


Everything Changes

by Georgia_K



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-02-05 16:37:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 269
Words: 2,950,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1825198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Georgia_K/pseuds/Georgia_K
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it turns out you don't really know someone at all</p><p>Life can take twists you never saw coming</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We All Break Down Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Just something that floated into my brain, I don't think it ends here...
> 
> None of this is true, obviously, I'm just playing with my dolls

 

It's Mark's final night as a real member of the team, there's a wrap-up debrief later in the week, but that's really just a chance to say goodbye to some of the guys at the factory, tonight is the last time he'll really be their driver; a Red Bull Formula One driver. It really is the final time. It feels so strange to think that. Unreal almost, for all that he knows that it's true.

It's a relief in many ways. This year hasn't been great. Seb's walked all over him, all over _everyone_ in fairness, but the number of people who'd come up to him since he'd announced his impending retirement and told him he was doing the right thing, that he'd picked the right moment, only reinforced Mark's understanding that his time in F1 was over, and to his surprise that wasn't such a bad feeling after all.

He'd never quite reached the heights he'd dreamt of. The possibility of winning a World Championship that had been so tantalisingly close in 2010 had never come to pass, and he'd come to terms with that, knew he'd achieved so much more than he'd ever thought possible all those years ago as a wide-eyed kid arriving in Europe to embark on a racing career.

So this is it. His last race and he'd come second; 'Story of my life' he almost laughed. Almost, but not quite. Still, it could be worse; the team had made a proper fuss of him before the race and he'd been touched at the number of them, not just from his side of the garage, who'd made a point of telling him how much they respected him and how they'd miss him.

Now he just had Christian's 'little' leaving party to get through in the function room of their hotel, one last night and then the flight back to England and the start of a new life, a new career with Porsche and a whole new set of challenges and chances to succeed in Endurance Racing. Yeah, he thought as he knocked back another beer, things weren't so bad.

 

The team certainly seemed to be enjoying themselves. Letting loose a little on the company dollar after a season that it sometimes seemed would never end. They had plenty to celebrate, with a fourth World Constructor's Championship as well as Seb's inevitable fourth World Driver's Championship, and Mark couldn't begrudge them relaxing and properly enjoying themselves for once when he knew, as few outside really did, how much work went into that success.

Mark checked his watch and wondered if 10.43pm was too early to escape to the welcome bed that was waiting for him upstairs. He'd said his goodbyes and thanks and promises to keep in touch (several times over to a few of the more inebriated mechanics). He'd had a good chat with Christian about their plans for Arden Racing and even a rather random conversation with Adrian about the many ideas his giant brain was fermenting for projects outside F1.

Looking around the room again from his position by the bar, Mark clocked Seb stood in the far corner by the wall, Heikki inevitably glued to his side. He looked miserable as sin. Mark wondered why the hell he was even there. No doubt Christian had insisted on it and he was toeing the team line, but he'd not even bothered to speak to Mark since the grudging 'Good luck' he'd uttered on arriving a few hours before.

 

He was just about to see if he could make a break for freedom, when Simon appeared at his elbow with a pair of beers.

”Can't say fairer than that mate,” he laughed, taking the proffered bottle, and fell into an easy conversation about everything and nothing.

 

Mark was surprised when he glanced at his watch to see another half hour had passed. He really was starting to feel tired now. He could see one of the PR staff slowly slipping off one of the seats at a table to his left and felt pretty confident that everyone was now too far gone to notice his absence, even if the night was supposedly in his honour. He mumbled something about needing to make a pitstop to Simon who laughed obligingly and made his way towards the doors leading away to the lobby of the hotel.

 

As he exited, Mark bypassed the main toilets just outside the room and headed on into the bathroom down the corridor to the left, reasoning that he could stop off and then go on upstairs without drawing much attention to himself.

 

As the door swung shut behind him and the hubbub of the party was cut off, Mark closed his eyes and allowed himself a little sigh of relief.

The room wasn't entirely silent though. It took Mark a moment to realise that there was someone else in there, and another to recognise the sound that he'd heard had been a sob.

He looked over at the far side of the room. There was a figure hunched on the floor, leaning against the tiled wall, heaving out racked sobs with his head tucked down against his knees.

Mark took a step forward, wondering if someone hadn't taken the night a little too far, when he stopped in his tracks, realising with cold shock that the figure in such distress was Sebastian.

In the same moment, Seb paused his crying to look up to see where the noise he'd heard had come from and catching Mark's horrified eyes, froze.

 

Mark's first instinct was to pretend he'd hadn't seen anything, to back out of the room as quickly as possible and get away, almost as much for Seb's sake as his own. 

Mark shook himself mentally. For fuck's sake. That was all he needed; Seb playing out some little drama, probably distraught at not being the centre of attention for once. He had absolutely no desire to play any part in whatever was going on here. None at all. He should leave now. Whatever had happened was probably the little shit's fault anyway, none of his business, none of his concern.

He was about to turn on his heel when Sebastian let out a little shuddery breath. He was still staring straight at Mark, and Mark in turn found himself incapable of breaking his gaze. Against his better judgement he found himself walking over to Seb, bobbing down on his haunches next to him and reaching over to touch his arm.

Sebastian flinched from the touch as if he'd been burned, looking away, ashamed to have been found in this state, by Mark of all people.

“Fuck, Seb, what the hell mate?” was all that Mark could say.

 

He'd seen Sebastian upset before, in the garage after a bad day, at the factory when stress levels in the team were getting out of hand, but never like this, never looking so completely destroyed.

“Seb?” he tried again, but Sebastian seemed incapable of forming words. His breathing still broken and shaky, head bowed, eye-contact lost now that Mark was so close, _too_ close.

Mark leaned over and placed a hand on Seb's knee. He didn't flinch this time.

“Hey, come on Seb. What's happened?”

Mark tipped his head to one side, trying to get into Sebastian's eye-line, he looked carefully at Seb; his face was blotchy, his eyes red, clearly he'd been here in this state for a while.

“Seb?” he said again, more quietly this time, trying to coax something out of him. He couldn't just walk away now, even if he might regret the choice to stay.

Sebastian raised his head, his chest still working far too hard. He tried to say something, but it just came out as a gasp for air.

“Okay, okay mate, just take a breath. Calm down, alright?”

Mark was holding his attention now, Seb's eyes locked on his.

“Take a slow breath, just some slow breaths, okay?”

Mark found himself obeying his own instructions, taking slow calm breaths that Seb instinctively copied, until his chest stilled and he took one last shuddery gulp and seemed calmed.

 

Mark shook his head disbelievingly and sat himself down, his back against the side of the row of walled-in sinks to the left of Sebastian.

“Bloody hell mate, what's all this about, eh?” he tried in a lighter tone.

Part of Mark wondered why he was taking such an interest, expected Seb to tell him to get lost and that it was none of his business, but still he sat there looking expectantly at Sebastian who had closed his eyes once more and was resting his head back against the tiles.

 

Silence ate up the room.

 

 

Finally Seb opened his eyes and lifted his head away from the nice cool wall his neck had been leaning against. He looked over, almost expecting Mark to have disappeared in the time it had taken him to recover himself, but he was still there; sat on the floor diagonally across from him, still looking over at him with a concerned expression on his face. 

The absurdity of it all almost made Seb laugh. Here he was falling apart and the one person that was there was Mark. Mark who loathed him, resented his success, who found every aspect of his personality so damn annoying that he'd barely acknowledged him on the podium earlier. Mark who was nudging his foot with his own and asking if he was okay for the thirtieth time in a row.

He wasn't okay. Not okay at all. Nothing was okay, and he hadn't got the first idea what to do to fix it. Talking to Mark was hardly going to help. He should just get his shit together and get out of here as fast as possible. Mark wouldn't care anyway, he was just trapped into being polite by the situation he'd walked in on. Why was he still here? Why was he still looking at him as if he gave a damn?

Seb looked over at Mark. Some part of his brain that was still operating, considered the fact that Mark was leaving the team, that he wasn't going to be around after today, and thought 'fuck it, fuck it all, just tell him, maybe just saying some of this shit out loud might make it a bit better? It could hardly make it any worse. As if it _could_ be any worse...'

Sebastian swallowed hard for a moment, considering Mark one last time before taking the plunge.

“It's so fucked up, I don't even know where to start.”

Mark continued to look at him, waiting for Seb to carry on, but Seb didn't know how to.

“It's just fucked up, everything, everything's fucked up, the whole damn situation. It's fucked up and... Scheiße, scheiße, _scheiße_!”

He buried his head in his knees, unable to stop the tears flowing again, feeling Mark's stare burning into him. He must look such a mess, so pathetic. No wonder Mark had no respect for him.

He felt Mark's hand rest on his shoulder and managed to raise his head to see Mark's face leaning in towards him. He'd shifted across towards him to reach out and was surprisingly close now. It should be uncomfortably close, given their relationship, but somehow Seb was grateful for the contact, pathetically grateful for the show of concern, whether it was genuine or not.

“What's fucked up?” asked Mark.

This was getting frustrating. If Seb wasn't going to say what the hell the problem was, how on earth was he supposed to help?

He felt a tremor in Seb's shoulder and sighed.

“Mate if you wont say what's going on, I don't know...” he trailed off.

Seb took another deep wobbly breath and looked as if he was about to speak, before falling into silence again. He looked hard at Seb for a moment, considering getting up and just walking away, but it was it was too late for that.

“Seb, my psychic powers aren't what they might be you know. You're gonna have to either say what it is, or tell me to fuck off for interfering, cos I don't know what this is all about, but it's obviously something pretty bad...”

He looked at Seb, hoping he might continue where he left off, but Seb still seemed trapped within himself.

“Is it Heikki?” Mark ventured.

He wasn't exactly sure what the score was with those two, but it was obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes and bit of imagination that they weren't just trainer and driver.

Seb's eyes widened in shock and darted involuntarily towards the door as if someone might walk in at any moment, which Mark acknowledged, they might.

“So, Heikki then,” assumed Mark.

At least he had a handle on this now, it made some kind of sense why Seb had worked himself up into such a lather.

“Lover's tiff?” he joked, trying a smile on Sebastian.

If he thought it might lighten the mood he was wrong. Seb looked so pained Mark realised that it had to be much more than that.

“Does everyone know?” managed Seb quietly.

“About you two? Well, you aren't too subtle about it mate. That great hulking Scandinavian god you never let out of your sight?”

Seb scrunched up his face. “It isn't what you think it is. Heikki and me. It isn’t...”

Sebastian didn't know how to explain. If Mark thought it was him who was keeping Heikki by him, Seb never letting Heikki out of his sight? As if _he_ was the one in control of all this?

“So you two, you're not...?”

Mark raised his eyebrows suggestively.

Sebastian sighed. No one would understand. How had he got himself in this situation? So trapped, so pathetically incapable of extricating himself from this mess. Someone as strong and capable as Mark would never understand how a grown man like Sebastian could allow himself to be so badly used, so horribly broken inside that he allowed Heikki to treat him this way, to control and dominate him so completely that Sebastian didn't even know how to function independently any more. To hurt him so badly and know that he would come back for more every time. It was fucked up. He was fucked up. No one would ever understand.

Mark hadn't got the reaction he thought he would at that. He'd thought that if Seb realised he knew about them, he might be able to open up and explain what had happened between them that had upset him so badly. He couldn't read the expression in Seb's face. He looked torn, as if on the point of spilling everything, but afraid what Mark's reaction would be.

“It's okay you know?” Mark tried to sound soothing. “Nobody who knows, cares. You're grown ups, you can do what you want.”

“What if I'm not doing what I want?” asked Sebastian.

Mark only looked more confused at that. Seb was staring at the floor, his body slack, his expression defeated. Mark shook his head, he barely recognised the man in front of him as the triumphant race winner he'd shared a podium with only hours before.

Seb looked up at him, inwardly begging Mark to push him into explaining. To force him to admit out-loud the terrible secrets he carried around, hidden just beneath the surface of the person he presented to the world each day.

“What is that supposed to mean?” asked Mark, genuinely at a loss.

Sebastian knew at that point he had a choice, and he had to make it for himself:

He either fobbed Mark off with some lie about a row getting out of hand, or he told him the truth.

He had to jump off a cliff and trust someone, or he might have to go find and an actual cliff to jump off.

He took one last look at Mark's open, honest face and decided to trust him, though god only knew why.

 

“Heikki” Seb stammered “he, he...”

Sebastian balled his hands into fists and held them either side of his knees as if he was about to fight someone. He closed his eyes, maybe if he didn't have to look at Mark, it might make this a tiny bit easier.

“He's not the person you think he is.”

Seb took a deep breath.

“He's not the person _I_ thought he was. I didn't know him at all. I had no idea what he was capable of. What one person could do to another.”

Mark sat up straight. Whatever Seb meant by that he sensed there was something dark and wrong at the heart of this.

He was about to say something, before realising that if he interrupted Sebastian he might never finish saying what he was try to get out right now. So he waited.

 

Then Sebastian blurted out in a rush.

“He hurts me. So many times I hardly even notice any more. Sometimes I don't care what he does. Like it doesn't matter. As if I can just pretend it's not happening and that'll make it...I don't know...it doesn't make sense. As if I can shut it out and pretend I'm not really there and then he can't really hurt me, not really. Not the real me...” his voice faded.

 

After a moment he tentatively opened his eyes. Mark was still there, sat by his side now, turned in towards him. He looked blankly at Sebastian, trying to take in the meaning of the words he'd just heard tumbling from Seb's mouth.

“He hurts you?” he asked incredulously. “What the fuck? Sebastian? What do you mean he _**hurts**_ you?”

Mark blinked a couple of times trying to focus. He had no idea how to ask the right questions. What the right questions were. This was so fucked up he could hardly believe it was actually happening, but there was Seb sat right by him. Seb; his nemesis and general day-to-day nightmare, pouring out the worst kind of personal secrets to him.

Sebastian looked as if he might break at that point. He'd told Mark. Admitted something so awful he'd never said it aloud before, even to himself, and Mark didn't believe him?

“You think I'm lying?” he said bitterly.

“What?” stumbled Mark, still utterly thrown. “No. Shit, no I don't mean that. _Seb_. Hey, Seb, come on, bloody hell.”

He reached his hand back out to the shoulder it had rested on before. But Seb didn't move.

“Of course I believe you. As if anyone would make that up. _Christ!_ ”

“You must think I'm so pathetic. So weak to just let him do that to me, to do what he wants?”

“No.”

“I _am_ pathetic. I _am_ weak. I'm nothing. Everyone goes on like I'm something special: 'The World Champion'” Seb spat. “They don't know that's all for show, it's all just front Mark, all of it. They don't know how easy it is to smile and say what everyone needs you to say when you feel like you're dying inside.”

“We all put on fronts mate. Just to survive in this business you know?”

Sebastian swallowed hard, just about managing to keep looking at Mark. He had to see this through. To make Mark understand, so at least one person in the world understood and Sebastian wouldn't feel so horribly lost and alone.

“But not like this?”

Mark sighed, “no, not like that, not...” he shook his head, “not like that. Nothing that bad.”

He paused, wondering if he should ask, then dived in.

“Is it bad? I mean. It's not just rough stuff going a bit too far?”

Sebastian gave a small shake of his head.

“It's not accidental. He knows. I mean he knows what he's doing. How far he can go and when. So no one will guess. Unless they really looked.”

He closed his eyes sadly.

“No one ever really looks. And if they look, they don't see. People only see what they want to see.”

He took another deep breath before deciding something, undoing the cuff of his shirt and pushing it all the way up.

In the stark light of the bathroom the bruise on his upper left arm stood out against the paleness of his skin; green and purple, yellowing around the edges, a few days old now, but still fresh, still painful.

He looked up at Mark, as if challenging him to still not believe him.

Mark stared at Seb's arm in stunned silence. The bruise was as big as a fist.

 _“Shit_ ,” was all he could force out of his mouth.

 

He tried to think back. Had he seen Sebastian with bruises before? He probably had. They all got bruised in this game; the set-up of the car not being quite right and throwing them around circuits at brutal g-forces. Training accidents happened all the time, sports-therapy massages that were a bit _too_ firm...

He tried to think harder, but he wasn't sure he could place it. He _had_ seen bruises before. A while ago Sebastian had a bruise on his arm that didn't seem to heal. Mark hadn't even asked how he'd done it. He recalled Seb had hurt his wrist some time in the summer break and nearly given Christian heart-failure when he said he wasn't sure if it would be okay for Spa. Were they accidents? Or had Heikki been responsible?

“Last summer, you didn't come off your bike in training?”

“No.”

“That time you said you'd got hit by a squash ball?”

Seb just gave a small shrug.

Mark was in shock.

“I, I can't even remember. Shit, Seb I'm sorry, I don't know if I even noticed other times. There were other times? When we should have noticed, should have seen..?”

Seb gave a small nod, tears rolling down his face. Mark felt like someone had removed the ground he sat on. How could this happen, right under their noses?

“But Doc Phillips? How has he not realised?”

“People see what they expect to see. He never saw anything too bad.”

“Heikki...” Seb paused again, his voice so quiet now Mark had to strain to hear “...like I said, he's very careful.”

The coldness implied in that phrase curled in Mark's gut. 'Careful' ought to mean caring, but it didn't, here it meant calculated, precise, _deliberate_.

He could see that possibility in Heikki's personality, but could never have imagined it would be turned in this way into something so brutal. He'd never seen any indication of violence in Heikki, no sign of temper. Mark had assumed that he was a typically restrained Finn, never had any notion how that level of restraint might overflow somehow, unseen.

 

Seb was still silently crying, he couldn't seem to make it stop. It was almost in relief at finally telling someone.

Mark gently pulled Sebastian's shirt-sleeve back down and put his arm around his shoulder, it was the only thing he could think do. Words seemed so inadequate.

He was still somehow unprepared when Seb's head crashed down against his chest, but he just squeezed him tighter.

 

 

For a long while they just sat there. Seb crying as Mark held onto him.

Mark had no idea what he was meant to do or say, so he did nothing, he just held onto Sebastian. He looked over at the door wondering what had possessed him to walk through it, how he'd got involved in this mess.

Anyone could walk in at any moment. Mark wondered what the hell they would think if they saw the pair of them like this. He decided that if they were interrupted he'd just say that Seb had drunk too much and made himself ill. Get him out of there before anyone could ask too many questions. Hopefully they'd be too drunk themselves to think too much of it.

But by some miracle no one did walk in. Mark guessed they were all in no state to venture further than the bathroom directly outside the party room.

 

Eventually Sebastian raised his head from Mark's chest. He had didn't know how much time had passed, it could have been a few minutes or an hour for all he knew. He had no energy left to say any more to Mark. There was nothing left to say.

Mark moved away slightly, trying to ignore how intimately close they had been just moments before.

“Seb?”

Sebastian was pushing himself into a standing position. It seemed to take quite a bit of effort and Mark had to restrain himself from reaching over to help him. Seb looked a little unsteady on his feet and was leaning against one of the sinks. He avoided looking at himself in the mirrors, knowing he must look a state.

He looked back over at Mark.

“I have to go.”

Mark was standing himself by now, he took a step over towards Sebastian.

“Where is he right now?”

He didn't need to say who he meant, they both knew.

Seb shrugged.

“Upstairs, I guess. I told him Christian wanted to talk to me for a bit.”

“Do you mean in your room? Or his?”

Sebastian just shrugged again. As if it mattered. As if it made any difference.

“Seb, you're not just going up there. You can't just tell me all this shit and then walk away.”

Mark sounded stunned. He shook his head.

“No way, Seb. For gods sake! You've just told me all this, this...” He didn't know what to call it. He threw up his hands, “you can't expect me just to forget about it and let you go back to him, to... I don't even know what.”

Seb just stared at his feet. He didn't seem to be hearing what Mark was saying. 

Mark took another step closer until he was right by him.

“Seb, you know this is wrong, or you wouldn't have been so upset. You wouldn't have told me if you didn't want me to help. Let me help.”

“There's nothing you can do.” Seb sounded resigned. “It's okay. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't mean to put this on you.”

He turned and stepped towards the door.

“Seb. No!”

Mark grabbed at his arm, inadvertently wrapping his fingers around where the bruise was.

Seb hissed and withdrew from Mark, who froze realising what he'd just done.

“Fuck! Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Seb? Did I hurt you? Damnit. I'm sorry. Please just stop and listen a minute, _please_?”

Sebastian reluctantly turned back around and looked at Mark. He tried not to show just how torn he was in that moment. Part of him wanted to throw himself at Mark's mercy. Let him do whatever he thought right. Let him try to help. But what could he do?

For one brief minute he allowed himself to imagine Mark storming upstairs and tearing hell into Heikki, throwing him out of his room and finally scaring him away from Seb.

It was a ridiculous idea. As if Mark was his knight in shining armour. A stupid idea that a child would have. Seb was just a stupid kid. The same stupid kid he knew Mark had always thought him to be. There was nothing Mark could do.

“Look, Seb, talk to Christian. He can't have any idea what's going on can he? There's no way he'd allow this to go on.”

“I can't!” Sebastian sounded distraught. “If he knew, if the team _**knew**!_   It'd destroy my career. You know it would. They'd never look at me the same again.”

Mark sighed. “Not the whole team. Just Christian. He could help, surely? Don't you want help?”

He looked at Sebastian. Was he going to have to take control here and force Sebastian to get the help he needed? Was he going to have to do it for him?

“Do you want me to talk to him?”

Seb panicked at that suggestion.

“What?! No, you can't. Please Mark. Don't tell. You wont. Please!”

He looked plaintively at Mark.

 _“Please_. Promise me you won't say anything?”

Mark tried to ignore how young Seb looked, tried to ignore the pleading in those big blue eyes.

“Seb, I have to do something. I can't know this and not do something about it.”

Seb regarded him accusingly, “I thought I could trust you.”

Mark was trapped. He couldn't force Seb to say anything, couldn't say anything himself without betraying him. He wished he'd never walked into this damn bathroom. He tried to think of something else to say to persuade Sebastian, to come up with a way out for him, but he was drawing a blank.

“You _can_ trust me, okay.”

“Can I?”

“Yes.” Mark replied flatly.

If he could do nothing else, at least he could do that. At least he could let Seb know that there was someone he could trust. That he wouldn't betray the terrible truth he had drawn out of Seb when his guard was down.

Sebastian held his eyes a little longer, desperately trying to read Mark, to see if he meant what he said. He knew he really had no choice but to trust him. He'd been so stupid pouring out his heart out to someone he thought despised him, and now only pitied him, but there was nothing he could do to undo that now.

Another long moment passed as neither could think what to do or say. Seb felt dreadfully exposed when Mark looked at him, the silence dragging out between them now only made things worse, so he did the only thing he could do. He walked away.

 

Mark stood in the doorway of the bathroom and watched Seb walk to the lifts at the end of the corridor. Watched him enter the lift and the doors close behind him.

Sebastian didn't turn around, couldn't bare to look at Mark, though he felt his eyes on him. He hadn't said goodbye, or thank you or anything as he'd left the bathroom.

Mark stood there for a little while longer before following his path to the lifts and pressing the button to call one down on the other side.

As he stepped into the lift he tried to shut out thoughts of what Sebastian was going back to right now. What would happen to him tomorrow and the day after that. Whether he'd find the courage to speak to someone who might actually be able to do something to help him, instead of Mark who had just passively allowed him to leave without doing anything constructive at all. He tried to shut those thoughts out. Tried to persuade himself that it wasn't his responsibility, that Sebastian was a grown man who made his own choices and would only get help if he helped himself. Tried to forget all about it.

 

The lift pinged open on his floor.

Mark let himself into his room and lay down on the bed fully clothed. Sebastian's room was just down the corridor. He hadn't heard anything as he'd passed his room but that might not mean anything.

For a second Mark considered going back and knocking on his door, but Heikki was probably there. He didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think about anything now. He just wanted to block it all out and go to sleep. But he wasn't tired now, his brain was too wired and he felt nauseous.

He looked over at the alarm clock; the time read 12.37.

Mark wished to god he'd left the party and come straight here at 10.43.

 


	2. The Hollow Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you thought it could possibly end there you were wrong

Mark sat slumped low on a seat at the airport the next morning feeling like shit. He'd hardly slept at all that night. He hid behind his sunglasses hoping no one would bother him. Following the party the night before, he was hardly the only one doing this, so it didn't draw much attention from other members of the team, Christian had given him an indulgent smile and Mark had managed to force a smile back in reciprocation. The thought of taking him to one side and telling him what he'd learnt about Sebastian the night before was pressing at his conscience, but even if he could tell him, this was hardly the time or the place.

He looked around, searching for Sebastian and eventually spotted him on the other side of the lounge, sat surrounded by bags whilst Heikki stood in front of him, partially blocking him from view. He had sunglasses on just as Mark did and Mark couldn't help wondering if the eyes hidden beneath were still red.

He let out a long puff of air, considering what his options were. With Heikki standing guard there wasn't much chance of catching Seb's eye and seeing if there was anywhere private they could talk some more. So he couldn't speak to Seb and he couldn't say anything to Christian; basically there was nothing he could do at all. Mark wondered if Sebastian was likely to be at the final debrief in Milton Keynes on Thursday, if he was that was probably his last chance.

Before too long they were being herded onto their flight. Sebastian and Heikki weren't amongst them and belatedly Mark realised that they must be catching a direct flight to Switzerland instead of coming via Heathrow. Mark settled down into his seat, finally removing the sunglasses and counting down the moments until he could plug in the earphones and close himself off once more.

Once the safety briefing was over and they'd taken off, Mark selected the least offensive of the films on offer and tried to relax. He was bone-tired now. The stress of his final race on top of the usual exertions of a race weekend had been compounded by a restless night and Mark wanted to be home as soon as humanly possible. He tried sleeping, but that seemed to be as far away as it had been last night. He tried shutting down his brain, but it wasn't co-operating. He tried as hard as he could to forget what had happened the night before. If he couldn't do anything about it, there was no point in thinking about it.

He spent the next 11 hours determinedly _not_ thinking about it.

By the time they disembarked in London and he was retrieving his luggage he felt like a zombie.

 

__________________________

 

Mark wasn't sure if he was really glad or not that Sebastian _was_ at the debrief at the factory. He thought he'd managed to do a pretty decent job of shutting down his concerns about him and the dilemma he'd been left wrestling with over the past few days, but that wasn't entirely true, he'd just buried those thoughts the best he could and now here he was unavoidably confronted with it again.

Seb had placed himself as far away as possible from Mark at the far end of the conference table and hadn't made eye contact with him the entire morning.

Mark looked down at him, inwardly cursing Sebastian for the quandary he'd placed him in. Seb had always had the unhappy knack of winding him up without even trying, of distracting him and disturbing his equilibrium, and now here he was doing it again, only in a way Mark could never have anticipated. Mark would never want to admit it to anyone, but the truth was he'd been worrying about Sebastian ever since Brazil.

Christian was just about wrapping up and offering a final thanks to Mark, the occupants of the room were echoing his wishes of good luck. All Mark really had left now was to do the rounds of the factory saying his goodbyes and he was done.

Whilst pretending to pay attention to the debrief (which in truth, hardly mattered in his case), Mark had gone over things one more time.

He couldn't betray Sebastian by speaking to Christian or anyone else against his express wishes, even if it was for his own good. He couldn't go and see if Heikki was around to confront him about what he was doing; he'd be met by flat denial no doubt and the idea that Mark could have any impact on such a character was frankly laughable. If he was capable of treating Seb in this way, he was obviously a thoroughly nasty piece of work, dangerous even, and although Mark wasn't easily intimidated, he was well aware that he posed no threat to Heikki.

So the only remaining option was to try to get a moment to talk to Seb one last time.

 

Sebastian had evaporated the minute the debrief had broken up and Mark had no idea whether he might have actually left already, but he used his trip around the building saying his farewells to see if he couldn't track him down.

 

He'd just about lost all hope when he rounded a corner leading away from the engineers' room and spotted Seb exiting Adrian's office.

Seb saw him and turned rapidly towards the stairs, but Mark quickened his step and caught up with him before he had chance to get away.

“Hey, Seb, wait up a minute.”

Seb ignored him, continuing along the corridor, trying to pick up pace.

“Seb, stop!” Mark was surprised at how desperate his voice sounded.

Sebastian's shoulders slumped and he slowed so quickly that Mark almost walked into the back of him. He finally turned and gave Mark a resigned look.

“What do you _want_ Mark?” asked Sebastian in an accusatory tone.

“Just give me five minutes, okay?” replied Mark, trying to sound conciliatory.

 

There were several unmarked doors along this part of the corridor that Mark knew were meeting rooms. He listened at one for a moment before chancing the handle and seeing the room empty, walked in, Sebastian following.

 

Mark sat on the edge of the table while Sebastian leant back against the door as if barring anyone from entering.

Seb fixed his eyes on the floor. “Are you going to tell?”

Mark shook his head, Seb sounded for all the world like some kid worried another was going to tell the teacher about the school bully picking on him.

“No. I'm not going to tell anyone Seb. I gave you my word. I said you can trust me and I meant it.”

“Thank you,” said Sebastian, letting out a small sigh of relief. He cautiously looked up at Mark through his eyelashes.

Mark almost rolled his eyes; Seb always looked like a kid to him for all his attempts at growing stubble; baby-faced and innocent looking. Those ridiculous wide blue eyes that seemed to charm everyone he met, ensuring he always got his own way, infuriating Mark. Always getting his way it seemed, except where it mattered most.

 

“Seb, please sit down for a moment, alright? No one's going to disturb us in here.”

Sebastian relented and took a seat as Mark shifted off the table and turned the next chair round to face him. He considered reaching out to Seb, but thought better of it, placing his hands on the arm-rests of his chair.

“How's the arm?” he asked awkwardly.

Seb frowned, seeming to not know what Mark meant, before remembering.

“Fine, it's nothing really,” he mumbled.

“It's not _nothing_ Seb.” Mark replied firmly.

If Seb could dismiss something like that so easily, he didn't want to think what constituted something serious. Mark had a horrible feeling he'd barely scraped the surface of all the terrible things had been going on. If the bruises Seb had allowed them to see were 'nothing', Mark didn't want to think about what injuries he might have hidden from view, what Heikki might have done when there were no prying eyes around to see.

“Seb you can't let this continue.”

 

Sebastian considered telling Mark it was none of his business, but he knew he'd made it Mark's business by breaking down in front of him and confessing the truth in that hotel bathroom. He couldn't take back what he'd said, it was his own fault for being so weak in the first place.

 

“Why do you care?” he implored.

He hated the fact he'd shown Mark just how vulnerable he was, but now that he had, he couldn't hide behind the walls he usually put up in this building.

“ _Why?_ Jesus Seb, because I'm a fucking half-decent human being, that's why.”

What kind of view of the world must Sebastian have to think this way, wondered Mark; so distrustful, so damn scared. _Heikki_ he thought, angrily. Or was there something or someone before him who had made Seb this way?

He huffed out a breath. “Look Seb, I don't pretend I understand what you're going through, or how hard this is...”

“No you don't” said Sebastian trying to sound stronger than he felt.

“No. Okay fair enough, I don't know that. But I do know this much; if you don't do something about this it's going to destroy you.”

 

Mark felt cruel confronting Sebastian in this way, but he was certain that it was true. Something like this was only likely to get worse and worse the longer it was allowed to endure. Seb was managing to hold it together in public right now, but how much longer could he continue to lead a double life? How much longer before Heikki did something really serious, gaining in confidence as he broke down Sebastian's body and mind?

Mark felt sick even contemplating it.

 

Seb looked as if he might crack again, his face taut, all the muscles in his body tensing into fight or flight mode.

“Isn't there anyone you could talk to?” tried Mark.

Seb gave a small shake of his head.

“Your family?”

Seb almost laughed at that notion. His family, who were so proud of him, who had no idea about his private life since he told them so little. He'd kept them at arm's length ever since entering Formula One, only seeing them a few times each year. He'd never even told them he was gay, they probably still thought he was seeing Hanna as so many others seemed to (and he never corrected them).

 

“Look Seb, I know I keep coming back to this, but is there no way you could talk to Christian? You know he's a decent bloke. He'd find a way to handle it. I'm sure he wouldn't tell anyone.”

Sebastian looked down at the table, unable to fully take Mark's stare.

“I just can't do it.” he said, sounding as if each word cost him. He put his head in his hands and rubbed his face up and down trying to buy time.

He lifted his head, “I don't think I could carry on if people knew. I need to be the person they think I am. If they stop believing in that, I wont be able to do it any more, and then there'll just be nothing left of me.”

 

That sounded like a horribly final statement to Mark, but he thought he understood what Seb meant; the façade had become more important then the person underneath.

Mark used to joke that Seb's BMI was so ridiculously low that he was the hollow man. It didn't seem funny right now.

 

“What if there was another way?”

Seb looked at him, the crease between his brows furrowing deeper.

“What if there was a way just to get rid of him?” Mark suggested.

 

Seb couldn't think what Mark was getting at and his reflex to make a joke when uncomfortable kicked in; “You mean knock him off?”

Mark looked startled for a second before letting out a dry laugh. “ _Tempting_ , in the circumstances and doubtless well-deserved, but no Seb, that's not what I meant.

I meant, what if there was a way to get rid of him as your trainer?”

 

Sebastian had thought about this before, but he'd never managed to think of a way of approaching anyone within the team to see if it was possible.

 

“I'd have to _tell them_ though” he exasperated. He felt like he was just going in circles with Mark. He did appreciate that awkward as this all was, Mark really was genuinely trying to help, even if he didn't fully understand why he was bothering. But all this was doing was raking over things and reminding Sebastian just how trapped he was.

 

He felt suddenly sad that Mark was leaving the team. He knew he was a good guy, even if any attempts at friendship between team-mates back in the early days had been rebuffed and their relationship had turned sour when Sebastian's career soared as Mark's faltered. Seb had worried Mark saw through the mask he wore and insecurity had lead him to push Mark away, to treat him badly as he attempted to bolster his own position within the team.

He knew he'd been unfair to Mark and behaved abominably at times, knew Mark had resented him and hadn't hidden his anger towards Sebastian. But now he saw for the first time what he'd lost out on for all those years. The man sat opposite him who had no reason at all to care about him, every reason in fact to wish ill upon him, to revel in his misfortune, and he was doing just the opposite, giving a damn when he had no cause to. Mark could have walked out of the factory after their meeting this morning and never looked back, but instead here he was, holed up in some abandoned room, trying to save him.

 

“Maybe not” suggested Mark. “I've swapped trainers before now, so have you.”

“Yes, but it was their choice to leave. I didn't just get rid of Tommi. I don't even know how I'd go about it.”

“Well at the risk of sounding like a broken record, couldn't you ask Christian?”

“And when he asks why?”

Mark opened out his hands, it always seemed to come back to this; Sebastian was just too afraid of being discovered to take any move that might free him.

“I don't know, couldn't you just say it wasn't working out? That things weren't quite right between you and you wanted a change?”

Seb thought about that for a moment. It was so tempting to think things could possibly be so simple; that he could go to Christian and he wouldn't probe any further, he'd just make it all better in one stroke.

 

Sebastian let out a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding in. If Mark thought he could do this, then perhaps he could be brave enough to take the risk.

“Maybe...I don't know, maybe. Do you think they'd just accept that? What if Heikki refused to go?”

The notion of sacking Heikki and never having to see him again seemed impossibly appealing to Seb, but he struggled to believe it could be that easy.

“If the team got rid of him he wouldn't have any choice would he?”

Sebastian laced his fingers together and stared at them.

“Isn't the alternative worse?” tried Mark, knowing he needed to push him.

 

Seb gave a half shrug, still staring at his hands. He wished he had Mark's bravery, his confidence. Wished he had his easy way of dealing with life, just being honest and straight with people. He knew it had got him into a bit of trouble with the team over the years but Mark was never anything but himself and people loved him for it; the press, the fans.

The same fans who booed him, who cheered his retirements and seemed to hate him when all Seb had striven to do was his job; to win. Somehow they must sense the truth about Seb; what a worthless sham he was, unworthy of their respect and affection.

It was getting harder and harder not to let it show how much that hurt.

 

Mark finally reached over and placed a hand on Seb's arm. “Mate, you've got to do _something._ I know you know this, and I know it's hard, but you've got to take a chance and change things, or it will just go on like this, worse than this. You have to do this.”

 

Mark's hand felt so strong, Seb tried not to think about what a comfort it was to feel it resting there just holding onto him. If he had Mark with him he thought he could do anything. A crazy part of him wanted to ask Mark to go with him to Christian, that he could find the strength to do it if Mark was there.

 

Seb took a deep breath and nodded.

“You'll do it? You'll talk to Christian?” Mark felt a sudden relief that he'd made a breakthrough.

Seb nodded again.

Mark had the strangest urge to hug Sebastian, but instead he removed his hand from his arm and stood up.

Seb felt like a plaster had been ripped off. Could he really do this? He lifted himself up from the chair suddenly feeling lighter, taller. Mark made him feel a courage he wasn't sure he was truly capable of.

Mark put his hand back on Seb's arm again and looked deep into his eyes trying to read him. “You're really going to do this?”

Sebastian nodded for the third time, struggling to form words. He wanted to thank Mark, wanted to reach out to him, still rather desperately wanted to ask him if he wouldn't at least walk him over to Christian's office, but he didn't dare do any of those things. Instead he pulled his arm away from Mark, trying to show his resolve. He would do it. He'd do it now before he had a chance to change his mind, before he checked his phone to see if he had any texts or missed calls from Heikki that might dissolve the fragile self-belief Mark had instilled in him.

 

Seb swallowed hard and looked at Mark trying to absorb the last bit of strength from him before he walked out.

“Thanks.”

It seemed a pathetically small word to pay back.

 

Mark tried to think of something else to say to stiffen Seb's resolve, or assuage his nerves, but he'd used up everything he had and it was now his turn just to nod in reply. He almost said good luck, but somehow that seemed wrong. So instead he just followed Seb's lead out into the corridor.

 

They stopped for a moment at the top of the stairs. Before Mark headed down and out the door for one last time they paused. Mark gave him a tight smile that he hoped was encouraging and Seb walked away down to where Christian's office was.

 

Mark waved to the receptionist one last time as he exited and headed to his car, feeling a tangled mix of sadness at leaving the team and relief that he could hopefully stop worrying about Seb now. He tried to focus on the anticipation of his future and the opportunities that lay ahead rather than the past that the building behind him represented.

 

Seb stood outside Christian's office for a full minute trying both to think over everything Mark had said and simultaneously blank it all out, to persuade himself not to think but to just slip into automatic pilot and knock on the door.

He shouldn't have given himself that minute he later realised. It was enough time for the warmth of Mark's hand on his arm to fade, enough time for the courage he'd built up inside to ebb away, enough time for the doubts to creep back in, and he found himself turning, walking back along the corridor to the top of the stairs.

Sebastian stood there, looking through the double height windows out at the car-park, watching Mark drive away to his new life, before following his path out of the building, over to his car.

He knew he'd failed, that he'd let Mark down, knew he was as wretchedly pathetic and weak as Heikki always told him he was. Seb climbed into his car, rested his head down on the steering wheel and silently let the tears fall.

 

 


	3. Running In The Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this gets pretty dark. I thought it was dark before, but the previous chapters were skipping through sunlit meadows by comparison.  
> I'm sorry, but it's just where this story needs to go, it needs to get really bad before there's any chance things can get better.

It was dull grey day in early January. Mark really didn't have much to do right now other than train, so despite the cold weather he'd been out for a long run and it had felt good; not thinking about anything more than placing one foot after another, feeling the sting of cold air in his lungs and watching his breath steam in front of him. He'd worked up quite a sweat despite the temperature, so he'd grabbed a quick shower and now was pottering around the kitchen getting something to eat.

It was strange not to have to dive back into preparations for the new season straight after the holidays. By now he'd have been into the factory in Milton Keynes, maybe even had a go on the simulator or had a seat-fitting, but the schedule for Porsche wasn't as packed and he didn't have anything to do for another few weeks yet.

 

He was just thinking of making himself a coffee when he was startled by a knock at the door. The dogs jumped up, barking like crazy as usual and he hushed them, telling them it was probably only the postman, and made his way into the hall, taking care to shut the dogs in the kitchen just in case.

 

He swung open the front door and nearly did a double-take at the person he saw stood in front of him.

“Seb?!”

 

Sebastian was stood on Mark's doorstep dressed in his RedBull gear & sunglasses. He offered up a shy; “Hi Mark,” before staring intently at Mark's shoes.

 

He'd sat in the car for several minutes before plucking up the courage to get out and knock on the door, his hand shaking. What if Mark wasn't in? What if someone else was there? What if this wasn't even Mark's house and some stranger opened the door?

Mark's address, scribbled on a scrap of paper shoved into his pocket, had been wheedled out of one of the assistants at the factory. Seb had sold her some story about Mark accidentally taking some of his kit home at the end of last year that he just wanted to pop round to retrieve. She'd bought the lame excuse, or maybe didn't care too much why he wanted it. Either way she'd given him the details and Seb had been relieved and a little exhilarated at his boldness until he actually pulled onto the driveway and the thing he'd been thinking about all day was a reality.

 

Sebastian had spent the day in meetings, not really paying too much attention to what was being said, the idea he'd fixed on during the early-morning flight to England had been churning around his brain making it impossible to concentrate.

England meant the factory at Milton Keynes and the team. And the team meant Mark.

Except it didn't any more.

He needed to see Mark. He was the only person he could talk to, the only person he knew he could trust and Seb really needed someone he could trust right now.

He felt like he was teetering on the edge and there was only one person who might realise and care enough to reach out a hand to grab him.

 

He'd driven too fast to get here, fuelled by a kind of nervous energy. The notion of a police car pulling him over amused him even in his current state; the four times Formula One World Champion done for speeding on an English country lane, oh the irony.

Before he'd had time to change his mind or come up with excuses to back out, he'd found himself outside a large house deep in the Buckinghamshire countryside. He pulled slowly onto the driveway, as if tiptoeing in as quietly as possible.

 

Seb's heart was pounding so loudly by the time he approached the front door he was sure Mark must be able to hear it from inside the house. They'd had no contact since he'd last seen him at the factory over a month ago, since Mark had forced him to confront the truth of his situation and tried to help him find a way out, since Seb had let him down and bottled out, running back to the very person he should be running away from.

Was he running away now? That's what it felt like. Running away from Switzerland and Heikki, running away from the factory and the team. Running to Mark, who he used to think hated him, but turned out to be the one person who Sebastian believed he could rely on.

 

The front door opened so quickly Seb felt like all the oxygen had been ripped out of his lungs. He hadn't really considered what he was going to say once he got here and now he didn't think he was going to be capable of saying anything at all.

 

“Seb?!”

“Hi Mark.”

 

A long pause drifted between them.

 

“What the hell are you doing here?”

It wasn't quite the welcome Sebastian had been expecting and the urge to bolt was almost overwhelming. He took a pace backwards and nearly toppled off the back of the wide step. Mark came out of the house towards him & placed a steadying hand on Seb's arm. It occurred Sebastian that it was now an oddly familiar sensation, a good feeling as Mark literally reached out to him to help.

 

“Are you okay?”

Mark hoped that there was a chance Seb was really here to tell him how things had worked out since he'd last seen him, but something told Mark that was unlikely.

Seb looked up through his sunglasses wondering what he was supposed to say to that. No, obviously not or I wouldn't be here?

“Umm, I...”

 

Oh god, thought Mark. Here we go again. Sebastian obviously _wasn't_ okay or he wouldn't be here would he? Stood on his doorstep, shivering slightly in the cold, incongruously dressed in his long-sleeved RedBull t-shirt and sunglasses, looking like a man disguised as an F1 driver.

Seb still wasn't saying anything, and Mark couldn't read his eyes hidden behind those glasses.

It suddenly struck him; Why was Seb wearing those sunglasses? On a dull, cloudy day in England, in January? Sebastian wasn't like Kimi who seemed to have sunglasses permanently affixed to his face. It wasn't right.

Mark reached up slowly with his hand and lifted the sunglasses from Seb's face.

Sebastian stood still as a statue as Mark took them off and tried not to betray the emotion that was bubbling up inside.

 

Mark's hand fell down at his side as he looked at what had been hidden beneath those glasses. All around Seb's left eye was black and swollen, the eye itself bloodshot and sore looking.

“Oh _Seb!_ ” Mark gasped.

He felt a coldness wash through him. The disquiet that had lurked at the back of his mind for the past month had not been baseless. He'd wished rather than believed Sebastian could follow through on his promise to speak to Christian and resolve the situation he was in. He really had hoped his suggestion could have worked out. That's what he had told himself. He'd told himself over and over that Sebastian wasn't a child, that he could take care of himself, that he could deal with this himself, but that patently wasn't the case.

 

“What happened?”

Seb wanted to put the sunglasses back on, but that wasn't an option seeing as Mark was still holding on to them.

“I told the team I got hit by a squash ball.”

Mark set his jaw.

“You've used that excuse before.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian admitted quietly.

Seb was trying very hard not to cry now. Mark remembered. Mark actually gave a shit. No one at the factory had. They'd just laughed and made little jokes about needing more practice and being clumsy. It didn't seem to strike them as odd that an F1 driver should be clumsy. A sportsman at the top of his game in an occupation that required some of the best hand-eye coordination in the world being clumsy. Sebastian had smiled tightly back, made jokes at his own expense and they had all seemed to stop noticing it as they got stuck into the business of the day.

“What _actually_ happened?” asked Mark in a firm voice.

“Heikki,” forced Seb.

He took a sudden intake of breath and Mark could see Sebastian was on the point of crumbling.

He pulled him into the house and guided him into the lounge, sitting him down on one of the large sofas and settling himself down beside him.

 

Mark was about to ask him to explain what happened, when the self-control Sebastian had been clinging to abruptly collapsed and he started crying uncontrollably.

Mark ran his fingers through his hair. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

“Mark,” sobbed Sebastian brokenly.

It sounded like a question. Is it okay that I'm here? What do I do now? Will you help me?

Mark reached out and pulled Sebastian into his arms and let him cry. He held tightly onto him, letting his head rest against his chest and decided not to think about anything for the moment other than keeping Seb from falling apart right in front of him.

When Seb eventually subsided Mark continued to hang on to him. Sebastian didn't want to move. It was safe here. Safe in Mark's tight embrace, in his strong warm arms. He could feel his heart beating and he knew he was okay. He didn't want to have to move and face the reality of what was going on. If he sat up he was going to have to tell Mark exactly what had happened and he didn't want to, even though he knew deep down that was why he was here.

Mark held onto him until the snuffling breaths Seb had been letting out died down altogether and he became so still Mark worried he might not be breathing at all. He sat up and gently as possible, pushed Sebastian upright, looking over at him. His eyes were puffy and it made the black-eye look even worse. He was at least breathing, as Seb had let out a deep huff as he sat back.

“I'm gonna just get you some water, okay?”

 

Mark disappeared off to the kitchen, taking the opportunity to let the dogs out into the garden before they started trying to investigate who the strange presence in the house was.

He sat back down next to Seb handing him a bottle of water, trying to think what his next move was supposed to be.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Mostly Mark thought he didn't want to know, but he was already too deeply involved not to care what had happened; what had driven Sebastian to his door.

 

Seb concentrated on taking sips of water for a few moments. He was going to have to tell Mark everything. It was all or nothing now.

“I told him he was sacked.”

“What?” Mark's eyes popped open in surprise. “You _did_ speak to Christian then?”

Sebastian felt ashamed to admit it.

“No. I'm sorry.” He took another sip of water. “I'm sorry. I lied to you. I couldn't do it. I know I'm a coward. I know what you must think of me...”

“I don't think that. I don't think any of that, alright? But I don't understand. You told Heikki he was fired?”

“Yeah.”

Seb almost smiled at his own audacity. The mad bravery he'd felt in the moment he'd confronted Heikki and told him he had to go. The look of astonishment on Heikki's face before it turned dark and Sebastian realised just how insane his feeble attempt to rid himself of him had been.

“What happened?” asked Mark, knowing it was pretty obvious what had happened, but knowing too that it was important to let Seb tell him.

Seb bit his bottom lip, held it so tightly it turned white and he felt all the blood draining from his body as he remembered.

Seb closed his eyes.

“He _laughed._ He laughed in my face. Told me I couldn't do that. That I was stupid. That I was being silly.”

“I don't know how I did it, but I said it again. I told him he was sacked and I wanted him gone and that when I went to the factory today I'd tell them he was no longer my trainer and, and...” Seb ran out of air. He took a deep gulp.

 

God it had been awful; The moment that fragile courage he'd constructed slid away from him as he realised there was no way that the challenge he'd built himself up to could ever have succeeded. The moment he saw the look in Heikki's eyes that he knew only too well. The taunting followed by the second stage incurred when Seb had been so foolish as to push the issue, to try to stand up to Heikki. That kind of behaviour wasn't tolerated. There had only ever been one way this scenario was going to end.

When the first hit came Seb was already bracing himself, already hiding himself away deep inside to try to protect himself from the inevitable onslaught he should have known was coming all along. He'd been so stupid.

 

Seb didn't realise he'd been silent for quite a while. Mark was looking at him, waiting for him to continue, but he didn't think he could describe what Heikki did out loud.

It was too humiliating. How weak Sebastian was in comparison to Heikki. The ease with which Heikki dominated and bullied him. How Sebastian failed every time to stand up to him or protect himself, how deep down he knew he deserved it. How little he had done to stop Heikki raining blows on his body, knocking him off balance with the punch to his eye and then grabbing his arm in a vice-like grip while he hit him over and over in the stomach, causing him fall to the floor before the violence continued.

 

Seb felt sick. He might actually be sick. He took another drink of water to try to settle himself. There didn't seem to be enough oxygen in the room. It was too warm in here. He needed to get some air, it had been better when they'd been outside.

He stood up and instantly regretted it. The room was spinning and he thought he might vomit all over Mark's carpet.

Mark saw just in time that Seb was swaying dangerously and took him under the elbows, guiding him back down.

“Seb?”

Mark leant in. Sebastian was pale, he put his hand on his forehead and it felt clammy and too warm.

“Shit. Okay calm down. Just calm down. You're okay Seb. You're okay,” he soothed.

Sebastian's eyes weren't focussed, he was breathing too heavily. Mark sat him properly against the back of the sofa and watched him carefully for several minutes.

 

Seb rested his eyes for a moment before opening them and staring blankly at Mark.

“I'm going to open a window, alright? Bit stuffy in here mate,” said Mark trying to make Sebastian feel better.

The cool air that flowed into the room reached Seb and he breathed it in. He carried on just sitting there, not moving, concentrating on breathing for a while and letting the dots and sparking lights at the edges of his vision disappear.

He sat forward and winced at the sudden movement.

Mark frowned. “Still not feeling too good?”

He felt out of his depth. Seb was worse than before, worse than the first time he'd stumbled into this little nightmare back in Brazil. He hadn't thought it possible, but this was worse. Seb had become his responsibility.

If he had been told that idea 6 weeks ago he would never have believed it, but here was Sebastian Vettel coming to him, depending on Mark to be the one to rescue him and Mark had no choice but to do everything he could to help him.

 

Mark passed him the bottle of water again and Seb drank slowly.

“You don't have to talk about it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you,” apologised Mark. “I'm presuming he didn't take the news well?”

 

Sebastian would have laughed at the understatement if he'd had the strength to at that point. He gave a small shake of his head.

“No, well...” Mark puffed out a breath and tried to think what to say.

“I still don't know if I even _can_ sack him myself,” said Seb, surprising Mark by sounding relatively together.

“Not really the point, mate, is it?”

“Guess not.”

“Look, I should apologise. It was my idea to sack Heikki. I feel like this is my fault.”

“What? No Mark, don't. If any of this is anyone's fault it's not yours. I should have done what you said. I meant to. I wasn't really lying. I just...”

Seb sagged visibly.

“I couldn't do it. Like I said. I'm a coward. God knows how I managed to even say all that stuff to Heikki. I had to drink a shot of vodka before he came over, maybe I should have had some more...”

“Don't say that Seb. You're not a coward. Stop putting yourself down. That's not you talking. That's him isn't it?”

 

Seb wondered how he knew, how Heikki spoke to him when no one else was around, how he denigrated and belittled him, how he kneaded over all his weakest points highlighting them to Seb all the time, reminding him how insignificant he was, how weak and unworthy of love and kindness, how no one wanted to spend any time with him or liked him. How Sebastian should be grateful for Heikki wasting his time on him. How the rest of the world despised and hated him for the one thing he was any good at; which was this silly business of driving round in circles not going anywhere fast. 

He'd laughed at Seb's little attempts to ingratiate himself with the team by helping out in the garage and told him how they mocked him for not behaving like a proper driver behind his back. Told him the other drivers couldn't stand him and the way Mark and Fernando blanked him in the pre-podium rooms had shown him how true that was. He had thought Kimi was his friend, but that had all been destroyed. He couldn't bare thinking about Kimi any more, it was too painful.

 

He looked over at Mark. How could he be the same person who had ignored him on the podium in Brazil, and in Monza and Malaysia and oh so many other countless times, who had looked at him with hatred in his eyes and who he'd been afraid would punch him when Christian had forced them to sit alone together in a room 'working things out' just a few months ago.

He'd always been slightly intimidated by Mark. Of his experience and intelligence, of his biting wit and easy confidence. He seemed to understand the world so much better than Seb. Sometimes he thought he didn't really comprehend the adult world at all.

Seb's whole life had been channelled through racing; Winning and pleasing his parents. Getting onto a drivers' programme and keeping the instructors happy, keeping the team happy. Doing what he was told and focussing on training his body and mind to one purpose: to win, to win at all costs and to keep on winning to take the next step up the ladder, moving on to a bigger and more important team that he had to fit in with and impress all over again.

He'd been all around the world but he hadn't seen much of it. He'd been shuttled from airport to hotel, to race track and back again. As his career progressed the hotels and the cars and seats on the planes got nicer, but he never really saw any more of the world. He just lived within his little racing bubble. It frightened him to think how little he knew beyond the world he lived in, whether he'd survive outside of it.

 

Seb was fiddling with the seam of his t-shirt, avoiding looking at Mark again. He shifted in his seat and realised he shouldn't have moved when he felt the dull ache in his side flare up. He briefly forgot that Mark was sat there appraising him and allowed the pain to flicker across his face.

“What is it?” asked Mark.

He suddenly felt like an idiot. From everything that Sebastian had told him he should have known better than to assume that what he saw on the surface was all there was to see.

“Seb?” Mark was unsure whether he ready to be pushed a little further to reveal the full extent of what had gone on. “Can you...I mean, is there more? Did he do more than this?  _Worse_ than this?” he gestured to Seb's damaged eye.

Sebastian continued worrying away at the edge of his shirt.

“You don't have to go into detail, you don't have to say anything you don't want to okay?”

Mark had no idea if he was doing the right thing or not. If Seb had come here, had he wanted to reveal the full extent of what had happened? Or was he just looking for a bit of comfort as a stop-gap?

 

Sebastian wanted to tell Mark everything so he might understand that he wasn't just being a baby, fussing about a black-eye, but he couldn't find the words to tell Mark what Heikki had done to him.

If he couldn't tell him, he could show him. That ought to be worse, but somehow it was easier, it required less thinking and Sebastian didn't think he could be more exposed to Mark than he was already. He forced himself up off the sofa and finding himself steady enough, turned slightly and pulled the shirt up and over his head in one fluid movement.

Mark had been unprepared for that. For a second he wondered what on earth Sebastian was doing and then he looked.

There were bruises. Bruises all over him. On his chest, his arms, his ribs, small bruises over his collar-bone and larger matching pairs of bruises on his upper arms, dark intense bruises at his wrists that Mark tried to ignore the implications of, and worse than all the rest; a huge dark mottled bruise that spread out across the left side of his stomach.

 

Mark leapt up from the sofa.

“Oh my god! Oh _god_ Seb.”

His mouth hung open in shock. Mark had realised that there must have been further injuries, but he'd never imagined anything like this.

Sebastian was looking back at him, almost expressionless. He must know this is really bad, thought Mark. Surely this is bad; worse than normal. This can't be what's _normal_ for him? He looked into Sebastian's blue eyes and they looked dead. Mark felt sick to the pit of his stomach. He couldn't come up with any words fit to meet the horrific sight in front of him.

Mark closed the distance between them and tried to engage Seb's eyes properly with his own.

“Seb I'm so sorry. Oh god, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry...”

Mark wasn't sure what he was apologising for; For failing to help him when he'd learnt what was happening; For never realising in the first place what had been going on; For all the years of enmity between them when Seb had been so desperately in need of a friend; For a world existing in which this could happen to someone.

His chest felt tight and Mark didn't even realise he was crying until he saw that Seb was doing the same.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I hurt the people that you love, none of this is real, it's just a dark and twisted fic of what could be in another reality, a pretty twisted one.


	4. Break The Silence

Mark wrapped his arms around Seb as lightly as he could. He worried he'd held him too tightly before and must have hurt him. He couldn't stand the idea that he'd hurt Sebastian any more than he was already. He hadn't given any sign that he had. Mark wondered how on earth he'd got through the day in this state. Was he really so used to being in pain that it didn't register any more?

Sebastian rested his whole body against Mark's, his head lying in the crook between his neck and shoulder. It crossed Mark's mind that the disparity in height between them meant it fitted neatly there. That ought to be a strange thought. It ought to be strange that a half-naked Sebastian was pressed up against him, but Mark didn't care. He didn't care about anything right now other than looking after Seb.

He felt Sebastian shiver against him and pulled away. He swallowed a few times trying to recover his composure and roughly brushed away the wetness on his face with his hand. Seb still held his t-shirt limply in his hand by his side, so Mark took it from him and dressed him in it again as gently as if he was a child.

They stood there a little while longer, Mark traced his thumbs softly out across Sebastian's face pushing away the tears, giving him a small smile and holding Seb's eyes with his own, trying to draw him back.

“It's gonna be okay.” Mark consoled.

He wasn't sure how, but he knew with absolute certainty that he wasn't going to allow any other outcome.

He rested one hand on Seb's right arm and very gently rubbed the other, he wasn't sure if he trying to warm him up or if it was just a reflex.

Seb was still shivering slightly.

“Are you cold?” he asked.

Seb shook his head. Mark wondered if it might be shock. You were meant to give tea to people in shock. He could do that. He felt as though he was in shock as well. He'd make some tea.

“I'm going to make us some tea, warm us up. It's freezing in here.”

Mark remembered that the window was still open, so he crossed the room and closed it.

 

Seb was still stood rooted to the spot. He felt dazed. Mark seemed to reappear at his side as soon as he'd left it and Seb didn't want him to walk away again, but he told him to sit down & Seb meekly complied while Mark left to make tea.

 

Mark stood in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil. It felt like a terribly mundane activity in the circumstances. He eyed his mobile phone on the kitchen table and decided what he needed to do.

 

 

Back in the lounge Seb sipped the tea and pulled a face so extreme Mark actually smiled.

“Urgh! I mean...” Seb looked bashful, he didn't want to be ungrateful, “I don't take sugar.”

“You do today. It's meant to help. I've got it too.”

Mark took a swig. It did taste pretty vile, but whatever.

Seb drank it obediently.

 

Mark wondered if he hadn't lived in Britain too long if he thought that drinking tea magically fixed things, but maybe it wasn't the tea, but the taking the time, the moment of peace it afforded that mattered. He did actually feel a little more settled once he'd drained his mug and Sebastian seemed calmer.

 

“Right mate,” said Mark with purpose. “What are we gonna do then, hmm?”

Sebastian thought he just wanted Mark to take charge. He do whatever he said. He'd make it okay, somehow.

Mark took a deep breath.

“You can stay here. I'm not going to throw you out. If you need to take a bit of time, we don't have to rush anything. Or if there's somewhere you want to go, a friend's maybe?”

He looked at Seb who just shook his head (what other friend did he have to turn to thought Sebastian).

“Or do you want to call someone, your family?”

Again he was met with a shake of the head.

Mark bit the bullet “or I can call Christian...”

He let that hang there for a moment.

“I'm not going to force you to do anything, alright?”

 

Sebastian had to make this decision for himself. Mark felt it might be crucially important that Seb was the one to determine his own future, that he didn't feel backed into a corner or pushed around by him. He had to feel safe but not trapped.

Mark would let him do whatever he wanted as long as that didn't involve walking away and going back to that bastard. He'd lock the doors before he allowed that to happen. (Probably best not to mention that, he thought wryly.)

 

So far though, Sebastian wasn't making any decisions.

“There's no rush,” reassured Mark.

He checked his watch: Just gone 4pm, it was almost dark outside already.

Mark wasn't really sure what to do and he was sick of sitting there in silence, feeling as though he was pressurising Sebastian, so he reached over for the remote control, flicked the television on and found some nature programme to act as wallpaper for them to stare at for a bit.

Seb only lasted five minutes or so before he cracked.

“Okay,” he said, attempting to sound more certain than he felt. “Call him.”

“You mean Christian?” Mark tried not to sound too relieved.

This wasn't about to get any easier, but Mark knew he couldn't deal with this on his own.

Seb nodded. He looked at Mark to see if this was the right thing and saw him visibly let out some tension in his shoulders. He felt bad for forcing all his problems on Mark, it wasn't fair. He wasn't sure what Christian was going to do, but he always seemed to handle things. He was going to have to go through the whole ordeal of revealing the mess of his miserable life again, but maybe if he could help, it would be worth it.

 

“Do you want to phone him, or should I?” asked Mark.

He was pretty sure he knew what the answer would be, but he thought he'd give Seb the option.

Seb hesitated. “Can you do it? I don't think I can,” he admitted.

He knew that sounded lame, but he if had to try to make that call he'd probably stare at the number to dial until the battery on his mobile phone ran out.

“Right then...”

Mark found himself hesitating now, how was he meant to explain this over the phone to Christian? He'd almost forgotten that Christian had no clue about what had been going on, he'd featured so frequently in their discussions it almost felt as if he was a part of them.

“You're sure?” he looked steadily at Sebastian.

This was surely a point of no return.

Seb gave a nod. He could feel his heartbeat getting faster. He needed Mark to go and do this before he chickened out again.

“Okay.”

 

 

Mark got up, collecting the mugs from the coffee table as he went.

In the kitchen he stared at his phone for a moment before finding Christian's name in the address book, and dialling with trepidation.

He was so tense that when the call connected it was almost a relief when it went unanswered. He tried again. And again. God damnit, where was he? Mark tried twice more and then nearly threw down the phone. Christian was almost physically attached to his mobile phone. He'd picked a fine bloody time to abandon it.

He tried once more, then took a deep breath and left a message.

“Christian, it's Mark. Can you call me back as soon as you get this please? It's important.”

He didn't want to say any more than that. He hoped Christian picked up on the gravity in his voice.

 

This hadn't been a part of Mark's plan and he felt slightly bewildered as to what to do now. He stared at his phone in his hand for a minute whilst leaning on the counter and was about to wash up the cups to kill time when his phone burst into life. He jumped in unwarranted surprise and stared at the name 'Christian' flashing up on the screen, steeling himself before sliding his finger across to accept the call.

 

“Mark, what's up?”

Christian sounded inappropriately jovial. Mark had to remind himself that he had no idea what was going on.

“Christian. Thanks for calling me back.”

“Everything alright? You're not missing us already are you Mark?”

Mark could hear the teasing smile at the other end. Despite their difficulties during his time in the team, he'd always got on pretty well with Christian.

Where to fucking begin, thought Mark.

“Umm, are you in your office? Is there anyone around?”

“Around? No, no one's here, I'm just sat at my desk. Is something the matter?”

“Listen, Christian, I'm sorry to throw this at you, but could you come over?”

“What, _now?”_

“Yeah.”

“Come where? To your house?”

“Yeah. I'm sorry Christian, I can't really explain this over the phone, but I need you to come over right now please.”

Christian suddenly sounded worried. “What's the matter? Are you okay?”

It didn't occur to him to think that as Mark was no longer his driver it might not be his concern.

“Yeah I'm okay,” answered Mark, although in truth, he really wasn't. “It's Seb.”

“ _Seb?”_ Christian sounded confused.

“Yeah, he's here. Look, I'm sorry about this, but I can't really get into this on the phone. I just need to come over as soon as you can, alright?”

“What is Sebastian doing at your house?”

The concept seemed unfathomable to Christian. Why in god's name would Sebastian be at Mark's? He'd only seen Seb earlier today. He'd been pretty quiet through the meetings and Christian had wondered if he was worrying about the potential problems they were facing with the new regulations, but why on earth that would lead him to go to Mark's place eluded him. He didn't think Seb even knew where Mark lived.

 

Christian frowned at his phone. “Is he alright?”

Something definitely wasn't right here.

Mark wasn't sure how to answer. He needed Christian to understand the urgency of the situation, but felt it was impossible to explain anything until he was there in person.

“No, to be honest mate, he's not.” Mark sighed.

This was more difficult than he'd imagined.

“He's really not. Can you please just come round and we can talk properly?”

“You're not going to tell me what this is about?”

Christian sounded both concerned and slightly exasperated. He had work to do, he couldn't just go dashing about at the beck and call of his drivers, of his _ex_ -driver even.

Mark squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. Was he going to have to drive to Milton Keynes and bring Christian here himself?

“Please Christian?”

Mark sounded calm, but something in his tone of voice told Christian to stop asking questions and get in his car.

“Alright, I'll be half an hour or so.”

 

Mark hung up feeling a bit more solid. He suddenly felt bad for Christian. The poor guy had no idea what he was about to wade into.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels like it might really be half a chapter, but I thought I'd share where I'm at


	5. Break The Chain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're wandering down dark corridors, but maybe, just maybe, there might be a light at the end
> 
> This was never going to be easy

 

When the knock at the door eventually came Seb jumped so badly Mark worried whether he was going to be in any state to properly talk to Christian about all this. Was _he_ going to have to do this? He didn't think that was a very good idea. Sebastian needed to talk to Christian himself, it had to be his choice what he told him.

“It's just Christian.”

Mark paused before getting up to let him in.

“You only have to tell him as much as you want to, alright? It's your call.”

He tried to look reassuring, there was no point panicking Sebastian, or they'd get nowhere.

 

 

He opened the front door and sure enough there was Christian with an expression on his face that was equal parts concerned and bemused.

Rather than let Christian in, Mark stepped out of the house into the darkness and pulled the door to behind him.

“Hi,” he greeted him awkwardly. “Thank you for coming. Sorry for all the cloak and dagger stuff, but, well, you'll understand.”

Christian thought that was even more cryptic. He would have made a joke to that end, but the look on Mark's face told him that whatever the hell this was, it was no joking matter.

“Are you going to give me a clue why I'm here?” he asked.

Apart from anything else Christian was at a loss as to why Sebastian would be at _Mark's_ of all people. He'd spent the past year keeping them apart after the relationship between the team-mates had hit an all-time low in Malaysia. Was this just about raking over old ground? Surely now Mark had left the team there was no point Seb coming here?

 

Mark rubbed the stubble on his jaw. God this was hard.

“Listen mate, it's Seb. I don't even know where to start, but he needs to talk to you, and it's _serious_ okay? It's not really my place to tell you, but there's a hell of a lot of stuff that I, _we_ , had no idea was going on. He's in a pretty bad way.”

Christian still looked confused, but Mark ploughed on.

“You need to let him talk, don't push him okay? Just trust me on this.”

“Fine. Any chance we could go inside, it's freezing out here?”

Christian actually sounded a little annoyed now. Mark was about to glare at him, but he had to keep telling himself Christian had no idea what he was alluding to.

 

 

They entered the lounge together and Christian saw Sebastian sat on the sofa, large as life and twice as perplexing. He didn't turn around to look at them as they walked in, but fixed on the half-empty bottle of water in his hands instead.

Now he'd arrived Seb had no idea how he was was supposed to tell Christian about all this. It was so much easier with Mark.

 

Christian laid a hand on his shoulder as he rounded the sofa and leant down a bit.

“All okay Seb?” he tried lightly.

Sebastian glanced briefly up at him before returning his gaze to the apparently riveting bottle in his hands.

Christian felt the tension in the room and removed his hand, feeling uncomfortable as Seb wouldn't look at him. He took a seat on a chair to the side and looked over at Mark for guidance.

Mark had been hovering near the door, but he came in and stood to the side of Seb, placing himself between the two.

Ignoring Christian he focussed on Sebastian.

“Do you want me to leave you alone for a bit, or...?”

Sebastian's head snapped up. “No, stay. Please.” His voice quavered a little on the last word.

“Okay,” said Mark reassuringly, and took up his place on the right of the sofa beside Seb.

 

Christian was about to ask what the hell this was all about when he caught the warning in Mark's eye.

Seb didn't seem the same person he'd seen earlier in the day; he seemed so on edge. His eye appeared to be worse as well. Christian couldn't be sure but he thought he might have been crying.

 

A clearly upset Seb at Mark's house? In other circumstances Christian would have assumed that meant some kind of row between the two of them, but the vibe between Sebastian and Mark was so strange; Seb seemed to be looking to Mark. And Mark? Well if Christian had to describe the way Mark was behaving towards Sebastian in return he would have said 'protective', which, given their history, was frankly mystifying.

 

The silence stretched out.

Seb didn't know how to begin, he almost wished the water he had was vodka, he could use a little Dutch courage right now.

He put the bottle down on the coffee-table in front of him.

 

“Whatever it is Seb, it can't be that bad that you can't tell me, surely?” tried Christian.

 

You've really no idea, thought Seb. He looked back at Mark for help.

Mark reached out and squeezed Seb's hand.

“ _Seb_...”

How were they supposed to start this? Mark couldn't do this for him. He squeezed Seb's hand again and said very quietly; “You can do this.”

Seb closed his eyes for a second. It felt like a prayer. Please don't let go of my hand, he thought.

He took a sharp breath in and looked at Christian.

 

Christian schooled his face into a neutral expression. He was trying not to gawk at the way Mark had a hold of Sebastian's hand. What in the name of god was going on? He felt like he'd stepped into a parallel universe.

 

“I wasn't playing squash.” said Seb.

“What?”

Christian was nonplussed by this seemingly random statement. _Squash?_ What did that have to do with anything?

Then it hit him; His eye, Sebastian had said he'd done that playing squash.

He hadn't been playing squash.

 

Christian's mouth opened slightly. The question he had to ask was unavoidable.

“What were you..? I mean, your eye? You mean how you hurt your eye?”

Seb gave a tiny nod.

“How did you do that then?” asked Christian with a sudden sense of misgiving.

 

Sebastian wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole. He wanted to die in that moment rather than have to tell Christian the truth.

Mark squeezed his hand tight and Seb thought he must be able to feel it shaking. He wasn't going to fall apart, he wasn't going to break down in front of Christian. He was just going to tell him. He had to tell him. He _had_ to tell him.

His chest was going to burst.

 

He swallowed hard, he couldn't make the words come out of his mouth. He could feel the blood pulsing frantically through his veins, his heart hammering.

It was a different kind of fear than he was used to. With Heikki it was because he knew what was going to happen, now it was because he didn't. He didn't know how Christian was going to react. If he'd understand. If he could trust him.

Would he tell the team, would he feel compelled to? Would he destroy everything Seb had worked so hard for, the only thing he had in his life that was good?

 

“Sebastian?” pressed Christian.

Mark gave him a look that told him to shut up and gave Seb another little squeeze.

“He hit me.”

“What?!”

Christian's eyes shot to Mark, thinking for a second that Seb meant him, but the way the two of them were sat together made it clear that couldn't be who he meant.

“Who hit you?”

Seb curled up his left hand and dug his nails into the palm as hard as he could to distract himself from the way Christian was looking at him. He couldn't keep eye-contact with him, flicking a nervous glance up before focussing on the water-bottle in front of him.

 

“Heikki.”

 

Oh god he'd said it. He'd said his name. Sebastian looked up at Christian, terrified of what he'd see.

 

Christian was momentarily stupefied.

“Heikki _hit_ you?” he repeated.

Seb swallowed again and nodded, managing to keep his head up.

“Did you guys have a fight?”

A fight? Thought Sebastian. It was almost funny. A _fight?_ As if Seb ever really fought back.

 

“Are you having problems?” probed Christian.

He'd never overtly asked Sebastian about the status of their relationship, but he'd assumed they were involved.

Seb stared hard at him now. How could he sound so calm asking that? So dispassionate? As if it was just some little disagreement.

He felt tears pricking at his eyes and dug his nails in even harder into his hand.

“Problems?” he choked.

 

Mark was struggling to stay out of this. Christian wasn't getting it.

“Mate, he just told you he hit him. That's not _'problems'._ ”

Mark tried not to sound angry. It wasn't Christian's fault. It was Heikki he was angry with not Christian.

 

Christian looked over at Mark, surprised at how agitated he sounded.

Not just a fight then. And if it wasn't just a fight, then what did that mean? Heikki had hit Sebastian. Mark had said this was serious. It was serious. Not just a fight getting out of hand. What did that mean?

The knuckles on Seb's left hand were white. He looked as though he was struggling not to cry.

 _Jesus_. Christian realised with a shock what his next question had to be.

“Has he done this before?”

 

There it was. That was the point. Sebastian felt like a dam had burst.

He nodded tightly, over and over. He carried on digging his nails in but it wasn't working any more, he couldn't hold back the tears.

 

Mark let go of his hand and placed his arm across his shoulder-blades. Seb wanted to fold into him, but he couldn't do that right now, not with Christian there. He sank his face into his hands.

Oh god this was awful. He was mortified. He couldn't take Christian looking at him like that; the appalled expression on his face. He didn't even know if that was due to what Seb had told him about Heikki or at seeing the wreck of a driver that sat in front of him.

 

Mark gently stroked his back.

“It's okay Seb, it's okay.”

Christian couldn't believe the sight before him: Sebastian in bits and Mark comforting him as if that was something normal. He'd thought the pair couldn't stand one another.

 

 

After a while Sebastian managed to pull himself together enough to sit up and face Christian again. He'd been patiently waiting, trying to recover himself almost as much as Seb needed to. He pressed his fingers to his temples and massaged them for a second.

 

“Seb I need to be clear. Are you telling me Heikki is violent towards you?”

Seb only managed to nod his head once more.

Mark handed him the water-bottle back and he took a drink.

“Seb?” insisted Christian.

“Yes. Okay? Yes. He hurts me. He...”

Sebastian couldn't do it. He couldn't spell out exactly what Heikki did.

“He's not a good person...”

“He's a complete bloody bastard,” finished Mark.

 

Somehow Mark's comment proved even more of a jolt than what Sebastian was saying to Christian. How had Mark got involved in all this he wondered.

 

“And this has been going on? I mean it's been happening for a while?”

Seb nodded.

“ _Seb_ , why didn't you say anything?” Christian still couldn't believe it.

 

Mark felt a wash of anger and frustration towards Christian. Don't you dare, don't you _dare_ put this back on him he thought.

 

“He is saying something. He's saying it now,” Mark bit.

 

Christian's eyes widened in surprise. Why was Mark being so defensive?

“Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I appreciate this must be very difficult for you to admit.”

 

 _Admit?_ Thought Mark. He was going to lose it in a minute. Christian was making this worse. How could he make it sound as though it was Seb's fault? He wasn't getting this at all, he didn't seem to understand what Heikki was, what he'd done to Sebastian.

 

Mark tried to rein himself in, to try to see it from Christian's point of view. How had he reacted the first time he'd heard this? Hadn't he asked some of the same questions, made some of the same assumptions?

He wanted to walk away and get some space for a bit to clear his head and calm down, but he couldn't abandon Seb. They had to see this through.

 

Christian looked at Seb's eye. It looked sore. He felt terrible for pretty much ignoring it earlier. Seb had dismissed it so easily he hadn't thought twice about it.

“Should I ask exactly what happened?”

Sebastian didn't respond.

“Your eye; it looks pretty bad. Maybe you should get it looked at? I should have asked earlier when we were at the factory, seen if Doctor Phillips was about. Do you want me to call him?”

“No!” Seb felt panic again. He didn't want anyone else to know. Christian couldn't tell anyone else.

“Can we just keep this between us for now?” interjected Mark.

The last thing Sebastian needed was for Christian to start involving other people. He'd promised Seb he could trust Christian. He hoped to god he'd been right.

 

Christian had no clue as to how he was supposed to proceed here.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he tried.

He got nothing back. He tried to reach out to Sebastian.

“You can say, or... I don't know, you don't have to say what's gone on. If you don't want to. I'm sorry I didn't say anything before about your eye, that I didn't really ask about it, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable at the factory. I had no idea...”

 

Christian left off. He really _had_ had no idea, but he hadn't enquired either. Had he just not wanted to know so they could concentrate on the work they needed to get through? They were facing some serious problems with the new car and Christian had been so focussed on managing that he hadn't had any time for any other problems. He suddenly felt guilty that he'd paid so little attention to the actual human being he worked with rather than the petty details of engineering. He looked at Sebastian and wondered what else he didn't know, what else hadn't he been paying attention to and for how long?

Everything had been so intense last year, had he been so swept up in the success they'd been having he'd failed to consider the well-being of the people he worked with? Was he that oblivious? Was his obsession with winning again and again last season about to bite him as badly as he suspected the changes in Formula One were about to?

He couldn't pretend he hadn't been conscious that there had been times last year when Sebastian had been withdrawn, but he'd thought that was down to the way that crowds had turned on him as a result of his dominance on the track; The booing, that awful cruel booing. He'd been well aware that Seb had been putting on a brave face about that. He'd tried to talk to him about it a few times, but Sebastian had never really opened up and Christian had put it to one side and tried to keep things upbeat; telling him that they were just jealous and not to let it get to him.

He was a crap boss, an idiot for not seeing that Seb was having problems. Christian always thought he was a pretty approachable guy, that there was an open easy atmosphere at the team and anyone could come and knock on his door if they needed to. But it turned out his number one star driver was hiding things from him and for all their friendly little chats he didn't really know him at all.

 

“What else don't I know Seb?” he let out.

Christian could feel Mark looking at him disapprovingly. He'd warned him not to push Seb, but if they just sat there in silence how was he supposed to understand exactly what had been going on?

“I know you and Heikki are together if that's what you're worrying about?”

“Not any more.” replied Sebastian.

It actually came as a shock to himself to say that. But no, they weren't together, that was what he'd meant by trying to sack Heikki; the whole point was that they wouldn't be together in any way, and now that he was here he didn't want to go back, he didn't want to go anywhere near him.

“Right. Okay. Good, I guess. Is that how this happened then?” Christian gestured to Seb's eye.

It was bad, but it made sense if Heikki had overreacted to being dumped.

“I'm not saying that him doing this is alright, obviously,” Christian hurried. “Obviously not, this is awful, unacceptable, I mean that's a really nasty blow.”

 

Oh god, thought Sebastian. The way Christian said that made him want to cry even more. He thought the black-eye was bad, he thought that was it, he had no conception of how little that was, he still didn't understand. Was he going to have to show him too, to make him appreciate how serious things were?

He regarded Christian for a moment and then turned to Mark. He didn't even have to say anything; Mark read his apprehension.

“You don't have to go any further Seb.”

But he did. If Christian was going to understand he had to know. He had to _see_.

Seb turned back to Christian and started to stand.

Mark snatched at his arm and then immediately let go, not wanting to hurt him.

“Seb, _don't,_ okay? You don't have to do this.”

Mark felt as though he was the one pushing Seb into revealing just how dire all this was, it felt like he was torturing him, going over and over things. He realised what Seb was about to do and he felt sick at the thought of seeing again how just how badly Heikki had hurt him, at how Sebastian was forcing himself through the ordeal of exposing himself to Christian.

 

He stood up and looked fully at Sebastian.

“You don't have to do this.”

“I do,” replied Seb resignedly.

He'd never be able to _tell_ Christian. If he was going to appreciate how bad things were he'd have to see with his own eyes, then maybe he'd understand properly like Mark did.

 

Christian sat there wondering what they were talking about. Was Sebastian about to leave?

He was about to open his mouth when Mark stepped back slightly giving Seb room.

Seb slowly pulled his t-shirt off.

Christian was about to ask what he was doing when he caught Mark's eye, then he watched in horror as Sebastian revealed what lay hidden beneath his shirt.

 

He felt as though someone had tipped a bucket of ice-water over him.

 

Suddenly Christian was stood up too. He couldn't help himself staring in dreadful fascination at the litany of terrible bruises that marked Seb's skin. So many bruises. God, _s_ _o many_. Some of them were really awful; his stomach, Christ, the bruise on his stomach looked painful, unspeakably painful. God almighty. Heikki had done this? How had he done this to Seb? How could this happen?

 

“ _Fuck_. Fucking hell. _Seb?_ ” it came out as a gasp.

Christian almost felt as if he was the one who been punched in the stomach.

 

“So now you know,” said Seb quietly, not raising his eyes.

Christian couldn't begin to think of an appropriate response.

“Yeah,” he breathed inadequately.

He sat back down feeling winded.

Sebastian was still stood there in front of him, his beaten body still on display. He was shivering in the cold and Mark silently took the t-shirt from his hands and re-dressed him.

 

Mark knew about this. How did Mark know, wondered Christian. _When_ did he know? How long had Mark been involved? How could he have known and not told him?

How could he not have said anything he thought, suddenly angry with him.

 

“You knew?” he accused Mark.

Mark was sitting Sebastian back down, resuming his position at his side, a little closer than before.

Mark shot him a look. Christian had no right to be annoyed with him, but he felt guilty none the less.

“How long have you known?” Christian enquired.

It was easier asking this than addressing the real problem in front of him.

“Not long,” answered Mark, though in truth it felt like a very long time now.

“I didn't know how bad things were,” he justified.

“But you knew?”

“Only since Brazil, after Brazil, really...”

 

Sebastian had withdrawn into himself so much it was almost as if he wasn't there.

 

“How could you not say anything?”

Christian was still taken aback. He didn't even ask how it was that Mark had found out, that didn't seem to matter.

Mark did feel guilty, but he'd been in a lose-lose situation.

“Not my place to tell, mate.”

“I asked him not to,” piped up Sebastian from nowhere. “I made him promise not to say anything. It's not Mark's fault.”

Christian sighed. He looked at Sebastian and Mark and still couldn't believe that it was the two of them together that he was facing.

“Please don't blame Mark.”

Sebastian sounded so anxious. Christian wanted to go over there and hug him, reassure him and make it okay, but he couldn't with Mark there. He suddenly understood the way Mark was acting around Seb. It made sense now.

“Okay. I _don't,_ alright?” Christian was addressing both of them.

 

Sebastian was still shaking slightly. Mark was ignoring Christian again and looking concerned. He rubbed Seb's arm for a moment and then felt his hand.

“You're cold,” he stated.

The heating was on, but his hand felt like ice. Mark got up and rummaged around in a bag that was near the door, returning with a hoodie from his training kit.

“Here, put this on,” he said, unzipping the front and passing it to Seb.

 

Christian looked over at Sebastian. He wished he wasn't clean-shaven today; wrapped up in that too big hoodie he looked about twelve years old and Christian had to remind himself that he wasn't a kid; he was an adult and they had to treat him as such.

He took a deep breath.

“Seb, what do you want to do? This is clearly a very serious matter. Do you want to go to the police?”

“No! No you can't do that, You wont? Please?” He almost shouted, aghast at the suggestion.

“Hey, hey calm down, Seb. _Seb?_ ”

Christian knew instantly that he was getting this all wrong. He should be trying to reassure Sebastian and he was just upsetting him further.

“Seb I'm not going to do _anything_   you don't ask me to do, okay?”

Christian was trying to convey to him that Sebastian was in charge. It disturbed him to hear how frightened Seb sounded.

“Please don't tell people, _please?_ ” Sebastian begged.

 

Despite the hoodie he was shaking again and barely felt Mark's hand stroking his back trying to pacify him. Christian was raising all his worst fears. He'd trusted him because Mark trusted him, and now there was no way back; if Christian decided to uncover all this to the team, to the _world_ , there was no way Sebastian could stop him. He didn't know what he'd do if that happened.

 

“I'm not going to Sebastian.” Christian tried to instil a steadiness into his voice that might register with Seb in his current state.

“I'm not going to say anything without your permission, but I need to know what you want me to do to help you. That's all I want to do, okay? I want to help. I don't want to make this any harder for you.”

Christian didn't think doing nothing was really an option, but if that's what Seb needed right now, then it would do for the time-being. Forcing action upon him in this state was only going to make things worse, although that barely seemed possible right now.

Sebastian looked like a rabbit in headlights and Christian wasn't sure what the least threatening suggestion might be: No doctor; no calling the police...

“What about calling your family?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“We've been over this,” said Mark sounding resigned. “For now can we just leave it?”

Christian seemed to have no better handle on this than he did. Maybe it had been a mistake calling him?

“Fine, okay. You don't have to do anything right now Seb.”

 

A thought occurred to Christian.

“Were you meant to be on a flight back to Switzerland this afternoon?”

“Yes,” conceded Seb, nervously wondering if Christian was about to suggest rescheduling it and sending him home.

“What do you want to do about that?”

Christian knew Heikki lived close by Seb's Swiss home, obviously going back there right now wasn't feasible.

“He can stay here,” said Mark without even thinking about it.

Seb turned to him gratefully.

“Really?”

He didn't know for how long Mark meant, but right now all he cared about was remaining somewhere he felt secure.

“ _Really?_ ” echoed Christian, still slightly amazed at Mark's demeanour towards Sebastian.

“Yeah of course. You don't want to go back do you?”

Mark was worried to ask that question.

“No.” Sebastian shook his head.

It was about the only thing he was sure of right now; he didn't want to go anywhere near Heikki.

“Fine, stay here then.”

It sounded very final when Mark said it. Christian had been about to suggest fixing up a hotel for Sebastian, but (strange as it still seemed) Mark's offer was far better than leaving Seb in an impersonal hotel room on his own in this state.

 

'Well that's something resolved,' thought Christian, even if nothing else was. Maybe if he just gave Seb a bit of space it would give him time to think what he was really meant to do about all this.

He rubbed his face for a minute trying to stimulate his overwhelmed brain.

“Mark, any chance I could get a coffee or something?”

Christian felt selfish asking, but he'd been up since 5am and he'd never imagined the day he'd planned taking a turn like this. He'd thought his morning discussing the problems with Renault had been bad; that had been nothing by comparison to this.

 

Mark hesitated, checking with Sebastian before leaving him alone on the sofa and showing Christian into the kitchen. He wanted to speak to him away from Seb for a bit.

 

 

Christian slumped into one of the kitchen chairs.

“ _Fucking hell,_ ” he breathed, giving Mark a wide-eyed goggle.

“Yeah mate. I'm sorry.” Mark let out a puff. “I'm sorry I couldn't really warn you what you were walking into.”

 

The kettle boiled behind him and he made them each a coffee. He got out another mug for Sebastian and wondered if he'd be okay on his own for a few minutes while he sat down.

Christian sipped his drink and then rubbed his face again.

“I've really no idea what I'm meant to do about this.”

“Me either,” admitted Mark. “Just, I dunno, I think maybe if we can just keep him away from Heikki and then work out how to get him some proper help?”

“Well if he's staying here, that's not going to be an issue is it?”

“I hope not.”

“Do you think we need to worry about him turning up and causing trouble?”

“Not really, though I guess that's one thing you can sort out.”

Christian looked up in enquiry.

“Part of all this,” Mark waved back in the direction of the lounge, “came about because Seb told Heikki he was sacked. Can he do that?”

“Umm, I don't know really, but yeah I can sort that out at least. He's gone.”

Christian was pretty sure he had the power to do that without too much difficulty.

“Do you think a restraining order is necessary?”

Mark hadn't considered something like that.

“Maybe, I don't know, couldn't hurt I guess, if we can do it without drawing any attention. The last thing Seb wants is publicity.”

“Right,” nodded Christian. There was a legal team at RedBull, maybe it was time they earned their money?

“To be honest mate I'm less worried about that, than what Seb might do.”

Christian was perplexed. “What do you mean?”

“I'm not sure. I really hope he wouldn't now, that this is enough to really call a halt to this, but before... I mean I spoke to him before and I did _try_ to help him, but...”

Mark sighed, this worried him more than anything, “each time he went back to him.”

 

Christian jerked up his head.

“You think he'd go _back?_ ”

He couldn't get his head around it.

“After this? How could he? Why on earth would he go back after something like this?”

“Because that's what happened last time, and the time before that. I don't know if things have been this bad previously or if this is worse, he's not really got into all that, but that's what happens isn't it? That's the problem.”

“What?” Christian couldn't comprehend what Mark was saying.

“That they have a hold over them, in a fucked up twisted way.”

Christian frowned at him. “Them?”

“Victims of abuse.”

 

Mark thought it was obvious what he meant, why wasn't Christian following him?

“Abuse?” stopped Christian.

He looked at Mark as if he was talking in another language. What was Mark saying?

“He's not a child Mark.”

Mark looked at him hard. Christian really wasn't getting this. He was trying not to get annoyed at him for being so obtuse.

“It's not about that, that's not the point. Okay...”

Mark gripped his mug so hard he thought he might break it. He had to get Christian to drop his preconceptions and see what this situation really amounted to.

“Do you really not understand what's been going on here?” asked Mark trying to sound patient.

“Someone trapped in a relationship with a person who's somehow got power over them, who treats them like shit, _hurts them_ , but they don't leave? They don't tell anyone what's going on or try to get help cos they're too fucking ashamed of the situation they're in. Covering up what's happening, lying about injuries to the people around them, until it gets worse and worse and they can't take any more?”

Mark looked pointedly at Christian.

“For fuck's sake, Christian don't you _get it?_ Don't you understand what this is? Think of all that, think of all that happening, and then don't think of Seb. Think what you'd call it if that was happening to a woman? What would she be? What would you call her?”

Christian's mouth opened without him consciously thinking about it.

“A battered wife.”

 

He felt like the words had been wrenched from him. He looked at Mark feeling as though the words were still hanging accusingly in the air between them.

 

Mark nodded disconsolately. He felt like fucking crying. Jesus, it was completely bloody awful, but at least Christian understood now.

At least if they recognised what this was they might stand a chance of dealing with it properly.

 

They both drank their coffee for a while, trying to regroup.

 

“We should go back through,” said Mark.

He didn't want to leave Sebastian alone for too long. He reboiled the kettle and made Seb a cup of tea.

 

Sebastian was sat with his feet hooked up onto the sofa. Mark couldn't help thinking how young he looked swamped in his hoodie; his blonde hair and blue eyes always gave him an air of innocence, but now he just seemed so damn vulnerable and the thought caused a catch in his chest.

 

They sat back down and Mark handed Seb the mug of tea, which he drank despite grimacing at the repeated dose of sugar.

 

“Okay then,” said Christian with a look at his watch. “I think maybe if you're really happy to have Seb stay here we should leave this for now and I'll come back tomorrow, see if sleeping on it doesn't help?”

He felt a bit unfair on Mark leaving Seb in his hands, but he needed to check a few things and think through some kind of plan of action. He wasn't going to be able to keep this entirely between the three of them, that much was clear, but Sebastian wasn't ready to deal with that and there was no point distressing him further by raising that point now. Maybe sleep really would help? He wondered what the likelihood was of himself getting much of that tonight.

“How does that sound?”

He was looking at Seb, but it was Mark that answered.

“Fine.”

Christian looked at Sebastian, “Seb, you're happy to stay here?”

“If Mark, I mean if you don't mind?”

Seb turned to Mark for reassurance.

“Of course. No problem mate, this place is full of spare bedrooms, alright?”

 

“Right then, well...” Christian gave Mark one last glance to see that this was okay, “I guess I'm going to head off then. I'll umm, I'll ring in the morning, probably come over.”

Seb managed a small smile.

“Thank you. I'm sorry I...”

“No apologising, okay? Get some rest and try not worry. I promise I'm not going to be doing anything overnight. We'll talk tomorrow.”

 

 

Mark got up and showed him out, Sebastian following awkwardly. At the door Christian shook Mark's hand as if agreeing on an unspoken pact and then gave Seb a long hug trying to be as careful as possible.

 

He walked out into the cold night air and took some deep breaths to compose himself before getting back in his car and driving back to the factory. He hadn't lied to Sebastian, he wasn't going to do anything, but he was going to find out exactly what he could do as soon as possible, this couldn't wait.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, things have to get better from here, right?


	6. Dark Is The Night

 

 

Mark shut the door behind Christian and felt more than a little awkward, unsure what came next, but when he saw the way Sebastian visibly relaxed now it was just the two of him, he found himself relaxing too.

 

He gave Seb a small smile and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you hungry?”

It occurred to him that he no idea what Sebastian even liked to eat, but he must have something in that would do.

 

Seb shook his head, “Not really.”

He didn't feel anything much right now other than tired. God he was tired. He thought he could probably sleep standing up right there in the hallway.

 

Despite Seb's response, Mark led them into the kitchen to see what he could find for them to eat. He still thought Sebastian looked pale; eating might help, it certainly couldn't hurt and at least it gave them something to do; an ordinary routine activity to distract them from worrying about the bigger picture for a while.

 

The minute he re-entered the kitchen Mark remembered that the dogs were still outside, they'd been out for ages in the cold and he felt guilty he'd forgotten all about them.

 

“Shadow, Simba! In!” He yelled from the back door into the garden and two large boisterous dogs came hurtling into the room, bowling straight into Sebastian and nearly knocking him over.

“Oh shit, Seb are you alright?”

The dogs were bouncing up in front of him, “Down, _down_ boys!”

The two dogs immediately ceased jumping and returned to Mark's side. He crouched down and rubbed their backs to warm them up.

“Sorry mate, they're a bit like missiles when they reckon there might be some food in the offing. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, fine. They're umm, very enthusiastic.”

“Ha, yeah you could say that.”

Mark was giving the dogs his full attention now.

“You must be perishing, me leaving you out all that time, I'm sorry boys.”

He continued rubbing them down while dodging their attempts to lick his face.

Sebastian smiled to see the affection Mark clearly had for the animals. They were big creatures but they didn't seem at all threatening.

Mark turned back to Sebastian, “They're just big soppy giants mate you'll see, no need to worry.”

He looked back at the dogs, addressing them at eye-level.

“Now then, this is Seb,” he glanced back over at him, “he's our guest and under no circumstances are you permitted to eat him.”

Seb actually coughed a laugh at that, “I'm honoured.”

“You should be,” smiled Mark.

If they ever came across Heikki he would be afforded no such privilege. He wondered idly if they could eat a whole human and leave no trace. He reckoned they'd give it a good go.

“You could do that for me, eh boys?” he said aloud without thinking.

“Hmm?”

“Oh, nothing.”

 

Mark was starting to feel a bit better already. They always had that effect on him, whenever he'd had a bad day or was feeling tired and a little ragged around the edges, a walk out with the dogs was guaranteed to improve his mood.

He stood up and brought the dogs over to Sebastian.

“This is Simba,” he ruffled the light brown one on his right “and this is Shadow,” he stroked the ear of the grey dog to his left.

Sebastian ducked down and looked at them both quite seriously. “Hello.”

He gave them a stroke and was rewarded by them nuzzling at his hand.

 

Huh, they like him, thought Mark. They were usually a lot more circumspect about strangers.

 

Mark filled the dog bowls in the corner and then set about digging around trying to find some food.

 

“Pasta alright?” He asked.

“Oh, umm, yeah fine. Thanks,” answered Seb.

He still wasn't hungry, but it seemed rude to refuse Mark's hospitality. He was being so kind, Sebastian didn't want to do or say anything to upset him.

 

They ate the meal at the kitchen table, not talking much. It felt as though they'd spent hours talking, the quiet now was a relief.

Sebastian found he did have an appetite, which he supposed wasn't too surprising as he hadn't eaten anything all day.

 

Once they'd finished Mark needed to take the dogs out for their evening walk. He asked Sebastian if he'd like to come along, offered to lend him a coat, but Seb didn't want to go any further than the sofa in the lounge, so Mark switched on the TV for Sebastian and left him to it.

In truth he was glad to have the chance to get a bit of space to clear his mind.

 

 

The air was cold, but not biting, enough to wake him up. He rounded the lane and took the pathway up to the top of the hill. From the summit he could see the lights of the surrounding villages in the distance. It was one of his favourite spots, even in the pitch dark as it was now.

He let the dogs off their leads for a run around while he had a think.

 

Now he was out of the house and away from Sebastian it almost seemed unreal, he'd had no idea what had been coming his way when he'd woken up this morning. It was all so extreme, if someone had told him the story he wouldn't have believed it, but he couldn't get the image of the damage done to Seb out of his mind.

Mark hoped to god he'd done the right thing bringing Christian into all this. He'd seemed to take so long struggling to get to grips with the full severity of the situation, but Mark hoped that he understood now. He had seemed to when he left.

At least Christian was in a position to help; that had to be better, and Mark was certain that they could trust him to do what he said and not speak to anyone before returning tomorrow. Quite what the plan of action was to be when he returned, Mark didn't know, but he was fairly sure that at least there would be one. That was Christian's way: finding solutions; making plans; taking action.

It had to have been the right decision to call him. On his own Mark wouldn't have been able to do much more than comfort Seb. He wouldn't have any clue what the next step should be.

At least Seb was safe at his house now. Mark felt some guilt that a tiny part of him was glad that something had happened to force Sebastian to take the step to come to him, at least now he could stop worrying about him in abstract. Hard as it was, at least now Seb was away from Heikki and they were facing up to things there was a chance things might get better. He didn't quite know how, but surely they had to get better. At least he was away from Heikki.

Mark hoped he was alright back on the house on his own, he should get back, he'd probably left him on his own too long already.

Mark called back the dogs and set off back home at a brisk pace, trying not to entertain any (probably) ridiculous notions that Seb might be gone when he got back.

 

 

“Hey,” greeted Mark as they re-entered the warmth of the lounge from the hallway.

“Hey,” offered Sebastian quietly from the sofa.

Mark thought he looked tired; hardly surprising really.

Mark joined him on the sofa as the dogs squirmed around taking up position on the floor in front of them.

“I, umm, put this on,” Seb pointed at the screen with the remote control “I don't know what you want...” he offered it up to Mark who placed it down on the coffee-table.

“It's fine. How are you doing? Okay? Do you want anything, or...”

“I'm fine thanks. I umm, I got my bag from the car. I've not got much, but a few things so I'll be okay... I wanted to say thank you for letting me stay, I'm sorry I...”

“Don't be sorry, it's no problem Seb.” Mark tried to look reassuring. “There's plenty of space here, it's no trouble. Like I said, I've loads of spare bedrooms, you can have your pick.”

He smiled trying to keep things light. He couldn't remember the last time he'd actually had anyone to stay in those rooms, but he was pretty sure they were still made up, he could always rely on his housekeeper to keep the place in good shape.

 

They sat in companionable silence for a while not really watching the crime drama playing out on the TV in front of them, until Mark noticed Seb starting to nod off, his head lolling towards the arm of the sofa. He glanced at his watch; late enough.

“Hey, Seb,” he gave him a gentle nudge on the elbow.

“Come on, can't have you sleeping here, what kind of host would that make me eh?”

 

They made there way into the hall and up the stairs, Seb scooping up his flight hold-all as he went.

 

“So... right...” Mark hesitated on the landing, wondering where best to put Sebastian.

“This is the bathroom,” he opened up the door and peered in, “there should be stuff in there, just help yourself.”

“And, umm, yeah this'll do,” he settled on the bedroom next to his, walking in and taking Seb's bag from him, dumping it on the bed.

“Thanks,” mumbled Seb, feeling awkward. He had no right to expect such kindness from Mark, he was really putting himself out letting him into his home.

“And my room is just on the right, so, well, if you need anything...”

 

Sebastian paused, then opened up his bag and had a quick look inside. He'd been caught out with airport delays too often not to take a few emergency items with him whenever he travelled.

“Umm, Mark, I don't suppose I could borrow, umm I don't know... a t-shirt or something, to sleep in?”

Seb looked embarrassed and Mark felt bad for not thinking of that, he thought he ought to find Seb a few items of clothing that might do him for a few days, they'd be too long, but still, better than nothing. He'd do that in the morning.

“Of course, yeah, sorry I should've thought. Come through.”

Mark lead him into his bedroom and rifled through a drawer, coming across something and allowing a smile to creep across his face.

He held up a t-shirt for Sebastian; one of his old team shirts.

Thankfully Seb smiled in return and took the t-shirt without demur.

“Is there anything else you need, or...”

“No, I'm good, thanks Mark, really.”

Sebastian felt awkward again, he shuffled, looking at the floor. “I don't know how to thank you Mark.”

“It's really fine, Seb. It's okay, just get some sleep and try not to worry about things.”

Mark knew how unrealistic a suggestion that was. He wondered if Sebastian wanted to talk some more, but he looked dog-tired and in truth so was Mark. Maybe they'd both be better for a little sleep?

 

Seb returned to his room and closed the door behind him. It suddenly struck him how strange it was that he was in Mark's house, _staying_ in Mark's house. He wasn't entirely sure what he'd been hoping for when he'd turned up uninvited earlier, but he hadn't really expected this. He wasn't quite sure what he had been expecting to be honest.

He found his toothbrush in his bag and used the bathroom opposite. Returning he stripped off to his boxers and pulled on Mark's t-shirt. It felt cool and clean against his skin. It was a little too long, but that didn't matter.

Seb remembered a time long ago when he'd first joined the team and some of the kit supplies got mixed up; Seb had turned up to a briefing in one of Mark's shirts looking like a kid who nicked his older brother's clothes. They'd all laughed, even Mark, but not unkindly. Seb feeling a little silly but included, one of the team, even if a junior member.

It seemed like a lifetime ago.

 

  

Mark climbed into bed trying not to think too much about what tomorrow would bring. Seb hadn't seemed too bad this evening, but he'd been very quiet. Mark should probably have prompted him to talk a bit more, at least see if he _wanted_   to talk, but he'd felt worn out and he wasn't sure how much there was to add.

At least he was here, that was a start. Tomorrow was going to bring new difficulties, but for now he should just try to get some sleep. He hoped Seb would be able to get some sleep too.

 

 

Seb lay in bed feeling almost overwhelmingly grateful that he was lying where he was right now, thankful that Mark had taken pity on him and let him stay.

Thank god Mark had been in when he'd come here. What if he hadn't been in? Sebastian couldn't get that idea out of his head. What if Mark hadn't been here, hadn't answered the knock on his door and taken him in? What would he have done?

Nothing, probably. There would have been nothing for him to do but get back in his car and turn around; back to the airport; back to Heikki.

God, to think that right now he'd be back there if Mark hadn't opened that door. Sebastian didn't want to consider what might be happening right now if he'd had to go home again.

Seb had left his phone in his car. He didn't want to look at all the missed calls and text messages there were bound to be. He'd sent Heikki a brief text when he'd retrieved his bag, telling him he needed to stay on in England for work, but he knew that wouldn't satisfy him. He'd have calls, texts, voice-mails. Heikki would be furious with Seb for ignoring him. He was glad he'd left the phone in the car, if it was with him he wouldn't be able to help himself checking it, reading his texts, listening to the messages. Would he have answered the phone if it rang? He wasn't sure he was strong enough not to.

Heikki would be so angry now. Seb hated the way that even thinking about that unnerved him. He was so spineless, so fearful; it was pathetic. Just thinking about Heikki and he was crying.

The more he thought about it the worse it got, soon he was curled up in a ball sobbing.

It wasn't even better here. Now he'd told Christian there was no getting away from it. Things were going to get worse. Christian would insist on doing something. People were going to find out what a fraud Sebastian was.

Everything was spiralling out of control and Sebastian felt utterly helpless to stop it.

He was getting himself worked up into a panicked state and the more he tried to hold back, the worse he got. He was gasping for air between sobs, trying not to hyperventilate. He hauled himself up, sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to slow his breathing down, shaking uncontrollably.

Sebastian wondered if Mark could hear him next door. What would he think of him? He must think him such a pitiful excuse for a man. He was nothing like a man, not like Mark was. Mark was so strong.

Seb felt some of that strength feed into him whenever he was close. He'd never have managed to speak to Christian earlier without Mark holding his hand. He felt safe with Mark.

He wished he was here now. He'd feel better with Mark there; he could shut out his fears and calm down, maybe even get some sleep. He wished Mark had let him stay asleep on the sofa with him sat there, that would have been better.

Mark was in the next room just a wall separating them, but it wasn't the same as him being right there. Seb had a terrible urge to get up and go in there. He knew he couldn't do that, it was a crazy idea, but he desperately wanted to.

He spent five minutes sat on the very edge of the bed talking himself out of doing just that.

 

 

 

Mark awoke, thinking he'd heard a noise, but there was nothing. He turned over, trying to go back to sleep. Then he heard the noise again; a tap at the door. He hadn't imagined it. It had to be Seb.

He suppressed a groan, wondering what he could want at this time and sat up.

“Mmmh, yeah?”

Nothing.

“Seb?”

Sebastian didn't dare open the door. He was just on the point of fleeing when the door opened and Mark was stood there, looking half-asleep.

 

Oh hell, thought Mark. Even in half-light from the bedside lamp he could see the state Sebastian was in.

“I, umm, I'm sorry...” Sebastian's voice broke. “I'm sorry...” he couldn't think what to say.

 

He tried not to cry.

He failed.

 

“It's okay, come on.” Mark's voice sounded gruff and sleepy.

He pulled Seb into his arms and Sebastian sagged into him, letting go a flood of tears again.

Mark walked him back into the room and sat him on the bed sliding an arm around him, letting Seb sink his head onto his shoulder. He tried not to let Sebastian hear him sigh. They were back where they'd been before. He should have known better just to let Seb go to bed without talking some more, he'd known full well he wasn't alright. He'd gone and worked himself up into a mess again.

 

“Ach _Seb_ , come on mate, it's okay.” He squeezed him softly, “it's okay...”

He let Sebastian cry until he subsided into little snivels.

“That's right mate, just wipe your nose on my t-shirt,” he tried joking.

He gave Seb another little hug to try and cheer him up a tiny bit.

“Do you want to talk about things?” he offered quietly.

Sebastian shook his head. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to think. He just wanted it all to go away.

They sat there for a while; Seb leaning up against Mark.

Eventually Mark moved away.

“Can I get you something? Do you need a drink, or anything?”

Seb shook his head again.

“You sure you don't want to talk?

“No.” 

Sebastian paused before saying what he really wanted; “Can I stay?”

“Here?”

“Yeah,” said Seb tentatively, avoiding looking at Mark, hoping he wouldn't react badly and chuck him out.

Mark was thrown; this was probably a really bad idea.

 

He moved away and got back into bed.

“Come on then.”

Sebastian hesitated for a brief moment before pulling at the corner of the duvet and sliding into the bed.

He lay there very still, not looking at Mark, making sure he wasn't touching him.

Mark turned slightly, “It's okay, just try to get to sleep.”

He turned back and switched off the light.

At least if he was here, he knew Seb was okay. Or not. Either way at least he knew.

 

Seb was still. Mark shifted up slightly to look at him in the not-quite dark.

Sebastian was breathing steadily, he looked asleep already, he'd probably worn himself out getting so upset over and over. At least he was asleep now.

Seb asleep in his bed.

This was probably a monumentally bad idea.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be a bit of a dramatic pause here I'm afraid as I'm away for a bit, sorry, only a week or so.


	7. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It really had been a monumentally bad idea. 
> 
> Sometimes kindness can hurt just as much.

 

Mark woke before it was light. For a moment everything was normal; he was in his bed at home, nothing unusual, but before he'd even had chance to open his eyes, he remembered.

It hit him like a tonne of bricks: Nothing was normal, Seb had turned up on his doorstep yesterday and just about turned his life upside down.

 _Seb._ Mark shifted ever so carefully. Seb who was _in his bed_. Asleep in his bed right now. _Bloody hell!_

He managed to sit up without disturbing the mattress too much. The room was dark, but the beginnings of dawn were creeping around the edges of the curtains and in the half-light Mark looked down at a sleeping Sebastian. He was curled up in a ball on his side, his back to Mark.

He looked so peaceful like that; breathing steadily, his chest rising and falling; his eyes closed, the black-eye still horribly obvious. Mark noticed how long his eye-lashes were; the tips tinted blonde like his hair. They fluttered slightly and Mark thought he might have woken him by moving but Sebastian didn't stir. He must be dreaming, thought Mark. He hoped it was a good dream, he suspected Seb endured far too many bad dreams, even when he was awake.

Mark hadn't felt him move much in his sleep, but he must have done to shift into this position. Seb looked so small like this. Mark felt a pang of protectiveness towards him. Thank god he'd come here. It must have taken a lot of courage to make that step. Thank god he'd been in when he knocked on his door. Mark didn't want to think about what would have happened if he hadn't been there for Seb yesterday.

Seb moved a little in his sleep and murmured something, but Mark couldn't catch what he said. He was curled up so tightly on himself that Seb's head was almost entirely off the pillow and resting on the mattress. It didn't look very comfortable to Mark, but he wasn't about to wake him. Seb's blonde hair was all mussed and sticking up randomly. It looked soft. Mark wanted to reach out and smooth it back into place. He wondered if it felt as soft as it looked. An image of himself stroking that soft blonde hair crept into his mind unbidden, an image of him leaning down and very carefully kissing Sebastian's head without waking him...

 

Wow. Okay. _**Wow**_.  Where the hell did that come from?

Mark nearly threw himself out of the bed.

He stumbled out of the room, taking only enough time to notice Sebastian move in his sleep and mumble again, but still not wake.

 

Mark stood on the landing for a moment before heading into the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror and then splashed his face with water trying to gather himself.

Okay that didn't really mean anything. He was just confused by waking up with a guy in his bed (and damn, hadn't _that_   been a while), and he was mixing up affection with concern and besides he wasn't really properly awake yet. His brain wasn't functioning properly. It didn't mean anything at all other than an urge to look after Seb. And there was nothing wrong with that, right? Seb needed looking after now.

Damnit, he should never have let him sleep in his bed. He'd known it was a bad idea, but Seb had looked so peaceful and safe sleeping there, it was the most peaceful he'd seen him, and last night when he'd come to him he'd been in such a state. He'd never have managed to sleep on his own last night, he'd needed Mark.

Mark let out a long breath and stretched out the muscles in his face, widened his eyes and tried to prove to himself that now he was properly awake and therefore nothing before this point counted.

He cleaned his teeth and headed downstairs to make coffee.

 

He sipped his coffee leaning against the counter in the kitchen and thought a little more rationally. They probably had a lot to deal with today. Christian would be coming back over and they were going to have to make plans to try to sort Seb out. His brain getting a little confuddled before he properly woke up was really the least of his concerns, so he buried that strange little moment and moved back into his familiar early morning routine; finished his coffee; fed the dogs; time for a run.

 

He headed back upstairs and quietly retrieved his running kit from a drawer, changing in the bathroom. It felt strange doing that but Sebastian might get a rather rude awaking if the first thing he saw was a half naked Mark in front of him. He laughed at that idea, bloody hell, he wasn't sure he could take his life getting any stranger right now.

He was about to head downstairs when he thought about Seb waking up in a unfamiliar place and wondering where on earth Mark was, so he went back into the bedroom. Sebastian was still fast asleep and Mark came close to leaving him there, but thinking better of it he dipped down beside him and gently shook his arm.

“Seb?” he whispered.

“Hmphh,” mumbled Sebastian, sleepily pushing Mark's hand away.

Mark grinned, “Hey sleepyhead, I'm going for a run. Do you want to come?”

He was pretty sure the answer would be no.

Sebastian rubbed his eyes, stopping abruptly when his consciousness registered how much his left eye hurt when he did that.

“Hey,” tried Mark again, “Sleep okay?”

Seb nodded, eyes opening wide at Mark, clearly recalling where he was.

“I'm gonna go for a run, don't suppose you want to come?” Mark repeated.

“Oh, hmm, I don't think so. I don't have my stuff.”

Good point, thought Mark. Probably not a great idea in his state anyway.

“Okay, well I won't be long. Just help yourself to anything you need in the bathroom or in the kitchen or whatever.”

“Right” replied Seb sitting himself up.

This was weird. Definitely weird, but a hell of a lot better than the alternative. He tried to forget about how he'd embarrassed himself by throwing himself at Mark last night. Mark was acting normal, he could do the same.

 

Mark left him to it and set off on a nice long run in the cold morning air. It wasn't quite light yet, but there were plenty of cars about on the lanes, more than one going rather too close despite his fluorescent running top.

Running was the best thing to clear the head. Christian would come round this morning and he was bound to have a plan. Mark's job would be to help Sebastian feel secure and make sure Christian didn't push him too hard. He could do that much.

 

He walked back into the kitchen to find Seb showered and sat at the table with towel-dried hair drinking coffee.

“Umm, I hope it's okay...”

“Of course,” interrupted Mark “I said help yourself. Make yourself at home Seb, really. Is there more coffee for me?”

“Yeah, on the side. Your phone rang a couple of times. I didn't want to answer it.”

“Oh, right,” Mark realised he'd left his phone on the table since last night.

Three missed calls from Christian. It was only 7.30am, he didn't waste any time.

 

Mark took the phone and stepped out into the hall to call Christian back.

 

“Hey. Okay so Christian wants to come over in a bit for a chat about things.”

He hadn't gone in to detail on the phone, but he'd sounded fairly positive, so that had to be good.

“I'd better go grab a shower. There's bread if you want toast, or cereal, just help yourself.”

 

Christian arrived not long after 8am. He really didn't waste any time thought Mark. Poor guy actually had a job to do as well.

They settled themselves around the kitchen table with more coffee. The dogs wending their way around their feet under the table.

“So, Seb. How're you doing? Okay?” asked Christian, trying not to sound too serious. “All alright staying here?” he vaguely asked both of them.

“Sure,” said Seb while Mark nodded. Neither one likely to bring up what had happened during the night.

“Okay, good. Well I'm glad to hear it. Thank you Mark.”

Mark nodded recognition, although he didn't need thanks, anything other than offering to have Sebastian stay here would never have occurred to him.

“So I've been going over a few things. Options I guess.”

Sebastian looked nervous.

“I haven't _done_ anything, naturally Seb, okay. You don't need to worry.”

“You haven't spoken to anyone else?” Sebastian felt the anxiety rising inside him. He wanted to move his chair closer to Mark's but it would have been too obvious.

“No I haven't, but I think we may need to.” Christian said it as softly as possible, but he could see Sebastian tensing up before him.

“Please Christian.” Sebastian hated how childish he sounded.

“Who are you thinking of?” asked Mark, trying to narrow things down. Maybe specific people might be less intimidating to Sebastian than the general idea of 'other people' getting involved.

“Well, for starters, I know you don't want this, but I really think Doctor Phillips needs to look you over Seb.”

Sebastian looked down at the dogs who had gathered by his feet. He didn't want anyone else to see what Heikki had done. It would be okay, it would heal on its own. It always did.

“Seb I'm worried you could have some real damage to your eye, or you could have internal bleeding, it could be important. Would it be better just to go to a local casualty department?”

“What? No!” Jesus, that was so much worse.

“Seb,” Mark turned to him, “maybe Christian is right. What if you've really hurt your eye, or whatever, you can't afford to ignore that. You can't have problems with your sight for driving.”

Seb looked at him feeling as though he was being ganged up on. Mark was supposed to be on his side. He was terrified of more people learning about what had been going on, but the idea that his driving could be affected was even worse.

“A doctor has a duty to keep things confidential Seb. He wont say anything to anyone, he could lose his job. And besides he's a good guy, he wouldn't do that.”

 

Simba was rubbing up against Sebastian's leg, it was a soothing sensation. Sebastian looked up at Christian. He really didn't have any choice.

“I guess, alright,” he said quietly, trying to make clear how unhappy he was at the idea.

“Okay. Good. It's for the best Seb, you don't need to worry, I promise.” Christian was trying to sound as calm and certain as he could. He knew he was going to have to make Sebastian do things he didn't want to, but it really was for the best.

“It'll be alright Seb,” reassured Mark.

“I'm going into the factory after this and I'll talk to him, then we can come back over this afternoon, if that works?” Christian was looking at both Sebastian and Mark.

“Sure” answered Mark. Seb merely nodded, looking unhappy.

 

Okay. One down thought Christian.

“Good. I know this isn't easy Seb, but I promise you I'm just trying to help.”

“I know,” conceded Sebastian, trying not to sound as defeated as he felt. Maybe he should just let Christian do whatever he thought was right. He could trust him, couldn't he?

 

“Right then,” pressed Christian, trying to keep this business. “Regarding Heikki's contract.”

Sebastian positively bristled at the mention of his name.

Christian ploughed on. “I wasn't sure either, but in one of those complicated ways of F1 teams, it turns out _you_ actually employ him, so you actually have to sack him, not the team.

Seb felt sick at the reminder of what had happened when he'd tried that. He pressed his nails into his hand to try to distract himself from the memories.

“I can't,” he blurted.

“It's okay,” calmed Mark, his hand slid across to rest on Seb's arm. “Christian, you can't expect him to do that. It's too much.”

“I don't mean in person, no of course not. I'm pretty sure you can just send an official letter. We can ask the legal team.”

“What?!” Sebastian pushed back his chair going to stand up. “Legal team?! What have you done?”

“Nothing, _nothing_ Sebby, okay I haven't _done_ anything yet, alright. Calm down.”

Mark gently pulled Sebastian's arm to sit him back down.

“I'm just saying that we need to do this right, so Heikki has no point of recall. The team lawyers can handle it, keep it quiet, no need for any fuss.”

Sebastian still looked unconvinced. His heart was racing.

“Lawyers have to abide by confidentiality rules too Seb. They can't speak out about it even if they wanted to.”

Seb felt like things were getting worse and worse, more and more people getting involved, even if they did have to keep things confidential, they'd still _know_. He hated the idea of anyone else knowing. But the idea that a bit of paper could get rid of Heikki for good was infinitely better than having to face him in person ever again.

“Speaking of the lawyers.” Christian continued, hoping he might be on a roll. “I don't know what you think about a restraining order? In the circumstances it might be wise.”

Sebastian just nodded blankly. If the lawyers already knew, how could one more thing make things worse.

“Great,” said Christian trying not to sound too happy that this had actually gone more easily than he'd anticipated. “I'll head back and get things in motion. Don't worry, I'll be crystal clear about the need to keep this private and I wont disclose anything more than strictly necessary. Alright?”

Sebastian merely nodded once more. It felt like things were totally out of his control now. Any one of those people could decide to say something they shouldn't and his life would be ruined. Even more than it was already that was.

 

“The other thing, well, I take it you don't want to go back to Switzerland any time soon?”

“Not really.” answered Seb.

“You can stay as long as you need to,” interjected Mark, guessing where this was going.

Things might be complicated with Seb staying at his home, but it was better than him being anywhere else.

“You're sure?” asked Sebastian trying not to sound too needy.

He still didn't want to ask how long that meant.

“Absolutely.”

Mark always seemed so solid, so dependable. He hadn't objected to anything Christian had said. It must be okay. Seb felt as though he was putting his life in their hands. He had no choice but to trust they were doing the right thing.

 

Christian headed off back to Milton Keynes leaving Sebastian and Mark alone again.

Mark decided that the best thing was not to allow Seb time to brood and so persuaded him to accompany him walking the dogs. That killed an hour or two, then back at the house they spent some time digging out some clothes for Seb to borrow, Mark joking that he'd just have to roll the cuffs up. Once he'd made and they'd eaten some lunch Mark had distracted them long enough that Christian and Doc Phillips should be due.

 

Christian had had a pretty unpleasant morning finding a way to talk to the team lawyers, impressing upon them both the seriousness of the situation and his zero tolerance for any word of it getting out, without going into too much detail of what had actually happened.

 

Dr. Phillips had been a rather more difficult matter. He couldn't gloss over the details with him if he was to properly assess Sebastian's condition. Christian was also hoping he might be able to make some recommendations of what help they should get him. It was hardly his field of expertise, but Christian thought he might at least have some contacts.

On learning what had been going on when he was supposed to be in a position of care, the doctor offered his resignation on the spot, horrified he could have overlooked something so serious, having missed all the signs that had been right in front of him.

Deep down Christian found it pretty hard not to blame Dr. Phillips as well, but he'd been just as remiss in paying attention to what was going on, he'd seen injuries as plainly as the doctor had and turned a blind eye. They all had. They were all to blame. He told him that there was no point in recriminations, that they all shared responsibility and if he wanted to make amends then he should join Christian in trying to help Sebastian. He realised without even raising the matter that Dr. Phillips needed no instruction to keep the matter confidential, but he reaffirmed it anyway. He wanted to be able to tell Sebastian that things were entirely clear on that score.

 

 

The afternoon was about as awful as they'd all imagined it would be. Christian had driven Doc Phillips to Mark's in silence, neither one capable of coming up with any small talk. Once there little more conversation was held before the doctor had followed Sebastian up to what was theoretically his bedroom to examine him, leaving Mark and Christian sat around drinking yet more coffee in the kitchen.

After not too long the doctor reappeared downstairs. He'd tried not to betray the shock he'd felt to Sebastian, but when Mark offered him a drink he seriously considered asking for something a little stronger than tea or coffee.

“Okay Doc?” asked Christian.

“Not especially,” he admitted.

“So?” prompted Christian.

“So we should wait for Seb,” insisted Mark.

 

Mark fussed around making tea whilst they waited for Sebastian to join them.

 

Dr. Phillips waited while Seb sat down and then took a decisive huff of breath.

“You're sure?” he asked Sebastian.

Seb nodded. Clearly they'd discussed this upstairs.

“Okay, well normally I wouldn't disclose non-racing medical information, but as Sebastian has consented...”

The doctor went on to innumerate the injuries that Sebastian had suffered. Numerous though they were, he assured them that although they looked bad, they were largely superficial. Even the bruise to his stomach wasn't quite as severe as it appeared. His eye he confirmed, should heal reasonably quickly, the black eye looked worse than it was and luckily there was no indication of underlying fracture and although bloodshot, the eye itself was fundamentally fine. His advice was rest and painkillers. Seeing as it was too late to apply ice to lessen the swelling by this stage, there wasn't a lot more he could do other than come back in a few days to check up on him.

 

It was awkward sitting around discussing Sebastian when he was right there with them, but at least what the doctor had to say was largely reassuring.

It was Christian who raised the point of what they ought to do next.

“Don't you think he should talk to someone about all this?” he asked Dr. Phillips.

Sebastian by this point would have been happier crawling under the table and sitting with the dogs, but he forced himself to stay with the conversation.

“Yes, but I don't think that's me. It's really not my area.” 

“Could you help find someone?” asked Christian.

Sebastian turned and stroked Shadow's neck as he stood by him.

“Seb?” Mark could see him disengaging. He understood, but if it was about him, Sebastian really ought to be the one making these decisions.

“What?” Seb asked.

“How do you feel about that?” Mark encouraged.

“About what?” He'd really stopped listening once he'd agreed to the doctor sharing his medical information.

“About talking to someone about all this, a specialist, I don't know, maybe a therapist?” explained Christian.

Sebastian turned back to the dogs. He didn't want to think about that.

“I don't really want to talk to anyone,” he admitted quietly.

“You don't have to decide now. You could just make some enquiries couldn't you?” Christian addressed the doctor, who agreed.

“I'm sure I can find out without sharing any specifics, Seb,” reassured the doctor.

“Okay,” Sebastian conceded.

“Okay. Look, that'll do for now wont it?” said Mark, sensing how uncomfortable Sebastian was.

Every time a new person got involved Seb felt less and less secure. It was more than enough for now.

“Sure, okay. Well we'll go.”

 

Christian looked over at the doctor who started to get up from his chair.

“I'll give you a ring in the morning, I may need to come over, there may be some paperwork ready to sign.”

Seb dragged his attention away from the dogs by him and nodded back at Christian.

“I tried calling your phone this morning Seb, you didn't answer. Have you still got it?”

“Oh,” Sebastian hadn't thought of that, “Umm, it's in the car. I didn't want to...” he trailed off.

He didn't want to admit that he was hiding from Heikki.

Somehow Christian guessed; “I'll sort you out another phone. The car is fine to hang onto, it's just from the pool. I can contact Mark for now.”

Sebastian suddenly felt hugely grateful to Christian, he was taking care of everything just as he'd prayed he would. He looked up at him.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.” Christian patted his shoulder. “Oh, I brought all the kit I could find in your locker at the gym, I thought it might be useful, hang on...”

He fetched a bag from the car and brought it back in while Doctor Phillips reminded him to take it easy. Sebastian mumbled “sure,” and the doctor found himself automatically referring to Mark to emphasise his point, who nodded his understanding.

 

 

It was only after they'd gone that Mark truly understood what a strain all this was on Sebastian. He'd thought things had been going fairly smoothly and Seb was handling things, but shortly afterwards Sebastian had disappeared off to the bathroom and didn't re-emerge for a full half hour.

By the time he came back down Mark had started to seek out food to make their evening meal. Seb didn't look too bad, and Mark wasn't sure whether it was better to carry on regardless or ask him to talk about things.

Sod it he thought, better to say the wrong thing than nothing.

“You alright mate?”

Seb sank into one of the kitchen chairs. He shrugged.

Mark was having to become an expert in translating what Sebastian's shrugs meant. He was pretty sure this one meant; 'No. not at all'.

He left off the food he was sorting out and sat beside Seb.

“What are you worrying about?”

Sebastian gave a dry huff that might have passed for an ironic laugh.

“Everything.”

“Right.” Of course.

Seb picked at the skin around his nails. “It just seems like more and more people...” he left off.

“I know mate, I know. But they're only going to help. They wont say anything.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because it's their job _not_   to. Because they're a part of the team and that means something.” Because I'm praying they don't, finished Mark in his head.

Any one of them could open their big mouth to a partner, to someone else in the team, to someone in another team, and before they knew it a juicy little piece of gossip would be spread all around the paddock and then all around the world and Sebastian's worst nightmares would come true. But what good would admitting that to Sebastian do. He was fragile enough, feeding his fears could push him over the edge. It was Mark's role to do the opposite, even if that meant a little bit of denial.

“They wont say anything mate, you don't need to worry, okay?” He rubbed Seb's arm reassuringly.

Seb just gave another of his myriad of nods. If Mark believed that to be true, maybe Sebastian was being silly and worrying unnecessarily.

 

The rest of the night was spent following as much of Mark's routine as possible: Food; walking the dogs; watching a bit of TV; then bed.

Routine was easy, it didn't require too much thought, or too much conversation.

Mark tried to get him to talk a little more when they were sat on the sofa, but he didn't get very far. He could see Seb disappearing further into himself the later it got. He wished he knew what were the right words to say to help, he felt like he was blundering around in the dark. Christian's suggestion of seeing a therapist was probably bang on the money, but it was too soon for that. Seb wasn't ready to open up to a stranger.

“You can tell me anything you know,” Mark tried.

Sebastian had curled his feet up onto the sofa. There was so much he could tell Mark, but he didn't know where to start. Maybe it was better just to shut it out. Here in Mark's house it almost seemed unreal. Maybe he could move on and just forget about it, pretend it had never happened.

“I'm just tired,” excused Sebastian. It was a cop-out and he knew it, but he genuinely was tired. It seemed like he felt tired all the time at the moment.

 

Mark went to bed feeling like he'd failed again. He hated seeing how withdrawn Seb was. He was going along with everything that Christian suggested, but he wasn't sure that Sebastian was really actively taking any of these decisions for himself. Christian just seemed happy that he wasn't putting up too much of a fight, but that very fact worried Mark.

He sat awake for a bit before finally settling down. Maybe it'd get a bit better tomorrow as Seb felt more settled staying here. Christian might have some firm answers from the legal team that might be reassuring. Maybe.

 

He'd barely closed his eyes when he heard a definite tap on the door.

Right. Seb, of course.

“Seb?”

The door opened to reveal Sebastian stood there looking sheepish. He leaned against the door frame, failing to make eye-contact as Mark sat up a little.

“I can't sleep.”

Of course not. Bloody hell, it was like having a child. How was he supposed to turn him away when he looked so pathetic?

“Do you want to come in for a bit?”

It was all the invitation Seb needed, and whilst it wasn't entirely what Mark had intended, he wasn't really surprised when he slid into bed next to him.

Right.

Mark was pretty sure this wasn't the deal he'd thought he was signing up to when he'd suggested Seb stay with him.

 

 

 

 

Mark woke up long before dawn this time. The room was pitch black, but he could feel Sebastian's head resting alongside the top of his arm.

Well that was just great. As if things weren't complicated enough, Sebastian had apparently decided that the only place he could sleep soundly was with Mark.

Mark stared at the ceiling. Seb sleeping soundly seemed to mean Mark not getting any sleep at all. Just _great._

He didn't think he could even turn to see the clock without disturbing Sebastian.

Fuck it, he thought. He closed his eyes and resolutely ignored how awkward this might be in the morning; he was going back to sleep.

 

When he woke again dawn had been and gone and there was light pouring into the room. Sebastian had repositioned himself slightly further away from Mark in the intervening hours. Mark thanked the Lord for small mercies and carefully got out of bed.

This wasn't normal, but he could act like it was. He was going to go for a run. That was normal.

He was about to grab his stuff and head out of the room when Sebastian stirred and sat up slightly.

“Hey,” he said sleepily.

“Hey,” said Mark as casually as he could manage. “I'm going for a run. Do you want to come along?”

“Sure, okay. Christian brought my stuff.”

That took Mark by surprise, but before he knew it Seb was clambering out of bed and heading to 'his' room to change, so Mark did the same.

 

The day passed off reasonably well. Mark took things easy on the run, not going too hard or too far, heeding the doctor's advice about Seb taking things easy for a while.

They stuck to the routine of food, dog walking, keeping busy.

 

Christian appeared before midday with paperwork for Sebastian to sign.

He had to be persuaded to read things properly before signing them automatically: Official notice of termination of employment to Heikki; Legal documents applying for a restraining order; More documents applying for a confidentiality notice, which Christian explained was basically a gagging order preventing Heikki from talking.

“You should understand you'll effectively be paying him off, Seb. I know that seems wrong in the circumstances, but it's the quickest way to get this over with.”

Sebastian really didn't care about the money. There was a small part of him that didn't like the idea that Heikki was winning out here, but all he really cared about was getting this over with.

It was all relatively painless.

Christian changed the subject and asked him if he would be up to spending some time in the sim next week and Sebastian agreed.

“Only if you get the sign off from Doctor Phillips, of course,” qualified Christian.

Seb wanted to get back to work though. Work was normal, he could do with some normality.

 

 

In the evening Mark tried again to broach the difficult topics he knew Sebastian was avoiding.

They were sat in what had quickly become their customary positions on the main sofa in front of the TV; Sebastian curled up on the left, Mark to the right.

“Do you want a beer?” asked Mark. (If all else fails, try a drink, he thought wryly).

“Sure,” replied Seb, not wishing to be rude.

 

He didn't feel much effect of the alcohol, but it was a companionable activity and Sebastian did feel a little more relaxed.

“I meant what I said,” prompted Mark, “you can tell me anything. Anything you want to talk about?”

Seb shrugged.

'Shrug No.34' thought Mark; Translation: 'Maybe give me a little push'?

“Even if it doesn't seem important,” cued Mark.

Seb took a cautious sip of the beer.

“I'm scared to look at my phone,” he confessed.

For a moment Mark wasn't quite sure what the significance of Seb's phone was, but of course it was Heikki. The phone was the conduit by which Heikki would be unleashing his frustration and anger at Sebastian. No wonder he didn't want to go anywhere near it.

“Christian said he'd get me another, but I don't know, there might be other stuff I need to check, maybe, I don't know, maybe my parents called and I missed them.”

Seb felt an awful tug at that idea. What a child he was to want to know if his parents had called to check up on him. They hardly ever even did that. They had no idea what was going on. He sniffed a bit, hating that he couldn't hide his weakness from Mark.

“Could you maybe look at it for me? Tomorrow I mean, not now,” he didn't want the phone coming inside the house tonight, “just in case there's anything important?”

“Of course. No problem.”

And when Mark said it so simply like that, it was no problem, it was nothing for Sebastian to worry about.

 

Sebastian turned to face Mark, pulling his knees up in front of him.

“I still don't really understand why you're being so nice to me? I used to think you hated me.”

“I never hated you Seb.”

Mark sounded a little sad. Their relationship as team-mates had been so messed up. Mark felt guilt about that; Sebastian could really have used a friend and Mark just couldn't see it.

“I never hated you,” he repeated, reaching out and resting a hand on Seb's knee and offering him a wry smile.

“You annoyed the hell out of me, I'll give you that. Turning up outta nowhere and blowing me out of the water. Bounding about the place being so damn young and keen all the time. You didn't even know what you were doing and it all seemed to work out for you. It wasn't fair, I'd been slogging away at this game for years and you just came in and scooped up all the goodies out from under my nose. It was annoying as hell. 2010 was supposed to be _my_   year.”

Yeah that still hurt.

“I'm sorry.”

Sebastian genuinely was sorry in that moment. Mark had deserved to be champion in 2010. It wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair.

“Don't be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. You did what you were supposed to do. You won. Never apologise for that Seb.”

“I've been so selfish. I never thought about you. I'm a horrible person.”

“You're not. You're not a bad person Seb. Don't think that way. Drivers have to be selfish. It's in our nature. If you weren't, you'd be a HRT driver rather than a RedBull one.”

“HRT aren't even on the grid any more,” corrected Seb.

“Precisely,” smiled Mark raising an eyebrow to emphasise the point.

“Oh.”

Seb tried to echo Mark's smile. He didn't know how Mark managed to still be funny even when he was serious.

“Last year really wasn't fair though,” admitted Sebastian. “You know Adrian designed the car around me. It was perfect, but only for me. You never stood a chance.”

“I knew that. It was still a bloody good car though mate. And I came close a few times. I'll take that.”

“But Malaysia...”

“Let's not go there shall we?” interrupted Mark.

 

Even for him that was still a tough topic.

 

“I'm sorry. I really am Mark. I screwed you over. I don't even know what I was thinking.”

He wanted Mark to understand or it was would always come between them.

“You were thinking about winning,” said Mark flatly.

“Yes, but... I don't know how to explain it. It was like I couldn't think. Like I wasn't thinking at all. I honestly don't remember hearing the radio calls.”

Mark went to interrupt, but Seb pressed on, “I know that sounds like bullshit. Just an excuse for behaving like a selfish little brat, but it's true, really Mark. I know it doesn't make it any better.”

His voice quavered. He desperately wanted Mark's forgiveness for his transgression.

“You got the red mist,” allowed Mark.

Even at the time he'd partially realised that, though it hadn't made accepting it any easier.

“I fucked up so badly. Everyone was so angry with me. I didn't understand until I got out of the car what I'd really done: I'd cheated you, I'd disobeyed the team. I'd made Christian look stupid. They'd done so much for me and I just flung it back in their faces.”

He was crying now. Stupid childish hot tears. He didn't want Mark to feel sorry for him. He had no right to that.

“I couldn't undo what I'd done, and I couldn't even apologise properly. You were so angry. You were right to be angry. In the podium room I thought you were going to take a swing at me.”

Mark sighed. That was the language Sebastian understood.

“I'd never do that Seb,” he said as softly as he could.

“I deserved it.”

“No.”

Mark didn't know how to make Sebastian understand.

“That's never okay. You don't deserve that. _No one_ deserves that.”

He gave Seb's knee a little squeeze and tried to duck into view as Sebastian head dropped.

“I had to go round the factory and apologise to every one of them. It was so fucking humiliating,” Seb spat. “I know I brought it on myself, but it was awful. Christian was angry and Adrian was just _disappointed_   and that was worse than anything anyone could've said.”

“We all make mistakes mate, it took guts to go to the factory and admit that.”

“Don't be nice Mark, not about this. I practically pushed you out of the team.”

“You didn't.”

“But you retired.”

“That was decided long before mate. I had that sewn up before we even got to Australia.”

“Oh.”

 

That did make Sebastian feel a tiny bit better. He hated the idea that he'd forced Mark into retirement when he still had so much to give.

Mark did have one question. Maybe now wasn't the time, but it had been bugging him since it happened.

“What I don't understand is; why did you apologise to me and then take it back?”

“What?” asked Seb, genuinely confused for a moment.

“You were like a bloody yo-yo mate, apologising, not apologising, saying you meant to do it. In China you gave that bloody press conference and told everyone I didn't deserve to win.”

 

That had hurt. More than the events of the race, that had truly hurt.

 

“I, I don't know. I'm sorry Mark, that was a terrible thing to say. I didn't mean it like that. It all came out wrong. I didn't mean you didn't deserve to win. The words just came out of my mouth and then couldn't take them back.”

“Why didn't you just say you got the red mist in the race and went all out for the win? I would have understood that. Everyone would have understood that. I might not like it, but I would have understood. That's what racing drivers are; what we do. We race to win. Even if things get a little...out of hand.”

Seb scrunched his eyes up tight.

“Why did you apologise and then undo it all? You just confused everyone and they didn't know what to make of it all, what to make of you.” 

Mark really couldn't understand Sebastian's behaviour. To him life was simple; you said what you thought, even if people didn't like it, you stuck your ground.

“I don't know. Because I was confused. Because I wanted to make things right and couldn't do it. And...”

He paused. Here was the awful thing he had to admit;

“My head was all over the place, and everyone just kept asking me, pushing me; the press, the team, everyone judging me...”

He looked at Mark feeling like he was ripping open his chest and letting him see all the dark _mess_   inside.

“I didn't want them to see me as weak. I didn't want them to know the truth.”

“And that's why you said I wasn't worth it. So you could claim you were worth more?”

“It was a terrible thing to say. Mark I'm sorry. I tried to make myself feel better by putting you down. I know that was wrong.”

“Did Heikki tell you to do that?” wondered Mark.

“No.”

Seb couldn't blame this on Heikki. This was all his own fault.

“It was me. It was... I don't know. My stupid fucked up way of trying to build myself up and act like I didn't care what the world thought, like I was the big man, the tough guy, some kind of ultimate racer.”

Sebastian gave a hollow little laugh, nothing could be further from the truth.

 

“It was wrong. I'm sorry.”

Mark sighed. He'd been so angry with Sebastian at the time, for a long while afterwards, but he couldn't be angry with him any more.

“I forgive you,” he said simply.

He meant it. What did any of that nonsense matter now?

 

Sebastian felt like he'd been stabbed. Mark forgave him. Just like that. How could he do that? How could he forgive him when Sebastian was such bad person, when he'd behaved so badly, and so stupidly? How could Mark be so good, so kind? He was such a better person than Seb was, a bigger person in every way.

Seb pulled his knees tighter into himself, it hurt his stomach, but that was good, he deserved to hurt. He gave a little gasp and let out a sob. He hid his head, he couldn't look at Mark. He didn't deserve his forgiveness, he didn't deserve his kindness, he didn't deserve anything.

Mark shifted across the sofa and sat himself up as close as he could to Sebastian.

“I forgive you Seb. It's okay.” he repeated firmly.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” Sebastian sobbed, he could hardly get the words out.

Mark put his arms around his whole body and pulled him in, Seb's knees and head crushed against his chest.

“I forgive you,” he whispered, his head resting against Sebastian's. “It's okay now. It's okay.”

He held Seb until he cried himself out. Stupid bloody kid. He punished himself far worse than anyone else ever could.

 

 

For the third night in a row Sebastian was crawling into his bed again and soon he was sleeping the sleep of the dead whilst Mark was left staring at the ceiling, wondering how he'd got himself tangled up in all this.

 

 

Mark woke at he didn't know what time, but it was still dark. He'd gone to sleep with Sebastian next to him, but now Seb had turned, leaning his body up against him, his head was resting on his shoulder, his arm flung across Mark's stomach. Mark hadn't even felt him move into this position while they were sleeping.

Shit. It was one thing giving him a hug when he was upset, but this was something else entirely. Mark wasn't even sure what it was, but he was pretty sure it was wrong.

Damn. What the hell was he supposed to do? Seb needed comfort right now, but this was going too far. It almost felt like he was taking advantage of Sebastian when he was so vulnerable. Mark didn't even know if it was him, or whether anyone would have done; just a shoulder to cry on. Someone could really exploit that. He hated that idea. Mark didn't want to abuse the trust Sebastian had placed in him.

What a mess. Mark was making such a mess of things, he had no idea what he was doing in all of this. He was trying to help but he might be making things worse.

He couldn't even move. He couldn't just shove Sebastian away, that would be a horrible thing to do to the poor kid. He couldn't just throw him out of his bed in the middle of the night, he was sure that would crush Seb. He couldn't be that cruel. There was nothing to be done but go back to sleep and try to ignore the very worst fact of all; Which was that Mark was comfortable like this, that he quite liked it, even though he knew it was wrong, he liked that Sebastian was there.

 

 

In the morning Mark woke to find Seb had shifted again; slightly further away now so his head was resting on the top of Mark's outstretched arm, rather than his shoulder. Seb's arm was still draped across Mark's stomach. Mark lay there for a while, seriously contemplating just chopping his arm off rather moving it and waking Seb. If he could just get up without waking him they could pretend this never happened.

As carefully as he knew how, he lifted Seb's arm up off his waist and deposited it back by his side. Sebastian didn't even stir. Then he slowly, slowly, turned sideways. Seb shifted a little and Mark froze, but he didn't wake. He tried again, Seb's head moved a little further along his arm. It was no use, he was going to have to move him. Mark slowly lifted himself up (he knew there had been a reason he'd worked on those abs). He painstakingly placed his right hand underneath Seb's head and raised it up off his arm, pulling it out from under him and then carefully rested his head back down again. Sebastian snuffled against the pillow. Mark allowed himself to look at him for just a moment, telling himself that he was checking he was still asleep, before slipping out of the bed and out of the room.

 

He locked himself in the bathroom and couldn't look at himself in the mirror. This had to end. Now.

 

 

Somehow they carried on as if nothing had happened. They went for a run, ate breakfast, walked the dogs. All the while though, Mark was thinking about what he ought to do. How he had to handle things.

 

He couldn't seem to find the right moment, but by mid-morning he knew he was in danger of ignoring the matter completely and before he knew it it would be night-time again and Seb would be in his bed again and he just couldn't let that continue. It wasn't right. It might be what Seb wanted right now, but he was in no state to be making proper judgements. It was up to Mark to take responsibility for things. He was going to have to hurt Sebastian to do the right thing.

He hated the idea of hurting him, but if he didn't do it now things would get so much worse.

He tried to ignore the obvious question of what it all really meant. Whether he actually liked Seb, or if he just felt sorry for him. Whether Seb really liked him or he just needed somebody right now and anyone would do. Either way didn't really matter. If there was actually something there between them then it couldn't come from this. Nothing good could come from such a place of hurt and confusion, it could never be real.

 

Sebastian was sat on the sofa watching some sport on the TV. It was a repeat but he didn't really care, he was comfortable.

Mark stood in the doorway watching him, steeling himself to go in there and hurt Seb, _to do the right thing,_  he hammered into his brain.

 

He walked in front of Sebastian and perched on the coffee table blocking his view of the television.

“Hey, I was watching that,” protested Seb.

“No you weren't. Besides I can tell you the result.”

Seb pouted.

Stop it, stop doing that, thought Mark, don't look at me like that.

Mark jumped off the cliff.

“We need to talk.”

“Not right now Mark, please?”

Seb was happy right now, why did Mark have to go back there?

“Not about that. About...” Christ almighty this was hard. “I think we're in danger of getting our wires crossed.”

Sebastian looked puzzled. A little frown creased between his eyebrows.

Mark carried on. He had to carry on.

“Seb, I'm sorry. But you have to sleep in your own bed from now on, okay?”

Sebastian knew he should have guessed, but it came as a blow nonetheless. Mark didn't want him in his bed. Of course he didn't. Seb had embarrassed him by flinging himself at him so shamelessly. Mark didn't want him.

Seb's face crumpled and Mark felt like a prize shit.

Mark reached out to take Seb's arm but he pulled it away.

“Seb, I'm sorry. Please don't take this the wrong way. It's just not a good idea. Not right now, okay. I don't want to hurt you.”

Seb stared determinedly at the floor. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why would he think Mark might like him? He'd ruined everything now. Oh god, where was he going to go if Mark didn't want him here? He felt like crying. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to let Mark see how much this hurt.

“I'm not throwing you out.” Mark clarified.

“You're not?” Seb was surprised.

“No of course not Seb. I wouldn't do that. You can stay here as long as you want to, as long as you need to. I meant that.”

He tried to sound warm, reassuring. He tried not to let Sebastian see how much this was hurting him to say.

“I'm not throwing you out of my house.”

“Just out of your bed,” joked Seb weakly.

“Yeah,” confirmed Mark, feeling horrible.

“Okay.”

Seb shifted uncomfortably, but managed to maintain something approximating composure. At least he wasn't out on the street. Mark still wanted him in his home.

 

“I'm just trying to do the right thing Seb,” the strain betrayed in Mark's voice.

“Nobody does the right thing,” said Sebastian distantly.

“I do. I'm trying. I'm trying to do the right thing.” Mark protested.

He shook his head and shifted further forward towards Sebastian, he could see him slipping away.

“You keep looking at me like I know what I'm doing here, and I haven't got a fucking clue mate.”

Mark tried to make eye contact to pull Seb back. He didn't want to lose the closeness they'd established. He had to hold on to him.

“Seb, please, I'm just trying to do what's for the best.” Mark pleaded.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment trying very hard to hold it together. Mark looked so pained. He was being unfair on Mark, expecting far too much from him.

“Okay?” tried Mark.

“Yes, okay.” It wasn't okay, but it was better than nothing.

“I'm trying to be your friend Seb. I'd like us to be friends.”

“Aren't we already friends?”

“I guess, yes, but if we're friends we have to be honest don't we?”

“Right. So this is you being honest?” It came out harsher than Sebastian meant it to.

“Yeah, mate it is. Can we do this do you think? Can we be friends?”

It sounded like such a pathetic plea.

 

Mark was sat in front of him asking to be his friend, offering to keep him in his home. Seb didn't deserve half as much.

 

Seb nodded.

 

He'd made Mark feel bad, he'd made him uncomfortable in his own home when he was being so kind, doing everything for him, Seb was being so ungrateful.

 

“Of course Mark. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...”

Seb wasn't quite sure how to say 'I'm sorry I forced my way into your bed and then made you feel bad about it'.

“It's fine, okay. Let's not worry about it. Let's just draw a line and move on. Can we do that?”

Seb pulled himself together. He had to try to be grown-up about this like Mark was.

“Yeah. I think we can. I'd really like it if we can be friends. Proper friends.”

“Okay. Good. Okay then.”

 

Mark felt a profound sense of relief. Maybe they really stood a chance here.

He stood up, then changed his mind and leant in to give Seb a hug. It didn't matter that Sebastian didn't really know what to do and just sat there being hugged feeling awkward. He didn't pull away. That was enough.

 

 

 

That night they didn't say anything when they both headed upstairs. Mark had left it as late as possible until he could see Sebastian's eyes drooping. Hopefully he'd be so tired he'd just drift off. They disappeared off into their separate rooms to bed.

 

Sebastian curled up in bed and pulled the duvet tight around him. He took the spare pillow and clung onto it as though he was five years old. He didn't cry.

 

Mark lay in bed staring at the ceiling in the dark. He sat up. Maybe he should just go check on Seb. Make sure he was okay? He sat on the edge of the bed for a while then got up and quietly walked out and stood outside Sebastian's door. He couldn't hear anything. He put his hand on the door handle and then removed it. He shook his head. He had to leave it. He had to. Mark going into Seb's room was just as bad as Seb going into his. It might be hard, but they had to do the right thing.

Mark climbed back into to bed and resumed staring at the ceiling. He really hoped Seb was okay. He was _doing the right thing_ he told himself over and over. Nothing else mattered. This way they at least stood a chance of being friends. That was something. _Friends_. Friends was something.

In the circumstances _friends_  was a lot.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really long chapter. Maybe it's really 2 chapters but this was being written in my head for a quite a long time while I couldn't write it down.
> 
> Dr Phillips is an invented person, sorry if that's lazy, but he's really just a cipher character.
> 
> Thanks to for Finsternis for some *actual* research regarding Heikki's contract details. I hope you don't mind that I used it to attempt a bit of accuracy.


	8. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is *pitch* dark. 
> 
> I didn't plan to write it like this, it just came out. It's pretty bleak and unpleasant so don't read it if you're going to be upset by the content. 
> 
> There were always going to be terrible roots to all Sebastian's misery and this is where it went. 
> 
> This is not a happy story.
> 
> You have been warned.

 

Though at one point it had seemed impossible, somehow or other things settled down.

Mark and Sebastian quickly fell into a routine existence; Going for runs; walking the dogs; eating meals; watching TV in the evening and sleeping in their own rooms without incident.

Mark found an old bike in the garage and adjusted it enough so that Seb could ride it, adding an additional activity to keep themselves busy.

 

Dr. Phillips passed Sebastian as fit to work properly once the bruising healed. Gradually the black eye faded and it was almost as if it had never happened. Seb spent time at the factory and it felt as though he was returning to normality, even if it was a different kind than he was used to. It was a better version of normality; a safer version, if a stranger one.

 

There were problems at the team though, Christian was very open about the realisation that the Renault engine (or 'power-train' as Sebastian absolutely never referred to it) was behind in development and at the end of the month they would be heading out to Jerez for testing without any real idea of how well it would work.

Sebastian alternated his lack of sleep worrying about Heikki and his own shortcomings with lying awake worrying about what difficulties the team were in with the new regulations. He couldn't help but fear that if he didn't have the right car beneath him all his inadequacies as a driver would be revealed. All those people saying how he'd only ever won anything because he had the best car might be about to be proved right.

 

Mark managed to get him to open up a little about his fears, tried to persuade Sebastian that no one won four world championships on the bounce _just_ because of a good car.

“You do actually have to be able to drive the thing, you know.”

Much as it pained Mark to admit it, there was no denying that Sebastian had come out on top of their time together as team-mates, and not all of that had been down to the team favouring him; Sebastian was a half-decent driver.

“Besides, you don't really know what it'll be like until you get in the damn thing. Up until then all this is theoretical, so what's the point in worrying about it?”

 

The way Mark put it seemed so rational. Every time they talked Sebastian came away feeling a little better, but it always seemed so hard to get started talking about things. He found it almost impossible to get onto the subject of Heikki, and Mark was loathe to bring him up when he knew how much it upset Seb.

 

Nothing more had been mentioned about Seb seeing a therapist. It was hardly in Mark's character to suggest such a thing, but he had to admit he was no expert and he didn't seem to be getting very far on his own. He worried that as Sebastian seemed to be doing okay Christian might have forgotten all about the idea and several times he was on the point of ringing him up about it, only to change his mind at the last minute. It wasn't really his place to insist on such things.

 

Ten days after Sebastian had turned up at his house, Mark realised he need to speak to Seb about the fact he had to go over to Stuttgart for meetings and preparations for the upcoming season with Porsche. When this had initially been planned over a month ago it had never occurred to him that he might have other responsibilities by this point, (because ridiculous as it still almost seemed to Mark, there was no denying that Seb was his responsibility now).

 

He wasn't sure why it should be so difficult, but it was.

He waited until after dinner when they were watching something on TV. (Seb's choice: A science documentary on BBC4).

 

“Listen, Seb, I probably should have mentioned this already, but I have to go away next week. I'm due at Porsche over in Germany for a few days prep.”

“Oh?” Sebastian tried not to show that it bothered him.

“I'll just be a couple of days. You'll be alright here wont you? I mean, you know where everything is and you can look after yourself.”

Sebastian wasn't sure what to say. Mark was assuming he was a permanent fixture in his house, which was nice, but he wasn't sure it was right. Maybe Mark was just being polite. Sebastian had previously avoided all discussion of how long he was staying here, which was hardly fair on Mark.

“The housekeeper has her own keys and everything, so you don't need to worry about that,” continued Mark.

“Mark.” Seb started hesitantly. “I don't have to stay here. You've been very kind and I really appreciate it, but I don't want to outstay my welcome.”

“What?” Mark frowned.

He hadn't even thought of Seb doing anything other than staying here for the foreseeable future.

“You haven't outstayed your welcome Seb. Don't be silly. It's fine.”

“You don't think it'd be weird me just living in your house when you're not even here?”

“I'm only going to be away for a couple of nights Seb. It's really no big deal.”

Mark wished he wasn't going anywhere. He didn't like the idea of leaving Seb and unsettling him, but there was no getting out of this trip.

“You're sure?”

“Of course.”

Sebastian settled back on the sofa and decided not to think too much about it, resuming watching his programme.

 

The following day however he started to feel more uneasy about it. Over dinner he raised the topic again.

“Look Mark. I feel weird about staying here when you're not.”

“Seb, don't worry about it, alright. It's just a few days.”

“Mark...”

“Look Seb, I'm sorry. I can't get out of it.”

Mark wasn't quite sure why he felt so guilty about going away. Sebastian was a grown man. He could look after himself.

“That isn't what I meant. I think maybe I should go home,” ventured Seb.

That came as a shock to Mark.

“Home? You mean Switzerland?”

“Yeah,” said Sebastian quietly.

He had to face up to this eventually.

“You're kidding?”

Mark couldn't believe it. He was going back. After all this time when he thought Sebastian was doing better and now he was talking about going _back?_

“ _Seb,_ you can't!”

 

It was Mark's turn to be gripped by anxiety. How could he even _think_ of going back? Switzerland meant Heikki surely? How could Seb be sitting there so calmly talking about going back after everything they'd been through?

 

“I can't run away for ever. I can't just hide here indefinitely.”

Mark saw no reason why he couldn't, but he stopped himself from saying so.

“It's my house. All my stuff's in it,” Seb finished lamely.

He had to man up and face going back there. He couldn't be a wimp all his life. He felt so much stronger since staying here. He could do this.

“And what about Heikki?” challenged Mark.

It was no good ignoring the elephant in the room.

“He wont be there,” countered Seb, trying to convince himself as much as Mark.

“But he lives nearby doesn't he?”

 

Just down the road in fact, but Sebastian didn't want to think about that. Maybe he wouldn't even be there any more. Since the official letters had been sent out by the team lawyers, the messages and calls to his phone had died off (or so Mark informed him. Seb had never gone back to using that phone). He was almost surprised there hadn't been more trouble from Heikki. Was there a part of him that was disappointed? Was he really that fucked-up?

Maybe the legal stuff had frightened him off? Mark had pointed out more than once that bullies were essentially cowards. Perhaps he was right.

 

“He wont know I'm there. I'm not going to see him, you don't need to worry.”

It was good of Mark to be so concerned but Seb had convinced himself it was all going to be fine.

“I'll hardly be there any time at all before we're off to Jerez for testing, and then we're in Bahrain.”

Heikki didn't even need to know he was back. Right?

“I just think it's a bad idea Seb.”

Mark wondered if he sounded too possessive. Did he have ulterior motives for wanting Sebastian to stay?

“I'll be okay,” assured Seb.

He was reasonably sure he wasn't trying to convince himself.

 

Mark spent the next two days trying to talk Sebastian out of going back, before eventually giving up and making him promise to stay in regular touch to let him know he was okay. He thought about calling Christian to get him to stop Seb, but that felt like a betrayal. He had to trust that Seb knew what he was doing. Maybe it was a good sign that Sebastian's confidence was improved. He had at least convinced Mark that he had no intention of going anywhere near Heikki.

 

The night before both of them left, Mark sat up late talking to Sebastian, trying to reassure himself. Sebastian insisted he'd be fine. That it was just a short stop to sort himself out so he was ready for the start of testing.

“Apart from anything else, I really do need to get all my kit and stuff ready to go. I can't go on living in your hand-me-downs forever.”

Mark actually kind of liked seeing Seb wearing his clothes most of the time, but that was one of the thoughts he filed away as inappropriate.

He'd run out of excuses and reasons to put Seb off so he gave up. He couldn't stop him and it would be wrong of him to do so, he'd done all he could.

 

 

 

The next morning they travelled to the airport together. When Sebastian was called to his gate Mark gave him a firm hug and tried to impart in it all the things he couldn't say. He watched him walk away feeling as helpless as he had back in Brazil when he had to watch Sebastian walk back to the lift and back to Heikki in that hotel room. He couldn't tell Seb, but it was killing him.

 

Seb's new phone beeped before he even took his seat:

MARK: 'Just drop me a text when you get there to let me know you're alright?'

Seb managed to fire off a reply before they were told to turn off all equipment.

SEB: 'Are you my dad now? ;) '

His phone beeped again, just as he was about to switch it off.

MARK: 'If I have to be.'

Sebastian smiled. It felt good that someone cared.

 

 

 

The minute Sebastian walked into his house he knew it was a mistake. The place practically reeked of bad memories.

He'd taken a round-about route to avoid driving past Heikki's house, but he felt his presence everywhere he turned.

He felt a hot panic overtake him as he walked into the lounge and thought about the scene that had occurred there only two weeks ago when he'd confronted Heikki. He felt sick. His skin was too tight and he was sweating.

He pulled off the coat Mark had lent him and the hoodie too and stood there holding onto the back of the sofa trying not to shake.

Shit, shit, shit. What had he been _thinking_ coming back here? It had all seemed so easy back at Mark's, but it hadn't been real. This was real. Too real.

 

He sat down on the sofa and tried to calm down. He did some deep breathing.

Mark always got him to do that when he got worked up.

It just about succeeded and Sebastian felt settled enough to go get himself a drink of water from the kitchen.

 

Everything was just as he'd left it. There was milk in the fridge that had gone off. He drained it down the sink trying to avoid the acrid smell. There was washing-up still in the sink that he'd abandoned.

It was all so strange. It was his, but it didn't feel that way. He felt as though he was wandering around a stranger's house. So much had happened since he'd left, Sebastian almost felt like another person.

He wasn't of course. He was still the same underneath. Why he'd managed to convince himself otherwise at Mark's was a mystery to him now.

With Mark there everything always seemed possible, but now he was on his own he felt weak and helpless again and he hated himself for being so pitifully reliant on Mark, all the while wishing he was right there.

 

His phoned beeped in his pocket making him jump.

Mark. Of course it was Mark. He was about the only person who knew this number apart from Christian and his parents (and they'd only sent a text message in acknowledgement that they had his new number).

MARK: 'Home yet?'

SEB: 'Yes. Just. Take it you've landed?'

 

Sebastian was tempted to ring him up, but he couldn't do that without giving away how unsettled he was being here. He didn't want to let Mark know he'd been right and Sebastian had made a mistake in coming back. He had to show him that he was strong enough to do this.

He stared at his phone waiting for a reply.

 

MARK: 'In huge taxi Q. Bloody freezing!'

 

Sebastian smiled. Despite Mark living in England for nearly twenty years, he was still an Aussie boy at heart and longed for warm weather.

Seb tried to think of a light-hearted reply.

 

MARK: 'Everything OK?'

SEB: 'Fine. Bit strange, but OK.'

Well _that_   was a lie.

MARK: 'In taxi. Call you later?'

SEB: 'Sure. Hope meetings go OK.'

 

Seb stared at his phone a little longer hoping for another reply, but none came. Mark was busy. That was fine. He was fine. He'd get himself together and by the time he spoke to Mark later on he'd be alright. It was just strange being here, that was all. He just needed to pull himself together.

 

He tried to find things to do to stop himself from thinking; He tidied the kitchen; made himself something to eat; made himself coffee. He sat himself down on the sofa in the lounge and watched some of the programmes he had on automatic record. He scrolled though the messages from Mark a few times, not really expecting another one while Mark was at work, but taking comfort from re-reading them.

 

It started to get dark outside and Sebastian realised he hadn't gone upstairs yet. He used the bathroom and then approached his bedroom with trepidation. He opened the door and took a step in before seeing something in the corner that made his heart stop.

Fuck. _Fuck,_ he couldn't do this. It was too much. He turned and fled down the stairs, missing a step and nearly going flying.

Once at the bottom he stopped, clinging onto the bannister trying to keep himself together.

It was too much. It was all too much. He'd been crazy coming back here. He wished with all his heart that he was back at Mark's right now. Even without Mark it would be okay. He'd have the dogs there. He wished they were with him right now, they always made him feel secure.

He looked at his hand; it was trembling.

He was such an idiot. Why hadn't he listened to Mark? Why had he convinced himself that this would be okay, that he was strong enough to do this?

 

He went back into the lounge where the TV was still blaring away. It seemed too loud, too invasive, so Seb turned it down, but not off; it was the nearest thing he had to company and it offered some scant comfort.

 

A few hours passed and Seb realised he was sitting in the dark. He stared at his phone wondering what time Mark would be done at Porsche and whether he'd be at his hotel by now; Whether he might call him soon.

He thought about calling Mark himself, but Mark had said he would call him and Seb didn't want to interrupt. Sebastian really had no idea what he was going to say to Mark when he did call. Would he pretend he was fine, or admit what a failure he was? To be honest, right now he didn't even care. He just wanted Mark to call.

 

But the call didn't come. He checked his watch; it was nearly 7pm. Surely Mark was at the hotel by now? Maybe they were getting some food if his team-mates were there?

Mark had new team-mates. That was a strange concept. Sebastian felt like he should be the only one who was Mark's team-mate; illogical as he knew that was.

Seb cooked himself some pasta and prodded it for a while sat at the kitchen table, waiting for Mark to call.

 

8.23pm. He still hadn't called. Sebastian washed up and went back into the lounge where the TV was still quietly playing.

 

He was just finding something else to watch when his phone beeped.

MARK: 'Mate, really sorry. Forgot my stupid fucking charger! Phone's gonna die any second. Someone'll have one at Porsche tmw & I'll call you then. Hope you're OK?'

 

Right. Okay. That was why he hadn't called. Why did Sebastian feel so low at that point? He'd probably only have lied to Mark anyway and told him he was alright.

He sent him a text in reply.

SEB: 'Don't worry. I'm fine. Speak tmw.'

 

He put the phone down next to him and swallowed hard. He wasn't going to cry just because Mark couldn't call him. How fucking tragic was that? He was getting scared by a stupid empty house. He could be stronger than that.

He found a programme to watch and concentrated too hard on it, giving himself a headache sitting there in the dark.

 

The programme finished and Sebastian checked the time: 10.40pm.

He was tired but he knew there was no chance he was going to be able to go and sleep in his bedroom tonight. The sofa would have to do. There was a blanket. He'd be okay here.

He got up and switched the main light on. He should probably check the doors were locked.

 

Sebastian got as far as putting his hand on the latch before he realised with absolute horror something he'd somehow inexplicably managed to entirely forget; _Heikki had keys_. He had keys for every lock to this house.

 

Seb stumbled backwards into the lounge frantically turning off the light and the television.

Oh god, what if he'd seen the lights? What if he'd been watching the house? He'd know he was there. He could just let himself in and... oh god, _oh god!_

 

Sebastian had a full meltdown; He couldn't breathe, he thought he was going to throw up or pass out. He was sweating and shaking and couldn't think straight. He found himself sat on the floor, leaning against the sofa, unable to get up or move somewhere more comfortable. He couldn't even reach up to get the glass of water on the table to drink to try to calm himself down. He couldn't even cry, he was too terrified.

He didn't know how much time had passed before he found himself bent forwards, his head dipped and his eyes half-closed, chest heaving as he panted for breath. He pulled his knees up and rested his head on them trying to regain himself.

Just breathe, just breathe slowly. He tried to hear Mark's voice in his head, calm and steady, soothing him, making him feel safe.

 

He wasn't safe though. He wasn't safe at all. Heikki could just let himself in at any moment. Maybe he did that all the time; just let himself into Sebastian's house and wandered around. Was that stupid idea? Why would he do that?

Seb tried to persuade himself that Heikki had no reason to be expecting Sebastian to be back here. He wasn't even sure if he could see the lights from his house. There was no way he was risking it and turning them back on though.

 

Eventually Seb found the energy to haul himself onto the sofa. He pulled the blanket around him and curled up.

He reached out to the glass of water and managed a sip before spilling half of it on the floor and abandoning it.

He clasped his phone. He thought about it for a moment and then dialled Mark's number. It went straight to voice-mail. The phone was dead. He couldn't reach him. Seb thought for half a second about calling Christian, but he couldn't do that.

He threw down his phone in frustration. There was no help. He was on his own. He just had to tough it out.

 

Sebastian spent the night like that; Curled up in the blanket on the sofa, listening intently for every sound that might warn him of Heikki's approach. But none came.

He woke in the morning with a stiff neck and a dry throat, feeling utterly wrung out and exhausted.

 

Light was streaming in through the window. Seb's watch told him it was 8.44am. He'd actually managed to sleep more than he'd thought.

Seb peeled himself off the sofa and traipsed upstairs to the bathroom. He needed a shower. His clothes were sticking to him and he felt terrible.

He had a banging headache so he dug around in the medicine cabinet and found some paracetamol.

He locked the bathroom door. It was the only lock in the house Heikki didn't have a key to.

Quite what Sebastian thought he would do if he locked it, only to step out after showering to find Heikki stood on the landing, he didn't know, but he locked it anyway. Logic wasn't his friend right now.

 

Seb took a shower so hot it almost scalded his skin. He wanted to wash the fear of the night away.

In the cold light of day things didn't seem quite as frightening, although Seb knew that Heikki was just as capable of letting himself in during the day as he was at night.

He felt sufficiently restored by the shower at least  to venture into his bedroom to find himself something to wear. Seb had got so used to wearing Mark's clothes that it was almost strange to have things that actually fitted him properly. He didn't enjoy being in that room though, so he headed back down. Realising how hungry he was he dug around in the kitchen for some food that would serve as breakfast and put his phone on charge so that at least it would be ready if Mark called.

He stared at the phone for a little bit before he had the first practical idea he'd had since getting here. He clicked on the wi-fi button and Googled an emergency locksmith.

 

 

The bright sunshine outside and the fact he'd taken a step towards fixing his own problems meant he was feeling more positive. The panic he'd succumbed to during the night started to seem like a hysterical overreaction. Surely the idea that Heikki was just going to let himself in on the off-chance Seb was there was remote, and if he'd seen the lights last night surely he'd have been here by now. Heikki might not even be living there any more, he might have moved back to Finland. He'd only been living here for his job and his job had been Sebastian, theoretically at least.

 

By the time Mark rang at little after eleven o'clock, Seb was feeling considerably better.

 

“Hey Seb. How're you doing? I'm so sorry about last night. My damn phone. I shouldn't have been fiddling with it all day. I only realised I'd left my charger at home when I got back to my room and it was too late.”

There was a pause.

“Seb?”

“Yeah, I'm okay, sorry.” It had taken him a moment to keep up.

“Are you okay though?” enquired Mark. “No sign of Heikki is there?”

He hadn't wanted to mention his name, but there was no avoiding it.

“No. No sign. I don't even know if he's around here any more.”

Sebastian was trying to sound more assured than he felt. It was nice to hear Mark's voice, but he was so far away.

“Well that's good I guess.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I umm, I...”

Hold it together, Seb thought, just hold it together. You can do this, you can have a conversation with Mark about this and not totally fall apart.

“Seb?” Mark sounded concerned.

Sebastian was useless at hiding how he felt from Mark.

“I...” Seb voice wobbled a little bit, “I just freaked out a little bit last night, when I remembered that he had keys to this place.”

“What?!”

At the other end of the call Mark had leapt to his feet.

“Fuck. Seb. He has _keys?_ Keys to your house? Jesus, you didn't tell me that. Christ!”

Seb bit his lip hard.

“I forgot. I really did Mark. I don't know how, but I completely forgot until I went to lock up and then I remembered and...” and then I fell apart like I always do, thought Sebastian.

“Shit, are you okay?”

“Nothing happened. I told you I don't even know if he's around.”

“Well... thank Christ for that, but still...”

Mark realised there was no point blaming Seb for this.

“Are you alright?”

How did he know, wondered Sebastian.

“I, umm, well I didn't get much sleep,” Seb admitted.

“No. I don't suppose you did.”

And neither would have Mark if he'd known.

“I called a locksmith first thing, they'll be here in a bit to change all the locks,” stated Seb, trying to convey to Mark that he wasn't entirely helpless.

“Right. Okay, good. Very sensible. Good.”

That was something at least.

 

“I don't like it here though,” slipped Sebastian, entirely undoing the impression of confidence he'd been working on.

“Oh Seb, what are you _doing?_ Why are you there? Why are you doing this to yourself?”

Mark wanted to reach out to him across the miles, although he wasn't completely sure if it was to hug Seb or to shake him.

Seb pinched the skin of his thigh through his jeans. He couldn't explain it. It had seemed such a positive step before he'd set out; proving that he was moving on, handling things like an adult, not relying on Mark. But now that he was here he couldn't imagine why he'd thought he could do this.

 

“Seb, just come home, okay?”

“You're not even there,” protested Sebastian weakly.

“That doesn't matter,” Mark sighed. “Look Seb, do you want to stay there? Once the locks have been fixed and everything, will you feel better?”

“No, not really,” admitted Sebastian.

“So just get whatever you need and get on the next flight back to England, okay?”

“I don't know...” Seb havered.

He did know really. He wished he'd never come back here. It didn't even matter if Heikki was a thousand miles away, he didn't want to be here.

“Seb just come home. I'll call Pauline.”

The housekeeper had a spare set of keys she could lend to Sebastian.

“She can meet you at the house and sort you out some keys and I'll be home in a couple of days.”

Sebastian thought he ought to protest a little bit, but he didn't have it in him.

 

“You're sure?”

“Yes. Get yourself sorted and come home. I'm sorry I can't get back any earlier. These team meetings are pretty important.”

“Of course, no, I wouldn't expect... I'll be fine. If you're really sure it's okay?”

“I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.”

And with Mark he could be certain of that.

“Alright then.” Seb felt so relieved.

“Just text me from the airport and tell me what time you expect to arrive and I can let Pauline know when to meet you.”

“Okay.”

“You gonna be alright in the meantime?”

“Yeah, I just have to wait for this guy and pack a case with my stuff. It'll just take a couple of hours.”

“Alright then,” Mark paused.

“Seb I'm so sorry I didn't call you last night.”

“It's fine. It's not your fault Mark.”

It wasn't fine, but it would be soon.

“You'll text me?”

“Yep. Thank you Mark.”

 

Seb felt like he was always needing to thank Mark; here he was rescuing him again. He'd never be able to express how grateful he was to him, what it meant.

“I'll see you when I get home then.”

Mark felt a warmth at that idea. He'd actually been dreading going back to an empty house after this trip.

“You can take the dogs out for their walks, save Pauline a job.”

“Sure.”

“Okay then. I'd better go, we're due back in.”

“Right. I'll see you soon I guess.”

“You will. I'll be back Sunday afternoon. Try not to burn the house down when you're cooking alright?”

That managed to raise a smile. Seb's exploits in Mark's kitchen hadn't been wildly successful so far, but he'd cope for a few days.

“I'll try not to.”

“I've really got to go. Take care of yourself, alright Seb.”

“Yeah. I'll be okay. Thanks again Mark.”

“Okay, bye then.”

Mark could see Brendon gesticulating at him down the corridor.

“Bye,” signed off Seb, feeling both a little hollow at cutting off the call and hugely relieved that this little nightmare would shortly be over.

 

Mark sighed. Jesus fucking Christ. Heikki had keys to Seb's house? He didn't even want to think what could have happened, how Sebastian must have got through last night. How had he ever let him go back there? At least he was going to be going back home now, where he was safe (where he belonged, a little part of his brain chimed). If Seb hadn't agreed to that, Mark wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't have just got in his hire car and gone and got him.

 

 

 

Sebastian arrived back at Mark's a little after six o'clock to find Pauline waiting for him to hand over a spare set of keys and two energetic dogs that needed walking. They bounded joyously about at the sight of Sebastian appearing in the hallway and Seb couldn't help but smile to see how happy they were to see him. He was equally glad to see them. Everything was okay now he was back, he could breathe properly again, he could stop worrying. He could last a couple of days with the dogs and then Mark would be home and everything would be back to normal.

 

It was only then that it occurred to Seb that he hadn't even noticed Mark referring to his house as 'home' to Sebastian. It did feel like home, even though it wasn't his. His place in Switzerland certainly wasn't home. Home was somewhere you felt safe. Maybe Mark's house wasn't really his home, but it was damn sight better than any alternative he had right now and it felt good being here.

 

 

 

Seb didn't hear Mark's car on the drive before the dogs were jumping up and sprinting into the hallway to greet him. Sebastian almost felt like doing the same thing. He stood in the lounge doorway watching Mark sling his bags down and fuss over the dogs as they leapt up and licked him all over.

“Daft things,” he grinned, looking up at Sebastian.

“Hey,” said Seb cautiously. He didn't want to seem too desperate.

“Hey.”

Mark gave him a warm smile and headed over to pull Sebastian into a hug. Seb slung his arms around his neck and hung on a little too long.

“I'm glad you're back.”

“Me too. Glad you're back that is,” emphasised Mark.

Sebastian tried not to show how pleased he was to hear him say that.

 

“Don't ever do that again you silly sod, alright? What did you think you were proving going back there?” He tried not to sound too accusatory.

 Sebastian shifted uncomfortably.

“I don't know. I thought it was okay, I thought _I_   was okay, until I got there. It was stupid.”

Mark felt bad for making Sebastian feel bad.

“Well, never mind. It doesn't matter now. How've you been? Managed alright here by yourself?”

“Of course. These guys took good care of me.”

Seb petted the dogs that were fussing around the pair of them. It was sort of a joke, and sort of wasn't.

“I've even started on dinner.”

Seb looked proud of himself.

“Really?” asked Mark raising his eyebrows. He sniffed the air. “Funny, I don't smell burning...”

Seb pouted in mock affront.

“Fine, get your own then!” but he couldn't stop himself grinning in return.

 

Once Mark had sorted himself out they ate Seb's quite passable dinner.

Mark wanted to ask Seb more about what had happened in Switzerland and what lay beneath it, but they were in such a good mood it seemed a shame to spoil it and instead they spent the evening talking about how Mark had got on with Porsche, what his new team-mates were like, how the car was shaping up and how different an LMP1 car was to an F1 car.

 

 

 

It wasn't until the following night that Mark decided to tackle the subject of what had gone on in Switzerland.

 

“How could you forget he had keys Seb?”

It wasn't fair to be cross with Sebastian over this matter, but Mark was annoyed that he'd put himself in such a potentially dangerous situation. He was even more annoyed with himself for letting Sebastian go in the first place when he'd known it was a bad idea.

“I don't know. I know it seems stupid. I think...” Seb was suddenly back there. “...I think I kind of blocked it out.”

He didn't want to talk about this.

That sounded ominous to Mark and he knew he should leave it, but he couldn't help himself.

“What do you mean you blocked it out?”

“He always had keys.”

 

Seb was very quiet. His breathing had become irregular.

 

Mark should definitely have left it. Stupid blundering fool. He should have left it.

 

“He _always_ had keys. For the hotels. The team just gave him a spare. I don't know why. I don't know if he asked them, or if they just thought it was a good idea...”

Seb's breathing was much too fast now. He couldn't stop himself. He wasn't sure if he wanted to tell Mark, if he needed to, or if he was just careering down a steep slope unable to stop himself.

“I couldn't say anything.”

“No,” confirmed Mark.

That was how Heikki had trapped Seb: He couldn't say anything. He couldn't do anything to defend himself without admitting what was going on. Heikki's best protector was Sebastian. The bastard had the perfect situation set up to do whatever he wanted.

“He always had keys,” repeated Seb.

He thought he had to tell Mark now or he never would.

“He could just let himself into my room. Whenever he wanted. Do whatever he wanted.”

“What?” Mark stopped.

 

Sebastian wasn't looking at him. That was always a bad sign.

He shouldn't ask. He should stop this now. He didn't know how to handle this at all.

“Seb it's okay, you don't have to...”

“He always had keys and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop him.” Sebastian's voice shook.

 

Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ _._ Mark hated where this was going. It was too late to turn back.

 

“I couldn't stop him. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't, I couldn't get away, I didn't even realise what was happening until it was too late. I didn't realise why he was in my room. I didn't do anything. He was too strong and I couldn't do anything.”

He was shaking badly now, but Mark was too shocked to reach out to him.

“It was my fault.”

“No!” Mark found his voice. “No Seb don't say that.”

Shit, he was shaking now too.

“It was. He knew you see.”

Seb looked up at Mark with such sadness.

“He knew I liked him. He knew I wanted him, and I'd been so stupid. I'd been flirting with him, encouraging him and then, and then afterwards he just said I couldn't do that kind of thing and then change my mind.”

“Fuck! Yes you can. Shit. _Seb._ Yes you can. Someone can't just...”

“Don't.” Sebastian couldn't bear to hear him say the words. “Don't. Please? Don't say it.”

 

“Seb.” Mark didn't know what to say.

Shouldn't he have guessed that there was something awful at the root of all this?

He hadn't though, he'd never imagined anything this terrible.

 

Mark finally reached out his hand to rest on Seb's arm.

Seb was trying to calm his breathing down. He hated Mark seeing him like this. He shouldn't have said anything, he hadn't meant to let this out. He was never going to tell anyone this.

 

“When did this happen?” Mark asked.

“I don't know. It's all mixed up in my head. All those hotel rooms look the same.”

And didn't that say something horrific about the regularity with which this happened, thought Mark.

 

“The next day we got the flight back with everyone and he just acted like nothing had happened and I found myself doing the same. I had bruises on my arms and no one even noticed.”

“Shit Seb. I'm so sorry.”

Mark had probably been on that flight and he hadn't paid any attention at all to Sebastian.

 

“I had nowhere to go. I couldn't tell anyone. He just acted like everything was normal and in the day, in public, everything _was_  normal and I started to think I was going mad, that it was me, that I had this all wrong. And it was okay for a while and I just got used to it. And then things got worse and he just started pushing me around even more and there was no one I could talk to. No one who could help me, because no one would ever understand how I'd let this happen. How I'd encouraged him and got myself in this situation. And things got worse and worse and there was no way out. Nothing I could do except accept things, and try to carry on as if it wasn't happening.

I just had to shut that side of things out and not let anyone see what was going on, not let anyone see the reality of things, how weak I was and how I let him use me up. And it was just so damn _tiring_ all the time pretending to everyone...”

 

Sebastian sank his face into his hands. He couldn't look at the pity in Mark's eyes now he knew the truth.

“Seb, I'm so sorry.”

Mark felt sick. He raised his hand to Sebastian's shoulder and rubbed it. Seb sat up a little.

“It was my fault.”

“No Seb.” Mark tried to sound unwavering for him.

“It was. It was my fault. I let it happen. I never did anything to stop him. I got so lost in it all it seemed normal. It was just my life. The life no one knew about, couldn't know about. I couldn't let anyone see the reality of my life.”

 

“Oh Seb, how on earth did you carry on that way, like nothing was happening? How in the name of god did you go racing when all that was going on?”

“I don't know. I think if I'd really thought about things I wouldn't have been able to walk into the factory and look people in the eye. But it was like I was two people. I just left all that outside and became the person they needed me to be. It was easier that way. That person was better, stronger. I could smile and joke and forget all about all the bad stuff going on.”

“Even with Heikki there?”

 

Mark couldn't get his head around it. How could Sebastian disassociate so easily?

Seb just looked at him bleakly.

“What do you think he would have done if I'd given things away?”

Shit. Mark didn't want to think.

“But how could you drive? I mean. If he hurt you?”

“I told you he was careful. Do you think he'd do anything ahead of a race?”

 

Right. Wasn't that worse than anything, thought Mark. He planned things. The fucker did all this damage with premeditation. He must be practically sociopathic.

“I don't know how you got such good results Seb. How on earth did you hold it all together?”

Sebastian gave the smallest of shrugs.

“The car was the best place. I could be myself, shut everything out and focus only on driving, on winning. All my problems disappeared and it was something pure and uncomplicated and I felt free. In the car I was okay. It was out of it that I had problems.”

Seb almost attempted a smile at that but it was too much effort. He took a deep, deep breath. He looked at Mark. He couldn't believe he'd told him. He felt as though a weight had been lifted off him.

“You wont tell anyone.” Sebastian hoped that wasn't a question.

“No. Of course not.”

“Not even Christian.” Seb had to be sure.

“No one.”

Mark couldn't believe what Sebastian had told him. He was still trying to process the information.

 

Sebastian felt drained of all spirit. He didn't even have the energy to shake any more. He'd tried so hard not to think about any of this over the past few weeks. The shock of admitting the truth about what had happened to himself as well as to Mark was almost too much. He knew Mark must be disgusted with him.

What kind of person could allow this kind of thing to happen to them?

Seb felt like the shell of a human being. Heikki had seen all this weakness in him and now Mark knew it too; the very worst of it was that he'd brought it all on himself.

Sebastian felt bile rising up inside. He hated himself. Mark must hate him too. Hate that he'd brought all this trouble to his door. How could he even look at him?

“I feel sick,” Seb blurted.

“It's okay,” soothed Mark.

“No, really I feel sick, I'm gonna...”

Oh god, he really was going to be sick. Sebastian forced himself off the sofa and belted up to the bathroom before he vomited all over the place.

 

 

Mark sat in a state of shock.

It was worse. Far worse then he'd ever imagined it could be. He wished Seb hadn't told him. He didn't want to know this. He didn't want to look at Sebastian and know this had happened to him. He almost wished Sebastian wasn't in his house, wasn't his responsibility, that he'd never got involved in this. He wished he'd never walked into that bathroom in Brazil.

Then he felt a crashing sense of guilt. What right did he have to feel that way? What about poor Seb? Puking his guts out in the bathroom upstairs. Assuming he'd made it upstairs.

Shit. Mark got up off the sofa to go see if he was alright. As if that was even a remote possibility.

 

 

Mark stood outside the closed bathroom door on the landing. There was no noise from inside.

“Seb are you okay?” Stupid question.

Nothing.

Mark stood right up against the door.

“Seb?”

Still nothing.

“Seb if you want me to go away and just leave you I can do, that's okay.”

 

There was still no noise from inside the bathroom. Mark wasn't sure what he should do.

He stood there for another minute wondering if it was worse to barge in or to walk away.

What if Seb was in trouble and needed help?

Mark rubbed his hand through his hair anxiously.

“ _Seb?”_ he tried one last time.

 

There was the sound of the toilet flushing and then running water.

Mark thought he heard a thud and panicked for second before he heard Sebastian utter a quiet “Okay.”

Mark tried the handle. Thankfully it wasn't locked. He opened the door tentatively.

Sebastian was sat on the floor, slumped against the side of the bath.

“Shit Seb.”

Mark had a lump in his throat.

He couldn't afford to break down when Sebastian needed his support. He swallowed hard and caught the harsh smell of vomit in the room. He went over and opened the small window and then knelt down in front of Seb.

“Are you alright?”

Obviously not. _Obviously_   not. Stupid question Mark.

Sebastian didn't say anything.

“Do you need anything. Do you want me to get you some water?”

Sebastian shook his head slightly.

“Okay.”

 

Mark felt like he had no words left to say. Maybe neither one of them did.

He sat himself down beside Sebastian, slid his arm over his shoulders and pulled Sebastian's head down into crook of his shoulder. He left his hand resting against Seb's temple, Mark's cheek pressed into Seb's hair.

They sat there like that for the longest time. Mark could feel Seb's heart beating hard right through his ribs. He could feel his own heart pounding away. It seemed as though the sound filled the room.

 

Eventually Sebastian stirred and pulled away from Mark's grasp. Mark let go of him as gently as possible.

Seb set his head back against the side of the bath. He tried looking at Mark. It was hard to look at him now he knew the whole truth.

“I'm sorry,” Sebastian apologised.

Mark shook his head.

“Don't apologise.”

“I know what you must think of me.”

“No Seb. Don't do that. I don't think anything.”

“I know I'm a freak, to let that happen.”

“Seb, don't say that.”

“I did though. I let it happen. I let it go on. I let him take over my whole life and sometimes that was easier, just to let him take over. Sometimes it was a relief. Not to fight it, just to let him run my life for me, let him do whatever he wanted. It just became normal. I was so tired all the time keeping things going in public and doing everything the team needed me to, and outside of that I just had nothing left.”

Mark felt his chest tightening.

“I'm not sure there's anything left of me. Of who I used to be. I'm not even sure what the real 'me' even is any more.”

Seb's voice sounded so dull and empty.

 

“You're going to be okay.”

Mark turned slightly so he was facing him.

“You're going to be okay,” he repeated

Mark had no clue how, but he tried to sound as though he did.

Sebastian let out a long shaky breath.

“I know it's all my own fault.”

“No Seb, please don't say that. It isn't your fault.”

“Mark you don't understand. I wanted him. I think maybe I even knew something would happen. I wanted it. I made it happen.”

“ _Seb.”_

Mark didn't know how to get through to him. It was like he was brainwashed.

“I was so obvious about it. He knew how I felt. He knew I wanted him. He just...”

“No, Seb. No. Don't you see? Oh Seb. Don't you see that makes it _worse?_ ”

 

Mark looked at Sebastian in desperation.

“Don't you see how much worse that makes things? He _knew_ you liked him and did this anyway. He could have had something good and he had to make it bad. Something so awful. He _chose_ to do that to you Seb. Don't you understand? He chose to hurt you. It was his choice, not yours. He manipulated you. He made you feel like you'd brought it on yourself, as though you'd asked for it and that made it okay.”

 

Mark placed his left hand against Sebastian's cheek.

“It wasn't okay. None of this is okay Seb. None of this is your fault. You didn't want that. Even if you thought you wanted him, you didn't want that did you?”

Sebastian felt his breath get too short.

“No. Not like that. I didn't want it like that. I never thought it would be like that. I didn't, didn't...”

Seb couldn't breathe at all now, he was going to burst. He couldn't see Mark properly. Everything was swimming before him.

 

“Seb. _Seb...”_

Shit. Sebastian's head was swaying. Mark put his right hand on the other side of Seb's face to hold him up.

“Seb! Stay with me. Seb look at me. You're alright. Just breathe, okay. Just breathe.”

Mark was fighting the urge to panic himself.

 

Sebastian tried to focus on Mark's face in front of him, but he couldn't do it. He closed his eyes and focussed on his voice instead. It sounded far away.

 

Sebastian head was suddenly heavy in Mark's hands. His body slumped from under him and Mark scrabbled to try to hold him up.

Fuck. He'd blacked out.

Mark took Seb's weight and tried to balance his head so he didn't hurt himself. He rested Seb down with his head laying in his lap.

He didn't care if it was right or wrong. He only cared if Sebastian was okay.

 

Seb's breathing was at least steady now.

Should he ring an ambulance? Seb would hate that. He might not forgive him.

Sebastian would be okay. He'd be okay in a minute. He had to be okay.

 

 

Seb stirred. He jerked up, not knowing where he was or what was going on.

Mark rushed to help him sit up straight.

“Seb, you're alright. I'm right here, you're alright.”

 

Sebastian was sat up now. He looked blankly at Mark as if he didn't recognise him.

Mark leant forward a little and tried to look into his eyes. The pupils were dilated. He kept both hands on Seb's shoulders holding him in place.

“Seb. Look at me. Do you know where you are?”

“Mark?” Seb mumbled confusedly.

“Yeah. You're alright mate, okay.”

 

Things slowly came back into focus. Then with a rush Seb remembered.

“I think I'm going to be sick again,” he said weakly.

“Okay.”

Mark hauled him up and over to the toilet.

 

Sebastian kept throwing up until there was nothing left and he was just retching until his ribs hurt.

Mark sat him back down against the bath and fetched him some water.

 

“Do you think you're going to throw up again?” Mark asked after a while.

Seb carefully shook his head.

“Okay.”

 

Mark lifted Sebastian up onto his feet, walked him to his room and put him to bed.

He sat on the edge of the bed watching Sebastian until he fell asleep. They didn't exchange a word.

Once Seb was asleep, Mark considered leaving, then changed his mind and sat back down on the floor. He took the spare pillow from Sebastian's bed and placed it behind himself up against the bedside cabinet and fell asleep with his head resting on the edge of the mattress.

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning Mark sat up uncomfortably, picked himself up off the floor and, checking Sebastian was still asleep, went downstairs and rang Christian.

He disclosed nothing that had passed between Seb and himself, but he asked Christian to get Dr. Phillips to pull his finger out finding a therapist for Sebastian to see, and told him in no uncertain terms that if the team _ever_ gave out a spare key to Sebastian's room again they would have Mark to deal with.

He didn't care if he had the right to demand these things, or whether Christian understood what he meant by all this. He didn't care if Seb would be unhappy that he'd done it. All he cared about was that it happened.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really have dropped Sebastian to the bottom of a dark hole here. 
> 
> I wrote this so fast my hands were shaking by the time I finished. I hope you don't hate it. I felt as though I was torturing the characters, pushing them right over the edge. But maybe that was the only way?  
> Christ, poor Seb; reaching the very depths before he might be able to find a way up again. Can he do that?
> 
> I'm just gonna go sit in a corner for a bit now...


	9. Testing Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making progress, or not? Sometimes it's hard to tell.
> 
> Three steps forward, two steps back. Or is it the other way around?

Dr. Henry Menton's offices were located on the third floor of a building in the centre of Oxford. The parking was nightmare, but on a good day you got wonderful views across the city, and that was what had sold it to him when he'd chosen it for his practice.

 

Sebastian was getting a pretty good opportunity to appreciate the quality of that view right now. He felt as though he'd been staring out of the window for ages.

 

He hadn't really known what to expect from his first therapy session when he'd been persuaded by the joint successive forces of Mark, Christian and Dr. Phillips to attend for an hour, a couple of days before he was due to start testing out in Jerez.

 

So far it hadn't been too bad; Dr. Menton (or Henry as he'd insisted Seb call him) had been welcoming and offered him a drink; he hadn't asked him to talk about Seb's 'feelings' or hinted that he'd been told any of the background of all this. But he was still a stranger, and Seb really didn't want to be here.

 

Seb looked about and thought this fulfilled all the standard psychiatrist clichés:

Old fashioned room – check;

Couch – check;

Framed important looking certificates on the wall – check;

Beardy older guy – check;

Awkward silence – check.

 

“We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to Sebastian,” offered Dr. Menton.

“Right.”

“This session is just to get to know one another a little bit. See if maybe this is going to work out.”

 

Sebastian just nodded.

He still wasn't sure what was really expected of him. He couldn't just open up to some complete stranger and trust him with all awful stuff that lurked inside him. It wasn't like talking to Mark. Seb didn't even really see why he had to be here. Since coming back from Switzerland he'd been doing so much better, mostly anyway.

 

He and Mark had found a way of talking about things without really getting in too deep and pushing Seb too far. Mark had been great. Incredible really.

In truth that was the real reason he was here; Mark had looked so relieved when Sebastian had come home and told him that Dr. Phillips had come up with a therapist he thought was suitable, that Seb felt guilty about all that he'd been putting on Mark and didn't have the heart to tell him that he didn't want to go.

 

“Why don't you tell me a little about what you do?”

“Hmm?” Sebastian came back from his reverie.

“Do you want to tell me a bit about what you do?” repeated Dr. Menton.

“Oh.”

Right, thought Seb, he's no idea. He almost shook his head at himself; how arrogant of him to assume that he would know who Sebastian was.

“Well, umm, I'm a driver... I mean a racing driver.”

“Yes?” nodded Dr. Menton encouragingly. “And how's that going?”

Sebastian really did laugh a little at that, he couldn't help himself.

“Well. Not too bad.”

Just the youngest ever Formula One World Champion. World Driver's Champion four times in a row. Not _too_   bad.

“And you asked to fit this session in before you went away next week, so are you racing then?”

“Oh, no that's just testing.”

“Testing?”

“Umm, yeah we test the new cars out. We'll be in Spain.”

“I see, and are you looking forward to that?”

 

Huh, thought Sebastian, he wasn't really sure what the answer to that was. He wasn't wild about leaving Mark behind, but it would be good to get back behind the wheel. It would be interesting to see how this new car worked, if it would be as different to drive as everyone hinted. He was both a little excited and rather worried to find out whether they were in as much trouble as the team suspected with the new regulations.

 

“Kind of. I'm not really sure actually,” offered Seb.

“Why's that then?” asked Dr. Menton.

 

Henry really did sound interested. He kept asking leading questions about what they would be doing next week and before Sebastian knew it, he found himself explaining all about the changes in regulations for the new season.

To his surprise Henry was paying close attention and Seb was going into more and more detail. He ended up borrowing some paper and drawing diagrams of how the power-train and new turbo's worked.

Halfway through he paused, wondering whether he wasn't giving away proprietorial team information, but then he reckoned that confidentiality applied to everything he said in this room (and that the odds of Henry getting on the phone the minute Sebastian left and calling Ron Dennis to share it were pretty slim).

 

 

Seb had really only got as far as telling Henry that the biggest issue they had was that they really had no clue how all this theory was going to work in practice, when the doctor concluded.

 

“Fascinating. Really Sebastian. It all sounds incredibly complicated. You'll have to tell me how it's all gone when you're back next week.”

“Oh, umm yeah.”

“I'd love to hear more, but I'm afraid I have another appointment.”

 

Seb looked at his watch. A whole hour had passed. He got up, picked up the scribbled-on piece of paper, folded it and put in his pocket.

“Of course. Umm. Thanks for fitting me in.”

“No problem. You'll be back in time for the same slot next week?”

“Umm yeah, sure.”

He shook the offered hand which was reassuringly solid.

“Great, well you can update me on how it all went. Good luck.”

 

And with that Sebastian was out the door and walking back along the street to find his car. He'd spent the first five minutes of the session working out how he'd politely tell the doctor that he wouldn't be coming back, but now he'd just committed to being here again the following Friday.

Okay, well that hadn't been _too_ terrible he supposed. Strange, but not terrible. It could've been a lot worse, and he could tell them he'd been to the therapy session, so...

Sebastian shrugged to himself and headed back to Mark's.

 

 

“How was it?” asked Mark.

“Alright I guess. I suppose.”

“You don't have to tell me about any of it, obviously. I mean that's your business,” said Mark suddenly realising he shouldn't pry.

“No, it's okay. It was fine. It was a bit weird.”

Sebastian wasn't really sure _what_ this afternoon had constituted.

“Weird? Well I guess it's bound to be weird at first. Don't worry about it, eh?” Mark patted Sebastian's arm.

“No, I mean we didn't really talk about anything.”

Sebastian looked confused.

“We ended up talking all about the new car.”

“Huh,” replied Mark, making sure he didn't let a smile appear on his face.

Smart guy, he thought. Good.

 

 

 

 

“So how did today go then?” enquired Mark's voice over the phone.

Sebastian glared down the phone at him. He was sat on his bed in an anonymous hotel away from the track.

“You're kidding me?”

“What?” asked Mark surprised by Seb's tone.

Sebastian sighed.

“I guess you've not been following things?”

“Well no, Seb, I've been busy. What did I miss?”

“Nothing, pretty much. A complete waste of time. Somebody screwed up at the factory and fitted a part wrong and I spent the entire day in the garage.”

“Oh Seb, you're joking?”

Hardly, thought Sebastian.

“Well not the _whole_ day. I got a good 3 laps in before the session finished.”

Sebastian tried to lighten his voice and make a joke of it. It was hardly Mark's fault.

“A bit shit then?”

“Yeah a bit shit.”

Quite a lot shit in fact, but what could you do?

Mark kept him talking on the phone for a while.

 

“Well, tomorrow is another day and all that, Seb.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Mark couldn't really think of any more encouraging things to say.

“I've gotta go mate, these guys need to stretch their legs.”

The dogs were currently stood by the kitchen door looking at Mark expectantly.

“Right. Of course.”

Seb felt as though he could just use a long walk out with the dogs right now.

“They say hi,” quipped Mark.

“Hi back at them,” smiled Sebastian.

“I think they miss you mate, they looked quite disappointed they only had me for company this morning. I'm pretty sure I should be offended.”

It wasn't just the dogs who missed Seb.

“Anyway, chin up.”

“Yeah,” signed off Seb trying not to sound too downbeat.

They had another chance tomorrow. Things would be better tomorrow.

 

 

 

They weren't. After only managing another 8 laps the car gave up the ghost and he was done.

 

By early afternoon Sebastian was out by the back of the garage sat on one of the crates, his finger hovering over the 'dial' button.

 

Fuck it. He called him.

 

“Hey Seb,” answered Mark sounding disgustingly cheery.

“Hey,” replied Seb sounding the opposite.

“Oh dear,” said Mark reading him instantly. “That bad?”

“That bad. We're finished.”

“For lunch?”

“For the day,” corrected Seb, sounding just as miserable as he felt.

“For the season I reckon,” he continued.

“Oh come on Seb, it can't be that bad surely? It's just the first run out.”

“Mark I've done eleven bloody laps in _two_ days. My fastest lap is ten seconds slower than the Mercedes.”

“You mean tenths?”

“No, I mean ten _seconds_. Ten whole fucking seconds.”

Seb wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. It was shambles.

 

“Right. Well...”

Mark didn't know what to say.

“What have you got to do now?”

“Not much. I can stand around watching the mechanics looking baffled, or I can listen to Christian trying to sound positive, or I could go talk to some more journalists so they can tell me how tired I look again,” because that had been _such_ fun yesterday.

Sebastian sounded depressed and it worried Mark.

“Is there any point sticking around then?”

“Not really,” admitted Seb.

 

It only took a slight nudge from Mark and Sebastian was in the garage having a quiet word with Christian before ducking out of the circuit before people even realised he was gone.

 

By the early evening he was back walking the dogs in the Buckinghamshire countryside and not regretting it for a second.

 

 

Later on they were sat around after dinner in the kitchen.

 

“Is it genuinely that bad then?” asked Mark.

Sebastian left out a frustrated puff of air.

“Right now it is. I don't know, Christian keeps saying they're making progress and it should be better by Bahrain, but Adrian has this _look_ in eye.”

“What look?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know, I don't want to call it despair, but... he doesn't _love_  this car.”

 

Adrian loved his cars. Sebastian was right, that wasn't a good sign.

 

“Well, what about the rest of it. How are you getting on with Daniel?”

“Fine, everyone likes Dan, it's impossible not to, he's like this ridiculous ball of sunshine wandering about the place, smiling all the time.”

“He's been given a great opportunity Seb. You can't resent him that, surely?”

“No I don't. Of course not. I like him, I do. It's just, I don't know, he's so _young._ ”

 

Mark nearly choked on his coffee.

“Young? Bloody hell Seb, he's _two_ years younger than you!”

“Well he _seems_  young. Younger than me anyway. He's just so enthusiastic and damn keen all the time.”

“Yes, that _is_ annoying, isn't it?” commented Mark dryly.

“I guess I just need to get used to having a new team-mate. It's strange after all this time,” admitted Seb.

“It's weird, cos sometimes I hear his voice across the garage and for a moment, I think it's you,” and I'm disappointed when I realise it's not, he failed to add.

“It's just the accent, you're not that similar really I guess.”

 

Not massively different though, Red Bull had exchanged one tall, skinny, dark-haired Aussie for a newer version.

It was as though Helmut Marko had a cloning factory tucked away in Austria where they'd cooked up a replacement, only the button for the 'cheery' gene had got stuck during production.

 

“Yeah, well give him a chance, eh? By the sounds of it he might be in for a nasty shock.”

“He'll probably be beating me this year for all I know,” worried Sebastian.

“Well who knows? There's no point worrying about it now. Besides, you need some decent oppo in the other corner; It keeps your game up,” finished Mark encouragingly.

 

Personally he thought that while the new kid had game, Seb would probably wipe the floor with him this season; Crap car or not, at least in equal machinery Sebastian would have someone to fairly measure himself against, and Daniel's irrepressibly sunny outlook on life and gregarious personality would surely be no bad thing in the garage.

He just hoped that the brutal realities of F1 at the top didn't knock either one of them too hard this year.

 

 

 

 

The next few weeks seemed to fly by. Between time at the factory attempting to work their way out of the crisis the world seemed so thrilled they were in, promotion work, more disastrous testing, training, and therapy sessions (that mostly seemed to involve Sebastian telling Henry all about how shit Renault were), they barely had time to catch their breath before it was nearly March and Sebastian realised he'd been living at Mark's house for approaching two months.

 

 

Mark hadn't been too thrilled at Seb's new trainer: Another blonde athletic Finn.

Sebastian had insisted that he was nothing like Heikki and told him how he spent half the time chatting up the female PR staff, but Mark remained unconvinced. He couldn't do much about it without upsetting Seb though, so he gave up that particular battle and instead had a conversation with Christian that he never mentioned to Seb and got Christian's word that he was keeping a very close eye on him.

 

Sebastian was glad that he had been so busy. It helped distract him from worrying about things. He had plenty to worry about: The problems with the car; His concern that he was about to be shown up as fraud of a world champion; His past and the number of people that now knew about it.

He was even starting to worry that his therapy sessions were a rip-off; they didn't seem to get onto anything really serious. Sebastian somehow totally failed to notice just how much he had revealed to Dr. Menton; About his family and his career; About Mark and how much he relied on him.

Henry had turned out to be surprisingly easy to talk to. He didn't seem to judge anything Sebastian said or take notes that someone could leak to the press. On the other hand they didn't seem to be getting very far and Seb was frustrated that he didn't know how to bring up the subject of Heikki.

 

 

Seb was struggling to separate out all his issues. After managing only one decent day of running after two-thirds of testing, Sebastian had found himself snapping at the team, his engineer, _Mark._

 

They were in the kitchen making dinner when Mark finally lost patience with him.

 

“Any chance you're going to stop moaning about the car and give me a hand here?”

Sebastian scowled at him.

“Fine. What do you want me to do?”

 

Mark looked about wondering where Seb could cause the least damage. He reached into the fridge and pulled out a bag of carrots.

 

“Chop these for me alright?”

“Fine,” sulked Sebastian, turning his back and setting about peeling and chopping on the other side of the kitchen.

He knew it wasn't fair on Mark, but he just didn't understand what a nightmare the new car was.

 

Mark left him to cool down for a bit. He knew Seb was having a tough time, but getting this twenty-four-seven wasn't a great deal of fun for him either.

 

“Done,” announced Seb.

Mark turned around to see Sebastian pointing at a mountain of carrot batons on the chopping board beside him.

He had been all prepared to be serious, but now he burst out laughing.

“Bloody hell mate, how many people are we having for dinner?”

 

Seb had done the entire kilogram bag.

 

Sebastian looked uncomprehending for a second and then looked at the chopping board in chagrin.

“Oh.”

He suddenly felt like a complete idiot.

“Right.”

Mark shook his head, still amused.

“Don't laugh at me.” Seb knew he sounded petulant.

Sebastian felt like a stupid little kid. He stabbed the knife down into the pile of vegetables in annoyance.

“Alright mate. Blimey, what did the carrots do to deserve that?”

Mark still had an amused glint in his eye.

 

Sebastian tried to stay angry with him and failed. Stupid carrots.

He sat himself down into one of the kitchen chairs with a “Humph”.

Mark shook his head and joined him at the table.

“Come on mate. I know it's frustrating, but you've still got a few more days next week and things are looking up a bit aren't they?”

“A tiny bit,” conceded Seb.

“Well look, you can only do what you can do. Everyone's doing their best to fix things aren't they?”

 

They were. Sebastian knew how many hours were going in at the factory, how knackered Christian looked, how many heated rows had been had over at the Renault base in Viry. He'd offered to do all he could think of to help; Extra hours in the sim; Talking to the engineers to give them what little feedback he could from the limited experience he had in the car; Putting a positive spin on matters for the media to try to keep the heat out of things, but it didn't seem to have made much difference.

 

Sebastian just gave one of the shrugs that Mark knew too well by now.

 

“Look mate, I know it's tough, but you've just got to roll with the punches. If the car is shit this year it's shit. You'll just have to do the best you can.”

“Great,” said Sebastian still sounding annoyed.

“Try looking at it this way; maybe this year will be good for you?”

“Oh, so having a crap car will be good for me? You think I deserve it after having it too good?”

“That's not what I meant Seb.”

“One of the journalists said I'd be getting 'an object lesson in humility',” said Seb, sounding hurt.

 

“I don't think you need any lessons in humility Seb,” countered Mark.

He wasn't managing to get any of this right.

“I don't mean that. I mean...”

Mark sighed.

“Look, you always say people talk about how you've only ever achieved anything because you've had the best car, right?”

“Right,” begrudged Sebastian.

If Mark thought this was how to make him feel better he had a funny way of going about it, thought Seb.

“So if you don't have the best car this year, everything you _do_ achieve will be down to you, wont it?”

Mark eyed him carefully, hoping he was finally getting his point across.

“And if I don't?”

That was what Sebastian was most scared of: Being shown up as an imposter, a driver with no real talent who'd lucked out for too long and was finally getting his comeuppance.

 

“You will.”

Mark said that with such assurance. Seb didn't know how he had such faith in him.

 

Sebastian gave up being annoyed and let Mark see how scared he was.

“Will I? I've no idea Mark. I've never gone into a season feeling like this. Everyone's just _waiting_ for me to fail...”

Mark shook his head sadly, he knew that for some that was only too true.

“Well then show the bastards they're wrong Seb!”

He hadn't meant to shout it. Seb looked taken aback.

They sat there for a minute getting themselves together.

 

“You're a good driver Seb, alright. Don't listen to anyone else. You know this. Come on, mate. Don't let the critics get to you. They don't know anything. I sat in the garage across from you for years. I know you're a good driver. You beat me didn't you, and I'm not that bad a driver even if I do say so myself.”

Mark cocked an eye at him. He hoped Seb knew what it cost him to admit that.

“You're a great driver Mark, it wasn't a level playing field.”

“Well whatever. You're still a good driver, and this year no one is going to be able to say it's because of the car, or Adrian, or anyone else.”

“You really think so?” sought Seb.

“Yeah mate I do.”

“Okay,” said Sebastian sounding unconvinced.

“Try to see it as an opportunity to really show everyone what you're made of. You're a tough little bugger.”

Mark gave him a warm smile.

“I'm really not,” Seb replied quietly.

He wasn't tough at all. He was so weak. Surely Mark understood that with all he knew about him now.

“Yeah you are Seb,” Mark continued firmly. “You've been through hell and you kept going. Not many people could do that. You achieved everything you did with all that _shit_  going on... I still don't know how you managed that to be honest.”

 

Mark was looking at him with such an open face. If Mark believed in him, maybe Seb could too. As long as he had him in his corner he'd be alright.

“Just don't give up,” entreated Mark.

“I don't plan to,” replied Seb with a certainty he hadn't felt before.

“Good. I never thought you would. You're going to show them all this year mate, alright?”

“Okay.”

“You might just have to readjust your expectations a little bit, that's all.”

“I think I'm gonna have to be pretty thrilled if I finish a race at this point.”

 

Mark gave him a look.

 

“Fine, okay, I'll be shooting for podiums.”

“Good. As long as you're _fighting_ for those places people will respect you, they'll have no choice. You might just finally change a few people's minds about whether you really deserve those championships.”

“Do you think?”

“Yeah mate I do. And even if you don't, _you'll_ know how you fought for what you got and that's all that really matters in the end.”

That bit hit home with Seb. He'd like to feel that.

“You know everyone says such great things about Fernando because he wrings every drop out of his car when Ferrari keep giving him trucks to drive, well maybe it's your turn to the same?”

“Yeah alright, okay, I get it.”

“And?” insisted Mark.

“And I'm not about to give up, alright?” He finally sounded as unwavering as Mark did.

“Good mate. Good. Try to see all this as a positive.”

“It's a funny kind of positive,” finished Seb.

“Yeah, well, maybe, but it's what you've got, so...” Mark trailed off.

 

Things were what they were, he couldn't fix them for Seb for all he'd like to. He was secretly very worried what a poor car and a hard season in the spotlight would do to Sebastian after everything he'd been through. All Mark could do was try to build Seb up to tackle the challenge that doubtless lay ahead and be there for him as much as possible to try to pick up the pieces if he fell.

 

Sebastian looked lost in thought for a moment

“Alright?” Mark asked, interrupting him.

“Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I know. I am gonna give it everything. I promise.”

“Don't promise me mate; promise yourself. You're the one that matters.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian gave a firm nod of acknowledgement. Maybe things weren't quite so bad. This time last year he'd been going into the season with the best car on the grid but his life outside of the car had been a complete nightmare, if this year it was the opposite way around then he'd take that.

 

“Sorry I decimated your carrots,” Sebastian apologised.

“They never stood a chance mate,” Mark looked over at them with mock sadness.

“Never mind, we can eat them as snacks.”

He got up and set about finding something to stick them in for the fridge. They carried on making dinner. They'd carry on. It was what you did.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian headed back to Bahrain the following week for the last few days of testing trying to keep Mark's sense of positivity in mind.

 

It was good deal harder to manage when his car died 4 corners into his very first lap.

Problem after problem after problem. Not even the _same_ problems. How was he supposed to show the world what a fighter he was if the car wouldn't even do a damn lap of the track?

Seb smiled for the cameras and did all he could to sound upbeat when he spoke to people, the team even more than the media, as he knew they felt it just as much as he did, even more maybe, and they'd be stuck there working on the car late into the night when he got to go back to the hotel to try to forget about things for a while.

 

Mark had spent fair proportion of Saturday night trying to pick Sebastian up over the phone. It wasn't easy when you were separated by 3000 miles.

 

The next (and very final) day of testing was at last _mostly_ successful. If you could count a day as successful when you spun off track half way through (having to put the fire at the back of your car out yourself on the off-chance that the car might be worth saving), and finished the day ninth out of eleven on the timings only having lifted yourself up off the very bottom of that list right at the end of the day. All that effort for _ninth,_ but at least he'd finally managed to get a respectable 77 laps done.

 

In the whole of testing Sebastian hadn't got even a third of the laps that Rosberg had managed, and the times didn't even bear thinking about; He wasn't used to having to look for his name that far down the screen.

Seb tried not to sigh. He smiled encouragingly in the garage and thanked the team for all their hard work overnight to get him the most running he'd had all winter. They were slogging their guts out for so little in return, he had to keep doing his bit.

 

Sebastian went out and gave his sound-bites for the world's cameras. He smiled gracefully when some wag explained the current joke doing the rounds was that RB10 really meant 'are beaten'. Hilarious. Fucking _hilarious_. He smiled and shrugged good-naturedly and restrained himself from joining in by saying he'd have had more laps in testing if he'd been driving the recovery truck.

 

 

 

Seb tried not to let the impending start of the season panic him. The team had been making progress, but they were pretty much out of time.

 

It felt as though he was running out of time with Dr. Menton as well. Sebastian was sure he must be losing patience with him. Seb knew he was avoiding all the important topics. For weeks now he'd been aware that he'd been the one re-directing the sessions towards 'safer' areas and Henry had let him get away with it. He wasn't meant to going to therapy to discuss engines.

Rationally Seb knew that he wasn't actually running out of time, that they'd continue to fit in sessions whenever he was home during the busy fly-away start of the season, but irrationally he felt he had to tackle things before he went away or they'd be hanging over him when he was meant to be concentrating on racing.

 

He felt he could trust Henry by now. He'd never pushed him or made him feel uncomfortable. He always left things open as to what they discussed and let Sebastian lead without pressuring him. So far Seb had only hinted that he'd recently come out of a bad relationship, he hadn't gone into detail as to just _how_   bad it was or the fact that it wasn't truly a 'relationship' at all.

He started by talking about the changes in the team and his new trainer and then when Henry asked why his old trainer had left Seb gripped his hands on the edge of the couch and started to talk.

 

He hadn't meant to go too far, at least not at first. He thought he'd just tell Henry that things had been unhealthy between them and it had left him a little messed-up, but he couldn't lie about it and when the questions came he was faced with the option of descending into interminable silence or telling the truth. Somehow it seemed there was now no smaller version of the truth he could tell. It was all or nothing. He started talking and before Dr. Menton got a proper grasp of just how serious things were, Sebastian had started to unravel at an unstoppable rate of knots.

 

 

Mark's phone rang just as he was finishing up working on the bikes in the garage.

“Hey Seb.”

“Is that Mark?”

An unfamiliar voice startled him.

“Yes. Who is this? Where's Seb?”

Mark was alarmed; this couldn't mean anything good.

“This is Dr. Henry Menton. I think you know who am I, yes?” said the voice calmly.

“Yes. Where's Seb?”

Mark was definitely worried now.

“He's here, well actually he's sat outside right now, but...”

The doctor paused, unsure for a moment to what extent he ought to reveal the situation. He still wasn't entirely clear on the relationship the two had, but when he'd asked Sebastian if there was someone he could call for him he'd just said "Mark" and left Henry his phone.

“...he's a bit upset right now. I think it's probably not a great idea that he drives himself home. I wonder if you might be able to come and pick him up?”

 

Shit. _**Shit.**_

Mark was already heading back into the house.

 

“Is he okay? What happened? Did he have a panic attack?”

So Mark did know, thought Dr. Menton. Rather more than he did, he suspected.

He wanted to ask if these were regular occurrences, but it wasn't the time, nor would it really be appropriate to question Mark on the subject.

“I'm afraid so, yes. He's alright, he's just getting some air now.”

Marked stopped rushing around the hallway collecting his coat and closed his eyes tight. His chest hurt.

 _Fuck,_ Seb was in bits again and he was just sat out on the street somewhere.

 

“Can you go check on him please?”

Mark tried to sound calm when he wanted to yell at the doctor for getting Sebastian worked up and then leaving him to it.

“I will do Mark, he's alright, he's calmed down.”

“Okay.”

It wasn't, of course.

“I'll give you my address.”

 

 

Thirty-five minutes later, Dr. Menton watched from his window as a car sped up and parked on the double yellow lines in front of the building.

He could only partly see Sebastian sat on his doorstep where he'd left him the last time he'd checked up on him, but he saw a tall dark haired man get out of the car, cross the pavement and crouch down in front of him.

He watched as the man he assumed had to be Mark, leant in and pulled Sebastian into his arms. Shortly after, he saw the taller man remove his coat and although he couldn't quite see from his viewpoint, he presumed it was to put it around Seb.

 

Henry thought about going downstairs to speak to them, but it felt as though that was too much of an intrusion. Sebastian was clearly in good hands.

By the time the pair stood up, Sebastian was wearing the other man's coat. They made their way to the car.

The man looked up to the window and Henry stepped back, feeling like a voyeur. By the time he looked back the car was pulling away.

 

 

 

It was only when they were part-way home that Seb made a half-hearted protest about abandoning his car in the centre of Oxford. Mark pointed out that he could afford to pay the ticket and promised they'd retrieve it tomorrow.

The car hardly mattered right now. Sebastian was all that mattered.

Mark felt like throttling Dr. Menton. They were right back to square one and now they only had three days until they flew to Australia for the start of the season.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By this fic's standards I think this actually qualifies as a 'light' chapter ;-)


	10. Aborted Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starting as you don't mean to go on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I called this chapter 'Aborted Start' cos it seemed appropriate, and then afterwards I checked and the Australian GP really *did* have an aborted start, which I had completely forgotten about!
> 
> I swear my brain's subconscious is just writing this fic on it's own now...

 

Neither Mark nor Sebastian could have told you exactly why they kept their new friendship a secret from the rest of the paddock when they arrived in Australia. They never actually discussed the matter, but somehow the instinct to keep private matters private kicked in and Mark found himself spending his time at the circuit on Daniel's side of the garage to avoid any unnecessary attention.

 

Away from the cameras in the RedBull Energy Station they could be more relaxed and not be too concerned that people saw them talking and spending time in each other's company. It raised one or two eyebrows amongst the team, but in spite of the two's very public fallings out over the years it wasn't entirely unheard of for the pair to be seen together and those that did notice merely assumed that now Mark had left the team the heat of the rivalry had faded and things had become more relaxed between them.

It amused Christian to hear the odd comment that was made on the subject. He brushed them off, remarking that both were mature enough to have moved on from where they'd been last year. He was hardly likely to tell anyone that the pair had to all intents and purposes been living together since the start of the year. People probably wouldn't have believed him if he had told them.

Sebastian had told his engineer Rocky that he had been staying with a friend in England to facilitate his frequent visits to the factory to help with the preparation of the car, but he'd left any further details deliberately vague and Rocky hadn't asked anything more.

 

 

Seb had worked hard on arriving in Melbourne with a positive outlook; The team kept insisting they had definitely made rapid progress over the last few weeks of the winter and Sebastian had no reason not to believe them.

 

The season's first day of proper running on the Friday seemed to bare out the team's hopes; The car felt better, reliability was fine and he got a good amount of laps in. The times, whilst nowhere near this year's spectacular Mercedes, were finally at least respectable. Seb could live with that. If he could at least have a chance to get into things in the race he could accept that his previously standard pace, far away at the very front, was now an unrealistic dream. As long as he had the opportunity to fight he could reconcile himself to the fact that it might be a hard battle.

 

Saturday then came as low blow; Things went downhill in Free Practice in the morning and then in Qualifying everything fell apart; It was like he was driving a different car to the one he'd been in the day before, a different car to the one Daniel was driving.

He couldn't blame things on the poor weather – that was the same for everyone; He couldn't blame it on the yellow flag Kimi's crash had brought out – he should have had a half-decent banker lap on the board already.

For the first time since he couldn't remember when, he was out in Q2 and was going to have to start all the way down the grid in thirteenth place.

On it's own that would have been bad enough, but with the new quieter engines Seb couldn’t help but hear the mocking cheers of the crowd as they saw he'd failed to make it into the last part of qualifying. He kept his helmet on as he walked along the pitlane towards the unavoidable media grilling on his failure, but he could hear the catcalls and booing from the crowd as he passed.

He was right back where he was last year. Back then at least he could excuse the crowd's reaction as a response to his overwhelming dominance, but now there was nothing to console him, no rationalisations to push away the realisation that they just hated him. They didn't even know him, he'd done nothing to them, they just hated him. He would not, _not,_ let them see how deeply that cut.

 

He'd finished up doling out as chirpy an interview as he could muster in the circumstances before they'd even finished the last part of qualifying. As he trudged back to the team motor-home he heard the crowd cheering raucously and stopped dead, wondering if that could possibly mean that Daniel had pulled something incredible out of the bag. How could that even be possible?

Sebastian had kept his word to Mark; he'd been pushing all the way, he hadn't given up, he'd lifted the minimum amount for the waved yellows and floored it to the finish, but it wasn't nearly enough. How could Daniel be doing so much better than him?

 

By the time he walked through the doors into the lounge area, the big-screen TVs showed that Lewis had bagged pole as he'd been threatening to do all weekend. That was no surprise, but Daniel was right there in second place. _Second place._ How? Sebastian tried to be pleased for him, but he couldn't understand how he was falling so far short of his rookie team-mate.

He didn't want to face the rest of the team right now. He headed on up to his private room avoiding eye-contact with the people he passed.

 

 

 

Entering his room, Sebastian slammed the door behind him so hard that the whole room vibrated.

 

“Bloody hell mate, I'm pretty sure they only made this place out of plastic, you might bring the whole building down.”

 

Seb nearly jumped out of his skin. He hadn't noticed that his room was already occupied.

“ _Scheiße_ _,_ Mark! What the hell are you doing in here?”

“Waiting for you, obviously.”

Mark was lounging on his bed watching the TV.

“Right. Well no offence Mark, but I don't think I'm going to be very good company.”

“No. That much I presumed.”

It was of course, precisely why Mark was there.

“You saw then?”

Sebastian finally clocked that the television was tuned to Formula One.

“Mmm,” confirmed Mark non-committally.

 

Sebastian slid down the door to sit on the floor disconsolately.

“Compete _fucking_ disaster!” bit Seb.

“Oh come on mate, it's not that bad. There's plenty of people worse off than you.”

“Not Dan though. He got p2. I saw on my way up,” Sebastian retorted.

“He nearly had pole for a while there until Lewis snatched it.”

“Oh great, well thanks for making me feel better Mark,” snapped Sebastian. He really wasn't in the mood for Mark's dry sense of humour right now.

“Seb, behave. I mean the car's clearly got some ponies tucked away.”

 _Ponies?_   Seb wondered for moment what he was talking about, before realising it was slang for horse-power. It would have made him laugh on a better day.

“Well if you could let me know where my car is hiding them that'd be _wunderbar_ , cheers Mark.”

Sebastian still sounded as annoyed as he felt.

“Seb there's obviously an issue with your car,” reassured Mark, not rising to Sebastian's sarcasm.

 

“You don't think Daniel's just better than me?” asked Sebastian, perilously close to pouting.

“Not eleven places better.”

Mark raised a playful eyebrow. “Five or six places maybe, but not _eleven_.” He risked a grin.

“Oi!” protested Seb. He was not going to let Mark piss-take him into feeling better.

 

Mark turned around and stretched his long leg out off the bed and prodded Seb.

“It's just a bad day at the office mate. The world isn't ending.”

Seb did pout now, he glared at Mark's foot.

“Come on, if you'd quali'd second, what chance would we have to appreciate your renowned overtaking skills tomorrow?”

“I _can_ overtake,” protested Seb.

 

That was one of the criticisms of himself that he'd always thought was unfair; How much overtaking did you need to show off when you were used to leading every lap?

 

“Good. I look forward to watching you prove that in the race then,” said Mark with firmness.

“But the car today Mark...” Sebastian sighed; It hadn't done _anything_ he'd tried to make it do.

“I told you, there must be a fault Seb. They'll have fixed it overnight, you'll be right by tomorrow mate.”

“You think so?”

“You think the team wont be in that garage til midnight tonight trying?”

“Later probably,” confirmed Sebastian suddenly feeling guilty.

“So then.”

“Yeah alright.”

 

Mark had won, Sebastian wasn't feeling half as miserable as he had been when he'd walked in the room.

“They'll find whatever the problem was and fix it, and then you can show us what you've got in the race.”

“Yeah,” Seb still didn't sound one hundred percent convinced.

“Yeah?” prodded Mark with his foot.

Seb rolled his eyes and shoved the foot away, but he did manage something bordering on a smile.

“Yeah, okay. I will.”

Seb paused before checking, not wanting to sound too needy. “You'll be watching?”

“Of course, wouldn't miss it.”

Mark hesitated. “You're sure you still don't want me around tomorrow?”

Seb _wasn't_ sure, but he stuck to his guns. “No, I think it's best if I concentrate on tackling this on my own two feet Mark. I mean you're not going to be there at the races after this and I just have to get on with things.”

“Righto,” replied Mark keeping emotion out of things. He'd really quite like to be here for the race, but if Sebastian didn't want him here, he understood.

“Do you fancy going to find something to eat in town?”

“Yes, but I need a shower and I still need to properly do a debrief with my guys. I could be a while.”

“No worries, I'll head back to the hotel, give me a shout when you're back.”

 

Mark got up and Seb copied him.

“You'll be right tomorrow mate, okay.”

Mark patted his shoulder encouragingly and left him to it.

 

 

Mark's assertion proved rather hollow the next day when Sebastian's car lost full power before he'd even had to line up to start from the ignominious position of twelfth on the grid.

Five laps into the race and he was back in the garage: If you put your foot down and nothing much happened there really wasn't an awful lot of fighting you could do.

He was so frustrated he wanted to scream. All that work and effort and preparation and _nothing_ , _**nothing** ,_ to show for it.

 

Seb took a moment before opening up his helmet after being shamefully rolled back into the garage by the mechanics. He swallowed hard and thought how tired the guys had looked when he'd come in today, he felt bad that he'd whined over the radio, it wasn't fair, they were just as pissed off with things as he was.

“Sorry guys,” he shrugged. He had to keep it together, there was no one to blame.

 

 

Seb joined the roll-call of DNF's in the press pen and made little jokes to the media about how easy it was for them to hear him mid-race these days.

He looked about him; There was plenty of company: Jules, Felipe, Kamui, even Lewis. He shook his head. If he was frustrated, Lewis must be furious – pole position and the best car on the grid and he'd retired a lap before Sebastian even had.

 

Half way back walking through the paddock Seb tried pulling himself together; Everyone had said that the first race this season was going to be a bloodbath; most expected only half the cars to finish. Perhaps his card had been marked from the start?

He wished Mark was here and they could go and have a chat up in his room, let Mark tease him and talk sense into him until he felt better. But Mark had left Melbourne this morning to go see his family. Sebastian had been the one to tell him not to come here, so he could hardly complain about it now.

There was nothing for it but go back to the garage and see if there was anything useful he could do. Maybe he could watch Daniel and see what he had that Sebastian clearly lacked.

 

Christian greeted him at the pit-wall with a consoling hug. He looked a little concerned. Seb tried to show that he was fine, asking about Dan's progress and what else was going on in the race.

At the end he applauded with everyone else when Daniel surprised the world by finishing his very first race with the supposedly rubbish RedBull in second place. In front of a thrilled home crowd as well. Seb met him afterwards and slapped him on the back. Daniel was beaming so widely Seb wondered if it didn't hurt his face.

It was still impossible not to like him, not to congratulate him, and a little to Sebastian's surprise he wasn't faking it, he _was_ happy for Dan. It didn't make it any easier for him though.

 

 

Once Seb had done all he reasonably could with the team as follow up to the race, he headed back to his room and showered. He rested his head against the glass partition and had restrain himself from head-butting it.

Dressing, he retrieved his phone from his jeans pocket. He checked it and discovered a missed call and a text.

MARK: “Call me when you can, alright?”

 

Sebastian lay out on the bed. He wished Mark wasn't so far off. Why had he been so insistent on sending him away?

He wasn't sure he really wanted Mark's sympathy. He wasn't sure what he wanted.

Not to be here right now mostly.

 

He hit redial.

 

“Hey,” Seb started quietly.

“Hey.” Mark's voice sounded so warm. “You okay?”

Mark tried not to sound too serious, there was no point belabouring the issue; they both knew the score.

Mark had felt like kicking something across the room when he'd heard Seb's voice from the radio calls on TV, clearly spilling over with frustration as it became clear that the problems with the car were terminal. It was the very last thing Seb needed and there wasn't a damn thing Mark could do about it.

 

Silence.

Mark was pretty sure by now he could hear Sebastian's shrug over the phone now he was so attuned to them.

 

“Nothing you could do mate.”

“I know,” replied Seb, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. Nothing to be done. Nothing to be done...

Sebastian took a deep breath. “I wish you were here right now.”

Mark rubbed his face with his hand. “You said you didn't want me there!”

“I know, I _know_. I'm an idiot.”

Mark hated hearing him upset.

 

“Have you got any more work to do?” Mark enquired.

“No we're finished. There's some business with Dan over the fuel-flow, I'm not sure what's going on there, but I'm done.”

Mark hesitated for a moment.

“Tell you what mate, why don't you just get away from all that and come up here?”

“What?”

“You could catch a flight in the morning and come up here for a day or two. Clear your head.”

“To Queanbeyan? To your parents'?” Sebastian couldn't believe he'd really ask that.

“Yeah mate, why not? It's not that far.”

These things were relative in Australia.

“You can pick up a flight to Canberra easy enough.”

“You're kidding?”

Mark was a little taken aback. “No. Why would I be?”

“Erm, don't your parents kind of hate me?”

“They don't hate you Seb. Of course they don't.”

Sebastian wasn't convinced; he had seen some looks from Mark's father last year that he thought contradicted that declaration.

“I dunno,” Seb havered. He did like the idea of getting somewhere nice and far away from all this, and seeing Mark of course.

 

“I'll look up the details for you,” breezed Mark.

 

Sebastian wasn't sure at what point in the conversation he'd actually agreed to go.

 

“Will you at least _ask_ your parents first?” insisted Sebastian.

“Sure. But it wont be an issue Seb, they love having people over.”

Sebastian wasn't sure they were going to love having _him_ there.

“...but of course, I'll speak to them.” And he'd make sure that they made Seb feel welcome too.

 

 

Mark had mentioned to his parents that he and Sebastian had made up since he'd left the team, but he'd rather circumvented the fact that Seb had been staying with him for the past few months. Mark was going to have to find a way to explain that without giving away Sebastian's real reasons for needing a place to stay.

“I'll send you a text later with the details and we can sort stuff out when you're back at the hotel.”

Seb nodded dumbly at the phone.

“Seb?”

“Umm, yeah alright.”

“Speak later then.”

“Okay.”

 

Seb hung up, frowning to himself. He still couldn't quite work out how it was he'd been talked into this.

 

 

 

By late morning the next day, Sebastian found himself walking through Canberra airport looking out for Mark who'd insisted on meeting him.

He caught sight of him leaning up against a pillar grinning at him.

“You look like you're in disguise mate,” Mark teased.

Sebastian was dressed in entirely anonymous clothing, sunglasses on, plain cap tucked down. He wasn't sure why, but he didn't want to be seen by anyone.

Seb removed his sunglasses and smiled at Mark trying not to look nervous.

“Where's the rest of your stuff?” enquired Mark.

Seb only had his hold-all with him.

“Oh the team took it all.”

“Hm, right. Did you tell them where you were off to then?”

“Just Christian.”

Mark nodded. He wondered what Christian had made of that.

 

Mark took him out to the estate car he'd borrowed from his parents. It felt very homey and comfortable – a world away from the flash cars and showiness of the paddock at Albert Park that Sebastian had left behind.

 

 

That sense of comfort disappeared the moment they pulled up at Mark's family home.

“You're _sure_ they're okay with this?” worried Sebastian.

“Of course Seb. Don't worry, alright. They're perfectly nice people.”

“I'm sure they are Mark, I just...” Seb tried to ignore the knot in his stomach. “What did you tell them, about us?”

 

'Us'? There's an _'us'?_   Sebastian wished he hadn't phrased it like that.

 _'Us'?_ Thought Mark. What did _that_ mean?

 

“I just said we'd got over our difficulties by the end of last year and are friends now,” explained Mark.

“And they just accepted that?”

“Yeah Seb, it's not _that_ outrageous an idea you know.”

Mark wondered if they weren't making things rather more difficult than they needed to be by not just telling everyone this.

“And I said you've been staying at mine while you needed to be close to the factory this winter,” he finished.

He'd felt bad not telling them the whole truth, but Seb's past was not something he had any right to share, and this was at least partly true.

“So then, we actually gonna get out of this car and go in, or what?”

“Sure,” agreed Seb, feeling anything but.

 

 

 

It was awkward at first, but Alan and Diane were so welcoming, despite clearly being a little surprised at the situation. Seb found himself relaxing and forgetting about the worries of racing. Mark's parents were great people, it was clear why Mark had turned out the way he had.

 

Being with Mark's family made Seb think about his own. Sebastian resolved to call his parents once he got back. It had been such a long time since he'd seen them at Christmas and although he'd briefly been in touch a few times since then, he really ought to properly explain to them what was going on in his life, at least as much as Mark had to his parents. If they could accept that he and Mark were now friends and that he was staying with him, surely his own parents might react with similar equanimity. It would feel better to know that he wasn't keeping things from them. Not so many things anyway.

 

 

As it turned out, a few days away from everything was the perfect respite for Seb. Mark had been right as usual, he acknowledged. Here he could forget all about his problems and the pressures weighing down on him and take advantage of a relaxed family environment.

Sebastian reckoned the runs out he took with Mark counteracted the odd beer sunk whilst sat in the Webber's sunny back garden. He even let Diane mother him a little with home-cooked meals and a bit of TLC.

 

Seb couldn't believe they accepted him so readily, he'd been worrying over nothing just as Mark had said. Sebastian wondered if maybe this open, simple approach to life was a particularly Australian characteristic; Daniel was like that too. It seemed like a good way to go through life.

Seb mused that it would probably take a good long while for him living in this environment before he could mange to adjust and take on such a loosened up attitude to the world.

He wouldn't have that chance though. They could only afford a couple of days here before catching a flight back to England and heading back to reality.

In truth, it didn't really make sense to go all the way back to the UK for a few days before turning around and heading out again to Malaysia, but Sebastian would take the disruption and extra hours spent travelling as the price he paid for a few days spent at home with Mark and the dogs.

 

Besides, he wanted to fit in a session with Dr. Menton before he went racing again.

The last time had been a disaster. He'd rushed telling Henry about what had happened to him with Heikki and let out all his pent up feelings about it in one go, losing control and probably giving his therapist the impression that he was a complete basket-case.

It would be good to have a calm talk about things. Seb thought he could manage that now, and he was confident enough that Dr. Menton would handle things okay. He actually felt bad that he'd thrown all that at him all at once without warning; Even as Sebastian had slipped into panic-mode he'd registered the shock on his therapist's face.

Dr. Menton had apologised for letting the session get out of hand when he'd talked Sebastian down as they sat outside in the fresh air while Seb got himself together, and Sebastian didn't like to think that Henry might have been worrying about him in the meantime.

 

 

 

Before they knew it, their break was over and Sebastian and Mark were being dropped off at the airport by Mark's parents. Alan hauled their bags out of the back whilst Diane hugged both of them goodbye. She hadn't hesitated before including Seb. They waved them off and the pair headed into the airport to catch their connecting flight to Melbourne.

 

Alan turned to Diane in the car before they departed.

“So what do you reckon then?” asked Alan.

“Well I don't know dear, it's so difficult to tell. Mark's always been very hard to read.”

“I'm sure there's something going on with those two,” speculated Alan.

 

Behind closed doors they'd discussed the matter a number of times over the past few days. They hadn't interrogated Mark, as they hadn't wanted to make him feel uncomfortable, but the closeness of the pair had been only too obvious once you got past the shock that the two were even friends at all.

It was so rare that Mark brought anyone home that Diane had forbidden Alan from pressing him on the subject, she was merely glad that her son seemed happy.

 

“Do you think we should have put them in the same room?” wondered Diane.

Mark's parents had never had any problem with his sexuality. As far as they were concerned, it was only a shame that Mark had always felt that it was best that he withheld that part of himself from the world, but Mark didn't want the hassle or the publicity and if he wanted to keep his private life private then they respected his decision.

 

“Oh I don't know love, if they'd wanted that he could have said.” Alan shrugged. “Who knows. I guess he'll say if he wants to. To be honest, I'm still amazed at seeing them together at all. I'd never have called that. I thought he couldn't stand Sebastian.”

“Things change,” mused Diane. “I think he's a nice boy really. He's obviously under a lot of strain at the moment.”

“Well that's the world of Formula One for you. I think it's maybe a good thing Mark's out of all that now.”

“Yes, true,” admitted Diane.

She'd hated seeing her son upset by things last year and when he'd come to see them and told his family of his decision to retire and move back to endurance racing, the primary emotion his mother had felt had been relief.

“I guess things are different now that Mark's no longer racing against him,” suggested Alan, “Mark always said it was difficult being team-mates with someone, but those two... I mean, it seemed like whenever you saw them, they were always at each other's throats.”

 

Diane raised an eyebrow and descended into uproarious laughter.

“Bloody hell Di, that's our _son_ we're talking about!”

Alan rolled his eyes and shook his head. “ _Honestly_...” but he smiled despite himself.

 

Whatever was going on, Mark seemed to be in a good place these days and that was all that really mattered. They pulled away and headed home feeling content that they'd find out the truth when the time was right.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there you go. That must be good mustn't it? 
> 
> Surely everything will get better from here on in?
> 
>  
> 
> What do you think..?


	11. Fly Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things are just ancient history

 

Sebastian spent the fly-away period of the season dashing back and forth from the UK to various parts of the other side of the world.

It didn't make sense, logically speaking, and he was aware that he was giving the RedBull's logistics team something of a headache, but he didn't really care. It did him good to get back whenever he could. It was always better to see Mark in person rather than rely on talking to him over the phone and he genuinely missed the dogs and the English countryside when he was off in exotic climes; They calmed Seb and centred him and reminded him that there was more to life than analysing lap times and car handling. Seb always felt better at home after finding himself getting wound up and snappy at the team after a bad couple of days.

 

Seb was prioritising seeing his therapist as well. Although he'd have never have believed it when he first started going, the sessions had become essential to his (relative) stability going forward. It was reassuring to hear Dr. Menton tell him that he wasn't weak minded for thinking the way he did about things and be told (over and over again) that he wasn't to blame for the terrible things that had happened to him.

Mark had told him the same thing often enough, but a second opinion helped dispel some, if not all, of Seb's fears.

Sometimes Sebastian returned from a session and repeated what he'd told Henry almost word for word to Mark later in the evening. Other times he didn't share what had gone on at all. It wasn't always related to the subject matter, sometimes Sebastian just felt too wrung out by it all to go over it again. Mark never made more than a brief enquiry as to how things had gone to try to gauge how Seb was doing and then let him decide if he wanted to take it any further.

 

Things were still going well enough sharing the house. Both Mark and Sebastian had caught themselves accidentally referring to it as 'our' house more than once, but most of the time they deliberately avoided considering the matter too closely and the unspoken agreement that the arrangement was indefinite went unchallenged. Neither one of them would ever have believed that they could jog along so easily in the same space. The odd row that did blow up was always resolved by Mark's unending patience and the underlying understanding on both sides that when they disagreed about something it was either unimportant or not really about the subject that it was about on the surface at all, and that seemed to get them through.

 

Mark's preparations for his own racing season stepped up and there were occasionally times when he was the one who was away and Sebastian was left alone in the house. Seb continued their established routine of training and looking after the dogs and the time always passed easily enough until Mark returned.

 

It was during one of these periods that Sebastian had one his most difficult meetings with Dr. Menton. He'd arrived feeling slightly more vulnerable, as he always did when Mark was away.

 

“You're early,” commented Dr. Menton as he showed him in.

“Ah well, _German_ , you know. I came to put my towel down on the couch before anyone else got here,” joked Sebastian.

Henry sat down opposite him.

“You do that a lot, do you realise?”

“Hmm?” asked Seb, not quite sure what he was referring to.

“Make jokes when you feel uncomfortable, usually at your own expense. It's generally a self-defence mechanism. Are you aware that you do that?”

“Is having a sense of humour a problem?” asked Seb slightly defensively. It was one of the few areas of his personality that people actually liked.

“No, of course not. Humour is great. It's just worth recognising what it is you're doing and why.”

“Fine,” conceded Seb. “Probably. Yes. I guess it's easier answering people's questions sometimes if they're on your side a bit from the start.”

 

It didn't always work though, most journalists were pretty tenacious and there were always going to be those who he couldn't win over, however much he tried to charm them.

 

“And have you always done that do you think?” asked Dr. Menton.

Sebastian shrugged. He'd honestly never thought about it. Being funny had always been a part of his make-up, he didn't even think he consciously made the choice, it was automatic.

 

“Were you like this at school?” pressed Dr. Menton.

Sebastian pulled a non-committal face.

“You must have been away a lot for your racing. I would think that would have disrupted your ability to maintain friendships with your classmates. Perhaps making them laugh was a way to regain their affection?”

“Perhaps,” acknowledged Seb.

“Did you find it difficult going between the two environments?”

“Hmm?”

“Racing and school, was it hard to adjust?”

“No not really. I don't think so.”

“And leaving your family behind so young. How was that?”

“It was okay. They always supported me.”

Dr. Menton looked at Sebastian. He was deflecting again.

“That's not what I meant, Seb. I meant how was it for you? It's a very young age to cope with such pressures and to learn to be independent.”

“I just sort of did it. I had to really.”

“You had to?”

“I wanted to. I loved racing.”

“And the pressures?”

 

Sebastian shrugged. His family had been so supportive. They'd given up so much for him, focussed so much of the whole family around giving him the opportunity to fulfil his dreams. How could he ever let them down?

“You just learn to deal with it I guess.”

“And if you had bad results, how did you deal with that?”

“Just try harder next time. Work out what I'd done wrong. Make sure I improved.”

It really had been so much simpler when Sebastian had been younger.

 

“And what about how you felt? Did you feel you had to hide your disappointments from your family?”

“Maybe.”

“And as you got older, did you internalise things more?”

“Internalise?” queried Sebastian. His English was excellent, but not infallible.

“Hide inside how you really felt.”

“Oh. I guess.”

Sebastian always wondered how it was that Henry seemed to capable of looking right inside him.

 

“And you said you were part of a driver programme, yes?”

“Yes.”

“From what age?”

“Twelve.”

Sebastian really had been a precocious talent.

“That's a remarkably young age at which to commit to your future.”

Sebastian just nodded. At the time he'd been so thrilled, but looking back it had been a very young point to go from enjoying karting as a hobby and things becoming so serious.

“I presume the programme included areas away from racing such as dealing with the media.”

“Yes.”

“Learning to say the right thing?”

“Yeah.”

“Learning to say what they wanted you to say and not showing how you really felt,” emphasised Dr. Menton.

Sebastian understood where he was going now.

“I suppose so.”

“Can you see how that might be unhealthy?”

“I guess. I didn't really have much choice though.”

“No, you didn't,” confirmed Henry.

Sebastian had been molded from a very early stage into becoming the perfect racing driver.

 

“And I presume you learnt early on to hide other aspects of yourself from the world?”

“What do you mean?” A small frown crowded between Seb's brows. He didn't like where this was going.

“Well for example, I'm guessing you learnt early on that being homosexual wasn't something that you let anyone know in that world.”

Sebastian sat up straight.

“But I... you...”

He'd never told Henry that he was gay. How did he know? Was it so obvious? Was it just because Henry was a psychologist and it was his job to be able to read people?

“I never said, I never said that...” stammered Sebastian nervously.

“Forgive me Sebastian. I just assumed. Am I incorrect?”

Seb sat in silence for a moment. Why was it a problem Henry knew? He wasn't ashamed of his sexuality was he?

“No. I... You're not incorrect.”

“Okay. I knew you weren't out. I presumed that was because of your job. Do you have issues around that generally?”

Issues. _Issues._ How could Seb not have issues around that?

Sebastian sighed. “It's not so easy, you know?”

“I can imagine. Does anyone know?”

“Some.”

“Your family?”

“No.” How could he disappoint them like that? They thought he was perfect. He couldn't allow them to see how wrong they were.

Dr. Menton nodded regretfully.

“That must be difficult.”

“I don't really see them all that much these days,” admitted Sebastian. “I mean I'm travelling most of the time, and they've never really come to races with me that often.”

“And is that your call or theirs?” asked Henry.

Sebastian just shrugged. It had been that way since he was young. He'd just got used to being on his own.

 

“And growing up. Did you tell anyone?”

Sebastian shook his head. How on earth was he meant to have done that?

“I'm sure that was hard. You didn't have anyone you could confide in? A friend maybe?”

Sebastian stared down at the rug on the floor. He had thought he'd had someone like that, but he'd messed it up so badly.

“I thought I did, but...”

“You tried to tell them? Did they not handle it well?”

“I tried to kiss him,” confessed Seb.

 

Oh god, it was still such a mortifying memory. He'd been so nervous. Sixteen years old and still incredibly naïve about life. They'd been in the kitchen at a party; Seb had found some schnapps to drink and between the pair of them they'd worked their way through half the bottle. They were giggling to themselves and standing too close together. No one else was around.

He really had been far too close, and Sebastian had been sure, so _sure,_ that it was deliberate. He could feel his breath on his face and everything seemed to stop for a moment as he looked into his eyes trying to decide whether he was brave enough to make a move.

The air was warm and it seemed to crackle with tension as Seb had moved in and kissed him. At first everything was wonderful and he'd kissed Seb back and Sebastian was flooded with relief as he thought he was finally getting what he'd wanted for so long, but then he abruptly pulled away and shoved Sebastian up against the kitchen cabinet.

“What the fuck! What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing? You're disgusting! Why did you do that to me? What's wrong with you? Are you some kind of fag? I'll tell people you did that!”

 

Sebastian had been so shocked and horrified that he hadn't managed any kind of response. He'd stumbled out of the back door and thrown up repeatedly in the backyard until his stomach was empty of the alcohol and anything else he'd consumed in the last twenty-four hours and he was struggling to stand, tears streaming down his face.

Somehow he'd made his way back through the house, avoiding eye-contact with the other party-goers. He didn't see his 'friend' anywhere and he wouldn't have been capable of saying anything to him if he had. That friendship was over. Sebastian made his way home and slunk into his bedroom without his parents even realising he was back.

 

“He rejected you,” read Dr. Menton.

Sebastian nodded miserably.

“It's not unusual.”

“I really thought he liked me,” said Seb quietly.

“You may have been right.”

“He did, I mean, he kissed me back a bit and then he didn't. He was so angry with me.” Sebastian still felt such a weight inside his chest. “I shouldn't have done it.”

“Teenagers experiment Sebastian, you don't need to feel guilty about it. He may well have been even more confused about his feelings than you were.”

“He was my best friend,” said Sebastian, feeling as though his heart was breaking all over again just from the memory.

“And afterwards?”

“No,” Seb shook his head. After that their friendship was destroyed. They couldn't even look at one another in school in the weeks following that disastrous party.

“I imagine that was incredibly hurtful.”

Sebastian just shrugged. Of course it had been.

 

“And after that, was there anyone else? At school, or from your racing?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. From _racing?_ Hardly. That could have ruined his career in one fell swoop.

“That wasn't really possible,” Seb explained. “There was a girl, Hanna, we were sort of friends and people assumed we were going out, but we weren't. I just kind of let people believe that.”

“That's not unusual. But nothing happened with her?”

“No.”

“And no other boys in school?”

“God no!”

Seb had been terrified that people would find out what had happened at the party, he wasn't going to risk that again.

 

“So what did you do then?”

“I used to sneak into clubs.”

“Clubs?”

“Yeah there were a couple not too far away.”

“How old were you?”

Sebastian shrugged again, “Sixteen, seventeen, I guess.”

Dr. Menton internally shook his head. Sebastian looked young now, how young must he have looked at that age? What kind of responsible nightclub allowed an obviously under-age kid into such a potentially dangerous environment?

 

“And you did you meet people there?”

Sebastian nodded. “I was so nervous. They used to buy me drinks.”

 

 _I'll bet they did,_ thought Henry angrily.

 

“The men you met there, they were older than you?”

Sebastian nodded confirmation. They hadn't always been that much older, but they'd always seemed to know what they were doing. Sebastian hadn't had a clue.

“You must have found yourself in some risky situations.”

 

A lamb thrown to the wolves, thought Henry.

 

Sebastian just gave a tight shrug and stared very hard at a spot on the rug where a hole was wearing through.

“I guess.”

“Did anything bad happen?” Henry was sadly sure the answer going to be affirmative.

Sebastian shrugged again. “Sometimes. I...” he swallowed, “I thought they were nice guys and it turned out they weren't.”

“They mistreated you?”

“I just, I... Sometimes I found myself back at their place and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to get out of things. I didn't know how to say no.”

 

Dr. Menton nodded. It was all too predictable.

“Did they hurt you?”

Sebastian felt his chest tighten, his blood was ice in his veins. He didn't want to think about this. It was all so long ago. What did it matter now? He gave the slightest of shrugs and concentrated on breaking off a bit of broken nail on one of his fingers.

 

“Seb?”

He half-closed his eyes.

“Sometimes. Sometimes I don't think they meant to, but they did anyway...”

“And sometimes they deliberately hurt you?”

Sebastian felt hot all over.

“Sometimes...”

Seb tried to keep himself calm. He wasn't going to lose it.

“I'm sorry Sebastian.”

“It wasn't your fault.”

“I'm still sorry it happened.”

 

“Yeah, well...” a shrug. Another shrug. What was there to say? Sebastian took a deep intake of breath.

“And you kept going back?”

“I don't know. I think maybe I was trying to prove to myself I could handle things. That I was a grown-up. Pretty stupid.”

“Not stupid Sebastian. Unfortunate. But not stupid. You were too young. You shouldn't have been in those situations.”

“It was my own fault.”

“Seb, it wasn't your fault. You were too young to handle that sort of thing. They were exploiting you.”

“I let them,” admitted Sebastian, still breathing too heavily.

“They were older than you. You were under-age, and I don't believe for a moment they didn't _know_ that Sebastian. It was their responsibility. Not yours, Seb. _Not_ yours.”

Sebastian felt like something was going to snap in his chest in a moment.

 

The bit of nail he'd been fiddling with broke off entirely, a little too low. It was bleeding.

“Ow.”

“Are you alright?”

Sebastian felt as though he'd been snapped out of it. “Yeah, just my nail. Sorry. I'm okay.”

 

Dr. Menton went to get him a plaster and a glass of water. He returned with them and then opened the window to let some fresh air in.

Sebastian fixed the plaster onto his finger and sipped the water. The activity distracted him for a few moments and his breathing returned to normal.

 

“I was just a stupid kid. We all do stupid things when we're young I suppose.”

Henry fixed him with a steady gaze.

“Sebastian, you have to stop blaming yourself for all the things that have happened to you. We can make bad choices in life and still not be to blame for the consequences.”

Seb just looked back at him. He wasn't sure that was a logical conclusion.

 

“Do you understand what I'm saying?” asked Dr. Menton.

Sebastian was a very difficult case; he could be as stubborn as a mule.

“I dunno. I suppose I was very young then.”

“Were you racing at that time?” wondered Dr. Menton.

Sebastian snorted an ironic laugh.

“Yeah. It was a great year.”

“In racing terms?”

“Yeah.”

“You learnt to separate out your personal difficulties from your professional life.”

“They weren't related.” Seb was very clear on this point. There was no crossover in his mind.

 

“I see,” said Dr. Menton. Sebastian had a remarkable ability to compartmentalise his life.

“And did this go on for a long time?”

“I don't know really. I started travelling abroad more for races, there was school and training and I guess I didn't have time.”

“Perhaps you realised how self-destructive it was?” tried Dr. Menton.

Sebastian gave a bitter little laugh. “I don't think I was that bright. I just didn't have time for it.”

 

“And after that then, did things improve in your personal life?”

It was Sebastian's turn to give him a look. What were the odds?

“Not so much,” he said, feeling a deadness inside.

 

He wasn't going to let all that hurt him any more. He could just say the words and tell Henry what he wanted to hear and he wouldn't feel anything, he wouldn't feel it, he _wouldn't_ feel it. It was all just ancient history.

All the screwed up attempts at early relationships; Older guys who'd taken advantage of his naïvety, used him and thrown him aside; 'Casual' relationships that casually broke Seb's heart; Not knowing what to do and letting other people take control, only to find they carelessly walked all over him, leaving him to one side to let a new person move in and take what they wanted from Seb, over and over again until he lost all concept of what a relationship ought to be and he was broken enough inside for Heikki to see all too easily just how primed he was to be abused.

 

He'd only ever really hinted at all this darkness in his past to Mark. It was the only time he'd ever admitted it to anyone.

 

 

By the time he was finished talking, Seb felt exhausted and he was breathing so slowly he thought he might just stop altogether.

 

“Are you alright Sebastian?”

Dr. Menton was concerned. Seb hadn't lost control this time, but he was leaning forward, his head dipped slightly as if he wasn't properly conscious.

“Sebastian?” He said more loudly.

“Yeah. I'm okay.”

He didn't sound too good though.

“Do you want me to call Mark for you?”

“He's not there. He's away with work.”

  
Sebastian felt empty. As though he'd turned himself inside out. There was nothing more to feel. He couldn't even feel sad that Mark wasn't around.

 

Dr. Menton made no mention of the fact that their session had run over by nearly double the allotted length. He'd let Sebastian talk for as long as he needed to.

“Are you sure you'll be alright?”

“Yeah, I'm okay,” Seb confirmed dully.

Dr. Menton still wasn't convinced, but he let Seb go with a promise that he'd take his time driving home and look after himself. There wasn't a lot else he could do.

 

 

Seb arrived home and got no further than feeding the dogs and curling up on the sofa in the lounge before he fell asleep. It wasn't yet 6pm.

He was still there when Mark arrived back, much earlier than expected.

 

Mark pulled the blanket from the back of the sofa across Seb and left him there while he sorted himself out and got some food.

 

When Mark came back into the lounge Sebastian was still fast asleep. Mark knew he'd been at his therapy session earlier. He hoped it had gone okay. Seb's cheeks were flushed, but Mark couldn't read any more than that. It was no good him sleeping here though.

 

Mark gently woke Sebastian up.

“Hey, mate, you can't sleep here. You'll do your neck.”

He ducked down and gave his elbow a little shake.

“Seb, wake up.”

Sebastian's eyes blinked open and he took a sudden deep inhale.

Mark was there. But Mark _wasn't_ there. He was still in Germany. Seb was dreaming.

“Hey Seb, you with it?” Mark tipped his head into Sebastian's line of vision for a moment.

 

Sebastian suddenly sat up and slung his arms around Mark, pressing his face tightly into his shoulder.

Mark got over his surprise and wrapped his arms back around Seb. Something had happened. Not a good session. He should have known.

“You're alright mate, okay.”

Mark gave Sebastian a squeeze. He wasn't going to ask him now. He'd just make sure Seb was alright and get him to bed. He'd be alright. They could talk in the morning if he wanted to. They'd been through this so many times now. Seb was still half asleep. He needed some rest and they'd get through it, whatever it was now.

 

 

  
Mark had learnt to cope with Seb being very up and down following a bad session or a difficult race.

Malaysia had gone well after their stay at Mark's parents, but Bahrain coming almost immediately after that hadn't allowed them enough time to re-set back at home and Seb had gone into it tired and bad-tempered, struggling to keep his usual genial personality in place when he was in the media spotlight and he'd got himself into trouble by criticising the new regulations. He knew it looked as though he was just complaining because he had lost his previous advantage, but he couldn't help himself.

 

Then in the race Seb's worst fear came true when Rocky came through on the radio asking him to move over to let his team-mate pass because he was holding him up:

“Daniel is quicker than you.”

He heard those words in his sleep.

 

It was so difficult to discuss this with Mark because team-orders, much as they'd moved on, still remained a sore point in their history.

Sebastian hated that he'd given in so meekly and not fought for position on track against Dan, but he knew that he'd been on a different strategy, and really what was the point? The media were all over him for it though, and he hated to think that it meant that he was demonstrating how broken his spirit was these days.

 

It was perhaps no surprise that when the same situation arose during the following race in China, Seb had struggled to obey team-orders to move aside so readily. Afterwards he was vilified by the same media who only two weeks earlier had questioned why he'd given in so easily.

He lost either way: he either appeared weak and wasn't a proper racer, or he defied the team and was selfish and unrealistic. He couldn't win.

 

Back in his room in the motor-home he tortured himself watching the post-race coverage on TV: _“Tough luck.”_

How peevish and immature he sounded. He hated the sound of his own voice.

 

He had to wait hours before he could speak to Mark. He was racing at Silverstone that weekend.

Sebastian managed to find a stream on the internet and watched the last part of the race on his laptop in his hotel room after the distinctly uncomfortable team debrief had been completed at the track.

 

“Hey Mark, well done.”

Sebastian was determined to give Mark the congratulations he deserved before bringing things down with his own problems.

“Thanks mate.”

“Really Mark, that's terrific; podium on your very first race, I'm so pleased for you.”

And he really was; Mark deserved all the success he could get, he'd been working towards this all year and a 3rd place finish in his very first race with Porsche was a fantastic result.

“How was it?” asked Sebastian, encouraging Mark to share how excited he was at how his début had gone.

 

“Weather's filthy though,” finished Mark after running through the events of the day.

“Ah well, England in April...”

 

Sebastian was doing a fair job of losing himself in Mark's success and forgetting his own problems.

“At least you're close to home.”

“Yeah mate, very glad about that. I'm gonna shoot off in a minute, head back.”

 

Sebastian wished he could be home so quickly. It would be late the next day before he returned.

Mark had noticed Seb had avoided all discussion of his own race.

“How was your day?”

Mark had managed to catch some of the race before his stint in the car, but there had been a lot of pre-race preparation to go through and he hadn't managed to properly follow Seb's progress.

“Least said I think really,” replied Seb trying to sound reasonable about what had felt like a far worse result.

“Fifth's not so bad,” Mark commented.

“From _third_ though.”

Sebastian hated how whiny he sounded. He felt like that all the time at the moment, no wonder people disliked him.

“No one likes going backwards.”

“No. Well...” Seb puffed out a breath.

What was the point in getting into it now. He was so tired. He'd waited up into the early hours to speak to Mark and he wasn't sure his brain was currently awake enough to discuss things reasonably.

“I think I've fucked up with the team again,” Seb admitted.

“I heard,” admitted Mark.

The motorsport world was a small community and word travelled fast even in different categories on the other side of the world.

“I can't do right, whatever I do,” sighed Sebastian.

“It's not that bad Seb. Look, we'll talk when you get back, alright? Why don't you get some sleep, you must be knackered.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and let out another long breath. He _was_ tired, it seemed as if he was permanently tired these days.

“Yeah okay.”

It was only a few hours before Seb had to be up again to start sorting himself out to fly back.

“I'll see you tomorrow, okay? We'll talk then Seb. Try not to stress out about things. It doesn't sound like such a big deal to me. Yeah?”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow then.”

Seb hung up and fell asleep with his phone still in his hand.

 

 

Once home, things didn't seem quite so bad. They never did. Mark was always so reasonable about things Sebastian couldn't help but listen to him.

 

 

Seb started to worry about the fact he was so reliant on Mark. What if something happened and he couldn't rely on him any more? Seb knew he'd be lost and the thought terrified him.

 

Seb raised his concerns with Dr. Menton.

“Do you think I rely on Mark too much?”

“I don't know that I can answer that for you Sebastian. He's clearly very important to you.”

Seb sighed, he didn't know how to ask the question properly and he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

“But do you think it's bad for me that I'm so dependant on him?”

“I think it matters less that you _are_ dependant on someone, but that that person is someone you _can_ depend on,” answered Dr. Menton.

For a moment Seb though he was talking in riddles, then he saw what he meant.

“Oh, right...”

“Is Mark someone you can depend on, do you think Sebastian?”

“Yes.”

There was no doubt in Seb's mind on that score.

 

“Good. Well I'm very glad to hear it. You've been living together for a while now. Ever since...”

“Yes,” interrupted Seb. No need to go there again right now.

“And you're just friends?”

Not _just_ , but yes friends.

“Yes.”

 

“I see. Well if concerns you that you feel so reliant on other people, perhaps you should take some steps towards restoring your independence?”

“What do you mean?”

“You're staying at his house. Is that a permanent arrangement?”

 

Sebastian didn't know how to answer that. Nearly four months and they'd still never openly discussed the matter.

“Have you thought about moving out, getting your own place?”

 

Technically Sebastian still had his own place. He'd not sold his house in Switzerland. It currently sat unused, his belongings gathering dust.

  
“No, not really.”

Why did that idea scare him so much?

“Well I'm not saying that you definitely should, but maybe think about it. If it's bothering you that you're overly dependant on Mark?”

“Yeah maybe,” agreed Sebastian.

 

Seb hadn't thought that this was how the conversation would go. He'd thought Henry would reassure him, help him stop worrying about it, but now he didn't know what to think.

  
Was it time he moved out? Would Mark be happy to see him go? Seb knew he put a lot on him and Mark never complained. He never even asked him for any contribution towards living there other than Seb picking up the bill for groceries every other time, and that had only happened because Sebastian had insisted on it.

Maybe it was time that Seb let Mark get back to the life he'd had before Sebastian had turned up on his doorstep. Mark had never really had any choice about Seb intruding into his life in the first place. Seb couldn't help wondering if deep down he resented him for it? He knew he was a lot of trouble. Might Mark be glad to see the back of Sebastian, let his life revert back to normal?

 

By the time Seb arrived home he'd talked himself into thinking that he _had_ to move out.

 

“Mark, I've been thinking,”

“Hmm?”

Mark was busy preparing dinner.

“I think maybe I should move out.”

Mark stopped dead.

“What?” Mark turned around, he tried to keep any emotion out of his voice.

“Well, Henry thinks... I mean I think, I don't know...”

Sebastian didn't know how to phrase it without it sounding strange. How did you tell a person you were afraid you relied on them too much without them misinterpreting what you meant?

“...I just think maybe it's time.”

“Oh.” Mark tried not to sound hurt.

“I think maybe it would be good for me. You know? To get my independence back a bit. I don't mean going back to Switzerland.”

“Right.”

 

Mark didn't know what to say. How could he tell Seb he didn't want him to move out?

Was it wrong of him to want Seb to stay? Selfish of him? Maybe Seb was right, maybe it would be good for him to be more independent? Maybe Mark was letting Seb be too reliant on him? _Making_ him reliant on him? Maybe he was holding him back from properly rebuilding his life. Seb wasn't a child. He _should_ be independent. Maybe he _should_ move out? Shouldn't Mark be glad that Sebastian felt he'd reached the stage where he could do that?

 

“Mark?”

“Yeah mate. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.”

Seb nodded. He tried not to let Mark see he was disappointed he hadn't tried to talk him out of it.

“Henry thinks it might be a good idea.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Perhaps he's right.”

 

Mark turned back to sorting out the ingredients on the kitchen worktop. He didn't want Seb to see the pain and confusion he was feeling.

The novelty of hearing what Henry thought on every subject had long since worn off. Seb obviously cared a lot more about what Henry thought than he did about Mark.

 

  
Mark couldn't know that thirty-five miles away in Oxford, Dr. Henry Menton was sat in his room giving serious consideration to starting a tally chart to count the number of times Mark's name came up in Sebastian's therapy sessions.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Lip wobbles*


	12. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Easier said than done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering, a good part of this chapter is inspired by this picture:  
> http://sports.ndtv.com/formula-1/blogs/jepher-christopher-nickels/224531-sebastian-vettel-is-down-but-not-out

 

Once Sebastian had said he was thinking of moving out and Mark had totally failed to try to talk him out of it, he hadn't really felt in any position to back out of the idea, however much it scared him.

He mentioned to Christian that he was looking for his own place, suggesting that he thought it might be a good idea to stay local so that he was close to the factory.

Christian found himself in the peculiar position of being surprised that he was surprised; Although once upon a time he would never have believed it, Sebastian had seemed very settled living with Mark. He wondered if maybe something had happened to cause Seb to want to move out, but he didn't ask and instead put Sebastian in touch with someone in the team who could help him sort it all out.

 

Things started to move fast once the wheels were set in motion, and within days Sebastian found himself visiting potential houses to rent in area.

Far sooner than he had intended, Seb found a small cottage that he'd liked from the moment he'd seen the picture on the estate agent's website. It was cosy and warm looking and very English and that appealed to him. The minute he walked into the kitchen it felt like home and he'd signed the paperwork before he knew it.

 

Mark had been secretly relieved that Sebastian had chosen to look for a place nearby. He didn't even bother pretending to himself that it was because he thought it was a good idea that Seb would be near the factory, and that it would allow him to stay closely involved in the team and help the car's development in this difficult season (although he did), he knew it was because he wanted him close.

When Seb called him sounding pleased that he'd found somewhere, Mark hopped in his car to come take a look and found that the twelve mile distance took less than twenty minutes. That wasn't too bad.

 

  
Soon Sebastian was arranging for his possessions to be shipped over from Switzerland, packing up the few items he had at Mark's and holding the key to his new house that was still attached to the landlord's paperwork.

Sebastian had thought about asking Mark to give him a hand moving, but he decided that might rather defeat the object of him being 'independent', so he piled his things into the car and was setting off alone.

 

Seb patted the dogs and promised them he'd still see them. Mark laughed and asked if he was going to get the same treatment.

Seb went to smile, but looking at Mark there he suddenly felt overwhelmed; Sebastian was stood on the front step of Mark's house, right where he'd washed up nearly five months earlier.

 

“I have no idea how I'm supposed to thank you for having me stay Mark, for all you've done for me.”

Seb's voice caught. He didn't want to spoil this by crying like a baby, he was meant to be showing how much better he was doing, how he was moving on.

“No need mate, really. It's fine. I've liked having you stay. It's going to feel really quiet around here now.” 

Mark couldn't tell Sebastian just how empty that idea left him feeling.

“I'm really going to miss you,” said Seb before he had chance to change his mind.

Mark gave a dry laugh, “It's not goodbye Seb, you're only going to be up the road. We'll see each other all the time.”

He wasn't sure if he was reassuring Seb or himself.

 

“Maybe I could come around and walk the dogs with you sometimes?”

“Of course. All the time if you want. I'm going to need you to do it when I'm away at Le Mans anyway.”

“Right.” Sebastian knew he was being silly. They'd still see each other.

“You're sure you don't want a hand sorting things out today?” asked Mark, for what must have been the fourth or fifth time that day.

“I've hardly got anything to sort out really. Most of my stuff wont arrive for days.”

It was a good job the place came part-furnished or he'd be sleeping on the floor until the delivery men turned up.

“Well, _then_ maybe.”

“Yeah, I might ask you to come help lug around some of the bigger boxes,” half-joked Sebastian.

“No problem, you do that.”

 

Sebastian knew he was dragging things out. He should just go. He was probably making it more painful by delaying things. He would see Mark plenty, he just wouldn't be living with him any more. He'd still be really very close by, they'd see each other all the time, almost every day when they were both around maybe.

 

“I'd better go,” said Seb.

“Righto. Well... Give me a shout later eh? Let me know you're alright.”

“Sure.”

 

They both stood there for a moment feeling strange and wondering if they weren't making a bigger deal of this than it really warranted.

Seb slid his arms around Mark and gave him a hug.

Mark hugged him back. He should be proud of him. Seb was moving on with his life and that was good. He should be pleased. He squeezed Sebastian a little tighter and then let him go.

 

The dogs were hanging around Sebastian's car. Mark called them back.

“These guys are going to be sad without you. You'd better keep your promise to come and walk them or they'll pine.”

“Course I will.”

Sebastian gave Shadow & Simba a last little rub each and then tore himself away.

 

Seb waved from the car and pulled out of the driveway looking far cheerier than he felt.

 

Mark turned back into the house and dipped down to make a fuss over the dogs.

“We'll see him all the time boys, alright. All the time...”

 

 

Sebastian let himself into his new house and tried to concentrate on busily sorting things out; bringing his few possessions in from the car and putting them where they now belonged. He left some things out to try to make the place look a bit more lived in and wished his television was here so he could switch it on and it wouldn't be so quiet.

He went upstairs to the what was now his bedroom and found one of Mark's hoodies that he'd 'forgotten' to give back and pulled it on. It was too big, but he liked that. It reminded him of Mark and it felt a little like having him there.

 

Not enough though. Seb felt horribly lonely in this empty house. At least when Mark had been away he'd had the dogs for company and when Seb was abroad racing he was kept busy. Now he had nothing. He felt swamped by emotion. He was all on his own now. He'd left Mark behind and he had to cope on his own.

He tried not to cry. He _wasn't_ going to cry. That was pathetic. He was moving on and that was a good thing. He was going to be fine. Mark was nearby and he'd see him as often as possible. He wasn't going to undermine this moment of getting back on his feet and being a grown-up about things. He'd see Mark all the time. It was fine. He was fine. _Fine._

Seb swallowed down his feelings and headed back downstairs to find something to fuss over to distract him from the idea that he should call Mark already.

 

Sebastian decided he'd allow himself to call Mark at 6pm. Normally that would be when they'd be in the kitchen and starting to sort things out to make dinner. Or rather Mark would. Sebastian would be sat at the kitchen table wondering if there was something he could help with without making too much of a mess of things.

They'd be talking about stuff and Mark would be taking the piss out of him and making him laugh. The dogs would be eating their dinner and coming over to fuss around Seb's legs as he sat there.

He really missed the dogs.

 

Mark took himself out on a bike ride to distract himself. He made sure he took his mobile phone with him, just in case. Just in case of what, he wasn't sure. Seb would be fine. Mark was clearly the one who was worrying, Sebastian had moved so fast to sort out finding a new place that he must have been keen to do it.

It was good though, of course it was, if Seb was doing so much better. Mark had wanted to go over to help him set up in his new house, but Sebastian obviously hadn't wanted that. Mark tried not to feel rejected; It was just Seb proving his independence. Mark could understand that.

 

On the dot of six o'clock Mark's phone rang.

 

“Hey.”

“Hey Seb, how's it all going?” Mark greeted him.

 

This was odd, it felt as though Seb was away at a race on the other side of the world rather than just a few miles away.

 

“Fine. Yeah, fine. It's kinda strange I guess.”

Sebastian wasn't really sure how to handle this conversation; He didn't want to worry Mark and make him think he couldn't do this, but at the same time he wanted to find an excuse to see him again as soon as possible.

 

“Strange? Yeah I suppose it will be. You got all you need until your stuff turns up?”

“Yeah, I'll survive.” Seb had realised without all the items from his kitchen he was going to have to use the one plate and mug he'd found lurking in a cabinet for a couple of days.

“Good, good... Well...”

Mark couldn't work out why things felt so stilted. It was just him and Seb, like normal.

 

“How are the dogs?”

“Fine mate, yeah, although they keep looking for you.”

Mark had explained it to them, but they kept going to check Seb's bedroom and giving him plaintive barks that Mark was convinced meant they were asking if Seb was coming back.

Seb definitely swallowed at that. He was allowed to miss the dogs, that wasn't childish, was it?

“I miss them too, I've got so used to them.”

“Yeah?” Mark had an idea, “Tell you what, why don't you come over to help me walk them tomorrow morning? You can stick around for lunch if you like. If you're not busy that is?”

 

Sebastian felt relieved; They were going to find a way to do this, they'd still do things together, still see one another. Seb wasn't really all on his own.

 

“I'm not busy, yeah that'd be good. I'd like that.” He wondered if he sounded too eager.

“Great. Well, eleven sound okay?”

“Yeah good, great. Eleven.”

“Great.”

 

This was so odd. Mark couldn't think what to say, they weren't normally like this.

 

“I guess I'd better go sort out some dinner. You got enough food there to keep you going?”

Mark had insisted on sending Sebastian off with a care package of food so his kitchen wasn't entirely empty.

“Sure, yeah.”

“Okay then, well...”

“See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

 

Mark hung up. Seb had sounded okay, just about. It was bound to be strange wasn't it? He'd be alright. They'd see each other tomorrow. Maybe Seb could stay a little longer and they could go for a ride after lunch? Mark walked back into the kitchen and made a fuss over the dogs.

Seb would be alright. He'd see him tomorrow.

 

Sebastian hung up. It was okay. He'd see Mark and the dogs tomorrow. He was fine. It was just that this house was so empty and quiet. He went to dig through the food Mark had given him. There was some pasta in there, he could cook that in the one slightly battered pan that had been left on the stove. It would be strange to do that without Mark looking over his shoulder and making silly jokes about Seb burning the water.

He wasn't going to cry.

 

 

 

 

The next day Mark was so happy to hear Sebastian pulling up on the driveway he nearly rushed outside to greet him, but that was ridiculous, he was being silly about this. It was just Seb. This was just their new kind of normal, no need to make a big deal about it.

 

Sebastian knocked on the front door feeling weird about it. He had the key in his pocket but he wasn't sure what the rules were about this now.

Mark swung the door open, trying to hold the dogs back at the same time. He failed miserably and Shadow and Simba leapt up at Seb, dragging him down so he could stroke them and say hello properly.

“What you doing knocking, eh Seb?” smiled Mark, “You lost your key?”

“Oh, umm, I wasn't sure...” mumbled Sebastian. That was still okay then.

“Don't be daft, just let yourself in alright?”

They could still be normal about this, surely?

“Right.”

“Okay, well do you want a coffee, or...”

The dogs were fighting to get out the door.

“I think these guys want to make a start,” smiled Sebastian.

“Yeah, think they're pretty pleased to see you mate.” Mark smiled back.

It was okay; They just needed to carry on and everything would be the same as it had been before.

  
They walked the dogs out through the fields and back around up to the hill at the end of the lane, spending a little time sat at the top trying to work out if they could see Seb's new house from up there.

After lunch Sebastian had been only too happy to go out on the bikes and when they returned Mark was tempted to ask him to stay for dinner, but then changed his mind thinking that was probably too much.

 

“Same tomorrow then?” asked Mark as he leant against the frame of the front door.

“Oh, sorry Mark I have to go into the factory.”

“Oh right. Of course.” Mark made sure he didn't sound too put out by that.

“I could come round later,” tried Seb, “for their evening walk maybe?”

“Sure, good idea, you can stay for dinner then.”

“Yeah. Good, okay then.”

 

Seb set off in his car feeling much better. They'd be okay. Once they'd got over the strangeness of it all they were themselves again. He could get used to coming and going. He'd be here all the time.

 

 

The following night Mark suggested to Sebastian the bright idea he'd had when out on his run earlier that day: There was a coffee shop in one of the villages in the area that lay roughly between them, they could take their runs out and meet in the middle. They could make a race out of it.

 

“So what do you reckon? I think that'd be about 15 miles round trip for each of us.”

Seb laughed, “You wanna race me?”

“Think you're up to the challenge?” ribbed Mark.

“Ha!” laughed Seb, he reckoned he could take him. “Fine, okay, but we need to measure it.”

“What?”

“Measure it! If we're racing it has to be fair. I'm not letting you have a head start just because you're old.”

“Oof, low blow!” grinned Mark. “Fine. We can check it out in the car, that sound okay?”

“Yep. Tomorrow.”

 

The next day they took a trip out in Mark's car and measured the distance from each of their houses. It worked, just about, as long as Sebastian started his run from the end of his road beyond his house, which he promised on his honour to do.

“No cheating Seb!”

“No cheating,” he agreed.

This would be fun.

 

So each morning they raced one another to the coffee shop in the village and then took an hour or so catching up, making plans and working out when they were both free to walk the dogs, go for rides, eat meals.

Mark found himself running far harder than he usually did, trying to get there ahead of Seb in time to lounge nonchalantly against the lamp-post near the door to the café as if he'd been there for hours waiting for him.

 

On the third day it was Sebastian who had won. Not by much though. He saw Mark coming around the corner at speed and laughed at the look of mock horror on his face when he saw Seb had beaten him to it.

“You'd better not have been cheating Seb,” Mark accused with a narrow eyed stare.

“As if!” defended Seb.

 

The deal was that they got to their starting points and then one called the other and they both shouted 'Go!' before cramming their phone in their pockets and sprinting off like a couple of teenagers.

“We should get tracking on our phones or something,” suggested Mark

“Yeah, there's probably an app for that.”

“Probably.” It was more fun teasing Seb about cheating though, thought Mark.

 

They went in and placed their orders. There was plenty of room at this time of day. Most customers were collecting drinks to take in with them to the station for their commutes and it was too early for the yummy-mummy brigade to have turned up with their prams after dropping kids off at school. They seemed to have the place to themselves.

 

Mark had flicked through the free papers while Sebastian visited the bathroom.

“Ha, look; You made the news.”

Mark pointed out a headline in the sports section.

“Hmm?” asked Sebastian, slightly confused. Why would he be making the news in the break before the start of the European section of the season?

 

_**'Vettel Moves To Try To Fix RedBull's Disastrous Season.'** _

There was a photograph of his old house in Switzerland with a removals van outside and a brief story about him moving to England to be closer to the factory so he could spend more time there trying to work on resolving the issues the team were struggling with.

 

“Nothing too specific, I guess,” said Seb after scanning the article.

“Nah, just making a story out of nothing cos they've not much else to write about right now,” confirmed Mark.

It was nothing to worry about; Just the usual media making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Seb wasn't spending any more time at the factory now than he had done all year, although admittedly that was quite a lot more than the previous year, but then the journalist wasn't to know that Seb had in fact been living near the factory since January.

 

 

True to his word Mark came round to help move Seb's belongings into the house when they finally arrived the next day. His new house was far smaller than his old one in Switzerland and so a good proportion of the boxes ended up shoved in the smaller of the two spare bedrooms.

It was good to get his things sorted out though, with the extra furniture and essentials like his TV all set out properly, the house really looked like a proper home at last.

Sebastian insisted on cooking Mark dinner to thank him for helping (although Mark naturally quipped that he wasn't sure that that really constituted a 'reward').

 

Once Mark had finally left, Seb made up the spare room that wasn't filled to the brim with his less important stuff. He wasn't quite sure if there would ever be a reason that Mark might need to stay over, but it felt nice to think that he could.

There were a few extra overflow boxes in the corner of this room. Sebastian went to check what was in them before shoving them under the bed out of the way. The first two were filled with old paperwork and he fitted them away. He opened the third and then snatched away his hands in shock. _Shit._

He'd told the removals firm to just pack everything up and he'd sort it out at this end. He hadn't really thought about the fact that meant they'd send _everything_ over. There were things that were innocuous enough to anyone else, but to Seb they held too many potent memories. He couldn't look again. Seb folded shut the box with shaking hands and took it downstairs. Out by the bin at back door he threw out the whole box, not even bothering to check the rest of its contents.

 

Sebastian put on the TV and found a comedy to put on loudly to shut out the bad memories. None of that was going to allowed to intrude into his new home. It was okay. This was a fresh start, nothing was going to taint it. He was fine.

Seb thought of some pointless things to text Mark about and they exchanged a few jokey messages about nothing in particular and he felt better. He'd see Mark in the morning after their standard dash to coffee shop and they had a couple more days left before he had to head off to Spain for the next race. Everything was good now, he wasn't going to let his past ruin that.

 

 

Between himself and Christian, they had come up with an idea for the start of the European leg of the season; There was nothing fundamentally wrong with Sebastian's car as compared to Daniel's. The Renault engine was letting them down, but there was nothing they could do about that – the engine was homologated and they were stuck with it; all the software upgrades Viry were under pressure to bring couldn't suddenly 'magic' it better and make the RedBull suddenly faster than the Mercedes. So they'd looked at what they _could_ do.

Dr Menton had been talking a lot lately at Sebastian 're-setting' his life and Sebastian had wondered if there wasn't a way to do that with the car; To effect some kind of sufficiently dramatic change so that he looked at it differently.

“I'm starting to wonder if it isn't all in my head?” he'd admitted to Christian, who thankfully assured him there was nothing wrong with his head and everything wrong with the engine.

But Sebastian was sufficiently concerned about his relative performance to his team-mate to feel that he had to do something. It didn't even matter particularly to him that the media were making unflattering comparisons; Seb knew in his heart he wasn't matching Daniel's performance (and if he hadn't realised on his own, Dr. Marko's unsubtle comments during team meetings would have been more than enough to ram the point home).

 

So it was that when they arrived in Spain, the car being reassembled on Sebastian's side of the RedBull garage was having an entirely different chassis built in.

It wasn't, in truth, actually brand new per se, it had been used in testing, but it was new to racing and more to the point it _felt_ new. It felt almost as though Seb was looking at a brand new car. A car unsullied by the disappointments and failures of the season so far. A car he could start afresh in without being weighted down by the past. It was a re-set.

 

Christian stood by his side on the Thursday and they watched as the mechanics finished making the car ready for practice the next day.

Sebastian went up to the car as the guys disappeared off in search of a well earned coffee and give it a little stroke.

“Good as new,” he smiled.

“Just a little cosmetic surgery,” quipped Christian, “she's the same girl underneath.”

“Of course, I know, but still...” Seb gave the car a little pat, “Maybe you'll talk to me a bit more now, eh? If I treat you right?” Sebastian looked the car over. “It's nice to see you looking good Suzie.”

Christian laughed. He'd never known any driver to name his cars as Sebastian did. It reminded him how young Seb really was, what a kid he'd been when he'd joined the team.

He suddenly felt horribly guilty again about how he'd failed to take proper care of Seb when he really had been so very young and vulnerable, for all his skills in the car and apparent ease with the media. Christian should have paid more attention to how he was really coping with all that pressure. He'd never forgive himself for allowing such a predator to get close to Sebastian and treat him so badly as Christian blithely ignored it while he got carried away by how perfect everything was on the surface.

  
Christian joined Seb by the car and gave the car an approving pat as well.

“She's looking great, but you understand, don't you Seb, that this isn't going to fundamentally change the car, right?”

Sebastian turned to him and nodded calmly.

“I do. I know. I get it Christian, really. This is just a sanity check. For me. You know?”

“There's nothing wrong with your sanity Seb,” said Christian firmly. He wasn't going to let Sebastian think that there was something wrong with him just because he was seeing a psychologist.

“You know what I mean.”

“I do.”

They'd discussed this. For all that they were realistic about the superficial nature of the change, there was nothing wrong with attempting a little trick to see if it worked.

“Come on then Seb, let's go find some lunch, you've got to get over to the media centre in a bit for the press conference.”

Ah yes, wouldn't that be a treat, thought Seb.

 

 

A black cat. That was what a journalist had mentioned. Sebastian couldn't help but feel it was following him around all weekend.

 

Friday was a nightmare; He'd got only four laps in before he had to stop, and when they got the car back to the garage they found electrical damage that was so bad it ended his day without a hope of getting out again in the afternoon.

Sebastian wanted to rage against the team, to ask if they couldn't get anything right, to question whether they hadn't done a shoddy job of putting in the new chassis. But he didn't have it in him. They were all working so hard. He knew they'd never give anything more than their best – his success was their success and his failure was their failure. They were a team. Sebastian would play his part.

Right now his part was to go outside with his press officer and sound stoic to the media. He could do that. If he could do nothing else today, he could at least do that.

 

Afterwards he sat in his room in the motor-home on the phone to Mark, trying to keep a hold of his positive outlook and the good mood he'd been in when he'd last seen him at the house the day before he'd come out here. Mark bolstered his self-esteem and reminded him that Fridays didn't really mean a whole lot. By the time Sebastian hung up he was confident he could get a decent night's sleep and concentrate on having a good day on Saturday.

 

 

By the end of the next day Sebastian was regretting referring to the change of chassis as a 'Sanity Check'. He was starting to wonder if he was going mad. Nothing could go right for him. He thought maybe that damn black cat was clinging to the monkey seat on the back of his car. His stupid, stupid, _useless_ car!

The gearbox had broken as he was starting in Q3, just as he'd been feeling that he had a chance to grab third place. The pace was definitely there, he could feel it, he was sure Suzie was finally talking to him and then _pffft;_ done. _Again!_

And there, _again,_ was Daniel. Right up there. In third place. _Seb's_ third place. It should have been his. He was working so hard for it, he deserved it. And now the team had told him he had to take a penalty as they'd be replacing the defunct gearbox and he would be starting all the way down in fifteenth position. _Fifteenth._ It was so unfair. He just had no luck whatsover.

If he ever found that black cat he was going to strangle it.

 

Mark had sent him a message telling him to call him as soon as he got chance. He knew what had happened of course. He'd been following it on TV.

Sebastian knew that deep down he was pleased that Mark cared, but he hated that Mark had been sat there watching him fail once again. Seb decided he needed to wait until he got back to the hotel that evening before calling him. He wanted to try to get himself together before he spoke to Mark. Right now he felt like crying and if he heard Mark's voice on the phone being all sympathetic and trying to build him back up while he was so far away Seb thought he might just lose it altogether and he couldn't afford to do that here.

 

“Ah mate. _Jeez._ I'm sorry.” Mark hardly knew what to say, the kid just couldn't catch a break, it was so unfair.

“It's okay,” tried Seb.

He leant back against the headboard of his bed and closed his eyes. If he shut everything out it was as if Mark was sat right there beside him. He wanted to lean up against Mark now and feel his warmth, his strength, breathe in his solid, dependable faith in Sebastian. If Seb just closed his eyes he could almost feel him there.

“What can you do, eh?” empathised Mark.

“Not a lot really. Pretty hard to drive around when you've got no gears.”

“Yeah, I'd imagine so.”

“They're working on it now. It'll be all fixed by tomorrow, but you know that means a five place grid penalty on top of everything else.”

“Yeah mate I know.”

Mark knew only too well. He'd had more than his fair share of mechanical failures in the past.

“Yeah,” sighed Seb. He thought about all the times he's seen Mark have to put up with similar situations. “How did you manage when it kept happening to you?”

“Dunno, kicked a few things, went to the gym and took it out a bit there, swore quite a lot.”

 

Seb snorted a little laugh, he could picture Mark turning the air blue as he sent something flying across the room.

 

“Sucked it up mostly mate. These things happen. If you know it's not your fault then there's nothing else to do but put it to one side and move forward.”

 

Move forward. That was what Seb had been doing so well lately. He could do that couldn’t he? Move forward tomorrow, literally and metaphorically.

“Yeah. It's just hard, you know, seeing Daniel where I should be.”

“Yeah mate I'm sure.”

“I don't want to begrudge him his success. It isn't fair I know.” But it was getting harder not to.

“I know.” Mark paused. “Look mate think of it this way. Daniel's just proved the car has got some decent oomph in it around here. So if they sort yours out overnight you'll be in with a good chance.”

“Yeah. Yeah I know. You're right. The car's not going too badly on this track. When it actually goes at all that is.” It was the closest thing to a joke Seb could do right now.

“Exactly. So tomorrow you just go for it. See what you can do, eh?”

“I will.”

“Okay then.”

 

“I wish I hadn't said it was a sanity check,” confessed Sebastian. He'd given the media so much ammo with that unfortunate phrase.

“The press?” asked Mark, knowing only too well what Seb meant. He'd read what they were saying about Sebastian's failure to adapt this season and it infuriated him to see them speculating about what was going on in his head. They didn't have a clue. Not a fucking clue what Sebastian had been through and how strong he really was.

 

“Yeah. I could do without them being so fucking gleeful about it all. They're so damn happy I'm having another shitty weekend.”

“Fuck em,” said Mark with feeling.

Sebastian managed a proper laugh at that.

“Yeah fuck em. Fuck em all...” Seb joined in.

“Seb, you've nothing to lose tomorrow mate. Just go balls out and show the lot of them what you're made of.”

 

Mark had a wonderful turn of phrase, grinned Sebastian.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You're right. I've nothing to lose. I'll chuck the car about a bit and see where I can get.”

Mark frowned, worried that he might be encouraging Sebastian to go too far. “Yeah, alright. Just don't chuck it too far mate. Don't do anything too crazy? Barcelona's a bugger to overtake on, so don't, you know, go all Maldonado on me, yeah?”

That definitely made Sebastian laugh.

“I haven't forgotten how to drive overnight Mark. I think I can do a bit better than Pastor.”

Mark was reassured to hear Sebastian sounding a little more cheerful. Of course Seb could drive better than that.

“Having your eyes open would be a start mate.” Some of these ex-GP2 drivers were a bloody hazard.

“That I can promise you.”

“Good.”

Mark wanted to make him promise to take care of himself. Not to do anything too dangerous to try to get through the field. Not to take too many risks.

 

“I'll be alright Mark, okay. I'll just try my best and see what I can do.”

“Yeah mate, that's all anyone can ask, alright?”

“You'll be watching?” Seb knew the answer but he wanted to hear it anyway. He wanted to feel that Mark was with him tomorrow.

“Of course mate.”

“Thanks. Okay. Well... I'd better get an early night.” Seb felt so much better going into the race now.

“Best thing you can do right now.”

“Yeah.” Seb did actually feel rather tired, even if it was only a little after nine o'clock.

“If you want to call me in the morning, before the race or whenever, I'll be about. I'll have my phone on me when I take the dogs out, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

 

Seb wished he could join Mark taking the dogs for their walk in the morning, it would be the perfect way to prepare himself for the tough race that lay ahead.

“Okay, well get a good night then. And don't worry if you're too busy to call, I know what it's like, alright?”

“Yeah alright. Night Mark.”

Seb hung up. He would try to cram in a quick call at some point in the morning. Or least a few texts. Mark always sent the best encouraging texts to set him up.

 

 

Mark hung up and took another look at the article on the laptop in front of him. He knew he shouldn't do it, but he couldn't help himself. He scrolled through his contacts and dialled the number.

 

“Hola Mark,”

“Hey mate, how's it going?”

“Ah, is okay, you know, the car...”

Ah yes the car. A familiar story. The Ferrari was no better than the RedBull. Worse actually. Fernando was having to work even harder than he had in the past few years to drag results out of that bucket of bolts.

“Yeah mate, I know. Must be a nightmare,” sympathised Mark.

“Si, I do my best, but there is just no chance this year.”

“Yeah?”

“The Mercedes, they are so far away. I do what I can, but is too much,” sighed Fernando.

“Your new boss not turning things around then?” asked Mark. He didn't really know anything about this new guy running the team.

“Hah,” laughed Fernando. “I don't know what he does. He is not a racer.” Damning condemnation in their world. “I think Luca, he does more now, but is not enough. I think this season is already gone.”

“Really? Already? I'm sorry to hear that mate.”

 

Things really had been shaken up so badly in Formula One this year. Mark thought it was a travesty that drivers like Seb and Fernando weren't in a position to fight at the front.

  
“Did you call just to ask about my car?” wondered Fernando.

“Well, and you, obviously,” stalled Mark.

“Yes?” Fernando was pretty sure there was something else going on here.

“Listen, I know I shouldn't be saying this, but did you have to say that about Seb?”

 

Fernando rolled his eyes. He'd guessed that might be it.

“Mark I said nothing that was not true.”

“Hmm,” said Mark darkly.

“I say I am surprised at his results this year. And I am. Is not wrong to say this. I think we are all surprised.”

“Did you have to say it though?” demanded Mark.

“I was asked a question. I answer it. I do not think I say anything bad about him.”

“Right,” Mark paused, he knew he shouldn't be having this conversation. “Did you _have_ to say it though? Like that? I mean you know the car he's got this year is no good.”

“Neither is mine!” Exclaimed Fernando.

“No, well you know what it's like then.”

“Yes I know Mark. I have known for years. Perhaps it is no bad thing for Sebastian that he discovers what it is like not to have the best car for once.”

 

Mark knew there was some truth in that and he couldn't be too annoyed with his friend for speaking the truth.

 

“Yeah, maybe, I just...” Mark didn't know how to put it. “He's having a tough time of it this year, you know,” he wasn't about to go into to detail as to why that was.

“Is tough for all of us who are not in a Mercedes, he will have to fight for what he can get. Then perhaps he will have the respect he wants, hmm?”

“Yeah mate I know, and I know he's trying, but there's not a lot of fighting you can do when your car falls apart every five minutes.”

Fernando huffed, “Mark, I know that you two are friends now, but what do you want me to do? You think I should pull over and let him past?”

“God no. He'd kill me if I ever asked that. Not that you'd ever do it.”

“No, I would not, and he would not want me to.”

 

Mark sighed, scanning through the article displayed in front of him again. Fernando hadn't really said anything too derogatory. He wasn't sure why he'd been so riled reading it.

 

“Yeah I know. I'm sorry. I just...”   _I worry,_ he failed to finish.

“Mark, is no problem. I think this year maybe is good for him; Sebastian, he has a chance to do what he did not so much before.”

“Hmm?” Mark frowned, what did he mean?

“He must race. If he is to show what he is worth, he must race, and if that is for fifth place, then it is for fifth, if that is all he can get. It is all any of us can do this year; we much fight for what we can get and hold our heads high.”

“Okay mate I get it. Yeah. He just needs the car not to conk out while he's trying to do that, you know?”

“I do Mark.”

“Yeah, okay.” He knew Fernando had more then enough of his own problems to deal with, it wasn't fair to try to offload some of Seb's onto him as well.

“Okay, well I must go to sleep now. Perhaps I see you see you before too long? You will come to some of the races this summer?”

“Yeah mate, one or two maybe. I'll let you know. It'd be good to catch up.”

“Good, will be nice to see you.”

“Yeah, well...good luck tomorrow then.”

“Thank you Mark. Try not to worry so much about Sebastian, he will be better tomorrow I think.”

 

Was it so obvious that he was worried, wondered Mark.

“Yeah, thanks. Night then, see you soon maybe.”

“Yes, you let me know.”

“Will do mate. Bye.”

“Good night Mark.”

 

Fernando placed his phone on the nightstand by the bed, smiled and shook his head. He had been surprised when Mark had told him a while back that he and Sebastian were now friends, but Fernando had never imagined _this._

He laughed a little to himself; If Mark came along to one of the races soon, Fernando was going to insist that he came out for a drink and then he was going to find out what was really going on between the two of them, because there was definitely _something_ going on.

 

Mark hung up and looked at his phone. Had he just done something really idiotic? Sebastian would definitely kill him if he ever found out about the conversation he had just had.

Despite his concerns, he still felt better for having done it. He closed his laptop and lay down on the sofa.

Mark hoped Seb would call in the morning so he could get a read of him before the race.

It was going to be torture to watch; He was horribly anxious that Seb was going to try too hard now and do something stupid, crash and hurt himself. Mark couldn't stand the idea that Seb might hurt himself trying to prove to Mark and the world what a fighter he was. He'd be awake half the night worrying about it.

 

 

 

“Seb!” Mark practically shouted down the phone. “That was great, what a show! You did it.”

“Yeah? I mean it's still only fourth,” countered Seb a little bashfully.

“From fifteenth though Seb. That was really impressive. I mean, overtaking on the _outside_ of 10? You can't do that!”

“Turns out you can,” laughed Sebastian feeling a little giddy.

“Ha!” Mark laughed back.

He was so happy and relieved. He'd been stupidly worried about this race, about what risks Seb might take and how destroyed he might be if things didn't work out.

 

“It wasn't too bad was it?”

“It was great. Really. Everyone's going on about it mate.” Mark teased, “Turns out you _can_ overtake!”

“I always could.”

“I know mate, I know, I'm only winding you up.”

Seb knew that right?

“I'm so proud of you.” 

 _Oh._ Mark hadn't actually meant to say that out loud to Sebastian.

 

“Really?”

Seb felt a great warmth spreading inside him. Mark was proud of him. Wow.

 

“Yeah.” Fuck it, thought Mark, I am. “Yeah mate, you did good, I'm really proud of you. You showed them all what you're capable of today.”

“Still only fourth,” reminded Sebastian, though he didn't care quite so much about that now.

“Fourth is fantastic. Making up eleven places, on this track? Really Seb, everyone's really impressed.”

 

Sebastian suddenly didn't care what anyone else thought. He only cared what Mark thought.

“I guess fourth was all I could really get.”

“Fourth is way more than you should have got, way more, mate. Not many drivers could have done that, it was a really aggressive drive, really impressive.”

 

Sebastian couldn't wipe the grin off his face. He wished Mark had been there in person to see it. To share this moment afterwards.

“Thanks Mark. It means a lot, you know.”

“I'm sure it does mate,” concurred Mark.

“No, I mean you. It means a lot _you_ saying that,” corrected Seb.

“Oh.” Mark didn't know what to say.

“I couldn't have got through this weekend without you, you know.”

Seb felt on a high, he was letting out things he never normally would when he had time to over-think everything.

 

Mark wasn't sure how to respond. He didn't think he'd done anything more than what was entirely natural.

“It's no problem mate. Any time.”

Any time. Every time.

 

 

Sebastian stuck around in Spain for a few days for testing. He hadn't been looking forward to it, as he usually wanted to get back to England as soon as possible after a race, but now he didn't mind so much. He was eager to get back and see Mark, but after Sunday he'd started to feel things must be on the up with the car and he was keen to be a part of the development.

He was so happy about things he didn't find himself getting so wound up by the hold-ups and problems they inevitably encountered. That was just testing, they'd get there.

 

In the afternoon he killed a little time outside in the pitlane soaking up the sun. Rocky was stood talking to him, but Seb wasn't really listening to him, he was thinking about how well things were going now. He'd be home soon and he'd see Mark and they could catch up properly. He could let Mark know just how much his support meant to him. It meant everything. Mark meant everything.

Maybe when he got home he could find a way to really tell Mark that? Anything seemed possible right now. He was so happy. He lay back on the sun-warmed concrete and couldn't wipe the smile off his face.

 

 

The next few days were great. Seb felt as though he was riding a wave of happiness. He knew it was less about the result in Spain and more about how Mark made him feel. It was good though, to know that there was a satisfaction to be found in fighting for a place outside the podium, if that was all you could get, more than you should really be able to get, then he could take pride in that.

Mark was right; it was a matter of readjusting your expectations and understanding of what was achievable and then seeing if you couldn't just go one step higher than that.

 

Sebastian had tried to make Mark understand what he was trying to say when he told him what his encouragement meant to him, but it was somehow rather harder in person than over the phone. In Spain he'd been so buoyed by his success that the adrenaline had encouraged him to say more than he could manage when they were actually together.

That didn't matter so very much though. It was just good to be home, to get back into the habit of fitting in more time at the factory with spending time together, walking the dogs and having their little race to the coffee shop each morning. Seb had even cooked a fairly successful dinner on the Thursday night as a little thank you and Mark hadn't made a single joke about his inadequacies in the kitchen.

 

Seb wondered if he shouldn't have brought up his worries about how to tell Mark how he felt with Dr. Menton in his session the next day, but it turned out Henry had actually watched the race and Seb had spent so long talking him through it all that there hadn't been time for anything else.

Sebastian decided not to let himself be too concerned about that though, there was no rush, maybe it was good not to force anything. He'd been so impressed Henry had bothered to watch him racing and seemed to have understood what it meant to him, he had driven home from Oxford on a renewed little high.

 

 

Sebastian had even spent most of Saturday on the sim at the factory, running various scenarios for the Monaco Grand Prix that was coming up the following weekend.

It was looking good; the winding streets of the principality ought to rely less on the straight-line speed the Mercedes engine excelled at and allow the superior aerodynamics of the Red Bull to shine for once. Christian was convinced that they genuinely stood a good chance, and after putting in a near race distance on the sim, so did Sebastian.

 

He spent the evening at Mark's going over it in detail with him.

“I really think we're looking good Mark.”

“Great, glad to hear it. Today went well then?”

“Yeah, yeah, pretty good. We just need to, you know, try it out for real,” smiled Seb.

“Ah yes,” returned Mark. “That little detail.”

“And I think I'm kind of getting there. You know, adapting my style, changing how I drive into the corners.”

“You're a smart guy Seb, you'll get there.”

“Yeah, thanks, It's just, you know, everyone says I have to change how I drive this year as if that's some little thing. The cars really are completely different machines this year. You wouldn't believe it.”

“Maybe I got out when the going was good?” joked Mark.

“Maybe you did,” returned Sebastian. He wished for a moment that Mark was still in Formula One, then he'd be at every race with him. But then he realised they'd still be team-mates and none of this would probably have ever happened. Seb couldn't imagine going back to how their relationship had been before this year. It was if the two of them were entirely different people. Seb thought he hardly knew the person he used to be.

 

 

The next day Sebastian got up at an indulgently late time. He and Mark had sat up late into the night talking. So late in fact that Mark had suggested he stay over and Seb had been sorely tempted, but in the end he'd turned the offer down and come home. He had some papers to study for work and he knew if he stayed he would have ended up remaining at Mark's all day today too and he needed to get his homework done before he was back in the factory on Monday.

There was no great rush though. Sebastian pootled about the house; Having a shower, getting breakfast, tidying up a little. He flicked through the pile of papers in his folder; Not too bad. That would take him a couple of hours and then he could head back to Mark's for that bike ride they'd discussed last night and maybe stay for dinner again. As long as he could get though these notes he could do that with a clear conscience and be ready for the new week ahead as they prepared for a crucial race for the team.

 

Seb went back into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee to power him through his work. He headed on through towards the lounge via the hall, pausing when he heard a noise. It was so quiet out here in the countryside you heard everything. Usually Sebastian loved that, but he stopped, suddenly disturbed by the noise. He could hear a vehicle close by, really close in fact. There was a crunch of gravel and Seb realised it was pulling onto his drive.

 

For a second he wondered if it might be the postman, but then he remembered that it was Sunday: No post on Sundays.

 

Sebastian walked over to the small window in the upper part of the door and peered out.

 

It wasn't Mark was it? He wasn't likely just to turn up out of the blue when Seb was due over there later.

It wasn't Mark. That wasn't Mark's car.

Who would be calling at his house randomly on a Sunday?

 

Sebastian was about to open the door to see who it was and what they wanted, when the car turned slightly on the driveway and stopped.

It was still too far away to properly make out, but it was a man, on his own.

The door to the car opened and the man got out.

 

Sebastian stared in horror.

The mug of coffee slipped from his grasp and fell in slow-motion, smashing on the floor and splashing hot liquid all down his leg.

Seb didn't feel it. He couldn't feel anything. He couldn't move; He was frozen in terror.

 

It was Heikki.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. My. God....
> 
>  
> 
> ;)


	13. Unlucky For Some

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the shadows that haunt your nightmares aren't just shadows, sometimes the monsters are real

 

Seb stood frozen to the spot, staring out of the little window out onto the drive.

This couldn't be happening, this _couldn't_ be happening, he was seeing things.

Please, please, don't be real, he thought desperately.

But the man was striding across the gravel towards the house, towards Sebastian. He knew that face too well; it haunted his nightmares:

It was Heikki. He had found him.

 

Heikki was only a few yards away now and Seb suddenly found that his limbs still worked. He turned and bolted away from the front door.

He stumbled up the stairs as fast as he could, grabbing at the handrail to pull him faster and stop him from falling. He turned the corner and flung himself into the bathroom, shutting the door and frantically locking it with shaking hands.

 

Seb leant his forehead against the door and tried to breathe. Oh god, oh god, ohgodohgodohgod, _Heikki._ His head was spinning. How had he found him? How did he know? _How?_

 

There was a bang on the door downstairs and Sebastian nearly jumped out of his skin.

 _Oh god!_ Heikki. Here. Sebastian had thought he was safe here, that he'd left all that behind him, and now he was here.

 

Another bang, louder now.

Sebastian jumped badly again. His legs wouldn't hold his shaking body any more and he crashed to the floor. He managed to turn and rested himself up against the locked door. He thought he might have forgotten how to breathe altogether, his chest felt so tight it must burst in a minute.

  
There was another noise from downstairs and Seb was terrified that Heikki was trying to break in. This door wouldn't hold him if it did. Seb was trapped.

He held his breath completely and tried to listen. The banging had stopped and he thought that maybe Heikki was talking, but he couldn't make out the words. He didn't want to hear what he was saying. He never wanted to hear his voice again.

 

Sebastian pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his head. He closed his eyes tight knowing full well that not being able to see the danger made it no less of a threat. It was a child's reaction. A frightened child. This was what Heikki did to him; he reduced him to this.

Sebastian clutched his knees tighter and tried to shut everything out but his breathing. He had to concentrate on breathing properly or he would pass out. He couldn't afford to pass out. If Heikki broke in that would leave him utterly defenceless, as if he wasn't defenceless enough already.

 

He knew how to do this. He could control this. He could slow his breathing down as Mark had taught him. Mark's voice; slow and calm, his hand rubbing his back reassuring him, pulling him back when it got really bad like this. _Mark._

Oh god, _Mark._ He needed Mark now. He needed Mark.

Sebastian felt his breath hitch and then speed up again at the thought that Mark wasn't there. He wasn't there when he needed him the most.

But Mark didn't know. He had no idea.

He had to call Mark. He had to call him and he'd come and save him. But Seb didn't have his phone. It wasn't in his pocket. He tried to think where he'd last had it: The kitchen. He'd sent Mark a text telling him what time he thought he'd make it over later and left it lying there on the kitchen table.

He needed his mobile phone and it was downstairs. There was no house phone here, he had to get that phone if he was going to call Mark, but it was downstairs and that was where Heikki was.

_Oh god._

 

Sebastian tried not to let the panic he felt overwhelm him. He had to control his breathing. He had to get it together or he wouldn't be able to stand up and if he couldn't stand he couldn't find a way to get downstairs to retrieve his phone to call Mark.

Just breathe, okay. Just breathe.

Mark's voice. He had to call Mark. He had to be brave enough to stand up, unlock this door and go downstairs.

It took a while, but he managed it. He stood, using the door for leverage and forced his hands to work the lock open. He tried to turn the handle but he couldn't do it. His hands were sweating and the round door handle slipped in his grasp. He wiped them on his jeans and tried again; it turned.

Now that it had, he wished it hadn't. He was so afraid to walk out of this room.

He listened intently for any noise, but there was none.

 

Seb wasn't sure if that wasn't worse. There was no way that Heikki had just left when he hadn't answered the door. He wasn't sure what that meant Heikki was doing now, but Sebastian had no choice; he had to go downstairs to get his phone.

  
He stepped out of the bathroom and as quietly as he could manage, crept down the stairs. His heart was pounding so loudly that if Heikki was still stood on his doorstep he must surely hear it. There was the little window in the door and if Heikki looked though it he would see Sebastian. And then what? Would he break down the door? Sebastian was so afraid he didn't know how he was putting one foot in front of the other making his way down.

Midway down one of the stairs creaked and Seb froze waiting for a reaction, but there was none. Okay. Okay...

Seb stole downstairs and rounded into the hall. He quickly glanced towards the door-window and couldn't see anything. He kept going. He couldn't afford to pause. He moved along the hall and into the kitchen.

 

There on the table was his phone; Slung down casually when he'd left it there so thoughtlessly earlier. He swiped it up just before he heard a noise emanating from outside. Seb hurriedly ducked down in front of the table and stayed there clutching his phone to his chest.

 

“I know you're in there Seb. I know you're here. Your car's outside. Open the fucking door!”

 

Sebastian didn't know how he managed to stay still; crouched in an awkward position; fearful that Heikki might be able to see him through the kitchen window and yet too afraid to move in case he couldn't and then he would if Seb moved an inch. Sebastian's eyes were wide open, staring at the kitchen door knowing he couldn't get though it without Heikki definitely seeing him.

A shadow moved across the kitchen floor and Seb held his breath.

The shadow continued to move and then disappeared.

 

“Seb!”

"Come on Seb, let me in. I only want to talk."

The voice was slightly further away and Sebastian risked a look around. There was no sign of Heikki at the window, so he took his chance and stood, sprinting through the door into the hall. The wooden floor of the hall was too slippery in his socks and Seb fell, jarring his knee. He didn't have time to be hurt though, Heikki must be working his way around the house and would be back by the front door in a moment, so Seb dragged himself up and hauled himself back up the stairs and into the bathroom, locking the door again behind him.

 

 

Sebastian sat with his back up against the bathroom door gathering himself for a second before fumbling with the phone to get it to dial. Thank Christ it was at least charged up.

There was another noise from downstairs and Seb guessed that Heikki was at the front door again. He was saying something, but there was no way Seb was opening this door to try to hear what it was.

 

'Call connecting'; It was ringing. _Please Mark, pick up, pick up, pick up..._ Seb thought desperately.

Mark answered the phone.

“Mark,” gasped Sebastian.

“Hey, you going to be running late? I mean don't...”

“Mark!” Seb interrupted, his breath still short.

“Seb?” Something was very wrong, Mark knew immediately.

“Mark... Mark...” Sebastian couldn't get the words out.

“Seb, are you alright? What's happened?”

Sebastian was concentrating very hard on the sound of Mark's voice to steady him, but he couldn't speak.

“Seb, what is it? _Seb?”_

 

 _Shit,_ thought Mark, _is he having an attack? What the hell brought that on?_ Mark was already standing, making his way into the hall to look for his car keys.

 

“Seb, for Christ's sake, please say something.”

Mark could hear him breathing, jagged and heavy on the other end.

“Mark,” Seb forced, “He's here!”

Mark stopped dead. “Who's there?”

Somehow he knew before he heard Seb say it.

“Heikki,” Seb whispered. He sounded terrified.

 

Mark's blood ran cold.

“At the house? He's at your house?!”

“He's downstairs,” explained Seb, his breath still uneven, the words forced out.

“Christ! Inside? He's inside the house?”

“No. No he's outside. I think he's at the front door.”

 

Mark took a breath, at least that was something.

“Shit. Okay, where are you?”

“I locked myself in the bathroom.” Sebastian hated how pathetic that made him sound.

“Good. Stay there okay. I'm coming, alright. Don't panic.”

“Okay. Okay...” Mark was coming, he'd be okay.

“I'm calling the police.”

“What?!”

“There's a restraining order Seb. He can't be there.”

“No! Mark, please. You can't, _please!”_

“ _Seb.”_ Mark ran his hand through his hair, Seb just wouldn't let himself have the help he needed.

“Please just come here. _Please_ Mark.” It was little more than a whisper and it pulled at Mark's gut.

“I'm on my way, alright Seb, I'm getting in the car right now and I'll be there in a minute. Just stay where you are. I'll be right there, okay?”

“Okay.”

  
Mark shoved his phone in his pocket. He yelled for the dogs, piled into the car and tore out of the driveway towards Sebastian.

 

 

 

Mark pulled up to Seb's house and saw a strange car slewed across the driveway. He rang Seb again to let him know he was there and told him to stay where he was for now.

He left the car in the lane and attached the dogs' leads as he let them out of the back.

Stepping onto the driveway he could see a man peering through the front window into the lounge.

 

“What the fuck do you think you're doing?” Mark shouted.

He really had no plan what he was going to do other than finding a way to get Heikki to leave and then being there for Sebastian.

The man spun around. Sure enough it was Heikki.

He glared at Mark and took a few steps towards him, stopping when he realised who it was.

“Huh. Mark?” Heikki couldn't imagine why Mark would be there.

“I asked what you think you're doing here?” 

Heikki walked towards him. He didn't look in the least threatened by Mark's presence.

 _Cocky bastard,_ thought Mark.

“I wanted to speak to Sebastian,” answered Heikki calmly, as if that was a perfectly reasonable thing to be doing.

“You can't be here. You need to leave. Now.” Mark was concentrating on keeping his voice steady but firm.

 

Heikki took a few more steps towards him and the dogs started barking, straining on their leashes.

“This is none of your business alright Mark? This is between me and Seb.” 

Mark considered letting go of the dogs and allowing them to leap at Heikki as they clearly wanted to. He wondered whether they could sense the threat Heikki posed or if they just read Mark's feeling towards him.

“It is my business, actually,” Mark bit back.

“Is it?” Heikki raised an eyebrow.

 _Is it? Well, well..._ He smiled dangerously. _Sebastian and Mark, who would have thought?_

 

“You need to get out of here right now Heikki.”

“Treading on your territory now am I Mark?” Heikki laughed. It was too funny, he'd never have believed it.

“Fuck off, alright. Just fuck off right now. You can't be here. You know you can't. There's a restraining order.”

 

Oh so he knew about that too. A piece of paper. As if a piece of paper meant anything.

“You think you know all about it, eh Mark? I'll bet you don't,” taunted Heikki.

“I know enough. More than enough.”

The hand that wasn't holding onto the dogs was shoved into Mark's pocket and he could feel it tremble slightly. It was adrenaline. Mark wasn't afraid of Heikki, but any minute now he was going to lose it and punch his lights out and that was would only make things worse. 

“Is that so?”

“Yeah _mate,_ it is.”

Mark took another step closer to him.

“You don't know the half of it.”

 

Probably true thought Mark, but the half he knew was bad enough. 

“There's restraining order Heikki, you need to leave right now or I'm calling the police,” threatened Mark.

“No,” retorted Heikki with icy calm, “I don't think you're going to do that.”

 

 _Fuck,_ thought Mark. He didn't let his uncertainty reach his eyes.

 

“It's just a piece of paper,” continued Heikki confidently. “Typical Seb, hiding behind something because he's too much of a coward to face me.”

“Shut up,” interrupted Mark angrily.

“If he wants me to go, he can tell me himself, he can't hide any more.” 

Heikki snorted a bitter little laugh, Sebastian had hidden well, but he'd found him out.

“Hiding away here, hiding behind the team, hiding behind lawyers... and now hiding behind you it seems.”

Seb was so predictably pathetic in his actions. Heikki wasn't going to let him get away with it any more. He'd been so angry when Seb had run away after New Year.

Heikki had thought Seb would come running back as soon as he clicked his fingers and it had astonished him that he hadn't. Of course he'd had no idea that Mark was involved. That explained a lot. But no more. Heikki had worked hard to track him down. He was going to get him back. Seb didn't get to walk away so easily.

 

Heikki turned back towards the house and shouted, “If you want me to go, you're going to have to come and tell me yourself Seb!”

He smiled, knowing the effect that would have both on Sebastian listening inside and Mark stood in front of him. He leant back against the bonnet of his car.

“He wont, of course. I think you know that, don't you Mark?”

Heikki's eyes were glinting with triumph. Was it Mark that had been keeping Sebastian hidden from him all this time? Well that wouldn't last. Heikki knew the hold he had over Seb, how weak he was. Seb would never have the nerve to tell him to leave when he saw him in person.

 

Mark could barely constrain himself now. Heikki was enjoying this, the bastard was _enjoying_ it; Taunting Seb, knowing how distressed he must be right now; it gave him a sense of power. He had power over Mark too, because if Mark did what he wanted to do; which was to beat the living crap out of him, the police would end up getting involved and the whole business would wind up in the papers and Sebastian couldn't have that happen.

 

The dogs growled menacingly. Mark was glad he'd brought them. They gave him a little extra edge over Heikki and right now Mark needed all the help he could get.

 

“You get off on this.” Mark shook his head. “You worthless piece of shit, you get off on all this! Does it make you feel like a real man, eh Heikki? Is that it?”

“At least I am a real man.”

It was Mark's turn to laugh now, a laugh devoid of all humour.

“Is that what makes you a man then? Beating up on someone who's weaker than you? What kind of inadequate feels the need to do that?”

“I'm not...” started Heikki, clearly unused to having someone stand up to him so robustly.

“Not what? Not inadequate? Really? You think you're so much better than him? What have you ever achieved, eh? Nothing. You're fucking _nothing!”_

 

Heikki looked briefly set back. Then he glared at Mark, standing back up off the car.

“You don't know what went on between Seb and me. I don't know what he told you. You must know what he's like, how he wraps people around his little finger? He's probably told you all kinds of bullshit about me.”

 

Mark was angrier than ever. He knew only too well that Sebastian hadn't lied about what had happened.

“You're the bullshitter, mate. He didn't need to tell me. I _saw_   what you did to him!”

 

Heikki changed tack immediately. “Yeah? Well. Did he tell you that he liked it? Hmm? He fucking got off on it. Why do you think he always came back for more? Seb's pretty fucked up you know.”

 

Mark lost control at that. If Seb was fucked up, it was Heikki that had done that to him. He suddenly went to launch himself at him.

 

“Mark no!” Seb's voice shouted urgently from the doorway. He'd been watching from inside and had wrenched the front door open when he saw what was about to happen.

 

Mark stopped himself just in time. Both men on the drive turned in shock to see Sebastian stood there.

They were all stunned into silence for a moment before Mark regained his self-control and took a step away from Heikki and towards Sebastian.

“Go back in Seb, okay?”

“Mark, don't,” said Sebastian in warning. He was worried this situation could spiral out of control any moment.

“It's okay, alright?” assured Mark. The fire in him subsided at the sight of Seb stood there.

 

The dogs were jumping up and trying to snap at Heikki who stepped back beyond their reach.

A part of Mark wanted to let them loose on him, let them rip him to shreds and watch has he died a slow painful death. But he was less concerned about Heikki and more worried about Sebastian right now.

Mark ducked down and spoke to the dogs, “Go to Seb. Okay boys, go to Seb now,” he instructed firmly.

They looked at him questioningly for a moment and then turned from Heikki towards the house. Mark stood, letting go of the leads and the two dogs sprinted to Sebastian to stand at his feet.

 

Heikki had taken another jerky step backwards as Mark released the animals.

Mark shook his head in disgust.

“When it comes down to it mate, you're just a fucking coward, you know that?”

Heikki just scowled at him.

“Get out of here.” Mark finished.

 

Heikki looked at Sebastian and then back at Mark, recovering his confidence at the sight of his former victim.

“I'm going nowhere unless he tells me to.” Heikki said loudly, quite certain that Seb would never have the strength to do that.

Mark went to say something in response, when Sebastian spoke out.

“Go.”

 

Both Heikki and Mark turned back to him in surprise. Sebastian had one hand on the door-frame and the other resting on top of Shadow's head.

“You don't mean that Seb,” said Heikki taking a pace towards him.

Mark stepped into his path. “Don't you take one more step,” he warned.

Heikki glared again, but didn't move.

 

“I do,” asserted Sebastian, gathering all his strength and trying to sound far more confident than he felt. “Go. Now. And don't ever come back.”

Heikki stared at him, unable to hide his surprise.

“Seb?”

Mark took another step closer to Heikki.

“He's told you now mate, you need to go. And don't think there wont be consequences to you turning up here.”

“Seb?” tried Heikki one more time.

“Go. I never want to see you again.”

Sebastian's voice was unwavering. It sounded stronger than Heikki could ever have imagined. What had happened to him in the last six months Heikki wondered? He tried to think of a repost but none came.

 

The dogs barked loudly out at him and Heikki jumped.

“Fucking coward,” repeated Mark with disdain.

Heikki hesitated for another moment before the dogs started barking again and he backed off, he glowered at them all one last time before turning his back and climbing into his car.

Mark walked towards Sebastian as Heikki reversed the car at speed, sending gravel flying up in all directions.

 

 

Mark ignored the departing car and headed to Sebastian in the doorway.

It was only as he got right up to him that he saw how heavily Seb was breathing and how tightly his hand was gripping the door-frame.

 

“Seb, you're alright, okay. He's gone.”

Mark turned for a moment, Heikki's car was definitely gone, he could hear it speeding away down the road.

“You did good mate, okay, you did good. And so did you boys, very good,” Mark ruffled the two dogs on the head.

 

Sebastian gave a tight nod still staring at the driveway.

“He's gone now, okay Seb. He's not coming back. He's a fucking coward you know.”

 

Mark got in Seb's eye-line. “You did great Seb,” he said warmly.

Seb just nodded again, but he was still looking out.

“Come on, come inside now.”

Mark put his hand on Seb's shoulder to guide him back indoors. They turned and went in, Mark shut the door quietly behind him.

 

Seb took a sharp breath in. He didn't know how he'd held it together like that.

Mark turned to him. “Are you okay?” He knew it was unlikely that the answer would be positive.

Seb could feel a cold sweat descend on him now that the adrenaline of the confrontation had passed. He felt unstable. Mark went to move to lead them though into the lounge but Seb suddenly dipped his head, crashing it into Mark's chest, breathing heavily.

 

“Oof, mate.” Seb had knocked the air out of him. Sebastian was leaning his whole weight towards Mark.

“You're okay, he's gone now, alright. He's gone.” He rubbed his hand on Seb's arm. ”You're alright Seb.”

Sebastian had been fighting to hold it together for so long, the stress was too much, he couldn't hold on any more. He tried to speak, but it just came out as moan.

 

The noise cut through Mark like a knife. _Fuck._ Of course Seb wasn't okay.

Mark rested his head against Sebastian's for a moment.

“You did so good Seb. You stood up to him, you told him to fuck off. He's gone now, he wont be coming back.”

 

Mark had been so impressed Seb had found the strength to face Heikki. To tell him to go when Heikki believed he couldn't do that. Mark knew what that had taken from Sebastian. Too much probably; Seb was on the edge now, Mark had to try and hold him back.

“Come on, let's just sit down okay? You'll be alright in a minute.”

 

He guided Sebastian through. Seb felt as though there was no blood flowing in his body; he couldn't control his limbs and his feet were dragging. Mark had to half hold him up to get him over to the sofa.

 

Mark sank down in front of Sebastian resting his hands either side of him.

“I'm going to get you some water, okay?”

He got up to go to the kitchen.

“Don't leave me,” pleaded Seb.

He felt so weak right now. Mark couldn't leave him. He was going to fall apart any minute, he needed Mark.

“I'll just be a second.”

 

Mark tore himself away and went to grab a couple of bottles of water from the fridge. He hated leaving Seb for even a moment, but he'd need them to try to calm Seb down.

  
By the time he returned Seb was sat with his head forward, taking sharp staccato breaths that told Mark only too well that he was on the verge of a panic attack.

Mark crouched before him. He opened the water and put the bottle into Seb's hand, encouraging him to take a few sips before he abandoned it. He took the bottle back and placed it with the other on the coffee table beside him and settled himself down on the sofa next to Seb.

 

Sebastian immediately pressed himself into Mark. He pulled his feet up off the floor and curled his knees to the side and twisted around so that he was turned right into him. Mark didn't resist it, shifting to accommodate him and putting his arm around Seb, pulling him tighter in.

Sebastian wanted to cry from the strain of it all, but he didn't have it in him. He closed his eyes and reached his arm across Mark to cling to him. It felt as though Mark was the only thing stopping him from falling.

 

Mark gave him a squeeze.

“You stood up to him, Seb. You did great, I'm so proud of you.”

 

Sebastian broke at that. He couldn't help it, he was falling now. Falling, falling. Even with his eyes closed everything was spinning. He clung tighter to Mark and let out a sob.

He couldn't stop anything now and Seb was sobbing and shaking in Mark's arms, his face pressed into his chest as Mark held onto him.

 _Shit,_ thought Mark. _Wrong thing to say. Damn,_ _damn_ _._

Mark closed his eyes, knowing there wasn't much more he could do now other than get Seb through this.

 

Fucking, _fucking_ bastard turning up and doing this to him. Seb had been doing so well. Mark had started to think that there was a chance they might even be coming out the other side and now here Seb was in this state. If Mark ever saw Heikki again he would set the dogs on him and sod the consequences.

The dogs were lying at their feet below the sofa. Mark was glad he'd brought them. They'd done well too. Heikki had been afraid of them, the despicable coward. Mark wanted to give them a rub to thank them, but he couldn't let go of Seb right now, they'd have to wait.

 

There was nothing Mark could say to soothe Sebastian in this state. He just had to let it out. Mark could only hold on to him and watch that he didn't go too far.

Mark squeezed Seb tight and pressed a kiss into his hair. He didn't even realise he'd done it, all he could think about was Sebastian being okay. He rested his cheek against Seb's head and left it there. He felt like crying himself, but he couldn't let that happen, not when he had to be strong for Seb.

Sebastian barely felt a thing, his brain wasn't operating properly and he felt numb. He was so lost. He pressed even further into Mark wishing he could just disappear into him.

 

Eventually Mark realised that Sebastian had stopped crying and his sobs were now dry gasps for air. He moved slightly, worrying that Seb might not be getting enough oxygen in that position.

“Seb,” he tried. “Seb, just sit up a little, okay?”

But Sebastian couldn't move. If he let go of Mark even slightly, it felt as though terrible things would happen. He was only safe with Mark. He had to hold onto him.

 

Mark was getting more worried now. He wasn't reaching Seb at all. He tried to lift him away a little, but that was a mistake. Seb instinctively panicked at the loss of contact, and Mark could tell he was getting worse. He didn't even open his eyes as Mark tried to talk him down. His breath was out of sync and Mark knew he was in danger of hurting himself.

Fuck. _Fuck._ He hated seeing Seb like this. Hated what Heikki had done to him all over again.

 

Mark held Seb gently back against him, frightened by the way his breathing was continuing to speed up. Sebastian was spinning out of control; Mark was afraid that any moment now he'd tip over the edge, lose consciousness and go limp in his arms.

“Seb please breathe, okay. Just breathe. Slow down. Please slow down.”

 

Mark shut his eyes tight, he wasn't handling this at all. He was so worried about Seb that his own breathing was getting uneven. He forced himself to still, to take deep slow breaths in the hope that Sebastian would copy him.

“Seb, just breathe with me okay, just breathe with me.”

Mark knew his voice sounded shaken, but he held Seb against his chest and concentrated on the way his ribs rose and fell. Seb's body was still in conflict with itself, his chest working too hard.

 

Sebastian hadn't spoken a word in too long a time and Mark didn't know if he was still with him, but he kept going, trying to reach Seb, to encourage him to echo his controlled breathing.

He held onto him and quietly repeated, “breathe with me Seb, breathe with me.”

At last he thought it must have worked because Seb fell into rhythm with him, breathing in time, their chests moving as one.

 

Mark allowed himself to relax a little. Just as long as he held onto Seb he'd be okay. He wasn't sure if Seb was properly conscious right now or not, but he was breathing steadily and that was enough. Mark could feel Seb's heart beating too fast. He waited for it to slow to match his breathing and gradually it did.

Mark thought Seb might be asleep. He wasn't about to disturb him; Seb was at peace and that was good. Mark let his head fall back against the back of the sofa and almost drifted away himself before jerking back. He couldn't let himself sleep while he was looking after Seb.

 

Time passed, somehow. It had no meaning. Mark had allowed his head to rest down against Sebastian's as he lay against him and Mark wasn't sure if he hadn't drifted off a little despite his intentions. Seb's breathing was slow and steady. He was definitely asleep, but that was okay.

 

Mark left Seb there for as long as he needed. This was just his body's reaction to over-stress; It was if the battery had got too hot and he'd gone into automatic standby to prevent complete system failure.

 

 

 

Eventually Seb awoke and lifted up. He didn't feel panicked any more, just tired out. Mark let go of him and neither one spoke. Mark handed Sebastian his bottle of water and he drank deeply, feeling dehydrated.

“I'm gonna go splash some water on my face,” said Sebastian very quietly.

Mark nodded, wondering if he shouldn't follow him, but although very subdued, Seb seemed okay. Maybe he needed a minute on his own?

  
When he returned Seb looked a little more awake. He sat back down and Mark wondered what he ought to say.

“Will you stay?”

“Of course. Of course I will,” Mark assured.

“I just don't want to be on my own,” explained Seb unnecessarily.

“I'm not going anywhere Seb.”

Mark didn't want to let Sebastian out of his sight.

“We're staying right here, okay?” Mark sat forward and stroked the dogs, they had laid at their feet silently all this time.

 

 

 

A little later on Mark persuaded Seb that he should eat something and they sat in the kitchen while Mark cooked them some pasta. He didn't make a fuss when Seb couldn't manage more than a few mouthfuls, he just gave the rest to the dogs to keep them going.

 

Mark knew that Sebastian wasn't capable of talking too much after he'd been through an ordeal like he had this afternoon, so he just stayed close and they got through the evening as best they could.

 

When it got late enough Seb showed Mark upstairs and pointed out the spare room for him.

Mark nodded. The dogs were still following them everywhere they went and Mark suggested they sleep on Seb's floor that night.

Seb didn't care if it was weak to want that kind of comfort, the thought of Shadow and Simba sitting guard on him all night made him feel better.

“Come on then, I'll just explain to them that they're on duty,” said Mark in the same calm quiet voice he'd found himself using all evening. It was as if any sudden change in tone, any sharp noise or movement would disturb the delicate equilibrium they'd manage to achieve.

 

Mark sat the dogs down and settled them in place at the corner of the bed nearest the door, as Seb used the bathroom.

 

“You need to look after him for me, okay boys?” he whispered, “You let me know if he needs me.”

The very idea of it caused a lump in his throat and as Sebastian walked back in, Mark excused himself and went into the bathroom for a moment to compose himself. He didn't want Seb to see him getting upset.

  
As he walked back out Mark wasn't sure if he should leave Sebastian to it, but he pushed open the door to check on them.

Seb was sat on the edge of the bed in his pyjamas stroking the two dogs stood by him.

 

“Not where I left you boys,” Mark chided softly. “Lie down now.”

Sebastian gave a little smile, “Was that last for them or me?”

“Both I think,” Mark smiled back. He sat down on the bed beside him.

Seb leant in and Mark put his arm around him once more.

“We're not going anywhere, okay Seb. There's nothing to worry about. Just get some sleep now.”

Seb nodded and pulled away. He moved to climb into bed and Mark stood up, he was about to walk out when he paused.

“Do you want me to stay for a bit?” Mark checked.

“Yes,” admitted Sebastian. He always wanted Mark to stay.

“Okay,” Mark assented quietly, "I'll stay."

He sat back down on the side of the bed by Seb's feet.

 

Mark reached down to stroke the dogs on the floor as Sebastian settled himself.

He looked back over and watched as Seb drifted off remarkably quickly.

 

Seb looked so tranquil; His blonde head resting against the pillow; eyes shut, the long lashes moving ever so slightly; lips parted a little as he breathed steadily, his chest rising and falling in time.

He was okay like this, he was safe.

 

Mark tried to relax, but he felt as though his heart was being squeezed tight.

 

“I'll never leave you,” he promised in a hush that Seb never heard.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeek.
> 
> I hope I didn't build that chapter up too much....


	14. No Clear Road

 

 

Sebastian woke up feeling strange. He didn't remember what had happened at first, but before he was even properly awake he was aware that something was off. There was something heavy on his legs.

Seb sat up slightly and saw Mark slumped across the bottom of the bed, lying over his lower legs. Mark's own long legs still stretched out over the side of the bed reaching the floor. It would have been comical, but on seeing him Seb remembered what had happened and why Mark was there. It was like a weight crashing down on him.

But Mark was still there. He hadn't left him. He must have stayed watching over Seb until he literally fell asleep where he sat.

He looked uncomfortable. Sebastian felt a little guilty. Poor Mark, he always seemed to put Seb first. How was he ever meant to repay his concern and care? And he did care. Sebastian had no doubt about that. He'd been there so quickly yesterday, as soon as Seb had called him, Mark had been there. Seb couldn't bear to think what would have happened if Mark hadn't been there. What if Heikki had turned up when Mark had been away? Seb felt sick thinking about what could have happened.

 

He tried to shut out all the horrible scenarios crowding into his head. They hadn't happened. Mark had come and Heikki had left. Seb had told Heikki to leave and he had gone. That seemed almost impossible, but it had happened. He didn't want to think right now about whether it was enough to keep him away.

Seb tried to move his feet from under Mark, but he weighed too much. He was just wondering what he should do when his alarm blared out. He tried to shut it off but it woke Mark who shot up, clearly disorientated and confused as to where he was. It woke the dogs too who leapt up barking at the foot of the bed.

 

“Oh, _god._ ”

Mark rubbed his face and stretched his back. Fair to say he hadn't had a good night's sleep.

“Hey,” greeted Sebastian awkwardly.

“Mmphh.” Mark gathered his senses and looked at Seb. “Hey Seb. You okay?”

Seb nodded. He thought so, although his body felt strangely heavy and despite getting a full night's sleep, he still felt tired.

“I'm sorry about the alarm.” Seb apologised.

Then it hit him; He'd set the alarm after getting up yesterday because he was due in the factory today.

“Shit, Mark I'm meant to be in work this morning.”

It was the last thing he needed right now.

 

Mark wasn't sure what to say, he wasn't convinced that Seb would be up to that today.

“Is it important?”

“That I'm in?”

Mark nodded.

Seb sighed, “it's prep for Monaco. Everyone's going to be there.”

There was no getting out if it.

Then he remembered; “Damn, I'm meant to have been though all my notes for it.”

There was a load of work he should to have done. That was what he'd been about to do yesterday, when...

A chill went through him. He didn't want to think about that.

“That doesn’t matter now Seb, alright. Don't worry about that.”

 

In the scale of things it really wasn't important that Seb hadn't done his homework.

“I can't miss this meeting,” stated Sebastian, suddenly feeling more wobbly than he had done before. He didn't want to have to face all those people right now.

“Seb,” started Mark, “don't worry about that right now okay.”

Surely there was no way Seb was up to getting through a big team meeting in Milton Keynes this morning? He'd been through far too much yesterday to suddenly be fine after a night's sleep.

“Mark, I can't miss it. I just can't.”

 

Sebastian didn't even want to think about the fact that there was a race weekend coming up, never mind a meeting about it. The idea of sitting there with everyone looking at him, analysing him, was too much right now. He wanted to slide back down into bed with Mark sat there and the dogs lying on the floor and just make the outside world go away.

Here in this room with them he was secure, outside of that he didn't know any more.

But he didn't have any choice. He had to face the world, however much it frightened him.

 

Seb pushed himself up out of bed. Mark tried to think of something to say to persuade him that he shouldn't go, but he knew how vital these meetings were in the run up to a race. Seb couldn't just skip it unnoticed.

 

Sebastian shut himself in the bathroom and tried to compose himself. He found himself staring at the lock, thinking how little it would have taken for Heikki to have broken it and got to him if he had managed to get inside the house. If Mark hadn't been there yesterday he was sure that Heikki would have found a way into the house eventually. And then what could have happened? Seb felt sick thinking about it. He would have got to him. There was no doubt. Heikki would have got to him and Seb would not have been able to stop him. He felt sick.

Seb showered and tried not to think about it.

He dressed in his room as Mark took his turn in the bathroom and tried not to think about it.

He sat downstairs eating the breakfast that Mark insisted he eat and he tried not to think about it.

 

The food churned in his stomach. He would have had no way to stop Heikki if Mark hadn't been there. He would never have had the strength to tell Heikki to leave if Mark hadn't been there. And even if he had told him to go, he didn't think Heikki would have done so if he had been alone.

Heikki would have laughed in his face as he had done back when Seb had foolishly tried to stand up to him before, when he'd tried to fire him all those months ago. He would have laughed at him and Seb would have crumbled and Heikki would have won. And then... Oh god, Seb knew what would have happened next. It would have been as it had always been in the past; Heikki would have done as he pleased. And that usually meant hurting Seb; taunting him and revelling in his power over him; physically attacking him, knowing just how to cause the most pain; and once he'd subdued him, Heikki would have made sure that Sebastian understood just how weak he really was.

Seb felt his skin getting hot. There was a word for that. What Heikki had done to him, whether he had fought back or not, whether Sebastian had tried pointlessly to resist Heikki's greater strength and determination or whether he'd just submitted hopelessly to the inevitable, it meant the same thing. He couldn't stand to even think the word, never mind say it. Henry had tried to make him understand that he had to recognise what it really was if he was to realise that it wasn't his fault. Both he and Mark had told Seb over and over that it wasn't his fault. It was Heikki who had done that to him. It was Heikki, not Sebastian who had made that happen. He hadn't been able to stop it happening.

Shit. Seb felt too hot. Sweat was creeping over his skin as he tried not to think about what could have happened yesterday. If Heikki had got in the house. If Mark hadn't been there. Oh god. He had to get some air.

 

Seb scraped back the chair from the kitchen table and hurriedly got to his feet. He barely heard Mark asking if he was okay as he rushed from the room and yanked open the front door to get outside. To get some fresh air. To breathe properly.

Oh **_god._**

He felt sick. He couldn't stop visualising what could have happened. Images of what had happened to him in the past found their way into his head and he couldn't make it stop. _Heikki._ Heikki's face as he taunted him, his hands on his body pinning him down. Shit, shit, shit.

Seb stumbled to the edge of the flowerbed and threw up.

 

There were hands on his arms holding him up. Seb tried to throw them off, unable to to think of anything but Heikki's hands on him, gripping him, forcing bruises into his skin. _  
_

 

Mark let go of him, trying not to feel hurt as Seb pushed him away.

“ _Seb._ Seb are you okay?”

He was shocked at how quickly that had happened; Seb had been too quiet, but he hadn't realised how bad it was until he'd dashed from the room and by the time Mark had caught up with him Seb was outside.

 

Sebastian was holding himself up, leaning one hand against his car parked on the drive.

Mark moved around so that he was facing Seb.

“Seb?”

He tried to establish eye-contact. Sebastian eventually looked up at Mark and took a deep breath. Seb suddenly understood that it was Mark that he had shoved away when he was trying to help him.

“I'm sorry Mark, I didn't mean to...”

“It's alright,” Mark interrupted, “it's fine. Are you okay?”

 

 _Shit,_ Mark looked so concerned and Seb had just pushed him away.

“I'm _sorry_ Mark.”

“Don't worry about it, okay Seb. Just...” Mark looked around, “...just come and sit down a minute, alright?”

Mark tentatively took Seb by the elbow and when he didn't resist he lead him over to the front doorstep and sat him down, crouching down on the gravel in front of him.

“Do you want me to get you some water?”

Seb nodded and Mark left him for a moment.

 

Sebastian breathed in the cool morning air and felt a little better. It was a beautiful morning. There was a clear blue sky and a gentle breeze. It seemed so remote from the terrible images that had been in his head a moment ago.

 

Mark reappeared with a bottle of water and sat down next to him as he drank it.

“I'm really sorry Mark. I didn't mean to do that,” Seb apologised again. He hated that for brief moment Mark and Heikki had become confused in his mind.

“It's okay. Seb, what just happened there?” Mark sadly didn't have to think too hard to guess.

Sebastian took a drink of water to settle himself.

“I...” he took in a lungful of clean air, “I can't stop thinking about what could have happened.”

 

Seb could feel the cold sweat clinging to him.

Mark nodded in understanding. Of course that was it.

“Yeah, but it didn't. Okay. Nothing bad happened Seb. I would never have let anything happen.”

“But what if you hadn't been here?”

Mark swallowed. He didn't want to think about that.

“You were the one who told him to go Seb, okay. That's why he left. Not because of me.”

Seb looked at him. He wasn't sure he really believed that.

“But if you hadn't been here...” he protested.

“But I _was._ Okay? That's all that matters. Focus on what actually happened mate. That's what's important. Don't let him mess with your head. That's what he'd want.”

Seb nodded even though he knew that it was impossible to stop himself from going to the worst recesses of his memories and imagining how they could have been repeated.

 

Mark shifted up and sat so he was leant against Seb.

“You stood up to him and he buggered off as fast as he could. I don't think he was expecting that,” Mark gave Seb a little friendly nudge, “I'm not even sure I was. You're a tough little sod. People shouldn't underestimate you.”

Sebastian rested his head against Mark's shoulder.

Mark _had_ been there. That was what mattered. Seb was strong when Mark was there. He could face almost anything, even Heikki, if Mark was there with him.

 

They sat there for a few minutes without speaking.

Eventually Seb sat up and looked at his watch.

“I'm going to be late.”

Mark looked at him, surprised. “Seb, you're not really thinking of going in today?”

“Mark, I have to. I can't miss this meeting. It's really important.”

Mark shook his head. Sebastian wasn't to be deterred. Maybe he could handle it? Seb surprised him all the time with what he coped with, how strong he was.

He looked pale though. Was it good that Seb forced himself through these things when he was suffering inside? Didn't that do more damage?

Mark didn't know what to do.

 

Sebastian decided for him. He started to get up and Mark followed, checking to see that Seb was really alright.

He seemed to be managing for now.

Mark put a hand on his arm.

“Alright then, but I think we need to talk to Christian, okay?”

Sebastian hesitated, “I don't want to tell him. I just want it all to go away.”

Mark hated how sad Seb sounded as he finished that sentence.

“Seb, we can't just ignore what happened. Heikki broke his restraining order by coming here. We need to speak to Christian and see what can be done about that.”

“Mark I don't want any fuss,” Seb pleaded.

“He can't just get away with it Seb. There have to be consequences,” _or he'll know he can get away with it,_ Mark didn't complete his sentence.

 

Sebastian sighed knowing Mark wasn't going to be dissuaded and knowing, at least in part, that Mark was right.

“You're coming with me.” It wasn't a question.

“Yeah mate, of course.”

 

 

 

“Seb.”

Christian rose up to greet him as Sebastian walked into his office. He was just about to explain where they were holding the meeting, when Mark followed Seb into the room.

Mark looked like hell and Seb didn't look much better; He looked very pale.

Christian didn't need to be told to understand that something had happened and it wasn't anything good.

 

Sebastian havered before copying Mark and taking a seat on the other side of Christian's desk.

“What's happened?” Christian asked as he resumed his seat.

Mark shot him a dark look. It wasn't hard to guess what territory they were in here.

“Seb?” Christian questioned.

 

Sebastian looked at him briefly but said nothing. He turned to Mark who raised his eyebrows slightly at Seb as if asking a question. Seb gave a small nod, which Mark returned.

Christian was about to ask if they might consider including him in their 'conversation', when Mark said “okay,” quietly to Sebastian whilst still ignoring Christian.

 

Mark took a deep breath as he turned to face him. Christian thought how tired he looked.

“Heikki showed up,” said Mark bluntly.

“Fuck,” breathed Christian. He hadn't been expecting that. _Bloody hell._

“At your house?” he looked at Seb.

Sebastian nodded.

“When?”

“Yesterday,” answered Seb quietly.

“Shit. What happened?”

Seb looked at him; How was he supposed to explain this?

“Did he threaten you?”

“Umm, not exactly...”

He couldn't tell his boss that he'd not heard most of what Heikki had said because he'd been hiding in the bathroom. It was pathetic.

“Of course it was threatening,” insisted Mark. Just being there was threatening.

“I was upstairs, mostly.” Seb knew that was deliberately vague.

 

Christian wasn't sure if he should press Sebastian for details.

“Did he, I mean, did he do anything?” Asked Christian, not wanting to be too specific. Seb looked unsettled, upset maybe, but not hurt.

“He just yelled a bit, banged on the door.”

Seb shifted uncomfortably. He couldn't tell him how terrified he had been. How even having to talk about it made him feel nervous and ill at ease.

“ _Seb,_ ” Mark intervened, he frowned at Sebastian. He wasn't going to let Sebastian play this down. Christian needed to appreciate the serious effect Heikki appearing had had on Seb.

“That must have been very intimidating,” suggested Christian, trying to convey that he understood.

Seb gave a small shrug, “yeah, I guess.”

 

He really didn't want to think about this here. He didn't want all that to intrude on his work, he had to keep that separate. He wished they were having this conversation somewhere else; at home, at Mark's home, anywhere but here. Heikki couldn't be a part of this, he couldn't ruin his professional life as well as his personal life. Seb's skin was starting to prickle uncomfortably. He didn't want to be here.

“Were you there?” Christian asked Mark.

“Seb called me. He'd been there a while by the time I arrived.”

Christian nodded. Thank heavens for Mark. “I take it you got him to leave somehow?”

“Seb got him to leave,” corrected Mark, looking over at Sebastian hoping the reminder might pick him up a bit.

“Did you?” asked Christian sounding slightly amazed. “How?”

Seb shrugged again, “I don't know, I just asked him to leave.”

Christian looked impressed. “Well, that's good I guess.”

 

“But he could just come back, any time. He knows where I am now.”

Sebastian looked at the floor, he couldn't stand how fearful that made him sound, but the idea circulated round his head over and over; Heikki would be back, he could be there now, looking through the windows of the house to try to see if Seb was there.

“He shouldn't have been there at all,” stated Mark, “he broke his restraining order.”

Of course. Christian remembered about that. Heikki wasn't allowed anywhere near Seb.

“No he shouldn't. Seb you know he's not allowed to do that.”

Seb nodded, still looking down.

“What do we do?” asked Mark, hoping that Christian would be able to help take some action to deal with the threat.

Christian puffed out a breath. He wasn't sure what the procedure was, this was hardly his area of expertise.

“I take it you didn't call the police?”

Seb shook his head and Mark confirmed, “No.”

Mark gave Christian a look; Obviously that wasn't an option given Seb's fear of publicity on the matter.

“Right,” Christian ran his hand through hair. He was going to have none left at this rate. “Okay, I really don't know what we need to do here. I think I need to consult legal.”

Seb started up, “Christian, I don't want any fuss.”

Christian paused, looking at both of them. Sebastian looked pained, Mark had put his hand on his arm.

“Seb, we have to show him he can't do this,” insisted Mark.

 

Christian checked his watch. He should be setting up the meeting right now.

“Look, just let me get a quick word with them. See what's what.”

Sebastian looked at him unhappily.

“I need to see what we can do, okay Seb. It's the same people who set up the order in the first place,” he explained, trying to emphasise that he wasn't drawing any more people into this.

“Okay,” conceded Sebastian reluctantly.

 

Christian left the pair in his office to shoot over to the other side of the building. He called in at Adrian's office and told him to stall the meeting while he sorted something out.

 

 

Christian returned looking apprehensive. He perched on the edge of the desk in front of them.

“Look, I know you're not going to like this, but they say we have to report this to the police.”

Seb felt a wash of heat through his body. The blood was flowing too fast already.

Mark looked at Christian, his face taut. It was what he'd feared he would say.

“Seb.” Mark turned to Sebastian, knowing how he would react to this news.

“No,” Sebastian's voice sounded shaky.

“Seb, they need the incident officially reported to take the matter further,” explained Christian.

“I don't want the police.”

Sebastian felt helpless. If the police got involved all this could come out. After managing to keep things quiet all this time, he could be exposed, everyone would know what had happened. The fear was starting to overwhelm him.

“It's okay,” reassured Mark.

“Seb, if we're going to put a stop to this we have to raise the stakes, we have to be able to threaten prosecution...”

“Prosecution?” Seb looked horrified. A court case? Oh god this was getting worse and worse. He felt his breath getting short.

Mark reached out to rest his hand on Seb's arm again. He looked at Christian annoyed; the last thing Seb needed right now was to feel _more_ threatened.

Christian raised up his hand in a stopping gesture.

“Just a report Seb, alright.”

 

Seb shook his head. This couldn't happen. He felt nauseous. The police couldn't get involved. This was all getting out of hand.

Mark turned properly to Sebastian. He could see him getting worked up.

“Seb, don't freak out. We're just talking here.”

  
Everything had been going so well. Sebastian had thought he was going to get away with leaving his past behind and now it had caught up with him. He'd been stupid to think it could be so easy. He'd put his life back together and now Heikki had turned up and everything was in danger of crashing around him.

He felt horrible. His blood was too hot, this couldn't be happening here, this couldn't happen here, not here.

He was going to be sick.

 

Mark saw Seb slipping; What little colour he'd had before had drained away.

Sebastian suddenly shot up and dived out of the room.

“Shit.”

Mark turned back from watching Sebastian run out of the room to look angrily at Christian. He shook his head.

“Did you have to tell him that?”

Christian raised his hands at a loss.

“Mark, what did you want me to say? It's what they told me!”

“He's not up to that, okay? This has really hit him hard. He's not up to going to the police. You know how worried he is about publicity Christian.”

“Mark I'm sorry,” he apologised, running his fingers through his hair once again.

Bloody, _bloody_ Heikki turning up and undoing all the progress Seb had made, thought Christian.

“I'm trying to help. I don't know what else to do.”

None of this had been in the Team Principle job description.

 

“I know, I know mate, but...” Mark sighed deeply, he couldn't stand seeing what this was doing to Seb.

“Was it bad, yesterday?” queried Christian.

Mark shot him a look and then nodded.

“Yeah, pretty bad. The bastard has absolutely no remorse. I don't know how he found him.”

“No. Well, now he has you know we have to do something to protect Seb.”

“I know.”

Mark was resigned. He was going to have to hurt Seb to help him again. It killed him to think it, but he knew it was true.

 

“I don't like to think what could have happened if you hadn't been around Mark.”

“ _Don't,”_ cut Mark.

He couldn't stop thinking about it, he'd barely slept last night for worrying about what could have happened, what could happen in future.

“We have to put a stop to him.”

Mark nodded.

“It's the effect it has on him. Just seeing him, the _idea_ of seeing him,” Mark sounded anguished. “It's set him so far back.”

Mark felt his heart compress. Seb had been doing so well until that bastard showed up again. He wanted to kill Heikki.

“I need to go find him.”

Mark felt guilty he hadn't immediately followed Seb out of the room. He was going to have to look for him now.

 

 

Christian let out a heavy sigh as Mark walked out of his office. What a god awful mess. He had no idea if he was handling this right. It was awful seeing Sebastian like this, seeing the effect Heikki had on him. He had to find a way to fix it.

 

 

Mark found Seb in the toilets after looking for him outside. Thankfully there was no one else around. He could hear him throwing up in one of the stalls.

“Seb, it's me.” Mark tapped lightly on the door.

There was no response. Mark supposed it was technically possible it was someone other than Sebastian being ill in that cubicle, but he was sure that it was Seb.

“Seb, are you alright?”

 

It had gone quiet. A few minutes passed before Sebastian emerged. Mark moved out of his way while he went over to the sink to wash his face and rinse his mouth out. He looked terrible. Mark knew he shouldn't have let Seb come here today. He should have called Christian to explain.

Seb turned his back to the sinks and leant against them to face Mark.

“Seb let's just go okay? You don't have to do this now.”

Seb shook his head.

Mark shook his head despairingly in return, “Jesus, you're a stubborn little bugger.”

He wondered whether that wasn't perhaps a good thing in the end, but right now Sebastian was pushing himself too hard. Mark wanted to insist that they leave, but he didn't have it in him to go against Seb.

 

Mark puffed out a long breath. “Fine, do you think you're alright to go back through?”

Sebastian finally spoke, “I guess.”

Mark crossed the room and put a hand on Seb's shoulder, looking him in the eye.

“Seb, we're just talking, okay. Don't get ahead of yourself in there.”

Sebastian gave Mark a fractional nod.

 

Christian put down the phone as Mark and Sebastian walked back into his office. He'd rung down to the meeting room to get them to delay a little longer, explaining that he had a few more things to sort out.

He looked up. Sebastian looked positively grey now, he reckoned the best thing would be to send him home.

“Sebby, just go home, alright. We can talk tomorrow.”

Seb sat back down, as did Mark, pulling his chair closer to Sebastian's as he sat.

“The meeting...” started Sebastian.

“Can wait. I can catch you up before the weekend,” assured Christian.

Assuming Seb was even up to racing this weekend. At the moment Christian thought that was by no means guaranteed.

“No, I'm okay,” insisted Sebastian unconvincingly.

Christian looked at him and then at Mark, who returned his look of exasperation.

“Seb...” he started.

“No, Christian I have to do this. I can't let him stop me.”

 

Racing was the one good thing he had in his life; Other than Mark, obviously. This season was hard enough without Seb missing out on preparing properly for races, what hope did he have if that happened?

 

Christian regarded him for a moment, deciding on the nearest thing he could think of to a plan.

“Okay, if you're sure, you stay then. We'll continue this afterwards.”

He paused, wondering if this was interfering too much. “I think you should probably see if you can get an appointment with your therapist too Seb.”

 

They had two days till they left for Monaco, Christian wanted Seb to have an outside chance of getting to a place where he could concentrate on driving the car.

 

“Okay?” He prompted.

Seb nodded.

“Okay then,” confirmed Christian. “We'll head down. Why don't you try to see if you can get hold of, Henry, isn't it?” Sebastian had mentioned him a few times in their discussions.

Seb nodded again. He didn't have the energy to do anything else.

“Right, well you can catch me up then. We're in the main conference suite.”

He stood up and made for the door before halting and turning back around.

“Seb I'm going to let people know you're not feeling too well.” Seb made to protest, but Christian continued, “just a bug going around, alright? So if you need to, you step out. Yes?”

He looked firmly at Sebastian waiting for his consent.

“Okay... Christian, I haven't been through any of the notes,” Seb confessed.

 

Christian looked at him, wondering how Seb could still worry about such things in the circumstances. He wasn't expecting Sebastian to do more than try to sit through the meeting.

“It's fine Seb, don't worry about it. Just join us in a minute.”

Christian tried to look reassuring at Seb, he hoped he was in a good enough state to judge if he needed to go out of the meeting. People would accept his excuse that Seb was ill, they had no idea what was really going on and Christian wanted to keep it that way.

“Mark, I guess you'll be okay waiting in here?”

“Sure.”

He nodded at Mark in acknowledgement and left. As he walked downstairs Christian thought once again how thankful he was for Mark's presence. If he could have thought of a way to include him, he'd have asked him join them at the meeting. He almost smiled at the idea that it would probably take most of the team a few minutes before they remembered that Mark shouldn't actually be there any more.

 

Seb pulled his phone out of his pocket and stared at it for a moment before dialling Dr. Menton's number. The call connected, but at hearing his voice Sebastian inexplicably panicked, thrusting the phone into Mark's hand.

Mark looked at him, thrown for a moment, before raising the phone to his ear.

 

“Hello? Hello Seb? Is everything alright?” asked Henry, clearly confused by the silence that had met him on picking up the call.

“Hi, umm, yeah, not Seb, umm, this is Mark,” stumbled Mark.

“Mark? Is Sebastian okay?”

Mark looked at Seb who was staring at him, clearly uncomfortable, but expecting Mark to make things right as always.

“Not exactly mate, no. That's why we're calling isn't it?”

“I see,” stopped Henry. He was pretty certain he shouldn't be having this conversation if Mark wanted to discuss his patient.

“Sorry, I mean I'm calling on his behalf,” adjusted Mark.

He'd sounded rude he realised, he did that a lot without meaning to.

“Look, is there any chance you could see him, maybe later today? It's important.”

“Something happened over the weekend?”

Henry presumed it must have done seeing as he'd seen Sebastian on Friday as usual and he'd seemed fine, better than fine actually.

“Heikki.” said Mark flatly.

“What about him?”

“He turned up at Seb's yesterday,” explained Mark.

He didn't like the way Seb tensed up as he spoke so he instinctively reached over and took Sebastian's hand.

“Bloody hell,” exclaimed Henry, losing his cool medical persona. He knew only too well what that meant for Sebastian. “Is he okay?”

Mark wanted to tell him, that no, obviously Seb was not okay, what did he expect? But he restrained himself and replied calmly.

“He's doing fine,” he squeezed Seb hand, “but I think it would be a good idea if perhaps you could see him before he has to go away for the race this week. Can you fit him in?”

“Right, okay. Hmm, hang on.” Dr. Menton reached for his diary, “It'll have to be later. Five pm?”

He didn't actually have any spare time. Five pm meant staying to see Seb after all his appointments had finished.

Mark held the phone down, letting go of Seb's hand to cover it.

“Five?”

Seb assented.

“Okay.”

Henry paused, “Is he there?”

“Yeah.”

“May I speak to him?”

Mark held the phone out to Seb, signalling that he wanted a word.

“Hi,” said Seb awkwardly.

“Hey Seb, I suppose asking if you're okay is rather pointless.”

Seb just hmm'd agreement.

“Alright, well, hang in there Seb. I'll see you later.”

“Okay.”

 

Seb hung up and puffed out a breath.

“Thank you.”

“No problem mate. Okay, so that's one thing at least.”

Seb nodded. Mark worried again about how quiet he was.

“I'd better go.” Sebastian

It was Mark's turn to nod as Seb left the room and headed off to the meeting. He was just going to have to sit there worrying about Seb until it was over.

 

 

It was several hours later before Sebastian emerged from the meeting and returned to Christian's office ahead of him.

It had felt as though the meeting would never end. Sebastian had tried to focus intently on all the technical discussions to block everything else out, but he didn't seem to have absorbed very much of it. He'd got through it though, which in itself was a minor miracle.

Seb had felt nauseous throughout, sipping his water carefully and looking at the door at the end of the long table, trying to remember where the nearest bathroom and exit outside were, just in case.

He had managed to give a few brief answers to questions from the engineers. Thankfully they hadn't asked too much of him, Seb assumed Christian had warned them off before he got there, as Daniel had spoken far more. He usually did though, so perhaps people hadn't noticed that quite so much.

At least it sounded as though they stood half a chance in Monaco, so that was something. One positive thing he could actually take away from today.

 

 

As Seb walked back into the office he saw that Mark had fallen asleep sat up in his chair; his head sunk against his chest and his arms limp at his sides. It didn't look very comfortable.

He must be exhausted, thought Seb. He couldn't help feeling once again how much he owed Mark, how much he needed him.

“Mark,” said Sebastian, gently shaking his arm as he sat down next to him.

Mark jolted up, blinking at Seb as he woke up properly.

“Hey,”

“Hey,” Mark rubbed at his face, “Didn't mean to do that. I wasn't dribbling was I?”

He gave Seb a smile.

Seb shook his head, “No, you're alright. Christian's coming up in a minute.”

“You're all done?”

“Yeah.”

“How was it?”

“Okay I guess. Daniel smiles too much.”

“Yeah mate, I know.”

Mark still thought Sebastian didn't look too great, but if he'd survived the meeting he was doing well. He put his arm about Seb and gave him a half hug as they sat there waiting for Christian to return.

 

Christian walked into his office and Seb and Mark broke apart. He wondered again what exactly the situation was between the two of them, but now was hardly the time to ask. He was just glad Mark was there for Sebastian. He needed him.

 

Christian was juggling three cups of coffee with him and he handed them out as he entered. Mark was particularly grateful for it as he felt distinctly groggy from his accidental nap.

Christian thought he could do with a little reviving himself. Those team meetings dragged after a while. He also thought it might be useful to give Seb a little distraction as he knew that he was about to suggest something that he wouldn't like.

 

They drank for a little while as Christian attempted a little small talk about how things were looking for Monaco and got confirmation that they'd got hold of Sebastian's therapist.

 

“Okay, good, good. Well, then...” Christian hesitated, trying to judge if Sebastian seemed up to facing this. “Look, I know you don't want to, but I don't think we have much choice but to listen to what legal said about reporting what happened.”

Seb went as if to speak and then sighed. There was no choice. If Heikki didn't pay any attention to the restraining order then he could just do what he wanted. They had to try to make him stay away.

“Do we really have to call the police?” checked Mark.

“I just came back via the legal office to ask, and yeah, Seb I'm sorry, it sounds like we do, but...” Christian held his hand up to stop Mark interrupting, “one of the team I just spoke to says he has a contact, a friend, on the force here, that he could call.”

“A friend?” asked Seb.

“That we're just supposed to trust?” queried Mark suspiciously.

“Yeah, I know, but like I say, I don't think we have a lot of choice here. Alex, the guy from legal, thinks he can make sure this guy would keep a report confidential.”

 

Sebastian didn't like the sound of any of this; trusting someone who knew someone who knew someone? But what was the alternative?

Christian looked at Seb, “what do you think?”

Seb puffed out a breath, “If we don't have any choice, we don't have any choice.”

He felt so heavy, as though his limbs wouldn't work if he tried to stand.

“Okay,” said Christian. He stood up before any of them had chance to change their mind. “I'm gonna go over and have a word with him then.”

 

As Christian left to head back over to the legal office Mark turned to Sebastian.

“You're sure about this?”

Seb huffed out a little air. “No. Not really. But if the alternative is hoping he just goes away, I guess doing something is better. I just,” he sighed, “I just hope we can trust whoever this guy is.”

“Yeah mate, me too.”

They really had no choice.

 

 

It was several hours and countless cups of coffee later before Sebastian and Mark finally left the factory. The friend of the team lawyer had been persuaded to come in and take the report there and then and so Seb had endured an afternoon of sitting in Christian's office in a committee, with Mark and Christian sat there as the police officer took a statement and the lawyer worked out the legal warning letter that could be sent to Heikki.

Neither Mark nor Sebastian were sure that they could trust a stranger, but at least they hadn't had to go into much detail beyond harassment. Seb had hated every moment of it, but at least Mark had been there throughout. It could have been worse. He didn't think he could have done it if Mark hadn't been sat by his side.

Now they just had to wait and pray that they could trust him to keep the matter confidential.

 

 

Mark pulled up the car in Oxford on the double yellow lines outside Dr. Menton's building; he was past caring about parking tickets.

Seb was sat there, clearly hesitating before getting out of the car.

“Seb, if this is too much, then maybe skip it eh? This has been a really long day.”

Too long really, thought Mark. He wasn't sure if it was better for Seb to get the chance to talk things out a bit with his psychologist, or whether he was too tired after everything he'd been through today.

Sebastian still sat there pinching his lips together, clearly torn about saying something.

Mark turned further round in his seat and put his hand on Seb's elbow.

“Maybe he can just fit you in tomorrow instead? Would that be better? I'm sure he wont mind too much,” suggested Mark, thinking that it might be best just to get Seb home.

Seb decided, “No, it's okay. Umm, Mark, would you come in with me?”

Mark frowned, “Come in? You mean wait?”

“No,” clarified Seb, “I mean come in with me. To see Henry. Would you do that?”

He knew it was too much to ask.

Mark was surprised. Seb had never suggested anything like this before, but then they hadn't been in this situation before.

“If you want me to. Sure.”

He gave Sebastian a reassuring smile and felt bad when Seb looked so plainly relieved at his response. Didn't Seb know he'd do anything for him?

 

 

Dr. Menton looked up from his desk as he heard the knock at his door.

“Yes, Sebastian come on in,” he welcomed. He tried not to look too surprised when Mark followed him in.

He stood up and offered his hand. “Mark, I presume?”

“Yeah, hi mate.” Mark shook the hand as Sebastian stood awkwardly by.

“Good to finally meet you,” smiled Henry. He'd heard so much about Mark, it felt as though he knew him.

“Likewise.”

“So, well, are you waiting? Would you like a drink?”

 

There was a small room outside that had a couple of chairs set along the wall that served as a waiting room although it was little more than a corridor.

 

Mark turned and looked at Sebastian questioningly.

“I want him to stay,” said Seb sounding determined.

Dr. Menton knitted his brow.

“That's not really how this works Seb.”

Seb's shoulders sagged and Mark automatically moved closer to him.

“It's okay,” Mark reassured, “I'll just be outside, alright.”

“No,” Sebastian shook his head, “Please Henry, I want Mark here.” He jutted his chin out a little.

 

Dr. Menton sighed, Sebastian had to be one of the most difficult patients he had; when his mind was made up about something, he would not be moved.

Seb looked tired though, so did Mark for that matter, and Seb had sounded shaken when they had spoken briefly earlier when the emergency appointment had been requested.

Special circumstances, decided Dr. Menton.

Mark was about to repeat his reassurances to Sebastian and excuse himself to wait outside when Henry spoke.

“Okay. Alright then Seb, if that's what you need. It's not what I would normally...” Dr. Menton rubbed at his beard, “not what we really ought to...”

 _Sod it,_  he thought, Seb looked terrible, he should do whatever Seb needed right now. His worst nightmare had shown up; If Seb needed Mark to stay, he needed him to stay. Sod protocol.

 

“Let's just count this as a chat through things between sessions then, alright Seb?”

Seb nodded, looking immediately much more at ease.

“You're happy to stay Mark?” verified Dr. Menton.

“Of course,” agreed Mark. He'd do whatever Seb asked of him.

“Very well then.” Dr. Menton turned his chair around and sat down.

 

Mark gave Sebastian an encouraging little smile and joined him as he sat on the couch opposite.

Seb took a deep breath and regarded Dr. Menton apprehensively. Mark slid his hand into Seb's and gave it a squeeze. He didn't quite know what to expect of this, but it didn't matter, Seb needed him, so he would be here.

Seb looked over at Henry, not knowing where to start, only knowing that this was going to be horrible; yet another thing to endure in a day that seemed to have thrown one excruciating experience after another at him. He was so tired of it all.

He squeezed Mark's hand back. It was okay, he'd be okay. He could get through this if Mark was here.

Mark was here when he needed him, he always was. Seb held Mark's hand tightly, he never wanted to let go.

 

 


	15. Just A Face In The Crowd

Mark and Sebastian were sat on the harbour wall looking out at all the yachts filled with party-goers and celebrities as the light faded.

 

Mark clinked his bottle against Seb's.

“Cheers mate,” he smiled.

“Cheers,” Seb smiled back.

He only had a water unlike Mark with his beer, but it was a little celebration in a way. So far, so good this weekend. Just about.

'Just about' was far better than Seb had been expecting arriving in Monaco after the horrendous past week, but as the team had predicted, the car suited the winding streets that made up the classic track and Seb could feel positive. He wanted to make the most of that feeling.

 

“Good stuff; second row,” stated Mark.

“Mmm, yeah. I know I could have had third, but for the ERS playing up.”

Seb tried not to sound too disappointed. Fourth was good really. He had a good chance from there. Maybe not to challenge the Mercedes, but he might be able to jump Daniel at the start, and then stay in contention in case anything happened to one of the leaders. This was Monaco; things often happened here that no one expected. He was in with a chance, that was all he could ask.

“They've got it in hand though right?” asked Mark.

“Long night for the guys I think, but they seemed confident, so...” Sebastian shrugged, he had to trust they'd have it all fixed by race time tomorrow.

 

The RedBull mechanics wouldn't be out partying tonight. Neither would they; Seb and Mark had no desire to be on one of those boats filled with poseurs and money men and skinny sharp-eyed girls on the make. Seb had got through his PR commitments as quickly as possible all weekend, grateful that Christian had done his best to keep them to the absolute minimum, and now they were free to do as they pleased.

This little timeout by the water side was more their style. No one was paying any attention to them sat here. It felt as though no one had been paying any attention to Seb all weekend. Everyone were so caught up with the melodrama over at Mercedes that RedBull was an after-thought. Besides which, the principality was wall-to-wall with famous faces, so a couple of drivers hanging out in public in their normal clothes barely drew any eyes from those making their way to the heaving bars and clubs at the other end of town.

 

Mark was glad he'd come. It had actually been Christian's suggestion, although Mark had been thinking it might be a good idea for him to accompany Seb this weekend. Christian had come up with a few token PR events for Mark to show his face at to excuse his being there and once Mark had readily agreed to coming, the team had taken care of all the arrangements.

Seb was doing remarkably well so far. Mark was amazed at how he managed to shut out his problems and focus on his job. Of course it didn't hurt that the car seemed to be going reasonably well around here; Next team down from the streaking ahead Mercedes was as good as they could hope for this year. Mark was praying that tomorrow would result in more of the same for Sebastian; A decent race would mean a lot and would be a reward for him making the effort to be here.

 

“Sure you'll be fine Seb. We've done pretty well around here in the past few years.”

“You more than me,” remarked Seb; Mark had the two wins in Monaco to Seb's single victory a couple of years back.

Mark laughed, “well, thanks for reminding me, but I meant the team generally.”

Seb gave him a little dig in the ribs, “Yeah, you _say_ that.”

“Ah, but that's my lot now isn't it, you've got plenty of time to add to your tally.”

“Hmm, maybe not this year though.”

“Well, maybe not, but you never know Seb. You just gotta hang on in here at Monaco, stranger things have happened.”

Mark gave a gentle little push back with his arm. Sebastian was still so young, he had plenty of years left in his career to achieve things. Mark was sure that if he could just get though this bad year in one piece, Seb would go on and break all the records he hadn't already set.

 

“Yeah, I will. I will.”

Sebastian knew he had half a chance here. He just had to forget about everything else and concentrate on driving the car to the best of his ability. He might not be able to control the other things going on in his life, but get him behind a wheel and he should be able to control that. _Should_. Assuming the car held together of course.

“I'm glad you're here, you know?” Seb smiled at Mark.

At one point he'd thought he was never going to make it here this weekend, but with Mark here it didn't seem half as bad. A race weekend was always so busy it didn't leave much time for thinking about anything else and that was no bad thing either.

“Course, where else would I be?”

Seb looked at his watch, “walking the dogs probably.”

Mark gave a little laugh, “yeah, guess I would. I hope Pauline's not being run off her feet by them.”

 

They'd left the housekeeper dog-sitting and she hadn't looked entirely thrilled at the return to duty after Seb and Mark had managed to cover this between them over the past few months.

“Poor things wont know whether they're coming or going,” commented Seb.

Shadow and Simba had spent the early part of the week accompanying Mark staying at Seb's and now they'd been abandoned back at Mark's place again. Seb thought they must be very confused by what was going on. In an ideal world he'd have them here as well as Mark, but that was hardly practical.

“They'll be alright mate, just give them a decent spot of tucker and they're happy enough.”

Seb nodded. Dogs were simple creatures with simple needs. Sebastian would prefer a simpler life right now.

 

“Feels strange, being here, don't you think?”

“Monaco's always a bit strange I reckon,” Mark mused, “it doesn't seem entirely real, if you know what I mean?”

Seb looked out across at the super-yachts and up at the palace, along the waterfront with all its ostentatious sports cars and exclusive apartments.

“Yeah, I do.”

He followed the line of sight down to the harbour promenade.

“I don't think they look very real for a start,” he half whispered to Mark, pointing out a group of girls tripping along; Hair bleached blonde, dresses short and heels perilously high, make-up visible from 100 yards away.

Seb grinned mischievously and Mark shook his head pretending to disapprove. He smiled though, this was more like the Seb of old; it seemed to have been a good thing for them to get away from it all.

 

“Plenty of strange things to see around here mate,” he grinned, “Just gotta keep your eyes open.”

“Always do,” stated Sebastian, “tends to help avoiding the barriers,” he joked.

“And other drivers,” countered Mark.

“Yeah.”

“I saw it played back on TV earlier. You know you nearly took out Kimi the other day?”

“Yeah,” Seb didn't sound quite so amused.

“Yeah, well, his own dozy fault,” Mark didn't want to make Sebastian feel bad about the near-miss in the pitlane. “Probably half-cut, knowing Kimi.”

“Yeah. Yeah, well. Anyway... Stupid place to stand. He's an idiot.” Seb still didn't sound quite as upbeat as he had before.

“Yeah.” Mark thought it was odd how Seb and Kimi didn't seem to be the friends he'd thought they were.

He changed the subject; “Feels later than it is, don't you think?”

 

Still not quite dark, it was a gorgeous evening in Monaco. The place was on top form, with the sunset casting a dappled light across the water and the lights just flickering on in the distance. It felt a million miles away from the English countryside they had left behind.

 

“Yeah, I think my body gets so confused with all the time-zones, I could sleep in the middle of the day if I got the chance.”

Mark wondered if Seb was tired. He finished up his beer.

“Speaking of which, why don't we call it a day. I reckon I could use an early night.”

“Yeah, okay,” agreed Sebastian, getting up.

 

As they walked back to the hotel, Sebastian thought he'd better check about tomorrow.

“You sure you don't want to watch from the garage?”

“Nah mate, don't want to get underfoot. I'll just hang out on the barge. I can watch on the TV in your room if you don't mind?”

“Sure.”

“Unless you want me there?” Mark checked, suddenly wondering if that was what Seb was getting at.

“No, no. The garage is so poky here, and god knows what hangers-on they'll have in there for the race. You're probably better off on the floaterhome.”

“ _Floaterhome?_ Really Seb?” Mark rolled his eyes at him. Seb's sense of humour sometimes... But he was making jokes; That was good. Sebastian was definitely in a far better place then Mark could have hoped for this weekend.

 

They made their way back and called it a night; Seb heading off to get as much sleep as possible to get himself in shape for the race. Mark sat up a while in his room flicking through random French TV channels trying to distract himself from worrying about whether the mechanics really would have fixed Seb's car properly. He felt relieved that Sebastian himself seemed to be alright. Maybe keeping busy and concentrating his mind on racing was the best thing for him?

Mark hoped against hope that Seb could just have decent day tomorrow.

 

 

 

Less than ten minutes into the race and Mark was sat in Seb's room on RedBull's floating base with his head in his hands.

He couldn't believe it; Seb had made such a good start; getting by Ricciardo at Ste Devote and staying out of trouble on the first lap before there was a crash down the pack. Going slowly along in train behind the safety car seemed to have done something dreadful to the running of the RedBull. Sebastian was slipping hopelessly down the field at the restart and Mark instantly knew what it meant.

“No, no, no, no,  _no!”_ he found himself chanting out loud. Please no. Please get it together. _Please?_

They were broadcasting the radio channel and it was only too obvious that things were rapidly falling apart; Rocky was giving out rapid instructions to try to remedy the situation, but nothing was working; First the power, then the gears, and then Seb's voice spilling over with exasperation at the team before trying to reign himself in knowing that they were doing everything they could. And then that was it. _Done._ Not even fifteen minutes of racing and Sebastian was having to retire the car.

Mark wanted to smash something.

 

He thought about going down to try to find Seb, but he knew that Sebastian would first have to go through the torture of facing the media to explain what had happened, trying not to sound too miserable for the sake of the team.

Mark hated thinking about Sebastian yet again having to force a smile and pretend to the world that he wasn't devastated by yet another failure he'd been powerless to prevent. Yet another race where he'd be compared to his team-mate and found wanting, as if there was anything he could have to done to help it. Yet another race where he'd worked his hardest and let himself get his hopes up only for them to be dashed. Mark hated it.

There was no point going looking for Sebastian now, Mark was better off waiting here. Seb would come to him as soon as he could. Until then Mark just had to wait and try to think what on earth he was supposed to say to pick Seb up when he got there.

 

 

Mark saw the door handle to the little room turn and he was immediately on his feet as Seb walked in. He was about to speak when Sebastian took one shattered look at Mark and crashed himself into him.

There was nothing to be said. Mark closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Sebastian and they just stood there for a while, Mark resting his chin on the top of his head.

Seb sagged against him, Mark partly taking his weight holding him in place. Seb was breathing heavily but he was holding it together. Eventually Mark gave him a squeeze and released him.

“Come on mate, have a sit down.”

Mark sat back down on the bed and Seb copied him. Mark was concerned that he wasn't making much eye-contact, that was never a good sign.

“Do you want anything?” asked Mark.

Sebastian shook his head. He shifted back to lean up against the wall and hung his head down.

“It's not fair,” sympathised Mark, “it's really not.”

He moved to join Sebastian leaning his back up against the wall.

 

Sebastian pushed out a long slow breath through his nose and then lifted his head to look at Mark.

“No one ever said racing was fair. Life's not fair, why should racing be fair?” he said in a bitter tone.

He slammed back his head, knocking it hard against the wall.

“Fuck, Seb don't do that!”

“Ow.” Seb looked over at Mark, “I didn't mean to do that quite so hard.”

He scrunched up his face and wondered whether he should laugh or cry.

“I can't do anything right,” he said heavily.

“Seb, come on mate, it wasn't your fault the car fell apart.”

“Stupid car.”

“Stupid car,” echoed Mark.

“Stupid sick Suzie,” continued Sebastian.

“Yeah, she doesn't seem very sturdy.”

“I'm starting to think the kindest thing might be to have her put down.” Seb turned his head to the left so he was facing Mark. He gave tiny half smile and a shrug.

“Yeah,” Mark reflected a commiserating smile, “think you might be right mate, sorry.”

 

Sebastian sighed, “One of the interviewers just reminded me this was my one hundredth race.”

“That was helpful of them,” commented Mark dryly.

“Hmm.”

“It's just a number. It doesn't mean anything Seb.”

“Yeah, I know. I know...”

  
Sebastian looked around.

“Got the remote control?”

“Huh?” asked Mark.

“For the TV.”

“You're putting the race back on?” asked Mark slightly amazed.

“Yeah, why not,” said Seb sounding resigned, “I want to see what happens.”

He granted Mark another small ironic smile, “I wonder if Nico and Lewis have run each other into the swimming pool yet?”

Mark smiled, “I hate to disappoint you, but they seemed to be behaving themselves.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, the commentators sounded very put out about it.”

Seb raised his eyebrows.

“I'm only half-kidding,” explained Mark. The media had been itching for a Mercedes bun-fight today.

“I'll bet,” agreed Seb. “I think Niki scared the shit out of the pair of them before the race.”

“Probably. Here you go.” Mark handed him the television remote and Seb switched it on.

 

 

The race finished with the top three holding position.

“I almost thought he had Lewis there,” commented Sebastian to Mark.

“Yeah, nearly. I reckon you would've.”

Seb shook his head, “Monaco. It's almost impossible. Ahhh, pfffff,” he huffed, “Daniel did well. He deserves it.”

Sebastian rubbed his face up and down. Mark looked at him sympathetically and shrugged.

“You deserved it too.”

Seb shrugged back, “Yeah, well...”

“Have you got to do any more today?” asked Mark.

“Debrief. I don't think mine will take long,” commented Seb in an ironic tone.

“Suppose not.”

  
Sebastian sighed again, “I just want to go home to be honest.”

“I'm not surprised,” Mark agreed.

Seb pushed his head back and stared at the ceiling.

“I don't think I even know where that is any more.” He sounded hollow.

Mark looked at him, “what do you mean?”

“Home.” Seb suddenly sounded as if his voice might break.

“Ah _Seb,"_   Mark shook his head and tipped it sideways looking towards him.

“I just,” Sebastian swallowed, “I don't think I want to go back there. It's like it's not my home any more. It's been ruined. I can't feel safe there any more.”

 

He looked back at Mark and his eyes were glazed. The idea of going back to the house and spending the whole time as he had done in the days before he came here; Listening for strange noises, worrying if the doors were locked properly, unable to relax or be on his own, was just too much.

 

“I thought it was my home; It was nice. I thought I was moving on and now it's all spoiled, and I'm just so _angry_ with him.”

Sebastian surprised himself with that last emotion. He _was_ angry with Heikki he realised; He taken his new home away from him along with his sense of security, along with so much else.

 

“Seb...”

“I know I should move on, but I can't. I can't stop thinking about him being there. I can't stop thinking about seeing him. I...” Sebastian hesitated before admitting, “I know I shouldn't let him get in my head, but I see his face, all the time. I keep seeing it; in crowds and all over the place.”

“What?” stopped Mark, alarmed. “You've seen him?”

“No, I mean I _think_ I see him. I'm just imagining it I know. It's like it's in the corner of my mind, sneaking in all the time.”

“Seb, you're _sure_ you're imagining it?”

“Yeah. I mean, yesterday I thought I saw him for a second, and then I looked properly and it wasn't even a man, it was a woman with short hair.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh, “ _See;_ I am going crazy, no wonder I'm seeing a psychologist.”

  
Mark still didn't like the sound of it, but he reassured. “You're not going crazy Seb. I think maybe it's just that he's at the back of your mind all the time, and I don't know, maybe because you're worrying, it's what your mind expects to see?”

Seb gave Mark a little half-smile, “You sound like Henry.”

“Do, I? Well, I'm sure he'd have a better explanation than me.”

“Do you think I'm being silly. About the house?”

“About it not feeling the same now?”

“Yeah.”

“You feel what you feel Seb, it's not silly.”

  
Mark was only too well aware how Sebastian hadn't felt safe enough to stay there on his own following Heikki's intrusion a week ago.

He leaned up against Seb.

“You've always got my place, you know. If you don't want to stay at yours?” _You've always got a home with me,_ Mark wanted to say, but he stopped himself.

Sebastian looked at him, brightening up. “Really?”

“Of course Seb. Look, why don't you come back and stay for a bit and just see how you feel going forwards? Then you don't need to worry about anything.”

“You're sure?”

“Of course I'm sure. You can stay as long as you want.” _You can stay forever if you want._

  
Sebastian really smiled now. It was the first proper smile Mark had seen from him all afternoon.

“I think, maybe that would be good. I mean, I don't like to think of him pushing me out of my house, I don't want to feel like he's won, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“But, if maybe, maybe just for a bit?”

“For a bit is fine.”

“Okay then. Good. Thank you Mark.”

  
Sebastian felt so much better knowing he didn't have to go back to the house where Heikki had been. He could forget about all those horrible images of what might have happened there.

Seb got up and told Mark he had to go to the debrief. He walked out of the room feeling a thousand times better than he had when he'd entered it; He was going to stay with Mark and it was all okay. A tiny part of him thought that maybe he was running away again, but he told himself that it was just until he got himself together again. It was just for a bit.

 

 

 

 

They stopped off at Seb's house to collect his things and headed back to Mark's, arriving back not all that long after dark on the Sunday night.

 

Seb set down his bag on the bed in his room and sat down for a moment. 'His' room. Back where he'd been for all those months. In a way it was great, but Seb couldn't help feeling that it was a little like accepting defeat. But he'd felt no desire whatsoever to stick around in his house when he'd been gathering up his belongings before, so what was the alternative?

He didn't want to seem ungrateful to Mark so he thought he'd better keep his concerns to himself. Maybe he could talk it over with Henry when he saw him later in the week?

 

 

They settled back into their old routine all too easily. Within days it was as if Seb had never been gone. Mark was glad to have him back after weeks of the place seeming empty, and with Sebastian right there he didn't have to worry about him.

He was still a little too quiet for Mark's liking, a little too up and down with his moods, but it could be worse. Thankfully there had been no sign of Heikki, so Mark supposed that the legal threats must have done the trick. Seb just needed a bit of time and normality and he'd be okay.

 

They carried on their runs to the coffee shop in the next village each morning. It wasn't the same as racing one another to meet there, but it was nice in it's own way; running together usually in companionable silence, using the stop for coffee as a focus for the activity and a little reward. Besides, both Seb and Mark liked their routine; it was comfortable, so why change it?

 

Mark returned from the bathroom to find Sebastian fuming over a newspaper.

“Look! Just look at this.” He waved the paper under Mark's nose as he sat back down.

“What?” Mark took the newspaper and flipped it around to read it.

“They're saying I threw a fit in Monaco after the race. It even says I kicked a helmet across the garage!”

Mark shook his head.

“It's just tabloid bollocks mate, forget it.”

“But people are going to think it's true! They're going to think I'm having some kind of meltdown.” Seb protested.

Mark put a hand on his arm across the table.

“No they're not Seb. Everyone knows this stuff is bullshit.”

Seb looked frustrated. He frowned. “They say I was kicking off at the team. I wasn't. It wasn't like that, I just...” He paused trying to think how to explain it, “I know I sounded whingy on the radio, I just couldn't help it.”

“Seb mate, we've all been there. The team understand, you're just pissed off in the moment. It's not personal.”

“I did apologise.”

“I'm sure.”

Sebastian hesitated, “do you think I should apologise again? I don't want them to think I don't appreciate everything they're doing? I know they hate it just as much when there's problems.”

Mark shook his head. “Seb you don't need to apologise to them again, it's part of the job dealing with all that. Everyone knows emotions run high in a race. It's not a big deal.”

“You think?”

 

Mark wanted to tell Seb that he worried too much about what other people thought of him, but that would probably just give Seb something new to worry about.

“Look, Seb if you're bothered, why don't you give Christian a ring and see if there's anything for you to do at the factory, and just, you know, spend a bit of time with the guys? I'm sure you'll see everything's fine.”

“Yeah. Yeah, good idea,” agreed Sebastian. Mark was always so sensible about things.

“Besides, Canada coming up; they're bound to have stuff to go over with you. Couldn't hurt to get some time in.”

 

 

  
Taking Mark's advice was always for the best. Sebastian returned from Milton Keynes later that afternoon having spent a few hours going over plans for the Canadian Grand Prix. Just as Mark had predicted, the team had been fine with him. When he'd cautiously mentioned the stories in the press they'd actually laughed at what rubbish it all was and Seb felt silly for worrying about it.

 

Back in the kitchen he admitted as much to Mark while they were eating dinner.

  
“You were right, of course, about the guys.”

“About that bollocks in the paper?”

“Yeah.”

“Told you, didn't I?”

“Yeah, you did. Well, anyway thanks. Guess I was just being stupid.”

“You're not stupid, Seb,” corrected Mark. “It's the press that's stupid. Some of them just don't give a shit what they write. They don't care about the effect it has.”

  
Mark frequently felt furious at the things he saw written about Sebastian this year. What did they know? Nothing. They had no idea what Seb was really like, what was really going on, and they didn't care.

“Anyway, forget it.” Mark changed subject, “How's things looking for Canada?”

Seb gave a huff and a dry little laugh. “God knows! To be honest I've sort of given up having expectations of how anything is going to go at races this year.”

Mark raised an eyebrow, “Not giving up are you Seb?”

“Not giving up racing, just having expectations of how it's going to go,” countered Sebastian. “I think if I go in without too many hopes, and just, you know, scrap for what I can get. Then maybe it wont seem quite so bad.”

“Yeah,” paused Mark. “Don't give up on me though, eh mate?”

 

He wanted to keep Sebastian fighting, even if there was almost no hope.

“I wont. I wont give up racing, okay Mark?”

Seb knew he had to keep on plugging away, he just couldn't afford to place too much on the result.

“Fair enough,” agreed Mark. “Are you looking forward to it? Canada I mean?”

They only had a couple of days until Sebastian had to fly out.

“I don't know really. Yeah, I guess. Another chance I suppose. That's good.”

“Yeah mate, just take those chances.”

Seb nodded.

 

“I wish I could come along you know?”

 

Mark had thought about trying to find a way to come along to the next race, but there was just no practical way it could happen.

“Mark, we're almost at Le Mans. You've been working for this all year, there's no way you're trekking all the way to the other side of the world right before the race.”

“No, well I guess not. But still, I wish I could.”

Mark hoped Seb knew what he meant.

“Thanks.” Seb smiled.

It was nice that Mark was so concerned about him, but he'd be fine. He'd just take the next weekend as it came. Mark gave so much to Seb, it was time he took something back for himself. Le Mans 24 Hour Race was the event his whole year was focussed on. He'd done well at Silverstone, Seb really hoped he could have similar success at Le Mans. He couldn't think of anyone who deserved it more.

 

 

 

 

Mark sat on the sofa with the dogs at his feet, watching the race on the Sunday evening. Canada was always worth watching and so far it hadn't disappointed.

Seb had sounded in good spirits when Mark had spoken to him after qualifying, and with good reason, he'd got p3; Best of the rest behind the Mercedes and crucially ahead of his team-mate for once. He had a great opportunity today.

 

The race had been action packed from the start and Mark found he was actually managing to enjoy it rather than just fretting about how Sebastian was doing the whole time.

Midway through, wonder of wonders, it was the peerless Mercedes that was in trouble. So much trouble that Lewis had retired and it wasn't at all certain that Nico could hang in there to the end either.

 

'Come on Seb, come on. All to play for,' thought Mark.

There were battles up and down the field; as if the entire grid had a sniff of an opportunity they couldn't miss now the leaders were struggling. Mark spent half the time willing Seb on and the other half genuinely thrilled by the race.

 

By the last ten laps Mark was sat on the edge of his seat, captivated by the scrap unfolding in front of him.

“Come on Seb, _come on._ Show them what you're made of.” Mark found himself saying out loud.

 

It was getting near the end. The RedBulls were looking bitey. Surely they could do more yet?

Daniel was ahead of Sebastian and all over the cars that lay in his path. He was ahead of Massa and then took Perez in what Mark had to praise as a brilliantly ballsy move.

God it was all so close; How the group didn't touch as they concertina'd up going into the corner Mark didn't know. It was such a different experience watching on television than being in the car; nerve racking stuff.

And then, _wow,_ Ricciardo had taken Rosberg and he was in the lead. Bloody hell! The Mercedes was struggling, but still, Mark was impressed, the kid really was showing his mettle this year.

 

But it still wasn't over. If Daniel could do it, Mark knew Seb would be sure he could too. He felt as if he was sat in the car alongside Sebastian.

Coming up the straight, Seb went for it; Up alongside Perez in a wheel-to-wheel battle, edging out onto the dangerous dirty side of the track where there was hardly any grip, kicking up a plume of debris as he got past and holding the line to keep the place into the chicane, staying _just_ ahead of Sergio's front wheel as he turned in.

Mark's heart was in his mouth. He'd got him, dear god, he'd done it; Up and into third. _Yes!_ Mark punched the air.

“Yes Seb, that was brilliant, go on!”

The dogs joined in barking and Mark grinned, ruffling their hair.

 

He'd looked away from the television screen for a moment and so he didn't see how it had started, but behind Sebastian, Perez and Massa were in a desperate battle and taking the corner too tightly they touched wheels and...

“Christ!”

The accident exploded in front of him as the two cars spun wildly and speared off towards the barriers at great speed.

“My GOD!”

Mark leapt up. Dear god, dear god! Massa's car had veered out of control across Sebastian's path and missed Seb's car by inches.

  
Mark stood there taking deep breaths as the dogs yelped at the screen.

The television was showing a replay of the crash and he watched helplessly as he saw how close it had been; Fractions of a second as Seb's lightning reactions allowed him to brake just enough to slow to avoid hitting the Williams car. It had been so close. Jesus. _So close._

Mark was still stood with his hand literally placed on his pounding heart.

“Bloody hell,” he exclaimed, moving his hand finally and rubbing it over his face before sitting down again.

  
The dogs came and nuzzled up against him.

“I'm alright boys, I'm alright. He's alright.”

 

Mark shook his head. How had his family ever watched him race? He'd never truly appreciated what they went through when he'd had accidents in races. And Seb hadn't even actually had an accident, it was just a near-miss. How on earth had his parents survived watching what had happened to him in Valencia? 

 

Mark's heart was still racing as he heard Daniel's overjoyed radio calls as he crossed the line to win his first ever Formula One race.

“Well done mate, well done.” Mark smiled. Bloody hell, what a race.

 

He watched as Sebastian got out of his car in Parc Ferme, seemingly totally unaffected by his near-miss. It really was so much easier actually being in the car than watching from home.

Seb seemed genuinely happy for Daniel as he grabbed him and lifted him up in celebration. He looked good; really genuinely happy in that moment.

 

Mark wished with all his heart that he was there right now.

 

 

 

Mark knew it would be hectic after such a good race for the team so he just sent a few texts of congratulations to Seb, not expecting to speak to him until later.

He'd had a brief reply from Sebastian, promising to call him when he got a moment, but it wasn't until Seb was back at his hotel that he finally rang Mark. It was nearly midnight in the UK, but Mark was still sat up.

 

“Hey Mark,” Seb sounded buoyant.

“Hey you.”

“Sorry it took a while to call. It's been a bit full-on since the end of the race.”

“I'll bet. The team's pretty stoked I imagine?”

“Yeah you could say that. I don't know where Christian got all that champagne from.”

“Had a touch of the bubbly then?”

Seb laughed, “Well you know, rude not to, in the circumstances.”

“Quite. You're not drunk are you Seb?”

“No no. Well, just a bit tipsy perhaps. I'd almost forgotten what champagne tasted like.”

Mark could hear him smiling on the other end. It was great. He only wished he was there.

“You did so good today mate. That was a terrific race.”

“Yeah, Daniel did fantastic. I can't believe he won. We didn't think we really stood any chance here.”

“Yeah mate he did great, but you did a brilliant job too.”

“Yeah?” Seb knew he was fishing, but he really wanted to hear Mark's praise.

“Yeah. Brilliant. That move on Perez, woohf, I held my breath!”

 

Seb grinned some more. He'd been thinking of Mark; In that very moment as he kept his foot on the throttle when any sane person would have backed down and not dared to edge it out, not dared to hold fast and tempt fate; Seb had thought of Mark and how he'd be watching. He'd never give in, he'd never stop fighting. Mark was watching and he was about to see just what Seb meant when he said he'd fight for every last place he could take.

“I told you I wouldn't give up didn't I?”

“Yes mate you did.”

“I know it was only third, but...”

“Not _only,_ Seb. That was a fantastic finish to get that podium place. It was crazy towards the end there. That crash with Sergio and Felipe, _my god._ I really thought he was going to take you out.”

“So did I for a moment,” laughed Seb.

 

God, how can he laugh about that, thought Mark.

“Bit too close for my liking. Think you scared the dogs to death there.”

“They were watching too then?”

“Glued to the screen mate,” grinned Mark.

“I'll have to give them a treat when I get back.”

“When's that gonna be then?” Mark wanted to see Seb as soon as possible to congratulate him in person.

“Not sure, I think the team are changing the flights. There's some kind of party happening tonight to celebrate.”

“Oh, is there?” Why did Mark suddenly feel so left out?

“Well, not a party really, just going out. I don't really know what the plan is but I think quite a lot of people are going. You know how popular Dan is.”

“Yeah. Well, can't begrudge him this one I guess.”

“No. He deserves it, he really does.”

 

People kept asking Sebastian if he was jealous of Daniel taking this win and they didn't seem to believe him when he said he wasn't. Maybe he should be, but right now he really wasn't. It was great to see Daniel take his first win, to see the team so happy, and with Seb's closing podium place he didn't feel excluded. He really felt that he'd run a good race and taken what he could. Seb could be proud of that without wishing ill on someone else.

 

“Anyway, I'd better go get ready,” ended Sebastian.

“Yeah, well. Have a good night, enjoy yourself.”

“Think I will do.”

“Not too much though, eh Seb, come back to me in one piece,” Mark didn't want to have to worry about Sebastian falling asleep in a skip in downtown Montreal.

“Not me you need to worry about Mark. I think Daniel's in trouble though.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I passed Jenson in the lobby and he said he'd going to get him destroyed tonight.”

“Oh blimey. You stay away from whatever poison JB is handing out, alright?”

“Okay. Anyway, gotta go.”

“Yep, take care Seb. Have fun. Oh and pass on my congratulations to Dan, wont you?”

“Will do, Mark. Will do. See you soon.”

“Yeah, see you soon.”

Mark hung up feeling an odd mix of happiness at hearing Sebastian in such a good mood and disappointment that he wasn't there to share it with him.

 

 

 

There was a was a noise. Mark couldn't place it in his sleepy state, but as he came to his senses he realised it was his phone ringing. He picked it up.

 

“Heyyyyy,”

“Hey Seb,” he answered sleepily.

Mark shook his head, Sebastian was obviously pissed. So much for his warning to stay away from Jenson's dodgy cocktails.

“You do realise what time it is here mate, do you?”

“Hmm?”

No. Obviously in his state Sebastian didn't.

“Mate, it's 4am.”

“Oh, god, Mark I'm sorry! Whoops!” He didn't particularly sound sorry though, Sebastian was laughing down the phone.

 

“Where are you?”

“Hmm, not sure actually. I'm stood outside a club. Yeah, don't know. We've been to a few places actually.”

“Right. Having a good time then?”

Mark knew he should tell Sebastian it was a ridiculous time to be having a conversation, but he wanted to talk to him and he wanted to make sure he was okay as well.

“Yeah, can't _remember_ having such a good time. Everyone's here.”

“Yeah? Not drunk at all then?” Mark smiled, he thought a drunk Seb would be fun.

“Mmmm, maybe a bit. Not as bad as Daniel though, he just stood on a table to say cheers to everyone and fell off into half the team.”

“Did he?”

“Yeah. It was impressive. He just picked himself up and carried on, he barely split a drop of his drink!”

“ _Aussie_ mate; Waste not want not,” laughed Mark.

“Apparently this place has karaoke. Can't be good...”

“I'll bet. Well don't forget to take some videos on your phone of people embarrassing themselves, eh Seb?”

“Will do. Yeah, well I guess I'd better go back in. People might be wondering where I am.”

“Yeah okay, well look after yourself Seb, don't drink yourself into an early grave, eh?”

“Don't worry Mark, I'm okay, I'm not that drunk.”

“Okay, well... night then."

“Yeah, night.” Seb was about to hang up, when he shot, “I'm sorry I woke you up.”

“It's okay mate, glad you're having a good time. I wish I was there.”

“Yeah, me too. I wish you were here Mark.”

 

He really did. Sebastian suddenly felt overwhelmed, wishing Mark was with him when he was so happy and free for once.

“Next time, mate. Alright?”

“Okay.” Sebastian didn't want to hang up. “I'd better go I guess. Jense said he was getting some more drinks in.”

"Did he? I wouldn't touch them Seb. Jenson has very questionable taste in alcohol, you wont know what you're getting there.”

“Maybe I'll give them a miss,” considered Sebastian.

“I would if I were you mate. If you fancy catching that flight back in one piece that is.”

“Right, well. Think I'll stick to the beer, then.”

“Very wise.”

“I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Today.”

“Hmm?”

“It's today here already.”

“Oh, okay, well see you later. I'd better go tell Jenson to count me out.”

“Good stuff. Take care Seb.”

“Night.”

 

Mark hung up. He stared at his phone for a minute. He really, really, wished he was there in Montreal with Sebastian. That it would be him stood at the bar with Seb instead of JB.

Jenson had better not be feeding Seb his filthy cocktails; he'd be on the floor. Mark was pretty sure Seb didn't have any tolerance for that kind of thing. He remembered when Sebastian had drunk that Jägermeister at ateam celebration following one of his title wins, he'd been in a heap after a few shots. Seb didn't stand a chance with Jenson's predilection for peculiar mixes of alcohol.

Mark should be there. It should be him instead of Jenson. He'd make sure Seb was okay, he couldn't really trust Jenson to do the same. He was just a bit worried about Seb getting home okay.

Mark didn't want to confront that fact that he was actually jealous of Jenson hanging out with Seb, that he was jealous of anyone he was spending tonight with when it ought to be him.

 

  
Sebastian went back into the club. He knew he probably shouldn't have called Mark in the middle of the night to talk to him for no reason, but he'd just wanted to hear his voice. He really wished Mark was there. He ought to be there to join in the celebrations with everyone.

They'd be pleased to see Mark. Everybody liked him. He knew the team missed Mark now he'd left and it would have been perfect for him to have been here tonight.

Seb felt so good to have had a great result finally that he'd knew he'd really had to fight for. He owed it to Mark really; keeping him going though such awful times, keeping him fighting. He owed this result to Mark. It might not be a win, but it almost felt like it. Mark should be here.

 

He fought his way through the crowd and found Jenson at the bar. The row of drinks were already lined up.

“Where'd you disappear off to?” question Jenson.

“Oh, nowhere. Jense, what the hell are these?” Seb looked at the peculiarly coloured drinks in front of him.

“Cocktails!” grinned Jenson.

“I don't know, I think maybe I'll just have a beer,” tried Seb.

“Nooooo, nope, no way. We've got them now. I was gonna get DC to have one, but he's gone off somewhere, so you'll have to drink up!”

Jenson was definitely already more than tipsy. There was no fighting him it seemed, so Sebastian picked up a glass, looking at it suspiciously before sipping it.

It tasted disgusting.

 

“Jenson, what is in this?”

“Hmm?” replied Jenson vaguely. “Oh I don't know. Lots of stuff.”

“Right.” wasn't that reassuring, thought Sebastian.

Jenson swept up his drink and downed it in one, then looked at Seb expectantly. Sebastian looked at his drink for a moment and then did the same. It was better than having to actually taste it.

Seb tried to walk away, but it seemed the other two drinks on the bar weren't for anyone else, but were refills for the pair of them.

Jenson grinned wickedly and doled out the drinks. Seb rolled his eyes wearily. This couldn't end well.

 

 

Two hours later Sebastian was sat slumped in one of the booths watching the carnage in front of him;

Jenson was looking distinctly green as he leant at the bar talking to some random local who clearly had no idea who he was.

There were some very iffy dance moves being displayed on the dancefloor. One of the mechanics has decided to prove that he still 'had it' by demonstrating a spot of breakdancing, (at least Seb thought it was meant to be breakdancing, it was possible the guy was having some kind of fit, but then the others probably wouldn't be pointing and laughing and gathering a crowd to watch; At least hopefully not, at any rate).

There was some frankly appalling singing ricocheting out from the karaoke corner. If questioned, Seb would deny to his dying day that he had joined in earlier. Even Christian had had the mic forced on him at one point. Seb had dutifully filmed it for Mark to enjoy laughing at when he got home.

Daniel was asleep in a corner leaning up against his engineer who didn't look too impressed. Dan was still bloody smiling even in his sleep, thought Seb.

 

He didn't know how late it was, but the place was still packed. Whatever time the logistics team had switched their flights to, Sebastian suspected they'd have to move them up again. This 'little' celebration had got wildly out of hand.

As Sebastian looked from one side of the room to the other it all got a bit much and everything started to swirl about. Seb closed his eyes and then carefully reopened them. He tried to focus on something on the far side of the room but it wasn't quite working. There were too many people in here and too much noise. He felt dizzy.

Seb blinked out at all the people crowded around: Plenty of team members and other race folk that he recognised, even if he couldn't name them all, but plenty of ordinary punters crammed in too.

He stilled and stared hard out at the far corner. For a horrible moment he thought he'd seen _his_ face, but it was just some ordinary blonde haired guy talking to his girlfriend. Sebastian was imagining things again. He'd thought the same thing at the track earlier in the day when he'd seen a familiar face in the crowd, but he'd looked again and nothing. He was seeing things.

Seb pushed away the remainder of another of Jenson's vile cocktails and vowed never to touch them again. Mark had been right, he shouldn't have gone anywhere near them; God only knew what was in it.

Sebastian decided was going to go in a minute and leave the others to their fate. He'd had enough. It had been a good night and more fun than he could remember having, but he wanted to get to bed and make sure he got to the airport okay tomorrow ( _today,_ he reminded himself). He wanted to get back to Mark. He wished he was here. This had been great, but it wasn't quite what it might have been if Mark was here.

 

Out of nowhere Christian appeared at Seb's side. Sebastian thought he'd left already.

“Hey Seb, how you doing?”

“Hmmm, okay. I think.”

Christian grinned, “Not sure?”

“Not entirely, no. Think I'm gonna head off.”

“Good idea. Think I might do the same. Walk back with you?”

“Sure.”

 

Christian smiled as he looked at the state of various members of the team around them. He was in no mood to pull rank and tell them to behave themselves; this was too hard a year and life was too short, they should enjoy this moment while they could, who knew when they'd next get chance?

“Righto then.”

 

Christian stood up and checked that Sebastian was steady enough on is feet as he followed him through the throng.

He put has hand in his pocket and checked his phone was still there. He was glad he'd left it switched on. He wasn't about to tell Seb about the text he'd just picked up from Mark asking him to make sure that Sebastian was alright and that he got back to his hotel safely: Mark was worried about Seb. Christian wasn't really surprised, but he thought it was sweet that 3000 miles away, Mark's first thought on waking up had been to check on Sebastian and make sure he was taken care of:

MARK: 'Look after him for me okay?'

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter that is as up and down as Seb is right now ;)


	16. Endurance

 

Sebastian was in Oxford, vaguely looking out over the skyline visible from his vantage point stood at the window.

Dr. Menton re-entered the room bearing two mugs of tea, handing one to Sebastian and indicating that he should take a seat.

 

“So then Seb, a pretty good race in Canada I take it?”

Seb's positive mood had been obvious as soon as he had arrived.

“Yeah, really good. It was great. To get to really battle, you know?”

Dr. Menton nodded. “I'm glad to hear it. I know how upset you were after the previous race.”

“Yeah well. I just want a chance to show what I can do. In Monaco I barely even got started and I was just frustrated with everything mostly.”

“It was very poor timing,” agreed Dr. Menton.

“Mmm,” confirmed Sebastian not really wanting to go there while he was in a positive mood.

“I'm afraid I didn't actually get chance to watch the race Seb, but I hear it was pretty exciting stuff.”

“You should watch it,” suggested Sebastian. “I don't mean for me. I mean it really was a good race – lots going on. Even if you're not a fan, I should think it would be pretty entertaining.”

“Maybe I'll try, if I get the chance.”

“Yeah, I'm sure you could download it or something, if you wanted to that is.” Seb tried to remember not everyone was as obsessed with racing as he was.

 

“And you were pleased with your result? Third wasn't it?”

“Yeah, I was. I know that doesn't sound all that great. But it meant a lot to me.”

“I'm sure it did Seb. And for the record, third is excellent.”

“Yeah, thanks. I know some people wont see it that way.”

“It doesn't matter how other people see it Sebastian.”

 

Dr. Menton had spent a lot of time trying to persuade Sebastian to try to concentrate on himself and less on how others judged him, but it was an uphill task.

“What matters is how you see it.”

“It felt like a little victory,” admitted Seb.

He knew anyone other than Mark might laugh at such a notion comparing this years' results with his previous ones, but the game had changed this year. He had changed.

“Well then that's what is important.”

  
“I don't even care that Daniel won, you know?”

“That's your team-mate?” queried Henry.

“Yeah. Yeah it was his very first win and, he really earned it. So I was pleased for him.”

Seb paused, “some people seem to think that it's strange that I'd feel that way. Do you think it's strange?”

“Not at all. To be perfectly honest Sebastian, I think it's strange that people would question why somebody might be capable of being happy for another person. Even if they are a competitor.”

“It's a funny world I live in, I guess,” admitted Seb. “I think maybe they see it as admitting defeat, but I don't see it that way.”

“Good, that's a much more healthy approach.”

“They all seem to think that Daniel and I should be at each other's throats because we're team-mates. Your team-mate is your first competition, you see,” explained Sebastian.

“Yes. I appreciate that. But you get on with him?”

“Yeah. I do. Daniel's a good guy. He's such a happy person, it's kind of impossible not to like him. I'm not going to pretend otherwise, just because it's what the media want.”

“You know Seb, I think that it's good for you that it is a positive environment in the team, even if things aren't so easy in terms of results.”

 

Seb nodded. At least it was one thing he didn't have to worry about.

“I'd be interested to meet this Daniel,” confessed Dr. Menton.

“Well if you see a lanky dark-haired guy, permanently grinning, that's him.”

Dr. Menton smiled, “I believe I've seen him on the coverage. He certainly seems a very cheery chap.”

Seb gave a little laugh. “You could say that.”

 

“Mark used to be your team-mate didn't he?” veered Dr. Menton.

“Yes.” Sebastian was a little suspicious of where this was going.

“And you said your relationship wasn't the same back then?”

Henry still wasn't entirely sure what their relationship was now, every time he broached the subject, Sebastian dodged him.

 

“No. We started out okay, but it sort of fell apart. It just got too intense, the competition between us and hmm...” Seb looked regretful. “I probably didn't handle things right. I didn't treat Mark very well you know. I was very selfish.”

“You were in a bad situation personally at that time Seb. It's not surprising that it should spill over into your professional life.”

“I didn't think it was at the time you know? I thought I was keeping everything separate, but looking back I think I over-compensated by taking everything I could for myself on the track and in the team.”

 

Dr. Menton nodded. They'd been over this before.

“Understandable in the circumstances,” he allowed. “But you've talked about it, the two of you, since then?”

“Yeah. I think Mark understands. He always understands. He's incredible really. I'm so glad we're friends now. It makes me sad how I missed out on all that for years.”

 

Friends. That was how Sebastian always referred to himself and Mark, but Henry was fairly certain it was more than that, even if Sebastian wasn't ready to see it just yet.

“Perhaps best to focus on being happy that you are friends now, Seb. You can't change the past.”

“Yeah.” Seb knew that only too well. “I'm very lucky. I know that.”

Dr. Menton frowned at him. “It's not a matter of luck Seb. Don't you think you deserve to have Mark as your friend?”

 

Sebastian shrugged. He hated when Henry did this. He was feeling happy. Why did he have to bring things down?

“Don't you deserve friends Sebastian?”

Seb felt as if something clutched at him inside. He'd never really had that many friends.

“It's not easy when you're competing.”

“No, I suppose that's an issue. Your contemporaries are your rivals. It must make friendships difficult.”

“I'm friendly with some of the others, but I don't know if you'd really count us as friends.”

“Do you see any of them outside of work?”

 

He used to see Kimi sometimes, but that had ended. Seb wasn't about to raise the topic with Henry, so he didn't mention it.

“Outside of a race weekend, no. I mean we went out last weekend to celebrate Dan's win and that was great, but it's pretty rare.”

“And outside of work. Do you have friends who aren't a part of racing?”

“No,” admitted Sebastian. “I just sort of live in this weird little Formula One bubble. You don't mix with outsiders all that much. I guess it's not normal. We're always travelling all around the world. It doesn't leave an awful lot of time for anything else.”

“And you've always been very focussed on your career.”

“You have to be. You'd never get anywhere otherwise. Away from race weekends, its just training and work at the factory and it sort of takes over your whole life.”

“Mmm,” agreed Henry. It wasn't hard to see how Sebastian had become so isolated.

 

“What about other people within the team? Other than drivers I mean.”

Seb shrugged, “it's a bit of a weird thing. As a driver, you're the focus of the whole team. You're separate. They don't look at you in the same way as normal people. It's almost like you're their boss, even though you're not. There's a lot of pressure and you have to be really professional all the time. I guess it gets in the way.”

“I see. Yes that makes sense.”

“So I really am very lucky to have Mark.”

Sebastian thought this every day.

Henry nodded.

 

“You're still staying at his house?”

“Yeah.”

 

Henry had reassured Sebastian when he'd told him that he was staying back at Mark's since Monaco. He told him that the most important thing was to be comfortable, and if he felt so disturbed by Heikki's appearance at his house, then there was nothing wrong with doing whatever it took to feel happier and more secure. If that meant staying elsewhere for a while, then Henry had told Seb that there was no reason to feel guilty about it or over-analyse the situation.

 

“And it's still going well?”

“Yeah. It's fine. It's just like it was before.”

“You're still getting on well in each other's company I take it?”

“Actually we haven't been in each other's company all that much lately,” admitted Sebastian.

“Really?” asked Dr. Menton.

“Well with me being in Canada and now Mark's at Le Mans, we've only had a couple of days together.”

“Oh I see, of course. Like ships passing in the night,” commentated Henry.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“And Le Mans. That's this weekend is it?”

“Yeah.”

“You didn't want to go along? I mean it's not all that far away.”

 

Sebastian shrugged. He had wanted to go really. It would have been nice to be able to support Mark in return for once.

“Fernando's going.”

“Sorry?” Henry didn't quite understand the significance of what Sebastian had said.

“Fernando Alonso, he's another driver. He's going to be at Le Mans this weekend. So I, I don't know, I felt weird about it.”

“He's going to be there with Mark?”

“Well, not exactly. He's starting the race. Officially I mean. It wasn't like Mark invited him instead of me. He did ask me to go, but I don't know, I felt uncomfortable about it.”

“Why?”

“Because Fernando and I have been big rivals, and it's kind of a strange vibe between us, and he and Mark have been friends for years, so...”

“You didn't want to feel left out?” intuited Dr. Menton.

“I suppose that's it. Do you think that's childish?”

“No Seb. You should do what you want. I'm sure Mark will be very busy all weekend anyway.”

“Yeah. He will. It's a very hard schedule.”

“A twenty-four hour race sounds gruelling.” 

“Hence the word 'endurance',” noted Sebastian.

“Hmm?” Dr. Menton clearly didn't see his point.

“It's called endurance racing. It's the World Endurance Championship. That's what Mark is competing in now. It's not just Le Mans, there's a series of races.”

“Ah. I didn't know that. It sounds tough.”

“It is. Mark's really good at it though, he's adapted fast. I'm not sure I'd be any good at it. It's really a very different way of racing to Formula One.”

“I'm sure he's hoping for a good result this weekend.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Will you be able to watch from home?”

“Yeah, I'm gonna get a load of coffee and just sit up all night and watch it.”

 

Seb smiled. He'd made a plan; If he couldn't actually go along and be there, he was going to do the next best thing and see if he couldn't watch as much as possible on television, and he could support Mark that way.

 

 

 

 

The next day Seb made a start on his little scheme, calling at the supermarket to stock up on coffee and healthy snacks to get him through the weekend.

 

Back at the house he turned on the computer to see if there was any news from Le Mans. Friday was a strange lull day after the late qualifying, so there wasn't much. He wanted to ring Mark, but he was on a funny sleep schedule in preparation for the race and Seb wasn't quite sure when he'd be awake. So he just texted Mark and hinted that if he had chance he could ring Sebastian at an appropriate time if he felt like it.

Finding nothing much in terms of news from Le Mans, Seb made the mistake of looking at the general motorsport news and was immediately confronted by something that made his blood boil.

 

**“ _Vettel told to 'raise his game'”_**

 

What the hell?

He read the article.

 

Bloody. _Bloody_ , Helmut Marko. Sniping from the sidelines as usual; He'd taken a pot-shot at Sebastian's form this year, criticising him and saying he needed to improve. Talking about Seb complaining about the car, saying he hadn't been committed enough.

 

Unbelievable. _Un-be-fucking-lievable!_   Sebastian raged internally. The nerve of the man. Going to the media to abuse his own driver. Criticising him in public and giving the press a stick to beat him with, as if they didn't do that enough on their own.

 

Not committed? _Not committed?_ Hadn't Seb been at the factory whenever there was the slightest thing he could do to help? Hadn't he done everything he could think of to try to get the team out of the mire they'd been in all year?

He'd tried his hardest to pull impossible results from a pig of a car. What the hell was Sebastian supposed to do when the damn thing stopped working? Get out and push it? Actually he had bloody well done that at least once in testing when the useless thing had died on him for the umpteenth time in a row.

How dare Helmut question his level of commitment. How dare he tell him to try harder when he'd been given a car that fell apart every five minutes. What the hell was he playing at?

Sebastian was so angry and upset at the unfairness of the criticism and the way it had been done so publicly and without warning, that he found himself sat on the sofa crying and feeling as though he wanted to break things.

 

He pulled out his phone and wondered if it would be career suicide to call Christian to complain about it.

Helmut Marko was his boss. Was there anything Seb could say?

He didn't suppose there was. Surely it wasn't right that his own team could badmouth him like this and Sebastian could do nothing about it?

 

Seb went to the bathroom to calm down and wash his face. He felt pathetic for crying over it.

If he could actually think of anything to say to Christian about it he needed to be calm to have that conversation.

 

Seb went downstairs and sat on the kitchen floor for a while, playing with the dogs. They always made him feel better. The dogs were so affectionate. They always seemed to love him. They didn't judge him or criticise him. They seemed thrilled to see him every time he walked into the room. You couldn't want for a better ego boost than the two of them leaping up with excitement the moment they caught sight of Sebastian.

Seb decided the best thing to do was to take them out for a nice long walk and clear his head. Mark always said it helped and he was right. A bit of fresh air and exercise didn't hurt either and by the time Sebastian returned to the house, he felt far more settled.

 

 

It wasn't until he walked back into the lounge that Seb realised he'd left his phone behind.

Damnit, there were two missed calls from Mark.

Seb rang him back immediately.

 

“Hi Mark. Sorry I missed you. Is everything alright?” started Seb anxiously.

“With me?” answered Mark in surprise. “No, I'm fine. I was ringing about you. I heard what Marko's gone and done.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Sebastian had almost managed to forget about it whilst he'd been out.

“He's really outdone himself this time,” commented Mark in an annoyed tone.

Someone had mentioned they'd seen something about his old team-mate and Mark had immediately gone online to see exactly what had been said.

 

“Yeah, well, Helmut can go fuck himself,” said Sebastian with surprising fervour.

Mark choked with laughter.

“Bloody hell, Seb. That's the spirit mate!”

 

He'd been so worried that Sebastian would be hurt and upset about Dr. Marko attacking him in the media.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. It would be better if Mark was right here, but it was so good to hear his voice.

“Of course, you may wish to rephrase that in your press-release, you know, if you fancy driving again,” quipped Mark.

“Yeah.” Sebastian couldn't help feeling down at the reminder that he had so little right of reply.

 

Mark read his tone immediately. “Don't let him get to you Seb. It's just his bizarre way of trying to motivate you.”

“Really? Funny way to go about it; slagging off your own driver in public,” remarked Sebastian.

“Yeah quite. You know he used to do the same to me all the time?”

“I know. I'm sorry Mark. He was always such an arse to you and I never stuck up for you.”

 

Seb felt guilty about that; he'd always been so self-absorbed he hadn't paid attention to what was being said about his team-mate.

“Don't worry about it Seb. It wouldn't have done any good. He really has no awareness of how other people perceive what he does. I fancied telling him where to get off quite a few times, but it'd be a waste of time.”

“I just don't get it.”

“No mate, neither do I,” sighed Mark.

Neither one of them could understand the seemingly bizarre attitude and behaviour of the RedBull advisor who held such sway within the team.

 

“Are you alright. I mean really?” Mark pressed.

Seb puffed out some air. “I wasn't, before. When I first read it,” he admitted, “I was pretty shocked he'd do that to be honest. I was a bit upset I guess.”

“I'm not surprised. I mean really, with everything you've been battling, just with the crappy car, never mind everything else, it's the last thing you need.”

“Yeah, well...”

Seb would have given everything he owned for a hug from Mark at that moment.

 

“Urgh, you know the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. He's a bully Seb. He knows you can't defend yourself. It's a shitty way to behave. Especially when he's supposed to bloody well be on your side. One minute you're his golden boy and then as soon as you have problems he drops on you like a stone. He's got no loyalty. I swear to god he has no idea what the word 'team' really means.”

Seb huffed again. Mark was somehow managing to make him feel both better and worse at the same time.

“I did think of saying something to Christian, but I don't know,” wondered Sebastian.

“Yeah, maybe. I guess you've got to tread carefully Seb. I know that it's not fair, but you know Marko's pretty much untouchable,” warned Mark.

 

He'd learned that to his cost during his time on the team.

“Mmm,” agreed Seb. “Maybe I'll just say something to him. Just so I feel like I've not done nothing about it.”

“Fair enough mate. Christian's bound to be pissed off about it himself I reckon.”

“Yeah. Yeah I'll have a think about it. Thanks Mark.”

“No problem. Let me know how it goes?”

“Yeah, will do. Anyway I was meant to be calling you to see how you're doing. This is your weekend Mark. How's it all going?”

 

Seb felt guilty that as usual Mark was paying attention to him rather than worrying about himself.

“Oh, fine. It's okay. Looking like we should be able to do plenty from fourth. It's a long old race mate, plenty of time for the pack to shuffle about.”

“Good. I was watching you know?” Seb wanted Mark to know he was making the effort.

“Were you? Bit of a late one.”

“Not as late as it's going to be tomorrow night,” remarked Seb.

“You're not really going to stay up to watch it all are you?”

Sebastian had vowed that he would before Mark had left for France, but Mark couldn't think he was really going to stick it out for the full twenty-four hours plus.

 

“Yeah, course I am Mark.”

Of course he was.

 

 

 

 

On Saturday afternoon Seb was setting up camp on the sofa, ready to watch the start of the race.

He'd only had a brief conversation with Mark that morning as he had so little free time as they prepared for the race. Seb understood, he knew what race days were like and Le Mans was something else compared to an F1 race.

Sebastian had really only had chance to wish Mark luck and remind him that he'd be watching on the whole time. He hadn't mentioned that he had called Christian yesterday and awkwardly found a way to express his unhappiness at how Dr. Marko had undermined him. It wasn't the time to bring up his little problems when Mark was about to take part in the biggest race of his year.

 

Seb sipped his coffee watching the pre-race activity. He tried not to feel too jealous as he saw Mark talking familiarly with Fernando. He reminded himself that it was the race organisers that had invited Alonso, it wasn't Mark choosing him over Seb.

 

He settled into the race with his laptop set up on a live-timing screen to help him keep up with the sometimes confusing different categories sharing the track. There were a lot of familiar names listed that he recognised from the world of Formula One who had moved on, or never quite made it, or chosen a different path. Plenty to keep his interest in the different types of cars racing.

 

Seb didn't know how Mark did it. There was so much going on at once; cars of different types and speeds, professional and amateur drivers, all fighting over the same bit of road and keeping going for hour after hour through changing weather and light conditions, right through the night, fighting fatigue and trying to stay alert, swapping drivers and having to jump into the same car with a set-up shared between all the team drivers.

Formula One seemed simple by comparison.

 

The dangers involved became only too apparent as the weather turned wet and Sebastian watched transfixed as crashes occurred up and down the track. Some were truly terrifying and Seb found himself praying that Mark just made it through the race safely, never mind get a good position.

 

Sebastian was glad he'd stocked up for the race; he felt he could barely tear his eyes away from the screen in case he missed something. Even when nothing very much was going on except the cars making lap after lap, there was always the potential that something dramatic could happen at any moment.

 

Mark wasn't even in the car until his stint in the early evening. Sebastian found it odd to imagine the trust involved in a team of drivers sharing a car. One of Mark's team-mates could crash the car before he even got a go in it.

It was hard to keep up with what was happening even with the commentary and tracking. Lap-times might not mean what they appeared to as teams played the long game, and pit-stops were nothing like those Sebastian was used to. It was all so strange. He'd never really paid much attention to the race in the past.

He found it fascinating and was enjoying it, for all that he was anxious about how Mark was doing.

 

There was a real sense of occasion to the race and Seb started to understand why it was regarded as true classic of the motorsport world.

As the sun started to set the whole race was bathed in a gorgeous golden glow. It truly was spectacular with the futuristic LMP1 and LMP2 cars streaming by, headlights sparkling as the light died. It was wonderful to watch.

Seb resolved that next year he would be there to watch and experience the race for himself. He wondered if he shouldn't have accepted Mark's offer for him to go along. Maybe he'd been petty not to want to go because Fernando was there?

 

Seb stuck it out as it got later and later, replenishing his coffee occasionally to keep himself awake and trying to keep on top of what was happening as the hours passed and the attrition rate of competitors rose.

It was so strange to see cars being pulled into the garages to be worked on for lengths of time that would never have been attempted in Formula One. More than a couple of seconds in the pits there would be a disaster and spell the end of someone's race. Here a car might be out for several minutes, maybe even an hour and still go back out and carry on racing.

 

He sent Mark the odd encouraging text, not knowing if he'd pick them up in his rest periods, and wasn't offended when he didn't get many replies and when he did they were all but one word answers. Mark would be sleeping when he could hopefully and if he wasn't he would be focussing on the race.

 

There was so much to keep track of and Seb found himself getting involved with the different battles playing out; Wishing well on drivers he slightly knew and being disappointed when disaster struck and knocked them out of the race allowing another team to rise to the fore.

 

Seb was struggling by the early hours. He was so used to trying to make sure he got a good amount of sleep as part of his training and preparation programme, this was a shock to the system, but he was determined to stay up. He'd promised Mark.

Every time he slipped a bit and allowed his eyes to slide closed as he lay on the sofa, something happened to jolt him awake. Each car that suddenly had mechanical issues, or went off track or god forbid, crashed, caused him to jump up, frantically checking to see if it was the #20 Porsche.

 

 

As dawn approached Sebastian was practically propping his eyes open, but the action on track was spicing up as leading cars hit trouble and the Porsche was gaining positions. Seb sat up at the sight of Mark looking happy in the garage seeing the turn in their fortunes.

Soon Mark was back in the car and despite his lack of sleep, Sebastian was wide awake watching how he was doing.

Yet another car in difficulty and Mark was doing well, while things changed again at the front as the Audi was wheeled into the garage. Seb was starting to think that maybe things were looking solid for Porsche, maybe Mark could just hold fast now and the team would get an incredible result in their return to racing at Le Mans.

But it seemed the mechanics could work miracles in the garages and cars that had been written off earlier fought back as others fell by the wayside. Seb couldn't afford to drop off and assume the situation would remain the same.

 

By the morning Seb was definitely flagging, but the #20 Porsche was hanging in there. The #1 Audi headed into the pits and Seb was thrilled to see Mark's car take the lead. But he should have known he couldn't relax as the #2 Audi who he'd thought had been out were incredibly back in contention. He watched anxiously as he saw it stealing into the lead-time of the Porsche. The gap was steadily shrinking and Sebastian wondered if there mustn't be a problem with the car.

The feed cut to a shot of Mark in the garage. He looked fairly relaxed, but then something must have come through on his headphones because he suddenly sprinted from his seat and the car was coming back in. He'd clearly had the call to take over and Seb was sat forward wishing he knew what was really happening.

 

Mark was going okay, but it wasn't fast enough. Seb was certain there must be an issue with the car. There was no way Mark wouldn't be pushing as hard as he could.

Seb was crossing his fingers that whatever the fault was it would pass as it had for some other cars. But no. Seb though he should have known. The car was slowing.

Ah damnit, the car was crawling along the Mulsanne Straight. Mark somehow got the car to limp back to the garage, but Seb heard the tone in his voice on the radio and he knew what Mark was feeling only too well.

 

Mark was in the garage, still sat in the car for several minutes as the mechanics frantically worked away trying to fix the problem, but it was increasingly hopeless and Seb felt horribly powerless as he watched Mark climb dejectedly out as the team called it quits.

They'd been doing so well. Seb couldn't believe it; twenty-two hours of racing with only two left to go and they were out. They'd been in the lead when trouble had hit as well. It was terribly cruel bad luck.

 

Seb sat back and shook his head in despair. He knew exactly how that felt. Poor Mark though, at least Sebastian got another chance every other week. Mark had been planning and working towards this race for months and although there were other races this year, there was only one Le Mans and now it had ended in such disappointment.

 

Seb sat there for a while, then sighed and rubbed his face to try to wake himself up a bit. He probably wouldn't answer, but he would ring Mark anyway. At least then he'd know Seb was thinking of him. He could call back later if he wanted to talk.

 

The number dialled through and Seb was surprised when Mark answered.

“Mark?”

“Hey.” Mark sounded so crestfallen, Seb hated to hear it.

“Oh Mark, I can't believe it.”

“Me either mate,” Mark huffed a mirthless laugh.

“I'm sorry. You were doing so well.”

“Thanks. Yeah, well... Hmmmph, what can you do?”

“Not a lot I guess. What was it in the end?”

“Brakes,” answered Mark sounding very tired.

“Can't exactly do without them,” commented Seb, hoping he didn't sound too flippant.

“Nope, guess not. Urgh, just so, _so_ frustrating. We were in sight of finish and all those hours slogging away...”

“Ah Mark, I don't know what to say.”

“It's okay.” He puffed out another long breath. “Thanks for calling. You were watching then?”

“Of course. I've been watching the whole thing,” asserted Sebastian.

“You really stayed up all night?”

“Yes of course. I said would.”

 

Mark shook his head and cracked a smile.

“Daft sod, you must be knackered. Don't go telling Christian, he'll have me strung up for interrupting your sleep patterns.”

“I had to know you were okay.”

Sebastian wasn't sure he would have admitted that out loud if his brain wasn't so tired.

 

Mark closed his eyes. That was nice. Seb was bothered about him. He'd sat up all through the night just to see he was doing alright.

“Thanks.”

Mark suddenly felt exhausted as all the lack of sleep and the stress of hour upon hour of racing started to catch up on him as the adrenaline ebbed out of his system.

He wished Sebastian had agreed to come along to the race so he was there. He'd give his right arm for a hug and a bit of contact from Seb to cheer him up just now.

“You sure you're okay?” checked Sebastian.

“Not great, if I'm honest mate, but I'll survive.” He sighed heavily. “I'd better go back in.”

 

Mark was stood out of the back of the garage where he'd been heading to gather himself when he'd heard his phone ringing from his pile of belongings dumped on a shelf.

 

“Okay, well. I guess I'll see you later?”

“Yeah. I'll be back tonight.”

Mark sounded down. Sebastian wished he could think of something to say to cheer him up.

“You did so well Mark. I'm really sorry.”

“It's okay Seb. Don't worry, I'll be right in a bit. It's just a blow, you know?”

“Yeah I do.”

Mark gave an ironic smile, “guess you do mate, guess you do. Ah well. What can you do? Cars eh?”

“Yeah,”

“I've really got to go. I'll see you later. Thanks for calling. I appreciate it.”

“Course. I'll see you later Mark.”

 

They hung up.

Mark took a couple more deep breaths to try to push away the frustration and disappointment he was feeling. He was glad Seb had called and given him the chance to express what he was really feeling before he had to go out and share platitudes with the media about how they'd given it a good go and pretend not to be gutted at the outcome.

At least Seb had stuck with him. Fernando had left a few hours into the race. If Sebastian had been here he wouldn't have left, Mark was sure of that.

Okay, he could go back in to finish up and then he'd be home in a few hours.

He shook his head. Seb had really sat up all night watching him. He'd probably be crashed out on the sofa by the time he got back, the daft sod.

Mark smiled.

 

 

Seb stretched back out on the sofa. He probably should go up to bed now. There wasn't really any point in watching any more, but he was too tired to move.

 

The shot cut from the lapping cars on track to the Porsche garage. It homed in on the team gathered around the retired car and then focussed on Mark. He gave a wry smile and a shrug and then a little wave at the camera.

Sebastian sleepily waved back, before shifting further down on the cushions wondering how he could cheer Mark up later. Mark always managed it for Seb, now it was his turn. He'd think of something. Seb closed his eyes for a moment to think about it and promptly fell fast asleep.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as an aside, I thought I'd share this:
> 
> I thought I'd come up with the name Dr. Menton out of pure imagination, but as I was watching SkyF1 the other day I noticed that in the titles there's a shot of Monaco with a sign post in it: Then I remembered - Menton is a small town along the coast to the east of Monte Carlo.
> 
> It just amused me; my subconscious picked out a name that was linked to F1 (in a sideways kinda way), for the psychologist. *Irony alert* ;)


	17. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delayed update - birthday weekend & then I broke my laptop cable, eek! I was very nearly just going to have to write this out by hand and post it to you all  
> ;)

 

 

When Mark got back he really expected to find Seb fast asleep, but he wasn't, he was busy in the kitchen.

The dogs bounded about excitedly at the sight of him walking in. Mark dipped down and let them make a fuss of him. It was good to be home.

 

Sebastian had moved over from the cooker to stand by them, waiting his turn. As Mark stood up again, Seb stepped in and put his arms around his neck, standing on tiptoe to raise himself up to give Mark a proper hug.

Mark closed his eyes and let himself relax. He just stood there, arms limply hanging by his side, too tired to do anything more. He was home now. That was all that mattered. He wanted to forget all about the disappointment of the race, just shut it all out and let himself feel good for a moment as Seb hung on to him.

He didn't know how long they stood there like that. Mark didn't care. If he had his way they could just stay like that all evening until he couldn't stand up anymore, but eventually Seb released him.

 

Seb gave him a sympathetic smile.

“I'm just so sorry Mark. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm alright. It's just a race, in the end.”

Mark didn't sound as though he really believed that too much.

“Mark, you don't have to pretend with me you know? I know what it's like.”

“I know, I know mate. I just want to forget about it right now.” Mark sounded exhausted.

“Okay,” Seb agreed.

If Mark didn't want to talk about it, he understood.

 

“Do you want a drink? Why don't you sit down?”

Sebastian was determined to be the one taking care of Mark tonight.

Mark pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and slid into place at the table.

“Chuck us a water, will you then?” he requested.

Sebastian opened the fridge and passed Mark a bottle of water.

“You look tired,” observed Sebastian.

Mark nearly made a sarcastic remark about the likelihood of that after a twenty-four hour race, but he bit the comment back.

“So do you.” He shook his head disbelievingly, “I can't believe you sat up for it all.”

 

Seb joined him sitting at the table. He shrugged.

“I had to watch you race.” Seb made it sound incontestable. Of course he would have watched Mark racing. Why wouldn't he?

“Well, thanks for sticking it out. I'm amazed you didn't drop off.”

“Ah, well I think I did at the end there. After I spoke to you the next thing I knew they were giving out the trophies, so I suppose I had a little nap.”

“Guess you failed to make the full twenty-four hours too then,” Mark noted.

He'd have smiled, he meant it as a little joke, but he was too tired.

 

Seb nodded. He wasn't sure if Mark really wanted to talk about the race or not.

“Mark, you know you did really well, right? All the stuff online is talking about how Porsche really made a strong comeback. You were in the lead at the end there.”

“Hmm,” agreed Mark non-committally. “I'm not sure we'd have held it, but I know we could've had second.”

“Which is fantastic, for your first go back at Le Mans, I mean both you and the team,” enthused Seb.

“Mmm, yeah, I guess it would be, if we'd actually finished the race,” noted Mark still sounding despondent.

 

Sebastian really didn't know what to say.

 

Mark huffed. Seb was trying his best, he looked knackered. What was the point in moaning about things to him? It wouldn't change the result.

“I don't know. I guess I should be grateful for small mercies. At least this time I finished the race the right way up.”

He gave Seb a little half smile.

“Don't even joke about it Mark. Honestly, I was so worried when people came off. Especially when it rained. It's so dangerous!”

Seb sounded outraged that Mark could make such a light-hearted comment.

 

Mark thought how sensitive Sebastian was, but then he remembered how he'd suffered through watching Seb narrowly avoid crashing in Canada and realised he was just as bad.

“That's motorsport, I guess. I think it might be harder to watch than to actually take part,” Mark offered.

“Yeah, maybe,” agreed Seb, “that might be why I'm so tired now.”

“That and sitting awake all through the night,” Mark interposed.

“Well there is that,” Seb granted.

 

“Did you at least get some more sleep this afternoon?”

“A bit. I didn't really get any further than the sofa though. Poor dogs haven't had their walk. I just let them out to run around the garden,” admitted Seb.

“Oh, they'll be alright, they can have an extra long one tomorrow.”

“I've not really done anything today other than make dinner.”

“Is that what I can smell then?” wondered Mark.

 

Seb shot up out of his chair.

“Oh shit! _Dinner._ ”

He whirled around and yanked open the oven door, letting out a plume of smoke. Sebastian tried grabbing at the oven-tray with his hand and instantly regretted as he almost burnt his fingers.

“Ow! _Scheiße._ ”

Mark stood up and shoved a tea-towel at him.

“Seb you idiot, watch yourself.”

Sebastian used the cloth to retrieve the tray of singed food and dumped it down on top of the oven.

“Urgh. Damnit. I was meant to be making you dinner.”

 

Seb slumped back against the kitchen counter, annoyed at himself forgetting all about his cooking whilst he was talking to Mark.

Mark peered over at the food.

“It's not so bad. I reckon we can just cut the burnt bits off.”

He smiled at Seb; bless him making an effort, Mark thought he should stop being so grumpy and be grateful.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark woke up the next morning still feeling tired and out of sorts. He could hear Sebastian moving around downstairs and wondered whether he ought to get up.

He looked at the time; Seb was probably getting ready to go out for a run. Mark knew that getting outdoors and letting out some endorphins would probably be good for him, but he just didn't want to move.

He heard the door shutting and turned over, pressing his face into the pillow.

Urgh, everything was coming back to him about the race. He really wanted to forget about it but he just couldn't.

He lay there letting the frustration and disappointment wash over him; So close. They'd been _so_ close! He hadn't even dreamt they'd get that near to winning. Second would have been better than they could have hoped for. It would have been brilliant. Perfect really, as it would have given them something to aim for in the following year.

But no. It had been too good to be true. He should have known. He'd always had appalling luck. It seemed it had followed him from F1 into endurance racing.

 

He decided to let himself indulge in a sulk for a little bit and not to get up until he felt ready to face the world. He closed his eyes, and then without meaning to, slipped back asleep.

 

 

 

It wasn't until lunchtime that Mark finally emerged. Sebastian was feeding the dogs in the kitchen when Mark came through, his hair still wet from showering.

“Morning,” Mark greeted him trying to sound as normal as he could.

“Afternoon,” corrected Sebastian with a smile.

“Oh, is it? Yeah.”

“I wasn't sure whether to wake you, but I decided not.”

“Good call. I still feel pretty done in to be honest.” Mark sounded done in too.

“Yeah you look it,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Right, thanks for that Seb,” Mark tried a smile but he wasn't quite getting there.

“You look annoyingly perky for someone who didn't get any kip all weekend either.”

“Well I didn't have to do any more than watch and drink coffee, did I?”

“Guess not.”

“Speaking of which, there's coffee on the side there if you want some.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

 

Mark, poured himself a mug-full and sat down. He thought he might need a few pints of coffee to get the caffeine to kick in today.

 

“I was going to take them out for a long catch-up walk,” Seb indicated the dogs, “if you fancied coming? If you don't, it's okay.”

“Mmm, don't think I'm gonna be very good company today mate,” admitted Mark.

“I don't mind.”

Seb wanted to let Mark lead him to see what he needed to feel better today.

“Okay, well just let me get something to eat first then.”

“Sure.”

Mark ruffled his damp hair. A walk out with the dogs would be good. He hoped Sebastian didn't want to talk too much, he still wasn't really in the mood.

 

 

 

They walked out much further than usual. Seb concentrating on the dogs and leaving Mark to it, seeing as it was apparent he didn't feel like discussing anything.

Seb worried he was getting this all wrong. He didn't know what to say to make Mark feel happier. Mark was so much better at this than he was.

 

The further they went, the more Mark felt he was leaving the weekend behind him. He threw a few sticks for the dogs and couldn't help but feel a bit better as they ran around excitedly fetching them for him. Mark stroked their fur in praise. Good dogs; They didn't care about stupid things like races and engines and cars that broke down at the worst possible moment.

 

“I'm sorry,” Mark said as they came out of the woods, “I know I'm being an arse.” He sighed, “I can't help it.”

“It's okay Mark, really. I do understand you know.”

Seb stopped and put a hand on his arm.

Mark nodded.

“Shall we take them up the hill?” tried Seb.

“Sure, why not?” Mark agreed, thinking a stretch up the hill would be good for him.

 

They were just coming off the lane when Mark's phone rang in his pocket.

He pulled it out and saw it was work.

“Hang on,” he excused and walked over to the side.

 

A few minutes later he returned looking less than pleased.

“They want me to do some media stuff,” Mark explained.

“What, _now?”_ asked Sebastian. “But you've only just got back.”

“No, they mean over the phone. Just a few interviews. I can't really say no.”

Mark had wanted to though.

“You finish up with these guys, I'll cut back, alright?”

“Okay.”

 

Seb was disappointed. He was trying to do all the things he could think of to help Mark feel better and none of it seemed to be working out. He didn't think it was very fair of Porsche to ask more of Mark today, but then teams did that all the time; Expecting drivers to permanently be on form and willing to snap to it to put on a good show for the press, shilling out the party line and smiling through adversity when it was the last thing they felt like doing.

He headed up the path and watched Mark trudge off home.

 

 

On returning to the house, Sebastian found Mark holed up in the room he used as a study, stuck on the phone. By the time he came out he looked even more tired than before and was clearly in a foul temper.

Seb offered him coffee but Mark refused it saying he'd be bouncing off the ceiling if he drank any more. Seb was at a loss. There was only so many times you could say you were sorry about what had happened. He ended up taking his laptop to his room to go through some notes for the next race and tried to ignore the realisation that he was avoiding Mark's bad mood.

 

 

 

Sebastian had another go at making dinner that evening and managed not to burn it this time, but Mark wasn't eating an awful lot of it.

Seb tried not to feel offended, but he couldn't understand why he didn't seem to be capable of cheering Mark up. He thought he'd been making progress this afternoon, but once they were interrupted Mark seemed in a worse mood than he had been before. He wasn't used to him being like this. Mark was always the one who balanced things out. Seb worried that he just wasn't good enough to do the same.

 

Mark pushed away his half full plate.

“I'm sorry mate, I just don't fancy it right now.”

Seb felt a little crushed.

“I could do you something else?” he tried.

Mark sighed.

“No, I'm just not hungry. I'm sorry I'm being such an ungrateful sod Seb. It's really nice that you cooked. You didn't even burn it or anything.”

He offered up an attempt at a teasing smile, knowing he was being a miserable bugger when none of this was Seb's fault.

 

Mark hated how he was letting things get to him. He'd been starting to feel better when he'd got out with Seb and the dogs and then he'd had to come back and face a barrage of interviews going over and over what had happened. There were only so many times you could take being asked whether you weren't disappointed to have failed, whether you felt you'd wasted your time making such an effort, whether you thought you were permanently cursed with bad luck, having to rebuff each suggestion with a positive denial, before you started to feel as though you were on trial and wonder if maybe they weren't right after all.

 

And now here was poor Seb making him a nice dinner and doing his damnedest to make Mark feel better and Mark was being so unappreciative.

“It's okay. I know I'm not a very good cook,” said Sebastian diffidently.

Mark felt awful at how he'd made Seb feel when he was trying so hard. What the hell was wrong with him?

“No, Seb. It's great. I'm sorry. It's really nice. You know I'm only joking when I take the piss out of your cooking mate?”

Seb shrugged, “yeah.”

 

Sebastian sounded quiet and Mark felt like shit. He reassured Seb again that the food was good and forced himself to finish off his plateful to try to make his point. They didn't say very much.

 

Mark was annoyed with himself for not being able to open up and share how he felt. Seb always responded so well to him when Mark tried to help out when he'd had problems, but Mark was worried that he was in danger of snapping at Sebastian and he found himself holding back, even though he knew that it was making things worse.

 

“Seb mate, I'm just being a grumpy bastard today, it's not your fault alright?”

“Okay. I do understand what's it's like, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

 

Mark rubbed at his face, frustrated with himself. Maybe they should just tidy up, go watch some TV and chill out and he'd feel better.

He got up and started clearing away. Seb took over and washed up while Mark let him, leaning against the kitchen counter trying not to get in the way. He felt like a big black cloud hanging around.

 

Seb finished up and turned around.

“Do you want a drink?”

“Just water.”

Seb looked in the fridge, but it was empty, so he ran the tap and passed Mark a glass of water.

“Thanks.”

Sebastian hesitated, “do you want to talk about it?”

Mark put down his glass on the unit next to him.

“Not really. I'm kind of sick of talking about it to be honest.”

 

Mark knew it wasn't the same talking to Seb as with others, but he just wasn't able to separate it out yet.

“It wasn't fair. The team expecting you to do all that press stuff today,” sympathised Sebastian.

“No, well...” Mark sighed. Same old same old; having to roll out the usual clichés about learning through failure and picking yourself up ready for the next chance.

“The journalists, were they being arseholes about it? I know how insensitive they can be. I mean what were they asking?” probed Seb.

Mark gave a huff, replying in a helplessly annoyed tone. “You know what Seb, I just don't want to talk about it any more. I'm sorry. I'm just _**done**._ ”

 

He swept down his hands to emphasise his point, and as he did so, Mark's right hand caught the glass by his side and it shot off the counter towards Sebastian, smashing on the floor.

 

Mark looked on as the glass broke, seemingly in slow-motion, shards shooting in all directions; Seb instinctively jumped back out of the way. Mark's breath caught as he saw a terrible look flash across Sebastian's eyes; For a second, just a fraction of a second, there had been fear in them.

It was like a knife in the gut to Mark. Oh god, what had he done?

 

“ _Shit._ Seb. Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it was an accident. I didn't mean to do that!”

Mark's insides were scrabbling around. Sebastian wasn't saying anything.

“I'm really sorry. It just caught my hand,” Mark excused, looking frantically to see if Seb was responding to his apology.

Sebastian unfroze. “It's okay. I know. I know you didn't mean to,” he stammered.

 

Seb couldn't understand why he felt so shocked. It was Mark. Of course he hadn't meant to do it. It was okay, Mark wouldn't have done that on purpose. It was an accident.

Mark nodded dumbly and then dropped down, hurriedly picking up the broken pieces of glass.

“I'm really sorry Seb. I didn't mean to. I don't know what's wrong with me,” he sounded distraught.

 

Sebastian looked at Mark knelt on the floor. He was sweeping up the shards of glass with his bare hands. He knelt down opposite him and caught Mark's hand.

“Mark stop. You've cut yourself.”

There was a trickle of blood where a sharp edge had cut the palm of Mark's left hand.

“I'm sorry,” Mark repeated.

He felt like crying. He'd frightened Seb. He never, _never_ wanted to do that. His heart felt as though it was twisted up tight. What if the glass had hit Seb. What if he'd hurt him? He'd never forgive himself.

 

“Mark it's okay. Just let me look at your hand a minute.”

Sebastian was worried it might be a deep cut. He lifted Mark's hand and turned it over to check. It was still bleeding, but there didn't seem to be any glass left in there.

Seb grabbed a tea-towel hanging from the sink and gently wrapped it around Mark's hand. He put a hand under his elbow encouraging him to get up.

“Just come over here a second. Let me take a look at it.”

 

Sebastian led Mark over to the sink to check his hand. He pulled away the cloth and was relieved to see the bleeding had just about stopped. Mark let him take his arm and move it so Seb could run his hand under the tap to clean it. He winced a little at the cold water stinging the cut.

“Are you alright?” checked Sebastian.

“It's fine.” Mark carefully pulled his hand away from the stream of water.

“Okay then. Why don't you sit down?” suggested Seb.

“I should clear up,” protested Mark looking at the shattered glass all over the floor.

“Leave it,” replied Sebastian. “Look, just go wait in the lounge. I'll get you a plaster.”

 

Mark did as he was told and went and sat on the sofa.

Seb reappeared a few moments later and sat beside him. He took Mark's hand again and carefully covered the wound with a plaster. It wasn't too bad thankfully.

“Are you sure you're okay?” checked Seb.

“Me?” asked Mark. He couldn't believe Sebastian was being so good to him. He'd just nearly thrown a glass at him. He'd scared him. He couldn't stand the thought.

“Seb, I'm so sorry. You've been putting up with me acting like an obnoxious moody arse all day and then I go and do that. I'm such an idiot.”

“You're not an idiot Mark,” reassured Sebastian, “you're just tired and upset. You're allowed to be upset.”

 

Mark closed his eyes and Seb put his arm around him.

“I'm sorry,” Mark reiterated quietly, “I'm really sorry.”

“It's okay,” assured Sebastian.

Mark laid his head against Seb's shoulder, his eyes still shut. Sebastian gave him a squeeze and then they sat there very still for a while.

 

 

Mark sat himself back up, still feeling terrible.

“I really didn't mean to knock the glass at you Seb, I was just annoyed,” Mark repeated.

“I know. You were just annoyed. It's okay.” Sebastian paused. “I know I must be annoying sometimes. I expect too much of you.”

“What? No Seb, you're not annoying. That's...” Mark sighed, “that's not what I meant. I'm just annoyed at what happened in the race, annoyed at all those stupid journos, at the team for making me do that today.” He couldn't even apologise right at the moment.

“I'm sorry. If you just want your own space right now, and I'm here getting in the way. I don't want to be a burden,” continued Seb, worrying that Mark was wishing he had the house to himself.

 

Mark sighed, feeling worse than ever. He'd made Seb feel like he shouldn't be here. He'd been trying so hard to make Mark feel better and all Mark had done was let things get worse.

“Of course I want you here, Seb. I just can't seem to be myself right now. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I'm so tired I can't think straight.”

Seb nodded, wondering if Mark really meant it about wanting him to stay. Was it ridiculous that he was living at Mark's when he had a perfectly good house sitting empty just down the road. Would Mark even say if he wanted him to go or was he just too polite to kick him out? There'd been no sign of Heikki reappearing at the house. Maybe it was Seb being pathetic again, running back to Mark and relying on him taking care of him when he had enough problems of his own to deal with?

“If you're tired why don't you just go to bed and catch up on some sleep?” Seb suggested.

 

 

Mark lay in bed looking out at the still not dark sky through his open window. He was bone tired, but now he couldn't sleep for worrying about how badly he was handling all of this, how terribly he'd treated Sebastian when all he'd been trying to do was help.

He felt sick at the memory of the glass flying towards Seb and the look in his eyes. He'd been annoyed and he'd knocked the glass, but he hadn't done it on purpose. Seb had to know that didn't he?

He'd nearly hurt Seb because of losing his temper and now Seb was asking if he even wanted him staying there. Was Seb thinking he ought to move out again? That was the last thing Mark wanted.

Mark felt as though everything was going wrong and he was helpless to stop it. He couldn't bare the idea that he'd frightened Seb. Even for a second. He kept seeing the flash of that look in Seb's eyes and it was torture. How could he be messing things up so badly?

Mark curled up on his side and buried his head in the pillow as tears crept out and he finally felt so exhausted that he fell asleep.

 

Downstairs in the kitchen Sebastian was sweeping up the glass and trying not to go over the disastrous day in his head. He couldn't work out what he'd got so wrong with Mark. He'd tried to help and all he'd done was wind him further up until he'd snapped.

Seb looked at the glass in the pan. He knew that Mark hadn't intentionally knocked the glass at him, he knew that, but he couldn't help feeling a little shaken nonetheless.

He tidied away the last of the mess and found his mobile phone. Hesitating for just a moment, Seb sent a text asking if Henry couldn't fit him in for half an hour tomorrow.

 

 

 

The next morning Seb and Mark went on their run as usual, but the silence that was usually companionable seemed strained.

They sat drinking coffee and looking at the papers wondering what to say to one another. Even the waitress that served them was surprised by the atmosphere between them and on returning to the kitchen mentioned to the owner that that nice couple who always came in seemed to have had a row.

 

 

 

Things were so uncomfortable between the pair that Sebastian set off early for his appointment with Dr. Menton and spent an hour killing time looking around the shops.

 

When he detailed exactly what had happened, Seb was surprised when Dr. Menton nodded and told him that it was entirely to be expected.

“What do you mean?” asked Sebastian.

“All, of it Seb. It's all normal; having issues living with someone and not agreeing all the time, getting annoyed with someone when a person is over-tired, it's all normal.”

“But, I don't understand why I was getting it so wrong? I was trying my best. I don't know why I can't reach him when he's so good when he does it for me?”

 

Henry shook his head, “I don't think you were getting anything wrong Sebastian. It sounds as though you were doing all the right things and Mark was just too upset by things and too tired to be ready to respond. I'm sure if you give him time he'll come round.”

“But I don't have time,” noted Seb anxiously, “I have to go out to Austria tomorrow.”

“Another race?”

“Yes.”

“Never ends does it?” commented Henry, thinking how much pressure the relentless schedule put on Sebastian.

 

“Look, Seb, don't think of it that way. Is Mark going to have disappeared when you get back after the weekend?”

“Well, no, but...”

“No. So if he needs a bit of time and space, then this is exactly what he'll be getting wont he?”

“I suppose,” agreed Seb reluctantly. He didn't want to go away with this hanging between them. “I don't want to be worrying about this all weekend when I'm meant to be concentrating on a race.”

 

“Fair enough,” agreed Dr. Menton. “Then your alternative is to talk to Mark about this and sort things out between you.”

“I've tried,” protested Sebastian.

“And what did he say?” asked Henry.

“He just keeps apologising and I can't seem to get through to him that it's okay.”

“Is it okay?”

“What?”

“What happened. You said he got angry and knocked the glass at you.”

 

Sebastian felt very uncomfortable.

“He didn't mean to do it.”

“You're sure?”

“Of course. You've met Mark. You must know he's not like that. He wouldn't do that. He'd never...”

Seb felt himself getting worked up. He _knew_ Mark hadn't meant to do it, didn't he?

“He'd never hurt you?” finished Dr. Menton.

 

Sebastian's breath caught as he felt the rush of emotion, the stab of panic he'd felt just for a moment last night. He could trust Mark. He knew he could. He knew it. So why did he feel this way?

Hot tears were leaking out of his eyes before Seb could stop them.

 

“I know he wouldn't. I know it was an accident. I just, I can't... just for a moment...” Seb gulped and hurriedly brushed the tears away.

“Just for a moment it was Heikki,” continued Henry.

“No!”

“Just for a moment. In your mind you were back there Seb. That's why you're so upset. That's why you can't talk to Mark properly about what happened,” explained Dr. Menton calmly.

“He's not. He's not Heikki. Mark's nothing like Heikki. He's _nothing_ like him. He'd never have done that on purpose. He's not violent,” insisted Sebastian.

“I know,” Henry confirmed, using his calmest voice to still Sebastian. “I know he's not violent, and you know that too, and that's good, but you need to understand what happened and why you reacted the way you have.”

 

Sebastian looked at him, pleading for Henry to tell him that everything was going to be okay.

 

“Mark wasn't intentionally violent. I accept that. But the act of smashing the glass...”

“He didn't smash it. It was an accident, he just knocked it,” interrupted Seb.

“Fine, but the glass smashing, intentional or otherwise, was in _itself_ violent. It was a shock to you to be in a domestic setting with a person you trust and a violent thing occurred.”

“It was just a glass, he didn't mean to,” repeated Sebastian quietly.

“I understand,” confirmed Henry.

“He was as shocked as I was. More so I think. He looked terrible. As soon as it happened he apologised. He keeps apologising over and over,” reported Sebastian. He'd thought Mark might cry when he was on the floor trying to clear the broken glass away.

 

“And you've accepted his apology?” question Dr. Menton.

“Of course.”

Dr. Menton paused. He wasn't sure he was getting through to Sebastian.

“Do you see what I'm saying though Seb?”

 

Sebastian shook his head. Mark wasn't Heikki. He knew that. It was an accident. He knew that too. Why was it still bothering him?

 

Henry sighed. “Seb, in your mind, an act of violence,” Sebastian went to interrupt him, but he held up his had to let him continue, “in your mind, Seb, an act of violence, even accidental, is a threat to you, because that is what it was before. Your reaction to it is instinctually one of fear. And that is why you're distressed; because you don't want that associated with Mark.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes. Mark wasn't Heikki. He knew that.

“I know Mark isn't Heikki,” asserted Sebastian in a small voice.

Dr. Menton nodded. "Good. I know you know that. You just need your subconscious to catch up with that understanding."

 

Seb looked up at him. “Is this just what I'm left with now? That I see Heikki in everything, that he's messed my head up so badly that I just see him all the time?”

“No Seb. You get better.”

Sebastian felt a terrible catch in his chest.

“I will?”

“Yes Seb, you'll get better. I'll try to help you, and Mark will help you, and you'll help yourself, but you _will_ get better.”

At that Sebastian dropped his head into his hands and sobbed. Henry was so certain; He'd get better. There was actually some hope for him.

 

Once Seb had stopped crying and drunk some more water, he calmed down enough to mention the matter he'd been too afraid of talking about before for fear that Henry might think he was losing his mind.

 

“Henry. I've been so worried that Heikki has just taken me over, that I see him all the time,” Seb admitted.

“What do you mean?” questioned Dr. Menton.

“At races, mostly. I think I see him and then I don't and I started to think I was going mad.”

“You've seen him at races?” asked Henry trying not to sound alarmed.

“No, no, I _think_ I see him. But then I look and it's not him, it's just someone that looks a bit like him, or there's no one there at all, and I think I'm losing it.”

“I see.”

“Do you think I'm just obsessed?” worried Seb.

“No Sebastian, I don't think that. I think quite naturally you are anxious that you might see him, and so perhaps your subconscious fills in the blanks.”

Seb gave a little smile. “That's what Mark said.”

“Very perceptive of him.”

“So I'm not going mad then? Because after I think I've seen him I can't help worrying and wanting to be sure it really wasn't him and sometimes I don't know what I saw.”

“You're not going mad, it's an entirely rational concern Sebastian. And it's something we all do, on a lesser scale, when we think we see a face we recognise in a crowd. It's just heightened in your case, that's all.”

“Oh, okay.”

 

Henry sat there for a moment thinking.

“Look, I've an idea that might help.”

Seb looked at him hopefully.

“You've got a phone that takes pictures I presume?”

“Yeah.”

“Then next time this happens, take a picture. Of the crowd, or over at whatever has distracted you. Then you can look back at the photograph afterwards and reassure yourself that it was just a similar face, or nothing at all. Then you can stop worrying about it.”

Seb could have hugged Henry. That was a great idea. Why hadn't he thought of that?

 

 

Sebastian walked back to his car feeling so much better for talking to Henry. He might be screwed up, but he was going to get better. And he wasn't going crazy seeing Heikki in everything.

He had to talk to Mark about it properly and they'd be okay again.

 

 

 

 

Once home Sebastian couldn't wait to talk to Mark to explain everything.

Mark was so horrified at the notion that Seb had seen Heikki in him that he started apologising again, feeling dreadful that he could be the cause of such distress, but Sebastian felt so relieved at understanding what it all meant that he didn't need Mark's apologies.

 

“I know you didn't mean to Mark. It's really okay,” Seb insisted.

“Really? Cos I've felt horrible about it ever since Seb. You know I'd never do something like that.”

“I do. I do know that. It's okay Mark. It just made me jump, _inside,_ you know?”

“I still hate that it was me that caused you to feel that way.”

 

They were sat on the sofa in the lounge. Somehow it had seemed wrong to have this conversation in the kitchen.

 

Sebastian placed his hand on Mark's arm and looked him firmly in the eye.

“It was an accident. That's life. I have to get used to being normal and not freaking out at things that happen. It wasn't your fault Mark. I don't want you walking on eggshells around me all the time. I want us to be normal.”

“I want us back to normal too,” admitted Mark.

“Okay, well then we put it behind us and decide to be normal,” proposed Sebastian.

Mark gave a little laugh. “Is that something we just decide?”

“Yes,” said Seb defiantly. They were going to be normal and he was going to get better. He wasn't going to let Heikki ruin his life.

“Well okay then.”

Mark felt so much better; If Seb could be fine, so could he. He didn't even care about his botched race any more, all he cared about was things going back to normal between the two of them.

 

Seb remembered that he was due to fly out to his next race the following day. He didn't want to leave things with Mark.

“Why don't you come to Austria with me?” Seb asked.

“Do you think that'd be okay?”

“Of course it'd be okay. I'd like you to be there.”

“No, I meant with the team. I mean this is their home race. Do you think I can just pitch up uninvited?”

“ _I'm_ inviting you,” insisted Sebastian. “I'll have a word with Christian. I'm sure they'd be happy for you to come. You're still affiliated with RedBull aren't you?”

“Well, yes, I suppose,” admitted Mark.

“I bet they can find some PR stuff for you to help out with,” suggested Sebastian.

“I'll bet they can too,” confirmed Mark dryly, wondering for a moment if he might not regret this.

“Great,” said Seb cheerily, missing Mark's insinuation.

 

They were going to go out to Austria together and everything would be fine again. With Mark there, there was a chance he might actually enjoy the weekend. They might end up doing some PR stuff together. It would be like old times. Only not. It would be better.

 

Mark looked at Seb and saw how happy he was at the idea of him going out to the race with him. Things were okay between them. He'd take doing a few PR gigs for his old team as the price he was willing to pay for Sebastian looking happy like that.

 

They would go to Austria together and everything would be okay between them. That was all that mattered. Everything was going to be fine.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't just let things be nice and happy could I?


	18. Snapped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a while, but it's a long one! Hope you think it was worth the wait.
> 
>  
> 
> Oh btw, I may have played rather fast & loose with a few timings & events from this weekend, but you know, this is just fiction...  
> ;)

 

 

Being at the newly refurbished RedBull Ring was, as they had expected, busy. The team had invested a great deal in taking over and rebranding the track and they had not expected to be where they were in the standings when the plans had been originally made. So to compensate, there was a lot of PR going on to distract the media from focussing too heavily on results.

Christian had been only too pleased to have Mark come along to help share the burden, and he soon found himself back in RedBull gear, talking to the same old faces, almost as if he'd never left. He teased Sebastian that if he wasn't careful he was going to find himself sat back in a car in the garage at this rate (at which Seb told him he was more than welcome to have a go).

 

There was a buzz about the place even though the track was nestled in the Austrian mountains and Seb loved feeling the fresh air of the countryside, even if it did remind him a little too much of Switzerland. The fans had turned out to welcome them in full force and there was too much going on to allow him to get lost in his thoughts as RedBull rolled out a full programme of music and activities and demonstrations from the daredevil X-Games competitors showing off their skills.

Seb found himself so busy that he barely had time to worry about the race and how the car was going to behave, never mind anything else. The team had him out and about raising the profile of the sport and the brand and it was easy enough to slip into his accustomed role, showing his best cheery face as he went about whatever was asked of him.

 

Seb and Mark even had a few PR events scheduled together, which pleased Sebastian and amused Mark no end, particularly when a journalist asked Seb what it was like to be back with his old team-mate and Sebastian replied that it he'd actually seen rather more of Mark than he had anticipated this year. They both laughed at that, letting the media assume that Sebastian meant the number of races Mark had attended. When someone commented that they seemed to be getting on much better these days, Mark merely replied that “Things change,” and shot Seb a secret smile that somehow no one seemed to pick up on. Seb caught Mark's eye and they both grinned at the knowledge that the press had so little clue.

 

This ended up being a little game they played all weekend; teasing the media and not letting on how their relationship had altered. Sebastian gave away little sign at how happy he was that Mark was there, and Mark in turn concentrated on talking up how well his fellow countryman was doing in his old seat.

 

If anyone had really been paying attention they might have noticed how although Mark was stood on Daniel's side of the garage, it was Sebastian's side that he watched. They might have been struck by the way Mark immediately stuck up for Seb whenever he was asked about his performance this year. They might have seen the way Sebastian was distracted in the garage when he was meant to be talking to his engineers and was watching Mark stood outside talking on camera, Seb wondering if he was talking about him and reading from his body language how relaxed and at ease Mark was back talking to the Formula One television teams he knew so well.

If anyone had really noticed all this, they might have been intrigued enough to follow Mark or Seb when they entered the RedBull motorhome and seen that they ended up in the same room most of the time. If they'd have got that far they would have realised how obviously at ease they were with one another and how the minute the door of Sebastian's room shut behind them, they relaxed and stopped being so polite, laughing at the dumb questions they'd been asked or the crazy stunts they'd seen a BMX-er pull as they walked past.

 

But nobody did notice. As usual, everyone saw just what they expected to see and even those journalists who had indulged in the most sensational reporting about the breakdown in team relations last year, weren't really all that surprised to see that once Mark had left the team, the two drivers were adult enough to behave well in each other's company.

 

The only person who really did properly notice and think he understood what was going on was Christian, and he was too entertained by the game the two were playing to interfere. It suited him well enough to have a bonus driver for the team to use for PR purposes over the weekend. Christian also knew there was more than enough pressure on this home race and was thankful once again to Mark for being there to keep Seb happy.

 

 

 

If it seemed as if everything was going well off the circuit, it was unfortunate that that was not the case once the actual driving started.

 

Friday morning had started off well enough.

With the circuit located in the countryside, many of the fans were camping, so the track was packed from early on and Seb had to fight his way in through the crowds. Just as he got near the paddock gate something caught his eye and he stopped and turned. His heart missed a beat for a moment as he thought he saw a familiar face in the crowd, but then he remembered Henry's idea and whipped out his phone to take a picture.

Heading on in, Seb looked at it and couldn't quite make out the faces as the sun reflected off the screen, but once inside his room he could examine it properly and he could see plainly that the face was that of a much older man. It wasn't Heikki. Of course it wasn't.

Seb breathed out in relief. Henry was a genius. Now he could relax and prepare fully-focussed for the day ahead and by the time Mark caught up with him to watch free practice he'd be ready to go.

 

Seb tried not to feel too disappointed when he got a text from Mark telling him he was stuck in traffic and was going to be late for the start of today's running.

It was fine, Seb told himself. He didn't need Mark there the whole time. This was only practice anyway, just a chance to get used to the new track and see how the car was running on it.

 

As it turned out the car wasn't running well on the new track at all. Seb was way down in fifteenth and when he pushed harder towards the end of the session in an attempt to raise the bar, he went wide at the last corner and spun spectacularly; not once but twice, turning full circle each time; It took all of Seb's skill to keep the car out of the barrier and end up facing in the right direction so he could carry on, but the tires were horribly flat-spotted and he knew his morning was done.

 

Over in the RedBull Energy Station lounge Mark nearly gave the game away; leaping up out of his chair and exclaiming _“Jesus!”_ under his breath, before sitting down again wondering what people must think, and then shaking his head as Sebastian's team-mate came off at the same corner only minutes later. Things were not looking too good for the home team.

 

 

Back in his room, Mark pointed out that Daniel had hardly done any better than Sebastian, that the spin was actually a great save and the team ought to be grateful they weren't having to rebuild Seb's car right now when a lesser driver would have lost it.

 

“I shouldn't have pushed out onto the astroturf when it was raining I guess,” admitted Seb.

“Well practice is all about finding the limits,” countered Mark.

“I think I found them.”

Seb smiled. It wasn't that bad. The spin had certainly woken him up that was for sure. It was more worrying how low down the timesheet the team was, but there was still this afternoon to get things right.

 

 

By the evening Sebastian and Mark were sat in the hotel's dining room getting dinner. No one paid them a second glance as they sat there.

 

Sebastian had to agree that the afternoon had seen some improvement, although sixth was nothing to write home about, he was at least ahead of Daniel.

“Guess I shouldn't admit to that?” acknowledged Seb.

“Being _quite_ so pleased to beat your team-mate?” Mark raised an eyebrow, “it never bothered you before.”

 

Mark laughed at the irony of them having this conversation, of him encouraging Seb to feel good about beating his team-mate. If any of those journalists he'd been speaking to earlier overheard this discussion, Mark thought they'd just about fall down dead with shock.

 

“Yeah true. Guess it's a little different these days. At least we're going in the right direction,” confirmed Sebastian.

“So, rather better than this morning then?” smiled Mark.

Seb smiled back, “Yeah you could say that.”

 

“Other than that, today wasn't so bad was it?” checked Mark.

“No, I suppose not. It's been so busy this feels like the first time I've really had time to think all day.”

“They're certainly pulling out all the stops.”

“Kept you busy then?”

“Oh yeah, I think Christian's a little too thrilled he had me to shove out in front of the press to keep them busy while they fixed a new floor on your car.”

Sebastian smiled, “you love it really, they're all so happy to see you.”

“Well, it's rather easier when you're not talking about yourself you know?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

“You don't have the same kind of pressure once you're out of it,” explained Mark. He had to admit, it had been kind of fun this weekend so far.

“Hmmm,” murmured Sebastian.

Mark looked at him, he wondered if it was rather _less_ fun for Seb, with the pressure of a home race, the extra attention with all the top brass watching on and the added media commitments, he hoped it wasn't too much for him.

“You're alright aren't you? It's not getting to you, the team making so much of this home race?”

 

Sebastian paused, wondering whether to mention the way he'd been distracted again thinking he'd seen things.

“Mark. I didn't tell you something else from when I spoke to Henry.”

Mark looked worried for a moment. “Oh?”

“No, it's alright. It's just he had an idea, about, you know how I keep thinking I see... him.”

Mark was definitely concerned now.

“It's been happening again?”

“Yeah, but it's okay. See, Henry had this idea that if it happened, I should use my phone to take a picture, and then I could look at it and I could be sure I'm not going crazy.”

“Seb, you're not going crazy,” reassured Mark.

 

Mark rested his hand down on Seb's arm. He really didn't give a fuck who was looking right now.

 

“No, but see it's alright. Cos now I can check and I don't have to worry about it.” Sebastian really did sound assured about it.

“Good. Well, okay. But you weren't going crazy before, just so you know.”

Seb nodded.

“Can I have a look, at the pictures you took? Do you mind?”

Mark frowned a little, he'd quite like some reassurance himself.

  
Seb got out his phone, opening up the photo gallery for Mark to scroll through the pictures.

“It happened more than once then?”

“Yeah, but it's okay.” Seb reached over and pinched out the picture to zoom in.

“See he looks nothing like him,” he moved on to the next photograph, “and there's not even anybody here in this one.”

“Right,” agreed Mark. “I guess that's all good then.”

 

Mark still didn't like that Seb was thinking he was seeing Heikki out there, but at least Dr. Menton had given him a tool to deal with the issue. Mark didn't always approve of everything the psychologist did, but he had to admit he had his head screwed on and he did seem to be genuinely concerned for Seb and want to help him move on.

 

“Anyway, early start tomorrow, so...”

“Yeah good idea,” agreed Mark and they called it a night.

 

 

 

Seb tried not to let it bother him when twice more before final practice he found himself getting diverted by thinking he saw something in the crowd. Maybe the pressure was getting to him? He was still double checking the pictures on his phone when he was stood in the garage waiting to get in the car. He could have done with chatting to Mark about it to reassure himself, but Mark had been sent out by the team to greet the fans and Seb was left peering at the pictures, telling himself he wasn't nuts for even thinking it.

 

 

By the time practice was over Seb was annoyed with himself for letting it get to him. He'd been preoccupied and he was sure that he had really got all that he could out of the car that morning; Only tenth. That wasn't good enough. Dan wasn't a whole lot better, but that wasn't the point. Seb had to be at least ahead of him, even if it was only by one slot. Everyone was watching and judging him. He didn't want to have to go out to the press to face yet more questions about why he was struggling this year and why his team-mate was beating him. He had to improve for qualifying. This was RedBull's home race, their home track. They'd actually bought the damn circuit; he couldn't let them down. He _had_ to do better.

 

On his way over to the motorhome he wondered where Mark had got to. There were so many people here he couldn't see him.

Seb looked about and considered going looking for him, before realising that was a ridiculous idea. He scanned the crowd once more and his heart stopped.

Heikki.

He pulled out his phone and his hands were shaking as he pressed the button to take a photograph. Seb looked back and the crowd had shifted along. There was no sign of the face he'd seen. He looked down at the photograph and there was nothing there either; just a load of nameless faces. He was going mad.

  
A hand slapped down on his shoulder and Seb jumped.

“Whoa, mate you alright?” It was Mark.

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah. You made me jump.”

Seb found himself calming down immediately. He was being stupid. The pressure _was_ getting to him.

“Fancy getting an early lunch?” asked Mark.

“Yeah, sure.” Seb shook his head, he was just being silly. Mark would make him feel better and then he could forget about everything and refocus ready for qualifying. Nothing before this point really counted after all.

 

 

But qualifying wasn't better, it was worse. Sebastian barely scraped out of Q1 and then they mistimed things and he missed the chequered flag by milliseconds and he was out in Q2. The margins were so close, but if you were out you were out and that was that.

  
Sebastian stepped out of the car and pasted on a rueful smile as he removed his helmet to face his disappointed team. Dan was still in it. Of course he was.

  
As qualifying finished, Sebastian watched as it became clear how difficult they were finding things on the straights. Christian's little jokes that they should have put some more chicanes into the track seeing as it was theirs to do with as they pleased, didn't seem quite so funny when Seb stood looking at the data showing how much time the Renault engine was losing there.

Daniel wasn't even that much better. Ninth to Seb's thirteenth. But he was still better. And there was that damn kid _Kvyat_ in the Torro Rosso qualifying in seventh. _Seventh?_ How the hell had he managed that when they had the same engine in a supposedly worse car?

It made Sebastian's excuses sound rather hollow as Britta dragged him from media scrum to media scrum. How could he blame Renault for his shortcomings when others were pulling more out of the car?

  
The sun had come out at least, giving Seb the excuse to hide behind his sunglasses. It wasn't much, but he needed all the armour he could get today. He wanted Mark. He didn't know where he'd got to. It was hardly as if he could have Mark stood by him as he gave interviews. It was pathetically needy of Seb to want to run away from all these crowds and go find Mark to get the hug he wanted so badly right now.

  
There were too many people here. Seb could feel it getting on top of him. He wasn't convinced he was really concentrating on what he was saying any more. He felt Britta tap his arm and he tried to pull himself back. He shook his head at Lee and asked her to repeat the question when he realised he had no idea what she'd just asked him.

  
As he walked away Seb felt he was being buffeted around. He needed to take a moment, but there was no time for that.

As they moved along the paddock from the press pen he stopped a couple of times, sure that he was seeing things again. Britta looked at him oddly when he pulled his phone out and started snapping pictures of the crowds. He wasn't even sure what he was looking for any more and was taking pictures randomly.

  
“What was that about?” asked Britta clearly bemused by his actions.

“Oh, umm, I just wanted some pictures to show how frantic it is here this weekend,” excused Sebastian.

“Oh I see. Well, I guess we're done for now. You can go and get a bit for space to yourself for a while.”

“You're letting me off the leash then?” Seb managed to joke.

“For now,” allowed Britta as she held open the door to the Energy Station.

 

Seb shot up the stairs to the sanctuary of his room.

Sebastian sat down on the bed taking some deep breaths to steady himself. It was just a crappy day. He was letting things get to him. He'd promised himself he wouldn't do that and he had. Damnit. Thirteenth? He put his face in his hands and sagged down. What was he supposed to do from thirteenth when his car didn't have the power to overtake on the straights? He'd already had an ear-bashing from Dr. Marko in the garage and he wasn't sure if Christian's polite disappointment wasn't worse.

Where the hell had Mark got to?

  
Sebastian sat there for a minute waiting and then realising that Mark wasn't coming, he decided to have a shower and get changed to see if that didn't help his mood a little.

 

  
As Seb put on fresh clothes he searched around for where he'd put his phone. Finding it, he stood in the middle of the room flicking through the pictures he'd taken:

Nothing, nothing, someone who looked vaguely like Heikki, someone who looked _nothing_ like Heikki, nothing...

Seb shook his head, he really was losing it. There was nothing there. He tipped his head back and looked at the ceiling, he stretched his neck from side to side trying to pull himself together.

He decided to just finish off looking through the last of the photos he'd taken that afternoon when he was with Britta. There really were so many people here.

  
Sebastian was about to shut down the phone when he looked at the last photograph one more time. He stopped. He poured over the photo, looking past the people nearest to the camera and at those behind. There was the back of someone's head; it looked familiar. That was ridiculous. He couldn't recognise someone by the back of their head. Seb closed the picture down and moved back along one. He looked carefully at the background crowd.

No. Because, _no._ That couldn't be.

  
Seb pushed his fingers apart to enlarge the section of the picture. He stared and stared. He pulled the photo even larger until the shot was pixelated and blurry. He pushed it back down again until it came nearer to focus. Seb's eyes widened and his breathing stopped altogether.

It _was_ Heikki.

  
Sebastian dropped the phone. It bounced on the floor, falling apart into its component pieces. Seb looked down at it in shock. His breathing was heavy and his eyes still wide.

Oh god, oh god. _No._ His heart clutched. He could feel it getting irregular as panic overtook him.

Seb tried to get his breathing back under regulation. Maybe there was a chance he'd imagined it? He had to check. Sebastian dropped to the floor and gathered up the bits of his phone and tried to put it back together with shaking hands. He knelt there waiting for the phone to power back on. It seemed to take an age.

There was a noise outside in the corridor and Seb sat back and pushed himself against the door, reaching up to lock it behind him. He stared at the screen waiting for it to unlock and allow him to check the picture again.

  
Finally the phone allowed him access and Sebastian opened up the photo. He enlarged it and stared. It was him. Oh god, it was really him.

Sebastian's breathing went again. He pulled his knees up and ducked his head down into them. He couldn't stop himself letting it get worse. Everything was spinning and Seb knew he was letting panic overtake him. He had to stop. He had to breathe. His chest hurt. He had to breathe.

Seb closed his eyes as if that would do anything to help. Breathe. _Breathe._ But Seb was hyperventilating and he was powerless to stop it.

  
There was a knock on the door behind him and Sebastian jumped upright, pressing his back against the door to block anyone trying to get in.

“Seb?”

It was Mark.

Sebastian was too worked up to move. He continued pressing his back into the door as the door handle turned fruitlessly.

“Seb? Are you okay? You gonna let me in mate?” Mark sounded concerned.

  
Seb scrunched his eyes tightly closed. He was still breathing too heavily and his brain didn't seem to be functioning properly. He couldn't let anyone in.

“Seb mate, come on. It's me,” said Mark quietly, his voice close to the door.

Seb pressed his head back tightly into his knees. Mark's voice was calming. He tried to slow himself down.

“Seb? It's not that bad. Please let me in.”

  
Mark's voice was right there; right by him, only separated by the flimsy door.

Sebastian managed to sit up a little and get enough breath to speak.

“Mark?”

Mark was surprised to hear Seb's voice so close. He was clearly right on the other side of the door.

“Hey, come on Seb, let me in. What's going on? Things aren't that awful are they?”

  
Mark couldn't understand it. Quali had been bad, but he hadn't realised how much it would have affected Sebastian. He should have got out of his interviews quicker to get back here.

“Mark.”

Oh crap. Seb really was upset. His voice sounded terrible. He sounded out of breath and far, far, too quiet. Mark could tell he was just the other side of the door and his voice sounded as though it was coming from low down. Mark sat down on the floor leaning up against the door.

“Seb, please let me in,” he pleaded quietly.

Mark didn't want to draw any attention to the situation.

  
Sebastian wanted to let Mark in, but he couldn't seem to make himself move. If he wasn't leaning against the door he'd open it, but he was stuck in place.

“Let's talk about it, okay Seb? You just had a bad day. The car's no good around here and the timing was screwed up on that last run. These things happen.”

  
Mark listened at the door. He could hear breathing. Okay, at least Seb could hear him.

“Are they blaming you? Was it Marko? Don't listen to him mate, he talks out of his arse, he's no idea what it's like to drive a modern F1 car.”

Mark heard a snuffled breath.

“ _Seb,_ ” said Mark in a suppressed voice, “It's not the end of the world, mate. You'll just have to do what you can tomorrow.”

 

Daniel bounded up the stairs towards his room. He only got half way up before he clocked Mark sat on the floor, propped up against Seb's door, his long legs stretched out across the corridor to the door of Dan's room. He wheeled around and quietly headed back downstairs. Daniel had no idea what was going on with those two, and he didn't want to know. Whatever it was, it was complicated. He was well out of it. Daniel wondered if he might be able to distract anyone else from going up there for a while.

 

Mark leaned his face up against the door.

“Come on mate, let me in. I can't sit here talking to a door like a complete pillock all night,” Mark tried a lighter tone in the hope that he might reach Seb that way.

  
There was silence from the other side of the door and then click and a shuffling noise. Mark pulled himself up and cautiously tried the door. It finally opened, but only a few inches before it touched Sebastian's back.

“Seb you're gonna have to hutch up up a bit if you wanna let me in. I'm skinny, but I'm not that skinny.”

Seb pushed himself further forward, still sat on the floor. He didn't speak. Mark squeezed himself through the gap and closed the door, locking it behind him. He lowered himself down to join Sebastian.

  
Mark looked at Seb and sighed. He was in a right state; his breathing out of joint and his cheeks flushed. Mark couldn't believe Sebastian might be having an attack here, over a poor qualifying? He didn't understand. It was bad, but was it that bad? Was it the team investing too much in their home race? What had someone said to Seb to upset him so much?

  
Mark put his arm around Sebastian.

“Seb, come on. What's happened to get you like this, eh? Is it the team? Has someone said something? Is it the media?” Mark's voice was low and soothing.

  
Sebastian pulled himself to sit up straight. He swallowed hard and forced his breathing to steady.

“Heikki.”

Mark pulled away slightly to look at him.

“What?!”

Sebastian gulped.

“It's Heikki. He's _here._ ”

He thrust the phone in his hand at Mark.

Mark took it and swept his finger across the screen to unlock it. He tapped a few buttons before handing it back.

“I don't know how your phone works.”

Seb took it back and switched it to the photograph. Mark saw his hands were trembling.

Mark took his arm from around Seb and turned around so he could cover Seb's hand with his own as he held the phone.

“Okay, just let me see,” Mark spoke calmly.

  
He still wasn't 100% sure whether Seb really had seen Heikki or not. He took the phone and looked at the picture. It was just a mass of people.

Seb reached over and pushed against the screen to show the face in close-up. Mark moved the phone closer to his face and stared at.

“Oh _fuck._ ”

There was Heikki's face, staring right at the camera, right at Sebastian, brazenly looking right at him, safely hidden in the crowd.

 

Mark looked at Seb. _Christ,_ now it made sense. Bloody hell.

“I wasn't imagining it,” breathed Seb.

“No,” confirmed Mark heavily.

“I thought I was losing my mind.” Sebastian took a juddering breath, “I thought I was seeing things. But I wasn't. I wasn't...”

  
Mark set down the phone and put his hands on Seb's shoulders looking him firmly in the eye.

“It's okay.”

“How is it okay?” asked Seb in a disbelieving tone. “How? Jesus, Mark. He's _here_. Do you think he's been here all along? Do you think he was always there? All those other times?”

“I don't know. Maybe.”

“ _Shit,_ ” Sebastian swallowed hard, he was trying hard not to cry.

  
Mark wanted to pull Seb into his arms, but he needed to talk him down first.

“It's okay Seb, alright. He can't do anything to you. What's he going to do, hmm?”

  
Sebastian didn't know, but he was terrified to find out. He shrugged, desperately looking at Mark for reassurance.

“Seb he's not going to do anything. He can't get to you here. He's just trying to fuck with your head.”

Sebastian closed his eyes briefly. If Heikki was just trying to fuck with him it was working.

  
Mark shifted a little closer.

“He can't do anything. He can't get near you. Do you think he could just stroll in here?”

Sebastian sniffed and took another deep breath.

“Maybe he could. I mean no one knows. Apart from you and Christian, no one knows what happened, what he's really like. He could just say he's calling in, no one would stop him.”

  
Mark thought Seb might have a point there, but he wasn't about to admit it.

He shook his head. “He'd never have the nerve Seb. He's a coward. He'd never have the balls to walk right in here.”

“You think?”

“I _know._ Alright?” Mark made sure he sounded absolutely certain even if he wasn't.

  
Seb took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and then slowly let it out.

Mark gave Seb's shoulders a little squeeze and then let go.

“Right, okay. Come on Seb, don't let him get to you. It's exactly what he wants. Do you really want to give him the satisfaction?”

  
Seb thought about it for a moment. He hated that Heikki had this power over him, that even the sight of him, just knowing he was around, completely undid him like this. Deep down Seb knew that was precisely the point. Just as Mark said; Heikki was doing this on purpose. He knew just how to press Sebastian's buttons. He'd deliberately kept his distance to confuse Seb and destabilise him. He'd intentionally stayed just far enough out of sight, lurking in the corner of Sebastian's eye when he was at race weekends and already under stress.

Seb felt angry that Heikki could do that so blatantly, that he felt he could just toy with him like that, that he could make him question his own sanity. It was all just a game to him. Sebastian's life was a game. Well it wasn't a game.

  
Seb looked back at Mark and set his jaw. “No. I can't let him do that any more.”

“Okay then,” replied Mark, relieved to see Seb pulling himself together. “Right. What do we do?”

  
Seb looked at Mark, confused for a moment. He always expected Mark to be the strong one, to make the decisions. Now Mark was asking him what they ought to do and he had no idea.

“I don't know. Is there anything we can do?”

“Well for starters you've got proof right there that he's breaking the restraining order. That's pretty stupid of him.”

“Yeah I guess I do,” agreed Sebastian.

  
Part of him wanted to delete the photo, just to make it go away, but that was illogical. The photo was evidence. He was right there on his camera.

Sebastian was suddenly struck by a thought; His wasn't the only camera, there must be security cameras here. This was RedBull's own circuit. They controlled everything here.

  
“Mark, he must be on CCTV.”

“Hmm? Oh, god, yeah that's a point.” Mark's face broke out into a smile. “Fuck, Seb, that's an _excellent_ point. He's an idiot. He's really outdone himself. There's cameras all over this place, especially in the paddock. This was in the paddock, right?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Seb, he was feeling a lot more solid now.

Mark grinned at him.

“Mate, I don't think he's realised it, but he's just wandered into the lion's den. This is _our_ territory. He's so fucking arrogant he thinks he can do whatever he wants and no one can touch him. Well he can't.”

  
Seb looked at Mark with a new light in his eyes. This _was_ their territory. This was the RedBull Ring. The team owned it and they controlled everyone who worked here. They actually had the upper hand for once.

  
“Do we go to Christian do you think?” asked Sebastian.

“Yeah mate, I think we do.”

 

Mark started standing up and Sebastian copied him. He felt far steadier than he could have imagined only five minutes ago.

Seb took another deep breath. They were really going to do this. He was going to go to Christian and get his help to deal with Heikki once and for all.

  
“I just need to wash my face I think,” excused Seb heading into the little bathroom to do just that, and more importantly to properly pull himself together. He took a moment to look himself in the mirror. Could he do this? Could he finally take some action to control what was happening?

 

Seb stepped back out to face Mark.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. I think so.”

Mark pulled him in for a tight hug.

“Right, let's go.”

  
Seb looked a little hesitant. Mark gave him a reassuring smile and said, “Think of this: Heikki doesn't know it yet, but he's completely fucked and it's all his own doing.”

  
That was a good thought. Seb felt stronger. Mark always did that for him. He could do this.

Seb nodded and they headed out the door.

 

 

 

They sat in Christian's office downstairs in the motorhome. There were plenty of offices that he could avail himself of whilst they were at the RedBull Ring, but Christian preferred to stick to his usual base and treat this race like any other.

  
He was peering at the photograph on Sebastian's phone.

Christian puffed out a breath.

“It's really him.”

Sebastian nodded.

Christian looked at Sebastian. He seemed remarkably okay in the circumstances.

“Are you alright?”

  
Seb swallowed and nodded again. He was okay. He was determined to be okay. The alternative was completely falling apart and he just couldn't afford to do that here. Now the initial shock was over, he thought he might just be able to do this. He needed help, but at least he was taking action, whether it would work was another matter.

“Yeah. I think so.”

  
Christian looked over at Mark to see if he could get a read on things from him. His chair was pulled rather nearer to Sebastian's than would generally be considered strictly necessary, but Seb did seem to be coping reasonably well on his own.

  
“I think it's pretty likely that he's been stalking Seb at races for a while,” added Mark.

“Why didn't you say that you'd seen him Seb?” Christian couldn't believe he'd not told him.

Seb opened out his hands in front of him, “I didn't know, I mean, I thought I was imagining things until I actually saw the picture.”

“Which is precisely what he wanted of course,” noted Mark.

Christian sighed. “No doubt.”

He rubbed his temples trying to focus. This had to happen here didn't it? As if they didn't have enough stress at their home race this weekend already. Christian tried not to be annoyed with Sebastian bringing yet another problem to his door; it wasn't his fault, but Christian sometimes wished he had a more straightforward driver in his team, thank god Daniel was so uncomplicated.

  
“It's rather a blurry picture,” commented Christian wondering what the lawyers would make of it.

“Yeah, on that, Seb had an idea...” Mark looked over at Sebastian, prompting him to continue.

Seb paused for a minute then explained; “The security cameras, they're all over here aren't they?”

Christian looked at him and then cottoned on, “Oh, of course.”

“Not very bright of Heikki,” noted Mark as an aside.

“Quite.”

“So he'll be on them,” clarified Sebastian, “and maybe they'll be better pictures, and it'd be proof wouldn't it that he definitely was here and he couldn't deny it?”

Christian nodded. “It's all pretty state of the art here with the place being refurbished. I'll have to ask, but I think security should be able to do whatever we need.”

“Okay,” nodded Sebastian.

 

This wasn't so bad. They could get some clear evidence that Heikki had been breaking the restraining order that the lawyers could use to somehow stop him from doing it ever again.

 

“I should think they can track him and pick him up, even if it might take them a while with the place so packed,” continued Christian.

“Pick him up?” stopped Sebastian. That wasn't what he had in mind at all.

Christian looked back at him questioningly. “Yes pick him up. What did you think?”

“I thought, I don't know, we could just get a good picture of him, for the lawyers,” answered Seb not at all sure he liked where this was going.

“Seb,” Christian shook his head, “we're not about to let him just walk around if we can find him. If security can find him, his feet wont touch the floor, he's gone.”

“Right.” Seb swallowed, he glanced at Mark, who was still staying out of things.

“I just, I don't want things to get out of hand, you know, I mean what if he makes a scene and...?” Seb trailed off. He wasn't really sure what he thought might happen if Heikki was approached by security when the track was so full of people. The potential for things going horribly wrong with all the media here worried Seb immensely.

“They can be very discreet,” assured Christian.

 

Seb bit his lip and turned to Mark. He gave him a look that Mark read immediately.

“Seb, do you really want them to just let him wander about here?”

“No.”

“So?” asked Mark.

“What if he, I don't know, does something with all the press around and says something,” worried Sebastian.

“Such as?” prompted Christian.

“I don't know... anything, just draws attention to himself and then suddenly it's a thing.”

“A thing?” Mark raised his eyebrows at him.

“It's not going to be a thing,” assured Christian. “I will talk to security personally. They're very professional Seb. They can do this without anyone noticing.”

“What will you tell them?” asked Seb, concerned once again that the circle of people involved in his personal little nightmare was getting wider and wider.

Christian puffed. “I guess that's he's an undesirable...”

“ _I'll say,”_ commented Mark under his breath.

Christian ignored him, “that he is a former employee who is potential trouble, and that we want him gone with the minimum amount of fuss.”

“You think they can do that?” queried Sebastian.

“Look, Seb, if it makes you feel better I will emphasise that we can't have any disturbance. If they can't pick him up without that potential, then...” he rubbed his hair, “...I don't know, I guess we just get them to watch him and then at least he can't do anything, or get anywhere he shouldn't.”

 

Christian looked Sebastian in the eye. Surely that covered everything.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” assented Seb.

He couldn't really ask for more. Christian was bending over backwards to help him and reassure him. Maybe it was just all going to be okay? Wasn't the idea that Heikki was going to be monitored and maybe even got rid of from the circuit altogether, something he wanted? Of course it was.

 

 

 

The next morning Sebastian and Mark met with Christian first thing for an update. Christian explained that he'd been over everything they'd discussed with the security team and it was being worked on, but with the circuit so busy they hadn't yet found him.

“I'm sure they will do though Seb,” reassured Christian. “They'll be particularly watching the paddock areas around the press and by here, where he might look for you, so you don't need to worry about him getting anywhere near, because if he tries that, they'll have right away, okay?”

Seb nodded and puffed out his cheeks. There wasn't much else he could do now other than put it to the back of his mind and concentrate on the race day ahead.

 

 

 

Mark and Seb were sat back in his little room as Sebastian built himself up to going out to do yet more media work for the team ahead of the race. He wasn't going to let Heikki get to him. He couldn't let that happen. This weekend was too important to the team; the eyes of the racing world were apon them and if Seb couldn't bring in the results on the track he could at least do his best off it.

 

“You gonna be alright then?” asked Mark. Seb had been too quiet for too long.

“I'm just going to go out there and shut it all out, and I'll be fine,” Seb asserted.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian thought that if he said it often enough he might just convince himself.

“Okay.”

Sebastian stood up decisively.

“Right, I'm gonna go get stuck in. Better than sitting around worrying.”

“Good idea,” agreed Mark joining him to stand up.

 

Seb keeping busy was probably the best thing for him today, far better than leaving him time to think too much about things; getting anxious about where Heikki was and what he was doing; whether security were going to find him and what would happen when they did. It was definitely better for him to keep busy than to allow him to sit around worrying, Mark could just do that on his behalf.

 

“Don't let him get to you mate, alright?”

Seb nodded.

 

Mark gave him a hug and Seb made to leave the room. Just as he turned the handle Mark stopped him, placed a hand on his shoulder and looked him directly in the eye.

“Seb, just think of this, if you're worrying about Heikki being out there: Maybe he is, but right now he's wandering around thinking he's winning, thinking he's got one over on you...”

Cocky little bastard, probably smiling to himself enjoying the fact that he's torturing you thought Mark angrily.

“...but we know what he doesn't: he's a marked man.”

“Okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah, okay.” Seb gave Mark his firmest look back. “I'm not going to let him win any more.”

Mark smiled.

“Damn right.”

  
Seb set his shoulders and headed out to face the world. He wasn't going to let this take him over. He wasn't on his own; he had Mark with him, he had Christian, he had the whole of site security watching over him. Heikki couldn't touch him any more.

 

 

  
Seb managed to grab a quick word with Mark stood out the back of the garage before he set off for the drivers' parade.

“Just stay out of trouble at the start and see what you can get,” suggested Mark.

“Yeah, that's about all I can do,” agreed Seb.

 

Mark wanted to tell him to scrap for it, but he didn't want to add any more pressure when there was already so much weighing on Seb today.

 

“I've nothing to lose,” added Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“I'm not gonna give up Mark.”

“I know. I know you wont.”

“I think if I can get in the points today, I might have to count that as a win,” continued Sebastian.

“I know you can do that.”

“It's gonna be tough, on this track, with this car.”

“Yeah mate, but it's got you in it.”

  
Seb smiled. Mark was incredible. How did he make him feel this good?

Mark smiled warmly back. Seb getting in the points today would be impressive in the circumstances. He just had to pray that the car would let him do it.

If Mark could go next door and steal the engine right out of that Mercedes to give it to Seb, he would.

 

Seb huffed a laugh, and cast a glance down at himself. “I can't believe the team are making us wear _lederhosen_.”

Mark looked at them.

“Hmm, very fetching,” he grinned.

Yes. _Very_ fetching...

 

Mark pulled himself back; He reckoned as far as Seb was concerned today, the more distractions, however silly, the better.

“Well good luck. Show 'em what you're made of.”

“Will do.”

 

Seb walked off to join the assembly of drivers ready for their little trip around the circuit on the fun bus to wave at the fans.

Mark watched him walk away. Those lederhosen really were very silly, and _very_ distracting...

 

Sebastian turned around and waved. Mark gave him a little thumbs up.

Seb smiled and gave him the thumbs up back. He was going to do this. He was going to shut everything else out and give his all in the race. He was going to fight for what he could get. He wasn't going to give up.

 

 

 

Barely two laps in and Mark was sat stony faced in the RedBull hospitality lounge watching as Sebastian ground to a halt out on track.

'Not today, _please_ not today,' thought Mark.

He could see him helplessly slowing, hear him on the radio desperately asking what to do, but Seb was stopped on the side of the track. Mark flexed his hands to distract himself from the urge to hurl something across the room.

  
Sebastian sat in his car, trying to stay calm. How did these things keep happening to him, _always_ him? He was just about to obey the radio instruction to turn the engine off, when he tried the accelerator one more time and inexplicably, it worked. He'd got drive back. It made no sense, but he was going again. Fuck it, he might be a lap down, but he wasn't giving in.

  
Mark was watching the race playing on the screens above him thoroughly confused; what the hell had they made Seb's car out of this year? Meccano and elastic bands?

'Fuck it mate, just hang in there. Don't give up,' he thought.

 

But it turned out that not giving up wasn't an option when half-way through the race the team commanded Seb to bring the car home. Lap after lap he'd been stuck right at the very back and during his one viable attempt to get out of last place, Seb had managed to damage his front wing and been forced to pit again. Not long after that they'd told him to come in to save the engine. Seb wasn't convinced it was worth saving. There really did come a point when it was pointless.

 

Sebastian climbed out of the car feeling as though his legs weighed a couple of tonnes. Sometimes there was just nothing you could do. Too many times this year. Seb gave the team yet another rueful smile and let himself be led away by Britta.

 

 

Seb had returned to his room to find Mark waiting outside it; leaning up against the door with his arms folded.

“Hey,” sighed Sebastian.

“Hey,” replied Mark in a low voice.

“I think I might just lie down for a bit,” said Seb.

“Fair enough,” allowed Mark. “Do you want me to leave you to it, or shall I stick around and annoy you.”

Sebastian allowed a hint of a smile to cross his face, “you can stay and annoy me for a bit if you like.”

“Righto.” Mark followed him into his room.

 

 

Mark looked up from his position sat on the floor at the television playing out the last of the race as another Mercedes one/two, romped home again for who knew how many times now this season.

 

“Okay. I gotta go mate,” reported Mark.

“Go?” Sebastian turned to face him from his position lying on the bed.

“Yeah. Oh I didn't mention? I'm doing the podium interviews,” Mark explained.

Sebastian looked at him, “you're kidding?”

“No, why?”

“I just. I don't know. It's weird to think of you doing them.”

“Well thanks for that. I think Gerhard was meant to be doing it and Dietrich had a wobbly that he might turn the air blue, so I'm their fall-back.”

  
Mark stood up.

“Gonna wish me luck?”

Seb gave a huffed laugh, “Good luck. Try not to fall over up there.”

Mark shook his head and gave a half smile, “Thanks for that.”

Sebastian propped himself up on his elbow. “Mark, you'd better find a jacket.”

Mark looked down at himself. “I look fine,” he asserted.

“Borrow one from someone,” insisted Sebastian. “Dietrich wont be happy if you let the side down on the world feed.”

Mark rolled his eyes. Seb was right though. Who the hell could he get a jacket from? _DC._ Where would DC be right now? He pulled out his phone and started dialling as he walked out of the room.

“Back in a bit,” he called over his shoulder as he headed out.

 

 

Mark re-entered the room less than ten minutes later.

“How did I do?” he asked.

“You did fine. Whose jacket was that then?” wondered Seb.

“DC's”

“Ah, right. Good. One of mine wouldn't have fitted you even if I had one here.”

Mark smiled “true enough.”

“Guess it's a good job I didn't do better today,” mused Sebastian.

“Hmm?” asked Mark settling himself back down to sit on the floor, stretching out his legs.

“Would've been weird if you'd had to interview me, you know?” Seb smiled at him.

Mark laughed, “yeah, guess it woulda been mate. That DNF was a pretty extreme way to avoid it if you ask me...”

Seb shook his head and attempted to glare at Mark, but he couldn't quite disguise the smile that crept out in response.

 

 

A little while later there was a knock on the door. Seb sat up.

“Yeah?”

The door opened and Britta was stood there.

“Seb, we're going to need to head off to the pen in a minute.” Britta tried to sound reasonably bright about it; they both knew it was unavoidable.

“Yep, okay.”

“Oh, Christian said he wants a word as well.” Britta remembered.

“Did he say what about?” asked Sebastian.

“Umm, no, but he's a pretty bad mood, so...”

“Right.”

“Might as well get it out of the way mate,” chipped in Mark.

“Oh, Mark.” Britta hadn't noticed him sat on the floor to the side of the door. “Umm, hi...”

 

They followed Britta downstairs. Seb turned to her in the lounge and suggested she might as well go ahead and he'd catch her up after he'd spoken to his boss. She walked away down the paddock still feeling a little disconcerted; what on earth had Mark been doing in Sebastian's room? Britta never thought she'd see the day. It was a weird weekend all around.

 

Mark waited around outside Christian's office waiting for Seb to come out. When he emerged Sebastian looked worryingly pale.

Mark frowned, maybe he should have gone in with him? He hadn't thought it appropriate if it was about the race.

“He didn't have a go at you, did he?” Mark queried.

Seb shook his head. “Outside.”

 

They headed out into the paddock and Seb ducked down the side of the motorhome where it was quiet. He leaned his his head back against the wall and let out a shaky breath.

“They've spotted him.”

Mark didn't need to ask who. “Where?”

Seb shook his head, “I didn't even ask. Christian just said they'd found him in some shots from yesterday and a couple from earlier today. They're trying to track him apparently.”

Mark nodded. “Okay, well that's good. Isn't it?”

“Hmm,” answered Sebastian sounding ambivalent.

Mark gave him a firm look. “It'll be okay.”

“Yeah, yeah okay.”

Seb didn't feel okay at all, he'd almost managed to forget about Heikki with everything else going on today. Almost. “I have to go talk to the press now.”

“I'll just walk down with you.”

Mark had considered heading right back in to quiz Christian on what was happening, but he reckoned he'd better keep Seb company.

 

They walked along the paddock to the press pen; Sebastian tried his hardest to shut out all thoughts of Heikki and work out what he was going to say about his race. Mark wished he could put his arm over Seb's shoulder as they walked and wondered why the hell he couldn't just do that.

 

 

Sebastian managed to get through it, somehow. He was struggling to stay focussed on the topic in hand when his mind was racing, imagining what might be happening right now: Was Heikki nearby? Were security watching him? Would they be trying to pick him up at the worst possible time with the circuit still packed and media everywhere?

Seb couldn't have told you what he said to half the interviewers he spoke to. He smiled his usual reflex smiles and pushed out some lines about luck and racing. By the time he got to Natalie at the end, his head was all over the place. He got some words out, and then raised his hand to brush away some non-existent hair from his face. His hand was trembling. He quickly pulled it back down out of sight, hoping to god that viewers at home hadn't noticed, then dived out of the pen ditching Britta as soon as possible.

 

Mark re-emerged from the side of the building to walk alongside Seb.

“Alright?”

“Hmm.”

“Okay well let's just head back.” Mark sounded serious.

Seb looked at Mark, something was off. He frowned at him.

“Mark?”

“Let's go back now alright?” Mark repeated.

Something was definitely strange in his tone.

“What is it?” questioned Sebastian.

“Not here, okay.”

Seb stopped, he had a very bad feeling. “Why not here? What's going on?”

Mark considered him for moment.

“I've had a call, from Christian...”

“Tell me,” Seb was almost certain he wasn't going to like this.

Mark sighed heavily, this was not the place to do this, why did Sebastian have to be so stubborn?

“They've picked him up; Heikki... they've got him over at security.”

 

Sebastian stood there feeling as though he'd just been struck by lightning. He couldn't say anything.

Mark put a hand on his elbow. “Let's go, come on. We'll just head back.”

Sebastian took a few steps and then stopped.

“No.”

“What?” Mark frowned at him.

“No. I need to go see him,” stated Sebastian. He felt as though his mouth was working on its own.

“You...” Mark was stunned, “you _want_ to see him?”

  
Seb closed his eyes for a moment, “I _have_ to see him. I have to see that he's really here. With my own eyes. I have to know for certain that I wasn't imagining it. I know that sounds insane.”

Mark nodded stiffly, “It's not insane.” He puffed out a breath, “Okay. Yeah alright. Let's go then.”

Mark turned back towards the main Voestalpine Wing, then realised he didn't know where they needed to go. Mark almost laughed.

“Yeah, I have no idea where security's based. Do you?”

Sebastian was pulled back from his worries for a moment, “Umm, no.”

Mark pulled out his phone again. Christian was about to get a surprise.

 

 

  
Mark and Sebastian arrived in a nondescript corridor along from the main bank of screens showing the CCTV feeds from around the circuit. Outside a door stood two burly looking security guards in uniform.

Mark turned to Sebastian. “You're sure about this?”

Sebastian nodded. He wasn't at all sure really, but he knew he had to do this.

Mark knocked on the door.

“Come in,” called Christian's voice.

 

As they entered, Heikki's back was to them as he sat in a chair facing a desk. It turned out, Sebastian realised he would know the back of that head anywhere. Christian was sat opposite him and a professionally solid looking man in a suit stood to the side of him. Presumably this was his office.

Christian nodded at the pair and Heikki turned around to look. He seemed astonished to see Sebastian there.

 

“We're just having a little chat with our guest here, come on in. I think you might be interested,” said Christian in a confident voice.

Heikki recovered himself and said in an aggrieved tone, “you can't hold me here. This is ridiculous. You've got no authority.”

“We're not holding you. You're more than welcome to walk out that door any time you choose to. Herr Steiner here will be pleased to accompany you off site.”

Heikki had no response to that.

“No? Okay then.”

 

Mark and Sebastian stood at the side of the room, leaning up against the wall as there were no more chairs.

 

Christian continued, “I think you're well aware that you shouldn't be here Heikki.”

Heikki merely shrugged.

“There's a restraining order that prevents you from going anywhere near Sebastian. You can't follow him around at races like this.”

“I'm not following him,” asserted Heikki.

“Oh really? Because I think Herr Steiner has some video footage to the contrary,” countered Christian.

 

Heikki went to speak, but Christian held up a hand.

“Heikki, I do hope you're not going to try to pretend that this is a coincidence? That you happened to be here and you weren't aware that Sebastian would be here too?”

Christian raised his eyebrows challengingly.

“You're not going to say that it didn't occur to you that Sebastian; a RedBull Formula One driver, would be at the Formula One Grand Prix at the RedBull Ring?”

Christian's tone was sarcastic, but the anger behind the words were clear.

 

Heikki just shrugged infuriatingly. Mark had to fight the urge to go over and strangle him.

“You've been stalking him,” stated Mark trying to sound calmer than he felt.

Heikki looked right at Sebastian, ignoring Mark.

“You've no proof of that.”

 

Sebastian was working hard not to show any sign that he was intimidated. He thought he'd really quite like to slide his hand into Mark's, but that would tell Heikki that he was afraid of him and he couldn't let him see that.

 

“We don't need proof that you've been anywhere else. We've got plenty of proof that you've been _here._ And that's all we need,” said Christian.

Heikki turned his stare back to Christian.

Christian continued; “Which, I can tell you we will be passing to our lawyers, who you will be hearing from shortly, informing you that you have broken the order banning you from approaching Sebastian...”

Heikki interrupted; “you're not going to prosecute me.” He smiled coldly and looked back over at Seb. “You don't want the publicity.”

 

Mark was torn between the desire to punch Heikki in the face and the thought that he ought to take Seb's hand and get him out of there.

 

“Yes we will.”

Everyone turned to stare at Sebastian.

 

Christian went to speak, but Seb continued; “If that's what it takes, that's what we'll do. It'll just be a harassment case.”

Heikki laughed. “And when I say my piece in court, in front of an eager world media?”

“I'll say you're lying, and you'll look deluded. There's no evidence to back you up. Anyone who knows the truth is on our side,” insisted Seb.

Heikki shook his head disbelievingly. “They'd be the ones who were lying.”

“Mmm,” agreed Christian, “and I can promise you they'll be more than happy to do so. What is truth anyway? It's really just a matter of your point of view...”

 

Heikki sat there for a moment, clearly considering his options.

“I don't believe you. You wouldn't dare.”

“Wouldn't we? Well you can wait for the legal notice to find out,” informed Christian.

Heikki shook his head. “It's all just bits of paper. You can't frighten me with legal jargon.”

“Really?” asked Christian. “Well, seeing as all these legal communications have clearly confused you with long words, let me spell it out for you; You come anywhere near Seb again, contact him in any way, say anything to anyone about all this, and you will regret it.”

“You're threatening me?”

“No, I'm not threatening, I'm promising,” continued Christian, sounding steady. “I'm sure you're well aware of just how big an organisation RedBull is, how involved we are in sports and sponsorship around the world?”

 

Christian raised a questioning eyebrow at Heikki. Getting no response, he carried on;

“You really have no idea how easy it would be for us to place a few calls, speak to a few key people and you'd find yourself without a job, and no prospect of ever working in your field ever again.”

Heikki finally looked alarmed. “You can't do that.”

“I'll think you'll find he can mate,” chipped in Mark.

Heikki glared at him, “why don't you fuck off?”

Mark merely glared back.

“We _can_ do that,” insisted Christian. “It would be only to easy to have you blackballed, and if you think we can't, you're stupider than I thought you were already.”

 

Heikki shook his head, “you can't blackmail me.”

“I'm not blackmailing you. I'm just informing you of what will happen if you do anything that we don't like in the future.” Christian stopped and smiled, “yeah, you know what, actually I think we _are_ blackmailing you.”

 

Heikki looked dumbfounded.

“I think you should listen to him,” advised Mark with another smile. He was almost enjoying this.

“You're all witnesses that he's blackmailing me!” said Heikki sounding desperate.

“And the odds that we'd back you up on that?” adjoined Sebastian.

Heikki whirled to look at him.

“You can shut the fuck up. Look at you, so fucking brave now. You wouldn't be that way if you didn't have your damn bodyguard with you!” spat Heikki viciously.

 

Mark wanted to reach down Heikki's throat and rip his lungs out.

He distracted himself from launching himself at Heikki by thinking of some alternative possibilities; Herr Steiner looked every inch the loyal company man and he clearly had a useful body tucked into that very neat suit and the two security guards standing outside seemed the quietly efficient types. Mark wondered how efficient they'd be at disposing of a body. Very, probably. Lots of empty countryside around here too. That was a nice idea. Maybe too nice. Mark pulled himself back, but he allowed himself to imagine a couple of old hausfraus in here mopping up and tutting at the mess they'd left when he'd torn Heikki into small pieces.

 

“What the fuck are you smiling at?” bit Heikki.

“You. Mouthing off when you know you've already lost. Don't pretend you don't understand how this works, you're stupid, but you're not _that_ stupid. You're done mate. This is how it ends,” replied Mark.

“I think we're finished here,” interceded Christian standing up. “I hope we've made ourselves crystal clear; there will be legal notices on their way to you, but be under no illusions that that is all that is waiting for you if you transgress in anyway. We will be monitoring you very closely in the future Heikki.”

 

Heikki stood up scowling at them all.

“Do you have any questions?” asked Christian.

Heikki reluctantly shook his head.

“Good, then Herr Steiner will escort you away, accompanied by his friends outside.”

“I can find my own way out,” snapped Heikki.

“Well they'll go with you anyway, just to make sure you don't get lost. I'd advise you to be on your best behaviour Heikki, you wouldn't like them when they stop acting like gentlemen.”

 

Mark looked at Christian, impressed by the force in his voice. It was incredibly rare that you saw this side of him. Few outsiders would believe that the affable person they saw on TV was the same man in this room. But you didn't get to be one of the youngest and most successful team principles in Formula One without an inner steel.

There were times it had gone against him, but Mark was very glad of it today.

 

Herr Steiner moved across the room and placed a guiding hand on Heikki's elbow.

“Don't you fucking touch me,” snarled Heikki, but it came out rather higher pitched than he'd intended and Mark laughed.

“Do not make me then,” replied Herr Steiner, sounding satisfyingly like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

The pair made their way to the door, passing Mark and Sebastian. As he got close, Heikki tried stepping closer into Sebastian and glowered at him.

“Get the fuck out of here,” growled Mark.

Sebastian mustered all his strength and looked Heikki directly in the eye.

“I'm never going to see you again, and I can't tell you how glad I am to say that.”

Seb kept his face as unemotional as he could. “You lose. Goodbye Heikki.”

 

Herr Steiner placed a hand on Heikki's back and propelled him out of the door, which shut behind them.

 

There was silence in the room for a moment and then Christian puffed out a long breath.

“You okay Seb?” he asked.

Sebastian nodded tightly. Now that Heikki was gone he felt the adrenaline sap away.

“I don't know how I did that,” he said shakily.

“You were bloody brilliant,” grinned Mark.

Seb let out a trembling breath, “yeah?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Mark. He'd not been sure Seb had it in him to confront Heikki like that, but he wasn't about to tell him that.

Sebastian felt dizzy.

“I think I need some water,” he said quietly.

Mark looked concerned. “Why don't you sit down?” He guided Seb to take the seat that only a minute before had been Heikki's.

“I'll go find some,” said Christian and left the room.

 

Mark ducked down by Sebastian's side, placing a hand on his arm and looking at him carefully.

“Are you gonna be alright?” he asked.

Seb swallowed and nodded.

“Okay,” said Mark and smiled at him. “You did fantastic Seb.”

He put his hand in Seb's and squeezed it, he could feel it trembling.

“Do think he could tell I was scared?” questioned Sebastian.

Mark shook his head, “No. I think he was too scared himself. You were as tough as nails mate.”

Seb gave a shaky laugh, “I didn't feel it.”

Mark smiled at him, marveling again at how good Sebastian was at playing a role when it was required.

“Yeah, but you were. You're stronger than you know.” Mark said gently.

He raised himself up a little and pulled Seb into a hug. He could feel how fast Sebastian's heart was beating.

 

There was a polite cough behind them.

“I umm, found some water,” said Christian coming into the room and offering out a couple of bottles.

 

Christian pulled the chair out from behind the desk and offered it to Mark whilst he perched on the edge of the desk.

“Well I hope that works,” he commented in a far lighter tone than he'd used earlier.

Mark smiled at him. “You were pretty intimating to be fair, mate.”

Christian returned his smile, “Good.” He looked at Sebastian. “Just so you know Seb, I meant what I said about keeping a close eye on him, just in case.”

Seb nodded. He sipped at the water, starting to feel a little more solid again.

 

Christian looked at Sebastian, “did you mean what you said about taking it to prosecution, if he doesn't behave?”

Sebastian gave a tiny half smile, “umm, no. Actually he's right, the publicity would be awful. I don't think could do that really.”

Christian smiled. “Remind me to never play you at poker Seb.”

“Anyway, we wont need that will we?” checked Mark.

“No. I meant what I said; I'm quite prepared to use whatever influence we have to screw him and I'll remind him of that if necessary.”

Christian looked at the pair of them and gave a small laugh, “what's the point of being part of a hugely rich and sprawling organisation if you can't use your power for good sometimes?”

 

Mark raised his eyebrows, amused at Christian. “Quite.”

Seb looked at Christian. “Thank you.” He didn't know what else to say.

Christian shook his head. “My pleasure Seb. I've been wanting to do that for quite some time. I can't tell you how well I'm going to sleep tonight knowing we've put that thug in his place.”

He snorted a small laugh. “Actually I was quite tempted to tell our friend Herr Steiner to escort Heikki all the way to the top of one of these lovely mountains around here and drop him off the side, but I restrained myself.”

“Shame,” commented Mark.

“Mmm,” agreed Christian. “Anyway. We're done here. The footage will be sent to our lawyers and all that will be sorted out. I'll let you know.”

Sebastian nodded, “okay then.”

Mark looked at Seb, “are we good to go?”

Seb looked at his boss hopefully.

“Go,” consented Christian.

 

There were, in truth, a few more obligations that Sebastian ought to fulfil for the team and a debrief due to start in half an hour, but he thought Seb had been through more than enough this weekend, he'd make his excuses for him and no one would question Christian about it.

“Thanks,” Seb replied already getting up. He couldn't wait to get out of here.

 

Christian stood up to join them. Mark shook his hand and Seb copied him, Christian gave a smile and put his other arm around Sebastian to hug him.

The pair walked out of the room and down the corridor. Mark slung his arm over Seb's shoulders as they walked. He really didn't care who saw them in here.

 

Christian watched them go.

 

He turned back into the room and rescued Mark's unopened bottle of water. He took a deep swig, then sat down smiling to himself:

No one would believe the things that happened behind the scenes. He could go out there and tell the world what had really gone on this weekend and what he saw going on with Mark and Seb, and not a soul would believe him.

If he hadn't been there himself, Christian wasn't sure he would believe it either.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will now be a ticker-tape parade! ;)


	19. Changeable Conditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weather may be unpredictable, but there are some things can be completely relied on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter may include some actual, honest to goodness fluff.
> 
>  
> 
> As usual with this fic, this contains aspects that are almost entirely accurate accounts of how things really happened, things I have doubtless got wrong or remembered incorrectly, and stuff that I entirely made up (obviously, right?)  
>  
> 
> I'm an unreliable narrator...  
>  

 

 

By the time they got home from Austria it was late. Really late. It was so late it was early.

 

Mark pulled up to the house and realised, rather worryingly, that he didn't actually remember the drive home from the airport. He'd been on automatic pilot. This weekend had turned out to be rather more stressful than the fun outing Mark had thought it had originally been meant to be.

Not as bad for him as it clearly had been for Sebastian; He'd spent half the flight back asleep and dropped off again the minute they got out of the parking garage at Heathrow.

Mark leant over and prodded him.

 

“Seb.”

Sebastian murmured and pushed Mark's hand away. Mark shook his head and smiled, trying not to think about how cute Seb looked when he was all sleepy.

“ _Seb,_ wake up, we're home.”

“Huh?” Seb mumbled, then sat forward rubbing his hand across his face.

“We're back,” repeated Mark.

“Oh, right.” Seb blinked for a bit and then opened the car door and hauled himself out, letting the cool night air wake him up.

Mark opened up the boot and retrieved their bags, holding out Seb's to him.

“Seb, you gonna take this?” Mark asked.

“Yeah, hang on.”

Sebastian came over and took his case and bag and the pair of them made their way into the house.

 

Mark rolled his eyes as Seb immediately deposited his stuff a foot into the hallway and went straight into the kitchen to find the dogs.

The moment the kitchen door opened, Shadow and Simba leapt up out of their baskets in the corner and Seb grinned, kneeling down in the middle of the floor to greet them.

Mark stood in the doorway watching as the dogs fussed over Sebastian and Seb fussed them right back. Seb almost hugged the pair of them as he attempted to give them equal attention, ruffling their fur and stroking their ears affectionately.

Simba leant in and snuck in a lick of Seb's face.

“Urgh!” groaned Sebastian pulling away a little.

Mark walked into the room laughing through his nose.

“Yeah, you asked for that one, mate.”

Sebastian was tempted to stick his tongue out at Mark, but restrained himself, remembering that he wasn't in fact five years old.

 

Mark regarded the dogs with a mock frown.

“Traitors. You're supposed to be _my_ dogs!”

Seb laughed and pushed the pair away. He pulled himself up using one of the kitchen chairs to the side of him.

The dogs made their way to Mark and brushed themselves up against his legs looking up at him.

“Oh _now_ you remember who's meant to be your master.”

Mark leant down and stroked their heads. “Fickle, _fickle_ , things,” he smiled.

 

Sebastian was leaning up against the kitchen table looking precisely as knackered as he felt.

Mark turned his attention to Seb.

“I think I might grab something to eat. You hungry?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Nah, I'm done in. I'm gonna head up to bed.”

“'kay,” replied Mark.

Seb crossed the room and stopped as he passed Mark.

“Thank you. For this weekend. I couldn't have got through it without you,” Sebastian sounded serious.

Marked looked directly at him. “Yes you could.”

Seb tipped his head to one side slightly, looking at Mark questioningly.

“Yeah.” Mark nodded, “yeah, you could've.” He held Seb's eyes with his own.

Sebastian didn't know what to say, so he just gave a little grateful nod in return and leaned over the dogs still milling at Mark's feet to give him a hug.

  
After a minute Mark let go and Seb left with a brief, “night.”

 

Mark stood still for a moment after Seb had headed upstairs, thinking about how he'd had to fight the urge to kiss Sebastian on the cheek just then. He closed his eyes and let out a very long sigh.

Shadow was nuzzling against his knee. Mark dipped down and stroked his head and Simba moved around to claim the same reward.

“Good boys,” he praised warmly. They were so good at reading people, far better than humans. The dogs had understood right away how Sebastian needed their attention more than Mark did just now.

 

 

 

The following days passed easily. Too easily perhaps. The days seemed to be slipping through Seb's fingers like sand and before they knew it the next race weekend was approaching.

 

At least this one didn't involve trekking around the world to get to it. Silverstone was an easy half hour drive from Mark's house, so no hotels, no airports, no suitcases. It was a wonderful thought.

 

Sebastian had felt great ever since he'd got back from Austria. The relief of knowing that Heikki was no longer a threat to him was immense and he felt as though he slept better and was more alert during the days without the constant worry in the back of his mind weighing down on him.

 

His session with Henry had finally been something he'd enjoyed. It was hard not to sound triumphant when he described the confrontation with Heikki; even though he knew that Christian had done much of the heavy lifting when it came to scaring Heikki off and putting him in his place, Sebastian knew how important it had been that he had faced him down and not crumbled.

Dr. Menton had been stunned by the turn of events and felt a little guilty that he had thought that it had been quite likely that Sebastian had been imagining seeing Heikki when he really had been stalking him.

When Seb recounted what he'd said to Heikki at the end, Henry couldn't help smiling and asking if it was inappropriate to want to high-five a patient.

Seb felt like he was bringing things down by admitting just how scared he'd really been at the time, but Henry insisted that that only proved how much braver he had been to be afraid and do it anyway.

 

Brave. Sebastian wasn't used to being called brave. He wasn't used to thinking it of himself either, but Mark said exactly the same thing and if both Henry and Mark thought it, then maybe Seb could believe it too.

 

 

 

Sebastian went into the British Grand Prix weekend in a different way than he had all year. It wasn't just the ease with which he could drive back and forth from the circuit to Mark's which was a first, it was the feeling within himself. He'd never felt like this before; as if he was finally leaving his messed up past behind him and was moving on.

Arriving on the Thursday coincided with his birthday and Seb reflected that it was as if he was a totally new person to the one he'd been a year ago; now anything was possible.

 

Mark had wanted to do something for his birthday, but Seb insisted that he wanted to concentrate on the race weekend, so he just made them a nice dinner and didn't make too much fuss. He wondered how Sebastian had spent his birthday the previous year. Probably best not to ask, certainly not on the eve of running starting in the build up to the grand prix.

 

“Has the race ever actually fallen on your birthday?” wondered Mark.

“The British Grand Prix?”

“Yeah.”

Seb shook his head, “nope, somehow it always seems to just miss it.”

Mark nodded, “funny that; It's always scheduled around now. Maybe one day it will. That'd be a pretty good day if you won it.”

“Not too much chance of that this weekend I think,” commented Seb.

“You never know,” countered Mark.

“I did win a race once on my birthday actually, but it was way back when I was karting when I was a kid. I must have been about nine I think.”

“Nine?” Mark raised his eyebrows. “You were winning races aged _nine?”_

“It was just karting. It doesn't really count.”

 

Mark shook his head, “I think they're actually _more_ important. They mean so much when it's all new and shiny and you're not, you know, old and cynical like you are at the grand old age of twenty-seven.”

“I feel pretty old,” agreed Sebastian. He sounded like he was joking, but in many ways he wasn't at all; his life had been far too intense for too long for it not to have worn him down.

“You're not old Seb. Bloody hell mate, I'd only just really got started in Formula One at your age.”

 

Mark looked at Sebastian, thinking about how young he had been when he had embarked on his career in F1.

“Don't take this the wrong way Seb, but I think you started too young in this game.”

Seb huffed, “I seem to remember you mentioning it at the time.”

 

 _Kids._ Seb had just been a kid.

 

Mark shook his head, “Yeah, well sorry about that, but actually I think I was kinda right. You _were_ too young. You were just a teenager when you first raced in a grand prix. That's far too young to be thrown into the deep end with all this pressure and expectation.”

“I managed,” argued Sebastian.

“Did you?” queried Mark.

Mark was sure that Sebastian finding himself in situations that he hadn't really been mature enough to handle, was at least partly to blame for how Seb had wound up being so vulnerable to Heikki.

Seb shrugged and looked at the table. Mark felt bad for bringing his mood down on what was meant to be a celebration.

 

“I didn't even start karting until I was fourteen,” Mark commented.

Seb raised his face up. “Really? I was three.”

Mark coughed a laugh. “ _T_ _hree?_ My god, no wonder none of us stood a chance!”

Sebastian smiled, “yeah well I had to wait a few years before I was allowed to compete.”

“And commenced winning _everything_...” completed Mark.

Seb rolled his eyes, “not any more,” he puffed out a breath. “It all seemed so simple back then. You know? It was just for fun.” He shrugged, “it all seems such a long time ago.”

 

Mark thought Sebastian sounded sad. He hated that. Mark scraped his chair along the kitchen floor to move closer to Seb.

 

“Do you still remember what it was like?”

“Hmm?”

“When you won just for fun, when the racing was everything and tomorrow didn't matter?”

Seb shrugged again. “People show pictures of me sometimes, from back then. And I wonder what he'd think of me, that kid.”

Mark leant his shoulder into Seb's.

“Four time World Champion? I think he'd be pretty stoked mate.”

Seb gave a little smile. “Yeah I guess.”

“You guess?” Mark gave him a very firm look.

“Yeah.” Seb sighed, “I really had no idea what I was getting myself into back then. When I was a kid I'd have given anything, _anything,_ to get into F1. I never really thought it would be possible for a person like me.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “I know what you mean there.”

“Hmm, I guess we've more in common than we realised. I mean, I know I got adopted by RedBull and you had to scrap your way in, but, well, we both came from pretty ordinary backgrounds.”

“True.”

“I mean, I came from a small town in Germany and you came from, I dunno, the outback or something...”

 

Mark tipped his head around to see Seb giving him a teasing smile.

“The _outback?_ I'm not sure that near Canberra counts as the outback.”

“The outback's a better story...”

“You've been to our house. Did that look like the outback to you?”

Seb pulled a mocking face. “It _was_ pretty hot. It's Australia. Everything except Sydney, Melbourne and the beaches round the edge, is the outback as far as I'm concerned.”

Mark shook his head. “I think I need to show you more of Australia mate.”

“Really?” smiled Seb. “Great.”

He paused for a beat. “Can you show me the outback?”

Mark elbowed him lightly in the ribs. “I dare you to make that joke to my parents.”

Seb pouted. “Well that's not fair, your parents are really nice.”

“Yeah, I'm very underhand,” admitted Mark.

 

Seb shook his head at Mark again. It was impossible for him to withstand Mark's teasing. He'd always felt that Mark's sense of humour had been somewhat threatening when he was younger, but now he felt included in it. When Mark teased him it was always affectionate and never unkind.

 

Mark scratched at his stubble, “I raced on my birthday once you know.”

“Really, when?”

“August the 27th.”

Seb rolled his eyes. “No you idiot, I mean what year?”

“Oh, umm, not sure. 2006, 2005 maybe. I'm pretty sure it was before you pitched up.”

“Which race? Spa?”

“No, Instanbul.”

“Ah,” paused Sebastian. It was impossible not to immediately think of their less than friendly encounter there a few years back. Seb raised an eyebrow and Mark sent him back a little ironic smile of acknowledgement. It was all a very long time ago.

 

“How did you do?” asked Seb, “in that race?”

“Ha, well not great as I recall, I'm pretty sure I finished outside the points.”

“Oh, sorry,” sympathised Sebastian.

“Nah, don't be sorry. I spent my birthday racing a formula one car, I was already having the best birthday ever.” Mark grinned, “guess it's all too easy to forget how lucky we are, or in my case _was_.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” agreed Seb.

“Anyway, let's hope for a rather better outcome for you this weekend, eh?”

“Yeah. Let's,” agreed Sebastian.

Finishing at least in the points this weekend would be something. Finishing the race at all would be an improvement.

 

 

 

Despite the fact that it was right on his doorstep, Mark had decided to limit himself to just attending the Saturday for qualifying at Silverstone. Sebastian had been a little perplexed, but Mark had dismissed it saying the weekend wasn't about himself, and besides which, he'd be seeing Seb all weekend anyway, the only difference would be that he'd be watching the race on TV at home rather than on the TV in the motorhome.

 

 

Friday had been okay, but not great; plenty of drivers running off track with the high winds. Sebastian found himself floating around fifth/sixth, which wasn't too bad, but in both first and second practice he'd been behind Daniel and that wasn't what he was looking for.

 

Sitting around eating dinner he mulled it over with Mark.

“I know I didn't get everything out of today, I mean I know I made mistakes, so...”

“So all to play for,” finished Mark.

“I just need to tidy up those mistakes.”

Mark smiled. “Easy then.”

Sebastian agreed somewhat sarcastically, “yeah, no problem. For starters hopefully tomorrow I wont have a floor held in place with gaffer tape.”

“Give a mechanic an issue, and if he can't fix it with gaffer tape and a hammer he's not someone you want on your team,” asserted Mark.

 

Seb really laughed at that one. A car that cost millions and it was often the simplest solutions that worked.

 

“Weather's not looking great for the morning,” added Seb.

“Hmm,” agreed Mark.

He'd been keeping a close eye on the forecast and it looked dire for the next day. Mark peered out of the window at the dark clouds on the horizon.

“Speaking of which, if we want to get the dogs out for their walk, we'd better leave clearing up and get it in now.”

  
Sebastian agreed and they headed on out for a brisk walk before the rain appeared.

 

  
They stood on top of the hill looking out to see if they could see Silverstone from there, but the woods blocked the view in that direction.

A few drops came down and then all of a sudden the sky opened.

 

Seb and Mark sprinted back down and along to the house, the dogs keeping pace even without their leads on.

 

They dashed in through the back door shaking themselves off just as the dogs did.

Mark grabbed a tea-towel to dry the dogs off and chucked another at Seb; Getting drenched the night before quali wasn't a bright idea.

He looked out of the window into the garden; it was really coming down now. Tomorrow was going to be interesting.

 

 

 

The following morning Mark and Sebastian were stood sheltering from the rain under the edge of the Silverstone Wing roof, up on the top level outside overlooking Club. Mark pointed down at the corner where it turned into the International Straight.

“So there, just _there_ , that's where everyone's been pushing it too hard and I guarantee you someone's gonna come unstuck at that spot today, especially in this weather,” explained Mark. He'd noticed whilst watching free practice on TV the day before.

“My money's on Kvyat,” commented Sebastian.

“Yeah well, just as long as it's not you,” added Mark.

“It wont be, okay. Have a little faith,” smiled Seb.

“I've got plenty of faith in you,” confirmed Mark, sounding rather more serious than he'd intended to.

Seb nodded, “I know.”

He held Mark's gaze for a minute and then shook himself out of it. “I've got to go.”

 

Sebastian dashed downstairs and around to get into the garage.

He stuck his nose out the front. It really was filthy weather. The fans in the grandstand opposite looked hunkered down. He guessed many of them hadn't had a fun time in the campsites last night, but they were here nonetheless. There were always great crowds at Silverstone whatever the weather.

Seb gave them a little wave. He could see a few waving back. None of them seemed to be booing him this year. That was relief. Maybe it was just because they didn't perceive him as a threat to their guys this season, but nevertheless it was nice. He'd never wanted to let on how much the booing had hurt him last year and he never would.

 

Heading back into the garage he got down to business. Today was important. Who knew what the British weather was going to do? He just had to make the most of things and concentrate on getting what speed he could out of the car without overdoing it and lamming the thing into a barrier like others already had this weekend.

 

 

 

By the time he got back to the motorhome for lunch, Sebastian was practically bouncing. He was _top_. Finally he was top of the timesheet for a session for the first time this whole damn year.

He managed to catch Mark as he was heading out from the lounge.

“I'm top!” Seb grinned at him.

Mark laughed at how much Seb sounded like an excitable child.

“Yeah mate I noticed. Well done.”

“I mean, I know the Mercedes didn't really set times in this weather...”

“Doesn't matter,” interrupted Mark. “The game is played by those who turn up. If they didn't bother pushing it they might regret it later.”

“Hmm, yeah. I can't wait for quali now.”

 

Mark smiled and shook his head. He couldn't remember Seb sounding so pleased and keen to go racing all year. It was great.

“Good stuff. Look I've gotta go, sorry, the team have got me doing a signing.”

“Oh?” Seb tried not to sound too disappointed. Mark wasn't there on an official basis this weekend and today was the only day he had him at the track.

“Wont be long. I should get back in plenty of time before quali, okay?”

“Yeah, okay, sure.”

Seb looked at the people milling around in the RedBull motorhome; none of them seemed to be paying them too much attention.

“Mark, will you come and watch qualifying from the garage?”

Mark smiled. “Sure, no problem. I'll see you in a bit, alright?”

  
Seb nodded and watched as Mark walked away to do his duty. He tried not to show how happy he was and instead treated himself to a coffee and sat around for a while, watching the world go by.

He even caught Dan's eye as he went past and had a little chat with him rather than disappearing off to his room as Seb usually did these days. Dan was a good guy. Seb was glad he was his team-mate if he couldn't have Mark. Five minutes in his company and you couldn't help echoing his broad smiles and feeling a little lighter about life in general.

 

 

 

Seb sat in the car waiting for the off in Q1. The weather was still terrible, but it couldn't quite make it's mind up. Sebastian had a feeling that all hell was about to break loose in qualifying.

He looked over at Mark who gave him a little encouraging smile, but kept his distance. Seb didn't need telling what to do out there; He had to find out as quickly as possible what the track conditions were like, work out where he could go for it and not freak out when the next time he went round the track it was completely different again. He slowly pulled out of the garage into the pitlane and gave a little prayer to the racing gods that they be kind to him today and make his car behave itself for once.

 

Mark watched the screens in agony as Seb barely scraped into Q2, but Daniel was hardly any better and the Williams and Ferraris had screwed up completely and were humiliatingly knocked out. He tried not to focus too much attention on Sebastian as he came in and out for the requisite tyre changes and concentrated on the timing screens above him, obsessively watching the seconds tick by.

'Changeable' didn't begin to cover the craziness of the weather conditions out on track; As soon as the rain stopped, the wind started rapidly drying up the track, but then the minute that happened it could rain again. It was almost impossible to judge, and a move that a few laps ago could have netted you the top spot might land you in the gravel, or the grass, or worst of all a barrier, and rather than bringing your car back around to the finishing line, a marshal would be sweeping bits of it into a bin-bag.

 

Mark watched as Sebastian was hauled in for a rapid change onto slicks and then breathed a sigh of relief as he slotted himself into third, comfortably reaching the last part of qualifying for once.

He barely had time to relax though, as Q3 kicked off and it seemed nobody had a proper read on the weather. Mark balled his hands up into fists as he watched Seb make a mistake in his first run and word went around the garage that more rain was setting in. _Damn, damn, damn_.

 

Daniel had a decent fourth place and rather than risk the car in this weather, the team pulled him out, but Sebastian had no time set and currently languished in tenth.

Mark managed to catch his eye as he came back into the garage briefly. He wanted to run over there and tell Seb not to give up, to throw everything at that last chance run where he had nothing to lose. But he couldn't do that, so Mark tried to show it in his expression as he looked directly at Sebastian. Whether he'd understood or not, Mark had no idea, but Seb had pulled his visor down decisively and roared out of the garage.

 

Minutes to go. _God,_ _this was torture_ _._

A part of Mark missed the thrill of qualifying; Everything thrown at one toss of the dice; that final run as the seconds ran out, one last go with _everything_ you had, knowing everyone else out there was doing the same and feeling like you were more alive than you had ever been in your life before.

 

'Come on Seb, come on!' he thought furiously.

 

Daniel was still clambering out of the car beside him and Mark took a moment to pat him on the back encouragingly. He was a good kid. It really was nice to see a fellow Aussie in his old spot doing so well this year.

 

Looking up at the screen again, Mark could hear through his headphones the chaos unfolding; Just as everyone had thought: the early parts of the circuit were dreadful, but as the commentator bellowed out from the TV, all of a sudden the very last part of the track was drying again and out of _nowhere_ drivers were gaining a full second on each of the last four corners.

Anyone who'd called it a day thinking they were safe, suddenly realised that they'd made a horrible mistake, and for those drivers still out on track, Christmas had come early.

 

Mark had hold himself back from jumping up as Seb rounded the last corner, sensibly avoiding the very outer part of Club and keeping the car off the fatally damp astroturf, and banged in right at the top of the timesheet.

First! _Wow._ But the Mercedes hadn't yet finished their laps and Mark wasn't massively surprised to see Rosberg usurp Seb's time at the top. He waited for Lewis to come around but there was no sign. Mark stared in astonishment as Hamilton's car failed to appear and then looked at the screen as it showed him pulling up in Parc Ferme and getting out. What the hell? Why on earth hadn't Lewis set a time? Had he gone off? It didn't make sense.

Mark shook it off, he didn't really care what Lewis had done. Sebastian had got second place. In appalling conditions and against all the odds he'd not given up and had been rewarded with a front row start for tomorrow.

 

Mark couldn't wipe the smile off his face and he didn't care who in the garage saw it. He waited for Seb to appear and then nearly smacked himself in the face as he remembered that as one of the top three, Seb now had media commitments to pose for photographs and take part in the post-qualifying press conference.

It felt like it had been a while since that had happened.

 

Mark stuck around for a bit, chatting with his old team and gave Daniel a consoling hug. He was down in eighth now as a result of the team's miscalculation. Mark shook his head, it was only because Seb had actually made a mistake in that first run that he'd still been out there.

Racing was strange sometimes.

 

 

As Mark made his way back to the motorhome to wait for Seb, he wondered why it was fine for him to hug Daniel in front of everyone, but not Sebastian. Wasn't that a bit silly after all this time? What were they hiding from people? Was it so inconceivable that he and Seb could have reconciled their differences now that he had retired?

Mark was still wondering about it as he made his way in through the throng of people into the Energy Station. It was actually brightening up now. Incredible. Ridiculous unpredictable English summer.

Mark was _still_ thinking about it as he sat about in Seb's room waiting for him to appear so he could congratulate him. He seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of time, but then Mark supposed the media would be all over him and Sebastian might not be in such a hurry to get away when he had a positive result to talk about for once.

 

The door finally opened and Sebastian appeared, looking thoroughly chuffed with himself.

Mark stood up to meet him.

 

“You were right,” dived in Seb.

“Hmm?”

“Club was lethal, I saw half a dozen guys nearly lose it there today.”

“Hah,” snorted Mark. “Who knew you listened to anything I said?”

Seb smiled, “Well most of the track was pretty dangerous today really.”

“Just keep it on the black stuff. Best advice I ever got,” confided Mark.

Seb laughed. “I'll bare that in mind for tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Oh I mean, yeah I didn't even say: Congratulations, that was awesome!”

 

Mark surprised Seb by grabbing him into a bear hug.

 

Seb smiled a little diffidently as Mark let him go, “I nearly screwed it up big time.”

“Nearly's not enough. You kept on pushing.”

Mark puffed out an ironic little breath, “which is more than can be said for some.”

Seb gave a shake of his head, “yeah I just saw Lewis in the pen and he's completely destroyed.”

“Yeah well, it was his call, he's only himself to blame.”

“I know,” acknowledged Sebastian. “I guess that's why he's so upset.”

“Hmm, well, let Lewis worry about himself. In the meantime, second eh? Not too shabby.”

“Yeah.” Seb nodded his head. “Feels pretty good. Not sure how things'll shake down in the race. Might depend on the weather again.”

“Yeah well there's nothing you can do about that, so we'll worry about that tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Listen Mark I could do with grabbing a shower and then the team want to go over more more stuff ready for the race. So I don't know if you want to shoot off or if you want to hang around and wait?”

“I can wait. I'll go get a coffee downstairs and see who's about.”

  
Seb nodded and Mark left him to it. Sebastian couldn't help smiling at himself in the mirror as he entered the little bathroom. He hadn't felt this good in ages.

 

 

 

It was a couple of hours before Sebastian returned to his room to find Mark had let himself back in and was lying on the bed watching the tennis on his television.

“Make yourself at home why don't you?” greeted Sebastian.

Mark sat up.

“You took your time.”

“Yeah, sorry. I did warn you it might be a while. I wouldn't have been offended if you'd left me to it and gone home.”

“Nah, no worries, I don't really mind. I wouldn't have been doing anything anyway. I've kept myself busy.”

Sebastian looked up at the screen. “Who won?”

"Kvitová. Bit of a walkover actually. Should be a better match for the men's tomorrow: Djokovic/Federer. That ought to be worth a watch.”

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at Mark. “You aren't going to watching the Wimbledon final during the race tomorrow?”

He was pretty sure Mark was joking, but he was so good at dead-panning.

Mark laughed; “Course not. _Jeez,_ you're so easy to wind up! As if I'd miss watching the race?”

Mark shook his head, smiling at how much fun it was to tease Sebastian.

 

Seb pretended to glare at Mark for a moment before relenting and smiling back.

“You're sure you don't want to come tomorrow?”

 

Mark looked at him wondering whether Seb really was asking him to come.

“You know the garage will be chock full of guests and if I'm watching on TV up here I might as well be at home watching on TV there.”

“I guess,” conceded Sebastian.

 

Mark patted the bed next to him, indicating that Sebastian should sit down. He looked carefully at Seb.

“You don't need me here mate, alright. You did great today. You've got this.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark. “Besides, you know I'm your racing curse.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. He'd heard this one doing the rounds.

“That's ridiculous Mark.”

“I know,” acknowledged Mark. “It's not about bad luck. It's just that I'm sabotaging your car before the race each time I'm here...”

Sebastian pulled a face at him. “Idiot.”

Mark grinned. “Yeah. You know I think some people actually believe it though.”

“Crazy people.”

“Yeah, well there's plenty of them. They like to tweet me about it.”

“Do they? Well that's nice.” Seb huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes. This was one of the many reasons he wasn't on Twitter.

 

Mark gave Seb a push with his arm. “You don't need me here tomorrow Seb. I'll be at home, watching with the dogs.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. They'll be giving you their full support.”

Seb smiled again, “I'll feel all the better for knowing that.” It was almost a joke, but it actually wasn't.

“Good. Well why don't we go home and see if they've chewed the sofa while we've been gone?”

“Yeah alright.”

 

Sebastian gathered his things into his bag and the pair made their way out. They got all the way downstairs before Mark stopped.

“Oh I forgot my coat.”

He turned and sprinted back up to the room.

  
Seb looked out of the window. It was a clear blue sky now. Typical. Surely nowhere in the world had such crazy weather as England? It was almost as if it wasn't the same season it had been earlier on.

 

Mark reappeared clutching his coat and they headed on out into the paddock.

 

 

Half-way along, Mark stopped again.

Seb halted a couple of steps ahead and turned back to look at Mark. “Did you forget something else?”

Mark frowned, “Yeah, I just need to pop back to the garage...”

Sebastian looked at him curiously. “The garage?”

“Yeah, I just need to loosen a few bolts, tip some sugar into your fuel tank...”

 

A broad smile broke across Mark's face and he started laughing as Seb tried quite hard not to laugh back at him.

“You're not funny.”

Seb aimed a shove at him and missed as Mark stepped out of the way.

“I'm pretty funny.”

Seb rolled his eyes, utterly failing to hide a smile.

“Not at all funny.”

He started striding off towards the paddock gate.

Mark caught up with him. He wanted to link his arm into Sebastian's and he wondered once again why he couldn't do that out in public.

Mark looked over at Seb to check he hadn't really wound him up, but Sebastian was smiling at him.

“You should just give up racing and take up stand-up.”

Mark smiled, “I'll think about it.”

 

They made their way out to the car, Mark thought things could hardly have gone much better today. Second was way higher than he'd thought the RedBull could get around here and Seb had finally had got the rub of the green where Ricciardo crucially hadn't. Now they could forget about racing and just have dinner, make the most of the improved weather and take the dogs out for a nice long walk. Tomorrow could take care of itself.

 

 

 

 

Race day dawned cool, but dry. Seb thought how great it was to wake up in his own bed and be able to have breakfast in the kitchen at home. There was even time to take the dogs out for an early walk with Mark and run over a few of Seb's concerns for the day as they went.

 

Mark stood on the doorstep as Sebastian made to leave for the race.

Seb patted the dogs goodbye.

“You'll be watching then?” Sebastian knew it was a redundant question, but he wanted to hear it anyway.

“ _Of course_ I'll be watching Seb,” insisted Mark.

“I've really no idea how today's going to go,” admitted Sebastian.

“Yeah, well that's half the fun. Nobody knows what's going to happen. You give your all and rely on the team and hope to god the car's on your side today. Most of it's in your hands, the rest of it you can't control, so there's no point worrying about it.”

 

Seb nodded.

“I will give my all.”

He patted the dogs at their feet.

“I'll try to make sure I put on a good show for you guys.”

“Well good,” smiled Mark, “cos you know I'm giving up watching the Wimbledon final for this.”

Seb gave him a look, then placed a hand over his heart. “I'm honoured,” he replied with faux seriousness.

“You should be,” agreed Mark mischievously.

“Okay, well, I'd better get going. I don't know what the traffic is going to be like.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb a hug goodbye.

“See you later.”

“Yeah.” Seb made his way over to his car, pausing before getting in. “Wish me luck?” he called.

“Good luck. But you don't need it. You're going to do great today. I can tell,” Mark called back.

  
Sebastian climbed into his car wondering how Mark might be able to tell such a thing, but it felt nice to hear his certainty.

He waved to Mark and the dogs stood in front of the house and set off feeling reasonably confident; p2 on the grid, he could do something from there; Who knew, if the Mercedes hit trouble like they had in Canada maybe he might be in with a shot? He'd give a good go anyway. Mark would be watching. And the dogs too, he thought with a grin. Seb wondered if the dogs had any clue what they were seeing on the television in front of them. Would they know it was him? Sebastian thought if he got the chance he'd wave at the camera, and then he could ask Mark later if the dogs had responded to seeing him. That would be a fun little experiment. Silly. But fun.

 

 

 

Arriving at the circuit, Seb went straight to the garage to check in with the team. Finding everything in hand, he headed off to the motorhome for a bit to relax before the race preparations began in earnest.

 

Sebastian ditched his bag on the floor and flopped down onto the bed, trying to stay as relaxed as possible for as long as possible and not think about the race until he had to.

Something caught his eye on the little table to his side and he realised it was an envelope. Seb frowned and picked it up. It wasn't like the team to leave him notes like this.

 

The envelope had: _'Seb. Open before the race,'_ written on the front in bold handwriting that he recognised instantly.

 

Sebastian sat up and opened it, pulling out the single sheet inside.

He read the note and then folded in back in half, placing it on his knee. He closed his eyes and swallowed, pushing away the lump in his throat. He blinked his eyes a couple of times and then re-opened the note and read it again.

 

It was the bit at the end that really got him:

 

_Always remember why you got into this game, why you love racing._

_If it gets tough, remember the kid you once were; racing go-karts just for the joy of racing and not worrying about what it all meant. Remember what that felt like. Think about how much that kid longed to be where you are now, what it took for you to get here and what it's really worth to you. When you're out on that track today, remember: You're racing for him. You're still the same person inside._

_Never give up._

_I won't give up on you either._

 

 

Seb closed the note again. Second time over it had had just the same effect, his eyes were wet. He wasn't going to cry though. That wasn't the point of the note.

 

Sebastian put the piece of paper back in it's envelope. It hadn't been signed. It didn't need signing to tell him who it was from.

 

 

 

There was a tap on the door and Britta appeared to tell him it was time.

Seb had changed into his racegear. He wished he could keep the note in his pocket for the race. Instead he carefully folded the envelope in half and put it in his jacket pocket. He couldn't take the note with him physically, but it would be with him nonetheless as he climbed into his car. He could close his eyes as he sat on the grid in his snug race-seat, waiting for the start and the note would be with him. He could recall every word.

 

 

 

  
Seb stood in the doorway of the lounge looking over at Mark lounging on the sofa watching the tennis, the dogs settled on the floor in front of him.

“Hello,” Sebastian greeted them.

Mark sat up and the dogs belted round to bury themselves in his legs.

“Hello. I didn't hear you come in,” noted Mark.

“I'm stealthy.”

“Very sneaky of you.”

“Hmm.”

Seb disengaged the dogs from his legs and made his way to the sofa. Mark turned and swung his legs down to make room for him to sit and muted the television.

“Speaking of sneaky...” Sebastian pulled out the envelope from the pocket of the jacket he was carrying.

“Ah,” smiled Mark.

“That was, very...” Seb couldn't think of the right words.

“...sneaky of me?” offered Mark.

“Nice.”

Nice seemed a hopelessly insufficient word to describe the note Mark had left him.

“It was very thoughtful of you.”

 

Seb looked at Mark, he wished he could really express what it meant to him, what Mark meant to him.

Mark shrugged. “I just thought it might be a good time to remind you why you're there.”

“Yeah, well, thank you.”

“No problem.”

 

Sebastian put the envelope back in the jacket pocket and placed the coat over the arm of the sofa. He tucked his legs up on the sofa, turning to lean sideways facing Mark.

“It really was very nice of you.” Seb pushed his knee into Mark's leg for a moment.

Mark gave another half shrug. He smiled and held Seb's gaze for a little too long.

 

"Did you enjoy it? The race I mean,” Mark asked.

Seb nodded. “Yeah, you know what? I did. Maybe not the start...”

Mark gave a slight turn of the head to indicate his understanding that he knew only too well how frustrating it was when the car just wouldn't engage off the line.

“...and I guess something wasn't right with my strategy today, cos you know; fifth from second when Dan got third from eighth, but...”

Mark waited. “But?”

“Racing with Fernando today,” Seb shook his head and smiled, “I honestly can't remember the last time I enjoyed being on track quite as much.”

Mark grinned. “It was awesome, real gladiatorial stuff; wheel to wheel towards Copse, around Brooklands, around half the track.”

 

“Oh so you _were_ watching then?” Seb indicated the silent television still playing out the tennis.

“Well seeing as I _had_ promised,” acknowledged Mark. “And you know these guys insisted.”

“Did they?” asked Sebastian playing along. “Oh hey, I did a thing.”

Mark raised an eyebrow, “A thing?”

Sebastian felt a little embarrassed, “Oh well, umm, I gave them a wave. I wondered if they'd recognize me on TV.”

Mark laughed hard for a few minutes. “You were waving at the dogs?”

Seb cheeks flushed a little pink, “do you think I've finally lost it?”

“Well I would, if they hadn't got up and gone and sat by the telly when you did that.”

Seb widened his eyes. “You're winding me up again?”

“Nope,” Mark shook his head. “I'm actually not. They were really confused when they looked up again and you'd gone.”

Sebastian smiled widely.

 

Mark chose not to confess that he'd uttered a “Hey Seb,” out-loud from the sofa when he'd seen Seb wave. He wondered if he shouldn't be rather offended that Sebastian had been waving to the dogs and not him, but it was too endearing of Seb to do that for Mark to be put out about it.

 

“I'm pretty sure they recognised your voice on the radio too,” added Mark.

“Ah, that.”

 

The media had been pretty keen to talk about the radio calls from Sebastian and Alonso after the race.

“Did it sound really whiny?”

Mark shrugged, “Meh, you were both as bad as each other. We all do it, in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't worry about it.” Mark shook his head. “Can you imagine what the radio would have been like in the old days? Prost and Senna screaming at one another?”

“Nigel moaning,” added Seb.

Mark laughed, “I saw he was there today.”

“Yeah he came and said hello. Always seems strange to see him without the moustache.”

“True. Has this given you chance to hone your Mansell impression then?”

“Hey, my Mansell impression is great,” protested Seb.

“If a little German sounding,” contended Mark.

“Well yours sounds South African,” countered Sebastian.

“South African? Okay, that's _Brummie_ mate.”

Seb pulled a face, “that's not what Christian reckons.”

“Hmmm.” Perhaps not a good time to bring up Christian favouring Sebastian in an argument, thought Mark.

 

“Anyway,” continued Mark bringing the subject back around. “I think he would have approved of today.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I think he might have had flashbacks to fighting Senna that time, at...”

“...Barcelona,” completed Sebastian.

“Yeah, that one.”

Mark thought how good Seb was at remembering F1 history. Some might call it geeky, but Mark thought it was impressive.

“Who won that?” he asked.

“Mansell did,” Seb stated with surety.

“Ah, well there you go. He'd definitely be remembering that race.” Mark smiled, “and you won out today.”

“Lewis won,” corrected Sebastian.

“I meant against Fernando.”

“Oh, well, yes.”

“So that's gotta feel pretty good?”

 

Sebastian had to admit that it did, and that it made it all the sweeter that it was Alonso, who so many people hailed as the finest driver on the grid, that he had beaten.

“And I can tell you Fernando's gonna be pissed off about that one for at least a week,” commented Mark.

 

Seb shrugged. That was just how it went. You fought a battle; there had to be a winner and a loser, there were no draws in F1.

 

“Maybe we could watch that bit again later?” suggested Mark.

Seb was slightly taken aback. “You recorded it?”

“Mark shrugged, “yeah. I thought you might want to watch it back. It's a pretty good race.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Maybe even better if we mute it...”

 

Seb gave him an amused shake of the head. Typical of Mark to suggest that.

“You might be right.”

Mark leaned over a little. “You know I'm kidding.”

“Yeah, I do. Oh hey, speaking of muting.” Seb pointed at the TV, “your match, you missed the it!”

Djokovic was lifting the trophy.

“Oh. Ah well. Never mind. It doesn't matter.”

“I made you miss the end. Ah, _Mark._ Sorry. Was it a good match? What you saw, anyway?”

Mark shrugged, “not bad.”

 

Actually once the racing had finished and he'd turned over, Mark had found they were part-way through a thrilling tennis final between two of the greatest ever players, and he'd really been enjoying watching it, but that wasn't what was important.

 

“Do you wanna put the race on?” asked Mark.

Seb snorted a laugh, “muted or not?”

“Either way. Your call,” offered Mark.

Seb considered for a moment, “maybe later. Why don't we see how far back we can rewind the tennis and watch the end?”

Mark smiled, “yeah?”

Seb nodded.

 

Mark looked at Sebastian for a second, then handed him the remote control. “Okay, you rewind, I'm gonna get a drink. What do you want?

“Just water, thanks.”

“Righto.”

 

Mark returned a few minutes later setting down his cup of tea and passing Seb a bottle of water. He looked at the paused screen.

“What did we get?”

“Half an hour.”

“Not bad.”

“Guess you should have recorded this too.”

“Yeah well, live and learn. Press play then.”

 

Sebastian did, then grabbed the cushion from beside him and stuck it against the back of the sofa, shuffling lower to rest his head on it and settling down to relax.

Within ten minutes he'd dropped off to sleep.

 

Mark reached over and took the bottle of water from Seb's hand and put it on the coffee table. Seb shifted slightly but didn't wake up.

He checked his watch; not even half past six. Mark shook his head. Long, busy day for Seb. Mark wished he could fall asleep quite so easily. He guessed Sebastian must be pretty comfortable, even if he didn't particularly look it. The weather was too warm for the blanket, Seb was okay as he was.

 

Mark missed the end of the tennis again as he watched Sebastian sleep.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we go. Surely from here on in we're just a short step away from it all being rainbows and unicorns and... what? What do you mean I'm far too cruel to allow things to be that simple?
> 
> Oh...


	20. Home Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress of a sort, but it's complicated.

 

The comedown after Silverstone following on the drama at the Austrian Grand Prix left Seb feeling in a very strange place.

He felt as though he'd made significant changes to his life, but in many ways things were just the same. Sebastian knew that he'd made progress, but there were still huge areas of his life that he hadn't tackled at all; He was still living with Mark, even though that had been meant to be a temporary situation. He'd run away from his little house because he'd been afraid of Heikki. Surely that threat had been removed now? Was he still staying with Mark because he was afraid? He didn't think so. He really felt as though he could be confident that Heikki wasn't going to turn up on his doorstep again. So it wasn't that.

Staying for 'a bit' until Sebastian had sorted himself out had turned into six weeks and there had been no discussions between him and Mark about how long he might be staying and whether it might in fact be a permanent arrangement.

 

Mark's house really did feel like home. He loved being there. He loved being with the dogs. He loved being with Mark. Mark was so good to him. He was kind and funny and always put Sebastian first. That was wonderful, but Seb knew that there was also a part of him that was failing to move on, failing to deal with the real issues at stake.

It was comfortable staying with Mark. Maybe too comfortable? Here he didn't have to face anything on his own, he didn't have to confront any of his fears or rely on himself alone, because Mark was always there to protect him and talk him through his concerns.

Mark was a great friend to him. The best he'd ever had. But wasn't it possible that Sebastian was relying on him too much again? What had happened to that much vaunted independence he was supposed to have been asserting? Had that really all gone out of the window the minute Heikki had showed up? Was Sebastian really still that weak?

 

The German Grand Prix was coming up as well. That was technically three home races in a row for Sebastian. Three races in succession when he was in the spotlight and the pressure to succeed was even greater. Surely there ought to be something in the rules forbidding that?

The German Grand Prix really _was_ his home race though. Almost literally so, seeing as Hockenheim was so close to where he had grown up. He'd driven in his first karting races on a track barely a stone's throw from it. And home meant family.

Family. He'd not seen them since Christmas. He'd spoken to them quite a few times, to his parents mostly, but sometimes his sisters and his brother and he quite often got texts from Fabian letting him know how he was was and sending him silly jokes and videos that his classmates were sharing at the time.

Seb spoke to them, but they never really talked. Not about anything substantial. Not about what was real. He let them know he was alright and told them a little of what was going on, but never told them the full truth about how he felt about it.

He'd told them he was living in England to be closer to the factory, but he'd never admitted that he was staying with Mark. He hadn't even told them that he was friends with Mark now. His family had no idea what had happened in his past and Seb didn't think there was any chance he'd ever be able to tell them. They'd be so shocked and disappointed in him.

 

They must be so disappointed with how he was doing this year. They were so used to watching him win and calling him up to congratulate him as he ducked out of parties in the garage or tiredly hung around in airport lounges waiting for another flight. Now when they called it was to commiserate and console and Sebastian always ended up putting on a brave face and telling them he was fine, that he'd sort it out, that he'd get there somehow, and they'd always agree and say that they knew that he would.

Only his mother ever stopped and tried to ask him if he was _really_ alright and she always sounded so concerned it nearly broke Seb entirely and he had to cover the receiver to take a deep breath to force his voice to sound normal as he assured he that he was okay.

Of course he often hadn't been okay at all. When his mother called him after one of his DNF's, he'd had to hang up and pretend that he'd got cut off when he called her back as soon as he'd recovered himself enough to speak to her. It was a good thing he was so used to acting or he'd have never made it through the conversation in one piece.

 

So seeing his parents at the upcoming grand prix was going to be difficult. He was going to have to face them in person rather than over the phone and that would make keeping things from them so much harder.

 

What was he hiding from them, Seb wondered? That doing badly this year bothered him more than he let on? Sure. That was true. But it was much better now than it had been earlier in the year. Perhaps not in terms of his results per se, but how he felt about it. Racing for fifth with Fernando at Silverstone might not be what he was used to in the past, but that was what it was about now. For him, winning that battle, and more to the point, enjoying the fight, was a big deal. Seb wasn't sure his parents would really understand that.

That he was living with Mark? How was he meant to bring that up? How was he meant to explain how things had changed between them? _Why_ things had changed?

Underlying all this was the biggest problem of all; that he'd never come out to his family. They had no idea. It simply wasn't the sort of thing they discussed. His parents were very traditional. Seb couldn't imagine them getting their heads around the knowledge that he was gay. They'd ask him if there was anyone in his life, surely? Seb couldn't tell them about Mark when he didn't know what was going on with that himself, and there was no way on god's earth he was telling them about Heikki or any of the other dark chapters in his past.

It was such a mess. How could he see his parents and try to be happy and normal with all that going on underneath the surface? It was going to be a nightmare.

 

 

 

Sebastian had all these thoughts and worries spinning in his head by the time he arrived at his next session with Dr. Menton.

 

Seb told him a little about the race at the weekend as an introduction, but he kept some things back for himself. He didn't tell him about the note Mark had left him. That felt too private. That was just for him and no one else.

 

He tried to broach the fact that although he was feeling in a much better place these days there were still big things bothering him.

Henry suggested that perhaps the very fact that he had tackled some difficult things lately and succeeded, meant that it added a new level of expectation from himself about dealing with everything else.

 

Seb talked to him about his parents and Henry told him that it was hardly surprising to feel pressure about keeping things from them when he would be seeing them after such a long time when so much had changed in his life.

 

“Do you feel you need to lie to your family?” asked Dr. Menton.

Sebastian frowned. “No. I don't lie to them. I just. I just don't tell them things.”

“Isn't that just a lie of omission?”

 

Sebastian shrugged knowing that was true.

 

“And besides, you just said that you tell them you feel fine when you don't. Isn't that lying to them?”

Seb shrugged again. “I guess. I'm just trying to protect them.”

“Isn't that their job?”

Sebastian looked at Henry. “What do you mean?”

“It's your parents' job to protect you, not the other way around.”

 

Dr. Menton paused for a moment.

“Do you blame them?”

Sebastian looked at Dr. Menton as if he was mad. “Blame my parents? What on earth for?”

“For failing to protect you, when you were younger.”

 

Sebastian felt as though a knife was twisting in his heart. He didn't want to go back over all that. That was the past. It was gone now. He'd moved on.

 

“No. I don't blame them. I did some stupid things. I made bad decisions. It was my choice. I lied to them then, about where I went and what I did.”

“You don't blame them for not realising?” asked Henry.

“No,” asserted Sebastian.

“You don't blame them for pushing you too young?” tried Henry.

 

Seb pulled an annoyed face. “I've told you before; they never pushed me into racing. I wanted it, they only ever supported me. My whole family gave up so much to help me; time, money, holidays, all to give me this amazing chance to get what I wanted.”

 

Sebastian wasn't going to put up with Henry criticizing his family when they'd done so much for him.

“Very well, if that's how you feel, then good. It's good that you appreciate them.”

 

Henry decided to drop the matter when Sebastian was clearly so sensitive about it, but he couldn't help feeling his parents bore some responsibility for letting Sebastian grow up too fast and too exposed to the world at a very young age, even if that had been what he'd wanted at the time.

 

They both sat drinking their tea for a moment before Henry continued.

“Do you want to come out to your family?”

“I guess. I don't know. It's difficult.”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“More so because all this time has elapsed.” Henry noted.

“I suppose,” conceded Sebastian.

“You're concerned that they will react badly, or are you worried that they'll be angry you never told them before?”

 

Seb looked annoyed again. “They wouldn't be angry. You don't know my family, they aren't like that.”

“Okay, so...”

“I guess I'm scared because I don't know how they'll react,” admitted Sebastian.

Dr. Menton tipped his head to one side. “Well there's only one way to find out.”

Sebastian gave an ironic laugh, “well thanks for that.”

“You think that they won't approve?”

Seb spread out his hands. “I have no idea. It's hardly the sort of thing that's discussed in my family.”

“I see.”

“They're very traditional.”

“Does that mean they're necessarily homophobic?”

 

Sebastian looked at Dr. Menton slightly appalled. “They're not like that. They're good people they wouldn't...” he didn't know how to explain it. He couldn't imagine his family having a violent reaction against him coming out, but he couldn't picture how it would actually be either.

“Do you think that you're the problem?”

“What?”

“Well are you ashamed of who you are?”

“No,” insisted Sebastian, in danger of getting cross with Dr. Menton.

“Then it's just the fear of the unknown.”

Sebastian shrugged reluctantly.

“Seb, maybe you're just building this up too much. Rather than thinking about coming out to your whole family en masse, couldn't you talk to one of them, try to get a feel for what they might think?”

“Maybe.” That did sound like a rather less intimidating idea.

“What about your brother?”

Seb snorted, “he's _fifteen_.”

“Okay then, maybe one of your sisters. If you are concerned your parents might have an old fashioned attitude, is it more likely they might have a different approach?”

“Hmm, maybe I guess.” Although it was unlikely either of his sisters would be at the race to see them.

“Well that would be my suggestion Seb; to try to not let it build up as such a big obstacle in your head.”

“Okay, I'll think about it,” granted Seb.

 

Dr. Menton looked at him. “Seb, they're your family. You seem pretty certain that they care a great deal about you and I'm sure that that is true. Do you really believe that would suddenly change because you told them?”

Seb gave a half shrug. “I guess not.”

His family did love him. He was sure of that. Maybe this was more about his fear of confrontation than anything else. Perhaps if he just bit the bullet and did it, it would be okay? That had been true of other things this year. Why couldn't it be true of this?

 

Of course when he'd confronted almost everything else this year he'd had Mark by his side. It was always easier with Mark with him. He made him feel braver, stronger, more capable.

He almost laughed. “Maybe if I could just take Mark with me?”

Henry nodded. “Well couldn't you?”

Seb pulled a face. “Take Mark to my coming out party with my family? Are you kidding?”

“Would that just be too awkward?”

Seb looked at Henry, confused. “Awkward? No. I mean I can't just take Mark with me everywhere I go. I can't always rely on him to be there, otherwise I'll never do anything for myself.”

“Do you feel that you rely on him too much? That Mark is holding you back in some way?”

“What? No, of course not, Mark is fantastic. I love Mark.”

 

Seb slammed his hand over his mouth as if he could push the words back in there.

He looked at Henry slightly in shock. He'd never admitted that before. He wasn't even sure he'd properly admitted it to himself.

 

Henry nodded. He didn't look in the least surprised, which confused Sebastian enough to make him break the silence.

 

“You knew?”

“Well don't take this the wrong way Sebastian, but it is fairly obvious.”

“Oh.”

_Oh..._

_Obvious to who,_ wondered Seb. _To everyone? To Mark?_

 

Henry frowned slightly. It was certainly obvious how close the pair were, and he knew they'd been living together again. Seb had described Mark as a friend, but he'd been assuming for some time now that they were a couple. But reading Seb's face he had to ask.

 

“You're _not_ together?”

“Me and Mark?” asked Seb, still slightly stunned by the idea that Henry might think this. “Umm, no. We're just friends.”

“You've moved back in with him though? I thought that...”

“I've just been staying with him.” Seb stumbled awkwardly, “I have my own room.”

No need to mention that embarrassing spell back at the start.

“I see. Forgive me Seb, I'm afraid I made some assumptions without asking you. The pair of you seem very close.”

 

Seb nodded, looking down. Everything with Mark was so complicated. He knew he cared about him, but...

 

“He doesn't feel the same way?”

Seb shook his head. He could feel tears pricking at his eyes. That was so stupid. He wasn't going to cry.

“Are you sure about that?”

“He just wants to be friends,” Sebastian finally managed.

“He told you this?”

“Yeah. He said we were in danger of getting our wires crossed.”

“You told Mark how you felt about him?”

“I sort of threw myself at him.”

 

Seb picked at the edge of the sofa. It was so mortifying to think about how he'd embarrassed himself like that; pushing his way into Mark's bed and basically flinging himself at him. Seb still remembered what it was like, how warm and comfortable it had been pressing himself into Mark's body, lying with him all night long. It was so potent Seb could close his eyes and be there right now. So many nights it was what he imagined over and over again. But Mark had told him no.

 

“And he rejected you?”

Seb pulled up at that. That wasn't how it had been. That wasn't fair on Mark. He'd been so kind about it, he hadn't made Seb feel bad about it at all. Rejected sounded like such a cold word. Mark wasn't cold.

 

“He just said he was being honest. He was really nice about it.”

Seb swallowed hard. However nice Mark had been it had hurt, it still hurt.

 

Dr. Menton nodded.

'What a shame,' Henry thought. He'd imagined them making such a nice couple; Sebastian clearly thought the world of Mark and he obviously cared a great deal for Seb in return.

 

Henry wasn't sure what to say. “He's a very good friend to you.”

Seb rubbed at his eye. He wasn't crying. He swallowed hard. Okay he was crying just a little bit. He brushed furiously away at his face. He felt as though his heart was breaking. He swallowed again, trying to shut down his emotions before they overwhelmed him completely.

  
“He's the best friend I've ever had. He's amazing. I feel like he saved my life.”

“You're grateful to him.”

Seb frowned. “Of course I'm grateful to him. He saved me. You've no idea. How close I was...”

“I think I understand.”

“No you don't,” argued Seb angrily.

 

Henry had no idea. No idea how bad it had been, how close he'd come to falling off the edge. If Seb hadn't had Mark. If he'd never walked in and found him in that bathroom. If Mark hadn't been there that day when he'd turned up on his doorstep. How close he'd been. How desperate. If Mark hadn't opened his door and taken him in, Seb knew he would have been left with the stark choice of going back to Switzerland and back to Heikki and all the horrors that implied, or not going back and instead taking what at the time seemed the only alternative way out. And if he hadn't done it then, if he'd gone back to Heikki, then for sure it would have been somewhere down the track, because Heikki had slowly been destroying him and Seb knew he couldn't take much more without breaking altogether. Seb would never have been able to let the world see that. He would have ended it, maybe tried to make it look like an accident to spare his family, but he wouldn't have lasted much longer, he was sure of that.

 

Seb took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. That hadn't happened. He should focus on that. Mark _had_ been there. He was always there. He could always rely on Mark. Mark was his friend and that meant _everything_ to him.

 

Henry caught his eye. “Seb I'm sorry if I upset you by pushing you on this. Mark is clearly very significant to you, even if he is just a friend.”

“It's not... he's not _just_ a friend,” insisted Sebastian. “You make that sound like it's not...” he shrugged, he couldn't find the words to express what Mark meant to him, “like it's not a lot. Friends is a _lot._ I've never had a friend like Mark before. I know he'd do anything for me.”

Sebastian was absolutely certain of that.

 

“I didn't mean to make it sound that having Mark as your friend wasn't important. He means a lot to you and it's clear that Mark cares a great deal for you. I don't mean to downplay that, forgive me.”

Seb gave a small nod. No one understood what he and Mark had, what it meant.

“It's a big deal for Mark and I to be friends, especially given our past, and he just forgot all of that and everything changed.”

Henry nodded.

“I'm happy that Mark's my friend. I wouldn't have the life I have now without him. I wouldn't want my life right now without him.”

Seb hadn't quite meant it to come out like that.

 

Dr. Menton looked disquieted by that statement and started to speak before Sebastian cut him off.

“That came out wrong. I mean I just I don't want to think about my life without Mark being my friend. That's all.”

“I see.”

“And I'm happy I have that,” finished Sebastian sounding not terribly happy at all.

“Okay, well that's good then.”

Dr. Menton looked at the time. Their hour was up, but he didn't want to leave Sebastian like this if he was upset.

“Do you want to stay and talk some more about this?”

Seb shook his head. “No it's okay.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah. I should go. It's really okay.”

 

Dr. Menton reluctantly let him go, resolving to revisit this issue at some point, preferably when Sebastian was calmer and Henry could approach the matter more sensitively now that he knew the score.

 

 

Seb walked out of the building into the street and along to his car.

He got in and drove out of the city, into the countryside and pulled off onto a quiet lane where he stopped. There was no one around.

Seb folded his arms across the steering wheel, laid down his head, and finally let go, quietly crying his eyes out.

 

Every time Mark hugged him or held him close, it was like a remembrance of lying with him, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't what he really wanted. But it was what he had and he should be grateful for what that. Mark was his friend and that was incredible. He couldn't lose that. He'd be lost without Mark and there was no chance he was risking it by pushing for something that might never happen.

 

Sebastian sat with his head down for a long while after he stopped crying, just resting and trying to gather himself as thoughts rolled around his head.

Eventually Seb calmed himself down. He opened the car door and sat facing out into the road, grateful that no other traffic seemed to want to come this way in the middle of Wednesday afternoon. There was a bottle of water tucked into the door and Seb pulled it out, he poured a little into his hand and tried splashing his face with it. It wet his t-shirt a bit but that would dry. He felt marginally better and hoped he'd look alright by the time he got home.

Home? It was Mark's place really. Was it his home? Wasn't he just torturing himself staying there when he knew there could be nothing between him and Mark?

He still had the cottage sitting empty on a six month rental contract, but he didn't want to go back there with it's memories of Heikki.

He swung himself back around and shut the car door. Maybe there was another way?

 

 

Sebastian pulled up into the driveway and checked his appearance in the mirror. He looked passably normal. No real sign of the state he'd been in only half an hour ago.

He sighed. That session had been a complete fucking nightmare. All it had done was highlight how little headway he'd really made with his life. For all his renewed confidence he hadn't dealt with the things that really mattered. Well that had to change. He had to learn to deal with them and he had to do it on his own. He had to finally grow up and he couldn't do that with Mark holding his hand all the time.

 

 

 

Sebastian sat at the kitchen table as Mark made dinner, trying to think of a way to bring up the subject of moving out, but he couldn't do it. Mark put a tray into oven and joined him at the table.

 

“You want a cup of tea?” asked Mark.

“No, I'm fine,” answered Seb.

He didn't realise it, but he'd been avoiding eye contact with Mark ever since he'd got back.

“You're very quiet tonight,” noted Mark. That was rarely a good indication of a good therapy session and he was worried. “How did it go today?”

Seb shrugged. Definitely not a good sign.

Mark looked at Seb, a small frown forming on his face.

“Seb, what happened today?”

Mark didn't normally want to pry, but something was wrong and Sebastian was upset, it was only too clear to him.

Seb was about to shrug again when he looked at Mark. He looked so concerned. Seb couldn't just fob him off and let him worry. He owed him honesty.

“Mark, I've been thinking about moving out again.”

 

Mark was stunned. That had come out of the blue. He thought they'd been happy back living together again.

“Oh.” Mark tried not to let emotion show on his face. “Aren't you happy here?”

'Oh god, why did he have to ask that?' thought Seb. He was happy here, of course he was, but it wasn't enough, and it wasn't right.

“It's not that,” insisted Sebastian.

“Then why?” asked Mark. “Is it something Henry said?”

“No,” avoided Seb. “It's just,” he sighed, “this was only meant to be temporary, after what happened at the house, and it's been nearly two months. I mean, I don't think Heikki's coming back, do you?”

There wasn't much Mark could say to that. He certainly didn't want give Seb the idea that he should worry about Heikki turning up again.

“No I'm sure he wont Seb.”

 

He looked at Sebastian, he was right of course, this had been meant to be a temporary solution. He'd been ignoring that because he was so happy to have Seb around all the time.

“I,” Sebastian hesitated, “I'm pretty sure that's true, but, look I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I don't want to go back to living at the house. I'll always be thinking of him being there, I'll never be able to relax.”

Mark looked at him confused, “you don't want to go back there?”

Seb shook his head.

“Okay, so, I'm sorry I don't get it...”

“I could find a new place,” suggested Sebastian.

“You don't need to Seb, you can stay here.”

Mark didn't want to sound desperate, but he wasn't sure if it must be obvious in his voice how much he wanted Sebastian to stay. Should he just tell Seb that he wanted him to stay?

“Mark I know this sounds ungrateful, but I need to move out. I came here because I was scared and it was so kind of you to have me back, but I can't be scared any more, I can't go on living my life like that. If I do that I let him win.”

 

Sebastian looked at Mark hoping that he understood. There was a part of him that wanted to stay here, that never wanted to leave, that wanted to stay by Mark's side all the time, just let him take care of him and know that he was safe and there was nothing he ever had to worry about, but he couldn't hide behind Mark forever.

“Does that make sense?” Seb appealed. “I know it must sound stupid to say I don't want to let him win, but I still don't want to go back to that house.”

“It doesn't sound stupid Seb. It makes perfect sense,” admitted Mark.

Heikki. Damn Heikki. It always came back to him.

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course. You should do what feels right.”

 

Mark wondered again why he couldn't tell Seb that he wanted him to stay. But if Seb was staying here because he had been afraid to stay on his own, what kind of person would that make Mark if he was hoping Seb stayed? Did that mean he _wanted_ Sebastian to still be afraid? Of course he didn't want that.

  
“You're not, I don't know, annoyed with me?” asked Sebastian.

Mark shook his head, “ _annoyed_ with you?”

Seb shrugged, “for coming back and forth, treating this place like a hotel?”

Mark actually laughed, “it's a pretty rubbish hotel where you have to help with the washing up.”

Sebastian smiled awkwardly, “guess so. I'm just, I just thought I should say something. I don't mean right away or anything, I was just gonna start looking.”

“Okay,” concurred Mark.

“I'd be looking for somewhere round here you know? It'd be like it was before,” emphasised Seb. That was what he was holding onto; Things had been okay before; he'd seen Mark all the time even though he wasn't living with him. That wouldn't be so bad.

Mark just nodded. What was there to say? At least Seb would still be close.

 

 

That night Mark lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. Why couldn't he man up and just tell Seb how he felt?

Had part of him been holding out, worrying about how awkward things would be sharing a house if he tried to tell him how he felt and Sebastian told him he didn't feel the same way?

Was he waiting to see if he thought Sebastian was even ready for a relationship after everything that had happened? If that was true then surely Seb moving out was the best thing; it would mean that Sebastian really was moving on. Maybe if Seb got his own place again that would give them the space they needed and Mark might finally have the guts to do something?

And wasn't he being selfish worrying about himself in all this anyway? What kind of monster would he be if the best thing for him was Sebastian remaining permanently scared and relying on Mark to get through things? That was no way to go through life, for either one of them. Seb taking a positive step towards regaining his independence again was important.

Seb was right, it showed he wasn't letting Heikki win and that did matter to Mark as well.

Besides, Seb had said he wouldn't be moving far and it wasn't as though he wouldn't see him. Surely it would be just like it had been before? He could live with that, couldn't he?

 

Mark stared up into the darkness thinking all of these thing, over and over, trying to be rational, but mostly he didn't care about any of that, mostly he just felt like crying at the idea that Seb would be gone and he'd be all alone again.

 

 

 

Seb spent much of the following week researching finding a new place. It was easier concentrating on that than worrying about seeing his parents in Germany. Mark seemed okay, but they didn't really talk about it much. Seb felt awkward and although they seemed fine he found himself holding off talking to Mark about his worries regarding seeing his family at the German Grand Prix. It was like a spiral of discomfort between the two of them and Seb wondered if it wasn't as if he'd moved out already.

 

It wasn't until the night before he left that Seb finally brought up the topic of talking to his parents with Mark as they sat up watching television in the lounge.

Mark felt bad for being negative, but he had to to ask the question; “Seb, don't think I'm not backing you up, but do you think doing this in the middle of a grand prix weekend is the best idea?”

“You think I shouldn't talk to them?”

Mark sighed, “No, Seb, of course you should talk to them about anything you want to, but just don't go pressurising yourself when you've got enough to deal with, okay?”

Seb nodded, “yeah. It's just I haven't seen them in such a long time.”

“They wont recognise you,” smiled Mark.

“Hmm.”

Sebastian wondered if his parents really would see the change in him. When Seb thought back to how he was at Christmas he thought he was almost an entirely different person.

“That was a joke, believe it or not Seb?” tried Mark. Seb was worrying himself again he could tell.

Sebastian granted him a small smile.

Mark wondered whether he shouldn't suggest going along for the weekend, but he couldn't keep doing that all the time and besides Seb's parents would be there, surely they'd be taking up all of Seb's time?

“Look Seb, don't be getting in a stress thinking about what you're going to say to your parents this weekend, alright? Just be glad to see them. I'm sure they'll be glad to see you,” Mark reassured.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark turned properly to look Seb in the eye.

“Promise me you're not going to be worrying about this the whole time?”

Seb nodded. Mark always had such a good read on him.

“Okay then, well just call me if you need to. You know, whenever...”

 

Seb agreed. He wasn't going to stress out about seeing his parents, or what he was or wasn't going to tell them this weekend. Definitely not.

 

 

 

Arriving in Germany should have felt like a homecoming, but it oddly didn't. It even felt strange to speak in his native tongue. Seb was so used to speaking in English with Mark and with the team that he often tended to even think in English these days.

 

Sebastian's parents weren't due to arrive until the Saturday morning. Seb had refocused his anxiety about seeing them by making sure he'd had a haircut before he came and a clean shave that morning so at least his mother wouldn't comment that he looked scruffy as she usually did.

 

Speaking to Mark on the phone the night before, Seb had agreed that he would just concentrate on being pleased to see them and not be too anxious about what he was going to say. That was rather easier said than done of course as Seb kept thinking that not to come clean and tell his parents about who he really was would be cowardly and a failure on his part once again. He lay awake half the night worrying about it, and then worrying about the fact that he really needed to be sleeping, which naturally only kept him awake more.

 

 

By the time Britta knocked on the door of his room in the motorhome the next morning to tell him his family were waiting downstairs, Seb had finally resolved that he was going to listen to Mark's good sense and play it by ear. If he could build up to talking to them on Sunday after the race, maybe that would work?

 

Seb headed down and fixed on his best casual smile ready to greet them when he spotted his little brother stood with his parents. His face almost fell as he realised that there was no chance he was going to be able to come out to his parents with Fabian there.

 

His brother caught sight of Seb approaching and leapt up from the little table they were sat at, hurling himself at Sebastian.

“Seb!” Fabian yelled, carelessly crashing himself into Sebastian's chest.

“Oof, Fabe, when did you get so big?” Seb grinned, hugging him back.

His baby brother wasn't such a baby any more. He ruffled his hair. Fabian always seemed so thrilled to see him, suddenly Sebastian forgot all about his worries for a moment and his smile was genuine for once.

His parents were stood waiting to give him a welcome hug as well and Seb dropped his hold on his brother to offer them slightly more awkward hugs. His father patted him heartily on the back and his mother stole a kiss of his cheek. Sebastian still had the urge to behave like a teenager when she did that and rub it away, embarrassed that she'd do that in public, but he didn't, knowing that would surely be a childish and ungrateful way to behave.

 

They had time for a brief catch-up before he had to start free practice, but Sebastian let his father lead the conversation, joining in to describe the tussle he'd had with Alonso in the previous race. It was hard to stay in an anxious mood when his brother kept animatedly illustrating what the race cars did with his hands in just the same way as drivers did. Seb pointed out once or twice that he knew how the overtake had gone, having had the advantage of being in the car at the time, but it seemed nothing was going to stand in the way of Fabian excitedly explaining it back to him, so he gave up and just watched on amused.

He couldn't help wondering if his brother would have made a good racing driver, but his parents had guided him away from following the same path as him. Seb sometimes wondered why that was, but then Fabian was a bright kid, Sebastian was sure he was going to achieve great things academically in a way he never had.

 

 

Seb had set his family up at the back of the garage to watch third practice, but things hadn't really gone according to plan and over lunch he found himself mumbling about high-fuel runs and unrepresentative times to excuse his uninspiring ninth place. His father naturally backed him up and brushed it aside saying they knew these things didn't really matter in practice.

“All to play for this afternoon then, yes Seb?”

“Yes, of course. I'm sure I'll do better in qualifying,” reassured Sebastian.

 

By that evening Sebastian felt increasingly frustrated that he was spending his whole time with his family excusing his performance and pretending that he wasn't bothered that Daniel had outperformed him yet again in every single session. They'd gone out for a meal and Seb was beginning to feel the strain as his parents were so obviously avoiding the subject. Seb kept trying to bring things around to Fabian, to get him to talk about how things were in school and with his friends and it was a relief to let him jabber on while Sebastian reposed back in his thoughts.

It was fairly early still when he excused himself saying that he was under strict orders to get an early night ahead of the race. Crossing the carpark on his way to his car Seb felt like kicking himself. Every time he saw his family it felt as though he was lying to them; about his performance in the car; about his failures against his team-mate; about his life these days and how different it was. All these things and that was long before you even got close to talking to them about being gay. If he couldn't discuss the rest of his life honestly with them, what hope did he have talking to them about that?

Seb genuinely was tired and in need of his bed. Putting on a front to people was tiring, even more so when it was those who ought to be closest to him because it left him feeling guilty as well.

 

 

  
His family had decided that they'd rather watch the race from the RedBull hospitality area rather than the garage (or rather, his parents had. Fabian had pressed to be allowed into the garage and promised he would behave himself and not get under-foot, but his mother wouldn't hear of it).

Sebastian patted his brother on the shoulder as he got up to leave.

“Sorry Fabe, the voice of authority has spoken. You'll have to watch from in here. At least this place has cake.”

His brother said bye and good luck, only sounding slightly sulky, and Seb made his way out.

 

Just as he made his way down the front steps to the paddock his father caught up with him.

“Everything alright Dad?” Sebastian asked.

“Yes, yes. No problem, just ignore your moody teenage brother, we'll be quite happy watching the race from here.”

“Right, then...” Seb couldn't help feeling he didn't really have time for this. He needed to get down to the garage and prepare for the race.

His father looked at him seriously for a minute.

“I just wanted to say, well your mother and I of course, we know you're doing your best this year Seb. It can't be easy, with this car, and now they've taken away this FRIC business, that must make it all the harder.”

That rather took the wind out of Sebastian. He looked at his father and just nodded.

His father gave him an encouraging smile. “Good luck today then, I'm sure you'll do great.” He gave Seb a pat on the arm.

Sebastian thanked him and walked away trying not to think too much about what his father meant by 'doing his best' and whether that meant for not very much result.

 

 

 

Following the race Sebastian found himself taking his time going through his debrief with the team and then felt guilty that he was neglecting his family who were no doubt waiting for him in the motorhome lounge.

 

Arriving at the RedBull Energy Station Seb found his family just where he'd left them. He sat with them for a while before his mother told Fabian to stop bending his ear and let Sebastian go and have a shower and change.

“I think we let him drink too much coke this afternoon,” joked his father, earning a scowl from Fabian who protested that he wasn't five.

 

Sebastian was only too grateful to use the excuse to get away for a bit.

He couldn't understand it; He'd come fourth, that was pretty good in the circumstances. He'd beaten out his team-mate for once and that ought to feel great. He'd even bested Alonso racing on track again, but somehow it didn't have quite the same effect on him that it had at the previous race.

 

Reaching his room, Seb slumped onto his bed and scrolled through his phone. There was a text from Mark:

 

MARK: 'Great race, well done mate.'

Seb typed out a reply:

SEB: 'Thanks.'

MARK: 'How's things with your family?'

SEB: 'Fine.'

MARK: 'What does fine mean? Have you talked to them?'

SEB: 'No not really. It's weird with Fabian here. I can't do it.'

MARK: 'Seb, don't worry about it. It's not like you get one shot at this, okay?'

 

Seb stared at his phone. He didn't know what to say back. He was about to fire off something about it being okay and he'd see him later when his phone started ringing. It was Mark of course.

 

“Seb, what's up? Come on,” coaxed Mark.

“I'm fine, really,” insisted Sebastian.

“You're a bad liar Seb.”

Seb huffed a humourless laugh, “I'm a _great_ liar.”

“Yeah,” sadly Mark had to agree, Seb was more skilled than anyone he knew at deceiving the world about how he really felt, “but not to me.”

 _Damn,_ thought Seb. Mark had him there. He was silent for a while.

 

“Seb I told you it was no good tying yourself up in knots over talking to your family. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. Can't you just forget about all that and spend a bit of time with them?” inquired Mark. He'd known Seb was going to do this; he couldn't stop himself worrying about everything all at once.

“Yeah,” sighed Sebastian. “I just, I don't know, even if I'm not talking to them about you know, coming out and that, I feel like I'm lying to them all the time, about everything.”

“Can't you just relax and talk about the race Seb? It was a good race. You did fantastic mate, making up places, beating Fernando again.”

“Hmm,” agreed Seb reluctantly. “I even beat Dan for once.”

“Exactly. Good stuff. So why don't you just focus on that and don't think about anything else, eh?”

Seb nodded pointlessly at the phone.

“Seb?”

“Yeah, okay. I know you're right. It's just,” Seb sighed again. “I haven't even told them that I'm staying with you, that we're even friends these days.”

Somehow that seemed one of the most important things that Sebastian wanted to tell his family.

“But they know you're in England?”

“Yeah, but they think still I'm still at the house.”

“Oh. I see. Well, like I say Seb, don't stress about it. Just make the most of spending some time with them while you can, yeah?”

“Yeah. Okay. Look Mark I've got go grab a shower,” said Sebastian.

 

Mark wasn't sure he'd really got through to Seb. He was about to suggest that maybe Seb could drop into conversation that he'd seen something of Mark while living nearby, but he could tell that Sebastian was fobbing him off.

“Seb why don't you go stay with them tonight, come home in the morning?”

“I've got a house viewing booked tomorrow,” excused Sebastian.

 

Mark shook his head, it was no good, there was no point pushing Seb if he was uncomfortable.

“Alright, well, if you're sure. I guess I'll see you later.”

“Much later,” added Sebastian.

“Well I'll still be up.”

“Okay. Gotta go.”

“Alright, I'll see you then. And don't stress yourself out, that's an order,” finished Mark, using what he hoped was a joking tone.

Seb allowed a small smile, “you're ordering me now?”

“On this, yes.”

“Okay then. Bye.”

“Bye then. Say hi to your family for me.”

 

They hung up.

Seb shook his head at Mark, realising what he was suggesting; it would be pretty random if he gave Mark's greetings to his family without explanation of their changed relationship these days. The idea of doing that actually made him give a brief laugh and he headed into the shower so he could sort himself out and head back down to try to follow Mark's injunction.

 

 

 

Sebastian sat on his bed drying off his hair with a towel. He wasn't rushing to go back downstairs. He knew he was procrastinating again but he couldn't help himself.

He was about to go down when there was a knock at the door and his dad was poking his nose into the room.

 

“All decent?” his father Norbert joked.

“Umm, yeah, sure,” answered Sebastian.

“Can I come in then?” asked Norbert.

 

Seb nodded and his father joined him sitting on the bed.

“You're taking your time Seb, everything alright?”

“Yeah, sorry. I was just about to come down,” he justified.

Norbert tipped his head to one side examining Sebastian.

“You're sure you're okay?”

“Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Sorry I was being so slow.”

 

Seb's father nodded, still looking at him closely.

“You did well today, you know. We're very proud of you Seb.”

Sebastian couldn't say anything, he swallowed and nodded. His father sounded so serious.

Norbert shook his head. “You're very quiet this weekend Sebastian. You sure that you're alright?”

“I'm fine,” Sebastian lied for the umpteenth time. He just couldn't help himself.

“You know we understand that you're having a tough time of it this season?” tried his father.

Seb shrugged, “it's just the car this year. I can't make it do what I used to be able to.”

“Seb, we do know, you know? You can't work miracles if the car isn't up to it.”

Sebastian stared at the floor, “but Dan...”

“Your team-mate isn't used to having this car, it's all new to him, you're having to change completely what you've been doing for years.”

 

Seb looked up at his father, he wasn't used to having to seek reassurance from him, only now did he realise how much he needed it.

“You did better than him today, didn't you?” continued Norbert.

“Hmm, yeah I guess. But mostly I haven't.”

“Long way to go yet this year. If it's taking you time to adapt that's no surprise.”

“The press don't seem to think so,” admitted Sebastian.

His father shook his head angrily, “Don't you listen to them. What do they know, hmm?”

 

He dipped his head a little to the side, looking into Sebastian's eyes.

“You've not been letting this get to you have you Seb?”

Sebastian shrugged again. He couldn't bring himself to admit that of course he had.

Norbert leant in a little closer to him.

“Seb you mustn't pay any attention to what anyone else says. They have no idea hard you're working this year.”

“I am trying,” insisted Sebastian.

“Of course you are.”

“It's just it doesn't seem to matter how much I try, it still isn't enough.” Seb was working hard to keep emotion out of his voice.

His father put his arm around him and pulled him in closer.

Seb couldn't look at his father for fear of cracking.

“All anyone can ask of you is that you try your hardest Seb,” said his father softly. “We know you're doing your best.”

Seb gulped. “I just, I don't want to let you down,” his voice caught at the end, he couldn't prevent it.

“Oh _Seb,_ is this what you've been worrying about?”

 

His father tried to get eye contact, but Sebastian was furiously staring at the floor trying to keep himself in check.

Seb just shrugged yet again. He had a terrible lump in his throat.

Norbert sighed. “Don't you know that all you ever have to do to make us happy, is get out of the car _safe_ at the end of a race?”

 

There was silence in the room. Norbert looked over to see tears streaming down Sebastian's face. He hugged him tighter.

“Ah Seb, you silly boy. Why haven't you come and talked to us about all this?”

Seb didn't answer. He couldn't speak. He sniffed and brushed away the tears, trying to stop.

 

“You used to be such a chatty little thing. We couldn't shut you up. It was a relief when you put a helmet on and we got a bit of peace,” Norbert joked lightly.

His father shook his head sadly. “You never talk to us any more Seb, when did that happen, hmm?”

Seb just shrugged yet again, he couldn't remember the last time he really had properly talked to his parents, it was always kept light, polite, distant.

“Seb you mustn't worry about letting us down, you could never let us down. Don't you know how proud we are of you?”

Sebastian didn't know what to say.

 

Norbert shook his head again. “We couldn't _be_ more proud of you. You've achieved so much. Honestly, your mother's so proud of you if we made her an _'I'm Sebastian Vettel's Mother'_   t-shirt she'd never take it off.”

Seb had to give a little smile at the idea of his mum embarrassing him in public everywhere she went.

“You wouldn't believe it Seb, every time we go to the supermarket it takes us twice as long because she's so busy boasting about you to all the mothers of kids you went to school with.”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“I honestly think she drags us there on purpose when we don't even really need anything,” finished his father, giving Seb a little extra hug to emphasise his point.

Sebastian took a deep breath and dried his face with the corner of his sleeve.

 

He did feel better, it was impossible not to with his dad telling him all that. They'd never really told him that before. They'd congratulated him on his successes and told him they were proud of him, sure, but that was easy when he was winning. That things hadn't changed in the slightest now Seb was struggling just hadn't occurred to him.

 

His father let go of Seb to turn to face him.

“So you're having difficult year,” continued Norbert, “you'll get past it. You've just got to hang in there okay?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Come on Seb, don't go getting yourself all upset like this.”

Sebastian nodded again.

Norbert sighed, “you put far too much pressure on yourself.”

“That's what Mark says,” replied Sebastian automatically.

“Hmm? Mark who?” asked Norbert.

“Oh, umm.” Seb hadn't meant to let that slip. “Mark. We're friends now.”

His father looked at him slightly confused.

“Mark Webber,” clarified Sebastian.

His father looked surprised. “You're friends? I thought there was bad blood between you two?”

“Oh that was just racing stuff Dad, it wasn't really important,” explained Seb. Maybe it had seemed important at the time, but now it seemed so insignificant.

“Oh, okay then, if you say so Seb.”

 

Norbert was still slightly thrown back by the revelation, but Sebastian seemed to be mentioning it as a matter of course, so perhaps he'd misread the situation there before. Everyone always said things were difficult between team-mates and Seb had never really talked that much about Mark at the time, perhaps the press had just blown that all out of proportion?

“I guess it's nice that you've got a friend over there. Mark lives in England doesn't he?”

“Yes,” confirmed Sebastian. He tried to push himself to tell his father that he was actually staying with Mark, but words failed him.

“Well that's good.”

“Yeah,” Seb still didn't think he could really get into explaining all that right now.

“Okay, well, why don't we go downstairs, your mother will be thinking I've got lost.”

“Right,” agreed Sebastian, “I'm just gonna throw some water on my face, okay?”

 

His father waited for him to come back out. They made to go downstairs, but Seb stopped in the doorway.

“Dad, don't tell them I got a bit, you know, worked up, will you?” Sebastian pleaded.

Norbert patted his shoulder, “don't worry about it, alright?”

Seb nodded and they headed down.

 

They sat for an hour or so while Seb's mother talked about his sisters and their neighbours and how kids he'd grown up with were doing and his brother told him about a school project he was working on. They didn't talk about racing.

Sebastian was pretty sure he saw his father shoot his mother a telling look, and when they both got up to get refills for their drinks they took rather too long over it and Seb was fairly certain that his father was filling her in on their conversation, but he couldn't be annoyed with him for it when his mum sat back down and casually patted his arm that was resting on the table and then left her hand there.

 

When it got to nearly six, Britta swung by to say that people would be heading to the airport soon. Seb considered going with Mark's suggestion and asking his parents if he could come back with them for the night, but they started getting up and sorting themselves out, saying they ought to head back at get some dinner seeing as Fabian had school in the morning. Sebastian found himself being hugged goodbye and promising to call them soon. His mother hugged for a little longer than was strictly necessary and kissed him on the cheek. Seb didn't want to wipe it away this time.

 

He waved them off and went up to retrieve his bag from his room. It was a relief to know they were proud of him and that they cared so much, but he still couldn't stop himself from worrying about what they would think if they knew more about him. Would they still be as proud? Would his mother still be so thrilled to talk about him in the supermarket to their neighbours?

He knew one thing for sure, there was no way he was going to any more capable of talking to his parents about his sexuality over the phone than he had been in person. He grabbed up his bag and headed down. At least he'd told his dad that he was friends with Mark now, he was bound to mention it to his mum, so that was something. One thing at least that he didn't have to feel he was hiding from them. One thing he'd managed to say was better than nothing.

 

 

 

 

Seb arrived back, dumped his bags in the hallway and went into the lounge expecting to find Mark there, but there was no sign. It wasn't yet ten o'clock, surely he wouldn't have gone to bed? Sebastian thought about going to look for him but he was too tired. He walked as far as the end of the sofa and flopped bodily down onto it.

A voice floated over from the doorway.

“That bad huh?”

Seb mumbled something, but as he was lying face-first it got lost in the sofa seat-cushion.

Mark made his way over to the sofa. He tapped Sebastian's leg.

“Shift up.”

Sebastian reluctantly swivelled himself around and pulled himself up into a sitting position so Mark could sit down next to him.

 

“So, did you manage just to spend a bit of time with your family without worrying yourself into an early grave?” asked Mark.

Seb gave a half-shrug. “Kinda.”

“What does 'kinda' mean?”

“I did manage to talk to my dad a bit,” offered Sebastian.

“Yeah?”

“Mmm, just about how it's going this year really. I couldn't talk to him about the rest, you know.”

“Well that's something isn't it?” suggested Mark.

“Yeah. I just I don't know how I'm ever going to ever tell them,” admitted Sebastian.

“Seb I can't help feeling you're building this up to being more than it needs to be. Do you really think they're going to react that badly?”

Seb shrugged helplessly. “It's okay for you, your parents are just so good about it. They're so laid back. Nothing seems to bother them.”

Mark couldn't deny that was true.

 

“Mine are, well they're very traditional you know?” Seb continued.

Mark shook his head.

“Traditional?”

“Yeah.”

Mark frowned, “Seb I've met your parents. They seemed okay to me. You make them sound like Dickens characters. I don't remember your dad wearing a stovepipe hat or anything.”

“A what?” asked Sebastian, confused.

“Never mind. Look, your parents are your parents. They love you, right?”

Seb shrugged. Of course his parents loved him.

 

Mark fixed him with one his unavoidably firm looks.

“Seb, I bet you all the money I have, against all the money you have, that your parents only really care that you're happy.”

“You think? I mean my dad did say something like that about my racing this year.”

“Well there you go, see?”

“Yeah, maybe you're right,” conceded Sebastian.

Mark smiled. “Yeah well I'd better be right, because I'm pretty certain that you earn considerably more than me, and if I'm wrong and I lose this bet, I'm gonna have to come and live in your garden.”

 

Seb stopped resisting and returned Mark's smile. “Yeah okay.” Then he frowned a little, “My garden?”

“Yeah, your garden of your new house. When you get it that is. Perhaps we should hurry that up so I don't end up living in the street?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “You gonna help me look then?”

“Find myself a nice garden to kip in? Yeah I can help. You want me to come check out that place with you tomorrow?”

“If you're free?”

“Sure.”

Seb smiled, “thanks, I'd like that.”

“No problem.”

 

Sebastian sat back into the sofa cushions and leant his head to the side towards Mark.

“I wouldn't make you sleep in the garden,” Seb declared.

“Hmm?”

“If you lose the bet; I'd let you sleep in the house, maybe the kitchen...” Seb snuck a sly grin at Mark.

“Really?” responded Mark with pretend gratitude. “That's very good of you mate.”

Seb pushed his shoulder into Mark's and smiled at him.

“Yeah, well, what are friends for?”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We will now all line up to take turns clanging Dr. Menton in the head with a frying pan for failing to ask the most important question of all; which is *when* did Seb have that conversation with Mark about being just friends?


	21. Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost as long as the summer break itself

 

 

Seb returned from Hungary wanting the summer break more than he ever had before.

 

The race hadn't gone well; The weekend had started positively and a second place start on the grid had been so promising (and importantly for Sebastian he'd been outdoing his team-mate), but it had all gone to hell in the actual race as rain and safety cars seemed to conspire against him and then he made an error turning into the pit-straight and spun, glancing the pitwall. His skill behind the wheel ensured he saved the car, but any chance he'd had of challenging for the win or even a podium, was done for, and Sebastian was left hanging on to take seventh place.

This disappointment was compounded by Daniel having an almost entire reversal of fortunes; winning the race in the face of all expectation of another Mercedes walkover. Seb was left plastering on a smile for the team photo and using all of his acting skills to appear positive in interviews when yet another person helpfully pointed out to him that this constituted the ninth time in eleven races that he had been beaten by his team-mate. Sebastian knew he was running out of excuses and it was getting harder and harder not to resent Dan's success.

 

Seb sat on the phone to Mark in his room after he'd changed out of his race-gear, talking it over despite the fact that he would be back in a few hours. When Sebastian said he was starting to finally understand what it had been like for Mark and why he'd stopped appearing in those celebratory team shots, Mark had to restrain himself from pointing out that it was rather different for Seb with four world championships in his pocket. He might mention it later, but right after the race when Seb needed putting back together again wasn't the time. Mark was just grateful that Sebastian was okay after the spin that had left Mark with his heart in his mouth and the realisation that the chances of him ever being able to properly relax and simply enjoy watching a race were slim to none.

 

 

By the time he got home Seb was exhausted. Back-to-back races were always a strain on the system, but after working himself up into such a state in Germany, Hungary had come far too soon. Seb wanted to sleep for a week, but he couldn't do that. He'd lined up a succession of house viewings for immediately after he got back and spent the next two days traipsing round the nearby countryside. It didn't leave Seb time to think and that was precisely the point; he didn't want to think right now, thinking just meant worrying and letting thoughts of his past creep in and making himself unhappy. Seb was sick of it, so he'd keep himself busy enough that he had no time to think at all.

 

It was mid Tuesday afternoon when Mark got a phone-call from Sebastian asking him if he'd come and take a look at a place he was considering.

Mark arrived at a modern-looking house no more than half a dozen miles from his place, set in the countryside beyond the next village. It was the estate agent who opened the door and for a moment Mark thought he had the wrong address, but Seb appeared moments later to show him around.

 

It looked comfortable enough, although not as charming as the cottage had been, but it had everything you might need, including, Mark noted (although he didn't comment on it), a fairly state of the art security system on the wall of the front hall.

Seb walked him round as the agent hung back in the hallway, and Mark couldn't help being happy to see how keen Sebastian was, even if he didn't want him moving out in the first place.

One modern kitchen looked much the same as another to Mark, but it was fine, as were the bedrooms, although he couldn't think what Seb could possibly do with four of them, but then there were more bedrooms than he could use at his own house, so who was he to comment?

 

As they headed downstairs again Sebastian turned and grinned.

“And now we get to the good bit!”

Mark shook his head, smiling back; after the past weekend anything that put a smile on Seb's face was a good thing.

Sebastian opened a door to the right of the hallway which Mark had initially thought was a closet of some kind, revealing another corridor which he suspected was an extension to the original house.

Sebastian led him down the corridor and showed him a large empty room with a sweep of his arm as if he should be impressed.

Mark raised his eyebrows questioningly. “Umm, yeah, lots of space...”

“It's a gym room Mark!” explained Sebastian as if it should have been obvious. “I can get my things out of storage and set them up in here.”

“Oh I see. Yeah that's cool. I'll have to come round and use it when it's pouring with rain sometime.”

“Which really could be any time here,” smirked Seb.

“True,” conceded Mark. “If it's okay for me to do that, of course.”

“Of course it is. This isn't it though...”

 

Seb looked so pleased with himself that Mark knew Sebastian had been planning this little moment while he'd waited for him to arrive.

“Go on then, you're dying to show me, go ahead...”

Seb went back into the corridor. He opened another door near the end, gesturing at it.

“That's a little changing and shower room, and then...”

He opened a door at the end, stepped through and turned back around to face Mark, positively beaming.

“... it's got a _swimming pool!”_

“Wow! Okay, you win; _now_ I'm impressed.”

 

Mark followed him through to stand by the edge of the pool. It wasn't huge, but large enough, and nicely done:It had a high wooden beamed ceiling and the whole of the left side taken up by french windows letting in lots of light.

“Isn't it amazing?” asked Seb.

“Yeah, it is pretty amazing,” admitted Mark.

He huffed a laugh, most of the time he didn't think about money at all, but this couldn't be coming cheap. It was nice that Sebastian didn't have to worry about that.

 

You couldn't see this part of the house from the front, other than that it looked fairly ordinary, but it wasn't hard to appreciate that this was the bit that sold the place. Not that Seb was buying; this was another rental, but it had to be fairly hot property.

“You can come and use it any time you like. I'll give you a key so you can get in when I'm away,” carried on Sebastian enthusiastically.

Clearly he'd already decided, thought Mark.

“That's great. Really Seb, that'd be very generous of you.”

“Generous? After I've been living at your house for six months? Hardly.”

“Well, anyway, thanks.”

 

Mark didn't even notice the way Sebastian was offering him a key to his house without a second thought.

 

“So you're taking it then?” asked Mark.

“Yeah. I think so. What do you think?” checked Seb.

“Not up to me. You seem to like it, that's all that matters.”

“But you think it's okay?”

“I think it's more than okay. This,” Mark indicated the pool, “is pretty awesome and I'm definitely gonna be taking you up on your offer to use it if you take this place.”

Seb smiled happily. “Great, she seems to think this house'll go fast, so I'd better let her know.”

“They always say that Seb, don't let her rush you,” warned Mark.

“Hmm, yeah I guess, but...”

“Hey if you want it, go for it.”

“Right.” Sebastian stood and thought for a moment. “Yeah. I think I want it.”

 

Mark nodded and moved out of the way as Sebastian walked out decisively to collar the estate agent.

He shook his head and looked around him; a swimming pool, that _was_ pretty impressive, and it would be nice to come and use it.

Mark suddenly had an image in his head of pushing Seb in, which would be mean, but funny. He was definitely going to be doing that, probably quite bit in fact.

 

 

By the end of a whirlwind week Mark was helping Sebastian rearrange his furniture from where the removals men had dumped it and assisting with sorting out putting things in kitchen cupboards and untangling electrical cables so the television worked. Seb made him dinner as a thank you, thinking how much nicer it was doing this together now than when he'd done it on his own last time.

 

The timing was pretty bad, which was part of the reason that Seb had hurried the process through. Mark had warned him over a week ago that he intended to keep a promise he'd made to Fernando almost a year ago that he would go and visit him at his home in Spain. Mark felt bad about leaving Sebastian, but a promise was a promise and for all he wanted to devote his time to Seb, he didn't want to lose touch with his friend either.

 

“Sorry that I'm gonna be leaving you to finish off sorting all this out on your own,” said Mark as they sat drinking coffee after eating.

“No that's okay. I think we've done most of it.”

“I mean I promised Fernando ages ago about this,” justified Mark.

“Of course, no, you should go, have fun,” replied Sebastian.

“Although I can't imagine why you'd want to leave all this behind right now,” added Seb, looking pointedly at the teeming rain outside the window.

Mark smiled, “hmm, a Spanish summer over a British one? No, I can't think what possessed me.”

“I'll be back on Wednesday anyway, so not too long, and then we can work out a new run route,” continued Mark.

“Sure, yeah that'd be good,” agreed Seb.

 

Mark failed to mention that he'd cut the trip down to five days from the original week that had been planned. He couldn't shorten it any further without offending his friend and rendering the journey almost longer than the stay.

“I was thinking, anyway, while you're away,” continued Sebastian, “I thought I might go over to see my family for a couple of days.”

Mark raised his eyebrows, “Really?”

“Yeah, I umm, well, I mean I'm not sure that I'm actually going to be telling them anything, but...”

“Hey just seeing them is good isn't it?” asked Mark, trying to keep things light.

“Yeah I think so,” answered Sebastian. He frowned a little.

“Seb, you don't have to make it about anything serious.”

“Hmm, I know, but I thought I might just try and get a read on them, I don't know, maybe see how things go.”

Mark nodded, he hoped Seb wasn't about to work himself up again, but the last thing he wanted to do was put Sebastian off seeing his family.

“Sure, well, just don't put too much on it, alright?” counselled Mark.

“Yeah, okay.”

“And you can always give me a shout whenever you want to,” added Mark.

“I wont be interrupting?” asked Seb.

“My very important lounging by a pool in the sunshine?” joked Mark. “No Seb, that'll be fine.”

 

Mark did wonder at Sebastian rushing to go see his family again so soon, but he hoped that was a good indication of improved relations with them rather than Seb feeling he needed to achieve what he had failed to the last time he saw them.

 

Seb had largely taken up the suggestion his mother had made when he'd spoken to her so that he didn't have to face his first weekend in his new house without Mark being around. It did feel a little soon, but perhaps that was better, given that he had made some progress with talking to them recently, maybe he could carry that momentum forwards?

 

“Mark, do you mind if I ask you something?”

“Hmm, what?”

Sebastian paused. “How did you, I mean when you told your parents, what did you say? Was it weird?”

Mark laughed. “Weird. Yeah. Definitely. I know you think my parents and I have this all sussed, but I was just as worried as you.”

“Really?” asked Sebastian, surprised. Mark's parents were so relaxed about everything, and Mark so self-confident, he couldn't imagine him having a problem telling them.

“Yeah mate, of course. You know we'd never really talked about it either.”

“Huh? How old were you?”

“Nineteen. It was just before I came to Europe to start racing over here. It kinda felt like it was now or never. Which was rubbish of course, but that's how it felt.”

 

Seb nodded, but it was hard to imagine Mark thinking that way.

“And they were fine about it?” queried Sebastian.

Mark shrugged. “Yeah. I guess I'm lucky. They didn't seem phased at all. I'd thought maybe my dad might have a problem with it, I mean he's always been pretty outdoorsy...”

“ _You're_ outdoorsy,” interrupted Sebastian.

“True,” agreed Mark, “but I guess I didn't think he'd understand me.”

“But it was fine?”

“Yeah. Turns out it wasn't anything like the surprise to them I'd thought it would be.”

Seb raised his eyebrows, “they knew already?”

“Pretty much it seems. Like I say, I know I was lucky; they were only glad that I'd spoken to them finally. They've never been anything other than supportive.”

 

Sebastian nodded. Mark was lucky, but he'd been brave too in coming out to his parents so young. Perhaps if Seb had done it when he'd been younger it wouldn't have built up into such an issue? He shook his head internally; No, it would have been no easier then than it was now.

 

After a few moments Sebastian plucked up the courage to ask Mark something he'd been wondering for a while.

“Does Fernando know? I mean, you don't have to tell me, if it's none of my business...”

Mark shrugged, “it's fine, yeah, he knows.”

“And, umm, you two...” Seb didn't know how to ask this, “I mean you're pretty close aren't you?”

 

Mark looked at him wondering if Sebastian was asking him what he though he was asking him.

“He's a good friend. I don't see that much of him these days, but...”

“Right,” Seb wasn't sure how to ask if that was all their relationship amounted to.

Mark smiled, “are you asking me if it's more than that?”

Seb shrugged awkwardly. “It's none of my business, I know.”

“No, it's okay. Yeah well, strictly between you and me Seb, it turns out I'm not his type.”

Sebastian looked nonplussed.

Mark laughed and clarified; “a little too male.”

“Oh. Right.” Seb felt embarrassed for prying.

“Yeahhhh,” drawled Mark, “that was a pretty unfortunate episode.”

 

Seb looked at him, intrigued, but didn't dare ask.

Mark shook his head; thankfully time eased all wounds.

“Okay, you never get to repeat this story to _anyone_....”

“I wont,” promised Sebastian.

“So, years ago, back when we were just starting out really in F1, we spent a lot of time together and I thought, maybe... I don't know, I thought he liked me, and it turned out he did, only not that way.”

“Oh.”

“Indeed. Yeah, I made quite a fool of myself there and I thought I'd never be able to face him again after that, but he was so good about it.” Mark shook his head with faded embarrassment as he remembered, “he wouldn't let me avoid him. He was so damn decent about the whole thing, he wouldn't allow me feel bad about it, and I guess we just somehow got over it and carried on.”

“That's pretty impressive,” noted Sebastian.

“Yeah, well like I say, he's a good friend. He's a nice guy you know Seb. I'm sure you two should get on.”

“If we weren't racing each other.”

“Hmm, maybe. Guess we might have to wait for one of you to retire before I try to get the two of you together,” suggested Mark.

“Don't take it the wrong way if I say I hope it's him first,” countered Seb.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark, “I think that's reasonable to assume.”

“Even after this year?” asked Sebastian in a sarcastic tone.

Mark rolled his eyes.

Seb looked at him, “I'm kidding Mark.”

“Good. You know I'm gonna get it in the ear from him about the past few races between you two?”

“Hey, you're not going to go giving away inside secrets,” insisted Sebastian, mostly thinking he was joking.

Mark regarded him seriously, “as if I would?”

Seb looked back at him. Mark wouldn't undermine him with his opponent, he did know that. “No, okay. I know you wouldn't.”

“Course not,” confirmed Mark. “I'll just patiently listen to him moaning about you not respecting the track limits and 'Hmmm' in all the right places.”

Sebastian could picture that.

“No need to worry Seb, I wont be taking sides.”

“Hey,” protested Seb, “you're meant to be on _my_ side.”

Mark shook his head. “Course I'm on your side Seb. I just wont emphasise that too much while I'm drinking Fernando's beer, alright?”

“Yeah okay.” That was fair enough. Seb could trust Mark.

 

 

 

  
Arriving in Heppenheim at the family home the next afternoon, Sebastian tried to be pleased rather than disappointed that his sisters were there as well as his parents and Fabian. His mother had clearly seized the chance to effect a little family reunion. Sat facing them all in the lounge, Seb was left feeling as though he was in front of a stewards enquiry as they quizzed him on his life in England.

By teatime he knew there was no hope that he was going to able to use this weekend to come out to his parents, but he had at least managed to slide into conversation that he'd been seeing more of Mark while he was living over there, and even accidentally revealed that he'd stayed with him for a while between moving houses. His father had looked confused when he said he'd moved house again, but Seb had obfuscated the reasons and just said the first place hadn't worked out and Mark had been good enough to put him up whilst he looked for a new place. He thought he might have caught a look passed between his sisters, but he wasn't about to call them on it and leave himself open to further questioning.

 

Seb spent much of the following morning with his brother, sat in his room trying to get to know him a little better. Fabian had been so little when Sebastian left home, it made him sad to think how little time they spent together and how much of his life he'd missed. He wondered whether his parents might allow Fabian to come visit him in England sometime, maybe next summer when he was more settled?

 

His mother made a nice Sunday lunch and seemed pleased that Melanie and Stefanie had stuck around an extra day when they'd initially only come for the Saturday. Sebastian felt a little guilty that he'd been avoiding them for much of the morning. He decided to forget about worrying what he should be saying and try to allow things to flow like a normal person might with their family.

His sister Stefanie kept telling funny stories about the kids that she worked with, and Seb was reminded how small some of problems he had were in comparison the challenges these children and their families faced overcoming their disabilities. It made worrying over a race seem rather petty.

They didn't actually discuss his racing at all, although they did ask Seb what he thought of his new team-mate. Even given his frustratingly outstanding form, Sebastian still couldn't bring himself to dislike Daniel personally, although it was impossible not to laugh when his mother joked that she couldn't help wondering if anyone who smiled that much really had a full grasp of what was going on. When Seb commented that it was true that nothing seemed to phase Dan, his father merely remarked 'give it time', which was true enough from Seb's experience.

  
By the time Seb headed off to the airport he was pleased that he had made the trip, but he still wasn't one hundred percent sure whether to classify the visit as a success or failure. Maybe if he could keep doing this and just failed a little less each time, he might finally get comfortable enough to speak to them about his sexuality. Maybe. It didn't seem imminent to Sebastian right now, but surely there had to come a point when he'd be brave enough to take that leap?

 

 

 

Sebastian felt strange heading back to England knowing that he was returning to his new house, but he'd arranged with Mark that he would dog-sit for a few days and it had been Mark's idea that the dogs actually come stay with Seb.

Walking into Mark's place it was hard to reconcile the idea that this wasn't home any more. The temptation to stay there until Mark came back was almost overwhelming and Seb knew that if he did Mark wouldn't mind, but having only spent the one night in his new place Seb knew that he had to get used to being away. It wouldn't be so bad, he'd have Shadow and Simba for company and then Mark would be back before he knew it and they could sort out how they were going to go about things now that he'd moved out again.

 

 

 

 

Mark sat sipping his glass of wine, looking out at the sunset from the terrace of Fernando's villa in the hills above Oviedo. The view was undeniably impressive, certainly more dramatic than the downs near to Mark's home in England. Fernando came back out of the house after clearing away their plates from dinner. It was certainly nice to be able to sit outside to eat; the pool at the side of the terrace shimmered in the falling light and the walls of the villa still radiated a gentle glow of heat from sun that had beaten down on them all day. It was a very relaxing environment and Mark thought he had better be careful with the red wine he was drinking or before long he might be in danger of falling asleep face first on the table.

 

Fernando poured himself another glass and topped up Mark's without asking.

Mark raised an eyebrow. “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

Fernando smiled wickedly. “It is a good wine, yes?”

“Very good mate, maybe a little too good. At this rate I'll be in no shape for that bike ride tomorrow morning.”

“Ha, perhaps I am seeking an unfair advantage?” joked Fernando.

Mark laughed, he wouldn't actually put it past him; a gentle ride out with Fernando always wound up being a race at some point, and no matter how friendly the company, Fernando would want to win.

Tomorrow was Mark's last full day of his stay before he headed back to what apparently was a distinctly damp and squally England. It had been great to have a break in the sun and catch up with his friend, but Mark was keen to get back home and see how Seb was getting on in his new house.

 

“You certainly have a nice set up here,” commented Mark, changing the subject.

“Yes is very nice here, it is nice to be close to home.”

“It's a beautiful part of the world.”

“I am very lucky.”

“You're glad you moved back here then?” asked Mark.

Fernando smiled, “yes, very glad, although my accountant, he is not so happy.”

Mark nodded in acknowledgement. Most F1 drivers tucked themselves and their money neatly away in tax-havens, Mark and Fernando were rare creatures not taking finances into account when they chose where to make their home.

 

Fernando drank a little of his wine considering whether now was a good time to press Mark on the question he'd been hovering around for the past few days.

“So Sebastian, he has found a new place then?”

“Mmm,” confirmed Mark non-committally.

Fernando was one of the few people Mark had told about Seb staying with him, after he let slip the truth way back when they had been chatting during Mark's visit to Albert Park. Sebastian hadn't been happy about it, but Mark had assured him that Fernando was no gossip and time had shown that to be correct, as he had never so much as mentioned the new friendship between them to Seb when they had come into contact at races, or thought to mention it to anyone else.

 

“He moves in, he moves out, he moves in, he moves out,” noted Fernando, moving his glass back and forth, looking pointedly at Mark.

Mark shook his head, he'd not failed to notice his friend dancing around this issue during his stay.

“He just needed a place to stay, that's all.”

“If you say so,” allowed Fernando with an expansive gesture of the spare hand that wasn't occupied with his glass.

“What?”

“No, you are friends now, that is nice. Although I still do not understand how this changes.”

“I told you, he needed a place to stay in England. All that stuff in the past, well it's in the past. When you leave F1 your perspective on all that, it changes. It did for me anyway.”

 

It was a deliberately vague explanation by Mark and he was well aware that he was treading a fine line between betraying Seb's confidence and lying to Fernando.

 

“Hopefully I will not find that out too soon,” remarked Fernando.

Mark raised his glass as acknowledgement.

“The place he had before was no good?” pushed Fernando.

Mark hid a sigh, Fernando was like a dog with a bone.

“It just didn't work out, that's all.”

“Mmm. And his new house, it is near yours?”

“Not that close, maybe six miles or so.”

Fernando choked a laugh. “I think this is very close.”

Mark just shrugged and took a sip of his wine.

“Perhaps you should build him a house in your garden?” jested Fernando.

 _'Not such a bad idea,_ ' thought Mark, but he didn't respond.

Fernando shook his head, smiling at Mark. “But you are just friends of course?”

“Yes,” replied Mark, giving Fernando a firm look indicating that he should leave the matter alone.

Fernando naturally had no such intention and continued; “Friends?”

“Yes.”

 

Mark was starting to get irritated with Fernando. It was really none of his business.

Fernando laughed, “Mark, you are not fooling me.”

Mark raised a challenging eyebrow.

“Last year you are not friends at all, you barely speak, now you are such friends he stays at your house for half the year?”

“Like I said, things change,” justified Mark, trying not to sound too annoyed.

“Very much it seems.”

Mark shrugged again. “I know what you're getting at, but we're really just friends.”

“For sure. Friends who spend _all_ their time together,”

“Well it'd be pretty strange avoiding one another when we've been sharing a house.”

“And each race that you come to, you spend with him.”

“I've been to see you too,” countered Mark.

Fernando gave a dry laugh, “yes you come to see me, you say hello, you go back to him.”

“I'm not that bad,” frowned Mark.

“No, perhaps if I am lucky, you stay for coffee a while.”

Mark suddenly felt guilty, “I've not meant to be rude. I'm sorry if I've not been a good friend.”

Fernando shook his head, “I am not complaining. It is always nice to see you, but I am not your priority. Is clear.”

Mark couldn't think of a response; that was undeniably true.

 

Fernando looked at Mark, wondering if he really couldn't see it for himself or if he was just avoiding admitting the truth.

“Mark the minute I go inside, you check your phone.” He'd seen Mark pull his phone from his pocket as he'd headed into the kitchen.

“So?”

“You were expecting a message?”

“Not particularly.”

“But you check.”

Fernando raised his eyebrows thinking his point was obvious.

“I was just looking.”

“Uh huh, and you do not leave your phone all weekend.”

Mark felt as though he was being interrogated.

 

“How many times have you spoken to Sebastian since you came here?”

“I don't know, a couple of times maybe.” That didn't seem a lot to Mark.

Fernando laughed out loud, “ _Mark._ **W** **e** are friends, yes? I think we have spoken on the phone perhaps a dozen times this year.”

Mark looked uncomfortable.

“I just wanted to check he was okay.”

Fernando nodded. Mark was such a good guy, he hoped that Sebastian appreciated him.

“And this is because you are _just_ his friend?”

“Yes,” answered Mark, not to be moved.

“Why do you not wish to talk of this? Do you think I will disapprove?” asked Fernando, trying to sound unjudgemental.

“There's nothing going on Fernando, okay?”

“Okay,” acknowledged Fernando with a tip of his head, “but you would like there to be?”

 

 _'Damn,_ '  thought Mark. That was the question, wasn't it?

 

He didn't answer.

 

Fernando shook his head feeling bad for him.

“If you do not wish to tell me what is going on with you two...”

Mark finally cracked. “If I knew myself, I'd tell you.”

Fernando paused, there it was.

“Have you spoken to him about it?” he asked.

“It's not so simple,” protested Mark.

“Why? You like him. He must like you to spend so much time with you?”

Mark put down his drink and sighed. “Mate, it's _really_ not that simple. We _like_ each other now, sure, but...”

“But you are not so sure he feels as you do?”

Mark just shrugged helplessly.

“You cannot ask him?”

“I don't want to put any pressure on him.”

 

Mark shook his head at Fernando, he didn't think there was any way to make him understand without giving away Seb's secrets and he wasn't about to do that.

“I can't explain it mate, it's just, it's really important that we're friends right now.”

“To you or to him?” queried Fernando.

“To both of us.”

Fernando nodded. “And you do not wish to risk this?”

“No. But it's not just that.” He paused, “Look Fernando, Seb, he... I just don't think he's in a place where he can deal with that, even if...” Mark trailed off, unable to even challenge himself with the question as to how Seb might feel about him.

Fernando looked uncomprehendingly at him.

Mark knew he shouldn't say anything, but he found himself continuing, “I didn't really know him before, alright? He's been through a lot. Too much.”

He caught himself and rushed; “I shouldn't have said that, okay? I shouldn't say anything, so please don't ask me.”

 

Fernando was shocked to hear how pained Mark sounded. He couldn't help wondering what on earth Mark was alluding to. Whatever this was about, it certainly wasn't just a case of unrequited attraction as he had initially thought it might be.

 

Mark pushed away his wine, he shouldn't have had so much, the alcohol had loosened his tongue and he felt as though he had betrayed Seb.

“Please don't say anything, about what I've told you. I shouldn't have said anything.”

He looked at Fernando, feeling terrible.

“Please say you won't?”

“Mark, you have not actually _told_ me anything,” noted Fernando.

Mark nodded unhappily.

“You wont say anything about me talking to you about him though?”

“No Mark, of course not. I am your friend, I would not do that.”

“Or about Seb.”

“I will not say anything about Sebastian, whatever it is, okay?” confirmed Fernando in a calming voice. There must be something serious here for Mark to be so agitated. Whatever it was, it mattered a great deal to Mark. He would not wish to damage their friendship in any way by going against his wishes.

“Or _to_ him?”

“Or to him,” agreed Fernando.

He looked at Mark with concern. “You do not wish to talk about it?”

“No. It's not my business to talk about, okay?”

“Okay.” Fernando nodded. “I will not speak of it. You can trust me, yes Mark?”

 

Mark nodded. He knew he could trust his friend. Fernando had known he about his sexuality for a decade and had never breathed a word to anyone. Sebastian's secrets were by now an extension of his own.

“I think I might get an early night,” excused Mark, getting up.

“Mark,” tried Fernando, feeling bad that he had pushed his friend too far.

“No, it's okay. I think I just had a bit too much of the red stuff. I'll be alright in the morning. Okay?”

“Okay,” ceded Fernando, watching his friend head indoors. He drank back his wine, feeling guilty that he had upset Mark. This thing with Sebastian was obviously very significant to him. Whatever was complicating it, Fernando clearly wasn't going to be allowed to get involved. He'd just have to find a way to support his friend in another way. If that meant just keeping quiet and waiting to see what happened, then so be it.

 

 

As Fernando dropped Mark off at the airport on the Wednesday he took a moment to reassure him.

“Mark, do not worry about what we spoke of, with Sebastian...”

Mark nodded. “Thanks. I'm sorry, it's just, it's complicated, okay?”

“Okay. But know I will not speak of it with anyone. On my honour.”

Mark knew that honour was an important thing to Fernando, He took it seriously. If anyone wanted to see just how seriously, they should try asking him about Singapore 2008.

“Thank you.”

“But do not forget yourself in thinking of Sebastian, okay Mark?”

Mark nodded.

“Very well. I am here, if you want to talk, about anything you can talk about, of course?”

Fernando gave Mark a smile and hugged him goodbye. He would very much like to speak to Sebastian himself next time he saw him, but Mark would not like that, so he wouldn't do it. He would just have to hope that they worked things out and let Mark know that he was there and he could trust him.

 

 

 

Seb was so pleased Mark was coming back in England he chose not to worry about how he should judge his weekend with his family. Mark had sensibly recommended that the more he saw of them, the easier it should get to talk to them, whatever the subject, and Sebastian had to admit that it had been easier on seeing them the second time, so he wondered whether he might be able to fit in a few more visits in the Autumn. After Spa maybe?

 

When Mark came round to collect the dogs on Wednesday evening he stayed for dinner and they arranged to try to work out a new run route the following morning whereby they could meet part-way and run the rest of their old route together. It looked as though it ought to work on the map, but they needed to try it on foot and measure the distance.

 

Seb listened as Mark told what he had got up to in Spain with Fernando, although Mark naturally left out their conversation on their relationship. It was always odd talking about one to the other as it felt as though he was giving things away about their opponent, but it couldn't be helped.

Mark in turn was happy to hear more about Seb's visit home and was relieved that he seemed rather calmer about seeing them and less driven to rush into coming out than he had seemed previously.

 

When Mark finally left, taking the dogs with him, Sebastian felt more alone in his new house than he had until now. He'd made a little joke about him at least being granted permission to have them stay with him on alternate weekends, but Mark had missed his reference and merely reminded him that Seb would be over to join him for walking them whenever work commitments allowed.

 

 

 

Given that the summer break entailed a mandatory factory shut down, Seb was left more then enough spare time to sort out arranging his new house to his liking, to wait in for the delivery and setting up of the gym and of course, to spend time with Mark.

Despite the poor weather they continued their runs, walks and bike rides, even if they were occasionally dressed more for April than August, but now that Sebastian had the swimming pool as well when the weather was really appalling they still had an outlet for their energies.

 

Sebastian loved the pool. When he was alone he liked just to close his eyes and float in the water, feeling as though all of the rest of the world dissolved away and he could switch off his brain and just _be_. Not that he was always successful in switching off his brain of course. And occasionally he was too good at it and floated his switched-off brain right into the side of the pool with a clonk, but that usually just amused him and he'd find himself laughing out-loud at his silliness, the noise echoing around the empty room.

 

The first time Mark came over to use the pool during a particularly unseasonable storm, Sebastian suddenly felt awkward at the intimacy of being in each other's company when they were only in their swim-wear. As usual Mark seemed entirely unaffected by such concerns and Seb soon forgot them when Mark unceremoniously shoved him into the deep end the minute they walked into the room.

Seb did the only thing he could do in response; which was to splutter back up from of the water and appeal to Mark for help to pull him out and then use the leverage of his feet against the side of the pool to haul Mark in after him. After that, Seb forgot all about feeling self-conscious and they mucked about like teenagers, challenging one another to races, to do lengths of the pool holding their breath under water and seeing who could perfect the best dive in from the side.

It was a nice way to spend an afternoon and it didn't hurt that it combined a little incidental exercise (when Seb had mentioned the swimming pool at his new house to Antti when he'd seen him shortly before the summer shut-down, his trainer's eyes had lit up at the opportunity to include it in Sebastian's exercise programme).

 

Mark was sat at the shallow end of the pool, kicking his legs in the water watching Sebastian preparing for another dive. He was supposed to be appraising the technique and not the diver, but he couldn't help himself looking at Seb's body as he stood there; Seb had always been slim and toned, but Mark worried that he looked a little too slim these days. So many of the drivers had lost weight for this year, many dangerously so, but Sebastian hadn't needed to given his already light frame.

Seb dived in and shouted down for Mark's score out of ten. Mark shook himself out if his reverie, answering that he'd not been watching and Sebastian pretended to be annoyed and splashed water in his direction before taking up position again and asking Mark if he was concentrating this time.

Mark assured that he was looking properly now, which wasn't untrue. He looked over at Seb's body again; it certainly wasn't unattractive that was for sure, it was really quite beautiful with the honed muscles and narrow waist and hips, but Mark detected a fragility that he suspected few others recognised and he was concerned whether Seb's state of mind this year had affected him physically.

 

Just as Sebastian dove into the water, it struck Mark that the last time he'd actually seen Seb in a state of undress had been that very first day he'd turned up at his house when he'd run away from Heikki. Mark felt a tightness in his chest as he remembered what he'd seen. Back then he couldn't have judged what Seb looked like for the number of bruises on his skin. It was a horrible dark memory, one he'd rather forget.

Mark slid himself into the water to distract himself from his thoughts and Sebastian appeared suddenly at his side having swum the length of the pool underwater to creep up on him. When he asked for his score this time Mark joked it was only a four for lack of finesse, earning himself a splash of water in the face and Sebastian challenging him to do better.

He did as he was told and swam to the other end, climbing out and looking at Seb who had taken his place; he sat dangling his legs in the water and assured Mark he was watching ready to judge, before deliberately ignoring him and looking down at his nails, giggling to himself like a child. Mark shook his head. Seb might be a little thinner, but he was doing so much better these days. He loved to see him laugh.

 

 

Maybe Seb moving out had been a good thing. Every time they saw one another seemed more important now that they had to make an effort to do so. Not that much of an effort, admittedly given the short distance between their houses, but some planning at least went into each run, each walk, each ride, each excuse to hang around at one another's place drinking coffee or eating meals.

 

Sebastian thought it had proved easier than he'd imagined re-adapting to living on his own, but then he wasn't really on his own all that much. Maybe it was easier in the summer when they were both pretty much free to spend their time as they liked. Once the season re-started it would get more complicated; Sebastian had taken a look of the racing calendar for F1 and WEC later in the year and hadn't liked the look of it at all, but there was nothing he could do about it, so he was ignoring that for now and making the most of the time that they had.

 

 

Given that the journey from his to Mark's only took around ten minutes (depending on how much respect you paid to speed limits on country lanes) it was easy to give in to temptation and not rush home, choosing instead to hang around after dinner to sit around watching TV in the lounge, each taking up their customary spots on the sofa, discussing what they were watching or happily bad-mouthing Helmut Marko's latest foray into attempting to undermine Sebastian by casually discussing his contract negotiations with the press.

It was all too easy for Seb to accept an offered beer from Mark after dinner one night and then another, before realising that this now meant he shouldn't drive home. Naturally it never occurred to either one of them that there might be alternative ways for Sebastian to make the arduous 5.7 miles (he'd measured it in his car) journey back to his house, so Mark suggested he stay the night; After all his room was always there.

Waking up the following morning, it took Sebastian several minutes to remember that he shouldn't actually be there and having an unhurried breakfast in the kitchen was almost so nice that he wished he could stay, but the new house wasn't so bad, he could live with being there if he knew that this alternative was always available if he needed it.

 

 

 

 

Before long it seemed that the once endless summer break was coming to a close and Seb had schedules to look at for Spa and meetings and sessions in the simulator at the factory he'd need to do before that.

 

 

The Sunday night before work started up again for Sebastian was spent at Mark's. It was always the best way he could think of to relax and forget about his concerns; dinner, a walk with the dogs before the sun went down and then loafing around watching something on TV.

 

Mark had suggested putting on a film, but Seb insisted he needed to get back for an early night, so they just watched whatever was on; some retro crime drama. It seemed fairly slow paced, but it was well written enough and they slipped into silence, concentrating on the plot. Sebastian was grateful of the opportunity to forget all about his concerns about returning to the racing season and lose himself in the story.

 

Mark was jolted by the change in tone as a bank raid occurred in the drama. Out of nowhere the intruders had drawn tyre irons and attacked the bank teller. Mark was too busy watching what was being depicted on screen to appreciate what was happening right next to him until he heard the change in Sebastian's breathing. Mark turned to look at him; Seb was sat slightly forwards, his eyes too wide open.

 

“Mark, please turn it off, turn it off,” Seb gasped.

“Shit,” let out Mark, realising with a terrible rush what this meant.

Mark scrambled desperately trying to find the remote control at the same time as reaching out to Sebastian, but Seb was pushing himself to his feet to get away.

Seb nearly tripped over the dogs at his feet in his haste and stopped still, standing with his eyes closed in the middle of the room, begging Mark to switch off the television between broken breaths.

The damn remote control had fallen down the side of the cushion and Mark couldn't find it. He pushed the dogs out of his way and crossed the room, frantically reaching for the plug to switch the television off before he could return to Sebastian.

By the time Mark was stood next to Seb he was hyperventilating and his whole body heaved as Mark grabbed a hold of him.

“Seb, it's okay, it's off. Shit Seb, I'm sorry.”

 

Mark clung on to Sebastian as he fought for air, Seb's chest rising and falling uncontrollably quickly. He tried to reach Seb, but he couldn't hear him, he was falling too fast, he was back there; his face pressed not into Mark's shoulder but a mattress and he could feel everything and nothing at once.

 

Mark was half holding Seb up, his arms limp at his sides.

“Seb, it's okay, just breathe,” he entreated, his head bent down into Sebastian's.

He rubbed Seb's back, repeating it over and over, “it's okay, Seb you're okay _._ ”

Mark felt like crying. How could this happen, out of the blue with no warning, and hit Sebastian so hard and so fast? Mark could feel Seb's heart pounding like a jack-hammer.

“Seb try to breathe more slowly, please Seb.” Mark voice cracked, _“please?”_

 

Sebastian felt as though he was floating in water now, he kept his eyes pressed tightly closed. The floating was nice but he couldn't breath properly and he started to panic as he realised he must be under the water, he must be drowning, but he couldn't move his arms to swim.

Seb tried moving his arms and was fighting Mark's grip on him, he shoved against Mark's chest the minute Mark let go and stumbled backwards, his eyes now wide open, staring but not seeing.

Mark was momentarily too shocked to do anything, but seeing Seb nearly fall, he quickly stepped forwards and grasped under his elbow to support him.

“Seb are you alright? Seb?” He looked into his eyes; the pupils were wide, and Seb was sweating, his breathing still erratic.

Sebastian stood, not fully upright, leaning his weight into Mark's arm. He blinked several times trying to get his bearings.

“I need... air,” Seb croaked, in a voice so quiet Mark could barely hear it.

Mark nodded, switching hands holding Seb to help walk him from the room. The dogs were getting in the way and he had to push them from their path and shut the lounge door to stop them from following into the kitchen.

 

He opened the back door and sat Seb down on the step, fitting down alongside him. There was a strong wind, but that was good, it was oxygen.

As soon as he was seated, Sebastian's head dipped forwards and his eyes slid closed. Mark didn't like that, he couldn't tell if he was alright.

“Seb sit up, open your eyes, okay?”

Mark shifted even closer so he was slightly behind Seb, letting him lean back against him. His right hand still had tight hold of Sebastian's elbow as though he would blow away with the wind if he let go.

  
Sebastian stared out at the garden; there were already leaves that had fallen. In the light from the house illuminating the lawn he could see them being tossed about by the gusts of breeze. It was almost Autumn already.

 

Seb couldn't speak, he was still held captive by his chest's attempts to suck in enough air.

Every erratic breath that Seb took, his shoulder-blade pressed into Mark.

At least he was breathing though, at least he hadn't passed out, thought Mark. That was something.

“Just try to take slower breaths Seb, slow breaths,” Mark said as calmly as possible. He let go of Seb's elbow and rubbed his upper arm.

Sebastian still felt as though if he closed his eyes he could float away again, but he wouldn't drown now he knew Mark was holding onto him.

 

Eventually his breathing slowed. Seb leant his head further back onto Mark taking deeper breaths as nausea crept up on him.

He moved his head back forwards again.

“I feel sick,” said Seb quietly.

Mark pulled to the side a little to try to look at him.

“Are you going to be sick?” Mark asked.

“I don't know,” responded Seb. He shut his eyes again.

“Don't close your eyes. I'm going to get you some water, okay?”

Mark started to detach himself from Sebastian so he could get up.

“No.”

“I won't be a second,” Mark reassured. He checked Seb's eyes were open, then leant him up against the doorframe and quickly fetched a bottle of water from the fridge, putting it in Sebastian's hand as he sat back down.

 

Sebastian leaned his side into Mark's as he sipped the water for a while. He put the bottle down at his feet and took a very deep breath and let it out as slowly as he possibly could.

 

“Do you still feel sick?” checked Mark.

Seb gave a small shake of his head. He repeated the slow deep breath, feeling Mark's hand resting on his back.

“Just keep doing that for a bit,” instructed Mark. He knew this routine only too well. They'd been here too many times, he couldn't remember how many now, it had been a long time since it had happened last. Seb had been doing so well.

Sebastian kept up the slow breathing until he felt steadied and he finally stopped, but then a sob caught him by surprise and he pulled his knees up, sinking his head down into them.

“I thought I was okay now. I thought I was better,” Seb let out in a horribly broken voice.

 

Mark didn't know what to say, he couldn't understand how this could have happened, how something remote and unconnected could have triggered an attack and swept Seb's feet from under him after so long. He reached out and placed his hand on Sebastian's shoulder, stroking back and forth with his thumb before gently pulling Seb back up and letting him turn to fold into him.

Seb leant his head into Mark chest and Mark kept his arm wrapped around him. Seb closed his eyes, he thought he might be allowed to do that now, he could just fall asleep here.

 

Sebastian was shivering slightly, Mark thought he ought to move him inside, but he didn't want to disturb him.

They sat like that for a long time. Mark had rested the side of his face against the top of Seb's head. The left side of his back was pressed uncomfortably up against the hinge of the door, but it didn't matter.

 

“Mark,” uttered Sebastian, almost into his chest.

“Hmm?”

“Can I stay tonight?”

Seb sounded so plaintive it made Mark want to cry.

“Course,” Mark managed in response.

“Can I stay with you?”

Mark didn't know what to say. That was not a good idea. It really wasn't. He should say no.

There was no way he could say no.

“Okay.”

Seb sat up a little and chanced a look at Mark.

“I don't want to be on my own.” Seb sounded terrible.

Mark nodded. He helped him to his feet and they went upstairs, Mark letting the dogs out of the lounge as they went. They tried to nuzzle up against Sebastian, but he couldn't deal with the distraction and Mark shooed them away into the kitchen.

 

Once upstairs Seb decided he needed to use the bathroom and Mark was left in his room, changing his jeans for pyjama bottoms and wondering what the hell he thought he was doing.

Seb was taking his time and Mark stepped out to find him in his old room; as he walked in Seb was pulling on one of his old t-shirts to sleep in. Mark apologised awkwardly and backed away to use the bathroom. Coming back out, he half expected to find that Sebastian had changed his mind and decided to stay in his own room, but Mark's bedroom door was open and he could see him sat on his bed.

Mark rubbed his face for a moment, unsure what to do, then decided to forget about thinking and just see what Seb needed.

 

As Mark walked into the room Seb moved on the bed and sat so he was leaning up against the pillows and headboard, still on top of the covers.

Mark gave him something approaching a smile and took up the same position on the opposite side of the bed.

“You alright?” Mark asked.

Sebastian gave a half shrug. No of course he wasn't.

Mark shifted up closer to sit against him. He wasn't sure if it was better to ask or not. Sebastian was bound to get upset if he did, but it might be worse to let it fester.

“Do you want to talk, about what that was, what happened there?” asked Mark tentatively.

 

Seb fiddled, scratching a nail into the back of his other hand, he pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, not looking at Mark. It was quiet for a while as Mark let him decide if he wanted to speak.

 

Finally Sebastian broke the silence, speaking in a low voice; “It was a year ago, after Hungary. I'd fucked up the whole weekend. I messed up getting pole, I messed up in the race. He decided to punish me.”

 

The word went right through Mark, he knew whatever he was about to hear would be horrific.

Mark moved slightly to see if he could get Seb's eye, but he wasn't looking in his direction.

“Seb you got third, that wasn't so bad?”

Sebastian turned and regarded Mark with a pitying look at his naïvety.

He gave the tiniest of mirthless laughs, “Mark, as if that mattered? It was the summer break.”

 

Mark understood only too clearly what that meant: Heikki had free reign to do as he pleased if Sebastian was away from the team's gaze and not racing for nearly a month.

Seb took a deep breath and then scrunched up his face. He didn't know how to continue.

“Something really bad happened,” intimated Mark.

Seb nodded tightly.

Mark thought about what had prompted Seb's reaction earlier.

“Seb,” he paused, unsure whether to ask, “did he... did he hit you with something?”

“A poker,” answered Sebastian breathily.

“Fuck.”

Mark didn't think he could be shocked any more, but he was wrong. Christ, a poker? Fucking hell.

“He made me strip and lie down on the bed,” Seb elaborated, in a voice little more than a whisper. “He told me he was teaching me a lesson I'd never forget.” His voice caught, “I can't forget it.”

“Shit Seb, that's, god I can't even say. That's so fucked up.”

 

Mark put his arm around Sebastian, but Seb stayed sat in the same position, not looking at him.

“I didn't do anything to stop him, I just lay there trying to shut it out, trying to get away inside, trying not to feel anything. But I couldn't do it, it hurt too much and he kept hitting until I thought he might break my back, but he was too careful to do that, he always knew how to bruise and not to break. This was worse than normal though, he seemed so angry and I didn't understand why. Maybe that was all an act, maybe he was enjoying it, I don't know, I couldn't look at him; I was too afraid, I thought I'd only provoke him more, so I closed my eyes and pressed my face into the mattress and prayed that he'd he'd stop, or I'd pass out, or anything just to make it end.”

Seb felt as though there were pins and needles over all his body. He pulled his knees in tighter and let his head sag forwards.

Mark had no words adequate to offer Sebastian. How could such a thing happen? How could one person do that to another?

 

Sebastian's breathing was uneven again and Mark realised he was crying. Mark was fighting to stop himself from doing the same. He gave Seb a gentle squeeze and reached his other arm around to envelop him.

“I'm so sorry,” Mark breathed into the top of Seb's head.

Sebastian was shaking now and Mark was worried he might descend into another panic attack. He held Seb tight and told him that it was all over, that he was safe now, that Heikki would never come near him again.

 

Sebastian lifted himself slightly out of Mark's hold to look at him, eyes so wide and blue and sad they broke Mark's heart.

Seb had ceased crying for the moment, but there were still tears clinging to his lashes. Mark wanted to brush them away, but Sebastian went to continue speaking.

In a dead, quiet voice, Seb finished his story.

“When he was done, he pulled my hair and made me look as he put it in the corner of my room. He propped it up on the wall so I could see it. He left it there to remind me, so I couldn't forget,” Seb swallowed hard, still trembling, “I wasn't allowed to touch it, or to move it. It stayed there, so I'd always know, like a threat. Even when he wasn't there I couldn't touch it, in case he'd know somehow. I didn't dare. It was always there so _he_ was always there, it was like he was watching me and I was never safe, I was never free of him, and I could never forget.”

Seb voice broke again. “I could never forget and I still can't. I still can't forget.”

He started sobbing, “I just want to forget. I want to stop remembering it all now. I want it to go away, please make it go away, make it go away.”

 

Sebastian buried his head in Mark's chest, sobbing uncontrollably, his legs sliding down as he turned into him, sinking his head a little lower as he reached across to cling onto Mark.

Mark held onto Seb, resting back a little and wrapping his arms around him. Mark lifted up his right hand and began gently stroking Sebastian's hair, quieting him and promising Seb that he was safe, that no one could hurt him, that he'd never let anyone hurt him ever again. He didn't notice the tears running down his own cheeks as he comforted Seb, but the pain in his chest was unbearable.

He kept whispering any comforting thing he could think of as he held Sebastian, unconsciously stroking his hair, hushing him like a child until he stilled and he could feel Seb's heart-rate slowing.

 

Seb was drifting again, but Mark was his life-raft, he could come to no harm with him there.

 

Eventually Mark thought that Sebastian must be asleep. He tipped his head to the side to try to get a look at Seb, but his face was pressed too tightly into his chest. Mark wanted to let him sleep through the night right there, but that felt wrong.

Very carefully, Mark lifted Seb up off his chest and laid him down to sleep on the pillow next to him. Seb shifted and murmured something. Mark thought he might have woken him, so he moved down, turning on his side and propping himself up on one elbow so could lean over and continue to stroke Seb's hair until Mark was sure that he was safely fast asleep. Only then did he lie back and allow himself to rest. He closed his eyes just for a moment.

 

 

When Mark awoke it took him a moment to remember what had happened. He opened his eyes and looked at Sebastian sleeping next to him. Mark scrunched his eyes tight shut thinking what a god-awful mess this all was. He sighed and lifted himself up a little to look at Seb. Mark turned on his side to face him and rested his elbow on his pillow.

Seb looked so peaceful lying asleep there. You'd never know to look at him the state he'd been in last night. No one except Mark knew what Sebastian went through, no one knew the real Seb the way he did. Mark wondered how it could be that he'd not known him this way before, all those wasted years when they'd been only a few feet away from one another in the garage and never really known one another at all.

 

Mark lay there watching Sebastian sleeping. He was so beautiful. How had he not seen how beautiful he was back then? Those long eye-lashes with those perfect little blonde tips; the blue eyes hidden while he slept. His cheeks looked a little flushed; when Seb smiled they were so round and cute and he looked so happy, Mark wanted to make him smile all the time. He wanted to see his eyes shine with happiness and not sadness as they all too often did. Seb's blonde hair was fluffy against the pillow, Mark remembered how it soft it had felt when he'd been stroking it last night, just as soft as he'd imagined it would be. He wanted to reach over and carry on stroking Seb's hair.

Sebastian took a deeper breath and Mark wondered if he was waking, but he didn't move. Seb's lips were slightly parted as he breathed in his sleep. They were so pink and full. Mark thought they must be soft too. He wanted to kiss them and see how soft they were. Seb's lips were so perfect. Mark wanted to touch them.

Without even making a conscious choice, he found his hand reaching out towards them. Mark gently touched a finger against Seb's top lip and drew it down over his lower lip, scarcely brushing against it. His lips were soft. So soft. Mark withdrew his hand for a moment, but he couldn't resist; barely daring to breathe, Mark tentatively placed the pad of his thumb at the corner of Seb's mouth and painstakingly ghosted it along the length of his upper lip, all the way along to the other side and then dragged it slowly over his bottom lip, barely touching. Mark removed his hand, realising that it was trembling as he felt Seb's breath upon it.

Mark pulled his hand back and looked at it as if it wasn't really his. How had he had the nerve to do that? Oh god it had turned him on.

Sebastian let out a breath next to him and Mark suddenly realised what he'd done. He touched Seb without his permission. He stolen something so intimate from him while he wasn't even conscious and he'd been aroused by it. Christ, that was wrong. So wrong. Mark felt coldness clamping down on him. He was as bad as Heikki; he'd taken advantage of Seb's vulnerability and found pleasure in it. His hand was shaking now. It was so wrong that he'd done that. Mark gasped, suddenly horrified and disgusted with himself.

 

Mark pushed himself out of bed as quickly as he could without disturbing Sebastian and fled the room, shutting himself in the bathroom and locking the door. He couldn't look at himself in the mirror. What had he done? What was wrong with him? Was he some kind of monster that he could exploit Sebastian just as so many others had before? Seb had stayed with him needing comfort because he trusted him, Mark couldn't bare to think he might have betrayed that trust.

He fell back against the door, his head falling to his chest as he started crying, distraught at what had just occurred. Mark slid down against the door and sank his forehead into his knees as he pulled them into himself. He'd never hurt Seb. He'd never want to do anything he didn't want. He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have touched Sebastian without his consent. Oh god what had he done, what did that make him?

It was so messed up. They were so messed up. The only time they were really close like that was when Seb was falling apart and he needed Mark to get through it. It was in those most extreme moments that they were at their most intimate, as if there were no barriers between them, but Mark wasn't certain that Seb was conscious enough at the time to understand what was happening and afterwards he wasn't even sure Sebastian properly remembered what had passed between them.

Was that the only way they were ever going to be so close? Did Mark want Seb to be so hurt and upset that he needed Mark that way? Was that all they were ever going to have? Sebastian in such desperate pain that he clung to Mark and Mark liked it that way? How monumentally fucked up was that? Was that what he wanted?

 

He shook his head against his knees. That wasn't how it was. That wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Sebastian whole and happy and choosing to be with him. Wanting Mark the same way he wanted Seb. He didn't want Seb broken and dependant, that wasn't how it was at all.

Seb had been doing so much better that Mark had started to think that maybe, just maybe, they'd turned a corner and that they might stand a chance. Now it felt as though that had all collapsed and they were right back where they'd started. How could they possibly have any kind of future together?

Every time they moved forward something seemed to happen to drag them back. It wasn't fair. Mark was trying so hard to do what was right and Sebastian had come such a long way, he'd worked so hard to overcome his past and become a stronger person. It felt as if the two of them were trying to claw their way out of a deep dark hole and every time they got near the top, the ground moved and they slid back down again.

After all their efforts, after everything Sebastian had been through, couldn't someone give them a fucking break? Was that too much to ask?

It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair.

Mark buried his head in his knees and silently bawled his eyes out in despair.

 

 

He didn't know how long he stayed like that. For a long time after he'd stopped crying, Mark continued to press his head down as if he was shutting out reality. As he raised his head he saw that it was past dawn now. He didn't want Sebastian to find him like this so he dragged himself up and went to the sink to splash his face with cold water to try to pull himself together. Mark cleaned his teeth and took a hot shower, trying to slough off his worries and unhappiness.

He pulled his pyjamas back on, unable to face going back into his room where Sebastian still slept, and went downstairs.

 

 

Entering the lounge he found the abandoned mugs of half-drunk cold tea from last night and was about to take them into the kitchen when he noticed the little set of fireside tools that was tucked in by the fireplace surround. Mark went over and looked at it. He'd almost forgotten it was there seeing as he'd not lit the fire in the mild winter they'd had. Hidden right in the centre was a poker. Mark's stomach churned. He prayed that Seb had never noticed it. Surely he couldn't have done without reacting? Mark felt sick that it was even in his house. He picked up the entire stand and walked into the kitchen, found a bin-bag to put it in and went outside, round to the side of the house and buried it deep in the bin and shut the lid tight.

Mark went back in and washed his hands. He took a moment to gather himself and then put the kettle on, fetched and washed the dirty mugs and made himself a strong coffee to try to clear his head. The dogs were still asleep in their baskets in the corner. Mark wondered if it wouldn't be nice to be like them; to lead such simple uncomplicated lives?

Mark found a hoodie in the dryer and pulled it on. He took his coffee and sat out on the back step where they'd been last night. He rested his head up against the doorframe and closed his eyes for a moment, suddenly feeling tired.

He opened his eyes as he felt one of the dogs nuzzling up against him. Mark raised a little smile to see Simba pushing his nose into his arm. He reached up and stroked him and the dog pressed in further. Mark set down his mug and brought up his other hand to give him a good rub of his body. Simba settled himself down next to Mark on the step and put his head on his leg, looking up at him.

“Good boy,” said Mark quietly. It was almost as if he knew somehow.

Mark rested his hand down on Simba's head and looked right back at him. He wondered what he was thinking right now. What would he say to him if he could talk?

Would he tell him he was being an idiot? That he was worrying unnecessarily? Would he tell him it was all going to be okay?

 

Mark desperately wanted someone to tell him it was all going to be okay, that somehow, impossible as it seemed, they were going to make it. Surely all this suffering, all this fucking _pain_ had to be for something? If they kept trying, if they just hung on and kept going even when it seemed like there was no hope, was there a chance they might eventually get somewhere? Mark didn't know. He only knew one thing; he wasn't going to give up.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I just about took you out at the knees towards the end there


	22. Missed

 

 

“You slept with him?”

“No, no. Well I mean yes, but no. I mean I just slept in his bed that is,” stumbled Sebastian.

 

Seb was sat in Dr. Menton's office in Oxford on the Wednesday before he had to head out to Belgium. It was his only chance to see him that week following a couple of days at the factory and travelling out for the next race the following day.

 

Sebastian had been going over what had happened when he'd been hit by panic attack the previous Sunday night. Henry had explained to him that suffering flashbacks was unfortunately not uncommon in the circumstances. Given that Seb had experienced prolonged and often severe trauma (and the one Seb had just described to him by way of explaining what had caused the flashback was horrendous, even in Dr. Menton's experience as a therapist), it was perhaps only surprising that he hadn't had more.

Understanding what had happened and why was one thing. Seb could get his head around that. What he was really struggling with was everything else surrounding it.

 

Dr. Menton looked at Sebastian trying to appreciate just what had happened that night.

“You slept in Mark's bed?” Henry questioned.

“Yes,” admitted Seb.

“With Mark?” asked Henry.

Sebastian looked down, “I, I'm not really sure. He was there when I went to sleep, but when I woke up he was gone.”

Seb couldn't hide how crushed he'd been when he had woken up to find himself alone.

 

Dr. Menton frowned. What had Mark been doing taking Seb into his bed if he knew that he liked him, but had told him that he didn't return his feelings? From all he had heard and what he'd seen of Mark, it seemed unlike him to do something so potentially damaging to Sebastian's emotional well-being.

  
“So you're not sure if he actually slept there too?”

Sebastian shrugged unhappily.

“So you just slept there and nothing else happened?”

Seb shook his head. That wasn't entirely accurate, but he didn't think he could explain it in a way that Henry would understand.

“Did you speak about it afterwards?” asked Henry.

“Kindof. Not really. I mean we talked, but he was just seeing if I was okay. We didn't really talk about that,” answered Sebastian.

Dr. Menton gave a small sigh. “Seb, don't you think maybe you should?”

Sebastian looked at him awkwardly. “He's not even here at the moment. He had to go testing in Germany for Porsche, and when he's back I'll be at Spa, so...”

“So, when are you both home again?” asked Henry.

“Next week I guess.”

Henry nodded. “I think it's important that you do Seb. I know it's not easy.”

Sebastian thought Henry had no idea quite how difficult it really was.

 

“Do you feel that Mark is sending you mixed messages?” queried Dr. Menton.

“No. It's not that. It wasn't his fault. I was a mess, I just really needed him. It was my fault.”

“Seb it's not a matter of finding fault.”

“I asked to stay with him. I shouldn't have done that. It was stupid.”

 

Sebastian sounded upset again. Dr. Menton shook his head.

“Seb I'm not sure you were completely conscious at the time. From what you described I think you having a fairly extreme flashback episode. It's unrealistic to expect yourself to be making coldly rational choices at that point.”

Henry looked at Sebastian. Seb's instinct to blame himself persisted for all his efforts to rid him of of the habit.

At that point it really had been Mark's responsibility to know that it was probably a bad idea for Seb to spend the night with him, but then wasn't Henry expecting too much from Mark as well? Faced with Sebastian in that state it wasn't hard to see how Mark had been left with the almost impossible choice of pushing Sebastian away, or giving him what he wanted and maybe needed in that moment. Dr. Menton knew only too well just how much Seb relied on Mark. That must be a strain for him, surely?

 

Seb wiped away an escaping tear. He wasn't going to cry. He was sick of crying.

“Do you remember it all clearly?” asked Dr. Menton.

Seb shook his head. “Not really. I can't breathe properly when I get attacks, I get sort of floaty, like I'm not sure what's real.”

“That must be very frightening,” sympathised Henry.

Sebastian dug his nails into his hand and nodded tightly.

“Seb when people get panic attacks, they can hyperventilate, this is what happens to you, yes?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb quietly.

“When this occurs you can temporarily starve your brain of oxygen, this is why your level of consciousness can be affected. Have you passed out when you've had attacks before?”

Seb nodded.

“But you didn't this time?”

“No. I don't think so.”

“It's hardly surprising that when you're in such a state of distress that you seek out comfort. Perhaps it's best not to over-analysise that,” suggested Dr. Menton.

“You needed comfort and reassurance and you sought it from someone you trust. You trust Mark?”

It wasn't really a question. It was only too clear that Sebastian did.

“Yes. Of course. He was just looking after me. He always does.”

Seb looked at Henry and sighed. He couldn't make him understand.

“No one understands what we have, what it's like between Mark and me. I've never had anyone like that before. I know he'd never hurt me.”

Seb hadn't meant to let out that last bit.

 

“He makes you feel safe?”

“I know that makes me sound really needy and pathetic.”

“No Seb. That makes it sound as though you have chosen your friend wisely. Wanting to be around someone you trust and who makes you feel happy and safe isn't a weakness. It's a very good thing. It's just that your relationship is a little more complicated than that isn't it?”

“I suppose. Yeah.”

Henry nodded, “I appreciate this is very difficult for you, but I think it would do you good to try to talk to Mark a little about what happened when you are both back.”

Sebastian shifted, looking uncomfortable.

“Seb, if you trust Mark as you say you do, if he's your friend, then you don't need to worry.”

Sebastian thought that unfortunately that was precisely _why_ he worried about talking to Mark about what had happened and how he felt about him.

“Okay?” checked Dr. Menton.

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian, thinking it was easiest just to say what Henry wanted to hear.

 

 

Long after Sebastian had gone, Henry was still thinking over the situation with Seb and Mark. It may have been questionable judgement on Mark's part to agree to Seb staying with him and then perhaps feeling uncomfortable with the situation, at some point leaving, but it was easy to see how it had come about in the circumstances. It was also a bloody good job that Seb _could_ trust Mark. Sebastian was horribly vulnerable when he had attacks. From all Sebastian had told him, Mark only ever did his best to take care of Seb.

What had taken place was perhaps unwise, given that it encouraged Sebastian's attachment to him, but Mark was clearly in a very difficult position. Henry really had no evidence to suggest that Mark was anything other than a decent person in a complicated situation. It didn't bare thinking about how a less decent person could exploit Sebastian's vulnerability, or cause untold damage by bluntly rejecting Seb and leaving him to cope on his own. It was asking a lot of Mark to find a way to deal with it.

Dr. Menton wished he knew what Mark's perspective on all this was. The only time he had properly met him was when he had accompanied Seb during a session because Sebastian was too distressed to get though it alone following the reappearance of his abuser a few months ago. Mark hadn't really spoken during that hour other than to support Sebastian. Henry wished more than anything that it wasn't against his ethical code of conduct to speak to Mark about all this and try to resolve things once and for all.

 

 

 

  
Perhaps it was because they had barely seen one another in the week, but Mark couldn't help feeling things were strained between himself and Sebastian. It was bad timing that he'd had to go straight out to Germany for testing and Mark felt even worse about the fact that there was a tiny part of him that had been grateful that he'd avoided having to confront how guilty he still felt about what had happened.

They still texted back and forth, but somehow phone calls that normally would have been made didn't happen. By Friday Mark realised they'd not spoken in several days; Probably the longest period they'd not spoken to one another all year. When he tried ringing Sebastian after seeing the damage to Seb's car at the end of free practice on Friday morning the call went unanswered and Mark really started to worry. Left with no alternative he sent a text asking Seb to ring him when he was free.

 

Sebastian sat in his room wondering why the hell he hadn't answered his phone when Mark rang. He was about to text back that he was busy working, but that was a lie and he didn't want to actually lie to Mark, so he just left it. Sebastian couldn't believe that yet again there was another issue with his car. He was starting to wonder if Suzie really was cursed. Electrical damage this time and it had burnt out a whole chunk of the car as the mechanics had shown him when he climbed out in the garage. Seb decided to head back down there and see what the verdict was.

 

Sebastian leaned back against the wall of the garage as Christian explained that they were going to need to change the whole engine out and that it would take so long there was no chance he was going to get any running in FP2.

 _'_ _Great,_ _'_ thought Sebastian, _'_ _t_ _here goes_ _my race sim_ _'_.

He nodded at the guys working away at his car and turned on his heel to walk back to the motorhome. Christian hadn't mentioned it, but he knew at this rate there was no way he was going to have enough engines to last the season, so that meant a penalty. As if having all these problems wasn't penalty enough already.

He could probably make his excuses and head away from the circuit, but what was the point in that? He should stick around for the debrief after second practice and at least then he could see Daniel's data and see if he could learn anything from that. It would be all he had to go on for tomorrow.

Sebastian made his way back to his room and fiddled with his phone wondering if he should call Mark before deciding to text him instead.

SEB: 'No FP2 for me'

 

He knew it was fishing, but Seb was glad nonetheless when his phone burst into life a few minutes later.

 

“Hey Mark,”

“Hey. Car's screwed then?” Mark tone was humorous, but he knew what this meant for Seb.

“Mmm, yeah. Whole new engine needed,” confirmed Sebastian.

Mark rubbed his hair, “not gonna do that in an hour these days.”

“Nope.” Seb was resigned, what was the point in moaning about it?

“What now then, you heading back to the hotel?”

“No I'll wait and see what Dan does. I'll have to use his settings I reckon.”

“Oh, yeah I suppose so.” Mark wasn't sure what to say, all the bad luck did seem to head Seb's way this year but emphasising that was hardly going to help his mood.

 

There was a silence on the call for a moment and Mark was about to make his excuses and go when Seb spoke again.

“I saw that Verstappen kid hanging around earlier.”

“Oh yeah, I saw about that. What the hell is Marko playing at? How old is he?” asked Mark

“Sixteen.”

“Jesus,” Mark shook his head. What was the world of F1 coming to?

“And you thought I was young when I started,” noted Sebastian.

“Yeah. Christ, I mean you were a kid. This one's a foetus. Can he even reach the pedals?”

“They say he's really something, but...”

Seb had heard more than plenty on the talent the kid had from Dr. Marko talking him up to the team yesterday.

“Hmm,” continued Mark suspiciously, “talent's one thing, but racing, living this life is another.”

Sebastian sighed, “I just wanted to go up to him and tell him not to do it. Not to rush in when he's so young. But obviously I can't.”

“No,” agreed Mark.

The team would have a blue fit if Sebastian said anything to put off their latest recruit to the Toro Rosso junior team. He was a part of the machine now. Max would either sink or swim and Dr. Marko would only care so long as it affected him and the team. If the kid couldn't keep his head above water he'd be dumped by the wayside like so many of his predecessors.

 

“Don't suppose he'd listen anyway,” continued Sebastian. “When I was sixteen I wouldn't have listened to anyone. If they'd have offered me a race-seat I'd have bitten their hand off.”

“Which is precisely why kids shouldn't be making decisions like that at his age.”

“Yeah, true,” agreed Sebastian. “He's only a year older than Fabian. He should be in school. It's crazy.”

“I think school is over for him. Hell, he'd better make it now, or he's screwed up his other chances.”

Mark couldn't help being annoyed in abstract about the whole thing. Formula One was all about the now and the five minutes from now. It couldn't look far enough into the future to consider that it might be tripping itself up down the line.

 

“He could washed up by the time he's my age,” said Sebastian with feeling.

Mark wondered if that was how Seb felt.

“Seb, you don't mean you do you?”

Sebastian paused before answering. “No. Well, no not really. I just feel a lot older this year, suddenly, you know?”

“Yeah, well guess that's not surprising. It's just a tough year. You're not washed up Seb. Don't think like that.”

Mark wished he was there with Seb right now, sat on his bed with him so they could have a proper talk about all this. In truth this wasn't about Max Verstappen; he'd made his bed, he'd have to lie on it. It was about Sebastian: Much too much, much too young. He'd broken so many records, achieved so much in this often brutal world of F1, but the cost to Seb had been far higher than anyone else really knew.

 

“I should go,” said Sebastian. He didn't really want to get into things about himself right now. Not over the phone. Not in the middle of a race weekend.

“Oh okay,” Mark was surprised at his abruptness.

“I'm gonna go get some lunch, see how practice goes. I'll catch you later.”

“Righto. Okay well, yeah speak later then.”

Mark hung up. He couldn't quite place it, but things still seemed strange between them.

 

 

They didn't end up speaking later. Sebastian sent Mark a text telling him he was getting an early night which was really just an excuse, but then Seb felt oddly compelled to actually do as he'd claimed and was asleep in bed before it was even dark outside.

Seb woke the next morning feeling refreshed and surprisingly bright in contrast to the weather outside his window. He sent Mark a picture of a gloomy sky and a message suggesting that Spa was doing it's thing and qualifying today was probably going to be worth a watch (to which Mark replied that of course he'd be watching and to remember his advice about the merits of remaining on the black stuff, which made Sebastian smile just as it was intended to).

 

 

The morning practice session didn't exactly fill Sebastian with confidence as the weather had given him so little running, but he knew the times were unrepresentative, so there was no point focusing on that. The car didn't feel too bad, and there'd been no recurrence of any electrical issues, so that was something.

Mark sent him a couple of encouraging texts, but there really was no time to talk before Seb was getting back in the car ready for a wholly unpredictable qualifying session.

 

 

Race weekends were always so packed, Seb really didn't get chance to do more than reply to a couple of Mark's congratulatory messages later that afternoon. He did want to speak to him though; Third, when they thought they didn't stand a chance around the uniquely challenging circuit of Spa-Francorchamps really was something. It felt good and he wanted to share that with Mark.

  
It was evening, back at his hotel, before Seb finally took up Mark's suggestion to call him once he was able to.

 

“Hey,” started Sebastian as soon as the call connected.

“Hey Seb,” returned Mark, trying not to sound too obviously relieved that Sebastian had finally called him.

“So, today wasn't too bad then, after all,” said Sebastian. He felt suddenly shy, realising just how much he longed for Mark's praise.

“Not bad? That was great. Really Seb, especially in those conditions.”

“Yeah?” Sebastian was angling for more, he didn't even care how obvious he was being about it.

“Yeah. Definitely,” emphasised Mark. He wished he could see Seb right now, see if he was smiling, see if he was making him feel good.

“The weather helped I think, I mean it levelled the playing field a bit, so...”

“You made the most of it, that's what counts, and doing that in tricky conditions, around _Spa._ Well that's showing stones mate.”

 

Seb grinned to himself. It did feel good to be back up there, back posing for the leaders' photo, back in the post-qualifying press conference. It might be arrogant, but it felt like it was where he belonged.

“Thanks Mark.” Seb felt a warmth inside, for a moment he allowed himself to forget all about the difficulties he knew there lay between them and just be happy that Mark was there for him.

“I guess we don't know what the weather's going to do tomorrow, so who knows how it'll go, but at least I'm in touch.”

“Exactly,” agreed Mark. “Anything can happen, so just go for it, alright?”

“Yeah. I will, I will.”

“Spa can be crazy, but it's a wonderful track. I miss it, it was always one of my favourites. I almost wish I was racing with you this weekend,” admitted Mark.

He didn't miss a lot about F1, but he missed the racing sometimes, the thrill, and there were few places more thrilling than the track at Spa. That time he'd overtaken Fernando on the outside going up Eau Rouge was a moment he'd treasure till his dying day.

 

Sebastian wished Mark was there racing alongside him that weekend too. How funny would that be? It was hard to imagine them being team-mates now.

“Yeah, it's not quite the same as last year, with Mercedes being so far ahead of us, but still.”

“Still in with a chance Seb. Like I say, Spa can be crazy, the weather alone can turn things on it's head.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh, “you wouldn't believe how nice it is here now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Good job really or Christian and Adrian would have pneumonia.”

“Huh?”

“Oh we did that thing. You know the ice-bucket dowsing. Daniel and I did it, Rocky and Nigel helped. They wanted to do it in front of the motorhome for the TV cameras, they'll probably show it tomorrow I guess, before the race.”

“Ha,” laughed Mark, he'd definitely like to see that.

“It was pretty funny,” admitted Seb.

“Surprised they haven't got you yet. You know they got me during the week at the track. I'd only just got out of the car when they pounced.”

It had been bloody freezing despite that fact Mark was still in his race-suit at the time.

“Yeah. I know and Daniel did it too, but...”

Seb stopped, he didn't know how to explain, but he suddenly confessed to Mark;

“I don't want to do it. I know that makes me sound like a bad sport, especially when it's for charity and everything.”

 

Mark frowned, he could tell something was off here.

“Seb if you don't want to do it, don't do it. It's just a stupid craze, it's no big deal.”

“It's just everyone was going on about it. They didn't want to take no for an answer.”

Sebastian bit his lip, he wanted to tell Mark how he'd suddenly been gripped by an inexplicable panic when so many in the team had been pushing him and not listening when he tried to get out of it.

Mark was angry. That was bullying. The team were bullying Sebastian into doing something he didn't want to do. That wasn't right. Mark wanted to go up to whoever was doing that and shove them up against a wall and tell them to leave Seb alone.

“They can get lost Seb, alright? It's just a silly thing that's going around. You don't have to do it. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, okay?”

“Okay.”

Seb felt stupidly wobbly and he couldn't quite hide it in his voice. It was just a ridiculous game people were playing, but he hated the expectation that he had to comply, he hated being made to feel uncomfortable and that he was a bad person for not going along with it. He hated that he was so frightened of saying no. Seb didn't need a psychologist to tell him what that was about.

 

Mark wanted to kick something. Why were people so short-sighted? Why couldn't they see what they were doing was wrong? He frowned again, the people in the team weren't mean, they must just think it was all a good joke, but if Seb said no he meant no, that wasn't a game to him. He wished he was there with Sebastian so he could tell those pushing Seb around to go fuck themselves.

“Don't worry about it Seb. It's the last thing you need on a race weekend, alright? In fact, yeah, you know what, I think it's pretty stupid idea to be doing that before a race anyway, you could make yourself ill.”

That was something, thought Seb, he hadn't considered that excuse, surely the team couldn't argue against that?

“Yeah, I guess. I thought maybe if I offered to make a donation instead that would shut them up.”

“If you want to, sure, but don't worry about it, okay Seb?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Just focus on the race. Ignore all the rest of that bullshit.”

“Yeah, okay. I will. I know it's not important.”

Sebastian knew he was making a mountain out of a mole hill. He shouldn't let it bother him, but he couldn't help it. He was being ridiculous, but at least he'd admitted it to Mark. Mark didn't make him feel foolish or pathetic for not going along with it.

 

When he went to bed that night Seb was glad he'd spoken to Mark. He felt a little bolder about standing up to anyone who mentioned the challenge again; he'd tell them it wasn't a good idea for him on a race weekend and he'd be making a donation instead. He looked at the text Mark had sent him.

MARK: 'Anyone bothers you about it tmw, give me their name & I'll tell them where they can stick their ice-bucket'

That made Seb smile. He could just see Mark doing that and the shocked look on some team-member's face. If anyone did really bother him tomorrow that was the image he'd have in his head and whoever spoke to him would be left wondering why Seb was smiling to himself.

 

 

  
Arriving at the track the next morning Sebastian was met by Britta who told him that Christian wanted to see him.

Seb dumped his stuff in his room and headed down to his boss's office.

 

Seb knocked on the door and entered when Christian answered. He took a seat opposite him thinking that his boss looked vaguely harassed, but then that wasn't unusual at a race. The beard he'd decided to grow over the summer made him look older too.

Christian gave him a smile. “All set for today then?”

“Yeah. I think so. Rocky and I are going to have our run through in a bit.”

“Yeah, yeah,” delayed Christian.

Sebastian wondered what all this was about.

“Look Christian, I wanted to say, about this ice-bucket challenge thing, I hope you don't think I'm being weird about it, but, well I'd just rather not do it. I'll give a donation instead, but...”

“Hmm?” asked Christian distractedly. “Oh yeah, whatever, that's fine, don't worry about that.”

Seb was thrown a little. What was this about?

“Look, Sebby I'm sorry to do this to you right now, but I don't want you hearing about this from someone else.”

 

Sebastian frowned. Whatever this was, it wasn't good.

Christian looked at him, clearly uncomfortable with what he was about to tell Sebastian.

“Seb, with Adrian moving on, you know that we're going to have to reorganise how we do things at the track.”

“Right,” accepted Seb, a little suspiciously.

“Well to cover the technical side, we don't want to bring in an outsider and I think you know we've been talking about sharing out his responsibilities and that Rocky would be a part of that.”

“Okay.”

They had talked about that. Rocky was a smart guy, Seb knew he could do more for the team that he currently did in his role as his race engineer.

Christian steeled himself. He knew Seb wasn't going to like this.

“We've made a decision to give him a promotion; Rocky's going to be part of the trackside technical management as chief race engineer, but to do that he really can't do two jobs at once, so he's not going to be able to continue as your race engineer.”

“What?” Sebastian accidentally slipped out-loud.

 

They were taking Rocky away from him. After five years of being by his side through everything, through good and bad. They'd been together through so many triumphs, celebrated together knowing it was a joint effort. Rocky had always been the calm voice in his ear, helping him succeed, or talking him through it when things went wrong, often salvaging mistakes from becoming disaster. He'd been there right from the start of Seb's time at RedBull. He'd never let him down. Never got cross with him when Seb had indulged himself being silly getting fastest laps just for the hell of it, or pulled stunts like doing donuts for the crowds. All those good times and even in the bad this year, when Sebastian had let his frustration at all the problems spill out over the radio to him, Rocky had never once complained, never made Seb feel bad about it. He'd always been there; steady, dependable, unshakeable. When the rest of Seb's life had been a living hell, his experience in the car had been the only good part of his life and Rocky had been an integral part of that. And now when Sebastian was having such a hard time they were taking him away.

Were the team punishing him for his failure, wondered Sebastian. Wasn't he worthy of having Rocky any more? Was that it?

 

“I'm sorry Seb,” excused Christian feeling guilty, particularly at the poor timing. “I know this isn't what you need right now, but for the sake of the team...”

“Right. Yeah. Of course, no I understand,” managed Sebastian, determined not to let his boss see how much this bothered him. “Rocky's a smart guy, he deserves a promotion. I'm sure he'll do great.”

“Yes, I agree Sebby, he does and he will. He'll still be working with you of course, just in a slightly different capacity.”

Seb nodded. That was hardly the same, but what could he say? It wasn't like he was in a position to veto the move, especially not this year.

“We're taking on Gianpiero Lambiase, from Force India, to be your new engineer. I don't know if you've met him?”

“Umm, I don't know, maybe,” Seb couldn't place him, but he probably had at some point.

“He's an excellent engineer, a good guy, I'm sure you'll get on,” reassured Christian.

“Yeah, I'm sure,” Sebastian forced a smile, “this is for next season, right?”

“Yes, we're working on the details for when they can release him, but we'll try to get the two of you together as soon as possible so you can get used to working with him.”

 

Seb just nodded again. There was no point complaining.

Christian let out a puff of breath. “I'm really sorry about telling you this now Seb. Right before the race and everything. I was going to talk to you earlier in the week, but we were waiting on confirmation of acceptance from Lambiase.”

Christian looked at Sebastian trying to read him, but Seb wasn't giving anything away.

“I wouldn't be telling you now, only somehow word's got out and I think the news is about to break in the media, and like I say, I'd hate for you to have heard this second-hand.”

Sebastian knew there was nothing to be said.

“It's fine. I should get on, I need to get some time to prepare for the race,” _with Rocky,_ Sebastian didn't add. _While I still have him._

 

Christian let Seb go. He felt guilty about how this had come about, he should have spoken to Sebastian earlier even if their plans were incomplete, but he'd wanted to give him a proper plan of what would be happening. Christian wondered how the information had leaked, but gossip was the life-blood of the paddock; it had no beginning and no end; You hardly ever found out how rumours got started, but once they did it was impossible to stop them.

Seb had seemed just about okay with the change, but Christian knew too well now how good Sebastian was at hiding what was really going on with him. He just hoped he'd get used to the idea and it wouldn't affect him too badly. Christian had resisted the idea at first but he had to think of the team over-all and not just Seb, and Rocky really did deserve the promotion. It was the right thing to do, that didn't make it easy, but he wasn't paid to make easy decisions.

 

 

Sebastian made his way to the garage to go over preparations for the race with Rocky feeling slightly in shock. He couldn't believe they were taking him away. As if his year couldn't get any worse? Now he'd have to get used to some stranger for next season.

He walked into the garage and smiled at Rocky, offered his congratulations and told his engineer how much he though he deserved the promotion, that it was long overdue.

Rocky apologised for not mentioning that he'd been in talks about the change, but Sebastian dismissed the notion, saying he'd been hogging Rocky for years and that it was only fair the whole team got him in future.

Sebastian sighed internally. If he couldn't stop it happening he might as well accept it. There was nothing to be done but get on with things, and right now there was a race to be got on with.

 

Seb considered telling Mark about it, but he wouldn't be able to pretend about how he felt to Mark and Seb didn't think that would do him any favours at this moment. It might be denial, but perhaps that was the best thing if he was to concentrate on the race ahead and get what he could out of today.

 

 

Sebastian went back to his room to change ready for the race. Without a race run from Friday afternoon he was going to be stepping into the dark a little bit, but he just had to trust in what he had and go for it. At least he had a decent starting position, and like Mark said; anything was possible at Spa; it might rain later, Nico and Lewis might take one another out before they reached La Source, he just had to keep his wits about him.

Seb sat down on his bed and pulled Mark's note out from his bag from where he kept it so he could read it before each race.

 

_Never give up._

_I wont give up on you either._

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and let it slowly out.

He wasn't going to give up, how could he if Mark wasn't going to give up on him?

 

 

 

Three hours later Sebastian was sat cross-legged in the pitlane, posing for another team photo, another win for Daniel. Another race where he'd started well enough only to fade in the race. He hadn't given up, he'd pushed hard at the start; Maybe a little too hard as he'd come off almost straight away fighting to get past Lewis. Maybe he'd been pushing his luck there, maybe he'd been pushing it all race? Rocky had had to come on the radio to pass on a warning about exceeding track limits, so someone had clearly whined to Charlie about it. But he'd rather that than know he'd not been pushing, politely hanging back. If you weren't fighting tooth and nail in this game you might as well go home and watch the race on TV.

Pushing meant greater tyre degradation though and the extra stop had cost him. For a while there he and Daniel had been running one/two, but that couldn't last once he'd had to pit again. And so smile, smile and look at the camera; try not to let it show how getting fifth felt when his eager young team-mate won for the third time that year.

At least he'd been in a scrap at the end and fought his way back up to re-coup his loss from pitting, at least he'd been the victor in that battle, but once the race was done it was impossible not to look back and see the day as an opportunity lost. If Daniel could do it, why couldn't he? Christian could tell him it was due to his lost run on Friday, but that felt like another excuse. Seb was tired of excuses. He hadn't done enough and Dan had, that was all there was to it.

 

 

Sebastian sat exchanging text messages with Mark while he waited for his flight. He couldn't help feeling a little awkward still. Normally he'd have been on the phone to him as soon as he was free and back in his little room at the motorhome, but when Mark had sent a message suggesting Seb give him a ring when he got a moment, Seb had avoided him by sending him a text saying they were heading straight to the airport.

 

MARK: 'Reached the airport yet?'

SEB: 'Yeah, just checked in'

MARK: 'Know when you'll be back?'

SEB: '9ish maybe'

MARK: 'Wanna come over?'

 

Sebastian stared at his phone. Did he? It wasn't a question he was used to asking himself. He always wanted to be at Mark's didn't he? Or at least _with_ Mark, wherever he was. He thought he couldn't explain why he hadn't wanted to speak to Mark. Except deep down he knew he could; Now that he was heading home he had to face up to how it would be to see him after nearly a whole week of being apart. Seeing Mark meant he ought to do what Henry had said and talk to him about what had happened. Seb knew it was cowardly but he was sorely tempted to put off tackling things between them.

 

SEB: 'Not sure. I'm kinda tired'

  
Mark was sat on his sofa nursing a coffee. He read the message from Sebastian and couldn't help wondering what was going on between the two of them. He'd oddly been both glad to get a bit of space to clear his head by being apart for a few days, and also felt bad that they'd left things they way they were. Seb had insisted that he was fine getting stuck back into work at the start of the week, but he'd been so quiet. Mark hated that. He knew that meant that Sebastian wasn't really alright, no matter what he said. He also knew that part of the reason he'd failed to address things was that he still felt guilty that he'd crossed a line with Seb. Over the past week he'd had plenty of time to rationalise things, and logically Mark knew that what he had done hadn't been terrible, but it still felt like a breach of trust.

And now Seb was putting him off. They had hardly spoken during the week apart and that wasn't like them at all. The idea that he'd damaged what they had made Mark feel awful.

 

MARK: 'Ok. Hope yr ok'

 

Mark stared at his phone. It was a rubbish message, but he didn't know what else to say: _Please come over, I miss you._ He could hardly say that.

 

Seb re-read their messages half a dozen times before they were called to their flight. It wasn't like them to be so terse with one another. It felt wrong. Was he just being silly about all this?

He sat back in his seat and pretended to listen to the flight safety information, thinking things over. The stupidest thing of all was that when he felt in a slump like this what he really wanted was Mark to cheer him up.

Sebastian pulled out his phone to send another message to Mark when the stewardess appeared at his elbow and insisted he switch his phone off. Seb wanted to glare at her. What possible danger could his little mobile phone signal cause to an airplane? If that was all it took to crash a plane then surely terrorists were wasting their time with complicated plots when they could simply send a text message. But Seb knew he was sulking and it was childish to take out it out on some poor girl just doing her job, so he apologised with a smile and complied; switching off his phone and sticking it in his jacket pocket.

 

 

Mark was busily driving himself spare worrying over things sat at home so he whistled the dogs and took them for a walk. The earlier poor weather had cleared, but it was still blowy up on hill. That was no bad thing though, Mark could do with some cobwebs clearing away after an afternoon sat on the sofa.

The undergrowth was still pretty wet and the dogs helpfully did their best to get themselves as damp as possible and then share that dampness with Mark as they walked along by pressing themselves into his legs. By the time he got home both Shadow and Simba were pretty muddy and Mark's jeans were unpleasantly soggy. He went upstairs and peeled his trousers off changing into a pair of tracksuit bottoms before heading back down.

Mark made himself another coffee and sat at the kitchen table. This was ridiculous. He did miss Seb. He hated that things were strained between them. More than anything he just wanted thing to go back to normal. Seb to be sat here at the table with him talking things over, making a fuss over the dogs because they'd not seen him for a few days. Wasn't all this just being stupid? Was he being stupid, torturing himself over what had happened? Had he done something so very bad? Wasn't it worse letting it get in the way of things? He'd made a mistake sure, but the idea that it could hurt their friendship made him feel even more awful.

Mark played with his phone for a good few minutes before deciding to try again.

 

 

Sebastian got back to his car before remembering that in the rush to disembark and sort out his luggage, he'd forgotten about his phone. He switched it back on as he settled into the drivers seat and it beeped with messages as it came back to life.

 

MARK: 'I could always come over to yrs if you want?'

MARK: 'If not, are you free tmw? The dogs miss you, they've started to look for you on TV'

 

Sebastian couldn't fail to smile at that. He could really do with seeing the dogs. And Mark. He really wanted to see Mark. To hell with it. He didn't care how awkward it might be, he wanted to see Mark, it had been too long, he missed him.

Seb was about to text him back when he hit call instead.

 

“Hey,” greeted Sebastian.

“Hello. I was starting to think you were ignoring me there.” Mark said it in a joking tone, but it was actually true, he'd spent that last half hour fretting about why Sebastian hadn't replied.

“I had to switch my phone off on the plane,” explained Seb.

“Oh, of course. I didn't think of that,” Mark gave a small laugh, he really was getting ridiculous about this.

“So, umm, yeah I dunno, maybe you could come over for a bit, or I could come to you. Have you eaten yet?” Seb still felt awkward. This was so stupid, it was just Mark after all.

“No, I've not, but look if you're tired I'll come to yours. You don't have to cook. I can pick up some Thai from that place in the village.”

“Break the diet?” queried Sebastian in a mock horrified voice.

“Well I wont tell if you don't. Besides Thai's not so bad. What d'you think?”

“Sounds good. Give me an hour maybe?”

“Sure. I can bring the dogs if you like?”

“Yeah, that'd be nice.”

“You say that, but they're still pretty muddy from earlier,” warned Mark.

For some reason that made Seb smile more than anything. A pair of muddy dogs messing up his kitchen floor might not be appealing to some, but to Sebastian that was the sort of thing that felt like home.

 

 

Seb pulled onto his drive to find Mark already waiting for him, sat with his car door open clutching a couple of takeaway paper-bags, the dogs sat obediently at his feet.

 

“Hey Seb. Sorry, mistimed that mate. Pretty quiet in the takeaway tonight it seems.”

“Been here long?” asked Sebastian walking over to meet them and giving the dogs a friendly stroke.

“Few minutes. Think we're alright.” Mark patted the food.

 

Seb dragged his case and bag out of the car and let them into the house.

 

“Why don't I sort this out while you do whatever you need to do?” suggested Mark.

 

Sebastian came back down having changed out of his RedBull gear into the kitchen to find the food laid out and Mark waiting, the dogs were laying down in the corner where he kept a blanket for them.

“This alright?” asked Mark. “I just got a mix of stuff, I wasn't sure what you wanted. Should've asked really.”

“No this is great,” assured Seb.

He got himself some water and they started to eat, not talking too much. Sebastian was surprised how hungry he was despite the late hour and it was nice to feel they were being a little bit naughty breaking strict diet rules for once.

 

“Coffee?” asked Mark as they finished up.

“Oh god, no, I'll never sleep.”

“Hmm, good point. Long day I take it?”

“Yeah, well you know.”

“Yeah, certainly do.”

Mark didn't miss all the fuss surrounding races that always made the day twice as long as it really needed to be.

“So,” continued Mark. “The race then. Should I ask, or are you sick of talking about it?”

Seb shrugged. “I dunno.” He looked down at his empty plate for a moment before facing Mark. He could be honest with Mark. “It's kinda disappointing to go backwards again.”

“Mmm, fifth's not bad though.”

“Yeah but Daniel won. Again. And I,” Seb gave a heavy sigh and shut his eyes for a moment. “I just don't know how he keeps doing it. It feels impossible. I am trying. I really am. I haven't given up.”

“I know you haven't Seb,” replied Mark calmly. “That bit at the end, that was a real dog-fight, and you beat out Jenson and Fernando and that Magnussen kid who was all over the place.”

“Yeah, but I was on fresh tyres,” countered Sebastian.

“You still had to overtake them though, there was some terrific moves in there mate, really great box-office. It was the best bit of the race.”

 

Sebastian gave him a little smile for that. He loved that Mark was always watching him race whenever he could.

“I'm going to go into the factory in the week and work on things a bit, see if I can't try and find out what I'm doing wrong,” shared Seb.

“I don't think it's a matter of doing it wrong Seb.”

“No well, whatever it is that Dan's doing. I need a bit of that.”

Mark nodded. “Sounds a good idea, maybe Rocky can help?”

He looked over to see Sebastian's face fall and wondered what he'd said wrong.

“Seb, what is it?”

Sebastian swallowed. He didn't want to sound like a baby about this. “Rocky's leaving. I mean he's leaving me.”

Mark looked astonished. “Leaving?”

“Well, not leaving really. He's getting promoted to help cover Adrian, so I'm getting a new engineer.”

“Oh.” _Damnit_ thought Mark. That was all Seb needed. What was the team playing at?

“When did you find this out then?” asked Mark.

“This morning, just before the race. Christian told me.”

“You're kidding?” Mark seriously wanted a word with Christian.

“It wasn't his fault. It was about to go public, so he didn't really have any choice,” allowed Seb.

“Hmm, but still,” Mark shook his head. “That's rotten timing.”

Seb just shrugged again. What could you do?

“It must be a blow,” sympathised Mark.

Sebastian looked at him, preparing himself to continue with the platitudes he'd given Christian and Rocky and anyone else who'd mentioned it, about thinking about the good of the team, but this was Mark.

“Yeah. I know it's silly, but I'm really going to miss him.”

“It's not silly Seb. Of course you'll miss him.”

Sebastian didn't want to let himself get upset over this, but he couldn't pretend he wasn't bothered.

“It's just, he's always been there, you know?”

Mark nodded understanding.

“I just can't imagine it being someone else doing that role, after so long. It's so important that you trust what they're saying to you, it's like they have your life in their hands and now I'm just gonna have to have some new guy that I don't even know.”

Seb knew he sounded childish and afraid of change, but it was the truth.

 

Mark was hardly surprised to hear Sebastian admitting to having trust issues. He hoped to god whoever was stepping into the role was a reliable person as well as good at their job.

“I'm sure they'll have the best engineer they can find to take his place,” reassured Mark.

Seb nodded but didn't say anything.

“Seb, they're just there to help guide you, give you tactical calls and help out. You're the one in control in the car. You have your own life in your hands. Your own race.”

“Mmm, I guess.”

“I know it'll be strange, but you'll handle it Seb.”

Sebastian looked at Mark. Mark always believed in him. He never wavered. If Mark believed in him, then surely Seb should believe in himself?

 

 

It was getting late. Seb started clearing away, telling Mark he was going to have to get some sleep pretty soon.

Mark helped him with the washing up, a normal routine activity. Normal felt good, it felt as though it had been too long since they had been just normal together. A week. Exactly a week. It seemed longer than that and there was still something hanging in the air between them.

Mark leant back against the counter as Sebastian piled the plates away.

“I was going to say,” Mark paused as Sebastian turned around to face him.

“Hmm?” Seb interrupted and then wished he hadn't.

“Oh, umm, well I just thought, I don't know if you're going to be busy now, if you're going into the factory?”

Sebastian almost laughed, he'd thought Mark was about to say something serious then.

“No, not tomorrow. Tuesday I think.”

“Right, well, if you're not too knackered after the weekend to go for a run in the morning?”

“No that'd be good.” Seb wanted some routine back.

“And maybe afterwards, well these guys got themselves pretty filthy earlier so I need to give them a good wash, so if you fancied helping out?”

Seb smiled. “That sounds like fun.”

Mark raised an eyebrow. “Can't guarantee it'll be easy, but I could use a hand trying to wrangle them.”

“Sure, I'm in.”

“Great.”

It would be helpful to have a spare pair of hands, and Mark did think it might be a fun, distracting activity to take Seb's mind off things. It definitely wasn't just because the odds of seeing him in a wet clingy t-shirt were pretty high.

 

 

 

The next day Sebastian and Mark stood in Mark's kitchen in the middle of the morning looking out of the window. The mild drizzle from first thing had been light enough not to put them off their run earlier, but now it was tippling down.

“So I was going to say we'd give them a wash outside, but...”

Sebastian smiled, “guess we could just chuck some shampoo on them and let them stand in the rain out there?”

Mark laughed, “They'd last two minutes before they were rolling around in the grass, rather defeating the object.”

“Ah, yeah, guess you're right.”

“Bath it is then,” decided Mark. “Come on boys, let's go ruin my floor.”

Mark got up and Seb followed him as they headed up, the dogs dashing between their legs and nearly tripping them up on the stairs.

 

Mark handed Sebastian a pile of towels and they chucked them liberally on the floor of the bathroom in a vain attempt to keep it dry.

Mark ran the taps to fill the bath. He left Seb to look after the dogs while he went back down to fetch a jug from the kitchen. When he came back up Sebastian was sat on the floor petting the pair of them. He seemed happier and more relaxed than Mark had seen in a while.

Mark reached over and turned off the taps with the bath half full. Any more and they'd end up flooding downstairs. He peeled off his hoodie and threw it over onto the other side of the room.

“You might want to do the same mate,” suggested Mark.

Seb unzipped his top and climbed up to put it to one side.

“So, how do we do this?” asked Sebastian.

Mark took a hold of Shadow's collar and led him to the side of the bath before shifting position and taking hold of him from underneath and hauling him into the water. The dog immediately started splashing about trying to get back out again.

“Come on,” prompted Mark, “before he decides he doesn't fancy joining him.”

Sebastian copied Mark and lifted Simba up to deposit him in the bath as well. Unfortunately having seen this happen to Shadow, Simba resisted rather more forcefully and Seb nearly ended up in the bath alongside the pair. A slosh of water shot up, drenching Seb and Mark.

 

Sebastian managed to push himself back upright and looked at Mark with such an expression of surprise that Mark sat back on his heels incapable of suppressing his laughter.

“Oh my god!” exclaimed Sebastian.

Mark just carried on laughing as Sebastian attempted to prevent the two dogs from clambering back out of the bath.

“Mark. You're meant to be helping!” protested Seb.

Mark pulled himself up. “Okay okay. Come on you daft things.”

He pushed the dogs down and gave them a firm stare. There was a brief battle of wills before the dogs quailed before him and settled down. Mark grabbed up a towel and passed it to Sebastian to dry off a bit and did the same himself before returning his attention to the task. Mark tipped some shampoo over Shadow and passed it to Seb to do the same for Simba and the dogs allowed themselves to be washed.

Now that they'd calmed down Sebastian thought it was an oddly relaxing experience. He copied Mark's movements to ensure the dogs got a proper clean. Mark was so funny when he talked to the dogs, it was almost as if he expected a reply when he asked them if they didn't like getting a wash for once. Mark took the jug and started to rinse off Shadow before passing it to Seb for Simba. He reached down and pulled the plug to drain out the water.

 

Seb looked at the two soaking wet dogs. “So?”

Mark grinned, “well we can try persuading them.” He looked at the animals. “Okay. Out. Now.”

He pointed at the floor and the pair jumped out surprisingly fast, scrabbling around as the towels moved under their feet.

Mark picked up a couple more towels and passed one to Seb and they started trying to dry the dogs off. It was fun until Simba decided he'd had enough of this game; he struggled to get away from Seb as he knelt on the floor and landed badly on his wrist as Sebastian tried to hold him back.

“Ow. Shit!” Sebastian snatched up his left arm to his chest.

“Seb?”

“Damn, he just, ah...” Seb tried to flex his wrist.

Mark let go of Shadow and crossed over to Sebastian, kneeling by his side.

“Give me a look,” Mark insisted.

“No, it's okay.”

“Seb.”

“It's nothing. He just bent it a bit far.” Sebastian still held his left wrist into himself.

Mark tipped his head closer to look at him. _“Seb?”_

Seb didn't respond, but one look at his face was enough. He'd hurt himself.

“Okay, come on. We'd better stick some ice on it.”

 

Mark stood and pulled Sebastian up. They headed down to the kitchen, leaving the dogs to their own devices.

Seb sat at the kitchen table as Mark searched in the freezer. He took out a pack of frozen vegetables, wrapped them in a tea-towel and took Sebastian's left arm, carefully laying it out on the table and resting the make-shift ice pack against it. Sebastian looked very tense.

“Are you alright?” asked Mark, as he sat down beside Sebastian. “Does it hurt?”

“No, really, it's fine. You don't need to fuss Mark. I'm okay. I just bent it a bit funny.”

“Okay, well we'd better keep this on a while, just in case.” Mark gave him a reassuring smile, he left his hand resting on top of the ice pack, holding it in place.

 

They sat there for several minutes, Mark checking several times over to see if Sebastian was okay, which he insisted he was. When the dogs wandered into the kitchen Mark shooed them away sounding annoyed and they left looking sheepish.

“Mark, it's okay. It was just an accident. I'm sure it'll be fine.”

Mark's hand was still on top of the ice pack, on top of Seb's wrist. Sebastian looked at it. He didn't want to comment on it because he didn't want him to take it away, but Mark moved his hand and lifted up the ice pack.

“Do you want to see if you can move it?” checked Mark.

Sebastian cautiously flexed his wrist a little.

“Does it hurt?”

“I can't really feel anything to be honest, it's kindof numb.”

“Right, of course. Should I..?”

“I guess, yeah.” Seb put his arm back down on the table and Mark replaced the make-shift ice pack.

Sebastian gave him a small smile. “Don't blame Simba. I was just being clumsy.”

Mark didn't like how that sounded.

“Seb you weren't clumsy. It was an accident. The dogs just got a bit over-excited.”

Mark felt like he should have warned Sebastian to watch out, he should have taken better care of him.

Sebastian put his hand on top of the tea-towel to hold it in place. He wished Mark's hand was still there instead. He stared at his wrist.

 

Mark didn't like how quiet Sebastian was. Seb didn't blame him did he?

“Seb, I'm sorry. That was probably a stupid idea. Maybe we were asking for trouble doing that indoors.”

“No Mark, don't worry it's fine. I'm sure I've not really hurt it. Don't make a fuss.”

Something in Seb's tone made Mark feel even worse. Something nagged at the back of his mind.

Mark was about to speak when he remembered; Seb had hurt his wrist last summer. He'd told the team he'd had bicycle accident, but that wasn't true, Sebastian had admitted that all the way back in Brazil. It hadn't been an accident.

He wasn't sure whether to say anything. Was it worse to bring up something from his past, or worse to ignore it? He got up and made some tea, playing for time.

 

Sebastian was still too quiet. Mark passed the mug of tea across the table to him and lifted his chair, moving it so he could sit closer to Seb.

Seb let the ice-pack balance on its own and sipped the tea. Mark had put sugar in, but he didn't comment on it.

 

Mark drank his own tea for a few minutes before speaking.

“Seb,” Mark hesitated, not knowing if he was doing the right thing or not. “Your wrist...”

“I'm okay Mark.”

Mark persisted; “Last summer...”

Sebastian put down his mug and pushed it away. He replaced his hand back on top of the tea-towel. He looked away from Mark and stared at his hand in front of him.

“...you accidentally hurt your wrist. Only you didn't.”

Sebastian couldn't look at Mark.

“It was my fault really,” he said quietly, “I pulled away, I shouldn't have.”

“ _Seb._ ”

Mark hated how he did that, how easily Seb slipped back into the habit of blaming himself, how deeply ingrained it was into his psyche.

“Seb it wasn't your fault.”

“I shouldn't have pulled away. I should have known better. I should have known he wouldn't let go.”

Mark felt like little knives stuck into him with every word.

 

He moved slightly forwards and turned in so Sebastian couldn't escape his gaze.

“No Seb.” Mark shook his head gently. “No. It was his fault, not yours. Not. Yours. He shouldn't have been holding onto you.”

Sebastian looked back at him. There was such depth in those eyes, so much of the past.

“It wasn't your fault Seb,” Mark repeated softly. He reached out his hand and placed it down on top of Sebastian's, making sure he pressed no weight down to hurt his wrist below.

Seb swallowed hard, he didn't want to break down.

“It's never going to go away is it?”

“Seb if I could undo what happened, if I could go back and erase it all, you know I would.”

“I know.”

Mark stroked his thumb gently back and forth across the back of Seb's hand.

“You still blame yourself for all of it, don't you?”

Sebastian looked away and down at Mark's hand and his. He gave the tiniest of shrugs.

“You have to find a way to forgive yourself,” insisted Mark.

“Seb, look at me a minute, please.”

Sebastian reluctantly turned back to look at him.

“I don't think you have anything to forgive yourself for, but you do. I know you do. If you don't forgive yourself you're never going to be able to move on.”

Mark continued to rub his thumb back and forth over Seb's hand. He didn't break eye-contact.

“Seb I wish I could make it so that none of it ever happened. I wish I could make it so you never had to remember all the bad things.”

Sebastian felt as though he had ringing in his ears.

“I wish you could too,” Seb admitted.

Mark thought he'd give everything he had to make that impossible thing possible.

 

Mark gave Sebastian a small reassuring smile. He lifted his hand and carefully moved Seb's away too so he could move the ice-pack.

“You'll be frozen solid,” Mark said lightly as he placed his hand over the top of Seb's cold left hand, trying not to move his wrist, just in case.

“Okay?” Mark asked. He slid his fingers around under Seb's hand and gave it a little squeeze.

Sebastian nodded. He took a slow deep breath.

Mark gave his hand another squeeze. “We have to find a way to deal with this, or it's going to eat up everything else.”

Sebastian swallowed hard before speaking. He looked directly at Mark. “I don't want to fall apart any more. I don't want to let him do that to me.”

Mark nodded. “Good.”

“Can I just choose not to let it hurt any more?” asked Sebastian. “Can I do that? Can I just put it behind me?”

“I don't know...” admitted Mark honestly; He didn't want to make Seb any promises he couldn't keep.

“...but I think it's worth a go. I think we can try.”

 

Mark gave Sebastian a smile he hoped was encouraging.

Seb returned the smile and leant into Mark's side, He tipped his head sideways and rested it on Mark's shoulder. He curled his fingers slightly around Mark's and squeezed his hand back.

He felt a stillness inside he didn't even know he'd been missing.

 

Mark rested the side of his head against Seb's. He wanted to put his arm around him but he couldn't let go of his hand. He never wanted to let go of Seb's hand. It meant they were fighting this together. Together they were stronger, maybe they could achieve the impossible; maybe they could move on? Maybe.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and let himself relax; It wasn't wrong to feel like this, it wasn't wrong to feel safe, it wasn't wrong to feel hope. Even if he didn't know what the future held, it wasn't quite so uncertain any more. Somehow Seb had failed to consciously recognise the way Mark had said 'we' when he was talking, but deep inside Seb felt it; He wasn't alone.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here-on in I think we'll have to go rather off-piste in terms of tying in this AU story with the events in the real world. It's either that or we have to wait until Christmas...


	23. You Don't Know What You've Got Till...

 

Sebastian sat in Christian's office late on Tuesday morning. When he'd walked in with a bandage on his wrist, Christian had genuinely turned pale, but Seb reassured him that he'd had it checked out by Doctor Phillips and had confirmation that it was just a sprain that would heal in a few days. When Christian questioned how it had happened he couldn't help thinking of all the times he hadn't done this when he really should have. The irony of him taking the time now when he knew there was nothing suspicious wasn't lost on him.

He apologised to Sebastian once again about the poor timing of his sharing the information about Rocky leaving his role as Sebastian's engineer again.

 

“It's fine Christian, really. I understand,” assured Sebastian. “That's not why I'm here.”

“Oh?”

“I wanted to talk to you about, well, I guess the race, this year, how things are going...” Seb trailed off. He was well aware they both knew how this year was going for Sebastian.

“Seb, don't pay any attention to what Dr. Marko says, alright? He likes to shoot his mouth off. Try not to take it personally.”

“Hmm? I didn't actually hear what he said,” admitted Sebastian.

“Ah, well...” Christian had the grace to look slightly embarrassed.

“You can assume it was a load of bullshit as usual Sebby. Not that you heard me say that, of course.” He gave Sebastian a little confidential smile.

Seb smiled back but he didn't want to think what Helmut had said about him now; nothing good, obviously.

“So, umm, anyway. I just...” Sebastian puffed out a breath, “I wanted to ask if you had any suggestions, or I don't know, what you thought I should do?” Seb sighed, he didn't want to appear defeated to his boss, but he really was running out of ideas.

“Seb you've just had the worst of the luck this year.”

“I don't want to blame it on luck,” replied Sebastian steadfastly.

“Okay.”

“I'm prepared to do whatever I can.”

 

Christian nodded. He was very glad to hear it. He knew how hard this year had been on Sebastian, but clearly he didn't want sympathy, he wanted support.

“Right, well you're already going over things with the engineers today, tomorrow. I'd say we'd get you some more time in the sim, but I'm not sure that's such a good idea now you've hurt your wrist.”

“It'll be fine,” protested Seb. He didn't want to think he might have affected his chances over some silly accident.

“I'm not having you do more damage Seb. Look, I'll let Doc Phillips decide, say on Friday?”

“Okay. Then what?”

“Well then in the meantime I'll talk with the engineers, see if we can't work out some kind of plan, maybe do some more comparisons of your driving with Dan's.”

Seb nodded. He hated that he had to be compared with his team-mate and found wanting, but he clearly was.

“I'm not saying Daniel is better,” reassured Christian.

“Well he obviously is this year,” conceded Sebastian, trying not to sound too sensitive.

“It's not a matter of _better_ Sebby, it's a matter of what will work with the car this season.”

“I'll do whatever works,” asserted Seb. He'd decided before he came in that doing whatever it took was the only way he might be able to salvage something from this season, even if it was only a modicum of pride.

“Of course Seb, I know that. I know how much effort you've put in this year.”

“I just don't want to give up,” admitted Sebastian. That was very important to him.

“I'd never think you would Seb.”

 

Christian looked at Sebastian. He thought what a resilient little soul he was; after everything he'd been through, just to keep going was impressive. Seb had looked so tired out for much of this year, it was a miracle he didn't want to give in and stop trying. Mark was surely a part of that, supporting Sebastian when he'd been on the verge of falling apart. Christian secretly wondered exactly what was going on with their relationship, but it wasn't his place to ask. Whatever it was, it was clearly a good thing.

He smiled at Seb. How little the world knew of what really went on, how things changed.

“We'll work it out, okay? Why don't you get on with what you're doing today and we can have a sit down later and go over things?”

“Sure. Okay then, and don't worry about this,” Sebastian waved his wrist up, “it'll be alright.”

“I'm certain it will Seb.” Christian gave a laugh. “Good job it wasn't closer to the race, eh?”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

 

Seb left to find Rocky and start work. Working was good. It was what he had. Maybe all this effort would lead to nothing and he'd still continue to be beaten out by Daniel, but at least he could sleep soundly knowing he'd given it all he'd got.

He had considered telling Christian that he understood that Daniel was now in with half a chance of a run at the championship and that he was prepared to work on his behalf to help in whatever way he could, but it was too soon for that. Maybe he'd see how things were in a few races time, but for now he was working for himself. Sebastian didn't see that as selfish, as far as he was concerned it was was self-preservation.

 

The next week saw Sebastian at the factory almost every day, working to improve his form. There was an extent to which Seb knew it was pointless; There was no chance he could pull back his season this late in the day, but talking with Mark he had decided that the only sensible thing to do was to forget about this year as a whole and concentrate on looking at each race on it's own and just what he could get, so he was working towards that.

 

 

 

Seb came back from Italy thinking that perhaps his new approach was working in ways he hadn't considered. Maybe people could see how hard he was working and the attitude he was maintaining against the odds? Something rather surprising had happened and it had completely thrown him for six.

He was so surprised he spent the entire flight home thinking about it and getting in his car at the airport he decided to go straight round to Mark's to talk things over. Sebastian sent Mark a text checking it was okay (which of course it was) and let himself in, calling from the door to announce his arrival.

 

They made small talk in the hallway as Sebastian petted the dogs who were naturally excited to see him. Mark was pretty pleased to see him too, but he expressed it by making Seb a cup of tea and chatting over the race rather than leaping up at Sebastian and rubbing himself up against him as Shadow and Simba did, although the idea _was_ quite tempting.

Mark smiled to himself at the image, then disguised it by asking Seb what it was he really wanted to talk about. From the tone of Seb's texts there was definitely something.

 

Sebastian had been waiting to speak to Mark about this, but now that he was facing him he was oddly apprehensive.

“So, umm, yeah. Something weird happened,” started Sebastian. “I didn't really want to talk about it over the phone. I'm not even sure why, but, yeah anyway...”

“Anyway...?” prompted Mark.

“Last night Luca di Montezemolo came to my hotel room.”

Mark nearly choked on his drink. “That sounds like the start of either a joke or a really dodgy story.”

“It's not a joke,” said Sebastian a little tetchily

“Oh, Seb come on, you know I didn't mean that,” defended Mark, automatically placing a hand on his arm.

Sebastian frowned a little. “Yeah, sorry. I know. I'm just a bit, I don't know, thrown by the whole thing.”

“Right, sure,” said Mark looking more serious. “So what did he want then?”

“He wanted me,” replied Seb, then seeing Mark raise an eyebrow at the double entendre, couldn't help but smile. “Bloody hell Mark, I'm trying to have a serious conversation here!”

“Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'll behave. Cross my heart.” Mark made a little crossing gesture over his chest.

“So, Ferrari are after you again?” Mark asked in a more sober tone.

“Yeah, but this time they seem really serious.”

“They must be; giving you the full treatment, sending the old man in to talk you into it. What did they offer you?”

“Pretty much whatever I want,” Sebastian found it impossible to hide his astonishment.

“Write your own ticket? Wow.” Mark looked at Sebastian. “Are you considering it?”

“I, I don't know. I mean I said no, obviously, but he told me to think about it, and now I can't stop,” admitted Seb.

“Hmm.”

“What?”

Mark hesitated, he wasn't sure if it was fair to say this. “Seb don't take this the wrong way, but di Montezemolo is a wily old bastard. To survive at the top in F1 for 40 years you'd have to be.”

“And?”

“And he came to talk to you the night before a race, putting an idea in your head that you've not been able to stop thinking about since.”

“You think he was just messing with my head?” asked Sebastian. He couldn't help feeling a little hurt that Mark could think him unworthy of Ferrari's attention.

“No Seb, no I don't think it was _just_ that, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he thought that was a happy little by-product.”

 

Seb looked a little crest-fallen and Mark instantly felt guilty.

“Seb I'm sure the interest is genuine.” He looked directly at Sebastian. “You know what mate, I'm a cynical old sod, you shouldn't pay any attention to me.”

 

Mark hadn't been able to stop himself speaking the truth to Sebastian. He wanted to protect him from the possibility that Ferrari's motives might be less than straight-forward.

“Maybe I was just flattered that they'd still want me after this year?” suggested Sebastian.

“Of course they'd want you Seb. You're a four-time world champion. Every team wants you.”

“You think?”

Mark shook his head disbelievingly, “Seb don't be daft, of course they would. Other teams have spoken to you over the year haven't they?” He knew that they had.

Sebastian shrugged. “Yeah, but they weren't really serious. He was serious. I guess I'm just a bit surprised.”

“Well you shouldn't be Seb. You know what they say: 'Form is temporary, class is permanent'.”

Sebastian looked at Mark. He had such faith in him. Seb couldn't have imagined him saying such a thing a year ago, but now it was unquestionable that Mark would back him.

 

Mark frowned, thinking things through. “So, did he say what the plan was?”

“Hmm?” queried Seb, still a little lost in thought.

“Ferrari. Well they can't have three drivers can they?”

Mark hadn't heard anything specific from Fernando, but he knew he always kept his options open, for all his avowed devotion to the team.

“Oh, umm, well don't say anything to anyone?”

“Course not.”

Sebastian took another sip of his tea. “They're thinking of dumping Kimi.”

“Blimey.”

“Yeah, so really; Don't go telling Fernando will you? Luca told me in the strictest confidence.”

“Of course. No. Sure Seb I wont say, but _blimey_.”

“I know.”

“Isn't his contract until the end of next year?”

“I think so.”

“So they'd have to pay him off. Again.”

“Yeah. I guess. I don't know. He might have some kindof performance clause in his contract that would get them out of it. Luca didn't exactly go into it.”

“Yeah, of course. Right.”

 

Mark shook his head. Maybe Ferrari had learnt their lesson from a few years ago.

“I mean if you think you've had problems, that's nothing to Kimi. He's barely showed up this year. Ferrari must be furious,” continued Mark.

“Hmm, I dunno. They can't be happy I suppose.”

“Has he said anything?” asked Mark.

“Who?”

“Kimi.”

“Oh, umm, not really.”

Mark thought it was odd. Sebastian didn't seem to care what Kimi thought. He didn't seem at all interested in the fact that it was his seat that Ferrari were offering, potentially spelling the end of Kimi's career in F1. He'd thought the two were friends and he'd seen them chatting when they were together at races, usually on the drivers' parade, but Seb never mentioned him, and come to think of it, whenever Mark had, Seb's reaction had been at best indifference.

Mark considered asking him about it, but that wasn't the issue at hand right now.

 

“So you're really thinking about Ferrari then?” asked Mark once more.

Sebastian shrugged again, “I don't know. Maybe. I mean things haven't been going great for me with RedBull this year, but Ferrari are no better; Their car's probably a few steps below us. Luca was talking up how much work they're putting into restructuring the team, but who knows how long that will take.”

“Yes, but then no one really knows how the field will be next year.”

“Yeah that's true. And I owe RedBull a lot. My whole career really.”

“Well you can't be too hung up on that. You don't owe RedBull. They got plenty from you. Four World Championships for starters.”

“I suppose.”

“No suppose about it Seb. You have to think of yourself. You need to decide what you want and not let emotion get in the way too much.”

“Christian's always been so supportive though, especially this year with everything. I don't know what I'd have done without his help.”

Mark nodded. “Well that's rather what I mean. You need to try to think of this more coldly. Christian wouldn't hold it against you on a personal level.”

“I guess. I don't know. They offered you a seat a while back didn't they?”

“Ferrari?”

“Yeah.”

“Mmm, they did.”

“And you turned them down.”

“I did,” admitted Mark.

“So why did you?”

Mark let out a long _pfffff_. “I did consider it. I mean Ferrari is _Ferrari_ , so that's pretty tempting, and I can tell you Fernando spent quite a bit of time trying to talk me into it.”

“Really?” Sebastian hadn't known about that.

“Oh yeah, he was very keen.”

Seb smiled, “and you chose to stay as my team-mate instead?”

Mark laughed. “Ha, yeah I have to be honest Seb, at the time that wasn't the deal-breaker.”

 

Seb nodded. It was so strange to think back to a time when they weren't like they were now. Sebastian felt as though those two estranged team-mates at RedBull were characters in a play, they were so removed from the people they were now. This felt so much more real to him than that could ever be.

“So why then?”

Mark opened out his hands. “I guess I was in a very different place in my career than you are now. I knew I only had a couple of years in F1 left, tops, and it would have meant a big shake-up of my life; another country, another language, a whole new team of people to get used to working with. I don't know, maybe staying with RedBull was the comfortable option.”

 

Sebastian squished his face from side to side as he mulled things over, which made Mark smile distractedly thinking how cute he was.

 

“It would be a big change, but the idea of Ferrari... I dunno, I guess as a kid growing up, Ferrari was _the_ team.”

“Of course.” Mark knew the draw of the romance of Ferrari on any Formula One driver was pretty potent.

“But you're right, I can't just switch because of the name. It would be a big deal. I mean, the language stuff for starters.”

“There's plenty of people from all over work at Ferrari, I swear half of them are English. Besides, do you think Kimi ever bothered to learn Italian?”

“Nope.”

“So I wouldn't worry about that.”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah, but Italy though...”

Mark stopped. “Italy?”

 

 _'Shit,'_ he thought, suddenly realising what Seb might mean.

“Oh, right. Would you, I mean would you think of going over there permanently?”

Sebastian looked at him confused for a moment. “Move there?”

“Umm, yeah.” Mark didn't think he wanted to hear the answer to this, he felt as though his stomach had taken a walk.

Seb shook his head. He'd never even considered that possibility.

“No. No way.” How could Mark even think that he'd leave?

“Oh right.” Mark tried to hide the relief in his voice.

“I've only just got settled here. I wouldn't want to move again. I like it here. I can't imagine leaving.”

 _I can't imagine not being with you,_ Seb didn't say. The very notion was horrible, he'd be miserable without Mark. The idea of not being able to at least see him as often as possible, to do this, just to hang out, to talk, to spend time doing things, to get to be with the dogs and feel like he was home. Even if this was it, even if they never got anything more than friendship, that was enough, it was more than enough, it was amazing. Sebastian thought he'd rather give up F1 altogether than lose that. The concept alone was upsetting.

 

Mark just nodded. He wished he could find a way to tell Seb how important it was to him that he stayed close. How much it had hurt just to have him move out of the house and a few miles down the road. That Sebastian might even consider moving to Italy was terrifying.

“Well, I'm glad about that,” managed Mark.

“Yeah?” tested Seb.

“Yeah of course. I like having you around. I'd miss you.”

 _Oh god,_ that had slipped out. Mark felt as though he'd just accidentally walked over the edge of a cliff and he was spinning his legs like the Road Runner in a cartoon.

Sebastian looked at Mark for a moment too long and then turned his attention to his mug of now cold tea.

“I'd miss you too,” Seb said quietly. He couldn't tell Mark just how much.

“I don't know what I'd do without you as my friend, you know?” Sebastian confessed.

 _Right,_ thought Mark. 'Friend'. Of course. He felt so depressed hearing the word.

 

Mark forced a smile. He looked over at the dogs asleep in their baskets. “I think those guys would be pretty gutted if you went too you know?”

Seb looked at them fondly. There was no way he'd be leaving.

“I'd feel the same way,” remarked Sebastian.

Mark just nodded again. He didn't know what to say. He felt so churned up inside.

“It's pretty late,” Mark found himself saying.

“Oh right, of course. Sorry.”

“No, no I mean this is important. If you want to stay and talk. You can always stay over if you like?”

Seb rubbed his face. “No, it's okay, you're right. It's really late. I'm tired. I'm not sure I'll be making any sense if we stay up talking.”

“I don't want to throw you out.”

“Of course you're not,” laughed Seb. “We can talk tomorrow, if you don't mind me going on about it?”

Mark shook his head. “You're not going on about it. It's a big decision. We can talk about it all you like.”

 

Sebastian started getting up.

As Mark stood in the hallway showing Sebastian out, he stopped to check.

“You still on for our run in the morning?”

“Sure. If you don't mind putting it back an hour. I really am pretty tired,” excused Seb.

“No problem. I mean we don't have to, if you don't want...”

“No I want to, of course I do. I just need a bit of sleep, that's all. I'll be fine tomorrow,” assured Sebastian.

He always missed their routine when he was away and looked forward to getting back to it. He didn't want to skip their run. He loved that they did things like that. He always enjoyed running around the corner in the lane to get to their meeting point and wondering if Mark would have been beaten him to it, pretending to be put out if he had, when in fact seeing Mark there waiting for him was already the highlight of his day.

 

Sebastian headed home thinking things over in the car. It really hadn't even occurred to him that he would move if he switched teams. There was no way he'd give this up.

 

Mark lay in bed thinking it over. He still felt shocked at the idea that Seb could be taken away from him. He wished he could tell him how important it was to him that he stay and why he wanted that, why he wanted Seb. But he couldn't. In the dark he huffed a little laugh, it would be a pretty selfish bit of timing on his part if he told Seb that just as he was considering an offer from another team and uprooting his career.

There was always a reason not to tell him.

Mark sighed and stared up at the dark ceiling. Even if Seb stayed, if he was driving for Ferrari that would mean a lot of travel back and forth to Maranello. It would eat up much of Sebastian's time and Mark wouldn't see him as often. Was it selfish of him to worry about that? If he was Seb's friend, if he really cared about him, didn't he owe him as much impartial advice he could give him? Of course he did. He had to put Seb first. He wanted to.

So why was it keeping him awake?

 

 

Over the next few days they talked about it a lot. Mark tried his best to remain impartial, to be a true friend to Seb, he told him he'd understand if Sebastian wanted to move to a new team in order to have a fresh start, but he couldn't help sharing some of his negative opinions; that Seb would spend more time travelling, that it would be a big adjustment to a different mentality, that there was a particular kind of pressure to being a Ferrari driver.

 

 

It was a week later and they were sat up on the bench at the top of the hill where they walked the dogs, discussing the possible move again.

 

“How would you feel about being Fernando's team-mate?” asked Mark.

“Yeah, I have been thinking about that. It would be weird. Especially seeing as we were fighting each other for the championship for years.”

“Well we fought for a championship too,” offered Mark.

Seb laughed. “Yeah, god I forget that sometimes. It seems like a lifetime ago.”

“Yeah doesn't it?” agreed Mark with a smile. Several lifetimes ago.

“I'm sure we could work together. I mean you always say Fernando's a good guy.”

“Hmm, yeah. He is, and he's my friend. But...” Mark hesitated, knowing he was about to say something negative again. But it was the truth. He owed Seb the truth.

“Seb you know Fernando is a competitive animal. He's pretty ruthless. He's got Ferrari wrapped around his finger. I'm not sure Kimi ever stood a chance of getting them working for him. Felipe certainly didn't.”

Sebastian nodded thoughtfully. It was a pretty honest assessment of his own friend by Mark and it sounded accurate from all he knew.

 

“I have to admit I did think about that when they offered me the seat,” added Mark.

“Yeah?”

“Not that you aren't pretty good at getting a team behind you yourself Seb,” continued Mark with a little raise of his eyebrow acknowledging just how much he knew that to his cost.

Seb nodded. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

“No, that's how it goes. I'm just saying you need to be aware of it, and Ferrari has a tendency to be, you know, kind of political.”

“Of course.” Sebastian didn't really go in for politics, he just wanted to get in the car and drive, he wasn't interesting in playing games out of it.

“I'm not saying you wouldn't do great there Seb. I mean I know Fernando's talked to other teams as well. You could wind up with a different team-mate altogether, and any other driver I'm sure would be your number two.”

“Hmm, you know I'm not even sure I want that.”

“What?”

“Number one status.”

Mark gave dry laugh. _Not bad for a number two driver._

“Oh come on Seb. You know that's how it was at RedBull.”

Seb frowned. “We were equal. We never had one and two status at the team Mark.”

Mark looked at him genuinely astonished. “Seb, you don't really believe that?”

Seb shrugged. “I never thought of you as different.”

Mark shook his head in amazement. “Seb you have to know the team favoured you? I'm not bitter about it, but really Seb, the car last year was built for you. That's why it bloody fell apart half the time when I used it.”

 

Sebastian felt suddenly guilty. He did know that of course and he had worked to get as much for himself as possible when they were both at the team.

“Yeah I guess. I'm sorry Mark. I do know that. I was just so self-absorbed I didn't think about how it was for you at all. I never properly thought about how much I demanded of the team. I was very selfish.”

Mark sighed. “I'm not complaining Seb. It's just how it was.”

Seb frowned. “It wasn't always like that was it? I didn't think so.”

“No,” admitted Mark. “It happened gradually I think, but there came a point where I knew that was the score.” He gave a little laugh, “besides Marko could never stand me, so it was no surprise when he made you his little golden boy.”

“Oh god you make that sound creepy!”

“Yeah well.” Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Urgh. Well I'm not that any more am I?”

“Friad not, no. Marko's idea of loyalty leaves something to be desired doesn't it?”

“He's got no loyalty,” concurred Sebastian.

“So you don't owe him any. If that what bothers you about leaving the team?”

“No. It certainly wouldn't be to him. To Christian and Adrian and all the guys, maybe, but I wouldn't miss him.”

“Well that's something we have in common anyway,” smiled Mark.

“Mmm, yeah.”

 

Seb contemplated the view for a moment as Mark threw some sticks out for the dogs.

“I am sorry about how things were when we team-mates,” repeated Seb. He often wondered how Mark could forget all that.

Mark shook his head. Seb was looking up at him with those damn big blue eyes of his. How could he hold anything against him when he looked at him like that? No wonder the team had given him anything he wanted for so long.

Mark pushed his arm into Sebastian's and gave him a friendly look.

“it doesn't matter any more Seb. It's water under the bridge, okay?”

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” said Mark firmly. He didn't want Sebastian worrying about the past. It didn't matter.

“None of that is important Seb. I don't care about the past. I only care about the future. That's what's important.”

Seb looked at him thinking what a great attitude that was.

“Yeah, you're right.”

“Besides, that stuff back then. It was about the team, not you really anyway.”

“Apart from a few exceptions...” Seb gave cheeky little smile, knowing he was pushing his luck.

“Hmm, yeah, apart from those,” admitted Mark. “Let's just call them a write-off, shall we?”

“Good idea.”

 

Seb looked at Mark again as he petted the dogs returning with their prized sticks.

“You know I really did never think of you as anything, you know, less than...”

“Less than?”

“You know, a number two driver. I really didn't think of you like that,” insisted Sebastian.

“No, well, good I guess.”

“I was sort of in awe of you when I joined,” admitted Seb.

“Awe?” repeated Mark with a teasing look on his face.

“Yeah, well obviously I didn't know you properly back then,” grinned Sebastian.

Mark laughed, “Oh, well that's alright then.”

 

Seb smiled. He thought about that stupid kid who'd looked over the garage at the grown-up in the other car and how much he wanted to impress him, how much he'd wanted to make Mark like him. How long ago all that seemed.

“Come on,” interrupted Mark. “I'm starving. Lunch should be about ready now.”

 

They clipped the leads on to the dogs and headed back to check the lunch cooking in the oven wasn't burning.

They walked along to the house through the bright autumn countryside. It was so nice to do this; the perfect way to spend a Sunday off. Neither one of them could imagine wanting a different life.

 

 

 

Two days later Sebastian came over to Mark's again, straight from working on race preparations at the factory. The next day the two would both be heading off for races on opposite sides of the world and they'd be about as far away from one another as they could possibly be.

 

They spent much of dinner talking about their respective team race preparations; Seb had been getting him to explain more about how things worked with Porsche and how they were different. Sebastian in turn had told Mark how things were looking for RedBull for the last part of the season.

 

“I think I've decided by the way,” stated Sebastian.

“Hmm?”

“Ferrari,” Seb clarified.

“Ah. You _think_ you've decided?” questioned Mark, wondering whether he was going to like the decision.

“No I have decided. I'm not moving. I'm going to stay at RedBull.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Mark paused. “Seb, I've not been putting you off have I? I'd hate to think I'd talked you out of it.” He knew his reasons for not wanting Seb to go were at least partly selfish.

“No, it's okay. I think you just confirmed a lot of stuff I already knew. It's really helped talking about it with you.”

“Okay, so..?”

“Yeah, I mean I was working with the team today, I just suddenly knew I didn't want to go. It's not just because it's familiar and comfortable.”

“I wouldn't suggest that it was,” imparted Mark.

“No, not you, but some people might. Anyway I don't care. What I mean is, I like working with them and even though we're having problems at the moment, I don't want to leave. I'm happy there. We were talking about plans and making a start on next year's car, and I want to be a part of that.”

“They all sound like good reasons.”

“And I like working with Daniel, even if he is annoyingly happy all the time and keeps winning.”

“I can see how that would be annoying,” joined Mark. He was having trouble hiding how happy he was to hear that Sebastian was staying.

“Anyway, so I'm gonna let them know at some point this weekend; Ferrari that is.”

“Uh huh.”

 

Seb smiled. It was a relief to have decided. Only time would tell if it was the right call in terms of his career, but it felt right, and a big part of Seb just wanted to be happy and this decision made him feel happy and more settled, and that was what he needed right now.

 

 

It was after dinner as they sat in the lounge half watching something on TV that Sebastian mentioned something that had been bothering him.

 

“Mark, you really won't mention all this Ferrari stuff to anyone will you?”

“Of course not Seb. Who would I mention it to?”

“I don't know. I just don't want it to be gossip, you know how things get around.”

“I do. I won't be telling anyone Seb,” assured Mark.

“Not even Fernando?” worried Sebastian.

“No one. Don't you trust me?”

“Of course I do. Sorry. Of course I trust you. I'm just being silly.”

“It's fine. But you don't need to worry Seb, alright? If I say something, I mean it.”

Seb nodded. He knew that. Mark was entirely solid, he had nothing to worry about.

 

“I don't suppose Kimi would be too chuffed if he heard about it,” offered Mark.

“Mmm,” dismissed Sebastian, pretending to concentrate on what was playing on the television.

“I guess you're not very likely to tell him,” continued Mark.

“Huh?” Seb really hadn't heard that last.

“Kimi. I don't suppose you're going to tell him?” repeated Mark.

“Oh. No,” confirmed Sebastian briefly.

Mark frowned. Sebastian didn't seem in the least interested in Kimi in all this. It was so odd. He couldn't work it out.

“You know, I thought you two were friends?”

Sebastian shrugged. “We are I guess.”

“You guess?”

Sebastian drank a sip of his water.

“He's not the friend I thought he was,” admitted Seb.

Mark turned his head to properly look at Sebastian.

“What does that mean?” asked Mark.

 

Sebastian stared at his water on the coffee table for a minute before deciding something and turning as he sat, pulling his knees around so he was curled up facing Mark, leaning sideways against the back of the sofa.

Mark looked at him and frowned, he turned a little more so he could face Seb.

“What is it?” asked Mark. He suspected it couldn't be good, so little of Sebastian's past was good it was a fair bet this wasn't either. “Did something happen between you two?”

 

Seb was staring at his hands as he fiddled one nail against another. He glanced up at Mark, he was such a good listener, he never judged him or made him feel bad, Seb had told him so many things, so many worse things than this, what would one more thing be?

Mark was just looking at Seb, waiting. If Sebastian wanted to tell him something he would do it in his own time, Mark wouldn't push him.

“Yeah you could say that,” admitted Seb.

 

Sebastian let out a long puff of air and closed his eyes for a moment. He could do this, he could remember the things that had happened without falling apart. Dr. Menton had been working on that with him a lot lately; remembering without re-living. Of course that didn't make it altogether less painful, and this, this had hurt Sebastian to his core.

“We _were_ friends, Kimi and I, at least I thought we were, and we sortof still are I suppose, but it's not the same. Something did happen. It was pretty horrible.”

Mark gave a little nod, just once he'd like for Sebastian to have a story to tell from his past that was a happy one.

 

Seb took a deep breath and let it out. He was going to talk about this and stay calm. It was in the past, it couldn't hurt him now.

“We were in Abu Dhabi. Last year I mean,” started Sebastian.

“Uh huh,” encouraged Mark.

“The Saturday night Heikki decided we were going out. There's a club in the complex there, by the harbour.”

“Yeah,” Mark knew the one he meant.

“I didn't really want to go, it was the night before a race, but...”

 _But choice didn't come into it back then,_ thought Mark.

 

“He'd decided, so we went. We were there a while, sat in one of those booths around the edge. I wouldn't normally drink at all before a race, but he bought a couple of beers, so I drank them. I guess I was nervous, wondering what it meant, us being there.”

Mark nodded again. Sebastian doubtless had good reason to be nervous.

“I remember I went to the bathroom and when I came back he sent me to the bar and told me to wait there for him.”

Sebastian looked down at his hands as he interlinked his fingers distractedly.

“I sat at the bar for a bit, thinking he'd come over, so I got a couple more bottles, waiting, but he didn't appear. I thought maybe he was testing me in some weird way.”

Seb looked up at Mark.

Mark wasn't sure what he should say. “Right, so, umm was he?”

“He was getting rid of me for a bit, because when I could see past all the people across to where we'd been sitting, I could see Heikki was still sat there, and sat with him was Kimi.”

“Kimi?”

“Yeah. I don't quite know when he'd arrived, or if he'd been in there before. I didn't see him go over, he was just sat there where I'd been, and they were just talking and laughing.”

Mark raised his eyebrows. “Wow, okay I take it you'd never said anything to Kimi?”

“No, he had no idea. I'd never told anyone.”

Mark creased his brow, “but you two were friends. He really hadn't noticed anything?”

Sebastian shrugged. “We didn't see as much of each other as we used to, and we never, I don't know, it wasn't like we ever had deep talks or anything, he just used to make me laugh when we were hanging out at races and stuff, so...”

“So he didn't know who he was dealing with?” suggested Mark.

“No.” Seb took another deep breath. This was hard, but he had to try to stay detached and just describe what happened, not _live it_ over again.

 

“From where I was sat I saw the waitress bring over a bottle of something, I'm not sure what, I think it might have been some Finnish vodka, or, I don't know, some kind of spirits anyway, and they started drinking, I mean a lot.”

“And you didn't go over?” queried Mark.

“God no. I didn't dare. I couldn't stand thinking what Heikki might be saying to Kimi about me. Maybe they weren't even talking about me at all, probably not. Anyway I just sat there and only got glimpses through the crowd across the dancefloor. I didn't know what to do and I didn't dare leave, so I just drank the beer and sat there waiting.”

“So what happened?” prompted Mark.

“Nothing, for quite a while, they were sat there ages and they kept drinking more and more. I even heard them occasionally; they must have been pretty loud, but it was in Finnish and I don't know enough of it to understand what they were talking about. They were being very friendly and I saw Heikki pat him on the back a little bit.”

“That must have been pretty awful to see,” commented Mark.

Sebastian nodded. “I think they were playing some kind of drinking game because Heikki kept waiting for Kimi to drink up and eventually I saw him give Kimi the bottle and he downed the rest.”

“Of vodka?” Mark was surprised at even Kimi doing that hours before a race.

“Well I don't know what it was was, but yeah, whatever,” accepted Sebastian.

“Anyway,” Seb continued. “It was getting busier in there as it was pretty late by then and I couldn't see so well as the dancefloor filled up. I just sat at the bar, waiting, trying to avoid looking at anyone who came too near me.”

Mark sighed internally. He though that said a hell of a lot; that Seb was so intimidated by Heikki, even on the other side of a room, that he was too afraid to even look at people, or go and do something he'd not had permission for.

 

Seb took a stilling breath again and squeezed his hands tight together, before diving in.

“I was just sat there on this stool, and it was so busy I didn't even realise at first that it was Kimi who was stood by me. I looked up and he behaving so strangely, like he couldn't look me in the eye, and then...”

Sebastian swallowed hard before continuing.

“...he sort of grabbed my arm and leant in and kissed me.”

 

Mark's eyes widened in shock. “He _what?_ Kimi? Kimi kissed you?”

 

Sebastian felt his heart clutch, it was so shameful, even now nearly a year later. He closed his eyes.

“Yes. And I, _oh god,_ I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked and it was like everything stood still for a minute and all the other people in the club disappeared and everything was quiet and he was just kissing me and, and I, I kissed him back,” Seb stammered over the last part, he could hardly bring himself to say the words.

 

Seb chanced looking at Mark, who still seemed slightly stunned.

“The things is, I guess I kindof liked Kimi a little bit, you know and even though I was sure there was no chance he'd ever like me back like that, just for that moment I thought I'd been wrong and that he must like me after all,” confessed Sebastian.

“Well if he kissed you then...” Mark started, still amazed at what he was hearing.

Sebastian gave a bitter little smile. “No. You see it was really only for a second that it lasted, and when I kissed him back, he let go of my arm and pulled away. I was so stunned that for a moment that I just kind of stared at him as if I couldn't believe it was really Kimi, but then I remembered about Heikki and I panicked, looking for him, over where he'd been sat.”

“Had he seen?” checked Mark.

“He wasn't there,” stated Seb.

Seb gave a tiny, almost laugh. ”I thought for a moment that I'd got away with it, but then he appeared behind Kimi and he just slapped his hand down on Kimi's shoulder making him jump and then he looked at me and he smiled.”

 

“He smiled?” Mark knew this was bad.

Sebastian nodded. “I felt like I was glued to the spot. I could hardly look at Kimi and he suddenly looked awful and he couldn't look me in the eye at all. Heikki started talking to him in Finnish and I was trying to understand, I think it was about having done something, but I'm not sure. Heikki moved in closer so he was between the two of us, and I knew something was going on, but I was so confused.”

Oh god that moment, before he realised, before he understood; Sebastian had felt as though he was sitting above a trapdoor, he knew he was surely going to drop, the waiting was almost worse than the fall.

“Then they said some more stuff in Finnish and I kept looking at Kimi, I felt so stupid because I couldn't understand what was happening, but the way Heikki looked, like he'd just achieved some kind of victory, it made me so _afraid._..” Seb let out a shaky breath before carrying on, “and I was right, he _had_ won something, whatever game they were playing. Heikki had won. Maybe he was always going to win, I'm not sure, maybe he cheated somehow.”

 

Seb looked up at Mark and tipped his head to the side for a second. “It was all just a game you see; Heikki kept looking at me while he told Kimi he should explain.”

“Explain?”

“He just sort of mumbled that he'd lost a bet and the forfeit was a dare, that Heikki had made him do it.”

Mark's face was frozen. Heikki had been playing some fucked-up drinking game to get Kimi to do this. Jesus. To do this to Seb, just to humiliate him and mess him up. _Christ._

 

“I couldn't believe what I was hearing,” carried on Sebastian. “Kimi was sort of slurring his words and leaning against the bar. God knows how much he'd had to drink, but he wasn't really making any sense, or maybe I just couldn't keep up, because I felt as though the whole room was starting to spin and I wanted to get out of there and get some air, but I couldn't do that, I couldn't move.”

“No,” agreed Mark sympathetically. Sebastian was just a pawn in Heikki's game, he had no independence.

“And then Kimi just sort of said he was sorry, but that it had been a fair bet and he'd had no choice, and then he stumbled off. He must have been wasted because he nearly fell over the stool trying to get away.”

“I'm sure he couldn't run away fast enough,” said Mark angrily. He couldn't believe Kimi could do a thing like that to someone who was supposed to be his friend. He wondered if Kimi had had any idea that Seb liked him.

“God, Seb, that's a horrible thing to have happened. He really is a devious, manipulative bastard.” Mark rested his hand on Seb's knee.

 

Seb leant his head against the back of the sofa cushion. “It was to punish me, you see. He didn't like that I spent time with Kimi, he didn't like that we were friends, and I think he must have known that I'd wanted more.”

“So he decided to take him away from you,” confirmed Mark sadly.

Sebastian nodded. “But that wasn't even the worst of it.”

 

How could there be anything worse wondered Mark, wasn't that bad enough?

 

Sebastian closed his eyes, remembering; “As soon as Kimi had gone, I knew I was in trouble. Heikki stopped smiling and he moved in close, so no one around could hear and he was whispering in my ear, telling me how he'd been watching, how he'd seen me kissing Kimi back, what a stupid little slut I was, how pathetic, how idiotic I was for ever thinking Kimi might really like me.”

Sebastian breath caught and Mark grabbed a hold of his hand and squeezed it tight. Seb opened his eyes and looked at Mark's hand before looking up at Mark properly.

“He's a proper bastard Seb, he made that happen just so he could do that to you, just so he could make you feel like shit, because he got off on doing that.”

 

Seb nodded sadly. He knew Mark was right. It didn't make it any less painful though. He had been stupid to think Kimi might really like him, even if it was only for second when he'd kissed him. For a crazy moment he'd allowed himself to believe it was real, that it was possible he might get something good for once, but he should have known better.

 

“He had to make you feel small and unhappy, to try to make himself feel that he was something, Seb. He's a pathetically screwed-up piece of shit,” said Mark with feeling.

“It worked though,” admitted Sebastian, “I was so fucking scared of him, because I knew then how totally he controlled everything and how powerless I was to do anything about it, and I knew I was in trouble, because it _had_ been a test, just like I'd known deep down when he'd sent me over to the bar, and I'd failed.”

 

Seb took a shaky breath and tried to focus on Mark's hand tightly holding onto him, reminding him that he was safe, that he was here now, that all this was ancient history.

“He pulled me off the stool and I was so bloody terrified I could hardly walk; I kept tripping up as he dragged me across the room. He took me into the bathroom and I thought I was going to throw up I was so damn scared of what he was going to do.”

 

Mark felt sick himself, he prayed it wasn't what it could be. He swallowed before asking.

“What happened?”

Sebastian was quiet for a moment.

“Seb you don't have to carry on, it's okay,” reassured Mark.

Sebastian rubbed his face with his free hand.

“No, it's okay, he just, he just sort of wanted to have a proper go at me. He shoved me up against the wall; I remember how bright it was in there and how the light hurt my eyes; I couldn't stop looking at it, because I was too afraid to look at him.”

“He didn't do anything more?” checked Mark anxiously.

“He didn't hit me. I thought he would, but maybe because it was a public place, I don't know, he just kindof kept me against the wall, staying right up in my face. I didn't even struggle, he didn't need to hold onto me, I just stood there while he said all this awful stuff; calling me all these names, calling me a whore, telling me how stupid I was for thinking anyone would ever want me.”

Sebastian was speaking much too fast, and he'd closed his eyes. Mark was worried.

“Seb it's okay. Seb look at me. It's okay.”

 

Sebastian obeyed and looked right at Mark. He took a deep steady breath. It was all in the past. It was over. He wasn't going to let Heikki do that to him any more.

Seb took another shaky breath.

“Are you alright?” asked Mark.

Sebastian nodded. “I'm okay, sorry, it's just I haven't thought about this in a long time.”

“Of course not. God, no bloody wonder.” Mark squeezed his hand again and looked to see that Sebastian was breathing properly. He seemed to be doing alright.

 

Mark had thought Sebastian had finished, but he carried on.

“I thought we were alone in there and maybe Heikki did too, because when one of the toilet doors opened he kind of froze in front of me, and neither of us even moved as the person came out, and then I saw; it was Kimi.”

“Shit, what happened?”

“He looked like hell. I think he must have been throwing up, because he wiped at his face as he kind of stumbled out, and then he caught my eye and it was as if we were all frozen for a moment, but then he just got across the room and left.”

“He left?” Mark was horrified.

Sebastian nodded.

“Fuck, Seb, he just left? He just _left_ you there?”

 

Mark couldn't get his head around it. How could Kimi have seen what was happening and walk away? How could he leave Sebastian to his fate? How could someone who was supposed to be his friend see him in trouble and not even try to help. Not do anything? Just run out on him like that?

Seb nodded tightly.

“I don't,” Mark blinked and shook his head as if he was trying to make his brain compute properly, “I don't understand. He saw you? He saw what was happening?”

Sebastian shrugged and looked down, “I don't know what he saw really, he was very drunk; he could hardly stand.”

“But you said he looked you in the eye Seb. He looked at you, he must have seen. You said Heikki had you up against the damn wall.” Mark was getting angrier thinking about it; there was no way Kimi could have missed seeing what was going on.

“He, he didn't have a hold of me or anything, he was just stood there,” explained Seb, “I don't know how it looked to Kimi.”

“But he was in there the whole time, he must have heard what Heikki was saying to you?”

“I don't know,” admitted Sebastian.

 

Mark shook his head disbelievingly. He didn't buy that Kimi could have not heard anything, he didn't think it was possible Kimi could have misinterpreted the scene he'd witnessed. There was no way he could have looked at Sebastian and seen anything other than fear on his face. And he'd fucking _walked away_ and abandoned Seb.

“Christ, how could he do that? I don't understand how anyone could do that, even if they were a complete stranger, how they could leave and not try to help you.”

Sebastian took another deep breath trying to keep himself levelled out. He wasn't going to think about how afraid he'd been, he wasn't going to think about how for a fraction of a second Kimi's eyes had met his and a moment later he'd betrayed him.

 

“The next day I saw him on the drivers' parade and he looked like shit. He barely spoke to anyone, but he stood by me for a bit and just said he'd drunk too much the night before and didn't really remember anything.”

Mark scoffed. “He said didn't remember anything?”

“He was really very drunk,” excused Sebastian.

“I don't care how drunk he was. There's no fucking way he didn't remember.” Bit Mark angrily. “He's a coward Seb. He let himself be manipulated by that son of a bitch. Christ, he went along with kissing you and messing with your head like that just for a stupid fucking bet, when you had no idea it was another of that bastard's little games, and then when he saw you were in real trouble he walked out on you because he couldn't handle it.”

 

Mark wanted to go find Kimi right this instant and confront him about it. He'd let him make his mumbled excuses about being drunk and not remembering what happened and then he'd tell him he was a liar and a coward and no kind of friend at all. And then he'd quite like to take him by the neck and twist it until his stupid mumbling head popped off.

The cartoon image in Mark's head was almost funny, but this wasn't funny at all. Jesus.

 

Sebastian shrugged again, looking away from Mark's eyes, shying away from the anger in them even though he knew wasn't aimed at him.

Seb spoke; “I guess. I don't know.”

“You never challenged him about it?”

Sebastian shook his head. Hardly surprising he hadn't really, thought Mark. Seb wasn't in any kind of place where he could do that back then.

“I didn't see him for a long time after that. He was out of the race almost straight-away and he left the circuit. After that he didn't come back for the last few races and it was months before I saw him again.”

“Right,” acknowledged Mark. “I'd forgotten about that.” Kimi really had run away as far as he could go.

“And by the time I saw him again, I don't know, everything had changed. All that was over and I was staying with you and things were so much better. I just wanted to forget all about what had happened.”

“So you just forgave him and carried on being friends?” asked Mark in disbelief.

Seb sighed, “I didn't say that. I mean we're friendly I guess and we carry on at races like we used to, like it never happened. Mostly because it's easier that way, and because he does still make me laugh sometimes, but no, he's not really my friend. I could never trust him again after that.”

 

Mark almost laughed, “bloody hell Seb, your ability to rationalise and compartmentalise things is fucking amazing. I don't know how you do it.”

Seb shrugged. “I don't so much any more. Back then it was just a way of getting through, you know? It was how I lived my life.” It was how he survived.

Mark nodded, then he remembered, “Christ, you won the bloody race that day. How did you do that?”

“I just drove. Honestly Mark it was that simple; getting into the car and racing was he easiest bit of my life back then. It was the best bit of my life, maybe the only good bit. When I pulled down the visor, everything else went away, almost as if it didn't exist.”

Mark shook his head in amazement. It really was remarkable.

Seb gave a small smile. “I wish it was still that simple. Nothing seems to work when I drive any more.”

“Oh Seb, it's not that bad, it just seems that way in comparison.”

“Hmm, maybe. I don't know. I guess given the choice, I'd take things being this way around.”

“Huh?”

“Shit time in the car, good out of it,” clarified Seb.

“Oh. Oh I see, yeah, well...”

 

Seb looked up at Mark who had leant his head against the back of the sofa opposite him.

“You've no idea, how bad it was after that. I'd never felt so alone in my whole life.”

“I'm sorry Seb. I think that's exactly what he wanted,” Mark confirmed sadly. Heikki's malicious little scheme to completely isolate Sebastian had worked perfectly. Once Kimi was gone, Seb really had no one to turn to.

 

Mark thought about how unfriendly their relationship had been at that point, how he'd barely given Sebastian the time of day half the time when they were together in the garage. If he'd only known what Seb was going through; if he'd paid any attention to him, surely he would have seen that something was wrong? Mark couldn't think how he'd been so blinkered.

“Seb, I know that back then, you and I weren't friends, that everything was pretty messed up between us at the team, but I want you to know, that even then, even when we weren't friends at all, I'd never have done that. I'd never have seen you so blatantly in trouble and just walked out on you.”

“I know,” confirmed Sebastian. “You didn't.”

“Hmm?”

“You didn't walk out on me. You found me in trouble, in a bathroom and everything, and you didn't leave me alone there. You stayed. You saved me.”

Seb squeezed Mark's hand so tight, it was as if he'd been holding on to it all this time, ever since Mark had come to him and helped him, he'd never really let go.

 

Mark's mouth opened a little in shock. He hadn't seen the parallel, but of course...

“But I didn't really do anything then Seb.”

Mark still felt guilty about that. He'd let Sebastian go back to Heikki because he didn't know what else to do. He should never have done that. When he looked back he couldn't understand how he had let that happen. He should have got Seb away as soon as he discovered what was going on. Instead he'd let him walk back to him and it had been over a month before Seb had been desperate enough to turn up on his doorstep and Mark had finally been able to do what he should have done earlier.

 

“Yes you did. Oh Mark, don't you realise what that meant? You gave me hope. I was so fucking desperate by that stage, I didn't know what to do. I thought there was no one I could trust, that there was no way out, that nobody cared. Honestly, things were getting so bad, I really don't know what I would have done...”

“Seb don't say that,” interrupted Mark.

That was a terrible thought. Bad as it was that he hadn't done enough to help Sebastian when he'd come across him in that bathroom in Brazil, even worse was the idea that he might never have walked in there, that he could have not found out what was going on. What would have happened to Sebastian in that case didn't bare thinking about.

“You know I think maybe I ended up in that bathroom hoping someone would walk in and find me, that they'd have to ask what was going on, that maybe someone would help me.”

Seb gave Mark a small smile, “I'd never have thought it would be you.”

Mark smiled back and replied softly. “Me neither. Maybe it was fate?”

“You don't believe in that kind of thing,” countered Sebastian.

“No, well maybe I'll make an exception.”

“Just this once?”

“Just this once.”

 

Mark looked at Sebastian and wondered if it really was fate. Was it fate that he'd been the one to find him? Was it fate that he'd been in when Seb had turned up on his doorstep needing his help? Was all this in the hands of fate? Like the capricious racing gods? They'd never favoured Mark much over the years. Wasn't he owed one, somewhere down the line? He'd take _this_ one, given the choice. If he got one bit of luck, one moment when fate ran in his favour, he'd take this; he'd take Seb. It was the one thing he was asking for; Just this, just Seb.

 

“I'm glad it was you,” said Sebastian.

“Hmm?” asked Mark distractedly.

“That found me.”

“Oh. Me too.”

 

Sebastian tipped his head forward closer towards Mark, and Mark echoed his movement. Seb closed his eyes and rested the top of his forehead right against Mark's. Seb felt so connected to him, there was nothing between them, nothing he couldn't trust Mark with.

They were so close Mark could feel Seb's breath upon his face. They were so close, so close. All it would take was...

 

A small furry head suddenly appeared on Seb's lap and another pushed up against him. Out of nowhere the dogs had let themselves into the room from the kitchen.

Seb pulled away from Mark, yanked back into reality and away from the fantasy of what he thought could have happened in that moment.

Mark sat up stiffly. He inwardly glared at the dogs. They had the worst fucking timing in the world.

 

Sebastian felt slightly embarrassed, he realised that he'd almost thrown himself at Mark then.

 

“It's late, I really should go,” excused Seb, looking at his watch.

“No, you don't have to,” tried Mark.

“I've got a flight to catch in the morning, and so have you. I really should go.”

Sebastian petted the dogs as he got up.

 

Mark watched helplessly as Seb rubbed his hand through his hair, trying to wake himself up a bit to drive home. He couldn't understand why he didn't just tell him to stay, why he didn't grab him right then? Why couldn't he just tell him that if he kissed Seb it would be for real and it would never be a game to him, that Seb could trust him like he'd never trusted anyone ever before? Oh god there was so much he wanted to tell him. It was all too much.

 

Mark numbly showed Sebastian out and gave him a chaste but heartfelt hug on the doorstep as they said their goodbyes.

In a few hours time they would be on opposite sides of the world and they'd be back to phone calls and texts and different time-zones and missing one another in every possible way.

 

Mark waved goodbye and shut the door as Sebastian drove away. He leant his back up against the door and thought that fate hated him just as much as the racing gods ever had.

What the hell did he have to sacrifice to appease the fates? Just _once_ to get things right with Seb and not foul it up and lose another chance?

The dogs were lurking in the hallway from saying goodbye to Sebastian as well. Mark gave them a very unappreciative look and thought they might make pretty good sacrifices right now.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am evil...


	24. Tokyo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just need a break

 

Mark and Sebastian returned from their respective races both aware that their schedules were only going to get more chaotic as the racing year chased its tail around the world as it reached it's conclusion. Neither one of them could look at F1 and WEC calendars without feeling slightly depressed at the realisation that they were hardly going to see one another as the months wore on.

They spent the end of September trying to make the most of their time in one another's company; doing all the routine fun activities that made up their life outside of racing: running to the coffee shop, taking long bike rides, walking the dogs, using the gym and pool at Sebastian's and eating meals together, fitting this around their commitments to race preparation with their teams.

It was a few days before Sebastian had to leave for his next race and they sat eating dinner at his house following a swim in the pool in lieu of any other activity given the incessant rain outside. As they finished, Mark brought up an idea he'd been wondering about.

 

“So I was thinking,” Mark started.

“Hmm?” asked Seb absently as he snuck leftovers to the dogs (Mark had brought them with him in the vain hope it might clear up and they could take them out for a walk later).

“You're going straight to Russia from Japan, right?”

“Yeah, pretty much the only way really. I'd rather come back in-between, but that would be a pretty crazy route.”

“No, you'd be knackered mate, and besides I'm flying out mid-week anyway.”

“Uh huh.” Seb wondered where Mark was going with this.

“I'm due to be flying into Japan as you're leaving.”

“Mmm,” agreed Sebastian. It was all going to get a bit silly this dashing back and forth..

“So why don't I come out early and then I could watch you race the weekend before mine?”

 

Sebastian perked up. That was a great idea, they could fly out together. He hadn't been much looking forward to going away again, but it would be different if Mark was there.

“Really? That'd be fantastic. Do you think the team would mind?” asked Sebastian.

“Mine or yours?” queried Mark.

“Porsche. I know RedBull will be happy enough you're there.”

“Well there's nothing scheduled now until we're actually in Japan. I mean I'd have to clear it with them, but assuming it's fine, you reckon it's a good idea?”

“Brilliant. Yeah I'd really like that,” smiled Sebastian.

Mark smiled back. Seb looked so happy at the idea and it made him feel warm inside.

“Great, well I'll sort it. Do you think you could have a word and get it cleared with Christian?”

“Sure, but they'll be fine. Actually if you're not careful they'll have you working away doing more PR again Mark,” warned Sebastian.

 

Mark gave a little shrug. He didn't care if they did too much. Part of the reason he'd been happy to leave Formula One had to been to get away from all that, but mysteriously he didn't mind doing a bit of media work for the team if that was the price of getting to go along with Seb as much as he had this year.

 

“I was wondering as well,” continued Mark, “do you know when you've got to get over to Sochi?”

“Hmm?”

“I mean, when's your flight? Is it straight after the race, or...”

“Oh, yeah I'm not sure really.”

“Right, well, unless you have to be there for something right away, do you think they'd let you delay it a bit?”

“Umm, maybe. I think I'd need to be there by Wednesday, and it's a long flight, but Tuesday might be alright. Why?” asked Sebastian.

“Well I thought seeing as I'm going to be hanging around, you might like to do the same,” Mark hesitated for a moment, wondering what Sebastian would think to his suggestion. “I thought maybe we could hang out in Tokyo for a night or two, maybe look around a bit?”

He looked at Seb waiting for his reaction.

 

Sebastian beamed at him, answering enthusiastically. “That'd be really cool. We could be tourists. I never get to do that. Do you know Tokyo?”

Mark returned his grin. “Not well to be honest, but we could go get lost together, does that sound like fun?”

“That sounds great. Yeah we're definitely doing that. I'll talk to the team, I'm sure it'll be fine as long as I ask them nicely.”

“Right then,” finished Mark decisively, “we'll sort it tomorrow. Sorry boys,” he patted Shadow sat at his feet between them, “I'm afraid you can't come too.”

Sebastian pulled a pretend sad face for the dogs. “So unfair.” He gave them a consoling pat, but he couldn't help smiling. “We'll have to bring you a souvenir.”

 

Seb couldn't hide how thrilled he was at Mark's idea. He'd have Mark with him for a race weekend which was always great, but now they were going to have a little adventure in Japan. He never really got to see the countries he visited around the world for races. On his own the idea of wandering around a strange city, particularly one as alien as Tokyo, would be rather intimidating, but with Mark he'd be fine, it would be exciting.

 

Mark left that night feeling pleased with himself. It had been a good idea and Sebastian seemed very keen. He'd noticed that Seb had been starting to get a little down at the idea he was about to have to traipse off around the world again for who knew what likely result. Now he would have something else to focus on, and besides which Mark would be with him for the weekend, so whichever way the race went, Seb wouldn't be on his own and they could celebrate or commiserate together. They'd sort it all out tomorrow. Mark didn't care what the team thought of the idea. It was happening.

 

 

 

 

 

The evening after the race Mark and Sebastian sat on a bullet-train speeding from Suzuka to Tokyo.

The race result mattered less to Seb than the fact that he'd spent the past week waiting for this moment; just him and Mark alone together getting away from it all. He'd even casually asked a few of the media when they were taking the route so they didn't coincide. It felt as though the pair of them were sneaking away and that made even more appealing.

 

Mark sat back in his comfortable seat watching the Japanese countryside whizz by the window. He always loved the bullet-train, it was engineering at it's best; innovative and efficient. He could finally relax now after having spent the whole weekend worrying about how things were going for Seb. Now it felt as though they could be equal again in their little window of freedom before they headed off in different directions.

 

 

Arriving in Tokyo, they checked into their hotel and went out into the city to find somewhere to eat. Neither one of them really had any idea where they were going, but it didn't matter. It was so nice to feel freed up from schedules and constant commitments and expectations. Mark put a pin in the map on his phone so they didn't have to worry that they'd never find their way back again and they wandered off into the night.

It seemed having no Japanese language skills wasn't an impediment to getting by in the city as the locals all politely spoke English. Despite this they wound up in a restaurant having no idea what they were ordering from the menu. The pair of them sat there trying not to laugh for fear of offending their hosts, but somehow everything seemed funny and slightly ridiculous.

Sebastian sat poking at his meal; It was some sort of fish, quite _what_ sort he had no idea, but it tasted alright. Mark had ended up with soupy noodles of some kind with an indistinct oily meat floating in them, and was looking at the bowl with a distinctly apprehensive expression. Seb lost his battle to keep a straight face and sat there laughing for several minutes before offering to split his meal so they could go halves and neither one of them lost out to some questionable Japanese cuisine.

 

They managed to pay with Yen, despite having very little clue what it was really worth and headed back to the hotel for a reasonably early night after a long day. Mark was glad to see Sebastian so relaxed and happy to get away from everything and couldn't help being pleased with himself again for coming up with the idea to do this.

 

 

The next day they had arranged to get up early and use the gym before getting breakfast and heading out. Both Sebastian and Mark wanted to make the most of their time. They left the hotel it feeling as though they had stolen the day for themselves.

Seb had put on a plain cap and sunglasses and Mark teased him, asking if he thought he was going to get mobbed by fans. Seb wondered if he was being silly, but he explained that he just didn't want to be recognised. He didn't know how likely that was, but he didn't want their day interrupted and spoiled.

Mark considered briefly whether Sebastian didn't want to be seen with him, but he took Seb's point that he just wanted to be left in peace to make the most of their time and that seemed fair enough.

 

They set out with no particular plan. The whole point of the day was to play it by ear and see what happened. Before long they found themselves in a busy market selling all kinds of things; from the strange to the mundane. Everything seemed to amuse them, they were in such a good mood, and whilst the stall-holders paid them particular attention as tourists, no one seemed to recognise them, which was just what they wanted. The streets got even busier as it got later and Mark wished he could take Seb's hand and hang onto him in the crowds as they got jostled about at the busy crossings.

By late morning they'd found their way over to a stunningly beautiful park. There were plenty of other people there, but it seemed so still and tranquil. Seb wished he could magic himself there at the end of every race, preferably with Mark there too.

Mark suggested jumping on one of the trains and they headed over to visit the Meiji Shrine which the hotel receptionist had suggested. Sebastian would never have dared do this on his own, but nothing seemed scary with Mark by his side.

 

Returning to the city centre they tried some sushi sat at a funny little street-side restaurant where they sat up at the bar. They still didn't have much clue what they were eating, but one or two dishes looked familiar and while many were a little strange, none were bad, although Sebastian thought that the drink he had ordered must be composed mostly of sugar and food-colouring and he picked up a bottle of water from a street vendor as soon as he saw one, just to clear his throat.

They spent the latter part of the afternoon wandering around the shops. On one street there seemed to be a preponderance of young people dressed so bizarrely they put even the race fans at Suzuka to shame. Neither Seb nor Mark quite saw the appeal of dressing up as cartoon-type characters and the outfits looked pretty uncomfortable, but the kids seemed to love it, so who were they to judge? Seb even asked a couple if he could take their picture and they seemed thrilled, giggling throughout as he took a snap on his phone, and then Mark insisted that Seb got in the picture and took one on his own phone. Seb was fairly sure Mark was joking when he threatened to post the picture on Twitter, as he was certain that would blow their cover.

Walking around a mammoth department store they found some Japanese cartoon chew toys for the dogs. Mark stood back and let Sebastian pay, grinning as he waited to the side, watching Seb get so confused with the money that he ended up just holding out the cash in his hands and letting the assistant pick out the money she needed.

 

 

Getting back to the hotel, Sebastian was pretty sure he could go to sleep right then after such a full day, but there was no chance he was missing any time they had together, so they were only stopping for a brief change of clothes before going back out again.

As they ate dinner in yet another strange restaurant, Mark thought he'd come up with another bright idea.

“Do you fancy staying out?” asked Mark as they neared the end of their meal.

Seb raised his eyebrows. They never actually went _out_.

“Umm, yeah, why not,” answered Sebastian. He'd be knackered tomorrow, but who cared, he could sleep on the plane. “Where to?”

Mark shrugged. “Dunno. There's bars around here. We can try a few, see what they're like. What d'you reckon?”

Mark wondered if it was a dangerous idea. They'd had such a nice time today, it had been so relaxed and free from pressure. Mark couldn't help but admit to himself that there was a part of him that thought if he had a drink he might get the little extra confidence he needed to maybe, just maybe, see if he couldn't tell Sebastian how he felt about him. He didn't want to pin his hopes on it, but if the chance arose this time he was determined to take it.

 

“Yeah okay, sure,” answered Sebastian.

Seb couldn't explain it, but all of a sudden he felt nervous. They really never went out. They'd been for meals away at races, and spent almost all their free time together, but _out?_ That was new.

 

As they made their way out along the street together, Sebastian pushed away his disquiet. What was he worrying about? It was just him and Mark, like it always was, there was nothing to feel nervous about.

 

As they entered a noisy bar and found a table to sit at Sebastian managed to stop worrying and focus on enjoying himself. Last time he'd been out like this had been back in Canada and he'd spent half the night wishing Mark was there and now here he was. He wasn't going to spoil their time together by worrying.

He sank down a bottle of beer and forced himself to relax. Tonight was just about having fun and forgetting about all his concerns about his racing, about what the media said about him, about his past. He was just going to shut all thoughts of that down as if it didn't exist. No one had paid any attention to them all day and that was just how he liked it. They were just a couple of ordinary tourists, just two friends enjoying a drink.

 

The beer seemed to do it's work relaxing Sebastian and before long he really had forgotten about anything heavy and they were chatting away as they normally did, laughing about the weird and wonderful things they'd seen through the day and the oddest outfits they'd seen over the weekend amongst the fevered race fans who liked to show their support in their own peculiar way at Suzuka.

 

One beer became another and one bar the next, and Sebastian forgot he even _had_ anything to worry about. Everything seemed funny, everything seemed good. Especially being with Mark; Mark was the best thing about it. As he gained in confidence Seb stopped relying on Mark to take the lead all the time and as they moved on to another bar down another street it was Seb who decided where they were going next.

 

As they took a seat in a new bar Mark grinned as Sebastian plonked himself right down next to him. Seb seemed to be having a good time; it was so nice to see him happy like this. Mark was trying not to think too much about saying anything important. If he thought about it too much he'd never do it, so Mark pushed that to one side and concentrated on enjoying their evening together.

 

As they wandered out into the street again Seb spotted a karaoke bar and insisted that they try it. All Mark's protestations that he couldn't sing fell on deaf ears as Seb was not to be disappointed. Mark shook his head disapprovingly as they entered, but in truth he was thrilled to see Sebastian behaving so confidently.

Once in there it was no avoiding the inevitable, although Mark certainly wasn't getting up there on his own, so he ended up singing (the term could only be used loosely) alongside Sebastian, murdering a rendition of a Bon Jovi song selected for reasons Mark couldn't quite place. He looked out at the audience checking that no one was filming. If footage of him attempting karaoke ended up on YouTube Mark would simply have to move to North Korea and that would doubtless put rather a strain on his racing career.

Seb was having such a good time he chose to go back up there on his own to share his version of 'Strawberry Fields'. Mark was laughing so hard by the chorus he nearly snorted out the Japanese beer he was drinking. When Seb returned to his seat he accused Mark of mocking his valiant effort, but Mark knew he wasn't really annoyed, he knew Seb too well when he did this; Mark could see the smile in the corner of his eye all the while Sebastian berated him.

 

Mark started to wonder if it wasn't getting a bit late. He tried to tally up how many bottles of beer they'd had. Were they drunk? He didn't feel drunk, and they'd had a decent dinner. He didn't want the night to end just yet. Maybe just one more bar and then they'd call it quits?

 

 

As they settled into place in a booth in a far corner of the next bar, Mark wondered if he _should_ try talking to Seb tonight. He wasn't sure if it was the right time, but then it never seemed to be the right time. He couldn't tell if Seb was actually drunk or not, but he was certainly in a good mood and that was positive at least.

Mark had to wonder again if he wasn't drunk himself; everything around him did seem to have a slight glow to it, but maybe that was just the dim lighting in the bar. Maybe he _was_ a little drunk? He certainly wasn't sober, that was for sure.

He looked over at Sebastian and found himself drifting as he stared at him, thinking how no one would have believed this possible a year ago, certainly not himself. He suspected if anyone who knew who they were spotted the pair of them out tonight no one they told about it would believe that it was true. At this moment in time though Mark really didn't care if anyone did see them. He didn't care what anyone else thought. Only Seb. He only cared what Seb thought. He wondered what he was thinking right now.

 

“You're staring at me,” accused Sebastian.

“Hmm?” Mark shook himself internally. He _had_ been staring.

“No I'm not,” Mark fibbed. “I was just thinking.”

“Oh?”

“I'm glad we did this, I mean I'm glad I came out here early.”

“Yeah me too. It's like a little holiday.” Seb smiled at Mark. “Thanks.”

“What for?”

“For suggesting it. For taking the trouble.”

Mark frowned a little. “It's no trouble. I wanted to come. It's been fun, hasn't it?”

“Definitely,” agreed Sebastian. He held out his bottle and clinked it against Mark's.

“Seems a shame you have to dash off tomorrow,” admitted Mark. He wished he could say how sad he was going to be when Seb left.

“Mmm. I wish I could stick around longer, but...”

“Yeah.” Mark didn't want to think about the real world catching up with them again so soon.

They were quiet for a spell as they sipped their beer.

 

“Will we be racing at the same time this weekend?” asked Sebastian. “I've been trying to work it out, but the time-zones are so confusing.”

“Oh, umm, I'm not sure,” admitted Mark.

He ended up counting on his fingers trying to calculate it, but his brain was in no shape to work it out correctly right now. Sebastian laughed and offered his fingers to help count, but even between to the two of them it was beyond them right now.

“Maybe you can call me tomorrow night when you're there and it might make more sense,” suggested Mark.

“Yeah, I will, of course I'll call. Will you be doing anything?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh. “Nope. No one else will be here from the team until Wednesday so tomorrow night I'll just be sat around the hotel like some sad-sack on my own.”

 _'Moping about,'_ thought Mark, _'feeling lonely and pathetic once you're gone.'_

Sebastian pulled a sad face. “Well now I feel bad leaving you.”

Mark shook his head, “it's only one night Seb. I'm sure I'll cope.”

“I will call though,” promised Sebastian, then he stopped. “Oh. Oh no I wont. Hang on, I wont even be there by then. It's going to be Wednesday morning before I'm at the hotel. I don't know what time that will be here.”

“Right, of course. Well, never mind.” Mark stared at his beer. He felt stupidly disappointed at the knowledge he'd just be sat around on his own not even able to talk to Seb tomorrow night. He forced a smile. “This time-zones business is very confusing. By the end of November I'm not going to know where I am with it all.”

“Same here,” concurred Sebastian.

 

Next month was going to be hideous. They'd barely see one another at all.

 

Mark slumped back and finished off his beer. They should make the most of the time that they had. Like now. Like right now.

 

Sebastian sat there thinking about how he wanted to stay here all week with Mark rather than trek across the world again. It wasn't that he didn't want to race in Sochi; it would be interesting to try out a new track, but he could do with it not coming quite so soon. He'd like to be able to return the favour to Mark and stay to watch him race this weekend at Fuji. It seemed unfair; Mark had come to watch him race plenty of times this year, Seb hadn't done that once. He wanted to be able to support Mark the way he supported him.

Seb sipped the dregs of his beer thinking how great Mark was, how he always was there for him. He hoped Mark wouldn't be too lonely left here without him. He looked over and realised Mark was staring at him again, or maybe Seb was staring at him? Seb felt slightly unsettled and distracted himself by peeling the label off his bottle.

 

Mark sat forward as if he was going to say something decisive and then stopped himself, before finally speaking.

“Think I'll just nip to the loo. Do you want to get another round in and then maybe we'll call it a night?”

“Oh, umm yeah. Sure.” For some reason Sebastian was convinced that wasn't what Mark had been planning to say.

 

Mark got up and went to go find where the bathroom was in here. He felt like such an idiot. Why couldn't he bring himself to tell Seb just how much he'd miss him when he left and why he'd been so keen to come out and spend extra time with him? He went in to use the toilet and then spent several minutes staring at himself in the mirror trying to talk himself into manning up and taking a leap of faith.

 

Sebastian sat watching Mark walk away wondering if he was imaging Mark looking at him for half the time they'd been in here. He couldn't quite work out why it made him so nervous. It was _Mark_. Nothing about Mark could make him nervous, surely?

A waitress went past and Seb managed to get her attention to order some more drinks. He asked for two more beers and then changed his mind. He wanted something to settle his ridiculous nerves. Sebastian tried to explain that he also wanted a shot of something but he wasn't sure the waitress had understood. He pointed at the empty beer bottles and said that he wanted something stronger too and she had nodded and smiled.

When the waitress returned she brought with her two replacement bottles of beer and two glasses of clear liquid rather than one; They certainly weren't shot sized.

 

“Strong yes. Shōchū. You will like. Thank you.” She smiled as Seb gave her some money, gave a little tip of her head and walked away.

 

Sebastian regarded the drinks for a while before lifting up a glass to his nose and sniffing it dubiously. It smelt pretty weird, unlike any alcohol he was familiar with. Seb paused for a moment and then threw caution to the wind and downed the entire glass, nearly choking as the alcohol hit the back of his throat. Whatever this was it was fairly strong.

Seb wondered what was taking Mark so long. Mark couldn't be annoyed with him that he would be leaving so soon after he'd come all this way? Surely not. Mark understood how things worked with the team, how much media work they required of them and how it ate up his time. Sebastian had already seen his schedule for Thursday and he was going to be busy most of the day with race preparation and PR commitments. He was going to need Wednesday just to catch up on sleep and get himself together. Mark couldn't possibly be put out about him not staying any longer, surely?

Sebastian was mostly convinced he was being silly worrying. Mark must know he'd far rather stay here with him? He wished he could tell him that properly.

Mark was taking far too long. Seb started to feel as though his head was getting a little swirly. If he could only think straight maybe he could tell Mark how he felt? Sebastian wished he was braver. He stared at the drink in front of him and decided Mark wouldn't want it anyway. He snatched it up and downed it, coughing slightly and then took a sip of beer to wash away the taste.

 

Shortly afterwards, Mark reappeared and sat back down. He picked up his beer and thanked Seb for it, taking a sip before frowning at the sight of two empty glasses on the table.

“What's that, or what _was_ that?” Mark queried.

“Oh, umm,” Sebastian felt slightly embarrassed. “I asked the waitress for something else and I got it a bit wrong.”

“So you decided to hide the evidence?”

“Well I thought I _ought_ to try it,” explained Seb.

“And then you thought you'd drink mine too?” Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Ummmmmm,” Seb spread the word out far too long. Mark looked so serious. Why was he so serious? He looked funny. This whole evening was funny.

 

Sebastian looked down at the table, thenpeered up at Mark through his lashes like a boy who knew he had been naughty and was dodging getting told off.

Mark was distracted for a moment thinking how it did terrible things to him when Seb looked at him like that.

Seb suddenly started giggling to himself and Mark shook his head. He picked up one of the glasses and smelt it.

“Seb what the hell did you drink?”

“Hmmm?” asked Sebastian, still laughing.“Oh I don't know. I think it was some local spesh, speci-ality.”

It took quite an effort to say the word.

“Oh lord. Seb you're drunk!” exclaimed Mark.

“Am not!” denied Sebastian. “ _You're_ drunk.”

He laughed again and attempted to elbow Mark to emphasise his point, only somehow he missed, slipped forwards in front of Mark and would have slid off the leatherette bench altogether if Mark hadn't caught a hold of him.

“Whoops!” laughed Seb.

 

Mark sat him back up and shook his head. So much for talking to Sebastian tonight. If he hadn't been sure before whether Seb was drunk he certainly was now. What had he been doing drinking whatever the hell that had been? Seb just could _not_ take spirits.

“Okay, well I think we should go now,” said Mark firmly.

“You've still got your drink!” protested Sebastian, pushing his beer at him.

“I think I'm good mate.”

“Noooooo,” Seb shook his head, then regretted it as it made the room spin. As soon as it stopped, he pushed the beer closer to Mark. “I bought it for you. You have to drink it.”

Mark obliged by taking a sip and then put it down. “I reckon we should head back to the hotel.”

Sebastian thought Mark still sounded a little put out. He leant into Mark's side and looked up at him.

“Are you cross with me?”

Mark turned and looked at him. He rolled his eyes and couldn't help but smile. Seb looked ridiculous. He was leaning his chin into Mark's upper arm and pouting up at him. Oh god, he was stupidly cute right now. Mark wanted to kiss him so badly this very second, but Seb was drunk, he couldn't do that when Seb was drunk.

Mark shook his head.

“Course I'm not cross. It's just late. Come on let's go. Hmm?”

Sebastian pulled away. At least Mark wasn't annoyed with him.

“Okay.”

 

They got up and left the bar. Mark thought Sebastian seemed reasonably capable, but as they walked out onto the pavement Seb tripped up going down the step and Mark had to grab him again to stop him going flying.

Once Sebastian was set they tried walking along, but the alcohol was really hitting home now and Seb couldn't quite manage a straight line. He bumped into Mark as his legs weren't co-operating with his brain any more. Seb stumbled a couple more steps forward before Mark realised he was really struggling and slid his arm around his waist to help keep him up.

 

They walked along the still busy streets towards their hotel, Mark half holding Sebastian upright. Mark couldn't decide whether to be disappointed that Seb getting drunk had prevented him from attempting to talk to him properly, or allow himself to be secretly a little pleased they were so close like this. It wasn't taking advantage he reconciled; If he let go of Seb there was no chance he'd make it back to the hotel.

Sebastian was leaning on him more and more the further they progressed. As they stopped at a junction Mark managed to pull out his mobile with his spare hand to double check on the map that they were going in the right direction. They crossed the road with a little difficulty and Sebastian nearly tripped again attempting the kerb. Mark half hoisted him up as they got themselves together on the other side and Seb twisted in slightly, looking up at him.

“I don't think I should've drunk those drinks.”

Mark couldn't help but laugh.

“You don't say.”

“Urgh,” Seb pressed his face into Mark. “I don't feel so good.”

“Right. Let's go then.”

The sooner they got back the better, thought Mark as he set them going in the right direction again. It was really very difficult not to feel content with the way Sebastian was leaning into him and how Mark's arm wrapped around Seb felt so natural.

 

They progressed well enough for a while before Mark thought he'd better check again to see they weren't getting lost. They stopped still in the street as they were; Seb leaning into him, Mark's right arm around him, his left fumbling with the phone.

Sebastian tipped his head to look at Mark.

“You always look after me.”

“Hmm, yeah, well someone's got to,” answered Mark distractedly as he tried to see where they were on the map in relation to the hotel; Not far thankfully.

“Hmmmm,” Seb sighed drowsily. He dropped his head into Mark's shoulder and it promptly slipped a little further down as he failed to control his motor-functions.

“Whoa, Seb. Are you alright?” Mark took a firmer hold of him, realising that he'd been paying more attention to the map than Sebastian.

“M'fine,” mumbled Sebastian. He pressed his face into Mark's chest. “You're nice.”

“Am I?” asked Mark cautiously.

Seb allowed his eyes to close.

“Mmm yeah,” Seb muttered into Mark.

He lifted his hand up and patted the other side of Mark's chest.

“Nice.”

Sebastian breathed in the smell of Mark. It was so familiar. He was comfortable like this; Mark holding onto him and Seb resting against his nice warm body. If he could just get his legs to hold him up properly he could stay like his all night.

 

Mark couldn't stop wondering what 'nice' meant. Fat chance of asking Seb right now. He was trashed. Of course he was. Bloody typical. Mark never had any kind of luck whatsoever.

 

A group people made their was past, nearly bumping into them. It slightly unbalanced Sebastian and he pulled away trying to stand. He'd forgotten for a moment where they were. Late as it was there were still plenty of people about, far too many people, and there were bright lights everywhere. It was too much.

 

Mark was about to check Sebastian was alright when Seb took a step backwards and then turned and shot down an alley to their side. Mark was so shocked for a second he didn't move and by the time he caught up with him, Seb was holding onto the side of a dumpster and emptying the contents of his stomach.

 

 _'Just perfect',_ thought Mark, before going over and helping.

Seb stood up and wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand.

“You alright?” checked Mark.

Sebastian leant back against the dumpster and let out a breath, scrunching up his face.

Mark put his hand on his arm and leant in.

“Seb?”

“Yep.” Sebastian opened his eyes and looked back at Mark.

“Are you okay?” enunciated Mark carefully. He still didn't think Seb's eyes were properly focussed.

“Yeah, yeah I'm alright.”

 

Seb started to walk back to the main street. He was still more than a little unstable, so Mark resumed his hold on his waist and they got as far as a late-night convenience store before Mark deposited Sebastian on the kerbside and ducked inside to buy a bottle of water to give to him.

He sat down beside him and rubbed his shoulder as Seb swilled the water in his mouth and spat it away to the side before drinking some down.

They sat there for a bit before Mark patted at Seb's back.

“Come on mate, let's go home.”

Seb sat up.

“Home?”

Mark gave an ironic smile. “Hotel. Come on. Let's go.”

As he gave Seb a hand to get up he shook his head, wasn't this all far too familiar?

 

By the time they made it to the hotel Sebastian thought he was feeling a bit better, but his limbs still seemed to be doing their own thing. He liked the feeling of Mark's arm around him, that was nice.

 

As they got into the lift, Mark left Seb up against the side as he turned his attention to the panel, trying to remember which floor they needed. He'd thought Sebastian wasn't as bad since he'd thrown up, but as he turned back around he saw Seb slip down the side of the lift wall, ending up sitting on the floor.

Mark crouched in front of Seb and shook his head.

“Ah _Seb,_ ” he sighed, “what am I going to do with you, eh?”

Sebastian looked at Mark and started giggling.

“What are you going to _do_ with me?” He was giving Mark a dose of those big blue eyes again.

Seb couldn't stop himself from laughing. Mark was so lovely. What _was_ he going to do with him? That was a funny thing to say. Mark was funny. He always made him laugh.

Mark shook his head in despair. Seb was positively _never_ allowed to drink again.

 

The lift doors pinged open. Mark attempted to get Seb up but he was past helping himself.

“Come up Seb. _Up._ Give me a hand here.”

Mark tried lifting Seb under his arms but he'd gone a dead weight, it was like lifting a sack of potatoes, a giggly, not at all with it, sack of spuds.

“Seb come on, you're not helping.”

Mark deposited Seb back down and tried his most serious stare.

“Seb you're going to have to co-operate mate, or I swear to god I will put you over my shoulder and carry you.”

 

Unfortunately this was the most hilarious thing Sebastian had apparently heard in his entire life and he collapsed in another fit of giggles. Mark hit the open button on the lift again to stop it going back down and ducked back in front of Sebastian.

There was a small part of Mark that was annoyed with Sebastian for behaving so ridiculously, but it was impossible not to be amused by him in this state.

 

“Right.” Mark fixed Seb with a firm look. “Put your arms around my neck.”

Seb stopped laughing and raised his eyebrows.

“Come on,” encouraged Mark. He was about to try do it for him when Seb slung his arms around his neck. “Oh, okay then.”

Mark hauled him up onto his feet and somehow wasn't in the least surprised that Sebastian pressed into him as he hung from his neck. Mark shifted one arm back about Seb's waist and clamped his other hand onto Sebastian's arms around him; partly to help hold him up and partly to stop him from strangling him, which Mark thought would be an unfortunate way to die.

 

They got to Seb's door and Mark realised he'd need the key.

“Seb. Where's your key?”

“Hmmm?”

“Your _key._ ”

Sebastian was by now half asleep, his head resting on Mark's shoulder. Mark felt nice, he felt safe. Seb thought he'd just happily stay like this.

“Pocket,” Seb mumbled.

Mark considered for a moment whether it wasn't wildly inappropriate, then thought fuck it, it was that or kick the door in, and reached into Sebastian's pocket to get his keycard to let them in.

He dumped Seb down on the bed and unclasped his arms from around his neck. Sebastian's eyes were closed and his head was lolling about. Mark put his hand beneath his head and laid him down. He pulled Seb's feet up off the floor and took his shoes off as he lifted them up onto the bed. Mark considered for a fraction of a second whether Seb would be uncomfortable sleeping in his jeans, but that was definitely going over the line.

Mark sat and looked at Sebastian as he lay there quietly snoring. He sighed.

“Can't we ever catch a break?”

 

Mark got up and filled a glass of water to leave on the bedside cabinet. He fetched the bin from the other side of the room and put it by the bed in case Seb woke and threw up, then he worried Sebastian might actually not wake up and could choke, so he moved him into the recovery position, just in case. It didn't occur to Mark to think whether moving Seb while he was asleep was wrong, he needed to be sure he was alright. Sebastian had barely reacted to being manhandled safely into bed, he was dead to the world.

Mark stood and looked at him for a moment, reassuring himself that Seb was okay before rubbing his face as he felt all his tiredness take hold. Seb would be fine, he was going next door to his own bed. Mark was pretty sure that come the morning Sebastian would feel a darn sight worse than he did.

 

 

 

 

 

Seb was woken by a knocking at his door. It was ungodly loud and it felt as though the knocking was banging right against his skull. He mumbled into his pillow that it should shut up and go away, but for some reason that didn't work and he was forced to climb out of bed to answer the door just to make the noise stop.

Sebastian stumbled out of bed, then fumbled with the lock before getting it open and pulling the door wide to reveal Mark stood there. He looked appallingly wide-awake and healthy.

Mark leant against the doorframe and shook his head at the sight of a still worse for wear Seb; his clothes looked dishevelled as well they might for being slept in, and his hair was sticking up in all directions, none of them the right way. He grinned at Sebastian.

“Good night's sleep then?”

Seb groaned and sat back down on the bed as Mark entered the room. He was carrying two takeout cups of coffee and had a paper-bag with something in.

 

Sebastian ruffled his already messy hair some more and looked at Mark through one eye.

“Before I wake up properly, just tell me, did I do anything hideously embarrassing last night?” asked Sebastian, his voice low and slightly croaky.

Mark joined him, sitting on the bed.

“Embarrassing? Hmm, well there was the karaoke, and the throwing up in public and the bit where I practically had to carry you back...”

Seb closed his other eye and recoiled slightly as he remembered.

“...but _hideously_ embarrassing?” completed Mark with a smile, “nah I think you're fine. But you, er, might want to find some mouthwash.” He gave Sebastian a little push with his shoulder.

Sebastian held his hand up to his mouth and breathed. Dear god.

“Okay, I'm just gonna use the bathroom,” indicated Seb, gathering up a change of clothes from his open case as he went. He thought he must have some paracetamol in his washbag. He really needed a shower as well, he felt disgusting.

 

Mark just nodded and drank his coffee whilst he waited for Seb to emerge.

 

Sebastian sat back down, towelling his hair, feeling slightly more human. He accepted the coffee that Mark had got him; it had cooled somewhat now, but it was strong and that was all he cared about. He even ate a little of the strange pastry Mark had picked up.

 

Finishing their make-do breakfast, Mark checked what time Sebastian had to be at the airport.

“Twelve. So if I leave here by eleven, that should be alright.”

“You want to just hang out around here until then?” asked Mark.

Sebastian looked at his watch. It was only half past eight.

“There's a gym downstairs, I think I might go see if I can't sweat the alcohol out a bit.”

Mark coughed a laugh, “bloody hell, that's dedication. I thought I'd have to prise you out of bed this morning.”

“Yeah well you banged on the door loud enough to wake the dead, so now I'm up I'd better do something. Besides, I need to knock myself into shape. Christian would kill me if he knew I'd been getting smashed days before a race.”

“Well I wont tell him if you don't,” offered Mark.

Seb smiled at him, “you'd better not, because I'll be blaming you.”

“Me?” stopped Mark, pretending to be affronted.

“Who's idea was all this?” accused Sebastian, but his tone was joking.

Mark leaned in towards him and raised an eyebrow. “Who's idea was it to sample the local alcohol speciality?”

“Mmm, okay, I guess you have me there,” conceded Sebastian. “Anyway...”

 

Seb got up and dug in his case looking for him gym gear.

“We're really going to the gym then?” checked Mark.

“Well I am,” replied Sebastian.

Mark nodded. “Okay then. Gimme a few minutes.” He disappeared next door to change. Mark might think Seb was slightly mad for doing this, but there was no chance he was not going with him. They only had a couple more hours left together before Seb had to leave and Mark wasn't giving any of it up.

 

 

 

 

Only a few hours later Sebastian was sat back in his seat on his flight, trying not to think about the race in a few days, or the fact that he was definitely still hungover, or the fact that he'd done this to himself mostly because he'd got nervous around Mark last night which was patently ridiculous because it was _Mark_ and what did he have to be nervous about with him? He closed his eyes and tried to get a bit of sleep and not to think about the main fact that was pressing down on him, which was that he was flying away from Mark and he was missing him already.

 

Mark got a taxi back from the airport feeling horribly alone. He'd insisted on accompanying Seb there, saying that he really had nothing better to do, but in truth it was because he wanted to hang on to him until the last possible minute and now he was heading back to a night alone in his hotel room before he headed over to Fuji the next day.

A whole night of sitting around with nothing to do other than wonder if he couldn't have handled last night a little better and prevented Seb from getting so drunk. A whole night to wonder if he'd ever have had the guts to say anything anyway. A whole night to think about the past couple of days; Seb giggling to him in that lift and looking at him like that; Seb up there singing karaoke and knowing Seb knew the song so well he didn't need the words on screen; Seb pressing into him as they walked back to the hotel, Mark's arm tight around his waist. A whole night to spend missing Sebastian and counting down the hours until they were both back home next week.

Mark let himself back into his room and flopped down onto the bed. His head might be getting more and more screwed up, but there was still a part of him that didn't care if he'd let another chance to tell Seb how he felt sail by. He was still glad they'd done this.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty fluffy really, but I took one look at the racing calendar and had an idea that wouldn't go away.


	25. Aint Nothing But A Family Thing

 

 

Sebastian and Mark returned to England knowing that the latter half of October was their last period of relative freedom before the motor-racing season lost all sense of logic and just went completely crazy; ricocheting from one corner of the world to the next with hardly time to unpack in-between.

 

It was easy enough to slip into their established routines and although both thought they were happy, in truth neither one of them was entirely satisfied with how things had gone in Japan in the end.

 

Mark was still frustrated with his inability to open up about how he felt, and he was a little concerned at the way Sebastian had slipped from seeming to be confidently enjoying the evening to a drunken mess in about five minutes flat. He'd really quite like to be able to rely on things being normal without worrying what could go wrong. But then at least getting drunk was a pretty ordinary thing to happen and it was better than all the other times when Seb had needed his help because of the awful things that had happened to him, so that was something. Also he was having quite a lot of trouble reconciling his concerns with the fact that he couldn't stop thinking about how cute drunk Seb was and how Mark had to admit that having Sebastian all over him had been something he'd liked. A lot.

 

Sebastian was also still bothered with what had gone on. He wondered why he had got so unnerved and why he'd been stupid enough to drink something when he didn't even know what it was. It had been a good job that Mark had been there, but then he always was.

Apart from that, Seb was generally feeling far better. It surprised him that it was actually a relief not to be involved in the fight for the championship, as he had been for so many years in a row now. Even when things were going perfectly with the car and the team it had been impossible to make assumptions and so they had always had to keep pushing until the championship was finally in the bag, and although he hadn't admitted it at the time, that had been a strain on him, both mentally and physically. This year was, in a bizarrely twisted way, something of a break for Seb. He was still planning to take each race as it came and aim to get the best out of it that he could, but he no longer had to worry so much about the grand scheme of things and he couldn't deny that it was a weight off his shoulders that he was glad of right now.

 

Sebastian was also feeling as though he was actually getting somewhere with his therapy sessions. It was easier to talk to Henry these days now that he thought Dr. Menton must know the worst about him. He hadn't had a panic attack or a really bad episode in quite a while and although he suspected it was never going to go away completely, the way his therapist talked him through things meant he was able to remember what had happened to him without being affected so badly as a result.

Part of Seb knew that the reason he was in a better place was that he had finally accepted that Heikki reappearing _really_ wasn't going to happen. Whether he'd given up, or that confrontation back in Austria had done the trick, or whether it was the legal threats that had finally put him off, Sebastian neither knew nor cared, but it felt as though he was no longer a present threat. Seb was sleeping more soundly and feeling more secure generally and it was only when he took time to realise that was the case, that he appreciated the base-line level of anxiety he'd been carrying around for so long it had become normal.

Seb felt lighter and stronger in himself then he thought he ever had before, but he knew that he still wasn't quite where he needed to be. He still lacked the confidence to talk to Mark about how he felt about him, he still worried about the rest of the world ever finding out about his past, and no matter how many times Henry and Mark had assured him to the contrary, he couldn't help but feel ashamed of what had happened to him, what he had _allowed_ to happen. Seb wasn't sure he'd ever be able to feel any other way about that.

 

 

 

 

Sat in Dr. Menton's offices Seb waited until after their main session before mentioning his and Mark's little trip to Tokyo. He explained how it had all been going swimmingly until he had gone too far.

 

“I screwed up,” confessed Sebastian.

Dr. Menton frowned. “We all make mistakes. I think it's unhelpful to punish yourself too much for that Seb. I would however recommend that you think about why you felt the need to get drunk.”

“I didn't do it on purpose,” protested Sebastian.

“Really?” Henry sounded doubtful.

“Well...”

“Seb you said you downed two large glasses of unidentified spirits after drinking beer all evening. What precisely did you think would happen?”

Sebastian looked at his shoes. “Yeah okay.”

“Do you feel the need to hide behind alcohol?”

Sebastian pulled a face. “I'm not. I don't... you make me sound like an alcoholic. It was just a couple of drinks too many.”

“I'm not suggesting you are an alcoholic Sebastian, of course not,” continued Dr. Menton calmly. “I was wondering though if you were aware of your motivation for deliberately getting drunk.”

“I didn't...” Seb looked at Henry knowing this was no time to bullshit him. “Okay fine, yeah I got nervous and I had a couple of shots because I couldn't handle being scared, alright?”

“What were you scared of? Of being out, of Mark?”

“Of... _W_ _hat?_ No I'm not scared of Mark. That's ridiculous. I just...” Seb sighed, “I thought maybe he was going to say something.”

“What was he going to say?”

“I don't know,” admitted Sebastian, knowing he sounded pathetic. “I just, I don't know. We never really go out, so that was strange enough, and we were in Tokyo, which is pretty strange all over, and then I thought something was going on with him and I freaked out and I just wanted something to dull those feelings out so I didn't run away altogether.”

“So you were afraid of the unknown?”

“Yeah. I suppose.”

“Do you think you were intentionally getting yourself in a state which meant Mark had to take control and look after you?”

“What?” Seb really hadn't thought about that aspect. “No.”

“Are you sure about that?” pushed Dr. Menton.

 

Seb was looking down again. If he was honest, he _wasn't_ sure about that. Maybe it was what he had subconsciously wanted. It _had_ been nice that Mark had looked after him. He couldn't deny that he'd thought about the way they'd been walking the streets of Tokyo late at night together with Mark's arm around his waist and Seb pressed into him, more than once since that night, even if the memory was a little blurry.

 

Seb just shrugged at Dr. Menton.

“Has Mark said anything about it since?” asked Henry.

“Not particularly, I mean, not the getting drunk bit anyway.”

Henry nodded. “So you don't know how he feels about that night.”

Seb stopped. He hadn't considered how Mark felt about what had happened. He always just relied on Mark to help him.

“I... No. I hadn't thought about that. I just assume he'll be there.”

Seb suddenly felt guilty. “I just rely on him to be there whenever I need him. I never even thought about him at all; how it was for Mark. I'm so selfish.”

Seb knew he'd probably ruined Mark's evening. He'd thrown himself yet again at Mark, knowing he'd catch him rather than ever let him fall. He always did, and Seb always let him. It wasn't fair on Mark. As usual he'd been so self-absorbed he hadn't thought about Mark's feelings. He was selfish, and Mark was too good to complain _as usual._

“I'm not accusing you of being selfish, or taking advantage of Mark.”

“I _do_ take advantage of him though,” interrupted Sebastian.

“Relying on a friend isn't the same as taking advantage of them Seb. You've been through a lot and I know how supportive Mark has been. I am suggesting though, you might want to consider how you want this friendship to continue in future.”

 

Sebastian sat and thought for a moment. He wasn't used to thinking about the future that much. He generally kept things pretty short-term. Could things really carry on this way between him and Mark if he was constantly relying on him to be the grown-up?

“Yeah, I don't know. I guess I can't just expect Mark to go on picking up the pieces all the time.”

Henry shook his head. “That's not what I meant Seb. I'm sure Mark is happy to be there for you if you need him, but I'm hoping that as you make progress you shouldn't feel as much that you _need_ someone to pick up the pieces. If you're doing better, as I believe you are, then your friendship is likely to alter slightly in nature.”

 

Sebastian knew it was messed up to think that he didn't _want_ the nature of their friendship to change. He didn't want to lose how close he and Mark were.

Henry read his face. “That isn't to say your friendship would not be as strong Seb, but your roles within it may change as you continue to recover your confidence and your independence.”

Sebastian thought those two things were what he wanted. Of course he did. Getting that didn't have to mean sacrificing their friendship, surely?

“Do you think he's getting tired of me needing him so much?” asked Seb.

“I wasn't suggesting that, but if you are going to really make progress then you need to think about what the future looks like.”

Seb frowned across at him. “What that looks like? You mean me?”

“Yes Seb, I mean you. What does a recovered Sebastian look like? How do you want to be?”

 

Sebastian sat there thinking about it. It was quite hard to imagine a recovered version of himself. He wasn't even sure he could do that. Did that mean he couldn't imagine recovering? Did that mean he didn't _want_ to recover? Of course not. Of course he wanted to get better. And getting better meant being stronger and taking control of his life. It meant taking responsibility for himself. It meant him being a grown-up too.

 

“I guess I want to not feel like a stupid little kid any more,” admitted Sebastian.

Henry nodded. “You're not a kid Seb. You're an adult who has had some very bad things happen to you. Getting better was never going to happen overnight. You're doing very well, considering everything. But it is good to have goals.”

He smiled at Seb. “Look, why don't we rephrase what you said and say that you'd like to consider yourself a mature, responsible adult who is capable of facing the challenges that lie before you?”

Seb nodded. That did sound pretty good. Could he be that person?

“And some of those challenges,” continued Dr. Menton, “include handling things when you make a mistake, and thinking of others who that might have affected.”

“Right,” agreed Sebastian.

“Mistakes aren't the end of the world Seb. It's how we handle them that matter.”

“Okay.”

“Which is not to say that you made some _terrible_ mistake Seb. You just got drunk and it probably wasn't a very wise choice in the circumstances. So maybe have a think about that, and consider what you want your response to be.”

Seb was already thinking about it. He wanted his response to be the one a mature adult would have. Was he really capable of that?

 

 

As Sebastian walked out, he was so lost in thought he nearly stepped out into the road without checking if there was traffic.

Was he brave enough to be a stronger person? Hadn't that been what he been trying to do all year? Was it dumb just to let himself feel so set back by one little incident that he was willing to give up on all that? He wasn't. He wasn't going to give up. Wasn't that what Mark always said to him?

Seb kicked a can viciously across the pavement. _Mark._ He hadn't thought about how Mark felt about having to take care of him all the time. It wasn't fair how he carried everything. Mark never once in all this time had let it show if it was hard for him. How did he do that? Mark was amazing and Sebastian thought he was still the selfish little shit he'd been for all those years when they'd been enemies across the garage.

Sebastian got into his car and took a deep calming breath. He'd taken Mark for granted for far too long. He had to stop doing that. Mark was the best friend he'd ever had, he couldn't lose him. If Seb wanted to keep Mark then surely he had to change the way he treated him. Sebastian knew that he valued Mark being in his life more than anything. Even if it was never anything more than that, Mark's friendship meant the world to him, Seb knew he had to start giving as much as he took.

 

Seb sat in his parked car for a few minutes wondering what to say, before texting Mark and asking if he could come over.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in Mark's kitchen drinking tea and chatting normally for a while before bringing it up. He felt awkward, but if he was going to be grown-up about his. He had to stop running away from everything that made him feel awkward.

“Mark, I wanted to say, you know. I'm sorry about what happened when we went out when we were away.”

Mark frowned. That was nearly two weeks ago now.

“Seb you're not still bothered about that are you?” He shook his head. “It's really no big deal.”

Seb wanted to shrug but that was a cop-out.

“I think I kinda ruined our evening.”

“No Seb you just got drunk. It didn't ruin the evening. We had a good time didn't we?” Mark felt a little disappointed that Sebastian might not have enjoyed their time together.

“That's what I mean; we were having a great time and then I went and did something stupid.”

Mark sighed, “Seb, stop stressing out. It's fine, alright?”

“Okay.” Sebastian realised he was just making Mark feel bad and that wasn't his intention at all.

“I just meant, I feel bad that it was you who had to...”

Seb paused, he couldn't think how to phrase it:  _'look after me'?_ Like he was a child? This was so hard.

“... that you had to look out for me. Again. Because you're always having to do that, and it isn't, it isn't _on_ that you always have to do that.”

Sebastian wasn't even sure he was making sense.

 

Mark looked at him wondering quite what Seb was trying to say. He leaned forward a little bit towards Sebastian.

“Of course I look out for you Seb, we're friends. That's what friends do.”

“Yeah, but it's always _you_ looking out for _me,_ ” emphasised Sebastian.

“You've been through a lot.”

“Yeah but, I just don't want it to always be that way.”

Mark looked at Sebastian firmly, “it's _not_ always going to be that way.”

 

Seb couldn't help noting the irony of the fact that he was trying to show that he wasn't always wanting to rely on Mark and yet here was Mark trying to help him once again and make him feel better. And it was working too, because when Mark told him things weren't always going to be this way, Seb believed him, because Mark didn't lie to him; if he said something, he meant it.

Sebastian simply nodded. He couldn't think of a way to say that he didn't always want to have to rely on Mark without it sounding like he was rejecting all his help.

“I do want that, you know?”

“What?”

“To not be like this, not to always fall apart and you have to be the one who puts up with it.”

Mark shook his head again, “I'm not _'putting up with it'._ And you don't _'always fall apart'_.”

“Okay, well thank you anyway. I don't think I say that often enough. Thank you.”

Seb looked Mark in the eye. At least he wasn't going to bottle out of this.

“I want you to know that I appreciate it. I appreciate you.”

 

Sebastian looked so sincere. Mark was touched by what he was saying. He knew Seb was grateful, that was really nice, but he didn't want him just to be grateful. He wanted more than that, but at least Sebastian was making a point of telling him how much he valued him. It would be churlish not to be thankful for that.

Mark reached over and gave Sebastian a big hug. Seb hugged him back thinking how he never wanted to give this up. Whatever happened he had to find a way to keep this.

 

Seb pulled away. “I do still sometimes fall apart,” he said quietly.

Mark shrugged, “so does everyone Seb. That's just life.” He gave Sebastian a smile, “you don't have the monopoly on that.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Even me,” continued Mark.

Sebastian couldn't really imagine that. Mark was so strong.

“Yeah?” asked Sebastian.

“Yeah mate, even me.”

Seb looked at him earnestly, “I'd do anything for you, you know. I mean, I don't really know what I could do, but if you ever needed anything...”

Mark stared at him a little too long before nodding thanks. He just couldn't tell Seb what he really needed from him.

 

“I know,” Mark agreed belatedly.

He knew Sebastian didn't value himself enough to think he had much to offer, but he could think of a thousand instances where Seb showed himself to be thoughtful and kind. He was a good person. A good friend. He knew that Sebastian probably didn't appreciate that these things mattered just as much as the big gestures. He also knew that if he was ever in trouble Sebastian would go to the ends of the earth to help him. Somehow he was absolutely certain of that. He didn't need proof, or promises, he just knew it.

“I know you would mate, okay.” Mark placed his hand on Seb's arm and looked him in the eye. Seb nodded back. It was understood.

 

They sipped their tea quietly for a moment.

“I'm trying really hard not to fall apart quite so much.”

Mark nodded. “I know. You're doing great, You really are Seb. Don't lose sight of that. Getting pissed really doesn't count as falling apart you know?”

Seb smiled. “I don't plan on doing that again any time soon.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. “Well I'm assuming you didn't bring some random Japanese booze home with you?”

Seb rolled his eyes. “God no.”

“I think we're safe then.”

“I really can't take spirits anyway,”

Mark laughed harder at that. “Yeah, I noticed.”

Sebastian managed to laugh too. Maybe he had been thinking about what had happened too seriously.

 

Mark changed the subject. “Actually if you really want to say thank you, you can sort out looking after the dogs while we're all over the place next month.”

“You know I don't consider looking after them a hardship,” pointed out Sebastian.

“Yeah, I know, but I think we might genuinely need a schedule,” admitted Mark. They were racing on each weekend, mostly alternating throughout November, but given travelling times there might be some overlap and they were both away at the start.

“Fine,” offered Sebastian. “We'll get our diaries out. I'll work out a plan.”

Mark nodded. “Great, that's a help. Thanks. We'll just need to speak to Pauline and check she can cover any time we're both away. I'm sure it'll be fine.”

“Okay, no problem. Would it be alright if they stayed at mine while you're away?”

“Sure. I bet they'll like that.”

 

Seb felt happy at that idea. He could have the dogs while Mark was away and he wouldn't be on his own.

“Thanks.”

“Better than leaving them on their own here to destroy the place while I'm away, that's for certain,” stated Mark.

He knew that Sebastian would take good care of the dogs and that it would make both them and Seb happy if they were together. He almost suggested that Seb could stay at his house while he was away, but maybe that would be too much.

“Are you going to stay and walk them with me now?” asked Mark. “I can stick something in the oven and you could stay for dinner.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Seb always wanted to stay.

 

 

 

 

The Friday before they were due to head out for races Mark had to go over to Stuttgart for team meetings with Porsche. Mark going over to Germany made Seb think of his family. It would mean asking Pauline to take care of the dogs another time, but it had been a while since he'd seen his parents and if he got an early flight on Friday morning and an evening flight back on the Saturday, Sebastian thought that should work. He had promised his parents he'd get over to see them again soon and that had been a couple of months ago now. Seb didn't want to drift apart from his family again.

 

 

Seb pulled up to his parents' house in Heppenheim in a taxi, glad that he was taking the time to do this. Normally he made excuses and told his family that he was too busy, but now he actually wanted to see them. As they met him on the doorstep with hugs and kisses it was impossible not to feel that he was home and that it was nice to be made a fuss of.

His mother set about making coffee while Sebastian took his bag upstairs. He looked around his old bedroom and wondered what the kid whose room it had been would make of the man who stood there now. Had he turned out anything like he had thought he would? Four times Formula One World Champion wasn't too bad he supposed. Seb thought of Mark snorting with laughter at the notion that that achievement wasn't _too bad_.

 

Sebastian headed back downstairs and went into the kitchen to give his mother a hand taking drinks into the lounge. His father took his usual place on the sofa and Seb sat opposite. As his mother settled down he asked when his brother would be home from school.

“Oh he's got football dear, so around three I think, depending on if he deigns to come straight home of course,” answered his mum.

His father laughed, “I'm sure that boy spends more time at his friends' houses than he does here these days.”

“Does he?” asked Sebastian, realising once again how little he knew about his brother's day-to-day life. “Must seem quiet around here then.”

“Far too quiet,” replied his mother. “Only a few more years and Fabian will be off to university and then where will be?”

“Getting some well-earned peace,” finished his father, knowing only too well that he'd miss having children in the house just as much as his wife would.

“You all grew up so fast,” said his mother sadly. “You worse than any of the others Seb.” She shook her head; Sebastian had been one foot out of the door by his mid-teens and they'd seen so little of him these past years.

 

Sebastian didn't really know what to say to that, but he resolved to make more time to see his family going forwards, especially his brother. He didn't want them to be strangers when they were both adults and out in the world doing who knew what in years to come.

 

 

They made small talk; his mother telling him more about what was going on with family and friends, some of whom Sebastian couldn't even remember, but he politely nodded along.

His father asked him about how things were looking for the remainder of the season and Seb found himself sharing the usual platitudes before his father stopped him and Sebastian was reminded that he didn't want to fob them off any more.

“I guess I've kindof written this year off to be honest,” admitted Sebastian.

His father frowned. “So early?”

“Dad there's only three races left. I'm not going to suddenly turn things around from here.”

His father went to speak, but Seb reassured them. “It's fine. Don't worry about it, okay? Look, I knew this year was going to be hard with all the changes, and yeah so it turned out even harder than that, but I'm still going.”

His mother nodded. “Of course you're still going dear. Most people would have given up, but we know you're not like that.”

Seb couldn't help but smile at the fact that his mother considered his just turning up at races to be a sign of good character.

“Anyway, we've pretty much moved onto next year now,” continued Sebastian. “I've been at the factory helping with the development of the car for 2015 already.”

“Have you?” asked his father. “Well that's got to be good hasn't it? That means it'll be tailored for you, wont it?”

“Oh, well for both of us. Dan's been in too. So... but yeah, it's a good thing to get started so early. Hopefully we'll have a better season next year.”

“I'm sure you will Sebastian,” assured his father. He'd been so worried about how the struggles his son had been having had affected him, it was good to hear him speak positively about the future.

His mother just nodded along in agreement. She often wished Sebastian had chosen a less stressful career. When they'd seen him earlier in the year he'd looked so tired and she couldn't stand to see him that way.

 

“Everything alright with your new house?” asked his mother, changing the subject.

“The house? Yeah it's fine.”

“It sounds very swish,” continued his mum.

Sebastian laughed. “It's not _that_ posh Mum, it's not a mansion or anything. The main bit of the house is pretty ordinary, but yeah, having the swimming pool is pretty cool.”

“We'll have to come and visit some time,” suggested his mum.

“Oh, umm, yeah. Sure. That'd be nice.”

“And you're still liking living in England?” questioned his dad.

“Yes. I do. I never really thought I'd end up living there, but it's handy for the factory and everything and... yeah I like it. It feels like home,” admitted Seb.

His mother frowned a little. “This is always your home Seb.”

“Of course, no I know that, I mean, I like it, that's all.”

 

His father nodded, not wishing to let his wife make Sebastian feel bad for telling them he was happily settled.

“And you're still seeing Mark over there?” asked his father casually.

“Hmm?” Sebastian was slightly surprised to hear him mentioned. “Oh, umm, yeah. He just lives up the road, so we see quite a lot of each other actually.”

“Well that's nice,” agreed his mother. “No good bearing a grudge in life Seb.”

Sebastian nodded, wondering how he'd ever quite explain how Mark and he had come to be friends.

 

 

They carried on talking for an hour or so, mostly about nothing particularly important. Seb heard all about Melanie's new boyfriend, who apparently was already being harangued into coming to stay for Christmas.

“Poor guy,” sympathised Sebastian. “I think we're a lot for someone to take all at once.”

“Nonsense,” dismissed his father. “If he can't handle that then what kind of man is he?”

Sebastian stopped at that. What did his father think a man should be? What would he think of Seb if he knew the truth?

His mother was still talking, but Seb hadn't been paying attention.

“I _said_ ; You'll be nice to him, won't you Sebastian?” repeated his mother.

“Oh, umm, sure, yes of course.”

 

His parents carried on talking but Sebastian wasn't really listening. He was wondering how they'd react if _he_ brought a boyfriend home. Would they be so happy about it? Would they remind his siblings to be nice to him? Not that there was much chance of that being on the cards any time soon.

 

Seb blinked back to the here and now. His parents were looking at him.

“You drifted off there son?” asked his dad.

“Oh, umm, no, sorry. Early start today,” excused Sebastian.

“Do you want another coffee?” queried his mother, sounding a little concerned. She always thought Sebastian worked too hard. No wonder he never had time to trek over to visit them.

“Oh, yes actually that'd be nice, thanks mum. Do you want a hand?”

“No no dear, you sit there. Have a rest.”

 

His mother disappeared off to the kitchen to get refills for their cups and Sebastian sat thinking to himself.

Was this always how it was going to be? Seb just sat there, wondering away at what his parents' reaction would be to knowing the truth about him? Was he always going to be too afraid to tell them? Why was he afraid of his parents? Hadn't they always been loving and supportive? Was he being ridiculous? A coward? Wasn't the mature thing to do to talk to them about it? Wasn't Sebastian a grown-up?

 

His mother sat back down, depositing a tray complete with three filled coffee mugs and a plate of biscuits. Seb politely took the coffee and stared at it for a moment before taking a deep breath and speaking, moments before his mother was about to start up talking again.

 

“Mum, Dad, I need to talk to you about something,” started Seb, thinking abstractly that it felt as though someone else had taken control of his mouth and was doing the talking for him.

 

His parents looked a little nonplussed at his sudden announcement, but Sebastian pressed on. He had to carry on and do it now or maybe he never would.

 

“I need to tell you something, and it would be great if you could, you know, not freak out about it.”

 

“Not freak out about it?” echoed his mother.

“Are you switching teams?” guessed his father, before his mother elbowed him and told him to hush.

“Seb is trying to talk Norbert, let him get a word in.”

Sebastian looked gratefully at his mother. He took another breath before jumping off a cliff.

 

“Okay. Well...”

 _'_ _Do this, do this now, don't chicken out,_ _or you'll regret it. Be a damn grown-up!'_ thought Seb frantically, feeling his pulse-rate start to race.

“...I need to tell you, about me, that I'm gay and I'm sorry I never told you before, but I didn't know what you'd think,” said Sebastian at around 200 miles an hour.

 

His parents sat there looking slightly stunned. His father still held his coffee cup half-way up to his mouth.

“Please say something,” pleaded Seb, desperate for reassurance.

“You're...” tried his father.

“I'm gay,” said Sebastian plainly so there was no confusion over the matter.

“Right,” replied his father, trying to gather his thoughts.

“Mum?” Seb was terrified that his parents weren't reacting at all.

“Yes dear,” managed his mother, still slightly shocked. “Are you alright sweetheart?”

 

Sebastian wondered if his mum was suggesting that there was something wrong with him?

His mother reached across the coffee table and patted his arm.

“You're very brave to say that Sebastian. Don't look so _worried_ dear. Is this what you've been fretting about all this time?”

“Umm.” Sebastian thought he was going to cry, he felt so overwhelmed. He hadn't been planning to say any of this at all on this visit. He hadn't prepared himself for what he was going to say.

 

His mother elbowed his father hard in the ribs and told him to say something to their son before taking herself over to the couch where Sebastian was sat and putting her arm around him.

Sebastian had to fight the urge to lean into his mother and cry on her shoulder, but he didn't want his father to think him weak. He still hadn't really said anything. Sebastian looked over at him.

“Have you, I mean, since when?” Norbert couldn't quite get his head around it. He thought his son had never given them any clue that he was gay.

Seb managed a tiny laugh. “Well, umm, _always_ I guess. I don't remember being anything else.”

His father nodded, frowning. “But you've never said anything.”

“No, well...” Sebastian didn't know how to respond. Of course he'd never said anything.

“It doesn't matter,” interrupted his mother, giving Seb a reassuring squeeze.

“How did we not know?” wondered his father out-loud. “You're our son. How could we have not realised?” How could they have been so stupid, wondered Norbert.

“I'm sorry I didn't say anything before,” apologised Sebastian.

“Nonsense,” countered his mother firmly.

“Were you worried what we'd say?” asked his father.

 

Seb shrugged, still fighting breaking down.

Norbert looked over at Seb and felt terrible seeing how distressed his son looked. He couldn't bare thinking that Sebastian had been afraid of telling them something so fundamental about himself. Their own son afraid of them? What kind of parents were they?

Seb was surprised by his dad getting up and squashing himself in on the sofa on the other side to his mum, leaving him sandwiched in the middle.

 

Norbert sighed. “Ahh _Seb._ You think yourself into corners. I wish you wouldn't do that. You over-think everything. You always have.” He put his arm around Seb and Sebastian thought he was in danger of his parents both squeezing the life out of him.

His father continued; “I wish you'd talk to us more. Is this why we've hardly seen you all this time? Did you think we'd disapprove?”

Seb just shrugged again. He didn't think he would be capable of speech even if his parents _weren't_ crushing the air out of him right now.

His dad shook his head and turned himself into Seb's eye-line, letting go of him in the process.

“All we care about is that you're _happy_ Seb. How many times have I said this, hmm?”

Norbert caught his wife's eye and she spoke up.

“Of course that's all we want Seb. That's all any parent wants.”

“Not all parents.” Seb found his voice. He knew plenty of people weren't accepted by their families when they came out. He closed his eyes for a second in thankful prayer that his parents weren't like that. Of course they weren't like that. Shouldn't he have known?

“Any _good_ parents,” corrected his mother, wondering how her little boy could ever have drifted away from them so badly that he wouldn't understand this.

 

Sebastian nodded, swallowed, and promptly lost the fight to stop tears escaping. He frantically brushed them away with the heel of his hand.

“Oh Seb!” His mother sounded heartbroken. “Don't cry sweetheart, it's alright.”

She pulled him into her and Seb let himself lose himself in his mother's arms for a minute.

Sebastian swallowed hard and pulled away from his mum to sit up. He rubbed his eyes and stopped crying.

“I'm okay. Sorry. I'm really okay.”

Seb started to stand. “I'm just gonna go to the bathroom a minute.”

His mother went to stop him, but Seb's dad shook his head and she let him go.

 

 

Seb spent five minutes or so in the bathroom trying to compose himself and splashing his face with water to calm himself down. As he returned to the living room his parents were in deep discussion. His mother looked as though she had been crying herself, and Seb felt guilty.

Sebastian sat down on the couch his parents had previously occupied and faced them.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you,” Sebastian apologised.

“Nonsense dear. I'm fine. Are you alright?” asked his mother.

“Yeah. Sorry. I just needed a minute.”

His mother just nodded at him, still looking concerned.

“You don't have to be sorry Seb,” stated his father. “We're only sorry you hid this from us.”

Seb's mother gave his dad a very disapproving look and he immediately corrected himself.

“I mean that you felt you had to hide this from us. That you couldn't talk to us about it.” His father shook his head. “We're your parents Seb. We love you. You should be able to tell us anything.”

Seb nodded, knowing that he was never going to be entirely able to do that. They might be handling this far better than he could have hoped, but they'd never be able to hear about what had happened to him. Today had shown Sebastian how heartbroken his parents would be if they learnt how badly he'd been mistreated. They'd never forgive themselves.

 

“I don't understand how we didn't know,” continued his father sounding perplexed. “You're our son, we should have known.”

“You've always known?” questioned his mother.

Seb just nodded. He managed a small smile. “I have tried to tell you. I'm pretty rubbish at talking about stuff.”

His father snorted a little laugh. “You're pretty good at it on TV.”

“Yeah but that's just words. Not the real stuff, the things that matter,” explained Sebastian. That was only too true; the things that mattered most to him, involving those he cared most about in the world, were the hardest things to get out.

“How long have you been trying to tell us?” asked his mother.

Seb shrugged. “I don't know really. Only properly this year I guess. Before then I think I was trying _not_ to tell you for about ten years.”

“ _Ten years?”_ echoed his father, horrified. Ten years of his son not being able to tell them. The weight of carrying that around for so long must have been terrible.

 

His father shook his head sadly. “Seb I'm so sorry you felt you couldn't let us know.” He sighed. “Have you told anyone else, or...?”

“I guess a few people know. A few maybe at the team, Christian, Mark. I don't know exactly. I haven't really talked about it, but I think some may have guessed.”

“We don't understand how _we_ didn't,” confessed his mother. Clearly they'd been talking about this while Seb was out of the room. “I mean you've not brought girls home. _How_ we didn't work it out...”

“Good-looking, eligible boy like you,” continued his father with a smile, “we must have been blind.”

Seb felt eminently reassured that his parents were able to talk about this. That made him feel normal. It was normal. He was normal.

 

“Have you got a boyfriend?” piped up his mother, sounding more enthusiastic than Sebastian could ever have imagined.

“Oh, umm, no,” stumbled Sebastian, picking up his half-cold coffee and taking refuge in drinking it.

“Mark's not your boyfriend is he?” asked his father.

Seb nearly choked on his drink. “No! I mean, no, we're just friends.”

His father nodded slowly, looking Sebastian carefully in the eye. “You can tell us you know?”

“We're just friends Dad.”

“You talk about him an awful lot,” pointed out his father.

 

 _Did he?_   Sebastian wasn't aware of that. He knew he must have mentioned Mark a few times on the phone, did he go on about him all the time without realising?

“I can actually just be friends with a guy too you know Dad?” emphasised Sebastian.

It was an approximation of the truth because Seb was well aware that there was more to it with him and Mark, but they _were_ just friends, he wasn't lying to his parents.

His father held up his hands. “Okay, I was just wondering.”

“Have there been, I mean, you know..?” pressed his father.

Sebastian looked down. There was no way he could talk about his past experiences.

“I'd, umm, I'd rather not get into that...”

Sebastian felt horribly uncomfortable.

“Don't interrogate him Norbert.” admonished his mother. The last thing she wanted was their son going back into his shell if they pushed him too hard.

“It's fine Seb, alright? You don't have to tell us anything you don't want to,” assured his mother.

“I'm not seeing anyone right now,” offered Sebastian.

“Good-looking boy like you?” smiled his father. “Why ever not?”

Sebastian caught his eye and actually laughed along with him. Oh god he'd been terrified of their reaction and now his father was making jokes. It was fine. Things were going to be fine. He'd been such an idiot worrying about this for so long.

 

They managed to talk a little more without things being too awkward. Sebastian explained that he felt he couldn't go public in his position and his parents agreed with his decision. They both thought that it seemed a shame that their son was made to feel by the world that there was something wrong with him and he had to keep his sexuality a secret. No wonder Seb had been led to feel he couldn't talk about it.

 

“Are you going to talk to your brother and sisters about it?” asked his father. “We can talk to them if you like.”

“Oh, umm, no. I'd rather... I think it should be me.”

“We'll call your sisters. Ask them to come over,” suggested his mother.

Sebastian frowned. “You don't have to.”

“Don't you want them to know?” asked his father.

“Well. Yes. Of course I do.”

“So?” pressed his mother.

“Okay, call them. But don't, you know, if they're busy... They don't have to run around after me. I can tell them some other time.”

“I'm sure they could come over Seb,” insisted his father. “Tomorrow if not today.”

 

Sebastian nodded. Maybe it would be better to get this all out at once. It wouldn't really be fair on his sisters if everyone else knew and they didn't. Besides he was going to tell Fabian, and what odds his little brother could keep it from them?

 _Fabian._ Oh good lord. He was going to have to tell to his little brother. What on earth was that going to be like?

 

 

They had lunch in the kitchen and Sebastian was relieved that he wasn't the only topic of conversation. He didn't want to be entirely defined by coming out to his parents. Being gay was really only part of him. A pretty important part of him, but it wasn't everything. Sebastian just wanted it to be an accepted bit of background information so he could carry on being normal with his family. Maybe if that was true, Seb would feel more relaxed with his family than he ever had before?

 

 

Fabian arrived home from football practice a bundle of energy, knocking into his older brother with a slightly muddy hug. Seb prayed his brother wouldn't be any less pleased to see him once the day was over.

They let Fabian grab a sandwich and get a shower before Sebastian headed upstairs to talk to him. His mother gave him a hug and told him not to worry, that his little brother thought the world of him. Sebastian hoped she was right when his mum assured him that wouldn't change.

 

Sebastian knocked on his brother's bedroom door.

“Hey Fabe, you in there?”

His brother opened the door, his hair still wet.

“Hey.”

“Can I come in?” requested Sebastian.

“Sure,” Fabian allowed him in and bounced back to sit on the bed. Seb joined him there.

“Did you win the match?” asked Sebastian.

“Hmm? Oh it wasn't a match, it was just practice,” explained Fabian.

“Right. Of course...”

“Hey Seb, can I tell you something?”

“Sure you can,” assured Sebastian, he wanted his brother to be able to share things him the same way Seb wanted to able tell Fabian things. That was what brothers did, right?

“Okay,” continued Fabian confidentially. “Right, you can't tell Mum and Dad, but I totally failed this maths test and I'm so screwed at school.”

 

Sebastian laughed out loud. What were they like? How soon it started that you hid the things you were ashamed of from your parents.

 

“You won't tell them?” pleaded his brother anxiously.

“Oh, no, of course not. No don't worry. Look, Fabian, can't you just re-take the test?”

Fabian shrugged, “I'm not sure. Maybe if I asked Herr Voight...”

“Ask him,” suggested Seb reassuringly. “I'm sure it's not that big a deal, you know?”

“Okay, thanks. Yeah.”

“He's really not that bad. He was there when I was at school. I'm sure if you explained why you failed...”

“I went to a party and I didn't do any revision. I thought I could just wing it,” admitted Fabian.

“Yeah, come up with a better reason than that,” smiled Seb.

“Okay. Yeah, good point. I will. Thanks.”

 

Seb nodded. _Time to go in_ , he thought.

“So, umm Fabe, I wanted to talk to you about something. Is that okay?”

Fabian frowned at how serious his brother sounded.

“Er, yeah. Okay, course you can.”

“Okay, great. Good. Okay then...”

Fabian looked at him oddly. “Seb?”

“Yeah, okay Fabian I need to tell you about this; it's kindof a big deal and I sort of need you to hear me out.”

Fabian nodded. Why was his brother being so weird?

 

Sebastian knew the only way was to leap in.

“I'm gay.”

There was a pause.

“Is that all?”

 

Seb stared at his brother. _Is that all?_ What the hell?

“What do you mean 'is that all'?” asked Sebastian. That definitely hadn't been the reaction he's been expecting.

“Well you said I need to hear you out,” explained Fabian innocently.

“Oh, right, well, no I guess that was it, mostly,” stumbled Seb.

“Right,” nodded his brother.

“Are you okay with it?” checked Sebastian. Fabian was young, but he was old enough to understand what it meant, surely?

“Umm, yeah I guess. Sure. Have you just decided?”

“What?” frowned Seb.

“That you're gay.”

“Oh, ha, no. It's not really something you _decide_ Fabian. It's who I am.”

“You don't fancy me do you?” asked Fabian.

“What the..?” Sebastian goggled at his brother.

“Er, _no_ Fabian! I don't fancy you, because a: You're my brother, b: You're a child, and c: Did I mention you're my brother?! Bloody hell. I'm _gay,_ not a pervert.”

Fabian looked embarrassed. “Sorry, yeah, no. I know. I don't know why I said that.”

Sebastian shook his head slightly despairingly. “That's like asking if you fancy Mum!”

“Oh my god, gross!”

“Thank you.” Sebastian raised his eyebrows.

“Sorry.”

“You little weirdo.”

Sebastian softened his taunt with a smile and pushed his shoulder into Fabian's. He had to remind himself that Fabian was just a kid. This was a lot to throw at him.

“Being gay just means I like guys not girls, not that I fancy _all_ males on the planet,” explained Sebastian.

 

Fabian nodded and stared at the carpet for a minute.

“I'm sorry I said that. I'm not a complete idiot, I do get it,” tried Fabian.

“I know you're not,” assured Seb. He didn't want to make his brother feel bad.

 

They were quiet for a moment whilst each tried to think what to say.

“Have you got a boyfriend?” asked Fabian.

Seb shook his head wondering why that was everyone's first inquiry.

“Do you want one?” queried his brother.

That threw Sebastian. It was a good question.

“Maybe I could help you find one,” offered Fabian. “I'm sure there's websites and stuff online...”

“Noooo, okay Fabian you don't go looking at _anything_ online.”

Good god, their parents would never forgive him if his little brother stumbled across the kind of things that existed on the internet, he'd probably be mentally scarred for life.

It was sweet that his little brother wanted to help him out though, bless him.

 

“It's very kind of you Fabian, but I'll manage, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So are we alright then?” checked Sebastian. “You don't think I'm, I don't know, weird or wrong?”

Seb deeply wanted his brother not to think badly of him.

“No, of course not.”

“Oh okay then, good,” said Sebastian, feeling relieved.

 

Fabian creased his brow. “I think you're the only gay person I've met.”

Sebastian laughed. “I guarantee you that isn't true Fabian.”

“Hmm? Oh yeah. I guess. But I mean I don't know anyone who's gay.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “How many people are there in your year at school?”

“I dunno exactly, two hundred maybe,” answered Fabian wondering what his brother was on about.

Sebastian smiled. “Law of averages says they aren't all straight Fabian, even if they don't quite know it yet.”

“I am,” asserted Fabian.

“Well, great. Good luck to you Fabe,” laughed Seb. Then he smiled and leaned in towards his little brother. “Have you got a girlfriend?” he teased.

Fabian went pink. “Oh, umm, no. I just, umm. I like girls that's all.”

Sebastian shrugged. “Fine by me.”

Fabian nodded. This was such a strange conversation to be having.

 

“Is it a secret?” queried Fabian. “I mean you, being gay that is.”

Sebastian paused. The bigger implications of coming out were more complicated for him.

“Well, it's difficult, for me, you know.”

Fabian nodded again, trying to show that he was understanding. “Cos you're famous?”

Seb never considered himself to be famous, but he wasn't stupid enough to think him coming out would go unnoticed.

Sebastian puffed out a breath, “I guess, yeah. Especially given what I do. It'd be a pretty big deal and to be honest Fabian I'd rather not be in the spotlight for that when I just want to do my job, you know?”

“Yeah, okay. You'd probably get tabloids hassling you and stuff.”

“Mmm,” agreed Sebastian. “I could do without that.”

“I won't tell anyone,” promised Fabian earnestly.

Sebastian smiled. “Thanks. I appreciate that. It's not that I think there's anything wrong with being gay you understand Fabe, it's just, I don't know, private...”

Fabian nodded.

“Do Mum and Dad know?”

“Yeah I just told them.”

“Wow. Where they like, okay?”

“Yeah, they were fine. Mel and Steph are coming over in a bit. I haven't told them yet, so if you could manage to give me chance to talk to them first before you pile in there, that would be great.”

“Okay.”

“Think you can restrain yourself?” teased Sebastian.

His brother pulled an offended face. “Of course I can.” Then his expression changed and he smiled contentedly. “You told me first then?”

Seb rolled his eyes. “Yeah mate, I did.”

Fabian was just a kid, he was actually handling this very well considering.

“Are we all alright then?” checked Sebastian again.

“Sure,” answered Fabian simply.

“Okay, good. Thank you.”

Seb paused, knowing he was being probably a little unfair asking his brother for reassurance. “Fabe, you don't think of me any differently do you?”

His brother shrugged. “No. I don't think so. No. Course not.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that. Are you gonna think I'm weird if I give you a hug?”

Fabian rolled his eyes. He still felt stupid for what had popped out of his mouth when his brother had first told him.

“No, it's fine.”

 

Sebastian leant over and give his brother a firm hug. His family was fantastic. Seb thought he was incredibly lucky. This had been the hard bit. Somehow he knew that telling his sisters wasn't going to be half as bad.

 

As they got up to head downstairs, Fabian stopped and turned in the doorway to his brother and started laughing. Seb frowned at him.

“What?”

“Oh boy, _no one_ is gonna care that I failed that maths test today!” Fabian laughed happily.

Sebastian shook his head and smiled. “Yeah, okay you get this one. I'd tell Mum and Dad as quickly as possible. Today they _really_ won't care.”

“Brilliant,” grinned Fabian.

 

 

As Seb had expected, talking to his sisters was easier. What he _hadn't_ expected was that two minutes into his very earnest speech, his sisters would be sat at the kitchen table, laughing themselves silly.

 

“Oi!” scowled Sebastian. “That's not very supportive.”

“Oh Seb, sorry,” apologised Melanie, “but really, you thought we didn't _know?”_

Sebastian faced his two grinning sisters feeling stunned. He was fairly certain it was meant to be the other way around.

“You knew?”

“Of course we knew Seb,” explained Stefanie, rather more gently. “It was kind of obvious.”

“Was it?” queried Sebastian, still shocked.

“Well, yes. I mean, not a girlfriend in sight and you're a Formula One driver for gods sake.”

“Yeah and you're kinda loaded aren't you Seb?” added Melanie, “I'd have thought super-models would be all over you like flies.”

Sebastian shrugged, “I guess. I wasn't interested.”

 

The pair of them pointedly raised their eyebrows. Sebastian had almost forgotten what a formidable double act his sisters could be.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so I'm afraid we drew our own conclusions there Sebby.”

“Right. Mum and Dad didn't.”

“No, well...”

“Fabian had no idea.”

“He's just a little kid!”

Sebastian wondered briefly if his little brother hadn't been a bit nicer to him about this than his all-knowing sisters.

“You never said anything,” accused Sebastian.

“We didn't want to make you feel awkward,” suggested Melanie.

Seb looked down at the table.

“It might have helped, you know?”

His sisters both suddenly felt guilty.

“Sorry Seb.”

“Sorry. We thought we _were_ helping.”

 

Sebastian looked up at them. What was the point in making them feel bad. He supposed could have had a worse reaction from them.

Seb shrugged. “It's okay. You've all been really good about it.”

Stephanie returned his shrug. “Why shouldn't we be?”

“I don't know. Not everyone in the world is alright with it.”

“Who cares about them, Seb?” insisted Stefanie.

“Exactly,” chimed Melanie.

“Does this mean you're not coming out, _out,_ then?” asked Stefanie.

 

Seb felt awkward. He didn't like the idea that he was going to carry on keeping it a secret, but at the same time he knew that coming out to his family had been a huge challenge. He didn't think he was up to telling the world.

“Umm, not right now. You won't go telling everyone will you?”

“Course not.”

“We haven't so far, have we?”

Fair point, thought Sebastian.

“Okay. Thanks. It's just complicated. You know?”

“Of course.”

They both nodded.

 

They sat there for a few minutes sipping their drinks until he could see his sisters eyeing one another.

“Okay, go ahead, ask,” challenged Sebastian.

“What?” dodged Melanie with an innocent voice.

“You're dying to ask me. Go ahead,” offered Seb.

His sisters were pretty obvious too he thought.

“Are you seeing anyone?” asked Stefanie gleefully.

Sebastian rolled his eyes. Why was everyone obsessed with asking him this?

“No.”

“Really?” said Melanie, sounding disappointed. She frowned at him. “You sure?”

Seb laughed. “I'm pretty sure I'd have noticed.”

“Oh, okay then.”

 

Sebastian couldn't quite work out why his sisters looked so surprised about that.

“Anyway, speaking of which, Mum tells me _you_ have a new boyfriend, Mel.” Seb decided he wasn't the only one who was fair game.

“Yeah,” smiled Stephanie, turning on her sister. “Let's talk about that!”

“You know, I'm sure I heard Mum calling us just then...” fibbed Melanie, getting up from her seat to avoid being cross-examined by her siblings. “...I'd better just go see what she wants.”

 

Sebastian and Stefanie smiled as their sister left the room.

Stefanie got up and crossed round to her brother's side and leant down towards him.

“I'm sorry we never said anything Seb. I guess that was pretty stupid of us.”

Seb shrugged. “It's okay. I'm glad you're alright with it. Everyone's been pretty great actually. I guess I worried for nothing.”

Stefanie felt guilty again at her little brother worrying away when they could have helped him.

“Course we're alright with it. There's nothing to worry about Seb, okay.”

His sister reached over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, then smiled and ruffled his hair just like she used to when he was a little boy. It used to annoy the hell out him, but Seb was terribly glad of it right now.

 

Stefanie followed her sister's path out of the room and Sebastian was left alone thinking how incredibly lucky he was to have the family he did.

He smiled to himself and pulled out his phone.

 

 

 

 

One hundred miles away Mark sat drinking coffee in a break before his team's last meeting of the day. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Mark pulled it out and read the message. He frowned, momentarily confused, before remembering and grinning to himself.

 

SEB: 'I think I have to give you all my money now.'

 

Mark fired off a couple of quick replies:

 

MARK: 'I take cheques or bank transfers ;) '

MARK: 'Seriously tho. That's the best news. I'm really happy for you. I've got another meeting now, sorry. Let me know when you're free & I'll call you as soon as I'm done. Or whenever suits. Don't worry if you're busy with your family.'

 

Timo leant towards him. “Did you win the lottery or something?”

“Hmm?”

“Yeah, you look very happy all of a sudden,” noted Brendon. “Care to share?”

“Nope,” grinned Mark, switching off his phone as they got up to go back into the meeting room.

It was nobody's business but theirs.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not all surprises in life are bad ones


	26. You Can't Always Get What You Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't always get what you want...

 

When Mark saw Sebastian on his return to England he gave him what may have been their longest hug yet. He genuinely felt as unselfishly happy and relieved for another person than he thought he ever had for someone who wasn't actually family. Although in many ways it felt as though Seb _was_ family.

It was a hug of congratulation and just a tiny bit of triumph.

Mark had never been more pleased to have been right about something in his life. Strangely enough his emotions on this seemed largely unconnected to his feelings about Sebastian. Perhaps that wasn't completely true, but it felt that way to Mark. He didn't want to complicate the moment in his head, it was just about friendship. It was about Seb resolving this with his family and not having to worry about it any more. It was about him having the confidence to be brave about something in his personal life. It was about Seb being happy in himself.

 

Thinking about it later on as he lay in his bed, Mark realised that for all his desire to have more with Seb, he did value their friendship on it's own terms. It was nice to know that, but it didn't mean the rest of his feelings towards Sebastian weren't the underlying cause of his increasingly recurrent sleeplessness.

As Seb was getting better, Mark thought he was getting worse; his thoughts about Sebastian circled and spiralled, but they never got anywhere constructive.

Mark knew Seb liked him and that he was far stronger these days, but he didn't know it Seb  _liked_ him and if he was in a place where he was truly capable of handling Mark asking him if he returned his feelings. There was only one way to find out, but if Seb wasn't ready, if he wasn't quite as robust as he appeared, Mark thought it could destroy their friendship and he knew Sebastian definitely couldn't do without that, and neither could he.

It was a nightmare; the risk was too high, the stakes too big. The whole situation was made more complicated by the fact that Mark knew only too well how good Sebastian was at putting on a front pretending that he was fine, and whilst he hoped that wasn't what he did with him, he couldn't be one hundred percent sure. Besides, now wasn't the time, they were about to enter the frenetic last part of the motor-racing racing season and they'd barely see one another until December. Best to concentrate on that for now.

 

 

Before the pair of them flew in opposite directions around the world, Mark went around to Sebastian's for a last dinner, taking the dogs with him because he knew Seb would like that.

Mark had a little going away present for Sebastian with him as well. It wasn't _really_ a present he justified to himself. Just something practical that would be useful, and it wasn't as if he'd wrapped it, so it barely counted as a gift at all. That was what Mark told himself.

 

Seb opened the bag and pulled out two dog bowls.

“I thought you'd need them if these guys are going to be staying here a bit,” explained Mark.

Sebastian looked at them and beamed with happiness.

“Oh Mark, that's brilliant. Thank you.”

Mark couldn't hide how pleased he was to see Seb liked them.

“Well, you know, couldn't let them go eating off your plates all the time.”

 

Sebastian put the bowls down in the corner of the kitchen he'd assigned to the dogs and decided he would buy them some proper baskets to sleep in before they came to stay so they would really feel at home. They were the biggest comfort in his mind when Seb thought about the strains of the upcoming month and how he'd hardly see Mark for ages.

 

Mark left Sebastian's house piling the dogs into the car in time to get an early night before his flight in the morning. He'd be going to bed early; whether he'd actually get any sleep was another matter.

 

 

 

The next five weeks were just as bad as both Mark and Sebastian had feared: Airports and hotels, suitcases and changing their watches to match new time-zones. They talked on the phone and sent text messages, but it wasn't the same as actually seeing one another, and if they managed that at all, one or other of them was usually either just back from a race or about to head off to one and they were too tired to do anything much other than be grateful they were in one another's company, however briefly.

 

Sebastian found racing once again the simplest part of his life. Without the pressure of a title run he didn't have to think beyond the next practice session, the next car set-up, the next start from the grid, the next corner, the next little tussle with a competitor on track.

Before each race he sat in his room and read Mark's letter and reminded himself that each race still mattered, he couldn't give up. Mark would be watching; he couldn't let him down. He couldn't let himself down.

 

Seb watched as it became more obvious that the team was swinging behind Daniel making an outside attempt to challenge the Mercedes boys and realised what it must have been like for Mark in that position. Seb was well aware that it wasn't quite the same though. Christian had made a point of sitting him down and asking him to support his team-mate with the clear understanding that there would be a re-set as soon as the season was over and Seb and Dan would be on an equal footing going into the following year. Seb could handle that. How could he be bitter when he already had four World Championships under his belt? There was no point resenting Daniel his chance, even if it was an outside chance. If he really pulled it off against all expectations, Sebastian thought he would be genuinely happy for him.

Seb certainly thought Daniel was better off than Lewis and Nico. Dan was the dark horse; all to play for, nothing to lose.

Just like him in 2010. A long time ago.

Sebastian thought he wouldn't want to be one of the Mercedes drivers when they arrived in Abu Dhabi. All that stress written on their faces, in every bit of body-language on show. They had everything to win, everything to lose and nothing mattered more than that one race result.

At least when Seb had been in a similar position in Brazil in 2012 it hadn't been with this ridiculous double points business. How could you value one race above all the others? Wasn't the last race of the season already important enough? It was crazy. Sebastian didn't care if he got into a little bit of trouble with the team for saying so to the media. When DC joked with him live on air that Mark had left the position open for an outspoken RedBull driver and Seb seemed to be stepping into it, Sebastian claimed he thought that high praise.

  
In a house far away in the Buckinghamshire countryside, Mark sat watching on TV, cracking up with laughter and immediately texted Seb teasing him that he must be a bad influence.

 

Seb felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and tried not to let on too obviously on camera. He knew who that message would be from. He gave a secret little grin and looked directly into the camera. Mark thought he was looking right at him, which in a way, he was.

 

 

They had one night on the Monday after the race when they were both home, for Mark to wind Seb up about it in person before he had to catch his flight out for his final race of the year.

 

It was exactly one year since that night in Brazil. For some reason they didn't talk about it. Sebastian thought he couldn't go there with Mark almost gone already. They had so little time, why spoil it with memories that were associated with such pain?

Mark thought Sebastian seemed relieved that he was done with this horribly tough season, why remind him of his past when he seemed happy? Besides, Mark couldn't risk getting Seb upset when he wouldn't be there to pick up the pieces.

So they didn't talk about the past. They just sat there watching TV, making jokes, talking about how they couldn't believe it was almost December and how they were looking forward to a little free time coming up before Christmas.

 

Mark went to bed that night and slept soundly, not regretting his choice; One more race and the year would be done and then they could go back to reality. Everything could wait until then. One more race and one more opportunity to really push with the team to see what they could achieve in Porsche's first season back competing in the Endurance Championship.

 

 

Arriving in Brazil, Mark tried not to get ahead of himself, but things really were looking good. Far better than they could have hoped for in their first year. They had worked for it though, they deserved it, and whilst podiums were fantastic, what they really wanted was a win. Just _one_ win to seal the season and count it a success.

Mark wasn't unrealistic. They weren't in a position to challenge for the championship, but Porsche had upset the balance in the battle between Audi and Toyota that had been going on for some years now and forced them to raise their game. The team's development was part of the bigger plan that had encouraged Mark to sign for them in the first place, but now hopes had been raised and whilst Mark tried to damp them down, he could help dreaming of a win, just _one_ win. It had been such a long time since he'd stood on the top step.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat at home watching with the dogs at his feet as Mark trudged back to the garage.

 

The engine had given out. It had caused a fire and Seb had been in bits waiting for Mark to get out of the car, praying that he was okay. There was a fair bit of smoke, once the marshals had extinguished it there wasn't much sign of damage, but his race was done. Mark had been stood with his arms folded watching on from the side as they dealt with it.

Seb knew he must be devastated. As Mark stood in the garage he kept his helmet on. Seb understood what that meant only too well. He'd been there enough himself too many times, it was the universally recognised sign language for 'I'm too hacked off to face anyone right now, leave me alone'.

Sebastian stroked the dogs and reassured them that Mark was okay. Seb thought he felt almost as disappointed as Mark must be; they'd been challenging for the lead of the race when disaster struck. It was so unfair. Racing could be cruel sometimes.

 

Sebastian pulled out his phone and sent Mark a text asking him to call when he could, if he wanted to talk that was.

But Mark didn't call.

Seb tried not to feel hurt. Perhaps they were busy with a team debrief? He waited up until the early hours, but nothing. Sebastian was so stoked up with coffee he couldn't sleep, but maybe Mark had gone straight from the track to the hotel. He must be tired. That would be it; He would be tired out.

Sebastian stared at his phone wondering whether it ought to be up to him to call. He looked at it for a long while before finally dialling, but it went straight to voicemail. He tried really hard not to be hurt, but it wasn't working. Mark might not want to talk to anyone right now, but Seb wasn't _anyone_. Why was he ignoring him?

  
Seb sent Mark another text message saying he was really sorry and he hoped Mark was okay, but still got nothing back. Maybe the battery on Mark's phone had run out?

Sebastian decided he'd wait up a little bit longer in case Mark called him and fell asleep on the sofa where he sat, waking up at nearly mid-day with a crick in his neck and a headache, and a text from Mark saying that he was alright but had to catch his flight now.

So there was no point waiting for any contact now, it was a long flight, Mark wouldn't arrive back in England until the early hours. The arrangement was that Seb would bring the dogs home the following day, so that was that. Sebastian fed the dogs and promised them he'd give them an extra long walk later and went to bed to get some proper rest. He didn't care if it was the middle of the day, he was exhausted.

 

 

Mark was at the airport looking at the text he'd just got back from Seb telling him it was no problem and he'd see him tomorrow when he brought the dogs around. He knew he'd been terse with Seb and ignored his call. He knew it was unfair, but he just didn't want to talk to Sebastian right now. He didn't want to hear his condolences and sympathy. He didn't want to hear Seb sounding disappointed. He'd wanted to impress Sebastian, he hadn't admitted that to himself before the race, but he knew it was true, and it had all gone wrong. True to form it had all _gone wrong_. Mark had always had bad luck if he had any luck at all.

He sat on the plane feeling guilty that he'd brushed Sebastian off. He wanted to call him now, but it was too late; the stewardess had already been round checking all mobile devices were switched off. He was so tired. He just wanted to be home already. He wanted to see Seb. And he _didn't_ want to see Seb, because of everything that implied; now their seasons were over, part of his reasons for putting off talking to him about things was gone. Mark didn't feel up to confronting that now. He really _was_ tired. Not that he could sleep. He had a headache. His head was too full of thoughts and worries and _stuff_. Too much stuff. His head was fucked.

 

 

Sebastian left sending Mark any more messages until mid-morning the next day when he checked when Mark wanted him to come over. The reply took a while, but Seb presumed he was catching up on some sleep with a lie-in. Mark asked him to hold off until after lunch, which Sebastian thought was fair enough. Hopefully Mark would have had to time to have recovered a little bit from his disappointment by then.

 

 

As it turned out Seb realised on his arrival that Mark had by no means recovered from his weekend. He still got a hug when he walked in with the dogs to find Mark in the kitchen, but Mark seemed more pleased to see the dogs than Sebastian and it was hard not to notice that.

Mark was crouched on the floor giving the dogs a rub and Seb stood awkwardly by the door wondering if he wasn't wanted.

“I'm really sorry Mark,” started Sebastian.

Mark turned to look at him and tiredly pulled himself upright.

“You don't need to be sorry Seb,” Mark shrugged helplessly, “just one of those things.”

“Yeah but you were going great, I really thought you were going to win,” said Sebastian.

 

Unfortunately it seemed that was the wrong thing to say.

Mark slumped down into one of the kitchen chairs.

“Yeah mate, me too. Should've known better.”

Mark sounded so defeated and Seb hated to hear the tone in his voice.

“Oh don't say that Mark.”

Mark shrugged with one shoulder again and Seb could see the tension in his body.

Sebastian joined him at the table.

“Never get any luck do I?”

“It was very unfair.”

Mark puffed out a long breath. “I was trying too hard.”

Sebastian shook his head. “No such thing in racing.”

Mark almost laughed. “Ah Seb, you know that's not true. The team reckon I was pushing too much and overheated things, and that's what caused it.”

“Oh.” Seb didn't really know how to counter that.

“Yeah. So...”

“Well you looked good to me.”

“Right up to the point where I set the car on fire?”

Seb would have made a joke of it, but clearly Mark wasn't in the mood.

“Scared the hell out of me,” admitted Sebastian.

 

Mark looked at him thinking how even at the time it had crossed his mind to wonder if Seb would be worrying about him. Was it wrong to be gratified that he had been?

 

“Wasn't a big fire. Just enough to screw the engine.”

“And your race.”

“And my race,” echoed Mark, sounding bitter.

“Did the team blame you?” wondered Sebastian.

“A bit. They were pretty matter of fact about what happened, what the causes were.”

“That's hardly fair. You were racing, what did they expect? That's why they hired you,” asserted Sebastian.

“Not to destroy their car they didn't,” disagreed Mark.

Seb shook his head. “They should have built a better car. If it can't stand up to actually racing...”

“It's not the same in Endurance racing Seb, you can't just push all out, you've got to take it steady. Maybe I forgot.”

“I'm sure you didn't.”

“You wouldn't understand.”

 

Seb looked down at the table feeling hurt.

Mark immediately felt awful that he'd bitten Sebastian's head off when he was just trying to be sympathetic.

He sighed. “Look, sorry. I didn't mean that. I just mean it's different. I thought I'd adapted well, but maybe not so much.”

Seb looked up to face Mark, trying not to show how much Mark's rejection of his words hurt.

“I'm sure you have. It's just the first year. You'll do better next season.”

“Maybe,” replied Mark sounding downbeat.

“I know you will,” insisted Sebastian, trying to sound positive enough for the both of them.

“I have to.”

“I do know what it's like Mark, I've not caught up with these new regs at all this year like I thought I would.”

Mark couldn't help but be annoyed at how Seb was simplifying things.

“No mate you don't. It's not the same. WEC is completely different. And for me,” Mark sighed, “it's a big deal.”

“Of course it's a big deal, I didn't mean to imply...”

“Seb, I'm sorry and I know you've had a rough year and everything, but it's not the same for you. This is my chance to finally achieve something.”

Seb frowned. “You've achieved plenty.”

Mark gave a hollow laugh. “Easy for you to say with four World Championships.”

“Right,” replied Sebastian in a quiet voice.

 

Seb felt crushed. Mark had always said he didn't resent his success, but clearly he did.

“I'm sorry,” Sebastian sounded upset.

Mark heard the tone in Seb's voice and felt like a complete shit for throwing all his support back in his face.

“No, _I'm_ sorry. That was a rotten thing to say.”

“It's okay. It's true.”

“No Seb. It's not fair to say that. I know how hard this year has been for you.”

“If I could give you...” tried Sebastian.

“Seb...”

“2010...”

Mark rubbed his face in frustration. “I don't want to be _given_ anything. I want to earn it. I want to achieve something for myself. This is my chance, with Porsche. I _have_ to make this work.”

 

Sebastian just nodded his head. He had no idea what he was meant to say to make Mark feel better.

“I'm sorry Seb. I can't do this right now. I know I'm being an arse. I just can't help it.”

Mark sounded so frustrated and worn out and Sebastian couldn't stand to hear it. He was about to suggest that maybe they should go out and walk the dogs to get some fresh air, or offer to make Mark a coffee and go distract themselves with some TV when Mark spoke again.

 

“I think you should go. I'm ragged out and I'm gonna say something I'll regret.”

Sebastian was stunned. He couldn't recall a single time Mark had asked him to leave before. He tried to think of something to say, something to do to make things better, but he was drawing a blank.

“Oh,” was all that leaked out of Sebastian's mouth.

“I'm not a very nice person to be around right now Seb, I'm sorry, but I can't help it, I'm just too pissed off with the world.”

 

Sebastian swallowed and nodded.

Mark got up and walked out of the room. He couldn't stand to see the hurt look on Seb's face. Hurt he had caused because he was angry and upset and tired.

He shut himself in his study not even wanting to let the dogs come in. He wasn't capable of facing anyone right now, he was hurting those around him when they didn't deserve it, just because they were in range.

 

 

Seb sat there abandoned in the kitchen feeling terrible. He thought he might cry, but that was a child's reaction. He wasn't going to cry. He swallowed hard again and leant his head down on his arms resting on the table-top for a moment gathering himself.

He heard a noise and thought for a moment that it might be Mark coming back in, but it was the dogs walking over to stand by him, pushing their noses into his thigh to get his attention. Seb petted them and felt a little better.

“He's just cross right now. It'll be okay.”

Mark was disappointed and tired. Seb thought it very unfair that the team had put the blame on Mark for their DNF. No wonder he was upset.

He thought for a minute whether he ought to do as Mark had requested and go home, but Seb needed to know he was really alright. Sebastian decided to wait for a bit while Mark cooled down and if he still wanted him to leave he'd go then. Just as long as he knew Mark was going to be okay.

 

 

 

Mark skulked around in his study, glaring at inanimate objects for nearly an hour, before crashing down in his office chair and dropping his head into his hands feeling the weight of everything bearing down on him.

How could he have thrown Seb out like that? He'd looked so upset. Those impossible big blue eyes looking at him like Seb couldn't believe what he was hearing. All Sebastian had tried to do was be nice to Mark and he'd just rejected him and said mean things to him which he didn't deserve at all.

Mark felt like crying. He knew it wasn't Seb he was upset with. He was annoyed with what the team had said and he was annoyed with himself for making a mistake and ruining their best chance at a win all year. Seb had just been in the firing line because he was there.

What he really wanted right now was a hug to make him feel better. He wanted that hug from Seb and he'd gone and chucked him out. It was his own fault, thought Mark. He'd been horrible to Seb. He'd have to find a way to apologise and make it up to him somehow.

At least the dogs might give him a little bit of affection if they weren't too put out that he'd shut himself away.

He got up with a heavy heart and headed back towards the kitchen to see if the dogs needed feeding.

 

 

Mark walked back into the room and was slightly stunned to see Sebastian sat at his kitchen table drinking his coffee.

 

“Hey,” said Seb quietly.

Mark shook his head to himself, Sebastian hadn't given up on him despite all the cause he'd given him. He pulled up a chair and shifted it alongside Seb.

“Hey,” he replied in an equally quiet voice. “I'm sorry”

“It's okay.”

“No it's not. I was being an arsehole. I'm sorry Seb. I'm just tired and wound up. It's not you. It's me. You didn't deserve that at all.”

Seb stared at his coffee mug.

“It's not you Seb. Okay? It's just how I get. You're gonna have to learn just to give me some space when I get unbearable like that, alright?”

Seb nodded, still not really looking at him.

“Okay?” prompted Mark, trying to get Seb to look at him.

“Yeah, okay,” agreed Seb finally turning to Mark.

“Cos I hate it when I take my bad mood out on you and make you feel like this. It's not the first time either, and that's just unacceptable.”

“I'm alright. I was just worried about you.”

“It's _not_ alright though, and I don't want you worrying about me either.”

Seb huffed a little almost laugh. “Yeah well the ship's kinda sailed on that one Mark. I can't help worrying about you.”

 

It was Mark's turn to nod silently; he couldn't speak, he had a lump in his throat.

They sat there for a minute. Sebastian sipped his coffee.

“I'm really fine. I just needed to let off some steam. I shouldn't have directed it at you though.”

“Just as long as I know it's not me you're mad at.”

“Of course it's not you.”

Seb nodded again looking right at Mark.

“I notice you didn't pay any attention to what I said anyway,” continued Mark.

“Hmm?”

“You're still here.”

“Oh, yeah, I wanted to see if you were alright. I didn't think you really meant it about kicking me out.”

“I didn't. Of course I didn't. I'm so sorry I said that Seb. And I didn't mean what I said about you not getting it, about you having won before, I didn't mean any of it.”

“It's alright.” Seb looked at him and nodded. “It's okay, really. I know you didn't.”

 

Mark smiled at Seb's reassurance relieving his guilt a little and shook his head. “I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like you.”

Sebastian looked at him a little amazed.

Mark moved up against Seb to give him an affectionate little push with his shoulder.

“You know you're my best friend right?” Mark made sure he had Seb's full attention. “Right?”

“Not Fernando?”

Mark shook his head looking at Seb as if he was crazy to think that.

“No, not Fernando, Seb. You.”

Seb couldn't help a wide smile spreading across his face.

“You're my best friend too.” God didn't it feel amazing to say that?

“Well, that's a relief, this'd be pretty awkward otherwise,” grinned Mark. “Who'd have thought we'd be saying that, once upon a time, eh?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark slid his arm around Sebastian's shoulders and pulled him in. He was so glad Seb hadn't listened to him and left. He was a colossal idiot. Thank god Seb stayed. He didn't deserve him.

 

Seb sunk his head down on to Mark's shoulder feeling as though his heart might just explode out of his chest he was so happy. Mark was everything to him and he was everything to Mark. That was incredible. They'd never said that out loud before. He'd always wondered if maybe Mark just felt an obligation towards him, that he didn't need Seb just as much as Seb needed Mark, but he'd just told him that he did.

Seb shut his eyes and hoped the moment never ended.

Mark saw Sebastian closing his eyes and thought again how beautiful those long lashes were. Seb was beautiful. The whole of him was beautiful, inside and out. Mark desperately wanted to lean down and kiss him, tell him how he really felt about him. But he couldn't. The moment was too perfect, he couldn't ruin it by launching himself at Sebastian and freaking him out. Seb looked so happy right now, he couldn't spoil that. He squeezed Seb a little tighter and thought to himself that if he didn't do something about this soon he was going to die.

 

They pulled apart and Seb tried a smile. “Guess you have to try a little harder if you want to throw me out in future.”

Mark shook his head. “I won't want to throw you out. Course not. I was going to come in here and call you, ask if I could come over to apologise.”

Seb paused before speaking. “I understand why you're upset, it's because you care so much.”

“Yeah, guess so,” admitted Mark.

“That's a good thing really,” proposed Seb.

That stopped Mark for a moment, it was a good point.

“If you didn't care, you wouldn't be the racer you are.”

“Thanks, that's, well that's nice of you to say so. I guess that's true. If we didn't care, we wouldn't be bothered.”

“And you'd never achieve anything, but you have. You've done great this year Mark. And you always said it was meant to be a foundation year.”

“True.”

“So next year will be better, because you'll build on this. You're not going to stop trying.”

 

Seb knew the concept of giving up was entirely alien to Mark. It simply wasn't in his DNA. No matter how tough things got, no matter how many times he got knocked down, he'd get up and keep swinging.

“It's nice you've got such faith in me,” confessed Mark.

“Of course I do,” answered Seb simply. It was never in doubt.

Seb smiled at Mark. “I'm looking forward to watching you win next year.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” said Sebastian firmly.

“Maybe you could actually come and watch me race sometime,” suggested Mark.

“At Le Mans? That'd be great. I'd love to. Yeah I'll definitely come.” Sebastian was warmed by the invitation.

Mark nudged into Seb. “It's a plan then. Think you can stay up all night again?”

“Course. That'd be fun. I'd love to come watch you race.”

Seb felt so much better thinking about how Mark wanted him there with him at his most important race of the year.

“I'll come and watch you win,” said Sebastian with absolute surety.

 

Mark smiled back at him. Seb sounded as though he had no doubt at all that this was what would happen. Hearing him say it made Mark believe it too. He internally shook his head. He had got himself far too worked up over his results this year, they'd never expected to be as high up as they had been. It was preparation for 2015; they should be in a good place for their second season. And Seb would be there at Le Mans to watch him. Mark knew there was no way that Sebastian would leave after a couple of hours like Fernando had. Seb would be there supporting Mark to the end, whether the result was good or bad. Seb would be there for him.

It was an incredible feeling to know that you had someone who believed in you, who was certain you would succeed, and sounded pleased merely at the idea that they could come along and be with you to support you and help you achieve that.

 

Seb suggested they take the dogs out to stretch their legs and Mark agreed, knowing getting outdoors was the best thing for him. He was relieved Seb had had the courage to stay, that he was still here now and that he'd doubtless stay for dinner and everything would be alright.

 

Everything would be alright and back to normal between them. But normal wasn't quite enough for Mark any more.

 

 

  
The next few days were spent on their normal activities, their normal everyday, ordinary life. And that was great, spending time with Seb was great. But it wasn't enough.

Mark was no nearer knowing what to do than he'd been over a month ago and it was eating him up inside.

He didn't know what to do about it, and the ironic thing was that Mark knew the best thing would be to talk to a friend about it, only the friend who he spoke to the most, who he was closest to, was the cause of all his troubles.

 

Mark called Fernando and ended up exchanging tales of woe over how their seasons had gone. He couldn't tell Fernando anything more than he had in the summer. There was no way he could reveal any of Sebastian's secrets to Fernando, and without him understanding what the stakes were, there was no way he could make him understand what the problem was. So what was the point? When Fernando asked about Seb, Mark ended up swerving the issue altogether.

 

Mark telephoned his parents, not really expecting to be able to discuss anything too serious with them, but he was just grateful to hear the voices of people who loved him. He hung up feeling terribly far away from his family.

 

One night after Sebastian had left, Mark sat up waiting until it was a reasonable hour in Australia and phoned his sister.

“Hello Mark, what are you doing calling at this time of day? Everything alright?” greeted his sister.

“Oh, umm, yeah. Is it too early?” asked Mark.

“Well no, but I've got to get the kids off to school. Hang on...”

Leanne put her hand over the receiver and Mark heard a muffled yelled instruction of some kind.

“He's lost his shoes. How does a child lose his shoes for gods sake?” complained Leanne, sounding only vaguely harassed.

“It's a bad time, sorry. It was stupid, I should have thought, sorry...” apologised Mark.

“Mark are you okay?” checked his sister.

There was a pause as Mark wondered what he could say.

“Mark?”

“Yeah, I'm fine really. I'll call you some other time.”

“Mark what's the matter?”

“Nothing, really. Don't worry. You're busy, I should have realised.”

 

Ten thousand miles away Leanne sat frowning. This wasn't like her brother. He was far too subdued, not like Mark at all.

“What time is it with you?”

“Hmm? Oh, just gone eleven pm.”

“Right, well I've got to take them to school, but I'll call you as soon as I'm back if you'll still be up? I'll be about an hour,” offered Leanne.

Mark was about to make an excuse and say he was going to bed, but he found himself confirming that he'd be awake if Leanne called once she was finished with the school-run.

 

He was starting to nod off when his phone rang.

“Hey.”

“Hi, sorry about that,” apologised his sister.

“No, of course. Hang up, I'll call you back,” offered Mark, knowing he had more money than she did.

Before Leanne had time to protest he hung up on her and she reluctantly did the same. Mark would never let her pay for international calls.

 

“Right, try again,” said Leanne as the call reconnected. “What's going on?”

Mark hesitated knowing he was trapped in a dilemma; He wanted to talk about his problem, but he didn't think he had any right to reveal Seb's past, and without understanding that, he didn't know how to get his sister to appreciate why he was in such trouble.

“I can't really talk about it,” admitted Mark.

“So you called me to _not_ talk about something?” clarified Leanne dryly.

He was silent again.

“Mark something's wrong. Please tell me. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad.”

Mark sighed. “I just... I can't. _A_ _rgh._ God this is driving me up the wall. I think I'm going to go mad with it.”

Leanne was shocked, she couldn't remember her brother being like this before.

“Oh Mark. That's no good is it? Come on, you must be able to say something about what's going on, surely? Is it about work?”

“No,” stated Mark sounding depressed.

“Okay, not work. So why can't you say?”

“Because it's complicated.”

“Well that much I guessed. Has something happened.”

Mark almost laughed. “No. That's kindof the problem.”

“Right, so you want something to happen?”

“Yeah,” admitted Mark.

“ _With_ someone?” intuited his sister.

Mark paused again.

“Come on Mark, this is like getting blood out of a stone! Why can't you say?”

“Cos it's complicated. _They're_ complicated,” said Mark, sounding as frustrated as he felt.

“Someone you like?” suggested Leanne.

“Mmm.”

“Do they know you like them?” asked Leanne.

“I don't know. I don't think so. No.”

“You haven't tried telling them?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I told you, it's not that simple,” insisted Mark.

“ _Why?”_ asked Leanne, getting almost as exasperated as her brother. Clearly her brother was in a mess, but she didn't know how she was supposed to help if he wouldn't tell her what the problem was.

Mark puffed out a breath, trying to work out what he could actually afford to say. “We're friends.”

“Okay. Isn't that a good thing?”

Mark smiled an ironic smile. “You'd think so.”

“Well it means you already like each other presumably, so that's a start.”

“It's also the problem,” explained Mark.

“That you're friends?”

“Yeah.”

“You're going to have to explain.”

Mark balled his spare hand into a fist. “It's just really important that we're friends and I can't risk that.”

Leanne nodded. “It's not that unusual a problem you know Mark.”

“Yeah but...”

“But?”

Mark couldn't think what to say.

“Is he straight, is that it?” tried Leanne.

Mark gave a little laugh. “No, it's not that.” He'd hit that speed-bump before.

“Well that's something anyway.”

“Yeah, I guess. I'd be pretty much wasting my time then.” _Small mercies,_ thought Mark.

“So you're just worried about unbalancing your friendship?” suggested Leanne.

“It's not _just._ It's... Ahh, I can't get into it.”

Leanne hated hearing the distress in Mark's voice.

“Why can't you?”

“Because it's not just friendship, it's more than that.”

“More than that?” Leanne thought it sounded as though things had already progressed into something else.

“Yeah, he needs me. I need him too, but...”

“It's _complicated,_ ” anticipated his sister.

“Yeah.”

“And you can't tell me _how_ it's complicated?”

“It's not my stuff to tell,” stated Mark.

“I see. Something to do with him?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you going to tell me who we're talking about here?”

Mark gave a half-smile. “No I don't think so.”

“Very helpful. Okay, so a friend, but more than a friend, and you'd like more than that, but you're afraid of what will happen if you try for that?” reviewed Leanne.

“Pretty much sums it up,” allowed Mark.

“How is he complicated? Is he seeing someone else?”

“Nope.”

“Another point in our favour then.”

 

Mark had to appreciate the way it was instantly _their_ problem, not just his.

“I guess.”

“You're going to have to give me something, or we'll sit here playing twenty questions all day,” pushed his sister.

“He... Ah, I _can't!_ I can't say. It's not good.”

“Not good about him?”

“Not him, but... to do with him.”

Leanne shook her head. “Do I get a prize if I work it out?”

Mark rolled his eyes. “This isn't funny.”

But his sister _was_ quite funny. He often wished they lived closer together. She'd probably get on well with Seb he thought, and then let out an inadvertent laugh at the irony of that idea popping into his head right now.

“See, I am a _bit_ funny,” smiled his sister. “Okay, let's try again: To do with him, so... to do with his past?”

 _Bingo,_ thought Mark. “Yeah.”

“I see. Okay, so I'm guessing, not in a good way?”

“No. Look, I shouldn't be saying,” worried Mark.

“Oh my god Mark, you're not _saying_ anything!” exclaimed his sister.

“I can't, he'd never forgive me. I'd never forgive myself.” Mark sounded tormented.

“Oh Mark,” sympathised Leanne. “Is it that bad?”

“Yeah,” acknowledged Mark very quietly.

 

Leanne felt the weight of it now. Even without her brother explaining properly, it was clear enough from the tone of his voice that there was something serious here. No wonder he was so anguished.

She sighed now. “So you can't risk seeing if he feels the same way you do in case it messes up your friendship, because of how much he needs it?”

“I need it too. I really do. I don't know what I'd do without him now,” confessed Mark.

“Ach Mark, what a mess you've got yourself in,” noted Leanne.

“I know.”

“Have you even tried to see if there might be something there?” she questioned.

Mark shrugged, “I don't know. I keep trying, but then I bottle out of it. I keep building myself up to saying something, but there's always a reason not to. I'm always tripping over myself, and it's ruining everything else cos I can't stop thinking about it, and I know he must think there's something wrong with me cos I keep acting so strangely around him. Sometimes I can't bare to be apart from him and keep getting close and then backing out, and then I get so in my head that I can't even talk to him, and I can't stand the idea that I'm pushing him away,” he rushed.

“Bloody hell Mark, you're going to give yourself a conniption!” declared Leanne.

“A what?” stopped Mark. “I think you just made that word up,” he remarked dryly.

Leanne sighed again. “It sounds like you're working yourself into a right old state Mark. No wonder you're a mess. I hope he's worth it.”

“He is,” stated Mark heavily.

His sister shook her head. “It wont do though. You'll make yourself ill at this rate.”

“I don't know what to do,” admitted Mark despairingly.

“Because you don't know if he'd be able to handle it?” guessed Leanne.

“I, I'm not sure. Sometimes I think, maybe, and then I'm not sure, and...”

“And you tie yourself up in knots again.”

“Yeah.”

 

On the other side of the world Mark's sister nodded sympathetically and wished with all her heart that she could reach out and give him a hug.

“You're a good guy. Do you know that?”

“Hmm?”

“You. You're so busy worrying about Seb, you're putting your own feelings last and driving yourself crazy in the process,” explained Leanne.

“I didn't say it was Seb,” let out Mark anxiously.

Leanne smiled. “Oh come on. It's Seb isn't it? You talk about him all the time. He was practically living with you not so long ago.”

“He needed somewhere to stay,” recalled Mark.

“Mmm,” agreed his sister, thinking once again that showed how much her brother cared and wondering why it was that Sebastian needed a place to stay; something to do with that past she suspected. Not good whatever it was.

“So it is Seb?” pressed Leanne.

Mark puffed out a long breath. “Okay yeah, it's Seb. Am I so obvious?

“Well I'm your sister, it's my job to know stuff.”

 

Mark managed a smile at that. His sister had always been very perceptive. As a teenager he'd started to wonder if she wasn't psychic. She always seemed to know what was going on with him, sometimes even before he did. Leanne had worked out that he was gay a full two years before he told their parents.

“You wont say anything, about what I told you about him? It wouldn't be fair. He trusts me, he'd be really hurt if he knew I'd said anything,” pleaded Mark.

“Well that's easy because you haven't said anything,” noted his sister.

“ _Leanne._ Please?” he tried again.

“You've only said he's got a past, Mark. We've all got pasts.”

“Hmm,” prevaricated Mark.

Leanne didn't have it in her to do anything other than try to make her brother feel better.

“I won't say a word, okay Mark. Consider all hints un-hinted. Whatever it is you haven't told me, you haven't told me. Alright?” she reassured.

“Okay, thanks.”

“You know you can trust me,” insisted his sister.

“Yeah.” Mark did know that. He _could_ trust his older sister. She'd never breathed a word about knowing he was gay to his parents before he spoke to them, and the idea that she'd spill that or any other secret of his to the outside world was unimaginable.

  
“It sounds to me as if you're a very good friend to him, Mark. And you must be close if you know all about his past, whatever that might be.”

“Yes. We are. It matters a great deal to me.”

“And you must actually enjoy each other's company seeing as you seem to spend almost all your time together.”

“True.” Mark couldn't imagine _not_ spending all his time with Sebastian. Even the idea left him feeling empty and alone.

“I think that's a pretty good place to start,” stated Leanne. “And what happens from there, well, we'll see. I think maybe if you stopped winding yourself up into such a stress about it, it might be a bit easier.”

“What do you mean?” queried Mark.

“Well I think you're probably making things worse for yourself Mark. Wouldn't you be better off trying to relax and actually let yourself enjoy being with Seb rather than making every moment into a do or die scenario? At this rate you're not going to want to even be friends with him.”

 

That stopped Mark in his tracks. He definitely didn't want that to happen.

“Even if it's never more than that, I still want to us to be friends,” Mark insisted.

“Okay, good. Well then stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Does that sound like a good idea?” asked Leanne.

He had to admit that it did. “Yeah it does.”

“Besides you've only just finished your season haven't you? I think you could do with a break. You're always so busy racing around the world, literally _racing_ ,” she smiled at the accidental pun, “that you always end up stressed out and knackered by the end of the year. So I think you need to take a bit of time for yourself to calm down and actually have a break from it all.”

“A break from Seb?” questioned Mark sounding dubious.

Leanne laughed. “God, you make that sound like a punishment. No. I don't mean a break from seeing him. I mean a break from worrying about it. Try actually having some _fun_ Mark. Try not taking everything quite so seriously and you'll feel better. And then, well who knows, if you stop pushing quite so hard, maybe the right moment will present itself.”

“Do you think?” Mark wondered, hoping his sister was right. It sounded like a nice plan if it could work.

“Well I'm not an expert, but doesn't it sound better than stressing yourself out and being unhappy?”

Mark allowed himself a little laugh. “Yeah that does sound better.”

“So why not give it a try? What's the worst that could happen?”

Probably nothing worse than the status quo continuing between him and Seb thought Mark, and that was likely to continue either way, so being happier in the process definitely sounded the better option.

“Okay, yeah I guess you're right,” agreed Mark, sounding rather more positive.

“Maybe you'll be able to think a little more clearly then,” suggested Leanne.

“A decent night's sleep would help,” remarked her brother.

Leanne thought it sounded as though he was desperately in need of that at the moment.

“Good. So stop worrying yourself to death over everything. It sounds to me like you've got a pretty good relationship to begin with, don't ruin that. If it's meant to be something more, then it's meant to be,” insisted Leanne.

“Meant to be?” questioned Mark sounding sceptical.

Leanne smiled. “Yeah I know you don't believe in any of that 'fate' crap Mark.”

Mark wasn't quite so sure what he thought any more.

“Hmm,” he prevaricated.

“You might surprise yourself,” suggested his sister.

“Maybe. I dunno. How am I supposed to know when the right moment presents itself?”

“You'll know,” declared Leanne adamantly. “Trust your big sister for once Mark. You'll know.”

 

His sister sounded so certain, Mark couldn't help but absorb some of her calm faith.

“Okay. Thanks. I wish I'd spoken to you sooner,” Mark confessed.

Leanne shook her head wondering how long her brother had spent getting himself tied up like this.

“As do I. So do you think you can do that and not go on fretting quite so much?”

“Yeah, I'll try.”

“And don't wait so long before calling me if you need to talk, okay? I'm always here.”

“Thanks Leanne. I really appreciate it.”

“Moral support available any time. What are sisters for, eh?”

“Well thank you. You've been a big help.”

“Good, I'm glad. I hope it works. And now I have to go find Ryan's P.E. kit which he helpfully forgot and needs dropping off before lunch or there'll be hell to pay.”

Mark smiled. “At least that's one thing I don't need to worry about.”

Leanne laughed. “One day maybe you will.”

Mark laughed back. “Yeah I hate to break it to you sis, but it's not really on the cards with me.”

“Mmm well, we'll see.”

Leanne had rather more trust in fate than her brother. She had a funny feeling this wasn't the last she was going to hear about Seb. By the sounds of things the pair of them were already in pretty deep, if only Mark could lighten up a bit and let things happen.

 

Mark thanked his sister heartfeltly again and let her go. He shook his head at his stupidity in not calling her earlier. Leanne was always a calm voice of reason. She was unflappable. Maybe having kids did that to you? You had to cope with whatever was thrown at you and just deal with it and carry on without letting the ship rock too much.

He determined he would take her advice and try to sit back and not press so hard on pushing the issue with Seb and actually allow himself to relax and enjoy spending time together now they had the chance to after spending so long apart. Maybe that would do the trick and the 'right moment' would magically appear when he wasn't looking for it. Maybe that was where he'd been going wrong, trying to _make_ that happen? The idea of just having some fun with Seb did sound pretty nice. It felt like it had been such a long time since they'd been able to do that. He did need a break. Mark suddenly felt so very tired.

 

He went to bed and just before he fell asleep, Mark thought about what his sister had said about fate. He had always thought that was rubbish, but hadn't he also thought that if he had to pick one thing where fate _did_ favour him it would be about Seb? Maybe it was all a load of bollocks, but if it was a choice between fate favouring him in a race or getting a chance of happiness, he'd have his car on fire in every race if only Seb was there to meet him in the garage.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need...


	27. Weihnachten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stille Nacht?

 

Mark awoke the day after he'd talked to his sister feeling more refreshed and well-rested than he had in an age. He felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he could relax and stop worrying for a while.

 

After they'd completed their standard run to the coffee shop that morning, Mark told Sebastian that he'd spoken to Leanne and whilst he didn't reveal the main subject of the call, he did admit that his sister thought he'd been stressing himself out with the end of the season and that he thought that must be true. He apologised once again for the incident a few days ago.

 

“It's fine Mark, really,” allowed Seb.

“Leanne was saying she reckons I get all wound up by the end of the year, so anyway I suppose it makes sense, not that it makes it okay,” Mark reported.

Seb smiled, “It's no wonder. I don't know who designed the racing calendar, but whoever they are they're not the one catching all the flights.”

Mark laughed. “I think you can bet on that. Anyway I reckon she's right about me needing a break. You too I'm guessing.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian, sipping his coffee. “It feels like it's been the longest season.”

Mark nodded. He honestly didn't how Seb was doing so well given what he'd been through this year. He'd handled the past month rather better than he had.

“So she suggested I needed to make the most of the break, to recharge, you know?”

“Sure.”

“Both of us I mean, really. So I was thinking it'd be nice to properly chill out and have a bit of fun.”

“Sounds good. What did you have in mind?”

Mark laughed. “Umm, I hadn't really got that far, so if you have any ideas I'm open to suggestion.”

Seb raised an eyebrow at the accidental double entendre and after shaking his head Mark lasted approximately five seconds before joining him laughing.

“Daft sod. Okay, any _actual_ ideas?” tried Mark.

Seb thought for a minute before speaking. “You know I passed somewhere the other day advertising a climbing wall. I'd quite like a go at that. What do you think?”

Mark nodded. “Yeah alright. Better not mention it to Christian, just in case you fall off, you know.”

“Hey, I'm not going to fall off!” defended Sebastian pretending to be offended.

Mark grinned. “If you say so. Cos if you think I'm gonna catch you, you've got another thing coming.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Such little faith. Tsk. Bet I beat you to the top.”

“You're on.” Mark smiled happily, this should be good.

 

 

That afternoon they made the most of the good weather and took a long bike ride out through the countryside. It felt wonderful to be relieved of the pressures of the season. Neither Mark nor Sebastian wanted to think about the following year yet. The entire subject of racing was now by unspoken agreement, out of bounds.

 

Pulling up to catch their breath at the top of a hill, they could see all the way to Milton Keynes.

Seb grinned. “Yeah, we're not going any further in that direction.”

Mark laughed. “Fair enough. Head back to mine then? I'll see what food we've got in if you want to stay?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

They turned around and free-wheeled downhill. Mark thought he felt freer than he had all year. Seb seemed to be doing great, he didn't need to worry about him, and he'd locked his feelings towards Sebastian carefully away. He'd open that door only when he needed to, but not right now, this was just about enjoying being together and remembering why they were friends.

 

 

 

Sebastian sat at the top of the climbing wall, dangling his legs over the edge and yelling abuse down at Mark.

“Come on old man, get a shuffle on!”

Mark glared up with narrow eyes at Seb as he hauled himself up. This wasn't as easy as it looked.

As he neared the top Seb offered him a hand, but Mark pulled himself over to join him.

“Finally!” laughed Seb.

“Shut up, I'm sure you've done this before,” Mark accused.

“Nope,” grinned Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “Well then it must be because you're smaller.”

“I'm not sure how that makes it any easier.”

“Hmm,” said Mark suspiciously.

Seb continued grinning and pushed into him with his shoulder teasingly. “Want another try?”

“Best of three?” suggested Mark. He was definitely going to get better at this.

“Loser makes dinner?” proposed Sebastian.

“Yeah alright,” agreed Mark.

“Great, what are you making?” laughed Seb, getting up to go back down.

“Oi!”

Mark went to follow him. No chance he was letting Sebastian win. Not that he didn't want Seb round for dinner, he did, but he wasn't going to _let_ him win.

 

 

 

The more they did things together, the easier it was to forget that they had anything they needed to worry about. Sebastian forgot about worrying over his past, he forgot about worrying how RedBull were going to do next year. He didn't have to think about anything other than making plans for a couple of days from now.

 

Meals and runs and bike rides out. Swimming races in Seb's pool and staying up too late watching TV and talking about nothing in particular. Walking the dogs, often twice a day together, sitting up on the bench on the hill near Mark's looking out over the surrounding countryside, lazily chucking sticks for the dogs and laughing at how pleased with themselves Shadow and Simba looked when they hurried back with them.

There was nothing better than getting outside in the fresh air. They were lucky that the weather was reasonably fine; Cold but dry. Perfect really. And so what if it burnt your lungs a little more during runs when it was so good to be out together?

 

 

By mid-December both Sebastian and Mark felt considerably better in themselves. Seb didn't think he'd felt this good in years, maybe not since he was a teenager.

Mark rang his sister and thanked her again for her advice and told her it seemed to be working. He felt so much more relaxed, years younger. Mark was trying not to even _look_ for 'the right moment', he knew where that route lead. When his mind strayed to thinking about Sebastian late at night, he tried to train his brain to redirect itself into thinking about what else they could do with their days to entertain themselves.

 

 

Sebastian invited Mark over to help him decorate his Christmas tree.

As it turned out it wasn't so much to join in, as to reach the top bits Seb couldn't get up to and generally do precisely whatever Sebastian asked of him.

Mark thought it was hilarious how into Christmas Seb was. He was like a little kid. A bossy, OCD kid who insisted that there was an absolute order to how everything should go on the tree according to some unknown German traditions that Mark suspected he was just making up.

He did have to admit that the tree looked pretty impressive once it was done though. Mark took a picture on his phone and despite Seb's half-hearted protests, tweeted it with a simple #HappyChristmas. After all, who was going to know whose tree this was?

 

It did make it all the more unfortunate that when Mark brought the dogs over the following day, Shadow and Simba got so overexcited by the sight of all the colours and shiny baubles that they piled right into it and completely knocked it over.

“Oh shit. _Seb._ Oh no! Bad dogs, _bad!”_ Mark chastised, pulling them away to go shut them in the kitchen.

He came back in to find Seb looking crestfallen, standing by his destroyed pride and joy.

“Sorry Seb, they don't know their own strength,” Mark apologised.

Sebastian shrugged, trying not to look too pissed off. The dogs weren't to blame. He should have thought before allowing them in here. They were always a somewhat uncontrollable bundle of energy at the best of times.

“Come on, we can sort it out,” asserted Mark.

Seb nodded, trying not to let on how childishly attached he was to such things as Christmas trees.

Mark hid a smile at the chaos seeing how forlorn Sebastian looked and pulled him into a hug.

“We'll fix it. We can hide the bashed bit round the back and...” Mark started pulling the tree upright, “...yeah it's not so bad...”

Sebastian looked at the wonky tree in front of him that Mark was single-handedly trying to resurrect. The tinsel was falling all over the place and baubles were bouncing onto the floor and rolling across the room. He stopped caring about his precious tree and started laughing at the ridiculous position Mark was in as he tried to right it.

“Yeah a hand would be good mate!” appealed Mark, his voice slightly muffled by the fact that he'd wound up trapped behind some pine branches in the corner of the room.

Seb smiled and started setting things to rights along with Mark. It didn't really matter how it looked. It mattered that they were doing it together, and every time he looked at it, he'd remember that.

 

Eating dinner in the kitchen later, Mark suggested that they ought to think of a suitable punishment for the dogs' misdemeanour, but Seb didn't have the heart. He loved them too much, and he didn't think Mark really meant it anyway.

 

 

The next day Seb appeared at Mark's house straight from the supermarket, carrying a small Christmas tree and a bag full of decorations. Mark had maintained he didn't bother with such things, but apparently that wasn't an acceptable answer and Seb had taken things into his own hands.

Mark stood back in the hallway as Sebastian brought it in.

“Bloody hell Seb. I said I wasn't fussed.”

But Mark was smiling nonetheless.

Sebastian started finding a place to put it in the lounge as Mark shooed the dogs into the kitchen to save the poor little tree from being destroyed before it even went up.

 

An hour later the pair of them sat back on the sofa sinking a well earned beer. Mark had to admit the tree was kindof festive and it was nice of Sebastian to have insisted on it. He was trying not to make too much fuss over Christmas. Not because he was a Scrooge, but because he knew Seb would be going to his parents for it and he'd be left alone, and he didn't want to think about that.

 

Sebastian stayed for dinner and didn't take an awful lot of persuasion to accept another beer and an offer to stay the night. Why bother applying logic to the dilemma of how to get five miles down the road when he could wake up at Mark's? A place that in so many ways still felt like home.

 

 

A couple of days later Seb was over again for a movie night. Mark had told him to bring a couple of DVDs with him and then they could pick what they were going to watch.

When Seb showed up with a copy of Disney's _'_ _The Little Mermaid_ _'_ , Mark laughed for a full five minutes before insisting that they absolutely _were_ watching it. Despite Sebastian's furious backtracking that it had been a joke, Mark knew better.

They made popcorn from scratch and Mark only mildly took the piss out of Seb when he burnt a batch while Mark was sorting out drinks.

Mid-way through watching the film, Sebastian admitted it had been his favourite film when he was a kid because of the character who was his namesake. He even told Mark that he had a toy Sebastian that as a little boy he'd taken everywhere with him.

Mark thought he looked so happy sitting there, pretending not to mouth along with the words to the songs. Seb's cheeks were all pink and round and Mark wanted to pinch them they were so cute. He mentally shut that idea down and shoved it along with all other inappropriate thoughts in a locker marked: 'Things I'd like to do to Seb that I am definitely not thinking about'.

 

It was rather more difficult to keep those kinds of thoughts shut down when half-way through Mark's film choice, Seb fell asleep with his head on Mark's shoulder.

Mark sat there, not moving a muscle so as not to disturb Sebastian. He was hardly going to jump him right there, but it _would_ be nice just to slide his arm around Seb and hold him a little closer. Another thought for the locker.

Mark waited until the end of the film before waking Seb up. It was a shame to really, he looked so peaceful with his head tilted in towards Mark, his legs curled up onto the sofa.

Mark pushed him upright with his shoulder and then reached over to give him a very gentle shake.

“Hey, Seb mate, wake up. You're dribbling,” Mark teased.

“Hmmpphh,” mumbled Sebastian as he woke thinking how he'd been having a great dream right then.

 

Seb agreed to stay over again rather than bother driving home when he was half-asleep. He'd quite like to have carried on sleeping where he was; Accidentally on purpose resting up against Mark had been rather lovely, the only thing that could have made it nicer was if he'd had Mark's arm around him. Best not to think of that too much thought Sebastian. Better just to be grateful for the good time they were having at the moment. Seb thought he would trade a championship to get this month over again.

 

 

 

They'd decided that they weren't doing Christmas presents, mostly because neither one of them could think what would be an appropriate gift to get the other in the circumstances. Both thought it was impossible to do that without giving the game away, so they politely agreed to skip it without acknowledging the reasons why.

 

Sebastian didn't like to think how Mark would be on his own over Christmas. It didn't seem right, even if he would have the dogs for company. Seb did consider staying, but he'd promised his family and he did really want to see them.

As Seb spoke to his mother on the phone he couldn't help bringing the issue up. His mother smiled and suggested that Mark being left on his own simply wouldn't do.

 

Seb felt a little awkward mentioning it, and waited until after dinner that night when he was over at Mark's again.

“So, umm, I spoke to my mum earlier,” began Sebastian.

“Uh huh, everything alright?” asked Mark.

“Oh, yeah, everything's fine. We were talking about Christmas.”

“Mmm” mumbled Mark non-committally, trying not to think about Seb going away.

“I'm going to fly out on Christmas Eve, come back two days later...”

Not so very long, thought Mark consoling himself.

“I mentioned to her about you,” continued Sebastian, trying to sound casual.

“Oh?” stopped Mark, wondering what Sebastian had been telling his mother about him.

“And the thing is I kindof said how you'd be here on your own.”

“That's alright mate, really. It's good that you want to spend time with your family,” asserted Mark unselfishly.

Sebastian looked down.

“Yeah I do, but I don't like to think of you on your own, and well the thing is, my Mum's asked if you want to come too?”

 

Mark raised his eyebrows in surprise. “To your parents? For Christmas?”

“Umm, yeah,” mumbled Sebastian, worrying that it was too much, that he'd scare Mark off. “She was kindof insistent about it actually.”

Mark didn't know what to say. He didn't much fancy being on his own, but Christmas at Sebastian's parents? No pressure there then.

“Thing is Melanie and her boyfriend were meant to be coming, but now she's going to his apparently, Mum's not too happy about that, but anyway it means there's a spare bedroom, so I mean if you don't want to, that's okay...” hurried Seb.

Mark smiled, Seb seemed keen. He meant to say no, but he found himself saying, “Well if it's really no trouble, I guess...”

Mark couldn't fail to notice the way Sebastian sat up straight and turned to look at him properly as soon as he agreed.

“Really? Great. You can't be on your own at Christmas. It's just wrong,” declared Sebastian, smiling at Mark.

 

Oh dear, thought Mark. He'd done it now. No backing out. Seb would be gutted. What on earth would Christmas with Seb's family be like? He hoped they didn't have the wrong impression of their relationship. How awkward would that be?

 

“And you got me this tree and everything,” joked Mark, gesturing at the little Christmas tree in the corner. It was looking a tiny bit dishevelled; Mark hadn't mentioned to Seb that that the dogs knocked it over at least three times a day.

“Guess I'll have to up Pauline's Christmas tip if she's coming in to feed the boys over Christmas,” added Mark.

He was presuming she wouldn't mind too much popping up the road if he made it worth her while. Change of plans.

 

 

 

The next morning Sebastian called his mother, thrilled to bits to be able to tell her that Mark would be coming along with him. He reminded her a number of times that Mark was just a friend, but his mother thought the way Seb sounded so happy suggested otherwise, she would just have to see how things really were when they arrived. Besides she didn't like to think of anyone being on their own at Christmas.

 

Mark spent the next couple of days wondering if he shouldn't change his mind and find a way to get out of the trip. It did feel strange that he was going to be spending Christmas with Seb's family. Sebastian had casually thrown into conversation how he'd told his parents that they were _friends_ these days and Mark hadn't missed the intonation, so hopefully there shouldn't be any confusion on that score, but it did still feel oddly as if it was putting pressure on what they had. Then again, Seb had been to stay with him at his parents ages ago and that had been fine, so why shouldn't this be the same? Christmas was different though, and his siblings would be there too. Mark couldn't decide if that made it better or worse.

 

When he told his own parents where he'd now be spending Christmas they merely sounded relieved he wouldn't be alone, it didn't matter how many times he'd said he was a big boy and was going to be alright, they hadn't liked the idea of his spending Christmas with only the dogs for company.

Speaking to his sister involved a good few minutes of Leanne laughing uncontrollably at how he'd managed to complicate things even further, before she assured him that he'd be fine as long as he took the same approach he'd been working on all month. It was only pressure if he thought of it that way.

That did make pretty good sense thought Mark, deciding not to let himself stress about it.

Leanne hung up and grinned to herself, dying to know what Seb's motivation in inviting her brother over for Christmas with his parents really was. She thought it seemed very promising, but she omitted to add to her brother's worries by letting on to him about her extended thoughts on the subject; best to keep things as simple as possible.

 

 

 

 

Mark spent half the flight worrying that he didn't speak more than a few words of German. Sebastian kept reassuring him that they all spoke pretty good English, but he didn't think it reasonable to expect them to use a different language in their own home just to make him feel welcome.

Seb teased him that he'd have to give him a crash-course in the language and Mark replied that he genuinely ought to learn some, given that his team was also German. Mark wondered again how it was Seb coped living his life almost entirely in a second language. He genuinely forgot about that a lot of the time and Sebastian insisted that sometimes he did too.

“And if they forget, I'll just translate for you,” said Sebastian, too happy that Mark was accompanying him to allow any problems to be considered.

“You gonna tell me if they're talking about me?” asked Mark.

Seb rolled his eyes, “Oh my god, Mark stop being so paranoid. My family are nice.”

He turned in his seat slightly to look at him, “do you think they won't like you?”

Mark shrugged. “I'm sure they're nice Seb.”

“Good. They are. So stop worrying.”

Sebastian looked seriously at him for a minute. “If they had any idea what you'd done for me this past year,” he shook his head, “honestly Mark, I think they'd adopt you.”

Mark thought that might make those locked away thoughts he stored about Sebastian even more inappropriate.

“I think my mum might have something to say about that,” Mark joked back.

Seb was still looking pretty serious. “They'll like you Mark, really. It's going to be fine.”

“Okay,” relented Mark. What was the point of worrying? Mark persuaded himself to go with the flow, it was only going to be a couple of days.

 

 

 

The pair of them pulled up in a taxi and pulled their bags out of the boot.

Mark looked at the house; it was very ordinary, very suburban. Not unlike his own childhood home really.

They were only half-way up the drive when the front door flung open and Seb's parents emerged to greet them. Sebastian's mother pulled first Seb, then Mark into hugs, his father hugged Sebastian and a little more stiffly shook Mark's hand. Mark wondered if he was being paranoid again as he thought Norbert was assessing him as he stood there.

 

“Right come in, come in boys, out of this cold,” ordered Seb's mother, leading them in. “I'll put the kettle on while you sort yourselves out. Norbert, you give them a hand.”

 

Seb's mother headed off to the kitchen leaving her husband in the hallway with them.

Norbert nodded and looked at their bags. He picked up Mark's and moved to go upstairs and then stopped and turned back.

“Ah, Seb. Did your mother tell you Melanie's changed her mind?”

Sebastian paused reaching for his bag and looked back up at his father.

“Er, no. She didn't say. So...” Seb glanced at Mark awkwardly. So much for that spare bedroom.

“Yes I'm afraid you'll have to share. Hope you don't mind Mark?”

Mark tried not to laugh at the expression on Sebastian's face. He looked horrified.

“No not at all,” answered Mark politely. It wasn't as if there was any option now anyway seeing as they were here already.

“Good good,” accepted Seb's father, leading them up.

Seb shot Mark a mouthed 'I'm _so_ sorry' and Mark nearly lost the fight to keep his straight face.

Sebastian followed his father up the stairs feeling mortified that his parents hadn't told him of the change of plan, he hoped to goodness that Mark didn't think he'd done this on purpose.

 

Reaching the first floor, Norbert swung open a door. “Back in your room then Seb. Bit of a squeeze, but we'll make do.”

As Sebastian and Mark entered the room behind him he dumped down Mark's bag and smiled. “Only a couple of nights anyway. Sure you'll manage. You're mother's very glad you're here Seb, and you too Mark of course, you're very welcome.”

Mark politely nodded as Sebastian stared at the camp-bed set out in the middle of his childhood room.

As his father was walking out of the room he paused and said confidentially in German to Seb. “Oh, about your sister, for heaven's sake don't mention the boyfriend. Bit of a mess there and your mother's none too impressed.”

Switching back to English he completed. “Make yourselves at home anyway, we're downstairs when you're ready. I'm sure you could use a drink,” before leaving them to it.

 

“What was that?” asked Mark.

“Oh, about Mel. Not sure what all that's about. Think her boyfriend might be messing her about a bit. Mum's not happy. Best not ask.”

“Ah right,” Mark acknowledged. _'Not the only ones with complicated lives,'_ he thought.

 

Sebastian rubbed his hair and looked around the room, distinctly underwhelmed. The camp-bed was in the middle of the floor tucked alongside Seb's old homework desk, not leaving a whole lot of space between it and the single bed up against the wall. They were going to be pretty unavoidably snug in there for the duration of their stay.

“God, Mark. I'm sorry. I had no idea, they never said...”

He poked the old looking camp bed and it creaked ominously.

Mark lost the battle to keep his laughter in. He shook his head and sat down on the bed, his knees folded up high it was so close to the floor. The bed dipped and creaked again.

Sebastian shook his head, “Oh my god, I don't even know where they found this. It's ancient.”

“It's fine,” insisted Mark.

Seb prodded it again looking suspicious.

“No. No way. Okay you're not sleeping on this. You wouldn't even fit on it.”

“I'll be alright.”

“No chance. You're having the bed. I'll have this.”

“Seb...”

“You're the guest. End of story,” said Sebastian firmly.

He offered a hand out to pull Mark up. It was bad enough having to bunk in together, there was no way he was letting Mark suffer trying to sleep on what looked like an army standard camp-bed from about fifty years ago. God only knew where they'd got it from. Seb thought his mother must have been preoccupied with preparations and whatever was going on with his sister to have told him. A bit of warning might have been nice.

 

Mark allowed himself to be pulled up. It was a pretty low bed. He was still grinning at how unimpressed Sebastian looked.

“It's not that bad mate; Only a couple of nights. Could be worse, you could be on the floor.”

Seb looked at the hard wooden floor only shielded by a rather old rug. That definitely would be worse. He rolled his eyes and shrugged.

“I guess,” he agreed.

“This is your old room then?” noted Mark looking around. It was fairly plain, not much indication that it had been occupied in a while.

“Oh, yeah. Once upon a time. They've redecorated. Guess I ruined the walls with posters as a kid.”

Mark smiled to himself. Posters of drivers and cars no doubt. He imagined little Seb in here sticking them up and dreaming away of a future where _he_ was one of those racing drivers. Mark bet he was cute as a button. He hardly looked any different now.

Mark clapped a hand on his arm. “We'll be right for a few days. Come on, I'm sure your mother is dying to spoil you and feed you up. We should go down.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. “True. Knowing Mum she'll have enough food in to feed the entire street. We'd better make a start on it.”

Mark smiled. “Think we can write off the healthy diet for a few days. I'm looking forward to sampling some German Christmas delicacies.”

“Oh Christmas doesn't count,” agreed Seb, pulling out a lighter hoody from his bag to swap into. His parents house was always so warm. Once everyone arrived it would be boiling.

 

 

They headed down to partake of the waiting coffee and kuchen Sebastian's mother had prepared. Mark smiled to see the huge Christmas tree set up in the corner of the lounge; no mystery where Seb got his ideas about how things ought to be.

Seb was surprised that they were the first there. His sisters wouldn't be over until before dinner and his brother had apparently disappeared off to a friends house and was due back any moment.

“Which could mean any time between now and midnight, knowing your brother these days,” joked Seb's father.

 

As it turned out, Fabian appeared less than half an hour later, bounding into the house with a “Hallo!” and slamming front door so vigorously the whole house shook.

Seb's mother shook her head in despair as she went out to call him into the lounge to join them.

Mark copied Sebastian to stand up to greet him. Mark had met Fabian before but was astonished at how much he'd grown in the year and a half since he'd last seen him.

Fabian gave his brother an enthusiastic hug and then looked up at Mark, suddenly lost for words. Mark put out a hand and Fabian shook it, making Sebastian laugh at their formality.

Fabian started jabbering away about what he'd been up to since school had finished for the holidays.

His mother interjected with “In English Fabian.” Clearly they'd discussed this before Mark and Sebastian had arrived.

“Oh no, it's fine,” allowed Mark, re-taking his seat on the sofa.

“No no, he needs practice anyway. It'll help him at school,” insisted Sebastian's mother and Fabian obeyed, switching to what Mark thought was already impressive English. He really did need to improve his own language skills Mark thought again, feeling guilty. English speakers were spoiled in the motorsports world where it was the universal language of business.

 

They spent the next few hours happily enough as Mark and Seb politely sank their bodyweight in chocolate cake, ably assisted by Fabian. They mostly used English to keep Mark included, despite his repeated protests that they didn't need to. When they slipped back into German, Mark looked over to Seb who mostly shook his head to indicate that it was nothing of significance and only occasionally leant over to whisper a translation to keep him in the loop.

By late afternoon Sebastian's mother left them to work on preparing the food for the evening, refusing all offers of help. Sebastian explained that Christmas Eve was the main focus of German celebrations and Mark immediately stopped eating anything else he was offered, anticipating yet more food that night.

 

Fabian gradually relaxed around Mark and started asking him questions about what it was like to drive through the night at Le Mans. Mark kept him entertained with stories of things the mechanics got up to in the garage. Seb leaned in to look at Mark's phone as he pulled it out to show off some pictures as Fabian perched on the sofa arm. Mark found a favourite picture of a mechanic who had fallen asleep right on the garage floor and had been pranked by his team-mates who had outlined his body in masking tape as if he was a body in a crime scene.

“That's brilliant,” giggled Fabian.

“Poor guy, you're so mean!” laughed Seb.

“Oh not me. I was kipping in the motorhome by that point, like the pampered driver I am,” informed Mark, “Someone sent me this.”

“Do you ever fall asleep at the wheel?” asked Fabian, wide eyed.

“Oh yes,” said Mark with mock seriousness, sneaking a wink at Seb while his brother wasn't watching, “those corners wake you up pretty fast though.”

Sebastian shook his head, smiling. “Mark you do _not._ Honestly Fabe, don't be so gullible. They take it in shifts so they can concentrate.”

“Oh.” Fabian felt stupid.

“Actually, I'm not so sure that the odd person doesn't at least drift a bit,” admitted Mark. “There's plenty of crashes from people not paying attention in the middle of the night. You can get kind of hypnotised by the headlights if you're not careful.”

“Ha. See!” Fabian shot back to Sebastian.

 

Sebastian's father left them to see if his wife needed any help in the kitchen. The boys seemed to be getting on well together and he was surplus to requirements. He'd not been entirely sure about Mark coming, but Seb seemed happy he was here. He decided to try not to over-analysise what the situation was there; they were obviously good friends, but nothing more was clear beyond that. Norbert realised that they'd never exchanged more than a polite hello back when Mark had been team-mates with his son. He'd never had chance to get to know him. Mark was clearly a well brought up individual, and Fabian seemed to like him, but then he always liked anything his brother liked.

Norbert entered the kitchen to see the organised chaos unfolding; the kitchen table was covered in cling-wrapped trays and bowls, the oven was on and the units were full of half-sorted-out dishes.

“Need any help?” he asked.

“Hmm?” greeted his wife. “Oh, all in hand. They alright in there?”

“Oh they're fine. Mark is regaling Fabian with tales of racing.”

His wife smiled, “Oh dear, another driver for him to idolise.”

It was a miracle they'd kept Fabian away from wanting to follow his brother into motor-racing. The more she saw how Seb had struggled this year, the more she was sure they'd made the right call there.

“So, what do you think?” she asked.

“Of Mark?” checked Norbert.

“Mmm,” she raised her eyebrows.

He shrugged. “Who can say. They seem to get on very well.”

“Well I should think so if Seb wanted him to come for Christmas.”

“Yeah I don't know,” Norbert shrugged. “Seb said they're just friends, maybe they are. He'd say wouldn't he?”

“I hope so.” She returned his shrug. They were in untested waters here. “Best leave them to it I think. Don't go making them feel uncomfortable.”

“I don't plan to,” he replied, only mildly offended. Honestly, as if he wanted to put his son off coming home more often?

“Fine. Give me a hand fitting these in the fridge then,” indicated his wife, pointing out the trays of food, and Norbert obediently set about making himself useful.

 

 

 

Melanie arrived alone shortly after six o'clock, her sister following not long after with her partner Jan. Mark was relieved to discover he was Dutch and therefore he wasn't the only non-native German speaker in the house and he needn't feel quite so guilty about Seb's family using English a lot of the time.

Sebastian's sisters greeted him enthusiastically and hugged Mark just as keenly. If Mark thought he was under scrutiny from Seb's father, he was unavoidably aware of the way Seb's sisters were looking at him and exchanging glances.

Seb couldn't help noticing this either and was tempted to change the subject by asking Melanie what had happened with her absent boyfriend, but he didn't want to be unkind so he left it and endured their scrutiny and less than subtle questions as to how often he and Mark saw one another what with him living just up the road.

 

Under the pretext of dumping his hoody back upstairs, Sebastian knocked on Stephanie's door as she and her boyfriend were sorting their bags out.

“Hey. Hello.”

“Hi,” greeted Jan before going to the bathroom and leaving the pair alone.

“Could you give it a rest please?” pleaded Seb.

“What?” asked Stefanie innocently.

“Oh come on, you and Mel. I told you Mark's just a friend.”

“If you say so.”

“I do. So stop looking at him like he's your next challenge.”

“Ach, spoilsport,” frowned Stefanie.

Seb sat down on the bed next to her and addressed her seriously. “Please Stef. Be nice. Don't make him uncomfortable.”

Stefanie sighed. “Ah go on then, fine. We'll play nicely. I suppose he's pretty brave throwing himself in at the deep end with all of us.” She remembered how nervous her boyfriend had been the first year he'd come to stay.

“Speaking of which, what happened with Mel and whathisname?”

His sister pulled a face. “ _M_ _atthias_. Oh who knows? He was coming, then he wasn't, then she was going to his, and now they're separately at their own families, but she says he _might_ come for New Year.”

“Might?”

“Exactly. So don't mention it. Mel's pretty pissed off about it, but she won't hear a bad word said against him, so...” Stephanie opened out her hands indicating she really had no clue what was really going on.

“I see. Well I've him to thank for the fact I'm going to be sleeping on something left over from the Russian Front.”

“Hmm?”

“No spare room. Come and look.”

Sebastian led her to his door and pointed out the rickety camp-bed with its pile of blankets. Stefanie was still laughing when her boyfriend re-emerged.

“See, at least you didn't get that instrument of torture when you first came,” laughed Stefanie, pointing it out to Jan who grinned happily at Sebastian's despairing face.

 

Sebastian set off downstairs. In the lounge he found Mark wedged on the sofa between Melanie and Fabian, politely sipping some kind of drink.

“Shoo,” Seb waved off his brother, taking his place and making Fabian balance on the couch arm as Stephanie and Jan pounced on the opposite sofa as his father handed round more drinks.

 

“What is this?” whispered Mark, looking dubiously at his drink.

Seb shrugged and drank from his own glass. “Like sherry.”

Mark nodded and continued to take tiny sips so as not to offend Seb's father. “Try not to get trashed, eh?” he whispered back, to which Sebastian narrowed his eyes and pretended to be affronted, but slowed his drinking down.

Mark smiled to himself. At least Seb wouldn't have far to stagger here if he did over-indulge. By the sounds of things they'd be getting plenty of food to absorb the alcohol.

Fabian was busily trying to persuade his father to include him in the round of drinks, getting the tiniest of glasses back for his efforts. He took one sip, pulled a face as if he'd sucked a lemon and pushed it away on the coffee table in disgust, resulting in the entire room laughing and teasing him, earning them a room-wide scowl.

Fabian was rescued by his mother joining the throng in the lounge, pulling off her apron as both Mark and Jan leapt up to offer her their seats.

Norbert grinned. “Such good boys. I notice you two didn't.” He looked at his sons.

“Oh umm,” Seb stood up abashed.

“Nonsense. Sit down all of you. I'll only be a minute while things warm up in the oven.” Seb's mother pulled out a stool from the corner and sat nearest the door as everyone settled back down.

Seb pushed an elbow into Mark and whispered “Suck up.”

Mark shrugged, “I'm on my best behaviour aren't I?” and smiled back.

 

 

 

After an hour or so had passed, Sebastian's mother told them everything was ready and they all moved into the dining room where there was enough food for twice their number crammed onto the table.

They all managed to fit around despite there not being enough correct chairs. Seb's mother and Fabian made do with kitchen chairs which were a little too low. Fabian looked unimpressed, causing Mark to offer to swap chairs and Seb to offer to fetch him a booster cushion, both of which were rejected, the former rather more graciously than the latter

Mark did his best to tackle as many dishes as possible despite not knowing what half of them were. Seb explained most of them, but Mark ate whatever he was offered either way; Mrs Vettel had clearly slaved over this spread and everything was home-made, there was no way he planned to offend her in any way when they'd so kindly welcomed him into their celebrations.

The evening passed easily enough. The food and drink seemed never ending; each time Mark thought they'd reached a point were they'd got past the majority of it, Seb's mother disappeared back into the kitchen to fetch more and offered it around until she broke enough people's will to take more onto their plates.

Mark found himself talking to Stephanie's partner a fair bit when the conversation drifted into German and they got lost. It turned out he was a designer and worked for an American firm over here.

“Terrible really,” he confessed. “We speak in English all the time at work, so my German is nothing like as good as it should be, even with Stef.”

Mark nodded and explained how it was much the same at Porsche despite it's German base.

 

Seb smiled to see Mark looking relaxed. It was turning out far better than he could have hoped. He had sat himself by Mark's side at the table to look after him and Fabian had dropped in on his opposite side, trying to impress Mark with his English again.

He leaned into Mark. “You okay then?” he whispered.

“Hmm? Oh sure. I think someone may have to push me up the stairs later though,” Mark joked.

Seb looked at Mark's plate. It never seemed to get any emptier as his mother constantly offered Mark more things to try.

“You don't have to eat everything,” offered Seb. “She won't mind.”

Mark shrugged. “Think we might need to double our runs when we get back.”

Sebastian smiled in return, he wouldn't mind that.

 

 

 

After the meal finally ended they went back through into the lounge and waited around while Norbert went to the kitchen and prepared some glühwein, collaring Fabian to help.

Sebastian had explained that they gave out their presents on Christmas Eve in Germany, so it wasn't too much of a surprise to Mark, but it still felt a little strange. He sat drinking his glühwein and ate one or two of the offered marzipan sweets while the family worked their way through their gift opening.

As the pile of brightly wrapped items diminished, Sebastian's father retrieved a large cardboard box.

“Now this came in the post, and we're not sure whether it's meant to be for now. Anyone know?”

“Ah,” Mark felt his cheeks pink, although that might have been due to all the booze he'd consumed. “I think that might be me.”

Seb frowned at him. Mark hadn't mentioned anything.

His father opened the box to find enclosed a case of Australian wine.

“I thought, um seeing as you're having me to stay...”

“Too kind,” insisted Seb's mum. “Really. And we've not got you anything,” she confessed.

“Oh, no, just having me here is plenty. Thanks.”

Sebastian looked at him and smiled at his thoughtfulness. “When did you sort that out?”

Mark answered him quietly as the present opening continued. “Oh I looked online, they ship from the UK as well, so...” he shrugged. It was entirely natural to him that he ought to give his hosts something for having him.

 

 

By midnight Fabian had been packed off to bed and Mark dropped a couple of hints to Sebastian that he was done in as well, so they called it a night as his sisters continued to chat in the corner. Mark glanced at Jan and thought he looked in need of rescuing too, but it was every man for himself at this point. Norbert had threatened to make more glühwein and Mark thought if he drank any more in this over-warm room with his over-full stomach he would fall asleep where he sat and humiliate himself in front of Seb's family by nodding off with his face resting into the arm of the couch.

 

Sebastian cleaned his teeth and returned to find Mark in bed. He looked half asleep already. Seb carefully climbed onto his make-do bed and arranged his blankets over himself. He glanced over to see Mark grinning at him sleepily.

“Think you'll survive the night?”

Seb shifted down, causing more metallic groaning from the bed and undisguised laughter from Mark.

“I can swap,” offered Mark.

“Nope, I'm fine,” fibbed Sebastian, wriggling into an attempt at a comfortable position. The bed sagged in the middle and was only just wider than him. His feet reached the very end of the camp-bed. Mark's would have been left dangling off the end. No way he was letting Mark suffer a night on this.

 

 

The following morning Seb woke to the sounds of activity downstairs. He sat up and immediately regretted it as he realised his back hadn't enjoyed the night on the dodgy camp-bed.

There was a loud metal grating noise as he started to get up which woke Mark.

He opened one eye to look at Sebastian. “Was that noise you or the bed?”

“I'm not sure. Think I should have asked for chiropractor vouchers for Christmas.”

Mark chuckled to himself and sat up, rubbing his hair and face to rouse himself properly.

“Right, I'll take it tonight,” Mark stated.

“No, no it wasn't that bad. I slept pretty well actually,” stated Seb, which was true enough, although he thought that might have had something to do with all the alcohol he had ingested.

Sebastian pulled a hoody over his head. “No one dresses for breakfast. Come on.”

So Mark copied him and they went down to join the masses in the kitchen keeping Seb's mother happily occupied providing yet more food.

 

 

 

As it turned out, despite Seb's insistence that Christmas Eve was the main focus, there seemed no end to the food and drink proffered throughout the day. Mark was relieved that the atmosphere remained easy and informal.

After lunch they were sat around squashed into the lounge again when Fabian pleaded to be allowed to go try out his new computer games. Seb's eyes lit up and before his parents had time to come up with a good reason to halt them, Sebastian was volunteering to play his brother and elbowing Mark to follow as they made good their escape.

 

Up in Fabian's room Mark and Sebastian let him have his choice of games and only vetoed any racing games for fear they would get too competitive.

Fabian rearranged his TV away from facing his bed so they could sit on the floor to play together.

Seb sat on the hard floor and grimaced.

“Okay, after last night on that bed this isn't working for me. We need to find some cushions.”

They pulled all the pillows from Fabian's bed to pile on the floor and Seb went back to his room to collect theirs before returning.

“I've got an idea. Give me a hand Mark,” Seb smiled.

Fabian frowned wondering what they were doing and frowned even more when the two hauled the camp-bed into his room.

Mark laughed at Sebastian's brother's expression as they turned the bed on it's side to rest back against his chest of drawers and added more pillows to the mix.

Sebastian plumped down in the pile and leaned some more behind him up against their impromptu back-rest.

“Nice work,” admired Mark. “Shift up.” He pulled some of the pillows away from Seb and happily joined him, picking up the spare controller.

Fabian sat on his bed wondering how he'd been out-manoeuvred in his own room over his own Christmas presents.

“Knew it had to be useful for something,” grinned Sebastian.

Mark nodded. “Fine bit of German engineering there. Right Fabe, you're in charge of watching your brother's not cheating. Can I count on you?”

“Umm, yeah,” agreed Fabian, happier to be included in some way. He liked the way Mark didn't talk down to him like he was a little kid.

 

When Mark let him take over so he could visit the bathroom, Fabian sat next to his brother and asked something he'd been wondering about.

“So Mark then...”

“Mmm? encouraged Sebastian, thinking he was about to have to explain that he and Mark were just friends for the ninetieth time.

“I thought you didn't used to like him?”

“Oh.” Seb smiled. He almost forgot that these days. “Yeah, that was a long time ago Fabe. It was just racing stuff. It wasn't real. Mark's a good guy. I guess I didn't even really know him back then.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He's been a big help to me this year. A really good friend.”

Fabian nodded, accepting his brother at his word.

“It must be nice knowing someone over there,” Fabian granted.

“It is. Definitely. You like him don't you?” Sebastian checked, hoping for his brother's approval.

“Yeah. Mark's cool. He doesn't seem that old.”

Sebastian frowned. “He's not old.”

He was allowed to tease Mark for being older. No one else was.

“It's just _you're_ so young.” He shoved Fabian with his shoulder causing him to fumble one of the buttons on his controller.

“Oi!” complained his brother.

Mark appeared in the doorway. “Not cheating again are you Seb?”

Sebastian pretended to glare at him as Fabian grinned to have been backed up.

“Do you want it back?” Fabian offered up to Mark.

“Nah mate, you have a go. Someone's got to keep him in check.” Mark had to admit computer games weren't his strong point and Seb had been thrashing him.

 

They continued to happily take turns playing for a while until there was a knock on the door and Jan entered.

“So this is where you're hiding. Can anyone join in?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark confidently.

Fabian politely offered his controller over, but Mark demurred, passing his own instead.

“Here, I'm not much good. You take mine.”

Mark went to join Sebastian sat on his brother's bed to spectate instead.

 

 

It was dark before Norbert came upstairs to break up their little gaming party and insist they go back downstairs to join the family before dinner.

“What on earth have you done with the bed?” asked Norbert, clocking the upended camp-bed.

“Oh that was Mark's idea,” dead-panned Sebastian, before his brother ratted him out.

“No it wasn't, it was Seb. He says it's the only thing it's good for,” grinned Fabian as he got up.

“Ugh, traitor,” complained Sebastian, as Mark laughed at the pair.

“Rumbled. Come on we'll put it back.”

They shifted themselves off the bed and started dismantling their little set-up, Mark and Seb manhandled the camp-bed back into Sebastian's room, Jan and Fabian returning the pillows to wherever they'd originated.

 

Norbert headed back down to the lounge shaking his head at the youth of today preferring computer games to real games.

Mark and Seb had looked very cosy sat on the bed together he'd noticed. He didn't think he'd sit that closely to a friend, but maybe it was nothing, maybe it was his age, who knew?

 

 

Another evening filled with too much food and too much drink and easy conversation despite the hopping between languages followed.

Mark and Seb sat on a couch nursing warm cups of glühwein, both feeling pleasantly drowsy. Seb's little brother was sat the other side of Sebastian and had fallen asleep, nearly spilling his rather watered down glühwein before Seb rescued it.

His mother noticed that Fabian had dropped off and came over to send him up to bed.

“That'll be me in a minute,” suggested Mark.

“Hmm?” replied Sebastian, too busy watching his brother protest that he had been totally awake and didn't want to go to bed. “Oh, yeah, me too.”

Seb put his cup down on the coffee table. “We're gonna go up. Want a hand clearing away?” he addressed his father as his mother was too busy marching Fabian upstairs.

“No, leave them there,” insisted his father.

The pair of them left the lounge to a chorus of goodnights and Mark thought how nice it was to be part of a big family.

 

 

Mark walked back into the bedroom to find Sebastian attempting to settle down, accompanied by some unhealthy sounds from the camp-bed.

“Okay, seriously mate, I'll swap. You're going to do your back in sleeping on that again,” worried Mark.

“No it's fine. Really. Once I get comfortable...” maintained Seb.

Mark shook his head, he didn't think getting comfortable looked terribly likely on that bed, but Seb was having none of his offer so there was no point going on about it. He climbed into bed thinking he'd be sleeping like a log that night and hoping the same would be true for Sebastian.

 

 

 

Mark woke abruptly in the dark hearing an ominous metallic noise. All of a sudden there was a drawn out screech and a crash.

“Ow!”

He fumbled in the dark for the switch to the bedside lamp and turned it on to see Seb and the camp-bed in a heap on the floor.

Mark tried not to laugh and failed utterly when he saw Sebastian's thoroughly pissed off expression. He pushed himself out of bed to give him a hand.

“You alright?” Mark hauled Sebastian up.

Seb rubbed his side where he'd landed as the bed had toppled over.

“Hmm, yeah. I guess. More than can be said for this monstrosity,” grumbled Seb.

Mark looked to see if Sebastian might actually be hurt, but seeing that he was clearly more annoyed than damaged he gave him a light squeeze around the shoulders and laughed again.

Seb shook his head and the pair of them dipped down to see if the bed was fixable.

 

The top end near-side leg of the bed had given up the fight and for all their attempts to mend it with Seb holding up the end of the camp-bed as Mark tried to push it back into place, it was obviously a no go.

“Nope. Sorry mate, that's as bent as Bernie Ecclestone's tax accountant,” grinned Mark.

Seb puffed out an irked breath and sat on the floor. “Brilliant. Guess I will be sleeping on the floor after all.”

“I could...” started Mark.

Sebastian finally smiled and shook his head. “No.”

 

Mark looked at him for a moment and then said something he probably wouldn't have done if he wasn't still half-asleep and mildly influenced by the amount of alcohol they had consumed over the past two days.

“You could squeeze in with me.”

Seb looked at Mark in the half-light. Mark shrugged at him as they crouched on the floor. It wasn't as if they hadn't slept in the same bed before. He looked at his old single bed; squeeze was the operative word. Not that that wasn't an attractive idea.

“Okay,” Seb replied quietly, only briefly meeting Mark's gaze before the pair of them were standing up and climbing into the bed.

 

Mark shifted up to give Seb as much room as possible. The left part of his brain was screaming at him, asking what the hell he thought he was doing, but the rest of his brain told it to shut up and Mark decided the best thing to do was switch off his brain altogether.

Seb sat on the bed and then lay down on his side, reaching over to switch out the light. It occurred to him that he could have gone downstairs to go sleep on the sofa in the lounge, but there was no backing out now, no matter that he was way too close to Mark like this. He couldn't decide if this was amazing or terrifying.

“Okay?” asked Mark in a hushed voice.

Sebastian could feel his breath on the back of his neck, he wanted to turn to face him, but that would definitely be more awkward and given the lack of space, might be almost physically impossible without sliding off the edge of the bed and landing on the floor. Once tonight was more than enough for Seb.

“Mmm,” managed Sebastian. He swallowed. “Not much room. You okay?”

“Yeah just about.”

Somehow Sebastian was convinced that Mark was smiling. He had absolutely no idea what to think of that.

His brain just about shut down completely when Mark's arm slid over his waist to hold on to him.

“Can't have you falling out again,” Mark said, wondering where on earth he got the nerve.

 

Mark stretched out his legs and took a deep steady breath. He disobeyed the tiny part of his mind that was still working and allowed himself to tighten his grasp on Seb and pulled him a little closer. How could this be wrong when it felt so right?

Sebastian's eyes popped open wide. He was in bed with Mark. _With Mark_. Right up against Mark. Mark's front pressed against his back. Mark's arm around his middle, holding him. His head lying on the same pillow. He could feel the hairs at the nape of his neck being disturbed by Mark's steady breathing.

Seb himself didn't dare breathe. He looked out into the darkness thinking he must have died and gone to heaven.

Mark closed his eyes and sighed silently. He couldn't think right now. Thinking was off the agenda. He moved his head on the pillow, settling into the most comfortable position and before he had time to worry about anything else he was fast asleep.

 

Seb felt Mark's chest moving steadily, his breath in sync. He must be sleeping already. Sebastian wondered how that was even possible when surely Mark must be able to feel Seb's heartbeat going so fast he thought it was like a ping-pong ball rapidly bouncing back and forth inside him.

He took a steadying breath trying to persuade himself not to freak out. It was fine, _fine_. It was just Mark. Mark and him together like they had been so many times before.

But not quite like this.

Seb concentrated on the slow pace of Mark's chest moving as it pressed against his back. That was nice. It felt familiar. It felt safe. It was surprisingly easy to fall into the same matching rhythm, Sebastian found himself instinctively relaxing, his heart calming down too. It was just Mark. Just him and Mark. There was nothing to fear.

He fell asleep knowing Mark wouldn't let him fall.

 

 

 

 

When Mark woke up the first thing his foggy brain realised was that his back was resting up against the wall which was odd, the second thing he realised was that he wasn't alone.

His eyes shot open as he remembered what had happened in the night.

Oh _good lord._ Seb was in bed with him. Squashed into the single bed alongside him. Right alongside him; His body was pressed into Sebastian's side. Seb's head was on the pillow by his and Mark thought he might have been leaning against it as he slept, but he couldn't be sure. Somehow in the night Sebastian had turned so he was sleeping on his back and Mark had shifted even further over to accommodate him so he didn't fall out. On which note Mark was aware that his arm was still wrapped around Sebastian, holding on to him. A part of him knew that he should at least pull his arm away but he really didn't want to; it was such a nice comfortable feeling. Mark justified to himself that if he let go and Sebastian moved, he probably would actually fall out of the little bed and that wouldn't do at all.

Mark lifted his head up fraction and looked at Sebastian as he slept.

_Oh._

Seb was smiling. His cheeks round and full and happy. He looked like a kid at Christmas. Not inappropriately, thought Mark wryly. If his breathing wasn't so slow and steady Mark might have thought Seb was awake; he didn't think anyone smiled like that in their sleep, but apparently they did, or least Seb did. He looked so lovely and peaceful and happy and _oh..._ Mark knew he was in trouble. So much for keeping things simple.

Mark thought he'd quite like to lean his head back against Sebastian's and go back to sleep for a bit, but by some weird rule he'd just invented for himself; moving back was not allowed, although staying in the same position was. Where that logic came from he wasn't at all sure but it seemed to make sense. As much as anything did at this moment in time anyway.

Mark didn't want Sebastian to wake up and break the spell. Right now everything was perfect; He was warm and oddly comfortable given the lack of space; Maybe _because_ of the lack of space, as he was forced right up against Seb like this.

Talk about getting what you wanted for Christmas. Mark thought he would very much like to unwrap his Christmas present right now.

He almost laughed aloud at the idea. The locker in his brain seemed to have the door open and he'd lost the key to lock it shut again. There were so many things he'd like to do right now and none of them were appropriate to the fact that he and Sebastian were accidentally squashed into Seb's single bed in his childhood room at his parents' house.

Oh god, Mark could feel his heartrate picking up, he thought Seb must be able to feel it. Surely it would wake him up? Mark instantly wished he hadn't thought that as Sebastian shifted slightly against him and he was torn between thinking that was a really great sensation and realising that if Seb did that again he was going to be incapable of not reacting as nature intended and wow, okay _no,_ there could be no more awkward situations in the world than waking up in bed with a _friend_ with a hard-on. Oh holy Christ. Okay no. No that could _not_ happen.

Mark frantically tried to think of other thoughts to distract his brain and his body. Other distinctly non-erotic thoughts; like the scary old lady in the post office in the village, those hairy sweaty builders with inabilities to buy belts to keep their trousers up when working, Helmut Marko naked...

Oh okay. That did it. Mark couldn't think of a less arousing image to have in his head. That definitely worked. A little too well in fact. He wished he could get it out of his head now, but that one had stuck. Grim.

Still, on the other hand it definitely had done the trick. Now he could just lie here safely and not get himself into any more difficulties than he already had done by inviting Sebastian to share his bed, leaving himself trapped and unable to sneak off even if he wanted to, which even given the inevitable awkwardness which was on the horizon, Mark had to confess to himself he didn't want to leave right now. In fact if he had his way he could happily lie in this cosy warmth with Seb until at least lunchtime. By which time, he acknowledged, at least some in Seb's family would probably think something was amiss.

Mark smiled to himself; Seb's family. Oh dear, they'd get something of an eye opener if any of them walked into the room right now.

 

Just as Mark was finishing that thought there was a loud knock at the door and Sebastian's mother announced loudly.

“Come along boys, everyone else is up and having breakfast. Get a move on.”

Mark jumped in response and simultaneously Sebastian leapt upwards, forgetting where he was and what had happened during the night. Seb was immediately unbalanced as he was far too close to the edge and toppled out of the bed, pulling Mark with him as his arm was still as tightly wound around him as it had been all night.

The pair of them ended up a tangled mess on the floor and all of a sudden what should have been the most awkward moment in the world was somehow hilarious to both of them.

Seb pulled himself up, still half-dazed and started laughing at the look on Mark's face as he didn't know what on earth he was meant to say. Seeing Seb laughing and the incongruous sight of the broken camp-bed that had brought this situation about, Mark ended up laughing too. It was all too ridiculous.

 

Seb's mother walked away down the corridor not wishing to add interpretation to what that noise and the subsequent laughter from her son and his friend in the bedroom meant. She was fine with it, but she thought she still preferred not to know _too_ much.

 

Arriving down in the kitchen to find the whole family assembled, Mark wondered how he had lain awake without hearing them moving about. Too wrapped up in his own thoughts he supposed. Sebastian seemed to be carrying on as normal, so he did the same. They hadn't discussed the night before as they'd grabbed hoodies to pull on as they headed downstairs and they were hardly about to do it here. Mark scooped up some toast and found a stool to balance on at the end of the table. Seb had taken Fabian's chair as soon as he vacated it right next to him, so he guessed they were fine. For now anyway.

 

Seb tucked into some breakfast pastries, still allowing himself a pass from the healthy driver diet he usually obeyed. Mark hadn't said anything about last night so maybe he shouldn't either. Probably for the best and then they could just carry on as normal. As normal as they got at any rate.

 

As they started to finish, Sebastian thought he ought to own up about the damage he'd caused.

“Erm, Mum, Dad, I kindof broke the bed in my room.”

 

His sister Stefanie's eyes shot open so wide her boyfriend starting laughing and then attempted to disguise it as a coughing fit. Melanie stared at Seb open mouthed and his parents both looked distinctly uncomfortable.

Fabian stood over in the corner, innocently piped up. “Oh ha, nice work Seb. Did you do that on purpose?”

Even Mark gave him a look and only then did Sebastian realise how his comment sounded pretty iffy out of context.

“I mean the camp-bed, yeah, it was kindof ropey to start with, sorry, and um I think moving it yesterday didn't help, so it gave up the ghost.”

“Oh, that's what that noise was,” said his mother sounding relieved.

Sebastian not appreciating that she meant this morning, just nodded and drank his coffee.

“Yeah, anyway sorry.”

“Ah I see. Right, never mind. It was only an old thing we found in the loft,” explained his father.

Melanie turned to Jan who was sat next to her and patted him on the back. “You alright there Jan? You're not choking on something?”

“No no,” Jan excused, drinking down some orange juice and avoiding looking at either his girlfriend or Melanie who were now both smiling dangerously.

Sebastian decided to find his breakfast very interesting and Mark got up to pour himself some more coffee and the moment passed.

Fabian was left wondering why everyone had acted so weirdly over that stupid old camp-bed falling apart. They were so strange sometimes, surely no one else had a family like his to put up with.

 

 

 

The morning was spent getting out for a long walk beyond the suburban streets and towards the surrounding countryside which was a relief to all after a couple of days of over-consumption and being stuck cooped up in doors together.

Mark found himself monopolised by Sebastian's sisters who chose to walk either side of him so he had no escape from their questions about what he was doing these days and how he and Seb had wound up being friends.

He was happy enough to bore them with his life as an endurance racer, but when it came to talking about Sebastian, Mark ended up giving their standard response that Seb had needed a place to stay in England with the team struggling and Mark had offered him a base while he looked for a house over there which he knew was the closest he could manage to what had really happened. He did admit that they had never really got on as team-mates but that it was merely a racing inevitability when they were competing against one another, and that about managed to close them down on the subject. Then they started asking about how close Seb's new house was to his and how often they saw one another and Mark started to feel he was being interrogated as they tag-teamed asking him a new question each time he answered the last.

Mark glanced around and saw Sebastian walking with Jan and Fabian and thought that Seb had got the better deal. Mark decided he'd far rather be walking with them, even if it did entail a spot of feeling awkward around Seb this morning. He'd take that over the good-cop/bad-cop routine he was trapped between (or was that good-cop/good-cop, he wondered. They were still being pretty friendly he supposed, but maybe that was just a ruse to lure him into a false sense of security to trip him up?)

 

Sebastian walked along half listening to whatever his little brother was chatting about and mostly wondering what his sisters were asking Mark and what on earth he might be telling them in response. Not all that much, he comforted himself. Mark wouldn't tell his sisters anything, particularly not how the pair of them had spent last night. Definitely not. But he thought he'd better try to rescue Mark anyway. No one deserved those two ganging up on them.

Seb moved up alongside them, ignoring his brother's unimpressed “humph” at being abandoned mid-sentence, just as he was explaining a particularly exciting football match he'd been in the other day.

 

“Hey.” Seb greeted the little group as he interposed himself between Melanie and Mark.

“Oh hello,” greeted Melanie sounding a little surprised that he'd appeared.

“Your sisters were just asking me all about your new house,” explained Mark.

“Not that new anymore,” noted Sebastian, before wondering why they'd be asking Mark for details about _his_ house. He was about to say something along those lines when his father called from the back of the group that they were turning around and he managed to get Mark separated away from his sisters.

“Sorry, were they going on?” asked Seb.

“Hmm? Oh no. They were very keen to ask me lots though. I think they missed their calling in the police,” joked Mark.

“Ah. Yeah, sorry, I should have rescued you sooner.”

Mark was about to note how interested they'd seemed in their relationship when he thought how that was a topic best left alone right now.

The pair of them nearly walked into Fabian who had stopped dead in their path so he could continue his rudely interrupted story to his brother. Both Sebastian and Mark found themselves secretly relieved that they had him to distract them from the possibility of having to talk about anything serious.

 

 

After a blessedly light lunch the family did little more than sit around in the lounge chatting. Fabian pouted as his parents forbade him from vanishing off to go play on his computer games again and plonked himself down on the sofa between Mark and Sebastian as they drank more coffee, all alcoholic drinks now being avoided after too much indulgence over the past few days.

Mark thought it was sweet how keen Seb's little brother was on spending as much time as possible with Sebastian. He never seemed to run out of things to say, even if much of it was on the rather mundane life of a schoolboy, it was somehow relaxing to let him chatter on and it meant they could forget thinking about whether they ought to talk to one another too much. Mark complimented Fabian on how good his English was and gained a smile in return.

Seb wanted to tease his brother about how happy he was that he'd impressed Mark, but he sort-of knew how that felt. Hopefully not in exactly the same way though. He saw his mother smile over at them and was pleased that his parents seemed to like Mark. He was pretty good at turning on the charm when he needed to. Half a lifetime of PR work probably trained them well for interacting with strangers thought Sebastian, thinking back to when he'd stayed with Mark's parents back in Australia and hoping he had made an equally good impression. He suspected not, given the messed-up state he'd been in at the time. It already seemed a long time ago.

 

Before they knew it, it was nearly time for them to leave for the airport and their flight home. Mark and Sebastian were in the bedroom checking they had everything in their bags ready to go. Mark thought now really would be the time to say something about last night. The broken camp-bed was still there getting in their way as they sorted themselves out. But just as he was building himself up to make at least some comment, even if it was a joke, Seb's father shouted that their taxi was waiting and they were heading downstairs, saying their goodbyes and getting hugs.

As his family hugged him goodbye, Sebastian thought how glad he was that he was closer to them these days. He almost wished he could stay longer, although the issue of where he would sleep would be rather tricky. For all that things might have got a bit more complicated between him and Mark, Seb was still glad he had come with him. Even Fabian gave Mark a hug as they left which amused the rest of his family although they knew better than to let on.

 

As the taxi pulled away, Seb's parents were the last ones left on the doorstep waving as the rest disappeared indoors.

Norbert smiled. “I suppose we could do worse for a son-in-law.”

His wife rolled her eyes. “Oh you've decided then?”

“You think I'm wrong?”

“I think we shouldn't get ahead ourselves dear.”

Norbert just shrugged. The longer they'd stayed with them, the more he thought Sebastian definitely wasn't telling them the full story there; All that whispering to one another and the way Seb and Mark had been glued together the entire time. Was that how people behaved if they were 'just friends'? Not in his experience. Things might be different for his eldest son, but surely not _that_ different?

Sebastian's mother shook her head; One minute her husband wasn't sure about Mark coming, then he couldn't work out what was going on with them, and now he was marrying their son off before he'd even introduced anyone as an actual 'boyfriend'. Seb wasn't the only one who raced ahead she thought.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cackles & sprints off into the distance...
> 
> ;)


	28. Frozen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what happens next?

 

The flight home seemed oddly uncomfortable now that Sebastian and Mark were alone. It wasn't that they didn't talk and they certainly couldn't avoid one another, but they found themselves being _polite_. And that was definitely odd.

 

Mark dropped Sebastian off at home saying he needed to get back to the dogs.

He walked into the kitchen to give them a hug hello and a long rub down to let them know he'd missed them. Pauline had left a note on the fridge saying she'd thrown out some milk he'd forgotten and bought him new this morning. Mark shook his head thinking what a superstar she was and how he'd have to up her wage what with everything she did to help him out with his peculiar lifestyle.

He got himself a drink of water and settled down on the sofa with the dogs at his feet, switching on the TV so it didn't feel so quiet.

Mark let the dogs to crawl up onto the couch with him which was usually not allowed, but he wanted the company right now. He gave Shadow a stroke as he popped his head onto his lap.

“I'm a class A idiot, did you know that?” he said aloud.

Shadow just looked at him as Mark shook his head and puffed out a long breath.

 

Mark considered waiting up to call his sister but he knew she'd want to reach through the line to smack him upside the head for being such a fool.

_Don't put any more pressure on things. Just keep it light and fun. Don't think about things too much._

Hmm. How precisely did sleeping wrapped up with Seb fit into all that? It didn't. Mark was an idiot.

The locker with all his inappropriate thoughts about Seb was flung open and the key seemed to have slipped down the side of Sebastian's little single bed.

 

 

 

Sebastian sat at home in the kitchen wondering what he should have said to Mark about the previous night. Mark hadn't said anything about it. They'd carried on all day as if it hadn't even happened. Almost.

Surely Mark couldn't have thought he'd engineered that situation? He really hadn't known that Mel was going to show up and steal the spare room he'd promised Mark. He couldn't have known that awful camp-bed was going to collapse in the middle of the night. He couldn't have _known_ Mark would invite him to squeeze in with him like that. And it really had been a squeeze. Mark had put his arm around him. Could that really have only been to stop him falling out? _Really?_

It had felt so nice...

Seb crashed his head down on the kitchen table despairing at how stupidly complicated his life had to be.

 

 

Mark put himself to bed early having nothing better to do. He lay there wide awake thinking how his bed was too big, his bed was too cold, his bed was too empty.

He sighed heavily, staring at the ceiling. He missed Seb already and they'd only been apart a few hours. This was so stupid. Okay, mind over matter. He shoved his thoughts about Seb away. Leanne's advice still stood. Do what's normal. Do what's fun. Do what you do.

He picked up his phone and texted Sebastian.

 

 

Sebastian was lying on the sofa half following a film on TV when his phone beeped.

MARK: 'We still on for our run in the morning?'

 

Seb smiled with relief.

SEB: 'Sure. Later start maybe?'

 

Mark texted back suggesting they kicked off at 10am. A lie-in couldn't do any harm, especially seeing as it didn't seem he was going to get to sleep any time soon.

 

 

 

  
The next morning Mark rounded the corner of the lane, hot breath steaming out in front of him in the frosty air to see Sebastian stood waiting for him in his running gear and RedBull beanie, grinning with satisfaction that he'd beaten Mark to it.

He shook his head. The recovery powers of youth were disgusting. He still felt full of food from two days ago, it must have slowed him down.

 

“Hey,” Seb greeted him.

“Hey,” echoed Mark.

Normally Sebastian would be teasing him already about his slowness being due to his age, but he wasn't. That was a bit strange.

They set off running without too many exchanged words. A companionable silence wasn't unusual, but this felt rather strained. Neither Mark nor Seb knew quite what to say and what words they did exchange were mostly innocuous comments on the cold weather and the quietness of the roads.

The further they went, the more Mark felt the pressure build. Why couldn't he be normal with Seb?

 

As they reached the village Mark started to think that their time sitting around drinking coffee was going to be stupidly awkward if they couldn't get past this. He wondered if Sebastian felt this way too, or if it was just him over-thinking things.

Sebastian felt his lungs burning as they sucked in the cold air. It felt good in a peculiar way, but he was looking forward to getting indoors and having a nice warm drink. Maybe that would thaw Mark out a bit too? He was definitely too quiet.

 

They halted in front of the café and the pair of them stared at the locked door in disbelief. It was shut. Of course it was bloody shut. It was Christmas.

Mark threw back his head and laughed. “Oh for fuck's sake. Why didn't we think to check?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Because we're idiots.”

There was a sign on the door telling customers that they would be closed from Christmas Eve until 2nd January.

Thinking about it, Seb realised he'd seen the notice on the door without actually reading it the last time they were there. They were idiots. So much for that nice warming drink.

Sebastian turned around and sat down on the edge of the pavement. The whole village seemed deserted, they hadn't passed a soul on their way through.

Mark joined him on the pavement.

 

“Bollocks. Sorry mate. It never occurred to me they'd be shut.”

Seb shrugged. Nothing could go quite right for them at the moment.

“Guess we needed the run either way,” suggested Sebastian.

Mark nodded. “You're telling me. No offence to your delightful mother Seb, but a couple more days of that diet and I don't think I'd have been able to run this far.”

Sebastian shook his head. “They invite you stay and then you insult them?”

“What? No! I mean it was too good. All that food...”

Seb lost his serious face and started giggling at Mark.

“You git,” Mark glowered at Sebastian for winding him up.

Seb just grinned and leaned back on his arms. “ _So_ easy.”

Mark rolled his eyes.

Sebastian pushed against him with his shoulder. “I'm only winding you up. My mum thinks you're great, just so you know...”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yeah. You're 'A very polite young man' apparently,” reported Sebastian.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Although how she thinks you're young I don't know...” Seb grinned.

“Oi!” but Mark was laughing. Okay this was normal. This was how they should be. Just forget all about that little incident and carry on. He could do this.

“And Fabian?” Sebastian shook his head. “Oh my, he thinks you're _wonderful_.”

“He does not.”

“Oh he does. He spent the whole time showing off to you. Speaking in English, telling you all about himself, lapping up your little stories. Didn't you notice?” asked Seb.

“You're all very mean to the poor kid,” joked Mark.

“It's good for him,” insisted Sebastian.

“Hmm. Well I think it's pretty clear he thinks the world of you,” noted Mark.

Sebastian thought for a minute. He had to admit that was probably true. It was actually a marvellous feeling to be admired, even if it was only by your kid brother.

Seb shrugged. “He's just a kid.”

He suddenly realised that the age gap between him and his little brother was much the same as between him and Mark. He hoped Mark didn't think of _him_ as a little brother. They did have a not wildly dissimilar warm teasing relationship, but Seb definitely didn't think of Mark as a brother. Was it too much to hope that Mark felt the same way?

 

“Right. Before we freeze our arses off sitting here, shall we head back?” suggested Mark.

Seb nodded. “Yep. You can come for a coffee at mine if you like?”

“I've got coffee, also a pair of dogs needing a walk. You can stay for lunch after?”

“Righto.”

It was an offer Seb couldn't refuse. The dogs were always Mark's trump card.

 

 

 

The next few days passed filled with continued normal activities, as both Mark and Seb tried to put to the back of their minds any complications and lingering awkwardness. Both knew, although neither admitted, that things somehow weren't quite as they had been before.

 

Sebastian hoped he hadn't gone too far in inviting Mark to spend Christmas with his family. It was a pretty big deal to some people, and Mark had clearly been a little nervous as they travelled out, but he thought he'd been alright once they'd got there and Mark had got on well with everyone. Seb had been relieved how his family seemed to like Mark, even if his sisters had been a bit pushy, trying to see if there was something going on with the two of them.

If only.

 

Mark lay awake at night wondering why he couldn't bring himself to talk properly to Sebastian. He knew this wasn't going away and all the mental strength and distractions in the world weren't enough.

The other day they'd been swimming in Seb's pool and Mark had had to concentrate very hard on the distressing image of a naked Helmut Marko to prevent himself from thinking too much about the fact that a half-naked Seb was right in front of him and how he wanted to grab him and kiss him right there until they both ran out of air. He'd repeated the phrase 'Helmut Marko naked, Helmut Marko naked' in his head and then accidentally laughed at the notion that he might say it out loud and have a very hard time explaining it to poor Seb, (who must surely be wondering why he was acting so strangely?)

 

It was still great to spend time with Seb and that was fine by itself, but Mark couldn't understand why he was so emotionally incompetent that he couldn't at least try saying something about what had happened that night at his parents, even if it wasn't about anything else. But the problem was he couldn't think of that night in abstract; the way he'd lain with Seb so close, his arm around him, how warm and comfortable and _right_ it had felt. There was no way for him to separate it out in his head and it felt as though making light of it in a joke or just in passing would be a kind of lie and he really didn't want to lie to Sebastian.

He knew that Seb hadn't exactly run away from him that night, but he'd not moved a muscle when he'd taken a hold of him. Mark prayed to god that Sebastian hadn't been bothered by what had happened. The idea that he'd done something wrong that would have upset Sebastian was terrible. Surely that wasn't true? Seb had been smiling the next morning. Didn't that mean he was happy? Could it really be that Seb was just having a nice dream and the reason he'd said nothing about Mark grabbing a hold of him was that he genuinely accepted Mark's excuse that it was to stop him falling out of the narrow bed?

Given that they _had_ in fact fallen out when Seb woke, it wasn't an entirely unreasonable pretext for having clung on to him all night.

The whole thing was so damn tangled. Mark knew his mind was getting all tangled up again as well.

 

 

 

On the Monday night Sebastian was round at Mark's for dinner after walking the dogs in the afternoon to make the most of the light. Things had been pretty good all day. Mark thought he was getting better at not allowing his worries at night to overlap into the time they had together. He didn't want to ruin what they had. That was the most important thing of all. He couldn't lose Seb as his friend.

A year ago he'd thought his life was set up pretty well. He was free to do whatever he wanted; no responsibilities, no ties. That had seemed a positive at the time, but now that just seemed an empty life.

Mark didn't feel quite so responsible for Sebastian now that he was doing okay, but he knew that they were tied to one another. He wanted those ties to be unbreakable. He wanted them to be ties of more than friendship, but if that was it, then that was still a lot. So friends then. Best friends who hung out and had fun and enjoyed one another's company. It was still a hell of a lot more than he'd had a year ago.

 

Mark and Seb were sat on the sofa watching one of the many films that were on during the holidays.

Sebastian was telling him how his family had threatened to come visit him next time around.

 

“I think they're under the impression that my house is some kind of mansion.”

Mark raised an eyebrow. “Well it does have a swimming pool. That's pretty flash.”

Seb rolled his eyes. “Not so much.”

“Yeah, it's a short step from swimming pools and fast cars to private jets and the full-on glamorous lifestyle you're supposed to be living as an F1 driver,” teased Mark.

“Urgh, hardly. I don't think that's very me somehow.”

Mark laughed. “Me neither mate. I'd rather be out getting muddy walking the dogs.”

Sebastian smiled. He felt precisely the same way.

“Yeah. Think I'll leave all that to Lewis.”

“Mmm. Someone's got to keep the side up I suppose,” granted Mark.

Seb frowned a little. “You know, I'm not sure it really makes him all that happy. Sometimes I think Lewis just does all that because he thinks that's how he's _supposed_ to behave.”

Mark shrugged. Seb might be right, but he didn't really care all that much about Lewis, he could do what he wanted. Mark only cared what Seb wanted.

 

They lapsed into silence as they concentrated on the action occurring on the screen in front of them. As the film drew to a close and the titles started to roll Mark mentioned something he'd been wondering about.

“So it's almost New Year.”

Seb huffed a little laugh. “Yeah I know.”

Mark turned a little towards him. “You doing anything special?” He meant it as a joke.

“Oh yes. I've got this big party in London I've been invited to.”

Mark stared at him.

“You know, as part of my glamorous lifestyle...”

Sebastian tried to maintain his deadpan tone but Mark's face was too much and he started giggling.

Mark shook his head. “Oh god you're getting worse. You think you're _so_ funny.”

 

He went to lightly push at Seb's arm, but Sebastian moved and he accidentally put his hand on Seb's bare skin at the end of his t-shirt sleeve. Mark snatched away his hand feeling as though he'd been burned. He could have sworn Seb's skin was hot to the touch.

Sebastian looked at him wondering why Mark had reacted like that.

“Electric shock.” Mark said the first thing that entered his head. “Shouldn't wear polyester mate.”

Sebastian furrowed his brow, he was almost certain it was cotton. 

Mark suddenly felt bad that he had lied to Seb. But then maybe he hadn't. Maybe that's what that was, maybe it _had_ been an electric shock? It had certainly felt like a shock.

 

“Umm, yeah, anyway,” fumbled Mark. “So New Year...”

“Oh, yeah, I've got no plans.”

“Right,” continued Mark, regaining himself, “so do you want to come over, maybe just have dinner and hang out. We could watch a film or something, I don't know, watch Big Ben and the fireworks on TV?”

“So pretty much exactly the same as we do every other night?” grinned Seb.

“No. There will be fireworks and bells ringing and stuff on TV and people stood around in the cold, and we can watch them pretending to have a good time when they really wish they were warm at home.”

“Like us.”

“Yeah, like us,” smiled Mark.

“Sounds good,” agreed Sebastian. He'd pick hanging out with Mark over a big glamorous party any time.

Mark shrugged. "You can stay over if you like. I'm guessing we'll be up past midnight.”

“Pretty much compulsory at New Year,” suggested Seb.

Mark nodded. Good stuff. Who else would he want to spend New Year's Eve with?

 

 

 

 

Mark pulled open the front door to find Seb on his doorstep.

“You lost your key?” Mark questioned.

“No hands!” smiled Sebastian, holding up his bag in one hand and a bottle in the other.

“Then how did you knock?”

“I kicked the door.”

“Charming Seb.”

“Ah shush. Look, I brought champagne. Let me in, it's _freezing_ out here tonight.”

Sebastian waved the bottle in Mark's face as he pushed past him into the house.

 

Mark took the bottle off Seb as he shut the front door behind them. He looked at the bottle as Sebastian dumped his bag on the floor.

“Hmm, I've heard tell people actually drink this stuff,” joked Mark.

“Vicious rumour. I'm just planning to spray it around the house at midnight.”

Mark laughed. “Good job you're staying over then, you can bloody well clean it up tomorrow morning.”

“Ha, thanks.”

“Yeah, anyway don't leave that there for us to fall over.” Mark indicated Seb's bag on the floor.

Sebastian took his bag upstairs and ditched it in what was still regarded by both of them as _his_ room while Mark went to put the bottle in the fridge. They could drink it at midnight, decided Mark. Probably best to avoid any other alcohol tonight or it would go straight to Seb's head and he didn't much fancy having to carry Sebastian up those stairs to bed.

 

Seb sat at the table while Mark cooked, and he petted the dogs. He couldn't think why anyone would want spend New Year's Eve surrounded by strangers. This was perfect.

Mark glanced over at him thinking it was nice how Sebastian seemed in a good mood. He was determined they were going to have a relaxing evening. No worrying about anything else with Seb. Not tonight.

 

After dinner they settled into the lounge and made themselves at home on the sofa while Seb flicked through the TV channels until they settled on something to watch.

“We can put a film on later if you like, switch back in time for midnight,” suggested Mark.

“Sure,” agreed Seb. “We'd better remember to get our champagne out in time.”

“Ah yes, be nice to raise the tone a bit.” Mark raised his mug of tea.

Seb smiled and raised his mug to clink against Mark's. Not very glamorous, but far more their style, he thought.

He wasn't even really bothered about the champagne, he'd just thought it was something to signify the importance of the new year arriving. Champagne meant victory to him and just surviving this year was a victory in itself for Sebastian.

 

The film ended a little sooner than they'd thought, so Mark switched the TV onto Jools Holland a while ahead of midnight.

He looked at his watch. “Bit early to get that champagne yet. Better leave it in the fridge or it'll get warm.”

“It'd probably be colder if we'd left it outside tonight,” noted Sebastian.

“Mmm, gonna be a hard frost. We'll have to be careful if we do our run in the morning,” warned Mark.

“Hmm, do we run on New Year's Day?” wondered Seb, thinking how late they might be staying up.

Mark smiled. “Guess that rather depends how much of that champagne we drink.”

Seb laughed. “Not too much for me then.”

He didn't fancy running with a hangover, not with his tolerance for drinking.

 

The bands played on TV, it was really just background noise.

“It's weird how people make such a fuss of New Year,” noted Mark. He'd never been much into it.

“Hmm. I guess,” replied Seb quietly.

He turned and looked at Mark. “I'm kindof looking forward to it being a new year actually. It feels like a fresh start, you know, for me.”

Mark looked back at him. He almost forgot sometimes these days what Seb had been through this year. Far too much. No wonder he wanted to leave it behind.

“Yeah mate, I know.”

“It's been a hard year,” explained Seb.

Mark just nodded. He understood.

“I don't mean how things have changed with me and you. You've been great. The best thing, pretty much the only good thing about this year.”

“Ah don't say that Seb. There's lots of good things to take from this year. You've done great. Amazing really. And you know there's your family and how much closer you are to them now. So that's something pretty good, isn't it?”

“Yeah, I suppose. Of course my family. Yeah that was a big deal, and you were a real help.”

“Nah mate,” dismissed Mark. “That was all you. I was just your sounding board.”

“Well you're a pretty good sounding board,” insisted Seb.

“Any time.”

Sebastian swallowed. “I don't like to think about where I was a year ago.”

Mark leaned in closer.

“Then don't. Don't think about that Seb, okay? It's in the past. Leave it there,” he advised.

Sebastian nodded but he didn't say anything. Mark didn't like him quiet, he'd been so chirpy earlier.

“Come on mate, don't think about all that, alright?”

Mark slid his arm around Sebastian's shoulder and pulled him so their shoulders were pressed together.

“That's all gone now. You don't need to think about that any more. Okay?” He gave Seb a squeeze.

“Yeah okay,” allowed Sebastian, still a little quiet. He turned his head in to face Mark, resting the side of his head against the back of the sofa.

Mark looked him in the eye. “You've come an incredibly long way this year Seb. Really.”

He gave Seb a warm smile. “I think you're the strongest person I've ever known.”

 

Sebastian couldn't think what to say in response to that. Mark thought he was strong. Seb thought he was strong because Mark was strong. He'd never have survived without him. Mark was incredible. He was the warmest, kindest, best person in the world. Mark was his world.

Seb almost laughed. How the hell do you tell someone that they're your entire world?

 

“I couldn't have done it without you,” said Sebastian seriously.

“Yeah you could. I know you could have. You did all the hard work. You didn't need me,” asserted Mark.

“I do need you,” insisted Seb, not taking his eyes off him.

Mark stared at him. Those big blue eyes looking right into him, holding him transfixed.

He didn't know what to say. Here was Seb telling him he needed him and Mark felt like his chest was so tight he could hardly breathe, never mind speak.

Leanne had told him he'd know when it was the right moment. Was this it? Was this the fabled 'right moment' and Mark wasn't even capable of saying anything?

 

The band playing on TV finished their song and Jools leapt at the screen yelping in his grating voice that it was now ten minutes to midnight and they were going to cut to central London to join the celebrations.

“We should get that champagne,” said Mark lamely.

He withdrew his arm from around Seb and immediately felt cold without him.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb, getting up.

Champagne would be good, Sebastian thought. New Year about to arrive and he was with Mark, what more could he hope for really?

 

Mark turned down the TV and shut the dogs in the lounge so they wouldn't get scared by the champagne cork popping.

As they walked towards the kitchen he felt like turning to one of the walls and head-butting it. Why, _why_ couldn't he tell Seb what he wanted to? Maybe a little champagne might loosen his tongue? Or maybe he should just smash the bottle over his head and have done? He was so fucking useless.

Mark silently puffed out a calming breath as he entered the kitchen to give Seb a more composed expression.

 

 

As he walked in, Sebastian turned to him, his face suddenly lit up.

“Oh Mark. It's snowing!”

Mark almost laughed. Seb looked overjoyed. His expression completely transformed from the poignant sadness that had crept in a few minutes ago.

“Yeah mate, I can see.”

 

Mark went over to the window. It must have been coming down for a while as there looked to be a good couple of inches covering the garden and everything else around.

Sebastian was stood by him, his face still a picture of happiness as he watched the snow falling.

“I love snow.”

Mark smiled at him indulgently. Of course Seb loved snow. Why wasn't he surprised?

“I'd never seen snow until I came to Europe,” recalled Mark.

“Oh of course. Wow. I can't imagine.”

“Bet you got plenty growing up where you did?”

“Yeah. I still love it though.”

Mark looked at him and smiled to see how enraptured Sebastian was by something so simple.

He moved over to the kitchen door and opened it up so they could see into the garden better.

 

He had an idea.

“Why don't we go out and put our footprints in it?”

Seb looked at him and for a moment Mark wondered if it was a silly idea. It really was freezing out there.

“Yeah okay, let's,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark nodded, pleased that Seb liked his suggestion.

They went back into the hallway and pulled on boots and coats before venturing outside.

Mark put the kitchen door to so all the heat didn't escape, but there was still plenty of light from the house illuminating the garden.

 

Seb had practically jumped from the back door land into the snow and Mark shook his head at what a big kid he was. But Seb was happy and only a few minutes ago he had been sad remembering his horrible past and even the idea of Seb being upset made Mark's heart feel like an elastic band pulled too tight and he couldn't bear it. He didn't want to think what Sebastian had been enduring a year ago. Mark wanted to make that all disappear as if it had never happened. He wanted them to be able to wipe the slate clean. Maybe a new year could be a fresh start for both of them?

 

Sebastian turned around. “Come on Mark!”

He was bounding across the snow with great wide lunges as if he was walking on the moon.

Mark caught up with him and grinned. “Shall we write our names?”

Seb looked a little shocked.

“Ach, not like that! Like this...”

Mark started walking toe-to-toe to start writing out the letter 'M' in footprints in the snow and Seb smiled realising what he meant and started copying him.

 

Mark jumped from the end of 'M' to start on 'A' and laughed to see how carefully Seb was concentrating on making his 'S' perfect.

He'd been in such a rush to get out Mark noticed Seb hadn't even bothered to do up his coat, he hoped he wasn't getting cold. The snow was still gently falling all around them as they mucked about.

 

“I'm beating you,” Mark taunted.

Sebastian looked over and started going faster, nearly slipping when he made the leap from 'S' to start 'E'.

 

A few moments later Seb shouted “Done!” and Mark looked over from mid-way doing his letter 'K'.

“What? No that's cheating. You have to do your full name,” he insisted.

Seb came over to him.

“You always call me Seb. Never Sebastian.”

“Do I?” Mark hadn't even noticed. He shrugged. “Sebastian is a bit of a mouthful isn't it?”

“I guess, yeah. I like Seb anyway. Sebastian makes me sound like I'm in trouble with the teacher.”

“I'll have to remember that,” noted Mark, grinning at the idea of telling Seb off.

“You've been cheating _Sebastian_ ,” teased Mark.

Seb pouted, pretending to be peeved at Mark scolding him. He looked up at Mark, giving him his best innocent eyes.

 

Mark shook his head. Oh god, if only Seb knew what those eyes did to him. Seb was looking up at him through his beautiful long eyelashes. There were snowflakes landing on them and getting caught. Seb brushed them away and Mark wished he wouldn't. They looked so perfect. Seb was perfect. The light coming from the house shone on his blonde hair making it look lighter than usual. There was snow landing on Seb's hair as well.

Sebastian stopped pouting and smiled at Mark, but Mark was still staring at him, captured by the way he looked in that moment. Seb was clean-shaven as he had been ever since going to see his parents. All that blonde hair and those big blue eyes and the snow falling around him made Sebastian look like some kind of Christmas angel.

 

“You're staring at me,” challenged Sebastian softly.

“You have snow on your nose _Sebastian_ ,” smiled Mark.

He took a step closer and reached up to gently dust a snowflake away from where it had landed on the tip of Seb's nose.

 

Seb blinked. Mark was so close to him now. He was still looking at him, but Mark's face had relaxed a little from the more intense stare he'd been getting before. Seb looked up and returned Mark's warm smile.

He loved Mark's face, it was so strong and handsome; Like some kind of classic movie-star from long ago with the little cleft in his chin and his jaw-line and cheekbones to die for. He could look striking, but Seb loved it best when he smiled like this and the tiny little crinkles around his eyes seemed to radiate warmth, and when he knew it was a smile just for him it made Sebastian feel good from the tips of his toes all the way through his body.

 

The snow continued to fall all around them but they hardly noticed. It was so silent, as if a blanket had been placed across the countryside, muffling out all noise. It was as if there was no one in the world apart from them.

 

It was so quiet Sebastian thought it was as though everything had stopped, as if everything was frozen, just like the ground. The only thing that still seemed to be moving was the ghosts of their breath as it hit the cold air.

Seb found himself staring at the breath floating from Mark's lips.

Sebastian didn't feel cold. How could he feel cold when Mark was smiling at him so warmly? When he was standing so close to him? So very close to him. Seb could just reach out and touch him.

He thought how nice it would be if Mark had his arms around him right now.

 

Sebastian was locked onto his eyes and Mark couldn't look away. He thought he must have been hypnotised by the blue in them. Those blue eyes that were looking right back at him so softly. And Seb was smiling. Mark loved it when he smiled.

 

Seb smiled a little wider and lost himself in how Mark made him feel. How wonderful he was and how perfect it was that he was here right now. He forgot all about the world and all about the past and all about his fears. There was nothing else. Nothing but Mark. Right there waiting for him.

 

As if in slow-motion, Sebastian pushed himself up on his toes, not breaking his gaze with Mark, as if he couldn't afford to blink or the moment would be lost. He reached up and without even placing a hand on Mark to balance himself, Seb leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips.

 

 

Everything stopped.

 

 

Hearts stopped beating. Breathing halted. Neither of them moved a muscle as the moment froze in time.

The whole of the rest of the planet ceased to exist.

 

Mark felt as though his brain had stopped working altogether. He couldn't compute the sensation and the reality of the fact that Seb was kissing him. He was kissing him. Suddenly it hit him like a thunderclap. _Oh god, Seb was_ _ **kissing**_ _him_.

It was as though his subconscious was yelling at him to respond but he was too shocked to do anything other than try to understand that what was happening wasn't in fact a dream.

 

Sebastian pulled away, needing to breathe.

It had been nothing more than a chaste closed-mouth kiss but it felt monumental. It felt like the most terrifying and wonderful thing he had ever done in his entire life.

He rocked back down on his feet feeling unsteady.

 

Sebastian was about to fall apart. This was the bit where it always went wrong. He was just on the cusp of expecting complete disaster.

He closed his eyes to shut it out.

 

Mark looked at Seb dropping back down and the only emotion he could express in his brain was; _Please, please, don't stop what you were doing._

He saw Sebastian wobble and thought he might fall. So Mark did the only natural thing; He grabbed him.

 

Seb was so surprised to find hands on him and then feel them let go as arms slid around his body, that he gasped, and as his eyes opened again it was just in time to see Mark lean in to kiss him in return.

Mark clung on to Sebastian, one hand holding him at the small of his back, the other hand reaching up to rest where Seb's neck met his head to stop Seb falling completely as Mark felt him dip beneath him.

Mark forgot about everything and kissed Sebastian as he had wanted to for so long. A hundred nights of longing went into that kiss and Seb was pushed back by the force of it so much that if Mark hadn't been tightly holding him, he would have collapsed into the snow.

 

Mark pulled Seb back up and they prised themselves apart for a second to draw air, both of them so unprepared for what had just happened that the reality of it hadn't caught up with them.

Sebastian was looking at Mark with such wide eyes it made Mark grin with delight at their audacity. Neither one of them could speak, but Mark decided speaking was over-rated and before he had time to get nervous again he took a hold around Sebastian's middle and pulled him in to kiss him again.

 

Seb felt his heart pounding as Mark moved against him more gently this time, although pressing his lips against his own more insistently. When he had imagined this, Seb had always thought he would he would be so scared in this moment, but how could he be afraid when it was Mark? It was just Mark. His Mark.

Sebastian threw his arms around Mark's neck and clung on for dear life. He let his head fall back and his lips part as Mark's tongue fought to enter his mouth. Before he knew it, Seb was responding in kind and they were kissing so desperately it was as if the world was ending and this moment was their last.

The thought drifted through Sebastian's head that if this was his last moment on earth, this is how he would want to spend it, because Mark was kissing him, oh god he was really, _really_ kissing him. He wasn't rejecting him and he wasn't shocked or appalled that Seb had just done what he'd been dying to do for so very long now. He was kissing him back just as hard, harder even, and with such passion. This couldn't be fake, this couldn't be anything other than real.

 

Mark closed his eyes and lost himself in the moment. The feel and the taste of Seb, oh god _Seb_ who was melting in his arms as if he'd wanted this just as long as Mark had. Could that be true? Could Seb want him, _need_ him just as much as he did? Hadn't Sebastian told him earlier that he needed him? How had Mark been so stupid as to not recognise what he'd been trying to tell him? Because surely that was what this meant? Sebastian had kissed him. He hadn't waited for Mark to do it. Didn't that show how strong Seb was now, how transformed he was, that he could be so much braver than Mark? Mark praised god that Seb had been so brave. If he'd waited for Mark to make that move they might have been still waiting next New Year.

 

A noise interrupted them and they separated, both attempting to get their brains to catch up with what had just happened and a little shocked by the intrusion of something from the outside world.

 

“Church bells,” explained Mark, as Sebastian still looked a little dazed.

He smiled. “It must be midnight.”

“Oh,” let out Seb, still holding his gaze. They hadn't parted more than a few inches.

In the far distance fireworks exploded in the night sky, but they were too interested in each other to pay them much attention.

A broad smile crept across Sebastian's face. “Happy New Year.”

Mark started laughing, thinking how this must surely be the best New Year ever.

“Oh god, please don't tell me that was just a New Year's Eve kiss?” Mark queried, mostly hoping he was joking.

Sebastian laughed in response, the tension of the situation ebbing away. It was still just him and Mark. Just him and Mark like before, like always.

But nothing was like it was before. Everything had changed.

 

Seb tried to speak again but he couldn't, so he just shook his head. It wasn't just a New Year's Eve kiss, of course it wasn't. He couldn't take his eyes off Mark. They were still so close to one another.

Mark smiled back at Sebastian. Of course it wasn't merely a New Year's Eve kiss. How could it be? Surely no one kissed like that just for New Year? Like their lives depended on it.

Mark slid his hands inside Seb's unfastened coat and linked them behind his back. He drew him closer so they pressed against each other's bodies as they ought to, getting rid of those terrible few inches of separation.

Sebastian rested his head against Mark's shoulder, turning his head in towards him. He closed his eyes for a moment and was still, just to capture the perfection of the moment he'd dreamt of for so long. He reopened his eyes soon enough to remind himself that this wasn't a dream, this was really happening.

Mark took a deep breath and felt Seb do the same. Their chests were moving as one, as if they were in perfect sync, as if they were made for each other. Mark thought it must be true that they were made for one another, they fitted together so well: Sebastian's head was resting in the crook of his shoulder as it was made to do. His arms reaching around him as Mark's did the same, simply resting there relaxed, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, which it was. He rested his cheek against Seb's head and thought how they had been together like this before, really so many times before, but never like this, not like this.

 

Sebastian moved his head and Mark did likewise; they found themselves staring into one another's eyes again, not needing any words. They kissed again, more softly this time, more slowly, as if they had all the time in the world. Nothing was going to interrupt them. The outside world had gone away again and it was just the two of them, lost in the moment, lost in each other, gently exploring with tongues and lips, no thought required, just instinct.

Neither one could have said how long they continued. When they finally broke apart it felt as though hours had passed, days, years. Time had no meaning at all.

 

They had forgotten all about any such mundane realities such as the weather, but as Mark looked up he grinned to see Sebastian's hair with snow in it. He let go of Seb and brushed it away, before feeling up to his own head and doing the same for himself.

“We should go inside before we catch our deaths in this cold,” Mark urged.

Seb just nodded, wondering if he might have now lost the power of speech altogether. Mark took his hand and led him across the lawn back to the house. Sebastian had to tear his eyes away from Mark to look where he was treading in the ever deepening snow, but he couldn't fall, Mark was holding onto him.

 

As Mark pushed open the kitchen door and they stepped inside, he stopped and looked back out into the garden. Sebastian let go of his hand and the two of them stood in the doorway, Seb leaning his back into Mark and Mark wrapping his arms around him.

“They've gone,” noted Sebastian, finally finding his voice.

“Hmm?” muttered Mark softly.

“Our names in the snow.”

“Oh.”

Mark looked, and true enough, the garden was covered again, no sign of where they had played about before.

 _Before._ Mark thought it was another age. Like BC/AD.

Their whole lives had changed in an instant. Mark was absolutely convinced of it. They had crossed a cavernous divide in their relationship and there was no going back.

 

Mark huffed a dry little laugh and Seb felt it brush through his damp hair.

“It's such a cliché,” Mark smiled.

“What?” asked Sebastian, turning slightly to look at him.

“It's a blank page. The snow in the garden. Like the new year. We can write on it anything we want to.”

Seb smiled at the idea. They could do whatever they wanted. Just them. No one else mattered. No one could judge them, or think anything about them. The only ones that mattered were the two of them.

 _Together._ Seb took another deep calming breath as he felt his heart swell at the word.

 

 

He turned further around, still within the circle of Mark's arms, and did as he had before, somewhere back in the mists of time; He pushed himself up and kissed Mark on the lips.

Mark gently pressed back against his lips then gave him a squeeze as Sebastian lowered himself back down.

Mark let go of Seb and they stepped back so they could go properly into the house and shut the door.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take a breath people. This is just part 1 of a 2 part chapter...


	29. Melted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you took a nice deep breath after the last chapter?

  

As the door closed, Sebastian watched as the snowy scene beyond was cut off. He almost didn't want it to go. It felt as though the snow falling in the garden made it magical, as if they'd been enchanted into making those moves they had been yearning to for so long.

Now they were back in the kitchen it seemed as though reality was back in force. They pulled off their wet boots and Mark took off his coat. Sebastian's hands felt numb and he struggled to remove his jacket. His body didn't seem to be operating correctly, as if he was slightly in shock.

“Hey, you alright?” checked Mark, frowning ever so slightly as Seb leant back against the kitchen wall just beyond the door.

“Yeah, I...”

Mark saw he was having some difficulty and helped him take off his coat, dumping it on the counter by the window. He took Seb's hands in his.

“You're freezing.”

Mark thought they should have come inside sooner. Sebastian's hands felt like blocks of ice. He placed them together and rubbed them to get his circulation going.

“Better?” Mark checked.

“Yeah,” replied Seb.

“You're still shivering,” noticed Mark.

“No I'm not. I'm not cold now,” contradicted Sebastian.

 

That much was true. He wasn't cold any more, but as the adrenaline of their first moments together dissipated Seb felt himself trembling.

Mark looked concerned. “You sure you're okay?”

Seb nodded tightly. He wanted to smile to reassure Mark, but he felt a little overwhelmed.

“Come here.”

Mark pulled Seb back into his arms where he belonged and held him tight for a few moments before letting go and rubbing his arms to make sure he was warmed up.

“I'm really okay,” insisted Sebastian. “I'm okay now.”

He had stopped trembling as he relaxed into Mark's touch. The feeling of his hands upon him was so natural, so familiar, it calmed him from the inside out. Nothing could be wrong if he was with Mark like this.

“Yeah?” double-checked Mark, looking carefully at Sebastian as he let go.

“Yeah,” confirmed Seb, sounding more solid.

 

Mark took a hold of both of Sebastian's hands and led him across the kitchen to the table. He pushed one of the chairs out of the way and rested back against the edge of the table to balance himself. He pulled Seb closer again. Like this, with Mark lowered down ever so slightly, they were the same height, their eyes level.

Mark breathed in deeply, gathering himself to be brave, to be decisive. Seb had been brave, now it was his turn. He almost laughed at the idea of waiting for the right moment. It couldn't get much more right than this.

Seb thought Mark looked as though he was about to say something and a tiny traitorous part of his subconscious wanted to worry what this might be, but he pushed it away. It could only be good things. Mark would only say good things. He'd never hurt him. Not Mark. Mark could never hurt him.

 

Mark thought of all the times he had rehearsed this in his head and had failed to put his thoughts into action. He wasn't going to wait any more. He dived in.

“Mate I need to tell you something.”

Sebastian nodded, frantically shutting down any urge to panic.

Mark ran his hand up and down Seb's arm as he stood in front of him. He wasn't sure if it was to calm himself, or to reassure Sebastian, or if it was just a reflex desire to always be touching him in some way.

Mark locked his eyes carefully on Sebastian's as he stood right in front of him, their bodies almost touching, but now only linked by his hand that still stroked Seb's arm.

Mark swallowed and then puffed out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. In his head he gave a tiny laugh at how even now, even after what had just happened, he was still struggling to get the right words out.

He lifted up his other hand and placed it against Sebastian's cheek that was so pink from having been out in the cold. His other hand stilled on Seb's arm.

“Seb, I have to tell you... I love you.”

The words almost sounded odd to him, like they weren't his, but he'd said it. He had _finally_ said what he'd been trying to tell Seb for so long. Mark took a relieved breath and let out a little laughter. He felt giddy. As he continued his words flowed more naturally.

“I'm _in_ love with you. God, I have been for ages and I'm such an idiot because I couldn't find a way to tell you.”

Sebastian's eyes opened wide and he took a gasp of air. His heart pounding.

Mark moved his face closer to Sebastian as he searched his eyes for an answer to the question he'd not dared ask.

“Seb?”

“Yeah,” managed Sebastian.

 

His head was spinning. Mark loved him. Oh god, he just said he loved him. His heart was beating so hard now that it must surely burst out of his chest, his ribs couldn't hold it.

Mark continued to look into his eyes, desperately hoping for more of a response from Seb. He removed his hand from Seb's cheek. His mind whirling.

_Please say something. Please. Please tell me you feel the same. You have to feel the same way. Surely? Just now. What happened just now, didn't that mean you feel the same way?_

Sebastian finally pulled himself together seeing how tortured Mark looked. He couldn't leave him hanging like that.

“I love you too. Of course I love you too. Isn't it obvious?”

 

Mark almost cried with relief. “Oh thank god.”

He let out a shaky breath. “Thank god. Jesus Seb, you scared me then.”

Mark's whole body relaxed.

 

Sebastian couldn't imagine Mark being scared. Mark who was so strong, so confident. Mark who was just as human and vulnerable as he was.

 

“Sorry.” Seb looked down for a second, feeling abashed. “I didn't mean to. I just got stuck.”

Mark shook his head. “Fine pair we make.”

They were both as bad as each other. Why was all this so hard? People in films made it look easy. Reality was different. It was dangerous. It was terrifying.

 

Mark leaned himself forward a little, taking Seb's hands back into his own as he confessed.

“I love you so much. Just _completely._ ”

Mark squeezed Sebastian's hands gently to emphasise his words.

“I don't even know how long for really, but it feels like forever. I've been so afraid you didn't feel the same way and I couldn't stand the idea of losing you as a friend.”

“We can still be friends can't we?” checked Sebastian. He didn't want to lose being friends with Mark.

“Of course. Of course we can still be friends.” Mark gave a smile. “Best friends.”

He didn't care how childish the term was, it was accurate.

“Good, because I don't want to lose that,” asserted Sebastian.

“We won't. That's what I was worried about. That's why I didn't say anything,” admitted Mark.

 

“I thought it was just me,” revealed Sebastian. “I thought maybe you couldn't see me that way, that maybe,” he gave a nervous shrug, “maybe you just felt sorry for me.”

Mark creased his brow and shook his head. “I don't feel sorry for you Seb. That's not how it is. Maybe once upon a time, but that's all a long time ago. I don't need to feel sorry for you do I?”

Maybe the fact they'd taken this long was a blessing in disguise?

“No,” answered Sebastian firmly.

“Good. Because I don't. I don't feel sorry for you. I admire you. I think you're amazing.”

Seb gulped. “Amazing?”

“Yeah mate, I think you're fucking amazing,” grinned Mark.

“I think you're pretty amazing yourself,” smiled Sebastian happily.

Mark laughed. “Well that's good.”

 

Mark looked at Sebastian smiling right in front of him. Those lovely round cheeks, still pink from before. He let go of all caution and slipped a hand from Seb's, reached up and pinched one of those beautiful round cheeks.

“Oh my god, what was that?” laughed Sebastian, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

“Sorry. Couldn't help myself. I've been dying to do that.”

Sebastian shook his head. Tonight was full of surprises.

Mark grinned back at him, impossibly pleased with himself for taking so many risks.

“Just couldn't help it. They're too gorgeous. _You're_ **so** gorgeous.”

 

Sebastian looked down coyly. Mark thought he was gorgeous. Mark was incredible. Seb's heart felt as though it was swollen to twice it's normal size.

Mark placed a finger under Seb's chin and lifted it back up.

“No more hiding how we feel, okay?”

Seb nodded. “Okay.”

Right now he felt like kissing Mark again, so he did just that. He slid his arms around his neck and pressed himself against Mark. Melting again as Mark kissed him back just as passionately.

Mark put his arms back around Sebastian, his hands placed on his lower back holding him in. He lost himself in the kiss, in Seb, in all of this and how wonderful it felt. He thought he could do this forever; just kissing Seb as if there was no tomorrow.

 

Sebastian pulled away slightly, gasping for air, his arms still around Mark just as his were around him.

“Oh god. I love you so much. So _so_ much. You've no idea!” declared Sebastian.

Mark thought he had a pretty good idea, seeing as he felt the same way. He closed his eyes for a second thinking how incredible this was. He was the luckiest person on the entire planet.

He thought of all the things he wanted do to Sebastian to make him happy, to make him gasp like that so perfectly. He wanted to make a start.

 

He started by kissing along Seb's jaw, making Seb gasp again just as he'd hoped. Seb tipped his head back slightly to one side, closing his eyes so he could feel it even more.

Mark moved one of his hands from Seb's back up to take the weight of his head as he gave in to the sensation. Sebastian's arms slid from around his neck and his hands moved to take a hold of Mark's shoulders to anchor himself.

Mark allowed a smile to creep across his face as he worked his way from Seb's jaw to his neck feeling his pulse point jumping rapidly. He kissed a little harder there drawing a loud “Oh!” from Sebastian that made his heart sing.

 

He lifted his head to whisper in Seb's ear. “I hope that was a good 'Oh'?”

Sebastian turned to look at him straight in the eye.

“God yes,” Seb affirmed, sounding breathless. His chest was starting to heave as his breathing got away from him.

“You want me to slow down?” checked Mark.

“No. Do it again.”

Mark laughed at how bossy Seb could be. Who was he to complain? He set about doing as he was instructed. Some tasks really were a pleasure.

 

Sebastian held on to Mark as he felt his knees go weak when Mark kissed at the most sensitive areas of his neck again and again.

“Mark. Oh, oh god I can't. I can't...”

Seb's breathing was getting out of hand, his chest was heaving.

Mark realised Seb needed his help as he felt the tug on his shoulders grow stronger and he shot his hands under Seb's arms to support him. Jesus he went fast.

Seb was looking at him with wide eyes, panting for breath as he tried to recover himself.

Mark's own chest was working pretty heavily. He rested his forehead against Sebastian and the pair of the them took a minute.

Seb clung even tighter to Mark as they pressed their faces together, not even kissing, just breathing the same snatched air.

 

Eventually they pulled apart.

Seb still felt a little wobbly but he refused to give in. He could control his breathing, he just had to slow it down. He knew how to do this. He took a deep breath and held it, then let it out very slowly. He looked up to see Mark examining him.

“Maybe we should stop,” suggested Mark. He was still taking a lot of Seb's weight in this position.

“Stop? No. Please don't stop,” begged Sebastian, looking into Mark's eyes, his lovely warm concerned eyes.

“I'm fine. I'm okay. We can carry on,” insisted Seb. Everything was so intense, but he never wanted this to stop.

 

Mark hesitated for a second before pushing himself away from the table and grabbing an even tighter hold of Sebastian as he switched their positions. He took Seb's weight under his arms and hoisted him to sit on the table, garnering another surprised small “Oh!” from Seb that would have made him laugh if he wasn't a little worried they were taking things too fast.

“Okay?” Mark checked again.

Seb nodded before admitting, “I'm a bit too hot.”

Mark nearly teased him at the double entendre, but Sebastian still looked a little flustered as he fiddled with the zip of his hoody to pull it off and Mark didn't have the heart. Instead he set about helping Seb divest himself of a layer and then dragged his own hoody over his head, thinking they could both use a little cooling down.

He stepped away from the table and Sebastian looked worried.

“Where are you going?”

“Just getting some water,” explained Mark, ducking back to plant a kiss on Seb's cheek to reassure him.

He grabbed a bottle from the fridge and saw the champagne lying there abandoned. They didn't need it.

Mark took a swig of water to revive himself as he walked back over and then passed the bottle to Seb.

 

Sebastian sat there feeling slightly ridiculous, perched on the kitchen table on his own, even if it was for only a few seconds. If he stopped to think about it, everything was so bizarre. But then it was okay again as Mark reappeared in front of him and passed him the water bottle. He took a drink before passing it back to Mark who set it down on the table a little way over.

 

Mark smiled at the sight of Sebastian sat there, sat on the table right in his bloody kitchen. He glanced up, no mood lighting in here, nowhere to hide. He was completely exposed to Sebastian now, as he was to him.

He regarded Seb in front of him; his lips dark and swollen from kissing, his hair dried from the snow, but somewhat dishevelled. His jaw and neck a little pink from stubble rubbing against his skin Mark realised, feeling a little bad about it.

He stroked his thumb gently along Seb's jawline.

“I'll be giving you stubble-rash. I should shave.”

“What now?” stopped Sebastian.

Mark chuckled. “No not now. Not unless you really want me to?”

Sebastian shook his head. “No.”

God he didn't want Mark going _anywhere._

“I like you like this,” confessed Seb, giving him a shy smile.

“Oh really?” asked Mark raising an eyebrow. Well wasn't that good to know?

“Yeah,” Seb confirmed, wondering why they were wasting time talking when they could be kissing. They should be kissing right now.

Sebastian took matters into his own hands, literally, by putting his hands either side of Mark's wonderfully handsome stubbly face and pulling him in as Seb sat forward to meet him. Starting by kissing him slowly, but quickly becoming more fervent as his hands left Mark's face to hold onto either side of his waist.

As Mark leant into the kiss, it became apparent to Seb that they ought to be closer, so he automatically shifted himself up closer to the edge of the table, moving his legs apart so that Mark could fit between them.

 

Mark was the one who found himself losing his breath now. Seb was pressed right into his crotch and it was taking all of his self control to keep things slow, not to grab Sebastian by the hips and slam into him.

Mark pulled away panting for breath. He couldn't stay away though, he leant back in, sliding one hand underneath the hem of Seb's t-shirt at the back to rest against his skin. It felt hot to the touch, just as it had the other day; like he was on fire. Mark couldn't work out if it was Seb or him, but now he didn't care. It made his skin tingle dangerously.

 

Sebastian leaned back into Mark's wandering hand as they kissed so slowly, like an immaculate torture. He wanted to fling himself at Mark. He wanted to hold onto him too tight and never let go. He wanted to do all kinds of things.

 

Mark felt Seb smile into the kiss and wondered what was going through his head. He got a fair idea when Sebastian let go of him and put his arms back behind himself leaning back towards the table, forcing Mark to lean into him to follow the kiss.

This worked for a few more minutes before they found themselves speeding up as the kiss became more passionate, more abandoned, and their brains almost switched off altogether.

 

“I'm still too hot,” gasped Sebastian, as they parted for a moment.

Not so long ago he'd been frozen from the snow, but now he was boiling over.

Mark had placed his spare hand onto the table to hold himself in place as they kissed, but now it was following it's partner and sliding under Seb's t-shirt, pulling it up and off over his head as Sebastian grinned quite delightfully and raised an eyebrow at Mark.

The message was clear. Seb rather underlined his point by sitting up and waiting while Mark dragged his own t-shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor.

 

Mark stopped for just a second to look at Sebastian sat there, half-dressed, his chest rising and falling heavily, his cheeks still pink and flushed, but no longer from the cold. How was he supposed to resist?

He ducked down to kiss Seb again, pushing gently but definitely back. Mark's hand went underneath Seb's head so he didn't bang it against the table as they fell together.

And then Mark was gone. Seb's lips on his, his skin on his, his body underneath him, Seb's chest pressing against his own. Gone.

 

Sebastian felt his heart-rate shoot up as Mark leant against him. There was a part of him that started to feel unsettled to be pressed down on a hard surface like this, but he shoved that away. This wasn't the same. It was nothing like that, nothing at all like how it had been. This was Mark. _His_ Mark. Mark wouldn't hurt him. He'd never _never_ hurt him. Mark had kept stopping, kept checking he was okay, that he wanted this. Even now his hand was protecting Seb's head from lying on the hard table.

Seb closed his eyes and thought instead about how much he loved Mark and how Mark had told him that he loved him. God, Mark loved him. That was so unbelievably fucking amazing. And Mark had said _he_ was amazing. Oh god, _god._ Mark had moved his mouth from his and gone back again at kissing his jaw, his neck...

Oh god! Sebastian gasped as he felt his body rise uncontrollably at Mark's touch. Mark's right hand rested at the side of Seb's waist as his left remained trapped beneath his head. Mark was kissing down further below his neck, along his collar-bone, to his chest. _Oh god..._

He was kissing him so softly, so carefully.

Mark moved his hand from Seb's waist to push against the table so he wasn't putting too much weight on him.

Sebastian opened his eyes back up again to see Mark's face right above him.

 

Mark could see Sebastian starting to pant for breath, his eyes unfocussed.

“Seb, you still with me?”

Sebastian sucked in some air to allow him to say the first thing that came into his mind.

“With you? I'd go anywhere with you.”

Mark smiled. He wasn't even quite sure what Seb meant by that, but he liked the sentiment.

“Very good mate.”

 

Mark pulled away a little, allowing Sebastian to regain his breathing. He meant to move back in to continue where he'd left off, but Seb started to sit up, pushing with slightly uncoordinated arms at the table to lift himself. Mark removed his hands from Seb and rubbed them against his jaw as he stood upright. He tried to dial his brain into full operating mode, but that went out the window as soon as Sebastian put both hands against his bare chest and pushed them up, up his body, up towards his shoulders and down either side of his arms. Seb took a hold of his wrists and placed Mark's arms around behind him. Mark linked his fingers as they met just above the belt of Seb's jeans and he used the opportunity to tug him in a little closer to the edge of the table.

The sudden movement startled Sebastian but he quickly recovered as he focussed on trying to repay Mark's actions from before. He began kissing Mark's body, reaching up to his shoulder, his neck, his chest. Seb thought he didn't really know what he was doing and there was no order to it as there had been from Mark, but he forgot about that as he heard Mark let out a guttural moan and he continued on.

 

“Oh fuck. Seb.”

Sebastian stopped, asking anxiously; “Am I doing it wrong?”

“Wrong? Jesus. No. You're not doing it wrong. Fucking hell...” Mark tried to refocus his eyes to look at Seb.

He pulled a hand from where he'd been gripping Sebastian and placed it on Seb's temple as Mark dipped his head down to get his attention.

“How could you think you're doing it wrong?”

Seb shrugged and couldn't think what to say. He didn't want to point out that this sort of thing hadn't exactly been on the agenda in the past. He didn't want to ruin this by letting any of that intrude.

“You're not doing it wrong. Okay Seb? You're doing it very right,” asserted Mark.

“Very,” he kissed his cheek, “very,” he kissed the corner of his mouth, “right,” he kissed him on the mouth.

He stroked his thumb against Seb's temple soothingly and Seb unconsciously leant into the touch.

Seb looked up at Mark as he pulled away from the kiss and Mark lost himself in those eyes again. He didn't want Seb to be anxious, he wanted him to be happy. Mark gently kissed his lips again and felt them widen into a smile. That was more like it. Mark lifted away and smiled back.

 

Sebastian let himself relax. Mark was so incredible. He never let him down, he never let him feel bad about himself. How could one person do so much for him? He was perfect. And here he was giving himself to him entirely. Every kiss, every touch, felt like he was telling Seb he loved him, over and over again. Sebastian could hardly believe it was happening. Even in his dreams it had never been like this.

Sebastian flung his arms around Mark's neck and lifted himself up to meet Mark's mouth, kissing him hard, taking Mark a little aback.

Mark recovered from his surprise and kissed back, pleased that Seb seemed to have re-found his confidence. Before he knew it, Mark was pressing back down against Seb, both hands around his back pulling him closer still.

Seb pushed his legs further apart, drawing Mark against him.

Mark let go with one hand and dropped it to the table to stop himself from shoving Sebastian backwards. He tried to restrain himself but he was losing control. Seb's arms were still wrapped around his neck pulling him down as the kiss deepened and deepened. All conscious thought floating away. The last remnants of his sense told him he should stop, he should hold off, but the blood wasn't flowing to his brain any more.

Sebastian was lost in the kiss and the electric feeling inside of him. He didn't even know what he was doing any more other than connecting with Mark. He had to stay connected to Mark at all times, at all cost. That was all that mattered. He felt as though his whole body was humming.

 

“Oh fuck.” Mark tried to pull away a little from Seb, but Sebastian still had a tight hold around his neck. “Shit. Sorry.”

Sebastian let go of him. “Why?” He frowned before his brain caught up. “Oh...”

There was no disguising how hard Mark was as he pressed against him.

“Shit, I don't want to...” stumbled Mark, his mind still not working properly.

Sebastian frowned as Mark managed to move away slightly.

“Don't want to?”

“I, we... We shouldn't rush this, we don't need to,” managed Mark.

“Mark,” appealed Seb softly, “it's okay. Please. Don't stop.”

“Seb...”

But Sebastian couldn't stand the connection between them being broken. He moved and pulled at Mark's arm to drag him back closer again. He looked up at him seriously.

“Please?”

Seb felt a terrible fear creeping inside him. He desperately didn't want Mark to back off and leave him alone.

Mark felt Seb take a hold of his other arm and pull the pair of them back around behind Sebastian. He knew he shouldn't, but he allowed himself to move back up against Seb. He let out a little groan. Fuck, it really was impossible to stop this. Sebastian was right up against him and Mark's body knew what it wanted. It wanted Seb. _He_ wanted Seb. He'd wanted him for so long, restrained himself for so long, and Mark couldn't hold it back any longer.

Helmut Marko himself could be naked and dancing a lambada in the corner of the kitchen and it wouldn't be enough to distract him any more.

 

“We... we shouldn't rush,” tried Mark again, his voice shaking a little at the effort to stay rational at this point.

Sebastian looked up at him and Mark was ruined by the look in his eyes.

“Don't you want me?” pleaded Seb.

Seb felt as though something was on the point of breaking inside of him. Didn't Mark want him like that? Did he think he was spoiled, that he was damaged?

 

Mark closed his eyes for a second to shut out the look Sebastian was giving him. He didn't know what to do. He knew what he really wanted, but was Seb ready for that? After everything that had happened to him, wasn't leaping in at the deep end a bad idea? _Fuck._

“Mark?”

Mark opened his eyes again. He couldn't leave Seb out in the cold like that. He sighed as he saw the taut expression on Sebastian face. He looked on edge, as if he might be crushed at any moment. Mark couldn't do that to him.

“It's okay,” Mark soothed, his voice still a little rough. He puffed out a little air and rested his forehead back down against Sebastian's.

“It's okay, it's okay,” Mark repeated, as much to reassure himself as Seb.

“Of course I want you. Bloody hell,” he let out a shaky breath. “Jesus, can't you tell how much I want you right now?”

Mark lifted away a little and gave Seb a half smile, quirking an eyebrow up at him. God it was almost funny, the predicament they were in, but somehow it really wasn't. It was too serious for that. It meant too much.

Seb took a sharp breath in. It was okay. It had to be okay. Mark was telling him it was okay, so it was okay.

 

Mark's face softened as he saw the tension drop in Sebastian. He put his arms around him and pulled him into his chest, resting his face down against the top of Seb's head. Fuck how complicated this was, Mark just wanted to keep him happy. Whatever Seb wanted was fine. It would be okay somehow.

“Of course I want you,” Mark breathed into Seb. “God, you've no bloody idea how long I've wanted you. It's been killing me.”

They were both breathing heavily again, chests moving in sync. It felt as though they were tied to one another, as if an actual physical cord linked between them.

 

Sebastian pulled up and looked at Mark.

“Take me to bed then,” he said, sounding remarkably calm and certain.

Mark pushed out a breath. How often had he dreamt of hearing those words? He'd never imagined it being quite this tense though. It felt as though the air in the room was charged, as if the light was too bright and everything too real.

Mark ran both his hands down along the Seb's upper arms as he sat in front of him.

“We don't have to have sex, we could just...” Mark trailed off, leaving the options open.

“Haven't we waited long enough?” challenged Sebastian, feeling much more confident again now that he knew Mark really did want him.

 

Mark huffed out a dry little laugh. Christ, they really had.

 

“Okay.”

Mark ran his hands back up along Seb's arms and squeezed his shoulders a second. He wasn't quite sure what made him do it, but it felt encouraging. Oddly enough he felt as though he was the one who needed encouraging.

Mark kissed Sebastian softly on the mouth one more time before stepping back to allow him to slip off the table to stand.

 

As his feet touched the floor Sebastian felt suddenly weak again, as if he'd forgotten how to function. He slid his hand into Mark's to remind himself that he was okay and the pair of them left the room.

Passing the lounge door Mark remembered that he'd shut the dogs in there. It felt as though that was back some time in the previous century it was so remote to how things were now.

Mark opened the door and let go of Seb's hand to cross the room to switch off the television. Sebastian leant against the doorframe waiting for Mark to come back to him. The dogs came over to sniff at him but Seb wasn't really interested in them right now. He just wanted Mark.

Mark was back by his side, pushing the dogs away towards the kitchen. He instinctively kissed Seb on the cheek as he passed him to close the door behind the dogs. He didn't want any interruptions tonight and they had everything they needed in there.

“Come on,” Mark said softly as he returned to Sebastian and they headed up stairs that seemed twice as long as usual.

 

 

Reaching the top, Sebastian glanced at 'his' bedroom door. He had a feeling it wasn't going to be his bedroom any more. Walking into Mark's room his brain was still wondering if it would be 'theirs' now, were they a 'them'? Were they there yet?

They sat down on the bed and Seb felt suddenly a little more exposed, half-dressed as he was. Their t-shirts and hoodies lay discarded downstairs in the kitchen and it would have felt strange to have put them back on to come upstairs.

 

Mark looked at him, trying to work out what was going on in Sebastian's head. Trying to work out what was going on in his _own_ head. He'd calmed down a little bit from before, but the change of scene wasn't exactly one that diverted the mind from the obvious implications of coming up to his bedroom. Mark tried to smooth things out in his brain. If they just did what came naturally, if they did what felt right, surely everything would be okay?

 

“You alright?” checked Mark, tipping his head to one side to examine Seb's face.

Sebastian just nodded. He thought if he could feel Mark's hands on him again he'd feel better in an instant.

 

They were still sat with their feet on the floor, bodies turned in towards one another. Mark had switched on the bedside lamp, so the light wasn't as bright and harsh as it had been downstairs. Mark thought how the dimmer light should make things more relaxing, but he still felt a little tense.

 _'Okay,'_ he thought, _'let's just take things slow, see where they end up.'_

Mark reached over and placed his hand against Seb's right cheek, he smiled softly at him, emptying his mind of worries and stroked it for a moment, before sliding it around to the nape of Sebastian's neck and leaning in to kiss him.

As soon as they connected again Sebastian felt himself unwind. He didn't need to think of anything as long as Mark was kissing him like this. Seb relaxed into the kiss and closed his eyes as he shut out everything but this.

Mark tried to keep the kiss slow and gentle, but the sensuality of it was unbearable and he found himself shifting his body inevitably closer to Seb's, leaning against him, their arms winding around one another seeking contact. Before he knew it, Seb was leaning backwards and he was following, his body twisting awkwardly as their legs still trailed off the bed.

Mark broke the kiss. “Hang on, just, we need to...”

He lifted up slightly and removed an arm from behind Sebastian to sweep Seb's legs up onto the bed as he pulled up his own. As he did so he became slightly unbalanced and landed sideways, only just missing Sebastian.

“Oh, sorry, that didn't quite work,” Mark let out, feeling a little foolish and out of the moment.

Seb unexpectedly started laughing and it suddenly felt as though the tension in the room lifted.

Mark propped himself up on his elbows to look at Sebastian as they lay there all tangled.

“Fuck. I'm such an idiot.” Mark shook his head and smiled.

“No you're not,” contradicted Sebastian, smiling back at him.

 

Mark was by now slightly diagonal across the bed, so Seb moved to match and leant his body down to meet him. He placed a hand on Mark chest and lightly ran his fingers across his skin.

Mark let himself down from his elevated position and the pair of them lay down on their sides facing one another, their faces close but not touching. They were still smiling at each another forgetting about how strange this all was, how close they were. Their eyes were locked on to one another's and as Sebastian continued to trail his fingers along Mark's chest, Mark reached over and placed his hand at Seb's waist and started to stroke it, wanting more contact.

They stayed like this for a while, Mark trying to keep things light, but it couldn't last long and soon the two of them were kissing again and it was impossible to hold back as their movements became more passionate, more abandoned.

Sebastian raised himself to rest half on Mark's chest, his left hand reaching across to first rest against the other side of Mark's chest, but as things progressed it sank lower, caressing his ribs, his stomach, his waist, his thigh.

Mark groaned as Sebastian very definitely placed his hand on his groin and began to rub himself up against Mark's hip through his jeans.

“Oh fuck, Seb.” Mark closed his eyes, losing himself in the sensation. _“Fuck.”_

How the hell was he supposed to take things slow when Sebastian was doing this to him? Mark knew Seb wasn't fooling around. His intentions were only too clear.

 

Sebastian felt how hard Mark was, how much he wanted him. He lost track of his breathing as his mind flooded with lust. He wanted Mark, he needed him, he needed him right now, right this instant.

Seb's heart was pounding as the blood pumped through his veins. He couldn't remember ever feeling like this before. He was lost in Mark, lost in the moment. Nothing else existed but him and Mark together. They needed to be together, they were meant to be together. _Together._ The word filled his brain until it was the only thing that resided there.

 

Mark lay back, panting for air, he couldn't control this, it was too much, it was unstoppable. The brakes on his self-control had failed and he was reaching for Seb's belt to undo it, sliding his hand inside to touch him.

Sebastian gasped and fell back against the bed.

“Shit. You want me to stop?” Mark gritted out, frantically trying to keep some level of restraint.

Mark leaned over Sebastian and looked at him as he lay there, his eyes open. Even in the dim light of the bedroom Mark could see how the blue was pushed out by the dark of Seb's pupils blown wide.

He went to remove his hand but Sebastian snatched at his wrist holding him in place.

“No.”

“Seb?”

“Mark, please,” insisted Seb breathily. “Don't stop. For god's sake don't stop.”

 

Something inside Mark still wanted to tease Sebastian, to joke about how keen he was, but there was a desperation in his voice and Mark knew that above all else, what he wanted to do, what he _needed_ to do, was to give Seb what he asked.

Mark lay pressed against Sebastian's side and didn't speak as he resumed touching Seb through his underwear, stroking gently, finding a rhythm.

Seb gasped again and threw back his head. Mark leant in and started kissing at his jaw, wondering how in the name of god he was managing concentrate on doing two things at once when his brain seemed to have no blood left in it whatsoever.

Mark started whispering in Sebastian's ear. “Yeah. You like that? Is that good? Hmm?”

“Oh!” cried out Seb as his body bucked uncontrollably.

He was hard now too, so hard. Fuck. The things that Mark was doing to him. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe. His heart was beating so loud it must be audible in the room.

 

Seb found his voice. “Fuck. Mark you have to stop. Christ you have to stop doing that or I'm gonna, Jesus, I'm not gonna last.”

Sebastian swore something in German and Mark immediately withdrew his hand.

“Hey, it's okay. Seb, Seb, it's okay,” soothed Mark.

His own heart was pounding pretty rapidly, but he was more concerned about Sebastian sounding so ragged.

Mark pushed himself up on one elbow to let himself look at Seb. He had closed his eyes and was lying back on the bed, panting for air, his chest working hard.

The sight was so arresting that there was a part of Mark that just wanted to watch Seb come undone, but the bit of his brain that was still working knew that Sebastian being okay was more important.

Mark put a hand against Seb's cheek and stroked it with his thumb.

“Seb, open your eyes. Look at me. Are you okay?” coaxed Mark.

 

Sebastian felt the words rather than heard them and forced his eyes to open as he let his breathing settle.

Seb looked up as Mark moved further over him to check on him.

“Seb?”

“Yeah,” breathed Sebastian heavily.

Mark's eyes looked so concerned, it stopped Seb and pulled him back. Was he that much of a mess?

“I'm okay. Sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

“It's alright. There's nothing to be sorry about,” declared Mark.

He huffed a breath and took his hand away from Seb's cheek. He sat up and rubbed his face.

Sebastian lay there feeling the loss of contact and managed to pull himself up to join him.

Mark instinctively placed his arm around him and pulled Sebastian in. He was trying to get his brain to do joined-up thinking, but it was a hell of a struggle.

Seb leant against Mark and rested his head on his shoulder as he tried to re-regulate his breathing.

Mark could feel how hard Sebastian's heart was beating and wondered if Seb could feel his in return. It was still going far too fast.

 

Mark swallowed and gave Seb a little squeeze as he spoke.

“Maybe we should just slow down? We don't need to do anything tonight. We can just stay together. We don't have to sleep together.”

Mark stopped, trying to get his words right.

“I mean we can sleep together in here, or not, I mean, whatever you want is fine.”

Mark didn't much like the idea of Seb going off to sleep in his old room leaving him alone, but if wanted to, he wouldn't push him to stay. Maybe things were getting too heated? Maybe they needed to take the pressure off altogether?

 

Sebastian pulled his head away from Mark to look at him properly. He frowned and shook his head.

“No. Mark, I want to sleep with you. I do. Really.”

Sebastian made sure he was looking directly at him.

“We can sleep together without sleeping together Seb. We don't have to have sex.”

“I want to.”

Mark sighed. “It's not all about tonight Seb.”

He moved the hand that was holding Sebastian in and stroked his arm.

“Please Mark. I want to. Don't you?” pleaded Seb.

Mark closed his eyes. Fuck _yes_ he wanted to, but he still wasn't sure this was right with Sebastian so soon.

“Mark?” Seb moved slightly away to turn his head in to try to look at him.

Sebastian couldn't understand why Mark was resisting. It was obvious how much he wanted to.

“Mark?” tried Seb again getting worried why Mark wasn't looking at him.

Mark opened his eyes.

“Yeah mate.”

“Are you okay?” asked Sebastian.

Mark let out a little laugh at Seb being concerned about him when he was so busy worrying about Sebastian.

“Yeah. I'm good.”

 

Mark internally shook his head. Maybe he was worrying too much. Maybe he was the one over-complicating things not Seb. Sebastian seemed to know what he wanted. Would it really be so very wrong to give in and do what they both seemed to want to do?

 

Mark took a deep breath and then puffed it out slowly.

“Are you sure about this?” he checked again.

Seb nodded. “Yes.”

He'd never been more sure of anything. He wanted Mark and he wanted Mark to want him. He wanted everything to be perfect. He wanted them to be together. He wanted the past to be wiped out and them to write a new future together. _Together_. He wanted them to be together, in every possible way.

 

Mark looked at Seb carefully and then nodded too. “Okay. Okay then.”

He gave Sebastian a squeeze and kissed him on the cheek.

“Okay. I just need to go to the bathroom, get some things. Won't be a minute.”

Mark gave Sebastian a little smile and let go of him to get up.

 

He walked out of the room and Seb sat there feeling strange at the loss of Mark. Seb took a deep breath and sat there not knowing what to do. He wondered if he ought to get properly undressed and climb into bed, or if that was wrong, if he should just wait for Mark. He felt suddenly stupid and inexperienced like he did when he was younger and he had found himself in situations that quickly got out of hand.

But this was different, Sebastian reminded himself. This was Mark. Mark who loved him and cared for him and only ever wanted to help him and make him feel good. It was _Mark_. It was all okay. Seb could feel his heart still pounding away and he tried to slow it down by taking some slow steady breaths. He rested his arms out behind him and stretched out his chest, concentrating on that to distract himself from his thoughts.

Mark seemed to be taking a long time. Seb tried not to think about that. Maybe he was just doing something silly like cleaning his teeth. As if Seb cared about that right now?

Seb let his hands fall away and he dropped back onto the bed, letting out a huff of air.

He stared at the ceiling wondering why Mark hadn't come back. He wondered whether time hadn't got confused in his head. It already seemed like the longest night of his life. He hadn't bothered to wear a watch tonight or he could check. Long past midnight. That much was for sure.

 

After waiting a little longer Sebastian sat up and started to worry what the problem was. He got up and crossed the room to go find Mark.

 

 

Mark stood in the stark light of the bathroom digging through the cabinet.

No fucking condoms. Not a single one. Brilliant.

Didn't that say a lot about how long it had been?

He had lube, fine, but no condoms at all, even though he could have sworn there was a pack in here. Maybe they'd be past their expiry date anyway.

Bollocks to it. Maybe it was a sign that they weren't meant to?

 

“Mark?”

Mark turned to see Seb lurking in the doorway.

“Oh, hi,” Mark replied awkwardly. He gave a little smile and shrugged. “Slight hitch.”

Sebastian frowned and took a step into the room.

“What's the matter?”

“Umm, no condoms mate. So...”

Sebastian looked down for a second before daring to look Mark in the eye.

“Do we need them?”

Mark stopped. He hadn't even considered that.

“Well...”

 _Standard operating procedure,_ thought Mark.

Seb regarded him shyly, hating that they had to discuss something so clinical.

“I mean I've been tested for everything under the sun this past year,” reported Sebastian.

He hadn't trusted Heikki not to have been fucking around even when he'd taken everything he wanted from Seb.

“Right.” acknowledged Mark, feeling just as awkward. “Yeah. Umm, okay yeah. Me too. Well I mean it's been a while, but then there hasn't been anyone in more than a while so...umm, yeah. I guess we're okay.”

“So okay then,” confirmed Sebastian, thinking they should get things back on track. He didn't need to think twice about trusting Mark.

Mark nodded and grabbed up the bottle of lube as they headed back into the bedroom.

He dumped it at the side of the bed and took Seb's hand to pull him down on top of him.

 

“We take this slow, okay? There's no rush. If we don't get anywhere tonight it doesn't matter. Alright?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded, feeling as though they were already way past the point of no return.

“Okay,” repeated Mark, looking into Seb's eyes as he lay above him. The blue had mostly returned to them, although it was hard to tell in this light.

Mark rested his hands on Sebastian's waist. He leaned up to kiss Seb, to take things back to where they had begun.

 

Taking things slow unfortunately didn't last very long. It was almost impossible with the way they were pressed together and Mark found his best intentions sliding away as Sebastian lay on top of him kissing him so passionately. He forgot about everything but the touch and the feel of Seb and the way he was moving against him was irresistible.

Mark's head got light as the blood redirected itself and he was incapable of stopping himself from pushing his body up against Seb's, grinding hips together and panting for air between kisses that grew harder and more frenzied.

 

Mark flipped Sebastian around so that he was lying partially on top of him. He started up again, but paused to pull away, frantically trying to keep some part of his brain on-message.

“Seb, you still good? Is this okay?”

Sebastian's breathing had slipped again and he couldn't do more than nod. As Mark looked into his eyes he tried to focus on them to hold himself in place to steady his heart-rate, reminding himself all the time that this was just Mark and he was fine, so things didn't get away from him.

“Seb?”

“Yeah, yeah, good,” Sebastian confirmed, reaching up to press his lips back against Mark's.

He felt amazing when Mark kissed him, it was like nothing he'd ever experienced before.

Mark leant down to start kissing his neck and his chest again knowing now how he liked it and Seb's brain started shutting down as he lost himself in the sensations.

 

Seeing Seb react in that way did things to Mark he'd never even thought of. He was struggling to hold on, to stop himself just ripping their clothes off. Mark fumbled with his belt and undid his jeans, before reaching for Seb's to do the same.

The last fragments of self-control kicked in and Mark paused, moving his hands from Seb to push against the bed, lifting himself off him a fraction.

“You're still sure you want this?” Mark managed.

Seb tried to focus his eyes on Mark and nodded.

“Seb?” Mark needed to hear him say it.

“Yes. I'm sure.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark reapplied himself to undoing Seb's jeans but his hands were clumsy and Sebastian pushed them out of the way to do it himself.

Mark was reassured at Seb's decisiveness and moved away, sinking back on the bed as the pair of them struggled out of their clothes to allow them to continue.

As they moved positions, Mark realised that this might be the last coherent thought he was going to have in a while so he'd better make it a good one.

Mark stroked his hand along Seb's torso and lifted himself up to look at him. He tried to focus and not allow his gaze to disappear too low or he knew he might forget what he needed to say.

Seb looked up at him feeling incredibly vulnerable and exposed. The way Mark was touching him was good, but he wasn't quite sure what he was meant to do in response.

Sebastian was taking deep breaths and looking into Mark's eyes reminding himself of their warmth and kindness and how he always felt so good when Mark looked at him.

 

“You can change your mind. At any time, okay Seb? Just tell me and it'll be okay. Or if something's not right, just say and we can stop,” Mark explained, hoping that he was being crystal clear to Sebastian that he was in charge of whatever happened.

Mark reached up to stroke Seb's hair at the side and leant in to press a kiss to his lips as gently as he could.

“If it doesn't happen tonight, it's okay, it won't change anything. Alright?” he whispered.

Seb looked up at Mark and nodded.

“I love you,” reminded Mark, thinking it had been too long since he'd told Seb that. “You know that now don't you? You know I love you and everything's okay, whatever happens now doesn't change how much I love you.”

Mark thought he wanted to say the words 'I love you' over and over to Sebastian.

Seb nodded.

Mark smiled softly. “You lost the power of speech?”

Sebastian swallowed and shook his head.

Mark huffed a tiny laugh and checked again, knowing he had to be certain. “Seb?”

“Yes. I know. I know you love me.”

Seb let the words flow through him reassuringly. Mark loved him. It was like a warm drink inside him, soothing as it flowed deep within him.

“I love you too,” Seb remembered to say. He thought Mark must know that.

Mark dipped down and kissed him again, still resting his hand at the side of Seb's head.

“Good,” he affirmed softly, “it's all good mate, all good.”

 

Mark felt as though his heart was bigger than it had ever been before. It was too full. He loved Seb and Seb loved him right back, and here was Seb trusting him so completely. He tried not to think what a responsibility it was and focussed instead on how Sebastian looked lying there in the half light.

Seb's head rested back on the pillow, his hair already adorably messy. Mark thought he could straighten it later. How nice it would be to stroke Seb's gorgeous soft hair, he'd do that later.

Mark looked at Seb's beautiful face and smiled to think he could just kiss it any time he wanted now. He planted a kiss on his lips and then before it had time to develop into something more, he moved on to kiss on downwards again.

He glanced down at Sebastian's naked body and thought he was perfect. Just as perfect as he'd imagined. He was lying a little too still though and Mark knew he needed to relax him or this would never work.

Mark started laying gentle kisses all over Seb's body and lost himself in the task of drawing him out of himself.

As Seb gave out more and more little gasps and cries Mark let himself smile, knowing that what he was doing was working. He moved back up to kiss him on the mouth and let things continue there for a while, his hands casually stroking Seb's body as he lay partially across him.

 

Sebastian gasped into the kiss as Mark's hands explored lower. His heart-rate rising ever more. The thought crossed his mind that if he wasn't as fit as he was, surely this would be an unhealthy pulse rate. As it was he thought he was in danger of having a heart-attack as Mark's movements became less random and more precise.

Mark allowed his hand to stray from Seb's thigh to his cock and started stroking again, getting the reaction he expected as Sebastian's breath hitched and he lifted away from the kiss to allow Seb to get the air he needed.

Sebastian's chest was rising and falling rapidly and his brain was shutting down in a way that was not unpleasurable. Mark smiled to see the way his eyes widened and he continued what he was doing, leaning in to Seb's ear to whisper endearments and encouragement.

Mark didn't think he even knew what he was saying, but it seemed to work as he felt Sebastian's body perceptibly relax, his body going limp underneath him.

He moved his hand away from stroking Seb, to gently press against the inside of his thigh, pushing his legs apart.

Seb let out a shaky breath and Mark kissed the side of his face, whispering in his ear to check he was okay.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes, willing Mark take over, to let him do whatever he wanted. He trusted Mark. Whatever he did would be okay. He just had to relax and let go, let it happen.

 

Mark started stroking the inside of Seb's thigh, working higher and higher, feeling Sebastian respond and move just as he was leading him to do. He tried whispering in his ear again to attempt to elicit an encouraging response, but Seb just gasped and could only manage an indistinct noise of pleasure which Mark decided had to be enough.

Mark pushed himself up off Seb, leaving him with another soft kiss on the mouth. He went to start to gently turn him onto his front when Sebastian suddenly moved and sat up slightly, his eyes popping open. His hand grasping Mark's wrist.

 

Sebastian had been comfortably losing himself in everything when he felt Mark move him and a sudden burst of adrenaline rushed through him, making him feel as though his veins were jumping out of his skin.

“No,” Seb bit out.

“Okay,” stopped Mark, alarmed at the tone in Seb's voice.

Mark looked at Seb carefully and leant in towards him. He sent his arms around Seb and pulled him up to hold him against his chest.

“It's okay, we can stop,” he assured.

Seb pressed his face into Mark's shoulder, feeling the reassuring rise and fall of Mark's chest against his own for a moment, calming him. He lifted his face to look at Mark.

“Just, not like that, okay.”

Seb searched Mark's eyes, hoping he didn't need to explain. “I need to see you.”

 _I need to see_ _ **it is**_ _you,_ he couldn't bring himself to say.

Mark nodded.

“We don't need to...” he tried, but Seb interrupted him.

“I want to, it just has to be this way.”

Sebastian laid himself back down on the bed, looking up at Mark hoping he understood.

“Okay,” affirmed Mark, trying not to think too much about how Seb had reacted just then. He paused for a second wondering if they really should back out of all this, but every time he had tried, Sebastian insisted he wanted to go on.

He took a deep breath and looked down at Sebastian who was now staring at him expectantly. Mark formed his face into a reassuring smile and reset the counter to zero, leaning in to kiss Seb before moving on again.

 

Seb lay there trying to force himself to relax. He knew he could do this if he could just shut everything out and just focussed on Mark. He locked his eyes on Mark as he kissed him and rested his hands on the tops of Mark's arms. Seb took a deep breath and as Mark moved against him he concentrated on the warmth of his skin and how Mark wasn't taking his eyes off him.

As Sebastian stared into Mark's eyes he thought he was looking right into him and wondered if Mark could do the same; If he could see just how much Seb needed this to go right, how much he wanted to show Mark that they could be together properly. He delved deep inside himself and tried to use all the skills he'd learnt to calm down and centre himself. To shut out his fears and concerns and leave himself with only the thought that Mark loved him and everything he was doing was designed to make him feel good.

 

Mark was just on the point of going to ask Sebastian if he really wanted to do this, when he finally felt him untense once more. Mark felt he could take his eyes off Seb now and returned to what he'd been doing before, kissing his body and stroking him until he finally felt Sebastian was ready and reached down between his legs, pushing them wider as he felt no resistance.

Encouraged, Mark sat up and moved himself to kneel between Seb's legs and began to stroke him again, up his thigh, up between his legs. He leant his body down against Sebastian's and started kissing his neck, working at finding the spot on his pulse that made Seb jump in the right way and he started illiciting little moans and gasps that told Mark that everything was back on course.

 

Seb closed his eyes again feeling safe enough to not need to look at Mark. The sensations running through his body were all good and he let his head fall to the side to give Mark better access to the side of his throat that he was doing such wonderful things to.

He felt Mark increase the pressure of his kisses and lost himself in them, barely noticing the way Mark's hand was drifting between his legs, brushing against him, testing his response.

 

Sensing that the time might finally be right, Mark started to press a little more insistently at his entrance and felt Seb jump under him. He moved his hand and stopped kissing Seb to look at him.

He wanted to check back that everything was okay, but Seb looked so abandoned to the moment it seemed unkind to pull him back into cold reality, so Mark reached over for the bottle of lube and placed it by him, still touching Sebastian as gently as he could.

Mark distracted himself for a moment by changing tack and lightly kissed along Seb's collar-bone, gaining a happy sounding noise in response that encouraged him to continue for a while before taking advantage of the moment to pull away and sit up a moment to piece enough brain-cells together to open the bottle of lube and pour some onto his fingers, rubbing them to make sure it wasn't cold, before returning his hand to where it was before and carefully applying more lube.

 

Seb gasped a little at the feeling, but didn't open his eyes. He pushed his legs further apart to encourage Mark and turned off the last part of his brain that was still functioning.

 

Mark took a stilling breath and then set to work, gently touching and moving to encourage Seb to loosen up and accept him. Finding less resistance than he expected, Mark carried on, trying not to increase his pace before pushing a finger fractionally inside him.

He looked up, but Seb was still just breathing heavily, his eyes closed, but he seemed okay so Mark continued to apply the slightest of pressure, moving agonisingly slowly to push further.

Seb was tight, but it was manageable, Mark started to think that they could do this. He tried moving a little more and was relieved to hear a moan from Seb that was definitely on the right side of pleasure.

Seb's body lifted beneath him and Mark went a little deeper than he intended, drawing a sharp noise from Sebastian that he couldn't interpret. He placed his other hand on Seb's hip to hold him in place to try to control what was happening.

Mark looked up, wishing that Seb would open his eyes and look at him, but he was lost to the world and the way his head was tipped to the side and back a little seemed to indicate all was well, so Mark carried on, working with one then two fingers, gaining more and more gasps and moans from Seb that made him smile with satisfaction.

“You're doing good mate, so good,” Mark whispered in a low voice before dipping down to press a kiss to Seb's stomach getting a little jump in response that almost made him laugh.

 

Finally Sebastian opened his eyes as Mark started kissing his stomach in earnest seeing as he seemed to like it. Mark lifted his head and looked at Seb to give him a reassuring smile. Seb tried to focus on Mark's eyes, but there were too many sensations bombarding him and everything seemed hazy and indistinct.

Mark moved up his body to keep Seb's attention, all the while still moving and working to open him up.

“Hey,” Mark whispered as he reached Seb's face.

He pressed his spare hand into the mattress to stop him from crushing against Sebastian and held himself there for a moment, trying to see if he could get Seb to look at him properly.

“Seb,” he tried, tipping his head a little sideways.

“Mmm,” was all Seb could manage at this point.

“Good?”

“Mmm.”

Mark smiled and kissed him, changing the angle of his fingers inside Seb at the same moment, resulting in a dramatic gasp and Sebastian pulling away from the kiss to throw his head back and arch his back, thrusting himself towards Mark.

Mark lifted away, grinning to himself, knowing what worked now. He kissed back at Seb's stomach as he settled back against the mattress.

 _'Okay,'_ thought Mark, _'more of that then'_ and stopped kissing Seb to concentrate on making him react again and again, feeling him melt beneath him, finally adding a third finger until he thought he was ready.

Mark withdrew his fingers, causing Seb to let out a sharp gasp of discomfort.

“Sorry,” Mark apologised, stopping to lean in to kiss Seb's stomach again.

Mark raised himself back up to be level with Seb, whispering in his ear to try to encourage him to look at him again.

 

Sebastian felt Mark's breath against the side of his face and tried to comply with Mark's request and look at him, but he couldn't seem to focus. By the time he opened his eyes Mark's face was right above him, staring at him, clearly waiting for permission to go on.

Seb felt as though his tongue was swollen, his throat was dry, he couldn't speak. Everything was far too much, so he just held Mark's eyes with his own and nodded compliance.

“Okay,” said Mark softly, kissing at the side of his mouth, his jaw, down, down to his stomach until Seb thought he couldn't take any more waiting.

“Mark, please,” urged Sebastian, finding his voice, and Mark was reassured to hear him again after starting to worry that Seb was far too quiet.

 

Mark grabbed a spare pillow and slid a hand beneath Seb to lift him onto it. He knelt up again and raised Seb's knees up wide either side of him before grabbing the lube bottle again and pouring out a generous amount to first rub carefully into Seb and then onto himself.

Mark pushed Seb's legs higher, a little further apart and positioned himself ready. He leaned back over him and placed a hand to the side of Seb's body, the other working to guide him in.

 

Sebastian lay there trying to not let his breathing get out of hand. His chest was moving more and more rapidly as he felt Mark press against him.

Mark moved so his face was above Seb's again and Sebastian suddenly grabbed at his shoulders pulling him closer. He needed to feel all of Mark against him, feel his chest moving with his own, feel his heart beating.

It pulled Mark a little off-kilter and it took him a moment to readjust his position.

Mark tried again and moving back a fraction, started to push slowly in, causing Seb to lift up and hurry things along more than he intended, forcing Mark to breach him a little too soon.

Seb cried out underneath him and Mark stilled, feeling Sebastian fingers dig into his arms painfully.

Mark stared into Seb's eyes trying hard to read him, but Seb was gone, all focus lost, his mouth parted, panting for air.

 

Sebastian tried to look for Mark above him but he was too inundated by everything. It was all too intense. The feeling of Mark just inside him, but not moving, stimulated too many senses and Seb felt as though his blood was on fire. His eyes didn't seem to be working properly so he closed them to try to concentrate on breathing instead.

 

Mark was using all his energy not to move, not to push into Seb as his body desperately wanted to.

“Seb. Hey Seb, back with me okay?” Mark stopped whispering and spoke firmly, thinking if Seb didn't respond he didn't know what he was going to do.

Seb screwed his eyes tight for another moment, concentrating with all his might on the sound of Mark's voice. Any minute now he was afraid he was going to lose control completely and fall away. He would start panicking and shaking and freak Mark out and he'd never be able to come near him again.

“Seb I'm _right_ here. It's me. It's just me. It's okay,” tried Mark attempting to reach him.

 

Sebastian's eyes opened and he forced them wide to stare at Mark, taking him in. It was Mark, just Mark. His Mark. Mark who loved him, who would never hurt him.

“Mark.” The name flew from his mind straight to his lips.

“Yeah mate, I'm here.”

Mark allowed his weight to fully settle on Seb for a moment as he reached his hands up to place them either side of Sebastian face. Holding him gently in place to know that he was looking at him.

He felt how hard Seb's chest was working beneath his own and wondered once again if this wasn't all too much for him.

“Seb talk to me, tell me you're alright,” he demanded, looking Seb firmly in the eyes.

“Yeah,” breathed Sebastian forcing himself to speak, to meet Mark half-way. “I'm, I'm okay. I...”

Seb wanted to close his eyes again to refocus on calming down his breathing, but he had to keep his eyes on Mark. Mark who was right there, inches above him, his eyes full of concern.

“I don't want to hurt you,” said Mark softly.

Seb took a deep breath, feeling the weight of Mark above him. Mark moved his hands from Seb's face to place them either side of him, lifting himself up slightly to let him breath more easily.

“I'm okay, I just need a minute,” admitted Seb, as he found enough air in his lungs and enough clarity to speak.

Mark nodded and went to raise up off him, but Seb was still holding tightly onto his arms.

“No, don't move. Please.”

Mark stopped, wondering how long he could hold in this position before his arm muscles started to quake.

“Okay,” Mark responded, in a low voice.

Seb swallowed and looked deep into Mark's eyes before taking a risk and asking for what he wanted.

“Mark. Could you... could you just lie with me a minute?”

“Hmm?” queried Mark thinking that was what he was doing.

“Lie against me,” explained Seb.

“I'm not too heavy?” Mark worried.

“No, please. I just need to feel you,” confessed Sebastian, still worrying what Mark must be thinking.

“Okay,” complied Mark, and gently lay himself back down again.

 

Mark moved his arms to rest on the pillow, leaning ever so slightly on his elbows and laying his hands down to link in a circle above Sebastian's head.

Seb lay there feeling Mark's chest move with his own, feeling his heart beating strongly and felt an immense calm descend upon him. He locked his eyes on Mark's and drank him in.

Mark looked at him searchingly.

“We okay?”

“Yeah, that's good, we're okay.”

“Okay,” Mark smiled and kissed Seb again, glad to hear the lucidity back in Sebastian's voice.

“You want to carry on?” Mark asked.

“Yes.”

Mark smiled again and lifted himself from lying completely against Seb, moving his arms back down alongside him at hold himself just above him.

 

Seb took a deep breath and let his eyes close for just a second to gather himself, before opening them again and seeing Mark hadn't moved.

“We're good,” insisted Seb, gaining a nod from Mark.

Sebastian relaxed his grip on Mark's arms and raised his knees higher and further apart. He kept his eyes fixed on Mark's as he started to move slightly, pushing gently but firmly inside him.

“Just relax,” coaxed Mark, feeling how tense and tight he still was.

“Relax,” insisted Mark, his voice so low now that Sebastian thought it was like a vibration that ran through him.

“Relax,” he repeated, gently resting his forehead against Seb's, their eyes so close that when either blinked, their eyelashes brushed against one another.

 

Seb felt as though something was close to snapping in his chest. He didn't think he'd ever been this close to anyone in his entire life. He felt Mark move deeper inside until he was all the way in, drawing a gasp for air from his lips and causing him to raise up a little, unavoidably colliding with Mark's mouth and without any conscious thought from either of them, they were kissing again, lips pressed hard against each other and then moving again to kiss more deeply and slowly.

Mark held himself still against Sebastian letting him get used to the feeling. He concentrated instead on the kiss and only when they ran out of air did he pull away.

 

Sebastian was fighting to push air back into his lungs again. Mark was inside him and all around him, he filled him completely, both physically and mentally, until there was nothing else. Nothing but Mark.

“Yeah?” asked Mark, the question unaired, but all too clear.

“Yeah,” breathed Seb heavily. He lifted his legs and wrapped them around Mark's waist.

They started moving, conscious thought evaporating as their bodies took over, finding their own rhythm.

Mark was moving faster, harder, unable to stop himself wanting more; More friction, more speed, more Seb.

Sebastian never took his eyes off Mark, he saw the change in them as he tipped over, all self-control gone and instinct the only factor. Seb couldn't think anything, he could only feel. He could only feel Mark and though he knew this should hurt, it didn't. Somehow nothing could hurt him, he was floating away.

Mark slipped his arms under Seb's to grasp his shoulders from underneath. Their bodies now tightly together, moving as one. Chests gasping at the same air, moaning out uncontrollably as things sped up even more until neither one thought they could take any more.

Sebastian thought he was going to pass out as what little light there was in the room flickered dark and then seemed too bright all at once. He thought he was feeling everything all at once and it was too much.

“Mark!” he cried out, unable to stop himself falling over the edge.

Mark groaned and seconds later, fell after him, still holding tightly against him.

“Oh fuck, Seb. _Fuck!”_

Mark was still for a moment. His body pressed so hard into Seb that he thought he might not be able to breathe. Their foreheads rested against each other, eyes finally closed.

 

Seb lay there, trying to remember to at least try to breathe. Mark was heavy against his chest and that wasn't helping, but the feeling of Mark's heart pounding through his ribs was so strong he didn't want it to stop, he didn't want him to move, he didn't want the moment to end. It didn't even feel as if they were two people any more, they were one. Just one body, one heart, taking in the same air and pumping the same blood around.

 

Mark felt his mind swimming and struggled to come back to earth. He realised he must be crushing Seb by now and started to try to lever himself up with shaking arms.

As he moved he pulled back and realised he had to withdraw from Seb. He got enough of himself back together to press a kiss into Sebastian's chest before he did so, knowing he wouldn't like it.

 

Seb inhaled sharply at the loss. He wanted Mark back, he needed him, but Mark flopped loosely onto the bed beside him, panting for breath and lost in himself for a moment.

The two of them lay there separately collapsed on the bed for a few moments trying to catch up. Eventually Mark moved onto his side and placed his hand on Seb's cheek, gently turning him to face him.

“Bloody hell. You okay?”

Seb gave a tight, silent nod, still coming down from wherever the hell he'd been a few moments ago. He felt as though he had no bones left in his body, they must all have melted away.

Mark smiled and pressed kiss to his forehead.

He sat up, far too fast for Seb's liking.

“We should clean up, then we can get some rest, okay?”

Mark, turned and went to get out of bed before changing his mind and leaning back down to kiss Seb lightly on the mouth.

“Won't be a second.”

 

Seb lay there, still feeling dazed. Mark had gone. He needed Mark by him and he wasn't there.

Moments later as promised, Mark reappeared. He leant in and gently cleaned Seb with a warm damp cloth. Seb stared into his eyes, unable to move.

Mark smiled down at him, thinking Seb must need a minute. He sat there for a moment, just letting himself gaze at Sebastian lying there and without thinking, slid his hand into Seb's to give it a reassuring squeeze.

“Okay?” checked Mark softly. “I'll be right back.”

Mark left the room again and Seb was alone.

 

He knew it was stupid, but Sebastian suddenly felt teary. He gasped, and without warning everything crashed into him at once. Seb couldn't stop it, he was completely overwhelmed.

 

Mark walked back into the room to see Seb had turned on his side and was curled up. He thought for a moment that he might have fallen straight asleep, but as he got closer he heard a snatched breath.

“Seb?”

Mark moved around to Seb's side of the bed and felt his blood run cold as he saw Sebastian was crying. He froze in place for a second before ducking down to reach his eye-level, crouching by the side of the bed.

“Oh my god, Seb. What's the matter? Seb? Shit. Did I hurt you? Please say I didn't hurt you?”

 

Seb was looking at him but he couldn't hold back, he was sobbing.

“Please Seb?”

Mark's voice cracked and he thought he might cry himself. He reached out and started stroking Sebastian's hair, trying to soothe him.

“Please Seb, tell me what's wrong. Please?” Mark begged, feeling as though his heart would break in a moment.

“Did I hurt you? I never want to hurt you. We should have slowed down, not rushed. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

Mark was still stroking Seb's hair, still looking at him with desperate concern in his eyes and Sebastian finally managed to shake his head.

“I'm not... You didn't...” he gulped, managing to cease crying as his emotions gradually stabilised.

“Seb?” Mark's brow was tightly furrowed. He rested his hand against the side of Seb's head and he felt him lean against it.

 

Mark picked himself up and sat on the bed. He lifted Seb into his arms and felt his body soften into him. He wrapped his arms around him and held him in as Sebastian steadied. Seb's forehead pressed tightly into his collar-bone.

After a few minutes Mark felt steady enough himself to risk asking again. He moved Seb slightly back away and Seb raised his head, his eyes still wet.

“Please tell me what's wrong,” Mark pleaded.

Seb squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.

Mark was about to ask him why he couldn't tell him, feeling devastated that he might have broken Seb, when he spoke very quietly.

“It was never, _never_ like that. It's never been like that before.” Seb stole a look up at Mark. “I've never felt anything like that.”

Mark sighed heavily with relief.

“In a good way? Please say in a good way,” Mark implored.

Seb nodded, swallowing again to regain his composure.

“Yes good. Like nothing else. Like _everything_.”

Seb swallowed again. “I'm sorry it was just...” he shook his head, unable to express how totally overwhelmed he'd felt. “It just hit me and I couldn't hold it back,” Seb explained, his voice still quiet, but more solid.

Mark took a deep breath. “It's alright. You don't have to hold back. Not with me.”

 

Seb nodded and folded himself back into Mark, sliding his arms right around him.

Mark held him tightly and rested the side of his face against Seb's head as he leaned into him.

“It's okay, everything's alright. We're going to be okay now.”

He felt Seb nod his head.

Mark closed his eyes and repeated in a low voice. “It's all okay now Seb. We're okay. We're okay.”

 

A few more minutes passed as they just sat there, tightly clasped against one another, breathing together as their heart-rates finally subdued.

Seb pulled away slightly to sit up. He looked at Mark who reached over to gently wipe away the remnants of dampness on his face before letting his hand rest against Seb's cheek.

“No more tears,” insisted Mark.

Seb nodded and gave a small smile as he looked into Mark's warm eyes.

“It's just it was never like that before. I didn't know it could be like that.”

Seb had never known such tenderness, such love, such affection and care. He felt so filled up with it, it had just been too much and all his emotions had overflowed.

“That's how it is from now on,” stated Mark.

He took both of Seb's hands and squeezed them gently.

“That's how it is when you love each other. That's how it is. That's how we are from now on.”

 

Mark saw Seb's eyes shining, not with tears any more, but something else, something that now threatened to overwhelm him the same way it had overwhelmed Seb; A sense of something so huge you couldn't contain it within one person, as if your heart wasn't big enough and your head couldn't cope with the enormity of it all.

Mark took a deep breath.

It was too much for either one of them to process right now. Too much had happened in too short a space of time. They both knew their entire lives had changed now. Nothing could be the same ever again. It was wonderful and incredible, but it was all too much to handle. They were physically and emotionally exhausted by it all.

 

“Come on, we're going to be alright. Let's just get some sleep now. We can talk tomorrow. Or not talk. Whatever works,” suggested Mark with a smile.

Seb nodded feeling tired and heavy. He didn't think he could talk more now if he tried.

 

Mark gave his arm a comforting rub and they managed to shift themselves to move so that they could settle into bed together.

Sebastian couldn't think anything any more. He felt his eyelids lowering as he dropped his head onto Mark's chest; he couldn't keep them open. As soon as Seb's eyes shut his heart slowed, knowing he was safe and where he was meant to be. He was asleep within seconds.

Mark folded both arms around Seb to hold him tucked against him. He lay there awake only long enough to feel Seb's breathing even out and slow, to feel the way Sebastian molded his body against his own and let a sense of contentment wash over him.

Everything was okay now. They were okay. They were together.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Cough* Umm, guys, you still okay there?
> 
>  
> 
> Be gentle with me, it's my first time...


	30. A Blank Page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what happens the morning after the night before?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm leaving a little more to the imagination here. I'm trusting you guys have *excellent* imaginations...
> 
> ;)

 

 

Seb woke unaware of where he was. His pillow felt strange; harder and warmer than usual. It took him a moment to appreciate that his pillow was in fact Mark.

As full consciousness rushed in, Seb's eyes opened wide. Oh god. _Mark_. His stomach did a back-flip.

He was lying on Mark's chest, draped half over his body, his arm across him, his hand resting on the other side of his chest as if keeping him in place. Sebastian was curled into Mark's side, his hips pressed into Mark's left hip. He couldn't fail to realise that he was naked, as was Mark. For a second his heart clutched, wanting to panic at the newness and unfamiliarity of situation, but as Seb felt Mark's chest rise and fall steadily beneath him he was immediately calmed, because this wasn't new, it wasn't unfamiliar, it was just Mark.

It was Mark and he felt wonderful; warm and comfortable and safe. Mark's arms were around him, one resting around his lower back, the other with his hand sitting at Seb's waist holding on to him.

 _Mark was holding on to him_. Seb felt his heart squeeze tight. It felt so momentous he almost wanted to cry. Sebastian shut his eyes for a moment to stop himself, concentrating on the warmth of Mark's skin against his, the way he could feel Mark's heart beating steadily. He let it sooth him.

Seb recalled what happened the night before and could hardly take it in it was so much. Too much really, he couldn't quite remember all of it; it was a blur of kisses and revelations and oh god, they'd slept together and it had been unlike anything else. Sebastian thought how engulfed by everything he'd become and he cringed to think how he must have made a fool of himself reacting the way he did. Seb hated the way he was so weak and ended up crying, but he couldn't help it. Mark had been so kind, so loving, so perfect. He hadn't made him feel bad about it at all. Mark was perfect and Seb felt his heart squeeze again because Mark was right here with him.

  
Sebastian didn't want to move. He didn't want to wake Mark up and end this beautiful moment. He was so nice and warm; cocooned under the duvet with Mark like this, it was the best feeling in the world. Seb thought he never wanted this moment to end.

He opened his eyes and let out a held breath, watching the way it brushed through the hairs on Mark's chest.

 _'Mmm, Mark's chest; Lovely',_ thought Seb, and nearly giggled out loud.

Oh god, one minute he felt like crying, the next laughing. Seb knew his head was all over the place. It was like he was drunk. It had felt the same last night and they'd never even got near that champagne he'd brought. When Sebastian had arrived early yesterday evening he'd had no idea what the night had in store. If he had, he didn't think he would ever had the nerve to turn up. Sometimes it was better not to know.

Sebastian thought his head was on overload. Best to switch it off for a bit rather than try to process it all, so Seb decided to let himself drift away from his complicated consciousness and go back to sleep. It wasn't very difficult with the way he was so warm and comfortable and listening to Mark's steady heartbeat lulling him into letting his eyelids drop. Seb's last thought before he slid back into heavenly oblivion was that they were still breathing as one. They were still together.

 

Mark opened his eyes to confirm that the weight against his chest really was Seb. He hadn't dreamt it, he was really there. Last night had really happened. He had fantasised about this moment so many times but nothing came close to the reality of feeling Sebastian's head resting against him, his body lying with him, gently moving as they breathed in time. Mark smiled to think how attuned they were, everything felt so right.

He shifted his head to one side to look down at Seb; he was sleeping peacefully and looked so at home there. Mark closed his eyes for a second, remembering how worked up Sebastian had got. It made his heart hurt to think how in shock he had been. Mark prayed that they hadn't rushed things, that Seb would be okay, that he wouldn't regret it.

Even though it had been difficult, Mark couldn't bring himself to regret taking thing so far. He'd wanted to be with Sebastian properly for so long it had felt like an eternity, and once the dam had broken it had been almost impossible to hold back. Seb had insisted over and over that he wanted it too and Mark was sure that he meant it, he'd done everything he could to make sure Seb knew he could back out and that he was happy. It had to have been okay.

The experience had been pretty mind-blowing for Mark too. He didn't think sex had ever really felt quite like that before; it meant so much more than just taking pleasure in something physical. Mark couldn't think of the right words to describe the connection he'd felt to Seb. He loved him so much and he was sure that Seb felt the same way; The way he acted, how he looked at him, they way he held onto him. Mark knew the words themselves mattered less than that, and the way Sebastian was lying there now looking so deeply asleep and somehow contented, told him all he needed to know.

Seb's hair was messy. It stuck up randomly and strands fell across his forehead. Mark thought it looked adorable, but he wanted to straighten it out a little for him, so he pulled his right hand away from Seb's middle and lifted it to stroke his lovely soft hair gently into place.

Mark thought he looked perfect now, but then he always looked perfect. He stared at Seb's beautiful face and thought how every part of it was perfect; his amazing long eyelashes that flickered a little as Mark thought he might be dreaming, his cheeks that were still flushed faintly pink, his beautiful full lips that were ever so slightly parted as he breathed.

Lips he could kiss any time he wanted now. Wasn't that the most wonderful thing?

 

Mark thought again how lucky he was. All his wishes had come true. He'd thought it was pretty incredible waking up with Sebastian at his parents' at Christmas, but that was nothing compared to this.

A grin lit up his face and Mark wanted to squeeze Sebastian tight to let him know how happy he was, but he didn't want to wake him. He thought after last night Seb probably needed to rest, so he leaned down and very carefully placed a kiss into Sebastian's head so he didn't wake him and let him sleep as long as he needed.

 

Mark didn't realise he'd drifted off again until he felt Sebastian shifting against him. He opened his eyes to see Seb's head turned looking up at him.

“Hello,” smiled Mark.

“Hey,” replied Seb, a little shyly.

Mark gave him the squeeze he'd been wanting to earlier and Sebastian pressed his face into Mark's chest, breathing him in.

“You okay?” asked Mark, his voice still slow from sleep.

“Mmm,” breathed Seb into his chest.

Mark huffed a tiny laugh. Seb could stay there as long as he liked as far as he was concerned, Sebastian's breath against his skin tickled and it was a lovely gentle sensation.

 

After a little while Sebastian felt his brain finally clicking into gear. He didn't really want to move, but he knew he needed to speak to Mark to be sure they were really alright.

He moved himself up so he was off Mark's chest and level with his face.

Mark shifted his arm so Seb could lean on his shoulder and he was still holding onto him. The sensation of a naked Sebastian wriggling against him was something else, but Mark knew they needed to talk again before anything else could happen.

 

“Mark,” started Seb quietly, trying push away the anxiety lurking in his gut before it really took hold, “you did mean what you said last night didn't you?”

Mark frowned, wondering what he meant.

Seb felt his heart pace up a little as he braved saying the words. “That you love me.”

He wanted to squeeze his eyes shut in case he'd done the wrong thing by pushing for more affirmation.

Mark sighed that Sebastian could still need to ask that. “Of course I meant it Seb. Of course I love you.”

 

Mark realised it should have been the first thing he'd said when Sebastian woke up, he was still so insecure, it broke his heart a little bit to think that Seb could imagine him saying that to him without being sincere.

He leant over and kissed Sebastian gently before repeating. “Of course I love you. I meant everything I said last night, of course I did. Don't I always mean what I say?”

Sebastian let out a held breath feeling as though he could cry with the relief of it; Of course Mark meant what he said, he always did. Seb could trust Mark. He could trust him with his heart, his body, his life, everything. He should have known he could trust him completely. Mark had never once let him down and surely he never would.

Seb nodded. He pushed down the urge to cry, thinking that he didn't want any more of that.

 

Mark reached up with his free hand and stroked at Seb's cheek. He knew they weren't magic words and that Seb still had a lot to deal with. He'd done so well last night, been so brave in making the first move to kiss him, handled things moving so fast. Remarkably well really in the circumstances. Mark thought how daunting sex must have been for Seb after what had happened to him in the past. Seb really had been so very brave. Thank god it hadn't gone horribly wrong.

It was such a responsibility. Mark suddenly thought that maybe it was a good thing that they had slept together last night before he had had too much time to think about that. If he had, Mark wasn't at all sure he would have been able to overcome his fears of hurting Seb and setting him back. Maybe everything had happened for the best and as it was meant to?

“I love you so much,” repeated Mark, thinking Seb needed to hear this a lot until he was reassured and let himself believe it.

He kissed Seb again and felt him relax, not realising how he had tensed up in the first place. Mark sighed inside a little thinking they had a long road to travel, but Seb was worth it, this was worth it. It was worth everything.

 

“I love you too,” asserted Sebastian, thinking how rubbish he was at paying Mark back for everything he told him.

Mark smiled warmly and kissed him again.

“I know.”

Sebastian pressed his face into Mark's shoulder for a moment, sliding his hand further round Mark's chest to squeeze against him, receiving a squeeze from Mark in return.

It really was okay. Everything was okay.

 

Seb lifted his head again to look into Mark's eyes that were so close.

“This is a thing then isn't it? You and me.”

Mark tipped his head a little closer and Seb saw the teasing in his eyes.

“A _thing_?”

Mark shook his head a fraction.

“No. It's not a thing, Seb. It's _everything_.”

 

Seb closed his eyes for a moment just to soak that in. They were _everything_. Just as he'd hoped. It was the same for both of them.

The knowledge was so incredible, Sebastian couldn't think what to say, so opening his eyes he just smiled at Mark and kissed him some more, letting his brain rest from it's worries for a while.

 

Mark held Seb tight as they lay there unwinding into the kiss, letting sensation take over for a while.

Eventually they broke apart and Mark took a deep breath.

“You're really alright aren't you?” he checked. “We didn't rush things last night?”

Seb shook his head. “I'm fine. Good. Better than good. I'm sorry... about last night. I just got a bit, I don't know, overwhelmed. I'm sorry.”

“Hey, no, don't be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry for, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark leant his forehead into Sebastian and whispered softly. “Nothing to be sorry for. Nothing to worry about. Everything's good.”

Seb lifted away and nodded. Mark always made him feel better. He was amazing.

“I love you, you're just so amazing,” Seb blurted out, unable to contain it.

 

He raised his head and impulsively lifted it to stroke his cheek across Mark's. The stubble tickled and he felt Mark smiling. He didn't even care if it was slightly strange thing to do. It felt wonderful.

Placing his head back down on the pillow he felt a grin spread across his face to match the one he saw on Mark's. Mark didn't think he was silly or strange. He could do anything he wanted to. Sebastian felt so free, as if an enormous weight had been lifted from him.

 

“I'm glad we slept together last night,” insisted Sebastian. “I think if we'd waited I might have just worried about it too much, you know?”

Mark nodded in agreement. He did know. With his propensity for over-thinking things it might have taken them forever and given how long they'd already been waiting he thought the strain might have been too much, it could have damaged things between them. Now they were past that hopefully they could relax and not let concerns about it fester.

“It was great you know?” whispered Sebastian.

“I really never felt anything like that before. It was incredible. _You're_ incredible.” He emphasised the last few words saying them very slowly, pushing his body even tighter into Mark and giving him another smile.

“You're not so bad yourself,” teased Mark, thinking how _incredible_ it felt to have Seb press against him like that; skin on skin, all the way up their bodies, nothing between them, not the tiniest bit of air.

Mark reached down his right hand across Seb's body as it sat against his side and stroked gently up and down his waist, just appreciating the feel of his soft skin and the warmth of him.

 

They lay there a little longer, forgetting about talking, leaning in their faces to press against one another's to feel the closeness, only occasionally straying into kissing and having to remember to pull apart to breathe.

Seb moved his leg to hook it over Mark's and they entwined themselves comfortably, Mark pulling Sebastian over slightly to rest partly over his chest and the kisses started to deepen and become more intense.

Mark's hand was stroking up and down Seb's arm as he lay his hand on Mark's chest, Seb's thumb carelessly rubbing against him between kisses.

Mark was just starting to think that he ought to say something before they stepped beyond this relaxed stage when Sebastian moved his foot up so it rested against the inside of his leg. Seb started to brush the arch of his foot up Mark's calf.

Mark laughed slightly. “Mate if you keep going in that direction, I'm not sure I can be held responsible for my reaction.”

Sebastian lifted his head and moved his arm to rest his chin on it so that he was looking up slightly at Mark.

“That would be okay.”

Seb flashed a little grin and then gazed up at Mark through his eyelashes.

“We could do it again couldn't we? I mean last night was so good.”

Mark closed his eyes for a second as Seb raised his leg a little higher, getting just the reaction he intended. He took a sharp intake of breath and looked at Sebastian's face. God he did terrible things to him. Terrible, wonderful things.

“You're sure?”

“Yes,” confirmed Sebastian, thinking he'd never been more sure of anything in his life.

Mark put both hands either side of Seb's body and pulled him up so they were level and kissed him hard before flipping them over so that he was on top of Sebastian.

 

Sebastian hit the pillow feeling slightly as if the air had been knocked out of him, but as Mark lay against him and started kissing him again he forgot all about breathing and started losing himself as Mark did just as he'd asked and began repeating what he'd done last night, kissing him on his jaw and neck, letting the duvet slip down to work his way to his chest, making Seb forget about everything but enjoying the sensation.

 

Mark was suddenly more glad than ever that they hadn't held back last night. He didn't have to worry now, he knew what Seb liked, what worked. He didn't care that he was doing most of the work, it was hardly a punishment, and if Seb needed him to take the lead for now that was fine. He knew Sebastian just needed to gain confidence, he'd loosen up the more he felt secure, Mark was certain of that. It didn't matter if it took a little time. They had all the time in the world.

 

Mark lifted his head from kissing Seb's stomach to look at him as he heard a gasp. Seb's head was thrown back and Mark was pretty sure that was good, but he ducked back up to be sure.

Mark kissed at Seb's neck and then lifted his head level to meet his eyes.

“We all good, yeah?”

“Yeah,” breathed Sebastian heavily.

“Still sure you want to carry on?”

“Absolutely,” insisted Seb.

 

Mark smiled. No hesitation there. Good. Now he just had to make sure things went smoothly. If he could just ensure Seb was really fully relaxed it ought to be a lot easier than last night.

He grinned to himself. He had an excellent idea.

 

Seb sat up slightly as Mark moved from kissing his chest and stomach to disappear below the duvet.

“Oh my god, Mark!”

Seb grabbed the duvet back and Mark pulled away and grinned at him mischievously.

“You want me to stop?”

“No. Bloody hell, yeah, no don't stop.”

“Good. I just thought it might help you to, you know, relax.”

Seb bit his lip. God he couldn't even remember the last time.

“So?” Mark quirked an eyebrow at him.

Sebastian didn't think he could form words, so he just nodded and let his head fall back against the pillow. Fucking hell. Mark was incredible.

 

 

Mark had been right, it was easier, it was so much better now that they could relax properly and not worry. Mark didn't have to worry about hurting Sebastian, he didn't have to worry if he really wanted it, he didn't have to worry if they were going too far when they'd already been there before.

Sebastian didn't have to worry that he might crack and let his past interfere with the pleasure of the moment. He didn't have to worry about what he wanted and what he needed when he knew he could trust Mark to listen to him and to take such good care of him, when he knew just how much every touch told him he loved him. There was no better feeling than this.

 

 

They lay chest pressed to chest, bodies heaving for air as they came down, their faces just resting foreheads together, oxygen shared, trying to feed back into dazed minds.

Sebastian unwrapped his legs from Mark, but didn't move beyond that. He didn't want the connection to end. Their hands were pressed down either side of the pillow, fingers laced together so tight it ought to hurt, but it didn't, it just felt as though they were closer together.

 

They stayed like this for as long as they could, eyes locked, breathing heavy, but not wanting to part, for all that it would make it easier if they weren't crushed together like this.

 

Eventually Mark spoke. “I think I'm gonna have to move.”

Seb pouted and Mark kissed it away and reluctantly moved, drawing an expected scrunched face from Sebastian at the loss of him.

“I know,” he soothed. “I know you don't like that.”

Mark shifted off Seb and lowered himself onto his back beside him. He puffed out a long breath, then turned on his side to face Sebastian.

He grinned. “You're going to wear me out.”

Sebastian smiled at him, still feeling a little hazy.

Mark reached over and stroked Seb's hair into place.

“You alright mate?” he asked softly.

Seb nodded. He thought he'd never been more alright.

 

Mark kissed him again and then spoke, “we should go clean up, hmm?”

“No.” Seb found his voice as his brain started to function again. He didn't want to leave this. “Can't we stay for a bit. Just five minutes?”

Mark wondered for a moment what time it was by now, but it wasn't as if they had any place to be. There could hardly be any place better than here right now. He leant over and rescued the duvet from where it had slid mostly off the bed and pulled it back over them as Sebastian curled back into him.

Just five minutes, maybe ten, thought Mark as Sebastian wrapped his arms right around him and breathed in against his chest. They really ought to go sort themselves out, but that could wait. He pulled him tighter and as Seb wrapped his leg back around his, Mark closed his eyes thinking how incredible this felt.

Fifteen minutes maybe.

 

 

Sebastian woke again with that strange feeling of perhaps having slept too much. He felt slightly dozy. Mark was still there. Of course he was. But he'd sat up slightly and Seb was resting against the lowest part of his chest as Mark was propped up on some pillows.

 

“Oh you're not dead then,” joked Mark. “I was starting to wonder.”

Seb sat himself up. “What time is it?”

Mark shrugged. “No idea. Pretty sure we skipped morning though. We may have skipped New Year's Day altogether.”

Sebastian's face slid into a grin. “Was I keeping you from something?”

“Yes. A shower and some breakfast, or whatever meal we're up to by now. I'm starving. Aren't you?”

Seb realised he was actually pretty hungry. “Yeah I guess.”

“Good,” said Mark decisively. “Come on then.”

He started to peel back the duvet, but Seb grabbed it.

“No, it's cold,” he whined.

Mark laughed and detached himself from Sebastian to climb out of bed. Seb pulled the duvet around him. It was so nice and warm, he didn't want to let go.

Unfortunately Mark had decided that wasn't an option and tugged the duvet from his grasp, leaving him uncovered.

“Oh. _Mark_ ,” Seb pouted. “You're so mean. I'm cold now.”

He curled up on the bed trying to hang on to the last vestiges of warmth that resided there.

Mark shook his head and went back over to him. “Come on. Shower. Now.”

 

He took a hold of Sebastian's hand and pulled him reluctantly from the bed and across the room.

It took Seb a moment to appreciate the fact that they were in fact walking into the bathroom completely naked. Mark was still holding his hand or he might have freaked out a little at the idea he had nowhere to hide. He couldn't quite bring himself to look in the mirror. It was all still too strange.

Mark let go of his hand and reached into the shower to switch it on.

“Soon warm up,” he stated, planting kiss on Seb's cheek.

Sebastian's tired brain finally clicked that he meant that they should shower together. For half a second he definitely did want to panic at this idea. It seemed oddly more intimate than anything else they had done. He wondered how Mark could be so relaxed, so confident about everything.

Mark saw the hesitation on Seb's face.

“If you'd rather not?” he started.

“No, it's fine. Good,” insisted Sebastian pushing down his insecurities. It was alright. He just needed to keep his worries shut off and remember that it was Mark and therefore everything was okay. Nothing could be scary if Mark was there.

“Yeah?”

Mark looked away a moment and put his hand under the stream of water to check it had warmed up.

“Yeah,” confirmed Seb, letting Mark take his hand and lead him into the shower.

 

He closed his eyes as the warm water rained down on him. It was such a nice sensation, waking his brain-cells up and soothing at the same time. Seb's eyes popped back open as Mark started softly kissing his neck again and letting his hands wander. Oh god, the way he made him feel.

Mark grinned as he saw how easy it was to reach Sebastian. He placed a kiss on his lips and pulled away.

He leant into Seb's ear and warned. “I'm an old man. You're going to kill me at this rate.”

Seb started laughing and kissed him back so hard Mark thought he might in fact very well kill him with that level of enthusiasm. He shook his head and grabbed up the bottle of shampoo and set about what they'd actually come in here for.

 

Sebastian took a moment to relax properly into the idea that Mark was washing his hair for him. He gave him such a gentle smile as he did it, Seb finally gave in and stopped thinking about how peculiar it was and how exposed he was and thought instead about how wonderful it was that Mark loved him this much. Seb watched as Mark swapped the shampoo for shower gel and started to wash him all over. Mark was so tender, so loving. How could this be threatening or alarming in any way? Every movement was so filled with love that Seb lost himself to it and when Mark was done he surprised himself by feeling slightly disappointed. He picked up the shampoo and suddenly didn't feel shy at all, he wanted to return the gesture. He wanted Mark to know that he loved him just as much in return. Seb smiled and got to work.

 

By the time he was done Sebastian thought he never wanted to take his hands off Mark. As the water washed away the suds, he slid his arms right around Mark's neck and pressed himself into him and Mark grinned, thinking what a good idea this had been. Seb needed quite a lot of warming up, but once he got going there was almost no stopping him.

Mark wrapped his arms around the curve of Seb's back and let them stand there for a few moments.

“Right, before we turn into prunes...” he kissed Seb on the cheek and pulled away to switch off the water.

Seb shivered at the sudden cold as they stepped out and Mark passed him a large towel, wrapping one around himself. It felt oddly prosaic to dry off and look for toothbrushes. Mark smiled to think that Seb's stuff was already here, it was almost as if they'd known.

 

Mark looked at his face in the mirror and turned to Seb who was just finishing off cleaning his teeth. He rubbed his hand along his jaw and turned to Sebastian.

“So what do you think?”

Seb spat out his toothpaste and rinsed his mouth, still feeling a little funny at how they were sharing a bathroom like this.

“Hmm?”

Mark picked up his shaver and waved it.

“Shave or not shave? I know you said you like it, but I'm not sure your skin does.”

Mark lightly put a his hand on Seb's jaw and moved it ever so slightly to examine it.

Seb caught sight of himself in the mirror. His skin _was_ rather aggravated in places.

He gave a little shrug. “Maybe?”

“Right,” agreed Mark and begin ridding himself of his stubble.

Once done he handed it over to Sebastian. No good one of them losing the stubble for the other to keep it.

 

Seb set down the shaver and looked back over at Mark who was leaning sideways against the sink regarding him.

“I don't look too bad do I?” checked Sebastian looking at his rubbed skin.

Mark smiled and shook his head.

Sebastian smiled back and then impulsively leant over and kissed Mark on the cheek.

Mark laughed. “Just testing?”

“Still good.”

Mark laughed some more. “Well that's a relief. Anyway, not like it won't grow back if we change our minds.”

 

They left to go dress, Seb feeling just a tiny bit let off the hook to go find his bag in his old room to change into clean clothes. He dumped down the jeans and underwear he'd picked up off Mark's floor and sat down on the bed a minute, shaking his head to think how different things were when he'd come in here the night before to casually dump his bag in here, expecting no more than a pleasant evening together. He pulled himself together and got dressed, feeling as though his skin was still more sensitive than it had been previously.

 

Mark looked up to see Sebastian standing in the doorway.

“All good mate?” he checked.

“Umm, yeah. I was wondering. Can I borrow a hoody or something?” requested Sebastian.

Mark thought how they both had hoodies that were abandoned somewhere downstairs, but he wasn't about to deny Seb anything he wanted today.

“Sure. Help yourself.”

Mark opened a drawer. He tugged out a couple and then offered one over.

“This do?”

Sebastian took it and pulled it on, partially doing it up. Mark reached over and pulled the zip further up. Couldn't have him getting cold, he thought, hoping Seb's towel-dried hair would dry itself soon in the warmth of the house.

 

Seb grinned, feeling a little giddy with it all. He loved the feeling of wearing Mark's clothes.

“Mark, can I tell you a secret?” he asked.

Mark furrowed his brow a moment, wondering what Seb was about to reveal.

“Sure,” he allowed.

Sebastian looked down for a second and then back up at Mark before confessing.

“I still have one of your hoodies that you lent me, back when I first stayed. I took it with me when I moved out. I sort of stole it, sorry.”

“You stole my hoody?” asked Mark, sounding amused.

Seb shrugged. “I just wanted to have it so I had a bit of you with me.”

He looked down again before admitting. “I used to wear it when I was lonely, or down, and it was like getting a hug from you.”

 

 _Oh._ Mark felt a pang at the idea of Seb missing him and wanting him all that time, god they'd been so damn stupid letting themselves suffer so long.

 

“Hugs available on tap now mate,” stated Mark firmly and pulled Seb in to give him one now.

He broke away and gave Seb a little kiss before sharing his own confession.

“I have to admit I like seeing you in my stuff. I did even back then.”

They smiled at one another feeling good to share what they'd been hiding for so long.

“You can borrow anything you like now, any time,” offered Mark.

 

Any time, thought Sebastian. He was going to be here all the time, he just knew it. Maybe Mark would let him leave some more of his clothes here? There were already a few things accumulated in 'his' room from the number of times he'd been here over the past year.

'His' room definitely wasn't his room any more, of that he was certain.

 

“Okay then. Food, before we keel over,” asserted Mark, and they headed down to the kitchen.

 

 

The dogs pounced on them the minute they opened the door.

“Oof, guys calm down,” chided Mark as he pushed them away slightly.

“Jeez, poor things, we've been neglecting you haven't we?”

He gave them a stroke as they made their way properly into the room.

“I'm afraid we were rather distracted.”

Both Mark and Sebastian found themselves grinning at that.

 

Seb looked at the kitchen table and tried to disassociate it from what had happened there last night or he knew he'd start feeling awkward and he didn't want to let that happen. He distracted himself by dipping down to give the dogs a stroke while they fussed over him.

Mark casually swept up the dumped items of clothing and put them in the washing machine and checked the coats and boots. Not too damp thankfully. He stuck them on the radiator to dry properly.

“Oh my god Mark,” piped up Sebastian, standing up from petting the dogs.

“It's twenty past one!”

Mark looked where Seb was looking; over at the digital display on the microwave.

He started laughing. “Whoops. Oh well. Guess this technically isn't breakfast any more.”

Seb shook his head. He didn't think he'd ever got up this late, even as a teenager.

“What do you want?” asked Mark.

Sebastian shrugged. “I don't care, whatever. Anything's fine. Coffee. I want coffee.”

“Righto.”

Mark stuck the kettle on and started digging around for food. He felt as though he could eat a horse.

 

Seb sat himself down at the table as Mark fussed around sorting out something for them to eat. The dogs were busily pressing themselves into his leg trying to get his attention after being ignored for so long. He sipped the coffee gratefully and sat back, thinking how normal this really was.

 

 

As they cleared away and did the washing up they found themselves deliberately standing too close, leaning into one another even as they did something so mundane.

 

“We should take these guys out before it actually gets dark,” suggested Mark.

“Sure.”

Seb liked the idea of doing what they usually did. The touch of routine was reassuringly familiar.

Mark checked that their things had sufficiently dried out and they moved to the hall to pull them on.

 

It had stopped snowing, but it looked pretty cold out.

Mark looked at Seb. “You got gloves or anything?”

“Umm, no,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. That wouldn't do. He delved under the stairs and found a spare pair and a scarf and passed them to Seb so he could wrap up. He pulled on his own and added his running beanie, looking at the back of the cupboard for a hat for Sebastian.

Mark emerged with a chunky RedBull woolly hat.

“Here we go,” Mark announced.

He put the hat on Sebastian and grinned to himself as he pulled it down past his nose.

“I think it's a bit big,” said Seb, not making any move to pull it up.

Mark smiled some more at how stupidly cute Seb looked and snuck a kiss.

“Nope. Looks perfect to me.”

 

Beneath the hat, Seb rolled his eyes. Somehow this didn't feel any different to how Mark usually treated him. He pulled the hat back up so he could see.

“Are we actually going out then?” pressed Sebastian.

“Yep,” agreed Mark and fetched the leads so they could take the dogs out for their overdue walk.

 

 

Stepping out of the front door they realised just how cold it really was out there. The snow was much harder now that it had frozen in place and the air had a sharp bite to it.

They took a lead each, just as they usually did, but as they walked down the drive towards the lane, their spare hands slid together, both of them wishing that it wasn't so cold necessitating them being separated by the gloves.

 

Further on off the lanes and along the paths, the snow was almost higher than their boots where no one else had ventured. They let the dogs off their leads and let them run about as they made their way up to the top of the hill.

As they reached the top they could see the whole of the countryside blanketed in snow. It looked as pretty as a picture, even though the sky was fairly dull and cloudy. Mark thought it looked likely that it might snow again later.

The bench was covered in a few inches of snow, but brushing it off they found it was fairly dry underneath and risked sitting down to take a moment while the dogs dashed about, delighting in burrowing their noses into the snow and surprising themselves when they trod on the wrong bit of ground and disappeared leg deep, making both Seb and Mark laugh at the expressions on their faces.

It felt good to get some fresh air and be out of the house for a bit. Although it was freezing and their breath caused great plumes of fog in front of them, neither Mark nor Sebastian felt cold.

They were sat up against one another but Mark thought they could be closer so he slung his arm around Seb's shoulder and pulled him tighter making Seb feel a little rush of happiness.

Seb slid his head into the crook of Mark's shoulder and breathed out feeling nicely settled and comfortable.

They didn't feel the need to do anything other than sit there like that for some time, the dogs thankfully entertaining themselves with the novelty of the snow.

 

Mark thought how great this all was. They could take their time and just enjoy being together, no need to rush. Sebastian felt so right leaning into him like that. Mark was struck again how well they fitted together. There was no way this wasn't meant to be.

 

Seb smiled and took a deep breath. He didn't think he was going to stop smiling. He didn't think he was going to want to let go of Mark at any point. He was glad that it was still the break and he didn't have any distractions to pull him away. The knowledge that not too far away work would intrude and he'd have to be apart from Mark stole into his head, but he pushed it away, that wasn't yet. It didn't count. Nothing was going to spoil this.

 

Mark gave Seb a little squeeze.

“You alright there? Not getting cold?”

Seb pulled up a little to answer. ”I'm fine.”

Mark smiled and they found themselves staring at one another before snapping out of it and leaning in to kiss one another again.

It gave Mark a buzz just to think how they could do this any time they wanted now.

“Your nose is cold,” commented Seb as they pulled apart for air.

“So is yours,” countered Mark, grinning as Seb rubbed his nose against his like an Eskimo. He really was adorable.

Mark returned the gesture, thinking how utterly ridiculous they would look if anyone could see them right now. Not that he cared.

 

The pair of them pulled away to see the two dogs sat in front of them, looking right at them.

Seb grinned and raised an eyebrow at Mark. “Oh dear. Have we shocked them?”

Mark gave him a mock serious look. “I think we may have to give them _the talk_.”

Seb giggled at the idea. “Do you think they're wondering what on earth we're doing?”

“Actually mate I suspect they're wondering what on earth took us so long,” reasoned Mark.

The dogs really were looking at them. Seb laughed again thinking how they must appear and buried his head in Mark's shoulder for a moment still smiling, feeling a little giddy and silly and not caring at all.

Mark squeezed Seb again and then spoke up.

“We'll freeze if we stay here too long. Come on, let's go home and get warm.”

 

The idea was certainly appealing, so they pulled apart and stood up to head back.

Re-attaching the dog's leads they went back to the path down from the top. They had automatically taken one another's hand, Mark thinking again it was a shame that they weren't touching properly. He stopped a moment as he had an idea.

Mark pulled his glove off and then took Seb's hand and removed his as well, earning a frown.

Without saying anything he took Sebastian's hand in his and placed the two together into his deep pocket. It forced them to walk carefully in step but it just about worked and Seb loved how it made them so close.

“Good?” double-checked Mark.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian, “although if I fall you're coming with me.”

“I think that's happening anyway mate,” Mark affirmed.

 

 

 

Back at the house they took off their outdoor clothes as they stood in the hall and Mark used the excuse to give Seb a hug and rubbed his arms to warm him up. As he did it he thought to himself how fantastic it was that he didn't really need an excuse any more.

They hung around in the kitchen for a while. Mark fetched an old towel to dry off the dogs and they made tea to warm themselves up. It all felt reassuringly normal to Seb, much the same as they would have done before. He could hardly get his head around the fact that 'before' was just yesterday; it seemed so much further away than that.

Yesterday they had just been friends, and now, well now Seb wasn't quite sure how to describe what they were, but they were together. Mark had said that they were 'everything' and that was what he wanted too, but it was hard to think what that really meant. Were they in an official 'relationship'? That seemed like a pretty scary term.

Sebastian tried not to think about it too much, but it was playing on his mind. He distracted himself by going over to wash out his mug at the sink and as he returned to where they'd been standing casually leant against one of the kitchen units, Seb suddenly had the urge to press himself into Mark to reassure himself and shut out his worries. Without warning he stopped in front of Mark, pushed his body into him and dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder.

“Whoa mate hang on,” reacted Mark.

Seb pulled back.

“Sorry. I just... Am I too clingy?” he worried.

Mark shook his head and huffed a little laugh. “No, it's just I nearly spilt my tea.”

He set down his mug on the unit and looked at Sebastian, frowning at the insecurity he detected.

“You're not too clingy Seb. Why would you think that?”

Sebastian shrugged. If he stopped to think about any of this he immediately worried that he was doing things wrong.

Mark pulled Seb back in and wrapped his arms around to rest on the small of his back. He looked seriously at Sebastian.

“Don't be worrying about things, alright?”

Seb nodded, but Mark knew him too well.

“You don't need to worry about anything Seb, okay. It's all good. There's nothing to worry about.”

Mark squeezed Seb in a little.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” agreed Sebastian, still sounding too quiet.

“Aren't you happy?” checked Mark.

Seb shot up to look at Mark properly. “Of course I am. I've never _been_ so happy.”

“Well then.”

Mark tipped his head a little to the side trying to read Sebastian.

“Come on, it's just me. You know you can tell me anything. What are you worrying about?” pushed Mark gently. He didn't want Sebastian to allow any anxieties to fester.

Seb shrugged. “I just...” he looked down, “I just... I'm not sure I really know what I'm doing, and I don't want to screw things up.”

Mark frowned thinking he should have anticipated this. He ducked his head down to get into Seb's line of vision.

“You're not going to screw things up. Okay? You can't do anything wrong. I promise you.”

He kissed Seb on the cheek to reassure him and gained Seb's attention again.

“Alright?”

Seb nodded and then admitted, “I just don't have a lot of experience of proper, you know, 'relationships'.” He felt he was taking a huge risk by saying the word out loud.

 

Mark wasn't surprised to hear him say that. Of course Seb didn't have much experience. What had gone on with Heikki didn't count as a relationship. Quite the opposite. No wonder he was so insecure.

“That is what this is isn't it?” rushed Seb, worrying that he'd said the wrong thing.

“Of course it is,” assured Mark softly.

He gave Seb a smile. “I don't want to freak you out or anything Seb, but I think this is pretty much a done deal. Don't you?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian couldn't imagine not being with Mark now, there was nothing short-term about this. He knew that much for all that he was anxious about how they got there.

“Good,” confirmed Mark. “So that bit doesn't freak you out?”

“No.”

Seb didn't quite know how to express himself.

“It's not that I'm freaked out. I know this is right, I just, I'm not sure that I know what I'm meant to do. If I'm doing it wrong, you'll tell me won't you?” he requested, thinking he wouldn't mind if Mark really did have to correct him, he knew he'd still be kind about it and it would be alright.

Mark shook his head again. “I told you. You can't do anything wrong. You won't. There is no 'wrong', okay.”

“Okay,” confirmed Sebastian, starting to feel a little firmer. Mark only ever said what he meant. He wouldn't lie just to make him feel better.

“And don't go getting hung up on words like 'relationship', okay Seb. It just makes it sound all serious when you know this is just _us_.”

Mark gave a little shrug and as Seb looked into his eyes he knew that being 'just us' was fine. There was nothing scary or unfamiliar about that.

Mark gave him a warm smile as he thought about what he'd just said.

“You know I think we've been 'us' for a pretty long time without realising.”

Seb smiled at that. “Yeah I guess you're right.”

“And that's all a relationship is Seb. It's just people choosing to be together. So if you think about it, we've actually been in a relationship for ages. We don't have to change that much, do we?”

Seb knew that was true. They already spent all the time they could together and had done for nearly a year now. A year was a long time. It wasn't as if they suddenly had to get to know one another, it was just a bit different that was all. It was better.

“I suppose not,” agreed Seb, starting to feel as though he'd let himself worry for nothing.

Mark continued, “So we just carry on as normal. Nothing much needs to really change, only...” he snuck a sly grin down at Seb, “the sleeping arrangements are slightly rearranged hopefully.”

Seb grinned back. “Yeah definitely.”

“Great. See? So we're all good. Oh and I may just want to do this occasionally, if that's alright?”

“Hmm?” started Seb, looking up in time for Mark to swoop in with a kiss.

“That's definitely okay too,” smiled Sebastian, feeling so much better and settled as he rested against Mark. It had barely registered that he'd been pressed into him for this whole conversation. It felt so natural. How could he be worrying about everything when that was true?

“Very glad to hear it,” smiled Mark, relieved that Sebastian was on board.

 

It struck Mark that with his usual weakness for over-thinking things it ought to be him who was worrying, but he didn't feel concerned about them being together at all. He'd meant what he'd said about him and Seb being a done deal. They were _done_. They were together. Mark didn't care what you called it, they were going to be together from now on. There was no way this wasn't permanent. That ought to be a slightly scary prospect; the idea of something so huge from the off, but the more he thought about it, the more he knew that this was just a development of something that had been going on for so long now that the only scary idea was that of him and Sebastian _not_ being together at any point in the future.

 

“The only other thing we need to change is that we do this too,” finished Mark.

Seb looked at him quizzically.

“We talk about things. _Properly_ ,” emphasised Mark. “How we're feeling, or whatever, okay. No hiding away.”

“I guess we did that long enough,” noted Sebastian.

Mark gave a little laugh. “Bloody hell, tell me about it.”

He squeezed Seb tight again and as he let go Sebastian took a nice deep breath and then let it out, thinking how it was all his concerns and silly worries that he was releasing. It was always better to talk to Mark. He always made him feel good about himself and assuaged all his fears. Seb determined that he would ensure he was still going to do that and not bottle things up in future. He smiled as he thought how he knew that their future was together. It felt fantastic to know that. He would always have Mark to make him feel good, to make him feel happy. He felt so happy right now.

Seb pushed himself up and slid his arms around Mark's neck to kiss him properly for a while, losing himself in that feeling where worries no longer existed.

 

Mark eventually pulled away and grinned at Seb.

“Seems to me you know _exactly_ what you're doing mate.”

Sebastian grinned back at him feeling wonderful at how things had changed. It was the perfect deal: He still got his best friend who teased him and made him laugh and made him feel better whenever he needed it, and now he got all this too. It was perfect.

 

They went to go sit in the lounge and pretended to pay attention to the TV whilst paying more attention to each other.

Mark sat there with Seb curled up on the sofa, his arm holding Seb against him as his head leant in to rest just below his shoulder. It felt so normal that Mark started to wonder how it was they hadn't been doing this all along.

As long as they just did what felt natural and right, as long as they did what they'd been wanting to, and as long as they talked and listened to one another, then surely there really was nothing for either one of them to worry about?

 

 

 

 

The next day they congratulated themselves on getting up early enough to eat a meal that could still be classified as breakfast. It felt good to know that they were simply doing what they ordinarily would. Sebastian hadn't even considered going back home. The idea of leaving Mark right now was unthinkable. Mark in turn had already started to wonder if he shouldn't ask Seb to move back in with him. Maybe it was too soon, but sitting there eating breakfast together felt so completely normal that Mark didn't like to think of a time coming when they might _not_ be doing that.

It seemed easy to continue in their usual habits around the place; eating together, walking the dogs together, hanging around the house being lazy and talking about nothing in particular. Just as Mark had promised, nothing much had really changed other than the fact that everything had changed. Everything they did now seemed to involve them not straying more than a few feet apart, and preferably not parting at all. Personal space had taken a walk and neither one of them wanted to be separated if at all possible, whether in bed or just curled up on the sofa, which seemed to be taking up an awful lot of their time.

 

Sebastian was so relieved that Mark was just as clingy as he was. It made him feel as though he wasn't weak and needy for wanting to feel him there all the time if Mark wanted it too.

 

He found himself endlessly thinking how lucky he was and how perfect Mark was and how wonderful he made him feel from morning to night. Mark encouraged him to let go of his worries and preconceptions of what he was supposed to do as part of a 'relationship' and just let things happen. It was such a relief. Even in bed he started to feel as though he couldn't go wrong with Mark making him feel bolder and more confident that everything he did was exactly right. And Mark was so thoughtful; he never did anything without making sure that Sebastian was okay, that he was happy and that he wanted things to happen. So much so that Seb started to wonder if he shouldn't reassure Mark properly to let him know that he didn't need to worry about him so much, that everything was fine and that Mark couldn't go wrong either.

 

Sitting around in the kitchen after lunch Seb plucked up the courage to speak to Mark about it.

 

“Mark, can I say something?” asked Sebastian.

“Hmm? Course. What is it?” encouraged Mark.

Seb took a breath. If Mark could do this, then so should he.

“I just wanted you to know that you don't need to worry. About me, you know?”

Mark furrowed his brow wondering what Sebastian was referring to.

“What do you mean worry about you?”

Seb felt awkward explaining, but he needed to be clear.

“I mean, you're so good about checking I'm always okay with everything.”

He saw Mark didn't understand what he was talking about so he clarified. “In bed.”

“Oh.” Mark's expression cleared. “I'm not worrying Seb. I just need to be sure that's all. I need us both to be alright.”

“But I am alright. I know I got a bit... I know at first...”

Seb looked down, struggling to admit how he'd found their first time sleeping together such an extreme experience.

“It was complicated.”

That was the best he could manage.

“But we're okay now aren't we?”

 

“Of course we're okay,” confirmed Mark, wondering what Sebastian was trying to say.

“Yeah. Good. So what I'm saying is you don't have to worry any more. I'm good. We're good.”

Seb paused, trying to find a way to express what he meant.

“I'm really okay with everything, so you don't need to keep making sure. You don't need to treat me like I'm going to break.”

 

Seb reached across and placed his hand on Mark's arm that rest on the table. He hoped that he had made himself clear.

Mark leaned in a little more across the table to look into Seb's eyes.

“I know you're not going to break Seb.”

“So we're okay now?”

“Of course we're okay,” confirmed Mark.

“So you don't need to keep checking.”

“Yeah Seb I do.”

Sebastian pulled up at that. He'd thought Mark understood what he'd been saying.

“No you don't. It's fine. I'm fine with whatever happens.”

Mark shook his head. “That's not how it works Seb.”

“No it is. I trust you.”

Sebastian couldn't understand why Mark wasn't agreeing with him. Wasn't this what he wanted to hear?

“That's good, but I ask because _I_ need to know. I don't ever want to do something you wouldn't want. I don't ever want to hurt you,” insisted Mark, hoping he was being clear that his checking was as much for his own as Seb's well-being.

Sebastian frowned at him. “I know you'd never hurt me.”

Mark sighed. “Not even by mistake. I'd never forgive myself, do you understand? If something happened and it hurt you or made you unhappy. I have to know that you're alright. I don't ever, _ever_ , want to let anything happen you didn't want.”

 

Seb pulled away his hand feeling uncomfortable at the suggestion.

“I know you wouldn't do that,” he insisted.

“Yes but _I_ need to know too Seb, don't you see?”

Mark couldn't think how to get through to him that he didn't want Sebastian to be a passive participant when they slept together, just letting Mark do whatever he wanted. The idea that Seb might feel pushed into doing something he didn't want ate at Mark. He never wanted to be that person.

 

Sebastian shook his head starting to feel both frustrated that he couldn't make Mark understand and a bubbling up of old emotions.

“You're not him,” let out Sebastian without realising what he was about to say.

Mark felt a stab of the buried fears they had both been suppressing. He put his hand on top of Seb's.

“I don't want there to ever be any confusion...” started Mark.

He was interrupted before he could continue.

“You're nothing like him.”

Seb felt something awful curl in his gut. It was what he had secretly feared when they'd slept together that first time; that Mark would be confused with Heikki in his head and he wouldn't be able to separate the two, that the experience would be tainted and he and Mark would never be able to be together without his past ruining it.

“You're not him,” Seb repeated, feeling more and more unsettled.

“Please Mark, don't even talk like that. I can't stand it. I don't want that. I don't want it to spoil everything.”

Mark tried to reach out to him, but Sebastian moved his chair back.

“Seb, it's okay. It won't. I know it's not like that, but I need to know.”

Sebastian felt something repressed burst out.

“No. Mark, you're not him. You're not. I know you're not, but if you keep on, if you keep having to ask all the time. I'm going to be thinking of it like that and I, I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to think of that with you. I don't want that. I just want us to be normal. I don't want all that to ruin everything.”

Seb took a shuddery breath. He was going to cry. He was going to get upset and Mark would see and his past was going to do just what he'd feared and wreck everything between them.

He abruptly got up and dashed away from the table and went to the back door, hauling it open to get some fresh air.

“Seb!” called Mark after him, but he got no response.

Mark rubbed his face in frustration. This was precisely what he was worried about for Seb; that what had happened to him in the past would get in the way of them being together. He thought he'd been doing everything he could to prevent it and now it seemed he was only upsetting Sebastian further.

He'd known this wasn't going to be easy. But did it have to be quite so fucking hard?

 

Mark got up and went over to Seb at the door. He put a hand on his shoulder, but Sebastian shook it off and didn't look at Mark as he spoke.

“I need a minute, okay?” requested Sebastian, sounding a little shaky.

“Okay,” ceded Mark, backing off. He felt terrible. When Seb was upset what he usually wanted was Mark. What were they supposed to do if it was Mark making him upset?

Mark wondered if he was the one messing this all up, or if it was inevitable given the traumas in Sebastian's history. Was this just what they had to get past if they were going to make it?

 

If Seb needed space he should give it to him. Mark considered going into the lounge for a bit, but he didn't want to go that far away. He went back to the kitchen table and looked over as Sebastian sat down putting his legs out on the kitchen doorstep, looking out into the snowy garden. Mark hated that he wasn't over there right now comforting Seb and finding the right words to make him feel better, but maybe they both needed a minute. He sat and thought for a bit, trying not to be distracted by worrying whether Seb was okay and if he wasn't getting too cold sat half outside over there.

 

Sebastian rested his head against the doorframe making himself calm down. He hated that he'd just pushed Mark away when he was the one he wanted to hold him and make him feel better. He hated that everything was so fucking complicated. He hated that he still fell apart so quickly without warning, even when he'd been thinking how perfect everything was. He hated that he might be the one who was spoiling things when Mark was trying so hard to do everything right.

 

Mark thought maybe long enough had passed and got up to put the kettle on, making two mugs of tea. He walked over to the corner and ducked down by Seb, slightly back from him. He put the mug on the floor and pushed it over.

“Peace offering?” tried Mark.

Seb half turned to look at him. “I'm not mad at you.”

He sighed. “I just wanted to calm down. I don't like that I get upset.”

“You're allowed to feel whatever you feel Seb. You don't have to hide it from me,” insisted Mark.

Seb gave a small nod.

“Do you want me to fuck off and leave you in peace or...”

Sebastian let out a huffed laugh at Mark's bluntness. “No. You don't have to fuck off. You can stay.”

Seb was relieved to see Mark smile at him. Mark wasn't put off by how stupidly mixed-up Seb was. Mark was incredible.

 

Mark nodded and set down his mug by Seb's. He knelt down behind Sebastian, wrapped his arms right around him and rested his chin down on Seb's shoulder. He felt Sebastian relax his weight back into him and sighed with relief. They were okay.

They sat like that for a minute or two before Mark kissed Sebastian's temple and moved to sit down next to him, passing Seb his cup of tea and picking up his own. They leant into one another in silence drinking their warm drinks, ignoring the cold they felt from sitting half out of the house.

“I'm sorry,” offered Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “You don't need to apologise.”

“I hate that everything has to be so bloody complicated.”

Mark gave a small laugh as a thought occurred to him.

“At least we're not boring. Ordinary people might have straight-forward lives. I don't think we're ever going to be like that.”

“Straight-forward?”

“Boring,” smiled Mark.

Seb smiled back. Boring didn't sound quite so terrible, but he knew what Mark meant.

“Maybe we will be one day,” suggested Sebastian.

“Boring? Hmm, maybe we will be one day, when we're old and grey.”

Seb didn't comment that Mark already had a few grey hairs. He was thinking instead how Mark was assuming that they'd still be together in the far distant future and how that seemed only right. He was assuming that they'd get through every bit of being complicated and be okay. Mark's certainty was contagious. Seb somehow knew it too.

 

Mark set down his drink and put his arm around Seb to give him a squeeze before letting go.

“So, can we talk again or..?”

“Yeah,” conceded Sebastian.

Mark nodded and made a start.

“It's alright that everything's a bit complicated for now mate, but you don't have a moratorium on complicated. I've got stuff of my own that I need to be okay with.”

Seb creased his brow wondering what could possibly be wrong for Mark.

“I need to know you're okay when we're together. Not just for your sake Seb, but for mine, alright?”

Seb nodded a little reluctantly, hoping they weren't going back to the same impasse from before.

“I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you, or did something you didn't want.”

“Mark...”

“Just let me finish, okay?”

Seb sighed. “Okay.”

“But I understand what you were saying before. I do get it. I get why you don't want it to be an issue, I get why you don't want to make it a big thing. Neither do I. So how's this? Trust works both ways Seb. You trust me don't you?”

“Completely,” replied Sebastian firmly.

“Good. Thank you. That means a huge amount. But I need to trust you too.”

Seb looked at him askance. “What?”

“I need to trust that you will _say_ if anything is wrong, if you're not happy, if something isn't right. I have to _know_ that you will. If I'm going to be able to not have to ask permission all the time and make you feel uncomfortable, then I need you to promise that you will do that. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark looked carefully at Seb.

“I promise I will,” asserted Seb, seeing what he wanted. “I promise that you can trust me too.”

“And that you will tell me _no_ if you ever don't want to, whatever it is, okay, sleeping together, being together in any way, for whatever reason; because you don't feel like it, because you're tired, because I'm being an annoying shit and you're not in the mood,” Mark allowed himself a little smile, “whatever the reason, if there's no reason...”

“I promise, okay. You can trust me too. If you're being an annoying shit I promise to tell you.”

Mark laughed. “I never thought I'd be so happy to hear you say that.”

Seb shrugged, more relaxed now they could talk about serious things without being so serious.

“You don't have to treat me like such a china doll either, alright Mark. I won't break,” asserted Sebastian softly.

“Okay fair enough. I'm still gonna want to check that you like stuff, alright?”

Seb nodded.

“So we're good then,” surmised Mark.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “I think the only problem is I can't ever imagine not wanting to sleep with you, or not liking what you were doing.”

He shot Mark a grin which Mark couldn't help but match.

“Well as problems go I can think of worse ones,” allowed Mark.

 

Sebastian passed Mark his cold half-drunk tea and they pulled themselves up to go into the lounge to get warm and comfortable and forget all about complications.

 

 

 

 

  
Later that night Sebastian lay back on the bed waiting for Mark to join him from being in the bathroom. He was determined that he was going to repay Mark for everything he was doing to be so considerate and loving and generally damn perfect. He was going to completely shut down his insecurities about knowing whether what he was doing was right and just trust in what Mark said about how he couldn't do anything wrong. He was going to show him that he loved him just as much as Mark loved him. No complications allowed tonight. None.

 

Mark walked into the bedroom and stopped in the doorway looking over at Seb who was stretched out on the bed completely naked. He grinned and shook his head.

“Hello.”

Seb pushed himself up a little on his elbows and smiled at him, raising an eyebrow.

“Hi.”

Mark walked over and sat on the edge of the bed by him and laughed a little as he stroked a finger down Sebastian's chest whilst looking him in the eyes.

“I thought you wouldn't need to ask permission if you already had an invitation,” explained Sebastian, still smiling at Mark.

“Mmm, yes.”

Mark was allowing himself to get distracted by the very nice feeling of Sebastian's chest.

“So?” pushed Seb.

Mark trailed his hand a little lower and followed it with his eyes to look at Sebastian.

“Mmm, yes it's a very nice invitation,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian waited for Mark to return to looking at him before raising his eyebrows encouragingly.

“ _Such_ a nice invitation,” repeated Mark. “Rude not to really.”

Mark grinned and pulled his t-shirt over his head, thinking how making progress wasn't such a bad thing to work at.

 

 

 

 

The next morning Sebastian woke feeling Mark lying behind him, his arm slung across his waist, his head resting against the back of his head, his breath tickling the hairs at the nape of his neck. He swivelled around to face him and was surprised to see that Mark was wide awake.

“Hey,” he greeted Mark in a sleepy voice.

“Hey,” returned Mark, sounding equally half-asleep. “Didn't want to wake you. Good sleep?”

“The best,” smiled Seb lazily.

Mark moved his arm to pull Sebastian in a little tighter in their changed position and Seb thought how great it was that this didn't feel strange anymore.

Sebastian settled his head on the pillow up close to Mark's face so he could look at him in the low light of the curtained room. Mark's eyes were so lovely, he thought, sometimes they looked hazel and sometimes they looked green depending on how they caught the light, but they always looked warm and kind and when he looked at him like this he felt so incredible, as though Mark was looking right into him and accepting him for all his messiness and all his flaws. It was the best feeling in the world.

 

Mark ran his hand lightly up and down Seb's side as they lay there.

“So last night was pretty great,” started Mark.

Mark wanted to tell Seb how well he'd done and how he thought that enthusiasm out-weighed experience every time in his book, but that seemed patronising, so he left it there.

“Mmm, good,” agreed Sebastian, still feeling nicely dozy and half-asleep.

Seb pushed his face up against Mark's just to feel it, not even to kiss him. He felt Mark smile and pulled away a little, smiling too, glad that he didn't have to feel stupid for letting himself do whatever he wanted to in the moment.

Mark's hand was still moving against him and it felt nice, but Sebastian didn't want anything more than this nice feeling of closeness and not having to think at all, just being relaxed and comfortable together.

“Can we just stay like this?” asked Seb.

Mark frowned a little wondering what Sebastian was saying before clicking.

“Yes, of course,” he smiled and gave Seb a soft kiss.

“We can stay like this all day as far as I'm concerned. All week. All year.”

 

Mark grinned and tickled Seb's ribs, gaining an adorable giggle in return from Sebastian.

They shifted so Seb could rest on Mark's shoulder and settle into a nice comfortable position; Mark with his arms around him and Sebastian placing his hand on Mark's chest, just lazily moving it occasionally.

It felt so good to be able to be like that without any pressure or expectation. Seb thought he wasn't really testing Mark by asking for it to remain at that stage, it just felt natural and pleasant. He knew that it might be true that he was letting a tiny bit of relief soak into his subconscious that they could be this way too, but that was okay, it was nice to think that they weren't having to spell things out quite so overtly to get what they wanted and needed now.

 

Sebastian was so cosy and at ease, that without meaning to he fell back asleep where he lay. Mark watched him drift off and smiled to himself thinking how he really did mean what he'd said about how he'd be happy for them to stay just like that forever. It felt great to see how much more relaxed Seb was now, it felt as though they really were getting somewhere. Last night really had been great and Mark was both pleased and a little relieved that Seb was shedding some of his inhibitions, but this was fantastic too in it's own way.

It felt as though they were safe in their own little space like this. Mark didn't want to think about the fact that before long the outside world would intrude again and Seb would be back at work when the break finished next week. He didn't want to think about how he would be starting preparations with his own team and that the two of them would have to be separated when their seasons began to ramp up. He didn't want to think about any of that right now. Right now there was just this and they ought to make the most of it.

 

 

 

 

Later in the day they were sat on the sofa continuing to make the most of each other, sat snuggled up from the cold that had crept in while they walked the dogs in the snow. Mark had finally got around to lighting the fire and it felt so nice just to be able to chill out with the dogs lazing about on the floor beneath them.

Seb pulled up.

“I'm thirsty. Do you want a cup of tea?”

“Hmm? Yeah. Sure.”

Seb got up to make it and Mark followed him in to the kitchen smiling and shaking his head a little to think how incapable he was of letting Sebastian get too far away from him at any point.

They settled themselves back down and drank their tea while the news played on the television letting the real world remind them it was still there.

Afterwards there was a repeat of a comedy show that had been on over Christmas. Mark started to wonder if Seb wasn't a little quiet. He usually loved this kind of British humour.

 

“You okay?” Mark checked.

“Hmm. Yeah,” answered Sebastian quietly.

Seb took a deep breath and let it out before standing up. Mark wondered if something was wrong, or if he was imagining things and Sebastian just wanted to clear away their mugs. He frowned as Sebastian reached down to take his hand and pulled him up to lead Mark from the room.

Mark was about to ask what was going on, but Seb seemed strange and it was as if there was suddenly an odd atmosphere. Mark wasn't sure what to say as Seb lead him into the hall and then opened the front door.

 

Sebastian stepped out onto the front doorstep and turned around to face Mark.

“It was a year ago,” explained Seb, his face heavy with emotion.

Mark sighed feeling awful that he hadn't realised. Of course.

He stepped out of the house to join Sebastian on the wide front step feeling the same flood of emotion that had hit Seb when he'd noticed what the date was.

Mark gave Seb a little smile and then pulled him into his arms, holding him tightly as Seb pressed his face down into Mark's chest.

Sebastian slid his arms around Mark's waist and left them there, standing pressed into him listening to Mark's heart beating until the shakiness he felt ebbed away. He eventually pulled away to look at Mark, fighting hard to keep from tearing up.

“It isn't why,” asserted Seb, without further clarification.

“I know,” confirmed Mark softly. “I know. Me neither.”

Mark leant in and kissed Seb firmly to emphasise his point, then took his hand to lead him back into the house.

 

As they sat on the sofa Sebastian curled his feet up and leaned his head into Mark's shoulder for another moment before sitting back up. Mark's arm stayed firmly around him.

“Is it strange to think of it as an anniversary?” asked Seb.

Mark shook his head. “I don't think so.”

“I know that it's not the first point things changed with us, but...”

“This one is better,” insisted Mark. “I prefer this one. This one you stayed.”

Mark felt almost like crying himself. He didn't want to say 'this was the time you didn't go back to him,' it seemed too brutal to put it like that and he didn't want the ghost of Heikki to join them in the room. He leant over and kissed Seb on the forehead before taking the cushion from his side of the sofa and putting it behind him and pulling Seb down to lie with him there.

Seb let out a long sigh and settled to lie curled into Mark's chest. They didn't need to talk. They both understood and it was fine, but he needed this right now. He needed to feel Mark and know he was safe and that everything was going to be okay from now on.

Mark felt the tension seep from Sebastian as he relaxed into him. He didn't say anything, he just squeezed him a little tighter and pressed a kiss into the top of his head to remind Seb how much he loved him and how far they'd come.

 

They stayed like that for a while as the light faded outside and the snow started to fall again. Mark looked out of the window and smiled thinking about how the weather had helped them out to bridge the divide that had once kept them apart. He felt Seb shift a little and huffed out a tiny laugh as Sebastian snuck his hand up under his t-shirt to lie it properly on his chest.

“Better?” Mark asked, tipping his head slightly so that he could see Sebastian.

“Yeah,” replied Seb feeling grateful that they didn't have to talk too much. Just feeling this was enough.

“Good stuff,” smiled Mark and left things there. Seb would talk if he wanted to. If he didn't that was fine.

 

They were so comfortable like that, Seb hardly moving as it finally got dark, that Mark wondered if he'd fallen asleep.

“Seb, you awake?” he queried softly.

“No,” fibbed Sebastian, thinking how he never wanted to move.

Mark laughed and Seb ended up laughing too as he felt Mark's chest move.

“Right, shift up. I need to draw the curtains,” asserted Mark.

 

He got up and sorted things out with the room, closing the night out and putting on the table lamps while Seb dragged himself from the couch to chuck another log on the fire and sit back down again stroking the dogs who seemed just as contented with things as they were.

 

Mark sat back down and retrieved the remote control to see what was on the television they had been ignoring. He flicked about then looked on the guide to see what was on.

“Aha,” Mark smiled over at Sebastian, thinking he'd found just the thing.

“You seen it before?” Mark asked.

Sebastian was sat still petting the dogs thinking he didn't care what Mark put on.

“Oh, no. Whatever's fine.”

“You like _The Muppets_ , right?” checked Mark.

“Hmm? I've never seen them.”

“What?” Mark looked at him in astonishment.

“I mean I know what they are...”

“How can you have not watched _The Muppets_? They were an integral part of my childhood. I thought for everyone.”

Seb laughed and gave him a cheeky grin.

“Think they're from before my time.”

Mark shook his head and pretended to look very sad with Sebastian.

“Terrible, _terrible_. You've been missing out. We have to put that right.”

 

He switched onto the channel just showing the start of 'The Muppets' film.

“You'll like it. Trust me.”

Seb smiled and leant back over to him, planting a kiss on his cheek.

“I do. Always.”

They rearranged themselves to curl up together and watch the film.

 

Mark smiled happily to see Seb lose himself in the silliness of it and laughed along with him, not caring in the slightest that this was a kids' film. He'd known immediately that Sebastian would love it. It was just his thing; funny and gentle and kind-hearted. It felt great to know that he knew Seb so well, that he'd understood that this was just what he needed to lift his spirits and forget about anything serious. It felt wonderful just to be together like this.

Sebastian wasn't thinking anything at all. He wasn't thinking about his past, or the desperate distress he had been in a year ago when he had pitched up here on Mark's doorstep, taking a such a huge risk, but knowing somehow that Mark wouldn't let him down. He wasn't thinking about the future and what all this meant, or the fact that in just a few days he would be back at the factory and they would have to be apart.

For now the outside world could wait. Concerns and worries and reality could wait. They had this. They had now. They had each other.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much fluff, but ya know I had to give them this, right?
> 
>  
> 
> n.b. Never trust anyone who really doesn't like the Muppets.


	31. Communication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was listening to this in my car & this song seemed to fit (Fleetwood Mac - highly appropriate F1 link in my head)

 

<http://youtu.be/jbsaj0XHUeg>

 

* * *

 

 

They were stood on Seb's doorstep having spent the night there with the idea that it might be a little easier for Sebastian to persuade himself to leave to go back to work from his place than Mark's. As it turned out of course it was no easier, as setting off for Milton Keynes for the first team meetings of the year still involved parting from Mark, and Seb was procrastinating.

 

“Urgh, I just want to stay,” whined Sebastian.

He was stood facing back to Mark who was leaning up against the doorframe, smiling at Seb's reluctance to force himself to go.

“Fine by me,” Mark offered.

“Hmm.”

Mark grinned. “I could always call in for you?”

“Nice idea,” chimed Sebastian, still doing nothing to progress more than a foot away from Mark.

Mark mimed holding a phone.

“Hi, yeah Seb can't come in today, he's too busy shagging his boyfriend.”

Seb's eyes popped open and he pulled an unhappy face. “ _Mark._ Don't say that. It's not like that.”

He pouted looking offended at the language and Mark shook his head as he realised Seb was quite up to being teased about that subject yet.

“I know. I'm only kidding.”

Mark thought their activities only a few hours earlier might prove evidence to the contrary, but they both knew that what they did meant much more than that.

“Hmm.”

Seb wasn't entirely letting him get away with that, but he knew he was incapable of withstanding Mark when gave him that teasing look in his eyes.

Sebastian gave Mark a disapproving look then relented and was about to attempt a countering joke when his brain caught up.

“Boyfriend?”

Mark shrugged. “Wrong?”

A smile crept over Seb's face. “No. That's, yeah...”

Mark put his hands on Sebastian's waist and pulled him in.

“Good. You like that?”

“Yeah. That's nice.”

Seb looked down a little coyly. He really hadn't thought about what they called themselves. It felt nice to be something official.

Mark smiled to see how pleased Seb was to hear him say the word 'boyfriend'. Sometimes it was still sweet to see how shy Seb was about such things.

“Great.” affirmed Mark, pulling Seb in to give him what was probably now their third or forth goodbye kiss.

“Now go to work. You're going to be late,” instructed Mark, letting go of Sebastian.

 

Seb took one step away and then turned back again.

“Oh my god if they knew!”

“The team?”

“Yeah. Ha, bloody hell. Can you imagine?” laughed Sebastian, sounding highly amused at the notion.

“I imagine it would come as something of a surprise,” suggested Mark.

“Yeah. I'll say.” Seb grinned. “Maybe if the meetings are really boring I'll just casually mention it during the coffee break, see what happens?”

“They'd probably choke on their Hobnobs mate. Sad way to go.”

The pair of them were laughing now.

 

Seb abruptly stopped and looked at his watch.

“Oh damn. I really am late now. Gotta go. See you later?”

“Yeah, I'll be home. Might stick around and have a swim first if that's alright?”

“Course. Ahh, _so_ unfair. Urgh!”

Sebastian pulled a face at the inequity of life that required him to go sit in deadly dull interminable pre-season meetings in Milton Keynes when Mark got to relax in his pool.

“Won't be the same without you,” insisted Mark sincerely.

“Come on,” he continued, seeing Sebastian still making no effort to actually leave. “You'd better go. I'm not going to be held responsible for disrupting the whole team getting started for the year.”

“Okay okay, I'm going,” relented Sebastian. “I don't know what time I'll be over.”

“Whenever's fine. See you later. Say hi to all the guys for me.”

Mark tweaked an eyebrow up at their little joke about the surprise they could give the team if they chose to.

Seb shook his head smiling at the idea, then quickly kissed Mark one more time before dragging himself away.

“Don't drive too fast,” called Mark as Seb went to get in his car, immediately worrying that Sebastian would be taking risks to make up time in dangerous conditions when he was at least partly to blame for delaying him.

Sebastian turned back, raising his eyebrows at the irony of Mark saying that to him and Mark shook his head in return. Talk about wasting your breath.

 

Mark waved goodbye as Sebastian pulled away, smiling as he thought about how reluctant Seb had been to leave. Not that he didn't feel the same way. He'd meant it when he had said that it wouldn't be the same without Seb there, he was going to have to find distractions to get through the day until he came back from the factory.

He turned back into the house and let out the dogs they had shut in the kitchen to prevent them from attempting to accompany Sebastian all the way to Milton Keynes.

Before going to change for a swim, Mark checked his phone. It occurred to him that he hadn't communicated with his sister since before New Year. Mark grinned to himself thinking he should wait a few hours before making what was bound to be a very distracting and possibly highly amusing phone call.

 

 

Sebastian turned the radio up and put his window down to feel the air rushing by in defiance of the cold weather. It hadn't snowed for a while, but it was still freezing. Thankfully now most people were back at work the roads were properly salted and well used. Seb looked at the clock on the dash and wondered if he could make the half hour journey in twenty minutes. He didn't actually want to be late, but then if he was going to be, then he couldn't think of a better reason than stealing a few more minutes with Mark. He thought how funny it would be to casually stroll in and tell a room full of RedBull team members that Mark said hi, just to see what their reaction was.

Mark: His _boyfriend_.

Seb had to force himself to concentrate on the road, but he was beaming from ear to ear.

 

 

Mark arrived home a little after eleven and took the dogs out to let them stretch their legs. As they got to the top of the hill, Mark looked at the bench where he and Sebastian usually sat. He suddenly felt more alone than he had since Seb had left that morning. It really wasn't the same without him there. Mark shook his head at how ridiculous he was being over them being separated for a couple of hours. Quite how they were going to manage when they had to be apart when their racing seasons started didn't bare thinking about.

He huffed out a breath and set off at a brisk pace back down to the house thinking he needed that distraction he had thought of earlier.

 

 

Mark took his coffee through to the lounge and picked up his phone. He grinned thinking he might as well amuse himself by having a little fun.

 

MARK: Hey. Sorry for the delay. Hope you guys had a good New Year?

 

There was slight pause before he got a return text from his sister.

  
LEANNE: Good thanks. You?

MARK: Excellent thank you. Actually pretty mega.

LEANNE: Sounds good. We'll have to have a catch up soon.

 

Mark sipped his coffee and chuckled before sending the next incendiary little message.

 

MARK: Yep. Let me know when yr free. Oh BTW Seb & I finally worked it out ;)

 

Thirty seconds later his phone burst into life.

“Mark!” His sister shrieked so loud Mark had to pull the phone away from his ear.

“I'll call you back,” laughed Mark, going to hang up.

“Wait, no Mark you've got to tell...”

Leanne was cut off in her prime and left silently cursing at the phone as she waited for her brother to ring back.

Mark laughed so hard it took him a moment to pull himself together to press redial to put his sister out of her misery.

“Hey,” greeted Mark cheerily.

“Oh. My. God! Mark, tell me everything!” shouted Leanne loud enough that Mark thought the phones might be unnecessary and he might be able to hear his sister yelling from 10,000 miles away.

“Shush, Leanne you'll wake the kids,” teased Mark.

“Don't give me that. Tell me what happened,” pressed his sister at a more measured volume.

Mark grinned wondering what he could tell her.

“Well. Like I say, we worked it out.”

“Worked out...”

“That we're not just friends.”

Leanne gasped happily down the line.

“Ha ha! I _knew_ it,” insisted Leanne.

Mark scoffed. “Well that's not what you said before Christmas.”

“Well I always had a good feeling.”

“Hmm.” Mark sounded suspicious.

“Anyway. You've got to tell me. What happened? Did you finally find the right moment then?”

 

Mark shook his head. “Actually it was Seb. He's far braver than me.”

“Wow. What did he say?”

“Umm he didn't so much _say_...”

“Huh?”

“He, umm, well he kissed me.”

Mark found himself laughing once more as his sister exploded again.

“Yeah I think you've woken the neighbours' kids now too, sis.”

“He just kissed you? Oh my god! How did this happen?”

“Well it was New Year...”

“He kissed you for New Year?”

“Sort of. No. Not really. It was before then, before midnight anyway and it wasn't about that,” explained Mark.

“Well that's a relief.”

“You're telling me,” laughed Mark.

“So..?”

“So?”

“Mark, come on. You've got to give me a bit more than that. Tell me how it happened,” insisted Leanne.

 

Mark paused wondering what he could say.

“He was over for New Year and it started snowing so we went out and I dunno we were just mucking about a bit as usual and then we weren't, and yeah I guess we had that moment you were talking on about...”

“And he kissed you?”

“Yeah.”

“He didn't even say anything?”

“Nope.”

“And you hadn't said anything?”

“Nope.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Told you he was far braver than me,” reminded Mark.

“Bloody hell,” exclaimed Leanne.

“I think maybe we did both realise by that point, but I just couldn't seem to get over myself, so it's a bloody good job he did,” Mark admitted.

“So what did you do?”

“I kissed him back,” confessed Mark, gaining another squeal in reply.

He shook his head. “God I can't believe I'm telling you this!”

“So have you actually talked?” asked his sister.

“Yeah. Plenty.”

“And you're good? You feel the same way about each other?”

“Yep. We're all good. I mean we're still complicated. He's still... Yeah.” Mark paused. “There's still a lot of stuff... Leanne you won't ever say anything will you?”

Leanne frowned. “What do you mean?”

“To him. To Seb. You won't ever tell him I spoke to you about him, about stuff to do with him?”

 

Mark was suddenly anxious that he had let on more than he should about Sebastian having issues to his sister.

“Mark you never told me anything.”

“ _Leanne_.”

She sighed. “It's fine Mark, you've nothing to worry about, okay? I'm not going to say anything to Seb, or to anyone, alright?”

“Okay. Thanks. It's really important to me. _He's_ really important to me,” emphasised Mark.

 

Leanne wondered at the change of tone. Moments ago her brother had sounded almost giddy with happiness but now he was suddenly so serious. She wondered if she'd ever find out what all that was about. Either way Mark clearly had it bad.

“Yeah I can tell,” acknowledged Leanne. “So. Have you seen him since?”

Mark's mood lifted again thinking about how he'd done nothing _but_ see Sebastian since New Year.

He huffed a little laugh. “Umm, yeah you could say that.”

“Huh?”

“Erm well, that's pretty much all we have done.”

There was an uncomprehending silence on the other end so Mark spelt it out.

“See each other that is. He's kind of been staying at mine.”

“Since New Year?” gasped Leanne.

Mark laughed, feeling his cheeks pink slightly with embarrassment as he couldn't quite believe he was telling his sister this much.

“Umm, yeah. Well we stayed at his last night as he had to go back to work this morning...”

“Mark!” Leanne sounded both thrilled and a tiny bit stunned.

“Wow. Bloody hell, you two don't waste any time do you?” she noted.

 

Mark shrugged despite the fact he knew his sister couldn't see it. Maybe it was a bad habit he'd picked up from Seb.

“We've wasted enough time.”

“Crikey,” exclaimed Leanne, before changing her tone to sound more sober.

“This is really serious isn't it?”

“Yeah it is,” confirmed Mark. “It's kindof _everything_ actually.”

 

Leanne shook her head. She had never heard her brother talk like this before.

“I think maybe it was meant to be,” continued Mark.

His sister coughed a laugh. “I didn't think I'd ever hear you say that.”

“What? That I could be really serious about someone?” countered Mark.

“No. That something was 'meant to be'. Honestly Mark, you and your 'all that fate stuff is bullshit'.”

“Yeah well, maybe I was wrong. I think I've been wrong about a lot of things,” conceded Mark.

“I seem to remember at one point you thought you didn't even like Seb,” recalled Leanne.

“That was a long time ago. I didn't know him then. Anyway, yeah like I say; I've been wrong about a lot of things.”

“Okay. Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” teased Leanne.

“Oh shut up,” cracked Mark, hearing his sister laugh down the line.

“Ah, no, seriously Mark that's great. I'm so happy for you. You're happy aren't you?”

“Yeah. I've never been so happy. I know it must sound crazy that we've sort of jumped in feet first and everything, but this has been going on for a while really so...”

“You don't have to explain yourself Mark. I'm just glad you worked things out,” assured Leanne.

“Yeah, well we've still got a lot to sort out, but yeah, it's good. We're good.”

 

Leanne sat on the other side of the world, wishing yet again that her brother lived closer to home.

“I wish you were here so I could give you a hug.”

“Thanks. Really Leanne. I was going slightly crazy there before, and you helped me out massively.”

“Glad I could. So then, you're coming over in March aren't you?” checked Leanne.

“Yeah you'll have to save up that hug,” suggested Mark.

“And will Seb be coming with you?” tested Leanne.

“Well he'll be there for the race anyway,” avoided Mark.

“Yes but will he be coming with you?” pushed Leanne.

“We haven't talked about that yet. I don't know. Maybe. Probably. I'm not sure. I think so though,” prevaricated Mark.

 

Leanne held back the laugh at hearing her brother suddenly flustered. It was sweet. She was certain that in a couple of months she would in fact be meeting the pair of them.

“Listen to you,” teased his sister. “Ah young love!”

Mark rolled his eyes. “Give over.”

“Actually how old is Seb?” checked Leanne.

“Umm,” Mark had to think for a moment. “Twenty-seven.”

“Cradle-snatcher!”

“Oh shut up. He's not _that_ young.”

Mark did sometimes think of Seb as being a kid, but he really wasn't any more.

“No, I suppose not,” allowed Leanne. “Well anyway, good for you Mark. And good for him finally doing something to get you guys going.”

Mark huffed another laugh, thinking how hopeless he'd been.

“Yeah thanks.”

“Mum and Dad will be pleased. You know they thought there was something going on with you two?” revealed Leanne.

“What? Really? Huh. Okay.”

 

Mark was thrown by that, wondering _when_ they'd thought that. Surely not all the way back last year?

“Oh shit. Leanne don't say anything to them will you? I need to speak to them, but I might want to wait a bit yet. Just to let things settle down. Maybe see if we are going to be coming out to you guys together.”

Mark wanted to be sure before that topic came up.

“Oh, okay. Sure.”

“And you won't go telling anyone else?” checked Mark.

“Mark. As if I would.”

“Even Dean?”

“Oh come on Mark. I can't tell my husband? He's going to wonder what I've been getting so excited about.”

Mark sighed. “Fine. But no one else. And make sure he won't tell anyone. And no telling the kids.”

Leanne laughed. “Yeah funnily enough Mark they're really not that interested in their uncle's love life.”

“Well good. Cos they've got big mouths and I could do without any more complications in my life right now.”

“Very nice.”

“No, I love them to bits Leanne, but they couldn't keep a secret to save their lives,” justified Mark.

“Yeah, alright. That's probably true,” allowed his sister.

 

“Okay, well I'd better go,” finished Mark before stopping again. “Oh how was your New Year?”

“Stunningly dull by comparison,” laughed Leanne. “We just stayed in and watched TV.”

Mark started laughing. “Yeah, that was our plan too. Funny how things turn out.”

“Isn't it though?” agreed Leanne, still smiling to herself.

“Well I'll let you go then. Tell Seb I look forward to meeting him properly in a couple of months.”

“Righto. Yeah. Hi to Dean and the kids. And thanks again for the support. I do appreciate it.”

“Course. No problem. Speak soon, I'm looking forward to lots of updates please.”

Mark shook his head, he definitely wasn't giving away _too_ many details, there was only so much you could tell your sister.

“Bye then.”

“Bye.”

They hung up.

 

Only as Mark put his phone down on the coffee table did his brain rewind a couple of steps. What had he just agreed to about Seb meeting his sister? Maybe his subconscious was more sure of things than he realised.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat at the large conference table in one of big meeting rooms at the factory. All the key RedBull personnel were gathered for their official start to the year and they were currently listening to one of Renault's engineers explaining their developments for 2015.

Seb was sat next to Rocky having automatically gravitated towards him despite the knowledge that he was no longer his race engineer. He was looking up at the data being flashed up on the big screen and trying his hardest to concentrate on work, but it was very difficult when his mind kept straying to Mark and everything that had happened over the past week.

Seb knew he kept grinning for no apparent reason, he couldn't help it. He fought his face into a serious expression and attempted to soak in the details he would need to know for his upcoming season.

 

He had just about managed to make the meeting in time despite his delay. Twenty-two minutes wasn't bad going from his house. Thankfully he'd missed rush hour and all those earlier cars had helpfully cleared the roads up for him to get a decent speed on. Seb knew the route like the back of his hand so he hardly had to think about which way he was going and instead he could concentrate on keeping an eye out for any other road users, particularly patrolling police cars, setting a good pace and even enjoy taking all the those chicanes (roundabouts, _roundabouts,_ he'd had to remind himself) at a pretty good clip.

He'd laughed to himself as he screeched to a halt in the car-park at the factory. If you couldn't make good use of your skills as a racing driver and have a little fun once in a while, what was the point?

Sebastian had shot past the receptionist and just shouted; “Room?” as he went past, getting instructions from the girl telling him where he needed to go. He'd have to make sure he apologised to her for being rude when they were done. As he'd slowed himself down to walk in to the meeting, trying to look cool, Seb was relieved to find everyone still getting themselves coffee and just starting to settle down ready to start proceedings.

“Sorry I'm late,” apologised Seb to his boss.

“No problem Sebi, you're not really. We're just about to get started now. Roads bad around you?” asked Christian.

“Oh, umm, yeah,” dissembled Sebastian, quickly grabbing himself a black coffee and looking for a seat.

Christian nodded, not wishing to make Sebastian feel bad. He thought Seb looked a little flushed, he must have been in a rush trying to make it in on time. Christian forgot about it and put his mind to the morning's meeting.

 

 

 

As the morning progressed Sebastian found himself wondering what Mark was up to now; whether Mark would be back home and what time they might be finished up here so he could go join him. Even when he was doing his best not to think about Mark and focus on the meeting Sebastian found his face sliding into a stupid grin, he just couldn't help it. He kept pushing it away, but as he did that Seb only remembered why he was so happy and that made hiding his smile even harder.

 

Christian looked over at Sebastian and thought he seemed in a very positive mood. The break must have done him good. Seb looked happier and healthier than he could remember seeing him, and he really was smiling away over there. Somebody obviously had a very good Christmas.

Christian found himself reflecting that smile as he looked over at his two drivers. Seb nearly matched Daniel with the way he was grinning away sat there. Then again if having two of the happiest drivers on the grid was a problem, Christian would certainly take that over the issues he'd had in the past.

He found himself staring at Seb, thinking at first how nice it was that he was obviously in a much better place these days, then started to wonder if there was something he was missing. There was something a little off. He couldn't quite place it initially, then Christian looked at the RedBull team hoody that Seb was wearing. It was standard issue, but it wasn't quite right; some of the logos were missing and it looked a little too big.

Suddenly it clicked and Christian had to take a gulp of coffee to stop himself from laughing out loud. Oh dear, he was going to have to wait until later when they were alone to have a little word with Sebastian.

 

 

As the meeting finished up, Sebastian was having a quick catch-up with Dan, hearing about his adventures from over the winter break and giving a heavily edited version of his own in return. He was just thinking how funny it was to hear an Australian accent that wasn't Mark and wondering if he could get away to go home right away now without appearing indecently eager to leave, when Christian appeared at his shoulder.

They exchanged a few polite words as a group before Dan disappeared and Seb realised that everyone else had drifted out of the room and only he and his boss remained.

“You had a good time in the break then Sebi?” asked Christian.

“Umm, yeah, great thank you. I think I needed it after last season to be honest,” admitted Seb.

Christian gave a small laugh. “Yeah I think we all did.”

“Mmm, yeah. You had a good break?” checked Sebastian politely.

“Yes, very nice thanks. Good to get away for Christmas this year,” replied Christian. “You look like you had a good Christmas.”

Seb wondered what he meant by that and a little discomforted, automatically made a joke.

“Are you saying I've put on weight?”

Christian laughed, pleased that Seb was back on form. Thinking about it, he realised Sebastian _had_ put on a little weight since last year, but that was no bad thing, he'd looked almost ill at times back then, so there was no way he was going to put him off being healthy now.

“Very funny Sebi. No I meant you seem in a good mood. Did you do anything nice?”

Sebastian paused and then almost laughed out loud at what he could tell Christian he had been doing and with whom.

“Oh, umm, you know, just spent time with family,” allowed Seb.

Christian nodded, wondering who fell into that category these days.

“Good, good, well I'm glad you had a decent break and a nice rest. All ready to get stuck in?”

“Sure.”

“Great. I'm sure we've got a better year coming up,” suggested Christian.

Seb grinned. “Oh I'm sure that's true.”

 

Christian had to stop himself from shaking his head at how upbeat Sebastian was. He was practically exuding happiness. He wondered what Seb could tell him was behind that. Christian considered for a moment whether he really ought to let Sebastian know that he could tell him and he wouldn't have a problem with it. Whether it might help Seb to know he had a friend and see if he might be able to help, because surely they were getting worse and worse at hiding this, and once the season started up that might be an issue. Christian knew it shouldn't be, but he also knew the world they lived in was gossipy and inbred and if Seb wasn't careful rumours would start that would be impossible to control. He didn't want his driver distracted and he didn't want someone he genuinely cared about to have problems.

He hid a sigh and looked again at Seb. He was so obviously happy right now; happy and healthy and settled. Christian thought about where they'd been a year ago and the terrible state Sebastian had been in. This time last year he had been so worried about him that Christian had thought Seb might be in danger of not be able to continue being a driver, indeed he'd been seriously worried about how he was going to pull through what he'd suffered at all. Sebastian had been through hell and for so much of last year he had looked horribly worn out and stressed. That Seb had survived said a lot about his strength and determination, but Christian also knew who he had to thank for helping Sebastian.

Christian thought the world would never know what had gone on in the background with Sebastian and how it was that things had changed between him and Mark. Maybe it really was getting to a point where he needed to speak to Seb about it, to see what they ought to do to handle the situation, but as he looked at Sebastian again Christian realised how keen he looked to make a getaway so he could go back home. He was so happy right now, and it had been such a long time since Christian had seen that in Seb. Why burst his bubble? It seemed cruel in the circumstances.

He decided to let things go for now and leave Sebastian to it. For now it could wait; they were still in hibernation from the realities of the F1 circus. Christian was more sure than ever that he really would have to have a chat with him about this, but not just yet.

 

As they said their goodbyes and Christian let Seb go, he watched him as he walked out of the room. Christian allowed himself the smile and shake of his head that he'd been restraining all morning. He wondered if Seb had done it on purpose, or if had been accidental, but Christian was absolutely certain that Sebastian had come to work in today in one of _Mark's_ old team hoodies.

 

 

 

 

Two weeks later Mark arrived back at Heathrow feeling thoroughly worn out by days of meetings in preparation for his new season with Porsche. Given that the team had members travelling from all directions to be in Germany at the same time, they tried to fit as much in as possible, which made for some pretty long and intense days. Mark had endured some pretty long nights too, missing Sebastian something awful as they were apart for the first time since New Year. He'd texted Seb when his flight was due in and Sebastian had replied that he'd see him as soon as he was back, so Mark was looking forward to Seb being there waiting for him when he got home.

Mark checked his watch as he waited in line at passport control: 4.47pm. Not so bad. Just an hour or so depending on traffic and he'd be home, hopefully get a nice welcome from Seb, crash out for a bit, then defragment his tired brain with a walk out with the dogs and a spot of dinner. Years of travelling the globe with his racing meant Mark knew the routine inside out, but it didn't make it any less tiring.

He handed over his passport to be checked and attempted to look as uninteresting as possible to hurry things along. Mark just wanted to be home already. Home and with Seb.

All the phone calls in the world weren't enough to compensate for not actually being together. How on earth they were going to cope this year when their racing took them in different directions all the time Mark didn't know.

Seb. Ah yes he was definitely looking forward to seeing Seb. Two whole nights in an empty bed was two nights too many. Mark was very much looking forward to putting that right. A decent night's sleep, preferably with Seb, preferably after sleeping with Seb.

Mark made sure he didn't laugh out loud at that thought as the immigration official handed him back his passport. Not the kind of thing that went down well with those types.

He shouldered his hand-luggage bag into which he'd managed to cram all he needed for the few days away and headed off towards the exit to go find a taxi. Just an hour or so and he'd be home and he'd see Sebastian and...

 

Mark looked up to see a beaming face looking over at him from just inside the main hallway: Seb. The sneaky sod had turned up to meet him.

“Mark!”

Sebastian flung himself at him the moment he was out in the hall. Mark was almost knocked back by the force of his welcome.

“What are you doing here?” grinned Mark, unable to hide how happy he was to see him.

“Welcome back,” greeted Seb, keeping his arms around Mark's neck and placing a very firm kiss on his lips.

 

Mark was slightly stunned by Sebastian's boldness. Right here in public? Like he didn't care at all who saw them or what they might think. Maybe Seb was just getting a bit carried away because he was so happy to see him? Still, that was nice.

“Very good to be back,” affirmed Mark, as Sebastian released him.

“I wanted to surprise you,” explained Seb.

“Yeah mate? You did that. Very sneaky of you.”

Mark smiled to see how pleased with himself Sebastian looked. He wanted to kiss him again to show how happy he was to see Seb and how nice he thought the gesture was, but somehow he found himself thinking of all the people around them and he restrained himself.

“Shall we go home then?”

“Yep,” agreed Seb, still looking thrilled.

“I'll take that.”

He took Mark's bag from him, thinking he looked tired. Mark almost resisted, but he really was tired so he let Seb carry it as they set off towards the car-park.

“Missed you,” admitted Sebastian, shooting Mark a sideways glance. “Did you miss me?”

Mark smiled back at him. “Course I did.”

 _Fuck it,_ Mark thought, changing his mind. If Seb didn't care who saw them, maybe he shouldn't?

“Course I did,” repeated Mark. “Horribly. Longest three days of my life mate.”

He smiled at Sebastian, gave him a kiss on the cheek and slung his arm over Seb's shoulders as they walked out into the cold. Fuck it. They probably needed to talk about this, but not right now. Right now they were just too happy to be back together. Why spoil the moment?

 

As they drove home Mark stretched out in the passenger seat, pushing it all the way back to give him as much room as possible to relieve his tired limbs.

“You okay?” checked Sebastian, thinking he was too quiet.

“Yeah mate, just a bit knackered,” excused Mark.

He was still thinking about their behaviour at the airport. Maybe Seb was simply far braver than he was.

Seb nodded. “Home soon.”

Travelling did take it out of you, Sebastian thought. He'd have to do what he could make Mark feel better once they got back.

 

 

As soon as they were through the front door the dogs launched themselves at them, giving Mark particular attention after he'd been away. Mark stooped down to give them a rub and felt instantly better to be the recipient of their unbridled affection. He really did miss them too when he was away.

“Daft things,” smiled Mark, finally pushing them away and standing up properly. “Were they alright at yours then?” he checked.

“Yeah fine. Although I stupidly failed to shut the door to the swimming pool this morning and they followed me in there. I very nearly had to fish them out,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark chuckled at the image of Sebastian chasing the dogs around the pool trying to prevent them taking a dip with him.

Seb shook his head. “Yeah that'll teach me. Anyway I dropped them off here afterwards. Didn't think they'd appreciate waiting in the car at the airport.”

“No. Patience is not one of their finer virtues,” agreed Mark.

“Right. I'd better take this up.” He indicated his bag.

“Oh, no I will,” offered Sebastian.

 

He was about to suggest that maybe they could both go upstairs when Mark spoke.

“Thanks, yeah I think I'm only good as far as the sofa.”

Sebastian nodded and took the bag up to the bedroom for him while Mark crashed himself down on the sofa as he'd been wanting to for hours now.

Once back downstairs Seb stuck his head around the door and offered to make tea, getting a grunted. “Yep, thanks mate,” in reply.

He stood around in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil feeling oddly disappointed. Mark was quiet. Seb shook his head. Maybe he'd been harbouring ridiculous romantic notions of being immediately dragged up to the bedroom as soon as they were home together? Maybe Mark hadn't liked it that he'd gone to surprise him at the airport? Maybe he was just knackered?

Sebastian made two mugs of tea and stared at them for a moment before deciding that he'd promised Mark that they weren't going to hide their thoughts and feelings from one another. Perhaps Mark _was_ only tired, but if he didn't ask Seb knew he'd just be worrying about it and tying himself up in knots over what might be nothing. He closed his eyes for a second, telling himself not to be a coward, then picked up the mugs to go through.

 

“Thanks mate, perfect,” said Mark taking a sip of his drink. “Good to be home.”

He lifted his feet up to rest on the coffee table and looked over at Sebastian.

“Very good to be home,” Mark repeated.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah of course.”

Mark frowned a little, seeing the way Seb was looking back at him like there was something he wanted. He gave him a warm smile and raised his arm up to pull Sebastian into his side, thinking instantly how much he'd been missing this while he had been away.

They sat that way for a while, comfortably leaning into one another and relaxing into the feeling of being together, just drinking their tea and not speaking.

Sebastian loved how he felt when Mark kept him close like that. For a while he let himself forget what he'd been worrying about and just enjoyed it, but he couldn't help thinking how Mark still wasn't saying anything.

 

As Mark finished up his tea and pulled away from Sebastian, lowering his feet onto the floor to set down his mug, Seb sat up and gathered himself to speak.

“Mark.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian swallowed the last of his tea and took the plunge.

“You aren't annoyed with me for coming to the airport are you?”

Mark furrowed his brow. “What? _Annoyed?_ Why would I be annoyed?”

Seb shrugged. “I don't know. You're just a bit quiet.”

Mark shook his head. “I'm just tired mate that's all.”

He looked at Seb wondering if he'd read his hesitation at returning Sebastian's public show of affection.

“I just really missed you while you were away and I wanted to see you as soon as possible,” confessed Sebastian, fighting the urge to look down as he always did when he felt uncomfortable.

“Of course I'm not annoyed Seb. It was great. Really nice of you. It was a lovely surprise.”

“Yeah?”

Mark shook his head. “Yeah. Why would you think otherwise?”

Seb shrugged again. “I don't know. Maybe I'm just really needy.”

 

It took a lot for him to let those words out. He worried about that quite a lot; how much he needed Mark, how he thought he didn't cope very well being parted from him, how he thought about him all the time, even when he was meant to concentrating on work at the factory.

“Needy?”

Mark tried not to sigh at the way Sebastian automatically thought the worst of himself.

“You're not needy Seb. It's not needy to want someone. To miss them. Don't you think I missed you too? I said so didn't I? Hmm?”

Mark leaned over towards Sebastian and took his mug from him to set it down, then raised his hand to hold it against his face, gently stroking Seb's cheek with his thumb.

“You're not needy. Or if you are, I am too. I hated being away from you.”

“Yeah?” asked Sebastian quietly, fast losing himself in the look in Mark's warm eyes.

“Yeah,” confirmed Mark, before huffing a laugh. “Don't you think it makes me feel fucking fantastic that you couldn't wait to see me?”

“Yeah?” repeated Sebastian, thinking how much he loved the feeling of Mark stroking his cheek, how he loved it when Mark did little things like that.

“Yes,” replied Mark firmly. “I couldn't wait to see you either you know? I was thinking about you all the way home, counting down the minutes.”

“Really?” Seb still struggled to believe Mark was as bad as him.

“Really,” insisted Mark.

He removed his hand from Sebastian's cheek and gave another little laugh.

“I wasted half the time in meetings thinking about you when I should have been concentrating. I'll have to re-read all the notes to see what I've missed.”

Sebastian finally smiled.

“I do that.”

“Hmm?”

“Keep thinking about you when I'm in work, or whenever, all the time really.”

Seb wanted to look down when he was admitting so much, but he couldn't when Mark was looking at him like that, admitting the same thing.

Mark shook his head again and smiled back at Seb.

“What are we like eh? Hopeless. Completely hopeless,” Mark echoed softly.

 

Mark leant in and kissed Sebastian, his hand going back up to rest against the side of his face as if holding him in place. Seb kissed back, trying to keep things as slow as Mark was, despite the fact that he was so happy to hear Mark say he felt the same way, that Sebastian wanted to pounce on him.

Sebastian pushed Mark back so he was lying almost completely on top of him, continuing to kiss him and revelling in the reminder of what it was like to be together like this.

Seb pulled away for a moment, grinning. “I missed you so, so much!”

Mark laughed. “Yeah mate I'm getting that.”

He gave Seb a quick little kiss before reaffirming. “I did too. Kept me awake at night.”

“Yeah?” grinned Sebastian. “Me too.”

He gave Mark a wicked little smile and set about kissing him more enthusiastically, forgetting about keeping the pace slow. Without making a conscious decision to, they found themselves pressing harder into one another, bodies moving as they had become accustomed to.

“Oh fuck, Seb. God, I really have missed you,” let out Mark.

Sebastian pushed his upper body away, accidentally on purpose pushing his hips further into Mark's.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Oh Jesus. Seb, don't do that, or...”

“Or?” Seb raised an eyebrow.

Mark exasperated a laugh. “Christ, you're going to kill me. I really am knackered. I'm not sure I've got it in me right now.”

 

Sebastian pouted, still utterly failing to change his position pressing into Mark, gaining just the reaction he was hoping for.

“Not _too_ tired.”

Mark took a deep breath, torn as to what to do, certain parts of his body seemed to operating on their own.

He sighed. “I really am tired.”

Mark was just about to suggest they laid off and calmed things down until later when Sebastian leant his upper body back down and whispered in his ear.

“You know I could maybe try to take care of things?”

As Sebastian moved his face back above his, Mark looked at him, wondering precisely what he meant.

“You know, if you're tired...”

Sebastian was giving him those irresistible big blue eyes. Mark was rendered helplessly weak by them. It worked every time.

“Well,” relented Mark. “It _is_ a very kind offer.”

“Mmm,” smiled Seb encouragingly.

Mark smiled. “What gentleman could refuse?”

Sebastian grinned and pushed himself off Mark.

“Upstairs?”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark, now wondering why they'd not gone up there the moment they'd walked through the door.

 

 

Once in the bedroom Seb made sure that they didn't pause so he wasn't allowed to stop and think as that was usually when his confidence wavered. Instead he practically fell on Mark as soon as he sat down on the bed and crawled on top of him to pick up where they had left off down on the couch.

“You're very keen,” grinned Mark.

“Complaining?” smiled back Sebastian, knowing now that Mark was really just as keen as he was.

Mark laughed. “Oh definitely not.”

He looked up at Seb's face and thought briefly how incredible it was to see him this way. How impressively assertive Sebastian was being. Not that he wasn't always willing and eager to be with Mark, but even when Seb initiated sex, Mark usually ended up taking over without meaning to. He wondered how far Sebastian could take things.

Mark's train of thought didn't last very long when Sebastian started kissing him again, his body quite deliberately moving over his. Thinking wasn't really terribly easy when all the blood flowed in the opposite direction to his brain. Mark lost himself to it. God he'd missed this. He'd missed Seb.

 

Sebastian wasn't thinking terribly clearly either. He found it was best that he switched his brain off as much as possible when he was in bed with Mark. That way he could focus only on the moment and the sensation and not really think too much. Thinking only led him to his insecurities and he always tried to damp them down as much as possible and remember how Mark always told him that he could do no wrong. In fairness Mark's reactions usually spelt that out pretty clearly, so Seb's worries on that score had been getting less and less, but the remnants of them still lingered in the dark corners of his mind.

He pulled away from Mark's mouth, thinking how they had far too many clothes on for his liking. Seb sat up a minute and pulled off his long-sleeved t-shirt and started pushing up Mark's jumper to reveal his toned stomach. Seb grinned and set about giving Mark's lovely body the attention it deserved.

Mark lay back on the pillow, smiling to himself as he pulled his arms up to rest under his head, propping himself up slightly to see Sebastian at work as he pushed his jumper higher up his chest. The feeling was so nice he almost wanted to close his eyes just to immerse himself in it, but he didn't want to lose the chance to watch Seb like this; it was too perfect. He was so caught up in it, it took Mark a moment to realise that Sebastian had stopped and had lifted himself up.

“Do you want to lose this?” suggested Sebastian, his hand still holding Mark's jumper as high as it could go.

“Oh, umm, yeah, course. Hang on.”

Mark sat up and Sebastian helped him pull his jumper over his head to chuck it onto the floor.

“That's better,” smiled Seb, letting Mark lie back down before setting back where he'd left off.

Mark stretched out on the bed and allowed himself to close his eyes this time. It really was too nice a sensation to not let himself feel it completely.

 

Sebastian looked over for a second to see Mark close his eyes and thought the satisfied expression on his face said enough, but he braved asking anyway.

“Good?”

“Mmm,” confirmed Mark in a low rumble.

The vibration in Mark's chest tickled as Sebastian had rested the side of his face against him to pause to ask. It was such a beautiful feeling Seb thought about asking again just to get Mark to repeat the action, but he didn't want to seem as though he needed reassurance, so he carried on, now working down instead of up Mark's body.

 

Mark lay there, noticing quite clearly the direction in which Sebastian was heading, and despite his avowed tiredness, he was starting to wonder if he would be able to continue lying there letting Sebastian do all the work as he had volunteered to, because if Seb didn't do something soon to relieve him, Mark thought he might very well lose his self-control and flip things so that he had Sebastian under him to speed up getting what he needed.

“Seb?”

“Mmm?”

Sebastian pulled away to look at him. Mark was about to ask him to hurry up, but he took one look at his face and instead sighed. “God I've missed you.”

As soon as he spoke Mark was glad he'd changed what he was going to say. Seb looked so pleased and Mark thought how amazing he looked like that; his lips all pink from kissing him and eyes lit up with happiness at the compliment.

Sebastian pushed himself up Mark's body to meet his face and kissed him on the mouth, before letting his hand wander down to Mark's jeans, pressing in gently to feel his crotch.

“Mmm, I noticed.”

Mark laughed again thinking how far they had come that Sebastian could make jokes like this now.

Seb pulled himself off Mark and started undoing his belt and jeans before pushing them down to free him from his underwear. Mark lifted his hips a little to help and Sebastian grinned at the sight that greeted him.

“Missed you too,” stated Sebastian, pointedly looking not at Mark's face but his his hard cock that was there waiting for him. He was feeling quite giddily carried away with everything, surprising himself with his boldness.

Mark laughed again at the brazenness of the comment, and Sebastian looked back at him and laughed at himself.

“Come here,” Mark instructed, putting a hand out to pull Sebastian over.

He definitely needed things to progress apace, but just for a moment he wanted to kiss Seb, almost in celebration of seeing that cheeky look apon his face. Things were often so serious between them, it was a relief to let that go for a moment.

Mark kissed Sebastian hard for a moment and then let go so they could remove the rest of their clothes properly and let things continue.

 

Seb placed himself back covering Mark's body with his own thinking how he just wanted to lose himself in the feeling of pressing against one another like that, feeling his brain drifting as they kissed and hands gently wandered. He wanted to keep things slow so that it wasn't over too soon. He'd waited too long for this.

 

Mark tried to focus on how great everything felt and how much he'd been looking forward to this to prevent him from giving in and hurrying things along as his body wanted to. Sebastian seemed absorbed in the moment and it felt wrong to take that from him. Mark drew on his self-control to keep things going a while before letting his hand wander down to stroke Sebastian, to give him the message.

“Seb,” Mark said softly, “don't you want to...”

“Yes,” interrupted Sebastian, his voice gone a little breathy.

“Good,” smiled Mark and gave him a quick kiss before pushing Seb up so he could reach over to the drawer beside the bed to grab the bottle of lube that resided there.

He stayed pushed up on his elbows for a moment, Sebastian sat straddling his legs, distracting himself from feeling awkward at the pause in proceedings by kissing at Mark's collar-bone, only pulling away to hiss a little as he felt Mark's cold lubed finger reach down to press against him.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian pulled his head level with Mark's and nodded, temporarily lost for words.

Mark nodded in return and continued. He was used to them not exchanging a lot of words during sex; pushing Seb too much on that only caused him to feel uncomfortable and that was the last thing Mark wanted. He thought he'd got pretty good at reading Seb without them talking too much.

He went back to what he was doing, pushing gently into Sebastian getting the desired reaction as his breath hitched and he closed his eyes, his head tipping forward as Seb let out now familiar little gasps and moans as Mark knew he was getting it right.

“Like that yeah?” Mark asked, starting to move one then two fingers inside him.

“Yeah, oh god yeah,” bit out Seb, starting to feel his chest heaving as things sped up.

Mark smiled, as he continued and Sebastian opened his eyes to look into his, so close now as Mark used his free hand to push himself to sit further up to meet him.

“Mark,” Seb gasped, not quite sure what he was saying.

“Yes?” Mark's own breathing hitched as he struggled to keep things slow.

“Need. Need you now,” demanded Sebastian, his eyes wide as they fixed on Mark.

Mark grinned. “Absolutely mate.” Damn he really had missed this.

Mark kissed Seb as he withdrew his fingers and went to move them to turn and lay Seb down so they could carry on.

“No, wait,” stopped Sebastian, placing his hands on Mark's arms.

 

Mark did as requested and halted.

“What is it? You okay?”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah I...” he paused a moment gathering his courage.

“Like this,” he insisted, carefully looking at Mark to see that he understood.

“Hmm? Oh.” Mark raised his eyebrows. Fine by him.

“I said I could take care of things,” recalled Sebastian not wishing to break a promise, and hoping he could fulfil it now that what he'd thought of was a reality.

“Yeah? Okay, sure. Like this then,” agreed Mark, leaning in to kiss Seb.

As things were he really didn't feel all that tired any more, but this was the most assertive he'd seen Sebastian and he wasn't about to put him off.

 

Sebastian kissed him back for a moment, assuaging his nerves. Usually all he had to do for this party was show up and join in. This was a lot more, but he wanted to prove he could do it. To himself as much as Mark. Mark always told him he could do no wrong. It would be okay. He could do this.

Pulling himself upright Seb looked in Mark's eyes, drawing strength from the warmth in them.

“I need you to lean back,” explained Sebastian, placing a hand on Mark's chest to gently push him in the right direction.

“Whatever you say mate,” smiled Mark.

He wanted to laugh at Seb being bossy, but now was absolutely not the time, so he lay back and rested on the pillows.

 

Sebastian shifted himself, knowing that if he paused too long his submerged anxieties would creep back in and eat him up. He reached over and grabbed the bottle of lube and poured out a little into his hand and rubbed it to warm it up as Mark always did. He started to stroke Mark's cock, not that he needed to get any harder, but just to ease himself into things. Just as long as he went with it and didn't over-think things Seb was sure he could do this. He'd been on top before, but it was a hell of a long time ago and he'd been pretty drunk at the time, it was all fairly blurry in his mind, but the mechanics of it weren't that hard to grasp.

Speaking of grasping, Seb almost laughed as Mark groaned out.

“Fuck mate, unless you move on I think we're gonna end this a bit soon.”

“Oh, sorry. Yeah,” Seb apologised.

He let go of Mark a moment before lifting himself up to position himself above Mark and carefully taking hold of his cock to guide him in. His heart pounding in his chest.

Mark looked at the concentration on Sebastian's face and felt his breathing speed up even further. God Seb was beautiful. Mark knew this wasn't easy for him, but he had to let Sebastian do this. It felt important.

He placed his hands either side of Sebastian's waist to help hold him in place as he slowly lowered himself down onto him. It was incredibly difficult to stop himself from bucking upwards into him, but he knew that would have been wrong, he had to let Seb take control.

 

Sebastian thought he hadn't felt anything this extreme since the first time they'd slept together. Everything was so slow, so intense. He thought his thighs were going to start quivering with the effort. He locked his eyes on Mark's, trying to remember to breathe. Part of him wanted to close his eyes, but it was better like this; better to look at Mark's lovely warm eyes and know he was with him.

Mark still held on to Seb, gently moving his thumbs to stroke against Seb's soft skin at his waist. Sebastian concentrated on that for a moment, helping himself to relax and finally allow him to take all of Mark, the air in his lungs shooting out.

“Fuck,” exclaimed Sebastian, coherent thought a way off at this point.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded, “Yeah, I just, just need a second.”

“Okay,” agreed Mark, taking in the intensity of Sebastian's stare.

 

Sebastian finally allowed himself to close his eyes a moment, letting himself get used to the feeling of being so filled, of feeling all of Mark like this. A tiny part of his brain that was still operating chimed that all of Mark was a good thing, the best thing. He wanted all of Mark, all the time.

He felt Mark's thumbs still gently stroking him, not hurrying him. A bit more of his brain kicked in and he realised how patient Mark was being. He had to start moving.

Mark was grateful to see Seb open his eyes, he wondered where he'd been. He was relieved when Sebastian finally started to move. It had been taking a lot for him to stay still and not get things going himself.

Sebastian thought his legs weren't quite up to doing anything yet, so he started to experimentally move his hips.

“Good?” Seb checked, trying not to sound anxious.

“Yeah,” breathed Mark, “yeah mate good, very good.”

Reassured, Seb continued in this fashion, gaining in confidence as he saw the way Mark reacted. He could do this. He could take care of Mark the way he looked after him.

Before long the slow movements became too much and Seb knew he had to speed up.

Mark's breath was as short as Sebastian's now. Something about that encouraged Seb to take yet more risks and he started to lift himself up using his thigh muscles, then letting go to drop back down. The first time he did it the feeling was so over-powering that he thought he couldn't go on, but as he looked down to see the expression on Mark's face, his eyes dark with passion, he knew he couldn't stop. Seb started to find a rhythm that was always easier when his body took over and his mind checked out.

Mark thought he'd never felt anything quite like this before, even with Sebastian. He didn't want to let things get away from him. This had to last as long as possible, he never wanted this to end. Sebastian moving on him, giving himself up as he let go. He felt rather than saw the change in him, Seb's movements getting faster and more erratic. It was incredible.

He was jolted back as Sebastian slowed and stopped.

“Seb?”

Sebastian gasped for breath. He let his body fall a little forward as he fought to stay in position. He looked at Mark, trying to force himself to speak, suddenly feeling hugely exposed and vulnerable.

“Mark,” he gasped. “I need. Need you to...” he heaved a breath, “to help me. My legs...I can't...”

Mark frowned a moment before Sebastian let out a laugh at how ridiculous he felt when this was just Mark. It was Mark. His Mark, and nothing could be that terrible that Mark wouldn't make it okay.

Mark let the frown erase from his forehead as Sebastian suddenly laughed. He swallowed, trying to get his mouth to work correctly.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” breathed Seb heavily. “I just think my thighs are going to start shaking in a minute. I can't... I mean, can you help me?”

Mark's face split into a warm smile.

“Course mate.”

Mark moved his hand to place them firmly on Seb's hips to help him carry on, allowing himself to raise up to meet Sebastian, the pair of them co-ordinating to move in time to bring them to a climax.

 

Sebastian felt as though something snapped inside of him as he came, as if he'd given something far more than his body to Mark. His brain wasn't operating at all, but as it floated around loosely inside his head he felt Mark sit up and wrap his arms around him to hold him tight, their foreheads pressed together.

He felt Mark's breath in his ear as he moved his head to whisper.

“I love you. You know that? I love you. You're fucking amazing.”

Sebastian let his face drift into a smile as he moved his head to rest his face into the crook of Mark's shoulder, breathing him in for a moment. He had his arms wrapped around Mark's neck although he didn't remember putting them there.

They stayed like that for a moment, Seb sat in Mark's lap, clinging tightly to one another, not wanting to move and let this end.

Eventually Mark kissed Sebastian's shoulder and spoke.

“I've gotta move mate, sorry.”

Sebastian lifted his head and nodded. “'kay.”

Mark placed his hands back on Seb's waist and lifted him and the pair of them separated to lie back on the bed, still gathering themselves.

 

Mark lifted himself to place a kiss on Sebastian lips as lay there still coming down to earth.

“You're amazing. Did I mention that?” Mark asked.

Sebastian looked up at him lazily, his body hardly felt as though it was his own.

“You're not so bad yourself,” he managed to say, making Mark laugh a little.

Seb tried to pull himself together by focussing on how warmly Mark was looking at him. Mark reached over and stroked his hair back into place before dropping back down onto the mattress.

“Five minutes?” suggested Mark, knowing Sebastian always wanted a little time together before they could get up and sort themselves out.

Sebastian shifted himself to lean the side of his face up against the top of Mark's arm, closing his eyes a second before speaking again.

“Can we stay a bit longer? I just feel a bit shaky,” he admitted.

Mark moved his arm to slide it around Seb and pull him closer.

“Shaky? Are you okay?”

He knew that had been a lot for Sebastian. The temptation to take over had been almost overwhelming, but he'd wanted to let Seb do it.

“Yeah I'm okay. Good shaky I think.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a gentle squeeze and felt Sebastian move slightly to make himself comfortable up against him, reaching his arm across his middle to hold on to him.

Seb closed his eyes a second as he rested his head on his shoulder, then reopened them.

“You won't go anywhere will you?” asked Sebastian.

Mark looked at him, tempted to say he could hardly escape with the way they were lying wrapped up in each other, but instead he smiled and gave Sebastian a kiss on the forehead.

“I'm not going anywhere. We can take as long as you like. There's nowhere I'd rather to be.”

Sebastian let out a little sigh and relaxed into Mark, closing his eyes for a moment to sink into him and feel the continued connection he craved.

 

 

Sebastian opened his eyes feeling Mark shift beneath him.

“Sorry, I was just trying to reach the water, Mark apologised.

Seb lifted himself off Mark to let him get a drink from a bottle that had been lying on the bedside table.

“Want some?”

Seb nodded and Mark passed him the water as they sat themselves up a little in bed.

“I didn't mean to fall asleep,” excused Sebastian.

Mark shook his head a little. “It's fine.”

He huffed a little laugh. “And I thought I was supposed to be the tired one.”

“Sorry.”

Seb put the drink down on the table to his side. He felt a little bad that he hadn't fulfilled his promise to do all the work and take care of Mark when he was tired.

“What do you mean sorry?” asked Mark.

Sebastian looked at the blank expression on Mark's face.

“I said I'd take care of everything. Take care of you, only...”

Mark turned slightly to properly look at Seb.

“Seb, that was amazing. I meant it. _You're_ amazing. Don't you know that?”

Sebastian furrowed his brow a little. “It was okay that I couldn't do it on my own?”

“ _Seb,_ ” Mark almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the idea.

“Seb you're not doing it on your own. You weren't I mean. That's sort of the point. It's both of us. It's meant to be both of us. I'm glad that you asked. That you can say.”

 

He reached over and stroked his hand gently down the side of Seb's face.

“You can always say Seb,” he repeated softly. “I want you to, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian. He swallowed and went to look away a second before stopping himself and holding Mark's gaze.

“I don't find it easy to say,” Seb confessed.

Mark leant over and kissed him, moving his hand to stroke Seb's shoulder and down his arm.

“I know mate. I know. I've kinda noticed. That's okay. We'll get there. No rush. You did great just then.”

Sebastian pulled away to look at Mark.

“Yeah?” he felt strangely shy asking.

“Yeah,” said Mark firmly, giving him another equally firm kiss. “Amazing. I meant it. You're amazing. I love you, okay?”

“Okay,” accepted Seb. “I love you too.”

“Good,” smiled Mark, thinking they were getting a little better at communicating. He didn't care if it was a tiny bit condescending to tell Sebastian how well he'd done and to praise him, he was pretty sure Seb needed reinforcing.

 

Mark internally shook his head. Here he was congratulating Sebastian on improving how they communicated when he had totally failed to tell him the complete truth about how he felt about what had happened when Seb had picked him up at the airport earlier. He hadn't lied. That Sebastian had made the effort did make him feel fantastic, but that wasn't the full story and they needed to talk about it, but not right now.

“Right, come on then, let's get up, get sorted, get some food, yeah?”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Sebastian, having to remind himself that it wasn't actually late at night, despite the fact that it was dark outside.

 

 

 

An hour later they sat back down in the lounge after eating. They had both felt too exhausted to take the dogs out for a walk so they'd just let them run around the garden whilst they ate some dinner, and now they were settled at their feet in a heap, seeming happy enough. Mark promised himself that they'd take them for an extra long walk tomorrow. That would be nice anyway, a nice long breather in the outdoors with Seb, just taking some time together.

 

The television was playing, but Mark wasn't paying much attention to it. They needed to talk. Now was really as good a time as any. If he left it much longer Mark would feel as though he'd ducked the issue altogether and that was as good as lying to Sebastian and he never wanted to do that.

Seb was tucked under his arm, his head resting on his shoulder. Everything felt so settled and nice it seemed a shame to disrupt it, but Mark knew that was an excuse. He really had to man up and address this. They had to.

“Seb can we talk a bit mate?” queried Mark.

“Hmm?” Seb pulled his head up to look at him.

'Talk' usually meant something serious. Seb didn't really want anything serious right now. He just wanted to curl up with Mark and make the most of him being home.

 

Mark pushed out a long breath as he turned and leant sideways against the back of the sofa to face Sebastian, who mirrored his movements to settle looking back at him.

“Is everything okay?” asked Seb, wondering what could be wrong when everything seemed so good.

“Yeah. Everything's fine. It's just...” Mark paused trying to think how to approach this. Honesty was probably the only way.

“Yeah we're all good. It's just I was thinking about before. _Before_ before,” he emphasised. “When you came to meet me at the airport.”

An unsettled look flashed over Sebastian's face and Mark instantly wanted to quash it.

“Which was great. Really lovely of you mate. I do appreciate it. It's just it made me think.”

Reassured, Sebastian went to reflexively joke; “Usually a mistake.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. “ _Quite_. Anyway. What I mean is,” he hesitated again trying to persuade himself to dive in. “We've not really talked about what we're going to do. About us.”

Sebastian furrowed his brow, concerned what Mark meant by that.

“What do you mean?” asked Seb, the treacherous outer limits of his brain prodding his anxieties back into life.

 

Mark saw Seb tensing up and instinctively reached over his hand to rest on Sebastian's knee.

“Just that we need to think how we're going to handle this; Us being together, going forwards. In public I mean.”

“Oh.” Sebastian felt deflated thinking Mark hadn't liked how he'd kissed him in front of other people. He tried not to sound too hurt. “I suppose I didn't think too much about it. I don't think anyone cared what we were doing.”

“At the airport?” queried Mark. “No mate I don't think anyone was paying us any attention. Everyone's got too much on their own minds there to care.”

He hoped so anyway, Mark was fairly sure he'd over-reacted initially.

“We're not doing anything wrong,” asserted Seb.

“No of course we're not. Of course not. I'm not saying we are. I'm not saying we should hide.” Mark sighed. “I'm not really thinking about how we are generally. I don't think so many people care in this day and age around here, it's not that.”

“I don't think most people would recognise us,” insisted Sebastian.

He always thought the idea of him being famous was slightly odd and unlikely. In his day-to-day life no one paid him the slightest bit of attention away from the hubbub of Formula One weekends.

“Probably not,” agreed Mark, “and that's fine, but, well, I was sort of hoping I'd be coming to more races this year.”

“So was I,” agreed Seb. “You're coming to Australia already anyway aren't you?”

“Yes, but _with_ you?”

“Don't you want to?” asked Sebastian, hoping this wasn't Mark's way of backing out of the idea.

“Yes of course I want to,” insisted Mark. “But that's my point. It's all very well being normal together away from all that, but if I'm going to be at races with you and, well, if you greet me like you did today when you get back to the RedBull motorhome I'm pretty sure people would notice.”

He gave Seb an ironic little smile.

Sebastian relaxed, seeing what Mark was getting at. “Yeah, I'm pretty sure they would too.”

“And I'd imagine they might mention it to other people,” continued Mark.

Sebastian laughed at the understatement. “Yeah okay, I see what you mean.”

“And even if we're not that blatant, well you know that the F1 paddock is about the worst place for gossip in the known universe.”

 

Seb nodded. He did know that. Everyone knew that the populace of the Formula One circus put a bunch of old washerwomen to shame when it came to starting and spreading rumours.

Seb sighed. “I just want us to be normal.”

“We _are_ normal,” insisted Mark.

“You know what I mean,” asserted Sebastian. “I want you to come and stand on my side of the garage. I want you to support me.”

“I want to support you too Seb. I want you to come to Le Mans and support me in return, but it's not that simple.”

Sebastian puffed out a long breath. “I know. I do know. I guess I've been putting off thinking about it.”

He suddenly huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes. “Everything has to be so fucking complicated with us.”

Mark shrugged. “Sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

 

Sebastian paused before asking. “Do you think the reaction would be so very bad?”

“Dunno mate to be honest. I mean times have changed. Even in the past ten years. I thought there was no way I could be open about being gay when I started in F1. I don't know, maybe it wouldn't be so bad now. The world's moved on a bit, maybe the paddock can catch up?”

Seb laughed a little at the idea that the most advanced sport in the world was so retrograde in other ways.

“You never wanted to come out?” questioned Sebastian.

Mark shrugged. “I don't know. Like I say at first it seemed impossible. Then when I was more settled it seemed a lot of potential fuss for no reason. I kind of like keeping my private life private, you know?”

“Yeah.”

Seb stopped for a moment wondering if them being together wasn't pushing Mark into having to do something he didn't want to.

“I guess, maybe I could come out on my own?”

Mark looked surprised, marvelling for a moment at how Sebastian frequently surprised him with how brave he was.

He shook his head. “No mate that wasn't what I meant. I think this is definitely a two-part deal. All or nothing.”

He smiled and tipped his head in towards Seb a moment and raised an eyebrow. “I think we come as a pair.”

Sebastian smiled at that. It felt so good to know he wasn't on his own. It made him feel stronger. With Mark surely anything was possible?

“Besides,” continued Mark sitting back a little, “what do you think the very first question would be?”

Seb nodded, thinking how that had instantly been what his family had asked: _'Are you seeing anyone?'_

“And anyway, wouldn't the whole point be so I can come along with you to races and that and we can just be ourselves and do whatever we want?”

“Yeah, of course. No you're right.”

 

Sebastian puffed out a breath. “Do you think the team would be bothered so much?”

“No, not the team, not really. Well I mean sure they'd be pretty surprised that it's you and me together after everything.”

Both of them mostly forgot how they had been in the past these days, but they knew that others wouldn't.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian, wondering just how shocked the team really would be at the complete reversal of their relationship.

“But other than that. No I don't think they'd care so much. They just want you to win races. I don't think they mind what you do in your spare time.”

“Christian for starters.”

“Yeah well Christian knew about me pretty much all along. And I know some of the others did.”

“Really?”

“I just got that impression. It wasn't like it was something we talked about in the garage, but I used to get the odd hint. The occasional comment from one of the guys saying grid girls were wasted on me. Nothing obnoxious, you know?”

“Yeah. Same really. I mean they've not said much, but I'm sure they know.”

 

Mark was tempted to say that he was certain many did, given the number who used to refer to Heikki as Seb's boyfriend, but he wasn't about to mention his name.

“Well I think you can safely take their not saying as not giving a damn frankly,” suggested Mark. “I don't think we need to be concerned about the team per se. I'm not sure about higher up.”

“You mean Dietrich?”

“Yeah, him, Marko, the board. I don't know. They'd be thinking of the bigger picture; image, sponsors that kind of thing.”

Seb thought for a minute. “Do you think it would be so negative?”

“I don't know mate, that's the thing. Maybe not. It might be fine, but you can bet they'd be thinking about that and we'd be fools not to think things through.”

“Yeah alright,” Sebastian sighed. “What about the rest of the paddock. Do you think they'd care so much?”

Mark gave Seb a look. “I think they'd go crazy for a nice juicy bit of gossip for a while, like they do, and then, well I'm not sure, but I hope they'd find something new to flap their lips about. They do tend to get bored pretty quickly.”

Seb laughed and then looked more serious. “Do think other drivers would be weird about it?”

Mark shrugged again. “I just don't know Seb. That's the thing. I hope not, but I can't read minds. It's not like I can remember the topic coming up during drivers' briefings.”

“True.”

“I mean obviously Fernando knew about me and was fine. DC pretty much knew after I dropped a few hints when we were team-mates. I never really told Jenson, but I reckon he knew too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah I reckon. Like I say we didn't discuss it. I just got the impression. I didn't want to make it an issue.”

Looking back Mark knew he'd left things deliberately vague to make his life easier.

 

Sebastian furrowed his brow thinking through the drivers on the grid and trying to imagine what their opinions might be. There was really no way of knowing until it was too late.

“I've never been the most popular driver on the grid anyway,” admitted Sebastian, thinking things wouldn't change.

Mark frowned. “That's not true. Besides who cares? You're not there to make friends. You're there to beat them.”

Seb smiled at the confident way Mark said that.

“What about you?” asked Seb. “Would it make your life difficult?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder. “Not sure really. I don't think so. I doubt anyone cares much about me.”

“I do,” interrupted Sebastian.

Mark tipped his head in acknowledgement. “Very nice of you to say so Seb, but I mean I'm not so high profile. I'm not in F1 any more. I think Porsche only care about racing.”

“Do you think they'd be okay then?”

“They might be grateful for the publicity,” joked Mark, then looked more serious. “On which note...”

“Yeah.” Sebastian knew that was probably the main issue. “The media would go nuts wouldn't they?”

“'Fraid so mate. I don't think that one's in doubt.”

“Hmm.”

“It's shit, but they would. I can't see any way they wouldn't leap all over us. All over you particularly I'm afraid.”

Mark could see the scandal rags eating up the chance for some sensationalist headlines.

 

Seb sighed, he knew that was true. He tried not to care what was said about him, but it was impossible to ignore it, impossible not to be affected by it.

“Four times world champion. I'm sorry Seb, but it's you they'd go for, not me.”

Mark felt a little bit sick at the idea that by them wanting to be together it would be Seb that would suffer the most.

“It isn't fair Seb, I know. I wish things weren't this way, but we can't just stick our heads in the sand.”

Sebastian nodded. “I'm sorry.”

Mark looked at him, frowning. “Sorry? Why should you be sorry?”

“Because you're right. We'll get hassled because of me, because of who I am, what I do. It isn't fair on you.”

Mark shook his head. “No mate I was just thinking the opposite. I was thinking it'd be unfair on you getting all the unwanted attention.”

“Oh.”

 

Seb felt oddly better knowing that Mark was thinking of him over himself. He shifted over to sit closer to Mark so he could lean into him.

“It's all so stupid. I don't understand why we can't just _be_.”

Mark put his arm back around Sebastian.

“I know. It's shit. It really is. I wish we didn't have to think about such things.”

“It's not fair. We're not doing anything wrong.”

Mark gave him a squeeze.

“I know. We're not. And who knows, maybe it might not be so bad?”

“Do you think the public would care? I mean the fans,” wondered Seb. “I guess they don't much like me anyway.”

“Seb don't think like that. That was more about, I don't know, they didn't like how things went in 2013.”

Mark leaned over and raised an eyebrow. “It _was_ kind of repetitive, the way you ran away with every race.”

“Mark...”

“No, I mean they were bored. That's all. Don't take it personally,” assured Mark.

Thinking back he hated knowing how the booing must have hurt Seb.

“Hard not to.”

“I know,” he squeezed Sebastian lightly again. “I know.”

They sat there for a moment thinking things through.

 

Mark puffed out a breath. “Bollocks to it all.”

Seb suddenly laughed, he loved a good Anglo-Saxon expression.

“Bollocks to it,” he echoed.

Sebastian lifted up to look at Mark.

“Speaking of telling people... I mean, our families. Even if we don't know what we're going to do generally, we have to tell them, right?

“Ah.” Mark felt guilty that he hadn't spoken to Seb before ringing his sister.

“Umm, I kind of already told Leanne.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry, It didn't occur to me that I shouldn't. She won't say anything,” excused Mark.

“No, of course. No that's fine. Of course you should have told her.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah of course.”

“I haven't spoken to my parents yet. I was sort of still wondering if we were going to be going out to Australia together.”

Seb frowned a little. Complicated or not, they were still doing that much.

“Well we are aren't we?” checked Seb.

“Yeah? Good. I thought we might go visit them for a bit. If you wanted to?”

 

Sebastian thought back to last year and the wonderful respite it had been to go and stay with Mark's family when he had been so stressed out and how kind and welcoming they had been.

“Of course. That'd be nice,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark smiled feeling relieved. He felt a bit stupid for wondering about it in the first place. Of course Seb would be coming with him.

“Great. I know they'd like to see you again, and you can meet Leanne too,” suggested Mark.

“I think I must have at some point already, haven't I?”

Seb had a vague recollection of some of Mark's family being in the garage in Melbourne some years back.

“Maybe. Anyway I mean properly meet her. She wants to meet you.”

“Oh right. Well yeah,” assented Sebastian, trying not to feel nervous at the idea of being presented officially. On which note...

“Mark would you come with me to tell my family?” Seb asked before he had to time to think better of it.

Mark nodded. “Sure.”

He let out a laugh. “That's going to be a bit strange seeing as we were only there at Christmas.”

“Hmm,” agreed Seb.

He'd spent the whole time telling them Mark was just a friend, now he was going to have to go back and tell them the opposite.

“Do you think they won't approve?” asked Mark reading his hesitance.

Seb pulled away to look at him.

“No. Of course not. They like you. No it'll be fine.”

He thought for a moment and then realised he didn't care if he was going back on what he'd said. It was the truth at the time, and his family did like Mark, they'd hit it off right away. It really was going to be fine.

“I'd just rather speak to them in person, and it would be nice if you'd come with me, that's all.”

“Of course. No problem. Really Seb, I'm happy to come with you, okay?”

“Good. Okay. Thanks.”

Seb shook his head. “I'm sure they'll be fine. I'm not worried about them.”

 

Mark felt bad for insisting that they get into all this.

“I didn't mean to make you worry about things.”

“No, it's okay. I mean I had thought about it a bit, but I guess I was ignoring what it all meant. You're right we need to think about it properly.”

Seb paused. “Maybe it will all be okay?”

“I hope so,” agreed Mark. “I'm sure it will. We just need to decide what we're going to do and then, I don't know, maybe come up with a strategy?”

“A strategy?” Seb almost laughed as the word made him think of racing. “Maybe I should talk to Christian?”

“Actually that might not be a bad idea,” agreed Mark.

“Mmm. Yeah, I guess. He'd be alright with it I'm pretty sure. Maybe if I can just find the right time to get to talk to him?”

“Yeah. Look I don't want to put pressure on you. Just have a think about it?”

“Okay. And if I did, you'd talk to your team too?”

“Of course I would,” assured Mark.

“Alright. I think it has to be me first doesn't it?”

Mark shrugged, he knew it did really. No matter how much he wished he could draw the focus away from Sebastian he knew that was unavoidable.

“There's no rush, okay Seb. I just think we need to be realistic.”

“Yeah but by Australia...”

“No I mean it Seb, there's no deadline on this.”

“Okay,”

“Yeah?” Mark looked at Seb hoping he hadn't made him anxious.

“Yeah it's okay, you're right, we should think about what we should do.”

“Good. If we haven't decided by the start of the season, I'm sure we can restrain ourselves and not draw any attention,” suggested Mark, giving Seb a smile.

Seb raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”

“Well I'm not saying it won't be a struggle, _obviously_.”

“ _Obviously_ ,” grinned back Sebastian.

 

Mark pulled Seb close so they could sit as they had been earlier.

“I'm sorry to be so heavy about stuff, but I didn't want to not tell you what I was thinking,” explained Mark.

“No it's okay, it's good. I have kinda been ignoring things. I'd only have started worrying about it,” admitted Sebastian.

“Don't go stressing, alright. It's all going to be fine.”

 

Mark pressed a kiss onto the top of Seb's head and Sebastian shut his eyes for a moment as he relaxed back into lying against Mark. It would be okay. If they were together surely it had to be?

“'kay,” agreed Sebastian quietly.

“And when I say 'think about it' I don't mean bottle it up. Talk to me, okay?”

Seb nodded and Mark tipped his head to the side to see.

“Yeah?” Mark double-checked.

“Yeah,” affirmed Seb. “I will okay, but can we forget about all that for now?”

“Sure.”

“I just want to forget about the real world for a bit,” explained Sebastian.

“Yeah mate, the real world sucks.”

Mark leaned his cheek down against Sebastian's head and tried to relax, hoping that he hadn't given Seb something more to worry about, but he knew it was better that they had spoken about things, complicated as it was. He almost laughed out loud at the notion he could be in the least surprised that anything to do with them was complicated, it was practically their mission statement.

 

Complicated could wait for now. The real world could wait. Just for a little longer.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting worse and worse at writing short chapters.
> 
>  
> 
> *Knocks and runs away*


	32. Bump In The Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the hiatus. I was pretty upset over what happened to Jules Bianchi at Suzuka (as I'm sure we all are) and I couldn't really concentrate on writing when it seemed so trivial.
> 
> Anyway here's the next bit. The real world has moved on apace and this is getting very AU now as we diverge away from what is really happening. I guess we should have known that the only thing you can rely on in F1 is it's unpredictability.
> 
> So on we go. Please rev your imaginations up a little as we go forward, forging our own path here. This is just a story after all...

 

 

Being away for testing was just as awful as Sebastian had imagined it would be. Not in terms of how things were going with the team; matters had definitely improved with regard to the car's performance. During the days Seb could lose himself in the minutiae of going through the test programme; driving on track or analysing the data in the garage, but the nights alone in his hotel room were torture. They were running up huge phone bills talking for half the night, but talking was no substitute for actually being with each other. Seb struggled to sleep without Mark's comforting form next to him. He missed his warmth, his steady heartbeat sounding in his ear as he lay against his chest, his arms around him.

Lying awake in bed Sebastian was unable to stop the shadows in the dark corners of his mind taking over. He worried about whether Mark was missing him just as much as he did (it didn't matter that Mark claimed he did, he worried anyway). He worried whether he was doing things right, and whether they were equal partners. He worried about what was going to happen in the future and if their relationship would be damaged by the strain of coming out in public.

In between testing sessions when they were reunited, everything seemed okay again and Sebastian felt as though all his fears were assuaged by Mark's promises that he did feel just the same, that Seb wasn't weak for having concerns, that he had worries of his own, particularly over the giant step of going public, and Seb felt much better, but once he was away again they seemed to creep back in despite his best efforts.

 

Seb was so happy to get to spend time with Mark when he was home that there seemed no time for anything else other than fitting in essential time at the factory to help with the preparations for the new season. He put off going to see his family, he put off going to see his therapist, even though he thought that might help set his mind at rest.

During the second test Sebastian had spent one night so sleepless that he was exhausted the following day and made far too many mistakes on track; one off later in the day nearly putting him in the barrier and destroying their brand new car. Seb sat in the garage as they were finishing up, going over his errors with his replacement engineer and he knew it wasn't good enough. He had to do something, and reverting back to spending time in his nice little bubble with Mark wasn't going to cut it.

 

Since the autumn Sebastian had reduced his sessions with Dr. Menton down to once a month; partly down to necessity due to the hectic end of the season, but also because he hadn't felt the need to see him so much. Now though he knew he had new issues to tackle and he couldn't put it off any more.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in Dr. Menton's office two days after his return from Barcelona. He was staring into his mug of cold coffee trying to compose himself. He was getting more and more frustrated at his inability to make Henry understand.

At first Dr. Menton had seemed pleased for him when he divulged that he was now with Mark, but when Seb had tried to get across just how difficult it might be for them to reveal their relationship to the wider public, he seemed to interpret that as reluctance on Sebastian's part to face up to the realities of how things really stood between the two of them. Seb couldn't seem to get Henry to grasp how complicated it was and how old-fashioned and macho the world of motorsport was. He seemed convinced that what it really meant was that Seb was insecure in his feelings towards Mark and that Sebastian wasn't ready for a full relationship.

 

“You don't get it,” sighed Sebastian.

“What don't I get?” asked Dr. Menton.

“Mark and me, what it means.”

“Explain then,” suggested Henry.

Seb puffed out a breath trying to think how he could do so.

“It means _everything. We're_ everything. I just don't know that the world would understand. That they'd let us be.”

“Are you ashamed of being together?”

Seb glared at him. “No. Of course not. It's not that. They might think we should be though. And people could make life very difficult for us.”

“I see. And don't you think your relationship could stand scrutiny?”

“What? No. It's not that.” Sebastian gripped his mug harder.

“You've had feelings for Mark for a long time Seb, but you always said that he only thought of you as a friend. Is it that you're concerned as to why he suddenly changed his mind?”

 

Henry thought the complete reversal in Mark's response to Sebastian seemed very odd if he had spent the previous year rejecting Seb's advances.

“No. It's not that. He didn't change his mind. It wasn't like that. He just told me how he really felt that's all.”

“And it was Mark who made the first move regarding this?” queried Henry.

Seb swallowed. “Yes. Well he said, I mean, he was the first to say something.”

“I see. And you hadn't brought the subject up again?”

Sebastian shrugged, feeling deeply uncomfortable discussing this with his therapist. Somehow it felt even more personal than all the awful things he had talked about regarding what had happened in the past with Heikki.

“I... it wasn't like that. I kissed him.” Seb felt himself blush slightly with embarrassment.

“You kissed him?”

Sebastian nodded.

“You hadn't said anything?”

Sebastian shook his head. “But I knew. I know it sounds stupid, but I just looked at him and I knew it was okay.”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“And Mark responded?”

“Yeah, he umm, he kissed me back and everything was alright.”

Seb hated having to tell Henry all this.

“So he didn't reject you this time?”

Sebastian stared at Dr. Menton. The word felt like a slap in the face.

“No.”

 

Henry frowned. He couldn't help thinking that this sounded an awful lot like the time before when Sebastian had said he had thrown himself at Mark only to be pushed away when Mark insisted he only thought of him as a friend. Dr. Menton knew how vulnerable Sebastian was. Why had Mark changed his tune?

Mark clearly cared a great deal for Seb. Henry hoped that it wasn't the case that Mark had felt that he couldn't spurn Sebastian's advances without hurting him. Surely Mark must know that would be worse than being honest? If Mark was professing more affection than he really felt then there was no way their relationship could last. If Mark was doing this just to keep Sebastian happy, even if it was from the kindest of motivations, then things were bound to disintegrate. Mark could break Seb's heart without even trying and Henry was sure that would be devastating beyond measure to Sebastian.

 

“He told me he loved me,” said Sebastian quietly.

“He does. I know he does. And I love him. It's all okay now,” insisted Seb.

Seb knew that. It was fixed at his core. Even if there were things he wasn't sure about, he was certain of that. Wasn't he?

“And you told him that?” asked Dr. Menton.

Seb nodded and took a sip of his horrible cold drink to steady himself.

“And then what happened?”

Sebastian looked down. “I'd rather not talk about it.”

Dr. Menton furrowed his brow. That didn't sound very promising.

“Why not?”

“Because it's personal,” burst Sebastian.

“If you're unhappy we can leave it Seb.”

Sebastian let out a frustrated noise. “Argh. No. I'm saying this all wrong. You don't understand. It's good. It's all good. Everything since then.”

“Okay. Do you want to drop the subject?” checked Henry.

“No.”

Sebastian wanted to make him understand, but everything he said seemed to make things worse.

“So you talked?”

“Yes.”

“And you both feel the same way?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian looked at him firmly, trying to impart the fact that there was no doubt on this score.

“You're sure that he is being entirely honest with you?”

“Yes. Why would you suggest he's not?”

“I'm only asking if _you_ are sure Sebastian,” countered Henry.

“Well I am. We're serious. This is serious.”

“Have you slept together?”

Seb really didn't want to get into this now, but he needed to make it clear how serious they were.

“Yes. Okay. We did, that night...”

 

Dr. Menton raised his eyebrows. Talk about rushing into things. He couldn't see that as anything other than a terrible idea in the circumstances.

“You slept together straight-away?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Yeah. It was fine. I mean good. It was, yeah...” he trailed off.

Seb knew he couldn't possibly explain what had happened that night, how difficult and wonderful and extreme the experience had been. How much it meant. Christ, there was no way he could admit that he had cried afterwards. How fucked-up would that sound?

“Who's idea was that?” asked Dr. Menton.

“Idea?” Sebastian thought that sounded a strangely abstract way of looking at how things had progressed.

He thought back.

“Mine. I suppose. I know we moved pretty fast, but it was fine, good, it wasn't like we didn't know what we wanted.”

“So it was mutual?” questioned Dr. Menton.

“Yes of course. He didn't push me. He kept saying we could wait, that we didn't have to,” explained Sebastian trying to emphasise how good Mark had been at holding back and not letting him feel pressured.

Dr. Menton frown deepened. “He didn't want to?”

Sebastian looked at him, astonished at how badly Henry was misunderstanding him.

“Of course he wanted to, he was just being really understanding,” clarified Seb.

“I see.”

 

Sebastian thought if Henry said that again he was going to chuck his cold coffee over him. He clearly _didn't_ see.

“No. You don't. We've been together ever since. As much as we can anyway.”

“And you've talked about things. How you both feel?”

“Yes. I love him, he loves me. It's simple,” insisted Sebastian, although he knew it was anything but simple.

 

Dr. Menton paused, seeing how sensitive Sebastian clearly was on the subject. He wondered which was the more irresponsible course of action: To leave it and potentially store up problems, or to challenge Seb when it might upset him. Surely the harder course was his duty?

“Is it that simple Seb?” asked Dr. Menton.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Yes,” he replied defiantly, before closing his eyes a second and admitting the truth. “I guess not _quite_ so simple.”

Henry nodded slowly.

“I know it must be hard to stop and think carefully about your feelings Sebastian, but I think it is important that you take some time to do so. Otherwise you're in danger of getting hurt.”

“Mark would never hurt me,” responded Seb in a flash. “He'd never...”

Sebastian hated the way even saying that out loud dug at him inside. He did know that was a fundamental truth. He hated having to feel as though he was defending Mark when he had done nothing wrong.

“I don't mean physically Seb. I know that Mark isn't like that. But you need to take care that you aren't rushing into things when it might set you up for a fall.”

Henry thought if Sebastian fell, he might not survive the hard landing.

 

Sebastian stared at the carpet.

“You're certain that you aren't confusing feelings of gratitude and dependence towards Mark with something stronger?”

Henry knew that sounded harsh, but he wanted Sebastian to sure of what he was doing.

 

It felt like a stab in the gut to Seb. It wasn't like that. He _was_ sure of that. He did feel grateful to Mark. He did depend on him. But it wasn't just that. It wasn't. He was _sure_ of that.

He'd thought he was sure.

“It's not like that,” insisted Sebastian. He heard his voice quaver and hated himself for appearing weakened on the matter.

“And Mark feels as strongly about you. You're certain of that?”

“Yes. He loves me. He says it all the time.”

“He reassures you?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian suddenly realised how that sounded.

“Wait, no. He's not just making me feel better. It isn't like that. You don't understand. You don't know what we're like when we're together. If you did, you wouldn't ask. You wouldn't need to. Everything's perfect when we're together. He's perfect.”

 

Henry thought of all the times Sebastian had spoken about Mark, how much he thought of him, how he put him on a pedestal. It must surely put a lot of pressure on Mark to live up to Sebastian's expectations.

“Well nobody is perfect Sebastian. I would caution you from setting Mark up like that...”

“He is,” interrupted Seb stubbornly. “You don't know him like I do. Why are you trying to tear us down?”

Henry held up a hand. “Now Sebastian I'm not doing that. I'm just trying to get you to take a moment to be sure that you haven't been too hasty. Isn't it better to have your eyes open and be certain of yourself and Mark to make sure that you are on the same page?”

“We are. You don't know. You're not _listening_ to me.”

Seb swallowed hard. He knew he was on the point of losing self-control and either shouting at Henry or bursting into tears. He hated how weak he was.

 

“I am listening Sebastian. That's my job,” asserted Dr. Menton.

“Well you're not doing a very good job,” bit Seb, feeling defensive.

“Maybe that's it. Maybe you just can't stand the fact that I'm happy?”

“Sebastian...”

“No. You think Mark doesn't really care about me.”

“I'm sure that he does.”

“But you think he doesn't love me?”

 

Seb felt himself going. He started swallowing hard. He didn't want to break down but he knew he was on the verge of doing so.

“Because I'm too fucked-up. He couldn't, right?”

“Seb please calm down. That's not what I'm saying,” tried Dr. Menton. He could see that Sebastian was getting upset.

Sebastian took a sharp breath in, then again, frantically trying to hold himself together, but anger and frustration and a horrible dark fear that his therapist could be right was overtaking him.

“And Mark just feels obliged to me. That he feels sorry for me. That I'm deluding myself that he really loves me?”

 

Sebastian took another snatched breath. He felt his chest going faster. His skin felt too tight and his heart was pounding.

“Sebastian, I'm trying to look out for you. I'm trying to help you take a moment to gain some perspective to make sure you're not rushing into something without considering the dangers.”

“Dangers?”

“I'm sure that Mark wouldn't intentionally mean to hurt you, but if you are pushing for something very full-on without really understanding what that means, you could be placing Mark in a very difficult position if he doesn't feel about you to the same extent.”

“You don't... you don't understand,” stammered Seb, knowing how it must look that he was crumbling so fast under questioning.

“I'm sure that Mark cares a great deal for you...”

“But that's all?” interrupted Sebastian. “And I'm some kind of child who just wants someone to look after them?”

He took another shuddery breath desperately trying not to show that he really _was_ _n't_ a pathetic child bursting into tears.

“No, Seb...”

“Is it really so terrible that I'm happy someone is being fucking _nice_ to me for once in my life?”

 

Of all things it was that that broke Seb. That he couldn't be allowed anything good. That Henry thought he wasn't worthy of having things work out for him. That anyone could ever truly love him as much as he loved them.

He felt himself go and hurriedly pushed himself up and grabbed his coat knowing he had to get out of there. Sebastian put his hand in front of himself as Dr. Menton stood up in response.

“Sebastian, please...”

 

Seb yanked the door open and shot from the room before Henry could stop him. He barely heard Dr. Menton shout his name trying to call him back as he stumbled down the stairs and out the door into the street where he stood for a moment gasping for air before forcing himself to walk hurriedly away in case his therapist was following him.

 

 

 

By the time Seb got back to his car tears were streaming down his cheeks. He didn't care if people around saw the state he was in. Sebastian managed to get into the car and hurriedly set off before he had time to pause and think of the wisdom of driving in this state.

He headed away on automatic pilot, not thinking about where he was going or how he was doing it. He brushed away the tears with his sleeve trying to see where he was going, but his breathing was getting worse and worse. By the time he got onto the 'A' road out of Oxford Seb knew he was slipping out of control. He was driving without thinking, his brain flooded with distress as he thought how his therapist had torn his perfect relationship with Mark apart, mentally arguing with himself as to whether that meant Henry was an ignorant fool, or whether he really knew him too well and must be right; that Seb had been the one fooling himself into believing he was happy, that he really loved Mark and that Mark loved him in return.

That last thought pushed him over the edge; Mark _did_ love him. He was sure of that. He was _sure_ of that. Mark had told him. He wouldn't lie to him. Mark would never lie to him, not even to make him feel better. Everything they'd been through. That had to be real. It had to be.

Sebastian felt what he was sure was a physical pain in his heart. His breathing slid completely away from him and he slewed across to the side of the road to screech to a halt on the hard shoulder of the dual carriageway.

His head fell forwards on the steering-wheel as the panic attack hit him full-on. He only just managed to shakily pull the hand-brake on to stop the car rolling, before Sebastian stopped functioning with any kind of clarity.

 

 

 

Seb didn't know how long a time had passed when he finally raised his head and remembered where he was. He tried to shut out thinking about what had upset him and found a water bottle in the door pocket to take a drink; his hands shaking and his breathing still erratic. He knew he needed air, so Sebastian opened the door and forced himself out of the car, standing up on wobbly legs and only properly appreciating his vulnerable position as a lorry sped past too close, the rush of air nearly knocking him over.

Sebastian used the car to steady himself as he made his way around to sit on the small grass bank at the side of the road. He pulled his knees up and tucked his head down into them, trying to calm down. He attempted to steady his breathing, but it was made difficult by the fact that the two people who had taught him how to do that were Dr. Menton and Mark and thinking of either one of them in that moment only made Seb more upset.

Only when he realised how cold he was and that it was starting to rain did he pull himself together enough to get back in the car and carry on, still not thinking much about what he was doing or where he was going. He found himself back at Mark's without consciously choosing to go there, but part of him knew that he had to know the truth.

 

 

 

 

As Seb walked into the lounge Mark started his greeting before he had fully turned his attention from the notes he was studying at on the coffee table in front of him.

“Hey. You're back then.”

Mark shot up seeing the state Seb was in.

“Oh my god. _Seb_. What's happened?”

Sebastian stood rooted to the spot. His face crumpled again as he saw the concern on Mark's face. It couldn't be true what Henry suggested.

“Mark,” Seb swallowed hard. “You love me don't you? Please, you have to. You wouldn't, wouldn't...”

Sebastian lost it again and started sobbing. Mark pulled him into his arms and held him tight as Seb pressed his face into his shoulder.

“Of course I do. You know I do. Why would you have to ask?”

Mark continued to hold onto him as he started stroking Seb's back trying to sooth him.

“Of course I love you Seb. Of course I love you.”

 

He waited while Sebastian slowed a little before lifting away to look at him.

“What happened? What's got you like this?” Mark implored.

Seb didn't think he could speak. He looked at the ground, still crying. Mark led him to the sofa and sat him down, facing into Sebastian, trying to read what was going on. He kept a hold of Seb's arm and with his other hand started trying to brush away the tears on his face.

“Seb please tell me what's wrong,” pleaded Mark. He knew Sebastian had been at his therapy session and wondered what they had been discussing to get Seb so upset.

“Come on Seb, you know how much I love you. Why are you having to ask? What's happened?”

 

Seb looked at Mark and thought how kind he was, how gentle. He was desperate to know that it wasn't just that Mark was being kind by being with him.

“You mean it? You wouldn't just say that?”

“Of course I do. Seb, why are you asking this?”

“You wouldn't just say it to make me feel better? Because I pushed you into it?”

Mark looked at him feeling slightly stunned. “What the hell? Seb why would you say that?”

“Henry. He, he said...” Sebastian dissolved again.

“What?” Mark tipped his head down into his eyeline, trying to get Sebastian to connect with him. “What did he say?”

Getting no coherent response Mark pushed again. “Seb, what has he been saying to get you in this state?”

Sebastian raised his arm to brush his eyes with his already wet sleeve.

“He said, he said that I pushed you, that you don't feel the same, that we rushed into this.”

Mark was taken aback. “He said that?”

Sebastian swallowed a few times trying to compose himself and remember properly.

“I, I don't know. I'm not sure exactly. I can't remember what he said.”

“But he implied it?”

Sebastian was too distraught to remember anything clearly.

“He just. He made me think...”

“Made you think what?”

 

Mark was trying to remain calm himself. If Dr. Menton had done this to Sebastian, Mark wasn't sure he'd be able to contain his anger towards him.

“That, that you couldn't really love me like I love you. That I didn't really understand what I thought I felt. That I just feel grateful towards you and I just depend on you to take care of me and I was confusing that with love.”

“Come on, it's not like that,” tried Mark.

“And you just feel sorry for me and I'd trapped you.”

 

Mark was angry now. How dare Seb's therapist presume to know how he felt.

“Seb no. Stop that now. _Don't,_ okay. You know that's not true. He doesn't know anything. He doesn't know me. How the hell does he know what I feel?”

Sebastian gave a tiny shrug. “I was trying to explain, but I kept getting it wrong. I couldn't make him understand.”

Mark shook his head. “Seb you don't _have_ to make him understand. It doesn't matter what he thinks. He's got no right to be saying things like that. To be putting ideas in your head, telling you what to think and what you're allowed to feel. That's bullshit. He's got no right.”

“Maybe he just knew. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm the one who thought that? I felt like he was looking inside me and pulling out all the worst things I didn't want to think.”

Mark sighed. “If you didn't want to think them doesn't that tell you something?”

“But doesn't that mean they were in my subconscious all along? I do worry about things.” Sebastian looked down as he confessed. “I have worried whether you felt the same. Doesn't that mean I don't trust you? And if I don't, then I don't deserve you.”

Mark huffed out a breath. “No. Seb everyone has fears, everyone has insecurities. Me included. You're completely normal.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Come on we've talked about this. I've told you. Do you think I'd lie to you? For any reason?”

“No.”

“Well then.”

Sebastian looked back up at Mark. “You wouldn't say stuff just to make me feel better?”

Mark shook his head. “Not if it wasn't true. I couldn't do that. Not to you. Not to me either.”

Sebastian nodded. He believed Mark. He trusted him.

“I felt like he was unpicking me at the seams. Unpicking us. Like everything that happened between us, like it wasn't real if I couldn't make him understand.”

“It doesn't matter if he understands. It doesn't matter what he thinks. Only you and I matter.”

 

Mark rubbed his hand up and down Sebastian's upper arm as he looked at him.

“I love you and you love me, and that's it. That's all that matters. What anyone else thinks doesn't count for anything,” insisted Mark.

He looked at Sebastian carefully. “You do love me don't you?”

“Of course I do,” rushed Seb.

“Well then nothing else matters,” asserted Mark.

“I'm sorry,” sniffed Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “You don't have to be sorry. I just can't believe he could get you like this.”

Seb shrugged. “I don't know why you'd love me when I'm such a screwed-up mess.”

He started crying again, loathing himself at the same time for being so weak and easily undone by a few words from his therapist.

“Ah _Seb,_ ” sighed Mark.

 

He hated seeing Sebastian like this. Hated knowing how low an opinion Seb held of himself. Mark pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close. Mark felt Sebastian shuddering against him as he cried, felt his heart beating too fast through his chest. Eventually he pulled him up to look at him.

“Seb take a deep breath okay. Don't work yourself up into a state,” Mark requested, thinking Sebastian had felt far too fragile.

Sebastian tried to, but he ended up gulping for air.

“Calm down, okay.”

Mark was rubbing his arm again, looking into Seb's eyes with concern.

“Just slow down and take some slow breaths,” he instructed.

 

Mark was relieved as Sebastian gradually slowed himself down. He reached out onto the table for his half drunk water and passed it to Seb.

“Sip that for a bit.”

Seb did as he was told and felt himself steady.

Mark shook his head.

“Don't scare me like that, okay mate. I thought you were going to have an attack,” he confessed.

Seb passed Mark back the water and admitted, “on the way home I had to stop.”

Mark put the drink down and frowned at him. “What do you mean?”

He looked at Seb. “You had an attack?”

“I couldn't breathe. I had to pull over and get out.”

“Oh Christ. Seb, are you alright?”

Sebastian nodded. “I'm okay now. I'm not sure how long I was there,” he confessed.

 

Mark's nostrils flared with anger. How could Seb's own bloody doctor get him in this state and then send him away and let that happen? It was irresponsible. It was dangerous. What the hell kind of professional was he to do that?

“I think I just got here on auto-pilot,” continued Sebastian.

Mark pulled himself back. “Well doesn't that tell you everything you need to know Seb?”

Seb looked at him wondering what he meant.

Mark raised his hand up and stroked it against the side of Sebastian's face.

“That this is where you automatically came? Hmm?”

“I guess.”

“You're there worrying that your subconscious isn't sure about this, but that's what brought you here, isn't it? What do you think it was thinking?”

Sebastian spoke before taking time to analyse. “That this is where I needed to be.”

Mark nodded encouragingly.

“That this is home, this is where I belong, that I needed you,” Seb continued. That last made his chest feel tight and he squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to cry again.

Mark leant his forehead over to rest against Sebastian's and spoke very quietly.

“That's all you need to know. That's all I need to know.”

 

Mark moved back and sighed. He placed his hand at Seb's temple. “What you think in here,” he moved his hand to place it over Sebastian's heart, “is the same that you feel in here.”

He gave Seb a soft smile. “Don't let anyone tell you any different. And don't believe anyone who tells you that it's not the same for me. Okay?”

Sebastian nodded. “Okay.”

He sat forwards and threw his arms around Mark who put his back around him and held him in until he thought he was settled.

 

Mark shook his head. “I can't believe he got you into such a state.”

“I'm sorry,” apologised Sebastian, sitting up slightly.

Mark furrowed his brow. “No, I mean him. This is his fault. He's meant to be a psychiatrist for gods sake. He should have known better.”

“You're not angry with me for doubting you, for doubting us?” checked Sebastian.

“No. I'm pretty bloody angry with him, but I'm not angry with you, of course not,” reassured Mark.

“I think maybe I wasn't. Maybe, I don't know, maybe I was doubting the situation?” offered Seb.

Mark frowned at him. “What do you mean?”

“That it was all too good to be true.”

 

Mark frowned even more, thinking about how Sebastian saw the world.

“Too good for you, you mean?”

Seb pressed his lips together tightly and sat up to gave a half shrug.

“Because you don't deserve it?”

Sebastian gave another shrug and looked down.

“Because that's what happens. When I think I've got something, and it's everything I ever wanted, and...” he stopped, not wishing to admit more.

“And? Like what do you mean?”

Mark was sure Sebastian couldn't mean Heikki.

“Like in 2013, when I won and it was so much. Too much really. Too much success. Everyone hated me for it.”

Mark interrupted, “that's not true Seb, just some idiots, they were jealous.”

Sebastian shook his head, “I worked all my life for that. Thinking that was what I wanted, that it was everything I needed and that it would make me happy, and it did for a while, it was enough to keep me going, but they, they...”

He thought he was going to crumble again. He took a deep breath before carrying on.

“... they took it away from me. They said I wasn't worth it. That I hadn't earned it. I wasn't good enough. It was just the car and the team and not me.”

“Seb,” interjected Mark.

“And last year just proved them right,” insisted Sebastian.

“No Seb. That's not true. Last year was always going to be tough with all the changes and the car wasn't good enough.”

“It was good enough for Dan.”

“So he adapted faster. He was starting from scratch. Almost anyway. And you had so much bad luck Seb. Nothing you could do about that,” asserted Mark.

“I suppose,” ceded Sebastian.

“No suppose about it. One rough year doesn't undo everything else you've achieved. Don't pay any attention to people who've got nothing better to do than judge others when they've not achieved anything themselves. All those journos spouting their supposedly expert opinions when they've never sat in a damn race car in their lives. They haven't got a fucking clue mate. Okay?”

“Okay,” allowed Seb.

“They can't take what you have achieved away from you unless you let them Seb, alright? You know how hard you worked for that. They don't. They've no idea how many hours you put in with the engineers or on the sim, or staying late at the track to go over things and prepare. What you gave up to get there.”

 _What it took from you,_ thought Mark. _What it did to you._

“They've no idea at all,” continued Mark. “And they've no bloody idea what you were going through at the time mate. No one did. I'd never have believed it myself that someone could do that; that you could focus and achieve so much with all that god-awful shit going on in the background. I still don't know how you did that.”

“I didn't have any choice,” insisted Seb.

Mark huffed a humourless laugh.

“Yeah you did mate. You could have given up, fallen apart, like anyone else would have done. And if anyone had known they wouldn't have blamed you. But you didn't. You stuck at it. You didn't give in.”

“It was the only thing I had,” admitted Seb.

“That doesn't make it less Seb. That makes it _more_ impressive,” asserted Mark.

“You know I think back to 2012, in Brazil, when it came down to the last race. All that pressure on you and everything that happened at the start: Getting hit, facing the wrong bloody way, left right at the back, the car damaged, complete fucking disaster.”

Mark shook his head giving Sebastian a smile of near disbelief.

“Everything was against you. You might as well have given up, everyone would have understood, most people would have lost all hope and called it a day. But you didn't. You kept going, even when it seemed impossible. You didn't give up did you?”

Seb shrugged again. “No.”

Of course he hadn't. The idea was unthinkable.

“You'd never have given up would you?”

Sebastian shook his head. “I couldn't do that.”

Mark smiled at him. “You don't even know how remarkable that makes you. How strong you are.”

Mark took Seb's hand and squeezed it.

“You don't give up. Even when everything is against you. You keep going, keep scrapping.”

Mark gave a little laugh. “Even back then when it wasn't you I wanted to win, I had to admire that. It was impossible not to mate. You earned it. You earned that championship, and you earned all the others, even if they didn't look as hard. It was still you that did that.”

“I did have a great car,” conceded Sebastian.

“So what? How many champions won without a great car?”

Seb shrugged.

“Senna in '88 in that McLaren that won everything, that wiped the floor with the rest of the grid. Does that mean he didn't deserve it? Does that mean Prost was shit because he didn't beat him?”

“Guess not,” ceded Seb.

“Course not. And you beat me.”

“No, Mark...” started Sebastian wanting to defend him, to repeat what he knew about how RedBull had favoured him.

“It's okay,” Mark smiled and shrugged. “I don't even care any more. I don't. I achieved plenty to be proud of and that's okay.”

 

Mark thought about how he had cared for so long and how surprisingly easy it was to let all that go. He could have spent the rest of his life letting his regrets eat him up, being bitter, feeling a failure. But he didn't care now. All he cared about was Seb. That Seb knew what he was worth, what he meant to him and why.

“Really?” checked Sebastian.

“Yeah mate. Do I lie to you?”

“No.”

Not even to make him feel better. Mark didn't lie to him.

“I've got plenty more chances to achieve things.”

“Of course you have, you're going to do great this year,” stated Sebastian.

Mark smiled. “Well thank you mate, but that wasn't really my point. My point was you deserve what you've achieved. You're a stubborn bugger. You don't give up. You're incredibly strong. You're an incredible person, and that's why I love you.”

 

Mark hugged him again and Sebastian slid sideways against him so he could sit pressed up into Mark with his arm over his shoulder the way he liked. Mark squeezed him in and kissed the top of his head.

“One of the reasons,” continued Mark.

“Yeah?” pressed Sebastian.

Mark smiled. “Yeah, plus you make me laugh.”

“You make me laugh too,” echoed Sebastian.

“Well that's good,” agreed Mark, giving him another squeeze before whispering in his ear, “that and I fancy the pants off you.”

Sebastian let out a little laugh. “You're not so bad yourself.”

Mark tickled Seb's side with his spare hand.

“Thank you mate, I'm very flattered.”

Seb laughed again and then lifted his head properly to rest his chin up to Mark's shoulder.

“You know I liked you right from the beginning?” Sebastian revealed.

“Oh?” Mark smiled at him teasingly.

Seb scrunched his nose. “How could I not? I turned up at the team and there was you, all handsome and self-confident, hanging around the garage. You seemed to have it all together.”

Mark grinned. “Handsome?”

Seb smiled. “Yeah. I mean I'm not sure I'd put it all together in my head, but I spent the whole time trying to show off to you, trying to impress you.”

Mark countered wryly. “'fraid that may have backfired a bit mate.”

“Yeah well...”

“Will you be offended if I tell you I didn't fancy you back then?” asked Mark.

Seb gave a little shrug. At least Mark was being honest.

“You were just a kid. I'd have felt a right creep.”

“I was twenty-one.”

Mark laughed. “Yeah. Like I say; a kid. And you were pretty annoying.”

“Sorry.”

Mark squeezed Seb again. “Water under the bridge mate, we both made mistakes, but yeah you did wind me up a fair bit, and it got worse and worse. You always got under my skin, without even trying, without even really doing anything half the time.”

Mark slid him a smile. “You know if I'd had half a brain I might have realised what that meant.”

 

Sebastian reached his arm over to pull himself tighter and buried his face into Mark for a minute, before looking back up at him.

“You're not sorry I came along and messed up your nice straight-forward life then?”

“Straight-forward and boring and _empty_ mate, empty.”

Mark sounded more serious again as he looked at Sebastian with complete sincerity.

 

Seb pressed back into him. The way Mark said that he almost felt like crying again, but for quite the opposite reasons to before.

“I'll take complicated over that,” confirmed Mark. “I'll never be sorry, alright. I'll always be glad I've got you.”

He squeezed Seb and looked down to see his face. “I have got you, right?”

Seb looked up. “Of course you have. Always. I love you.”

“Good. I love you too.”

He kissed Seb on the forehead.

“And that's all that matters. What anyone else thinks doesn't count for shit. Okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian.

He leant against Mark and breathed him in. Seb didn't know how he could ever have had the slightest doubt about what either one of them felt.

 

Mark gave him a squeeze and then moved his head to look at him.

“You sure you're okay? I can't believe you had an attack on the way home, that's awful Seb.”

The thought of Seb being struck by a panic attack when he was alone appalled Mark. He couldn't bare to think of Sebastian needing him and him not being there.

“Why didn't you call me?” asked Mark.

Sebastian leaned up a little and gave another shrug.

Mark puffed out a breath. “You should have called me mate. You know I'd have come right away.”

Seb nodded.

Mark stroked Seb's hair for a moment.

“You know I'll always be there if you need me,” reminded Mark softly.

Sebastian gave him a smile. “What if I was on the other side of the world?”

Mark returned his smile. “Then I would jump on the next plane.”

Seb huffed a laugh. “I'll try not to need that.”

“Yeah well, as long as you know I would, alright?”

Sebastian nodded. “Thank you. And likewise.”

Mark shook his head. “Oh dear, what are we going to do when the season starts? I already hate it when you're away.”

“Me too. At least you'll be in Melbourne.”

“Wouldn't miss it,” agreed Mark.

He smiled at Sebastian. Probably best not to focus on the difficulties that lay ahead of them right now, he thought.

 

 

They sat there wrapped up in one another for a while before Mark finally sat up.

“Right then, do you want me to make you a cup of tea or something?”

“Hmm?” replied Sebastian still pulling himself properly together. “Oh, no thanks. You know I think I might go have a bath, chill out for a bit.”

“Good idea,” agreed Mark.

“'kay then.”

Seb leant over and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“I'm sorry I got so upset,” apologised Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “You don't need to be sorry. Okay?”

Seb nodded and let Mark give him another hug before taking himself off upstairs.

 

 

Mark watched Sebastian walk from the room before letting out a long puff of air. It had been such a long time since Seb had suffered an attack. He tried to think back. It must be six months. Mark rubbed his face and then ran his fingers though his hair. He couldn't stand the idea of Seb having been on his own and unable to call him.

The more he thought about it, the angrier Mark got with Dr. Menton. What the hell had he been playing at? It didn't matter that Seb couldn't recall exactly what he had said, whatever it was had been enough. Henry must have known all the right buttons to press. Why the hell would his own psychologist have done that to him? The whole point was to make Seb feel better, not worse. Surely he must have known what effect it would have on him?

Mark flexed his hands trying to dissipate his anger. It wasn't really working. He couldn't concentrate. He looked at the papers spread across the coffee table in front of him and knew there was no way he was going to be able to finish off his work now, so he tidied them up and piled them back into the folder to take them back through to his study.

 

 

 

Sebastian slid into the water and let the warmth envelop him. He grabbed up a towel from the floor and folded it to rest behind his head so he could comfortably lie back and relax. He closed his eyes and decided not to think about anything at all. Everything was okay and just as it should be. He let out a nice long sigh and felt calmed.

 

 

 

Mark found himself patrolling the study getting more and more annoyed with how unprofessional Seb's therapist had been. It was unacceptable, completely unacceptable. He shook himself, knowing that in his own way that he was working himself up just the same as Sebastian did. It was no good.

He decided to go up and check that Seb was okay.

 

Mark went upstairs and tapped on the not quite closed bathroom door.

“Seb, you okay in there?”

Sebastian opened up his eyes, drawing back his mind from its pleasant drifting.

“Hmm? Yep.”

“Alright to come in?” checked Mark.

Seb gave a little laugh at the idea that he might have anything to hide from Mark these days.

“Course.”

 

Mark stuck his head around the door and smiled at the sight. Seb looked far happier and unstressed now. He walked over and ducked down at the side of the bath to talk to him.

“Better?”

Seb sat up a little.

“Much. Thank you.”

He smiled at Mark.”Maybe too much. I was so relaxed then I nearly fell asleep.”

“Well that won't do. Can't have you drowning in the bath,” suggested Mark.

“Would you be sad?” teased Sebastian.

“Very,” replied Mark.

“What if I got in with you to make sure that doesn't happen?” suggested Mark.

 

 _Oh,_ thought Seb. They'd never done that before, but then it wasn't really any different to being in bed together.

“Umm, yeah okay.”

“Yeah?” checked Mark.

“Yeah,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Good. I could do with a bit of relaxing myself,” admitted Mark.

He stripped off his clothes and stood by the bath looking at Sebastian.

“Well shift up then,” instructed Mark.

No way his long legs were fitting in if he sat in front of Seb.

Sebastian did just that, wondering if it would feel weird to squash into the bath together. But as soon as Mark settled down, squeezing his legs either side of him, Seb realised that it didn't feel so strange. How could it when it was just him and Mark?

 

“Good job I've got skinny chicken legs,” pointed out Mark.

“They're lovely,” insisted Sebastian.

He kissed Mark's right knee and felt Mark laugh behind him.

“I'm glad you think so mate. Got a few scars.”

Seb stroked his finger over the little scar on the lower part of his knee, thinking about how hard Mark must have had to fight to get fit again after his accident a few years back.

“Perfect,” stated Seb.

“Hardly,” discounted Mark.

He rubbed Sebastian's shoulders.

“Lean back. I just want to relax,” enjoined Mark, and Sebastian did as he was asked.

Seb thought it did feel a little odd to lie with his back to Mark like this, almost lying on top of him, but as soon as Mark wrapped his arms around him it felt fine. Sebastian folded his arms up to cover Mark's and tilted his head to the side to lean on his chest; perfect.

 

Mark rested his head back and felt Seb relax into him, glad that he seemed to really be okay now. He was still annoyed with Dr. Menton, but he tried to let that go in favour of concentrating on how good it was to hold Sebastian like this.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes again and thought he might just melt away into Mark. He could completely leave the world behind now, he couldn't come to any harm with Mark there.

 

 

After some time Mark lifted his head to check on Seb who hadn't made any discernible movements in a while. His eyes were closed and his arms were limp against him. Mark thought he might have fallen asleep. He knew that after an attack Sebastian was usually physically exhausted by the strain of it. He let out a sigh thinking how long it had been since he'd had to consider that. If he actually saw Dr. Menton, Mark thought he might kill him.

Mark pushed the thought away and returned to Sebastian.

“Seb?” Mark tested.

He got nothing in reply. Mark considered it was probably good that he hadn't left Sebastian on his own in here.

“Seb,” repeated Mark a little more firmly, sitting up a bit as he did so.

Sebastian dozily shifted his head as he reconnected.

“Hmmph,” mumbled Sebastian.

He had been asleep. Sebastian turned a little, letting go of Mark to look at him, scrunching up his face to try to rouse himself.

Mark smiled. Sleepy Seb was about the cutest thing he could think of.

“Wake up, the water's going cold and we're getting all wrinkily soaking here.”

Sebastian pulled a face, unwilling to give up the lovely peaceful feeling he'd had.

Mark pushed Seb to sit up, still half turned towards him which was rather awkward given the lack of room.

“That's your cue to say I'm already wrinkly,” noted Mark.

Seb shook his head. “You're not, you're lovely.”

“You must still be asleep,” laughed Mark. “Come on, we need to get out. You can go crash for a bit if you want, but you're not staying in here, you'll drown.”

“'kay,” relented Sebastian, forcing himself to turn back and push up against the sides of the bath for leverage so he could get out.

 

Mark actually had to give him a hand as Seb climbed out. He felt dog tired and let Mark wrap a towel around him to dry him off before going into the bedroom to flop onto the bed without even bothering to get re-dressed.

Mark stood in the doorway and Sebastian raised his head just enough to look at him.

“You're not joining me?” he asked.

“No, I'll go make a start on dinner. You come down and join me when you feel like it,” responded Mark.

“Mm, okay,” offered Seb, not awake enough to be disappointed to be left alone. He pulled the duvet around him like a cocoon and was so warm and snug that he instantly fell back asleep.

 

 

 

Mark put the tray into the oven and paced around the kitchen for a while trying to distract himself. He considered going back up to Seb, but he was still too wired and he didn't want to disturb him. He picked up his phone and scrolled through the contacts. He knew he shouldn't. He stared at the number for a while and then exited it and put the phone in his pocket.

He went through to his study and looked at the file of prep notes for Porsche that he had been going through earlier and wondered if he could go back to reading through them to take his mind off things, but he only got as far as opening the file before being reminded as to what it was that had interrupted him going through them in the first place.

Mark pulled his phone back out and knew he shouldn't do it. He knew it wasn't his place, that it wasn't right, but then what had happened earlier today wasn't right either. The anger and frustration was welling up in him again. He went back to the number and hit dial.

 

“Hello. Dr. Henry Menton speaking.”

“ _Dr._ Menton.” Mark's voice emphasised the word with irony. Some fucking doctor, thought Mark.

“This is Mark, Seb's boyfriend, and I'd like to know what the hell you thought you were playing at today?”

Henry stopped. This couldn't be good. He'd considered calling Sebastian to check that he was okay, but suspected he wouldn't have had a very welcome reception. Their session today had been a complete disaster.

Dr. Menton sighed. “Mark, I'm sorry, I can't discuss this with you.”

“Yes you fucking can mate,” bit Mark angrily.

“No Mark I can't,” replied Henry calmly. “There are rules of confidentiality. Is Sebastian there? I can speak with him if he wishes.”

Dr. Menton's calm voice only wound Mark up further. He didn't seem to appreciate what he had done at all.

“Seb's upstairs. He's worn out.”

Suddenly Mark felt hit sideways by the fact that Sebastian was so knocked out by what he had been through. His voice caught as he spoke.

“Have you any idea what you did to him today? Any _idea?_ He was in a right state when he came home. He was in pieces. You did that. Seb left here completely fine and when he comes back he's like that.”

 

Henry rubbed his spare hand against his beard. _Damn_. He had anticipated as much. He should have tried harder to get Sebastian to come back and calm him down.

“You're supposed to be a fucking psychiatrist,” continued Mark. “What the hell did you say to him to get him like that?”

“Mark you know I cannot discuss Seb...” tried Dr. Menton.

“No,” interrupted Mark. “No, you fucking will. You tell me what you damn well said to him. I want to know what you were thinking.”

“Mark,” sighed Henry.

“You of all people should know what Seb's like. You must have known whatever the hell you said would upset him. How could you do that to him?”

“I assure you I was trying to act in Sebastian's best interests,” insisted Dr. Menton.

Mark gave a bitter laugh. “Do you just want him messed up so you still have a patient to treat. Is that it?”

Henry was taken aback by the accusation. “Of course not. Mark. I only ever try to help Sebastian.”

“I appreciate that today did not go according to plan,” conceded Dr. Menton.

 

Mark balled his hand into a fist at the side of him as he paced up and down like a trapped tiger. He wanted to reach down the phone and tear at Dr. Menton for hurting Seb.

“Not go according to plan?” echoed Mark in disgust. “What the hell was the plan? To totally undermine him when he is happy? To destroy his trust in me? To leave him in such distress that he had a fucking panic attack on the way home?”

“Shit,” let out Henry.

 

Mark's voice cracked. “That's what you did to him. You left him having an attack at the side of the _fucking_ road. All on his own. He couldn't even call me.”

He took sharp breath in, trying not to cry himself. The idea of Seb in pain and alone destroyed Mark.

 

 _Shit, shit, shit,_ thought Henry. He should have known that Sebastian was heading towards having an attack when he'd got upset in his office. He should have done more to stop him.

“I'm sorry Mark. I promise you I was trying to help Seb,” asserted Dr. Menton.

“Help him?” repeated Mark. “How the fuck was that helping him?”

“Mark I really can't get into what went on in the session. If Sebastian wants to talk to me I will speak with him.”

“No. There's no fucking way you're talking to him right now and getting him worked up again. I won't let you do that to him.”

Mark shook his head. “I've only just got him calmed down. I've spent the last few hours trying to put him back together again after you ripped him to shreds, so no thank you.”

He sighed with frustration. “You've no idea how hard it's been to convince Seb what he's worth to me. How much he means to me. You _know_ how insecure he is. How could you do that to him?”

“Mark all I can say is that I was genuinely trying to help him.”

“By putting ideas in his head that he forced me into this and that I don't really love him? Hmm?” pressed Mark angrily. “By telling him that I just feel sorry for him and this was just something he couldn't understand what he felt himself?”

 

The rage was boiling up in Mark, he knew he should end the call, he knew he would say things he might regret and that Seb would be unhappy that he had interfered, but he was past stopping himself.

“How dare you. How fucking dare you presume to know how I feel about Seb. You don't know me. You've no idea how much I love him. How long I waited, trying to tell him.”

Mark gave a bitter laugh. “You think we rushed into this? It took us a year, a whole year. Does that sound like rushing to you?”

 

Henry didn't know what to say. He'd only ever had half the story. Clearly he had misinterpreted a lot of what Sebastian had told him about Mark's feelings towards him if things had really been going on that long.

“I'm sorry Mark. Obviously I'm never going to have the whole picture. My concern is for my patient.”

“Yeah well he's my only concern too, alright?”

“That much I appreciate Mark. I do know that you care for him,” asserted Dr. Menton.

Mark stopped himself for a moment.

“Do you think that's all it is? You don't really think I get off on Seb needing me to care for him? He's not a child. He makes his own choices.”

“Mark...”

“No I think you need to hear this. If I'd just wanted someone who needed me to look after them, I could have made a move on Seb a year ago. I could have taken advantage of how vulnerable he was then.”

 

The very concept stabbed at Mark's heart. How terrible that would have been. It had been so hard to resist and do what was right. He still couldn't stand the idea that someone could have swooped in and preyed on Sebastian back then.

 

“But I couldn't do that. It wouldn't have been right. He wasn't ready and maybe neither was I. We had to wait.”

Mark let out a dark little laugh, “and you've no idea how hard that was, believe me. We had to wait until it was the right time, until he was doing better and in a good place and we could be equal. _That's_ what I want, okay?”

 

Mark let out a long breath. He understood now what Seb had said about wanting to make Dr. Menton understand. He was doing exactly the same thing.

“I'm glad to hear that Mark. As I say. I'm sorry Sebastian got upset. I could have handled today better, I admit. I will speak to him when he's ready.”

Dr. Menton paused before saying something he knew he probably shouldn't.

“I sincerely hope that however much you disapprove of me, that you won't stand in the way of Sebastian seeing me in future?” he queried.

Mark was clearly very angry and it wasn't hard to guess at the influence he held over Sebastian.

Mark looked at the ceiling for a moment. Dr. Menton really didn't know him at all.

“That will be Seb's call, not mine. He does what he wants,” insisted Mark. “Please don't presume to know me when you don't. I would never do anything to stand in Seb's way.”

“I'm glad to hear it,” replied Henry.

 

Mark thought Dr. Menton's unbothered tone would drive him insane if he had to listen to it for hour after hour as Sebastian had done. He had barely reacted to Mark yelling at him. He hoped he had got his message across.

“Don't think that means I'm okay with you interfering in our relationship again. I won't have you judging us or putting ridiculous notions in Seb's head and upsetting him, because I swear to god if you do to him again what you did today...”

“Mark!”

Mark swung around to see Sebastian stood in the doorway. All the outrage at Dr. Menton immediately disappeared as he saw the shocked look on Seb's face.

“Sorry. I didn't mean that last. I've got to go.”

Mark hung up before Dr. Menton had time to respond.

 

Sebastian walked into the room and took the phone out of his hand.

“Mark who were you talking to?”

Seb already knew the answer.

“How long were you stood there?” asked Mark.

“Long enough,” admitted Sebastian. He'd heard a raised voice from upstairs and gone to see what was happening. He couldn't help standing and listening to some of Mark's tirade unannounced.

“I didn't mean to earwig,” defended Seb.

Mark took the phone back from Sebastian and dumped it on the desk, sitting to rest against it.

“I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have done that. I was just too bloody pissed off to let it go,” confessed Mark.

 

Sebastian stood close in front of Mark. He knew a part of him at least should be annoyed at Mark interfering, but he wasn't at all. Hearing Mark standing up for him like that was incredible.

“Sorry,” repeated Mark.

Seb shook his head. “It's okay. How did you even have his number?”

He knew full well who Mark had been speaking to.

Mark shrugged. “You gave me it ages ago, just in case.”

Seb nodded, vaguely remembering. The detail hardly mattered.

“I lost my rag, sorry. I'll call him back and apologise if you want me to?”

Sebastian let out a little laugh. “Is it terrible if I don't want you to?”

Mark smiled and looked at Seb, a little surprised he wasn't annoyed at him.

“No.”

“Good.”

Sebastian felt like welling up again. He couldn't remember anyone defending him quite like that before. He moved closer to Mark and threw his arms around his neck. He clung on to him as Mark wrapped his arms back around Seb and held onto him.

 

 

After a while Mark pulled back a little and Seb looked up at him.

Mark gave him a wry smile. “See I'm not so perfect after all.”

Seb smiled back. “Yes you are.”

Mark gave a dry laugh. “No I'm really not. I shouldn't have done that. I got wound up and lost my temper.”

He stopped abruptly, wondering if his show of anger might have disturbed Sebastian. “You know I'd never do that to you, okay?”

Sebastian nodded. He did know. There was a difference between Mark being angry on his behalf and Mark being angry with him. He couldn't imagine that happening.

“Just as long as you're in my corner?”

“Always.”

Mark placed a hand either side of Seb's face and kissed him before leaning in to rest their foreheads together, finally feeling at peace.

 

He sat back and took hold of Sebastian's hands.

“You know I'm really not perfect at all Seb. I get frustrated about stuff and it spills over and I end up getting just as emotional as you do. It just comes out in a different way.”

“That's okay,” stated Sebastian.

“And I worry about things too you know. You're not the only one,” asserted Mark.

Seb frowned at him. “Like what?”

Mark shrugged. “I don't know. I'm older than you. Doesn't that bother you?”

“No.”

“Maybe it will one day?”

“No. It won't. You'll still be you. That's all I care about.”

“Maybe one day you won't need me any more?”

That was a terrible dark fear that Mark had hardly even admitted to himself; that one day Sebastian might out-grow him and move on.

“ _Mark._ ” Seb shook his head. “I'll always need you. I hate being apart from you. I'm miserable.”

Mark sighed. “Well I don't want that.”

“I know. I try not to be, but I miss just being with you. I miss hanging around in the kitchen drinking tea and talking about nothing. I miss taking the dogs out for walks. I miss our runs and our pointless staying out getting coffee when we've got perfectly good coffee at home,”

Mark smiled at that. It was just part of their routine, part of their history, it didn't matter if it was pointless.

“I miss sitting with you on the sofa watching TV. I miss _being_ with you. I miss all the silly little things that wouldn't make sense to anyone but us,” continued Seb, thinking of everything he longed for when he lay awake in hotel rooms far away.

Mark loved that they were an 'us'. It made him feel warm inside to know that they belonged together.

“That's what I missed too when I was away,” he agreed.

Seb grinned happily. “See? That's why you're still perfect to me.”

“It's not the mind-blowing sex then?” teased Mark.

Sebastian burst out laughing before replying in a dead-pan voice. “Well obviously when I'm away I miss that too.”

Mark laughed in return. “That's very reassuring mate.”

 

“So we're okay then?” checked Mark.

“Yeah, we're good. Although I'm pretty sure you said you were coming down to make dinner?” accused Sebastian light-heartedly.

“I did,” insisted Mark, before remembering how long ago that was. His face dropped. “Oh shit!”

 

He moved aside and belted out of the room. By the time Seb caught up with him in the kitchen Mark was pulling a smoking tray out of the oven.

“Damn!”

Mark stared at the charred remains.

Sebastian came over and looked over his shoulder.

“I thought that was my job?”

Mark turned and rolled his eyes at Seb, who in fairness was far better at cooking these days.

“Pasta?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark went and disposed of the burnt food into the bin.

He shrugged at Seb. “Pasta I guess.”

Sebastian smiled and went over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“I'll do it,” offered Sebastian.

He felt oddly happy at the imperfectness of their ordinary life. It was perfect.

 

 

 

 

They sat around in the lounge after dinner and a short walk out with the dogs who now sat at their feet. They'd been sat there a while before Seb sat up from leaning into Mark.

“I've had an idea,” started Sebastian.

Mark raised an eyebrow. “Sounds dangerous.”

Seb pushed his elbow into Mark. “No, shush, it's a good idea. Well maybe...”

Mark turned to the side to look at him. “Go on then?”

“Okay so I have to go back for testing later in the week.”

“Hmm?” Mark wasn't wild about being reminded about that.

“So I thought you could come with me? Unless you can't for work or something?”

Mark looked surprised. “Seriously?”

Seb frowned. “Is it a stupid idea?”

“Umm, no, it's a lovely idea. But Seb, me going to a race is one thing. No one's going to be surprised to see me at Albert Park, but I'd stand out like a sore thumb at testing when there's no one there but the teams.”

“No, I don't mean come to the track. I mean, I'd like that, obviously, but I just meant to stay with me,” explained Sebastian.

“Right.” Mark didn't want to dismiss his suggestion, but he couldn't ignore reality. “Seb everyone's going to be staying at the same hotel by the circuit...”

“We could not stay there. We could stay in the city. It's not so far away. I could ask Christian. I mean tell him. There's no reason he should object is there?”

“I guess not,” agreed Mark.

“I know I'd be leaving you on your own all day, so it's a pretty rubbish deal.”

Mark smiled. “Well no, that would be okay.”

Seb beamed at him. “Really? You'd come? You don't have to work?”

“I could take my work with me, that'd keep me busy enough.”

 

It was only reading up on notes, he could do that as well in Barcelona as Buckinghamshire. He could take his laptop, he'd have his phone, the team could reach him if they needed him.

“You don't think Christian would mind?”

“Are you planning on telling him why?”

Sebastian shrugged. He still hadn't made any progress talking to his boss about all this.

Mark intervened. It didn't matter, he didn't want to make Seb feel bad about it.

“It's fine. I'm sure he won't care. All the team are bothered about is you turning up in the garage on time.”

“So?”

“Yeah okay then. Let's do it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, fuck it, why not?”

 

Sebastian was thrilled. He leant over and hugged Mark.

Mark smiled and hugged him back. Such a little thing to make Seb so happy, it tugged at his heart.

They only wanted to spend time together, nothing out of the ordinary, and yet he was already calculating the likelihood of the team being suspicious or anyone seeing them in the city. It wasn't fair that they should have to feel guilty.

 

Seb moved back. “I had another thought too.”

“Uh oh,” joked Mark.

Seb pulled a face in retaliation before continuing.

“I finish on Saturday, so I thought maybe we could come back via visiting my family.”

“To tell them about us?”

“To tell them about us,” confirmed Sebastian.

Mark nodded. They really were making progress.

“You're still okay to come with me?” asked Sebastian.

“Of course,” consented Mark.

“Brilliant,” smiled Seb. “I'll sort it all out in the morning.”

 

He settled into Mark's side happily thinking how wonderful it would be to get back from testing at the end of the day and have Mark waiting for him. It would be good to see his family too, he'd left that for far too long.

Sebastian thought of something and sat back up.

“Oh, umm Mark.” Seb felt slightly abashed.

“Yeah?”

“I should warn you in advance that given that I'm going to be spending all day in an F1 car, there will definitely be no sex the night before.”

Mark snorted with laughter. “Fair enough mate.” The Circuit de Catalunya _was_ rather bumpy.

“Yeah?” checked Sebastian. It was an awkward thing to mention, but far better now than once they were already there.

“Course. It's good you're not luring me there under false pretences.”

“Right.”

Seb was was pretty certain Mark was teasing him so he didn't feel uncomfortable.

“So we're good?” he double-checked.

“Course we're good. It'll be nice to get away.” Mark raised one eyebrow, “and what with the promise of killing time waiting around on you all day, for the reward of no sex when you get back, who could resist?”

“ _Mark._ ”

“I'm winding you up Seb. It'll be great. It's a really good idea.”

 

Mark put his arm back around Sebastian and pulled him closer.

“I'll just be glad to be with you,” confirmed Mark softly.

Seb smiled up at him. He defied Henry to prove Mark wasn't perfect.

 

 

A few minutes passed before Mark piped up again.

“So on a scale of one to ten, how surprised do you think your family will be?” wondered Mark.

Seb gave a little shrug. “Umm, not sure really.”

“Guess we're about to find out.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian, they were.

He was really only sure of one thing; his sisters were going to be absolutely unbearable once they found out that they'd been right them all along.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I guess we knew someone or something was going to come along and try to burst their bubble eventually? Who had money on Dr. Menton?


	33. Such A Beautiful Horizon

 

Arriving at their hotel in Barcelona, Mark wondered how it was that Seb seemed so relaxed about them checking in together to the same room when he was instantly wondering what the receptionist would think, whether she recognised their names, whether she was likely to say something to anyone. Sebastian instead simply seemed thrilled that they were there together.

He shook his head internally, Seb had the right attitude; the girl probably neither knew nor cared who they were, hotel staff doubtless saw all kinds of things go on. It wasn't in their interests to expose their guests' secrets, discretion was everything in their world. He was worrying over nothing.

Sebastian had told him that Christian hadn't questioned him over his request to stay away from the track. Mark suspected he had decided it was in the best interests of the team to keep their driver happy by allowing Seb whatever he wanted. That was all he wanted to do too. Seb deserved to be happy and Mark was going to do all he could to ensure it. So no worrying about things while they were here; No worrying about whether people would see them together, no worrying about what they were going to do in future about going public, no worrying about what Seb's family's reaction was going to be (Mark was pretty comfortable with how that was likely to go anyway). The idea of coming here was to allow Seb to concentrate on his work preparing for the new season at testing without feeling unhappy away from the track. So Mark was here to support him and that was what he intended to do.

 

Seb turned to Mark at the front desk.

“Okay?”

Mark brought himself back to the moment.

“Sure. We all good then?” checked Mark.

“Yep. All set.”

Sebastian handed him one of the key-cards and they headed over to the lifts to go up to find their room.

 

Seb stood in the lift smiling over at Mark. He could hardly believe that he got this; he got to have Mark with him while he had to be away testing. The first two tests had been something he'd had to endure, now he could actually enjoy himself because he had the one thing he wanted; Mark. He'd come all the way with him just to make him happy. It was so amazing. Sebastian looked over at Mark and got a smile back. He stood there thinking how he'd never have believed he could get this lucky in life.

 

 

Sebastian swung the door open and they walked into their room, dumping their bags on the floor.

Mark looked about and coughed. “Seb, how much did this room cost?”

It certainly wasn't your basic standard room; A large double bed took up a fair amount of space, but beyond that there was a living area with a comfortable sofa and huge wide screen TV and over to the side there was a desk for working.

Seb shrugged. “I wanted somewhere nice. My treat seeing as you're coming here for me.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head thinking that was code for 'a small fortune'. He ducked his head into the bathroom and flicked the light on to check it out: Very nice, no shortage of room in there either.

 

Mark walked over to where Sebastian was looking out of the window.

“Look at the view,” instructed Seb, happily doing just that.

Mark looked. Through the large window you could see out over the old town and it seemed half the city; Impressive.

He smiled at Seb. “Very nice mate.”

Seb beamed at him and looked back at the room. “You like it then?”

“Course,” agreed Mark.

It certainly was very nice, big but not ostentatious and fairly low key despite its size. Seb had good taste and it wasn't as though they were short of money.

 

Seb scanned around, pleased that what he saw matched what he'd chosen online. The room had cost a fair bit which he wasn't really used to having to deal with given that the team always organised everything on that front, but Sebastian had insisted he pick this one up himself; partly so that he could book it for the pair of them without drawing any attention, but partly because he wanted to; he hardly ever spent any significant sums of the not inconsiderable money he earnt. If he couldn't spend it on a treat what was the point? Plus Mark might well be hanging around here a fair bit, so he'd made sure to choose somewhere nice with good facilities; there was a gym and a pool (two if he remembered rightly). So Mark should be happy while he waited on him coming back from what might be fairly long days out testing the new car.

 

Mark stepped over to Sebastian as he looked back out of the window over at the city.

Happy Seb. Happy Seb with those nice round smiling cheeks looking just a little bit pleased with himself. Perfect.

He matched Sebastian's smile and swooped in for a kiss before slinging his arm around Seb's shoulder to stand with him to admire the view contentedly for a few moments, Seb's arm snaking it's way round his waist as they stood together.

 

“You know I've been here before but I've never really looked at the city much,” admitted Sebastian.

“I've been here once or twice,” put in Mark.

He recalled a slightly drunken night out with Fernando here after a race many moons ago.

“I'll probably still get lost though. You might have to come rescue me tomorrow.”

Seb laughed. “Maybe we should sync up our phones and I can find you that way?”

Mark laughed back. “A flashing dot on a map?”

“Yeah.”

“Like in 'Aliens'?”

Sebastian moved apart from him, laughing too hard at that idea.

“Yeah exactly like that.”

Mark smiled. A high tech game of hide and seek actually sounded rather fun, but he could think of more fun ways to spend their time together in the city.

 

“I think there might be an even better view from the roof,” reported Sebastian.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. There's a roof terrace and stuff up there with a pool.”

Mark nodded. “Do you think it'll be open this time of year?”

Seb shrugged. It looked nice in the photos but he supposed they were taken in the summer.

“We could go look?” suggested Sebastian.

“Yeah alright,” agreed Mark.

 

 

They returned to the lift and hit the top button, walking out to find a decked terrace that seemed to take up most of the roof area. No one else was up there, doubtless an unlikely state of affairs later in the year when the weather was warmer.

“Wow.”

Seb had wandered over to the far side to look across. You could see over the top of the city here and all the way to the harbour. Looking in the other direction you glimpsed the spires of the cathedral and further round uphill Mark saw the site of the Olympic development.

“You'd get an even better view from up there,” noted Mark.

“Hmm?”

“Up there where they had the Olympics. I remember seeing some incredible shots of the city.”

Seb grinned at him mischievously. “When was that?”

Mark rolled his eyes. “Ninety-two. No. Don't tell me how old you were.”

 

He shook his head, he forgot how young Seb was sometimes these days.

“Well you missed a treat. It was a good one,” recalled Mark.

God, how could that be _twenty-three_ years ago? Mark remembered being allowed to stay up to watch Olympic events at crazy hours of the day. He'd loved watching sport from an early age and the time difference in Australia meant you had to make sacrifices if you wanted to watch things live. Many an F1 race had been watched in the middle of the night, with his father and him left to it by his despairing mother who couldn't understand why they couldn't watch a recording at a more reasonable time of day.

 

“Must get busy up here in summer,” noted Mark, changing the subject.

“Mmm,” agreed Seb.

He went up to the edge of the pool and dipped down to put his hand in the water.

“It's warm,” reported Sebastian.

“Huh. Really?”

Mark went over to join him at the edge of the pool and ran his fingers through the water. It _was_ warm. Clearly the hotel kept it heated and ready for use whenever possible.

“Guess it's open then,” Mark added.

Seb gave him a look.

“You want to go in?”

Seb shrugged. “Could do. It's nice up here. Do you think it'll be too cold?”

Mark returned the shrug. “The water isn't.”

He looked at the sun-loungers around the pool. “Don't suppose they'll be getting much use though.”

The weather was warmer than it had been in the UK when they had left, but it wasn't exactly hot and being so high up and exposed, there was a brisk wind blowing.

“Let's do it,” Sebastian urged, getting up and heading back.

 

They returned with hoodies pulled over swimming shorts, skirting the edge of the pool to dump towels down on some loungers. Mark had to restrain himself from the urge to push Sebastian in. Far too childish. Besides, he'd freeze to death if his stuff got soaked and Mark knew that would mean he'd only end up giving his own stuff over to Seb.

The two of them pulled their hoodies off, and realising it definitely wasn't warm enough to linger on the side, rapidly entered the water.

 

“Ooof, good job the water's warm.”

Mark hunched his shoulders up and sank lower into the water as Sebastian laughed at him.

“Once an Aussie,” teased Seb, thinking how twenty years in a cold and damp England ought to have had more of an effect on Mark than it had.

Mark drifted back a little in the water.

“Yeah well, there's a reason your pool is indoors mate. Don't think it'd get much use otherwise.”

“True,” conceded Sebastian.

 

They swam about a bit, remarking on how spectacular it was to be able to do this whilst simultaneously admiring an unbroken view of the city.

Sebastian swam over to Mark.

“Beats the view from my pool,” stated Seb.

“Oh I don't know,” grinned Mark, ignoring the view in favour of looking at Sebastian.

Seb grinned back and moved even closer to slide his arms around Mark's neck and kiss him.

Mark moved his hands to rest on Sebastian's waist and kissed him back. He moved his head away to smile at Seb and turned them around so Sebastian was in the deeper end, keeping a careful hold of him as Seb's feet no longer touched the floor.

 

Seb felt wonderfully free floating like this. He kissed Mark again before asking.

“Glad you came then?”

Mark laughed. “Yeah pretty good so far.”

Sebastian moved slightly and Mark let go of his waist allowing him to float up, Seb's arms still holding onto him. Mark slowly spun around so that Seb floated around in a circle a couple of times before taking a step backwards where it was shallower and leaning further back to pull Seb over him. Sebastian kissed him gently so he didn't push Mark into the water.

“Such a shame I have to work tomorrow,” sighed Sebastian.

“Mmm,” agreed Mark, thinking how maybe they should come back some time when they were both free to do as they pleased. He had forgotten all about anyone seeing them, not that there was a soul about the place. It was just the two of them alone, floating above the city undisturbed.

 

Mark floated back completely, placing his hands on Sebastian's hips to hold him above him. Seb tried not to put any weight on him, but as they kissed again Mark's head dipped into the water.

Sebastian pulled back. “Oops, sorry Mark.”

Mark put his feet back on the floor of the pool. He didn't say anything, he merely smiled at Sebastian contentedly, thinking it was hardly something to complain about.

Seb reached out to keep a hold of him as they bobbed about in the water, trying to stay as submerged as possible given the difference between the temperature of the heated pool and the cooler air.

“Your hair's wet now,” commented Sebastian.

“Mmm, that's okay,” allowed Mark distractedly.

“Maybe we should get out?” suggested Seb.

“Mm, in a minute,” delayed Mark, moving in to kiss Sebastian again. It really was a wonderful sensation doing this as they floated freely in the warm water. He was very glad Seb had suggested he come along on this trip. Just to be with him, just to see Seb this happy, it was worth it.

 

A few minutes later Sebastian released Mark and looked at him.

“You're shivering,” noted Seb, looking at him with concern.

“Hmm?”

Mark hadn't noticed.

“Come on let's get out, you'll catch your death,” worried Sebastian.

“When did you get so sensible?” teased Mark.

“You're a bad influence,” joked Sebastian. “Come on,” he gave a Mark an encouraging smile, “We can always carry on inside.”

Mark laughed. “Well there's an incentive.”

 

Seb took his hand and pulled the pair of them over to the side of the pool and they hauled themselves out. Both of them were shivering the moment they were out of the warm water.

“It's freezing!” complained Sebastian, hunching his shoulders in against the sudden cold.

“Dry off then.”

Mark lobbed one of the towels at him and the two of them rapidly towelled down and pulled on hoodies and trainers before going back down to their room as quickly as possible.

 

 

 

On entering their room the pair of them were shivering in damp clothing.

“Maybe not such a bright idea,” conceded Sebastian.

“We just need to warm up again,” insisted Mark.

He rubbed Seb's arm through his hoodie. “Take this off.”

“Oh?” Seb smiled at him and raised an eyebrow.

“That's a very big shower in there.”

“And bath,” noted Sebastian.

“I need to get my head warm,” explained Mark.

“Okay,” agreed Seb, thinking he was fine with whatever meant they were back together again. If they hadn't been getting cold he could have stayed in that swimming pool forever.

 

They made their way into the bathroom, turning on the shower and peeling off their damp clothes.

“Urgh,” grimaced Sebastian. Taking off cold wet clothes was not pleasant.

Mark laughed and stuck his hand under the stream of water to check its temperature.

“Much warmer in here,” smiled Mark.

Seb didn't need much encouragement. A nice warm shower with a nice warm Mark in it. He stepped into the shower after him and felt the water instantly warm them back up. He smiled up at Mark and rubbed a hand on his head.

“Better?” Sebastian checked.

“Much,” confirmed Mark. “Now then, where were we?”

Seb pushed himself up on his toes as Mark slid his arms around him.

“Umm, about here I think,” smiled Sebastian.

Mark was about to offer something in return when Sebastian silenced him with a kiss. Definitely nothing important he thought, before forgetting about thinking for a while and losing himself in the quite delightful sensation of being warmed up by both the shower and Seb, whose hands were wandering very nicely.

 

“Mmm,” Mark looked down and tried to catch Sebastian's eye, but he was too busily occupied kissing his shoulder.

“Seb?”

Sebastian was drawn back and looked up at him.

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled and whispered in his ear. “Your little rule about this trip?”

Seb raised an eyebrow. “Still applies,” he said firmly.

Mark laughed, “okay.” Maybe he was allowing himself to get carried away.

“Although...”

“Although?”

Sebastian smiled wickedly. “Perhaps I should have been more specific.”

“Oh?”

“Mmm.”

Seb let a hand wander lower. Mark grinned. Lots of room for wider interpretation. He was sure they could find plenty of alternative ways to amuse themselves. He smiled warmly at Sebastian, looking at his beautiful full lips and thought how he'd never grow tired of kissing them. He placed a hand at the side of Seb's face and thought how beautiful he was, how lovely. His Seb; so lovely, so perfect.

 

Mark leant in and kissed those perfect lips and feeling Seb sigh into the kiss, ventured further, parting lips and tangling tongues. He didn't even know where he was putting his hands but he definitely noticed where Seb's was going.

He gasped away from the kiss, regathering himself enough to think how interpretation was a very good thing indeed.

“Fuck, Seb,” Mark breathed, water falling into his mouth as he panted for air.

“Should I stop?” managed Sebastian, his own breathing uneven.

“God no.”

 

Sebastian stroked his hand up higher, caressing Mark's lean muscled stomach, thinking how incredible that he got this, he got Mark. He'd never have believed it possible but it was true. He ran his hand higher onto Mark's chest and carefully pushed him back against the tiled wall.

Mark let himself be manoeuvred backwards, thinking only of how hard he was and how he'd really very much like the opportunity to bury himself deep in Sebastian, but that wasn't on the cards right now. He closed his eyes and let his head fall forwards, feeling Seb move up against him. Mark took a breath and reopened his eyes taking hold of Sebastian by the hips and pulling him in tight.

Fuck, Seb was hard too. Of course he was. They knew now well enough what drove each other on. They were mindlessly moving against one another, brains empty, mouths kissing at hot skin.

Around now they'd normally move things along. Sebastian recalled himself enough to mentally curse the fact he had to drive tomorrow.

“Mark,” Seb gasped.

“Yeah,” breathed Mark.

“Need, need you to...”

Mark nodded, understanding what they both needed. Sebastian moved back slightly and he reached down to take a hold of Seb's cock to stroke him.

“Fuck,” panted Sebastian, pulling himself together enough to return the favour.

They pressed their foreheads together, forgetting about kissing as they concentrated on drawing one another to a climax. It didn't take long, they were too far gone for that, too easily in sync with one another.

 

Seb let his head fall down heavily against Mark's shoulder and Mark blinked himself back to reality taking a hold under Sebastian's elbows to make sure he didn't slip any further. His own knees felt pretty wobbly. They rested against each other not speaking as their chest heaved together.

Bloody hell, thought Mark, it might not be everything, but it was enough for now, more than enough. As he breathing returned to normal he lifted Seb away.

“You okay?” he checked. Seb's eyes still seemed heavily lidded.

“Hmm?” Seb blinked in the falling water. He'd almost forgotten that the shower was on.

“Bit too hot,” he admitted.

Mark was tempted to joke that that was only too true, but he knew what Sebastian meant; the heat of the shower, so welcome before, was a bit much now. He turned slightly to find the shower control to lower the temperature.

“How's that?” he asked.

“Yeah, better,” Sebastian sighed, the cooler water bringing him back to life.

“Good.”

Mark moved his head under the stream of water and took a deep breath. He smiled at Seb and gave him another kiss before they pulled themselves together enough to clean up and get out.

 

 

Sebastian crashed down on the sofa next to Mark, both dressed only in the luxurious hotel dressing gowns provided. Seb leaned into him and sighed.

“This is nice,” smiled Sebastian.

Mark laughed. “Mmm, very.”

He turned slightly to look at Seb.

“You hungry?” Mark asked.

“Starving.”

“Do you want to go out and find somewhere?”

Seb pulled a face. “Mm, not really. I'm kindof knackered. Couldn't we just get room service?”

“Sure,” concurred Mark. He wasn't much bothered about wandering off into the city when he had all he needed here.

 

One of the marvels of staying in a five star hotel, reflected Sebastian, was that with a brief phone-call you could get pretty much whatever you wanted to magically appear in almost no time.

They ate their food lazily slumped on the sofa having completely failed to get dressed. Mark got up to dump the trays back out in the corridor so they needn't be disturbed.

He rejoined Seb on the sofa.

“This is nice isn't it,” volunteered Sebastian.

Mark smiled. “Very nice.”

“It's like home, only with better service.”

Mark laughed. “Are you complaining?”

“No of course not,” protested Sebastian.

Mark grinned and tickled his side, making Seb giggle and shift closer into him.

Sebastian leaned into Mark's shoulder looking at him.

“Maybe we could ask Pauline to add to her duties,” he suggested.

Mark burst out laughing.

Sebastian maintained his dead-pan face. “You'd say she wouldn't go for it?”

Mark chuckled. “I'd say it's been nice knowing you mate.”

Seb laughed back. He wouldn't dream of suggesting any such thing. The idea of asking Mark's redoubtable housekeeper to do anything beneath her notice was definitely beyond the pale. She was a diamond, but treat her with anything other than the utmost respect and Seb was certain you'd regret it. She reminded him a little of his mother and whilst she might be kindness personified, he suspected she had an inner steel that you only discovered to your cost.

 

Mark flicked around with the remote.

“Fancy putting a film on?”

“Oh, sure,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark turned his attention back to Seb.

“What time have you got to get up in the morning?”

Sebastian pulled a face. “Too early.”

Mark gave him a sympathetic look. He knew only too well that half of Seb's day would involve hanging around the garage kicking his heels. It couldn't be helped.

“Don't worry, I won't wake you,” reassured Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh. “No do. At least say goodbye, okay?”

“Yeah alright,” agreed Seb, settling in against Mark as he found a film for them to watch.

Mark wrapped his arm around Sebastian.

“Good, then I can go back to sleep.”

“Urgh,” Seb pressed his face into Mark. “You're mean.”

“Sorry.”

Sebastian moved his head to look at him. “No you're not.”

Mark grinned. “No, not really. I'm a bad person.”

Seb laughed. “Terrible.”

Mark squeezed him in and Seb thought again how wonderful it was that he was there. It might be hard to leave him in the morning, but it was a price worth paying.

 

 

 

 

The following night the two of them sat in a tucked-away little restaurant that Mark had found whilst wandering the city in the afternoon.

“So I was thinking,” started Mark. He'd had plenty of time for that whilst filling his day waiting for Seb to get back.

“Hmm?”

Sebastian looked up from his finished meal.

“Why don't you move back in with me? I mean properly.”

“Oh.” Seb was caught off-guard.

Mark shrugged. “You're there all the time anyway.”

“Right.”

Sebastian still didn't quite know what to say. He wasn't sure why he wasn't immediately saying yes. Wasn't that what he wanted? Didn't he always want to be with Mark? When he thought of home he more often thought of Mark's place than his own. So why was he hesitating?

 

Mark was a little surprised that Seb hadn't responded as he thought he would.

“Maybe just have a think about it?” he offered.

“Of course, yeah. I will. Think about it,” stumbled Sebastian.

“Good. Okay. Yeah.”

Mark was as thrown as Seb seemed to be. Perhaps he should have led into the idea a little less abruptly.

He reached over and placed a hand over Seb's that was holding onto a glass.

“It's fine if you don't want to Seb. If it's too soon.”

The fact that they'd spent half of last year living together didn't really count.

Sebastian looked at Mark.

“I just need to have a think about it,” he excused.

“Sure. No problem,” assured Mark, hoping he wasn't pressuring Seb. He rubbed his thumb against Sebastian's hand for a moment to reassure him before pulling it back.

 

As they left the restaurant, Mark was still wondering if he'd done the right thing in asking. If he was honest with himself, he thought he'd actually waited quite a long time to ask, seeing as he'd been wondering about it for nearly two months now.

Sebastian slipped his hand into Mark's and looked over at him.

“You're not annoyed with me are you?” he worried.

Mark shook his head. “Course not. No.”

He squeezed Seb's hand and gave him a kiss on the cheek. The narrow streets were busy, but no one paid them a second glance as they headed about their own business.

“You sort of threw me I think. My head's still full of data and stuff from today. Not sure it's got room for anything else,” excused Sebastian.

“Ah well, maybe we should do something about that?” suggested Mark with a smile.

Sebastian smiled back. Mark had some excellent methods of emptying his mind of all mundane thoughts.

 

 

 

 

Seb spent much of his down-time at the track wondering why his mind was such a mixed-up place that it couldn't grab hold of a good thing when it saw it. He had no doubt that he wanted to spend all his time with Mark, so why did the idea of moving in with him make him pause? It was ridiculous. He hadn't wanted to move out when he had done last time, or the time before that.

Sebastian almost laughed at himself. He was stupidly contradictory; when he had felt that he'd had to move out it he hadn't wanted to, and now Mark was asking him to move back in when they were so happy together and what he wanted was to be with him at all times, and Seb wasn't sure if it was right.

He shook his head. He was so stupid sometimes, but then thinking about it he realised that he did know one thing for sure; if he moved in with Mark he wouldn't be moving out again. No more yoyo-ing back and forth. That would be it. And whilst that notion was mostly great, it was also a tiny bit scary. Sebastian knew it was a big deal. It was a commitment, and whilst he was sure they were absolutely committed to one another, he also knew that it meant he had to get this right. If he was unsure about it then that probably meant it wasn't. Not yet.

Sebastian leant back a little and scrubbed his hands though his hair. At least he'd decided. Mark wouldn't be cross with him, he'd already promised that and if Seb could just explain his reasoning properly he knew it would be fine.

He just needed to understand his own reasoning first.

 

A call came from within the garage: Time to go back to work. Reasoning on personal matters would have to wait. Maybe his subconscious could do some work on that whilst he gave the rest of his mind over to the task of pounding round the track a few dozen times?

 

 

 

 

Sebastian consulted the map on his phone and double-backed on himself. The myriad of tiny narrow streets in the old gothic quarter of the city were so confusing. Mark had said he was in the square with the fountain that they had walked past last night and he thought he remembered it, but he'd just wasted five minutes walking in the wrong direction.

He was about to give up and ring Mark again when the street that was little more than an alleyway opened up into a large open square full of palm trees with a circular fountain in the centre. This was the place, he'd just come at it from a different angle somehow. Seb smiled to himself. There was Mark sat on the edge of the fountain wall with his back to him.

 

Seb walked up to him from behind and noticed that Mark had his headphones in. He yielded to childish whims and grabbed at Mark to surprise him.

Mark jumped and then turned, pulling his earphones out as Seb moved in front of him.

“Jesus, you nearly gave me heart-failure then!”

Seb grinned.

“Sorry,” he apologised, sounding nothing of the kind.

Mark shook his head. “You took your time, I was just thinking of coming back up to the hotel to meet you. Did you get lost?”

Sebastian sat down beside him.

“A bit,” he admitted. “All these little streets are so confusing.”

“True,” agreed Mark. He'd spent half his time over the past two days getting lost himself.

“What were you listening to?” asked Sebastian.

“Hmm? Oh...”

Mark paused before looking at his phone and confessing. “Language stuff.”

“Huh?” Seb wondered if he meant Spanish on account of where they were.

Mark looked slightly embarrassed. “German.”

Sebastian raised his eyebrows. “Wow. Really?”

Mark shrugged. “I keep saying I mean to and never get around to it, so I thought while I had some time to kill...”

Seb beamed at him. “For me?”

“Well yeah, I guess going to see your family tomorrow reminded me and I really ought to learn more for work as well.”

Sebastian shook his head in surprise. “You didn't say.”

Mark shrugged again. “I just downloaded it yesterday. I don't think I'm getting very far.”

“Say something then?” enticed Seb.

Mark laughed and shook his head. “No. I'll just make a fool of myself.”

Seb turned further in to face him. “Go on!”

Mark shook his head again. “I don't think I've mastered 'hello' yet. I've had some pretty strange looks off people walking past as I talked to myself I can tell you.”

 

Sebastian laughed, delighted at the idea of Mark making a fool of himself for him.

“I could help teach you if you like?” he offered.

“Mm, okay, maybe not now though?”

“Back home then. It'd be fun.”

Mark looked at Seb with mock suspicion. “For whom would it be fun?”

“Me mostly,” grinned Sebastian.

“Hmm, I thought as much,” accused Mark lightly.

Still, he thought it might be fun if he could put up with Seb teasing him when he got it as hopelessly wrong as he was bound to. How Sebastian coped so easily in a second language was beyond him.

 

Mark changed the subject. “Right, anyway, you hungry yet?”

“Sure.”

It was only just getting dark and would be considered premature for dinner in Spain, but they had another early start lined up tomorrow if they were to catch their flight.

 

Dinner was easy-going enough. Mark didn't raise the topic of Seb moving back in with him, concentrating instead on getting Sebastian to tell him all about how the day's testing had gone. As they sorted out paying the bill Mark checked what their schedule was like for the next day.

 

“So how early do you reckon we need to set off then?”

Seb pulled a face. “Six-thirty.”

“Ouch.”

Mark reflected Sebastian's unimpressed expression. With all his years of travelling he'd never quite understood why airlines insisted you got there hours before your flight, only to sit around waiting and getting in the way. In his darker moments lurking about in desolate airports in far-flung corners of the world, Mark had suspected it was a global conspiracy cooked up in conjunction with airport lounge shops and coffee vendors.

 

He checked his watch as the waiter took away their payment.

“What do you think? Time for a drink maybe, seeing as you're off duty now?”

Seb shrugged. “Yeah okay, why not?”

One couldn't hurt.

 

 

Sebastian settled into his seat at a table in the corner of the decidedly untrendy bar they'd selected pretty much at random whilst Mark sorted out ordering a couple of bottles of beer. They were having a nice time and he didn't want to spoil the mood, but equally Seb didn't want to let himself brood on what he'd been thinking about all day either.

As Mark passed over a bottle he bit the bullet.

“Mark?”

“Hmm?”

Seb took a sip of his drink to steady himself.

“You know what you said last night?”

“Mmm?” Mark tried to sound non-committal, it wasn't hard to guess what Seb was referring to.

Sebastian bit his lip and Mark knew right away he wasn't about to get a positive answer to his invitation. He didn't want to let Seb feel bad about it.

“Hey it's fine. Really Seb, don't worry about it. It was just an idea.”

“It's a really nice idea,” interrupted Sebastian. “And I have been thinking about it, pretty much all day really.”

Mark raised his eyebrows. “Whilst driving at two hundred miles an hour?”

“I multi-task well,” deflected Seb, trying a smile.

 

Sebastian puffed out a breath. “Okay, so yeah, I've been thinking about it and I'm not sure I can really make sense of what I think.”

Mark frowned, that didn't sound good.

“Seb the last thing I wanted is to make you worry about it,” he shook his head. “It was probably bad timing anyway while you're busy testing.”

“No it's fine, good...”

Seb sighed. “I'm rubbish at explaining myself, sorry. Look Mark, I really like that you asked me. I do. And you're right, I am at yours most of the time, more than we're at mine anyway, and I love being at yours, I love being around the house and the dogs and everything. It does feel like home.”

“I feel like there's a 'but' coming up here,” noted Mark.

Sebastian looked down. “I'm sorry, I know it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make much sense to me either.”

 

Mark hated seeing how uncomfortable Seb looked. He moved his chair round to sit closer to him.

“Seb don't worry about it, okay? You're right, we spend all the time we can together anyway, so it's no big deal.”

“Okay,” allowed Sebastian. He furrowed his brow. “I don't know why I'm not just saying yes. I hate being apart from you.”

Mark put his hand on his arm and tipped his head sideways to look at him.

“It's really fine Seb. Look why don't you just tell me what you do think about it? Be honest, I won't be offended.”

 

Sebastian took another drink. He decided just to let out the confusion in his head and see if they couldn't make sense of it together.

“I don't know, maybe it's because the season is about to start and I don't want to change anything about home,” he shrugged, “wherever that is.”

“Okay, well that makes sense,” encouraged Mark.

Seb bit his lip again. “It's so stupid, because I was miserable when I had to move out before.” He looked up at Mark, “both times.”

Mark gave him a little smile at how mixed-up things had been for them last year.

“So was I, truth be told Seb, I hated it when you moved out. I really wanted to ask you to stay, but I suppose I thought I couldn't without, you know...” he gave a half shrug.

They both knew what he meant; neither one of them had been ready to face up to how they really felt about one another back then.

 

“Well now I feel worse,” admitted Sebastian.

“Ah no Seb, that's not what I intended. I just meant I felt the same way, that's all.”

“Yeah, okay. Sorry.”

Sebastian regathered himself. “I think what I'm trying to say is that it was really hard to do that, to get my own place I mean.”

Mark nodded.

“It was hard, and I didn't like it at the time, but the thing is, in a weird way I think maybe it was good for me, even though I hated it. Getting my independence, I mean.”

Mark thought he saw the light. “Of course. No that makes sense.”

Sebastian looked at him a little surprised.

“Does it? I'm not sure it does to me.”

Mark offered him reassuring smile.

“Well yeah, after everything Seb, of course that means a lot to you. It was a big achievement.”

He paused. “You know I'd never want to do anything to take your independence away from you.”

Sebastian nodded, his brow still furrowed.

 

Mark shrugged. “We could always find a new place together if you wanted. I don't mean now, but one day, whenever, if you wanted to.”

Sebastian smiled, feeling reassured at how good Mark was being about it all. _As usual,_ he thought.

“No it's not that. I love your house. It does feel like home. I wouldn't want to be somewhere else. It's just...”

Sebastian puffed out a long breath before admitting. “Each time I moved in with you it was because I was running away, and I don't want this time to be anything like that. When I move in with you I want it to be a positive choice. I want to decide to do it. Does that make sense?”

Mark nodded and smiled.

“It does. Completely.”

Seb frowned a little more.

“I thought you'd be more disappointed.”

Mark leaned in closer. “I might have been if you didn't just say 'when'.”

“Hmm?”

“You just said ' _when_ I move in with you',” Mark clarified.

“Oh.”

“That wasn't a slip of the tongue?” checked Mark.

Seb stopped and thought for a second to be sure.

“No.”

“So that's good then.”

“Yeah?”

Mark let out a little laugh. “Yeah Seb it's good.”

“You're alright with me just assuming I can change my mind?”

Mark shook his head a little. “I don't see it that way. I think it's good that you're assuming it will happen at some point. Whenever you're ready, whenever _we're_ ready.”

“Yeah. Good. Okay. Thanks.”

Mark looked at him steadily again.

“Seb don't stress about it. When the time is right, the time will be right, for both of us, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb.

 

He took a decisive breath and had a drink. He did feel better when Mark put it like that. He was sure that it would happen at some point, maybe in the not too distant future and it would be something he chose to do, not something he worried about.

“Good,” confirmed Mark, happy to see Sebastian's body language relax.

“I still want to be round at yours pretty much all the time,” added Seb.

Mark raised his bottle in agreement.

“Very glad to hear it.”

Seb gave a little laugh. “Contrary as I am?”

Mark shook his head. “You're not contrary. You're being very sensible. No need to rush things.”

“Okay.” Seb took another sip of his drink before suggesting, “seeing as I'm there so much, maybe I could keep some more of my stuff at yours?”

“Absolutely.”

“Yeah?”

“Course. I'll clear out some space for you.” Mark shrugged. “I've got loads of stuff in my room I hardly ever use. It'll be good to have a clear out. I've got plenty of other empty storage I never use in that house. It's no trouble.”

Seb smiled. “Thanks. I'd like that. And you could always leave stuff at mine if you want?”

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

 

Compromise worked, thought Mark. Far better than making the matter something they were getting stressed out about and letting it potentially damage things between them.

“Besides,” added Mark with a smile, “it would be a shame to lose that nice swimming pool of yours.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes at him. “Well that's the main thing.”

“Obviously,” dead-panned Mark, lifting up his bottle to clink against Seb's.

 

Seb clinked it back. They were fine. He was so glad he'd had the nerve to talk about it. He leant over and gave Mark an impulsive little kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

Mark shook his head. “No need.”

“Yeah there is. You're a good guy.”

Mark shrugged, “if you're not happy, I'm not happy.”

He didn't think he was being nice, he was being honest.

 

“I'm glad you said what you thought, okay?”

“Me too,” concurred Sebastian. He gave a wry smile. “Although I am contrary.”

“Hmm?”

Seb shrugged. “I'm still pleased you asked.”

“Good. Well that's okay. This way I don't need to feel so bad about making you worry about it all day,” insisted Mark.

Sebastian nodded. That worked. He sat back and drank his beer as Mark did the same.

He looked over at Mark.

“I think maybe I'm getting a bit better at this,” he suggested.

“At what?”

“Saying. You know, rather than bottling things up. Even if I'm not very good at explaining what I'm trying to say.”

“You explain stuff fine mate,” insisted Mark.

Sebastian gave a little laugh. “To _you_ maybe.”

He shrugged. “I think you get me when no one else does.”

Mark smiled. “Well that much sounds good.”

“Hmm?”

Mark leaned over and whispered in Sebastian's ear. “That I get you and no one else does.”

Seb grinned. “Well of course _that's_ true.”

That he might even think about anyone other than Mark was unimaginable.

“Good.”

 

Sebastian finished off his beer. He looked at his watch. It was still fairly early.

“Maybe stay for one more?”

Mark looked at his watch in turn. It wasn't yet half past nine.

“Yeah alright. You're not going to get trashed again are you?” he teased.

“Ach, _one_ time!” protested Sebastian.

Mark laughed teasingly.

Seb narrowed his eyes at him. “I think I can survive two beers without you needing to carry me back. Besides, do you think I fancy facing my family tomorrow with a hangover?”

Mark grinned. “Guess not. Same again and then we'll get a reasonably early night?”

“Sure. Sounds good,” agreed Sebastian.

 

 

 

Mark drank back the last of his second beer, relieved that all seemed well between them. He was glad he had come along on this trip. They still had the minor hurdle of going to see Sebastian's family tomorrow but he was pretty sure that would be okay. A little awkward maybe, but it would be okay. When he'd told his parents over the phone ahead of them visiting when they were due to be in Australia soon, they'd spent half the time laughing at how long it seemed to have taken them and the other half getting excited about when they could come out to see them.

Sebastian interrupted his thoughts.

“We done?”

“Oh. Yeah. You wanna go?”

“Mmm.”

“Righto.”

 

They pulled on their jackets and headed out into the narrow streets to find their way back.

Seb took a hold of Mark's arm and smiled at him.

“No one cares; who we are, what we're doing,” Sebastian stated. “Here, I mean.”

Mark had to admit Seb was right, nobody had seemed to recognise them or paid them any attention the whole time they were here.

He smiled. “Not sure the same would be true if one of us was Fernando.”

Seb laughed. “If one of us was Fernando I don't think I'd be too happy about it.”

“Me neither,” agreed Mark.

“No?”

“Definitely not. Then I wouldn't be able to do this.”

 

Mark smiled and stopped a second to kiss Sebastian. Right there in the street. Not that there were too many people about, but now he didn't care if there were. Worries could wait, this was too good an evening to waste.

Seb kissed him back and smiled happily, pressing himself tighter into Mark as they continued on through the maze of little streets and passageways.

“You sure we're going in the right direction?” Sebastian checked.

Mark pulled out his phone and looked at the map.

“Yep.”

They rounded a corner and Seb recognised where they were again. Their hotel was just beyond the old town and any minute now they would get to the outside edge of the gothic quarter beyond which the streets widened and became more ordered. He smiled to himself and seized the moment.

Sebastian stopped and Mark did likewise. He turned to look at Mark in the diffuse light from the street-lamps.

“Thank you for coming,” acknowledged Seb.

Mark smiled at him. “Thank you for thinking of it. It was a good idea.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You're glad you came then?” checked Sebastian.

“Yes,” confirmed Mark.

He placed a hand on Seb's arm and moved in to kiss him again. Sebastian responded rather more enthusiastically than he'd expected and kissed him so hard that Mark ended up taking a step backwards and Sebastian put a hand on his chest to push him up against the wall as they carried on.

As Seb lifted away for air, Mark laughed. “ _Very_ glad.”

Seb laughed too. So was he. He pressed back in to continue the kiss and felt Mark snake his hands over his hips and around his lower back.

“Mark,” Seb started, rather out of breath.

“Hmm?”

Mark's mind had been disconnecting a little there.

“We do actually have a hotel room,” Sebastian pointed out.

Mark smiled. It was an excellent point. He was about to say something when Sebastian lifted up on his toes to whisper in Mark's ear.

“Oh and I'm not driving tomorrow.”

Mark's brain was a little slow.

“Hmm?”

Sebastian pressed in a little tighter to him and looked up, grinning at him and raising an eyebrow.

“Oh. Ohh.”

Mark mirrored his grin. Well wasn't that an even better point?

Seb moved back out of Mark's hold and his grin broadened even wider.

“Race you back.”

“What?”

“Race, you, back. To the hotel,” Sebastian enunciated.

He stepped away and just as Mark realised Seb was genuinely serious, Sebastian said “Go!” and set off, leaving Mark with no option but to tear after him.

 

 

 

Mark shot through the hotel reception lobby seeing the lift doors closing, about whisk a grinning Sebastian away from him. He just managed to get a hand on the sliding door to prevent it shutting and push his way into the lift to join him. He leant back against the wall to catch his breath. When Seb had said 'race' he'd meant it, he'd disappeared off into the night assuming Mark would follow him and Mark had had to sprint to try to keep up with Sebastian's head start.

 

Seb was laughing hard as he caught his own breath. Mark bent double for a moment then stood up to look at him.

“You lunatic!”

Sebastian was giggling uncontrollably, amused at his own silliness and the fact that Mark had automatically followed his lead.

“I won,” he grinned.

Mark took a step closer.

“You had a head start. That's cheating.”

Sebastian shrugged, not caring.

Mark moved in closer.

“What the girl on reception will think...”

Seb continued to grin and moved in closer.

“Don't care,” he stated.

Mark shook his head at Sebastian's heedlessness.

“Neither do you,” added Sebastian, sliding his arms around Mark's waist to pull him in tight.

Mark smiled back. It was only too true. Seeing Seb so carefree was wonderful.

“No. I don't.”

 

He took a hold of Sebastian and kissed him hard despite the fact that the two of them were still slightly out of breath.

The two pulled apart, chests now heaving from a combination of their race and the kiss.

“Mark.”

“Hmm?”

“Our floor?”

“Oh.”

Mark looked. The lift doors were open to the corridor and had been for a while as they'd not been paying any attention to anything other than each other.

 

 

Getting into their room took more effort than it ought to have done as key-cards suddenly seemed too complicated when all they wanted was to be in there already. They only just managed to pull off jackets before crashing onto the bed and carrying on the kiss they'd abandoned in the lift moments before.

Seb crawled on top of Mark and pressed back down into him kissing so hard that they clumsily banged teeth, causing Mark to laugh and Sebastian to lift up, about to apologise when Mark raised himself up a little to follow Seb, grabbing hold of his shirt and attempting to unbutton it. Failing in that task, Mark instead started pulling it up, and Seb had to to help as the fact that it was still done up meant it nearly got stuck.

As they succeeded in finally dragging it off, Seb's hair was left dishevelled and Mark sat further up laughing at the state of it and running a hand through Seb's hair to straighten it. Sebastian's chest was heaving and Mark stopped a moment, just to look at him.

 

“Fuck, you're gorgeous,” Mark breathed, gaining an arresting smile from Seb in return. The marginal part of his brain that was still operating, wondered at how Sebastian's eyes could look so full of light and dark at the same time. He was beautiful, so beautiful.

Seb clawed at Mark's shirt. “Lose this,” he instructed.

Mark nodded and did as he was told as they carried on kissing and trying to get rid of their clothes as rapidly as possible at the same time.

 

Just as they were on the point of getting too carried away, Seb pulled back and clambered off the bed to delve in his suitcase. Mark sat up, wondering with his dulled, distracted brain what Sebastian was doing when he reappeared kneeling by him, grinning and waving a bottle of lube.

“Oh right, yeah,” murmured Mark.

His slowed mind caught up as he realised it was a good job that Sebastian had thought to bring it seeing as he hadn't; he'd be working on the assumption that Seb's warning off sex would apply for their entire trip. He really hadn't considered the fact that the statement about driving didn't apply to tonight.

 

Mark smiled at Sebastian and tickled his side.

“Aren't you a dark horse?” he teased.

“Well,” grinned Seb, “just in case.”

Seb shrugged and Mark grinned and kissed him again, glad that at least one of them was practical enough to think of all eventualities.

 

Mark stopped a moment as they tried to draw air, looking at Seb again. He nearly joked at what a boy scout Sebastian was to be prepared for everything. He wanted to laugh at the idea; Seb might still look like one sometimes, but he was definitely no boy. Certainly not with what he was doing now as he stroked his hand over Mark's chest up to his shoulder and pulled him down on top of him.

All other thoughts went out of the window as Mark started to move against Seb, both starting to fight harder for breath as the blood pumped harder.

 

Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes as he thought how good his familiar weight above him felt. Even when they were dark and full of lust like they were now, Mark's eyes still seemed warm to him, he never stopped being Mark. Seb placed his hand at the side of Mark's face to focus on him and get Mark to look properly at him in return.

“Mark, please?” he requested, knowing Mark didn't need any encouragement, but giving it anyway. They'd waited for this so patiently, Seb couldn't wait any longer.

Seb moved his legs apart and Mark slotted between them, moving in to kiss him again before lifting up and engaging his mind for bit to get things organised, grabbing the bottle of lube and fiddling with the lid to get it open and pour some on his fingers.

“Seb,” Mark tried.

“Hmm?” breathed Sebastian, far away in his mind from reality.

Mark leant in and whispered in his ear. “Just move down a little?”

Sebastian gathered himself enough to nod and shifted down, lowering his head off the pillow and lying back. He let his eyes close as he felt Mark reach between his legs and gently touch him. It took his breath away every time.

Mark leant in again. “Good?”

Seb didn't think he was capable of speech. He opened his eyes and nodded sharply, trying to match the smile Mark gave him in response, but losing it to a snatched “Oh!” as he felt Mark reach inside him. Fuck, he was never going to get past that almost stopping his heart.

 

“Mark?” gasped Sebastian, not sure why it was a question.

“Yes. Yes mate,” breathed Mark.

“Need, need more,” demanded Seb.

Mark wanted to tease Seb for him being so impatient, but the sight of Sebastian lying below him so far gone was beautiful, just beautiful. He moved in and nodded before lowering himself down on top of Seb to give him what he wanted.

“Love you so much,” reminded Mark, his breath as short as Seb's.

He kissed at Sebastian's jaw as his head fell back while pressing another finger inside him. They weren't taking their time tonight, they'd been waiting too long. Their bodies needed what they needed and they weren't about to be denied.

 

Mark lifted back up off Sebastian, only for Seb to arch up his body to follow him, his head still thrown back. Mark felt as though his skin was on fire. It was a privilege to see Seb like this, like no one else did. To know him like no one else did, just him. All of Seb just for him and no one else. He was the luckiest person in the world.

 

Mark hadn't realised he'd paused, Sebastian was lying looking up at him, panting for breath.

Seb managed to get enough air in his lungs to speak.

“Mark.”

“Yeah?”

“Need you, all of you. All of you right now.”

Sebastian was so far gone he wasn't even sure if he was making sense, but Mark seemed to understand him. His brain might not be operating properly any more, but he knew what he needed and thankfully Mark did too.

 

Mark nodded and moved to kneel up. He stopped to look at Seb for another moment before taking a hold under Seb's knees and manoeuvring him to lift his legs all the way up to hook his ankles over his shoulders.

Seb let out a gasp at the sudden movement but his eyes were still locked on Mark's who paused to check he was okay.

“Seb?”

Sebastian thought he couldn't speak. If he didn't have Mark right this moment he was going to die, his whole body felt like it was pulsating with the need for him. He could only give a tight nod. Mark gave the slightest nod back before pushing insistently inside him in one movement.

Seb felt all the air leave his body as his senses went on overload. He didn't even realise how loud he'd cried out in that moment until got enough of himself back to see Mark look at him.

For second Mark thought that he might have hurt Seb, but before that idea could take hold, Sebastian was grasping at his upper arms, pulling him closer and staring at him with wide eyes.

“Oh _fuck_ , yes, Mark, yes.”

Mark smiled with relief and he started moving hard and fast, feeling the sweat beading on his forehead but unable to do anything to slow down as he lost himself in the feeling of taking Seb like this and gaining such a look of abandon on Sebastian's face in return.

 

Seb let his head fall back, a tiny part of his brain thought that he ought to feel vulnerable like this, slightly self-conscious to be in such a position, but he didn't, he couldn't feel anything other than wonder at being able to get all of Mark like this. It was a relief to let everything go and just feel all of him, everything, just for him, all for him.

Mark knew they weren't going to last very long with everything moving so fast. He let Seb's legs fall away and Sebastian instinctively moved to wrap them around his waist so they could move together more naturally and not have to think at all, just move as one to reach their climax.

 

Sebastian opened his eyes, not realising he'd let them shut. He let his legs down and Mark moved off him to fall by his side. His body still didn't feel like his own; as if he was disconnected from the skin that held him in. He was still trying to pull enough oxygen into his brain to get it operating again when he felt Mark's hand reach over to gently turn his face to look at him.

“You okay?” breathed Mark.

Seb let out a laugh. He gave a stunned shake of his head.

“Fuck. Mark that was...” he shook his head again, he couldn't form the words.

Mark smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Good?”

Seb nodded. “Good. Yeah. Bloody hell. That was incredible.”

Mark grinned and put his arm across to pull him in.

 

Sebastian rested his damp forehead against Mark's, grateful for the renewed contact. They lay like that for a minute before Seb moved his head back so he could look into Mark's eyes. He still felt as though he was floating, as if his head wasn't properly lying on the pillow it now rested against, as if he was dreaming.

If he was dreaming then it was a good dream. A dream with Mark in it. The best kind of dream. The one he had whenever they were forced apart. But this was real. He forced his hand to lift up to place it against the side of Mark's face to reassure himself that he was there.

“Okay?” checked Mark, seeing a faraway look in Seb's eyes.

“Hmm? Yeah.”

Sebastian smiled lazily at him, glad to know Mark was definitely really there.

He let out a happy sigh. “I love you so much you know?”

Mark huffed out a little laugh. “Yeah I do know that. I love you too.”

Mark smiled at how sleepy Sebastian looked. “Come on mate let's sort ourselves out and then we can go to sleep, hmm?”

Seb let his hand drop away. “I don't think I can move,” he admitted.

Mark shook his head a little at how worn out Sebastian was. He lifted up his hand and stroked his hair thinking how Sebastian had had a long and busy day. No wonder he was exhausted. He leaned in and gave him a little kiss before raising himself up.

“No problem. You stay there,” he said softly.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and had very nearly slipped off to sleep when he felt the mattress dip as Mark returned to gently clean him up and cover him with the duvet. By the time Mark climbed back into bed Seb was almost completely asleep. He forced his eyes half open as he felt Mark lie down next to him and saw Mark propped up looking at him.

Mark smiled softly at him, transfixed by the sight of Sebastian drifting away; Seb's eyes falling helplessly closed and his head dropping sideways onto the pillow as sleep overtook him. He stroked Seb's hair for a moment and then lowered himself back down, pausing only to press a soft kiss into Seb's temple. Mark shifted down and lay on his side, wrapping his arm around Sebastian's sleeping form and resting his head down on the same pillow next to him before allowing himself to follow Sebastian into comfortable oblivion.

 

 

 

 

Mark woke up stretched out on the bed with Sebastian's head resting against his upper arm a little awkwardly. They'd shifted in the night, so Mark moved back onto his side and reached his arm out across Seb's middle. He thought how he would quite like to slide his other arm under him to hold him in closer, but he didn't want to wake Sebastian up.

Unfortunately the small movement he had made seemed to have been sufficient to do just that. Seb's eyes fluttered open and he was almost surprised to see Mark's face so close to his own.

“Hey,” uttered Mark softly.

“Hey,” echoed Sebastian, smiling at him.

Mark stroked his hand along Seb's waist and Sebastian let out a contented little hum. Mark leant in and kissed him gently, absently thinking that this alone would have been worth the trip.

 

Things were just moving along nicely when Sebastian's alarm shattered their moment.

“Bollocks.”

Sebastian scrunched his eyes shut.

“Urgh Mark, make it stop,” he appealed.

“That's your alarm,” pointed out Mark.

“Damn.”

 

Seb forced himself to sit up and find his phone on the nightstand, jabbing at it blearily until the noise was silenced.

Mark sat up too and swung his legs out of bed, but Sebastian dropped back down onto the bed.

“Just five more minutes?” pleaded Seb.

Mark turned back to him.

“We'll miss our flight.”

Sebastian pouted, succeeding only in Mark laughing at him and cruelly drawing the duvet back to prevent him going back to sleep.

“To see _your_ family,” highlighted Mark.

Sebastian reluctantly sat up.

“Yeah okay.”

 

Mark leaned over.

“You don't want to put it off do you?”

“No,” insisted Seb.

“Are you nervous?”

Seb shrugged. “A bit.”

Mark ran his thumb over Sebastian's hand.

“It'll be fine.”

Seb let out a long breath and nodded. It would be fine. Just as long as he had Mark with him everything was always okay.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally just the first part of a chapter but I've had to split it in two as I got a bit, ahem, carried away here...
> 
>  
> 
> Bonus points if you know where the title comes from ;)


	34. Taking Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is really the second half of the last chapter. So on we go to Germany...

 

 

They stood on the doorstep of Sebastian's family home in Heppenheim having just knocked on the door.

Mark turned to Seb.

“Not still nervous are you?”

Sebastian shrugged. He was and he wasn't. He knew it was illogical.

“It'll be fine,” reassured Mark yet again.

Sebastian nodded and Mark smiled before leaning in to kiss him as a distraction. Mark slid his arms around him and Seb closed his eyes for a moment forgetting where he was.

 

It seemed that they both had, as it took a loudly coughed, _“Ah hem,”_ emanating from the doorway to drag them back. They pulled apart and turned to see a highly amused Melanie stood looking at them.

Seb turned pink to the very tips of his ears.

“Oh, umm, hello Mel,” mumbled Sebastian.

“Hello Seb, and hello _Mark_ ,” grinned Melanie. “Fancy you being here.”

“Mmm,” agreed Mark, finding it hard not to match her amused state. “Nice to see you again.”

Melanie started laughing and Sebastian grabbed her wrist to pull her outside.

“Seb!” she protested.

“Mel shut up,” demanded Sebastian.

“Not very friendly,” Melanie complained.

“Please?”

 

His sister relented and waited for Sebastian to speak.

Mark stood aside quietly not interfering.

Sebastian frowned. “Please Mel, just, don't.”

Melanie shook her head. “Don't what?”

“Don't make this more difficult, okay?”

“Oh fine,” sighed Melanie.

“Thank you.”

“Can I just say though?” blurted Mel, unable to contain herself.

Seb had been about to go indoors when he stopped.

“Go on then.”

Melanie grinned. “I was right. I _knew_ it!”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and Mark couldn't help laughing.

“Fine. Yes you were. Now can you just keep it to yourself for a bit and let me tell everyone for myself?” asked Sebastian.

Melanie composed herself. “Okay.”

They entered the house and Seb shook his head again as he heard his sister say “Spoilsport,” under her breath.

 

Mark tried to wipe the smile from his face at the predictability of it all. He reached over and gave Seb's hand a quick squeeze before they walked into the lounge.

 

“Look who I found,” announced Melanie.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath before walking in after her, Mark following him. Mark had to suppress another smile at the looks of surprise on Seb's family's faces as they saw him. Sebastian had insisted that there was no way he could tell them Mark was coming with him without telling them why, rather defeating the object of the visit.

 

Sebastian's mother stood up to greet them.

“Mark. This is a surprise.”

“Isn't it?” remarked Stefanie, looking at her sister who had sat down next to her with a very telling smirk on her lips.

“Oh, umm, yeah. That's okay isn't it?” checked Seb.

“Of course dear. You know I always cook too much.”

She hugged her son and then Mark.

“You're very welcome Mark,” she reiterated.

“Thanks,” replied Mark politely. He knew if he felt uncomfortable it was nothing to what Sebastian was feeling right now. They just had to smile through it.

 

Seb's father had stood up to greet them too once he'd got over being startled at Mark's appearance. He hugged his son and shook Mark's hand whilst his wife instructed one of her daughters to shout for Fabian to come down.

Shortly after there was a thud and Fabian bundled into the room. Mark suspected he'd made a short-cut of the stairs by jumping down half of them, it was what he used to do as a kid.

Fabian hugged his brother and then clocked Mark stood next to him.

“Oh hello Mark,” he greeted. “What are you doing here?”

Mark smiled at Sebastian's little brother asking the question everyone else was too polite to voice.

“Well, you know, I was passing,” he joked.

Fabian frowned at Mark, not getting the joke, but hugged him anyway, making Sebastian smile remembering the impression Mark had made on him at Christmas.

 

They sat down on the sofa, Fabian slotting himself down next to his brother despite the lack of space.

“Were you here for work?” wondered Norbert, thinking Stuttgart wasn't so very far away.

“Oh, umm, no.”

Mark wasn't sure what to say, but he wasn't going to lie. He glanced at Seb before carrying on. “I was with Seb in Barcelona.”

Mark caught Sebastian's eye again and tried to indicate that he didn't have much option other than to tell the truth.

Norbert frowned slightly. “Were you?”

He looked over at his son, clearly about to say something he changed his mind about.

“Umm, yes. I had nothing better to do.”

Mark wanted to laugh. It was technically true.

Seb saw Melanie start to move as though she was going to whisper to her sister, but Sebastian gave her a firm look and she halted in her tracks.

 

Sebastian turned to look at Mark for a second before speaking to his parents.

“Why don't I give you a hand making coffee?”

“Oh no, you sit,” insisted his mother. “Norbert, give me a hand.”

His parents left for the kitchen and Sebastian hesitated a moment before Mark turned to him to give him an encouraging look. They'd agreed beforehand that Seb would like to speak to them on his own first. Seb nodded and decisively got up to go after them.

 

The minute Sebastian left the room his sisters started whispering. Fabian looked over at them.

“What are you two talking about?” he asked.

“I can't _imagine_ ,” commented Mark dryly, which silenced the two.

They sat there awkwardly for a few minutes before Mark decided to try talking to Fabian.

“So how's school?”

Fabian pulled a face and Mark laughed.

“That bad huh?”

Fabian shrugged. “They've just seem to give us more and more homework.”

“Mmm,” sympathised Mark. “That sounds familiar.”

“Really?”

“Had to take all mine with me to Barcelona,” reported Mark.

Fabian nodded. “Work gives you homework? That's a bit rubbish. Did you get to have any fun then?”

“Oh well, you know, we managed to have a bit of fun, when Seb wasn't busy testing.”

Melanie burst out laughing and her sister shoved her in the ribs to shut her up. Mark had to hold himself back a bit too. It was all rather ridiculous.

“What's so funny?” asked Fabian, but got nothing in return.

 

“Jan not here today?” queried Mark, changing the subject.

“Oh umm, no. He had to work. Deadline,” explained Stephanie.

“Ah right. Shame.”

“Mmm, well Mum just said Seb wanted to see us before he went off racing this year, so...”

Melanie smiled at him innocently.

“And will you be going with Seb?”

Mark smiled back, giving nothing away, rather enjoying this little game.

“Yes, I'll be in Australia,” he confirmed.

“Will you?” smiled Melanie.

Fabian frowned at her. “Well of course he will. That's where Mark's from, isn't it?”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark. “Very close to home.”

Fabian looked at his sisters triumphantly. They were so stupid sometimes.

“Will you see your family when you're out there then?” asked Fabian politely.

“Yes.”

Fabian eye-balled Mel and Stef. “Got any sisters?”

Mark huffed a laugh. “Just the one. Older.”

“Want some of mine?”

“Fabian!” called out Stefanie.

Fabian shrugged unrepentantly and Mark attempted to look neutral.

“And will Seb be accompanying you when you go visit your family then Mark?” pressed Melanie.

“That's the general plan, yes,” affirmed Mark.

He thought Mel was starting to push her luck, and enough time had surely passed now, so he started to get up.

“I think I'll go see if they need me in there,” he excused.

 

 

 

Once in the kitchen Sebastian had stood about awkwardly waiting while the kettle boiled, actually hoping one of his parents might ask a leading question about Mark being there to get him going.

Getting nothing, he forced himself to make a start.

“So, umm, I hope I'm not causing a problem for lunch or anything with bringing Mark?”

“Hmm? Oh no sweetheart, no problem. There's plenty to go around,” replied his mother.

“Why didn't you mention he was coming?” asked his father.

Sebastian paused, trying to work out what to say. No lying, that much he had decided. He leaned back against the edge of the kitchen table, trying to feel a little less silly standing in the middle of the room.

“Umm, well...”

“Was it a last-minute decision?” wondered his mother helpfully.

No lying.

“No. I, umm, I guess I wasn't sure how to mention it,” admitted Sebastian. He could feel himself going a little pink again.

 

His parents abandoned their drink making and looked at him.

Oh god, thought Seb. Dive in. No other way.

“I asked him to come with me,” confessed Sebastian.

His father glanced at his mother.

“Well he's always welcome dear,” offered his mother.

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course,” she insisted.

Sebastian looked over at his father. He looked like he was dying to say something when Sebastian's mother carried on.

“Isn't he?”

She looked pointedly at her husband.

“Of course,” confirmed Norbert. “And he was with you in Barcelona?”

“ _Norbert_ ,” warned his wife, not wishing to make her son feel uncomfortable.

Seb decided to go with it.

“Yeah I asked him to come with me there too.”

 

He felt his heart speed up as he looked over at his parents' carefully composed faces. He took a breath.

“I asked him to come with me here, so we could, well _I_ could, tell you, that, umm, well, we're together. Now.” he stumbled.

“Mark and I,” he added unnecessarily.

 

His mother smiled.

“Yes dear.”

She didn't sound in the least surprised, which had the converse effect of surprising Sebastian.

“Why didn't you say?” asked his father.

Seb frowned. “Well I wanted to tell you in person.”

At least they didn't seem unhappy, he thought.

“But at Christmas?” pressed his father.

Sebastian continued to frown. “We weren't together at Christmas.”

His parents looked at one another.

“You weren't?” questioned his father.

Sebastian was definitely pink now.

“Umm. No. You thought we were?”

His mother spoke up. “Well we weren't sure, I mean not at first, but well, we weren't sure...” she shrugged.

 

Sebastian wondered what he and Mark had done to make them think that. His sisters he could understand, they were like a dog with a bone when they got an idea in their heads, but his parents surprised him.

“You're obviously very close, I mean you were,” tried his father.

Seb shook his head. “I told you we were just friends.”

“Right,” his father frowned. “But now you're not?”

“We're still friends, but umm, yeah not just friends, we're together. Mark's my boyfriend.”

 

It was the first time he'd actually used the word to anyone else. He hadn't even used the phrase when he'd told Dr. Menton that they were now a couple.

“Well that's nice,” accepted his mother.

Sebastian almost laughed at how easily she took it in her stride while his father was still trying to straighten things out.

“So since when?” asked his dad.

“Oh Norbert, leave him be. It doesn't matter. Don't interrogate him.”

 

His mother went over and gave him a hug.

“I'm glad you could tell us dear,” she praised. “And it's nice that Mark came with you.”

Seb's mother thought it was a good sign that Mark was supportive of her son.

Sebastian smiled at his mother.

“You like Mark don't you?” he checked.

“Of course, but it doesn't really matter what we think sweetheart. It matters that _you_ like him.”

“Well, yes.”

That was really rather the point of them being together he thought. Seb felt his colour go back down and his heart-rate return to normal.

 

Seb looked over at his father.

“New Year,” he stated, answering his earlier question, feeling much more confident now.

His father just nodded. They'd not been far off then.

“You wouldn't think I'd lie to you?” questioned Sebastian.

His mother shot his father a disapproving look.

“Of course we don't. Don't be silly Seb. Ignore your father being nosy. That's your business. All we care about is that you're happy.”

She looked at him more carefully. “Mark does make you happy doesn't he?”

“Yes,” stated Sebastian firmly.

“He does. He's great. I've never been so happy,” he let out, finally relaxing.

“Well that's all that matters.”

She looked back at her husband expectantly.

Norbert snapped himself out of it. “Of course it is.”

He went over and gave his son a hug. “If you're happy, we're happy.”

Sebastian felt a brief echo of deja vu.

 

There was a quiet tap on the door and Mark appeared. He looked at Sebastian and tried to get a read of the situation.

“I came to see how you were getting on. I mean, um, if you needed a hand?”

Seb smiled at him. “We're good thanks.”

“Yeah?” Mark double-checked.

Sebastian gave him an almost imperceptible nod and Mark knew everything was okay. He walked in to join them and was just wondering what he ought to say when Sebastian's mother hugged him without warning.

Mark gave little laugh. Things were definitely okay then.

“Umm, thanks.”

Seb's father looked over and merely nodded at him. Mark nodded back thinking you couldn't say fairer than that. It must be a strange thing for him to get his head around, particularly seeing as Sebastian had only come out to his parents a few months ago.

He settled himself leaning on the edge of the kitchen table next to Seb and gave him a smile, so far so good.

  
“So have you told your family then Mark?” asked Seb's mother.

“Oh, umm, yes we're going out to see them when we're there for the race,” Mark.

“So you'll be there for that?” queried Norbert.

Mark glanced at Sebastian. “Yes.”

“Mark's coming to the race with me Dad,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Right.”

Seb gave Mark a look. They both knew what he was getting at.

“It'll be fine Dad,” assured Sebastian.

His father nodded.

Mark gave him a shrug and Seb realised they may as well talk about it.

Sebastian sighed. “We're not sure what we're doing yet.”

“About what?” wondered his mother.

“About telling people,” explained Seb.

She looked at her husband and he clarified. “They mean going public.”

Norbert looked at the pair of them. “That is what you mean, isn't it?”

Sebastian nodded.

“We've not decided anything,” piped up Mark, not wishing to alarm Seb's parents.

“I don't see why it's anyone's business,” stated Seb's mother firmly.

Seb smiled, he knew she'd be on his side whatever happened.

 

His father nodded in agreement.

Seb sighed. “It isn't, but it's not that simple.” He glanced at Mark again. “I want Mark to be able to come to races with me. When he can anyway. And I want to be able to go along with him.”

“I see,” sounded his father, sounding cautious.

“We shouldn't have to hide,” protested Sebastian.

His mother frowned at her husband. “Of course you shouldn't. Why would anyone care?”

Mark looked at Sebastian feeling as though he was asking permission to stick his oar in.

“Because they will I'm afraid,” he noted.

“Hmm,” agreed Norbert.

Seb's mother shook her head, annoyed. “What's it got to do with anyone else? You should just do whatever makes you happy.”

“I wish it was that simple Mum,” sighed Sebastian.

Mark moved a little closer over to him and spoke more to him than his parents.

“So do I, but we know it's not.”

“Well it all seems very silly to me,” said Seb's mother defiantly.

Sebastian shook his head and gave a dry laugh.

“Oh come on Mum. You know what people are like. There'll be a big fuss in all the papers. They'll dig into our lives, they'll hassle you...” He puffed out a breath. “I don't want that. But I don't want to not be able to do what we want either. I don't want to have to pretend we're not who we are. That isn't right.”

 

Norbert looked at the pair of them sat so close together. He thought if that was how they were going to behave when they were at races it wasn't going to take much effort from people to work out what was going on.

“No it's not right,” he agreed, “but it is how it is.”

Sebastian let out a frustrated breath and Mark instinctively put his arm around him and gave Seb a squeeze.

“Your dad's right Seb. Isn't right, but it's how it is.”

He looked over at Sebastian's parents who were deliberately not reacting at seeing them so close.

“We haven't decided anything,” Mark repeated.

He gave Seb another squeeze and looked at him.

“It'll be okay, whatever happens, alright?”

Seb nodded, gathering himself. He looked at his parents.

“You'll support us, won't you? Whatever we decide?”

“Of course we will,” assured his father firmly. “Won't we, Heike?” he addressed his wife.

“Yes. Of course we will,” she confirmed. “And don't go worrying about the press bothering us. We know how to deal with them.”

She thought they'd had plenty of approaches from the media over the years and they'd made it very clear that they didn't deal with them.

Mark raised an eyebrow. “This would be on another scale, believe me,” he warned.

Sebastian's mother huffed out another annoyed breath at the world threatening to make her son unhappy.

“Whatever you decide, you'll talk to us, won't you?” pressed Norbert.

“Yes of course,” confirmed Sebastian. Mark nodded.

“Okay. Well, like your mother says. Don't go worrying about it, okay?”

Seb nodded. Nothing could be straight-forward for them, could it?

 

He pulled away from Mark.

“I want to go talk to the others. Can you give me a minute?” Seb addressed the room generally.

Mark nodded assent and his mother gave him a vague. “Of course dear,” before turning her attention back to making drinks.

Sebastian gave Mark a look of slight trepidation and Mark gave him a little shrug and a smile.

“I can...” Mark started, offering to go through with him.

Seb shook his head, and Mark merely assented, “okay then,” before Sebastian left the room.

 

Mark stayed where he was. He was about to offer to help Sebastian's mother when Norbert walked over to him. He glanced back at his wife to check that she wasn't paying them too much attention before he spoke quietly to Mark.

“You know this could damage his career,” he remarked sadly.

Mark closed his eyes a moment. “I know. I'm sorry.”

He wondered if Seb's father blamed him. That would hardly be fair, but parents weren't rational when it came to protecting their children.

Norbert sighed. “I wish it wasn't so, but we know how the world works.” He thought his wife was being rather naïve about the situation.

Mark stood upright.

“Yeah. Look, I am sorry, but there's no easy option here. I wish there was. All I care about is Seb. Alright?”

He looked firmly at Sebastian's father who was a little taken aback at Mark's assertiveness.

“Yes, okay.”

Mark shook his head before continuing quietly.

“If Seb wanted it that way I could not go to any races. We could live our lives quietly away from the spotlight and hope no one noticed and that people would just let us be. That's all we really want. But Seb wants me to come along with him, and I want to be able to support him when I can.”

 

Norbert puffed out a breath. That was more than reasonable and wasn't that what he wanted for his son? Someone who cared about him? Someone who supported him and put him first? It wasn't hard to see that Mark was a decent person and Sebastian obviously cared for him in return.

“Yes of course Mark. I understand that, but we have to be realistic.”

“We are. Seb is well aware of what could happen, we both are. I don't want to cause him any problems, or you for that matter.”

“Well no, don't worry about us,” conceded Norbert.

“I care about him,” confessed Mark. “I had my chance in F1, but Seb's still young. I wouldn't do anything to damage that, or to hurt him. Okay?”

He hadn't quite meant to let out that much, but he was being honest.

Sebastian's father nodded. Things were clearly pretty serious between them. Somehow he found himself automatically trusting Mark.

“We're not going to rush into anything,” assured Mark.

He sighed. “I wish there _was_ an easy option, but there isn't.”

Norbert nodded again. He wished there was too.

“Okay,” he consented, deciding to let the matter rest. They'd just have to hope for the best and support Sebastian whatever happened.

 

Seb's mother looked over at them speaking conspiratorially and wondered what they were discussing.

“Norbert. Why don't you see if you can find that tray for me?” she requested, intending to break them up. She went to check on the roast in the oven, killing time to give Sebastian a little space with his siblings.

 

 

 

Sebastian walked back into the lounge to find his sisters giggling and his brother looking bored, playing on his phone.

“You took your time,” commented Stefanie.

“Where is everyone?” wondered Fabian.

Sebastian ignored them and sat back down on the sofa.

He took a deep breath. “I suppose you're wondering why Mark is here?”

“Not really,” dead-panned Melanie.

Sebastian shook his head at her. His sisters really were incorrigible. He turned his attention more to his brother.

“Yeah, so Mark...” he paused, wondering how the hell he was meant to do this.

Seb puffed out a breath.

“He's here with me. _With_ me.”

Fabian looked at him blankly.

“He's my boyfriend now,” Sebastian spelt out.

Fabian blinked at him.

“What?”

“Mark. He's...”

Fabian stared him in shock.

“You said you were just friends,” gaped Fabian.

Seb sighed. “We were. We still are friends. But things changed. Between us I mean.”

Fabian frowned at him.

“He's your boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn't you tell us?”

 

Fabian sounded slightly upset and Sebastian felt terrible for leaving it so long.

“I'm sorry. I'm telling you now. I wanted to see you.”

“Told you,” said Melanie, smiling to her sister.

“Oh Mel would you please shut up?” bit Sebastian, annoyed with her triumphalism.

“You could have said at Christmas,” noted Stefanie.

Seb looked at her.

“Well no I couldn't actually Stef, because we weren't together then.”

His sisters both looked slightly astonished.

“You weren't?” questioned Stefanie.

“No we weren't. I wasn't lying to you. We were just friends then, but now it's different.”

Melanie looked as though she was about to make a joke, but even her older sister gave her a look that told her not to.

“Oh. Okay then.”

“Not quite so clever as you thought you were Mel?” shot Sebastian.

Melanie shrugged. She didn't know why her brother was being so sensitive about it.

 

Seb looked back at his brother.

“We weren't lying Fabe, okay? We just hadn't worked it out.”

“Okay,” replied his brother cautiously.

“Well I could have told you,” started Melanie.

Stefanie turned to her sister. “Mel give it a rest. Seb that's great. We're very happy you.”

She raised her eyebrows at Melanie expectantly.

“Yeah. Of course we are,” agreed Melanie, finally settling down. “Sorry. Yeah Seb, we are, really.”

Sebastian looked at his sisters. They could be annoying as hell, but they meant well, mostly.

“Thank you.”

He looked back at his brother.

“Fabe?”

“Yeah.”

“You like Mark don't you?” Seb tried.

“Of course I do.”

 

Fabian couldn't quite work out why he felt so weird about it. He did like Mark. It was good that his brother had someone. It was just a bit weird.

“So you're alright with it?” checked Sebastian.

“Yeah, of course.”

“Good. That means a lot,” insisted Seb.

Fabian frowned. “Does it?”

Sebastian smiled. “Of course it does.”

Fabian simply nodded. Sebastian thought maybe he just needed a bit of time to get his head around the idea.

Seb decided to leave it for now and went to go help bring drinks through, letting the others know that the coast was clear.

 

 

Lunch passed without much incident. Sebastian's sisters managed to restrain themselves from gloating too obviously about how they'd known the score all along. He let them know that they were still uncertain what they were going to do about going public and they agreed to hold with the status quo until told otherwise.

Fabian still seemed a little quiet though. Sebastian wondered if perhaps the reality of him having a boyfriend was more difficult than the abstract concept of him being gay for his little brother to comprehend. It did make it much more real.

His brother hadn't immediately placed himself by Seb or Mark at the dinner table which was odd seeing as they couldn't get rid of him at Christmas. He wasn't talking much to Mark either and that bothered Sebastian, particularly seeing as he knew how much he liked him.

 

 

After lunch when they were sat around in the lounge, Fabian excused himself, saying he had homework he had to finish. Seb waited a while before whispering to Mark that he wanted to talk to Fabian and apologising as he abandoned him with the rest of his family, before heading upstairs to tackle his brother.

 

Seb knocked on Fabian's bedroom door.

“Can I come in?”

He heard a mumbled positive and let himself in.

“Anything I can help with?”

Fabian pushed his book away.

“Physics. You can do it if you like?”

Sebastian laughed. “No, I think you'd have more luck than me, unless it's about aerodynamics, in which case I might stand a chance.”

Fabian shook his head. “Radioactivity.”

“Err, no then.”

Sebastian went to sit on his bed.

“Are we alright Fabe?” he queried.

Fabian swivelled his chair around to face his brother and shrugged.

“Yeah, course.”

Sebastian nodded. “You just seem very quiet.”

Fabian shrugged again. Sebastian almost laughed. He knew he did exactly the same when he did know how to express himself or when he was avoiding talking about something. He wondered how it didn't drive Mark mad.

 

Seb frowned. “Look Fabe, I'm sorry we didn't tell you sooner. We just needed some space and I needed to get myself together a bit to tell you all.”

Fabian looked at him wondering what his brother meant by that.

“Is it weird, being with Mark?”

Sebastian laughed. “No. It's good.”

He looked at his brother.

“We're happy. He makes me happy Fabe,” he said softly.

“That's okay with you isn't it?” Seb checked.

Fabian felt bad that his brother was having to ask his permission to be happy.

“Of course.”

“So why are you avoiding us?” accused Sebastian cautiously. He felt as though it was important he get to the root of this, whatever it was.

“I'm not. I've got to do this,” excused Fabian, gesturing vaguely at his desk.

“ _Fabe?”_ pushed Sebastian.

Fabian relented. “Okay. Fine. Why didn't you tell me?”

Sebastian heard the hurt in his voice.

“I'm sorry Fabian. We just needed a bit of time, and I wanted to tell you in person.”

“But before?”

“Fabian,” sighed Seb. “I'm not lying. We weren't together before. We were just friends. I was telling you the truth.”

Fabian shook his head. “But you liked him. You must have liked him? And you never said.”

“Fabe.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

 

Sebastian huffed out a frustrated breath and rubbed his hands over his face.

“Don't you trust me?”

“Ah Fabian, it's not like that. Come on.”

“You could have told me. Maybe I could have helped?” suggested Fabian.

Sebastian looked at him raising his eyebrows.

His brother shrugged. “You could at least have talked to me.”

Sebastian opened out his hands in capitulation.

“I'm sorry. Okay? Haven't you ever liked someone and not known what to do about it?”

Fabian shrugged in agreement.

Seb gave him a rueful smile. “Yeah, well I hate to break it to you Fabe, but it doesn't get any easier. Not for me at any rate.”

 

He looked at his brother trying to be as open as possible to compensate for not being so before.

“Look, I didn't say anything because I felt stupid about it. I liked Mark, but I didn't think he felt the same way and I didn't think that was going to change, so why go on about it making me miserable?”

“Oh,” Fabian felt awful that his brother had been unhappy. “I'm sorry. I wish you'd said.”

Seb nodded. “Well I'm sorry too. It was complicated. I didn't want to lose Mark as a friend. He's very important to me, okay?”

Fabian nodded.

“Only it turned out Mark felt the same way. It just took us a long time to work that out.”

Fabian finally smiled. “Good job he did.”

Seb huffed a laugh. “You're telling me.”

Fabian nodded. “Yeah. Sorry I was being an idiot.”

Seb shook his head. “No. It's okay. At least you're not saying 'I told you so' every five minutes like Mel and Stef.”

Fabian rolled his eyes. “They think they know everything.”

Sebastian sat back on the bed, leaning against the wall.

“Yeah, well they don't,” stated Sebastian.

Fabian nodded in solidarity at the unavoidable trouble sisters caused.

 

“So,” tried Seb, “are we actually okay then?”

“Yes. We're okay. And I am pleased for you. Honestly Seb, I am.”

“Well thank you. That does mean a lot to me you know?” insisted Sebastian.

Fabian nodded, feeling honoured that his older brother cared so much what he thought.

“It'll mean a lot to Mark as well.” added Sebastian. “You're okay with him too aren't you?”

Fabian frowned. “Course.”

“Because you've hardly spoken to him this afternoon.”

Fabian opened his mouth to protest, but he knew that was true. He hadn't handled the shock of Seb's news well.

 

“Sorry.”

“You like Mark, don't you?”

“Yeah, course I do.”

“Good. He'd be disappointed otherwise,” stated Sebastian.

“Would he?”

Seb laughed. “Well yeah Fabe.”

He shrugged at his brother, thinking about how nice it had been that they'd got on so well at Christmas.

“You know, Mark doesn't have any brothers. I think he quite liked the idea of you being like one.”

Fabian laughed, rather flattered at the notion.

“Guess he's got you.”

Seb pulled a face and laughed. “Yeah. I'm definitely not like a brother to him.”

Fabian looked slightly embarrassed. “Oh, umm, yeah. Guess not. Anyway. Mark's okay. I like him. It's kinda cool that he's a Le Mans driver.”

Sebastian gave him a look pretending to be affronted.

“Cooler than being an F1 driver?”

Fabian shrugged. “He's already been an F1 driver. They drive all through the night. That's really tough.”

Seb nodded. “I guess you're right. Yeah.”

 

There was a knock on the door and Mark appeared.

“Am I interrupting?” he checked.

“Nope,” allowed Fabian before his brother had time to speak.

Mark looked at Seb and reading his relaxed body-language, went over to sit with him on the bed.

Sebastian gave him a little look to indicate that they had straightened things out and Mark sat back, relieved that it was the case.

“Fabian's trying to get me to do his homework,” joked Sebastian.

Mark laughed. “Onto nothing there Fabe. We racing drivers aren't too bright. You can't be if you're willing to fling yourself around at 200 miles an hour.”

Sebastian laughed and Fabian shook his head at the silliness of the suggestion. His brother had shown him how F1 cars worked and he'd been stunned at how complicated they were.

 

“You'll be driving at Le Mans this year again won't you Mark?” queried Fabian.

“Yep,” nodded Mark.

“Are you going?” he asked his brother.

Seb nodded. “Yes, can't wait.” He smiled over at Mark.

Fabian had an idea. “Can I come too?”

Sebastian and Mark looked at one another.

Seb frowned. “I don't think Mum would go for it Fabe.”

“Why not?” pushed Fabian.

Seb shook his head. “Up all night, in the middle of school...”

“Its a weekend,” protested Fabian.

“In the middle of term,” pointed out Sebastian. “I don't think so Fabian, sorry.”

Fabian looked at Mark to appeal to him, but Mark stood firm with Sebastian.

“Sorry Fabian. One day maybe.”

Fabian pouted, unhappy at being denied.

 

“Right, come on. Let's go down,” suggested Seb, moving things along. He looked at his watch. “We've got to go in an hour.”

 

 

Back in the lounge Sebastian's mother asked them what they had been talking about upstairs.

“Mark says I can go watch him at Le Mans,” stated Fabian.

Sebastian and Mark stared at each other, taken aback at his cheek.

Seb coughed. “Er, _one day_ , maybe, in the future.”

Fabian, not to be deterred, tried another tack. “Can I come stay with you sometime then instead?”

Mel and Stefanie looked at one another, wondering if Fabian knew something they didn't.

“Are you _living_ together?” asked Stefanie.

Sebastian nearly laughed at them touching on something that had been rather a sore point so recently.

“No,” stated Sebastian.

“We're just a few miles apart,” put in Mark.

Strictly speaking their houses were, it was fairly rare that the two of them were in their own houses separately these days.

 

Norbert shook his head. “Fabian stop causing trouble and make yourself useful. Go put the kettle on.”

Fabian left the room knowing he was defeated. He went into the kitchen as instructed and stood around wondering how he could persuade his parents let him go to England to visit his brother on his own. How cool would it be to hang out with Seb and Mark to be treated like a grown-up for a bit?

 

“What time do you have to go?” asked Norbert.

“Four,” answered Seb, as he and Mark took up places on the sofa

“Couldn't you stay?” asked his mother.

Sebastian shook his head. “I've got to be in Milton Keynes for work in the morning. Sorry.”

“That's a shame. Some other time?” she looked at both of them and they nodded in agreement.

Seb looked over at his sisters who were chatting amongst themselves. He smiled, regarding them out of the corner of his eye as he ostensibly addressed his parents.

“Mark's learning German, aren't you?” he turned back to Mark.

Mark coughed. “Oh umm.”

Sebastian glanced over at his sisters who had abruptly stopped talking. He smirked at them as they looked a little guilty.

“Are you Mark? That's nice,” commented his mother, thinking that was a sweet thing to do.

“Umm, yeah, sort of, I've not really started yet properly.”

“It'd be useful for his work too,” explained Sebastian.

“I'm not sure I'll be any good.”

“Well Seb will have to help you, won't you dear,” stated Sebastian's mother.

Seb smiled at Mark, looking pleased with himself. Mark shook his head starting to regret ever mentioning it.

 

Sebastian's parents went to go help Fabian make some more drinks and they filled the remainder of their time mostly with small talk until it got close to the time their taxi was booked to take them back to the airport.

 

 

 

“We'll take those through,” offered Seb, gathering up the accumulated mugs and plates before his parents had time to object. Mark copied him and they carried as many as they could manage into the kitchen, dumping them by the sink.

 

“All good then?” asked Mark.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian. “You know I almost wish we could stay.”

Mark smiled. “We can come again when we've more time.”

Seb nodded. Of course they could. He always felt as though he'd just got started up again being properly normal with his family when he had to leave again.

Mark moved to stand in front of Sebastian.

“Glad you've got this sorted though, right?”

“Yeah definitely. Thank you for coming with me.”

Mark smiled warmly at him. “Course. No problem.”

“It's kind of nice to get things settled before before the season starts,” explained Seb.

“Yeah. I get that,” agreed Mark. He understood how you tended to get swept away once the season started in earnest. The normal everyday world outside of the F1 bubble almost ceased to exist.

“I mean, I know we've not got everything sorted.”

“We'll work it out,” assured Mark. He didn't want to let Sebastian feel pressured into thinking they had to make a decision about their going public.

“You're still alright coming to see my family aren't you?” checked Mark.

“Sure.”

 

Seb did feel a little apprehensive about it, but he was aware he was being silly when he knew how nice they were. It wasn't even as if they were going to make some kind of grand announcement seeing as Mark's family already knew about them. It was only fair to return the favour to go see his family when Mark had come with him today.

Mark looked at him checking he meant that.

“It's good. I'm actually quite looking forward to going out to Australia,” asserted Sebastian.

That was true. He was. A damn sight more than last year certainly, and everything would be fine if Mark was with him. Seb conveniently overlooked how they were going to manage keeping their relationship quiet for the time-being.

Mark smiled. “Well not long to wait.”

Seb nodded. “I'm glad you're coming with me.”

Sebastian moved in closer and slung his arms around Mark's neck. He pushed up on his toes and gave him a kiss.

Mark laughed as Seb lowered himself back down, leaving his arms in place holding onto him.

“I hate to break it to you Seb, but I was going anyway.”

“Well thank you anyway. I'm glad you'll be with me.”

“Wouldn't miss it.”

 

Mark put his arms around Sebastian and linked them behind his back. He shook his head a fraction.

“You know it's going to be a bit complicated.”

Seb gave a resigned little sigh. “Isn't it always?”

Mark raised an acknowledging eyebrow and smiled some more.

“It'll be okay. We'll work it out.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We'll be okay Seb,” assured Mark. “No stressing.”

“Okay,” consented Sebastian.

“Okay,” confirmed Mark.

He leant in and kissed Seb and for a few moments they forgot where they were again. As they separated Sebastian sighed happily thinking how he didn't care where he was as long as Mark was there.

Sebastian rested the side of his head down on Mark's shoulder and Mark leant in his cheek against Seb's head and let his eyes fall closed. They stood wrapped up together contentedly, taking a moment's peace before they had to go off to face the fuss of travelling again.

 

 

 

Sebastian's mother stood frozen in the half open doorway holding the remaining used coffee cups. Her husband walked up behind her and was about to ask her why she'd stopped when he saw the scene in front of him. His wife shook herself out of it and silently let the door shut and indicated that they should go upstairs before they spoke.

They ditched the cups on the hall table and went up without making a noise. Once in their room she finally opened her mouth only to find that she had no idea what to say.

“Well,” she started and then stopped.

“I thought you were fine with it?”

She shook her head. “I am. I just. I didn't realise... I mean that they were... I mean they're really... serious.”

Her husband nodded. That little accidental glimpse had told them more than all the talking they'd done today. It was only too obvious that the two weren't just together. They were in love.

“They're not going to able to hide that for very long are they?” commented Norbert.

His wife shook her head knowing that was true. Nothing to be done about it though. Things were what they were. They'd just have to deal with the consequences. In the meantime they should just be pleased that their son found someone who made him happy.

 

She felt suddenly choked at the thought that Sebastian hadn't been happy in the past.

“They seem happy don't they?” Heike prompted.

“Yes they do. I suppose that's all we can ask,” remarked her husband.

His wife nodded, feeling emotional.

“I don't think Seb was before at all. I hate thinking that he was unhappy and he couldn't tell us.”

Norbert sighed, they'd been over this many times since their son had finally come out to them. It was hard not to worry that his reticence meant that they were bad parents.

“We hardly saw him. It just,” she took a sharp breath trying not to get upset, “it felt like we hardly knew our own son.”

“Well its better these days isn't it?” calmed Norbert.

“Yes. I think we've seen him more in the past six months than in the last two years combined.”

 

Seb's father paused for a moment, about to contradict her, but thinking about it he realised that his wife must be right; Christmas and coming along to a race or two was about the extent of the time they'd spent with their son for years.

“And he seems much healthier. I think he was making himself ill,” worried Seb's mother.

“He seems fine now,” reassured her husband. He'd been as concerned as she had been last year at the state of their son as they watched helplessly on television as Sebastian struggled in his career, and they saw him looking tired and thin.

“I'm glad he's finally talking to us,” commented Norbert.

His wife nodded. “I knew something was wrong, for such a long time.”

“I know.”

Her voice caught. “How did we let him get so far away?”

“Oh sweetheart, they have to grow up.”

“It wasn't the same with the girls,” countered his wife.

“Ah well, with his driving it was always going to be difficult.”

“We let it go too far,” Seb's mother protested.

 

It was an argument they'd had for years; how much they should they let their son have his freedom to pursue his career at the cost of being apart from them.

Norbert sighed. Maybe she was right. He had hated how distant their son had been.

“I think it's okay now,” he assured his wife.

She nodded.

“I feel like we've got our son back,” she stated.

“I think someone else has him now,” noted Norbert with a wry smile.

Heike managed a smile at his little joke, but she still felt like crying.

Her husband gave her a hug.

“Come on now, don't get upset. It's a good thing. Seb's in a much better place now.”

She pulled herself together and smiled.

“You know I think we might have Mark to thank for that.”

Sebastian's mother hadn't failed to notice how her son's friendship with Mark had coincided with Seb's improvement both in himself and his relationship with them.

 

“Hmm,” mulled Norbert. “I'm still surprised Seb says it's only since after Christmas that they've been together.”

“Now Norbert, if they say it was after then, then that's how it is,” asserted his wife.

“If you say so.”

He was still convinced that he'd seen evidence enough the last time they'd visited.

“They seemed very close to me,” he continued.

“Ah well, does it matter?” she countered. “Do you really want to know how they're classifying being _together?”_

His wife raised a challenging eyebrow and Norbert realised he definitely didn't want to think too much about those kind of details.

“Umm, no,” he laughed.

His wife smiled, feeling rather better about things and enjoying teasing her husband a little despite the fact that she didn't really want to know too much about those sort of matters in regard to their son either.

“They're happy and I think Mark is good for him,” asserted Heike. “You like him don't you?”

“Mark? Yes. Yes I suppose we didn't really know him back in the day. He obviously cares a great deal for Seb.”

 

He thought how they'd had little more contact than a polite hello in the garage or the RedBull motorhome at races when Mark had been their son's team-mate.

“Of course he does.” Heike thought that much was abundantly clear.

“What were you talking to him about before?” wondered his wife.

Norbert paused before admitting. “About them going public.”

“Oh. Oh well don't interfere dear. It's their choice.”

“Hmm.” Norbert sounded dubious.

His wife huffed. “If Seb wants Mark to go to races with him, we should be pleased that he wants to go and support him.”

“I am pleased,” sighed Norbert. “But you know there's going to be trouble.”

She huffed with annoyance again. “Its got nothing to do with anyone else.”

 

He gave her a look, partially wondering if his wife really was in denial and partly wondering if he should just let her loose on the press when the news broke as it was bound to sooner or later. Five minutes with Seb's enraged mother defending their son and surely any journalist would be left quaking.

“No, well, we'll just have to handle it, won't we?” he compromised.

“Yes we will,” insisted his wife. “Just don't go making them worry about it.”

“No, alright,” conceded Norbert.

His wife nodded. The last thing she wanted was anything spoiling the happiness she finally saw in her son.

“Let's go back down and spend a bit more time with them before they have to go then,” suggested Seb's father.

Heike nodded at her husband and they headed downstairs and into the kitchen, making sure they made plenty of noise so that they wouldn't be interrupting anything.

 

 

 

They stood on the doorstep getting hugs all round from the family as they said goodbye.

“Well don't be strangers,” instructed Seb's mother.

Sebastian shook his head and told her not to fuss, giving her another hug.

“Gotta go. Taxi's waiting,” declared Seb, detaching himself so they could go.

 

 

Seb slumped back in his seat in the taxi as they pulled away and let out a whoosh of air.

Mark smiled over at him. “Good to be going home now?”

Sebastian smiled back. “Well you know. Nice to visit. Nice to go home.”

 

Mark was reminded again of their discussion the previous night. If he was entirely honest with himself, Mark _had_ been a little disappointed that Sebastian had turned down his proposal that he move in with him. But how could he feel hurt when Seb had said that he wanted to be with him all the time? If he needed to take things gradually that was hardly surprising. Mark could have told him how he wanted Seb to always be at his place, how it only really felt like home when Seb was there, how he liked the thought of Sebastian being there even when he had to go away. But that would only have put pressure on Seb and perhaps might have persuaded him to agree to it just to make Mark happy before he was truly ready.

That wouldn't have been right. Mark knew he would only have ended up feeling guilty about it and then both of them might have been unhappy which was the opposite of his intent. Maybe he was being too possessive, too impatient? Besides, he'd meant what he'd said; how could he be disappointed when Sebastian had been quite certain that their living together was an inevitability? You'd be hard pressed to count that as any kind of rejection. If Mark thought about it they pretty much were living together anyway and Seb had asked to move more of his stuff in, so that was another step, they just needed to take that final step. They'd get there.

 

Sebastian looked over at Mark lost in thought.

“You tired?”

“Hmm? Yeah a bit. You're right, good to be going home. Wherever that is,” teased Mark, daring that they were settled enough to be able to joke about it.

“Home's wherever you are,” stated Seb simply.

Mark couldn't help but laugh.

Seb frowned. “What?”

Mark shook his head, still smiling. “You should have just said that in the first place.”

“Hmm?”

Mark reached over and took Sebastian's hand and gave it a friendly squeeze.

“You say you're not very good at expressing yourself, but I can't think of a better way of putting it.”

Sebastian squeezed his hand back and smiled over at Mark, glad that they understood one another.

 

Seb's house, Mark's house, Spain, Germany, Australia, wherever. It didn't matter. As long as they were together, they were home.

 

 

 


	35. Upside Down

 

  

Mark and Seb sat in their seats on the plane for the last leg of their flight to Australia ready for the start of the season. They were travelling out early to allow them to spend some time with Mark's family which had the added benefit of meaning that there were no F1 personnel on their flight to see them together. In the darkened cabin they felt quite at ease leaning into to one another and talking quietly. If anyone on the plane had chosen to consider them it would have been only too obvious that the pair were a couple, but it seemed no one thought them worth their notice and right now most of their fellow travellers were asleep.

 

Seb shuffled round further in his seat to face into Mark.

“So what do you think we should do?”

“At the hotel?” queried Mark.

“Mmm.”

Mark sighed a little. They'd been over this a number of times but never really come up with a satisfactory answer.

He shrugged. “I don't know. We have three choices don't we? I come to your room and we risk someone from the team seeing; You come to my room and we risk someone coming looking for you and wondering where you are; Or we stay in our own rooms separately and just tough it out for a few nights.”

They were at least staying at the same hotel or it could have been even more complicated.

Seb pulled a face. “We're not doing the last one. What's the point of you being there if we're not together?”

Mark gave a resigned smile. “No, alright, so..?”

He felt as though Sebastian had to take the lead on this choice seeing as it was his race weekend that Mark was attending.

 

Sebastian puffed out a long breath. There were no easy options. Of course there weren't, how could he be surprised?

“I don't know, maybe we can just see how busy it is about the place?”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Mark, not wishing to let Seb worry about it. “I guess we can play it by ear. It'll be fine mate, okay?”

“Okay,” nodded Sebastian, knowing that they were just putting off facing reality again. Maybe it would be alright? Maybe they were thinking people would be far more interested in them than they really were when they all had their own concerns and business to occupy themselves?

 

At least thinking about how they were going to work out arrangements at the hotel for the race distracted Seb from being concerned at the idea of seeing Mark's family. It wasn't that he thought that they wouldn't be nice to him, or that they would disapprove of their relationship in any way. He'd had a perfectly enjoyable time visiting them last year and Mark had told them how pleased they had been at the news that they were together. It was just the idea of being officially presented that felt a little strange. Sebastian knew he was being silly about it, he knew it would be fine. In fact the sooner they got there the better as far as he was concerned, once the initial meeting was over he knew deep down that it would be okay, he just had to get past that bit first.

 

“No stressing, okay?” insisted Mark, seeing the cogs plainly whirring in Seb's head.

Sebastian gave a little nod and settled his head against Mark's shoulder to get some rest before they reached their destination. Things were going to get busy, they should make the most of the time they had undisturbed. As he drifted off to sleep, the last thought Seb had was that he wasn't giving this up, no matter how complicated and awkward it got he was going to be with Mark, they'd find a way.

 

 

 

Arriving at the airport in Canberra Mark spotted his parents over by the entrance and gave them a wave as they manhandled their luggage across the hallway.

“Hey,” greeted Mark as they reached the other side, temporarily dropping their bags as they came to a halt.

His parents offered back warm hellos and embraced them both in hearty hugs, Sebastian managing to get out a slightly awkward “Hi,” in response. Mark had to stop himself from laughing at Seb's somewhat squashed surprise at being met with such an immediately enthusiastic welcome.

As they shared out bags to carry back to the car, Mark wanted to reach over and give Seb a reassuring little kiss on the cheek to remind him to be happy and that he'd had nothing to worry about, but he found himself stopping as they were in such a public place where people might recognise him. It was a shame, but he had a nasty feeling that this was only the start of having to restrain themselves so that they didn't get found out.

 

 

On the journey back, Mark's parents informed them that Leanne was already waiting for them. Mark smiled over at Sebastian giving him a little warning look that if he thought his parents had been enthusiastic to see him, that was likely to be nothing compared to his sister.

Sebastian could do nothing but smile back, knowing how ridiculous it was to be even slightly alarmed that Mark's family were so welcoming.

 

By the time they pulled up at the house in Queanbeyan Leanne was already stood on the front doorstep beaming at them. As soon as they got out of the car she was over by them, grabbing her brother into a hug and crushing Seb so tight he thought she might have broken a rib.

“Seb, I have heard so much about you. It's great to really meet you,” enthused Leanne.

“Umm, thanks,” replied Sebastian, looking over at Mark who was now retrieving their luggage from the car. He wondered what precisely she had heard about him.

Mark shot his sister a look reminding her to keep quiet about certain matters they had, or in truth actually _hadn't_ , discussed.

“All good stuff,” assured Leanne lightly.

Seb nodded, not knowing quite how to respond. Mark's sister seemed nice anyway. Now that he saw her he realised he definitely had seen her before at a previous Australian Grand Prix; she was tall, lean and dark like her brother and seemed to possess a similar warm energy.

 

“Right come on, let's go in,” suggested Mark's father, hoisting a couple of bags up.

Picking up more baggage, Mark and Sebastian followed his lead and they went in and headed straight upstairs to Mark's bedroom to deposit their things.

“Well I'll go see if your Mum's put the kettle on,” said Mark's father, leaving them to it.

“Thanks Dad, we'll be down in a minute,” offered Mark.

He looked over at Seb who was stood there still not knowing quite what to do with himself.

“Alright?” Mark checked.

“Yeah, good thanks.”

Sebastian hesitated a moment, then said what was on his mind.

“Mark, what did your sister mean that she'd heard so much about me?”

Mark stopped. He could feel guilty, but he knew he really hadn't revealed any of Seb's secrets to his sister.

“Nothing. I dunno. I guess I talked about you a fair bit.”

He shrugged. “I had to talk to someone Seb, I was going a bit nuts back there.”

Sebastian nodded. That was fair enough. Things had been pretty mixed up between them. Mark could talk to his sister, he wouldn't have betrayed Seb's past to her, Mark wouldn't do that. He was just being paranoid. So what if Mark had told his sister how he felt about him before he'd admitted it to Seb. He'd told his therapist hadn't he? It really wasn't so very different. Everyone needed someone to confide in.

Sebastian glanced at the double bed. No need to mess about with sleeping arrangements here. Mark's parents clearly had no qualms about them being together. That was good. Seb wondered if he would have to raise that issue with his own parents next time they went to stay with them or whether they would automatically put them in the same room (preferably with a double bed rather than a ropey camp bed).

 

 

Back downstairs they sat around in the lounge drinking tea. Seb found himself loosening up in the relaxed atmosphere. Of course he'd been worrying over nothing, Mark's family were lovely. He was reminded how Mark's parents had welcomed him without question a year ago and how much he'd needed their kindness and home comforts after a dreadful race weekend. They really were both very lucky in their families.

 

Mark smiled at Seb as they sat together on the sofa whilst his sister was busy updating his parents on how their grandchildren were getting on at school.

“Alright?”

“Yep.”

“Tired?”

Sebastian laughed. “My body-clock is kinda screwed.”

“I know what you mean. I couldn't tell you which way is up right now.”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah.”

It didn't matter how many times he travelled the world, adjusting to time differences never got any easier.

Mark patted him on the knee. “We'll get an early night after dinner, try and catch up.”

Seb just smiled and nodded again. Mark's parents didn't even seem to notice how close they were. It was nice to be able to behave normally together. He didn't want to think about how difficult it was going to be once they got to the track at Albert Park; restraining themselves in public, watching every move they made around one another in case they gave their relationship away. It was going to be hell.

 

“So Mark said you've just been to visit your family?” prompted Leanne, returning her attention to them.

“Oh, umm yeah,” agreed Seb.

“How many brothers and sisters did you say you have?” queried Mark's mother. She thought Seb must have told them last time, but she could only remember that it was quite a few.

“Two sisters and a brother.”

“Older, or younger?”

“My sisters are older than me, my little brother Fabian is just sixteen,” explained Sebastian.

Leanne laughed. “Oh my goodness. That's the same age as my eldest.”

She looked over and shook her head at her brother winding up with a partner so much younger than himself.

“Oh well, he's the baby of the family. I think he was a little surprise bonus for my parents,” joked Sebastian.

It had certainly been a surprise to him at the age of eleven when he'd suddenly found himself with a new addition to the family, disrupting the place crying constantly and taking up all his mother's time when he had gotten used to being the centre of attention.

Everyone laughed at Seb's little joke and Mark's mother noted that it must be nice to be so close to home, which struck Sebastian as odd at first seeing as he lived in another country to his family, but compared to Australia, Germany wasn't so very far from England. He reminded himself that they should make sure that they visited his family as often as possible in the future.

 

Changing the subject, Mark's father asked them what their plans were for the upcoming race weekend.

“Well I've got some media stuff and then other than that I guess I'll just be watching the action on track,” stated Mark.

“From the garage? questioned his father.

Mark glanced over at Seb. It always seemed to come down to this. He sighed.

“Yeah. Look, we still don't really know what we're doing about, you know...”

His parents nodded, knowing what he meant. He had explained to them over the phone that now that he was with Sebastian he was having to rethink his original decision to keep his sexuality private. They understood the difficulty they were now presented with.

“Hmm,” agreed Alan looking at the pair of them, wondering how on earth they were going to manage keeping things quiet if Mark planned to be supporting Sebastian at races with the whole world watching.

“Is it really that bad?” wondered his sister.

Mark puffed out a breath, wishing they didn't have to discuss the matter yet again, but if he was asking them to keep their secret, they deserved an answer.

“We're not sure. I dunno. Give us a bit of time, okay? We'll work it out somehow.”

Mark glanced back at Sebastian at his side, knowing that answer was more to reassure him than his sister.

“Of course you will,” assured his mother. She hated that her son had to worry about such things. He seemed happy with Seb. It was a mystery to her why the world couldn't just be as happy for them as they were.

“No good worrying about it,” she insisted. “Now then, have you got any plans for while you're here?”

“Oh, umm not really. I just thought it'd be nice to hang out for a bit. How long are you here Leanne?” Mark turned to his sister.

“Just till tomorrow. I've got to get back before tea-time or there'll be chaos on Monday morning,” she explained, thinking how anyone without kids would never understand the amount of organisation that went into just getting them ready for school with everything they needed. Her husband would be doing his best with them this weekend but she'd put money on him tearing his hair out by the time she got back.

 

“Right then. I'll go get dinner started,” proposed Diane. “If the weather holds I thought we could have a barbecue for lunch tomorrow? Show Seb what it's really like to be an Aussie.”

Mark laughed and raised his eyebrows at Sebastian.

“They'll convert you yet,” he grinned.

Seb laughed thinking how nice it would be to at least get these few days of chilled out relaxation with Mark's family before the stress and worries and problems of the season truly kicked in.

 

 

 

That evening as they settled into their room for their early night, Mark returned from the bathroom to find Sebastian pulling on pyjamas.

Mark laughed and plucked at Seb's t-shirt top.

“Not seen these in a while,” he teased.

Sebastian looked a little abashed. “Oh, umm, well.” he shrugged.

“Just in case I don't get the message?”

They'd already had a conversation about the fact that doing anything with Mark's parents in the next room definitely wasn't happening.

“No,” insisted Seb. “I just, well. What if your mum walked in?”

Mark was still laughing. “I'm pretty sure she'd knock Seb.”

Sebastian just pulled a face.

“And even if she did, do you think she'd come in here to whip the covers off to check we were behaving ourselves?”

Mark raised an eyebrow at the ludicrousness of the idea.

Seb shook his head. “No, okay. I'm being stupid.”

Mark shook his head at him, but he was smiling. He slipped an arm around Seb and pulled him in.

“Stop worrying about everything, okay?”

 

Sebastian nodded but he couldn't help it. Now that they were in Australia it seemed that they were faced with the reality of the challenges they had to overcome. He knew they'd been living in a bubble up until now, and they hadn't even got to Melbourne yet. He still didn't want to think about how that was going to go.

Mark gave him a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek before letting go of Seb to go dig about in one of the chests of drawers in the room.

“What are you doing?” frowned Sebastian.

Mark pulled out an old pair of pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt.

“Ah ha,” he smiled back at Seb before coming back over to him. “See, now we're equal. No problem, right?”

 

Seb nodded, feeling reassured that at least if he was being silly about this then Mark was prepared to buy into it to make him feel better. He went to go clean his teeth before returning to the room to climb into bed with Mark.

He gave Mark a little kiss and snuggled in against him thinking that it was quite nice to be cosy like this.

Mark wrapped an arm around Seb to hold him close thinking whatever made Sebastian happy was fine by him.

 

 

 

Sebastian jerked up in the dead of night. His heart racing uncontrollably. He sat forward, gasping for breath, his skin clammy and uncomfortable. Mark woke realising something was wrong. He pushed himself up, reaching out to Seb as his brain tried to shake itself awake.

“Seb? What is it?”

Sebastian was still fighting the inexplicable panic that had gripped him while he was unconscious.

“Hey, hey Seb, calm down, what's the matter?” asked Mark, now startled into being completely alert.

Seb pulled his knees up and pressed his head down into them through the duvet trying to centre himself and slow his breathing. For the moment he didn't even appreciate that they weren't at home. He felt Mark stroking his back and urging him to slow his breathing and it gradually sank into him and he settled.

Mark moved away temporarily to switch on the bedside light so that he could check on Sebastian.

“Seb are you okay?” he checked.

Sebastian nodded and sat up a little, his breathing steadied but still feeling unnerved.

“I think maybe I just had a bad dream,” Sebastian speculated.

“Okay,” soothed Mark.

He wrapped his arms around Seb and leant into his back holding him against his chest. He could feel how hard Sebastian's heart was still pounding through his ribs. Seb placed his hands over Mark's holding him in place and finally calmed as he felt Mark's head rest against the back of his own.

 

They sat like that for a few minutes until Sebastian took a deep breath and let it out as he sat up. Mark let go of Seb so that he could turn to face him.

Mark placed his hand on the side of his face and stroked Seb's cheek with his thumb as he looked at him with concern.

“Are you alright?”

Sebastian nodded. He'd had enough bad dreams in his time, but none since he'd been with Mark. It was a shock.

As he looked back at Mark in the low light he was reminded by his surroundings that they were away from home and why that was.

Mark moved his hand down to rub Seb's upper arm.

“What was it about?” queried Mark.

He hoped it wasn't anything to do with his past. The idea that that could intrude when they were together like this was one he didn't want to entertain.

Sebastian let out another breath.

“I don't know.”

“Seb?” pushed Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“I don't. I don't remember anything. I just think I started freaking out while I was asleep.”

Mark frowned, not liking the sound of that at all.

“About the past?” he asked tentatively.

Sebastian shook his head again. He took another breath trying to keep himself steady. He felt as though his skin was tingling and his blood was too hot. He closed his eyes tight trying to work out what had upset him.

 

Mark moved his hand and felt how warm Seb's skin was. He turned and reached for a glass of water on the bedside cabinet to pass to him, waiting a moment before telling Sebastian he was going to go and open the window, returning to his side as quickly as possible.

“Better?” Mark checked.

Sebastian took another sip of water before passing it back to Mark. He took another breath and puffed it out. He still felt unsettled and wished very much that they were back home.

“Sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “It's alright. You really don't know what happened there?” he asked quietly.

Seb looked down and Mark took his hand squeezed it. Sebastian suddenly felt like bursting into tears. He fought to hold it back.

He looked up at Mark and squeezed his hand back.

“This is all real now isn't it?” Seb burst out.

“This?” frowned Mark.

“Us. Being together, and I don't know what we're going to do, when we get there.”

“To Melbourne?”

Seb nodded tightly.

“It'll be okay,” tried Mark.

“No. It won't. We can't just be together and be normal. We're going to have to sneak around and feel like we're doing something wrong when we're not. And I don't even know what we're going to do at the track,” spilled Sebastian.

 

Mark sighed and rubbed his thumb back and forth over the back of Seb's hand trying to reassure him.

“We'll find a way,” Mark insisted.

“How?” appealed Seb, feeling fear take a hold of him. “I think I've been pretending none of this was really happening.”

Mark frowned at that.

“I don't mean us. I mean the season. I mean the rest of the world. What it all means. I don't want to have to pretend to everyone. It feels like lying.”

Mark rubbed his face with his spare hand.

“Are you saying you want to tell people?” he asked.

Seb raised up his shoulders and shrugged.

“I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. I wish we could just do that and it be fine. Why can't it just be fine? Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated? Why does everything have to be so hard?”

 

He looked up and Mark hated seeing how pained Sebastian seemed. He wished with all his heart that he could just tell Seb that it would all be okay. That they could come out and the world would simply accept them as they were and that he didn't need to worry, but life wasn't like that.

Mark sighed. “I don't know,” he admitted. “I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't that way.”

“It's not fair,” complained Sebastian.

Mark shook his head sadly. “No. It's not.”

Sebastian swallowed.

“Is that what you had a bad dream about?” wondered Mark.

Seb furrowed his brow. “I'm not sure. Maybe. Maybe my subconscious has been worrying about this longer than I thought and I just panicked in my sleep.”

 

Mark squeezed his hand tighter, resenting the world for doing this to them when all they wanted was to be together and left in peace.

“I wish I could tell you it's all going to be easy. I wish I could say that everyone will accept us as we are and move on. I wish I could.”

Seb nodded again. He knew that was true, but Mark couldn't lie to him.

“So what do we do?” Sebastian asked helplessly.

“I don't know. Just go with things as they are for now maybe? Keep our heads down. We were okay at races last year weren't we? Nobody made much fuss about me being there in the garage and about the place.”

“Yeah but it was different then,” asserted Sebastian.

“I know, but I mean it's not going to look strange that I'm there particularly. You'll be busy with all the usual race weekend stuff and I've got a bunch of media stuff lined up. With any luck we'll have too much to do to be worrying about anything else.”

Sebastian gave a little nod. That much sounded accurate. They barely had any time to themselves at the track normally.

“So we just do all that and save this for when we're on our own. It's nobody else's business anyway.”

“And how do we get to be on our own?”

“At the hotel you mean?”

Seb nodded. “Yeah. We're still going to have to sneak around to get that. To get to be together.”

Mark huffed out a breath. “Yeah we are. It's shit and it's not right, but I don't know what else to do.”

 

Sebastian swallowed again. It was so unfair. And it hurt like anything, but it was what they had. Screaming at the world and freaking out wouldn't help them. It wasn't fair to expect Mark to come up with a solution either. It wasn't down to him. They had to find a way through together.

“Yeah, okay. I know. I'm sorry. It just sort of hit me a bit hard,” confessed Sebastian.

He puffed out a very long breath. “We'll be alright,” Seb asserted as much to himself as to Mark. “You're right. We'll be too busy at the track to worry about anything else, and the hotel...” he shrugged, “we'll just have to make the best of things.”

He gave Mark a half smile. “Could be worse. You could be staying at a different hotel.”

Mark huffed a laugh at that and pulled Seb into a tight hug. Sebastian closed his eyes and pressed his face into Mark's shoulder, wrapping his arms around him.

“We'll find a way somehow,” assured Mark softly. “It's just one weekend and then we'll be home again.”

 

That much was true, Sebastian consoled himself. Mark wasn't going to come traipsing around the world with him for the fly-aways, he had his own season to get started with. They just had to get through this weekend unscathed and then perhaps Seb could get a feel for how things might go over the next few weekends before they returned to Europe when hopefully Mark could come to more races. Maybe Seb could get enough nerve to talk to Christian about it and get his opinion about whether they were out of their minds to even consider coming out.

“Yeah, I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just freaked out a bit,” apologised Sebastian.

“It's alright,” assured Mark, “we'll get through it. Don't go panicking, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb feeling much calmer.

Mark gave him a squeeze and then let go.

“Come on, let's go to sleep, hmm?”

 

Sebastian sat up and nodded. As they rearranged themselves to settle down again. Mark pulled Seb down to lie his head on his chest. Seb tried to get comfortable, but it wasn't quite right. He needed to feel Mark properly against his skin. He lifted up a little and pushed Mark's t-shirt up so his chest was bared and he lay back down, but before he could settle he felt Mark laughing.

“Hang on.”

Mark sat them back up and pulled his t-shirt off over his head before they lay back down.

“Better?” he checked.

“Mmm.”

Sebastian sighed against him and moved his arm to rest his hand on the other side of Mark's chest as if he was stopping him from getting away.

Mark held Seb against him with one arm and slid his other hand around his waist, sneaking it underneath his t-shirt so that he in turn could feel Sebastian. He stroked his skin gently and kissed the top of his head, murmuring, “No more freaking out, okay.”

“'kay,” complied Sebastian, sure that there was no way he could feel any kind of fear when they were together like this. He slowed as he listened to Mark's heartbeat, thinking it was the most reassuring thing in the world.

He wouldn't give up being with Mark like this for anything. He fell asleep thinking that if he had to tunnel through the walls in their hotel in Melbourne he'd do it just to get this.

 

 

 

The next morning they sat around eating breakfast in the kitchen, still in their pyjamas. Mark had to admit to himself that it was nice to have been able to wander down casually like that without thinking twice about it (even if he had had to put his t-shirt back on to go down), Seb had been right. It was good to make the most of their time relaxing and not having to worry about appearances.

Mark got up to get them both a refill of coffee and as he sat back down beside him, Sebastian passed him some toast.

“We going for a run in a bit?” checked Mark.

“Mm-hmm,” agreed Sebastian between sips of his drink.

“That alright Mum?” asked Mark, as she fussed around the kitchen behind them.

“Oh yes no problem. You going to give your dad a hand setting up the barbecue after that?”

“Sure.”

He grinned over at Seb. “I'm dab hand with the barbecue.”

Sebastian laughed. “You couldn't be more Aussie if you tried.”

“Oh I don't know. I could go fetch my cork hat to do it in,” joked Mark.

Seb stared at him, “you don't...”

Mark shook his head and Seb rolled his eyes to see the teasing in his eyes.

 

Leanne looked over at the pair of them and smiled to herself.

“Funny how men suddenly can't volunteer fast enough to do the cooking when it's outdoors,” she noted.

Mark was about to come up with a repost when Seb spoke up.

“Mark's a good cook.”

“Is he?” Leanne looked a little surprised.

“Oh yeah, much better than me. I just burn everything,” deprecated Sebastian.

Mark turned in to him. “No you don't. Not so much these days anyway. Besides burning stuff is practically the whole point of barbecues.”

He shoved Seb teasingly with his shoulder and Sebastian laughed.

 

“Good, you can both give me a hand then,” suggested Alan. “But first we need to give it a good clean.”

Mark coughed. “So that run then...”

Sebastian took his cue to dodge the chore and finished off his breakfast quickly.

Mark's mother refused all offers of help to clear up, so the pair of them disappeared off upstairs to change for their run.

 

 

Waiting in the hallway for Sebastian to join him, Mark fiddled with the laces on his running shoes when his sister appeared and squeezed in to sit by him at the foot of the stairs.

Leanne smiled at him.

“What?” asked Mark, immediately reading her.

Leanne shrugged. “Nothing. Just you two.”

“Us two what?”

She laughed. “You don't even see it do you?”

Mark looked blankly at her.

“You're like an old married couple already,” she teased.

Mark pulled a face. “No we're not.”

“Oh really?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head wondering precisely what his sister was getting at.

“He put Vegemite on your toast for you.”

Leanne raised her eyebrows at her brother.

 

Mark stopped and thought. He couldn't recall if that was true or not. He supposed Seb must have done while he was getting them drinks. It hadn't occurred to him to think about it.

He shrugged at his sister.

“That's not so weird is it?”

“No,” she allowed. “It's not weird. It's completely normal.”

 _When you've been settled with someone for a long time,_ she thought.

Leanne smiled at him. “Are you two living together?”

Mark hesitated. “Umm, no. Well, not exactly.”

“Meaning?”

Mark shrugged. “He stays at mine. I stay at his. Mostly mine admittedly.”

She nodded. “Have you actually been apart since you got together?”

“Well, Seb had to go away for testing and I did for work...”

“But aside from that?”

Mark shook his head.

 

Leanne fitted an arm around her brother and gave him a quick squeeze.

“That's great. But you're going to have to watch yourselves around other people if you don't want them to know.”

Mark looked at her, pausing before speaking to let out a puff of breath.

“You act like you've been together a lot longer than a couple of months,” emphasised his sister.

Mark nodded. “I guess we have. In a way.”

Leanne nodded back.

Mark glanced back up the stairs to check that Sebastian wasn't there.

“We know that's it's going to be difficult. Just, don't go mentioning anything like that to Seb, alright?”

“Okay,” agreed his sister.

“He's already worrying about it,” confided Mark.

Leanne leant in a little to her brother. “You're very sweet worrying about him.”

“Yeah well, I'd rather not think about that for now either.”

“Fair enough.”

“I just want us to enjoy our time here before we have to really get caught up with all that.”

“Course.”

Leanne gave her brother another quick squeeze, wishing he didn't have to worry about such things. Behind them Sebastian appeared.

“Am I going to have to jump over you?” he joked.

Leanne and Mark laughed and broke themselves apart, getting up to allow Seb down and he and Mark set off for their run.

 

 

 

Arriving back after a good hard run, Sebastian collapsed down onto their bed melodramatically. Mark grinned and sat down by him, mischievously tickling his side.

“Argh, Mark. Can't you see I'm dying here?” complained Sebastian as he sat up to deflect him.

“Getting old,” teased Mark.

He pulled Seb in and gave him a quick kiss to cancel out his misdemeanour.

“I'm all sweaty,” objected Sebastian.

Mark laughed. “Doesn't bother me.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “I'm going for a shower.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a more serious look.

“Feel better for getting some air in your lungs?” he checked.

Sebastian paused in gathering up his things to take into the bathroom and sat back down on the bed.

“Yeah. Clears the head I guess. Sorry about last night.”

Mark shook his head. “We're good. Let's not worry about anything while we're here.”

Sebastian nodded in agreement and Mark pulled him back in again to give him another reassuring hug.

“Urgh and you're all sweaty too. I'm going for that shower,” laughed Sebastian pushing him away and getting back up.

 

As Seb reached the door Mark called out.

“You never know, maybe we can save ourselves worrying about everything when I give you food poisoning this afternoon and you have to miss the race?”

Sebastian turned in the doorway and grinned at him.

“You say the nicest things.”

Mark crashed himself back to lie on the bed.

“I'm very thoughtful,” he joked.

Seb went back into the room and leaned over him to give him yet another kiss as Mark laughed.

“Mmm. Now go away and shower, you're all horrible and sweaty.”

“You love it,” grinned back Sebastian as he pulled away.

“Just a bit,” smiled Mark, letting himself stretch out as Sebastian finally left the room.

Nothing better than a bit of exercise to get oxygen into the brain and improve your mood, thought Mark. Seb giving off all those pheromones really was incredibly distracting and he'd quite like to indulge in a rather different form of exercise right now, but that simply wasn't happening with his family all around. He shook his head. A lot of restraint was going to be required this whole damn trip unfortunately.

 

 

 

 

Seb stood around feeling fairly useless as Mark and his father got the barbecue going.

“Anything I can do to help?” he asked.

“Oh umm, not really. We just need to settle this down a bit.”

Mark pushed the coals into a heap and then spread them out again.

He smiled at Seb. “I've got a barbecue in the garage somewhere. Maybe we can dig it out if we actually get a decent summer this year?”

“Sure, sounds good,” agreed Sebastian, before taking a step back as the fire flared up unexpectedly leading Alan to go to retrieve the lid to put over it before going back to the house to fetch the food to cook on it.

“Tell you what, why don't you go entertain Leanne for a bit,” suggested Mark.

Seb laughed. “Entertain?”

“Oh well you know what I mean. She looks bored.”

 

Mark looked over at his sister sat nearer to the house. Their mother had rejected Leanne's offer to help to sort out salad and drinks leaving her nothing to do.

“You like her don't you?” checked Mark.

“Sure. She's like a female version of you,” offered Sebastian.

Mark burst out laughing. “Blimey, I don't know who should be more offended by that, me or her?”

Seb shrugged and smiled back. “Oh definitely her.”

Mark nodded and looked back over at his sister. “So?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Alan reappeared with a tray of meat that he deposited on the little table they'd set up by the barbecue.

“Steak alright for you Seb?” he asked.

“Great thanks,” replied Sebastian. “Right, guess I'll...”

Seb gestured over to Leanne and crossed the lawn to join her.

 

Mark's father looked over Sebastian and then back at his son. He smiled and raised his eyebrows.

“You know I'd never have imagined this.”

“Hmm?”

“You and Seb.”

“Oh. Well you know.” Mark shrugged.

Alan sipped his beer. “Your mother on the other hand is now convinced it was obvious all along,” he revealed.

Mark coughed a laugh. “Is she? How's that?”

“Ah well she seems to think you two fighting all the time when you were team-mates meant something.”

Mark shook his head and gave an ironic smile. “She might be right. I guess we never were indifferent to one another.”

“Nothing worse than indifference,” asserted his father. “Certainly not indifferent now.”

Mark laughed some more. “No, certainly not that,” he agreed.

He found himself staring over at Sebastian.

Alan followed his son's gaze and smiled.

“Well like I say, I'd never have thought it, but you seem well suited.”

Mark returned his attention to his father. “Hmm?”

“You and Seb. You seem happy.”

Mark nodded. “Yeah, we are.”

 

He prodded the cooking meat.

“We'd be a sight happier if we didn't have to worry about what the rest of the world might think about us being together.”

His father nodded sadly. “Mmm, yes I see. Well,” he sighed. “My advice would be to let Seb concentrate on his racing this weekend and not worry about anything else.”

Mark gave his father a look that suggested that was easier said than done.

“Might work for this weekend,” acknowledged Mark, “but beyond that...”

He left off and his father could only give him another stoical look knowing that his son needed a long-term solution to their problem and he had none to offer.

 

Mark looked back at Seb and then over to his father again.

“Dad at some point this is going to come out and I've a feeling all hell will break loose,” admitted Mark.

Alan shook his head and put his arm around his son to give him a quick half hug.

“All I can suggest is you make it on your terms Mark. Whatever you do, don't let the bastards put you down.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at his father's blunt turn of phrase.

“Roll with the punches right Dad?”

“Too bloody right,” insisted his father trying to cheer Mark up. He looked over at Sebastian again.

“Is it worth it?”

“Hmm?”

“You and Seb, it's worth it, all the stress?”

Mark answered without hesitation. “Yeah it is.”

“Good. Then you'll be alright. Whatever happens.”

Alan gave his son a firm look. “Now then, turn those steaks before they burn and I get a lecture from your mother.”

Mark did as he was told and returned to concentrate on the task in hand.

 

 

Sebastian had taken up a seat in one of the garden chairs by Mark's sister.

“I've been sent over to entertain you,” he explained.

“Oh dear. That does sound alarming,” joked Leanne.

Sebastian laughed. “Yes I thought so too.”

“I think I was getting in the way over there,” he added.

“Ah well I wouldn't worry about that, there's only so many people it can take to char a piece of meat.”

Seb nodded.

Leanne regarded Sebastian for a moment.

“I'm glad you two finally worked it out,” remarked Leanne.

“Hmm?”

“You and Mark.”

Leanne shook her head. “He was getting himself in a right tangle over you.”

“Oh, umm, yeah, well, turns out we were both being pretty dense there.”

Leanne smiled. “Always easy with hindsight. Anyway doesn't matter now. It's nice to see Mark looking so happy.”

 

Sebastian didn't know what to say to that so he just nodded and sipped his drink.

“You know we've met before?” highlighted Leanne.

Seb furrowed his brow a little trying to remember exactly.

“At a race. I'm sorry I can't really place which one.”

“Oh it was few years back. Don't worry, you were perfectly polite,” assured Leanne.

Seb tipped his head to one side in acknowledgement. “I'm relieved to hear it.”

“Yes I told Mark at the time I couldn't think what he had against you.”

Sebastian laughed. “Umm, thanks, I think.”

 

It was odd to be reminded of how different their relationship had been once upon a time.

“Nice to know you were on my side,” Seb noted with a wry smile.

Leanne laughed. “Absolutely. Obviously we won't be telling Mark that.”

“Obviously not.”

Seb raised his glass, joining in her little joke.

“So then,” tried Sebastian. “Have you got any good embarrassing stories about Mark from when you were younger?”

“Ohh, hmm, not really. Mark always seemed to spend all his time playing one sport or another.”

Seb looked back over at Mark and smiled. “Guess that's no surprise.”

“No. And of course bikes when he got a bit older and karts. Scared the life out of mum all that,” Leanne recalled.

“Yeah we do put them through it,” acknowledged Sebastian, thinking how his own mother used to worry about him and how it was a little ironic that now he was a nervous wreck when he watched Mark race.

“Maybe you can find me some photos?” suggested Sebastian.

Leanne laughed. “I think Mark would kill me. Actually I'm amazed Mum hasn't pulled out the baby photos to show you.”

Sebastian grinned at the idea. He couldn't imagine what Mark must have looked like as a baby. It was hard enough thinking what he would have been like as a child when Mark had always been such a grown-up in his eyes.

 

Mark walked over to them.

“You two look in cahoots. What are you plotting?”

Leanne smiled wickedly. “Oh Seb was wondering where we kept the baby photos.”

Mark pulled a horrified face. “Bloody hell. I'm pretty sure that's against my human rights.”

He shook his head. “I should have known it was a mistake putting you two together. Right, come on Seb, give me a hand bringing things out for Mum.”

Sebastian got up, pleased to be given something to do.

Mark looked back at his sister narrowing his eyes at her. “And you, stop stirring.”

Leanne just laughed in reply and continued to smile as she watched them walk away thinking how quickly Sebastian had leapt up to be by her brother's side.

 

 

 

They spent a relaxed afternoon in the garden catching the last of the sunshine until the sky clouded over and they finally went indoors.

Before Leanne had to leave she caught a moment alone with her brother.

“Shame you can't stay longer,” lamented Mark.

“I know. Sorry. Some other time maybe? Perhaps I can actually bring the rest of my lot next time,” proposed Leanne.

“Umm, yeah, sure,” allowed Mark.

“When you work out what you're doing I guess.”

“Hmm.” Mark wasn't keen on being reminded about that.

“I'm sure the kids would like to meet their new uncle,” smiled Leanne.

Mark coughed. “Blimey, you might be getting ahead of yourself a little bit there.”

“Am I?” Leanne raised an eyebrow and considered her brother. “I'm not so sure about that. Isn't Seb family now?”

“Well...”

Mark stopped to think. Of course Seb was family.

“I suppose he is.”

“You like him don't you?” checked Mark.

Leanne gave him a warm smile. “Of course I do. He's very sweet.”

Mark raised an eyebrow. “Sweet?”

“Mmm. He completely adores you. You do know that, right?”

It hadn't taken her five minutes observing the pair of them to see how obvious that was.

Mark opened his mouth to speak, but he wasn't sure how to answer. He did in fact know that.

“Well I'm pretty keen on him myself,” he admitted.

 

His sister squeezed his arm thinking how her brother was far softer than he ever let on.

“Good. Well I'm glad. Take care of yourselves. Don't go getting in a tizzy over what you're going to do, okay.”

Mark took a deep breath and nodded. His sister was always so sensible. He gave her a big hug, wishing as he always did that he could see her more often.

“Good. You'll be alright. And if you get in a stress, give me a call won't you?”

“I will. I promise.”

“And if you're not in a stress, call me anyway and you can tell me all about how keen you are on Seb.”

Mark laughed and shook his head at her.

Leanne shrugged. “Hey I've been with Dean for twenty years, I could use a little vicarious excitement in my life.”

Mark let her go thinking however much he loved his sister she was never going to get the full unedited version of how things were with him and Seb. That was just for them.

 

 

 

 

The night before Mark and Seb had to leave for Melbourne they sat around in the lounge watching TV with Mark's parents. Sebastian pressed into Mark's side, resting his head on his shoulder feeling relieved that Mark's parents were so relaxed about them being together that they didn't seem to bat an eyelid at their closeness. It was nice. These few days they'd had with Mark's family really had been good, not just to get to know them a little better, but it had given them a chance to adapt to being in Australia, adapt to the time-difference and the climate. Mainly it had been good just to have some time in peace.

 

Diane looked over at Mark and Sebastian and thought how great it was that her son had finally found someone who made him so happy, even if he had technically found him some little while after he'd been right under his nose for quite a long time.

 

As it got later she elbowed her husband and indicated with a look over at Sebastian.

“Mark,” Diane whispered.

Mark turned his attention from the television to his mother.

“Hmm?”

Diane inclined her head towards Sebastian and Mark turned his head to see that Seb was asleep lying up against him. The feeling was so familiar he hadn't noticed.

“Seb.” Mark pushed him gently up. “Seb, wake up.”

Seb roused himself and rubbed his face, slightly embarrassed to have dropped off in front of Mark's parents.

“Snoring mate, come on let's go up,” teased Mark.

 

 

 

Mark's mother was in the kitchen having a last tidy when he walked in.

“Everything alright?” she checked.

“Yeah, I'm just getting some water,” explained Mark.

Diane nodded and then gave in to an inexplicable urge to hug her son.

“You take good care of him don't you?” she intuited.

Mark just gave a little shrug in response and his mother nodded. She couldn't help thinking that there was something inherently vulnerable about Sebastian that made her want to keep him there and look after him for a bit. She'd felt the same last year.

“Seb looks so much better than he did last time he was here,” Diane stated. “I was really quite worried about him. He looked so worn out and thin.”

She shook her head. “But then you boys always look too thin to me.”

“Ah mum you know how it is,” excused Mark. His mother was never happy at how strict racing drivers' diets had to be.

 

Mark looked at his mother and thought if she had any idea what Sebastian had been through she'd probably be almost as outraged as Seb's own mother would be.

“He was going through a bad time,” Mark conceded.

“Not just the racing?” she guessed.

Mark almost wished he could tell his mother, but he knew that he never could.

Diane nodded at his silence, suspecting she wasn't going to learn any more than that on the subject.

“It's complicated,” admitted Mark before letting out a dry laugh. “It seems it always has to be with us.”

“Ah well, life is complicated dear,” his mother asserted.

Mark gave a little tip of the head acknowledging just how true he knew that to be.

 

Diane gave a sigh, thinking sadly how her son's life was more complicated than most people's and how much she wished that wasn't so.

“Anything really worth having in life doesn't come easy,” declared Diane, “and if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for. Remember that when it gets tough, sweetheart. That and we're always on your side. We're always here if you need us.”

Mark gave his mother a hug and a kiss on the cheek to thank her before going back up to Seb. Things were about to get very real, that much was unavoidable, but what they had was worth it. At least now they knew they had those they cared about backing them up.

 

 

 

 

Arriving in Melbourne they checked into the hotel separately. The place was already buzzing with people and Mark was stopped and greeted by several RedBull team members who were pleased to see him. No one seemed in the least surprised that he was there, so that was something. He saw Sebastian disappear off up to his room and hung around talking to former colleagues in the lobby before going on up to his own room.

 

Not more than five minutes had passed before Mark's phone rang with Sebastian wanting to work out a plan.

 

“I'd forgotten, there's a big team meal tonight for the start of the year,” explained Seb.

“Ah, right, okay. So you're saying that the coast will be clear?”

“Well yeah. I mean if you're okay coming to my room.”

Mark could sense the shrug at the other end of the line.

“That works. Alright, we'll go with that,” agreed Mark.

“What will you do?”

“Hmm?”

“For food?”

“Oh, well I suppose I can go out and get something nearby and when I come back I'll just shift my stuff.”

 

Sebastian nodded even though he knew Mark couldn't see it. He was already hating all this subterfuge, but they had no choice.

“Enjoy your meal,” offered Mark.

Sebastian gave a dry laugh. “Be better if you were there.”

“Ah well,” sighed Mark. “I'll be there when you get back. That'll have to do. I guess you'd better swing by here to give me your key on your way out?”

“Yeah, will do.”

“Great. Okay, see you later. Everything will be fine, okay Seb?”

“Yeah okay. I'll see you later,” finished Sebastian.

“You will. Okay. Later then.”

Mark hung up. He pulled out a few unnecessary items from his suitcase and left them about the place. He ruffled up the bed and sat back down thinking that the whole thing was slightly mad, but it was what it was.

Let the games begin, thought Mark.

 

 

 

Thankfully their little plan seemed to have worked more easily than either Mark or Seb could have predicted. No one was around to see Mark let himself into Sebastian's room and no prying team members came calling around to check on Seb, who made sure that he was on time downstairs to meet his car to take him to the track early the next morning so that nobody had to chase him and perhaps get something of a surprise as to who was with him in his hotel room.

  
Thursday was filled with media commitments for Sebastian as well as catching up with the team and getting ready to drive the car. Mark was content enough calling in on old friends about the place and preparing for his own media work over the weekend. Nobody seemed surprised to see him having coffee with Seb in the RedBull Energy Station when they'd seen the sight often enough last year. Christian stopped by their table for a quick chat and made no comment other than being pleased to see him.

 

As predicted, their time at the track was so full it left little time for them to worry about other matters. Sebastian had to get to the track early each day and stayed late each night, making the choice of Mark and Seb travelling back and forth from the hotel independently less difficult than it might have otherwise been. With his work for television Mark didn't even have the option to spend any time watching from the garage until the Saturday.

 

 

At the end of qualifying Mark stood carefully placed in the centre of the garage, trying not to draw attention to himself, trying not to look too pleased when Sebastian succeeded in achieving third place on the grid.

As Seb returned to the garage he smiled over at Mark before recalling himself and concentrating on giving a quick review to his engineer before heading off with Britta to talk to the press. Mark watched him from a distance and was pleased to see Seb looking happy. He wished he could go over and give him a hug to congratulate him, but that would have to wait, so instead he merely gave him a neutral nod of the head when Seb looked over and went across to Daniel giving him a pat on the back and a few words to praise his creditable fourth position. It made no sense that things had to be upside down like this but that was how it was.

 

Back in Sebastian's room in the motorhome a little later, Mark was finally able to give Seb the hug he'd been wanting to give him earlier.

“You did good mate.”

“Yeah? Well you know. Merc still looks strong, so...”

Mark shrugged. “Best of the rest then. Points are handed out tomorrow, so we'll see.”

Sebastian smiled, knowing how much he needed Mark backing him up. He sat down on the little bed and Mark joined him there.

“Got any more stuff to sort out now?” asked Mark.

Seb shook his head. “No we're good. All done for now.”

“Head back then? Get some food and an early night for tomorrow?”

Seb nodded.

“Think it would be wildly unreasonable for me to get a lift back with you?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian gave a little laugh. “No I think that'd be okay.”

Enough people had seen them about the place being friendly together without questioning it, surely it would be normal for him to give Mark a lift back when they were staying at the same place?

 

They got up to go when Sebastian paused.

“Mark.”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian hesitated again before asking for what he really wanted.

“Will you watch the race from my side of the garage tomorrow?”

Mark puffed out a breath thinking that this was precisely the sort of thing that could land them in trouble. But then no one had said anything about him being in the garage today. What was a couple of feet one way or another? Was anyone really paying such close attention to them? He was only going to be standing around while Seb was out on the track.

“Course. No problem,” agreed Mark.

He couldn't help feeling gratified at the way Sebastian beamed at him as soon as he'd agreed to it. Such little things to make him so happy. How was he supposed to resist?

 

 

 

Sebastian awoke some time in the middle of the night, lying against Mark's shoulder. He felt safe and warm and it took him a moment to remember where they were and that things weren't so simple. It wasn't so bad as it could have been he reflected. The team were so busy down at the track that they didn't have time for hanging around in hotel corridors waiting to see who might be coming out of his room. As Mark had promised, the fact that he had been around so much last year meant no one was surprised to see him about the place and any shock people might have felt to see the two of them being friendly must have passed because he'd not seen anyone staring at them, at least no more than people normally did when they saw an F1 driver in the paddock.

They'd been very well-behaved all weekend; maintaining their distance and not giving in to their natural instincts to be closer, to give warmer greetings, to show more affection. It was hard and sometimes they came close to forgetting themselves, but so far they'd managed it. Now there was only one more day to go Sebastian couldn't help thinking that they'd got away with it and whilst he'd still rather it didn't have to be that way, there was a little satisfaction to be found in that.

He shifted in closer to Mark and held onto him a bit tighter thinking he should appreciate the chance to make the most of him while he could. He wouldn't have Mark with him for the following races and Seb knew he'd be back to surviving lonely nights in an empty bed far from home. He wasn't looking forward to it.

Sebastian took in a deep breath of Mark as he slept peacefully and knew how lucky he was. Maybe he was taking a risk asking Mark to watch the race from his side of the garage, but he wanted to know that he was there supporting him while he could. Logically Sebastian understood that Mark would be supporting him just as much if he was stood on the other side of the garage, or from the motorhome, or from back in England. Perhaps it was him being a little bit needy and pathetic to feel that it made a difference, but it was what he wanted and the fact that Mark had agreed so readily meant the world to Seb. He was sure that it would help him as he sat on the grid to know that the person he cared most about in the world was willing to do whatever he could for him.

Seb gave a little contented sigh and drifted back asleep.

 

 

 

Mark stood around at the back of the garage feeling a bit like a spare part as everyone rushed around getting things ready for the race. He lurked roughly in the centre for a while before catching Seb's eye and giving him little reassuring smile and moving to stand over on his side as he had promised.

 

Sebastian was busy talking to his engineer and getting ready to climb into the car to make his way out for his reconnaissance lap when Daniel passed by Mark giving him his usual broad grin.

“Not on the Aussie side of the garage for the race today Mark?” teased Daniel.

Mark fought not to let any sign show on his face how much the observation unnerved him.

“Oh, well you know mate, good to see what things look like from the other side,” he deflected.

 

Daniel nodded and smiled as he walked away. Mark stared at him wondering what he'd meant by that. Was it an innocent little joke, or was it a hint that he knew something? He looked back at Sebastian and hid any concern he might feel. Seb smiled over at him and Mark could tell from the brightness in his eyes that he was pleased to see Mark stood on his side. There was no way he could let him down by moving. Things were what they were. No one else had made any comment about where he was standing. Fuck it, he just had to stick it out and hope that Dan hadn't meant anything by it.

 

 

Mark tried to push his concerns to the back of his mind as he watched the race unfold. As he got caught up in the action he mostly forgot about Daniel's remark, but it did remind him to be extra careful watching his reactions to what happened.

When a screwed-up pitstop led to Ricciardo jumping Seb's well held third position, Mark had to hold himself back from letting his frustration spill out. All he could do was mentally curse the rear jack man for fouling up, he couldn't afford to allow any sign appear on his face or in his body-language. It was torture. God only knew how Sebastian had hidden his true emotions at races for so long. Mark knew he was struggling.

 

By the time the race finished Mark felt as exhausted as he normally did after a race. He succeeded in giving Sebastian a significant look and headed out to the back of the garage that was mercifully quiet to wait while Seb stole a moment to come out and join him.

Mark offered Seb a smile and a shrug.

“Fourth's not bad,” he insisted.

Sebastian pulled a face. “Should've been third. Dan took my place.”

“Yeah I know.”

Mark shrugged again. “Nothing you could do mate. Could've been worse. You lost eleven seconds in the pits. If you'd not built up a gap you'd have been lost in the pack.”

Seb nodded resignedly.

 

The British national anthem floated across from the podium, reminding them that the race weekend was still in progress and they had obligations to fulfil.

“I've got to go do some more TV stuff,” explained Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“I'll see you back in my room?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks for being here today.”

Seb reached out to give Mark's hand a little grateful squeeze, but Mark pulled his hand away, looking around them.

Sebastian pulled a frustrated face.

“There's no one here,” he insisted.

Mark shook his head.

“Seb we've got to be more careful.”

“ _Mark._ ”

 

Mark frowned. He didn't want to say anything about what Daniel had said earlier, but Sebastian didn't seem to be realising how exposed they were.

“Dan said something before.”

“What?”

Seb looked alarmed.

“Maybe it's nothing,” reassured Mark. “Maybe I'm just being paranoid.”

“What did he say?”

Mark huffed out a breath. “He just made a little joke about me watching from your side of the garage today.”

Sebastian swallowed. “Right.”

“Has he said anything to you?” wondered Mark.

Seb squashed his face from side to side. “I thought I was the one being paranoid.”

Mark furrowed his brow. “What happened?”

 

“He, well, we were in the debrief after quali yesterday and I said something, I don't even know what really and he made a joke saying I'd gone native after only a couple of days.”

Mark frowned even more. “Gone native?”

“Aussie,” specified Sebastian.

He shrugged. “The only thing I can remember saying was 'righto'. Is that Aussie?”

Mark gave a small smile. “Yeah it kind of is.” He let out a huff. “It could have been worse. You could have said 'mate'.”

“It was just a joke.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think he knows something?”

Mark shrugged helplessly. “I really don't know. Maybe we're both being paranoid.”

“Maybe,” echoed Sebastian looking unsettled.

Mark had to stop himself giving Seb a reassuring hug.

“We probably are. It's probably nothing. Look I've got to go. I'll see you later.”

 

Seb nodded and Mark went to leave. As Sebastian headed back into the main part of the garage he looked back at Mark walking away. The one thing that would have made him feel instantly better would have been a hug or a touch from Mark. At least a squeeze of his hand. It suddenly hurt more than it had all weekend that they were denied that. Just the tiniest of little bit of innocent contact and they couldn't even have that for fear someone might see them. It wasn't fair.

Sebastian resented how unjust that was. He suddenly felt annoyed at Daniel for raising their level of concern. He walked back into the garage trying to force himself to shake it off. Daniel was always making jokes and being silly, maybe it really did mean nothing and this was more about them worrying and feeling guilty.

 

 

 

Seb sat about in his room after taking a shower and re-dressing in his normal clothes waiting for Mark to come back from his media duties. He heard a noise in the corridor and opened his door, but it wasn't Mark, it was Daniel.

He politely said hello and was about to shut the door again when he did something he knew he might regret.

 

“Daniel do you have a moment?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah I guess.”

Sebastian opened his door wider indicating that he wanted his team-mate to enter and Daniel took the hint and came in.

Seb shut the door firmly behind him and was wondering whether he was making a mistake just because he knew he'd be worrying about Dan's joke for days after the race, when Daniel spoke again.

“No Mark?”

Sebastian stared at him. Damn. They weren't being paranoid. Daniel knew something.

 

Seb sat down on the bed, trying to take the upper hand by behaving as if he had nothing to worry about and Daniel stood about awkwardly for a moment before sitting on the chair to the side.

“He's off doing some TV. Look, do you have a problem with us being friends now?” questioned Seb.

Daniel opened his mouth and then closed it again, clearly considering what he ought to say. The standard grin had disappeared from his face.

“Hey no problem mate. If that's how you want it.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” pressed Sebastian, trying to make sure he kept all emotion out of his voice.

Daniel shrugged. “Nothing.”

Seb frowned. “So what was that little dig at Mark earlier about?”

 

Daniel looked over at Sebastian thinking how telling it was that Mark had immediately told Seb about that. He was about to dismiss his comment as a harmless joke when he changed his mind and decided to be honest.

“Look mate, I might go around gurning like I'm the village idiot most of the time, but I'm not completely stupid.”

Sebastian swallowed. He was trying to compose a response, but most of his brain was jammed thinking; 'Oh fuck. He knows, he _knows_.'

 

He looked over and read the consternation on Seb's face and suddenly Dan felt bad for him.

“It's really none of my business, alright. I was just being a twat earlier, sorry.”

Seb managed to pull himself together enough to ask; “What's none of your business?”

“You and Mark.”

“There's nothing...” started Sebastian, trying to find a way to deny Dan's inference.

Daniel raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh come on. I'm not spying on you two, but really, I'd have to be blind not to have noticed how he's around all the time.”

Sebastian went to open his mouth, but Daniel continued.

“And he was last year too.”

“Not that often,” protested Sebastian weakly, already knowing he was done.

“More often than someone who doesn't actually need to be here. And not just around, but up here, with you.”

Seb thought surely there couldn't have been that many times Daniel had actually seen Mark come to his room, when he explained.

Daniel rapped the wall with his knuckles.

“Pretty thin walls mate.”

“You wouldn't have heard anything,” stated Sebastian, knowing that to be true, there was nothing incriminating Daniel could have heard and even this weekend nothing beyond the most innocent of hugs had been exchanged in this room.

“Hey I wasn't listening at the door mate. I just knew you had company, that's all.”

 

Seb knew there was no point denying that it had been Mark in his room. He wasn't going to lie.

“Fine. So he's been in here.”

“And in the garage.”

“We weren't doing anything in the garage,” insisted Sebastian, instantly realising that he'd let slip too much.

Daniel gave him a smile. “I noticed.”

Sebastian frowned. “Noticed what?”

That didn't make any sense. They hadn't done anything in the garage to give themselves away. They'd been so careful not to.

“You two. Not doing anything.”

Seb frowned even deeper, at a loss as to what Dan meant by that.

Daniel shook his head. “Yeah you weren't doing anything. You barely speak, you don't go anywhere near each other.”

He saw Sebastian lack of comprehension and spelt it out.

“In the motorhome you're quite happy to hang out together and act like you're friends and then in the garage in front of everyone you daren't even acknowledge each other? That's pretty weird mate.”

Daniel looked at Sebastian. “You're _too_ careful around each other. It's not normal.”

 

Seb felt sick at the realisation that they'd made a mistake.

“Fuck.”

“Sorry mate.”

Daniel genuinely felt bad for his team-mate. Sebastian had gone pale.

“We can't fucking win,” sighed Seb.

“Sorry. I'm just telling you what I've seen,” apologised Daniel.

Sebastian nodded.

“What are you going to do about it?” Seb asked, feeling defeated.

“Do about it?”

It was Daniel's turn to frown.

“I'm not doing anything. You asked me that's all. It's none of my business, okay. I'm sorry I said something to Mark before. Like I say I was being a twat. It was just a joke.”

“It's not a joke to us,” let out Sebastian.

Daniel nodded slowly as he appreciated the truth of that. “No, I suppose not. Sorry.”

 

He looked over at Seb. “You two are serious then?”

Sebastian nodded thinking there was no point denying it now.

“Wow. Well fuck me,” exclaimed Daniel, the smile returning to his face as he thought about how extraordinary this little situation was.

Sebastian finally cracked and joked back, “I don't just go for _any_ Aussie, I'm afraid.”

Daniel started laughing and Seb nearly joined him in relief at his team-mate's attitude. He sat back on the bed and let out a long puff of air.

“Do you think other people have noticed?”

Daniel shrugged. “Dunno mate, probably not. They won't know Mark's been hanging about up here with you.”

Sebastian nodded. “You've not mentioned it to anyone?”

Daniel paused. “I may have mentioned that Mark was about a lot last year to Jev.”

“But nothing more?”

“No.”

“And no one's said anything to you about it?” questioned Seb.

Daniel shook his head. “Guess they've got their own stuff to worry about,” he suggested.

“Yeah, probably.”

 

Sebastian looked at his team-mate's open friendly face and wondered if he could trust him.

“Are you going to say anything then?”

Daniel shook his head and spoke seriously. “No mate. I meant it. Whatever you want to do is your business. I won't say anything.”

He gave a wry smile. “Not even any more stupid jokes, alright?”

Seb nodded slowly. “Thank you. I'm not saying we're doing anything wrong, but it's complicated.”

He almost laughed at the most over-used word in their relationship. It wasn't about to change any time soon it seemed.

“What are you going to do?” wondered Dan.

Sebastian shrugged and Daniel nodded, seeing their dilemma.

“Is he coming to more races?” Dan asked.

“Not the next lot, maybe when we get back to Europe.”

“Right.”

 

Seb looked at him and decided he was already past the point of trusting Daniel.

“We are thinking about maybe, _maybe,_ telling people.”

Daniel looked impressed. “Really? Wow.”

“Do you think we're mad?”

Daniel puffed out a breath. “Mad? No. Brave maybe.”

Sebastian gave him a little smile, thinking he was lucky that Daniel was a decent person.

“We're not sure.”

Daniel shrugged. “I guess you've got a bit of time before Europe to think about it.”

“Yeah.”

“Well let me know if you decide anything,” Daniel requested.

Sebastian nodded and let out a long breath feeling relieved.

 

Daniel got up and moved towards the door.

“You don't need to worry about me putting my foot in it, alright?”

Seb got up off the bed and stood opposite him looking him carefully in the eye before nodding again.

“Thank you,” Seb said with feeling.

He gave an ironic little smile. “A less honourable person could have used it to blackmail me into giving them an advantage on the track.”

Daniel laughed. “Don't need to mate. I finished ahead of you today.”

Seb shook his head. “The jack got stuck.”

“Yeah if you say so,” grinned Dan.

He shook his head and said more seriously. “I'd never do that you know?”

Sebastian looked down and saw that his team-mate had stuck his hand out. He shook it, feeling as though they were making a pact.

“Thank you.”

“Good luck,” smiled Dan. “And let me know if you decide what you're doing. Till then I'll keep my over-sized gob shut.”

Sebastian managed a smile in return. “I mean it. Thank you.”

“Yeah well,” shrugged Daniel. “Maybe in another life I'll get to come back as Brad Pitt's better looking cousin or something?”

“Hmm?”

“Good karma mate.”

“Oh right, yeah.”

 

Daniel gave Sebastian another small nod of acknowledgement and left for his own room. Seb walked back over to his bed and crashed out on it, pulling the pillow over his face and releasing a long breathed out.

“Fuuuuuuuck!”

 

 

He left the pillow over his face, almost as if he was trying to hide from the world. When a hand reached down to pluck it away, Seb jumped, having not heard anyone enter the room.

“Whoa mate, you alright?”

Sebastian blinked at him, making sure it was Mark and glancing over to the door to be certain that it was closed before sitting up and grabbing him.

Mark shook off his surprise and hugged Seb back before letting go to sit beside him.

He frowned. “What is it?”

Sebastian looked over at the door again.

“He knows.”

“Huh?”

“Daniel. We weren't being paranoid. He knows.”

Mark paused. “What happened?”

 

Sebastian filled him in.

“Bloody hell,” sighed Mark.

“Yeah.”

Mark puffed out a breath. “Not quite as smart as we thought we were.”

“No,” replied Seb heavily.

“Do you think anyone else has guessed?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian opened out his hands. “Dunno.”

“I suppose no one else is quite in his position,” offered Mark, thinking Dan was the person literally closest to Seb over a race weekend.

“Mmm, yeah guess not.”

“Do you think we can rely him to keep his mouth shut?”

Seb frowned, considering carefully. “I think maybe we can.”

Mark nodded, trusting Sebastian's judgement and thinking how Daniel had never done anything to suggest he wasn't a good guy.

“He actually didn't seem to care that much you know?” pointed out Sebastian. “If everyone was that good we wouldn't need to worry about things.”

“Yeah. True,” acknowledged Mark.

Seb shrugged. “We don't really have any choice but to trust him.”

Mark gave a dry laugh.

“I suppose so. I hope you're right about him.”

 

Seb put his arms around Mark and pulled him in and felt the expected reassurance as Mark returned the gesture and held him tight.

“Otherwise we're fucked,” breathed Mark.

Sebastian nodded, burying his head into Mark's shoulder.

They had no choice but to trust Daniel and hope no one else had worked out what he had. If not, Mark was right: Things could be totally out of their hands and then they really were fucked.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh...


	36. Connected

 

 

 

He used to think that nothing could ever come close to the feeling of elation and exhilaration of the perfect pole winning lap in the dying seconds of qualifying, or the impossible overtake against a rival to take the lead in a race, but Sebastian knew now that there was more, so much more than that was possible in life. When he was with Mark there were moments so elevated they surpassed everything that had ever gone before. They felt so much more significant because they were shared. He knew that Mark felt the same way, he didn't have to ask, he didn't have to hear it, to know that Mark loved him. They were past that now, he was sure of it. They barely existed as two separate people anymore, they were part of the same thing, two halves of one whole.

Never more so than when they truly physically joined like this, Mark inside him, every movement sending shivers of sensation throughout his whole body, pushing him further and further towards the edge where he could no longer think anything, no longer control the way his body was reacting, only instinct keeping him going until they both reached tipping point and fell, knowing the other was with them. It was the most incredible feeling in the world, nothing came close to this.

 

Sometimes they could take it slowly and truly appreciate what it all meant, what they meant to each other, in a stretched out wonderful kind of torture that they never wanted to end. But tonight was their first night back from their long journey home from Australia and nothing could wait. They'd been holding themselves back, holding themselves in, holding themselves apart for what seemed like an eternity. As soon as they had reached the bed they had fallen on each other, desperate for relief, not just from the lack of sex on their trip, but seeking release from all their worries that had been weighing on them and dragging them down.

There was no room for worries or fears when they were together like this, no room for any thought at all other thinking how good this felt, how much they needed it, needed each other. It was a freedom they had been denied for far too long.

Mark held Sebastian straddling his lap, no thought in his mind at all other than how glorious this was, how beautiful Seb was and how he was his, all his. They moved together, Mark's hands firmly gripping Seb's hips to help him move, Sebastian's arms locked around his neck holding him up, holding his face close to Mark's so that they could kiss passionately, messily pulling away to grab lungfuls of oxygen to keep over-worked hearts pumping.

As they came down they rested their heads together, noses clumsily pressed together, mouths unable to kiss now they could only gasp for enough air to allow their brains to start functioning again.

 

Mark moved to kiss softly at Sebastian's collar-bone, knowing he wouldn't want to move until they really couldn't stay in this position any longer. Seb never wanted the moment to end, he wanted to hold on to the feeling of connection made real. It didn't matter how many times they did this, or in what way, it always meant much more than just sex. It meant everything.

 

Seb dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder, his chest still heaving, loving the feeling of Mark's chest doing they same as it pressed into his. He felt Mark stop what he was doing and sighed as he knew they had to part.

Mark put his hands on Sebastian's waist and helped lift him off so that the two of them could drop down on the bed to properly get their breath back and regroup. He turned and lazily stroked a hand along Seb's side as Sebastian stared at him, still not quite capable of coherent speech.

He gave Seb a soft smile. “Come on, let's get a quick shower and clean up, then we can get some sleep.”

Sebastian nodded and allowed himself to be pulled from the bed to do just that.

 

As they climbed back onto the bed and pulled the duvet over them to wrap themselves back up around one another, Sebastian nuzzled into the side of Mark's neck.

“I'm not really tired,” Seb insisted.

Mark gave a short laugh and moved so he could face him.

“That's because it's still morning back in Melbourne.”

“Hmm, yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

“Let's just stay like this and see if we can't fool our bodies into taking a nice nap.”

“Mmm, 'kay,” accepted Seb, not needing much persuasion to take all the time he could to be with Mark like this.

 

It took less effort than they thought to get some sleep when they were so warm and comfortable and home and together like this, it was all they ever really wanted.

 

 

 

When they'd arrived home it had seemed as though they had ages until the next race when they would have to be parted again, but despite trying to make the most of their time together it seemed only heartbeat until it was a week later and Mark and Seb were left with one last day until Sebastian had to fly out to Kuala Lumpur. They spent it doing all the things they normally did, clinging to the familiarity of routine as a comforting reminder of ordinary everyday life.

They took their seats in the coffee shop, glad to see it was as quiet as it usually was at this time of day. A few minutes later the owner brought over their drinks without even taking an order, smiling as Mark joked that they must be getting boring if they were that predictable. She responded by remarking that if she didn't know her regulars then she wasn't really doing a very good job.

Sebastian smiled too, thinking how nice it was to be boring and ordinary and utterly unremarkable while they could.

As the manageress walked away Seb wondered aloud.

“Will you still still call in on runs while I'm away?”

Mark shook his head. “No point if you're not here.”

Seb couldn't help feeling good to hear that, even if it was a reminder of how much they would be missing one another. He glanced over and saw the young waitress follow the owner into the back for something and took the opportunity to reach over and place his hand over Mark's as he held his coffee cup. It was more of a relief than he could express that Mark didn't pull his hand away. They didn't have to hide quite so much around here. Nobody cared who they were or paid them any undue attention. It had hurt that they'd had to withhold every sign of affection when they had been at the track at Albert Park.

 

Mark sipped his coffee and tried not to think about how rare these moments were going to be over the upcoming few weeks.

“You're still sure you want to come back in-between?” he queried.

“Well yeah,” shrugged Sebastian. “I know it's not, you know, entirely logical.”

Mark huffed a little laugh which Sebastian echoed. It wasn't really very sensible to hack all the way back to England from Malaysia only to turn around and head out again for the back-to-back race in Bahrain, but while it was possible, he would do it.

“Get back Monday, leave again Wednesday?”

Seb simply shrugged again and smiled.

“Gives us all of Tuesday.”

“Fair enough.”

Mark wasn't about to object when he'd take any snatched moments they could get together. He just didn't want Seb running himself into the ground, rushing from place to place.

Sebastian knew he wouldn't even have time to unpack his suitcase before he had to leave again, but the way he saw it, he got part of Monday and all the way until Wednesday morning back home. If he was so knackered from trekking around the world that he wouldn't be able to do anything in that time other than collapse into bed, that was fine by him as long as Mark was there with him.

 

One consolation for his being away for the approaching weekend was that Mark wasn't going to be at home either. He had a couple of days' testing scheduled at the Paul Ricard circuit in France with Porsche.

“When will you get back?” Seb asked Mark.

“From France? Mm, should be Saturday night unless things run over.”

He smiled over at Sebastian. “Are you checking whether I'll be watching the race?”

Seb gave him a coy look. “Well I know it's early.”

Mark shook his head thinking Sebastian must know by now what it did to him when Seb looked at him through his lashes like that. He was putty in his hands very time.

“Of course I'll be watching. It's not _that_ early. I can sit and have a nice relaxed breakfast while I watch you,” he teased.

Sebastian pulled a face. “Urgh, well that's hardly fair.”

“More than fair mate when I'm giving up my Sunday lie-in,” asserted Mark.

In truth there would be almost no chance of a relaxed breakfast for Mark. He knew full well that he would spend the entirety of the race anxiously counting down the laps until he saw Sebastian step out of the car safe, preferably with a decent result, but that was secondary.

 

 

 

Seb lay awake in bed on the Friday night, or more accurately Saturday morning, seeing as it was now well past midnight. He knew he should have been asleep hours ago but he couldn't settle. He picked up his phone trying to calculate the time-difference to France to work out whether Mark would be finished with his day testing at the track. He wasn't sure if they might still be going over things, but he decided to call anyway. They'd exchanged a fair few text messages through the day when they could, but they hadn't had managed to find time when they were both free at respectable hours of the day when they could talk.

Thankfully the phone only rang a couple of times before Mark picked up.

“Hey,” greeted Mark.

“Hey. You done for today?” Seb checked.

“Yeah just. Gotta sort my things then I'll head back to the hotel in a bit.”

Mark was in his room, tidying up his race gear from the day. He looked at his watch.

“Seb what time is it with you?”

“Oh, umm, well it's pretty late I guess,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark finally worked it out. “Late? Hang on, it must be nearly one am.” He sounded unimpressed.

Seb looked at the time display on his phone: 12.39am, but who was counting?

Apparently Mark was.

“You should be asleep. You've got to be up in a few hours Seb.”

“When did you turn into my mother?”

“Very funny.”

“Ach _fine_. I can't sleep,” moaned Seb.

 

Mark sat himself down.

“Are you alright?”

“Hmmm, yeah. I just can't sleep,” Sebastian maintained.

“Are you worrying about stuff?” Mark guessed. “I thought you said today went okay.”

“It did.”

“And Daniel's not giving you any trouble or anything?”

Seb couldn't help watching his team-mate and worrying that he might say something. He didn't really think that Dan would intentionally break his word to keep quiet, but there was always a chance that he might let slip something accidentally. So far though, nothing had happened.

“No. He's been fine. He hasn't breathed a word as far as I can tell.”

Mark nodded, that was a relief to hear.

“So?” he prompted.

Sebastian let out a long sigh. “I miss you.”

Mark smiled despite himself. Seb sounded so pathetic. He wanted to tease him to cheer him up, but he couldn't do it.

“You know I do too.”

“I know, I know.”

“It's just a couple of days,” placated Mark.

“I know.”

 

Sebastian let out a long puff of air as he stared at the ceiling.

“I can't sleep without you here.”

He tried not to sound whiny, but it was the truth.

“Ah Seb. You know I wish I could be there.”

“Yeah,” accepted Sebastian.

“Nothing else the matter?” Mark double-checked.

“No. It's fine really. I'm just being silly.”

Mark huffed a dry little laugh.

“You're not being silly. I miss you just as much,” Mark stated.

“Mmmm.”

Seb's voice was slow and quiet.

“You sound tired Seb. Try to get some sleep so you can have a good day tomorrow,” suggested Mark.

“I just want a hug, that's all.”

 

Sebastian sounded so far away. It tugged at Mark's heart. He thought he'd give everything he owned to be with Seb right now, just to give him that longed for hug. Such a little thing to ask for. Mark wished he could magically appear by his side and slide into bed with Seb, hold him tight while he fell into a peaceful sleep. It wasn't much to ask, but they couldn't have it.

He gave a sad smile.

“I'll have to give you a virtual hug.”

“Hmm?”

“Are you actually in bed?” queried Mark.

“Yeah,” Seb confirmed.

“Okay. Put your phone on speaker and put it on the pillow by you,” Mark instructed.

Seb gave a soft laugh. “ _Mark_.”

“Try it,” he pushed.

“'kay.”

Sebastian did as he was told.

“Done it?”

“Mmm.”

“You've got to use your imagination, okay, so just close your eyes.”

Seb let out a slow breath as he shut his eyes tight.

“Are they closed?” checked Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Shut out everything else and concentrate on my voice,” Mark enjoined.

 

Sebastian started to relax as he absorbed the low calm voice that was so familiar to him. He found himself slowing his breathing right down.

“Mmm.”

Mark sat back against the wall and closed his own eyes.

“Okay, I'm right here. I'm right here with you.”

 

Seb let out another little sigh. Mark tipped his head the side and tried to imagine.

“I'm putting my arms around you and holding you. I'm holding you tight, right now.”

Sebastian pulled the duvet into himself and curled on his side. He breathed out a little “hmmmph,” as he imagined wrapping himself around Mark, lying his head on his chest and feeling him breathing in and out against him, feeling Mark holding him in.

It was all he wanted.

 

Mark took a deep breath in, thinking of how they'd lain together on the morning Seb had left. He'd not wanted to let go any more than Sebastian had wanted to. They'd had to force themselves to get up or Seb would have missed his flight. It was going to be like this, over and over all year. There was no way around it.

He let out the breath slowly.

Sebastian was very quiet.

“Seb,” Mark said softly, “you still there?”

“Mmm.”

“That better?”

“Yeah,” replied Seb in a slow hushed voice. “Love you.”

Mark smiled. “Love you too. Are you going to go to sleep now?”

“Mmm. Will you stay for a bit?”

“Stay?”

“Just talk to me for a while,” requested Sebastian.

“Okay.”

Mark shook his head wondering what he could talk about. Drawing a blank he ended up telling him all about his day at the track. He kept his voice low.

Sebastian left his phone on his pillow so he could listen to the sound of Mark's voice as he drifted away.

 

“Seb?” Mark tested quietly. “Seb you still there?”

Nothing. Mark could hear Sebastian breathing evenly. He knew Seb must be asleep. Mark opened his eyes, barely realising that he'd kept them closed this whole time.

“Night,” he said softly, knowing Sebastian wouldn't hear him.

 

Mark hung up and looked at his watch: only fifteen minutes had passed. It felt like far longer. He felt sleepy himself now. Mark roused himself to get his things together so he could leave to go back to his own hotel for the evening. Another long day tomorrow for both of them.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat at the back of the garage reading the text Mark had sent him wishing him luck for qualifying. The timings of this weekend were all over the place: Seb had been up for many hours now while Mark was just getting started with his day. He was still a little tired but it wasn't too bad, if Mark hadn't settled him down last night Seb thought he might not have gotten any sleep at all.

 

 

Second. He'd got second place on the grid. It wasn't pole, but it was a damn sight better than he'd been expecting. Seb forgot all about the time-difference and called Mark's phone as soon as he was done with the press. At first he was disappointed to get no answer, but then he remembered that of course Mark must be driving. He sent him a text telling Mark that quali had gone well and saying that he'd be free if Mark got chance to call him at some point, but not to worry if he was busy.

 

It wasn't until lunchtime that Mark got the opportunity to read Sebastian's message and ring him back. He stood out at the back of the garages where it was quiet, soaking in a little of the spring sunshine.

“Hey Seb. Well done mate.”

“Thanks. It wasn't perfect, but I got second, so that's not bad.”

“I know. That's great, really, well done.”

Sebastian frowned a little. “How did you know? You weren't watching were you?”

“I checked.”

Mark laughed. As if he wouldn't have looked for the results as soon as he got chance?

“Oh, okay. Well yeah. I mean, I know Lewis had a problem, but still...”

“Second is great Seb. You did pretty well in the race last year didn't you?”

Sebastian smiled, impressed that Mark remembered. “Third.”

“Well the car's better this year, so no reason you can't improve on that,” asserted Mark.

“Thanks. Yeah that's what I'm aiming for. You'll still be watching won't you?” Seb tried not to sound too needy.

“Of course I will,” assured Mark.

Seb didn't even know why he needed to hear Mark say it. He knew he would.

 

“What time will you get back tonight?” Sebastian asked.

“Ooof, late. Not sure exactly. Depends which flight I catch. Eleven or twelve-ish maybe?”

“You'll be knackered.”

Mark laughed. “Well all I have to do is roll downstairs to the sofa in time for the race. I'm sure I can manage that.”

Seb felt warm picturing Mark setting up camp in the lounge with the dogs to watch on TV so they could support him.

“Thanks.”

“I'd say I'd call you beforehand but I guess you'll be busy.”

“Probably. Don't worry about calling, that'd be early for you. It's fine. You know what it's like, I'll be tied up anyway,” offered Sebastian.

“Righto,” agreed Mark, thinking he could at least make sure he dropped Seb couple of texts to check he was alright going into the race.

“Okay, well I guess I'd better let you go,” allowed Sebastian.

“You'll get a proper early night tonight won't you?” checked Mark.

Seb gave a little laugh. “I will. Promise.”

Somehow he felt much better than he had the previous night. Today had been a good day and he felt fairly confident for the race. Mark would be watching. It wasn't quite the same as him being there, but it was something.

 

 

 

The next morning Sebastian sat in his room in the motorhome with just an hour to go before the race. Despite his protestations that he didn't need to speak to Mark to set him up before the race, he was a little disappointed that he hadn't heard anything from him. Sebastian tried to work out the time-difference again: Nearly eight o'clock. Okay well that was still pretty early, he thought. Mark would be tired if he'd got back late after a full day of testing and travelling. He'd be up in time to watch the race, Seb was certain of that. Mark wouldn't let him down when he had made a promise. It was fine. He didn't need Mark to get in touch to know that he'd be there for him.

Seb pulled out the now worn letter Mark had written him all those months ago and read it one more time. It never failed to affect him. Mark wouldn't give up on him. He never would.

He carefully folded the letter back up and put it away in his bag feeling settled and determined. Time to go.

 

Just as Sebastian approached the garage, his phone buzzed.

MARK: 'Nearly over-slept there, sorry. You all set for today?'

 

Seb leant against the side of the truck and smiled. Mark hadn't forgotten him, of course he hadn't.

 

SEB: 'Yes all good. Were you late back?'

MARK: 'Bit of a long story. Tell you later. Have a good one.'

SEB: 'Thanks. Gotta go.'

MARK: 'Good luck, not that you need it. I know you've got this. We'll be watching.'

 

Sebastian grinned to himself thinking how great Mark was and how good he was at always saying the right thing. He laughed a little to himself to think how anyone but them would think it slightly mad Mark telling him that the dogs would be watching the race with him, but it felt good to hear it and it felt even better to know that Mark _knew_ that Seb would like to hear it.

He switched his phone off and set his shoulders back ready to head into the garage. Mark was with him, things were looking promising for today. Time to get in the car, put down the visor, forget about everything else and race.

 

 

 

Seb climbed out of the car in Parc Ferme feeling pumped up. He went over to pat Lewis and then Daniel on the back to congratulate them. Maybe he ought to be more annoyed than he was that Lewis had managed to fight his way up through the field and overtaken him, but it had been a great tussle and Seb had done all he could. He'd kept Lewis behind him for far longer than ought to have been possible when he had a better car and a stronger engine and although Daniel's strategy putting him on medium tyres for the last ten laps should have put him in a position to over-take him right at the end, he'd held him off.

In the pre-podium room Daniel laughed and joked that he was sure if he'd had one more lap he could have taken Seb, while Lewis stood in the corner fussing with his hair before covering it with a Pirelli winner's cap. Sebastian nearly asked Lewis why he bothered, but he knew they all had their own little foibles and ticks. He turned his attention back to his team-mate and smiled at him, teasing Daniel back that if he couldn't do it in ten laps he didn't see what difference eleven would have made. Dan shook his head good naturedly and drank his water. Seb leaned back on the table and pulled his own cap on. It was a relief to see how Daniel was acting normally around him still.

He looked over and saw the camera homing in on him so Sebastian smiled and gave a wave, his smile broadening as he thought how it was for Mark and the dogs at home. Seb wondered if Mark might be giving him a wave back and whether Shadow and Simba might have gone up to the television screen to say hello. It was silly, but he loved the idea. He couldn't wait to get home to give the dogs a pet and Mark a great big hug to thank him for supporting him. He headed out with the others onto the podium thinking it was a shame he would have to wait until tomorrow to get to do that.

 

 

Once he had showered and changed Seb took the opportunity to settle back on his little bed in his room and call Mark.

“Hey,” greeted Sebastian.

“Hey Seb. Well done mate, that was great,” congratulated Mark.

Sebastian smiled and pulled his knees up into himself, getting comfy as he sat there.

“Yeah? I mean I know it just looks like I held station from the grid.”

“Only to anyone who didn't actually watch the race,” insisted Mark.

“Yeah. Thanks. The car does feel a bit better, I know I only got the lead because Nico went out, and I guess I couldn't hold Lewis back forever...”

“DRS mate,” interrupted Mark. “Nothing you could do there, but you didn't make it easy for him, and that was great stuff with Dan.”

“I think he might have had me if he'd had a couple more laps,” confessed Seb.

Mark gave a dry little laugh. “Race is 56 laps mate, doesn't matter if he could've over-taken you on lap 57, it doesn't count.”

Sebastian joined him in laughing.

“He's not being any trouble is he?” checked Mark. “I saw him talking to you after the race.”

“Oh, no actually I was making much the same point back to him. He seems fine,” explained Seb.

“Okay, well that's good to know.”

 

Mark let Sebastian run on, explaining how the race had gone from his point of view and how the car was generally feeling a step up from last year. It took Seb a few minutes to realise that Mark hadn't said a whole lot more that 'yeah' and 'uh huh' for a while.

“Sorry Mark, I'm going on a bit. Guess I'm still all full of adrenaline,” Seb excused.

“Nah, it's fine.”

“You must be tired,” recognised Sebastian. “You said you got back late. Was there a delay or something?”

“Oh, umm, well, something like that.”

Sebastian frowned, remembering that Mark had said it was a long story.

“What happened?”

Mark paused for a moment before admitting.

“Ah, well we had a little hiccup at the end of the day.”

“At the test?”

Sebastian couldn't quite work out what he meant.

“Mmm.”

Seb could hear in his voice that Mark wasn't telling him something.

“Mark what happened?”

“Bit of rain came in last thing and well...” Mark paused again, not really wanting to tell Seb this over the phone.

“We had a bit of a moment,” he finished vaguely.

“A moment?” Seb did not like the sound of that. “What do you mean 'a moment'?”

 

Mark sighed, there was no way of avoiding telling Seb without lying to him and he wasn't about to do that.

“Had a little off mate, caught the white lines when they were slippery. I don't know, maybe I was tired.”

Sebastian stopped, suddenly horrified.

“Off? You mean a crash. Mark you _crashed?”_

 

Mark hated how anxious Sebastian sounded, this was precisely why he hadn't wanted to mention it over the phone when he was so far away. Lost in thinking about this he didn't realise that he'd failed to respond to Seb's question.

“ _Mark?”_

“I'm fine. They just insisted on checking me out that's all.”

“Oh my god. Mark!”

Seb felt sick.

“You mean you had to go to the hospital?”

“No no, just medical at the track. They were just making sure. I'm really fine Seb. I'm fine.”

Sebastian had balled his spare hand up tight with worry.

“You're okay?” he asked anxiously.

“I'm fine. It was just protocol, okay? And then afterwards I waited around a bit to see how the car was. That's why I was delayed getting home.”

 

Seb didn't much like the sound of that either.

“How the car was?”

“Mmm?”

Mark realised he probably shouldn't have mentioned that.

“How badly was the car damaged?”

“Let's just say the wall came out better in the argument,” he joked.

Unfortunately Seb was in no mood for jokes.

“The _wall?_ Oh my god. Mark you crashed into a wall?”

“It's fine Seb. Really. Okay? Well, actually the car not so much, but they can fix it.”

“I don't care about the damn car,” retorted Sebastian.

 

Mark hated hearing how upset Seb sounded. This was why he hadn't wanted to tell him about it when it was in abstract and Sebastian could let his worries run away with him.

“I'm absolutely fine, Seb alright. I just didn't want to worry you.”

“Well of course I'm worried!”

“Well don't be. It's just a few bruises.”

“ _Bruises?”_

“Just seatbelt bruises, okay. They did their job. Better than the brakes did anyway,” joked Mark trying to lighten the tone.

“Don't joke Mark. How can you joke about it? Why didn't you tell me?”

Mark sighed. “Because I'm fine. Because it was the middle of the night with you and you needed a decent night's sleep.”

“Mark you should have called me,” protested Seb.

“I wasn't going to wake you,” explained Mark.

“Why didn't you call me this morning then?” pressed Sebastian.

Mark puffed out a breath. “I didn't want to interrupt you before the race.”

“Mark.” Sebastian sounded deeply unhappy.

Mark relented. “They gave me some painkillers and I slept in a bit. It was too late to call when you'd have been about to get in the car.”

“You should have said.”

 

Sebastian still sounded distressed.

“Okay well I'm sorry, alright. I didn't want to upset you when you were about to go racing Seb.”

Sebastian swallowed, thinking about what Mark had told him. “They gave you painkillers?”

“Nothing major okay. Nothing to worry about,” explained Mark calmly.

“Well I _am_ worried,” insisted Sebastian.

“This would be why I didn't want to tell you,” he repeated.

 

Seb closed his eyes. He knew that in a way Mark was right. If he'd heard this before the race his mind would not have been on the job.

“You're really okay?” Sebastian checked.

“I'm fine.”

“But they gave you painkillers?”

“Just standard procedure mate, that's all,” Mark reassured.

Seb nodded. “Are they bad bruises?”

Mark shrugged, a habit he'd picked up from Sebastian.

“I'll survive. When you come home you can kiss them better for me.”

Sebastian finally let out a little relieved laughter.

“I will.” Seb let out a long sigh. “I wish I wasn't so far away.”

“So do I mate, so do I,” admitted Mark.

He sat up a little on the sofa and hid a sharp intake of breath. In truth the bruising was pretty painful, but he wasn't about to tell Seb that when he was on the other side of the world, it would only get him more worked up when he could do nothing about it.

“I'm not going to be home until tomorrow,” noted Sebastian unhappily.

“I'll hang on till then, I promise.”

 

Sebastian pouted. He wanted to complain again at Mark for not telling him, but part of him knew that Mark might have been right not to have distracted him before the race and the other part was worrying whether he was really alright and didn't want to be unkind when Mark was hurt. They could discuss this more when he got home and saw for himself how Mark really was.

“Okay, well...” Seb suddenly didn't know what to say. He just wanted to be home already.

“I'm fine Seb. Don't be fretting. I'm just gonna rest up today and I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” relented Sebastian. “Make sure you actually do that, and take the painkillers they've given you.”

He thought it was more than likely Mark would try to just tough it out, making some stupid point to himself.

“Yes doctor,” jested Mark.

Sebastian let out an unimpressed huff and Mark knew he was still a little bit in trouble for not informing Seb about what had happened, but he didn't regret it, not really. Seb had got a good result today. That was important. A couple of bruises for him really wasn't. He'd take Seb being unhappy within him for now. They could discuss it when Seb actually got home.

 

“Okay, well I guess I'd better go and let you rest,” suggested Sebastian, sounding slightly ameliorated. “Promise me you'll do as you're told.”

Mark wanted to make another joke, but clearly that was best avoided.

“I will. And I'll see you before you know it.”

Sebastian nodded. He really needed to be home.

“Okay. Take care of yourself Mark. I love you.”

Mark felt more guilty than he had all though this conversation as Seb said that with such feeling.

“I love you too. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner alright.”

He hadn't meant to add that last, but he suddenly was sorry. He didn't like keeping anything from Sebastian and he hated more than anything hearing Seb upset.

“I'll see you soon then.”

“See you soon mate.”

 

They hung up. Mark laid himself carefully back down on the sofa and sighed, wondering if he'd done the right thing after all. He still wasn't entirely sure whether it hadn't been right to shield Seb from worrying about him.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and took a moment to calm himself. He tried not to worry too much about Mark. Bruises weren't the end of the world, they would heal, he knew that only too well from personal experience, but it couldn't be great if the doctors at the track had given Mark painkillers for them. He needed to be home to see for himself that Mark was really alright.

Seb walked out of his room and headed downstairs. He had an idea.

 

 

 

 

In the early hours of the morning Mark was woken from a deep sleep by a body crawling into bed next to him. He opened his eyes and looked over in the darkness.

“Seb is that you?” he asked dozily.

Sebastian gave a small laugh. “I hope you weren't expecting anyone else.”

Mark huffed a laugh back and turned towards him, but he was unable to contain an inhale of breath as the movement hurt more than he had expected.

Sebastian immediately sat up and turned on the bedside light.

“Oh Mark, you're not okay. I knew it. Let me see,” he demanded.

 

Mark let out a heavy breath and shifted over onto his back. Seb lowered the duvet and Mark allowed him to lift up his t-shirt to look at him. Sebastian pulled it all the way up so he could see. Even in this low light he could see the dark bruising marring his chest on both sides and pulling Mark's t-shirt higher he could see the bruises reached all the way up to his shoulders.

“ _Mark,_ ” gasped Seb, horrified.

Mark dragged his t-shirt back down.

“They're just bruises Seb. I'm okay.”

Sebastian pouted and looked upset. Mark couldn't stand to see it so he forced himself to sit up and put his arms around Seb, who in turn wrapped his arms very carefully around Mark so he didn't pull him too tight.

Seb pressed his cheek into Mark's, feeling horrible.

“I'm really okay,” reassured Mark.

 

He pulled away and looked at Sebastian who still seemed distressed.

“I'm fine. They're just bruises. They'll heal. I'm really fine,” Mark repeated.

“If anything happened to you,” Sebastian couldn't finish the sentence, he swallowed. It didn't bare thinking about. If anything happened to Mark he'd be lost. His whole life would be over. Seb couldn't stand thinking that an accident could snatch the person he loved away from him.

 

“You should have called me,” insisted Sebastian, sounding hurt.

He'd spent the entire journey home vacillating between worrying about Mark and being annoyed with him for not letting him know what had happened sooner.

Mark sighed. “I'm really not up to having this argument right now. I'm half-asleep.”

Seeing Sebastian still looking unhappy he reached up his hand and placed it against Seb's cheek.

“We can talk tomorrow. I'm just tired right now and I'd quite like to go back to sleep. Aren't you tired?”

Seb gave a half shrug. He was tired really, having trekked half-way round the world and he hadn't rushed back here to have an argument. All he really wanted was to know Mark was okay. To see it with his own eyes and to be with him.

“Come on.”

Mark started to move to lie back down and pulled at Seb's arm to get him to join him.

Sebastian let out a long sigh knowing that he was tired and upset and this wasn't the time to have a discussion.

 

“Besides, didn't you promise you'd kiss me better as soon as you got home?” remembered Mark.

Sebastian tried to fight the teasing smile he saw on Mark's lips. He couldn't though, it crept up and stole across his own. He carefully pushed Mark's shirt out of the way again and kissed as lightly as he could across where the bruises shaded his skin before smoothing the t-shirt back into place.

“Better?” 

“Much better,” smiled Mark.

Seb gazed down at Mark knowing there was no way he could stay annoyed when Mark looked at him like that; his eyes all soft and warm and the tease still hinting at the corners of his lips. It was impossible.

 

As Seb lay back down and they moved so they were facing one another, Mark's brain finally caught up.

“How did you get back here so early?”

He'd not been expecting Sebastian back for a good many hours yet.

“Oh umm, Lewis gave me a lift.”

“A lift?”

“In his plane.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. “Well I didn't think he'd driven here in that time. Even with that Mercedes.”

Seb smiled despite himself. Mark always managed to do that to him.

“He's visiting his family over here.”

“Ah right.”

Sebastian scrunched his face up a little before admitting the truth.

“I told him it was a family emergency.”

Mark looked at him in shock.

“ _Sebastian Vettel_ you did _not_.”

Seb screwed his face up even tighter and bit his lip like a naughty child who had been caught out.

Mark shook his head and tsk'd, but he couldn't help being touched at the lengths Seb had gone to.

“Come here.”

Mark slid a hand under Sebastian and pulled him closer.

“Daft thing. It wasn't an emergency,” he chided gently.

“It was to me,” Sebastian insisted.

Mark reached over and stroked his cheek before kissing him.

 

Sebastian took a breath in, all he cared about in this moment was that Mark was alright and that he was home with him. He sat up and switched out the light so they could go to sleep. He moved to settle himself down, leaning himself in against Mark's chest as he usually did.

Mark let out an involuntary hiss and moved away.

“Mm, sorry, not sure that's going to work.”

Seb pulled back.

“Oh Mark, sorry, oh I didn't mean to. I wasn't thinking.”

“That's okay. Why don't we try like this?”

Mark moved so he could lean in against Sebastian instead.

“How's that?” he checked.

“Mmm, good.”

Seb let his arms rest around Mark making sure not to pull him too tightly in.

Mark settled down thinking that it was rather nice to lie like this and feel like he was the one being taken care of for once.

“I cannot believe you conned poor Lewis into bringing you back,” murmured Mark.

“Hmmm,” breathed Seb non-committally. He knew he'd do it again in a heartbeat.

 

They lay against one another breathing slowly in time, drowsiness taking hold.

“Can we just not get up tomorrow?” Sebastian requested.

“Today,” corrected Mark quietly.

“Whenever.”

“Well I've been told to rest,” smiled Mark against him.

“Perfect,” breathed Seb, letting his eyes close.

Maybe they did need to talk to sort all this out, but right now both of them thought that they could sleep for twenty-four hours straight. Just like this.

 

 

 

They were sat on the bench at the top of the hill near Mark's letting the dogs have a good run around seeing as they'd not had a walk the previous day when Mark and Seb had given in to temptation and done absolutely nothing all day.

The subject of Mark failing to tell Sebastian what had happened soon enough had been covered more than once, but they were still at something of an impasse as both of them knew deep down that it wasn't right that Mark had held back the information and that at the same time it would not have been good for Seb to have been distracted and upset going into the race.

Mark thought Sebastian was still too quiet as they sat there.

“You're not still mad at me are you?” he wondered.

Seb huffed out a sigh.

“I'm not mad at you,” he insisted.

Mark turned more to look at him.

“You're not?”

Seb gave a half shrug.

“I don't know. I don't like that you didn't tell me. I'm not really okay with you keeping things from me.”

“I'm sorry. It was just a few hours. I was always going to tell you, just when you got home.”

Sebastian gave an almost smile. ”Well I'm pretty sure I would have noticed then.”

Mark relented. “Yeah alright. But you know why I waited.”

“I do, but...” Seb huffed another long sigh, “I get it. I understand you were thinking of me and the race and everything and I do appreciate that, but you still should have told me.”

He looked at Mark seriously. “You can't protect me by keeping things from me.”

Mark nodded. “Yeah okay. Lesson learned alright?”

 

Seb reached out and took his hand to give it a squeeze so Mark would know that they were really okay.

“Okay then.”

“Next time I'll call you,” promised Mark.

Sebastian looked at him sharply. “There won't _be_ a next time. Don't say that. I can't stand the idea. You've no idea how much I worry when you're racing.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. “I think I do Seb. I'm a nervous wreck watching you race.”

Seb nodded and swallowed hard. He shifted closer to Mark and sat up against him. He leant his head in against Mark's and they sat like that for a moment both appreciating their shared dilemma.

“Guess we'll just have to make sure we take extra care not to crash,” suggested Sebastian.

“Problem solved then,” asserted Mark, knowing full well that it wasn't.

 

Sebastian sat and turned a little so that he was facing into Mark. He kept a hold of his hand as he spoke.

“Thing is, I can't help thinking; what if something really bad happened?” explained Seb.

Mark shook his head. “You can't think like that Seb.”

“No, I mean, but it could right? I don't want to think it, but what if it did? The team wouldn't even know to call me would they?”

Mark opened his mouth to speak, but he knew that was true. Hiding their relationship meant that no one would know how much they meant to each other and that they would be the person the other would need if something happened.

“I suppose our families would be called, and they know.”

“Do your family even have my number?” queried Sebastian.

Mark stopped. That was a good point. “No. I can give it them though.”

“Same here,” noted Seb, “but I still... I mean, I'd still want to be called first.”

 

He looked at Mark a little anxiously before confessing something.

“At the start of the season the team give out those forms, to check contact details are up-to-date.”

Seb looked down for a moment, then back up again.

“They ask for your next of kin. You know, who you'd want to be called in an emergency.”

Mark nodded.

“I don't know, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I wanted to put you.”

Sebastian felt anxious that he might over-reaching.

 

Mark squeezed his hand. He gave a little smile.

“You should have said something.”

They were as bad as each other sometimes when it came to holding back.

Seb gave a little half-shrug.

“Maybe it's too soon. I don't know, I don't want to make assumptions.”

“ _Seb._ ”

Mark rubbed his thumb across the back of Sebastian's hand reassuringly.

“I know it's only a couple of months.”

“Yeah but it's not really is it?”

Mark looked at Seb carefully. Sebastian gave him a little nod back. Their relationship was far more than the sum of a few months since they'd got together properly.

“I just, if something happened, I'd want them to call you,” asserted Sebastian.

“I'd want them to call me too. And I'd want them to call you if anything happened to me, so...” Mark took a deep breath. “I suppose we have an issue.”

Sebastian gave a wry smile. “Guess we can't just fill in a form without telling people.”

“No,” confirmed Mark.

Another complication for them. What a surprise.

 

“Maybe I could talk to Christian,” proposed Sebastian. “I know I've been saying it for ages and putting it off.”

“Well that's okay,” allowed Mark.

“Yeah but this is real now isn't it? We can't just ignore this.”

“No. I suppose not,” agreed Mark.

Seb gave a slow nod as he decided.

“Okay, well I guess I can try and see if I might get chance to talk to him sometime this weekend.”

“Yeah?”

“I guess it wouldn't be so bad just talking to Christian about this. It doesn't have to mean the whole thing, about you know, going public and that, but maybe I could talk to him a bit about that too?”

“Whatever you're comfortable with,” assured Mark.

“Yeah, okay. Well Christian will be alright, won't he?”

“Yeah of course he will.” Mark gave a little laugh. “Guess I need to think who I can talk to on my team as well.”

 

Sebastian nodded, thinking he was actually pretty lucky that he had someone he already know he could trust that he could talk to about this.

“In the meantime, no crashing okay?”

Seb gave him a little smile. It was hardly a matter to joke about, but he felt a little lighter having discussed the matter properly.

“Okay, I promise. No crashing until we've updated the paperwork,” Sebastian returned.

“Very good.”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Next of kin; It was pretty big statement, but it meant a lot that Seb felt that was where they were at. It meant everything.

He smiled at Seb. It was typical though: Even bloody paperwork had to be complicated for them.

 

 

 

 

There was an in-season test running in Bahrain following the race, but Sebastian had volunteered to go back to England so that he could work on the sim in the factory to tie in with the work they were doing on track. It meant allowing Daniel more time in the car, but this way he got to go back home sooner, so he hadn't hesitated. Christian had decided that the track team could run things adequately without his supervision so he was also heading back to the UK on the Sunday night so he could co-ordinate with them from the factory in Milton Keynes.

It was later than the time the rest of the main body of F1 personnel had travelled back as the team had wanted to run over their plans following the standard race debrief, so Seb and Christian were left hanging around a largely deserted airport after midnight as they waited for their flight to Heathrow.

 

Sebastian suggested going to get a coffee thinking that now really was as good a time as any for them to have that little chat he'd been trying to build himself up to all weekend.

Christian insisted on getting the drinks so Seb selected a table over in the far corner where they wouldn't be disturbed if anyone else did wander in here.

Christian passed over his coffee and disposed of the tray before sitting down opposite Sebastian.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Guess this should keep us going,” smiled Christian.

Maybe a little too much, he thought, seeing as it might be an idea if they got some sleep on the flight, but at least this would keep them occupied for a while.

They drank their drinks for a bit, making pleasant enough small talk. Seb spent the time wondering how on earth he was supposed to launch into the subject he needed to discuss.

 

He almost laughed when it was Christian who brought things around by asking after Mark.

“I meant to say,” Christian started, “I heard Mark had a bit of a crash at testing recently. Nothing too serious I hope?”

“No he's fine. Well, some bruising, but he's okay,” explained Sebastian.

He was slightly surprised that Christian was asking him about Mark, but then he was well aware that the two were friends when most people weren't really.

“Glad to hear it. Mark's made of stern stuff I suppose. Takes a lot to stop him.”

Seb huffed a little laugh in agreement. Aussie grit and all that. It was part of Mark's image and Sebastian knew it was partly true; Mark didn't give in easily to anything, but he knew there was a softness underneath that Seb thought few others would ever know about.

 

Sebastian took a sip of his drink to settle himself before taking a leap.

“Yeah, umm about Mark. I was wondering if I could talk to you about that, well him, I mean us,” Seb tripped.

He could kick himself for how bad he was at this sort of thing.

Christian just nodded, unperturbed. He waited for Sebastian to carry on, but getting nothing he prompted.

“Uh huh, yeah?”

“So, well, I mean you know that we're friends now. Mark and I.”

Christian merely nodded thinking that he should let Seb get out whatever he was trying to say.

“So, yeah, okay, well the thing is,” Sebastian looked carefully at his boss. “Well, we're not just friends.”

Christian looked over at Sebastian and he could have laughed at the nervousness on his face as he fought to get out what was only too obvious about the pair, but that would be unkind. Instead he spoke reassuringly.

“Yes Seb. It's okay. I know.”

 

Sebastian sat back in surprise.

“You know?”

“Well yes Sebi. I wasn't sure whether I ought to say anything. I mean, it's none of my business to interfere of course, but I have been wondering whether it was becoming more of a pressing concern.”

Seb frowned a little. “What do you mean?”

“Well he was in Melbourne with you and I did consider if I ought to speak to you about it.”

Sebastian wondered whether Christian disapproved.

“You thought he shouldn't have been there?”

Christian gave a laugh. “No no, of course not. I was just wondering whether he was likely to be coming to more races?”

“Oh.”

Well that was something, at least Christian seemed on side. “Yeah, hopefully.”

Christian nodded. “And is that what you wanted to talk about?”

“Not exactly. Well maybe.” Sebastian stopped. “Is it really obvious? That we're together I mean?”

Christian shook his head.

“I don't think so, no. I'm sure it's only because I've seen you two together,” Christian explained.

“Naturally I've seen rather more of you two behind the scenes as it were. So I've been presuming for a while...” he left off, leaving it open as to what exactly he'd seen to lead him to think that way.

 

Sebastian frowned. He supposed it wasn't massively surprising that Christian had worked them out, but that last comment threw him a bit.

“A while?” He looked at Christian. “How long?”

Christian wasn't quite sure how to answer that. It wasn't something he could put a date on, it was more a matter of something he had gradually been more sure of.

“Well, I,” Christian shrugged and smiled. “Last year I guess, sometime, I couldn't really say...”

Seb started laughing. Oh lord, how was it that he and Mark seemed to have been the last ones to work out what was going on between them?

 

Christian was perplexed. Seb seemed amused by his assumption. Was that wrong? Was it less, or more time? Surely this hadn't been going on when Mark was still at the team? That wasn't why he had known what was going on with Sebastian when he'd been in trouble? He couldn't imagine Mark standing by while Heikki mistreated Seb. No, it couldn't be that long.

“Not last year then?” queried Christian.

Sebastian shook his head. “No. Well, I guess we were close. Closer than we realised maybe, but no, it's just this year.”

“Just this year?” echoed Christian.

He was surprised to hear that. Christian could have sworn it was longer than that. He didn't think 'close' really covered what he'd seen between the two of them last year.

“The start of the year, New Year actually.”

Sebastian pinked a little at the revelation he was sharing.

“Oh, really? Well there you go. Shows what I know.”

 

Christian smiled. New Year? There must be a story there, but he wasn't about to pry.

Sebastian shrugged. “I guess we were pretty slow on the uptake. Our families thought it was before then too.”

“So your families know?” checked Christian.

“Yeah, it's fine. We've been to see them and everything.”

“And they're good?”

Christian didn't quite want to ask if they approved of their relationship, it seemed too impertinent a question to pose.

“Yeah they're good,” confirmed Sebastian. He gave a shake of his head. “You aren't the only one. Turns out my family were convinced we were together when we went to stay for Christmas. Most of them anyway.”

Christian raised his eyebrows. “Mark went with you to your family for Christmas?”

Seb nodded.

“And you _weren't_ together then?” Christian sounded disbelieving.

“Umm, no, well not really.”

 

Sebastian thought how he and Mark had spent that night together crammed into his little bed. Oh dear, they must have been in denial. It was so obvious looking back.

He smiled and shrugged. “I guess maybe we were together more than we realised.”

Christian acknowledged that with a little tip of his head. It certainly sounded it. You surely didn't invite someone into your family Christmas like that otherwise?

Seb drank some more of his coffee. It was nice that Christian was clearly okay with it and didn't think their relationship was anything shocking, but then they'd been assuming that would be pretty much the case.

 

Christian thought of all the times he'd witnessed just how close the pair were last year, literally so; he'd seen any amount of hugs and hand holding. He remembered seeing Mark put his arm around Seb as they walked along. And they weren't together then? Really?

Mark had been so concerned for Sebastian and he in turn clearly relied on Mark. After everything he'd been through, Christian had to suppose that was no surprise. Maybe that was what had held them back? He wasn't going to question Seb about it. These things were usually rather more involved for the actual participants than anyone looking on. None of his business really and who was he to have an opinion on what had happened when and why? Sebastian had patently been so much happier over the past few months. That could only be a good thing, no need to dig into it all.

 

“Well I'm pleased for you, really Seb. Perhaps I should have said that before.”

“Are you?”

“Of course.”

“Right. Thanks. Only, well aren't we going to create a bit of a problem for you?”

“A problem?” Christian frowned, then it hit him. “Oh, right. So that's why you wanted to talk to me? Are you thinking about going public?”

 

Christian tried not to sound judgmental, but Seb was correct; that was going to create rather a problem for them. It wasn't right, but it was true.

“Well we are thinking about it, but actually no, that wasn't really why I told you,” corrected Sebastian feeling slightly embarrassed.

“Oh?” Christian was rather confused.

“Um, well like you mentioned, Mark had that crash and it made us think; What if something happened to one of us, you know, if there was an accident or something?”

Christian continued to look at him, so Seb spelt it out. “If nobody knew, they wouldn't know to call us, whichever one of us I mean. To tell us.”

“Oh. Oh I see, right.”

Christian wondered if he hadn't got ahead of himself expecting Seb and Mark to want to come out, it was a pretty dramatic course of action. But of course wanting at least someone to know who to get in touch with was natural.

 

“I want to put Mark down as my next of kin,” stated Sebastian gathering his nerve.

“Gosh.”

Seb nearly laughed. He couldn't think of a more understated English reaction.

“So, umm, I suppose that means you're pretty serious about each other then?” ventured Christian.

Sebastian nodded. “Yes, we are.”

The more he'd thought about it, the more sure he'd become. They weren't rushing ahead of themselves; they were everything to one another and if that didn't mean next of kin, what did?

 

Sebastian carried on. “So I wanted to talk to you to make sure you knew to call Mark if anything happened.”

“Of course. No that's fine Seb. Not that anything is going to happen.” Christian gave Seb a reassuring little smile.

Seb nodded back. It was what you always said, convincing yourself that whilst you knew racing was dangerous it wouldn't be you that got hurt; It was the only way to go on, but underneath it all you always knew that the threat lurked waiting to bite the unsuspecting. It didn't matter how experienced the driver, how good the car, accidents happened.

“And is Mark going to talk to his team?” wondered Christian.

“Yeah. We have to really. I guess it's a bit easier for me seeing as I've got you to talk to.”

Christian smiled and raised his drink in acknowledgement, rather flattered that Sebastian trusted him so much.

Seb took another sip of coffee considering whether to carry on. Encouraged by Christian's positive reaction he took the plunge.

“Christian, what would you say if we did decide to come out?”

Christian puffed out a long breath. It wasn't as though he hadn't had plenty of time to think over this issue. He'd expected it to come up at some point.

“Well, I wouldn't stand in your way if it was what you wanted Seb, but you know it wouldn't be easy?”

Seb nodded. He certainly did know that.

Christian found himself glancing around to see if they had any company in the coffee shop, but thankfully it was deserted and the sole barista at the counter was far enough away not to overhear them talking.

“Would the team disapprove?” asked Sebastian.

“The team? Well the team at the track or the factory, no I don't think that would really be an issue so much Seb. We're just there to race.”

“You don't think some people in the team might have a problem with it?”

“If they have a problem with it, they have a problem with me,” asserted Christian confidently.

 

Seb relaxed a little to hear that his boss was so definitively on their side.

“Thank you.”

“Obviously RedBull as a whole is a rather bigger issue,” interjected Christian.

Sebastian had expected as much.

“It's not so much that they'd disapprove Seb, but, well I'm sorry to sound so cold about it, but there are commercial issues they'd be considering.”

“Right.” Seb had known it couldn't be that simple. “So you think Dietrich wouldn't like it if he knew.”

Christian let out a small laugh. “Ah, well Seb don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think it would come as a galloping shock to him.”

“Oh.” Sebastian furrowed his brow a little, wondering if Christian had discussed the matter with him. “He knows about us?”

“Ah well, no not so much about you and Mark together, but he certainly knows individually, that you're gay I mean.”

Christian actually felt strange saying the word out loud. He shook himself. If they were talking about going public he'd better get used to being more comfortable with it.

“Oh okay. He's never said anything,” noted Seb.

Christian tipped his head in response.

“Well it wasn't an issue was it?”

Seb shrugged. “I suppose not. But now it is.”

“Mmm.”

“And what about Helmut?”

“Ah, well I suspect he's in something of a state of denial there,” admitted Christian.

“Really?”

“Mmm, yeah to be honest Seb, I'm not sure he'd be wild about it.”

“Oh. You think he'd disapprove?”

Christian sighed. “I think he'd consider it a distraction from racing.”

“For me?”

“For you, for the whole team,” explained Christian. He looked at Seb and carried on, knowing they had to be realistic about things. “You have to know there would be a pretty big storm over this?”

“Yeah I do. I know that the media would pretty much explode.” Seb didn't want to think about it, but there was no ignoring the predictability of that.

“Hmm. Yeah, and that would not be fun for you or Mark.” Christian looked a little sadly at him. “They'd have a field day. Things could be pretty uncomfortable for you for a while. You know what they're like even when they've got nothing to go on.”

Sebastian nodded. The press could be hurtful even when they had mere speculation to go on, with this they'd really go to town. Seb knew it would be almost impossible to ignore them and not be affected by it.

 

Christian paused. “I'm presuming you mean going public about the two of you?”

“Yeah. Bit pointless otherwise,” quipped Sebastian.

“Yes, I see. Well...”

Christian laughed and shook his head.

“Yes, well given your past, the media will doubtless get a little over-excited about the two of you being together.”

Sebastian nodded. It wasn't exactly reassuring to hear that, but they had known that all along. He did note however, the way his boss was saying 'will' as if the course of events was inevitable.

 

Christian looked at him more seriously.

“Look Seb, the press are the press, they'll always find something to write about. It wouldn't be much fun, but we'd handle it, although I think I might need to give the PR team a pay rise. The bigger issue is...” he huffed out a long breath, no denying the truth, “look Seb, Formula One is a business. It's about bringing in sponsors and keeping them happy. It's about publicity and image.”

“And you think this wouldn't fit in with their image?” interrupted Sebastian.

Christian opened out his hands.

“I honestly don't know Seb. RedBull entered F1 to raise their profile,” he suddenly laughed again, “this would certainly do that. I don't know, maybe if we handled it right it needn't be entirely negative,” he shook his head, “but the hard truth is some sponsors might not like it. There are places in the world where this would not go down too well.” Which was putting it mildly, he thought.

“So you think we should keep quiet?” questioned Sebastian.

Christian rubbed his face feeling tired.

“I don't know. It's not like we have precedent here. It might not be so bad. I don't know. To be honest Seb, this would be Dietrich's call. Do you want me to talk to him?”

Sebastian stared at his drink for a moment.

“Could you do that, without, I don't know, it being a point of no return?” he asked anxiously.

“I'm sure I can have a word and get the lay of the land Seb. Don't worry about that okay. Like I say, it wouldn't be such a massive surprise to him.”

“Okay.”

 

Christian considered what he had been saying and how bizarre the situation really was when he was asking Seb to wait for approval before being allowed to be openly with somebody.

“Look Sebi when it comes down to it, it's _not_ Dietrich's call, it's not the team's, it's not mine. It's yours and Mark's. It's entirely up to you what you want to do and what you want to tell people. It's not up to anyone else to dictate to you what you say or how you behave, or heaven forbid who you're with. Okay?”

Sebastian puffed out a breath. That was true, but putting it that simply didn't mean the situation really was simple.

He shrugged. “I know, but if we want the team's backing?”

“Well I can only speak for myself. You'd have my backing. But yes if we want to try to manage this then it would be wise to try and put in some planning.”

Seb nodded. He did appreciate that much.

“Okay, so what else would we need to worry about?”

“Not _worry_ , Seb,” assured Christian.

“Fine, okay. What else do we need to consider?” corrected Sebastian.

“Well as far as the team is concerned, I suppose we might be able to make some discreet enquiries with sponsors to check that they are on side,” suggested Christian.

“Really?”

 

Sebastian couldn't help feeling encouraged by that. At least Christian was backing him up. If he could find out about how things looked without them having to actually make a decision, that would probably be the best option.

“Yeah I think so Seb. I don't want to make any promises as to what they'll say, but you do at least have the fact that you're a four time world champion in your favour.”

“You think that'll make a difference?” wondered Seb.

“Yeah I do. You've got a proven track record. People like being associated with success. It might persuade them to overlook certain... complications.”

Christian felt bad putting it that way, but it was true.

“Not so much recently,” worried Sebastian.

“I'm sure we'll have more success this year Seb, and like I say, your record stands.”

“Right. Okay, yeah maybe you could do that; look into it I mean?”

“Yes I can do that.”

 

Christian thought how yet again his job description went nowhere near all the things he had to cover, but he couldn't help feeling he owed Sebastian, not just for all the success he had brought the team over the years, but because he had let him down so badly by failing to, if not protect him from Heikki, at least to have _noticed_ that he was in trouble. It was something he'd never quite forgive himself for.

 

“Thank you. Really Christian, that would be a big help. At least to have an idea whether we're crazy to even consider it.”

“No problem. Don't be worrying though, alright? Making a couple of enquiries won't upset the apple-cart,” assured Christian.

“Okay, well...” Sebastian puffed out a long breath. “I'm sorry to give you more problems. I always seem to do that.”

Christian shook his head. “It's not a problem. Or at least it shouldn't be. I'm sorry that you have to be concerned about this, things shouldn't be this way.”

“But they are, aren't they, especially in F1,” Seb accepted.

“Yes. Yes I'm afraid so. Whatever you choose to do won't be easy.”

 

He considered Sebastian, thinking about how Mark had accompanied him to the race in Melbourne and how they'd doubtless had to hide their true feelings.

“I suppose it's not easy now anyway?” Christian continued.

“No.”

“And if Mark is going to be coming to more races...”

“Do you think he shouldn't?”

“No Seb, you should do what you want. I just meant it must be difficult, having to worry about appearances.”

“We just want to be ourselves, it shouldn't feel like such a crime,” proclaimed Sebastian.

“No it shouldn't.”

Sebastian sighed. “There are places in the world where it is actually a crime. It makes me sick to think it, but there are.” He looked up at Christian. “Some places we race at.”

“Yes, I know, I'm sorry.”

“Do you think that would be a problem? I mean if we went ahead?”

 

Christian had considered this issue. “No, not as a competitor. Your profile gives you cover, which sounds harsh, but it's true. If you did choose to be open about your relationship they might not like it, but within the window of a race you would be protected. I don't think it would be a great idea if Mark came with you to certain races though.”

“No, okay. We're not actually looking for trouble,” agreed Sebastian.

“Okay, well fair enough. Do you have a plan, for when Mark is going to be coming along?”

Seb shrugged. “Not exactly, just where he can when he's not racing. Europe mostly I suppose.”

Christian nodded. That sounded reasonable.

“I take it he'll be coming either way?”

Seb frowned. “Either way?”

“Whether you go public or not,” Christian clarified.

“Oh, well, yeah. I just... It'd just be nice to have someone there to support me occasionally you know?”

“Yes of course,” agreed Christian, thinking how unfair it was that Sebastian had to battle to be allowed what others took for granted.

“And I'm hopefully going to be able to go to do the same for him where I can,” expanded Sebastian.

“Right.”

“I know it seems like we're drawing attention to us being together.”

“Well no, I don't think anyone would be that surprised to see Mark around,” accepted Christian. “He was last year a fair bit, so I suspect people have got used to seeing him. We can always give him a bit of work to keep him busy about the place to explain him being there, and the media are always keen to talk to him. I don't suppose anyone would notice.”

“As long as we behave ourselves?” Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“Well...” Christian really didn't know what to say to that. It was true after all.

“You don't think we've given the game away already? I mean if you knew?” wondered Sebastian.

“No. I don't think so. No one's mentioned anything particularly anyway. I mean there might have been the odd comment last year when people were a little surprised to see Mark and you getting on, but I think they're over that.”

 

“Mmm,” agreed Seb, recalling that his boss hadn't been the only one to have paid them more attention than most. “Umm, yeah, actually I should have said; maybe we've not been quite that subtle.”

Christian frowned. He couldn't think of a time he'd seen anything in public between the two of them that would have aroused suspicion.

“What do you mean?”

“Dan worked it out too,” admitted Seb.

Christian opened his eyes wide. “Daniel?”

“Yeah.”

“Daniel knows? You're sure?”

“Mmm, yeah he dropped a couple of hints so I ended up talking to him,” Sebastian confessed.

“When was this?” Christian was surprised both at Daniel's perspicacity and Seb confronting him about it.

“Australia. It's fine though. He, well, he didn't seem all that bothered,” Seb explained.

“I see. Well Daniel is a pretty easy-going person, so I suppose that isn't that surprising.”

 

At least it was someone within the team thought Christian, resolving to have a quiet word with his other driver to make sure he was kept on-message.

“If only everyone was like him I think we'd be alright,” noted Seb a little sadly.

“Yeah,” agreed Christian. “I wish I could say they will be Seb.”

Sebastian nodded. No point deluding himself that they would be though.

“Would there be trouble, you know, within F1, do you think?”

“I don't think so. Not overtly. I doubt the sport could afford to appear homophobic in the modern world. That wouldn't be a very positive image. But there would doubtless be some who harbour some pretty old-fashioned attitudes.”

“Bernie for starters,” added Sebastian thinking of some of the unpleasant things the effective boss of F1 had said in the past.

Christian laughed unexpectedly. “Bernie is a bit of a dinosaur I grant you, but just between you and me Seb I suspect he'd love the publicity.”

“Really?” Sebastian sounded suspicious.

“Well yes. You know what he's like. Bernie enjoys a controversy. He loves more than anything when F1 makes the front page and gets the whole world talking.”

Christian raised an eyebrow over at Sebastian. “And he'd be getting a bucket-load of free coverage on this one.”

Sebastian smiled. That was certainly true.

“You don't think he'd make life difficult for us?”

Christian shrugged. “Bernie and I are pretty good friends. I'll try to keep him on side, and he's always liked you.”

“He liked that I won,” interposed Sebastian, thinking that Bernie Ecclestone had been distinctly cooler towards him in the past year.

“Well maybe, but as I say, you've done plenty for the sport, maybe it owes you a little something back?”

Sebastian looked at him. “I think the cut-throat world of F1 has a pretty short memory.”

“Well maybe. Handled right I don't think this has to be a complete disaster Seb. F1 has legions of PR people working in it. If they can't spin this into a positive then they should go do something else.”

 

Sebastian laughed at Christian's indefatigability. He was good at all the politics and the media stuff. Seb thought it was lucky that Christian was his boss, surely not all team principles would have been prepared to fight his corner? They might have told him to keep his mouth shut, keep Mark away and do everything he could to keep things quiet if he wanted to hold on to his seat.

“You really think we could survive this?” worried Sebastian.

“Yes. Handled right as I say. I mean don't get me wrong Seb, it won't be easy.”

Christian paused, realising that he was working on the assumption that it was inescapable that the pair would have to come out sooner or later. He might be assuring Sebastian that no one else had noticed, but if Daniel had, maybe others had picked up on it too, and surely if Mark was going to be coming to support Seb, then that had to be more of a risk. Maybe there really was no other choice but to find a way to face up to being honest with the world.

“It shouldn't be this way. It shouldn't be that you have to worry about your career just because of who you're with,” Christian declared, feeling frustrated at the world they lived in.

Sebastian gave him a look indicating that he understood.

Christian gave a dry laugh. “All this fuss. You know if you just decided to turn up with Mark at the next race and tell the world to get stuffed and you were together, I wouldn't blame you.”

Sebastian rejoined. “I don't think we'll be doing that.”

“No well alright, I suppose you're far too smart for that,” noted Christian.

 

“Okay, so let me look into things a bit then. Don't let this distract you from what really matters, okay Seb?”

“Racing?” presumed Sebastian.

Christian laughed again and shook his head. “No Seb. Being happy. There are actually more important things in life than racing.”

Sebastian grinned. “Don't let Dr. Marko hear you say that.”

“No well, I can handle him,” asserted Christian, thinking that Helmut Marko might be something of a stumbling block over this whole matter, but he wasn't about to tell Sebastian that when he had enough concerns on his plate.

 

“So Mark's intending to talk to someone on his end?” checked Christian. “At Porsche I mean.”

“Yeah. He's going to,” related Sebastian.

“Good. Okay then. I guess we have a plan.”

Sebastian smiled at that.

Christian read something in his face. “What?”

“Nothing. It's just Mark said you'd come up with a strategy,” Seb revealed.

“Ah well. I suppose we've all got to be good at something,” conceded his boss.

 

Sebastian ran his hands through his hair feeling both relieved that he had discussed the matter and apprehensive of what was going to happen next.

“I guess I'll need to talk about this with Mark when I get home.”

“Yes,” agreed Christian. He looked over at Seb as he thought about what he had said. “Are you two living together again then?”

“Oh, umm, sort of I guess. I still have my house.” But he didn't exactly stay there all that often.

Sebastian noticed that Christian had said 'again'. He'd known that they had been living together on and off last year. No wonder Christian had thought that they were involved. Maybe they really had been in denial all that time?

 

Christian shook his head and gave Sebastian an ironic smile. “You know I remember a time when you two barely spoke.”

Seb shrugged. “Things change.”

“Don't they just,” agreed Christian wryly.

 

More than most people had any idea about, thought Christian. This might all be hypothetical for the time-being, but he had a feeling that not the just the world of F1, but the world beyond, was in for quite a shock.

 

 

 


	37. Risk Evaluation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, some family stuff's happened that I had to prioritise for a bit. 
> 
> Anyway, back to business...

 

 

Christian sat in a meeting in Salzburg involving only two other people: Dietrich Mateschitz and Helmut Marko. The limited number of participants was deliberate; if they were going to discuss this matter they wanted to involve as few people as possible in order to prevent it leaking out.

It was not a fun meeting, but then Christian reflected meetings with just the three of them rarely were; it usually meant something serious and hardly ever something good.

So far Christian had said his piece and Dietrich had mostly listened, only adding in the occasional note, now it was Helmut's turn to offer his opinion and having allowed him to go on for a while Christian was now having to do his very best not to interrupt as the team advisor made his lack of enthusiasm clear.

 

“I do not see why they would wish to do this. It will only mean trouble, for them, for us. We are a racing team, we are not here to promote a driver's personal agenda.”

Christian sighed and shook his head. “It's not about an agenda. Sebastian merely wanted to me to make some inquiries on his behalf.”

Helmut scoffed. “Inquiries?”

“Yes. And I don't think that is unreasonable. In fact I think it shows his respect for the team that he would do that,” insisted Christian.

 

Helmut looked unmoved as Dietrich continued to sip his coffee without intervening.

 

“They would be fools to do this and Sebastian would be a fool to undermine his position for no reason I can see,” expanded Helmut.

“No reason?”

“Yes. No reason. I do not care what they wish to do in private. It is of no concern to me.”

“But if they were open about it, then it would be your concern?” interrupted Christian.

“Yes of course. They would be making it so. They would be making it everyone's concern,” countered Helmut.

 

Christian had to concede that there was an extent to which that was true, but he still thought Dr. Marko was being unnecessarily obstructive.

“Fine. I realise that they would be exposing themselves and the team to a lot of unwanted attention,” he ceded, “but surely that would pass?”

Helmut huffed a dry laugh. “I think you are under-estimating the value of a scandal to the media.”

That annoyed Christian.

“A _scandal?_ Why should it be a scandal? They're not doing anything wrong. Perhaps _you_ are under-estimating the fact that we are living in the twenty-first century?”

Helmut shook his head.

“Not in F1.”

“Well perhaps it's time F1 caught up. I think it's ridiculous we're even having to have this conversation. It's ridiculous that Sebastian has to worry about this,” argued Christian. “It's ridiculous that they have to hide their relationship and it's ridiculous that you think that they should.”

 

Christian huffed out an annoyed breath. He knew he was close to ranting at Dr. Marko, but his frustration with his attitude was building. No wonder Sebastian and Mark had reservations about being open when attitudes like this predominated.

“It is not entirely ridiculous that we should consider the ramifications,” interceded Dietrich, breaking his silence to attempt to calm the atmosphere.

Christian puffed out another breath settling his temper.

“Fine. That is precisely why Sebastian came to me and asked to seek our opinion. They've not made any decision as far as I'm aware.”

“Good. Perhaps he is being more realistic than you are?” accused Helmut.

“Perhaps he is,” allowed Christian. “Perhaps I'm far too optimistic that the team Seb has been with for fifteen years might offer their support to him after he brought us four world titles.”

“You might say we gave _him_ those four world titles,” countered Dr. Marko.

Dietrich raised his hands to interject.

“Either way.”

“Either way,” continued Christian more calmly. “We have a long relationship with Sebastian, and Mark for that matter, and it has been a very successful relationship. I think we owe it to them to give the matter consideration.”

“Which is precisely what we are doing,” noted Dietrich.

“Very well. Then it is my considered opinion that the reaction of sponsors, of the press, of fans, would at best be a distraction, and at worst, prevent us from doing our job, which if you have forgotten, is winning races, not fighting for some kind of equal rights platform,” asserted Helmut.

 

Christian rolled his eyes. “That's not what Seb wants. I think he just wants to be able to open about who he wants to be there supporting him without having to lie to the world about it. Don't you think _that_ is more of a distraction?”

Helmut shrugged. “For him, possibly. I am thinking of the team.”

“Seb is a part of the team,” asserted Christian.

“For now. There are many drivers who would cause us less trouble that would happily fill his seat.”

Christian goggled at him. “You can't seriously be suggesting we drop him over this?”

 

He looked at Dietrich, appealing for his backing.

“If we sacked a driver because of his sexuality we could have the worst kind of discrimination lawsuit on our hands. Do you really want that kind of publicity?”

“He would not do that,” suggested Helmut.

“Maybe not. He's probably too decent a person,” bit Christian, feeling his temper rising.

“He probably would not want the publicity either,” noted Helmut. “He would only look bitter.”

Christian glared at him across the table.

 

“We are not dropping Sebastian. That is not a part of this discussion,” intervened Dietrich.

He looked at both of them firmly.

“Christian is correct. Sebastian has brought us a great deal of success over the past few years, as indeed has Mark. Between them it is not four world championships, but eight.”

Christian nodded in agreement, he'd missed out the fact that the driver pairing had been responsible for a further four world construction championships as well as Sebastian's four world driver championships.

“However,” continued Dietrich, “Helmut is also correct that this would garner a great deal of attention, much of it negative, which our sponsors would not like.”

“They could drop us like stones,” added Dr. Marko.

“Not if we handled this right,” insisted Christian.

“Maybe,” allowed Dietrich.

 

“I still don't see why it would be up to us to get involved,” added Helmut.

“We are involved whether we like it or not,” stated Dietrich. “Sebastian is our driver, Mark is still a part of RedBull. They have not made a decision as to what they wish to do, correct Christian?”

“Correct,” he affirmed. “Look as I said, it was just a conversation we were having about the _possibility_ of them wishing to go public. I don't think that either one them has any desire to become some kind of gay rights activist, they just want to know if they would have our backing if they chose to be honest.”

He looked over at Dr. Marko. “You think we should tell them they have to lie?”

“Not lie. Just not make an issue of it. Mark has been coming to races anyway. Why can things not just continue in that way and keep things simple?”

“I don't believe it is quite that simple for them,” noted Christian. “And that would be a case of us asking them to disguise their relationship.”

“I thought you said that they had not made a decision?” noted Helmut.

“They haven't as far as I know, but obviously our opinion would be important. Besides,” he paused a moment considering whether to reveal something. “I'm not so sure that this is something that we can just ignore and it will going to go away.”

 

He looked over at the other two who were clearly waiting for him to elaborate.

“Daniel already worked it out,” Christian revealed.

Helmut went to open his mouth but he held out a halting hand.

“I've spoken to him and he has no intention of spreading the information, but if he noticed, then he may not be the only one and you know what gossip is like in F1. I think it would be in our self-interest to get ahead of this.”

“And advise Sebastian that he should come out?” asked Helmut, sounding disbelieving.

“No I don't think it's our business to tell them what to do. I simply think that we should work out a plan.”

Christian focussed his attention on his boss.

“Even if they decide to attempt to keep things to themselves,” he glanced at Dr. Marko, knowing that was what he wanted, “there is the chance that matters could be taken out of their hands and we would be wise to be ready for that.”

“You think they could be outed?” wondered Dietrich.

“It's a possibility, surely, no matter how careful they are.”

“Well I haven't seen anything that made it obvious,” stated Helmut.

“Maybe not _obvious_...” allowed Christian, thinking that he could comment on Dr. Marko's lack of imagination, but he doubted the criticism would help his argument. “But they're going to be living their lives away from the track and I think it is pretty unrealistic to suppose that eventually people might not put two and two together.”

 

Seeing neither of them opposed that point, Christian continued, “so even if they attempt to keep things quiet, it might not be possible in the long run.”

“I take it they're saying this is a long-term thing then?” asked Dietrich.

“Well as far as anyone can in this world.”

Helmut looked suspicious. “This wasn't going on all along?”

Christian laughed. “No. I think that would have required some pretty impressive acting skills from the pair of them over the years. No this is a fairly recent matter, but I'm certain that they are serious about it and as I say, I don't think it is something that is going away and I don't think we can afford to ignore it.”

“Well we're not ignoring it are we?” argued Dr. Marko.

“No, fine, but my point is that whatever they chose to do we should be prepared for it; Maybe talk to our sponsors and lay some groundwork there.”

Christian glanced over at his boss before stating. “I appreciate that this is my personal opinion, but I think that Sebastian should have whoever he wants at races with him and I've no intention of telling Mark that he is not welcome.”

“I'm not saying Mark can't come to races,” insisted Dr. Marko.

“Just that they should make sure no one knows why he's there?”

Christian raised an eyebrow at Helmut. “I think that may be less straight-forward than you imagine.”

“You're convinced it's going to come out anyway?” queried Helmut.

“I think it is a distinct possibility. I think it would be far better for us to get ahead of this. Moreover, I think it would be the right thing to do to offer our support to both Sebastian and Mark. I think if we got behind this then it needn't be as negative as you seem to think. Perhaps if we actually did this right then it could be good for all of us.”

He looked over at Dietrich and offered him a wry smile.

“You'd certainly get more publicity than we've ever had before.”

 

Dietrich let out a dry huff. “That much is true.”

He glanced at each of them in turn, appraising their countering arguments.

“As you have pointed out Christian; Sebastian and indeed Mark, are entitled to do as they please, we have no right to interfere in their personal lives and if they so chose they could decide to ignore whatever we have to say; come out and damn the consequences.”

Christian made to speak but Dietrich carried on.

“I appreciate that by speaking to you it is clear that is not their intention. Indeed given their previous attitude to keeping their private lives private I would imagine they may wish to try keeping it that way, but as you say, and no doubt as they are equally well aware, the change in circumstances may mean that is not possible, certainly not in the long-term.”

He paused and drank his coffee for a moment, leaving the room in silence as they waited for him to continue.

 

“So Christian is right. We should have a plan. We should work out what our approach should be, we should speak to our sponsors. Sticking our head in the sand is no good.”

“And what is our approach?” question Helmut. “You must be aware of the risks...”

“I am well aware of the risks,” interjected Dietrich. “Yes it would be a risk. It would be a risk for Sebastian to his standing in F1. It would be a risk him being distracted, and for the team. It would be a risk to us losing sponsors, and a risk to the brand in areas of the world where homosexuality is not welcomed.”

 

Christian sat back in his chair feeling slightly defeated, he tried to think of a counter to that argument, but there was none; everything Dietrich had said was true.

Dietrich took another sip of his coffee.

“This entire company was built upon risk. Our whole philosophy for involvement in sport is based on taking risks, whether that is jumping out through the earth's atmosphere or down a ramp in the X-Games. Our entry into F1 was a risk. It paid off. And both Mark and Sebastian have been a large part of that success. RedBull doesn't just take risks, we embrace them. I think it's time we took a new risk.”

 

Dietrich looked out at Christian and Helmut. He saw Christian smile knowing that he had won the argument and Helmut looking distinctly unhappy.

“You disagree?” he asked.

“Sponsors...” tried Helmut.

“Are a minor part of funding for the team, but nevertheless we shall consult them,” explained Dietrich.

“I doubt that they would wish to publicly oppose the issue, although I grant you there is the possibility that they may not renew contracts. I'm sure that we could find replacements.”

“And the brand?” Helmut persisted.

“I don't think we will cease selling world-wide, but yes, we would have to work the PR pretty hard given how high-profile this would be. If we're going to have publicity on this then let's make it good publicity, as far as we can anyway.”

He regarded Christian.

“I suspect Sebastian and Mark may be rather less keen on pressing the issue than you seem to be Christian.”

 

Christian was about to disagree, but it was possible that his boss was right. He had been thinking that Mark and Sebastian's relationship coming out was unavoidable, perhaps he had persuaded himself that he was fighting their corner when they might prefer to keep it private for as long as they could. After all, any fall-out would hit them far harder than it would him or the team.

“Perhaps. But at least if I can tell them they have our support and then they are making a free choice as to what they decide to do?”

Dietrich nodded. “Yes you can do that. It would be best if we have some time to work things out in the background at least.”

“I'm sure that will be fine,” accepted Christian. “They may well want to try to avoid all the difficulties that I have no doubt will be the consequence of some antiquated attitudes that exist in the world,” he looked over at Helmut, “but at least this way we've covered ourselves.”

“Very well,” agreed Dietrich.

He glanced over. “Helmut?”

“Yes fine. But if all this goes wrong...”

 _I'm sure you'll be thrilled_ _that you were right_ _,_ thought Christian darkly.

“It is our job to ensure that it does not,” finished Dietrich, already thinking who in the company he could trust to work this matter behind the scenes. In truth he knew both Christian and Helmut had valid points, but the only way was to make the best of it; If you couldn't avoid something then turn it to your favour. It was an approach that had made him a billionaire.

 

 

Christian walked out of the meeting wondering when he should speak to Sebastian and what his approach should be. It wasn't his job to push him and Mark into coming out, however much he was of the opinion that their relationship was unlikely to stay private forever, but he did feel greatly relieved that Dietrich had backed him, even if it was largely out of self-interest. Helmut on the other hand was proving just as much as a problem as he'd feared. He didn't like to admit it, but if that was the attitude of someone who was supposed to be on their side it didn't bode terribly well for those who had no vested interest offering them any kind of support.

 

 

 

 

They were sat in Mark's lounge drinking coffee as Christian filled Mark and Sebastian in. He needed the caffeine after his long day. He'd been at the factory since six am to work in conjunction with the track team testing in Bahrain and then followed that up with the meeting, then more preparation for the following day before coming over.

 

“You didn't tell me Dietrich and Helmut were actually flying in to see you,” noted Sebastian.

“No, well I didn't want to distract you while you were working,” excused Christian.

 

In truth he hadn't wanted to worry Seb when he hadn't known what their reaction was going to be. Christian had deliberately scheduled the meeting to fall an hour after Sebastian had finished up for the day and gone home. If Dietrich had opposed him, Christian had planned to work on persuading him to change his mind over a longer period before telling Seb and Mark of their decision.

 

“Anyway, as I say, I would be exaggerating if I said that Helmut was particularly enthusiastic...”

Mark snorted a derisive laugh, he'd never expected anything different.

“... but it is Dietrich's opinion that carries the team, so that's the main thing.”

 

Seb nodded, he hadn't wanted to think too much about what the verdict was likely to be, but given Helmut's lack of support over the last year it was hardly surprising to hear that.

“Marko never liked me anyway, nothing changes,” noted Mark. He didn't sound bitter, years of Dr. Marko's attitude towards him had hardened him to expect very little.

Sebastian sent Mark a look and he shrugged, it was only the truth.

 

“Well don't worry about him, we know what he's like,” conciliated Christian. “You have Dietrich's backing and that's what counts.”

“Thank you,” offered Seb. “Really Christian we do appreciate it.”

Seb glanced back at Mark again.

“Yeah we do, of course. Thanks,” added Mark, knowing that Christian was going above and beyond in his duties on their behalf.

 

Christian nodded acknowledgement. He regarded the pair sat close together on the sofa and thought once again how clear it was behind the scenes that the two were a couple. It didn't even seem strange to him any more; Once upon a time he would never have believed it, but now it almost seemed as if the whole thing had been in some way predestined.

“Have you had chance to talk to Porsche yet Mark?” queried Christian.

“No, I plan to later this week when we're at Silverstone.”

“Right. I don't suppose you've any idea what their reaction is likely to be?”

Mark gave slight shrug.

“Not precisely.”

Mark casually placed a hand on Seb's knee to reassure him.

“But I don't think it should be too bad. Obviously we're nothing like as high profile as you guys, in motorsports terms at least.”

“Yes, okay. Well would it be out of bounds to ask that perhaps you could let me know?” wondered Christian.

“No, that's fine,” agreed Mark, he looked back over at Sebastian and was about to speak when he decided he ought to let Seb speak seeing as Christian was his boss.

Seb took the hint he read and piped up. “We still haven't made a call on this, I mean what we want to do.”

“Of course, no that's fine. We're just talking things through, there's no pressure, either way,” clarified Christian.

Seb nodded. “Okay, good. Well thank you.”

“I just wanted to update you as soon as possible so that you knew that you have our backing.”

“Some of your backing,” contradicted Mark dryly.

“Hmm, well don't worry about Helmut, he'll fall into line,” assured Christian, rather more confidently than he really felt.

“You think so?” questioned Sebastian.

Christian huffed a dry laugh.

“He'll have no choice. Never under-estimate Marko's instinct for self-preservation. If Dietrich has decided something, then it is decided.”

“Dietrich's always been a decent bloke,” noted Mark, thinking of the unstinting support Dietrich had given following his accident prior to the 2009 season. Mateschitz had fought his corner before, it was good to know that remained the case.

 

“Yes, well, as I say this isn't anything meant to force you into making a decision. We just want to lay a little groundwork to cover all eventualities,” explained Christian.

Mark smiled, thinking how Christian's strategic brain worked; hope for the best, plan for the worst, cover your bases, be prepared for anything.

“Okay Seb?” checked Christian, thinking he'd been a little quiet.

“Yeah,” answered Sebastian reflexively. He'd been lost in thinking things through. “Yeah, no that's good.”

He glanced at Mark again.

“I guess we'll wait and see what your team say and then have a think?”

“Yep,” agreed Mark.

“Great, okay well no rush, but if you could let me know?” Christian shifted his attention to Sebastian. “Or Seb? One of you anyway, and then maybe we can have another chat when you're ready?”

“Sure,” agreed Sebastian. “And in the meantime?”

“In the meantime nothing changes. Mark, you're welcome to come to whatever races you want. We could come up with a bit of PR stuff to keep you busy if you're willing?”

Mark smiled at Seb. He'd predicted as much.

“Sure. I guess you mean as cover?” he asked.

“Well, we're always glad of a bit of help around the place,” smiled Christian.

Mark nodded. “Yeah alright mate, no problem. I can do that.”

“Okay, well if that's everything for now, unless you've any questions?”

 

Sebastian looked at Mark and getting a passive shrug in response, answered for both of them.

“No I think that's fine for now. Thank you, really.”

“No problem.”

Christian set down his coffee mug.

“Okay, well I hope you won't think me rude if I push off now. We've got another early start tomorrow.”

 

 

They showed Christian out and as Sebastian shut the door behind him he leant against it and puffed out a long breath. Mark smiled and shrugged.

“Wasn't that bad was it?”

Seb allowed a smile.

“Guess not. Do you think that means Marko is being an arse?”

Mark laughed. “Yeah mate, I think we can take that as read.”

“Urgh, that bloody man. What the hell is his problem?”

“Too many to mention,” quipped Mark. “Let's not worry about him. Christian's right; Dietrich's the main thing.”

“Yeah, guess so.”

“Right, come on then.”

 

Mark indicated the lounge and they went to clear away their mugs. They went back into the kitchen to finish off the washing up they'd been doing when Christian had turned up. Once finished they sat down at the table.

“Want another drink?” offered Mark.

Sebastian shook his head. “No, early start remember.”

“Oh yeah, course.”

“I guess it's good he told us right away,” suggested Seb.

“True.”

“You're not worrying about Porsche?” queried Sebastian.

Mark let out a breath. “Hmm, not massively, but I don't really know what they'll say.”

 

Sebastian sat there for a moment before speaking up.

“Mark, I'm not pushing you into this am I?”

Mark shook his head. “Course not. We're just talking. No one's forcing anyone's hand here.”

“Okay.”

Seb still looked unsettled, so Mark leaned in and placed a hand on his arm.

“Christian's right you know, I might take the piss out of him always having a master plan, but he's right; it's no bad thing covering our bases a bit. This way we have a free choice.”

“Okay, that does make sense.”

“Don't be worrying, alright?”

“Yeah, I guess it is good that they're willing to back us up and stuff.”

“Of course it is.”

“And I know this doesn't mean we have decide anything.”

“Exactly.”

“So that's a relief.”

 

Mark almost laughed, Sebastian didn't sound terribly relieved.

“But?” He looked more carefully at Seb.

Sebastian squished his face up and shrugged.

“You're still worrying,” intuited Mark.

Seb shrugged again. “I know it's stupid. I know we don't have to make any decisions right away...”

“But?” lead Mark.

“But, I dunno, I guess it feels like Christian's assuming we will go ahead.”

“Well it's not up to him,” insisted Mark.

“No, I know, it just feels like pressure. I know Christian means well, he's being great really, but...”

Sebastian sighed. “I just can't help thinking about it all. I feels like it's spinning around in my head the whole time and I can't stop it.

“Well that's no good,” sympathised Mark.

“My mind just seems to slip into it all the time,” confessed Seb.

Mark frowned at him, so he explained. “Not when it's properly occupied, when I'm working or we're doing something or whatever, but it sort of sneaks up on me.”

Mark nodded.

 

“Is it the same for you?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark puffed a breath. “Well have been thinking on it, obviously, but not all the time.” he looked carefully at Seb. “Do you want to talk about it some more?”

Seb gave him a little smile. “To be honest it seems like we spend half our time talking about it these days.”

Mark returned his smile. “Maybe we're getting boring?”

“No, I just, I don't know. It'd be nice not to have to think about it all the time. I think maybe I'm just tying myself up in knots, not getting anywhere.”

Mark nodded at him considering. “Okay, well...” he paused, “look, we can talk about this all you like, or not if it's driving you a bit mad.”

Seb gave him a half shrug.

“Would it help to talk to someone else? I don't know, your dad maybe?”

“Maybe.” allowed Sebastian.

“Or someone else?”

 

Sebastian couldn't think of anyone else he really could discuss this with.

Getting no response, Mark suggested something that surprised even himself a little.

“What about Henry?”

 

Sebastian stared at him in shock.

“I thought you couldn't stand him?”

“Well it's not about me. Besides, I dunno, maybe I was too harsh on him. I was pretty furious at the time, but maybe, I don't know...” he left off not quite knowing how to express it.

“I was angry with him, but I didn't exactly do the right thing either there calling him up.”

Seb shook his head. “No, it was it was nice that you stuck up for me.”

“Yeah but I don't know mate, it wasn't like he could say much in his defence. Thinking about it, he did actually do the right thing in not saying anything about you.”

“I guess.”

“I dunno, it's not my call, obviously he screwed up big time, but..” he shrugged. “We all make mistakes.”

 

Seb sat back a little thinking it over. Dr. Menton had always worked to help him. The session had gone horribly, but maybe it hadn't been entirely Henry's fault.

“I think maybe he did mean well,” allowed Sebastian.

“Mmm, yeah, it's not for me to say, but maybe, I don't know, maybe it might help just to give him a call. If all this is doing your head in a bit?”

Seb nodded.

“Just an idea,” offered Mark.

“Yeah, okay. I'll have a think about it,” agreed Sebastian. “Maybe I should give him a second chance. I mean he did send me that message apologising and I never replied which is pretty rude.”

Mark shrugged, he didn't care quite so much about Dr. Menton's feelings when he'd upset Seb, but if there was a chance he could help now he was willing to admit he might have gone too far back then.

“You think he'd still see me?” wondered Seb.

“I'm sure he would.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Only if you want to. If you want to give him another chance.”

Mark gave Seb a smile. “Obviously if he comes anywhere close to screwing up again and upsetting you, I'll break his legs.”

Seb rolled his eyes knowing that Mark was joking to cheer him up. He smiled back and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek to thank him for being prepared to think of anything that might help him. He knew Mark was putting his feelings towards his therapist to one side for his sake. He was putting Sebastian first again, like he always did. Maybe if he did go to see Henry again he could finally make him understand just how amazing Mark was.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat nursing a mug of tea in Dr. Menton's office feeling awkward. It seemed a lot longer than the six weeks that had elapsed since he had last been there.

“Thank you for seeing me,” started Seb.

“No problem,” offered Dr. Menton. “As I said on the phone, my door is always open, I'm glad you got in touch. If nothing else it gives me the chance to apologise in person for what happened.”

“I should have replied to your message.”

“That's okay.”

Sebastian shook his head. “No it's not, I should at least have said something back.”

Dr. Menton opened out his hands, “I appreciate that you've been very busy with the start of your new season.”

“Yeah but that's not why. I guess I didn't really want to think about it,” Seb explained.

Henry nodded. “That's understandable.”

“Hmm, but it wasn't very fair to leave you hanging while you might have been worrying about me?”

He looked up at Dr. Menton wondering if that had been the case.

“Well I was concerned, but then at least I know you're in good hands.” He raised an eyebrow at Seb. “If nothing else at least I know how protective Mark is of you.”

Sebastian gave a small smile. “Yeah, umm he asked me to apologise, maybe not so much for being angry with you, but he said to say he knows it's right you didn't say anything and, well, he lost his temper.”

Henry nodded. “Entirely understandable in the circumstances I think, but for the record Sebastian I would never reveal anything that went on in here to anyone.”

Seb nodded.

“But I apologise again for mishandling things and I should never have let you leave in that state, Mark was right, that was a failure of duty on my part.”

“I didn't give you much choice,” allowed Sebastian, remembering how he had fled last time.

“Well... The whole session was a mess. It is never my intention to upset you Sebastian. It was obviously a very emotive subject.”

“Maybe it says more about my insecurities?”

 

Dr. Menton laced his fingers together and considered what to say.

“I think Sebastian, part of the problem was that of course I only have half the story in terms of your relationship with Mark. In that respect it was perhaps instructive to hear what Mark had to say. He obviously feels very strongly about you, and it was wrong of me to suggest otherwise. However, I have to say, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not sure I've had the full story from you either.”

He looked over at Seb who turned his attention to his drink.

“Is that fair would you say?” he pressed.

Sebastian sighed and looked back up at Henry.

“Maybe,” he admitted.

Dr. Menton nodded. He'd thought as much.

“Sebastian, if this is going to work, if I'm going to help you, half the picture won't work. That's when I'm likely to go wrong. If you put up a front with me, if you can't be entirely honest, then I'm not going to understand what is going on. Does that make sense?”

Seb nodded reluctantly.

“I do want to help Sebastian, and I appreciate that this is not easy, but that has to be the deal. Okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb.

“I'm not accusing you of lying, but would it be fair to suggest that you haven't given me the full story?”

 

Seb puffed out a long breath. Maybe that was true. Maybe he had been putting up a front on some issues, even to his therapist.

“I guess, I mean not _entirely_...”

“No of course, I know you have shared an awful lot,” allowed Dr. Menton. “But perhaps with regard to Mark particularly, it is possible you may have left some things out that it would be helpful for me to know?”

“Maybe.”

“It would be understandable that you would want to protect your relationship in a sense.”

Seb opened his mouth and then stopped, unsure what to say.

Henry held up his hand. “By which I don't mean I have any intention of undermining your relationship with Mark.”

“Yeah, okay, I mean to be honest I really wanted to talk to you about us thinking about coming out,” explained Sebastian.

“Yes, okay, well that's fine, we can do that, but if I'm going to help I need to understand properly where you're coming from.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Henry nodded his head slowly. “Right. Why don't we go back a bit?”

“How far?”

Henry gave a tip of his head. “That's up to you. All the way back if you want. Where does this begin?”

Sebastian gave a small laugh. “We'll be here all day.”

“That's fine. I've no one else coming in. When did you first meet?”

The full story then. Seb took a deep breath and began.

 

The whole way, the whole story; How he'd admired and been intimidated by Mark in equal measure, how he'd tried to impress him and only succeeded in alienating him, how he'd been hurt by the rejection and isolation he'd felt and reacted by taking everything he could for himself in the team, how his success on track had been the only good part of his life while everything else went to hell and how desperation had finally driven him to the point where the truth finally emerged and Mark had shown his true colours by forgetting everything that had gone between them and offering him help and proving himself to be the one person he could trust.

Sebastian explained how everything had changed when he confessed his miserable situation to Mark and how when he had gone to his house to throw himself on his mercy it had been because he known instinctively that Mark wouldn't let him down. He told Henry how desperately he'd needed comfort and the terrible position he'd put Mark in.

 

“And _this_ was when he told you that he only wanted to be friends?” queried Dr. Menton.

“Yes. I didn't realise there was more to it even then.”

Henry raised his eyebrows. “So he's told you that he had feelings for you that far back?”

“Well, yeah, sort of. I mean he says it was the first time he knew there was something, but it was so mixed up and I was in a really terrible place back then.”

“Yes, well I have to agree that would not have been a great idea,” concurred Henry.

“Yeah I know, I guess I didn't at the time, but he didn't really know what he felt and looking back it would have been a really bad idea.”

 

Henry nodded thinking of what Mark had said to him on the phone about waiting for Sebastian to be in the right place before anything happened and how hard that had been.

“Mark was putting your needs before his own,” he stated.

“Yeah. He always does. I told you he's an incredible person.”

“It certainly would have been all too easy for someone to have taken advantage in that situation,” noted Henry.

“Mark would never have done that,” stated Sebastian without hesitation.

“No. And beyond that, how did things develop?”

Seb gave an ironic smile. “We actually became friends. He's still my friend. My best friend. It's just we didn't realise that as time went on we both wanted more. We were both too worried that we could lose that.”

“It sounds as though that was a very good thing, hard as it may have been at the time.”

“It was, although I know now it was right that we waited, but,” Seb huffed a little laugh, “Maybe we needn't have waited _quite_ so long.”

“Well who knows Sebastian. Perhaps you waited exactly the right amount of time?”

Seb shrugged. “Maybe. I guess we didn't see how close we really were given that plenty of people seem to have thought we've been together a lot longer.”

“Myself included at some stages,” remarked Henry. “When you say close, perhaps you could elaborate?”

 

Sebastian took a sip of his now half-cold tea and carried on filling in Dr. Menton with the way in which Mark had picked up him and put him back together, how easily they had slotted into one another's lives and how much they had in common, how completely he trusted Mark and how his faith had been repaid every time and how unquestioningly Mark had supported him through some very dark times.

“I'd never have made it without him,” insisted Seb.

“Well I wouldn't go that far,” countered Henry.

“I would,” defied Sebastian.

Henry knew he would lose any argument that involved taking anything away from Mark, so he changed direction.

“You were physically close as well, even back then?” he questioned, already fairly certain.

“I guess we didn't realise how much.” Seb gave a half shrug. “Yeah.”

 

He went on to give some examples of how rapidly they had fallen together in that way and how much he had needed it. Looking back it was clear how far beyond friendship they had strayed with hand holding, hugs, and all the times Mark had held onto him when he'd been in danger of falling, how effortlessly personal space had been eroded as Mark became the safest and happiest place in the world to him.

Sebastian ruffled his hand through his hair.

“I know that makes me sound totally dependant on him and there were times I could never have got through on my own, but it's not quite like that,” explained Seb.

“You mean it wasn't all one-sided?”

“Yeah. As time went on at least anyway.”

“Mark's told you that he wanted that physical closeness as well?”

Seb nodded. 'Longed for' was more accurate in Mark's words, but it was hard to express that when he was talking about himself.

“And at some point this reached a tipping point?” wondered Henry.

“Umm, yeah I guess you could say that.”

 

Sebastian explained to his therapist what had happened at Christmas. When he told him about the collapsed camp bed and the night that they had spent together Henry had to try quite hard not to laugh.

“Yes, I have to say that could be considered a fairly direct hint,” he smiled.

“I guess we needed a push.” Sebastian shrugged. “Maybe fate gave us that one?”

Henry opened out a hand. “I happen to believe we make our own fates. I think that's a rather more comforting option.”

Sebastian furrowed his brow. “Well I didn't break the bed on purpose.”

Henry allowed himself a little laugh. “No Seb, but Mark chose to invite you to share the bed and you chose to stay with him. I don't think that was accidental. Do you?”

“Well no.”

“And in retrospect can you tell me why you made that choice?”

“Well it was the middle of the night and I was half-asleep, but yeah I guess I did know what I was doing. I guess we both did really.”

“And?”

“And I knew I was safe with Mark, I mean it was a little bit awkward at first, but when he held on to me, it was the best feeling in the world.”

Sebastian swallowed hard, he almost felt like crying, that night had meant even more than he had realised. It had told him all he needed to know, maybe that was when he had finally understood that Mark wanted him too. When he had held him in against him like that, held him tight all night long, he'd known not just that he was safe and protected, but that it meant so much more than that.

 

He looked over at Dr. Menton and remembered how he'd agreed to tell all.

“I was a tiny bit afraid to start with, being so close with him and everything, and I thought for a minute that I might freak out.”

“But you didn't?”

Seb shook his head. “No.” He shrugged. “How could I when it was Mark? It wasn't like we hadn't been close before.”

“But not like that?”

“No.”

Henry nodded.

“I knew I was safe, but it wasn't just that. I knew he loved me.”

Sebastian took in a breath, surprising himself with what he'd just said. He blinked and looked over at Dr. Menton.

“I don't think I realised until just now. That's what it was. I knew he loved me.”

 

He closed his eyes a moment and felt a wonderful warmth spread inside him. He'd _known_ , somewhere deep in his bones that Mark loved him. In many ways it hadn't been New Year, but Christmas that they had come together.

“And that was what gave you the confidence to kiss him a few days later,” suggested Henry.

Sebastian smiled. “Yeah I guess it was. Subconsciously anyway, maybe it was less of a risk than I realised.”

Henry nodded. “So then, are you prepared to talk about how things progressed from there?”

Seb had a drink of his now entirely cold tea and braved telling all. How confusingly insistent and simultaneously terrified he had felt, how incredible and shocking the experience had been and how helpless he had been to prevent his reaction overflowing. He told Henry how every new experience with Mark had required bravery he'd not thought himself capable of and how patient and kind and loving Mark had been throughout.

 

“I did tell you he's perfect,” reminded Sebastian. “I know you think we rushed things, but I honestly think if we'd waited I'd have just built it up into such a big thing we'd never have got past it.”

“You may be right. If I'm honest Sebastian, I have to say I'm amazed you handled it as well as you have. I'm not surprised you had such a strong emotional response initially, there's nothing to be ashamed of about that. And knowing you as I do, I suppose I shouldn't be all that surprised at the way you refused to let that put you off.”

“It was Mark,” asserted Sebastian.

“It was both of you,” contradicted Henry. “You're very stubborn,” he smiled.

“Maybe we both are. He wouldn't give up on me. He wasn't put off either.”

“And things have got better?” asked Dr. Menton.

“Yeah. Not just sex, but everything really, everything's better. It's like we've always been together in some ways; it just feels right. And yeah, it was scary at first, every new thing has been scary.”

“But that hasn't stopped you?”

“I guess not. I mean each time it got easier and less scary.”

“Because your trust is repaid.”

“Yeah. I guess it must sound pretty bad to say sex was scary when I already knew he loved me.”

“No Seb, not at all. In the circumstances I think you've coped remarkably well. I would have expected far more problems for you if I'm honest. But then from your description you already shared a level of physical intimacy and trust beyond what might be considered normal in a friendship, which I imagine must have helped.”

 

Sebastian nodded knowing how true that was.

“I still might have thought it would have taken longer for you to move on, given your past, but perhaps that would be to under-estimate your determination generally. And yes, Mark's, because patience is in its own way, a form of determination.”

“He's incredibly understanding and he, I don't know, it's like he did everything he could to make things easier, so I never once felt any pressure.”

“He put you in control?” proposed Dr. Menton.

Seb paused. “I suppose so. He's always put me first, always made everything okay.”

“It makes sense that you trust him when he makes you feel that level of security.”

“Mmm, yeah, but I don't think it's just that any more. We're past that. It's not just that he makes me feel safe, but...” he stopped as he thought about it.

“But?”

“He does always put me first. He does take care of me.”

Sebastian frowned. “Do you think I'm just as bad as I always was?”

“Not _bad_ Sebastian,” corrected Henry.

“But it's all about me. Not him. How does he do that?”

“Because he cares about you.”

Sebastian felt a weight settle on him. “I should do more for him. It can't be all about me. Do you think I'm selfish?”

“I wouldn't put it that way.”

“But I am needy. He says I'm not, but I am. I do need him. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't even want to think about it.”

 

Dr. Menton heard the inflection rising in Sebastian's voice, he knew he had to be wary of Seb's tendency to let things get away from him.

“No, Seb that's not what I mean. You've been through a lot and it is no surprise that you've needed to take things slowly in some ways, nor that you need reassurance and support. There's nothing wrong with that.”

Sebastian took a breath in. “You're sure?”

“Does Mark seem unhappy?”

“Well. No.”

“So?” Henry looked back at him.

“We did talk about that a bit, but that was a long time ago. Maybe he's getting tired of me taking so much and not giving much back?”

“Perhaps it would help to ask?” suggested Henry. “I think you might be under-estimating yourself, but if you're concerned then you should ask Mark. I can't answer for him.”

 

Seb frowned but nodded agreement.

Seeing the concern plain on his face, Dr. Menton continued.

“It's entirely normal that roles within a relationship should develop over time Sebastian. It's not something that has to happen overnight.”

“But if we're not equal?”

Henry rubbed at his beard.

“Equal doesn't have to mean the same.”

Seb huffed a little. “I think it does.”

“Very well,” granted Henry. “What I mean is; I agree that it is important that you find a balance in your relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to be exactly the same. You just have to both be happy with the way things are. Has it occurred to you that Mark might _like_ taking care of you?”

Sebastian looked at him. “Is that bad?”

“Not if you're both happy. It doesn't mean that's how it will always be. If you're both prepared to accept changes as things progress.”

“Okay,” accepted Seb.

“Yes?”

“Yes. I'll try to talk to Mark about it,” promised Sebastian.

“Good. Okay then. Look why don't I make us some fresh tea and then if you want to we can have a chat about what you came here for?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian passed over his mug and tried to reset his mind to another category of worries.

 

 

By the time he left, Seb didn't think he'd actually got any closer to an answer as to what they ought to do about going public with their relationship, but he did realise that part of what had been bothering him was his fear that he was asking too much of Mark. If they could resolve that, maybe the rest wouldn't seem as hard to reconcile.

 

 

 

 

 

When he returned home Sebastian had some time to wait before Mark got back. He found himself wishing that Mark would hurry up so that he could talk to him, but then he stopped, realising that he was doing it again; he was thinking about himself and how he needed Mark to help him. That wasn't good enough, he couldn't keep on doing that all the time. He pulled himself up off the sofa and went into the kitchen.

 

He fed the dogs and crouched down by them giving them a little pet as they ate.

“I've got to try harder boys, hmm?”

Seb looked at them and laughed as he realised he was doing just what he teased Mark about: talking to the dogs as if they could give him an answer. He shook his head, it might be silly, but it did seem as though they understood in a way. They always responded with affection and read his mood. They were such a comfort.

He gave them a last little rub and left the dogs to their food before getting up to sort out some food for himself and Mark. He could at least do that for him.

 

 

  
“Dinner?”

Mark leant in and gave him a kiss on the cheek as Sebastian checked on the vegetables.

“Chicken alright?” checked Seb.

“Great. Thanks.”

Mark took a seat at the table and let out a long breath as he relaxed.

“You not even going to look to see if it's burning?” joked Sebastian.

Mark smiled and shook his head. “You know I only tease you about that to wind you up mate. You hardly ever set fire to stuff these days.”

Sebastian left off fussing over the food and joined Mark at the table.

“I know.”

Mark gave him a friendly little pat on the arm.

“Do you want a cup of tea or something?” asked Seb.

Mark looked at him. “Why do I get the impression you're building up to something?”

Seb shrugged. “Well I just, I think I should do more.”

“Do more?” frowned Mark.

Sebastian scrunched up his face a bit. “I take so much from you. I should try harder,” he offered.

Mark frowned even more. “Is this Henry talking?”

“No,” insisted Sebastian.

“You sure?” Mark looked carefully at him. “How did it go?”

“It was okay.”

“Yeah?”

Seb nodded. “Yeah it was alright. It just made me think a bit, that's all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Mark.

Sebastian remembered what he had been thinking about and stopped himself from automatically focussing on his own concerns.

 

“Why don't you tell me how it went today?” tried Seb.

Mark looked at him, wondering whether he ought to press it, or whether Seb didn't want to go into things just now.

“Do you mean with the car, or talking to the team?”

“Either. Both.”

Mark gave him a smile. “Not too bad, on either front. The car looks good.”

“And the team? Did you get chance to talk to them?”

“Yeah I spoke to Andreas. That's why I'm late,” explained Mark.

Seb looked at him expectantly.

“And he was alright?”

Mark puffed out a breath. “Yeah, he was alright. I mean I can't say he was thrilled at the prospect, but his main concern was that I shouldn't lose focus.”

“For racing?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Mark.

“And the rest of it?” worried Seb.

“He'll look into it after the weekend, but it's not as if it's going to come to them as a massive shock that I'm gay,” Mark explained.

“Well yeah.”

 

Mark had told him that he'd been open with them when he'd signed for Porsche, but told them that they needn't concern themselves on the matter as he intended to keep things private.

 

“But this is different isn't it?” continue Seb.

“Yeah it is, and I think he'd rather not have to deal with it. Given the choice I know he'd prefer to only have to think about racing,” noted Mark.

“Is that how you feel too?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark sat back and looked at him, thinking a moment before he spoke.

“If I'm entirely honest, yeah,” confessed Mark.

Sebastian looked down.

“I am pushing you into all this.”

Mark leaned back over.

“No. I don't mean that. I just wish we didn't have to have all this fuss.”

He moved to turn more so he could capture Seb's attention.

“That doesn't mean you're the one pushing this. I just wish it wasn't so complicated.”

 

“Yeah but if you weren't coming along to races to support me, maybe we wouldn't have to do this,” asserted Seb.

Mark frowned at him. “You're coming to races with me too.”

“Well yeah.”

“You still want to come don't you?” Mark checked.

“Of course. Unless you don't want me to. I don't want to be distracting you if you'll be worrying what people think about me being there.”

Mark shook his head. “No. I want you there.”

“I'm not being, I don't know,” Seb shrugged. “I don't want to think it's just because I want to go to be with you?”

 

Mark sighed. “What's he been saying to make you think this way?”

“Nothing. I just worry that I'm thinking of myself all the time and not you,” explained Sebastian.

“No Seb, don't think that alright. You're coming to support me aren't you?” countered Mark.

“Of course I am,” insisted Seb.

Mark huffed a dry little laugh. “So where's the problem? I want you to come with me, you want to come with me.”

“Right.”

“And it's the same for me coming to races with you.”

 

Mark placed his hand over Seb's.

“We support each other. Isn't that how this is meant to work?”

Sebastian felt the warmth of Mark's hand. He moved his own around so that he could hold it.

“Yeah.”

“So don't be tying yourselves up in knots worrying about it alright?” pushed Mark.

“Okay. I just don't want to be only taking from you all the time.”

“You're not.”

 

Mark shook his head wondering if he'd done the right thing in suggesting Sebastian went back to his therapist if he came back agonising about everything.

He rubbed his thumb back and forth slowly over the back of Sebastian's hand in his.

“You don't just take. You give plenty. Don't let Henry make you think that way.”

Seb shook his head a little.

“It wasn't him. It's, well, I think maybe I've been worrying about that. Maybe that's part of what I've been worrying about with coming out; That you'd do it just for me.”

“Seb, it wouldn't be just for you.”

“No?”

“No.”

“But if you weren't coming to races with me,” started Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “You're coming to races with me too.”

“But it's a bigger deal coming with me. I know that sounds awful, like I'm more important.”

“No. That's just how it is. F1 _is_ a bigger deal. That's hardly your fault mate,” assured Mark. “You coming to races to support me makes me happy Seb, and that you want to come, that's not being selfish, that's great.”

 

Seb nodded. “Okay. Good. I could come to more if you want? Not just this weekend and Le Mans. I've looked at the calendar, I could come to all of them until the autumn when things get too busy. If you'd like that?”

“I'd love that,” stated Mark firmly.

“Okay, great. And it won't be too much me being there all the time?”

“No you daft thing,” teased Mark. “It's what I want. It's just shit that we have to make a pretty lose-lose call on what we do.”

 

Seb nodded. He knew what Mark meant; If they kept their relationship secret they would have to suffer the strain of hiding it by subsuming their feelings in public and restraining their instincts to show affection. Alternatively if they chose to come out they would have to undergo the ordeal of the world passing judgement on them and trying to turn their lives inside out. It wasn't right, but it was how things were.

 

“Yeah okay,” acknowledged Sebastian. “Right, well I do feel a bit better about things.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean it's good if the teams seem okay, pretty much anyway, and even if it's a bit rubbish that we can't just be ourselves at races, at least we'll be there. We still don't have to decide right away do we?”

“Of course not,” agreed Mark. “We're probably both worrying more about this than we need to. It's not like there's going to be hordes of media at Silverstone this weekend anyway.” He smiled at Seb. “It's pretty different to when F1's there. Might be a bit of a change to you mate.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It's not like there's no one, but it's a contrast. Endurance is a different ball-game Seb. I hope you won't get bored this weekend.”

“Bored?”

Sebastian couldn't imagine ever being bored around Mark.

“I won't be bored. I can't wait. You're still going to show me round and stuff aren't you? I mean when you're not too busy.”

“Of course,” affirmed Mark. “And Jenson will be there too so you can always have a catch up with him.”

“I keep forgetting that. No that'll be nice.”

Mark laughed. “If any one is looking, that might actually give us a little cover too.”

“Hmm?”

“That you're not just visiting me,” clarified Mark.

“Oh, well I am, but yeah I guess people don't have to know that.”

“Just as long as I can manage not to jump you every time I see you,” teased Mark.

Sebastian laughed. “Idiot.”

 

He gave Mark a little push with his shoulder, feeling a lot better about things. He pulled away and got up to fetch dinner out of the oven.

Mark smiled as he looked over.

“See, not even a little bit on fire mate. No worries.”

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian accompanied Mark to the track on the Saturday. He was struck by the different atmosphere that there was in comparison to the grand prix weekends he'd experienced at Silverstone. Everything seemed far more relaxed. The weather was appalling, but there were still plenty of people there. Not as many as for F1, but still a healthy number. Seb thought that they must be pretty committed fans to brave the rain and cold. The wind at Silverstone could cut through you even in July, in April it was brutal.

Seb pulled his hood up as they walked into the paddock early in the morning, not so much to hide, but merely to protect himself from being battered about by the terrible conditions. Mark smiled over at him thinking how adorable Seb looked all wrapped up like that. He wanted to take his hand and huddle together a little as they went along, but that just wasn't possible. It was barely seven am and only recently light, but the paddock was already well populated by fans looking about and teams busily setting up. Thankfully there was enough going on that they could slip in to the Porsche base without people giving too much attention to the fact that they were arriving together.

 

As they entered Mark's room Seb sat down as Mark sorted out his things.

“So the paddock's open to anyone then?” noted Sebastian.

“Hmm? Yeah. There's much better access for fans.”

“I think it's nice,” remarked Seb. “Maybe F1 should do more of that?”

Mark laughed. “We wouldn't be able to move. Besides, can you see them giving up the chance to charge people an arm and a leg for the privilege?”

Seb smiled. “Guess not.”

Mark finished what he was doing and turned to him.

“So do you want to come and have a poke about the place before I really have to get stuck in?” offered Mark.

“Yep, great.”

Sebastian bounced up and they set off to the garage so Mark could show him around before he had to prepare for practice.

 

 

They walked into the garage and Seb observed the familiar sight of a team rushing about getting ready for a day's running. Mark showed him around and introduced him to some of them. Sebastian didn't want to seem big-headed assuming that they would necessarily already know who he was, even if that was doubtless the case. Thankfully they didn't seem surprised that he was there as Mark had already let it be known that he would be visiting.

Mark's team principal came over to say hello and fill Mark in on a few things for the day. When he shook Sebastian's hand, Seb wondered if the look he gave him was truly welcoming, but he knew he was probably just being paranoid. He promised that he wouldn't be getting in the way and Andreas simply repeated that he was welcome. Sebastian reflected that at least Mark's boss knew that he would know how to behave in a garage and resolved to make sure he stayed stood quietly at the back with his headphones on being no trouble to anyone.

 

“Hello mate, fancy seeing you here!”

A hand slapped down on Seb's shoulder making him jump and turn to see the grinning face of Jenson Button.

“Oh hi Jense,” he replied, trying not to sound alarmed.

Mark resisted the urge to put a protective arm around Sebastian as he also turned to face his colleague.

“I told you he was coming today,” Mark reminded Jenson.

“Yeah I know,” smiled Jenson. “I'm very honoured you've come to see me.”

Sebastian laughed and relaxed. “Well I couldn't miss your WEC début could I?”

“Certainly not,” concurred Jenson.

 

Mark could see the engineers gathering.

“I think they want to make a start,” he pointed out to Jenson.

“Oh, I guess I'd better clear off then?” suggested Sebastian.

“You can stay if you want?” offered Mark.

“Nah, it's fine I'll go get a coffee, wake myself up.”

“Right, well, come back in an hour yeah? We'll get you set up to follow FP3.”

Sebastian nodded and made to leave.

“Oh see you later Jense.”

“Sure. Maybe we can have a catch up later on?” suggested Jenson.

Sebastian found himself glancing at Mark before agreeing.

“Absolutely. That'd be good.”

 

Jenson watched as Sebastian walked out of the garage thinking how strange it was that Mark and Seb had ended up friends after all. He reflected that team-mates in Endurance racing meant something rather different to that in Formula One. Here you really were in it together, not fighting one another. It was better in many ways.

Mark noticed his stare.

“All set for today then?” he distracted.

“Yeah. Good,” answered Jenson, turning his mind back to the task in hand.

 

 

 

The morning went smoothly enough. In-between free practice and qualifying there was enough time for Mark to sit with Seb in hospitality for a coffee which Jenson joined them for. Seb felt a little guilty that he wished Jenson would leave them to it so he could spend some time alone with Mark, but there was no way he could give him any kind of hint on that, so he politely asked Jenson how he was adapting to the different category while Jenson in turn pushed Seb in turn to tell him all about how things were going in F1, leaving Sebastian with the impression that Jenson missed it rather more than Mark did.

Mark seemed happy enough listening to the two of them talk and after a while he excused himself to get a bit of time to himself in his room before the qualifying session. He caught Seb's eye and tried to impart in it the message that he wasn't abandoning him and that he should follow when he got chance.

Sebastian sat there while Jenson ran on, trying to think of an excuse to leave. Drawing a blank he stayed trapped until Jenson finally said that he ought to go to his own room for a bit to regroup before things got busy again and Seb could finally make his way to join Mark.

 

As he walked in Mark shook his head.

“You took you time.”

Sebastian sat down beside him.

“What was I meant to say to him? Sorry Jense but I'd like a bit of time on my own with my boyfriend?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh. “Yeah, alright fair enough.”

“You all set for quali?” checked Seb.

“Yeah all good. The car felt pretty solid this morning. But this weather...”

Mark left off and shrugged. The vagueries of the climate at Silverstone were well known to both of them and Sebastian was only too aware it made qualifying something of a crapshoot.

 

Seb leant up against Mark as they sat.

“You've just got to do whatever you can I guess. The rain's not quite so bad now.”

Mark turned into him and gave him a wry look.

“Which could change five times between now and when I leave the garage.”

Seb gave a little shrug. “You'll do great.”

Mark smiled at him grateful for the unconditional support.

“Thanks, I'm glad you'll be watching.”

“Hmm, I'm pretty sure I saw the camera homing in on me in there this morning,” Seb reported.

“Were you wearing your 'I'm Mark Webber's Boyfriend' t-shirt again?” Mark teased.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and elbowed him. “Numpty.”

Mark laughed. _“Numpty?_ You've been spending too much time with the mechanics mate.”

 

He looked at his watch. “Right, time to go. You going to walk over with me?”

Sebastian stood up.

“Course. I don't think that's too obvious seeing as I'm meant to be visiting you anyway.”

Mark stood up and walked over to the door before Seb stopped him, placing a hand on his arm.

“What?” asked Mark.

“This.”

Sebastian put his arms around Mark's neck and gave him a firm kiss on the lips.

As they separated Mark smiled.

“Yeah that bit would be a little _too_ obvious before I get in the car. Was that for luck?”

Seb smiled back. “Well that was just because I had the opportunity really, but yeah.” He stole another quick kiss. “That's for luck.”

“Any reason's fine by me.”

 

They headed on out and Sebastian took up his place lurking unobtrusively at the back of the garage, giving Jenson a friendly wave and trying not to focus his attention too obviously on Mark.

 

 

An hour later Mark climbed out the car with a heavy heart. Just as he'd feared, qualifying had been hit by intermittent squally showers and despite his and his team-mate's best efforts they'd been unable to reach higher than seventh. He shot Seb a look and got a small shrug and sympathetic look in reply. He wished more than anything that he could go over and get the hug he needed right now from Sebastian, but there was no way that they could do that without giving far too much away. He didn't think he could even talk to Seb in this moment without it becoming entirely clear how things were between them. It would have to wait. For now Mark consoled himself knowing Sebastian was at least there for him. He gave him one last look before going over to talk to the engineers, hoping that Seb wouldn't be offended that he was having to essentially ignore him for now.

 

 

 

By the time Mark was done following up qualifying he realised that Sebastian had disappeared from the garage. He didn't blame him, it was hardly fascinating watching people stand around taking and comparing data on screens. He headed back to his room and wasn't surprised to find Seb waiting for him there.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Mark sounded doleful. He slumped down to sit by Sebastian who slid an arm around him to give him a hug.

“Seventh isn't so bad,” offered Seb.

Mark gave a derisive laugh. “Out of eight? It's not stellar is it?”

Seb had no answer to that, so he just squeezed Mark a little tighter and placed his head against his shoulder. After a few moments he lifted back to look at him.

 

“It was the weather, you couldn't get a clear run,” he suggested.

Mark puffed a breath and shook his head. “We all had the same conditions.”

“It just got mistimed,” tried Seb.

“Hmm, maybe. Makes no odds now.”

Sebastian gave a little shrug. “I looked at the weather for tomorrow,” he indicated his phone. “Probably going to be the same, so you know anything could happen.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” allowed Mark.

“There wasn't a problem with the car or anything?”

“No it was just me.”

Sebastian shook his head. “No I didn't mean that. I just meant you said it felt good this morning, so at least it should be okay for tomorrow.”

“Oh, well yeah,” conceded Mark.

“So that gives you a fighting chance.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh. “Is this you giving me a pep talk?”

Seb scrunched his nose up.

“Trying. How'm I doing?”

 

It was too cute to resist, so Mark turned in and kissed it.

“Not bad mate, not bad.”

He sat back and stretched out his limbs trying to shake off his disappointment. Seb copied him and sat further back alongside Mark.

“You came through the field here last year didn't you?” remembered Sebastian.

Mark tipped his head in acknowledgement.

“So you can do it again,” insisted Seb. “You got on the podium didn't you, and...” he paused trying to recall, “where did you start?”

“Sixth.”

“Well then.”

“Yeah alright. Still all to play for,” accepted Mark.

 

Sebastian smiled, glad that he seemed to have made a difference to Mark's mood.

“Good. So what would you give my pepping out of ten?”

Mark laughed. “Ah not bad, seven, maybe seven and a half.”

Seb shook his head in mock affront. “That all?”

“Well, you've still time to lift your score,” teased Mark.

 

Mark puffed out a long breath and scrubbed a hand though his hair.

“Are we good to go then?” wondered Sebastian.

“Ah sorry, no. I've got a bit more stuff to get through yet,” apologised Mark, already pushing himself up to get changed.

He pulled on pair of jeans and team t-shirt while Sebastian sat looking over the weather predictions on his phone again. As he made ready to leave he looked over at Seb.

“You gonna hang around here?”

“Umm, no I think I'll go get a drink. Think you'll be long?”

“An hour maybe, not too long. I'll come find you alright?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Seb went to go.

“I'll make dinner and we can just walk the dogs, chill out and forget about everything until tomorrow. Sound good?”

“Yeah mate, sounds great. Think you just raised yourself to an eight and a half,” joked Mark.

“I'm honoured.”

Sebastian stretched up and kissed him. Mark placed a hand on his arm and leant in to whisper in his ear.

“I can think of ways you could raise it to a ten.”

Sebastian laughed. “I'll bet you can.”

 

Mark grinned back at him before softening his smile.

“To be honest mate all you really had to do to cheer me up was be here.”

He gave Seb a hug thinking how true that was.

“Won't be too long,” Mark assured before they both left the room.

 

Mark walked back along the paddock feeling considerably lighter. He'd meant what he'd said; Seb just being there for him was a lot, but hearing him say encouraging things, things Mark knew himself deep down, did help. He wondered how it was he'd got by without this for so long.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark stood on the podium in the pouring rain getting more soaked by that then the champagne that was being sprayed around. He placed his arms around the shoulders of his team-mates and smiled, but he wasn't looking at the cameras, he was looking at Sebastian stood down in the crowd below beaming up at him. He looked so proud.

It wasn't first place, but second was a fantastic result given where they'd started and a double podium for the team meant it was a pretty good weekend for Porsche all round. Somehow even more important than that, was how pleased and impressed Seb looked. It made Mark feel about ten feet tall.

He looked down, knowing he was holding Sebastian's eyes for far too long. If anyone really analysed the scene surely they would notice, but he couldn't help it. Mark forced himself to look away as they all posed for photographs. He could get Seb's congratulations in person later on, the wait would be worth it.

 

 

 

Mark walked along the paddock with Jenson for company. Seb had long since given up waiting on them finishing their post-race debrief and Mark knew that he'd find him either in hospitality or his room and then they could go home.

Despite the good result today Mark was exhausted and the idea of getting home and crashing out on the sofa with Sebastian was beckoning. The dogs could just have a run around out back. It might have finally ceased raining but it was cold and he was too tired. Mark thought they would have to wait until he'd revived himself tomorrow unless Seb really wanted to take them out on his own, but he probably wouldn't. Seb would probably offer to make dinner again and Mark thought he wouldn't care if it was charred to a crisp.

 

“You're very quiet mate,” noted Jenson.

“Hmm?” Mark brought himself back from his thoughts. “Oh long day, you know.”

“Certainly do,” agreed Jenson. “I've got a flight to look forward to after this as well. At least you've only got to go down the road.”

“True.”

Maybe Seb would drive back? He'd had enough of that for one day.

“Not a bad start for both of us after all, eh?” offered Jenson.

“Yep, certainly better than I'd thought possible yesterday,” Mark admitted.

Or at least before he'd seen Seb anyway.

“Time for a quick drink or are you shooting off?” wondered Jenson.

“Oh we'll head off I think, sorry,” answered Mark reflexively.

Jenson looked at him.

“Seb's waiting for me... I umm, I'm giving him a lift,” covered Mark.

It was true, or maybe Sebastian was giving him a lift, but either way.

“You live pretty near each other these days,” noted Jenson.

“Right,” confirmed Mark, trying not to let his voice waver.

 

They took a few more paces along while Jenson wondered at Mark's reaction. He looked uncomfortable. The way he'd said 'we' so naturally and then stumbled over the next part as if he'd just realised that he'd made a mistake. It was odd. But then it was a little bit odd that Sebastian was here at all. For all his joking about Sebastian coming to see his debut, Jenson was well aware that Seb was here with Mark. He'd been friendly all weekend and seemed pleased to see him, but when Jenson had suggested grabbing some lunch earlier, Seb had put him off. He'd been waiting for Mark. Seb hadn't said as much, but it was obvious.

Oh, but it was _obvious_.

 

Jenson stopped dead and stared at Mark. His jaw literally dropped. Mark turned to look at him.

“Oh my god!”

“Jenson,” tried Mark.

Jenson took a step closer into him, still looking stunned, his eyes open wide.

“Oh. My. God,” repeated Jenson in a shocked but quieter voice.

He leaned further into Mark and grasped his arm.

“Oh my god, you're _sleeping_ together.”

Mark shook his head. “It's not like that,” he insisted.

Jenson frowned. “You're _not_ sleeping together?” But he'd been so sure he was right.

“It's not like that,” echoed Mark helplessly.

 

Sleeping together didn't even begin to cover what their relationship amounted to.

 

He shut his eyes and felt as though the leaden sky above them was crashing down on him.

Reopening his eyes, Mark glanced about; it wasn't busy but there were still a few people around. No one close enough to have heard Jenson thankfully, but Mark took a hold of his elbow and dragged him down the gap between two transportation trucks. Jenson was still so shocked he didn't resist in the slightest.

 

“Bloody hell Mark,” exclaimed Jenson.

“Could you not broadcast to the entire world please?” pleaded Mark.

Jenson leant back against the side of the truck still looking stunned.

“So you are then? I can't believe it.”

Mark leant back on the truck opposite Jenson and sighed heavily.

“You really are. _Unbelievable_.”

Mark looked at him challengingly.

“What? Why is it so unbelievable? It's really not like you didn't know I was gay is it?”

“Well no,” conceded Jenson, “and I guess I pretty much knew about Seb too, but it's not like you're the only two gay people in the universe. I'd never have put you two together.”

“Yeah well it turns out we have quite a lot in common,” pointed out Mark.

Jenson shook his head as if he was trying to shake his brain cells into accepting the facts.

“But you two? I was amazed you were even friends after everything that happened when you were team-mates and now it turns out you've been fucking this whole time?”

 

Mark glared at him. “Yes, thank you Jenson. A, it's not 'this whole time', and B, I'd appreciate it if you didn't dismiss it like that. How would you like it if I said you were busy fucking Jessica?”

Jenson stopped as he took a moment to let that sink in. He looked over at Mark feeling suitably apologetic.

“Sorry. That was, sorry I think I'm actually in shock though, my brain's not connecting with my mouth. I shouldn't have said that, sorry.”

“Hmm, yeah well.” huffed Mark.

“You two, you're something serious then?”

“Yeah mate we are,” admitted Mark.

“Wow. Sorry, brain still catching up here,” stalled Jenson. “Okay so how long has this been going on?”

“A while. I guess we became friends after I left and, well, things developed from there,” confessed Mark.

It was the only version of the truth that anyone was ever going to get.

 

“Right. Bloody hell though, I'd never have called it.”

“Yeah well life surprises you.”

“I'll say.” Jenson shook his head and laughed.

“How did you know?” wondered Mark.

“You just said 'we' like, well, like you're a _'we'_ , you and Seb,” explained Jenson.

Mark gave a slight nod, he knew too late that he'd done it.

“I guess when I really think about it, it was a bit odd how closely you guys have been hanging out here and you've been to all those races with Seb since you left.”

“You _were_ there with him weren't you?” Jenson checked.

Mark nodded. The status of their relationship may have varied over time, but there was no denying that he had been there with Seb, _for_ Seb.

“Guess I'm pretty stupid for not working it out sooner: You sticking up for Seb all the time and,” Jenson paused, “Seb said some stuff about you that time we went out somewhere...”

“In Canada,” guessed Mark.

Jenson furrowed his brow and then he smiled as he appreciated how involved their lives must be if Mark knew that so readily.

“Yeah in Canada, we'd had a few drinks and Seb said some things.”

Mark frowned. “Like what?”

Jenson shrugged. “I dunno, just something nice about you, I can't remember.”

 

Mark leant his head back against the truck and closed his eyes momentarily whilst trying to gather himself. He regarded Jenson earnestly.

“Jense you can't say anything. Please. If you've ever been my friend, _our_ friend, don't.”

Jenson went as if to speak, but Mark held up a hand.

“I know this is probably the best bit of gossip you've ever had, but please.”

Jenson looked at Mark. He seemed so serious, no wonder really.

“I'm not going to gossip about it,” protested Jenson.

Mark raised an eyebrow at him. He knew his friend loved to talk.

“I'm not,” Jenson insisted.

“Okay, but not _anyone_ , not Jess, for god's sake not DC. You know what he's like,” Mark fretted.

 

Jenson took a step forward and put his hand on Mark's elbow.

“I won't alright. Promise mate. I get why you'd want to keep it a secret.”

Mark sighed. “It's not a secret, that makes it sound like we're ashamed, it's just you know what people are like in this game, for Seb especially in F1, it's hardly the most open-minded of places is it?”

Jenson nodded.

“We're trying to find a way to handle it,” expanded Mark.

“Handle it?”

Mark puffed a long breath.

“We might be going public, we've not made a call on that yet.”

“Really? Do you think the team would go for that, RedBull too?” wondered Jenson.

“We've already spoken to them,” revealed Mark.

“Oh? Huh. And they're going for it?”

“Well it's not really up to them, but yeah like I said we're trying to handle it right.”

 

It was becoming clearer and clearer that Christian's attitude that the whole affair was inevitably going to come out in the end was only realistic approach available.

“The worst thing would be it just becoming gossip. We really don't want that.”

“No okay.”

“I guess we're not doing a very good job of keeping it quiet if you worked it out so easily,” noted Mark.

Jenson laughed. “Hardly. It's taken me long enough and that's only cos I know you both.”

“Look mate don't worry about it. I don't think it's that obvious really. I mean maybe that you've made up and stuff, but not the rest.”

“You think so?” tested Mark.

“Well it could just be that I'm really thick,” acknowledged Jenson with a smile.

 

Mark rolled his eyes back at Jenson. It didn't qualify as the most solid reassurance but he knew Jenson meant well.

“Okay, well just keep it to yourself for now please. At least this way at some point you'll get to say you knew all along and I know how you'll enjoy that.”

“Yeah alright, but you owe me mate.”

Mark looked at him questioningly.

“At least two drinks in Rosie's next time you're in Monaco.”

Mark laughed. “Yeah I think that's roughly a month's wages, so I suppose that's a fair price.”

“I'm presuming you'll be there with Seb if you're going to more races with him,” proposed Jenson.

“Yeah.”

“And Seb's gonna come to more with you?”

“That's the idea,” affirmed Mark.

Jenson grinned and shook his head.

“How exactly is that keeping it quiet?”

Mark shrugged.

“It's just how it is, how it has to be, for us. I need him and he needs me.”

 

There it was again, thought Jenson: 'us'. It was how he talked about himself and Jessy. She came to races with him when she could, why shouldn't Mark and Seb get the same?

“You're the real deal.”

“We are.”

“Bloody hell.”

Jenson still sounded slightly disbelieving.

“I used to think you two hated each other.”

“We never hated each other,” insisted Mark. “Wound each other up, drove each other off track, drove each other crazy...”

Jenson raised a suggestive eyebrow.

“You know what I mean,” countered Mark.

“I'm sure I don't want to know,” joked Jenson.

“There was nothing going on then,” asserted Mark.

“If you say so.”

“I do.”

“Alright, but you know the press are gonna go mental when they find out cos of all that? I mean they'd go crazy anyway, but with your past...”

“They'll think it's Christmas. Yeah we know. And you wonder why we're trying to hold that off?”

“Actually I don't. I get it. I can see how you'd want to avoid that,” offered Jenson.

“To be honest mate, I don't think we can in the long run, we're just trying to buy a little time.”

Jenson nodded. “Yeah.”

 

He looked at Mark more soberly.

“Don't suppose it's much fun having to keep it under the radar.”

Mark let out a heavy sigh. “It's really not. It's actually pretty horrible. It makes us feel like we're doing something wrong when we're not.”

“No of course not.”

Jenson looked at his friend and read the stress in his face. He moved in to give him a firm hug.

“Is it stupid to ask if there's anything I can do?” Jenson asked.

Mark huffed a dry laugh, thankful to see that his friend was still his friend.

“Thanks but not really, other than just keeping it to yourself for now.”

“I can do that,” promised Jenson.

Mark examined his face.

“Yeah? I mean it, not anyone. The minute you tell just one person and they just tell one person...” he began.

“You've told everyone. Yeah alright mate, I spent enough years in the paddock to know how it works.”

Jenson looked at Mark's wary face.

“I've managed to keep my mouth shut on a few topics over the years,” Jenson related.

That had to be true thought Mark. Any amount of proprietorial team information, contract signings, his suspicions about Mark's sexuality for any number of years for that matter. He'd not spilled that to the press. Mark supposed he could trust Jenson. They had no choice really.

“Okay well thanks,” offered Mark.

 

The two of them stepped back out and resumed walking along the paddock.

“You do realise when Jess finds out I knew, whenever you decide, you know to tell people,” Jenson smiled over at Mark. “She's gonna kill me.”

He laughed. “You might owe me a couple more drinks after that.”

Mark offered back a small smile and a nod. Jenson quieted his laugh and nodded in return thinking again of the stress they must be under.

“It'll all work out for you guys, I'm sure,” he reassured.

Mark merely nodded again without much conviction.

 

In a minute Mark knew he'd see Sebastian and he was already anticipating seeing the look on his face, seeing how proud of him Seb was. He'd been waiting ages to offer his congratulations and Mark had been looking forward to letting Sebastian run on, letting him tell him how pleased and impressed he was, enjoying making him feel good. Mark thought about how happy Seb had looked when he'd been watching him on the podium, and now he was going to have to walk in there and tell him they had something new to worry about, another indication that their façade wasn't holding and they were being propelled ever further towards their decision being taken out of their hands. He would have to stand there and tell Seb, because there was no way Mark could keep it from him, no matter how much he wished he could protect Sebastian from yet more trouble pressing down on them. He'd have to watch that beautiful happy smile die on Seb's face and know that it was him that had caused that, even if he'd had no choice, and it killed him.

Maybe they had no choice about any of this?

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least if you had to wait, this chapter was long enough.
> 
>  
> 
> Gotta tell you I still squint at comments cos I'm always afraid they might not be nice; I'm a big scaredy cat! Thanks to all who do comment though, it's always appreciated.


	38. Friends and Allies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I've got in a pickle and let myself get carried away with stupidly long chapters again as I hurry the plot along.  
> So. To straighten things out and keep this story from overwhelming you dear reader, I'm splitting what I've dashed off into smaller chapters so it's a little easier to take.
> 
> So here goes. This is the first bit. Apologies for any typos caused by rapid-fire writing.

 

 

Mark stood at the kitchen sink doing the washing up. He heard a noise and moved to look, but seeing nothing, assumed that it must be the dogs and turned his attention back to his task. A few moments later a pair of hands slid their way around him and he felt a body gently press up against his back and a head rest against a shoulder.

 

He smiled. “Hello Seb, you're home then?”

“How'd you know it's me?” mumbled Sebastian into his back.

Mark dried his hands off on a tea-towel and turned around.

“Either that or burglars are getting very friendly around here,” joked Mark.

 

He moved in and gave Seb a welcome kiss. As they pulled apart, Seb sighed.

“You okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. Tired I guess,” admitted Sebastian. “Glad to be home.”

“I'm glad you're home too,” confirmed Mark.

 

He gave Seb a hug, grateful to feel him there after nearly a full week apart. The last fly-away race was done now until the autumn thank god. It hadn't even crossed Sebastian's mind to go back to his own house before coming here. The thought of being with Mark as soon as possible had been all he had thought of on the journey back.

Mark gave him another quick kiss before they were interrupted as the dogs pushed their way into both their legs, fighting to gain Seb's attention now that he was back again.

 

Mark grinned, thinking how he wasn't the only one who was happy that Seb was back, and let Sebastian pet the dogs as he went to switch the kettle on.

“Cup of tea? You've missed dinner. I can make you something if you like?”

Seb pried himself away from the dogs to go sit at the table.

“Oh no, tea's good thanks. I ate on the flight.”

 

Mark made them both a drink and sat down to join Sebastian.

“I should say well done again,” suggested Mark.

Sebastian smiled. “I think you've said that plenty of times already.”

 

A podium wasn't a win, but Mark had congratulated him on the phone and by text enough that it almost felt as if it was. Nothing beat hearing it in person though.

 

“Thank you though,” added Sebastian. “Just need to make that next step up.”

Mark nodded. “That'll come. You said the car felt good though.”

“Yeah. Better anyway. Maybe I'm just getting better at handling it?”

“Either way is good isn't it?” noted Mark.

“Guess so,” conceded Sebastian. “Anyway, I spoke to Britta.”

 

Mark raised his eyebrows, they'd discussed this but Sebastian had said he didn't think he was going to get chance this weekend.

“Did you? When?”

Seb shrugged. “Late last night, or this morning, whenever it is. I'm so tired now I couldn't say when.”

“Okay,” placated Mark, it didn't matter when. “So what did she say?”

Sebastian gave a little smile. “She said she doesn't know how she didn't work it out.”

Mark shook his head and smiled back.

“Britta's usually pretty sharp, I bet she's annoyed at herself.”

“Ah well she didn't miss everything. She saw you in my room that time so she said she knew something was up, but she just hadn't put it all together.”

Mark laughed. “Well there goes our plan of just letting people work it out one by one until the whole paddock knows.”

Seb laughed back. “Hmm guess so.”

 

Sebastian sat back in his chair and drank his tea. He looked over at Mark thinking about everything they had talked about since Mark had told him that Jenson had guessed the truth. Britta had been Seb's call; As Mark said, she was usually pretty sharp about things and for years now she had been by his side as his first line of defence with the media. She was loyal and knew how things worked with both sides of the fence. Seb wanted her on side going forwards if coming out was as inevitable as it now seemed.

 

“She's alright though?” checked Mark.

“Yeah course. A little surprised maybe, but yeah she's onboard.”

Sebastian shrugged. “I told you I was pretty sure she knew, I mean about me, if not us.”

“Right, okay well that's all good then.”

“Mmm.”

Mark looked over at Sebastian trying to read him.

“Did she have much to say then? Any suggestions?” wondered Mark.

“She's having a think about it.”

“A think about it?”

Seb shrugged. “We're asking a lot of her you know. She's going to be the one facing off with the media.”

“Well you are. We are.”

“Mmm, but we're asking her to handle it all and try to manage it, try to help come up with a strategy,” noted Sebastian.

“Not on her own.”

“No but it's still a lot,” countered Seb.

He gave a wry smile. “I think if I was her I'd have resigned on the spot.”

Mark rolled his eyes. “Don't give her ideas.”

Sebastian shook his head. “You know I bet it didn't even occur to her. Anyway I'll have another chat with her when I'm in during the week, and...”

“And we'll see where we go from there?”

Sebastian nodded.

 

Mark puffed out a little breath.

“Okay, well that'll do for now won't it? You look half dead. Do you want to go up?”

Seb looked at the time; it was barely half past eight.

“Not yet. Can we just crash out, watch a film or something?”

Sebastian shot Mark an appeal of his blue eyes.

Mark shook his head, Seb knew exactly what that look did to him, it wasn't as though he needed persuading.

“Come on then.”

 

They decamped to the lounge and Mark let Sebastian settle into him as they sat down on the sofa, resting his arm over his shoulder.

“Mmmm,” breathed Seb. “I've been looking forward to this.”

Mark found something for them to watch and was about to ask Seb if he approved of the choice when he looked down at Sebastian; he was already fast asleep. Mark smiled and kissed the top of the head that rested against his chest. He'd been looking forward to this too.

 

 

 

 

The next two weeks before Mark was due to race at Spa was filled with talking; talking with each other, their families, members of their respective teams.

Seb spoke to Henry, taking up his entire session going over the decision he and Mark were facing. He still didn't think Henry really understood the risk they would be taking in their profession. Dr. Menton was coming from a point of view based entirely in a world where sexuality wasn't an issue and he didn't quite seem to comprehend the challenge of being open in a society that seemed so closed-minded, nor the potential problems inherent in racing in parts of the world that were openly homophobic and repressive.

It did help a little for Sebastian to at least marshal his thoughts whilst talking to his therapist though and Henry did raise an interesting point when Seb emphasised the fact that coming out would make him the first gay F1 driver. Henry had raised his eyebrows and even after Seb had conceded that obviously Mark had been too, he seemed somewhat incredulous, asking how many drivers there had been over the years and pointing out when Seb estimated that it must be in the high hundreds that statistically the odds were very low that there really had _never_ been a gay driver before the two of them. Unfortunately Sebastian had to say that only showed just how difficult the matter was to be open about it.

 

Dr. Menton couldn't give him an answer, no one really could. All anyone could do for them was offer their own view. Their families never failed to remind them that they had their support either way, which was reassuring but didn't really move them forwards. Instead it was Britta who Sebastian found the most useful to talk to. She wasn't in truth all that reassuring; she made it quite clear when Seb spoke to her in a private room they had snagged at the factory after a long day of racing on the sim, that she thought that the reaction of the press would be huge and it would have the potential to be disruptive, not only to their lives at the track but away from that, reaching into everything they held dear.

It wasn't comforting to hear, but it was in an odd way better to hear some blunt realism from someone who understood both the sport and the media world that was intrinsically a part of it. Britta was however clearly on their side, and whilst that didn't make it any easier to hear, it did make it a little easier to accept. When Sebastian got home that night and discussed it with Mark he suggested that if Britta was agreeable it might help if she came and spoke to them both.

 

 

Seb felt a little strange inviting Britta over to Mark's so they were at Sebastian's house eating lunch at the kitchen table, Britta asked Mark to tell her all about how things were going for him in his new career before they finished up eating and faced discussing the subject she had come for.

“I talked with Christian,” related Britta.

“And?” asked Sebastian.

“And we had a general chat about it. To be honest I think we're at the point where we might all need to sit down on this.”

 

Mark looked over at Seb and puffed a breath.

“A committee meeting? Doesn't that sound fun?” he remarked dryly.

Britta shrugged. “Sorry Mark, but there's only so much we can plan without you making a decision about whether you want to go forward with this.”

“Do you think we should?” asked Sebastian.

Britta shook her head. “This is most definitely not my call. You two need to decide. We can plan all you like about media strategies and the extent to which we can try to manage this, but when it comes down to it you already know that even in the more progressive parts of the world the press reaction is going to be intensive, if not to say intrusive. I can't stop that, none us can. You would need to prepare yourself for that, and your families too.”

Seb frowned. “You really think they'd go for them?”

“I think they'd try anything they could Seb,” hypothesised Britta. “Are they ready for that?”

 

Mark and Seb looked at one another but it was Mark that answered.

“They think they are, but I'm not sure they realise quite how bad it could be.”

“Well I could speak with them, work out what they want to do.”

Britta gave them a tight smile. “It's difficult, because they're your families and I've no doubt they would want to defend you, but my recommendation would be that we would release a supportive statement on their behalf so that they don't have to come into contact with the media at all and then give them some responses to fall back on when the press attempt to contact them.

“You mean ways of blocking them?” wondered Seb.

“Yes. It may sound odd to them, but you know yourselves that if you already have some stock phrases ready to go, then you are less likely to be flustered into giving a response you might regret. As far as your families go I would encourage you to ask them to remain firm on not talking to the media. For all that they would no doubt want to stick up for you, especially if goaded by some of the less responsible parts of the press, if they respond then they are opening the door to them and it will only encourage them to push for more.”

 

Britta stopped and drank her coffee, letting her words sink in.

“I appreciate that it's not nice having someone tell your families what they can and cannot say.”

Mark shook his head. “No that's okay.”

He glanced back at Sebastian who was sat by his side of the table.

“It makes sense, not that I think they'd like having to keep quiet too much. But yeah I think if we spoke to them and then let you explain it.”

“Do you think the press would get the message and leave them alone if they refused to speak to them?” asked Sebastian.

Britta opened out her hands. “Honestly, I don't know. I hope so, but they would doubtless persist for a while and they could make life unpleasant for them, but it's the best plan I can think of.”

She sighed a little. “I don't have precedent on any of this. I'll do my best, but there's an extent to which we'll just have to think on our feet a bit.”

 

Mark gave a wry smile. “I can think of a couple of race weekends that went like that.”

“Not like this,” countered Britta more seriously.

“Yeah, we know,” conceded Sebastian, knowing that Mark was trying to keep things from getting too heavy.

“We really appreciate it Britta. It would be pretty unpleasant for you too, and we know this is a whole huge thing you never signed up for.”

Britta smiled. “I signed up for dealing with whatever was thrown at me.”

“I think you'll be due some kind of bonus at least,” smiled Seb.

“Okay, so then have you had chance to have a think how we'd actually go about this?” inquired Mark.

“Well that would be up to you, but I suppose you have a couple of options; you could release a statement but that would be a little cold perhaps, you could hold a press conference but that might be a pretty daunting experience, you could bring the subject up during a filmed interview, but I think my suggestion would be to pick one of the more 'friendly' shall we say, members of the press and give a background interview in which you say you are willing to discuss your private life,” ran through Britta.

“Together?” queried Seb.

Britta puffed a breath. “I think they'd be rather suspicious if we set up an interview with the two of you together to start with. I think one of you is going to have to start this off.”

 

Mark and Sebastian looked at one another, not thrilled at the prospect of one of them having to take this burden.

“Give them an exclusive you mean,” suggested Seb.

Britta nodded.

“And you mean Seb don't you,” intuited Mark, sounding dubious.

“I'm afraid I do. Sorry Seb but you are the higher-profile,” she looked at Mark apologetically, but he waved it off, it wasn't status that bothered him. “I'd propose an interview with you at the factory, maybe a follow up with the two of you?”

“That doesn't seem very fair on Seb,” countered Mark.

“It's just a suggestion,” absolved Britta. “Whatever you do you'd end up having to face pretty much endless questions in interviews.”

“At the track you mean?” clarified Seb.

“Yes. You could try redirecting them to more relevant topics, you could try refusing to discuss anything other than driving, but the truth is that would be pretty hard to pull off, at least at first.”

Mark frowned. “Why? Surely at least at races we have the right to only focus on that?”

Britta raised an eyebrow. “You have that right, but the media will be relentless if you don't give them anything.”

 

She paused. “We can discuss coping strategies, areas you're willing to mention and what you won't, language etc, but I think we need to be realistic.”

“And realistic means giving them what they want?” asked Mark.

“It means giving them something. They're going to say you invited this, and to be fair there's an extent that would be true.”

“Only because we're probably going to have no choice,” disagreed Mark.

“Well that's as may be, but they won't see it that way. Anyway it will be up to you what you do say, but my recommendation would be to give just a little at the beginning.”

“To keep them happy?” suggested Seb.

“Yes, but only what you are happy to disclose, nothing more, and I think there would be merit to separating out the paddock press and the general media. You want to keep the usual guys on your side, putting up a brick wall with them would probably not help. On the other hand you don't want to encourage the wider press into thinking they can have whatever they want from you.”

Britta took a breath.

“It's a delicate balance,” she conceded.

“Sounds it,” accepted Mark.

“Well I'd help, as I'm sure would my counter-parts at Porsche Mark, but it would be the two of you on the front-line.”

“Great,” added Mark dryly.

“Sorry.”

“No, it's not your fault,” apologised Mark. “It just sounds a bit of a nightmare.”

 

He looked over at Sebastian apologetically. “Sorry, but it does, and it would be worse for you, there's so much more media at every F1 race.”

Seb sighed. “I know, but that's just how it is isn't it.”

Britta wondered for a moment before adding. “Mark, Seb tells me you're going to be at more races going forward anyway.”

“Yeah, so... Oh you mean I'm going to get it anyway if I'm there?”

“Only if you choose to go ahead. You don't have to do this,” reminded Britta.

“No but if we do?”

“Then yes you'll face it too. You wouldn't be obliged to talk to the press as a non-F1-driver, but that doesn’t mean they would leave you alone.

 

Mark huffed a dry laugh. “I know that they wouldn't.”

“No, so it would be your call; we can arrange a couple of things where you chose to speak to some journalists officially as it were, or you could pick and chose a few people you trust in the media and talk to them. Give them as little or as much as you choose to.”

“To back Seb up you mean?”

Mark didn't even notice that he'd pressed his knee up against Sebastian's under the table as he said this.

 

“Pretty much, yes. And if you wanted to do a few joint things, we could arrange that.”

“Present a united front you mean?” clarified Seb.

“Yes. If you wanted to. The team would release a statement backing you.”

Britta shrugged. “We'd come up with the wording, something about it not being an issue and that we support you and that we are all fully focussed on racing. Something like that anyway, and I'd have to speak to people, maybe Christian, I know he would speak to the media, Dietrich I imagine would rather keep it to a statement...”

“Marko's not wild about it apparently,” interjected Sebastian.

“Then we keep him away from the cameras,” proposed Britta.

Mark laughed. “Hmm, good luck with that.”

“He won't actually oppose us will he?” questioned Sebastian, more to Mark that Britta.

“No, he'll toe the line,” insisted Britta with rather more confidence than she felt.

 

“Look it won't be fun, but we'd manage it. We'd just have to decide a plan and work around it as best we can. I would hope that if we can do that and you give the media at races a little so that they don't feel entirely shut out, you can then make a call on when enough is enough and then you'll be within your rights to turn around and say no more on the topic.”

“We're here to race,” suggested Seb.

“Just so. It might take a bit of hammering home, but, well I may be being optimistic here, but I would hope that they would get the message and fall into line.”

Britta smiled at them. “In my time in the paddock I've learnt that the press have a reasonably short attention span. They'll find something else to get excited about and beyond that they just need training into knowing what is acceptable.”

“You really think they'll drop it?” wondered Mark.

Britta opened out her hands. “I've got no manual here. We'd all be learning as we go. But then neither would the media have any precedent. If we can lead, I mean I think it's optimistic to suggest we can control it entirely, but within the paddock at least, I don't think it has to get totally out of hand.”

 

Sebastian stared at his coffee for a moment thinking about what Britta wasn't saying. He finally looked up.

“What you're saying is that beyond the paddock we've no way of controlling things.”

Britta paused before admitting. “We can try, but, no, there's only so much we can do about the wider media, the reaction of fans and so on.”

“Yeah,” Seb nodded. They knew this. They always had in a way.

Mark slid an arm around Seb and gave him a squeeze. They both knew the uncomfortable truth was that they would be throwing themselves to the wolves and all the pre-planned media strategies in the world would be incapable of controlling things.

“I wish I could tell you it would be easier,” confessed Britta.

Seb shook his head. “No, that's okay. The truth is better than pretending and then getting a nasty shock.”

“Okay well, so what's next?” asked Mark sounding resigned.

 

Britta looked at the two of them sat opposite her, so close together. She thought how Christian's belief that one way another this was going to come out was only too true when you saw this. Quite how she hadn't seen it before was a mystery.

“Well you need to decide what you want. Talk to your families some more maybe. And then I guess if you want to, we arrange a meeting, get some key people there. Maybe one or two from Porsche if they'd agree to it Mark?”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, well that's about what I've got for now. I guess I talk to a few more people via Christian and yeah...”

Britta left off. It was in their hands now.

 

Mark gave Seb another squeeze and then got up to make some more coffee to give them a distraction. Britta excused herself to use the bathroom and they both knew she was giving them a window of time to talk.

Mark gave Seb a little shrug.

“We don't have decide right now.”

Sebastian looked him in the eye. “We have to decide at some point though don't we?”

 

They looked at one another for a moment before Mark nodded and said 'okay' softly before shifting around to turn so he could give Seb a proper hug. They held onto one another and Seb closed his eyes as he rested his head on Mark's shoulder.

“It's going to be a nightmare isn't it?” said Sebastian quietly.

Mark squeezed him tighter.

“For a while mate, yeah, but we'll get through it alright?”

Sebastian nodded against him and they stayed together for a little longer until they heard Britta's footsteps approaching and pulled apart.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and looked firmly at Britta as she resumed her seat.

“Call the meeting.”

She looked at the pair of them and saw Mark nod in agreement.

“It doesn't have to be the final decision,” Britta added.

“Okay, but if we do this then we would be in a position to make that call wouldn't we?” interpreted Sebastian.

“Yeah. I think that's a good way of looking at it,” agreed Britta. “Mark could you maybe give me a contact at your team?”

“Yes of course. And thank you Britta. I'm not sure I've said that,” volunteered Mark, knowing that inevitably Britta was going to end up working on his behalf as well as Seb's.

“No need. I'll get on it, see when we can fit it in with everybody's schedules.”

 

Britta looked at her fresh coffee.

“If you'll forgive me, with our limited time I'd like to get on it now, so I might go.”

Both Mark and Sebastian nodded. Mark got out his phone and pulled up a few numbers for Britta to copy so she could get in touch with some relevant counterparts in his team, resolving to give them a quick heads-up as soon as she was gone.

Britta stood up and made her way out. On the doorstep she turned and gave each of them a hug.

“I think you're very brave you know, even contemplating going public,” she smiled. “It'll be tough, if you go for it, but we'll try to make sure it's not the end of the world.”

“Even if it feels like it for a while?” asked Mark wryly.

“Even so,” allowed Britta. “Okay, well Christian or I will be in touch.”

 

Britta left them to it and Seb and Mark went back into the house to clear away lunch and try to do whatever they could to forget about things for a while.

 

 

 

 

A few days later Mark and Sebastian climbed into Seb's car parked outside the factory in Milton Keynes. Mark puffed out a long heavy breath.

“If I ever have to sit in a meeting discussing my sex life with Helmut Marko again it will be too soon.”

Seb let out a dry laugh. “Urgh, god please don't put the words 'sex life' and 'Helmut Marko' in the same sentence.”

Mark smiled and shook his head. “The imagery alone...”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Right, shall we go home then?”

Mark patted Seb's knee, trying his best to keep things from getting too heavy.

“Could've been worse.”

“Could've been worse,” echoed Seb.

 

The drove home, both thinking that they'd done the right thing in asking for help. Of course Mark had been joking when he'd said they had been discussing their sex life in the meeting, but it was what it amounted to in the end and it had been distinctly uncomfortable, but at least this way they had looked into everything and they should be spared too many surprises. Both teams were behind them, however grudging that support might be from some individuals. Now they just needed a bit of space to let things settle in their minds and come to a decision.

 

 

Once home they walked the dogs to get some fresh air after being far too long trapped in the meeting. As they sat down on the bench at the top of the hill Mark turned to Seb.

“Look why don't we forget it for a bit. Let them get on with their plans and whatever they're thinking and you and I concentrate on the races we've got coming up?”

Seb nodded. “Yeah, to be honest I'd quite like to not think about it all for a while.”

“Exactly. Just race and stop worrying about anything else.”

 

Sebastian slid his hand into Mark's as they walked back. It would still be hard having to hold back when they were accompanying each other to their upcoming races, but it would feel good just to do what they were meant to be doing and maybe leave it to their subconscious to mull things over in the background.

 

 

 

Going along with Mark to Spa oddly felt like a relief. The change of scene was good and Mark was too busy with his work to think about anything else. Sebastian was pleased that Porsche had gone along with the same idea RedBull had agreed to, in making sure they had rooms booked next door to each other in the hotel and asking no questions beyond that. It still felt a little like sneaking around, but it was considerably easier than it had been in Melbourne.

 

Sebastian took the opportunity to show Mark that he was being supportive by hanging around in the background as far out of the way as possible. It might have seemed a strange way to show how much he loved him, but Mark had told him that he just wanted to know he was around and they had agreed their own small strategy that for the time-being they would keep things within limits; Qualifying and the race were the most important parts of the weekend, so that was when they would be in the garage for the other, the rest of the time they would stay back in hospitality or the other's room at the track and support the other merely by being there.

 

 

Jenson texted Mark to check it was okay before coming to see the pair of them in Mark's room at the track. He tried to restrain himself, but as soon as the door closed behind him he couldn't help cackling with glee.

 

“Oh my god, you two. I still can't believe it!”

Mark sighed and shook his head at how overexcited Jenson still was.

“You've had weeks to get used to the idea Jense, is it still that strange?”

Jenson laughed. “Yeah mate it really is a bit.”

He looked over at Seb and smiled. “Only to me, obviously, can't be strange to you I suppose?”

Seb looked across at Mark and replied dryly for both of them.

“No, it's not strange to us.”

“No. Course not. Anyway I wondered if you wanted to come out to dinner with me tonight? Unless you want to leave me as a lonely singleton?”

“Where's Jess?” asked Seb.

“Japan. She's working, and no,” Jenson saw the question in Mark's eyes, “I've been a good boy. I haven't breathed a word. So, dinner then? Unless I'm going to be the third wheel?”

 

Mark smiled and shook his head. He glanced at Seb for a moment and seeing him give a slight nod, agreed.

"Yeah, why not."

“Excellent. I won't have to be too sad and lonely then.”

Jenson grinned and winked.

“I can be cover for you two can't I?”

Mark rolled his eyes, but he knew Jenson was just amusing himself. Far better he did it with them than anyone else.

“Sure,” allowed Sebastian.

It would be no great hardship to have dinner with Jenson included when they had most of the rest of the time together.

 

 

The weekend went smoothly enough and Seb and Mark had to concede that Jenson was right; he did provide some cover for them. When one of the few journalists that were hanging around spotted Seb walking through the paddock and he asked him if it was nice to visit his old friend, Sebastian agreed that it was and failed to correct the assumption when the journalist went on to note how Jenson had started well.

After they arrived back home Mark noticed that it had cropped up on the Autosport website that Seb had been in Spa and they read a short article speculating that he might be looking towards a future later career, as well as noting that Seb had been seen around the Porsche garage a few times since Jenson had joined them.

Sebastian could do nothing but shrug. He hadn't told them why he was there or who he was with, but in truth if the media were making the wrong guesses it did the two of them no harm for now.

Maybe they were only buying time, but in their business, time was everything.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate to keep people waiting, so if you've read this and you fancy seeing what comes next, please let me know and I'll stick the next bit on...


	39. Truth and Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is effectively the second part of yesterday's chapter & as promised, here is another quick update.

 

  


 

Arriving in Barcelona for the grand prix, the two decided to stick to the same strategy that had worked out for them in Spa: Hotel rooms conveniently next door to one another; staying out of the limelight in the garage and only watching from there during qualifying and the race itself.

Mark had a few bits of PR lined up for the team to keep him busy and excuse his being there and as they got more used to it, restraining themselves in public did become a little more ingrained as a habit and consequently a little easier to bare. There were some issues that remained unavoidable though. Mark came back from a catch up with Fernando over coffee on the Friday afternoon feeling terrible.

  


As he sat around back in Sebastian's room waiting for him to finish up getting changed at the end of the day Mark decided he had to talk to Seb about it.

 

“What would you say if I wanted to tell Fernando about us?” Mark tried.

Sebastian stopped half-way through pulling on his hoody and looked at Mark.

“Really?”

Mark sighed. “Look I know we're telling more and more people, but when I spoke to him earlier he asked about you and I felt like I was lying.”

Seb pulled his top on properly and sat down by Mark.

“What was he asking?”

“Nothing particularly, he just mentioned you really, but I changed the subject. I didn't lie, but I avoided it and I feel really bad about not telling him the truth. He's my friend.”

“He's not _my_ friend,” noted Sebastian darkly, thinking how Fernando had always been one of his strongest rivals.

“Ah come on, he wouldn't use it against you. He wouldn't say anything.”

 

Seb took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Jenson knew, Daniel knew, they hadn't said anything.

“You trust him?” tested Sebastian.

“I do. Look I probably should have said, but I did talk to him a bit about you last summer,” confessed Mark.

Sebastian opened his mouth to protest, but what was the point? It was all a long time ago.

“He guessed that I liked you,” added Mark by way of explanation. “I asked him not to say anything and he never did, did he?”

“No,” confirmed Sebastian. Alonso had never given the slightest hint.

“Okay, fine if you want to tell him that's alright with me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah it's okay. If you trust him, I trust him. On this anyway.”

Mark smiled and gave him a grateful kiss.

“Thank you. I'd just hate him to find out any other way you know?”

Seb nodded. That was fair enough. There was no way Alonso could exploit the knowledge without hurting his friend and if Mark was certain, then it had to be true that he wouldn't do that.

 

 

  


 

Later on the following day, Mark texted his friend to ask if he had a moment free.

Fernando greeted him downstairs in the motorhome and suggested getting a coffee again but Mark asked him if they could perhaps go sit in his room for a bit. Fernando frowned at him a moment wondering what it was that Mark wished to discuss in private.

“Sure, come up,” invited Fernando, and they headed upstairs.

 

Mark took a seat by the desk as Fernando relaxed sat on his bed. He couldn't help glancing at the door to check that it was shut and wondering how thick the walls were.

 

“Everything is okay with you?” checked Fernando.

“Yeah good mate, good. That wasn't a bad quali for you,” offered Mark.

Fernando smiled, certain that wasn't what Mark had come to talk to him about.

“Thank you. Not bad indeed. Not as good as for Sebastian I think.”

Mark looked at him and allowed a small smile to cross his face as he saw the expression on his friend's face. Fernando was definitely pushing on that subject again.

 

“Mmm. Yeah, about that.”

“About Sebastian?”

“Mmmm.”

Fernando laughed at Mark's hesitation.

“You are here with him?” he encouraged.

“Yes,” admitted Mark.

Fernando continued smiling and raised an eyebrow.

“And you are with him as a friend, or...?”

Mark laughed a little nervously.

“You can't say anything.”

 

Fernando grinned knowing what answer that meant.

“Of course not.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Fernando put his hand over his heart and looked sincere.

“I give my word, on my honour as your friend I do not say anything to anyone on this.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, sorry to sound so paranoid.”

“No is fine,” encouraged Fernando.

Mark relaxed a little.

“Okay. So yeah, I am here with Seb and no I'm not just here as his friend.”

 

Fernando looked over and grinned again.

“Finally!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah alright, keep your voice down,” warned Mark.

Fernando shook his head at Mark's caution. He went over and gave his friend a firm hug.

“I cannot believe you did not tell me. I saw you in Australia and you say nothing. This is not since then?”

“No, sorry mate this has been going on a while. We're just struggling a bit with what we're going to do.”

Fernando furrowed his brow as he looked at Mark.

“What you are going to do?”

Mark nodded. “We're talking about coming out.”

 

Fernando looked surprised.

“That is, well, that is very courageous.”

“You think we're crazy?” postulated Mark.

“No no, I would not say so, but it would be a big thing. I think more so for Sebastian I am afraid,” suggested Fernando.

Mark nodded. “We know.”

Fernando regarded him. “You must be very serious to suggest this I think.”

“We are mate,” affirmed Mark.

Fernando nodded. “I wonder what your teams will say?”

“We've already talked to them,” explained Mark.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. They're trying to work out a plan, a strategy,” Mark gave a wry smile at the word, “now we just have to decide whether we go ahead.”

“Well that is good.” Fernando nodded, thinking that they must indeed be very serious about one another to take things so far.

He sat back down and as he did so, Fernando looked a little sideways at his friend.

 

“So you finally talk to him?”

“Yeah.”

“And when was this, hmm?”

Mark paused, wondering how much he wanted to reveal.

“Start of the year.”

“And after all, he feels as you do.”

“Yes.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“Turns out I was torturing myself for no reason, well not no reason, but anyway, yeah it all worked out to the good.”

Fernando nodded. He had accepted after they had spoken about Sebastian last summer, that Mark was clearly never going to reveal what it was that had caused him to agonise so much over it or what the problem had been for Seb. If they had worked things out and were happy now, surely it couldn't have been quite so bad as Mark had thought?

 

“I am very glad to hear this,” offered Fernando.

“Yeah?”

“Of course. You were unhappy I think last year. Now you are not. This is very obvious.”

“Is it?” wondered Mark.

“Yes. You seem happy in Australia, but I think this is because you were pleased you were home, but is because of this.”

Mark shrugged. “Well I was happy to be home, but yeah we are happy, very happy actually. I don't think I've ever been this happy before.”

 

Fernando smiled to hear his friend run on. He shook his head.

“This much is clear.”

“It must seem a bit weird to you I guess, us being together after everything?”

Mark thought guiltily of all the times he and his friend had discussed Sebastian in less than positive terms in past years.

Fernando shrugged. “Once perhaps, but after you are friends so much last year, and I learn how much you like him, it does not seem surprising.”

Mark sat back a bit, pleased to hear his friend's acceptance.

 

“We just need to work out what we do next.”

“Next?” Fernando wondered. “You ask him to move back in with you again?”

Mark laughed. “Ah no, I didn't mean that, although, to be honest we pretty much _do_ live together.”

“Oh yes?”

Mark shrugged. No point lying about it; If they slept in the same country, they slept in the same bed. This was how it had been since that very first night and he didn't imagine it would change at any point in the future.

“Yeah, I mean not officially or anything, but in practice. Anyway, what I meant was us deciding to go public or not.”

“Ah, yes. That must be hard. Before I thought you did not want this.”

“It was different before. Now it's the two of us; We just want to be able to be ourselves and go to races without pretending that we're not who we are, that we're not together. It shouldn't have to be that way.”

 

Fernando nodded. “Of course, no I see. Well, perhaps you tell me when you decide?”

“Yeah, sure.” Mark looked at him. “You going to stand up for us?”

“Of course,” confirmed Fernando without hesitation.

Mark shook his head. “You don't need to stick your neck out. I wouldn't ask that.”

“You are not. You are my friend, of course I will support you.”

“And Seb?” Mark raised an eyebrow.

Fernando shrugged. “I support you. I support him if he is with you.”

He shot Mark a sly grin. “This applies only on this of course, on all else it is as it has always been.”

Mark laughed. “So you'll still be moaning that he's exceeded track limits?”

“It was on camera, it is clear in Malaysia too; all four wheels!”

 

Mark shook his head thinking how relentlessly competitive Fernando was, before realising that his friend was teasing him.

“I hope you do not expect to ask me to treat him any different now?” tested Fernando.

“Just don't ram him into a wall. That's all I ask, okay?”

Fernando smiled. “Okay, this much I think I can agree. Although I had no plans to do so before.”

“No, well very good mate. Thank you.”

 

Mark almost started to ask Fernando to promise again that he would not reveal their relationship to anyone, but he didn't need to. He just smiled and made to leave.

“I'd better get back. Good luck tomorrow.”

Fernando stood up with him.

“Sebastian will be waiting for you?” he teased.

Mark nodded.

“He knows you talk to me?”

“Yeah, it's fine, we discussed it. I said we could trust you.”

“And you can, is no problem,” affirmed Fernando.

 

He gave Mark another hug to say goodbye.

“I am glad you are happy Mark. At last, hmm?”

“Took us long enough,” agreed Mark, pleased to know that he had his friend's support.

  


  


  


 

The next day as they waited around for the start of the drivers' parade Sebastian caught Fernando's eye. He wasn't sure whether he ought to speak to him, but seeing his attention, Fernando smiled and nodded at Seb, telling him all he needed to know. Before he had chance to think about it further, the parade was ready to start and the moment had passed. Seb was sure that Mark had been right; they could trust Fernando. Nothing had changed; Off track he was Mark's friend and on track he was Seb's rival, the two things did not have to be in opposition

 

 

 

Mark stood in the garage, tucked away at the back, trying harder than he had in his entire life to repress the emotions he felt. The two Mercedes drivers had touched, battling too closely over a corner and both had been forced to pit for new tyres and ad-hoc adjustments to their cars to enable them to carry on. This had promoted Sebastian's third place dramatically up to the lead with Daniel harrying close behind. Mark was well aware that Seb's team-mate had no intention of playing the obedient rear-gunner, but Dan had his own concerns with the two Williams following and the McLarens behind in order.

 

He anxiously counted down the laps, forced himself not to close his eyes when Sebastian came in to pit for the second time whilst the screens showed Daniel taking over in front. But the pitstop was swift and clean and Daniel also had to pit, as did the others within a few laps, and the order resumed with the two Mercedes drivers now having to attempt to fight their way back through the field.

This worked well enough for the lower half of the grid, but once they reached the faster cars up front, the train of drivers that Mark had thought a threat to Seb now proved his saviours as they had no intention of making life easy for Lewis and Nico trying to get through and they kept them back too long for them to be able to pick their way to the front, with the twisting track providing few over-taking opportunities other than at the end of the main straight.

 

However, just as Mark was starting to relax about the threat from the Mercedes, Seb's own team-mate had closed within the crucial one second allowing use of DRS and with the two drivers on the same strategy and no championship advantage clear, the team were allowing free racing. Mark shook his head internally at the irony. Once he had hated team orders protecting Sebastian, but now he was cursing Christian for failing to give them. He almost laughed; if the press had any any idea what was going on in his head right now they would never believe it.

 

  


Sebastian could see Daniel in his rear mirrors getting dangerously close each time they approached a corner. For half the race now he had known that the only thing holding Dan back was the need to keep his own pursuers behind him. Now his engineer had informed him that Daniel was within DRS range. Lap after lap his team-mate got closer and closer with the added boost, but not quite enough, then as he had to follow in the hot air from Seb's car Dan fell back. It was cat and mouse.

 

Until now Sebastian had had the advantage of not needing to worry about anything in front, but as they approached the end of the race they were getting close to lapping the back-markers. Seb tried his best to sound calm on the radio as he asked the team to tell Charlie to make sure blue flags were shown so that he wasn't impeded.

Last year he had experienced for himself the mildly humiliating moment on track when the flag was shown and you were obliged to do your best to let through the race leaders without slowing them. But it wasn't always easy, even if drivers were trying to obey the order.

 

As they came into the bendy final part of the track, Seb got stuck behind a struggling Lotus with tyres that had given up the ghost. Romain was attempting to stay on track as the car slewed around the curves before he could pit, so there was very little he could do to help Sebastian. By the time he had squeezed past him Sebastian knew that Daniel would be on his gearbox and a quick glance in the mirror showed that to be the case as his team-mate had been allowed through at the same time, while Seb had been forced to slow and wait.

This time as they came into the straight, Daniel was far closer and with the DRS open giving him a speed advantage, Seb was helpless to stop Daniel flying past into T1, cursing him loudly into his helmet and only afterwards hoping that the swearwords had prevented it being broadcast.

 

 

Back in the garage, Mark was having to flex his hands and stare at the screen with ferocity to prevent himself from yelling out as Daniel stole the lead with only five laps left to run. That had to be it, surely? Damn, damn, _damn_.

But on track the action continued; Sebastian was refusing to give up and was hanging onto Daniel despite the fact that running so close behind was costing him performance.

 

With only three laps to go Mark was trying to talk himself into accepting that Seb had run a fantastic race and was showing great spirit in refusing to give in, when Daniel came on the radio saying his tyres were falling away. Trailing Seb for so many laps had overheated the rubber; This plus an already hot track meant they were starting to blister and now Dan was struggling to hold on.

Mark found himself slipping his hand into Britta's as she stood by him. Her eyes were fixed on the screen as his were, but she gave his hand a squeeze. All or nothing now; Two laps, just two laps left.

 

 

Sebastian tried to overtake down the straight, getting almost too close as he used the DRS he now got from running behind Dan to make a lunge for the first turn, but Daniel had saved his one blocking move and Seb had to slow or risk taking them both out.

Dan was fighting all the way. Seb had to admire that. If he'd been in front he would not have allowed anyone a sniff of a chance this close to the end. Dan just had to hang on, hold the racing line and keep the lead for a mere one and a half laps to take the win.

Sebastian knew second would be a solid result; There would be no shame in losing out after a good battle. The team would be thrilled with their first one/two since 2013, but that wasn't enough. He wanted the win.

Mark was watching in the garage and Seb allowed himself for just a second to think how proud Mark would be if he won. He wasn't going to give up, not until the chequered flag. Damnit all he was going to push to the last. Win or lose, at least he'd know he'd given it everything he had.

 

 

Seb glanced in his mirrors and could see no sign of the following cars. They must have fallen back, saving their engines for another day knowing that the two RedBulls were too far in front. So that was one thing he didn't need to concern himself with, just Dan. If he could keep the pressure on, maybe he would push him into a mistake? Sebastian just had to watch out that a mistake didn't take them both out or Christian would lynch the pair of them for risking a fantastic team result.

Just as he thought that, as if on cue their team boss came on the radio warning them not to throw it away, but Seb heard the note; he wasn't telling them not to race, just not to crash.

 

Coming off the middle sector he saw the approaching tight bend at La Caixa; turn 10.

You couldn't overtake there, it was too tight. Only you could. He'd done it last year. It was supposed to be impossible, there wasn't enough room for two cars alongside, but he knew that wasn't true. Maybe he couldn't do it in the same way as he had last year now that he was racing a car that matched his own, but he knew that Daniel's tyres were losing their grip, there was no way he'd be able to take the bend as tightly as he would want to, nor brake as late. Maybe there was another way to get past?

Fuck it. This was racing; the risk, the calculated risk and the accumulated experience of knowing just how hard you could push past the line. He _had_ to try.

 

As Daniel came into the corner he did precisely what Seb expected; he braked sooner, he took the wider line. He had no choice, with not enough grip left it was that or risk spinning the car out onto the asphalt beyond.

Sebastian resisted the urge to close his eyes as he threw the car up the inside of the corner, braked as late as he dared and very nearly locked wheels with Daniel as the pair of them took the corner in parallel. But the inside line was the shorter route, the quicker one, and as they straightened out, Seb sling-shotted in front and pressed on, knowing he had to hold the racing line into the wider next curve and push as hard as he dared before Daniel got another chance to use his DRS once they got back on the start-finish straight.

 

  


Mark hadn't done as well as Sebastian; he'd squeezed his eyes tight shut as he'd seen how close the two RedBulls' wheels were. Britta moved her hand to get his attention by pushing his arm and Mark reopened them to see Seb streaking ahead as Daniel's tyres cried enough. Dan couldn't close up on the straight, even with his DRS open, and Seb was away. He just had to get round. Just finish off one more lap; Less than a minute to go now.

It was the longest minute of Mark's life.

 

It didn't matter that the Mercedes behind had been trading fastest laps as they tried to bully their way through to fight for the final podium place. It didn't matter that the McLarens had swapped places with both Williams cars. There was no more time left. The race was run. The chequered flag fell and Sebastian's car was weaving across the line in celebration as the mechanics sprinted out of the garage to wave over the pitwall to give their salute.

Mark wanted to join them. He wanted to leap up and punch the air. He wanted to run down to Parc Ferme and wait for Seb to park up so he could throw his arms around him the moment he got out of the car and came over.

He wanted to cry that he couldn't do any of these things.

 

Mark held it all in and gave Britta a tight smile before going out of the back of the garage to take some slow deep breaths to compose himself. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly. Why couldn't he do any of those things? Why did the world get to say what they could do? What was wrong with him wanting to show his support for the person he loved? This was torture.

 

He walked back into the garage and found a bottle of water to drink to help settle himself. Britta looked at Mark and asked very quietly if he was alright and he could only nod.

“We're going to the podium. Are you coming?” she asked.

Mark thought for half a second before deciding. Fuck it. He wasn't missing this.

 

 

He walked down to the barriers, burying himself in the crowd of team-members pushing up together to share the moment. A pat on the arm drew his attention and turned to see a grinning Christian by his side.

“Close one,” offered Mark, still aware of all those around him, including many TV cameras.

“Nearly _too_ close,” agreed Christian.

“No wonder I'm losing my hair. Too many years of this,” he added with a wry smile, thinking of all the times it had been Seb and Mark battling it out on track with no quarter given.

His foot had been tapping so fast during those last few laps that Christian had thought he might break the step on the pitwall stool. His heart was still racing long after the cars were not, but then this was what they lived for; the thrill. Moments like this made all the stress worthwhile.

Marko might give him hell later in the debrief, saying he ought to have called off the race and settled for the safe result, but Seb had deserved the same chance Daniel had. His drivers weren't stupid, they knew the game, the risks, the rewards. It had come off, that was all that mattered.

  


Up on the podium the announcer started calling out the race order of the finish and the drivers came out. Seb looked so happy he was practically bouncing. Mark fought to keep his face settled into a reasonably impassive smile, but as they handed out the trophies Seb caught his eye and the two of them were helplessly locked onto one another; Sebastian's beam impossible to resist. Mark was sure he must be giving too much away, his smile in return was only for Seb and no one else; Surely if people looked they would see that?

When the champagne started to be sprayed around Mark was grateful for the interruption and then the crowd behind began chanting Fernando's name, thrilled that he'd made the podium at his home race.

Mark reflected that with Seb, Daniel and Fernando up there, most people would still think that Sebastian was the last person he was supporting. That thought alone made him smile again. They had no idea of the truth.

 

  


  


An hour later Mark was still waiting for Seb to return to his room in the motorhome. Interview after interview, team celebrations and everything else that followed the race, was keeping him busy. Mark had given what he considered the best performance of his life when he'd been stopped by successive television teams asking him his opinion and he'd politely described the race as 'gripping stuff' when he'd really wanted to say 'heart-stopping'.

Mark had spent the last hour listening to his German audio course on his headphones, trying to distract his brain while he killed time waiting. He wasn't sure an awful lot had sunk in, but he was working on the principle that if he kept doing this, eventually some of it would lodge in his recalcitrant mind.

 

When the door finally opened Mark pulled his headphones out and jumped up from his position on the bed to meet Sebastian as he entered the room. Seb only managed to slam the door behind him before flinging himself at Mark with such force he nearly knocked him off his feet.

As Mark regained his balance he wrapped his arms back around Sebastian and lifted him up off the ground, feeling happier than he could remember ever being for any of his own wins. As he set Seb back down they were grinning at each other and then kissing so hard they nearly lost balance again.

 

Mark pulled away, laughing.

“Blimey mate, do I get chance to say well done?”

Sebastian couldn't stop smiling.

“Ah I can't believe it. I won!”

Mark was laughing harder.

“Yeah I noticed. I thought my heart was going to stop on that last over-take.”

“Mine too,” agreed Seb happily. “Ach, oh my god, it was so close. But I just couldn't give up!”

Mark grinned at him and shook his head.

“No giving up, ever,” he concurred.

“Nope.”

 

Sebastian matched his grin and Mark was so lost in thinking how fabulous it was to see those cheeks so round and perfect, that he was taken by surprise as Seb pushed him onto the little bed and started kissing him again as he leaned into him.

Mark was in danger of losing himself to the moment as Seb plainly was and if they weren't careful the two of them would forget where they were and get carried away. He gently pushed Sebastian to sit up.

 

Seb pouted at him which only made Mark laugh at how adorable he looked.

“Thin walls mate,” Mark cautioned.

Sebastian sighed. “Ah, can't we be home already?”

“I wish.”

Seb screwed his eyes tight for a moment and Mark frowned, wondering what he was doing, when Sebastian reopened his eyes and shrugged.

“No. Didn't work.”

Mark laughed at Sebastian teasing him. They could wish all they liked. Seb still had to go back for the debrief and then they had the flight back before they would be home and free to celebrate as fully as they would like to.

 

Sebastian sighed again and settled into Mark's side, leaning his head into his shoulder and looking up at him.

“I'm so glad you're here. I wasn't sure if you'd come to the podium.”

“Of course I came.”

Mark slipped his arm around Seb and gave him a squeeze.

“Wouldn't have missed it for the world mate. You looked great up there.”

He smiled and gave Sebastian a much more chaste kiss on the forehead.

“Right up where you belong on the top step,” Mark continued.

Sebastian pressed himself in tighter and thought he'd never been happier in his entire life.

 

“You should check your phone,” enjoined Mark. “I bet you've got missed calls from your family.”

He suddenly laughed as he realised he ought to take his own advice.

“Actually I bet I've got missed calls off mine too.”

Seb smiled, thinking that was even nicer that Mark's family would be happy for him. Happy for both of them together.

 

“It's been such a long time. I'd nearly forgotten what it felt like. I'd almost started to think I wouldn't do it again,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark gave him a squeeze.

“I knew you would,” he stated.

Seb closed his eyes for a moment thinking how much Mark's faith in him mattered, what a difference it made to restoring his faith in himself.

“Thank you. That means everything, you know?”

“Yeah mate I do,” agreed Mark, remembering how important it had been for him to have Seb with him the previous weekend at his own race even if it hadn't been for the same result.

 

Sebastian nodded and let out a very long sigh.

“Eighteen months.”

“Hmm?” Mark frowned.

“It's almost exactly eighteen months since my last win. All the interviewers kept pointing it out,” explained Seb.

“Right.”

“Brazil.”

Mark's brain finally caught up.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

 

A weight suddenly descended on the pair of them as it was impossible not to remember all that implied: Brazil 2013; Seb's last win; Mark's last race in F1; That night after the race. The night everything changed between them.

 

They didn't speak for a minute. Mark held Seb tight against him, then without consciously deciding to do it, he reached his spare hand over and very gently stroked it over Seb's upper left arm. The place where that awful bruise had been revealed. The irrefutable proof of what Sebastian was going through, what Heikki was doing to him.

Mark stilled his hand, but he couldn't stop himself from thinking back. He thought how much later on he had asked Sebastian what had happened to cause it and how Seb had told him he didn't know. There had been no reason, no cause. Heikki had hurt him just because he could. It was the worst reason of all.

 

Mark spoke softly. “Don't think about that, okay. Don't let it spoil this.”

Sebastian pushed himself up and turned so that he was facing Mark properly.

He shook his head.

“It can't. Nothing could. It's okay Mark.”

Seb placed his hand in Mark's as they sat next to each other.

“That's all in the past. It can't spoil this. I'm just too happy now. Back then I wasn't happy. I could smile on the podium and be pleased that I'd won, but I wasn't happy. Now I feel like nothing can touch me because you're with me.”

 

He smiled at Mark before continuing. “I told them out there that it meant more because it was hard won, the race, you know?”

Mark nodded.

“But what I couldn't tell them was that it meant so much more because you're here to see it. Because you're here with me.”

Seb squeezed Mark's hand.

“That means _everything_ to me.”

Seb puffed a breath, “I just wish I could tell everyone that.”

 

Mark smiled sympathetically. He knew exactly what Sebastian meant. He wanted to go out there and tell the whole world how proud he was of Seb and how proud he was that they were together. He wanted to tell them what an amazing driver Sebastian was, how hard he worked and how much he deserved that win. He wanted the whole world to know just what an incredible person Sebastian was and how lucky he was to be with him. He wanted the whole world to know.

 

“I know,” acknowledged Mark.

 

Mark leant in a little more and rested his forehead against Seb's as they shared their dilemma once again. It wasn't going away. It wasn't getting any easier.

 

They kissed briefly one more time before Seb knew he had to get on. The sooner he grabbed a shower and changed, the sooner he could go back to do the debrief, the sooner they could go home, and god didn't he want to be home.

When they were home they were free. With no one watching, no one listening in. Only there could they be truly themselves, then could they be truly happy.

  


  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned I've broken a stonkingly long chapter up, so the next bit is almost ready to go. Give me the word and I'll get onto getting the final part of this week's work up here...


	40. Mice and Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last part of the super-long chapter.

 

They lay in bed at home the next morning, all alarms switched off after the very late night before, but Mark had woken anyway. Seb was pleasingly still as tangled up with him as he had been when they had fallen asleep the night before; his leg wrapped around Mark's, his body placed half across him. Sebastian's face was resting sideways on his chest, his steady breath tickling the hairs in its path. The weight of Seb lying on him meant that Mark was effectively pinned in place, but there was no way on earth he'd want to move him.

Mark sighed and watched as Sebastian rose and fell with the movement of his chest, almost as much a part of one another now as they had been last night when they had finally got home and had the chance to express just how much they loved each other without worrying about thin walls or anyone seeing them.

His Seb, his lovely Seb; so happy and untroubled and free, for a brief window of time at least.

 

He took another deep breath and tried to let it out slowly so as not to disturb Sebastian. But perhaps it had not been slowly enough as Seb shifted and blinked a few times before lifting up his head to look around and confirm where he was.

Sebastian turned a little more so he could rest his chin down on Mark's chest to look up at him.

“Good morning,” smiled Mark.

Seb grinned back at him. “Morning, and it is a good one.”

“Is it?”

“Mmm.”

Mark softly trailed a hand along Sebastian's back, thinking what a wonderful feeling it was. He was just wondering whether they might move things on a little when Seb moved off him.

 

Mark frowned and Sebastian looked back as he sat up.

“Thirsty,” he explained, taking a drink of water before offering it over to Mark.

Mark sat, accepted the bottle, and seeing as they were up now, he rearranged the pillows behind them as Seb returned the drink to the nightstand. Sebastian settled himself into his side as Mark put his arm around Seb to hold him in.

Both still tired after only a few hours sleep, they sat there contentedly in silence for a while.

 

Mark's mind drifted back to the day before; He felt bad that it hadn't occurred to him until Sebastian pointed it out, that Seb's last win had been all the way back in Brazil. Back then he would never have guessed that the wins that seemed to come so easily to Sebastian would be so hard to attain in future. But then he hadn't really known anything back then. He hadn't known Seb, maybe he hadn't properly known himself.

He'd certainly never have imagined this in their future. But they were different people then, entirely different people. They'd been stood right next to each other on the podium as they had done so many times before, and they hadn't known one another at all. Seb had been so desperately in trouble and Mark had been lonelier than he knew and neither one of them had been quite what they presented to the world, but all that had changed now.

At least it had in some ways. In other ways they were still presenting a false face to the people looking on. Mark had thought they were getting better at managing the difficulty of this, but standing in the garage yesterday during the race, repressing how he really felt for fear of anyone seeing the truth, had been pure torture.

 

Without meaning to, Mark let out a heavy sigh.

Sebastian moved to look at him.

“You alright?”

“Hmm? Yeah, fine.”

Seb frowned at him, knowing something was off.

Mark wanted to erase the frown he saw. He raised up his hand and gently stroked tips of his fingers down the side of Seb's face.

“I'll never stop loving you. Never.”

Sebastian swallowed, struck by the depth of sentiment he heard in Mark's voice.

“I love you too, always,” he returned.

The frown remained though.

“Mark what is it?”

 

Mark paused, not wanting to bring the moment down, but he always wanted to be honest with Seb.

“I was just thinking about yesterday.”

Sebastian nodded. “Okay, _and_...”

He knew somehow it wasn't simply that Mark was happy that he'd won.

Mark gave a little shrug. “Maybe we should talk about it later?”

“Well now I'll just worry about it,” insisted Seb.

 

Mark pulled his hand away and rested back, knowing he had to say what was on his mind.

“It was just hard, you know, hiding how happy we were from everyone. I meant what I said; I wanted to tell everyone, I wanted to _show_ everyone.”

He sighed again. “I just wanted to give you a hug when you got out of the car to say congratulations, you know?”

Sebastian nodded. He really did know.

“I felt the same. It was horrible.”

He shrugged. “I guess the only thing worse would have been you not being there at all.”

 

Mark huffed a little laugh. It was their seemingly eternal dilemma. He gave Seb a little squeeze and they looked at each other for another moment.

“I think we've decided haven't we?” suggested Mark tentatively.

Seb nodded. “Yeah, I think we have.”

He puffed out a breath and slid his arm around in front of Mark so that they were holding onto each other more tightly.

“It'll be okay,” assured Mark.

“Will it?”

“Well no,” Mark admitted, “it'll be hell, but we'll survive. I know we will.”

“It won't tear us apart?” worried Seb.

“No. I won't let that happen. _We_ won't let that happen.”

 

Sebastian nodded, thinking of everything they had been doing to manage the situation and how many people they did at least have backing them.

“Yeah.”

“My dad reckons that if we think it's going to come out, then the best thing is to get in front and make it on our terms.”

“Mm, yeah, I'm sure he's right.”

 

Seb thought for a minute.

“What if we did it just before the summer break, then at least we'd have a gap before we had to go back to racing?”

“Mmm.”

Mark thought for a moment. It wasn't a bad plan.

“You think it's stupid to think the fire will burn itself out in that time?” wondered Seb.

“Hmm? No. Well, optimistic maybe, but it might help let the tabloids get it out of their system a bit. We'd still have to face the paddock press and all the media when we got back, but yeah, it might be better.”

“That would mean we have to stick this out for another two months,” noted Sebastian.

“Yeah, but we'd get through it, and it might help to let the teams get all their ducks in a row.”

“Hmm, I guess two months isn't so very long.”

 

Mark had an idea.

“What if we did that; We go for it and tell people, do whatever the plan is, give a couple of interviews and what have you, and then push off on holiday somewhere?”

Sebastian laughed. “Run away?”

Mark shrugged. “Yeah, why not? Make sure we've done enough to keep the teams happy and that our families are alright and then run away as far as possible where no one can find us?”

“Is there anywhere like that?”

“I dunno, Easter Island? I'll research it.”

Seb laughed again.

“I'm serious,” insisted Mark.

“Yeah alright.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Seb rested his head back and let out a long breath.

“We've really decided.”

“I think we have.”

 

Sebastian moved back in and kissed Mark on the cheek.

“It actually feels good. To have a plan.”

Mark nodded. “Yeah it does.”

He turned and kissed Seb in turn.

“Now we just have to survive the next two months.”

“We can do that,” asserted Sebastian.

“Course we can. Two months is no time.”

 

Sebastian laid his head down against Mark's shoulder. It did feel better; a relief. It was still scary as hell, but a decision felt far more positive than endlessly prevaricating and worrying.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Arriving in Monaco it was odd to think how things had been a year ago. Back then they had had an entirely different set of fears and worries to concern them, but in many ways they had been just as together as they were now. Apart of course from a couple of key details such as the fact that now there was an empty bedroom going to waste next door to Sebastian's in the hotel.

In other ways things were running much the same as last year; Mark had plenty of PR to excuse his presence which kept him occupied and helped distract him from the worry of thinking what people thought about him being there. Although now that they had spoken to their respective teams about their decision it actually made them somewhat less anxious as they knew that they only had to keep this up for a little longer.

They were also helped by the fact that the Monaco Grand Prix's high profile actually helped lift the burden of attention; It attracted so many famous hangers-on that an ex-driver being about the place was hardly of any interest to the media when they had film stars and musicians and all the rich movers and shakers wandering about the place deliberately seeking the attention Mark and Seb were only too happy to avoid.

 

 

 

They fulfilled Jenson's request that they join him for a drink and Mark paid off his 'blackmail' debt by buying him what Mark jokingly maintained appeared to be a selection of household detergents poured into a glass and Jenson insisted equally forcefully was what passed for a sophisticated cocktail in Monte Carlo.

Mark stuck to a much safer bottle of beer and Sebastian didn't care how much his friend teased him for only drinking water despite the fact that it was the Thursday night and he wasn't driving the next day due to the event's curious schedule allowing a day off. It was fun to have a night out and watch the swirling crowd of people who were more interested in being looked at than actually enjoying themselves, but neither Mark nor Sebastian had any desire to stay out late and they were back at the hotel long before midnight.

 

 

Walking along the corridor from the lift they bumped into a couple of RedBull team-members returning from their own night out and Mark had no choice but to go into his own room for a few minutes before opening the door to check that the coast was clear so he could go into Seb's room next door.

 

When he walked in Seb was sat on the bed, helplessly giggling.

“Oh god, your face!” teased Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “Don't pretend you weren't alarmed too. Another minute and they'd have seen me walking in here with you and then what would we have said?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Late night game of Ludo?”

“ _Ludo?_ Is that what we're calling it now?” dead-panned Mark.

 

This only caused Seb to laugh harder and Mark couldn't resist; he went over and tickled his side, reducing Sebastian to a heap on the bed.

Mark left off teasing him and lay down beside Seb.

 

“Actually I think we've been very lucky that no one ever seems to see us coming and going,” noted Mark.

“Hmm, yeah I guess. I suppose most of the rest of the team are running different schedules.”

“While you as a driver swan in late and then just hop in the car to drive around.”

Seb laughed. “Yep, that's exactly how it works as you well know.”

Mark shook his head at their silliness.

 

“You know I was thinking yesterday that it's almost strange that no one has said anything about me being about so much,” commented Mark.

“Here you mean?” wondered Seb.

“No, just generally in the garage and stuff, I mean you know what mouths the boys have on them most of the time,” Mark explained.

 

It was a little bit odd that none of the mechanics Mark had known for so long had made a point of it. They were always friendly, even if they were busy with the important tasks they had in hand, but they never questioned Mark's presence.

 

“Maybe they just forget you're not really meant to be there anymore?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh. “You mean I should watch out for them ushering me into one of the cars on Saturday?”

Sebastian laughed at the image of Mark being pressed into service against his will.

“Maybe they think I've got a problem and I just can't get over the fact that I'm supposed to have left?” proposed Mark, only half-joking.

“That would be a bit tragic,” teased Seb.

“Hmm,” agreed Mark. “Actually I wonder if I've just sort of blended into the background and they don't even notice I'm there anymore?”

“I notice that you're there,” insisted Seb, leaning over to give Mark a little thank you kiss.

Mark smiled. “Course, anyway it's good if it's not a big deal.”

 

Mark sat up.

“I'm going to clean my teeth. Long day of thrilling PR stuff to get through tomorrow.”

Sebastian stayed laid out on the bed looking up at him.

“Hmm, I think we'll practically be captives out on the floaterhome all day,” agreed Seb.

“You're still calling it that? Honestly?”

 

Mark shook his head in mock despair and leant over Seb, looking at him with a stern face.

“If you're doing that all day tomorrow I'm going to have to stop talking to you.”

Seb scrunched up his face and pouted.

“You wouldn't?”

Mark tickled his side again.

“Well, _maybe_ not.”

Seb writhed away from the touch but used the movement to grab a hold of his arm and pulled Mark down on top of him.

“You're so cruel.”

Mark grinned at him. “I am not. I know you only call it that to wind me up.”

Sebastian smiled a little guiltily.

“Don't know what you mean?” he tried to look innocent.

 

Mark gave up, knowing how hopeless it was to resist Seb looking like that. He gave Sebastian a light pinch on his side making Seb jump beneath him.

“Monster,” Mark teased, softening it with a kiss before pushing himself up.

He turned back to Sebastian.

“Right, I don't know about you but I need to get some sleep ready for a hard day's work on the _floaterhome_.”

Mark walked off into the bathroom grinning to himself.

 

 

 

 

 

The next day wasn't in truth all that taxing. Both Mark and Sebastian were kept busy working on behalf of RedBull; Entertaining sponsors, doing promotional work and giving interviews. Mark slipped into the role easily enough again having done this for so many years and having the advantage of knowing most of those involved. Every now and then he managed to catch Seb's eye when they were both in the same area and sent him a secret smile that Seb returned, both wondering how long it might be until they were done and they might be able to spend a little time alone in Seb's room or at least get a coffee or some lunch together.

 

Christian thought he was actually pretty fortunate to have some extra help on such an important weekend in the sport. Mark was still so popular that no one ever seemed disappointed to get him rather than one of the current drivers for the team. Indeed Christian suspected that some of the less knowledgeable guests didn't even realise that Mark no longer drove for them. Even Helmut had admitted to him that having Mark about the place was useful, which was quite a concession when he usually seemed to think that Mark represented a complication that they could do without.

 

 

 

 

 

Everything in Monaco was so busy and packed with people and activity going on that despite the extended weekend, time flew by. Before they knew it, it was Sunday; Race day. All the flummery surrounding the event fell away and the serious business of racing came to the fore.

 

 

As he climbed into the car, Seb gave Mark one last look and got a reassuring smile in return. He pulled on his helmet and absorbed the last bits of information from his engineers as they ducked down by his side before the time came and he lowered the visor, pulled out of the garage and headed out for the start, settled with the knowledge that he was supported, whatever the result of the day might be.

Mark adjusted his headset and listened to Christian running through a few final items with both drivers. There wasn't a whole lot of room in the cramped old Monaco garages, but they'd managed to find a place for him at the back where he now stood, once again with Britta for company, ready to endure watching the race unfold.

 

 

Sebastian sat on the grid in fourth position. Second row wasn't bad. Indeed this season it was already regarded as RedBull's expected place behind the still dominant Mercedes, but Sebastian had been a little disappointed not to have beaten Daniel in qualifying, if only by one spot, particularly after his success in the previous race.

Given the near impossibility of overtaking on the narrow streets here, progression through the field was going to be incredibly difficult unless he got lucky with their race strategy or someone else was unlucky with pit-stops or some other calamity. Seb knew he just had to remain calm, concentrate on getting a decent start and not get into trouble at the notoriously dangerous Sainte Devote first corner.

 

Sebastian had sat with Mark in his room in the period of quiet before everything kicked off for the day. They had talked though his approach for the race; Stay focussed, don't do anything stupid, make the most of superior downforce capabilities of the car on the twisty circuit and be grateful that the improved reliability of the Renault engine this year that meant he shouldn't have any kind of nightmare like the year before. Sebastian hadn't really needed advice and Mark knew that. He just needed him to be there, to listen and to back him up.

 

 

 

Mark watched the start on screen and didn't let out a breath until Seb made it though the first corner safely and the cars started making their way up the hill to the casino. He puffed out the deep breath and smiled at Britta, getting a little nod in return as they both appreciated the minor miracle of the whole field surviving the start unscathed.

You could never really truly relax watching a race when you cared so much about the outcome. But at least today the weather was dry, removing one variable from the equation, and whilst the possibility for chaos to unfold at any moment remained ever present, for now things seemed to be running smoothly.

Mark reflected that Monaco was doing it's thing; The rule was the race here either went one of two ways: It either exploded into pandemonium every five minutes, giving Formula One a thrilling spectacle for all the casual viewers that dropped in for the blue riband event of the sport, or the restraints of the circuit left the field trapped into a processional train of cars going round and round, lap after lap; the drivers either too cautious, or too wise to attempt a move on the car in front with the streets too narrow and the walls too close. The bravest and the best drivers in all of the sport had often lost out here by trying to prove too much.

 

 

 

After nearly an hour, Mark found himself being lulled into a mild torpor by the uneventful race unfolding on the screen above him. The warm weather and the heat of the garage didn't help and he was already starting to think about how nice it would be for them to get home to a cooler England, snuggled up in their own bed tonight.

This weekend hadn't been too bad all told. No matter what the result, Seb seemed happy and it wasn't proving as hard as it might have to do what they needed to get through the couple of months like this as they had now agreed with the team and all concerned. It would be the summer break before they knew it at this rate.

 

Mark took a sip from his water bottle and started to finally loosen up, letting the laps count down; two-thirds of the way through now. But he should have remembered the other rule of Monaco: Just when you think everything is settled and safe, drama can literally be around the next corner.

 

 

 

Sebastian was also guilty of allowing himself to settle into too safe a feeling.

The pit-stops had gone smoothly, the car was running fine. He was banging through the laps one after another, driving around metronomically through the classic features of the street-circuit he knew so well;

Through Saint Devote; Up to Casino; Along Mirabeau Haute; Around the hairpin; Down Mirabeau Bas into Portier; then _woosh,_ through the dark tunnel and out into the bright light again, adjusting your eyes as fast as possible ready to slink left/right through the chicane almost kissing the outside wall to get the perfect line and then along by the harbour, paying no attention to all the super-yachts full of well-heeled revellers lined up to the side.

 

The Mercedes were away and gone. Daniel was too far ahead to challenge at the moment. In the same car with essentially the same set-up, a variation in strategy hadn't been enough to get him in front and there was no point doing something reckless around here even if he could get close enough to attempt something. So all Seb could do was keep up a steady pace, see if he could close the gap now that he was on fresh tyres and maybe just maybe, see if there was a chance to fight for the podium before the end of the race.

 

Sebastian's engineer came on the radio telling him that there was a safe gap behind him, but back-markers were coming up in front. He had to negotiate his way through them as fast as possible if he wasn't to lose time and throw away any opportunity to gain on his team-mate.

 

Unfortunately around here that was easier said than done. Seb could see the lapped Sauber in front as he approached the end of straight coming into Tabac corner.

It was a bit mistimed: Too late to take him now. Sebastian thought blue flags should allow him to get by either going into or coming out of the swimming pool section. At the very worst he should be past around Rascasse and then he could get a bit of speed up along the start-finish straight and again up Beau Rivage and see if he couldn't take some of that gap back from Dan.

Sebastian was busy thinking through all this in the couple of seconds it took to close up on the car in front. He had enough time to see the helmet of the driver and realise that it was Ericsson's Sauber ahead. Seb slowed for the corner, braking and dropping down through the gears, thinking he was allowing plenty of space for the car ahead to do the same whilst at the same time listening to the relayed message on the radio telling him that the blue flags were already out in front, ready for him to take his opportunity to get past after this.

 

 

What he couldn't know was that Ericsson's Sauber was rapidly developing a problem with his brakes. Marcus was on the radio yelling for help from his team, but it was too late for RedBull to tell Sebastian this as the corner hoved into view.

 

Marcus stamped on his brakes as hard as he could to prevent himself ploughing straight on. But the suddenness of the move completely surprised Seb and even with his superior machinery he had no chance to stop himself running into the car in front.

 

Seb's front right wheel brushed Marcus's rear left, flipping the front of his car up off the ground by several feet and making Sebastian a passenger on his way to a now unavoidable accident.

The Sauber slewed off balance but somehow carried on taking the bend as Ericsson fought to keep control. Sebastian's Redbull landed back down with a bang and the momentum he had carried coming into the corner caused the back end to slide out, slamming hard into the Armco wall, completely dislodging the rear-wing of the car and destroying the suspension in the process.

Sebastian had no time to think. All he could do was instinctively react in the way he had been trained to; let go of the steering wheel and brace for impact. He didn't panic, there was no time for that and he'd crashed too many times before over the years to know that didn't help. Once it was out your control you couldn't fight it, you had to let it happen and then reassess how bad the result was when physics had done their worst.

 

He'd been ready for the hit into the Armco and the rebound back onto the track. What Seb hadn't been prepared for was the following Williams of Massa clipping his damaged rear-wing that was by now half hanging off, as he tried to squeeze past too quickly despite the yellow flags.

The semi-detached part of the car broke off completely and flicked around in the air, bouncing off the upper bodywork and glancing the top of Seb's helmet before falling to the ground in a shower of carbon-fibre and metal.

 

The whole incident had seemed to occur in slow-motion, but in reality only seconds had passed since Sebastian had been calmly thinking about blue flags.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in his mangled car in a state of shock. First his engineer, and then Christian in turn, came on the radio asking if he was hurt, but he was too stunned to hear them. His brain was reeling from the speed with which everything had just happened and he had a slight ringing in his ears which Seb tried to ignore as he attempted to focus.

The engine was still running and the instruments on his steering wheel were still alight although they were now flashing errors. He pressed the accelerator experimentally as another few cars found their way past him around the bend, and checking his mirrors, managed to get the car going to straighten up and carry on.

 

The accident had happened far too fast for Seb to properly appreciate how badly his car was damaged and the shock of the incident meant he wasn't thinking clearly. All he could do was work on automatic pilot, do what came naturally: Keep on going, drag the car back to the garage and see if they could fix it in the pits so he could carry on in the race.

 

As Sebastian hauled the car around the final part of the lap to the mercifully relatively close pits he couldn't see the damaged rear suspension sparking up the track behind him as the underside of the car scraped along the asphalt. He still couldn't hear the engineer bellowing in his ear telling him not to destroy the car any further, telling Seb to pull up and stop where he could on the side. He didn't even hear Christian in his ear asking him once again to please confirm that he was alright and then report pointlessly that the radio must be broken.

 

 

Only a few more seconds passed before Seb was around La Rascasse and into the pitlane, pulling up in RedBull's spot in front of the garage without having to think about where he was or what he was doing.

Suddenly there were mechanics swarming around him, inspecting the damage to the car and one of them was right in his face trying to indicate to him to raise his visor so he could speak to him.

Sebastian was breathing heavily as everything caught up with him. There was another mechanic in his eye-line crossing his hands in front of him indicating that damage to the car was far too much and his race was run.

Before he knew it the car was up on the jacks, a trolley being put underneath him and the car was being pushed into the garage.

 

 

 

He took a deep breath and finally managed to pull up his visor with hands he didn't even realise were shaking. Some part of his brain accepted that he was done and that he should get out of the car, but he couldn't seem to move. Sebastian concentrated on taking some deep breaths to pull himself together, but he failed to realise that his not moving was causing more alarm for those around him in the garage.

 

The imposing form of Big Nige, the burly technician and stalwart of the RedBull garage appeared in his view, asking again if he was alright and trying to get a response as Sebastian blinked a few times and then finally gained enough control of his faculties to pull his helmet off.

 

Seb stared at the helmet in his hands, looking at the scrape damaging the painted design on top and wondered how that had happened. He hadn't felt a thing.

Sebastian still hadn't spoken a word, or made any kind of move to get out of the car, so Nige took the helmet from his hands and set it down on the top of car. Seb managed to remove his Hans device and moved his head to check for himself he was okay.

Sebastian removed the steering wheel and started to try to push himself up out of the car, but his arms weren't operating correctly and he felt ridiculously weak. Nigel asked him if he needed a hand and Seb shook his head, but his arms wouldn't do the job and he sank back down into the seat.

 

Without warning Seb found himself being hauled up out of the car by his epaulettes and set down on the floor of the garage as he found his feet.

He blinked again and looked up at Nigel, trying to muster enough sense to mumble thanks, before he was gone and another person was in front of him, a hand under his chin, looking at him closely with shocked concern.

Mark. Oh god it was _Mark._ Relief flooded through Sebastian as he stood there. He still couldn't quite respond to Mark's frantic inquiry asking if he was okay, he simply continued acting on instinct and so did the most natural thing he could think of and threw his arms around Mark's neck.

 

 

 

Mark didn't think he'd breathed or blinked in the few horrific minutes since he'd watched powerless as Seb's accident had unfolded on screen. Minutes that felt like hours as he clamped onto Britta's hand, praying that Seb answer the increasingly urgent radio calls asking if he was okay.

When nothing came through, Mark had stood there feeling sick to the pit of his stomach, but as Seb carried on he knew he just had to wait, wait, wait, until he came back around to the safety of the garage and he could know if Sebastian was really alright.

 

 

  
As Mark felt Sebastian's arms go around his neck he closed his eyes and breathed out, letting go of the terror he'd been fighting. Mark felt the weight Seb was putting on him and shot his arms back around to support him, resting his forehead down against Sebastian's and thanking god that he was okay, he was okay, he was okay.

Both their hearts were pounding too hard. Nothing around them seemed important other than the fact that they were close to one another. Mark moved his head back and tried asking Seb once again if he was alright, finally gaining a tight nod confirming that he was.

A flush of adrenaline mixed with spent fear and sudden relief ran through the pair of them.

Mark only had time to let out a heart-felt “Thank _Christ”_ before they kissed so hard it nearly unbalanced Seb once more despite their tight grip on one another. Nothing else existed except the relief that Seb was back in one piece and safe with Mark.

 

 

They pulled apart needing to breathe, and all of a sudden reality slammed home.

The pin-drop silence that had descended on the garage was broken by a small dull thud, catching their attention.

Mark and Sebastian finally separated and both looked in the direction of the noise.

 

The sound had come from a microphone landing on the floor, dropped from Ted Kravitz's hand as he let go of it in stunned amazement at the sight in front of him. His jaw gaped open, and like everyone around him, he was frozen in place as the entire garage stilled in a tableau of shock.

Mark and Seb stared, first at the reporter stood at the entrance, and then more importantly at the FOM television cameraman by his side, filming the garage. Both Sebastian and Mark drew in sharp breaths as the realisation hit them:

 

The entire scene had been broadcast live on the world feed.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

_**To A Mouse – Robbie Burns (exert)       -      Trans** _

 

_But Mousie, thou art no thy lane,                        But Mousie, you are not alone_  
_In proving foresight may be vain:                       In proving that foresight may be vain:_  
_The best laid schemes o' mice an' men               The best laid plans of mice and men_  
_Gang aft agley,                                                  Go oft awry,_  
_An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,                 And leave us nothing but grief and pain_  
_For promis'd joy!                                                Instead of promised joy!_

_Still thou are blest, compared wi' me!                Still, you are blessed, compared with me!_  
_The present only toucheth thee:                       Only this moment touches you:_  
_But och! I backward cast my e'e,                       But oh! I backward cast my eye,_  
_On prospects drear!                                         On prospects turned to sadness!_  
_An' forward, tho' I canna see,                            And though forward I cannot see,_  
_I guess an' fear!                                                I guess and fear!_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eastenders style 'duff, duff, duff, duff de-de, duff duff'...


	41. Reeling Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is another two-part chapter as unsurprisingly there's a lot of reaction coming up...

  
  


Seb and Mark stared at the camera in horror, realising what they had just unwittingly revealed to the world in their moment of weakness. Sebastian's mouth fell open and he grabbed at Mark's arm.

The movement woke Mark up and he let out a still shocked, “Oh _fu_...”

The television feed rapidly cut away to show the train of cars slowly following behind the safety car while the accident debris was cleared from the track.

  
  


Watching at home, viewers were reeling from the image that had just been broadcast.

On the BBC David Coulthard was giggling hysterically in reaction to seeing something he could hardly believe between two people he _thought_ he knew. Over on Sky, Crofty could only sit in stunned silence. If the camera in the commentary booth had been switched on it would have shown his partner Martin Brundle whalloping him on the arm to try to pull him back as he attempted to continue in a professional manner.

“Well. _Quite_... There's something you don't see every day... Meanwhile back with the action on track, it seems the safety car is due to stay out for a few more laps and then we'll see if the rest of the race can prove equally exciting...”

But few were listening as televisions world-wide were being rewound as people effected their own action-replay to be sure they hadn't just imagined what they had seen.

 

The internet lit up.

Twitter melted.

 

Over in the media centre the mobile phone signal jammed as every accredited journalist in the principality tried to call their bosses at once.

  
  


 

Back in the garage Mark's dismayed curse was drowned out as the whole place suddenly erupted in noise; Cheering, calling out, whistles, laughter, applause.

Mark and Sebastian looked about them in renewed shock trying to comprehend what was going on. They barely had to time to register the largely positive nature of the reaction from the team before Britta was by them, practically hauling them out the back.

As they exited the rear of the building, Mark could have sworn he heard one of the mechanics call out across the garage.

“Oi Dave! That's fifty quid you owe me.”

  
  


 

 

As they stumbled out of the exit into the narrow service lane behind the pit complex, Mark and Sebastian gasped in the fresh air and leaned against the wall for a moment trying to gather themselves.

Britta stood in front of the pair with her head in her hands. She tried to speak, but all she could do was look up at the two and shake her head in dismay.

 

“Oh my god. Oh god, what were you _thinking?”_ she finally managed.

Seb still wasn't sure he could speak.

Mark looked just as dumbfounded, but as he leant his head back against the wall behind him he responded.

“We _weren't.”_

He turned to Sebastian by his side and placed a hand back on his arm.

“Are you alright?” Mark checked again.

“I, I don't know,” stammered Sebastian.

 

Mark pulled an empty crate over and sat Seb down on it, crouching in front of him and placing his hands in Seb's as they rested on his knees.

“Just take a minute, okay?” Mark entreated, still looking at him with concern.

 

He looked at Britta who was about to suggest that they should get back to the RedBull base as fast as possible when her phone buzzed.

 

“Yeah, no I'm with them. We're out back... They're okay I think... No I don't think so. I think he might be in shock. Okay... Yeah send him down.”

 

She hung up.

“Christian,” she explained. “Don't worry, it's fine.”

Britta looked to the stairway leading from the upper gantry where the pitwall operations ran in Monaco and a clatter of steps announced the arrival of Christian and Dr. Phillips who had been stuck in a small office up there.

Christian stopped as he got close to them, glancing up and down the access road to be sure no one was about. He put his hand on Seb's shoulder and looked in at both him and Mark.

 

“Seb are you okay?”

Sebastian turned and looked up at him.

“I umm, yeah, yeah I'm alright.”

“Doc?”

Christian turned to Doctor Phillips who moved in to check Seb. He dipped down by his side and reached inside his bag as Mark moved up out of the way.

“Couldn't you hear us? On the radio, you weren't answering.” Christian inquired.

Seb swallowed. “Hmm? No, I, no I couldn't. I don't know what happened. Ericsson. He just stopped dead. I didn't have a chance. There was nothing I could do.”

Christian shook his head. “Don't worry about that now. It's fine. We just need to know you're okay. Doc?”

“Yeah.”

Dr. Phillips got out a pen light and switched it on.

“Seb I need you to look at this for me. Just follow its movements, alright?”

 

Sebastian did as he was instructed, following with his eyes the little light the doctor moved up and down then side to side, looking at his pupils and checking his reactions.

Christian stood by Mark's side, placing a reassuring hand on his arm.

“Mark are _you_ okay?”

“Me? Yeah. No. I mean, yeah I'm fine. Sorry. Oh god. I'm sorry Christian I don't know what just came over us,” Mark floundered.

Christian puffed out a heavy breath.

“You had a scare. It's okay, don't panic. We'll handle it, alright.”

He looked over at the team doctor checking on Sebastian.

“How's he looking doc?”

 

Dr. Phillips put away his light and starting running through a few more checks.

“Seb can you tell me where we are?”

Sebastian frowned at him asking such a stupid question.

“We're in Monaco, for the race.”

“And what day is it?”

“Sunday.” Of course it was Sunday. Races were always on Sundays.

“Okay. Good. Do you know what just happened?”

 

Seb glanced up at Mark and thought he knew only too well what had just happened; they'd just behaved like brainless idiots and screwed up all their careful plans.

 

“I mean in the race,” clarified the doctor. “Do you remember the crash?”

“Oh. Yeah, Marcus pretty much stopped right in front of me and I hit him. I couldn't do anything to stop it.”

Dr. Phillips nodded.

“Did you feel something strike your head?”

“My head?” Sebastian wasn't sure what he meant.

“It appeared as though your helmet might have been hit by a large piece of debris,” explained the doctor.

“Oh. What? No I don't think so.”

Seb paused. “There was a scrape on my helmet,” he backtracked, feeling confused.

 

Mark stepped in and stood by Seb, putting his hand on his shoulder, feeling ill again at the reminder of the close call Sebastian had.

“On your helmet?” asked Christian, sounding alarmed.

“I didn't feel anything. Everything was moving too fast, it was a blur. I didn't even realise,” explained Seb. “It can't have really properly hit me.”

The doctor looked at him closely again.

“You've no pain of any kind? You don't feel dizzy or sick?”

Sebastian shook his head. “No, I'm okay. I'm just... I just feel a bit shaky.”

He looked up at Mark. “I'm alright, really,” he emphasised, not wanting to worry him.

 

Dr. Phillips looked at him once more.

“No pain anywhere else?”

Seb shook his head again.

 

The doctor stood up from his impromptu examination.

“Okay. I think you're just shaken up. The alarm didn't go off in the car.”

He referred to the g-force monitor in the car that measured whether a driver had suffered too extreme an impact and required mandatory precautionary treatment after an accident.

“I couldn't have been going that fast, I was already slowing for the corner,” noted Sebastian.

Mark closed his eyes for a moment, grateful for the fact that the constraints of the Monaco street circuit meant that cars couldn't reach the high speeds the achieved on other tracks.

The doctor nodded.

“You're very lucky. I don't think you need to go to the medical centre unless you'd prefer to. I can come and give you another check-up once you've had time to recover a bit. You may have some bruising or stiff joints from the crash, but other than that I think you've just had a close shave.”

 

Just about all of them let out a relieved breath at once to hear the diagnosis. Mark squeezed Seb's shoulder.

Christian looked at Britta and she nodded at him, knowing he needed her to take control. He regarded his driver perched in front of him.

“Okay. Seb I'm very glad you're alright. I have to get back up there and see things through for Dan to the end of the race. Till then I need you to go back to the barge and wait for me. Don't talk to anyone on the way. Don't answer your phone unless you know it's your family calling. Just wait and we'll sort things out. Alright?”

 

Seb swallowed and nodded.

“Mark?” checked Christian.

“Yeah. Okay I'll take him back. We'll be alright,” assured Mark.

“Britta will go with you,” instructed Christian.

He looked back at her.

“Don't leave them until they're in Seb's room. I'll call through and get security stepped up. They talk to _no one,_ ” he ordered.

“Got it. We'd better go before people work out where we are,” she warned.

 

Dr. Phillips looked at both Sebastian and Mark. He pulled out a card with his number on from his bag.

“I'll check in later, but if you start feeling ill; dizzy, sick, headache, whatever, call me right away or get yourself down to medical. You know where that is?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark replied.

“It's right near the barge. We know, okay?”

He wanted to get Seb back as soon as possible.

 

The doctor nodded assent and handed Sebastian the card to make sure he had his number. He regarded Mark for a moment and the protective stance he was placed in, standing over Sebastian. He had known already from the medical file that recorded him as Seb's next of kin that their relationship had developed from that which he had already witnessed last year, so he had no hesitation in addressing Mark.

“Keep an eye on him. Shock can have delayed effects, okay?”

“I will,” agreed Mark.

“I'll come over once the race is finished,” repeated Dr. Phillips.

Christian gave Britta another firm look and she nodded, knowing that he was relying on her to hold the line until the race finished and he could join her to work out what they were going to do. He looked back over to see Mark giving Sebastian a hand to stand up.

“You'd better get going. Stay calm, we'll handle things. Okay?” he reassured again, trying to sound much calmer than he himself actually felt.

  
  


 

Mark, Sebastian and Britta set off in the direction of the RedBull base. Mark holding onto Seb's arm and Britta sandwiching him on the other side.

Britta's mind was already racing through their plans, adjusting them to fit the changed circumstances, anticipating the media reaction and praying that the fact that the race was still going on would mean that she could get the pair safely onto the barge and stashed out of danger in Seb's room before they were inundated.

 

The trio walked the length of the access road to the end of the pits and then over to the other side. They passed plenty of people who looked at them but didn't approach the group. Britta thought that the fact these people were wandering about clearly not concentrating on the race while it still ran, probably meant that they had no idea what they had missed.

She was just starting to think that they might get away with it when they got close to the RedBull floating base docked at the quay and she saw the scrum of people standing at the walkway to get on. She didn't need to get near them to realise that they were media waiting to pounce.

Britta turned to the pair by her side and reminded them.

“Just ignore whatever they say. Don't respond to anything, okay? We'll just get onboard and security will keep them off, so don't worry about it.”

Seb nodded and Mark answered for them. “Got it.”

 

As they approached the barge the crowd spotted them and streamed over, cameras flashing, questions shouted. Mark tightened his grip on Seb's arm and propelled them forwards through the swarm towards the gang-plank and the relative safety of the barge.

Sebastian couldn't pick out what any of the journalists were saying as the din overwhelmed him. He held his breath and pressed on, trying not to make eye-contact with any of them and felt immensely grateful for the contact with Mark as he held onto him and made him feel protected.

Britta caught the eye of the two heavy-set security guards at the entrance and slipped behind Mark and Seb to make sure they got on okay. As the two succeeded in getting onboard she stood in the path of the pursuing media and held up a hand.

“Nothing now. So don't ask.”

She regarded them all with a flinty stare and two dozen sets of shoulders slumped as they saw that they had been waiting in vain. Britta had reputation for being firm but fair. Right now though she had a look in her eye that was tougher than the imposing implied threat offered by the hefty security guards stood behind her and the assembled press stepped back, accepting that for now they were out of luck.

  
  


  
  


Once on the barge it was easy enough for them to get back to Sebastian's room. They got plenty of stares from the guests onboard, but no one dared go up to them.

 

Britta shut the door behind them and Mark and Seb sat down on the bed together. Sebastian was breathing heavily and Mark felt sick. He looked over at Seb and sighed.

“Oh god. What the fuck have we done?”

Sebastian looked pale and Mark felt even worse. He wrapped his arms tightly around Seb and held him close for a minute while Britta pretended she wasn't in the room, checking her phone that had exploded silently with missed calls and messages.

Mark took a steady breath, knowing that he had to hold it together. Seb needed his support when so much of this was about to fall on him, and for all they knew he was still in shock from the crash.

 

He moved away to look at Seb again; He breathing too heavily and Mark didn't like the look of him at all, his skin appeared waxy and he was staring at the floor.

Mark took Seb's hand and squeezed it.

“It's going to be okay. Alright?”

He looked at Seb carefully and made sure he had his attention as he spoke.

“Just take slow breaths, slow breaths okay.”

Seb took some steadying breaths and closed his eyes for a moment trying to draw on everything he'd learned about keeping himself steady and not allowing panic to overrun him.

After a minute he looked back up at Mark, hardly realising how tightly he'd been holding onto his hand.

“All those people...”

Seb tried not to sound like a child, but the scrum had frightened him as it hinted at all the chaos and disruption that was now coming their way.

 

Mark looked at Britta who stepped in.

“The race is still on. They've got nothing better to do right now. You did good.”

She puffed a breath out before continuing. “Okay. Everything's going to be fine. We've got a plan. We've prepared for this.” She was partly reassuring herself. “So we just bring the plan forward. No need to panic. Alright?”

Sebastian nodded as Mark squeezed his hand again.

“Right. I need to make some calls. Stay here and let me get a handle on things. Do you need anything?” she asked.

“No I don't think so. Mark?” Seb checked.

“No we're fine.”

“Good. Okay give me a little time. You should call your families.”

Britta paused before adding. “I know it's not great to have to say this, but please ask them not to speak to anyone. I'll talk to them later on if that's okay?”

They both nodded and she left the room, carefully shutting the door behind her.

  
  


The minute she was gone Seb dropped his head down onto Mark's shoulder.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“I'm sorry,” apologised Mark.

Sebastian pulled himself together a bit and looked at him.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I kissed you.”

“I kissed you too.”

Mark shook his head.

“You'd just got out of the car. You hit your head. You were in shock. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have gone over, I should have waited till we were alone.

“No. I needed you. I needed you right then. I was so glad you were there I just forgot myself.”

He let out a dry huff.

“We both did. Oh god Seb, I'm sorry, but I was so fucking scared. When you crashed I couldn't breathe. I thought that debris was going to hit it you. It was flying right at your head.”

Mark's voice cracked.

“It _did_ hit you. If there's damage on your helmet it must have done.”

He swallowed hard trying to contain himself.

“An inch lower, a fraction of an angle and...”

 

Mark couldn't finish the sentence. The idea was too much to contemplate. Who knew how fast the piece of metal was going when it ricocheted towards Sebastian? How hard it would have hit him and what could the consequences have been if the strike had been full on rather than glancing?

 

Mark shook his head slowly and pushed out a breath.

“I've never been so fucking terrified in my entire life, and then you weren't answering when everyone was asking if you were okay.”

“I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking right. I was just on automatic pilot. I knew I had to get back,” explained Sebastian.

“You couldn't hear the radio?” wondered Mark again.

Seb shook his head slightly. “I don't think so. It was like there was a ringing in my head and nothing seemed quite real, like I was in a dream.”

“I don't really remember driving back,” he admitted.

 

Mark looked worried.

“You don't remember?”

Sebastian hesitated before answering. “Not properly. It's kindof blurry. The whole thing, from the moment everything went wrong until I was out of the car and you were there, and I was just so glad that you were there.”

He suddenly felt like crying, not sure if it was from the shock of the accident, or the mistake he and Mark had made when their guard was down, or the realisation at the consequences that were imminent.

Mark took a hold of Sebastian again and he found refuge in his arms, comfort in the warmth of Mark's body pressed against his own. Seb breathed him in like it was a drug; soothing and calming him, letting him know that he was alright, that he was safe and that he wasn't alone.

 

Mark could feel Sebastian trembling and he wasn't sure if it was from fear or shock. Mark kept a firm hold of him. Even through all the layers of his protective driving suit, Mark could feel Seb's heart racing. Seb saying he couldn't remember worried Mark, but he surely couldn't have concussion or Dr. Phillips would never have let him go. It must just be shock. He'd suffered not dissimilar consequences after accidents he himself had had in the past. Seb would be okay. It could have been so much worse.

 

As he felt Sebastian steady he gave him a squeeze and then let go. Mark placed his hands either side of Seb's face and looked at him.

“You're okay, that's all that matters. It's the _only_ thing that matters to me. Whatever happens, that's all I care about.”

He kissed Seb and they rested their foreheads together for another moment before pulling apart.

Mark got up and fetched a couple of bottles of water from the little fridge in the corner, passing one to Seb, and they both sipped their drinks for a bit while they pulled themselves together.

  
  


 

Seb put the cap back on his bottle and pushed out another slow breath.

Mark still wasn't happy.

“Seb are you sure you're okay?”

Sebastian nodded.

“You don't have a headache or anything?”

“No. I just feel like we've stepped off the edge of cliff though,” Seb admitted.

Mark gave a small smile back and put his arm around him.

“It's going to be okay. Like Britta said; We've made plans, the teams are ready, they'll handle it.”

“All that press,” started Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “That was always going to happen. This is just... bad timing.”

He sent Seb a wry smile, but Sebastian looked too serious so he squeezed him again.

“I'm sorry alright? I'm really sorry.”

Seb shook his head. “No don't do that okay? It was both of us. Like you said, we weren't thinking.”

He huffed out another calming breath and put his arm around Mark so he could squeeze him in return.

“What do we do now?” he asked.

“Parents. We'd better call them.”

  
  


Mark got up and found Seb's mobile phone on table, fishing his own out of his pocket and seeing all the missed calls he already had. He passed Seb his phone and looked at who the calls were from: his parents, Leanne, Jenson, his team boss. _Oh fuck,_ thought Mark, _his team._ Mark guessed they were going to be pretty unimpressed, but first things first, he needed to speak to his mum and dad.

 

Seb was already speaking to his mother, doing his best to reassure her by sounding as calm as he possibly could. She was far more concerned about his accident on track then the one in the garage.

Mark couldn't follow the German well enough, but he heard a change in Seb's tone and guessed that Sebastian was now talking to his father as he repeated his assurances that he was alright and then trying to sound far more solid that Mark knew Seb really felt about the fact that the team was going to handle everything and the revelation of their relationship wasn't going to be a disaster.

 

  
  


Mark's father answered the call on the second ring.

“Hi,” Mark greeted his father heavily.

Alan sighed. “Hi Mark, oh dear you've done it now haven't you?”

“Hmm,” agreed Mark, not quite knowing what there was to say.

“Are you alright? Is Seb alright? That looked nasty.”

Mark reached over his hand and squeezed Sebastian's as the pair of them sat together on on the bed talking to their respective families at the same time.

“Yeah he's okay. It just gave us both a really big fright and,” Mark let out a wobbly breath as he thought of what had happened again, “we just, ah I don't know Dad, it was like we forgot where we were.”

  
On the other side of the world Mark's father allowed a wry smile to cross his face.

“Of course you did. That was pretty obvious. Oh well Mark, no good crying over spilt milk. It's done now. No more hiding, eh? The world can like it or lump it.”

Mark let out a little laugh at his father's no nonsense attitude.

“Yeah I guess they can.”

“Alright. Well whatever anyone says to you, don't let them make you feel bad about it. You've done nothing wrong, alright son?”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark, still sounding as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“Okay try that again with feeling,” pressed his father.

 

Mark gave another tired laugh and agreed again more assuredly.

“Don't let the bastards get to you, either of you, right?”

“Yeah okay Dad. Look Britta wants to give you another call in a bit, is that okay?” asked Mark.

“Of course it is, but we know better than to talk to the press alright?” insisted Alan firmly.

“Thanks. You're going to get hassled now and I'm really sorry about it,” apologised Mark.

“It's fine. Don't worry about us Mark, just take care of yourself and Seb, I'm guessing he's going to have a pretty bloody awful time of it,” sympathised his father.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark sadly.

“Okay, look your mother wants to speak to you, so keep your chin up, get through whatever you have to and then get yourselves home. The main thing is that Seb's okay and you're okay. The rest of it is all just bullshit.”

 

His wife batted him on the arm, reprimanding him for the bad language.

“Right, I'm being told. Don't fret about us. Call us whenever you like if you want to talk, don't worry about the time-difference, okay?”

“Yeah okay Dad, will do. Thank you.”

Alan handed the phone over to his impatient wife.

“Mark. Oh sweetheart, are you alright?”

“Yeah Mum I'm fine.”

“And _Seb_. That crash was awful.”

Diane shook her head as she remembered. After years of suffering through her son's races, they had a new person that they anxiously had to watch race these days.

“No wonder you were so worried dear. It was a completely natural reaction, anyone would know that. I'm sure people will understand.”

 

Mark shook his head at his mother's positive view of the world.

“I'm not sure that's how it works Mum, but thanks.”

“Don't be too pessimistic sweetheart, I'm sure that plenty of people will be on your side. Like your father says, you've done nothing wrong. It'll just be the surprise, they'll get over it,” she suggested.

 

Mark puffed a breath wondering if it was unrealistic to hope that his mother might be right.

“Yeah. Maybe,” he allowed.

“Your father wants another word. Okay, well give our love to Seb. Remember we love you and this is all going to be okay.”

Mark closed his eyes for a moment absorbing his mother's affection and reassurance.

“Thanks Mum... Hi Dad, what is it?”

“Have you spoken to Porsche Mark?” checked Alan.

“Not yet. I'll call them after Leanne.”

“Make sure you do,” warned his father. “I know you said they're fine, but obviously this wasn't part of the plan, was it?”

Mark gave another dry huff.

“No, that it wasn't. Okay, I will do Dad. I'd better go.”

“Yes alright. Well remember what we said and don't let anyone make you think you've got anything to feel bad about, right?”

“Yep.”

“We'll let you get on.”

The phone went quiet a second as Diane said something in the background that Mark couldn't catch.

“Your mother says to give Seb a hug from her.”

Mark finally smiled properly. “Okay will do. Thanks. Speak to you soon.”

 

Mark hung up and looked over at Sebastian by his side. Seb put his hand over the phone.

“They say hello,” Seb recounted to Mark, who nodded in acknowledgement.

“They're just getting Fabian,” he continued.

Mark took the moment to give Sebastian a hug.

“That's from Mum,” he explained and got a small smile from Seb in return.

  
  


 

Mark sat back and took a few minutes to himself while Sebastian spoke to his little brother.

 

“Hey Fabe,” greeted Sebastian.

“Hey. Oh my god Seb. You're okay aren't you? Mum said you must be if they let you walk off, but...”

“I'm fine,” reassured Seb. “I'm okay. The doctor checked me out and gave me the all clear, so don't worry. The crash looked worse than it was, okay. It just shook me up a bit.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” insisted Sebastian, finding it oddly calming to play down the events as he did his best not to worry his family.

Fabian had taken the phone from his parents and headed back up to his bedroom so he could talk privately.

“Okay good. Wow. I mean you really kissed him. Right on TV you know?”

 

Seb almost laughed, he certainly did know that.

“Yeah, we weren't thinking straight at the time,” he noted.

“Spose not. Is there going to be trouble? On TV they they sounded like they couldn't believe it,” recounted Fabian.

“Did they? What else did they say?” inquired Seb.

“Oh umm, well not much. The race is just finishing now.”

Fabian looked over at the television in his room that was currently showing a Mercedes passing the chequered flag and a jubilant Lewis Hamilton played out on the radio, whooping happily at his victory.

“Is it?”

Sebastian wondered whether they ought to turn on their own television in the room, or whether that would be a mistake.

“Yeah. Just now. Lewis won,” stated his brother.

“Right. Good for him. I think he's about to be pretty pissed off no one's that interested in him today,” guessed Sebastian, surprising himself that he was able to make a light-hearted remark about it. Then as he thought about why that was and the weight resettled on him.

 

“Look Fabe, the shit's about to hit the fan now. It's all a load of bollocks, but what we did was pretty stupid and everyone's going to make a huge deal of it.”

“Yeah, guess they will. You were going to tell everyone anyway though right?”

Seb huffed a little laugh. “Yeah, I guess we did that alright, but this wasn't exactly part of the plan. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought?”

“You said you were okay?” worried his brother.

“No I'm fine. That was just a silly joke, okay Fabe. I'm really alright. I just mean I wasn't thinking, neither of us were,” reassured Sebastian.

“Is Mark there with you?” asked Fabian.

“Hmm? Yeah he's right here.”

 

Seb looked at Mark and gave him a little smile.

“Look they're going to say all sorts of stuff about me, about us. Don't pay any attention to it, okay?” Seb warned.

“Of course not. Do you think they're going to say bad things about you?”

Sebastian sighed. “I don't know. Maybe. Listen, Fabe can you do something for me?”

“Of course,” insisted Fabian, sitting up a bit at the prospect of being able to help.

“Is the TV still on?”

“Yeah, I'm upstairs though,” explained Fabian.

“Right. Okay when you go down, turn it off. I know you'll want to see what they say, but it might upset Mum, so can you try to not let her watch it?” requested Sebastian, trying not to let his own anxiety leak into his voice.

“Umm, okay, yeah,” agreed Fabian reluctantly.

“And the press are going to try to hassle you all...”

“It's okay, we won't talk to them. Dad's already said,” explained his brother.

“Yeah? Good. Okay I know it's pretty shit to have to ask, but please don't talk to people for a bit. Britta's going to call you all and run through a few things.

“Okay,” allowed Fabian.

“I'm really sorry Fabe. We screwed up big time. We were trying so hard to handle this right and we just went and fucked up everything.”

 

Sebastian knew his forced calm was slipping and took a deep breath as Mark took his hand again.

“Seb it's okay,” reassured his little brother, sounding remarkably mature to Sebastian. “It'll be alright. Loads of people don't care about someone being gay these days, right?”

“Right,” agreed Sebastian, hoping his brother was correct.

“Don't stress about us Seb. We'll be okay. I'll look after mum.”

Sebastian swallowed hard, hating what he was putting his family through. He wondered when his little brother got so grown-up.

“Can I speak to Mark?” requested Fabian, surprising his brother slightly.

“Oh umm, yeah okay.”

 

Sebastian put his hand over the phone and turned to Mark.

“Fabian wants a word,” he explained, handing over the phone.

Mark took the mobile phone.

“Hey kiddo, you alright?” he inquired.

“Me? Yeah I'm fine. Is Seb really okay?” asked Fabian.

Mark heard the anxiety in his voice and felt terrible at the repercussions of all this on the people they cared about.

“Yeah mate he's fine. Your brother's a tough nut to crack,” he reassured, squeezing Sebastian's hand as he spoke.

“Besides, as we've just proved, us racing drivers don't have much more than cotton wool in our heads, so a little knock isn't going to do him too much harm.”

 

Mark smiled at Sebastian and got a smile back as Seb appreciated his efforts to alleviate his brother's concerns.

Fabian spoke quietly making sure his brother couldn't overhear.

“Mark, if people are really horrible about it to Seb, you'll stop them won't you?”

Mark suddenly felt worse than ever. Here was Seb's kid brother sounding so worried about him and asking Mark to do something he wished more than anything he could do, but he knew was impossible.

“I'll try mate, but we can't stop people saying what they want to and some of it might be not very nice. So do what your brother says okay, and don't listen to them. You know what we're really like, so if you hear anything bad remember that and don't let it get to you, okay?”

“Okay.” Fabian nodded, thinking things over before asking, “Mark, you love him don't you?”

 

Mark was taken aback by the combination of innocence and maturity in Fabian's question.

“Yeah mate, I love him very much. We'll be okay. It's going to be a bit shit for a while, but we'll get through it and then we can just get on with our lives.”

Mark was unconsciously rubbing the back of Sebastian's hand with his thumb as he spoke, knowing he was speaking as much to Seb as to Fabian.

 

He passed the phone back to Seb and they exchanged another few reassurances before hanging up.

Sebastian leant over and kissed him on the cheek to thank him for being so kind and thoughtful towards his brother.

“Now sisters,” suggested Sebastian, feeling as though they were working their way through a list.

 

 

Seb spoke to each of his sisters in turn getting initially less than helpful bouts of laughter from each as they teased him about his public loss of self-control and just how obvious they'd just made their relationship, but as they heard his tone of voice both Mel and Stefanie switched to more concerned inquiries that he was really alright and each promised to not talk to anyone until Britta had been in touch.

  
  


Next to Sebastian Mark sat on the phone to his own sister, who after asking after Seb and his own well-being, let out a long sigh.

“Ah Mark, you do seem to have a knack for landing yourself in it,” Leanne offered.

“Hmm, yeah. I suppose I've never been very good at hiding my feelings,” Mark admitted.

“No doubt about your feelings towards Seb now are there?” she joked.

“Guess not,” allowed Mark.

“Ah well, if you're going to screw-up, do it in style. That really was quite a kiss. You nearly knocked poor Seb off his feet.”

Mark rolled his eyes at his sister's levity.

“It was a proper Hollywood snog,” she teased.

“Oh god Leanne. You're my sister, you can't be saying things like that,” deflected Mark.

She was making him feel a bit better about it though.

 

“Ah well, nothing for it now but to go out there and be honest. They'll have to respect that,” Leanne offered.

“Yeah, suppose so,” agreed Mark.

“They will Mark. You're never going to win everyone over, but they'll have to accept it.”

“Mmm.”

“I did warn you to watch yourselves,” Leanne reminded.

“Thanks, that's what we were trying to do,” noted Mark dryly.

“Yeah I know. Oh well. Stuff happens. You were going to come out soon enough. Now you've saved yourself the bother of some torturous interview or whatever it was you were planning.”

“True. Maybe it never was very realistic to think we could hold out?”

“Doesn't matter now. What is it they say? 'Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans'?”

Mark gave a wry smile, it was only too true.

 

“You can't help what you feel Mark,” continued his sister. “You love Seb. You were worried he was hurt and you reacted in the most natural way possible.”

“Yeah, guess so.”

“And if people don't like it they can go fuck themselves,” finished Leanne with feeling.

“ _Leanne!”_ gasped Mark, shocked to hear such language from his usually mild-mannered sister.

“Well they can. And that's what you've got to think, alright?”

 

“Yeah. Okay. Thank you. I'm sorry you're going to get it too. Britta's going to call you and try to help a bit, but the media are bound to try it on with you,” Mark warned.

“I know. It's okay. Dean and I are going to talk to the kids in the morning,” Leanne assured him.

Mark set his head back as yet another problem hit home.

“Oh shit, the kids. Oh hell. Were they watching?”

“No they're in bed. Don't worry about them, they're bright kids if I do say so myself and we've raised them right. They won't think anything of it other than it's nice that their uncle has someone now he cares so much about,” insisted Leanne.

“Yeah but at school. Kids can be cruel,” worried Mark, thinking of what Fabian would also be facing in the playground the next day.

“We're going to go in and talk to the head. Don't be worrying about them. We're their parents, we'll handle it Mark. You just look after you and Seb, okay?”

“Okay,” conceded Mark.

“Okay. Well give my love to Seb. Hang in there, both of you. I know it might not seem very likely right now, but one day you're going to look back on what happened and laugh.

Mark scoffed. It seemed unlikely.

“You will Mark. You and Seb are going to be okay, I feel it my bones, alright?”

Mark gave a wry smile. “Is this one of your 'fate' feelings again?”

“I was right last time wasn't I?” noted Leanne.

Mark had to admit she was right. “Guess so. Okay, well thanks.”

  
  


 

Just as Mark was hanging up there was a knock on the door and as Sebastian signalled they could enter, Britta walked in accompanied by Christian.

“How are you doing?” asked Christian.

“Yeah, okay,” allowed Seb.

“Have you spoken to your families?” asked Britta.

Both Seb and Mark nodded.

“Okay, I'll speak to them later.”

“I just need to talk to my team,” added Mark.

“Ah yes, well I spoke to Holger, so don't worry too much, but it might be an idea to give them a ring. In the meantime we're co-ordinating statements to put out from both teams. Then I'll have something for your families, if they approve, that we'll probably put them out as a follow-up,” explained Britta.

 

They could do nothing but nod, feeling as if their lives had been taken out of their control.

Sebastian looked at his boss.

“Have you spoken to Dietrich? I didn't see Helmut when we came back.”

“I've spoken to them both,” confirmed Christian. “Nothing to worry about. Dietrich sends his regards and says thank you for giving RedBull more free advertising than it's had in its life before.”

He gave them a little smile and getting nothing in response went over and patted Sebastian on the shoulder.

“It was a joke Sebi, he's fine. Don't worry alright, we always knew something like this was a possibility. Everything's in place. We just have to get on with it now, okay?”

 

Sebastian nodded and Mark gave his former boss a grateful look to thank him for reassuring Seb. He noted that Christian had said nothing about Dr. Marko's reaction. Christian had skipped that part thinking there was no good to come from telling them that he'd just come from a stand-up row in his office with Helmut as he blamed them for their lack of self-control and had pushed Christian over the edge by sounding more than half pleased with his own foresight that such a thing was bound to happen. Britta had only succeeded in gaining a promise from him that if he had no wish to be associated with it then he should have no contact with the media, and that would have to suffice.

 

“What happens now then?” wondered Sebastian.

 

Britta and Christian looked at one another and Seb knew what that meant. He knew what had to happen now, they had to go out there and face the outside world.

  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - this is another bit where the chapter was getting too long, so I split it.  
> Next bit needs a bit more work, so let me know and I'll try and hurry it up.


	42. Reeling Forth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been very mean with my cliff-hangers of late, so here's the second part of this chapter before your fingernails fall off.

* * *

 

 

 

Christian took the seat from the little desk and sat down.

“Okay look, I think you're both well aware there's going to be a feeding frenzy over this with the media. Britta and I have had a quick chat and we think the best thing is to try to carry on as normal.”

Mark went to speak, but Christian held up a hand.

“Just let me go through it and then we can discuss things, alright?”

Mark relented and nodded acquiescence.

 

“Okay,” continued Christian.

“We attempt to carry on as normal, because as Britta, who I think we'll all agree is far more intelligent than the rest of us...”

He gave a wry smile as he looked at the two.

“...points out, that that in itself is an important message to give: Nothing has changed and nothing will. Sebastian is an F1 driver the same as any other, the same today as he was yesterday. He should not be regarded by anyone as any different, nor treated any differently.”

Mark puffed out a breath. It _was_ an important point to make.

“So that means what right now?” queried Mark.

 

Christian looked up at Britta stood by the door to give her a cue.

“Seb, you are due in the pen for the post-race interviews along with all the other drivers.”

Sebastian nodded, trying to build up his courage.

Mark looked unhappy.

“They're going to be all over him. There was a horde out there when we got here. How's he even going to get to the pen?” Mark worried.

“I'll send a couple of extra guys along with them, okay?” reassured Christian.

“We're not going to stop for the mob, alright. We'll go straight to the press pen. They at least are professionals,” noted Britta. “I'll step in if I need to.”

She looked at Seb.

“I won't let anything get out of hand, okay. We can have a signal; take your sunglasses with you, don't put them on though, that looks defensive, just hook them onto your shirt and if you want me to move things on just touch your glasses and I'll know, alright?”

Sebastian nodded. “Okay.”

 

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“I don't think it's a good idea.”

He glanced back at Seb.

“He could still be in shock. You can't expect him to deal with all that right now?”

“I'm okay,” interjected Sebastian.

Mark turned fully to him.

“No you're not.”

He turned back to Christian.

“He can't remember after the crash. I think the doc should see him again. I don't think he should have to go face all the media now.”

Seb let out a frustrated little huff at Mark telling his boss that.

“I'm okay. It's just a bit of a blur.”

 

Christian frowned, looking at both of them. He understood Mark was trying to protect Sebastian, but there were things they were going to have to face.

“Doc Phillips should be here soon, he can have his say.”

He addressed them both even though he was really speaking to Seb.

“I'm not going to send you out there if you're not comfortable. If you want me to say that you are not in a fit state because of the crash, then we can do that.”

Christian didn't sound terribly keen on the prospect.

“If we do that doesn't it look like I'm running away? That we're saying we have something to hide, that we're ashamed?” asserted Sebastian.

Christian knew that it did, but if his driver really was affected badly by the crash he knew it would be irresponsible to push him.

 

Sebastian looked over at Britta.

She sighed. “Yes it does. Sorry Mark, but Seb is right.”

“We give Doc the call, alright?” pacified Christian.

“I'm okay,” reassured Sebastian once again to Mark.

He took his hand again and squeezed it.

“I just have to get through it. Britta will keep a lid on things, won't you?”

“I will,” she confirmed.

 

Mark huffed out a defeated breath.

“Okay fine. So what else. I take it you're not leaving it at that?”

“I'm going to go out there for a bit,” offered Christian.

“You're going to stump for us?” asked Mark.

“Yes,” said Christian plainly.

“Thank you,” said Sebastian, knowing how much of a limb his boss was continuing to go out on for them.

“Yes. Thank you,” relented Mark. “Look I really am sorry. This is all my fault. I should have stayed away in the garage, waited until Seb was out the back.”

“No Mark,” started Sebastian. “It's just as much my fault.”

 

Britta held up her hand to silence them exchanging blame.

“No. Okay I could have stopped Mark going over. Christian could have banned him from the garage. We're not playing this game.”

She looked at the pair of them firmly.

“The very first rule is: No apologies. No one is going to say they are sorry. If we apologise we are saying that someone has done something wrong and that is absolutely _not_ the message we are giving. Understood?”

Both nodded. Britta's forceful voice made Mark feel as though he was under the thumb of a particularly strict school teacher. It was actually reassuring to know that Seb would be in her care. He didn't fancy the chances of anyone who crossed Britta today.

 

“The press at the pen should be addressing you on the race, asking about the crash and so forth. Now I know it's unrealistic to suggest that they won't ask about what happened afterwards and about Mark, so have a think about what you're happy to say. It is important that we use positive terms, that we affirm that the team and your family were aware and are happy about it. I think it is worth pointing out that this relationship is something that developed after Mark left the team. You don't need to give them any more detail than that. Just be matter of fact; Yes you are together; You were planning to tell people but circumstances intervened; It is your private life and you would like to keep it that way, but naturally you reacted in extreme circumstances as anyone would. Don't fall into the temptation to offer more than is asked. Keep your answers short and think before you speak.”

 

Seb stared at Britta trying to absorb all her advice and not let himself get overwhelmed. Everything she said sounded sensible and honest enough without going too far.

“I can do that,” he asserted.

He looked at Mark firmly.

“I'll be alright.”

“Okay,” agreed Britta, before pressing on. “Then I think if you're up for it, a joint interview.”

“A united front you mean?” suggested Mark.

Britta opened out her hands to indicate yes.

“Only a brief one, just to show you're being open and have nothing to hide,” noted Christian.

“With who?” wondered Seb.

Mark gave a dry laugh. “DC, right?”

Christian nodded. “David is still one of us. He'll be alright. We'll talk to him first. It'll be fine.”

“Okay,” agreed Mark.

“Yeah okay,” concurred Sebastian.

It wouldn't be fun, but it could be worse. He just had to stay calm, do as Britta instructed, and get it over with.

 

“Do you want me to do anything else?” offered Mark, not wanting to allow the burden to fall too heavily on Seb.

“Not for now, I think that will do. Maybe something back home in the week. I need chance to work things out with Porsche, okay?”

“Yeah alright,” consented Mark.

His phone buzzed with a text message and he glanced at it before reading it properly when it caught his attention.

“Sorry. That's Jenson. He around here somewhere and says he's been approached a lot but so far he's been avoiding the press.”

Mark looked up at Britta.

“He's asking if we want him to say anything or not.”

Mark turned to Sebastian and gave him a little smile.

“He's offering to stand up for us.”

“Guess you know who your friends are today,” remarked Christian.

“I don't want to throw him under the bus just to help us, but...” Mark left off, thinking it would be nice to have someone stick up for them.

“Give me his number, I'll speak to him,” suggested Britta.

“Okay. I'll just text him back first.”

 

Christian got up.

“Okay, I think we have a plan that works. I'm going to find Dr. Phillips to give you a double-check first.”

 

 

Christian left and Britta stepped out to call Jenson. A few minutes later Dr. Phillips knocked on the door and ran through some more checks on Sebastian before declaring the same diagnosis; That Seb's reaction was that of shock and merely the brain's way of protecting itself from a traumatic event. Mark wasn't sure whether to be pleased or disappointed that Seb got the all-clear to face the ordeal of going in front of the media.

 

 

 

 

As Britta came back to fetch Sebastian, Mark asked her for just one more minute alone and she stepped out, leaving them stood together in Seb's room.

Mark rested his hands either side on Seb's arms.

“You're sure you're up for this?” he asked, looking at Sebastian with continued concern.

“I just need to get it over with.”

“You don't have to. We can say you've been affected by the crash, just go straight home.”

Sebastian gave him a tight smile, knowing that Mark was trying to protect him.

“It's okay. I can do this. It's not like I've not had to act for the cameras before.”

 

Sebastian thought of all the hideous times in the past he'd managed to survive acting his way through facing the media when he was suffering in his private life. At least this time it was for a positive cause.

 

“Okay,” relented Mark. “Just do exactly what Britta says, let her intervene if it gets tough. Don't let them push you into saying anything you don't want to.”

“I'll be alright,” assured Sebastian one last time. “I need to go. Britta wants a quick run through before we get there.”

 

Mark put his arms right around Seb and held him closer and tighter than he thought he ever had before. Sebastian shut his eyes, trying to absorb all of Mark's strength and love. He never wanted him to let go, but he knew he had to.

 

Sebastian pulled back.

“I've got to go now. Don't worry, I'll be okay.”

Seb painted on his best smile for him, but Mark knew Sebastian too well to be fooled.

“I could come with you,” Mark suddenly offered.

Sebastian let out a helpless little laugh.

“To the pen? No you can't. You're not an F1 driver anymore Mark.”

“You want to bet they wouldn't talk to me?” he countered.

Sebastian gave him a look that told him that was precisely why Mark would not be going.

 

Mark gave up. He gave Seb one last squeeze and a firm kiss.

“I'll be watching on the TV. I'll be right with you okay.”

Seb nodded and opened the door.

Mark looked at him with as much certainty as he could.

“You're going to be fine. You can do this. It's just the same people you've spoken to a thousand times, don't think of them any differently. Stick with Britta and I'll see you in a few minutes okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian.

He set back his shoulders, took a deep breath and stepped out to face the world.

 

 

 

 

Mark sat on the bed and switched on the television.

Jenson was stood somewhere in the paddock cheerily chatting away to a TV crew.

 

“Oh well yeah I've known for _ages_ ,” Jenson grinned, clearly enjoying himself.

“You _did?”_ asked the presenter off-screen. Mark couldn't be sure, but he thought it might be Damon.

“Oh yeah, course, we're friends aren't we? And I'm in WEC with Mark too, so, yeah...”

Jenson shrugged as if it was something that went without saying.

“I think you must be one of the only ones who did,” suggested the interviewer.

Jenson pulled a little disagreeing face.

“I'm not sure that's true.”

“They kept it a pretty good secret from the paddock.”

“Well it's their own business isn't it? I'm not surprised if they weren't keen on it being gossip. You know what this place is like,” offered Jenson.

“And what do you think about it?”

“Actually I don't think it's up to me or anyone to think anything about it, but seeing as you insist, I think it's great.”

“You do?”

Jenson looked a little more serious.

“Yes of course. They're happy. I'm happy for them. Why shouldn't I be?”

He looked pointedly at the interviewer behind the camera.

 

The interviewer mumbled something about their history as team-mates and Jenson shrugged again.

“So what? Lewis and I had some pretty tetchy moments when we were both at McLaren and we're friends now...”

He gave a lop-sided grin.

“...only friends mind, delightful chap though Lewis is. But what I mean is everything changes once you quit racing together. The whole team-mates thing is a weird kind of pressure-cooker environment, so when you leave that you look at people differently. Obviously Seb and Mark looked at each other _very_ differently.”

Jenson looked as though he was trying not to laugh as he teased the presenter, seemingly throwing him with his blasé attitude, so they cut to show the rest of the Sky team stood talking to Christian.

 

 

“And we've managed to find RedBull's team boss; Christian Horner,” Johnny Herbert spoke to camera before turning to Christian.

“Christian. You must have had a much more surprising race today than you imagined.”

Christian looked at him with studied impassivity.

“Well, not especially. Daniel's podium finish is about what we expected given how well the Mercedes have been running all weekend.”

“No but Sebastian...”

Christian casually interrupted. “Well of course Seb's DNF was unfortunate, but as the stewards said, it was a racing incident; The Sauber's brakes were faulty and there was no way Seb could avoid the accident.”

Johnny pressed on. “But _after_ the accident.”

“Yes, there was quite a lot of damage and I know where I'd like to send the bill for that, but sadly that's not how it works in this game. The main thing obviously is that Seb is okay. A little shaken up of course, but he's had the all-clear from the doctor, so we're all very glad about that.”

 

Clearly wanting to try harder to push the conversation into the topic they really cared about, Simon took up the reins.

“Someone in particular seemed _very_ glad to see Sebastian was okay.”

Christian looked at him blankly.

“Hmm?”

“ _Mark._ ”

Simon sounded as though he was trying not to get annoyed at Christian's pretend obtuseness.

“Yes, well of course he was,” conceded Christian in an unbothered tone.

“So you knew about those two?”

“Knew what?” asked Christian casually.

 

Mark was starting to wonder if Christian was enjoying winding them up almost as much as Jenson had. Either way the Oscar had to be in the post.

 

“That they were... Well, that they...” Simon struggled to put it into words.

“That they're in a relationship?” offered Christian calmly. “Yes of course we knew.”

“Did you?” interjected Johnny, sounding slightly amazed.

“Of course.”

“How long have you known?”

Christian gave a slight shrug.

“As long as we've needed to know.”

Simon frowned at him.

“How long as this been going on then?”

Christian looked at the group firmly.

“I don't think that's anyone's concern but theirs. It's certainly only since Mark has left the team. I can say that much.”

“So not when they were team-mates?” pressed Simon.

“No,” confirmed Christian.

“Are you sure about that?” asked Simon, sounding somewhat incredulous.

“Yes, quite sure,” stated Christian, refusing to let himself be riled.

 

Martin stepped in. “You can see why people might be rather surprised given their notoriously fractious time together in the team.”

“Well all that was always rather exaggerated by the media,” insisted Christian. “But I admit there were times that things were difficult between them in the team, that's only natural. Obviously things were very different once they were no longer team-mates.”

“ _Obviously,_ ” intoned Johnny, raising an eyebrow.

“Can we take it that the team has no objection to the relationship now then?” asked Martin.

“Certainly not,” stated Christian firmly. “Not that I think it is the business of the team to have any say on our drivers' private lives, but since you ask, RedBull as a team, and I personally, fully support Sebastian in this, as we do in all matters.”

 

 

Seeing that they weren't going to get any more from RedBull's team principal, the coverage moved on to the drivers being interviewed in the press pen.

Driver after driver was interviewed in turn, being politely asked about their race before the reporters got to the questions they really wanted to ask about the revealing of the relationship between Mark and Sebastian.

Most did little more than shrug their shoulders, several repeatedly looking at their PR minders to check that they were saying what they had been told to; that it was none of their business, carefully leaving no impression of any opinion on the matter.

 

So far Felipe Massa had been the closest to showing any kind of honest response.

He shrugged and gave a half-smile.

“Obviously is not for me, but..” he shrugged again, “but yes is a surprise for sure. I am just relieved I am told Sebastian is not hurt. I know for myself that it can be very dangerous when a part from a car hits your helmet, so I think perhaps he is very lucky. I am sorry that it was my car that hit, I am not sure what, but some part of the car that is damaged, as I try to get past, but the car was in a bad part of the track and there was no room, so I could not help it.”

 

Mark lay back thinking that was fair enough. He didn't expect whole-hearted endorsement from everyone and it wasn't unreasonable for people to be surprised.

 

 

Dan came on screen wearing his trademark broad grin, and Mark thought it was almost certain that from him at least they ought to have a positive backing.

 

“Oh yeah mate, course I knew. The team knew. Course we did.”

The interviewer pressed Daniel asking if he wasn't surprised and he merely shrugged, still grinning.

“I'm surprised you guys haven't noticed that Mark's been there with Seb all the time,” Dan teased.

The interviewer sounded taken aback, asking. “So they weren't hiding it then?”

“Nah not really mate. They weren't shouting about it, but why should they?”

“So you don't have a problem with having a gay team-mate?”

Daniel's smile dropped a couple of notches at the question.

“No. And I think it's pretty offensive that you would ask that.”

There was an abrupt tense silence while the interviewer scrambled for a way to backtrack out of the question before Daniel's PR assistant moved him along.

 

Mark sat there angry at the implication that a driver might object to having Sebastian as his team-mate, as if being gay meant you were automatically going to jump whoever was on the opposite side of the garage, or that you could refuse to be in the same team on 'moral' grounds.

Dan had done well though. Mark made a mental note to find him later to thank him.

 

 

His attention was pulled back to the screen as Fernando Alonso appeared. Mark knew he could have no concerns from his friend.

 

“Si, I know for a while now they are together,” confirmed Fernando.

Mark huffed a little laugh at whether a fortnight technically counted as 'a while', although in truth his friend had known that there was more to their relationship for quite a long time.

“Mark is my friend, so he tells me things change between them. They are friends, then they are more than that,” he gave a Gallic shrug, “is no surprise to me.”

“And would you care to share your opinion on it?” ventured the interviewer.

“I am very pleased for them of course. Mark is my friend. Is good to see him so happy. Sebastian, he remains my rival, but as a person, of course I am happy for them both. It makes no difference on track.”

 

 

Lewis appeared on screen, clearly still buzzing from his win. He had a smile that stretched from ear to ear and was happily running on about his race and how hard it had been to make it look easy keeping his team-mate behind him when the interviewer butted in.

“Speaking of team-mates. Have you had chance to see yet what happened in the RedBull garage?”

Lewis looked confused to be stopped mid-flow.

“Sorry?”

“Between Sebastian and Mark.”

“Mark?” Lewis frowned. “Mark Webber? He's not there any more...”

“He certainly was today,” pointed out the interviewer. “I'm guessing no one's told you?”

Lewis shook his head.

“Hey man I've been pretty busy since the end of the race you know. You're gonna have to tell me cos I've no idea what you're on about.”

The interviewer paused before telling him. “They kissed.”

Lewis' eyes popped open wide.

“I'm sorry, what?”

“In the garage when Sebastian got back after he crashed,” the interviewer did at least have the grace to sound embarrassed to be spelling out what had occurred, “Mark went up to him when he got out and they kissed.”

Lewis stared. “You mean _really?”_

 

The interviewer off-screen clearly must have nodded because Lewis' eyebrows shot up even further and he leaned his head forward as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

“You're kidding me? No way man. You've got to be kidding?”

He glanced around.

“This isn't a wind-up, right?”

“Apparently they've been together for a while,” explained the voice.

“No way? Wow. _Mark and Sebastian_. Unbelievable.”

He started laughing. “Oh my word. I thought they couldn't stand each other.”

“That's what we all thought.”

“Yeah. Well, _ha,_ guess that shows what we know.”

Lewis shook his head again and walked off still shaking his head in amazement.

 

Mark shook his own head. He couldn't find it in his heart to be annoyed at Lewis' stunned reaction. He suspected it was the reaction of a good many people.

 

 

He was just starting to relax when Kimi Räikkönen was moved into position by his minder. He didn't take his sunglasses off the whole time despite the grey skies above.

As the interviewer moved on from asking about his race to the moment involving Sebastian and Mark, Kimi looked at something in the far distance.

“As Sebastian's friend I imagine you knew about this?” suggested the interviewer.

Kimi shrugged and mumbled something unintelligible.

The interviewer persisted. “So you support Sebastian?”

Kimi shrugged again looking uncomfortable and muttered, “he can do what he wants I suppose, I don't care,” and promptly wandered off, not willing to give any more time to the subject.

 

Mark sat up glaring at the screen and fighting the urge to throw the remote control at it. Some fucking friend, he thought. What a waste of space Kimi was; never giving anything more of himself than he was forced to. Mark couldn't think why Seb even gave him the time of day, never mind allowed the world to think that they were really friends.

He puffed out a breath trying to calm down. Kimi didn't matter. Only Sebastian. Suddenly it struck him as odd that Seb hadn't appeared yet.

 

 

He was just getting a sinking feeling when the television cut to a shot that showed his worst fears; a camera further down the paddock showed a dense crowd of people, far more than had been there before; Reporters, cameras flashing, television crews and in the midst of it Seb and Britta trying to fight their way through, two RedBull personnel ahead of them attempting to clear a path for them.

Mark sat forward and sank his head into his hands. Seb looked so damn small buried in that crowd and even from a distance Mark could see the set look on his face as Sebastian tried to not to show any emotion to those busily shoving cameras in his face taking pictures of him. Mark couldn't stand it. He knew Seb must be so scared and yet he was clearly doing everything he could not to let the world see.

Mark stood up and started pacing about the tiny room. He should be with Seb. He should go to him  _now_. He wanted to scream at all those people and ask them how they lacked the humanity to behave in that way and not care about the effect it had. He should go and grab Sebastian by the hand to pull him out of the crowd so they could get out of here. They should just get out of here right now and go home.

He sat back down on the bed heavily and sank his head down, knowing there no way they could do that.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian finally made it through to the press pen feeling as though he'd already fought a battle just to get there.

Britta stood him in the middle, away from all the reporters around the perimeter who were still occupied with the remaining other drivers, knowing Seb needed a minute to compose himself.

Sebastian closed his eyes and took some deep breaths. His heart was hammering and he knew that any moment it could get away from him and he'd have a full panic attack right in the middle of the F1 press core.

 

“Are you alright?” checked Britta.

Sebastian opened his eyes and looked at her.

“Just one more second, okay?” he pleaded.

Seb breathed very carefully, desperately trying not to let any external sign show the world what he was feeling. Under his clothes he was sweating and he didn't want it to be obvious so he unobtrusively as possible wiped at his face with his sleeve.

He had to get through this. He _had_ to get through this. He had to be strong. He couldn't afford to break down now in front of everyone. He just had to get through this and then he could get back to Mark. God he wished Mark was with him right now. He should have let Mark come with him no matter that it was against the rules. Mark was right; he'd bet no one would have stopped him today.

 

Sebastian took one last deep breath and nodded at Britta. The sooner they got going the sooner this would be over.

“Remember everything I said, okay?” checked Britta quietly, getting a nod in reply. “And if you need help?”

Sebastian touched the sunglasses hanging from his shirt and Britta nodded firmly back and they got going.

 

They did exactly what they normally did; started at one corner of the pen and worked their way round from reporter to reporter. Sebastian forced his face into a careful repose showing no sign of the tumult within. He smiled at the familiar faces and worked hard to keep his body-language open and positive, remembering all the times in the past when he'd had to do this before. Times he'd been close to falling apart inside and managed to hold it together in front of the world. He'd done it then, he could do it now. At least now he had a good reason behind it all.

That was a comforting thought; Mark was with him. He was watching on TV and wishing he was alongside him so he could help make it not quite as bad. Mark would have been willing to do that. He'd have gone through this ordeal by his side in a heartbeat if Sebastian had asked it of him.

A genuine smile crossed his lips and Sebastian had to get the reporter to repeat his question as he'd been too busy thinking how incredibly lucky he was that Mark loved him that much.

 

“I'm sorry, what was that?” Sebastian asked.

Will Buxton repeated himself. “I said I imagine you're having quite a day.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh. “Yeah you could say that.”

“So Mark then?” he tried vaguely.

Sebastian felt much steadier as he replied. “What about him?”

“Forgive me asking such a personal question, but you're involved, you and Mark?”

“Involved? We're together if that's what you mean. Yes.”

“That was quite a dramatic way to reveal it to the world.”

Seb shrugged.

“It's caused quite a surprise,” tried Will.

Sebastian gave a small smile. “Life is full of surprises.”

 

 

He worked his way on, giving only as little as he needed to answer their questions without being rude, no matter how rude the questions were that put to him, sticking Britta's rules, trying to be honest without feeling exposed: Yes they were together; Yes _obviously_ that meant he was gay; Yes the team had known; Yes their families knew; Yes they had been planning on telling people; Yes life was as unpredictable as F1 sometimes.

 

By the time he got to Lee McKenzie at the end of the line, Seb's smile couldn't hide the tiredness he felt.

Lee thought of all the times Sebastian had teased her and made her laugh after boring hours hanging around in all weathers waiting for a clipped soundbite from driver after driver.

Off camera she winked and then brought the microphone up.

 

“Ah Seb. You really know how to break a girl's heart. All these years waiting around on you and I've been wasting my time.”

She grinned at him and Sebastian cracked and started laughing. He could have hugged her.

“I hate to disappoint you Lee, but I'm taken.”

Lee smiled back at him.

“Yes, so it would seem. Oh well. So anyway, not quite the race you hoped for today?”

“No, that much is true,” admitted Sebastian.

“That was quite a frightening crash. It looked as though it could have been very serious.”

Seb nodded. “Yes, well sometimes things happen that make you appreciate what you have in life. I'm very lucky.”

“Yes you are,” Lee replied solidly.

She gave Sebastian a smile and put down her microphone, letting him go.

As the cameraman moved to switch the camera off, pointing it away from the pen, Seb looked at Lee and mouthed 'thank you' gratefully, getting an acknowledging nod in reply.

 

Britta touched his arm and they moved to leave, ready to fight their way back through the waiting hordes. But at least it was easier now it was to go back. Seb let out a huff and set his shoulders again.

 

 

 

 

Once back in the sanctuary of his little room Sebastian fell against Mark, closing his eyes and breathing out slowly as he safe again.

“That was horrible.”

Mark swallowed hard, hating that Seb had had to go through that on his own. It seemed so unfair when it should be both of them in this together.

“You did great. Really Seb. I don't know how you got through that. You were so brave.”

 

He gave Seb a tight hug and lead Sebastian to sit down with him on the bed. They sat together as Mark told Sebastian about some of the supportive things others had said on TV and skimmed over anything negative. Seb in turn recounted some of the questions he'd been asked and Mark shook his head amazed at the gall some people had to think they had any right to know about someone's personal life.

 

“I don't know how you didn't tell all those arseholes to get lost,” wondered Mark.

Sebastian shrugged, they both knew that wasn't an option.

“You've got to face it too in a minute,” noted Seb, reminding Mark that they still had to go to do their interview with DC.

“Yeah well he can wait a bit,” suggested Mark. “I think you need five minutes to catch your breath first.”

 

Seb nodded gratefully. You could guarantee that David wasn't going anywhere when he had the interview the whole world wanted lined up.

 

“Can we lie down for a bit?” requested Sebastian.

Mark assented and they stretched out on the bed. There was barely room for the two of them, but Mark pressed himself up by the wall and Sebastian curled himself into him, resting his head on Mark's chest and closing his eyes as Mark wrapped his arms tightly about him.

Sebastian let out a long sigh. He wanted to stay here forever, just lie in Mark's arms where it was peaceful and safe until everyone outside had gone.

Sadly that couldn't be and it seemed mere seconds had passed before Britta was knocking on the door and asking them to make their way to where she'd set up the interview with DC.

 

 

 

 

Britta took them through to a quiet area of the upper terrace that had been cleared out. Over in the corner David was talking to a cameraman and a producer as they set up. As he saw them approach he said something to the two and they left to give him a minute with Mark and Sebastian.

DC grinned at them and pulled one then the other into a hug before standing back shaking his head and laughing.

“Fucking hell, you two certainly know how to steal the show don't you?”

Mark rolled his eyes and shook his head at him. Seb didn't know quite what to say, so he just shrugged and took a seat at the small table where the interview was going to take place. Mark joined him and David sat down opposite.

 

DC shook his head again and gave another chuckle.

“After everything, eh?”

“I suppose after how things were between us in the team it doesn't make much sense,” offered Sebastian.

David raised an eyebrow and grinned.

“Actually no, I think it explains a lot!”

He started laughing again and Mark sat back in his chair and looked at Seb, giving him a resigned little shake of the head.

As reactions went, David's certainly wasn't the worst.

 

DC managed to compose himself knowing that they had to get on with this.

“Okay then, Britta's bent my ear a bit and I know the score. I'm not going to stitch you up here so you can relax, alright? This isn't going to take very long, it's just a chance for you to say whatever you want to and get it out there.”

“Thanks,” offered Mark, and Sebastian nodded.

 

David was still a company man, even with his torn allegiances between his RedBull affiliation and his media work. It was precisely why he had been selected for this task. Moreover he'd always been pretty good friends with both of them and whilst their relationship might have been a shock to him, the fact that they were gay wasn't and Mark particularly was sure that his attitude on that would be positive.

 

Mark gave Sebastian an encouraging smile as the BBC crew members returned and finished up aligning their shots and getting set up. Seb sat straight and went back over Britta's guidance in his head ready for David's questions. Deep breath, ready to go. Mark pressed his leg up against Sebastian's under the table knowing it was out of shot and the two of them faced DC.

 

 

David was as good as his word and the interview wasn't too hideous as they ran through the points Britta had suggested.

They had not needed to agree any official 'story' to give the press, both knowing there was no way they were ever going to tell anyone the full truth of what had happened to cause that change in their relationship. The version of the truth they had told their families was the one that would have to satisfy the rest of the world too: Sebastian moving to the UK had allowed him to have much easier access to the RedBull headquarters in Milton Keynes, and living nearby one another had meant that they spent time together as friends, which later became something more. Neither one of them specifically stated that was the _only_ reason Seb had moved.

 

David asked a few questions relating to how their time as team-mates had been difficult and gave them the opportunity to admit that was so, but that the media had always exaggerated any problems.

“Once I'd left I guess without all that pressure we just found out we had more in common than we realised,” admitted Mark.

DC laughed. “A _lot_ in common.”

Off camera he lifted a teasing eyebrow, but neither Mark nor Sebastian rose to it. They were both carefully managing their body-language to appear relaxed and undefensive as Britta had advised.

“Yeah, that's true, and well, somewhere along the line things changed,” explained Seb.

David smirked at them suggestively causing Mark to chime in.

“And you're not getting any more details on that,” he warned.

“Can't blame me for trying,” defended David.

“Very well, so as I think is now abundantly clear, you're in a relationship now.”

“Yes,” replied the pair in unison, causing David to smile even wider at how in sync they were.

“So were you planning on telling people about this?”

 

Seb and Mark glanced at one another before Sebastian answered.

“Yeah we were, but obviously that didn't quite go to plan.”

“Quite. But you had been waiting before telling anyone?” pressed David.

“Well no, we've told plenty of people actually,” pointed out Sebastian. “Friends, family, our teams...”

“They've all been great,” stressed Mark.

DC nodded.

“But you delayed going public?”

“We just hadn't got around to it yet,” excused Seb.

“Did you have concerns about people's reaction?” wondered David.

Under the table Mark pressed his foot up against Sebastian's.

“If we're honest, some, but this is the twenty-first century, so we don't see why it should be a problem,” stated Mark, making sure he sounded confident and hoping that the more they insisted that there shouldn't be any problems, the more likely it was that there wouldn't be.

Mark couldn't help but automatically turn slightly to Seb to give him a reassuring smile, gaining a smile back in return.

“Absolutely,” agreed David, “well just another twist in the tale for Formula One, and I think we all ought to thank you for spicing things up an otherwise rather boring afternoon. So thank you.”

Seb and Mark nodded in reply and David wrapped the interview up.

 

As he walked away DC wished the two good luck. He suppressed the urge to tell them they had been telegraphing far more in each little look they gave one another and the way they unconsciously referred to themselves as 'we' and even finished each other's sentences, telling everyone more about the depth of their relationship than even the kiss had shown. He couldn't help thinking about how early last year Mark had been appearing at races and wondering if things went back that far or not.

Plainly the pair had no intention of telling anyone. David considered whether they might tell him privately, seeing as they were supposed to be friends. It was a little hard not to be slightly offended that they hadn't told him when he'd seen both of them on any number of occasions during that time. He wondered whether his reputation for gossip had gone against him, or if it had been his media background. Then again, thinking about it, David _had_ seen the two of them around in the motor-home seeming far friendlier than they used to. That there might be anything more going on hadn't occurred to him. He shook his head to himself thinking he really had been an idiot not to see it.

 

Both Seb and Mark came away feeling that they'd managed to say what they needed to without sounding too defensive. Britta had seemed happy enough as she walked them back, so it couldn't have been too bad.

 

 

 

 

Mark was just starting to think that maybe they were almost done and that they might be able to escape and go home, far away from from all this madness, when Christian reappeared and told Sebastian it was time to go do the race debrief.

Mark sighed, tempted to suggest that surely Seb had been through enough already, but he knew that this was part of Christian's plan that they should carry on as normal and Sebastian hadn't complained. In a way he knew that Christian was right, routine was good, and at least the debrief was being held on the base, so it wasn't as if Sebastian had to face battling his way through the crowd in the paddock again.

 

It did leave Mark sat around waiting in Seb's room on his own again though. He picked up his phone thinking he ought to send a few messages to thanks his friends, but as he looked at it he realised that he still hadn't called his team, so he rang Andreas immediately, apologising for the delay and trying to apologise as well for the way in which he had thrown away the careful plan he had agreed with the team.

Thankfully his boss insisted that there was no need for apology on either point. He did however admit to Mark that there might be some higher up in the company who were less than thrilled with the situation, but it was what it was and he'd already spoken with their head of PR who was co-ordinating with RedBull to minimise the fallout. After that they'd just have to see how things went.

 

Mark hung up feeling relieved that he had been so understanding, reflecting that while they might be nowhere near being in a comfortable situation, they did at least have a number of decent people in their corner.

He texted thanks to Fernando and Jenson and was just thinking that he ought to thank Daniel too when his phone buzzed with a message.

Opening it Mark smiled to see that it was was from Adrian Newey offering a very kind message of support and encouragement. Mark was prepared to bet that there was a similar message waiting to be read on Sebastian's phone. He wondered if that meant that the news had reached as far as San Francisco where Adrian was currently overseeing some testing for his work on the new America's Cup yacht, or whether Christian had been in touch with him. Either way it was very thoughtful of Adrian.

Mark sent back a message thanking him and then sat around wondering just how long Seb was going to be. It felt as though he'd spent most of his day trapped in this tiny room and it was starting to feel like a prison cell. He stood up and stretched, thinking he really needed some fresh air. Maybe he could go wait for Seb to finish up and then he'd have chance to thank Daniel for his support as well?

 

 

Heading out onto the deck of the barge Mark took a deep inhale of lovely fresh air. It was distinctly cooler than it had been during the race and it felt all the better for it. Mark found himself longing to be back in England as soon as possible, wondering if there were likely to be too many other F1 representatives on their flight and hoping that they would have the decency to leave them alone.

 

He was just heading in the general direction of the area where the offices were located, trying to remember which ones were likely to be being used for the debrief, when Mark walked smack bang into the Sky crew who were running an extended programme.

 

The arrangement had been agreed long ago and thus as part of their general approach to keeping things as normal as possible RedBull hadn't wanted to go back on their word, moreover it had been decided it might be a good idea to keep them in their good books as a sop to them for giving their rivals on the BBC the exclusive interview with Mark and Sebastian. Unfortunately no one had told Mark that they had been allowed onboard to film.

 

 

Mark took a step back as the various members of the Sky team turned and saw him. He was tempted to get away as fast as possible, but they were obviously broadcasting live and Mark knew he couldn't afford to look like he was running away.

Time to suck it up, he thought. Seb had braved facing the media alone, surely he could do it.

 

“Mark. Well this is a surprise. Fancy bumping into you,” smiled Martin.

“Yes, well, this is the RedBull base,” Mark noted dryly.

“No Seb about?” asked Johnny with faux innocence.

“They're in the debrief right now,” explained Mark matter of factly.

“Ah of course,” agreed Martin.

“I'm sure you'll be glad to get home after today,” offered Simon.

Mark nodded. “True enough.”

“Home is still in the UK for you isn't it Mark?” tried Damon.

 

Mark frowned a little, thinking surely most people knew that.

“Yes it is. Has been for twenty years now,” confirmed Mark.

“And for Sebastian too?” continued Damon.

Mark had to stop himself shaking his head. Of course that was where they were going.

“Yes that's right,” he allowed, remembering Britta's advice that you should never offer more than you were asked.

“Is that why he moved there?”

Mark shrugged. “There were a number of reasons.”

“Sebastian lives nearby you though doesn't he?” pressed Damon.

“His house is just up the road,” conceded Mark.

 

He could tell them that the truth was Seb spent most of the time living at his house, but why give them that?

 

“It's handy for Milton Keynes,” Mark noted.

“Very convenient,” noted Martin.

Mark gave an acknowledging little tip of the head to what he supposed was Martin's deliberately vague point.

“So I imagine you see a fair bit of each other then?” suggested Johnny.

Mark almost laughed. More than a bit.

“Well yes of course. We're together. That's really rather the point.”

 

He did his best not to look at them as if they were idiots.

“I don't know if you missed that?”

The team laughed a little awkwardly.

“So you don't regret what happened earlier then?” asked Simon.

Mark stared at him.

“Regret it? You think I should _regret_ being relieved that Seb was okay after what happened in that crash? He could have been killed. That rear wing nearly took his fucking head off for Christ's sake.”

 

Mark huffed out an angry breath, not even realising that he'd sworn at them live on air. How could people not understand what it meant, what Sebastian meant to him? This wasn't just some funny bit of gossip for them to enjoy.

 

Mark looked at the group with complete seriousness.

“What would _you_ do if you thought the person you loved was hurt?”

 

All four men looked back at him slightly stunned by the challenge and the fact that Mark had just declared that he loved Seb without the slightest hesitation.

 

“We just did what anyone else naturally would have in the circumstances,” finished Mark.

He looked at them daring any one of them to contradict him, but none did.

“Well if we're done here?”

“Oh umm, yes, thanks Mark,” allowed Martin.

 

Mark turned on his heel and walked away.

Simon looked back at the camera rather thrown by the strength of Mark's response.

“Yes, well, apologies for the bad language there but obviously emotions are running high today, naturally so, of course. And of course I didn't mean to imply that Mark should regret what happened, I misspoke there, obviously,” Simon faltered, wishing the deck would open up and deposit him into the sea. They had no experience of dealing with _anything_ like this before.

Martin took the reins and tactfully cut to an ad-break to allow them to re-group.

 

 

Mark walked away knowing that he'd stumbled into yet another mistake again today. Britta would probably want to belt him upside the head for wandering into that unplanned little extra media foray. So much for calm and considered careful media planning.

He puffed out a breath. Never mind not leaving Seb's room, Mark thought he probably should never leave his house again.

Mark made his way back to Seb's room where at least he couldn't get himself into any more trouble and dumped himself down on the bed face first.

 

 

A little later Sebastian returned accompanied by Britta and Christian.

Mark sat up and looked at them.

“Oh umm, Britta, I'm sorry. I ran into...” he started.

“I saw,” interrupted Britta.

“Oh god, I'm a walking disaster-zone today. I'm so sorry,” Mark apologised.

“No, I should have warned you that they were around.” 

She held up a hand to stop him apologising further.

“What you said was honest and heart-felt, I can't fault you for that. Plenty of people will respond to that.”

Sebastian went over to sit next to him and slid his arm around his waist. He smiled at him.

“And you just went live on air to say that you loved me.”

“Ah, yeah, I guess I did do that,” Mark confessed with a sneaking smile.

 

“I'm pretty sure you did that earlier already,” noted Christian from the doorway.

“Ah well, in for a penny in for a pound. Don't worry about it Mark. Right, well I'm just here to say you're done. There's a car waiting to take you two to the airport.”

Mark let out a long sigh of relief.

“I hate to point it out, but you know this isn't over?” noted Britta.

“We know,” conceded Sebastian sounding far less happy than he had a moment ago.

“Okay well I'll call you tomorrow. In the meantime try not to trip over any more media, don't answer any unknown calls, avoid twitter and frankly the internet generally,” instructed Britta.

“And try not to worry,” suggested Christian somewhat optimistically.

Mark raised a dubious eyebrow at the unrealistic notion.

“Well alright, try not to worry too much. We'll get through this. Maybe it wasn't what we planned, but it's done now so we'll make the best of it.”

Christian tried giving them his firmest voice and a reassuring smile.

“Okay you'd better get going then. I've got a couple of guys to go along with you to the car just in case. We'll speak soon. You know where I am if you need to call me.”

 

They got up and exchanged hugs before heading out to find their car, hoping that enough time had now passed for the media swell outside to have died down. At least they were going home now. Neither Mark nor Seb could wait to get out of there, but they both knew that Britta was right; This wasn't over.

 

 

 


	43. Getting Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yet another one that has got out of hand and has been split into a two-parter. I really have no editing skills whatsoever I'm afraid!

 

  


They arrived home on Sunday night grateful that they had managed to catch an early enough flight that few other Formula One personnel were onboard. Seb had slept for much of the journey, leading Mark to wonder if this was reaction to the delayed shock Dr. Phillips had spoken of, or whether he was just worn out by the strain of their dramatic day. He didn't speak much on the drive back from the airport either, but Mark wasn't about to push him. What more was there to say anyway? They both knew the score; the paddock press had been bad enough, but the wider media were bound to be worse. There was nothing to be done but wait and see.

  


Seb walked through the front door and dumped down his bags, more relieved to be home than he thought he ever had been in his life before. He felt so tired he wasn't sure how he was managing to put one foot in front of another.

Mark was about to chide Sebastian for his bad habit of ditching his stuff just inside the hallway where they'd fall over it, when he took a look at his face and saw how wiped out Seb appeared.

“Why don't you go make us a cup of tea while I take our stuff up?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian nodded and headed into the kitchen to boil the kettle.

 

He sat down at the table and rested his head down on his arms lying on the top. It was good to be home, but he knew that things weren't over. If anything, things were about to get a lot worse. Now that he didn't have anyone watching him, forcing him to hold it together as he presented his best face to the world, Seb started to unravel as every suppressed worry pressed in; What the tabloids would say, how they would dig into their lives; how it would affect their families who were being so great about everything.

It was so unfair. All they wanted was to be able to live their lives and be together like any other couple. Why did the world have the right to pry in and pass judgement on them?

They'd been trying so hard to manage it all, to keep to their worked out plan and now all that had gone out of the window. They had no control over what was going to happen now. No control at all. No idea what affect it would have on them and the people they loved. It was terrifying.

 

The more he thought about it, the more frightened Sebastian became. It was _all_ unknown. Britta and Christian had been doing their best and they'd coped remarkably well today, but even with all their professional positivity they couldn't predict what was going to happen.

It wasn't just like they were walking off a cliff. They were walking off a cliff in the dark.

Seb felt exhausted. He couldn't keep it back any more, he had no more energy left to fight the tide of emotion submerging him. He screwed his eyes shut and balled up his fists in a last ditch effort to prevent himself falling apart, but he was too strung out to stop a sob from leaking out. Once started he couldn't stop and Seb was crying uncontrollably.

 

 

 

Mark walked back into the kitchen to find Sebastian hunched over the table, his shoulders twitching as he sobbed. He stopped in the doorway and closed his eyes for a moment as he sighed. Seb had been so strong all day, Mark should have known what it was costing him to repress all of that emotion.

He went over and pulled a chair over so he could sit right by Sebastian and fit his arm over him.

Sebastian didn't move for a while. He was too lost in the tumult of all his fears piling in on him. Eventually though he pulled enough of himself together to lift himself up from the table and look at Mark whose face was taut and unhappy.

“I, I'm sorry...” Seb stuttered between continued sobs.

“Hey, hey, no. You don't need to be sorry,” reassured Mark.

 

Sebastian tried to speak again but it was lost in his snatched breaths as he tried to stop himself from crying, only succeeding in upsetting himself further as he thought about what a mess he was.

Mark pulled Seb over so he could hold on to him. He felt Sebastian's chest juddering against his own and tried to sooth him, telling Seb that it was okay, that they were home now, that his awful day was over. But Sebastian knew that nothing was over and that thought only frightened him more and soon he was shaking. Mark held Seb tighter and tried stroking his back to calm him.

“Come on mate, it's okay, it's okay,” he tried.

Sebastian pulled himself up to look at Mark.

“It's not though. It's not okay. Nothing's okay.”

 

Mark pushed away the tears on Seb's cheek with his thumb.

“You did _so_ good today Seb. You were amazing. I don't know how you do that, you know? Facing all the press and answering their questions when they were being such arseholes. You kept it all together and said all the right things.”

Mark gave him a little smile.

“You're so strong. All that crap going on and you stand there smiling at them like it wasn't happening. I really don't know how you do it. You're incredible. I was watching on TV and I was just so impressed mate.”

Mark shook his head in disbelief.

“They showed the mob you had to fight your way through to get there and then you act like such a pro. You were so brave.”

 

Sebastian started shaking his head, still crying. He tried speaking again, but his chest felt so tight it hurt.

“I'm not brave. I, I'm not.”

“Yeah you are,” contradicted Mark firmly.

“I'm not. I, I, I...”

Seb was gulping for air, worrying Mark as he thought he was in danger of slipping into an attack.

“Okay, it's alright, just slow down a minute, breathe slowly, just breathe. Don't think about anything else for a minute, okay?”

Sebastian closed his eyes and did as he was told. He felt Mark's hand rubbing his arm and shut everything else out apart from that and his attempts to make his chest move more slowly.

 

He reopened his eyes and saw Mark looking at him, his brow furrowed with concern.

“Okay?”

Seb nodded, feeling a little steadier.

Mark gave a tight smile and rubbed his arm again.

“Don't put yourself down Seb. You are brave. You handled things so well.”

“But I'm not. I was really scared. I hated being in all that crowd, they were pushing and shoving and I just wanted you there.”

Mark sighed, hating that Seb had had to face that alone.

“By the time I got to the pen I was a mess,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark gave an almost laugh. “You didn't look it. You looked fine.”

Seb tried to smile.

“That's cos the only thing that scared me more was that I was going to break down in front of all of them and they'd finally see how weak I really am inside.”

 

His face crumpled again and Mark pulled him in to give him a squeeze before sitting him back up and looking firmly at him.

Mark shook his head.

“You're not weak Seb. You're not. Just getting through that _shows_ how strong you are mate, alright? Being scared doesn't make you weak. _I_ was scared. I was terrified when you crashed, I was scared when all that press appeared, I'm scared what's going to happen now.”

Sebastian looked at him. “Yeah?”

Mark nodded. “Yes, of course. You're not on your own in this. It's both of us together, alright?”

Seb nodded.

“And the fact you were scared and did it anyway, that's what makes you brave. You do it all the time and you just don't see it mate. That's what's so impressive, you don't even see how strong you are, but you _should_ , alright? You need to know that you are strong. You're going to get through this. _We're_ going to get through this. Okay?”

Mark looked at him very firmly and Sebastian nodded again.

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“You're better than me. I nearly lost it with Sky. You were out there being all professional and I just swore at them.”

 

Seb managed a little smile, thinking over what Britta had recounted had happened when Mark was ambushed for that interview and Mark had told the world he loved him.

“They deserved it,” Seb suggested. “What they said was so stupid.”

“Yeah, true. As if I'm ever going to regret kissing you?”

Mark had a teasing smile on his face and Sebastian couldn't fail to match it.

“I don't regret it either,” Sebastian insisted.

“You don't?”

“No.”

“Even though we totally fucked up our nice sensible plan in the process?”

Seb pushed out the longest sigh.

“I don't know. It might be a mess, but I can't regret it. That would be like regretting you. Like regretting us being together, and I'm never going to do that. Not ever.”

“Too bloody right.”Mark smiled and gave Seb a little confirming kiss and a hug.

 

As they moved apart Mark took a deep breath.

“Okay why don't I make us that tea and we'll go and have a sit down in the lounge and you can tell me everything you're worrying about?”

“And you?”

“Yeah mate, me too, okay.”

 

Mark got up to make them a couple of mugs of tea for them to take through. They sat on the sofa as they always did and Seb felt better to be close with Mark as he slotted into place up against him with Mark's arm resting over his shoulder.

Sebastian looked up at Mark.

“Are you really scared too?”

Mark always seemed so solid it was hard to imagine him being scared like he was.

Mark sighed. “Yeah mate a bit.”

“What of?”

“Pffffff... What the press will say. What it'll be like for our families to go through that. Whether the media is going to hassle them.”

He shook his head a little, not wanting to add to Sebastian's worries, but feeling it was more important to be honest so Seb didn't feel he was alone in his fears.

“I'm worried what other kids are are going to say to my nieces and nephew at school tomorrow morning, I'm worried what it's going to be like for Fabian. I'm worried about what Andreas meant when he said there might be some above him at Porsche who won't like it.”

 

Sebastian turned further into him and reached his arm around Mark's front to hold them closer together in their shared worries. He hadn't thought about Leanne's kids and how it would be for them, he'd never met them, but he felt selfish for not considering them too. All these innocent parties that might suffer because of them. His poor little brother who was doubtless going to have all kinds of stuff thrown at him now. It was awful.

 

“Do you think there's going to be trouble with your team?” Seb asked.

“Ah I don't know. Andreas seemed okay, so that's something.”

“But they've supported you publicly now,” protested Sebastian. “They can't back out of that can they?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno mate. If they really wanted to I'm sure they could find a way. I don't know. I guess it depends how things go from here. It's better for them if it's not a problem they have to deal with.”

Sebastian frowned. “But it's not your fault if the press make trouble.”

Mark gave a dry laugh. “Some won't see it that way. Ah I don't know. That's a worst case scenario. I don't have the history with them you have with RedBull. The ties aren't as strong. But if the races go well and things die down in the press, I'd hope they'd forget about it and we could move on.”

Seb shifted himself up a bit to look at Mark.

“You _are_ going to do well. I know it. Second and fourth so far, that's pretty good. I'm sure Le Mans is going to go great this year.”

Mark squeezed him, thankful for Sebastian's certainty.

“You still want me to come don't you?” checked Sebastian.

“Of course I do. I've been looking forward to it for ages.”

Seb smiled. “Me too. Since all the way last year.”

“Yeah? Good. Okay well nothing's going to change that. We're not going to let all this fuss change what we do okay?”

Sebastian nodded.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Actually no, scrap that. We _are_ going to change. We're not going to have to hide how we feel any more, so it's going to be better.”

 

Seb thought about that for a moment. He'd hardly considered that there was one very important upside to all of this.

“Guess that's true,” he admitted.

“So it's not all bad,” asserted Mark.

“Yeah,”agreed Sebastian quietly.

 

“Okay, your turn. You tell me what you're worrying about,” requested Mark.

Sebastian took a calming breath before speaking. He sat forward and sipped his tea for a moment. Mark had put sugar in it he realised, a long time since he'd had to do that. Seb wondered if Mark had put sugar in his own tea. He didn't really like the taste of it, but it did help him feel soothed as the drink warmed him up and he felt far less shaky than he had before.

It felt much better to know he wasn't alone in his fears too. He still found it strange to think of Mark being afraid of anything, but if Mark said it was so then was how it was; Mark never lied to him. Seb knew he could trust him, it was the absolute foundation of their relationship. He knew he could have no concerns about sharing his own fears with him.

 

“Same I guess, about our families, about them being affected when it's not their fault.”

“Not _fault_ ,” adjusted Mark.

“No okay,” relented Seb. “But they are going to get it because of us and that's not fair.”

Mark sighed. “No it's not.”

“And the press, what they're going to say about us. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I can't help it.”

Mark gave a little nod.

“We just have to stay away from it all. Like Britta said; don't look at the papers or the news, stay off the internet, or it'll mess with our heads.”

“Yeah but, Mark, what if they start digging about? What if they, what if they find out about...”

 

Seb was gripped suddenly by terror at the idea that the press could discover his past and what had happened with Heikki.

Mark didn't need it spelling out to know what Sebastian was referring to.

“That won't happen,” he said solidly.

“But what if it does? If all that came out, if everybody knew I'd never be able to face anyone. If my family found out...”

“It won't happen.”

“They'd be devastated.”

“ _Seb.”_

Mark gave him a squeeze.

“Seb that's not going to happen okay? How would they find out? Hmm? Who would tell?”

 

Sebastian shrugged helplessly, consumed by fear of the idea.

“There's no one who knows that would say anything. Think about it. Who knows? Christian, Dr. Phillips, Dr. Menton. They're not going to say anything are they?”

“I suppose,” relented Sebastian. “But they're not the only ones are they? The lawyers, the police.”

“They don't know the full story. They only know what we needed to tell them to get the restraining order, and they can't say anything or they'd lose their jobs.”

Seb sighed heavily. “I guess. But what if,” he took an unsteady breath, “what if _he_ went to the papers?”

Mark looked surprised. “He wouldn't. Why would he go and tell people? It would destroy his career. No one would ever employ him again.”

“But he wouldn't have to tell the truth. He could just say we were together, make things up about me.”

“He can't. He signed a legal document agreeing not to,” pointed out Mark.

 

Seb nodded. Maybe that was something, but he wasn't sure how much Heikki really cared about legal documents seeing as he'd broken the restraining order repeatedly last year by coming to his house and stalking him at races.

“You don't think he'd do it anyway? He didn't care last year.”

Mark sighed, trying not to think that that was true.

“What would he have to gain from it?” he asked, thinking surely nothing that would put Heikki in a good light, and only cause himself trouble.

Sebastian looked at the floor and shrugged.

“Seb?”

Sebastian swallowed before answering.

“Revenge. To punish me for getting away from him, for moving on, for being happy with you.”

 

Mark held Seb a little tighter, trying not to allow himself to think that Heikki was twisted enough to endanger his own future in order to hurt Sebastian and him too. That just _couldn't_ happen.

“He won't, okay. There's no way he'd throw away his career like that. It's the one thing that really scared him when Christian threatened him in Austria, wasn't it?”

“I suppose.”

“So he can't do anything, and no one on our side is going to say anything. So there's nothing to worry about. Okay?”

Sebastian nodded and tried to absorb Mark's words and convince himself of the truth of them.

He sank his head down onto Mark's chest and felt the comfort of being wrapped up in his arms in the safety of home. No one could touch them here. They just had to wait out the storm.

“Come on mate, why don't we go to bed? I'm knackered, aren't you?”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

 

They went up and although Seb thought that surely his fears would keep him awake all night, his body was so tired it gave out after five minutes. Mark lay awake looking at him sleeping, thinking how close a call Sebastian had in the race earlier. He stroked a hand very lightly through Seb's hair and said a silent prayer of thanks that he was safe. He'd meant what he had said; that was the only thing that really mattered. Mark moved his arm to rest over Seb to hold him in as he slept and closed his eyes, finally falling asleep.

  


  


 

 

 

 

Sebastian woke up. It was barely light outside and the room was still dark with the curtains closed, but he knew instinctively where he was. The first thought that ran through his head was that he was home in bed in with Mark, which was just where he wanted to be; He was safe and warm and happy and everything was okay.

His second thought came as a brutal blow. Everything _wasn't_ okay. He recalled everything that had happened the day before and the potential nightmare that awaited them. Seb shifted in closer to Mark and couldn't stop himself from clutching at him.

 

Mark woke up as he felt Seb tighten his hold on him and realised why that was. He reached over and brushed Seb's arm that he'd wrapped around him.

“Hey,” Mark said softly.

“Hey.”

“You alright?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath.

“Not really,” he confessed.

“Come here.”

Mark slid his arm underneath him and Seb moved so he could rest his head on Mark's shoulder.

They lay there not talking for a while. Eventually Mark gave Seb a squeeze and turned to kiss him on the forehead.

“Why don't we get up and go for an early run, see if a bit of exercise doesn't help clear our heads a bit?” Mark suggested.

“Yeah okay,” agreed Sebastian.

“Right. Just gonna go use the bathroom then.”

 

Mark pulled himself up out of bed and pulled on pair of tracksuit bottoms to leave the room.

  


  


As he stood cleaning his teeth something caught the corner of Mark's eye. A shadow moved in the light coming through the frosted bathroom window. At first he thought he was imagining things, but then it happened again so he went and opened the little window to look outside.

Mark froze.

There were people out in front of the house.

_Fuck._

 

He walked out of the bathroom and went along to one of the bedrooms that faced the front so he could see more clearly. Mark stood far back, just inside the door so that he couldn't be seen from outside, but from in here he had a good view of the driveway.

Mark's heart plummeted through the floor as it confirmed his fears; roughly a dozen people clustered around the entrance to the drive. They had to be reporters. Mark took a step further back and leaned against the doorframe feeling sick.

He closed his eyes and tried to compose himself. He knew he had to tell Seb even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, there was no hiding this. He couldn't protect Seb from what was happening literally on their doorstep.

 

Mark walked back into their bedroom which thankfully faced out into the back garden. Sebastian was midway through getting dressed into his running gear. As he pulled a t-shirt over his head he stopped, seeing the look on Mark's face.

“What is it?”

Mark took a deep breath and stepped closer to take Sebastian's hand and lead him to sit at the foot of the bed. Seb looked at him knowing something had to be very wrong.

“Mark?”

Mark sighed heavily. “Oh god, I'm sorry Seb, there's people out in front. I think they must be press.”

Sebastian sat there stiffly trying not to over-react. He pushed out a shaky breath.

“Are there many of them?” he asked.

Mark squeezed his hand.

“A few, maybe a dozen.”

Seb closed his eyes a second before looking back at him.

“What are they doing?”

Mark shrugged.

“Nothing. Just standing around. I'm not sure what they think they're going to get from doing that.”

Sebastian frowned. “Why are they even here? What's the point?”

“I don't know. It's just what they do I suppose.”

“It's not even 7am.”

Seb shook his head, not comprehending why people would behave in that way. It didn't make sense. He knew they'd caused a stir, but what on earth could they possibly hope to gain from waiting around outside the house at the crack of dawn?

 

Sebastian stood up, causing Mark to frown at him.

“What are you doing?” he enquired.

“I want to see,” explained Seb.

 

Mark got up and they went back to the nearest front bedroom to look out at the front.

Sebastian felt as though his whole body sagged at the sight of all the people milling around outside. Mark stood behind him and wrapped both his arms around him as they stared unhappily out.

“They can't see us can they?” worried Seb.

“Not here.”

Mark was sure that this far back from the window the waiting crowd wouldn't be able to get a glimpse of them looking down.

Seb turned around in his arms and rested his head down on Mark's shoulder.

“At least they're not trying it on,” noted Mark. “They've not come up to the house so that's something.”

The reporters hadn't ventured onto the drive as far as he could see, so at least they had some boundaries. Maybe they were just waiting till a little later when they would definitely be up, or maybe they were waiting for them to go outside. Who knew?

 

Sebastian lifted his head.

“What do we do?”

Mark shook his head.

“I don't know. Don't go out I guess. Wait for them to go away.”

“Do you think they will?”

Mark could only shrug again. He had no answers on this.

 

They went back into their bedroom and sat back down on the bed.

“I guess we should call Britta. See what she thinks,” suggested Sebastian.

“Yeah okay,” agreed Mark. “Might be a bit early yet.”

Seb moved and found his phone on the nightstand, looking at the time. It was early yet to disturb people after all they'd had to do yesterday.

He puffed out a long breath.

“Guess that run's off,” noted Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Not that I think they could keep up with us,” joked Mark, causing Seb to huff a laugh despite himself.

 

Seb put his hands behind him and leaned back, tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling, trying not to let the madness of the situation get on top of him.

“What do you want to do?” asked Mark.

Sebastian pulled himself back up.

“Are we just going to be trapped in the house?” he wondered.

Mark puffed a breath.

“I don't know. I don't much fancy walking the dogs with that lot for company.”

Seb gave a half-smile at the image of a trail of reporters traipsing up the hill behind them.

“Do you think Simba and Shadow would bite them?”

Mark gave a little laugh.

“I'm sure they would if we told them to.”

He let out a long breath, knowing jokes didn't really help. There was no way they were going to risk any kind of encounter with the press.

 

“What if we went to mine?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark paused.

“They might be at yours too,” he pointed out.

“Hmm, but at least at mine we've got, you know, the gym and pool. I think I'll go a bit nuts if I just have to sit around all day,” explained Seb.

 

Mark nodded slowly.

“Okay, yeah I guess that makes sense. We'll have to get past that lot first though.”

Seb sent him a little smile.

“We could always mow a few down in the car?”

Mark grinned and gave Sebastian a kiss.

“Good plan.”

  


  


 

They changed and threw a few essentials into bags, not knowing how long they would be staying at Sebastian's. Mark went down into the kitchen, dipping down by the dogs' baskets.

“Sorry boys I know you're comfy but we're going to Seb's. There are some nasty people outside, but you're not allowed to eat them.”

He felt Sebastian's hand on his shoulder and looked up at him, giving Seb a little smile.

Seb smiled back and looked at the dogs in turn.

“But you could bark at them a bit, that would be fine.”

 

Mark clipped the leads onto the dogs to take them through. Normally they were quite well behaved enough to jump into the car when told to, but they were bound to be unsettled by the strangers outside and for all their little jokes, if anything happened the consequences could be disastrous.

 

They stood with the dogs in the hall.

“Ready?” asked Mark.

Seb took a deep breath and nodded before Mark pulled the door open quickly before they had time to let their fears overtake them.

As the pair stepped out of the house they were bombarded by a predictable deluge of shouted questions and flashing cameras from the end of the drive, the dogs pulling on their leads and barking at the perceived threat. They got over to Mark's car as quickly as possible, trying hard not to even look in the direction of the press. Seb opened the boot and on Mark's command the dogs turned their attention away from the small crowd and jumped in. Sebastian threw the bags onto the back seat and they got into the car.

 

Mark turned to him from the driver's seat.

“Alright?”

“Do you think they'll follow us?” Seb wondered.

“Dunno. Guess we're about to find out. To be honest if I can't outdrive them I should probably hang my head in shame and retire.”

Sebastian managed a smile and Mark started the car, edging forwards down to the exit of the drive and forcing the people out of their path as none were quite stupid enough to let themselves get run over. A few more flashes went off through the car windows and questions were shouted but they ignored them and pushed their way out onto the road and pulled away.

After a few moments Seb looked back and reported that it did look as if a few had gone to their cars that were parked along the lane, but they would be too far behind.

 

As Mark stopped at a junction Sebastian looked at the direction signs and a thought occurred to him.

“Oh hell. Mark there's not much in at mine. Food I mean, even for the dogs.”

Mark halted. He could have said it might have been an idea to have mentioned that before they left so they could take things from his house, but it was hardly surprising Seb had been distracted.

“Right okay.”

He flicked the indicator in the opposite direction and took the road towards the supermarket.

“If they are following us, I think we might have confused them now,” Mark noted.

  


  


  


They parked up at the supermarket a few miles away and sat in the car for a moment looking to see if anyone else pulled up, but if anyone had followed them, Mark had been correct; going in the opposite direction to Sebastian's house must have thrown them off the scent.

As no one seemed to be around they went inside and got what they needed, deciding it might be prudent to cover what they might need for a couple of days, just in case. The girl on the till stared at them and Sebastian tried not to think what that signified. They'd shopped here together countless times over the last year and a half and never garnered the slightest bit of attention before.

Walking out towards the exit they passed the newspaper stand and despite their very best efforts it was impossible not to look.

Seb stood in front of it, dropping the bags he was carrying to the floor.

 

Every single newspaper was emblazoned with the picture of _that kiss_. The two of them in close-up, right there in colour, over and over and over again.

“Oh my god!”

Sebastian felt ill. He'd known that what had happened would be all over the news, but to actually see it in reality was still somehow shocking.

“Don't look,” pleaded Mark.

But he too was stuck in front of the display, trying frantically to stop himself from reading the headlines.

Trying and failing.

 

 

**The Kiss That Shook F1**

**F1 CHAMP IN GAY SHOCK**

**Ex-Team-mates Come Out As Lovers**

**4 Time World Champion reveals he is in a relationship with his former RedBull rival**

**No Regrets: “I don't regret it.” Says Mark Webber after kissing his former teammate and revealing their passion to the world**

**'What would _you_ do if you thought the person you loved was hurt?' The challenge issued to doubters.**

**New gay icons for the sporting world. Is football now the last bastion of homophobia?**

 

 

The temptation to pick the papers up and read what they had to say inside was almost too much. Sebastian reached out a hand but stopped mid-movement. Only pain lay there surely? He pulled his hand back and turned to Mark, still looking horrified.

“Come on mate, let's just go, okay?”

Seb nodded tightly and forced himself to step back and pick their shopping back up so they could leave.

No wonder the girl had stared at them.

  


 

They got back to the car thankful that at this early hour the place was pretty much deserted. Mark leaned over to Sebastian sat next to him and gave him a hug and they sat like that for a moment before shaking themselves out of it to drive on.

Seb turned to Mark as he drove.

“I did know it would be bad, but...” he left off, unable to express how much it cut to see way the papers were revelling in what had happened.

Mark glanced over as they swept through the lanes across to Seb's house.

“Yeah I know.”

He puffed out a breath. What was there to say? They _had_ known this was what would happen. Even if they'd carried out their 'perfect' plan it would probably still have made the front pages, but now they'd given the world the cover picture that editors dreamed of.

No doubt similar front pages existed all around the globe, especially in their home countries. Mark didn't like to think of their families getting the same shock they had just had, but there was nothing they could do to prevent it.

 

 

Seb switched on the radio to play some music to distract them as they drove along. It worked for a while until the presenter cut in.

“And now for Vassos with the sport. And I'm guessing there's one story leading today?”

“That's right, on both the front and back pages. Yesterday's Monaco Grand Prix was won in resounding style by Lewis Hamilton, but he's nowhere to be seen in the papers today as everyone seems _rather_ distracted by that moment in the RedBull garage...”

Sebastian was about to switch the radio off, but a part of him couldn't help but want to know what they were going to say, so he left it on, his hand hovering in mid-air in case it turned unpleasant.

Presenter Chris Evans cut back in. “And what a moment it was. I've got to say I was in danger of dropping off watching what was frankly a pretty dull race and then didn't we get quite the wake-up call? Blimey. I didn't see that one coming.”

“I don't think anyone did.”

Chris laughed. “All putting rather a new spin on all those years they spent fighting as team-mates, eh?”

Mark looked over at Sebastian and he finally raised his hand to the off switch, but just before he did the presenter carried on.

“Well good on them I say.”

“Absolutely.”

“About time F1 joined the modern world I reckon. So Mark, Sebastian, if you're listening we'd love to hear from you if you fancy giving us a call for a chat, so feel free to get in touch.”

 

Sebastian finally switched the radio off.

“Nope, I think not.”

He looked over at Mark.

“Guess not everyone's against us.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“I'm sure there's plenty who aren't.”

Seb nodded. It was slightly reassuring to hear people being in their favour, but he was still uncomfortable being reminded that they had caused such a stir and knowing that the whole world was talking about them.

  


  


 

 

As they pulled up to Sebastian's house they saw what they had suspected; there was a crowd in front here too. Even a few more here than there had been at Mark's.

“Do you think some of them came here from yours?” wondered Seb.

“Probably mate,” concurred Mark.

 

As they got closer to the house Mark thought how Sebastian had been right to suggest moving to his place. Seb's house had high walls around it and a tall metal electric gate. Mark had long thought of it as representing Seb's refuge; Its protective encirclement and security systems were not anything they had ever discussed, but Mark had known well enough that Sebastian had felt the need for them following what had occurred when Heikki had turned up at his former house and left him feeling too unsafe to stay there alone.

It was a refuge for both of them now.

 

As Mark slowly forced the crowd to part to allow the car through, Seb pressed the button on his keyring to open the gates and they drove through. Both silently thanking the assembled media for their restraint, minimal though it was, for not following them through to trespass onto the drive.

Mark pulled the handbrake on and put his hand on Seb's thigh.

“We did know they'd be here too.”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah I know.”

It was still slightly depressing to see it though.

Mark nodded and turned around to the dogs who were still barking at the strangers who had shouted at their beloved masters.

“Quiet now,” he commanded, and the dogs whined for a moment before dropping their heads to obey.

 

Mark and Seb glanced at one another before nodding and getting out of the car at the same time to let the dogs out and retrieve their things so they could go into the house, ignoring the repeated flurry of activity occurring beyond the barred gate.

Once in the house they went straight to the kitchen and dumped everything down as the dogs fussed around their legs. Both Mark and Seb crouched down to give them a stroke and thank them for being well behaved, secretly taking more than a little comfort from the simple affection the dogs offered in return.

  


  


 

They put away what they had bought and settled down the dogs with some food in the corner before finally getting themselves some breakfast.

They didn't talk too much. It felt as though they hardly needed to when they were both in the same position. With the high walls surrounding the house, the only place that the crowd through the gate could be seen was through the small window to the side of the front door or by going upstairs to look from one of the front bedrooms. Even from Seb's lounge that stretched from front to back of the house you couldn't see anything and as long as you kept the windows on that side closed nothing could be heard either. It helped both of them in their efforts to forget that there was anyone out there.

 

Sebastian finally rang Britta once it reached a reasonable hour and filled her in. There wasn't much she could do other than give them the slightly redundant advice not to engage the media outside. Seb admitted that they had accidentally seen the front pages of the newspapers and Britta reminded him that they were far better off steering clear of actually reading them or looking on the internet.

Sebastian wasn't sure if he should ask, but he did anyway.

“Have you looked?”

Britta puffed a breath.

“I've just started,” she admitted.

There was a huge pile of newspapers in front of her and she had already skim read through those she could access online.

“And?” pressed Sebastian.

 

Britta wasn't quite sure what to say. She didn't want to upset Sebastian, but he wasn't a child, so she owed him an overview at least.

“Well it's big news as you'd expect. Pretty much worldwide.”

“Right. Am I going to regret asking what they're saying?”

“Ah well, I've not really read it all, but first glance I'd say most of the focus is more on the fact it's you and Mark given your past.”

“But not all of it?”

“No,” she admitted reluctantly. “Look Seb we always knew there would be parts of the world that wasn't going to take this well. There's not a lot we can do about that.”

“No okay.”

“I've really only read the British press properly so far, but there's plenty of stuff in there that is supportive too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But I still wouldn't suggest you read it,” Britta reminded.

“I don't plan on it,” Sebastian stated. “What about the German press?”

“Well like I said, I've not got through it all yet, but headline stuff is much as you'd expect; the tabloids are pretty over the top, but there's some more balanced stuff elsewhere. Try not to get caught up in worrying over it, alright Seb?”

“Hmm.”

 

Easier said than done thought Sebastian.

“I know you're not on Twitter, but I'd remind Mark to steer clear for now,” she advised.

“Yeah okay.”

Britta thought Sebastian didn't sound too happy, but that was hardly surprising the circumstances.

“I'm sorry, there's not a lot I can do about the press outside your house unless they actually trespass onto the property. Have they done anything like that?”

“No, we're pretty secure here. I guess we just have to wait it out,” suggested Seb.

 

All Britta could do was sympathise and promise to keep tabs on things for him. She wasn't sure whether it was worse having to go through all the media coverage, or for Seb and Mark having to sit around unable to do anything. Worse for them Britta knew, seeing as she wasn't the subject of all the interest. The social media manager was having a far worse time than her at any rate. Mark and Sebastian and what had happened the day before was still trending all over Twitter and he'd already started a list of some of the most offensive posts and few that they were considering reporting to the police. No way she was telling Sebastian that right now though. They had more than enough on their plates for the time-being.

  


  


Seb walked back into the lounge and found the wi-fi box behind the television.

“I think I'm going to unplug it, to remove temptation, you know?” Sebastian explained.

“Oh okay.”

“You don't mind do you?”

Mark shook his head. “No, think that's very wise mate.”

Seb nodded and unplugged the connector, before going over to join Mark on the sofa.

“Fancy a swim?”

“Yeah alright,” agreed Mark.

  


Keep busy. That was the only constructive thing that they could do. Use the pool, use the gym. Throw some tattered old tennis balls for the dogs to chase in the back garden so they were at least getting a run around and some fresh air.

  


They both rang their families again. There wasn't a whole lot more to say, but it was good to hear their voices and be reassured that things hadn't been too terrible for them. Both Mark and Sebastian found themselves playing down how much it bothered them that every time they checked to see if the press were still camped out in front they got confirmation that they hadn't moved. Neither wanted to worry their families and suspected that their families in turn might be doing the same in return.

Sebastian's father did admit that they had had a few reporters knock on the door, but they had slammed the door in their faces. He didn't tell him that he had decided to run Fabian into school himself rather than let him walk to school as he usually did. Seb waited until his brother was back from school to ring again to check that he was alright and was slightly encouraged by Fabian's attitude that anyone who had said anything was an idiot who didn't know anything.

What Fabian couldn't quite bring himself to tell his older brother was how it had felt as though the entire school was staring at him all day and how he had been convinced that every whispered conversation in class was about him. What was the point in worrying Seb when there was every chance he was just being paranoid? Fabian knew his brother had more than enough to worry him without adding to it.

  


Mark had caught his parents just as they were going to bed and was relieved to hear that they had managed to stay clear of any trouble. His mother had texted him to say that they had disconnected the house phone, so he rang her mobile and felt rather better to be told that so far at least they hadn't had any press on their doorstep and his father insisted that they hadn't even looked at the papers.

His sister on the other hand told Mark that she had been through nearly all of them and reported that whilst all of them had got ridiculously over-excited about the whole matter, they did actually seem most worked up about the fact that he was with Seb rather than that he was with man at all.

Mark felt bad that with the time difference he never seemed to call at a time when he could speak to his nephew and nieces. Leanne assured him that they'd handled the news fine and they were old enough to understand what was going on, but Mark suspected that when Leanne told him that things hadn't been 'too bad' for them in school, she was trying to make him feel better and that they were bound to have suffered some teasing at the very least.

  


  


 

 

By mid-afternoon they'd just about exhausted all their potential distractions and Mark couldn't help but think that what they really needed was a nice long walk out with the dogs to make them feel better. There was a beautiful blue sky outside, but there was also a small herd of reporters lurking out there too, so that just wasn't happening.

He sat down on the sofa by Seb and puffed out a long frustrated breath as he tipped his head back against the sofa.

“This is doing my head in,” Mark admitted.

Sebastian shuffled around in his seat, putting down his phone which he had just sent another text message to his brother on.

“You want to go for another swim?”

Mark huffed another breath.

“I want to take the dogs out, or go for a bike ride,” he complained, knowing that both were impossible.

Mark turned his head sideways towards Seb.

“Sorry. I wish I could shut my brain up a bit. I need something to distract me.”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah I know what you mean.”

He paused, thinking. They'd not switched the TV on all day, suspecting that there was a chance they might find themselves cropping up in the news, or the subject of comment on daytime programming. Sebastian wondered whether they should put a film on, but it seemed strange doing that in the middle of the day.

 

Seb sat forwards and took a sip of his drink when an idea struck him.

“Do you want to practice your German a bit?”

Mark hesitated a moment. “I'm not much good.”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“Well then all the more reason.”

“Are you going to be my teacher?” Mark sounded dubious.

Sebastian's smile spread into a grin.

“Are you going to behave?”

Mark burst out laughing.

“Oh my god.”

“No. Oh mein gott. Try that,” Seb instructed.

Mark crunched up his face, knowing he was going to be terrible at this.

“Come on. You've got to try,” demanded Sebastian.

Mark sighed, knowing there was no getting out of this.

“Mein gott,” he said in a distinctly Aussie brogue.

 

Seb giggled helplessly.

“Ah I can't do it,” protested Mark.

“Yes you can. You've been listening to it all, you just need to practice,” insisted Sebastian.

Mark narrowed his eyes at him.

“You just want to laugh at me.”

Sebastian put on his straightest face.

“No, no I won't. I won't okay. Come on. It'll keep us busy.”

“Hmmm, go on then,” relented Mark, knowing that Seb was right.

  


They spent the next hour going around the house, Seb pointing at things and telling Mark what the German word was for it and making him practice saying the word until he pronounced it correctly and trying to put together phrases using them.

By the time they sat down on the sofa with a coffee (or _kaffee_ as Sebastian insisted Mark say) Mark had to concede that it had been a good idea. He'd kept getting things so hopelessly wrong that Sebastian dissolved into giggles that he couldn't fail to join in with, no matter how hard he tried to pretend to be offended at his mockery.

  


“I honestly don't know how you do it mate,” Mark admitted.

“Hmm?”

“Speak in another language the whole time,” he explained.

Sebastian shrugged. “I don't know. It's been so long now it doesn't even really seem like another language.”

Mark frowned a little as he wondered.

“Do you even have to think before you speak?”

“To translate you mean?”

“Mmm.”

Seb gave a little shake of his head. “No. I mean the odd word, maybe, but no. It's just normal now.”

Mark nodded.

“You're incredible, you know that?”

Seb glanced down coyly.

“No I'm not.”

“Yeah. You are,” Mark insisted.

“Plenty of people speak more than one language,” Seb noted.

“I don't care. I think _you're_ incredible.”

Mark leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and was rewarded by seeing a happier look on Sebastian's face than he had seen since before all the trouble had started in Monaco.

 

He meant it. Mark thought Sebastian was incredible. The more he thought about it, the more impressive it was; All that stress Seb had been under when he had faced the media yesterday and for most of the time he'd been having to do it in his second language. Half the time Mark completely forgot that Sebastian even was German, he barely even noticed his accent these days. Mark on the other hand had been struggling with the most basic terms this afternoon.

“You just need practice,” reasoned Sebastian.

“Hmm, lots of it. I don't know, I think I understand more that I hear than I can say,” Mark explained.

“Well that's just a confidence thing,” asserted Seb.

“Maybe you just can't teach an old dog new tricks?” said Mark wryly.

Seb shook his head. “Nonsense. You're not old.”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“You're not. Not to me. You're perfect,” Sebastian insisted.

Mark laughed, but Seb looked at him with dead seriousness.

“You are perfect, to me.”

 

There was no answer to that. They ended up looking at one another for far too long, each in danger of getting a little overwhelmed by their emotions.

Mark slid both hands around Sebastian's waist to pull him closer so they could kiss. As they pulled apart, Seb was smiling. He leaned in and whispered into Mark's ear.

“Ich liebe dich.”

Mark moved to look at Sebastian.

“See that one I understood fine,” he smiled.

Seb gave him a very soft look and then followed up.

“Now you try.”

Mark gave him a smile back.

“Ich liebe dich,” he tried tentatively. “How was that?”

“Works for me,” smiled Sebastian.

It didn't matter if Mark pronounced it correctly, Seb knew he meant it.

He shifted in against Mark who moved to put his arm over his shoulder to hold Seb in. Mark kissed his head as Sebastian settled against him and they sat there for a while.

 

Eventually Sebastian pulled himself up.

“I've got an idea.”

“Hmm?”

 

Seb got up and dug around in the cabinet underneath the television, pulling out a box-set that was still shrink-wrapped.

“Mel gave it me for Christmas,” Seb explained. “It's a crime thing, it's meant to be pretty good but I've never had the time to sit down and watch it. It's in German.”

“Oh right,” Mark realised where he was going. “Umm, yeah okay. I'm not sure I'll really be good enough to follow it though.”

“We can put the subtitles on.”

“Well my reading is better but...”

Sebastian started laughing. “In _English_.”

Mark nearly smacked his forehead.

“Ohh, right, sorry, yeah good idea. Yeah stick it on.”

“Great.”

 

Sebastian smiled, glad to think that he was really helping both Mark's language skills and keeping them distracted. He stuck the first DVD on and went back over to settle down with Mark to watch it, the dogs slinking in from the kitchen to join them and take position under their feet by the sofa.

  


It killed a few hours for them and Mark was surprised to find that he managed not only to get into the flow of the dialogue, but that he was following quite a lot of it without having to read the subtitles below. The involved plot also meant that the drama was absorbing enough that he actually forgot all about their real world concerns for a while. Mark smiled at Seb as they finally got up to go and find some dinner, thinking what a smart cookie he was.

  


After dinner they looked outside and saw that the crowd had finally abandoned their vigil and gone, whether that was permanent or not they had no idea, but at least now Mark and Seb had chance to take the dogs out for a walk before it got properly dark and breathe a little free air.

 

As they went to bed that night they both thought they had actually got through the day far better than they had anticipated. It wasn't good, but it felt as though good wasn't really an option right now. All they could do was stick together and survive as best they could.

They just had to get through each day at a time and surely things would get better?

  


 


	44. For What It's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is the second part to the previous chapter which yet again spun out of control as I do have a tendency to get a little carried away...

* * *

 

 

 

 

The next morning their hearts sank to see that the members of the press had reappeared. Seb thought their number looked a little less, as a few of them must have had the sense to realise that they were wasting their time, but there were still too many to let them think that they could go about their business as normal.

They were left with little choice but to spend the day much as before. Christian rang and suggested that maybe he should come over, but Seb put him off, not wanting pictures to appear in the papers with his boss coming to his house making it look as though he was having to deal with a crisis.

 

 

 

By the third day both Mark and Sebastian were starting to feel as if they were under siege. Neither one of them could think why the press remained uselessly posted in front of the house when they never so much as opened a window on that side of the house.

When Mark confessed to Seb that he was sorely tempted to go out there and tell the lot of them to fuck off, Sebastian wondered if perhaps that wasn't the idea; That the press were hoping that if they waited long enough one or both of them would crack and lose the plot after being cooped up so long and then they would have a nice juicy follow-up story about how the pressure was getting to them.

When he shared his suspicion, Mark had to admit that it sounded only too plausible.

 

So they had no choice. They had to stay put. They could go back to Mark's, but the media would doubtless follow them there and then they would be trapped in a house with fewer distractions and be no better off.

The only other option they could come up with was that they go and stay somewhere else for a few days, but neither one of them really wanted to be away from home, so that didn't work either.

 

 

 

 

In the afternoon on the third day they were sat on the sofa trying to lose themselves in a few more episodes of the box-set they'd been watching when Seb's phone rang. Mark paused the DVD and Sebastian stepped out into the kitchen to take the call.

 

When he returned Mark could see Sebastian was upset.

“What is it?” he inquired.

 

Seb sat down heavily next to him.

“That was Mum,” he explained.

Mark looked worried.

“What's happened? Is she okay?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No she's fuming. There's something in _The Bild_ about Fabian. She says someone was bothering him outside of school and he said something to them and now it's all over the paper.”

Mark's shoulders sagged. This was exactly what they'd feared.

“Is he okay?” Mark checked.

“Hmm?”

Seb was still distracted thinking about things.

“Your brother.”

“Oh. Well he's at school. I'm not sure if he knows yet. She said it was in today's paper.”

 

Mark put an arm around Sebastian.

“I'm sorry,” he sympathised.

“It's hardly your fault,” noted Seb.

“Yeah but that's awful. They shouldn't be doing things like that. Even a tabloid must know they can't hassle some poor kid at school. That's not right. Surely there's laws about it? If he's under-age surely they shouldn't be talking to him.”

 

Seb let out a breath trying to steady himself. He suddenly felt angry. Mark was right; there was no way a reporter should have been picking on his little brother like that. An adult approaching a child at the school gate? If there wasn't a law against it, there should be.

 

“No they shouldn't. It's horrible. God knows what they said to him. They shouldn't be allowed to do that. I mean it's one thing for you and me, that's bad enough, but not Fabian, he's only sixteen. It isn't right.”

 

Mark gave him a squeeze to try to comfort him.

“It's not. Maybe your parents could make a complaint? I don't know what the rules are over there, but there must be someone they could say something to stop it.”

Sebastian shrugged. Tabloids always seemed to live by their own rules, but there had to be some point of recall.

“I could ask Britta maybe,” he suggested.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah good idea. She'd know. Actually I bet she'd probably sort it for them.”

 

Seb pulled his phone out again and started dialing and getting up at the same time. He spoke to Britta and she promised to do what she could to make a complaint and try to prevent it happening again, agreeing that even a tabloid ought to have some limits when it came to harassing a minor.

 

 

Seb sat down feeling a tiny bit better to at least have done something to try to help. He drummed his fingers on his knee and Mark knew that wasn't enough.

“What?” asked Mark.

Sebastian sighed.

“It's bad.”

“Hmm? What do you mean?” Mark wondered.

The way Seb had said that suggested he didn't mean the incident itself.

“I kinda want to know what is in the paper. Mum didn't say,” he confessed.

Mark nodded realising what Sebastian meant; he knew they'd resolved to abstain from looking at any of the newspaper coverage in an attempt to maintain some perspective on the whole thing.

“You want to look?” Mark checked.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know. I do and I don't. I want to know, but I don't want to look.”

He gave Mark a half-smile.

“I know that doesn't make any sense.”

“Yeah it does mate. I get it,” Mark assured.

 

Seb was worried about what he might see, but perhaps even more concerned that he'd spin himself into a ball of worry thinking the worst about what it might be.

 

Mark rubbed his jaw with his hand.

“Do you want me to look?” he suggested.

Seb paused for a while, before giving a little nod.

 

Mark went to dig out his laptop while Sebastian reconnected the internet. It took no time at all for Mark to find the article in question. There was a photograph of Fabian with his backpack on outside the school gates. Mark struggled through trying to read the article in German before realising that he could just click the Google Translate button at the top of the page. He re-read it in English and as an aside thought he hadn't done too badly before.

Sebastian was sat by his side in silence, carefully not looking at the screen. Mark turned to him and smiled, resting his hand on Seb's knee.

“Okay. I know it's not good that they did this, but, well, do you want to read it?” asked Mark.

Seb looked at him a little nervously and Mark nodded to let him know that it was okay.

 

Sebastian turned the screen further round and read it, first in the English in front of him as he forgot to change it and then clicking it back into German to see that the translation wasn't off. He looked back at Mark and gave him a tight smile, feeling a little choked.

 

There was a lot of filler about him and Mark generally, but when it got to the part with his brother, Seb couldn't help but be touched by what he had said when asked what he thought of the whole thing.

 

“Yes of course I'm proud of my brother. He's a great person, a great driver and a great brother. Everyone saying all this stuff. They don't know him, or Mark either. I don't care what anyone else says, they're all idiots and they can fuck off.”

Asked again how that had changed since what happened in Monaco, Fabian was reported to have snapped back.

“Changed? Nothing's changed. It's just you lot know now and you're making a stupid fuss. No wonder they didn't want to tell you.”

The article reported that when pressed as to what he thought about his brother being gay Fabian was quoted as saying.

“So what? Loads of people are gay. What's that got to do with anything?”

Pressed about the surprise revelation of his relationship with Mark, Fabian was said to have bitten back.

“It's only a surprise to you. You really are idiots if you think we didn't know.”

The writer told how when questioned about his family's reaction to finding out that they were together, Fabian had answered:

“We didn't 'find out', they told us.”

Asked when that was, Fabian reportedly shrugged and gave a vague “months ago” in reply.

Pushed yet further to say if they had been officially introduced, Fabian had told the reporter that they had visited before the start of the season and at Christmas, leaving the writer clearly frustrated that he didn't have the specific detail required.

The article finished off by asking again what his family's opinion was on them being together and Fabian had apparently said:

“We're pleased for them of course. Mark's great and they're really happy. Why wouldn't we be happy for them? You should leave them alone. I don't see what it's got to do with anyone. This stuff you're all saying is bullshit, you're just making stuff up cos you don't know anything, so why don't you all fuck off?”

 

 

Sebastian looked over and Mark and a little smile crept across his face to match the one Mark had.

Mark shook his head.

“Your mother's going to be calling us a bad influence with that mouth your little brother is developing.”

Sebastian let out a laugh.

“Oh dear.” Seb sighed. “Is it bad that I'm kindof pleased about what he said?”

“Nope. I think it's great. I mean obviously not that they bullied him into talking, but bless him your little brother gave as good as he got didn't he?”

“Yeah he really did.”

Sebastian leant sideways into Mark who slid his arm around him and gave him a squeeze.

“He's proud of you,” noted Mark.

Seb swallowed hard.

“Yeah,” he managed, but his voice cracked and Mark pulled him closer as Seb closed his eyes trying not to cry.

“Of course he is. He's a smart boy isn't he?”

Mark leant in and kissed Sebastian on the temple.

“He thinks the world of you,” continued Mark. “Nothing is ever going to change that.”

 

Seb nodded dumbly trying to pull himself together. He turned to Mark.

“He was pretty nice about you too.”

Mark nodded. “Yeah mate, he's a good kid. We should do something nice for him. He can't be having much fun right now.”

Sebastian sat himself upright.

“Yeah. I'm sure he'd like to come to a race,” he suggested.

“Good idea, maybe when all this has died down?”

“Mmm, wonder when that will be?”

Mark shrugged.

“Can't go on forever. Maybe he'd like to come and stay?” he proposed, thinking how Fabian had asked to do that when they had seen him last.

“In the summer break perhaps,” concurred Sebastian. “Yeah, I know he'd like that.”

Seb looked at his watch.

“I'll ring him in a bit when school's out and suggest it. That might cheer him up a bit.”

 

 

 

 

A little later Sebastian got a hold of his brother on the phone.

“Hey Fabe, you alright?” he inquired.

“Yeah I'm fine. How are you doing?”

“We're fine,” assured Seb.

“Are the press hassling you?” worried Fabian.

“We're not talking to them, it's okay.”

 

Sebastian didn't want to concern his brother by telling him that the media had so far refused to leave the front of the house despite getting nothing from them.

 

“Ah, umm Seb, did Mum tell you?” asked Fabian sounding anxious.

“Yeah she did. It's okay Fabian, alright?” reassured Seb.

“She's really mad about it. I'm sorry Seb, they were outside of school, I couldn't avoid them. I didn't mean to say anything, but they kept on with all this stuff about you.”

Sebastian sighed, hating that his brother had been so harassed.

“Mum's not mad at you Fabe, she's angry with _them,_ okay?”

“Yeah but I promised not to say anything,” worried Fabian.

“They shouldn't have been talking to you at all Fabe. I've spoken to Britta,” explained Sebastian.

“Is she annoyed with me?”

Sebastian almost laughed.

“No. No one's angry with you Fabian, okay? They goaded you on purpose to get you to say something. Britta's just going to try to make sure they can't go up to you again, that's all.”

 

Sat in his room, Fabian nodded with relief. He'd been feeling guilty ever since he'd snapped and spoken back to the reporter when he'd known he wasn't supposed to.

“Oh okay. Thanks.”

“What you said was really nice actually, so thank you. Not that I want to encourage you to say anything to the press again...”

“I won't,” insisted Fabian quickly.

“Good. Okay well that's for the best, cos they can twist what you say, so the best thing is to say nothing, but don't worry about this one, alright?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“How're you holding up otherwise? All okay?” double-checked Sebastian.

“Yeah we're okay. We're trying not to look at anything, but one of the neighbours showed Mum the paper, so...”

“Oh I see, well never mind. So listen, we were thinking, once all this has settled down would you like to come and visit?” offered Seb.

Fabian perked up.

“On my own?”

“Well yeah, if you wanted to. Maybe in the summer break sometime?”

“Yeah, that'd be brilliant,” replied Fabian, sounding far happier.

 

Seb smiled over at Mark sat by him.

“Well I can't promise it'd be that exciting, seeing as we pretty much live in the middle of nowhere,” admitted Sebastian.

“No that'd be cool though. Yeah I'd definitely like that,” insisted Fabian enthusiastically.

“Good stuff.”

“Can I say hello to Mark? Is he there?” wondered Fabian.

Sebastian rolled his eyes at how keen his brother always was to check in with Mark.

“Sure,” Seb agreed, handing over the phone to Mark.

 

“Hey mate, how's it going?” asked Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

“Good. I think your brother's pretty chuffed you said all that stuff, but let's not encourage them eh?”

“Yeah, no I won't talk to anyone else,” promised Fabian.

“Righto. Cos I think if your mum sees any more of that kind of bad language she might think that's me and Seb having a bad effect on you.”

Fabian laughed.

“No she won't, she thinks you're great. So I can come and stay then?” Fabian asked.

“Well I think that's up to your parents,” qualified Mark.

“Yeah but they'll be fine. Cool, I can meet your dogs,” enthused Fabian.

Mark laughed. “Yeah you can. You can help walk them.”

“Great.”

Fabian paused as he put things together in his head.

“Hang on, does that mean you _are_ living together?”

 

Mark stopped, not knowing what to say. He had no intention of lying to Seb's brother, but he wasn't sure it was his place to say.

“Oh, umm, I think I'll just pass you back,” he fumbled.

Mark put his hand over the phone as he handed it back to Sebastian, speaking sotto voce.

“He's asking if we're living together.”

Seb pulled a little face. It still wasn't a simple question to answer. He put the phone to his ear.

“Seb?”

“Yeah hi.”

“Why didn't Mark answer? Are you two living together now?” pressed Fabian.

“Erm, well, it's a bit complicated. We sort of are,” confessed Seb.

Fabian laughed.

“How do you _sort of_ live with someone?” he queried.

 

Sebastian shrugged. He never really thought about it these days, they just sort of did.

“Well, we have our own houses, but we stay together at either one,” he explained.

He looked over at Mark who was smiling and shaking his head at how odd their situation must look to others.

“Oh, okay. So where will I stay then?”

Seb suddenly laughed.

“I guess wherever we do. That okay?”

“Yeah, alright. Yeah that'd be great. Thanks.”

“Okay well I'd better go. So don't worry about the newspaper stuff, but maybe give them a wide berth if they try it again, alright Fabe?”

“Yeah, will do. Okay, bye then.”

“Bye.”

“Oh and bye to Mark,” added Fabian.

“He says bye,” said Seb to Mark.

Mark smiled and waved pointlessly at the phone as Sebastian hung up.

 

 

 

Somehow the incident left both Seb and Mark feeling much better for the rest of the day. They were still annoyed at the media's egregious behaviour towards Sebastian's younger brother, but Fabian's irrepressibly positive response to every challenge, and they way he'd sounded so excited at the invitation to come to stay despite the fact that the offer was for little more than the chance to hang out for a few days and walk the dogs, couldn't fail to lift them and remind them what was important.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning Sebastian stepped out of the bathroom to see Mark stood in the doorway of the nearest front bedroom.

“How's it looking out there?” Seb asked.

Mark turned to him and replied dryly. “Bunch of strangers waiting around looking bored blocking the drive. Same as usual.”

Sebastian just about managed a smile in reply, knowing that Mark was making light of it to try to stop them from getting too down about the fact that they were faced with another day stuck in the house.

He went over and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek to thank him for fighting to maintain a positive attitude despite how much Seb knew Mark was feeling frustrated with the situation.

“Fancy a swim before breakfast?” Sebastian suggested.

“Yeah mate, might as well,” agreed Mark.

 

Nothing to be done but get on with things, at least here they had things to keep them busy. Mark thought how right Seb had been to suggest they came here, he suspected he would have been climbing the walls by this point if they had stayed at his.

 

 

 

 

 

After dinner that evening they looked out to check if the driveway was clear at the end of what Mark had taken to jokingly refer to as the media's day shift and saw that it was, allowing them to finally take the dogs out for a walk along the lanes. As it got dark they headed back, feeling rather improved for a breath of fresh air and a little exercise that wasn't taken in either the gym or the pool.

 

Returning to the house the pair settled in front of the television. They had watched the last of the box-set they'd been working through that afternoon and so decided that they must be safe enough to put the normal broadcast television back on by now.

Flicking through the guide Seb found a nature programme and they put that on knowing there was no way there could be any concerns with them watching that.

 

There was something relaxing about the pretty wildlife pictures playing out on the screen and the familiar voice of the narrator was remarkably soothing, even if they weren't paying a whole lot of attention to what he was saying.

After an hour of this both Sebastian and Mark found themselves close to dropping off on the sofa despite their uneventful day, but as it was still relatively early they made no effort to go up to bed, instead letting the next programme roll over to start. They didn't think twice about the fact that it was a comedy programme, other than the fact that watching something light was no bad thing, but neither one of them had thought about that fact that it was a current programme.

 

There were a couple of shared jokes about something going on in politics that Mark and Seb had totally missed, given that they had cut themselves off from the news all week. They only had time to realise how isolated from the world they had become before one of the panellists made a comment and before they knew it the entire show was making jokes about what had happened at the weekend's grand prix. Both of them sat in shared shock for a moment before one of the comedians made a particularly crude joke about them and Mark gained enough sense to grab up the remote control and switch it off.

 

Sebastian was sat forwards on the sofa, his face an appalled mask.

Mark closed his eyes feeling nauseous. Opening them, he turned to his side.

“Shit. Seb I'm sorry,” he apologised.

Even though it wasn't his fault, Mark felt as though he should have anticipated the danger and not left the programme on.

Seb couldn't say anything in reply. He knew he should have realised that it wouldn't just be the supposedly serious programmes and newspapers that would be talking about them, but to see themselves the subject of derision, with the thought that everyone at home watching was laughing at them was too much. He felt as though someone had reached into his stomach and twisted his guts around.

 

Mark placed a hand on his arm to try to reach him, but Sebastian couldn't do anything other than shake his head, his body still frozen.

“Seb,” tried Mark, but Seb only turned to him and shook his head again, before pushing himself off the sofa and walking out of them room.

Mark tried to call after him, but it was as if Sebastian couldn't hear him. He was about to jump up to follow Seb, but the look he had given him made Mark pause. Maybe Seb just needed a moment alone for himself? Mark sank his face into his hands and sagged forwards feeling terrible.

 

 

He sat like that for a long while, trying to pull himself together, trying not to think too much, trying not to remember the spiteful words they had heard coming from the television. Mark sat up and took a deep inhale of breath and pushed it out slowly. He looked at the remote control lying on the coffee table in front of him and had to fight the urge to throw it at the TV.

Anger thrummed through his body. How could people do that? How could they make jokes about other people's lives as if it was nothing? How could they be so cruel and unthinking? How could television companies broadcast such things? How could he have been so _stupid_ as to let them leave that programme on and not guess what might crop up?

 

Mark closed his eyes again and had to force himself to breathe carefully to calm himself down. Getting angry solved nothing. It only upset him and there was nothing for Mark to take it out against except Seb, and there was no way on god's earth he was doing that. He took another slow breath in and as his mind settled back down Mark realised Sebastian had been gone for quite a while. He felt awful knowing how upset Seb must be and that he probably should have followed, so he went to look for him.

 

 

 

There was no sign of Sebastian in the kitchen where the dogs were sleeping, nor in their room. The bathroom door was shut though, so Mark knocked on it.

 

“Seb are you in there?”

He waited a moment before trying again.

“Seb?”

Nothing.

“ _Seb.”_

“Seb please?”

No response.

Mark tried the handle and found it locked.

They never locked the door; It just wasn't something they ever had to do.

Mark ran his fingers through his hair and puffed out a breath trying to hold it together. This was bad. Sebastian had never locked him out before.

“Just let me know you're okay,” Mark requested a little louder.

 

Mark was getting more and more worried at the lack of response.

“Please Seb, say something. If you want to be on your own that's okay, I'll go.” Mark's voice cracked as spoke.

“Just let me know you're alright and I'll leave you to it,” he pleaded.

 

Mark felt his chest getting tight as he started panicking, thinking how Sebastian could have been so upset he had an attack. He could have passed out and hurt himself. What if Seb wasn't answering because he couldn't hear him?

He didn't know what to do. If Seb was hurt he needed to get to him, but the door was locked and the only way to get through it would be to break it down. If he wasn't though and Mark did that, it would frighten Seb and the idea that he could do something violent that would scare Sebastian was too horrific to contemplate.

 

Mark took another deep breath and tried to sound calm, but everything was piling in on him and he choked.

“Please Seb, don't do this to me,” Mark begged.

Mark leant against the door on the verge of tears. He swallowed hard, trying not to let go, when there was the sound of the lock being turned and as he moved back the door opened to reveal Sebastian.

 

Seb stood in the doorway, his head dropped down with his hand resting on the back of his neck, his whole body hunched in on itself.

“I'm sorry,” Sebastian let out, still looking at the floor.

Mark closed his eyes as he drew himself back, only relieved that Sebastian was alright. He opened them again to look at Seb.

“Don't do that. Please don't lock me out okay? You scared me.”

Sebastian shook his head tightly as he looked back up at him.

“I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.”

 

Mark took a breath and stepped forward, pulling Sebastian into the tightest of embraces, not caring about anything other than the fact that Seb was okay.

Seb fitted his arms back around Mark and they stood pressed into one another for a minute, both needing a little time to compose themselves, taking comfort from the contact. Seb's head lying in the crook of Mark's neck, Mark's cheek resting against the top of Sebastian's head.

“I'm sorry Mark,” repeated Sebastian quietly, still sounding distressed.

Sebastian moved to look up at Mark, his eyes wide and beseeching.

“I'm really sorry,” Seb apologised again.

Mark shook his head.

“It's okay,” he assured.

 

Mark took another deep inhale of breath and they moved ever so slightly apart. He looked carefully at Sebastian.

“Why would you lock the door?”

Sebastian gave a helpless little shrug.

“I don't know. I'm sorry. I didn't realise I'd done it when I came in here and then I just couldn't get up,” he explained.

Mark frowned unhappily.

“What do you mean you couldn't get up?” he worried.

Seb merely shrugged again.

“I was sat on the floor and I just couldn't move. It was like I was trapped in myself.”

Mark furrowed his brow even further, not understanding.

“Couldn't you hear me?” he wondered.

Seb shook his head. He'd been sat on the floor by the bath, his knees pulled up and his head tucked into them, his arms wrapped tightly around, hugging himself in, lost in his unhappy thoughts.

Sebastian took a deep inhale. “I could and I couldn't, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, it was like my body wasn't working.”

 

Mark nodded. In truth he didn't really understand how that worked, but he didn't care. All he cared about was that his fears had been unfounded.

He rubbed his hand up and down Sebastian's upper arm, reassuring both himself and Seb with the touch.

“It's okay. Just as long as you're alright. That's all that matters,” Mark assured.

Sebastian gave a small nod, wanting to reassure Mark, even though he still wasn't feeling too good.

Mark moved his hand to place it at the side of Seb's face and leant in to kiss him, before resting their foreheads together and then giving Sebastian another firm hug making them both feel better.

 

 

 

Somehow they ended up sat together on the edge of the bath as they took a moment to talk.

Sebastian made a start, trying to explain himself.

“I'm sorry I locked the door. I think I just wanted to shut the entire world out.”

Mark sighed. “I'm not the entire world Seb.”

“No I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark puffed out a breath.

“Yeah, okay. You were upset. I was upset too. That was horrible.”

Seb nodded. They didn't need to spell out what was being referred to.

“How can people behave like that?” asked Sebastian sounding bewildered. “I just don't understand. How can they not know how hurtful that is?”

 

Mark sighed again, thinking how for all Sebastian's toughness on the track, he really was a very gentle soul. He was capable of being self-absorbed, even selfish in his career, but never consciously unkind outside of that.

 

With all he had been through, it was too much to think there could be any kind of innocence left in Sebastian's outlook on life, but there remained a sensitivity in him that was stung by maliciousness in others that he couldn't comprehend which left Seb vulnerable to those with harder hearts.

After everything that had happened to him, Seb could have become cold and cynical, but he wasn't; that others could be thoughtless or cruel might have become almost expected, but it still hurt Sebastian every time.

Mark didn't know whether to be happy or sad at that thought; He hated that Seb was vulnerable to being hurt, but the alternative that he could have been left hardened beyond repair was surely worse. He knew that Sebastian couldn't help but consider it weakness, but beyond the shield that Seb put up to protect himself to survive in a harsh world, there was a softness that remained. Above all it meant he was still open to love, still trusting enough to give it in return, and that could so easily have been destroyed. Mark was certain that should be regarded not as weakness but strength.

 

 

Mark reached his arm around Sebastian's side and squeezed him.

“I don't know mate. I don't know. Maybe they just lack empathy? Maybe something's switched off inside of them?” proposed Mark.

Seb swallowed, trying not to let it get to him.

“It's just mean,” he accused, knowing he must sound childish.

“Yeah I know,” sympathised Mark. “It's abuse disguised as banter. That's how they justify it to themselves, but that doesn't make it okay.”

Sebastian nodded. He huffed another heavy breath.

“Even if they'd never think we'd really be watching, there must be other gay viewers, what would it make them feel like?”

“I know. It's not okay.”

Seb tipped his head sideways to lean on Mark's shoulder and they sat that way for a while.

“We could complain?” offered Mark.

Sebastian moved his head back up to shake it.

“We'd just look petty and people would use it against us.”

 

Mark looked at him and gave Seb a tiny nod of acceptance, knowing he was right. They couldn't win.

“I know it's stupid to let some jokes get to me,” dismissed Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“No it's not. It got to me too. It's not stupid to care. It'd be weird if we didn't,” Mark suggested.

“Yeah I guess.”

“I was just as upset Seb. I wanted to break the telly,” Mark recounted.

He gave Sebastian a little smile.

“I didn't obviously, seeing as it's your TV and not mine.”

Seb managed a smile in return at his attempt at a joke.

 

“We can't let them get to us,” pressed Mark.

“I know.”

“If we do, we let them win. All those bastards who think it's okay to slag us off, everyone who wants to stick their noses into our lives, anyone who wants to put us down,” stated Mark emphatically.

He looked firmly at Sebastian and placed his spare hand in Seb's.

“Okay?” Mark pushed.

“Yeah, okay. Yeah you're right. We should feel sorry for them; that they can't understand. If they don't recognise what they're doing, then there's something wrong with them,” suggested Sebastian.

Mark nodded and squeezed his hand, reassured to hear Sebastian sounding stronger.

“Yeah,” nodded Mark.

“All we want to do is to be together, no one else gets to decide what we do,” asserted Sebastian.

“Damn right,” concurred Mark.

Sebastian took a decisive breath.

“We love each other. If they can't understand that, if they can think that's nothing, then they can't understand what love is,” insisted Seb solidly.

 

Mark smiled at him warmly, thinking how good it was to hear Seb so definitive. He couldn't have put it better.

“Yeah mate, absolutely. And if they don't get that, then fuck them.”

Sebastian huffed out a little laugh at Mark's pugnacity. When it came to the fight they were facing he was always glad he had Mark by his side.

 

 

Seb smiled at Mark softly. They looked at one another for a long minute.

“I really do love you, you know,” stated Sebastian.

“I know mate, I know. I love you too. We're going to get through this together, alright?”

Sebastian nodded. It might yet get worse before it got better, but they _were_ going to get to the other side.

 

They kissed again before Sebastian pulled away to gaze at Mark with a new intensity.

“Take me to bed and make me forget about everything.”

Seb was looking at Mark with those big blue eyes as if he needed to make that request with any kind of extra appeal.

Mark smiled and nodded. They could take all night if they needed to.

 

 

 

 

Mark took Seb's hand and led him through to the bedroom. They didn't rush, there was no need.

As they sat down on the bed Sebastian leaned in closer, taking a moment to appreciate the warm look in Mark's eyes. The way they crinkled around the edges never failed to make him feel good. When he looked at him like that Seb felt so loved, so special, knowing there was no one in the world but him that Mark cared about in that way.

He smiled back at Mark and then moved in to press his cheek against Mark's, slowly dragging it back across, closing his eyes as he felt the wonderful gentle sensation of the stubble rubbing against his skin. As he reached the front their noses knocked together making Mark laugh a little and Seb opened his eyes, smiling back at him. Seb carried on though, turning his head so that he could stroke the other cheek against Mark's on the other side. When they reached the middle again their lips met, but Sebastian held back and merely brushed across a few times until Mark could wait no longer and he sent his hand around to rest on the nape of Seb's neck to keep him in place so he could kiss him properly.

Sebastian smiled into the kiss, the pace still slow, almost lazy. He knew Mark had received the message; he wanted to keep things unhurried. After all it wasn't as if either one of them had any place to go.

 

Mark kissed along Seb's jaw and down his neck, Sebastian tipping his head to the side to encourage him and to allow him to feel it more. He closed his eyes once again and his breath caught as he got lost in the sensation, barely even registering the little noises falling from his mouth. Mark almost laughed as he felt Seb react. He was so sensitive there. It took so little to make Seb happy and it was all he ever really wanted to do.

 

They started pulling off clothes, still trying to keep things from speeding up as temptation toyed with them. Sebastian lay back on the bed, increasingly helpless as Mark worked his way down his body, kissing and touching every part of him and making him squirm uncontrollably, his breath hitching faster. Mark looked at Seb's perfect body, marred only by the bruises that remained from the crash. He took extra care not to press on them, kissing the marks very gently so Sebastian could only just feel it, trying to think of them of signs that Seb had been lucky, that they both had, and that they should be so very thankful.

Mark moved back over Sebastian, carefully not laying too much weight on him, shifting back up his body to kiss him on the mouth.

“You good?” he checked.

Seb pulled himself back a little from wherever he had been and looked at Mark's face inches above his own and nodded.

“So good,” he smiled.

They stared at one another, not moving for a moment as they got their breath back and took each other in, appreciating what they had.

 

Mark was just thinking what came next when Sebastian lifted his head from the pillow and kissed him a little harder. He slid from underneath him and pushed at Mark's shoulder, indicating that he should lie back so that Seb could repay him for his attentions. Mark's smile spread into a grin. He was never going to object to that.

 

Seb crawled on top of him and felt Mark's body vibrate with a laugh. He furrowed his brow a little as he looked at him.

“What?”

Mark shook his head.

“Nothing. Just you. You're so keen.”

Sebastian pouted at him.

“Of course I'm keen.”

He dipped his head and kissed Mark's chest before lifting up again to look back at him.

“Why wouldn't I be keen with all this on offer?”

Mark laughed again. Seb was so wonderful. He made him feel so good, and _oh god_ , Mark took a sharp inhale of air as Seb went and made him feel even more incredible as he went back to what he was doing.

He kissed Mark's chest, stroking his hands down his body and moving further down, down, until he felt Mark jump beneath him as he touched him and felt how hard Mark was already.

It was Seb's turn to grin as he looked back up at him.

 

“Now who's keen?” Seb teased.

Mark laughed again. Damn right he was keen. Seb had slid off him and was propped against him, one hand resting on Mark's hip to support him as he kissed further down his chest to his stomach and then lower, lower.

“Fuck, Seb,” he gasped.

Sebastian looked back up at him and raised an eyebrow.

“You want me to stop?”

“Oh my god,” laughed Mark. “No. Don't stop, for Christ's sake don't do that.”

Seb grinned wickedly as he saw the ardent look on Mark's face.

 

Mark closed his eyes for a second as he pulled himself back, but only for a second. He didn't want to lose the chance to see Sebastian; looking up at him through his long eyelashes with those beautiful blue eyes all darkened and intense with desire, his lips, already full and pink, now a deeper shade, swollen from kissing. Mark thought it might be the most attractive sight in the entire world, and now, _dear god_ , he forced himself not to close his eyes as he watched Seb move back down.

Those lips. Those lips kissing him. Now kissing his cock and making him twitch as he desperately tried to hold himself still. Mark reached his hand down to stroke lightly through his hair encouragingly. As Sebastian took him in his mouth Mark finally shut his eyes and thought he might actually have died and gone to heaven.

Christ, Seb did such terrible things to him, such wonderful terrible things. Things he could never have dreamed of, things he never wanted to stop.

 

Sebastian continued to work his mouth on Mark, knowing well by now just what worked, what made Mark happy, what he enjoyed. He wanted to please him, wanted to do every little thing he liked. Seb closed his eyes and concentrated on his task, feeling every tiny reaction of Mark on his lips and tongue and feeling a tiny bit proud to know he was doing this right.

He felt Mark's hand in his hair, but it was only ever gentle. The thought flickered through Seb's mind that back at the very first time they'd done this he had had to fight so hard not to let past experiences cloud the moment, to stop the fear kicking in that a hand would grab his hair and force him, hold him in and gag him until he choked before yanking him back to laugh at him and humiliate him further.

Seb pushed that thought away. This was Mark. His lovely gentle caring Mark, who never hurt him or did anything to make him feel uncomfortable or unhappy. Mark's hand was light apon him and only moved to reach his shoulder and then eventually down to his arm, pulling gently at him as he felt Mark jerk slightly beneath him and he lifted up.

 

Sebastian looked up at Mark. His chest was rising and falling heavily and his eyes were half-lidded as he tried not to lose himself.

“Oh god, Seb you have to stop if you don't want to end things right now.”

Seb moved back up his body and lay on top of Mark, seeing him shake his head as if waking himself up.

“Fucking hell,” smiled Mark. “You're amazing. You know that?”

Seb could only smile back at him. He rested against Mark as they both took a moment and let his head fall sideways onto Mark's shoulder, enjoying the way their chests moved together as one.

 

Mark placed his hands either side of Sebastian and gently lifted him up a little more so that their faces were level.

“I mean it. You're amazing.”

He shook his head in disbelief at how lucky he was.

“The way you make me feel...” Mark left off, unable to express just what it was that Seb did to him, did _for_ him. He was the luckiest person in the whole damn world.

“Come here,” requested Mark and lifted his head from the pillow to kiss Sebastian, tasting himself on him as they pressed together, tangling tongues and forgetting to breathe as they lost themselves in each other.

He rested his hands on Seb's waist, gently stoking up and down without really thinking about what he was doing, just enjoying the feeling of his soft skin.

 

Soft skin, soft lips, soft heart. No one else got to know that; how Seb really was. Only him. Seb was just for him and no one else. That's how it always would be. The outside world could pry all it liked, but it never got _this_.

 

Mark was trying not to rush things, but Seb was moving against as he started to kiss him again. Just the slightest of movements, but it was a torturous reminder that his body wanted more, much more, than this and he wasn't sure how much longer they could drag things out before it became impossible to hold off any further.

He rolled them so that Sebastian lay on his back again, letting his weight settle on him for just a moment as he looked in Seb's eyes to see that he was still happy, and then moved off again to try to keep going to stretch things out just a _little_ longer.

 

Seb closed his eyes and took in a sharp intake of breath as Mark kissed along his collar-bone. It felt incredible. It always did, but it never got old, never got ordinary. Mark always made him feel incredible. Sebastian couldn't imagine at time when that wouldn't be true. Every time Mark touched him or kissed him it felt as though he was telling him he loved him and every time he did _that_ Seb felt better than he ever had in his life before.

Driving a car at insane speeds, winning races, winning championships, none of it came close to the thrill of this, the thrill of knowing what came next and what it all meant.

His eyes popped open as he felt Mark's hand trail along his hip, across to touch his cock and stroke it carefully, feeling how hard he was and how much he wanted him. Sebastian gasped and Mark moved his hand stop things going too far just yet. He grazed his hand back across Seb's hip and down further this time, along the inside of his thigh, applying the slightest pressure. Seb moved his thigh further in response and Mark went to kiss him on the mouth again as he shifted to kneel between his legs as Seb moved them further apart. Mark leant over him, resting down on his elbows to look at him properly.

“Okay like this?” Mark checked.

Seb could only nod in reply. He thought he might have lost the ability to speak altogether. Mark was still running his hand carefully up and down the inside of his thigh, getting dangerously higher every time and Sebastian thought that if they didn't start to move things along soon he might perish on the spot.

“Mark please?”

Seb wasn't sure why it was a question or even a request when they both knew what they wanted.

“Yeah mate, yeah,” agreed Mark.

There was only so long they could draw things about before it really did become too much.

 

 

By the time Mark was actually inside him Seb thought he genuinely might pass out from the rush. His heart was beating so fast it felt as though it was bouncing off the insides of his ribs, pushing the blood rapidly around his body seemingly everywhere apart from his brain, leaving him light-headed. Too much too fast after waiting too long.

He didn't even realise that he'd called out Mark's name with such a note of desperation in his voice that Mark immediately stopped stock-still.

Mark had been on the point of letting himself completely give in to instinct and forgetting all about taking things slow when the sound of Seb's voice cut in. He paused and looked down at Sebastian beneath him. His chest was heaving and his breathing a little too urgent. Mark bent his arms and lowered himself down to lie against his chest, moving his arms further up so he could place his hands either side of Seb's face and look into his eyes.

“Seb? You okay?”

Sebastian looked up at Mark, his eyes barely centremetres away from his own. He tried to speak, but words failed him. All he could do was nod again and hope that Mark understood.

Mark gave a tiny nod back. It was okay, they just needed to take a minute, just let things be, just for a minute.

 

They lay like that, bodies pressed together, chests moving in sync, breathing the same air. Mark rested his forehead down and forgot about everything other than the feeling of being together, completely as one.

Seb lifted his hands to place them over Mark's and let his eyes fall shut. He could only take short breaths like this but he didn't care. Like this they were barely two separate people at all, they were two halves of one whole. As he calmed down a little his brain thought only of that, only of Mark and how it felt like this to know that they really were two parts of one. Maybe that was why he had never felt quite right before, never really happy, because he was missing his other half. It had to be true because they fitted together so perfectly, they were so right for one another.

Mark lifted his head just a little as he felt Sebastian's breathing steady and knew he was alright. He kissed Seb on the lips and saw him re-open his eyes to look at him. Mark gave him a smile and was pleased to see Seb smile softly in return. They looked at one another for another minute, appreciating this for its own sake, for the steady feeling of union it gave them.

 

It was okay now, past the point of overload they could resume where they'd left off to step things up again.

Mark pushed himself back up and Sebastian lifted his head to follow him to capture another kiss before lying back, shifting slightly so he could wrap his legs around Mark and they could start to move, to gain the friction they both needed to get the sensations they craved. Heart rates sped back up, breathing likewise, but now just on the right side of going too far.

The couldn't last very long like this after stretching things out so much. Mark saw as Seb's head jerked back and his body tensed beneath him and the sight alone was enough to tip him over the edge as they both came.

 

 

Sebastian reopened his eyes, not realising that he'd closed them again and saw Mark's lovely warm eyes looking back at him again as they lay pressed together again, neither one of them wanting to move any more than was necessary to get enough oxygen into their lungs as they tried to recover.

They kissed for a little while to distract themselves from the necessity to separate until Mark eventually moved to lift himself up and collapse on the mattress by Seb.

Mark took a few more deep breaths before switching onto his side as Sebastian did the same. He reached up his hand and smiled at him as he stroked the damp curls stuck to Seb's forehead out of the way.

He wanted to say something, but for once it was Mark who was incapable of speech. He took another deep breath in and could only shake his head as he tried to let Seb know how stunned he was by the experience.

Seb smiled back at him. If he'd had any energy left in his body he might have laughed, it was almost too much again. How much all this meant. He forced his hand up and rested it down on Mark's shoulder. If he could have moved he would have shifted in closer, but he wasn't quite capable of that yet.

 

Sebastian was losing himself in Mark's eyes again. He thought something and then had to take a second to realise that he had only thought it and not said the words out loud.

“It's worth it.”

Mark frowned a little trying to get this brain to work so he could understand.

“Hmm?”

“This. Us. It's worth it. Worth all _that_.”

Seb's eyes flicked towards the window and the outside world and Mark knew what he meant.

“Yeah mate it is. It's worth it,” he agreed wholeheartedly.

 

Mark found enough energy to slip his arm under Sebastian and pull the two of them together again, drawing their drained and exhausted bodies back into contact. He felt a light sigh as Seb molded himself into him, his hand sliding around Mark's middle so that they were entwined once more. They pressed their faces close enough to touch and closed their eyes for a little while just to feel that the connection wasn't entirely broken. They were still two halves of one whole.

It was worth it. Worth all the difficulties, all the worries, all the suffering, all the fear of the unknown future that lay ahead. Because they had this. They had each other, and that wasn't going to change, no matter what.

It was worth it.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if it's a bit wrong that I wrote much of the last part of this chapter whilst eating my breakfast before work?


	45. Toughing It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guess what folks, it's yet another two-parter...

* * *

 

 

 

The next morning they woke to the sound of pouring rain outside. When they got up and checked out of the front window both Mark and Sebastian were surprised to find that the assembled media that had held steadfast vigil for the week were nowhere to be seen. It appeared that they had made a collective decision to give up.

They ate breakfast and checked again, almost unable to believe it, but it was true; not a soul stood in the entrance to the drive. Mark even went down to look through the gate to peer along the road, just in case the press were lurking out of sight behind the wall, but no one was there.

 

Mark walked back into the kitchen and brushed off his wet hair with the tea-towel Seb passed him.

“Looks like they're really gone.”

Seb shook his head, still hardly accepting it.

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“Wow. One little bit of rain and they quit?”

Mark laughed.

“Wouldn't stop us would it?”

“No stamina,” smiled Sebastian happily. “They wouldn't last very long at Spa.”

“Shocking,” grinned Mark. “I don't know, maybe we just bored them into submission?”

 

Seb shrugged. He didn't care just as long as they were gone.

“God, it feels like we're being let out of jail,” exclaimed Sebastian.

“Doesn't it just?” agreed Mark.

 

Sebastian let out a very long breath.

“Do you think they'll come back?” he wondered.

Mark shrugged.

“Who knows. Hope not. We can't live our lives waiting to see what the media do.”

“No, you're right,” concurred Seb.

 

He went over and gave Mark a hug of relief. Neither one of them was naïve enough to think their ordeal was over, but it was a start.

 

 

 

 

Over the next few days they did start to feel as though they were getting back to normal. They moved back to Mark's house having seen far too much of Seb's in recent days and the change of scene did them the world of good. They still steered clear of newspapers and the internet and were very cautious about what they watched on television, unsure as to whether they were being paranoid or sensible. After what had happened neither of them wanted to take the risk of coming across anything about themselves again.

 

 

Seb managed to fit in a session with Dr. Menton. He didn't offer any revelatory insight into their situation, but he did make Sebastian feel a little better by telling him that he thought that he had actually handled things remarkably well in the circumstances. Henry told him that it was entirely natural to have been upset by the media intrusion and the incident when they had stumbled across the comedy programme mocking them.

Much of what his therapist had to say seemed to chime with what Mark had already said, but that didn't really surprise Sebastian when he knew how sensible Mark was. Seb was glad of the chance to talk about the fact he felt a little guilty that he hadn't really thought about how upset Mark would also be and that he had been only thinking of himself when he had shut Mark out. Dr. Menton seemed to accept that it had been an unconscious choice and persuaded Sebastian that he should regard it as a lesson learned, rather than something to feel guilty about.

 

 

Walking through town to meet Mark afterwards, Seb did feel lighter for getting a few things off his chest. He wondered whether it might do Mark good to have a similar outlet for his concerns, but therapy didn't seem likely to be something Mark would go for. All Seb could do was resolve to try to make sure he took time to listen to Mark properly himself and to remember that he was just as likely to have worries of his own.

Sebastian met Mark in the café of a bookshop where Mark had been killing time waiting for him after wandering around town for the past hour.

Mark waved from the far corner and Seb squeezed past the other tables to cross to him. Mark stood up to meet Seb and greeted him with a kiss on the cheek, his hand resting on Seb's arm as he did so.

Sebastian sat down and thanked Mark for the drink that he had already got for him, trying not to feel self-conscious about the public display of affection when he was sure that everyone around them was watching. It hadn't bothered him before so it was no time to start being bothered about it now. So what if more than a few people had blatantly stared at him on his way in? If they had a problem with it, it was their problem. Seb knew he just had to toughen up and brazen it out. They were doing nothing wrong. The rest of the world just had to get used to it.

 

“So, how did it go? Or shouldn't I ask?” wondered Mark.

Seb was pulled back from his thoughts.

“Oh, fine. Yeah good. Nothing exciting really, just good to talk.”

He looked over at Mark.

“Not that we don't talk, I mean...”

“It's fine Seb,” assured Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Right. Yeah, no I know. I was just wondering. I mean, do you ever think you ought to talk to someone? I mean not that I'm saying you need to,” he stumbled a little, wondering if it was an insult to suggest that Mark might need a therapist.

Mark smiled and rested his hand over Seb's as it held his cup.

“I talk to you don't I?” insisted Mark. “And my family, Leanne especially. So I think I'm good thanks.”

He smiled at Sebastian.

“Although my sister does give pretty good advice. Maybe she should charge?”

 

Sebastian laughed, instantly relaxing and letting go of his worries. Mark was so good at doing that; he always made him feel better. He looked up at him and smiled back at Mark, moving his thumb from around his cup to the other side to stroke it over Mark's hand.

 

 

They sat and made small talk over their coffee for a while, happy to be back out in public again, feeling confident enough to face the world. Mark was sure he'd had a few glances in their direction that were more than coincidental, but there was no point focussing on that. Besides it was only natural that people should recognise them if they'd been all over the news in the past week. No one had come up and said anything, for now he could live with that.

 

Sebastian's phone buzzed and he looked to check who the message was from.

“Britta wants to know if you want to come in with me to the factory tomorrow?” explained Seb.

“Oh? Did she say about what?” asked Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“About Canada?” wondered Mark.

Seb brow crinkled.

“But you're not coming to Canada.”

 

They'd planned this out way back: Mark was only coming along to the European races. Anything else was too close to his WEC racing weekends.

 

“Of course I'm coming,” countered Mark, sounding surprised.

He frowned at Sebastian. They hadn't discussed the upcoming race weekend yet, both working on opposite assumptions.

Sebastian leaned forward.

“But you've got Le Mans the weekend after? You can't be trekking to the other side of the world right before then.”

Mark gave a half laugh.

“Seb I'm not leaving you to face all that lot in the paddock on your own,” he insisted.

 

Sebastian sat back, trying to think what to say. He had been working pretty hard on not thinking about that.

“Don't you want me to come?” pressed Mark.

Sebastian sighed. “Of course I do, but it's not fair on you having to do that. Le Mans is so important.”

“Well yes, but you're _more_ important.”

Seb gave him a little ironic smile.

“I don't think you've ever said anything so nice before,” he suggested.

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“I'm not sure I'm kidding,” noted Sebastian.

 

Mark gave him a look.

“Yes Seb you are more important to me than racing. There I've said it,” he gave Sebastian a teasing smile.

Seb couldn't help but laugh a little back.

“Yeah okay. You are more important than racing for me too.”

“Well I'm glad we're agreed on that,” replied Mark sounding a little more serious. “Maybe best we don't admit that to our teams?”

“No I suppose not. Anyway I had a point, somewhere before you distracted me,” tried Sebastian.

“Oh, yeah I mean about Canada and Le Mans. I mean, apart from tiring yourself going half-way around the world, you'll have messed up your body-clock with the time-zones.”

Mark laughed again. “Yeah mate, it's a twenty-four hour race. My body-clock is going to be screwed anyway.”

“Oh, hmm, I suppose...” allowed Seb.

He frowned, not quite sure what his argument was. Seb shrugged a little.

“I just don't want you to think you have to come with me,” he contended.

“I don't think I _have_ to come with you. I want to come with you,” argued Mark.

“I'll be okay.”

 

Mark heard the note in Sebastian's voice.

He sighed and looked carefully at Seb.

“I know you will. I know you'd manage all that on your own. Facing all the media and everything, I know you _could_ , but I hate the idea that you'd have to. I should be there with you.”

Sebastian puffed out a breath, not sure how to counter that.

“Apart from anything else, how would it look? First race after Monaco and you're there on your own without me,” argued Mark.

 

Seb stared at the dregs of coffee in his cup. He swirled them around trying to think of an answer. Mark was right; people would read all sorts of things into it if he turned up in Canada on his own.

He shrugged, unable to come up with an answer.

Mark hated that Sebastian looked uncomfortable. He reached his hand back over to take Seb's.

“Look if you think I shouldn't go...”

Seb shot up his gaze to look at Mark.

“No it's not that,” he insisted.

“Right. So..?”

Sebastian shrugged again.

“No. It's just I don't want you sacrificing your preparations for me. I mean, _Le Mans,_ Mark. It's so important.”

“Yeah. It is. Which is why I want you there with me, supporting me. And I want to be with you in Canada, supporting you,” asserted Mark.

“You won't be too tired?” worried Sebastian.

“I'll be fine. All I'll be doing is waiting around on you.”

“Hmm.”

Seb indicated his phone.

“I think Britta might have other ideas about that,” he suggested.

 

Mark gave a shrug.

“Whatever. I'll be fine. We'd be getting the flight back on the Sunday after the race right?” he checked.

“Umm, yeah I guess.”

“So that should give me time to get turned around. I can sleep on the flight and I don't even have to get in the car for practice till Wednesday.”

“I suppose,” conceded Sebastian.

Mark gave his hand a quick squeeze.

“Look, if it wasn't Le Mans coming up, would you want me there?” he inquired.

“Of course I would,” admitted Seb.

 

Mark looked at him and raised his eyebrows pointedly.

“Yeah alright,” relented Sebastian.

“So I'm allowed to come then?” teased Mark.

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Yes of course you're _allowed_ to.”

“Thanks. Right, guess we'd better find out what delights Britta is lining up for us then,” Mark suggested.

 

Seb nodded and texted Britta back. He was secretly very relieved to think that Mark would be with him in Canada. It was bound to be an ordeal. He would still have to face most of that himself, but knowing that Mark was around, even in the background, would mean it wasn't quite as unbearable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day before they left for Montreal Sebastian and Mark were busy sorting out packing when Seb's phone rang. He stepped out of their room to take the call and when he returned he looked perplexed.

 

Sebastian sat down on the bed, looking at his phone in his hand.

“Who was that then?” Mark wondered.

Sebastian looked up at him, a little crease still lodged between his brows. Mark would have thought it looked cute, but he didn't like seeing Seb bothered by something.

“Hmm? Oh. That was Bernie.”

  
Mark's eyebrows shot up.

“ _Bernie?_ Bernie as in Bernie Ecclestone?”

“Yep.”

“Wow. Okay. So what did he want?” Mark inquired.

Sebastian looked up at him and shook his head.

“I honestly couldn't tell you,” he admitted.

“Huh?”

Seb gave a helpless little shrug.

“What was he saying?” questioned Mark. “He wasn't being an arse was he?”

 

They both knew that the de facto head of Formula One had made some less than open-minded comments in the past.

 

“He was... I don't know. I mean he just sort of asked how I was and checked everything was ready for the weekend, and asked if you were going,” recalled Sebastian.

“Hmm, did he?” noted Mark suspiciously.

“Yeah, he just, well he kindof confused me. I can't tell if he was being supportive or not. He did say what happened in Monaco wasn't the sort of thing people expected to see when they watched an F1 race and then he went on about how it had made all the front pages, even in America.”

Seb frowned and shook his head a little.

“He almost sounded pleased about it,” he concluded.

 

Mark sat down on the bed by him and looked over at Sebastian with a wry smile.

“We're like his best and worst dream rolled into one.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. “Well if he's that confused, no wonder I am.”

“Yeah well, who cares what Bernie thinks?” proposed Mark.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him.

“Erm, everyone?”

“Mmm, whatever. Could be worse. At least he's not openly opposing us,” concluded Mark.

“True.”

Mark put his hand on Seb's knee and gave it an encouraging little pat.

“Let's not worry about it. Come on, why don't we finish up here and get a last walk out with the dogs before dinner?”

 

Seb agreed, pushing all thoughts of the ever baffling Bernie from his mind so they could make the most of the last of their time at home before going into battle once more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Arriving at the track on Thursday, Mark and Seb had already had more than a sniff of what lay ahead of them from Britta's and Christian's rundown; The idea was to give the press just enough to keep them onside without allowing it all to distract Sebastian from the purpose of the weekend which was actually racing. They weren't unrealistic enough to imagine that the media wouldn't try for more though.

In their hotel room that morning they had prepared themselves for the fact that they were likely to be facing the mob again. As they approached the paddock gates they saw that their prediction had been only too accurate.

They swiped their ID's and stepped in. As the various members of the media spotted them entering they made a beeline towards them, the herd instinct kicking in and all of the press in the vicinity started rushing towards the pair.

Mark and Seb looked at one another, silently reminding themselves that this was what they had expected, what they were prepared for. They just had to get through it.

 

Mark slid his hand into Sebastian's and firmly held onto it as they fought their way through the crowd. So what if that was the picture they all got to run? That was all they were getting right now. The two of them walked determinedly forwards, not letting any sign of their discomfort show on their faces, ignoring all the shouted questions and flashing cameras.

Sebastian clung onto Mark's hand, hugely grateful that he was there. He offered up a tiny prayer of thanks that Mark had insisted on coming this weekend. On his own this would have been so awful he might have been tempted to turn around and walk right out of those paddock gates to run all the way back home to him.

 

They made it to the RedBull Energy Station, the press pack left outside the closed door, firmly turned away by security at the entrance. Once in his little room upstairs Sebastian dumped down his bag and pressed into Mark for a hug.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded. It could have been worse. He puffed a breath and thought about how they just had to keep handling this weekend one step at a time; trying to anticipate problems and prepare themselves to be ready to handle them as best they could.

“I'm very glad you're here,” admitted Sebastian.

“Course.”

Mark leant in and gave him a reassuring kiss on the cheek. There was no way he was ever going to have left Seb to face that mob on his own.

 

Seb sorted out his belongings and went down to check in with his boss before returning to meet Mark back in the main hospitality area for a coffee. He was determined that they needed to get into the habit of behaving normally as a couple together in public after so long hiding themselves away. People could stare all they wanted as long as they left them alone.

 

 

 

Sebastian had a bit of catching up with the team and a chat with the engineers in the garage in the morning to prepare for the weekend. He was relieved to find that not only did no one mention the 'incident' from Monaco, but no one treated him any differently to before. He wondered if Christian had had a quiet word with the team, or whether they were just being professional. He did notice one or two knowing smiles from the mechanics as they worked on the cars, but that was no big deal. He could handle that as long as he knew they were on his side when it came down to it.

Rather more of an issue was the fact that everywhere he went in public, even just crossing from the motor-home to the garage, he seemed to attract a trail of reporters who he patently ignored. Sebastian didn't want to be rude, but he knew if he stopped to answer their questions he would be there all day. Christian had offered to have someone walk over with him and Seb knew that Mark would have accompanied him everywhere he went if he gave the slightest hint he wanted that, but Sebastian knew he just had to get on with things and try to carry on as much as normal as possible. He just had to keep his head down and tough it out.

 

That didn't mean that he wasn't relieved when he got back to the motor-home for a bit of lunch to be back with Mark again.

They were sat at a small table in the corner when a figure bounced into view.

“Hey. Room for a little one, or will I be a gooseberry?” asked Daniel cheerily.

Mark looked up at him wondering if Dan was ever in anything other than 'perky mode'. It was hard to fault him for it though when his positive attitude was partly responsible for how well he had handled their being together. Mark glanced over at Sebastian to give him a look to suggest he didn't object to Daniel joining them if Seb didn't.

“Sure,” consented Sebastian, shifting up his chair to make room.

 

Daniel pulled around a chair from another table and set himself down.

“I didn't see you in the garage,” noted Sebastian.

“Oh yeah, I had some media stuff to film, so I was in there earlier,” explained Dan.

“Ah right.”

“Good to see you guys anyway. Must have missed you at the hotel,” noted Daniel.

“Oh we got in late, just got room service,” explained Seb.

No more sneaking about, making excuses, hiding away. God it had been such a relief.

 

“So, how you doing anyway? All alright?” inquired Daniel, giving each of them a look.

Sebastian shrugged. He was sure that Daniel knew the score.

“Last week wasn't much fun,” confessed Sebastian.

Dan nodded sympathetically.

“Lot of fuss over nothing if you ask me,” he offered. “Well, not _nothing_ , obviously, I mean...” Daniel stumbled, wondering if it was rude to dismiss the revelation of the relationship like that.

Mark looked over at him.

“It's fine Dan. Really. I've been meaning to say thank you for what you said in Monaco after the race.”

“Ah no worries. Course. Seb spoke to me in the debrief anyway, so it's cool.”

Sebastian sipped his drink.

“Yeah but we know you're going to get a lot more of that this weekend cos you're my team-mate,” Sebastian suggested.

“Whatever,” shrugged Daniel.

 

Seb looked over at Mark and saw the telling little smile on his face that reminded him of the discussion that they had had about how impenetrable Dan's cheeriness seemed to be to life's troubles.

Daniel finished his mouthful and moved in a little closer.

“One advantage of everyone thinking you never take anything seriously is that they don't expect too much of you. Makes media stuff a whole lot easier,” Dan confided.

He grinned again and flicked his eyebrows up teasingly.

Sebastian and Mark looked at one another and then laughed in unison as they were reminded that Daniel was far smarter than he let on. It was a cheeky little double-bluff that Dan played on the world and they had to admire him for it.

 

“So what have you guys got lined up this afternoon then?” asked Daniel. “Christian said you've got a thing with the press.”

“Mmm,” agreed Sebastian dolefully.

Mark checked his watch.

“Yeah on that note, we'd better go catch up with Britta.”

“Ah, yeah. Sorry Dan, we'd better go,” excused Sebastian, and the pair of them left Daniel to finish his lunch alone while they went to sit through some prep for the ordeal they had to face next.

 

 

 

  
Sebastian and Mark sat around behind the scenes in the area where the press conference was going to take place. Seb was sipping his water bottle trying not to let anxiety got on top of him and Mark was resisting the urge to jig his leg up and down nervously like Christian did in a race.

“Got any tips?” asked Mark.

Seb looked confused.

“Huh?”

“For handling this lot. You're so much better at it than me,” offered Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“No I'm not,” he protested.

Mark let out a little laugh.

“Yeah mate, you really are. You're the pro. I'm terrible at hiding how I feel. If any of that lot start getting arsey I'm in danger of telling them what I really think of those bastards.”

Sebastian almost laughed.

“Yeah not calling them that would be a start.”

Mark raised an acknowledging eyebrow.

“I mean it,” he insisted.

 

Seb shifted in a little closer, leaning his side into Mark's.

“I don't know. I guess I've always done it to one extent or another.”

He paused for a moment trying to analyse what it was that he did to approach these difficult moments.

“I guess I just don't allow myself any other options.”

Mark frowned.

“What does that mean?”

Seb shrugged.

“Just that. I don't let myself think that behaving in any other way is a possible choice I can make. If the only choice you have is to keep it together and say what you need to say, then you can't do anything else. You just get it done and over with and remember that it will be over soon,” he expanded.

 

Mark nodded slowly. It did make a certain kind of sense.

“I don't know. Maybe it's not the right way to go about things. It never seemed to win me too many friends,” admitted Sebastian. “Your approach always seemed much more popular. People like that you're honest Mark. I don't think you need to lose that. Just you know, try not to tell them to fuck off when they're really asking for it.”

Mark laughed. That sounded like a pretty good compromise.

“I'll try mate. No promises. Not if they're really asking for it.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a wink. Sebastian knew he was joking, mostly.

 

 

Britta reappeared.

“You guys ready?” she checked.

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“Just about.”

“Okay. Well, remember what we've talked about. Keep things simple. Don't feel you have to say anything you don't want to. If you don't want to answer a question you're well within your rights to say just that.”

Mark and Seb nodded.

“Where you are willing to answer, make sure everything is positive. Above all else we want to remind people that this is no big deal and that you are fully focussed on racing,” Britta expanded.

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian, trying not to let his nerves get on top of him.

“Got it,” concurred Mark.

“Good. I'll be there moderating, so if it gets too much I'll divert things, and if you're not happy just give me the nod and I'll wind things up. Okay?”

“Yep,” agreed Seb.

 

Britta stepped out to get things started and the two of them were left alone.

They stood up ready to go and Mark rested his arms on top of Seb's shoulders, looking right into his eyes to check that he was alright.

“I'm going to remember your tips and we'll be fine, right?”

Seb nodded tightly.

“Especially the bit about this all being over soon,” noted Mark.

Sebastian smiled, appreciating him keeping things as light as they could.

They moved into a hug, pressing their foreheads close, taking that last moment of peace to remember that they were in this together.

“Game face on.”

“Game face on,” agreed Mark. “And don't call them bastards to their face. We've got this.”

He gave Seb a last reassuring smile and the pair of them stepped out to face the masses.

 

 

They took their seats behind a small table on a slightly raised stage. Cameras flashed constantly and it was hard not to recoil from the blinding light, but that would give them a defensive picture to use and they couldn't do that, so both Mark and Seb did their level best to not react.

As they faced out to the serried ranks of the media they each took in the sheer number present. If anything else was happening in the paddock this afternoon there would be pretty much no one around to notice.

 

It was odd in a way that the two of them facing the press together wasn't odd at all. They had been at media conferences together so many times over the years it almost felt normal, even if the context was different.

Mark had been a little surprised that Porsche had been happy for him to do this. He had almost expected them to ask him to keep his head down and not draw any attention to his presence, but he reasoned that they were hoping that by doing this they would be getting all the publicity about their relationship out of the way so it would be dealt with before he came to race at Le Mans.

 

Seb was unable to stop himself from looking over at Mark, reminding himself that he was glad that he was there by his side. In truth he'd like it if there were sat a bit closer; Actual physical contact with Mark always made him feel so much better, steadying him to his core, but they didn't want to do that with everyone looking on, analysing their every move. It was impossible to control everything though, he couldn't help needing to look at him for reassurance. For all that Mark said he was a professional at this, he wasn't a robot.

 

 

Mark and Sebastian glanced over at Britta, letting her know that they were ready and she opened things up to the floor for the first question.

 

“Yes, at the back. What's your question?” commenced Britta.

 

“So how did you guys meet?”

Seb and Mark stared at the journalist smirking up at them, then glanced back at one another before shaking their heads and actually letting out some laughter. The tension in the room dropped a degree and Sebastian sat a little further back into his chair. The guy was being facetious, but was a reminder that not everything had to be so serious and not everyone was against them.

Mark gave Sebastian a tiny look and Seb answered.

“Well, funny story...”

 

 

As things continued it proved not _quite_ as bad as they had feared. They ended up repeating themselves an awful lot, but if the journalists kept asking repetitive questions that were merely rephrased each time there wasn't a lot that they could do about that.

 

Yes, as was well known now they were together and had been for a while. No, they weren't going to spell out exactly how long. No, they hadn't been involved whilst they were team-mates. Yes, they had been planning to tell people as they had already their team and their family and their friends. No, it wasn't a distraction from their racing. No, they _really_ hadn't been together while they were both in the team.

 

On the third time of asking whether their relationship dated back before Mark left F1, Mark was struggling to remember Seb's advice about how to hold it together.

He let out a frustrated little breath.

“I really don't know how else we're meant to say it,” exasperated Mark.

“There wasn't anything going on back then. I should have thought that was pretty obvious.”

Seb glanced over and Mark was reminded not to let go and tell the media exactly what he thought of them. He knew a note of annoyance was creeping into his voice and he pulled it back. No point in antagonising them.

 

Mark took a calming breath.

“Look. We admit we had some difficult times when we were team-mates. Things were completely different back then. When you're fighting for the same thing at the top there's a huge amount of pressure on you and it's not surprising we couldn't really be friends back then, but we never hated each other like some people seemed to make out.”

“And since then you've been together?” tried the journalist.

Sebastian saw that Mark looked ready to snap at the cheek of the assumption they were trying on, so he intervened.

“We didn't say that. We weren't friends, then we were friends, then we were more than friends. It's not that complicated a concept is it?”

He looked at the journalist trying not to appear too aggressive, but it seemed to silence him and Britta moved on to another question.

 

“So how did that happen then?” attempted another journalist.

“Sorry?”

Seb was startled by the directness of the question.

“How did things change?”

 

Mark and Sebastian looked at one another. The temptation was to tell the press that they had no right to know any of this, but they were only going to keep on pressing. Seb gave a tiny nod to Mark to let him know he was okay to carry on. There was no way they were telling everyone the whole story, but a fraction of the truth wasn't a lie.

 

“I think you all know that the car needed work at the start of last year,” started Seb. “So I spent a lot more time at the factory in Milton Keynes.”

He glanced back over at Mark. They'd agreed to give up this much; It was an interpretation of the full truth, but no one was getting that.

“I needed a place to stay.”

 

There was a rumble through the room and the two of them wondered if perhaps they hadn't gone too far in telling the press that, but it was too late now so there was no point worrying it, nor was there any good to found in letting the media see they had any concerns. Project confidence. Show everyone that they were being open and they were firm in their belief that they had done nothing wrong, nor were they now.

 

Mark made sure that his shoulders were back and his posture open.

“I live nearby, so...” he shrugged openly to show that it wasn't a big issue.

The journalist looked slightly stunned.

“You were living together?”

“Well, staying, on and off,” confessed Sebastian.

It was technically true, even if those 'on' spells lasted months.

“So we spent a lot of time together and got to be good friends and yeah, like we've said,” (approximately twenty times now, thought Mark) “...at some point things changed.”

 

The room sat quietly waiting to hear what came next. Mark almost laughed. They really were fools if they thought they thought they were going to give them more.

 

“And that's all you get,” finished Mark, sounding immoveable.

The journalist opened his mouth and then shut it again. No point pushing his luck.

“Are you living together now?” attempted another journalist.

They flicked one another a look before Sebastian spoke.

“Our houses are a few miles apart.”

“There were plenty of photos of you together at home last week,” pointed out the journalist.

 

Seb couldn't help but pull a face, they could only be the pictures of them leaving Mark's and arriving at his.

 

“Whose house?” he asked without thinking.

The journalist looked a little thrown by that question.

“Umm, I'm not sure.”

Mark had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. They were fishing. Why give them what they wanted?

“Yes we spend time together. I think that's generally pretty standard when you're in a relationship,” suggested Mark, trying to make sure he still sounded calm and not half as challenging as he felt like being.

 

Seeing as they were getting nowhere with that, another journalist tried a different tack.

“So what do you think of some of the things that have been written about you?”

“We've not been reading the papers,” stated Sebastian.

“None of them?”

Mark shrugged. “What have we missed?”

“Umm, well, quite a bit,” admitted the journalist. “So perhaps you'd care to answer a few of the points raised?”

 

Mark was fairly certain they wouldn't, but there was no point saying that, so he merely shrugged again.

 

“Okay, so straight after the race you said revealing your relationship was an accident...”

Mark and Seb frowned.

“I'm pretty sure we _didn't_ say that,” stated Sebastian.

“It just _happened_ ,” added Mark. “That's not the same thing.”

“Isn't it?” tested the reporter.

“No,” chorused Mark and Seb.

They looked at one another immediately after and tried not to smile too much at the way they'd just done that.

“There's a difference,” insisted Sebastian.

“So were you making a statement?” asked another reporter.

“Sorry?” stopped Seb.

“Some people have suggested that you chose Monaco because of its high profile to make the maximum statement.”

 

The two of them looked at one another in genuine astonishment.

“That doesn't make any sense,” countered Sebastian.

“It was just something that happened,” continued Mark. “How could we have planned that? Seb was in a crash. We were just reacting to that. It was a completely natural reaction. That's all.”

“We _were_ planning to tell people, just not like that,” completed Seb.

 

Another journalist took over.

“There are some who think it's not so natural.”

He had a strong accent. Mark had enough time to wonder if it might be Russian before he replied.

“I'm sorry?”

Mark tried not to sound angry, although he knew exactly what the reporter was getting at and the idea made him furious. If they were going to be offensive Mark decided they should be up front about it. Let them say it again. He looked the reporter in the eye, waiting for him to repeat his point.

“There are many people who think that your relationship is not so natural.”

 

The journalist sounded unapologetic and Sebastian could see the tension in Mark's jaw as he heard him repeat what he had said. He wanted to reach over and take Mark's hand to calm him down, but that probably wasn't the best idea in front of all this lot.

“People are entitled to think whatever they want to,” Seb offered in a conciliatory tone, hoping that would end the matter.

Unfortunately someone else took up the matter.

“So you've no agenda?”

“Agenda?”

 

Seb had to work hard not to goggle at them. People had such bizarre ideas. He took a calming breath. Just say what you need to say. This will be over soon.

“No. We've no agenda. We're not here to make some special point. We're not looking for attention. We'd be more than happy if no one paid us any special notice, but that doesn't seem to be an option, so...”

Sebastian shrugged, trying not to let it show how frustrating it was to have to make that point. They just wanted to be together and for everyone to leave them alone. How could anyone think that strange?

 

Britta could see that things needed moving on so she asked for a new question from the other side of the room.

“How have you found reaction from the rest of the paddock?”

Seb smiled, glad for a more positive subject.

“We've had a lot of support which is nice obviously.”

“And you too Mark, in Endurance?”

“Yes.”

Mark thought of Jenson immediately volunteering to step up and speak for them.

“And beyond your fellow drivers?”

“Our teams have been very supportive,” added Mark. “Which is great of course, although naturally they knew already.”

“Any others?” pressed the journalist. “I don't think we've heard anything from other teams.”

Mark shook his head a little.

“Why would we? I'm sure they've got far more important matters to attend to.”

 

“What about Bernie?” asked the reporter.

A minuscule smile appeared at the corners of Seb's mouth.

“Yes Bernie called.”

Sebastian paused for a beat.

“As we say, we're thankful for all the support we've had.”

 

Mark very nearly laughed out loud, thinking that really was distinctly sneaky of Seb. He looked over and was sure he saw a slight gleam in his eye. By letting the assembled media believe that Bernie had given his full backing to them, Sebastian had just made it rather more difficult for him to oppose them. Not that with his contradictory nature Mark wouldn't put it past Bernie, but any message he tried to put out now would appear even more muddled than usual and it might not be taken seriously.

He wasn't sure if it was an act of genius or slightly worryingly devious of Seb. Either way, Mark suspected that it was the sort of tactical move that Bernie himself would actually respect. He took a sip of water from the bottle in front of him to prevent him from looking over at Seb again for fear he might let his amusement show on his face and then there was a danger that they might give the game away.

 

“Okay, well time to round things up. Maybe just one more question?” suggested Britta, pointing to a raised hand.

 

“You say you're not making a statement and you don't want the attention, but then you say you were going to come out anyway? Isn't that a contradiction?”

Mark and Seb looked at one another before Mark spoke for them.

“No not really. It's just the world we live in. We'd have been more than happy not to say anything.”

“So you wanted to keep your sexuality a secret?”

Mark took a calming breath, reminding himself that rising to the antagonistic tone of the question simply wasn't an option.

“I wouldn't put it that way.”

“You hadn't spoken about being gay before now though?” pushed the journalist.

“You never asked,” noted Mark dryly.

“My point is that you kept things quiet until now,” explained the reporter.

 

Mark wasn't quite sure what point he was trying to make.

“It's personal matter,” stated Mark, trying to restrain himself from saying it was nobody's damn business.

“But obviously things have changed now,” emphasised the journalist.

“Obviously,” allowed Seb, trying to give Mark a little breathing space.

“Of course things have changed. I never had anything I wanted to shout about before,” stated Mark, still struggling to keep himself from snapping at their impudence.

Sebastian couldn't help but turn to look at him. That was quite a pronouncement. A smile crept out onto his face.

“What I mean is; as we're together we're going to be at races with one another, we knew we had to do something about that,” explained Mark more calmly before any of the journalists had time to pick him up on his comment.

 

“But you've been at each other's races for a while now without telling people?”

Mark was tempted to note that they only seemed to have noticed that now after well over a year.

“No, funnily enough we thought that people might make a fuss about the whole thing,” interjected Sebastian. “So we were trying to pick the right moment.”

“Life just got in the way,” added Mark.

“We've found that life has the tendency to surprise,” finished Seb.

He couldn't help but smile as he said that and Mark joined him, even though they knew that they'd given the press another line to amuse their readers with.

 

“Okay everyone that's a wrap for now. Thank you,” finished Britta.

Mark and Seb did their best not to look too relieved as they got up to leave and there was another flurry of camera flashes as they hoped to capture an unguarded moment.

 

 

 

As soon as they were out of sight of the media they both let out long sighs of relief that it was over.

Mark dropped his head back and looked up at the ceiling.

“Thank god that's done. They really do come out with some utter bullshit.”

He looked over at Sebastian.

“Okay?”

Seb gave a tight nod. That was what he was going to get over and over in every interview all weekend and doubtless for many race weekends to come.

Mark pulled him into a hug and they stayed together for a moment until they felt better.

“I'm glad you were here,” admitted Sebastian.

“Course. Think you had that though. You really are very good at all that stuff.”

Sebastian did an awkward little half-shrug.

“Doesn't mean I don't hate it,” he confessed.

“Yeah I know,” Mark consoled softly.

 

Mark gave Seb's arm a rub to cheer him up.

“Your tips were very useful. One or two of them really were starting to wind me up. I had to work pretty hard there not over-react,” Mark explained.

“You were great,” insisted Seb.

“Don't think I said anything too bad, anyway.”

Sebastian gave Mark a smile as he remembered what he had said.

“You want to shout about it?”

“Hmm?”

“Us. You said you never had anything you wanted to shout about before,” recounted Seb.

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Damn right I do. Sod them if they want to make something of it. I think I might be past caring.”

 

Britta came through and they separated to face her.

“How was that then?” wondered Sebastian.

“Fine. As we'd expected I think. You did well. Are you two okay?” she checked.

“Yeah, could be worse,” allowed Seb.

He knew it would have been far worse without Mark there.

 

“You're a good team,” Britta praised, thinking how well they operated together, balancing things out and judging when the other needed them to step in.

Mark and Seb looked at her and then back at each other thinking about the irony of her observation.

“Only a couple of years too late,” joked Mark.

Britta realised what she'd just said and laughed.

“Oh dear. Yes. Well it's true anyway. Okay you're done for now. Don't forget there may be some of them hanging around outside when you leave,” she warned.

 

They headed off, grateful to get out of there. As they reached the door Mark turned to Sebastian.

“What you said about Bernie...”

Seb looked innocent.

“Hmm? Well, he never said he _didn't_ support us.”

 

Mark shook his head and smiled again thinking how smart Sebastian was. He was reminded how glad he was that they were on the same side these days.

In a strange way Britta was right; they each had their strengths and weaknesses, but together they made a good team. If only they had worked that out sooner, how different life could have been. They knew it now though; they were a team, stronger together, and together they were going to make it through all this.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will now be a short interval while I finish up the next bit.
> 
> Please tip your waitresses...
> 
> ;)


	46. Not Giving Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised this is the second part to go with the last chapter.

* * *

 

 

 

The following day Seb was grateful to get into the car and forget all about everything that was going on off the track. Mark was stood in the corner of the garage as he set off for his initial runs in first practice.

Originally they had expected to stick to their usual plan and let Seb get on with things in free practice while Mark hung around the motor-home doing some preparation Le Mans for Porsche on his lap-top, but Britta had pointed out that he should at least be there to begin with, as first impressions counted and the cameras would be looking for Mark playing his supportive role, so Mark had dutifully complied despite Sebastian telling him he didn't have to.

 

It was no great hardship and Mark didn't care if he got a few knowing grins from the team in the garage. He'd known most of them long enough to be sure that they were only amused at the turn of events, not that they were jeering in any way.

When they had walked in together Christian had gone over and made a point of greeting them both even though he had already spoken to them a number of times since they arrived. They all knew that it was the benefit of the lurking cameras.

 

As they had walked along to the garage there hadn't been quite so much media as the day before as most of them had been in position ready to cover the start of running on track, but it was impossible to entirely ignore the amount of attention that they attracted from all and sundry in the paddock as they walked along together, not doing anything more exciting than being by one another's side.

Mark's natural reaction to the looks that came their way was to stare right back at anyone who looked at them, and nearly all people diverted their gaze as if they had been caught out when he did so.

Seb walked along admiring how confidently Mark did that. He tried to copy him and found that the more he did so, the easier it got. Looking away or down at the ground seemed to denote that he had something to feel uncomfortable or ashamed about, so he knew shouldn't do that. Seb just needed to keep making himself do it and surely it would get easier.

 

 

 

 

By the end of the day Sebastian was feeling better about the weekend overall. Getting so much attention wasn't fun, but each time he got through a media interview huddle or crossed the paddock without letting any sign appear how bothered he was by it all, it got a little bit better as it reinforced the knowledge that he _could_ do this, even when Mark wasn't by his side.

 

When he headed back to his room to find Mark after finishing up in the garage after FP2 Seb managed to joke that he was starting to feel like the Pied Piper with the little trail of journalists he seemed to pick up wherever he went.

For all that he insisted that he was fully focussed on racing and that it wasn't a distraction, the truth was that keeping up a positive front and fighting to ignore the press when he was away from officially arranged interviews _was_ tiring.

Nothing to be done but get on with it though, and whenever he got a moment to be alone with Mark, Seb was unfailingly grateful for the unlimited supply of hugs and support he got, helping him shake off unpleasant experiences and build himself up to face the world again.

 

 

 

 

Arriving at the drivers' briefing at the end of Friday, Sebastian realised that he had allowed himself to spend a little more time with Mark than he ought to have done and he was running late.

It was the first time he had really come into contact with any drivers other than his team-mate and although when questioned, he had said that he had received support from his colleagues it was mostly second-hand reports, in fact Seb hadn't spoken to anyone apart from Daniel. All he had was Mark's feedback from what he had watched of the interviews from the pen in Monaco so he entered the large room with a distinct feeling of trepidation.

 

Most of the rows of chairs were filled and Seb realised that he should have got here earlier. Dan was sat up by the front and there was no room near him so Sebastian was left seeking for a seat on his own near the back. He got plenty of looks and several drivers turned to their neighbour whispering comments. He spotted Kimi a couple of rows ahead, but he didn't even turn around to look at him.

Sebastian fixed his best unbothered expression onto his face and took a seat on the almost empty row at the back, feeling for all the world like a new kid at school. He'd been here countless times before but it felt totally changed now that everyone was looking at him as if he was a different person to the one they had known before.

 

He was just starting to think he was being paranoid about feeling as though people were judging him and treating him differently, when the Force India driver Sergio Perez that he had ended up sat next to, looked over at him and without saying a word got up and walked away, squeezing along the side to find a seat nearer the front.

 

No one in the room failed to notice what had happened and there was another round of whispered conversations and stolen glances in his direction. Seb tried not to let his feelings of humiliation show on his face but he couldn't help staring at the ground and wishing that it would open up and swallow him. He took a steady breath and forced himself to look back up. He would _not_ let them see how much that hurt.

As Seb stared determinedly at the front he caught Dan's eye from where he was sat in the middle of a group of drivers and thought he looked awkwardly back. Sebastian cursed the fact that he had got there too late to have sat with his team-mate.

 

On the very front row he saw Lewis turned around looking directly at him and Sebastian had to fight the urge to look away or to shout back asking why the hell he was staring. Either way he knew would seem like a childish reaction, so he held his gaze, hoping that he didn't look as weak as he felt in that moment.

Lewis appeared to decide something and got up, pushing his way past his neighbours to get to the end of his row and walked to the back. Seb was just wondering what he was doing when Lewis made his way down his row and came to sit next to him. Sebastian's mouth opened a little and he was just trying to think what to say when his attention was pulled away to the door opening behind him and Fernando entered the room and took a seat on his other side.

Sebastian was dumbfounded, wondering what the hell was going on, when Charlie walked in via the door at the front and the briefing began before he could think what to say to ether one of the men sat beside him.

 

 

 

At the end of the session all the drivers started getting up and talking all at once as they started to leave. Seb turned to look at Fernando as he rose out of his seat, but all he got was a nod. Seb nodded back in thanks and before he could think of anything to say Fernando was gone.

He turned back to face Lewis who had made no effort to leave and finally found his voice.

“Thank you.”

Seb didn't know what else to say. Lewis might not have said anything as he had taken the seat next to him, but the act itself was enough.

Lewis shrugged.

“No problem man. Some people clearly don't know how to behave.”

Lewis spoke deliberately loudly and looked up at the last group of drivers as they left and got a few looks back as they walked out.

 

Now that there were no other drivers in the room Seb let his posture slump.

“You alright?” asked Lewis.

Sebastian puffed out a breath and pulled himself together. He wondered why Lewis was being so nice to him. They'd always got on well enough, but he had never considered them to really be proper friends.

He shrugged.

“I guess,” Seb allowed.

“That was a shitty thing he did,” sympathised Lewis.

 

Sebastian couldn't do anything more than shrug again. He wanted to think of a reason that Perez might have done that for any reason other than to send a message, but he was drawing a blank.

He was about to thank Lewis again before getting back to Mark to receive the hug he needed when Lewis continued.

 

“I wanted to talk to you anyway,” explained Lewis.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, umm, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I feel really bad about what happened in Monaco. The stuff they wrote in the papers afterwards, that was all bullshit, but I am sorry.”

Sebastian frowned at him, wondering what on earth Lewis was talking about.

“What do you mean?” Seb asked, certain that Lewis wasn't referring to him and Mark, but something to do with himself.

“In the pen. When they told me what had happened. About you and Mark I mean. I had no idea. I mean really, not a clue. I was all on a high after the race and stuff too, so it was pretty bad timing. They just threw it at me so I wasn't thinking, it was just a totally natural reaction,” ran on Lewis, clearly thinking Sebastian would understand what he was talking about.

 

Seb looked at him blankly and shook his head.

“Lewis what are you on about?”

Lewis frowned back. He'd assumed that they would have seen the coverage in the papers.

“You didn't see?”

“See what?”

“Oh. Right. Umm okay, look the papers totally misinterpreted it, but the thing is when they told me about you and Mark, well, I laughed. I'm sorry. It just took me totally by surprise. I had no idea about you two. Not a clue. I didn't even know you were gay. You never said anything.”

“No, well, it's not the sort of thing that crops up in casual conversation is it?” excused Sebastian.

“No, guess not. Anyway, I wasn't expecting it. It was just a natural reaction,” tried Lewis again.

Seb raised an eyebrow thinking that line sounded familiar.

“And then all the papers have been saying I was taking the piss and laughing _at_ you and it wasn't like that at all man. Really. I'd never do that.”

Lewis sounded horrified and Seb was sure he was genuine.

 

“You didn't see any of that stuff then?” wondered Lewis after a moment.

Seb shook his head.

“Nope. We've been avoiding the papers as much as possible unsurprisingly.”

“Oh yeah. I suppose so. Right, well anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I tried to explain that the other day and I think I just made it worse because I said I couldn't believe it and they made that sound like I disapproved and...”

Lewis let out a long sigh.

“I always seem to fuck things up in the media. I've got a big mouth and I think it operates on it's own most of the time.”

Sebastian let out a little huffed laugh.

“Yeah I'm not feeling too well-disposed towards the media right now either.”

“I'll bet,” sympathised Lewis. “Okay, so are we alright then?”

“Sure. Thank you for what you did just now though. You've no idea how much that meant.”

Lewis gave a little nod.

 

“I don't know what point he thought he was making,” added Lewis.

“Dunno. Maybe he thinks it's catching?” joked Sebastian, feeling much better when Lewis laughed back, clearly thinking the idea ridiculous.

“He's an idiot,” added Lewis. “Anyway, you'll tell Mark won't you?”

“Tell him?”

Seb thought Lewis must know that he was bound to tell Mark what had happened.

“That I wasn't being obnoxious laughing at you. I feel really bad about it. I know how disrespectful it must seem, but it really wasn't that. I've always respected you and Mark even if we've been fighting on track, you know?”

“It doesn't bother you us being together?” wondered Seb.

Lewis shrugged.

“Why should it? Live and let live right? I mean I guess I was kinda surprised, but mostly cos it's you and Mark, you know?”

“Sure,” agreed Sebastian, thinking that was fair enough. There was nothing wrong with people being surprised at the dramatic change in their relationship when they'd kept it so quiet.

“But I wasn't laughing at it, not like that. It was just a reaction, I wasn't really thinking about how it looked,” emphasised Lewis.

Seb smiled.

“It's fine. I think we know a thing or two about about that,” pointed out Sebastian.

 

Lewis cottoned on to what Seb meant and smiled.

“Yeah guess you do.”

“Don't worry about it. We know what the press are like,” reassured Sebastian.

“Hmm, yeah. You must be having a crappy time of it,” sympathised Lewis.

“Mmm, not great.”

Lewis nodded. He'd always had lot of media attention, plenty of it negative, and he'd had to learn to deal with it, but he knew it was nothing like what Seb and Mark had been going through recently.

“Anyway, thanks for saying that and thanks for you know, being decent just now,” acknowledged Seb.

“Of course. Besides I know one or two things about what it's like having the press all over you for who you're with. Not that it's the same at all, but anyway...”

 

Sebastian just nodded in response and they started to get up and they made their way out. Before they went outside Seb paused.

“There might be press out there, you might want to go on ahead,” he offered.

Lewis frowned.

“What? In case I don't want to be seen with you?”

“No I mean just to avoid the hassle. It's okay, I don't mind.”

Lewis shook his head.

“Nah no way man, fuck 'em.”

 

He stepped out of the door and waited to make sure that Seb was following so they could walk back along the paddock together. As predicted there was a fair amount of press waiting for Sebastian to exit and they threw a few questions that they both ignored. There were several cameras that flashed as well as at least one television camera filming them as they walked out.

“So hey I was thinking,” started Lewis, speaking quietly as they made their way along the paddock.

“Hmm?”

“That time I gave you a ride home?”

“Ah.”

Seb couldn't help but smile a little guiltily.

“Was that so you could see Mark?” guessed Lewis.

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“Umm, yeah. Sorry about that, but it really was a thing. Mark crashed in testing and I needed to get back quickly to see he was okay. I hope you don't think I was taking advantage?”

“Nah that's cool. I guess you must have been worried?”

 

Seb nodded more seriously and Lewis nodded in reply before letting out another little laugh.

“Jeez you two really are the real deal. I think that's still gonna take me a little time to get used to,” he admitted.

Sebastian just shrugged again. People could take all the time they wanted to to get used to him and Mark being together, it wasn't about to change.

As they reached the Mercedes motor-home, Lewis peeled off to go inside. As they parted he slapped Seb on the back.

“Good luck anyway. Say hi to Mark for me,” Lewis grinned cheerily.

 

As Seb carried on to the RedBull base he wondered how aware Lewis had been that the papers would use that shot of them saying such a friendly goodbye. For all that Lewis complained about the media there was an extent to which he courted the attention. Not that Sebastian was about to hold it against him; Someone deliberately choosing to show the world that he was being friendly with Seb when he knew that he would be judged on it for good or ill, was hardly something to criticise.

 

 

 

 

As he returned to Mark in his room, Seb recounted what had just happened. Mark had anticipated that the meeting might be an awkward occasion but he hadn't imagined anyone being so blatantly against Sebastian.

 

“The little fucker. If I see him I think I might have to remind him what manners really are,” suggested Mark angrily.

“Don't. You know no good comes out of it,” placated Sebastian, placing a calming hand on Mark's arm as they sat together on his bed.

“Hmm,” huffed Mark.

He looked at Sebastian and shook his head.

“Are you alright?”

Seb shrugged.

“Yeah. Fine now. It was pretty horrible in the moment though. It was like being back at school,” he admitted.

“That's exactly what it was. Childish little shit. I hope he's proud of himself.”

 

Mark took a deep breath and let it out.

“I'm okay,” assured Sebastian.

“Yeah? Good. I'm not sure I'd have handled it as well as you.”

Mark suspected in Seb's shoes he'd have been unable to stop himself calling Perez out and causing a scene.

 

Mark slipped an arm around Seb and gave him a hug. He wished he could be by his side for all of this so Sebastian didn't have to go through it alone, but that just wasn't possible. Seb always got through the worst situations though. Mark gave him a smile reminding himself how tough Seb was when he needed to be.

“Anyway I was very glad Lewis came over and sat with me, and Fernando too.”

Seb paused and examined Mark's face.

“That was you, wasn't it?”

“Hmm?”

Mark sounded innocent but Seb smiled and shook his head.

“You asked Fernando to sit with me so I wasn't on my own,” guessed Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“I might have suggested he could do,” he confessed.

 

He'd crammed in a quick coffee with his friend that afternoon when Sebastian was still running through things with his team in the garage. Mark knew when it came to favours it was him that owed Fernando and not the other way round, but when he had asked him just to make sure that Seb was okay, Fernando heard the barely disguised worry in Mark's voice and hadn't the heart to refuse him.

 

Seb shook his head at Mark but he couldn't feel anything but pleased to know how he was concerned for him.

“It was fine anyway seeing as Lewis moved.”

“Yeah that was good of him,” conceded Mark.

“You know, underneath all that show he's a good guy,” added Sebastian.

 

Mark nodded. He and Lewis were never going to have a lot in common, but a decent person was a decent person. As far as Mark was concerned what you did said far more about you than what you wore or what music you preferred.

 

“Yeah well I'm glad he did,” confirmed Mark. “You know I did actually see his interview in Monaco,” he continued.

“Oh? You didn't mention it,” noted Seb.

“Didn't I? Sorry. Well yeah I remember he seemed pretty shocked and laughed a bit, but they did just drop the bombshell on him right in front of the cameras.”

“He feels pretty guilty about it.”

“Oh well, I didn't think anything of it at the time. I suppose we know what the papers are like for making a big deal of things.”

“True enough.”

Mark thought of something and frowned.

“Where was Daniel? Why didn't he sit with you?”

“Oh he was up front in the middle of a group. He'd have had to fight his way out to come sit with me,” explained Seb.

“Hmm.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“It's not his fault. Anyway it's all done with now. I just want to forget it and move on. Okay?”

Mark nodded.

“Sure. If you're done why don't we head back, get some dinner and an early night?” he suggested.

Sebastian smiled. “Sounds perfect.”

 

He gave Mark a kiss on the cheek and they left for the evening, hoping they could find somewhere nice and quiet in the city away from all the hullabaloo of the F1 bubble, ready for Seb to be all set for a good run at qualifying the next day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When they got back to their hotel room on the Saturday evening, Seb had hardly dumped his belongings on the floor before he flopped bodily down onto the bed.

“Urgh.”

Mark sat down by him, placing a hand on Seb's hip as he leaned over him.

“That bad?”

Sebastian turned his head to look at Mark and puffed a breath.

“I'm just tired.”

 

Mark gave Seb a look to remind him that it was just the two of them talking now and they no longer had to keep up the fronts they'd been maintaining in public.

Seb closed his eyes for a moment and puffed another breath before looking back at Mark.

“I swear to god, if another journo asks me if all this is distracting me, I think I might lose it.”

Sebastian sighed and shook his head a little.

“They just don't seem to get that _they_ are the ones distracting me. They talk as if it's some abstract thing, that they're not a part of it.”

 

Mark lay himself down on the bed next to him.

“It's all bollocks mate. You've just got to remember that and keep on going,” he suggested.

“I know,” allowed Seb heavily.

“I know you know. You're doing a great job. I'm sure I'd have snapped by now and told them to go fuck themselves if it was me,” Mark confessed.

“I think if I have to have another conversation with _Eddie Jordan_...” Seb shook his head. “He doesn't even make sense.”

“Ah well Eddie's always been half-way cracked,” allowed Mark.

He shot Sebastian a grin and Seb couldn't help feeling cheered up a little.

 

“Yeah. I dunno. They've got me wondering if all this fuss _is_ starting to distract me. I mean p4...”

Mark looked at him firmly.

“P4 is fine.”

“ _Fine_ isn't really what I'm aiming for,” protested Sebastian.

Mark let out a little laugh.

“Well that says it all doesn't it? Hmm?”

He looked at Seb and slid his hand a little further up to rest on his waist.

“You're not satisfied with settling for anything. I think that shows you're just the same racer you've always been.”

 

Sebastian smiled and moved onto his side, placing his hand onto Mark mirroring him as they rested on the bed.

“Thanks. Yeah. I mean once I get in the car and put the visor down I know I just have to focus. It's a bit easier than when I'm in the garage and I have to pretend I don't know the cameras are on me, on us, the whole time,” Sebastian admitted.

“Yeah well, like I said. They can go fuck themselves,” repeated Mark.

“Yeah,” Seb puffed a breath. “It's tomorrow that matters, right?”

“Right.”

“I'd really like the chance to prove nothing's changed by getting a good result,” Seb confessed.

“Mmm, just get what you can. Things can get a bit interesting on this track, so you never know, but don't let them get in your head making you think you have to prove something to the world,” insisted Mark, worrying that Seb might go too far in trying to make his point.

“Forget all the bullshit and just do what you do,” Mark continued.

Seb nodded firmly. If he changed how he approached the race then that would be letting them win. He couldn't let that happen.

 

“Right then,” started Mark changing the subject. “Do you fancy heading out and getting some food. See if that doesn't help you forget about everything for a while?”

“Hmm, would it be terrible if I said I'd rather just stay in and get room service?” wondered Sebastian.

“You really are tired?”

“Mm, a bit. Mostly I just can't be bothered with the world right now. I don't really want to see anyone at all tonight.”

Sebastian knew that might seem a bit as though he was hiding away, but he was simply exhausted from constantly having to think about what he was doing and how people were judging him.

“I'll go then shall I?” teased Mark.

 

Seb rolled his eyes.

“Ach not _you_. You're the only one I want to see.”

Mark grinned back at him.

“Ah well that's good.”

Mark leaned in to give him a kiss and Sebastian shifted himself up closer as Mark took a firmer hold on him and pulled Seb in tight.

“Staying in it is then,” confirmed Mark.

“Thanks. I think I just need to relax and have an early night.”

“Mmm,” rumbled Mark. “Now if only I could think of something I could do to help you relax...”

Sebastian laughed at the wicked grin on Mark's face. Yes he definitely wanted Mark with him tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark sat around waiting in hospitality killing time on his own while Sebastian went through his race preparations with the team in the garage. The plan was that he was only going over to join him in the garage shortly before Seb had to get in the car, so for now he was stuck drinking a coffee on his own and watching the pre-race coverage on one of the large screen televisions.

 

The Sky team had managed to collar Niki Lauda outside the Mercedes garage and they were asking him a few general questions about how things were looking for the team in the race and whether they expected to continue their excellent run of form. As a pause came in the conversation Simon picked things up.

“There's obviously been a lot of conversation in the paddock this weekend about matters away from racing,” started Simon, clearly leading into something that didn't take a lot of brain power from Mark to guess was coming up.

“So as someone who's been around the F1 circus for a long time and pretty much seen it all, what do you think?”

Niki looked at him, seeming to have to pull himself in to make himself pay proper attention to whatever it was this latest person was twittering on to him about.

“What do you mean?” asked Niki.

Simon looked a little disconcerted to have to spell it out.

“Well, umm, about Sebastian, after Monaco...”

Niki shrugged.

“Sebastian is a four time world champion. A racing driver. All I care about is what he does on track against my drivers. I don't give a shit who he is fucking.”

 

Mark nearly spat out his coffee laughing.

Simon seemed to turn a shade paler and the crew pulled the shot away as Niki Lauda walked back into the garage. Mark was certain he saw a naughty little glint in Niki's eye as he did so.

“Right, well, forthright opinion there from Niki. Apologies for the bad language.”

“I think you have to work pretty hard to shock Niki Lauda,” noted Martin dryly by his side.

 

Mark coughed and shook his head. What did they expect? Ask for Niki Lauda and you get Niki Lauda. He had literally been through the fire in F1, so he had earned the right to say whatever he wanted and no one dared tell him otherwise. He was almost always honest and invariably entertaining in the process. No wonder everybody loved him. Mark had just added himself to that list.

The language might not be quite how Mark would want to put it, but he couldn't fault Niki for his unflinching directness; He really didn't give a shit. Mark wished a few others shared his opinion around here.

 

 

The coverage cut to the drivers' parade and Mark was pleased to see Sebastian looking relaxed and waving to the crowd. There had thankfully been no adverse reaction that he could detect from the fans at the track so far. No sign of the old booing which Mark had worried about, but not mentioned to Seb for fear of putting the idea in his head. Maybe the fans were more accepting than the media expected them to be, or maybe it was down to the fact that they were in Montreal which had always been a fairly sophisticated metropolitan base for formula one. Either way Mark was grateful.

As they finished the parade and got out of the cars he watched as Seb chatted happily to Daniel as they walked back towards the garage. Mark checked his watch to see how much longer he should wait before heading over himself.

He looked back up at the screen and Mark saw a shot of Kimi Räikkönen getting out of his classic parade car. Mark could have sworn that Kimi was looking over at Seb as he walked away. Sebastian had told him that Kimi hadn't spoken to him all weekend which Mark thought was a pretty pathetic response from someone who was generally still friendly to Seb even if they weren't truly friends any more.

Mark shook his head and thought that Kimi should grow up. Even if he didn't know what to say to Seb after all that had happened, he could at least say hello. But Kimi couldn't even do that. Coward, thought Mark, shaking his head. Kimi didn't deserve Seb's friendship. Mark knew just how much that friendship was worth. It was Kimi's loss.

Mark looked back at his watch. Time to just nip to the loo and then head on over to the garage.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian smiled over at Mark as he saw him take up his place discreetly at the back of the garage, and was pleased to get a smile back. He turned his attention back to his engineer, happy just to know that Mark was there supporting him. He didn't need anything more than that right now. Hopefully they would get a moment before he had to get in the car to have a quick last word and a hug out the back away from prying eyes just to set him up ready to go. If not he'd be okay. Mark just being there in his corner was enough.

 

 

 

Seb sat in his car at the start-line. He stared at the five lights above, waiting for them to go on in turn before blinking out indicating the race was on.

He could hear his own heart pounding with anticipation, the sound of his car revving, his foot resting lightly on the accelerator ready to set off. He wasn't consciously thinking about anything else; not about the strategy, that was logged in his mind ready to recalled as his engineer guided him; not about all the hoo-ha surrounding a race weekend and the fuss that had centred on him; not even about Mark.

That Mark was there supporting him wasn't something that Sebastian had to think about, it was just something that he knew at his core, making him feel stronger, braver, as though nothing could stop him.

 

One, two, three, four, five lights on, and then out. Foot to the floor and nothing else to focus on but the race to the first corner and an eye on all the cars around him doing the same thing.

 

 

 

Mark tried not to let any sign of disappointment show on his face as he watched Seb get bogged down at the start and cars overtake him.

_Damn, damn, damn._

He knew there was nothing wrong with Seb's reaction times, it had to have been something with the car, probably the clutch settings. He had learned a thing or two about that in his time. All he could do now was pray that it was just a start problem and that Seb could fight his way back.

 

 

Having fallen all the way down to a dispiriting eighth place, Sebastian refocussed and concentrated on the information coming through his radio telling him that they couldn't see any ongoing issues. He put it behind him and started picking his way past a couple of the midfield runners he knew he could take going into the corners with his car's superior downforce. The Renault engine was better than the one he had in the previous season, but it was still not as strong as a Mercedes', so the corners were where he had to make things count.

 

Mark stopped hiding his feelings and let himself smile as he saw Seb making gains. Never give up. Seb didn't really need telling that, it was part of who he was, part of what made him such an amazing person, part of the reason Mark loved him.

 

 

Sebastian was busy battling with the two Williams ahead of him, hoping that they might be too distracted by fighting each other for position when double yellow flags appeared being waved in front of him and then the word came through that the safety car had been deployed. He had no idea what had happened, but whatever it was wasn't good.

 

Mark flinched back as he watched the leading Mercedes of Nico Rosberg slam into the Lotus of Pastor Maldonado as he inexplicably attempted to flick back up his inside going into the hairpin. Mark shook his head at the screen and glanced at Britta by his side. Maldonado had been trying unlap himself which he was entitled to do, but not by behaving like an idiot and not only ruining Nico's race but endangering everyone around him.

The two of them spun off into the large run-off area in front of the grandstands. Mark thought they were lucky in a way that it was there given how close the walls were for much of the rest of the track. As they got out of their cars he was relieved to see that they both seemed unhurt. It wasn't hard to see how unhappy Rosberg was as he stalked over to Pastor making his way off track, said something as he raised his visor and then walked away making a whirling movement with his finger at the side of his head indicating that he thought Maldonado was crazy.

Mark had to work very hard not to smile. He'd definitely seen that gesture somewhere before.

 

 

 

With Rosberg out, Lewis was promoted to the lead and everyone behind him jumped up a spot, putting Seb into fifth. He still had the Williams between him and Daniel though and Mark knew that making progress was no easy task.

Slick pit-stops were not enough to give Sebastian the jump he needed and he was left with a fast diminishing number of laps to try to do something. The Renault engine was no match for the Mercedes one in the Williams and Seb could do nothing to catch them on the straights and he was falling further away. It was starting to look hopeless when yet another safety car was called after Romain lammed his car sideways into the wall of champions and all the cars were bunched back up again.

 

Mark had little time to think what a rotten day the Lotus team were having before the car was cleared away and the safety car was coming back in, allowing free racing to start up again. The distance that the two Williams had built up had been wiped out and he knew that Seb would be sniffing to see what he could get now.

A traitorous part of Mark's brain wanted Sebastian to play it safe, not to endanger himself by trying a risky move to get the overtake. But that wasn't racing and it certainly wasn't Seb. Mark knew he just had to tough it out and see what happened in these last few laps.

 

 

Sebastian reset himself as the train of cars prepared to fully release their throttles and fight it out for the last nine laps of the race. His tyres were good. His engineer had just assured him that he had no fuel concerns. This was all down to him now.

The long straights were doing him no favours; He was still in touch, but not quite close enough to Massa ahead of him to qualify for DRS.

 

The laps were ticking down. Mark was trying hard to focus on the opportunities for Seb and not just wish the race was over so he could be safe and out of the car. There was no good to come from thinking like that.

 

Six laps to go, five. Sebastian stared at the rear wing of the Williams in front. Tantalisingly close through the corners and then agonisingly streaking away on the straights. Four laps to go now. Maybe the race was done? Maybe there was nothing to be gained. Maybe it was too late? Maybe he should give up?

It was that last thought that crossed his mind that set him on. Give up? That wasn't what they did.

 

_Never give up._

_I won't give up on you either._

 

Those were the lines he always read to set himself up before each race. Even with Mark there in person, Seb always tucked the letter away in the bag he had with him so he could sneak a last-minute look at it. That letter meant so much to him. Mark had written it for him all that time ago, supporting Seb when he really needed it, without expecting anything in return. That was love, Seb thought. When Sebastian read the letter these days it seemed all too obvious that Mark had loved him when he had written it. It was only a mystery how he hadn't realised that was what it meant back then.

 

He wasn't going to give up. Fight till the end, even if it doesn't work out at least you can hold your head high and know you gave your all.

 

Just three laps to go now, but Massa wasn't getting away. Sebastian pushed as hard as he dared; clipping the apexes, skimming the outside walls, pushing, pushing, pushing.

 

Mark watched on, his heart in his mouth. He knew exactly what Seb was trying to do. Mark took a half step closer to Britta and glanced at her briefly before fixing his eyes back on the screen, not wanting to miss a moment.

 

 

With just two laps left Sebastian gave it everything to get within the one second measurement and got DRS going into the straight after the hairpin. He got closer, closer, then showed Felipe just a nose before settling back in behind him to get the tow.

Mark forgot about all the cameras watching him watching Seb and smiled.

Smart; let him know you're there and the battle is on so he doesn't do something stupid not knowing a challenger might be within touching distance. Massa had been around long enough to know that you fought, but within bounds. At least Mark hoped so.

 

At the end of the straight Sebastian didn't let up, he kept pushing into the kink at turns thirteen and fourteen, knowing he had to make the most of his car's strengths there. He trusted his experience and allowed the car to run so wide it brushed the wall of champions on the way out, giving him the maximum release into the next straight past the start-finish line.

 

Mark grabbed onto Britta's arm, convinced he had just seen sparks fly from the RedBull as it skimmed the wall, his whole body tensing up as they waited with baited breath to see what happened next, desperately pushing away memories of the close call Seb had had with Massa in almost the same place last year.

 

Sebastian released the DRS as soon as he could when he reached the second zone and felt the discernible boost to his car's speed. He ducked in as close as possible, practically hanging on to the back of the Williams and then fired it up the inside, powering by and stealing the position in good time to hold it once they reached the corners ahead.

 

Yes! Mark let go of Britta's arm and pulled it in towards him with his fist clenched. Seb was even smarter than he had realised. By leaving it until the later DRS zone, Seb had made sure that Massa couldn't use the second straight to get a tow from him to try take the place right back. Mark grinned and shook his head. How had he ever had the slightest doubt?

 

 

 

 

 

It felt like an age before Sebastian got back to the garage and Mark could give him the hug of congratulation they had both been waiting on. They took a moment to disappear out of the back to a quiet area where they could talk.

Mark gave him another hug and a kiss, thrilled to see Seb not only out of the car safely, but pleased with what he had done.

“Brilliant mate, brilliant,” praised Mark. “Ah, bloody hell, you had me going there at the end. I'm sure you left the Infiniti logo stencilled on that wall.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Just gave it a little kiss,” he promised, backing it up with a demonstration of just that by giving one to Mark.

 

Mark smiled. He loved seeing how lit up Seb's eyes were when he talked about something in racing that had gone well.

“That was a great race,” asserted Mark.

Sebastian leaned against the partition wall.

“You enjoyed it then?”

Mark laughed. “Ah well I'm not sure I'd go that far. I'm a bit of a wreck watching you on track, but I definitely enjoyed watching you pull off those overtakes.”

Seb nodded, knowing it wasn't very modest, but he couldn't hide how happy he was.

“I know it just looks like I held position, starting fourth and ending fourth, but...”

“But nothing mate, that was an awesome fight back.”

“The clutch went on the start.”

“I know.”

Sebastian puffed out a breath.

“I'm not sure that lot will get that.”

He indicated with a turn of his head in the direction of the press pen.

“I'm betting they'll spend the whole time asking me if being so distracted by everything is the reason Dan got a podium and I didn't.”

“Ah fuck them. If they ask that they don't understand racing. You had no time to pull the same trick on Bottas you did on Massa. Another couple of laps and you'd have had him too.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb, it really felt as though he would have.

Third would have been a nice reward for everything he'd been through this weekend, but you couldn't have everything. He'd run a good race, overcome his early set-back and fought for what he had got. He could be proud of what he had achieved. Mark was proud of him too. That was the only approval he really sought. Mark was right, anyone who thought differently could fuck off.

 

Seb nodded and huffed a breath.

“Gotta go tell them all that then.”

“Righto. I'll be waiting back in your room.”

“Okay, might be a while.”

Mark shrugged.

“No worries. I'm not going anywhere.”

 

He gave Sebastian a little goodbye kiss on the cheek.

“Remember what we talked about if they're being arsey, alright?” Mark reminded, thinking of Seb going out to face the media once more.

“Don't tell them to fuck off to their faces?”

The two of them laughed simultaneously.

“Yeah you've got this down,” confirmed Mark.

 

They walked away. Seb to collect Britta ready to head off to the pen, Mark to go back to the motor-home.

 

 

 

 

As predicted it was a good while before Sebastian had fulfilled all his obligations and he could make it back to Mark. As soon as he had sorted himself out they were back down and heading off to the airport to catch the earliest flight that they could.

 

In the taxi to the airport Sebastian leaned over again and gave Mark another kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

Mark looked at him, his brow furrowed.

“What for?”

Sebastian smiled.

“For that. For not even thinking there's anything for me to thank you for.”

He shook his head at how Mark barely even recognised how much he did for him, how he did it automatically and without question.

Seb leant to the side and rested his head on Mark's shoulder.

“For insisting on coming with me this weekend,” Seb explained. “I could never have got through this without you.”

 

Mark lifted his arm and rested it around Seb's shoulders.

“Yeah you could. But I'm still glad I was here.”

 

Seb took a nice deep breath in and relaxed for a minute. In a short while they'd be rushing around to catch their flight, then back home only long enough to turn around again and head off to France as quickly as possible to get to Le Mans.

“My turn next,” offered Sebastian.

 

Mark turned to him.

“Hmm?”

“To come and support you,” Seb spelt out.

“Ah. Yes. Can't wait,” smiled Mark.

The biggest race of his year and Seb would be by his side, would be there in the garage supporting him, would be there waiting for him, whatever happened. Seb would be there and Mark knew he would be all the better for knowing it, no matter the time of day or night, no matter what the result, Seb would be there for him.

“Your turn,” confirmed Mark, giving Sebastian a little squeeze and smiling at him. “My turn too.”

 

He left his arm around Seb, and they sat that way the rest of the drive to airport, perfectly comfortable as they were.

They worked together; one raced and the other supported, then the other raced and the other supported. Neither role was easy, but easy wasn't what they had signed up for.

Who cared what the rest of the world thought? It worked for them and that was the only thing that really mattered.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now straight on to Le Mans. It never lets up does it? I'm knackered just writing all this...


	47. Teamwork - pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had something else I had to work on so I've been struggling for time on this, so yet again it's a two-parter.  
> It's that or make you wait longer on an update & I'm not that mean.

* * *

 

 

 

 

Mark and Sebastian arrived in Le Mans feeling as though their feet had barely touched the ground. They had hardly had time to say hello to the dogs and check everything was alright before they were exchanging their bags from Canada for their pre-packed bags for Le Mans and were out of the door again.

 

This far ahead of the race there weren't that many people around at the track and it was a relief to find not so many press hanging around, allowing them to get over to the Porsche base largely unmolested. Mark deposited his belongings in his room and changed into his official Porsche gear ready for a start up meeting.

“You going to be okay here?” checked Mark.

Sebastian was sat on the bed and lounged down as he spoke.

“Yeah, think I might crash out for a while.”

“Hmm, alright for some,” teased Mark.

 

For all that he'd insisted that going to Canada wouldn't tire him out he felt as though he could use a proper rest. The idea of crawling onto that bed and snuggling up with Seb for an hour or two was very tempting indeed.

Seb pushed himself up on one elbow.

“You're alright aren't you?”

“Yeah, I'll survive. It's just a bit of paperwork and checking in really this afternoon. Not sure how long it'll take,” explained Mark.

“'kay. No problem, then we can get to the hotel and have an early night,” suggested Seb.

“Works for me,” agreed Mark.

He stepped over and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“See you later.”

 

 

 

 

Once the team had got through the official business of registering the car and the drivers for the race they headed back to the garage to say hello to the whole team before the engineers and drivers settled in for an early overview meeting and a run through the schedule. Mark had almost forgotten that Porsche were running a special third car for this most special of races, having taken the decision to increase their chances and with any luck the level of exposure for the brand.

Nico Hulkenburg had put himself forward to race in addition to his formula one commitments so now they had a current or former F1 driver in each of their three cars, clearly hoping for an extra boost to their publicity. They hadn't seen him on their journey from Canada, so Mark supposed Nico must have taken a direct flight to France and got here ahead of him and Seb. Things had been so hectic in Montreal that Mark hadn't even had chance to talk to Nico, but then it was an odd situation with him being merely a temporary team-mate. Still, he was well known as a solid driver, it would be interesting to see what he could bring this weekend.

 

Things were looking fairly strong for the car and the team seemed happy with how things were looking. It was a pretty long run up to the main event itself with a lot of publicity events built in to accompany the time spent in the garage or on track and Mark was reminded that he was going to be kept very busy. It crossed his mind that Seb was going to be spending a lot of time hanging around waiting on him, and hoped he wouldn't get too bored.

 

It was good to see that the team weren't treating him any differently to how they had before. Not that what had happened in Monaco had come as a complete shock to them as most of the top members of the team had been aware that Mark was with Sebastian as part of their plans to go public. He had spoken to his team-mates personally and Mark was fairly sure that a few quiet words had been had with a couple of other key members of the team, but it must have still been a surprise to some of the others. He was impressed with their professional attitude though, so far he couldn't see any change in the way they reacted to him. As far as he was concerned that was just what he wanted. He didn't need anyone coming up to him professing their support for him, behaving as normal and working with him just the same as before was all the support Mark needed.

 

 

 

He was just thinking everything was looking good and anticipating getting back to Seb as the meeting was being rounded up when his boss spoke up.

“Well that's us about done. Thank you everybody. Umm, Mark if you have a minute?”

Mark looked up, a little startled, wondering if Andreas was about to tell him off for turning up at the last minute. He nodded and stayed where he was as everyone else left the room, Jenson raised an eyebrow at him as he walked out, looking amused that Mark was being kept behind after school.

 

Andreas moved from his seat at the end and walked down to where Mark was to perch on the edge of the table.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Fine thanks,” offered Mark, knowing this was clearly just his boss making a polite introduction.

 

“Good, good. I'm glad you made it back from Canada.”

“Yeah. I know we cut it fine, but we came straight here,” excused Mark, wondering what the problem was when he hadn't missed anything.

“Mm, yes.”

Andreas paused, not wanting to say what he needed to next.

“So Seb is here with you then?”

Mark stopped at that. From the hesitation in his boss's voice he knew something was up.

“Yes. Seb's with me. We discussed this. You knew he was coming.”

“Yeah,” acknowledged Andreas.

He stopped again, struggling with how to tackle this.

Mark shook his head, trying to stay calm.

“Okay what is it? Why are you asking about Seb?”

 

Andreas sighed and sat down on a chair turned towards Mark.

“Look Mark this isn't coming from me.”

Mark felt his insides freeze. _Not good, not good._

“What?” Mark challenged.

Andreas opened out his hands in a gesture of apology.

“I'm sorry Mark, but there are some above me who are making noises that they'd rather he wasn't here this weekend.”

 

Mark's stomach churned. This was exactly what he had feared. He should have known it was all going too well.

“You don't want Seb here?”

He tried to sound calm but he didn't feel it at all.

“Not me. Not the team. We've no problem with Seb. This is coming from higher up within Porsche.” Andreas sounded incredibly awkward.

Mark sat back in his chair and set his jaw.

“You knew he was coming. Surely they knew? All this. Seb and me and going public. All that was approved from on high?”

Andreas raised an eyebrow.

“Not quite in the way it ended up happening though.”

Mark had nothing to say to that. He knew that much was true.

 

“So they're withdrawing their support? Porsche have gone out there and _publicly_ supported us and now they're backing out?” Mark sounded disbelieving.

“No, they're not withdrawing their support. It's not that. It's just, well, they're a bit worried about all the publicity,” Andreas explained.

Mark sighed. “We don't _want_ any of that publicity. We just want to be left alone. It's not our fault.”

Andreas sat a little further forward.

“I know that Mark and I'm sure they do too really, it's just that they're a bit nervous about this. Le Mans is a big investment for them. They want the focus to be on the car and the team, not anything else.”

“Right.”

 

Mark felt as if all the air had been knocked out of him.

“Why didn't anyone say something before? We're here now. You've had two weeks to talk about this. No one has said a word.”

Mark took a deep breath trying not to get upset.

“You want me to go back and send Seb home?”

Mark swallowed hard. The idea of having to do that made him want to cry. Seb would be crushed. He felt pretty crushed himself. He had been looking forward to having Seb here supporting him for ages, they both had.

 

Andreas rubbed his face with his hand feeling terrible.

“I'm not asking him to leave.”

“What then?” pressed Mark.

“They just don't want focus pulled from the racing. I'm sorry Mark. This is from a phone call earlier today or I would have spoken to you sooner. I think they watched the F1 coverage this weekend and got a little unnerved by it all.”

Mark slumped back.

“Great. You guys approved me doing that press conference. I thought you wanted to get that all out of the way?”

“That was the idea. I think there was just a bit more attention paid to you all weekend than they would have liked,” explained Andreas.

“We can't help that,” noted Mark helplessly.

“I know. I do know that Mark. I have tried explaining that to them and to be honest, I think deep down they know that as well, but...”

“But what?” challenged Mark.

Andreas opened out his hands again.

“They're scared Mark. Okay? They won't admit to it because they aren't the sort of people that would ever acknowledge that sort of thing, but they are worried about the publicity your relationship is bringing.”

 

Mark puffed a heavy breath, trying to keep himself together. This was exactly what he had worried about.

“So what are you saying?” Mark inquired.

“I'm not asking Seb to go. I wouldn't do that. I just think it would be advisable if you didn't attract any extra attention while you're here,” spelt out Andreas.

 

Mark could have pointed out that was what they wanted, but had no control over. Clearly that didn't count for much.

He shook his head.

“What do they think we're going to do?”

Andreas shrugged.

“You have to admit Mark that what happened in Monaco wasn't what we had planned.”

“I've apologised for that. I thought you understood. It wasn't intentional. It just happened.”

“I know Mark. I understand. I don't have any kind of problem here, okay. This isn't me talking. I'm just the messenger, okay?”

Mark nodded reluctantly.

“Do they think I'm going to jump him in the garage the minute the cameras are on me?” Mark asked, knowing he sounded rather petulant.

Andreas raised an eyebrow. He knew Mark was upset, but in the circumstances it actually wasn't an unreasonable concern.

 

Mark thought about how what he had said applied to Monaco and relented.

“Yeah okay. Look that's not going to happen again. We've learnt our lesson the hard way, believe me.”

“I know this is an unfair thing to put on you Mark. I'm well aware that this is a conversation I would not be having with any of the other drivers about their significant others. Please accept that I don't want to have to say any of this?”

 

Andreas still sounded deeply unhappy and Mark puffed another long breath as he tried to see things from his point of view. He must be under a huge amount of pressure for this weekend.

“Fine. Yeah alright I get it. We'll do our best to keep our heads down, but you have to understand all we ever want is just to get on with things. We're not asking for any of this attention,” insisted Mark.

“I do realise that,” asserted Andreas.

“It's the press chasing us, not the other way around,” emphasised Mark.

Andreas nodded. “Yes I know. We'll do our best to shield you from that this week, but what publicity there is has to be all about the race, all about Porsche, all positive.”  
  


Mark didn't much like the implication that any publicity about him and Sebastian was by default, negative, but he had bigger concerns.

 

“Fine. I'd much prefer it that way,” Mark confirmed.

Andreas seemed to relax a little.

“Good. I'm sure.”

“So what about Seb?” wondered Mark.

“I'm not asking him to leave. He can come to the garage as normal. I want to make it quite clear that he is welcome here with the team okay Mark?”

“Good, okay.”

Mark stopped and took another deep breath before pushing it out and looking at his boss.

 

“They just don't get it do they? All we want is to be left alone and just be normal. We don't _want_ any publicity. We don't want the press questioning us and taking pictures and cameras on us all the time. If we could stop that we would.”

Andreas nodded. “I know Mark. I'm sorry.”

“He's okay to come to the garage while I'm racing?” double-checked Mark.

“Yes,” confirmed Andreas.

 

If he was being absolutely honest with Mark, Andreas had had to argue that point fairly heavily. He was praying that nothing would happen to prove him wrong when he had promised that it wasn't going to be an issue.

 

“I know the cameras will look for Seb in the garage. The press will ask me questions about it. I can't stop that,” protested Mark.

“I know,” conciliated Andreas. “I'll get our PR guys to have a chat with you about the best way to handle it, but like I say we just want to focus on the race.”

Mark nodded. “That's all I want too.”

 

He closed his eyes a second before opening them back up and considering his boss.

“They'd really rather this wasn't happening wouldn't they?” Mark pushed.

Andreas gave a little tip of the head acknowledging the truth of his statement, but also that it was unfortunate to be the case.

Mark felt as though the ice that had formed inside him was melting and the water was swilling around inside him.

 

He tried not to let it get to him, but he couldn't help letting out.

“They want a good result this weekend, right?”

Andreas frowned. “Of course.”

Mark shook his head. “Well don't they understand that I'll be better for having Seb here? I'll be a better driver for knowing he's here supporting me.”

He swallowed hard, fighting getting upset again. They'd been looking forward to Seb doing just that for so long and now it was under threat.

“I'm glad to hear it,” insisted Andreas. “Look, I don't want you worrying about this all week. We need to be fully focussed on the job in hand.”

Mark was tempted to give him a look to say if that was the case, why had he said anything to make him so uncomfortable, but he knew it wouldn't help.

 

“That's all I want too,” Mark confirmed.

“Good. I appreciate this is hard to hear, and it isn't fair that you are being put in this position, but to be honest Mark I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't tell you.”

 

Mark looked at him wondering if that meant what he thought it did.

“You're warning me?” he guessed.

Andreas leant his head to the side a little, indicating that he didn't want to say so, but that Mark was correct.

Mark huffed a breath.

“So my seat is in danger if we don't behave?”

He was fighting to stop himself from getting angry now.

“Mark this is my team. I have no intention of losing you. I'm just saying that I think you ought to be aware of the bigger picture. A good result is important to Porsche this weekend. That is what they want the story to be,” Andreas explained.

 

Mark took a stilling breath. That wasn't entirely unreasonable.

“So I'd better do well this weekend?”

Andreas shrugged.

“Let's just say it would help. If we can point to some good results, that should calm them down a bit in board meetings. Then hopefully any irrelevant personal matters will fade into the background.”

 

He did his best to look positive. Andreas really didn't want Mark to have a problem. He was too good a driver to drop and he had argued against speaking to Mark about this ahead of the race as he had thought, rightly it now seemed, that it would upset Mark and distract him from his preparations. His only consolation was that he had got this discussion out of the way as early as possible and that Mark was sensible enough to take it on board and move on in time for the weekend.

 

“Okay?” checked Andreas.

Mark nodded. He wasn't okay at all really, but what was there to be said? It wasn't Andreas' fault that the Porsche board members were a bunch of old men who freaked out at the modern world intruding into their careful plans.

“Okay, well why don't you get on now. We can catch up in the morning and we'll sort out getting you some time to sort out your approach with the media.”

“Right, fine,” agreed Mark, still not sounding too happy.

“I really am sorry to have had to say all this,” insisted Andreas.

Mark got up and looked at him.

“Yeah I know. It's alright mate, I appreciate you're in a difficult position here.”

 

Andreas copied him and got up, putting out his hand to offer a handshake which Mark accepted.

“You do have our backing. The team here, and myself...” asserted Andreas.

Mark noted the omission of the word Porsche from that assertion.

“...and Seb is absolutely welcome in the garage, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. Let's put this behind us and move on to have a good weekend then,” finished Andreas sounding relieved to have completed an unpleasant task.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark walked away and headed back to see Sebastian wondering what the hell he was meant to tell him about what had been said. As he walked into his room Seb leapt up and looked so pleased to see him it just about broke Mark's heart. He couldn't not tell him, but he knew how much it would hurt Seb to hear what his boss had said.

Mark forced a smile onto his face, putting off the admission for just a few more moments. He couldn't stand the idea that he had to hurt Sebastian it was the antithesis of what their relationship was about; He was supposed to protect Seb, to make him happy, but he was also supposed to be honest with him. Mark felt worse than ever as Seb started chatting away happily.

 

“What took you so long? JB was here, he came to say hello and asked if we wanted to go for dinner. Jessy's not coming until tomorrow so he's on his own.”

Mark tried to keep his face still, but he sat down on the bed heavily next to Seb.

“Mark?”

Sebastian frowned at him, instantly knowing something was wrong.

“Jense said Andreas kept you back. What did he want?”

 

Seb was looking at him with those big blues eyes, a little furrow above them. Mark reached up his hand and placed it against his cheek. He couldn't speak for a moment, but he knew he had to.

 

“There's a bit of trouble.”

The furrow on Seb's brow deepened.

“Trouble? With the team?”

“The board, or some at the top, I don't know,” admitted Mark.

He dropped his hand down and Sebastian could see from his body-language that things were bad.

“Porsche you mean?” Seb tried.

Mark just nodded, looking upset.

Sebastian turned more into him and put his hand on his arm.

“What kind of trouble? You mean about us?”

Mark nodded again, struggling to speak. He took a deep breath and steadied himself.

 

“They've gone wobbly about the bad publicity,” Mark related.

Sebastian bit his lip.

“So what does that mean?”

Mark gave an awkward half shrug.

“Andreas was just warning me that we need to watch ourselves.”

Sebastian shook his head a little not quite comprehending and Mark was forced to spell things out.

“He said they don't want any attention being taken away from the team and the race, so we need to be a bit careful.”

“Careful of what? Of me being with you?” pressed Sebastian.

Mark took a breath in, wondering how to put it, but Seb pressed on as he realised what Mark was getting at.

“They don't want me here,” realised Seb, sounding stunned.

 

Mark's face was the one to crumple, he couldn't bare hearing the disappointment in Sebastian's voice. Seb's face looked frozen as he tried to take the news in.

Seb swallowed hard.

“They don't want me here?” he repeated.

Mark was sure if he had to confirm that he would start crying.

 

Seb looked at how distressed Mark was and knew that it had to be true. He felt sick. After arranging everything, after clearing everything with the team, after getting their official approval, now they had changed their minds?

 

Seb stared at the floor, trying to hold it together.

“I'll go,” he offered tightly.

Mark grabbed a hold of his other arm.

“No. No, you're not going. I want you here supporting me. I need you.”

Mark's voice quavered and Seb looked back up at him.

“It's not the team. Not the team here. They've been fine with me. Andreas says you're welcome, it's just higher up.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian didn't know what to make of that.

“But if the ones at the top don't want it?” pushed Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“It's not you. It's the whole thing they don't want,” Mark explained.

“So _us_ , then. It's that they can't handle us being together?”

 

Mark shrugged again and sighed.

“It's not so much that I think, as the media stuff. I think they just want all that to go away. The only publicity they want it about the brand and how well they're doing in races.”

Sebastian nodded.

“They want a good result this weekend and nothing else getting in the way,” added Mark.

Sebastian looked unhappy.

“And we're what's getting in the way?”

“That's what they're worried about,” confirmed Mark.

“Right.”

Seb swallowed hard, it was impossible not to be hurt at hearing all this, but this week wasn't about him, it was about Mark. He had to hold it together.

 

Mark let out a long sigh.

“He was just warning us to watch what we're doing. He doesn't want me talking to the media about anything other than the race.”

“Okay,” offered Sebastian, carefully rebuilding his composure.

This race was so important to Mark, it _had_ to work out.

“Well we can do that can't we?”

Mark nodded. “Yeah, I guess. I mean it's not like I want to talk to the press about anything other than the car and the race anyway,” he conceded.

“Right, so... okay, okay...”

Seb was working hard to try to find some positives to help Mark.

“You're sure they're okay with me being here?” he checked.

Sebastian thought how vital this race was to Mark's year. If it was a problem him being here then he would leave. There was no way he was going jeopardise all this for Mark.

 

Mark puffed out a long breath.

“No it's okay. Andreas says you're welcome in the garage and everything.”

“We just have to behave ourselves?”

Seb tried to give Mark a little teasing smile, but Mark clearly wasn't quite ready for it.

“Yeah. Think that's the long and short of it. I'm not going to ignore you all weekend though. That's just stupid.”

 

Seb slid his hand into Mark's and gave it a squeeze.

“It'll be alright. You just need to focus on the race.”

Mark nodded.

“I think a good result is pretty important.”

Seb frowned at him.

“For _you,_ you mean?”

Mark nodded tightly.

“Shit, you mean they're threatening to drop you?” worried Sebastian.

“No, not officially. Andreas sounded much more positive and I think he carries a lot of sway when it comes to the team itself, but...”

“But it would help?” intuited Sebastian.

“Yeah,” allowed Mark.

“Yeah,” concurred Sebastian, thinking he understood now; Mark needed a good race to shore up his position. He felt horrible, but it was far worse for Mark. Seb knew he had to put him first. The whole point of him being here was to support Mark. Mark did so much for him, whatever it took, he had to find a way to do the same.

“Okay, well I won't get in the way. You don't need to worry about any of that. I'll just be around and do whatever you want; be in the garage or back here, wherever...”

 

Mark leant his forehead into Seb's, touched to hear Sebastian offering to do anything that Mark asked, just to support him and to help ease the situation. It made him so much calmer about everything.

He sat back up and looked at Seb carefully.

“You won't be in the way. I want you around. I've been waiting for this for ages. We're not letting a bunch of cowards in a boardroom tell us we can't be together,” asserted Mark.

“Alright, whatever you want,” consented Seb.

“I want you supporting me. I'll feel better for it, I'll _be_ better for it. I'm not having them tell me I can't at least give you a hug like we're doing something wrong.”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian levelly. “Just don't let the fact they've pissed you off wind you up, alright Mark? They may be a bunch of suits, but this is your career. You can give me all the hugs you like when you win.”

Mark managed a dry laugh at hearing how determinedly certain Seb was that he would succeed.

“I could use a hug now,” Mark confided.

 

Sebastian thought he should have done that earlier. He shifted up closer and slid his arms up around Mark's neck, pulling him in. Mark put his arms back around Sebastian and rested his head down on Seb's shoulder, appreciating how well Seb had handled the news. He was reminded how easy it was to underestimate how strong Sebastian was. Sensitivity wasn't weakness. If only those idiots in Stuttgart had any idea how much Seb gave him, they'd know what a mistake it was to suggest that he shouldn't be here.

 

Eventually they shifted and Seb moved to press into Mark's side as they sat together, moving his arms to wind them around Mark's waist as Mark put his arm over his shoulder and Seb rested his head in against him. They sat that way for a little longer still settling themselves down from their unpleasant surprise. After a few more minutes, Sebastian lifted his head to speak.

 

“Why don't we get out of here? Sort out our room at the hotel, have something to eat,” proposed Sebastian.

“Yeah okay,” agreed Mark.

He pressed a kiss into Seb's temple and they separated to get up so they could gather up their belongings.

“Is dinner with Jenson going to cheer you up, or push you over the edge tonight?” wondered Seb.

Mark let out a little laugh.

“Ah don't suppose we can leave the poor boy on his own,” offered Mark. “Early one though, then we can get to bed.”

“Righto,” nodded Seb, already thinking what they could do with an early night to cheer Mark up and help him forget his worries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day Mark was off doing work with the team leaving Sebastian kicking his heels. He wandered into the hospitality area thinking he could make a coffee last quite a while when he spotted Jessy sat at a table.

She jumped up to see him.

“Seb!”

“Hello,” greeted Sebastian as he reached her.

She leant in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Seb was reminded how tall she was, hardly surprising for a model, but she was taller than him in those heels. It was a mystery how women walked in them.

 

Sebastian sat down at the table with her, glad of a bit of company.

“It's been ages,” exclaimed Jessica.

“Yeah guess so,” admitted Seb.

Thinking about it, Seb realised he hadn't seen Jessy since last year as she had been away working when they had been in Monaco. Last time he had seen her at a race, Jenson had still been in F1, he and Mark weren't even together. It was a lifetime ago.

“Few changes since then,” noted Sebastian with a little smile.

“Ha! I'll say,” laughed Jess. “Yes, I've a bone to pick with you. Making Jenson keep secrets from me? Disgraceful!”

“Sorry,” apologised Seb.

It was clear that Jessica was only teasing though.

“Actually though that was Mark, not me,” Seb excused.

“Blaming your other half already? Sign of an excellent relationship.”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“I'm going to ask for a coffee. Want another?” Seb offered.

“Oh no thanks, I'm good.”

 

As Sebastian resumed his seat, Jessica's expression was a little more sober.

“How are you guys holding up? Jense said there was a terrible fuss in Monaco.”

Seb shrugged. “We're okay. Hanging in there anyway. You don't seem terribly shocked.”

Jess smiled. “Ah well, I hope you don't mind too much, but I think I may have threatened to set you or Mark up with one of my girlfriends too often over the years and Jenson had to put me out of my misery.”

Seb laughed. “Ah, yes you would rather have been wasting your time there.”

 

It crossed his mind that Jenson must have known the truth about him for a long time without letting on. Maybe more people had than he had realised. At least it showed that they could trust them seeing as they had never breathed a word about it.

 

“Mmm. I still wouldn't have put you two together, but looking back it does make more sense.”

Sebastian took a sip of his drink.

“Go on then, what do you mean by that?”

Jess was clearly dying to share her little theory.

“Well, you two, fighting all the time? All that _tension_ in the garage. Acting like you couldn't stand one another but paying _so_ much attention to what the other was doing?” She smiled. “It's like a Katherine Hepburn movie.”

 

Seb looked blankly at her.

“I may be missing the reference,” he admitted.

“Ah one of those old-time films where she spent half the movie fighting with her co-star and professing how much she can't stand the sight of them, and then by the end of the film you realise it's because they're completely in love.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“Umm, okay. Yeah maybe don't run that one by Mark.”

Jess laughed again.

“Maybe not his scene either,” she joked.

“Not so much,” agreed Sebastian.

“Ah well, all's well that ends well,” offered Jessica.

“Hmm.”

She frowned.

“What?”

 

Seb looked at her wondering how she could think it so simple. If only.

“The media have been jumping all over us. And now,” Seb paused. “Look this goes no further, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Porsche apparently aren't keen on me even being here,” Sebastian confided.

Jess looked appalled.

“What? Why ever not?”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“Why do you think?”

“Oh come on, really?”

 

Seb nodded sadly.

“Yeah. I mean not the team here, but Porsche, the board I think.”

“Oh Seb. That's horrible.”

Jessy placed a comforting hand on Seb's and patted it.

“That won't do at all,” Jess continued.

“Jenson didn't say anything?” wondered Sebastian.

They had touched on the issue at dinner last night and Jenson had bracingly told them to pay no notice.

“Oh I only just got here. I've not even seen him yet,” explained Jessica.

“Ah right. Well, anyway, don't go saying anything to anyone else if that's okay?”

“Sure. Oh dear, what a fuss. I can't believe they're making such a big deal of it.”

Seb huffed an ironic little laugh.

“Welcome to my world.”

“Mmm, well stick with me sweetie, it'll be fine. You're one of the WAGs now, we've got to stay together.”

Seb coughed.

“Am I? Crikey.”

 

Jessica started laughing again, then she leant in and gave Seb a knowing little smile.

“You know you've even started talking like him, don't you?”

“Hmm, yeah you're not the first one to say that. I don't even realise I'm doing it.”

“Yeah, that's what's so sweet.”

 

Seb sat back in his seat and shook his head. First he was some old movie actress, then a WAG, now he was sweet? Hmm. Not _quite_ how he saw himself. But at least Jess was being nice to him. Maybe the two of them would like to have dinner with him and Mark tonight? It might be good to have friends for company to distract them from their concerns.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They lay in bed together later that night. In fact it barely felt like night at all seeing as it was still only just getting dark outside, but Mark needed to log as much sleep as possible going into the race. Sebastian wasn't about to complain about going to bed early though, not when it was with Mark. Besides, he wanted to be as supportive as possible this weekend, so whatever Mark needed was what he would do.

 

Seb shuffled up a little closer to Mark and rested his head onto Mark's pillow.

“You're alright aren't you?” he checked, thinking Mark had been a little quiet that evening.

“Hmm? Yeah m'okay,” Mark assured.

“You did want to have dinner with JB and Jess didn't you?”

“Of course, no it was nice. Sorry I wasn't very talkative.”

Sebastian reached his hand up to lightly stroke Mark's arm beneath the covers.

“Those two talk enough for all of us,” joked Sebastian, gaining a smile from Mark in return.

“You're not worrying are you?” Seb inquired.

 

Mark didn't answer right away so Sebastian continued.

“You don't need to worry. If you want to keep things simple I can stay in your room, or in hospitality and watch from there.”

“No,” replied Mark firmly. “I want you to come to the garage. I want you there supporting me.”

“Okay, that's fine. I'll be there. We'll show them that they've got nothing to concern themselves about,” reassured Sebastian.

“Yeah okay. Thank you.”

 

Mark leaned in and gave Seb a little kiss, moving his hand around to rest at Seb's lower back, liking the way it made him feel closer.

“I am kind of looking forward to getting in the car, seeing how she's running,” he admitted.

Sebastian shifted himself to lie right against Mark.

“You're going to go great. I'm absolutely certain of it,” Seb asserted quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. So just forget about everything else and just concentrate on that,” instructed Sebastian.

“Hmm, okay.”

Mark pressed his face into Seb's just to feel the nice closeness of resting together, he gave him a last kiss then moved back.

“Okay, let's get some sleep then.”

Seb nodded. He gave Mark a little smile.

“You can have nice dreams about cars.”

Mark chuckled.

“Is it alright if I have nice dreams about you instead?”

They both grinned.

“Yes that would also be fine,” allowed Sebastian.

 

They shifted positions, Mark slipping his arm under Seb to pull him in to lie into his chest, Sebastian's head on his shoulder. Mark sighed out a breath and put his arms around Sebastian as Seb hooked his leg over Mark's and settled his arm across him so that they were tightly wrapped up in one another. Seb got the feeling that Mark needed him tonight, even if he said he wasn't worrying.

Mark gave him a little squeeze and relaxed as he felt Sebastian breathing gently against him. It made him feel so much better to have Seb with him. He calmed him somehow. He was handling things so well. Mark knew Sebastian must be hurting over the idea that he was unwanted, but Mark wanted him. There was no way Seb wasn't coming to the garage tomorrow. It would be okay. They were going to handle this and everything was going to be okay.

He concentrated on the steady feeling of Sebastian breathing against him and fell into sync as they always did. Everything was okay. Mark closed his eyes and drifted off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day Sebastian had yet more time waiting around while Mark ran through more things with the team and took part in the obligatory pit-walk session. Le Mans worked hard to provide content for the fans to make the most of, but it did put a lot on the participants to be a part of the show.

 

It wasn't until late afternoon that he made his way to the garage with Mark before the start of the free practice session. One or two members of the team that Seb had met on his previous visits had been polite enough to say hello in passing when he had been around the Porsche base, but it was the first time he was going into the garage.

Sebastian almost wished he didn't know about Porsche's reservations about him being there. He would already have been nervous going back in there after everything had come out in Monaco, but now he was even more self-conscious. Seb's only consolation was that at least Mark had been honest with him. If Mark had kept it from him to spare Seb the worry he would have felt as though Mark didn't trust him to be able to handle things. At least this way they were in it together.

Jenson came over to say hi and Nico actually waved from the other side of the garage, making Sebastian feel rather better. He spotted the TV camera at the entrance panning around and it occurred to Seb that with so many well-known F1 drivers (or former ones) in the garage this year, the cameras were going to be pointed this way pretty frequently over the forthcoming days. No wonder the board had got so antsy about what those cameras would be picking up between him and Mark.

 

Mark was trying to make sure his focus was only on what he needed to do in the car and not everything else surrounding it. Ironically this was precisely what he had been telling every journalist who asked him in all the interviews he had been doing of the past couple of days. He had been working on the advice of the PR team who had impressed upon Mark the need to turn every question around into a positive response about how strong the car was looking, how well the team was working together and how excited they all were to take part in this prestigious event.

It was hard work going against his normal instinct which was to be far more straight-forward and honest. Mark was starting to feel like a politician who was being fed lines, but if that was what it took to keep the team happy, then that was what he would do. He wasn't in any kind of position of strength right now.

 

There was an extent to which it was the correct approach. Mark had no real desire to answer any of the personal questions put to him, and at no point was he asked to lie; he _was_ looking forward to going racing and putting all his focus on the track.

He wasn't too keen on being told exactly what to say, but if the media found that asking questions about his private life got them nowhere, maybe they might stop asking them? It might be something of a pipe-dream, but the media at Le Mans were generally pretty hard-core motorsports journalists so it wasn't quite as hard as it might have been to get them onto the topics Porsche had on their agenda.

 

 

 

 

 

As they arrived at the garage Mark slipped his hand into Seb's for a moment and gave it a quick squeeze before letting go again as they walked in.

Andreas came over to say hello and made a point of shaking Sebastian's hand which Mark thought was pretty decent of him as it was clearly a message to the rest of the team that Seb was accepted and welcome. Mark gave Seb a little smile and walked over to his engineers leaving Sebastian to find a place to lurk at the back out of the way.

 

Seb spotted Jess stood in the corner and made a beeline for her.

“Hey,” greeted Jessica.

“Hello.”

“You came anyway then?” Jess noted in a low voice.

“Hmm? Oh yeah. I was always going to come. I just need to fade into the background a bit,” Seb suggested.

Jessica smiled. “Maybe you should have brought your invisibility cloak?”

Seb raised an acknowledging eyebrow. Actually that would be perfect; if only Mark could see him and nobody else that would be about right for all concerned. Until they invented one of those Sebastian would just have to work on drawing as little attention to himself as possible.

 

 

By the end of the session Sebastian was starting to think that things weren't quite as bad as he had feared. He'd not had a lot of acknowledgement from the team, but they were busy and seeing as he was doing his best to be invisible he had to count that as a success. There had been plenty of looks when he had first arrived, but the members of the team were only human. There was nothing wrong with them looking and being curious.

No one had obviously disapproved or laughed behind their hands at him which was a fear that had lurked in the back of his mind. Not that he really ought to have expected such behaviour from such a professional team, but it was almost impossible to prevent irrational fears leaking into his mind.

They had a job to do and in his own way so did he; Seb saw his job as quietly supporting Mark and showing the team that he could do that without being a distraction. For the past couple of hours that had consisted of standing around without getting in anyone's way and smiling encouragingly over at Mark if he was out of the car. Only once or twice had Mark had little enough to do that he came over to check on Seb and they had only been the briefest of conversations without any physical contact. Surely even the most uptight member of the board couldn't object to that?

 

 

Mark got out of the car smiling and Seb smiled happily back as he pulled his headphones off.

Fastest lap. That was a great sign of things to come, surely? Mark dragged his attention away from Sebastian and got his head down running through the data with his engineers. The car really was feeling good. He didn't want to get his hopes up too high, but it was a darn sight better than the car feeling any other way at this stage. Confidence was essential to getting the most out of the car and out himself behind the wheel and right now Mark was feeling pretty confident. It was hard not to wish qualifying wasn't coming up right away.

 

Sebastian stood watching Mark working away and knew the smile was still on his lips. He couldn't help it. He wanted to go over and congratulate Mark and give him a hug, but Mark was busy and Seb knew he had to let him get on with things.

 

After ten minutes or so Mark bobbed over to see Seb, but it wasn't to join him.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Well done. Great time there,” congratulated Sebastian.

Mark gave him a warm smile.

“Thanks.”

Seb was dying to give him a hug, but Mark was clearly holding back. He settled himself down and did likewise, knowing that Mark was being cautious after his warning.

“So we're going to be a while here. Once we've finished this we're going on to have a full team debrief, so I don't know if you want to head back?” continued Mark.

“Oh, umm, okay, sure,” complied Seb.

 

It was hard not to feel as if he was being dismissed, but Sebastian knew that was just how things worked.

“Okay?” checked Mark, hearing the uncertainty in Seb's voice.

“Yeah course,” recovered Sebastian. “No problem.”

“Be at least an hour. You can go on ahead to the hotel if you want? Get some food?” offered Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“No no. It's fine. You get on with things, it's fine. I'll see you whenever. We can get room service when we get in.”

“Great. Later start tomorrow anyway, so we'll be good.”

 

Seb nodded and made to set off. Mark nodded goodbye and turned back to continue with the team. He'd very nearly gone in to give Sebastian a kiss on the cheek then. It was automatic. He shook his head internally thinking those 'higher ups' on the board had no idea how much they were actually asking of them to go against all their natural instincts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day Sebastian took up his now accustomed place at the back of the garage with Jess for company again. It didn't feel quite so uncomfortable as it had at first. Even if a few of the suits at Porsche were against him, there had been nothing to indicate that the team shared their concerns. He'd even had a brief chat with Nico, which was awkward at first seeing as they had never been particularly close in the paddock. They hadn't even spoken in Montreal, but the atmosphere here was a little more relaxed than at formula one races. Seb wondered if maybe it was him that was starting to feel more relaxed, or maybe Nico had realised that if they were going to be in the same garage he really ought to make more of an effort.

Either way, it was an improvement. The issue of him being with Mark hadn't even overtly come up in their conversation as they had concentrated on discussing the difference between driving an LMP1 car to and F1 car. As far as Sebastian was concerned that was fine. If it wasn't mentioned, then surely that meant that Nico thought it wasn't an issue? Given that the whole point of Seb being here was to be with Mark it was hardly as though that wasn't obvious to Nico. So that had to be good. If only more people would start accepting the fact of them being together as nothing worthy of note.

 

 

 

 

Mark was pleased to still be included as one of the drivers selected to take part in qualifying. It was one of the first really high-profile sessions of the race and it was good to know that not only did the team still trust him, but that they weren't being pushed to keep him in the background.

 

He stepped out of the car after the first part of qualifying thrilled to see the #20 remained top of the pile. No way Mark could get ahead of himself but that was good, very good. Mark looked over at Seb and received a happy little thumbs up that made Mark grin at how cute he looked. All to play for.

 

 

 

By the end of qualifying Mark was rather less happy. He got a stalwart smile from Sebastian from the back of the garage, but he was struggling to smile back.

It was an age before he could get back to his room to find Seb waiting for him there.

 

Mark was sat down on the bed beside him before Seb had time to get up to give him a welcome hug.

“Urgh, it was all looking so good,” bemoaned Mark heavily.

Sebastian slipped his arm around Mark's waist.

“You did do good,” contradicted Seb.

“Hmmm.”

Seb tipped his head around to look at Mark.

“I seem to remember somebody telling me that p4 was fine not so long ago,” he reminded Mark.

 

Mark huffed a laugh knowing he was cornered on that argument.

“Ah alright. I'm just annoyed we were going so well and dropped off.”

Mark let out a sigh. “I should be pleased the other car did better. I am pleased. You know for Jenson. Getting pole at his first Le Mans is incredible,” he admitted.

He shifted further back on the bed and Sebastian moved to turn in sideways to look at him.

“I'm trying pretty hard not to be jealous,” admitted Mark. “That's not a very good bit of teamwork is it? Or being a good friend.”

 

Seb smiled at him, “you're a great friend. You don't need to worry about that. Look at this way; At least it shows that the car is fast, right?”

Mark gave a little tip of his head.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Exactly. So focus on that. You started from fourth last year and got all the way into the lead. Quali's not everything. It's a long race.”

“Not quite long enough for us last year as I remember,” recalled Mark.

“Show's anything that can happen,” tried Seb.

“Mm, okay.”

“Car's looking strong. You've got a good team behind you and you work well with the other drivers. Who knows what you can get from fourth?” stated Sebastian in his best positive tone.

 

Mark shifted in closer to him.

“Yeah, okay, you got me. We're in a decent position. Let's see what happens. Could have been worse. I could have been in the Audi,” he conceded.

Seb shivered.

“God, don't even mention it. That was horrible.”

 

One of the Audi's had crashed in the last part of qualifying, smashing into a barrier and ending their hopes of getting a good starting position. Sebastian had flinched away from the sight and felt his stomach turn over, even though he had known it wasn't a Porsche. Thank god the driver had climbed out remarkably unscathed. It reminded him what a dangerous game this was and Seb really didn't want to think about that.

 

“Yeah, okay. Right, come on let's get back. I'm knackered.”

 

Mark patted Seb's knee and leant in to give him a little thank you kiss for being so supportive when he needed it. As they gathered their things to head back to the hotel Mark reflected that they were back to how things were before; restraining themselves from showing affection in public and worrying about what people thought. It wasn't right. It might not have happened in the way that they had planned, but now that they were out the whole point was that they were meant to be able to behave normally around each other.

It wasn't fair, but if the alternative was Sebastian not being here at all then Mark knew what he would choose. He needed Seb. He was a better person and a better driver for Seb being around. Maybe some people would never understand that, but Mark knew it for sure now. Looking back he didn't know how he had got by without that support before.

As they walked out and through the paddock Mark thought that if they could just prove that to be the case then maybe he could persuade those timid members of the board that Seb being there with him wasn't a negative, but a positive. Talking to them wouldn't do it though. Mark knew he had to demonstrate it to them in the only language they understood: Results.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So next comes the race itself - now more important than ever...


	48. Teamwork – pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is part 2 of what I thought was another 2 part chapter, only as it turns out, Le Mans is a really bloody long race!  
> So there will now have to be another final third part...

* * *

 

 

 

Seb stood by the barriers at the side of the road with Jessica for company once again. With so much time to kill this week he was glad that she was here. So much of Mark's time was taken up with preparations for the race with the team as well as fulfilling his commitments with the media and the fans. Without Jess, Sebastian knew he would have been left alone with too much time for his head to fill with worries.

 

He had been relieved to hear that Mark hadn't so far received any negative reactions from the fans during signings or during pit-walks. Maybe those who made the effort to get through the crowds to see the drivers weren't about to waste their time on someone they didn't like, or maybe they were just too well-mannered to say anything negative. Either way didn't really matter.

Seb had been so tied up with everything in Montreal that he had barely come into contact with the crowd there. He hoped that when he did it would be as positive an experience as Mark was having.

 

So far the weather had been good in Le Mans and although it was now early evening Seb was still only dressed in a t-shirt and jeans with a baseball cap tucking his hair away. He reasoned that he wasn't trying to disguise himself. If that was the case he shouldn't be stood with Jess, who was managing to make even a simple summer dress look glamorous and looking every inch the model even as they stood pinned in by the barriers in the middle of the town, but Seb couldn't pretend that he wasn't happy people didn't seem to have spotted who they were as the crowd's attention was focussed on the parade.

They had got there early to ensure a good position and Seb was amazed at the effort that went into it all to create a sense of occasion. There were dancers and marching bands, with the drivers coming along sat on the back of classic cars to wave at the crowd. Pretty amazing really. Sebastian had had no idea so much went into making the race such a big event. F1 could learn a few things from this, he thought.

 

Sebastian started to forget all about their concerns for the race and lost himself in enjoying the moment and actually having fun, catching sweets that the drivers chucked out into the crowds and showing off to Jess by identifying what the cars were that were being driven past them.

 

Jessica was busily ignoring Sebastian explaining how rare the passing classic car was and looking further down the road.

She tugged on his arm. “Look, they're coming up!”

Seb stopped talking and turned to stare up the road to see the approaching band of cars. It was pretty hard to miss Jenson stood up in the middle of his car, waving to anyone and everyone and looking as if he was having a whale of a time. Seb shook his head, if Jenson fell out of the car on the parade because he had got overexcited by the occasion he didn't think the team would be very sympathetic.

Jenson's team car had pride of place due to their pole position, but Seb could see Mark's car behind him. Mark was far more sensibly sat down, and Sebastian watched with a little smile the lead car as it jolted forward causing Jenson to sit down rather rapidly to prevent himself falling over. Both Seb and Jess were laughing at the surprised expression on his face by the time the car reached them and Jenson saw them and laughed back, shaking his head at his own silliness. Jess blew him a kiss and Jenson grinned happily in response.

 

It served to remind Sebastian how free and easy things were for Jessica and Jenson. They were kind and sympathetic, but they would never really understand how difficult things were for him and Mark.

As Mark's car reached them, Seb pushed thoughts like that aside and smiled as he gave Mark a wave, pleased to see that Mark had spotted him in the crowd. As he saw Mark give him one of those special smiles that was just for him, Seb forgot all about their problems and remembered how lucky he really was as they locked eyes. For a couple of seconds it was as if there was no one else there as the noise of the crowd seemed to disappear and it was just the two of them. Then the car was moving on and the moment between the two of them ended, but before he was gone Mark turned his head and very deliberately winked at Sebastian as he passed.

By his side Jess actually squealed with laughter and Seb was drawn back from the connection between him and Mark into the reality of where he was. He laughed as Jessica put her hand on his arm and squeezed it.

“Oh my god, he winked at you! Wow, ha that's so great!” she exclaimed giddily.

Seb shook his head. It was a nice moment, but he couldn't quite see how it was _that_ exciting. Everyone else seemed to think that their relationship was something extraordinary when to them it really was simply the most natural thing in the world.

 

 

 

The two of them stood and watched the rest of the parade as the heat from the sun faded above them. Once it was over the crowd started to drift away and Sebastian and Jessica agreed to slowly walk back towards the team hotel to wait for their respective partners to return. Seb shivered slightly, realising that he should have brought a hoody with him for later.

 

As they walked along he felt a tap on his arm and stopped and turned to see a small boy staring up at him.

“Umm, hi,” greeted Sebastian.

“Are you him?” asked the boy in accented English.

“That depends.”

Jess by his side smiled and butted in.

“Ah don't tease him,” she chastised. “Who do you think he is?”

 

The boy looked nervous and Sebastian wondered where his parents were. He only looked about nine years old.

“Sebastian Vettel?” tried the boy.

“Right first time,” congratulated Seb.

He smiled, trying to make the child feel at ease.

“Do you want an autograph?” Sebastian offered.

“Oh umm, yes please.”

The boy pulled a programme from his pocket and Seb realised that he didn't have a pen so Jessica fished in her handbag until she found a biro.

 

Until then the pair of them seemed to have gone almost unnoticed in the crowd but now that Sebastian had stopped to do this they were getting quite a few more looks from people as they passed on their way back to their hotels or campsites or finding a meal at one of the busy restaurants in the town centre.

A bulky middle-aged man in a faded Audi t-shirt and cap walking by with a woman who was presumably his wife, stopped and turned to him.

“ _Fag,”_ spat the man in an American accent.

 

Seb was startled into looking up from his task. He _had_ just heard that. He hadn't imagined it. Some random stranger had just insulted him for no reason other than who, or to him, _what_ he was.

His first instinct was to crawl away into himself, but he couldn't do that. He couldn't let this person beat him down. Sebastian steeled himself and looked back firmly at the man. It was the best he could manage, no way he could think what he was meant to say in response.

 

“What does that mean?” asked the boy still stood in from of him, patiently waiting for his programme to be returned.

Seb turned back to the kid, lost as to what to say.

“It means that man is rude and ignorant,” stated Jess loudly, glaring over.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian quietly, not wanting to start something.

 

He handed the now autographed programme back to the child who ran off to join what Sebastian realised must be his family stood over in the distance. Seb glanced to his side where the couple had been, but they were gone. He turned back to Jess and puffed a breath.

Jess took his arm and pulled them on their way.

“Are you okay?” she checked.

“Mm, I guess.”

She squeezed Sebastian's arm a little as they walked along, knowing that meant 'no not really'.

 

 

 

Arriving back at the hotel Jessica suggested getting a drink while they waited for their boys to come back, but Seb turned her down in favour of going back to his room.

He crashed down on the bed and pressed his face into the pillow. Seb knew it was wrong to let one horrible little incident spoil his evening but it was hard not to. How could someone feel they had the right to do something like that? Just casually insult him to his face. It was so unfair because there was nothing Sebastian could do back. It wasn't as if he could get into a slanging match with a fan in the street. That would be the fastest way to get all that bad publicity that Porsche were so afraid of.

 

Seb heard the door open and slowly turned onto his front to see Mark walking in.

Mark sat down on the bed by him and leant in to give him a kiss.

“Hey, you okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian frowned up at him.

“Jessy texted Jenson as we were on our way back,” explained Mark.

He reached down and stroked Seb's hair and Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment, feeling the comfort of it while he pulled himself together. He sat up and Mark gave him a hug.

“It's stupid to be upset by it,” Seb mumbled into Mark's shoulder.

“No it's not,” countered Mark.

He gave Seb a tighter squeeze before they moved apart.

“It's not stupid to be upset by it. I'm upset by it,” insisted Mark.

 

Mark shook his head.

“It's a good thing Jess didn't give a better description of the bastard or I'd have gone looking for him.”

Sebastian gave him a look.

“You wouldn't?”

Mark let out a huff.

“I think I might have.”

Seb slid his hand into Mark's.

“I don't think that would have been a very good idea,” Seb noted.

“Yeah, well. Guess it was a good job it was you not me. I'd probably have been tempted to deck the piece of shit,” expounded Mark angrily.

Seb just shrugged, knowing he hadn't done much in response to the incident.

 

Mark suddenly felt terrible realising what he had said.

“Oh hell, I don't mean that. I'm not glad it was you. That's not what I meant.”

“I know. It's okay,” calmed Sebastian.

He gave Mark's hand a squeeze to let him know he understood.

Mark huffed another long breath and shook his head again knowing his mouth could run away with him when he was upset.

“I meant you handle things well. I didn't mean I wanted you to have to face that sort of thing.”

Sebastian managed a smile seeing Mark stumbling about, trying to apologise.

“It's fine Mark. I know you didn't mean that.”

 

Mark took another deep breath. Sometimes it felt like every day was a battle for them. He pulled Seb in for another long hug.

So much of this was falling on Seb and he was doing so well handling it all. He never snapped and lost his temper making things worse. Sebastian hardly let on at all in public what a strain this was on him. Mark suspected he was the only one who had any idea how much it really hurt Seb inside. And now this on top of everything else. It wasn't fair.

 

As they sat apart Sebastian felt improved by the physical contact. Mark always did that for him; even the smallest touch of his hand gave him a lift, but whenever Mark held him like that he always felt a thousand times better.

“I meant I wish it hadn't happened at all,” continued Mark.

Sebastian almost laughed.

“ _Mark,_ it's okay. I get it. I'm alright now. It was just a horrid moment. We can't let arseholes like that get to us can we? That's how they win.”

Mark finally smiled at him, impressed with his attitude.

“Damn right.”

He rubbed Seb's arm reassuringly.

 

Mark decided to push past the incident to try to improve their mood.

“Right then. There's that table we booked waiting for us downstairs to grab a quick dinner.”

“Okay.”

“Unless you'd rather get room service?”

Mark wondered if Seb hadn't been put off society this evening.

Seb shook his head.

“No it's fine.”

 

 

He pushed himself up off the bed and collected a jumper to put on. Sebastian had meant what he had said; they couldn't let people like that change their behaviour or they would be giving in. He just had to toughen up.

 

As they headed out to walk along the corridor Mark took Seb's hand. He hated that something so horrible had happened to Sebastian, especially when he wasn't around. Despite Seb's stoic response, Mark was sure that it had upset him. Seb was quite capable of putting up a tough front and coping, but Mark knew how sensitive he was. Whoever that man was, Mark thought he was no kind of man at all. He was a worthless, obnoxious, prejudiced piece of shit unfit to soil Sebastian's shoe.

Seb squeezed his hand and smiled at Mark as they stood together in the lift and Mark smiled back at him. Time to put the matter from his mind and concentrate on the important thing, which was making the most of their time off together. As the lift doors opened to the lobby Mark considered letting go of Seb's hand, but changed his mind. Fuck the world if they couldn't deal with it. This wasn't the track, this was their own time. It would be a brave soul who told Mark otherwise tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian woke in the middle of night. At first he wasn't sure why, but then he felt Mark fidgeting next to him. He lifted up a little bit and tried to look over in the dark.

“You awake?” Seb asked quietly, unsure if Mark was just moving about in his sleep.

“Hmmm,” sighed Mark.

 

Seb turned on his side to face him. He reached his hand over to rest on Mark's arm.

“What's the matter?” he checked.

Mark huffed and sat up a little.

“Can't sleep,” Mark complained.

Sebastian turned back to press the button on his phone on the nightstand by him; 2.23am. He moved to sit up by Mark.

“Why not?”

Seb knew how important sleep was before a race, but before a _twenty-four hour race_ when Mark would be racing in shifts with little time for sleep in-between it was essential.

 

Mark shrugged.

“Don't know.”

Sebastian tried to look over but the light was so low that he could barely make out Mark's form, never mind his expression. He didn't want to put the light on and wake Mark further.

“You need to sleep,” reminded Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I know.”

He sighed. “Pffff, my brain won't switch off. The more I think I need to get to sleep the more awake my brain gets worrying that I'm not sleeping.”

“Well that won't do.”

 

Seb leant into Mark's side and tried stroking his arm.

“Anything I can do to help?” Sebastian wondered.

Mark didn't answer and Seb tried again.

“You know, anything at all?”

He moved his hand from Mark's arm and onto his chest before trailing it suggestively lower.

 

Mark laughed again as he turned further towards Sebastian.

“Don't think I don't appreciate the sentiment mate, but I just want some kip.”

“Ah.”

Sebastian returned his hand to a higher position and leaned further into Mark to rest his head on his shoulder, wondering what he could do to help.

Mark leant his head against Seb's, grateful that he was there, but no nearer to turning his mind off to get that much needed rest.

“You need to sleep Mark,” insisted Sebastian quietly.

He sat up a little.

“Do you want to a least lie down properly?”

Mark sighed again.

“Are you worrying about the race?” inquired Sebastian.

Mark tipped his head backwards.

“A bit. I don't know. I just can't stop running over things in my mind. I just need it to settle down,” he admitted.

“There's nothing you can do about anything now,” recognised Seb.

“I know,” Mark sighed.

 

Seb tried to think what he did when he couldn't sleep. Mostly it involved Mark calming him down and making him feel happy and secure. He wondered how that could translate for Mark. He hesitated before suggesting something.

“Do you want to...”

He stopped, feeling a little silly.

“What?”

Seb leaned in closer.

“It'll sound stupid.”

In the dark Mark frowned over at him.

“No it won't. What is it?”

He felt Sebastian give a little shrug.

“When I don't feel right, or I don't know, for whatever reason, it always feels nice to lie against you...”

Sebastian paused again wondering if Mark would think him odd for confessing this.

“...I can hear your heart beating, and it always makes me feel settled.”

 

He wasn't sure whether to wish that the light was on so he could see Mark's expression at hearing this, or if it was better to hide the pink cheeks he knew he must have at admitting something he was sure must sound strange to Mark.

What Seb was missing was Mark smiling at him as he thought how sweet Sebastian was. Mark knew he liked to lie that way with him but he'd never really thought about Seb listening to his heart. It made perfect sense of course.

 

Mark slid his arm behind Sebastian and pulled him closer.

“It's not silly,” he reassured.

“No?”

Mark gave a tiny laugh.

“No. Not at all. It's nice.”

“Do you want to try it then?” wondered Sebastian.

“Okay,” whispered Mark.

 

They shifted to lie down and Mark shuffled down so he could rest his head on Sebastian's chest, turning his head to sit above Seb's heart so he could hear it.

It felt a little strange for both of them, but in the circumstances anything was worth a go.

“Alright?” checked Sebastian.

“Mm, yeah,” replied Mark.

“Okay, so shut out everything else and just listen,” Seb instructed.

Mark closed his eyes and did just that. Sebastian's heartbeat filled his head; regular, steady, strong. It was comforting. He understood what Seb meant.

Normally Sebastian lying against him was comfort enough, but he needed more help tonight.

 

Seb rested his hand on Mark's shoulder and gently stroked his thumb back and forth repetitively. It did feel a little strange to be this way, but if it worked for him surely it would work for Mark?

“Better?”

“Mmm,” rumbled Mark, sounding much more relaxed.

“Good.”

They settled into breathing together, eyes closed.

“It always makes me feel better. Always has... _Always_...” breathed Sebastian.

 

His hand gradually slowed stroking against Mark as Seb drifted off, but Mark was already gone, hypnotised by Seb's rhythmic beat and gentle care into that much needed deep sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood around waiting as yet more publicity calls went on prior to the race. The Le Mans PR team were trying to organise a photo-call on the start line and from Seb's viewpoint by the pitlane wall the task looked like trying to get cats on parade.

Mark was chatting to Jenson by his side and looked happy and relaxed which made Sebastian feel more relaxed too. He was glad Mark had finally managed to get to sleep last night. Today was a stupidly long day with the early start to get the last warm-up runs in before seemingly endless PR duties and media work as well as running through things with the team.

 

Jess had apparently decided to have a lie-in and hadn't even come to the track until lunchtime and Seb was starting to think that she might have had the right idea as he hadn't even seen that much of Mark all day. Still that was his allotted role this weekend and he had accepted it. Hanging out in Mark's room, Sebastian had actually found himself choosing to go over some of the notes that Christian had emailed over to him for the following weekend. It was a bit hard to read on the small screen of his phone, but at least it kept him busy and took his mind off what was going to happen in this race.

 

Every time Sebastian had chance to see Mark he tried to keep things light and they had barely spoken about the importance of getting a good result. They both knew the score, so why labour the point?

Just half an hour ago they had been stood in Mark's room taking their last proper moment alone together. Seb had said every encouraging thing he could think of, wondering what the right thing was to say to put Mark in the correct frame of mind. He didn't realise that Mark cared less what he actually said and more about the fact that he was saying anything at all, indeed that he was there at all. He had given Mark a kiss before wrapping his arms around his body to hold him tight for as long as possible before Mark admitted that he really did have to go.

 

 

 

Mark smiled for the camera and then laughed as Jenson whispered in his ear that he had been tempted to pose with his hand on Mark's leg just to wind the over-sensitive board up. Not such a good idea Mark knew, but at least Jenson thought the whole thing ridiculous. He looked to the side trying to spy Sebastian who he knew was watching proceedings from the pitwall somewhere and finally spotted him and gave a wave as things broke up. Seb waved back and Mark didn't even realise how wide his smile was in return until he saw Jenson grinning at him.

“Shut up.”

Jenson laughed.

“Hey, I didn't say anything.”

Mark shook his head.

“Never thought I'd see the day,” continued Jenson in an amused tone. “You really are a big softie,” he teased.

Mark rolled his eyes. Like Jenson wasn't happy to have Jess here.

 

 

They fought their way through the chaos of the grid. Jenson got to his car and Mark gave him a good luck hug and stopped off to wish the same to Timo in their car in the number four slot. By the time he made it back to the garage Sebastian was already right at the back stood with Jessica, hooked up with headphones and within sight of one of the TV screens ready to watch the off.

Mark only had chance to say a quick hello before he was back over with the team going over a few last details ready for the start. Seb knew not to be offended. Mark had already explained that he was going to need to spend his time with the engineers at the beginning before his stint in the car in order to be fully prepared and understand how things were going. Today was going to be a very long day indeed.

 

 

 

The TV showed the grid clearing of the masses of team personnel, officials and hangers-on, leaving the cars alone on the tarmac, finally properly on display. Seb was impressed at the sheer number and the variety of them. Le Mans really was crazy in many ways. It was so very different from formula one. All the different types of cars, professional and amateur drivers all with different capabilities.

Mark had talked last year of the challenge that came from not always knowing what to expect from those around you; how fast a car might be able to go and how good a driver was behind the wheel when you might never have encountered them before. And all this before you added in the fact that it was a twenty-four hour race with the additional ever-changing risk of rain and wind or bright sunlight causing further problems. How Mark managed it was a mystery to Sebastian. He didn't think he was that likely to move into Endurance racing when he eventually retired from F1. The challenge was exciting, but the lack of control you had over what happened slightly unnerved Seb.

He pushed that out of his mind and refocussed on the cars coming round the bend ready to take the waved tricolour flag signifying the start of the greatest and most daunting of races. The atmosphere really was incredible. Here in the garage there was a was a tangible tension in the air and they could hear the engines as the cars passed and the cheer of the crowd. All this endless build up and Le Mans twenty-four hour race was _finally_ underway.

 

 

 

A few laps in and Mark was smiling as Timo made a neat move around the bend at Arnage and got past the Toyota he had been trailing for a while now. Nice move. Jenson was holding first for now but the LMP1 cars at the front were fairly tightly bunched up. The unfortunate Audi from qualifying had been very efficiently rebuilt and Mark was reminded once again how he had learnt last year that the mechanics in Endurance racing were capable of miracles.

The Audi had fought up from the back and was now challenging Nico in the third Porsche. They had suffered a disappointing qualifying and Mark knew that he would be desperate to make up for it in the race.

Lap after lap the Audi and the third Porsche were battling. The Porsche just about maintaining it's position as they neared the one hour mark, but then as they entered the Ford chicane before the pit-straight the Audi snatched the inside line and catapulted in front.

 

Sebastian felt the whole garage sigh as the position was lost, but that was nothing to the groan that went up only minutes later when Nico pushed too hard trying to re-take the place and coming into Indianapolis mistimed an attempt to sneak underneath the Audi, crashed into its side and took the two of them off in a mess of shattered bodywork and smoking tyres.

Seb found himself looking over to Mark and received a shook head and a sigh in response. Le Mans was a long race and Nico had just chucked it away pretty much right at the start. Thankfully both drivers climbed out of their wrecked cars apparently unhurt and Audi driver Duval was clearly together enough to take a moment to remonstrate with Hulkenburg while they made their way to the side.

 

Mark heard the radio transmits and kept his face composed. Nico was a good driver but he had a lot to learn about Endurance racing. Patience was as much a virtue as speed in this game and because he had forgotten that Porsche were now down to two cars.

After an obligatory medical once over, Nico was back in the garage, apologising to the team and looking over the destroyed car that had been hauled back to sit ignominiously in the garage. Mark went over and sympathised. Nico had made a mistake, but he was paying for it. They were all equally capable to doing the same thing and Mark reminded himself to play the long game when he got his moment.

 

 

 

 

Hours passed. Sebastian sat listening to the radio calls and watched the screen as the cars went round, lap after lap. For now things were holding in place and the only excitement to be found was when the cars came in for their pit-stops. Jess leaned into his side and whispered that she would be glad when Jenson got swapped out so she could go and get a proper coffee without looking disloyal.

With disaster hitting the team already, Porsche had decided to mix up their strategy for the two remaining cars, so Jenson was called in while Timo was left for a longer run. Only two hours in and he was back in the garage, but he had pushed harder on his in-laps as his engineer explained their plan and managed to build a decent gap to protect his lead for when his team-mate took over.

 

Back in the garage Jenson debriefed with his engineers and spoke with Mark before heading over to see Jess.

“I'll be back in the seat in a few hours so I'm just going to get a coffee and a walk to keep me fresh. Do you want to come with us Seb?”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian looked over from the screen.

“Do you fancy a break?” reiterated Jessica.

“Oh, umm...”

 

Seb looked over to Mark and caught his eye. He tried mouthing something and indicated with his head to check with Mark that he wouldn't mind if he skipped out for a bit. Mark smiled a nodded that it was fine with him. Sebastian got up pulled off his radio headset and stretched, realising that he really did need a break. He was getting a numb behind from sitting on those little folding chairs for too long. A coffee and a walk sounded like an excellent idea. He only felt bad that Mark clearly wasn't planning on coming with them as he was paying close attention to what was happening in the race.

 

 

 

The long stints the #17 was trying meant that it was nearly four hours before Mark headed out back to fetch his helmet and get set ready to jump into the car. Seb followed him, and out of sight of the cameras that lurked near the entrance of the garage regularly homing in on them, he took the opportunity to give Mark a hug and wish him luck once again.

“You're going to go great. I'm sure of it,” stated Seb as he let go of Mark.

Mark smiled back.

“Thanks. Let's hope so. I don't think they'll be too impressed if I bin it like Nico did.”

 

Seb pulled a little face back, not wishing to think about that and Mark took a quick glance about to check that they were out of sight and snuck a quick kiss on his cheek.

“Don't worry. I've no plans to crash alright?”

Seb nodded, knowing it was futile to point out that very few people actually _did_ plan to crash.

 

“Okay, well I'm going to be on a long run here, maybe four hours or so. If you get bored or tired or whatever I won't be offended if you head back to my room.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'll be here. I did think about maybe going out to the side of the track later to get a look at the cars running. If you don't mind?”

“Mind? Course not. Good idea. These beauties look pretty awesome up close,” responded Mark.

“Okay, well just to stretch my legs a bit maybe. I'll still be watching you and I'll be here for the rest though, okay?” reassured Sebastian.

“Glad to hear it. I'll keep my eyes open for you by the fence and give you a wave as I pass.”

Seb opened his mouth before he saw the teasing in Mark's eyes and shook his head. As if Mark would be doing anything other than concentrating on the job in hand?

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later Sebastian was taking a last look at the screen above him before pulling off his headphones and tapping Jess on the arm to ask if she fancied going with him, only to be declined.

“Jense will be back in the car soon, so I'd rather not.”

“Oh okay. See you in a bit then. Save my seat,” joked Seb.

He headed back and pulled on his coat and cap before making his way out.

 

 

 

Sebastian walked along the edge of the track, his cap pulled low and avoiding eye-contact with the fans he passed. After yesterday's incident he really didn't want to risk any more encounters with potentially unfriendly members of the crowd. Thankfully everyone seemed too intent on watching the action on track to pay much attention to another fan passing by looking for a good spot. He trekked round to the Dunlop Curve and finding that and the Chicane too busy, made his way to the embankment at the Esses, pleased to find that there was quite a good view from here. It was well-populated, but going just a bit further on to the trees Sebastian found himself a place where he actually had a clear view of the cars.

The sun was starting to go down and Seb remembered how impressed he had been to watch this on television last year. It seemed like _such_ a long time ago.

Back then he had been supporting Mark, but they hadn't been a couple. Quite why that was when it was so obvious looking back that they were meant to be together was a mystery. Despite everything they were going through Seb knew he wouldn't turn back the clock, not for a moment.

 

With the sun sinking, the lights on the cars flashed by, creating a captivating vision on the track and Sebastian realised why everyone went on about how important it was to see them in real life. With the sun setting, the cars seemed to glow and appeared as if they were something that had been beamed in from the future as they raced by. It really was a beautiful sight.

Seb spotted the #17 Porsche and excitedly waved, before stopping, realising how childish he was being. He shook his head at himself and hoped no one had noticed him do that. Mark was bound to take the piss when he told him. The cars were going far too fast to see the crowd, even if Mark had had any idea whereabouts on the track Sebastian was watching him.

 

 

Seb stayed for another few minutes watching the cars go by, before deciding to turn around and walk back. It was nice to get some fresh air and see the race for real rather than on a television screen, but out on track Sebastian had no way of properly following what was going on and he wanted to get back to the garage to make sure that he wasn't missing anything important.

 

As he walked along Seb took a little time to appreciate how wonderful it all looked in the half-light. He stopped again at the Chicane, just managing to catch a couple of the GT cars squabbling over the same few square feet of asphalt. A moment later they came a cropper, smashing into the barriers right near him, causing Seb to flinch and draw back as the rest of the crowd rushed forward to see what had happened. He hoped that they were okay, but a selfish part of him was glad that he had timed his outing well as the safety car came out and the race paused as the cars were forced to trail behind it.

 

 

 

Approaching the paddock, Sebastian looked over at the lit-up ferris wheel and wondered at how people spent their time. It crossed his mind that you might actually get a pretty good view from the top of that, but he wasn't about to go up. It oddly reminded him of Suzuka with all it's fairground rides close to the track. Seb thought that watching cars racing was exciting enough, but each to their own.

 

As he got back to the garage he resumed his seat and Jessica pulled off her headphones for a moment to update him, letting him know that there had been a crash.

“Yeah I know. I saw it happen right in front of me,” recounted Sebastian.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Hell of a bang. Are they okay?”

Jess nodded.

“Seems so. They walked away at any rate. The barrier's damaged though so I think it'll be a while before they get going again. I might grab a coffee. Want one?”

 

Sebastian nodded and settled back. As Jessica returned and handed him the steaming paper cup, Seb pointed up at the screen and spoke quietly.

“Have you noticed how much darker it is on the far side of the track?”

Jessica looked up, but the screen was showing the safety car again.

“No, why?”

“It's clear this side, but over there it's clouded over,” explained Seb.

He hadn't noticed on his little excursion, so either he had been paying too much attention to the cars, or it had come in fast, but it was still just about light enough to see that the conditions had changed.

“I think it might rain,” suggested Sebastian.

 

The pair of them leant sideways to try to get a glimpse of the radar screen that the engineers would be keeping an eye on, but it was too far over. It felt rude to go over to have a proper look, so for now all they could do was wait and see.

Jess pulled a face.

“Not good timing if it does,” she noted.

Sebastian shook his head. Not good timing at all. If it rained just as it was getting dark and even worse, if it only rained on _part_ of the track, which given its size was eminently feasible, that was going to provide horrendous conditions for the drivers to cope with, just as they were trying to adapt to the changing light.

 

 

Another hour passed and it was night by the time racing was back on. Jenson was in the car for another short run so they could keep pushing to protect their lead before taking it a little more steady through the night. There had been no sign of that rain Seb had predicted and he was just beginning to wonder if he had got it wrong, or if the wind had blown the clouds in the opposite direction when there was a sudden flurry of activity on the radio.

You couldn't see it on the darkened screens above them, but over on the Mulsanne Straight, word was coming in that it was suddenly pouring with rain.

 

 

 

Mark cautiously slowed before he reached the corner, not sure how his brakes were going to react to the wet track. Bloody typical. It had been dry all week so they had no running in damp conditions to prepare for this. He was on worn slicks and a long way into what felt like a very long stint, already twice that of a formula one race.

The Toyota in front skidded on the white line at the tight bend before pulling it back and that woke up Mark in a hurry. Full concentration required, no time for taking any risks, just hold position and keep the car on the road.

 

Coming back around to the start straight Mark was amazed to find it fully dry. It was clearly only raining over part of the track, so he reported as much on the radio and listened in as a heated debate started up over whether to pull both cars in to swap onto intermediate tyres.

Taking another lap round Mark fed back that he thought he could hold it as long as the field ran cautiously and was informed that Jenson had intimated the same thing from in front. He just had to keep the car on track and wait to see if the weather worsened.

 

Normally the long run along Mulsanne was where you could get the full speed out of the car, but Mark was holding back, despite knowing he was losing time to drivers taking a less sanguine approach. On the radio he was told that the Audi was gaining on him and at the front Jenson was likewise being pushed by one of the Toyotas who smelt an opportunity.

He could see the chasing car in his rear mirrors now, but he knew he had to be sensible. There was every chance that the Audi was pushing him with the very intention of encouraging him to make a mistake. If he crashed out now Mark would be throwing away their much needed third position. If he dropped to fourth it wasn't great, but once the weather improved he would have a chance to take it back. Mark put his faith in the car and maintained his speed, hoping that the Audi might reconsider once the driver realised the risk wasn't worth it in these conditions. No way of knowing but to wait and see.

 

 

 

 

Back in the garage Sebastian sat higher in his seat listening to the drama playing out on the radio. He could hear the tightness in Mark's voice and knew he was worried. Seb wished he could get on the radio and reassure Mark that he was taking the sensible course. At the head of the field Jenson was responding to the pressure by picking up his speed the minute he hit dry track, but Seb could see how anxious Jess looked as she tried to make out the car on the dark screen above them.

 

 

Unfortunately the Toyota pressing Jenson was copying him move for move and for all his attempts to keep a good lead, the gap was getting smaller. Running in the lead meant that the pressure was even greater than that on Mark and Seb knew Jenson wouldn't want to give it up.

 

They could follow what was happening on the track easily enough through the floodlit parts, but the track was so big that large parts of it lay in darkness and all you could see on the television was the headlights of cars and the occasional onboard footage that was labelled to let you know which car it was coming from. Now it was properly night-time it was very difficult to keep up with all that was happening on track.

 

 

Just as the rain was apparently laying off the cameras providing the coverage swivelled round to show something had happened. There was a slew of lights and shouting on the radio followed by a horrible silence.

There had been a crash.

 

The TV replayed what it had, but it wasn't much; two cars colliding and spinning helplessly on track. Then it rapidly cut back to the live feed and Sebastian's heart sank to see pandemonium unfolding as a bunch of GT cars came up on the accident apparently unawares and ran into the back of them. One of the cars was rammed into the barrier and the other was terrifyingly shunted upwards before landing on its side.

The screen was so dark that Seb couldn't even tell what part of the track they were on, but as more cars passed by the headlights lit up the crashed cars and suddenly Jessica grabbed his hand.

The smashed LMP1 car on its side was a Porsche.

 

 

Seb stood up, pointlessly trying to get closer to the screen to try to make out which car it was. Jess was by his side, still hanging on to him and they were both listening to the radio as the pitwall frantically asked if the drivers were okay.

There was a silence that seemed to last an eternity and Seb closed his eyes for a moment. The angle the car had landed at meant that it was impossible to see which number it was and Sebastian felt appalling as he realised that wishing it wasn't Mark meant that in effect he was hoping it was Jenson. He felt sick.

 

A voice crackled through on the radio and Seb knew right away that it was Mark.

“Is Jenson okay?” asked Mark, the anxiety undisguised in his voice.

“We're not sure yet,” came the cautious reply.

 

Sebastian let his head drop. Mark was okay. It wasn't Mark that had crashed. He couldn't help relief flowing through his body, but then he turned to Jessica by his side. Her face was frozen in fear.

“He'll be okay. Jess, don't panic okay?”

Seb turned into her line of view as she stared at the screen showing the safety car coming out and marshals at the scene of the accident. The drivers from the GT cars seemed to be out of their cars, but neither Jenson nor whoever was driving the Toyota had shown any sign of movement.

Seb desperately pushed aside the knowledge of Le Mans history even in recent years of bad crashes with drivers badly hurt and even worse, killed. He reached up and pulled one ear of the headphones off Jessica to make sure that she could hear him.

“Jessy I'm sure he's alright. They build the monocoques really strong and he's protected in there,” Sebastian explained, trying to sound calmer than he felt.

“Why isn't he saying anything?” Jess's voice sounded higher than usual under the strain of worry.

“The radio might be broken. He might be in a bit of shock...”

 

Sebastian thought about what had happened before to him in crashes and knew these to be true.

“Why isn't he getting out?”

Jess turned her face fully to Sebastian, plainly hoping he could tell her something positive.

“The door might be stuck. The angle of the car... I don't know. There's people there. They'll help him. It's okay.”

 

Jessica looked back at the screen to watch the marshals trying to sort things out and a recovery vehicle approaching. The radio informed them that the medical car had been sent out and Seb felt worse than ever, worrying that he had brought this on Jenson by wishing it was him and not Mark. The silence was far too long.

He squeezed Jessica's hand and prayed with all his heart that Jenson was okay and that they would see him safely out of the car in a moment. No one from the team had come over as they were all too busy watching the screens themselves or pouring over data trying to work out what had happened.

 

Mark came back on the radio asking for updates and got the same answer that they were waiting. Seb couldn't help but be reassured to hear his voice. Poor Jess. In her place he knew he would be in pieces waiting to see if Mark was safe.

Another few minutes passed while the car was righted. The driver of the Toyota was out of his car and Seb realised it was Buemi. Once upon a time he had taken Sebastian's seat at Toro Rosso when he had moved up to RedBull's lead team. Motorsport was a small world and Seb was glad to see that he seemed alright, even though he was getting a once-over from the medical team.

 

With the Porsche now back properly on the ground the marshals were leaning over it and with the temporary floodlights erected to help them work Seb could see the damage to the car; the whole right hand side was wiped out and the back end crumpled up on itself.

“It's okay Jess. That's what it's designed to do,” he explained. “The outside takes the impact and diffuses the energy to protect the cell.”

 

Sebastian wasn't even quite sure how he was saying all this but he knew it to be true and hoped it was helping just a little bit.

Both he and Jessica stopped breathing as there was a movement and suddenly the door popped open and Jenson was being helped out of the car.

Jess let go of his hand and dropped down onto the seat next to him and Seb joined her.

“He's fine. Look.”

Seb pointed up at the screen as Jenson managed a wave to the camera before being lead away to be checked over. He couldn't see any injuries on him, but that had been a serious multiple crash. Sebastian was grateful that Jenson must have waited a moment after the first crash before trying to get out of the car. If he had been doing that when the other car crashed into him the consequences didn't bare thinking about.

 

A minute or two passed and finally Andreas appeared at their side. He dipped down by Jessica.

“Hey, how're you doing?” he checked.

Jessica shook her head, uninterested in pleasantries.

“How is he?” she asked.

“Looks fine. They want to take him back for a proper check up at the med centre,” explained Andreas calmly.

Jess frowned and Andreas continued, realising that she needed to hear the full truth.

“He's a bit banged up and dizzy, but nothing to worry too much about. Could have been a lot worse.”

 

Sebastian looked over, not sure that adding the last part was strictly helpful.

“Someone's going to come and take you over to meet him at the medical centre,” expanded Andreas, getting a nod from Jess in reply before she let out a mostly relieved sigh.

“Seb you alright?” checked Andreas, seeing the stress written on both their faces.

“Hmm, yeah fine,” responded Sebastian.

In truth he was feeling a little shaken up too. That demonstration of the dangers of racing was a horrible reminder of what could happen at any moment. You could never relax until the race was over and Seb knew that there was still another sixteen hours left to run. Endurance really was the right word.

“Last man standing now,” noted Andreas to Seb as he got up.

Seb could only nod back. Mark's car was now the sole Porsche running and the pressure was all the greater. As it it hadn't been bad enough to being with.

 

A representative of the team came over to lead Jessica away and Seb gave her a tight hug and watched her walking out of the garage. Jenson would be alright. Any crash you walked away from was a minor victory. Seb closed his eyes just for a moment to be thankful for the increased safety of cars these days. Andreas was actually right; that could have been far worse.

Sebastian settled back to watch the race pick back up as the cars were cleared away and the safety car came back in feeling more alone now Jess was gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It had taken Mark several minutes after the crash to appreciate that with the two cars in front now out of the race he was in the lead. He couldn't feel much sense of achievement in the circumstances and instead asked for a proper update on Jenson when he had been checked at the medical centre and refocussed on seeing what the track was like now that it had stopped raining.

Once safety car went back in and the race was back on he ran steady for several laps, managing to pull a slight gap on the Audi behind him as the track dried slightly. Mark was just testing the limits a little when the darkness fooled him into taking too wide a line and before he knew it the car spun off the hazardous damp white paint and the car was spinning onto run-off.

 

 

In the garage Seb took a sharp inhale and then sank his head into his hands. This couldn't happen. Porsche couldn't have all three cars out before it was even midnight?

He looked back up and puffed out a breath to see Mark recover the spin and get the car back on track.

Okay, okay, at least he was safe, that was the main thing. And at least he was still running, that was pretty damn important too.

 

 

Mark pushed aside his annoyance at seeing the Audi and several other cars sail past him and concentrated on getting the car back facing the right way and timing getting back on track without one of the Am cars slamming into him when they weren't looking.

 

 

 

 

 

Ten minutes later Mark was back in the garage. The team had pulled him out and slotted Brendon in place.

He wanted to argue that it wasn't because he was tired, but the cold tyres after running the safety car that had caused the spin, but there was no point. The stress levels in the team were palpably higher now that they were down to one car. They needed to make this race a success and now two thirds of their cars were out and they had just lost the lead twice in the space of an hour.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian walked along the paddock by Mark's side, wondering what to say to him to cheer him up. Mark had barely spoken to him as he had come over and indicated that they were leaving.

“Are you okay?” Seb tried.

Mark shrugged.

“Not great to be honest mate, sorry.”

Mark knew he was sulking as a result of his foul up. He didn't want to take it out on Sebastian.

 

Seb looked about and thought that the paddock was sufficiently quiet at this time of night and took Mark's arm, relieved when Mark didn't reject the gesture.

“I'm just glad you're okay. You've no idea how frightening that crash was,” Seb explained.

Mark turned to look him and huffed a breath. It was so nice to feel Sebastian holding on to him like this and walk along like normal. Sod the board, he needed this. There were no cameras around here and people were far more interested in what was going on in the race if they were willing to be about at this time.

“Yeah mate, that was a scary one. Jense is gonna be fine though.”

Seb nodded. “I know.”

The report had come through that Jenson had a mild concussion and a few bruises, but other than that he was passed as fit. It was the first thing Mark had asked on getting out of the car.

 

“It's just, we couldn't see which car it was, in the crash,” Sebastian recalled.

He bit his lip as he looked up at Mark.

“I thought it was you.”

Seb's voice wobbled and Mark felt awful.

“Shit. Oh Seb I didn't realise.”

 

Mark moved his arm to place it over Sebastian's shoulder as they walked along, pulling him in tighter.

“I should have got on the radio quicker. I'm sorry. I was trying to see my way through the mess on track,” Mark recounted.

“It's okay. I just feel bad. Like I wished it on Jenson,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark shook his head. “No mate, that's not how it works. It's okay to be glad it wasn't me. I'm glad it wasn't me. That doesn't make us glad it was JB, alright?”

 

Mark looked over at Seb as they walked and got a small nod in response. He puffed out a breath and gave Sebastian a squeeze.

Nearly back at base now. For all that Mark claimed not to be tired, he was looking forward to a lie down.

They separated before entering the temporary building. No point in asking for trouble from Porsche when all they wanted was a bit of peace.

 

 

 

 

Once in his room Mark peeled off his race gear and jumped in the shower trying to wash away his frustration. Three damn places he'd lost from ignoring the best bit of racing advice he had ever had; Just keep it on the black stuff. Wise words. Thank god the car was at least still going and he had a chance to redeem himself in a few hours.

 

Seb had offered to sleep on the floor so Mark could get a proper rest, but Mark laughed it off.

“No chance mate. We'll make do. Can't sleep properly without you anyway.”

 

Sebastian nodded and they squashed themselves into the little bed together to try to get a few hours sleep, both of them setting alarms on their phones so that the team didn't have to send someone to fetch Mark.

They shuffled about, trying to find a position that worked, Mark leaned his back up against the wall, one arm under Seb, one around his waist to hold him in.

“How's that?” asked Sebastian looking at Mark in the dim light from barely an inch away.

“Hang on.”

Mark shifted around a bit so that he was resting back more and pulled Seb further over so that he rested his head on his shoulder without crushing his arm.

“There, that's better. Yeah?”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb.

He put his arm back around Mark's middle to feel a bit more secure.

 

Mark relaxed and sighed out a breath.

“Sorry I'm being a moody arse.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You're not. It's fine.”

“I'm just annoyed. I know it's a rotten way to get the lead, but now we're back in fourth again. I just threw it away,” Mark explained in a tired voice.

“Rough conditions. You just caught a line on a dark corner Mark. It's understandable,” Seb countered.

“Not sure the team see it that way,” griped Mark.

“I'm sure they're very glad you saved the spin and got the car back on track. It's their fault for not putting you on inters.”

“Hmm,” Mark rumbled.

 

Seb stroked his hand along Mark's side.

“It could have been so much worse.”

He couldn't stop thinking about the crash Mark could have repeated. When he span off track Sebastian's heart had almost stopped.

 

“I was so scared,” Seb admitted.

Mark pulled him in tighter and kissed Sebastian's forehead.

“It's okay mate, I know.”

He thought about how stressful it must be for Seb watching the race from the garage, and how worried he had been when Seb had crashed in Monaco. Mark shook his head internally. At least Sebastian had been sensible enough not to dash over and throw himself at him the moment Mark got out of the car. Not that Mark thought Seb would have done that even without the team's warning, but at least he would have given him a hug. He could have used that hug.

Mark was pretty sure no one important would have picked up them walking back here so closely. A few people had been around, but they could see and say what they liked, the world knew that they were together now, there was nothing earth-shattering that they could report.

 

A thought crossed his mind that made him forget about the strain of where they were and in the darkness Mark smiled.

“You know what this reminds me of?”

“Hmm? Oh.”

Seb smiled too. He knew.

“We'll have to try not to fall out this time,” reminded Mark.

 

He let out another sigh, releasing the stress balled up inside him as Mark concentrated on the way Sebastian felt pressed into him in this tiny little bed. Just like Christmas. Only completely different. They had come such a long way and for all that things were difficult, Mark knew how fortunate he was.

 

“Don't let go of me, will you?” requested Seb quietly.

“No mate. Never.”

Mark rested his head down into Sebastian's and made sure he had a secure hold of him as they fell into a few precious hours of sleep.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how does it end? As we all know, in motorsport *anything* can happen (and it usually does)...
> 
>  
> 
> (If I've got any of the details wrong here, my apologies, I have to admit, that much like Seb last year I do sometimes drift off a bit whilst watching Le Mans!)


	49. Teamwork – pt 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here we go; the final push...

* * *

 

 

 

It seemed as if they had barely had time to close their eyes before Mark and Sebastian were blearily making their way along the paddock to the Porsche garage in the dark. Seb returned to his seat at the back and Mark was busy getting an update on how things were standing before getting ready to take another stint in the car. He still felt the lack of a normal full night's sleep, but Mark knew that those few hours rest they had achieved were vital to keep his body and mind going through the hours to come.

Over to the side a couple of mechanics were asleep on the hard floor and another few had taken up several chairs to stretch out and Sebastian was reminded how hard they worked and how invested in the team they were. No wonder the result mattered so much to them.

Brendon and Timo had done well and the #20 was back in a solid third place which was good work in the difficult conditions of night running, each taking a shorter graveyard shift as the team hoped to keep them sharper and help them to concentrate better over a shorter period.

 

There was no time for Sebastian to give Mark another encouraging hug before he was away driving in the strange, almost eery pre-dawn light. Mark set off determined to have a safe and steady run. A podium place was worth protecting and he would do that to the best of his ability before seeing how things were looking as the sun came up and the track warmed, allowing them to make a call on whether it was worth the risk to push harder.

The field had definitely thinned overnight. Breakdowns and crashes taking out car after car. Mark was thankful that what the Porsche team might have been lacking in luck they had made up for in reliability. The hybrid engine was both strong and powerful. If Mark could at least get the car to the end in one piece, a podium finish might go a long way to impressing Porsche of his worth.

 

 

As the light improved, his race engineer came on the radio, asking how the car was feeling and Mark reported that it seemed good. They pulled him in for a pitstop and with fresh tyres and plenty of fuel Mark was asked to see what he could do to make the most of the golden hour approaching.

Fully awake now, Mark was planning ahead. One Audi out, one Toyota, and two Porsches. That definitely improved their chances. In front of him was the other Audi and the remaining Toyota led the field with another Audi and both Nissans behind him.

 

Time to see what he could do. Mark pressed on, cutting the lap times to try to gain on the Audi without pushing too hard and endangering the car. He was well aware that there were plenty of tired drivers on track and many of the amateur drivers would be discovering just how tough this race was on both the body and mind as well the machinery underneath them. Mark made extra sure to give any identifiable Am cars a wide berth as he passed them and was thankful none of them did anything stupid around him.

The track was coming to him. As he concentrated on making lap after lap, Mark was informed his times were going down, but the car still felt solid and it didn't seem as though he was over-doing things so he kept pushing, well aware that the team were looking to him to make the most of the opportunity.

 

Closer and closer. Now Mark could actually see the Audi in front. There was an immaculate pink dawn filling the sky, but Mark had no time for it. All he was looking at was the track and the other cars on it.

In touch now. His tyres were fresher and his engineer informed him that the car was being driven by Lotterer who had been at the wheel for several hours. Mark knew he was a decent driver with plenty of experience but he must be tired, and tired drivers made mistakes.

Coming into the Porsche Curves Mark got in tight behind the Audi and watched as Lotterer took the lines just a little wider than he might have done if he was more alert. It meant he had the potential to pose a threat to him, but it also presented an opportunity.

On the last part of the curves Mark pressed in behind and then silently prayed to the racing gods as he hung out over the edge of the track and passed the Audi along the outside.

 

 

 

Back in the garage Seb let out a held breath. That was almost _too_ close. The dirt had shot up as Mark had swung by, but once the move was on the Audi didn't fight it, knowing the only option left was to run the Porsche off the road entirely and that potentially could have resulted in a crash taking them both out. Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment thanking the driver for being intelligent enough to know he was better off living to fight later in the race.

 

“Boom! Second place.”

Seb turned round and saw Jenson stood behind him accompanied by a tired looking Jess.

“Jense. Oh my god. How are you?”

He leapt out of his seat to give him a tight hug, Jenson happily hugging him right back. Neither one of them appreciated the irony of them doing that so naturally when openly showing affection seemed to be frowned upon between Sebastian and Mark.

“Good mate, yeah. Just a little bit of Elvis going on.”

Sebastian frowned at him wondering what on earth he meant by that.

Jenson winked. “All shook up.”

Jessica rolled her eyes.

“Still not funny Jenson.”

 

She sighed and went over to take a seat as Seb joined her, half an eye on the screens to make sure he wasn't missing anything in the race.

“He tried that joke on me at the medical centre earlier,” Jess noted with a shake of the head.

“Hey I think it's pretty funny,” tried Jenson. “Ah well. Maybe that's the concussion talking.”

Seb looked over at Jenson who had taken a place by Jessica.

“You're really alright though aren't you?” Sebastian checked.

“Yeah mate. Fine, just a bounce on the old noggin. Bit knackered, but I'll survive. Sorry for giving you guys a fright.”

Sebastian shook his head dismissing the apology.

“Good to see someone's still in the game,” remarked Jenson as the screen confirmed that the #20 Porsche was now registering in second position.

“Yeah,” nodded Seb before returning his attention to the television.

Still a hell of a long way to go.

 

 

 

 

Shortly before 8am the team pulled Mark in for another stop and Brendon re-took the wheel as they had switched the car onto the alternate strategy of shorter, harder stints trying to make up the earlier loss of time.

Mark knew he had done a decent job and things were looking strong, so after a short debrief he went over to Seb and the others.

“Hey JB, looking good mate,” he greeted.

“Not looking so bad yourself. That was a lovely little job you did,” smiled Jenson.

“Ah well you know,” dismissed Mark. “Does anyone fancy some breakfast? I'm starving.”

 

 

 

 

They walked out through the back of the garage. The moment they were out of sight of any potential danger Mark put an arm around Sebastian.

“You good too?”

Seb smiled over at him.

“Yeah fine. You did great in that run,” he praised.

 

Mark released him as they walked out into the paddock and Sebastian worked hard not to let it bother him. He knew the paddock was much busier now it was light. When a camera had come into the garage to interview Jenson on his return, Seb had found himself shrinking into the background, hoping they didn't want to talk to him. It wasn't as though he wasn't well used to talking to the media, but right now he wasn't in the mood. He tried to excuse it as tiredness, but the truth was he was feeling pretty bruised of late.

 

 

 

 

 

By mid-morning they were back in the garage, revived by the change of scene and a bit of food.

Brendon had been doing a solid run and their second place was clear ahead of the Audi when he reported a strange feeling in the car and every heart in the garage sank. They pulled him in as the car's handling seemed to be going off and the mechanics raced out to check the car over while Timo took the place in the car.

They pulled the car in and found a loose part of bodywork under the rear. Seb watched on impressed as they rapidly secured it back in place before hustling the car back on it's way.

 

Mark went over to join the huddle discussing the car's running and when he returned a while later he quietly reported that there was no indication why the problem should have occurred other than the length of time they had been running. He wasn't sure if the lack of explanation was a positive or negative in truth. Nothing to be done but put it to one side and hope it didn't occur again. They had dropped to third place with the time lost in the pit fixing it and now Timo was having to push to try to regain that time.

He was doing good work though and gaining on the Audi ahead before getting in close and brilliantly taking the position again up the outside of the sharp turn at the end of the Mulsanne Straight. The whole garage was up on their feet applauding. Back in second place.

 

Sebastian caught Mark's eye over on the other side of the garage and smiled at him. He was busy concentrating on that when everyone was suddenly drawn to the TV screens around them; The Toyota way out in front was slowing.

It clearly had a problem and although it managed to limp round to the pitlane, something had to be very wrong. Seb knew that it was wrong to take pleasure in another's misfortune, but it was hard not to. The #20 Porsche was now back in the lead. Incredible.

 

 

Mark ducked a head out of the garage into the pitlane to try to see the Toyota. He wondered if he might be able to tell from the engine sound what the issue was. Not really as it turned out, but it definitely sounded off and as he watched it being wheeled into the garage to be worked on, Mark knew they had a big opportunity to make the most of the change in circumstance.

As he sat back down in the garage, Mark tried not to think of how similar this was to how things had run last year at much the same time. Moments later wished with all his heart he hadn't thought that when Timo came on the radio reporting that something seemed, to quote: 'dodgy' with the car.

 

The tension in the garage rattled up a good many notches as the engineer instructed Timo to hold on and see if the problem went away of it's own accord, but to pay close attention in case they needed to pit.

“No problem,” Timo replied without a trace of irony.

Anything could happen at any time. All the skilled driving, great mechanics, good strategy, and perfectly engineered car weren't enough if luck went against you in this race. After last year they all knew that to be only too true and they'd not fared well on that front so far in this race as a team either.

 

The racing gods seemed to have failed them once more as Timo came back on saying that it was definitely getting worse and they had to call him in while the Toyota was back up and running out on track and the Audi was running in the lead.

 

The mechanics scrambled over the car as it was pulled into the garage, nearly burning hands on the heat coming off the car despite their protective gear. Delving in the engine, two of the mechanics, closely watched over by Andreas and every other member of the team shouted out that they had found the problem and were calling for parts to replace a damaged failed component. Several men were under the car working away at the same section to remove it as others crushed in from the top, working as fast as humanly possibly to replace it safely.

 

 

Sebastian looked over from the corner where he was waiting out of the way and thought about the pressure these guys were under. Screw up now and there would be further delays. Make a mistake by rushing and the new part was likely to cause another failure down the line, possibly at the most crucial moment.

Unbelievably quickly everything was back in place and the car was heading back out into the pitlane. Timo had stayed in the car and was now heading out to try to regain the time lost once again.

 

 

The Toyota was several laps down, but had worked hard to overtake the struggling second Audi. The first Audi was by now way out in front and it was looking as though they were in for another win. Timo was pressing as hard as he dared, but the whole team was anxious, worrying about what could go wrong next.

Mark wasn't immune. He couldn't help feeling that this scenario felt all too familiar. They kept working and working, only for fate to deal them a blow and undo everything they had done.

One hour later he was only just starting to relax a little. No more reports of anything wrong with the car and Timo was making excellent progress eating into the lead. The Toyota was going faster though and had incredibly managed to get back into the same leading lap and it seemed anything could yet happen. Mark got the nod from his team principal and knew he would be up again soon.

He went to get himself ready out the back and Seb copied him.

 

Mark was fiddling with his Hans device and trying to convince himself it wasn't nerves at work.

“Okay?” checked Sebastian.

Mark stopped what he was doing and looked over at him.

“Yeah mate, good.”

He stopped rushing and carefully fixed the device and put his helmet on. Sebastian took account of the number of people around and stopped himself from doing anything more than placing his hand on Mark's arm.

“You've got this, okay. They've fixed the problem. You just need to keep the Toyota behind you. Second would be a great result,” insisted Seb.

Mark nodded. Second would be good. They seemed to keep gravitating towards that place. Less than three hours to go now, that was manageable. He'd give quite a lot for a hug from Seb to set him up right now, but it was much busier than it had been before and he'd probably spend more time worrying about it afterwards so it would have to wait until after the race finished. If he could just keep the car going that long.

 

 

 

An hour later and Sebastian was watching the screen and avidly listening as the radio told Mark how much time he had made up on the Audi and how much time the Toyota had made up on him. He was so caught up in it he didn't notice that the team had allowed a camera and interviewer into the garage once again. They completed interviewing Andreas and then headed over to point the camera at him.

“Sebastian will you talk to us?” asked the interviewer.

Seb hid how much he would really like to say no and stood up to go over to the side of the garage to allow himself to be interviewed. He had no idea if this was what Porsche wanted as Andreas was back doing his job keeping tabs on the action and talking to the engineers.

Sod it, thought Sebastian. He could do this. He'd given more interviews in his life than he could count. If he showed the team and the world that he was just an ordinary part of the background here supporting Mark, surely that had to be a good thing? He steeled himself and smiled at the presenter.

 

“So Sebastian, you are here supporting Mark,” started the reporter.

“Yep,” replied Seb plainly.

“Is this your first trip to Le Mans?”

“Yes it is. I've watched on TV before, but obviously that nothing compared to actually being here,” answered positively and truthfully.

“You're enjoying it then?”

“Yes, well it's pretty tense viewing, but yes it's good.”

“And the team have welcomed you?” tried the reporter.

 

Sebastian hid a sigh. Here we go he thought.

“Absolutely.”

What else could he say?

“This is a fantastic team. I'm very pleased to be here to get a chance to see how well they work.”

“You're impressed then?”

“Very. It's a different challenge to F1 of course and it is fascinating to see how committed everyone is at Porsche.”

“Things are looking good for a podium right now,” suggested the interviewer.

Seb gave a wry smile.

“Long way to go yet, but let's hope so.”

“They've had a tough race so far with the other two cars dropping out.”

“Mm, well that's motorsport,” allowed Seb.

“All on Mark now. You don't think outside pressures will prove any kind of issue for him?”

 

What kind of question was that to ask? As if Mark couldn't keep his eyes on the road for worrying how Seb was or as if his mind was so frazzled by all the fuss in the media that he couldn't drive. Sebastian hid every frustration at the question and kept his expression unchanged.

 

“Mark is an excellent driver. He is fully focussed on getting the very best result he can for the team.”

Seb wasn't sure what to say beyond that. He wanted to say Mark was doing his best and just needed the car not to fall apart before he reached the finish, but he could hardly say that on camera.

 

Just as his mind was starting to flail around wondering what to say to fill the silence as the reporter deliberately waited for him to continue, Jenson appeared by his side.

“Jenson,” pounced the startled pitlane reporter.

“Hi, how's everyone doing?” asked Jenson cheerily as he smiled over at Seb.

“Good,” filled Sebastian, hoping that the reporter would ask Jenson a question.

Thankfully the reporter obliged. “So Jenson how are you doing? Clean bill of health after your crash?”

“Yep all good. Glad to know how solidly Porsche build these cars. I'd like to send a big thank you back to all the guys at the factory,” Jenson acknowledged.

“Sadly brought a premature end to your first race at Le Mans though?”

“Yes. It's unfortunate, but we'll be back stronger next year. In the meantime we're all behind the number twenty car,” asserted Jenson firmly.

“Great, well that's good to hear. Thanks to both of you then.”

 

 

Sebastian hid how relieved he was that the interview was over until he sat back down and puffed out a breath.

“Thank you for rescuing me,” he offered over to Jenson.

“Nah you had that, I just like showing off this ugly mug on telly whenever I can,” joked Jenson.

Seb smiled and sat back, knowing his friend was just being nice saying that.

“Actually mate I know my mum'll be watching, so I thought I'd give her another chance to see I was alright,” explained Jenson.

“Oh I see. Well I was glad you came over anyway.”

 

Sebastian wondered if his own parents might be watching some of the coverage to see how Mark was doing. He had told them that he was going to be here supporting Mark so they were bound to be taking an interest.

He returned his attention to the racing as he put his headphones back on, relieved that the interview hadn't gone too badly. Seb hoped that anyone from Porsche who was watching would consider him to have been on message, despite the fact that he had received no help from the PR team to prepare him. He was further relieved to see that he hadn't missed too much while he had been distracted. Mark was still running second and looking reasonably secure.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark pulled into the pits for what surely had to be their final stop of the race. Only one hour to go now and remarkably they were still going. He had wondered if the team might pull him out to put one of the other drivers in for the last push, but no. Mark suspected that Andreas might be deliberately giving him a chance to prove himself to all those higher-ups who doubted him. He had to get this right now. The stakes were sky high.

A second place finish would be a fantastic reward for the team after all their efforts. Mark was well-aware that this would be a team result. Not just his fellow drivers, but every member of the team and those back in Stuttgart who put their heart and soul into this race. He just had to hold on and make that finish.

 

One full set of new boots and a fill up on fuel and Mark was gone, back on track as fast as possible and grateful to see that a swift pitstop had allowed him to come out still in front of the Toyota. The Audi had pitted a few laps before him and a little closer according to his engineer, but still out of sight further round the track.

 

 

Things seemed to be settled in place and Mark knew he was in danger of relaxing and hoping he could just wait out the clock, when the Toyota finally pitted and Mark realised what their strategy was; They had held on as late as possible in order to allow them to push all out at the end. From third place they almost had nothing to lose and now they had much fresher tyres than either the Audi or the Porsche. It was a risk, but Mark looked at the now clear blue sky with the sun beating down on the track and asked the engineer what the latest track temperature was.

38°C was the reply. Damn, thought Mark. Whoever was running the strategy over at Toyota was smart; with the running this hot the track was going to eat up the tyres and they had just put themselves in the best position to make the most of things.

There was nothing to be done though. There was a quick exchange on the radio and Andreas came on, instructing Mark to keep pushing. They just had to carry on with what they were doing and hope for the best.

 

Only forty-five minutes left to run and after pitting, the Toyota was going to have to work hard to exploit their theoretical advantage, for now the #20 was still gaining slightly on the Audi and it was well ahead of the Toyota.

 

 

 

Thirty-five minutes to go.

The Toyota was gaining far faster on them than the Porsche was on the Audi, but for now the positions held. Sebastian couldn't tear his eyes from the screen as he heard Jessica ask him if he wanted some water.

“Hmm?”

“Do you want a drink? I'm going to grab some,” Jess repeated.

Seb didn't turn to look at her, hoping she would understand that he wasn't being rude, but he didn't dare look away.

“Umm, yeah, thanks.”

Jess returned and handed him a bottle that Seb took with only the slightest glance and nod of thanks before returning his attention to the race. He barely registered the fact that Jessica had taken the chair on his other side so that she and Jenson now flanked him as he watched the last part of the race unfold.

 

 

Twenty minutes to go.

Mark heard on the radio that the Audi's lap times were falling away, but his own weren't as strong as they had been either, whilst the Toyota was going great guns and gaining on both of them.

“What do you want me to do?” asked Mark.

“Just keep going.” came the reply.

Not the most helpful of responses, but he understood what they meant. It was too late to pit again without losing more time in the pits than they would gain on fresh tyres. All they could do now was keep pushing and see what happened.

 

Mark could see the Audi getting closer in front. It was clearly struggling and Mark considered that there was a chance that he might be able to hold second place even if it meant the top three reversing itself over the final few minutes. He had to at least do that much. He _had_ to overtake the Audi.

 

He pushed on and got right up behind the Audi, pulling out all the stops on the long straight getting up to top speed and praying that wasn't going to mean that too much stress was put on the tyres as he braked hard for the corner.

The Audi braked harder still and Mark saw puffs of smoke as it locked up and threw caution to the wind knowing he had to take an opportunity when it was gifted to him.

Coming out of the corner Mark was more relieved than pleased to have taken the position and it wasn't until his engineer came on the radio that he realised that actually put him in the lead.

 

 

Back in the garage Sebastian sat opened mouthed.

“Oh my god,” he slipped.

Jess had her hand on his arm and Jenson slapped him on the back.

“Nice,” praised Jenson.

Seb nodded without taking his eyes off the action. Having heard all the exchanges on the radio he was was aware how tenuous Porsche's hold on the lead might be.

 

 

 

Fifteen minutes to go.

Mark had pulled a good gap on the Audi now as it's tyres had clearly been badly damaged following the lock up, but the Toyota had overtaken it too and it was the new threat.

 

 

 

Ten minutes to go.

Mark could feel his own tyres starting to struggle. He fed it back on the radio even though he knew that there was nothing that they could do about it. A part of him was already preparing his defence for when the Toyota over-took him and Mark knew that Porsche would demand an explanation despite the fact that they really knew the score.

He took the corner at Arnage and felt the oversteer as the rear tyres slid across the tarmac. Damnit.

 

Surely that was it? Surely there was no hope now? The Toyota wasn't slowing and every lap brought it closer and closer. Mark's one consolation was that the Audi had totally given up the ghost and at this rate would be doing well to hold third.

Second would be good. It was what he had hoped for last year when they had been so cruelly denied. Surely they should just be happy with that?

 

Mark managed to pick up a bit more speed on the start-finish straight and as he passed the pit complex once again he radioed back in.

“At this rate how many laps is it going to take the Toyota to catch us?”

“Hard to say. If you can hold this rate, maybe two.”

There was a pause.

“If you could just pick it up a bit, it _could_ be three.”

 

Three? Three laps took them past the 3pm finish time. Three laps for the Toyota to overtake them wasn't enough. Three laps meant they would hold the lead. Three laps meant they could win.

They could win.

Mark knew that to increase his speed meant taking a big risk. He might destroy the tyres altogether. He might have so little grip that he lost the car on a corner and crashed out. He could throw away a vital second place and not even finish the race, leaving Porsche with a full-team DNF. It could be a complete disaster.

Or it could be the biggest triumph of his life.

Give in and accept second or risk it all for the win?

 

He had accepted second far too many times before. The tiniest wry smile crossed Mark's lips as he thought that in most of those cases it had been to Seb who was now in the garage cheering him on.

Life was strange. All kinds of unexpected things could happen: He could fall in love with his greatest rival. He could find happiness in his life he didn't even realise he was missing. He could have his life turned upside down and consider himself the luckiest person in the world because of it. He could take a huge risk and ask a favour of the racing gods when he had been denied so many times before. He could trust to fate and his own abilities and everything the team had put into this car.

He could win.

 

Mark rapidly came up with his own strategy: Take every care imaginable on the bends and go for it on the straights. He was going to do all he possibly could to keep this lead. It might not work. It might all go horribly wrong. But he sure as hell was going to try.

 

 

 

Five minutes to go.

Sebastian stood up. He sat back down again and gripped Jessy's hand, Jenson's hand resting on his arm as they all watched the screen and listened to the radio with an intensity that left no room for speech.

The entire garage was locked in silence as they watched. Seb felt sick. He wanted to go out of the back and get some fresh air. He wanted the race to be over right now.

 

 

 

Three minutes to go.

Mark could see the Toyota in his mirrors. It had caught right up with him but he was unbelievably on to the last lap. He just had to make it round the rest of the track one more time keeping Wurz behind him. No easy task.

As he went into the bendy Dunlop section Mark's heart was in his mouth as he felt how little grip the car had. He was struggling to keep it on the track, never mind defend from the Toyota that was so close now that the driver must be able to see the taut expression on his face in the mirror as he looked back at them.

Mark came out of the Esses amazed that he was still ahead. He stopped looking behind him and wished he could knock the mirrors off his car. They only served to further raise his stress level. As if that was possible right now.

He let out a breath as he reached the Mulsanne Straight and lined up the car, putting his foot down harder than he dared, to make the most of it. He wished the straight was twice as long as it was and the finish line was at the end of it.

The tyres might be shot, but the hybrid engine was still a monster. He didn't know it but by midway he was actually pulling away from Wurz as he ran behind him.

 

Mark eased onto the brakes at the end of the straight desperate not to repeat the error that the Audi had made. If he locked up he could run off track and everything would be over. He slowed, knowing he was giving up time even before he applied proper pressure to the brakes, but he had to, it was the only way.

The bend was hideously tight and Mark was sure he could walk faster than the rate he took the corner so nervously.

He forced himself not to look in the mirrors. Either the Toyota was on him now or it wasn't. Nothing he could do but focus on the relatively long run up to Indianapolis, put his foot back down and pray.

 

Coming out of Arnage he spied traffic ahead and silently begged them to get out of his damn way. Most politely did just that, but one of the amateur cars still running many laps down was in his way and Mark was cursing loudly in his helmet before he got past. Going into the Porsche Curves once more he inadvertently glanced in the mirrors and saw that the Toyota was right there. All his accrued advantage from the straights had evaporated and he had the curves to negotiate and the final Ford Chicane in his way. The place where his car was likely to be weakest and it was the final part of the whole race.

The thought crossed Mark's mind that if he lost the lead of the twenty-four hour race of Le Mans in the final seconds of those twenty-four hours on the _Porsche_ Curves whilst driving the Porsche LMP1 car, he would probably never live it down.

He could not let that happen. He simply couldn't. He was _so_ close now.

 

 

 

Seb sat unable to breath. His heart was beating so hard he was sure that it must be audible in the deathly quiet garage. His eyes were wide open as he stared at the television screens desperately counting down the seconds.

 

3pm. Twenty-four hours now passed since the start. Whoever crossed the line first now would win the race. Whoever that was. It could still go either way.

Jess squeezed his hand and Sebastian realised somewhere in his subconscious that he must have been gripping hers too tightly and loosened his hold.

 

 

Mark's grip on the steering wheel was equally tight. He had miraculously survived the curves and now had a mercifully straight patch ahead to accelerate once more. He managed to pull a slight gap on the Toyota once more before he was into the Ford Chicanes. Turning the wheel he felt the back end get away from him and Mark gasped. _Fuck_. If he lost it now that was it. Everything would be over. He _had_ to hold on.

He didn't want to look back but he couldn't help it now. Mark glanced in the mirrors before he had to prepare for the next torturous bend and his jaw dropped as he saw the Toyota slide too far over the line as it took the bend he had just negotiated. Surely it's tyres hadn't gone off now as well? Was that even possible? Was Wurz now pushing too hard as he made a last final lunge?

Whatever the reason didn't matter. It gave Mark just the tiniest of breathing spaces and he slowed further to safely take the bend ahead without risking the car coming off. One more bend to take and he would be on the finishing straight.

 

 

 

 

Mark held the steering wheel more tightly and turned it more gently than he thought he ever had in his life before. Somehow the car made the bend. Somehow the Toyota was still behind him. Somehow he was on the finish straight and could actually _see_ the chequered flag.

He didn't realise that behind him Alex Wurz driving the Toyota knew he had lost as soon as Mark got out of the final bend unscathed and had stopped pushing. Mark kept his foot on the accelerator all the way to the line, all the way _past_ the line until he was almost at the end of the pitlane.

As a result he actually pulled out a slightly bigger gap and the history books would show that he took the win by a gap of 7.423 seconds. A far safer distance than it had really been only moments before.

 

The tense silence that had overwhelmed the radio was broken as first his engineer and then Andreas came on yelling that they had won.

Oh my god they had won. He'd actually won. Any minute now he was going to wake up from the best dream he'd had in his life.

 

Mark let out such an exalted whoop on the radio that when he heard it back later he would be amazed to know he could make a noise like that. Words were beyond him and it took Mark until he was on the long straight again before he could speak and finally thank his team and his fellow drivers who shared his win. He'd done it. He really done it. Maybe the racing gods didn't hate him after all. Maybe they'd been saving this one up for when he really needed it? They'd won.

 

 

 

In the garage Sebastian was being vigorously hugged by first Jenson and then Jess. He didn't even remember standing. Everyone in the garage was leaping up and cheering so excitedly that the folding chairs were crashing to the floor. Not that you could hear that over the din. Champagne that had appeared from nowhere was being popped and mechanics Seb had never exchanged a word with were coming up to him and slapping him on the back.

He had no idea what was happening. Sebastian didn't even realise he still had his headphones on as he tried to soak in hearing Mark's voice for as long as possible. As the airwaves went quiet Seb finally pulled them off and slipped away from all the tumult in the garage to get some air and some space and some quiet for himself.

 

Sebastian got only as far as out the back of the garage before he fell back against the partition wall and burst into tears.

He let his head drop and his body sagged as Seb sobbed out all the stress and strain he had been holding in for the past hour, the past twenty-four hours, the past week, the past four weeks. It was too much.

Seb's knees went from under him and his body slid down the wall until he was sat on the floor, his legs bent up in front of him. Seb sank his head into his knees and hugged them closer.

He was too swept away by his emotions to hear voices around him and it took one hand gently resting on his arm and another more firmly on his shoulder to pull him back.

 

“Seb mate you okay?”

Sebastian jerked his head up. Just for a second his brain had been fooled into thinking that could be Mark. Of course it wasn't Mark. He was still on the track. It was Jenson, Jessica by his other side now gently rubbing his arm.

Sebastian took a shuddery breath, trying to pull himself together. He wiped at his face with the sleeve of his hoody and accepting the offered bottle of water to take careful sips. Seb closed his eyes for a moment, settling himself. No one was supposed to see him like this except Mark. He really wanted to see Mark.

He'd won. He'd bloody won. Mark had worked _so_ hard for that. Seb knew that it was a team effort, but to him it was all about Mark. Seb thought of all the pressure Mark had been under, everything they had been through lately, how close a run thing that had been. All that and he'd kept it together and only bloody won the toughest motorsport race in the world.

Sebastian wiped away the last of his tears and thought he had never been happier in his life.

 

“Come on, you're alright.”

Jessica patted his arm one more time and between the two of them they pulled Seb up onto his feet.

Seb sniffed and took another drink of water as he composed himself. Thank god there was too much else going on with the celebrations for many people to be paying him any attention out here.

Jenson gave him a rub on the shoulder.

“Bit much eh?”

Sebastian shrugged, feeling embarrassed that he had made such a fool of himself.

 

He took another drink of water before answering.

“Sorry. I must look like a complete idiot.”

“Nah, there's burly tyre-men in there blubbing like little girls,” joked Jenson.

Seb managed a smile, thinking Jenson was probably fibbing, but it was nice of him to try to make him feel better.

 

“We ought to head on over to get a good spot,” continued Jenson.

Seb frowned at him, wondering what he meant before clicking that he was referring to going over to stand underneath the podium.

He nodded. “Might just nip into the bathroom first,” he excused, knowing he ought to wash his face so he didn't look a complete mess in front of the inevitable cameras he would encounter.

“Good idea,” agreed Jenson, thinking he ought to keep an eye on Seb for the timebeing.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark came back around the last part of his victory lap and drummed down on the steering wheel in joy. He pulled into the pitlane and slowed to a crawl to avoid running over all the people spilling out onto it.

As he reached the Porsche garage Mark drew to a halt and popped open the door to receive enthusiastic congratulation from his team-mates and left it open as Timo and Brendon hopped on the car to balance either side to get a taxi-ride down the pitlane towards the podium gantry at the far end.

He slowly pulled onto the laid out 'Number 1' carpet and his team-mates jumped off as Mark allowed the car to be pushed into position. Mark clambered out and removed his helmet before he was immediately jumped on by his fellow drivers as they hugged and bounced happily up and down, unable to contain their excitement and relief, while all around them cameras flashed and the crowd cheered home the remaining finishers who had survived the full twenty-four hours. Each one who had managed to complete it were celebrating their own smaller victories at the supreme achievement of making it through to the end.

 

Andreas appeared from nowhere and joined in the hugging and congratulations while the drivers in turn thanked him for all the efforts of the team. The four of them climbed up on top of the car to pose for photographs and as Mark looked down he noted how filthy the once red car now was. She was still a beauty though. As Mark climbed down he gave her a little stroke, she'd served them remarkably well and this victory was hers too.

Looking back up, Mark took in all the press of people at the barriers and finally spotted the one person he was looking for: Crushed in at the corner was a slightly out of breath Sebastian accompanied by a jubilant looking Jenson.

 

 

Seb had only taken a moment in the bathroom in an attempt to restore his appearance with a splash of cold water on his face, before he was back through the garage and racing up the pitlane with Jenson towards the far end. Jess had waved them on knowing that even in sandals she had no hope of keeping up. Reaching the barriers, Jenson had got them over to a slight gap and they forced their way through to a spot where they could watch the drivers celebrating.

 

 

Mark rushed over and despite all the media around, immediately leaned over the barriers to pull Seb into a joyful hug, Sebastian throwing his arms around his neck. He pressed his cheek against Mark's and closed his eyes tight trying not to let loose any more of tears that were threatening to escape once again.

Mark pulled back and smiled at Seb. Sod the board if they weren't going to be thrilled at him doing that. He'd just spent the past few minutes hugging his team-mates and his boss, it would be pretty hypocritical of them to disapprove of this.

He placed his hand at the side of Sebastian's face as he looked at him more closely and furrowed his brow a little.

“You've not been crying have you mate?”

Sebastian could only give a tiny shrug. He hoped it was only because Mark knew him so well that he could tell and that it wouldn't be so obvious to everyone else.

Mark gave a tiny shake of his head at how emotional Seb got. It was lovely that he cared so much though. It wasn't really any kind of surprise.

 

“You're amazing,” praised Sebastian. “I can't believe you did it, that was so close!”

Mark laughed. “I thought you said you were sure we were going to win?”

Seb gave another shrug. He had wanted to believe that, but towards the end it looked almost impossible.

“I don't know how you hung on.”

“Couldn't give up could I?” countered Mark.

It was all so much simpler looking at it from this side.

“I knew you wouldn't. I'm _so_ proud of you,” Sebastian affirmed, speaking much more quietly now, wanting his praise to be only for Mark's ears.

 

Mark smiled back. Seb was proud of him. He'd just won Le Mans and Seb was here to share it with him. His life was perfect right now, he didn't want this moment to end.

Sebastian wanted to give Mark the biggest kiss of his life, but he knew they couldn't do that here. Instead he placed his hand on Mark's arm and Mark mirrored him as he lowered his own hand from Seb's cheek.

They stood closely together, eyes only for each other for another few seconds before the flashing of cameras intruded and Mark leant in and whispered in his ear.

“Later.”

He grinned and then moved back to let go of Sebastian. A hug was nice and it meant a huge amount, but they were both looking forward to when they were alone and out of sight of the world.

 

In that moment Mark didn't care if they'd all got pictures of them together. They _were_ together. Of course Sebastian would be there to offer his congratulations. It was the most natural thing in the world.

Mark took half a step back and finally remembered that Jenson was stood patiently by Seb's side, waiting to offer his own congratulations.

“Hey.”

Jenson shook his head at Mark having to tear his attention away from Seb.

“Hey. Wow, congratulations mate, that was stunning stuff. Well done.”

Jenson leaned over the barrier and offered his own hearty hug to him before Mark pulled back and glanced over to his team-mates.

“Gotta go.”

Sebastian nodded and hung on to the barrier to stay in place as they started to be jostled about as more and more people tried to get in position to see the podium ceremony.

 

 

 

 

Up on the podium Mark stood flanked by Timo and Brendon as they raised the ridiculously over-sized trophy above their heads, Andreas attempting to keep a hand on it from the side and the confetti cannon fired out little gold pieces over everybody.

Mark looked out at what he thought must be hundreds of thousands of people crammed into the pitlane below, on the track and over filling the grandstands. He didn't think even Monza matched this. It was incredible. He had never even allowed himself to imagine being in this position before.

So many people. It was overwhelming; the crowds and the cheering and the noise. They lowered the trophy and Mark looked down past the car looking for the one person in all this mass of humanity that he really wanted to see.

Seb was determinedly hanging onto his prime spot at the edge of the barriers, Jenson and Jessica by his side, all three grinning and excitedly waving up at him.

 

Mark waved back, not caring if it was protocol or not. Then it was time for the champagne and posing for photos and Mark returned his attention to his duties for the team.

As they climbed the stairs down, Mark walked by Andreas.

Speaking quietly, he took a moment to say what he wanted to.

“Thank you.”

Andreas turned his head and smiled.

“No no, thank you.”

“I mean for the opportunity. To be in this team of course, but I mean the end. Thank you for giving me that chance. I really appreciate it.”

 

They had reached the bottom of the flight of stairs and as the other two went ahead, Andreas stopped and addressed Mark for a moment.

“Well you repaid my faith, more than that actually. If I'm honest I thought second was our most realistic prospect.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“If I'm honest, so did I.”

Andreas laughed back.

“Ah well. Let's keep that to ourselves shall we? You did an incredible job to hold that lead.”

Mark nodded thanks and they headed back out into the little arena around the venerated winning car to talk to the media.

 

 

All the drivers took their chance to praise the team and each other and expound upon what a challenge the race had been with all it's ups and downs and the changes in fortune along the way.

Mark had spoken of how proud he was to be part of a collective effort that had brought Porsche it's first Le Mans win in seventeen years.

“You must be pleased with the move you have made into Endurance racing?”

Mark nodded to the camera.

“Yes, absolutely, it's been a fantastic new challenge and I hope we're only just getting started bringing the Porsche team back to the top again.”

“It's great to see Porsche return to such form. No doubt the team will be hoping to see if they can't get all three cars on the podium next year.”

Mark laughed. “Yeah mate, I'm sure that's the idea. This is a rough old game over twenty-four hours, but the car's an absolute beauty and a hell of a lot of preparation and work went into it so I'd like to thank all the team here and back in Stuttgart for their efforts because we all know that this is their victory. I've no doubt next year we'll be back trying to repeat this.”

 

He glanced over at the PR person for Porsche lurking by their side and presumed he was saying all the right things as she looked fairly happy, but then the whole team did unsurprisingly.

Mark carried on.

“This was a huge team effort, but we'll keep on pushing.”

He looked over at his team-mates as Mark continued.

“We all work together because we know that we couldn't achieve any of this alone. None of us could. I know that without the support I have there's no way I'd be stood here right now.”

 

 

Mark knew that in the distance Seb couldn't hear what he was saying and given how uncomfortable the board had proved themselves over their relationship he couldn't be more explicit than that, but he knew what he meant by that and it was important to Mark that he said it.

This victory belonged to the whole team, but his part in it owed a huge amount to Sebastian. He had picked Mark up every time he fell down, helped coax him into sleep that kept Mark going, he gave Mark strength and determination he'd not known himself capable of.

Seb was the reason this mattered so much more than it ever had before. Seb was proud of him. Mark didn't think he would ever be able to express just how much more important this victory was now he wasn't just racing for himself. Mark raced for _them_ now. Seb was _his_ team.

 

“Is this the best moment of your life?” proposed the interviewer excitedly.

Mark was drawn back from his musings and gave him a half smile.

“Ah well it's up there, but I'm not quite sure I'd say that. It is pretty special though mate, gotta say that for it.”

 

Mark smiled over at Seb who hadn't budged from his position, even though he was only watching and waiting.

This was a pretty special moment. But it wasn't the best moment of his life. Every single one of those moments involved just him and Seb.

The moment they were alone together and Sebastian was able to give Mark his proper congratulations, well _that_ just might be.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had to push pretty hard myself to get this race completed (sleep is for wimps right?) so I hope I've not made too many mistakes...


	50. Making Up For Lost Time

 

 

 

The sun was stealing around the edges of the curtains, lending a half-light to the room that told Mark that it was well into daytime by the time he woke. As he opened his eyes properly he looked over to see Seb watching him.

Seb moved his hand that was resting on Mark's side as he turned further over to look at him.

“Morning,” smiled Mark.

“Morning, _Le Mans winner,”_ grinned Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh in response to Seb's admiring tone. Life was great right now. It was perfect. He was home in bed with Sebastian and yesterday he had only gone and achieved the biggest win of his life.

 

Seb closed the few inches between them and kissed Mark, pleased to feel him sleepily respond as Mark pressed himself in closer to him.

“Mmm.”

Mark pulled away and grinned at that contented little noise Seb had just made, he tickled Sebastian at his waist as a way of teasing him about it and was even more pleased when that made Seb wriggle delightfully against him.

He kissed Seb again before moving back and lying his head back on the pillow, letting out a long sigh.

“You okay?” checked Seb as he leaned up a little to look at him.

“Hm? Yeah, still tired,” admitted Mark.

“You're glad we came home though aren't you?” queried Sebastian.

“Oh yeah. Nothing better than waking up in your own bed,” confirmed Mark.

 

They had considered staying an extra night in Le Mans when the post-race celebrations threatened to run on, but both of them had really longed to come home as soon as possible, so they had made their excuses and caught their booked flight back. Once home they had done little more than pet the dogs before falling into bed with exhaustion.

 

“Yeah,” confirmed Sebastian, feeling how wonderful it always was to be home. All this travelling made him appreciate it more than ever.

“Nothing better than waking up with you,” added Mark.

He slid his arm under Seb and pulled him in so that Sebastian automatically shifted up and rested his head on Mark's shoulder so that they could lie comfortably together. Seb gave Mark's neck a little kiss to say thank you as he settled down.

“Not even waking up and remembering that you're a Le Mans winner?” teased Sebastian.

Mark laughed. “Well that bit's pretty good too, I grant you.”

“I'm so proud of you,” insisted Sebastian happily.

 

He didn't think he had ever been happier to see someone win a race. Mark had worked so hard for that, he had done the impossible and finally been rewarded as he deserved to be. Seb felt as though he radiated with joy as he had watched Mark being fêted with the other drivers, happily standing to the side in the Porsche base and thinking every time someone looked at him that they knew his boyfriend was Mark Webber. Mark Webber who had just won Le Mans.

 

“My Le Mans winner,” smiled Seb as he looked up at Mark.

Mark grinned and gave Sebastian a little squeeze.

“I couldn't have done it without you,” Mark insisted.

 

Seb shifted a tiny bit higher to look at him.

“You were the one driving.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“And you were the one supporting me, helping me do that. I mean it; I couldn't have done it without you. I'd never have got to sleep for worrying without you, I'd never have picked myself up so quickly after making that mistake, I'd have spent all night kicking myself. It would never have meant so much to even win at all if you weren't there with me.”

Sebastian took a sharp little intake of breath and his face fell into a tight pout as he tried not to get overwhelmed at hearing Mark say that so sincerely.

“You're not going to cry again are you?” Mark tried teasing to attempt to prevent Seb from doing just that.

Seb gave little shake of his head before pressing his face into Mark's shoulder to stop himself from letting go.

 

Mark squeezed him tight and rested his head down into Sebastian's, thinking how sweet it was that Seb was so affected by the smallest amount of praise. He'd been touched to see how emotional Seb got in response to his win and how happy he had been for him.

“It's _our_ win. I mean it, I couldn't have done it without you Seb. Thank you.”

 

Sebastian just stayed in position where he was and nodded into Mark's shoulder. It felt so incredible to know that they were in this together; Every victory, every problem, shared. Every victory sweeter, every problem not quite so bad because they were together.

 

They stayed like that for a little while, Seb eventually moving his head to lie against rather than into Mark's shoulder as he calmed down.

Mark gently stroked Seb's arm as they lay there, still feeling as though he was half-asleep. He prayed that this wasn't a crazy dream that he was about to wake up from.

 

 

 

 

Once the official race business had finished yesterday Mark had hoped that he might get a little while alone with Sebastian, but there was barely time back in his room for him to change before he was back working the media and joining in the official celebrations with the team. He had at least received that proper kiss of congratulation from Seb that they had both been longing for, but they'd had no time to really talk.

As Mark had passed from reporter to reporter giving out the official PR lines, he had watched Sebastian lurking quietly on the sidelines, sometimes talking to Jess or Jenson, but otherwise alone. He looked happy enough as he was, but Mark would rather have been over with him.

 

It wasn't until they were in a taxi to the airport that they were properly alone together and then Mark's phone had rung again and had to take the chance to talk to first his parents and then his sister and her family to get their congratulations that they'd been trying to give for hours now.

At the airport Mark had let Sebastian take care of sorting things out while he sat down on the seats with their hand luggage. When Seb rejoined them he was just about to take the moment to chat when it was Sebastian's phone that rang and Seb explained that his parents wanted to offer their congratulations. Mark smiled and shook his head a little at them doing that. In truth he was so _done_ talking, but it was very kind of Seb's parents to call back to speak to him, so of course he took the call to thank them.

When Fabian came on the phone Mark put it on speaker so they could both join in and talk to him. They'd actually hardly got a word in edgeways as Sebastian's little brother had run on and on about how amazing Mark's win was and how cool Le Mans was and how he'd stayed up half the night watching the action. Mark had been drawn into a promise that he would definitely invite Fabian to come along with them one year soon.

Before Fabian hung up he had told them in a thrilled voice that he was going to be boasting to the entire school tomorrow that the winner of Le Mans was _his_ brother's boyfriend and he was going to go along to watch him win sometime.

 

By the time the call ended Mark was almost overwhelmed at how happy everyone was for him. In fairness his nephew had sounded almost as excited about the fact that his mother had allowed him to stay up that late on a school night as he was about Mark's team winning, but Leanne assured him that wasn't _entirely_ the case. Mark wondered if there would ever be a time that his own family met Sebastian's. He smiled to himself, thinking that putting Ryan and Fabian in the same room might be too much boisterous young energy to take. One day maybe.

 

Sebastian had insisted on carrying their bags onto the plane despite Mark's protestations that he was alright, but Seb knew how tired out Mark was and he was proved correct when Mark had fallen fast asleep leaning into him within five minutes of take-off.

 

 

 

 

Even now Mark thought he could sleep for a week.

“We don't have to do anything today, do we?” checked Sebastian, looking back up at Mark.

Mark shook his head.

“I don't plan on going anywhere mate.”

“Good,” agreed Seb.

He stretched out comfortably against Mark and settled his head back down thinking he might just rest his eyes for another moment. Seb didn't quite realise it, but the stress of watching the race combined with the equal lack of sleep, meant that he was almost as physically tired as Mark was.

 

 

 

When Seb reopened his eyes he wasn't sure how long a time had passed, but it was nice to know that it didn't matter. The extra little sleep seemed to have helped though and he felt a bit more alert.

Sebastian reached up to the side to take a drink of water, not realising that the movement would wake Mark.

“Oh sorry,” Seb apologised, looking back.

Mark blinked and shook his head, dismissing it. He sat up a little.

“Pass us that would you?” he requested.

Seb passed him the water and Mark took a drink to refresh himself.

“Better?” checked Sebastian as he put the water back on the side.

“Mm,” concurred Mark, not quite sure if he was referring to the drink or the extra sleep, but he did feel considerably better now.

Seb settled into his side and wrapped his arm around Mark's front as they lay half propped up against the pillows. Neither showing any sign of wanting to get up.

“This is nice isn't it?” proposed Sebastian.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah mate, very nice.”

 

Sebastian stroked his hand up and down Mark's side thinking how lovely and warm his skin felt.

“I feel like you ought to get some kind of reward,” suggested Sebastian.

“A reward?”

“For winning. I think you should have a prize.”

Mark gave a little frown.

“Well they did give that nice trophy,” noted Mark. “And I'm pretty sure we all get a hefty bonus from Porsche for pulling that off.”

“Mmm.”

 

Sebastian smiled and turned a little more into Mark so that he was able to look up and face him.

“I was thinking more of something for you. From me.”

Mark's face spread into a smile.

“Oh yes?”

“Mmm.”

Sebastian grinned wickedly and moved even further over so that he rubbed his body suggestively into Mark's.

“I mean, anything you wanted. You've earned it.”

Mark chuckled and ran his hands down Seb's back as he leaned into him.

“Oh really?”

“Mmm.”

“I get to choose my own prize?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm, that _is_ nice.”

 

Mark grinned, tempted to tease Sebastian by saying he would like Seb to bring him breakfast in bed, or get him to run around after him all day, but there was only one thing that he really wanted.

“Well if I get to choose my own prize then I think I'd quite like _you_ ,” revealed Mark.

Seb laughed a little into him.

“Just me?”

“Mmm.”

Mark pulled Seb on top of him and Sebastian lay against his chest, propping himself up with folded arms.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “Well if that's what you want...”

“That's what I want,” confirmed Mark

“You'll always have me,” Seb promised, sounding just a little more serious.

“Mm, that's the prize,” joked back Mark.

 

In truth it wasn't actually a joke to either one of them. They both knew that they valued each other far above any reward racing could give them.

 

Sebastian pushed himself further up to kiss Mark on the lips.

“You're not too tired?” he queried.

Mark gave a half shrug.

“Well I am pretty tired.”

“But not _too_ tired?” checked Sebastian.

 

He pressed even further into Mark and less than casually rubbed himself up against him getting just the reaction he had hoped for.

Seb laughed.

“Not _that_ tired then?”

“Well I did say how much you helped me mate,” teased Mark.

He ran his hands even further down the curve of Seb's back, on down to rest very definitely on his arse leaving no doubt whatsoever where this was going.

 

Sebastian moved his hands to sit either side of Mark and smiled down at him.

“Seeing as you're tired, why don't you just relax and let me take care of things?” offered Seb.

“Sounds good.”

Mark let his hands trail further down Seb's thighs thinking that getting Sebastian was about the best reward he could think of.

 

They pushed the duvet off to the side and shifted further down so Mark could lie back and Sebastian lifted up, moving his legs apart so he could straddle him before leaning in to hold his face above Mark's, stealing little kisses while Mark stroked his hands up and down Seb's sides.

Seb looked down and thought again how lucky he was to have Mark. He was his and his alone, his Mark, his Le Mans winner, and all Mark wanted in return was Seb. It was incredible.

Sebastian lowered himself in and started kissing every part of Mark's body that was available to him, trying not to let things get away from them too fast. This was their lovely perfect moment together, but they were both in truth still pretty tired, so Seb knew they couldn't drag this out too long.

 

Mark kept lifting up, chasing Sebastian's teasing soft kisses.

“Do I get my prize now?” he pressed.

“Mmm, yes I think you should,” agreed Seb.

“Good stuff,” grinned Mark.

Sebastian offering himself up was pretty damn marvellous, but Mark thought if they didn't move things along soon he might not last the distance. There was really only so much a man could take being teased about what was on offer when he was as worn out as Mark felt after this last week.

 

 

 

“Oh gott!”

All the air shot out of Seb as he let that out. Oh god. Mark was inside him, filling him up, sending his heart-rate through the roof and Seb knew he had to stop for a moment or it would be too much.

Mark reached up a hand from where they had sat on Sebastian's hips and placed it at the side of Seb's face.

“Seb?” he checked, as Sebastian's eyes fell tightly closed.

Sebastian reopened them and looked at Mark's lovely warm eyes.

“Mmm,” he nodded trying to let Mark know that he was okay even if not quite capable of coherent speech.

 

Mark lifted himself up to meet Seb in a kiss as he let Sebastian settle into things before lying back and watching in wonder as Seb started to move his hips, slowly at first and then with increasing pace. All the blood seemed to have left his brain and Mark couldn't stop his hips from rising to encourage Seb to start lifting himself up to increase the friction. The look of concentration on Sebastian's face was so beautiful Mark wanted to remember it forever. Sebastian working this hard to give him what he wanted, to make Mark happy and give him pleasure, giving everything of himself all for Mark.

There was surely no reward in the world better than this?

 

Seb slowed, knowing his that the muscles in his thighs couldn't take much more when he was this tired out.

“Mark, you'll have to help me,” requested Sebastian breathlessly.

“Yeah mate course.”

Mark pushed himself back up and they shifted a tiny bit so Mark could sit with Sebastian in his lap to carry on. Mark put his hands firmly on Seb's waist to help him move and Sebastian in turn put his arms around Mark's neck, holding him closer.

“Good?” checked Mark, before continuing.

“Yeah good,” breathed Sebastian.

Mark took the opportunity to kiss him again and they started moving in time, working together in a natural rhythm of their own.

As Mark's hips bucked up faster Sebastian could no longer control the words falling from his mouth.

“Mark, Mark, Mark...”

Over and over his named spilled helplessly from Seb's lip as Mark was the only thing his brain could think of.

The small part of Mark's brain that was still operating registered the way Sebastian's voice was rising in pitch and he kept his movements going, knowing they were so close now. A moment later he felt Seb stutter and pitch forwards towards him as he came and Mark let go of his last attempts at restraint and gripped tighter onto Sebastian as he let his body move faster and more urgently so that he could follow Seb.

 

“Oh god, _god,_ Mark,” let out Sebastian, his brain still not operating. His skin felt as though it was alight with something, as if it was burning from the electricity that flowed through him.

He rested his cheek against Mark's as Mark gradually slowed and the two of them pressed their faces tight into one another, trying to settle their breathing.

Mark moved his hands up to sit more lightly around Sebastian's back and they stayed like that, not needing to speak, just staying together, chests heavily rising and falling as one.

 

Eventually Sebastian moved his head so that they were facing one another and kissed Mark so deeply that Mark thought he might have used up all the oxygen his body had just fought to regain.

He pulled away to get a lungful of air before pressing a lighter kiss to Seb's lips.

Mark grinned at him.

“Bloody hell mate, that's a hell of a reward you give.”

Sebastian laughed back.

“You earned it,” he praised, giving Mark another softer kiss. “Besides, that was quite a nice reward for me too.”

Mark stroked his fingers carefully along Seb's spine.

“Well like I said, we're in this together aren't we?”

Seb nodded and gave him another kiss, unable to do anything more than stare happily into Mark's eyes, a gentler hum of contentment running through him as they settled down.

 

They stayed that way for a while longer before Mark finally lifted Seb up so they could separate, but Sebastian clearly didn't want to move away, so Mark let Seb lie back down on top of him. Mark rested his arms back around Seb and held him in place above him as Seb rested his head down into the crook of Mark's neck.

“I'm not too heavy?” checked Sebastian, looking back up.

“Nah,” breathed Mark. “Light as a feather mate.”

Mark kissed Seb's forehead and didn't care if he was a weight pressing down on him. It was a nice weight. It told him that Seb was with him.

“Can we just stay this way?” asked Sebastian.

“Mm, think so. We need to catch up on our rest. Besides I'm pretty sure I said I'm not going anywhere today.”

Mark leaned his head to rest against Seb's and sighed out. “Nowhere I'd rather be.”

Seb smiled into his shoulder and hung onto him as Mark retrieved the duvet from the edge of the bed to pull over them. This was too perfect. They weren't going _anywhere_ today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Having fulfilled their promise to do nothing all day on Monday it almost came as a shock to realise that Tuesday was their one remaining full day at home before things kicked off again and they would be back at the airport once more. When Mark asked Seb what he most wanted to do with it, he was only to happy to hear that Sebastian chose to spend the day doing what was most normal to them.

Seb wanted to have an ordinary routine time doing all the things they would if they weren't rushing around the world every other day as seemed to be their lot currently: Going for a run, walking the dogs, having lunch and drinking tea hanging around in the kitchen and loafing about curled up together on the sofa watching a bit of TV until it was time for bed. As far as Mark was concerned that sounded like the perfect day with Seb.

 

It seemed like a hell of a long time since they had been able to do that; letting them feel as though they were just an ordinary couple leading their ordinary lives.

They got up early and were pleased to see that they had been gifted a bright and beautiful blue sky June morning. Running along the country lanes it was hard to believe that there was a more picturesque place in the world than where they were fortunate enough to live.

When they reached the village they headed over to the coffee shop, not because they needed a drink, but because of the fact that this too was a part of their routine they had been missing for so long. Everything had been so disrupted since Monaco, it was nice to feel that they were finally going back to behaving normally and confidently resuming their place in the world.

 

Taking their seats at their usual table it almost felt as though the last four weeks hadn't happened and they were free from all the problems that had taken over their lives in that time.

The place was pleasantly quiet as it usually was at this hour. So quiet that the staff seemed to have disappeared into the back thinking that they had no customers to serve. Not that it particularly bothered Mark or Sebastian seeing as they were in no hurry. Stopping here was more about taking a moment out than rushing to get a drink anyway.

 

As they relaxed waiting for someone to appear, Seb picked up a paper from a nearby table, feeling brave enough to look at one for the first time in an age. He hadn't realised that the paper was still left out from yesterday until Sebastian turned it back to the front page and then stopped.

He sat back down.

“Oh, wow.”

Seb put the paper down on the table and flipped it around to show it to Mark, who stared at it.

“Oh.”

Mark puffed out a long breath as he looked at the picture taking up half the front page. A picture of him and Sebastian locked in that tight hug after he had won.

The headline emblazoned above it read:

'The Le Mans winner and the F1 Champion'.

Underneath the picture was captioned: 'Mark Webber, winner of the 24 Hours of Le Mans race is congratulated by his formula one world champion boyfriend Sebastian Vettel.'

Below that there ran a brief story stating that Mark drove for the Porsche team who had triumphed at the gruelling race for the first time in seventeen years.

 

Mark sighed and pushed the paper back to Sebastian.

“Is it that bad?” wondered Seb, instantly worrying that Mark would be in trouble with his team for the gesture of affection between them being so highlighted.

Mark sighed again. He really wasn't sure himself. A hug was such an innocent little thing, could his bosses be upset with that?

“I don't know.”

“At least it's saying you're a winner,” tried Seb.

Sebastian wasn't sure why he wasn't more upset about it. It wasn't great to see themselves in the papers again, but somehow the fact that it was such a nice gentle happy moment between them and the fact that it was from Mark's victory, mitigated the intrusion into their relationship. They had been well aware that it wasn't a private moment between them. Maybe they had subconsciously been choosing to show their support for one another to the world. If so this had certainly done the job.

“It doesn't even mention Brendon and Timo,” noted Mark unhappily.

He wasn't entirely displeased to see his success displayed so prominently, but it wasn't just _his_ success.

“At least it mentions Porsche,” tried Sebastian.

“Hmm.”

 

Seb flicked to the accompanying longer article in the sports pages and there the full story was reported.

“It mentions them here,” noted Seb.

Mark looked over to see the article tucked in a few pages inside the back of the paper.

“Yeah, I guess that's something.”

“Do you think the team will be annoyed with you?” worried Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. I guess I did know how many cameras were around there.”

Mark knew he couldn't claim naivety in the situation. At the time he hadn't cared about them taking pictures, he'd been too caught up in the elation of victory, but Mark hadn't really given a lot of thought about how those pictures would be used.

 

He puffed a breath out, taking in the date at the top of the page.

“If they were really bothered I suppose I'd have heard from them yesterday. Mustn't be that bad.”

“Okay, yeah, that's something. And, well, don't take this the wrong way Mark, but does Le Mans always make the front page here?”

Mark gave him a wry smile, wondering if there was a chance that Porsche might actually appreciate the publicity.

“Is it bad to say that?” worried Seb instantly, feeling as though he was belittling Mark's career.

Mark shook his head. “No, you're right. It might get a line or two, maybe if one of the winning drivers was British.”

“I don't mean to make it sound like winning Le Mans isn't important,” continued Sebastian.

 

Mark smiled and reached over to rest his hand reassuringly on Seb's.

“I know mate, it's fine. Not everyone appreciates motorsport like we do.”

“Because you know how amazing I think it is that you won.”

“ _Seb._ ”

Mark took a hold of his hand and squeezed it.

“It's fine. You're right. Let's look for the positive. It's good publicity for Porsche. A damn sight better that picture being accompanied by the word 'congratulated' than 'commiserated'.”

 

He shot Sebastian a smile and was glad to get one in return.

“True.”

Seb squeezed Mark's hand back.

“You know I'd love you just as much if you hadn't won, right?”

Mark laughed. “Yeah mate, I do in fact know that.”

“Okay, well let's forget it for now can we?” requested Sebastian, not wanting Mark's happiness at his win to be affected.

“Yeah, let's do that.”

 

 

Mark dumped the paper back onto another table just as the middle-aged woman that they knew was the coffee shop proprietress came out from the back and rapidly made up for lost time by bringing over their usual coffees without taking an order.

Placing them on the table she apologised for the delay as Mark and Seb saw the waitress emerge from the back with a stack of clean cups that she started arranging behind the counter.

“Very good to see you again,” noted the manager. “It's been a while.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark, not really wanting to get into why they had been absent from their usual routine.

“Well it's nice to see you back. I was getting worried I'd lost some of my regulars,” she smiled.

“We've been away,” excused Sebastian.

“Yes indeed.”

The manager glanced back back over at the newspaper.

“Congratulations by the way. Please accept these on the house,” she offered.

 

Mark looked up at her, a little surprised. But of course she had to have seen all the coverage in the papers even if she wasn't speaking to them any differently to how she did normally.

“Oh, umm, thanks,” he replied, not wishing to seem rude.

“Well, like I say it's nice to see you back, I need to keep my regulars.”

Seb smiled back, grateful that she was being so friendly.

“I think good regulars pay for their coffee,” he joked, thinking that a small place like this probably didn't make a lot of money.

“Ha, well if I really needed the income I could just call up the papers and tell them that you're here,” she joked.

 

Mark and Seb looked up at her, slightly stunned at what she had said, and her face fell.

“Oh I'm joking. I'd never do that. Sorry, that was a bad joke,” she apologised, clearly feeling bad at her misjudgment, and the two of them relaxed.

“I'm sorry, I know you must have had a rough time of it. I certainly don't want that mob back in here demanding exotic frappés and leaving crumbs all over the place.”

She shook her head disapprovingly.

“No manners at all.”

Mark coughed a laugh at her priorities.

“ _Londoners_ ,” she commented darkly, clearly meaning it as the worst kind of rebuke.

“You're not going to shop us to the press then?” ventured Mark, seeing that clearly wasn't likely.

“No of course not, I was only joking, sorry. Besides if I was going to do that, I could have done it a year ago couldn't I?” she smiled.

 

The two of them stared at her and Seb's jaw dropped.

“You knew who we were all along?” asked Mark in a shocked voice.

She shrugged. “Well like I say, if I don't know my regulars...”

Sebastian gawked at her some more before asking without even consciously meaning to.

“You knew we were together?”

“None of my business dear,” she dismissed and Mark smiled, knowing that meant yes. She must have witnessed any amount of sitting closely together, hand touching and unconscious gestures of affection between the two of them while their guard was down over the past six months and doubtless long before that.

Seb looked over at the young waitress behind the counter who was clearly watching them until she realised she had been spotted and started busily cleaning the coffee machine to disguise the fact that she had been paying them any attention.

 

The owner followed Seb's gaze and smiled as she looked back at him, leaning in slightly to speak more quietly.

“Oh Kirsty wouldn't have known who you were before all this unless you'd taken to eating whitchetty grubs in the jungle. Racing cars aren't quite her area of interest.”

Mark coughed another laugh and shook his head. People really could surprise you.

Sebastian got up and surprised the owner himself by giving her a spontaneous hug of gratitude. She responded by giving him a little pat on the arm.

“You'll be getting free coffee every time if you go on like that,” she joked.

Seb sat himself back down and Mark grinned at him.

“Anyway, don't let those drinks go cold,” she instructed and walked away to find something constructive to do.

 

Mark was still grinning at Sebastian. He shook his head a little and shrugged.

“Free coffee. I always knew I liked this place for a reason.”

 

Seb smiled back and sipped his drink thinking that the world was a strange place. On the surface everybody looked pretty much the same, but you never knew from the surface whether they would be cruel or kind.

That man on Friday night had chosen to be mean and hurtful for no reason other than he could.

This woman had chosen to be kind and keep their secret with the only apparent motivation the continued price of a couple of coffees that they drank on their visits. He knew it wasn't even really that, she had kept her knowledge of who they were and what was going on between them to herself simply because she thought it was the right thing to do.

People really could surprise you and the most surprising part was that the surprise wasn't always bad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following day Mark and Sebastian were sat around at the airport once again waiting for their flights. It was 'flights' plural unfortunately because Mark had been asked to attend a hastily arranged follow up to Porsche's victory at Le Mans in Stuttgart with an evening 'celebration' at the museum that was really about pressing the flesh to promote the brand, and time at the factory the next day to thank the team there for all their hard work. Needless to say, Mark was more looking forward to the latter than the former. He would rather the event fell at a different time so that Seb didn't have to head off to Austria on his own, but it couldn't be helped and it was at least good to know that the team were considering him worthy of promoting.

 

As Seb's flight was called they both stood up and exchanged a firm hug before parting.

“I'll see you tomorrow night then, yeah?” reminded Mark.

Seb nodded.

“You'll be alright won't you?” checked Mark.

“I'll be fine, of course I will. It's only one night. It's good that they're making the most of it. Enjoy yourself and say hi to Jense for me.”

Sebastian tried to make sure he sounded as solid as possible. He really did want Mark to be able to enjoy his success, even if it did feel a bit strange to be going off on his own.

“Will do. You'd better go.”

Sebastian shouldered his bag and was about to stride off towards his gate when he paused and moved back in to give Mark a kiss on the cheek. Mark smiled and returned the gesture, knowing that Seb didn't really want to leave him. Not that he did either, but it was only one night apart, surely they could cope with that?

“Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”

 

Seb walked off down the hall without looking back. It was ridiculous to be so bothered about being separated for such a short time. He really needed to toughen up. There were going to be times when they would have to be away from each other as the season progressed, there was no way around it. It was simply the fact that tonight would be the first night that they had spent apart in two months that made it hard. They'd survived far worse than that before.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark stood sipping a glass of water as he politely chatted to some backers at the gathering hosted by Porsche on the Wednesday night. Given that he wasn't going to be driving any time soon he could have had one of the proper drinks being handed out by the waiters floating around the room, but he thought that in this setting it was better that he kept his brain sharp. Tonight was important to him as a means to proving how Porsche could rely on him to play the game and be a good representative of the brand. A couple of drinks and a slip up and his sharp tongue could land him in trouble he could ill afford these days.

 

He'd had a nice catch up with his team-mates earlier but now they had been farmed out to talk to the wandering little groups in the grand setting of the Porsche museum, the classic cars showing off their heritage as the drivers were meant to represent their present success and optimistic future. The PR team were carefully wending their way around the room, guiding them on to speak to other groups, explaining who they were so that each driver was prepared to talk to them.

 

Mark had been doing this kind of thing for years and it was no great challenge to him. The atmosphere was convivial and those present were only too happy to be entertained and be made to feel as though they were special guests in a privileged setting. He had spent the last hour being congratulated by people while he happily praised the team and the great car he had driven to victory. It was hardly the most arduous of duties to put on a suit and tidy himself up for an evening.

He was just getting a moment to himself between duties, wondering if he might slip out to ostensibly visit the bathroom so he could text Seb to see how he was doing when Andreas approached him and Mark knew that he would have to put that off.

 

“How are you getting on?” checked Andreas.

“Good mate I think, yeah,” replied Mark.

In truth he considered this all to be rather dull business, but it was a harmless enough job that needed doing and nobody was asking him to say anything he didn't want to. He'd laughed earlier in the evening when Jenson had noted that they drove the cars for free but got paid the big bucks for sucking up to the money men. It wasn't a million miles from the truth.

 

“Good, good. Jenson tells me that you're straight off to Austria tomorrow,” recounted Andreas.

“Yes that's right.”

Mark considered asking Andreas if he had a problem with it, but he had no cause to accuse Andreas of being unsupportive after the past week.

Andreas simply nodded and Mark wondered whether he really was making polite conversation or if he was trying to work up to making a point.

Mark was about to say something when Andreas looked over to the corner of the room where the Porsche's CEO was holding court.

“Have you spoken with Matthias tonight?” he asked.

Mark was intrigued.

“Well I saw him earlier,” offered Mark.

 

The chairman had given a little welcoming speech at the start of the evening, praising the success of the team in Le Mans and Mark had been stood with Timo and Brendon, placed as a trio to the side so that he could point them out to their guests. When their boss had finished speaking he had gone over to the group to shake their hands to congratulate them but he had moved on after that to entertain some of the more important attendees.

 

“Mm, okay, well do me a favour will you? When Heidi moves that next group on, go and say hello.”

Mark frowned at the odd request.

“Just say hello?”

“Well, I'm sure he'll have something to say about the race, so just have a chat about it and how things are going with the team. I'm sure you can think of something nice to say,” Andreas requested obliquely.

“Umm, sure,” agreed Mark, still wondering what this was about. He wasn't feeling terribly well disposed towards the board after their attitude had become clear towards him and Sebastian being together.

“Just keep it to that,” continued Andreas.

 

Mark looked at him. Clearly his team principal had a motive for asking him to do this.

“What's this about?” asked Mark.

Andreas hesitated before answering.

“I just need you to play the game a bit Mark. Keep it business.”

The penny dropped.

“Not personal?” intuited Mark.

“Well...”

Mark shook his head.

“You don't really think I'd march over there and ask him what his problem was with my boyfriend?”

 

Andreas gave him a look.

“No Mark I don't. Just go over and remind him that you're a professional.”

Mark was sorely tempted to ask why he would need reminding that was the case, but he held himself back.

“Besides,” added Andreas. “I never said he was one who had a problem with it.”

“Hmm.”

 

Mark though darkly that as CEO, Matthias Müller had huge sway. If he had been in their favour it was unlikely that others would have pushed for him to be told that they were uncomfortable with Seb being with him at Le Mans.

Then he realised that was precisely what Andreas was getting at: Go show the most influential person in the company that he was an uncomplicated company man, willing to play the role, and importantly now part of the successful team that had brought Porsche such a prestigious win.

 

“Okay, sure. I can do that,” confirmed Mark.

Andreas nodded, relaxing as he saw that Mark seemed to have understood what he was getting at.

“Great. Okay well I think now's your moment,” he prompted.

 

 

Mark nodded back and headed over to lurk to the side of the group, casually having a drink as though he was still just taking a moment out, when the PR girl moved the current group of investors and business partners on and Mark 'accidentally' found himself in his boss's line of vision.

Porsche's president stepped forwards.

“Mark.”

Mark looked up from his drink as if surprised.

“Hello.”

The company president took a sip of his drink and Mark wondered if he too was glad of a moment where he wasn't having to perform for their guests.

 

“Are you having a good evening?” asked his boss politely.

“Yes thank you. It's nice to have something to celebrate.”

Mark paused for half a second before continuing.

“If I'm honest though, I'm rather more looking forward to tomorrow. I'll be glad of the chance to properly say thank you to the guys at the factory.”

His boss smiled, clearly liking what he heard.

“Quite so. I'm sure that they will be glad to see you all in return.”

Mark nodded. “I think we're all aware how much work has gone into this.”

He glanced over at the victorious LMP1 car that had been brought into the museum to be displayed in pride of place.

“Yes of course and a good many years planning before that. The whole company is pleased to see Porsche return to winning at Le Mans,” informed Matthias.

“The team did an excellent job,” praised Mark. “I'm very happy to have had the chance to be a part of that.”

 

The president nodded and took a sip of his drink.

“You three did an excellent job as well. None of us underestimate the challenge of the twenty-four hour race.”

Mark raised up his glass.

“Well thank you.”

“Hopefully we shall see that continue as the season progresses,” added Matthias.

“Yes indeed.”

 

Mark nodded, starting to wonder what on earth he was meant to say next. Making small talk with your biggest boss wasn't the easiest task. He was relieved when Andreas appeared at his elbow.

“Hello,” greeted Andreas, gaining welcoming nods from the other two.

“Mark was just telling me he was looking forward to going into the factory tomorrow,” noted Matthias.

“Ah yes. Well I'm sure all the drivers are,” Andreas added.

“They've built a hell of car,” complimented Mark.

Andreas smiled at Mark's turn of phrase.

“They really have. We just need to work on getting them all across the line and we might just have cracked this business,” he joked.

 

Mark gave a little acknowledging nod of the head.

“Don't take this the wrong way, but I think Jenson is particularly keen to thank all the people who built us such a tough machine.”

He wondered if by highlighting that the #14 car had crashed out of the race he was doing the wrong thing, but seeing as he had started, Mark continued.

“I know some might not see that as something to focus on, but I've got to tell you; there's not a racing driver out there who won't go faster for knowing they're in a safe car.”

Andreas smiled at Mark making such a positive out of a negative and decided that this would be a good time to take over.

“Quite so Mark. As you showed by hanging it all out there at the end.”

“Yes that was real a grandstand finish,” agreed Matthias. “I admit I was on the edge of my seat watching at home. I'm pleased that we managed to arrange this opportunity to celebrate that success.”

Mark inclined his glass in thanks.

“Likewise, and I think we're all glad of the chance to show our appreciation to be given that opportunity.”

“Well said Mark,” noted Andreas. “True for us all. Well I'm sorry to drag you away from this, but Oliver was looking for you to speak to a few people.”

Mark realised that he was being dismissed and made a polite exit as he headed off, trying not to think too much about what Andreas was going to say now that he was gone.

 

 

Andreas stood and sipped his drink for a moment before picking things up.

“You know it really was a remarkable victory. I've sat with the engineers and we've run the data through every scenario and each time the numbers tell us that the best result we should have had after that last hour was second.”

Matthias lowered his drink and examined him.

“Numbers can't tell you everything,” he countered.

“No they can't. They can tell you about the car, the tyres, the engine, even the weather, but they can't tell you about the driver behind the wheel,” Andreas expounded.

“You're talking about Mark.”

“I am.” Andreas shrugged. “I can't tell you whether Timo or Brendon, or even one of the other drivers could have pulled that off in the end. I can only tell you that Mark did when there's no way he should have done.”

 

Matthias gave a slight shake of his head.

“I've no doubts about Mark's value as a driver.”

“Just as representative of Porsche?” dared Andreas, knowing that he was pushing here.

“I have no doubts that Mark is doing an excellent job representing us tonight either,” offered Matthias firmly, knowing where this discussion was going.

“I have no problem personally with Mark,” he continued. “All that... It's not personal...”

Andreas pressed on. “Mark did a great job for us all week. He did exactly what was asked of him, as I have to say did Sebastian.”

Matthias looked at him. “You spoke to him?”

“Not about that. Not to Seb, I didn't need to. He's a professional too.”

“Hmm, I saw him give that interview in the garage. Was that you?” inquired Matthias.

Andreas shook his head. “No they just found him. He said all the right things though didn't he?”

 

Matthias gave a tip of his head, conceding that was correct. Sebastian had given out the perfect company line when asked. He couldn't fault him on that. Indeed despite all their fears, there had been nothing to find fault with anything that had occurred in the garage between Mark and Sebastian.

The cameras had picked them out with a rather obvious frequency and commentators had referred to Sebastian as Mark's partner which took some getting used to, but they had had nothing exciting to report other than the fact that Seb was clearly highly involved in watching the race unfold as he had devotedly sat in place at the rear of the garage through day and night. Even as his most judgemental, Matthias struggled to come up with anything to criticise there.

 

“It was their picture that made all the front pages though wasn't it?” noted Matthias.

Andreas coughed a laugh.

“Yes. All the front pages. Pretty much everywhere. Porsche winning Le Mans on pretty much all the front pages around the world. You're not telling me that the board have a problem with that?”

Matthias sighed. “The Porsche car winning Le Mans wasn't the picture they ran on the front pages.”

Andreas restrained himself from rolling his eyes.

“Forgive me, but that picture was never going to make all the front pages. A few, maybe, but never all. Mark got us that win, and Mark got us all those front pages. I appreciate that not everyone on the board is comfortable with that, but Mark represents us and I think he is doing a very good job of it.”

 

Matthias let out a small sigh. Nothing Andreas had said was untrue, it still didn't make the matter easy.

“No I agree.”

“You agree?” Andreas tried not to sound too surprised.

“Yes. I fully appreciate that Mark is doing a good job. This issue remains that the publicity is focussed on his personal life.”

“Not the publicity he does for us,” disagreed Andreas.

“No,” conceded Matthias. “I accept that. But not everyone will.”

Andreas shrugged. “So what are you saying?”

“Oh I don't know. We're pleased with the win. Let that sink in for a while and the board may start to come to terms with the rest of it.”

 

'Come to terms' thought Andreas, as if one of their drivers had been revealed to be have some terrible affliction.

Matthias saw the look on his face and continued.

“You'll never convince all of them that one of our drivers embracing his boyfriend at the end of the race is the image they want to project of our brand, but if it is at the end of winning that race they're going to have rather less of an issue with it.”

Andreas let out a little huff. “And if he's not winning?”

“Then it doesn't make the front pages. At least that's the hope.”

 

Andreas didn't need much help to see the implication in that statement; Aside from winning races, they didn't want to see Porsche's name getting attention in connection with Mark's relationship with Sebastian.

“Well there's only so much they can influence that.”

Matthias nodded.

“Yes I know. So for now let us assume that as time goes by the novelty will wear off for the press and the board will gradually get used to the brave new world we live in.”

 

Andreas wondered if that was his boss's attempt at a joke, so he offered a smile hoping that might actually be what was going to happen. He could more aptly put it that the members of the board just needed to get over it, but that probably wouldn't go down too well.

 

“In the meantime it would be a fair prediction that they could live with Mark pulling off a few more impossible wins in future,” finished his boss.

Andreas raised his glass and nodded, knowing it was the best he could get for now. He hardly thought it fair that someone should suggest that Mark be allowed to hug his partner only on condition that he had presented Porsche with another win against all odds, but if he could just keep feeding through positives to the board, then perhaps, just perhaps, Andreas thought that he might be able to wear them down into accepting a driver who might not fit into their preconceived notions of what they thought ought to represent them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood in the bathroom in his hotel. He was just about to jump in the shower after a long day when he heard a noise in the next room and grabbed a towel to wrap around himself before going back through to see what it was.

 

“Mark!”

Mark only had time to ditch his bags on the floor before taking the impact of Sebastian flinging himself at him. He grinned and hugged Seb back.

“Did you miss me then?” Mark teased.

Seb moved back slightly, still leaving his arms around Mark's neck, not wanting to let go of him.

“Yes. Didn't you?”

Mark leant in and kissed him happily.

“Course I did.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I spent all last night hobnobbing with those boring money men and I was thinking of you.”

Sebastian was looking up at him with those beautiful blue eyes, reminding Mark just how much he had missed them, but he couldn't resist teasing him.

“Were you?”

“Mm, I thought; 'I wish Seb was here...'

Mark paused, hiding a grin.

“'...doing this instead of me.'”

 

Seb pulled away and pushed him in the arm.

“Git.”

Mark was laughing too hard for Sebastian not to join in.

“You're not very nice,” complained Seb, trying reasonably hard to disguise his smile.

 

Mark was still laughing, happy to be back together with Seb even though it had been only two days and one night apart. Thirty-two hours away from him. How Mark had missed having someone to tease and laugh along with in that time. Jenson was fun, but he wasn't Seb. Definitely not the same thing at all.

 

“I am. I'm very nice. You've just said how much you missed me.”

“Hmm,” agreed Sebastian reproachfully, not letting Mark off the hook quite that easily.

 

Mark couldn't help it. Sebastian stood there pouting at him, dressed only in what was frankly a very small towel, was too much to resist after being away from him for what felt like an extremely long time. He pulled Seb back closer and kissed him properly for a few moments.

 

“Mmm,” Mark sighed happily. “I _did_ miss you.”

Seb had long forgotten Mark's teasing and was pressed tightly against him as Mark kept his arms resting around Seb's lower back.

 

“How did it go then?” queried Sebastian.

“Hmm, oh fine, yeah, can't hurt to keep in their good books and it was nice to say thank you to all the guys.”

Seb nodded.

“Everything okay here?” checked Mark.

“Not too bad. A lot of the press asked where you were today,” Seb recalled.

“Did they?”

Mark hoped that they hadn't been giving Sebastian a hard time.

“Yeah, but I told them all you were busy in Stuttgart following your amazing win at Le Mans, so it's okay.”

“Good stuff.”

 

Mark smiled and wondered how many times Sebastian had got that into conversation today.

The truth was that at one point Britta had been forced to remind Seb that he was supposed to be promoting RedBull and not Porsche, but Seb didn't care, he had 'accidentally' dropped onto the subject in almost every interview he had done. He couldn't help sounding just as proud of Mark as he was.

 

“Think the team have got some stuff lined up for you tomorrow, so you'll be kept busy,” explained Seb.

“Ah well, that's okay. Keeps me out of trouble,” accepted Mark.

 

Sebastian was just smiling up at him contentedly. Mark smiled back down at Seb thinking he didn't care how much shilling out of PR lines this week involved as long as he got this too. He looked further on down and grinned.

 

“Speaking of trouble...”

“Hmm?”

Seb looked innocently at him.

“You seem to be having some difficulty with that towel,” smiled Mark.

 

Sebastian glanced down and realised that he hadn't secured it very firmly. He took the tiniest of steps backwards and the movement confirmed that fact.

 

“Oh dear.”

Seb and Mark looked at the little white towel which had tragically fallen to the floor.

“You know this room has a really big shower.”

“Does it mate? That's interesting.”

Mark forced his gaze back up to meet Sebastian's.

“Shall I show you?” asked Seb.

Mark was grinning by now.

“I think you should,” he concurred.

 

Sebastian smiled and took Mark's hand to lead him through. They really had missed each other a lot in those thirty-two hours. They had some time to make up and neither one of them wanted to waste a moment getting right to it.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This sort of thing at the end is responsible for me smiling to myself for no apparent reason in public. I'm sure people must think I'm weird...


	51. Not Her Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a little piece that I think qualifies as a vignette. 
> 
> I've been writing this story for exactly 6 months now, and it was never meant to be this huge.  
> So thanks for sticking with me, I've still got plenty to get through!

 

 

 

Sebastian sat on the sofa at home with all his notes spread out on the coffee table in front of him. He had printed them off in Mark's study from the email he had been sent by the team to help him concentrate on the dense information included in them so that he was properly prepared when he went into the factory later in the week.

The race in Austria hadn't been terrible, but it hadn't been great either. Fifth from a starting place of p6 was nothing to write home about, but at least he had done better than Dan who had lost the advantage of his third place qualifying when he had got too close to Massa's Williams in the first corner and crashed out before the race had really even got started. Not like Dan at all, but these things happen and at least they were both okay and the only real bruises to their ego. Seb reflected that RedBull's investment in their home track had seemed almost jinxed from the off last year and showed no sign of improving.

 

He had been glad that Mark had been with him, not that he wasn't always, but particularly at the RedBull Ring which had such difficult memories for Seb. Mark had tried to persuade him that he should remember it as the place where he had faced off with Heikki and won, ridding himself of his threat for good, which made sense, but wasn't easy.

Sebastian worried every now and then that Heikki could still come out of the darkness to take his revenge, and all of Mark's countering logic about why he wouldn't want to do that wasn't quite enough to make Seb's fear entirely disappear. He knew it did no good to think that way though and if he let his concerns about Heikki take over it would be a way of letting him win and Sebastian knew he couldn't let that happen, so he pushed all that as far away from his mind as he could.

 

Instead he had concentrated on the business at hand of racing and working on behalf of the team to promote the team and the brand. When things got away from him a little or the media were proving a bit too much, Seb distracted himself by remembering how wonderful it was that Mark had just won Le Mans and how lucky he was that Mark was there with him. Things weren't always easy now, but they were so much better than they had been a year ago.

So put the past behind and look ahead. That was what Sebastian was doing now. He was analysing what had worked and what hadn't in the race and working on seeing how they could improve for Silverstone. That was a nice thought anyway; the next race was practically on their doorstep and they wouldn't need to trek off to airports or stay in hotels. They would be able to wake up at home and then drive the short distance to the track, before coming home again in the evening. If only all races could be so simple.

 

 

 

 

Seb heard a noise and turned, expecting to see Mark, but there was a knock on the door that opened moments later revealing Pauline.

“Oh hello,” greeted Sebastian.

“Hello Seb dear, Mark not about?” asked their housekeeper.

“Oh he's fiddling with his bike in the garage,” explained Seb.

“Is it broken?”

Seb smiled. “He just likes messing about with it.”

Pauline nodded, thinking that sounded about right. Mark had better not come in and put his oily hands on her nicely cleaned kitchen later.

 

Seb pushed himself up off the couch.

“I'll get the dogs out of your way,” he offered.

Pauline headed into the kitchen with Sebastian following. He shooed the dogs through into the lounge to keep him company and to stop them from walking all over the kitchen floor while it was being mopped, then made himself a cup of tea to keep himself going through his work.

“Do you want a cup of tea too?” checked Sebastian.

“No I'm fine dear. You get on,” dismissed Pauline and Seb left her to it.

 

 

 

Pauline dug around under the sink for her cleaning products and had a little tidy up before she set to work wiping down all the surfaces. Seb was a nice young man, she thought, always very polite and thoughtful. He seemed to be a pretty much permanent fixture here again now, at least as much as Mark was, given the amount of travelling they had to do for their work. She had no idea what had really been going on over the past year and a half to get them here.

At least Mark had someone now. All those years of rattling around this big old place on his own with only the dogs for company had been no good. He seemed happy now. They both did. Sebastian was still more restrained in her company than Mark was, but perhaps it was just the contrast with Mark's open and easy-going personality that made him seem quieter to Pauline. He was certainly much better than he had been when she had first met him.

 

On her first encounter with Sebastian eighteen months ago, Pauline hadn't initially recognised him as the outgoing, championship winning driver who she had seen on television as her employer's team-mate.

When she had come over early in the new year Mark had explained that he had a friend who would be staying for a while and Pauline had seen a young man sitting in the lounge as she walked through the hall to the kitchen. Mark had closed the door saying she needn't bother with hoovering today, but as he had done so the man had turned to look in their direction and Pauline had quite clearly seen that he had a black eye. Mark had brushed past the issue, merely saying that it was long story and Pauline hadn't pressed him. It wasn't her place to intrude on whatever was going on.

 

The next time she had come round Pauline had walked in on Sebastian in the kitchen unawares and had been shocked to see that not only did he have a fading but still nasty bruise around his eye, but his arms that were exposed in the t-shirt he was wearing were also covered in bruises. Seb had rapidly pulled on a hoody, mumbled something and left the room, leaving Pauline wondering what on earth the story was there. The young man had been hurt and seemed afraid to even look at her. She couldn't ask what had happened, but something was obviously very wrong.

He was wearing Mark's clothes though they were too big for him and he seemed very introverted and far younger than she thought he must be. Although she knew that it was none of her business, it was impossible for Pauline to ignore the fact that something horrible must have gone on and he was clearly upset by it. She wondered why he had no family to turn to and the thought made her terribly sad.

 

Mark had told her that Sebastian just needed a place to stay for a while and Pauline couldn't help but think that it reminded her of the way Mark had brought those puppies home from the animal rescue centre a few years ago.

 

 

 

 

As the weeks passed Seb still seemed quiet, even though he looked a little better, if in Pauline's eyes rather too thin. He barely spoke to Pauline and seemed to be Mark's shadow, hanging about in the background.

When Mark had sent her a message asking Pauline to meet Seb at his house while he was away and to give him the spare set of keys, Pauline hadn't questioned it. It wasn't her place to inquire whether the fact that Sebastian had a suitcase with him meant that he was permanently moving in or not.

 

It wasn't her place to wonder too much about which bed had been slept in and by whom. It wasn't her place to ask why Sebastian moved out and then back and then out again or why he seemed to be at Mark's just as frequently when he was supposed to have moved out, apparently still retaining that key.

 

She never considered it her business to pry into quite what the status of their relationship was. Pauline was only pleased to see Mark finally had someone that he clearly cared for and gave him purpose in life. As time went by and Sebastian gradually relaxed enough in her company to speak to Pauline properly, she discovered what a sweet boy he was, even if he still seemed sometimes withdrawn into himself and remained almost as much Mark's shadow as he had been at the start.

 

 

 

 

Pauline had known from the off what a nice young man her employer was. When she had first come to work for Mark she had joked that a good-looking lad like him ought to have no trouble finding himself a wife to help him take care of this place, only for Mark to tactfully explain that a wife was never going to be in prospect. She had been embarrassed at her blunder initially, but soon forgot about that and began to wonder why Mark seemed to have no other prospects to keep him company.

Once he finally had someone, Pauline had been very tempted to ask why Mark had let him walk away when Sebastian had been beginning to finally bloom while he had been under Mark's wing. Perhaps things were more complicated than they appeared on the surface? It wasn't her place to ask.

 

 

Since this new year Pauline had made no comment on the fact that although Sebastian seemed to be a constant presence again, the spare bedroom was now definitely no longer occupied. Whatever problems that lurked in the background seemed to have faded and they must have moved on at last. Both Sebastian and Mark had finally seemed happy and Pauline hadn't needed to ask anything to know how much things had changed. They weren't usually obviously demonstrative in her company, but the level of affection between the two was unmistakable and it made Pauline smile to see it.

Given the amount that they were away with work, Pauline was used to the house sometimes being unoccupied, but it had actually come as a surprise one day earlier in the year when Seb had referred to 'his' house. Pauline wondered why Sebastian still kept it when he must barely see the place, but it wasn't down to her to make those kind of judgements, no doubt money was not a factor. If Sebastian wanted to pay for a house he hardly ever seemed to stay in that was his choice.

 

The only time she knew that they had used Sebastian's house for any length of time had been following the absurd fuss that took place after their relationship came to light a month ago.

The incident in Monaco wasn't the first time that Pauline had witnessed the pair kissing. Some months ago she had walked into the kitchen to find them locked in a tight embrace and had been amused to see how pink poor Seb had turned when she had apologised for failing to announce her presence. These days Pauline made sure that she always knocked if a door was shut, just in case.

It was a hazard of working in other people's homes and not the sole occasion that she had encountered it, only perhaps slightly more of an issue here because of the way that their professions were not of the nine to five variety, meaning that if they weren't actually out of the country, Seb and Mark were far more likely to be at home in the middle of the morning when Pauline came round.

 

 

For now they seemed to have reverted to staying more or less permanently here, which was of course none of her business, but she thought it was a good thing. The house seemed a happier place when they were there. Not that houses should have emotions, but it _felt_ happier. Pauline was almost sure that the place seemed sad when they were away. Maybe it was just that the dogs were sad when Mark and Seb weren't here. Maybe it was her. She liked to come round to find the house properly occupied and a little bit of mess for her to tidy up. She liked to find Seb lounging about on the sofa and Mark keeping himself busy, or the two of them sitting drinking tea and petting the dogs. She liked to come over and find that the house was a home.

 

 

It was ridiculous that the press had managed to push them out of their own home like that. Mark had sent her a message telling Pauline to take the week off, but she had driven by the house anyway just to see that everything was alright. There were a few people hanging around in the lane that Pauline presumed were reporters of some kind. She had been tempted to call the police to report suspicious characters hanging about watching an unoccupied property, but decided that had the potential to cause only more trouble.

 

Pauline had been tempted to get out of the car and set those reporters straight about what she had read in the papers describing people she didn't recognise as the nice young couple who had finally made the house she looked after into a home.

She had been tempted to tell them that they were threatening the happiness of two people who had done nothing to deserve such intrusion, whom she had watched be transformed from individuals who each carried burdens she knew existed, but never asked about, into the pair that were so contentedly absorbed in one another they didn't even notice her walking into the room.

 

Pauline wanted to tell them they had no business trying to undermine a relationship that had taken so long to finally emerge into the light when it had come from such darkness, when it had been such a difficult path they had fought their way through to get there.

Pauline wanted to tell those reporters that she had seen a frightened and fragile boy who could hardly look her in the eye, grow into someone who had changed the isolated young man far from home whose best friends were his dogs and saved such a big heart from going to waste. She wanted to tell them that seeing such an unexpected and tender relationship unfold had unaccountably made her happier than she could say.

 

She wanted to tell them that she had seen for herself that it was the people themselves that mattered; _Who_ and not _what_ they were that determined whether they were meant to be together and that they were as wrong in their assumptions about what constituted a 'normal' partnership as she had been when she had suggested to Mark that he ought to find himself a wife.

It had taken Pauline longer than it ought have done to realise that normal was just what you chose to make it, and that when she saw Mark and Sebastian together they were just about the happiest, most normal couple she knew and without doubt the most obviously in love with one another.

 

She was tempted to tell the press all these things, but it wasn't her place. So she had driven on, tempted just to run a few of them over on her way.

 

 

 

 

Pauline was tempted to tell Sebastian what she had been thinking about while she was working when he came back through to rinse out his mug, but she didn't. She put the mug back in the cupboard and didn't say a word. It wasn't her place.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this counts as my little Christmas card to you all. 
> 
> May every one of you have a lovely time and may the campbed of your dishiest visiting friend collapse at the right moment so you are gifted your own Christmas miracle.


	52. Paper Cuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks, hope you all had a lovely Christmas & New Year. Mine was pretty frantic with working & family stuff too, but I still managed to fit in a bit of writing (seeing as it's my addiction). Hope some of you have sufficiently recovered from any hangovers to still be able to read.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Mark was upstairs when he heard a car on the drive and headed downstairs to greet Seb coming back from his day at the factory, but as soon as Sebastian got into the hall Mark could see that something was wrong.

 

He frowned at him. “Seb, what is it?”

Sebastian's face was taut with distress. He didn't think he could speak so he merely shook his head unhappily. He looked at the floor, knowing that if he looked at Mark he would crack and start crying.

“Seb?”

 

Mark was really worried now. He stepped in closer and placed his hand on Sebastian's arm, trying to reach him, but Seb just slumped his head into Mark's shoulder and Mark could do nothing but wrap his arms around him and try to take his weight as he felt Seb sag against him.

“What's happened?”

He got nothing back other than the sound of sharp breaths being taken and Mark felt Seb's chest moving rapidly against his own. Mark squeezed Sebastian tighter and rubbed at his back trying to calm him.

“Hey come on, what is it?”

 

He wondered what could have gone on at the factory to have upset Seb. The team had really been very good with both of them over everything. Mark couldn't think what might have happened. He considered darkly whether Helmut Marko had been there today. He always seemed to have a knack of undermining those he ought to be supporting.

“Whatever it is it can't be that bad mate okay?”

Mark was still getting no response and Sebastian's breathing worried him, knowing how Seb could work himself up into such a state he could have panic attacks. He rubbed Seb's back and tried to sooth him.

“It'll be alright. Just take some nice slow breaths for me, okay, nice and slow,” he coaxed, while keeping his strokes of Seb's back slow and taking deep slow breaths himself to encourage Sebastian to mirror him as he held him. After a minute or two Mark felt this starting to work and he laid his head in against Sebastian's, staying like that for a few minutes, whispering soothing words into his ear. Eventually he felt Seb take an extra deep breath and Mark pulled away fractionally. He tried to look at Sebastian, but his head was still down, so Mark put a finger under his chin and gently tried to raise it up to look at him. He tipped his head to the side to look at Seb whose gaze was still turned down.

 

“Won't you tell me what's happened so I can try to help?” Mark tried.

Seb swallowed and finally looked him in the eye. It took another moment before Sebastian could finally form words.

“It's... there's something... in the papers... I can't...”

 

He took a shuddery breath in and Mark sighed, knowing he was still too upset to talk. He rubbed Sebastian's arm.

“It's alright. Come on, come and sit down.”

 

Mark took a hold of his arm and lead Seb through into the lounge. As they reached the sofa Mark stopped and gave him another little squeeze and kissed his temple. Sebastian pressed himself so tight into Mark he clearly didn't want to let go, so as Mark sat he pulled Seb into his lap and Sebastian slid his arms around Mark's neck before burying his head into the crook of Mark's shoulder. Mark kept his arms around him, knowing Sebastian needed the comfort of physical contact. Seb wasn't ready yet to communicate in any other way, so he held on to him until he was.

 

 

Sebastian lost himself in the feeling of being enveloped completely by Mark, held in his strong warm arms and breathed him in. He wanted to stay like this until the world went away. He felt so humiliated and ashamed. Seb hardly knew how he had got back here, the only thought in his mind that he needed to be home and with Mark.

Mark wasn't pressing him for explanation any more, he was just giving Seb space to recover himself. After a while Sebastian thought he might be able to finally tell him. He knew Mark must be worried and it wasn't fair to leave him in the dark like that. Sebastian forced himself to sit up a little, but as he looked at Mark's concerned expression Seb felt terrible, as though he didn't deserve someone loving him that much and the thought undid Seb and he burst into tears.

 

“Oh Seb.”

Mark shook his head and sighed at seeing him this way. He couldn't stand seeing Seb so upset. He reached up a hand and brushed away the tears as they fell.

“Shh, it's alright mate, shh, don't cry.”

He didn't want to think what could be in the press that could have upset Sebastian so badly.

“Don't let them do this to you Seb. Don't cry sweetheart, it's alright.”

Mark was close to tears himself, he hardly knew what to say. He couldn't bare it. He needed to know what the problem was so he could try to help, but Seb was lost to his distress. Mark had seen it too many times before and knew how Seb could get trapped in a destructive downwards cycle of suffering. He couldn't force him to break out of it, only encourage Seb to try to slow and remind him that he was safe to stop him falling too far and that he would come out the other side with Mark there for him.

He moved so that one hand held onto Sebastian, wrapping his arm around him to keep Seb tight in and with the other he tucked Seb's head back into his shoulder and let Seb cry it out.

 

Something in the press. Something horrible and hurtful. Something that had done this to his Seb. It made Mark angry that they could do that and not care at all about the affect it had. It was so wrong. Thinking that did nothing to help though, so Mark pushed away his anger and concentrated only on Seb. He rubbed gentle circles on his back and slowly felt him settle. He didn't do anything to make him sit up or try to make him talk. Mark just gave him time until Sebastian was ready.

 

 

 

Eventually Sebastian pulled himself up again and Mark rested his hand against his cheek for a moment as he looked at him. Seb still looked so unhappy that Mark didn't want to make him go over what had caused that, but he had to know.

“Can you tell me?” Mark asked as gently as he could.

Seb a few deep breaths before he managed to speak.

“It was in the papers.”

Mark nodded, trying to encourage him to continue.

Sebastian took another breath in before carrying on but his head dipped once more. He couldn't even look Mark in the eye saying this, he felt so horrible about it.

Mark tipped his head further forward.

“What was in the papers? Is it that bad?”

 

He couldn't think what it could be. What was there to reveal about their relationship that could make Sebastian so upset?

Seb gave a tight nod.

“What is it?” Mark pressed.

Seb took another deep breath, trying to pull himself together. Mark shifted slightly to the side so that Sebastian could lean against the back of the sofa as they sat and bent forwards so that they could rest their foreheads together.

“Whatever it is, it'll be okay,” whispered Mark. “There's nothing that we can't make okay,” he promised, hoping that was true.

Seb gave himself one more minute before braving talking.

He knew he should be stronger, that seeing this in the press shouldn't have undone him so easily, but he couldn't help it.

 

He took another breath and moved back a little. Mark looked at him carefully.

“Do you want me to get you a drink of water?” checked Mark.

Seb shook his head. He knew he had to tell Mark. He took a steadying breath and slid his hand into Mark's, automatically getting the encouraging squeeze he needed.

“I'm sorry,” Sebastian gulped, knowing what a mess he was.

Mark shook his head slightly.

“You don't need to be sorry. Do you want to tell me what it is?”

Mark didn't want to force Seb talk about it if he didn't want to. He knew that would only distress him further and that was the last thing he wanted.

 

Seb closed his eyes and gathered himself for a moment before braving speaking.

“Britta called me over to her office. She had to tell me... there was a thing, in the paper, I can't remember which...”

“It doesn't matter,” assured Mark quietly, trying to ease him in.

Seb's face crumpled up as he remembered the utter mortification of sitting in an office in work being shown an article in the press about his past life.

Mark squeezed him with the arm he had kept around him and Seb tried to absorb that feeling of knowing that this was Mark. Just Mark. Mark who knew everything, every worst thing about his life and had never once judged him or made him feel bad about it. Mark who loved him.

“What did it say?” pushed Mark, knowing that Sebastian needed help to get this out.

 

“It was all over the paper, on the front and then more on inside...”

“You looked at it?” questioned Mark.

Seb nodded. “I wish I hadn't. I made Britta show me. It's my own fault.”

Mark shook his head slightly. “It doesn't matter now.”

Sebastian gave a fractional nod and continued.

“About when I was younger. There were all these men...” his voice cracked and his head fell further down, his face tightly screwed up on itself.

Seb forced himself to carry on speaking in order to get this out.

“It was saying all this stuff about when I was younger. What I did...” his voice caught but he carried on, “it made me sound so awful, like I was... like I had been... There were all these photos... I didn't even recognise them, so I don't know, but, but it was saying...”

 

Seb swallowed again unable to say the words, so Mark tried to help him.

“It said you had been with them?” Mark ventured, as tactfully as possible.

Sebastian nodded.

“I didn't even recognise them. I don't know. I don't even know if it was true or not. If they were the people or not. I don't remember. It was a long time ago and I was so stupid. I would drink and I didn't know what I was doing.”

 

Mark's chest felt tight seeing the pain that Seb was in. He rubbed his thumb against Seb's hand in his.

“I don't know it they were real. I don't remember. It was ten years ago,” Sebastian tried to explain.

“It doesn't matter,” he reassured.

Mark sighed. Ten years ago. Christ, Seb had been little more than a child then, hardly any older than Fabian.

“Seb you were just a kid.”

 

Mark felt horrible thinking about it. Sebastian had been so young. Far too young for the situations he had found himself in. When he had told him about it Mark had thought about how young Seb had seemed when he had first met him back when Mark had joined the RedBull stable, before Sebastian had even run in Formula One.

He had still been a teenager and the only thought that Mark had given Seb back then was what a kid he was, dismissing him with the thought that it would be ages before he was in F1 if he made it all, and this had been years before that. Far too young. Seb had been far too young for everything he had been through in life.

 

Mark rubbed Sebastian's arm, thinking he had an idea what he was talking about now.

“It was an article with people claiming they knew you from back then?” Mark suggested.

'Knew' was a polite way of putting it.

Sebastian looked at him, knowing that Mark was trying to be kind.

“It was saying I'd slept with all these men. It made me sound like, like...” Seb took an abrupt sharp intake of breath, “...like some stupid little whore.”

 

The words cut into Mark like a scalpel. He knew they weren't Sebastian's words. He knew precisely whose language that was.

“No Seb don't say that.”

Mark looked at him firmly.

“But I was...”

“No.”

Sebastian shook his head, trying very hard not to cry again.

“I was so stupid.”

 

He gulped a breath and Mark put his other arm back around Seb to hold him tighter.

“Seb you were young, too young. You were just a kid. You're right; You didn't know what you were doing. You were too young to be in those situations. Those men were taking advantage of you. You were just a kid...”

Mark wanted to cry at it. Sebastian had looked like a kid when he had first met him. How much younger had he looked a few years before then?

He stroked his hand back and forth along Sebastian's arm, calming himself down too with the motion.

“Seb don't talk about yourself like that, okay?”

 

He knew now why Sebastian was so distressed. The exposé was bad enough, but if they had spoken of him in that way; so denigrating and judgemental of what had happened to Seb when he was still a teenager, still under-age, still horribly vulnerable to exploitation, and put all the blame on him. Mark knew exactly where it would have taken Seb back to; Heikki. Heikki who had used all that to emphasise to Sebastian how worthless and ashamed he should feel about himself.

 

“I don't even know if they were real,” let out Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “That's not the point.”

“I didn't recognise them, but it was so long ago. I don't know if they were real or made up. There were...” Seb swallowed hard, “...there were men, back then...”

Mark sighed. He knew this. He knew all about Seb's past. He thought that they had moved on from this long ago, and now the tabloids had dug it all up again.

 

“It doesn't matter if they're real or not Seb. It's okay...”

“It's not okay,” interrupted Sebastian. “You know that...”

“I know that you were very young and you made mistakes,” stated Mark as firmly as possible. “Too young. Like you said, you didn't know what you were doing. They were older than you. They were taking advantage of you back then, and they're taking advantage now. It doesn't even matter if they're the real ones or not Seb. That's not the point. They were exploiting you then, they're still trying to.”

 

Mark was the one trying not to cry now as he took a breath in. He felt awful at what Seb had told him what had happened. The idea of Sebastian back then; so unprotected, so innocent, so open to the world, and all it had done was cause him pain. It broke his heart.

Mark pulled Seb tight and held on to him for another moment, as much for him as Sebastian. How could people do that? They must have known. There was no way that they didn't know how young and inexperienced Sebastian was. They must have known how afraid he was and instead of helping him they had given him drink to soften him up, used Seb and hurt him. It made Mark feel sick.

“They were bad people Seb,” stated Mark as solidly as he could. “They were then and they are now.”

It didn't matter whether they were exactly the same people. They stood for the same thing.

“They didn't value you and they taught you not to value yourself.”

 

Seb moved his head so that it rested against the side of Mark's. He felt empty. As if all the tears he had spilled had drained him of all emotion. He heard Mark's words though, and a part of him knew them to be true. He closed his eyes and wished he could sink entirely into Mark. He wrapped his arms a little tighter about Mark and was pulled in tighter in return. He tried to absorb it and forget about everything else.

 

Mark held tightly on to Sebastian and wished that there was some way he could go back and undo what had happened to him. He spoke very quietly, trying to let it soak into Sebastian as they sat there safely holding on to one another.

“You can't let them hurt you any more Seb, okay? These people are nothing. They're nothing compared to you. Selling _stories_ to the newspapers,” he let the words fall from his lips as if they were dirty. “These people are _nothing_. They've achieved nothing in life. They're just trying to take from you because you've done so much. They're nothing.”

 

Mark moved back a little and moved his hands to place them either side of Sebastian's face to look entirely into his eyes.

“You can't let them hurt you any more Seb, okay?”

He lifted up a little to press a kiss into Sebastian's lips, once and then twice, gaining a proper response on his second attempt.

“They're nothing. But you're everything, okay? You're _everything_ to me,” asserted Mark.

 

Seb looked at the sincerity in Mark's face and nodded back. He moved away slightly and rested against the sofa, Mark's hands sliding back to hold onto him, sitting that for a little while, Sebastian tipping his head sideways to sit against Mark's shoulder again and Mark's head meeting his.

Mark stroked his hand along Seb's arm.

“You can't let people like that hurt you any more Seb. Don't let them do that. Don't let the gutter press get to you. They're scum. Don't let them win.”

Seb moved his head to look at Mark and nodded. He knew Mark was right, even if it was hard in practice.

 

Mark thought of those people mistreating Seb and casting him aside as if he was nothing. Those fools. They had no idea what they had.

Mark tried a smile on Sebastian and moved his hand back down to take his.

“You can't let that get to you, okay. You're worth so much more than that. Don't ever let anyone try to make you think otherwise, alright?”

Seb nodded. He closed his eyes trying to push all the hurt away. He had been young. He had done stupid things. He hadn't taken care of himself and he had been foolish enough to think anyone else would do that for him. The world had shown itself to be cruel and cold. Mark had been the first person to really show him anything different.

 

Sebastian reopened his eyes to see Mark still looking at him.

“You're worth so much to me. You're my whole world. I love you so much. You know that don't you?”

Seb nodded. He did know that, but he had to ask.

“It doesn't bother you?” Seb checked.

Mark frowned, thinking that of course it bothered him that Sebastian was so upset.

“My past...”

Sebastian wanted to look away, still feeling ashamed at thinking of the past he had worked so hard to forget.

Mark shook his head realising what Seb meant.

“No mate. I don't care about the past. It's not important. All I care about is the future. Our future. Okay?”

“Okay,” accepted Sebastian. He took a long deep breath in and let it out slowly.

Their future. Their future together. There was nothing better than knowing that was how things were and that nothing, however terrible, from Seb's past could alter it.

 

 

 

 

“Do you want to lie down for little bit?” tried Mark, thinking it might do Seb good to rest for a while.

Sebastian nodded and they shuffled about so that they could lie down on the sofa together. It only worked if they were pressed up tight together, but that was what they wanted.

Mark pulled the cushion down to rest his head on it and put his hands so that he gently held the back of Seb's head in place opposite his own. They looked at each other for a few moments before Sebastian dared asking something.

“Mark, you never talk about your past.”

 

Seb wasn't sure that he wanted to hear about it. They usually avoided all talk of life before they were together.

“It's not important,” insisted Mark.

 

Sebastian very nearly left things there, but now that he had asked, a perverse part of him needed to know, even if it would hurt to hear about Mark having anyone in his life before him.

“Why don't you want to tell me?” pushed Seb.

Mark sighed. “Because it doesn't matter. I don't see the point in looking back.”

Sebastian was still looking at him and Mark realised that if he didn't tell him then Seb would think that he was holding back. If Seb wanted to know, he had to be honest with him.

“You really want to know?”

Seb nodded, although in truth he wasn't entirely sure that he did.

“Okay,” agreed Mark. “There's not so very much to write home about.”

 

He paused, looking at Seb, wondering what to say.

“You're not the only to have made mistakes Seb, we all have.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. When I first came to England, well it was the first time I'd really lived away from home. I got a bit carried away with the freedom of it all. I used to go out a bit too much, stay out late when I should have been concentrating on my racing.”

Things hadn't seemed quite so serious before Mark had reached formula one, but even at the time he had known it wasn't a good idea.

 

“I made mistakes just like you Seb, had a few one night stands... I thought they might mean more than that, that they might lead to something, but I guess that wasn't what they were looking for.”

He'd only been a few years older than Sebastian, but they were a crucial few years. Mark had been old enough to look after himself, old enough to learn from his mistakes.

“It all seemed a pretty hollow way to go on, so I put a stop to it. I suppose I knew that kind of lifestyle was no good for me, so I tried to put all my energies into driving and working at my career instead.”

“Did that work?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark huffed a little laugh. “Kind of. It was a good distraction anyway.”

“Was there, I mean, before then, when you were younger had there been anyone?”

Mark smiled as he recalled. “Back home you mean? Yeah there was someone, a friend, more than a friend I suppose.”

“What was his name?”

“Alex. We were in a cycling club together. We were only eighteen, we didn't really know what we were doing.” Mark gave a little shake of his head. “Neither one of us did. It was all very innocent really. At the time I thought it was a huge deal but when I moved to Europe we lost touch, so I suppose it wasn't quite the be all and end all I thought it was at the time.”

Mark shrugged again.

“He moved away too, Sydney I think, I can't remember. I dunno, I did sometimes wonder what became of him, he was a nice guy.”

Mark knew that he had been lucky, so much luckier than Seb. It wasn't fair.

 

“And afterwards, there were others?”

Sebastian was sure that there must have been. He couldn't imagine people not wanting Mark.

“Not that many really. I don't know. It's not so easy in our game is it?”

Seb gave him a little smile back, knowing how true that was.

“But there were others?” pressed Seb.

Mark sighed, wondering if Sebastian really wanted to hear this. He truthfully hadn't thought about it himself for a very long time.

“Yeah a couple. There was Jon, who believe it or not I actually met through racing. He was in marketing for one of the teams when I was in F3, but I guess that was never going to work. He didn't feel comfortable in that world and he moved on. I suppose he moved on from me as well and I think I realised that it was always going to be difficult in that world, our world, to be open about being gay or even meeting people.”

Seb nodded, he knew that only too well.

 

Mark puffed a breath and carried on, knowing that if he was going to be honest he had to give the full account.

“Then there was Tom. I met him at a sponsor event. He was something in the city, I never really did work out quite what, and I think he thought that racing was a glamorous occupation.”

Mark gave Seb a wry smile as they both knew that it was usually far from that.

“That went on quite a while, when we could anyway seeing as I was away so much. I thought I was onto something there.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“I liked him. I thought he liked me...”

Mark thought back and remembered how impressed he had been with Tom; his flash London apartment and his expensive clothes. Tall and good-looking, Tom had looked perfect, but he wasn't.

“...only it turned out he liked his girlfriend too.”

“Oh _Mark_ ,” Seb sounded shocked.

Mark gave a little laugh at how offended on his behalf Seb sounded. Damn it had hurt at the time, but looking back it was almost comical.

“Yeah. I went to go and surprise him when I got home early from a race and there she was. He pretended that I was just a friend and I let him get away with it.”

 

Sebastian stared at him. He couldn't imagine Mark passively allowing someone to hurt him that way.

Mark shook his head. “I told you I'd made mistakes as well. I think I was just too stunned to do anything else. I suppose I could have made a scene, but really what was the point?”

Mark puffed out a breath.

Seb's brow furrowed. “I don't know how anyone could do that.”

He couldn't understand how anyone could have Mark and not consider themselves the luckiest person in the world. How could someone want anything else if they had Mark?

Mark shrugged. “Guess I should have known something was up when he was quite so happy about the fact I wasn't keen to come out. I think he was in denial, or I don't know, if I was being kinder I suppose I'd say it must have been hard to be out in his world too.”

The world of finance was just as macho as that of motorsport, maybe even more so.

“His loss,” stated Sebastian, feeling strangely annoyed for Mark. Irrational as that might be seeing as he didn't want anyone to have Mark but him.

“Yeah well, I feel sorry for him. He couldn't accept who he was. He probably married that poor girl.”

Living a lie for the rest of his life. Mark didn't envy Tom at all.

 

Sebastian stroked his hand along Mark's side, hating the idea that he had ever been hurt by someone.

“After that I guess I was feeling pretty messed up for a while...”

Mark hesitated before continuing, but Seb was looking at him expectantly.

“I wasn't looking for something... for someone, but...” Mark gave a tiny shake of his head. “It's such a cliché; I met Stephen at the gym, we just started talking about things, ended up going for coffee, and well, we got on. We didn't even really have all that much in common.”

“What did he do?” asked Sebastian with genuine curiosity.

“He was an architect. He knew nothing about racing. He thought it was fascinating, but he didn't understand it at all.”

Stephen had no understanding of how things were for Mark and that had been the problem; What had seemed interesting at first, faded into something that was incomprehensible to him. He had never really appreciated what Mark's life entailed and how committed he had to be to it, what his career really meant to Mark.

 

“I guess it could never have worked long-term, but we tried, we really did for a very long time. Maybe longer than we should have done in the end,” Mark admitted.

Looking back it was obvious that it wasn't meant to be, but when so many things about them had been great, they really had tried to find a way to make things work.

“He couldn't understand why I struggled with the idea of coming out and without that there was no way we could have a proper life together. I don't think I understood that at the time. I thought he was asking too much, but that wasn't fair. Stephen was a nice guy. Too nice. He didn't understand how our world worked and what it required of you. I couldn't put him ahead of my racing and that wasn't fair on him. I was away so much and it wasn't enough for him.”

Mark gave another little shrug.

“It hurt at the time, but I knew it was right to let him go, we'd have just made each other miserable in the end. I suppose it was good that we broke up before that happened.”

 

Mark looked over at Sebastian and thought how if you added it all up, in many ways Sebastian was exactly what he had been looking for all along; he knew exactly what their life involved, how everything in their lives revolved around racing, how difficult it was to be open about their sexuality and what a risk it required to take that leap. He hadn't been willing to take that risk with anyone but Seb, maybe because they really were in it together.

“And that was that, after Stephen I thought I just wasn't going to be able to have someone and live the life that I did. I accepted it,” finished Mark. “Like I say, not all that much to tell.”

 

Seb nodded and looked at him. He knew Mark was being honest with him, but he had to know something more.

“Did you love them?”

Seb was terrified to hear whether that was so, but the perverse part of his brain demanded to know the truth.

Mark sighed.

“Ah I don't know mate. I thought so at the time.”

Stephen especially, he really had thought that was it, but he had been wrong.

Mark moved his face in even closer to Seb's.

“I didn't have this to compare it to though. None of them were anything like you.”

Mark moved in and gave Sebastian a soft kiss to remind him how much he cared about him.

 

“I never loved anyone like I love you. They don't even come close. I never felt this way about anyone, I didn't even know that I could feel this way.”

Mark held his face so close to Seb's that their breath mixed together.

“I didn't think I got this. For a long time, I just thought it just wasn't going to happen for me, that my life was too complicated and I should make the most of what I had and be grateful for it. I thought I'd come to terms with that, I thought I was happy enough, living my life, racing, getting a nice peaceful time at home, no responsibilities, nothing to worry about, free to do whatever I wanted. Until you came along...”

“And messed it all up?”

Mark gave a fractional shake of his head.

“And made it worthwhile.”

Mark moved his hands slightly so he held them either side of Sebastian's face.

“You turned my life upside down. You changed everything. Yeah it's complicated and sometimes it's not easy.”

Seb's face went a little tight as he was struggling not to see that as a bad thing.

“I'm sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“Sorry? Are you kidding? You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You've taken over my whole life and I can't even imagine my life without you in it now. I wouldn't want to.”

Mark kissed him and left his head resting in against Seb's.

 

Speaking more quietly, he carried on.

“You know my mum said something when we were there. She said nothing really worth having in life was easy. And she's right. You're worth everything to me Seb, you're my whole world, you're the one.”

Mark's voice cracked but he made himself go on, knowing that Sebastian needed to hear this as much as he needed to say it.

“I didn't think I got this. I didn't think I got _the one_. I didn't think I had that kind of luck.”

Mark took a steadying breath and completed telling Seb what he needed to.

“I never knew I could love anyone this much. I don't care if it's difficult, I don't care if it's complicated. I only care about you. I love you so much. I will _always_ love you, no matter what.”

 

Sebastian's eyes were glistening and he was almost overwhelmed to hear such a declaration, but he wanted to return it, so he blinked it back and held himself together.

“You're the only person I've ever loved. You're the only person who ever loved me,” Seb confessed.

He thought Mark must know that, but he wanted to tell him anyway.

“I mean my family, but that's not the same.”

“No it's not the same,” affirmed Mark softly.

He smiled at Sebastian.

“Have you any idea how special that makes me?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah mate. It's amazing. We're incredibly lucky.”

“You wouldn't want someone less complicated?” questioned Sebastian.

“No. I want you. No one else could make me happy like you do, no one else could make me feel this way, no one else could make me laugh like you do.”

 

Mark smiled, none of the others had ever made him laugh like Seb did, that alone would make it worth all the rest.

“So forget everything else. Forget the past. Forget what anyone else thinks, and just remember how lucky we are,” Mark instructed.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath, letting that sink in. He was lucky, incredibly lucky. He just had to wrap that knowledge around him whenever the world tried to hurt him. Seb thought of Mark's love like a shield, like a forcefield that protected him. When things got bad he simply had to remember that and surely that would be enough to get him through?

Seb pressed himself even tighter to Mark and moved so that their faces rested together, only leaving room to breathe. Mark moved his hands so he could hold Seb properly and they stayed wrapped up in each other as they lay there. The rest of the world had gone and it was only them; together and untouchable. For now at least.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb was still quiet the next day and Mark was aware that although he had helped Sebastian to feel better, he hadn't made the problem go away. He knew Seb was still hurting from the nastiness of the tabloid press treatment of him, but there was nothing he could do to erase that. He could love him as much as he liked, but Mark couldn't change the world around them for all that he wished it was so.

 

They were due to attend Goodwood Festival of Speed on the Saturday so Mark could run his Le Mans winning Porsche up the hill climb in front of the crowds. It was a traditional honour and Mark had been pleased to accept when asked after the race. Seb had volunteered to also attend, mostly to accompany Mark, but the minute Sebastian had offered, the organisers had got on to his team and Seb had found himself lined up to play a proper part in the show; driving one of his old cars and meeting the public.

Mark wondered whether Sebastian would want to go now and Seb in truth wasn't sure he did. When he had suggested it, Seb had been secure in his post-Le Mans bubble of happiness with Mark. Now he couldn't help fearing what the public he would meet would be thinking of him. He wanted to hide away, but he knew that was wrong. Mark deserved his moment celebrating his win, making the most of his success, and Sebastian wanted to see that. He knew it would be hard facing everyone, but had committed to attending and if he pulled out now Sebastian knew he would be letting the organisers down.

 

There was an extent to which Seb knew it might be good for him in a way; The grand prix at Silverstone was coming up the following weekend. If he went straight into that after locking himself away, letting himself give in to his fears of facing the world, Seb knew it might be too much of a shock. Maybe it would be best that he get over that now when the pressure was off and then he might actually stand a better chance of handling it.

So they were going. It might not be easy, but they would get through it and they would be together, as much as possible anyway. When Sebastian had confirmed that he definitely wanted to go and explained why, Mark had been impressed once again at how brave Seb was and only hoped things went smoothly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were just making their way along the lanes off the A-road that made up the final part of their journey. It had been an early start, but they'd made good time. Mark had made a concession to the narrowness of the roads and slowed his speed, but it still felt distinctly quick in his brand new toy. He turned and smiled over at Seb.

“She's nippy, gotta give her that,” commented Mark.

Seb smiled back and shook his head a little at how much Mark was enjoying this.

“Pretty nice bonus,” he agreed.

 

Mark's reward from Porsche for his Le Mans had been a rather generous one: a brand new Porsche 911 Turbo, delivered direct to his door earlier in the week.

“Yeah well I don't think I'll be running the dogs about in it, but it's nice for special occasions.”

“You going to let me have a go?” wondered Sebastian.

“I'll have to put you on the insurance,” Mark offered.

Seb looked at him a little taken aback. He'd mostly been joking there.

“Really?”

Mark shrugged. “Sure.”

“Insurance is kinda steep for racing drivers,” noted Sebastian.

Mark gave a small shrug. It never made any sense to him seeing as in his reckoning professional drivers ought to be safer, but clearly others didn't think so.

“Plus I think I might have blown my no-claims back in Monaco,” Seb joked.

Mark laughed and shook his head a little. He didn't think he'd be making jokes about Seb's crash that had given him such a fright, but the fact that Seb was doing so after feeling so down about the story in the tabloids was surely a good sign.

“I'll pay,” offered Seb.

“Nah mate, no worries. Besides then you can drive me back if we ever go out to the pub some time.”

“Ah you've an ulterior motive.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark.

 

 

 

 

As they pulled up into a parking spot Mark put the handbrake on and then moved his hand to pat Seb's knee as he looked over at him.

“All good then, yeah?” he checked.

Sebastian gave a little nod. He'd spent the journey trying not to focus on any of his fears, but now that they were here it was inescapable.

“Mmm,” Seb tried.

Mark looked at him more carefully.

“You're not worried are you?”

He was hoping that Sebastian hadn't agreed to come along to this event purely for his sake.

Seb shrugged.

“Just... I don't know. I can't help worrying about what people will be thinking of me now,” he admitted.

“They won't be thinking anything. They'll just be pleased to see you. These are racing fans Seb, I'm sure they don't pay any attention to rubbish in tabloids.”

“Hmm.”

Seb wasn't convinced.

“Look, we're just here to do a few bits and pieces today, razz the cars about for the crowds and say hello to a few folk. There's no pressure. People are just here to have a good time.”

Sebastian nodded. That did make sense.

“Plus we'll see Jense and a few more people tonight,” added Mark.

 

They were planning to stay nearby so they could attend the ball that evening. Mark had offered to drop that part so they could head home again, but Sebastian had insisted that they should still go.

Now Mark was thinking that he would have to play it by ear. If he thought Sebastian was struggling later in the day they could always skip that part and go home at the end of the day.

 

“Mm, yeah it will be nice to see them. Lewis is meant to be here too,” Sebastian noted.

“Exactly. So we'll just have a nice time. No stressing about what anyone will be thinking, alright? No one believes the codswallop in those rags, okay mate?”

Mark was giving Seb's leg a little reassuring rub and Sebastian did find that it helped the words to sink in. It wasn't as if he hadn't been here before, he knew how this all worked and Mark would be around. He just had to remember that and forget everything else. He could do this.

“Yeah, okay. I'll be alright.”

“Course you will. I'm sure people are looking forward to seeing you pull a few donuts in the car. I don't think there's anyone does those better than you.”

Mark smiled and winked at him.

“But then I'm not sure anyone else has had so much practice.”

 

Seb smiled back at him and gave Mark a little thank you kiss for being supportive. Mark leaned over and gave him a hug.

“Right, let's go then.”

Seb nodded determinedly and they opened the car doors to head on in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark and Seb were stood around waiting where they had been ushered to by the organisers to the side of the Porsche promotional area where Mark was due to do a meet and greet with fans. Despite his best intentions Sebastian had found it hard to be completely unaffected as they saw the bustling crowds that were milling around. It was impossible not to notice the way people looked at them as they walked past. It wasn't that they stared overtly and nobody said a word, but they definitely _noticed_ them.

Seb couldn't really blame them. They were drivers so people were bound to recognise them in this setting and if he had seen someone's face all over the papers and then saw them in real life he knew that he would look as well, it was only natural, but when you were the recipients of those looks it was hard to pretend that you weren't aware it was happening.

Mark was aware of it too. Seeing as he was essentially here to promote Porsche he knew that he was once again on tricky ground in terms of being demonstrative with Seb in public, but some things were more important than that, so as they had walked along he had slipped his hand into Sebastian's and kept a hold of it as they made their way.

 

 

 

 

“Alright mate?”

Mark gave Sebastian a smile and got a nod back. He was about to say something else when Jenson appeared out of nowhere, puffing and out of breath, which given how fit he was must have meant he had sprinted some distance.

Sebastian was shaken out of his thoughts.

“Jense, there you are. We thought you'd got lost.”

“Yeah mate, we've been here a while. What happened to you?” asked Mark.

Jenson puffed another long breath and shook his head.

“Flight. Pffff, thought I wasn't going to make it at all. Pretty sure I set a new personal best running here from the car.”

Mark and Seb laughed and immediately forgot all about their concerns.

 

One of the Porsche's PR people came over and Jenson and Mark were swept away to get to work, leaving Sebastian on his own. He watched from the sidelines, observing Mark in full flow, happily chatting with random strangers and interacting with Jenson occasionally as they made their way around.

Mark was so good at this Seb thought, he acted as though he hadn't a care in the world and was as pleased as he could be to see each person that he met. It was quite a skill, one they all had to work on, some proving better at it than others.

Sebastian used to think he was good at it too, but it was increasingly difficult to switch off the part of his brain that was taken up with his worries and concerns. He knew that he had managed it in the past, but back then he was the only one that knew he had anything to be concerned about, nowadays he was only too well aware that people knew what was going on in his life and that made putting on a front so much harder to achieve. But if Mark could do it, then surely he could too?

 

 

His head was running through all of this when Jessy arrived.

“Jess!”

Sebastian suddenly felt so much better.

Jessica leant in and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Hello sweetie.”

Seb looked at her.

“Jenson totally failed to mention that you were here.”

Jess laughed. “He ditched me the minute we arrived.”

“Oh dear.”

“Hmm, though in fairness we were running horribly late. The flight was delayed and Jense was stressing out the whole way.”

“Oh well, here now.”

“Mmm.”

 

Jessica looked over to where the boys were working the crowd. She shook her head a little.

“You'd never tell would you? You guys are all so good at turning on the charm no matter what.”

She looked at Seb more softly and put a hand on his arm.

“How are you doing?”

Jess didn't need to explain what she was referring to. Seb was about to brush it off and say he was fine, but he sighed and gave a little shrug. Jessica reached over and gave him another hug.

“Those people are horrible,” Jess stated.

Seb frowned a little, wondering precisely who she was talking about.

“The press just don't care do they?” Jess expounded.

Sebastian just gave another shrug.

“I'm okay,” he asserted.

“Glad to hear it,” agreed Jessica, placing her arm around him as they stood.

“I'm glad you're here. You can keep me company while we watch them messing about showing off in their cars.”

Seb gave a little laugh.

“Ah, umm sorry, I'm afraid I'm doing that too.”

“Oh are you? Of course, I didn't think. Ah well. You're coming tonight aren't you?” Jess checked.

“Yep we'll be coming,” Sebastian affirmed.

“Great. I'll be surrounded by all the best looking boys, everyone will be jealous,” crowed Jessica.

Sebastian laughed as Jess gave him another squeeze before letting go to give him a little smile.

 

 

 

 

 

Seb was feeling rather more encouraged about things by the time he stood with both Jess and Jenson to watch Mark driving his Porsche 919 up the hill climb to celebrate his Le Mans success. This time Mark really did take a hand off the wheel to wave as he went past as he had joked he would during the race. All three of them waved back meaning that Sebastian didn't care if it was a silly thing to do or not. Once he was done Mark returned to them and they had time to get lunch together and Sebastian was feeling much more confident ready for his afternoon duties.

 

 

 

Porsche had asked Mark to do another signing so Sebastian was on his own as he waited ready to go into the F1 area. He'd taken the shortest route and avoided much of the crowd but it meant he was now early, so he gathered his nerve and killed a little time looking around the classic racing cars that were on display. He kept to the side away from the public, but even from there he knew that people were looking at him. It did no good thinking about that though, so instead Sebastian focussed his attention on the beautiful cars in front of him. They really were fantastic machines and Seb loved to look at the little details that showed the evolution of racing; they were so basic in many ways compared to the cars he drove, but cutting edge for their time.

Whenever Sebastian saw old footage of racing he was impressed with the daring of the drivers of the past, the risks they took were so much more extreme than today. The hill climb here with its straw bale perimeter was a reminder of those old days in a way. It must have been a thrill back then, but Seb wasn't unhappy to race now, it was stressful enough watching Mark race in this era of improved safety, in previous times he didn't think he would have coped at all.

 

Seb checked his watch and realised it was time to go. He made his way to the holding area and was greeted by the organisers and reminded that the plan was to have a fan session before they started the F1 car demonstration runs. He nodded and took a deep breath. He could do this. It was fine. He didn't need Mark here holding his hand the whole time. It was just the same sort of thing he had done countless times before. This wasn't new to him, he simply had to do what he always did and try to forget that anything had changed.

 

“Hey man.”

Seb turned to see Lewis beaming at him. Lewis loved this kind of thing; meeting the fans up close was something he seemed to feed off, boosting his self-confidence with the adoration he received from the public. Lewis seemed to be popular everywhere he went, no wonder it made him feel good.

“Hey Lewis, nice to see you,” greeted Seb.

“Yeah you too, you too...”

Lewis looked around a little to make sure that no one was stood too close.

“I umm, I wanted to say, I saw about all that stuff in the papers...”

Sebastian had to work very hard not to let his discomfort show on his face.

“You know you can't let that shit get to you.”

Seb nodded, trying to look unperturbed.

Lewis gave a shake of his head.

“Everybody knows the tabloids will print any old bullshit.”

“Yeah, I know.”

 

Sebastian wondered for a moment whether it was a good idea to reveal weakness in front of an opponent, but Lewis had been very kind to him and it was nice to talk to someone who seemed to understand.

“I shouldn't look at it, but it's hard not to,” admitted Seb.

Lewis nodded.

“Yeah, been there done that.”

He huffed a little laugh. “Some of the stuff I've seen about me, really, it's such crap. One week they love me, the next they can't stand me; I'm a hero, I'm a tax-dodger, every female I speak to is a 'mystery woman',” Lewis shook his head disparagingly, “one time there was a picture and it was me with my _sister_ , I mean _jeez_...”

Lewis looked at Seb and raised his eyebrows.

“They'll print anything. You can't believe a word in them.”

 

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah, thanks.”

He paused a moment before saying something he had been thinking for a while.

“You know I wanted to say thank you for being so nice in Canada. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” dismissed Lewis.

“Well no, not of course, not everyone is so decent,” countered Sebastian.

Lewis frowned at him thinking what a lot Seb must have been through recently.

“Their loss,” stated Lewis. “Look, we're friends aren't we?”

 

He looked at Seb quite openly and it took Sebastian a moment to answer seeing as he had never considered himself to have friends in his profession, but that wasn't quite true when he thought about it; Jenson was a friend even though he wasn't in F1 any more. When he thought back Seb realised that Jenson had really been a friend before now, he just hadn't seen it.

“Of course we're friends,” confirmed Sebastian.

Lewis smiled. “As much as you can be in this game anyway, I mean it's difficult in F1 when you're competing, though obviously it's worse if you're in the same team. I know only too well how that can get complicated.”

Lewis stopped and looked at Seb and raised his hand to his mouth hiding his laughter as he realised what he'd just said, looking a tiny bit awkward.

“Oh, umm...”

Sebastian smiled and gave a half-shrug.

“Yeah, I really do know a thing or two about that,” he agreed.

 

 

One of the organisers came over and their conversation was brought to an end, but Sebastian already felt much more confident about going in front of the crowds. He wasn't alone in all this. It wasn't even just him and Mark. They had people on their side, people who might not quite know exactly how things were for them, but had their own struggles to contend with that helped them to have some understanding. Jess and Jenson were separated by their work just as often as he and Mark were and Lewis had been tormented by the press for years. They weren't the only ones.

It hurt like hell at the time and it was impossible not to be affected by it all, but if they could just keep pushing through, surely it had to get a little easier to bare.

 

 

 

 

 

An hour or two later Sebastian was feeling a whole lot happier. He'd got through it. He had faced the crowds and smiled happily for endless selfies with eager fans leaning over the barriers, signed every scrap of memorabilia put in front of him. No one had said anything unpleasant or acted as though they disapproved of him. He had done his run up the hill in his old RB7 and it had actually been fun; he had done some donuts for the crowd, thinking how Mark had told him he was the best at it. When he was finished he had given the old girl a little pat and remembered the good times they had shared, back before his life had really gone downhill. 2011 seemed a hell of a long time ago, impossibly remote from where he was now.

 

 

 

They had been asked to pose for the photographers before they left for the day and so Seb, Mark, Jenson and Lewis were all sat on the straw bales at the side of the track.

Jenson looked to Lewis sat on his right and then over to Mark and then Seb on his left and laughed.

“It's like we're getting the old band back together,” he proposed.

Mark rolled his eyes.

“Actually, you know this reminds me of that picture back from 2010. You know, from when they got us to do that championship shoot-out group?” commented Lewis.

 

2010\. It was so strange to think back to then. Back then they had all been in F1, they had each been team-mates in their pairs, all battling for the championship with varying degrees of opportunity. Mark looked at Seb and gave him a reassuring smile. 2010 was never going to be an easy year for them to remember; it had been Mark's best and only real chance at winning, but these days he knew that bothered Sebastian more than him.

As they posed for the cameras Jenson carelessly slung his arms over the top of the row of shoulders beside him and Mark put his arm around Seb to hold the side of his waist. He knew it would be noticed in the photographs but in that moment Mark didn't give a damn. He loved Seb and he wanted to remind him of that. In truth, he wanted to remind Seb of that every moment of every day.

 

 

As the photo-call came to a close, Jenson wondered aloud.

“Where was it taken, that photo?”

“Korea,” stated Seb.

Mark smiled at him, impressed at Seb's retention of the little details as ever.

“We're just missing Fernando,” noted Mark back to the group.

“And Bernie,” added Lewis.

“Not so much,” countered Mark dryly.

 

The row of drivers laughed as though they had forgotten that the cameramen were still there, but a few of them were still busily clicking away at the scene. The photos they got in that moment of the group looking relaxed and happy off duty were the ones that were most used. The image was too good to pass up. Drivers for whom so much had changed in the past few years: Former team-mates, former rivals, now most with different teams, some had achieved great things, some no longer in F1, relationships changed, some beyond recognition.

Jenson had let his arms drop back down, but Mark's still firmly held onto Seb. They were all laughing, but the warmth in the look between those two as they did spoke volumes. Five short years and their whole world had turned around.

They barely knew themselves in that old photograph, five years gone and they were entirely different people, everything had changed; for better, for worse, forever.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey colour yourselves surprised my lovely readers, it's another two-parter. So if you'd like to see the next bit, do let me know and I'll get cracking...


	53. Ties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay, but here is the second part.

* * *

 

 

 

 

Seb and Mark were in their room at the country hotel they were staying at, getting ready for the ball before heading back to Goodwood for the evening. Seb came back out of the bathroom and stopped as he looked at Mark.

 

“Wow.”

Mark looked back at him, pausing fiddling with his bow-tie.

“What?”

Sebastian smiled and walked over to stand closer to him.

“You look like James Bond.”

Mark laughed a little and shook his head.

“Nah,” he dismissed.

Seb stepped in even closer. He straightened the bow-tie that Mark had been fussing over for him.

“Yeah, you're right, you're _way_ better looking than James Bond.”

 

Sebastian moved in and stole a kiss, reaching up his hand to stroke along Mark's jaw; Just a little stubble, it felt lovely and he really did look amazing, something Seb hadn't entirely failed to observe at FIA Galas that they had both attended in years gone by.

 

Mark smiled into the kiss before pulling away to study Seb.

“You're not looking so bad yourself,” he noted. “No tie though?”

Mark gave Sebastian's collar a little flick up.

“Oh, um, I don't know, I always feel a bit stupid in them,” Sebastian admitted. “I've got it in my pocket in case they won't let me in.”

He pulled out the rolled up bow-tie from his pocket to show Mark who laughed.

“Yeah I'm pretty sure they'll let you in.”

Seb nodded and pocketed it again. Mark shook his head a little at the idea that security might turn away the four time formula one world champion at the door because he felt silly in a bow-tie.

 

“It's just not me somehow,” Sebastian expanded.

He gave Mark a sly little smile. “Maybe I'll wear one when I'm older, like thirty or something.”

Mark laughed and rolled his eyes.

“That's an old joke Seb.”

Seb shrugged back.

“Oh come on, an _old_ joke. I don't even get a pity laugh for the pun?” tried Mark.

Sebastian finally laughed.

“Sorry, missed that. I keep being distracted by how incredible you look,” he deflected.

“Ah well then I'll let you off.”

 

Seb smiled, letting himself get lost in just how great Mark looked dressed up. He hooked a finger into Mark's waistband and pulled him in so their bodies were pressed together.

 

Mark slid his hands around Sebastian to rest at the small of his back. He smiled down at Seb, thinking how lovely he was all fresh and clean from the shower, his hair soft and fluffy with those adorable little curls formed by going back into the steamy air, a crisp white shirt open at the neck practically begging him to lean in and kiss it. All very inviting, but Mark knew if he started with that there was every chance that they would never leave this hotel room and they would miss the ball entirely.

Pulling himself together, Mark carried on talking.

“Speaking of which; it's your birthday next week.”

Seb grinned.

“Yes I know. It happens around this time every year in fact.”

“ _Behave_.”

Mark tipped his head forwards into Seb's, narrowing his eyes for a moment as if he was telling Sebastian off for being facetious, when in fact he was thrilled that Sebastian was in such a good mood after today.

“I was going to say, we should do something nice, for your birthday. Maybe go out for a meal or something. What do you think?”

 

Sebastian gave a little nod.

“Umm, yeah, that'd be good, only Friday night's probably not the best timing with quali the next day and everything. Would it be okay to do it Monday night?”

“Of course it would,” agreed Mark.

“Then I'd have something to look forward to,” explained Sebastian, not wanting to add that the idea might be helpful to get him through tough moments over the race weekend.

“Whenever you like. It's your birthday, you make the rules.”

“Yeah then, I'd like that.”

“Good. There's plenty of places not too far off, somewhere quiet in the countryside where we can just be us.”

Seb nodded again, happy at the idea of them being able to just be themselves without worrying what anyone would think.

“Sounds perfect,” he agreed.

“Good.”

Mark gave him a kiss.

“It's a date then.”

Sebastian laughed a little at that. An actual honest to goodness date? They never did that. He wasn't sure if they ever had. But then theirs never had been the most conventional of relationships.

 

“Right, now we've got that settled we'd better go. Jenson and Jessica will be thinking we've stood them up at this rate,” suggested Mark.

They forced themselves apart and Mark handed Sebastian his jacket so they could set off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As predicted, Jess and Jenson were already there waiting for them when Mark and Sebastian arrived and found them standing around on the lawns among the mingling guests.

“Finally!”

Jenson greeted them with slaps on the back as Jessica offered little air kisses, not wanting to smear her lipstick.

Mark glanced at his watch.

“We're not that late are we?”

Jenson gave a half-shrug.

“I may be over-compensating for this morning. To be honest we're just glad to see people we know. I just had a five minute conversation with someone who seemed to know me when I had no clue who he was.”

Mark and Sebastian laughed as Jess leant over to explain.

“I think he's in a band, or was. He seemed to think we wouldn't need an introduction...”

“Probably someone really famous and I'm being thick,” noted Jenson.

 

It wasn't actually that uncommon an occurrence on the grid or at team sponsor events, people who were well-known always seemed to assume that everyone would recognise them.

 

“No sign of Lewis either,” complained Jenson.

“He's not coming,” explained Sebastian.

“Oh?”

“Some family thing he said. I guess he doesn't get back to the UK all that often and he wanted to make the most of it,” Seb continued.

Jenson made a sad face.

“Jibbed his mates for his family. Poor state of affairs.”

“Well I've got all the people I want here,” declared Jessica happily. “Now then, which of you nice boys is going to go and get me a drink?”

“I'll go,” volunteered Jenson before either of the others could speak. “Who wants what?”

“Champagne please,” requested Jess.

“Water.”

Jenson pulled a face at Mark.

“I'm driving.”

“Oh, well it would be a shame to ding that nice little incentive Porsche gave the rest of us to try harder,” joked Jenson. “Seb?”

“Ah, um, well I'll have champagne if Jess is.”

 

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Am I going to be carrying you home?”

Sebastian gave him a look in return.

“I think I can have one little glass and not fall over.”

He pretended to glare at Mark, but Seb could see he was teasing him and the two of them ended up grinning at one another. Jenson looked at Jess and shook his head at how involved with one another the pair were. He shrugged and walked off, the movement snapping Sebastian and Mark out of it as they returned their attention to the otherwise abandoned Jessica.

“I'm afraid I'm going to have to keep you lot busy all night. The minute I try to walk across the grass in these heels I sink in like they're tent pegs,” she joked.

Jess lifted up one of her shoes to show them and it wasn't hard to see how the spike heels had not been designed to cope with the outdoors. Quite why she had chosen to wear them was beyond Seb and Mark. Just another mystery about women.

 

 

 

 

Later in the evening they were stood around outside again as guests chatted in little groups on the terrace and lawns by the grand house that was the centrepiece of the Goodwood estate. It was dark now, but still reasonably warm after the sunny day.

Mark sipped his drink and watched as Sebastian talked happily with Jenson and Jessica, reflecting that it had been a very good thing that they had been here today to keep Seb from worrying about things. Lewis had been a help too. Seb had told Mark what he had said to him prior to the signing session and Mark considered again how appearances could be deceptive; for all Lewis's showy exterior he was actually a very thoughtful and kind individual. It was a shame he wasn't here this evening, Mark thought it would have been a good opportunity to say thank you, but maybe he'd get chance at Silverstone next weekend.

He was glad that they had come to the ball tonight. It was a pleasant relaxed end to the day and it was so rare that they did anything that could be regarded as a 'couples' activity in public like this. Mark hadn't missed the number of glances that they had received from other guests, but Seb hadn't remarked on it, so it was best just to ignore that and carry on regardless.

All those people that had spoken to them had been fine. Lord March himself had come over to say hello and thanked them for their efforts earlier in the day and he didn't seem to have the slightest care about their background or anything that had been in the papers. Then again he was a slightly eccentric character. Mark smiled to himself thinking that you would have to be to have the audacity to pull this kind of grand event off in the first place.

 

Mark finished his drink and looked around the group.

“I'm going to get a drink, who wants one?”

Jenson shook his head but Jess raised her nearly empty champagne flute and Mark nodded.

“Seb?”

Sebastian paused.

“Oh, umm, water I think.”

Mark leant in closer to speak quietly to him.

“I was only teasing earlier mate, have what you like,” he encouraged, not wanting Sebastian to think he was disapproving of him drinking.

Sebastian glanced over at Christian stood in a group near to them.

“No water's fine. I don't think my boss would be too happy to see me boozing it up ahead of next week.”

Mark shrugged and nodded. Seb might have a point. They'd had a nice chat with Christian earlier, but conversation did seem to tend towards work more often than not.

 

 

 

 

 

An hour or so later Jess and Jenson had disappeared off somewhere and Mark and Seb were having a good catch up with Adrian who was telling them all about his latest adventures developing a new yacht for a British entry into the Americas Cup. Mark was smiling as Seb asked about the similarities of the essentials that went into the design from building an F1 car and Adrian was happily running into the details as he explained it. Mark loved to see how interested Sebastian was in it all as he genuinely paid attention to what Adrian was saying when Mark suspected that most people merely politely nodded along.

It was the first time Mark had seen Adrian in an age, since long before Monaco, and although he had known all about their relationship from when they had informed the team, Mark was pleased to see how indifferent Adrian seemed to the revelation. He was always quietly spoken and Mark wondered sometimes whether he wasn't more comfortable with machines than people, but in his own way Adrian was being supportive in the way he didn't care about any of the changes to their relationship. He spoke to Seb and Mark in exactly the same way he always had despite the fact that they were now 'Seb and Mark' the pair rather than just the individuals of the past.

 

“I'd love to come and take a look at your car again sometime,” suggested Adrian to Mark, drawing him back from his thoughts.

“Oh umm, yeah, any time. I'm sure you'd be very welcome.”

“It's fascinating,” added Sebastian. “And how quickly the cars are repairable, that's designed in, right Mark?”

“Yep that's the idea.”

Seb nodded, enjoying the fact that he was able to explain something to Adrian for once.

“I watched them at Le Mans and it was amazing how fast they got the cars out again.”

Adrian smiled at Sebastian's enthusiasm.

“You'll have to show me if I come along. Assuming Porsche are happy to have me in the garage?”

Mark grinned. “More than happy I've no doubt. Just watch out for Andreas trying to recruit you.”

The group laughed, knowing that was all too possible given Adrian's desirable credentials.

“Fingers in F1 and Americas Cup is quite enough pies for me right now thanks,” noted Adrian.

“Shame,” smiled Mark.

Thinking about it, Adrian would be an amazing coup for Porsche to steal for their engineering team, even as a consultant. Maybe one day when he had achieved everything else Adrian might fancy a new challenge.

 

 

The small group carried on chatting. Christian looked across from where he was stood a little way over, thinking that they seemed to be having more fun than he did, stuck as he was with several potential sponsors and their partners, making small talk and trying to explain how it all worked to people who expressed a great affinity with motorsport but seemed to have only the most tenuous grasp of how it actually operated.

Christian had introduced them to Seb, Mark and Adrian earlier and thankfully they hadn't seemed put off by the bad press that Sebastian had been getting lately. He didn't know if they had missed it or whether they were just too polite to let on. Either way, Christian had moved them along so he could talk to them on his own.

It had actually been more for Sebastian's sake that he had done so. Christian had been relieved to see how upbeat Seb was following the latest attempt by the press to drag him into the dirt. He had only briefly spoken to Sebastian after Britta had told him about the horrendous article that had been published and it had been clear Seb had been working hard to hide how upset he was. Christian hadn't asked if the article was factual or not, it didn't matter; there was nothing they could do about it. Even if it was entirely invented, suing for libel would only expose Sebastian and the team to a worse going over in the papers.

 

Formula one drivers had to have the hide of a rhinoceros at the best of times when it came to the media, with all Seb was going through Christian hardly knew how he was carrying on so robustly. Looking over again at the group Christian saw the way that Sebastian and Mark looked at one another and he thought it must be due to the way they supported each other.

He looked further on down and smiled to himself at spotting something he suspected no one else had; Standing closely by each other, their arms casually by their sides, Mark and Seb weren't obviously showing the world how together they really were, not unless you really looked as Christian was now, to see that as their hands rested next to one another, just their little fingers were linked.

Christian found himself smiling at how sweet this tiny gesture was. He suspected even Adrian stood opposite them hadn't even noticed, no doubt running into technical details about something or other that he was currently obsessed with. So keen on paying attention to those kind of details, Adrian tended to miss the little details about the people around him.

 

When he had spoken to him about Mark and Seb being together earlier in the year Adrian had confessed that he hadn't even realised that they were gay, never mind together. Two minutes later he had returned to talking about the latest tweaks to the front-wing aerodynamics they were planning, as if the personal life of one of their drivers couldn't have mattered less, which Christian supposed was the right attitude seeing as it really didn't matter. It wasn't that Adrian didn't care about the people, he just didn't consider something like that any kind of issue when it had no affect on the business of racing.

 

 

 

 

Jess and Jenson reappeared, both by now a little giggly with the alcohol they had consumed through the evening.

“Where have you been?” wondered Sebastian.

“Ah I'm afraid Jessy dragged me on to the dancefloor,” explained Jenson.

Jess laughed. “ _Dragged_. He loves showing off.”

Mark shook his head.

“You don't fancy a dance?” teased Jessica.

“I don't dance,” Mark stated firmly.

Seb looked at him.

“Not ever?”

Mark pulled an uncomfortable face.

“I'd embarrass myself. Too tall to be designed for that kind of thing.”

Jenson looked suspiciously at him.

“Same height as me.”

“Same height as Jess in those heels,” joked Sebastian.

“Hmm,” avoided Mark, clearly not to be persuaded.

 

Adrian looked less comfortable in this jokey little conversation so he made his excuses and went over to talk to Christian, allowing Mark to change the subject.

“See anyone famous on your travels then?” he asked.

Jess smiled, thinking it was funny that none of them ever considered themselves to fall into that category.

“Lots of posh folk and people I probably should recognise, but I'm rubbish at that,” confessed Jenson.

“I saw Stella McCartney at the bar,” offered Jessica.

She got blank looks back and shook her head in despair.

“I saw Jackie Stewart earlier,” added Sebastian.

“Really? I didn't,” replied Mark.

“Coming out of the loo,” grinned Seb. “You probably would have missed him anyway seeing as he's below your eye-line.”

 

Everyone laughed back, Jenson asking if he was wearing a tartan dinner suit and Jess suggesting she could lend Sir Jackie her heels to give him a boost. They relaxed back into chatting about the following weekend. Jenson confirmed he was sticking around in the UK to fulfil media duties at the British Grand Prix, but Jess was sadly committed to a modelling shoot back in Japan and so wouldn't be around.

Seb was disappointed that Jessica wouldn't be at Silverstone, but then he would be busy. Most of their time hanging out together had been when they had both been in the role of supportive partner, or WAG as Seb resolutely refused to agree to being classified. Jess had been a big help to him recently and he was glad to count her as a friend. He didn't think he had really had any female friends since he had left school unless you counted Britta and she was paid to be nice to him, so that was rather different.

 

He smiled out at the group chatting away, only half paying attention to what was being said. Sebastian knew he was very fortunate to have friends to help get him through the difficulties life threw at him. And Mark of course, Mark was the very best thing of all. He would never be able to get through any of this without Mark.

Seb smiled up at Mark and decided not to care whether anyone looked, or if anyone disapproved and took a hold of Mark's arm, pleased when Mark responded by happily smiling back at him.

 

Today had been so much better than he could have hoped. The temptation to have run away and cave in to his fears resulting from the derogatory article in the paper had been almost overwhelming, but Sebastian knew he had done the right thing by pushing on through and coming anyway. Going to Silverstone next week didn't seem half as scary now. He knew that the press would doubtless still be all over him, but he would get through it. He wasn't alone. People could be awful, but they could be great too. As long as he remembered that, surely he would survive?

As long as he had Mark with him Seb thought he could probably survive anything. His arm felt nice and warm as he held onto it, even through the shirt and jacket. Seb casually pressed in just a little closer to absorb that warmth. It was cooler now, that was his excuse. Not that he really needed one. Tonight was a good night. Seb was happy. He was with Mark and he was with friends. The world wasn't always a terrible place. He let his gaze drift up and saw how clear the night sky was; filled with sparkling far-distant stars and the almost full moon reflecting light down on them.

There was music drifting over from a band playing in the distance. People would be dancing, no doubt loosened up by all the alcohol consumed through the evening. Sebastian wondered if he would ever persuade Mark to dance with him, Seb wouldn't care if he was uncoordinated. Maybe if he'd had a few drinks? He'd only had the one drink himself, not because Mark had teased him, but because he didn't want to dull his senses. Sebastian wanted to remember tonight. Tonight was a good night.

 

Mark turned to him and Sebastian returned his attention.

“You alright?” Mark checked quietly, having seen he was distracted.

“Yeah fine.”

“Not tired?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No I'm not tired.”

Seb's smile spread into a grin and he pushed up to whisper into Mark's ear, eliciting a burst of laughter in response.

 

Jenson stared at the pair of them.

“Care to share?”

“Oh nothing,” avoided Mark, still smiling away.

Jenson looked at Jess wondering what he was missing.

“Well I might go get another round in. Either of you two fancy anything more exciting than water?” asked Jenson.

Mark glanced at Sebastian and found himself looking for a little too long before he turned back to his friend.

“Oh, umm no I don't think so,” replied Mark. “You know it's really getting late. What d'you think?”

He looked back at Seb who nodded.

“Yeah it's pretty late.”

“Mm, I think we're going to head off now, sorry.”

 

Before Jess and Jenson had time to try to persuade them to stay longer Mark and Seb were offering goodbye hugs and were gone.

Jenson frowned at Jessica.

“They left in a hurry. It's not even midnight.”

Jess grinned.

“Mmm, yes.”

She raised an eyebrow at him and Jenson clicked.

“Oh. Ohhh...”

Jessica laughed.

“Didn't you see how close they were getting?”

Jenson shrugged.

“I'm pretty dense when it comes to that stuff. It took me forever to even work out they were an item.”

“I don't know how they ever kept it a secret,” mused Jessica, thinking it was only too obvious that the pair were completely besotted with one another.

“I wonder what Seb whispered to him?” she smiled.

“I'm sure I don't want to know,” Jenson laughed. “Right. Do you want that drink, or shall we push off too?”

“Oh I think we could call it a night as well now that we've been dropped for a better offer,” suggested Jess.

“Mm okay. You know I've got some pretty good offers of my own you know,” proposed Jenson with a grin.

“I'm sure you have,” agreed Jess with a smile and took his arm to navigate the hazardous lawn to make their path away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark had put his new car to good use, covering the few miles cross-country to get back to their hotel at almost indecent speed. Once in their room with the door firmly shut behind them, both Mark and Seb happily forgot about the rest of the world and felt not the slightest guilt that they had just so peremptorily dumped their friends. They just needed each other.

 

They pulled off jackets and Mark tugged at his bow-tie trying to undo it which was made rather more difficult by the fact that Sebastian was already trying to kiss him.

Mark laughed and moved back slightly.

“Hang on mate, just let me... there.”

He undid the bow-tie and loosened the top button of his shirt, allowing himself to feel less constrained.

Seb looked at him and grinned.

“You doing your Rat Pack impression?”

Mark grinned back.

“Only reason to wear a proper bow-tie,” he teased.

“Mmm,” agreed Sebastian.

He always thought that there was something old-fashioned about the way Mark looked, something glamorous and impossibly handsome in that strong jaw-line, as though faces weren't made like that any more, not for ordinary people.

 

Seb reached up and pulled away the bow-tie entirely and dropped it on the floor. Mark was still grinning at him and now raised an eyebrow as if challenging Seb, so Sebastian held his eyes and moved his hands to slowly undo the next button down on Mark's shirt. As Mark did nothing in response Sebastian decided to tease him by moving even slower to undo the next button and the next and the next. Still more slowly Seb peeled back Mark's shirt to expose his chest all the way to his left shoulder. He tore away his gaze from Mark's eyes and leaned in to kiss gently all the way along his collar-bone to his shoulder, then back slightly lower to kiss across his chest.

Mark hadn't spoken a word but Seb felt the way his chest rose and fell more rapidly in response to his actions and knew that it was working. He stole a look up at Mark before doing the same thing on his other side, slowly pushing Mark's shirt out of the way to kiss a path across his body at an agonisingly drawn-out pace. Mark's chest was moving faster as he went on and Sebastian knew that Mark was struggling to hold back, so he cruelly slowed his movements even further.

 

“Oh Jesus. Seb, _fuck_ , you're killing me here,” let out Mark, unable to contain himself any longer.

He pulled Sebastian up and kissed him hard on the lips. As Mark moved back he saw the triumphant grin on Seb's face.

“God you little tease, come here.”

Mark got his revenge by grabbing at Seb's waist and tickling him, resulting in Seb trying unsuccessfully to wriggle out of his grasp, giggling uncontrollably before Mark got him again and he let out a noise that was very nearly a shriek and soon the pair of them were laughing so hard they almost forgot what they were about.

 

“Right.”

Mark got himself together and unbuttoned Seb's shirt enough to pull it over his head, ruffling Sebastian's hair up and making him look a gorgeous mess, his lips already pink and swollen from kissing and a tiny bit out of breath from laughing. He stopped and stared at Seb for a moment, taking in how incredible he looked.

“Fuck you're amazing. I have to have you right now,” demanded Mark.

Seb smiled back.

“Well seeing as you asked so nicely...”

He reached over and started taking the rest of Mark's shirt off for him at the same time as they were kicking off shoes and trying to undo trousers, ending up in a heap on the bed.

 

They finally gave in and took a moment to sort themselves out before carrying on. Mark was about to resume where they left off when he changed his mind and got off the bed to grab the bottle of lube out of his bag and put it on the drawers by the bed.

Seb was leaning up on one elbow looking at him.

“Well wasn't that optimistic of you?” he teased.

Mark climbed back onto the bed and shrugged at him.

“I'm a very optimistic person. Besides, night away, a hotel, this nice big hotel bed... shame to let it all go to waste.”

Sebastian smiled. “Yes that would be a shame.”

He leaned back on the pillow and looked up at Mark.

“Now then, where were we?”

Mark moved over Seb and smiled down at him.

“Oh about, _here_ I think.”

 

He leant in and carefully held his body above Seb's, starting kissing at the side of his neck, knowing exactly what effect that had on him. Very soon Seb was gasping for breath and his chest was heaving. Mark pulled up for a moment, just to look at him; Sebastian's head was tipped back and his eyes had fallen closed while he concentrated on the sensation. Mark grinned to himself, Seb was so sensitive there, the way he reacted was just delicious. Mark leant back in and set to work on the other side of Seb's neck, feeling his pulse jumping at the touch.

Mark kissed a little harder there and gained just the response he was hoping for.

“Oh, _Mark,_ oh my god.”

Sebastian's eyes shot open and Mark moved to look at him.

“You like that?” he teased.

Sebastian took a breath before answering.

“You know I do.”

“Mmm, I _do_ know that,” smiled Mark.

He ran his hand down Sebastian's still heaving chest, all the way down to his crotch. He raised an eyebrow at Seb, feeling how unmistakably hard he was. Mark moved his hand back up a little only to slide it inside Seb's boxers to start stroking him.

 

Mark kept his face above Sebastian's watching him react, his breath hitching faster before he gasped.

“Oh, oh you have to stop,” pleaded Seb, knowing that any moment things would go too far, too fast.

Mark removed his hand and placed it at Seb's waist. He leant in and gently kissed Seb on the lips.

“Okay. You're okay,” he soothed.

Sebastian took a restorative breath and nodded. Mark leant his body down on Seb's and just enjoyed the feeling of his chest rising and falling beneath him.

Having taken a step back, Seb felt calmed and started lifting his head to kiss at Mark's face before they met at the lips and kissed in earnest for a while, forgetting about everything else.

After a little while of this Sebastian pushed at Mark's shoulder and Mark thought that he must be crushing him so he moved up, but Seb continued to push him until Mark lay back flat on the bed.

“My turn,” Seb offered.

Mark smiled and lay back ready to let Sebastian do whatever he wanted. It was bound to be good. It always was.

 

 

Mark let his eyes falls shut and lay as still as he could while Sebastian worked his way down his body, pressing delicate soft kisses into every part of him. It felt incredible, but as it went on it was almost too soft, too slow. Seb was torturing him by drawing things out like this and Mark wasn't at all sure he could take much more of it.

“Oh _fuck_.”

Mark's eyes burst open as Sebastian started kissing him through his underwear. The blood was zinging through his body and his heart was working too fast to keep up with everything. He looked down and saw Seb flick a grin at him before he returned to gently mouthing at his cock. Christ, he was hard enough already, Mark knew he definitely couldn't withstand much more.

He pulled at Sebastian to get him to move back up and Seb abandoned his efforts to clamber back over him. As Seb's face hovered above his Mark shook his head a little at the smile that still resided there.

“Jesus, you really are trying to kill me tonight,” Mark breathed heavily.

 

Seb pouted back at him and Mark softened his response, reaching up a hand to stroke at the side of his face.

“Honestly mate, you're incredible, but if you carry on like that there's no way I'm going to last the distance, not tonight.”

Mark moved his head up a little to kiss those beautiful pouting full lips, dropped back and sighed.

“I've told you, I'm an old man, you're going to do for me at this rate,” he complained.

Sebastian laughed and dropped himself down onto Mark's chest, absorbing the lovely feeling of their bodies rising and falling together, his cheek pressed into the side of Mark's

 

After a minute or two Seb lifted himself up slightly to look at Mark.

“You're not old. You're perfect... You're lovely... Perfectly lovely,” insisted Sebastian with a smile.

Mark smiled back at him for a moment before Sebastian shifted back and a wickedness crept back into that smile.

“Perfect.”

Seb leant in and licked at Mark's neck, all the way up to his jaw-line feeling the delightful roughness of his stubble there. Hearing the sharp intake of breath from Mark, Sebastian moved further down.

“Lovely.”

He licked Mark's chest and had to stop himself from laughing out loud at the groan Mark let out at that. Seb lifted himself up, straddling Mark's body and shifted back making sure to graze against Mark's body as he moved, grinning again as he felt his cock twitch as he skimmed his body over him to pin his legs down.

Mark lifted his head up and raised an eyebrow at him, daring him to do something more. Seb grinned back undeterred.

“Perfectly lovely,” he pronounced, before dipping down to lick right across the very base of Mark's stomach.

 

“ _Christ.”_

Mark's body jerked up uncontrollably and the motion so surprised Seb that it sent him off-balance. Mark used the moment to flip Sebastian onto his back. The movement knocked the wind out of Seb temporarily and he lay back gathering himself. As he looked up Mark was holding himself above Seb, shaking his head and utterly failing to hide the grin which was stealing onto his lips. Mark knew he needed to move things along, but seeing Seb like this was wonderful; that cheeky grin, that smile on those lips, the mischievous glint in those blue eyes, it was heartening to see Sebastian so carefree and happily lost to everything.

Seb started laughing again and Mark couldn't think of any kind of repost so he tickled at his side knowing how helpless that left him. He used his advantage to get a moment to get rid of his underwear and relieve Seb of his own.

 

As Mark dropped into place by Sebastian he saw that he had stilled, although his breath was still short. Mark leaned up a little and looked down at Seb more seriously. He was done playing.

“Now then,” he started.

Seb took a nice deep breath in to steady himself and moved his head up slightly to meet Mark in a kiss far softer than they had exchanged all night.

“That's better,” praised Mark in a low voice.

He was about to move on, but there was a much more tender look in Seb's eyes as he looked at him now and it made Mark pause. He laid himself back down beside Seb and they turned to face one another, leaning in to kiss slowly as their arms slid around one another to pull their bodies up tight. They found themselves instinctively moving against each other, the ongoing kiss interrupted by little moans and groans slipping out as they drew air. Chests and heart-rates were speeding up again and they both knew that they couldn't drag this out much longer.

 

Mark moved himself back and took a steady breath. He leant in and gave Sebastian a final soft kiss on the lips before pushing himself up. Seb rolled back to look at him and Mark smiled down.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded, still concentrating drawing in air rather than talking. Mark nodded back and picked up the bottle of lube to drop onto the bed by them. He stroked his hands down Sebastian's body as lightly as he could before moving further down. Mark dipped and kissed Seb's knee, then gently pushed it to the side. He carried on kissing up the inside of his thigh, nudging his leg carefully further over.

Seb lay back and let himself relax into the feeling of Mark so tenderly taking care of him. He did nothing to resist as Mark moved to kneel between his legs before leaning in to kiss Sebastian's other knee and repeating the action, kissing up along his inner thigh. He closed his eyes and allowed the sensations to take over. He could feel subtle drag of the stubble on Mark's jaw against his skin contrasting with soft touch of lips. The feeling was incredible, sending his already racing heart to such a rate Seb thought it might be enough alone to push him over the edge.

“ _Mark,”_ he gasped.

 

Mark lifted up at the note in Sebastian's voice.

“Yeah mate, it's okay.”

He moved over him trying not to lean any weight into Seb, kissing his lips so that Seb opened his eyes and looked at Mark smiling down at him.

“Okay?”

 

Sebastian gazed up at that handsome face looking at him so carefully and thought how that was Mark to him; the hard lines of his face with the rough stubble, but such a gentle look in his eyes. That was Mark; Aussie grit with the warmest, kindest heart. The man he loved and who, incredibly, loved him right back.

He reached his hand up and stroked it along that lovely stubbly jaw.

Seb took in a breath to enable him to speak. He stilled his hand, resting it against Mark's face and focussed himself try to say what he needed to.

“I love you,” he let out breathily.

Seb meant to say more than that, but when it came to it that was all he could say, it was all he needed to say.

Mark's smile widened.

“I know mate, I love you too.”

Mark leant in and let his body lie against Seb's so he could kiss him again, noses pressed alongside, giving them just enough air to breathe. He could feel Sebastian's heart beating through his chest, it seemed to flutter against his rib-cage as if it was attempting to break free. It seemed in stark contrast to Mark's own heart that was pounding heavily, trying to get enough blood around his body to let him do all the things he was trying to do at once.

 

“Love you too,” repeated Mark softly.

He gave Sebastian one more little kiss on the lips before lifting himself up.

“Now then.”

Mark smiled at Sebastian thinking they ought to get down to business. He reached for the bottle and turned back to him giving Seb another smile.

Seb let out a sigh and lifted up his body a little, asking for another kiss before lying back.

Mark moved over him and began distracting Sebastian by kissing at his jaw and neck while letting his hand drift down. Seb sighing into it and letting his eyes fall closed again.

 

 

“Oh.”

Sebastian gasped at the feeling of Mark touching him. Mark grinned and kissed at the pulse in Sebastian's neck, loving the way that his body jumped and twitched at his every touch, continuing what he was doing.

Seb's eyes were wide open now, staring at Mark's that looked down at him.

“That good?” checked Mark.

Sebastian wanted to answer, but speech seemed to have deserted him, so he just nodded, gaining a smile from Mark that slid into a grin as he crooked his fingers just so and Seb's body leapt up, his back arching and a cry falling from his lips. Mark sent his spare hand to catch him around the back of his neck and pulled Seb further up to kiss him again before lowering him back down and carrying on.

Seb's head fell back and he couldn't think anything other than how this felt. Mark was so amazing, he knew just what to do to make him feel like this, to take care of him so well.

“Mark, please,” he breathed urgently.

“Yeah mate,” agreed Mark, knowing it was time.

Mark kissed harder at his neck a moment, but Seb couldn't help letting out a moan as Mark withdrew his fingers.

“Sorry.”

Mark hated it if he ever caused Sebastian any discomfort. He kissed him gently in apology.

“Alright?” he checked.

“Yeah,” confirmed Seb. He moved his legs further apart and bent his knees higher to encourage Mark.

“Good. Okay then.”

Mark shifted position and put his hands on Sebastian's hips to manoeuvre him just a little so things could work before slowly pushing into him.

Sebastian mouth fell open in a helpless “Oh,” that Mark leaned into and captured with another kiss. He lifted up a little to look at how beautiful Seb was like this, giving himself up to him entirely, trusting him so completely. It was perfect. Seb was perfect and all his.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath in, concentrating on the soft way Mark was looking at him as he paused, knowing that he was giving him a moment to settle in to the feeling of having him inside him. His heart was already racing, but they needed to move, so Seb lifted his legs to wrap them around Mark to let him know that he was okay and they could carry on.

Mark didn't need to say anything, he simply nodded and kissed Seb one more time before lowering his body down so that they were pressed against one another and they could start to move together. Hearts beating too hard and chests pinned together, fighting to get the same air. Mark let his forehead lie against Sebastian's, their noses squashing in before finding a way to move slightly to accommodate themselves like this. He would never be able to find words to describe how this felt; to be so close, to be a part of one another, feeling every twitch of muscle and every gasped breath, it was amazing.

 

Sebastian moved his hands from gripping at Mark's shoulders and stroked them down Mark's arms to where they were holding onto him and encouraged them to let go. He felt Mark's hands slide into his own and press them gently into the pillow either side of his head, their fingers intertwining before grasping tightly. They were so together, they couldn't be more together than this. Seb let out another gasp as Mark started moving faster, his head was spinning now, all the blood gone from his head as it fired through his veins. He held on tighter to Mark and let himself go.

“Oh Mark, _Mark._ ”

Seb had no idea what he was saying. His head fell back and his body lifted up, lurching into Mark's uncontrollably. The movement was more than enough to send Mark following him, groaning as they dropped back down, Mark slowing his movements as they lay together, his head now resting on Sebastian's shoulder.

Mark lifted his head back up and gulped in some air to enable him to speak.

“Fucking hell mate.”

He grinned lazily at Sebastian and lowered his head back in to kiss him again. Breathing could wait. Breathing was over-rated. He could kiss Seb forever and it would never be enough.

 

Seb was the one who had to pull away. If he didn't get some oxygen into his brain soon he was definitely going to pass out. He took a deep breath and it did the trick, he felt a lot more settled now, if still a little floaty. Seb let go of Mark's hands realising how tightly he had still been holding on to them. Mark moved his hands to rest them either side of Seb's face, pressing his elbows into the mattress to lever himself up just a little more to help them breathe more easily. His heart was beating so hard he could hear it in his own eardrums.

“You okay?” checked Mark.

“Yes. Good. Better than good,” managed Sebastian.

“Good,” smiled Mark.

They could stay where they were for just another minute. Seb always wanted another minute and Mark always wanted to give Seb everything he wanted. Sebastian lifted his head up and brushed his nose against Mark's, once and then twice before Mark laughed at how cute he was. He kissed Seb again, knowing that they really did have to move now.

“Okay,” Mark whispered as Seb drew in a sharp little inhale.

 

He dropped down onto the mattress and slid his arm under Sebastian to pull him close. Seb pressing into him and wrapping an arm around Mark to keep them together as he dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder, forgetting the momentary emptiness he always felt at the loss of Mark.

Mark squeezed Seb tight and angled his head so he could see the smile he knew was there. He smiled back at Sebastian wondering what he had done in life to deserve something this amazing. Seb made him so happy, it was all Mark ever wanted to do to make Seb feel that in return. He ducked his head further down and kissed Sebastian's nose, getting a grin back.

He stroked his hand along Sebastian's side, marvelling in how soft his skin was. Seb was so lovely, Mark didn't know how he had got by in life before without him. Gorgeous and all for him, his Seb, his lovely Seb. He was the luckiest person in the whole world.

 

Mark sighed and rested his head against Sebastian's.

“I love you so much.” Mark gave him another squeeze. “I never want to let you go.”

Sebastian tipped his head back and looked up at Mark.

“Could make driving tricky. It's going to be an awful crush in the cockpit.”

Mark laughed and tickled Sebastian's side, loving the fact that made Seb wriggle against him. He pulled him up a bit so they could look at one another properly.

“Terror. You know what I mean.”

Sebastian smiled and nuzzled his face into Mark's.

“I do,” he breathed. “I never want to let you go either.”

“Ah well. Guess we'll just have to get bigger cars,” jested Mark.

“Only way,” agreed Seb.

“Only way,” echoed Mark.

 

He moved his head so that they were facing one another. Mark reached up a hand to place it against the side of Sebastian's face.

“I do actually mean it,” stated Mark. “I never want to let go of you.”

Seb smiled at him. Of course Mark meant it. He always meant what he said.

“Good.”

He snuggled in closer to Mark, putting his head back against his shoulder and hooking a leg over Mark's to pin himself tightly into his side.

“Let's just stay like this then,” Sebastian enjoined.

Mark huffed a laugh. Seb was so predictable, he never wanted to rush things, always longing to stay stay like this, needing to hold on to Mark and be held a while, anything else far too abrupt. So what if they ought to go clean up, whatever Seb wanted he could have.

“Okay,” consented Mark.

He pressed a kiss into Sebastian's hair and kept a tight hold of him. Mark meant it; he never wanted to let go.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly plot-heavy, but I hope that counts as a mid-week treat.
> 
> ;)


	54. One Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This a very long chapter, but I'm breaking a habit of late and not splitting it up because it actually took quite a lot for me to post this at all.

* * *

 

 

The two of them were curled up in bed together. Sebastian's head resting by the top of Mark's shoulder where it had slipped during the night, his body still pressed into Mark's side. The room was warm and shaded although the dawn was creeping in around the edge of the drawn curtains at the window. It was morning already.

 

The peace was shattered by an alarm blaring out from a phone on the nightstand. Mark groaned and pushed at Sebastian.

“That's yours,” he rumbled, eyes barely open.

Seb made an unhappy noise, but forced himself up to shut off the intrusive noise. Having succeeded, he dropped back down to bury his face in Mark's chest.

Mark shook his head.

“You need to get up mate,” he cajoled.

“Hmph, just five more minutes,” pleaded Sebastian.

He felt Mark's chest vibrate with a laugh.

“It's always five more minutes with you,” Mark noted.

Seb shifted to lie sideways against him.

“I never want to leave you, that's why.”

Mark smiled and grazed his hands along Seb's shoulder blades.

“Fine by me, but if you think I'm picking up the phone to Christian to explain why you're not at the track...”

“Hmphhh,” Seb sighed again, but he pushed himself up off Mark.

 

“Okay, I'm going for a shower,” stated Sebastian, hoping that if he said it out loud it would force him to actually go do that.

 

 

 

 

Mark reopened his eyes to see Sebastian getting dressed. As Seb pulled a team hoody over his head he turned and saw Mark was awake. He sat down on the bed beside him.

“Go back to sleep,” Sebastian entreated.

“Hmm?”

Sebastian smiled at Mark being dozy. He leant in and gave him a kiss.

“It's still early, go back to sleep.”

Mark shook his head and forced himself to sit up.

“No I want to have breakfast with you, hang on.”

Mark clambered out of bed and found some clothes to pull on so he could go downstairs and make the most of their time together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They stood on the doorstep. Sebastian predictably lingering for as long as possible before setting off.

“I can still come with you if you want,” offered Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“No it's okay. It's good practice. I need to get used to doing this for when you can't be there,” he explained, thinking of the upcoming races where his grand prix weekends clashed with testing or racing for Mark. Neither one of them even wanted to think about the autumn too much yet.

“Okay, well I'll be here. Give me a ring later when you can, yeah?”

“I'll be fine Mark. It's just set-up and press today,” reassured Sebastian.

“I know.”

Mark did not miss Thursdays of a grand prix weekend.

“Remember what we talked about, okay?”

Seb nodded. “If the media are really being arseholes try not to call them that to their faces.”

Mark grinned. “Dead right mate. Okay, I'm sure you'll be fine. But don't forget I'm only down the road, so if you change your mind, just give me a shout and I can come along, yeah?”

“Yeah alright,” agreed Sebastian. “Okay. Gotta go.”

 

Seb reached down and petted the dogs by Mark's side.

“See you later boys, I'll be home to walk you before dinner,” he promised.

If only all races could be this easy, thought Sebastian, his home comforts pretty much on Silverstone's doorstep.

He gave Mark a goodbye kiss and got a hug in return, locking it in his memory for later when he might need it. Seb tore himself away and climbed into his car to drive to the circuit. He was determined to be okay today. Sebastian knew that the press would not be fun after the articles that had been run in the past week, but he would get through it. He had got through the event at Goodwood when he had been so nervous, he could get through this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark sat on the sofa with the dogs at his feet, nursing a cup of coffee as reward for his earlier bike ride out. He flicked the channel on the television to see the hold screen informing him that the press conference was imminent. The scene changed to show the serried ranks of drivers whose lot it was to face the press this time around. Seb was on the front row and on seeing him the dogs immediately leapt up and went over to the screen, barking at it excitedly.

Mark laughed. “Daft creatures, he can't hear you. Come here. Here boys!”

The dogs ran back over to him and he gave them a stroke to get them to settle down.

“Yes it's Seb, I'm pleased to see him too. Now _sit_.”

The dogs obeyed and Mark shook his head at their excitement. They had only seen him that morning. The dogs really did love Seb, but then Mark knew how they felt; he had spent the day doing displacement activities trying to distract himself from worrying about how Seb was getting on. Looking at him now Sebastian seemed fine. He was chatting to Lewis and Mark wondered what it was they were saying. Mark shook his head at himself, he was not going to be jealous, that was ridiculous.

 

 

 

As the British driver, the first set of questions all went to Lewis, giving him a chance to repeat saying how happy he was to be at his home race in front of his adoring fans and confirm that yes of course he was hopeful of repeating his success from last year.

A question was finally asked to Sebastian who sat up to pay attention.

“This is your home race in many ways as well Sebastian.”

Seb nodded. “Yep. And of course the factory at Milton Keynes is just up the road, so this has always been a home race for RedBull. We'll be very happy to see so many of the team here this weekend getting a chance to attend a race and many of their families that support them while they're away as well.”

“Will you have support here this weekend?” asked the reporter.

Seb almost shook his head, he'd walked right into that one.

“Mark isn't here today,” noted the reporter.

 _Don't call them arseholes to their face,_ remembered Sebastian, nearly smiling too much at their private joke.

“No he's not, he'll be here over the weekend though,” explained Sebastian.

“So where is he today?” pressed the reporter.

 _Don't call them arseholes to their face._ Hadn't he just answered that question?

“Well right now I imagine he is sat on the sofa at home watching the start of the Nadal match on Centre Court,” Seb suggested, trying not to sound too annoyed at their nosiness.

 

 

“Oh yea of little faith,” mocked Mark sat at home. Admittedly he had been watching that a few minutes ago, but still.

 

 

“So he won't be here every day?”

Lewis whispered in Seb's ear. “What do they want? A schedule?”

Sebastian gave a tiny agreeing shrug back, but it helped prevent him from getting too annoyed at the inability of the media to drop things about him and Mark.

“Mark will be here on Saturday and Sunday. There's really not that much for him to see here today to be honest, fascinating as he finds all you guys standing about asking questions, naturally,” Seb joked.

The assembled press actually laughed a little in return, many remembering the barely disguised antipathy Mark had displayed to his Thursday media duties back when he was in F1.

“So you're looking forward to the weekend then?” asked another journalist.

“Of course,” replied Seb, wondering where this was going.

“You don't find it difficult with all the other things that are going on?”

Sebastian frowned. “Sorry?”

“You're not distracted by all the stories in the papers.”

 

Seb hid a sigh. He'd only been asked this question ten or twenty times already today. Maybe he had been stupid not to think about the fact that although he had faced the public at Goodwood he hadn't really been put in front of the media. Today had been a nasty shock on that front, but Seb knew he had to keep going and not let it get to him, or if it did, not to let it show.

“No. I am fully focussed on my job.”

“It doesn't bother you?”

 

Sebastian wanted to look the journalist in the eye and ask them if it would bother _them_ if the media spent all their time splashing _their_ private lives all over the front pages, but he knew that wasn't an option.

“I have more than enough to concentrate my attention on with the race this weekend.”

“It doesn't make it harder to concentrate on that with everything else?”

Why wouldn't they leave it? Why didn't they get that they were the ones going on about it, making it an issue?

_Deep breath, deep breath._

Lewis leant over and whispered in his ear.

“Don't let them get to you man.”

Sebastian glanced back and gave a small smile before turning back to the gathered media.

“I don't pay attention to every bit of rubbish that is in the tabloids.”

“So it's all rubbish then?”

_Don't let them get to you._

“Like I say, I don't pay attention to it.”

 

It wasn't exactly the truth, but what good would telling the truth do? Was he going to tell the media that seeing his past mistakes tossed out as juicy gossip for everyone to revel in, to pass judgement on, to pretend that they had never done things in their life that they regretted, tore him up inside and left him a sobbing mess for Mark to put back together again? Was he going to tell them that all this scrutiny messed with his head and left him wanting to hide from the whole world? That it left him distrustful and anxious about what might be revealed next? That it forced him to draw on all his strength to pick himself up off the floor. That it made him rely on Mark more than ever to bolster his confidence.

But it had also shown him that he did have support and love and it would never desert him. The number of phone calls he had from his family over the past week had told him that too, even though they had never mentioned the newspapers and merely asked how he was doing, it was obvious why they were calling. His little brother had texted so many times Seb had joked that Fabian was going to get told off for having his phone on in school. He had been relieved after the weekend to have something positive to talk about as he explained to Fabian all about how the Festival of Speed had gone.

None of his family had asked if the story was true and Seb just couldn't bring himself to discuss it with them when he knew how much it would hurt them. Henry had told him that he didn't have to feel guilty about trying to protect his family. It was hard not to, but Sebastian knew that his parents would blame themselves no matter how much he tried to play it down; any version of this story was still too awful to bare.

The past weekend had shown him what friends he had too, who backed him and didn't care about stories in the paper and certainly had no problem with him being with Mark.

Not all of the public seemed to care either. Certainly plenty of them paid him more attention now, but that wasn't entirely unreasonable, in fact most people had been fine, some more than fine, some people had been really great with him when he had no reason to expect anything from them. When it came down to it, most people seemed to be more fundamentally decent than Sebastian had thought possible. Seb wondered why it was that the press seemed to assume the opposite. Not all of them, but a good number seemed to aim for the lowest common denominator, and even the better ones made his life more difficult these days.

It wasn't fair, he'd done nothing to deserve this, but what could you do? Nothing. Just suck it up and keep going. Put on a brave front and don't call them arseholes to their face. He could do this. He'd done it before in far worse circumstances and with nothing like the support or the incentive of knowing what it was all worth.

 

 

 

The questions had dried up for a moment as the journalists saw that they were getting nowhere. Sebastian looked out at the crowd.

“No one got any questions about, oh I don't know, the car?” tried Seb.

The assembled media laughed again and back at home Mark shook his head, wondering how on earth Seb did that. He was incredible, such a tough little blighter. Mark wished he was there so he could give him a big hug the minute it was over.

 

Mysteriously none of the media seemed to have any questions about Seb's car or anything pertaining to his actual job as a driver, so they moved on to asking things of the other attendees of the conference. It was all pretty dull stuff and Mark was tempted to switch back to the tennis, but he waited it out just to make sure Sebastian was okay through to the end.

Seb and Lewis seemed to be chatting a fair bit throughout the conference, obviously finding it as boring as Mark did. Towards the end one of the reporters decided to pick up on it.

He addressed Lewis. “Would you care to tell us what is so interesting?”

Lewis looked up.

“Hmm? Oh well I was just asking Seb if he was going to do the decent thing and let me by easily when I'm lapping him in the race on Sunday.”

He smirked at Sebastian who coughed with mock-horrified laughter. That most definitely had _not_ been what they had been discussing.

“And I said _sure_ , if he'll do the same for me in Germany,” responded Seb.

The media laughed at what they knew was a joke and the mediator wrapped things up.

“Well on that friendly note, I think we'll call it a day. Thank you gentlemen, thank you everyone.”

 

 

 

Mark gave the dogs a little rub down as they looked sad at Sebastian disappearing from the screen.

“Aren't you proud of Seb, hmm? He did good, didn't he? Make sure you tell him later.”

He flicked over the remote control to see that Nadal was now a set down.

“Keep boxing fella. Don't ever give up,” insisted Mark out loud.

Mark pulled out his phone from his pocket and texted Sebastian much the same thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning they sat at the kitchen table having breakfast. It was the crack of dawn with Seb's early start at the track, but there was no way Mark wasn't going to get up with him. Especially today.

As Seb cleared away their plates and mugs Mark stepped out of the room for a moment, returning with an envelope.

“Happy birthday,” he congratulated again.

Sebastian laughed. “What's that? I thought we were holding everything off until Monday?”

Mark sat back down with him at the table and held the envelope back.

“It's a card. I've got to at least give you your card. Unless you don't want it?”

Seb plucked the card from Mark's hand.

“Of course I want it.”

He smiled and pushed his chair closer to Mark's to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

 

Sebastian looked at the envelope before opening it.

“Another year. I can't believe it. It only seems like five minutes since we were here last time around,” he remarked.

 

A year and so much had changed, but in many ways a lot remained the same; The more they thought about it, the more Mark and Sebastian both realised that they really had been together back then in so many of the ways that counted.

 

“Feeling old?” teased Mark.

Seb smiled at him. “Yeah, twenty-eight, _god.”_

Mark laughed. “Well I turn forty next year mate, so tread carefully.”

Sebastian laughed back. He didn't think Mark seemed anything like that old.

“Go on then,” encouraged Mark.

 

Sebastian opened the envelope and smiled at the picture of two giraffes with their necks entwined. He thought it said so much more about them than some ordinary birthday card. Maybe it was soppy, but Mark wasn't sure he cared quite so much about letting himself feel silly when it was Seb.

Mark watched his reaction and was relieved to see that Seb looked pleased at his choice. It had taken him an age to select it, trying to find something appropriate in half a dozen shops in Oxford earlier in the week while Sebastian had been at his therapy session.

 

Seb grinned and shook the card and then the empty envelope over the table, pretending to look disappointed.

Mark frowned at him.

“What?”

Sebastian looked at him impishly.

“I'm just checking for anything included, you know, a tenner or something. I thought at least a fiver...”

Mark rolled his eyes.

“Am I your grandmother?”

Seb gave him a sly look.

“Well you are turning forty next year.”

Mark scoffed.

“So ungrateful.”

Sebastian's face straightened.

“I am grateful,” he insisted, sounding much more serious.

“Besides, you know you're not getting your present until Monday,” reminded Mark.

“I know.”

“Don't want you getting too excited all at once now you're so old, anyway,” teased Mark.

The smile returned to Sebastian's face.

“Don't tell me, you've got me a zimmer frame, right?”

Mark chuckled.

“Well now you've gone and spoiled the surprise.”

Seb gave him a little teasing shove with his shoulder.

Mark shrugged happily.

“Hardly any point wrapping it now.”

Seb shook his head.

“Behave, I'm trying to read your handwriting.”

 

He opened up the card properly and read what Mark had written inside. Mark attempting not to watch too carefully for Seb's reaction and failing miserably.

Sebastian pouted and Mark wondered what was wrong.

“Oh Mark.”

Seb sniffed and pushed at his eyes with his sleeve. Mark sent his arm around him and pulled Seb in for a hug.

“Daft thing. It wasn't meant to have that affect on you.”

He squeezed Sebastian in and gave him a kiss at the side of his forehead. Seb pressed into Mark for another moment, pulling himself together before replying.

“Thank you. You make me happy too,” Sebastian asserted.

“Good,” agreed Mark. “I'm very glad to hear it.”

 

“You're _sure_ you don't want me to come along today?” Mark wondered.

After all that Seb had told him about what he had endured yesterday Mark didn't like to think of him being on his own again.

“It's okay. You'll only be bored.”

Mark was about to protest, but Sebastian continued.

“Besides I really need to learn to manage to do this on my own a bit. You're not going to be in Hungary.” Mark had testing that weekend. It couldn't be helped.

“A practice practice?” joked Mark, wanting to keep things light.

“Exactly, and this way I get used to doing the day at the track on my own, but I still get to come home to you, so it's not so bad,” Sebastian explained.

“Good plan,” concurred Mark, thinking it did make sense and in a way it was practice for him too, reminding him that Seb was quite capable of standing on his own two feet. If Mark never left his side how would Sebastian feel to suddenly be on his own?

Sebastian took a deep breath in.

“Okay, I need to head off.”

 

Mark nodded and they got up. Seb collecting his gear and Mark paying attention to the dogs to let him get on. They said goodbye on the doorstep again and Mark started to wonder if it wasn't him clinging onto Sebastian.

“I hope everything goes well today.”

“Thanks.”

“I'll see you later then.”

“Yeah.” Seb paused. “Will you be watching?”

Mark grinned and sent his hands around Sebastian's lower back to pull him in.

“Of _course_ I'll be watching. You know, if I can tear my attention away from the tennis.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. Mark had teased him enough about saying that yesterday.

“Thank you. And thank you for the card. It's lovely.”

Seb had snuck it into his bag to take with him, thinking he could re-read it when he got back to his little room in the motorhome and was sad that Mark wasn't there to meet him.

“No problem. Have a great day, a great birthday,” Mark insisted.

“Thanks. Okay. Well are you going to let me go then?”

 

Seb raised an eyebrow at Mark who gave a little shake of his head.

“Probably not,” he joked, before pulling Sebastian in tighter to kiss him for a while.

Finally pulling away, Seb smiled.

“I'm already having a pretty good birthday.”

Mark laughed and released him.

“Righto, well we'll see you later.”

“Yes. Later boys and thank you for your present too.”

Mark pulled a face.

“Oh crikey don't encourage them. I'm sure that was just a coincidence.”

Seb just grinned and shrugged. He gave the dogs a pat and Mark a quick last kiss before pushing off, Mark holding on to the dogs' collars with one hand to stop them chasing Seb's car down the lane. Mark waved and turned back into the house. He needed to go and find a spade in the garage to go and bury the dead bird that the dogs had brought in for Sebastian, looking so proud of themselves as they deposited it on the kitchen doormat.

“Soppy creatures. You could have at least gift-wrapped it.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood in the pen with Britta by his side, trying to find a hundredth answer to the hundredth variation on the question as to whether he was capable of concentrating on driving currently and whether that was the reason his times from today lingered in the mid-field. It didn't matter that he had pointed out that the team had been running some experimental updates during free practice today, apparently he must be too upset by the tabloids to press the accelerator properly.

He was trying very hard not to let it get to him, but it was harder and harder as the weekend went on not to feel worn down by it. None of the reporters ever seemed to actually refer to any of the specifics of the stories. That almost annoyed Sebastian more; they weren't brave enough to confront it head on, they just sidled around the subject, but it wasn't as if he was about to go into all that.

 

Yet another journalist was pressing him to give a reaction to the stories in the tabloids.

“You say you don't read the papers, but you must be aware of the stories that have been run about your past?”

Sebastian shrugged. What could he say?

“So you are aware of them?” pressed the journalist.

Seb did his very best not to sigh. He glanced at Britta, but he knew that there was little she could do.

“I'm not going to dignify that rubbish with response,” tried Sebastian.

“So you maintain that the stories are just rubbish?”

Sebastian didn't know what to say. He had meant that the papers were rubbish. He had no way of being sure if the story itself was factual.

Britta saw how badly he was struggling and moved him along.

 

At the next corner several reporters were crushing in at once, pushing microphones and little recorders under his nose. Sebastian took half a step back, knowing that in terms of body-language it was a sign of weakness, but it was a human reaction, he was still human. Seb couldn't understand why didn't they seem to want to treat him like one.

Several reporters said his name at once and Seb felt as though he was in front of a tidal wave of noise. He forced himself not to take another step back and let Britta try to take control by indicating which journalist should ask their question.

“How are you holding up Seb?”

Sebastian forced his face into an impassive mask.

“I'm fine, thank you. I'm fully focussed on my racing.”

The more he said it, the hollower that answer sounded.

“But it must be difficult.”

Seb shrugged.

 

Another reporter pressed forward.

“Are the allegations true?”

 _Allegations?_ What the hell? Even if the stories were true, horrible, but true, he hadn't broken any laws.

“I'm not talking about that.”

“Why not?”

What the very fuck? Seriously? What was wrong with these people?

 

“Since you've come out you haven't discussed anyone in your past from before you were with Mark,” noted another reporter.

Sebastian looked at them directly.

“No. Why would I?”

The reporter had no qualification to excuse their enquiry. The obvious answer was that Seb had precisely zero motivation to fulfil the media's seemingly insatiable desire to share salacious details with the world. They just wanted more juicy stories to pore over, they had no idea of the horror that lurked in his past and sharing it with the media was the very last thing Seb wanted to do. The papers finding out about Heikki was still the fear that woke him in the middle of the night.

 

“Seb.”

“Seb.”

“ _Seb.”_

 

Sebastian looked at Britta, silently pleading with her to try to control this.

“Okay he won't be answering anyone if you don't calm down,” stated Britta firmly. “Right. You.”

She pointed at another reporter, frantically waving their recording device through the writhing mass of arms.

 

“Do you think that you're a good role model for young people watching F1?”

“I'm not here to be a role model. I'm here to race,” insisted Seb.

“Bernie says you are,” asserted the reporter.

“Says I am what?”

Sebastian frowned. Did the reporter mean that Bernie had said he _was_ a good role model, or did he mean that he _should_ be a good role model?

The reporter looked slightly uncomfortable with being the one asked a question.

“Well, umm, he said you ought to be setting an example,” the reporter recounted.

 

Seb nodded, trying not to let on that he knew that the head of his sport was implying that he clearly _wasn't_ setting a good example. The hypocrisy of a man richer than god who avoided prosecution for bribery and avoiding taxes by paying for the problem to go away, who happily dismissed women as domestic appliances and had a wife young enough to be his grand-daughter, suggesting that _Sebastian_ was a bad example made his blood boil, but Seb knew that the fastest way to make his life harder than it was already was would be to say anything like that.

 

“Right, well you'll have to ask him about that,” Sebastian dismissed.

“You don't want to respond?”

“No.”

He did, but he wasn't stupid enough to do so.

 

Another journalist got the nod from Britta.

“Sebastian, you've always lead a fairly private life before now. Is this what you were hiding?”

That felt like a blow to the stomach. The difference between keeping something private and hiding it was really only one of semantics, but Seb knew that there were things he was hiding.

 

“I don't think it is unreasonable to expect that I am entitled to a private life,” suggested Seb in a voice that attempted to sound much more reasonable than he felt.

“But you are a public figure.”

“I'm a sports person.”

“You are very well-rewarded for that.”

So the punishment for being successful was that the world got to know everything about him? How did that work?

 

Seb curled up a hand and dug a nail into his palm, the action unseen by the massed journalists in front of him. It worked as a distraction from giving in to emotion. Sebastian wasn't sure if he wanted to yell at them or run away and cry. Both really.

 

“What's your point?” enquired Seb, knowing he sounded testy.

The reporter hesitated.

“Um, well you are a high profile figure. People want to know more about you.”

Did that make it right to fulfil those base desires to pry into every aspect of his life?

Sebastian couldn't help but sigh just a little.

“I think they already know plenty. I'm not sure that being successful means that I give up all right to privacy.”

 

He looked at Britta trying to make it clear he needed out of this and she finally got the hint, moving Seb on to another huddle of reporters.

 

“Seb, how is all this attention distracting you from racing?”

“Seb, are your slow times this afternoon because you have lost focus?”

“Seb, how can you say that none of this is affecting you?”

“Seb, are your poor results lately a consequence of how hard you have been hit by press intrusion?”

 

 

Bite, bite, bite. The paddock was sometimes referred to as the piranha club. It usually meant the coterie of powerful team bosses who controlled the sport, but it applied just as well to the media who populated it.

 

Britta had warned him that they might deliberately do this, keep pushing hoping for a reaction. Pressing Seb over and over, as if they were prodding at an open wound, ghoulishly waiting for him to snap so they could report on how he wasn't coping.

Sebastian tried to swallow that hurt down, to hold his emotions back. He wore his mask for them and made sure he took Britta's advice and thought carefully before replying. He took Mark's advice too and did his very best not to call the arseholes to their face.

 

Britta gave him a little shrug and a sympathetic smile as they moved on around the pen and Seb managed to give her a smile back. It wasn't her fault. Poor Britta, these complications weren't what she had signed up for with her role. He knew she had to trawl through all kinds of rubbish every day to keep an eye out for anything she might need to head off at the pass. Seb was aware Britta only informed him of anything she really thought he needed to know, leaving out the petty gossip of no consequence that always floated around the paddock and the media that populated it.

So another deep breath and a reset as Sebastian moved on to the next journalist. He always did his best to not think of them all as the same. There were some that Seb had known for many years who had never done him any harm. It was as unfair to lump them all into the same category as it was for people to make assumptions him or to think he was a different person now that they knew he was gay, or to think they knew anything about his past because they had read a story in something that laughingly called itself a newspaper.

 

Seb tried to think what Mark would do in his place. Probably make some dry little quip to set them straight. Sebastian often tried to think what Mark would do in situations that made him uncomfortable; When he walked along the paddock and saw visitors or personnel from other teams staring at him and talking behind their hands, Seb knew that Mark would always look them in the eye to show it was them that should feel ashamed, so that was what he did.

 

As they moved around the pen the numbers of journalists thinned out as they had clearly rushed to be in position to catch him as early as possible while he did his rounds. Sebastian stopped on the far side in front of Will.

“Hi Sebastian, are you hanging in there?” greeted Will.

He had seen Seb getting bombarded on the other side and had repositioned himself away from that in the hope that he might get to have a chance to properly talk to him.

Seb shrugged.

“Okay, we'll start then.”

Will signalled his cameraman to record.

“Sebastian, this is obviously a trying time for you. Is it a relief to get away from all this and actually get in the car?”

Sebastian actually huffed a laugh.

“Umm, yeah I guess you could say that.”

“You must be tempted to turn your F1 car around and drive it out of the exit,” suggested Will.

Not such a bad idea right now.

 

Seb managed to smile.

“I'd imagine Christian would have something to say about that.”

“I'm sure. So, well, I'm sorry if this seems like an unfair question to ask, but is all this hassle putting you off the sport as a whole?”

Sebastian puffed a breath out and shook his head.

“No. I love racing. It's what I have worked my whole life to get to do. I still love doing it. Nothing about who I am has changed.”

“People may see you differently.”

Seb opened out his hands helplessly.

“I can't do anything about that.”

“No. Well I'm sure you'll be glad to get another chance to show them that you've not changed this weekend.”

“I'll be racing in exactly the same way I always have,” insisted Sebastian.

Will was a decent bloke in amongst some sharks, but it was still hard for Seb not to say he shouldn't have to show anyone that he was still a racing driver.

 

 

Sebastian had thought he was past all the print journalists now, but a representative from 'The Guardian' appeared by Will's side, proffering a recorder.

“Sebastian, how do you respond to those who say that by refusing to discuss your sexuality you are failing in your responsibilities?”

Seb was a little thrown, that was a new approach.

“What responsibilities?”

“To be a representative of the homosexual community.”

He wanted to say that he had little experience of any such 'community'. The journalist made it sound like a village fête where everyone knew everyone.

 

“I don't consider myself to be a representative of anything other than as a RedBull driver. I take my responsibility on that score seriously. I'm just trying to do my job. Nothing about who I am should have any affect on that. My sexuality doesn't define me.”

The journalist nodded.

“That's a pretty strong response.”

“Is it? I'm not sure why it should have to be,” admitted Seb.

He couldn't work out why saying he wasn't a walking talking symbol for whatever other people wanted him to be would be considered anything other than the most normal reaction.

 

 

 

Seb and Britta reached Lee in the corner and he relaxed a little bit, knowing that she at least wasn't out to get him. He gave her a genuine smile.

“Hi Lee.”

“Hello Seb. Mixed day for you so far,” offered Lee.

“Yeah you could say that,” replied Sebastian wryly.

“RedBull were trying some new updates today I believe.”

Seb nodded. “Yes, I'm not sure they gave quite the results we were hoping for, but you really only learn from trying them out.”

“Not time wasted then?”

“No no, time on track is never wasted. The engineers will be analysing it and learning from the data to make improvements I have no doubt.”

“You're still optimistic for the weekend?” checked Lee.

“Of course.”

“You're not a jaded old soul yet then?” smiled Lee.

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“Not just yet.”

Lee regarded him a pretend serious face.

“At the grand old age of twenty-eight.”

“Well with all these young faces around I do feel pretty aged, but then these things are relative.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking that at least he wasn't almost forty like some he could mention.

“Of course, yes as it's your birthday today, how remiss of me to not say; Happy birthday Seb,” congratulated Lee.

“Thank you.”

 

His birthday and this was how he was spending it; being grilled endlessly by the media. But then he had also been spending it driving an F1 car. Sebastian thought back to a conversation he'd had with Mark exactly a year ago and smiled at the memory.

 

He looked back over at Lee.

“You know, I'm getting to spend my day driving a formula one car, that's pretty much the best birthday I could wish for,” asserted Sebastian. He looked directly at the camera and hoped that Mark might be watching and know that he was saying that in tribute to him.

“When I was younger this was what I wished for on every birthday, so I know how lucky I am to have this privilege. I'm a very fortunate person in so many ways.”

“A lot has obviously changed for you since this time last year,” suggested Lee, thinking how much Sebastian had been through in recent times.

Seb shrugged. “Yes and no I guess.”

 

He saw Lee looking at him, clearly dying to know if that meant he had been with Mark this time a year ago. He wasn't about to tell her, even someone as friendly as Lee was still a representative of the media. Besides Seb wasn't entirely sure he knew the answer; he and Mark hadn't been together then, but they hadn't exactly _not_ been together either. The note Mark had written Seb for the race then had been as affecting and was as treasured as the message in his card this morning.

 

“You've had a pretty tough time of it lately away from the car,” sympathised Lee. “That must make things seem rather simpler in the past.”

 _God, if only she had any idea,_ thought Seb.

He shook his head slightly.

“You know, not really. Would I rather that the only time I made the papers it was because of what I'd achieved in racing? Sure. I'm not a robot. Of course I'd prefer that.”

It was the closest he had come to admitting that the coverage upset him, but Sebastian wasn't about to show too much weakness and encourage the piranhas to keep feeding.

“But given the choice between what I had before, and what I have now, well it's no choice at all.”

Lee smiled and nodded.

Sebastian paused, wondering if he had just given too much? It was all too easy to over-relax when you were talking to someone you trusted.

“I'm sure Mark's very happy to hear that,” suggested Lee with a wry smile.

Fuck it, he'd said it now and he had meant it too.

“Ah I'm sure he's too busy watching the tennis,” joked Sebastian.

 

 

“I'm bloody not,” countered Mark, addressing only the dogs.

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as he was done with the pen Seb had gone back to his room, flopped onto the bed and called Mark to moan about the press, knowing that he needed to get it out of his system with someone who wasn't going to judge him or share it with anyone else.

When he got home that evening Sebastian wanted to leave the trials of the paddock far behind him. He walked the dogs and ate dinner at the kitchen table, he sat and watched a little television and slid into bed while it was still light outside to get an early night.

All very unremarkable, very routine, very ordinary. It was easily the best part of his birthday because every one of those things had been done with Mark.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Sunday morning Sebastian was walking along the paddock back from the pre-race meeting in the garage when he received a text from Mark letting him know that Jenson and David were around the motorhome if he had time for a coffee. He texted back that he had a window before he had to get ready and would see them in a minute. It was a slightly pointless text seeing as he was halfway there already, but Seb replied anyway.

 

Mark stood up from the little table they were at in the hospitality area as soon as he saw Sebastian walk through the door. He gave him a wave and a smile and Seb headed over, Jenson and David grinning to see how happy they both instantly looked the minute they saw one another. Mark stayed stood up until Sebastian reached him and gave him a kiss on the cheek and asked if he wanted anything. Seb shook his head. He had his drink bottle. His pre-race intake was carefully monitored, so he didn't want to mess with that.

As they both sat down Sebastian said hello to the other two occupants of the table, Jenson saying hi and David laughing.

“Oh lord, I should have known. You're one of _those_ couples.”

 

Mark and Seb looked at him, confused as to what he meant.

“What?” prompted Mark.

David grinned.

“All over each other.”

The pair pulled faces at him.

“No we're not,” responded Sebastian.

“Not compared to Monaco, I grant you,” allowed David.

Mark rolled his eyes.

“That was more than a month ago. You not over it yet?” wondered Mark.

 

Both of them had individually seen DC at races since then, but with everything that had been going on it was the first time they had sat down for a chat since the joint interview on the floating motorhome.

 

David huffed a laugh.

“Over it? I think I'm still in shock.”

Jenson laughed and shook his head.

“Ah come on, it's not that surprising is it?”

David looked at him.

“I'm just saying a bit of warning would have been nice.”

“We didn't plan it,” defended Sebastian.

 

Honestly they'd been through this so many times, how could DC think that?

“No I don't mean that. I mean I want to know how it is you never told me. You've ruined my reputation as the RedBull insider.”

His tone was humorous, but there was a tiny part of David that was put out that they hadn't confided in him.

“I mean Jenson here knew,” continued David.

“Ah well I guessed,” interjected Jenson.

“Hmm.”

 

Mark looked at David. He was tempted to tell him what a notorious gossip he was, but perhaps that was a bit harsh.

“You're on the other side now mate.”

David looked uncomprehending, so Seb spelt it out.

“Media. Sorry DC, but you are.”

“Friendship counts for nothing these days,” complained David in a pretended aggrieved tone.

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“Friendship counts for plenty, which is why I always talk to you on the grid when you look lost and sad on your own.”

The table laughed at that, thinking of the times they had teased David about his grid-walks going wrong when everyone seemed to disappear leaving him wandering about looking lonely, frantically trying to fill the airtime until someone took pity on him and allowed him to interrupt their preparations by giving a few words.

“Good, so you'll still let me interview you today,” seized David.

“Go on then,” agreed Seb. “Just so long as it's all business,” he bargained.

 

“See, don't say they're not good to you,” asserted Jenson, giving David a teasing little pat on the arm.

Mark rolled his eyes again.

“Honestly, I swear the reason everyone is so surprised about me and Seb is the amount you two flirt they expected it to be you pair.”

Sebastian laughed at that.

“We do _not_ flirt,” disagreed David.

Jenson leaned in closer to him.

“Oh we really do pumpkin,” grinned Jenson, enjoying winding DC up as ever.

Mark looked at Seb by his side.

“Far worse than us,” he smiled.

 

Sebastian nodded. David and Jenson's innuendo-filled airtime had grown legendary over the years. Quite how they got away with it on the BBC was a mystery. Not that it meant anything other than a game that had grown between them as they dared each other to go further to entertain themselves in otherwise dull little VTs filmed to fill pre-race time.

 

Seb was about to add something to the discussion, enjoying the opportunity to tease DC in return for his teasing of them, when his phone rang and he excused himself from the table to take the call from his little brother.

 

A few minutes later he returned. Fabian had just been wishing him luck for the race, but Sebastian had realised he was out of spare time now and needed to head up to his room to change.

Having been speaking in German to his brother, Sebastian accidentally forgot to switch languages and addressed Mark in his native tongue.

“I'd better head up and get changed.”

“Okay, I'll be up in a few minutes,” replied Mark also in German, almost surprising himself with how he managed to do that.

 

 

Seb walked off and Mark turned back to see his companions gawking at him.

“Erm, since _when_ do you speak German?” challenged David.

Mark shrugged and laughed.

“Erm, since Seb is German,” he countered.

The other two were still staring in surprise at him, so Mark explained.

“I'm just learning. It'll help for Porsche too.”

Jenson looked slightly perturbed by that idea so Mark took the opportunity to wind him up a bit.

“Yeah it's in your contract mate, you should've checked that.”

Jenson realised that he was joking.

“Damn, knew I should have read that small print.”

“Live and learn.”

“So how long have you been learning German?” asked Jenson more seriously.

Mark shrugged again.

“A few months.”

David and Jenson exchanged a look and David raised an eyebrow at Mark.

“I'm not much cop,” expanded Mark.

“When have you been doing that then?” asked Jenson.

“Oh well, when I've got time to kill. I've got an audio course thing and books and you know... _Seb_.”

The other two still looked slightly amazed which Mark thought was odd. Why wouldn't he make an effort to try to learn Seb's language?

“Plus we watch some German DVD's occasionally,” Mark recalled.

 

DC cracked up laughing.

“Oh aye, I'll _bet_ you do.”

Mark shook his head at the pair of them snickering like teenagers.

“ _TV_ programmes. Honestly, god knows what you think we get up to in your fevered imaginations. We're just a normal couple. I mean really, if the papers only knew how boring we are, I'm sure they'd lose interest,” he explained.

Jenson smacked a still sniggering David around the back of the head to shut him up.

“Of course you are. Behave yourself DC,” he reprimanded as if he hadn't been laughing as well.

David forced his face back to normal.

“Yes. Sorry. Of course you are.”

“Yeah,” agreed Jenson. “Everyone's going to be terribly disappointed when they realise how ordinary you two are.”

Mark gave an acknowledging tip of his head.

“Yeah well, the sooner the better.”

He stood up.

“I should go. See you guys later.”

Mark walked away to catch Seb up in his room, leaving Jenson and David to it.

 

 

 

David turned to Jenson.

“Well.”

Jenson smiled back.

“Told you, didn't I?”

“Mm, learning German though. That's pretty committed,” suggested David.

“They're really serious. I _told_ you. You know I'm sure this has been going on for ages,” speculated Jenson.

“They've really not said?”

“Nope.”

David frowned, thinking things through.

“I'm trying to work out when Mark started showing up at races with him.”

“Well he was there in Australia a year ago,” laughed Jenson.

“Oh come on, it can't be that long? Can it?”

Jenson shrugged.

“Seb did say he'd been staying with Mark pre-season last year,” mused David.

Jenson shook his head.

“Let it go, they're not telling people.”

“I don't see why not.”

“Because I think they're sick of being the subject of gossip.”

 

David looked offended.

“I am _not_ a gossip.”

He looked over at a dubious Jenson.

“I very rarely gossip.”

David sighed.

“Okay, I'm careful what I gossip about,” he admitted, knowing he was defeated.

Jenson smiled.

“Yeah, fair enough. They're still not going to be telling you. Anyway, isn't it time for us to go prep that pre-race bit?”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

 

They started to get up and make their way over out into the paddock.

“You are going to stick to your promise to Seb aren't you?” checked Jenson as they walked along.

“Hm? Oh I guess. Honestly, they're no fun.”

Jenson gave him a look.

“It's not fun for them DC,” he pointed out.

“S'pose not,” conceded David.

“All that crap in the papers about them, and now that stuff last week... Be nice.”

“I'm always nice.”

“Be _extra_ nice.”

“Yes mother.”

Jenson patted him on the shoulder.

“Good boy.”

David rolled his eyes, but he was reminded that Jenson did have a point. Maybe he could do Seb and Mark a favour and keep Eddie away from them today? Least he could do in the circumstances really. They did deserve a break.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up in Sebastian's room Mark sat on the bed while Seb sorted himself out to get ready for the race.

Seb stopped fussing and stood in the centre of the room.

“All set?” checked Mark.

“Yep. Think so.”

“Okay then.”

Mark stood up and gave him a firm hug.

“Not nervous are you?” Mark wondered.

Sebastian squished his face back and forth and gave a half-shrug.

“I don't know. A bit maybe. I'm not even sure why,” he admitted.

This weekend had proved harder than he had anticipated. Maybe that had been naïve, it might have been that things working out at Goodwood had lulled him into a false sense of security.

At least yesterday hadn't been so bad. Perhaps it wasn't great that Mark being there made him feel so much better, but it was true. It also helped that once the car had been restored to its original settings it had given Seb much more in qualifying than he had expected and he had got a far higher gridslot than Friday had suggested.

 

Mark nodded, he had guessed as much from how quiet Sebastian had been. Mark put his arms around Seb's back and kept him close.

“Nerves are good. Nerves keep you on your toes, keep you alert, makes you sharp,” asserted Mark.

Seb smiled, letting that sink in.

“You've got a good starting position, the car's been fine and the weather's alright,” reeled off Mark, still picking out all the positives.

“I just want the chance of a fair fight,” stated Sebastian. He knew battling the Mercedes on this track would be a challenge.

Mark's face fell.

“Oh damn, wish you'd said. I feel bad about sticking my pen-knife in all the tyres over at Mercedes now.”

Sebastian cracked up as Mark grinned at him.

“Idiot.”

Mark shrugged.

“Yeah but you love me anyway.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I do.”

He put his arms round Mark and pulled him closer to get a good kiss in before pulling back.

“Right, time to go,” Sebastian asserted and they headed off to the garage.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark sat in the garage, tucked away at the back with a decent view of the TV screens so he could monitor what was going on. Right now he was watching Sebastian being interviewed by DC as promised. They were joking light-heartedly and Mark was relieved to see that Seb looked relaxed and comfortable. Whether he was putting that on a bit for the cameras Mark couldn't be completely sure, but at least if he was able to do that it had to mean he was pretty much managing okay and David had stuck to his word and wasn't asking Seb anything more personal than whether it was nice to be racing so close to home, which Seb agreed it was.

Mark spotted another camera moving to zoom in on him and as the interview with Seb on the grid drew to a close the shot predictably cut to the RedBull garage. He looked away from the screen, trying not to be too weirded out seeing himself on television, and smiled at the camera. It wasn't that he was especially happy to be highlighted yet again, but there was no point showing that to the world. Mark gave a wave and his smile widened as he thought that wave was for the dogs at home, wondering if they were getting over-excited to see him and Sebastian. It was probably final clinching proof that he and Seb had gone insane that they had left the television on for them to watch today.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in his car and took a deep breath to steady himself. He was fine. Once in the car he wasn't thinking about anything other than the task at hand. A few nerves were no big deal if you viewed them as a positive as Mark reminded him to. A p3 start was about the best he could have achieved in qualifying barring disaster for Mercedes, so he should be happy with that and he was. A second place start last year hadn't done him many favours, but it did no good to think about that fact, so he shut it out. Seb had to admit to himself that he wasn't exactly displeased that Dan was stuck behind the two Williams after him due to a penalty for exceeding the track limits. He had wished him luck in the garage and meant it, but just as it always was with team-mates; it was 'good luck, but not more luck than me please'.

He tested the bite-point on his clutch and readied for the formation lap. Everything was as good as he could hope; alright position, decent weather, car seemed okay, positive vibe in the garage, Mark in there watching and supporting him. Now it was just down to him, the team, the car and a dollop of good luck (and please, just a smidge more than Daniel).

 

 

 

 

 

They were running at that strange stage in a race where all the strategies were playing out as teams took differing amounts of pit-stops at different times and it was hard to assess where drivers really stood. Sebastian was currently seventh after his second, and hopefully last, pitstop. He had gone as long as he could on his middle stint which had hurt his position, but now Seb was on the faster mediums and he only had fifteen laps left, so in theory he ought to be able to push hard to take advantage of them.

Mark had been enduring the torture of watching the race play out on the screens above him and on the radio as he listened on his headphones. He had held his breath at the start as Nico and Lewis battled it out from the off, praying that if they came together Seb would manage to avoid the fallout.

As it was the trouble came further down the field when one of the Saubers caught the side of Hulkenburg's Force India taking them both out and calling the safety car into play. Mark felt bad for his temporary team-mate, but they had both walked away unharmed and Sebastian had been too far in front to be affected, so from his selfish point of view all it meant was a few extra laps on the hard tyre and a bit of fuel saved, which Mark knew was always handy later in the day.

 

He had watched the pit-stops pass thankfully with supreme efficiency outside the RedBull garage for both Seb and Dan which was a relief. Mark always felt for the mechanics who were part of the pitstop crew; It was all over in the blink of an eye, but there was hardly a more pressured job in F1.

Sadly the same level of perfection had not been in evidence over at Mercedes for once; Rosberg had come in for his first stop holding his lead from pole, but a problem with one of the wheel-nuts sticking meant that Lewis had over-taken him and he had spent the rest of the time since frantically trying to regain that lead to no avail. Some poor soul there was going to get an ear-bashing after the race no doubt.

 

Dan's strategy and some nifty over-taking had shuffled him up the pack to sit ahead of the two Williams and he was going well, but he had pitted earlier than Sebastian, so there was still some possibility there. Mark was trying to calculate it all in his head, but there were too many imponderables, so he stopped trying and refocussed his attention on simply watching the race play out.

Seb was coming up on Alonso in sixth and Mark was having flashbacks to last year. No way was Fernando going to give up a place easily, it just wasn't in his nature. Mark had managed to fit in a nice catch-up with his friend yesterday while Sebastian was busy, but there was no doubt in Mark's mind as to who he wanted to come out on top in this tussle.

 

 

 

Sebastian could see Alonso up ahead and he knew that if he was going to regain his earlier spot he needed to get past him as fast as possible, but he also knew that Fernando was one of the toughest drivers on the grid and it wasn't going to be easy.

One lap, two. Seb knew he was wasting time, wasting his nice fresh tyres trying to get by. He had trailed Fernando all the way from Brooklands, only inches behind, and now as they came onto the straight towards Copse he put his foot down and managed to get a nose up the inside. If he could just hold that line Sebastian knew Alonso was far too smart a driver to cut him up and potentially send them both out. Maybe Fernando would power around the outside, maybe Seb could cut up the inside, the only way to find out was to risk it. He just had to hold his nerve.

 

In the garage Mark's grin spread as he thought that his friend ought to have realised that Sebastian was about to pull the same trick he managed last year. Moments later he was laughing out loud as Seb did just that.

Mark shook his head and spoke under his breath.

“Sorry Fernando. You should have seen that coming.”

 

There were friends and there was the person you loved. No contest.

 

 

Sebastian was smiling into his helmet too as Christian came on the radio to praise him.

“Nice Sebi, now go get those Williams.”

It was precisely what he intended to do.

 

 

Seb made relatively short work of both Massa and Bottas, getting by the pair of them within one lap. Now came the tricky business of going into battle with his team-mate.

 

Mark felt the tension rise in the garage as Sebastian closed in on Daniel.

1.243 seconds behind; not enough to get DRS.

 _Push push push,_ thought Mark, willing Seb on. With tyres eight laps newer than Dan's he ought to have a good chance, but he needed to be closer than that.

 

He wasn't able to watch if Sebastian was achieving that for the moment though as FOM cut back to the battle between the Mercedes in front. Nico had got right back up on Lewis' tail and for a moment Mark actually forgot about Seb as he watched with an open mouth as Nico floored the car and opened his DRS on the Hangar Straight to get by. Mark pulled one headphone off to hear for himself the noise of the crowd; 100,000 people sighing unhappily as one. Stealing the lead from the home hero was never going to go down well. He found himself avidly watching the screen to see how Lewis was going to fight back, whilst simultaneously wishing it would cut to see how Seb was doing.

1.056 seconds behind according to the live-timing.

_Come on, come on, come on._

 

 

 

 

Seb could see the rear of Dan's car so close now he could almost reach out and touch it. Coming out of Maggots and Becketts he lined himself up as he had confirmation that DRS had been activated. Time to go for it. This was what it was all about. Like Mark said; put that tingle of nerves to good use and be sharp as a needle. He made the call and aimed for the inside once more, knowing that with Stowe corner at the bottom, a sharp right would play to his advantage. If he could get ahead that was.

Christian came back on the radio.

“ _Careful_ Sebi,” he warned, as cautious as an anxious father.

 

Sebastian almost laughed at the fact that Christian's voice sounded a full octave higher than usual. His team boss had been through this ordeal more times than he cared to remember, but it never got any easier. One fraction of a wrong move and in seconds there could be disaster for the entire team. No wonder the poor guy was losing his hair.

 

As they neared the end of the straight Seb cursed as he had failed to get past Daniel. The sensible thing to do would be to pull out and lie in wait for another try next time around, but that wasn't the stuff racers were made out of. Sebastian kept his foot in and hung onto the inside, refusing to cede his position to Dan as they turned into the corner.

 

Mark squinted as he looked at the screen. He couldn't watch. He couldn't not watch. It was far far too close.

 

 

 

“Yes!”

Mark was grinning like a Cheshire cat as Seb made the move stick and Dan was the one who was forced to back out and Sebastian was away.

“Haha, _yes_ ,” smiled Mark, happily looking over at Britta whose smile was equally wide.

'Sorry chum,' thought Mark. Dan was a nice guy and he wished his countryman well, just not _quite_ as well as Sebastian.

 

Mark knew the camera by the garage entrance was probably showing his pleasure at Seb gaining the position, but he really didn't care. He glanced over in that direction, but looked past the camera to the pitwall where Christian was sat, wondering if his foot was jiggling up and down fast enough to be a blur right now.

 

 

 

Seb let out a breath he didn't realise he had been holding and refocussed on pulling a gap on Daniel now. One thing he had learned in his time with his current team-mate was that Dan was as unlikely to give up as he was, so he had to press his tyres a bit and haul himself up the road or that hard fought over-take could be gone again.

 

 

 

Over on the television coverage the cameras had rapidly cut back to show that the battle between the two Mercedes was heating up again. With only seven laps left to run, Lewis appeared to be getting a little desperate and was harrying Nico at every turn, pushing him from behind and sticking a nose alongside whenever possible. The FOM producers could smell that things were due to kick off again and they were right. Lewis nearly got by at Brooklands, but not quite. He held his spot though and as they headed into Luffield Lewis was refusing to give an inch resulting in Nico being pushed further and further out until he had two wheels over the line into the gravel, sending up a plume of dust and stones as the tyres slipped.

Mark knew that Rosberg would be screaming blue murder on the radio, but Lewis wouldn't give a fig for that, Mercedes policy of free racing was great for the person challenging, less so for the challenged driver. It made for terrific TV though.

 

As the two cars came along Woodcote, Lewis was ahead and the entire grandstand there was on its feet. Mark didn't need to remove his headphones to hear as the crowd opposite the pits erupted in raucous cheering the second they saw on the big screens that their man had the lead. He gave a little acknowledging tip of his head to Lewis' racing skills. That move had been on the limit and no doubt there would be heated 'discussions' about it in the Mercedes debrief after the race, but it was the kind of racing that had drawn Mark to the sport in the first place: On the edge, daring, skilled and above all thrilling stuff. Fantastic box-office.

 

 

 

 

In the car, Sebastian was far more interested in continuing to pull his gap on Daniel behind him, whilst at the same time bypassing back-markers who were a lap down. He was so busy concentrating on that he was almost surprised to be told that he was making inroads into the two Mercedes in the lead. His engineer informed him that his tyres were good and he had no fuel concerns so there was no reason not to keep pushing and see what happened. Seb thought wryly that there was still every chance that the Mercedes boys could scrap too hard and knock each other out. It was unlikely perhaps, but you never knew and if he could close in on them he might be able to add a little pressure to that mix.

Lewis was a friend, but racing was racing and Sebastian knew that in his place Lewis would do exactly the same thing, so he kept going.

 

 

For the next couple of laps Nico hung on to Lewis' gearbox, but he couldn't get by no matter what he tried. Mark tried to think of a time when Nico had got by Lewis in a race and made it stick. Not in recent times he was fairly sure. That must burn. No wonder he kept trying. Mark couldn't fault his spirit, especially when it was only too clear that the crowd wanted Lewis to win.

By the time there were only four laps to go it had become clear that sticking so close to Lewis had hurt Nico's tyres as the warm air from the exhaust overheated them. Mark was keeping a very close eye on his lap times dropping as Lewis started to pull away. He didn't want to get his hopes up too much, but surely there was a chance here?

 

 

 

“That is Nico ahead,” advised the radio to Seb, the implication clear; he is in range, you can take him, go for it.

Sebastian took the advice and pressed hard down the Hangar Straight, even though he knew that without DRS at this stage he was unlikely to be in a place to over-take. That wasn't his game; Sebastian was thinking a good many moves ahead. If he caught up now he might be able to get within the one second gap measurement at the detection point by Village. That was where he needed it and praise be, the car was playing today. As it swung around Stowe and Club corners it practically sang as the downforce came into effect and Seb was able to push hard to make time. He gave silent thanks for Adrian's continued input on that front, knowing that he was back on the pitwall today and doubtless smiling as he saw his work come to fruition.

 

 

Mark didn't realise how tightly he had fisted his hands by his side as he stood watching the symbol on the screen indicating that Sebastian had indeed ducked under the vital one second and had DRS going into the Wellington Straight. He stared with wide open eyes, unable to blink in case he missed anything.

He clenched his fists even tighter as Seb hammered it along the straight, edged to the outside and then swooped around Nico to be in place to carry his momentum into Brooklands sweeping to the inside with greater grip than Rosberg's Mercedes, gaining the place and then using the downforce to continue carrying on to hang it all out around the 'U' of Luffield to maintain his place.

 

Mark's racing brain had enough capacity left to consider the fact that the superior Mercedes engine ought to have been enough to hold Seb off on a straight, even with DRS. Nico must have really shot his tyres to be so vulnerable.

He was distracted by a noise and pulled away an earphone to realise that almost unbelievably the crowd were cheering the move. Times really did change. Only two years ago they had booed Sebastian and cheered his retirement. Mark had been secretly worried that with all the bad publicity, that god-awful booing might reappear, but as the crowd had seen Rosberg losing another position they were celebrating. Maybe it was more about Rosberg losing than Sebastian winning that move, but it counted nonetheless.

 

Mark wished that Seb could hear it in the car. The new engines were quieter, but not that quiet. He was already thinking that they would enjoy watching the race back on record when they got home, but there were still two and a half laps to go. The first rule of F1 was; celebrate too early and repent at leisure. Nothing was safe until you passed the chequered flag. Mark emptied his mind of anything but watching the screen and monitoring the figures displayed.

 

 

 

Sebastian was watching Nico in his mirrors. He was clearly struggling in the corners with the grip gone on his tyres, but that Mercedes engine was still powerful and he wasn't falling away altogether. Two laps still to go was more than enough time for things to change around if he let himself relax and failed to apply full-concentration to the task at hand. So he kept pushing. Kept watching Nico. Kept appealing on the radio to make sure the blue flags were out for cars he needed to lap without losing precious time.

 

 

 

With Lewis away and gone and Sebastian holding Nico at bay the TV screens cut to show Alonso making a late charge to thump past Massa's Williams around the outside of Vale. Mark smiled and applauded the move. It really was a beauty and showed there was plenty of fight left in Fernando despite the fact he was only scrapping for sixth position. He made a mental note to send his friend a text to that effect once the race was over.

 

 

 

 

 

Lewis was scooting about, zigzagging past the finish line in celebration at his second home race win in a row, but Mark wasn't waiting for him. He had belted over with the rest of the team to lean out through the gaps in the pitwall fence to cheer home Seb in a brilliant second place.

Several of the mechanics happily patted him on the back as they crammed in to make the most of the moment, hanging on to also applaud Daniel as he held his steady fourth, almost forgotten by the FOM cameras. Mark applauded him too, thinking he had done well with a poorer strategy and a worse starting position to get a good result. He was a hard but fair fighter and a thoroughly decent guy, always friendly and cheerful about the place and a very useful counterpoint in the team to Sebastian's more troubled outlook. He was glad Dan had done well, just not quite as well as Seb.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian got up in the car and rearranged the headrest padding and fixed the steering wheel back in place before standing up properly to bounce up and down happily. It wasn't a win, but it felt fantastic. Lewis was already out of his car in Parc Ferme and waving to the camera before coming over to congratulate Seb as he climbed out and raised his visor to see properly. He gave Seb a clearly thrilled hug which Sebastian returned. Lewis then decided that discretion was the better part of valour and went over to give Nico a pat on the back before turning to find his overjoyed family and team at the barriers.

Seb waited his turn to politely shake hands with Rosberg, but he was already scanning the teams crowded in around the small Parc Ferme space, he couldn't pretend to himself that he was looking for anyone but Mark, hoping that he wouldn't have thought twice about coming down. As Nico slouched off to be weighed, Seb spotted Mark, squashed in with half the RedBull garage and he rushed over to get a hug, launching himself off the ground with not the slightest thought as to whether Mark would catch him, Seb knew he would.

 

Mark was knocked backwards slightly by the force of Sebastian hurling himself into him, grateful now that the rest of the team were pushed up against him to prevent him from being knocked back too far. He laughed and gave Seb a tight hug back as he lowered him to the ground.

“Bloody hell mate.”

He grinned and thought briefly that he was so pleased to see Seb like this he would have kissed him in congratulations and damn the consequences, but Sebastian was still wearing his helmet so instead he lowered him down and with one hand patted the top of it and with the other arm held him in. Mark looked into Seb's eyes that were shining with happiness and was captured by them for a moment, unable to think of anything more profound to say than well done.

The rest of the team were reaching past him to slap Sebastian's shoulders so Mark let go and allowed Seb to move along the barrier taking the congratulations he deserved before heading off up to be weighed and sent up to the podium.

 

 

 

 

Seb stood on the podium, spraying the champagne around and grinning down at Mark. It occurred to him that three months earlier their roles had been exactly reversed. It was a funny old situation really, no wonder people found it so fascinating. He smiled, seeing Mark looking back up clearly just as happy as he was and attempted to spray his champagne a little more vigorously to try to give him and the team a cheeky shower.

 

Nico was being distinctly half-hearted with his champagne spraying and Sebastian couldn't blame him. Two years in a row he had failed to convert pole position into a race win here, no wonder he was unhappy. Quite the opposite of Lewis of course who was bounding about with over-joyed energy. The packed crowd had flooded the track and were excitedly climbing onto fences and any vantage point they could find as they struggled to get a decent view of proceedings.

The fans were chanting Lewis' name over and over. Sebastian regarded them as he put his now empty bottle of champagne down and was struck again by just how much they worshipped Lewis. Seb knew that he was never going to attract adoration like that from the masses. He never had, not even in his hey-day when he was winning all the time. Not even at his home races had he ever received a welcome like this. But at least the crowd weren't booing him, any improvementon that Seb could live with. The British crowd didn't seem to hate him these days and in the face of all that the media had been doing, Seb counted that as a victory.

 

 

 

David came out with the microphone to start the podium interviews and Sebastian attempted to re-engage his brain to prepare for his questions once he was done with Lewis.

“We meet again Seb,” greeted DC.

Sebastian smiled and nodded, thankful it was a friendly face on duty.

“Hey DC, it's nice to be up here to see you.”

“Someone will be getting jealous,” teased David.

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“No I really don't think he will somehow,” disagreed Sebastian dryly.

 _Especially seeing as he's stood about 20 feet away watching proceedings,_ Seb thought.

“That was an excellent second you got today, you must be pleased.

“Very pleased,” agreed Seb.

“An emphatic reply to your critics,” suggested David.

“Mmm,” paused Sebastian.

He was tempted, sorely tempted, to say it was in fact a big _'fuck you'_ to anyone who thought he was a different driver now he was out or had implied he couldn't concentrate on racing with his private life being delved into by the media. But he didn't. Seb knew he had to be better than that.

 

“I don't race to prove myself to anyone. I race because I love it and I am always striving to achieve the best result that I can, for me and for the team.”

DC nodded, looking more serious.

“Well you can be very proud of that result today.”

“Thank you,” granted Seb, “but it's not just my result, it's the whole team working together and the very important support I have, that enables me to stand here right now and I'm hugely grateful for that.”

“I'm sure,” nodded David.

 

Seb nodded back, but he wasn't really looking at DC, he was looking at Mark, hoping he knew that it was Mark he was referring to when he spoke of 'support'. His family and his friends too, they were important, but Mark especially. One day he was going to be bold enough just to say 'thank you Mark,' up here. One day, but for now this was still pretty good, he just needed to take that extra step, maybe then he would say it out loud and not merely in his head. One day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian arrived at the restaurant buried in the Buckinghamshire countryside feeling happier and more relaxed than he could have imagined possible a few days earlier. He had been at the factory earlier in the day to follow up on the race, which some people might have considered wearing, coming as it did immediately after the race weekend, but it meant that with that out of the way he now had a good few days free to really enjoy before turning his attention to the next race.

Mark was happy too, that Seb had done well in yesterday's race of course, but more importantly that he had enjoyed the racing itself. He knew that was vitally important to motivate Sebastian when the attentions of the media made his life difficult in the paddock. Mark didn't want Seb to get to the point where he didn't want to be at races. And now they had a break at long last. It felt like a much needed break.

 

As they waited for their table Mark smiled over at Seb, thinking that it was nice to make a fuss of his birthday. They hardly ever went out when they were home, feeling little need when they were contented as they were. This was nice change though and Sebastian deserved to be made a fuss of. It wasn't that much effort to book a table and get a taxi to travel a few miles, nor to put on some smarter clothes for once.

 

“You look nice,” praised Sebastian.

He ran a hand along Mark's arm and smiled at him appreciatively.

Mark grinned.

“You don't scrub up so badly yourself.”

Sebastian looked pleased. They weren't as dressed up as they had been for the ball a week ago, but it was certainly a step up from their usual attire of jeans and t-shirts. Not that he didn't think that Mark looked great in that too, or indeed in rather less than that. Seb nearly laughed out-loud at that idea, but was thankfully interrupted by the maître d' coming over to take them to their table.

 

 

 

“Do you fancy a drink then?” wondered Mark.

“Mm,” prevaricated Sebastian.

“We've not driving,” pointed out Mark.

Seb huffed a laugh. “For once.”

“Exactly, so..?”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Sebastian. It might be nice to be a little bit naughty for once.

Mark's smile slid into a grin.

“We should have champagne. Double celebration.”

Seb shrugged.

“I didn't win.”

“A very impressive second. Besides as I told Martin yesterday, you obviously only held off challenging Lewis in deference to the home crowd.”

Sebastian laughed properly at that.

“Obviously. And of course Lewis will do the same for me in Germany.”

“I hope you got that in writing,” warned Mark.

The waiter came back over and they placed their orders.

 

While they waited for their food the champagne appeared and as they were left alone at the table Mark picked up the bottle and went as if to shake it to spray around the room, causing Seb to gasp in horror and Mark to fall about laughing.

“God you're so easy. As if I would.”

Sebastian shook his head, Mark was always teasing him. Not that he could pretend he didn't like it. With so much that was serious in his life, the light relief that Mark offered always kept him on an even keel and reminded him what really mattered.

 

Mark raised a glass.

“Happy birthday.”

“For three days ago.”

“Happy birthday for three days ago,” adjusted Mark.

“Thank you,” consented Seb.

He reached over the glass and clinked it against Mark's.

“Aren't we posh?” Sebastian joked.

Mark raised an eyebrow. “Like proper racing drivers ought to be. Now then, down to business.”

Sebastian frowned.

“Your birthday present,” explained Mark.

Sebastian looked even more confused. He had genuinely forgotten about a present, unable to think of anything he really needed or wanted that he didn't already have. But if Mark had a gift for him, where could he be hiding it? He hadn't been carrying anything with him in the taxi.

Mark reached into the pocket inside his jacket and retrieved an envelope, passing it to Seb.

 

Sebastian looked at it, even more perplexed. He'd had his card on his actual birthday. Seb was about to joke as to whether Mark really was giving him a ten pound note this time when he opened the envelope, pulled out a folded piece of paper and read what was printed on it.

“Oh my god Mark. A holiday? Wow.”

“Well we always said we'd go away in the summer break,” recalled Mark.

“Ah yes,” smiled Sebastian. “As part of our careful plan.”

Mark chuckled. “Yes it's going so well.” He gave a shrug. “I thought at least one bit of it was worth sticking to, what do you reckon?”

“Absolutely. Yeah that's fantastic. I've never even heard of this place. That must be a good sign,” Seb noted.

“I hope so. It's a small island in the Caribbean, very private, or at least I'm promised so.”

“Brilliant. Thank you. Really, that's awesome. God, the idea of getting away from it all is lovely. Thank you.”

 

They were sat at adjoining sides rather than opposite one another at the table, both glad to see the arrangement when they had arrived as it meant that they were placed closer by each other. Seb was particularly glad now as it meant he could lean over to give Mark a kiss on the cheek as a thank you. He was too happy to care if anyone else in the restaurant was watching or approving.

 

Mark smiled back.

“Well it's a rather selfish present really seeing as I get to come too, but you said you didn't need anything, so...”

“It's not selfish, it's great,” insisted Sebastian. “Besides, I don't think I'd enjoy it very much if I was on my own.”

“Well far be for me...”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You could always take someone else,” teased Mark.

“Ha, I suppose I could.”

Seb raised an eyebrow, but he couldn't maintain the pretence.

“You're the only person I'd want with me.”

Mark nodded with faux seriousness.

“That is a relief. Thank you. But seeing as it really isn't a proper present, if you do think of anything you'd like you can still ask.”

“I can't think of anything,” affirmed Sebastian.

 

The waiter interrupted with their food and Sebastian put the envelope away.

“It is a lovely present, really. That'll be a nice thing to look forward to, especially in Hungary.”

“Ah well let's not think of that now, eh?”

Mark didn't want to think of a time when they would have to be parted, even if it was only for a few days. He just wanted to enjoy tonight and not allow any of their usual concerns creep in.

“This is your birthday, your _official_ birthday anyway, so no worrying about anything,” Mark instructed.

“Is that the law?”

“Absolutely,” smiled Mark.

“Good plan. Okay well this looks great.”

The food did look good. So no worrying about anything more than how it might taste and enjoying each other's company. For once nothing, absolutely nothing, was going to intrude.

 

 

 

 

As they finished eating the waiter reappeared to remove their plates and offer the menu once more.

“So do you fancy desert?” inquired Mark.

“And break the diet?” asked Sebastian in a mock-horrified tone.

“There are no calories in food on birthdays and at Christmas,” asserted Mark, drawing a laugh from Seb.

“Maybe I'll just have a look then.”

 

Sebastian looked over the menu at dishes he would never normally go anywhere near. But he'd had champagne and he very rarely drank either. The occasional beer with Mark when they had some time off, but not in earnest. For all that Mark liked to wind him up that he couldn't take alcohol it was mostly for health reasons that Seb chose not to drink much. Being a racing driver meant an athlete's diet and Seb was sure that was why alcohol had such an affect on him. He had just never built up a tolerance for the stuff. All that champagne on podiums was for spraying around, if he took a sip it was usually just for show. No chance Seb was likely to want to appear drunk on a TV interview afterwards.

He had been careful not to drink too much of the champagne tonight, nice as it was, Sebastian was only on his second glass, drinking more of the water to prevent it going to his head. In the past he had only really drunk because he was nervous and needed false confidence. Nothing could be further from the case now. Even with all the problems the media were throwing at him Seb didn't think he had ever been happier in himself. He might not have an easy life at races, but when he was home with Mark everything seemed right. He thought about that for a minute and then looked up at him.

 

“Mark, you know how you said I should say if I could think of anything I wanted,” started Sebastian.

“Hm? Oh, yes, for your birthday? Absolutely mate. Have you come up with something?”

Sebastian paused before pressing on.

“Sort of. Well I mean I have thought of something I'd like, but I'm not sure if should ask, I mean if it's my place.”

Mark looked at him nonplussed.

“Your place?” _What could Seb mean?_

 

Sebastian smiled at the double meaning. Why was he nervous asking this of Mark. It was ridiculous. He took a sip of water before explaining.

“The contract on my house comes up in August. I'd have to renew it, except,” he looked at Mark. “I'm hardly ever there these days and I was wondering if the offer still stood? To move in properly.”

Mark was staring at him so Sebastian added unnecessarily. “With you I mean.”

Mark coughed a laugh. “Well I'm hoping it wouldn't be with anybody else.”

Seb relaxed at the joke.

“Of course you. So anyway, like I say I don't know if it's okay for me to ask, if it should be you seeing as it's your house...”

 

Mark took Sebastian's hand in his.

“Of course it's okay to ask. It's fantastic that you can ask. The offer is definitely still open,” he affirmed.

“I know I'm there all the time anyway, but to move in properly, permanently...”

“It damn well better be permanently,” teased Mark.

“No more back and forth.” confirmed Seb. They were done with that.

 

He took a deep breath. Seb was going to move in. He had never pushed on this since he had first asked, waiting for Sebastian to be in the right place. The right place was his place, with him. Permanently.

Mark realised he was grinning dumbly at Sebastian sat by his side.

“So I'll give notice on my house,” stated Seb.

“Yep.”

“And move the rest of my things,” added Seb.

Not that there was so much he really used that was left in his house.

“There's plenty of room,” noted Mark.

“Great,” agreed Seb.

He wondered if it was silly to feel so excited about the idea of moving in with Mark when he pretty much lived there anyway.

 

Mark leaned over and gave Sebastian a kiss on the cheek before pulling him into a hug.

He sat back and took a deep breath, still smiling at Seb.

“Well I wasn't expecting that tonight,” Mark noted.

Sebastian laughed in response. “Me neither. It just sort of popped into my head since you asked what I really wanted. Whenever I think of home it's your place I'm thinking of.”

“It is your home,” confirmed Mark.

“I think it has been for a very long time,” confessed Sebastian. “It's always felt like home.”

“Good,” nodded Mark.

 

Of course it was Seb's home. It had been from the moment he walked through the door. Home was a place you felt happy and safe, the place you always wanted to go back to, the place you were truly yourself. Anywhere else had just been places Seb had stayed. They hadn't been home. Not since his family home when he had been a child had he felt like that. Mark's place was home, somehow Seb had always known that it would be one day, but it wasn't Mark's place any more, it was their place. Their home.

 

The waiter had come back over to see if they wished to order.

“Do you want desert?” checked Mark.

Seb grinned and shook his head. He had completely forgotten about the menu.

“No thanks, just the bill please and if it's possible could a taxi be rung?”

The waiter agreed smoothly and disappeared.

Sebastian was still grinning away.

“I've thought of something else I'd like for my birthday,” noted Sebastian.

“Oh?”

“Yes.” Seb leant in and whispered in Mark's ear. “You.”

Mark laughed. “Oh really?”

“Mmm, is that greedy of me?” wondered Seb.

“Greedy?”

“Asking for all these things.”

Mark shook his head. “Mate, everything for your birthday is also for me too.”

“So I get the last one too?” tested Seb.

“Oh you absolutely do, that one's an open offer too,” confirmed Mark.

“Good.”

 

They both looked around. Where was the waiter? Where was their bill? Where was their taxi? They needed to go home, now.

Their home.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Following recent notes I appreciate that my story isn't quite what some people were hoping for as it has gone on, so re-reading this bit I realised that the end of the chapter sounds rather more final than I intended it to, but in a way that might be good. For those of you who think I ought to drop it, you can count this as an ending.
> 
>  
> 
> For those who want to know the rest, please accept that this story has been in my head, almost whole, for six months now and I can't change it to suit others or it wouldn't be my story.
> 
> If you want to stick around that's great, I'm honoured you want to read more, but there will be ups as well as downs, if that's not for you, well thanks for reading.


	55. Lightning

 

 

They were sat in front of the television putting their feet up for a bit after getting all their efforts towards training out of the way earlier with their morning run, a more gentle walk out with the dogs mid-morning and a good hard blast on the bikes after lunch. Not that it really seemed like work in these conditions. They had plenty of time to waste over coffee in the village and how could you count cycling uphill a chore when the view was so marvellous when you got to the top?

The British countryside was in the full bloom of summer and the weather was perfect; that almost mythical patch of the year when England looked untouchably stunning; the sky blue and cloudless and the sun warm without being unbearably hot with only a little breeze to temper conditions. So they were making the most of it during their little break, enjoying exercising and each other's company at the same time, then spending the later afternoon chilling out watching either the tennis or cycling on television.

 

Sebastian held the remote control in his hand.

“So what is it today then?” he asked, knowing that Mark was always torn between choosing to watch either Wimbledon or the Tour de France.

 

In the past Seb hadn't paid a huge amount of attention to either sport, but he had grown to enjoy both as Mark loved them. The tennis was very straight-forward and Seb liked the way that it was one player pitting themselves against another. The individual in the spotlight showing all their strengths and weaknesses to the world. Although they had teams of support, they were exposed and alone far more than Seb considered himself to be in his own sport and he admired them immensely for that as well as finding watching their skill often highly entertaining.

 

The Tour was rather more perplexing; trying to understand how the teams worked and the roles within them as well as the different goals and separate prizes on offer. In truth Seb had given up trying to keep on top of it, although he let Mark continue to try to explain it and just nodded along.

Instead he found enjoyment in simply relaxing and watching it unfold before him; the effort of the cyclists, the crazy speeds they reached racing downhill while terribly unprotected from the dangers posed by crashing. He thought them all very brave racing in such close proximity when a tumble could wipe out a whole group in a tangle of limbs and bikes, leaving men with horrific scrapes and bruises and broken bones. He and Mark had cars designed to protect them if they crashed as well as race suits and helmets when they raced. When the two of them were on their bikes they always wore cycling helmets but they were going at nothing like the rate these professionals were.

Aside from all that there was also the simple fact that the Tour always looked so great on TV; The brightly coloured team uniforms flashed by the French countryside and in helicopter shots you could take it all in and enjoy the fabulous sight as the horde swept either side of roundabouts en masse, like a brightly shaded river being parted by a stone. You didn't need to understand any of the complications of the competition to appreciate that, and Seb rather liked switching his brain off and relaxing with Mark on the sofa, laughing at him as he got so caught up in it all.

 

 

 

“Um, not sure, can I borrow that?”

Mark took the remote control and checked what was coming up.

“Federer's on so...”

“Fine by me,” piped up Sebastian.

He truly didn't care as long as Mark was happy. So they would spend Thursday afternoon watching the tennis and then later they could watch the evening round-up on the Tour de France. Yesterday it had been the other way around.

 

Mark glanced out of the window.

“Best time of year this,” he proposed.

“Shame we can't rig the TV up outside,” suggested Seb.

“Mm, the sun's too bright. I don't think...”

Mark turned and saw the Sebastian was laughing at him. He gave him a nudge in the ribs.

“Ah so I'm obsessed,” he admitted.

Seb shook his head.

“You're not obsessed. You just like sport. I'm not sure I've ever watched so much as since I've been with you.”

“You can always go and sit out in the sunshine.”

“I'm not complaining.”

“No?”

Mark leaned in and raised an eyebrow. Seb did always let him have whatever he wanted on. He'd have to make sure he gave him the choice later.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Course not. Now shush, Federer's coming on, I don't want to miss the start.”

 

They settled back and relaxed. Sebastian meant it, he was perfectly happy like this and Federer was always one of the most entertaining players to watch. Why would he want to be spending his time doing anything else? He wanted to make the most of his break with Mark. Seb certainly had no desire to go and sit in the garden on his own, however nice the weather.

 

 

 

 

 

As the players changed ends Sebastian watched them have a drink and the sight made him thirsty.

“Want a drink? I was thinking of making a cup of tea.” he offered.

Mark roused himself from his relaxed stupor.

“Hmm? Oh yeah, if you're offering. Thanks.”

 

Seb returned with two mugs of tea, having missed only a minute or two of the resumed match. He settled back in by Mark's side feeling content and thinking about the fact that very soon this was going to be a permanent arrangement. He had given notice on his house and made arrangements to have his things moved so the place would be empty by the start of next month. He had done it the very next day after he and Mark had agreed it, not wanting to waste any time. That way everything would be sorted and then after he got back from Hungary he could just shift the last few bits and pieces over and it would be official.

He would be officially and permanently a part of Mark's life, a part of each other's lives, and then they would go off on holiday to celebrate. Perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

Seb sipped his tea and vaguely listened to the commentary on television and that provided by Mark by his side to keep track of what was happening. It wasn't always quite as simple as the scoreline at the top of the screen, he knew that well enough from his own sport.

His phone was left carelessly on the coffee table in front of them and Sebastian sighed as he saw it spring into life.

Mark looked over and sighed a little himself as he saw Christian's name flash up. What could he want? Seb wasn't due in at the factory again this week.

 

Sebastian picked up the phone, waking his brain up and trying to switch to business.

“Hi Christian, what's up?”

He went silent as he let his boss speak.

“Seb, I'm sorry to do this over the phone, but I needed to speak to you as soon as possible. I... Look Sebi, I'm sorry but there's going to be a story in the papers, about Heikki...”

 

 

Seb felt as though he had been hit sideways by a freight train. There was a ringing in his ears and he was too stunned to take it in. He heard Christian continue speaking but he couldn't take in the words. All his brain was doing was running the word _'Heikki'_ around and around. He couldn't speak. Sebastian tried to slow himself to try to concentrate on his boss's voice still running on.

“So we'll still be doing what we can, but as they've got the documents we can't deny it. Obviously they shouldn't have them so we'll be dealing with that as well and this guy they've spoken to, we'll try to find out who that was. He's just passing gossip, but they are treating it like gospel. I'm afraid it's too late to stop it being published now, but we're not going to leave it at that. Seb are you still there?”

He sat forward, unable to speak.

“Okay Sebi, I'm sorry. I'd rather be doing this in person. Perhaps I should come round? They haven't got anything more than that, but I know you'll be worried they'll keep digging...”

 

There was no air in this room. Sebastian felt nauseous, the media would know now. They would know what to look for, who to look for. It was all going to come out. Everything Seb had been fearing, everything he had been persuaded and persuaded himself couldn't happen, it was all going to come out.

He was too hot. His skin was creeping and he couldn't hear anything Christian was saying again as Seb knew he was going to be sick. He couldn't breathe. There was no air. He had to get out of here. He had to get away. He really was going to be sick, he had to get out of here right now.

 

 

 

 

Mark tried not to watch too carefully so as not to intrude. He frowned as Sebastian sat forward, guessing that it wasn't something good. Seb sat further forward in a sharp movement and Mark thought that he was about to get up to take the call in another room when Seb took in a gasp and dropped the phone. He shot up and was through the door before Mark had time to appreciate what was happening.

“Seb?” Mark called after him. He could hear Christian's voice saying the same thing tinnily from the mobile phone on the carpet, but he ignored it in favour of going after Sebastian.

 

“Seb!” Mark called from the hallway, looking around trying to work out where Sebastian had gone.

He felt a breeze and realised that a door was open and tried the kitchen. As he entered, the dogs were jumping up at him, but Mark pushed them away and shooed them into the corner. As they quieted he heard a noise outside and followed it through the half open door into the garden.

 

 

 

“Shit,” breathed Mark as he saw Sebastian bent over a few feet away, throwing up at the edge of the lawn.

He rushed over and tried to help Sebastian up, but Seb pushed Mark blindly away, throwing up again before wiping at his mouth and stumbling further across the lawn to get away from the smell.

Mark went after Seb, trying to stop himself from grabbing at Sebastian when he was upset and clearly disorientated. He moved to get in front of him and Mark was shocked to see how pale Sebastian looked.

 

“Shit, Seb what is it? What did he say?”

Sebastian pulled himself upright but he closed his eyes and swayed unsteadily. Mark let go his restraint and took a hold of his elbow.

“Seb, what's happened?” Mark tried again, but he got no response. Instead Seb's body started jerking as he attempted to take a calming breath but gulped in air and began hyperventilating.

“Seb, Seb stop, stop, calm down, just _slow_ ,” pleaded Mark.

He tried to get to look at him, placing a hand under his chin and putting himself in his eye-line.

“Breathe Seb, breathe, slow down,” Mark pleaded, trying hard not to panic himself.

Something new in the press, that had to be it, surely. Damn it.

 

Sebastian scrunched his eyes tightly closed and tried to hear Mark's voice, to concentrate on that to help him, to stop him falling. But it felt as though someone had taken the ground away. This couldn't happen, they had promised, they had all promised, this could never happen. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't breathe.

 

“Seb tell me what it is, whatever it is we'll get through it, it'll be okay,” Mark assured. “Seb look at me, it'll be okay.”

Sebastian forced his eyes to open, but they stared wide and blank, he couldn't take Mark in, even though he was right there, so close in front of him.

“Seb please.”

His chest was heaving, desperately trying to draw in oxygen, but it wasn't working and the more it failed to do so the more his body panicked and reacted by trying harder, spiralling out of control.

Mark had both hands under Sebastian's elbows now, trying to support him without crowding Seb when he was trying to get air.

“What's happened?” Mark asked again, more to himself than Sebastian who was incapable of answering.

 

Seb's brain was sparking and he could see the lights flashing in front of his eyes. Somehow he interrupted the frenetic attempts his lungs were making to keep pumping and forced out the one word that now filled his head.

“Heikki.”

The effort cost too much and the moment Seb had let it out he tried to gasp the air back in and when that failed his eyes fell shut and he was gone.

 

 

 

“ _Fuck.”_

Mark hurriedly took Seb's weight under his arms and tried to hold him up as his legs went from under him. Seb's head fell back and as Mark lowered him to the ground his body emitted a terrifying dry rattle as it unconsciously still tried for the oxygen it required, his head lolling back and his mouth open.

He laid Sebastian down on the grass as gently as he could and leaned over him. Mark trying to hold it together or he knew he would lose it himself. He put his hand at the side of Sebastian's head and looked at him, trying to be sure that he was still breathing.

“Seb? _Seb?”_

Getting no response Mark tried to check Seb's pulse but his hand was shaking too much. He took a steadying breath and shook his hand out before balling it into a tight fist to try to get a hold of himself. He had to know that Sebastian was okay.

Trying again Mark placed his fingers on the vein in his neck that he knew the location of only too well. Seb's pulse was racing but it was at least strong. He pulled his hand away and took a deep breath himself. Seb's chest had slowed now that his panicking brain was no longer in charge and Mark watched carefully, hoping that at any moment Sebastian would wake up and he would be okay.

“Seb open your eyes, it's okay.”

Mark put all his energy into making his voice sound calm and reassuring to try to reach him.

 

“Seb, please, please wake up.”

He knelt upright and took some calming breaths. This had happened before, it was just an attack, Seb would be okay, his body just needed a minute to recover. It was a natural reaction, he'd be alright in a minute, just one more minute and Seb would be okay.

Mark took Seb's pulse again, dragging his eyes away from Sebastian to look at his watch to time it. His heart-rate was a little slower now, but still faster than normal. Thank god he was young and fit, Seb would be alright. He just needed to recover himself, Seb would be alright. Just one more minute and he would wake up.

 

 

 

But he didn't. Mark watched avidly to make sure that Sebastian was at least breathing and repeatedly took his pulse to feel it slowing and not only return to normal but sink to a resting pace. Seb was just asleep, that had to be it, he was asleep.

Mark removed his hand from Sebastian's neck and tried to convince himself that he didn't need to panic that Seb remained unconscious. He wasn't sure how long he had been out for now, but it was too long. Seb had passed out before but he'd always come back fairly quickly. Mark leaned over him, trying to tell if breath was rising from his slightly parted lips and praying for those long eyelashes to bat open as Sebastian awoke.

 

“Seb, please wake up, I need to know you're okay. Please Seb.”

Mark took a shaky breath and leaned in closer, laying his hand on Sebastian's cheek.

“Please darling, _please_ ,” he begged.

Mark only realised that he was crying when he saw the tear-drop fall on Seb's skin. He gently brushed it off, then sat up and pushed his tears away. Mark didn't know what to do. How long was too long for Seb to be out like this? Was it dangerous to have fallen unconscious or was it the best thing for his body to do when Seb wasn't coping? He was breathing and had a steady pulse, surely that had to mean he was alright? Seb had always been okay before, he would be okay now. He would. He'd be okay.

Mark sat himself properly down and carefully as he could he lifted Sebastian to lie his head in his lap, gently stroking his hair and continuing to talk to him in the hope that his voice would seep into Seb and let him know that he was safe.

 

 

 

The phone Mark had forgotten in his pocket was ringing and he pulled it out to shut it up, trying not to shift Sebastian as he did so.

 _Christian_. Mark put the phone down on the grass and ignored it as it rang again a few moments later and then again a minute or so after that. The name flashing up at him as Mark looked at it.

He was about to switch it off altogether when a part of his brain thought about it and knew that Christian must be very worried to keep trying. Part of Mark was worried too, he needed to know what this was about to be able to help Seb.

Almost without meaning to, Mark picked up the phone and accepted the call.

 

“Mark, thank god. Is Seb there? He's not answering his phone. Are you home?” Christian sounded stressed and anxious.

Mark took a moment to find his voice.

“He's here,” Mark admitted.

He glanced at the unconscious form lying against him and felt horribly guilty that he was taking this call and not giving Seb his full attention.

“Can I speak to him, please. I know he must be upset, but I didn't get chance to explain, he hung up. Is he alright?” rushed Christian.

Mark closed his eyes for a moment, wondering what on earth he should say. Christian had didn't know that Sebastian suffered from panic attacks. Seb had always been too afraid that his boss wouldn't want him in the car if he told him.

“He can't right now.”

“Is he alright?”

A few more tears leaked out as Mark tried to convince himself that Sebastian would be alright. This was just another panic attack. He'd survived too many before and Mark had witnessed enough of them to know that Seb would pull through.

 

Mark swallowed hard and answered.

“He'll be okay. Christian, what's happened?”

Christian hesitated. If Sebastian was there wouldn't he have said? But maybe he was too upset. Mark would only want to help, he should tell him.

“He just said 'Heikki',” elaborated Mark in a pained voice. “Please Christian, what's happened?”

Christian sighed, Mark sounded upset too.

 

“I'm sorry Mark but it's going to be in the paper. Somehow they've got hold of the documents about the restraining order,” he explained.

“Oh Christ,” breathed Mark.

“It's just harassment, but obviously they've read more into to it. They rang here asking for a reaction, which naturally we didn't give, but...”

Christian sighed again.

“I'm sorry Mark but there's also someone, they just said 'formerly in the team', an ex-employee who's fed them the gossip he knew about Seb and Heikki and...”

“ _Fuck,”_ let out Mark.

 

He closed his eyes tight and reopened them to look at Sebastian. It was Seb's worst fear, all that coming out. Sometimes Mark was woken in the dead of night by Seb sitting up and he knew that was what had woken him. Now that it was reality it had the opposite effect and had forced Seb into unconsciousness. No wonder he couldn't cope with being told this.

 

“Can't you stop it?” pressed Mark, thinking that the team lawyers might be able to do something.

Fifteen miles away Christian sat alone in his office and shook his head.

“I'm sorry Mark, it's already online. It'll be in the paper tomorrow, they did this so we couldn't do anything about it,” he explained.

Mark nodded silently. Of course they had, the bastards, they must have planned it very carefully, but with no care at all for their victim.

“I have to go,” stated Mark.

He shouldn't be talking to Christian as if everything was okay when he should be taking care of Seb, it wasn't right.

“Mark I know it's bad, but it's just enough for them to speculate that they were together and it ended badly, nothing more.”

It was more than enough to do this to Seb.

“I have to go,” repeated Mark blankly.

“I'll call later. I'm trying to do what I can,” Christian stated. He had a meeting with the team lawyers set up to see if there were any options left open.

“Please tell Sebastian...”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark.

 

He hung up and dropped the phone back down, letting out a long heavy breath. Once it was out there it was out there. There was nothing you could do.

Mark looked back at Sebastian lying in his lap, his eyes still closed and his breathing slow but steady. He stroked Seb's hair again, thinking absently that it had gone much blonder in all this sunshine. They'd been so happy. It broke his heart.

“I'm so sorry my darling, I'm so sorry,” soothed Mark.

 

 _Stay asleep,_ thought Mark. _You're safe there, no one can hurt you._

Mark tried to blink back the tears but failed. Seb was so lovely, so kind, so gentle. Why did people keep hurting him?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time passed. Mark tried to shut off worrying and focussed only on thinking that Sebastian was better off out of it. He'd wake up when his body was ready, no way was Mark going to try to hurry him and force him back to consciousness before that point. He simply stayed as they were, hoping that Seb was comfortable, raising his hand occasionally to push roughly at his face to dry it. He didn't want Sebastian to see him upset when he came round, Mark had to be strong for him.

 

 

 

Seb jerked up, his eyes wide open, no idea where he was or what was happening.

“Seb?”

Mark caught Seb and pulled him up into his chest.

“It's okay. You're okay sweetheart, you're okay.”

“Mark?”

 

Sebastian felt dizzy. The only thing he could focus on was that Mark was there. Mark was there so he must be okay. He pressed himself into Mark's chest and drew in air. He was outside. Why were they outside? Was this home? What was going on?

 

He took another deep breath and the oxygen filtered into Seb's brain. Sebastian took a sharper breath as he remembered. Oh god, oh god, _Heikki_. It was in the papers about Heikki. Everyone was going to know and it was all going to come out and they would find Heikki and he was going to tell and Seb's whole life would be ripped apart.

Sebastian started taking sharper breaths as he began to panic, the destructive cycle starting up again as his body fought against itself.

 

“No, Seb, _no._ Don't panic, it's okay. Just breathe. Please Seb,” pleaded Mark.

He pulled Seb up a little trying to get in his line of sight, but Sebastian was starting to hyperventilate once more.

“No no no,” insisted Mark, knowing he sounded panicky himself. Sebastian couldn't just fall back again, he had to stop him or he might really do some damage.

Sebastian managed to lock eyes with Mark and stared at him trying to hold on.

“Just breathe, breathe with me sweetheart, please,” enjoined Mark, holding him tighter and forcing his chest to rise and fall steadily so that Sebastian could feel it.

 

Seb closed his eyes and pressed into Mark trying to copy him, dropping his head onto Mark's shoulder and trying to think about nothing else but breathing, nothing else at all, just breathing in and out. Mark was holding onto him, he was alright, Mark wouldn't let go.

He gradually slowed and let himself open his eyes, trying to look up at Mark. Sebastian still felt horribly dizzy.

“Mark I need to sit down, I'm going to fall,” Seb explained, trying not to sound as frightened as he felt.

Mark swallowed, and tried to sound calm as he answered.

“You are sat down. You're okay Seb. Just take a moment,” he entreated.

 

Sebastian was sure he must be shaking, his body felt clammy and horrible, almost as if it wasn't his own.

“Mark _please_ ,” begged Sebastian breathily. “I'm going to fall.”

He was close to tears, unsure even why that was when he knew Mark would never let him fall.

“Okay, okay, we're going to lie down, alright?” Mark reassured.

 

Sebastian gave him a little nod and let himself stay limply against Mark as he carefully lay the pair of them down on the grass. Mark kept a hold of him and made sure that Seb's head laid over his heart so he could hear it beating in his ear, hoping that would calm him. Sebastian was trembling and he had gone quiet which worried Mark so he tipped his head to try to see him.

“Seb can you just look at me a second please, I need to know you're alright,” requested Mark, quietly but firmly.

Seb moved his head to look up at Mark and the sight of his concerned face did calm him slightly. Mark was so worried, he couldn't leave him worrying like that.

“I'm okay,” Sebastian managed, sounding nothing of the kind.

“Okay,” agreed Mark.

He leant in and kissed Sebastian's head.

“Just rest now, okay, you'll feel better. Everything's going to be okay.”

Mark had absolutely no idea how, but it had to be. They would make it okay, somehow.

 

Seb closed his eyes and shut out everything but the sound of Mark's heart beating; Strong, steady, safe. He drifted away on it.

 

 

 

Mark held onto Sebastian guessing that he had fallen asleep now rather than passing out, the difference was minimal in effect, but at least less frightening. The sun was warm but not too hot as it shone on them. At least Seb wasn't cold. Mark was pretty sure that Seb was in a state of shock, he needed to be warm.

He raised his head slightly, hearing a noise, and saw the dogs running over to them. Mark was about to push them away, not wanting Sebastian to be disturbed, when the pair of them settled themselves down on the ground, lying up against Seb's body on the other side from Mark. The gesture so instinctively protective it almost made Mark cry again, but he knew he couldn't keep doing that.

He felt worn out himself, so Mark allowed himself to close his eyes and feel the sun warming them. Mark wanted to forget about what had caused this, so he shut everything out except the feeling of Seb sleeping against him, no longer trembling, but steadily breathing in and out with him. It was so restful and familiar, Mark relaxed and fell asleep himself.

 

 

 

 

 

It was more than an hour later that the pair awoke as the sun dipped behind the tree-line and the colder air told them that they ought to go indoors. Mark helped Sebastian up to get him inside, sitting him down on the sofa before returning to the kitchen to shut the door and make them some sweet tea to try to help.

As they settled back down Mark let Seb drink his tea. They hadn't spoken much other than Mark reassuring Sebastian about where he was when Seb woke up confused as to why they were in the garden. He had quickly fallen silent again when Seb remembered why they were there. Sebastian's phone was still on the floor so Mark picked it up and placed it on the coffee table as the dogs came through to take their place on the floor by the sofa. As he set it down Mark saw the number of missed calls from Christian. He must have been deeply concerned when Sebastian had disappeared.

 

Mark took Seb's empty mug from him and set it down with his own, sitting back to slide his arm over Sebastian's shoulder.

“He said he would ring back later,” noted Mark.

“Hmm?” Seb frowned at Mark.

“Christian, he said he would call back later,” Mark explained.

Sebastian still looked confused so he continued. “He kept ringing my phone. He was really worried, so I answered. I'm sorry.”

Mark felt horribly guilty that he had abandoned Seb to take that call.

“Oh. Okay.”

Sebastian wasn't sure his brain was working properly yet.

“Perhaps we should call him?” suggested Mark, wondering if it might be an idea to get it out of the way. He wasn't sure how much Seb had taken in from Christian when they had initially spoken.

Seb shrugged, he felt so tired and numb. Mark turned further into him and looked at Sebastian carefully.

“Seb I know it's awful, but all they've got is harassment. The rest is just speculation.”

Sebastian nodded. It didn't make it any better. He kept trying to shut it all out and pretend it wasn't real, but that did no good. He had to face up to things.

 

Mark checked his watch; nearly six o'clock. Christian would doubtless still be at work. It might be best to call him now. He knew it would be hard for Seb, but at least they would get it out of the way. So he dialled, set the phone on speaker and put it on his knee between the two of them and waited for Christian to answer.

 

 

 

As it was, Christian could offer nothing more than he had before. He did sound relieved to hear Seb speak, however briefly as Mark kept the conversation going. He suggested that he should come over in the morning and Seb nodded agreement.

“Seb, I'm sorry to throw more at you, but I've not told Britta anything yet, she's the one they contacted and so far I'm afraid she's inclined to think it has been fabricated, but...” Christian stopped, not wanting to say that they knew different. “You need decide what you want me to tell her, or you can, but she needs to know something if she is going to do her job to try to protect you.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and sank his head further into Mark's shoulder. Mark rubbed his arm and answered for him.

“Okay well...”

Mark wanted to end the call, he knew that Sebastian was struggling.

“And your family Sebi, have you spoken to them?”

 

Sebastian swallowed. He didn't want to think about that.

Reading the silence, Christian continued.

“I know you don't want to, but...”

Mark waited for Seb to say anything, but he had lapsed into silence and didn't seem capable of breaking it.

“Yeah alright, look we'll see you in the morning,” interrupted Mark, trying to bring this to a close.

“Okay. Yes I'll be over first thing. Eight o'clock if that's not too early. Let me know if it's okay to bring Britta with me.”

“Okay,” allowed Sebastian very quietly and Mark hung up for them, pulling Seb into a tight hug, knowing that had been hard for him.

 

 

 

After a little while they parted and Mark looked at Seb, carefully.

“What do you want to do, about your family?” he asked.

Sebastian's head dropped and he spoke without raising it.

“I don't want to have to tell them,” he said plaintively.

Mark sighed. “I know you don't. But if the papers have the documents...”

They couldn't deny the story.

Seb forced his head up and took a calming breath. Mark took his hand and rubbed it with his thumb.

“You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to, but...”

Sebastian nodded.

“If they just read it without me saying anything. I know, I know...”

“It's just harassment Seb, that's all they've got, and that you didn't want him around.”

Seb nodded, but he knew it wasn't just that. The papers had proof of that much, but with the rest alongside it, people would take that they had been involved as fact as well.

 

He closed his eyes again and Seb drew on all his strength. He had to call his family. He had to do it now before he allowed himself to bottle out.

“I'm going to call them,” he stated, pushing himself forward.

“Okay.”

Sebastian turned to look at Mark.

“I need to do this on my own.”

“Right, okay,” allowed Mark.

Seb started to get up, but Mark shook his head.

“No you stay, I'll go in the kitchen, make a start on dinner.”

Sebastian nodded. He wasn't hungry, but maybe Mark needed an activity to keep himself busy. Once he was gone, Seb regretted saying he wanted to be alone, but he'd done it now.

 

 

 

He picked up his phone and stared at it. Surely his family wouldn't have seen anything online already would they? His parents certainly not, but damn, his brother might. Seb knew he couldn't delay another moment and hit dial, feeling sick to the pit of his stomach.

His mother picked up and when Seb hesitated after saying hello she filled the gap by babbling on about how wonderful she thought he had been at Silverstone. They'd already spoken on the day, but any opportunity and she took it.

“We're so proud of you Seb,” his mother exclaimed.

Seb's eyes filled with tears, he couldn't stand it.

“Mum, I have to talk to you about something.”

He tried as hard as he could to sound even and controlled, but he obviously wasn't doing a good job.

“Seb, what's the matter? Why are you upset? Seb?”

 

Sebastian did his best to pull himself together in order to speak.

“There's something in the papers, there will be, tomorrow,” Seb started to explain.

“Not again, oh Seb. How can they do this? It isn't right. They can't just make things up, it's disgraceful. Surely something can be done to stop them. They can't get away with lying...”

Seb was dying on the spot.

“Please Mum,” he interrupted, getting her to listen. “It's not something made up.”

He took a steadying breath.

“Could you get Dad?”

“Yes dear, but...”

“Is Fabian there?”

“He's upstairs.”

“Could you shout him?”

Sebastian didn't think he could do this repeatedly, He wasn't sure that he could do it at all.

 

“Well yes, but...”

“If you could put the phone on speaker?”

His mother shook her head.

“I don't know how to do that sort of thing.”

“Fabian will, please Mum.”

“Okay.”

 

A moment or two later Sebastian heard voices; his brother asking what was going on and his mother saying in an irate voice distantly reaching the phone.

“The papers at it again, it's disgraceful. Whatever it is, he's upset, so don't push him.”

He heard the phone being moved.

“Seb?”

His father's voice.

“Dad could you put Fabian on?”

“Well, um okay.”

Norbert passed the phone to his younger son.

“Seb are you alright? Mum says there's some shit in the tabloids again.”

“Fabian!”

His mother's voice in the background.

“Fabe can you put me on speaker?” requested Sebastian.

Somehow hearing his little brother's voice made him feel calmer, but he hated that he was going to have to tell them this.

 

His brother fiddled with the phone then set it down. Fabian sat on the edge of the coffee table with his parents on the sofa.

“Okay Sebastian, whatever it is you don't need to worry,” tried his father reassuringly, “you know we don't pay any attention to the papers any more. We know they'll print any old rubbish.”

Seb took a breath.

“This isn't rubbish.”

 

There was a silence on the other end and Sebastian wished he could see their faces, this was made harder by being so far away.

“What do you mean?” asked his brother.

“There was someone, in my life, a bit ago. He wasn't good, he...”

Seb paused, he had no idea how to do this, he couldn't tell what they were thinking, how they were reacting.

“He wasn't a good person and I had to get him out of my life.”

“He wasn't good to you?” inquired his mother.

Seb almost laughed, it was the understatement of the century.

“No. There's going to be some stuff in the papers about it and...” he stopped again, in danger of getting overwhelmed. “I'm sorry, this is really hard over the phone.”

Sebastian heard his voice quaver and he wished he could control himself better.

 

“Oh Seb, oh chick don't get upset. It's alright. Why don't you come home and we can talk properly?” suggested his mother.

Seb took a deep breath. Maybe that would be better?

“I could come tomorrow. If that's okay?”

“Of course it's okay,” asserted his father.

“Okay, I'll have to sort it out, I don't know what time or anything.

“That's alright, we'll be here.”

Seb sighed, thinking that he needed to speak to his sisters and go through this again.

“Stef and Mel... I should...”

His mother intervened. “We'll call them, it's alright.”

Sebastian couldn't hide his sigh of relief.

“Okay, thanks. So I'll see you tomorrow. Please don't read the papers or go online in the meantime.”

“We won't,” promised his father.

“Fabian?” checked Seb.

“Um, yeah okay. Seb are you alright?” his brother asked anxiously.

Seb closed his eyes. He hated hearing his little brother worried worse than anything.

 

“I'm okay,” Seb lied. “I'll see you tomorrow. Promise me you won't look at anything Fabe. There could be a load of bullshit mixed in. I don't want you reading that.”

His mother didn't reprimand Sebastian for swearing.

“Okay,” agreed Fabian.

“Promise?”

His brother frowned to hear the unease in Seb's voice.

“I promise,” Fabian vowed. If his brother didn't want him digging around that couldn't be good.

Sebastian tried to think of something reassuring to say before he signed off.

“Look, it's something in the past. It's over. I just need to talk to you about it.”

His family agreed and reluctantly hung up. Seb knew that they would be worrying anyway. He prayed that when he said it was something that was over with he was correct.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark turned and saw Seb accompanied by the dogs entering the kitchen. He went over and gave him a tight hug and set him down at the table.

“I just told them there's something in the papers, that it's true, pretty much, and it's not good. I couldn't really tell them all about... him.”

Mark shook his head.

“You don't have to Seb. Just tell them what you want to.”

Seb let out a humourless laugh.

“I don't want to tell them anything.”

Mark tipped his head to the side, acknowledging that.

“I know.”

 

Seb took a deep breath.

“If I just tell them what I have to, that he was... in my life, that he wasn't good, that I had to get away and he wouldn't leave me alone.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, that's fair enough.” He paused. “And Britta?”

“I'll tell her the same, she has to know some of it, but I'm not telling her more than my family.”

That didn't seem right.

“Fine.”

“I'll text Christian and let him know,” stated Sebastian.

“Okay then.”

 

Mark gave Seb's arm a rub as they sat there. He thought he was doing remarkably well really. Mark had been so worried that Sebastian would completely fall apart.

Sebastian took a slightly shaky breath, before looking Mark in the eye.

“I need to go to see them. My family. I said I'd go tomorrow. You'll come with me?”

Mark looked at the glassy appeal in Seb's eyes.

“Of course I will mate, we'll just go to the airport as soon as Christian's gone and get the first flight out.

Seb puffed out a breath. It did at least feel a tiny bit better to have a plan.

“Right, I've just done some pasta.”

 

Mark got up and doled out the food, fetching them water to drink and then sat back at the table, the dogs settled at Sebastian's feet as they had been the whole time.

Seb pushed the food around his plate.

“Sorry Mark, I'm not hungry.”

“Just a bit?” pushed Mark, worried that Sebastian needed fortifying.

Seb managed a mouthful, but it made him feel sick again so he put down his fork and Mark didn't comment on it. He still felt as though his t-shirt was sticking to his back and his skin felt dirty.

Mark ate his food and tried not to worry that Sebastian wasn't doing the same. He looked so tired and pale. If there was anything in the world he could do to make all this go away he would, but there was nothing he could do.

 

 

“Do you want to lie down for a bit, or go have a bath?”

Mark was trying to think of anything that might help Seb when he was so wiped out.

Sebastian took a sip of his water.

“A bath I think.”

He needed to wash all this off him.

“Will you come too?”

 

Mark nodded and they headed up, Mark instructing the dogs to stay where they were in the kitchen. He ran a bath and climbed in with Seb so he didn't feel alone, helped him out when Sebastian's legs felt like lead and put him to bed before it was even eight o'clock.

He was going to go back downstairs, but Seb still didn't want to be left, so Mark got in and let Sebastian settle against him.

“Seb,” started Mark tentatively, “I have to tell my family too. Only what you're going to tell yours, but I can't just let them read this.”

Seb nodded against him.

“The time-difference... I should call them tonight, later...”

Sebastian tipped his head up a bit to look at Mark.

“Okay.”

“So if you wake up and I'm not here, that's why. I won't be long okay,” reassured Mark.

Sebastian took a shaky breath.

“I don't want to wake up. I don't want to wake up tomorrow at all.”

Mark pulled him tighter, hating how broken Seb sounded.

“We're going to get through this, okay. Just go to sleep now, go to sleep sweetheart, go to sleep.”

Seb shut down his brain, did as he was told and went to sleep. He didn't want to wake up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later Mark lifted Sebastian as delicately as he could to rest him down on the pillow next to him so he could get up and call his family.

He sat at the kitchen table with the dogs by his side and stroked them absently, trying to think what he was meant to say. He puffed a breath and picked up the phone, selecting his parents' number and pressed 'call'.

 

“Hello Mark, this is a surprise,” greeted his father jovially.

“Yeah. Dad is Mum there?”

Alan heard the tone of his son's voice.

“Is everything alright?”

Mark took a breath in.

“No. Could you get Mum? I need to tell you guys something.”

 

 

 

By the time he was done Mark was struggling to hold on. His parents had him on speaker and kept accidentally talking over one another, his mother saying that she'd known Seb wasn't right when he'd stayed last year, and his father asking how it was that the papers could print such things.

“It's a legal document they've got?”

“Yeah, the restraining order,” confirmed Mark.

“But surely they shouldn't be printing that? How is that legal?” questioned his father.

Mark let out a heavy sigh.

“I don't know Dad. I don't suppose they care.”

“No.”

“Oh Mark, this is awful, poor Seb, and he wouldn't leave him alone? He sounds like a terrible person,” his mother interjected.

“Mm.”

“How could he be mixed up with someone like that?” pressed his father.

Mark sighed again.

“He was his trainer Dad. It was... complicated. I can't get into that.

“No of course not.”

 

His mother intervened.

“You sound tired Mark, it must be very late with you. Where is Seb?”

“He's asleep.”

“Is he alright?” asked his mother for what must have been the fifth time.

“Not really Mum to be honest, but he's tougher than he looks.”

“You should go to bed dear, you sound done in.”

Mark was. He felt wrung out.

“I need to call Leanne, then I will,” agreed Mark.

“Okay, well call us if you need to, but just look after Seb, don't worry about us,” entreated his mother.

“I won't insult you by asking you not to speak to anyone about this,” stated Mark.

“No,” confirmed his father. “Of course not.”

“Well call your sister then go get some rest, make sure you take care of yourself as well Mark.”

Mark nodded. He felt as though he could put his head down and fall asleep here. He hung up and redialled for his sister. It was 12.20am, she ought to be home with any luck.

 

 

“Hello stranger,” greeted his sister.

She sounded so pleased to hear from him, Mark couldn't keep it in. He got as far as saying “Leanne,” before bursting into tears.

“Mark? Oh my god, Mark, what's happened? Mark?”

All Leanne could hear was snuffling breaths on the other end of the line.

“Mark what's the matter?”

Mark was swallowing hard.

“Are you okay? Is Seb okay?”

Mark sniffed and his sister felt every one of those ten thousand miles coming between them.

 

“Not really,” Mark managed, he heaved a breath in, trying to pull himself together.

“There's something in the paper tomorrow, about Seb, about his past, someone from his past.”

He took another steadying breath.

“Something that's true?” guessed Leanne.

“Yeah, pretty much. I've not read it, but yeah.”

His sister hadn't asked whether the other story from when Sebastian was young had been true and he hadn't the heart to tell her.

“There's someone,” Mark could bring himself to say his name, “he was Seb's trainer, at the team, and he, well they... there was something going on...”

“They were involved?” clarified his sister.

“Yeah, sort of, it's... I can't get into that, but it wasn't good. He's not a good person...”

Mark swallowed and Leanne spoke to fill the void.

“This is what you couldn't tell me?”

Mark nodded and pushed away more tears, because he still couldn't tell her so much.

 

“Yeah.”

“What happened?” pushed Leanne.

“I can't, I'm sorry. I still can't...”

“Okay, it's alright, you don't have to tell me. What have they got in the papers?” asked his sister calmly.

“They have the restraining order and some busybody from the team selling his soul,” stated Mark bitterly.

"A restraining order? Was it that bad?"

"Mm," allowed Mark, non-commitally.

“And someone from the team?” His sister sounded horrified.

“Ex of the team, anyway apparently he's told them that they were together, not that he really knows anything, but Christian says they've filled in the gaps and...”

“And made their story.”

“Yeah.”

“Is this why he came to you in the first place? Seb?”

Mark nodded. “Yeah. He had to get away. He just needed a place to stay. There wasn't anything between us then, I was just trying to be a friend.”

“You knew he was in trouble?”

“Yeah. Nobody else did. Just me. I didn't know what to do, so I just gave him a place to stay. The restraining order was Christian's idea.”

“So he knew?”

“Once Seb was at mine. Yeah.”

Mark let out another shaky sigh. It all seemed so long ago.

 

“What did he do? This guy.”

“His name is Heikki,” stated Mark.

“Right, so...”

Mark shook his head.

“I've told you, I can't...”

“Alright, but after Seb was at yours, did the restraining order work?”

Mark let out dry mirthless laugh.

“We thought it had, but no, he was biding his time; When Seb moved into his own place he found him...”

“Oh hell,” burst Leanne. She didn't need Mark to tell her that anyone who required a restraining order was dangerous. Clearly the details were too painful to go into. She wasn't going to force them out of her brother.

“No it's okay, Seb called me and we got him to leave. He was just making a nuisance of himself, but after that,” Mark sighed again, “he started following Seb around at races.”

“Stalking him? Bloody hell Mark. He sounds like a complete bastard.”

Mark huffed an actual laugh.

“He is. He's a piece of work. If you had any idea...”

But he couldn't tell her, not really.

Mark took a breath. “We managed to get enough evidence of what he was up to and raise the stakes, to try to get rid of him for good a year ago.”

  
“And that worked?” asked Leanne.

“Yeah, we thought so, but Seb's never stopped worrying. Not really. He's been so anxious that it would come out and now...”

“Now it has.”

Mark shrugged.

“Enough, and he's terrified that the papers will dig around and find him and what he could say...”

“This Heikki.”

“Yeah, just to make trouble. I don't know. I don't see what good it would do him, but...”

“But Seb is worried?”

“You've no idea.”

 

Mark let out a long puff. If Leanne knew the states Sebastian got himself into, what Heikki had done to him to make Seb that way.

“We always knew it was a possibility this could come out, but we didn't want to think about it. Maybe we were in denial, but it's such a shock, for Seb especially.”

It had struck like lightning from a clear blue sky.

“If you'd seen him earlier.” Mark knew his voice had gone shaky again.

Leanne sighed. “Oh Mark, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do.”

“No, it's okay. I just didn't want you reading it in the papers, there's bound to be a load of rubbish along with the bit of truth.”

“It usually is that way around. Okay well you know you don't need to worry about us talking to them. Have you spoken to Mum and Dad?”

“I have. We're going to see Seb's family tomorrow.”

“Poor Seb, I take it they didn't know?” wondered Leanne.

“No. He's so worried that they'll blame themselves.”

“Of course.”

“He never wanted to worry them,” added Mark heavily.

“No, ah, oh that's so sad Mark. I don't suppose there's anything I can do.”

 

Mark shook his head. “Thanks but not really, I should go back to him. He's asleep, but...”

“No you should go. Oh Mark, I'm so sorry.”

Mark rubbed a hand through his hair.

“Why won't they just leave us alone? We're not doing anybody any harm, but they seem to have it in for us, Seb especially and it's so unfair,” complained Mark.

Leanne felt like crying herself. It was unfair. Horribly unfair.

“Well if there's any justice in the world the people who write this stuff will wake up one morning and their nads will have dried up and fallen off.”

Mark coughed with laughter.

“Oh my god, Leanne.”

“Am I wrong?”

“Nope, but... No I hope you're right. There ought to be some kind of karma,” agreed Mark, his mood levelled just a little.

“Well I'll let you get back to him. Give Seb my love and hang in there Mark, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“And you can call me, any time, day or night, don't worry about the time-difference, I'll pick up,” Leanne promised.

“Thanks.”

 

Mark hung up and rested his head on the table for a minute, worrying now that he had told his sister too much while he was upset. He knew he could trust her though, surely there was no point adding something else to his list of concerns?

He sighed out a calming breath before stirring himself to go up and wash his face before carefully getting into bed next to Sebastian. He slid his arm underneath and pulled Seb towards him. Seb snuffled into his chest and Mark leaned closer to him and whispered softly.

“Shh sweetheart don't wake up, it's just me, stay asleep.”

Mark closed his eyes. He didn't want to wake up tomorrow either.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is back to being a two-parter, it wasn't meant to be but it's far too long. Let me know and we'll get to the next bit.
> 
> Poor Seb, maybe it would be kinder to leave him asleep?


	56. Rock

 

 

 

The next morning Sebastian was in the lounge with Britta. Mark and Christian were politely taking as long as possible 'making coffee' in the kitchen to give Seb space to talk to her on his own.

Seb sat on the sofa trying to think how on earth he was meant to tell Britta, and wondering what she already knew or presumed was the truth. He took a breath and did his best to look her in the eye, knowing this wasn't half as bad as talking to his family was going to be. He had been building up to this, trying to put himself in the mind-set of thinking of this as a part of work and handling it as he did when things were hard at the track.

 

“Look Britta I'm sorry, all this, it shouldn't be part of your job.”

“Yes is it is, don't worry about it Seb. My job is to deal with the media and to help you, so I deal with whatever comes up. It's not your fault things have gone a little crazy lately.”

She paused, knowing that they had deliberately been left alone after Christian had stalled her and been vague with her yesterday, then said that it would be best if she had a chat with Sebastian.

“This latest thing...”

Britta saw Seb tense up, she was too used to watching his body-language when he was facing the media not to be able to read him.

“Seb, it's okay. Don't take this the wrong way, but I pretty much knew about you and Heikki.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment. It hurt even to hear his name. Far more than it did Britta revealing she was aware something had been going on.

“I never said anything because it wasn't anyone's business but yours,” explained Britta. “I'm guessing things ended badly?”

Initially she had assumed that the paper must have invented the documents, forged them in some way, or been taken in by a fraudster trying to make a quick buck, but Christian's reaction yesterday and Seb's today had been far too serious and she knew now that it had to be true.

“It was...”

Seb sighed. This was impossible to explain without telling the whole truth and he just couldn't do that.

“It was more complicated than that... things were never good between us...”

Britta sat carefully not betraying any emotion on her face, trying to encourage him to say what he needed to. Seb looked at her and thought he owed her something, at least not to lie to her.

“He wasn't a good person and he...”

Seb shook his head, trying to tell Britta without words that the whole thing had been bad from start to finish.

 

Britta nodded. She had always felt that there was something off there. Heikki was so possessive of Sebastian, often blocking her from seeing him, making excuses and saying he was busy and she had known Seb hadn't been happy off the track for some time. Britta was too used to watching Seb put on his mask for the media not to notice when he did it in the rest of his life too. She should have known there was more to it.

“I'm sorry Seb, I never said anything. I didn't think it was my place, but I knew you weren't happy. I didn't want to make things worse by interfering.”

Seb shook his head.

“It's okay. I didn't want anyone to know. It was... a mess.”

It was the politest way he could think of describing it. 'A nightmare' would have been more accurate.

 

“Is that why you came to England?” wondered Britta.

“Yeah. I had to get away so I came here,” Seb explained.

Britta's eyes opened wider.

“Here as in _here?_ As in Mark's?”

“Um, yeah. I needed a place to stay and Mark offered. He was being a friend. There was nothing else then.”

“Right,” nodded Britta. “And this was when?”

Sebastian took a breath, he might as well give her this much. She needed the details to stand up to questioning from the press.

“Start of last year.”

“I see.”

She had known from what he had said to the press that Seb had stayed here on and off since pre-season last year, but she hadn't realised it was that far back.

“And I spoke to Christian and he sorted out the restraining order and stuff,” Seb continued.

“Right,” Britta paused again as she recalled. “This was when you changed your number?”

“Yes.”

“He was hassling you?” she wondered.

Seb nodded.

“He didn't know where I was though, so it was okay, but when I moved he worked it out somehow.”

 

Britta shifted forward.

“He came here? To England I mean?”

“Yeah, that was before Monaco last year and then he started following me around at races.”

Britta sat upright.

“My god, I had no idea. Hell Seb, I knew you were having problems, but...”

She had assumed it was down to the troubles with the car, not something personal.

“Yeah, well we caught him. It was in Austria actually seeing as there's all that CCTV.”

Britta looked stunned. How could all this have been going on under her nose and she had no idea?

“Christian helped and got security to pull him and he... well, he sort of warned him off and after that it stopped.”

Sebastian heaved a sigh of breath. That would do, surely?

 

Britta sat back and nodded slowly. Seb had been right, it was a mess. She had always thought that she was good at her job, that she kept a close eye on her charge and knew what was going on, but she had missed so much.

“I'm sorry Seb, I don't know how I didn't realise what was going on,” excused Britta.

Seb shook his head. “I was trying to keep it from you, from everybody, so...”

“Okay,” settled Britta. It didn't matter. What mattered was where they went from here. “We'll handle this Seb, okay? We always do. Look why don't we go through?”

 

 

 

They joined the others in the kitchen and sat at the table while Mark made coffee. He sat himself down by Seb's side and looked carefully at him.

“Okay?” Mark checked.

Seb nodded. Talking to Britta hadn't been anything like as bad as he had feared, but then he knew that she was on his side and always had been. He was so busy worrying about facing his family he hardy had any room left to worry about how Britta was reacting.

“Right,” started Christian, getting down to business. “Seb, you...?”

“Yeah.”

Christian nodded. He understood what that meant. When Sebastian had texted he had told his boss what he intended to tell Britta.

“Okay. So. I brought the paper. I don't know if you want to look or not?”

 

Christian looked at Sebastian trying to read him. He didn't look too good, but he had hardly been able to speak yesterday so this was an improvement. Christian didn't see the way Mark's leg was pressed into Seb's underneath the table, but he could see well enough how closely they were sat opposite him.

They all looked at Sebastian who found himself staring at his coffee mug.

“Okay,” he accepted quietly.

 

Christian pulled the tabloid from his bag and placed it on the table facing Seb and Mark. He and Britta silently drank their coffee while they read what had been printed.

 

Sebastian stared at the lurid headlines and the reproduced document that was supposed to have protected him from Heikki. It felt as though it was doing the opposite now. The article ran on and on about their 'secret affair' and how it must have fallen apart so badly as to require Heikki being banned from his presence. The paper gleefully chewed over the comments from the former employee who happily recalled that 'the whole team knew they were at it', and then the article speculated that his 'former lover' had 'lost the plot' when Sebastian 'dumped' him.

Seb felt sick again and was glad that he had refused any of the breakfast that Mark had tried to persuade him to eat. He knew the language of the tabloids was always like this, but it was so horrible to see them enjoying his misery and making light of it as if the whole thing was a big joke.

 

Mark had slid his arm over Sebastian's shoulder and Seb rested further into his side closing his eyes again to shut it all out. When he looked back the paper had disappeared, Christian tactfully removing the offending article.

Christian puffed out a breath.

“So... Not very nice I know, they're making some pretty wild guesses and obviously we know there's more to it.”

Christian glanced at Britta and skimmed past that.

“Who is it?” asked Mark, anger undisguised in his voice.

“Hmm?”

“This ex-employee. Do we know?”

Christian looked at Mark calmly.

“Yes, but I'm not going to tell you...”

“Why not?” demanded Mark.

Christian let out a mirthless laugh.

“Because I'm pretty certain that you would like to go and cave his head in right now, and whilst I can't disagree with the sentiment that won't help matters.”

 

Mark went as if to speak, but Seb piped up.

“I don't care. What does it matter now?”

“I'm sure he has sold all he has to sell,” insisted Christian. “I can tell you that he will never work in motorsport again, if that's any consolation?”

Christian intended to make damn sure of that. Teams did not take well to those who didn't know when to keep their mouths closed.

Mark huffed a breath.

“Okay, Seb's right, it doesn't matter. Did you speak to the lawyers?”

Christian nodded.

“Yes. I'm afraid it was too late to prevent them printing this, but we are trying for an injunction to prevent any more, although it's rather difficult when the genie is out of the bottle, but...” he looked at Seb. “I'm guessing your main concern is _him_.”

 

Sebastian tried not to let any emotion show on his face, but he instinctively pressed tighter into Mark who nodded for him.

“Okay, so the legal team have reissued the warnings regarding Heikki speaking to anyone about you. He signed the confidentiality notice so legally he _can't_ speak to anyone. We'll be coming down on him as heavily as we can, believe me Sebi, okay?”

Sebastian gave a tight nod. He couldn't even bare to hear Heikki's name spoken out loud, it instantly made his pulse run faster and his skin start to creep.

Christian continued. “And the lawyers will be looking at anything else they can do today, both to try to get a handle on the press and on him and I will do all I can, so, okay... Well that's about it really. Do you have any questions?”

“How did they get a hold of this?” queried Mark.

“Not from the team. I am as confident as I can be on that.”

Christian sighed. “We can't be sure, but legal documents have to be filed with the court, so... our best guess is that somebody there stole them, or copied them or what have you and sold them on.”

“To the highest bidder,” suggested Mark bitterly.

“Mm, yes, well...”

Christian shrugged. What could you do?

 

Britta was quiet, watching Sebastian throughout. She had seen him run down and tired or emotional before, but not like this; so sunken in on himself and literally leaning on Mark to get him through. Whatever the hell Seb wasn't telling her about how bad things were with Heikki it had to be serious. Clearly pushing him on it would only make matters worse and Britta wouldn't ask Christian to betray a confidence even if it was obvious that he knew more. She would just have to make the best of things and pray that Sebastian was doing better in time for the race in Germany, or she didn't want to imagine how he would cope.

 

“Okay, well I'll keep you up to date, but Mark said that you are going to see your parents, so we'll let you get on.”

 

Christian rose from his chair, collecting his and Britta's mugs and helpfully putting them by the sink before they left. Once Mark had shown them out he returned to the kitchen to find Sebastian staring at the table where the newspaper had been. He sat down and gave him a hug.

 

“It could have been worse,” Mark tried.

Seb looked at him with those enormous blue eyes and Mark felt guilty for trying to diminish things.

“I know, I know it's bad, but...”

“Yeah, I know,” acknowledged Seb.

The article was mostly gossip-mongering and speculation backed up by one fact and that was that he didn't want Heikki anywhere near him. He still didn't. Sebastian prayed that all the warnings off to Heikki were going to work. It was the one thing he was holding on to right now.

 

“Okay, so shall we get our things and head off?” asked Mark.

He knew Seb was dreading this worse than anything, but the quicker they got to Germany, the quicker this would be over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat as close to Mark as he could on the sofa. His parents opposite him and his brother on the other side of him. There was an awkward silence now they had got past saying hellos, his mother fussing about coffee and his brother telling him he had been allowed to stay off school.

Fabian left out explaining that his parents had only been persuaded to do that when he had told them there was no point as he wouldn't be able to concentrate. His sisters couldn't get out of work at such short notice and would join them later. Seb didn't want to have to think about the fact that he was going to have to do this twice over.

 

Mark slid his hand into Sebastian's and reflexively rubbed his thumb over the back of Seb's hand. He wanted to help, but Mark knew that he couldn't really do anything to lead here.

 

Norbert broke the silence.

“So Seb, are you going to tell us what this is all about?”

His wife turned to him and glared. They had held a long discussion last night about not pressing their son too hard and that was how he starts?

Sebastian was staring at Mark's thumb moving back and forth. He couldn't look at his parents, he couldn't look at his brother. This was so much worse than talking to Britta.

“Seb what is it that's in the papers? We haven't looked at anything,” explained his mother more gently.

 

Seb forced his gaze upwards and took a breath in trying to fortify himself.

“It's about someone... who was in my life... he...”

Sebastian swallowed. This was so hard.

“He wasn't a good person and I had to get away from him. There's a restraining order and the papers found it. They've printed it with a story, gossip from someone who used to be in the team,” Seb rushed.

He chanced looking up at his parents. His father was frowning and his mother looked horrified.

“A restraining order?” Seb's mother furrowed her brow, trying to get her head around it. “To keep him away from you?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark squeezed his hand.

“What had he done?” pressed his mother.

Seb just shook his head. He couldn't tell them. He couldn't.

 

Seeing as they were getting nowhere, his father tried a different question.

“When you say he was in your life, do you mean you were involved?”

Seb gave a half shrug.

“Was he your boyfriend?” asked Fabian.

Sebastian turned to his brother.

“No. He was nothing like that.”

Mark was his boyfriend, whatever Heikki had been was as far removed from being like that as possible.

“Who was it, do we know them?” pressed his father.

Sebastian looked back at him. He squeezed Mark's hand in return as he forced the name out.

“Heikki. His name is Heikki.”

It felt like ripping a plaster off. Just as long as he didn't have to say it again he would be alright.

 

His father goggled at him. “Your trainer?”

Seb nodded tightly.

“But we've met him. I shook his hand.”

Norbert couldn't believe it. He had been perfectly polite in the garage and whenever he had seen photographs of his son at races his trainer had always seemed to be by his side.

“There was something going on though with you two?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian couldn't lie. There had been something going on. He couldn't tell them precisely what that something was though.

 

His mother shook her head, not understanding at all.

“What does that mean?”

Norbert looked at her. He thought it was only too obvious what 'something going on' meant.

“He wasn't good for me. He's not a good person. He... he...”

Seb could feel things getting away from him. Any minute now he was either going to say too much or burst into tears. Mark hadn't intervened but now he moved sideways into Sebastian's eye-line.

“It's okay,” reassured Mark quietly.

Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes, steadying himself, reminding himself what they had spoken of, how he only needed to tell his family what he felt he had to and no more, that he shouldn't torture himself over all this.

 

His parents looked at one another, both wondering what could be so bad that it could upset their son like this. He and Mark seemed closer than ever and although Mark was barely speaking, Seb was clearly relying on him. It had been no surprise to see Mark arrive with Sebastian today although Seb hadn't mentioned it beforehand.

 

Seb gave Mark a tiny nod and he moved back out of the way to allow him to continue. Sebastian looked back at his parents.

“He's not a nice person and he wasn't nice to me, but I just kindof... got stuck.”

Sebastian couldn't tell them how trapped he had been, how Heikki had deliberately isolated him and left him without any escape routes until he chanced upon Mark, the very last person Heikki thought Sebastian would turn to.

“I had to get away from all that, so I...” Seb glanced at Mark. “I left and went to stay in England.”

Fabian by his side suddenly put some pieces together in his head.

“You went to stay with Mark?”

“Yes.”

“When?” asked his mother.

“January last year.”

“ _January?”_ repeated his father in astonishment.

He knew that Seb had said he had stayed with Mark a bit last year, but all that way back?

Seb nodded.

“How long for?” wondered his mother, still feeling very confused.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Um, until I got my own place over there,” he confessed.

His mother frowned, trying to add it all up.

“But that was...”

“The end of April,” admitted Sebastian.

“You were with Mark all that time?” asked Fabian.

 

Seb looked at him carefully. He hated the idea that his brother thought he had been lying to him.

“Well I was away for all the racing stuff.”

“But you were living with him?” pressed his father. He looked at Mark. “Sorry, you were living together?”

“I needed a place to stay, Mark was just being a friend,” Seb explained.

“Why didn't you come here?” asked his mother.

 

She sounded so hurt and confused and it killed Sebastian. He didn't think he had been lying to them, but in a way he had, by not telling them.

“I, I don't know. I just... I didn't want to worry you and I couldn't tell you about him, because I hadn't... because I didn't know how to...”

Because he hadn't had the nerve to come out to his family, how could he tell them what had been going on with Heikki when that was so much worse?

“I'm sorry.”

Sebastian was on the point of tears. He felt so guilty about not telling his family then, of not telling them everything now. But he couldn't do it. They would never forgive themselves and they would never look at him in the same way again. Seb was so ashamed of what he had allowed to happen and he had made it worse by not even having the courage to tell his parents he was gay until Mark and Henry helped him.

 

Mark could see how upset Seb was getting and how painful all this was for him. He wished he could do this for Seb, but that wasn't possible.

“Oh Seb.”

His mother felt awful seeing how upset her little boy was. He was practically hanging onto Mark. Thank god he had at least had Mark to turn to. Whatever it was that Sebastian couldn't tell them it must be bad. This Heikki must have treated him very unkindly to distress Seb like this so long afterwards.

“So you went to stay with Mark,” reiterated his mother.

Seb nodded.

“And that's when you got the restraining order?” queried Norbert.

Seb nodded again.

“You changed your phone number,” remembered Fabian.

Seb nodded again.

 

Leaving his home and going to stay with Mark in another country, changing his phone, getting a restraining order. The more his family heard, the worse it got.

 

“Seb what did he do, this Heikki?” worried his mother.

Sebastian's head dipped down.

“Please don't...”

His mother was appalled to see Seb like this, but she couldn't help asking.

“Oh sweetheart, what did he do?”

Seb shook his head, still not looking up.

“I _can't._..”

He couldn't tell them. He couldn't do it. They had to stop pushing or he was going to crack any moment now.

 

Mark would have put his arm around Sebastian, but he had such a tight hold of his hand Mark couldn't move it. He looked up at Seb's parents trying to appeal to them not to press him any further, but Mark still didn't feel that it was his place to tell them that out loud.

“Why can't you talk to us Seb?” asked Norbert, sounding bewildered.

Every time they saw their eldest son it seemed to be to reveal something new that he had been keeping from them.

Sebastian couldn't respond. He kept his head down and couldn't look at his parents questioning him like this.

“We don't understand,” continued his father, trying his best to sound as though they weren't criticising him.

“Seb don't get so upset, it's alright,” tried his mother.

 

Fabian sat shrunk into the corner of the sofa, feeling completely lost. Seb looked as though he was in physical pain and hardly seemed like his brother at all. Mark was clearly fighting speaking and his parents kept on asking questions and getting no answers.

 

“Why can't you tell us?” pressed his father again in frustration.

Getting nothing back he looked at Mark, but Mark was too busy watching Sebastian.

Norbert shook his head.

“You went to stay with Mark and you never even told us where you were Seb.”

“I knew something was wrong,” let out Seb's mother, almost to herself. “You didn't seem yourself and I _knew_ there was something.”

When Seb had been to stay that Christmas he had seemed so withdrawn and uncommunicative and he had left in almost no time at all. Then all through the early part of last year they had heard so little from their son and whenever they had seen Seb on television he had looked tired and run down. She should have trusted her instincts and not let him fob them off in the brief phone-calls they had.

“You told Mark but you couldn't tell us? We're your _family_ Seb,” pressed Norbert.

“I'm _sorry,_ ” tried Seb in a pained voice.

 

Sebastian took in what was supposed to be a calming breath as he looked up at his parents, but instead it came in sharp gulps and he started sobbing.

“Norbert!”

Seb's mother whipped around to glare angrily at her husband.

“ _Now_ look what you've done.”

Seb couldn't stand it any longer. He couldn't bare his family seeing him so weak and pathetic and childish like this. Just as Heikki had always told him he was.

 

He pushed himself up off the couch and hurriedly left the room, Mark not breaking pace to follow Seb.

Heike turned to her husband.

“I told you not to push him and _what_ do you do?”

“I'm just trying to understand,” defended Norbert.

“He's obviously upset and you go and make it ten times worse. No wonder he doesn't talk to us.”

“That's what I'm trying to get him to do,” insisted Norbert, turning to face his wife.

Heike shook her head angrily.

“You're making him feel guilty about it. How is that helping?”

“Well I don't understand. He can tell Mark, but he can't tell us?”

“No wonder if this is what you're like!”

 

 

 

Fabian got up off the sofa and left the room. His parents didn't even seem to notice him go. He went into the kitchen and slumped into a chair at the table. Out through the window in the kitchen door he could see his brother sat in one of the garden chairs, crying his eyes out, Mark dipped down at his side trying to comfort him and then pulling Seb into his arms. In the next room Fabian could hear his parents still arguing.

He felt as though his family was falling apart.

 

Fabian closed his eyes and tried to shut it all out but it wasn't working. He didn't understand what was happening. He'd met Seb's trainer back when they had gone to the race in Hockenheim ages ago and he'd seemed alright. His brother hadn't said anything much about him, certainly not that something was going on between them. Fabian knew what that meant, he wasn't such a child as to not understand what they were talking about. But then maybe that was why Seb couldn't tell them then seeing as he hadn't told them that he was gay then. Was that what this was all about?

He looked back out into the garden and saw that Mark had pulled another chair over and was sat holding Sebastian, his brother's head resting on Mark's shoulder, moving slightly. Seb was still crying, he could tell.

 

Fabian had never seen his brother upset like this, never in his whole life. He had seen him cry when he was happy because he had done something incredible like winning a world championship, but that wasn't the same at all. Seb was always so together, so in control. He was always laughing and teasing Fabian and making jokes with the press even when they were horrid to him.

A few years back when the crowd had turned nasty and started booing Sebastian, even then his brother hadn't got upset. Fabian had. His mother had found him crying in his room after watching a race on TV and although Fabian had attempted to cover it up, she had got it out of him and called Seb to get him to reassure Fabian that he was alright. His older brother was the toughest person he knew apart from Mark. Now Seb was in bits and Mark seemed to be the one holding him together.

 

Mark had been holding onto Sebastian the whole time, even when they had arrived earlier he'd been holding his hand on the doorstep. Mark never seemed to get upset. When Seb had crashed in Monaco he had later told Fabian that the reason he kissed his brother was because he was scared for him and had been worried that Seb was hurt, but he hadn't looked scared. Mark never seemed scared or upset. He seemed so strong. Fabian's mother had joked once that Mark looked as though he was carved out of granite. Maybe that was why his big brother liked him so much? There was something reassuringly solid about Mark.

Fabian had liked Mark as soon as he had got to know him. He was funny and thoughtful and even though he was quite old he didn't act like it and he didn't treat Fabian like a stupid little kid like the rest.

It was so obvious looking back that Mark and Seb had liked one another, Fabian felt idiotic that he hadn't realised. Mark always said nice things about his brother and was kind about him. Seb in return never stopped going on about how great Mark was when they spoke on the phone. Mark was always by his brother's side supporting him. Fabian had seen it at races, but it was what he was seeing now too. He was glad Mark was here. He seemed to be the only one keeping it together.

 

 

 

 

Fabian was drawn back from his thoughts by the door opening and his brother and Mark coming back inside. Sebastian looked embarrassed to be seen and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve, avoiding eye-contact with his brother.

“I'm gonna...”

“Okay.”

Seb disappeared to the bathroom to try to sort himself out a bit and Mark was left in the kitchen. He turned and leant back on the kitchen units, puffing out a breath before rubbing his face and looking over at Fabian.

 

Mark offered Sebastian's little brother a reassuring smile thinking how confusing and troubling this must be for the boy.

“How are you doing kiddo?”

Fabian looked up at Mark and gave a shrug.

Mark would have laughed if he'd had it in him, the gesture was so familiar. Fabian didn't look all that much like his older brother, but sometimes there were flashes of similarity that reminded him of Seb. Poor kid, all this he was going through. It made Mark angry that the media had such disregard for the distress that rippled out through the families of those they treated so cruelly.

 

Mark sat himself down at the table opposite Fabian.

“Your brother's going to be alright Fabe, he's just upset. This is very hard for him,” explained Mark.

Fabian nodded. He didn't know what to say. Mark must know more about what was going on.

He looked at Mark wondering if it was right to ask him when Seb wasn't there.

“Mark...” Fabian hesitated. “I don't understand. Why would Seb be with someone who wasn't nice to him?”

Mark sighed. The answer to that question was that Sebastian hadn't had any real choice in the matter, but he couldn't explain that to Fabian.

“Ah Fabe, life is complicated. Give your brother a break, alright? Try not to push him on all this.”

“Okay,” agreed Fabian. He didn't know what to do, but he certainly didn't want to make things worse for Seb.

“He needs our support.”

 

Fabian nodded. If that was all he could do he should do that. It was awful seeing his brother like this.

“He's been through so much Fabian. The media never seem to let up on him and he works so hard. No one sees all that. Seb makes it look easy, but it's even harder making it look easy.”

“I never thought it was easy,” tried Fabian.

Mark shook his head. “I didn't mean you, I just meant, ah I don't know, _people_. They only see the victories and the rewards, and somehow that makes Seb fair game.”

“Why are people so mean to him?” asked Fabian sadly.

“I don't know mate, there are some bad people in this world and the rest, well, I suppose they just don't know Seb like we do.”

Fabian nodded. If only people did know Seb like they did, there was no way they could treat him like this.

 

Mark took a breath.

“Right, come on, give me a hand making some tea will you? I don't know where anything is.”

Fabian copied Mark and got up to do something useful. As they stood around waiting for the kettle to boil he stared at his feet. It had gone quiet in the other room now. He didn't know if that was good or bad.

“Should we make tea for Mum and Dad?”

“Hm? Oh yeah I suppose so. Do you think they want tea or coffee?”

Fabian looked awkwardly at Mark.

“I don't want to go and ask. They were arguing...”

Mark sighed. Poor kid, he must feel as though his world was collapsing around his ears.

“They're just upset Fabe. It'll be alright.”

He put an arm around Fabian and gave him a half hug to try to cheer him up.

“Your brother's going to be alright too. He's going to get through this. We all will, okay? Even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Your brother is the toughest person I've ever known. He'll be okay, he just doesn't know it yet, Seb doesn't know how strong he is.”

 

Fabian nodded. He didn't know how Mark was so certain, but he made it sound unquestionable.

“Okay,” he agreed.

“Good stuff. Now then, where's the sugar?” requested Mark, focussing his energies on doing whatever practical things he could.

Fabian frowned as Mark stirred sugar into a mug, but drank from another.

“None of us take sugar,” pointed out Fabian.

“That's for Seb,” Mark explained.

“He doesn't either.”

Fabian thought it odd that Mark wouldn't know that.

“He does today.”

Fabian was about to enquire what he meant when his brother walked back in and he rushed over to give him a tight hug. Seb hung onto him for a while before letting go and reassuring him that he was okay.

They sat drank their tea letting things settle down until Norbert came through and asked if they would go back into the lounge.

 

He ducked down by Sebastian's chair, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Come on through Seb. It's alright.”

“I'm sorry Dad, I didn't mean to...” started Seb trying to excuse causing a scene.

“No no, I'm the one who should be apologising. I didn't mean to make you feel worse about things. Come on, we'll have a proper chat in the lounge,” encouraged his father.

 

 

 

As they went back into lounge. Seb felt terrible seeing that his mother had obviously been crying too. She gave him a hug and he tried to apologise again.

“No dear, no more of that. Are you alright?”

Sebastian nodded, although he wasn't really. He hated seeing what all this was doing to his family.

His mother shook her head at seeing him this way and gave him another hug before letting him sit down. Mark put his arm around Seb who pushed himself tightly into his side as the sat on the sofa. Fabian set down two mugs on the coffee table for his parents.

“Oh thank you Fabian, you're a good boy,” praised his mother.

Fabian gave a little shrug and sat himself back where he had been before and they all took a breath.

“Now then,” commenced his father. “Let's try again. Seb we're very sorry that the press are causing you so much trouble, it's very unfair. I'm sure everyone has chapters in their lives they'd rather forget.”

He looked at his eldest son and wished again that he could find out what had really gone on, but clearly it was too much for Seb. If the price of knowing what was distressing his son was upsetting him this badly, it wasn't worth it. He'd have to live with not knowing.

 

Seb looked at his parents trying to think what to say, but his mother turned to his father clearly prompting him.

“Mark, I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to imply that Seb shouldn't have talked to you, we're very grateful to you, for, well, for being there for him.”

Mark just gave a little shake of the head dismissing it.

“He was just being a friend Dad,” reminded Sebastian, not wanting his family to get the idea that he had been misleading them about their relationship.

“I know. A very good friend. Thank you Mark.”

Norbert looked at how closely they were pressed into one another opposite him. Perhaps it wasn't quite so hard to see how this had developed. Thank heavens Seb had at least had someone to turn to.

“I just did what anyone would have,” explained Mark.

Norbert shook his head.

“I'm afraid the world shows us that isn't true,” noted Seb's father.

There was little enough kindness in this world, they ought to recognise it where they found it.

“We're just glad you had somewhere to go Seb, if you were, well, if you needed it,” tried his mother.

“Seb you don't have to tell us anything you don't want to,” insisted Norbert.

“No. Just... We hate thinking you were unhappy. I wish we'd been around more, but you were always so busy,” added Heike.

 

Sebastian glanced up at Mark before looking back at his parents.

“It was a mess, my whole life was a mess and...”

Seb took in a shaky breath and Mark squeezed him, helping him continue.

“I had to make a break, get away from all that, so I went to Mark's and Christian sorted out the restraining order to keep him away.”

Seb's parents looked at one another. Norbert was about to comment that Sebastian had spoken to his boss as well, but the expression on his wife's face told him to hold his tongue.

“Was he being trouble, this Heikki?” asked his mother.

“Just phone calls and texts. I didn't read them, but... That's why I got a new phone,” recalled Sebastian.

 

Seb looked at his parents who were carefully not doing anything more than nodding. Okay, he could do this much; he could tell them what happened afterwards if he couldn't say what had gone on before.

Seb told them how he stayed at Mark's and things had got better, how he thought he had moved on and got his own place in England when Heikki had showed up.

“He came to your house?” gasped his mother.

“Mark made him go away.”

Sebastian remembered how terrified he had been. Mark had saved him, Mark was always saving him.

“ _You_ made him go away,” insisted Mark firmly. “He's a coward Seb. You stood up to him and he left.”

“Oh Seb he sounds a horrible person,” exclaimed his mother.

Seb looked at them, thinking they would never know how much of an understatement that was.

 

“After that I went back to stay at Mark's, I just didn't like staying there any more.”

Norbert thought how Sebastian had told them that there had been a problem with the house, not a hint of all this.

“And that was okay and everything, but then he started...” Seb paused. There was no other way to describe it. “He started stalking me at races.”

“Oh my god Seb,” burst Fabian. “He was stalking you?”

“He, he was just around. I thought I was imagining it.”

“He didn't do anything?” worried his mother.

“No. Mark was there most of the time. He was just messing with my head.”

Norbert frowned. “He sounds deranged.”

Mark raised an eyebrow. That sounded about right.

 

“Why didn't you call the police?” asked Norbert.

Seb shook his head. “We didn't want any fuss. It would have ended up in the papers.”

He huffed a humourless laugh. Much good it seemed to have done them.

“The team lawyers handled things and it stopped and everything finally calmed down.”

Sebastian puffed another long breath thinking he had got past the worst of it.

“Then in the summer I found a new place and... yeah, I guess that was it.”

 

Seb looked at Mark feeling relieved he had got out what he needed to say and Mark smiled at him and gave his arm a rub.

“How long were you at Mark's then?” wondered Fabian.

Seb tried adding up in his head.

“Six months I suppose. On and off.”

“Wow.”

Fabian stared at his brother. Six months and Seb had only said was that he'd stayed with Mark a bit. All this had been going on and they'd had no clue.

Sebastian looked at his parents waiting for them to say something, but they were clearly holding themselves back now, not wanting to upset him.

“So it's all over with then?” risked his father.

“I hope so. I don't know. I'm sure the papers will go on about it, but...”

Sebastian closed his eyes, he was trying very hard not to think about the possibility that there could be more to come.

 

“When the team got rid of him, when he was sacked, or let go, whatever they called it, they got him to sign something so he couldn't talk to anyone about this. I suppose we paid him off,” Seb admitted.

“You gave him money?” queried his father.

“It was a parting settlement, not something dodgy. But the papers could make it into something and he, Heikki...” God it hurt to say his name. “He could still go to the papers and say things about me, he could just make things up, he...”

“Seb he won't. He can't. He'd be breaking the law,” interrupted Mark.

He looked at Seb's family.

“Christian and the team lawyers are working on making sure he knows that and they're trying anything else they can to close this all down, so...”

“Right. I see.”

Norbert sighed. Poor Seb, no wonder he was so anxious.

“He sounds like a terrible person. I sorry he ever came anywhere near you.”

“Oh Seb, what a horrible business. How awful. And the papers prying into all this...”

His mother shook her head. Her poor boy pulled apart by the press when he had already been through all this. No wonder he didn't want to talk about it. What an ordeal.

She wanted to go over and hug Sebastian but he was wrapped up in Mark. Seb had dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder. He looked exhausted.

 

They sat in silence for a while, no one knowing what to say. Seb's parents still had so many questions, but no good came of asking them.

Sebastian's stomach rumbled in the quiet and his mother asked when he had last eaten. Seb could hardly think, lunchtime yesterday, but he'd thrown that up, it was a long time but he still wasn't hungry, even if his body thought differently.

His mother insisted they should get something and said his sisters could eat later seeing as they didn't know when they would arrive. She took Fabian and her husband into the kitchen on the pretext of helping and left Seb with Mark. Heike decided she would talk to the girls as soon as they got here, they couldn't make Seb go through that again.

 

 

As soon as they were alone Sebastian pulled his knees up and folded into Mark who held him in tight.

“I can't tell them any more.”

“I know. It's okay,” soothed Mark. “You did good. You did so well Seb. You told them enough, that'll do.”

Seb nodded against him. It would have to do, he couldn't go further. He was so damn tired.

 

 

 

 

 

They hadn't made any real plans as to what they were going to do, but as it got later Sebastian put up no resistance to his parents insisting that they should stay over. Mark had expected as much and had packed enough in a bag to keep them going for a day or so. Seb had no energy to think about practicalities. It took all he had to sit with his sisters sympathising while his parents made themselves scarce.

His mother had got to them first, so it wasn't quite as bad, but he wished they could be normal and tease him like they used to. Stef and Mel were looking at him as if he was ill and his little brother was being so polite around him, which felt strange. Seb knew he ought to go and spend a bit of time alone with Fabian to let him know that he was okay and that he felt bad that he had kept all this from him. He knew Fabian must be upset about it even though he was being very grown-up. Seb had to keep reminding himself that his brother wasn't a little boy any more, maybe he was handling this better than he gave him credit.

 

 

 

Seb felt so exhausted that in the evening he did little more than sit by Mark while they all pretended to concentrate on watching the television. He was tired, bone tired, and when Mark suggested they should go to bed a little after nine he didn't think twice before agreeing.

When his mother showed them upstairs, it finally occurred to Sebastian to think about the sleeping arrangements, but when they walked into his room he saw that his little old bed had been replaced by a brand new double bed. It was squeezed in by the wall, with the rest of the furniture removed apart from a chest of drawers, making his childhood room look quite transformed.

Mark dumped down the bag and thanked Heike who left them to it.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded. “They got rid of the bed.”

“Happy memories?”

Seb gave the closest thing to a smile he had managed all day.

“I won't forget it, that's for sure.”

“Well, I think it's very thoughtful of your parents. I can't pretend I won't be glad there'll be enough room to stretch out a bit,” confessed Mark.

“Right I'm going to the bathroom.”

He gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Don't worry, I put pyjamas in, so you don't need to feel uncomfortable.”

“Thank you.”

 

Seb pulled their things out of the travel bag and sorted them out. There was a tap on the half-open door and his mother reappeared.

“Everything alright?” she checked, cautiously popping her head into the room.

“You can come in Mum. Yes all good thank you. And thank you for this.”

“Hmm?”

“Sorting out my room, so we can stay here.”

Sebastian looked at the double bed. It spoke volumes for his parents acceptance of his and Mark's relationship.

“Of course dear. We wanted you to be able to come and stay, both of you,” Heike explained.

“It means a lot.”

Seb looked at his mother.

“I know it must be strange for you. Me being with Mark and...”

His mother shook her head.

“No dear it's fine. I'm glad you have him. I'm glad he was there for you.”

Seb felt bad again about the fact that he hadn't gone to his parents when he was in trouble.

 

“I'm sorry Mum, I know I should have come here. I just didn't want to worry you.”

“We're your parents, we're meant to worry about you. That's our job.”

“I didn't want to disappoint you...”

“Seb you could never disappoint us. How many times do we have to tell you?”

She sat the two of them down on the bed and put her arm around him.

“You have to stop worrying what everyone else thinks Seb. We love you and Mark loves you and none of the rest of it matters.”

Sebastian nodded and pulled himself together.

“Now get some rest pet, you look done in. It'll all look better in the morning,” his mother assured.

Maybe it would. Seb felt as though he could sleep for a week.

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning Mark woke not realising at first that they weren't at home seeing as they were warm and comfortable, but that respite only lasted seconds before he remembered why it was that they had fallen asleep as they were; Seb curled up tightly in front of him on his side, Mark spooned into Seb's back with his arm around him. He seemed peaceful so Mark made sure not to move and wake him.

Mark had nearly fallen back asleep again when Sebastian jolted awake and quickly turned in his arms to push his face into Mark's chest. Mark stroked his arms down his back.

“It's okay, you did the hard bit yesterday,” noted Mark.

Seb looked up, still lying against him.

“I just can't stop thinking about what could happen.”

“Don't. It does no good.”

“I know.”

“Christian and the lawyers, they're doing all they can.”

“I know.”

“There's nothing you can do, so just try to let it go. Just shut it out sweetheart, don't think about it. Don't let him do that to you.”

 

Seb nodded. Mark was right, he always was. Mark was so sensible and he was always there for him. He would never have got through yesterday without him.

Sebastian shifted up a little and lay his head on the pillow looking at Mark.

“Thank you for being with me.”

Mark smiled and rested his hand against Seb's face.

“Where else would I be?”

He moved his hand down to Seb's shoulder and kissed him. As they parted Sebastian rested back and felt a bit better.

 

“Du bist mein Fels in der Brandung,” said Sebastian quietly.

“Hmm?”

Mark frowned. It was a little early for his brain to work that out.

“I am..?”

“You are my rock, my island in the stormy sea. I think I'd drown without you Mark.”

“No you wouldn't.”

“I would. I need you. You're my rock. I never want to let go of you. You won't let me slip under the water will you?” appealed Sebastian.

“No of course not, but you won't drown Seb, you're a strong swimmer,” insisted Mark.

 

Sebastian thought how they had joked about how they were going to miss the pool when he gave up the house. That had been earlier in the week, before his phone had rung and shattered their happiness.

 

“Du bist mein Fels,” repeated Sebastian.

Mark wasn't going to argue with Seb.

“Thank you.”

He gave him another kiss and pulled Seb in so he could lie with his head on Mark's shoulder. They were comfortable like this, no rush to get up.

“Mein Fels,” echoed Sebastian quietly again, finding the idea comforting.

 

 

 

 

 

There was a knock on the door and Sebastian jumped.

“Um, yes?”

“It's me. Can I come in?” asked Fabian.

 

Seb shuffled himself up and the pair of them sat against the pillows.

“Erm, okay,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark smiled, thinking it was a good job that he had brought the pyjamas to wear or this would be distinctly awkward.

 

Fabian stuck his head around the door and then seeing things were alright, came over and plonked himself down to sit at the bottom of the bed. Mark almost laughed at how unbothered Seb's little brother was to see them like this.

“Everyone else is up. Mum said to leave you, but I thought you might want some breakfast.”

“That was thoughtful of you,” smiled Mark, thinking it typical that Fabian had ignored his mother.

“So are you getting up?”

“We'll be down in a minute,” agreed Sebastian.

“Oh okay.”

 

Fabian was about to go when he dared saying something.

“Seb, with all this, you know, this stuff going on... I can still come and stay can't I?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Of course you can,” agreed Sebastian.

He glanced at Mark.

“That's alright isn't it?”

“Of course. You could come after we get back from our holiday,” suggested Mark.

“Holiday?”

“We're going away at the start of the break, but you could come after that. We can work out the dates,” confirmed Seb, thinking that surely everything would have calmed down a month from now.

“Oh okay. Great.”

Fabian looked happy to hear it and Seb was thinking what the timing would be.

“Maybe you could come out to Spa with us afterwards. What do you think Mark?” asked Seb.

“Hm? Oh yeah fine. That'll give me someone to talk to while your brother's running about in the car.”

“Really? That'd be brilliant. Thank you. Cool.”

Fabian made to get up, feeling encouraged that some things were going to go on as normal. His brother was still his brother.

 

“Fabe, hang on. Umm, talking of coming to stay we have some news,” started Sebastian.

He glanced at Mark who nodded, guessing what Seb was saying.

“We're moving in together. Mark and I. Properly that is.”

Fabian stopped getting up.

“Oh are you? Wow. That's great.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah fantastic.”

“Thanks, it's me moving into Mark's. Well, not moving all that much really seeing as I'm there most of the time,” explained Sebastian.

“So not much change there then?”

Mark laughed at Fabian making a joke about it.

 

Sebastian looked at his brother thinking that he was being very good about his failure to tell him where he had been for half of last year.

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you about me being at Mark's back then.”

Fabian shrugged.

“It's okay.”

It did hurt to think that his brother couldn't tell him, but he didn't want to make Seb feel guilty.

“We've not told anyone yet, so let us tell everyone won't you?” requested Sebastian.

“Oh yeah, sure.”

 

Fabian was impressed that they had told him before anyone else. 

“You'd better hurry up if you want breakfast, Mum's threatening to make me do the washing up already.”

He headed off.

 

Mark smiled.

“Thought there must be a good reason he'd snuck off in here.”

“You'll be alright with him staying with us so long?” checked Seb.

“Of course. I think he deserves a bit of a treat, don't you?”

“Well if hanging around the house and walking the dogs with us is a treat?”

“It is for him Seb. We can try and think of some fun things to do. Give the kid something to look forward to.”

Seb pushed himself up out of bed and turned back to look at Mark.

“Just so long as he's not invited to come on holiday with us as well.”

“No definitely not. That's only for us to look forward to,” confirmed Mark. “Now come on let's go get some food before your brother breaks half the plates.”

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat eating toast between Mark and his sister Stefanie who had apparently got up almost as late as they had. He thought she looked worse than he must do and Sebastian felt guilty again, his sisters had been so supportive when he had spoken to them.

As Mark got up to get more coffee and Fabian had disappeared off, dodging his chores, Seb took a moment to speak to her.

“Stef are you alright?”

“Hmm? Oh, I'm just not very hungry.”

Seb looked at her, she looked tired and he wondered how he looked to her. At least he could eat now without feeling as though he was going to bring it straight back up again.

“I'm sorry we had to drag you here... all this...” tried Sebastian.

Stefanie shook her head.

“No Seb it's alright. I'm only sorry I couldn't get here earlier yesterday, but the kids I work with... you can't disrupt their schedules, routine is very important to them and...”

“Of course, no I wouldn't expect you to drop everything.”

 

Sebastian thought again of the work his sister did. It was far more important than what he did. Stef was really dedicated to helping those families whose their lives must be so much harder than his. Trying to cope with giving a disabled child the best possible life must be incredibly hard. It was a reminder that although his problems seemed overwhelming, Seb wasn't the only person with troubles.

 

“We're going to come to the race next week, Mel and I, and Jan too if that's alright? Mum said if you asked the team they could sort that out?”

“Oh yeah, that would be nice. Thank you. Yes I'll have a word, it shouldn't be a problem. That's very kind of you,”

“Of course. Look Seb I haven't said anything to Jan yet, about... all this.”

“Oh, right.”

“I mean if you don't want me to.”

Seb shook his head. Stef and Jan had been together for years, it wasn't fair to ask her to keep things from her partner.

“It's okay, just...”

“He won't tell anyone else. He's family Seb, like Mark is,” pointed out Stef.

“Yes of course he is, no that's fine, and it'd be very nice of you to come next weekend. I'll fix it up.”

“Good. So we'll all be there with you Seb alright, and everything is going to be fine,” reassured his sister.

They were interrupted by Mark offering coffee.

“None for me thanks,” replied Stef. “I'm going to go get a shower before you steal the bathroom, assuming Mel's finally done in there.”

 

 

 

 

Although his family were being kind and very understanding, now that he had told them as much as he could bring himself to, the truth was that Sebastian wished that he was back home where he could bury himself away with Mark and forget about the world.

They made their excuses and insisted that they could get a taxi back to the airport despite Seb's parents attempts to persuade them to let them drive them.

Mark let Sebastian be the one to go up to tidy away their things, sensing that he had been struggling with making polite conversation. He had barely left Seb's side the entire time that they had been here, but he wanted to try to catch a moment with Norbert. He wasn't surprised to see Fabian follow his brother upstairs and in his absence Seb's mother had asked her husband to clear away the coffee cups, so Mark took his chance and collected more to go with him into the kitchen.

 

Norbert turned to him and relieved Mark of his burden.

“Thank you Mark.”

“No problem. Listen, while we have a moment I did want to say... I'm sorry. You warned us about all of this, the press I mean. We did know, but still...”

Norbert shook his head.

“I think you were equally aware this was likely.”

“We were, but the reality...”

Mark puffed a breath, it was harder than he had even imagined.

“No one should have to put up with this,” pointed out Norbert.

“So much of it is falling on Seb. I wish it wasn't that way, I wish there was something I could do.”

“I think you do plenty Mark. It's not your fault the media behave this way.”

 

Mark felt awkward saying this but he thought he ought to.

“It is my fault that we came out in the way we did. What happened in Monaco...”

“No Mark, I don't think you should ever have to apologise for loving someone. It's a screwed-up world we live in if you do.”

Mark gave a tip of his head. That was true.

“I do love Seb, very much.”

It felt strange saying this to Seb's father, but Mark wanted him to know that Sebastian was safe with him.

Norbert put a hand on Mark's arm and nodded.

“We know. It's pretty obvious how much you care about each other.”

He smiled at Mark.

“I wouldn't worry about Monaco, you were never going to able to hide that from the world for very long.”

“So much for our plan,” noted Mark wryly.

Norbert shrugged.

“Ah well, isn't that what people say? Life is what happens while you were busy making other plans? There's no point worrying about what has happened in the past, we can't do anything about it, we can only concern ourselves with what happens in the future.”

Mark nodded agreement, it was much his own philosophy.

 

“I'm pleased that you and Seb are moving in together, I hope you'll be happy,” offered Norbert.

Mark might not look anything like the future he had envisaged for his son, but he made Seb happy and you would have to be blind not to see how much they loved one another. It was the world's fault, not Mark's, that this caused his son problems.

“I glad we've got a moment too Mark, because I wanted to say again how grateful Seb's mother and I are that he had you. I'm sorry. When I spoke yesterday I said he should have gone to his family...” Norbert looked Mark in the eye. “I didn't realise that was what he did.”

 

Mark was taken aback. He didn't know what to say other than thank you. Norbert just nodded again. Strangely it felt like some kind of agreement, as if Seb's father was giving his blessing to Mark and accepting that he had handed over Seb to his care. All Mark could do was look him in the eye and hope Norbert knew he could trust him.

 

“So everyone's going to be at the race it seems,” noted Mark, ploughing on.

“Yes, well if we can't do anything else at least we can all be there. Show the world a united front as it were,” explained Norbert.

“I'm sure Seb'll appreciate it, I know he will, even if he's pretty busy and well, sometimes Seb struggles to say all he wants to.”

Norbert gave a dry laugh. “I think we all know that well enough. Don't let him worry about that. We'll all just be there and let Seb get on with whatever he needs to. We can show the world that we're there supporting him can't we?”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark.

In a world where image was everything, Seb's entire family being there showing their undinting support would be important.

“We'll see if we can come from the Friday. We've not agreed it just yet, so wait until we tell Seb.”

“Of course.”

“It'd mean Fabian missing another day off school, which Heike isn't keen on,” explained Norbert.

“I imagine Fabian would be rather more keen,” suggested Mark.

Norbert smiled. “You imagine correctly.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Do you need any help?” offered Fabian, lurking in the corner while Seb repacked the flight hold-all.

“Hmm, no this is it thanks.”

Seb zipped it up and sat down on the bed.

“Fabe come and sit with me a minute,” he requested.

 

Fabian did as he was asked and Seb put his arm around him.

“I'm sorry Fabe, all this it must be horrible for you.”

Fabian shrugged.

“I don't suppose it's much fun for you either?”

Seb gave a dry huff. “No.”

“Are you alright?”

Sebastian gave his brother a sideways look.

“If I'm honest, no not really, but I'll survive.”

 

He pushed out a long breath. It was still difficult finding a way to be truthful with his brother without making him worry. Fabian was his little brother, he ought to be the one looking after him, asking him if he was alright.

 

“Is it awful, at school?”

Fabian gave a half shrug.

“There are some idiots, but they're so immature, it's pathetic. I really don't care what they say Seb. They don't know you like we do.”

Sebastian gave his brother a squeeze. He'd grown up such a lot. He'd had to.

“Make sure you always get to know people properly Fabe, so you know the real person. Don't just judge them on the surface,” warned Sebastian.

Fabian shrugged. “Well these ones are idiots all the way through.”

Seb smiled.

“Ah well, school holidays soon and you won't have to see them,” noted Seb.

“And I'll come to stay with you and Mark.”

“Exactly. Have a think if there's anything you fancy doing while you're with us or we'll just end up walking the dogs.”

Fabian smiled. “Fine by me.”

 

Mark appeared in the doorway and Seb let his brother go.

“We all set?”

Seb nodded and got up.

 

 

They parted in a round of hugs and reminders that they would be seeing each other in a few days.

As they pulled away in the taxi, Seb slid back under Mark's arm wishing that he could magic them home without all the fuss of airports. He just wanted to be home. He always wanted to be home.

 

“You know that's the first time your father's hugged me?” pointed out Mark.

Seb turned to him and frowned.

“He must have before.”

Mark gently shook his head.

“No. He's always either shaken my hand or just sort of patted me on the arm.”

“Oh, well.”

“The rest of them did. I'm not saying he was weird with me. I'm just... I'm just saying it was nice, that's all. Your family are very good Seb. They want to do whatever they can. They'll all be at the race supporting you.”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah. I don't want to think about the race just yet.”

“No alright. We'll get home, close the door and forget about the world for as long as we can. How does that sound?”

Seb rested his head on Mark's shoulder.

“That sounds perfect,” sighed Sebastian, adding in a quiet voice; “Thank you, mein Fels.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If my German is wrong, please just correct it in your head and forgive me. I only did one year of it at school where we were taught to talk about our pets and ask where the post office is. It was not the most useful information...


	57. Waves

 

 

 

Once home Sebastian and Mark spent their time as quietly as possible. They didn't speak too much about what had happened, but they didn't need to. It felt as though they had said all there was to say and Seb was sick of talking.

Sebastian had missed calls from Jenson and Jess as well as a text from Lewis. He was grateful but didn't feel up to speaking to anyone, so Mark was the one to reply to thank them and explain that Seb wasn't ready to talk just yet.

 

On Sunday morning they finally ventured back out to take the dogs for a walk. Seb had almost resisted the idea, but he didn't want to say no when he knew Mark didn't like being trapped indoors, particularly when the weather was still so nice. Once he got some air in his lungs Sebastian had to admit that he was glad he had come, and when they sat on the bench on the top of the hill Seb sat with Mark feeling considerably better for getting a little exercise, physically if not in his thoughts. As they walked back down to the house for lunch Seb found himself finally looking forward to meal for the first time in days. The dogs were off the leads so Mark slipped his arm around Seb's waist as they made their way down the path and they walked along comfortably pressed into one another.

 

“Do you think it would be rude just to text Christian to ask about my family coming to the race?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark shook his head. “No I don't think so. Probably better actually, even Christian must have a day off every now and again.”

Seb agreed. He didn't think his boss was very good at taking time off. His mind always seemed to be at work.

 

 

 

They spent the afternoon watching the Wimbledon final on television. Mark had been reluctant to suggest it seeing as they had been watching the tennis when all the upset had occurred, but it was Seb that put it on, saying he wanted to see it, and as it turned out the intensity of the match was a good way of losing themselves for a few hours, even if they didn't care particularly either way about the result.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning they got up at their standard early hour and were going to go for a run. Routine was good and Mark was glad they were going as he had been starting to worry whether Sebastian would be in shape for the race when he seemed so tired.

Sebastian was upstairs about to get changed ready to go while Mark tidied away things in the kitchen when there was a knock on the door.

Mark went through into the hall expecting that it must be the postman with something to sign for, but when he opened the door Christian was stood on the doorstep. One look at his face and Mark's heart sank.

 

“Christian. What is it?” asked Mark.

Christian sighed. “Mark, I'm sorry...”

Mark raised his hands up and pressed them into his temples, trying to keep calm. He stepped out of the house, pulling the door to behind him.

“What's happened?”

“We should talk with Seb.”

“Christian please,” pressed Mark.

He didn't want any repeat of what had happened a few days ago. Mark didn't think Sebastian could take another shock.

 

“More in the papers I'm afraid. More than just the rehashes over the weekend. We should go in,” insisted Christian.

For all that he knew Mark cared, this was about Sebastian and Christian thought it was only right that he should tell him directly.

 

They stepped back indoors and Mark was about to go up to fetch Sebastian and forewarn him when Seb appeared on the stairs.

“Christian? What are you...”

The words died on Sebastian's lips. There was no way that his boss was here at this time for anything good. He started down the stairs as steadily as he could, Mark meeting Seb half-way and walking with him into the lounge to sit down.

Christian sat down in the chair to the side, Mark and Seb together on the sofa, their hands linked. It struck Christian that this was exactly as they had been sat all that time ago when he had been called to the house by Mark to learn what had been going on with Sebastian and Heikki. His job had many rewards, but there were times it was truly shit. No other word for it.

 

“Seb, ahh I'm so sorry, we did everything we could...”

“Heikki,” let out Sebastian in a shaky voice.

It was his worst fear and always the first thing he thought of.

“No,” reassured Christian as calmly as he could. “No not him. So far we seem to be keeping a lid on that. We reissued the legal warnings and I've had a very discreet word in the right place to make sure he finds himself aware that his career would suffer if he chooses to make trouble.”

Sebastian sat a little further back and let out the breath he had been holding in.

“No I'm afraid there is more out there based on the paperwork that exists around the restraining order. The original article is in the Italian press. The injunction seems to have worked to stop anything here and in Germany, but either they don't care or they've decided to risk it and of course it's incredibly difficult to stop things spreading online...”

“What things?” questioned Mark, getting annoyed at Christian's vagueness.

“The follow-up legal warnings sent when Heikki broke the restraining order and came to your house and when he was at races.”

Christian saw the way Sebastian tensed up at Heikki's name and reminded himself to avoid saying it.

“The stalking basically. They even have the CCTV pictures from the track as I'm afraid they were included as substantiating evidence as well as the police report.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and Mark let go of his hand to put his arm around him.

“Unfortunately we can't deny any of it because...”

“Because it's true,” breathed Seb, looking back.

Mark turned in to look at him, watching very carefully to see how he was reacting. So far Seb was holding up. He didn't look good, but he was breathing fairly normally.

“Okay.”

Mark glanced back at Christian but his words were designed to reassure Sebastian.

“So it's more, but it's really just an extension of what was in before, right? I mean that he was trouble and had to be kept away.”

He looked carefully at Seb.

“I know it's bad, I know you don't want any of this out there, but...”

 

Sebastian nodded his head slightly. It meant everyone would know there was more to the story with Heikki. He knew they were never going to get away with pretending that Heikki had merely been unhappy he had been sacked, not when the gossip had given weight by being presented alongside the legal documents, but Seb had wondered if they might be able to say that it had been over and done with once the restraining order was sent. A part of him had been expecting this though. He knew that the media would investigate further and if they had found one document there was every reason to suspect that they would find more.

“So they have the documents?” checked Sebastian.

“Yes. Apparently. Britta and the team are looking into it now, but we suspect it's a part of the same thing and the paper was waiting to reveal more to string the story out...”

 

 _The leeches making as money as possible,_ thought Mark angrily.

 

“...but since the injunction they couldn't print it over here so they sold it on to be used elsewhere.”

Seb nodded. It was just another callous intrusion into his life and everything he had been through. How could he be surprised? The only positive he could think of was that he had told his family about the stalking. At least he wouldn't have to go through revealing more of what had happened to them.

 

“Okay, well...”

Mark took a breath and gave Sebastian a reassuring squeeze. It was bad, but Seb was handling it. He wanted to finish things up with Christian and get him to leave so he could have a proper talk with Seb and make sure he was really alright.

 

Christian looked at the pair of them sat so tightly together. He had long ago stopped thinking this was in any way strange. Thank heavens Sebastian had Mark to help him through this and Seb's family would all be at the next race to support him. Seb was going to need their support. Christian was building himself up to tell them the next part. He didn't want to do it. His job really was shit sometimes.

“I'm afraid that isn't all of it.”

He looked at the two of them and Christian forced himself to continue as they returned his attention.

“Sebi I'm so sorry, but somehow it's got out that you have been seeing a therapist...”

“No!”

Seb doubled forwards as if he had been punched in the stomach.

“No, no, no,” he couldn't help it coming out as wail.

 

Sebastian kept his head dipped forwards and his eyes closed. How could they know this? What would people think of him now? They would know what a mess he was, how he had fallen apart, how Heikki had done that to him.

“... this is in the British press I'm afraid. It wasn't a part of the injunction so they were able to print it. I've no idea how they found out.”

But neither Seb nor Mark were listening. Mark was rubbing Sebastian's back as he stayed bent forwards.

“It's okay, you're alright. Come on, let's get some air.”

 

 

 

 

Mark helped him up and took Sebastian through the kitchen and outside where there were a couple of sun-chairs Mark had dug out of the garage last week. He sat Seb down and pulled the other chair around so that he was facing Sebastian whilst staying close so he could keep a hold of him. He rubbed Seb's arm and kept eye-contact with him while Seb tried to keep his breathing under control.

Sebastian wanted to close his eyes and shut it all out, but Mark kept telling him not to, so he concentrated on looking at him to steady himself and keep his breathing slow.

 

After a couple of minutes Mark took a hold of both of Seb's hands, relieved that they seemed to have staved off an attack. He was trying to think of something reassuring to say but it was impossible to think of any positive outcome of people knowing that Seb had been forced to seek psychological help.

“It's going to be okay, it'll be okay.”

Mark felt as though he was lying to Seb.

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out as slowly as possible.

“Everyone's going to know now.”

Mark tried to think of something to say, but it was true.

“They're going to know what a mess I am.”

Seb sounded crushed.

“You're not a mess Seb...”

“They'll think I'm some screwed-up nut job,” insisted Seb.

Mark squeezed Sebastian's hands in his.

“No. You just needed help. Anyone would with what you've been through.”

“I don't want them knowing that either.”

“I know, I know, but...” Mark sighed. “Anyone with intelligence is going to understand that you, well you've been through a bad time and...”

“...and I've gone crazy.”

“No Seb.”

“They'll all be thinking I've lost my mind,” moaned Sebastian.

“No.”

“They will,” insisted Sebastian.

 

Mark sighed not knowing how to counter Seb. He was right, people would be passing judgement on him and plenty of people would not be as empathetic as they ought to be. Failing at finding anything to say, Mark merely rubbed his thumbs over the back of Seb's hands.

“And the papers are going to keep digging. They just keep on and on and it never stops.”

Mark had no idea what to say to make things better when he suspected Seb was correct. He didn't want to contradict him when that meant giving Seb false hope. The media seemed to have no limits and no conscience.

“Why won't they leave me alone? I've not done anything to hurt anyone. Why do they keep doing this?”

“I don't know. I don't know sweetheart, I'm sorry. You've done nothing. It isn't fair. I wish I could do something to stop them. I wish I could Seb. I'm sorry.”

 

Mark felt so useless. He was supposed to protect Sebastian, but there was nothing he could do. He just had to keep watching Seb get hurt, over and over again, unable to do anything to prevent it.

“How do they even know?” wondered Seb quietly.

“Hmm?”

“That I'm seeing a therapist. It's not in the documents,” pointed out Seb.

“Oh. No I don't know.”

“You don't think Henry would have told someone?”

Mark shook his head.

“No. He'd never do that. Henry wouldn't even talk to me Seb. He'd never speak to the press or anyone else about you.”

Mark offered a small smile.

“You know we've not always seen eye to eye, me and him, but I know he would never break confidentiality. He wouldn't do that Seb, I'm sure.”

Seb looked at Mark and nodded, Mark had fallen out with Dr. Menton before, he wouldn't defend him if he had the slightest doubt. Henry wouldn't do that to him, he must know it would destroy Seb to break his trust.

“No, okay, I don't think he would either,” concurred Sebastian.

That had to be true, thought Sebastian, because if he chose to, Henry could tell the press a thousand terrible things that he had confessed to him and his life would be over.

 

 

 

 

Christian sat abandoned in the lounge wondering what he ought to do. He hadn't been surprised to see Seb react badly. Now this on top of everything else? Trust the media to kick a man when he was down. It was viciously unkind, but the press thought nothing of kindness, they thought of increased levels of interest in a story and an opportunity to feed that interest. Christian couldn't help wondering if they had been sitting on this information waiting for the right moment to reveal it. The right moment for them, the very worst moment for poor Seb.

He didn't need telling to know that he wasn't wanted outside. No one welcomed the bearer of bad news and Sebastian must feel so exposed now. His boss coming to spectate on his distress was the last thing Seb would want. On the other hand Christian didn't think he ought to leave. So he was left sitting in the lounge on his own. He could really do with a coffee seeing as he had been up half the night and had been in work from six am talking with the legal team and Britta, but he hardly expected the usual courtesies offered to a visitor in the circumstances.

Christian had decided to wait until a more reasonable hour before telling Seb the bad news, thinking that no good came from depriving him of sleep and thus leaving Sebastian in an even worse position to deal with it. He'd thought it best to come and deliver this in person rather than over the phone seeing as that had gone so badly last time. It was a terrible thought that he was getting more experienced at learning how to handle this. Christian didn't want any more of experience in this field.

 

It was impossible not to wish that this wasn't a part of his job, that he didn't have a driver who had these problems. It wasn't Seb's fault. Christian never blamed him personally for it, but it would be inhuman not to wish that things weren't the way they were.

It almost made Christian hark back to what now seemed a simpler time when his biggest concern was driver rivalries and squabbles over what had taken place on track. It was odd to think that still involved Seb and Mark. They were almost entirely different people in his mind now. But then of course the times he had thought were simpler and happier had been false. Sebastian had been suffering under Heikki's thumb and Christian had been blind to it all.

 

 

 

After fifteen minutes Christian finally stirred himself and risked going through to look where Seb and Mark had got to.

 

Once outside Christian found himself looking to Mark for an indication that it was appropriate for him to approach.

“Umm, I'm going to push off if that's alright? I really need to get back to work,” excused Christian.

Mark nodded in reply. He'd almost forgotten that Christian was there.

“We can speak later if you like, or not...”

Christian stood awkwardly a few feet away, trying not to let on how worrying he found Sebastian's deathly pale pallor.

“Unless there's anything you want to ask me?”

“How did they find this out?” asked Mark.

Christian opened out his hands.

“We don't know. It is possible, though I should think highly unlikely, that Dr. Menton spoke out...”

“No,” interrupted Mark. “We don't believe he would do that.”

“No, well, neither do I really,” agreed Christian. “I suspect someone must have seen you, leaving or arriving at his office and it wouldn't be too hard to join the dots.”

 

Sebastian finally looked at him.

“Following me?”

He sounded appalled.

“Ah I don't know Sebi, it could be someone from the paper, or it could be someone in the area nearby that happened to recognise you and contacted them. I don't suppose we'll ever know.”

“Okay,” agreed Mark heavily. He really just wanted Christian gone so they could be on their own to cope with this.

“Is there anything else we need to know?”

“Not really. Just that most of the conclusions that are being drawn, erroneously of course, are that it was Heikki breaking the restraining order that drove you to see a psychiatrist in the first place. They're not tracking it back as far as last January, so they obviously don't have all the facts.”

 

Mark shook his head in disgust.

“So they've been following Seb to write a story about how someone following him left him needing therapy? What a fucking joke.”

It wasn't a joke of course. It was sickeningly hypocritical.

“Yeah, well I'm sorry,” apologised Christian.

“It's not your fault,” allowed Sebastian quietly.

“No. Well... I'm still sorry. Okay, I think it's best if I go. Britta or I will be in touch.”

 

Mark stood up to show him out, but Christian shook his head.

“I can find my way thank you. Oh, I meant to say Seb everything's sorted out for your family at the weekend.”

Seb nodded thanks and Christian made his awkward goodbye and left them to it.

 

 

 

 

 

“Do you want to go inside or...?”

Sebastian shrugged which Mark took as a yes, so he took them in, but before they reached the lounge Seb changed his mind.

“I need to go to the bathroom.”

Mark looked at him with concern.

“Do you feel sick?”

“I just need to go to the bathroom,” repeated Seb dully.

“Okay.”

Mark let him go and resisted the urge to help Sebastian up the stairs. He hovered in the hallway for a few minutes before going through to the kitchen to make some tea. He stirred in sugar thinking Seb would be getting far too used to this taste, when the thought reminded him of what Sebastian was going through and Mark realised that he shouldn't have left him on his own this long and rushed upstairs taking the steps three at a time.

 

 

 

The bathroom door wasn't properly shut, but Mark knocked anyway.

“Seb?”

“Are you alright?”

Mark had no restraint left so he pushed open the door to see Sebastian hunkered down on the floor in the corner, his arms pulling his knees up and his head buried down in them.

He looked so fucking _small_.

 

“Oh _Seb,_ ” sighed Mark.

He knelt down by Sebastian.

“Are you okay?”

It felt like such a stupid question to ask. Of course Seb wasn't okay.

Mark tipped his head to the side trying to see for himself how Sebastian was, but he couldn't see his face.

“Can you look at me for a moment sweetheart please? Just for a moment?” pleaded Mark.

 

Sebastian slowly lifted his head. It looked as though it cost him a great effort, but Mark was reassured to see he was merely pale and unhappy looking rather than actually ill.

Seb looked at him sadly and spoke so quietly that Mark had to lean in closer to hear him.

“I can't even cry. I'm too tired. I'm so damn tired. I can't do this any more.”

Mark was perilously close to crying for him, but who would Seb lean on if he fell apart?

He shifted to sit down properly and sat on the floor next to Seb, facing him so he could wrap his arms around him.

 

Sebastian dropped his forehead on Mark's shoulder and closed his eyes. He felt completely empty. He had nothing left, no energy to cry, no ability to think. It felt as though the media were rabid dogs who had ripped his insides out and were sharing out all of the mess inside of him with the world. Now he was left with nothing.

 

 

 

After a long while Mark got up and fetched Seb some water. He knelt down and passed it to him.

“What do you want to do?”

“Hm?”

Seb's looked blankly at him.

“Do you want to call your parents?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian faced crumpled at the thought he had to tell them something else he had kept from his family. He covered his face with a hand and shook his head fractionally. Mark took the water back to set it on the floor and gave Seb's shoulder a rub.

“No okay. Do you want me to call them?”

Seb let his hand drop and answered heavily.

“No, Fabian will be at school now anyway.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, later then.”

Maybe it would be better if Seb had a bit of time to recover himself first.

 

“Do you want to go downstairs and have a cup of tea?” tried Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“Or take the dogs out. Get some air?”

Another shake of the head.

Mark rubbed his face. He didn't know what to suggest. Sebastian seemed so defeated.

“I don't want to do anything.”

Sebastian felt completely drained, it was as if he had slipped back to the level of exhaustion he suffered after a panic attack, without even the energy to have the attack in the first place. Seb felt numb. He knew it should hurt, but he couldn't even feel that. It was like those times when Heikki had hit him over and over in the same spot until he barely felt it any more.

 

“Maybe you should lie down for a bit?” suggested Mark.

Seb nodded and let himself be helped up and taken through to the bedroom. His limbs didn't seem to be his own and Mark had to take most of his weight to get him there. All Sebastian could do was sit limply on the edge of the bed as Mark dipped down and removed his shoes before pulling back the duvet and letting Seb crawl in.

Mark sat on the bed and leaned over him.

“Do you want me to stay?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark obliged, pulling off his own shoes to climb in fully dressed, letting Seb lie against him with his head pressed into his shoulder. Seb took a hold of the duvet and pulled the covers to entirely cover him. He needed everything to go away. _Everything_ , the entire world, everything except Mark.

 

Mark bent his head to lie against Sebastian's, then raised the duvet so that it covered him as well. It was too warm for this, but if Seb needed to bury himself away that was what he needed.

“I'm so tired of it all,” whispered Sebastian.

He sounded shattered and Mark felt terrible, he didn't know what to do other than hold on to Seb.

“Don't go will you? Don't let me go,” pleaded Sebastian.

“I won't let you go. I'll never let you go. It's alright,” Mark assured.

He squeezed Sebastian tight and Seb sent his arm around Mark's body to cling on to him. Sebastian closed his eyes and shut out all but this. He couldn't take any more. He was tired, so tired of it all.

He fell asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark woke a few hours later feeling overheated and confused as to why the duvet was over his face. He folded it down and revealed Sebastian lying half across him, his hand now grasping hold of a fistful of Mark's t-shirt as if desperate to stop him getting away.

The room was brightly lit, as they hadn't taken the time to pull the curtains, and it reminded Mark that it must be the middle of the day. It was strange to be in bed at this time. Mark had rarely been one for long lie-ins, preferring to get up and be active. The sun was shining through the window and it was uncomfortably hot to be lying dressed under a duvet with Seb's warm body wrapped around him.

Mark pulled the duvet down a little lower, but not off. Seb was fast asleep. Being awake was clearly too distressing for Sebastian right now. Hurt on top of hurt on top of hurt. The brutality of the media intrusion was relentless and there was still so much pain and fear lurking behind what was published. No wonder Seb couldn't deal with it.

 

Mark wondered whether Sebastian was as healed as had he hoped he was. Perhaps the wound was too deep to really heal. Maybe it had just scabbed over enough to let Seb get by and now the media kept picking at that scab, over and over until it wouldn't stop bleeding. If they kept this up Mark was afraid Seb would bleed out. He seemed so depleted.

Best to let him sleep. It didn't matter if Mark was too warm, that wasn't what was important. He raised a hand and stroked Seb's hair. Sebastian unconsciously snuffled against him so Mark stilled his hand and just left it resting there holding him in. Best to let him sleep.

 

 

 

 

Despite the warmth, or perhaps because of it, Mark suspected he drifted in and out a little before Seb finally stirred against him.

“Hey,” greeted Mark softly.

“Hmm?”

“Nothing. Are you okay?”

Sebastian shifted up to see Mark, his face confused for a moment before he woke properly and it fell.

He remembered. Mark saw it played out on Seb's face; the realisation and the renewed pain.

Sebastian closed his eyes again, but he was too awake now, he couldn't go back to sleep. He was too warm as well. Seb hauled himself up and threw the duvet back, Mark sitting up to copy him.

“Are you alright?” checked Mark.

Sebastian looked back at him and shrugged slightly. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and reached for a drink of water.

“Do you want to talk?” wondered Mark.

He was trying to read Seb's face to see how he was doing, but it was expressionless.

Sebastian didn't speak. He just shook his head. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to remember. He wanted to pretend that none of this was happening.

 

Mark sighed and rubbed Seb's arm feeling at a loss as to what to do.

 

“What time is it?” asked Sebastian quietly.

Mark checked his watch.

“Half one.”

Sebastian looked slightly amazed. He'd been asleep for hours. Seb leaned forward slightly as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“I should call my family.”

He didn't sound enthusiastic about it.

“Yeah, okay.”

They headed downstairs and Mark went into the kitchen to get them more water to drink. He had offered to make some lunch but Sebastian had lost all appetite again. Mark poured away the stone-cold mugs of tea they had never drunk and headed back through.

 

 

 

Sebastian was looking at his phone.

“I've got half a dozen missed calls from Henry,” he reported.

“Right. Yeah, no surprise I guess.”

“No. There's a text as well.”

“Saying?”

“Asking me to call him if I can. Saying he hopes I know he'd would never have spoken to anyone.”

“No, well...”

Mark puffed a breath as he sat down. Henry must be pretty anxious to make his innocence clear.

“Are you going to call him?”

Sebastian shrugged. He knew he probably should, but he didn't really want to talk to his therapist when it reminded him how everyone would be judging him for going to see Dr. Menton.

“My brother will be home now. I should call my family.”

Mark nodded.

“Do you want some space?” he offered.

“Just, stay will you?” requested Sebastian.

“Sure,” Mark agreed.

 

Sebastian returned to staring at his phone.

He had to do it again; He had to call his family and tell them about something in the paper that he had been keeping from them. He had to reveal to them that he was such a mess he had been in therapy for a year and a half. He had to hurt them again and worry them _again_.

Seb sat forward and dropped his face into his hands, rubbing it back and forth. Mark put his hand on his arm wondering what he could say to help.

“Do you want me to speak to them?” Mark offered.

Seb sat back up and shook his head.

“No. I have to do it. It's my own fault. I should have told them this when I was there.”

“It's not your fault Seb. Don't say that. You already had so much to talk about.”

 

Sebastian sighed heavily. He pressed the necessary buttons and waited on the last one required to dial, trying to persuade himself to be brave. Hesitating, he turned to Mark by his side.

“What do I say?”

Mark shrugged.

“Just be honest Seb. Just tell them you needed some help. It's not a crime to get help. Your parents just want you to be okay.”

Sebastian nodded. He was staring at the 'call' button. At this rate he was going to stare at it all day. He hit the button and slid his spare hand into Mark's who gave it a squeeze.

 

 

“Mum? Hey, umm are people about? I need to talk to you...”

Sebastian voice sounded as if it was weighed down. He felt as if there was too much gravity in the room, pulling every part of him towards the ground. It wasn't blood in his veins, it was lead.

Tell them, tell them again, something else, something horrible, something wrong, something shameful, something that would confuse them and hurt them and hurt him. He couldn't keep doing this.

 

Seb let out a shaky breath while his mother fetched his father and brother. He had to do it again.

 

Sebastian heard his mother gathering them into the room and Fabian asking if he should put the phone on speaker again, his mother agreeing and then several beeps as his brother set it up.

“Okay Seb we're here,” informed his father. “How are you doing? Is everything okay?”

Sebastian closed his eyes trying to keep it together. Nothing was okay.

“There's more... in the papers again,” explained Seb heavily.

His mother sighed, wondering why the media seemed so intent on picking on their son.

“More about the thing from the other day?” asked Norbert, attempting to skirt around the subject when they knew how much it upset Sebastian.

“Yeah. About what I told you, about him following me and stuff.”

“Right. Oh how horrible. Oh pet I wish they'd leave you alone,” consoled his mother.

“Are you alright Seb?” enquired his brother.

 

Sebastian let out a long silent sigh. He wasn't alright. He wasn't alright at all, but what good did it do to make his family worry about him.

He shrugged automatically despite the fact they couldn't see him.

“I guess I knew they weren't going to leave it there, so... yeah... I suppose I part of me was expecting it.”

Heike looked at her husband. Of course Seb wasn't alright with having all that in the papers when the whole matter was so upsetting to him.

“But you're okay?” pressed Fabian anxiously.

“Yeah I'm okay,” tried Sebastian, sounding nothing of the kind. It was a lie, but any other response seemed impossible to give.

 

“It's... it's not that really, it's...”

Sebastian took a deep breath. He had to tell them. Mark squeezed his hand again and Seb tried to draw strength from it.

“There's something else... in the papers... about me...”

Every word felt as though it was being dragged from him.

“They've found out I've been going to see a therapist.”

There was a silence on the other end and Seb nervously awaited their response, any response.

“A therapist?” echoed his mother.

“Yeah, a psychiatrist, whatever you call it,” confirmed Sebastian quietly.

He felt even worse knowing his parents would now know that he had told someone else what had been going on when he had been keeping everything from them.

 

“Since all this... business with, well what you were telling us?” asked his father uncomfortably.

“Yeah.”

“I see...”

There was another pause and Sebastian stared down and Mark's hand holding his.

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I should have said when I was with you, but...”

“No,” interrupted Norbert.

They could hear Seb working himself up again. It wouldn't do.

“No Seb don't apologise. It's alright. Things obviously got very unpleasant last year, so... well if that's what you needed, then that's what you needed. It's no one's place to judge. Particularly not the papers.”

“Okay, I, I just feel bad, I should have told you.”

Norbert sighed. The media were giving Sebastian no choice as to what he kept private.

“You don't need to Seb, alright?” insisted Norbert.

“I don't know how they found out,” commented Seb. “I haven't read it, but the press will be saying all sorts of thing about me now and...”

“We don't care what the papers say,” interjected his mother.

“No of course not,” agreed his father. “We're not going to look and neither should you Seb.”

“No, okay, I just... they'll be drawing all kinds of conclusions, saying there's something wrong with me...”

Seb knew he shouldn't be admitting his much to his family when it might upset them, but he couldn't help it.

“Nonsense. There's nothing wrong with you,” stated Seb's mother firmly.

“Of course not. The press will say anything. We know well enough what rubbish they spout,” added his father.

Seb nodded.

“Okay.”

His parents looked at one another. Seb plainly _wasn't_ okay.

 

“Is Mark there dear?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, he's here,” confirmed Seb, glancing at Mark by his side.

His mother looked back at her husband who gave a tip of the head indicating that it sounded like that was a good job. Their son sounded awful. Yet again the press were making his life a misery. There was no let up.

“I could put it on speaker?” suggested Seb, wondering if they wanted to talk to Mark too.

“If you want to,” agreed his mother.

Sebastian looked at Mark checking that it was okay and getting a nod, let go of Mark's hand to put the phone on speaker, leaving it on the coffee table.

 

“Hello Mark,” greeted Seb's mother, followed by a chorus from the others.

“Hey,” replied Mark neutrally.

“Are you alright?” checked Heike.

“Me? Yeah I'm fine. Thank you.”

Mark wasn't sure he was really okay at all, but Sebastian's parents had more than enough to worry about.

Norbert spoke up.

“Mark will you tell Seb we don't care what the papers or anyone else says?” requested Seb's father. “Because he doesn't seem to be accepting it from us.”

 

Mark raised an eyebrow at Sebastian. His father didn't sound annoyed, just slightly frustrated that he couldn't persuade his son of that fact.

“I'm sure he knows that,” stated Mark.

“I just feel bad. I should have said,” repeated Seb.

“It's not important Seb pet, it doesn't matter. So you needed someone to talk to. You've been having a horrible time sweetheart. If it helped you that's all we care about, isn't it Norbert?”

“Of course,” confirmed his father.

Seb swallowed. His parents were being so good.

“I'm really sorry I didn't say. I'm sorry about everything.”

He was in danger of losing control and Mark's arm was back around Sebastian.

 

Back in Germany his mother was shaking her head, hating hearing how upset Seb plainly was again.

“Seb you don't need to apologise,” insisted his father. “Stop worrying about us. We're alright. We only care that _you're_ alright. The press have no business publishing this kind of thing. It's no one's concern but yours. Your mother's right. If you needed help it's good that you got it. We're glad that you did, okay?”

“Okay.”

Seb didn't much sound it.

“Mark?” pressed Norbert, hoping for his backing.

“Yes. Of course. That's what I said, isn't it?” Mark looked at Sebastian.

“I just feel bad about it,” let out Sebastian.

“Well stop that, okay?” insisted Norbert. “Stop worrying about everybody else.”

“Just take care of yourself Seb,” pleaded his mother. “Stop letting the media get to you. Just stay away from all of it.”

Sebastian could have pointed out that he hadn't sought it out, it was his boss that had brought this to his door, literally so, but his parents didn't understand how that all worked. He couldn't hide away and ignore everything. If only.

 

Mark was relieved to hear Seb's parents being supportive. Thankfully they seemed to have learnt their lesson from Friday and were doing all they could to prevent Seb from feeling guilty, even if it was doubtless another shock to hear their son had been in such bad shape he had been seeing a psychiatrist. His brother had been very quiet though. That bothered Mark and he knew it would bother Seb, so he risked speaking up.

“Fabe, you alright there? Mark enquired.

“Um, yeah. I'm okay.”

Fabian didn't sound one hundred percent certain.

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this Fabe,” apologised Sebastian.

His mother was about to tell him to stop apologising again, but she stopped herself, thinking that maybe Seb just needed to get this out so he could reconcile his feelings.

“No, that's... No it's okay.”

Fabian paused, wondering if he should ask.

“Seb what did you have to see a therapist for? Was it just about all this stuff you were telling us?”

Both his parents pulled unhappy faces at their youngest son prying, but he shrugged helplessly. Fabian didn't know what he was allowed to say anymore.

 

Seb looked at Mark who shook his head slightly, trying to indicate that he shouldn't be concerned. It was an innocent question from a confused teenage boy who still had no idea of the darkness behind his older brother's need for psychological help.

Sebastian sighed. He couldn't tell them all the terrible things he had needed to talk to Dr. Menton about.

“Yeah that stuff and well, other stuff, just everything really. He helped me feel better about things. I don't go so much any more, maybe once a month or less,” he explained.

“Right, well don't push your brother Fabian. He doesn't have to tell us any of that. Alright Seb? intervened his father.

“Yeah okay.”

Fabian sat back. He obviously wasn't going to learn what it was all about. What was therapy anyway, was it just talking? Maybe if Seb had talked to them he wouldn't have needed therapy?

“Okay, well why don't we let you go Seb?” offered his mother. “You sound tired.”

 

She hoped Mark was looking after him properly. If their son was in such a bad way that he was seeing a psychiatrist things were even worse than they had thought. By the sounds of things they should have made them stay on Saturday. Surely Sebastian would be better at home with his family with all this going on?

“Yeah, alright. I'll try and call Stef and Mel later.”

His father hid a sigh. His son sounded as though he was dreading it.

“No Seb, why don't you let us? Your mother's right, you sound tired. We'll speak to your sisters and you'll see them at the weekend.”

Seb knew he should protest, but was done.

 

“Okay.” Seb tried to pick his voice up a bit. “The passes are all sorted for everyone by the way.”

“Oh good, well there we go, we'll be there from Friday and your sisters will join us on Saturday,” stated Norbert.

They were definitely going all weekend now. His wife wouldn't need any more persuading.

“How's the weather with you?” asked Seb's mother.

Seb frowned at the off-topic question.

“Huh?”

“It's very nice, still sunny,” answered Mark.

“Good. Why don't you go out in it? Get some sunshine and some fresh air and try to stop worrying about everything,” suggested his mother.

“I think that's a very good idea,” encouraged Mark.

“Yeah, okay.”

Seb didn't much feel like it, but whatever.

“We'll see you on Friday. If you want to call in the meantime you know where we are,” signed off Norbert.

“Okay.”

“And stay away from the papers dear,” instructed his mother.

Fat chance they were going to stay away from him, thought Sebastian.

 

 

 

They hung up and Seb let out a long sigh.

“I said they'd be okay,” reminded Mark.

“Yeah, I suppose. I still feel bad about it.”

Mark rubbed his arm, trying to help.

“Come on, they're right; stop worrying, they're okay and you'll see them at the weekend.”

Seb nodded. He still had the phone in his hand.

“I should call Henry,” he said heavily.

“Okay,” allowed Mark.

“I don't want to,” Seb admitted.

Mark sighed.

“Then don't.”

“But he'll be feeling really bad about it. I know it wasn't him.”

Mark shook his head.

“Your parents are right Seb, stop worrying about everybody else.”

Sebastian let out a shaky breath. He couldn't help worrying, his head was spiralling.

 

“I can't help it,” let out Seb.

“ _Seb,”_ breathed Mark in frustration.

He couldn't seem to get through to him. Seb was worn through with worrying; Worrying about the media, worrying about Heikki, worrying about what the world thought of him, worrying about his parents, worrying about his brother, worrying about whether he making as much effort with his sisters, worrying about Henry.

All too much. And the ironic thing was Mark suspected Sebastian would benefit from some therapeutic help right now, but now his therapy was just something else that was a problem for Seb.

 

“Why don't we take your mum's advice and go and get some fresh air?” suggested Mark.

Seb sighed again.

“I don't want to go outside.”

Outside was the world and the world was the problem.

“Maybe you should eat something?” tried Mark.

“I'm not hungry,” dismissed Sebastian.

“Do you want a cup of tea?”

Sebastian shook his head.

Mark puffed a breath.

“Well what do you want?”

Mark tried not to sound annoyed with Seb but he was almost at the end of his tether.

 

“I don't want anything,” said Sebastian in a hollow voice.

“ _Seb.”_

“Tea isn't going to fix this Mark, sunshine, fresh air, food, none of it, nothing makes this any better,” let out Sebastian bitterly.

“Everybody knows now; They know about Heikki, they know I'm such screwed-up mess I'm in therapy, my family know I've been hiding it all from them.”

“Seb...”

“No. Because that's not even the worst of it. The worst of it they don't even know yet, but they will, the media will keep digging and _digging_ and they won't leave me alone and they'll find Heikki and they'll find out what happened and I can't stop it, nobody can stop it. They just go on and on, tearing bits off me until there's nothing left.”

 

Sebastian took in a shuddery breath and finally lost it as he had been threatening to all day. He bent forward, crying.

“I'm drowning Mark, I'm drowning, the waves keep on coming and I can't keep my head up any more, I'm so tired I'm slipping under, I can't, I can't _breathe_...”

He started sobbing and shaking, his breath coming in convulsive gulps.

Mark wanted to cry too, he didn't know how to counter any of what Seb said, he didn't know what to do to help. He couldn't stop any of this.

He rubbed Seb's back and got him to calm his breathing down, but it took far longer to get him to stop crying. Seb was too strung out to do anything other than stay slumped forwards taking in dry little sobs.

 

“You're okay Seb, you're okay,” reassured Mark.

Sebastian sniffed and forced himself up to look at him.

“I'm not okay.”

Mark sagged a little, feeling as though he was getting all this wrong. Nothing seemed to be working today. It was as if Sebastian was just too far gone for anything to reach him, not even Mark.

He didn't know what to say, so Mark just pulled Seb in and hugged him close. It was all he had left.

 

 

 

Mark remained silent a while before speaking, not sure if he was doing any good.

“I won't let you drown mate okay?”

Sebastian shifted his head on Mark's shoulder to look at him. His eyes were all puffy and he looked a mess. Mark lifted a hand and stroked a finger down Seb's nose, not knowing what made him do it, except to get his attention.

“I'll be what you said, okay, I'll be your rock. You can hold on to me, I won't let you drown.”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian quietly.

He still felt shaky, but if Mark held onto him he might be alright. Seb lifted his arms up to slide them around Mark's neck to let him feel as though he was being held up. Seb felt battered and bruised, as if the media were the surging waves tossing him about. He had to hold on to Mark to keep his head above the water. Mark wouldn't let him slip below. He would have drowned long ago without Mark.

“Just hold on,” soothed Mark. “I won't let you go.”

He didn't know what else to say so Mark persevered with the one thing that was working; He held onto Seb and didn't let go, just as he had promised. Sebastian clung around his neck as Mark sat them back a bit on the couch, accepting that they weren't going anywhere. Seb closed his eyes and let himself feel safe with Mark and hung on.

 

 

 

 

It was a long time before Sebastian finally managed to find the energy and courage to let go of Mark. He sat up feeling thirsty and only then noticed that the dogs had silently positioned themselves back on the floor near the sofa.

Seb loved the dogs. They were so unquestioningly loyal and loving. All they asked in return for a lifetime's devotion was feeding, walks and a little affection, the exchange seemed pitifully uneven.

Seeing the pair stir, the dogs came over and both Mark and Seb took some comfort in giving them a stroke.

“They probably need feeding,” considered Mark.

He felt as if he was asking permission to leave Sebastian's side for a moment, but Seb just nodded and followed him through to the kitchen, turning one of the chairs from the table to sit and watch as Mark gave them fresh food and water and the dogs wolfed it down. Seb couldn't help feeling guilty that they had been neglecting them.

He looked at the clock on the microwave: 3.23pm

Today had simply disappeared.

 

Mark went to fetch them some bottles of water from the fridge and sat by Sebastian at the table.

“Maybe we should take them for a walk?” ventured Seb.

Mark looked a little surprised, but he wasn't about to oppose Sebastian volunteering to do anything other than shut down altogether.

“Yeah okay, good idea. Do you want something to eat first?”

Seb scrunched his nose and shook his head a fraction.

“Okay.”

No point pushing it, even if Mark was worrying about how the strain was physically affecting Seb. He was hungry himself but it seemed wrong to eat if Sebastian wasn't, so he would forgo it now and hope a little exercise might encourage Seb to attempt something later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once the dogs were ready they took them out along their usual route. Mark kept a hold of Sebastian's hand and they walked far more slowly than they usually did. As they turned from the lane onto the footpaths and Mark released the dogs from their leads, and they walked even more slowly up the hill, Seb either too exhausted to speed up, or perhaps making the most of the one good part of his day.

They continued steadily on, the dogs excitedly running away and returning to them over and over with undiminished cheerfulness despite Seb and Mark's failure to follow them as energetically as usual. An odd thought strayed into Mark's mind that this would be how they were when they were old; he and Sebastian holding onto one another and sedately plodding along with no reason to hurry. Mark didn't want to think about the fact that they would have to be different dogs they would be walking all those years from now.

When they reached the top Seb was glad of a sit down on the bench and for the fact that Mark hadn't tried to make him speak too much. The sun was still bright but the breeze was stronger up here making conditions more pleasant. Seb closed his eyes and felt that gentle warmth on his face and it felt like a kindness from nature soothing his skin.

 

The dogs returned, fussing for sticks to be thrown. Seb usually enjoyed this; the dogs unfailing enthusiasm for the game and their pride when they succeeded, always made him laugh, but today Mark threw sticks for both Simba and Shadow, rather than them each taking one as they usually did. The dogs kept returning sticks to Sebastian, trying to encourage him to join in, but he merely gave them a stroke and passed the stick back to Mark to re-throw it.

Mark was doing his usual trick of talking to the dogs as if they were human.

“Seb's not playing today boys, just me. Give it here Simba,” he instructed, taking the chewed stick back and hurling it into the distance once more.

 

The countryside from up here looked calm and unthreatening. This place, this view, this company. It was just about Seb's favourite in the world.

Mark rubbed his thumb over Sebastian's hand, having never let released it.

“Okay?” he checked.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, can we stay here a bit?”

“Sure, course we can,” consented Mark, relieved that Sebastian seemed a little better, if still subdued.

He finally let go of Seb's hand and moved his arm to rest over Seb's shoulder so he could rest against him as he always did. They sat on the bench until the sun gradually lost its warmth and they roused themselves to head home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once back, Mark decided to make dinner whether Seb was interested in it or not. It was early really, but he was hungry and Mark thought that perhaps if he just put something in front of Sebastian he might eat a little. While Mark cooked, Seb sat at the table giving his attention to the dogs who crowded around his legs. Neither Mark nor Seb could think of much to say so they lapsed into renewed silence.

Mark wondered if he was doing the right thing. Seb obviously didn't want to talk and there was no point forcing him, especially when Mark had no resolutions to Seb's problems. He tried to reconcile himself with the idea that Sebastian would talk when the time was right for him. Until then Mark would just be there and not pressure him. Seb had more than enough pressure in his life.

 

 

 

 

After clearing away dinner, Mark asked if maybe Seb wanted to watch a film. He thought they could pick something untaxing and if they watched that together then the silence wouldn't weigh so heavily.

Sebastian nodded agreement. Something to take his mind off their current situation was appealing right now. They went through to the lounge, trailed by the dogs, but on seeing his phone on the coffee table Seb was reminded that he had failed to respond to his therapist's anxious messages.

“I should at least text Henry,” suggested Seb.

Mark was about to say that Seb shouldn't worry about it, but he stopped himself. It really wasn't fair on Seb's therapist to leave him thinking they might be unfairly blaming him.

 

Mark busied himself with looking through what films they had, trying to think of something appropriate to put on while Sebastian sent a text.

He turned around to face Seb.

“What do you fancy?”

Sebastian looked up from his phone.

“Hmm? Oh, I don't know.”

 

Seb returned his attention to his phone. He was hoping that Henry would reply so he knew he'd read his message. All Sebastian had said was that they knew it wasn't him that had leaked the information, and apologised for the delay in replying.

Moments later the phone beeped and Sebastian read the reply thanking him and saying that Dr. Menton hoped that he was doing okay and if he wanted to talk, Seb could call him if he preferred not to go to the office.

 

Mark wondered whether he should ask, but he did anyway.

“Was that Henry?” he inquired.

Sebastian nodded.

“He says I can call him if I want to.”

“Right, well only if you want to Seb, don't just do it to make him feel better, alright?”

“Yeah, not tonight at any rate,” agreed Sebastian.

“Good.”

 

Mark was relieved. He knew Dr. Menton meant well, but all too often Seb's therapist ended up getting Sebastian upset by making him go over things and that was the last thing he needed.

“Okay then,” carried on Mark. “Any thoughts on what you'd like to watch?”

Seb shrugged and Mark turned back to cast his eye over the titles.

“One of yours?” suggested Mark.

Most of Sebastian's DVDs had migrated to Mark's as time had gone by.

“A comedy, or something?” Mark tried.

Maybe he should just pick something, he still wasn't getting a lot from Seb.

 

Mark looked again at the films that were Sebastian's, the DVDs piled on their side on top of his own shelved boxes.

He smiled looking at them.

“You've got more Disney films than most grown men I know,” joked Mark, trying to lighten the mood.

There was a pause before Seb answered.

“Oh, well, you know, I just like them,” he admitted.

There was something in Sebastian's tone of voice that bothered Mark and he felt bad for teasing him about it.

“You can like whatever you want to Seb, I'm only teasing. There's some good ones in there.”

“Yeah, I know. I know you're only teasing,” allowed Seb quietly.

Mark looked at him more carefully and went to sit by Seb on the sofa.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Seb?”

Sebastian shrugged and looked down.

“They just used to make me feel better. You know, when things were bad,” Seb confessed.

Mark frowned at him.

“Back then you mean?”

“Yeah.”

 

Seb looked up at him. Those big blue eyes undoing Mark as they always did.

“In my house in Switzerland I used to have a place where I hid them and when he wasn't around, late at night I used to watch them on my own. It helped when I was really struggling or if something had happened, when he'd...”

Seb couldn't finish that sentence.

“Oh Seb.”

The image of Sebastian in the dark taking solace in watching a Disney film filled Mark's head; Seb hurt and afraid and all alone, curled up on the sofa trying to escape into a safer reality. It was heartbreaking.

 

“I left one out by mistake once and he found it and he was so cruel about it. He made me feel pathetically childish for watching it.”

Seb looked at Mark and then his gaze flicked down.

“I mean I know they are kids' films, but...”

“No Seb, that doesn't matter. They're just films, anyone can enjoy them. I shouldn't have teased you. I feel awful Seb, I never meant to make you feel bad about it, I was just being stupid, I didn't realise...”

He should have realised. It was obvious. It was so horribly obvious why Sebastian would want to watch films that reminded him of his childhood when he had been happy and secure. How had he been such a fool as to not work that out?

“No it's okay. When you tease me, it's not the same. It's nothing like that. Nothing like him. He was cruel. You're never cruel Mark. It's completely different,” reassured Sebastian.

“Okay, well I'm still sorry,” Mark apologised.

Seb shook his head.

“It's okay.”

“Okay,” accepted Mark.

 

He thought back to when Sebastian had brought round a copy of 'The Little Mermaid' to one of their film nights back when they weren't living together and only now did Mark realise what an act of bravery and trust that had been, and he'd _laughed_ at Seb. The recollection made him feel sick now he understood.

Mark wrapped his arms tightly around Seb and pressed his forehead into the side of Seb's head. He felt so bad about it Mark couldn't help himself, he took a shuddery breath and before he could stop, Mark was crying.

Seb pulled back and looked at him in horror.

“Mark? Mark why are you crying? Please don't cry.”

 

Sebastian couldn't remember ever seeing Mark cry. Mark was his rock, he was always so solid. If he didn't have Mark to keep him together what would they do?

Mark tried brushing at his face to pull himself together so as not to distress Seb, but he couldn't help admitting the truth.

“I'm so sorry if I hurt you. I never want to do that.”

“No it's okay. You didn't. It's alright Mark. I promise,” reassured Sebastian shakily.

“I wish I knew what to do. To stop all this. To stop the media hurting you. To make it all go away. I wish I could, but I can't,” confessed Mark. “I don't know what to do.”

Seb shook his head, also trying to hold back tears.

“It's okay. I know. I know you would if you could. It's not your fault Mark.”

“I'm supposed to help you, but I can't, I can't do anything.”

 

Mark felt so useless. He didn't think he had managed to do or say anything to fix things today when Seb had needed him. He was failing him.

“I'm sorry,” Mark repeated. “I've been no good today.”

“Yes you have. Of course you have,” insisted Seb.

He wrapped his arms around Mark, who in turn held him closer and Sebastian spoke, almost directly into his ear.

“This is what you do. You hold onto me. That's what I needed and you did that. You're my rock Mark. You never let me down.”

 

They held onto one another for a few minutes, each helping the other settle down and feel better. As they sat back a bit and relaxed their hold on one another, Seb looked at Mark and thought how much of this Mark was taking on himself and how unfair it was.

“I don't expect you to fix the media Mark. No one can do that. It's not your fault all this is going on. I know you would do anything to stop it if you could. We can't make it go away. We just have to survive. That's what you do. You give me the strength to survive it. I'm sorry I sort of shut down today.”

“No that was what you needed,” assured Mark.

“Yes, I think it was. I just needed to shut down and recharge a bit and I needed you to help me do it. That's all I needed from you. I just needed you to be there and to hold onto me, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Mark. “I still wish I knew what to suggest to help going forward.”

Seb shrugged.

“I don't know either. You don't have to have all the answers. I think... I think we just do what we always say we will.”

Mark frowned, wondering what Sebastian meant.

“Don't give up. I wanted to give up earlier. I wanted to sleep for a year and never pull the duvet back from over my head, but we can't do that can we?”

“No.”

“So we don't give up. We just keep going. If we don't know what else to do, we just keep going.”

“Yeah mate. That's what we do. We just keep going,” concurred Mark.

 

He pulled Seb tighter in again and kissed him.

“You're fucking amazing. Do you know that?”

Sebastian smiled and gave a half shrug.

“I love you _so_ much,” Mark reminded both Seb and himself.

He kissed Seb again and then held onto him for a little while longer.

Seb was so tough, so resilient. You could knock him all the way down to the floor and somehow he picked himself up and kept fighting. Nobody knew what it took from Sebastian to do that like Mark did, but nobody appreciated it as much as Mark did either.

“I love you too,” stated Sebastian, feeling so much better than he had imagined possible only a few minutes earlier.

 

“Good,” affirmed Mark.

He gave Seb a squeeze and they both re-set themselves.

Mark let go of Sebastian and sat forwards decisively.

“Now then, let's put on a film and forget about everything for a bit. Okay?”

Sebastian nodded in agreement, wanting to move on and leave their worries to one side.

“What do you fancy?”

“Umm, 'Finding Nemo'?” suggested Seb.

“Good call,” praised Mark as he found the film to put it on.

Mark smiled over at Seb on the sofa.

“Kids films are better than adults ones half the time anyway.”

Seb smiled back.

“Well you like _The Muppets_.”

“Exactly. I'm a man of taste.”

 

 

 

 

They settled in as Mark pressed play. Seb rested in on Mark's chest with his feet curled up on the sofa and Mark put his arm around him.

“You're still my rock aren't you?” checked Sebastian quietly, still slightly unnerved at having seen Mark cry.

Mark kissed the top of his head.

“Of course I am darling, I'm whatever you need me to be,” promised Mark.

He sounded back to his normal self now and Sebastian was reassured to hear it.

“Good.”

Seb kissed his chest.

“Du bist mein Fels in der Brandung,” he said once again.

“Ja.”

Seb snuffled a laugh against Mark at hearing his accent.

“Do you want it on in German?” wondered Mark.

“Oh, umm.”

“Hang on.”

Mark fiddled with the remote to switch languages.

“I think I can still just about follow the plot in another language,” asserted Mark.

Seb looked up to see the teasing smile on Mark's face and smiled at him being thoughtful and still managing to tease him and them being okay. He pushed himself up and kissed Mark's cheek before settling back in to watch the film.

 

“You'll still be my rock,” murmured Seb against Mark.

“I will.”

“And you'll never let me drown.”

“No. But you're a good swimmer Seb, you're strong, you won't drown if I'm ever not there. You just keep going until we're back together again, alright?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb softly.

 

 

 

 

They lost themselves in watching the film. It was a good choice; easy to follow with a good heart and funny as well as being nice to look at. Mark found no difficulty in watching it in another language. He suspected he could watch it on mute and you'd still understand what was going on. You could always rely on Pixar.

The more they watched, the more the pair of them relaxed. Mark decided his favourite character was the shark; it was strange not hearing that well-known Aussie voicing it, but it didn't really matter. Mark liked that it wasn't your standard Disney romance plot. It was a love story, but it was about family and friendship. It didn't fit in standard boxes, but then neither did they.

 

Part-way through Seb started laughing against him and Mark leant in to look, pleased to see that Seb could still laugh.

“Just keep swim-ming,” Sebastian sang quietly.

Seb sat up a little and looked at Mark.

“Oh,” smiled Mark. “Yes.”

He hadn't seen this film in ages, but the message fitted perfectly. Mark wondered if Sebastian had thought of it when making his film choice or if it was coincidence.

“I'm a fish then?” suggested Sebastian.

“Whatever works. You're far smarter than Dory though,” assured Mark.

“Well that's a relief. Also I think Dory's a girl.”

“Mm, I'd be more concerned about the fish thing, but yeah.”

“True. Also if I'm Dory we have issues with the whole 'not drowning' thing,” noted Seb regarding their recent discussions.

“Ah yes. Well you'd better not climb up on your rock if you're a fish.”

Seb pouted.

“But I _like_ climbing up on my rock.”

He grinned at Mark.

“Mmm, I quite like that too. Well we'll have to reconsider. Perhaps you could be only part fish?” Mark teased.

“A mermaid?”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“A mer _man_ , maybe?”

“Oh, yeah, good point, okay, I'll be a merman,” agreed Sebastian, enjoying the diversion of being being silly.

 

Mark tipped his head to the side, pleased to see Sebastian really happily smiling for the first time in ages.

“Of course I'm no expert in the whole 'mer' thing, but from what I've seen it has a particular drawback that would make me sad,” noted Mark.

Seb furrowed his brow at him.

“The whole, 'lower half as a fish' business,” explained Mark.

“Oh, ha, yes. Oh dear, haha,” laughed Sebastian. “No, that's not working for me either. Oh well, the analogy was nice while it lasted.”

“Mmm, maybe you could turn human on dry land?” suggested Mark.

“Like Ariel?”

“Hmm?”

“In 'The Little Mermaid'.”

“Oh. Yes. Like that. Only I'll be honest, I'd really be hoping you weren't a girl human when you transformed.”

“Ah, good point. That would be a bit confusing.”

“We can watch it next. For research purposes,” suggested Mark.

“Okay, I'll make notes,” joked Seb.

 

 

 

They watched a bit more of the film before Mark wondered out-loud.

“Are there any gay Disney characters?”

“Hm? Oh, not sure. Don't think so. Mind you, Woody and Buzz _are_ very close,” noted Seb.

“What about Jessie?”

“Beard.”

“Ha. Okay, well I'm going to watch that film in a whole new light in future,” considered Mark. “Have you got it?”

“Course.”

“Excellent, well we can check it out another time and make our minds up,” Mark suggested.

 

If DC ever found out that the German DVD he and Seb were watching was a Disney film he'd never live it down, but Mark didn't care. Nothing could make Mark happier right now than leaving the world behind and seeing Sebastian look happy, even for a short while. Seb was so smart, this stuff did work.

 

 

 

They settled back into not talking as they watched the film, but the silence wasn't heavy any more. Both of them knew that they were deliberately ignoring their problems by distracting themselves, but it was a relief to escape for a little while and it was somehow comforting to know that they were in the same boat.

Mark felt less weighed down with responsibility to come up with solutions and was infinitely relieved to see Seb perk up a bit. Sebastian in turn was strangely glad to know that Mark had no more answers than him and even if it had been unsettling to see Mark upset, it made him feel slightly less pathetic for falling apart. As long as they could support one another it felt just a little more possible that they could get through this together.

 

 

 

As they reached the end of the film Mark glanced down and saw that Seb was crying a little once more. He leant round to look at him and gave Seb a gentle rub on his arm.

“Just the film, right?” Mark checked.

Sebastian nodded and pulled himself together. It was just the plot making him cry, but it seemed as though tears were never very far beneath the surface these days. Seb knew he couldn't go on like this once he got to the track later in the week and hoped that this was getting it out of his system.

When he got to Germany Seb would have to put his armour back on, but for now with Mark he could allow himself to be vulnerable. At the track he would have to be Sebastian Vettel; racing driver, professional, team player, public property, but here he was just Seb and he was just Mark's, he didn't need to pretend he was anything other than who he really was.

 

Mark gave him another little rub and a kiss on the head.

“Right then, next film?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark pried himself away from Sebastian and stuck 'The Little Mermaid' on, then gathered up the cushions to pile at one end of the couch so that they could lie down together.

Within minutes of the film starting Mark huffed a laugh.

“Ha, I forgot; you're a lobster too.”

Seb smiled up at him.

“I think I'm having an identity crisis.”

“Oh well, at least you have your pick.”

“Who do you think I should be then?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark lifted his head to be sure that Seb could see him.

“I think you should be just who you are mate, okay?”

Sebastian nodded. Mark only ever told him he was the best of things; brave, strong, smart, gorgeous, _his._ He could be all of those things with Mark.

 

Mark gave him a warm smile which Sebastian returned. He wrapped both his arms right around Sebastian and rested his head down to lie against Seb's. Hold him tight, keep him close. If he could do nothing else Mark could do this.

Sebastian let out a soft sigh, feeling secure. As his namesake sang on-screen he let his eyes fall shut. He wasn't thinking about tomorrow or the week ahead.

 

 

Mark shifted his head up a little as he felt Sebastian's breathing slow and looked to see if Seb's eyes were closed. They were. Those beautiful long eyelashes moving ever so slightly. He hoped Seb was dreaming of nice things, of happy things, of brightly coloured drawn characters and anything else that meant he wasn't worried or afraid. Whatever worked, whatever helped. Mark couldn't gave the tiniest shit what anyone else might think. Whatever got Seb through.

 

He laid his head back down by Sebastian's, taking a long breath in and letting it out very slowly so as to be sure not to disturb him. Mark looked at the cartoon playing out in front of them; Love conquering all as it always did in fairy tales. It was a simple idea to comfort children. They weren't children. Both of them knew life wasn't as easy or benign as that, but a few hours hiding away in a world where that was true was a respite from the colder, crueller world outside.

Mark closed his eyes and let the music from that happier, gentler world wash over him. He let it lull him to sleep alongside Seb.

They were safe where they were.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of these days they're going to answer the door and it will be the damn postman...
> 
>  
> 
> Acknowledgements to R713 for the stolen analogy. It was just too good not to use, so thank you for that.


	58. Unexpected Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So on we go to Germany.

* * *

 

 

 

It was Thursday morning at the track and Britta had gathered a group of journalists into a room for a quiet 'chat' about the weekend. She had seen her driver already that morning and he seemed to be in one piece, but Britta was taking no chances.

 

“Let me make it very clear; Sebastian will be discussing his job this weekend and only his job. He will _not_ be discussing his personal life. So please do not waste his time and yours by bringing up matters outside of relevant motor-racing questions.”

 

There was a pause in the room as the group of mostly male media representatives resisted the urge to respond with 'Yes Miss'.

“Does anyone have any queries? I would hate for someone to accidentally get on the wrong side of me this weekend as I am in not in a forgiving humour right now.”

Britta looked out across the room. She could see some distinctly unimpressed faces and a few whispering to their neighbour.

“Sebastian is here to race and that is what he will be concentrating on. He will be more than happy to discuss this with you as always. I expect the same level of respect to be accorded in return.”

 

There were mumbles through the room as reporters could see their plans being stymied.

“If you have actual points to make, please make them now,” instructed Britta.

A journalist raised his hand.

“Look, Britta, no offence, we know it's your job to protect your driver, but we've got a job to do as well. We have legitimate questions to ask.”

Britta eye-balled him.

“Questions about his racing are legitimate.”

The reporter gave a slight shake of his head.

“Oh come on, with all this going on, there's a lot of interest. My editor will be expecting me to...”

Britta cut him dead.

“I'm sorry Daniel I thought you worked for _The Telegraph_.”

The reporter frowned.

“I do, but...”

“So you are a sports journalist? I'm not mistaken?”

“No but...”

“Good. So your editor will be expecting you to be writing about sport. When you go to work for _Heat_ magazine you and I can have another discussion about what are legitimate areas of interest for you to write about.”

The writer sighed and mumbled something under his breath. Britta gave him a firm look.

“Kindly stay behind at the end and we can discuss this further Daniel.”

 

One of the older reporters leant in from the row behind him and whispered in his ear.

“Oh _dear,_ someone's being kept behind for a spanking.”

Daniel turned to look and the reporter grinned and shook his head.

“You lucky devil. God she's hot when she's being firm with us. What I wouldn't give for Britta to take me in hand...”

Britta glared out at the whisperers.

“Did you have a question Kevin?”

The older reporter sat back.

“No no.”

“Good.”

 

Another journalist braved raising a hand.

“Britta this is all very well, but you can't actually tell us what questions to ask.”

Britta looked over. Another one for the list.

“No, but I can tell you what questions Sebastian will not be answering so you don't waste what opportunities you have to speak to him this weekend.”

 

She took a sip of water before continuing.

“I think we have all had a pretty good relationship up to now. It would be a shame for that to be spoiled don't you think?”

An old-school journalist spoke out from near the back.

“You know there is such a thing as free speech.”

Britta peered over trying to see who had said that.

“There is Peter and you are free to say whatever you want. However I am also free to not like what you are saying and take whatever steps are necessary to stop you doing it in my presence.”

 

There was a murmur through the room which Britta silenced.

“We _all_ want to do our jobs this weekend. You, me, Sebastian. So let's find a way to work together and we can all go home on Sunday night happy.”

She switched her voice from the conciliatory tone she had been using to a harsher note.

“Do not misunderstand me. I want us all to remain friends, but go too far this weekend I will have no compunction to take action, so please think carefully about what is important. If you overstep the mark you will find yourself in the wilderness and I promise you will find it a cold and desolate place where doing your job is made extremely difficult.”

 

Most of the room sat slightly stunned at the less than veiled threat, but one old hand whispered sotto voce.

“And here was me thinking the race in Korea was cancelled.”

 

 

 

Britta finished up and the occupants filtered out of the room, leaving a nervous Daniel behind. He made his way up to the front where Britta was tidying her things away.

“Look, Britta...”

“Do we have a problem Daniel? Because I'd hate for us to have a problem.”

“No, I...”

“It would be very unfortunate if I had to ban someone from press conferences.”

Daniel gasped.

“You wouldn't?”

“A person in my position might be looking to make an example of someone, in order to encourage their colleagues to fully appreciate what they might be risking.”

Daniel looked horrified and Britta regarded him very firmly back.

“It wouldn't be impossible to have someone's press credentials withdrawn altogether.”

“Ban me from the paddock? You can't do that. I haven't done anything...”

Britta shook her head.

“Not you Daniel. As you say, you haven't done anything and now I think we are very clear that you are not going to, I'm sure we will have no problems going forward, but someone who made the mistake of messing with me might discover that my sunny disposition hides a vindictive side and I'd really recommend that they don't piss me off this weekend when I am in no mood for it. Am I clear?”

“Crystal,” gulped Daniel, trying to maintain a professional demeanour.

Britta returned her face to a bright smile.

“Oh good. Well I'm glad we had this little chat.”

 

Britta raised an eyebrow at him.

“Do feel free to mention this to your friends, won't you?” recommended Britta in a cheery voice.

“Right. Yeah.”

Britta nodded and indicated that he could leave. As she returned to sorting out her bag, Daniel walked out into the paddock, muttering under his breath.

“Christ, she's turned into Dirty Harry.”

He didn't want Britta taking him in hand, Daniel suspected he wouldn't enjoy it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood with Mark outside the room where the drivers' press conference was being held. Britta had investigated trying to get Sebastian out of it, but there was no option to skip the duty he had been selected for weeks ago unless Seb was ill and saying that was the last thing the team wanted.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded. Of course he wasn't really, but these things were relative and he was holding it together right now, acknowledging anything different would only make things harder to handle.

The other drivers were mingling in the holding area. Most of them had avoided him, but Seb wasn't sure if that was because they felt awkward with Mark being there. He shouldn't really have been present, but one look from Mark at the FIA's PR organiser and they had immediately decided to turn a blind eye to his presence. The two Nicos had at least nodded at Sebastian, and Hulkenberg had offered an 'Alright?” as greeting to the pair.

Seb didn't much feel like talking to his fellow drivers anyway. He didn't want to talk to the media either, but it was unavoidable and he'd known he was automatically down for this conference as one of the home drivers. It was inescapable so he just had to get through it.

The PR organiser baby-sitting the group started to make moves to get things going and Sebastian took a deep stilling breath. Mark placed a hand on his elbow and gave him a reassuring nod. He'd really like to give Seb a hug to set him up for this, but Mark knew that might make Seb feel a little uncomfortable in front of his rivals and he didn't want to give him anything else to worry about.

 

Mark leant in and spoke very quietly so only Sebastian could hear.

“Just remember everything Britta said, yeah?”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

“And if anyone gets out of hand we'll call up Pauline and set her on them.”

Mark gave Seb a half smile and was pleased to see Sebastian manage a little smile back at his joke.

 

 

As the drivers were called through, Mark distracted himself from worrying about Seb by thinking back a couple of days to when they had come home on Tuesday morning to find Pauline hard at work as it was one of her usual days to be in.

Mark had realised that he should probably have dropped her a text telling his housekeeper to skip coming over until they were in Germany, but it was too late now. They headed up to shower and change after their run and left her to it. They hadn't gone anything like as hard or as far as usual, but it had been good just to get out and act as though things were carrying on as normal.

On coming back downstairs they found Pauline in the kitchen.

“I'll finish up now,” offered Pauline.

She hadn't done the hoovering, but she could catch up next time, no doubt they wanted the place to themselves.

“I made you some tea.”

Pauline fetched the two mugs from the side and put them on the kitchen table.

“Thank you,” Mark replied for both of them.

“You're still away this weekend aren't you?” checked Pauline as she put her things away.

“Yes, so just the usual with the dogs if that's alright?”

“Of course, no problem.”

 

Pauline glanced over at the Shadow and Simba taking a nap in their basket. They were never any trouble and she liked to feel that she was helping out. Pauline looked at Sebastian who was being very quiet. He seemed tired, poor boy. Of course he did when the press were behaving abominably towards him after he had already been though too much. She was trying to stop herself from saying anything, but then Sebastian looked at her and said 'thank you' as well. Presumably he meant for her taking care of the dogs and the house while they were at the race but he spoke so quietly it was too much for Pauline, her resolve snapped and she went over and gave him a hug.

She felt Seb sag a little into her and Pauline hugged him tighter before letting go and looking at him directly.

“He comes anywhere near this place and the dogs will be the least of his worries, alright dear?”

Sebastian had no idea what to say to that. He knew exactly what she was referring to of course. Somehow he had never worried that Heikki would ever come seeking him here; Mark, the dogs, now Pauline. Mark had always maintained that Heikki was a coward, he'd never dare risk it, Seb always felt safe in this house.

He nodded and Pauline nodded back.

“Okay well I'll be off.”

 

Pauline pulled on her cardigan and gave the pair a reassuring smile before leaving them to drink their tea in peace. She only got as far as the hall when Mark caught up with her.

“Thank you.”

Mark didn't know what else to say. It had somehow never occurred to him that his housekeeper knew more than almost anyone about their situation and what had happened to Seb. He had trusted her without question.

Pauline nodded acknowledgement.

“You've not had any more trouble with the press coming here have you?” she wondered.

“Oh no, thank god. I think they learnt that they were wasting their time,” noted Mark.

“Good. Well, small mercies.”

 

Mark nodded. He almost asked her to promise not to speak to the media about what she knew, but he realised that would be an insult. Pauline could have spoken out at any time and she never had. She wouldn't now.

“Good luck this weekend,” offered Pauline.

“Yeah, thanks. It's the last thing he needs really, but...”

“Mm, I'm sure, well at least he'll have you there with him.”

“His family are going to be there too.”

“Are they? Good.”

 _Finally,_ thought Pauline, wondering where on earth Seb's family had been through all of this. They hadn't told her of their trip to Germany as they had simply left extra food out for the dogs, expecting to be back as quickly as possible.

“Right, well I'll go. Let me know if you think of anything you need me to get in over the weekend.”

“I will. Thank you Pauline, we'd be lost without you,” acknowledged Mark.

Pauline nodded and reached up to give Mark a hug wondering who took care of him in all this. She wasn't sure getting in fresh bread and milk really counted, but if that was what she could do then Pauline would do that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb sat feeling exposed in the front row facing the assembled media. It was just about the last place in the world he wanted to be, but he had no choice in the matter. He just had to get through this. He steeled himself as the moderator opened the floor up to questions. The first one was for him, of course it was.

“Sebastian will you be able to concentrate on the race with all your latest troubles in the press?”

Seb forced himself to look the journalist in the eye.

“Yes of course. I am fully focussed on my racing as always.”

He'd used that line so many times, Seb knew it sounded tired now, but what else was he supposed to say when they kept asking him the same questions?

“You're obviously under a lot of strain. Do you really want to be here?”

 

The truth was that Sebastian had come very close to not wanting to come to the race at all, but that just wasn't possible. If he didn't come and race this weekend Seb could forget about racing altogether.

He buried those feelings and tried not to think about just how obvious the strain must be on his face for them to comment on it.

 

“Yes of course I want to be here. Racing is my life. I'm looking forward to getting into the car tomorrow and getting down to work.”

 

That was true. Sebastian wanted more than anything to pull his visor down and shut all this out. He could drive. He knew he could do that. The rest of the weekend was what he wanted to avoid. Seb glanced to his side and saw Nico Rosberg picking at his nails as if disinterested in the whole affair. He wished it was Lewis or Dan in his place. Even If they didn't say anything it would have felt like moral support.

 

“And you're in a fit state to do that?” pressed the journalist.

Sebastian swallowed down the barbed question. He knew exactly what they were implying by that; someone who needed a psychiatrist was in no state to be driving. Seb couldn't react, he couldn't show any weakness.

“I'm fine, thank you,” Seb answered trying to sound definitively final, as if that would stop them.

 

Another journalist introduced themselves and tried their hand.

“Sebastian, given what has been revealed occurred last year, do you have concerns about security at races?”

Seb could have made a joke that it obviously wasn't great if they let undesirable individuals like Heikki wander around, but he had no energy for jokes and the last thing he wanted to do was mention his name.

“No.”

The journalist asked the other participants, but they all gave blunt negatives, not wishing to be drawn into the topic.

Another question came, asking if what had happened explained Sebastian's form last year.

“I think that has rather more to do with the number of times the car broke down,” insisted Seb.

“But it must have affected you?”

They wouldn't let up. Sebastian fell back on one of Britta's stock answers that she had provided.

“I'm not discussing personal matters. It is of no relevance to my racing.”

“But...”

“Who's next?” interrupted the moderator.

Sebastian looked over, wondering if Britta had got to him. He should do something nice for Britta; send her flowers at least.

 

“Sebastian, can you comment on whether the stories in the papers are true?”

“No.”

Why should he? All it would do was encourage them.

“Can you at least confirm whether the stalking actually took place at several races, or just Austria?”

What? Hadn't he just said he wasn't going to talk about it?

“It's a legal matter and I can't comment on it.”

 

Seb knew he sounded defensive and evasive, but he couldn't help it.

“If we could move things on to questions that can be answered,” asserted the moderator.

Britta had definitely got to him Sebastian decided.

 

 

He sat through the rest of the conference as the reporters turned their attention to Rosberg and his title chances and Sebastian sank back into his seat knowing he must look defeated. This was only the first parry in his weekend-long battle with the media. He just had to carry on, just keep going as he had promised Mark he would.

It was impossible to fake the smiles and make the jokes he used to in the past. Sebastian was doing his best to mask his feelings, but it was so much harder now that the things that hurt him were the very things the media wanted to force him to discuss. He just had to do the best he could in order to get through.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A little while later they were in Sebastian's room, taking a moment to defragment after surviving the conference. 'Surviving' was how it felt. Seb had really needed the long hug Mark had provided the moment that they were alone.

Mark realised he was going to struggle this weekend when it had been so hard merely to let Sebastian go out on his own in front of the press. He wanted to be by Seb's side at all times, never letting go, but that just wasn't possible. Mark was simply going to have to help set Sebastian up and suffer through waiting until he was back with him again. It was going to be torture.

 

There was a knock on the door and Seb opened it, expecting to see Britta, but it was his team-mate.

“Hey, can I come in?” requested Daniel.

Seb stepped back, opening the door wider.

“Sure.”

He sat back down on the bed with Mark, and Dan leaned against the opposite wall. They had said their polite hellos earlier but Daniel wanted to get a moment while the rest of the team weren't watching.

“So umm, how are you?” tried Dan.

Sebastian shrugged. He was sick of saying he was fine.

“Right. Well, I would have rung or something, but I realised I don't have your number,” explained Daniel.

“That's okay.”

“Yeah well Christian said you probably wanted leaving alone anyway, so...”

Sebastian gave him a wry look.

“I wish the media would listen to that advice.”

“I'll bet. Anyway I just wanted to say something, I'm not very good at this, but, well I hope you're alright and everything,” attempted Daniel awkwardly.

 

Seeing Daniel struggle made Sebastian want to ease the situation and make him feel better. Dan had been so good through everything this year. He was very lucky to have him as his team-mate.

“Thank you. It's nice of you to ask. I'll just be glad to get on with the racing, you know?”

“Yeah I'm sure.”

“We could just do with the media taking a hike,” put in Mark.

“Mm, well maybe once the cars are on track they'll have something else to write about,” suggested Dan.

“Let's hope so,” agreed Mark.

“They just need distracting from all this bullshit,” proposed Daniel.

“That would be a help,” noted Sebastian.

Daniel laughed as an idea struck him.

“I could always streak down the paddock?” he offered.

 

Both Mark and Seb huffed unexpected laughs.

Daniel shrugged.

“What? You think they wouldn't be distracted by that?” he grinned.

“I think they would be incapable of thinking about anything else all weekend long,” reflected Seb.

“I think they'd be scarred for life,” joked Mark.

 

Daniel pretended to look offended.

“Hey, I'll have you know I cut a very fine figure. I could finally show them all that talk of wide hips is rubbish.”

Daniel stood up straight to demonstrate and then turned to pose like a statue.

“I'm practically a Greek god under my race-suit you know?”

Mark shook his head.

“You look more like Bruce Forsyth mate.”

Dan stood back up.

“Urgh, well I'm offended, particularly seeing as I'm not sure who that is.”

He shook his head and pulled a sad face.

“It's very kind of you Dan, I'll see how it goes,” thanked Sebastian.

“Righto, well I'll push off and leave you two alone.”

 

Dan re-opened the door, but turned back before he exited.

“Just remember the offer stands, alright?”

Seb nodded.

“Much appreciated, thank you.”

Dan shut the door behind him and Sebastian turned into Mark who shrugged and smiled.

“He's a good guy.”

“Yeah. Don't really want to see him naked though.”

Mark laughed and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“That is very reassuring mate.”

Seb nodded and leant in against Mark for just another moment before making himself get up.

“Okay well I need to get back to the garage to prep stuff for tomorrow,” explained Sebastian.

“Shall I walk down with you?” Mark offered.

“I'm okay,” reassured Seb.

The paddock wasn't too busy yet with it only being Thursday and if there were any press about he just had to get used to walking past them. He had to condition himself to toughing it out.

 

Mark nodded and they made to leave the room.

“I'll get a coffee downstairs and practice my German on the poor staff.”

Seb smiled.

“You'll probably end up with something completely different.”

“Probably. I'll survive until you come and rescue me though.”

“I'll try not to be too long,” offered Seb.

“No rush. I'll just eat or drink whatever they give me. No better incentive to improve my language skills.”

“Okay.”

“Then we can head back, you can order me some proper food, then an early night and your folks will be here tomorrow,” encouraged Mark.

Seb nodded again and they headed down. It was all really starting tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They arrived at the track early enough that most the media were still back at their hotels eating breakfast, allowing Sebastian plenty of time for a catch up with Britta and his boss, both of whom were only too obviously keeping a very close eye on him. By the time his family arrived, Seb was already changed into his race-suit, ready to go. He read the text from his brother alerting them that they had arrived and he and Mark went down to meet them.

 

It was a lot busier now as they were only a short while from first practice starting and it took them a moment to spot Seb's parents who had already bagged themselves a table in the hospitality. Sebastian was just wondering where his brother was when Fabian appeared out of nowhere and gave him such a forceful hug he nearly knocked Seb over.

Sebastian couldn't help smiling over at Mark who smiled back and shook his head.

“Hey Fabe,” managed Seb as soon as he was released.

“Hey,” replied Fabian.

He looked at his older brother carefully, wanting to ask before they got over to their parents.

“You're alright aren't you?” Fabian checked.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I'm okay. I'm glad you're here today.”

“Are you?”

“Of course.”

 

Sebastian saw the way his brother was looking at him with such concern and wished he had time to have a proper chat with him, but his weekend was going to be packed. Maybe he'd find a few minutes somewhere.

“Course he is,” confirmed Mark. “You're going to come and keep me company in the garage today aren't you?”

Fabian turned his attention to Mark and nodded, before giving him an equally firm hug.

Mark gave him a pat on the arm.

“We're very glad to see you kiddo.”

He released Fabian and looked over at Norbert and Heike who were watching from a distance.

“Right, come on, let's go over.”

 

They went and sat with them and made polite conversation while Sebastian's parents tried their best to check he was okay without actually bringing up any of the topics they knew would upset Seb. They didn't have very long before Sebastian had to go over to the garage and he found himself guiltily thinking that it would almost be a relief to get in the car and forget about everything else.

Britta came over and walked them down to the garage, shooting daggers at any media who looked as they might be about to approach. She set them up at the back of the garage and made sure that they had everything they needed while Sebastian went over to speak with the engineers. There were some fold-out chairs set up and Seb's parents sat down to one side, Fabian at the other, plainly leaving a gap for Mark to sit between them. Norbert saw a camera at the entrance of the garage home in on them and made a point of leaning in to speak to Mark by his side.

“How have they been so far?”

Mark frowned.

“Hmm?”

“The media,” Norbert clarified.

“Oh, well so far reasonably under control, but... you know...”

Mark shrugged. The press conference was a controlled environment, Seb still had countless more encounters yet to endure and that was before they even had any results from the track to factor in.

Norbert nodded understanding.

 

Mark distracted himself by looking at the radio headphones they had been handed. His pair had 'Mark Webber' printed on them. That was new. Mark smiled, realising it was a subtle message from the team that he was an expected presence in the garage now. It was nice to feel included and welcome. Mark wondered if that was Christian's handiwork or someone else.

“So what are they doing over there?” asked Fabian.

Mark drew himself back and started explaining what the engineers would be running through with Sebastian before he was interrupted by Daniel bounding into the garage, stopping to shake hands with Sebastian's family and give Mark a cheery pat on the back.

 

Seb returned to the group.

“All set?” asked Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Oh sh..” Daniel stopped himself from swearing in front of Seb's mother. “I'm a bit late, better get over. Oh don't forget if you change your mind Seb, the offer still stands.”

He grinned and bounced off to annoy his engineer Simon before getting in the car.

“What offer?” wondered Fabian.

Mark shook his head.

“Nothing. Just Dan being silly as usual.”

Seb nodded.

“It's just how Dan is, you get used to it.”

“Takes all kinds,” noted his father sitting back down.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian. “Um, Mark got a second?”

He looked over to the exit to the rear portion of the garage and Mark took his lead and followed him out back.

 

“You okay?” Mark checked.

“Yeah, no one's mentioned anything at all here.”

“The team you mean?”

“Yeah, I mean it's good but, do you think that's Christian?”

Mark nodded.

“Probably. I'm sure it's not that they don't care.”

“No I know. It's good. I want to keep all that out of the here, just, you know, get down to business.”

“Exactly, they're just being professional,” concurred Mark.

“I should go back and get started.”

“Righto. Was that all you wanted?” asked Mark, wondering why Sebastian had pulled him out back.

Seb gave a little smile.

“Oh, no. That was for this.”

He pushed up on his toes and slid his arms around Mark's neck to give him a hug, pressing his cheek into Mark's and absorbing all he could from the moment as Mark hugged him back.

“Okay, now I'm good,” confirmed Sebastian as he dropped back.

Time to go get in the car, pull down the visor and shut everything out, except this, this he would carry with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thankfully the morning passed uneventfully enough. Sebastian's times sat in the upper mid-field, but they were respectable and for now he'd take that. He didn't want to admit it, but it had felt like a release just to get in the car and put his foot down and feel that there was at least one thing left in his life that he could control.

Once practice was over Seb only had time to say hello to his family before he was back following up on how things had gone with his engineers and Britta came over to remind them that Seb had to go and face the media yet.

“He'll be a while, so...”

Britta glanced at Mark.

“Yeah we'll go back and wait,” offered Mark, taking the hint.

“Good, okay well Seb will know where to find you.”

“Will he have time for lunch?” asked Heike anxiously.

“I'm sure he will,” agreed Britta. “Right, well...”

 

She looked to Mark again, then focussed on Sebastian's parents.

“There may well be some media about in the paddock, so just a reminder that it's best not to speak to them.”

“We know, thank you,” insisted Norbert.

Britta nodded and let them go, wishing she could split herself in two. She wasn't sure Sebastian's family really understood how intense the media interest was this weekend. She would have to trust to Mark looking after them.

 

 

 

As it was they were fine, right up until they reached the doors of the RedBull motorhome and a small cluster of journalists scurried up to see if Seb was with them. Disappointed, they threw a few questions in their direction but Mark pulled open the doors and Seb's parents went through. Fabian was part-way in when he thought he heard someone say something about his brother and he stopped and tried to turn only for Mark to place a hand on his shoulder and propel him through the door.

Fabian turned around and frowned at Mark as he entered the room behind them.

“What were they saying?”

“Nothing.”

“Mark?”

Mark tipped his head in a little to look Fabian in the eye.

“You have to ignore them Fabe, okay? That's how we help Seb. If we talk to them we just create problems for him, alright?”

 

Fabian scrunched his face a little but nodded. He looked over at his parents finding them a table.

“Don't you want to say stuff to them?” asked Fabian.

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Are you kidding mate? I have to fight the urge to tell them all to go fuck themselves every race I go to.”

Fabian looked slightly taken aback at the strength of Mark's reply and Mark realised he probably shouldn't be swearing quite so much around Seb's kid brother.

“Best we don't repeat that to your mum,” Mark noted.

Fabian nodded. It was good to hear how defensive Mark sounded on his brother's behalf. He thought it might be quite fun to let Mark loose and tell the media what he really thought of them, but not if that made Sebastian's life more difficult. Mark knew how things really were, so he should just follow his advice.

 

 

They sat themselves down at the table Seb's parents had secured and ordered some drinks to keep them busy before watching the screens to see the drivers being interviewed, hoping to see Sebastian was coping alright.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb stepped into the breach and glanced at Britta, remembering their agreed signal should he need her to rescue him. He set his shoulders and started answering questions.

“You know I'm not talking about that.”

“I can't discuss legal matters.”

“I'm not going to get into that.”

“Yes my family are here.”

“Of course they are supporting me. They're my family.”

“Yes Mark too. As I said, all my family are here this weekend.”

“I'm fine, thank you.”

“No, it's not an issue.”

“My team have always supported me.”

“I'm not in a position to answer that.”

 

He knew his answers sounded clipped and he wasn't his usual out-going self. Seb saw some of even the friendlier members of the media looking at him oddly and he wondered if it was because they thought there was something wrong with him now that they knew he was seeing a therapist, or whether they were genuinely concerned because he looked like shit. Sebastian hadn't felt tired in the car, but now that he was out of it he could feel his body sagging.

Sebastian did his best to keep his mask in place and not let it slip when some journalists disobeyed all of Britta's warnings and continued to ask personal questions. One of them mentioned Heikki's name and it took all Seb had not to flinch at hearing it. He didn't really take in the rest of the question that followed so Seb readjusted his cap slightly and Britta pulled him out. That would do, he'd done enough for now.

 

As he walked back into the motorhome Sebastian saw both Mark and Fabian instantly leap up to see him and he smiled to think that he was going to have to fight off the hugs. Maybe he should stop worrying about his family and be grateful they were there, that was all that really mattered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time the day was mostly done, Sebastian was certain he couldn't have done it without all the support he had to back him up. His time in the garage was as unchanged from before as possible and the going on track was alright, if unspectacular, he'd take that for now.

It was everything else that Seb was struggling with. He knew Britta was trying to keep his contact with the media to a minimum but it felt as though he was constantly telling reporters he couldn't answer their questions. Seb could hear his own voice getting worn and his face blanking out all emotion. A couple of times he tried to pull it back and Seb managed a few longer answers to racing questions from people he trusted not to be trying to trick him into revealing more than he wanted, but even that was an effort.

All Sebastian wanted was to go back to his hotel and lie down with Mark, but he still had the drivers' briefing to get through before he could have that.

As there really wasn't anything for his family to hang around for Seb persuaded his them to go for the day, telling them he and Mark would be shooting off as soon as he was done, and given their early start his parents weren't too averse to leaving him to finish up.

 

 

Mark was still struggling with the desire to stick to Sebastian's side like glue, but Daniel appeared to walk down the briefing with Seb, so Mark figured he'd be alright. The paddock was clearing out for the day anyway, so they shouldn't have to fight their way through too many people to get there.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian settled into his seat by Daniel, letting him chat on without paying too much attention to what he was really saying. He wondered where Lewis was, he'd not seen him this weekend so far apart from on track and that didn't really count. It was nice that Lewis had sent a message, even if it was just to say he hoped Seb was alright. Sebastian wasn't sure what he would say if he saw him but it would just be nice to say hello and check that they could still be normal around one another.

Kimi was in the corner of the room on his own. He hadn't even so much as looked at Sebastian. Seb hardened his heart; fuck him, Kimi wasn't his friend.

Several more drivers filtered into the room. Dan and Seb had stuck themselves in a middle row, deliberately unobtrusive. Sometimes this was so like school it almost made Sebastian laugh, but he wasn't much in the mood for laughing at the moment.

A couple of drivers shuffled their way along the row in front and Seb realised that he was avoiding making eye-contact with them. He knew that was a sign of weakness and he couldn't appear that way to his rivals, so Seb forced himself to look up, but they weren't looking at him. Sergio Perez leaned in to his neighbour and said something and the pair snickered as they took their seats.

“I wonder how many of his old boyfriends are here this weekend,” commented Sergio, intentionally louder, the pair sniggering again.

“Dicks,” retorted Daniel.

The pair in front ignored him, but a definite rumble went through the room. Sebastian stared at the floor, trying with all his might not to let anything show on his face. He wouldn't let them see that hurt, he couldn't allow that to happen.

 

Daniel was about to say something to Sebastian when Fernando appeared and worked his way along their row to sit next to Seb, causing him to look up. Sebastian had expected it to be Lewis, but he wasn't entirely surprised to see Fernando. Seb presumed Mark must have asked his friend to be on baby-sitting duty again. That helped pick him up a bit. Mark was looking out for him even when he couldn't be here. Sebastian almost smiled, it was a good job Mark wasn't here, if he had heard those guys bad-mouthing him, Mark would probably want to do what Christian had feared and cave their heads in.

Fernando nodded in greeting and Sebastian nodded in return. The room was almost full now and Charlie was up front ready to start when the door was flung open again at the rear and a flustered looking Lewis grabbed the last available seat in the far corner on the back row while Charlie cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. Seb glanced back at Lewis. Another time he might have been amused by how stressed Lewis looked to have been running late when the race director was notoriously unimpressed with drivers being tardy, but not today. Today Sebastian just wanted to see Lewis look back at him. He did, but only briefly and it was difficult to read him. At least Lewis had looked him in the eye, even if he had been too busy composing himself to smile at Sebastian. Lewis was making sure he appeared to be listening to Charlie, so Seb reminded himself to do the same.

 

 

 

 

The standard briefing over, Charlie opened the floor to questions, answering a few about tyre selections and tweaks to the track. It was standard fare and Seb was only half listening. He was thinking about getting back to the hotel with Mark and how they might shut out worries about how tomorrow would go. His attention was called back when Pastor Maldonado raised a hand.

“If we talk about safety I think we should ask if it is safe to have a driver who is mentally unwell on the track?”

Sebastian took a sharp intake of breath. Of course that meant him. This was what Seb had feared; everyone thinking he was crazy because it had been revealed he had been seeing a psychiatrist. _Mentally unwell?_ That was what people thought he was. His stomach was turning inside out and Seb knew he was breathing more heavily. He frantically worked to control himself; don't react, don't let the pain and fear show, breathe slowly, don't let them see what a mess he really was, don't show them that they're right and he shouldn't be here.

 

Seb stared fixedly at the front, trying not to react visibly in any way, while uproar broke out all around him.

Dan threw up a hand.

“You can't say that. _Jesus_...”

“He has a point.”

“Is not fair to say...”

“What the fuck man? What kind of question is that?”

“We should know if there is a danger.”

“He's one to talk.”

Different languages being spoken and people standing up, neighbours arguing. Charlie slammed a hand down on the table at the front, suddenly silencing the rabble.

“Gentlemen you will behave yourselves!”

 

He looked at Sebastian who was the only driver who had been looking at him throughout. Those who had stood up rapidly retook their seats and the room settled.

“There is no one in this room who should not be here. I do not allow drivers on my track who are not fit to be there.”

Pastor went as if to speak to defend himself, but Charlie looked at him firmly.

“And that is an end to the matter,” finished Charlie. “Now; Any other questions?”

There was a stony silence.

“No? Good. Then we are done. I wish you all a good weekend.”

 

Charlie filed his papers and exit the room. The moment the door shut behind him the rumble restarted in the room. Sebastian only caught snatches;

“I have a right to ask...”

“Unbelievable...”

“That was just mean.”

 

Dan placed a hand on Seb's arm and leaned in.

“You alright? Bloody hell, what a thing to say.”

Sebastian simply nodded, unsure he could speak if he tried. He should just get out of here and get back to Mark. Seb stood up, glad that he had enough strength to do that without betraying how shaky he felt inside. As he rose he felt every pair of eyes in the room looking at him and it took everything Seb had to keep his head up.

He was about to push his way out of the room when Felipe Massa stood up in the front row and turned to face the assembled drivers.

“I think you should know that I see a psychiatrist after I have my crash. When I was injured, before I came back to racing I see him several times.”

Sebastian looked at Felipe, stunned by the show of solidarity.

“Do you think I should not be here? That I am a danger?” pressed Felipe, looking pointedly at Pastor who was still sat in his place further along his row.

“Well that is different...” excused Pastor.

“How is it different? I was hurt, they check I am okay. What is the difference?”

Pastor had no answer and there was another burble through the room.

 

Seb swallowed and managed to nod at Felipe, he couldn't make the words 'thank you' come out of his mouth, but he hoped it was in his eyes.

Daniel was already stood by Seb, but now Fernando joined him.

“You behave like children,” dismissed Fernando in a scathing voice to the room in general. “I would be more worried that such immature drivers are on the track.”

He shook his head and started to leave, Sebastian and Daniel following in his wake and all the other drivers seemingly trying to exit the room at once in a new burst of chaos as the meeting broke up.

 

 

 

 

As soon as they were outside, Seb looked to see that no media were about before stopping and taking a deep breath to gather himself. Other drivers were walking out, all looking at him as they passed, but Seb ignored them, looking instead to Fernando.

“Thank you. I know Mark asked you to stick with me, but thank you anyway and thank you for saying that.”

Fernando gave a slight shrug.

“Mark did not call me. Is no problem. I say what I think.”

 

With that he nodded and walked away, leaving Sebastian feeling slightly stunned once again. Seb turned to Daniel and puffed out some air.

“Thank you too.”

Dan shook his head.

“He's right, they were behaving like little kids in there. They should grow up and stop acting like twats. Come on, let's get back.”

 

They took a few steps away before Sebastian saw Felipe leaving and he stopped again.

“Felipe. I... Well I don't know what to say,” tried Seb.

He looked at Felipe; what a tough little guy he must be to have returned to racing after he had been so badly hurt. Massa had nearly been killed in that crash. It must have taken great bravery to get back in the car after that.

“You do not need to say anything,” accepted Felipe.

“No I do. Thank you.”

Seb paused.

“You know that's going to get around now. That you saw a psychiatrist.”

Felipe shrugged.

“So what? I am not ashamed. Why should I be? He passed me as okay to come back and race.”

He gave Sebastian a wry smile.

“I think you must pass too, or you would not be here, eh?”

Daniel slapped a hand down on Seb's shoulder, answering for him.

“Course he did. He's fine. Cheers Felipe.”

Sebastian merely nodded again. He wasn't about to mention that his fitness to race had never been a topic of discussion with his therapist. As he and Daniel started to make their way back Sebastian wondered whether Henry had considered that a factor. If he had really been concerned Seb supposed his therapist could have got in touch with Dr. Phillips who had set them up together in the first place.

 

 

“Hey Seb, wait up.”

Sebastian turned and saw Lewis had caught them up.

“Sorry, I meant to come and sit with you. I was running late, there was some stuff with the team,” excused Lewis.

“It's fine,” accepted Seb.

They were still walking along the paddock, thankfully there were few people left around by this time.

“Are you alright? What happened in there... that was really crappy of him to say that. I mean talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I don't want to be anywhere near Maldonado on the track...”

Lewis was looking at him, waiting for Sebastian to respond.

“You're not the only one,” conceded Seb.

“Everyone knows he's a bloody hazard,” chipped in Daniel.

“Yeah,” continued Lewis. “So, umm, you're alright? I meant to come and see you, but everyone said your family's here, so...”

“It's fine. I got your text, thanks. Sorry I didn't reply.”

Lewis shook his head.

“Mark did. No that's... It's no problem.”

 

He glanced at Daniel on Seb's other side.

“I can't believe all that stuff, in the papers...”

Sebastian looked at him.

“You want to ask me if it's true?”

Lewis's face fell.

“No, I wasn't going to ask. I know they'll print anything...”

 

Seb shook his head. What was the point in denying it? If Lewis was his friend he should tell him the truth. He looked at him directly.

“It's true.”

“Oh.”

“You might as well know.”

“Yeah.”

Lewis looked awkward.

“I... Right... that's... well that's... I can't believe it... that's awful. Shit Seb, I'm sorry.”

Sebastian shrugged, what was there to say?

“I'm really sorry. Jeez. All that going on and you were still racing?”

Seb just shrugged again, he couldn't tell Lewis he had raced through worse before.

“Bloody hell. No wonder you, well...”

 

Lewis stopped himself, but Sebastian knew what he meant; 'No wonder you were in therapy'. God, they really had no idea.

Regathering himself, Lewis ploughed on, trying to think of something helpful to say.

“You know there's a psychologist at Mercedes, for the team, I mean I've not been to him, but people do, they don't say who obviously, but it's meant to help them work better and stuff.”

Lewis wasn't sure if he should ask, but he did anyway.

“Did it help you?”

They were outside the RedBull motorhome now so they stopped. Sebastian regarded Lewis and answered.

“Yeah. It did.”

 

He looked at Lewis waiting for his judgement, to find out if he really was the friend Seb hoped he was.

Lewis nodded slowly.

“Right, well, that's all that matters then isn't it?” offered Lewis.

Seb hid his relief at hearing a positive response.

“I guess. I'm not sure everyone agrees.”

Lewis pulled a face.

“Fucking idiots the lot of them. Right Dan?”

“Absolutely,” chimed in Daniel.

“Thanks.”

“Man, I thought the papers gave _me_ a hard time.”

 

Lewis huffed and shook his head. It was prejudice, plain as day. They'd deny it he knew, but Lewis knew well enough what it was when he saw it and it wasn't cool. Not cool at all.

 

Daniel started to move to go in and Lewis leant in a little closer.

“If you wanted to talk, I mean I know your family's here and everything, but maybe some other time...”

“That's very kind. Thank you. I mean it,” acknowledged Sebastian.

“Don't let them get to you, okay? That's the best way to tell them where to stick it, all that shit.”

Seb nodded.

“Thanks. Really. It means a lot.”

He glanced at Daniel hovering by the door to go in.

“I should go, Mark's waiting.”

“Oh yeah, course. Well, if you want to talk sometime, you can always call me, that would be okay you know?”

“Thank you.”

Lewis smiled, feeling relieved that he had got across what he wanted to.

“Good luck tomorrow.”

“Thanks. You too.”

 

Seb went on in. He knew Mark would hit the roof when he heard what had happened at the briefing, but at least Seb knew he wasn't without support. Not everybody despised him and thought he'd lost his mind. Just some of them.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBC
> 
> The weekend is just getting started...


	59. Swimming Against The Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On to the rest of the weekend...

* * *

  
  


 

 

By Saturday morning Seb arrived at the track feeling a little better about things. Once he had told him what had been said at the drivers' briefing Mark's reaction had been just as furious as he expected and Sebastian found himself being the one to calm Mark and play the situation down. He didn't want to think what would happen if Mark ran into either Perez or Maldonado in the paddock. Nothing good, that was for sure. Seb finally convinced Mark that he just wanted to forget the whole matter and concentrate only on himself and his racing and Mark found that impossible to argue against.

Pacifying Mark did at least help Sebastian view things slightly more positively as it encouraged him to highlight the support he had received from some unexpected quarters. He'd been backed by Charlie as well, so Seb took that as meaning he had official endorsement. The next day Seb knew he could take that with him, plus he had his whole family due at the track. He didn't think he had ever had so many of them all at a race together before. There was going to be a small army of Vettels crowding into the motorhome and they were all on his side. That was something. Quite a lot in fact.

 

 

 

 

Before third practice Mark stood back slightly and let Sebastian get on with greeting all his family. He looked pleased to see them which was good, as yesterday Mark had gained the impression that Seb was worrying more about them than simply taking it as support that they wanted to be there.

Jan came over to him at the edge of the group and shook his hand.

“Mark. Long time no see,” he greeted.

“Christmas seems a very long time ago,” replied Mark.

Jan laughed. “I'll bet.”

He smiled over at his girlfriend squashing Seb to death.

“You'll forgive me if I say we weren't hugely surprised, about you and Seb?” proposed Jan as they found some seats and pulled a couple of tables together.

Mark shook his head.

“I think the only ones who were surprised were me and Seb.”

The two of them sat down as the rest continued to make a fuss of Sebastian.

Jan shrugged at Mark.

“A good surprise I think. Sometimes you do not choose family, they choose you.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Have I been chosen?”

“Oh I think so.”

 

As if on cue Fabian fell into a seat next to the pair of them.

“Alright Mark?”

“Not too bad Fabian. How are you?”

“Good. Am I getting to go in the garage again today?”

Jan raised an eyebrow to see the way Fabian was looking to Mark to be in charge, but Mark just smiled and replied that was up to his brother.

 

Once they had settled down and got a few drinks, Sebastian tried to lean over towards Mark from where he was pinned between his sisters.

“It's going to be a squeeze in the garage,” Seb noted.

“I can always stay and watch in your room?” offered Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No.”

That was not an option. He needed to know Mark was there supporting him.

“Jan and I can watch from here,” proposed Stefanie.

“But you've come to watch me?”

“We will be watching you. It's fine. I'm not great with the fumes in the garage when they're working on the cars anyway,” excused his sister.

“You're sure?”

“Yes we'll be fine here, won't we?”

Jan nodded.

“It's no problem Seb, we came to see you, not the cars,” he pointed out.

“Oh, okay.”

It was a nice point to make, thought Sebastian.

 

His other sister leaned into him.

“I'm still coming. I'm relying on you to introduce me to any of the good-looking mechanics.”

Mark laughed.

“I think you might be disappointed Mel, they're thin on the ground.”

“Oh damn. Wasted journey then,” complained Melanie.

“Are you going to head home Mel?” asked Sebastian.

She shrugged. “Think I might just check it out for myself first, I'm not sure you and Mark are looking at anyone but each other.”

Melanie grinned and gave her brother a little bump with her arm. Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he was privately very glad that she had gone back to teasing him again.

Sebastian glanced at the clock on the wall which suggested that they had better make a move, so they headed off leaving his eldest sister and her partner behind to, as his mother put it; 'mind the fort'.

 

As they sorted themselves out in the garage Seb had to admit that it was probably for the best they hadn't all come, but Mark reminded him that there would be more room on race day when the cars wouldn't need to be coming in and out of the garage all day. With luck at any rate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The session didn't go too badly. Fifth was nothing special, particularly when Daniel was sitting in third, but it was reasonable. Now Sebastian was thinking he just had to get through the media commitments that followed and he could get back to his family and fit in a bit of lunch before qualifying. Britta checked he was alright and Sebastian nodded and set his face, preparing to talk about how things were looking. Surely they would have more to ask about than his private life now?

 

 

 

The TV screens in the motorhome played out the post-session interviews with drivers and Seb's family looked up to see Sebastian appear on screen. His face was blank and impassive and he sounded frayed as he answered the interviewer's questions. Sebastian was doing his best to answer valid inquiries about whether his set-up was different to his team-mate's, but what the programme didn't show was all the previous questions that Seb had just rebuffed from other reporters who refused to let the idea go that his personal problems were affecting his ability to drive and one who had the audacity to imply Sebastian had sought therapy to 'overcome' his sexuality.

He had managed to shoot the idea down without sounding as angry as Sebastian really was that someone could suggest such a thing and Britta had found her candidate to make an example of, but no matter how hard he tried to set it aside and move on, Seb was feeling embattled and he couldn't hide it. He gave as short an answer to the latest question as he politely could and signalled Britta to pull him out. Seb needed to get away and rebuild himself with his family for a while if he was going to be in any state to give a good showing in qualifying.

 

 

The shot changed to show the line up of presenters giving their verdict and Mark sighed to see it was Eddie Jordan about to give his 'considered opinion'.

“Well I have to say, that was pretty telling. Sebastian just doesn't look like he wants to be here this weekend,” opined Eddie.

DC pulled a face.

“It's hardly surprising in the circumstances.”

“No one ever said the paddock was comfortable place to be. All we've found out recently might explain Vettel's difficulties last year, but he can't expect special treatment...”

“Is that fair?” interrupted Suzi.

Eddie shrugged.

“Life's not fair. F1 certainly isn't. If Sebastian doesn't like it, there's no shortage of whippersnappers in the RedBull stable who are itching to take his seat.”

 

Mark was personally itching to hurl his coffee cup at the screen.

Sebastian's family were all shaking their heads and expressing their unhappiness.

Seb's mother looked at Mark.

“How can he say things like that?”

Mark sighed.

“It's what he does. EJ likes winding people up.”

Heike looked horrified.

“But it's not right.”

“No. It's not.”

On screen David was arguing with Eddie, but Seb's family weren't really paying attention any more.

Mark looked at Fabian's tightly unhappy face by his side.

“Ignore him. Nobody takes Eddie Jordan seriously. Come on, let's get lunch sorted, Seb won't have long before he has to go to quali. Give me a hand Fabe.”

 

Mark took Fabian with him to the bar to place their lunch orders and used the time to appraise Seb's little brother of the fact that everybody knew Eddie talked out of his arse and tried to cheer him up by recounting some of the stupidest things he could recall EJ saying. He waited until Fabian returned to the table with some more drinks and then quietly asked the manager to switch the channel over to Sky, hoping that might be slightly better.

As he was distracted on the other side of the hospitality area Mark failed to notice Heike going through the door to meet Sebastian coming back.

 

 

 

Seb saw his mother open the motorhome door and step out and instantly wished she hadn't. There was a group of reporters lurking in wait for him and as soon as they saw Sebastian approaching they started shouting questions and his mother came towards him, turning on the crowd and angrily telling them to leave her son alone. He rushed up to her.

 

“No mum, just leave it, go in,” Sebastian instructed.

“They can't treat you this way, it's not right,” argued Heike.

Seb tried to turn his mother around to get her back inside but the reporter had been enlivened now and started throwing questions at Heike.

 

“Mrs Vettel.”

“Mrs Vettel!”

“Frau Vettel.”

“Mrs Vettel are you happy your son is gay?”

“Mrs Vettel what do you think of Mark?”

“Why was Seb in therapy?”

“Are you proud of your son Mrs Vettel?”

 

Heike looked shocked by the onslaught.

“Of course I'm proud of my son,” she asserted.

Sebastian stood in front of her and spoke quietly.

“Mum, please go inside.”

 

He managed to get the door open and she went through, but the questions were still being shouted. Something inside Seb snapped and he turned back around and looked at the journalists in front of him. He'd seen some of these guys around for years, been on the same flights as them, done interviews with them, made jokes that they'd laughed along with. They weren't just the tabloids, this was the paddock press.

Seb shook his head and spoke in a voice somewhere between anger and sadness.

“That is my  _mother_. That is not okay. You're better than this. You should be  _better_  than this.”

 

The mob quieted for a moment, surprised to hear Sebastian respond in such a raw manner when they were so accustomed to this world of controlled PR-speak. He looked out at them with his face set, but his eyes were wide and earnest as though Seb was genuinely shocked that they could let themselves down in such a manner.

One or two had the basic decency to look slightly ashamed of themselves, but within another minute the group started bombarding him with questions again.

 

There was a hand on his shoulder and Seb turned to see that Mark had spotted what was happening and rushed outside as fast as he could. Mark glowered at the group and turned Seb around, keeping his arm round Sebastian's shoulder as he pulled him inside, cameras flashing and voices shouted.

The door slammed shut behind them, closing off the bedlam. Seb folded himself into Mark who wrapped his arms around him.

“Fuck,” Seb breathed into Mark's shoulder.

Mark rubbed his back.

“It's alright, come on.”

Seb pulled back and took a deep breath. Mark nodded at him.

“It's okay,” reassured Mark.

Sebastian pushed a long breath out.

 

Mark kept himself calm himself for Seb's sake. He knew the media would be all over that little moment and they'd doubtless taken blurry photos through the glass to capture him comforting Sebastian.

“It's my fault. I was at the bar, I didn't see your mum go out, I'd have stopped her,” explained Mark.

Seb shook his head and sighed.

“It's not your fault. It's their fault.”

 

He glanced back outside and shook his head at their behaviour. Seb puffed another breath out and looked over at his family who were all stood up looking at them. The two of them went over and Sebastian gave his mother a reassuring hug while she ran on, upset at what had occurred.

Sebastian sat himself down and did his best to pull himself together in front of his family.

“It's alright Mum, it's how they are right now. Just... just don't speak to them okay?”

Heike frowned and shook her head, still slightly in shock.

“I don't know how they can treat people that way.”

Norbert looked at her.

“Britta said not to speak to them didn't she? It only encourages them.”

“Well I...” Heike huffed. “It's not right.”

“No it's not, but you have to leave it Mum, okay?”

His mother was still scowling, but she nodded compliance.

Their food arrived and they all took the opportunity to distract themselves. Under the table Mark gave Sebastian's hand a squeeze.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Up in his room Seb was getting himself ready for qualifying. He was fussing about, and it didn't take much insight from Mark to realise Sebastian was still upset about the earlier incident.

He put a hand on Seb's shoulder and gave it a rub.

“All set then?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark raised an eyebrow doubting they should leave it at that.

“Look, don't worry about before,” Mark tried.

Seb looked down and sighed, the façade dropping.

“It's just something else for them to use against me.”

“Don't worry about it.”

“They're going to say it's evidence I've cracked,” Seb lamented.

“Seb.”

“They will.”

Mark shook his head.

“Britta shouldn't have left you alone.”

“She's apologised. It wasn't her fault anyway. She was busy and I told her I was fine to come back on my own. I shouldn't have lost my cool with them. It was just that coming on top of everything else.”

“You were defending your mum Seb.”

“I should have just gone in. I shouldn't have said anything. I just...”

Sebastian let out a long sigh and Mark pulled him over to sit on the bed.

 

“Let it go, okay? I know it's easier said than done, but try to forget it.”

Seb closed his eyes and nodded. Mark put his arm around him and gave him a squeeze.

“Just put it to one side and let Britta deal with the media. You concentrate on quali.”

Sebastian opened his eyes and nodded at Mark.

“I'm alright in the car, it's out of it, they just won't let up. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I say I can't talk about stuff, they just keep on at me.”

“I know. It's shit, but you've simply got to get through it,” Mark advised.

“Yeah.”

“Just stick by Britta and say what she tells you to. Just do whatever you have to to get by. Don't worry what anyone is thinking.”

Mark tried a smile on him.

“Isn't that what you always said? Just say what you have to say and remember it'll be over soon.”

Seb nodded.

“I just want this whole weekend to be over to be honest,” Sebastian admitted.

“Yeah I know. It will be soon. Just keep going like you said, okay, just keep going and you'll get through.”

“Okay,” agreed Seb, not sounding entirely convinced.

 

Mark hugged him closer, then spied something on the table that gave him an idea. He let go of Sebastian and nipped over to pick up the sharpie pen left from a previous race weekend's signing session. He sat back down and took a hold of Sebastian's left arm, pushing the sleeve up and turning it so Mark could rest it palm upwards.

Seb frowned at him, wondering what on earth he was doing, when Mark rubbed his thumb over Seb's wrist a moment before drawing on it with the marker pen. Sebastian's brow furrowed even deeper until Mark finished and moved his arm further round so that Seb could see what Mark drawn on the inside of his wrist.

It took Seb a moment, but then a smile crept onto his face. It was a little fish.

He looked up at Mark.

“Just keep swimming.”

“Yeah mate, just keep swimming,” confirmed Mark.

 

Sebastian smiled properly and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

Mark looked at him seriously.

“You can do this. Just do your thing in the car and keep going through the rest of it and you'll be alright,” he assured.

“And don't give up,” added Sebastian.

“Damn right.”

Sebastian sat up a little straighter.

“Okay.”

He nodded decisively.

“Right. I need to get going.”

Seb pushed his sleeve down to cover the drawing on his skin. Only he needed to know it was there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood facing the media for what seemed the billionth time this weekend. With qualifying having just been completed there was at least enough racing to discuss to occupy the minds of his interviewers and Seb was managing reasonably well to talk about how it had gone.

Sixth wasn't brilliant when Dan had achieved second, but he didn't have any spare emotion left to be to annoyed at the result. Seb was grateful he'd got into Q3 at all. Not that he could admit that to the media. Instead as another reporter asked if his form was affected by the stress he was under, out of shot Sebastian held his hands together and slid his right thumb under his sleeve, rubbing it over the little drawing Mark had done on his wrist.

Just keep swimming.

 

“We slightly mistimed my last run unfortunately. Times were very close at the end and then there was a yellow flag, so that was my chance to improve gone.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“That's how it goes sometimes.”

The reporter seemed to accept Sebastian wasn't going to rise to his point and moved on.

“Speaking of the yellow flag; Do you believe that was deliberate by Lewis?”

Seb frowned.

“Sorry?”

“Some are suggesting it is revenge for Monaco last year,” proposed the reporter.

“Oh. Well I didn't see it, but no I don't believe Lewis would do anything underhand.”

Britta moved him on, thinking it best her charge didn't get embroiled in the latest intra-team squabbles at Mercedes.

 

 

He moved from group to group, repeating the same stock answers, reminding himself that it didn't matter if he sounded stilted and unengaged, he just had to get through this. Sebastian buried himself deep below the surface and pressed on. When questions strayed back into his personal life, Seb rebuffed them impassively, trying to keep his feelings submerged, unconsciously returning his hands together so he could keep touching the inked fish. This will all be over soon, just keep going.

 

“Sebastian, can you tell us whether it was a sports psychologist you have been seeing, or whether it was for the troubles you've had in your private life?”

 _What private life?_ Thought Seb resentfully.

“No. I'm not discussing that, sorry.”

Britta looked at the group crowding in, signalling that they should watch themselves or she would move her driver on. She indicated to the next interviewer that it was their turn, but another recorder was shoved forward and a reporter spoke instead.

 

“Sebastian, do you feel as though your sexuality is being used as a stick to beat you with?”

 

Seb felt all the air leave his body. The words swirled inside his head and everything else went away.

 

 

Mark sat forward sharply in his seat. On the TV screen above him Seb was standing stock-still. Nothing showed on his face, but Mark could see the frozen horror in Seb's eyes.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck_.

Mark ran a hand through his hair.

 _Please get him out of there Britta._ _Y_ _ou have to see he's in trouble and get him out._ _G_ _et him out right now. Please._

 

Sebastian still wasn't speaking. He couldn't get his brain to operate and he wasn't sure if he was breathing at all. His heart was pounding and his chest felt tight.

 

In the motorhome everyone was intently watching the television. Seb's mother shook her head unhappily.

“What kind of thing is that to say? I wish they wouldn't go on about it. What's it got to do with anything...”

 

Mark was staring at the screen. It felt as though minutes had passed, although it had only been seconds. He knew Seb was in trouble and there was nothing he could do to help. Britta didn't know. She had no idea what those words meant to Sebastian, no idea what it was doing to him.

Mark watched desperately trying to see if Seb's breathing altered, if his eyes went blank, looking for the signs he knew would mean Sebastian was slipping into a panic attack. That couldn't happen; live on air, in front of the whole world, that couldn't happen.

He closed his eyes for a second and prayed; Please let him be okay, please,  _please_.

If Sebastian broke down, Mark couldn't merely sit here and watch it happen. He'd have to get to him. Somehow he would have to get to Seb and rescue him.

This was killing Mark. No one else knew that Sebastian was teetering on the edge of a precipice.

 

 

 

Sebastian blinked and swallowed. His right hand was tightly gripping his left wrist although he didn't remember moving it. Seb could feel his pulse jumping against the fingers tucked in under the cuff. Fingertips pressing into his skin, the skin where the ink was, the ink that Mark had left there. The little fish.

Just keep swimming.

Just keep breathing.

Just keep going.

 

Don't let them see you fall apart.

 

 

 

Sebastian took a breath and looked at the crowd staring at him. He couldn't quite get them to come into focus and Seb didn't know who had spoken those terrible words to him. He blinked, and compelled words to come out of his mouth.

“I'm not talking about that.”

It didn't sound like his own voice and Seb felt strangely disconnected from everything. More questions were thrown at him but he couldn't hear them. It was just a cacophony of noise. He had to get out of here but Seb couldn't remember the signal he was supposed to make to tell Britta to pull him out.

 

Britta could see Sebastian blanking and the way his body-language was stiff. Time to call it a day. Some of those questions had been way too personal and many of the press weren't heeding her warnings. She was going to have to take action against a few of the worst offenders to lay down the law to the rest. It was clearly the only way they were going to learn.

“Thank you, that's it for now,” closed Britta.

She put a hand on Sebastian's arm and guided him away.

 

 

 

Seb walked away not knowing how he was putting one foot in front of the other. His whole body felt jittery and as soon as they were far enough away he stopped and put a hand against a wall to lean on.

Britta passed him a bottle of water but Sebastian couldn't seem to get the lid off so she took it back and did it for him, passing it back without comment and standing in front of Seb while he got his breath.

“I let that go on too long, I'm sorry,” apologised Britta.

Sebastian took a steadying breath and shook his head slightly.

“I forgot the signal,” he admitted quietly.

Britta gave a slight nod back, she'd have to think of a simpler one.

“I'll do what I can to sort them out, some of them go too far, they've no right to be asking such personal questions and you shouldn't have to put up with it Seb.”

Sebastian wasn't really hearing her. He felt very tired all of a sudden, he needed to be back with Mark. Seb handed the water bottle to Britta and made his body function sufficiently to keep walking, to keep moving his legs, to keep going until he got back to him.

 

 

 

 

The TV screens showed Britta leading Seb away and Mark puffed out a long breath and slowly drank his water to compose himself. The presenters on-screen were remarking on how badly Sebastian seemed to be struggling this weekend. Mark thought ruefully that they had no idea how  _well_  Seb was doing, no concept how strong he had to be just to survive. They knew nothing.

As the television team switched to discuss the spat over at Mercedes, Seb's family sat around bemoaning their unsympathetic attitude to Sebastian. Mark wasn't listening. He was trying to persuade himself not to go out and run down the paddock to meet Seb on his way back.

 

Fabian leant in towards him.

“Mark?”

Mark pulled himself together, hearing the disquiet in Fabian's voice.

“Yeah mate?”

“Is he okay? What they're all saying...”

Mark shook his head.

“Don't listen to them Fabe. Your brother's tougher than they can imagine. Okay?”

Fabian nodded. Mark had to know better than anyone on TV what Seb was really like.

 

 

 

 

The minute the doors opened and Sebastian and Britta entered the hospitality area Mark was out of his seat and had his arms around him. Seb closed his eyes, dropped his head against Mark and breathed heavily.

“You're okay, you're okay,” whispered Mark.

He held him tight for a minute. Mark could feel the trembling all through Sebastian.

 

Mark's touch calmed Seb as it always did. The feeling of his body against him fed through Seb as if Mark's strength was transfusing into his bloodstream, pumping through his veins and eventually reaching Sebastian's brain telling him he was safe, safe, safe.

 

Sebastian wanted to stay like this; wrapped up securely in Mark, but he remembered where he was and pulled away. He took another settling breath and nodded at Mark before turning to go over to see his family.

“Seb, are you alright?”

His family looked concerned and Sebastian's automatic instinct was to reassure them.

“Yeah I'm okay,” he insisted.

“Things just got a bit rough with the press there,” explained Britta.

Seb glanced at her, he'd almost forgotten she was present.

“I don't know how they can behave like that,” repeated his mother.

“Never mind about that,” distracted his father. “That was bad luck in qualifying, you were going well.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“All to play for tomorrow though, right?” continued Norbert.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah... I need to get a shower.”

 

 

He turned away and Mark accompanied him upstairs. The moment they were alone Seb crashed himself back into Mark and felt every last bit of energy sap from his body. Mark took his weight and sat him down on the bed. Seb leaned into Mark laid his head sideways on his chest, breathing heavily.

Mark's arm was around him, keeping Seb in place.

“ _Mark,_ ” let out Sebastian unsteadily.

“It's okay, it's okay. I know.”

Sebastian lifted himself to look.

“You saw?”

Mark nodded and Sebastian's face went tighter.

“Everyone will have seen. They'll have seen. They'll know.”

“No. They won't.”

“They'll know,” repeated Seb anxiously.

 

Mark looked him carefully in the eye.

“They won't Seb. You just looked uncomfortable and unhappy at the question, that's all anyone else will have seen. Nobody knows anything.”

“You're sure?”

“I'm sure. Even your family just thought it was an unfair thing to say and you didn't like it, that's all.”

“But the reporter...”

“It was just a poor choice of language,” insisted Mark.

“You're sure?”

Mark nodded.

“I'm sure. Nobody knows, okay. Just you and me. Nobody else.”

 

He rubbed Sebastian's arm and Seb released a shaky breath, trying not to cry.

“It's okay, it's okay sweetheart. You did good. You held on, you kept going.”

“I thought I was going to fall, I nearly, nearly...”

Sebastian swallowed hard.

“I know, but you didn't. You did great. You didn't give in, you hung on. You're so strong,” Mark praised.

Sebastian snatched a breath.

“I'm not strong.”

“Yeah mate you are. You're incredible.”

Nobody knew apart from Mark how strong Sebastian was, the battles he fought and what it took from him, no one but Mark.

 

Sebastian's breath was still uneven.

“Why don't we lie down for a bit?” suggested Mark, and Seb nodded compliance.

His body still wasn't working properly so Mark removed his race-suit for Seb and helped him crawl into place on the bed dressed only in his long Nomex race underwear, lying curled into Mark who lay with his back to the door as if blocking off the world outside.

 

 

 

Seb knew he should get a shower and go down to spend time with his family to make sure they knew he was alright. But he wasn't alright. He needed Mark to hold on to him, needed to feel him there until his subconscious accepted the fact that he was out of danger.

“Can we stay here just a little bit longer?” requested Sebastian quietly.

“No problem,” agreed Mark.

Seb closed his eyes and felt his body relax. It felt as though Mark was the only person who wasn't asking things of him this weekend; not asking for his time, not asking for results, not asking endless questions. Instead Mark just gave; reassurance, comfort, support, love.

Seb let out a long sigh. It was okay. He was okay.

 

 

After what felt like a very long time Sebastian pushed himself up. His long-sleeved shirt was sticking to his back and he realised that he must have sweated more than he realised. He wanted to wash all that away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Britta knocked on the door and entered when called. Sebastian was still towel-drying his hair but he was changed into casual RedBull t-shirt and shorts. She was relieved to see that he looked improved for the short break he'd had.

 

“Hey,” she greeted. “So you know you still have the autograph session?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark made an unimpressed 'Hmm'.

Britta looked at Mark, but returned to address Seb.

“If you really aren't up for it, we could cry off?”

Sebastian shook his head. He couldn't do that, he'd be letting people down, and besides how would it look?

“No it's okay.”

Mark turned into him.

“You're sure?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah it's okay. It's fans, it's not the same as the press. I'll be alright.”

Mark pushed aside his worries. He didn't want to contradict Seb and suggest that he thought he wasn't alright.

“Okay,” Mark agreed.

“We won't stay too long,” assured Britta.

 

She planned to stick as closely by Seb as she could and make sure he didn't have to go through any more than strictly necessary. Britta was still angry with herself for letting Seb walk back from the garage on his own before lunch. That unpleasant little encounter with the mob would never have happened if she had been with Sebastian. Her mistake for thinking that he was doing better than he was and that all the press would still have been back at the pen. She should have known Sebastian was far too well-practised at putting on a positive front. This afternoon had showed that he was actually having a very hard time, however much Seb refused to admit it. She had to do a better job of protecting him, even if that meant protecting him from himself.

 

Sebastian stood up.

“Yep. Okay. I just need five minutes with my family first.”

“Fine. They're staying tonight?” checked Britta.

Sebastian nodded. The plan was that they would have a big family meal with everyone this evening and then despite the fact it was his home race they were going to stay at the hotel to avoid trekking back and forth again and to avoid any potential traffic en route to the track in the morning.

“Yeah.”

“I'll make sure you're back in good time,” confirmed Britta.

“Thanks. Mark?”

“Yeah.”

Mark got up and prepared himself to go down to sit with Seb's family again. They'd doubtless be wondering why they had stayed up here all this time. He'd have to tell them Seb just needed a lie down after quali. It actually wasn't untrue.

 

Seb picked up his cap and sunglasses. He'd need them. Fans weren't the same as the press, but it was still another thing he would have to get through, he needed whatever armour he had. The little fish was faded after showering, but it was still there on his wrist. Sebastian wondered if people would notice it. He wasn't going to tell anyone what it meant. It meant everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later Seb was settling in on the sofa in their bedroom at the hotel. He'd survived the signing session with the fans, faking his smiles and hiding the fact that those smiles didn't really reach his eyes behind his reflective sunglasses. No one had been rude to him and Britta had made sure that the organisers kept the queue moving quickly so Seb didn't have to spend too long talking to people, just long enough to be polite. That would do. For this weekend that had to be enough.

They'd had their family meal in the restaurant at the hotel. There were plenty of other F1 personnel about, but Sebastian felt protected in the mass of his family. Mark had earlier dropped a hint to Jan that it might be a good idea if they could find topics to discuss other than Seb and racing, Jan had spoken to his girlfriend and Stefanie had collared her parents when they were coming down after checking into their rooms. Seb knew it was deliberate, but it was a relief to have an hour or so where he could forget about everything and hear about ordinary real life.

His family couldn't fail to notice that Sebastian was quiet, but it didn't take much to work out that today had been a strain on him, so they didn't push him to talk. Nor did they complain when as soon as the meal was over he and Mark excused themselves saying they needed get up early before the race. They simply confirmed their plans for the morning and wished them good night.

 

 

 

 

There was a tap on the door and Mark who had been fetching a couple of bottles of water, went over and opened it. He smiled and turned back to Seb who was looking over from where he sat.

“We have a waif and stray,” announced Mark.

“Hmm?” frowned Sebastian.

 

Mark opened the door further and ushered Seb's little brother in.

“Umm, hey. Can I come in?” asked Fabian.

“Sure,” consented Sebastian.

 

Fabian wandered further into the room, past the bed towards his brother in the living area.

“They're all still sat around downstairs being boring. Are you going to bed now?”

He sounded hopeful that they might not be. It was only half past eight. Surely even racing drivers didn't go to bed this early?

Sebastian smiled and raised an eyebrow at Mark who looked over from where he stood and shrugged, telling Seb it was his brother and his call.

“No we're going to watch a film first,” explained Sebastian.

“Right, so, umm, can I stay and watch it with you?”

Mark was smiling and shaking his head. Seb's brother sounded so pathetically optimistic, how could they turn him away? He was pretty sure Fabian just wanted to spend some time with his brother.

“Yeah go on,” conceded Sebastian.

Fabian smiled.

“Excellent.”

 

He dropped himself down onto the sofa next to Seb. Mark shut the door and collected up an extra bottle of water for Fabian. He went over to the sofa and handed it to him, looking at Fabian expectantly.

Fabian took the bottle and then realised Mark was waiting for him to move.

“Our room, our sofa,” pointed out Sebastian.

Fabian stood up and frowned.

“Where am I supposed to sit then?”

 

Mark went and scooped up all the excess pillows that hotels always seemed to stash in cupboards, then dumped them in a heap on the floor.

“Hmm, yeah alright,” accepted Fabian, making himself a comfy pile to relax on.

 

 _Good boy,_ thought Mark. He didn't mind Sebastian's little brother crashing their evening, but the plan was to chill out and cuddle up with Seb on the sofa. Having Fabian on the sofa with them was definitely not a part of that plan.

Mark resumed his place by Sebastian and pressed play on the remote control. Seb moved in so he could lie against Mark with his feet tucked up on the cushions, Mark putting his arm around him, making Seb feel happier and more at ease than he had done in quite a while.

 

Fabian turned and looked at them. It was still a little strange seeing his brother so close with Mark, but they obviously loved each other very much. Seb hadn't been himself all day. It was nice to see him finally looking better. Mark did that, he could tell. Mark made his brother happy and helped him be okay. How could anybody think that was wrong?

 

“So what are we watching then?” wondered Fabian.

“Hmm? Oh 'Toy Story',” volunteered Sebastian.

Fabian pulled a face.

“'Toy Story'? That's a kids' film,” he protested.

Mark was tempted to point out that Fabian  _was_  a kid, but instead he stated.

“My choice. Hey, if you don't fancy it...”

“Oh. No no, 'Toy Story' is cool. That's fine,” retracted Fabian.

Mark huffed a silent laugh against Seb. Youth of today; so fickle.

He slouched down a little lower making himself comfortable and rested his cheek on top of Sebastian's head. This was easily the best part of their day.

 

 

 

By the time the credits rolled Sebastian was almost asleep leaning on Mark.

Fabian turned to them.

“Have you got the 'Toy Story 2'? Can we put that on next?” he requested.

Mark chuckled at his enthusiasm and Seb was roused by the movement of Mark's chest and stirred himself to sit up.

“'nother time mate. Think it's late enough for us now.”

As Seb moved off him Mark sat forward. He'd drunk too much of that water.

“Just gonna nip to the loo,”Mark excused.

 

Sebastian rubbed his face to wake himself enough to sort things out ready to go to bed. He'd been quite tempted to fall asleep as he was, happily tucked up with Mark on the sofa, but that would not be good for him before a race. He needed a proper night's rest.

Fabian hauled himself up from his little nest on the floor and crossed the room to sink onto the sofa next to his brother.

“You okay?” checked Fabian.

“Hmm? Yeah, nearly fell asleep then,” explained Seb.

Fabian nodded, but as Sebastian's brain woke up he realised from the expression on his brother's face that that wasn't what he was referring to.

“It's just been a really long day,” excused Sebastian.

Fabian nodded again and Seb thought that his brother deserved more than him fobbing him off.

 

Seb shrugged.

“Tough day... Tough couple of days.”

He huffed a humourless laugh.

“Tough week, tough couple of weeks.”

 

His brother looked anxious and Seb hated it. This was so hard. He didn't know how to be honest with him without distressing his little brother.

Sebastian sighed, trying think how to explain it.

“It's just wearing, you know? All this stuff I don't want to talk about and it seems to be all media want to discuss. It's hard work just telling them over and over that I won't go into it. I know that sounds stupid...”

“No it doesn't,” interrupted Fabian.

“No?”

“No. It's horrible. I wish they'd stop.”

Seb nodded. He suddenly felt a lump in his throat, but he pushed it away.

“I wish they'd stop too. I just want to get on with my job and drive.”

“Yeah.”

Fabian still looked concerned and Sebastian wanted to reassure him.

“It'll pass. They'll lose interest eventually and Britta's going to try to manage it a bit more. It'll be okay.”

Fabian nodded, then scrunched his face up, wondering if it was wrong to ask.

“Would it have been better if you hadn't come out?”

He wondered if his brother would have been left alone then and things could have continued as normal.

 

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. This is shitty to go through, but we were always going to have to come out. I think even if we'd done what we planned, it would have ended up this way sooner or later and we couldn't just stay hidden forever. We'd have been miserable.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It was really awful having to hide. Pretending why Mark was there and having to be weird around one another. Awful. It made me so paranoid we'd be found out and I think that would have been very bad for us in the long run. Besides, people were working it out already. We'd never have kept it secret for long.”

Fabian nodded. That did sound stressful.

“And it wasn't right that we had to hide anyway. You don't think that's right do you?”

“Of course not.”

“No. Well...”

Sebastian shrugged and let out another long sigh.

 

“It's just how things are. I think maybe we just have to go through this to get to the other side and then we'll be okay.”

“Okay,” agreed Fabian quietly. “It's still not fair.”

“No. But we'll be okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. We'll be okay.” Sebastian glanced towards the bathroom. “Mark helps me see that. He's always so certain. It helps me be certain too. He always makes me feel better about things.”

Sebastian wondered how that must sound to his brother.

“Does that sound weird?”

“No, it's good,” confirmed Fabian.

It wasn't hard to see how Mark did that. He always managed to make him feel better. Fabian knew it was rather different for his brother, but even so.

 

He dared asking more.

“Seb, your therapist. He made you feel better too, right?”

“Yes. He's helped a lot. With different things. Like telling you all I was gay and stuff. That was really hard.”

Fabian frowned and Seb gave a wry smile.

“I was so scared how you'd react. He helped me know it'd be alright. Mark too of course, but Henry helped.”

“Why were you scared? Of us?”

“I just didn't know what you'd think of me. What Mum and Dad would say. Not every family is as good you know.”

“But it's alright,” insisted Fabian.

Seb nodded.

“I know that now. I just worried too much. He helped me get over that. Lots of other things too. He just helped me.”

 

Fabian looked confused.

“So why is that bad? I don't understand why they're making such a fuss if it's just something helping you.”

Seb gave half-shrug.

“Who knows? It makes me different again. Some people don't understand things that are different, and what they don't understand frightens them, so they retaliate by making you feel bad about it,” explained Sebastian.

Fabian pulled a face.

“Sounds like they're the ones that need therapy.”

Sebastian laughed.

“I think you have that right.”

 

He leant over and gave his brother a tight hug. As he let go of him, Seb looked over to see Mark stood in the light of the bathroom leaning against the doorway, cleaning his teeth.

Fabian got up off the sofa.

“Spose I'd better go.”

Sebastian got up too and nodded.

“We'll see you in the morning.”

Mark turned and quickly washed out his mouth in time to give Fabian a little wave off. It crossed his mind that he ought to offer to walk Seb's little brother back to his room, but Fabian was sixteen, he was old enough to look after himself. He reminded himself that Fabian wasn't quite the child that Mark often thought he was, he was handling all this very maturely in his own way. There were many others who could learn from him.

 

Once the door was shut behind his brother Sebastian went over and pressed himself into Mark's body as they stood there. It just felt nice and Mark automatically sent his arms around Seb to hold him in.

“Tired?” wondered Mark.

Seb pulled away a fraction to look at him.

“Yeah.”

“Bed then.”

Mark looked at Seb carefully. He didn't want to ask if he was worried about tomorrow in case mentioning it had the effect of putting the worries back at the forefront of Seb's mind.

“Okay?” Mark checked more vaguely.

Seb nodded.

“Good,” affirmed Mark. “Just think; When we next go to bed we'll be at home.”

“That's a nice thought.”

“Yeah mate. Home soon,” assured Mark.

It couldn't come soon enough for either one of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Sunday morning Sebastian stood in his boss's office in the motorhome. They'd already been through their pre-race preparations in the garage and all Seb really had to do now was to change into his race-gear before heading back.

“All looking good then Sebi?” checked Christian.

“Yeah I think so,” agreed Sebastian.

“Good, good. Britta informs me that you've a clear schedule, so you should be able to just concentrate on getting ready and we'll see where we can get today,” encouraged Christian.

Seb nodded. Britta had already told him that she was going to keep all media away ahead of the race today. She'd also had a firm word with all the presenters who would be on the grid right before the start and made sure that they understood not to even try approaching Sebastian. At least those in this group were generally more aware of their privileged position and unlikely to break their word.

 

 

Christian looked over at the door closing behind Seb as he left. Sebastian still still seemed quiet which worried him, but sadly came as no surprise. This weekend was clearly an ordeal for Seb. He didn't want to add to the pressure on him by setting unrealistic expectations and demanding results when Christian suspected that might finally cause his driver to crack. He wasn't about to admit it to either Helmut or indeed Sebastian himself, but Christian was already thinking of the German Grand Prix as a write-off. The result was less important than Seb simply showing up and being seen to be getting on with the job.

Britta was planning her clampdown and Christian had been using whatever political clout he had to use that influence to whisper in the ears of those who mattered, reminding them that not only was Sebastian a quadruple world champion but he'd never had any kind of bad reputation on the track and insisting that they as a team had no concerns about his fitness to race and so neither should they. If he was being absolutely honest Christian would have to admit that wasn't entirely true this weekend, Seb looked tired and stressed whenever he was out of the car, but there had been no major issues once he was actually driving. It would be the summer break soon enough and once Seb had had a proper rest and all this had died down, Christian hoped things would return to normal, or at least as normal as things ever got around here.

 

 

 

 

 

Back upstairs Sebastian changed and thought he'd done just about everything he could to put himself in a positive mind-frame, getting a little time with his family beforehand and making sure he was clear on everything his engineers had run through.

He sat down on the bed next to Mark and pushed up his sleeve.

“Would you do it again?” Seb requested.

Mark looked at the faint shape that lingered on Sebastian's wrist, and nodded. He found the pen and carefully re-drew the little fish. Seb had told him how much it had helped yesterday. Sebastian had insisted that it had saved him, though Mark maintained that Seb had been the one to keep himself together. The truth was perhaps a little of both. No doubt anyone else would think it strange, but neither of them cared. Whatever worked, whatever got them through.

 

“Thanks.”

Seb looked at the drawing for a moment, then covered it up with his sleeve.

“Okay, so are you alright to bring everyone down in a bit?” asked Sebastian.

“Sure. You just do whatever you need to and I'll look after the troops, alright?”

Seb nodded, glad that at least he didn't need to worry about his family being taken care of. Mark could read the tension that remained in him though, so he raised his hand and placed it on Sebastian's cheek.

“Don't worry too much about the result today, okay?”

Seb closed his eyes for a second to absorb the feeling of the contact. He inhaled a nice long breath and opened his eyes to look at Mark.

 

“Okay.”

He gave Mark a little conspiratorial smile.

“Are we meant to admit that?”

Mark moved his hand to rest on Seb's arm.

“Ah well, just this weekend, eh? I know you'll get what you can.”

Mark didn't want to say that he thought if Seb could make it to the chequered flag today he would consider it a huge success in the circumstances.

Seb stood up.

“I really do have to go now.”

Mark copied him and stood to give Seb a hug.

“Right, well remember we're all going to be there in the garage supporting you, okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

One last squeeze and a kiss and Mark had to let Seb go. It was very hard to let him go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb's family sat around killing time in the hospitality area waiting for when they had agreed they would go down to the garage immediately before the race so that they weren't underfoot as the team made their final preparations.

Mark spied DC popping in to use the bathroom and although he knew he shouldn't, he waited a moment before walking over to wait outside in the corridor by the toilet doors.

The moment David walked out again, Mark pounced.

“Can I have a word?”

David sighed reluctantly.

“Mark...”

He knew well enough where this was going.

“Seriously, can't you do something to stop Eddie saying all that stuff about Seb?” implored Mark.

David gave a shake of his head.

“I can't control what Eddie says. Hell, I don't think  _Eddie_  can control what Eddie says half the time,” he admitted dryly.

Mark glared angrily at him.

“Not everything is a fucking  _joke_  for god's sake!”

 

DC looked taken aback by his friend almost shouting at him. He was about to defend himself when it struck him just how stressed Mark was. He took a hold of Mark's elbow and tried to encourage him to move further down the corridor out of the way towards the fire exit at the end. He was pretty sure neither one of them wanted to create a scene.

Mark shook loose his hold and was about to protest when he saw the look on David's face and realised he wasn't being confrontational.

“Hey, calm down, alright Mark? I know it must be hard for you this weekend.”

Mark huffed a mirthless laugh.

“You've no bloody idea.”

“No, well I guess not,” conceded David.

 

Mark pushed out a frustrated breath and leaned back against the wall, looking at his friend in anguish.

“I just can't stand what everyone is saying about Seb, what they're doing to him; The media, everyone... they're  _hounding_  him and I can't stand seeing it. I can't stand having to watch it happen and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I can't  _stand_  it,” the strain in his voice was spilling over as Mark released just a little of what he'd been holding in all weekend.

He crunched his eyes closed and tipped his head forward.

 

David shook his head to see the state Mark was in and reached out a hand to put it on his arm. Mark didn't shake it off this time, but instead sighed and looked back at DC.

“I'm sorry. I know it must be pretty horrendous for you. For both of you,” consoled David.

Mark merely gave an acknowledging tip of his head.

“Are  _you_  okay?” wondered David.

Mark looked at him.

“This is me talking, okay? I'm asking as your friend, not as whatever else I am, alright. I am still a human being even if I'm one of the media now too.”

“I think some of them forget that Seb is still a human being too,” complained Mark.

DC nodded regretfully.

“Yeah. I have actually tried to stick up for him a bit,” he defended.

“I know,” acknowledged Mark.

He sighed again.

“I know it's not everyone. It just feels that way.”

“Yeah I'm sure it does,” accepted David. “Look Mark I'll do my best for him today.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's okay. I know you have a job to do.”

DC shrugged.

“Ah fuck it, everyone always says I'm biased. I might as well commit the sin I'm accused of.”

Mark managed a smile at that.

“I should get back,” noted David.

Mark nodded. “Yeah. Sorry for having a go when you're probably the last person to deserve it.”

“Nah don't worry about it. I think you've done pretty well not to lamp some people this weekend. Sebastian's a four-time world champion, it's about time they showed him a bit more respect.”

“Thanks.” Mark paused. “DC, this conversation...”

“Is between friends and no one else, okay?” assured David.

“Thank you.”

“No problem pal. Hang in there, alright.”

 

David gave him a final reassuring pat on the arm before dashing off to where he needed to be. Mark went into the bathroom and splashed his face with water. He hadn't realised how tense and stressed out he was. Mark reflected that it was a good job that it was DC that he had blown up at rather than someone else. At least he should be able to trust him not to use that against them. Mark looked back at himself in the mirror and was relieved to see that he at least appeared the same as normal.

Time to go and round up Seb's family and head to the garage for the race. Getting through that was going to be horribly stressful too. He just hoped Seb got to the finish unscathed. Just complete the race, get the minimum possible media commitments done and go home. Mark needed this all to be over almost as much as Sebastian did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian's family were still settling into their place in the garage when Mark clocked a camera panning across and Ted Kravitz's voice floated over from the edge of the pitlane.

“And in contrast to Ricciardo's perma-grin, on the other side we have the troubled Sebastian Vettel already in his car all set to go. He may have a tricky race from sixth, but he seems to have the entire Vettel clan crammed into the garage today, so maybe that'll help him, who knows?”

 

Mark distracted himself, fiddling with his headphones and talking to Jan about a project he was working on. Anything to stop himself thinking about how the race was going to go.

 

Seb got the signal and roared out of the garage to head to the grid. The current regulations may have resulted in quieter engines, but within a confined space they still made quite a din. Mark felt every vibration rolling through his stomach. All his attempts to ignore his anxieties about Sebastian were failing miserably. As the cars exited one after the other he looked up at the TV screens which were now audible once more.

 

Martin Brundle was sharing his experienced view with the assembled group of presenters in the paddock.

“If we're going to talk about that again I've gotta tell you I'm pretty sure that if every driver there's been was psychoanalysed to check how sane they were, there'd have been some fairly empty grids over the years. Seb's always struck me as one of the more well-balanced individuals in the pack.”

“So you think they've nothing to worry about?” questioned Simon.

“I think it's nonsense,” dismissed Martin sounding so definitive that none of the rest chose to argue with him and the discussion thankfully moved on to other topics.

“Thank you,” offered Mark under his breath.

He was pretty sure that once-upon-a-time having too much sanity would have been a positive  _disadvantage_  to participating in the sport. Just how rational could you be to have driven in the days when you had a one in three chance of being killed?

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian pulled up to stop in his grid-slot from the formation lap. He filled his mind with the physical sensations from the engine and the car and shut off every other extraneous distraction. He could do this, he could be the racer, concentrating on nothing but the mechanics of driving, as if Seb was almost a part of the car and not an all too fragile person weighed down by external problems.

Racing instinct, years of experience, muscle memory, familiarity with the car and the track, his engineer in Seb's ear guiding him. He could do this. Lights out, time to prove it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once the tension of the start had passed without incident Mark attempted to settle his nerves. Sebastian was holding steady in sixth, staying clear of the jostling for position at the back and the vying for the lead going on at the front. Mark couldn't help but think this was good; Seb was staying out of trouble. If he could carry on like this Mark would be more than happy with the result. Seb was running such an uneventful race that he barely featured on the TV screens above them, so Mark and his family had to keep a close eye on the standings displayed along the bottom as well as listening in on the radio to assure themselves that all was well.

The first pitstop went smoothly, and when all the cars took their stops the order shuffled about, resulting in Sebastian, who had come in slightly earlier, now running in fourth with the two Mercedes and Daniel far enough in front to stay safely ahead. The position flattered his speed in comparison to the Mercedes engines however and soon enough the two Williams that had slipped behind were attempting to regain their previous places.

 

Massa got by easily enough on the straight. Seb kept his foot down, but with the DRS activated for Felipe there was no way he could hold him off and by the time they reached the corner Seb had accepted the loss. Bottas on the other hand missed his chances on the first few laps as Sebastian pushed hard enough before the speed trap to maintain the crucial one second gap, and for now he managed to hold him off. It might only be for fifth, but Seb could still feel satisfaction in that. Every place counted, that hadn't changed. A win might be unrealistic, but he was still going to get what he could.

After a few more laps Bottas had pulled closer and Seb could see him in his rear-view mirrors. He expected his rival to wait for his chance in the DRS zone as his team-mate had done, but it seemed Valtteri's patience had worn thin. Coming into the bend he pulled up along the inside leaving Sebastian nowhere to go, they banged wheels and the impact jolted Sebastian sideways. He could have fought to hold the angle, but that would have risked crashing completely. Seb attempted to keep two wheels on the track but the momentum carried him further out and before he knew it he was in the gravel trap, tyres flailing and stones flying up all around him. Damn, damn, damn.

 

 

 

In the garage Mark's heart plummeted. Seb was slowing on the gravel. Because they had braked for the bend at least they hadn't been travelling at full speed which could have resulted in him flying into the barriers beyond. Mark consoled himself briefly that Seb wasn't hurt, but as soon as that was established he watched fixedly trying to assess the situation. Was Seb out? Was he beached on the gravel, or had there been damage to the car?

Mark tried not to let it show on his face, but he was praying none of that was true. Seb couldn't DNF in this race, not in  _this_  race. He had to get to the end. It didn't matter if it was in last place, he just had to finish and show the world he was still in it. Mark stared even harder at the picture and listened to the radio as the engineer checked whether there was damage. Please let it be okay, he thought,  _please_.

 

 

Sebastian could feel the gravel peppering the underside and wondered what kind of damage it could be inflicting on the delicate F1 car he sat in. He was slowing, but at this angle Seb knew he was still in danger of trundling into the barriers, so he allowed the car to decelerate even more, but tried to keep it going and turn the steering wheel to pull it around back towards the track. Unfortunately the drag of loose chips meant he rolled to a halt and Sebastian had to restrain himself from slamming his hand down on the steering wheel in frustration.

Stopped. He'd fucking  _stopped_. Seb could see rival cars flying past out of the corner of his visor. He was losing positions hand over fist here. He didn't even know how many. He didn't know if the car was really damaged or not and either way his race was truly screwed now. This on top of everything? It wasn't fair. He was so fucking tired of it all that the idea of climbing out, getting back to the garage and leaving with Mark before the race was even over was incredibly appealing. He could pull a Kimi; get out a few words to the small number of media who would be about in the middle of a grand prix and be gone from the circuit before the champagne was even sprayed. Just leave and go home. Seb really wanted to go home.

 

 

His engineer was speaking in his ear telling Sebastian that he could see nothing on the telemetry to indicate anything was broken. Seb's heart was still beating so loudly from the adrenaline rush of the near crash that he could hardly hear him, but Seb cautiously revved the engine and established that it still had power. It was still going. He had to keep going. He couldn't give up. Even if the car was damaged he had to try.

That was what they always said, that was what the little fish drawn on his wrist meant; Just keep going, if you don't know what else to do, even if there's hardly any hope, just keep going.

Sebastian carefully applied pressure to the accelerator knowing that if he was too heavy-handed he would just bury the car deeper in the gravel and then he really would be screwed. At first it merely resulted in yet more stones flying up, but he did it again and got the smallest amount of traction, then a little bit more. He kept his foot in, gradually leaning just a fraction more into it and the car was finally pulling away and was crawling forwards. Yet more cars were whooshing past, but that didn't matter. Seb knew he just had to get the car back onto the tarmac and then he could really find out whether the game was up or not. He had to keep clawing his way out.

 

 

Mark had a hand on Fabian's shoulder, squeezing it without realising as he willed Sebastian on.

'Come on mate, come on, you can do this,' thought Mark furiously.

 

Agonisingly slowly the car made it's way through the gravel trap before edging back on to the track.

 

'Oh god, please let the car be in one piece,' thought both Seb and Mark at much the same time.

 

Sebastian straightened the car up and set off, trying to feel if the car was the same as before and listening as Christian came on the radio to simultaneously encourage him and check how things were. Seb learned he had dropped all the way down to fourteenth thanks to his little excursion. It was bad, but at least it wasn't last. Now to see what was salvageable from the day.

 

 

Fabian turned to look at Mark who let go of his shoulder, giving it a little pat.

“Never gives up, your brother,” smiled Mark in relief and Fabian nodded before they both returned their attention to the screen to see what happened next.

 

 

 

Within half a lap between Sebastian and his engineer they had established that there was nothing fundamentally wrong with the car other than a few stones probably having embedded themselves in the underside and the plank beneath getting a good scraping. Seb re-set his mind and thought to hell with it, he might as well see what was possible. He should scrap for whatever he could get. He was still a racer. Even with everything else that was going on, that hadn't changed.

As he approached the first of the cars that had gone past him, the forefront of Seb's mind was concentrating on operating the car and calculating what was coming up, but a small part of Sebastian's mind drifted to recall a quote he knew only too well.

_“If you no longer go for a gap that exists, you are no longer a racing driver.”_

He even heard it in a Brazilian accent in his head.

Sebastian smiled inside his helmet. He could see a gap. He was still a racing driver.

 

 

“Yes!”

Mark tightened his hand into a fist and beamed along with the rest of Seb's family in the garage. He didn't care that Sebastian's overtake had been for a measly thirteenth. That wasn't the point. The point was that Seb was fighting. He was hustling his way forwards. He hadn't given up.

 

Every place Sebastian made up increased his confidence in the car and in himself. It was a good car and it was working. He had to use it to the best of his ability to get back to a decent position. Maybe not quite the position Seb really deserved, but as good as he could get today.

Back into thirteenth, into twelfth, into eleventh. Back into tenth and back in the points. That was important. He had to at least finish in the points if nothing else.

He kept pushing, kept looking for opportunities, making opportunities, taking opportunities. Taking places; Ninth, eighth. The second pit-stops came and went and Sebastian had to re-take those last few spots yet again and regain what he had fought for. He had to force his way past the mid-fielders even if it was only to tag onto the back of the front-runners where he really belonged.

Maybe that was arrogance, a sense of entitlement bred of years of winning, of a lifetime of racing at the front, but Seb knew that he had to be that racer he had always been. He had to be a sight in the mirror that other drivers feared, that they expected to over-take them. He had to let them know that he  _belonged_  in front of them, that he was stronger than them, a better driver than them, in a better car. It was a psychological imperative; let them believe you think you are beaten and you  _are_  beaten. Show them that you are not and there was always the chance that some drivers at least would assume it was in their best interests to simply jump out of your way and concentrate on their own realistic expectations of finishing in the points. Half the battle of a race was fought in the mind.

Sebastian almost laughed at the idea he could tell interviewers that after the race; what a can of worms he would be opening there if he started to talk about the psychology of racing. Perhaps best not.

 

 

 

As they entered the last ten laps of the race many drivers started to settle down, thinking that their fates were now sealed, but Seb kept on pushing. He had to at least finish as high as he had started. He dispatched seventh neatly enough with only seven laps to go and then asked on the radio to check who was next in line.

Alonso. Of course it had to be. How many times had they had this scrap now? Fernando never gave up without a fight. He was notoriously tenacious. No way was Fernando Alonso about to leap out of Seb's way in order to play things safe. Not a chance.

Seb respected him for it, appreciated his support this weekend even when it was unasked for, but that didn't mean he was going to allow Fernando to keep that sixth place without at least trying to steal it back. Maybe he'd fail, maybe there weren't enough laps left to contest it properly, but he sure as hell was going to try.

 

Sebastian worked during the next two laps to press in tighter behind him, then he started hustling Fernando around the corners; showing a nose here and getting alongside there. He knew Fernando was aware of his presence as Seb could see him glancing in his mirrors, turning his head to see the nose of the RedBull hoving into unwelcome view.

Only three laps left and Alonso was living up to his reputation by refusing to cede an inch, but Sebastian could almost smell the overtake now. The Renault engine might not be the behemoth that the Mercedes was, but the reborn Honda was still finding its feet. Seb was sure he could take him and coming into the DRS zone he put his faith in his car, opened the DRS flap and closed up as tight as he dared to the back of the McLaren, slipstreaming in his path before jinking the steering wheel to the side and flooring the throttle.

“Yesss, got him,” celebrated Seb down the radio.

“Well done Sebi, now make sure you pull that gap,” instructed Christian.

Sebastian did as he was told and worked to ease away. No chance he wanted Alonso to sneak that place back in the dying laps of the race. No way he was giving up what he'd fought for.

 

 

The chequered flag fell and Sebastian held his sixth place. He had started sixth and he had finished sixth. On paper it would look like an uneventful race, an easy coast home. Paper told you nothing of racing.

 

“Well done Sebi, well done, good boy,” praised Christian over the radio. “Dan got third, so that's solid points for the team today, thank you.”

Christian sounded almost as thrilled as he had done for wins in the past and Sebastian had to remind himself that he had only achieved sixth place, but today that counted for a lot more than the number ranked on the screen.

 

 

In the garage Seb's family were pulling off radio headsets and chatting happily, lauding Sebastian's race.

Mark grinned at Fabian and gave a satisfied little shake of his head.

“What did I say, eh? Your brother's fucking amazing. Toughest person I've ever known and a bloody good racer too.”

He glanced at Sebastian's mother, realising that he ought to be watching his language in front of her, but Heike decided to feign deafness to the swearing and carried on talking to her daughters, secretly very happy to hear her son so appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

A couple of hours later Mark and Sebastian were walking along the thinned-out paddock to leave the circuit. They were leaving happier than either one of them had thought possible. The team had seemed reasonably satisfied and Seb's family had all made a point of telling him how pleased they were. When his father had given Sebastian a hug he had looked him in the eye and told Seb he had never been prouder of him.

Some of the reporters Seb had spoken to had asked him if he was disappointed with the result, but Sebastian had been entirely honest with them when he said he considered it to be one of his best results. If they didn't understand that he meant it, then Seb considered that to be failure on their part to appreciate that there were finer nuances to life than simply winning and losing.

 

As they walked along Mark slung his arm over Seb's shoulder and smiled at him, gaining a smile in return. Seb hadn't needed Mark to tell him how impressed he was at seeing his racing spirit remaining undimmed, or how proud Mark was of him getting through this weekend. He had done, but Seb didn't need to hear it. He could see it in Mark's eyes the minute they were back together, he could feel every bit of Mark's exhilaration and relief in the tight embrace Seb had been held in, neither one wanting to let go despite knowing Sebastian's family were waiting to get their own moment of congratulations. They had pulled apart and simply looked at one another before nodding. They both knew what today meant and what it had taken.

Others might not view finishing sixth as significant, but they knew that success came in many guises. Sometimes the most important victories were only recognised by those for whom they really mattered.

Mark squeezed Seb in a little tighter and planted a happy kiss on his cheek. Neither of them cared if anyone was watching, nor gave a fuck what they might think.

They were going home.

 

 

 


	60. Past Tense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And with barely time to draw breath it is time for the next weekend. Seb to the grand prix in Hungary, Mark to testing in Germany...

* * *

 

 

 

 

It was still in the early hours of the morning, but weak sunlight was already finding its way into their bedroom. Sebastian wanted to push that light away so they could turn back the night so he could stay here with Mark. He didn't want to think about the fact that they were going to have to be parted later today.

Sebastian's brain was too awake for him to drift back off to sleep. He shifted restlessly and tried to shove his worries aside. The movement unintentionally disturbed Mark who woke up and turned on his side to see Seb.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you,” apologised Sebastian quietly.

Mark gave a tiny shake of his head.

“You okay?”

“Mm,” allowed Sebastian non-committally.

 

Mark knew what that meant. They were both anxious about the upcoming weekend. The past few days at home had been spent doing everything they could to avoid thinking about it, but now it was an unavoidable reality.

He'd given serious consideration to telling his team that he was going to have to miss the test session altogether, but that wasn't really feasible. It would look terrible to Porsche as it would show them that he was more committed to Sebastian than he was the team. Of course that was in fact true, but if he wanted to continue in his career with them Mark couldn't actually prove that to Porsche, especially when they had been so wobbly about Seb being with him at Le Mans. Mark thought that he had just about managed to smooth things over there, but he still felt in no position of strength. He had to show them that he was a team-player and taking part in the development of the car was important to Mark as well if he wanted to succeed later in the year. It was going to be hellishly difficult to not have Seb at the forefront of his mind at all times though.

 

Mark moved his hand to rest it on Sebastian's waist and stroked it.

“Don't be worrying, okay? It's just a few days and then we'll be home again.”

Sebastian gave a little nod and shuffled his body forwards so that they were lying pressed facing into one another.

“And then we're going on holiday and we can forget about everything for a while,” continued Mark.

“Yeah, can't wait.”

“Good. Me neither, so let's just focus on that,” suggested Mark.

“Yeah, it's just I'm really going to miss you. I know it's stupid, I know it's only for a few days.”

“No darling it's not stupid. I'm going to miss you too. You know if there was any way I could go with you...”

“I know. You've got your job to do too, it's okay. We always knew this was coming.”

“Yeah.”

 

They'd been building themselves up to this weekend for ages, but that didn't make it any easier, especially with all the traumas they had been though recently.

 

“I just wish we could shift this race to after the break,” admitted Seb.

“Me too,” agreed Mark. “We just have to get past it and then we'll be free for a while.”

“Just keep swimming.”

Sebastian looked and saw the soft smile on Mark's face so close to his own.

“That's right; Just keep swimming. That's what we both have to do until we're back together again.”

Mark moved his hand to take a hold of Sebastian's wrist and rubbed his thumb very gently over it until he saw Seb smiling back at him. The little fish. Something that would doubtless seem silly to outsiders but meant the world to them.

 

“I'll be thinking about you the whole time,” promised Mark.

“Not when you're driving. You have to concentrate. You're not allowed to crash,” insisted Sebastian.

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“Okay, all the time apart from then.”

“Me too,” vowed Sebastian. “Thank you. Mein Fels,” he whispered.

 

Sebastian moved to rest his forehead against Mark's. This would be how they would get through; if they couldn't be together they could at least stay connected in their minds. In that respect they could never be separated.

Mark moved his hand back to Seb's waist, moving it in soft little circles and trailing 'S's on his skin. He was trying to take all this in, to keep it with him for when they were apart; Their bodies touching all the way down from head to foot, Seb's breath mixing with his own. They were safe and warm and sheltered like this. Mark had no desire whatsoever to leave.

Sebastian lifted his hand and placed it on Mark's bicep. He was so strong. Seb loved that about Mark. It wasn't just that Mark looked amazing, which of course Sebastian never failed to appreciate, but it was such a gentle strength. It made him feel protected. There was no safer place in the world than lying in Mark's strong arms.

He moved in and kissed him. Sebastian smiling slightly as he felt Mark respond and the kiss deepened. Seb forgot about all his worries and lost himself to it; to the kiss, the feeling of Mark's body against his own, of the wonderful feeling of security and happiness this gave him.

Eventually running out of air they parted and Mark smiled at the helpless little sigh Seb let out. He sounded sad that the moment had ended. Mark looked at those beautiful full lips and thought it would be no hardship to make Seb happy by returning to them, it would make them both happy.

 

Mark dragged himself away to prop himself up for a moment. He twisted his body around and consulted his phone on the bedstand.

“Mark?” frowned Seb.

Mark moved himself back.

“I was just checking the time,” he explained.

“Oh.”

“We've got about an hour before we need to get up.”

“Oh.” A smile slid onto Sebastian's face. “I see.”

Mark dropped himself back down by Seb and replaced his hand on Seb's waist before drifting it lower.

“Mmm.”

He raised an eyebrow at Sebastian and smiled suggestively, gaining a tiny huffed laugh from Seb.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes,” nodded Sebastian.

Just in case things weren't clear enough he hooked his leg over Mark's and slowly drew the ball of his foot up his calf.

“Mmmm,” grinned Mark.

Plenty they could do with an hour to distract themselves and make them forget they even had anything to be worried about. Time to make the most of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They sat at the airport a few hours later, both waiting for their respective flights. Seb knew that the team were doing him a favour saying he could delay flying out until the Thursday morning because he had so few media commitments. That was down to Britta he was sure. She'd promised to keep keep them as reduced as possible and hinted vaguely that she had been working on coming down hard on the press following the previous weekend. Sebastian wasn't entirely sure what that entailed, but if it made his life a little easier he didn't care.

He knew that Christian allowing him to arrive late was because he was still concerned about him, but if that meant an extra day at home with Mark then Sebastian didn't care too much about that either. He would take whatever he could get, because no matter how many times he and Mark spoke of just getting through this weekend and focussing on what came after it, Seb knew this weekend was going to be tough. Horribly tough.

Seb slid his hand into Mark's and got a reassuring squeeze. He didn't want to let Mark's hand go. He didn't really want to look at the departures screen to see if his flight was being called, but he had to, if he missed his flight he would be late and that wasn't fair on the team when they were being so good to him.

 

“Not up yet,” noted Mark, seeing where Sebastian's gaze was headed.

“No,” concurred Sebastian.

Mark turned slightly to look at him.

“Alright?”

“Mm.”

“You'll be okay Seb,” reassured Mark.

Sebastian nodded. He just had to keep telling himself that.

 

Mark nodded back and gave Sebastian's hand a rub with his thumb. He didn't want to tell him how much he was worrying about how Seb was going to cope this weekend on his own. Mark kept imagining scenarios in which the press got too rough with Seb and he was upset or god forbid nearly had an attack like he did in Germany, or even worse _actually_ had an attack. It didn't bare thinking about. Naturally this meant it was all Mark _could_ think of. If something happened and Sebastian needed him when Mark was so far away he didn't know what he was going to do. Jump on the first plane to Hungary probably.

Maybe he was worrying unnecessarily. If Britta's crackdown worked hopefully things should calm down a bit. Then of course there was the actual racing; Mark hoped against hope that things could go well for Seb in the car this weekend. He couldn't even countenance the idea that anything really bad could happen like a crash. Even the tiniest little bump and Mark knew he would be in pieces. His head was jammed full of worries and Mark knew they wouldn't go away until Seb was safely back with him.

Mark always said how strong Sebastian was and he meant it. He wondered if it was hypocritical to be worrying when he knew how capable and tough Seb was. Perhaps he was the weak one? Mark just didn't want to let him go. Of course the fact that this would be the first race where they hadn't been together since April didn't help. Mark had got too used to always being around. He had to believe that Sebastian could be alright. Whether _he_ would be was another matter.

 

“It's just a few days,” reminded Sebastian, partly to himself.

“Of course,” agreed Mark.

“I don't even want to think what it'll be like in the autumn,” admitted Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“God _don't_.”

Neither one of them could stand to look at the racing calendar later in the year. No matter how you worked it there was just no practical way they would follow one another around the world to each other's races in the final month of the season and still be in any kind of shape to actually race. This was just one weekend. How they were going to get through a month of this was unimaginable.

 

“I was thinking I could come out with you to Japan again,” offered Mark.

“Really? It's a long way to go.”

Mark shrugged.

“Better than being on my own at home. I'd always rather be with you.”

Sebastian smiled at that.

“Likewise.”

“Yeah, and we could fit in another little pootle round Tokyo again if you fancied it?”

Mark liked the idea of them doing it properly this time. It was such a nice memory, but this time he wouldn't need the excuse of Seb being drunk to get close to him. He laughed at the memory.

 

“What?” frowned Seb.

“Oh sorry, I was just thinking that hopefully this time I won't need to threaten to put you over my shoulder to get you up to bed,” confessed Mark.

Sebastian coughed with laughter.

“What?”

“You don't remember?”

Seb shook his head wondering what on earth Mark was referring to.

Mark smiled.

“You really were trashed weren't you? Oh dear. Yeah, you couldn't stand up in the lift at the hotel and I said if you didn't help me get you up I'd put you over my shoulder to carry you,” he explained.

Sebastian laughed even harder.

“Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. Oh god Mark I'm sorry.”

He gave a shake of his head again as Seb remembered how idiotically he'd behaved that night.

 

Mark smiled a little wider thinking how cute drunk Seb had been.

“Nah don't worry about it.”

He leant in closer to Seb and spoke conspiratorially.

“I have to admit I wasn't entirely disappointed to have you all over me.”

Seb was smiling back.

“Me neither, the bits I remember at any rate were very nice,” confessed Sebastian.

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“How is it we weren't together then?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I guess we were really.”

Mark nodded.

“Guess we were. Well we can do it properly this time.”

“Yeah, so that'll be something to look forward to.”

“We'll just have to think of some things to plan for December too so we've got things to look forward to at the end of the year,” suggested Mark.

“Just being home together is enough for me to look forward to,” countered Sebastian.

 

Mark leant his head in against Sebastian's.

“Yeah mate, too right.”

Something altered on the screen above and it caught Mark's eye. He didn't want to accept it but he had to.

“They're calling your flight.”

 

Sebastian pulled away and nodded. All of a sudden he felt like crying. It was pathetic. It was just a couple of days and then they'd be back together again. He had to grow up about this. He'd been going off to races on his own for almost half his life. Even this year he'd managed to do the fly-away races on his own. He had to toughen up.

He got up decisively and turned to Mark who had followed his move.

“Okay.” Seb tried to sound more solid than he felt.

“Okay.”

Mark pulled Sebastian into a tight hug. He didn't want to let him go. He _really_ didn't want to let him go.

“So when does your flight get in on Sunday again?” checked Mark.

“10.22pm.”

Mark smiled at Sebastian's retention of little details.

“Okay, well mine should be a while earlier, so I'll just wait around.”

“You don't have to.”

“I know I don't. I want to,” insisted Mark.

Sebastian nodded. He wasn't going to argue.

 

“And you can call me whenever you like, I'll have my phone on me whenever possible. If I don't answer it's just because I can't, I'll call you back,” promised Mark.

Sebastian tipped his head to the side and looked at Mark.

“It's fine Mark. We'll just talk when we can, in the evenings or whenever okay?”

Seb raised an eyebrow.

“The rest of the time we'll be in the cars anyway.”

Mark shrugged.

“We could just use the hands-free,” he offered dryly.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“I'm sure our teams would love that. Okay, I have to go now.”

 

Mark nodded and pulled Seb in for one last squeeze and a kiss and then he really did have to let him go.

Sebastian shouldered his flight-bag and placed his hand on Mark's arm.

“I'll be okay,” Seb insisted, not sure which of them he was trying to convince.

Mark nodded.

“I know you will.”

“Will you be okay?” asked Seb.

“I'll hang in there.”

“Just keep swimming.”

“Just keep swimming,” agreed Mark.

They both knew they had rough waters ahead.

 

Mark had to watch Seb walk away. This weekend was going to be torture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat on his bed in his hotel room and pressed dial. He thought he'd done pretty well to hold off calling this long, although in fairness he and Mark had exchanged any number of text messages already.

“Hey,” greeted Mark.

Seb's sighed out a little with relief that Mark had picked up. Even if he would have understood if Mark was busy, the truth was he would have been gutted if the call had gone unanswered.

“Hey,” replied Sebastian softly.

He leant back on the stacked pillows behind him.

“How're you doing?” checked Mark.

“Yeah okay. You?”

“Yeah not too bad. Not really done much other than check in. How did you get on at the track?”

Seb shrugged.

“Okay I guess. Just running through things in the garage.”

“And the media?”

Mark wasn't sure if it was wise to bring it up, but he couldn't help worrying.

“Yeah not too bad. Just a huddle in the paddock. So far it's mostly been racing stuff.”

“Well that's good.”

“Mm, I think that must be down to Britta. I'm not sure what she's done,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I don't care if she dangled them out of the press-room window by their short and curlies as long as they behave themselves.”

Sebastian joined in laughing. Mark always made him feel better. God he wished Mark was here.

“Blimey, the imagery,” smiled Seb. He'd have to stash that one away in his head for if things got tough at any point.

 

There was a slight pause in proceedings while the both wondered what to talk about that might keep the conversation in a positive mood.

“What are you doing about dinner?” asked Mark.

“Hmm, well there's a team meal organised tonight,” explained Sebastian. He didn't sound overly enthusiastic.

“So you're going?”

Seb shrugged.

“Dunno. I know I should but I don't much feel like it.”

Mostly he felt like pathetic-ing alone in his room, talking to Mark for as long as possible.

“I know I should go,” continued Sebastian.

“You should,” agreed Mark.

“Yeah.” Sebastian still sounded unconvinced.

“Dan'll be there won't he?” pushed Mark.

“I presume so.”

“You should go. It'll take your mind off things and it's good for the team,” insisted Mark thinking that anything that distracted Sebastian was a positive thing.

“I know. Yeah I should.”

“You'll feel better once you're there and Daniel will cheer you up I'm sure. You don't have to stay late,” persuaded Mark.

“Yeah okay. Is it alright if I call you again when I get in?” checked Sebastian.

“Course.”

“It won't be too late, about ten-ish maybe.”

“Any time is fine,” assured Mark. He knew he wouldn't get to sleep unless he knew that Seb was alright anyway.

 

“Okay, I'd better get going then,” agreed Sebastian.

“Yep.”

“Speak to you later.”

Sebastian was about to hang up when he blurted out.

“I miss you.”

Mark smiled and wished he could give Seb a hug right now.

“I miss you too mate.”

“What are you doing for dinner?” inquired Sebastian, realising belatedly that he had selfishly only been thinking of himself.

“Ah well I have the delights of JB's company tonight.”

“Oh. I wish I was with you.”

It seemed unfair that Mark got to spend his evening with their friend without him.

“Me too mate, me too,” agreed Mark.

“Okay, well say hi from me.”

“Will do.”

“Bye then.”

“Bye, have a nice meal.”

“Thanks. You too.”

 

Seb hung up and stared at his phone for a bit before forcing himself to stop being so useless. He got up off the bed and glanced in the mirror, running a hand through his hair and thinking he'd do; jeans, t-shirt and a hoody would be alright, Seb knew they weren't going anywhere fancy. He stepped out into the corridor and even though it wasn't really cold he pulled Mark's hoody a little tighter around him. He'd be fine.

 

 

 

  

 

Mark woke in the middle of the night from what must have been a nightmare. The instant he woke up he couldn't recall what it had been about, but it was something to do with Seb needing him and he couldn't get to him. There was sweat on his forehead and his heart was racing. Mark sat up and drank some water trying to calm himself. He hoped it wasn't a premonition of some kind. Surely not. Surely this was just his paranoia and anxiety floating to the surface of his subconscious while his guard was down?

Sebastian was fine, pretty much anyway. When they'd spoken before bed, Seb had sounded glad that he had gone to the meal and in reasonable form for tomorrow. Mark resisted a ridiculous urge to call Seb and check on him. Seb needed his sleep if he was driving tomorrow. So did Mark for that matter. He should go back to sleep.

Mark stared at the ceiling as the dark minutes of the night ticked by.

 

 

 

Seb slid his hand across under the duvet towards Mark only to find nothing but cold and empty mattress. He opened his eyes and looked. Mark wasn't there. Of course he wasn't. Mark was in Germany for testing and he was in Hungary for the race. Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes. He knew it was pitiful that he should instantly feel so stupidly sad at the realisation but he did anyway. Seb turned and pressed the button on his phone to check the time and saw he still had hours before he was due to get up, but he didn't think he could sleep now.

An idea struck him and he hopped out of bed, gathered up the hoody lying on the chair and curled up back in bed holding it. Seb knew it was a childish act of comfort to cling onto the little bit of Mark he had with him but he couldn't help it. He pulled the fleecy part of the hoody closer and rested his cheek against it trying to tell if he could still smell Mark on it. He was okay, he wasn't going to cry, he wasn't that tragic. Seb filled his mind with thoughts of Mark and wrapped his right hand around his left wrist and brushed his fingers lightly over the skin, back and forth, back and forth; the slow repetition soothing him and finally lulling him back to much needed sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian climbed out of the car at the end of second practice reasonably happy with how things had gone. Early days yet, but the car felt responsive to this track and the times were at the top end of the time-sheet, if not _quite_ at the very top. He pulled his helmet off and looked over to the corner of the garage where Mark would be and cursed himself for doing it when he knew he wasn't there. He had to stop doing that to himself. Seb closed his eyes for a second and imagined the encouraging smile Mark would be giving him now.

Even if he wasn't here, Seb knew Mark was supporting him just as much. He had to focus on that and stop letting himself fall into the trap of tormenting himself, expecting Mark to be there when Seb knew he wouldn't be. He had to stop looking for him in the garage. He had to stop expecting him to be waiting for him in the motorhome. He had to prevent himself from being disappointed when he got back to his bedroom at the hotel and Mark wasn't there. He had to reconcile himself to another night in an empty bed.

Seb fixed on his smile for the team and focussed his attention on getting stuck into a rundown with his engineers. That was what he had to do this weekend; Keep his head down and concentrate entirely on his job.

As soon as he was done, Sebastian managed to quickly check his phone before Britta swept him off to face the press. There was a text from Mark. Of course there was.

 

MARK: Nice work, that should keep Merc on their toes.

Sebastian dashed off a quick reply.

SEB: Thanks. How's it going yr end?

MARK: Slow but steady. About to get another go. Speak later. Love you X

He felt a warmth flow through him reading that. Mark loved him and was supporting him, no matter how far away he was.

SEB: Good luck. Drive safe. Love you too XXX

 

“All set?” asked Britta.

Sebastian looked up from his phone and put it back in his bag.

“Yep, thanks.”

They walked out into the paddock, the smile on Seb's face now entirely genuine. He wondered how long that would last in front of the media.

 

 

 

Mark smiled as he read Sebastian's replies to his messages. He didn't sound too bad and seemed to be going alright on track according to the live updates Mark kept checking on his phone whenever he got a free moment. He hoped that the media would continue to behave themselves and then maybe he could stop worrying about Seb quite so much. Time to put his own mind to work and see if he couldn't do as well as Seb had done today.

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later Sebastian sat between Daniel and Lewis in the drivers' briefing. He couldn't help feeling as though he was being babysat, but the truth was it was nice that he had people around him who cared enough to keep an eye on him.

Lewis was quiet though. The press hadn't been too awful today even if plenty of them had asked where Mark was when being reminded that he wasn't here was the last thing that Seb wanted. He had been tempted to tell them all it was none of their business as they pried into his personal life once again, but he didn't want to let them think that Mark wasn't supporting him, so he briefly informed them that Mark was busy testing with Porsche and tried not to sound disappointed, but proud because if they'd forgotten, Mark had only recently won Le Mans with the team and they wanted to maintain that success.

 

As they walked away Britta had attempted to casually remind Sebastian that he was meant to be talking about RedBull and not Porsche, but it wasn't hard to tell that Seb sounded happiest when mentioning that, even if she noticed a slightly faraway look in his eyes as he did. She wasn't about to pull him up too hard for it when Britta knew how much Seb was missing Mark this weekend.

 

“I don't know what you did to them Britta, but thanks,” acknowledged Sebastian.

Britta gave a little smile.

“Maybe they've just got a short attention span?”

Sebastian looked at her indicating that he doubted that was the only reason.

Britta shrugged.

“Fine, I had to draw a line in the sand for them. There might be one or two missing faces from the line-up this weekend,” she admitted.

Seb looked back, somewhere between stunned and impressed. She'd got people kicked out. Wow. He wasn't sure if that was impressive or terrifying. Either way he was bloody glad Britta was on his side.

Britta smiled back, pleased that her efforts seemed to be helping. It hadn't been easy and she knew both she and Christian had cashed in quite a few favours to get what they wanted. She had also spent half the week on the phone to editors telling them in no uncertain terms that if they wanted any co-operation and access at RedBull in future they had better keep their employees in line.

“To be honest Seb I think all this to-do over at Mercedes is at least partly distracting them,” confessed Britta.

“Hm, what _is_ going on there?” asked Sebastian curiously.

“The usual,” suggested Britta dryly. “Another chapter in the internecine warfare that never seems to end over there.”

Sebastian nodded. He knew more than enough about strife between team-mates.

 

 

Seb leaned in to Lewis while everyone around him was chattering before the start of the meeting.

“You okay?”

Lewis frowned.

“Hm? Oh yeah, you know...”

He shrugged. Same old same old.

“Do you want to talk about it? I mean after, maybe?”

Sebastian glanced over at Nico sat in the front row, probably best not to discuss this in front of everyone.

Lewis shook his head.

“Sorry man, just, you know team stuff. I'd better not.”

 

Sebastian nodded understanding. If Lewis didn't want to discuss private team matters with a rival that was fair enough. Maybe he actually did, but they were restricted in their friendship by other concerns. It was just they way things were and if they were going to be friends despite that rivalry then he had to respect that.

Lewis saw where Sebastian was looking. Nico. Damn Nico. Kicking up a fuss after quali last week and making a stink in the team trying to blame him for a tiny little off that could happen to anyone when they were pushing on the limit. Then Nico went and stole his damn pitstop slot in the race, claiming to have 'misheard' the call on the radio. Like hell he'd misheard. Nico had snatched the better strategy and the team had been powerless to prevent him taking the advantage to win the race from under Lewis' nose. The team meeting afterwards had been volcanic but Nico had stuck to his guns and afterwards managed to imply to the media that it was Lewis' fault in the first place for causing the trouble.

This weekend he and Nico were back to barely acknowledging one another, never mind speaking. Lewis wished he _could_ talk about it. It would be nice to get it off his chest and talk to Seb. He knew Seb would understand. He'd been through years of that in his team even if that had turned out to be way more complicated than anyone realised at the time. One of the press had earlier cheekily hinted that maybe he and Nico had the same problem underneath. As if. Nico preening and prettifying himself all the time was nothing that attracted Lewis, even leaving out the fact that he was male which was a fairly major stumbling block, Lewis didn't think he could ever go for someone who fancied themself far more than any person they might be with. No thank you.

 

“My brother is coming tomorrow,” chipped in Lewis.

Sebastian perked up.

“Oh is he? That's nice. Bet you're looking forward to that.”

Seb knew how much having his family there last weekend had helped him, especially his little brother. He was sure it would do the same for Lewis who he knew was very close to his family.

“Yeah, absolutely. Can't wait. It'll be good to know I've got one person in the garage that's completely on my side,” confessed Lewis.

Sebastian gave a tip of his head, trying not to think how he didn't have that this weekend.

Lewis saw the look on his face and immediately felt guilty.

“Sorry. You must be missing Mark this weekend.”

Sebastian shrugged. Of course he was.

“Yeah well you know.”

 

Lewis nodded. Poor Seb. He was having such a rough time. Last weekend he'd looked awful, even with all his family and Mark around, now he was all on his own.

“He's testing in Germany. He'd be here otherwise,” explained Sebastian.

“Of course,” accepted Lewis.

He wondered if Seb was lonely this weekend, he knew only too well himself how empty these soulless hotel rooms could be.

Lewis was about to say something more when Charlie walked in and took up position at the front and the room fell into respectful silence.

 

 

At the end of the meeting Sebastian got up along with everyone else and was making his way along his row with Lewis and Daniel when he noticed Kimi staring at him. He was about to deliberately ignore him and walk away with those who had proved themselves to be his genuine friends when Sebastian thought how childish that would be. Kimi looked as though he wanted to speak to him, so _fine_ he'd let him speak. It would be the first time in an age that Kimi had given him the time of day. Sebastian had to admit that he was curious to find out what he wanted.

“Umm, I'll see you guys later,” excused Sebastian.

 

Lewis and Daniel looked at him but left him to it. As the room eventually emptied, Seb and Kimi remained as the only two occupants. Sebastian stepped over to the other side of the door and Kimi approached him. Before he had been staring directly at him but now it seemed Kimi couldn't meet Sebastian's eyes again.

“What do you want?” asked Seb.

Kimi mumbled something incomprehensible to the floor and Sebastian grew frustrated. He had clearly wanted to speak to him and now he was making no effort at all. Kimi was supposed to have been his friend but he wasn't. Kimi had let him down, he had failed him when he had needed him most and now with everything Seb was going through, Kimi had made no attempt to build bridges or to offer any kind of public support. What kind of friend was that?

Kimi had disappointed Sebastian and hurt him. Only now did Sebastian realise how angry he was with him. He was tempted to tell Kimi to go to hell and walk away, but Seb still wanted to know what he had to say.

 

“What is it?” Sebastian asked again, sounding annoyed.

Kimi looked at his shoes and shrugged.

He mumbled again. “I'm sorry, alright?”

Sebastian could barely hear him. Something inside him snapped.

“You know what Kimi, when you mumble no one can hear what you're saying and it's really bloody annoying, so either say what you want to say or stop wasting my time.”

 

Kimi's eyes shot up. He couldn't remember Seb being so assertive before. Their relationship had always been based on silly jokes and light-hearted timewasting. Even then Kimi had always taken the lead, Sebastian seeming pleased to be noticed by the older driver, flattered into taking his lead. Kimi in turn had been glad to have someone who found him amusing and who didn't take himself as seriously as his boring and self-important colleagues like Schumacher and Alonso.

The kid had looked up to him as an experienced world champion, and it had come as something of a shock that Sebastian had quickly outstripped Kimi's achievements while he was away from Formula One. When he had returned at first Kimi had thought that Seb hadn't changed and he'd liked that success hadn't made Seb arrogant, but something _had_ changed; Sebastian had been quieter and away from the track he had less time for Kimi and spent it with his trainer instead. Kimi couldn't quite work out if that meant Sebastian had matured or if his success required increased effort, but he still seemed to like him and they'd had some good times before it had all gone wrong.

 

Kimi looked Sebastian in the eye and made himself to speak more clearly as he was quite capable of doing if he chose to when he wasn't avoiding people or deliberately pissing off the media.

“I'm sorry okay? I fucked up.”

Seb looked back at him. He wasn't sure he wanted to have this conversation, especially not this weekend, but he had to know.

“What are you sorry for?” he demanded.

Kimi shrugged and the half-hearted gesture suddenly made Sebastian so angry he wanted to slap him in the face.

“What?” pressed Seb.

If Kimi didn't explain himself in a minute Sebastian feared he was either going to yell at him or burst into tears.

Kimi shrugged again and looked back down.

“I'm sorry about what happened.”

 

Sebastian pursed his lips. If they were going to talk about this they were bloody well going to talk about it properly or what was the point?

“What happened? You mean when you kissed me and ran away or the fact you've dropped me since then?”

Kimi shifted uncomfortably.

“Yeah that. All that. I'm sorry.”

Sebastian nodded, still angry with him.

“You're sorry? Nearly two years later you decide you're sorry?”

Something was bubbling up inside Sebastian and he had to let it out.

“You said you didn't remember, but you _do_ don't you?”

 

Sebastian tried to stop his eyes from tearing up. He wouldn't let Kimi see how much he had hurt him. Fuck him, _fuck him._

 

“I was really drunk,” excused Kimi, trying to look back at Sebastian.

So they were back to that. Seb didn't want to hear any more excuses.

“Whatever. You know what Kimi, I don't care. You were supposed to be my friend.”

That last came out far sadder than Seb had meant it to.

 

“I was your friend. We _were_ friends. I fucked it up. I'm sorry.” Kimi looked up at Sebastian. “But I didn't realise that you, well you know, that you were...”

Sebastian glared, his nostrils flaring.

“Gay? Is that what this is all about? You can't handle that?”

Of all things, strangely Sebastian hadn't considered that was really the problem.

Kimi frowned.

“No. I don't care. I just... I didn't realise you liked me. I thought we were just friends,” he excused.

“We _were_ just friends. You kissed _me,_ not the other way around.”

“Yeah but you kissed me back.”

“Fine, okay, so I _did_ like you, but I'd never have done anything about it. You make it sound like I bloody jumped you. That's not how it was. You _know_ that,” let out Sebastian in frustration.

“It was just a joke. It was for a dare. He said you were in on it. It was just for fun...”

 

Seb was horribly close to tears now.

“It wasn't a joke to me.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I wasn't in on it. I didn't know what was going on. You just came up and kissed me and I didn't know... I didn't understand.”

Sebastian swallowed hard again. He couldn't cry. He mustn't cry.

 

“I'm sorry. I was really drunk. Heikki kept giving me Ström and I'd not eaten. It was just a stupid bet.”

Seb shrugged.

“Fine. You were drunk and you didn't give a shit about anyone but yourself. You didn't give a shit about me.”

“No, that, that wasn't it. I wasn't thinking clearly and then when I realised, I mean when you kissed me back, it was a shock, I didn't realise you liked me.”

Sebastian huffed.

“Yeah well you don't need to worry about that any more.”

“It was just a surprise. I know I must have been stupid not to work it out.”

 

Sebastian took a calming breath. It must have been a shock to Kimi, but even so.

“Okay fine, but afterwards Kimi, you must remember what happened afterwards, in the bathroom...”

Kimi looked even more uncomfortable.

“I was wasted.”

“You saw me, you saw...”

Seb couldn't quite bring himself to spell out what Kimi must have seen. What he must have heard.

“Even if you were drunk?”

Sebastian looked over and found himself appealing with his eyes that Kimi should at least acknowledge that he had appreciated Seb was in trouble and that he had abandoned him to his fate.

“He said he was just mad at you for taking the game too far,” admitted Kimi.

 

Seb froze.

“What?”

When had Heikki spoken to him? What had he told Kimi?

“He said he was angry with you for kissing me back and you'd wound him up on purpose, that you got off on it.”

 

Sebastian felt sick.

“When? When did he say that?”

Had Heikki spoken to Kimi before the race the next day? Was that why he was so weird with him?

Kimi shrugged again.

“I saw him at an ice-hockey game in Finland.”

Seb stared in shock.

“When?”

“I don't know. Around Christmas I think. Some time in the winter break anyway. I just bumped into him.”

Sebastian's stomach was in knots. Heikki had casually bumped into Kimi by accident? Or had he deliberately sought him out? What else had he told him?

 

Seb forced himself to speak.

“What else did he say?”

“I dunno, just that he was sorry he'd got me mixed up in your little game.”

“My game?” breathed Seb in disbelief. “It wasn't _my_ game.”

“No. Well I guess I know that now.”

“Now?”

“All that stuff in the papers about him stalking you,” explained Kimi.

“Right, but before that you just believed him? I was the one who was supposed to be your friend,” argued Seb.

“I felt awkward,” Kimi excused.

“Awkward?” Sebastian spat. “You felt _awkward?_ Christ. Have you any idea what it was like for me? You were the only friend I had.”

He swallowed, trying to hold himself together.

“I needed you and you just ditched me because you felt _awkward?_ And all this time you never thought to ask me for my side of the story.”

 

Kimi sighed.

“Whenever I saw Heikki he always made it sound like I didn't know you at all.”

Seb took an unintended gasp.

“How often did you see him?”

“I dunno, at hockey games back home in the winter.”

“And what was he saying about me?”

Kimi was avoiding his gaze.

“Just you know, stuff... He said you were pretty messed up, that you couldn't handle the idea of people finding out you were gay and that's why you split up, and I dunno, he just made you sound kindof twisted.”

 

Sebastian knew just how good Heikki was at manipulating people, but that Kimi had taken him at his word and never questioned it, never considered taking the side of someone who was supposed to have been his friend. That hurt.

“And you just believed him?”

Kimi shrugged.

“He made it sound, I don't know, he sounded convincing. And you were acting so weird.”

“ _I_ was acting weird?” Sebastian coughed.

“Yeah well guess I know why now.”

“Right. Because it's in the papers. You never thought to get the truth from me?”

Kimi shrugged again, making Sebastian angrier.

“And you never said a word even this year, even when all that came out, you still said nothing.”

“Mark's always around and he looks at me like he wants to kill me,” admitted Kimi.

 

 _That's because he does,_ thought Sebastian. Thinking of Mark calmed him and a smile almost reached the corners of his lips, but not quite.

 

“I can't believe you'd just take his word,” exasperated Seb. “All those years we were supposed to be friends and you never spoke to me about it, you just pretended you didn't remember and acted like nothing happened.”

Mark was right; Kimi was a coward.

“You just let him make me out to be some fucked-up weirdo?” continued Seb.

Maybe he had been fucked-up, but it was Heikki that had done that to him.

 

“I am sorry.”

“Fine.”

What was the point in arguing?

“You never even told me you were gay,” countered Kimi.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Yeah, I can't think why,” he answered sarcastically.

“We were friends though,” said Kimi.

“Past tense,” stopped Sebastian. “You can't think after everything you can just say sorry and it'll be fine? You never said a word to stick up for me after Mark and I came out. You've barely spoken to me.”

“I guess that was when I knew something was up, that maybe I didn't really know what was going on...”

“You still didn't say anything.”

“Mark was always there,” excused Kimi weakly.

 

Sebastian shook his head. There had been plenty of times Kimi could have spoken to him without Mark being around if he'd only made the effort.

“And you felt awkward,” finished Sebastian scornfully. “Well boo-fucking-hoo Kimi. In case you hadn't noticed I've been having a pretty awkward time of it myself lately. But at least I've learnt who my real friends are.”

Fernando had offered more support than Kimi and Seb suspected he didn't even like him very much, but his good friend Kimi had been taken in by that monster and hadn't done a thing for him.

 

“I'm sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Sebastian sounded sad at the end, but he was still angry with Kimi. Angry and disappointed and hurt and upset.

He walked out of the room and slammed the door behind him. Maybe it was immature, but Seb didn't care, it felt good. Fuck Kimi, fuck his 'I'm sorry's and fuck his excuses. He wasn't his friend. Seb didn't need him.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat on his hotel bed on the phone to Mark. He'd managed to recount what had happened, but now he was struggling.

“He was supposed to be my friend,” sniffled Sebastian.

 

Mark sat hundreds of miles away on his own hotel bed, hating more than ever that he was so far away. He could hear how upset Seb was getting and it killed Mark that he wasn't there with him.

 

“Well he wasn't. I'm sorry Seb. I really am, but he's not worth it.”

“I know,” swallowed Sebastian.

“And you basically told him to go fuck himself?”

“Pretty much.”

A slight smile snuck on to Mark's face.

“Well good for you.”

Sebastian huffed the tiniest of laughs.

“Yeah I suppose.”

“No really Seb, I know he apologised and everything, but if he was your friend he would have spoken to you a long time ago.”

“He was being manipulated too,” allowed Sebastian.

“Hm, maybe, but he let him. Kimi never tried to find out the truth. You're right, if he was really your friend he would have asked you. Saying he felt awkward just doesn't cut it.”

“No, I suppose not.”

“No suppose about it,” insisted Mark firmly.

“No,” accepted Sebastian.

 

Seb was trying not to think what it all meant but he couldn't stop himself.

“But if he could convince Kimi, if he could lie to him and make him believe I was so fucked-up that I enjoyed all that, that it was just a game, that I got off on it...”

“Don't Seb,” tried Mark.

“No but if he could do that, and Kimi was supposed to be my friend, what would others think? What might he tell others?”

“He won't.”

“But he might.”

“He won't Seb, he can't.”

“He might.”

Mark could hear Sebastian working himself up.

“He can't. He'd be breaking the agreement and he could be prosecuted, so could the papers. The team lawyers have made that very clear to him and he'd be throwing his career away.”

 

Mark could hear the sniffles at the other end of the phone and he desperately wanted to reach out to Seb.

“Just to hurt me, just because he could, because that's what he enjoys, he enjoys hurting me, he always did.”

Seb was sobbing now and Mark rubbed his face, agonising over what he could say to make this better.

“Oh don't Seb, don't darling, please. Don't cry. Don't let him do this to you,” begged Mark.

Sebastian took shuddery breaths and all Mark could do was listen. He should be there. He should be with him. Even if he couldn't think of anything to say at least he could hold Seb and calm him. Maybe he should just go to the airport and get on the next plane?

 

Mark wanted to kill Kimi for bringing all this up and upsetting Sebastian. He wanted to kill Heikki for remaining a threat to him, but then he always wanted to do that.

 

“Come on Seb sweetheart, don't get upset. Take a deep breath. It's okay,” soothed Mark.

Seb took a few more shaky breaths before doing as he was instructed and taking a long breath in before releasing it slowly.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Seb?”

Silence terrified Mark when Sebastian was so far away and he couldn't see if he was alright.

“Yeah,” Seb allowed, still quiet and unsettled.

Mark was relieved to hear him speak.

“Don't let them upset you.”

Seb sniffed again.

“But if he goes to the press and says those things.”

Mark shook his head. The idea was fixed in Sebastian's head and he couldn't unroot it. The fear was too deep.

 

“Look Seb if he was going to do it, wouldn't he have done so by now?” suggested Mark. “I mean while the press have been all over you? He should have done it already if he wanted their attention. You said yourself the press have been more interested in Merc than you this weekend.”

“Maybe,” conceded Sebastian.

“I'm sure they've been trying to talk to him, he must have had plenty of opportunity to say something and he hasn't.”

“I suppose.”

“So if he's not done it now doesn't it suggest he's not going to?” pressed Mark.

“I don't know, maybe.”

“Yeah, so stop letting it eat you up, okay? You have to put it to one side and forget him, forget Kimi, forget all that.”

 

Mark's voice was so calming, so stable, so certain. Sebastian closed his eyes and let it centre him.

“Okay.”

“Okay then.”

 

Mark took a deep settling breath himself. He couldn't stand it when Seb was distressed and it was a thousand times worse when he couldn't be with him and help make it better. He needed to see Seb was okay. He needed to hold him close until they both knew everything was settled down.

“Are you alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah I'm alright,” insisted Sebastian. He still sounded far too quiet for Mark's liking.

“Close your eyes,” instructed Mark.

“They're closed.”

“Okay then, just focus on my voice.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Focus on my voice and feel me with you, okay? Feel me put my arms around you and know I'm holding you tight.”

“Yeah,” whispered Sebastian.

Their eyes were tightly closed, their imaginations working hard to compensate for the separation.

 

Sebastian let out a long sigh. He was sure he could almost feel Mark there.

 

They sat there a moment, taking it in, knowing each wished with all their heart that the other was actually there holding on to them.

 

Eventually Seb let out another little sigh and opened his eyes.

“A virtual hug.”

“Yeah.”

It was what they had.

“Thank you.”

“Course. Are you really okay now?”

“Yeah much better thank you. I love you so much.”

Mark smiled with relief at hearing Sebastian sounding restored.

“I love you too, of course I do.”

“I know. Mein Liebe, mein Fels.”

Mark never let him down.

 

“Will you stay,” requested Seb.

“Hmm? Yeah of course I will.”

“Thanks.”

“Have you eaten?”

“Hmm? No. I'm not hungry.”

Mark frowned. He didn't like the sound of that. He knew Seb could get that way when he was upset, but it was a worry when it was a race weekend and he needed energy to drive.

 

“You should have something,” tried Mark.

“I'm just not hungry,” insisted Sebastian.

Mark sighed. The last thing he wanted was to fight about it.

“Okay. Promise me you'll have a decent breakfast at least, yeah?”

“Okay.”

“Have you eaten?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh at Seb inquiring after him.

“Yeah I got something at the track before.”

“Good.”

“Mm.”

“Tell me about your day,” requested Seb.

Mark smiled.

“Okay.”

 

Mark sat on the phone and ran through every tiny detail he could recall from his day of testing. He got Sebastian to tell him the same from his day. They sat for hours while it got dark outside, talking about everything, talking about nothing, talking for the sake of talking.

 

They hung up briefly while they got ready for bed and used the bathroom, then resumed their conversation in bed. Each putting the phone on speaker on the next pillow and doing their best to convince themselves that the other was really there.

Mark was telling him all about some bizarre photo-shoot that Jenson had told him Jessica had done recently in Japan with people dressed up as manga cartoon animals surrounded by cardboard trees.

“It sounds crazy,” suggested Sebastian.

“Mm, Jense said she had to wear shoes so high even Jess couldn't actually walk in them.”

Seb gave a soft laugh.

“They must have been high.”

“Yeah.”

“He must miss her when she's so far away,” guessed Sebastian.

“I'm sure he does,” accepted Mark.

“Doesn't he say?” wondered Sebastian.

“Not really. He says he's used to it, but I'm not sure anyone gets used to it.”

Mark didn't think he could ever get used to be so far away from the person he loved.

 

He heard Seb let out a long gentle sigh.

“Tired?”

“Mm.”

“We should go to sleep then.”

“Yeah.”

Sleepy Seb. He always looked so adorable. God Mark missed him.

“I think we actually have to hang up,” prompted Mark.

“Mm, spose.”

“Night then.”

“Night.”

“Love you.”

“Love you.”

 

They hung up. God this was torture.

  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay - I had 10 days straight without a day off!
> 
> To make up for it I may have the closing part of this bit almost good to go. Let me know what you think and if we're caught up, I'll crack on.


	61. Commitment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And on to the end of the weekend...

* * *

 

 

 

The next day Sebastian struggled through free practice and afterwards the media decided this must mean he didn't have complete commitment these days. Sebastian was very tempted to tell them that if he wasn't committed then there was no way he would be here talking to them when he could be on the phone already talking to Mark, letting him make him feel better.

He sighed out as Britta moved him along. Nearly done now.

 

Lee gave him a smile.

“All to play for this afternoon?”

“Yeah. We had a few issues this morning, but the team are looking into it. I've every faith we'll have things right for quali,” asserted Seb.

“I'm sure. And no doubt you're glad to have a harmonious team behind you.”

Seb wasn't going to get into that contentious little issue.

“Of course,” he allowed.

Lee looked him over, thinking Sebastian seemed preoccupied.

“You must miss Mark.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah,” he admitted wistfully.

Lee simply nodded back and indicated to the camera to cut.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to ambush you with that,” she excused.

The thought had been in her head and it had popped out of her mouth before she'd had time to stop it.

Sebastian shrugged. Too late now and he hadn't wanted to lie to Lee. He did miss Mark. More than anything.

 

 

 

 

 

Half an hour later Sebastian sat in his little room in the motorhome back on the phone to Mark.

“How's it going?” inquired Seb.

Mark shook his head, as if his constant loops round trying new parts mattered.

“Fine. How about you?”

“Not too bad. They found a fault with the oil pressure.”

“Well that's good.”

“Good?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Good that they found it. They'll have it fixed in time won't they?”

“Yeah should do. It was just a linkage part that needed replacing.”

“So you're all set.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark heard the tone in his voice.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah I'm just pissed off that the media instantly accuse me of lacking commitment.”

“Well you know that's bullshit.”

“I guess.”

“Sod the press Seb, use that pissed off-ness and show them what bollocks it is by going great in quali.”

Sebastian allowed himself to smile.

“Okay then.”

“Good.”

 

“Kimi's gone back to not looking at me again,” noted Sebastian.

“Oh well fuck him,” dismissed Mark.

Seb wanted to laugh at Mark's bluntness but he couldn't.

He paused for a long moment before admitting.

“I can't stop worrying about what it means.”

Mark frowned.

“What _what_ means?”

“Kimi. And _him._ How easily he convinced Kimi. How he made him believe all those lies about me.”

Sebastian couldn't bring himself to say Heikki's name. He never could and Mark knew not to either.

“Don't let it get to you Seb. You know that's what he'd like.”

Seb took a shaky breath.

 

Mark didn't know whether he should go on. He had been thinking about this since yesterday and a thought had occurred to him. Mark considered it pretty important, but he wasn't sure if talking it through right now was wise.

“I've been thinking...”

“What?”

“Hm, I don't know. Maybe we should talk about this later.”

Mark pulled a frustrated face, torn as to what was best to do. He didn't want to upset Sebastian before qualifying, but maybe what he had thought about could help?

 

He puffed a breath and dove in.

“Okay look. If you're worrying about him and what he might do, I hate to say it but I think that's precisely what he'd want. He'd enjoy the fact that you're worrying. He'd be getting off on that because that's what he did right? He got off on controlling you through fear; Fear of what he might do, fear of exposing you. I can't help thinking that's what he's doing now.”

Sebastian was very quiet on the other end and Mark felt awful that he might be upsetting him by going into this.

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.”

“No it's okay.”

Seb did sound upset. Damn it. If he'd made him cry Mark wouldn't forgive himself.

“Me and my big mouth. I should shut up.”

“No, go on. It makes sense,” insisted Sebastian only a little unsteadily.

 

Mark hesitated, but now he'd started maybe it was best to continue.

“Okay, so I know that's horrible, but maybe it's part of the reason he hasn't done anything. All the other stuff would put him off, but knowing that in a way he had the power to still have some control over you, to keep you anxious about what he might do, that would appeal to him wouldn't it?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“If he actually goes to the press he loses that threat over you because think about it; What's the worst he could do?”

“He could lie about me, tell horrible stories, make me sound crazy or perverted or I don't know...” worried Sebastian.

“Okay, but even the very worst he could say, who is going to believe him? A guy who has proved how unstable he is, needing a restraining order, stalking you, all that. Who sounds more plausible; a four time world champion or some crazy guy who won't let go?”

“People will believe anything they read in the papers.”

“Well some people maybe. But you'd have the whole of the RedBull PR team working for you. He'd be on his own with everything to suggest he's lying and I'm pretty sure the team would work hard to make sure he was discredited, wouldn't they?”

“I guess.”

“And the lawyers would throw the book at him, so he's got that to lose, and his career, and then what would he be left with? How much satisfaction could he take in the end? He's got one roll of the dice left and the odds are all in _your_ favour Seb.”

 

Sebastian took another shaky breath. It did make sense, but the fear still gripped him.

“But what if the truth came out.”

“He's not going to say what really happened Seb. No way. He may be a complete bastard, but there's no way he'd do that. Who would admit that to the world?”

Mark didn't want to spell out what Heikki would be confessing to, they both knew well enough what he had done.

“He'd be confessing to crimes Seb, he'd be convicting himself. Who would do that?”

 

Sebastian took a deep settling breath. He'd never really thought of Heikki's cruelties as crimes, but of course they were when viewed in abstract. It was very hard to think of all this rationally.

“That does make sense.”

“Yeah?”

Mark was still worrying that he had made a mistake in discussing this when Sebastian was vulnerable and so very far away. He needed to be in a positive mind-frame for qualifying. Was this going to help or make things worse?

 

“Yeah.”

Heikki had controlled him through fear. He still was.

“I can't let him do that any more,” stated Sebastian.

Mark sat up straight.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You're right. He's nothing to gain and everything to lose. He could hurt me but it would be over with and then he'd have nothing.”

“And we'd get through it, okay Seb. Even if he tried it, we'd get through.”

Seb nodded. He'd already been through hell. With Mark by his side surely he would survive. Even the very worst, couldn't they keep going? Heikki would never admit to the real truth and anything else they could legitimately dismiss as lies.

 

He stroked his thumb carefully over his wrist.

“Yeah we would. You're right. I can't let him have that over me. I can't let him keep me afraid forever. I can't let him win.”

Mark smiled with relief.

“I never thought you would.”

Sebastian managed a smile as well.

“Thanks.”

“I wasn't wrong to say it?” checked Mark.

“No. It's okay. I feel... I don't know, is it strange I feel better?”

“I'm only glad that you do.”

 

Know your enemy, understand him, and maybe you can take away his power, thought Seb. It was worth a go at any rate.

 

Sebastian looked at the time.

“I ought to go.”

“Already?”

“Yeah I need to be sure everything's fixed.”

“Okay. Virtual hug?”

Seb smiled.

“Virtual hug,” he agreed.

They both closed their eyes for a moment and relied on their imaginations.

 

“Okay?”

“Yeah.

“Give them hell,” invoked Mark.

Seb smiled.

“Thanks. Hope your afternoon goes great too.”

 

They hung up and Sebastian quickly splashed some water on his face before heading down. He hoped no one would be able to tell he'd been crying. Seb took a deep breath and went out to take on the world. He felt stronger now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian was back in his little room. He read Mark's congratulatory text and texted back thanks and that he'd ring him once he'd grabbed a quick shower. It had been ungodly hot in the car in the heat of the afternoon sun at high summer and he felt pretty grim. Seb wanted to feel a bit nicer when he spoke to Mark. Fourth wasn't amazing, but after this morning he was fairly happy.

 

 

He heard his phone buzz and finished dressing to check it, expecting to see another message from Mark. It wasn't Mark though. It was Lewis.

LEWIS: Hey, so my bro and I are watching the footie later if you felt like joining us?

 

Huh. Well he wasn't expecting that. Sebastian tried to place what football was on tonight. A friendly maybe? He wasn't sure. It didn't matter really he supposed. It was nice gesture. Seb was about to reply when he stopped and called Mark instead.

 

 

 

“So you don't mind?”

“Mind? Why would I mind?” questioned Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Well I don't know, I just wanted to make sure.”

“You don't need permission to spend time with people Seb,” insisted Mark.

An unpleasant thought crossed Mark's mind that of course Sebastian had in the past. It must be a hard instinct to shake off.

“Okay.”

“Even if you are going to spending the evening in another man's hotel room,” joked Mark trying to lighten the mood.

“ _Mark_.”

“I'm kidding, of course I am, come on Seb. I don't need to be jealous of Lewis do I?”

“Course not. And his brother's going to be there too.”

Mark laughed.

“Well if I was jealous I'm not sure saying there's another guy there too would help.”

“Very funny.”

“Besides I'm going to dinner with Jenson again tonight. You're not jealous are you?”

“No. Of course not, that's just Jense.”

“And this is just Lewis. It's fine Seb okay?” insisted Mark.

“Okay.”

“I'm pretty sure Lewis isn't interested in you like that anyway.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah I'm pretty certain of that too.”

“So then.”

“Yeah okay.”

Seb realised he was being silly. Of course Mark wasn't about to feel threatened by him spending time with someone else.

 

“You don't get jealous?” checked Sebastian, wondering if Mark was so secure he never gave in to such weakness.

Mark huffed another dry laugh.

“I'm jealous that he gets to spend time with you. I'm jealous of anyone that gets to spend time with you when I can't. I'm jealous of Britta, I'm jealous of the team, I'm jealous of the press.”

Sebastian laughed.

“You definitely don't need to be jealous of them.”

“No, well, anyway...”

“Yeah okay. I'm jealous that JB gets you to have dinner with and not me,” confessed Seb.

“I'd far rather it was you.”

“Me too.”

“So we're fine then aren't we?”

“Of course. I was just being silly.”

Mark shook his head.

“Not silly Seb. I'd far rather you said than worried about something, but we're good. I'm glad Lewis asked you. That's nice of him.”

Mark considered it very thoughtful of Lewis to include Sebastian in their plans for the evening. Just like Jenson was trying to keep him occupied tonight. It didn't take a genius to see what their friends were doing. It occurred to Mark that it wasn't impossible that as Jenson and Lewis were also friends they might be colluding in their plans.

 

“I'll call you before bed,” reminded Sebastian.

“Sure. I'll look forward to it. Have a good time, okay?”

“Thanks, you too.”

 

Seb hung up and set his shoulders back. Mark was right; it was always better to talk about it than worry unnecessarily. He pushed a few buttons on his phone and set about texting Lewis to make arrangements.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian knocked on the hotel bedroom door feeling oddly nervous. Luckily Mercedes were based in the same place as Redbull, only on a different floor which made this easier, but he still felt a bit weird about it.

Lewis swung the door open.

“Hey. You found us then?”

“Well you gave me the right number.”

Lewis grinned and ushered him in. It was a larger room than his, with far more living space.

“That would help, yeah. You've met my brother Nic haven't you?”

 

Seb looked over to see Lewis' younger brother getting up from the sofa to greet him. He was unsteady on his feet and for a moment Sebastian wanted to tell him not to bother going to the trouble, but Seb wondered if that wasn't patronising.

Nicolas came over and happily shook his hand.

“Hey Seb. Good to see you.”

“Yeah you too. Hope you've been having a good day,” replied Sebastian politely.

“Watching Lewis get pole is always a pretty good way to spend my day.”

Sebastian laughed and tipped his head.

“Yeah. Congrats by the way Lewis.”

Lewis shrugged. “We'll see if it does me more good than last weekend shall we?” He shook it off. “Right no more talk of work tonight. It's banned.”

“Righto,” accepted Sebastian. More than okay by him.

 

Sebastian took a seat on one couch as Nic did on another and Lewis went and fetched them all bottles of water as Nic turned the TV on to the right channel.

Lewis handed him a bottle and settled down next to his brother on the sofa.

“Water okay?” he checked.

“Good thanks.”

Lewis laughed.

“F1 drivers living the high life. James Hunt must be turning in his grave.”

Sebastian had to laugh back. A quiet night in, drinking water and being friendly to your rival. Not quite what the public imagined formula one drivers doing on a Saturday night.

 

The pre-match commentary came on and they interspersed it with harmless chat about the players and the weather.

“How's your driving going Nic?” wondered Sebastian.

“Ah well you know. Not bad. Sponsorship is a bit of an issue at the moment,” admitted Nicolas.

“Uh yeah and the fact that you tend to throw a rib or two whenever you drive, minor details like that,” added Lewis.

Seb tried not to look shocked.

“Really?”

Nic shrugged.

“I've had CP all my life. You get used to dealing with it. Can't let it get in the way can you?” he offered with perfect cheeriness.

“Damn right,” agreed his brother and clinked his bottle against Nic in a 'cheers' gesture.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

 

Seb looked at Nicolas admiring his irrepressible spirit. He raced when everyone must be telling him that he couldn't. He kept going even when he must be in pain, actual physical pain. He didn't let that stop him. Nothing could stop him. And more than that, Nic was happy. He seemed genuinely happy and unbowed by all life threw at him.

Seb had seen Nic around the paddock for years, he'd said hi to him whenever they'd passed, but they'd never really spent any time together. He'd never really taken the time to get to know him. Perhaps he'd never had the opportunity.

 

 

During half-time Nic turned and commented to Sebastian.

“Good job this was on or we'd just have been playing on the PS4.”

Seb shrugged. “That would've been okay.”

“You play?” asked Nic.

“A bit, when I'm home with my brother.”

“How is your brother?” wondered Lewis.

“Getting taller than me at this rate,” joked Sebastian.

“How old is he now?”

“Sixteen.”

“Really? I remember him being this tiny little squirt playing with his remote control cars in the paddock,” recalled Lewis.

Seb laughed.

“Me too. He still is in my head to be honest. It's almost a shock when I see how grown-up he's got.”

 

“Know what you mean,” agreed Lewis. He reached over and rubbed Nic's head.

Nicolas pushed his hand away.

“Geroff. Yeah shame your brother's not here Seb, then we could play something in teams and the two of us could humiliate you oldsters.”

Lewis laughed good-naturedly.

“Yeah that's true. Nic always wipes the floor with me when we play.”

“I'm sure you'd beat me too. Fabe usually does. Not that I'd tell him that obviously.”

“Obviously,” concurred Nic.

“Ah well he has more practice,” offered Lewis, referring to both their brothers.

“True. Last time I played a computer game with him was when I was home at Christmas and I lost miserably, although not as bad as Mark did mind you.”

“Oh really?” noted Lewis casually. It sounded as though Mark was quite one of the family.

Sebastian missed the inflection.

“Yeah. Not really his thing.”

Lewis nodded and did his best to ignore his brother smiling. They definitely weren't about to ask Seb what Mark's thing was.

 

 

The second half was about to start and Seb made himself comfortable, pulling off his hoody as it was still fairly warm.

Nic looked over.

“What's that?” he asked.

“Hmm?”

Sebastian frowned at them and then realised where Nic and now Lewis were looking.

“Oh umm.”

He moved his arm, about to tuck his wrist in, but why should he hide it?

“Is that a tattoo?” inquired Lewis.

“Umm, yeah.”

“What's it of?” wondered Nic.

Seb didn't know why he didn't want to talk about it. It felt private. Just something between him and Mark. But it was an innocent question and it would be rude to refuse to answer.

 

“It's a fish,” Seb explained.

Nic frowned.

“A fish?”

“Yeah.”

Lewis sent his brother a look telling him to leave it. Seb seemed uncomfortable for some reason. He wondered why Sebastian had chosen a fish and if it signified something.

“Cool,” praised Lewis. “I've got loads of tats.”

Sebastian must have had that done recently, it looked a bit pink and new. Lewis certainly didn't recall ever seeing it before.

 

“True,” agreed Nic. “I've got a few myself, but he's almost more ink than Lewis these days.”

“Ah shut up, no I'm not,” argued Lewis. “Besides mine aren't just decoration. They mean something.”

Sebastian nodded. So did his.

The whistle blew on the television and their attention was diverted. The subject wasn't brought up again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jenson looked at his friend across the dinner table.

“You're very quiet,” he noted.

“Am I? Sorry mate. Don't think I'm very good company this weekend I'm afraid,” Mark admitted.

“Nah that's okay. I know I'm not the date you'd like tonight.”

Mark slid him a lop-sided smile.

“Mm, well you know.”

“Certainly do mate. Don't take it the wrong way but if I had my pick, you wouldn't be my date either.”

The two of them laughed.

“Oh well. Guess we'll have to make do,” offered Mark.

“Are you worrying about Seb?” intuited Jenson.

Mark shrugged.

“I'm trying not to.”

“Which means you are.”

“Hmm.”

“We'll make sure the telly's on the garage tomorrow alright?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“He'll be fine. Seb's always fine isn't he?” suggested Jenson.

Mark frowned.

“He always _looks_ fine. That's not the same thing.”

 

Jenson nodded. Mark had been distracted all weekend, he was obviously struggling being apart from Sebastian. No wonder really given the amount they'd been through lately.

“Just one more day,” suggested Jenson, trying for a positive.

“Yeah, one more day.”

Jenson thought Mark sounded desperate for the next twenty-four hours to be gone. He reached over and patted Mark's arm.

“Got it bad haven't you?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder up.

“I'm not very good at being away from him,” he admitted.

Jenson gave him a smile.

“I noticed. I'm sure he misses you too.”

“I know he does. I almost wish he didn't.”

Jenson shook his head.

“No you don't. I miss Jess and she misses me. There'd be something wrong if you didn't miss each other.”

“Hm, I suppose. I just don't like to think of him being unhappy.”

“No of course not, but that's the price we pay isn't it? For loving someone that much. You can't stand it when they're away.”

“Does it get any easier?” wondered Mark thinking that Jenson and Jessica had been in this situation for years.

“Not really. I don't know. I suppose you get a bit more used to it.”

Mark huffed a mirthless laugh.

“I'm not sure I want to get used to it.”

“No, well, you've had a rotten time lately, of course you're worrying about Seb more. When things settle down it won't be so bad,” Jenson reassured.

 

Mark nodded. He knew that was true. It hadn't been anything like this painful when Sebastian had gone to the fly-away races earlier in the year. He'd missed him sure, but it hadn't been as torturous as this.

Jenson took a sip of his drink and Mark unconsciously mirrored him. He looked at Mark's wrist as his shirt sleeve slipped down.

“What is that you've had done?”

Mark looked where Jenson was staring.

“Oh it's just a thing.”

“A thing?”

“A tattoo.”

Jenson's eyebrows rose up.

“When did you get it?”

“Earlier in the week. It's only little.”

 

Mark shrugged. He'd kept a plaster over it while he was racing. It wasn't that he was hiding anything, he just didn't want it to rub on the cuff of his race-suit.

“I didn't think tattoos were your thing?”

“I wanted this one,” insisted Mark.

He said it rather finally and Jenson dropped the matter. Mark was understandably very sensitive this weekend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood by Lewis on the drivers' parade, waving to the crowd from the back of the fun bus. They were sat perched on the guardrail, sunglasses and caps on to protect them from the strong sun beating down.

“Thanks for last night,” offered Seb.

“No problem,” nodded Lewis.

“It was good to have a distraction, you know?”

“Yeah, for sure.”

“Is your brother in the garage for you today?” inquired Sebastian.

“Yeah, can't get rid of him,” joked Lewis.

Sebastian gave him an ironic little smile. He knew Lewis didn't mean that.

“He's amazing, your brother,” let out Seb. “I hope that's not, I don't know, I don't mean to be patronising.”

Lewis gave a tiny shake of his head.

“No that's okay. Yeah I know, Nic's incredible. I'm very lucky to have him as a brother.”

 

Sebastian nodded. That was such a nice way to look at it; Lewis was the one to regard himself as lucky, to be honoured to have such a brother and appreciate him. A more arrogant person might think Nic to be the lucky one to have a formula one world champion as an older brother with money and success and fame, but Lewis saw it the other way around. He was lucky to have a brother who was such an impressive person, who gave unstinting support and clearly thought the world of him. Just like Fabian did for him. Neither Nic nor Fabian seemed to resent their older brother's success in any way, neither one asking anything of them other than their company. It occurred to Sebastian that for all the money he had stashed in the bank no one in his family had ever asked him for a single Euro. He hoped they knew that he would help any one of them out if they ever needed it. Maybe he should offer?

 

Seb considered whether it was a rude question to ask, but dared going ahead.

“You know Nic was saying about his racing, about sponsorship?”

Seb hesitated and Lewis laughed.

“You're going to ask why I don't give him some money seeing as I've plenty?”

“Umm.” Seb couldn't deny that was what he had been thinking.

Lewis shook his head.

“You think I haven't offered? He won't take it. Nic wants to stand on his own two feet. Which sums him up in every other way too I guess,” he explained.

“Ah right, of course. Yeah having spent a bit of time with him I suppose I shouldn't be surprised,” offered Sebastian.

“How is your brother? I mean with everything that's been going on, it must be tough for him when he's so young.”

Lewis sounded genuinely interested and Seb gave another wave as they passed a grandstand before answering.

“Hmm, yeah you know even though I say I forget he's not a little kid any more, he's actually been really mature about it all. He's been unbelievable really.”

“Ah well he's your little brother isn't he? He loves you,” stated Lewis with sincerity.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

Maybe it was just that simple; your family loved you and nothing else really mattered. They were both very fortunate in that regard.

 

The parade interviewer popped up by their side and distracted them with inane questions about the upcoming race. Time to focus on that now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb stood in the garage going over the last few bits of preparation before getting in the car. He was still reeling slightly from the fact that Dr. Marko had come over and actually wished him luck. Helmut usually went out of his way to snub Sebastian these days so he wondered what had brought that on. Not sympathy, Seb was sure, probably just that Mark wasn't there for once. Helmut always seemed deeply uncomfortable seeing the two of them together even if the most shocking demonstration of affection between them was a hug.

For someone who had been around a hell of a long time Dr. Marko seemed to have lead a very sheltered life. He'd driven in F1 a bit all the way back in the 1970's when the paddock was a much less restrained place than it was these days. Seb wondered if Helmut had been such a moraliser back then. Last night Lewis had recounted some hilarious tales of misdemeanours that his boss Niki Lauda had told him about, mostly involving his old friend and rival James Hunt. Seb couldn't help wishing he could swap Helmut for Niki, he was much more fun by all accounts.

Christian came over and gave Sebastian a few encouraging words which Seb nodded along to. Time to get down to business. He shifted his cuff down a little bit so it wasn't resting too tightly on his wrist. The tattoo stung a little bit in this heat, but that was okay, it was a reminder that it was there. Time to go for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark hopped out of the car and tried to get a quick look over at the television screen before dutifully going over things with the team. Seb was holding fourth, that was okay, fourth was okay. Hungary was a bugger to overtake on, if Seb could get that as a result Mark thought that would be pretty creditable.

As the mechanics tweaked something on the car, Mark took the chance to go and properly watch the race for a bit. He went and stood by Jenson's side.

Jenson gave him a smile.

“He's going fine,” he reassured.

Mark nodded. No point pretending that wasn't all he was worried about today. The FOM cameras were focussed on a ding between a couple of back-markers, replaying the moment the front-wings had clashed and partially snapped off. No sign of Sebastian being anywhere in the vicinity at the time, so that was okay. There was debris on the track despite the two cars limping back to the pits, so the safety car was out and the shots were now of brave marshals whipping out brooms on track and clearing it away while the rest of the cars neatly lined up to troll around until it was all sorted out.

 

A call came for Mark, asking him to get back in the car to do a comparison run with the altered car.

“I'll keep an eye on him for you,” promised Jenson.

Mark nodded. It was probably a ridiculous notion to think that it was good someone was watching over Sebastian, as if his family wouldn't be watching the race back at home, but at least this way Mark knew Jenson could update him as soon as he got back.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in his car talking to the team on the radio, checking through a few things to make sure everything was running okay. He was really doing it not because he was worried, but because he was bored running lap after lap in the safety car train. Seb had already caught himself thinking that in just a few hours he would be back home and seeing Mark. It wasn't time for that yet. He needed to keep his mind on the job. At least this safety car had destroyed the Mercedes cars' lead on everyone which they had painstakingly built up in the first two-thirds of the race. Perhaps that wasn't fair, but that was racing. They all knew the score.

Word came through that the safety car was due in later this lap, ready the foot, eyes everywhere, here we go again.

 

 

 

Jenson watched on the screen as the safety car peeled into the pits and the two Mercedes at the front shot away from the rest of the field like cats with their tails on fire. Ho hum, it really was a hell of a car.

 

 

 

Sebastian pulled up on his marks and barely had time to take a breath before everything was done and he was away again. Another beautiful pitstop by the guys. He'd better make a point of praising them when he got out at the end.

Daniel had completed his last stop already. They were both on softs and Dan's were only two laps older, but that might make a difference, you never knew. He had to at least try to catch him up and see what he could make happen.

 

 

 

Mark clambered out of the car and looked over to Jenson who gave him the thumbs up from the other side of the garage. He wondered what that meant; something good, but standard good or _good,_ good? Mark pulled off his helmet and got a view of the screen; Still fourth, okay well that was fine, that was what Jenson must have meant. He went over and gave his feedback, trying not to obviously be hurrying in any way.

 

A few minutes later Mark managed to go over to join Jenson without feeling he had neglected his task. Jenson's face was animated.

“Ooh mate it's all hotting up!” Jenson exclaimed.

Mark frowned as he looked at the standings on the screen. 1; Lewis, 2; Nico, 3; Daniel, 4; Sebastian. Exactly the same as it had been since they lined up on the grid.

“What's happening?” he asked, trying not to sound too anxious.

“The Mercs are slowing. They're definitely slowly. The lap times are falling off and I think something's up,” explained Jenson.

Mark leaned in closer to the screen as if that would help clarify things.

Nico's voice came on the radio, high-pitched and stressed.

“Please tell me what is going on with the car?” asked Nico.

“Okay Nico we're looking into it but it seems things are overheating. Your team-mate has the same issue. Hold steady for now,” advised his engineer in reply.

 

Jenson looked at Mark with raised eyebrows.

“Doesn't sound too perky does he?” remarked Jenson chipperly.

Mark could only nod, one eye on the screen at all times. He wished it would show Seb but FOM were unsurprisingly keen to focus on the two Mercedes.

“They've been at it hammer and tongs since the safety car,” recalled Jenson.

“The Mercs?”

“Yeah. Nico's been all over Lewis, think they may have screwed themselves.”

 

Mark had to smile at that. He didn't actively wish ill on anybody, especially not Lewis when he had been so decent to Seb, but if that gave Sebastian half a chance today it was impossible not to be glad about it.

The camera shot changed and briefly showed that Sebastian was now close behind Daniel.

“Oh wow,” let out Mark accidentally.

Jenson smiled. “Yeah told you, it's all about to kick off I reckon.”

Mark looked at the screen again. Only twelve laps to go, anything could still happen.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian's engineer came on the radio informing him that both Hamilton and Rosberg were falling back and everything was now to play for.

Okay, okay, thought Sebastian as calmly as he could. This was an opportunity and he had to take it. So what if this track was almost as bad as Monaco for over-taking? At least here you weren't going to wind up in the wall or the harbour. He pushed away memories of the difficulties he had encountered here before. That was the past, only the present and the future mattered. Time to push, see what he could make happen.

 

 

 

Mark stood with his eyes locked on the screen as the two Mercedes slipped back and back as they each fought to prevent their cars from expiring altogether. Soon enough it was a train of four cars looping the track, Lewis and Nico frantically trying to make their cars as wide as possible knowing that Daniel and Sebastian were waiting ready to pounce.

With only eight laps to go Daniel took his life in his hands and flung his RedBull around the outside of turn one to overtake Rosberg.

Mark smiled and shook his head, it was a beautiful move, almost a carbon copy of his overtake on Alonso last year. Ah well, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

There was a round of applause in the Porsche garage and Mark was surprised to see that a large number of the team had gravitated away from their tasks to watch the end of the grand prix.

 

Sebastian was trying to find a place to push his way by as well, but there was no room and Nico was extra wary now. Damn. Okay, thought Mark, eight laps to go, still time.

Within another lap Daniel was all over Lewis and Mark watched with no surprise as Dan took advantage of the DRS and floored the RedBull to take the lead. He had to applaud along with everyone else, Dan had earned it, ever since joining the senior team he'd proved himself a fearless overtaker and no respecter of reputations. You had to admire it.

Mark refocussed his attention on Sebastian. If Dan could do it surely Seb could?

 

 

 

 

Christian came on the radio and informed Sebastian that Daniel had taken the lead. Seb knew what that meant; Pull your finger out.

Fuck. Every time he got close he seemed to run out of road. Only six laps to go now, he had to at least take Rosberg and get on the podium. He had to.

Coming back onto the main straight Sebastian hung onto the back of Rosberg and told himself that anything other than getting by wasn't an option. He flicked the DRS, hammered the throttle and hurled himself up the inside where only a year ago he'd nearly wiped himself out on the pitwall. Fuck it. If he failed they wouldn't have far to wheel him back to the garage.

He passed right in front of the RedBull pitwall station and Christian instinctively sat further back on his stool, sure he had felt the vibration as Sebastian shot by. He jumped onto the radio.

“That's it Sebi. Now Lewis, come on!”

 

 

Mark puffed out a breath, he was sure Rosberg was going to edge Seb too far over and end his day in disaster there, but he'd got by. Course he had. Mark should have more faith. He glanced at Jenson who grinned his approval and then noticed on his other side there now stood Andreas, the whole team now seeming to be taking a break to see what was going to unfurl in the race.

 

 

 

Sebastian was getting a great view of the rear of the Mercedes today, he could give the engineers plenty of notes after the race. He had closed up on Lewis but he seemed to be anticipating his every move and for now he was stuck. Coming into the straight again Sebastian tried the DRS, but Lewis seemed to have found a hidden few horsepower and kept his car ahead. Damn and damn again. At this rate he was going to be damaging his tyres running in the heat of the exhaust. In this already hot weather he couldn't afford to ruin them or he would have no chance.

Seb backed off for half a lap before closing in again, he couldn't let this opportunity slip. Lewis might be his friend off the track, but that counted for nothing in the race where it was every man for himself. He moved in.

 

 

Mark watched unblinking as the gap dropped down tenth by tenth, willing Seb on. He held his breath as Sebastian shoved his nose up the inside of Lewis' car going into turn twelve.

Oh god, oh god, it was too tight, they were going to touch, they were going to crash. He couldn't look. He couldn't not look.

There was a puff of smoke and for a second Mark couldn't tell where it was coming from, but then he saw it was Lewis's rear tyres as he capitulated and braked suddenly to prevent the cars colliding. By the time the air cleared Sebastian was in front.

 

A cheer went up in the garage and Mark looked around him slightly stunned to hear the support. Jenson was unashamedly whooping and Mark felt a pat on his arm from his boss.

“That was ballsy,” praised Andreas.

Mark just smiled and nodded. Of course it was, what did anyone expect? Seb was a racer.

 

 

 

Sebastian was also smiling inside his helmet.

“ _Yes!”_ he shouted down the radio.

So what if that wasn't for the lead? It felt great. He hung on around the long curves of the two tight bends that followed and then put his foot down again along the straight. As he took a moment to relax and let the car do the work, Seb realised that he was actually feeling the strain. Maybe he was getting old, or maybe it was just the heat? Hungary was a short track but a long race. Round and round and round. Only four laps to go. Daniel must be well away by now. Seb had probably hurt his tyres by taking longer to get past the Mercedes. He should probably just pull a safe gap on them and coast home.

Seb was not about to do anything of the kind.

 

 

 

Mark watched nervously as Sebastian overtook back-markers trying to make up the gap to the front. Every time he went by someone Mark watched anxiously to see that they didn't do something stupid and nerf Seb off track. Only two laps to go now. Daniel was still half a second ahead. There was no hope of catching him despite the fact that Sebastian was posting purple lap after purple lap.

Jenson turned and frowned slightly.

“He's not going to catch him is he?”

Mark just gave a knowing smile.

“That's not the point mate,” he explained.

Mark knew exactly what this was about. This wasn't about wild unrealistic hopes or reckless driving, this was about pride, it was about not giving up until the chequered flag fell.

'Go on Seb, show em what you're made of,' thought Mark happily.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian held the turn into the final corner, having to really put some effort into keeping the car on the track. The tyres were destroyed now. Another lap and he would be stuffed, but the flag was waiting just a hundred feet away. He could see Daniel ahead taking the applause of the team and starting to zig-zag the track in celebration. Fair enough, Dan deserved the win but at least Seb could hold his head up, just let the press ask him about commitment now.

He slowed past the pitwall and waved at the team cheering him, then pulled alongside his team-mate who had deliberately dropped his speed to let him catch up. Sebastian gave Daniel a little salute. Two years in a row he'd won here and it was one of the few places Seb had never triumphed. Maybe next year? He'd have liked it if he could have had the chance to really battle Daniel at the end, challenge for the win. Perhaps if he'd got by the Mercedes a bit quicker that might have been possible, but there was no point getting too hung up on it. Spa was the next race, he'd not gone too badly there in the past, there was always another chance to try again and do better. Seb had almost forgotten about his wrist being a little tender in the heat but he felt it again now; keep going, keep pushing, next time he would have another chance and who knew what the result might be.

 

 

 

 

Mark watched as Sebastian stood up in his car in Parc Ferme and waved before getting out to hug Daniel and then Lewis in congratulations. He restrained himself from waving back at the screen in front of everyone here at Porsche, they'd probably think he was crazy. The team was starting to disperse now the race was over, but no one chided Mark for staying put and watching as Sebastian took to the podium and received his trophy for second place. Mark wished he could be watching in real life, stood under the podium to applaud him. Seb would know though wouldn't he? He'd know how proud of him Mark was.

 

 

Seb chatted happily with Dan and Lewis in the podium ante-room. He couldn't think of anyone else from the grid he'd rather be sharing the podium with. It was way too hot and was dying to strip off his race-suit that was sticking to him, but for now he made do with downing as much water as possible. They walked out to general applause from the gathered crowd and Sebastian stepped onto the second step. He didn't care if it was arrogant to think that he belonged here, or better still one step up. Next time, next time. Sebastian wondered if Mark was watching or if he'd been stuck in the car. He hoped he'd seen. Seb didn't care if that was needy, he wanted Mark to see this. If he had any chance to, Seb knew Mark would. He knew that for sure.

 

 

Mark watched as Dan jigged about giddily and gave Sebastian a bear hug. Lewis reached over and heartily slapped Seb's arm as well. He didn't seem to be sulking despite his loss of the lead, Mark wondered if that was entirely unconnected to the fact that Rosberg had fallen away horribly at the end, finishing in a dispiriting seventh place and would be taking home a good chunk less points than Lewis. Possibly not.

Mark sighed as the champagne finished being sprayed and the drivers left the stage. Time to wrap up the day here and see what needed doing to complete their testing programme. He stole another minute and fished out his phone from his bag on the side and quickly sent Sebastian a couple of texts.

 

MARK: Okay **now** I'm jealous. Wish I was there with you. It should be me giving you those hugs.

MARK: BTW you may not recognise me at the airport, think I've gone entirely grey watching you pull that overtake on Lewis ;)

MARK: I'm so proud of you. Speak as soon as we're done here. Let me know when yr free. Love you XXX

 

He shook his head and made himself stop running on and put his phone away. Back to work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian shifted his flight-bag up on his shoulder and pulled his case behind him as they made their way along at the airport. The team was all around him, happily chatting about plans for the summer break. Seb couldn't wait, he was tired now, thank god they were almost there.

 

He stepped out into the main hallway and scanned the crowd. Mark was tall, he ought to be able to spot him easily enough, somewhere, somewhere...

Sebastian spied a wide grin and a smile split his face. He dumped his bags on the floor and sprinted over to fling himself at Mark knowing he'd catch him. He threw his arms around Mark's neck and felt arms go around in turn as they met in a kiss so hard it almost surprised them both.

They pulled back, arms still keeping them together and Sebastian beamed to see Mark's lovely warm eyes looking back at him.

“Hello to you too,” laughed Mark.

 

The two of them finally noticed the cheering and laughter from the rest of the team as they went by.

Mark nodded at a few ironic _“Hello Mark”_ s that were offered in passing from amused former colleagues and tried not to laugh as he overheard one of the mechanics moaning that his wife was never so pleased to see him when he got home.

Seb dismissed the teasing from his team, he knew it was well meant and not unkind. He decided to ignore them completely and returned his attention to Mark who was nicely pressed in reminding him that they were really right there together as they had been longing to be. Seb kept his arms around Mark's neck and pushed up on his toes to kiss Mark more slowly, lips parting and tongues tangling, neither one of them giving a damn how many people were watching when it felt so good.

 

“Get a room,” jested a familiar voice going by.

Sebastian didn't miss a beat. He continued kissing Mark and simply moved one hand to give the voice a single fingered sign that was universally understood.

Finally running out of oxygen they parted and Seb dropped down, re-opening eyes he didn't realise he had closed. Seb looked over in the general direction of where the comment had come from and his eyes widened as he realised why he recognised the voice.

“Oops.”

Mark finally loosened his grip on Sebastian and turned to look.

Walking away chuckling to himself was none other than Christian Horner.

Seb bit his lip looking slightly guilty and Mark shook his head.

“Did you just give your boss the finger?”

“Umm...”

Mark started laughing and Sebastian shrugged and joined in. Ah well, Christian didn't look too upset about it.

“I think we should take his advice,” suggested Mark.

“Well he _is_ my boss.”

 

Some advice you absolutely shouldn't ignore.

 

 

 

 


	62. Off The Clock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay, but my computer plotted against me and lost a chunk of this so I had to re-write it.
> 
> Anyways, finally off on holiday and my don't they need it?  
> (Warning; This chapter includes fluff and stuff).

* * *

 

 

 

Mark and Sebastian were ferrying the last few boxes of Seb's things from his car. There wasn't much seeing as the rest had been professionally shifted by the movers, but now the house was finally empty, the paperwork signed and the keys handed over to the estate agent. It was officially no longer Seb's house.

Mark deposited the last box on top of the pile that had built up just inside the front door and turned to smile at Sebastian.

“All done then?”

Sebastian nodded happily.

“All done.”

Mark leant in and gave him a kiss.

“Welcome home.”

Seb laughed. They both knew that the change was essentially symbolic seeing as Sebastian had really been living here in practice for many months, but the symbolism was important.

“This has always been my home,” insisted Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“Yes it has, and now it always will be.”

 

He gave Seb a hug and Sebastian squeezed him back, letting out a sigh.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

“Yup. All good.”

Sebastian looked about and thought how wonderful it was that this really was his home now. He pulled away a bit and regarded Mark a little more seriously.

“You are going to let me start sharing the bills properly now aren't you?”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“I suppose.”

He didn't really care about that sort of thing seeing as he had more than enough money to cover expenses, but if they were to be jointly sharing this house as _theirs_ then they ought to be equal partners.

“Maybe we should get a joint bank account for all that to make it easier?” suggested Mark.

“Oh, umm yeah okay,” agreed Seb.

“Yeah? We don't have to, it's just an idea.”

Mark wondered if that was hesitation on Sebastian's part.

“No no, it's a good idea.”

Sebastian shrugged as he reconciled himself to the idea.

“I don't know why that seems a bigger deal than moving in,” he admitted.

Mark smiled.

“Probably because we've already been living together on and off for a year and a half now.”

“True. Yeah. No that's a really good idea, then we can just put money in and not worry about having to sort things out.”

It was just something new, something Seb hadn't considered, that was all. It made perfect sense; a shared home, a joint account, one life lived together.

 

“Great, well we can go into town tomorrow, sort that, get our holiday money changed, pick up anything else we need and then we'll be all set,” proposed Mark.

Sebastian nodded consent and Mark was glad to see that he seemed to have settled into agreement. They may have been living together for many months, but now they had to finalise all the little details that made it real.

With that sorted out Mark suggested they had a cup of tea to celebrate which seemed fitting to seal the ordinariness of how things really were. Something that was reinforced as they were immediately pounced on by the dogs who had been shut away in the kitchen to prevent them getting in the way and potentially tripping one of them up and breaking their neck while they carried things in.

 

 

 

Mark got up from the kitchen table and washed their mugs in the sink.

“Suppose we ought to shift those boxes before we fall over them.”

“Righto,” agreed Sebastian.

They dumped them in what used to be Seb's room. Sebastian looked around. It seemed like such a long time since it had been his room.

“Thank you,” offered Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“No trouble.”

Of course he had helped move things, why wouldn't he?

Seb stepped in closer and slid his arms around to sit at the small of Mark's back, tipping his head up slightly to look at Mark.

“No. _Thank you._ For everything. Just everything.”

Mark looked into his eyes and knew what Seb meant. He simply nodded and put his hand onto Sebastian's cheek and stroked it with his thumb.

“Off on holiday soon,” he reminded.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian pushed up a little and pressed his lips to Mark's, disappearing into a longer unhurried kiss. The summer break, thank god. No more rushing about just to stand still, no more being separated, no more world interfering and making life unbearable.

 

Moving back, Seb's smile widened.

“Perhaps we could get a head start?” he suggested.

Mark wondered what Seb meant for a moment, then as Sebastian raised an eyebrow he laughed.

“Oh. Yes that's an excellent idea.”

“Mm, I thought so,” agreed Sebastian.

He took Mark's hand and lead him through to their bedroom. Their bedroom in their house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They stood in the lounge area of their holiday 'hut' taking in what it had to offer as their host showed them about and her assistant took their bags through into the bedroom. 'Hut' was the word used in the brochure, but it was a laughably inadequate word to describe their accommodation. It was only a hut in the sense that the building was made of wood.

There was a spacious lounge with two comfortably cushioned rattan sofas and a wide-screen television that most guests never actually switched on. To the side there was a kitchenette area that the host was explaining had everything they needed and was restocked with essential food and drink each day.

“Anything extra you'd like, just ask. If you like any particular drink, or types of fruit, or anything really, it's no trouble, just ask.”

“Thanks.”

“And you're more than welcome at the restaurant at the hotel for all meals, but equally you can ring through and they will be delivered at whatever time you like,” she ran on.

They nodded and Sebastian smiled at Mark, giving him a look to hint that the chef would doubtless be thrilled if they requested dinner at midnight. Mark hid a laugh back, they'd never dream of being inconsiderate, but the idea of being waited on hand and foot was rather nice for once.

 

They took a few steps forward as their host swung open the double french windows and looked out at the wide verandah. To the left was a dinning table and chairs, to the right some luxurious looking sun loungers set in front of another set of doors.

“So that's the bedroom,” noted the host, walking them back in and going through the door from the living area into the bedroom.

It was simply decorated, the main attraction being the large bed in the centre from which there was a view through the panelled glass doors out to the beach and the sea.

“And this door is to the bathroom,” continued the host. “Everything you need is in there, but if you need anything extra, anything at all, just ask, it's no trouble.”

 

It seemed nothing was any trouble. Mark reflected that at this price it ought not to be, but he didn't mind. All they wanted was to be left in peace and this hut was set well away from the main hotel in a nice secluded spot; perfect.

“Right then, so you're all set?” asked the host.

“I can't think we'll need anything,” confirmed Sebastian contentedly.

The host nodded and only reminded them that all the numbers they required were by the phone in the lounge and cleared out to give them their own space.

 

 

 

Mark opened up the bedroom doors onto the verandah and they stepped out. There was a gentle breeze which was very welcome in this heat. He suspected that they were unlikely to need to shut the doors at any point.

Seb walked further along to stand in the middle of the verandah, sheltered from direct sunlight by the roof which ran to the limit of the wooden decking. He stood by the steps down, looking each way to see how far away the other guest huts were. He could hardly see them so he estimated they were at least 100 yards away in either direction, each tucked into the tree-line. Nice and private.

Mark walked up behind him and wrapped his arms right around Seb, resting his cheek against Seb's temple.

“Perfect.”

The white sand of the beach lay empty before them, the sea gently ebbing at the edge only 50 yards away. The sky a faultless azure blue, the sun high in the sky keeping things just on the verge of being too hot if there hadn't been that breath of wind.

Sebastian laughed.

“I don't know, it looks like an arduous trek to the beach.”

Mark huffed a laugh as he counted the wooden steps.

“Hm, yeah that's what, two, three steps?”

The last one was half covered in sand so it was hard to tell, either way it was clearly going to be a horrendous effort to drag themselves all that distance each day.

 

Sebastian turned around in Mark's arms and smiled back at him.

“Perfect.”

 

They stood smiling at one another, feeling as though they were finally relieved of all the weight that had been resting on them for so long.

Seb lifted his arms and propped them on Mark's shoulders so they could kiss for a while.

 

“So,” started Mark. “What do you fancy? A swim? Something to eat? Look about?”

“Hmm, I though we should just check things are alright in there. You know, make sure everything's in order.”

“In order?”

“Mm. Yes. I was thinking we ought to make sure that the bed works for starters,” Seb grinned.

Mark coughed with laughter.

“You'll get no objection from me. Swim later?”

Maybe much later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark woke feeling cool and aware that he was in a strange place. It took a moment to remember where he was and that the low temperature was due to the fact that they had left the doors partially open when they went to bed. Mark sat up and saw they were further open now, the sheer curtain ruffling slightly in the breeze. More to the point Sebastian was missing from his side. He rubbed his eyes and went out to investigate.

 

He found Seb sat on the edge of the verandah steps looking out at the sea. It wasn't yet light and Mark wondered what time it was.

Sebastian had only pulled on a pair of shorts to go outside and the air was a little cold on his skin but it felt nice where he had caught the sun yesterday once they had finally got around to sitting outside before dinner. He heard shuffling footsteps and turned around.

“You look like a hobo.”

Mark was wearing the thin quilt from their bed wrapped around him. He smiled and ducked down slightly back from Seb.

“We're racing drivers, we are hobos.”

Constantly traipsing around the world from place to place, it certainly felt that way sometimes.

“What are you doing out here?” inquired Mark softly.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Time difference. I couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't want to wake you,” he explained.

Mark nodded. They were running four hours behind the UK, so that made sense.

“I always know when you're not there,” pointed out Mark.

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head. It didn't matter.

“You're alright aren't you?” Mark checked.

“Yeah, just, you know, thinking.”

 

That sounded ominous. Mark rearranged the cover around him so he could kneel down properly behind Seb, parting his legs so he could sit up close and slide his arms around him, dropping his chin down on Seb's shoulder and tipping his head to the side so he could still see Seb's face.

“You're not worrying about stuff?”

“I was just thinking where we were a year ago.”

“Hmm?”

Mark still felt half asleep.

“I'd just moved out again.”

Mark gave a little laugh, the breath tickling against Sebastian's neck.

“And now you've just moved in again.”

“Yeah.”

It seemed far longer than a year ago. Seb took in a nice deep inhale, appreciating the feeling of Mark leaning into him, making him feel reassured and settled down.

“I went to my parents' and you were in Spain,” recalled Sebastian.

Mark gave a little nod. He couldn't work out now how on earth it was that he had been separated from Seb by his own free will. What had he been playing at?

 

“I don't want to think about the year before that,” admitted Seb.

Mark felt Sebastian's body tense up and he gently rubbed his hands over Seb's skin. He didn't want to think about it either. To Heikki the summer break meant open season on Sebastian; no prying eyes from the team to see injuries and ask questions, isolated in Switzerland with no one around to help, leaving Seb completely at his mercy, of which Heikki had none. All the terrible things Seb had told him had happened still horrified Mark. Only two years ago? Not so very long ago really. It was all still there under the skin.

“Don't then darling,” advised Mark.

He moved and lightly kissed Sebastian's shoulder, his shoulder blade, the top of his spine.

Mark wished he could simply kiss it better, that he could just love Seb enough and it would make it all okay, but life didn't work that way.

Sebastian moved his hands to cover Mark's still resting on his chest and closed his eyes for a moment to feel his lips on his skin. Mark was so gentle, so caring and loving. The polar opposite of Heikki. He just had to concentrate on that and forget the rest.

 

As Mark moved back up to kiss Sebastian's shoulder again Seb stroked his thumbs over the back of Mark's hands.

“I wish I could just delete it all from my mind.”

Mark rested his chin back down on Seb's shoulder and nodded.

“Yeah I know. Me too.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Try to shut it out. Don't let it spoil things,” advised Mark.

Seb nodded. This was their holiday. He couldn't let Heikki ruin it.

“It just sneaks in when I'm not paying attention,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark gave a slow nod against him.

“Well close the door, keep it out.”

“I want to lock it and throw away the key.”

 

Mark smiled. He sat back a bit and mimed turning a lock in Sebastian's head and then handed him the imaginary key. Seb sat away a fraction and took the key and threw it into the sea.

They both watched it go, almost seeing it splash through the surface of the water and drop down to be swept away by the tide.

“There we go,” stated Mark firmly.

Seb nodded and they moved back in against each other, letting out a joint long breath. Mark rested his head by Sebastian's and they continued to look out at the ocean. The first light of dawn was edging the horizon, but the moonlight still sparkled on the ridges of the waves. It was a beautiful and peaceful sight, the only noise that of the tide washing up and down the sand.

 

 

 

Mark jerked his head back.

“Nearly fell asleep there,” he confessed.

Sebastian gave a little smile. The combination of the peaceful setting and Mark had helped him feel so much better.

“Do you want to go back to bed?”

“Mm, it's nice out here.”

Mark glanced back at the loungers.

“Why don't we have a lie down there?” he proposed.

“Okay.”

Mark stood up awkwardly and hitched the quilt over his shoulders. Seb following.

“You got anything on under that?” inquired Sebastian.

Mark moved a corner forward a bit and peaked in as if checking for himself.

“Nope,” he grinned.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

 

There were two loungers but they were nice and wide so Mark sat down and pulled Seb to fit on by him, turning on his side slightly and opening the quilt to wrap it around them both so he could hold Seb in his arms.

“Good job no one's around,” joked Sebastian, thinking if anyone had been looking they would have got quite an eyeful then. Thankfully they seemed to be the only people about.

Mark huffed a laugh back and merely squeezed him tighter, planting a kiss on his forehead as Seb settled on his chest.

 

Sebastian slid his arm over Mark's toned stomach and Mark followed it with his own. Seb turned his wrist slightly so that they touched their tattoos next to one another.

“Yeah,” whispered Mark.

They knew what it meant.

Sebastian angled his head so he could see Mark smiling at him.

“We'll always be together,” Seb uttered quietly.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark equally softly.

They took a deeper breath and Mark squeezed him in with his free arm.

“We're tied now. That's how it is. Forever,” stated Mark.

“Forever,” echoed Sebastian.

 

He snuggled into Mark feeling nice and warm. Seb couldn't sleep before but now he felt drowsy.

“Mein Liebe, mein Liebling, mein Alles,” breathed Seb into Mark's chest.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark softly.

He leant his cheek down on Sebastian's head and watched as his eyes flickered closed and Seb fell asleep. Mark wanted to stay like this; cocooned in warmth together, holding Seb tight, far away from the world that kept hurting him. Just like this, forever.

Mark watched the sky blush with the arriving dawn, thinking it was ironic that Seb had said he couldn't sleep and was now out like a light, whilst he lay awake. But the feeling of Sebastian breathing steadily against him and the cosiness of their situation combined with the recurrent sound of the sea soon enough lulled Mark and he joined Seb to lie fast asleep in each other's arms.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was some hours before the warmth of the sun was sufficient to rouse them and they got up properly and went for a run along the beach to wake their brains. When they got back Mark rang through to request breakfast and they re-emerged from showering and changing to find that it had miraculously appeared and been laid out on the table waiting for them.

 

Sebastian picked up a piece of sliced mango and smiled.

“I could get used to this.”

“Mm, me too,” agreed Mark.

 

 

It was such a relief not to have to live their lives against the clock for a while. No one chivvying them along to be in places for certain times or to fulfil obligations that they would far rather not. No schedules, no media, no demands, no measuring themselves against other's expectations. No one to please but each other.

 

 

 

They set themselves up on the beach needing little more than a couple of towels and bottles of water, and proceeded to make only the vaguest of efforts to read some books.

Mark pulled off his sunglasses and rolled over to address Sebastian.

“You awake under those sunnies?”

Seb lifted them and looked over.

“Mm, yeah.”

“Fancy a swim?”

“Sure.”

He was starting to get a bit too hot, a cool off in the sea was very appealing right now.

 

 

 

They mucked about in the water for a while, mixing it up with a little bit of proper swimming and it somehow reminded Mark of home for all that there was a change in temperature. He swam over to Sebastian and took a hold of him around the waist while they found a footing on the shifting sands underneath.

“You know I'm going to miss your pool.”

“Mm, me too. To be honest it's really the only thing I'll miss about my old place.”

Seb slipped his arms over Mark's shoulders to keep them steady in the bobbing tide.

“I was wondering...”

Sebastian paused, considering whether he ought to voice the thought he'd had.

“Hm?” encouraged Mark.

“Well, I don't know if it's really my place, seeing as I've only just really moved in...”

Mark frowned, trying to work out what Seb was trying to say.

“I mean there's plenty of space, so I was thinking maybe we could have one there?”

“Build one?”

“Umm, yeah,” agreed Seb shyly.

 

Mark nodded slowly considering the matter. There was plenty of space, that was true and they were going to miss having the pool.

“Maybe, I don't know, I'm not sure what the restrictions are, but...”

Sebastian perked up.

“I could get it for you as your birthday present.”

Mark laughed.

“Um, some people just give books or sweaters Seb.”

Sebastian sagged a little.

“Oh. Is it inappropriate?”

Mark laughed gently again and leant in to give him a little kiss to cheer Seb up.

“No, it's a lovely idea and it is your place, I mean literally it's your place, _our_ place now, but that's maybe a bit over the top as a present.”

“I owe you so much though.”

Mark shook his head.

“You don't owe me anything.”

“Even for living there for free all this time?”

“Not for anything Seb, okay?”

Mark looked at Sebastian quite seriously. He wanted him to understand that.

“Okay,” accepted Seb. “So?”

Mark shrugged a little.

“It is a good idea though. We can look into it, but if we do it we'll share the cost, okay?”

“Okay. You bought me this holiday as a present though.”

Seb raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah okay, so I'm a hypocrite.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“No, I guess a holiday isn't _quite_ so big.”

“And this is for both of us,” noted Mark.

Seb could have pointed out that the pool would be for both of them too, but he didn't want to argue.

 

“Guess I'll have to think of something else for your birthday now. Any suggestions?”

Mark shook his head, he couldn't think of anything he wanted that he didn't have now.

“Sweater it is then,” joked Sebastian.

Mark laughed and pulled him in a little closer.

“A sweater would be lovely mate, cheers.”

Seb rolled his eyes. So much for that idea. Now he only had four weeks to think of something to give Mark. What on earth where you meant to give someone when you'd happily give them everything you owned?

 

 

 

They settled back on their towels on the beach, letting the sun dry their dripping wet bodies. Mark found himself staring at the droplets on Seb's skin, thinking about how great he looked.

“You're staring at me,” noted Sebastian.

“Hm? Am I? Sorry, can't help myself,” Mark admitted.

Seb smiled back, not quite sure how to respond to that.

Mark reached over and brushed the water off Seb's shoulders.

“You're going a bit pink mate.”

Sebastian paused, wondering for a moment if he meant his cheeks, but then he looked and saw that his shoulders were looking a little burnt. He spent plenty of time in hot countries but they were always covered by a t-shirt. Mark looked fine, but then he had a darker complexion than Seb.

“Not everyone had the advantage of growing up in a hot country,” pointed out Sebastian.

Mark smiled and found the sunscreen, chucking it over to Seb.

 

 

“Want me to do your back?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian passed it back to Mark and he began carefully pouring it onto Seb's shoulders before massaging it in.

“Thanks.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and let himself take in the feeling of Mark running his hands over his skin, letting out a contented little noise.

Mark grinned and moved in closer.

“Nice?”

“Very nice.”

“Good.”

Mark ran his hands down Sebastian's arms and leant in around to kiss his cheek.

“Okay, lie down then,” instructed Mark.

 

Seb did as he was bade and let Mark rub the lotion into his legs before swapping and doing the same for him, enjoying taking his time feeling Mark's nice warm skin.

“All done.”

Mark sat himself back up.

“I feel like something ready to go on the barbie,” he joked.

Sebastian laughed.

“Mmm very tasty.”

Mark chuckled and moved in to kiss Seb properly. As they sat apart, Sebastian sighed.

“Thank you so much for sorting all this. It is a lovely present.”

“No problem.”

“It's perfect here. I haven't felt this relaxed since, well, since ever...”

Mark smiled back.

“Good. Then that's all the thanks I need.”

To see Seb happy was all Mark wanted. He had to admit this was pretty awesome though; the weather was stunning, the place, the company. He could see another couple further down the beach to the right, presumably the occupants of the next hut along, and back the other way there were the outlines of a few more and presumably the beach got a little busier up by the hotel, but they were left well alone here which was just what they wanted. Even looking out to sea there was nothing visible but a few boats too far out to bother them. Perfect.

 

They found their sunglasses again and settled back down to let themselves bake in the heat for a while. Sebastian positioned himself by Mark, lowering himself in to lie partly across his chest.

He felt Mark's body vibrate with laugher.

“I'm going to end up with a Seb-shaped tan line.”

“I can move,” offered Sebastian starting to lift himself up.

“No no.”

Mark pulled him back in, holding Seb in place with his arm wrapped around him.

“You're just where I want you,” he insisted.

Mark felt rather than saw Sebastian smile against him. He closed his eyes and unwound as he only truly could with Seb like this.

Sebastian let out a long sigh and with it he felt as though all his hang-ups and worries had floated away as if they were being taken by the tide back to the real world far from here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark opened his eyes as he felt Sebastian sit up. He wasn't sure if he hadn't drifted off a little.

“Alright?” Mark checked as he pushed himself up to follow.

Sebastian turned back to look at him.

“Hmm, think I might actually be cooking.”

Mark had no idea what time it, but the sun was high and it certainly felt hot. Early afternoon perhaps.

“Maybe we should get out of the sun for a while?” he suggested.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

 

They gathered up their things and headed back to the hut, shaking out their towels and placing them over the railing to dry and depositing their things on the sun loungers. Sebastian felt sticky and overheated.

“You know, I think I might jump in the shower.”

Mark nodded.

“Good idea. I might jump in with you.” He slid Sebastian a smile. “If that's alright?”

Sebastian grinned back, thinking how amazing Mark looked covered in a light sheen in this heat.

“More than alright.”

 

 

 

They showered, helping each other clean off the sunscreen, sweat, sand and salt from the sea, the water turned down nice and cool to revive them. When they stepped out neither one of them wanted to stop touching and before Sebastian even had time to towel off, Mark had grabbed his hand and pulled him through into the bedroom.

He stopped for a moment and took in the sight before him; Seb naked and soaking wet, water dripping from pinked skin; utterly irresistible. He sent him a wolfish grin and carefully pushed Sebastian in the direction of the bed.

Just before Seb reached it he laughed and placed a hand on Mark's chest to stop him.

“Mark, we're going to soak the bed.”

Mark scrunched his nose.

“Nah, it's hot, it'll dry,” he insisted.

And besides he really couldn't wait and nor by the looks of things could Sebastian.

 

Mark waited only another moment while Sebastian dropped his hand and relented to let himself be manoeuvred backwards, before Mark fell on him and devoured Sebastian's skin, cooled on the outside but with the warm blood thrumming underneath. He felt it in the jumping pulse Mark kissed at Seb's neck, in his already thumping heart beating against his own chest, and in Seb's hard cock as he reached his hand down to touch and stroke him, leaving Sebastian a panting wreck beneath him.

Seb closed his eyes and let himself go, not caring what kind of noises were falling from his lips as long as they encouraged Mark to go on doing this, to never stop.

“Mark, Mark please,” he begged.

Mark didn't need asking twice. He grabbed up the lube from beside the bed and set to work, touching Seb, reaching inside him to raise those moans and gasps to a higher pitch before capturing Sebastian's mouth with his own and swallowing his cries as he felt Seb move even more urgently against him, lifting his hips and encouraging Mark to speed up to give him what he needed so desperately.

As Mark withdrew his fingers Sebastian released a familiar little unhappy noise and Mark paused to lean in to kiss him more softly on the lips.

“Sorry darling, you okay?”

Seb recovered himself and nodded, his chest working too hard to form comprehensible language. He focussed on Mark's warm eyes above his own, on the way the lovely little crinkles around the edges gathered up as Mark smiled at him and Seb smiled back. He was fine, more than fine.

“Good.”

 

Mark kissed him gently once more before shifting into position and pushing inside Sebastian slowly but without hesitation, allowing himself to feel a deep satisfaction as Seb's body arched beneath his own, his head falling backwards and exposing his neck, enticing Mark to return there, letting his body lie flat against Sebastian's while he kissed him, giving Seb a moment and letting Mark take in just how incredible this unfailingly felt; Seb giving himself up to him, taking all of him in his tight heat, feeling his muscles clench and resist before gradually accepting and relaxing enough to want more.

Sebastian always had to remind himself to breath again in this moment as it threatened to overwhelm him, to appreciate the way that Mark always made sure he was alright because he loved him. This thought calmed his head though not Seb's heart which currently beat so hard it seemed to be attempting to escape his chest. They were one like this, truly one, which was only right because that was how they were; two parts of one whole. Surely that was why it hurt so much when they were apart? He was missing his other half and he couldn't function properly without it.

Lost in his thoughts, Sebastian didn't realise how still and unresponsive he had gone. He regathered his senses to see Mark looking at him, waiting for his cue to move things on. Seb lifted his head to kiss him, moving his legs up and pressing his hips further into Mark's.

Mark groaned in relief, the one remaining brain cell still functioning thinking thank god, he couldn't have held off much longer, and they started moving, their bodies still damp but soon becoming reheated and slick with sweat, helping them move faster tightly pressed together.

 

Seb thought he couldn't last, but he didn't want this to end, they had to find a way to prolong this. He found his voice and tried to catch Mark's attention to get him to cooperate.

“Mark.”

Mark was too lost in it all to notice at first.

“ _Mark_.”

He heard the urgency in Seb's voice and forced himself to stop. Mark lifted himself away with slightly shaking arms.

“Seb?”

“Can we move?” requested Sebastian breathlessly.

Mark frowned with concern that Seb might not be happy.

Seb read his face and shook his head slightly.

“Just, can we turn?”

“Turn?”

 

Mark wasn't sure he was capable of either working out what Seb needed or of halting what they were doing, but he lifted himself a little higher and as Sebastian pushed up, Mark's distracted brain clicked as to what he was requesting.

“I want to go on top,” spelt out Seb.

Mark nodded and took a tight hold of Sebastian's hips and helped flip them over, releasing an uncontrollable groan as Seb lifted up slightly to kneel straddling him before lowering back down.

“Fucking hell.”

Sebastian laughed.

“You like it.”

Mark had to concede that was true. He placed his hands firmly on Seb's arse and hitched them back a bit so he could lie back against the piled pillows, then changed his mind and lifted back up to kiss Sebastian again.

“Mmm, you know I do,” he grinned.

 

Sebastian laughed a little, long past feeling shy about this. The disruption had done the trick and distracted them enough to stave off ending too soon. Mark let himself drop back and allowed Seb to do as he wished, slowly lifting himself up before dropping back down, both of them instantly losing the clarity of thought they had temporarily regained and finding a way to move together again, Mark's hips snapping up to meet Sebastian as he fell back down, over and over until neither could take any more. Mark thrust his upper body back up into Seb's and took a hold of him as Sebastian wrapped his arms around Mark's neck and dropped his forehead to rest against Mark's, shifting slightly as their noses banged together and even in their far gone state they both smiled a little at their clumsiness and started kissing haphazardly while still trying to draw in air.

Neither one of them was capable of putting any conscious thought into coordinating their movements, but instinct and familiarity was enough. They kept moving faster and harder until Mark let out a guttural groan and Seb gasped, following him as he felt Mark come inside him.

 

Mark slowed his movements as he felt Sebastian's head droop onto his shoulder and his body go limp in his arms. He took a few more heaved breaths to get much needed oxygen into his lungs before gently lifting Seb off him and then leaning backwards on the pillows, keeping Seb against him as their chests moved in laboured unison.

He tipped his head, trying to look at Sebastian's face as it turned in towards him, still resting on his shoulder.

“Okay?”

Mark saw a smile creep onto Seb's lips and he gave a slight nod as they looked at each other.

Sebastian found himself unable to speak again. He felt light-headed and closed his eyes to concentrate on breathing.

Mark kissed the damp blonde curls on Sebastian's head and moved his hands to stroke Seb's back.

Seb took a steadying breath and carefully let it out.

“Don't let me go will you?”

Mark wrapped his arms around him and leaned his mouth in close to Seb's ear to promise.

“Never.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soon enough the days began to run into one another. They spent them as simply as possible, in contrast to the hectic structure of their usual life; Getting up when they woke up instead of at the insistence of an alarm, going for a barefoot run along the beach only as far as they felt like going, to help them feel as though they weren't entirely neglecting their training. Then swimming and sunbathing, rarely straying any further than fifty yards from their hut and only encountering their neighbouring guests so much as to politely say hello as they passed. They somehow seemed to miss the maid calling in the mornings and the only member of staff they got to know was the young man named Charles who brought their meals and he only ever checked that all was well and that they didn't need anything more, before promptly disappearing again.

 

When the sun got too high and too hot they peeled themselves from the beach and took themselves into the cool shade of their hut for languorous lunches on the verandah made from the plentiful supplies that were replenished each morning, or they forgot to eat and lost the afternoon in the bedroom. Either way, time didn't matter. Nothing mattered, none of the real world nor it's problems existed.

 

They adapted remarkably quickly to this way of living, telling time approximately by the sun and eating when they were hungry. It was easy enough to feel as though they were staying healthy with the constant supply of exotic fruit and fresh simple ingredients that were provided, and although a menu was left for phoning through requests to the kitchens, they were constantly reminded that almost any requests could be met. So while it felt as though they were spending their days lazily, Sebastian reflected that he should be in decent enough shape for when the season resumed and Mark joked that they were getting plenty of exercise, which certainly was true, even if a large part of it certainly never featured in his trainer's plans.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One evening Mark and Sebastian sat out eating dinner. There were candles on the table, unrequested, but they had appeared and been lit nonetheless, and Mark had to admit that they lent the place a nice atmosphere, even if it wasn't really the kind of thing they went in for at home.

 

It felt a little odd to be constantly waited on like this, but it was nice not to have to put any thought into preparing meals or what they had in to eat and the staff were so obliging they never made them feel as if it was any imposition.

As they had waited for their meal to appear, Mark and Sebastian had stood on the verandah watching dusk fall, the sky fading hazily through blue, pink, orange, and red, until they finally watched the last of the sun disappear beyond the horizon.

Seb didn't think he had seen anything so beautiful. The other night he had attempted taking some photographs of the sunset on his phone to capture it, but the stills were a poor imitation of the real thing, so instead he tried to lock the images in his brain so he could remember them. One day in the future Seb thought he might well try to recall them to cheer himself up, maybe in November when he was far from here and far from Mark. He knew that the image itself would never be enough to recapture this feeling though, because no matter how perfect a picture could be, it could never express how it felt to be here with Mark like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They had lapsed into silence while they ate, still feeling nicely relaxed, the only concession to the cooler evening air being t-shirts added to their standard shorts.

“Alright?” checked Mark casually.

“Mm, yeah all good,” agreed Sebastian.

“Having a nice time then?”

Seb laughed. “Very nice.”

He had needed this holiday so badly. It felt as though it was restoring every worn out part of his body and his mind. If he'd had to carry on racing weekend after weekend as Seb had through the past month, he was sure he would finally have cracked under the pressure.

“It's just what I needed,” continued Sebastian.

Mark nodded. “Yeah me too.”

He'd hardly realised how he'd needed a break almost as much as Sebastian did. Mark always thought of Seb being the one suffering under strain, but Mark had been as well in the way he had been worrying about him and trying to support Sebastian through it all.

 

“You happy enough not doing too much?” Mark asked.

“Sure. It's nice not having to plan everything all the time.”

“Mm true. I'm not even sure what else there is on the island to do.”

“It's fine, I'm happy as we are,” insisted Seb.

“We could have dinner up at the hotel one night if you fancy it?” suggested Mark.

“Yeah if you want.”

Sebastian didn't really care. He was content as they were, only really wanting Mark for company, but a change of scene couldn't hurt.

 

Mark smiled and nodded. He was easy either way and Seb didn't sound too fussed. He had only vaguely paid attention to what was here apart from their accommodation and the privacy offered when he booked. As far as he was concerned Mark was quite happy never to see another soul the entire time they were here.

 

Seb took another sip of his drink and then sat back in his seat.

“You know I could just stay here forever.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Heck of a long commute to Milton Keynes mate.”

Sebastian laughed back.

“Mm, good point. Yeah I don't know, I suppose I do miss home a tiny bit, but it is nice just to really leave everything behind.”

“Yeah.”

“Apart from the dogs. I miss them.”

“Yeah me too.”

It seemed odd to be eating without the dogs finding a way to wind their way around their legs at the table, or sitting by their side looking up hopefully for leftovers.

 

“That was my brother texting earlier,” explained Sebastian. “He was saying he was looking forward to meeting them.”

Mark smiled and shook his head. Fabian seemed to send a text every other day, just checking up that everything was in hand for him coming to visit after they had got back, despite the fact that they had spoken to him and his parents prior to their leaving on holiday to finalise everything.

“Ah well if we still feel like being lazy when we get back I guess we can leave it to Fabe to walk them,” suggested Mark.

“He'd get lost.”

“Nah, they'd bring him home eventually.”

Sebastian smiled at the idea of the dogs leading his little brother through the countryside. He didn't think his parents would take too kindly to him letting Fabian wander off, even if Seb couldn't imagine what harm he could come to.

“Oh I thought of something actually,” recalled Mark.

“Hm?”

“For when he's visiting. I thought we could take him to have a go on that climbing wall we found last year. Do you think he'd enjoy that?”

“Oh, yeah. Yes that's a good idea.”

“And we could go for a pub lunch on the Sunday somewhere,” carried on Mark. “Unless you think your parents wouldn't like us taking him in a pub?”

“Not unless we're going to give him booze.”

“Well if he's anything like you, I suspect young Fabe doesn't have the constitution for it, so I think not.”

“Oi!”

Seb batted at Mark's arm, pretending to be annoyed.

Mark grinned back.

“Speaking of which, do you want a beer?”

The fridge was always well-stocked. Seb had joked that he suspected that the bottles bred when unsupervised.

“Mm maybe later. I was wondering if you fancied going for a bit of a stroll, walk some of this off?” proposed Seb.

“Righto. Okay sure. I'll just clear up.”

Sebastian almost pointed out again that Charles would doubtless be more than happy to clear up himself when he collected their plates when he brought breakfast in the morning, but Mark always insisted on tidying up and leaving everything piled neatly in the kitchenette. Old habits were hard to break.

 

 

 

 

 

They walked along the edge of the shoreline, the beach empty now that it was evening. Mark kept his arm slung over Seb's shoulder, Sebastian pressed in against him with his arm around Mark's waist. It felt so easy and comfortable, they hardly needed to say anything, both happy as they were.

When they got beyond the hotel property they strayed onto the public part of the beach and they started to see a few more signs of normal life on the island. There was a slightly ramshackle looking large wooden building on the edge of the beach that they passed most days on their run. In the mornings it was all boarded up, but now they could see that 'Raymond’s' as the sign pronounced the property to be named, was some kind of bar/restaurant. It seemed well-populated, with lively music floating out from inside and several people smoking outside. From the look of things they seemed to be a mixture of locals and tourists.

“We could always go in for a drink if you fancied it?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian shrugged, unsure as to whether Mark wanted to.

“Maybe another night?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

He wasn't entirely opposed to the idea, but for now Seb wanted to stay in their quiet seclusion.

“Turn around then, find our own drink?”

“That sounds good.”

 

 

 

They walked back the way they came and helped themselves to a couple of chilled beers from the fridge before going to sit on the steps of the verandah. Mark leant up by the railing and lifted his arm to let Seb settle in against him as he always did and they sat in agreeable silence, simply listening to the sound of the waves and appreciating the stillness of everything else around them.

Mark smiled as Sebastian let his head fall on Mark's shoulder. He sipped the last of his drink, set the bottle down on the step, and turned to Sebastian.

“Bed?”

Sebastian lifted his head up a little to look at him.

“Yeah.”

They didn't care if it was late or early, it didn't matter.

 

Seb took in a nice slow breath. He loved it when they talked, but he loved it when they didn't need to, maybe even more so. Mark was staring at him again. He kept doing that, Seb wondered what Mark was thinking.

“What?”

Mark gave a slight shake of his head.

“Nothing. Just you.”

Sebastian frowned slightly.

“Me?”

“Mmm, you, looking all sunny and gorgeous.”

Mark had said exactly what was at the forefront of his mind. Even in the low light from the verandah he could see the how pink Seb's cheeks were and how healthy and happy Seb appeared. It was great not to have to be concerned about him as Mark had constantly been for weeks now. As he spoke, Mark saw how gratified Seb looked and the way his smile widened further making his lovely cheeks round and pinchable. He was too much to resist.

Sebastian felt as though Mark's eyes were devouring him, not that he objected, but Seb scrunched up his nose at the compliment, Mark still somehow managing to make him feel abashed.

Mark grinned and leaned in to kiss that ridiculously cute nose, making Sebastian laugh, loving the way Mark let himself be silly only with him. Seb didn't need hearts and flowers or big romantic gestures, he didn't need grand declarations from Mark about how much he loved him, he only needed this; Just Mark and him together. That was all.

Bed. Definitely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian lay holding his book over his face to keep the sun out of his eyes. He had re-read the first paragraph on this page at least three times without progressing any further, so he put it down and stopped pretending he was going to make any real effort on that score today. He closed his eyes behind his sunglasses so that he wasn't looking at the sun which was pretty much directly over them now. His skin had dried from their latest dip in the sea and now it was getting so hot he suspected you could fry an egg on his stomach. They'd probably need to go in soon. With his fair skin it was usually Seb that made the call, but Mark never seemed to mind.

Mark seemed to be letting him take the lead in almost every decision while they were away and Sebastian hoped Mark was as content as he appeared to be. Seb knew that Mark usually liked to be rather more active than this, but he said he was fine not doing much and Sebastian knew he could trust Mark to be honest with him, so he must be at least happy enough. Maybe they could go up to the hotel restaurant for dinner tonight and find out if there was anything interesting to do nearby, and Mark might like that?

 

Seb didn't want to think about the fact that time was ticking by and before too long they would be running out of days and they would be forced to leave this paradise to go back to the reality. He didn't want to let any thoughts of the real world creep in. The real world meant problems and worries and Seb had consciously been making an effort to close down any recollection of that whenever they slipped in. He imagined a heavy wooden door slamming shut every time he accidentally allowed any worries in. They weren't allowed here.

To distract himself Sebastian sat up and took a drink of the water by his side. He had buried it in the sand, but the water was still horribly warm. It reminded Seb of his drink supply when he was racing. It was necessary, but it usually tasted disgusting.

 

“I'm a bit hot, think I might go in and get a drink,” stated Sebastian.

Mark turned to the noise, opened his eyes and pushed himself up as he shook himself out of his heat induced stupor.

“Righto.”

He started gathering his things up, but Sebastian shook his head.

“You don't have to come too if you're alright here.”

Mark laughed and raised his sunglasses up to give Seb a look. If Seb was going in, he was going in. That was just how things were. They had barely moved more than a foot apart from one another the whole time they were here and that was precisely how Mark wanted things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once inside Sebastian found a fresh bottle in the fridge and drank some of the heavenly cold water, feeling it chill his insides as it went down. He passed it to Mark who gratefully did the same.

Mark put down the bottle and reached over to brush some sand off Seb's shoulder.

“Shower?” he suggested, and Seb nodded agreement.

A nice cool shower seemed like a wonderful idea, just what they needed.

 

 

 

 

Mark rubbed shampoo into Sebastian's hair and grinned at him.

“You've got sand in your hair mate.”

Sebastian laughed.

“I think I've got sand everywhere.”

Mark raised a teasing eyebrow and Seb rolled his eyes in response.

“ _Almost_ everywhere.”

“That's reassuring to know,” teased Mark.

 

He finished what he was doing and dipped in to give Sebastian a little kiss. Seb smiled and then pulled away to move his head under the flow of water to wash the foam away. He closed his eyes as he did so and Mark stood to watch, thinking how beautiful Seb looked as he did that, as if lost to everything but the sensation of the cool water refreshing his skin and waking up his brain.

Sebastian reopened his eyes and smiled at Mark watching him again. He could feel self-conscious, but Seb knew that every time he asked, Mark always said how he was simply appreciating the view and it was impossible to feel anything but a wonderful glow when Mark was so flattering.

“Now you,” insisted Sebastian taking hold of the shampoo and reaching up pour it in his hair. He pushed up slightly on his toes to do so and Mark grinned as he placed his hands on Sebastian's hips to keep him steady.

 

Mark reflected that he had to admit that he liked that he was a little taller than Sebastian. He hoped that wasn't a power thing. He never thought of Seb as being lesser than him in any way, it was just that they were different. Mark liked that they were different. He thought it was part of the reason they worked so well; they were complimentary halves fitting together perfectly.

 

 

Once finished with that they moved on to washing each other's bodies, taking their time and soon forgetting that the purpose of the activity was to clean their skin and losing themselves in how good it felt. Before they knew it their bodies were pressed up tightly into one another's, breath hitching before they started kissing passionately.

Sebastian pushed Mark up against the tiled wall and leaned back in to kiss him again before leaving his lips to start kissing Mark's shoulder, his collarbone, his chest. His skin tasted slightly sweet from the shower gel, but it wasn't unpleasant, and the way Mark was reacting encouraged Seb to go on. Mark's chest was heaving now and Sebastian knew exactly what kind of effect he was having on him. It made Seb feel so good that he could do that, that he could make Mark respond in this way and know how much he was enjoying what Seb was doing, it was intoxicating.

 

Mark gasped as Sebastian dipped to kiss his stomach and cool water landed in his mouth, reminding him where they were. He pulled Seb up and kissed him hard on the lips.

“Fucking hell,” Mark exclaimed.

Seb grinned up at him.

“Nice?”

“God yeah.”

Mark moved his hands and put them on Sebastian's arse to pull him up and in against him. Oh god he was hard, so hard. Seb started kissing his neck and he could hear how heavily Mark was breathing and the feeling of their bodies moving against each other was turning him on so much, as it quite clearly was Mark.

Sebastian had his hands on Mark's shoulders to keep him in place but he let go one hand and dropped it down along Mark's side.

“Mark,” he whispered in his ear.

“Hm?”

Mark was struggling to stay with it. He refocussed and looked at Sebastian who had pulled away a little.

“Would you like me to..?”

Seb looked up at him and tweaked an eyebrow up but Mark's brain didn't seem to be functioning and he stared for another moment before Sebastian looked pointedly downwards and he realised what he was offering.

“Oh, yeah.”

Well really, who could say no?

 

 

Sebastian smiled and returned to kissing Mark's chest, working his way down to kiss his stomach, ducking lower and lower. He wanted to do everything he could to make Mark happy, to please him, to make his skin leap under his touch as it was doing right now.

He crouched lower and the strangely mundane thought crossed his mind that it was a good job that there was a non-slip floor in here or he'd probably end up an undignified heap, which might rather spoil the moment. Seb accidentally let out a little laugh at that, but Mark was already too far gone to notice because Sebastian had just been licking his stomach and the sensation was so intense Mark had to close his eyes to concentrate on not letting himself get carried away too fast and waste this.

Seb glanced upwards and saw the abandoned look on Mark's face, telling him what he was doing was definitely working. He recommenced his work and started aiming lower, teasing Mark by kissing his hip, his thigh, hearing his breathing getting faster. Sebastian decided it was too cruel to deny Mark any longer and settled himself into a reasonably comfortable position, placing his hands on Mark's hips to hold him in place as he finally kissed Mark's cock and drew a sharp gasp from him.

“Oh Christ.”

Seb grinned to himself and carried on, kissing and torturously dragging his tongue up along him, knowing without doubt that he was definitely pleasing Mark.

 

Mark set his head back against the wall and stopped himself from saying anything to hurry Seb up, his body wanted that, but his mind knew that rushing this was the last thing he should do.

Sebastian shifted himself up a little and took a breath before grasping tighter onto Mark's hips to stop himself feeling unsteady and finally took Mark's cock into his mouth, getting a satisfyingly earthy groan from Mark as he did so.

Mark was holding his own breath as he looked down, desperately trying to control himself as he watched and felt what Seb was doing. Christ. Those lips, those lips on his cock, making him feel incredible, making him feel everything. He closed his eyes and pressed his head back on the cold tiles trying to hang on. He let his hands fall onto Sebastian's shoulders, but didn't put any pressure there or move them higher. Mark never wanted to let Sebastian feel forced in any way. Even the idea of it revolted him when it was the opposite of what their relationship was about.

 

Sebastian felt Mark's hands on him and knew he was holding back. Mark's body was twitching with the restraint he was forcing on himself and Seb knew that he probably couldn't hold off much longer.

“Fuck, Seb, _Seb._ ”

Mark was out of breath but he had enough conscious thought left to pull at Sebastian's arm. It took a moment for it to sink in, but Seb realised that Mark was trying to communicate with him and he pulled away and let Mark drag him up. He frowned and looked at Mark wondering what the problem was. Seb was almost certain there could be no way he wasn't enjoying that.

 

“What?”

“You have to stop,” gasped Mark.

“Don't you want to, I mean...” Seb paused in confusion. “Didn't you like it?”

Mark let out a stunned breath.

“Are you kidding? Oh my god, Seb, you're amazing. Bloody hell.”

Mark shook his head a fraction and pressed his forehead down against Sebastian's, trying to form coherent thoughts. He stroked his hands down Seb's sides and pressed a kiss to his lips.

“Course I like it. A bit _too_ much darling, hmm?”

Mark raised his eyebrows to Sebastian making his point.

“I want more than that, I want you,” emphasised Mark.

“Oh.”

Seb's brain caught on.

“Oh, right.”

Sebastian could have pointed out that he did have him, but he knew what Mark meant.

“Yeah?”

Mark looked at Seb, hoping he okay with that.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

 

Whatever made Mark happy he wanted to do. It was hardly as if he was averse to the idea.

“Good.”

Mark relaxed and started kissing Seb more slowly, trying to calm things down for a moment while they both readjusted where they were going with this. He slid his hands around onto Sebastian's lower back and pulled him in closer, realising now just how hard Seb was in turn.

“Unless you want me to swap?” Mark offered.

Seb smiled and shook his head. He was more than ready to move things along.

“Okay,” agreed Mark.

 

 

He was about to take Sebastian's hand and lead him into the bedroom when Mark thought how nice it was in here with the cool water still falling on their skin, keeping their temperatures down and leaving their bodies slick as they pressed against one another. He decided to delay things a while and returned to kissing Seb. Mark closed his eyes and gave in to the feeling of Seb's incredible soft lips on his own, his tongue exploring his mouth and forgot everything else.

 

Sebastian pulled away and heaved a breath. He had completely run out of oxygen and was starting to feel dizzy. He was glad Mark had such a firm hold on his back and let him take his weight for a moment while he drew breath.

Mark watched as Sebastian's chest rose and fell, his mouth parted and Seb's eyes looking up at him expectantly. Seb's eyelashes were wet, making them look darker and longer and his lips were red and full. Mark thought he had never looked more attractive. His brain was shouting that he had to have him now, _right now._

 

Mark knew he was staring again, but he couldn't help it. Mark tore his eyes from Sebastian's face and looked out into the bathroom thinking they should move now before he lost the final shred of control he was hanging onto, when he saw the bottle of lube sat by the sink where he had left it when he gave it a rinse off this morning and irrepressible idea took hold.

“Here.”

“Hmm?”

“Here. I want you in here,” explained Mark.

Sebastian wasn't quite sure how that might work, but whatever Mark wanted he could have.

“Okay.”

Mark grinned and kissed Seb's cheek before letting go of him and moving past to step out of the shower.

 

 

Sebastian was even more confused for a moment, but Mark returned in an instant with the bottle of lube in his hand and Seb realised.

“Oh right, yeah.”

 

Sebastian smiled. He didn't think he would be too keen without it. Discomfort in sex was not something that turned Seb on. He'd had far too much of that in his life. It wasn't like that with Mark and Seb didn't want it to be. He was always reassured that Mark took such care with him. It always told Seb how much Mark valued him.

The way Mark kissed him as if his life depended on it, the way he touched him. That told him how much he loved Seb too. The way he being was so careful not to rush things when he clearly was desperate for more, holding back and slowly slowly pressing a lubed finger into him all the while kissing up his neck and along Sebastian's jaw as helpless “Oh”s fell from his mouth.

 

 

Sebastian sent his arms around Mark's neck and it crossed Mark's mind that he had better make sure that Seb had a firm hold on him or this could end badly. He was thinking through how they could make this work and he was going to need to ensure that Sebastian was secure or he could fall and whilst that might be almost amusing in abstract, the last thing he wanted to do was let Seb get hurt.

“You'll have to hold on tight, okay,” Mark warned.

Sebastian wasn't one hundred percent sure exactly what it was he was agreeing to here, but he knew he could trust Mark. However they were going to manage this it would be okay. It would be fine, he just had to go with the flow. He pulled enough of himself together to nod and to wrap his arms even tighter around Mark who smiled and went back to kissing him and drawing higher pitched gasps from Seb as he added another finger.

“Oh my god.”

“Good?”

“Yeah,” breathed Seb, before gasping even louder as Mark crooked his fingers just so and Sebastian had to close his eyes.

Mark knew just how to do that to him, how to make Seb forget everything but how this felt. Sebastian felt the heat in Mark's lips and the way his body pressed in further against him. He knew Mark was trying to hold back rushing things, but Seb could tell how much he needed him. Sebastian thought how he wanted to give everything to Mark and kissed him again before pulling his head back enough to speak.

 

“Um, how do we..?” asked Sebastian.

“I'll need to lift you,” explained Mark.

“Oh.”

Just for a moment Seb was unnerved by the fact they'd never attempted anything like this before, but Mark was looking at him so hungrily he didn't want to deny him.

“Okay?” checked Mark, wanting to be certain that Sebastian was happy.

“Okay,” Seb nodded.

It was fine. Mark would take care of him, Seb was sure. It was just something new. He didn't need to be scared, he never needed to be scared of anything with Mark.

 

Mark gave him another little kiss before gently as he could, removing his fingers and grabbing the bottle of lube to carefully rub more onto himself and Seb to make sure they were ready. He put the bottle back down and held his hand under the stream of water before wiping his hand off on his leg. He didn't want to lose his grip on Sebastian. That might prove disastrous.

 

“Okay then?” checked Mark, making sure Sebastian was comfortable.

Seb nodded. “You won't drop me will you?”

Mark smiled reassuringly and gave him a kiss.

“No darling, I promise.”

“Okay then.”

Mark kissed him again and then took a hold of Sebastian's thigh to lift it over his hip. Seb shifted higher and then pushed up on the ball on his other foot while Mark took a tight hold of his waist.

He incidentally rubbed his groin against Mark's who let out a helpless groan and Sebastian found himself smiling at how desperate Mark sounded. As he moved to hitch himself up, Seb put his weight on Mark's shoulders and his stomach did a strange little flip as he couldn't help thinking that he was putting his life in Mark's hands, but it was okay, he could trust him, Mark would never let him fall.

 

Sebastian took a breath in and looked Mark in the eye as they knew this was the right moment. Mark lifted his waist and Seb bounced himself up to wrap his legs around Mark's middle. It was just as they often were really, only vertical rather than horizontal, but then Mark gave him one more little look to check Seb was okay before taking a small step backwards, angling Seb's hips further forwards.

“Stay leaning back,” instructed Mark.

Sebastian nodded. He thought he would do just about whatever Mark said at this point. Seb loosened his grip slightly around Mark's neck and put his weight into his arms that rested on Mark's shoulders instead as he let his back lean into the tiled wall of the shower.

Mark shifted his hands down to hold Seb under his legs and moved himself into position.

 

All the air shot out of Sebastian as Mark slackened his grip on him and pushed into him at the same time as letting gravity play its part.

Sebastian would have cried out if he had the breath to do it. His mouth shot open and lights flickered behind his eyelids.

“Fuck.”

Mark pressed his upper body back into Sebastian's, holding him pinned against the wall until Seb reopened his eyes and looked back at him.

“I've got you, I've got you, okay.”

Seb heaved his chest alongside Mark's and instead of kissing him Mark just let his face rest into Sebastian's, feeling their breath mixing.

After a minute Mark moved his head back.

“I'm okay,” managed Seb.

His heart was still racing at approximately 100mph, but then he didn't think that was about to change any time soon.

 

Mark moved backwards again, making sure Sebastian was firmly in his grasp and quirked a smile at him.

“I think you'll have to help me.”

Seb nodded and cautiously moved his arms so he could put his hands on Mark's shoulders instead. Reassured to feel he didn't slip, Sebastian got them started by pushing up a little and Mark used his grip on Seb's thighs to follow that motion, lifting him higher before letting him drop back down.

Seb gasped again. The feeling was so intense, but he didn't want it to stop, so he used the strength in his arms again and lifted up, bracing his back against the wall and then let go.

 

Somehow they found a rhythm, forgetting the mechanics of how this was operating and relying on each other to work together, losing their breath again as they increased the speed and intensity of their actions.

Seb felt the cool tiles slide up and down his back as he felt Mark slide in and out of him, over and over, faster and faster. Surely they couldn't last much longer? It was so extreme, every sensation pushed to the limit with no time to recover before it repeated, driving him over the edge.

Mark saw him go, the focus disappearing from Sebastian's eyes and his mouth hanging open as his head tipped back. A part of his brain realised he was taking most of Seb's weight now. His arms couldn't hold Seb forever, light as he was, but the motion seemed to be self-fulfilling and they carried on until Sebastian was leaning further away from him, moaning helplessly as Mark thrust in, until at last Seb shuddered against him and came so hard that Mark immediately followed him.

Sebastian closed his eyes, unable to control anything as it felt as though waves of uncontainable release rolled through him.

 

 

“Bloody hell,” breathed Mark.

He moved back in closer to compress their bodies in against the wall to hold them up.

“Christ. Seb are you alright?”

Mark saw his eyes had fallen shut and Sebastian was clinging around his neck again, breathing heavily.

Seb couldn't answer for a minute. He thought he might pass out, or maybe he already had passed out, he couldn't tell.

“I'm going to put you down now, okay?”

Mark put his hands back on Seb's waist to lift him and then set him down. Sebastian had unwound his legs from around him, but he didn't stop clinging to him, dropping his head onto Mark's shoulder and leaving all his weight on him, so Mark made sure to keep his hands supporting Seb.

He tried to move his head to see Sebastian, but his face was buried in him as Seb continued focus on getting oxygen back to his brain.

“Are you alright?” Mark checked again.

 

Seb heard the concern in his voice and succeeded in lifting his head a little.

“I don't think I can stand up properly,” he admitted.

Seb looked into Mark's eyes and managed a smile.

“My knees have gone.”

Mark smiled back and slid one arm further around Seb's middle to hold him up so he could raise the other to stroke his cheek.

“I've got you darling, I've got you.”

 

Sebastian let out a shaky breath. His whole body felt shaky, but as long as Mark held onto him he'd be fine. He let Mark clean them up and help him from the shower to the bed, where Mark carefully sat him down before returning to the bathroom and coming back through to gently towel Seb dry.

Mark was dipped down in front of Sebastian and finished his task.

“All done.”

Mark smiled up at him and Seb smiled back. Mark took such care of him.

“Danke mein Liebe,” thanked Sebastian.

“Natürlich, Liebling. Kein problem.”

Mark bobbed back up and leaned in to give Seb a quick kiss before rapidly drying his own skin and chucking the towel away on the floor so they could lie comfortably together on the bed.

 

Sebastian rested into Mark, still feeling as though he wasn't quite sure where the ground was. Mark kept him against him and ran his fingers over Seb's skin.

“Okay now?” Mark verified.

Sebastian nodded, then leant his face in to rest their noses together for a while before moving back.

“I think I'm still trembling,” Seb confessed.

Mark moved so their bodies were lined up together and stroked his hand along Seb's side.

“You feel okay to me,” he confirmed.

“Maybe I mean inside?”

Seb wasn't quite sure what he meant, he wasn't sure his brain was really back in gear yet.

“I didn't think men were meant to be able to have multiple...” he trailed off as a smile overtook his face.

Mark was grinning at him.

“Multiple? Blimey, now there's a challenge.”

Sebastian buried his face back into Mark, still smiling. He felt Mark pull him in tighter, pausing only to whisper teasingly in his ear.

“Multiple? We'll have to see what we can manage later.”

Seb hung on to Mark, still feeling trembly, but thinking that sounded like a promise and the anticipation sent another shiver through him.

 

 

 

A while later Mark made good his word and they made love again. Seb still boneless and pliable underneath him and oh so willing. Afterwards Sebastian felt as though the very last bit of energy had drained from his body. He closed his eyes and drifted off into the deepest dreamless sleep before Mark had even returned to his side to clean him up and lie back down with him.

Mark slipped his arm under Seb and drew him closer, wrapping his other arm around to claim Seb, holding him to rest Sebastian's head by Mark's heart and keep his body tightly molded in against his own, feeling Seb breathing with him.

He felt protective and possessive at the same time, something fierce and primal in the back of Mark's mind growling.

“Mine.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I did warn you it included fluff and stuff. But they really really needed a break and maybe I did too.  
> If fluff's not your thing, stick with me, we are still going somewhere...


	63. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is another very long chapter. Hopefully you won't be too sad about that...

 

* * *

 

 

 

The days began to blur as they sped by. Sebastian tried not to count down the time they had left, but it was impossible to ignore that before too long they would reach the end of their holiday and they would be forced to return to the far more troublesome real world.

He tried to stop time slipping through his fingertips by capturing moments on his phone, taking pictures of the view and each other. After lunch one day they sat at the table while Seb tried to take selfies of the two of them pressed in together, more often than not getting it hopelessly wrong and ending up with shots of the top of their hair or with one of their faces half cut off. Mark laughed and fiddled with his own phone until he found a button on his own phone that allowed a rapid series of photos to be taken in succession, thinking that at least with his longer arms he ought to be able to at least get them both in shot.

 

“Come and sit on the other side so we can get the sea in back,” proposed Mark.

He got up and persuaded Seb to sit by him, Mark put his arm around Seb's shoulder and held the phone up to start taking pictures; Sebastian giggling as Mark turned to look at him, Mark rolling his eyes and Seb pouting in response, Seb plonking his chin on Mark's shoulder and giving him the full blue eyes as Mark relented, Seb leaning in to kiss Mark's cheek, Mark turning to steal the next kiss properly, the two of them pulling apart and looking into one another's eyes, half a dozen shots of the wooden ceiling of the verandah as Mark forgot all about the phone and put it down to concentrate on the far more important task of kissing Sebastian properly.

Afterwards they sat and flicked through the pictures, laughing at how many of them were terrible, Mark thinking there was no way he was going to delete a single one that featured the two of them together, no matter how badly composed the shot was.

 

 

The next day he took his phone down with them onto the beach, keeping it wrapped in a corner of the towel to protect it from the environment. While Sebastian was lying on his front sunbathing Mark hopped up and grinned to himself.

“Smile.”

Sebastian jerked his head up at the noise.

“Hmm? Oh _Mark_.”

Sebastian huffed.

“I wasn't ready,” he complained.

All Mark would have was a photo of him dozily looking up at him, but Mark was still smiling. He knelt down in front of Sebastian and tried again, Seb pushing his chin up on folded hands and letting his sunglasses slip down his nose so he could look up at Mark. He let Mark take a snap and then pushed himself to sit up properly.

“Let me see. I was half-asleep then. I bet I look terrible.”

Mark sat himself down by Seb cross-legged on the towel and they checked the shot.

“Oh god, I look stupid,” moaned Sebastian.

“Nah.”

Mark thought Seb looked amazing; all golden skin and heavily lidded eyes as he looked up at him through his lashes.

“Hmm,” let out Sebastian suspiciously.

“Okay try again then.”

Mark pressed the rapid-take button on his phone and held it out whilst putting his arm around Seb.

Sebastian slid his arms right around Mark's body, not caring in the least that they were sticky and too warm, he rested his cheek on Mark's shoulder for a moment and squeezed him, feeling happier than he could express as Mark squeezed back and let his own head rest by Seb's for a moment before lifting it and Seb looked back, almost surprised to see Mark still held the camera-phone out. He smiled directly at the camera, then turned and looked up at Mark, knowing he was looking at him in turn. Seb lifted his head up as Mark moved over and simply pressed their noses together before moving slightly so they could put their lips together. The pictures were still clicking, Mark allowed a grin to slide onto his face thinking these photos were for no one but themselves. He let his arm fall and dropped the phone into the sand before Sebastian pushed him down so he could lie on his chest.

 

They kissed a little while longer before Seb raised himself up and put his arms under his chin to look at Mark.

“I thought we could finally go up to the hotel for dinner tonight,” Seb proposed.

Mark lifted his head up a little to see him.

“Sure, we'll give Charles the night off.”

Sebastian laughed.

“I suspect we're not his only duty, but yeah.”

“Okay, well it's pretty hot now. Do you want to go in and we can find something to keep us occupied till then?”

Sebastian sent him a sly grin.

“Oh I'm sure we'll think of something.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

They stood around waiting for their table up at the hotel, passing the time by perusing the selection of information leaflets on the little table at the entrance. Mark spotted one and picked it up.

“Oh hello.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“What have you found?”

“Surf Shack.”

Mark showed Sebastian the leaflet and looked at the details.

“Kit hire and instruction available.”

Sebastian grinned.

“Don't you already know how to surf? I thought all Aussies knew from birth.”

“I do. Not hit the waves in a while, but we could hire boards. Do you fancy that?”

“Would you teach me?”

 

Mark laughed thinking it might be time to get revenge on Seb for his German lessons.

“Oh yep I'd enjoy that. I take it you've never tried surfing.”

Sebastian shook his head and Mark chuckled to himself before turning the leaflet to look at the map on the back.

“It's on the other side of the island. Guess that makes sense seeing as that's the Atlantic side.”

Sebastian frowned a little so Mark explained.

“Bigger waves mate.”

“Oh right, course.”

The sea was pretty mild by them, so you would struggle to surf over here.

“It's a few miles,” noted Mark. “Reckon we could walk it though.”

“Sounds good.”

 

The girl returned to tell them their table was ready and Mark showed her the leaflet and asked if it would be easy enough to find.

“Oh yes sir, you'd just go straight across the junction outside the hotel here and there's only one road, you can't get lost. There's a bus that does a loop of the island, but it's pretty unreliable, or we could arrange a taxi.”

“Nah that's fine, we can walk, thank you.”

“No problem, well if you'd like to follow me?”

 

 

They followed her lead to reach their table on the outside terrace. The hotel was set uphill from the beach so the view from up here was terrific even after dark, the sea and beach just about visible and little lights twinkling in the distance.

“This is nice,” offered Seb.

“Mmm.”

Mark glanced around and was glad to see that nobody seemed to be paying them any attention. There were several couples already eating and two or three family groups further over, tactically positioned so as to not disrupt the rest.

“So we going to try that tomorrow?” wondered Sebastian.

“Yeah why not. You'll let me be your teacher then?” teased Mark.

“Will you catch me if I fall off?”

Mark laughed.

“Course I will mate.”

Sebastian smiled. He always knew Mark would.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They rounded the bend in the dusty lane and came in sight of the beach. The wind was rather stronger on this side which Mark thought boded well for the waves.

“Is that it d'you think?” wondered Sebastian.

He pointed at a wooden building over to the right. There wasn't much else to choose from, so they headed over to find out and were relieved to see a painted sign announcing that it was indeed the 'Surf Shack'. It looked as though whoever owned the place had painted the sign themselves and there wasn't much sign of life. For a moment they thought they might have had a wasted journey, but as they came around onto the beach side they saw that the door was half open and the sound of a radio playing filtered out.

 

Mark knocked on the door and then pushed it open.

“Hello?”

A young man bounced up from his deck chair and pushed his unkempt long blonde hair out of his eyes. He looked every inch the archetypal surfer dude, dressed only in board shorts and flip-flops. Sebastian expected a Californian accent, but when he opened his mouth it was an Australian voice speaking.

“Oh hey, sorry. G'day, how can I help you fellas?”

He paused and blinked, staring at Mark for rather too long and Mark hid a sigh realising that he must have recognised him, but the man recovered himself and stuck out his hand.

“My name's Bruce. This is my little place. Are you interested in lessons?”

Mark smiled.

“Not lessons thanks, but we saw you hire stuff?”

Sebastian was trying not to giggle and Mark frowned at him.

“We'd just need boards and wetsuits, if that's okay?” continued Mark.

“Oh yeah, no problem, excellent. Right, yeah I can sort you out, just give me a mo.”

 

He looked them over, all business now, sizing them up before heading through to a room off and returning with a pair of wetsuits.

“These should do you. You can change through there if you like?” he offered.

“Thanks,” replied Mark.

“Boards are in the shed. I'll go dig you some out,” offered Bruce.

Mark could have commented that the whole place looked like a shed, but he would never have been so rude, so he just nodded and took the wetsuits so they could go through to change.

 

 

Once alone in the next room which was crammed with of all kinds of junk as well as a full rack of wetsuits hung up, Mark turned and looked at Sebastian.

“What was so funny?”

Sebastian looked at him as if it was obvious.

“ _Bruce._ He's called _Bruce_.”

Seeing as Mark wasn't getting it, Seb elaborated.

“Like the shark!”

Mark finally laughed.

“Oh dear. Yes I see.”

“He's even Australian,” added Sebastian.

“You watched the English version?”

“Yeah I used to watch them in English when I was younger to help my language skills.”

Mark smiled and shook his head at how studious Seb was.

“We'll have to watch out he knows we're friends not food,” he grinned.

Seb glanced at his wrist and nodded.

“He recognised you didn't he?” Sebastian noted.

“Hm, 'friad so. Guess this mug is too well known back home. Guessing he recognised you too mate.”

Sebastian shrugged. It couldn't be helped and it wasn't the guy's fault he knew who they were. It crossed his mind that Bruce could tell the press about them being here, but really what could he do? The press were hardly about to high-tail it here across the ocean and if he told them anything it could only be that they had been here on holiday and been surfing. Big whoop. Seb pushed it out of his mind and started struggling into his wetsuit.

 

Sebastian tugged up the short wetsuit up and then turned so Mark could zip him up before Seb did the same for him and they headed out to find Bruce waiting with two surfboards ready to go.

“So if you need anything, it's really quiet today so I'll just be here,” he offered.

“Think we're good mate, but thanks.”

Mark shouldered the little rucksack they had brought with them and they manhandled the boards out and down the beach.

 

 

 

They set up camp half way down to the sea and Mark put the boards out flat by one another before looking over at Sebastian to see if he was ready.

“Right then, let the lesson commence.”

Seb rolled his eyes thinking Mark was enjoying this a little too much.

“Don't we need to go into the water?” he asked, considering that was rather fundamental to surfing.

“Nope. First lesson here. How to mount the board,” instructed Mark.

“Okay, if you say so,” accepted Seb.

 

 

After a little while of Mark showing Sebastian the steps and the pair of them trying not to laugh as they both felt pretty silly acting out the moves on the beach, Mark finally relented and they took the boards down to the shore.

“It's a lot stronger out here mate,” warned Mark, as they stepped into the water.

Sebastian nodded, already feeling the pull of the tide washing in and out. The waves were far higher over here and if they had simply been swimming he might have preferred their normal bit of the sea on the other side, but it worked for today's purpose.

They waded into the water until they were about waist deep and then Mark suggested they just try lying on the boards and paddling around to get used to it. This didn't last long before Seb got bored and insisted he could do more.

“Okay let me dump my board,” offered Mark.

He took it back to the beach and returned to Sebastian's side.

“Aren't you doing it too?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“I promised I'd catch you didn't I?” he replied.

Seb tsked. “Such little faith.” But secretly he loved the idea that Mark's priority was him.

 

 

They started with Mark holding the board while Seb attempted moving first from lying down and paddling to kneeling and then to crouching on the board. Most attempts failing and Sebastian shrieking and flinging himself into the water at Mark who stuck by his promise and caught him every time.

The umpteenth time this happened Mark pretended to glower at Sebastian.

“I'm sure you're doing this on purpose.”

Seb grinned, his arms around Mark's neck despite the fact they were easily able to put their feet on the sand to keep themselves up.

“Stop complaining. I think you like it.”

Mark laughed and gave him a little kiss.

“Mmm.”

He pushed Seb away and restored a stern look to his face.

“Try again.”

Sebastian pouted as he set his board straight.

“You're a mean teacher.”

“No I'm not. I'm very patient. Now try again.”

 

 

They went on like this, joking and messing around, but Sebastian's natural instinct was to listen to instructions and work hard to improve himself. Despite the fact Seb fell off into his arms 'accidentally' quite as frequently, Mark could tell he was quickly getting better. He reflected that it was no surprise really seeing as Seb was a sportsman with an athlete's fitness and an excellent sense of balance and co-ordination.

“Very good for your core body strength this is mate,” explained Mark as he looked up at Sebastian, holding onto his board as Seb let go of the sides and rapidly brought his legs up to balance unsteadily in a low crouch.

“Yeah? Oh oh Mark!”

Sebastian had turned to look at him at the wrong moment and came crashing down on Mark yet again, giggling and splashing the pair of them under water.

As they righted themselves Mark shook away the water from his face whilst maintaining a firm grip on Seb. In truth he was no more disappointed than Sebastian was that so far today mostly seemed to involve Seb throwing himself at him.

 

“Okay I think it's time you had a go on your own,” Mark decided.

“Oh but Mark, who will catch me?” asked Sebastian in a teasing melodramatic voice.

Mark laughed and pushed Seb away.

“You'll swim mate,” insisted Mark. “No better way to encourage you to stay on.”

“You won't let me drown though?” asked Sebastian sounding a little more serious.

Mark pulled him back in again.

“You know I'd never let you drown,” assured Mark.

It crossed Mark's mind that it was a promise he had made some time ago. Long before there was anything between them he had vowed that no matter how difficult their relationship in the team got, he would at least save Sebastian if he saw him drowning in the sea. Maybe his subconscious had known more than he realised at the time.

Sebastian put his arms around Mark's neck and pushed up close to give him a kiss.

“Mein Fels in der Brandung,” reminded Sebastian.

“Always.”

 

They forgot surfing for a moment before pulling themselves back.

“Right, I'm getting my board.”

 

Mark strode through the water to fetch his surfboard before returning to Sebastian and they hoisted themselves on to paddle further out to begin trying to surf in the higher waves.

Sebastian fell in far more often than he succeeded, but he kept trying and Mark encouraged him with a combination of teasing and praise. The first time Seb made it almost all the way in to the shallow water he jumped off and shouted back to Mark in triumph.

“Haha! I am the champion.”

 

Seb frowned when he looked and realised that he couldn't see Mark, only his board bobbing on the water nearby. For half a second he was worried, but then he found his ankles being grabbed under water and fell over as Mark had swum up through the water to get him. Seb shrieked and splashed at Mark as he rose up from beneath the surface.

“Git,” complained Sebastian.

Mark was laughing too hard to reply, so he pulled Seb into shallower water and dragged him on top of his chest to kiss him.

Seb rolled off thinking this was over-complicated by the fact that he still had a surfboard leashed to him.

 

Mark grinned at him.

“Maybe I'm the shark?”

Sebastian shook his head. Mark could never be that.

“Okay. Shall we have a break and get some lunch?” suggested Mark.

“Yeah I'm starving.”

Mark smiled.

“Well this is great exercise. Antti will be thrilled.”

Sebastian nodded thinking that might be true, although he couldn't imagine how they could include this in their normal training plans.

 

They sorted themselves out back on the beach, retrieving the lunch they had packed from the bag and peeling their wetsuits down to the waist to dry off.

 

“How're you liking it then?” asked Mark.

“Yeah good. Think I'm a natural,” joked Sebastian.

Mark rolled his eyes.

“One decent run.”

“On my first day.”

“Yeah alright. You're doing good mate.”

Mark saw the way Seb beamed at the genuine praise and smiled back at him.

“Let this food settle down for a bit and then have another go?” suggested Mark.

“Sure,” agreed Seb.

It was getting hot now, but the wind was cool and the water was distinctly colder on this side of the island so Sebastian thought he'd be fine, besides they were having too much fun to curtail their day.

 

By the late afternoon Sebastian was managing several runs at catching waves to stand on the board without 'wiping out' as Mark put it, and he was feeling pretty proud of himself. Mark could have pointed out that the swells here were fairly tame in comparison to other places, but that would have felt unkind when all he really wanted was for Seb to be enjoying himself.

 

Finally worn out, they spent a little longer drying out again before returning their rented kit and began the walk back.

Sebastian looked over at Mark.

“Want me to take that?” he offered, referring to the bag Mark was carrying.

“Nope, I've got it. Besides I thought you said you were knackered.”

“Well...”

“It's fine,” insisted Mark.

 

He slipped his hand into Sebastian's and they walked along the lane that was really little more than a dirt track. The girl at the hotel had been correct; there was no way to get lost seeing as it was the sole road, with no diversions and only rough countryside and woodland alongside.

“If you fancied it, maybe we could try that place up the beach tonight?” suggested Mark as they neared the hotel.

“Um, yeah.”

Mark read Seb's hesitancy.

“Maybe another night?”

“Yeah. To be honest I am pretty tired.

Mark nodded and let go of his hand to slip his arm over Sebastian's shoulder.

“Well then we can just chill out, get some food, have an early night?” he suggested.

Seb nodded and smiled up at him.

“That sounds perfect.”

Sebastian thought he was going to sleep like the dead tonight.

 

 

 

Mark and Sebastian sat out on the verandah after dinner, having a drink and looking through the photos they had taken on their phones, laughing at how bad some of them were, playing 'delete or keep' and promising to send the half-decent ones to one another so that they each could keep them. They were still sat at the table, their chairs pushed alongside so they could lean in. Sebastian rested his head against Mark's shoulder and looked out at the dark night wondering what time it was. He was so tired.

 

Mark huffed a laugh at the photograph he was looking at. He was about to nudge Seb and joke that it was a lovely shot of their chins in this particular picture when he looked and saw that Seb was fast asleep. He smiled and swiped back through a few photos to look at some of his favourites. They did look happy. Happy and stupidly lost in one another. Anyone else might think these pictures silly or soppy but Mark didn't care. One day they would be far apart, stuck in some godforsaken hotels on opposite sides of the world, missing each other like crazy, and Mark knew he would be glad to have a little piece of this to have with him.

He thought this holiday had been worth every penny. Seb actually looked physically younger in those pictures, the strain of the past months had sapped them both, but Mark had been starting to worry that Sebastian had been getting a pinched, tired appearance, the stress and upset combining with him all too frequently not eating properly. He looked healthy again now thank god.

Mark turned his head to look at Sebastian sleeping. Today really had worn him out, but that was okay, it was a good kind of tired. Mark was pretty tired himself.

“Seb.”

He gave him a gentle nudge up.

“Hmmph.”

Mark smiled indulgently.

“Wake up sweetheart, we need to actually go to bed.”

“Huh?”

“Am I going to have to resort to that threat to put you over my shoulder again?” teased Mark.

That woke Sebastian. He sat up and saw Mark grinning at him.

“Bed?”

“Oh, yeah.”

Seb had been nice and comfortable then. He was still half asleep as Mark stood up and offered a hand which Seb took without hesitation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark was woken by light pouring in through the sheer curtains to their room, intended as they were only to shield them from view and not to block out more than the strongest rays of the sun to keep the room cool. He lay tightly wrapped around Sebastian who was curled up in front of him. Mark breathed in the scent of him as his face rested against the back of his head. Seb smelt wonderfully familiar with just a hint of the sea thrown in. His body was warm and soft up against Mark, breathing steadily and slowly. Mark took a moment to regulate his own breathing to fall into time with Sebastian's enjoying the way it felt to be so close.

He'd been having a lovely dream then. Mark couldn't quite recall it, but the echoes reverberated; Seb and him together, somewhere cosy and safe, Seb all warm and nice and _oh,_ Mark's still drowsy brain finally registered the fact that he was already half-hard. The dream had been enough but now Mark had woken up with the real thing and his heart picked up pace as he realised just how much he wanted him.

Mark lifted his head a fraction to see if Sebastian was awake.

“Seb?”

“Hmm?”

A little smile crept onto Mark's face. Not asleep. Good. If Sebastian had been he would have simply had to roll away from him, thinking calming thoughts until the urge to be with him settled down and went away for a while.

Mark lifted his head a little higher and kissed Seb's shoulder.

“Are you awake?” he teased.

Sebastian let out a long sigh and finally opened his eyes, turning his head slightly, but otherwise staying still. He looked at Mark, words as yet not quite forming in his tired mind.

“Mmm.”

Mark moved back in and started kissing along Sebastian's shoulder, dragging his lips along his soft warm skin before starting to kiss his neck in just the way he knew turned Seb on, getting a pleasingly receptive noise in response. He didn't consciously mean to do it, but Mark couldn't help moving his hips into Seb as he did so.

 

Sebastian was just losing himself to the gentle sensation of Mark kissing him when his sleepy brain cottoned on to the way Mark was pressing in to him. In this state all that really ran through his mind was 'Oh. _Ohh._ ” Mark was hard, but the way he was moving against him was so soft, so gentle, so comfortable. The way Mark was kissing him just there, right in the way he liked it, oh god it felt so good, Seb didn't want him to stop.

His breathing started to speed up as Mark switched to kissing the nape of his neck and then began kissing down his spine. Sebastian lost whatever level of consciousness he thought he'd achieved and gave in to the feeling, grateful little noises falling from his mouth encouraging Mark to go on with what he was doing. As Mark moved back up again he couldn't stop himself pressing more firmly into Sebastian who instinctively pushed his hips back against him.

“Oh god. Seb, Seb, Seb.”

Mark's hands were around Seb's front and running all over his skin, unco-ordinated and urgent. He had to have him, now, _now_.

 

Sebastian felt Mark's hot breath on his shoulder-blade, his chest pressed into Seb's back moving heavily. It had taken them no time at all to get here, no build-up, no formalities, just need and desire and the immediacy of something so familiar and natural they didn't need to think about anything.

Seb closed his eyes as he felt how hard Mark was as he pressed against him. Like this, the way Mark's hard cock was pressing against his arse and the way he couldn't help but push back, practically begging Mark to take him.

“Mark,” gasped Sebastian.

Mark moved his mouth back up to kiss just under Sebastian's ear, whispering in it, not even sure if he was making intelligible words. He reached his hand down and started stroking Seb's cock, pleased to find how hard he was in turn.

“Yeah,” breathed Mark.

“Yeah,” echoed Seb.

He turned his head, twisting his shoulder back as Mark moved up, finding a way to kiss hungrily, trying to remember to breathe in between.

Mark pulled away to heave in a deeper breath and then kissed Sebastian's cheek before moving his hands to press down into the bed so he could lean over Sebastian and look in his eyes.

“Seb, I have to have you, now, please darling,” he implored desperately.

Seb looked up at him and nodded.

“Yes.”

Mark smiled and ducked in to kiss him again before moving off and rolling over to find the lube on the bed-stand before settling back to resume kissing Sebastian. He felt so good like this, all hazy and uninhibited. Mark ghosted his lips over Seb's shoulder, smiling at the way he shuddered in response. Mark placed a hand on Seb's hip and whispered in his ear.

“Do you want to move now?”

Sebastian took a long breath in. He didn't want to move, he was comfortable like this.

“Mmm,” Seb sighed. “No.”

Mark furrowed his brow. No? But Seb seemed completely onboard a second ago. Mark was confused. Maybe his brain wasn't working properly.

“Seb?”

Didn't he want to? But Mark was sure he did. Maybe Seb wanted something else instead?

“Like this.”

“Hm?”

Sebastian shifted his upper body around a little to look at Mark.

“Like this,” he enunciated slowly.

Seb didn't want to change anything about how they were right now. He was drowsily comfortable and completely relaxed. The way Mark was lying against him felt so good, all he wanted was more of this, more of Mark.

To underline his point he took Mark's hand and placed it on his hip whilst pushing his arse back into him.

Mark closed his eyes and groaned at the sensation, dropping himself back down onto the bed and simply resting his face into the back of Sebastian's head for a moment while he gathered himself.

“Mark?”

“Yeah.”

Mark lifted his head back up and breathed in his ear.

“You're sure?”

 

They'd never had sex this way before, Seb had always had to be facing him, had to see Mark. It was never discussed, merely something that was understood between them. Mark had never brought the matter up because he didn't want to think he was pressuring Sebastian into anything.

“Yeah. Just... Please, just like this, okay?”

“Okay then,” agreed Mark softly. “Okay, like this.”

More than fine by him.

 

He found the lube without ever turning for it and started to touch him, gently not wanting to change the pace of things, continuing to kiss Seb's skin and listen to the pleased little noises Seb was making until he was sure he was ready.

“Okay?” Mark checked.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Sebastian felt as though he was going to dissolve right there. He twisted his body slightly to kiss Mark on the lips again and to nod encouragement.

 

“Okay, like this.”

Mark moved his hand and carefully shifted Sebastian's left leg, bending it forwards so that he could move into position.

Seb sighed and closed his eyes as he felt Mark's hands go to his hips and he slowly pushed inside him. His head fell to his chest and for a moment everything stopped, including Seb was sure his breathing and his heart.

Mark slipped an arm underneath Sebastian and sent it around his chest to meet his other arm as he held him in tight and breathed with him. He leant his cheek against Seb's neck and closed his eyes to let himself just feel this, feel Seb and how together they were.

 

Sebastian placed his hands over Mark's that were wrapped around his chest holding them tightly in together. In that moment it didn't even occur to him to analyse the way they were, it just felt natural and right, the way Mark was enveloping him like this. All Seb felt was how much Mark loved him, how he could feel Mark chest rising and falling with own and his strong heart beating through his ribs, the sound of Mark breathing in his ear. Everything familiar and safe and reassuring and good.

Mark took a deep breath in before pressing in a kiss to the edge of Sebastian's jaw.

“Okay darling?”

It was more difficult to read Seb like this and Mark wanted to be sure.

“Yeah good, good. So good,” breathed Sebastian.

“Good,” confirmed Mark.

 

All good. No rushing this, thought Mark. No rush, just keep things easy and slow, nice and slow. He began to gently rock his hips into Seb, encouraging Sebastian to move with him, whispering in his ear, telling him how good this felt, how perfect Seb was, how much he loved him, continuing until Mark was no longer sure he was making sense as his brain got fuzzy and all Mark could do was breathe hotly and try to hold on.

 

Sebastian didn't realise that he had closed his eyes until he opened them again as he felt Mark attempt to move his hands and Seb appreciated how tightly he had been grasping onto him. Seb slackened his hold and allowed Mark to slide his hands down to Seb's hips and start to move them a little more vigorously.

“That's it, that's it darling,” urged Mark.

Slow as they had been taking things they knew they couldn't last forever, skin starting to overheat and breathing getting out of control. Sebastian gasped and moved a hand from covering Mark's to touch himself, his head dipping forwards and slipping off the pillow as he started to moan erratically, hardly knowing what he was doing.

Mark realised what he needed and let go of Seb's hip as their rhythm increased and sent his hand to join Sebastian's to stroke his cock, feeling how much he needed him as the noises Seb was making hitched louder and higher. Normally the way their bodies pressed together offered more than enough friction to give Sebastian what he needed, but it was different like this, like this he needed Mark's help, his touch. Sebastian suddenly twisted his upper body, urgently wanting Mark's lips on his own. He turned his head a little awkwardly, lifting it up to meet Mark's, neither one of them caring that it stole even more of the breath they were already struggling for.

Tangled like this made movement difficult and they paused for a second to prioritise the kiss before dropping back down to continue moving faster as things reached an unstoppable intensity and they crashed over the edge one after another.

 

Mark rested his forehead on the back of Sebastian's head and tried to regain his breathing, his hands back wrapped around Seb's chest to hold him tight, feeling Seb slow along with him.

Sebastian was floating somewhere, he didn't know where, it felt like they were in the sea moving up and down with the tide, but that was fine, Mark was holding on to him and everything was okay. Only when he felt Mark kiss his shoulder again before finally moving did Seb find himself drawn aback to reality. He sighed and swivelled around to properly face Mark who shifted his arms so that he could place his hands at the small of Sebastian's back to pull him in close. Seb looked up at Mark still feeling slightly dazed and matched the soft smile on his face.

“Hey,” greeted Mark in a low voice.

“Hey,” echoed Sebastian.

They stared at one another for a long minute before moving in to kiss, languid and with no end in sight. They were slick with sweat and knew they should drag themselves to the nice cool water of the shower, but that could wait, everything but this could wait, no rush.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Much later that day they lay on the loungers on the verandah out of the hot afternoon sun. There was barely a breeze and both Mark and Seb felt lethargic after their lunch even though they had hardly done anything all day.

Mark had a book in front of him but he wasn't reading it, he was too busy thinking. He looked over at Seb, wondering if his eyes were closed under those sunglasses. He'd been very quiet for a while now and Mark thought there was a chance he might have fallen asleep.

“Seb?”

“Hmm?”

Seb was awake then. Mark wasn't entirely sure if that was good or not. He thought they needed to have a chat. He might be worrying unnecessarily, but he wanted to be sure of a few things.

Sebastian lifted his sunglasses and turned to Mark.

“Can we talk?” Mark began.

 

Sebastian frowned and pulled his sunglasses off and put them down to look at Mark properly. 'Talk' usually meant something serious and he didn't want anything serious to be a part of their holiday when they were having such a nice time.

“What is it?”

Mark hesitated. He didn't want to talk about anything serious either, but he couldn't leave this or it would nag at him. He shifted onto his side and shuffled closer to where his lounger met Sebastian's. Mark put his hand on Seb's arm and looked at him carefully.

“This morning... You did like it didn't you?”

Seb furrowed his brow, he thought it was pretty obvious how much he had liked it.

“Of course,” he assured.

Mark nodded.

“Right. Good. Okay. It's just, well, we've never been like that before and I just wanted to be sure.”

Mark hated that talking about sex could still be an area of difficulty for them, but he knew how awkward Sebastian could still be in some ways. Given his history Mark knew it was natural, but there were things that they couldn't ignore.

Sebastian sat up a little more.

“Course.”

“And you were happy with us being like that, with us not facing?” pressed Mark.

 

He needed to be clear about this. Mark knew Seb hadn't wanted that in the past and in if he had coerced him in any way Mark would feel terrible.

Seb nodded. He glanced at Mark's hand and the way it was gently running up and down the inside of his lower arm in a soothing motion. The truth was he hadn't thought about it at the time and he didn't really want to consider the implications that Seb knew existed. This morning had felt nice, safe, comfortable. It had been about him and Mark being together in a way that worked for them in that moment, that was all. He didn't want to think beyond that.

“It was fine, I mean good. Course it was,” Seb reassured.

Mark relaxed somewhat.

“Okay, that's... I just wanted to be sure. I just... I'd never want us to do anything you were uncomfortable with.”

“It was comfortable, I mean I was. That was why I said... I mean it was my idea wasn't it?”

Mark was unconsciously drawing little shapes on Seb's skin with his fingers.

“Yeah, no that's good. It's just I wouldn't want to think I'd pressured you in any way.”

Seb shook his head.

“You didn't.”

“And you would say?”

“Yes.”

“You promise?”

 

Mark knew he was pushing this, but he had to be sure. There was no way of avoiding talking about this without the chance that one of them was unhappy and that situation could be potentially catastrophic to their relationship going forwards.

“I promise. I've always promised haven't I?”

Sebastian thought back to when they had very first got together and they had talked about this. In some ways he was no more comfortable talking about this aspect of them sleeping together than he had been eight months ago.

“Yeah, okay. And you'd never do something just to make me happy?”

Sebastian frowned.

“I want to make you happy.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and slowly stroked his hand along Seb's arm.

“Well thank you, and likewise darling, but I mean I wouldn't want you to do anything _just_ to make me happy, if it made you unhappy or uncomfortable in any way. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise me.”

Mark looked at him seriously.

Seb nodded before realising that Mark needed to hear it.

“I promise. But it's okay. Making you happy makes me happy too.”

Mark smiled.

“Well that's the general idea.”

 

He paused again, Mark was trying to emphasise that it was Seb they were talking about. He drew his fingers slowly down Sebastian's arm.

“As long as this morning made you happy too, as long as you enjoyed it, that's all I'm checking, and that you'd say otherwise?”

Seb nodded again. He thought he'd got so much better at talking about sex, about being confident and telling Mark what he needed, but some things remained painful topics.

“Like that, the way were were... that was nice.”

Sebastian knew that 'nice' sounded like faint praise, but in the circumstances 'nice' was a big deal. He pushed himself to elaborate a bit so Mark would understand.

“It felt good. It felt right... but, just like that.”

Something horrible gripped Seb's heart as he tried not to think about why he was saying that.

“Just like that,” agreed Mark carefully, trying to make sure he understood without forcing Sebastian to talk about anything that made him uncomfortable.

 

Even though there was no one else around, Sebastian found himself using a very quiet voice. It encouraged them to lie close by one another, but that was no bad thing.

“Like that, if I'm in front, if you're behind me, I think only like that. It's good but only like that. Not...”

 

Seb's voice caught and he swallowed, trying very hard not to consider why it was only alright in the way they had lain this morning. Seb tried to focus on that; how good it had felt to have Mark's arms around him, to be held so close, knowing without needing to see that it was Mark and he loved him, that he only wanted to make Seb happy. That was always what Mark wanted and he would never do anything to make him unhappy or deliberately hurt him in any way, that Seb could always say no or change his mind, that he could trust Mark.

Mark was nothing like Heikki, nothing like the ones who had gone before, nothing like them, nothing like that.

Seb closed his eyes for a second trying to block that out, trying not to even think there was anything to think about, anything to remember, anything bad lurking behind that heavy wooden door in Sebastian's mind. But merely thinking that seemed to cause a rush of images fighting their way into his head and Seb couldn't stop it. He had been so relaxed that it caught him off-guard; all the ways in which sex with Mark was _not_ like the past, the way that lying in his arms this morning was _not_ like the way it had been before.

With Mark there was nothing that was aggressive or impersonal or forced. It was nothing like that, but old repressed memories now crashed into Sebastian, his heart seizing and his blood running too hot as they overtook him; Being forced onto hands and knees, held down on hard surfaces, pushed into a mattress, his face buried, hardly able to breathe, hands roughly gripping him, forcing bruises into skin, his eyes closed to try to shut it out, his head filled with fear and humiliation and shame. No care, no love, no hope.

 

Sebastian took a sharp breath in and opened his eyes, trying to remind himself how far away he was from all that, but before Seb could prevent it, tears were leaking out. He sat up and tried to push them away, but Mark had seen and was horrified.

“Oh Seb, _no._ Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to upset you.”

Mark shot up and sent his arms right around Sebastian to hold on to him, Seb pressing his face into Mark's chest, trying to shut off the tears and calm himself down.

Mark rested his cheek on the top of Seb's head and gently rubbed his hands over Seb's upper arm and back.

“Oh darling, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said anything, I shouldn't have pushed. I'm so stupid. I'm sorry. I'm sorry my darling. I'm sorry,” he soothed.

Sebastian shook his head against Mark, trying to tell him it wasn't Mark's fault, but he couldn't speak yet. Seb felt on the verge of going shaky and he was trying to absorb the comfort of Mark holding him. He breathed Mark in and calmed his mind, telling himself to breathe slowly and to shut out the horrors of his past, concentrating only on how good things were now.

 

Mark couldn't believe he had stumbled so badly there when he was trying to be certain Sebastian was happy, only succeeding in making him unhappy. He was an idiot for pressing Seb when it was such a sensitive matter for him.

“I'm such a clumsy oaf. I'm sorry Seb, I didn't mean to upset you, I'm sorry.”

Sebastian heard the anguish in Mark's voice and couldn't let it go on when it wasn't Mark's fault. Mark who was so good to him, who was so caring. It wasn't fair that Mark suffered because of the bad people in Seb's past. In a way they were hurting Mark too.

Sebastian lifted his head and looked at Mark.

“Sorry,” he apologised.

Mark shook his head.

“No I'm sorry. I don't know when to shut up.”

Sebastian sniffed and pushed away the tears on his face, feeling calmer and able to speak.

“It's not you. It's me. It's just you know, stuff. Stuff from my past. I don't want to think about it. How things were...”

 

Mark leant his forehead down into Seb's. Of course that was it. Sebastian's horrific past was never going to disappear, no matter how hard they tried to move on. It was an ever-present danger and of course that was the reason that discussing anything related to sex was such a tortured matter.

He squeezed Seb tighter for a moment, then sat away and looked at him.

“I'm so sorry sweetheart. I didn't mean to make you go there. That's the last thing I want.”

Sebastian nodded.

“It's okay. I know. It's not your fault. I'm sorry Mark, it just snuck in. it's nothing to do with you, it's nothing you did. It's just there. I wish it wasn't, but it is. No matter how hard I try to shut it out I can't forget it,” he explained.

 

Mark raised his hands up and gently placed his hands either side of Sebastian's head before drawing them down each side as if easing the bad memories away before leaning in to kiss his forehead.

“Come here,” coaxed Mark.

He helped pull Seb onto his lounger to fit on together so they were pressed close. Seb automatically leaned into his chest and they put their arms around one another.

“We won't do anything that brings up bad memories, I'd never want that Seb. I only want you to be happy sweetheart. That's the only thing that matters to me,” Mark insisted.

Sebastian pressed the side of his face down into Mark's chest for a moment and then lifted it away so he could stretch up to kiss Mark's cheek.

“I know Liebling. I love you so much. I wish things weren't so complicated. I wish I wasn't so...”

Seb trailed off. 'Fucked up' was what he was going to say, but it made Sebastian sad to even think it.

 

Mark saw how troubled Seb looked and wanted to erase those troubles.

“There's nothing wrong with you Seb,” insisted Mark firmly. “You're perfect.”

Sebastian raised his eyebrows dubiously, knowing he was far from that. But Mark looked at him firmly.

“You are to me. You are gorgeous and smart and brave and strong. I love you and that's never going to change.”

Sebastian could have cried again at hearing such praise, but he knew that wasn't the point, so he merely said thank you and leaned in against Mark as he pulled the pair of them to lie down together, Seb on his side to squeeze on. He sat his head on Mark's shoulder and looked up at him.

“I could tell you how amazing you are, but we'd need a longer holiday,” noted Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh, smiling and dropping his head to kiss Seb in thanks.

“Can we stay this way for a bit?” requested Seb.

“Of course darling,” assured Mark.

 

Sebastian wanted to say more, but he still felt shaken inside. He took a deep breath and settled in, knowing that lying in Mark's arms was the best way to make himself feel better. Seb concentrated on thinking through all the techniques Henry had taught him; to breath slowly and know that he was safe, that the past was behind him and could only hurt him now if he let it, that he was in a good place now and everything was okay. He focussed on the reality of his situation; he was with Mark in a warm and beautiful place far from the troubles of day-to-day life.

Seb hated that he still fell apart so fast, even here when they were so happy, it took so little to push him into a state. The problem was that even getting so far away from everything didn't really mean leaving his issues behind him because they resided in Sebastian's head, so wherever he went, they went with him. He couldn't let them take over though, he couldn't let their lovely holiday be ruined by getting worked up over nothing.

All poor Mark had done was try to talk things through to make sure he was alright and Sebastian had fallen so fast it was as if a trap door had opened underneath him. So many times that happened, so many times now, and Mark was always the one to reach out a hand to grab him and haul him back up. Every time. Mark saved him every time, and he was right here, holding him in his strong warm arms. Seb breathed Mark in to be calmed.

 

Mark stroked his hands over Sebastian's skin. He could feel Seb's heart beating too rapidly and thought how horribly familiar a sensation it was. Mark didn't need it spelling out to understand precisely what it was that had distressed Seb. He knew only too well what lurked in his past; far too many horrific experiences, far too much for Seb to simply shut it out. There was no way a person could just forget all that.

Mark had never hated a person before in his life. He had disliked people, been annoyed by them, been angry with them. That person had even been Sebastian at times, although Mark knew now that hadn't been the real Seb he had been angry with. But Heikki he truly hated with all his heart. Mark couldn't think how he had stayed so calm during their encounters last year. If he saw him now Mark thought he would want to rip Heikki limb from limb, tear into him and watch him die, slowly and in pain. But any pain Mark could inflict on Heikki would be nothing compared to what he had done to Sebastian, the scars he had left that no one could see, the wounds that wouldn't heal.

Mark pressed a kiss into Sebastian's forehead. Hate was a destructive emotion. It did no good and it wouldn't help Seb, so Mark pushed it aside. They were never going to see Heikki again, he could rot in hell. Mark had to make sure Seb stopped hurting like this.

 

Sebastian shifted his head to look at Mark.

“I'm sorry. I don't want to spoil things,” he apologised.

Mark shook his head.

“No darling. You're not spoiling anything. It's okay. I understand, it's alright.”

Sebastian took another long deep breath. He was okay.

Mark moved a hand to take Seb's wrist and rubbed his thumb over the little tattoo.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

He looked up at Mark's lovely warm face and raised his hand to place it at the side of that face before stretching up to kiss him. Feeling rather better Sebastian lowered back down.

“It was just bad memories. I didn't mean to let them in. I'm sorry.”

Mark frowned and shook his head again.

“You've nothing to be sorry for. It's just me and my big mouth, blundering about.”

“No. I am glad you asked. I know I'm not good at talking about us being together, but I do appreciate it. That you care enough to ask, that means a huge amount you know?”

“Good.”

“And I want you to know that I was being honest. This morning... it was good, I did like it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I promise. I wouldn't lie to you,” Sebastian assured.

“No darling of course not. So, well, that's good then.”

“Yeah. It was all relaxed and nice. I know that sounds, I don't know...” Seb trailed off.

Mark gave shake of his head.

“Nice is good. Nothing wrong with nice. Nice is nice,” insisted Mark.

Sebastian actually managed a little laugh at that.

“Nice _is_ nice. I know that doesn't sound very adventurous.”

Mark scrunched his face.

“I don't care about that. It's not a competition. When we're together it's just about that, about us being together, about feeling good and whatever feels right, whatever makes us happy.”

“Yeah, okay. Thank you Liebling.”

 

Sebastian rested his hand on Mark's chest and smiled at him. Mark smiled back. He hesitated before asking, but as they were talking about things he thought he should.

“The other day, in the shower, that wasn't too adventurous?” Mark checked.

Seb still smiled as he shook his head.

“No, that was, well that was good too, only maybe not every day. I think that might be a bit too much.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“No I think every day would be rather too much for me too. I'm an old man you know, I'm pretty sure that would finish me off.”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“You're not old.”

“No?”

“No, definitely not.”

Sebastian stroked his hand down Mark's chest and along his side. Mark wasn't old, he was fit and handsome and gorgeous and all his.

 

“Okay, well, thank you. I'm glad we're alright. That's all I ever want; I just want you to be happy, in whatever we do, as long as you're happy then that's what's right, whatever feels right _is_ right, okay darling?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Mark looked at him.

“You know I'd do anything to make you happy. Anything at all. If you asked me, I'd do it. If you wanted something, I'd give it to you,” asserted Mark.

“I only want you. That's all I need to make me happy.”

“You're sure?”

Seb frowned wondering what he could possibly want that he didn't already have.

“Of course.”

“I can't do anything for you, anything you'd want?”

Sebastian shook his head. He had no idea what Mark might mean.

Mark decided to ask something he had considered for a while.

“Maybe you might want to try swapping?”

“Swapping?”

“Positions.”

Seb couldn't make out what Mark meant. They swapped positions lots of times, did things for one another without asking.

Mark gave him a gentle smile. How could Seb be so innocent? He looked genuinely confused.

“Seb darling, I mean you and me. If you wanted to try it, just to see?”

Sebastian was so surprised that for a moment he didn't know what to say.

“I just wouldn't want to always assume things had to be this way around,” clarified Mark. “I wouldn't want you to feel you couldn't ask, or, I don't know... I just would hate to have never said.”

 

Sebastian was quiet and Mark thought that perhaps he'd got it wrong again. Maybe he should have left this conversation for another day?

“Seb?”

Mark leant in closer.

“Have I said the wrong thing? I just wouldn't want for us not to have talked about it.”

 

Sebastian hardly knew what to say. He had never even considered that they might swap roles. He was struggling to even imagine it.

“I... is that what you want?”

Mark shook his head.

“No, that's not what I mean. I'm trying to check what _you_ want.”

“I've never done that,” confessed Sebastian.

He sounded nervous and Mark wanted to reassure him.

“Well that's okay.”

Mark had been fairly sure of that already.

“You might like it?” tried Mark. “I know I do.”

He gave Seb a teasing smile, but Sebastian was too unsettled by the concept to smile back.

“If, if that's what you wanted.”

Seb tried to sound more positive, he thought he would do anything Mark wanted, but he had promised Mark that he would say if he was uncomfortable with something and a promise was a promise.

“I like how we are,” Seb blurted.

He looked at Mark apprehensively, hoping he wasn't disappointing him.

 

Mark sighed and knew he'd probably screwed up again. Seb sounded anxious and it tugged at his heart. Mark put his hand on Sebastian's cheek to reassure him.

“Then that's fine.”

“You're sure?”

“Yes I'm absolutely certain. Believe me, I'm more than happy with us as we are.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian let out a sigh of relief and Mark would have laughed in other circumstances, but it felt far too cruel now.

 

“Okay?” Mark double-checked.

Seb nodded quickly.

“I don't want anything to change,” he insisted.

Sebastian could feel his heart speeding up a bit, but he had to be brave and say this.

“I like sex the way we are.”

He spoke quietly and Mark leaned his head closer.

“I like how it feels, how you feel. It's good. You make me feel so good. I don't want that to stop.”

Mark smiled and kissed him.

“Then nothing needs to change,” he assured.

Mark could have suggested that Seb couldn't know how good it felt the other way around if he hadn't tried it, but it was only too obvious that Seb was uncomfortable with the idea, so they should leave it. At least Mark knew he had asked now.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. That's absolutely fine. More than fine. I'm completely happy with how things are. I just wanted to be sure you were too,” insisted Mark.

“Then we're alright?” checked Sebastian, sounding much more confident.

“Yes. We're great. If we're both happy then that's fantastic. I just didn't want to have never asked, that's all. I didn't mean to make you feel like anything was wrong with how we are now, that couldn't be further than the truth. I just wanted to say it so you knew that if you ever changed your mind and you wanted to see, just to try it, or anything you wanted, you knew you could say, any time, tomorrow, next month, next year, you can always change your mind and that would be fine.”

“Okay. Just as long as you're happy now?”

“I said so didn't I? Do I lie to you sweetheart?”

Mark looked at Seb pointedly and Sebastian shook his head slightly. Mark did not lie to him, not ever. All the tension dropped out of him and Seb dropped his head back.

“Fucking hell. Why does this all have to be so bloody complicated?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“It's just the way we are darling.” He gave Seb a kiss on the cheek. “The compensations are more than worth it.”

 

Sebastian puffed out a breath and looked out at the blue sky in front of them reminding him of where they were and that these kind of problems should be far from here.

“I feel like going for a swim. Do you fancy it?”

Mark nodded.

“Sure, why not.”

Time to wash all their worries away and re-set themselves again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They approached the doorway of 'Raymonds' and Sebastian let go of Mark's hand, suddenly nervous to find out what this place's attitude to a gay couple might be.

“I guess we can just have a drink and see if we like it?” he suggested.

Mark nodded, reading Seb's apprehension. It had been Sebastian's idea to come here tonight and Mark had been more than happy to go along with it to do something different as they neared the end of their time here, but if Seb wasn't happy Mark wouldn't be either.

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

 

Although it was fairly early there were plenty of signs of life at the bar with music playing and the lights strung from the edge of the roof all lit up. They pushed open the door and walked in to see a largish room simply decorated with a long bar down one side and small tables all around the other sides. The central area was open and Seb wondered if it counted as a dancefloor or if it was simply where patrons congregated to stand around. There were a few people at the bar talking and laughing and a couple of tables were already occupied.

Mark was just about to suggest they go to the bar to order a drink when a local man in his fifties appeared in front of them.

“Gentlemen, welcome to Raymond’s. You'd like a table? Come with me.”

He swept off leaving them no time to answer and took them over to a table by the windows along the right. Mark noted that there was no actual glass in the windows, which explained the way the place was boarded up each morning when they usually passed.

“You're staying at the hotel? I think I've seen you running in the morning. Very good. I would be lying in bed at that time if I did not have to get up and tidy this place!”

 

Mark was trying not to laugh. It seemed as though participation in the conversation was unnecessary as long as you nodded and smiled. Raymond had the same local accent as most of the staff at the hotel. If Mark had had to describe it he would have placed it as vaguely Caribbean with a hint of French, but it wasn't so strong as to be difficult to follow.

“I'll get you some drinks to be starting with and then we can sort out what you will eat,” decided Raymond.

Mark smiled over at Sebastian who looked slightly taken aback, then turned to face their host, knowing that he was in danger of laughing and he didn't want to offend him.

“That would be great, thank you. Seb, what would you like?”

Sebastian recovered himself.

“Oh, umm, a beer?”

Mark nodded.

“Sure, me too. Thank you.”

Raymond nodded.

“Okay beer to begin with and then you can try something a little more interesting. You are on holiday, you should be adventurous. I will make you something special.”

He disappeared off and reappeared again with two bottles of beer and a menu.

“There we go. I will be back in a minute. Ah more people. I think we will be busy tonight. You must excuse me gentlemen.”

 

As Raymond left off to pounce on another unsuspecting couple arriving at the bar Mark finally laughed.

“Oh my word. He's a character. I'm not sure just staying for a drink is an option. You don't mind do you?” Mark checked.

Seb smiled and shook his head. The guy seemed to run at two hundred miles an hour. Sebastian wondered where a man that age found the energy. Although Raymond stood half a foot shorter than Mark he seemed to expand to fill the room.

“He's certainly very friendly,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark chuckled and sipped his drink.

“That's one way of putting it,” he agreed.

 

Only a few minutes later Raymond returned to take their order.

“Oh umm, I've not really looked yet, sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

They had been too busy settling in having a drink to pay attention to the menu.

“Ah, no problem. I can save you the trouble. My wife is in the kitchen tonight, you should have her speciality; it is chicken with rice and vegetables. Ah it sounds like nothing I know, but my Henrietta has a way, it is a special sauce, I could not tell you what is in it, but I promise you it is good. You will like it.”

Mark was grinning at Sebastian thinking it was like being stood next to a small enthusiastic hurricane.

“Seb?”

“Oh, umm, yeah that sounds great.”

Raymond beamed at their acquiescence.

“Excellent, ah she will be so happy, and I know you will like it. I liked it so much it was the reason I married her.”

Raymond laughed and clapped Mark on the shoulder, seeming pleased beyond measure.

“Okay good, and now on to more serious matters.”

He looked at them and leaned in a little as if Raymond was about to confide in the pair.

“What will you have to drink?”

Mark laughed.

“Oh I think we're happy with the beer, thanks.”

Raymond looked appalled.

“Oh no no. Gentlemen, this will not do. This is a special night and you are on holiday, a special holiday I think.”

He leaned in and winked at them.

Seb's mouth opened a little and Mark was too surprised to say anything, so Raymond continued.

“Ah, you think I would disapprove? No no, everyone is welcome at Raymond's. This is a happy place, we all have a good time here. That is the whole point; everyone is happy at Raymond's.”

Sebastian smiled, feeling more than a touch of relief that they had encountered such a positive attitude.

“What would you recommend?” Seb asked.

Raymond grinned.

“Ah I tell you what, I shall make you _my_ speciality. My wife has the food, I the drink. I'll be right back.”

 

Seb looked at Mark's face and laughed.

“Alright there?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Good. Blimey, what do you think we're about to be presented with?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Can't go too wrong with chicken can you?

“True.”

 

 

Raymond returned to their table with two tall glasses filled with what looked like fruit juice.

“Here we go gentlemen, for your delectation and delight.”

He passed them over and waited for them to try the drink.

“If you do not like it I will take it away and we shall say no more,” he offered.

Sebastian and Mark smiled at one another, trying not to give away how amusing they found the whole scenario. They sipped the drink. It tasted of fruit, possibly a combination of pineapple and a few other exotic ingredients.

“Very nice,” agreed Seb.

“Mm,” added Mark vaguely.

Raymond looked suitably thrilled.

“Aha, see, I knew that you would like it. I am very good at reading people. It is all fresh and I make it myself. I have a boy that helps me at the bar,” he waved vaguely over at a young man serving, “but he cannot mix this quite right, so I do it myself.”

“Thank you.”

“Yes, thanks, but would you mind if we had some water as well?” requested Sebastian, thinking that although barely discernible he was certain that there was alcohol included.

“Of course. Yes the chicken is quite spicy, you may need it.”

 

 

Having brought over more glasses and a jug of water their host finally left them to it.

Mark puffed out a breath.

“Good lord, he's exhausting. No wonder his wife stays in the kitchen.”

Sebastian giggled.

“Ah that's mean. He's very nice. I like him.”

“Yeah I guess. Better this than unfriendly I suppose,” relented Mark.

“What do you think is in this?” wondered Seb.

Mark peered into the glass before taking another sip.

“Hmm, pineapple, some other juice and if I'm not mistaken a healthy slug of rum.”

Seb sniffed his. He couldn't smell rum, but Mark was probably right.

“You don't have to drink it,” allowed Seb. “I know cocktails aren't your thing.”

Mark shrugged.

“Nah, it's fine. It mostly tastes of fruit, nothing like that filth JB insists on. Besides, I rather think our host will be mortally offended if I leave it.”

 

 

They sat and relaxed, sipping their drinks and chatting as they waited for their food. The place gradually filled up, with tourists mostly taking up the tables and locals propping up the bar. Seb and Mark secretly smiled at one another as they saw new couples getting the Raymond treatment in turn. After a while a young girl appeared with two plates and they inspected the fare offered; Simple enough, as Sebastian had pointed out, you couldn't go too wrong with chicken. As they each took tentative mouthfuls and then reached for the water in unison, both Seb and Mark laughed.

“Blimey he wasn't kidding about spicy,” joked Mark.

Sebastian laughed back in turn.

“Yeah, it's alright though. You can tell everything's fresh.”

“Mm, yeah, that's always good.”

Mark took a large gulp of his cocktail to leaven out the fiery taste.

 

“Gentlemen, you like it?”

Raymond had sprung up by them again.

“Oh, um, yes thank you, very good,” offered Sebastian.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Good good. That is my daughter Hortense,” explained Raymond, indicating the girl bringing out the food. “She helps her mother now she has left school. She's a good girl, you ask her for anything you want.”

“Will do,” agreed Mark.

“Ah but you have almost finished your drink already. Ha! You must like it. What did I say? I shall fetch you a new one.”

 

Mark found a new full tall glass deposited on the table and Raymond grinned at Sebastian.

“You will have to keep up!”

Seb just smiled and nodded, but he was careful to alternate his drink with rather more of the water.

 

 

 

The food, though spicy, was indeed good and the place was obviously popular for a reason. As time passed the hubbub rose and the room filled with chatter and laughter, the music turned up to match. Mark and Sebastian found they had to lean in over the little table to hear one another. They were having a good time despite the unusual setting, relieved that no one in the bar seemed to pay them any notice or care in the slightest that they were there together.

Half the time rather than talk, the pair were happy enough just to smile over at one another. Sebastian sent his hand over the table and took Mark's in his own, pleased when Mark took it without hesitation and let their hands rest that way, casually stroking his thumb over the back of Seb's hand. When the girl came back to remove their empty plates and offer them dessert Mark saw the way she noticed and then carefully ignored it. She only looked about seventeen so Mark could hardly blame her for not being particularly worldly. They refused dessert, but when replacement drinks automatically arrived neither Mark nor Seb were in the mood to protest.

 

Mark picked up his drink and took another large gulp. The fruit juice made it all too easy to forget that there was alcohol included and as he had been drinking it with his meal Mark had neglected his water and consumed more than twice what Sebastian had managed. Each time he neared the end of a glass another one appeared without being requested and Mark failed to realise that he was on his fourth while Seb had only just started on his second drink.

He was starting to feel a bit fuzzy despite the food he had just eaten, but then they had been so hot earlier that they had hardly eaten anything for lunch and instead spent the afternoon sat at the table in the shade before finally giving in and having a nap. Later on they stirred themselves and had taken a dip in the sea once the heat of the afternoon had finally dissipated and that was when Seb had suggested coming here to let them feel as though they had actually done something with their day.

 

“Having a nice time?” checked Sebastian.

“Mm, very nice,” agreed Mark.

He patted Seb's hand and smiled at him.

“Did I do good with picking this holiday then?” asked Mark.

Sebastian laughed.

“Yes Liebling, you did fantastic,” praised Seb. “It's like a little piece of heaven.”

“Wouldn't heaven have racing cars?” chuckled Mark.

“Oh that's a good point. Yes we'd need to have a race track on the other side of the island, then it would be perfect.”

“You'll be sad to leave then?”

“Yeah, but we've got a couple more days. We don't need to think of that yet.”

“Mm, I think your brother is getting very excited.”

 

The texts from Fabian had switched to appearing every day now, despite the fact there was nothing that needed organising.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“I hope he's not going to be disappointed. I think we're very boring at home.”

“Boring?”

Mark pulled a face.

“No, I mean to him. I love our life at home, it's great, but I'm not sure it's terribly exciting for a teenage boy,” explained Seb.

“Mm, okay. Well I'm sure the race will be excitement enough for him. Besides, you know he only wants to spend time with you,” pointed out Mark.

Seb smiled at that. It was impossible not to feel gratified at how keen his little brother was.

“Yeah I guess.”

A thought suddenly occurred to Sebastian.

“Where are we going to put him?”

“Hm?”

“To sleep.”

“Oh.” Mark laughed. “Furthest bedroom away mate.”

Sebastian smiled down for a moment and then looked up at Mark, thinking about the way his brother had happily wandered in to join them in their bedroom when they had visited.

“Um, I guess we'd better lock the bedroom door.”

“Not opting for pyjamas then?” teased Mark.

Seb looked coyly at him.

“Well I'd rather not. I quite like having all of you all to myself,” he admitted.

Mark grinned.

“Me too darling.”

He stroked his fingers lightly up Seb's arm and looked at him suggestively.

“Perhaps we should head back?”

Seb grinned, but he was having such a pleasant evening, he didn't want to rush things.

“In a bit maybe. I like it here.”

 

They sat and talked a while longer, Sebastian sipping his water and Mark drinking more of his cocktail before another glass appeared to replace it. Raymond seemed to have taken up residence behind the bar and his daughter was on duty running around after everyone.

“Poor kid,” smiled Mark, “doing this every night must keep her fit.”

Sebastian smiled and gave a slight shrug. He wasn't really interested in some teenage girl flitting about in the background. The space in the middle of the bar had filled up, some groups around the edges just talking, but couples in the centre were dancing. He looked over at Mark.

“So you know you said you'd do anything for me? Anything I asked?”

“Hm? Yes of course sweetheart.”

Mark leaned closer.

“Anything you want. Have you thought of something?”

Seb paused and then looked up at Mark appealingly.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Look at you giving me the full blues.”

Sebastian pulled back a bit and Mark reached over to stop him, placing his hand on Seb's cheek.

“You have the most beautiful eyes.”

 

Seb felt a little thrill at Mark being so openly affectionate. When Mark let his hand drop back down and brush along his arm, he smiled and said what he'd wanted to.

“Dance with me.”

Mark looked thrown, that certainly wasn't anything he had imagined being asked.

“Oh I, well... Seb I'm not very good at that kind of thing mate.”

“I don't care.”

“I'm not very co-ordinated,” excused Mark.

“I don't care,” insisted Seb. “I want you to dance with me.”

Mark glanced at the bar full of people.

“You said you'd do anything I wanted,” reminded Sebastian.

Mark hesitated.

“You're not ashamed to be seen with me are you?” asked Seb.

Mark sat up at that.

“No of course not.”

“So? Unless you really don't want to? I mean you don't have to, it's okay,” backed off Seb, thinking that he shouldn't push it if Mark was unwilling.

 

Mark looked over at him and thought how he had promised Seb. He could never break a promise to him.

“Okay.”

Sebastian beamed with happiness and Mark smiled and shook his head.

“I'll probably look a complete fool, I'm warning you now.”

“Will you make a fool of yourself for me?” asked Seb.

He looked back at Mark, hoping against hope that he would, that Mark meant it when he said he really would do anything for him.

Mark smiled at Seb. Those big blue eyes rendered him helpless every time and Seb really did ask the littlest things of him. The littlest things to make him happy. He just wanted to make Seb happy. So what if he looked a complete pillock in the process? Fuck it.

Mark downed the rest of his drink and grinned at Sebastian.

“Well a promise is a promise.”

 

Seb was on his feet before Mark had time to change his mind and Mark let him tug at his arm to pull him up. As soon as he stood, Mark felt a slight head-rush and he wondered how much rum there had been hidden in those drinks. He looked at Sebastian trying to work out how on earth they did this.

“I honestly have no idea what to do here,” Mark admitted.

Sebastian just smiled at him. In truth he had no more notion of how this worked, but all he wanted was for Mark to be close with him. As Mark seemed stuck, Sebastian took his arms and placed them around his neck before sliding his own around Mark's waist. He didn't want to consider whether people were looking at them, but Sebastian couldn't help glancing around. It was okay though. The dancefloor area was full of similarly inebriated people, all intent on having a good time and far more interested in each other than they were in Mark and Seb. The place was bustling but the music slow and rhythmic.

Seb turned his head up to look at Mark and smiled reassuringly.

“Just listen to the music,” he encouraged.

 

Mark took a deep breath and felt the way Seb was pressed into him, as though he didn't want the slightest separation between them. Mark leaned in and kissed Seb's cheek. If Seb didn't care, he shouldn't either. No one was judging them, this wasn't about anyone else, it was just about being together. Mark did as he was told and listened to the music, shutting down his brain on all matters but the music and how great Seb felt.

They started to sway slightly in time, not moving very much but enough to feel that they were dancing. Sebastian felt as though he had never been happier in his entire life. Trophies, wins, championships, none it matched the feeling of Mark against him, smiling back down at him and forgetting his hang-ups as he saw how pleased Seb looked.

Sebastian angled his head up and lifted to press a kiss to Mark's lips. Mark making a fool of himself for him. Mark would do anything for him, anything he asked, because Mark loved him. When Mark lowered his forehead to rest against his own, Sebastian thought his heart had never been fuller. He could never have imagined that he got this; he got Mark, he was all his and he would do anything for him.

The music played on and they lost themselves to it. Mark moved to rest his cheek down by Sebastian's and closed his eyes. He wasn't even sure he could hear the music any more but it didn't matter, it was as if there was no one else in the room, no music, no noise, nothing but Seb and him together.

 

 

Eventually the music changed to a more up-tempo track and they moved their heads apart and looked at one another.

“Time to go?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian simply nodded and they found their way to the bar to settle their bill and thank Raymond for a good evening. As they walked out Mark slung his arm over Seb's shoulder and they headed off down the beach towards the hotel.

 

Hortense deposited a tray of empty glasses on the bar and looked at her father.

“Dad, they were dancing together. Those two men from the hotel.”

Raymond smiled at her innocence.

“Well of course they were my sweet. I think they must be on their honeymoon. I can always tell these things. I'm very good at reading people,” he asserted.

His daughter rolled her eyes. Her father always thought he knew _everything_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As they walked along the beach Mark tried to draw the nice cool air in to wake himself up, but it seemed to be having the effect of highlighting how out of it he felt. His brain didn't seem to be sending the right messages to his legs and his feet felt heavy. He had his arm around Seb's shoulders and Seb's arm was around his waist. Sebastian looked up at him as he realised that he was taking more and more of Mark's weight.

“Are you okay?” Seb checked.

“Hmmmm? Yeah, think I'm feeling all the rum now,” admitted Mark.

As he looked at Sebastian Mark omitted to concentrate on walking in a straight line and stumbled a little, requiring Seb to take a tighter hold of him.

“Oh my god Mark, you're drunk,” laughed Sebastian.

“Am not.”

Sebastian stopped dead and gave Mark a look.

“I'll let go of you shall I then?” he teased.

Mark looked at him and gave in.

“Maybe a bit tipsy. Think Raymond snuck more rum into my drinks.”

“Nothing to do with the fact you drank half a dozen of them then?” challenged Seb.

 

Mark scrunched up his face making Seb smile at how silly he looked.

“Not half a...” Mark's mind drifted and he forgot what the phrase was, “not that many. Was it?”

Mark honestly couldn't remember how much he had drunk. He hadn't been paying attention to that, he'd been gazing at Seb instead. He was gazing now. Seb looked so great, even in this near dark.

“Come on,” encouraged Sebastian. “I definitely think we should get back.”

 

Mark was drunk. Seb could hardly believe it. Mark never got drunk. Just how alcoholic had those cocktails been? He felt fine himself, but then he hadn't drunk that much really. He kept a firm grip around Mark's waist and walked them on along the beach. They were doing well until they reached a spot where the sand was uneven as if someone had been digging holes, maybe some kids from up at the hotel. Mark scuffed through the first few dips but then caught his foot in a deeper bit he hadn't noticed and tripped over, the momentum pulling the pair of them down. Mark only had enough alertness left to make sure that as they fell he pulled Sebastian so he landed on top and not the other way around.

“Whoops,” laughed Mark.

Seb laughed and rolled his eyes.

“If you wanted me that badly you could have just asked,” he joked.

Mark grinned dumbly up at him.

“I do want you. I always want you.”

Seb smiled and propped himself up on his elbows as Mark slipped his arms around him.

“Is that right?”

“Mmmmm.”

Mark pushed himself up and kissed Seb properly for a while before sighing and lying back.

“My darling Seb,” grinned Mark, “so lovely...”

 

Mark removed a hand from holding Sebastian in and raised it to very slowly to skim a finger down Seb's nose.

“So lovely, _so_ lovely,” echoed Mark happily, causing Sebastian to feel a glow of pleasure. He knew Mark was drunk, but he still meant what he said.

Mark sighed out a long breath, still staring at Sebastian.

“You've been staring at me all holiday,” noted Seb.

“Mm, I know, I can't help it,” confessed Mark.

“You can't help it?” teased Seb.

“Nope. I can't help it. Every time I look at you can't believe how lucky I've got.”

Sebastian smiled happily and Mark grinned even wider at the sight.

“My Seb; Mine, all mine.”

Seb laughed at him thinking how funny Mark was. He wasn't sure he had ever seen Mark drunk before.

“Am I yours then?” checked Sebastian.

“Yes darling, all mine.”

 

Mark put his arms further around Seb and squeezed him tight, thinking that there was nothing better in the entire world than the feeling of Seb lying with him. They moved to kiss for a while again before Sebastian lifted to look at Mark.

“You're mine too Liebling.”

Mark grinned.

“Course I am. You're mine and I'm yours and nobody else can have us, nobody, nobody...”

Mark sent his hands down Sebastian's back and then lower, grinning wickedly as he rested them on his arse and pulled him a little tighter.

“I'd quite like to have you now in fact.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Now?”

“Mmmmm, right now.”

“Not here,” protested Sebastian.

Mark pouted, doing a fair impression of Sebastian himself, but Seb was unmoved.

“Come on, get up. We're like 200 yards from our hut.”

 

Seb took both his hands and pulled Mark's off him so he could push himself up. Mark tried to pretend he was sad, but Sebastian gave him such a look he ended up laughing and offering up his hands to be pulled up. The effort was almost too much and Seb thought that they might indeed have to spend the night curled up asleep on the beach, but eventually he managed to prise Mark up off the sand. Mark crashed his body into Seb's the moment he was upright but Sebastian succeeded in balancing them and they staggered back, Mark lurching occasionally and threatening to send them over once more.

Even though it was a short distance, Sebastian was grateful when he got them back to their beach hut and after a couple of attempts, contrived to get the pair of them up the steps, skirted the loungers and through the doors to deposit Mark down on the bed.

 

He puffed out a long breath and sat down on the bed by Mark who was attempting to push himself up in a clumsy manner to get Seb to join him. Mark slid his hands under Sebastian's t-shirt, thinking of nothing but of how terrific his warm skin felt. He tried to pull the t-shirt further up but failed and Sebastian sat up to do it for him, gaining a happy smile in response.

“Now me,” requested Mark.

Seb laughed and rolled his eyes at how helpless Mark seemed, but as Mark attempted to sit up a bit to help, he made it look such an effort that Sebastian had to haul him upright so he could drag Mark's t-shirt over his head for him.

“Honestly Liebling, you're trashed,” bemoaned Sebastian.

 

Mark sighed and dropped back down, pulling at Seb's arm to get him to lie alongside.

“Liebling,” echoed Mark hazily.

He was staring at Sebastian again, this time thinking how incredible Seb's lips looked when he said that word. Mark lifted his hand and placed a finger to softly touch those lips, lightly as possible brushing the pad of his finger down before returning to trace his way all the way along Seb's lips. Sebastian smiled as he did so, but he didn't move away. It felt almost ticklish, but Mark looked so concentrated as he did this, Seb didn't want to stop him. Once he was done Sebastian gave Mark a kiss, before pushing himself to sit up.

Mark moved his hand from where he had rested it on Sebastian's waist and frowned up at him.

“Where are you going?”

Sebastian smiled down at him.

“I'm going to get you some water Liebling, believe me you'll thank me in the morning,” he assured.

“Oh, okay.”

Seb leaned over Mark and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

“Back in a moment.”

 

He got up and went to fetch them both some bottles of water from the fridge in the kitchenette area across the lounge. When Sebastian came back through he put the bottles down on the bedside table and saw that Mark had closed his eyes.

“You might want to have a drink now,” suggested Seb.

Sebastian sat on the bed by Mark and looked at him.

“Mark?”

He gave Mark's arm a very gentle shake, but the only response Seb got was Mark turning his head, his mouth falling open and Mark starting to snore slightly. Sebastian smiled and shook his head at his sleeping form.

Seb sighed and leant in to kiss Mark's forehead before getting up to use the bathroom, collecting up some paracetamol to leave by the water on the bedstand. He removed Mark's shoes for him, considered trying to do the same for his shorts, but decided that would be too much effort and instead managed to tug the quilt from under Mark to pull it over him, undressed and slid into bed.

 

Mark let out a long sigh, but he didn't open his eyes. Sebastian shuffled up closer to him and slid his arm around Mark's waist. He rested his head down by Mark's on the same pillow.

“Hmmmm,” sighed Mark.

“Mark?” tried Sebastian, but he got nothing back. Mark was dead to the world. Seb raised his hand and gently stroked it along the side of Mark's face.

“You never get to take the piss out of my drinking ever again Liebling.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the last night of their holiday they lay out on the sand looking up at the stars.

“I don't want to leave,” sighed Sebastian.

Mark shifted sideways slightly, turning his head on the cushion they had brought out from the sofa.

“Me neither, but I think your little brother will be very sad if we're not at the airport to meet in him in a few days time.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Poor Fabe, that would be sad. I suppose we couldn't do that to him.”

“No.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a kiss.

“We'll have a nice time with your brother and then before you know it we'll be in Spa.”

“Hmm.”

Seb didn't sound too enthusiastic and Mark frowned a little.

“Aren't you looking forward to it?”

He didn't want to think that Sebastian had been put off his racing.

Sebastian gave a little shrug.

“I know I will be once I get there, I just could do with the break being a few weeks longer.”

“Mm, yeah I know what you mean,” concurred Mark.

 

He grinned and slid his hand under Seb's t-shirt, stroking his skin and then tickling him where he knew Seb was sensitive. Sebastian giggled and pulled away before allowing himself to be dragged back closer so they could kiss again, hands wandering and bodies starting to move against one another until Sebastian shifted up and raised an eyebrow at Mark.

“Maybe we should go inside?”

Mark had been allowing himself to get nicely carried away there and his brain had been getting distinctly distracted.

“Hmm?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“I think all this fresh air does something to you,” he teased.

Mark simply grinned in response.

“ _You_ do something to me.”

“Mmm okay. Don't think we're staying here though. We have a very nice bed inside.”

“That's true.”

Sebastian leaned back and looked up at the night sky.

“Never saw the appeal of sex on the beach anyway,” admitted Mark breezily. “All that sand in the most unfortunate of places.”

He tickled Sebastian's side again who laughed and turned back to look at him.

“Well that didn't seem to be what you thought the other night.”

Mark frowned.

“Hmm?”

“You seemed pretty keen when I was trying to get you back from the bar, although in fairness you were totally trashed.”

Mark rolled onto his back, his face scrunched up.

“Oh dear. Don't remind me. God, I'm sorry. Honestly I don't know how Raymond hid all that rum in those drinks, they tasted like fruit juice.”

Seb leaned up on one elbow and stroked Mark's face.

“Poor Liebling, yesterday wasn't fun for you was it?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“No but you make a very good nurse.”

 

Sebastian smiled, remembering how Mark had been incapable of doing anything the day before but gratefully accept water and paracetamol, lying on the bed with his head resting on Seb's chest, moaning occasionally about the evils of cocktails and how this was in some obscure and unfathomable way, all Jenson's fault.

 

“Thank you. And you promise never to tease me about me getting drunk again?” reminded Seb.

Mark laughed.

“Can't now can I? At least you didn't threaten to put me over your shoulder.”

“You're too heavy. I'd never manage it.”

“I guess. Ah well. I think from now on we stick to much safer beer, no matter how enticing the offer.”

“And champagne. When we win,” added Seb.

Mark grinned to hear such confidence.

“Absolutely darling, and champagne when we win.”

He leaned up to give Sebastian another kiss, then Seb dropped down to lie with his head on Mark's shoulder and they both happily gazed up at the stars for a while feeling at peace.

 

“They're the same stars,” commented Seb quietly.

“Hm?”

“The same stars we see back home, or wherever we are.”

Mark turned to look at him.

“Yeah.”

“So when we're far away we can look at them and remember this,” suggested Sebastian.

“Ah, yes I see.”

Mark smiled and unconsciously stroked Seb's hair as he thought about what a comforting concept that was. One day not so long from now they would be far from here and far from each other, but they would still have this and all it would take would be to look up at these stars to know it was true.

 

Sebastian waited for Mark to return from looking up at the stars to giving his attention to him and lifted up to kiss Mark.

“So that bed we have?” suggested Seb.

Mark nodded and let Sebastian give him a hand to help him up, pausing only to grab up the cushion and shake of the sand off it and each other they went inside. They left the doors open so the breeze could blow in as they lay on the bed making the most of their last night.

 

 

Mark lay with Seb asleep in his arms and pulled the quilt over to cover them properly rather than get up to close the doors. Seb was breathing so steadily, his body curled in and his head dropped on Mark's chest with his arm loosely draped around him. Mark kissed the top of Sebastian's head and rested back on the pillows looking out. Through the sheer curtain he could see how bright the moon was, reflecting on the water. He could hear the sound of the waves washing up and down the beach, the soothing rhythmic noise sending Mark into a sound and untroubled sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to go on holiday now...


	64. Delayed Reaction

 

 

Seb and Mark were sat at the airport in Miami waiting for their connecting flight to Heathrow when the screen in the corner flickered and changed the details next to their flight to: DELAYED.

Sebastian patted Mark's arm and indicated upwards with his eyes.

Mark puffed out a frustrated breath.

“Damn.”

Neither of them were particularly happy to be ending their holiday and they travelled too much for their work to find any thrill in the journey. If they had to go home then they wanted to get there as fast as possible.

“Shall we go and ask?” suggested Seb.

“Hmm, I suppose.”

 

They gathered up their belongings and found the information desk where a beleaguered looking young assistant sat fending off inquiries as politely as possible. Mark and Sebastian obediently waited their turn before asking.

“I'm really very sorry, I don't have any more information other than it's a delay, approximately four hours. That could change though, we'll put out an announcement if so.”

“So it could be less?” tried Sebastian optimistically.

Mark huffed a dry little laugh, thinking that the opposite was more likely.

“I just couldn't say sir. I'm sorry. I'm afraid I don't have any more information.”

Mark nodded. He wondered how many times she had said that phrase in the last ten minutes, he wouldn't want her job for all the world.

“Okay,” accepted Mark resignedly. “We're in the lounge, so...”

“Oh well there's free drinks, and the information will be on the screens, or I'll be here if I can help,” she offered perkily.

They smiled politely and nodded before walking away to settle in for the duration.

 

Having collected a couple of drinks they resumed their seats. Sebastian dropped his head on Mark's shoulder and sighed out, making Mark laugh at how tragic Seb sounded. He put down his coffee and tipped his head towards Sebastian.

“Can't be helped.”

Seb nodded against him.

“I know, hmmm, just, I can't help thinking we could have had this time on the beach instead.”

“Yeah. Ah well. Maybe you'll be right and it will be less than four hours,” suggested Mark, mostly trying to convince himself.

“Yeah, hopefully,” agreed Sebastian.

 

 

 

 

 

Four hours later they returned to the desk to find the girl once more under siege. They stood in line waiting their turn, Seb leaning up against Mark until they reached the front, already feeling disheartened.

“I take it this means there's no update?” asked Mark.

The girl gave him a slightly strained professional smile.

“There is an update, but I'm afraid it's not too wonderful. The delay is due to a flash strike by France's Air Traffic Control and it's causing a whole heap of knock-on problems. I'm really sorry, but your flight has lost it's slot over here,” she explained.

Mark shook his head.

“How does that work, how does a strike in France affect our flight? It's direct to Heathrow, it shouldn't go through French airspace.”

The girl shrugged helplessly and Mark wanted to snap at her, but it wasn't her fault if she didn't know the finer details of how global airspace inter-connected to affect them.

“Never mind. Okay,” Mark sighed heavily. “Any idea how long till we're back in business?”

“There's an estimate of another four hours, but that's just an estimate. I'm afraid I don't have more information than that.”

Sebastian could see that Mark didn't look too happy, so he thanked the girl and distracted Mark by suggesting that they find some food to keep themselves busy.

 

Time had meant nothing on the island, now it meant too much. It was early evening, they should be half-way home, or better still watching the sunset on their verandah, but there was nothing for it but to re-take their seats and wait. Sebastian looked at Mark and shrugged at him, gaining a little smile and a sigh in return as Mark put his arm around Seb's shoulder and let him lean in to relax.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Four hours later the word: DELAYED still taunted them on the information screen. Seb had been dozing on and off as he leant up against Mark, but as Mark moved he sat up and turned to look at him somewhat blearily.

“You stay here sweetheart, I'm going to see what the verdict is.”

Sebastian simply nodded and rubbed his face trying to wake himself up a bit. Mark walked back to the desk and found the by now tired looking girl.

“Any news?”

She pulled an awkward face.

“I'm really sorry.”

Mark nodded. What could you do?

 

 

“No news. Think we're here for the duration.”

“Oh.” Sebastian sighed. “Do you want a drink or anything?”

“Hmm, yeah okay. Coffee thanks.”

Sebastian consulted his watch.

“Do you really want coffee? Won't it keep you awake?”

Mark pulled a face.

“Can't sleep in these chairs anyway,” he explained.

Sebastian felt slightly guilty for resting on him when Mark must be tired as well.

“Can I help? You could lean on me,” Seb offered.

Mark smiled, thinking how sweet Seb was, but it wouldn't help, he'd accepted the fact he wasn't going to get any rest until they got on their flight.

“Nah that's okay. These stupid long limbs aren't designed for this kind of thing. I'll be alright.”

“'kay.”

 

Seb gave him a little kiss on the cheek before getting up to fetch them some drinks. Mark sipped his coffee for a while and pulled out his book again. Sebastian put down his bottle of water and looked at Mark, not wanting to ask.

Mark smiled and offered out his arm to pull Seb in. Sebastian hooked his feet up to curl on chair sideways and moved in against Mark. He looked up at Mark for a moment.

“Sorry.”

Mark gave a slight shake of his head.

“Not your fault. Just have a rest, it's fine.”

Seb rested his head on Mark's shoulder and found a comfortable enough position to stay propped against him.

“Thank you Liebling,” he whispered.

 

 

 

 

 

Several hours later Mark sat alternating staring at the information screen with staring at the same page of the book he had been failing to read for the past half hour. Seb was sleeping against him, tucked under Mark's arm. He could feel Seb steadily breathing in and out, and although Mark was tired, the motion was comforting. His eyes felt heavy and dry but closing them didn't seem to help, so Mark had given up trying to get a nap.

Rest of any sort seemed unlikely now as an infant on the other side of the room had started howling and the noise went right through him even though it mysteriously seemed to have no effect on Seb. Mark wanted to glare at the mother who was jigging the child up and down as she walked about, but as she turned to retrace her steps Mark saw how shattered she looked and he felt guilty for thinking ill of her when she was clearly having a far more miserable time than he was.

Mark shifted carefully forwards, dropping his book down and trying to pick up his coffee mug without waking Sebastian, but as he did so Seb mumbled and twitched before jerking upwards, clearly confused as to where he was. Mark turned and put his hands on Seb's arms to steady him.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Hmmm?”

Sebastian stared at Mark and blinked. _Mark_. There was Mark, where were they again?

“I'm gonna go see what the score is, okay?”

Mark let go of Sebastian as he woke up properly.

“Oh, umm, yeah. Shall I come?”

Mark gave a dismissive shake of his head and drank a slug of his remaining cold coffee before setting off.

 

 

 

As he approached the British Airways desk he could see the same girl sat there. Even from a distance he could see that she was looking distinctly less perky now, but that was hardly surprising given that it was now twelve hours since they had first spoken. Mark was busily wondering what kind of shifts they made them work here, when he heard the man already stood at the desk raising his voice.

“That is _fucking_ ridiculous. It's a disgrace. What kind of outfit is this? I've paid an arm and a leg for this bloody flight and I think it might've been quicker to walk.”

Mark sighed and shook his head. He'd been all prepared to be pretty pissed off himself, but seeing this guy being so obnoxious woke Mark up to how unreasonable people could be. As Mark got closer the man was getting louder and louder.

“And you, you're fucking _useless_ ,” he yelled. “Where's your manager? I want to speak to the organ grinder not the monkey!”

Mark set his jaw and picked up his step to reach the desk. As he neared the desk Mark saw how taut the girl's face was and realised that she was close to tears.

“She's not here. I'm sorry. This is the night-shift now. There's just me...”

Her voice wobbled, but the man only leaned further forwards at the girl.

“Complete _fucking_ joke!”

Mark stepped into the man's line of view next to the desk.

“Hey!”

He looked at the man firmly and the other traveller looked confused.

“What?”

“Leave it out. It's not her fault is it?”

“What's it got to do with you?” he bit back.

“We're all in the same boat. What do you expect her to do, fly the plane herself? Don't be a dick.”

The man huffed.

“Who are you, her bloody boyfriend?”

 

He glowered at Mark, but Mark looked unmoved and the stranger huffed again before turning on his heel and stalking off. Mark sighed and shook his head, then looked at the assistant who swallowed and took a sip of water before speaking.

“Thank you,” offered the girl gratefully.

Mark shrugged.

“Are you alright?” he checked.

She nodded.

“Yeah, sorry. He was just the last in a long line tonight, sorry. I'm fine. Thank you. You're very kind. What's your name?”

Mark suddenly felt awkward.

“Oh, umm...”

“Sorry, that sounded like I was hitting on you. I wasn't.” She gave Mark a little confidential smile. “I sorta presumed that was your boyfriend you were with.”

Mark relaxed and smiled.

“It is. Unfortunately he's rather better at sleeping in these places than me. Anyway, sorry, I came out here to see how we're looking. I'm guessing not good.”

She reluctantly shook her head.

“It's all over the place. It turns out the French came back off strike, but failed to tell anyone, so that wasted another couple of hours. They're starting to clear things up but...”

“You don't have a time for me?”

“No. I really am sorry.”

Mark shrugged again.

“Not your fault. How long have you been on, surely your shift should be over by now?”

The girl pulled a face.

“If there are delays we have to stay,” she explained.

“Oh right. That sucks. Poor you. Okay, well, till we meet again,” Mark looked at her name badge, “Anita.”

The girl smiled.

“Till then, oh what is your name, if you don't mind?”

“It's Mark,” he offered.

“Thank you Mark. And the sleeping boyfriend?”

“Seb.”

“He's cute.”

Mark laughed.

“I know. Okay, good luck Anita. I hope we _all_ get to leave soon. Till then, roll with the punches.”

 

Mark walked away and the girl shook her head to herself, _why_ were the best ones always gay?

 

 

 

Mark sat himself back down by Seb and simply shook his head.

“Was there a queue?” asked Sebastian, thinking Mark had been a while.

“Oh, no, just some arsehole giving the poor kid on the desk a hard time,” explained Mark.

Sebastian regarded him for a second before guessing.

“Did you tell him to shut up?”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“How did you..?”

“Because you would. Because you're you.”

Seb leant over and kissed him on the cheek, thinking Mark was such a good guy and he didn't even realise how unusual he was.

“I got you another coffee and a water too, cos I wasn't sure which,” noted Sebastian.

“Oh, thanks. Yeah anyway, long story short; more waiting.”

Sebastian nodded.

“The U.S. grand prix is in November, do you think I'd be better off heading straight to Austin?”

He snuck a smile and Mark laughed.

“Yeah mate, might be best. Ahh, pfffff,” he puffed with frustration and Seb smiled sympathetically and rubbed Mark's arm.

 

Mark picked up his coffee and drank some thinking that at least it was hot, then put it back down to pull Seb in. As he did so, Mark noticed a middle-aged couple watching them from the other side of the room. The woman looked disapproving and whispered something to her husband who shook his head disparagingly. Mark looked directly at them and pulled Seb tighter, daring them to say something. Seb turned his head up on Mark's shoulder to look at him.

“My hero defending the maiden,” he teased, patting Mark's knee.

Mark's attention was drawn back and he scrunched his face a little.

“Nah, I just did what anyone would.”

“No Liebling, they don't.”

Seb left his hand on Mark's knee and rested his head down on his shoulder again. It might be a pain being stuck here but he was with Mark. If it was a choice between being back in paradise on his own and cramped up here waiting interminably with Mark, then Seb wouldn't hesitate.

 

 

 

 

 

Two hours later they trudged onboard their plane, tiredly handing over tickets to the air stewardess at the door. She read the names and smiled before directing them to the left. They took a few steps before Mark paused and turned back.

“We're business class, I think this is wrong.”

She shook her head.

“No you've been upgraded. Jennie will show you to your seats.”

Another immaculate stewardess appeared and directed them into the first class cabin, pointing out their seats that were more like little individual pods.

Mark looked at Sebastian and shrugged.

“I guess because of the delay?”

 

The stewardess returned and talked them through everything on offer.

“Would you like some champagne?”

They had taken their seats feeling slightly odd to be separated with only a little open panel between each individual area.

“Oh um, no I'm good. Seb?”

Seb shook his head.

“I just want to sleep thanks.”

He looked up at the woman.

“Do you mind me asking why we got upgraded. Was it the delay?”

The stewardess smiled and looked around to check no one was too close before leaning in and speaking.

“Oh no, we had a request from the ground to see if there was a possibility to do them a favour,” she glanced at Mark. “Let's just say manners cost nothing but they should be rewarded.”

Sebastian sat up properly to grin through the divide at Mark who looked slightly embarrassed.

“I just hope the guy's not on this flight,” Mark admitted.

The stewardess smiled enigmatically.

“Ah, I believe he still has to wait a while longer for his flight home unfortunately. He'll get to Heathrow safe and sound in time of course.”

She spoke a little more quietly, but her smile broadened.

“Although I have a nasty feeling that tragically his luggage may be in the cargo-hold of a plane bound for Bolivia. Still, these things happen. Not that you heard it from me naturally.”

“Naturally,” smiled Sebastian.

“Now then, if you're tired shall we make up these seats into beds for you?” she offered.

 

 

 

An hour later Mark propped himself up from his seat/bed and decided that it was no good, it didn't matter that he could actually stretch out flat and was perfectly comfortable, he had too much caffeine in his system to sleep. Seb had been right, he shouldn't have drunk all that coffee. Mark looked across the little divide and saw that of course Sebastian was sleeping like a baby. He sighed. It was very kind to have ungraded them, but like this he was too far away from Seb. If only he could have Sebastian curled up with him then Mark thought he might be able to relax enough to drop off. He was getting a headache now.

Mark rubbed his face in annoyance and pushed the button to raise his seat up, deciding to find a film to watch. If nothing else it would numb his brain for a bit. He found something suitably untaxing and pulled on his headphones, watching Seb sleeping for a while before pressing play. Just a few more hours and they would finally be home and he could hopefully persuade Seb to crawl into bed with him whatever the time was so he could hold onto him until Mark felt human again.

 

 

 

As the plane headed in over the last portion of the Atlantic, Sebastian woke and after taking a few moments to work out where he was, sat up to be greeted by the stewardess.

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Oh umm, yeah thanks.”

Seb ruffled a hand through his hair and ridded himself of his covers to sort out sitting up properly. He looked over at Mark who was sat slumped sideways in his seat, his headphones slightly askew, not looking very comfortable, but fast asleep.

Jennie reappeared and bobbed down with his tea. Noticing where his attention was, she spoke.

“He said he couldn't sleep but he dropped off about an hour ago. I wondered whether to wake him so he could lie down properly but I thought he might not appreciate it.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“No he probably wouldn't have I'm afraid, best to leave him. Thank you for the tea.”

“Of course. Would you like anything to eat, you've missed all your meals?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'm good thanks. How long till we land?”

“An hour or so.”

She paused, clearly considering whether to say something.

“I hope you don't mind, but we finally worked out who you are.”

“Oh, umm, right,” stumbled Seb, wondering if they were who she thought they were, it would be pretty embarrassing if they weren't.

The stewardess smiled.

“I'd have thought formula one drivers _always_ flew First?”

“Ah. Oh well, we're not really like that. Mark and I anyway,” shrugged Seb.

“No,” she nodded, thinking how down to earth and polite they were.

The stewardess glanced at Mark again, remembering what she'd heard about how Mark had intervened for the desk assistant. Clearly they were nothing like what you read in the papers.

“He's a keeper,” she smiled.

Seb looked at Mark and a soft smile spread across his face.

“I know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

They finally unlocked their front door and dragged their cases into the hall seconds before the dogs piled in on them. Mark and Sebastian both crouched down and rubbed their fur, gratefully returning their welcoming affection.

“Daft things, did you think you'd never see us again?” greeted Mark.

Seb grinned and looked directly at Shadow.

“Did your Auntie Pauline look after you alright?”

He shook his head at himself, realising he had picked up Mark's habit of speaking to the dogs as if expecting an answer and as Shadow attempted to lick his face, Seb finally stood up to escape their ministrations.

Sebastian stretched out as he stood.

“Do you want a cup of tea?”

Mark joined him standing.

“Better see if there's anything in.”

 

They walked into the kitchen accompanied by the still over-excited dogs and Mark checked in the fridge; Fresh milk, fresh bread on the side, a note from Pauline saying she'd come over when Mark had texted to let her know they were delayed, and she'd pop by tomorrow if she didn't hear anything, as she'd seen on the news that there was air-traffic chaos, signing off with a joke that if they were reading this then they were obviously back anyway and she hoped they'd had a good time while they were away.

Mark smiled and thought again what a diamond she was. He pulled out his phone and texted thanks and let her know they were back so she needn't come the next day, while Sebastian made them some tea.

“Do you want something to eat?” enquired Seb.

Mark put down his mug on the side and stretched his stiff neck from side to side.

“Nah. I just want a lie down to be honest, I'm knackered.”

Sebastian nodded, seeing how tired Mark looked. It was only just half past eight in the evening here and barely dark out, but his own head was very confused as to what time it was and what they ought to be doing.

“Why don't you go up and I'll feed the dogs, join you in a minute?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark nodded gratefully and walked out into the hallway gathering up his bags to lug them upstairs.

“Seb, don't forget to bring your bag up, we'll break our necks if you leave it there,” Mark called from the stairs.

 

He walked into the bedroom and looked at their bed thinking he had never been happier to see it in his life, shoved his bag into a corner and fell face first into the covers.

 

 

A few minutes later Sebastian stood in the doorway and smiled.

“I'm going to use the bathroom.”

Mark mumbled something into the duvet Seb couldn't make out, so he ignored it and wasn't surprised to find Mark in precisely the same position when he returned. Sitting on the bed next to him Sebastian gave Mark's shoulder a little shake.

“Are you asleep already?” Seb teased.

“Yes,” mumbled Mark.

Sebastian smiled.

“Come on Liebling, let's get sorted and you can sleep properly.”

“I'm dead. I can't move,” moaned Mark.

Seb hoisted Mark up and helped him undress before doing the same himself and pulling the duvet over them both.

Mark dropped his head back on the pillow and thought that this was the best bed in the world, the most wonderful duvet, the most perfect Seb by his side. He wanted to stay just like this for a week to recover.

Sebastian shifted himself up closer and lay on his side pressed into Mark, his cheek against the top of Mark's arm, and slid his hand over Mark's stomach.

“Okay?” checked Seb.

“Mm, I am now.” Mark sighed. “You think I'd get better at travelling, but I hate it. I've no idea what time it's supposed to be.”

“It doesn't matter. Just try to get some rest.”

“Hmm, think I've been playing chicken with my bodyclock for too long, it's having its revenge,” muttered Mark darkly.

Sebastian stroked his hand over Mark's skin and raised his head to look at him.

“Anything I can do to help? You know, anything at all?”

Mark cracked a smile.

“Very sweet of you to offer darling, but I just want to sleep.”

Seb nodded and kissed Mark's shoulder.

“Okay.”

 

Just sleep then. More than fine by Sebastian. It was so nice to be with Mark properly like this when it felt as if they had been parted for far too long.

Mark turned and moved his arm to slip it under Sebastian and squeezed him tight with his other arm wrapped around as well.

“I missed you on the flight.”

Sebastian now lay face to face with Mark, their bodies pressed together all the way down, their noses touching. He smiled and turned his head slightly so their faces were squashed together too.

“Me too Liebling,” Sebastian whispered.

 

After a while Mark lay back, pulling Seb with him. Seb shuffled slightly lower so he could rest his head on Mark's shoulder and Mark tipped his head against Sebastian's before letting out the longest sigh.

 

 

Forty minutes later Mark was still awake. His head was fried but he still couldn't sleep, probably because he was now over-tired. Mark let out another long sigh. Seb was asleep again. How the hell was Seb asleep when he'd slept on the plane and at the bloody airport? It wasn't fair. Mark had his eyes closed, trying to force sleep to come, but it only made him focus on the fact his head hurt. He felt Seb's breath against his skin and opened his eyes to look at him; Seb's tousled blonde head tucked in against him, his long eyelashes fluttering ever so slightly, his lips parted as he breathed regularly in and out.

Urgh, it wasn't fair that he was _still_ awake, but at least he had his Seb with him like this. Mark stroked his hand down Sebastian's soft warm skin and concentrated on breathing in time with him to try to relax. He really, really needed some sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning Mark woke, unsure as to how much sleep he had actually got. As he sat up a little on the pillows he felt slightly woozy and his head was pounding. Sebastian sat up by his side and looked at him.

“You did get some rest didn't you?” Seb checked.

“Mm, some. Got a headache though,” he admitted.

Sebastian nodded and reached over to stroke Mark's hair.

“I'll get you some paracetamol,” offered Seb, and Mark nodded thanks, in no mood to protest.

 

 

 

 

They spent the morning quietly, both still a little out of it, Mark tired and headachy, Seb feeling strangely out of time from over-sleep. Luckily it wasn't as if they had anything they needed to do until they had to go and retrieve Fabian from the airport tomorrow. Sebastian was about to suggest stirring themselves from the kitchen table where they had lingered over breakfast for more than an hour and going out to get some fresh air walking the dogs, when Mark's phone beeped and he stood to fetch it from the side. Mark leant back on the counter and read the text, his face falling into a confused frown.

“Who is it?” enquired Sebastian.

“DC.”

Sebastian stood up and dumped their mugs by the sink before going over to join Mark.

“What's he saying?” asked Seb.

Mark shook his head, still frowning, and showed Sebastian the message.

DAVID: 'Looks like you had a good hol ;)'

 

Sebastian copied Mark's expression of confusion, but then Mark's face fell and his body language sagged.

“Fuck.”

Sebastian looked at him confusedly.

“What?”

Mark was shaking his head and pushing buttons on his phone to search on the internet. It only took a few seconds before he found exactly what he feared.

“Shit fuck bollocks.”

 

Sebastian moved in closer to look at what Mark had found on his phone; A newspaper's online site, gossip pages, pictures. Pictures of them on holiday.

 

“Oh Mark,” sighed Seb sadly.

Mark's face set as he scrolled through the photographs; The two of them on the beach, Mark rubbing sunscreen into Seb's skin as he lay down; Sebastian doing the same for Mark; the two of them sat together kissing, Mark's hand resting on the back of Sebastian's head, Seb holding onto Mark's arm as they pressed in; Seb lying half on Mark's chest as they sunbathed.

A jokey little headline ran about F1 lovers having a racy time on holiday and Mark felt his blood boiling. Their holiday wasn't a joke, it was important, it had meant everything to them.

“Fuck, fuck, _fuck!_ ”

Mark's voice was getting louder and Sebastian instinctively took a step backwards, feeling near to tears.

“How? How did they get these? There wasn't anyone. We'd have seen,” tried Seb.

 

Mark dumped down the phone on the counter angrily. He wanted to sling it across the room. Un-fucking-believable. How could they do this to them? How could the papers so casually intrude on such private moments between them? He felt sick.

Mark sighed out heavily as he realised.

“There were _boats_. Out at sea, I remember. They were far out, but...”

“Long lenses,” finished Sebastian quietly.

He swallowed hard and moved into Mark, pressing into his body, resting his face down on Mark's chest and wrapping his arms around his back as he stood there not moving.

 

Sebastian took a levelling breath. He couldn't let the papers do this. They couldn't steal their lovely holiday away from them. They _couldn't_. Seb forced himself to push down his feelings of distress and try to find a way to deal with it rationally.

He picked up Mark's phone and steeled himself to look at the pictures again. They rang a bell and Sebastian realised that they had all been taken in quick succession as he vaguely remembered when that must have been. His shoulders looked a bit pink in these photos, definitely early in the holiday. He took a deep breath and looked at the date on the publication. Only today? But these photos had been taken over a week ago. He wondered abstractly why they had waited. It must just be coincidence that it was when they got back, maybe the photographer had only just returned himself?

Seb stared at the photos. Why would people do that? How could they steal those moments? He couldn't allow their happiness be soiled by the paper's intrusion. They looked so happy in these pictures. They had been happy. So happy. Him and Mark together as they should be. Why was that always a joke to the media? How could they be so heartless?

 

Sebastian tried to find a positive to calm Mark.

He shrugged up at him.

“At least they're nice photos.”

Mark looked at Seb in astonishment.

“Nice?”

“We look happy.”

Mark's face opened up in amazement. How could Seb sound so calm?

“How can you say that?”

Sebastian tipped his head slightly.

“Don't let them do this Mark. Don't let them spoil our holiday. We were happy. Don't let them ruin it,” he tried.

Mark stepped away and threw up his hands in frustration.

“I don't understand how you can be so calm. Why aren't you upset?”

“I am upset. I'm not saying it's good. I just, I...”

Seb shook his head and put the phone down by Mark. He looked up at him appealingly.

“Please Mark. Don't be angry.”

Mark stretched out his fingers trying to push out the anger he felt running all through his body. He could hardly speak, so Mark just shook his head.

 

“Don't let them get to you,” tried Seb again.

Mark huffed out in frustration.

“Bitte, Liebling.”

Mark closed his eyes and tried to suppress the rage he felt at the press prying into their privacy, all the tiredness that still weighed on him, the way his head throbbed painfully.

Sebastian reached out to put a hand on Mark's arm but he was getting nothing back.

“Mark?”

Mark sighed and opened his eyes. He turned and shoved the phone across the counter to get it away from them.

 

“You're tired,” tried Seb.

Mark huffed out a breath. Yes he was tired. He was bloody tired. Too bloody tired.

“Why don't you go lie back down?” proposed Sebastian.

“I don't want to lie down,” argued Mark.

 

Seb was looking at him like there was something wrong with him. Mark couldn't understand why Seb wasn't more upset, more angry. He didn't want to lie down. He wanted to go to the offices of the newspaper, find whoever was responsible for this and rip their head off. He wanted to scream at them and ask them how they could be so callous. Sell a few more papers or gain a few more hits on their website by sharing someone's most private moments with the world to pick over and analyse, to guess what was going on in their relationship, or laugh at, or criticise. How could people do that and not care how those affected felt?

 

Sebastian sighed and shook his head, realising he wasn't reaching Mark right now. He took a pace back from him, deciding the best thing would be to get some fresh air to help him feel better.

“I'm going to take the dogs out,” stated Sebastian.

Mark shook his head but he couldn't think what to say.

 

Sebastian stepped away and picked up the leashes, calling the dogs to go out with him. Mark was tired, too tired to talk reasonably. He needed space when he got like this, so Seb thought the best thing was to give it to him. Hopefully Mark would have a rest and calm down and then they could talk, maybe call Britta and see if there was anything they could do about this latest horrible press intrusion.

 

 

 

Seb walked along the lane and turned up the path, letting the dogs off their leads to run ahead. He got to the top and looked out at the view where they always sat on the bench. Being there Seb felt suddenly overwhelmed with the wish that Mark was with him and he promptly burst into tears, unsure as to whether it was because of the latest horrible newspaper intrusion, because Mark had been angry, or just the fact that he wasn't there by his side that upset Seb the most. The dogs came racing over to Sebastian and pushed their noses into his legs to get Seb's attention.

“He's just cross that's all boys. He gets like this when he's tired. It'll be alright. We'll be alright,” he sniffed.

Seb roughly pushed away the tears and looked out at the view trying to take comfort from the constancy of the countryside in front of him and the dogs who were affectionately rubbing up into him. He stroked their fur and looked at them.

“We'll be alright. We won't let them do this to us.”

He took a shuddery breath, trying to pull himself together. They had to be alright. His brother was coming tomorrow and they couldn't have a horrible atmosphere between him and Mark when Fabain got here. They couldn't really fall out over this. Mark wasn't angry with him, he was just over-tired and mad at the press. They'd be okay. They _had_ to be okay.

 

 

 

 

Mark went out into the hallway wondering if he should go after Seb or not. As he walked over to the front door distractedly thinking about it, Mark stubbed his toe as he nearly fell over Sebastian's case that was lying there.

Seb's bloody case. Mark had asked him to move it and he hadn't. Seb always dumped his stuff right there just inside the hall and Mark always asked him to shift it and he never bloody did. Every bloody time. Christ his toe hurt. Mark hopped over to sit on the stairs and pulled his sock off to look at his toe wondering if it might be broken. He bent it and reasoned that it probably wasn't. It was just a bit red and sore, but otherwise normal; long and a little hairy, his toenails needed cutting.

Mark puffed out a long breath and put his sock back on before picking up Sebastian's bag and dragging it upstairs. He'd brought his own damn bag up last night even though he'd been completely exhausted and Seb just hadn't bothered even though he'd had plenty of sleep. It wasn't fair.

 

 

He hauled the case into their bedroom, opened Sebastian's wardrobe door and roughly chucked the suitcase in to the bottom, letting out a little of his frustration by the action. As the case landed it banged into Sebastian's race bag that was already lying there and the bag toppled out onto the carpet, the side pocket popping open and something falling out onto the floor.

Mark was about to shove the smaller bag back in alongside when he spotted what had fallen out. A piece of paper, no, an envelope, a piece of paper slipping partially out of it. Mark knelt down and picked up the envelope, going to put it back into the bag when something caught his eye and he stopped. His own handwriting was on the envelope.

Mark stared at it.

_'Seb, open before the race.'_

 

Mark frowned for a moment and then it hit him. He did write this. He remembered.

He remembered amusing himself by sneaking back into Seb's room in the motorhome to leave the note there and how he had made sure that Seb would see it in time so he would read it the next morning. How he had hoped the little surprise would cheer Sebastian up at just the right moment and put him in a good frame of mind for the race. How he had walked with Sebastian in the paddock, joking and teasing together and all the while Mark was thinking of the message he had secretly left for him.

Mark thought about how he'd watched Sebastian in qualifying that day from the garage and had wished him on. How worried he had been by the bad weather messing things up and how relieved he had been when Seb had done well. How he had sat afterwards in the motorhome waiting for Sebastian to come back from finishing up with the team when the idea had struck him and he had spent the time writing the note with paper borrowed from one of the offices, trying to come up with the right words. Mark thought how pleased with himself he had been as they walked out to go home and how he had wanted to link his arm into Seb's to make them closer. He'd been so happy when Seb had come home the next day after the race and admitted he had been touched by the gesture, but they had both been too trapped in themselves as they failed to express how they really felt.

It was all such a very long time ago.

 

Mark looked at the piece of paper peeking out of the envelope and wondered if it was wrong to look, if it was prying into Sebastian's privacy. Surely not if the letter was one he had written?

Very carefully Mark pulled out the piece of paper and opened it out, wanting to be reminded what it was that he had written. As he unfolded it Mark saw how worn the paper was, how faded the ink. The creases in the paper were so frayed that at the cross-fold there was a hole and the paper itself was soft, almost like fabric. Mark held it as delicately as possible and looked at the words he had written.

_'Never give up._

_I won't give up on you either.'_

 

Mark shook his head and thought he might as well just have written 'I love you'. It was so obvious looking at this. How hadn't Seb worked it out?

Mark noticed that he hadn't signed it. Probably best, he'd probably have forgotten himself and signed off; 'Love Mark' and that might have rather given the game away. He'd been certain that Seb would know who it was from anyway.

 

Mark sighed and closed his eyes for a moment before looking back at the letter. It was so worn. The envelope was too, the edges all rubbed and the flap loose. That must be why the note inside had fallen out he reasoned, but it wasn't destroyed, it was still clean and carefully kept nice.

Mark felt a lump in his throat as he thought about it. Seb kept this in his race bag, Mark's note with him whenever he raced. The paper was so eroded because it had been held in Sebastian's hands time after time, very carefully unfolded, read and then meticulously re-folded and placed back in the envelope and back in Seb's bag. Over and over. For all this time. More than a year now, long before they were together, Mark had given Seb this letter and Seb had kept it. He hadn't just kept it, he had treasured it, _loved it._

Mark wondered if Sebastian had found comfort in it when he was at races far away and he as had sat reading Mark's words, if he had somehow understood what Mark was really saying to him long before he could say it out-loud. Seb kept the note still, there in his race bag, always with him, always close, so Mark was always close, because he loved him.

 

Tears were streaming down Mark's face as he thought about what it all meant, what it showed. Sebastian loved him and he loved Seb. They had done for so long now, far longer than they had realised. He loved Sebastian so much that it was a part of him, as vital as oxygen. So much so that being almost a foot away from Sebastian on the flight had been too much a separation for Mark, leaving him unsettled and unable to sleep.

Mark took a deep breath and pushed away the wetness on his face, drying his hands on his jeans so as not to damage the letter. He painstakingly re-folded it to put it in the envelope, replacing it in the pocket of Sebastian's race bag and putting the bag back on the wardrobe floor.

 

As he closed the cupboard door Mark pushed himself up, but he only got as far as the bed before dropping down on it, his head falling to his chest as Mark thought about how he had shouted at Sebastian just now, how angry and completely unreasonable he had been. Poor Seb, he'd done nothing wrong and Mark had snapped at him and been thoroughly objectionable.

He'd been upset by the papers but he'd taken it out on Sebastian just because he hadn't reacted in the same way. Mark hadn't listened to Sebastian at all, he'd let himself fill up with rage and rather than pulling together, he had pushed Seb away. Sebastian had felt he needed to get away from him and Mark was suddenly racked with guilt and concern that his show of anger might have frightened Seb. He didn't want to be that person. He wasn't that person was he? He couldn't be that person.

 

Mark started sobbing, his body bent double as he heaved.

“I'm sorry,” he gasped to no one.

There was no one here because he had made Seb leave. He'd made Seb leave, oh god, what had he done? Seb had taken the dogs with him. He hadn't done that to make himself feel safe had he? Mark thought he might throw up.

He forced himself up and made his way to the bathroom to splash water onto his face until he had pulled himself back together a bit. He had to see Seb and know he was alright. He had to find him and apologise to try to make things right and if Seb wanted him to go away again Mark thought he would just say sorry and leave him alone, but he really had to see him.

Mark stood up and couldn't look at himself in the mirror before heading down, pulling on trainers and shoving keys in his pocket. He walked out of the drive and then started running. He sprinted up the hill, not thinking about where he was going, only that he had to find Sebastian as soon as possible. Mark knew where Seb would be.

 

 

 

On reaching the top of the hill Mark stopped, wondering if Sebastian wouldn't want to see him. He had no idea what to say and Mark considered whether he ought to warn Seb that he was approaching so he could tell him to go away if he didn't want to see him. Before Mark had time to quite work out what to do the dogs realised he was there and ran over to him barking.

As Sebastian turned around to look, Mark saw straight away that he had been crying and felt like the worst kind of scum for doing that to him. He took a few steps closer so that he could speak without having to raise his voice to Seb, but hovered at the edge of the bench, stood there as Sebastian turned to look up at him, neither speaking for a moment.

 

“Seb, I'm so so sorry. I'm a complete arse. I'm sorry.”

Sebastian shook his head and Mark thought he might crack.

“Seb I'm really sorry. I just wanted to say that and if you want me to fuck off and leave you alone I will,” he offered in a pained voice.

Seb tipped his head to one side and reached out a hand to Mark, pulling him to sit next to him. He didn't let go of Mark's hand as he looked at his face.

“Mark, you've been crying?”

“So have you.”

Mark's face crumpled.

“I made you cry. Oh Seb. I'm a total shit. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

 

Mark's head dipped forwards as he felt the weight of guilt at upsetting Sebastian, but Seb put his spare hand at the side of Mark's face and lifted it back up.

“It's okay.”

Mark looked at him and shook his head.

“No it's not. I'm a complete arsehole for shouting at you.”

“Mark you didn't shout at me.”

“I raised my voice.”

“Not _at_ me. I know you weren't angry at me. You weren't were you?”

“No of course not. Of course not darling. Never. I'd never be angry with you.”

 

They sent their arms around one another and held on tight for a minute before pulling apart slightly, both overwhelmed with relief and neither wanting to let go now that they were reunited.

“I was just angry at the papers, not you,” explained Mark.

“I know. I _am_ angry too Mark. I just don't want to let them spoil our holiday. I don't want to think of how we were in those moments in any way other than we were happy then.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. You were being reasonable and I was being an arse and not listening. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let it make me so angry,” he excused.

Seb shook his head.

“You're allowed to be angry Mark. It's horrible that they did this. I hate it too.”

“Of course you do. I know. I wasn't thinking straight,” Mark admitted.

“You're tired and cranky, it's okay,” allowed Sebastian.

Mark looked at him carefully.

“Is it?”

He paused before asking, almost afraid to hear the answer.

“I didn't... I didn't scare you did I? I made you cry, I hate that. I don't want to be that person.”

“You're not. You didn't scare me, you could never do that Mark. It's okay Liebling. I promise.”

“You're sure?” checked Mark anxiously.

“Yes. I was just upset by all of it. I didn't want there to be a problem between us, and Fabian's coming tomorrow and...” Sebastian shrugged. “I knew you just needed a bit of space and we'd be okay, it was just upsetting that's all. Stupid papers.”

Mark managed a smile.

“Stupid papers,” he agreed and leant in to give Sebastian a kiss.

 

Seb sat back and lifted a hand to gently run a knuckle under Mark's eyes.

“You were upset too, it just came out different. We're different that's all. It's okay.”

“Yeah,” sighed Mark.

He puffed out a long breath.

“You're right, we can't let them get to us, we can't let them spoil our holiday.”

“We are okay aren't we?” checked Sebastian.

“Course we are sweetheart, we're fine,” reassured Mark.

 

Mark pulled Seb back in for a squeeze, far more concerned with the fact that they should be alright than anything the press could do. Mark knew Seb was right, of course he was, if they let the papers cause problems between them and spoil their memories then they were letting them win. A few stupid pictures didn't matter compared to the fact that might fall out over it. They couldn't allow the media to create a wedge between them. This was all that really mattered; him and Seb together and that they were okay.

Sebastian closed his eyes and rested his head down against him, feeling oddly reassured to know that Mark had been upset too and that he had understood why Mark had reacted in the way that he had. He stayed pressed into Mark, reassured as he always was by the feeling of Mark being physically next to him. Seb tipped his head up to kiss Mark for long enough for them both to forget they had any troubles that had upset them. When they finally moved apart they turned to face forwards, Mark lifted his arm so that he could put it over Sebastian's shoulder and Seb kept both his arms wrapped around Mark's middle as he rested his head down on his shoulder and they sat that way for a long while, looking out at the view in silence as they restored themselves.

 

 

 

“I'm going to call Britta and ask her to make a complaint,” offered Seb quietly. “I know it's the ordinary press, not the paddock, but still...”

Mark nodded slightly.

“Yeah. She's probably already on the case knowing Britta.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Probably.”

 

Mark gave Seb's upper arm a little rub with his hand.

“You want to head back?”

Sebastian sat up.

“Sure. Come on boys, let's go home,” Seb beckoned to the dogs sat at their feet.

They stood up and turned back, Mark returning his arm to rest around Seb and Sebastian keeping an arm about Mark's waist so they stayed locked together as they walked.

“Maybe we should have a lie down or something so you can catch up on some rest?” suggested Sebastian.

“Yeah maybe mate.”

“Or a nice bath. Does that sound good?”

Mark looked down at Sebastian and grinned.

“As long as it's with you,” Mark insisted.

Seb smiled back.

“Course.”

Mark kissed the Seb's temple.

“I only feel right with you. That's why I couldn't sleep on the plane, you were too far away,” he admitted.

“Me too.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“You were asleep.”

Seb pouted.

“Still didn't feel right. I'd rather sleep all cramped up on those chairs at the airport with you then be apart in first class.”

“At least you _could_ sleep at the airport.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“You don't need to be sorry. Not your fault I've got a stupid long body and can't get comfortable in those places.”

“Okay, well we'll have a nice warm bath and then perhaps we can see what I can think of to help you relax?” proposed Sebastian, giving Mark a suggestive smile.

“Blimey, there's an offer,” laughed Mark.

“Mmm.”

Mark gave him a squeeze.

“Think I might forget how tired I am.”

“Well that would be more than okay. Maybe we should make the most of having the house to ourselves?”

 

Mark laughed, thinking that was an excellent idea. He would have increased their pace to get back faster with such an incentive, but he wasn't quite up to it.

Sebastian looked down.

“Mark are you limping?”

“Hm? Oh I kind of fell over your bag in the hall,” Mark explained.

Sebastian stopped and looked at him.

“Oh Mark, sorry. I meant to move it. Damn, are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just banged my toe, don't think it'll fall off or anything,” joked Mark.

Sebastian huffed a sympathetic little laugh.

 

“Sorry. I forgot to take it up. I'm always doing that, sorry. I'm always so happy to be home I forget everything else the minute I'm through the door,” Seb excused.

Mark shook his head.

“It doesn't matter.”

He started them walking again. Mark couldn't think why he'd been so annoyed by something as petty as Seb's bag being left in the way, he should have looked where he was going rather than huffing about in a bad mood.

“You're not really hurt are you?”

“Nah, it just reminded me I need to cut my toenails.”

Sebastian dissolved into laughter.

“Oh my god. Mark you say the most romantic things.”

Mark grinned.

“I'm very romantic. I write you romantic notes and everything.”

Seb frowned, wondering what Mark meant.

“I accidentally found the note I wrote you last year at Silverstone. It fell out of your bag when I took your case up. I didn't mean to pry,” confessed Mark.

“Oh. Oh no that's okay, course you weren't, you wrote it, how could you be prying?” allowed Seb.

“Yeah well anyway...”

“I love that note. I read it before races to help set me up, it's lovely. It meant so much to me, it still does.”

Sebastian looked up a little coyly.

“I always like to have it with me.”

 

Mark nodded and smiled at Seb thinking that he would have to write him another note for when Sebastian had to go away to races on his own in the autumn. Maybe he could sneak it into Seb's bag along with the other one and then he'd find it before the race. Mark decided he'd definitely do that. He had a month to work out what to say. It would have to be a much longer letter this time if he told Seb all the things he wanted to say to him. Or maybe he should just write what he really wanted to last time;

Dear Seb, I love you. Mark  x

 

He didn't really need to write anything else, because nothing else mattered.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an aside, apparently there really was a strike by French air traffic control years ago where they came back and forgot to tell anyone, thus causing hours more of complete chaos in the world's skies. Kinda funny, unless you're someone affected by those delays in which case it's infuriating. I don't love airports as perhaps you can tell.


	65. Last Days of Summer

 

 

Sebastian frowned as he stared at the information screen above them.

“Where is he? I'm sure those people coming out must have been on his flight, it landed ages ago.”

Mark smiled and put an arm around Seb to give him a brief squeeze.

“Stop fretting. I'm sure he'll be along soon. They might be from another flight,” pacified Mark.

Sebastian nodded. He didn't know why he was worrying, even his little brother surely couldn't get lost between getting off the plane and the main hallway at Heathrow. They definitely couldn't have missed him because they'd checked and re-checked that they were at the correct terminal and they had been stood watching every arrival come through the door for the last hour.

 

They continued to study every person coming in their direction until Seb's phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to check. He pressed the open button and read the message, then turned to Mark who was still watching the passing crowd keeping his eyes open for Fabian.

“Britta.”

“Uh huh.”

Mark didn't push, as the press was still a rather touchy matter for both of them after yesterday, but Sebastian carried on.

“She says she's had confirmation.”

“Okay, well that's good then isn't it?”

“Yeah. Yeah I just want to forget all about it now,” insisted Sebastian.

Mark nodded agreement.

“Yeah me too. Okay well let's just pretend it never happened, alright?”

 

Seb nodded back. Denial was their best bet in this case. When they had returned to the house yesterday after their disturbance Seb had found his phone to call Britta, only to find a couple of missed calls and a text from her already waiting. Just as Mark had predicted, Britta had of course been on the case from the instant she saw the pictures had been printed. When Sebastian rang her back she had to inform him that unfortunately they had been widely distributed, but she was already in the process of making official complaints about invasion of privacy with each publication. When Seb recounted this afterwards, Mark had commented that they shouldn't be in the least surprised that Britta was so thorough. Seb hadn't wanted to ask, but he'd felt compelled to check whether she thought there might be more pictures that had been taken. Consequently Britta had spent the afternoon cajoling and threatening her way though all her press contacts until she could call him back at the end of the day to let them know that as far as she could tell the few that had been printed were the only ones that existed.

Britta had also been able to tell Sebastian that she had heard an unconfirmed story that the only reason the photographs had been taken was because there had been a film star holidaying on the other side of the island and the paparazzi photographer had hired a boat to circle the coast looking for the actress and her latest boyfriend and had only happened to spot Sebastian and Mark. To their misfortune he had recognised the pair of them and snatched the opportunity to grab a few snaps to make a little extra money.

This morning Britta had done a little more digging and finally been rewarded with confirmation of the story. It was at least mildly reassuring to know that they hadn't been specifically targeted and both Seb and Mark were relieved to hear that they didn't need to worry about more moments from their holiday being shared with the world. It didn't really make it any better that it had happened at all, but they consoled themselves with the fact that at least it wasn't worse.

 

Sebastian was busy thinking about all this and determinedly pushing his concerns away when Mark drew his attention back by patting his arm and indicated over to the doorway.

“Fabian!”

Seb waved at his little brother struggling over with his case, a backpack, and a bottle of water that he had wedged under his arm. Mark grinned and shook his head thinking that young Fabian hadn't quite mastered the art of travelling light yet.

“Come on,” encouraged Mark, and the two of them hurried over to meet him.

The moment Fabian spotted Mark and Seb his face lit up and he tried to wave back, promptly dropping his bottle and ending up dumping his backpack on the floor as he attempted to sort himself out.

 

“Alright there Fabe?” greeted Mark, trying not to laugh at him.

“Oh um, yeah. Good thanks. Wow, you two look tanned!”

“Thanks. Made it in one piece then?” teased Seb.

 

Fabian abandoned his things on the tiled floor and enthusiastically hugged first his brother and then Mark, more relieved than he cared to admit to see them at last. He had spent the past month assuring his family that he was completely fine to travel alone, but the practice had been rather more stressful than in theory. Fabian had never flown on his own before and although his parents had seen him off at the other end, as soon as he had passed through security and left them behind, Fabian had felt rather nervous, repeatedly checking his printed tickets and passport, watching the information screens avidly and carefully listening to every announcement in case it was something important about his flight. He'd bought himself a bottle of water to take onboard, only to realise that it wouldn't fit in his carry-on bag, but a stubborn part of himself refused to abandon it even when he didn't have a free hand to hold it. Fabian had almost sprinted to the gate when called, only to then confusingly have to wait what seemed like hours before they were allowed to board.

Once on the plane Fabian had been sure that the stewardesses were keeping an eye on him, even though he had refused his mother's attempts to have him put down with the airline as needing babysitting, insisting that he wasn't a little kid. He would never admit it to his parents or even his older brother and Mark, but the truth was Fabian had been reassured to know the staff were looking out for him a bit anyway. When they had landed a stewardess had come over to help him retrieve his bag from the overhead locker and double-checked that Fabian knew what to do once he got off. He had been both privately glad that she had cared enough to ask and slightly embarrassed that such a good-looking woman had spoken to him as if he was a little boy when he was taller than she was.

Once he had got off the plane Fabian had simply followed the herd along anonymous corridors, fumbling in his bag trying to simultaneously hang on to his water and dig out his passport ready to show the gimlet-eyed security officer at passport control. The man stared at his picture and Fabian had been left wondering why he instantly felt like a criminal despite having done nothing wrong. Then when he had got to the huge conveyor-belts that their luggage was circulating around on Fabian had been at a complete loss.

 

“I couldn't see my bag,” explained Fabian. “They all look the same and I didn't want to take the wrong one so I waited till the rest were gone.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and shook his head at his little brother and Mark laughed. So that was why Fabian had taken so long.

Mark smiled at Fabian and placed a hand on his arm.

“Trick is to make yours stand out mate; Put something bright on it so you'll spot it,” he advised.

“Oh good idea. Yeah okay, next time I guess.”

“Yeah, anyway, you're here now. Let's go shall we?” suggested Sebastian.

 

Mark took Fabian's case and Seb hooked up his backpack so Fabian could walk unimpeded as they headed back to their car.

“Why do security make you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong?” wondered Fabian as they made their way along.

“Years of training,” joked Mark. “Don't worry Fabe, they do it to everyone, you get used to it.”

“Mm,” agreed Sebastian. “Anyway we're glad you made it past them, there's a couple of dogs at home who are dying to meet you.”

“Are they?” beamed Fabian.

“Yeah mate,” concurred Mark. “They're very excited.”

“Great. Me too,” agreed Fabian.

Mark smiled to himself, resisting the urge to ruffle Fabian's hair. The dogs weren't the only ones to be excited, Seb's little brother was practically bouncing down the corridor between the two of them. A couple of days with Fabe and he suspected the animals would be worn out, possibly him and Sebastian too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Okay, so this is Shadow,” introduced Sebastian, crouched on the kitchen floor by the two dogs, “and this is Simba.”

He gave each dog a rub in turn, indicating which was which to his brother who was also ducked down on the floor, looking each animal in the eye.

“Hello Shadow. Hello Simba.”

Fabian picked up the paw of each animal and gave it a little shake and Mark stood silently laughing a little way over, looking at the dogs trying to indicate to them that they should just go with it. He was sure that they were looking back at him wondering what on earth this boy was doing.

“Right, cup of tea Fabe?” offered Mark.

Fabian turned.

“Oh yeah, thanks.”

Sebastian was still on the floor with the dogs.

“This is my brother Fabian, he'll be staying here for a few days, so don't eat him.”

“Hey,” complained Fabian.

Sebastian looked back at him innocently.

“I told them _not_ to eat you. You should be honoured.”

“Hmm,” allowed Fabian suspiciously.

“You're _very_ honoured Fabe,” insisted Mark from over by where he was boiling the kettle. “Anyone who isn't family is lunch to these two.”

“Except Pauline,” added Sebastian as he stood up, leaving his brother now sat on the floor stroking the dogs and letting them sniff him.

“Who's Pauline?”

“Our housekeeper. I've told you before,” reminded Seb.

“Have you? Right yeah I suppose. She doesn't live here though?”

Seb shook his head.

“She lives in the village,” explained Sebastian. “She just comes over on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

“The house'd be a tip otherwise,” continued Mark, while pouring hot water into the teapot, “Pauline keeps this place going and looks after everything when we're away.”

“She's great, so make sure you're on your best behaviour when you see her,” advised Seb.

“Course,” agreed Fabian. “Urgh!”

 

Fabian pulled away from the dogs who had decided to see what he tasted like and looked up at his brother and Mark who were stood leaning on the counter together laughing at him.

“Oh yeah, shoulda warned you,” admitted Sebastian. “They won't eat you, but the dogs may try to lick you to death, so you need to keep your eyes open.”

“It means they like you,” assured Mark. “Now then, tea. Then we'll sort you out and show you round.”

He offered up a mug and they went to sit at the table, the dogs continuing to investigate their new visitor while the three of them chatted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They showed Fabian his room over on the far side of the house, pointing out that he had his own little shower-room at the end of the corridor by him. Thinking about it, Mark couldn't remember the shower ever being used and he nearly drenched his arm turning it on to check that it actually worked, much to the amusement of the two Vettels looking on. Mark and Sebastian left Fabian to sort out his belongings and settle in before deciding to take the dogs out for a walk.

 

Once off the lane they let the dogs off their leashes as usual and the dogs bounded up the path towards the top. Fabian bounded off equally energetically in their wake and Mark grinned as he slipped his hand into Sebastian's to follow at a far more sedate pace.

“My god, I don't know where he gets the energy,” Mark commented.

Seb shook his head.

“Me neither. I feel tired just looking at him. Were we ever that young?”

“You still are,” laughed Mark.

“Hardly. You know I'm sure I wasn't like that,” lamented Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“I suspect you used up your energy racing.”

“Yeah, true. You don't think he can get lost do you?”

“Not unless he finds a way to scramble down the other side,” assured Mark.

 

The far side of the hill beyond the peak was much steeper and no one was likely to wander that way by mistake, but even so they increased their pace to catch Fabian up. They found him already at the top, chucking sticks for the dogs who were chasing them down, clearly having a whale of time with their young visitor.

Seb and Mark sat down, Mark casually resting his arm on the back of the bench around Sebastian by his side. They happily let Fabian get on with his game until he finally came over to join them.

“This where you always walk them then?” enquired Fabian.

“Yeah generally. We sometimes go over the fields a bit too, depends how long we've got,” noted Sebastian.

“Then what?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Do this. Sit around, throw sticks for them, head back.”

Fabian pulled a face.

“You just sit here?”

“We like sitting here,” justified Mark.

“It's nice, peaceful. Look at the view, isn't it pretty round here?” pressed Sebastian.

Fabian shrugged.

“I guess.”

Personally Fabian couldn't see much attraction in sitting around on a bench looking at countryside all day.

Mark shook his head with mock sadness.

“I fear you're going to find us very boring Fabe. Us old folk don't get up to much.”

“Hm, you're not _that_ old.”

Mark chuckled.

“Hear that Seb, we're not _that_ old. Aren't you flattered?”

“Highly. Anyway, I hope you won't be bored cos we've not got much planned. We thought we'd go somewhere for lunch tomorrow and I told you about that climbing wall we know...”

“Yeah that sounds good,” interrupted Fabian.

“Mm, but we'll have to do that Tuesday because I have to go into the factory on Monday, and I'm not sure how long I'll be,” explained Sebastian.

“I thought we could see if there's a bike in the garage you can ride and if the weather's alright you and I can go out?” suggested Mark.

 

Fabian nodded, wanting to fit in with whatever was planned. They sat there a while longer, Fabian trying not to let on that he was in fact getting a little bored, stroking the dogs as they sat with them, then returning to his game of fetch when the dogs presented him with a stick and looked up expectantly.

Seb and Mark stayed sat on the bench and let Fabian get on with it.

“I think we're old news now,” observed Mark, seeing how keen the dogs were on their guest.

 

 

 

 

They killed as much time as possible before heading back to the house and making a start on dinner. Fabian sat with his new best friends at the kitchen table while Seb gave Mark a hand. Fabian watched the two of them as they worked together, passing things over without even speaking half the time. He thought it was fairly obvious that when his brother had told him that his moving in with Mark had really been a formality, that meant that he must have been pretty much living here anyway. Seb certainly acted as though he was very much at home.

As he was presented with a large plate of stir-fry food Fabian happily tucked in, finishing his meal far quicker than his hosts. He distracted himself with the dogs for a while but eventually tired of it and sat wondering if he should ask something he had been wanting to, or if he should stick with the polite conversation that had dominated so far. They'd rung yesterday to warn them that photographs of them on holiday had been published and they'd seemed okay over the phone, but Fabian wanted to be sure. Fabian took a sip of his drink and decided to go for it, hoping that it wouldn't upset them to mention it.

“Um, so those pictures that were in the papers,” Fabian started tentatively.

Mark sent him a look and Fabian felt guilty for mentioning it, but his brother placed a hand on Mark's arm.

“It's fine.”

“Fine?” checked Fabian.

“Well obviously not, _fine_ , but it's sorted. Britta's kicked off at them and there aren't going to be any more, so, well of course we're pretty pissed off about it, but...”

Seb shrugged, indicating that they were helpless to do anything other than deal with it and move on.

“There's no point crying over spilt milk,” added Mark calmly.

 

Sebastian and Mark glanced at one another, reminding themselves of their agreement to not allow the matter to get to them.

“To be honest Fabe,” sighed Seb, “we've had far worse, so in the scheme of things... I don't know, we just want to forget about it.”

“Right. Sorry.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's okay, don't worry about it.”

“Okay,” agreed Fabian.

He noticed the way that his brother rubbed a thumb over Mark's arm as his hand rested there, and suspected that he wasn't hearing the full story. Obviously they weren't really fine with the pictures being printed, but they didn't seem too upset and in comparison to how he had seen his brother in recent months, Fabian knew that was a big improvement. He definitely wasn't going to bring it up again.

 

“Anyway,” Mark changed the subject. “You can have film choice tonight Fabian, seeing as you're our guest.”

“Oh yeah okay. Are we watching in English or German?” wondered Fabian.

Mark smiled. “Well seeing as I'm outnumbered, I guess German.”

“Why don't you go look Fabe, and we'll sort the washing up and come join you in a bit?” offered Sebastian.

“Okay,” agreed Fabian.

He headed off into the lounge to peruse their DVD collection, leaving Mark and Sebastian alone in the kitchen.

“Alright?” checked Seb.

“Yeah, sure.” Mark shrugged. “He's allowed to ask isn't he? You know he worries about you.”

Seb nodded. It seemed a topsy-turvy world in which his little brother was the one to worry about him, but what could you do?

“Come on then, let's sort this and see what your brother has selected for us,” proposed Mark.

 

 

Sebastian agreed and they set about washing up and tidying away, the dogs abandoning them to find Fabian in the lounge. By the time Mark and Seb joined him, the dogs were happily ensconced on the sofa with Fabian.

“Ah, no. Hmm. Think they've found a soft touch,” noted Mark.

“ _Off_ ,” he instructed in a firm voice and the dogs jumped down onto the floor.

“Sorry,” apologised Fabian.

“No worries,” allowed Mark.

“Just can't have them getting in bad habits,” explained Seb. “They're not allowed on the sofas or upstairs. They need to know the rules so they behave when we're away, that's all.”

“Oh okay.”

“It's no problem. Right then Fabe, what have you picked for us?” asked Mark.

“Toy Story 2.”

“Righto, good call,” nodded Mark.

He smiled to himself at the fact that apparently Fabian had decided that they weren't kids' films any more. More than fine by him and Seb. Fabian put the DVD in the player and took the chair to the side, presuming that was his spot, leaving the sofa for Mark and Sebastian to curl up as usual with the dogs happy enough to be sat by their feet in-between them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As Sebastian climbed into bed that night he reflected that things were going fairly well so far. Fabian had got here without too much trouble, which their mother had been particularly relieved to hear when he had texted her while Mark drove them home and Fabian seemed amused by the dogs which hopefully would keep him busy for the next few days.

Mark came back through from the bathroom and paused as he shut the door.

“So are we locking it?” he checked.

Seb sat up slightly.

“Mm, I think so,” he confirmed.

“Righto.”

 

Mark turned the little central button on the door knob that locked the door, thinking to himself that he wasn't sure if he had ever done so before. He gave the door handle a turn just to check and established that it was indeed locked. He smiled at Sebastian and came over to undress and join him in bed.

“You know I'm still fairly sure your brother wouldn't simply stroll in.”

Sebastian scrunched his face up and Mark nodded acceptance.

“It's fine. Anyway he could sleepwalk for all we know,” continued Mark.

Seb sighed a little as he moved down in the bed next to Mark.

“Yeah, I'm pretty sure he doesn't, but...”

“Better safe than sorry,” agreed Mark.

He smiled at Sebastian and gave him a little kiss as the settled in together.

 

“At least he got here alright,” assured Mark, knowing that Seb had been worrying this morning.

“Eventually. Think it's a good job he'll be with us going to Spa.”

“Yeah, all got to learn though, haven't we?”

“Mm. You will look after him when we're there won't you? Don't go letting him wander off in the paddock,” warned Seb.

“As if I would?”

Mark reached over and turned off the bedside light before shuffling back down by Sebastian.

“I'll keep a very close eye on him, alright?”

“Yeah. Thank you. I know you will.”

Seb leaned in and gave Mark a kiss, then sighed and relaxed by him as Mark pulled Seb closer.

“It's just a bit strange being in charge of him. I know he's not a little kid any more, but I think the last time I had to look after Fabian on my own, I took him to the park to play on the swings,” recalled Sebastian.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“And that was only last year,” he joked.

“Funny. No, I think it must be nearly ten years ago. Ahh, I missed so much of him growing up,” complained Sebastian.

“Well you see more of him now don't you?”

“Yeah, I know. Things are far better than they used to be. I'm so much happier with everything these days,” confirmed Sebastian, thinking how vastly improved his relationship with his family was in little more than a year and how much of that was down to Mark.

“Everything apart from the papers, obviously,” Seb added.

“Yeah well let's forget that now darling, okay?”

“Yeah,” sighed Sebastian slowly.

Just a few days more that he could ignore the media until he got to Spa.

“No point worrying about it,” intuited Mark. “It's still the break. No worrying about anything.”

 

Mark was gently stroking up and down Seb's side, enjoying the feeling of his skin at the same time soothing Sebastian.

“Okay?” he checked.

“Mm,” agreed Sebastian.

“Good.”

Mark leaned back in and started kissing Seb more deeply, knowing that it was the surest way for both of them to forget everything else. With Sebastian's arm slid around him and their bodies pressed close, Mark began to lose himself to the sensation as he always did, starting to move slightly against Seb, but Sebastian pulled away.

“Seb?”

Sebastian frowned in the darkness. He knew he was probably being silly, but it didn't feel right.

“Do you mind if we don't?”

“Oh?”

“I just feel weird about it with Fabe here,” explained Sebastian.

Mark ran a hand down Seb's arm.

“He's all the way on the other side of the house.”

“What if he hears us?”

“We could be quiet,” tried Mark.

 

There was a pause and somehow Mark knew that Sebastian was giving him a dubious look even though he could hardly make out his face in this low light.

“No? Okay,” agreed Mark.

Seb moved back in closer.

“You're sure?”

Mark smiled and pressed a chaste kiss to Seb's lips.

“Of course darling. It's fine. If you're not comfortable then it would be no good anyway. Okay?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Seb felt himself relax properly and knew it was ridiculous to have felt strange to say it. He knew Mark would never push him and it wouldn't be a problem. He also knew that his brother was many rooms over beyond their locked door and after his busy day was doubtless fast asleep, but even so he felt weird about having sex in the circumstances. Mark was right; if he wasn't comfortable it wouldn't be as it should and he had promised Mark never to do anything he wasn't comfortable with.

“Thank you Liebling,” consoled Sebastian.

“You don't need to thank me sweetheart. It's just how it is.”

Mark slipped his arm fully under Seb and made sure that they were lying properly pressed into one another, thinking that it was a good job that Seb had said something before they allowed themselves to get carried away, or it would have taken rather more self-control on his part to calm things back down.

“This is all I need,” Mark reassured. “I just need you, that's all. Then I'm happy.”

 

In the darkness Sebastian smiled and kissed Mark on the lips, taking his time over it.

“Me too. You're all I need,” concurred Sebastian.

“Good then.”

Mark lay on his back and kept his arm around Seb so they could comfortably settle down with Sebastian lying his head on Mark's chest, giving him a grateful squeeze.

Mark kissed Sebastian's temple and reconciled himself to the idea that he was simply going to have to go without sex for a while. It wasn't as if they had been deprived of late so he could hardly complain. Mark had meant what he said; when it came down to it, all he really needed to be content was to hold Seb close like this and know that he was happy. Far, far, better this than them sleep together and Seb not to admit he didn't really want to. Mark hated that idea. It was much better this way.

“Besides,” continued Mark. “I suspect we're going to need our energy if we're to keep up with Fabian for the next few days.”

Sebastian laughed softly against him.

“Yeah, probably.”

He turned his head and kissed Mark's chest before closing his eyes and simply enjoying the feeling of lying with him. Seb thinking he was still glad that their door was locked as he wouldn't want to have to give up being so close with Mark, even if they might be giving up having more than this for a while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb woke in the morning feeling nicely warm and rested. He turned on his side to look at Mark and saw that he was still fast asleep. Sebastian very lightly ran a finger across Mark's jaw, thinking how nice the stubble felt and how he'd quite like to kiss it right now. Seb restrained himself from actually doing so as he didn't want to wake Mark when he was still catching up from all the sleep he had lost coming back from their holiday. It was light out but Sebastian suspected it was still early so he rolled over and checked the time on his phone; only 6.23am. Dropping back into position Seb shuffled himself closer to Mark without disturbing him and re-closed his eyes for another moment.

 

He woke up some time later to see Mark looking at him.

“Hello,” greeted Mark softly.

“Hey.”

Mark leant in and gave him a kiss and Seb sighed into it, feeling Mark's hand slide over his waist to pull them close. They were both getting nicely involved in the moment when there was a knock on the door and Sebastian jumped, having almost completely forgotten there was anyone else in the house.

 

Seb pushed himself up.

“Fabe?”

Fabian's voice came through the door.

“Umm, hey. Are you awake?”

Mark snorted a little laugh and gave Seb a look to say it would be pretty odd if Sebastian had answered in his sleep.

“Hang on,” delayed Sebastian, climbing out of bed and finding some underwear and a t-shirt to pull on, lobbing the same at Mark who mistimed sitting up and got a face full of clothes.

Sebastian was busily pulling his t-shirt on when he looked at Mark who had made no such similar effort.

“Come on,” Seb demanded in a quiet voice.

Mark rolled his eyes but did as he was told, muttering loud enough only for Sebastian to hear.

“See this is why people with kids never have any sex.”

“ _Shh_ ,” chided Sebastian, trying not to laugh.

 

He waited until Mark was decently attired before straightening his face and unlocking the door to meet his brother who stood on the landing dressed in pyjamas and a hoody.

“What?”

“Nothing. I was just checking if you were up. Is there any breakfast? I'm starving.”

Fabian peered around the half open door.

“Morning Mark.”

“Morning Fabe,” grinned Mark, giving him a little wave from where he sat on the edge of the bed.

Seb brought his brother's attention back.

“There's stuff in the kitchen. Help yourself.”

“Aren't you coming down?” Fabian asked, sounding slightly put out.

“Just give us a minute, okay?”

“Mm, okay,” agreed Fabian, starting to walk off.

“We'll be down in a moment,” placated Sebastian.

 

He watched his brother head downstairs before turning around, almost surprised to see Mark stood by his side. He leant in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“We'd better go and look after him,” Mark suggested.

“I guess,” relented Sebastian.

He already knew they weren't about to resume where they had left off before being interrupted and he did feel a little guilty about being rather unwelcoming to his brother. Seb went to find some tracksuit bottoms to pull on as Mark looked over from where he was doing the same.

“Pretty poor hosts if he has to scavenge for himself,” Mark noted.

“Hm, spose.”

“And he's your brother, so he's probably setting fire to some food already,” teased Mark.

“Oi!”

But Seb couldn't help a grin sneaking on to his face and they hurried down to make sure that Fabian hadn't attempted anything more ambitious than toast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The three of them took their seats at a table in the corner of the family friendly pub in the countryside that Seb and Mark had frequently passed on their route to the supermarket. The idea had been that they would sit out at one of the many tables in the large beer garden to the side, but unfortunately as just as they had set off the skies had opened and it was currently pouring with rain, which Seb explained to his brother was his chance to experience a British summer.

A teenage girl came by and distributed menus and left them to look through them after pointing out the blackboard near the bar that listed the Sunday roasts they specialised in.

“Can I have a drink?” asked Fabian optimistically.

“Hm? Sure,” allowed Mark.

Sebastian caught Mark's eye and shook his head at his little brother.

“You can have a soft drink.”

Fabian frowned.

“Can't I have a _drink_ drink?”

“No,” replied Sebastian firmly.

“Why not?”

“Because you're sixteen.”

“You can have a drink with a meal at fourteen over here. I looked it up.”

Mark coughed with laughter.

“How very studious of you,” teased Mark, trying not to undermine Sebastian's stance.

Fabian looked hopefully at Mark but he shook his head slightly.

“We're not having a drink either,” assured Mark.

“Hmm.”

 

Fabian thought about arguing his case, but his brother had gone back to looking at the menu, clearly considering the matter closed. Mark had an amused look on his face, but obviously wasn't about side with him, so Fabian gave up, not wanting to get on the wrong side of them.

“Okay, so what's the most English thing I can eat?” wondered Fabian, changing the subject.

Mark glanced over at the blackboard.

“A roast, beef I suppose,” he suggested.

Fabian put the menu down and peered over.

“Okay I'll have that. What is yorkshire pudding? Is that dessert?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“No, it's... well it's sort of a batter thing. It's hard to explain. You'll just have to try it.”

Fabian shrugged and nodded.

“I'll have that.”

“Righto.”

 

The waitress returned to take their orders.

“One roast beef, one chicken, and Seb?”

“I'll have the salmon.”

“And to drink?”

Both Mark and Seb looked at Fabian who was tempted to ask for something else, but in the end meekly opted for a coke while the other two requested water.

Mark smiled and gave Fabian a little pat on the arm.

“See I told you we were old and boring. You'll get used to it.”

“Yeah cheer up Fabe, you can have something sugary and unhealthy for dessert and Mark and I will just have to watch you eat it,” contributed Sebastian.

 

 

 

 

 

Fabian finished his sticky toffee pudding, accompanied by attempts by both Mark and Sebastian to resolve his confusion around the difference to the yorkshire pudding he had eaten before, eventually giving up and going with; 'Just accept that English stuff doesn't always make sense'. Fabian decided he could live with that as long as someone told him which should come with gravy and which with ice-cream.

Once Seb and Mark had finished their coffee and they had paid the bill, they eventually went out to the car, only to find that the rain had been replaced with bright sunshine.

“Yeah, as I say Fabe, welcome to a British summer,” joked Sebastian.

 

They took a short cut through the pub garden towards the car-park, seeing that the tables and benches were drying fast now that the sun had come out, but as yet it seemed as though the occupants of the pub had failed to notice that the weather had improved and the place was deserted. At the far end of the garden there was a children's playground, most of which was still fairly soaked, but along the side there was a long zip-wire run, clearly aimed at older kids. Mark saw it and grinned at Sebastian.

“I dare you.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

Fabian realised what they were talking about and piped up.

“I'll do it,” he volunteered, running off to climb up onto the high wooden platform at one end, dragging the little rubber seat and cable with him.

Fabian hitched himself up onto the seat, pulling it as far back as it could go before looking over at Mark and his brother stood to the side.

“You watching?”

They nodded and stood to the side to see.

“Go on then Fabe, see how far you can go,” encouraged Mark.

 

Sebastian smiled, thinking it was funny how one minute his little brother was trying to be a grown-up and persuade them to give him an alcoholic drink, and the next he was showing off in the playground, but that was teenagers for you. Maybe he had been like that once, Seb couldn't remember. His own teenage years had seemed far more complicated and stressful.

Fabian launched himself off the top with a yell before hurtling along the run, perhaps thirty metres to the near the end before shrieking and dropping off onto the ground, landing in a heap on the grass below. Mark and Seb raced over to check that he was unhurt, only to find Fabian already picking himself up and brushing off somewhat damp jeans.

“I nearly got to the end. I'm gonna have another go,” he insisted enthusiastically.

“Do you want a push?” offered Mark.

“Yeah, brilliant.”

Seb caught Mark's arm as his brother rushed back to the other end.

“If he breaks his leg...”

“By falling one metre onto soft grass?”

“Hmm, okay.”

Mark smiled and shook his head at how protective Seb was being over his little brother.

“I won't push him too hard,” he promised and gave Sebastian a reassuring kiss on the cheek before striding over to catch Fabian up.

 

Sebastian was stood to the side of the platform, still looking a little dubious.

“I think it's for kids,” he tried.

“Nah, it's very sturdy,” assured Mark, giving the cable a tug and finding plenty of resistance. “Reckon it'd take _us_.”

“Yeah you have to have a go,” insisted Fabian.

“No way.”

“You're pretty light Seb,” teased Mark, but Sebastian stood his ground and shook his head.

Mark shrugged.

“Right then Fabe, you ready?”

“Yep.”

Mark pulled the seat further back and gave Fabian a push off, sending him faster and further along the wire to the sounds of appreciative hollering until Fabian yelled out again as he ran out of momentum at the far end and dropped himself off to the ground before racing back for another go. After a few tries Fabian climbed up onto the platform and offered the dragged seat to Mark.

 

“Your go,” Fabian asserted.

Mark paused.

“Ah no, think I might be a bit old for this.”

“No go on, don't be boring. It's fun,” urged Fabian.

“I'm pretty heavy.”

“So you'll probably get all the way to the end. Go on. I dare you?” teased Fabian.

Mark saw Sebastian laughing at him from the ground and shrugged.

“Okay, but if this breaks I'm blaming you Fabe.”

“It won't break, it's really strong.”

Fabian pulled hard on the cable, only getting a slight bounce and handed it to Mark who climbed on and sank low down to the platform feeling fairly ridiculous. He looked at Sebastian who was obviously enjoying the sight immensely.

“Don't know why you're laughing mate, it's your turn next.”

Before Seb could answer Mark lifted his feet and shot off into the distance, racing down the wire so fast that when he reached the end he hit the limiter and rebounded half-way back again. He jumped off and grinned at Sebastian expectantly as he returned.

 

“It's fun,” Mark encouraged.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head but his brother was practically bouncing.

“Yeah come on Seb you do it, Mark did,” coaxed Fabian.

Sebastian sighed, but he was climbing up before he knew it.

Mark grinned at him as Seb hitched himself onto the seat and started to pull back.

“If I fall off...” started Sebastian.

“You won't,” reassured Mark. “Just hold on tight until you stop and then drop down. You must have been on one of these before?”

“Not that I can remember.”

So much of Sebastian's childhood had been taken up with racing in one form or another, he didn't recall spending a lot of it on adventure playgrounds.

Mark smiled more softly at him.

“Do you want me to catch you?” he offered.

Sebastian nodded and Mark jumped down to run to the far end.

“Wimp,” teased Fabian.

Seb stuck his tongue out at his little brother and pulled further back before launching himself off.

 

As soon as he was in the air Seb felt a familiar buzz of slight danger and barely controllable speed. He picked his feet up as Mark had to avoid skimming them along the floor and yelled at him to watch out as he hurtled in his direction.

Mark stood his ground as he saw Sebastian heading towards him. He had promised to catch Seb and that was what he intended to do, but Sebastian arrived far faster than Mark anticipated, banging into him as Mark tried to arrest his momentum. The energy knocked him over as Sebastian let go and the pair ended up a heap on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

 

At the far end Fabian stood watching from the platform, initially concerned that they had fallen over and then more suspiciously as the two of them seemed only too happy to have landed on top of one another and weren't rushing to get up. He coughed loudly but they ignored him.

After a few moments they calmed their laughter and Mark shook his head, looking up at Sebastian.

“This grass is damp.”

“Oh sorry.”

Seb pushed himself up before offering a hand to Mark to give him a pull. He retrieved the zip-wire seat and the two of them dragged it back to hand to Fabian.

 

Sebastian smiled at Mark as they stood watching Fabian take another run.

“Good job there's no one around.”

“Ha, yeah; 'F1 star arrested in children's playground',” teased Mark.

“ _Arrested_. Psh,” countered Seb, thinking that the publican ticking them off was the most likely hazard.

“Well maybe only if we break it,” conceded Mark.

Fabian had made his way back.

“Having another go?” he asked and Mark raised an eyebrow at Seb.

“Only if you catch me Liebling.”

“Always,” promised Mark, giving him another kiss on the cheek before leaping down to go and get in position.

Seb hopped on and looked at his brother.

“What?”

Fabian grinned and shrugged.

“Nichts, _Liebling_ ,” he teased, giving his brother a shove off before Sebastian could reply.

 

He watched Seb shoot down towards Mark who as promised made an attempt to catch him. They didn't quite end up on the grass this time, but they definitely took their time over letting go of one another. Fabian leaned against one of the platform's wooden pillars thinking that the two of them seemed closer than ever.

It was sweet really, Fabian suspected they didn't even notice the way that they hardly let go of each other if at all possible, either sitting too close or resting a hand on an arm, or making contact in some way, and they had been so cosily snuggled up watching the film last night. He could have sworn Seb had actually been unlocking the bedroom door this morning when he said hello. What on earth did they think he was going to do? Just walk in? Hardly. He didn't want to think too much about what they might be getting up to in bed, but he wasn't stupid. It was really obvious how into each other they were. It was nice seeing Seb finally looking really happy at last.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Later that afternoon the rain had resumed, putting an stop to their planned walk with the dogs, so Mark offered to see about finding a bike that might fit Fabian.

They stood in the garage as Mark and Seb sorted through the old bikes that had somehow accumulated over the years. Mark reflected that it was a perhaps good that he had never got around to selling them off as he always intended to.

“It's like a bicycle graveyard in here,” joked Sebastian over to his brother whose attention was elsewhere.

Fabian was ogling the occupant of the other half of the large double garage; Mark's gorgeous Porsche 911 that was carefully tucked away from the elements in here.

“I think I'd rather have this.”

Mark saw where Fabian was looking and laughed.

“Dream on buddy.”

He liked Seb's little brother, but no way was he letting a sixteen year old have a go a driving that little beauty. Mark saw Fabian's sad face and went over to give him a pat on the shoulder.

“We could have a run out in her at some point maybe?”

“Er, yes please. Is it new?”

Sebastian smiled proudly.

“That's Mark's reward from Porsche for winning Le Mans,” he informed his brother.

Fabian looked amazed.

“Wow!”

“Yeah, only reason I bothered mate,” joked Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“He doesn't mean it. Right Fabe, come and see if one of these might do.”

 

They got Fabian to try sitting on a couple of old bikes, but they were all far too high so Mark volunteered to adjust them and sent the other two indoors to make tea.

 

 

 

 

Fabian sat at the table petting the dogs while his brother fussed around boiling the kettle and getting mugs to make the tea.

“You and Mark, you're like really serious aren't you?” started Fabian.

Sebastian smiled.

“Like totally serious,” he teased.

“No I mean it,” tried Fabian.

Seb relented and sat down at the table with him.

“Yeah, we are. We're a done deal. We always were.”

“Always?”

“Well since we worked out that we were meant to be together, yeah.”

“And that was only New Year?”

Seb shrugged.

“I know that mustn't seem very long, but it feels far far longer and you know we've been friends much longer than that.”

Fabian nodded.

“Yeah I know.”

He stroked Shadow by his side, before looking back at his brother.

“You two have been through a lot I guess.”

“Yeah. Maybe that makes us stronger, you know, together? I dunno, it's hard to explain. Mark's my best friend, he's everything, he's my family.”

 

Seb saw the look on his brother's face and gave a shake of his head.

“No I know _you're_ family, but Mark is too, it's different, it's like we're tied to one another; When we're apart we're miserable, we waste all our money on phone calls. I can't sleep without Mark there and he's the same.” Sebastian shrugged. “We need each other, that's just how it is.”

“Do you think you'll always be with him then?”

Sebastian frowned.

“Of course I'll always be with him.”

Anything else was utterly inconceivable.

“Forever?”

“Yeah Fabe, that's how it is. I told you; Mark's family. Family is forever,” Sebastian insisted softly.

“And he feels the same?”

“Yes.”

Fabian nodded slowly. He couldn't imagine what that was like, just to _know_ without a shadow of doubt that you were meant to be with someone for the rest of your lives. His brother seemed completely unshakeable in his certainty.

“I guess that makes the rest of all that shit worthwhile?” offered Fabian.

Seb laughed. “Yeah, guess you could say that. We'd far rather we _didn't_ have all that shit to get through, but if that's the price Fabe, then yeah, it's worth it.”

 

The kettle boiled and Sebastian got up to make the tea. He left the pot brewing while he sat back down with his brother who was clearly thinking things over.

“Alright?”

“Yeah.” Fabian paused for a moment, then felt a rush of courage and asked. “What's it like?”

Sebastian frowned.

“What's what like?”

Fabian went a little pink, but dared saying it.

“Being with Mark. You know, like, sex.”

“Oh, right.”

Seb hardly knew what to say. That had come out of the blue. He mostly wanted to tell Fabian that it was hardly the kind of conversation he wanted to have with his little brother, but he sounded curious and it occurred to Sebastian that if only he'd had someone he trusted to talk to when he was younger he might not have got himself into the god-awful mess he had.

 

Sebastian puffed out a breath.

“Well, it's _good_ , you know? Ah it's hard to explain. I take it you've never?”

Fabian now went a brighter shade.

“Um, no. I, I don't even have a girlfriend. I mean I've kissed some girls at parties and stuff, but, no...”

Seb nodded. He'd presumed as much and was reassured to hear it. He didn't want his little brother rushing in and making anything like the mistakes he had in life.

 

“Well that's good. You're only sixteen Fabe, there's no hurry.”

Fabian shrugged awkwardly.

“There's boys at school who have. They're always going on about it.”

Seb raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah well I wouldn't pay much attention to them Fabe. Those that have the most to say usually have the least to talk about.”

His little brother frowned, so Sebastian spelt it out.

“They're _boasting_ Fabe. Silly little boys boasting cos they think it makes them sound impressive. If I were you I wouldn't believe a word of it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean are they friends of yours?”

Fabian shrugged again.

“No, my friends, well, they're like me.”

Seb nodded, glad to hear it.

“Good. Well as I say, I wouldn't trust these other lads as far as I could throw them. They're probably exaggerating and even if they're not, well, it's not very nice is it? I mean, how do you think the girls involved feel? Or boys?” Seb raised an eyebrow.

Fabian coughed.

“Um, definitely girls. When they talk about it anyway...”

“Yeah well, do you think they appreciate these boys boasting about what they've done if they've slept together? It's not very respectful is it?”

“No, I guess not.”

“So even if it's true, they can't really care about them.”

 

That thought hit home with Seb and he sighed and shook his head sadly.

“That's not how it should be Fabe. If you're with someone it should be because you care about them. If you sleep with someone you ought to love them, they ought to love you. That's really important. Anything else is just...” Sebastian gave a little shrug. “Mechanics. It doesn't mean anything. Or at least nothing good. It should _mean_ something.”

Fabian nodded, feeling slightly less embarrassed and reassured to hear how dismissive his older brother was of his classmates who made such a big deal of what they said they'd done. He didn't like them anyway. They were the same ones who had so much shitty stuff to say about his brother and Mark. Seb was probably right, they were doubtless lying through their teeth, and if they weren't, he felt sorry for the girls involved.

 

Sebastian got up and made them both a mug of tea and sat back down, passing one over.

“Look, if you want to know what it's like, all I can say is that it's completely different with Mark than it has been with anybody else, because he's the only person I've ever loved and I know he loves me, and that's...” Seb shrugged. “That's how it should be.”

“But it's good?” dared Fabian.

Seb took a sip of his tea and smiled.

“Yeah, it's pretty amazing since you ask, but that's because of how much we care about each other.”

Fabian nodded again. This was definitely a weird conversation to be having, but his brother was so nice about it, and he was the only person Fabian could imagine asking, even if it was a bit different seeing as Seb was gay, but surely it added up to the same thing?

 

Sebastian examined his brother.

“Are you asking me because there's someone you like?”

“Oh umm...”

Fabian was embarrassed again.

“I won't tell Mum and Dad.”

His brother paused.

“Or Stef and Mel,” promised Seb.

“Um, well there is a girl, but we're just friends, I don't even know if she likes me like that,” admitted Fabian.

“Oh really?” grinned Seb.

Fabian scrunched up his face and Sebastian felt bad for teasing him.

“Well that's great.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah Fabe. If she likes you enough to be friends that's a good start.”

“I suppose.”

“Well then, just be friends and see what happens. If you're friends you can find out if you have stuff in common, see if you like spending time together.”

Seb smiled and shrugged.

“Mark and I were just friends and look what happened.”

Fabian laughed a little, feeling relieved somehow that his brother was being positive and not making it sound so serious.

“Yeah, I was just thinking of seeing if she wanted to go see a film, not move in together.”

 

Sebastian laughed back. It was a good point. Technically he and Mark were a terrible example if he was trying to persuade his little brother not to rush into anything.

“Well Mark and I are a bit different and we're old as you know.”

“Mm.”

“Hey you're meant to disagree,” teased Seb.

“Oh right. Yes. No, you and Mark aren't old,” complied Fabian.

“Thank you. Anyway, what I mean is, I think it's good to be friends first and not worry too much about where it might be going.”

“Yeah.”

“Don't pay any attention to those guys at school Fabe. They either bullshitters or they're pretty nasty characters by the sound of it. Don't be like them, be better than them. I promise you the right girl will appreciate it.”

Fabian nodded.

“And don't get ahead of yourself, okay? I know you think you're all grown-up at sixteen...”

Fabian rolled his eyes.

“Yeah I know, I'm just a kid to you.”

Sebastian shook his head, thinking how maturely his brother had handled everything that happened in their family this past year.

“No, what I mean is, if you want to be a grown-up, _act_ like a grown-up. Those boys are acting like kids. Be a grown-up. Treat a girl with respect, don't rush anything. Understand if you really like each other, then it'll be better if you know for sure what you really want, both of you, okay? It shouldn't be something you feel pressure about or about trying to prove something. It should be something you both know is right, and if you don't then it isn't and one or both of you will wind up getting hurt.”

 

Fabian nodded. His brother sounded so serious all of a sudden. The way Seb was talking made it sound like he knew the difference only too well.

Seb and Mark so clearly thought the world of each other, but it had apparently been nothing like that with the person his brother had been with before. A part of him wanted to ask about it, but Fabian remembered how distraught Seb had been when he had come to talk to them about what had happened; Heikki had treated his brother so badly he'd had to leave his home in Switzerland to go and stay with Mark to get away from him. He'd carried on harassing Seb, stalked him, followed him to England and made things so unpleasant that Seb had to move back in with Mark until he felt okay again. The whole thing had left his brother needing therapy.

There was more there that his brother wasn't telling them, Fabian was sure of it. Seb had been so upset when he'd told them about it and needed Mark to be there for him. No wonder he loved him so much, it sounded as though Mark had always been there for his brother. Fabian was suddenly hugely glad that Seb was with Mark. He wasn't going to ask his brother about any of all that when it distressed him so horribly. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that Seb was okay now and he and Mark were happy.

Fabian looked at how set his brother's face was and worried what was running through his head. He pushed his mug out of the way and sat forwards from his chair to lean over to give Sebastian a hug, feeling his brother squeeze him back. There _was_ more there, he knew it, but he couldn't ask. Just as long as it was in the past, Fabian decided that the best thing was to leave it there.

 

Sitting back, Sebastian gave his brother a half-smile.

“You know I've made some pretty crappy decisions in my own life in the past. I'm probably not the person to be giving advice,” he admitted.

Fabian shook his head.

“Maybe that makes you the best person to give advice?”

Seb huffed a dry little laugh. His brother was so smart, he desperately wanted to protect him from all the mistakes he had made growing up. Seb wanted to do do whatever he could to help.

“You can always talk to me you know, about whatever, school, your friends, girls,” Seb gave a wry smile, “even if I'm not exactly an expert on them.”

Fabian shrugged.

“I think it's all the same really isn't it?”

“I'm sure there's some pretty fundamental differences in the detail, but in essence, yeah.”

“Okay, thanks. I think you definitely know more about it than those idiots at school.”

“Well I'm your big brother aren't I? I've got to be useful for something,” smiled Sebastian.

 

Fabian nodded thanks and drank some more of his tea thinking his brother was actually pretty incredible, even if he was nothing like the brothers any of his schoolmates had. He might have troubles, but none of his friends got to hang out in the heart of the action at a grand prix. Or with someone as cool as Mark who won Le Mans and then casually kept his super-car prize stowed away with his bikes in the garage at home. Fabian was pretty sure none of them sat around discussing actual proper grown-up stuff with their brothers either. He was very lucky really, Seb was right, it made the price of all the rest of that shit worth it.

“We should probably take Mark his tea,” suggested Fabian.

“Yeah we should. He's working away while we're just nattering. Let's go see if he's fixed up a bike for you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark and Fabian set down their bikes and retrieved water bottles to sit on the grass bank and recover for a moment. Mark had given the old bike Fabian was riding a little MOT yesterday and it seemed to be working well enough. The idea had been to simply pass the time while Sebastian had to be in work and go for a gentle ride through the countryside, but Mark had found himself having to make a fair effort to keep pace with Seb's little brother. Fabian was clearly in decent shape from all that football he played and combined that with a youthful enthusiasm that seemed to regard taking things steadily as a complete anathema.

Mark rested his water bottle on his knee and puffed out a breath.

“Alright then Fabe?”

“Yep, good. It's nice round here.”

“Yeah very nice. Kinda why we live here,” teased Mark.

Fabian nodded.

“Most F1 drivers live in Monaco don't they? Didn't you fancy that?” he wondered.

Mark shook his head.

“Not really our kind of scene mate. Don't get me wrong, it's all very nice out there, but only to visit, not to live.”

“Wouldn't you save lots of money?”

Mark chuckled. He got that question a lot.

“Yeah maybe, but Monte Carlo is very cramped, everyone living on top of one another, _literally._ ”

Mark thought of all the apartment buildings crammed into less than a square mile and shook his head.

“I like my space, so does Seb. We're happy here. I mean look at this.”

Mark waved a hand out at the countryside below the ridge they had cycled up.

 

He laughed a little.

“I'm sure you think it all very dull, but...”

“No it is nice,” interrupted Fabian.

“Yeah, and besides the dogs wouldn't be very happy there,” added Mark.

Fabian laughed.

“No I can't see them surviving living in a little apartment.”

“Definitely not. Don't think I would either. Plus Monte Carlo is full of posers and people who think money is all the matters.” Mark pulled a scathing face. “Like I say, nice to visit, and the grand prix is pretty special, but this is home.”

 

Fabian nodded, Mark sounded very reasonable and it was nice here, if rather too quiet for his liking.

“Still seems a bit funny to think of Seb living over here,” Fabian admitted.

“Does it?”

“Yeah, I don't know, I guess I'm used to him not living at home and I think we might actually see more of Seb now even though you're further away, but...”

Fabian gave a shrug.

Mark looked at his expression and guessed.

“You'd rather he was closer to home?”

Fabian gave a shy nod.

“Yeah. I get that.”

Mark gave a dry laugh.

“You should try being me mate, my family's ten thousand miles away.”

“Must be hard,” presumed Fabian.

“Yeah. Been here twenty years and you never quite get over that. Specially if... well there's times when there's no substitute for actually being there with someone. My sister Leanne especially.”

“You miss her?”

“Yeah mate I do. She's pretty awesome.”

“She's older than you right?”

“Yeah. Leanne's about the most sensible, down to earth person I know and she gives the best advice. She's great.”

Fabian pulled a face.

“My older sisters just tease me.”

Mark gave a little shrug.

“Yeah well, that's their job. My sister used to do that too, but they love you. No one's gonna love you quite like a big sister Fabe. They might wind you up a bit, but when it comes down to it I promise you, they'd do anything to help you. That's what family means.”

 

Fabian gave a little nod and sipped his water quietly. He supposed Mark must be right. His sisters did tease him something rotten, but he couldn't imagine them not being there for him if he needed them. They were so much older than him, pretty much grown-up by the time he arrived in the family.

His mother had once referred to him as their 'bonus baby', which Fabian was fairly sure was code for 'mistake'. He wished that he'd been born sooner so he was closer in age to his siblings like most people he knew. He'd have had someone to play with then, a brother and sisters to hang out with and not feel like he was being babysat. Seb especially. From his earliest memories, Seb had always been off racing, weekends at first and then permanently gone and Fabian had been left almost an only child with his parents.

 

Mark saw the wistful look on Fabian's face and felt bad for him.

“You can come and see us again you know, you're always welcome Fabe.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah course, I mean you'd have to check with your brother, but I'm sure. And maybe we can fit in visiting you guys again? The autumn gets pretty crazy with all the races so far away, but at some point hopefully,” reassured Mark.

“Will you come for Christmas again?” asked Fabian hopefully.

“If I'm invited,” laughed Mark.

“Course you are,” insisted Fabian.

“Well thank you.”

 

Fabian smiled, thinking it had been more fun with Mark there last year. Sebastian had seemed pretty happy about it as well. It was weird to think that they hadn't been together then.

“Mark,” started Fabian tentatively.

“Mm?”

“Is Seb like your family now?”

“Yeah mate, that's exactly what he is,” confirmed Mark.

“Good.”

Fabian was pleased to hear Mark felt the same way about his brother as Seb did him.

Mark laughed.

“Good?”

“Yeah. That's what Seb said about you.”

Mark laughed a little more.

“Well I should hope so.”

“So does that mean _we're_ family then?” checked Fabian.

“I guess it does Fabe. That alright with you?”

“Yeah, that's cool.”

“Ha, well thank you.”

Mark was resisting the urge to ruffle Fabian's hair again. Bless, Seb's little brother was checking up on him, making sure felt the same way. Mark thought it must be fairly obvious how strongly he felt about Seb, but it was sweet that Fabian wanted to be sure.

 

“I love your brother very much, okay Fabe? You don't need to worry about that,” asserted Mark.

Fabian nodded. He did know that, but it was nice to hear.

“Yeah I know. Course, sorry, I don't mean to stick my nose in.”

Mark scrunched his face.

“Nah mate, he's your brother. You're meant to stick your nose in. It just means you care about him.”

Fabian looked down for a moment, then back up at Mark.

“He is okay now isn't he?”

 

Mark sighed at hearing the hidden anxiety in Seb's little brother's voice. It wasn't right that someone so young had to shoulder such worries. Poor kid, it wasn't fair.

“He's good mate, alright. I know it's been rough this year and your brother's been through a pretty horrible time, but Seb's doing good. I think that holiday helped us both. We just needed a bit of time away from it all.”

Fabian nodded again.

“He seems alright to you doesn't he?” checked Mark.

“No of course, yeah, he seems miles better now. I'm glad you had a nice holiday.”

Fabian paused.

“I'm sorry the papers printed those pictures of you.”

“Yeah mate, me too.”

Mark puffed a long breath.

“It's shit, but what can you do? It's hard not to let it get to you, believe me.”

He sighed again, thinking about how annoyed he had got and how much it could still bother him if he thought about it, but he had to push that away, Seb was right.

“Thing is mate, we've got two choices; We can let it bother us to the point where we get paranoid and the media start determining what we do and how we think, or we can decide to put it to one side and get over it because there are more important things in life and you just can't live that way.”

 

Fabian looked at Mark and thought how sensible he was. He wasn't sure he could be so calm if it was him. He was relieved Mark didn't seem annoyed that he had brought it up again when Fabian had meant to leave the matter alone.

“That sounds like a good attitude,” offered Fabian.

“Ah well it's your brother who said that. He's a smart guy.”

“So you don't let it bother you?”

Mark snorted a laugh.

“Oh it still bothers us alright, but we asked Britta to make some official complaints and left it there. Like I say, there's more important things.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Good. Well I'm not saying it's easy, but we've just got to find a way to manage these things because I hate to say it, but I don't think the media are about to leave us alone any time soon.”

“No, guess not. I wish they would though.”

“Yeah mate, me too,” agreed Mark. “I know it's rotten for you, for all our family. I'm sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“Yeah, but that's most of what we worry about to be honest; We don't want you guys seeing all that stuff.”

“It's okay,” allowed Fabian.

Mark pulled a face.

“It's not though.”

Fabian gave a little half-shrug.

“If Seb asks us not to look we don't look,” he assured.

“Yeah? Good. Thank you. I'm sure it must be hard not to be curious, but I know Seb would be very glad about that Fabe.”

 

Fabian nodded before confessing.

“I did see the pictures, though, sorry.”

Sebastian hadn't told him not to look for them and Fabian had wanted to see what he was talking about.

Mark gave a little tip of his head. There were worse things Seb's brother could have seen.

“Yeah fair enough. So, what did you think when you saw them?”

Fabian shrugged.

“I dunno. Obviously it's not very nice that they did that when you were on holiday. It's not right that they were spying on you.”

“No.”

“But you looked like you were having a good time,” noted Fabian, trying to make the best of things.

Mark laughed, thinking how Fabian was echoing his brother's opinion.

“Yeah. Ah well, we were.”

It still rankled, but at least this wasn't something that was upsetting their families to see.

 

“Don't really want to see you two kissing though,” joked Fabian.

“Ha, well thanks for that.”

“Although it's not the first time I have,” added Fabian.

Mark frowned, thinking he and Sebastian had been careful to make sure Fabian hadn't witnessed anything beyond the mildest kiss on the cheek between them.

Fabian saw Mark's confusion and explained.

“Monaco.”

“Oh, ha, yeah you and everyone else unfortunately. Ah well, hey ho, water under the bridge.”

“At least it's better than the other stuff,” tried Fabian.

 

Mark nodded. Fabian was a bright kid and very selfless, all he seemed to worry about was how it affected his brother. Surely it must be affecting Fabian too?

“That's definitely true,” agreed Mark.

He hesitated for a moment, wondering whether it was his place to ask.

“How are things at home? I know it must be a strain.”

Fabian shrugged, unsure how to explain it and not wishing to let Mark or his brother feel bad about how their troubles affected them all.

 

Mark knew his brother's shrugs too well not to interpret Fabian's. He was pretty sure that shrug meant; pretty crappy actually.

“Yeah.”

“They were just really worried about Seb, I mean I know that...”

“But it wasn't much fun for you either,” interpreted Mark.

Another shrug.

Mark nodded.

“How's it been at school? I mean really?”

Fabian was about to say that it wasn't so bad when he changed his mind, knowing he could trust Mark.

“Bit shit sometimes,” he admitted.

“Yeah,” sighed Mark heavily. “The other kids give you a hard time?”

“I dunno, not all of them, but some... they're idiots I know, but...”

“They say some nasty stuff?”

“Yeah. Just some of them, some of the boys in my year, they say some really horrible things. I mean I try to ignore it, cos I know it's bullshit and they're being really immature, but sometimes...”

“It gets to you?”

“Hard not to. Like I say it's not everyone, my friends are fine and some people have been really nice about it all, especially some of the girls.”

 

Mark gave little smile.

“Yeah well I'm afraid girls tend to be a bit more mature. Fabe, have you spoken to your parents about this?”

“They already spoke to the school.”

“Right, okay well that's good.”

“But it's not like they do it in class.”

“No, of course not, they wouldn't want to get caught would they?”

Mark shook his head sadly. It was such a familiar story.

“Bullies are cowards Fabe. I'd say stand up to them, but you'd probably only wind up getting yourself in trouble. I think you're right, the only thing you can do is ignore them. I know that's not easy.”

Fabian nodded, he knew that, even though he'd been tempted to thump the last person that had said something mean about his brother when it was revealed he was seeing a psychiatrist.

 

“I'm sorry Fabe. We hate that all this has such an effect on you.”

Fabian shook his head, he didn't blame them.

“They're losers Fabe, just know that okay?” tried Mark.

Fabian gave a dry little laugh.

“They're pretty popular actually.”

“Well your classmates have poor taste. In my experience people that are popular in school don't do so well once they leave, if that's any comfort?”

“So I've just got to survive another two years of them?” suggested Fabian dryly.

“'fraid so. At least the girls are nice?”

“Yeah.”

“So it's not _all_ bad?”

 

Fabian looked and saw a teasing smile on Mark's face. He wondered whether his brother had mentioned what he had told him yesterday. Oddly enough Fabian didn't mind so much if he had.

“I guess.”

“Don't let it put you off school Fabe, cos the way I hear it you're pretty good at that stuff. In a couple of years you'll be off at some high-flying university and those losers will be working nights at a fast-food joint and you'll never have to see them again.”

“Unless I want a burger?” joked Fabian.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Bad for you anyway mate.”

He drank some more water and thought about how the kids making Fabian's life difficult were really no different to the papers tormenting him and Sebastian.

“I suppose we've all got to work on not letting things get to us, eh?”

“Yeah,” agreed Fabian.

It was good to talk to someone who seemed to really understand. His brother too of course. Seb had been really good to talk to yesterday. It struck Fabian that Mark and Seb were very similar in some ways; it felt like he could really tell them stuff and they didn't dismiss him or think his problems were nothing compared to theirs. It was nice to know they were always there, even if most of the time he'd have to reach them via his phone rather than in person.

 

They sat for a few moments drinking and looking out at the view in peace.

“Right then mate, why don't we turn around and head back for some lunch?”

“Yeah okay. Do you think Seb will be back?”

Mark consulted his watch.

“Might be a while. Tell you what, do you fancy having a bit of a razz around in the Porsche after?”

Fabian's face lit up.

“Really?”

“Well I mean me driving, but yeah, we could have a little run out and see how she goes on these lanes, if you fancy it?”

He wanted to cheer Fabian up, but even so Mark wasn't about to let an unlicensed sixteen year old behind the wheel of a turbo-powered top of the range super-car.

“Yeah definitely.”

Mark smiled, glad that he seemed keen.

“Righto, good stuff.”

 

Mark stood and set his bike to rights while Fabian did the same.

“Race you to the next junction?” suggested Fabian.

“You're on.”

Mark pulled his helmet back on and checked that Fabian had as well.

“Okay... Go!”

Mark kicked off with a standing start. No mucking about. He knew only too well that racing a Vettel meant no quarter given. Race to win.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian arrived home and found the place seemingly deserted until he went through into the kitchen and saw the back door open. Mark was sat out on one of the garden chairs sipping a cup of coffee whilst his brother ran around playing with the dogs, throwing a raggedy old tennis ball for them to chase down and chasing about equally energetically.

He pulled another chair next to Mark's and greeted him with a kiss on the cheek.

“Hello.”

Mark looked up.

“Oh hello, I didn't hear you get back.”

Seb sat himself down to relax after his busy day at the factory.

“No, well I was in stealth mode.”

“Ha, is that what it was, not these guys making a din then?”

Fabian finally noticed that his brother had returned and bounded over.

“Hey. You're finally back then?”

“As you see Fabe, I have finally returned. Did you miss me?” Seb teased.

“Nope. Mark took me out in his car,” boasted Fabian.

“The Porsche,” clarified Mark.

Sebastian smiled knowingly.

“Ah I see. Nice isn't it?”

“It's amazing. Oof!”

The two dogs had rushed over and slammed into Fabian's side, almost knocking him over. Simba had the ratty tennis ball in his mouth and offered it up to Fabian expectantly.

 

“Back on duty Fabe,” instructed Mark, smilingly.

Fabian shrugged and lobbed the tennis ball across the garden once more before racing off with the dogs.

Mark shook his head at Sebastian.

“I think they're going to be devastated when he leaves.”

Seb looked at his little brother still enthusiastically running around.

“I thought the idea was to wear him out?”

“Ha, I think that may have rather backfired. I'm knackered. He's still full of beans.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Knackered?”

“Well, I was certainly looking forward to a nice sit down and a drink.”

Mark stopped himself. “Oh god, I really do sound old now don't I?”

Seb gave him a smile and wrinkled his nose.

“Nah. It's just him, he makes me feel old too. I could use a drink now that you mention it. Any more?”

“Yep. Should still be warm.”

 

Seb bobbed back into the kitchen and poured himself a coffee from the cafetiere on the side before returning. He took a sip as he sat down, the coffee was only really lukewarm but he didn't care.

“Sorry I took so long. I decided to use the gym while I was there. You don't mind do you?”

Mark shook his head dismissing it.

“Nah, we've had a nice day. Everything okay with the team then?”

Sebastian shrugged slightly.

“Yeah seems okay. Hard to tell until you actually get out on track isn't it?”

“Mm,” agreed Mark. Seb seemed happy enough that was all he really cared about.

 

They sat quietly drinking their coffee for a few moments. Seb smiling at seeing his brother enjoying himself mucking about with the dogs. Mark's gaze slid to the side of the house. He was thinking that perhaps they ought to do something to rectify the fact that most of Sebastian's gym equipment currently sat in storage.

“We'll have to look into seeing about whether we can build here. Maybe we could have a gym as well as a pool like you did. What do you reckon?” proposed Mark.

“Yeah that'd be good.”

Sebastian saw where Mark's gaze was directed.

“Were you thinking over there?” he wondered.

“Hmm, maybe. We might be able to put something on the side of the garage. I don't know, I guess we need to look into planning permission.”

“Mm, sounds good,” agreed Sebastian.

“Not sure when, seeing as we've got a busy few weeks coming up, but at some point.”

“Yeah, at some point. That'd be great, I'm sure we'll work something out Liebling.”

Seb moved his spare hand to rest on Mark's arm. He didn't want to think how busy things were going to be, but there ought to be a few spells where they were both home and could look into it, maybe even start planning and if they got permission perhaps look to get it done in the winter break before the next season began and everything started up again. Sometimes it seemed as though their lives were a relentless whirlwind with just the briefest of respites.

Without meaning to Sebastian let out a long sigh. Mark furrowed his brow a little at him.

“Alright?”

“Yeah. Just, the break's almost over,” commented Sebastian sadly.

“Ah. Oh well. One more day. We'll have a bit of fun tomorrow and leave off thinking about anything else until after that. What do you say mate?” suggested Mark.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah.”

A bit more denial. Whatever worked. Sebastian put his coffee down by his feet and pulled his hoody over his head to relax properly. It might be late afternoon, but this was the hottest weather they had seen since they had returned to England. In contrast to the island it had felt very cold to be home and they'd been dressed more for spring than summer these past few days.

 

Fabian finally tired of his game with the dogs and came over to join them, dropping cross-legged onto the grass and chucking the tennis ball at his brother to catch.

“Urgh, Fabe! This is all slobbery and disgusting,” complained Sebastian, letting go of it to wipe his hand on his jeans.

Both Fabian and Mark laughed at him and Seb turned to glower at Mark for siding with his brother.

The dogs came and reintroduced themselves, letting Sebastian and Mark give them a stroke.

“Oh, remembered we exist have you?” teased Mark.

Fabian looked at Mark petting the animals and then back at his brother and finally noticed what was on Seb's wrist matched that which he had seen on Mark's earlier. He stared for another moment wondering how it had taken him so long to see it, before grinning.

“Oh my god, you have matching tattoos! When did you get them?”

 

Seb and Mark looked at one another, Mark shrugged, indicating that it was up to Sebastian whether he wanted to explain them.

“Ah, um, yeah. Before the break,” confessed Sebastian.

Fabian twisted around to look at them and Sebastian relented, moving his arm so his brother could look.

“A fish? Why a fish?” enquired Fabian.

Seb looked back at Mark. For some reason he didn't want to tell anyone what the little fishes represented. They had so few things in this world that they were allowed to keep to private.

“It was just something we chose,” dissembled Sebastian. He felt a bit bad not telling his brother, but surely some things they could hold back?

Mark simply nodded and Fabian didn't press them, he merely laughed and shook his head.

“You guys are so cute,” Fabian teased.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and retrieved the soggy tennis ball to lob back at his brother, ignoring Fabian's protests as he glanced back at Mark who simply gave him a smile and the tiniest of nods as he understood that Seb wanted keep that little detail between them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning they were just about to head off when Pauline arrived, letting herself in to find Mark and Fabian tidying up in the kitchen.

“Hello.”

“Oh hey Pauline,” greeted Mark. “This is Seb's little brother Fabian.”

Fabian politely stuck out his hand to their housekeeper who smiled at Mark as she shook it.

“It's nice to meet you.”

“How do you do Fabian. I'm Pauline.”

The dogs were up and out of their baskets to come and say hello as well and Pauline gave them a rub while she took the opportunity to appraise Seb's brother whom they had told her was coming to visit. He was much younger than Seb, just a child really for all that he was taller than her.

 

“Thank you so much for looking after everything while we were away,” noted Mark.

“No problem. Had a nice break then? You do look brown,” smiled Pauline.

“Very nice, thank you.”

“And you're off again tomorrow?” Pauline checked.

Mark let out a little laugh.

“Yep. Never stops. We should be back Monday after dropping this one off, then the following weekend I'm racing and then the one after that Seb is again.”

 

Pauline shook her head at the way these boys never seemed to stand still.

“So we'll be here for the early part of the weeks. I've written out a schedule.”

Mark indicated a sheet of paper held onto the fridge by magnets and Pauline nodded as she looked it over.

“That's fine. We'll be happy won't we boys?”

Pauline gave the dogs another rub.

“See what did I say Fabe? This place'd fall apart without Pauline.”

“She's a treasure,” announced Sebastian from the doorway where he had appeared.

“Oh hello dear. Goodness you look like you had a good holiday too,” smiled Pauline, seeing how tanned and sunny Seb looked.

“Certainly did, thank you.”

Seb went over to stand with Mark as Fabian gave the dogs a stroke.

“I think they like you,” recognised Pauline.

“Ha, yeah, sorry Pauline, I think we've all been ousted in their affections now they've met young Fabian,” teased Mark.

 

Pauline set her bag down on the table and pulled off her cardigan ready to get to work.

“Shall I start in the lounge if you're in here?” she enquired.

“Oh no, we're off out,” explained Sebastian.

“Ah. Anywhere nice?”

“They're taking me to a climbing wall,” reported Fabian enthusiastically.

“Are they? Goodness that does sound exciting,” agreed Pauline. “You'll have to make sure you don't fall off.”

“Oh no, there's ropes and stuff,” explained Fabian.

“And he's not going to fall off, are you Fabe?” added Mark.

“Nope.”

“Well have fun. I'm sure they'll look after you.”

Sebastian laughed. “Think we'll be too busy looking after ourselves. We're doing it too.”

 

Pauline nodded, tempted to joke that they were big kids, but then Sebastian didn't seem so old to her eyes normally anyway and Mark seemed rejuvenated by their break. They both did. Thank heavens they had finally had some time to themselves. She was glad that they had come back relaxed and happy.

“Well then I hope you all take care,” instructed Pauline.

Mark patted Seb's arm from where he had rested it around him.

“We will. Now then, shall we go and get out of Pauline's hair and let her get on?”

“Yep.”

Seb stepped away and they started to make their way out.

“Thanks Pauline. Has Mark shown you our schedule for the next few weeks?” checked Sebastian.

“He has, we're all set. Enjoy yourselves, and if I don't see you, good luck for the weekend.”

“Thank you.”

Sebastian gave her a nod as they passed. Mark was right, this place would fall apart without Pauline.

As Fabian went to leave he turned and offered a hand to Pauline again, remembering his brother's instruction that he should be polite.

“It was very nice to meet you.”

Pauline smiled, carefully not laughing at his formality.

“And you dear. I'm sure I'll see you again.”

 

She heard the door shut and the car leave the drive. Pauline shooed the dogs back into their baskets while she put the radio on and set to work. It really was nice to see Mark and Seb looking so happy after everything they had been through recently. She was relieved that they didn't seem too put out about the pictures that she presumed they must have seen had gone in the papers. Clearly that holiday had done them the world of good. They'd certainly looked content in those photographs. Pauline knew it was wrong that they had been printed, but she hadn't been able to stop herself looking. All she'd really seen was what she saw all the time here; two young people who loved one another.

It was a shame that they had so little time to enjoy their time off before they were away again. They really did live their lives at 200 miles an hour. And now here was another little addition to the family. The younger brother was quite as polite as Sebastian, even if he didn't look much like him to Pauline's eyes. Clearly their parents had brought them up properly and he seemed to have excellent English as well. The dogs certainly appeared to have taken to him and they were good judges of character.

Pauline smiled and shook her head, it was hardly a surprise that yet another stray had been taken into this house. Whatever next, she wondered? This lively young boy was hardly the poor broken lost soul that Sebastian had once been though. Seb looked utterly transformed now and Pauline wondered if it was the sunshine or Mark that made him glow so obviously. Either way she was glad to see it, and to see the tension removed from Mark as well. Hopefully that wouldn't change now they were about to dash off around the world racing again. She'd have to make sure she kept an eye on them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You guys are so slow, I thought you said you'd done this before?” crowed Fabian from his perch at the top of the climbing wall.

Sebastian shook his head and looked down slightly to Mark from his position hanging on only half-way up.

“He's just depressing,” he moaned.

Mark laughed and swung himself up to reach Seb.

“Yeah. Now you know how I feel mate.”

They rejoined their efforts to catch Fabian up.

“Maybe we should give him a handicap?” suggested Sebastian as they climbed.

“What did you have in mind?” laughed Mark.

“Dunno. Attach him to a bungee rope from the floor?”

Mark grinned and leaned over to plant a kiss on Seb's cheek.

“Don't like losing, do you darling?” he teased.

Sebastian pulled a face, but he knew it was true.

 

Finally reaching the top they hauled themselves onto the platform to join Fabian.

“Oh there you are. I thought you'd given up,” joked Fabian.

“Very funny.”

“We're taking it slow and steady Fabe,” explained Mark. “Some of us have to race in a couple of days.”

“Spose,” allowed Fabian.

“Er, speaking of which; Don't go telling anyone on the team we were doing this today will you?” requested Sebastian, thinking that RedBull might not be too wild about hearing he had been risking injury the day before he left for Spa. Three years in a row would not go down well, even with Christian.

“Better not fall off then,” joked Fabian.

He went to give a pretend push to his brother by him as they sat dangling their legs over the edge, but Mark instinctively shot him a disapproving look and Fabian withdrew his hand before it made contact. He wouldn't really have given anything more than the lightest of pushes, but clearly that wasn't approved of.

“I've no intention of falling off, thank you,” reposted Seb.

“Right, come on then. Let's give it another go eh?” suggested Mark as he got up.

“Yeah. We're thinking you should have to do it one handed,” joked Sebastian as he copied Mark.

Fabian looked unimpressed, but Mark joined in.

“Or maybe you should just give us old folk a head-start? What do you reckon Fabe?”

Fabian followed them to the route down.

“I think you need to climb faster,” he retorted.

Mark and Seb grinned at one another, both of them knowing that there was no way they were about to give up in a hurry. Time to put a bit more effort in and show young Fabian that they weren't entirely decrepit just yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian snuggled down into bed next to Mark and let out a contented sigh.

Mark smiled at him and pulled Seb closer.

“Alright?”

“Yeah. Glad we've got everything ready. I don't like rushing about in the morning.”

“No, well we're all set now. We can take the dogs for a walk and have plenty of time to get to the airport,” assured Mark.

They'd left Fabian watching TV after dinner while they packed their cases for Spa, thinking it was only two minutes since they had unpacked them.

Seb reached out across Mark's chest and pressed his cheek down against his shoulder breathing him in and then letting out another sigh that sounded rather plaintive.

Mark tipped his head to look at Sebastian to see that he was okay.

“Sad the break is over?” he asked.

Seb lifted his head to look back.

“ _Almost_ over. Over tomorrow.”

“Okay, over tomorrow,” concurred Mark.

“Yeah, a bit sad. I'll be fine once we get there, but...” Seb sighed again. “This has been the best summer break I've ever had.”

 

He pushed himself up and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you. The holiday was wonderful and you're so good with Fabian.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“The holiday was for me too and he's a good kid, it's no trouble.”

“And you'll be alright looking after him in Spa?”

“Of course. I'll be glad to have the company while you're busy,” assured Mark.

“Okay, well still thank you,” insisted Sebastian.

 

Mark turned his body a little to look at him, but instead of saying anything he simply gave Seb a kiss and was pleased to see the smile he received in reply.

“It _has_ been the best summer break,” agreed Mark.

“Yeah?”

“Mm. Best ever,” confirmed Mark.

They resumed kissing and started to lose themselves in it until Sebastian pulled away to breathe. He smiled at Mark.

“It's still the break tonight,” Seb repeated.

“Mmm.”

Seb stroked his hand down Mark's side and sent him a suggestive grin.

“So maybe we should make the most of it.”

Mark looked at him, wondering precisely what he was saying, so Seb spelt it out.

“Maybe we could be really quiet?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark raised an eyebrow, thinking that Sebastian had been reticent so far while his brother staying.

“Well we don't have to...”

“I want to,” interrupted Seb.

“Oh?”

“Last night and everything,” continued Sebastian. “Unless you don't want to?”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Oh I definitely want to darling.”

He sent his hands lower, skimming over Seb's skin as Mark whispered in his ear.

“I'm sure we can be _very_ quiet,” he assured, completing with a kiss just below Seb's ear.

Mark grinned at the little shiver he got in response.

 

Quiet then. They could be quiet if they had to be. Last night of the break. Time to forget that tomorrow it all started up again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has to have a go on the zip-wire, right? Not just me...


	66. Support Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Off we go to Spa. This is another multi-part chapter (I know, you can barely contain your surprise...)

* * *

 

 

 

 

Seb stood in front of a huddle of reporters on the Friday afternoon. The sun was shining and so far things were going pretty well. They weren't top of the timesheets, but they were doing well enough and the car had felt solid on the track so as he was explaining to the group of journalists, they were optimistic for the weekend. Sebastian had been spared the drivers' press conference here in Spa yesterday which had been a relief, but now he was back in front of the mob as if he had never been gone.

“You're looking well Sebastian, may we take it you had a good holiday?” asked Jennie.

“You may, thank you,” replied Seb politely.

He'd already had comments enough on how tanned he was and more than a few jokes from the mechanics suggesting that he must have bleached his hair blonder again. Seb didn't mind, he merely told them he wasn't about to make that mistake twice. A little teasing in the garage was nothing to worry about and only told him that they considered him part of the team.

 

“There were some photos printed of you and Mark on holiday,” started another reporter. “How do you feel about the invasion of privacy?”

Sebastian thought it was surely a question that answered itself, but apparently not. He looked the man in the eye, trying to remember his name, one of the print journalists he was sure.

“Did you go away in the break?” Seb asked.

The journalist looked nonplussed. He was used to being the one who asked the questions, but now the other reporters were looking at him.

“I, umm, yes,” he admitted.

Sebastian looked him in the eye.

“How would you feel if you came home to find someone had been taking pictures of you when you thought you were alone?”

Sebastian asked the question in a conversational tone. He tried to make sure he didn't sound confrontational, but just _once_ he would like for the media to have a little empathy. It wasn't that complicated a concept, surely?

The reporter stumbled over an answer and Seb glanced back at Britta, knowing he should have simply said no comment and moved on, but it was hard sometimes not to say what you wanted to. He pushed it to one side and let Britta prompt the next person, answering several questions about how he had done in free practice and how the latest developments to the car felt, allowing him to give more positive answers.

 

“The car feels good. I think you'd have to ask the engineers if the car is showing the improvements they hoped for, but from my point of view it's all good.”

“You weren't the fastest today though,” pointed out one reporter.

“No, well, of course we're not the only ones to have made improvements to the car, all the teams have been working hard to bring upgrades for this race.”

Sebastian gave a wry smile.

“To be honest, I think we all know that there's a reason that the summer shut-down is compulsory. Otherwise I've no doubt that every member of every team would have spent the past month working night and day working on developments, fighting to get try to another couple of points of downforce or squeeze a bit more horse-power from the engine, probably without coming up for air. I'm sure it's good for everyone to have a break and I've no doubt that the families of all the dedicated members of paddock are thankful for that regulation.”

He paused for a moment, “and after a few weeks, perhaps one or two who aren't too disappointed that their other half is out from under their feet again.”

 

The assembled crowd laughed and Sebastian wondered if he might be able to leave on that note, but before Britta could sweep him away another voice spoke up.

“Of course you've brought your other half with you.”

The journalist was clearly trying to get a reaction from him, but Sebastian simply smiled. Mark _was_ his other half, why would he react badly to hearing him called that?

“Yes, and my brother too. They're both here supporting me this weekend.”

Seb stopped himself from frowning, wondering why they were making a point of it when surely everyone knew by now seeing as Mark and Fabian had been in the garage all day and around the RedBull motorhome since yesterday.

“I noticed you both got the same tattoo over the summer break,” commented the reporter.

Seb had known it was only a matter of time before someone spotted that. Sebastian glanced back at Britta, indicating he really was done now. He hadn't heard a question in there, so Seb reconciled himself that it wasn't rude to not answer, even to point out that it was actually from before the break.

“Is that symbolic of something?” tried the reporter.

Seb merely smiled enigmatically. He wasn't going to tell them. They could speculate all they wanted, Seb knew they would never guess the truth.

He was done. Time to go and find Mark and Fabian who Sebastian knew were patiently waiting for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark stood waiting to order their drinks in the RedBull Energy Station, deciding he might as well get one in for Seb as he was surely due back soon.

“Okay, Fabe why don't you go bag us that table over there and I'll be over in a second,” instructed Mark.

“Okay,” nodded Fabian.

He went over to sit down, pulling over an extra chair ready for when his brother returned.

 

“You've got yourselves a puppy. How cute.”

Mark turned to see that DC had materialised on his other side and was grinning at him. He frowned for a moment, wondering quite what David meant.

“Huh?”

“Him.”

David indicated over to Fabian.

“Running around after you all the time and looking up at you and Seb like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you're his heroes,” spelt out David.

Mark scoffed.

“Behave.”

DC looked back at the way the boy was sat looking over expectantly and shrugged. It seemed pretty clear to him.

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“We're just being nice to the poor kid. Can you imagine what it's like at school being Seb's little brother?”

“Hmm, suppose so.”

Someone arrived to take their drinks order and Mark excused himself to go and join Fabian. DC often thought he was funnier than he really was and Mark still wasn't too impressed with him for putting his foot in it over the holiday photos. He knew David hadn't mean any harm, but it had been anything but a joke to them. Mark took his seat and chatted with Fabian until their drinks arrived, trying not to obviously check his watch to see how long Seb was taking.

 

 

 

 

 

Christian walked into the motorhome in sore need of a coffee and a break. As he passed through the doors he saw Sebastian sat at a table with his brother and Mark. They were too far away for him to hear what was being said, but obviously something had amused them. As he walked past them on his way towards the bar to order a large black coffee to take through to his office Christian smiled and said hello, getting 'Hey Christian's in reply from Seb and Mark and a polite if slightly shy nod from Fabian.

He could hardly believe how grown-up Sebastian's little brother was getting, very nearly as tall as Seb these days. Christian had been surprised initially when Sebastian had said Fabian was coming to Spa without his parents as, despite the fact he had seen him in Germany only a month ago, he still half expected to see the little boy he had first met years ago. But time passed and little boys grew up. Besides, it wasn't as though he was here alone. Fabian was clearly in Mark's charge while Seb was busy, sticking close by him and following his lead at all times. Not that Christian expected a boy who had been visiting pitlane garages for half his life to misbehave, but it was good to know that Fabian was being looked after while he was here.

 

One he had received his drink and thanked the girl, Christian headed off to hole up in his office for a while and get a few minutes peace. Passing by the group again he saw the way Seb was leaning into Mark and how they forgot themselves for a moment, smiling at one another as Fabian ran on about something or other they were obviously only half listening to. Christian internally shook his head, thinking that the pair were worse than ever. 'Worse' was unfair he knew, 'closer' might be fairer, happier certainly.

He saw all the little looks and smiles they sent each other when they thought no one was watching, understood how keen Seb was to get his follow-ups with the team completed so he could get back here. Not that his driver ever gave any obvious sign of impatience of course, but Christian could tell, and he knew that it was Mark, not his little brother that Sebastian was so eager to return to. He was glad really of course, the break had done Seb the world of good as Christian had hoped it would, and while those photos appearing in the papers must doubtless have been annoying, they seemed not to have caused too much damage.

Christian closed the door of his office, pushed a pile of papers out of the way and put his coffee down as he sat down, resolutely _not_ opening up his laptop. Five minutes of not thinking about his drivers, happy or otherwise, the team, the car, the media, the FIA, or any one of a thousand things sent to vex him over a race weekend. He sipped his heavenly strong coffee and closed his eyes thinking that if his phone rang or someone knocked on his door he might have to suffer from temporary deafness, just for five minutes. He blew on his drink to cool it a little, took a sip and then chuckled to himself, _matching tattoos_ , he'd never thought to see the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat between Daniel and Lewis in the driver's briefing. So far, so dull. He wasn't unhappy that for once he seemed to be receiving no attention from his fellow drivers other than the odd polite nod from the likes of Massa and Alonso. Mark had fitted in a coffee and a catch-up with his friend yesterday while Seb showed his brother around the garage to see more details of how the engineers worked. On his return Mark had merely reported that Fernando was in good spirits and had spent half the summer working with his new cycling team in the hills of Spain. Not Seb's idea of a good time, but each to their own and no doubt it meant Fernando was fitter than ever. Sebastian hoped that he had done enough to keep his own fitness up while lazing on a beach with Mark for most of the break.

As the meeting finished up Lewis turned to him.

“Your brother's here this weekend isn't he?”

“Yeah. He came to stay for a few days,” explained Seb.

“Right, Nic is too. He just got here this afternoon. So I was wondering if you fancied hanging out tonight, if you're not up to much? Mark as well of course,” suggested Lewis.

“Oh um, maybe. I'll ask. Thanks.”

“Well we wouldn't be doing anything exciting. Maybe set up the PS4?”

Seb nodded, not wanting to promise before he had checked with Mark.

“Oh and you're welcome Dan, if you wanted to come along,” added Lewis not wishing to be rude. “We could get room service, have a tournament.”

Daniel laughed.

“As long as they're not racing games.”

“Mm that's a good point,” confirmed Sebastian. “I think that might end badly.”

Lewis huffed a laugh. He could well imagine.

“Sure, no problem, we can have a go at FIFA.”

“Okay well I warn you Fabian's pretty competitive.”

“Compared to a bunch of F1 drivers?” joked Daniel.

“Yeah, he really is.”

“Well you should see Nic once he gets going.”

Sebastian nodded, thinking it might be interesting to put their brothers together.

“Okay, I'll see what they say. Give you a text?”

“Sure.”

“Dan?”

“Um, yeah why not, if Seb's going,” agreed Daniel, thinking he had little enough planned for this evening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb sat with Mark on the sofa picking at the plates of food on the coffee table in front of them. They were laughing a little at the sight of Fabian and Nic sat on the floor by the television, going at it on the computer game, joshing one another while not taking their eyes of the screen as they competed. He wasn't surprised that they got on well seeing as they had so much in common, even if Lewis's brother was older than Fabian. Seb had been in no doubt that Nic would be kind to his brother, welcoming him in and being friendly, but that kindness ended when they fought to win. That was good though, to see them compete without Nic treating Fabian differently because he was younger or Fabian treating Nic differently because he had what Seb knew Nic would never consider a disability.

Sebastian looked over at Lewis.

“I did you warn you he was competitive.”

Lewis merely shrugged and sipped his water, before returning to chat to Daniel where they were sat on the other sofa.

“Fabe, don't forget to give other people a go, alright?” chided Sebastian.

“Mm,” replied Fabian, concentrating on the game.

Seb turned to look at Mark who shook his head. They'd accepted that tonight wasn't about them, but Seb thought his little brother might need reminding that they were actually guests here.

“Fabe,” he pressed.

“Yeah after this game, okay,” accepted Fabian, not moving his eyes from the game.

“Lost cause,” joked Mark.

 

A few minutes later Nic and Fabian reluctantly gave up their places to Lewis and Dan, Seb and Mark happily refusing the offer to have a turn. As they sat on the floor Lewis turned back to them.

“Sure you don't want a go?” he offered generally to either Mark or Sebastian.

Both shook their heads and Lewis nodded and faced front, hiding his smile as he thought that the two looked way too happy sat together on the sofa to be prised apart.

 

Dan elbowed him slightly as he gave Lewis his trademark grin.

“Right then, prepare for humiliation,” declared Daniel.

Lewis raised his eyebrows.

“Oh yeah? I'll have you know I'm pretty good.”

Daniel grinned impossibly wider.

“Yeah, I mean me; I'm shit at this. Right, let's go.”

They picked up their controllers and pressed play as Mark and Sebastian fell about laughing thinking Dan was hilarious. Neither one of them could recall knowing a driver with less obvious ego, but behind the smiles and the self-deprecating wit they knew there was every chance that smiling Dan might be about to slide in and defeat Lewis while his guard was down. Seb was only too well aware that you underestimated the honey-badger at your peril.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian was woken by the sound of his phone. His half-asleep brain thought it was his alarm going off, but on picking it up he realised that it was an incoming call making his phone ring. He sat up and stared at the little screen for a second, wondering what was going on. They'd had pleasant enough evening but hadn't stayed up late, why was he still tired?

As he read the screen Seb saw that it wasn't yet six am. No wonder he was dazed, they weren't due to get up for another hour or so. Seeing Mark stir at the noise Sebastian finally pulled himself together enough to answer the call, if only to stop it ringing. He swiped his finger across the phone screen. _Christian_. Why was his boss calling him at this time? Sebastian tried to put his brain in gear to respond.

“Seb. Sorry if I woke you, it's Christian.”

“Yeah. Hi.”

Seb could have pointed out that his phone had just told him who it was, but he didn't as in his sleepy mind it was finally sinking in that Christian calling him this early couldn't mean anything good.

“What is it?”

Even as Sebastian said the words his heart sank.

“I'm sorry, I know it's early but I need to come and speak to you. Can I come to your room?”

Christian knew that it would be better to have this conversation face-to-face, but he wanted to give Sebastian a few minutes heads-up, especially seeing as Mark was there.

“Um, yeah. What's going on?” tried Seb.

 

Mark was sat up by him, looking at Seb wondering the same, but he could only shrug.

“I'll be down in a minute or two.”

“Okay.”

The call ended and Sebastian turned to Mark.

“Christian.”

Mark frowned.

“What did he want?”

“He wants to come down and talk,” recounted Seb.

“Now?”

Seb nodded.

“What about?” pressed Mark.

“I don't know.”

Nothing good. There was no way that this was about anything good.

 

Sebastian climbed out of bed and pulled on some clothes before going through to the bathroom. He splashed water on his face trying to properly rouse himself and cleaned his teeth, Mark appearing by his side copying him. They didn't speak when they finished and went back into the bedroom, both looking at the door waiting for the knock to come.

 

When he opened the door Seb saw not just Christian stood in the corridor, but Britta too. They both looked tired and tense. Nothing good. Nothing good could come from this. Mark's arm was already around him as Seb opened the door. It didn't leave him as they let their visitors in and sat on the foot of the bed as Britta and Christian pulled chairs around from the far end to face them.

A terrible silence descended on the room and it occurred to Mark that they hadn't even exchanged hello's. No time for politeness. He knew what those expressions meant, how tired each of them looked. It told him that Christian and Britta must have been up half the night dealing with whatever the problem was, doubtless waiting until they were closer to a reasonable hour to disturb them. He could feel the horrible tension in Sebastian pressed into his side and tightened his arm around him.

“What is it?” asked Mark, breaking the silence.

 

Christian glanced at Britta before focussing his attention on Sebastian, speaking as calmly as possible.

“Okay, I apologise for waking you up, but there's something we've needed to deal with. It only came to light overnight. We've been working to resolve it, so that's why I haven't said anything sooner.”

Christian hadn't wanted to speak to them until he had a more positive resolution to present them with, rather than waking them in the middle of the night. In truth even if they hadn't been making any progress Christian wouldn't have woken his driver earlier, not with qualifying later in the day. He knew well enough how important sleep was for performance and he had a nasty feeling that Seb would need all the help he could get today.

“Sebi, the first thing to make clear is that we've been handling this, okay? The lawyers have secured an injunction and this is _not_ going to be published,” Christian insisted.

 

Sebastian took a breath in through his nose, feeling as though his mouth had been welded shut, but he forced it to open.

“What hasn't been published?” Seb braved asking, trying very hard not to imagine the possibilities.

Christian hid a sigh at hearing how quiet Sebastian's voice was. Damn it. He'd been in such a good place all weekend. Both Seb and Mark had come back from their break looking as though new life had been breathed into them and now something else had to come along and spoil all that.

“Heikki tried to sell his story. It's been stopped. It was intended for one of the Sunday tabloids tomorrow...”

 

Seb was sat forwards, his eyes wide open, now fully awake, but he'd hardly heard anything beyond the first few words. He felt nauseous. _Heikki_. Heikki doing what he had always threatened to, doing what Sebastian had feared for so long. He was selling him out, trying to hurt him from afar, trying to destroy him. The blood started pounding through him and all the air had gone from the room.

“Shit,” breathed Mark.

He had a tight grip on Sebastian and was looking at him carefully, seeing the way his face had gone tight and his breathing short, even though Seb was trying to keep himself together. Mark saw Seb's hands had balled up into fists, the veins on them standing out as his whole body leapt into flight or fight mode.

Mark turned slightly so Sebastian could see his face.

“It's _not_ being published, okay. They've stopped it,” Mark emphasised.

Sebastian gave a quick tight nod of the head. He didn't think he could speak. The word _Heikki_ was twisting in his heart like a knife. Any moment now he was going to start shaking. If Mark let go of him it would all be released and Seb knew he would fall apart right here, right here in front of his boss. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't have an attack. Not here, not now. That _couldn't_ happen.

 

“That's right,” repeated Christian. “And the lawyers are working on bringing all their weight down on him for even trying, so it's okay Sebi, alright?”

Sebastian tried to make his brain take that in, to appreciate the reassurance and accept that Heikki had been stopped in his attempt, but most of his energy was being taken up by trying to hold himself together and all he could think was that Heikki wouldn't stop trying to hurt him. He'd be angry now, angry that his attempt had been stymied, he'd be busy thinking of a way to take that anger out on Seb, trying to find a way to punish him.

“Take a deep breath, okay?” instructed Mark, looking at him with concern.

Sebastian tried to focus on Mark's face, he locked onto his eyes, seeing him looking right back. He did as he was told and took a breath, held it and let it out as slowly as he could, then again. Mark gave his arm a squeeze and waited until Sebastian seemed a little more settled before looking back at Christian and Britta who were carefully not reacting in any way to seeing Seb's response to the news. In truth Mark knew this was nothing compared to how upset Seb really was, he understood how hard Seb was working to keep himself in check.

“It's okay Seb,” repeated Mark quietly, waiting until he got a tiny nod of recognition from Seb before turning back to face the front.

“The lawyers have been on this in the middle of the night?” questioned Mark.

“It's what we pay them for,” confirmed Christian.

Mark gave a little tip of the head. He didn't really care as long as what they did worked.

“Do we know what was in the article?” enquired Mark, thinking that it might be best to hear, rather than let Sebastian's imagination run wild.

 

Britta spoke up for the first time.

“Yes. It was an interview, ostensibly giving his point of view...”

“Full of lies of course,” interrupted Christian.

He looked at the pair, making sure he had Sebastian's attention as he spelled things out.

“He wasn't giving them anything that we know to be true, any of the real reasons behind why he had to go.”

Christian gave the pair of them a little nod and Mark nodded back, remembering that Britta was still in the dark about what Heikki had done.

“He was painting himself as a victim,” continued Britta.

Mark coughed a bitter laugh.

“That's the worst fucking joke I've ever heard.”

“Yes, well. Quite,” intervened Christian. “He was trying to make out that he was essentially unfairly dismissed and then paid off to keep his mouth shut.”

Mark pulled a face. Much good that money seemed to be doing.

“So he's broken the confidentiality agreement,” noted Sebastian quietly.

 

Everyone in the room paused for a second, almost surprised to hear him speak.

“Yes I'm afraid so, but like I say Sebi, the lawyers are on it, okay? He's about to find out what consequences really mean, okay?” assured Christian.

Seb gave a little nod.

“Okay.”

“I'm afraid he also said some pretty unpleasant things about you,” added Britta.

Mark felt Sebastian tense again by his side.

“Like what?” risked Seb anxiously.

 

Christian held up a calming hand.

“Just petty derogatory stuff, hints mostly that he thought you were an unstable character, paranoid, manipulative and controlling...”

Mark scoffed angrily. Heikki was turning the truth inside out. It was a fucking joke. The least funny one he'd ever heard. He looked down to see that Sebastian had closed his eyes.

He leant in closer to Seb and spoke softly, just for him to hear.

“It's okay. We won't let that bastard win, alright? He's been stopped.”

Mark rubbed a hand up and down Seb's arm and Sebastian took another steadying breath as he looked back over at Christian and Britta.

“So no one can publish this, right?” Seb checked.

“We're making sure of it, okay Seb?” reassured Christian.

 

Sebastian pushed out another breath, his heart was still beating far too fast, but he was trying to control it.

“Okay.”

“Do we need to know anything else?” asked Mark, wanting to get this over with so that he and Seb could be alone.

Britta glanced at Christian before speaking.

“Just that we're handling this, okay Seb? Nobody else knows anything about it apart from the legal team and their equivalents at the paper and the injunction extends to their employees even discussing it. They can't even report that they had an article that they aren't allowed to publish, alright?”

Seb nodded.

“We're doing our best to make sure this is water-tight,” emphasised Christian. “I know this isn't good, and obviously the timing is terrible...”

“The timing is deliberate,” inserted Mark.

Christian gave a little tip of his head, acknowledging that was doubtless true, just another malicious action by Heikki, trying to unleash his attempt at revenge on a race weekend to heighten his impact on Sebastian.

“Yes, well. It's not worked. Okay well we'll go now.”

 

Christian looked at Britta who took the hint and rose with him.

“I'd say you don't need to worry, but obviously...”

Christian tried not to let on how worrying it was to see how pale Sebastian looked and how he hadn't moved from the tight hold Mark had on him.

“Obviously, that's easier said than done, but we _are_ handling it. In the meantime I think the best thing is just to concentrate on today.”

Christian saw the sceptical look on Mark's face and knew that he was still asking a lot of Seb, but they really had no alternative but to plough on. He wanted to swing at Heikki for doing this now, but looking at Mark, Christian knew that Mark wanted to do far worse.

 

Britta caught Sebastian's eye just before they reached the door and gave him a sympathetic smile. She'd talk to him later at the track and remind him that they could give no hint of this to an unsuspecting paddock press. Right now wasn't the time. Seb needed time to pull himself together, then they would work out a plan for how Seb could get through facing the media today.

 

 

 

 

 

The door shut and Sebastian took the sharp shaky breath he'd been holding back all this time. Mark was about to try to fold him into a hug, but Seb pulled away and was up off the bed before Mark could say anything. He shot into the bathroom and by the time Mark caught him up, Seb was vomiting the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

Mark paused in the doorway for a moment, sighing to himself and running a hand through his hair. He puffed out a breath and went over to Seb, ducking down by his side and rubbing his back gently, knowing there was nothing he could do to stop Seb reacting this way. He'd done well to hang on through that, Mark knew Sebastian wouldn't have wanted to let them see just how distressed he really was.

“It's alright mate, come on,” coaxed Mark, unsure whether Sebastian was really hearing him as he continued to throw up.

Seb carried on until he was merely dry retching into the toilet bowl, the smell making him feel even worse and his eyes watering. He closed his eyes and tried to shut his brain down equally forcefully, but it wasn't working, Seb's mind was spiralling and he couldn't even sort his fears into ordered worries as they overtook him. He didn't resist as Mark hauled him up and got him to the sink, trying to find enough strength to splash water into his mouth as Mark turned on the tap.

Mark was taking most of his weight as he sat Sebastian down on the closed toilet and flushed it before checking Seb was sitting up on his own well enough so that he could fetch him a some water to sip. He dipped back down in front of him and rubbed Sebastian's arm as he looked up.

“Seb it's not going to be printed, okay? It's alright.”

Seb would have nodded but he thought if he did he would throw up again. He concentrated on maintaining his hold on the plastic cup of water in his hand and took another sip.

 

Mark left it a few minutes, not talking, just letting Seb settle, drinking his water and breathing slowly, before helping him up and walking him back through to sit where they had been before on the bed. He finally pulled Seb into the hug Mark knew he needed, wrapping his arms around him and letting Seb drop his head onto his shoulder.

 

Sebastian took deep breaths, his eyes closed again as he shut out everything but the feeling of Mark holding him and the steadiness of his heart beating through his chest.

“Why is he doing this? Why does he hate me? I don't know what I ever did to make him hate me so much,” let out Sebastian, lifting his head enough to look at Mark.

Mark sat back a little and saw how pained Seb looked and how close to tears he was. Mark placed his hands either side of his face.

“You did nothing sweetheart, nothing. It's not you. It's him. There's something wrong with him. Something somehow must have gone wrong in his life, or there's something wrong in his head. I don't really care, but there's _nothing_ wrong with you, okay?”

Sebastian's face was crumpled up but he managed to slightly nod his head as Mark let him go. He dropped his head down and Mark lowered his own to rest their foreheads together.

“He's tried and he's failed, okay Seb. That paper can't print anything and no other will touch him, they're going to make absolutely sure of that now. He's not going to get to tell his lies,” insisted Mark.

 

Seb looked at him and shook his head.

“He won't stop. He never stops. Just when I think we're okay and I might finally be free, he's always waiting.”

Sebastian took a shuddery intake of breath and his shoulders started heaving before he started sobbing.

“Ah _Seb_ ,” sighed Mark, pulling him back in. “Come on sweetheart, don't let him do this to you. You know this is what he wants. Don't give him the satisfaction.”

Mark held him in and gently rubbed his back, saying whatever soothing thing he could think of and watching to make sure Seb didn't go to far and fall into an attack. That couldn't happen here, not now, not when Sebastian had to step into an F1 car in a few hours and drive around one of the most demanding tracks of the year.

“We knew he might try this, we've talked about this,” tried Mark, hoping that Sebastian was in a state to able to take it in.

“He's an idiot. He has to have known that the team wouldn't let him get away with it. Hmm?”

 

Mark moved his head to try to see Seb's face to check if he was listening, but now he had ceased crying his eyes were tightly closed as Sebastian's head rested on his shoulder.

“Don't let him do this to you,” Mark tried again, sighing at the lack of response.

He hated seeing Seb like this, seeing what a hold over him Heikki maintained. Hated knowing that somewhere out there, even though Heikki was about to find out that his attempt bad-mouth Sebastian in the press had been shut down, Mark knew that Heikki would be hoping that Seb was brought low by the attempt alone, knowing as he did that fear was his greatest weapon and Seb was horribly vulnerable to it. Heikki had spent years cultivating that fear, instilling it deep in Sebastian so he knew exactly what buttons to press, how Seb would react and how and when to destabilise him to maximum effect.

 

Sebastian didn't lift his head, but Mark felt his arms slide right around him so he rested his head by Seb's and whispered softly in his ear.

“It's okay. We're going to be okay. We're going to take a minute and then we're going to be alright.”

Seb stayed as he was and let Mark's voice sooth him. Let his certainty soak in and tried to believe it, but fighting the urge to panic left him feeling drained of energy. His body's natural alternative to an attack was to shut down altogether and that was what he wanted to do now. He wanted to keep his eyes closed and let Mark hold him until the world went away.

 

 

 

 

Mark wondered what the time was and how long they had been sat there. He knew they couldn't stay like this, knew he had to help Seb.

“Seb, we have to get ready.”

All he got back was the slightest shake of Sebastian's head against him.

“We have to sweetheart. We're due at the track.”

Nothing.

“Seb you have FP3 in a couple of hours,” reminded Mark.

 

Sebastian was still making no effort to move, so he sat him up and Seb opened his eyes to look back at Mark.

“I know it's bad that he tried this, but he failed, okay? We have to pick ourselves up and carry on. That's what we do isn't it? We carry on.”

“I can't.”

“Yes you can,” insisted Mark.

Seb shook his head feeling close to crying again, hating that he was so weak and incapable of closing down his fears. He _couldn't_ do this. He wasn't strong like Mark said he was. He wanted to crawl under the duvet with Mark, keeping the door locked so he couldn't be hurt by whatever it was Heikki had planned next.

“No. I can't.”

Sebastian looked at Mark, appealing to him to understand how genuinely destroyed he felt. Seb felt as though he couldn't even lift his arms, never mind stand. He couldn't contemplate getting into an F1 car right now.

Mark looked back into those blue eyes and wondered what the hell he should do. Sebastian sounded terrible. He couldn't force him to be okay if he was this upset. If Seb really was in no state to do anything then maybe Mark should get on the phone to Christian and tell him. If Seb was this bad then maybe it would be dangerous and irresponsible to push him. Mark took a steadying breath and placed a hand on Seb's cheek for a moment.

“If you need to, maybe... maybe we should say you're not well?” suggested Mark.

“Go home?”

The idea was tempting. Just run home with Mark and curl up safe there with him and the dogs. Run away from all this. Run away from the fear and the pressure and the scrutiny. Run away. Give up. Give in. Hide away where it was safe.

 

Mark gave a half shrug, looking at Seb very carefully, trying to judge how he was.

“If that's what you want.”

Sebastian shrugged back. He wasn't sure what he wanted. Part of him wanted to do just that.

“Maybe you could just skip free practice? See how you feel for quali?” tried Mark.

Sebastian thought about it for a second, but he couldn't do that.

“If I miss practice I won't have the right set-up.”

Mark almost laughed, instead he gave a wry smile thinking that if Seb was still concerned with that it was a good sign.

“Okay, so..?”

Seb shrugged again. He wasn't sure he knew how he could do this, but he couldn't run away home, he couldn't crawl back under the duvet. He couldn't give up.

“Okay, let's get a shower at least,” proposed Mark, gaining a nod in compliance.

Sebastian didn't make any move, so Mark helped him up, helped him into the bathroom, helped him undress, helped him into the shower, helped him wash.

They barely spoke. Seb still felt as though it was taking all his energy to stand, but as Mark gently rubbed his skin he felt something of Mark's strength seeping into him.

 

 

 

They had only just re-dressed when there was a knock at the door and Seb jumped. Mark rubbed Seb's hand where they were sat back on the bed together and went to get it.

“Fabe.”

In all this somehow Mark had forgotten all about Seb's little brother.

“Hey, are you going down? You said half seven, so...”

Mark glanced back at Sebastian from behind the half-closed door before returning his attention to Fabian.

“Umm, yeah we're not quite ready yet. Do you mind going down and saving us a table?”

“Oh. I can wait?” tried Fabian.

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“We'll just be five minutes or so. You get started, okay?” insisted Mark.

Fabian frowned, wondering why they were sending him away. He wanted to stick his head around the door to see his brother, but Mark was blocking the gap. Perhaps Seb was still getting dressed?

“Okay then,” agreed Fabian, turning and heading off down the corridor to the lift.

 

Mark shut the door and sat back down with Sebastian.

“Okay?”

Seb nodded. He had to be okay. He had free practice to get through, his brother was waiting for him. He _had_ to be okay.

“Yeah, I'll be alright once I get going I think. I'll be better when I'm in the car and I don't have to think about anything else,” Sebastian asserted.

“Okay then,” agreed Mark.

Mark gave him a squeeze and then took his hand and turned it over and stroked his thumb over Seb's wrist. Reminding them both that they simply had to keep going.

Even though Mark knew how upset Sebastian was to have learned what Heikki had tried he also knew that once Seb had decided something he was too bloody stubborn to be put off doing it. Maybe getting in the car and shutting out everything else might not be such a bad thing for him. They would just have to play it by ear, let Seb take the lead. He was stronger than he knew.

 

 

 

Sebastian sat at the breakfast table with half the team in the room eating around them. He kept his expression neutral and pretended to listen to what his brother was saying as Seb's breakfast sat in front of him slowly going cold.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“How do you think he is? I mean really?”

Britta opened out her hands.

“I'm not sure. You know Seb's too good at showing people what he thinks they need to see. Not great to be honest I think. He's very quiet.”

They were sat in Christian's office in the motorhome. Christian knew he had to get back to the garage soon to oversee that preparations were going smoothly. He had spoken again with Sebastian when he had arrived at the track, but Britta was correct; Seb was all too skilled at putting up a front. He'd naturally been very upset earlier when they had first told him. According to the lawyers they had everything in hand, but it was no surprise if Seb was still worrying.

Christian huffed a breath.

“It's hardly unexpected really, but he would pick _now_.”

He shook his head unhappily.

“Of all the whiny, hypocritical, pathetic ways to disrupt a race weekend...”

Britta looked shocked and Christian shook his head.

“Not _Seb_. Him. Heikki. Trying to blame Seb in that interview. Mark's right, it's like some kind of sick joke,” explained Christian.

“Oh right. Yes.”

Britta wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but that would mean prying into Sebastian's past and she knew enough understand that whatever Heikki was, he was no victim.

“I swear there must be something wrong with his head. I don't know how he though he was going to get away with that,” noted Christian.

 

Britta nodded, she'd never liked Heikki, but she wondered how it was she hadn't realised just how right that instinct had been.

“What I don't understand is why now? I know for a fact approaches have been made before,” noted Britta.

Christian looked at her.

“I think that's pretty obvious isn't it?”

Britta paused for a moment, then she worked it out.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“The holiday photos.”

“He must have seen them. Those pictures were everywhere and I can only imagine his reaction to seeing them so happy.”

Britta shook her head.

“He's jealous.”

“Of course he is. It's an incredibly childish response and stupid too of course, but he can't be thinking straight. Jealousy does strange things to people and as I say, I don't think Heikki was right to begin with.”

“Hm,” nodded Britta. “So what now?”

“Now we see if Heikki is stupid enough to ignore the consequences of his actions.”

“And if he doesn't?”

“We finish him.”

Christian sounded worryingly final in that statement.

“Right. And Seb?” pressed Britta.

Christian shrugged.

“If he says he's fine then we have to take him at his word. He's got through tough times before. I'm sure he will again. At least Mark is here this weekend.”

“Okay then.”

She would have to keep one eye on her charge and one eye on everything else and hope that Heikki wasn't as stupid as he was bitter and twisted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark caught Sebastian's eye in the garage as soon as he finished up with his engineer and Seb came over.

“Fabe mate, give us a minute will you?”

“Oh umm, okay,” agreed Fabian, wondering what the hell was going on today.

Mark gave a slight indication over and he and Seb moved towards the back exit.

“We'll just be a minute,” repeated Sebastian, making an effort at a smile for his little brother.

 

The second they were out the back into the deserted rear storage portion of the garage Mark took his hand and pulled Seb further over out of the way.

“You're okay?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded, but Mark tipped his head to one side and raised an eyebrow at him.

“This is _me_ you're talking to.”

He still had a hold of Sebastian's hand. Mark rubbed his thumb over the back of it as Seb looked at the floor.

“I'm okay. I'll be okay once I get in the car,” Seb assured him as he looked back up.

He did feel a hell of a lot better than he had a few hours ago, but that wasn't really saying much. All he'd managed was a coffee at the hotel and some of his energy drink now. Seb hoped that would be enough to get him through the next hour at least.

“Just keep it on the black stuff, alright?”

“Yep.”

“It's only free practice, okay, so don't worry too much about it. Just try and get a feel for things.”

Seb gave another nod and Mark nodded back before pulling him into a tight hug and a kiss.

“I've got to get going.”

“I know.”

 

Mark wanted to tell him to stay safe, but that wasn't the sort of thing you said. He wanted to say he wished Seb had eaten something, but that would only remind them why Seb couldn't eat and why he was so worried, why Sebastian had thrown up most of what he had eaten yesterday earlier.

Seb would get through it. Just one hour to get a last feel for how the car was running and let the engineers get their readings. Just one hour Mark had to survive worrying about him and trying not to let Fabian see how concerned he was.

 

Sebastian set his shoulders back and tried to stand a little taller as they separated to walk back through. He gave another smile to his brother and it felt like a lie. Seb felt bad about it, but there was no time to get into things and he didn't know how to tell Fabian the truth without upsetting him and upsetting himself. It was taking nearly all that he had just to keep himself together, he couldn't carry Fabian too right now.

He picked up his helmet and Hans device and sorted himself out before climbing in the car. Seb gave Mark once last glance back and got a solid nod in reply. Okay, he could do this. Seb pulled on the racing gloves that sat waiting on his steering wheel and stretched out his fingers inside them as he put them on. Seb went over the plan with his engineer as he leaned into the car to speak to him. He did his radio checks and felt the engine start up, let it flow through him and decided to do what he did when he was struggling; Be a part of the car, be a machine with no feelings and worries, irrational or otherwise.

Seb pulled down his visor and closed his eyes for a second, visualising the track. It was just practice. All he needed to do was drive round, keep it on the black stuff and follow the plan. Don't think about anything else, just drive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time Sebastian climbed out of the car he felt totally drained. He sat with his engineers and patiently listened while they told him everything he had done wrong and where he was losing time. Seb wanted to ask them what they expected in the circumstances, but of course they had no idea what was going on in the background. To them Seb was just having a lousy day. It wasn't good enough. They wouldn't say as much, but Sebastian knew that was what they were telling him. He had to try harder. He had to push everything else out of his mind and take in what they were saying to put it into practice in qualifying. He had to be a professional and do what was expected of him.

“Okay Seb, so don't worry about it, but that all makes sense right?”

Sebastian studied the data on the screen and nodded. It was all there in front of him, no denying it. The car was running fine, there were no technical issues to blame his poor performance on, the difference was the driver.

“Yeah. Thanks. I'll do better in quali.”

“We know you will. We'll get this down in the first few runs and by the Q3 we'll be on it.”

 

Sebastian smiled one of his first genuine smiles of the day. They had such faith in him, no doubt whatsoever that he would deliver and succeed. They were a team, he couldn't let them down.

“Yep. Okay thanks. I'm gonna get some lunch and I'll be back. You're getting a break too, right?” Seb checked, knowing how hard they all worked.

“Sure.”

Sebastian nodded and turned to go. He gave another smile to the mechanics giving his car a once over as he walked past.

“You guys are getting some lunch as well aren't you?” he checked.

One of the mechanics rolled out from underneath the car and grinned up at Seb.

“You offering to make us a sandwich?”

“I don't think they'd let me in the kitchens Steve. Ask Mark, I'm a hazard.”

A couple of the mechanics laughed and Seb shrugged back.

“Guess we all have our skills. Culinary ones bypassed me, sorry.”

Steve sat up, secretly trying to picture what the domestic life of Seb and Mark could really be like.

“We're fine. You get on. She'll be in good shape when you get back,” the mechanic promised.

“I know I can always rely on you guys. Thanks. Back in a bit.”

 

Sebastian walked out into the paddock, Britta appearing by his side to walk along with him despite the fact that they had nothing new to discuss. He hoped the rest of the team were getting a proper break. For all he joked about it with the media, Seb knew that it was important that they were looked after. Every time he got in the car he was putting his life in their hands. Seb trusted them the same way they trusted him to deliver. They were a team. No matter how bad he felt, Seb understood that he had to blank out how he felt today and play his part.

 

 

 

“One hour, alright?” reminded Britta as they walked through the doors of the motorhome.

Sebastian nodded and as she saw Mark walking over Britta gave him a smile and went off to continue her work.

Mark wrapped him up in a hug and Sebastian let himself sag into it for a moment, finally releasing some of the weight he had been carrying all morning.

“You okay?” checked Mark.

Seb was about to give another of his automatic nods, but this was Mark so he shrugged.

“Don't worry about the times,” reassured Mark.

Sebastian raised a cynical eyebrow.

“Because that's how this works,” he commented dryly.

“Well...”

Mark wasn't quite sure what to say. All he cared about was that Sebastian was getting through it.

 

Seb looked over to where his brother was sat waiting for them to join him.

“How's Fabe?”

“He's fine.”

“You haven't said anything?”

“No of course not.”

“No. Alright, sorry.”

 

Mark could tell that Seb was still nervy. He saw it in Seb's eyes when everyone else just saw the smiles pasted on his face, he felt it in Seb's body when he held him in; something unsettled, muscles too taut and the pulse too fast.

 

“How long have you got?” inquired Mark.

“An hour. Bit less now,” Sebastian informed.

“Okay then.”

They walked over and sat down with Fabian. Sebastian sticking to his drinks bottle while they drank what they already had. Mark tried to keep the conversation going and encouraged Fabian to run on while he tried not to worry about how quiet Seb remained.

“Are we going to get some lunch then?” asked Fabian, thinking he was already starving despite the fact he had wolfed down half the breakfast buffet at the hotel this morning.

“Sure. Seb?”

“I'm not hungry,” excused Sebastian.

Mark looked at him with concern.

“You should eat something,” he urged, trying not to sound too demanding.

Sebastian just shook his head.

 

Fabian went to open his mouth but Mark caught his eye and gave the tiniest shake of his head. Fabian frowned at his brother wondering what was wrong. Could he really be nervous? That didn't make sense, Seb had been in qualifying countless times before, why would he be nervous today? Seb hadn't touched his breakfast and he was really quiet.

Something wasn't right. Fabian didn't want to admit it, but the commentators they'd been listening to in the garage seemed to have been correct when they had said that Sebastian wasn't on form today.

 

Seb saw the troubled expression on his little brother's face.

“It's fine. This is an energy drink. I do drive for RedBull after all.”

He waved the drinks bottle and Fabian nodded, not wishing to make a point of it.

“You know I think I should just grab a shower,” excused Sebastian.

Mark went to get up, but Sebastian shook his head.

“You stay. I won't be long.”

 

Seb disappeared off to his room and Mark ordered some food, but only lasted until the plates appeared before apologising to Fabian and abandoning him to follow Sebastian upstairs.

Mark knocked and entered the room to find Sebastian already re-changed and sat on his bed. He walked over and sat by him, slipping his arm around Seb's waist.

“You have to put it out of your mind.”

Seb looked at him dubiously.

“I know that's easier said than done,” conceded Mark.

Sebastian puffed out a long breath.

“I know I'm being ridiculous. I know I'm letting him get to me. I know that's what he wants,” Seb admitted.

“Then don't.”

“I know it's stupid.”

Mark shook his head and leaned in.

“It's not stupid, but you have to try.”

“I _am_ trying. I just can't help worrying,” explained Sebastian.

“I know,” relented Mark.

“Britta promised me she'd say if there was anything and there hasn't been, so...”

“So let her do the worrying and you focus on quali,” insisted Mark.

 

Seb closed his eyes for a second and nodded. Still easier said than done. He knew Heikki better than anyone. All their promises that things were being handled weren't enough for Seb when he knew how dangerous Heikki was when frustrated. Every time he allowed himself to think about it Seb was gripped by a fear that threatened to consume him.

“Come down and have something to eat,” encouraged Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'm not hungry,” he repeated.

Mark sighed heavily.

“Please Seb, just something,” he entreated.

“I'm fine,” protested Sebastian.

 

Mark didn't know what to do. Seb obviously _wasn't_ fine, but he didn't seem to be getting through to him. He looked over to the drinks bottle on the little table and the half drunk bottle of water beside it. Mark got up and retrieved the bottle of water and put it in Sebastian's hand. Seb frowned, wondering why Mark wanted him to drink it when he saw the way Mark was looking at it.

“Your hand is shaking,” stated Mark unhappily.

Seb looked at the bottle and the undisguisable ripples on the surface of the water that betrayed how shaky his body was. He dumped it down on the bed by his side and stared at the floor. Mark raised his hand and gently stroked it over Sebastian's hair.

“Please sweetheart, you have to eat something. Energy drinks aren't enough, you know this, you need something in your stomach. Just something plain, you'll feel better,” coaxed Mark softly.

Sebastian pushed out a shaky breath, still looking at the floor. He knew Mark was right, but sometimes his body seemed to work against him. Seb turned to his side and dropped his head onto Mark's chest as Mark moved his arms to hold him there.

 

“We've just got to get through today and things will seem better,” promised Mark.

He was thinking that if Seb could just get qualifying completed, no matter what the result, once they got to the end of the day Seb might feel better to know that he had done it. Besides which Mark knew that Seb was far too stubborn for him give in and not run in qualifying, no matter how bad he felt. By tomorrow surely they would have a little distance on what Heikki had tried and Seb might be able to relax enough to have a half-decent race.

They sat like that for a while as Seb absorbed the feeling of Mark against him and let it sooth him as it always did.

Eventually Mark gave Sebastian's arm a rub.

“Your brother will be wondering what we're getting up to in here.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh against him and pushed himself to sit upright.

“Okay. Maybe I could try something, maybe just some pasta,” he conceded.

Mark smiled at him, relieved that Seb seemed marginally better. Seb did his best to smile in reply, hoping that his stomach wouldn't simply reject it and throw that pasta back up again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They walked back along the paddock in good time for Seb to prepare for qualifying. Fabian feeling slightly comforted that his brother seemed improved over lunch, but he was quiet again now.

“At least it's sunny,” tried Fabian.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

“You never know what to expect at Spa,” noted Mark.

Sebastian nodded and gave his brother a smile, feeling bad that Fabian was obviously trying to be positive when Seb knew that must mean he was worrying.

“FP3 doesn't mean much Fabe. Quail’s the important thing. Right Britta?”

“Absolutely. We start from here,” agreed Britta.

She was pleased to see Sebastian looking a little brighter. She had other concerns from her work over lunch, but now was not the time to mention them. She would just have to keep an eye on things.

 

 

 

Sebastian caught up again with the team and prepared himself to go, thinking of Britta's words that they started from here. Forget this morning, all of it. He did feel more settled inside for eating something. Mark had been right of course, his body required food to make sure his blood-sugar was balanced. Antti would have killed him if he knew Seb had been going to try doing quali having thrown up the only meal he had consumed in the last twenty-four hours.

Once he had gone over everything, Seb bobbed over to his brother and Mark and received solid hugs from each of them before climbing in the car.

 

Mark noticed the camera panning over and smiled and waved at it as Sebastian pulled out of the garage, giving Fabian a little nudge to do the same. Fabian pulled off one of his headphones and leaned into Mark who did likewise.

“It's weird seeing yourself on TV isn't it?”

Mark glanced up at the screens where thankfully they were now showing the cars all peeling out into the pitlane as the timer counted down on Q1, before addressing Fabian.

“Yeah mate, pretty weird, but they just want to show us supporting Seb, so that's what we do.”

“Yeah, course.”

Fabian lowered his voice so that no one else around them might overhear.

“He's okay isn't he?”

“Your brother's doing great. It's a tough day for him.”

 

Fabian nodded back without questioning him further and Mark felt guilty that they were keeping things from him, but he had enough on his plate with getting Seb through today. Maybe after the race tomorrow Seb might want to talk to him, but for now they just had to keep things going.

“We just have to support your brother this weekend, okay Fabe? We do whatever it takes. That's our job this weekend, we're his support team. Whatever Seb needs, we do. Alright mate?”

“Even if that's just smiling for the cameras.”

“Yeah mate, that's right.”

Mark smiled for Fabian instead before he looked back to study the little timer ticking down in the corner of the screen and watch what looked like toy cars running on track in the helicopter shot. He was the one who felt sick now, praying that Sebastian could have a good qualifying session today of all days.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave you hanging there. I'm almost there with the next bit, so give me the nod & I'll crack on.


	67. Winners & Losers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly random time of day to post this, but my bodyclock is all out of whack from watching the running in Aus.
> 
> So here we go, part 2...

* * *

 

 

 

 

The screens showed the cars pulling up into Parc Ferme and Mark's broad smile wasn't forced when the programme cut to show the RedBull garage. As it cut in to focus on them Mark leant in and Fabian waved obediently to camera before they started talking. Through one ear Mark heard the commentator jovially noting.

“Well it seems Seb's support in the garage don't seem too disappointed with sixth, and after this morning's showing you have to agree that a third row start didn't look on the cards. The RedBull seems to like this track reasonably well though and Daniel seemed to be threatening the Merc engines until that last run when the Mercs and Williams finally showed their hand, but then that's the story we've got used to.”

Mark pulled his headset off. Never mind not being disappointed, he thought Seb getting p6 today was a minor miracle, he would never have said it out-loud to either Sebastian or his brother, but Mark hadn't expected Seb to make Q3 this afternoon. He was only half a second off pole and Dan barely a tenth faster.

 

Having been weighed and checked, Seb reappeared in the garage and bypassed his engineers to get the hugs he wanted.

“Wasn't too bad I guess. I know sixth...”

“You did brilliantly,” insisted Mark firmly.

“Yeah that was really close Seb,” added Fabian, remembering Mark's note that their job was to support Seb in whatever way they could.

“Thanks.”

 

Britta appeared and Sebastian presumed they were about to have a quick run through before heading down to the pen, but she looked serious. Mark turned around to see what Sebastian was looking at and instantly knew that something was amiss. Britta had been in and out of the garage all through quali which wasn't like her at all, usually she was as glued to the screen as he was. Christian was in the garage too, but he spoke to Dan before coming over.

 

Christian pushed his mobile phone into his pocket thinking over what Britta had said as she had just called him from the back of the garage moments earlier.

“Daniel. Alright? I think that's what we could get from today,” offered Christian.

“Yeah, thought we had it for a moment then, but...”

Dan shrugged.

“Merc engine on a low downforce track. You did what you could. Look, you've got a couple of minutes before heading down, can you do me a favour?”

Daniel frowned a little but nodded.

“Sure.”

“Can you talk to Seb's little brother for a moment?”

“What?”

“Just, show him the car, or your race helmet or something. I need to talk to Seb and Mark, so if you could distract him for a few minutes I'd appreciate it,” requested Christian.

Daniel was still confused, but you didn't refuse your boss.

“Um, okay, sure.”

“I'll explain later,” mollified Christian.

 

He headed over to the group in the corner where Britta was already waiting.

“Seb, Mark, could we get a minute?”

Sebastian nodded, trying not to let his nerves show on his face. His heart-rate had already been high from running in qualifying and it had only just been starting to settle down, now it was right back up again. Something had happened, he was sure of it.

“Fabian, why don't you go over and have a word with Daniel,” suggested Christian.

Fabian frowned and looked at his brother, but Mark spoke.

“Just give us a sec Fabe. Go and say well done to Dan,” Mark instructed.

Fabian was about to question what was happening but he saw the look on Mark's face and did as he was told.

 

 

 

The four of them headed out back and tucked themselves into a corner while the rest of the team sorted things out post-qualifying in the garage.

Sebastian felt Mark squeeze his hand even though he hadn't noticed him take it. He looked at Britta and Christian's faces and felt ill again.

“What's he done?” Seb asked, terrified to hear the answer.

It was Heikki, he knew it, it had to be. His palms were sweating and Sebastian thought Mark must feel it. Adrenaline was coursing through him and Seb couldn't tell what was left over from quali and what was fear.

“We don't know it's him,” started Britta.

“ _What_ don't we know is him?” pressed Mark.

 

Britta glanced at Christian wondering how the hell she was meant to tell them this.

“There are rumours, on the internet,” she started cautiously.

Seb was sure he really was going to throw up again now.

“What rumours?” Seb managed.

Britta looked uncomfortable and somehow Sebastian and Mark both knew before she could say it.

“I'm really sorry Seb.” Britta hesitated. “It's really hard with the internet to see where something starts, but there's some pretty unpleasant stuff going around, mostly on Twitter...”

“Saying what?” insisted Mark, knowing they had to hear it.

 

Someone wandered through into the back area and Christian whipped around to glare at them until they got the message and quickly left.

He realised he had to be the one to bite the bullet and say what Britta was struggling with.

“I'm sorry Sebi, apparently it's sexual stuff. Pretty nasty,” related Christian.

Sebastian face was very tight, but he nodded.

“Making me out to be some kind of twisted pervert, right?”

Britta nodded sadly and Mark put his arm around him.

“I'm sorry Seb. I don't know where it's coming from.”

“Yes we do. It's him. I know it's him.”

Sebastian hardly knew how he was speaking. He felt like throwing up. He wanted to cry, but somehow most of all he felt angry. He'd known Heikki would do this. He'd _known_.

 

“We can't know for sure right now, but it does seem plausible,” Christian admitted.

Mark turned his attention from Sebastian for a moment to look at them.

“How hard is it to open an anonymous account, right? Takes about a minute. Devious piece of shit.”

“Yeah, you may be correct, but for now we don't know. We can look at that, but for now...”

Christian trailed off, thinking that they could get it investigated, but more pertinently Sebastian was due in front of the media in precisely five minutes. He and Britta had quickly debated leaving this until later on the phone, knowing this was no place to throw this at Sebastian, but it would have been worse for something potentially to be raised live on television. This was the marginal lesser of the two evils.

“What else? What else is he saying about me?” pushed Sebastian.

“It's messed-up stuff Seb. We have to ignore it for now,” Britta tried.

Seb shook his head.

“No. Tell me. I have to know.”

Britta found herself looking at Mark who gave her a fractional nod to go ahead.

 

“Messed-up stuff... Saying you were into some... weird kinks... that you liked... rough stuff...”

Britta felt as though every word was being dragged from her. Nothing in her job description covered discussing this sort of thing with a driver. This year felt like one rolling disaster, race after race doing damage limitation. It wasn't Seb's fault, but it was a waking nightmare.

“Violence?” queried Mark.

Britta nodded and she felt horrendous as Sebastian's face crumpled and all the front he put up fell away.

“Fuck,” breathed Sebastian.

His legs had stopped working and he sat down in a hurry, slipping slightly down the wall to sit on the concrete floor. Mark dropped down by him, returning his arm round Seb and looking at him.

Seb squeezed his eyes tight shut. He couldn't break down. He had to hold it together. He had to control his breathing, stay steady. He couldn't fall apart here.

The fact that he had long suspected this was precisely what Heikki would try in some way or other didn't make it any easier. Sebastian knew that Heikki was taunting him by turning things around and making out Seb _enjoyed_ the very things he had tortured him with.

 

“We knew he might try something like this, okay?”

Seb succeeded in opening his eyes to look at his boss as he spoke. His knees were pulled up in front and he wanted to drop his head down to them, close his eyes and let Mark hold on to him, but he couldn't do that here. Britta and Christian were stood awkwardly in front of them and just a few feet away the whole team was working away in the garage. He had to go and face the press in a minute. He had to keep going somehow.

“Bastard. It is him,” concurred Mark angrily.

He looked up at the pair and Christian ducked down, giving most of his attention to Sebastian.

“Yeah. I know. You're probably right and we _will_ deal with it. But right now we have to get through today.”

Mark glared at Christian.

“You can't expect him to go out to the pen now?” he protested.

“ _Mark_ ,” tried Christian.

“No. No way.”

Mark wanted to get Seb back to his room and take care of him, make sure he was okay and then back to the hotel as soon as possible.

Britta knelt down and studied Sebastian.

“What do you want to do?” asked Britta calmly.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath. His head was swirling. He wanted to cry. He wanted to run away. He wanted to scream at the world that was so happy to spread such horrific lies about him. He wanted the floor to open up and swallow him and Mark and take them anywhere else but here. He wanted to see Heikki and ask him how he could do such a thing.

That stopped him. He wanted to _see_ Heikki? He wanted to reason with him? As if reason had any place in Heikki's mind. Reason would imply humanity, logic, calm considered thought. That wasn't Heikki. Heikki was rage and anger, bitterness and obsession. Mark was right; Heikki was wrong in the head. All this time had passed and he was still fixated on him. Now Heikki had descended to spreading vile lies about him.

“It's bullshit,” proclaimed Sebastian with more force than he thought possible.

“It is, of course it is,” confirmed Mark.

“Say that.”

They turned to look at Christian who had said that so definitely.

“That's what you should say. Only if it comes up, of course, but you should say that. _Exactly_ that.”

 

Christian looked at Britta who cottoned on. The media secretly loved it when drivers spoke their mind, even more so when it was personal and best of all when they misbehaved a bit and swore.

“You want me to say it's bullshit?” checked Seb, trying to keep up.

“Yeah. You have to laugh this off.”

“Laugh?” choked Mark.

“Yes. Laugh. Because these rumours are such bullshit that it's laughable. You don't care Sebi, why would you? Anonymous online trolls talking shit about you and making crap up. Why would you care? You're a four-time world champion. Why would such a load of bollocks bother you?”

 

Sebastian puffed a breath and rested his head back on the cool wall behind him. Could he do that? Could he pick himself up when he wasn't sure if his legs worked and go out to face the media to make a joke of something that hurt him to his very core?

Mark looked at Christian sceptically.

“You can't ask him to do that.”

Mark looked at Britta appealing to her to back him up.

“It might not come up. I'm not sure. The media should be concentrating on quali. I don’t know whether they'll have seen what's doing the rounds,” she explained.

“This is the paddock. Gossip travels faster here than anywhere else in the known universe,” huffed Mark.

Sebastian lifted his head from the wall, doing everything he could to keep himself together and stay with the discussion.

“They won't say, but they might hint,” Seb suggested.

He knew the media pack too well. If he gave in and ran away or avoided tackling this then they would take it as tacit admission that it was true.

 

Seb looked at Mark as he considered things. Laugh it off. Was he capable of that? It was probably the last reaction Heikki would be expecting from him. He looked at Mark as that idea took hold.

“It'd really piss him off.”

Mark looked back at him, surprised to hear how steady Seb sounded.

“Heikki?”

Mark risked saying his name, but Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Mark didn't want to tell Seb he couldn't do this, but he still thought it was too much to ask. Then again he knew they were right. Nothing would piss Heikki off more than his malicious little efforts being laughed off.

“You're the best actor I know,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian huffed a weak laugh. He still felt shaky inside, but Mark always said that he handled the press better than anyone. He _had_ done this before, he had faced the media when he felt as though he was falling apart. At least this way they were going in with a plan. If he couldn't avoid it he had to at least find a way to handle it. Heikki would love the idea that his insidious attempt to ruin Sebastian's reputation would finish him for good. If Sebastian couldn't face the media or if he appeared as upset as he felt then Heikki would know he had succeeded. As Seb steadied himself he understood that he had the choice of falling apart and showing Heikki he'd won, or pulling himself together enough to fake it and take that victory away from him. There really was no choice. He just had to do it.

 

Britta looked at her watch.

“If we're going we need to go,” she pointed out.

Seb nodded and Mark looked at them.

“Could you give us a second?” Mark requested.

 

Christian and Britta cleared out and Mark gave Sebastian a hand to stand back up. He looked at him carefully as Seb took several steadying breaths as if preparing himself for battle.

“Are you really up for this?” he checked.

Sebastian gave him a slight shrug.

“I don't think I have any choice. I can't let him win can I?”

Mark gave Seb his best smile.

“Too bloody right. Okay then; Make him squirm. Don't give a shit about his lies. He's nothing to you, nothing compared to you,” Mark insisted firmly.

Seb nodded.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark pulled him into tight embrace and whispered in Seb's ear.

“He doesn't win. You win darling. _You win._ That's how this goes; One winner, one loser. You're the winner.”

Seb pulled back a bit and smiled at him.

“And he's a loser.”

“Damn right,” confirmed Mark.

Seb pushed up and gave him a kiss before stepping away and taking a last deep breath before they walked back through to find Britta. This was going to be hell, but the one thing he carried in his pocket was the idea that Heikki was about to get an unpleasant surprise of his own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood in the press pen, doing his best to concentrate on answering the legitimate questions reporters were asking him while his mind was filled with his preparations for what he should say if the subject of gossip came up. He didn't realise it, but the fact he was so relieved to be asked ordinary questions meant that Seb already seemed far more positive about his distinctly middling result in qualifying than most of the media had been expecting.

 

They had made their way more than half-way around the pen when the moment Seb had been dreading and anticipating struck.

“Seb, was your result today affected by you being distracted?”

Sebastian sent the slightest look towards Britta, guessing where this was going.

“What do you mean?” pressed Sebastian, carefully keeping his voice neutral.

The reporter had the grace to look slightly embarrassed.

“Ah, um well there's a lot of stuff going about. Rumours about you. I don't know if you're aware?”

 

It occurred to Sebastian that if he hadn't been aware then this could have been a far worse moment. He looked the reporter in the eye and smiled for the camera.

“It's bullshit. Honestly, I don't have time for that kind of nonsense.”

Seb laughed as if amused that the reporter had brought it up.

“I've heard all sorts this weekend. Even people saying I've been dying my hair again, which I can promise you is as much a load of bollocks as the rest of it.”

“So it's obviously not true then?” pressed the reporter.

“Course not.”

Seb pulled off his cap and ran a hand through his hair.

“All natural,” he grinned.

The gaggle of media in front of him laughed appreciatively as Sebastian pretended to preen for the camera. Britta beamed at him and moved Seb on to the last few groups, whispering in his ear as they crossed over.

“I think I love you.”

Sebastian coughed a genuine laugh.

“But Britta, Mark will be jealous,” he mock protested.

 

Sebastian had a sudden rush from his success just then. Seb hardly knew how he'd done it, but he had. He'd laughed it off and Heikki would be fuming to see him unbroken. Sebastian felt oddly powerful. He'd been afraid and he had overcome it. He had stood up to Heikki as if he had been right in front of him. As if he had looked Heikki in the eye and said _'Fuck you'_.

Fuck you and everything you did to me. Fuck you trying to carry on hurting me. Fuck you not getting over losing. Fuck you and your fucked-up head thinking this would work. Fuck you Heikki, you lose.

 

Seb smiled at Will.

“How's your day going then Seb?”

Sebastian gave a dry little laugh.

“I couldn't begin to tell you.”

Will nodded. He'd heard some pretty disturbing stuff going about, but Sebastian seemed in good spirits despite a so-so quali session. Maybe he didn't know what was being said about him?

“So, umm, quali not quite what you were hoping for?” tried Will.

“Well to be honest on an engine track, it's about what we expected. Obviously I'd rather have been ahead of Daniel, but I'll have to see what I can do about that tomorrow. I've heard the weather's looking iffy, and Spa is Spa, so you have to expect the unexpected.”

Will nodded agreement and asked a few more technical questions before signalling his cameraman to switch off.

Will leaned over the barrier and glanced at Britta before addressing Sebastian.

“Um, Seb. Off the record; there's some stuff going about... If you wanted the chance to deny it?” Will offered.

Sebastian shook his head.

“I wouldn't dignify the fantasies of some troll with a response, sorry Will,” he replied calmly.

“No, of course not. Sorry. Yeah you're right. I don't know how people think online anonymity gives them the right to say anything they want to. I had some trouble myself, nothing like this, but... Yeah anyway. Glad you're alright. Good luck tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”

 

Britta moved them on again and they nearly walked into Lewis and his PR assistant crossing the pen.

“Hey, well done,” congratulated Sebastian.

“Thanks man.” Lewis paused, unsure how to respond in kind when Seb had a far lesser result. “You improved a lot from this morning.”

Seb nodded thinking it was nice of Lewis to find a positive.

“Yeah. Listen, any chance I can have a word when we're done?”

“Oh, umm, sure.”

“Thanks.”

 

They continued on their respective paths. Seb smiled and tried not to look too relieved to see Lee and the end of his task approaching. It gave him a little strength to know that although his attitude and appearance might be faked for the cameras, the real deceit was what Heikki was propagating online.

 

“Hey Lee.”

“Hey Seb. How are you doing?”

“Yeah. Alright thanks. Obviously I hope to move up through the field tomorrow.”

“I'm sure. You moved up six spots from FP3 to quali, I imagine you're hoping for a similar improvement tomorrow?”

Sebastian smiled and pretended to count on his fingers.

“I'd settle for moving five spots up.”

Lee did the sum in her head and laughed.

“Oh yes. Well maths was never my strong point.”

“That's okay, you have many other admirable qualities,” smiled Seb.

 

Lee gave an acknowledging tip of her head, thinking this was what Seb used to be like when everyone said he was flirting with her. She'd always known it was just a bit of fun, but it was nice. Sebastian was a good guy and a far better interviewee than many of the PR spouters she had dealt with over the years. There was more awful stuff going around about Seb today. It wasn't fair, especially when he'd been having such a hard time this year.

“You seemed to be amused by something over there before. Care to share what that was about?” asked Lee hoping to keep things light.

“Ah well, they were asking me about some of the bullshit rumours that are apparently doing the rounds,” replied Sebastian in an unbothered tone.

“Oh right.”

Lee was surprised to hear Seb didn't seem affected.

“It doesn't bother you?”

“Why should it bother me? Some people have too much free time on their hands and an over-active imagination. I've got more important things to concern myself with,” asserted Sebastian in a measured voice.

“Such as?”

“The weather. I've heard it's going to change tomorrow and I was _really_ hoping to top up my tan,” joked Seb.

Lee laughed at how Sebastian had perfectly dead-panned that line. This was like the Seb of old. That holiday really did seem to have done the trick after the rough few months he and Mark had been through. She was glad to see Seb laugh in return. Maybe he was going to be alright after all. God only knew what they made these drivers out of but it was impressive stuff.

 

 

Sebastian exited the pen making sure he didn't let his body-language change as he relaxed, knowing his ordeal was over. He was just thanking Britta when he saw Lewis hanging around.

“Hey, Lewis. I was wondering if you could do me a favour? Well not you really. Nic,” asked Seb.

“Umm, sure,” agreed Lewis.

 

The two of them talked together as they walked slightly ahead of Britta and her Mercedes counterpart.

“I'm always surprised that they're friends off-track.”

“There's much more than meets the eye to some people,” smiled Britta.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark greeted Sebastian with a hug the moment he was through the motorhome door.

“I'm so ridiculously proud of you,” he whispered in Seb's ear.

Seb put his arms around Mark's neck and pressed his face down into his shoulder, soaking him in. All the earlier adrenaline had run out now and he felt tired down to his bones. Seb wanted to hold onto Mark forever, but after a minute Seb pulled back.

“I don't really know how I did that,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark smiled at him.

“Oscar's in the post.”

“Yeah.”

“You were amazing. Really Seb. You'd never know...”

Mark left off and Seb nodded thanks.

“How are you doing really? Have we got any time or do you have to get back for debrief?” queried Mark.

“Debrief later. We've got a bit of time, but then Christian wants a sit down apparently, about, all this. You can come if you want,” explained Sebastian.

Britta had filled him in as they approached, reading from the message on her phone as they walked up the paddock, but she seemed to have evaporated once they reached the Energy Station.

“Of course I'll come. What about Fabe?”

“Oh, um I asked Lewis if Nic was free for a bit.”

“Okay,” nodded Mark.

He felt bad for Fabian being passed around, but Seb was his priority.

 

 

 

They sat down and Sebastian let his brother run on about qualifying while he checked his phone seeing if there was a text from Lewis. After a couple of minutes his phone beeped.

 

“Hey, umm, so we've got some stuff we need to sort out for a while and Nic was wondering if you wanted to go hang out with him for a bit?” proposed Sebastian.

He knew it was a bit unfair to offload his brother onto someone he barely knew, but Nic was a nice guy and Seb was sure he could trust him to keep an eye on Fabian. Surely they'd be alright sat having a chat in Mercedes' hospitality for a while?

Fabian frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Nic, Lewis' brother. You could go over for a bit, rather than sit here getting bored.”

Fabian stared at him, wondering what on earth was going on today. Seb had seemed his normal self on TV, but as soon as he got back he was talking with Mark and then he was quiet again. He'd been weird all day.

“What's going on?”

“I just don't want you sitting around here on your own. You got on fine with him last night,” tried Sebastian.

Fabian furrowed his brow deeper and shook his head.

“Why are you trying to get rid of me again?”

“Fabe,” cautioned Mark.

“No. Why would Mark be going with you? What's happened? Why aren't you telling me?”

Fabian was getting worked up and Sebastian was about to say something to fob him off again when his brother looked at him, his bottom lip close to sticking out.

“I don't understand.”

Seb sighed at how lost his brother sounded and turned to Mark who gave the tiniest of shrugs back.

“Maybe we should go upstairs for a bit?”

“You're leaving me?”

Fabian seemed very young all of a sudden and Sebastian forgot all his own worries for a moment as he knew he had to think of him instead.

Seb shook his head.

“No, you too. Come on, we need to have a talk.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark and Seb sat on the little bed as Fabian took the chair opposite, still wondering what was happening. He saw the way they were so close together and how Mark took his brother's hand. He opened his mouth to ask again why there was such a strange atmosphere, but Seb had lapsed into silence again and Mark gave Fabian a look that he was sure he meant; don't push your brother. He'd been told that so many times before, it meant there was something bad here.

Fabian held his tongue and waited while his brother looked down at the floor for minute before taking an obvious deep breath and looked over at him.

 

Sebastian sighed, trying to think how he was meant to explain this to his little brother. Fabian looked worried and he hated that he must have made it worse by keeping this from him.

“I'm sorry Fabe. I've been having a rough day. I didn't mean to push you away,” apologised Seb.

Fabian shrugged.

“What's the matter? Is it quali? Sixth isn't that bad is it? Are you worrying? Is there a problem with the car?”

Sebastian shook his head. Poor Fabe fretting away. He owed him the truth, or the best he could give him at any rate.

“No, it's not the car. It's me, well, kind of...”

“ _Seb_ ,” intervened Mark, turning in to him.

 

Sebastian rubbed his face with his hand, how did he explain this? He hated his brother knowing these things, but he hated more that Fabian was worrying.

“Okay, look, you can't repeat any of this to anyone, okay? Not even Nic or anyone in the team.”

Fabian nodded.

“There's legal, confidentiality stuff, so I'm trusting you not to say anything.”

Mark huffed a mirthless breath through his nose thinking that some other people didn't seem to understand what that meant.

 

Seb gave him a little look and carried on.

“I told you about someone who was in my life a while back...”

“Heikki.”

Sebastian tried not to bristle at hearing his brother say the name.

“Yeah, him. I told you he signed something agreeing not to talk.”

Fabian nodded again.

“He's broken the agreement. He spoke to a paper.”

“Oh my god.”

Fabian knew how bad this person was, how much he had upset Seb.

“No it's okay, they stopped it. The legal team, they got an injunction so it can't be printed,” explained Sebastian.

“The team?”

“Yeah.”

“But... that's horrible. Why would he do that?”

 

Sebastian sighed and Mark spoke up.

“Because he's a bad person Fabe. He can't stand seeing your brother happy.”

“What was he saying, do you know?” wondered Fabian.

“Not exactly, but apparently he was putting me in a bad light, trying to... well, to make out I was the bad person and I treated him badly,” explained Seb.

“What the hell?”

“Yeah mate, that's the face I pulled,” agreed Mark.

“But he can't do that. He's lying isn't he?”

 

Fabian sounded outraged and Sebastian was reminded that if only his family knew how much of a lie it was they would never handle it.

“Yeah he's lying. That's why it's been stopped, okay?”

Seb tried to sound as calm as possible, somehow trying to keep his brother from getting worked up was keeping a lid on his own emotions.

“Okay. That's awful though. I'm sorry. Of course that's horrible. Are you alright?”

“I'm...” Seb couldn't lie. “I'm not great, sorry. I know I've been off today.”

Fabian shook his head.

“No of course. God what's wrong with him? Why would he do that?”

“I don't know.”

Seb sighed, he had to tell him the other part too.

“Fabe there's more; We don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure he's been spreading nasty rumours about me.”

 

Fabian sat up at that.

“What?”

“Online. It's anonymous, but like I say, I'm pretty sure...”

“Because it's the sort of fucked-up, devious, underhand thing he would do,” added Mark angrily.

“Saying what?” questioned Fabian.

Sebastian looked at Mark. He couldn't think how to explain this.

“Seb?”

Fabian knew he wasn't meant to push, but he had to know.

Sebastian sighed and rubbed his face with his hand again.

“Bad stuff. About me... trying to make out I'm into weird stuff, that I'm perverted, into...”

 

Seb couldn't go on. He shook his head, scrunching up his face and letting Mark put his arm around him to pull him in.

“It's alright,” consoled Mark softly.

Seb looked at Mark, shaking his head again.

“It's not alright. This is what he does too. He makes this happen. He wants to make my life hell. I hate him.”

“I hate him too,” echoed Mark.

He said it quietly, but Mark had never felt anything like the hate he felt for Heikki. An angry part of his brain thought he didn't know how he had given up two opportunities last year to kill him. He wanted to do that now; find him and kill him to stop Heikki from posing a threat to Seb ever again.

 

Mark looked over at Fabian and saw the hurt and confusion on his face.

“What do you mean?” asked Fabian tentatively.

Seb looked at Mark and he gave a tiny nod.

Mark turned to Fabian.

“We've not read it, but like Seb says; messed-up stuff, suggesting he liked... being treated roughly.”

Mark couldn't spell it out any more graphically than that, not to Seb's kid brother.

Fabian looked horrified and Sebastian had to speak, even though he felt his blood jump at Mark saying those awful things.

“It's not true,” Seb insisted.

“No of course not. But he's telling people that?”

“We don't know for sure it's him,” admitted Mark.

“But you think it is?”

“Yes.”

“He can't say that. He can't just say horrible things about you,” protested Fabian.

 

Seb took a shaky breath, but it was Fabian that burst into tears.

“He can't do this. He can't say those things about you. It isn't right.”

Fabian looked distraught. It forced Seb to pull himself together and he got up off the bed, leaving Mark to get his brother to come and sit with them. Sebastian put an arm around Fabian and looked at him.

“It's not right, no,” he confirmed.

Fabian was still crying and Sebastian wondered if he had done the right thing by telling him. Maybe it was too much for him to cope with? Fabian was just a kid, he shouldn't have to hear things like this.

“I'm sorry Fabe. I know it's horrible, I'm sorry.”

“He can't just say things about you. He can't just tell lies and make you sound, sound like that, you're not like that,” choked Fabian.

 

Sebastian gave Fabian's arm a rub like Mark did to help him feel better.

“Don't get upset Fabe, I know it's bad.”

“Aren't you upset?”

“Of course I am, but we can't let him do this to us, we can't give him the satisfaction, alright?”

Fabian nodded and wiped away at his face. He looked at Mark.

“Can't you stop him?”

Mark wondered how Fabian had got it into his head that he was somehow all-powerful. If he was able to stop Heikki he would have put an end to him long ago.

 

“The team are handling it, okay Fabe. That's what we're going to talk about in a bit,” explained Mark.

Sebastian gave his brother a squeeze and looked at him.

“We're not going to let him win, okay?”

“I don't know how he can say that about you. I don't know why he keeps getting at you, stalking you, coming to your house. What's wrong with him?” complained Fabian.

“We don't know either Fabe,” concurred Mark. “You're right, there's something wrong there, something very wrong. But we have to do what Seb says, okay? We can't let him win. We can't let him get to us.”

Fabian nodded and dried his eyes as he calmed down at hearing how reassuring his brother and Mark were.

“Okay,” he agreed.

“Okay then.”

Sebastian gave his brother a hug.

“Don't go looking online, will you?” Sebastian requested.

“I won't, I promise.”

“Thank you. It would just be upsetting. I don't think we're going to look either. He'd want us to look, he'd want us to be upset and we can't give him that.”

 

Fabian nodded, pulling himself together.

“Okay. Is that what they meant about the rumours then? On television when they mentioned something. They weren't talking about your hair?”

“No. I'm pretty sure they were hinting about this,” explained Sebastian.

Fabian frowned in confusion.

“You were laughing about it. How? How didn't it bother you?”

“It did. It does. But I can't let him see that. We can't let him see it get to us,” insisted Seb.

“Right, yeah okay.”

Fabian was looking at his brother, wondering how he managed that.

 

Mark gave him a smile.

“I told you didn't I? Your brother's the toughest person I know.”

Seb smiled up at Mark.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Fabian wasn't about to tease his brother for saying it this time. He suspected they might want to be alone for a bit, so Fabian got up.

“Fabe?”

“Yeah I'm okay. I'm just gonna wash my face.”

Fabian stepped into the tiny bathroom, splashed cold water on his face and dried off, checking that he didn't look too bad before coming back out.

“I'll go and hang out with Nic then,” he offered.

“You don't have to,” relented Sebastian.

“No it's okay. He's funny, I like him.”

 

Mark nodded at Fabian and he knew he was doing the right thing to help support his brother.

“Okay, thanks. Yeah Nic's a really nice guy. Just, don't say anything about all this will you?” reminded Sebastian.

“No of course not.”

“Or to anyone. Even Mum and Dad. I'll have to call them later, just...”

“I won't say anything to anyone,” affirmed Fabian.

“I'll walk you over,” offered Mark.

Fabian pulled a face. Sometimes he was sure people thought he was five years old.

“It's fifty yards down the paddock. I don't think I'll get lost. I won't talk to anyone, especially the media. Okay?”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Sebastian. “I don't know how long we'll be. If you get bored, or if Nic needs to do stuff...”

“I'll send you a text and get a drink in hospitality back here. I'll be alright, you don't need to worry about me,” assured Fabian.

Fabian got firm hugs from his brother and Mark and left them to it.

 

As the door shut behind Fabian, turned to Mark.

“Do you think he'll be okay?”

Mark nodded.

“I think they make Vettels out of stern stuff.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and pressed himself into Mark.

“Thank you.”

“He's like you. He's tough.”

Sebastian wound his arms around Mark and looked up at him.

“I think maybe he is like me. He gets upset too.”

“Of course, that's natural Seb. It's upsetting stuff. It's horrible. It's not something a sixteen year old should have to deal with. It's not something anyone should have to deal with, but it's not how you fall down that matters, it's how you pick yourself up again. Okay darling?”

“Yeah. Okay, thanks. Somebody said that.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah somebody, can't remember who.”

“M. Webber, philosopher,” teased Sebastian.

“I'm very wise,” agreed Mark.

“Comes with age.”

“Oof.”

“Sorry.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head and kissed him.

“How long have we got?”

Sebastian checked.

“Twenty minutes or so.”

“Do you want to lie down for a bit?” Mark suggested.

Seb nodded. God yes he wanted to. He wanted to lie down with Mark for a good few hours, but they still had a way to go to get through today. Sebastian felt totally wrung out.

 

They lay down and squashed together on the little bed, Mark wrapping Sebastian up in his arms and holding him tight. Seb angled his head up from Mark's shoulder to look at him.

“Don't let me fall asleep will you?”

“No darling, I won't. Just have a rest, I've got you.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and kept his arm around Mark's middle, lying partially across him, feeling safer and more secure than he had done since he made the mistake of waking up this morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as Sebastian and Mark exited the room Christian sat back in his chair and puffed out a long breath before looking over at Britta.

“So, what do you think?”

Britta gave a little shrug.

“I think they're right; A libel case would just mean more bad publicity.”

“And no doubt Heikki would revel in the chance to make things as miserable as possible for Seb. Yeah... Okay, well we'll have to leave it to the lawyers to find the quietest way to bring him to book there,” conceded Christian.

“You think we should leave it at that then?”

Christian huffed a mirthless little laugh.

“The team aren't about to put out any kind of official statement on this. Officially we can only promote Seb and put him in whatever good light we can.”

 

Britta heard what he wasn't saying.

“So _unofficially_?”

“Unofficially we are going to do what I said. We finish him. He's done. We gave him every warning and he refused to listen. Heikki is about to learn the hard way that you do not mess with us,” stated Christian.

Britta nodded. Christian could sound almost alarmingly threatening when he wanted to. She suspected that Heikki really was about to regret crossing him. Her too. Britta wasn't about to let this lie. Sebastian brought his problems as her charge, but it seemed as though Heikki was the root cause of most of them. No more.

 

“This is personal for you isn't it?” intuited Britta.

Christian sighed.

“Yes. I suppose it is. We had a viper in our midst and I was too preoccupied to notice. Ahh, I don't know. Seb was just a kid when he joined RedBull. He must have been about the age of Fabian when I first met him. He grew up in the team and I don't think we did a very good job of looking out for him. All we ever worried about was where he was on the timesheet. I think we bare some responsibility, or we ought to.”

“That's not a very F1 way of thinking,” remarked Britta.

“No, well, we are actually human beings even if we pretend not to be most of the time. Seb isn't the only one to put on fronts.” Christian gave Britta a wry smile. “That's strictly between you and me of course.”

Britta smiled and nodded.

“Of course,” she assured.

 

Britta hestitated before asking, but it had been bothering her.

“Christian, all this stuff we think it's Heikki spreading...”

“Mm,” allowed Christian cautioniously.

“I mean it's not true.”

“Of course not.”

“Because I have seen...” Britta paused again, but she had to say it. “Bruises, injuries, stuff Seb was trying to hide, back then. I never said anything. It wasn't my business. I mean I know people obviously do, there are people who are into that kind of stuff, between consensual adults...”

Christian shook his head.

“No. Not Seb.”

“You've asked him?”

“I don't need to. I...” Christian sighed. “I don't need to, okay. I know Seb, you know Seb. Does that sound like him?”

“No I suppose not, so...”

“For godsake don't ask Seb, and please don't ask me,” warned Christian

“No of course not. I wouldn't...”

“You'd be asking me to break confidences.”

“No, sorry.”

 

Britta felt guilty for saying anything, Christian sounded so serious and he obviously knew far more about what had really gone on there. Clearly she was never going to be told what it was. It finally added up in a deeply unpleasant way though; Heikki controlling and isolating Sebastian, Seb having to go so far as to leave the country where he lived to get away from him, staying with Mark, the stalking, how upset he got when anything to do with Heikki came out, how obsessed Heikki seemed to still be with Seb and his continued attempts to torment him.

Bruises. She _had_ seen bruises, carefully hidden, long sleeves pulled down, too many training injuries, excuses, nervousness hidden behind jokes and banter with the media that fell away the moment Seb wasn't on show. She couldn't ask, she could never know for sure, but Britta understood now.

 

“When I thought everything was going perfectly, well it wasn't. I was only looking at the performance and not the person,” admitted Christian.

“I'm sorry too. I knew there was something was wrong there. I saw things. I should have said. I thought I was looking out for Seb,” Britta confessed.

“You're not the only one. Heikki had me fooled, all of us, for far too long. He's a manipulative character, but he's not half as smart as he thinks he is. We're going to stop him. He's going to regret crossing us. I warned him, but he couldn't help himself.”

“So, apart from the lawyers what do we do?”

“Well I'm sure you and the PR team can work on a little image rehabiliation for Seb.”

Britta nodded.

“An in-depth interview maybe, let people get to know him a bit,” she proposed.

“Yes. Not this weekend though. I don't think Seb's in any state to do more than manage to race,” admitted Christian.

“No, but we've a fortnight till the next one. Before then maybe?”

“Yes, that sounds a good idea.”

“And _him_ , Heikki?”

 

Christian let a little smile creep on to his face.

“He's tried to use gossip against Seb. I suggest we turn it back on him.”

“Brief against him?”

“Strictly off the record of course.”

Britta gave a little laugh. There was off the record and there was 'off the record'. It wasn't too hard to give people a nudge in the right direction.

“I'm due to go for a drink with DC and Martin tonight,” noted Christian.

“David does like to talk,” smiled Britta.

“Yes, well he knows when to keep his mouth shut too, so does Martin, but I think I can find a way to...”

Christian opened out his hands. 'Manipulate them' he was avoiding saying.

“People love thinking they've got the inside track,” added Christian. “You never learned it from me, don't tell anyone but, the way I heard it...”

Britta smiled a little wider.

“You want me to drop a word in a few ears?”

“I'm sure you know who to pick,” agreed Christian.

“Yes. Okay, I can do that.”

Britta looked at the smile on her boss's face.

“We're going to crush him aren't we?”

Christian gave a little flick of his eyebrows.

“Heikki's going to wish he'd never come near this team.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb, Mark, and Fabian sat on piled pillows on the floor by the foot of the bed, there was no sofa, only chairs in this room which Mark thought was a terrible oversight by the hotel, but they were making the best of things. Sebastian was leaned into his side, his brother just a few inches further away, clearly wanting to stay close to his older brother.

Fabian was still picking at his plate of room-service food as they watched the film on the large TV in front of them. Mark was pleased that Sebastian had eaten a decent meal, though he had carefully made no comment on it, not wishing to add to the pressure on him on a day that had been filled with far too much stress. Seb still wasn't great, but he was hanging in there and in the circumstances Mark thought that was pretty incredible.

 

Sebastian lifted his head slightly from where he had been resting it on Mark's shoulder and gave his brother a little smile. Fabian was so good. He still felt guilty about shutting him out earlier today and Seb hated that Fabian had got upset when he had finally told him what had been going on. It seemed there was no good course to take there other than reassuring his little brother that he was alright and that they were handling things.

Seb wasn't sure _he_ was really alright. He had managed to do what he needed to do today, he'd got through quali without having a complete disaster, he had succeeded in playing the game with the media and putting on a show of indifference, but the effort had cost him. Sebastian had struggled through the meeting with Christian and Britta, the legal team on speaker giving them an update. They seemed to think they could find a quiet way to shut Heikki down, so that in addition to Seb doing his best to thwart any satisfaction Heikki expected to feel would have to do.

 

Tomorrow he just had to focus on getting the best he could from the race and forget the rest of it. Seb had tried to do that while he sat in the debrief and worked with his engineers as the team went over possible improvements, running through race strategies and potential variations based on weather and any other factors they could envisage. Things weren't without hope for getting a decent result so Sebastian took comfort from that and although he had been tired, once he had started working he had slipped into his automatic mode of absorbing the information and processing it in the same way he always did.

Sebastian had felt pretty much exhausted by the time he got back, but he'd still had to call his parents and his sisters and awkwardly found a way to warn them off the false rumours and assure them that they were being dealt with and that he was okay. Naturally Seb had insisted that he was more okay than he really was, but Seb found it impossible not to do that. Mark had held his hand and said hello just to let them know he was there for Sebastian.

Thank god he was. Sebastian was past caring whether it was weak of him to need Mark to get him through. Seb didn't want to think what today would have been like without Mark by his side. Mark was always there when he needed him.

Seb turned his head in from where he had rested it back down against Mark and gave his shoulder blade a little kiss through his t-shirt and Mark slipped his arm around Seb's back to give his waist a squeeze in return.

 

Fabian pretended not to notice and finished off the last of the fries on his plate. They were mostly cold now, but they tasted alright. He picked up the plate and gathered up the other two on the floor.

“I should put these outside, right?” he checked.

“Yeah, just put them by the door, thanks Fabe,” responded Mark.

Fabian did as instructed and deposited the plates and his glass in the corridor. As he came back in he saw the way his brother and Mark were sat and decided his presence was excess to requirements. He could watch TV in his room, all he'd wanted was to see that Seb was alright and he seemed reasonably okay now, just tired. Mark would look after him, Fabian was certain of that.

“I'm gonna go,” Fabian announced.

Seb sat up a little.

“You don't want to watch the film?” checked Sebastian.

“Nah, I've seen it before. I'm tired. I'm going to get an early night.”

 

It was barely past eight o'clock, but that didn't matter. Mark gave Fabian a little nod and he knew he was doing the right thing.

“So, I'll see you in the morning,” added Fabian.

“Oh, okay. Yeah, same time,” accepted Sebastian.

“I can meet you down there,” Fabian offered.

“No come here.”

“Righto, night then.”

Fabian almost said something along the lines of 'it'll be alright in the morning' but he thought better of it.

“Night Fabe,” chimed Seb and Mark.

 

 

 

 

“Do you think he's alright?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark gave a little nod.

“He's fine.”

He was fairly sure Fabian was tactfully giving them space, but Mark thought that was a pretty mature response. He really was a good kid. Mark felt bad that Fabian had picked a difficult weekend to come along with them, but then it seemed as though they'd had nothing but difficult race weekends for months now.

“I'm pretty tired myself to be honest,” admitted Sebastian.

“Yeah me too.”

 

They switched off the TV and threw the pillows back where they belonged. Seb hauled himself off to go and use the bathroom. While Mark was doing the same afterwards Sebastian sat and fiddled with his ipod that he used sometimes to shut out distractions in the garage and the paddock. He hadn't used it much while he had company this weekend, but he might tomorrow so he checked to see that the battery was charged. The plan was to have as calm a run-up as possible; Get to the track early, run through everything to be fully prepared, get a massage, chill out and be fully race focussed. Mark would take care of Fabian and Sebastian would limit his media contact to the odd little chat on the grid so he didn't appear too closed-off. That should work.

 

Mark came and sat beside him on the edge of the bed.

“Alright?”

Sebastian nodded.

“You want to talk?”

“No not really.”

“Okay,” agreed Mark softly.

Whatever Seb needed was fine.

“Do you want to go to sleep, or...?”

Seb shrugged.

“I dunno. Can we just lie down for a bit?”

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

He took the ipod from Seb's hands and was about to leave it on the side when he spotted the room's speaker dock on the side.

“Why don't we put some music on?” Mark suggested.

“Okay, you choose something,” agreed Sebastian.

 

Mark got up and scrolled through the screen. He smiled at seeing how many Beatles albums Seb had on here. He settled on the 'White Album', vaguely remembering that it was fairly long. He slotted it into the machine and picked up the little remote control to go and sit back on the bed. Mark pressed play and looked over at Sebastian.

“This okay?” he checked.

“Yeah, this is good,” agreed Sebastian.

Something familiar and nostalgic, this was fine. Seb raised up a little and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you for today Liebling.”

Mark scrunched his nose and gave a little shake of his head. It was nothing. Of course he'd be with Seb. Given his way Mark would have been in every team session sat alongside Sebastian making sure he was okay, gone with him in front of the media and told the reporters where they could stick their questions, but that wasn't how this all worked, and Seb had coped. He always did. Mark stroked Sebastian's cheek thinking what a tough little sod he was. He'd get through this like he did everything else that was thrown at him. Mark's job was to support him, just like he'd told Fabian; they did whatever Seb needed to help him through, Seb would do the rest. He always did.

“Come on, let's lie down then,” encouraged Mark.

 

They lay down on top of the bed fully dressed, the fading daylight still coming through the window. Sebastian lay his head on Mark's chest and kept his hand resting on the other side while Mark held him in. He let the music flow over him, soothing Seb in the same way that hearing Mark's steady heartbeat did.

Mark closed his eyes, relieved to feel the tension gone from Sebastian's body, the pulse under the skin slowed. They didn't need to talk.

They were doing fine, each thinking they might just drift off like this until they got to the eleventh track. Mark looked down to see Seb was silently crying and his heart broke a little at the sight. He didn't tell him not to cry, but blinked away his own tears and lifted his head to kiss Sebastian's hair before resting his cheek down against it.

“It's okay,” Mark whispered. “It'll be okay.”

It was dark outside now, Mark wondered if they should just go to sleep. He thought about the song they were listening to and considered whether it wasn't rather too close to the bone.

“Shall I switch it off?”

Seb shook his head slightly and swallowed to push away the tears.

“Play it again,” he requested as the track finished.

 

Mark turned slightly to pick up the remote and pressed repeat. Sebastian shuffled up slightly to rest on his shoulder and they looked at one another, listening to the music. Seb tried not to think about anything else for a moment and simply appreciate how beautiful this song was. Mark raised a hand and gently pushed the wetness from under Seb's eyes with his thumb.

“You'll be free. He doesn't win sweetheart, you win.”

Sebastian gave a little nod. Mark only said what he believed to be true, he never lied to him. Seb had to believe it too. It was a new day tomorrow and they could make of it what they chose; be defeated and broken, or rise and be free. Maybe he had been waiting for this moment.

“ _We_ win,” emphasised Seb.

“Yes, we win,” echoed Mark softly. “We win darling, we win.”

 

Sebastian stared into Mark's warm eyes and smiled. No more crying over _him_ , no more letting him win. He was no longer going to have a hold over them. He didn't win. They won.

Seb pressed in and kissed Mark, closing his eyes and feeling Mark's hand slide to hold the back of his head. He sighed out of the kiss eventually and rested his head down in the crook of Mark's neck, Mark kissing his forehead and settling in like that. 

“Mein Fels,” sighed Sebastian.

“Yeah, that's right darling. Always.”

Sebastian closed his eyes again. He was so tired.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark angled his head further round to check.

“Seb?”

He spoke quietly, but saw not a stir. Seb was fast asleep, no point waking him. Mark lifted him very carefully away and rested him down on the pillow. He undid Seb's jeans and pulled them off so he could be comfortable, but only removed his socks beyond that, doing the same for himself. Sebastian had barely moved in response. He was dead to the world, exhausted after today. Mark reflected that was no surprise really, he was amazed that Seb had got through today at all, but then Seb amazed him all the time.

Mark switched off the ipod, closed the curtains and found a way to tug the duvet from underneath Seb without disturbing him and pulled it over both of them, setting his head down on the same pillow. Mark gave Sebastian a little kiss on his nose and Seb finally snuffled slightly in response, making Mark smile. He settled in next to him and put his arm around Seb to make sure he stayed close. It was only a little after nine, but Mark was tired too, maybe a good night's sleep would help in more ways than one.

It was a new day tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

**"Blackbird"**

**The Beatles, White Album**

 

Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.  
  
Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.  
  
Blackbird fly, blackbird fly  
Into the light of the dark black night.  
  
Blackbird fly, blackbird fly  
Into the light of the dark black night.  
  
Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love that song


	68. Roll Of The Dice  (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was intended to be the final part of this chapter, but I had to split it (yet again) because it was too long. Anyway, here we are; Sunday, Race Day...

* * *

 

 

 

 

Mark woke and the first conscious thought that went through his head was that Seb wasn't lying under his arm as he had been when he had fallen asleep. He opened his eyes and looked. Seb wasn't in their bed. For a moment Mark worried, but as he sat up he saw Sebastian stood looking out of the window where it was only just getting light. He peeled back the duvet and went over to stand with Seb.

 

“Hey, you alright?” asked Mark.

Sebastian turned slightly.

“Mm, yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you,” he apologised.

Mark gave a little shake of his head dismissing it and moved to stand behind Seb, wrapping his arms around Sebastian's waist and sinking his chin down on Seb's shoulder.

“It's raining,” noted Mark as he looked out of the window.

 

The previous bright blue skies that had dominated the weekend had been replaced by leaden cloud cover and it was currently pouring with rain. Seb had been watching it fall steadily for the past five minutes. It was all you could hear apart from a few birds calling at the dawn and Seb had been concentrating on listening to that and trying to feel peaceful as he contemplated the day ahead of him, knowing it was probably the only quiet moment he would get all day.

 

“Yeah,” sighed Sebastian. “All I need today.”

Mark shook his head against him.

“Nah, you're good in the wet,” he insisted.

“Hmm, I could just do with things being straight-forward.”

“A wet race opens up the possibilities though, you never know what might happen at Spa when it's like this,” suggested Mark.

“Mm, spose,” conceded Sebastian, trying not to think of some of past races here where anything _had_ happened and it was usually complete pandemonium.

 

“Work on a clean getaway and try not to get lost in the pack. Stay way from all Lotus cars,” warned Mark.

Seb turned his head and gave Mark an ironic smile. He knew all about the potential hazards, especially here. The run into La Source was notoriously dangerous and images flashed into Seb's mind of the crazy pile-ups that had occurred there in the past; 1998, 2012. He could do without 2015 joining that list.

“Especially a flying Lotus,” agreed Sebastian.

“Mm, yeah. Just don't crash at the start,” advised Mark.

Sebastian forgot his worries as he heard that and was his mood was suddenly lifted. He turned further to laugh at Mark.

“Excellent racing tip; _Don't crash._ I knew there was a reason I was with you.”

Mark pulled a face and shrugged back, a grin sneaking onto his lips.

“Hey if you don't want the wisdom of all my many years of experience...”

“Many, many years,” teased Seb.

 

He flinched out of the way as Mark resorted to tickling Sebastian's side.

“Ah, _Mark_ ,” protested Sebastian.

He turned properly to pout at him, but Mark was grinning and Seb couldn't maintain his attempt to look put out. Seb slipped his arms around Mark's neck and Mark readjusted his hold around Sebastian's middle, settling his linked hands at the base of his spine and pulling Seb back in.

“You'll be fine today, okay? The weather doesn't matter, you're the difference,” reassured Mark.

Sebastian nodded. Mark was right, poor weather did throw things up in the air and it might just give him a chance he might not have from sixth in dry conditions. The car's set-up yesterday had been a compromise as the team already expected a change today.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Kein problem.”

Mark leaned in to give him a kiss.

“You know we'll be there supporting you, me and Fabe,” reminded Mark.

“Yeah I know, thank you. I'll try my best, see what happens.”

“Of course you will. I know that. Don't let anything else distract you, okay darling? Eyes on the prize.”

“Yeah.”

 

Seb looked solemn again and Mark tried a little smile on him.

“Just put everything else out of your mind.”

Mark moved a hand to gently stroke it from the top of Sebastian's head down the side, drawing all the bad stuff that lurked there away, then kissed Seb again.

Seb dropped his head sideways onto Mark's shoulder and let out a long sigh.

“I don't want to let him get to me, not today,” Seb admitted.

“No. Well if you decide not to let him then he can't,” asserted Mark.

“Hmm, I guess.”

Sebastian had been thinking about what Henry always used to say while he looked out at the slowly lightening sky; It was his choice whether or not he allowed Heikki to maintain his hold on him. He could be free in his mind if Seb made the choice to be free.

 

“He's tried everything now. He tried going to the papers and the lawyers put a halt to it. No one will touch him now, I'm sure the legal team are going to make it very clear they'd regret it if they did. He's tried to undermine you with sick twisted lies and you showed him that hasn't worked either. It doesn't matter if you were faking it, that's what he will have seen and the rest of the world too. No one will believe a word that he says now. That was his last roll of the dice. He tried and he failed. He loses, you win.”

“Yeah, okay, I know you're right.”

“He's tried to keep you afraid of what he might do, but what can he do now?”

 

Sebastian thought about it. What could Heikki do that he hadn't already tried? Nothing really. He could try breaking the restraining order again, but he'd never dare come near a track and Seb was pretty sure that Heikki wouldn't risk coming to the house now that he was living with Mark. Even if he did, even if Heikki tried coming when Mark was away, Seb knew he would have the dogs with him.

Seb lifted his head up to look at Mark.

“If he came to the house now I'd call the police. I don't care if it got out, people know about him now, it'd only make him look bad,” insisted Sebastian.

Mark frowned and shook his head.

“He'd never come to the house Seb, he's a coward.”

He'd better not, thought Mark, because if Heikki made that mistake, Mark wasn't sure he would be able to stop himself from doing what he really wanted to do to Heikki and put an end to him for good.

“Yeah but if he did.”

“He wouldn't,” insisted Mark very firmly. “Besides, if he did, Shadow and Simba would eat him up. I'll have a word.”

 

Sebastian smiled at that. He could just see Mark having a little chat with their dogs to let them know Heikki was on the menu.

“Are you going to show them a picture so they know who to look for?”

“Nah mate, they're smart creatures, they'd know him again. They'd smell his foul stench a mile off and they'd chew him up.”

“They'd sick him back out again,” noted Sebastian.

Mark smiled at the distraction from his more serious thoughts towards Heikki.

“Yeah mate, they would, they're very discerning our boys.”

 

Mark gave Sebastian a squeeze, not wanting Seb to have Heikki in his head today.

“Come back to bed, we've got a while before we have to get ready.”

Sebastian nodded and they climbed back into bed. He lay down partly over Mark but it didn't feel right, so Seb pulled his t-shirt off and gave Mark a little look. Mark smiled and nodded, sitting back up to do the same.

Seb lay back in, appreciating the nice feeling of lying skin on skin. Mark was nice and warm, Seb rubbed his cheek over his chest and up to his shoulder, then turned to softly kiss his collar-bone. Mark was smiling and stroking his hands over Seb's skin. As Seb worked upwards, Mark moved his head in to capture Sebastian's lips.

 

Seb pulled away, sighing as he rested his head back on the pillow, looking at Mark.

“Race weekend,” he cautioned.

“I know darling, that's okay.”

Mark raised an eyebrow and slid Sebastian a little grin.

“I can think of other things we could do.”

“Hm?”

“Might relax you, set you up for the day?”

Seb laughed against him.

“Mmm, that is tempting,” Seb admitted.

“I should hope so,” teased Mark.

“Mm.”

Mark stroked a hand lower, sneaking it under the edge of Seb's underwear.

“So?” pressed Mark.

“Mmm,” smiled Sebastian.

Very tempting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark and Fabian sat in hospitality sipping their drinks and half-watching the big screen TVs that were showing the pre-race build up. One or two comments had been made about Sebastian, but they were mostly talking about how he seemed to have come back rejuvenated by his holiday and was almost back to his old self off the track if not on it after a relatively poor showing yesterday.

“The flame seems undimmed,” joked Johnny on-screen.

Simon took the hint and nodded.

“Yes of course Sebastian has his support here as ever. Mark seems a permanent feature of the RedBull garage these days, almost as much as he was when he was actually racing for them,” remarked Simon. “And Seb's younger brother is here once again I believe, so that will no doubt help his mood.”

 

“They're talking about us,” commented Fabian, sounding surprised.

Mark laughed.

“Yeah mate, they are. I told you, people notice. It's important.”

Fabian nodded.

“Will you be there for all his races?” he enquired.

Mark sighed.

“I'd like to be, but the autumn gets a bit crazy and we'll be racing all around the world, so we'll have to be apart a bit. To be honest mate I'm not looking forward to it, neither is Seb,” Mark admitted.

“Oh. I'm sorry, no I understand. I know you'd rather be there,” assured Fabian.

“That's okay. We'll be at the next couple in Europe for each other and I'll be in Japan with him, but after that we're a bit screwed.”

“That sucks.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah mate, couldn't agree more. We'll be okay. We'll see as much of each other as we can and it's only a few weeks.”

“I guess you'll be looking forward to the end of the season?”

“By November, yeah. I love racing, so does Seb, but yeah by then we'll be looking forward to the break,” confirmed Mark.

Fabian nodded again, wondering if it was selfish to hope that his brother and Mark might still fit in a visit to them in Germany in the autumn.

 

 

They resumed watching the television and sipping their drinks as a feature played out on the history of the races at Spa-Francorchamps that revealed a few things that even Mark didn't know. He did like these classic tracks and he knew that Sebastian appreciated them too, perhaps that might help today, it certainly couldn't hurt.

 

The programme returned from an ad-break to show the Sky team lined up ready to talk to Christian at the edge of the RedBull garage.

It didn't show the conversation that had taken place moments before the cameras were pointed at him when Christian had been chatting with Martin and the group. He hadn't had to bring the matter up. Just as Christian had predicted; a few well placed words here and there and Heikki was the talk of the paddock, but not in the way he had planned.

 

“It's sad really. I'd feel sorry for him, but...”

Christian shrugged and the group gave knowing nods of the head as they thought about what they had heard. It sounded as though the pathetic attempts to drag Sebastian's name into the mud were now well-known to have originated from the deranged and bitter ex. Martin had mentioned it first thing this morning, strictly off-the-record of course, and naturally they hadn't mentioned it to anyone, but Ted had heard the same from his former cameraman at the Beeb when they were getting a coffee and confirmed it when he came back.

Johnny had told them he'd had a chat with one of his old mechanics at Sauber and he'd been told that word was the guy's photo was circulated at all tracks to ensure he was watched out for by security in case he ever tried to stalk Sebastian again. 'A potentially dangerous fruitloop' was the description according to Little Al. Made you wonder why on earth Seb had been with him in the first place, but Al had heard it from Tony on Daniel's side of the garage that Heikki never seemed that way when he was working for the team, so it must have been the split that sent him over the edge. Anyway that was what everyone was saying, not that you should repeat that to anyone else.

 

As the cameras flicked on, Simon welcomed the audience back and introduced Christian. The group had a chat about the weather and how the Renault engine might benefit from the Mercedes engine not being able to take their normal advantage.

“That's certainly possible, of course our drivers will be working to make the most of any opportunities, whatever the weather,” agreed Christian affably.

“Absolutely, and although neither one had stunning qualifying sessions yesterday you're confident they're well set for today?” asked Simon.

“Of course.”

“Seb isn't bothered, by, well, any external distractions?”

Christian huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“Seb is far more interested in getting a good result today than any ridiculous tittle-tattle.”

“Of course, of course,” back-tracked Simon.

“We know what the paddock is like,” agreed Martin calmly. “You don't get to be four-time world champion by being someone whose mind isn't on the task in hand. I'm sure Sebastian is more concerned with how those new wing-flaps help him in the corners.”

“I've no doubt,” concurred Christian.

“And on that note we have Ted, who's very kindly been let loose in the RedBull garage to have a look at them. Look, but don't touch, Ted,” joked Simon as the shot cut to another camera homing in on Ted Kravitz crouched down by Daniel's car, very carefully examining a minute variation in a few of inches of carbon-fibre and pointing at the flimsy edges with a biro as he started to expand to the waiting viewers on how they had changed from the last race.

 

As the camera light went off and the operator lowered it to check something. Johnny leant in towards Christian, speaking quietly.

“This chap sounds unbalanced,” speculated Johnny.

“I couldn't possibly comment.”

Christian was careful not to smile as he excused himself and moved on to speak to another television broadcaster.

 

 

 

Christian stood in the pitlane reflecting that this was his job almost as much as running the team, he was an official mouthpiece, but he was currently speaking _unofficially_. He made sure that the camera was nowhere near them and leant in confidentially.

“Of course you didn't get this from me, but I heard he just lost his job. That can do funny things to a person.”

He wondered if Heikki had received that phone-call. Maybe he hadn't, but Christian had certainly made a few and if Heikki didn't know it yet, he was about to find out.

 

 

 

 

Christian finished speaking to the BBC crew and grinned at David as the filmed section ended and the group moved to the side of the pitlane.

“None the worse for wear this morning DC?”

“Ha, no I can't drink like I used to. Curse of passing forty.”

“Too true,” agreed Christian.

“Seb's alright then?” enquired Suzi.

“Yeah he's fine. Seb's made of Teflon,” assured Christian confidently.

“I take it you're dealing with it?” pushed Eddie.

“Ah he's old news. Nothing to worry about,” dismissed Christian lightly, knowing exactly what was being referred to.

“Hm, well he sounds off his rocker to me.”

David laughed and clapped a hand down on Eddie's shoulder.

“And coming from EJ that's saying something.”

Christian laughed along and did nothing to deny the impression. The looked at his watch.

“I'd love to stay and chat, but some of us have a real job to do. See you on the flip-side.”

Christian walked away and saw how their heads bowed together in discussion again the moment he left. So far, so good.

 

 

 

Mark saw the way Fabian was frowning having seen his brother being mentioned.

“You okay?” checked Mark.

Fabian squashed his face about and shrugged.

“They were on about it again, weren't they? That's what they meant; the rumours about Seb.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. It's alright though Fabe. No one believes it do they?” assured Mark.

“Mm, okay.”

“None of the people that matter, anyway, it'll fizzle out on the internet, so don't worry about that. Twitter has the attention-span of a gnat, so forget it, because they will. Everyone knows it's bullshit, just like Seb said, alright mate?”

“Yeah alright,” agreed Fabian.

Mark regarded Seb's little brother and spoke quietly so that no one around them could hear.

“Look, you know Heikki is a very bad person. He was trying to hurt Seb in the only way he could, but it's not worked. The only way it can work now is if it gets to Seb, but we can't let that happen can we?”

“No,” replied Fabian resolutely.

“So we help Seb. We help him carry on, we help him get through this because that's how he wins. That's how we make sure that bastard loses. Are you with me Fabe?”

Fabian nodded firmly. He wanted to whatever it took to help his brother.

“Yeah, of course I am.”

“Good, so we don't listen to any rumours, we don't look online, we don't give that bastard the slightest satisfaction by being affected by anything he's tried. Right?”

“Right.”

“Seb's gonna be fine,” assured Mark.

“And we'll be supporting him,” added Fabian.

Mark smiled.

“Yeah mate we will. I know that'll make all the difference for Seb today. He's very glad that you're here.”

 

Mark saw how pleased Fabian looked to hear that and decided that more television might not help.

“Tell you what, now it's dried up a bit why don't we get some fresh air and have a wander?”

“Yeah okay.”

Fabian perked up as they rose from their seats and headed through the doors.

“Can I get a waffle?”

“Can for me mate, though I don't know where you put it all. Didn't we just have breakfast?”

Fabian shrugged happily.

“Mum always says I've got hollow legs.”

“Mm, yeah, sounds about right,” agreed Mark.

Fabian was more like Seb than he knew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood around waiting for the drivers' parade to begin. The whole grid was gathered undercover an an area out of the way while the classic cars were fetched to line up on the start-finish straight ready to ferry them around to obediently wave to the crowd.

Britta had deposited him here before walking off and Seb could see her talking to a journalist just outside in the pitlane, sheltering under an awning and clearly having a confidential little chat. It wasn't the first time Seb had noticed something similar this morning. Christian told him what they were up to, but Seb hadn't asked for any of the details. Mostly he didn't want to know as long as it worked. So far Britta had merely reassured him that she was handling things and she had been getting a read of opinion. Feeding back that the majority view was that Seb seemed to have become hardened to the worst of the rumour-mill and that the gossip was now being largely dismissed as malicious. Sebastian had been reassured that his team were backing him up and been promised that whilst they were playing Heikki at his own game, they weren't actually stooping to his level and entirely making things up, instead merely hinting at what they believed to be true and letting people draw their own conclusions, which folk were only too happy to share of course.

 

 

The reporter tucked in further away from the dripping edge of the roof and Britta glanced around as if checking no one else was within earshot.

“Okay look, this is off the record,” Britta started.

“Do you mean off the record, or _off the record_?” checked the reporter.

Britta was tempted to tell him to use his imagination, but clearly this one needed things spelling out.

“I mean if you quote me, or in any way indicate this came from me or anyone in the team you will lose all privileges.”

“Right, okay fair enough, so?”

“So...”

Britta glanced about again and leant in so close she was almost whispering in his ear. She didn't allow herself to smile, but the slightly guilty truth was she was enjoying this.

 

 

 

Seb had turned his attention from watching whatever Britta was up to and pulled his earphones off to chat with Daniel and Lewis. As Daniel turned to speak to someone else, Lewis leaned in to speak quietly.

“So, um, you seem okay.”

“Yeah I'm alright,” agreed Sebastian.

“Mm, I mean...” Lewis paused awkwardly. “You know why I'm asking?”

“Yeah. It's okay. It's all bullshit. You know that right?”

“Of course. I um, well I heard it was that guy started it.”

Lewis wasn't quite sure how to refer to Heikki. He wasn't even certain if he was really an ex-boyfriend or not, as they'd never discussed it. Lewis had guessed how sensitive a subject it was for Seb and he was always very suspicious of anything he heard second-hand or in the media.

“...the one who was following you about,” specified Lewis, trying not to put his foot in it.

Sebastian nodded.

“We don't know for sure, but yeah. It's not great obviously, but I'm glad you didn't think it could be true.”

Lewis shook his head.

“Course. Haters gonna hate, right?”

 

Seb nodded again. Not quite how he'd put it, but he knew what Lewis meant.

“I hope you don't mind, but I said something on Twitter about it?” added Lewis.

Sebastian looked surprised.

“You didn't need to do that.”

Lewis shrugged.

“It applies to all of us. I just said that people should be careful what they believe and even more careful what they say. I wasn't specifically talking about you.”

“Oh right. Well thank you. That's very kind. I meant to say as well; You will thank Nic for me if I don't see him, won't you? I really appreciate him looking out for Fabe for a bit yesterday when we were busy.”

“Ah well I think Nic was glad of the company to be honest. They've got quite a lot in common don't they?”

“Yeah, poor things, being our brothers,” joked Sebastian.

Lewis laughed.

“Yeah. Must suck big time.”

 

Daniel returned to them and they went back to polite chit-chat and joking about their relative skills on the PS4 from the other night. Sebastian was just wondering if they were having to dry off the cars and that was why this was taking so long, when Perez wandered past and smiled at him. It wasn't a good smile.

Perez looked at Daniel and Lewis. He leaned in slightly, but spoke loudly enough for everyone else to hear.

“Are you going to beat Seb today? Because I hear that's what he likes.” he hissed.

Sebastian felt as though he had just been punched in the stomach. He couldn't believe anyone could behave like that. Everyone was looking at him, one or two not hiding smirks very well.

“What the fuck man?” challenged Lewis.

Daniel stood taller.

“Why don't you learn to shut up?”

 

Seb forced himself to look Sergio in the eye. He couldn't appear weak. Not in front of all his rivals. He couldn't let them see how someone saying that left him feeling exposed and vulnerable, how it reminded him of horrific real things in his past that were no kind of joke.

Sebastian put his mask on and instead of giving in to letting himself get upset, he turned those feeling around into anger. No more was he going to take being bullied and publicly humiliated, no more was Seb going to let people just say what they wanted to try to hurt him. No more. He looked Sergio in the eye.

“You know what _Checo_ , why don't you go fuck yourself?”

 

Perez looked surprised to get such a strong response from Seb and he was trying to think of a repost, when of all people, Kimi, appeared by Sergio's side.

“Or are you waiting for him to fuck you on the track? Because that's what usually happens isn't it?” noted Kimi, in a voice most unlike his trademark mumble.

He'd spoken quite loud enough for all to hear and the room filled with slightly stunned laughter as Perez stalked away humiliated.

 

The most stunned of all was Sebastian. He tried to think of something to say, but Kimi dissolved back into the crowd from whence he had appeared and Seb was left looking at his companions who were still laughing.

Lewis patted Seb on the back.

“Oh my god. That was...” Lewis shook his head, smiling. “I never thought I'd see the day.”

Daniel grinned happily.

“Ha, yeah that told him. What a dick.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian still catching up with what had just happened.

 

Someone came into the garage and started taking drivers to their cars. Lewis leaned in to Seb.

“Can't let people like that get to you.”

“No.”

“I thought you weren't even that pally with Kimi these days?”

“Neither did I.”

 

 

Sebastian sat on the still slightly damp back of the rear seat of his parade car and waved to the crowd, holding on tight with his other hand as he still felt slightly off-balance at what had occurred in the holding area. A paranoid part of his brain traitorously wondered if the crowd might react differently to him today, but he couldn't detect any sign. They didn't cheer for him like they did Lewis, but he never expected that. It wasn't raining any more which was something, but Seb could see dark clouds lurking on the horizon. Anything could happen today, he'd already had evidence of that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian came back to meet Mark and Fabian so he could walk to the garage with them before the race. He had a few spare minutes left so he had a little sit down in hospitality with them. When Fabian popped to the bathroom Seb recounted what had happened to Mark. He knew it was keeping something back from his brother again, but reconciled himself that it would only upset him.

“He said _what?”_

Mark looked furious.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No but it's okay.”

“Hmm.”

Mark still wasn't happy. He'd better not cross paths with Perez in the paddock today or it would not end well.

He pushed that to one side, seeing that Seb had taken more from the encounter than an entirely negative experience.

“It was good you told him where to go though,” noted Mark, wanting to keep things as positive as possible in the run up to the race.

“Yeah. I can't believe Kimi. Where do you think that came from?” wondered Sebastian, still slightly in shock that his former friend would stick up for him out of the blue after all this time.

“Mm, well he's got a lot to make up for hasn't he. Now's a good a time as any to start.”

 

Seb nodded, still thinking things through. He wasn't sure if he could turn things around and suddenly go back to being friends with Kimi after all that had happened, but he was grateful.

“Yeah. I'm still not really sure how to think about him.”

Mark shrugged, not caring much about Kimi, only that Seb should be okay.

“Well don't worry about it now. Let's just take it as a good thing, right?”

“Yeah. Dan and Lewis stuck up for me too,” added Seb.

“I'd expect no less. They're good guys.”

“True. Anyway, think I want to forget it now.”

 

Mark nodded again. Time to focus on the race.

Fabian returned and they had a little chat about the classic car Seb had been given instead. Sebastian checked the time and thought that he really ought to go and change into his race-suit. He was about to get up when his phone beeped in his pocket and he pulled it out to check the text. Mark and Fabian were looking at him and Seb glanced back up.

“It's Lewis.”

Mark frowned wondering what Lewis would be texting shortly before a race.

“Is he wishing you luck?” asked Fabian.

“Um, no.”

Seb turned the phone around and offered it over the table to show them both.

 

LEWIS: I know you're not on twitter, but I thought you might be interested in what I posted just now. Not all of it applies of course, but anyway, here it is.

**http://tinyurl.com/m89lvxn**

 

Sebastian tapped on the link, expecting it to be the message warning about minding what people believed and said, but it wasn't.

**  
**

 

Mark watched Sebastian's face settle into an expression of at first slight surprise, then concentration as he studied his phone. He frowned as Seb sat back in his chair, his face now difficult to read.

“What is it?” enquired Mark.

Sebastian handed the phone over for the two of them to read.

Fabian pulled a face.

“He's sent you a _poem?”_

Seb shrugged.

“It's what he put on his Twitter today apparently. It's on his helmet. I always thought it was Tupac, but maybe it's both.”

He shrugged again and Mark handed the phone back allowing Seb to read it again. Lewis was right; maybe not all of it applied, but some of the lines were only too close to the truth. That first verse especially, that was him, Seb knew it.

 

“Okay?” checked Mark seeing Seb's face.

“Yeah. Yeah, nice of him I guess.”

“Some other guy sending you poetry. Should I be worried?”

Seb rolled his eyes, pulling back from thinking about the subject of the poem.

“Psh. No don't be silly, he also sent it to however many million followers he has these days.”

“Yeah I know. I'm only kidding. It was thoughtful of him.”

“Yeah it was.”

Sebastian texted back.

 

SEB: Thank you. Good luck today. I feel really bad about sending Fabe round to spy on Mercedes yesterday now ;)

 

A little smile crept onto his face and Seb saw Mark wondering why, so he showed them the message he had just sent. Mark smiled and shook his head.

“You're joking right?” checked Fabian.

Mark winked at Seb and gave Fabian a grin.

“Did you find out anything good for us?”

“About Mercedes?”

“Mm.”

Fabian shrugged.

“They've got better cake.”

Mark and Sebastian laughed and Seb quickly updated his text.

 

SEB: Fabe says all he learned was Merc have better cake  :-/

LEWIS: You need to train him to be a sneakier spy. I'll send Nic your way next time.

LEWIS: P.S. Don't go telling anyone I sent you that. Toto would kill me. Good luck

 

Sebastian looked up.

“Right, I really need to change now.”

 

They left Fabian for a few minutes and headed up. Once in their room Seb checked something with Mark, all the while changing as he didn't have much time until Britta was due to meet them.

“You're not really jealous are you?”

Mark shook his head.

“Nah mate, course not. Don't need to be do I?”

“No of course not,” insisted Sebastian. “You can see the rest of the texts if you like?”

Mark shook his head.

“I don't need to Seb, I was teasing. You don't have to show me your messages. I trust you.”

 

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“I was teasing. It was just a nice thing he did. Although I never took Lewis for a poetry fan.”

“Mm, yeah,” agreed Sebastian, still slightly glad to be reassured. “Besides. I could never fancy Lewis.”

“Why not? What's wrong with Lewis?” asked Mark, pretending to look affronted on Lewis' behalf.

Seb was about to make a joke, but instead he finished doing up his race-suit and looked at Mark more seriously.

“He's not you.”

 

Mark stepped in and placed a hand on Seb's cheek for a moment as they stared at one another.

“Well...”

Mark smiled, unable to think what to say.

“Also he's not gay,” grinned Sebastian.

“Well that is a clinching argument, I grant you,” agreed Mark, moving his hand to Seb's arm.

Seb shrugged.

“I consider the former point pretty important.”

“That's very reassuring darling.”

Mark leaned in and gave Seb a kiss.

“Right, you ready then?”

“Yep, let's go.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was spitting with rain again as they made their way down the paddock, Mark carrying a giant umbrella over him and Seb, as Fabian shared with Britta, both gripping the brollies firmly to withstand the squally wind. They walked quickly, making it clear they were on a mission and although plenty of people looked their way, no one approached. Seb concentrated on thinking about the weather rather than let himself consider why people were staring and what they might have read about him.

 

 

With only a few minutes to go before the off, Sebastian and Mark stole a moment out at the back of the garage once more.

“All set then?”

Seb nodded.

“Think this weather's going to be on and off all the way through.”

“Mm, well you can't do anything about that. You'll be fine. Just remember what I said, okay.”

“Don't crash?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well that, but I meant you. You're the difference. I know you're going to go great today,” insisted Mark.

Sebastian puffed out a long breath and he nodded.

“Okay.”

 

Mark read the slight tension in Seb and he wanted to reassure him. Part of Mark wanted to remind Seb not to let Heikki get to him today, not to let what he had done bother him or affect his form. He was tempted to say that if Sebastian went well in the race today that would really show Heikki where to go. But he stopped himself. Mark didn't want to mention Heikki at all. He didn't want his evil presence anywhere near Seb, even in spirit, so he left it out. Instead Mark wrapped Sebastian tightly in his arms and squeezed him.

“You've got this.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark tried to think what the best thing was to say, then stopped worrying about it and just said the only thing that really mattered.

“I love you.”

Sebastian looked into Mark's lovely warm eyes and felt all the tension drop from him. He pushed up and kissed Mark.

“I love you too.”

“I know.”

Mark lowered his forehead into Seb's and Sebastian closed his eyes to appreciate the feeling of Mark being with him. Just to hold onto that feeling for one more moment.

 

He didn't want to move away but he had to. It was time.

Seb knew he had done all he could. He had Mark and Fabian here supporting him. He hadn't allowed himself to be distracted by what Seb would only allow himself to refer to as 'the bad stuff' in his head to prevent worries to unravel there. He wasn't going to let that all in again. Not today. He'd made his choice; no more letting Heikki do that to him, no more giving him free reign in his head, no more letting him win.

 

So forget all that. Close it out entirely and focus instead on the task ahead. The team seemed well-prepared and confident. Everything that could be controlled had been. The one thing they couldn't control was the weather. As Sebastian tore himself away from Mark and headed back through to get into the car he saw the continued drizzle falling in the pitlane. Interval tyres were fitted on the car and as Seb glanced at the weather radar screen he could see more potential rain on the horizon, but there was no certainty as to how it would fall or when. Everything was up in the air, quite literally.

Sebastian turned and gave a last look to his brother and Mark, he prepared himself with his team, spoke with his engineers and Christian, shook hands with his mechanics and nodded good luck to Daniel across the garage.

All set. No more he could do now. Time to head out there and see if he could do what Mark said and be the difference.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark watched the television screens in the garage as the presenters finished up their rehashed discussion of the previous year's drama between Lewis and Nico here at Spa. Mark could have told them that Seb said Lewis had informed him that Niki himself had sat the two drivers down and given them the hard line on the subject, telling them that they had better behave themselves in the race today or else. Seb hadn't been entirely clear on what 'or else' implied, but even Mark wasn't sure he would want to cross Niki Lauda and find out.

Mark took it as some comfort that it ought to improve the chances of a sensible run off the line. He didn't want to admit it, but Mark was incredibly nervous for the start today. Race starts were always worrying, but Spa was something else and Mark was trying not to think about the dangers here. He was failing miserably of course, but as Fabian looked up at him, Mark gave a reassuring smile. The screen had cut to show the cars pulling up on the grid with all the teams fussing around them.

“It's Seb,” pointed out Fabian excitedly.

“Yeah mate.”

The TV grid-walks were underway and Mark could see Sebastian preparing to give a few interviews to appease the media before the race.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian checked that the mechanics seemed confident with all they were doing and that the car seemed okay. He turned to face Tanja who had stuck her head under the awning protecting the car and the team from the intermittent light rain for a little chat. Seb nodded and smiled at her, she was on the media list Britta had agreed for today.

He restricted their talk to a few positive sound-bites about seeing what opportunities presented themselves today and making the most of them and then joked about how up and down the weather had been this weekend and how Tanja really ought to have re-thought her footwear for today.

 

Seb had a few words with Martin Brundle, all the while trying not to let on that Sebastian could see in his eyes that Martin wasn't asking him all the questions he wanted to, but Martin was too long in this game not to know that going into tough topics was not acceptable on the grid right before a race.

“Well thanks Seb. I hope to see you later.”

“Hm?”

“I'm doing the podium interviews as well,” explained Martin.

“Ah,” nodded Seb. “Save me a spot will you?”

Martin chuckled.

“Feeling confident then?”

“Let's say optimistic shall we?”

Martin smiled.

“Quite so. Well, good luck today. Hopefully I'll see you up there.”

He turned away from the camera and Sebastian pretended not to listen as Martin walked away

“If only the weather was as bright as that young man seems this weekend. With the Williams not so great in wet conditions I wouldn't put it past Sebastian making good on his ambition to reach the podium today. Oh look there's Charlie, let's see if he'll talk to us, watch your back there Pete.”

Martin strode off purposefully and his cameraman dodged the trolley being pushed past. Sebastian turned his attention back to the car and got reassuring nods from the guys. All looking good. He was just about to climb in, when David appeared, nosing his way through the small crowd surrounding the car.

 

“Seb, got a moment?” tried David.

“Mm, just the one,” allowed Sebastian.

“So Spa is living up to it's name and giving us all a good soaking.”

Seb looked at David's soggy shoulders and chuckled.

“Mm, yeah, think you need a bigger brolly mate.”

DC grinned at hearing the phrase, thinking how Seb and Mark were rubbing off on one another in more ways than one.

“Think I need a little tent like you've got.”

Seb shrugged.

“We'll be drenched by the end of the installation lap, so I'm not sure why we bother really, but never mind, guess it's good that the mechanics stay dry.”

“Gotta look after your guys. Well I've no doubt you'll forget all about being soaked when you see the five lights go out.”

“For sure, yeah. You know what it's like, the only thing that exists in your mind at that point is getting a good getaway,” asserted Sebastian.

“Mm indeed. I'm sure your supporters in the garage will be hoping you get a good start today,” suggested DC.

Seb laughed.

“Well I should certainly hope so, yes.”

He grinned and gave a little wave to the camera.

 

David smiled, thinking that for all he teased them about it, Seb and Mark's relationship was really rather sweet. Those rumours from yesterday were so obviously complete rubbish.

“Mark give you any tips for today then?” teased DC.

Sebastian forced his face to look more serious.

“Mm, yeah he said 'don't crash'.”

David stared at him.

“ _Don't crash?”_

“Yep.”

Sebastian was struggling to keep his face straight.

“Sterling advice,” agreed DC.

The pair of them cracked up laughing.

“Hey, don't knock it. I can think of one or two drivers who could use reminding,” noted David.

“Hm, well if I can take his advice and go well today I'll know who to thank.”

Seb still sounded light-hearted, but that last bit he meant in all seriousness. Seb knew he would never have been in such a good place after his nightmare day yesterday without Mark supporting him. Support didn't begin to cover all that Mark did for him.

“Let's hope so. Well I'd better let you get on. Thanks Seb.”

“No problem.”

 

 

In the garage Fabian looked over at Mark and whispered to him.

“Did you really say that?”

“Yeah mate I did actually. Don't worry, your brother won't crash, I was only teasing him,” reassured Mark.

“Yeah, okay. You don't mind him joking about it do you?” checked Fabian.

“Nah, it's just a bit of fun.”

 

Mark didn't care, he was just pleased to see Sebastian appearing to be in a good mindset on the grid, it was nice to see him smiling and laughing, even if it was put on a little bit. Mark always found himself staring at the screen with a smile on his own face when he saw Seb smiling. It was infectious, Mark loved the way Seb looked when he smiled and it didn't look too strained today so maybe, just maybe, he'd be okay.

Fabian glanced around.

“You don't think anyone saw me wave back to him do you? I feel a bit stupid now,” he admitted.

Mark shook his head.

“They're all far too busy mate.”

Mark leant in so no one else could hear.

“I'll let you into a little secret Fabe; I always end up doing that when I'm watching at home.”

Fabian grinned.

“You can't tell anyone that,” pressed Mark.

“I won't.”

Mark smiled, glad that he had made Seb's little brother feel better. He didn't quite realise it, but the distraction did him good too. If it wasn't for looking after Fabian, Mark would have been a pacing, nervous wreck waiting for the start by now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in his car and closed his eyes for a second, putting himself in the right place as the mechanics finished up their very final preparations and the engine started up again. It felt good. He reopened his eyes and ignored the camera he saw homing in on him. He was ready. The car was ready. He pulled down the visor and didn't even think about how many times now he'd had to do this; had to shut out all his troubles to focus on the race. He could never seem to make the media understand that when he did this everything else really did fall away. The only difference these days was that the fact that he had people who loved him here supporting him stayed with Seb, resting at the back of his mind, helping Seb feeling more settled and letting him know that while he would give his all today, they would love him and support him no matter what the result.

The grid emptied as all the team members streamed off, sprinting as fast as they could back to the garages with all their equipment. Sebastian looked for the signal and followed the train to loop around the track to line up once more, ready to go. There had only been mild spray from Dan's car in front and the rain wasn't heavy, but just as Seb had told DC he was already soaked by the end of the installation lap, but he didn't care. The only thought that strayed into his mind was Mark's advice: _'Don't crash'._

 

His heart-rate was matching the engine revs as Seb held his foot in place, eyes locked on the five lights above as he waited for them to go on in turn and then out. Foot down, _go._

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

#  _Still I Rise_ – Maya Angelou

 

You may write me down in history  
With your bitter, twisted lies,  
You may trod me in the very dirt  
But still, like dust, I'll rise.  
  
Does my sassiness upset you?  
Why are you beset with gloom?  
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells  
Pumping in my living room.  
  
Just like moons and like suns,  
With the certainty of tides,  
Just like hopes springing high,  
Still I'll rise.  
  
Did you want to see me broken?  
Bowed head and lowered eyes?  
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.  
Weakened by my soulful cries.  
  
Does my haughtiness offend you?  
Don't you take it awful hard  
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines  
Diggin' in my own back yard.  
  
You may shoot me with your words,  
You may cut me with your eyes,  
You may kill me with your hatefulness,  
But still, like air, I'll rise.  
  
Does my sexiness upset you?  
Does it come as a surprise  
That I dance like I've got diamonds  
At the meeting of my thighs?  
  
Out of the huts of history's shame  
I rise  
Up from a past that's rooted in pain  
I rise  
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,  
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.  
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear  
I rise  
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear  
I rise  
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,  
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.  
I rise  
I rise  
I rise

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah what a place to leave it!
> 
> I'm so mean, sorry. Next bit almost ready for the off, so let me know when you've caught up and I'll put my foot down.
> 
> ;)


	69. Roll Of The Dice  (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lights out, here we go...

* * *

 

 

 

Mark stood in the garage, his eyes fixed on the screen and his hand resting on Fabian's shoulder by his side. Although he had insisted to Sebastian that rain increased his chances today, Mark was only too aware that it also made racing more dangerous. Conversely he simultaneously found himself wishing that it was raining harder so that the race would have to start under the safety car and he could be spared the agony of waiting to see if Seb made it out of La Source unscathed.

He wanted to close his eyes, but there was no way Mark could do that in case he missed something happen. Breathing on the other hand seemed optional as Mark took one deep breath and held it as the starter lights went on and his heart beat so hard he could hear it in his ears. Mark could see Seb's car had halted ready to go at a slight angle and he prayed that Seb wasn't about to try something foolhardy in these conditions. He remembered some of the hideous starts he had suffered here in the past, but Mark knew he had to put them out of his mind. That was him, and this was Seb. That was then, this was now.

 

As the lights went out and the cars sped off the grid Mark tried to make sure he wasn't distracted by Lewis and Nico going parallel and eye-balling one another as they went into the corner. Instead he focussed all his attention on Sebastian further back. Seb had gone to the middle of the track, but there was no hope of sneaking ahead as Daniel had a better start and was challenging the Williams in front. It did at least block off anyone trying to get by from behind Sebastian, but he couldn't afford to let off as they were right on his gearbox and for a horrible moment Mark thought that there might be a coming together as they took the sharp bend. Somehow all the mid-field cars concertinaed up and out again, Lewis retaining his lead and Sebastian set off up the steep hill of Eau Rouge safely. Only then did Mark let out the puff of breath he had held in and set his shoulders back from their hunched position, giving Fabian a relieved smile.

He turned back to the screen, recalled by shouting from the commentators as the rear of the field did exactly what Mark had feared at the start; tangled wheels and bodywork in a shower of spray and carbon-fibre. Mark pulled a rueful face, but he couldn't pretend he wasn't grateful that Seb was away and clear.

 

 

 

Sebastian followed the tail-light of his team-mate in front as they wooshed up the hill and took the sweep to the right. The spray was awful and the grip from the interval tyres wasn't great, but that feeling of being right on the edge, of pushing yourself and your equipment, of the physical g-forces pushing and then releasing his body as he came out into Raidillon; It was like taking a gulp of fresh air after being too long underwater.

Inside his helmet Seb allowed himself to smile. This was the thing, this was the racing he loved. Nothing else at play but the car and him and the challenge ahead.

 

As word came through that there had been a pile-up behind and the safety car was coming out Sebastian was disappointed, feeling as though he had only just been getting going. All that build-up and after thirty seconds he was back to trailing around.

He distracted himself by talking to the team on the radio and checking over the settings on his car, feeding back how the conditions on track felt as they went around. On the far side of the track the water hung in the air as if trapped in place by the pine forests that surrounded Spa-Francorchamps and it was hard to tell what was falling rain and what was spray coming up from the cars now traipsing round in close formation.

 

 

 

“At least it wasn't Seb,” piped up Fabian in the garage.

Mark nodded back.

“Yeah mate, he's on it, no worries.”

Mark didn't want to think about the fact that if Sebastian had been a couple of rows back it wouldn't have mattered how 'on it' Seb had been, he wouldn't have had a chance of dodging the cars strewn across the track. Thank god he'd had a half decent qualifying session in the end yesterday.

 

The safety car period dragged on, the commentators bemoaning the fact that it seemed to take so long. But Mark knew that it was important that the track was properly cleared as the remaining cars tiptoed through the scene of the crash. All it took was one little piece of debris to puncture a tyre and someone's day could be ruined.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian was talking to his engineer who was fast calculating how much fuel this was saving his driver. Three laps, five, if they hit seven laps this would really help him.

“Okay Seb, we're looking good. We should have a bit more leeway at the end now.”

“Can you let me know much?”

“Not yet. We're watching it and we'll keep you informed, okay?”

“Yep.”

“How do the tyres feel? Inters right for this?”

“Yeah, good. No problems.”

 

Sebastian just wanted to get going again. No problems wasn't entirely true, he'd just seen Massa weave a little through the spray, leaving the track and then bumping his way back on, causing Bottas to leap out of his way and there had been a little chain reaction as Dan braked and Seb in turn, but not sharply enough to cause another smash. The movement had woken Seb's brain into a sharper state of awareness and he considered the fact that if it wasn't for the lights he wouldn't be able to see the safety car at all due to the way the silver colour blended into the spray. Nor would he have known which Williams car had suffered an issue if Seb didn't know they were filing along strictly in order, no overtaking allowed despite the fact that Massa had made the mistake and his team-mate would have taken him for sure then if it had been allowed.

Nothing to be done about it though, the only thing to do was to stick with it and where the circuit was dampest, concentrate on playing it safe through the bends. There was no point worrying too much when cars in front seemed lost. Seb didn't know if it was because they were too far round the corners or if they were hidden in the spray. All he could do was trust that those around him were behaving sensibly.

Sebastian heard that the safety car was due in on this lap and stuck as close as he dared to Daniel in front, thankful that conditions cleared slightly as they come back around to the start. The safety car peeled back into the pits and Seb planted his foot and bolted off with the rest of the leading cars.

 

 

 

 

Mark unconsciously nodded his head in approval as he watched Seb make a successful restart, but then winced as Fernando was unceremoniously shunted off track by an idiotically ambitious move from Maldonado who was enhancing his unfortunate reputation once again. Mark sighed, knowing his friend would be fuming as his car ran through the gravel and came to a thankfully safe halt, nudging into the barrier with the only damage to the suspension and a snapped front wing as it glanced the tyre-wall.

Fernando kept his helmet on as he made his way off track and walked along the inside of the barrier whilst the marshals rushed out to recover the car. Mark wasn't the only viewer to understand precisely what that meant; Alonso was furious, but Pastor was long gone, sailing on by as Fernando's race had come to an ignominious end.

“Safety car again?” asked Fabian.

Mark frowned, looking more closely at where the crash had occurred.

“Hm, there's a gap in the wall there. If they can roll it back, they should just stick with double yellows.”

He was proved correct as the marshals did just that and the car was quickly off track before Fernando was shown hopping onto a moped to get back to the pits.

A little smile snuck onto Mark's face as he nodded at the screen.

“He's slowing.”

Fabian leaned forwards to see.

“Maldonado,” clarified Mark. “Reckon he's got a puncture.”

Fabian laughed as the commentator said much the same thing.

“I think they're listening to you,” Fabian joked.

“Mm, must be,” agreed Mark.

 

The TV screens showed the Lotus pulling into the pits and a slow pitstop got underway as the team mechanics struggled to get the damaged tyre off and a new one on in its place. Mark found it difficult to see it as anything other than just desserts. He had only been half-joking when he had warned Sebastian off getting near Lotus cars this morning.

“And on they go, two by two,” noted the commentator in Mark's ear, referring to the fact that at the front at least, the teams were lined up in order as they had been since the grid.

“We might very well need an ark at this rate,” chipped in DC.

Mark huffed a little laugh and glanced out of the garage. It wasn't actually that bad and he knew he had raced in worse weather, but it didn't look like the rain was going to clear up at any point today, even if the wind was still blowing things about.

 

 

 

 

The race continued. Sebastian was pleased to be released to unrestricted running, but the cars in front were going too well to allow him to get anywhere close to getting DRS, never mind overtake and he was too experienced to try anything stupid, especially in these conditions. The first pit-stops came and went, the cars all remaining on interval compound tyres.

Dan had pitted first and a bit of nifty pushing both before and after the stop meant that he had managed to come out between the two Williams cars whose team had taken a rather more conservative approach. Unfortunately Seb was too far back for the trick to work a second time and he tried not to allow himself to feel frustrated as he slotted back out on track with the rear end of Bottas' car visible through the misted water as he exited the pitlane. He'd have to hold for now, but he _was_ closer. Seb took comfort from the fact that opportunity hovered in front.

 

 

Mark watched as Daniel put his fresh tyres to good use as he closed up on Massa enough to gain DRS and shot by on the start-finish straight, spray jetting up on either side of both cars. The whole garage applauded and Fabian and Mark joined in, both hoping that if Dan could do it, surely Seb could too.

 

Sebastian was listening as his engineer informed him that Daniel had made the move. His team-mate was now two spots up on him. Seb couldn't let that stand. He pushed almost harder than he dared through the slippery corners until he could see the vortices of spray coming off Bottas' rear wing ahead and was close enough in the detection zone to get DRS and copy Dan's move on the other Williams to get by.

 

Mark grinned and Fabian whooped as the garage applauded once more.

DC laughed on the broadcast; “What's good for the goose is good for the gander it seems. That's another RedBull on Williams made good. Ricciardo up to third while Vettel is now fifth. That's not going to go down well with Sir Frank.”

 

 

 

Sebastian wore an equally wide grin, his confidence boosted by the move. The track was wet, sure, but the car was sticking to it and as long as he didn't get on the dangerous painted lines marking the edge of the track, Seb felt he could trust that the car would behave itself. He carried on pushing and moved up on the next Williams containing Felipe Massa.

Lap after lap he was edging in, trying twice to get by with DRS only for it to fail on each occasion as Massa was now wary and driving defensively. Seb was closer though and he wasn't about to stop trying. All this pushing was showing him where things worked and where they didn't. He was finding grip Sebastian didn't know was there and as he scooted to the outside of La Source after attempting to overtake yet again he found a surprising amount of traction where the marshals brushing the track to clear up the earlier accident had incidentally cleared any standing water.

Seb tried again on the long Kemmel Straight but couldn't get by. He carried on around, giving Felipe a little more space around the second sector just to stop getting a visor full of spray for thirty seconds or so. The temporary respite gave him a moment to think; If he couldn't make it stick in the DRS zone with Massa positioning himself bang in the middle of the track making it as hard as possible for him to get by, then maybe Seb needed to try something else? As he closed up again Seb made it look as though he was giving it one more effort on the start-finish DRS zone, but instead he focussed on the corner coming up. Going into La Source Sebastian trusted to his experience in the previous lap and instead of taking the sensible racing line and tucking back into Massa's wake, he went wide.

 

 

He almost made the overtake round the outside stick and in the garage not only Mark but the entire team leant anxiously forwards to see, then sagged back in disappointment as it became apparent that the extra distance required to travel around the outside wasn't going to enable Sebastian to get by.

 

 

Sebastian very nearly allowed himself to accept the loss at that point, but he still had grip and the tighter bend Massa was taking meant that as he straightened up again the Williams car took a fraction longer to get back on the power. Seb held his position on the outside of the track, perilously close to going onto the white line with all the danger that implied.

The tarmac was wet, the spray high and his vision obscured. Sebastian was having to trust his instincts and believe that he was placing the car right on the very edge of what was possible. Seb kept his foot on the accelerator and prayed that he could trust Felipe to have the sense to keep an eye to his left and see he was there.

It was either triumph or disaster in a split-second. Massa edged closer but Sebastian refused to budge, making it Felipe's choice now; yield or crash. It was dangerous, but then every part of this was dangerous. Racing was dangerous. If you were going to do it, better to do it and win. He clung onto the steering wheel, pointed it where the car had to go and by some kind of miracle granted by the racing gods, Massa edged back away and Sebastian flew past the Williams and off up into the top of Eau Rouge as if floating on the mist that filled the damp air.

 

 

The entire RedBull garage gasped as one. Mark leaning in even closer to the screen, his eyes wide with a combination of terror and awe as Fabian started leaping up and down by his side in excitement. Mark breathed again, unsure how it was his heart hadn't actually leapt out of his chest then.

Wheel-to-wheel in the wet, going up into Eau Rouge? _Jesus Christ on a bike._ Mark wasn't sure whether he would want to praise Seb or tell him he'd nearly given him a heart attack when he saw him, hopefully still in one piece, at the end of the race.

 

“Oh my god, oh my god! How did he do that?” yelled Fabian over the din as the team exploded in cheers and applause.

Mark was shaking his head in stunned amazement. Finally puffing out a breath he realised that the cameras were on them and grinned at Seb's brother.

“Cos he's fucking incredible, that's why.”

He smiled to himself, knowing that the lip-readers out there would enjoy that. On the commentary track DC was letting out a long 'woooof' noise.

“My god. How they didn't crash then I have absolutely no idea. Bravery on the limit there.”

David chuckled as he calmed down.

“I'm pretty sure I've seen a move not unlike that before. Perhaps Seb has been getting more tips than he let on.”

Mark shook his head.

“Not in the bloody wet,” he noted out-loud to no one in particular.

“Huh?”

Mark shook his head at Fabian.

“Nothing. Just your brother, doing the impossible again.”

 

 

 

 

Over the radio Sebastian almost laughed as Christian came on in a noticeably higher pitched voice than usual.

“Christ Sebi, that was almost _too_ close! Well done though, well done,” congratulated his boss.

 

The cars in the top six were now running in team order again; Mercedes, RedBulls, Williams, but just as momentum seemed to be shifting in the RedBulls' favour the rain started to come down more heavily. Sebastian knew that the line between bravery and stupidity was crossed at your peril. For now he had to obey the requests on the radio to only do enough to build a gap on Massa to protect his position.

Daniel had been doing just that for a while and was within sight of the Mercedes running up front, a good third of a lap ahead of Sebastian now. He came on the radio informing the team that the rain was getting heavier and Mark tipped his head round to see a discussion taking place on the pitwall as Christian stuck his hand out from under the cover to feel the rain for himself. Mark smiled to himself, thinking human instinct would always prevail over the highest technology available.

Pools were forming in the pitlane and it was becoming obvious that no weather radar was required to tell them that conditions were getting rapidly worse. Mark knew that discussion between the team boss and engineers would have been about tyres. They must be on the border now of going onto full-wets to cope with the increased water on the tarmac. He listened through his headphones as Christian himself asked his drivers in turn what they thought. Each responding that it was wetter, but on the limit of driveability.

 

This continued for another few laps, the cars all looping the track with varying degrees of caution until Pastor did what he had been threatening to all afternoon and skidded off to take a trip into the gravel at the hairpin from which he wasn't going to return. Mark watched unsurprised and wondered if Fernando was smiling somewhere not too far away.

It wasn't long before one car and then another span in the puddles that had appeared on the lowest sections of the track, most managing to recover and turn themselves to face the correct way fairly quickly, those that went off either found a way back or were being quickly retrieved by the indomitable marshals. Now all the cars were slowing on track, warily making their way through the trickiest parts and seeking the driest lines through the corners. Several teams pulled their drivers in to switch to the wet tyres and the rest were watching to see how their pace measured in comparison as soon as they left the pitlane.

Mark looked over at the pitwall again; More discussions off the radio. It didn't take a genius to work out they were wondering if another crash might be imminent and then the team could pit the cars under a safety car and thus lose less time.

 

 

These moments could make or break a race. Someone had to make the call and decide whether it was either too dangerous or they were losing too much time on whichever tyre they were running on. Get it wrong either way and your day could be ruined in a hurry. The television was playing out a heated discussion between the Mercedes team and their drivers as Rosberg insisted it was too wet not to come in and swap, while Lewis was protesting that he could cope.

A few more exchanges went back and forth until the call came that they were to box. Lewis sounded deeply unhappy as Paddy came on the radio to tell him that they were both to follow the same strategy. Mark heard the tone of near petulance in Lewis' voice and wondered whether he might be tempted to defy his team and carry on past the pit entrance, but Lewis was too well aware of the consequences of behaving so rebelliously and dutifully pulled in. Doubtless Lewis knew that as Mercedes were stacking their drivers outside the garage, at least Nico would be disadvantaged by having to wait impatiently behind him.

 

As both Mercedes pitted, Daniel took the lead of the race and Christian considered leaving him out for another lap to make the most of it, but it was pouring in the pitlane now so he decided that they had no choice. They called Dan in and switched him onto the full-wet tyres, opting to leave Sebastian out an extra lap rather than copy the leaders' move and try to do both cars at once.

Out on track Seb was travelling more slowly as he negotiated the dampest areas, but as he rounded the furthest part of the circuit out of Les Combes he took a look out over the tree-line. The sky was unremittingly cloudy, but to the south that cloud was a slightly lighter shade of steely grey. Sebastian got on the radio.

“Do we know how long this rain will last?”

“It's pretty heavy this end.”

Seb frowned, thinking that wasn't the question he had asked.

“Yes, but is it staying?”

There was a pause, then Christian came on.

“Seb we've put Dan on wets too,” he reassured.

Sebastian couldn't help thinking he didn't care what Dan had done. He cared what _he_ should do.

“Christian it's not so wet this side,” Seb related.

Christian's eyes flicked to look where Seb was positioned on track, now taking the sweep of Pouhon.

“Sebi the pace is back up on wets.”

 

Sebastian took a second to consider it. The track was so big here it was possible to have quite different conditions on either side of the circuit. If it really was hazardous by the start line he could be in trouble. On the other hand pitting here cost you at least twenty seconds. If they got it wrong and had to go back onto inters that doubled.

“I want to stay out,” declared Sebastian in a determined, but non-confrontational tone.

“Sebi...”

“How's my pace?”

“It's, well... it's not bad, but if this gets worse.”

“There's wind. I think it's going to clear.”

Christian ran a hand through his hair and looked to Adrian by his side. Since when was Sebastian a weather forecaster?

Adrian came on.

“Seb do you have decent traction?”

Sebastian was just going through the weaving bends before the last sector.

“Yeah. I can hold it on inters.”

Christian and Adrian looked at one another. A split-strategy generally only guaranteed that one of your drivers lost out, but Seb sounded sure of himself and there was an extent to which you had to trust the man who was actually out there.

“Okay Seb, stay out.”

And on your head be it, thought Christian.

 

 

Sebastian swept past the pitlane and slowed into La Source once more. The back end of the car kicked out a little in the wet and for a second he thought he might have taken a risk too far, but as he straightened up Seb put his foot down again and thought; To hell with it all, it's worth a go; nothing ventured, nothing gained. He was good in the wet. He could do this.

 

 

 

Mark took a calming breath and gave a worried looking Fabian a smile and a nod. Seb could handle it. Just as long as he did what they always said and kept it on the black stuff Seb should be okay. Nearly all the other cars were on wets now and Sebastian's relative speed was definitely slower as he took the bends with care.

“He's in the lead,” pointed out Fabian excitedly.

Mark almost shook his head at how he had somehow failed to notice that with all the discussions about tyre choice. The leaders pitting had leapfrogged Sebastian to the front with Lewis and Nic behind him and Dan following them. _He was in the lead._ Oh god. Mark's heart-rate stepped up. No pressure to push too hard there then. Oh god, _please_ don't push too hard.

 

 

 

As the following cars ran with increased confidence equal to their better grip they began to eat into Sebastian's artificial gap. Within a couple of laps Seb could see the silver arrows in his rear view mirrors and he started to wonder if he hadn't made a mistake. If he had to concede an error of judgement and come in to pit with his tail between his legs Seb knew that not only would he lose the lead, he would doubtless fall right to the back as the field had tightened up as a result of all the changes.

 

 

Mark's face was a picture of stress as he saw the lead Sebastian possessed begin to fall away. If the Mercedes got close he knew Seb would be powerless to resist, even without DRS. All the lap times were slower than earlier in the race despite the reduced fuel-loads, but Seb was undeniably slower than his pursuers. Mark knew Sebastian had a good feel for the car and what he could do with it, but if he'd made a bad call and was on the wrong tyres there would be little Seb could do about it now.

A gust of wind blew into the garage catching Mark's attention and he remembered what Sebastian had said on the radio; If the wind blew the clouds away, this rain could clear up or at least lessen. There was no way of knowing for certain. Even the radar being studied so closely in the corner of the garage could only offer a percentage chance. It couldn't provide any real certainty. Mark stared back at the screen and watched the graphic detailing Seb's shrinking gap like a man possessed.

 

 

 

Sebastian was driving with a greater intensity of concentration than he could remember. He had to make this work. He had to. He'd taken the gamble and if it didn't pay off he was screwed.

The silver cars were getting larger in his vision and Seb realised he was in danger of paying more attention to them than the road ahead. That was surely the fastest way to go wrong. Instead Seb fixed his eyes ahead and concentrated on using all his senses to feel his way round, reading where he could risk a little more speed and where he had to play it safe to survive. There was still a wind coming in from the south and it threatened to throw his car sideways as he came out of one of the turns, but Seb held it and pushed on.

He was starting to think that maybe he really had fouled up and would end up spinning off any moment when Sebastian came into the long sweep of Blanchimont and saw that the faint racing line was now far more pronounced. He'd been concentrating so hard on driving that Seb hadn't appreciated that the rain had slackened off and most of the water in the air was actually spray. Most importantly of all it meant that the track was _drying_.

 

It was still drizzling as he passed the pits again, but nothing like the rain there had been before and although the Mercedes were still following Sebastian up Eau Rouge, they weren't near enough to overtake as they hit the next DRS zone. By the time he reached Les Combes again Sebastian was convinced he was starting to pull more of a gap and he had to remind himself not to get carried away. The track was still a new adventure on each bend as conditions changed so rapidly you couldn't know what you were going to encounter as the previous lap now meant nothing.

 

 

Mark listened on the radio as Sebastian spoke, asking whether his pace looked okay and was reassured that it was solid. Seconds later Lewis' voice was broadcast, his aggrieved tone making his mood only too clear as he informed his team that his wet tyres were now overheating and he was having to duck into any damp patches of track he could find to keep them from going off altogether.

DC came through on the commentary, his voice a mixture of surprise and delight as he announced.

“Well, well, well, what d'you know? It's starting to look as if Sebastian was right after all. I don't think Hamilton is too impressed with his team going against his better judgement.”

Fabian was looking up at Mark, smiling happily, but Mark knew there was a long way to go yet. Still fifteen laps in which time the weather could just as easily go the other way again without warning.

 

 

 

Christian was on the radio asking Daniel's opinion and Dan confirmed what they saw in the lap-times; the advantage of the past few laps had disappeared as car after car swept around the circuit, drying the road surface even quicker than the wind.

Daniel's usually irrepressibly cheery voice came through sounding far more glum.

“Yeah it's stopped out in sector two now.”

“The rain?”

“Yeah, it's stopped. There's hardly even spray now.”

Christian turned to Adrian and shrugged. What could you do? The forecast had been wrong. If they had left Daniel out for one more lap maybe they would have both stayed on inters, but it could so easily have gone the other way.

Behind them in the pitlane the Mercedes of Lewis Hamilton was creeping by to reach his garage to pit once again to go back onto the interval tyres. They had to cover him off. Christian gave the signal and Daniel's engineer got on the radio to tell him to box for a tyre change once again before the whole field piled into the pitlane causing a traffic jam.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark spent the next few laps doing some steadying breathing to prevent himself from getting ahead of himself. Sebastian maintained the lead as all his challengers had been forced into two pit-stops that had proved themselves a costly mistake, but now the track was drying at a rapid rate and everyone was now watching to see if it might be possible to make the jump onto dry tyres.

With the Mercedes on the same tyre as Sebastian it was now becoming clear that as Seb's tyres were far older than theirs he was starting to struggle, the restored gap now being whittled away again, lap by lap.

“Seb, do you think it's dry enough to switch?” asked his engineer.

Sebastian finished negotiating Stavelot and gave the affirmative.

Christian heard the call and signalled the team who leapt into action in the garage. Mark and Fabian whipping around to watch the mechanics as they swept up the correct tyres and rushed into position in the pitlane box ready to receive Seb with seconds to spare as he pulled up on his marks.

There was barely time to blink before Sebastian put his foot down again and was off back out on track, yet again the trailblazer, all the other teams watching his form to see if it was the right call.

 

 

Daniel peeled in on the next lap and jumped the Mercedes in the process, but immediately after that Lewis and then Nico followed into the pits and came out not far behind him. Seb was a way in front and his lead seemed relatively safe, but the same couldn't be said for Dan's second place. Lewis harried him out of Radillion and then swept by with imperious ease along the Kemmel Straight and Mark was reminded that in the dry this was an engine track and no one had a better engine than a Mercedes.

Mark rubbed his face with his hand. Five laps to go. Nothing was safe. No way to relax, not when you knew that the only predictable thing about Formula One was its unpredictability.

 

The garage sighed as Rosberg nipped past Daniel only feet away on the pit straight. That superior engine with DRS added into the mix meant Daniel didn't stand a chance. The two Mercedes were now in the hunt for Sebastian.

 

 

Sebastian heard on the radio that the order behind him had changed again, but also that he had plenty of fuel and his tyres looked good. They certainly felt good, but then they were only a few laps old so they ought to. He simply had to keep pushing. The moment he allowed himself to feel the threat behind him Seb knew he would be done.

 

 

Four laps to go and the Mercedes boys were trading purple sectors and fastest laps. There was nothing Seb could do but to keep doing what he was doing and pray that they would run out of time.

 

Three laps to go and Mark had forgotten that breathing was generally considered essential. The Mercedes cars were not only gaining on Sebastian at a terrifying speed, but they were battling each other. Nico had pushed Lewis all the way up Eau Rouge, through Radillion and then as they went along Kemmel Straight he used his DRS and pulled alongside, only for Lewis to edge him all the way out onto the grass. For a second it looked as though Nico would crash, as the grass naturally hadn't dried in the same way the asphalt had. Rosberg's car squirrelled around, desperately seeking grip before dropping back and regaining the track some way behind Lewis.

Mark was temporarily distracted by the radio-waves exploding with outrage from Rosberg and he chuckled to himself as he now knew precisely what it was Nico was swearing about, although he suspected most viewers had grasped the gist of it even if they didn't understand German. Mark had to concede that the move had been on the limit of acceptable racing standards, but the odds of Mercedes complaining about their own driver to Charlie and the stewards where slim. No doubt this would be yet another matter for the analysts to chew endlessly over and the armchair experts to pontificate about, taking either view depending into whose camp they fell.

Rosberg dropped back further as he slowed and it looked as though his car must have sustained some kind of damage going over the kerbs, but none was visible and Mark suspected that it was more likely that Nico was allowing his anger to get the better of him instead of focussing on the race.

 

 

Unfortunately with Lewis now released from his bothersome team-mate he was making even greater gains on Sebastian. Towards the end of the penultimate lap he was nearly in touch and the graphic showing the gap kept changing as it dropped with every metre of the lap. By the time Sebastian rounded Blanchimont, Lewis was within the required one second to gain DRS. In the garage Mark's heart sank through the floor. They going into the very last lap. They were so close. _So_ close to the end. Seb couldn't lose it here to a mechanical advantage when he had worked this hard.

 

 

Sebastian's heart was pounding as he entered the start-finish straight once more. He knew Lewis had DRS and saw the flap pop open on the car behind him. Damn it. Everything he'd done in this race. Every risk he had taken. Everything he had been though this weekend to get here. No. He couldn't let this happen. He had to hold on.

His engineer had told Sebastian that Lewis had only just squeaked under the one second gap. He wasn't as close as he might be, but he did have the tow. Seb had to break it and simultaneously prevent Lewis overtaking, but he knew he had only one move permitted or he faced the wrath of the stewards and then any advantage could be nullified with the stroke of a keyboard and it would all be for nothing.

 

Seb kept his foot flat on the pedal to stay as far ahead as possible, staying in the middle of the track as he watched Lewis, trying to judge where his opponent was going. Lewis was going to try to go round the outside past Seb then swoop back in to take a tight racing line through La Source, keeping the place ahead of him. Seb didn't know how he knew, but he did, maybe because that was what he would do in Lewis' place.

Just as Lewis went to make his move, Sebastian jinked left and blocked his path, giving Lewis no option but to slam on the brakes and weave right to prevent both their days ending in disaster.

 

The tiniest of smiles sat on Seb's face as he cleared the corner and swept up Eau Rouge for the forty-fourth and final time in the race. Behind him Lewis was on the radio, now making his own complaints, but Sebastian knew he had done nothing wrong. It was racing. Tough racing to be sure, but that was the game they were in. Seb had no time to worry about it as he floored the car through Kemmel and thanked the lord that Lewis had been thrown enough by what had happened that going into the next detection zone he had slipped more than a second behind. No time to relax though. Sebastian now had two-thirds of a lap to keep one of the fastest racers in the world, in the fastest car, behind him.

 

 

 

Fabian was gripping Mark's arm and standing up on tiptoe to watch, as if that made any difference to the outcome. Mark couldn't even turn to give Fabian any kind of reassurance as he was glued to the screen, living every turn of the wheel, every bend, every acceleration out of a corner. He almost felt the g-forces on his body, was sure his heart was beating quite as fast as Seb's must be. Every fibre of his being was willing Sebastian to stay ahead.

Mark had to stop himself from wishing Lewis would make a mistake. If anything happened he would never forgive himself and that sort of thing was simply unacceptable when you were a racer yourself and you knew the danger every driver faced whether they were friend or foe.

 

 

 

Seb hung on for dear life through the winding second sector, grateful that even with a compromise setting for today's race, his car still held better downforce whichwas helping him through the bends. Lewis was all over him and if he made the tiniest error or gave up the racing line, Seb knew he would get past. His only hope was to not allow his friend to make use of his greater horsepower. If there was no room through the bends it didn't matter how much faster your engine ran, you couldn't drive _through_ an opponent. Lewis was a risk-taker, a racer, and Sebastian knew that although they were friends off track, Lewis wouldn't think even once, never mind twice, about overtaking him for the win. Lewis was always hungry, but surely no one could be hungrier or more determined than Sebastian was today.

Ahead lay the horribly open third sector and Sebastian knew there might be nothing he could do to hold Lewis there if it was a battle of pure engine power. Seb braked hard taking the corner before Blanchimont, not intending to make any kind of manoeuvre on Lewis, but all of a sudden Sebastian saw in his mirrors that Lewis had realised that he had got too close to brake sufficiently to not hit him. Lewis swept wide out left, attempting to turn the forced move into an overtake around the outside of the bend, but brushed onto the white lines and discovered too late that the paint remained damp and slippery, causing his car to skid off, then back on again. By the time Lewis had recovered himself, Sebastian was speeding along the long sweeping curve that made up the final sector of the circuit. Now Lewis had Nico closing up on him and he was left with no choice but to turn his attack back into defence.

 

Fabian was bouncing anxiously up and down, causing Mark to glance at him for a split-second before returning to stare at the screen.

“Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygodohmygod!”

Mark would have laughed at Fabian, but he knew exactly how Seb's little brother felt. In his head all he was chanting was; Please, please, _please_.

 

 

 

Sebastian could see the chicane coming up. He left it as late as he dared to brake as Lewis was still far too close for comfort, then stamped hard and pulled the car around in a manner he could never have risked when the track was wet earlier. He swung the car right, left, through the chicane and as he straightened up he could see the chequered flag.

 

 

 

Mark grabbed Fabian's arm and pelted across the pitlane with him to fling themselves into a gap to wave at Sebastian as he shot past, Lewis and Nico still in hot pursuit until the very last inch of the race was run. All three cars sped by the chequered flag before slamming on the brakes immediately afterwards as they remembered the curious fashion of Spa to pull immediately into the pit exit rather than take another long loop around the track. The orange clad marshals were waving their flags, guiding them in, and only as Sebastian slowly made his way the wrong way up the pitlane to parc ferme did it really hit him that he had actually won the race. He was so swept up with the adrenaline of the last few laps that he only had time to say a quick thank you to the team before he was pulling up to stop in front of the large '1' sign.

 

 

 

 

 

All the team were still crowded around, those who had been clinging to the pitwall fence where they had scrambled up to cheer Sebastian were now attempting to find a way to get back down without breaking their necks in the process. Team-members seemed to be everywhere, patting Mark and Fabian on the back, hugging each other and punching the air in excitement. To Fabian it felt like complete chaos as his parents had never let him get as caught up in the action like this for any of his brother's earlier wins.

 

“Oh my god. He won!” exclaimed Fabian over the din, as if he could hardly believe it.

Mark was grinning and shaking his head, feeling equally stunned. He'd been sure that Seb was going to have his hard-fought lead cruelly stolen away right at the end, but he hadn't, he'd hung in there and performed a little miracle, the sum of any number of miracles from his race today.

“Yeah mate, he's won. He's bloody incredible,” agreed Mark. “Come on then, let's go tell him that.”

Mark grabbed a hold of Fabian's arm again and they fought their way over to Parc Ferme where the cars were halted. There was already a scrum of photographers and team personnel in place, but Mark forced a way through for the pair of them towards the row of circuit security men who were forming a line to prevent media intruding.

 

 

 

Sebastian remained sat in his car feeling slightly in shock. He'd won, he really had. He pushed his visor up and pinched the top of his nose to stop himself from making a fool of himself by crying in front of the cameras that he knew were zoomed in on him. Seb pulled himself together, got out of his seat and stood up to wave. He was already looking for Mark and Fabian in the crowd, but there were so many people he couldn't spot them so he climbed out out of the car and turned to see Nico Rosberg as he came over and gave a him a pat on the arm to say congratulations.

Seb saw that Lewis was already being weighed at the edge of the area and wondered if he was angry with him for fighting so hard at the end. Word had come back quickly that Sebastian's actions had been decreed by the official race stewards to be legitimate racing moves, but Seb knew for himself that wasn't always easy to accept when you felt hard done by. He went over to be weighed himself and as Lewis stepped off the scales Seb let Nico go first and waited as Lewis turned and merely nodded at him.

For a moment Sebastian worried that he might have damaged their friendship. He knew only too well how the strains of racing could affect things off track between people, but maybe Lewis needed a moment to compose himself as well.

“Hey.”

Lewis looked at him. Through the gap in the visor it wasn't entirely possible to read his expression.

“Sorry about that at the end there,” apologised Sebastian.

“Are you?”

Seb shrugged, knowing he couldn't lie to a friend.

“Umm, no not really.”

There was a moment's pause as Seb waited to see if he could discern a reaction, but then he recognised an amused glint in Lewis' eyes.

“Good. Go hard or go home.”

Sebastian couldn't quite make out what Lewis had said as his voice was muffled slightly by his helmet so he leant in closer.

“What?”

“Go hard or go home!” shouted Lewis.

He pulled Sebastian into a hug and Seb was left feeling more stunned than ever, greatly relieved to know that his friend was still his friend. Lewis disappeared off up to the cool-down room and Sebastian was quickly weighed before he had opportunity to go over and seek the congratulations he wanted most.

 

 

 

Sebastian went to the edge of Parc Ferme, but all he could see was the hordes of mechanics who all reached over at the corner to pat his arms before a security man stepped to the side and allowed him through. Seb knew he wasn't strictly speaking meant to leave Parc Ferme, but all thoughts of that left his mind as he spotted Mark fighting his way through with his brother in tow.

Seb rushed over and threw his arms around the pair of them as they enveloped him in return and for just a few moments Sebastian forgot where he was and simply appreciated the enthusiasm with which the people he loved were hanging on to him.

He pulled away and Seb didn't care in the slightest whether it was the done thing, he tore his helmet off and gave Mark a kiss right on the lips. He knew everyone was watching, he knew there would be cameras on them, he could hear his guys around him whooping and cheering and he didn't care. It only lasted a second and as Seb pulled back he saw Mark grinning at him.

Mark was about to say something when Fabian was pushing in again, hanging onto Seb's arm.

“Seb, Seb you won!”

Sebastian laughed, as did Mark. He ruffled his little brother's hair.

“Yeah I know.”

 

Mark stole another hug on his own and Sebastian happily wrapped his arms around Mark's neck, still somehow hanging on to his helmet with one hand. He pressed his cheek into Mark's and closed his eyes for a second. Mark desperately wanted to hold on to Seb, but he knew Sebastian wasn't just his in this moment. He leaned in and whispered directly in Seb's ear so that only he could hear over the noise in the pitlane.

“You're amazing. I'm so proud of you darling, _so_ proud.”

 

Mark gave Seb a quick last squeeze, then stepped back and let the rest of the team sweep in to bury Sebastian in an excited mass hug before a couple of the mechanics hauled him up onto their shoulders and Seb found himself up in the air looking across the mêlée. Mark had got Fabian back to the pitwall barriers out of the crush and Seb was smiling over at the two of them before he spotted Christian and gave him a wave and laughed as his boss literally saluted him. Sebastian caught Mark's eye again and gave him a teasing smile as he lifted a hand and made his trademark 'number one' finger signal, grinning more widely as he Mark rolled his eyes and laughed back.

The guys lowered him down and Sebastian fought his way out through the shoulder slapping congratulations to return to Parc Ferme and inside to reach the pre-podium room where Nico and Lewis were patiently waiting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The rush of the finish and all the congratulations went away as Seb entered the silent room, Nico and Lewis quite clearly not speaking to one another and pretending to keep busy as they fussed with bottles of water and caps. Adrian was waiting for him and gave him another hug as Seb realised it was the team's theoretically part-time technical boss who would be accompanying him onto the podium today. Sebastian nodded along with whatever Adrian was saying, but his mild voice slipped into the background as the implications of the fact that he really had _won_ the race today started to resonate in Sebastian’s head.

He had won. This weekend of all weekends, he'd _won_.

 

Lewis came over, glad to have someone to speak to after waiting in an awkward atmosphere for several minutes.

“Well done, man. I didn't actually say before.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Thanks.”

 

He felt suddenly choked and couldn't say more than that. Sebastian took his bottle of water and scooped up a towel waiting on the little table and went to the far corner of the room, facing away from the camera. He put his bottle down and pretended to dry his face, but hidden behind the shield of the towel Seb closed his eyes tight. He tried to hold on, but as everything else paused around him and he was left in silence with nothing to distract him, Sebastian was suddenly overwhelmed and he was sobbing before he could stop himself.

Lewis looked over and wondered if he should say something or leave Seb to it. He had been planning on pointing out to Sebastian the fact that he had come damn close to crashing into him not once, but twice, at the end then and was going to say that Seb ought to be grateful he had fast enough reactions to have prevented it and saved the day for both of them. Instead Lewis left it, seeing that Seb needed a moment. He could tell that Sebastian was trying to keep the cameras from showing the fact he was crying, although it was only too clear from the way his shoulders were hunching up and down that Seb was overcome. Lewis politely had a word with Adrian for a moment and then fetched the number one cap and headed into the corner.

He placed a hand on Sebastian's shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.

“You okay?” asked Lewis quietly.

 

Sebastian rubbed his face with the towel and took a deep breath. This wasn't the place or the time for letting it all out. Seb took a sip of water as he turned around and fixed a calm expression onto his face, hoping it wasn't too obvious to the world that he had been letting his emotions get on top of him then.

Lewis handed him his #1 Pirelli cap.

“Thanks,” nodded Seb.

“Mad weekend, right?” offered Lewis with a half-smile.

Sebastian nodded, still trying to even himself out. He drank some more water, then managed to match Lewis' smile and leaned in to speak too quietly for the filming to pick it up.

“Maybe you should regret being so nice to me this weekend?”

Lewis shrugged.

“Nah. I want my opponents at the top of their game. That's how I measure myself.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, thanks though.”

 

Seeing Sebastian seemed to have recovered himself, Lewis asked confidentially.

“Was it you or the team deciding to stay out?”

Sebastian knew exactly what he meant.

“Me. I guess I just thought it was worth a go. Not likely to win if I didn't try it. Could have gone completely the other way.”

Lewis nodded sagely.

“I wanted to stay out too.”

“Team said no?”

“Hm.”

Lewis looked unimpressed and Seb guessed that a tetchy team meeting lay ahead in the Mercedes base.

They both looked over as the announcement came calling them out onto the podium and Sebastian pulled on the cap and watch, taking another deep breath to keep himself level.

 

 

 

 

 

Seb stood on the top step, holding himself in as his national anthem played. He heard it often enough at the end of races, but rarely in his honour these days. Seb sought Mark in the mob down below and spotted him leaning on a barrier by the fence to the side of the RedBull pitwall race station. Seb fixed his eyes on him, hoping to draw strength and steadiness from the sight. Fabian was waving by his side and Sebastian waited until the anthem finished to wave back. Mark was smiling so warmly up at him and Seb found himself staring into his eyes thinking how Mark had said he was proud of him. The whole team was down there, cheering and applauding. He was in danger of getting overwhelmed again and closed his eyes for a second before Lewis leaned in and spoke in his ear.

“You're not going to go full Rubens on us are you?” Lewis teased.

 

Sebastian smiled and pulled himself back once more, remembering the time when the openly emotional Rubens Barrichello had blubbed like a baby on the podium. He'd been there watching that day, stood with his father attending the race at Hockenheim as his birthday treat. Seb remembered wondering why the winner was upset when he should be happy he had won, but he had only seen it through a child's eyes. Life was far more complicated as an adult and Seb understood now that you could cry from happiness too, but he didn't want to. He didn't want his little brother looking up and seeing him cry. Mark would understand, but Fabian might not, and countless other little boys and indeed girls out there would be watching. Seb didn't want them to look on and see him cry. Millions of people were out there watching and judging him. He had to be strong, stand tall, and be the victor; battered maybe, but unbowed.

 

 

 

Mark stood leaning on the metal barrier and watched as the trophies were presented and the obligatory champagne sprayed, clapping and cheering along with the rest. He could see that Sebastian had been getting emotional as the anthem played and was glad to see Seb diverting himself with the usual podium duties. He didn't want to see Seb upset, but more than that Mark knew Sebastian would hate it if he showed it publicly.

He turned and gave Fabian a smile and a little half-hug.

Fabian leaned in.

“He's alright isn't he?”

Mark nodded reassuringly.

“He's good mate, it's just a big deal winning today, that's all. Your brother's fine.”

Fabian nodded back, glad to hear it. He'd been pretty sure that was all it was, but hearing Mark say it meant everything was definitely okay. He waved up at his brother again and Mark smiled, knowing that any number of cameras would be on them right now.

 

The rain started up once more and Mark reflected that they had been very lucky that the race ended when it did, but it had and that was all that mattered. They were going to get soaked, but there was no chance they were going to leave when Seb was up there. It crossed Mark's mind that they'd have to find some spare clothes for Fabian to change into once all this was over, or his parents might not be too impressed with him and Seb delivering back a boy with early stage pneumonia.

He looked across to the pitwall and saw that Britta had finally appeared. Mark guessed she had been busily setting up media appearances. Poor Seb had a long day left ahead of him. Mark hid a sigh and smiled back up at Sebastian on the podium, still marvelling at how the hell Seb had achieved that top step today. Yesterday Seb had literally been on the floor and now he was all the way up there. Mark knew better than anyone what an extraordinary achievement that really was. How could anyone wonder why he loved him so much when Seb was such an incredible person?

 

 

 

The announcer informed the waiting crowd that the interviews were due to begin and Martin strode out to general applause. As he finished his introduction he stood by Sebastian.

“It's starting to rain again Seb which about sums up the race. This changeable weather helped you to a remarkable win today. Congratulations.”

Sebastian fixed his corporate smile on and nodded.

“Yes, it certainly gave me opportunities I might not otherwise have had against the Mercedes today, for sure.”

“And it was your call to stay out?”

“Supported by my team, yes.”

“It certainly paid off, as did that very impressive overtake on Felipe Massa. I've got to admit, I very nearly closed my eyes then.”

Seb grinned.

“I have to admit, I nearly did too.”

Martin laughed back and Seb continued.

“You actually couldn't see very much there, but I trusted to the driver by my side. Felipe is an experienced guy and I knew he wasn't going to do anything stupid, but of course yeah it was close.”

“Wait till you watch it back and you might see just _how_ close,” noted Martin, thinking that perception inside the car wasn't always quite the same as what the cameras saw.

“As long as it works, that's all that matters in the end,” added Seb and Martin nodded his head in acknowledgement.

“Work it certainly did. We had a very exciting race to watch today, plenty of incidents and lots for us to chew over. Speaking of which, Lewis...”

 

Martin moved along to the second spot.

“No hard feelings over the couple of tough moves Seb pulled on you at the end there? You sounded pretty het up on the radio.”

“Ah well, in the heat of the moment, sure, but that's racing. It's cool. Seb deserved to win today,” offered Lewis.

“That's very magnanimous of you Lewis. There are some out there who think there was a bit of game-playing there, a bit close to the edge, maybe?”

“We live on the edge,” grinned Lewis.

“Quite. So you don't agree with those who suggest Sebastian brake-tested you to prevent you overtaking?”

“Nah man, that's the game. If I'd been in his position I'd have done what Seb did. I like the challenge. People don't believe me when I say I want to be challenged, but it's true. There's not so much satisfaction in winning a lap ahead of the field and just coasting home. Now and then, sure, but racing is what I live for. Another lap and I'd have had him.”

Lewis smirked over at Sebastian who shrugged knowing it was true, but it didn't matter seeing as only the 44 laps run counted.

 

“Good to see you're still friends,” noted Martin.

Lewis let his eyes drift past Seb to look at his team-mate.

“Yeah you can race hard and still stay friends I think, as long as there's respect there, as long as you race fair. That's all I ever ask.”

“Well said, and congratulations on your second place today. Now you had some equally tough racing with Nico...”

“Yeah, well like I said. Race hard but fair and no one can complain.”

Nico glared over. Lewis had just put him in the position of looking like an unsportsman-like whiner if he said anything against his team-mate's moves now. Martin moved to the far side and began chatting to him and Nico had to try to force a smile and offer up platitudes about it not being his day as Lewis leaned in to chat to Sebastian once more.

 

 

Martin rounded things up and came back to the centre.

“So after a rough day yesterday, you must be pleased to have turned things around today?”

Sebastian tried not to think about how Martin had no idea just how rough yesterday had really been. Getting into a good enough place where he could get into the car and race at all was a victory in itself for Sebastian today. But he ought not to think about that. He had to keep it together and be as strong as Mark said he was, not let anyone see him as weak, not some pathetic messed-up creature from the newspapers stories or Heikki's slurs.

His family was out there watching on TV and he didn't want to worry them either, so Sebastian maintained his smile, thinking instead how great it was that he really had bloody well won after all. Mark was here and his brother, and that hug they had given him had been so full of love it made Seb feel warm just to think of it. The team too, they seemed genuinely thrilled, and they were all down there on his side. Seb glanced over to the pitwall to see Britta give him a little thumbs up and the tiny gesture meant a huge amount. He really did have amazing people around him.

 

“Yeah.”

“One of those races where tyre choice turned out to be pivotal.”

Sebastian nodded. He knew it was true, but Seb really didn't care about tyres right now. He looked down at the crowd again.

“That's right I guess, but what was really pivotal was the support I had today. My team, all the guys down there that made this race possible, that worked on the car and did all those pit-stops so fantastically, the guys back home at the factory, everyone on the pitwall that trusted me and have had my back all weekend.”

Seb hesitated for a second, but he wanted to say what really mattered, he didn't want to leave any ambiguity for once as to whom he owed his success.

“I have to thank my family too, their support means everything... most of all Mark. Without your support I wouldn't be here, so thank you.”

 

Sebastian swallowed, once more on the edge of letting his emotions overtake him. Mark was staring up at him and Seb had eyes for no one but him as Mark gave him a little nod back. He'd said what Seb had never had the nerve to before. Today was a day to be brave and risk it all, because you never knew when the opportunity might arise again.

 

Martin looked where Sebastian's attention was.

“That's Mark and your brother down there,” Martin noted.

Seb nodded. He couldn't speak, certain that if he did he would lose the battle to prevent himself from breaking down altogether. He mustn't cry. He mustn't let people see the tumult of emotions just below the surface and give away how much of a strain this weekend had really been. Seb pushed it away once more and managed to smile, knowing he could let all that out later when he was alone with Mark as he longed to be. He had to hang on until then and just keep going, because that was what he always did.

 

It was obvious to the presenter that Seb was too emotional to give any more response, so Martin rounded things up ready for the drivers to collect their trophies and leave the podium. All the while he was thinking how the race might have been remarkable, but it was nothing compared to how remarkable it was that Sebastian had just dedicated his race win to Mark when only two and a half years ago Martin had been stood on that podium in Malaysia when they could barely look at one another. Remarkable didn't cover it, it was a world turned upside down.

 

 

 

 

Down on the ground Mark was trying equally hard to hold it together. Fabian waved up at his brother once more before he left the stage and then turned to look at Mark, frowning slightly.

“You're not crying are you?” he teased.

Mark shook his head tightly.

“No mate, it's just the rain.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a long old race. I hope it worked.


	70. So Tired I Can't Sleep

 

 

  


Sebastian woke up feeling slightly dazed and took a moment or two to recall what had happened. The whole weekend seemed like a dream and a nightmare rolled into one. It was so extreme that it was still hard for him to get his head around it all. It wasn't quite light yet but Seb recognised his surroundings and remembered that they had decided to stay at the hotel another night and drive to his parents this morning after getting a decent night's sleep. Everything had been so crazy after the race yesterday; team celebrations and interview after interview before finally getting down to a proper debrief of the race itself, it had been dark before they finally left the track.

He'd barely had chance to see Mark for have a proper talk to get any kind of debrief of their own. The few minutes they had managed to steal alone were when Mark had come to his room while Seb showered and changed out of his race-gear. Mark had finally managed to give Sebastian his proper congratulations; holding him tight and telling Seb once again how proud Mark was and how much he loved him. They were precious few snatched moments, but then Sebastian had to make the most of a kiss and last hug before he was off working again, pausing only to let his brother share how excited he was once more before slogging on with his duties.

  


By the time Sebastian got back to the hotel he had been so exhausted that it was all he could do to manage a little food and then crawl into bed. Sebastian had been glad that they hadn't forced themselves to travel that night, but he wished that somehow they could have fallen asleep in the hotel in Spa, yet woken magically in their bed at home.

That wasn't possible of course, and besides they still had to take Fabian back, so for now he had to be grateful that at least he had woken lying next to Mark and for the fact they had gifted themselves a later start. The low light told him it must be a good while until they needed to get up, so Seb shuffled closer to Mark's sleeping form and snuggled in against him, wondering how he had moved so much in the night. As soon as Seb was lying against Mark he instantly felt happier and more relaxed, and fell back to sleep.

  


  


  


Mark turned ever so slightly onto his side, making sure he neither broke contact with Seb nor disturbed him and thus accidentally woke him as Mark knew Seb needed sleep. He had been so tired last night that Seb had hardly had the energy to undress. After everything that had gone on this weekend that was hardly surprising, but Mark had been expecting that Sebastian would finally let out a little of the emotion he had been keeping in since he'd won. Instead, Seb had merely told Mark how much he appreciated his support and how he couldn't have done it without him. Beyond that he had simply clung to Mark as if he never wanted to let go until Seb gave in to fatigue and allowed himself to switch off and go to sleep.

Mark reached up a hand and stroked Sebastian's hair, thinking as he always did how lovely Seb looked when he was asleep, everything soft and peaceful as his chest gently rose and fell against him. They had been nicely wrapped up together when they had fallen asleep but Seb must have shifted in the night. Mark knew he must have been tired as well not to have felt it. He wanted to pull Sebastian closer, but he'd have to make do with this for now. Mark stilled his hand and left it resting carefully at the back of Seb's head, then felt a little guilty that he must have woken him as Sebastian's eyes flickered open and he looked across the pillow to Mark.

“Hey,” smiled Seb.

“Hello,” greeted Mark quietly.

He smiled back at Sebastian and closed the couple of inches between them to give Seb a kiss.

“How're you feeling?” checked Mark.

“Hm? Good yeah I think.”

Seb wasn't quite sure what he thought or felt yet, his brain still felt foggy, but not in an unpleasant way. Waking up sleepy and warm in bed with Mark was never anything but good.

  


“You think?” teased Mark.

Seb took a deep breath and pressed in, encouraging Mark to slip his arm underneath him and pull Seb closer at last.

“You should feel good after what you did yesterday,” concurred Mark.

“Mm, thank you.”

Sebastian kissed him again and started stroking a hand over Mark's skin.

“Do we have to get up yet?” asked Seb.

  


Mark pulled away for a moment to check his phone on the nightstand before returning.

“Nope we've got a while.”

He tweaked an eyebrow at Seb who tweaked one back before smiling a little wider and stroking his hand lower.

“I can think of a way you could definitely make me feel good,” prompted Sebastian.

“Mmm. So can I.”

Mark moved slightly over Sebastian and gave him a grin before leaning in to kiss Seb in earnest and forget all about everything else as they took some time to celebrate in their own way.

  


  


  


  


  


Seb was fast asleep lying partly across him, his arm slung over Mark's torso. It felt unkind to wake him, but he really did have to. Mark moved his hand from where it had been resting holding Sebastian in place and gave his shoulder a gentle shake.

“Seb, wake up darling, we have to get up now.”

Nothing.

Another shake.

“Seb?”

Nothing.

Mark sighed and almost laughed at the way Sebastian rose and fell with the movement of his chest, but utterly failed to respond to him. Mark tipped his head around. Seb looked so peaceful, resting pressed into him. It really wasn't fair when Mark knew Seb was tired, but they had to get up.

  


He stroked Sebastian's cheek then ran a finger down his nose, finally getting a slight twitch.

“Wake up sweetheart, come on.”

Sebastian finally opened his eyes a little then clearly thought better of it and closed them again, but Mark wasn't fooled.

“We have to get up,” chided Mark with an amused little smile. “I know you're awake Seb.”

Sebastian pouted and turned his head in to snuffle into Mark's chest.

“No, still asleep,” mumbled Seb.

He felt Mark vibrate against him as he laughed.

“No you're not. I know you're tired darling but we've got to get going.”

Mark paused and a wicked little grin snuck onto his face.

“Your brother will be at that door in fifteen minutes and I can't remember if I locked it.”

  


Seb lifted his head at that and looked at the door before he considered that his little brother really would knock before wandering in to find them like this, but it was too late. Mark was sitting up and as his former comfortable pillow moved he was pushing Seb up as well.

Sebastian let out a long sigh and rubbed at his face to try to rouse himself. He felt as though he could sleep for hours, but apparently that wasn't an option. Finally reaching something approximating full consciousness Seb took Mark's offered hand as he climbed out of bed and let himself be led to the shower.

Mark leant in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You can sleep in the car,” he suggested.

Seb nodded and stepped under the water to let it wake him properly, thinking that at least Mark was doing the driving today.

  


  


  


  


  


  


Mark reached over and gave Seb's knee a little pat as they sped along the autobahn in the hire car they had arranged to retain from the race weekend. Sebastian was very quiet, as indeed was Fabian, sat in the back fiddling with his phone, but Mark was more concerned with Seb.

“Tired?”

“Mm,” agreed Sebastian.

“Why don't you try to get a bit more sleep?” suggested Mark.

Seb sighed, thinking he wasn't very comfortable, which didn't take a lot for Mark to interpret. He glanced in the rear-view mirror at Fabian.

“Fabe can you pass your brother that hoody?” requested Mark.

“Hm? Sure.”

Fabian did as he was asked, passing it forward from the back-seat where Mark had left it. Sebastian took the hoody and folded it up so he could lean on it against the window.

Mark glanced over to see if he was settling.

“That better sweetheart?”

  


Sebastian gave him a smile and nodded as Mark smiled back and gave his leg a rub and then left his hand sitting on Seb's knee seeing as the car was running on cruise control along the motorway. Mark returned his attention to the road which was fairly quiet mid-morning. He glanced back at Fabian again and thought that in a couple of years Fabian would be able to perhaps drive them instead, which would be nice seeing as Mark could use a rest himself.

  


Seb closed his eyes and tried to drift off. Normally he could sleep anywhere, but he felt oddly unsettled today. The hoody smelt like Mark which was comforting and it felt nice to have Mark's hand on his knee, but it wasn't really the contact Seb longed for. He wanted to curl up properly with Mark and sleep breathing in the real thing, but this would have to do for now. Sebastian thought he needed a whole other weekend just sleeping to make up for this weekend gone.

In truth Seb wished they could have headed straight home, but it wouldn't have been fair on his brother after the unsettling time he'd had just to shove the poor kid off to catch a train or a flight on his own. Plus Seb knew his family wanted to congratulate him in person. Seb thought it would be good to show them that he was really alright as well since his mother had sounded distinctly worried after his performance on the podium. That in addition all the comments the media had made about his 'emotional win' had told Sebastian he hadn't done quite as well as he had hoped at hiding how he felt after all.

He tried not to worry about that now; There was only so much you could keep things buried below the surface before you were in danger of cracking. Maybe it wasn't so bad that people saw a little of how Seb truly felt. Sebastian pushed that away and everything else that had been swirling in his head for the past two days. Instead he concentrated on the steady rhythm of the car's movements, on the touch of Mark's hand, and on the scent of Mark that lingered in the soft inside of the hoody where he rested his face. Just a bit more sleep and surely he would feel better.

  


  


  


  


  


Sebastian woke up as Mark gave him a little shake. He snapped upright and looked around him.

“We're here.”

Sebastian looked at Mark dumbly.

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled.

“We're at your parents.”

“Oh, right, yeah.”

Fabian reached through the gap to tap his brother on the shoulder.

“Come on Seb, time to stop snoring,” teased Fabian before climbing out of the car.

  


Mark shook his head at Sebastian.

“You weren't snoring,” he reassured.

They copied Fabian and got out of the car. Fabian was half way towards the house before Mark called him back as he opened up the boot of the car.

“Er, Fabe I believe this is yours.”

Fabian turned tail and obediently returned to fetch his case as Mark took his other bag for him. Mark slung an arm around Sebastian as they walked towrds the house.

“You awake yet?” checked Mark.

Seb gave a slight shrug.

“I don't feel like I've been awake all day.”

“No, well, hardly surprising. Never mind, I've no doubt your mother is about to ply us with coffee.”

Right on cue the front door opened and Sebastian's parents came out to greet them with hugs and Seb could hardly feel sleepy as they were swept into the house on a wave of congratulations and excitement.

 

 

  


  


  


  


Sebastian sat next to Mark, sipping his coffee in the lounge as he let his little brother do all the work of recounting what had happened yesterday.

“...and then I got to be in the team celebration photo. Did you see it?”

Mark smiled over at Fabian, glad to see that he at least seemed to have woken up and was sharing his renewed enthusiasm for the race win.

“Yes dear, we saw. They showed it on television. We'll have to see if we can get a copy of the picture and have it framed,” suggested Heike. “That would be nice wouldn't it?”

She glanced at her husband who nodded. They weren't about to mention that they had also seen it in the papers this morning, accompanied by more than a few comments, not on Fabian sat by his brother, but on Mark sitting on Sebastian's other side. You could see that Mark's arm had been resting around Seb's waist as they sat in front of the team gathered around and this closeness hadn't gone unnoticed. The media had been enjoying pointing out the contrast with only a few years ago when Mark had only appeared in Sebastian's race winning team photos on sufferance and not at all towards the end of the 2013 season.

There was no point bringing up any of that when all they cared about was that they looked happy in that picture from yesterday. Times changed and their son was happy now, that was all that mattered.

  


“Maybe you could ask about that for us Seb?” suggested his father.

“Mm? Oh yeah. I'm in tomorrow so I'll ask then,” agreed Sebastian.

His mother frowned.

“You're back in work?”

“Yes Mum, we have to do the post-race debrief.”

Sebastian hid a frown, surely his parents knew how things ran by now. Sometimes it was as if they thought he simply turned up and jumped in the car to drive around.

“Oh I see, well... Yes, thank you, if you could.”

  


His mother thought Sebastian would be better off having a proper rest by the looks of it. They never seemed to stop. Seb had reassured them that he was really fine and that yesterday had simply been a tough race and he'd just felt a bit overcharged on the podium after not winning for so long, but he still seemed quiet and was sat very closely with Mark on the sofa.

Then again it seemed that they were always like that. Heike was still getting used to seeing her son being so naturally affectionate with his boyfriend, but it was always nice to see how caring Mark was of Seb. That kiss at the end of the race had been all over the papers too, but she wasn't about to mention that and make them worry about it, after all why shouldn't they celebrate with a kiss when they were so obviously in love with each other? If it had been another driver with his girlfriend or wife, no one would have batted an eyelid. It wasn't fair that Seb should be treated differently.

  


“Are you tired out then?” she asked.

“Yeah pretty tired,” piped up Fabian.

Norbert huffed a laugh and shook his head at their youngest.

“She was talking to Seb.”

“Oh.”

Fabian frowned slightly. He _was_ tired. He'd been so over-excited after the race yesterday that when he had finally got to bed he couldn't sleep, so he had attempted to replay the race in his head, but it wasn't that easy to remember it all. His parents had assured him they had recorded it though, so hopefully they could re-watch it later. It'd be weird to see himself on TV. Several of his friends had sent him messages telling him they had seen him in the garage and at the end of the race, which he couldn't deny was pretty cool.

“Well you can have an early night tonight then Fabian,” insisted his mother.

Fabian nearly protested, but he kept his mouth shut, knowing he'd walked right into that one.

  


“Seb?” pressed his mother.

Sebastian re-focussed his attention from his coffee to the sofa opposite.

“Oh, yeah, yeah I'm just tired Mum, sorry.”

“We'll definitely be needing an early night,” agreed Mark.

Seb looked at him and gave Mark a little smile. He really couldn't wait to be nicely home and back in their own bed together.

“Right then, if you're alright here I'm going to go and see to things in the kitchen. Norbert, can you bring those cups?”

  


Seb's parents got up and Fabian looked for the remote control to turn the television on, but his mother saw what he was doing.

“No you don't. Go take those bags up and sort all your things out,” Heike instructed.

“Oh Mum I'm _tired_ ,” protested Fabian.

“Now Fabian, and put all your dirty washing in the laundry basket, then I can get it done later.”

Fabian huffed and his shoulders slumped, but he did as he was told and left the room to find his bags in the hall.

  


Left alone, Mark gave Sebastian a little smile.

“Poor Fabe back under the thumb,” Mark sympathised. “He was good as gold for me.”

Sebastian's little brother hadn't resisted anything that Mark had asked of him while in his care, but then that was rather different, and now Fabian seemed back in ordinary teenage mode.

Seb nodded, thinking he should make a point of telling his parents how good Fabian had been on his visit. He probably was just tired, but his brother had been subdued this morning and Sebastian didn't want to think he was still worrying about him after Fabian had got so worked up on Saturday.

“I think he spent more time with you on this trip than he did me,” admitted Seb.

“You were rather busy.”

“Yeah I guess.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“It's going to seem quiet at home without your brother around.”

Seb gave him a look.

“You sound like you'll miss him.”

Mark shrugged.

“Think I might a bit, but it'll be nice to have the place to ourselves.”

“Yeah, god I can't wait to be honest,” admitted Seb.

“Me too, just a few hours and we'll be home.”

Seb nodded and sighed, thinking how he longed for that. Mark gave a smile.

“I'm sure he'll miss us more.”

“Hmm, yeah I think I'll go give him a hand, just check he's alright. You'll be okay on your own won't you?”

“Sure. I'll see if your dad needs a hand with the washing up,” offered Mark.

Sebastian slid him a grin and rubbed a thumb over Mark's stubbly jaw.

“Such a suck-up,” he teased.

Mark shrugged.

“I just know which side my bread's buttered mate.”

  


Mark snuck a little kiss before they got up and went to the hallway, Seb heading upstairs to his brother's room, Mark to the kitchen.

 

  


  


  


  


Sebastian didn't knock seeing as Fabian's bedroom door was wide open. His brother had dragged the laundry basket from the bathroom to save himself the arduous task of crossing the landing and was digging through his case, pulling out items Fabian considered beyond re-wearing.

“Alright?” checked Seb as he wandered in.

“Hm? Yeah, you know,” shrugged Fabian, delving into his bag again and coming out with a pair of jeans that he looked at then chucked back in the direction of his chest of drawers where a small pile clothes he had decreed 'good enough' lay.

Sebastian took a seat on the bed.

“Can't expect Mum to run around after you all the time.”

“Hmm, spose.”

Seb smiled to himself thinking how disgruntled he had always felt to come home from races where he had been successfully independent, only for his mother to immediately start treating him like a little boy the minute he walked through the door.

“You'll miss it one day,” suggested Sebastian.

  


Fabian didn't respond and Seb left it, thinking you only ever realised how easy you had it at home when you finally had to face the real world as an adult.

“Do you want help, if you're tired?” offered Seb.

His brother shook his head.

“You must be more tired.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah I guess.”

“You're really okay aren't you?”

Fabian didn't want to mention any of the specifics.

Seb nodded.

“I'm just tired. Don't worry about me.”

  


Fabian looked at him as if not entirely sure he believed him and Sebastian could only shake his head.

“I'm your older brother. I'm meant to worry about you, not the other way around.”

Fabian turned slightly further from where he was crouching on the floor. He wasn't sure whether to say anything seeing as he didn't want to upset his brother, but the truth was he _did_ worry about Seb. He squished his face up a bit and then stared at Sebastian for a moment too long.

“What is it?” pressed Sebastian.

Fabian hesitated another moment, then he spat it out.

“That guy, the one who... He's not done anything more has he?”

  


Sebastian sighed. He didn't want Heikki to turn into a bogeyman in his little brother's mind. Seb shook his head.

“No he's gone to ground I think,” he reassured.

Fabian nodded, but he still looked unsettled.

“Come here.”

Sebastian indicated next to him on the bed and his brother got up to sit with him.

“I don't think he's going to do anything now okay. He was just lashing out with those rumours cos he was jealous that Mark and I are happy, that's all. But it didn't work, okay?”

“Okay.”

Fabian didn't sound entirely convinced, so Seb put an arm around his brother and gave him a little squeeze.

“He can't do anything more, alright. He can't go to the papers, no one would believe anything he said,” Seb insisted.

Fabian furrowed his brow.

“Okay... He wouldn't try going to your house again would he, and... I don't know, try to make trouble?”

Sebastian sighed heavily, feeling bad that he had put all these ideas into his little brother's head.

“No Fabe, he wouldn't dare. I live with Mark now, don't I?”

“Yeah spose.”

“And do you think anyone would try something with Mark around?”

“No.”

  


Fabian thought Mark seemed a pretty imposing figure. He couldn't imagine someone wanting to try it on with Mark, even if he was actually a very kind caring person, he did look pretty big and tough.

“Exactly. So there's nothing to worry about, alright. And we've got the dogs too. They make a hell of a racket when a stranger comes near the house, so we'd know right away if anything was up.”

“Okay. They didn't for me though?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Well we told them you were coming didn't we? Besides you're family, so they know you're alright. I know they seem friendly, but if they sense any kind of danger they're very protective. If he came anywhere near the house they'd eat him all up, okay Fabe?”

  


Fabian had to smile at that. He did feel better to think of his brother being protected by Mark and the dogs.

“I'm not worried, so you don't need to be either,” insisted Seb.

“Okay then,” agreed Fabian.

“Okay. I don't want you worrying about me, there's nothing to worry about.”

Fabian nodded and Seb gave his arm a rub.

“It's just been a weird weekend. Good and bad, but it ended good and that's all that matters,” insisted Sebastian, only slightly working on convincing himself.

“Okay then.”

“Good. Right, shall I help then?”

Fabian shrugged, which Seb read as yes, so he gave him one more squeeze, then the two of them set to work unpacking and tidying up.

 

 

  


  


  


  


Mark stood around in the kitchen, feeling at a bit of a loose end seeing as Seb's parents refused any help. Seb's mother was making preparations for lunch while Norbert did the washing up. He considered going upstairs, but Mark suspected Seb wanted a bit of time alone with his brother. He could go back through to wait in the lounge, but he would only be sat there on his own twiddling his thumbs, plus he didn't want to seem rude, so Mark stayed where he was, slightly awkwardly leaning on the kitchen table, making polite chit-chat.

  


“Fabian was really very good while he was with us you know,” praised Mark.

Norbert finished drying off the mugs and turned around, wiping his hands on the tea-towel as he looked at Mark.

“Was he? Good. Well I'm glad to hear it. I hope it wasn't too much having him for so long.”

Mark shook his head.

“He was no trouble, and I'm sure Seb was glad to see more of him.”

Heike dipped down to check in the oven then stood to look also.

“Well Fabian's been going on about it for months. He was terribly excited to be allowed to go on his own.” Heike smiled. “I was a little bit worried about him travelling alone, but thank you for looking after him.”

“Course. Like I say, it was no trouble. He's a very sensible lad.”

  


Norbert gave Heike a little 'told you so' look and she sighed.

“I know we're very over-protective, but Fabian's the baby of the family. He'll always be my baby. Seb seemed so much more grown-up by his age.”

“Well Seb was racing dearest, he had to be more mature with all that,” added in Norbert.

“Hmmm,” frowned Seb's mother, unhappily thinking of all the arguments they had had over the years over how their son had drifted away from them too soon. “I'm not so sure that was really good for him.”

“Mm, I can't help thinking sometimes that Seb grew up too fast,” agreed Mark.

  


Mark heard a noise and saw Sebastian stood in the hallway through the open door. He was staring at Mark looking horrified.

“ _Seb.”_

Mark crossed the kitchen into the hall, but Seb hauled the front door open and was out of the house before Mark had time to say anything. He ran a hand through his hair, wondering exactly what Sebastian thought they were discussing. Mark rushed outside to catch him up, but by the time he had reached the end of the path he could see Sebastian was half way down the street.

 

  


Sebastian was almost running down the pavement. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. He had been coming downstairs feeling better about things following his chat with his brother and then he had got to the hall only to be hit with the horrible shock of hearing Mark _talking about him_ to his parents. Seb felt a hand on his shoulder and knew it would be Mark, but he shrugged it off without turning around.

“Seb. Hey come on,” tried Mark.

Sebastian stopped walking but he didn't turn. He couldn't look at Mark. He couldn't believe Mark could betray him like that. Sebastian dropped his head, trying not to cry.

  


“ _Seb._ ”

Mark walked around him to stand facing Sebastian. He tipped his head to the side to try to duck into Seb's view but he could see Seb had closed his eyes.

“Sweetheart, please.”

Sebastian forced his head up to look at Mark.

“How _could_ you?”

Mark was stunned to hear how upset Seb sounded.

“Seb I wasn't talking about you.”

“Yes you were. I heard you.”

“We were talking about Fabian,” protested Mark.

Sebastian shook his head unhappily.

“You said I grew up too fast. What were you saying to them?”

Mark sighed heavily. He placed a hand on Sebastian's arm but Seb shook it off again.

  


“We weren't talking about you. I promise.”

“I _heard_ you.”

Mark was about to protest his innocence again when Seb's face crumpled as he thought that Mark must be lying to him and tears started leaking out. The very idea that Mark could ever lie to him was devastating. Seb closed his eyes to try to stop it, but his shoulders hunched up and he was sobbing. Mark couldn't lie to him, he never lied to him, never.

  


“Oh Seb, _don't._ Don't cry sweetheart, please. I promise you we were talking about your brother.”

Mark dipped his head to try to get Seb's attention, but he was lost in tears.

“I promise darling, we were. I was saying he'd been so good and your mum only said you seemed older than him at that age and I...”

Mark heart sank as he realised he really _had_ been talking about Seb without realising.

“...I'm sorry Seb. I didn't mean to. I was just agreeing, I... I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have said anything at all. I didn't think. Your mum was just saying they baby Fabian a bit and your dad said you had to grow up because you were off racing and... I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry darling, please, I'm _really_ sorry.”

  


Sebastian relented and looked up at Mark, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve.

“You weren't talking about me?” Seb checked quietly.

He knew his mother had been worried about him and thought she might have asked Mark what had been going on. The idea that Mark might tell his family anything Seb had confided to him didn't bare thinking about.

“Only what I said at the end,” admitted Mark. “I shouldn't have said that. I don't know what I was thinking Seb, I'm so sorry darling. I'm sorry.”

  


Sebastian was looking up at Mark with those big blue eyes, his eyelashes wet with tears and Mark thought his heart must break if he had really hurt him. He reached up and tentatively stroked a knuckle very gently under Seb's eyes to dry them. Mark ducked a little lower to make sure he was in Sebastian's eye-line.

  


“It wasn't right that I said you grew up too fast. It's not my place. It just slipped out. I'm sorry.”

Seb sniffled a bit and tried to pull himself back, thinking that Mark looked awful.

“It is true though,” conceded Sebastian.

Mark frowned, so Seb explained.

“I did grow up too fast.”

“Oh.”

Mark wasn't sure what to say. It might be true, but more important was the fact that Sebastian didn't want any hint of the consequences of that past reaching his family. He rested his hand on Seb's cheek and looked at him.

“I promise I didn't say anything else Seb. I'd never do that. I'd never say anything about, well you know, anything else...”

Seb nodded. He knew that. He _did_ know that.

“I know you wouldn't. I know you'd never say anything. I'm sorry. I over-reacted.”

  


  


The panic and distress had subsided as quickly as it had flared up in Sebastian. He looked at Mark's concerned expression and knew that Mark could never betray him.

“I don't know what's wrong with me today. My head's a mess and I feel all churned up inside. Like I can't settle.”

Mark let out a long sigh at hearing Sebastian upset, but also more than a little relieved to be let off the hook for his transgression.

“There's nothing wrong with you Seb, you're just tired sweetheart.”

He stroked his thumb at the edge of Sebastian's cheek as he cupped his face and looked at him.

“I slept in the car,” admitted Seb.

“Not a proper sleep.”

Sebastian took a shuddery little breath, still recovering himself and Mark thought about how Seb had failed to let out all that pent up emotion from yesterday. He moved his hand and pulled Seb into a firm hug. Sebastian slid his arms around Mark's neck and clung on tightly. Mark held onto him, knowing that was what Seb needed, eventually letting go as he considered that this really wasn't the place for this.

  


“Let's go back.”

Sebastian rubbed at his eyes once more and worried that it would be obvious that he had been crying to his family.

“No, not just yet,” stalled Seb.

Mark frowned and Sebastian gave a half-shrug.

“I don't want them to see me like this.”

“Ah.”

“There's a little park round the corner,” explained Sebastian.

“Shall we have a bit of air then?”

  


Seb nodded and Mark put his arm around him as they walked on.

“I'm sorry for getting worked up.”

Mark shook his head.

“No sweetheart, it's my fault. I've got a big mouth. I'm sorry.”

He gave Seb a squeeze and turned to kiss his temple.

  


 

They walked a couple of streets over to the small park and found a bench. There were few people about, only a couple of mothers with small children at the playground on the far side. There was a flowerbed in front of them, filled with the last of the summer's roses. As they sat down together Mark thought that it might not be their usual bench, but at least they weren't stood in the street. A little bit of nature, even if artificial, was always calming. Mark gave Sebastian's arm a rub as he pressed in close and forgot what he was going to say. Instead Mark turned and put his other arm around him as Seb slipped his arms around Mark's middle and rested his forehead on Mark's shoulder.

  


Mark held on to him for a good long while. Sometimes it was better than speaking. It was Seb that eventually pulled up to look at Mark.

“I don't know why I feel so shaken up,” he confessed.

He trusted Mark, Seb knew that. He couldn't understand why he had flown off the handle at such a little slip by Mark, nor why he felt so unsettled and as though he needed Mark to hold him all the time.

  


Mark tipped his head to the side a little as he looked at Seb.

“Of course you're shaken up. It's been a crazy weekend. Down, up, all over the place. Working your arse off and all the while going through that shit with you know who. You kept it together sweetheart and you pulled it off, but of course that's a strain. I don't know how you held it together so long.”

Seb nodded, he'd been thinking everything ought to be fixed now that Heikki had been dealt with and the race weekend completed with such success, but it wasn't that simple. He almost felt like crying again at hearing Mark sympathising and making sense of things when Seb was too exhausted to think straight, but he didn't want to. He settled back resting his head on Mark's shoulder and decided to stop caring why he needed Mark to hold on to him and merely be grateful that he was here to do so.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“And then on top of that you went and won the bloody race as well. God only knows how darling, because I don't.”

  


Seb looked up a little and Mark gave him a smile and stroked a finger down his cheek.

“Other than the fact you're bloody incredible, obviously.”

Sebastian smiled back a little shyly. Mark always said the nicest things about him.

“I meant what I said Liebling. I couldn't have done it without you,” insisted Seb.

“Well thank you. That was very sweet of you, but you did all the hard work. You ran an awesome race. That overtake on Felipe...”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“You liked it?” tested Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I was terrified, but you did it. You always achieve the impossible. You won the race, you handled the press like a pro as ever. You were great with the team. You work so hard Seb. I know not everyone realises how hard you work for your successes but I do.”

“I know, I know you do, but I mean it Mark. I really couldn't do it without you.

“Well we're a team aren't we?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian nodded.

“Good. And you're going to come and be my team this weekend aren't you?”

Seb nodded again.

“Unless you're too tired? You could stay home and rest up for Monza,” suggested Mark, thinking that maybe it might be better Seb get more of a break to recover.

“No, I'm coming with you, of course I am.”

“You're sure? If you're wiped out, it might be better...”

“No. I wouldn't want to stay home if you aren't there, not when I can be with you. We have to make the most of this while we can.”

  


Mark gave a little shrug. He knew it was true. Soon enough it would be the end of the season and they would have no choice in the matter.

“Okay, if you're sure. I know you'd be supporting me just as much if you weren't there.”

“I would, but I'm coming along Mark. I want to support you. It's my turn.”

“Fair enough, I'll be very glad you're there.”

“You're going to have a great weekend, I'm sure. I wouldn't want to miss it.”

“Well I wouldn't want to deprive you of that,” grinned Mark.

“And Jess will be there, so it's not like I'll be on my own, and it'll be nice to see Jenson too.”

“Oh so you're not really that fussed about me,” teased Mark.

  


Sebastian pouted, but he knew Mark was joking. It felt good that they could do that. He hated it when he got worked up. It was far nicer when they were like this and Mark could tease him and make him feel better. They were still holding onto one another and Seb appreciated that this was what he had been needing; Mark holding him close and them just being _normal_ , not extreme highs or lows as it had been all weekend, leaving him wrung out and on edge.

  


Seb neglected to come up with a repost and simply smiled up at Mark for a few moments before remembering to answer.

“Of course it's for you. It's always for you. I always want to be with you.”

“I know. Me too darling, me too.”

“Plus it's your birthday. How could I be apart from you on your birthday?” protested Seb.

“Ah well now that is a good point,” agreed Mark. “I would be sad to be on my own on my birthday. Especially as I'm going to be so old.”

Seb frowned.

“You're not old Mark.”

“I'm going to be forty in a year.”

Sebastian had to admit to himself that forty did sound rather old, but old was never what he saw when he looked at Mark. He pushed up and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“You're not old, you're perfect, and we're not arguing about this.”

  


A little crease settled between Sebastian's brows.

“I hate that we've been arguing lately,” he confessed.

Mark frowned more.

“We've not.”

“Just now, and when we came back from holiday.”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm not sure they really count as arguments, but if they do that's okay. It's normal.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course Seb. Couples argue and then make up. We've made up again haven't we?”

“Of course we have. I just don't like it.”

“No, well neither do I, but it is normal. With everything that's gone on it's amazing we don't more.”

Seb looked unhappy at that.

“I don't want to argue.”

“No darling, neither do I, but I'm just saying it's not the end of the world if we disagree occasionally, that's all. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, it's just life.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” checked Mark and gained a more solid nod in reply.

“We'll just have to make sure we do it as little as possible,” offered Mark.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh and Mark gave him a squeeze as they let themselves sit togther until they felt properly settled down.

  


  


 

“Ready to go back?”

Seb shrugged. He was quite liking being where they were with Mark holding onto him like this.

“Do I look okay now.”

Mark nodded.

“You look fine darling,” he reassured.

“To be totally honest Liebling, I just wish we could be at home,” admitted Seb.

“Hmm.”

“I just want us to lie on the sofa for a bit. I'd really like a day off. A proper day off.”

“Yeah, me too. Maybe we could duck out early?” suggested Mark.

“Leave?”

“I don't know. It's up to you.”

“Do you think we could catch an earlier flight?”

“Maybe.”

  


Mark thought they could check when they got back. He seemed to remember seeing one a few hours before their booked flight. Surely it wouldn't be full in the middle of a Monday?

“We could just wait till my sisters get here and then not stay for lunch. I really would like to get home,” proposed Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“Okay well why don't we head back and see?”

  


  


  


They got up and Mark took Seb's hand as they walked back towards the house. As they approached he saw another car and wasn't sure which sister it belonged to.

“Mel's here,” noted Seb.

“Ah, right.”

Time to go in for another round of congratulations and explanations and running through everything again. No wonder Seb was worn out by it all.

  


  


  


 

 

Mark and Sebastian walked back into the house and were about to head into the lounge when Seb's mother saw them and came out of the kitchen to meet them in the hall. She frowned slightly as she looked at her son.

“Everything alright?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah, I just needed some fresh air for a bit, that's all,” he excused.

“Oh, I see, well...”

Heike wasn't entirely convinced, but there was no point pushing it.

“Okay well Mel is here, Stef just sent a message to say they're running a bit late.”

“They? Is Jan coming too?”

“Yes, I thought I said, yes they took the day off, they want to see you before you're off all over the place again.”

“Right.”

  


Seb felt bad for wanting to dash off now.

“I don't think they'll be too long. Lunch isn't ready yet anyway. I've done your favourite; roast chicken. That's alright for you isn't it Mark?”

“Yes that's fine, very nice, thank you.”

“Oh, umm, yeah, great, thanks Mum.”

“Good, well go through and see your sister and I'll bring some more drinks in.”

  


Heike went back to the kitchen and Seb turned to look at Mark, who shrugged and gave a little shake of his head, knowing exactly what Sebastian was thinking; There was no way they could leave early.

“Sorry Mark,” whispered Sebastian.

“No it's fine. It was for you anyway. You'll be alright won't you?”

Seb nodded.

“It's just a couple of hours.”

Mark gave Sebastian a half squeeze as they stood there and leant in to kiss his cheek.

“It's fine. We'll have a nice lunch, give your family chance to say how pleased they are. We'll still get home in time to walk the dogs and have dinner. We can curl up on the sofa and watch a film tonight. How does that sound?”

Seb smiled, thinking that sounded perfect.

“That sounds good.”

“Home before we know it,” assured Mark.

“Yeah. Okay then.”

Seb re-set himself and set his shoulders back to go through into the lounge to be on show again.

  


  


  


  


Sebastian sat leaning into Mark's side as they drank yet more coffee in the lounge, Fabian taking the lead once again as he filled his sister in on events.

“And then when we were leaving this reporter came up and asked Seb what it was like to have won the first F1 race as a gay driver,” recounted Fabian.

Melanie looked at Sebastian and pulled a face.

“He didn't?”

Seb shrugged.

“What did you say?”

Sebastian gave a wry smile.

“I didn't. Fabe did.”

Melanie turned to Fabian again who was looking a little pleased with himself.

“I asked him if he'd forgotten the other forty races Seb's won.”

Melanie laughed.

“Ha, excellent point. What an idiot.”

“Mm,” allowed Sebastian.

  


In truth it was a point that had been raised by any number of other journalists yesterday, if perhaps in more subtle ways. Seb had insisted to each and every one that this race was no different to any of the others that had gone before. That wasn't entirely accurate, but his openness about his sexuality wasn't the difference, rather the circumstances of the weekend. Seb hoped people didn't think that was the reason he had got so worked up on the podium when it had nothing to do with that.

  


Fabian looked over at his brother who hadn't said very much.

“You're not annoyed I said that are you?” he checked.

“Huh? Oh, no, although you could have pointed out Mark's wins as well,” noted Seb with a glance to his side.

“Oh damn, yes of course. Sorry Mark,” apologised Fabian.

Mark shook his head. He really didn't care about such things.

“No worries Fabe.”

“I know I'm not meant to say anything to them,” assured Fabian, mostly for his mother's benefit.

“Ah well, just this once I think we'll let you off,” allowed Mark.

  


“You're all over the papers,” noted Melanie cheerfully.

“Am I?”

Mel raised an eyebrow.

“Both of you actually.”

Seb frowned a little and his sister grinned at them.

“You kissing Mark when you won. It's on all the front pages. I nipped out to buy some milk this morning and I saw them.”

“Oh. Right.”

  


Seb wasn't sure what to say. He'd known that there were cameras around, but in that moment of victory he had been too happy to consider the consequences. He didn't want to have to think of that joyful moment in anything other than positive terms. Seb glanced at Mark who gave him a reassuring smile and a little shrug. What could you do?

 

“You just look happy,” assured Heike.

“ _Very_ happy,” teased Mel.

Norbert shook his head.

“You'd have thought they'd have got over it by now.”

Sebastian just nodded and finished his coffee.

“Right, Melanie help me with these mugs will you?” prompted Heike.

Mark leant in and whispered in Sebastian's ear.

“It's fine, don't worry about it.”

Seb simply nodded again and Mark slipped his arm around him as Sebastian dropped his head on Mark's shoulder with a little sigh. He wished his eldest sister would hurry up, then they could have lunch and get on. He knew it was selfish when his family were going to so much trouble to make a fuss of him, but he really wanted to get home. He wanted to lie in Mark's arms on the sofa with only the dogs for company. He wanted to pick some familiar film to watch and have a good cathartic cry at the plot, knowing that Mark wouldn't judge him for it, only hold him tight, remind him everything was okay, then take him to bed. Just a few hours and Seb could have what he needed.

  


  


  


Melanie dumped the collected mugs by the sink and her mother turned to regard her.

“I wish you wouldn't do that Mel.”

Melanie frowned.

“Do what?”

“Tease your poor brother.”

Mel sighed.

“Oh come on Mum, I was only joking.”

“I know you were dear, but you know how Seb worries about the press. It's best if you don't mention them.”

“I didn't mean any harm. It's a nice picture. You said so yourself,” defended Mel.

“I know, I know, just...”

“What?”

“He's very sensitive about these things and there was all that bad business this weekend too,” explained Heike.

  


Melanie was about to say the two things weren't related, but maybe they were in her brother's head.

Her mother checked the oven again and then came back over.

“Be nice to them Mel, I think your brother is still a bit worked up.”

“Oh Mum he's just tired, he said so.”

“Well that's what he says, but you know what he's like.”

“What do you mean?” wondered Melanie.

Her mother sighed and shook her head.

“Seb always says what he thinks people want to hear, he never wants to let people down,” explained Heike.

  


Over the last year they had learnt that lesson only too well. She loved her son, but Heike knew that Seb kept things from them. In the past she had ignored her instincts and accepted it when Seb always said he was fine, and too many times Heike had discovered her instincts to be concerned had been correct. Now her instincts were telling Heike once again that her boy wasn't quite right, but he _had_ looked happy to have won and to have had the chance to share that victory with Mark. Seb had thanked Mark publicly as well which much have taken a lot of courage given how much fuss the media made of their relationship. How terrible it was that for her son the best thing in his life should be something the world insisted on making difficult for him. No wonder Sebastian was troubled.

  


  


Melanie paused at what her mother had said. She'd always teased her younger brother, that was what their relationship was like, how it had always been. Even if she was secretly very proud of Seb, Mel had always expressed that by making a joke of things.

“Sorry,” apologised Mel. “Do you think he's not alright then?”

“Ah I don't know, he won't say will he?”

“He probably really is tired you know,” tried Mel.

Heike nodded.

“I'm sure he is. I just don't want him worrying about more problems with the media, okay?”

“Okay. I won't say any more,” agreed Melanie, feeling somewhat guilty.

“Thank you. I know you don't mean anything by it Mel, but...”

“I get it, alright?”

“Good.”

“They do look happy in that photo though,” noted Melanie.

“Yes dear, they do. I think Mark is very good for him,” agreed her mother.

Melanie laughed a little.

“Well you should hear Fabe, he thinks the sun shines out of Mark.”

Heike shook her head.

“Now don't be mean to your baby brother. By the sounds of it Mark spent most of his time looking after Fabian, so we should be glad he's so nice when I've no doubt he didn't want some little boy pestering him the whole time.”

“Now who's mean?” smiled Melanie.

“Well...”

“Yeah okay. Mark's a nice guy and I promise to be on my best behaviour, okay Mum?”

“Good, well you can start by putting those potatoes on to cook,” instructed Heike.

  


Melanie did as she was asked and decided to try to be more supportive when that was usually Stef's role. She hoped Seb really was okay. He had seemed pretty worked up on the podium, but every time she had spoken to him over the weekend he had insisted he was fine. Was Seb really just saying what he thought they wanted to hear?

  


  


  


  


Stef and Jan finally arrived and there was another round of congratulations and assurances from Seb that he was fine, just tired. As soon as they were done with that, they sat down to the lunch that Heike had been keeping warm. Heike got her younger daughter to help out to hurry things along and they were soon tucking in. She was glad to see Sebastian eating plenty of food at least. It wasn't something she had to worry about with Fabian who Heike made wait until last to serve himself so that there was actually some lunch left for the rest of the family.

Heike looked across at Stefanie sat with Jan who was chatting to Mark opposite him.

“You're alright aren't you?” Heike checked quietly.

Stef looked up.

“Hm? Oh yes, just you know... Sorry we were late.”

“Well don't worry about that.”

Heike looked around the table.

“Nice to have the whole family home,” noted Heike more loudly.

“It's a bit like Christmas,” suggested Fabian.

“You're certainly eating as if it was,” countered Norbert. “I've no doubt you ate poor Seb and Mark out of house and home while you were there, am I right Mark?”

“Ah well he's a growing lad, aren't you Fabe?” smiled Mark.

“Yeah, _see_ ,” defended Fabian, glad that Mark was backing him up.

Norbert huffed a laugh.

“I think that was code, for yes.”

“He was very good Dad,” added Sebastian.

“Does that mean I can come again?”

Seb glanced at Mark who smiled back thinking Fabian wasted no time.

“I'm sure at some point,” agreed Sebastian.

“Speaking of which, we'll have to come and see you some time,” proposed his mother, thinking she would like to finally see where her son was living these days.

“Mm, sure.”

Seb couldn't think when they'd fit that in, but in principle he supposed that would be fine.

  


“And you said you might be able to come visit here again right?” pushed Fabian.

“Maybe, we'll have to see.”

“Your brother and Mark are going to be very busy over the next few months,” reminded Norbert.

“We'll try,” offered Seb.

“You're coming for Christmas though. Mum, Mark's invited for Christmas again isn't he?” checked Fabian.

“Of course he is, you're very welcome Mark. I hope you'll be able to make it,” insisted Heike.

“Thank you, that's very kind,” agreed Mark.

Jan poured himself some more water and looked over.

“I take it you don't get back to Australia all that often?”

Mark gave a little shake of the head.

“friad not. Heck of a long way to go unfortunately.”

There was no chance Mark was likely to be heading in the opposite direction to Seb over Christmas even if it hadn't been so far to reach his own family. Mark pressed his leg into Sebastian's by his side and gave him a little smile thinking how glad they would be to reach the winter break.

  


  


  


 

Once lunch was finished, desert wolfed down by Fabian and politely refused by Seb and Mark thinking that whilst it looked delicious, there was no way they could excuse it on their diets with the races they had coming up, they made their way through to the lounge to sit around again. Seb was trying not to look too often at his watch to see if it was getting close to time to leave; another half hour at least.

Mark placed his hand over Seb's and gave it a little rub with his thumb.

“Okay?” he asked quietly.

“Mm, yeah think I might just get some water, I don't think any more of this coffee is a good idea,” admitted Seb.

“I can...”

  


Sebastian shook his head and got up before Mark could offer to do it for him. He left Mark on the sofa and nipped into the kitchen where his parents were busy sorting out the detritus from lunch. His mother turned to look who had walked in.

“Alright dear?”

“Yeah, just getting some water.”

“Okay, we'll just be a minute and then we'll be through.”

Sebastian got himself a glass and waited for his father to move away from the sink to allow him to use the tap. He was about to walk out when Seb saw the way his parents were looking at each other, his mother clearly prompting his father.

Norbert took a breath and examined Seb carefully, seeming to judge what he ought to say.

“Seb, just wait a moment.”

  


Sebastian paused crossing the kitchen, almost wishing he had allowed Mark to come fetch his drink for him instead.

“You know you can talk to us,” offered his father.

Seb sighed.

“I'm fine, I'm just tired.”

How many times had he said that today?

  


Norbert glanced over at his wife thinking there was no point pushing this when their son didn't want to talk about it. He didn't think any good came of pressing Seb when he got so distressed about things. Their eldest son was far more sensitive than the joking, confident person he presented to the world.

Heike frowned, seeing that her husband wasn't going to say what needed to be said.

“Seb you're not still upset are you? All those horrid rumours you said were being spread...”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It'll go away Mum, no one believes him now.”

Norbert pulled up at that.

“Him?”

 _Oh damn,_ thought Seb, remembering he hadn't gone into who they blamed for the slurs. When he had spoken to his family on Saturday night he had kept things vague, only wanting the conversation to be over as soon as possible.

  


Seb let out a sigh and rested against the edge of the kitchen table as he took a sip of water before looking at his parents.

“We think it was him.” Seb steeled himself to say the name. “Heikki. We're pretty sure he was spreading them to get at me.”

His parents looked appalled and came over to stand by him, his mother put a hand on his arm.

“Oh sweetheart.”

Norbert huffed.

“Seb this has to stop. He can't just go on doing things like this. Stalking you, going to the papers, saying terrible things. There are laws. This is libel, surely?”

“Dad I don't know for sure...”

“But you think it is him?”

Seb sighed again.

“Yes.”

“So you have to do something.”

“He can't go on tormenting you,” insisted his mother, sounding more upset than Seb did.

Sebastian looked more at his father.

“We are. The team lawyers are handling it, okay? He's not just getting away with it.”

“He should be in jail.”

“We don't want a fuss,” protested Sebastian.

“It's not _right_ ,” bemoaned his mother.

Seb let out a sigh.

“I just want it to go away, okay? I don't want a court case. Can you imagine what the papers would do with that? What we'd have to go through?”

Seb could hear himself getting more agitated and he forced himself to speak more calmly.

“He won't do anything more. He can't. He's tried everything and it hasn't worked. The lawyers are shutting him down and the team are making sure no one is going to believe anything he's said. It's going to be alright. It'll go away. I just want things to go back to normal now, okay? I don't want any fuss. Please?”

  


His parents could hear the discomfort in Seb's voice and Norbert caught his wife's eye to give a slight shake of the head telling her that this was precisely what they had been trying to avoid. Nothing good came of forcing their son to talk about things that he didn't want to discuss and upsetting him yet again.

“Okay,” agreed Norbert in a composed tone. “As long as it's dealt with, that's all that matters.”

“It is. It'll be okay now,” asserted Sebastian, reminding himself of that at the same time.

He knew it to be true, but the logic in his head took a while to filter through into acceptance in his subconscious. Once he had a few days to let that happen, Seb thought he would finally feel at peace and be able to move on with his life.

  


“Alright, if you say so sweetheart, as long as you're sure,” consented his mother.

“I am. Everything's going to be okay now,” repeated Sebastian.

His mother nodded and gave him a little hug, Seb trying to save his drink from being spilled before giving his father what he hoped was a reassuring nod and exiting the room.

  


  


Seb sat back down by Mark in the lounge and put his water on the coffee table. Mark turned his attention from the conversation and looked at Sebastian, sensing something, but Seb merely gave a fractional shake of his head indicating now wasn't the time. Instead Sebastian rested his head back down on Mark's shoulder and Mark put his arm around Seb to give him a squeeze.

Whatever it was they could talk about it later.

 

 

  


 

  


Heike and Norbert finally came back through to find seats in the lounge to join the rest of the family. They saw the way that their eldest son was wrapped up in Mark and Norbert thought it looked as though Seb could fall asleep where he sat. At least Mark was taking good care of him. Norbert had never imagined his son needing taking care of, but maybe that was old-fashioned thinking? Maybe he was imposing stereotypes when they didn't matter? Besides where would he be in life without Heike? His wife took care of him surely as much as he took care of her. What did it matter as long as Seb was happy?

  


Heike sat and looked around at her family and thought how much things were changing for them.

It might not be something she had ever pictured, but Seb seemed happily settled with his boyfriend. She cared less about the fact that his partner had turned out to be male than the way Seb looked content as they sat there, she saw the way they looked at one another and how Seb always appeared most at peace when Mark was holding onto him. Sebastian seemed to have such troubles in life, but at least he had Mark to support him through it. Heike hoped to goodness that Seb was correct when he insisted that things were going to blow over and calm down now. Everything poor Seb had been though, he deserved some rest and happiness at last.

Fabian too, he was growing up. He seemed to have coped very well on his trip and Seb and Mark had nothing but praise for him, so perhaps she ought to accept that her youngest wasn't going to be her little boy for very much longer either.

Melanie often still seemed to behave much as she always had, but even Mel seemed to be more sensible than she used to be. If only she could find a nice partner to settle down with like her brother and sister had, that would make Heike happy, but then you couldn't force these things; what would be would be.

And Stefanie and Jan seemed very happy of course, Heike only wished they lived a little closer to home, but at least they didn't live in another country like Seb and Mark did. Thankfully Jan seemed to have no inclination to move back to his home country, so that was something.

Their family was changing, but plenty of it was positive. Heike looked at the time and realised that Mark and Sebastian would have to be leaving soon, so she looked over to her eldest daughter and gave her a prompting nod.

  


Jan was busy asking Seb if he was all settled in now that they had moved in together.

“Oh well, to be honest it's not been all that much of a change has it?”

Seb glanced at Mark who smiled and shook his head.

“Just a formality really, though I guess we miss your pool a bit.”

“They're thinking of building one,” butted in Fabian.

“Are you?”

“You'll never be rid of Fabian if you do that,” laughed Norbert.

“Mm, we really will have to visit,” added Heike. “Stef dear you were trying to say something?”

  


Stefanie was looking at her partner trying to give him a hint.

“Oh umm, yes.”

She paused as the room went quiet and everyone looked at them, so Jan took up the mantle.

“So, umm, yes we have some news, that seeing as everybody's here we wanted to share.”

  


Sebastian sat forward a little and saw the way his mother was smiling encouragingly at the pair and that his other sister Mel was grinning. Whatever it was, Seb suspected they already knew.

  


“We're having a baby,” blurted Stefanie.

“Oh wow,” gasped Sebastian.

Beside him, Seb's little brother was staring at his eldest sister as though she had two heads.

Mark smiled, for a moment then he had thought they were about to say something else, but it was nice to know they weren't the only ones able to spring surprise announcements at family gatherings.

“Congratulations.”

Mark got up and went over to them and all of a sudden everyone was standing up and offering handshakes and hugs. Sebastian hugged his sister feeling his spirits lifted and as if he was awake for the first time all day.

  


“That's wonderful news, really. Wow, that's great Stef, I'm so happy for you, for you both.”

He gave Jan a hug as well.

“Why didn't you tell us earlier?” wondered Seb.

Stef shrugged.

“Oh we didn't want to steal your moment.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Honestly, you wouldn't have been. This is fantastic. Much more important than a silly race. This is great. Wow, I'm going to be an uncle!”

Mark smiled to see how lit up Seb was at the good news and was very glad that they had delayed leaving. He gave Seb a little half-hug.

“Best gig being an uncle; all the fun and none of the sleep deprivation,” Mark suggested.

Everyone laughed and he gave Jan another little pat on the back.

“I'd sleep while you can mate,” Mark grinned.

“You alright Fabe?” asked Sebastian, seeing his little brother still looked slightly shocked.

“Yeah, wow, I'm going to be an uncle as well. Aren't I too young to be an uncle?”

“You'll have to be the cool young uncle,” suggested Mark.

“Oh okay, yeah.”

  


People started sitting back down again as the initial excitement of the announcement passed.

“So, umm when is it due, do you know?” wondered Seb.

“March,” confirmed Stef.

“Oh gosh, so you've known a while.”

Stef shrugged.

“You don't say too soon, do you?” she reminded.

“Course, right yeah. You're alright though aren't you?” Seb checked.

“We're good, thanks. We just had the twelve week scan.”

“So early March then?” noted Mark, doing quick maths in his head and remembering what his sister had told him when she was pregnant.

“Yes. We've got pictures, do you want to see?”

  


Jan went off to retrieve the scan pictures from his bag in the hall and the next few minutes were spent staring at slightly blurry photos of a ultrasound scan of a baby who looked as though it was sucking its thumb. Seb thought he could stare and stare at the picture. He could hardly believe it. Early March, that was good, hopefully that would mean they'd have time to visit them and see the baby before they had to go out to Australia for the start of the season.

“Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?” enquired Seb.

“Not yet. We don't care either way do we?” replied Stef.

Jan shook his head and gave Stefanie a gentle squeeze.

“Just healthy, that's all we care about.”

“Of course.”

“You'll be fine,” assured Heike. “I had four didn't I? Nothing to worry about, they make our family sturdy.”

“Sturdy; what every girl longs to be,” noted Melanie sardonically.

Her mother shook her head, but the mood in the room was too good to spoil it by ticking Melanie off.

  


Mark looked at his watch and then at Seb who realised what that meant.

“Oh god, we have to go or we'll miss our flight. I'm sorry, I wish we could stay. I feel like we're running out in the middle of things now.”

“Nonsense,” dismissed his mother.

“Yeah it's fine. We'll need to be getting back soon too or we'll hit traffic,” mollified Stefanie.

“Okay, well then...”

  


  


They gathered their things ready to go, then stood in the hallway for more rounds of hugs and best wishes and promises to visit.

“Good luck this weekend,” offered Fabian to Mark.

More good lucks chimed and Mark gave general thanks. He gave Fabian another hug.

“Don't forget we're just a phone call away, alright kiddo?”

Fabian nodded and gave his brother and Mark a final hug before they dragged themselves away. Seb promised his mother he would at last be getting some rest.

  


“Well do take care of yourselves.” insisted Heike.

“We will. Anyway, you've got Stef to fuss over now, haven't you?” smiled Sebastian, giving his sister a last hug.

“Okay, we've really got to go now,” insisted Seb.

  


  


They climbed into the car and waved to their assembled family crowded on the doorstep.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah good. Daft isn't it? Now I almost wish we were staying longer,” admitted Seb.

“We could have?”

Seb gave a little shake of his head.

“I do want to be home as well though. I think I'd just rather be able to magically jump right there.”

“Oh well, short enough flight. Could be worse.”

“Could be worse.”

All the flights they took around the world, a hop across Europe was nothing really.

 

 

  


  


  


The light came on signalling permission for seatbelts to be undone and Seb released his and moved the little arm between their seats to sit closer to Mark who did likewise as he slipped his arm around Seb.

“Have a nap maybe?” suggested Mark.

“Mm, yeah. I feel so much better than I did before.”

“Good. Nice news about your sister.”

“Yeah. I feel... I don't know, is it strange to think it feels like a new start?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“A new life, a new start. That makes perfect sense.”

“Yeah but for us too. I feel like this weekend, I don't know, even with all the bad stuff and the craziness, it feels like we've crossed some kind of divide. Maybe it's selfish to mix that up with Stef and Jan's news. I'm not sure I'm explaining this very well...” Seb left off.

“No it's not selfish. It's just a reminder of what's important,” asserted Mark.

“Yeah, I think that's it. I think maybe we can really move on now, he's tried his worst and even though I was so scared...”

Mark gave him a squeeze.

“You don't need to be scared any more,” assured Mark softly.

  


Seb nodded. That was just starting to sink in; Heikki had tried everything and failed. Sebastian had faced his fears and survived. Not just survived, but triumphed. What was there to fear now?

Seb rested his head down against Mark and turned so he could look up at him, settling his hand comfortably on Mark's leg.

“Thank you Liebling, I think maybe I just needed a reminder of how much my family mean to me and you're part of that; What was most important this weekend was that you were there.”

Mark smiled and leant in to kiss Seb's forehead, then rest his cheek against the top of Sebastian's head.

“Where else would I be sweetheart?”

“Mein Fels,” sighed Sebastian.

“Always,” Mark promised.

  


Seb let out a long sigh. He settled in against Mark and breathed him in as Mark gave him another comforting little squeeze. Seb finally relaxed as he felt a stillness inside that he had been missing. He closed his eyes and drifted off to get some of that much needed sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 


	71. Plus Ça Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onto the next weekend...

 

* * *

 

 

 

Mark woke to see Sebastian propped up on one elbow smiling down at him.

“Happy birthday Liebling!”

Seb leant in and gave him a kiss.

Mark had to smile; Being another year older was fairly depressing, but waking up to see Seb's happy face greeting him as they lay in bed together really was an incredible birthday gift.

“Thank you darling.”

 

Mark turned on his side and pulled Sebastian up close as he lay himself back down on the pillow so they could face each other.

“Thirty-nine,” sighed Mark. “How did that happen? I swear only five minutes ago I was just turning _twenty_ -nine and that seemed old.”

Sebastian didn't mention that twenty-nine was what he would be turning next year and it felt pretty old to him. He didn't want Mark worrying about his age.

“You don't look thirty-nine,” tried Seb.

“No?”

“No. You look lovely.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Lovely?”

Not quite how he'd describe himself. Craggy, maybe.

 

Sebastian reached his hand up and stroked along the contours of Mark's face.

“Yes Liebling, _lovely_ , you always look lovely to me, you always will.”

“Always?”

“Always.”

“Even when I really am old?” tested Mark.

“Yes. Even when you are really old, like, _forty_ -nine,” teased Sebastian.

Mark rolled his eyes. In ten years time Seb would be just turned thirty-eight, the age he had been only yesterday. Seb would always be younger than him. It didn't normally bother him, but today he felt it.

“Will you still love me when I'm old?” checked Sebastian.

“Of course darling, of course I will,” assured Mark.

He stroked his hands along the soft skin of Seb's back, thinking it was hard to imagine Sebastian ever getting old.

“Even if I go bald and get fat?”

“Yes darling, but don't think you will somehow,” assured Mark.

 

Too many years of training for ultimate fitness, careful diets and good nutrition, that lingered in a body over a lifetime. They might soften when they retired, slow their training and relax their diets, but Mark couldn't see them ever running totally to seed. He stared into Sebastian's eyes and thought that no matter what, Seb would always have those beautiful blue eyes and he would always love them, no matter how many wrinkles surrounded them.

 

“I already have lines,” offered Sebastian, attempting to cheer Mark up.

Mark scoffed as he looked closer at Seb.

“Here.”

Sebastian pointed to his forehead and Mark pretended to examine them.

“Nope, sorry mate, you're going to have to try harder if you want to be as lined and wrinkly as this old goat.”

Seb pouted.

“You're not wrinkly,” he insisted.

Mark raised a dubious eyebrow.

“I think you need your eyesight checking mate.”

“Just a few tiny little crinkles here,” pointed out Seb.

He gently drew a finger over the corner of Mark's eye.

“Hmm.”

“They're smile lines, they make you _you_ , they make your smiles all warm and I love them, so don't hate them Liebling,” insisted Seb.

 

Mark smiled at that and caused the little crinkles by his eyes to do just what Seb said they did, so Sebastian lifted his head to give them a kiss on either side, Mark letting his eyes fall shut to allow Seb to do so, neither caring if it was silly or strange.

“Spose I can't then, can I?” relented Mark, reopening his eyes as Seb pulled back.

“No. It's not allowed.”

“Not allowed?” smiled Mark.

“No. And you're not allowed to feel old, because you're not.”

“Well that's me told.”

“Yes it is. You should be happy it's your birthday.”

“I am happy.”

“Yes?”

“Of course, because we're together. We weren't a year ago, so that's something to be happy about isn't it?”

“Exactly.”

 

Sebastian gave Mark a firm kiss on the lips as if closing the matter for discussion, then moved to peel the duvet back so he could kiss Mark's shoulder and down his arm, along Mark's strong bicep. Seb pulled up and grinned at him thinking it was ridiculous that Mark could consider himself old when he was this gorgeous.

“Definitely not old,” confirmed Sebastian, and Mark laughed back.

“Okay, you win.”

“Good.”

Mark lay back and let Sebastian carry on kissing his body, working his way across his chest.

“Mmm, this _is_ a nice birthday present,” grinned Mark.

Seb lifted up to looked at him and tweaked an eyebrow.

“I can think of more,” he offered.

“So can I,” laughed Mark.

 

Right on cue his phone blared out its alarm. Mark groaned and reached over to switch it off.

Seb was sat up by him, pouting. Mark attempted a matching pout back and shrugged.

“We'll have to hold that thought.”

“Really?” sighed Sebastian.

“Yeah I left the alarm as late as possible, sorry. I'll be late.”

“Can't you be late on your birthday?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark was certain Seb would make it worth his while if he did, but they really couldn't do that.

“Packed day today, sorry darling. Don't think I wouldn't rather. Let's just hold on till tonight, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian. “Oh hang on, your card. I have to give you your card at least.”

 

Seb jumped out the bed and was back kneeling next to Mark looking pleased with himself. Mark had already forgotten all thoughts of feeling old at seeing how keen Seb was.

“Happy birthday,” greeted Sebastian once again.

Mark sat up properly back on the pillows and took the envelope.

“Thank you.”

He sat forwards and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek before ripping open the envelope. Mark pulled the card and stared at the picture; a little watercolour illustration.

Seb saw Mark wondering at the picture so he explained.

“It's from a book, a children's book. Fabian had it when he was little and I used to read it to him. It's about a boy and a penguin.”

“Of course it is,” dead-panned Mark.

“I saw this card and I thought, well I just thought it was nice,” admitted Seb.

“It is nice. It's lovely. Thank you sweetheart.”

 

Mark looked at the picture more closely; The penguin was hugging the boy and the boy hugging back. There was something oddly touching about the little scene. He gave Seb a soft smile.

“I take it you're the penguin?”

Seb gave a little half-shrug and Mark ran a finger down his nose thinking Sebastian had to stop being so damn adorable. He opened the card and read the message, his face going tight as he read it.

“Come here.”

Mark put the card down and pulled Seb into his arms. He hardly knew what to say.

“Thank you.”

“I mean it,” whispered Sebastian.

Mark nodded against him.

“I know. Me too, me too darling, you're my world.”

His voice caught and Mark distracted himself by squeezing Seb tighter, kissing him before they pulled apart.

“Ach, look what you do to me.” Mark let out a long sigh. “Okay, we'd better jump in the shower or really will be late.”

“Okay.”

 

Seb got up and climbed off the bed. As they crossed the room he reminded Mark.

“You know your present's at home, right?”

“Zimmer-frame too bulky to pack?”

Sebastian could have argued about the age thing being brought up again, but he chose not to, instead just pushing up to kiss Mark on the cheek.

“That's right Liebling.”

Mark grinned back.

“You're the only present I need.”

He shook his head a little at how true that was and how it was made particularly impossible to ignore when Seb was beaming up at him, stood stark naked in the bathroom ready to step into the shower with him. Maybe a few minutes late wouldn't be so very terrible? Perhaps they could rush breakfast? It would definitely be worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark and Sebastian walked into Porsche hospitality to find Jess and Jenson sat having a coffee. They went over to exchange hugs and greetings.

“When did you get here?” asked Sebastian.

“Late last night.”

“Very late,” chimed Jenson. “I thought we were going to have to come direct to the track from the airport.”

“But it's only a short flight?” frowned Sebastian, thinking it couldn't take more than two hours from Monaco to get to Germany.

“It is once it takes off. They cancelled the one we were meant to be on. Honestly, I think it might have been quicker to drive,” complained Jenson.

Jessica placed a calming hand on Jenson's arm and Seb had a little flashback to their own disrupted journey back from their holiday. Airports were not fun places for them when they had to travel so much.

 

“We got here in the end. It doesn't matter now.”

She turned her attention to the other couple.

“Anyway, when did you get here? We thought we'd see you at breakfast in the hotel.”

Mark tried not to smile at Seb or he thought he might laugh inappropriately.

“Oh umm, we were running late so we had to skip breakfast,” he explained.

“It's Mark's birthday,” added Seb happily.

“Oh of course. Happy birthday mate,” offered Jenson, giving Mark a clap on the back.

“Yes happy birthday.” Jess gave him another hug. “You deserved a little lie-in then.”

“Mm,” smiled Mark.

“Cos you're so old,” joked Jenson.

“He's _not_ old,” protested Seb, taking a hold of Mark's upper arm by his side.

 

Jenson laughed and shook his head at how defensive Sebastian was of Mark.

“You can talk, you're nearly as old,” noted Jessica.

“Yes, well, anyway. You're still joining us for dinner aren't you?” distracted Mark.

“Absolutely, assuming you want us there?”

“Course we do.”

“We're not butting in on your romantic evening?” teased Jenson.

“We have plenty of dinners alone, it'll be nice to have one with friends,” confirmed Mark.

Jenson nodded agreement.

“Right, well that's settled then. We'd better get on mate.”

“Yep, just gonna grab something to keep me going.”

 

Mark was about to head to the bar to ask for a roll or powerbar to eat en route to their meeting and get a bottle of water to take with him when he turned back to Seb.

“Not sure when we'll be free for lunch or anything, so don't wait on us.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'll get some breakfast now and we'll see you whenever.”

“You'll be alright here?”

“Course.”

“We've got plenty of catching up to do,” agreed Jessica.

 

Jenson nearly smacked himself on the head.

“Oh I didn't say. _Mate_. That win. Bloody hell, Seb, that was amazing!”

Jenson stepped into Sebastian and gave him such a hug that he practically picked Seb off the ground. Mark chuckled at Seb's surprised expression. As Jenson let Seb go, Mark bobbed over and grabbed his supplies then came back over to the group.

“Let's get going then. See you later.”

Mark gave Sebastian a parting kiss on the cheek and ignored Jenson's grin as they walked away to the first of their team meetings.

Jenson raised an eyebrow at Mark.

“Nice lie-in?”

“Wouldn't you like to know?” deflected Mark.

He looked back as they exited and returned Seb's little wave goodbye. Jess waved too and Jenson ended up giving a wave just the same. Mark shook his head; Jenson was no different with Jess then he was with Seb, why should they be?

 

 

 

 

Sebastian settled down with some food and a coffee at the table with Jessica. He ate for a while as Jess filled them in on their troubled journey. Seb then took a sip of his drink and looked over at Jess.

“Jessy, could you do me a favour?”

“Hm?”

“Stop Jense winding Mark up about his age will you?” appealed Sebastian. “He just, I don't know, I don't want him to feel bad about it.”

Jessica put her bottle of water down.

“Is he sensitive about it?”

Seb shrugged.

“We joke about it, but I think so, a bit anyway. Mark's quite a bit older than me and I don't want him to worry about it, or let it come between us.”

Jessica gave him a little pat on the arm.

“I don't think anything could do that, but I'll have a word. You know Jense just likes winding people up.”

“Yeah, I know. I don't want to make a big thing of it, I just...”

Seb shrugged again and Jessica nodded.

“It's fine sweetie, don't worry.”

“Thank you.”

 

“No problem. How are you anyway?”

“I'm fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I could've used a few more days at home to be sure,” Seb admitted.

“You went back to England then?”

“Yeah I was in Milton Keynes on Tuesday so we had to go back. It's been a bit mad really; We had to take my brother over to my parents, then home for work and then back here again. I don't know if I'm coming or going to be honest.”

Jess shook her head.

“Goodness, no wonder you needed a lie-in,” she sympathised.

A tiny smile crept onto Sebastian's face as he thought that they had managed a few decent 'lie-in's of various descriptions in the past few days and they definitely had needed them.

 

“After that race as well. My word, that really was amazing. You did so well Seb,” Jess praised.

“Thank you and for your texts, that was very kind. I really did appreciate it, even if it took me till the next day to reply.”

“Of course. We know how busy you'll have been. It was an incredible race. You should have seen Jenson; sat bouncing up and down on the sofa like a small boy.”

Sebastian laughed at the image.

“Really?”

“Oh yes. It was very exciting to watch,” recalled Jess.

“Well it's nice to know you were supporting me.”

“Of course, Jenson likes to see how you're all getting on without him, so if we're home we always watch, although I have to be honest, I do skip the ones in the middle of the night.”

“Fair enough.”

“A girl's gotta get her beauty sleep.”

“I could use a little more of that myself,” confessed Sebastian.

“Mm, I'm sure.”

 

Jess took a moment to drink some water as she looked at Seb thinking about everything that he had been though in the past few months.

“You're really alright aren't you?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, I'm okay. I realise I got a bit, you know... on the podium...”

He squished his face awkwardly and shrugged again. Jessy reached over and gave his hand a squeeze.

“Well of course you did, that's only natural; Crazy race, crazy weekend, all that stuff...”

Sebastian looked down and Jess felt bad for mentioning it.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.”

Seb looked up and squeezed her hand back.

“It's okay, and the messages you and Jense sent, we really did appreciate them.”

“No one believed that rubbish Seb. That horrible, horrible, man.”

Sebastian nodded tightly.

“Oh sweetheart, what a time you've had. You poor thing. I can't believe I've not seen you in all this time.”

 

Seb swallowed. He thought of all the considerate texts and calls they had received from their friends this year.

“It's okay, you've been very kind, a good friend. Jenson too. It means a lot you know? I hope you know that, even if I've not always got back to you.”

Jessica shook her head.

“We understand. It's fine.”

Sebastian nodded thanks, remembering how many times a little text from one of his friends asking if he was okay, or telling him to hang in there, had made all the difference.

Jess sighed.

“No wonder you got a little emotional on Sunday,” empathised Jessica.

“Was it really obvious?”

Jess gave a little tip of her head to the side, not really wanting to tell Seb that yes, it had been obvious how emotions had been running high for him on the podium.

 

Seb puffed out a breath.

“I hate that I get emotional about stuff.”

He stole a look at Jessy, thinking that was a fairly big confession.

Jess looked uncomprehending.

“Why?”

“I don't like people seeing...”

Seb shrugged unhappily and Jess could see how uncomfortable he was.

“Why don't we go for a little walk?” she suggested.

“'kay.”

 

 

 

They headed outside and Jessica took his arm as they headed along the paddock that was fairly empty on a Thursday before the public arrived for the race weekend. Seb was quiet and Jess thought he might need a little push to encourage him.

“Why shouldn't you get emotional? That was a big win and you've had such a tough year Seb. It's normal.”

Sebastian still wasn't answering and Jess was reminded how Seb had ended up in floods of tears after Mark won the race at Le Mans. Racing was stressful enough, but everything Seb had to cope with on top of that must be a terrible strain on him.

“Let's go a little further on, shall we?” Jessica proposed.

Seb looked at her shoes and she gave him a smile.

“Very sensible flats today, I'll be fine.”

 

 

Beyond the paddock they were the only people around. The weather wasn't hot for the end of August, but it was at least dry. Further out Seb could see the woods at the edge of the track and was reminded that there was a world beyond.

“I just can't helping what people are thinking of me, that's all,” confessed Sebastian.

“If you get emotional?” queried Jess.

“Yeah.”

“But why shouldn't you? There's nothing wrong with that.”

“I just...” Seb gave Jess a sideways glance. “I don't want to be a stereotype.”

Jessica frowned.

“What do you mean? Because you're gay?”

“I guess. And all the other stuff. I don't want people thinking I'm messed-up and...”

He let out a long sigh.

“Oh Seb, that's awful. You shouldn't have to feel like that. Nobody thinks you're messed-up or it's because you're gay or anything stupid like that.”

“Yeah but the papers...”

“The papers are full of rubbish. Anyone with any sense knows that,” insisted Jessica.

“Yeah but the stuff about me being in therapy. That's true,” admitted Seb.

“So what? Plenty of people see therapists, there's nothing wrong with that, and everything you've been through, all the pressure you're under, it's no wonder. Nobody thinks the less of you for it.”

“You really think so?”

“Absolutely. I certainly don't.”

Sebastian gave her a little smile.

“Well thank you. I just... I don't want people to see me as weak.”

 

Jess stopped and turned to look at Seb.

“Weak? How could anyone think that?”

Seb shrugged and Jessica shook her head.

“Nobody thinks that Seb. I think you're pretty incredible actually. Going through all this crap and still racing, dealing with all the media. I think just carrying on is pretty incredible, but you went and won that race at Spa, like, well...”

Seb furrowed his brow.

“Like what?”

“Like a hero.”

 

Seb rolled his eyes, but Jess looked at him firmly.

“I mean it. I don't know how you held it together on that podium sweetie, because I wept buckets,” admitted Jess.

Seb looked at her as if disbelieving.

“I did. And even Jense had 'something in his eye' at that point.”

“He did not.”

“He did. It was a very moving moment and we were extremely proud of you,” insisted Jessica.

Seb gave a little pout, very touched to hear his friends' support.

“Well thank you.”

“Of course, you didn't hear that about Jenson from me.”

“Course not.”

Jessica took his arm again and they turned around to start walking back.

“And if I'm honest some adverts can make me cry, so maybe I'm just sentimental or hormonal or something,” admitted Jess.

 

Seb looked and saw a teasing smile on her face, but then she was more serious.

“It's not a crime to show emotions you know?”

Sebastian nodded.

“I guess. It's just I spend most of my life putting on a good front for the media. You have to,” he explained.

“Well I know you have to for the team and that sometimes, but not all the time surely?”

“Feels like most of the time lately,” confessed Seb.

“Yeah.”

“You're a model. You must have to smile when you don't feel like it?”

“I don't usually have to talk as well though, and all the live interviews and everything else you do. Anyway I don't have anything like the things you've had to put up with,” Jess countered.

“Spose.”

“ _Spose?”_

“Okay yes. It's been pretty shitty.”

Sebastian looked at his friend and couldn't hide in that moment how he felt. Jess still had no idea just how bad things had been, but she knew enough.

 

“Course it has. Ah Seb. No one could think you weak. I think you're amazing.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I think you've had to be very strong sweetheart.”

She gave Seb's arm she was holding a rub.

“Mark says that,” allowed Sebastian quietly.

“Of course he does. Mark's not stupid is he? He knows what he's got is pretty special,” asserted Jessica.

Sebastian smiled.

“Thank you. I think you're pretty special too.”

Jess gave a little laugh.

“Well not all models are complete airheads you know.”

“Course not.”

“Stereotypes.” Jess shrugged. “Meh, such bullshit.”

 

She gave him a wink and Seb spontaneously kissed Jessica on the cheek.

“You are a good friend.”

“Ah well, where would we be without friends, eh?”

“Even if we don't see each other all that often.”

“Exactly.”

Sebastian nodded and sighed out a long breath.

“You're not still worried about that awful guy are you?” checked Jess.

“No not really. I think he's done his worst now,” Seb insisted.

“Pathetic. As if anyone would believe such things? Forget it Seb. Really. No one was going to fall for such transparent rubbish. It just made him look desperate,” declared Jess.

 

Jenson had first seen a few strange things going around on Twitter before Mark had texted him about it, but neither Jenson nor Jess had needed Mark to tell them the rumours were malicious. Five minutes with Seb and Mark together and you could see the tenderness between them. Any suggestion that Seb might be into the kind of perversions the gossip intimated was plainly illogical.

As Jenson noted; Sebastian still went slightly pink when you teased him about how much Mark stared at him. That hardly fitted with the idea that Seb was secretly a wild S&M fetishist. Jenson also liked to joke what a softie Mark was for all his gruff exterior and how he never wanted to stay out late when they were away because he had to get back to call Seb 'Just to make sure he's okay'. None of that tallied with any of the bizarre rumours that erupted the previous Saturday.

 

Clearly they weren't the only ones to think so, as not only had Jenson received a couple of texts from Lewis on the matter, but also from half his cycling gang. By Sunday the gossip had fizzled out again online, like a comet in the night sky that had caught the eye and then rapidly disappeared from view, the tail-end only being discussions about the gullibility of people accepting and spreading such absurdly far-fetched ideas and the backlash of rumours about the mental state of the person said to be the originator of them.

 

 

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Nothing more to worry about then,” reassured Jessica.

“Yeah. It's just taking a while to sink in, you know? I've been worrying about things for so long I'm actually having to remind myself _not_ to worry. Like I'm allowing myself to be free at last,” Seb confessed.

 

Jess tried not to stare at Seb when she heard that. They were friends and they talked, but she could tell there was a whole lot she didn't know. _Allowing himself to be free?_ What a thing to say. It spoke to a darkness that Jessica couldn't fathom.

She squeezed his arm and gave Seb an encouraging smile, thinking they would probably never know what had really happened, but Jess was certain that Seb's troubles stemmed from the same person who spread those vicious rumours, who stalked Seb and tried to make his life a misery. Heikki. She knew his name, must have passed him in the paddock back in the day. Maybe she'd even said hi to him, she didn't remember. He'd passed insignificant in her life, like a shadow.

 

“Good. You shouldn't have to worry. Not about him, and not about what anyone thinks, not about showing how you're feeling. Just be yourself Seb, cos I think you're pretty incredible.”

Sebastian smiled at her, feeling buoyed by her words.

“Thanks. I think you're not bad yourself.”

“Our boys will be getting jealous,” teased Jess. “Shall we get back and see if there's any chance they might be given early parole for lunch?”

Sebastian consulted at his watch. He suspected lunch was a good way off on the horizon, but that was okay, they could settle in and get another drink. If he was going to kill time with someone, Jess was a pretty good pick.

 

 

 

They sat back down at a table and got fresh drinks, filling the time with harmless chat about their holidays as Jessica told him about how she and Jenson had been in Hawaii and Seb recounted a little of his holiday with Mark.

 

“Mark taught me to surf.”

“Did he?” smiled Jess.

“Yeah, I'm not great, but it was fun. Knackering though,” admitted Sebastian.

“Ha, yeah.”

“Do you surf? Hawaii's the place for it isn't it?”

“Certainly is, yeah. I've tried, not all that good though. You can go down with a real smack on the water when you come off,” recalled Jessica.

“Mm, I fell off most of the day, poor Mark had to keep catching me.”

Jess looked at him.

“He _caught_ you?”

Jessica smiled, thinking that the pair of them really were too cute for words.

“Um, yeah.”

Sebastian wondered if Jess thought that was stupid.

“Jenson never caught me. He just laughed,” grumbled Jess. “Swap you?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

 

“Anyway, we had a lovely time.”

“Mm, looked like it,” noted Jessica.

Seb nodded slowly. It seemed as though the entire world had seen those photos. Jessica saw he didn't look too happy.

“Sorry. I shouldn't joke. It's not nice when they take pictures of you like that is it? Happened to us quite a few times now,” Jessica informed him.

“Has it?”

“Mm. I know people think you shouldn't be bothered when you have your picture taken for a living, but it's not the same.”

“It's not. People are spying on you and I don't know how anyone can think that's okay,” agreed Seb.

“Well, never mind. Can't let it get to you.”

“No.”

Sebastian went quiet for a moment as he thought about all the things he constantly had to work on not letting get to him.

 

Jess left it a moment as she sipped her drink, then decided to say something.

“Seb do you mind if I ask you something? If you don't want to answer, don't.”

Seb furrowed his brow, wondering what she was about to ask.

“Um, okay.”

“Are you still seeing a therapist?” Jessica enquired in a low voice so no one around could overhear.

Sebastian stared down at his coffee, suddenly feeling uncomfortable, even with Jess.

“I'm sorry. It's really none of my business,” excused Jess guiltily.

Sebastian puffed a breath out and looked up at her.

“No it's okay.”

He knew she was only asking from concern, not the spurious inquiries of the media that had scrutinized that matter too often.

“Sorry Jessy.”

“I didn't mean to pry, I just... You're under a lot of stress and I just wondered if it helped, if you still went?”

 

Seb hadn't thought about his therapist in a long while as it was now associated with all the trauma of the press revelations that had made his time before the summer break such a nightmare. He knew Jess genuinely meant well and decided to answer.

“I've not been for a while,” Seb admitted.

Jess nodded and tentatively enquired.

“Because you've not wanted to, or...?

“I haven't been since it came out.”

“That's a shame. Might it not help?” suggested Jess.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Everyone was so judgemental about it. I got asked so many questions and... people said things...”

Jess heard the hurt in Seb's voice and reached over to give his hand a rub.

“Like what?”

“That I'm unstable, questioning whether I was fit to race.”

Jessica looked horrified.

“You're kidding?”

“No.”

“That's disgraceful. Who? The media?”

“Yeah, them, some drivers...”

“ _What?”_

Jessica glared at no one in particular.

“Just for talking to someone. Good grief. Why shouldn't you talk to someone about things?” She huffed angrily. “What's wrong with people?”

 

Jess looked at him very firmly.

“Seb there is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. If you broke your arm you'd see a doctor.”

“And if my head is broken I see a therapist,” half-joked Seb.

“Not broken, just... You've been under a lot of stress and you've had a hard time. If you need help to deal with that then you see someone who can help. Urgh. It makes me angry that people are so negative when they don't know what they are talking about.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and puffed it out. Jess did make a lot of sense.

“Thanks. Yeah I don't know, I suppose seeing as the press have had their fun and everyone knows now, it might not make any difference if I went back. Assuming he'd have me of course,” mulled Seb.

“Your therapist?”

“Yeah. I'm not sure whether he got hassled over it too. Probably, knowing the media. I know he'd never have said anything about me to them, but he might not want the trouble.”

“Of having you back again?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sure he would. Isn't that his job?” insisted Jess.

Seb shrugged.

“Maybe. I don't know. I might have a think about it.”

Jess nodded.

“I'm not suggesting you should. It's not my place, but I just think it would be a shame to miss out if it might help, that's all.”

“Mm.”

“Feel free to ignore me sticking my nose in. What do I know?”

Seb gave her a smile.

“More than most people.”

 

Jess smiled warmly back, thinking it sounded as though Sebastian could definitely use the help; All that terrible stuff he'd been through and all those worries bubbling away under the surface that Seb seemed so determined to hide away from the world. No wonder Mark seemed so protective of him. How terrible it was that poor Seb should be bullied out of getting help at the very point he needed it most.

 

“Well anyway, you know you can always talk to me if you want to,” reminded Jessica.

“Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it. You're a good listener.”

Jess gave a little laugh.

“Ah well, I seem to do a lot of that. My job involves a lot of waiting around and people do like to talk.” She shrugged. “I usually end up being the one listening to everyone's problems.”

“Maybe you should start charging,” joked Seb.

“Maybe I should. Not you though. At least you're not like the rest of them, all moaning about boyfriend troubles.”

“No problems there,” smiled Sebastian.

“Glad to hear it.”

“Mark's perfect,” Seb asserted.

Jess looked at him.

“Perfect?”

“Yes,” confirmed Sebastian steadfastly.

“Well,” grinned Jessica. “Aren't you a lucky boy?”

“Very.”

Jess raised an eyebrow and then laughed.

“Yeah Jenson's not too bad either. I think we did alright for ourselves.”

 

She looked over towards the door.

Seb turned and saw Mark and Jenson were walking in their direction.

“And speak of the devil.”

“Who's the devil?” wondered Jenson.

“You are,” teased Jess.

“So true,” Jenson grinned.

 

Mark took a chair by Seb.

“We've not got long. Early lunch, then back to it I'm afraid.”

“It's fine, we've been having a nice chat,” replied Sebastian.

He wanted to see if they could have a moment alone, but Mark was clearly in a rush, so they got a quick lunch and made the most of the time they had, not talking about anything important. Then Mark and Jenson were off again and Sebastian and Jess were left to amuse themselves alone again, knowing this was their allotted role for the weekend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a long day of team meetings, engineering run-throughs, a couple of interviews, scrutineering and preparations for running in free practice tomorrow, Mark was looking forward to getting back to Seb and hopefully taking a few minutes to crash out in their hotel room before they had to sort themselves out ready for their meal. They were only going to be eating at the hotel restaurant, purely to keep things simple as Mark was heartily sick of travelling after the past couple of weeks. Getting the lift downstairs was about the maximum he wanted to have to do this evening.

 

Mark was just thinking that would mean that he and Sebastian could get a nice early night and some time by themselves and that hopefully their companions wouldn't think them rude for it, when he spoke to Jenson as activity in the garage started to peter out for the day.

“Walk back?” suggested Mark.

“Ah, no I've got an interview lined up now I'm afraid. No rest for the wicked.”

With that Jenson was gone and Mark spent a few minutes chatting with his team-mates until his boss came over.

“Mark, are you heading over to the base?” enquired Andreas.

“Um, yes, sure.”

“Good,” nodded Andreas.

 

They headed out, Andreas leaving Timo and Brendan with no encouragement to accompany them. Mark didn't say anything until they were out in the paddock, but he had a sinking feeling whenever his boss singled him out these days.

“Everything alright?” checked Mark.

“Mm,” agreed Andreas vaguely.

Mark looked at him.

“Everything’s fine. I just wanted a word. I don't want you worrying about this.”

Mark had to stop himself from snorting that by saying that Andreas had effectively ensured that was precisely what he did.

“What is it?”

“I just thought it was worth saying that as this is effectively Porsche's home race there will be some members of the board around this weekend. Most likely on Sunday for the race, and there's a pretty good chance they'll want to be in the garage.”

 

They hadn't actually specified any requests to Andreas, but it was a fair assumption they would want to show their faces, even if they were unlikely to have the stamina to remain there for the full six hours. As members of the board he would of course be expected to afford them every courtesy, although Andreas hoped that wouldn't extend to distracting him during the race too much when he was meant to be concentrating on his actual job.

Mark nodded slowly.

“Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” asked Mark.

Andreas sighed.

“I just wanted you to be aware, that's all.”

 

Mark could feel his ire rising. He knew his boss was warning him that some of these board members must be the ones who had a problem with his relationship with Seb. He tried to maintain a steady temper as he looked at him.

“Please say you're not telling me Seb shouldn't be there?”

Andreas stopped and turned to Mark.

“No. That is absolutely _not_ what I am saying,” he insisted.

“So what _are_ you saying?”

“I don't know Mark, please don't take this the wrong way. You know I have no problem with you or Seb, no one here does.”

“But those coming might?” challenged Mark.

Andreas sighed.

“They don't say as much, certainly since your success at Le Mans did a lot to quell their concerns, but...”

“But?”

“I'm not sure they were too thrilled with how much you, and well Seb really, are in the papers.”

 

Mark huffed and although he knew it wasn't Andreas' fault, he glared at him.

“They think we _want_ that? Christ. It's the last thing we want.”

“I know,” assuaged Andreas.

Mark sighed an attempt at a calming breath and shook his head.

“They've no idea how hard we've worked to _keep_ stuff out of the press.”

“I'm sure. I'm sorry Mark, like I say I don't want to worry you, it's nothing specific. Nothing has been said. I just wanted to give you a heads up.”

“So what? So we behave ourselves?”

“No Mark.”

“What then?”

“I just didn't want it to catch you off-guard, that's all. Fore-warned is fore-armed and all that.”

“Right.”

“Things have improved since Le Mans as I say,” asserted Andreas.

“Oh so they're alright with me having a boyfriend as long as I win?”

“ _Mark.”_

Mark took a deep breath, reminding himself that his boss had in fact only ever tried to help his cause and getting angry with him was as unhelpful as it was unfair.

“Okay, sorry. Yes. Thank you for letting me know.”

 

Andreas nodded and they continued walking along.

“I'm sorry Mark. I know it's not fair that you have to think about these things. I just feel I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't mention it. I am actually on your side.”

“I know you are mate.” Mark hid a sigh. “So, did you have any specific requests or suggestions?”

Andreas shook his head.

“If I think of anything helpful, you won't take it the wrong way if I mention it?” he checked.

Mark shook his head.

They walked on, Mark trying not to consider what helpful things his boss might come up with for him to say to mollify the bigots in suits who deigned to visit the garage once a year.

 

Andreas wondered if it would be offensive to tell Mark that he knew that they would behave professionally and that ought to be enough. Probably. If he was Mark he'd be offended. Actually he would probably be fuming at the inference he needed reminding. Perhaps he should just have kept his mouth shut? Then again if one of the top brass walked in and Mark didn't realise who they were, it was just possible that an unguarded remark might get him in trouble he could ill-afford. It wasn't fair, but it was true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark and Seb were changing ready to go out. Sebastian couldn't help but think that Mark seemed withdrawn. He hoped Mark wasn't still thinking that his birthday was an unwelcome reminder that he was getting older. Seb finished buttoning up his shirt and looked over to Mark.

“Long day?”

Mark shrugged and Seb wondered what to say. He didn't want to bring up any subjects that would bother Mark.

 

Mark glanced in the mirror and rubbed his jaw, thinking he'd do. His eye caught Sebastian's preoccupied expression in the reflection. Mark frowned a little and turned to look at him as Seb sat on the edge of the bed.

“You alright?”

“Mm, yeah.”

“I know it must be pretty dull sitting around all day waiting on us.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You do the same for me. It's fine. I had a good talk with Jessy.”

Mark nodded.

“She's nice.”

“Yeah. She's pretty easy to talk to. I like Jess, she's very kind.”

Seb paused.

“She mentioned something, and I've been thinking...”

Mark tipped his head and looked at Sebastian.

“Yeah?” Mark encouraged.

Sebastian hesitated.

“I've not been to see Henry since it all came out in the papers,” he explained.

“Oh.”

 

Mark was a little surprised to hear Sebastian mention him seeing as he hadn't spoken of Dr. Menton since the papers had uncovered the fact he was seeing a therapist back in July. Seb had been so upset by it all Mark never brought it up other than in terms of how Seb handled the media pressing him over it.

“I was wondering whether I might go back to see him. Do you think that would be a good idea?”

 

Mark went over and sat by Sebastian at the end of the bed. He took Seb's hand in his.

“If you think it is, then sure,” he concurred.

Sebastian nodded.

“I mean, the press have said all they're going to on that don't you think? Everyone already knows, so I don't suppose it makes any difference if it's in the past or if I'm still going?”

“Forget the press. If you think it would be a help, then call him,” asserted Mark.

“Okay. Yeah, I think maybe. Couldn't hurt, right?”

“Sure.”

“You think he'd take me back?”

Mark pulled a face.

“Course he would.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah course.”

“Mm, okay. I'm just having a think. Maybe I'll just call him and see. Assuming he'll take my call.”

“Of course he'll take your call Seb. I'm sure he'd be glad to hear from you,” insisted Mark.

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian. “I mean I am feeling better, but it might be good to talk stuff through. I know I talk to you, but...”

“It's fine Seb. I think it's a good idea, after everything that's happened. It might help to get a little perspective on things.”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks Liebling.”

 

Seb leaned over and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek. Mark leant his head down against Seb's as they sat there.

 

“You're alright aren't you?” checked Sebastian.

“Hmm?”

Seb moved his head and looked at Mark. He could tell that something was off and if they didn't talk about it things would only fester. Surely he could find a way to make Mark feel better?

Mark sighed. He had been avoiding telling Sebastian about his conversation with Andreas, knowing it could only upset Seb to hear that yet again they had things to worry about. Now Seb had asked him a direct question he had to answer. If he didn't answer or fobbed Seb off it would be as good as lying to him.

“Andreas said something before,” Mark confessed.

“What? Is there a problem?”

“Um, no... Not exactly.”

“Mark?”

Mark huffed, struggling to find a way to tell Seb without upsetting him.

“Not a problem exactly, just there's going to be some members at the board here for the race,” explained Mark.

  
Seb frowned, knowing from the way Mark was speaking that he was uncomfortable and that could only mean trouble.

“They don't want me here?” worried Sebastian.

“No. No sweetheart. That's not it. Andreas said that's definitely not the case.”

Mark put his arm around Seb feeling angry once more that they were being made to feel this way for the mere audacity of wanting to be together and support one another. He gave Sebastian a squeeze.

“He was just letting us know, that's all.”

“Warning us?”

Mark sighed.

“A bit I suppose. It's not Andreas' fault, but yeah.”

 

Sebastian looked down unhappily.

“I thought things were better since you won?”

“They are I think, but still...” Mark gave a little shrug. “He won't say specifically, but I suppose some of them have short memories.”

“They didn't like the photos of me kissing you,” suggested Sebastian anxiously.

“He didn't say anything about that.”

Seb nodded, his head still downcast. Mark pulled him closer and kissed Seb's temple.

“Don't feel bad about that sweetheart. It was a happy moment. You won, you deserved a kiss for godsake. I'm not having anyone make you feel bad about that.”

 

Sebastian turned his head to look at Mark.

“Would it be better for you if I'm not there? Will they be in the garage?”

“You are going to be in the garage,” stated Mark firmly. “I'm not having them tell us what we can and can't do.”

“I'll do whatever helps you,” Seb volunteered.

Seb was looking at him with those big blue eyes, offering anything to help, despite the fact that Mark knew it hurt him. He could see it those eyes, hear the fretfulness in Seb's voice and Mark couldn't stand it.

“You being there helps me darling. You know that.”

Mark rested his head down into Sebastian's and took a moment to compose himself.

 

“I'm sorry. I hate making you worry about things,” consoled Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's not your fault.”

“No, well...”

Mark huffed a dry laugh as he sat up.

“Remind me to be nice to Christian next weekend. I'm not sure he realises how well RedBull have treated us through all this.”

“Yeah, true. Although the guys here are perfectly nice to me.”

“I know, I know, and it's not Andreas' fault either. I don't know, maybe there's nothing to worry about?”

Seb reached up and rested his hand on Mark's cheek.

“We won't give them anything to worry about, I'll just keep out of the way and you'll get a great result and then it'll all be okay Liebling,” reassured Sebastian.

“You're not staying out of the way,” protested Mark.

He wasn't have Seb hide himself in a corner as if he was something to be ashamed of. No way.

 

“Okay, well... whatever you want.”

“I want you with me, supporting me. It's what I always want.”

“Then that's what I'll do,” confirmed Seb.

“I know you will darling.”

Mark placed his hand on Seb's cheek, mirroring him. Mark looked into his eyes and thought about all the times he had longed for Sebastian to be waiting for him in the garage and how remote that dream had once been. No one was going to take this away from him now Mark had what he had wanted for so long.

He leant in and kissed Seb, sliding his hand from Seb's cheek to rest gently at the back of his head, holding him in place while they lost themselves in the moment.

 

Pulling away Sebastian gave Mark a smile.

“It'll all be okay Liebling. Don't worry about it.”

He stroked Mark's arm.

“It's your birthday. You can't be worrying about things on your birthday.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“This another of your rules?”

“Yes.”

Mark smiled, feeling improved by Seb's support.

“Okay then. Shall we go down? Jess and Jenson will be thinking we've stood them up again.”

Seb nodded, then pushed up a little to give Mark another, slower kiss.

Mark sighed and shook his head at Sebastian.

“No wonder we keep being late. You're very distracting.”

Sebastian grinned, pleased that he had cheered Mark up a bit.

“Come on then, we'd better go.”

 

 

They made their way to the lift. Mark slipped his hand into Sebastian's as they stood and waited for it. He leaned in and spoke into Sebastian's ear.

“You know what I think it is? I think they're jealous.”

“Jealous?”

“Yeah. Bunch of dried up bureacrats, bet they've not had a decent kiss in fifty years, never mind ones that are worthy of the front page.”

The lift pinged open and Sebastian thought the occupants facing them must be wondering why they were smiling so much at one another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They sat as a foursome, chatting about everything and nothing, passing the time over dinner. As they finished eating, Jenson was asking Seb how the F1 paddock was getting on and inquiring about his opinion on this year's batch of wide-eyed rookies.

 

Mark shook his head despairingly at Jenson.

“Some of them are so young, it's ridiculous. You know you and I raced with _Jos_ Verstappen. Honestly when the kids of people you competed with are on the grid, makes you glad you've retired.”

“Hmm yeah, no room for us old-timers in F1,” joked Jenson.

Under the table Jessica gave his ankle a knock.

“Not that you're old. Obviously,” backtracked Jenson.

Mark rolled his eyes.

“That Max kid is practically a child anyway,” continued Jenson.

“He's _actually_ a child,” noted Mark.

“How old is he?” wondered Jess.

“Seventeen,” stated Sebastian. “He's doing alright to be fair. Whether he'll still be doing the same in ten years time who knows. I don't know, maybe he'll be fine.”

“Mm true. Everyone went on about how young I was when I started and I didn't turn out so very bad.”

“Speak for yourself,” scoffed Mark.

“Hey.”

Mark shrugged unrepentantly.

 

“I was twenty when I joined F1. How old were you, you were younger weren't you?” asked Jenson to Sebastian.

“Nineteen,” confirmed Seb.

“You started after me,” noted Jenson looking at Mark.

“I was twenty-five.”

“ _Twenty-five!_ Ha, that's practically decrepit these days,” jested Jenson.

Jessica gave him a sharper kick.

“Ow, I mean, oh, ha, anyway...” covered Jenson.

Seb placed a hand on Mark's arm where they sat together at the table.

“We're a more mature bunch in Endurance,” continued Mark.

“Some of you anyway,” countered Jess, thinking Jenson had failed to heed her instruction to behave himself and be more sensitive, since he was incapable of giving up any opportunity to make a joke.

 

 

 

They changed the subject and chatted on for a while, but Jenson thought that Mark seemed rather subdued and started to feel guilty that he had been teasing Mark when Jessica had specifically warned him not to.

“Anyway, how's your birthday treating you? Not too disappointed to be spending it working?” wondered Jenson.

“Yeah it's alright,” conceded Mark.

“You know I'm only winding you up mate. I'll be thirty-six in a few months myself.”

Mark nodded, still quiet.

“Not that bad is it?” consoled Jenson, wondering whether he ought to apologise.

“Nah, course not. Long day that's all.”

Sebastian took Mark's hand and gave it a squeeze.

Jenson glanced at Jess and frowned. Something was up and he got the feeling that it wasn't just his cack-handed piss-taking.

“What's up?”

 

Seb and Mark were looking at one another, clearly having a conversation without words. Mark gave him a little shrug and Seb gave a shrug back. Jenson almost laughed at the way they communicated so easily.

Mark looked over at the other two and sat back a little, deciding he might as well fill their friends in on the situation.

“I'm just a bit pissed off, that's all.”

“What's happened?”

Mark sighed.

“We've been warned off.”

“Warned off?”

“Andreas warned me that there's going to be members of the board here this weekend, so you know, we'd better behave ourselves,” explained Mark in a dark tone.

Sebastian sighed and looked at Mark.

“He didn't exactly say that.”

“No, I suppose,” conceded Mark.

 

Jenson pulled a face.

“You're kidding me?”

“It's not the first time,” noted Mark.

“No, but after Le Mans?”

“You'd have thought they would have got over it by now,” added Jess.

“Apparently not.”

“It's fine,” assured Sebastian. “We'll just keep our heads down and you'll get a good result and they won't care about anything else.”

“It shouldn't have to be that way,” protested Mark.

“I know, but Andreas meant well. I'm sure he was only trying to look out for you,” tried Sebastian.

Mark huffed.

“Him, maybe, but it's not on. He wouldn't be having that conversation with anyone else on the team.”

“It's ridiculous,” asserted Jess.

Jenson nodded in agreement.

“It is. It stinks. No wonder you're pissed off mate.”

 

Mark let out a heavy sigh.

“Yeah well, it's how things are.”

“No one on the team has a problem with you guys. You know that right?” pressed Jenson.

“Yeah mate we do, thank you.”

Mark looked back at Sebastian who he knew wouldn't be happy at him getting riled up about the matter. He placed his other hand over Seb's and gave it a rub.

“I know it's not the team here, it's the suits at the top. I thought things were getting better, but...”

Mark left off and sighed again, Seb giving him a sympathetic look.

 

Jenson shook his head.

“Right, that's it. _I'll_ snog Seb in the garage, see how they like that.”

Sebastian coughed with unexpected laughter and Mark gave Jenson an unimpressed look.

“Er, no you bloody won't,” Mark countered firmly.

“Yes, can I just second that?” added Sebastian.

Jenson shook his head, pretending to be disappointed.

“Well I'm crushed to be rejected.”

Jessica turned to him.

“Umm hello?”

Jenson put an arm around her for a moment.

“Not really, just you know, for the greater good,” explained Jenson.

“Oh so I'm a charity snog then? Very flattering,” noted Seb in an ironic tone.

Jenson looked around his table companions.

“I think there's literally nothing I can say to retrieve myself here.”

 

The group rolled their eyes and laughed at Jenson's expression.

“Stop digging, mate,” advised Mark.

Jessica gave him a firm look.

“I'm taking away your spade.”

“A man offers to help out some friends...” sighed Jenson, a little grin teasing on his face.

Mark shook his head and laughed again.

“Ah fuck it. You're right. It's ridiculous.”

He regarded Sebastian.

“We're not worrying about this. It's bullshit. We're just going to behave normally and they'll get used to it.”

“All I'm going to be doing is watch you race,” noted Seb calmly.

“Exactly the same as I will,” added Jessica. “It's a load of rubbish. You should just be yourselves and then they'll know that there's nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Yeah okay. Right then, let's just forget it,” affirmed Mark.

 

 

Sebastian tried to think of something to change the subject.

“Did I tell you my sister's expecting?”

Jess beamed at him.

“ _No._ How did you not mention that earlier?”

“Sorry. Yeah, due in March so with any luck we can go and see them before the first race next year.”

“That's great.

“You're going to be uncles,” joined in Jenson.

“I'm already an uncle,” Mark pointed out.

“Oh yeah, course.”

Seb turned to Mark.

“You know I've never met your nephew and nieces.”

“I know, we'll have to sort that. Leanne said she'll bring them to visit next time we're out there.”

“Yeah that'll be nice,” agreed Seb. “Maybe we could go out there in the break?”

“To Aus?”

“Yeah.”

“Well we're at your parents' for Christmas.”

“Hm, before maybe?”

“Maybe. It's a bit of a squeeze. After Christmas?”

“I'm not sure when testing starts.”

“Mm good point, plus you'll need to be in at the factory.”

 

Mark let out a little sigh at how complicated their lives could be.

“Non-stop,” noted Jenson, reminding them that they were there.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

“Maybe we could just go out earlier before the race?” proposed Sebastian.

“Your sister?”

“Oh.”

 

Sebastian scrunched his face and Mark smiled at how cute he looked.

“We'll think of something.”

Seb smiled back and then looked back at the other two.

“We need to clone ourselves.”

Jess nodded.

“I know what you mean. I'm back in Japan after this, then over to America, but not at the same time as Jense, naturally.”

“Curse of the jet-set lifestyle,” complained Jenson.

“And they make it look so glamorous on TV,” agreed Seb.

Mark gave a wry laugh.

“Think that's where I'm going wrong; It's not the years, it's the mileage.”

“There's nothing wrong with you,” insisted Seb.

He leaned over and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek to underline his point.

“You're perfect Liebling.”

 

Jenson almost laughed to see them like this, but he saw the way Jess was smiling happily at them, and he had to admit to himself that it was nice. It made no sense to him why any Porsche executives could have a problem with two people in such a patently solid relationship. It really was ridiculous.

 

Mark found himself gazing at Sebastian and thinking how pleasant it felt to have Seb's leg pressed up against his own under the table. He glanced at his watch and wondered if it was too early to excuse themselves.

“You know it really has been a long day and we've another long day tomorrow, so...”

“Want to get some coffee?” suggested Jenson.

Mark looked at Seb for a moment too long again before answering Jenson.

“Early start. Thanks for joining us though. It's been nice.”

He returned his attention to Seb.

“Shall we go up darling?”

“Yeah good idea,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark glanced back across.

“You don't mind do you? This is just going on our room number,” explained Mark, hoping that at least if they were covering their meal it might make up for them ducking out early.

“Oh, umm, sure. Night then.”

“Night. Night Jess.”

“See you at breakfast,” parted Seb.

“Night guys,” waved Jess, as they got up and were gone.

 

 

Jenson turned to Jess as soon as they were alone and shook his head.

“Why do I get the feeling we keep getting ditched by those two?”

“Because we do. Hardly surprising they want to be alone when people make them paranoid in public,” argued Jess.

“Mm spose you're right.”

Jenson smiled as he thought what he had just heard Mark say.

“He'd better not call Seb 'darling' too loudly in the garage or one of those suits will lay an egg in shock.”

Jess laughed and shook her head. She suspected Mark hadn't even realised he'd said it. Mark was just behaving naturally with Sebastian. Those board executives really had no concept of what they were asking when they suggested Mark rein himself in and act as though there was nothing between him and Seb when they were so devoted to one another.

“I'd love to see that. Right, come on then comedy boy. Let's get an early night too.”

 

 

They went out into the corridor off the main lobby and pressed the button to call the lift. They stood to wait for the lift to arrive, only for the doors to open immediately to reveal Mark and Sebastian wrapped in a tight embrace, lost in a very enthusiastic kiss.

“Don't mind us,” coughed Jenson, Jess batting him on the arm to stop him teasing them.

Mark and Seb pulled apart in surprise and Jenson tried not to laugh at how pink Seb's cheeks turned.

Mark grinned, unashamed. “Whoops. Think I forgot to push the button for our floor.”

“We can catch the next one,” offered Jess.

Seb shook his head, dismissing the notion as he tried to recover from his embarrassment and the two stepped in to join them, making sure they pressed the buttons this time.

 

Mark casually slung his arm around Sebastian who stayed pressed into his side. As the lift doors opened on Jess and Jenson's floor they stepped out and turned to bid them good night. Just before the doors closed again, Jenson winked at them.

“You should do that in the garage on Sunday. That'd remove all your problems with the board; The lot of those old fuddy-duddies would drop dead with heart-failure,” he grinned.

 

The doors shut before either of them could come up with a repost. Mark huffed a laugh and Seb buried his face in Mark's shoulder.

“Oh god,” mumbled Sebastian embarrassedly.

Mark laughed again and gave Seb a reassuring rub.

“They're not bothered,” reminded Mark.

Seb looked up at him, his cheeks still a little blushed. The lift doors pinged once more and opened on their floor.

“Come on, let's get back to our room and you can make me feel a man ten years younger.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes as they crossed the corridor and he pulled out their room key card.

“That is the _worst_ possible pun,” Seb berated.

Mark grinned. “I thought it was rather good.”

“Terrible,” smiled Sebastian.

Seb shook his head as he opened the door, then took Mark's hand and hauled him into their room.

“Besides, I'm _eleven_ years younger.”

 

The door slammed shut behind them and beyond it you could hear muffled laughter, then a sudden silence as the pair returned to the abandoned kiss from before. If they couldn't have a lie-in tomorrow, they could at least have an early night, as Sebastian did his level best to remind Mark that he definitely wasn't old just yet and Mark was more than happy to be persuaded.

 

 

 

* * *

                                                               

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried so hard to write this as a one part chapter, but I failed...
> 
> Let me know if you're ready and we'll get to the second part.


	72. A Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second half of this chapter as promised...

 

* * *

 

 

 

Mark stood in the garage before the off on race day with his team-mates, all listening avidly to their race engineer who was running through a few last details. Out of the corner of his eye Mark could see one of the executives he had been introduced to earlier walking up to Sebastian and he couldn't help worrying what was being said.

 

As soon as they were done he went over to Seb and spoke quietly to him.

“What was that about?”

“Not sure. He was just saying hello.”

“Right.”

“I wouldn't put my foot in it Mark,” assured Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“I know you wouldn't. I'm more worried what he might say.”

Mark knew had no worries about Sebastian being polite and professional when he had a lifetime's training in dealing with strangers. He was far more concerned that some buffoon in a tie might say something offensive to Seb and then Mark would be tempted to give the man a piece of his mind and doubtless throw away his career in the process.

“It was fine. He just asked how I found things here and I said some nice stuff about the team.”

“Course, yeah, sorry. I'm worrying unnecessarily,” admitted Mark.

 

Seb placed a hand unobtrusively on Mark's arm.

“Don't worry about anything other than the race today, okay? It's all fine.”

“Yeah, course. I will.”

“And I think it helps I speak German, so at least I knew what he was on about.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Well you _are_ German, so...”

“So exactly. I'm all set.”

 

Mark looked over to see Andreas attempting to covertly gesticulate to him and he turned slightly to see the company CEO baring down on them. He leant in and whispered in Seb's ear.

“Incoming; The big boss.”

Seb snapped up straight as if about to be inspected and they both turned to greet him.

“Mark, good to see you again,” greeted Matthias.

“Oh, yes. Good to see you too. Nice that you could come along today.”

“Of course. I think we all wanted the opportunity to see things in action.”

Mark nodded, wondering what on earth to say. Andreas hadn't given him any particular directions about this in the end, perhaps uncomfortable about it given Mark's reaction on Thursday.

 

Matthias indicated the immaculately dressed middle-aged woman to his side.

“”Forgive me, I don't believe you've met my wife; This is Barbara.”

Mark stuck out a hand to shake the one offered.

“Pleased to meet you.”

Mark hesitated for a fraction of a second and then thought; _fuck it._

“And this is my partner, Seb.”

Sebastian politely shook hands with each of them and said hello.

Mark hid the fact that he was instantly wondering if he had said that right; Was 'partner' the right word? Was it better than 'boyfriend'? What did Seb think? Terminology wasn't exactly something they had discussed. He didn't think he had ever had to introduce Seb to anyone before. It felt weird and Mark hoped that wasn't because he was uncomfortable acknowledging their relationship in public. Mark could think only really think of him as 'my Seb' and that was hardly the sort of thing you said out-loud.

 

“Yes,” smiled Matthias. “I know who you are.”

“Good to meet you,” replied Sebastian politely.

 

Seb carefully continued smiling. He never wanted to presume anyone knew who he was, but given that he was a German four-time Formula One World Champion and Matthias was a German in charge of overseeing a German company in motorsport, it wasn't exactly unlikely that he would recognise him. That and the fact he was with Mark, which was in itself something of a give-away.

Seb gave Mark a fractional glance. 'Partner'. Was that what they were? Partners? It sounded about right. He generally went with 'boyfriend' but 'partner' did sound more serious and they were certainly that. In truth he rarely thought of them as anything other than him and Mark. It felt strange hearing them categorised in any way. If he had to think of Mark in any specific terms 'his other half' was the probably the definition Seb would go with. Why were these things so tricky?

At least Mark's top boss was acknowledging them. It occurred to Sebastian that if he had wanted to, he could have blanked them and that would have sent a fairly negative message to everyone, so this had to be good. Seb wanted to say something to help Mark but he was at a bit of a loss seeing as he didn't want to say the _wrong_ thing and cause any kind of problems.

 

“I saw your race at the weekend,” stated Matthias.

“Oh, right. Did you enjoy it?” enquired Seb.

He tried not to think about the fact that meant Mark's company boss must have also seen him kiss Mark and publicly thank him and what opinion he might have on that.

“It was quite a race,” acknowledged Matthias.

“Yes it was exciting,” interjected his wife. “I don't always watch as they are sometimes not quite so interesting.”

“Barbara is not such a fan of motorsport as myself,” admitted Matthias.

“Ah, perhaps I should not say so here, but I prefer the tennis.”

“Oh we watch quite a lot of tennis, don't we Mark?” replied Sebastian, relaxing somewhat.

“Do you?”

“Mm, when we can,” confirmed Mark. “But then to be honest I'm a fan of most sports.”

Seb gave him a little smile, thinking of all the time they had spent watching events on the television together and how content they were just to spend time like that.

”Competition in the blood, perhaps?” suggested Matthias.

Mark nodded. “That's probably it.”

“Yes, I should say Seb, congratulations, that was an excellent win in Spa.”

 

Mark smiled much more warmly, pleased to hear Sebastian praised.

“Hopefully we will have a similar result today,” continued Matthias.

“Of course,” agreed Mark.

“A good qualifying yesterday Mark,” recognised his boss.

“Yes thanks, we have a decent chance to go well from second.”

“And the other car starts third, that's right isn't it?” checked Barbara.

“It is,” affirmed her husband. “We have big hopes for today.”

 _No pressure then,_ thought Mark.

“As do we all,” Mark concurred.

“Indeed. Well good luck, let's hope for another podium or a win today.”

“Thank you, we'll be doing our utmost.”

“I'm sure you will. Well we must let you get on.”

 

Mark nodded and the couple moved along. Seb turned to him and spoke quietly.

“Was that okay? I can't believe I started babbling about tennis. He must think I'm an idiot.”

Mark shook his head.

“You were fine, you were just being friendly. Nothing wrong with that.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“Don't worry. It's all good,” assured Mark.

He saw Andreas trying to catch his attention and realised he had to get on as the race was due to start soon.

“I've got to work.”

“Of course. I'll be over with Jess.”

Mark nodded and gave Sebastian a smile. He'd really like to sneak a moment out the back and get a good luck hug and a kiss, but there were far too many people about so he would have to make do with the one he had received before they came down to the garage earlier.

“Good luck,” smiled Seb.

He wanted to at least squeeze Mark's arm to encourage him, but Sebastian found himself resisting that urge. For all that they had promised themselves they were going to behave normally and not allow others to dictate what they did, Seb felt dozens of pairs of eyes on him and he really didn't want to cause any trouble for Mark, so he just nodded back as Mark thanked him and walked away.

 

Mark headed over to his boss.

“All okay?” checked Mark.

“Yes we're good to go. You ready?”

“Yep, all good.”

Andreas paused, then asked what he wanted to.

“What did Matthias say to you?”

“Oh, umm, not much; Just hello, good luck, nothing in particular.”

Matthias nodded.

“You introduced Seb?”

“Oh, well, he introduced his wife. Wouldn't it have been rude not to?”

“Of course, of course, no I was just wondering.”

Andreas hesitated again, knowing they ought to be focussed on race preparations right now.

“You realise that was him giving recognition there?”

“Of us?”

“Mm.”

Mark nodded. It was madness that his top boss simply stopping to say hello to him and Seb should be considered some kind of declaration of acceptance, but if it was then it would be churlish to be ungrateful.

“Good I guess,” acknowledged Mark.

“Yes. He didn't say anything in particular?” pressed Andreas.

Mark shrugged.

“Just that he'd watched Seb win in Spa.”

“Well that's good.”

“Yeah, yeah I suppose it is, yeah.”

 

Mark was mulling it over; Matthias had been very civil to Sebastian, not that he expected outright rudeness of course, but even if the conversation had been fairly awkward, he had been friendly enough. None of the other top management had spoken to Mark much today other than to say hello when they were introduced to the drivers on arrival earlier. Matthias had gone out on a limb a bit compared to them. Hopefully as the CEO his attitude ought to have some influence on the others.

 

“He didn't say any more than that?” continued Andreas.

“Oh, umm, just that he was hoping for a good result today,” recounted Mark.

“Right, of course, yes well I think that would be very helpful.”

Mark nearly commented that a good result was generally considered helpful in any circumstances as a race team, but he knew what Andreas meant; With so many of the top brass here today it was an opportunity for Mark to impress them and confirm his worth despite any other 'issues' he also brought with him on a personal level.

“Mm, well, better get on.”

 

Mark walked away to join his team-mates by the car to oversee final checks being run by the mechanics.

“You hobnobbing with the bosses Mark?” joked Brendon.

“Something like that.”

Mark saw Sebastian looking over and gave him a little smile. Time to forget about all extraneous complications and concentrate on the important things; He was here to race and Seb was here to support him and everything else just needed to go to one side or Mark would never be able to put himself in the correct mindset to actually get in the car and drive.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat with Jessica watching on the TV as the cars lined up on the start, feeling a horrible churning in his stomach as the shot cut to show Mark. It felt an extra responsibility that Mark was being allowed to be in the car to start the race instead of one of his team-mates and Seb wondered if that was Andreas giving Mark another chance to prove himself to Porsche. It was good in a way, but it did nothing to help Seb's nerves.

He turned and gave a tight smile to Jess who smiled back then glanced over to Jenson who was talking with the engineers. She leaned in and whispered in his ear.

“Okay?”

“Yep. Just bloody nervous. It's ridiculous I know, but every time...”

Jess laughed a little.

“I know exactly what you mean. It's torture isn't it?”

She gave his arm a little pat.

“He'll be fine.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. I know, course.”

He thought through what Mark had told him to try to distract himself from worrying.

“Short stints today to try to push Toyota.”

“Mm,” agreed Jess. “Because it's dry?”

“Yeah I guess. A bit counter-intuitive for Endurance, but I think they really want the win so it's worth a go.”

Sebastian was trying not to think about the fact that it would also mean pushing harder on every component in the car, not to mention adding pressure to the drivers, as if there wasn't pressure enough already.

 

 

 

They sat and watched the start of the race. Seb held his breath through what felt like most of the first lap, but everyone seemed to be behaving sensibly, knowing as they did that although this was only a six hour rather than a twenty-four hour race, there was still a long way to go.

There weren't many opportunities for Mark to do anything to try to get ahead of Davidson in the car in front of him, but at least he was staying in touch and Romain in the sister Porsche was maintaining a steady gap behind. Seb knew that the idea today was to make the most of a strategy gamble, so there was no way Mark was going to do something reckless. After several steady laps Seb eventually sat back further in his seat.

 

To his side Jessica smiled and leant in.

“Alright now?”

Seb gave a her a slightly contrite smile.

“Is it that obvious?”

Jess scrunched her nose.

“Nah, give me an hour or so when Jense gets in and I’ll be just as bad.”

 

 

Time ticked on. There were a few near misses further back as the different categories of cars jostled for space and one or two nearly came a cropper, but nothing eventful occurred until the Nissan LMP1 car bringing up the rear of the top class of cars abruptly lost fuel pressure to its engine and slowed so suddenly that the group of following cars that had nearly caught it up had to jump out of the way and Sebastian watched, eyes wide open as he expected a mass pile-up at any moment. Miraculously all the cars somehow avoided the Nissan and it managed to trundle all the way back to the pits for what Seb suspected was about to be a lengthy stop in the garage.

The incident had woken him up at least, as Sebastian realised that he had been guilty of drifting a little and he was reminded that the moment you relaxed too much in motorsport was usually when something big was about to happen. He redoubled his attention and worked hard to keep track of where Mark was in the action, listening to the radio calls on his headphones and studying the graphics on screen that told him Mark was holding steady.

 

Seb was thinking once again how complex Endurance racing was in comparison to Formula One. Occasionally people asked him in interviews what he would do when he eventually retired and whether he would follow Mark into this category of racing. Seb usually dismissed the questions, saying that was too far off to think about and he was concentrating on his current job, but the truth was he did wonder about it occasionally.

It might be fun to race with Mark again and it certainly would make their lives easier in logistical terms, but it was hard to imagine being on the same team now they were together. Last time that hadn't exactly worked in their favour and Seb suspected Porsche wouldn't be keen. The idea of being on a competing team was even stranger. That would mean wanting to beat Mark and that concept simply didn't compute for Seb these days in any sense more serious than their little jokey races on their bikes at home, so that wouldn't work.

Apart from all those concerns, Seb wasn't sure this form of racing was really for him anyway. He couldn't quite get his head around the idea of having to share a race-car with other drivers. Even if he liked them, the only person Seb could imagine trusting on that scale was Mark and as that was unlikely it seemed to pretty much write off any prospects of him ever ending up here as a racer.

Seb consoled himself that he was still a long way off retirement from F1 anyway, so he didn't need to worry about it. Mark wasn't about to give up any time soon either. He liked to joke that they would have to drag him kicking and screaming away from racing. Seb wondered how long he would continue. Another ten years maybe? You could have a long career in Endurance racing if you wanted to. Sebastian would doubtless be out of F1 by then. Perhaps Mark would continue racing beyond him and then Seb could just come with Mark to watch like this?

 

Seb smiled to himself thinking that he might be quite happy just to traipse around after Mark as his number one supporter, but he would have to find something else to occupy himself in-between races or he would lose his mind. He would have to think of something, but thankfully he didn't need to panic about it just yet. Who knew where they would be in ten years time? Anything could happen. Sebastian was certain they would be together, but it was the only thing he was certain of. Apart from that he had no idea. Life had shown itself to be vastly more unpredictable than Seb had ever imagined growing up and he guessed it had some more curve-balls to throw at him yet. As long as they were together, they'd be okay. That was a hugely comforting thought.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark jumped out of the car in front of the garage and Timo hopped in his place as the mechanics set to work refuelling and changing the tyres. Sebastian looked over and tried to catch Mark's eye to give him a smile. Mark only had time to give Seb a smile back as he pulled his helmet off and he immediately got down to work with the engineers, running over what had felt good and not in the car and where he thought they were losing out.

Seb sat back and properly relaxed, knowing that Mark was safe. By his side he saw Jess looking over at Jenson as he prepared for his turn in the other car. His turn to be supportive. If Mark was too busy to need him, Seb knew Jessica would appreciate it instead.

“They're looking good,” pointed out Sebastian.

“Mm,” nodded Jess, not even turning to look at Seb as the second Porsche pulled up to stop outside the garage and the merry-go-round of drivers started up once more.

 

 

 

It was an age before Mark could finally come over just to say hello. Sebastian stood up to meet him and smiled encouragingly as Mark rubbed the stubble on his face and tipped his head side to side, stretching out the muscles in his neck.

“Okay?” checked Seb.

“Mm, yeah alright. We're pushing pretty hard out there,” confirmed Mark.

“Looks good.”

“Mm.”

Mark glanced around him.

“I see the spectators have thinned out in here,” he observed.

Sebastian nodded. Most of the higher management had only lasted half an hour before they headed back to the rather more comfortable viewing options provided by Porsche hospitality back at their base on the other side of the paddock.

 

“Do you want to get a bit of air maybe?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark looked back over at the engineers, Brendon was now stood with them looking over a few details. Mark wasn't due in the car again now until his other team-mate had been given his turn so he was probably alright to step out for while.

“Yeah good idea,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian turned to Jessica.

“Do you want to come?”

Jess briefly turned her attention from the screen.

“Oh, no thanks.”

“You'll be okay on your own?”

“Sure.”

Mark smiled at seeing how engrossed she was.

“He's doing good,” noted Mark seeing how Jenson had cut down the gap to Timo ahead.

It was a tricky balance wishing his friend well, but not at the expense of his own car.

“Yeah,” allowed Jess distractedly.

Seb put a hand on Mark's arm.

“Come on, we'll go get a coffee. Jess shall we bring you one back?”

“Oh um, yeah thanks that'd be kind.”

 

Sebastian nodded and they headed out back through the garage and into the main thoroughfare of the paddock which was much busier now that it was race day. With the racing running over a much longer period, the activity at the track existed on a slightly different level to that of an F1 weekend and Seb was always struck by the different atmosphere. Endurance racing wasn't as rarefied as Formula One. There was far less posing and rather more of the nitty-gritty of racing on show. Seb liked that. It always felt like a new experience to attend one of Mark's races, even if they were at tracks he knew well from his own races.

They started to walk along the paddock and Sebastian saw Mark visibly relax as they got further away from the garage.

“Alright?” enquired Seb.

Mark nodded slowly, then gave Seb a little shrug.

“Yeah, at least it was a clean run.”

“It was good.”

“Hmm, no chances to get ahead though. I didn't even get a look-in and those early stops have dropped us down the field.”

“No, well, long way to go yet. Didn't you say the strategy is to get in a good place to be ahead later in the race?”

“Mm, yeah, it's just that if we're stopping so much, we have to push harder in-between otherwise we lose too much time in the pits.”

 

Sebastian nodded, knowing these days how Endurance pit-stops were far slower than in F1.

“You'll be fine.”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Just go faster?”

Seb smiled and shrugged back.

“You can do that,” Sebastian insisted.

Mark gave an acknowledging tip of his head.

“Yeah I guess. If this works out we should be ahead at the end.”

“Only time it really matters,” grinned Sebastian.

 

Mark laughed back and slipped his hand into Seb's as they walked along. A few people looked, but he didn't care. Sebastian seemed happy and the race was going okay, if unspectacular. Mark appreciated the way Seb worked to always find the positive for him. This was what he needed on a race weekend; Uncomplicated support. Always there, asking nothing of him, willing to do whatever was needed, even when most of the time that was simply to stay in the background and wait. Sebastian seemed content to play his role and merely back Mark up, always looking to ensure Mark stayed in the right frame of mind and never letting him slip into pessimism or the kind of negativity Mark knew he was capable of when left alone.

“I'm very glad you're here,” reminded Mark.

Seb beamed back at him and Mark let go of his hand to slip his arm around Sebastian to give him a little squeeze as they walked along. Fuck anyone who looked on and disapproved. Mark didn't care.

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later Sebastian sat alone at the back of the garage. Jess had accompanied Jenson to get a break and they had been gone a while. Seb had offered his congratulations to his friend for a sterling effort in his stint to get the car temporarily at the head of the field.

They were in that confusing middle spell of the race when the pitstop strategies made understanding who was really ahead difficult, but Jenson had pulled off a very neat overtake of the leading Toyota who had dropped back as a result of going on longer runs. It had occurred whilst Timo was exchanging his car with Brendon, so Seb wasn't sure whether to count it as getting ahead of Mark's car or not.

All very confusing, but either way it had been a nice move, and put the other Porsche in the lead, so Seb had congratulated Jenson on that basis when he got out. Now he was trying to work out where things stood as Mark was due to climb into the car shortly. He had bobbed over to let Sebastian know, stealing Jessica's empty seat for a moment as Mark told him he was about to get the nod and said that things were looking 'alright'.

 

Not one but two Audi's had been hit by electrical trouble and been forced into lengthy spells in the garage and Sebastian was fairly certain that their day was pretty much done in terms of challenging for a podium. The two Porsche's were sitting one, two, with the other car holding the lead for now and the Toyotas behind them. One Nissan was out, the other was currently slotted into fifth, but Seb was guessing that if the Audi's were back in one piece they would push him further back.

All to play for at any rate. Sebastian saw Mark pull his helmet on and go to stand at the edge of the garage ready to jump in. As the car was shown on the television to be pulling into the pitlane Mark glanced back over and Seb gave him a thumbs up. Sebastian had no doubt that the lurking cameras would have captured it and as he looked up he saw a fractionally time-delayed shot of him giving Mark that little encouragement. More important to Seb was the fact that underneath his helmet he was absolutely certain Mark had smiled back at him. It didn't matter that he couldn't see it, Seb felt it.

 

As the car shot off, Sebastian concentrated on the screen once more to try to keep his head in gear so he could keep track of it all.

 

On colder tyres Mark took a while to get back up to speed and the pitstop had dropped him a way down behind both Toyotas, but after a few laps he was gaining on them. Jess and Jenson reappeared at last and found seats to join Seb as they watched, applauding and cheering as Mark managed to get by Nakajima in one Toyota going into Ford Curve and then brilliantly nipped up the inside of Wurz in the next Toyota going around the hairpin only moments later.

The whole garage was up and applauding and Seb was grinning like a fool.

“Someone's on a roll,” remarked Jenson.

Sebastian merely nodded happily. He knew that Mark's Porsche was on fresh tyres and both Toyotas were due stops, but it was still wonderful to see Mark make the moves on track. It had happened so fast Seb hadn't even had time to get nervous, so that was all the better.

 

“I'm up next,” noted Jenson. “I'd better watch my back, eh?”

Seb and Jess glanced at one another thinking that this was actually a fairly unusual scenario. So far there had been little intra-team battling for them to worry about. They were so used to supporting one another it might be odd to be supporting opposing cars.

For now though the leading Porsche was way ahead and Mark got a call though on the radio telling him to conserve his tyres. He smiled a little inside his helmet, knowing that the team were anxious to get a good one, two, result today. He wouldn't endanger that when he knew how important it was, especially when he wanted to make a good impression with the management present, but if he get within sniffing distance of the lead Mark knew he would have to take it.

That was what racing was. He would never be happy with playing second fiddle purely on the say-so of others. Mark was already deciding that he would be careful, but just push it a little bit to see what was possible. If he got close enough he would try his luck. Nothing stupid, nothing that might endanger both cars and end the day in disaster, but if there was a chance he would make the most of it.

 

 

Lap after lap Mark accrued just a touch more speed on Marc in the other Porsche ahead of him. It wasn't headline grabbing, he was still making sure he didn't push too hard on his tyres, but as they came into the last sector of the circuit, the leading car was getting ever closer and Mark was already planning that if he could do one, maybe two more laps at this pace he could get within biting distance and try to take him on the last bend of the circuit where Mark was sure there was room enough to make the move securely.

Just as he was about to get on the radio to find a subtle way to check Andreas wasn't going to impose team orders to keep them in line, the voice in his ear came on suddenly warning Mark that there had been a collision between three of the GT cars fighting over the same corner and the safety car was out.

 

 _Damn,_ thought Mark. All that momentum and it was as if the air had been let out of him. He couldn't even take the opportunity to sit in behind the leading Porsche and get him at the restart as there were several other category cars that had slipped in-between them while both cars had been dodging back-markers. Mark sighed to himself and obediently sat in the queue going round and around.

 

Sebastian watched on the television as marshals cleared the scene. Thankfully although the cars were damaged beyond repair as far as this race was concerned, all the drivers walked away unharmed.

“Lucky that was a slow corner,” observed Jenson.

“Mm,” agreed Seb.

He heard Mark come on the radio asking how many more laps this was likely to last and Seb could hear frustration in his voice. He'd been going so well, but then racing was like that; Often it was completely out of your hands. On screen they were showing the damaged barrier and Sebastian had a feeling that this was going to take a while to fix. It was annoying, but what could you do?

 

 

 

Twenty minutes later the team cut their losses and called Mark in to switch over to Timo once more while the safety car remained out and they would lose less time on the pitstop. Seb could see from the set of his shoulders that Mark was unimpressed. He sent him a smile as Mark removed his helmet, but Mark just gave him a fractional nod before going over to discuss things with the team.

Mark stood and listened as they explained their reasoning. It did make sense to stick to the plan and no doubt Timo would try to do what Mark had been planning on to get the lead. Mark tried not to think selfishly that _he_ had wanted to do it, not just for the satisfaction of putting them in a winning position, but because today of all days it really mattered that he was the one to do so. Mark knew it wasn't right that he was being put in a position of needing to prove himself over and over to his bosses. He knew he had run a solid race, made some decent moves and essentially done nothing wrong in his time in the car, but in spite of himself Mark had really wanted to show them all what he was worth.

 

He looked across and saw that Seb was still watching and Mark managed a smile for him. Seb still thought the world of him, that was what mattered. If Timo or Brendon could pull off a move, they might yet win the race and that would be all the top brass would care about.

 

 

 

The safety car came back in and once Mark had done all he could reasonably think of to help the engineering team he came back over to sit with Seb.

“You did great,” whispered Sebastian.

“Thanks.”

“Really, two in one there, that was fantastic,” praised Seb.

“They were desperate for new tyres,” mitigated Mark.

“ _Still.”_

“Still,” nodded Mark. “Thank you.”

 

Jenson jumped up.

“Stand by your beds people, I'm next,” he announced.

Mark had to laugh and how enthusiastic Jenson was, but then his car was in the lead, so he ought to be.

“Good luck.”

Seb echoed Mark's wishes, as did Jess who gave him a peck on the cheek as Jenson departed. Sebastian caught Mark's eye and wondered what would happen if he did the same. Perhaps not the day to find out.

Jenson dashed off to make ready and as he swapped into his car and set off, all three remaining looked up and saw that the graphic now showed the other Porsche had taken the lead while the sister car pitted.

If he had stayed another few laps in the car that would have been Mark sitting in front. Seb gave him a tiny shrug and Mark nodded. Nothing to be done now but watch the race play out, he had done his bit, now the result rested on his team-mates.

 

 

 

 

After half an hour of Jenson dutifully lapping in order behind Timo, Sebastian began to wonder if maybe Mark might want to go and get a little break again, but as he looked at him Seb could see that Mark was engrossed in the race despite nothing happening on the surface.

Seb leant in and whispered to Mark.

“Okay?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian hadn't heard anything from Porsche that spelt out team orders and he knew that the policy of the team was to allow fair racing. He frowned at Mark.

“Have they said something?”

“Hm?”

Seb spoke quietly, not wishing for Jess to overhear.

“To hold position?”

Mark almost laughed as the echo of 'multi twenty-one' flashed into his mind.

“No mate, no I think he's biding his time.”

Mark had been studying Jenson's moves; Alternate laps he crept closer in different places around the track, then dropped off. The team were aware that the move was on.

Mark pulled his headphones back in place and listened as Andreas himself came on to speak, warning; 'Be aware of your surroundings' first in English to Jenson, then in German to Timo. The inference was clear; You have permission to race, but for the love of god do _not_ crash into one another.

 

Seb looked at Jess who had tensed up on his other side and gave her a reassuring smile. This was awkward; If Jenson pulled an overtake he would effectively be stealing the race lead from Mark and maybe take the win. Seb tried to reconcile himself that as long as both cars came out unscathed it would be a good result for the team and if Porsche was happy at the end of the day that could only be good for Mark.

 

Another half lap passed and Jenson was close on Timo's heels. They could feel the tension rising in the garage. Timo came out of the Schumacher Esses with decent speed, but he was slowed by having to overtake back-markers in front and Jenson closed up behind. As they entered turn ten they got almost too close and everyone held their breath until both cars exited the bend safely and Timo got by another couple of lapped cars on the straight while Jenson attempted to do the same.

Going into the next corner Timo pushed to regain more of a lead, making the move to get past the lapped Audi as he entered the curve. As Timo drove into the right-hander he took the inside racing line and Jarvis driving the Audi seemed to be giving him space to get by, but as they came out of the bend the Audi suddenly chopped too tightly inwards and without warning its front end clipped the rear of the Porsche. Before either driver knew it they were both spinning off into the gravel on the far side of the track while Jenson sailed safely on by, inheriting the lead by default.

 

Both Sebastian and Mark stared in disbelief. They had been preparing themselves for a tight battle between the two Porsches, this had come totally out of the blue.

There was an audible sigh in the garage as everyone watched to see if Timo could get it back, but gravel was flying everywhere and within seconds it was only too obvious that he was out of the race.

Just like that, nearly five hours of racing and one misjudgement by another driver and all their efforts were for naught, everything over in a single moment.

 

Mark dropped his face into his hands while Seb continued to look at the screen, somehow hoping that a miracle would occur and Timo would find some grip to crawl back onto the circuit, but then he saw the drivers both out of their cars, no doubt a few harsh words being exchanged.

Seb turned to Mark trying to think what on earth he could say. He placed his hand gently on Mark's back and gave it a little rub as Mark pulled off his headphones thinking there was no point listening any more.

“I'm so sorry,” consoled Sebastian.

Mark turned to look and him and could only nod dejectedly.

He sat up straight and took a steadying breath, trying to hold it together, but his heart had sunk somewhere below the concrete floor under his feet. Everything he had done, everything the whole team had done all weekend, all that work, all that opportunity, squandered in an instant.

 

Mark closed his eyes for a moment to compose himself, still feeling Seb's hand on his back trying to comfort him. It wasn't Timo's fault, he knew that, but Mark couldn't help feeling as though he somehow would have foreseen that problem and avoided it. Maybe that wasn't true. Maybe he would have had his eyes on Jenson behind him, worrying about the move the other car would make and how he could hold the lead, win the race and shut those board members up once and for all. Then Mark too would have been cut up on that corner and unceremoniously shunted into the gravel just the same? Maybe, but it didn't feel like it right now.

 

Jessica looked over past Seb at Mark.

“I'm so sorry,” she conciliated.

Mark nodded again. He was sure she was genuine, even if this meant that Jenson was now unchallenged.

“Do you want to go out back for a minute?” suggested Seb, thinking that Mark could use a proper hug away from the cameras and the rest of the team.

Mark shook his head. He did, but now wasn't the time. Now was the time to show team solidarity. He got up and went over to console the equally heart-broken engineers and mechanics on his side of the garage as they waited for first Timo and then the car to return to the garage.

 

Both drivers had survived the crash without injury, which really was the main thing Mark reminded himself. The car likewise was barely damaged other than a dint at the rear and some scrapes to the underside from crossing the gravel which the mechanics were currently looking at. Somehow the lack of damage to the car almost made it more frustrating. If only Timo could have somehow kept it on the road he could have stayed in the race and seen what kind of decent result might be retrievable. Mark knew that wasn't fair though, the incident had been over in seconds and Timo had been helpless from the moment of impact. He had wanted a good result from today just as Mark had.

Mark gave Timo a commiserating pat on the back.

“Could have happened to any of us. If I'd have stayed in, that would have been me,” sympathised Mark.

Timo huffed.

“I should have seen him coming. That corner was too tight, I should have waited until the straight.”

Mark shook his head. It was all to easy to be wise with hindsight.

“His fault mate, he gave you room then changed his mind. Either that or he doesn't know where his front end is. Not your fault.”

Timo huffed another long breath and Brendon looked at Mark, all three thinking the same thing; It didn't matter what the cause or whose fault it was, it was done now, their race was run.

 

 

Seb turned back from watching them and gave Jess a little smile. Jenson was pulling away in front, his lead now unassailable. At least one of them was having a good day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

An hour and a half later Sebastian stood around in Mark's little room, trying to stay out of the way while he got changed.

“I'm really sorry,” repeated Sebastian, unable to remember how many times he had said that now.

Mark sighed as he pulled on his regulation Porsche top and looked at Seb. All he had done since the crash was say sorry and Mark could think of no answer except it didn't matter. But it _did_ matter. It always mattered, but today it mattered more than most.

 

Mark took another stilling breath and tried to come up with something to say.

“Hardly your fault mate is it?”

Seb stepped in closer.

“No, but I'm still sorry,” he consoled, putting his hand on Mark's arm and looking up at him.

Mark nodded, staring into those blue eyes, trying to find solace in them, but feeling as though if he explained what he was thinking he would only make Sebastian feel worse and he never wanted to do that.

“I know you wanted a good result today.”

Mark nodded, feeling his face getting tighter.

“I know today was important,” empathised Sebastian.

“Yeah,” let out Mark more shakily than he expected.

“Oh _Mark_.”

Seb couldn't bare seeing Mark so disappointed. He threw his arms around Mark's neck and squeezed him tight, feeling Mark's arms go around him in turn, pulling him in at the curve of his back to press in against him.

They held on to one another for a while and Mark took more comfort from it than he had realised he needed.

 

As they let go, Seb took his hand and lead Mark to sit on the little bed. He kept a hold Mark's hand as they sat next to one another.

“I so wanted you to win.”

Mark huffed a dry little laugh.

“Me too.”

“I wanted us to be back-to-back winners, together.”

Mark nodded. It was a nice idea, but life didn't work like that.

 

Mark dropped his head sideways against Sebastian's and sat that way in silence for a few minutes as he tried to pull himself together.

“It's just I really could have done with a good day today, even a one, two, even if they'd still won and we'd been on the podium together. It really would have helped,” confessed Mark.

“With the bosses?”

“Yeah.”

Mark sighed heavily again.

“I know it shouldn't be this way. I know it feels like I'm letting them put me in this position of having to prove myself when I shouldn't have to.”

Seb turned to look at him.

“But you _did_ prove yourself. You did everything right Liebling. You ran a great race, you were sensible when you needed to be and you made those great overtakes, they'll have seen all that,” tried Seb.

“I know, but they only take away the end result. They'll forget all the other stuff.”

“You're a Le Mans winner Mark, they know how good you are.”

“You're only as good as your last result.”

“Oh Mark, you don't think that?”

“I don't. I suspect they do.”

Seb shook his head.

“They're not that shallow are they?”

Mark shrugged. Perhaps he was being unjust? Perhaps they could see the bigger picture? He couldn't be sure. Andreas had told him not to worry, but he couldn't help himself.

 

“I don't know. Maybe I'm just on a downer? Sorry sweetheart, I'm going to be a miserable bugger for a while.”

Mark raised his hand and stroked his hand softly down Seb's cheek by way of apology.

“It's okay, I understand.”

Mark dropped his hand and sighed again.

“I don't know how you put up with me when I'm like this?”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“Because I love you.”

“Ah, that.”

Seb nodded.

“That. Plus the billion times you've helped me when I'm all out of shape.”

Sebastian pushed up slightly and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Come on, let's go paste on some smiles and tell Jenson well done again,” proposed Seb.

“Yeah mate, okay.”

They stood up and Mark tried to shake off the weight of bad feeling on his shoulders.

“Guess I'd better get my game face on to play the corporate team role, see if I can't impress the suits that way instead,” suggested Mark.

“Should I...? I'm okay to be there?” worried Sebastian.

“Of course you are. Not sure how I'm going to do it if you're not backing me up.”

Sebastian nodded, then worried again.

“Mark, we won't have made anything worse today will we? You and me I mean?”

Seb thought that even if they had been guarded compared to how they naturally were, they had been slightly more relaxed today, allowing the odd touch in the garage, holding hands in the paddock and so on.

Mark turned to face him.

“We've not done anything wrong Seb, okay. I'm not having us get completely paranoid about this, okay darling?”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a quick kiss then they were out the door to go and salvage what they could from a day that had so nearly been a triumph.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was very late by the time they finally walked through their front door. Mark and Sebastian had barely put their bags down before they were pounced on by Shadow and Simba. Mark knelt on the floor and allowed himself to get buried in them as they nuzzled into his neck and face. He rubbed their fur and smiled the first wholehearted smile in a long time.

“Hello boys, did you miss us then?”

Sebastian smiled and ruffled the dogs from where he stood, getting a response from each before they turned back to Mark. Seb smiled to himself thinking how uncanny it was that they always knew who needed them most.

 

“Why don't I take these up and you put the kettle on?” proposed Sebastian.

Mark looked up.

“Hm? Oh, okay, thanks.”

Mark would have offered to help, but he really did feel tired out, so he let Sebastian take their things up to their bedroom while he led the dogs into the kitchen, topped up their bowls with food and water and started to make some tea.

 

 

Sebastian came back in to find Mark sat at the kitchen table still petting the dogs who crowded around his legs. He gave Mark's shoulder a little squeeze as he walked past to make them two mugs of tea from the pot that Mark had left brewing. As he returned the milk to the fridge Seb read Pauline's little note attached to the door.

“Pauline says there's a new rabbit warren in the far field of Beech Farm and we might want to keep the dogs on a lead on the footpath cos she nearly lost them yesterday.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Housekeeping, dog-walking and now wildlife spotting. Is there no limits to her talents?”

 

Seb smiled, thinking it was the cheeriest response he'd had all evening. Mark had been very quiet as soon as he was released from his work responsibilities and rather than talk, all Mark had done on the plane was lean into Sebastian and rest their heads together. Seb brought over their mugs and passed Mark his as he sat beside him.

“Thanks.”

Seb nodded and reached over to place his hand over Mark's holding the mug.

“You're okay aren't you? I know it's no fun having to pretend to them all when you just want to go home.”

Mark gave a little tip of his head. He knew Seb was only too familiar with that chore.

 

It had helped in a way to know that he could rely on Seb to be by his side doing exactly what Mark was doing; politely smiling and trying to say the right thing, even though neither of them were in any mood for it. Mark had spoken to Andreas on entering the hospitality area where Porsche where mingling, celebrating one of their cars winning, and let him suggest who he ought to speak to.

They had done as requested and made an effort to chat with a few key individuals, focussing on the positive and praising the team and what Porsche was doing in motorsport. Most of the people Mark had spoken to had been polite enough in return, if occasionally a little awkward. He guessed that perhaps they struggled with dealing with him as a real person, rather than an abstract discussed in meetings. He tried not to let it make him any more paranoid than he already was. Some people were better than others at socialising with strangers and Mark supposed it was entirely possible that they had no personal prejudices against him, only hard-headed business concerns.

Only one individual had appeared to have a genuine problem with him; When Mark and Seb had approached one group, one of the older board members had excused himself the moment he had been introduced to Mark and Seb as a couple. He couldn't even look Sebastian in the eye and the reaction had made Mark so angry, feeling it a slight more on Seb than himself, that after a few minutes Mark had to duck out of the room, pretending to visit the bathroom. Sebastian had followed, and it had taken some time alone outside for Seb to calm him down and persuade Mark not to take it personally, suggesting that perhaps the man felt guilty pretending to be friendly when he had argued against Mark in the boardroom. Mark had shaken his head and found his smile again at being reminded how Seb unfailingly tried to see the best in people, even when their behaviour suggested quite the opposite. Seb always seemed to find a way to calm him and balance him out and Mark had been entirely honest when he told Sebastian that he was a better person for having him by his side.

 

Mark puffed another long breath to level himself, seeing Seb trying to help him out once again.

“Yeah, sorry. You know what a moody sod I am.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You're not moody, you're disappointed. It's okay.”

“Yeah.”

“You did everything right. You've nothing to feel bad about Mark.”

“I suppose.”

“I know you're worried about all the higher-ups, but at least we know they were watching the race today, so they'll have seen all the good stuff you did.”

“Mm.”

“And you used your German a bit, so they must have been impressed with that?”

“I just hope I got it right.”

“You did, you were great,” assured Sebastian. “I'm sure they'll have been pleased to see you making such an effort.”

Mark nodded and puffed a breath. It certainly couldn't have hurt to try to show off a little of his language skills to try to get on their good side while he had spoken with the predominantly German members of management. At least with Seb by his side Mark knew he couldn't get into too much difficulty and if he went wrong, or misinterpreted something, he knew Seb would have rescued him, but that much had gone reasonably well it seemed.

 

“And Andreas had no problem with you?”

“No,” confirmed Mark. “He was fine.”

Sebastian hesitated, but decided to check.

“And no problem with us?” he asked cautiously.

Mark moved his thumb to rub it over Seb's hand as it rested by his.

“No darling, he had no problems with us.”

“Okay. So.” Seb reset himself. “Next race you'll have another chance. The car was good and you can try again.”

“Yeah, yeah I know. I just wish it could have been today. I know I keep saying that.”

“It's okay. At least they saw a Porsche win, so they'll have left in a good mood?” tried Seb.

Mark huffed a wry laugh.

“Yeah guess so, I just wanted it to be _my_ Porsche winning,” he admitted.

“I know. Next time Liebling, next time.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark worked to push his despondency away and reminded himself how he had once vowed that he would put up with any DNF in a race if only he could have Seb there to meet him in the garage to make him feel better. That was exactly what he had got and he should be thankful for it.

Once he would have laid the blame at the feet of the Racing Gods whom Mark thought hated him, but that did no good. It was just bad luck and bad timing. It was just life, just racing. These things happened. Seb was right; he had another chance soon enough and wallowing in self-pity and frustration neither helped him nor poor Seb who had to put up with him sulking.

 

“I'll be alright. I just need a bit of time,” Mark explained.

Seb nodded. He pulled his hand back and the two of them drank their tea in peace for a while.

 

“We've got all of tomorrow free to ourselves,” reminded Sebastian.

Mark gave a half smile. Their one entirely free day off together in how long? Three weeks?

“True.”

“And we can do whatever you want. Nothing if you want,” proposed Seb. “What would you like?”

Mark sat back and thought.

“Bit of a lie-in?”

Seb nodded and Mark smiled, thinking that always went down well with Seb. He would be happy to know that Sebastian was getting all the sleep he wanted. Even if Mark woke long before him, holding a sleeping Seb was never anything but wonderful.

“Then... Well I guess I'd like just to do what's normal; go for a run, maybe stop for coffee.”

“That'd be nice.”

“After that... I don't know, walk the dogs, have lunch, hang around the house, nothing special.”

“That sounds very special to me,” asserted Sebastian, thinking that their 'routine' was rarely enough possible with all the time they spent away from home.

“If it's nice I guess we could go for a bike ride in the afternoon if we're feeling energetic?” proposed Mark, thinking that exercise and fresh air would be the best medicine.

 

That rang a bell in Sebastian's head and he put down his mug.

“I was going to leave it until tomorrow, but would you like your present?”

Mark looked blankly at him for a moment.

“Your birthday present?” emphasised Sebastian. “I know it's late. We can leave it if you'd prefer?”

Mark saw Sebastian's hopeful face and knew he couldn't knock back a chance for Seb to cheer him up when he was trying so hard.

 

“No, now would be good.”

Mark paused.

“I can use the Zimmer-frame to help me up to bed.”

Seb batted at his arm.

“Silly. Okay, hang on a sec.”

 

He jumped up from the table and disappeared from the kitchen, returning with two parcels and putting them on the table as Seb sat back down.

“Two?”

“Don't get over-excited. It's not big. I didn't know what to get you, so...”

Mark reached over and squeezed Sebastian's hand as he looked at him carefully.

“Whatever you have got will be great. You know I don't really care about presents. You're the only present I need,” asserted Mark.

Sebastian smiled coyly, then turned it up a notch as he decided to tease Mark.

“I'll take these away should I?”

Mark pulled his hand away and snatched his presents towards him.

“Hey these are mine, get your mitts off,” he joked.

Sebastian laughed and sat back as Mark considered his gifts.

 

“Okay you have to open the big one first,” instructed Seb.

“As you say mate. Righto.”

Sebastian pushed the smaller present to the other side of the table and Mark picked up the larger parcel to examine it; Squishy, what was squishy?

“Open it then,” encouraged Sebastian.

Mark ripped open the paper and pulled out the contents; A green sweater.

He looked over to see Seb beaming.

“A sweater. Lovely mate, thank you.”

Seb started giggling and Mark was confused for a moment.

“What?”

“Because you said, didn't you? I should get you a sweater, seeing as a swimming pool was too big,” explained Sebastian.

“Imagine how much wrapping paper you'd need?” joked Mark.

“Exactly, so, here you go.”

“Just what I wanted,” affirmed Mark.

“Green okay?”

“Green is fine.”

 

Mark looked at it; Dark bottle green, actually it was a good choice for him.

“It is cashmere,” pointed out Sebastian.

Mark looked at the label.

“Very nice.”

Mark meant it. This was a lovely sweater, a nice colour and it did feel very soft. So what if it was just a sweater as his gift? He didn't care. Seb was his gift and he was smiling over, looking pleased with himself and that alone made Mark feel a million times better than he had a few moments before.

He leaned over and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“It's lovely sweetheart, thank you.”

 

Sebastian was still smiling.

“Shall I open my other one then?”

“Yes.”

Mark reached over for the smaller parcel, but Seb intercepted his hand and took a hold of it.

“Come with me,” Sebastian instructed, pulling Mark up and leading him from the room.

Mark didn't resist, wondering if Seb wanted to go upstairs, but he led him out of the house instead.

Mark leaned in towards him.

“You've not got a swimming pool hidden out here have you?” Mark teased.

Seb turned partly around as he walked and shook his head, turning back to lead Mark into the garage, letting go of his hand to feel around in the dark to find the light switch.

 

“Ta dah!”

Mark's eyes were adjusting to the change in light and couldn't see what Seb was pointing out so happily; The Porsche, boxes of tools, shelves full of assorted junk, their bikes neatly piled to one side. The _bikes_.

 

He walked over to see a brand new top of the range road bike carefully propped in front of the others, a jaunty ribbon bow attached to the handle-bars.

“Oh wow.”

Mark went to investigate his gift. It really was the latest thing, high-tech, lightweight, very shiny.

“You like it?” asked Sebastian.

Mark stood back up from where he had crouched down to look at the bike.

“I love it. This is great. Very flash. Wow. Must have cost a fortune?”

Seb shrugged happily. He didn't care. He'd barely looked at the price, knowing he had the luxury of a full bank account and little enough to spend it on.

 

Mark moved in and gave Sebastian a proper kiss on the lips. As they pulled apart he saw how thrilled Seb looked to know he liked his present. He reached up to run a knuckle down Seb's nose thinking again how cute it was. Mark was impressed that Sebastian should get him something so appropriate when he knew Seb had been struggling to come up with an idea. He bet Seb had spent ages thinking of this.

“Perfect darling. Well done.”

He shook his head a little thinking how although Seb liked to go cycling with him, bikes weren't really his thing.

“How did you know what to get? No offence.”

Seb laughed. “I asked JB.”

“Ah. Very sneaky of you.”

Mark nodded. That made sense as Jenson was quite the bike nut. All the information you needed right there. He suspected Jenson had given Seb the make and model and where to get it. He would have to thank him too.

A thought occurred to Mark.

“When did you get it?”

They'd barely been home since Spa and not been apart since Hungary. No way Seb had snuck this in here without him noticing.

“I got it online, then arranged for it to be delivered when Pauline was in,” explained Seb, thinking of all the slightly anxious texts he had sent their housekeeper this weekend asking whether it had arrived in time.

Mark looked at the bike again.

“I guess we have her to thank for this.”

He indicated the bow.

“Guess so,” agreed Sebastian.

It was nice of Pauline to think of the little extra touch. He'd have to send her flowers as a thank you for helping him with this.

 

Mark smiled and shook his head. Another person to thank. All the people that cared about him, ganging up to do something nice. What better present could you ask for?

 

Mark tried lifting it with one hand and felt how light the bike was. Pretty impressive.

“I'll leave you for dust now mate,” teased Mark.

“Maybe I can have your old one?” suggested Seb.

“Yeah good idea, I can adjust it.”

Mark thought he could buy Seb a new bike for Christmas, then they'd be equal.

 

“It's a fantastic present darling,” affirmed Mark.

“I did good?”

“You did great. And excellent stealth skills keeping it a secret,” confirmed Mark.

He gave Seb another hug.

“Shall we go back in and I can open my other present then?”

“Oh that's just a little thing, it's just an extra.”

“I think I'm doing pretty well as it is,” asserted Mark.

 

 

 

They returned to the house and as they sat together at the kitchen table Sebastian passed him the smallest parcel; Something hard and rectangular, thinnish.

“A book?” tried Mark, thinking of the other gift they had joked about.

Seb shook his head, so Mark opened it, slowly, enjoying the look of anticipation on Seb's face. Sebastian looked so happy that Mark liked his birthday presents, his face was all lit up and Mark smiled to match it, still thinking he was the best gift of all.

Mark ripped the paper open and took a moment to work out that he was looking at the back of a photo-frame, then removed the rest of the gift-wrap and turned it over to look; There was already a picture in the frame.

 

“Oh Seb.”

Mark felt his heart swell as he looked at the photograph; The two of them together on the beach on holiday. Sebastian resting his head by Mark's shoulder as they looked into each other's eyes. The picture shone with bright sunshine, Mark's skin brown and sheeny, Seb all golden and his nose a little pink, a sliver of white sand was visible behind them, a perfect azure blue sky above the tree-line beyond. You couldn't see below the tops of their shoulders, but Mark knew how tightly they had been holding on to one another in that moment. It was a snapshot of perfection, perfect place, perfect company, perfect happiness.

 

Mark dragged his gaze from the photograph to look at Seb.

“You like it?”

“It's...”

Mark shook his head, almost overcome. He swallowed before speaking.

“It's perfect.”

Sebastian looked impossibly happier and pressed himself into Mark, sliding his arms around his middle and laying his head on Mark's shoulder in a reflection of the picture in Mark's hand.

 

“I thought it was such a nice picture.”

“It is. It's amazing. I love it,” confirmed Mark. “I can't believe one of our selfies turned out so well.”

“I know. I wasn't sure if it would work, but I looked on the internet and found this place. They checked the resolution and said it would be okay.”

“You did it online?”

“Yeah I did all your presents online. No time for anything else.”

“Course.”

 

Mark realised that meant they were trusting strangers with this image and there was a chance it could be leaked. He would just have to hope for the best. A company trading in developing private pictures must have decent security policies or they would go out of business.

 

“They straightened the shot up and framed it and everything.”

“Nice work,” agreed Mark. “Do you think they'd do me a little one to keep in my wallet?”

Seb squeezed him happily at hearing the idea and Mark put the photo down to wrap his arms around Sebastian in turn.

“I'm sure they would,” affirmed Seb. “I could get one too.”

So what if they had the picture on their phones? It would be nice to have something tangible that they would see day-to-day as a little reminder.

 

Mark turned his head and dipped in to give Sebastian a kiss.

“You give the best birthday presents.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Well I remember enjoying yours as well.”

Mark glanced at the photo-frame propped up in front of them.

“Well now we'll always remember it.”

 

The dogs had come back over from their baskets and were nuzzling around them trying to find out what was so interesting that their masters would ignore them. Seb and Mark pulled apart as the dogs fought for their attention and gave them a stroke until they were happy.

Mark picked up the photo-frame and showed it to the dogs.

“Look what Seb got. Isn't he clever?”

Sebastian laughed as the two animals nosed at the photograph, recognising them in it.

“I think they like it too.”

“Yeah. We'd better keep this upstairs or they'll be knocking it over all the time,” warned Mark.

“Mm, yeah,” agreed Seb.

Mark looked at the photo-frame once more and thought he wanted it on the bed-stand so he could look at it whenever Sebastian was away. Seb had called this the smallest of his gifts, but Mark thought he would treasure this one most of all.

 

“It's late. Why don't we go to bed?” suggested Sebastian.

“Mm, yeah good idea. I am tired,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian gave him a sly smile.

“How tired?”

“Pretty tired.”

But Mark was already thinking he might be persuadable to be less tired, given a suitable incentive.

“I could take care of things?” offered Seb.

“Oh really?” grinned Mark.

Seb's hand was sneaking up his thigh and Mark was feeling less and less tired the higher it strayed.

“Mm,” smiled Sebastian. “You know, if you fancied another present?”

Mark tweaked his eyebrow up thinking he pretty much always fancied Seb.

“Well you are the present I really want,” agreed Mark.

“So?” teased Seb.

“Well it's an offer that's pretty difficult to refuse.”

“Shall we go up then?”

“You know I find it very hard to refuse you anything darling,” Mark confessed.

 

Sebastian grinned and took Mark's hand once more to lead him across the room. Mark picked up the photo-frame to take upstairs with him. As they reached the door, Mark shooed the dogs back in.

“Sorry boys, you're not invited to this party,” apologised Mark.

As Mark pulled the door shut, he turned and kissed Sebastian on the cheek and they headed up the stairs, Mark now deciding he really wasn't tired at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark lay awake, Seb asleep where he fell draped across him. Mark looked at the photo frame by the bed and thought again what a beautiful picture it was and how happy they looked in that sun-kissed snapshot. They would never be old in that picture. In that frozen moment they would always be preserved as they were; young and together and in love. It would always be a reminder of a golden day of rare untroubled perfection.

He looked back down at Seb lying in his arms and thought that this too was a moment of perfection; His Seb, warm and comfortable, safe and happy in their own bed at home and the prospect of a free day tomorrow when what would make them both happiest was to spend it together doing whatever simple things made the other happy. A precious day off, not to be wasted. When they came home from doing all the little routine things that helped them feel as normal as they ever were in this life, they could curl up on the sofa together and watch something on TV, a film, sport, whatever, it didn't matter. Mark would wear that lovely green sweater Seb had bought him and Seb would snuggle in against its nice soft wool and Mark would hold him tight. That would be a moment of perfection too.

They had so many wonderful little moments like that and it would be a shame to let them get lost in the onslaught of difficult days they had suffered through. These good moments were the ones that mattered. Mark didn't care about the race result from earlier now. It faded into the background and he knew there would be other chances. This was far more important; making the most of each of these moments together and recognising how lucky they were to find such happiness in each other.

One day he would look at that picture and it would be a long gone moment, a vague memory lost in time, but he would still have Seb. Mark knew he wouldn't care how many wrinkles either one of them had as long as he could still hold Seb in his arms like this and know that they loved each other no matter what. He had no doubts that however many years passed they would still love each other just as much. That was all truly counted in the end, and that, like his birthday, really was something to celebrate.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy sad/ Sad happy, as complicated as it always is for these guys


	73. Recognition

* * *

 

  


  


Sebastian sat in Dr. Menton's office feeling very strange to be back. It seemed like such a long time since he had been here, far more than the two months or so that had actually passed. Henry had spent the first five minutes apologising for the fact that knowledge of his visits had become public, and Sebastian reassuring him that he knew that was not Henry's fault.

 

Henry knew that of course, but the length of time it had taken Sebastian to get back in touch had left him wondering if Seb did in some way blame him. The call from Seb asking if he might be able to come and see Henry had come out of the blue the previous Friday and Dr. Menton had squeezed him in at short notice, knowing Seb's schedule was even more packed than his own.

Sebastian was here late on the Tuesday afternoon after an early start at the factory in Milton Keynes, going over plans for the upcoming race weekend and spending some time in the sim practising driving set-ups for Monza. Seeing as he and Mark were flying out to Italy the next day Seb really didn't have much time, but he had wanted to ring-fence the Monday after they had got home, thinking he would rather have one busy day and one completely free day to spend with Mark.

 

 

Seb sat on the old sofa, nursing his mug of tea, looking out of the window at the familiar view over the rooftops of Oxford. It was a great view, almost worth coming here for that alone. After a few minutes of innocuous chit-chat about the weather and the traffic, Sebastian started to relax and feel more at home. He had been here so many times before, sat on this sofa going through all those terrible memories and tangled fears, all the times he had sat here feeling upset or angry or ashamed or confused. All the times he'd cried and felt as though there was no hope that things would ever get better for him. They felt so long ago, like he was almost a different person sat here now.

 

“So how are you doing Sebastian? I saw the race at the weekend,” started Henry.

“You watched the race in Germany?” asked Seb in surprise.

“Germany? I thought it was Belgium, isn't Spa in Belgium?” frowned Dr. Menton.

“Oh you mean _my_ race? Sorry, Mark was racing this weekend just gone,” clarified Sebastian.

“Ah, sorry, yes I meant your race. The weekend before I should say.”

“Right, yes that was Spa and it is in Belgium, although we've been back and forth all over the place so much recently I lose track myself.

“It was remarkable race, even a novice like myself could see that. Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

Sebastian was rather impressed that Henry had watched the race despite having no expectation of seeing him again any time soon.

“Do you watch all the races now, the F1 ones I mean?” wondered Seb.

“If I can, yes,” admitted Henry. “I think you may have got me hooked.”

Sebastian smiled and Henry didn't want to tell him that it always felt as though he was keeping an eye on him, even if he could only do it from afar.

 

“Well, thank you.”

Seb looked over.

“Are you about to ask me about getting emotional on the podium?”

Henry shrugged.

“Do you want to talk about that?”

“I don't know. I guess that's why I came back here. I was talking to a friend of mine about it and she asked if I still saw you and it made me think... I guess I realised that I'd stopped coming because of all the media attention and maybe that wasn't right, I don't know, maybe I just thought...”

Sebastian huffed a laugh at how mangled this was coming out and shrugged before speaking more decisively.

“I guess I thought if they're going to make such a big thing about me seeing a therapist I might as well actually be doing it.”

“Very logical,” agreed Dr. Menton.

Seb puffed out a long breath and nodded.

 

“It was just nice to talk to someone. I mean of course I talk to Mark, but it was nice to talk to someone else. Jess is nice, she's really easy to talk to somehow. I'm lucky to have such good friends.”

“So how do you know Jess?”

“She the wife of my friend Jenson who I used to race with, he's team-mates with Mark now,” explained Seb.

“Small world.”

“We do live in a bit of a bubble,” Sebastian admitted. “I pretty much spend all my time with the same people. Outside of racing I really only see family, so I guess it's not that surprising my friends come from that world.”

“Who else would you call a friend there then?”

“Lewis and I are pretty good friends, I mean we don't really talk about anything deep particularly, but he's a nice guy. He always seems to find a way to cheer me up and just to have a bit of a laugh which is nice, but he's more thoughtful than he lets on.”

“This is Lewis Hamilton?” checked Henry.

“Yeah.” Sebastian smiled. “You really have been getting into F1.”

“Ah well I confess even I knew who he was beforehand.”

“Oh right, of course. I just find the idea of fame a bit odd when it's people I know. Anyway, yes Lewis. I know his brother Nic a bit as well, he's hung out with us sometimes when he's at races. And there's Dan, my team-mate, he's a good guy. And DC, he use to race for my team, he was Mark's team-mate before me, and we're friendly with him at races even though he works for the media now. Plus, well I'm not sure whether I could count Christian and Britta seeing that really is work based, but they are friends in a way. I know I can count on them.”

 

Henry was nodding and smiling.

“What?”

Henry shook his head.

“I remember a time when you said you didn't have any friends apart from Mark.”

“Well he's still my best friend.”

“That's good to know.”

“I used to be pretty isolated I suppose. Maybe I just couldn't see the friends I already had?”

“That's a good point.”

“And I see a lot more of my family now. My brother just came to stay and he came to the race with us at Spa.”

“I saw,” confirmed Henry.

“On television?”

“Yes, they showed your support in the garage and them watching you get your trophy when you won.”

“Of course. Right, yeah we've not actually got around to watching it back yet. Anyway, yes Fabian was with us, then we took him home to my parents and the rest of my family was there.”

“Sounds nice. I'm sure they were glad of a chance to congratulate you.”

“Yeah. To be honest I really just wanted to go home with Mark, I was so tired after the weekend, and it had all been a bit much, but I'm glad I went in the end.”

“Mm?”

“It was good to see them, plus I found out my older sister is going to have a baby, so that was really great news to hear in person, so I could actually give her a hug and stuff.”

“Very nice. Congratulations to her.”

“Thanks. Yeah...” Seb puffed out a long breath. “Anyway.” He shook his head. “I can't remember what I was talking about now.”

“You were saying you were pleased you have friends and family you are close to these days.”

“Oh. Yes of course. Yeah I guess all this has made me appreciate them more.”

“All this?”

“Some stuff happened that weekend and I guess everything over the past few months.”

“Ah yes. Well then, why don't you fill me in?”

 

  


 

Sebastian held the cold mug of barely touched tea in his hand. He puffed out a long breath.

“Yeah I guess that pretty much brings us up to now.”

Henry nodded, thinking that Seb must have covered the events of the past two months without drawing a breath. He had let Sebastian run on with his story without intervening too much, suspecting that Seb wanted to get it all out.

“It's a lot I know,” allowed Seb.

Dr. Menton nodded.

“To be completely honest Sebastian, I hardly know where to start. You seem remarkably calm.”

“Do I? I don't know, I suppose I've really only touched on the surface of it all. I hope you don't think I'm short-changing you, but I'm not sure how deep into it I can really go today.” admitted Seb.

“Well it had been a long time since we last spoke,” agreed Henry.

“Yeah, I guess, but I have to leave for Italy tomorrow.”

“Another race?”

“Yeah.”

“They do come around fast.”

“You're telling me. Anyway, I guess the thing is I don't think I can really afford to dig too much today if I have to be back into work tomorrow,” Seb explained.

“Ah, I see. No that makes sense. It really is too much to cover in one session I suspect. Perhaps we should just class this as a refresher and we can meet again when you have more time?” suggested Dr. Menton.

“Yeah. Thanks. I just feel in a pretty good place at the moment and I suppose I don't want to spoil that.”

Henry smiled.

“Well the idea of these sessions is not to leave you feeling worse, but I take your point. We can just talk about whatever you want to today. I appreciate that you've been through a lot since I last saw you.”

 

Seb nodded, trying not to lose himself in thinking too much about just howmuch he had been through.

“There were times I pretty much fell apart, times I'd never have got back up again if it weren't for Mark. I mean other people helped me, my friends, my family, and my team, but they never really saw how bad things really got.”

“Just Mark?”

“Yeah. He's been amazing, just incredible. I'd never have got through it without him.”

Henry simply nodded again.

“Are you thinking I rely too much on Mark?” wondered Sebastian.

Henry shook his head.

“No. I think you've been though a hell of a time. I don't think there's anything wrong with being glad of the support you have to help you.”

“I really wouldn't have made it this far without him,” insisted Seb.

Dr. Menton gave a little tip of his head sideways.

“I think perhaps you underestimate how strong you are Sebastian.”

He held a hand up to stop Sebastian interrupting.

“Now, before you say I'm doing Mark down, I'm not. I think the two of you are clearly very well suited. You support one another wholeheartedly and without question you are seem happy with your relationship.”

“We are.”

“That's good to know. My point though, was that _you_ have had to get through everything that has happened. You did that and hearing all you have been through, I have to admit to being amazed that you are sitting here able to discuss it at all.”

 

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“I guess so am I. There's been times I never thought I would make it. Mark has had to scrape me up off the floor so many times.” Seb looked at Henry. “I mean literally. There were literally times I couldn't get up...”

For the first time in their session, Seb's voice caught.

“You know I can have attacks when things get bad.”

Henry nodded.

“Well I had a few, some worse than others. Mark's had to look after me sometimes... I know that must make me sound, I don't know...” Seb trailed off uncomfortably.

“If you've suffered attacks then it was good that Mark was there for you. Of course he should help you. From all I know of him, I would expect nothing less.”

“I know it must have been a strain on him too sometimes, but he's never once complained. Not once.”

“I think that's essentially the definition of unconditional love,” confirmed Dr. Menton.

 

Sebastian smiled at him and nodded.

“Yeah. He's amazing. I love him so much. I'd do anything for Mark. Anything at all. I guess most of the time it's been more about him supporting me, but I try my best to do what I can in return. This last weekend Mark was racing and I think I was able to help a bit.”

“You played the supporting role instead?”

“Yeah. I usually think he needs less help than me, but he didn't have a great result. Another car crashed into his so they went out even though things were looking really good. It was such a shame for them. Mark wasn't driving at the time, but it was hard for him to deal with. Anyway I think it helped I was around, but then Mark always says how much he appreciates me being there, even though the team are a bit iffy about it.”

 

Henry frowned, remembering what Sebastian had told him following the race at Le Mans.

“They still have issues with your relationship?”

“Well not the team that's there, but as a company, yeah, apparently, and it upsets Mark quite a bit.”

“I'm not surprised.”

“No. Well anyway, I just try to keep him in a good frame of mind and be there for him if there are problems.”

“That sounds like you do good work for him. You shouldn't play down your role Sebastian. I think it must mean a lot to Mark. Especially if there are those who oppose it and he still wants you there in spite of that.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Mark's too stubborn for that to have any affect. If they wanted to guarantee me being there, the best thing they could do was tell Mark they didn't approve.”

Henry laughed a little in return.

“They're shooting themselves in the foot then?”

“Yes I suppose they are.”

“It's interesting that you describe Mark as stubborn,” noted Henry.

“I think Mark would call it bloody-mindedness...”

“Yes, but my point was that you're also very stubborn, or to put it more constructively; determined.”

Sebastian nodded and gave a shrug.

“Yeah, well I guess we have quite a lot in common.”

 

Henry smiled.

“Well that's good. What I meant though, was that you have had to be very determined to carry on with your racing through everything you've been through this year. You shouldn't underplay that Sebastian. It shows great strength of character.”

Seb shrugged again.

“It never really felt as though I had any choice. Perhaps that's been a good thing in the end, I don't know?”

“Perhaps. I think it is good to recognise it though. You should be proud of yourself,” insisted Henry.

Sebastian stopped at that for a moment. Proud. He'd never thought of it in those terms. It _was_ something to have got through the past few months and feel as good as he did right now.

“Yeah I guess. I've not thought of it like that. _Relieved_ I think more than anything. It does feel as though we've turned a corner at last. I know the media aren't about to just leave us alone and it's not as though everything is suddenly perfect, but I think maybe by contrast with how things have been, it does feel good now.”

 

Henry was nodding again. In his head Seb was amused to notice how frequently his therapist did that. He must get repetitive strain. He knew it was Dr. Menton's way of encouraging him to carry on talking.

“Like I say, I feel in a pretty good place, so that's why I guess I don't really want to get into how bad it all hurt at the time and, I don't know, I'm not saying I'm all fixed now.”

Dr. Menton gave a little laugh and Sebastian looked at him wondering why he would laugh at him saying that.

“Sorry. I wasn't laughing at you Sebastian. I'm just amazed how far you've come. Once apon a time you would never have been able to recall such upsetting events so dispassionately.”

“It's not that I don't feel anything, or I've forgotten how awful it was.”

“No, but...”

Dr. Menton sat forwards, propping his chin on folded hands as he regarded Sebastian.

“Seb do you remember how we used to talk about trying to recall what has happened in your past without re-living events?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Guess I'm getting better at it.”

Henry huffed a dry laugh.

“Sebastian, I'm not sure you realise how transformed you really are from the person I first met eighteen months ago.”

 

Dr. Menton thought that the young man sat in front of him was unrecognisable from the one who had first come here all that time ago; Only comfortable when talking in technical terms about his racing. Sebastian had been so fragile beneath that brittle surface, when he cracked and revealed what lay underneath, Seb completely fell apart.

 

“Yeah, I suppose I have changed. Maybe I've had to toughen up?”

“Well I wouldn't quite put it that way Sebastian. I think you've always been tough. You're a survivor. It's what you do. You see it as having no choice, but you've always had a choice. You could have given up any number of times, plenty of people would have. You couch what you do in terms of having no choice, but the truth is you keep going because you're a survivor, it's what you do because it is who you are. No matter how bad things get, you keep going somehow. You make the _choice_ to do so and you survive.”

 

Seb took a sip of his cold tea and thought about that. It was really what Mark said of him in many ways. It was what the little fish on their wrists symbolised.

“Thanks. I think maybe that's why I'm feeling better. It's been horrible, but maybe now I know that I can get through things. Even if it seems impossible at the time. Maybe I couldn't on my own, but with Mark's help I can.”

Back to Mark. It always came back to Mark, thought Henry. Sebastian was completely immoveable on that subject. Stubborn as ever, it was a topic which it simply did no good to fight him on.

 

“Well that is a very good thing to be aware of,” noted Dr. Menton.

“Yeah. I feel like I'm finally moving on.”

“I think you've already moved on.”

“Yeah maybe. I guess it's reassuring to know that if anything bad happens again we will be okay, we'll get through it,” asserted Sebastian.

“Do you worry something is likely to happen? wondered Dr. Menton.

 

Seb puffed out a long breath.

“I don't know. I don't think so. Nothing specific anyway.”

He sat back a bit and looked at Henry.

“I've spent so long worrying about what is going to happen next, what the media will find out, what _he_ might do...”

Henry knew full well who 'he' was.

“But you think he's done his worst now?”

“Yeah. I think so. I can't see what more he could try.”

Henry nodded again.

“Do you want to talk about him and what he tried to do to get at you?” tried Dr. Menton.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Not really. Not today.”

“Next time maybe?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I hope you don't think I'm wasting your time?”

“Not at all. We can talk about whatever you want to. Is there anything you would like to discuss today?”

 

Sebastian frowned, trying to think what he might safely discuss without disturbing his hard won equilibrium.

“Is there anything that might be useful in terms of this upcoming race perhaps?” coaxed Henry, knowing that Seb was keen to make sure he was well set up for the weekend.

“Umm, well I have all these interviews the team have planned.”

“You do a lot of those,” noted Henry.

“Yes, but these are kind of different. I've agreed to give a couple of sit down in-depth ones. Britta's idea is for people to get to know me a bit more,” explained Seb.

“And that worries you?” asked Henry, knowing how private Sebastian was.

Seb puffed another breath.

“I don't know, not _worries_ , just... Jess said something about me being myself and I've been thinking about how I spend so much of my time acting for the cameras...”

He gave a little shrug.

“I'm not sure I really know how to just be myself.”

“Do you think your real self is something people won't like?”

Seb shrugged again.

“I don't think you need to worry about that Sebastian. There's plenty to like about you. Wouldn't Mark and all your friends agree with that?”

“I suppose, yeah.”

“And you say you always act for the cameras and I've no doubt you've had to do a lot of that, but you've never actually completely disguised your personality. From what I've seen there's been plenty of the real you in those interviews; You like to make jokes and help people feel at ease. Just because you have been doing that at times you didn't feel like it, doesn't actually mean that isn't the real you.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“So what is it you are worried about?”

“I don't know. Maybe...” Sebastian sighed. “I think maybe I'm worried that if I relax too much I'll say something I shouldn't?”

“What could you say that was so very terrible?”

Seb shrugged.

 

Henry shook his head.

“You've spent a lifetime being told what to say and making sure you do the right thing, according to others wishes,” observed Dr. Menton.

“Yeah I guess that's true,” admitted Seb.

“You shouldn't assume that you will automatically be doing the _wrong_ thing if you're acting on your own behalf for once,” suggested Dr. Menton.

“It's not really that. I don't know... I think maybe I worry that I've been keeping things back so long that I'm scared I might let everything out all at once. Like a balloon popping.”

Henry nearly laughed at that very visual analogy.

“You think that sounds stupid?” wondered Sebastian seeing his expression.

Henry shook his head.

“No. Like I say, I think you've been holding back for a very long time. It's not unnatural to be concerned that you may not know how to handle it.”

 

Henry sat and thought for a moment.

“Okay, so... Why don't we have a think about what you're trying to achieve in those interviews.”

“They're just PR puff really,” confessed Sebastian.

“That's a part of your job though, so you don't need to feel bad about it.”

“I don't want to feel dishonest.”

“No of course not. I'm sure there's a middle way for you to not feel as though you are just putting up a front without giving up too much of yourself.”

Seb nodded thinking that sounded good.

“Right, so why don't you have a think about re-setting your boundaries a little bit?” suggested Henry.

“On what?”

“On what you're prepared to give up of yourself. I appreciate that there are areas of your life that you wish to keep private. Rightly so. I don't think any reasonable person would expect you to strip yourself bare just to keep the media happy, and you have areas of your life regarding your past that I know you will never wish to make public.”

“No.”

Sebastian didn't even want to think about that past, never mind imagine discussing it in public.

 

“That's entirely natural. You don't need to feel guilty about it,” insisted Henry. “What I think would be helpful for you might be to consider what are safe areas for you to open up about, what you are happy to talk about and what you are not.”

“Okay.”

“It's Britta, the person who organises these things for you?”

“Yeah.”

“So if you discuss it with her, she could make sure whoever is doing the interviews knows what you are and aren't prepared to discuss.”

Seb nodded.

“That's kind of how it should work anyway.”

“Great. So then you can go into your interviews already knowing that you have nothing to worry about,” suggested Dr. Menton. “If you think through and prepare yourself for what aspects of yourself and your life you feel comfortable sharing, what really matters and what doesn't, hopefully you will be able to be more relaxed about letting out a little more of what you are really thinking and feeling, without the worry that things will run out of hand. You've been holding back for such a long time about so much of your life, that it is second nature to you. I think that's why doing something different makes you feel a little uneasy. If you can let yourself feel a bit less as if you're suppressing things all the time you might actually feel better for it.”

 

That did make sense. The idea of not feeling so much pressure to control every tiny aspect of what he said in public was a relief, even in abstract.

“So what do you think?” pressed Henry.

“Yeah. Yeah that does sound good. I'll think it through. Sometimes I rehearse a little bit what I'm going to say in my head.”

“Uhuh.”

“But I don't want to be too rehearsed, so maybe if I just plan the broader topics a bit?”

“That sounds very sensible,” agreed Dr. Menton.

 

“Okay. Alright then, thanks.”

Sebastian looked at his watch. Time always seemed to fly in these sessions.

“I guess our time's up.”

“I don't want to rush you,” allowed Dr. Menton.

“No it's okay. I know you squeezed me in today and I appreciate it.”

“That's okay. I was glad to see you. I hope it has been helpful.”

“It has.”

“Well next time perhaps we can get more into things?” proposed Henry.

“Yeah. I'm back after the race.”

 

Henry pulled out his diary.

“A week today maybe?”

“Any chance we could do Wednesday? Then I'll have more time,” suggested Seb.

Henry traced his finger along the page and checked.

“Wednesday three pm?”

“Great. Thank you. This has really been good. Just to think over things a bit.”

“Good. Well I shall see you next week then. Best of luck for the weekend,” offered Henry.

“Thanks. Shall I wash this out?”

 

Henry shook his head and took the half-full mug from Seb.

“I'd better push off then, thanks. Mark's waiting for me.”

Henry tried not to laugh. Of course Mark was.

“He's not outside is he?”

“Oh no, he's killing time in town.”

Sebastian slid Henry a wry grin.

“We seem to spend a lot of our lives waiting for each other and drinking coffee. I think we're developing a caffeine habit.”

“There are worse ones you could have. Well, till next week.”

“Till then. Maybe you'll watch the race?”

“I shall endeavour to do so,” promised Dr. Menton.

Henry shook his hand.

“I'll do what you said, for my interviews,” added Sebastian.

“Good. I hope it helps. Don't worry too much about them Seb, I'm sure they just want a nice chat.”

Seb nodded again, resolving to work on not letting it be too big a deal.

 

  


  


  


They said their goodbyes and Sebastian headed down and out onto the street, walking through town feeling a little lighter. He made his way through the mid-week crowds of shoppers and tourists that always thronged the streets of Oxford and enjoyed the feeling of anonymity he had here as no one seemed to recognise him or pay him any attention as they went about their own business.

Seb found the bookshop with the café where they had arranged to meet again and bounded up the stairs, happy to have got through the session with Dr. Menton in a positive manner. He saw Mark at a table and waved over as he weaved his way through the tightly packed little tables.

 

“Hey.”

“Hey, all okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah good.”

Seb leant in and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek to thank him for waiting around.

“I didn't get your drink. I wasn't sure if you'd run over the time,” excused Mark.

“That's okay, I'll just grab one now.”

Seb went back and got himself a drink before rejoining Mark.

 

“Thanks for hanging around,” offered Sebastian.

Mark gave a dismissing shake of his head.

“No problem. Everything okay? It went alright?”

Mark tried not to let on how he had been worrying that Sebastian might get upset talking things through, despite the fact that they had discussed in advance that Seb was only planning to go over things more broadly with his therapist.

“Yeah. Yeah it went okay. I did what we said.”

“Okay, well that's probably best isn't it?”

“Yeah. I'm going to go back next week and maybe we can get into things a bit more then.”

“Good. Still glad you went though?”

“Yeah. He gave me some tips for the interviews I have to do this weekend and I think they'll help. I guess it was just good to catch up a bit, get his overview on it all.”

 

Mark sipped his coffee and nodded, feeling relieved that Seb had returned to him in as good a mood as when they parted.

“Great, well that's all good then,” agreed Mark.

Seb blew on his coffee then took a drink.

“You've not been too bored have you?”

“Hmm? Oh no. I picked up a book to read for when I'm hanging around at the track this weekend,” explained Mark.

“Good idea.”

“And...”

Mark pulled up the bag that had been resting next to his chair.

“I did a little investigating and I found a book for you too.”

 

Seb furrowed his brow wondering what Mark had got him. He was about to point out that he was unlikely to have much free time to read this weekend, when Mark pulled a miniature picture book out of the bag and presented it to Seb.

“Oh Mark. How did you find this?” asked Sebastian in astonishment.

“I asked the girl on the desk. She didn't know it, but she found the woman who runs the kids' department here. I described it to her and she knew right away what I was talking about.”

Mark smiled, remembering how he had almost been too nervous to ask, thinking that they would consider him crazy, but they hadn't at all. Doubtless they had far stranger enquiries each and every day in their jobs dealing with the public.

 

Sebastian opened the little book and flicked through the pages until he found the illustration that had been on the birthday card he had given Mark.

“Look.”

“I know,” smiled Mark.

“Oh Mark, it's lovely. I can't believe you found it.”

“Well not really me,” laughed Mark.

Seb looked up from the pages he was staring at.

“I'm surprised they have it over here.”

“Actually she said it's not German. The author is British,” recounted Mark.

“Really? Huh. Okay I never knew that. They must have translated it. The version we had was bigger than this one,” recalled Sebastian.

“I thought the little one was nice.”

“Yeah it is, it's cute,” agreed Seb.

 

Mark smiled, thinking the book wasn't the only thing that was cute. The assistant had shown him the normal picture book and a travel sized version. No doubt it was intended to keep kids happy on long journeys, but Mark thought Seb might want to stick it in his luggage when he was away at races as a little keepsake.

He had been so concerned that Sebastian might need cheering up when he got back to him that Mark had been thinking this little gift might do the trick, but it seemed Seb was fine. It didn't matter though. He looked thrilled at Mark's find.

 

“It's lovely. Thank you Liebling. That was very thoughtful of you.”

Mark gave a little shrug. The quest had kept his mind off worrying about Seb. He had sat here with his coffee and read the story through a few times while he waited for him to return from his therapy session.

“You really are the penguin,” noted Mark.

Sebastian smiled and flicked through the book, reading it over to be reminded of the story again.

He nodded slowly at Mark.

“Yeah, I think I actually am. That's a bit worrying.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Nah. Happy ending sweetheart, so we're all good.”

He reached over his hand and stroked his thumb over Seb's hand where he held the book and they smiled at one another.

 

Seb looked back down at the picture on the page he was on; The boy and the penguin braving huge waves out at sea as they ventured out in their little boat.

“Mein fels in der Brandung.”

“Always.”

Sebastian was getting lost in those warm eyes looking back at him, forgetting where they were and how many people were around them, chattering away, drinking coffee and eating cake.

“Thank you. It's very sweet. I can fit it in my bag.”

Mark gave Seb's hand a little pat and then pulled his own hand back.

“That's what I thought.”

Sebastian closed the book and drank some more of his coffee.

 

“I'm actually looking forward to the weekend.”

He huffed a dry laugh.

“Been a while since I could say that.”

“True. I'm sure you're going to go great.”

“Well things seemed pretty good at the factory this morning.”

“I'm sure they're all still on a high from your win in Spa,” grinned Mark.

Seb gave a half-shrug.

“Maybe. Anyway they seem confident.”

“So we're all good.”

“We're all good,” confirmed Sebastian.

Damn, it really had been a while since that was true. Seb actually couldn't wait to get out to Monza now and see if he couldn't put all this positive feeling to use and get another good result on the track. Surely he was owed a little run of things actually going in his favour for once?

 

  


  


  


  


  


 

Mark and Sebastian were walking along the paddock in the early evening of Wednesday, heading back to the hotel after Seb had spent some time with the team in preparation for the weekend.

“All okay then?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, seems so. Think it's good to get ahead of things today. Tomorrow shouldn't feel so packed.”

 

As he had so much media work planned Sebastian had arrived in advance of his usual time and they had come straight to the track as soon as they had checked into their hotel and deposited their belongings this morning.

 

“It's nice not to feel quite so rushed,” continued Sebastian.

“Yeah. You're all set for tomorrow?”

“Mm, think so. Britta's tried to spread them out so I can mix it up with time in the garage. It shouldn't feel too intense then.”

“Sounds sensible,” agreed Mark.

“Yeah. Gonna be busy though. You won't be bored will you? If you want, you don't have to come to the track. You could hang out around the hotel, or in town or something?” suggested Seb.

“Nah it's fine. I've got my book haven't I? Besides Fernando texted earlier and wants a catch up at some point.”

“Oh so you're really coming here for him then?” teased Seb.

Mark rolled his eyes.

“As if. It'll just keep me out of mischief for a while. Besides I should say thank you to him for sending me that very nice card.” He glanced at Seb. “Not as nice as _your_ card, obviously.”

“Obviously,” agreed Sebastian dryly. “That's fine. You know I'm only teasing.”

“I do in fact.”

 

Mark gave him a wink and Seb felt a silly little thrill at it. He slipped his hand into Mark's and felt another little thrill as Mark gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Anyway, more importantly, what would you like to do tonight?” Mark enquired. “Do you just want to get room service and hang out, or do you want to find dinner somewhere in town?”

“It'd be nice to go out.”

“Great. We'll do that then,” agreed Mark.

It felt good to be planning ordinary normal activities, rather than holing up in their room dealing with one crisis or another as they had far too many times of late.

“It can be your birthday meal,” proposed Seb.

“Didn't we do that already?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Not just the two of us.”

“Fair point. Okay sure, good idea,” retracted Mark.

He knew Seb only wanted the chance to make a fuss of him. It didn't matter that they had technically already had a meal out for his birthday. He hadn't been in the best of moods for that one, so why not have a second attempt?

 

 

  


  


  


  


They stood waiting at the entrance of the tiny family restaurant that Mark had spotted. The maître d' was seating another couple, but the room wasn't busy yet as it was still early for dinner by local standards. He came back over and picked up a couple of menus before looking up properly at the two people in front of him. The man stopped and stared at them, seeming frozen in place. Seb glanced awkwardly at Mark who instantly wondered if he had made a mistake picking this place.

“Table for two?” requested Seb in broken Italian.

“Yes, yes of course, come with me,” replied the man in heavily accented English.

 

He took them to a table and offered them the menus as they took their seats.

“Grazie,” thanked Seb.

“Grazie,” Mark echoed.

The man nodded and was gone.

Both of them watched him walk away and then looked back at each other.

“You think he recognised who we are?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark nodded. No denying it.

“Do you think he has a problem with us?” Seb worried.

“I'm sure he doesn't, reassured Mark. “This is Italy, they're racing mad. They're bound to recognise drivers.”

“Mm, spose.”

 

They looked over to the far side of the restaurant where a doorway led into the kitchens and the man could be seen conferring with a couple of waiters who not very subtly looked over to where Mark and Sebastian were sat.

Mark tried to deflect Seb's attention.

“I didn't know you spoke Italian?”

Seb pulled his gaze back to Mark.

“Oh, umm, I don't really. Just a few words from when I was at Faenza, you know back when I was at Toro Rosso.”

“Ah right, course.”

“I always wanted to make a bit of an effort, but I wasn't really there long enough to learn properly.”

“Very wise. Teams always appreciate it, especially the guys in the garage,” concurred Mark.

“Mmm,” agreed Sebastian. “I'm sure Porsche appreciate you learning German.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Ah well I think they might realise that's not entirely for their benefit.”

“No but it's good. I'm sure it'll help you,” insisted Sebastian.

 

Mark nodded, not wishing to rebuff Seb's positivity.

“Hope you're right. I think I need all the help I can get.”

Seb reached over and took Mark's hand to give it a squeeze.

“You're not still feeling bad about it all are you?”

Mark shrugged and let out a sigh.

“Ah I don't know. A bit. Not too bad. I know you're right. I've got another chance in a couple of weeks and I guess it's at least good that I wasn't in the car when it crashed.”

“Of _course_ that's good,” emphasised Sebastian, sounding slightly outraged.

Mark turned his hand so he could give Seb's a squeeze back.

“No darling I didn't mean like that. I meant it would look worse, you know to them, if I was the one that binned the race.”

“Oh, well, yes I suppose. It wasn't really Timo's fault either.”

“I know.”

 

Mark puffed out a breath.

“No point worrying about it. We're writing that one off and forgetting it,” he said firmly.

Seb nodded.

“Good. You'll do great in your next race. I'm certain.”

“That's good to know.”

“I'm only sorry I won't be there to see you win,” continued Sebastian resolutely.

Mark laughed and relaxed.

“You sound very sure of yourself.”

“I'm sure of _you_ ,” underlined Sebastian, giving Mark's hand a squeeze again.

Mark simply smiled in reply. He didn't want to think too much about the fact that Seb wouldn't be at his next race as they would be into the next part of the season and on opposite sides of the world by then.

 

One of the waiters finally appeared to have abandoned gossiping with his colleagues and came over to see if they wanted some drinks. He was staring at Mark and Sebastian as if he couldn't believe that they were real and neither one of them could work out if that meant he was star-struck or if he had an issue with them. Despite themselves they had let go of each other's hands as soon as he had approached the table.

 

Sebastian looked over at Mark feeling a little awkward as the man stood silently to their side.

“Umm, so what do you want? You could have a beer?”

Mark studiously ignored the waiter and looked at Seb.

“Ought to be wine as we're in Italy,” he smiled.

“Wine then?”

“You'll just be having water,” predicted Mark.

“Well...” Seb paused. “I could have a glass. I'm not driving tomorrow.”

Mark raised his eyebrows.

“Such reckless behaviour. I might tell Christian,” he teased.

“No you won't.”

“No I won't. Okay, well...”

Mark looked at the menu and had no idea what he was reading.

“House red?” proposed Mark.

Sebastian nodded and asked the waiter for that, plus a jug of water.

 

Mark looked back at the menu as they were left alone.

“Anything on here that isn't entirely composed of carbs and cheese?”

Sebastian laughed and started explaining which options were more healthy. They made their choices and as the waiter returned with their drinks he took their order.

Mark poured Seb and then himself a glass of wine and smiled as Sebastian took the tiniest of sips. He knew Seb was only having it so that he would relax enough to have a proper drink himself. Sebastian smiled back over at Mark.

“Nice.”

Mark tried the wine.

“Very nice.”

Seb knew Mark liked a glass of red occasionally as one of his little indulgences and he wanted him to have a good time tonight.

  


Their food arrived and they ignored the way the waiter had continued to look at them when he brought it over, choosing instead to concentrate on the good food on offer and forgetting about everything else as they ate and chatted about nothing in particular. Mark pretended not to notice that Seb hardly touched his glass of wine and drank the water instead. He only wanted the one glass himself, just to have a taste for a change.

 

“Nice to go out for once,” noted Mark as they finished up their meal.

“Yeah, well like I said, this is for your birthday,” reminded Sebastian.

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“That was nearly a week ago.”

Seb shrugged and snuck a smile at Mark as he moved his leg under the table to rub his ankle against Mark's.

“Oh well, if you don't _want_ to celebrate your birthday...” Seb dead-panned.

He widened his grin and leaned across the table, encouraging Mark to lean in to meet him so that Sebastian could whisper in his ear.

“Because you know it's not really the race weekend yet.”

Mark turned slightly to look at him as he tried to work out exactly what Sebastian was implying. Seb continued smiling and whispered once more.

“I'm not driving tomorrow am I?”

Mark pulled his head back and saw Seb smirking at him.

“Really?”

 

Seb sat back and shrugged.

“Hey if you don't _want_ it to still be your birthday. I mean you're right, it _is_ nearly a week ago now,” he teased.

Mark shook his head.

“Oh no, what are you talking about? A week is nothing. Most birthdays last at least that long,” Mark back-tracked.

Sebastian was giggling at him and actually took a little sip of his wine.

“That's good to know.”

“Mmm. Maybe we should ask for the bill?”

“I'm ready if you are,” agreed Sebastian.

“I was born ready,” joked Mark.

Seb rolled his eyes at Mark's atrocious joke and raised a hand to call the waiter back to take their empty plates and bring the bill so they could pay and leave.

 

The sorted out their money, both grinning to see the little identical photos they had received within twenty-four hours of placing the extra request online, now tucked inside their wallets.

As they saw the waiter return to their table, they both frowned to see that an older man accompanied him.

Seb turned and gave an indication to the little plate with their bill and the money waiting for them.

“Um, Grazie mille,” offered Sebastian carefully, knowing his accent was terrible.

The older man shook his head and replied in English.

“No, your money is no good here.”

Mark felt his hackles rising at the man's words. If he was going to object to their being here, surely he should have done so when they arrived?

Sebastian frowned at the man.

“I'm sorry?”

“Your money is no good. You cannot be paying. I know who you are.”

“Listen mate is there a problem?” challenged Mark, trying to keep his tone even.

The old man glanced at Mark but he was paying more attention to Sebastian.

“This is my restaurant. I cannot have Ferrari driver pay for his meal in my restaurant,” insisted the man.

 

Mark and Sebastian looked at one another, completely thrown by that comment.

“Um, I'm not a Ferrari driver,” pointed out Sebastian awkwardly.

“Ah but you will be. One day you will drive for Ferrari. I know this.”

The man tapped the side of his nose as if it was some kind of special instrument for smelling out the future.

“One day you will be Ferrari pilot and I will say you come here. I cannot let it be that you were not our guest,” he insisted firmly.

 

Sebastian mouth hung half open as he wondered how on earth he was supposed to respond to that. He looked back at Mark who seemed equally astonished and lost for words.

“We can't not pay,” protested Seb.

The man shook his head and looked at the waiter.

“My son.” He nodded indicating the younger man. “He comes and tells me it is you. I think he must be wrong, but I see he is not. I watch you at the race when you win all those years ago. I say he win in the rain like that, he is good driver, he will race for Ferrari one day.”

“2008?” wondered Sebastian. “With Toro Rosso?”

“Yes, Italiano team. Is good. See, you will come back and you will go to Maranello.”

“Oh, umm, thanks. Maybe I guess,” tried Sebastian.

 

Seb looked back over at Mark and shrugged. What could you do?

“You like the food?” enquired the restaurant owner.

“Oh, um, yes thank you very good, grazie.”

“Thank you,” added Mark, finding his voice again.

“You're really sure...? We should pay _something_ , a tip even,” tried Seb.

The man picked up the money and forced it back into Sebastian's hand.

“I will not take it. Please.”

Seb took the money, realising that if he didn't, the man would be offended.

 

“Um, well... thank you. Grazie, grazie mille.”

The man smiled and stood back, seeming finally happy.

Sebastian and Mark exchanged another little look, both acknowledging that there was nothing they could do to resist this outcome. They smiled politely back and nodded, then pulled on jackets ready to go.

The restaurant owner and his son stood waiting and Mark and Seb saw that the other members of staff were lurking in the far corner watching and the now busier restaurant seemed to have ground to a halt as most eyes were on them. They made their way to the exit, followed by the man and his son who insisted on shaking their hands as they left.

  


 

 

Once out on the street Sebastian looked at Mark and shook his head in amazement. Mark shrugged and huffed a laugh.

“Okay, I did say they'd know who you are,” Mark noted.

“Ha! You thought they were going to have a problem with us,” countered Seb.

“Hmm, okay yeah you got me, I did worry for a minute,” conceded Mark. “People surprise you.”

“Yeah I'll say.”

They started to walk down the street to make their way towards their hotel, relieved to be out in the fresh air and away from that rather awkward situation.

“I do feel weird about not paying,” admitted Seb.

“Yeah, well I don't think that fella was about to take no for an answer.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Is it just me, or is our life bizarre sometimes?”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah mate, it definitely is. Ah well. At least this was _good_ bizarre.”

 

He slung his arm around Seb, and Sebastian leaned into him as they walked.

Seb smiled at Mark.

“Guess it's a good job I didn't tell them I turned down a contract with Ferrari last year?”

Mark chuckled.

“Yeah mate definitely.”

Sebastian slipped his arm around Mark's waist and squeezed him.

“Maybe we should play it safe and get room service tomorrow?”

“Whatever you like is fine.”

 

Sebastian drew in a nice lungful of cool evening air. It was dark now, but it still wasn't late.

“Food was nice though,” admitted Seb.

“True. Italy mate, they don't do things by halves do they?”

“Nope,” agreed Seb.

“Wine was good too,” noted Mark.

“Yeah, think it might have gone to my head.”

Mark coughed with laughter.

“I think you _inhaled_ more of mine than you drank of yours.”

Sebastian laughed along with him, knowing Mark was well aware Seb was never really going to drink ahead of a race.

“Not gone to yours has it?” checked Seb.

“Nah, think I'm good mate.”

“Good job Raymond wasn't there to sneak some rum into it.”

“Ha, yeah. You're alright, you won't have to carry me home tonight.”

“Home?”

“Hotel. You know what I mean.”

“I do.”

 

Mark gave Seb a little squeeze and kissed his cheek.

“You know this actually reminds me more of Barcelona than our holiday,” he commented.

“Mm, shame there's no pool on the hotel roof.”

“True, though that's not what I was thinking of,” grinned Mark.

“I have very happy memories of that pool,” asserted Sebastian.

“Me too darling, me too,” Mark agreed, thinking of when they floated far above the world, back when their relationship was a closely guarded secret, their happiness fulfilled in moments stolen alone.

 

Mark leaned in and spoke into Seb's ear.

“How thick do you think our hotel room walls are?”

Seb turned and looked at him.

“ _Mark.”_

Sebastian was immediately trying to think if he knew who was in the adjoining rooms to theirs.

“I'm kidding, I'm kidding,” pacified Mark.

“Hmm.”

Seb narrowed his eyes, but Mark could see there was still a smile in them.

“You know we can be quiet if we need to be,” whispered Mark.

Sebastian felt Mark's breath in his ear and felt a little shiver go down his spine.

“Yeah.”

They needed to get back to their hotel room and fast.

  


  


 

 

  


  


  


 

Sebastian gasped and stopped himself from crying out-loud. He concentrated on Mark's warm eyes above him, staring into them.

“ _Mark.”_

Oh god, Mark; His Mark, together with him like this as they should be, as one, taking his breath away and making him feel everything at once, almost too much, but wanting all of it, all of Mark, always.

Mark had stilled himself, looking at Seb, trying to get his breath back. He knew Sebastian needed a moment to adjust, to settle into things.

“Okay darling?” he managed breathily.

Seb nodded sharply and Mark lowered himself down to kiss him, feeling Seb's hands slide around his body to clutch his shoulders from behind to hold him in close. Mark balanced himself on his elbows so as not to crush him. It was the one conscious action he though he was capable of given that the rest of his brain was taken up with trying to find a way to kiss Sebastian and breathe at the same time, a more difficult task than it ought to be as both of them kept forgetting everything else as they lost themselves in each other.

 

Mark lifted his head to see Sebastian smiling up at him. Definitely all good then. He smiled back and gave him another brief kiss before levering himself up a little. Seb didn't let go, but loosened his grip on Mark's shoulders before moving his legs to lift them to wrap around Mark. He already felt light-headed. Mark had to start moving or Seb thought he would fall right through the mattress, like Alice into the rabbit-hole falling down and down, spinning ever more dizzily.

“Please Mark.”

“Yeah.”

They each needed the relief of movement, of the friction, of feeling more, always more, until the blood jumped in their veins, hearts beating too fast, trying to hold on, to keep this feeling for just one more moment until they could last no longer.

Sebastian bit his lip hard to stop himself moaning out too loudly, but he couldn't be silent, not with Mark, not with all of this, as it overcame him and he had to finally let go.

Mark groaned out and dropped his weight fully into Seb for a moment, resting his cheek by Seb's and trying to claw oxygen back into his lungs. He closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing and the continued feeling of Sebastian clinging on to him so tightly it was as if he never wanted to let go. He felt Sebastian's chest pressing into his and his fuzzy brain remembered that Seb also needed to breathe as they both came back down to earth, so Mark forced his shaky arms to push himself up a little.

“No, don't. Just stay, stay,” pleaded Sebastian, more desperately than he intended.

 

Mark lowered himself back down, but kept his head lifted enough so that it was above Seb's and he could see his face.

“You're okay,” he reassured.

Sebastian looked up into Mark's face and gave a little nod once more.

“You're alright darling, I've got you, it's okay.”

 

Seb took some more deep breaths, not caring that it was made harder with the way Mark was weighing down on him. He didn't want him to move. He could still feel all of Mark like this, feel his body lying into him, feel Mark inside him, feel his arms go to rest circling above his head on the pillow, feel Mark's heart beating alongside his own. It was such an overwhelming feeling of completeness and union, Seb never wanted the moment to end.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and Mark wondered where he had been just now and where Seb had gone again. He lowered his head a little more and stroked his cheek against Sebastian's, gaining a soft sigh in response.

Mark left it as long as he could, but eventually he had to speak.

“I'm sorry sweetheart. I really need to move now.”

Seb reopened his eyes and nodded.

“Okay.”

 

Mark shifted off him, stealing the expected little sigh with a kiss to distract Sebastian. He made sure that they lost as little contact as possible as he rolled off to the side, pulling Seb with him to hold him tight.

Sebastian buried his face in the crook of Mark's neck, not knowing quite why he felt the urge to cling to him so tightly; one hand slipped behind Mark's shoulder, the other across his chest as he now lay partly over him. Mark's arms were nicely around him and Seb kept his hips pressed into Mark's, hooking a leg over to entwine their bodies.

Mark tipped his head round and saw that Sebastian had closed his eyes again.

“You're alright aren't you darling?” checked Mark.

“Mm,” he sighed.

Seb didn't open his eyes.

“Don't let go of me.”

“No darling, I won't. It's okay, I've got you, I've got you. I won't let go,” soothed Mark.

 

Seb nodded against him and Mark gave him a reassuring squeeze and turned his head in to kiss Seb's forehead, then angled it so he could rest his cheek on the top of Sebastian's head.

Sebastian let out a shaky breath and didn't think his brain was capable of analysing why he needed Mark to hold on to him like this, he only knew that he did. Seb kept an arm across Mark to hang on to him even though he could feel how firmly Mark was holding him place.

 

Their breathing was still evening out and neither spoke for a while, Mark understanding without needing to ask that one of Seb's notorious 'five minutes' wasn't going to cut it tonight. He needed more. Seb still didn't know why he did, but it didn't matter, whatever he needed, Mark would give him.

Mark loosened his hold slightly on Sebastian and stroked a hand gently over his skin. Seb sighed to feel it, his mind slowly clearing as he breathed in the smell of Mark against him.

“I love you so much Liebling,” reminded Sebastian quietly.

“I know darling, I love you too.”

 

Mark moved his head again to see that Seb's eyes were open now.

“You okay now sweetheart?” he checked.

Seb nodded.

“I think so.”

“You think so?” teased Mark gently.

Sebastian tipped his head further back to try to see Mark, then shuffled his body up a bit so that he could face Mark whilst still lying into him, Mark turning on his side just a fraction to make things easier.

 

Mark lifted a hand to rest it at the side of Sebastian's face, giving him a soft smile and another little kiss, still making sure that he was keeping Seb held in tight with his other arm.

“I'm okay,” assured Sebastian rather more solidly.

“Good.”

“I don't know what that was.”

Mark gave a slight shake of his head.

“Doesn't matter.”

 

He looked into Sebastian's eyes that were so close to his own and Mark thought that despite how much better Seb was now, there would always be a vulnerability there, a softness that others would want to take advantage of and Mark would always want to protect. He would always want to keep Seb safe, keep him close, make sure he always knew how much he loved him. His Seb.

 

“Five minutes?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian gave a little nod and they rested their heads together, noses alongside, eyes closed, mouths only far enough apart to allow them to breathe, bodies wound together and held tight.

Five minutes, ten, it didn't matter, as long as they needed. Everything else could wait.

  


  


  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone know which picture book I'm referring to in this story?  
> No prize, just the special joy of being right & knowing stuff...


	74. Walls and Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay, I've been working on a few chapters at once that sort of run into one another.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark and Sebastian stood on their own in the lift on the way down to breakfast in the hotel, both still in a good mood from the night before. Seb had slipped his hand into Mark's, the urge to stay connected to him still lingering.

 

Mark shot him a wicked little grin.

“Guess if we see anyone looking funny at us this morning we'll know who are neighbours are.”

“Mark!”

Seb pulled his hand out of Mark's and used it to bat at his arm.

“Oh my god. You're not funny,” protested Sebastian.

Mark was laughing too hard to pay much attention to Sebastian's efforts to look outraged. He put his arm around him and gave him a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek.

“I'm only kidding.”

“You're _not_ funny.”

Mark gave Seb another kiss and tickled his side.

“I'm pretty funny,” he insisted.

Sebastian pulled away and pouted at him, but this only made Mark think Seb was so cute he didn't know how he ever resisted him. Mark kissed the pout away and leaned in to whisper in Seb's ear.

“We were very quiet darling, don't worry, we're fine.”

“Hmm.”

“Besides, I seem to remember it being _your_ idea,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian had no reply to that. It _had_ been his idea and he definitely wasn't complaining, but he did hope that the hotel had reasonably solid walls or he was going to have the most awkward time ever in the garage this weekend.

  


  


The lift door pinged open and they went through to the dining room to get breakfast. Half the team were in there doing likewise. Sebastian couldn't help himself, glancing about to see if anyone was looking at them strangely or whispering about them, but it didn't seem as if they were.

“You've made me paranoid now,” complained Seb.

“Ah come on, I was joking. I'm sorry.”

Mark reached over and put his hand over Seb's to give it a little rub.

“Just my stupid sense of humour, there's nothing to worry about,” reassured Mark.

“Hmmm, okay,” relented Sebastian.

“Okay?”

“Mm. I'm sure you'll think of a way to make it up to me.”

Mark smiled and raised an eyebrow.

“Well I've got all day to think about that, so I'm sure I'll come up with something,” he agreed.

He flickered his eyebrows up suggestively and Sebastian cracked at how ridiculous he looked.

“I might just let you off then.”

“That's a relief,” agreed Mark.

He took a sip of his tea and looked at his watch.

“All set for today?”

“Yeah all good.”

Busy day ahead. As Seb returned to finishing his breakfast he realised that Mark's stupid little joke had totally pushed all concerns about how today would go out of his mind. He gave Mark a smile; maybe not so stupid.

  


  


 

 

  


  


  


By the time Sebastian came back to the motorhome he felt as though he had done two days work in one. For all they had run through things yesterday, it seemed that there was always more to fill the time. He had done any number of short interviews, a few longer ones selected by Britta to cover the markets in different languages. He'd sat through both the official press conference once again as well as a smaller RedBull one, with journalist after journalist asking him what he made of his 'emotional win' at Spa and what his prospects were for this weekend.

Thankfully Seb had emerged largely unscathed from his day, having worked on using Henry’s tips to help himself feel that he remained in control, but managing just to loosen up a little bit about what he would discuss. At least with his win to talk about Sebastian had a positive to focus on, which certainly helped.

 

Seb had also had to fit in time with his engineers preparing for Friday's free practice sessions and made sure he had a good chat with the mechanics and the rest of the guys in the garage. Now he only had one last sit down interview to do and then Seb was pretty much done for the day. He had even managed to prise five minutes from his schedule to spend with Mark just now before he went off for his arranged catch-up with Fernando.

All in all a good day. A busy one, but it had felt productive. Seb remained in a fairly good mood and was pretty relaxed going into this last interview; Britta had given Sebastian the choice of who he wanted to talk to and Seb had been pleased that she had scheduled this one to round the day off.

 

 

  


As he walked into the room set aside to film the interview in, Seb saw Lee chatting with Britta who turned and nodded at him, indicating that everything had been gone over to clarify what they would be discussing. Lee stuck out her hand to shake Sebastian's.

 

“Hi Seb, how's your day going?” greeted Lee.

“It's going okay thanks. Long one,” Seb noted.

“Ah well I always seem to be at the end of the line don't I?”

Seb laughed.

“Last but not least Lee.”

 

Britta stepped in.

“Do you need me to get you a drink or anything?” she asked Seb.

“No I'm good.”

Sebastian held up his bottle to show Britta he already had some water on the go.

“Lee do you want anything? I'm sure we could scour you up a coffee or something?” offered Sebastian.

“No I'm fine. I'm just gonna check we're all set.”

 

Lee went over to the cameraman and left Seb with Britta.

“Okay, so just a general extended background interview with Lee. I've had a word, she knows what's off limits,” explained Britta quietly to Sebastian.

“That's fine.”

Sebastian felt fairly comfortable speaking to Lee who was always a fair and friendly representative of the media. The rest of today's interviews had seemed to all go reasonably well, none of them too in-depth or intrusive and Seb had felt himself unwinding more and more as nothing disastrous had occurred in any of them, despite his residual concerns.

“Then she said there's just a few viewer questions to round it off if that's alright?” checked Britta.

“No problem.”

Lee was back over.

“We ready then?”

“Yep.”

 

Sebastian took one of the cushioned seats and Lee the other one opposite him with the camera positioned to swivel to face whichever was speaking. He placed his water bottle on the little coffee table between them, leaving the top off so he could take a drink as necessary. It was always a useful tool if he needed a moment to think through an answer.

Britta perched on the desk over in the corner of the room and gave Sebastian a nod and a smile, reminding him that she was there if she should be needed at any point. She started to flick though things on her phone, but Seb knew she was still paying attention. He nodded back, then turned his focus to his interviewer; It was Lee, this was going to be fine, nothing to worry about. Didn't that make a nice change?

 

Lee smiled over at Sebastian.

“Okay so did Britta explain? We're just going to keep it a pretty free-form chat and see where we end up with this, and then to close I've got some questions fans have emailed or tweeted in to the BBC.”

“That's fine,” agreed Seb.

“Right, we'll kick off then.”

Lee nodded to the cameraman to commence filming.

  


 

“Seb, very glad that you could find some time to have a little sit down with us ahead of the weekend,” began Lee.

“No problem. It's good to actually get a sit down today,” smiled Sebastian.

“Busy day?”

“Yes there's always a lot of preparation people don't see that goes into making a race weekend not just successful but even possible. The team works incredibly hard to make sure everything runs smoothly. They were here before any of us arrived yesterday and they're here early each morning and long into the night.”

Seb gave a little tip of his head.

“F1's not half as glamorous as it looks on the surface. It's ninety-nine percent hard slog, one percent champagne, and that's if you're very lucky.”

Lee nodded in agreement.

“Speaking of which, you got a little of that champagne at the last race with your very impressive win at Spa.”

“Yes. Thank you.”

 

Seb paused, trying to think how to talk about his race win without getting defensive about everyone saying how 'emotional' he had been.

“I suppose that's what I mean. That win meant a lot to me, a huge amount really. You wouldn't believe how many questions I've had about it today, asking me how I felt and why I reacted the way I did. I guess it's difficult to describe; At the time you're still so high from all the adrenaline of the race that it's hard to really get back into that head-space afterwards.”

Lee was nodding encouragingly and Sebastian had a funny little flashback to his therapy session. He didn't think Lee would suit the beard, but in other ways she wasn't a bad match.

“I guess what I'm trying to explain is that my win in Spa was a pretty big deal because it was so difficult to achieve, it was a tough race and all the way to the chequered flag I thought I could lose it. I really thought Lewis would pip me to the line, so I think a lot of what I was feeling up there was relief. Plus of course perhaps I appreciate wins more these days because they're rather rarer.”

He shot Lee a wry grin.

“It was a great win Seb, and I have to tell you I got so many tweets and messages from fans who really appreciated you showing how much winning meant,” recounted Lee.

 

Seb looked a little surprised. Somehow it seemed strange to think of people discussing him in that way.

“Really? Well that's good to know. Thanks, and thanks to those fans.”

“I'm sure you were glad to share that special moment with the people that are important to you,” suggested Lee.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow and gave Lee a lop-sided grin. He knew precisely what she was referring to, but he wasn't about to discuss kissing Mark at the end of the race. He liked Lee, but that one was as off the table with her as it had been with everyone else who had tried asking about it earlier today. Out of shot Lee simply smiled and gave him a tiny shrug, it hadn't been part of the officially disallowed areas Britta had run through.

Seb smiled calmly.

“Of course, that meant a great deal. To have those who mean everything to you there to be a part of such significant moments, it makes it even more important. When I look back on the good moments in my life, when I'm old and grey...”

Sebastian slid Lee a smile at that notion.

“...I want to be able to remember that the people I care most about were a part of those moments, I want us to remember them together.”

 

“Mark especially?”

“Well my brother's pretty important too, all my family are.”

“But in a different way,” joked Lee.

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“Well I should hope so.”

“Quite,” agreed Lee.

She considered pressing Sebastian a little, but decided against it, knowing that Seb would be happier if he was leading the conversation and they were bound to get a better interview if the subject was happy and comfortable.

 

There was a slight pause and Sebastian found himself automatically filling the silence.

“Of course it was very important to me that Mark was there and that I got a chance to thank him on the podium. I meant what I said; I couldn't do it without his support.”

“He's here again this weekend,” observed Lee.

“Yes of course. We go to as many races as we can to support each other. I was at his race last weekend.”

“That must mean even more travelling for you?”

Seb laughed.

“Yeah, we spend a lot of our lives at airports. Luckily most of the time the F1 and WEC schedules don't overlap so we can manage it okay, but that really only works through the European part of the season.”

“Things get pretty hectic towards the end of the year,” noted Lee.

Seb nodded, looking less happy.

“Yeah, we're all over the place, on opposite sides of the world every other weekend, there's just no way to make that work...” he shrugged. “It's not fun, but what can you do? I'm sure plenty of people out there have to be separated for work so they'll know what it's like.”

He picked his mood back up.

“So I guess we just make the most of the time we have now.”

“Very wise advice at any time,” agreed Lee.

“True.”

 

Lee was surprised how open Sebastian was being. Britta had been very clear that she wasn't to press Seb and she had understood the ground rules. Right now Lee was dying to ask Sebastian if what he had just said meant that he and Mark had been together a year ago and thus had already endured the separation at the close of the racing year. Seb was still being too vague for her to be able to tell how long they had been a couple and she knew he would never answer a direct question on that subject.

 

Seb was busily trying not to think of how difficult things would be for them in November. It was a while off yet. He distracted himself by trying to think of a positive.

“I suppose it's good in its own way that we are reminded to appreciate what we have when we have it. Back when, well I won't say when the wins came easy, because winning is never really easy, even if it looks it, but certainly easi _er_. I did try to appreciate them at the time, but you don't really understand what it means, or at least I don't think I did. I think only when you have the contrast do you truly understand what something really means to you.”

Sebastian hesitated, thinking how true that was in other ways as well.

“I think perhaps that's another reason why the win at Spa got to me a little bit; My life is very different now. In a good way mostly of course, but it's not been the easiest of years,” he confessed.

“I suspect that's putting it mildly,” suggested Lee.

Seb gave a dry little laugh.

“Yeah, true.”

“You've had a challenging time.”

Sebastian couldn't help looking at Lee as if that was a vast understatement. He sighed and shrugged.

 

“How hard has it been, really?” dared Lee.

Seb wondered what to say. He didn't want to be dishonest, but if he really explained how bad things had been at some points this year Seb knew he would be exposing far too much of himself. He thought about what Henry had said about how to handle this; Give a little, but only what feels safe, don't feel pushed into going beyond that.

Deep breath.

“I can't deny it's been less than fun at times. I don't want to sound whiny. I'm an F1 driver, I have the best job in the world, or at least the best job for me. I don't suffer hardships like many do in this world; I have a comfortable lifestyle, I have family and friends and love in my life. I know how fortunate I am. I don't ask anyone to feel sorry for me, but if I am honest, then yes, there's been times this year that things have been pretty rough.

I don't think anyone out there would enjoy waking up to find press blockading their driveway...”

“That was after Monaco?”

“Yes. They were outside our house for a week, though god knows what they thought they were going to see. And coming home from your holiday to find that someone has been spying on you to take pictures of private moments, moments that should be private anyway...”

“That must be upsetting?”

“It's not great.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Worse really is all the stories in the papers, and knowing that your family is going to see them. I'm not gonna lie, that's pretty awful, but it seems there's very little you can do to stop some parts of the media doing whatever they want to do and saying whatever they like about you.”

“I'm sorry.”

 

Lee didn't even know why she said that. It wasn't normal in an interview, but she _was_ sorry. Seb didn't deserve the treatment he had received. No one did.

“The media let themselves down sometimes,” continued Lee.

Sebastian managed a smile.

“Present company excepted of course.”

“Thank you.”

“Like I say, I don't want to whine too much, I'm hardly the first person to be given a rough time in the press and even in the paddock I know that Lewis particularly has had this for a long time. Perhaps it's just that it was a shock for me to experience it.”

 

“You've always been quite private away from the track,” observed Lee.

“Yes that's true. I guess that's what I mean about it being a shock. It's not like we were totally naïve about the reaction we would have at us coming out, Mark and I, but I don't think anything can quite prepare you for the reality.

Don't get me wrong, we've had great support from lots of people, friends, family, the teams we work with, some people who I really had no right to expect support from, the public too and I really am very grateful for that. To be honest I think the media, some of the media anyway, underestimate the public in that respect.”

“Have you had any negative reactions?”

“I'd say it's been overwhelmingly good. You're always going to have a few...”

Seb trailed off, unsure how to describe people he was tempted to call 'arseholes'.

“...people who have different opinions and they're entitled to them. We're not asking for approval from anyone, or any kind of special treatment, we just want to be able to live our lives as we choose and as far as racing is concerned, get on with our jobs.”

“That sounds more than reasonable,” agreed Lee.

“Thank you. It is the twenty-first century after all, you'd hope we could move on.”

 

Lee nodded, taking that as her cue to move on herself. Sebastian had certainly been far more open than she had been expecting so far, but Seb carried on.

“As I say, I think a lot of the fuss is just in the media. I can't think how being gay in this day and age is really such a shock to anyone, but I do appreciate that there is a certain amount of interest in the fact that it is Mark and me... We did know that would be...”

Seb shrugged trying to think of the right word.

“Intriguing, I guess, to people.”

“That's certainly true,” agreed Lee.

“Ah well that's fair enough, we get that, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect there to be a limit.”

“To the press intrusion?

“Mm. I don't know, like I say we do get it. I'm sure from the outside it must have been a big surprise.”

“I have to admit I never saw it coming,” confessed Lee.

“No, well, once upon a time I would have felt the same way,” laughed Sebastian.

 

He regarded Lee a little more seriously, but made sure he kept his tone light.

“I know that our relationship is never going to make sense to some people, but it really doesn't have to make sense to anyone except us. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt, but it's the truth.”

He shook his head, knowing he would never be able to properly explain how things where between him and Mark, how far they had come to be this way and why.

 

“You've said before how competing alters how you are with people.”

“Mm, yeah, well you don't have to look very far in the paddock to see examples of that,” noted Seb.

“Mercedes for starters,” offered Lee.

“I'm sure there's plenty of examples, I get on well with Dan, but the circumstances are rather different. Perhaps it's the pressure of racing for a championship?”

“And you had that for several years in a row,” Lee observed.

“Mm, so I suppose that was bound to make things more extreme, but as I've said before, once Mark left F1, everything changed.”

Lee raised an eyebrow.

“Everything?”

“Well, not all at once, but it certainly has now.”

“And how are things now?”

 

Sebastian wondered quite what Lee meant by that. How were things with Mark? Amazing. Completely wonderfully normal. More than he could ever have dreamed?

“Things are good,” offered Seb.

“It's nice to see you seem so happy.”

Lee didn't add 'for once'. She had seen Sebastian clearly unhappy far too often this year.

“Yeah, we are happy. I've never been so happy,” Sebastian confessed.

 

He couldn't give more than that. How could you explain how one person had so dramatically changed your life? How Seb's entire existence now revolved around one person. How Mark made him happier than he knew was possible. How simply seeing Mark smile at him made Seb feel like the most important person in the world. How when Mark kissed him it felt as if that entire world stopped, and when they were in bed together he was happiest of all. How incredible sex with Mark was and how it was completely unlike anything he had known before. Last night for example...

A soft smile snuck onto Seb's lips and he had to draw himself back to the interview. Boundaries, _boundaries_ , Sebastian reminded himself, knowing he was in danger of over-relaxing with Lee and that a camera was filming his every movement.

 

“Mark's my best friend. He's my rock.”

Lee almost shook her head to hear such an admission. It really was extraordinary, but Seb so clearly _was_ happy. It was infectious. Lee smiled warmly at him.

“That's great to hear. That must help a lot when things aren't so easy.”

“Yes without doubt. Even if things have been difficult at times, I wouldn't turn things back, not for one hundredth of a second.”

 

Lee grinned.

“A very F1 phrase.”

“Ha, yeah, well I am a racer. Some things don't change.”

“A little birdy told me that some things do. I heard you moved in together.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh at Lee making such a gossipy comment, but it wasn't a matter he felt too uptight at confirming.

“Well yes we did that officially not so long ago, but if I'm honest that's a rather blurrier line than you might imagine.”

“Oh really?” smiled Lee, enjoying the way that Seb was joining in when she had half expected a vague rebuff to that.

Seb shrugged.

“Life isn't always black and white. F1 maybe, but not real life. It's usually far more complicated. In my experience, anyway.”

He could have told her that during the last twenty months he'd spent the majority of his time living at what used to be Mark's and was now most definitely _their_ house. It was hard enough to explain to his family, it would never make sense to others without revealing _why_ Seb had yo-yo'd back and forth over that time.

 

“When you say 'complicated' do you mean anything in particular?” wondered Lee.

“Hm? Oh no, just life in general,” answered Seb vaguely.

“I'd imagine combining your lives when you are both in the same profession has both upsides and downsides,” suggested Lee.

“Mm, yes I suppose so. It does mean that we both understand the slightly mad life that racing requires and how committed to it you have to be. So I guess that's good.”

“And downsides?”

Sebastian thought for a minute before answering, taking a sip of water to cover himself.

“I guess that you're only too well aware of how precarious this profession can be; You understand the pressures that are on a driver, which is both good and bad. It's good because you can try to support the other without them needing to explain things, but bad in that you end up feeling that pressure too.”

“You understand the importance of good results?”

“Yeah, so every race you watch becomes more serious. There's no way you can watch your other half race and just enjoy the race on its own terms. It simply doesn't work that way.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I guess only now do I realise what I was putting my parents though all these years. I appreciate now what I never could before; When it's someone you love that you're watching race, it changes your perspective completely...”

Seb shook his head as he thought about how appropriate it was that Mark competed in Endurance racing. It took endurance from Seb to watch.

“...it's totally different from when you are the person in the car.”

“You get nervous?”

Seb huffed a dry laugh.

“Nervous doesn't cover it. It's terrifying, even if you know you're worrying unnecessarily. I know how good a driver Mark is, but it's hard to be rational at that point.”

 

Lee was trying not to look as taken aback as she actually was to hear Sebastian disclose so much. Britta had suggested to her that he might be will to open up a bit about his personal life, but Lee hadn't expected anything like this. She almost forgot that the camera was filming and wanted Sebastian to continue telling her more.

 

“Does it have any affect on the way you drive, knowing that?”

“Hmm?”

“Knowing how Mark, or indeed your family, will be worrying about you, does that change the way you approach racing now?”

“Oh, no. I've no doubt this will make me sound inconsiderate or even heartless when I know how it is to be on the other side now, but I've not changed the way the way I approach racing. I guess racing drivers have to be very selfish in that respect.”

He gave a little tip of his head.

“Hopefully only while we're racing and not through the rest of our lives, but you simply cannot afford to be thinking of anything other than yourself in the car and concentrating on what you need to do in the race. I think if you did, it would actually make you a _less_ safe driver, so it would be counter-productive. I have to drive in exactly the same way I always have.

You have to have absolute belief in yourself and what you are doing. Drivers are a pretty ego-centric bunch. We all think we're the best driver on the grid, even if you're not at the front a driver will doubtless think that is just because they're not in a good enough car. Now that can go too far of course, it can make people reckless, but from my viewpoint, my racing is based on the experience I have built up over the years; I might push the limits occasionally, but I don't make moves I don't consider to be achievable.

But the things is, you _have_ to drive with absolute confidence. It's the only way to do it if you are going to try and overtake someone on a bend at 100 miles per hour, if you don't have complete belief in your ability to do so, then you wouldn't be able to do it. Then you really would become a danger, not just to yourself but every other driver around you.”

“So you don't ever feel fear when you're racing?” enquired Lee.

 

Sebastian took another sip of his drink, wanting to think through a considered answer.

He knew what true fear was. Genuine paralysing terror that was capable of completely shutting his body down. Fear manipulated until it took over his life and left Seb emotionally crippled and unable to stop it controlling and nearly destroying him. Fear that lurked as a nebulous anxiety long after the immediate threat had gone. Fear Seb had thought would never leave him and was only now beginning to ebb away. Those feelings bore no relation to what Seb felt when he was racing. For too long being inside the cockpit had actually been the safest place for Sebastian, it was _outside_ of the car that he had felt in danger.

There was no way he could explain that to anyone beyond Mark and perhaps Henry. Sebastian would never be able to share the truth with the world. He pushed thoughts of that away and contemplated what reply he could give to Lee; Honest, but within safe limits.

 

“Not fear as such. Not real fear. You couldn't race if you were truly afraid, you'd never get off the starting line. You do get nerves sometimes, maybe some people would call that fear, but you simply can't think of it that way if you're going to race. I guess as racing drivers it's ingrained in us that we think of racing in certain ways. Maybe it's a coping mechanism that we don't acknowledge; You might allow that you have nerves, but mostly you think in terms of the thrill, of the rush, of all the adrenaline in your system. What they call the flight or fight reflex.”

Sebastian looked across to see that Lee was following him and check that hopefully he wasn't gabbling complete rubbish. She nodded encouraging, so he carried on.

“Well I guess as racers we turn that into the fight on the track, the battle with the driver next to you, or the car itself as you wrestle it through a high speed corner or dare to leave it a few extra metres before braking. I think the exhilaration we feel when that succeeds is about conquering that challenge and maybe even a bit of relief too.

Racing drivers aren't stupid, even if we might do a good impression sometimes. We understand the risks we run in our profession. It's far _far_ less than it used to be in the bad old days of course, but it's never going to leave the sport entirely. It's the way you deal with that.”

 

Lee was continuing to nod along, fascinated to hear such an honest dissection of the mind-set of a driver.

“I certainly don't think anyone could consider you stupid Seb,” observed Lee.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Well thanks.”

“Can I ask how you do deal with it?”

Lee wasn't going to refer to Sebastian having seen a psychologist, that was off-limits, but she did wonder if his careful analysis owed something to that.

Sebastian puffed a breath and frowned slightly.

“I guess you don't really think about it. I suspect that remains as true as it ever was back in the days of people like Niki Lauda who raced in the dark days of the 1970's. If you do think of it at all, it's really only with regard to safety, in GPDA meetings perhaps or if there are changes to circuits or the cars. You don't think of it as something to worry about though. Cars and tracks and all the equipment we use have improved so much and they're always working to make them better. All cars have to go through crash-tests before you can even get in them and as a driver you have to pass tests to prove that you can extract yourself from the car within a requisite few seconds.”

“Can you explain that for those who might not know what that means?” requested Lee.

“Oh, well basically you sit in the car and you're timed to see how fast you can undo your seatbelts and jump out. You have to be able to do it within a certain time limit to pass.”

“In case there's an accident?”

“Yeah. It's drilled into you what you should do; How to brace for impact to minimise the chance of injury, how to get out, how to switch off the engine, how to safely jump out if there are ERS issues and there is danger of electrocution.”

Seb gave Lee a smile, trying not to let things get too solemn.

“That's what that it is if you see a driver doing what looks like a comedy leap from his car, but it's potentially quite dangerous, so you take all of that very seriously. Everyone in the team does. Safety is a paramount consideration in every garage. So anyway, I could go on, but basically you park all that knowledge in your head and essentially forget it again until you need it so you can properly concentrate on racing. Then if anything happens you know it's all there ready to be called on and you are so well trained in it you can simply act on automatic pilot.”

“That's fascinating to hear,” acknowledged Lee.

“Yeah, it's not something we talk about very much.” Seb huffed a laugh. “Guess we don't want to jinx ourselves.”

“It's actually very reassuring to hear such a considered logical approach.”

“Ah well, I wouldn't want to give you too good an impression, as I say, all logic goes out of the window when you are watching someone _else_ racing.”

“It's not a comfort?”

“You know it ought to be, but logic really isn't your friend at that point. I'm a nervous wreck from the minute Mark gets in the car until he gets out again. Maybe love just isn't rational?”

 

Lee had to stop herself from saying 'wow'. She kept her smile professional and continued.

“Guess not. I have to admit it is interesting to hear you talk about Mark.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Maybe I'm only going to be encouraging people's strange fascination with our relationship?”

“I suspect as you say, we do find it intriguing.”

“Yeah. Ah well...”

Seb laughed.

“You know I think perhaps if people only knew how boring we really are as a couple they might lose interest.”

“I wonder how pleased Mark will be to hear himself called boring?” joked Lee.

“Ha, no not him. I don't mean that. I mean our lives away from races; We're really very ordinary. We live in a quiet part of the countryside where I don't think anyone thinks we're anything extraordinary. We do normal unexciting things like walking the dogs through muddy fields, go out training, cook dinner, do the washing up, watch TV. We're the same as anyone else. It's just that we have rather unusual jobs.”

Lee was smiling to hear such a description of Mark and Sebastian's mundane domestic life together. It all sounded rather endearing to her. She could just picture them out walking the dogs, although the idea of the two of them standing in the kitchen doing the washing up was rather harder to imagine somehow.

 

Out of the corner of her eye Lee could see Britta giving her a look and she realised how long they were running on.

“Well I could listen to you talk for far longer Seb, but I know you have a lot to do ahead of tomorrow, so perhaps we'd better move on to our viewer questions?”

“Righto. Fire away Lee,” agreed Sebastian.

“Okay then. So these are just a few of the many questions we picked out from all the ones our viewers kindly tweeted and emailed in. First up we have Katherine aged eight, who asks: Do you have any pets?”

 

Sebastian smiled to the camera.

“Hello Katherine aged eight. Are you the next Toro Rosso driver?”

Lee laughed at his joke and to the side Seb could see Britta shaking her head, but she was smiling, so he knew he hadn't been too naughty with that little in-house reference.

“Okay, sorry, your question. Yes we have two dogs; Shadow and Simba. Shadow is a Weimaraner, and Simba is a Rhodesian Ridgeback, so they're both quite big, but they're very friendly. I suppose technically speaking they're Mark's or they were anyway, and I've adopted them, or more accurately, they've adopted me. Anyway, they're great, I love them to bits. They always make me feel better if I've had a bad day and it's good to get outdoors to give them their walks, even if the weather isn't always so nice.”

“So you're a happy little family then?”

“Yeah definitely,” laughed Seb, thinking how Mark and even he these days spoke to the dogs as if they might answer back. Best not to mention that here.

 

“Okay, next one: Bobblehead472 asks: You won your first race in the wet and your latest one. Do you prefer driving in the rain?”

“Bobblehead472? Did your parents not like you?” grinned Seb to camera, before drawing himself back.

“Sorry, okay, what was the question? Umm, that's an interesting point. I guess there's a particular challenge to driving in wet conditions and there's satisfaction in winning when it is most difficult, but do I enjoy getting soaked? Well no, not so much. Good question Bobblehead, if that is your real name,” teased Sebastian.

 

“I'm pretty sure that's just his Twitter handle,” noted Lee.

“Ah, well I'm not on Twitter, so you'll have to excuse my ignorance,” Sebastian mitigated.

“Sure. Okay, Mikey wants to know; Do you hang out with any other drivers when you're not racing?”

Seb laughed and raised an eyebrow.

“You mean apart from the obvious? Well yeah, I spend some time with Lewis and Dan a bit away from the track. I still see Jenson too seeing as he's Mark's team-mate now, so that's good.”

“Perhaps you should introduce your dogs to Lewis' dogs?” joked Lee.

“Ha, maybe we should.”

“You could have a doggy play-date?”

“Erm, maybe. I don't think Lewis is back in the UK all that often, but I'll have to run that one by him.”

A doggy play-date? Sebastian stopped himself from rolling his eyes at the idea. Mark would piss himself laughing at that suggestion. Whatever next?

 

“Rumblestrip44's question is; Did you move to the UK because you like our music and TV so much?”

“Ha, you got me, that was it. Some great names today,” smiled Sebastian.

“You got that exclusive here,” noted Lee with a little smile to camera.

 

“Paul from Cleckheaton wants to know; Who is the favourite team-mate you've had?”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Oof I can't answer that one can I? I have to say Mark or I'll be in trouble... Although not so much at the time, but anyway, yeah I'm just digging a hole here. Dan is great as a team-mate right now, let's just leave it at that shall we?”

“Probably best I suspect,” agreed Lee.

 

“Alright then. Finally, we have Penelope Pitstop who has a question I know has been the subject of much debate amongst fans; Can you tell us what your new tattoo is and if it means something?”

Sebastian smiled, wondering at the things fans were obsessed with about people they had never met. He thought about what Henry had said about opening up more without giving away what you truly want to keep private.

“Another fine name there. Well I think enough people must have seen it now...”

Seb turned his wrist that was already exposed in the Redbull team t-shirt that he was wearing and showed the little tattoo to the camera. He knew it had been picked up in enough shots before now that it was hardly a secret.

“It's a fish, but no, I think I'm just going to have to leave you to carry on guessing there, sorry,” apologised Sebastian, sounding not terribly apologetic at all.

“Always leave them wanting more,” agreed Lee. “And so on that note, we'll close. This really has been fascinating Seb. I'd like to thank you for giving us such full and frank insights today.”

“No problem, it's been good to talk to you.”

  


And oddly enough, Seb realised it had been.

“Good luck this weekend.”

“Thank you.

 

  


  


  


  


  


  


Mark sat with Fernando, waiting for their coffees to be brought over.

“Grazie.”

Mark turned and saw his drink being deposited on the table to his side.

“Thank you, umm, grazie.”

He really needed to improve his language skills, but it had taken quite a lot for him to pick up enough German to get by in, adding more wasn't really on the cards for Mark right now. Some people seemed to find it easier than others; Seb lived most of his life in a foreign language, so did Fernando. Perhaps being born with English as your mother tongue meant you didn't try so hard?

 

Fernando sipped his drink and smiled over at him.

“How are things with you then?”

“Good mate, you?”

“Si, not so bad. Sebastian is okay too?” asked Fernando politely.

“Yeah he's good too thanks.”

Fernando nodded and smiled.

“What?” frowned Mark, seeing that his friend wasn't saying something.

“No, is good, I am glad to hear this.”

“But?”

“But nothing. I confess I assume things must be well seeing as you are here,” explained Fernando.

“Yeah, I'm sorry. I know I've cancelled on you too often,” Mark apologised.

Fernando crinkled his nose and gave a little shake of his head.

“No is fine. I understand. You have had difficult times, of course Sebastian is your priority. Is how it should be.”

Mark gave a little agreeing shrug.

“Yeah, and we had his brother with us last time as well. He's just a kid so I couldn't leave him on his own.”

“Of course. Is fine Mark, I say I understand and I do. I am just glad that things are, how you say, looking up?”

“Yeah mate they are for once I think. Certainly compared to how things have been.”

 

Fernando nodded, he knew he only had the barest understanding of what his friend had been through. Sometimes all he had got was a grim nod from Mark as he passed with Seb in the paddock and an exchange of brief texts. Fernando never pressed Mark for more, instead offering whatever he could think of as support.

Mark warmed his smile.

“At least I won't be asking you to babysit Seb this weekend.”

Fernando put down his coffee and stared at Mark.

“Babysit?”

“Ah, sorry that's what Seb calls it when I've asked you to stick with him a bit, you know in briefings and stuff.”

Fernando laughed and raised his eyebrows at Mark. He shook his head.

“Oh. I do not think I ever babysit. I do what is decent as a human being and as your friend of course.”

“Well I do appreciate it, as does Seb, I'm not sure what he's said, I know it's a bit awkward with you two.”

Fernando gave a shrug.

“He has spoken to me, but I do not require thanks.”

“Well I want to say thanks anyway.”

Fernando nodded acceptance.

 

They both sipped their drinks for a moment.

“He had a good race in Spa. I watch it back. That move on Felipe, it reminded me of you and I that time,” noted Fernando.

“Ha, yeah, long time ago. Yes it was a great race, he really deserved that one. I'm surprised you watched it over.”

Mark gave Fernando a sympathetic look.

“That move Maldonado made was idiotic. You must have been fuming?”

Fernando puffed a breath.

“I put it behind me. You are right, he is an idiot, but...” he shrugged, “we forget it and move on.”

Fernando looked at Mark.

“I think you must do the same. You do not seem so upset at your own race.”

Mark sighed.

“Yeah, doing my best to forget it.”

He shrugged and huffed a little laugh.

“This feels like a familiar conversation; You and I sharing our race woes.”

“Mm, too many times my friend,” agreed Fernando.

Mark gave an acknowledging tip of his head.

“Some things don't change.”

 

“Ah, some things do, I think. Only two years ago here, things were very different,” recalled Fernando.

Two years ago the three of them had shared a podium here at Monza. Seb had won the race, Fernando and Mark finishing second and third. But Mark couldn't recall that without thinking how he and Fernando had childishly blanked Sebastian and cruelly tried to spoil the moment of his victory. Looking back all Mark could see was how petty and unkind that had been and how Seb had hidden how much it really hurt to be treated that way.

Mark shook his head sadly.

“To be honest mate I can't even stand to think of back then. It makes me feel awful. Seb was having such a tough time and I had no idea. I hate thinking about how badly I treated him. I never once tried to see things from his point of view, or find out if there was a reason he was the way he was.”

Fernando watched as Mark stared down unhappily at his coffee and felt bad for him.

 

“Heikki?” ventured Fernando.

He knew enough from all the stories and the little that Mark had confirmed to presume what Mark was referring to.

“Mm, yeah,” agreed Mark grimly.

“I've never hated anyone before. I never hated Seb, nothing close, even when we fell out back then it was never hate, but _him;_ he's...”

Mark sighed.

“I can't even explain. I don't understand how anyone could be that way, how anyone could do those things...”

He looked at Fernando and shook his head. Mark knew he could never fully explain it and his friend would never press him. All Mark had ever done was drop a few hints about what a bad person Heikki was and confirm some of the things that had come out over the past few months.

“You said he spread those rumours?”

“Mm.”

“No one would believe such things. Is ridiculous,” confirmed Fernando.

“Well that's over with I think.”

“Yes? That is good then.”

“Yeah, I just... I don't know, I wish I could go back in time and change things,” Mark admitted.

If only he could go back and have found a way to stop Heikki, found a way to help Seb sooner. Even if they'd only been friends then, that would have been something, a lot really. Mark thought he would do anything to be able to turn back time and find a way to prevent Sebastian from going through all he had.

 

Fernando read Mark's pensive expression.

“You cannot think like that Mark. Is not like you, hmm? We are F1 drivers, we only look forward,” encouraged Fernando.

Mark managed a smile.

“Not an F1 driver any more mate,” he pointed out.

Fernando reflected his smile.

“Ah, of course, I forget, but I think forgetting is for the best sometimes, hmm?”

“Yeah mate.”

“So we forget. It does no good to remember some things,” Fernando asserted.

“Yeah, yeah you're right. I know you are. It's just not always easy.”

“Si, I understand. But you should not feel guilty. I think you do a lot for Sebastian.”

“He does plenty for me too,” noted Mark.

“I am not sure I wish to know,” jested Fernando.

Mark laughed and flicked his eyebrows teasingly.

“A gentlemen never tells.”

 

Mark gave a little shake of his head, feeling in a better humour as he thought of Sebastian making such effort to cheer him up after his disappointment in the race.

“I mean I'd still be in one of my trademark grumps after last weekend if it wasn't for Seb.”

“That is good. Perhaps I should not ask how it is he makes you happy?” grinned Fernando.

Mark gave another laugh. There was that, but he wasn't about to say so.

“He got me some very nice birthday presents since you ask.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah a very cool new bike. Impressive little number. Might even give you a run for your money on that,” suggested Mark.

“Ha, I think not.”

“Ah well, maybe. Yeah and some other little things...”

A softer smile crept over Mark's face as he recalled Seb's thoughtful gifts and he gave a little shrug.

“They'd really only make sense to us. You'd probably think them silly.”

 

Fernando nodded and didn't push him. Once upon a time it had been him and Mark that had private little jokes and things that wouldn't make sense to outsiders. He was the outsider now.

“That sounds nice.”

“Thank you for your card, that was very kind of you,” Mark offered.

“De nada.”

“No it was. Especially after I totally forgot yours.”

“Is no problem.”

Fernando knew his birthday fell during a time when Mark's attention had been focussed on Sebastian. A missed card really didn't matter to him. He tried to think of a positive topic of conversation.

  


“You are all settled now, with the move?”

“Hmm?”

“Sebastian. You say he moves in with you during the break?” clarified Fernando.

“Oh. Yeah. Well there wasn't all that much to move to be honest. Like I said before, we pretty much were living together anyway,” Mark admitted. “It was just a practical thing; no point having two places if we were only ever in one.”

Fernando laughed.

“That is not very romantic of you.”

Mark shrugged.

“Maybe not, but then we're never going to be a particularly traditional couple, are we?”

“Perhaps not.”

Mark looked over at his friend, wondering what he was thinking.

“Is it strange for you to think of us living together?”

Fernando gave a gallic shrug. It was and it wasn't.

“I suppose to some people it would seem that we've moved fast with everything,” Mark offered.

“No I do not think so. Besides you already live together last year.”

“Mm, well that wasn't like this, but yeah. To be honest as soon as we got together I was already wanting Seb to move back in. I knew it was a bit soon, but...”

Mark shrugged.

“Things have always been pretty intense between us.”

Fernando nodded. He could think of times when their relationship had been intense for different reasons when they were rivals, but he wasn't about to mention that again.

Fernando reflected that he had actually seen relatively little of Mark and Sebastian together as a couple. He caught glimpses of them in the paddock holding hands or pressed into one another, Mark's arm over Seb's shoulder, Sebastian's arm around Mark's waist. The body language always looked comfortable, as if they fitted naturally.

 

“If it feels right, it is right I am sure. It makes no difference what other people think. You do what is right for you. Now Sebastian has moved in, you are settled?”

“We are settled, since you ask,” agreed Mark. “Very settled. We're done now.”

“Done?”

“Yes, done; We're happy. We have all we need in each other. We just need a bit of peace and quiet to appreciate it.”

“No more drama.”

“Exactly.”

Fernando raised his coffee cup in a 'cheers' motion and Mark lifted his in turn and clinked them together.

“To no more drama. For myself I get to finish a race without some fool driving into me, and for you, some peace.”

“Peace and quiet mate, that's all we really want,” affirmed Mark.

“Then I hope you get it.”

“Me too mate, me too. Maybe I'll get what I want for once?”

“You deserve to. Sebastian too I think.”

“Thanks. I hope you get what you want as well.”

“Gracias my friend.”

“A bit of peace and I might actually have time to remember things like sending you your birthday card,” admitted Mark.

Fernando laughed.

“I will settle for a Christmas card.”

“Very good mate. I'll get right on it,” proposed Mark.

 

 

 

  


 

  


  


 

  


Sebastian looked for Mark in RedBull's hospitality area but finding no sign he headed on up to his room and found him there.

“Hey. How did you get on?” enquired Mark as Seb walked in.

Sebastian went to sit next to him on the bed and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah good I think.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. Did you have a nice chat with Fernando?” asked Seb, changing the subject.

“Fine. Good to get a catch up. What do you mean you _think_ the interview went okay?” pressed Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know. It felt okay at the time, but...”

“But?”

“I don't know. It was a bit of a weird conversation really. We ended up talking about all kinds of things,” Seb recounted.

Mark frowned slightly, knowing how Sebastian had been worried about allowing a more open approach to his interviews today. He didn't want Seb feeling pressured either by RedBull's PR team or by the media.

 

“What kind of things?” Mark wondered.

“Hm, just... What it's like watching you race...”

“Me? She was asking about me?”

“No, not really. I think I ended up getting into that,” Sebastian admitted.

“Oh, okay, so she wasn't pushing?”

“No, it was pretty vague, she just sort of let me run on.”

“Ah, I see.”

“What?”

“This was Lee, right?” checked Mark.

“Yeah.”

Seb frowned, wondering what Mark's point was.

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“She's a smart girl Lee. I think she knows you pretty well. You're far more likely to open up if she's just friendly and lets you feel like you're having a cosy chat,” explained Mark.

“Oh. You don't think she was tricking me?” worried Sebastian.

That didn't seem like Lee to him, but now he was wondering if he had fallen for an obvious approach without realising.

 

Mark put his arm around Sebastian seeing his disquiet.

“No darling, not tricking, just making sure you felt comfortable. Far better than trying to bully you into talking about things.”

“Right.”

Seb was still frowning and Mark wanted to brush those furrows away, even if Sebastian did look cute like that.

“Do you think I'll have said too much then?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well I wasn't there was I? If it felt right at the time, then I'm sure you're fine. You should trust your first instincts. Tell you what, why don't you tell me what you remember saying?”

“Okay then,” Seb agreed.

  


 

He ran through as much as he could recall from the interview, making Mark laugh as he repeated the viewer questions.

“So what you're saying is you prefer Dan to me?” teased Mark.

“ _No._ No course not,” defended Seb.

He looked anxiously at Mark, but then relaxed as he saw Mark grinning at him and realised that he was winding him up.

“It all sounds fine Seb. I don't think you've said anything wrong there,” Mark assured.

“You're sure?”

“All rather deep for me. Not sure I've ever analysed how I feel when I drive; I just rev the engine and go.”

Seb smiled and shook his head.

“No you don't, you're far too intelligent for that,” countered Sebastian.

“Well, maybe. Anyway, it all sounds fine. It's just a rather different approach to an interview. I think that's why you feel a bit weird about it. There's nothing to worry about. Britta was there right?” checked Mark.

“Hm? Oh, yeah.”

“So if there was anything iffy she'd have leapt right in wouldn't she?”

 

That was a good point realised Sebastian. Britta would never have let him get into trouble. Mark was always so good at finding the right way to settle his mind.

“Yeah of course. You're right. And you don't mind me talking about us a bit?” checked Seb.

“It's fine. Britta wanted you to relax and talk about your life. If you're going to do that, you're bound to end up talking about us aren't you?”

“You are my life,” stated Seb.

“Wow. You are in profound mood today,” smiled Mark.

Seb pouted at Mark not taking him seriously.

“I mean it.”

 

Mark gave him a squeeze and a kiss.

“I know darling, me too. Look don't worry about the interview. I'm sure Britta will check it over before giving them the all-clear and I don't think Lee was out to get you, I think she just wanted a more interesting interview than the usual PR soundbites drivers give her, so she let you say whatever you wanted.”

“Okay then,” accepted Sebastian, feeling far better. “You're alright I confirmed that we're living together?”

“I'm pretty sure plenty of folk know by now. It's no biggie,” Mark affirmed.

 

He gave Sebastian a reassuring smile, then looked at him carefully.

“I don't like to think of you worrying about me when I'm racing.”

Seb shrugged.

“You worry about me.”

“Yeah mate,” Mark sighed. “Guess we're stuck with that one.”

“Yeah,” Seb concurred.

 

Mark didn't want Seb to be worrying about anything, so he picked his tone up.

“It sounds like an interesting interview, I'll have to keep my eyes open and see if I can watch it when it's on,” he suggested.

“I just jabbered on about random stuff. I'm sure I'll sound stupid.”

“Nonsense. I'm looking forward to hearing you discussing sending our poor dogs on dates with Lewis's.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and ended up laughing along with Mark.

  


He finally properly relaxed and dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder as Seb's busy day caught up with him. They sat quietly for a minute or two before Sebastian turned his head to look at Mark.

“You know Liebling, when I was talking, I said our life at home is boring, but the thing is, everything I described; Walking the dogs, going for our runs or bike rides, just hanging out around the house... That's pretty much my perfect day. I love to be home.”

Mark smiled warmly back at Seb.

“I love to be at home too sweetheart. Nothing better,” he confirmed.

Seb rested his head back down and let out a happy sigh. The lovely warm feeling of pressing into Mark, his arm around him, holding him in. It always made Seb happy.

“Just like this, curled up on the sofa with you, just like this Liebling.”

Mark smiled and kissed Seb's temple.

“Perfect,” he agreed.

  


They sat this way for another moment, then Mark gave his arm a little rub.

“Come on, let's get going.”

“Head back to the hotel?”

“Yeah. I've been thinking over what I can do to make it up to you for my silly joke this morning.”

Mark grinned and raised a teasing eyebrow. Seb lifted his head and sat up properly.

“Oh really?”

“Mm.”

“We're staying in tonight?”

“If you want to.”

“I'm pretty sure I do.”

“I thought you might.”

  


  


They got up and collected their things to head off.

“Night in then,” agreed Sebastian.

“I'm sure I can make it worth your while,” Mark grinned.

“You always do Liebling.”

  


  


  



	75. Ticking Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next part of the weekend...

 

* * *

 

 

 

They arrived at the track early on Friday morning they were surprised to find just how busy it was despite the fact it was barely seven am. Fans congregated around the entrance to the paddock and as they approached, Sebastian gave Mark a look.

“Italy mate,” offered Mark by way of explanation.

Sebastian shrugged.

“At least they have nice weather if they're going to be waiting around.”

He looked at his watch. Britta would be waiting to run through things and he wanted to make sure he had plenty of time with the team before first practice. Seb was just wondering whether the fans were waiting for anyone in particular when one or two shouted his name. He looked over to Mark.

“I can spare five minutes right?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

Seb nodded and went over to the group while Mark hung back and watched on as Sebastian set to work; signing autographs and posing for pictures. He smiled as he saw Seb crouching down to be in a photograph with a little boy who couldn't have been more than six years old and appeared stunned that a world champion was talking to him.

Five minutes later Seb apologised to the group which seemed to be growing and told them he had to go or he would be late. As they went through the security gates into the paddock Mark smiled at Seb and shook his head.

“They seemed keen.”

“Mm,” agreed Seb. “Good job we're early.”

“Tifosi are always pretty dedicated,” Mark noted, thinking that 'slightly mad' was also a good term for them.

“They weren't all Italian actually.”

“No?”

“No, couple of Germans, some Brits, I think they're waiting to pounce on Lewis. The girl on the end was Japanese.”

“Blimey she's come a long way,” laughed Mark.

“Yeah well I think the Japanese fans are even more dedicated than the Italians.”

“Tough competition,” joked Mark.

He smiled warmly at Seb.

“You're very good with them. That little kid looked thrilled.”

Seb scrunched his nose.

“Bless him he couldn't say anything back. I even tried speaking in Italian to him. Guess he was shy.”

“I think you just made his weekend.”

Seb shrugged.

“Ah well, that used to be me; Looking through gaps in fences, hanging around desperately trying to get a driver's autograph... Half the time they just ignored me.”

Mark pulled a sad face.

“Poor little Seb, how could they? I bet you were adorable,” he teased.

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Ah shut up.”

He tried elbowing Mark, but Mark dodged out of the way, still grinning at Seb thinking he was just as adorable now.

 

 

As the walked further down the paddock Seb looked at Mark.

“You know I'm sure they'd have liked your autograph too.”

Mark gave a shake of his head.

“Nah, you're the F1 driver, I'm just a spectator.”

Mark hadn't wanted to take anything away from Sebastian's moment in the sun. It was nice to see him getting a little positive attention for once.

 

Sebastian took his arm and leaned in.

“You're far more than that,” he insisted.

Mark gave him a sideways look.

“Only to you mate,” Mark dismissed.

“Psh, you're too modest,” protested Sebastian.

Mark grinned back.

“Can't be an F1 driver then.”

“Hey!”

Seb was trying to look offended, but failing utterly as he ended up laughing along with Mark. They were within sight of the motorhome now. Time to stop mucking about and make a start on what was bound to be another busy day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the Saturday morning it felt as though they were starting to fall into a little routine; getting to the track early, allowing a few extra minutes to give some time to the devoted race fans who Mark joked must be camping at that spot by the gates. Seb even managed to persuade Mark to join him with them and just as he had predicted, they were as keen to get Mark's signature as they were Sebastian's.

While he let Sebastian get on with his work, Mark busied himself with coffee and reading his book, saying hello to people around the place, making sure he was in his spot at the back of the garage only for when Seb needed him. Having had to help look after Seb's family at recent races meant that it was a relief to only have to take care of himself and Sebastian could relax in the knowledge that Mark was alright on his own and never commented on the amount of time he spent waiting around.

 

 

 

Half-way through free practice three Mark was stood at the rear of the garage watching on TV as he saw before the commentators did that Sebastian slowing on screen and moving out of the way while Felipe Massa shot by going into the long straight out of Ascari. Mark frowned, wondering why Seb had backed out of what was meant to be a flying lap, when his voice came over the radio.

“Yeah, something doesn't feel too good.”

His engineer came on, telling Seb that there was nothing unusual on the telemetry, but called him in anyway. Sebastian brought the car into the pits and the team leapt into action to pull the car back into the garage to give it the once-over.

Mark stayed out of the way while Sebastian sat in the car consulting the information screen that was lowered in front of him to study where he was losing out. He was flying on the straights but not as good as Daniel in the bends. Mark couldn't hear what his engineer was saying as he leant into the car to speak with Sebastian, but whatever it was they seemed to have agreed something. The mechanics gave the front end a tweak and sent him back out as they were quickly running out of time to test their set-up before the short session was over.

 

 

By the end of the hour Seb climbed out of the car and frowned over at Mark as he pulled his helmet off. Only sixth. That wasn't good enough when Daniel was several spots higher. Mark gave him a tiny shrug and a smile as Seb went to talk with the engineers and the mechanics whipped off the bodywork on the chassis to investigate any potential issues.

 

It was a good twenty minutes before Sebastian could come over to talk to Mark.

“Sorry,” Seb apologised.

Mark shook his head.

“Everything okay?”

“Hmm, not sure. Something just feels off.”

He glanced over his shoulder at the guys working on the car.

“I think I'll just have a word, then we can get some lunch. Okay?”

“Course.”

Sebastian went back over and bobbed down next to his mechanics and spoke to them for a few moments before returning.

“Okay we can go now. I want to come back early if that's alright?”

“Of course it is,” Mark confirmed.

 

 

 

They walked out into the busy paddock and back to the motorhome for Seb to grab a quick shower and change so he could feel fresh for his lunch-break. He sat back down by Mark on the bed.

“Better?” asked Mark.

“Mm, yeah.”

“The guys will be all over your car with a fine tooth-comb mate, you'll be right for quali.”

Sebastian leaned back on his arms and puffed out a breath.

“Maybe it's just in my head, but it feels like we've been slipping back each session.”

“The times are pretty close,” excused Mark.

Seb gave him a critical look; It didn't matter if times were close, you had to be at the top of those times.

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“I think the problem is we've been tweaking and tweaking and I think we've been making it worse and worse.”

Mark nodded. He knew how easy it was for that to happen.

“So do you think you should revert to Friday's settings?”

Seb nodded.

“I think so. I'm not sure the upgrades are working in real life as they did in the wind-tunnel.

“How it goes sometimes,” agreed Mark. “Monza's always a funny one, all those long straights.”

Seb nodded.

“The straights feel good, it's the corners. The car's just not responding... Usually it's the other way around. Maybe we've over-compensated for this race.”

“Perhaps you need a bit more rear-wing?”

 

Sebastian smiled, thinking how good it was to have someone who really understood such things.

“Yeah maybe. You okay if we have a quick-ish lunch and then I can get back to go over it?”

“Sure. Practice is just practice, it's quali that counts,” asserted Mark.

“Mm, I know. It's just, Dan...”

Mark interrupted, knowing that Daniel was faster today and your team-mate was always your first comparison.

“Forget Dan, just think about you. You've got a different driving style, it's no surprise if the car responds differently.”

Seb nodded. That was a good point.

“Okay, lunch then.”

At least that was straight-forward. Mark could order for them and Seb could just sit back and forget everything for half an hour to let his brain unscramble after an hour of adjusting brake-bias settings and half a dozen other things whilst driving at 200 miles an hour and talking to his team on the radio at the same time without running into any of the other cars around him.

Maybe Mark could update him on the plot of the book he was reading and take Seb's mind off things? So far Sebastian was convinced that it was the seemingly shy accountant who was the murderer, but Mark reckoned it was the photographer.

 

 

 

They sat eating their food while Mark was doing as requested and recounting the chapter he had read whilst Seb was busy in the garage first thing this morning.

“Another woman's gone missing, so I think is pretty obvious what's happened to her and no one saw the photographer in the square all the next day.”

“So he's missing too?”

“I reckon he's busy chopping the missing woman into little bits.”

Sebastian coughed with laughter and lowered his fork.

“Lovely talk for lunchtime.”

“Sorry.”

Mark glanced a round.

“You know if anyone overheard us, they'd think something very dodgy was going on.”

Sebastian laughed harder.

“ _F1 driver in horrific murder scandal.”_

Mark laughed along. It didn't take much for some less scrupulous reporters to overtax their imaginations.

“Anyway,” continued Seb. “I don't think it's the photographer. I think he's dead too and that's why he's missing.”

“Oh really?”

“Mm.”

Seb took another mouthful of food.

“Yeah. I think he saw something he shouldn't have done. Maybe in a photo he took, and the murderer guessed.”

“Plot twist, I like it,” smiled Mark. “Maybe I'll spend quali reading to find out.”

Sebastian gave him an unimpressed look and Mark rolled his eyes at how easy Seb was to wind up.

“As if I won't be watching you?”

“Yeah okay,” relented Seb.

 

 

 

 

 

They finished their lunch and returned to the garage where Mark hung back once more as Sebastian discussed his options and the mechanics explained how they had double-checked everything and were content that the car was as well set as it could be.

 

Christian was stood talking to Sebastian.

“If you're convinced Friday was better, we'll go with that, but Dan's happier today.”

“Forgive me Christian, but I don't really care about Daniel. I need it to work for me,” insisted Seb.

Christian nodded calmly. This was a more assertive Sebastian than he had seen in a long while. Nothing wrong with that of course. As a four-time world champion, he respected Seb's judgement.

“Quite. Okay then, we'll work on the downforce elements and you'll have to keep feeding back through the early sessions.”

“Will do,” agreed Sebastian.

Neither of them noticed the way they were working on the assumption that Seb would make Q3 almost as a matter of right.

 

 

Before he had to get in the car, Seb and Mark snuck out to the back of the garage where they always stood. Sebastian was sure that the team had worked out their habit by now and deliberately avoided the area to give them space these days.

Mark gave him a firm hug and a good luck kiss.

“You've got this.”

“I'm going in a bit blind.”

“You'll be fine. Just put a banker in early and get a feel for the car. You really only have to worry about the times in Q3.”

“As long as I get through to Q3.”

“You will,” affirmed Mark.

Seb took a deep breath and nodded. He would. He had no choice. He'd just have to find a way.

“Right okay, gotta go.”

He pushed up on his toes and gave Mark a quick kiss and put his arms around Mark's neck to steal another hug.

 

As they walked back through Mark leaned in.

“If I get to the bit where I find out whodunnit shall I ask them to radio it through?”

Sebastian burst out laughing, and shook his head at Mark's silly joke.

“Maybe I should listen to an audio-book of it in the car?”

Mark chuckled.

“I dare you to suggest that to the engineers?”

Seb grinned back. He suspected they wouldn't find the idea as amusing as they did. One or two members of the team were looking over, wondering what was so funny, and Sebastian was reminded it was time to get serious. Mark gave him a firm nod that told Seb of his confidence in him and he walked away.

 

 

 

Mark looked up at the television screens as he arranged his headphones and pulled them on to listen to what was being said. DC was on-screen talking to his fellow Scots: Allan McNish and Lee McKenzie as they stood in the pitlane.

“So Lee, you got an interesting interview with Sebastian the other day?” prompted David.

“Mm, yes, very interesting. I have to admit I can't remember having quite such an in-depth one like that before. Lewis can be quite open if he's in the mood, but, well perhaps we should let the viewers see?”

“I admit I found it fascinating,” agreed Allan.

“Okay then, before we get to Suzi and Eddie over at Williams, let's take a look.”

 

The screen cut to show Sebastian sat with Lee from the other day and Mark glanced over to see Seb now engrossed in his preparations and was glad that Seb hadn't noticed this was on when he didn't need the distraction.

 

 

As the interview played out Mark was smiling, thinking that Sebastian had undersold it when he recounted what had been covered. Seb was so smart. Mark thought few people realised how impressive he really was. Sebastian was playing down how tough this year was and he hadn't even mentioned the year before. Even admitting as much he had was actually a lot for Sebastian and Mark understood why he concentrated on finding whatever positives he could to talk about. There was no point complaining too much, but maybe, just maybe, Seb telling people that it did in fact hurt to suffer such media intrusion, might make them think twice the next time they picked up a paper and read a story about him.

On-screen Seb was now talking about him and Mark reflected that it was a very strange experience to hear yourself discussed publicly like this. His ears pricked up as Mark heard Sebastian call him his rock. Wow. Seb had missed out telling him he had said that. Mark turned away from the screen and looked over at Sebastian, still working away.

His _rock._ That was a lot to proclaim to the world. Mark felt suddenly proud. Sebastian sounded so solid when he had said that, as if it was an immoveable fact, which of course it was. No wonder Seb had felt strange afterwards at sharing so much, but Mark had no problem with him doing so. Oddly it felt as though Seb saying that in English was less personal that if he had said it in German. When Seb called him 'Mein Fels' it was far more intimate, as if it came straight from the heart and was just for them.

Mark fought the urge to go over and give Sebastian another hug. He didn't care that it was in front of everyone, but Seb would probably think it pretty strange. Mark re-focussed on the interview and listened as Seb talked about how hard it was to watch Mark race and how he worried.

 _Me too mate, me too,_ thought Mark.

Seb was talking about whether he was afraid of the risks inherent in racing. Mark found himself nodding along in agreement. It wasn't something anyone usually talked about. Seb was so brave. No one but Mark knew just how brave he really was.

 

Mark smiled at hearing Seb talking about their 'boring' life. Seb was right; their boring life at home was perfect. Lewis could keep his private jets and Hollywood parties with rappers. Muddy dogs and curling up together on the sofa won out every time.

He hid a laugh as Sebastian ran through the final viewer questions. Mark bet Helmut wouldn't find Seb's little dig at the age of Toro Rosso drivers quite so funny. He smiled to himself, thinking how he was going to tease Sebastian again about doggy play-dates. Maybe they should invite Lewis over the next time he was in England though? They hardly ever had visitors, it might be nice. Usually they were just too happy to be on their own. It made them pretty unsociable. Now they were settled perhaps they could do something about that?

 

The interview rounded up and Mark nodded in approval at the screen again. Seb had assured him that he hadn't revealed the secret behind their tattoos. No one needed to know that other than them. Mark resolved to tell Seb after quali that the interview had been on and he hadn't gone too far at all and how well he had come across. The coverage had cut back to show the BBC presenters who Mark guessed were currently stood just a few doors up along the pitlane although he couldn't see them in real life from where he stood.

DC had been joined by Suzi who apparently had ditched Eddie to be on his own. Mark couldn't blame her.

“I thought that was a great interview Lee,” offered Suzi.

“Thanks. Yes Seb was in philosophical mood, but he was on great form when I spoke to him.”

“He still seems in a good place after his win,” Suzi noted.

“No doubt,” agreed Lee. “Although as someone who sees all the drivers after each session, I've got to tell you that Sebastian is always very good with the media, whether he's had a positive weekend or not, and the same cannot be said for all of them.”

David huffed a laugh.

“Not every driver gets it. As I've always said; We drive for fun and get paid for the rest. Seb has always been one of the more intelligent drivers on the grid, it's no real surprise to see him giving such thoughtful responses. He expressed very well what I suspect a lot of us drivers might think, but probably not describe half as well.”

“It's good to see Sebastian opening up a bit,” agreed Suzi.

David nodded.

“I think that's our fault as the media, rather than his. The amount of press attention they've had this year would put anyone off. Hopefully now the initial over-excitement at the revelation of Seb and Mark's relationship is over, I should hope he's allowed to go back to just doing his job, which after all is why Sebastian is here.”

“That's a good point. Let's hope so,” concurred Suzi.

 

Mark nodded. He hoped it wasn't over-estimating the maturity of the media that they might actually do so.

 

“Well, it's getting towards that time,” continued David. “And speaking of Sebastian it looks as though he's ready to go.”

The television cut to show Sebastian sat in his car and Mark was annoyed with himself for getting so caught up with the programme that he hadn't even noticed him climb in. The presenters must be closer than he thought to be able to see him and only out of sight for Mark because he was so far towards the back of the garage.

It was silly to be concerned with such things, but Mark always wanted to catch Sebastian's eye one last time before he went out. Mark shook his head to himself. It didn't matter. Seb had this, didn't he? He was always good at qualifying. All those pole positions he'd pulled out of the bag time after time. Maybe that was unrealistic given how far ahead Mercedes sat, but Mark knew he would do his best.

He huffed a little laugh, thinking about how Seb had just been recalling on TV how nervous he got watching Mark race and now it was him suffering. Mark wasn't sure whether qualifying wasn't worse. Maybe not in terms of the threat from other cars on track. The battle here was against the clock, but it was just as much on the edge and Mark had a whole hour to get through. Perhaps he really should read his book instead? Sit in Seb's room with the TV off and pretend it wasn't happening?

Mark smiled to himself. As if.

 

 

 

Sebastian wondered what Mark had been watching to keep him so engrossed he hadn't noticed when Seb looked over. He put it out of his mind. Mark was supporting him just as much even if he hadn't been looking over at him at the right moment. He had to concentrate on his plan; Don't worry about setting times that lit up the screen, just do enough to make the cut and learn as much as you can along the way, rely on your team and go through the standard routine of slow laps leading into a flyer, listening to the feedback to know if it was enough, going again to try to improve, taking care to ensure he was in the right part of the track at the right time, coming back into the pits for another quick run-through with the engineers, then back out for the next part.

 

 

 

Mark puffed a breath seeing Seb squeak through into Q2 and then marginally better into Q3. He listened on the radio, hearing the rapid back and forth and almost wished he hadn't been listening as he heard Seb report that the car still felt 'a bit twitchy'. Not what he needed on the fastest track of the entire year. You couldn't read the speed from the television, not even in the fabulous helicopter shots that were currently following Lewis on a hot lap that looked set to blow the rest of the field away. That Mercedes looked positively planted on the asphalt. Mark wondered what Seb could do if only he was in that car. No doubt he'd be well on his way to a sixth world championship.

He sighed to himself. Each to his time. RedBull had dominated for a spell. Now it was Mercedes. It was just the way things went. As long as Seb could get a decent result, that would be okay.

 

 

Sebastian came back in to switch onto fresh tyres for one last go. He looked at Lewis' time on the screen in front of him and winced. He was miles off; only sitting in an embarrassing eighth place. As he got the signal to go out and slot onto track in the adjudged perfect position, Seb thought _'fuck it'._ He essentially had nothing to lose. He'd been careful on his banker lap. Maybe too careful. He was just going to put his foot down, pray to the racing gods and see what came of it.

 

Mark watched Seb do his out-lap and felt all the muscles in his body tense up as he rounded Parabolica and sped into the start-finish straight only yards away from where Mark stood. The FOM camera shot cut to show the chequered flag being readied and Mark was distracted for a moment as he watched to see if the Mercedes cars were going to get in under the wire. The track was improving with every lap and the times tumbling as driver after driver pushed towards their final effort. Mark pulled a face as he watched Lewis get by and Nico only _just_ make it behind him with milliseconds to spare. Mark shook his head at the high-risk game of chicken they were playing.

The camera wasn't even showing Sebastian and Mark listened anxiously on the radio for any indication of how he was doing.

 

Sebastian danced the car around the chicane and felt how much oversteer he still had as the car's back end slid out. Thank god there were fewer corners on this track. If he was at Monaco he'd be screwed right now. He put his foot down and his confidence improved as he took the far smoother Curva Grande and went on his way.

Just hang on, hang on, put your foot down and keep it on the black stuff.

 

 

The television cut from showing Bottas crossing the line to take temporary pole to show Sebastian flinging his car around the Lesmo's. Mark felt his shoulders hunching up and balled his hands tight. He couldn't even look at Britta who had come to stand by his side. This was too tense. Seb was setting great sector times, but it was on the limit. Any second it seemed Sebastian's car might overcook one of the bends and bin the entire last chance lap.

 

Sebastian held the car into the in-out-in sweeps of Ascari. He knew he'd just put two wheels over the line, but the track was bone dry and he pulled it back, flicking down the gears in the bends before shooting back up as he hammered the throttle along the straight to reach the highest speed the car would doubtless reach all year; 180, 220, 250, 300, the speed rattled up until Sebastian could barely feel there was a track beneath him at all and he topped out at 352 kilometres per hour. He knew the Mercedes was capable of more, but he couldn't worry about them, Seb could only control himself.

Or so he thought.

Reaching the abrupt curve of Parabolica at the end of the straight, Seb's car didn't slow enough; It didn't want to turn, then turned too much and Sebastian hung on for dear life to the steering wheel, desperately trying to stop the two wheels over the white line becoming four and potentially cancelling out his all his efforts. Somehow the car recovered and straightened back up on track, letting Seb put his foot down again as flung the car over the line.

 

By the time he got on the radio Sebastian was out of breath and didn't even take in the fact that his engineer had just told him he had taken provisional pole.

 

 

 

In the garage Mark was feeling equally breathless. That had been _too_ close. He pulled himself together and managed a smile for an equally nervous looking Britta stood next to him. Was it a wild idea that Seb could hold that lead time? Was it too much to hope that Mercedes might have made a mistake?

Seconds later he had his answer; Not only had Mercedes judged it correctly in leaving things to very last moment, but Felipe Massa beat Sebastian's time as well, having taken a firmer line around the last corner. Then like buses, the Mercedes came one after another, flying past the finish line. All Sebastian's efforts weren't enough to stop him being knocked down to fourth as Lewis held pole for a heartbeat until Nico snatched it away. The thrilled crowd cheering each man over the line, clearly enjoying the close run session.

On the coverage they were playing out Rosberg's jubilant cries as his engineer informed him he had beaten his team-mate by five thousandths of a second. You couldn't even say that time quicker than it was. Crazy stuff. Mark took a settling breath. Seb was never going to match that no matter how hard he tried. Even Massa was half a second down. That Mercedes engine was a beast.

Seb had done brilliantly, much better than was realistically expected and he'd beaten Dan into fifth. Great stuff. Mark could tell him that in a minute. He pulled off his headphones and stopped paying attention to the television that was showing the celebrations in the Mercedes garage. Yet another front row lock out. No wonder they were pleased.

Mark puffed out a relieved breath as Britta smiled at him and he placed his hand over his heart; it was pounding like jack-hammer.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian pulled up in Parc Ferme and took a deep breath, unsure how he had managed to breathe on his flying lap at all. The car simply wasn't as good as the Mercedes, but he had pushed it to its limit. He wanted to get back to the garage and go over the data with the engineers to see if they thought he had made the correct call going into qualifying. Fourth though. That wasn't too bad. Definitely could have been worse.

 

Back in the garage Seb still held on to his helmet as he gave a rapid-fire feedback to his team, knowing he only had a few minutes before Britta would lead him off to face the pen. He wanted to recall everything that he could while it was fresh, then they could do this properly afterwards. Sebastian glanced over and got an approving nod and smile from Mark and a mimed tap on the wrist from Britta, telling him time was ticking on and they needed to get going.

He went over and Mark gave him a tight hug, forgetting their usual rule of not doing this where cameras might be watching. Seb relaxed into Mark's hold, thinking _'fuck it'_ , about worrying over this too. Let them show him getting a hug, they'd seen plenty more than that before now.

 

Mark released him and gave him a relieved smile.

“Bloody hell mate, you had me going there,” he exclaimed.

Seb smiled back.

“Me too if I'm honest. It got a little hairy on the bends,” he admitted.

Mark laughed.

“Hairy? Jesus, at this rate I'm not going to have any hair left. That was brilliant, well done.”

Sebastian laughed back, always happier with his result when Mark praised him.

“Yes well done Seb,” added Britta. “Right, come on then. We can walk and talk or we'll be late.”

“Okay. Mark, we're gonna be a while debriefing on this one...”

Mark nodded.

“No problem. I'll clear out, go stick my nose in my book.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian thought _'fuck it'_ once again and put a hand on Mark's arm to reach up to give him a kiss on the cheek. Mark deserved a kiss for getting through watching that. Seb knew Mark would have been far more scared than he had been during that last lap.

“See you later then.”

“See you later.”

 

Seb let himself be led away by Britta and Mark gathered his things to head back. He caught the eye of one of the mechanics tidying up and the man smirked at him. _'Fuck it',_ thought Mark. He'd known these guys too long to be embarrassed; They weren't children, everyone knew things between him and Seb went rather further than an innocent hug and kiss on the cheek. They could take the piss all they liked, Mark didn't care. He grinned nonchalantly back at the mechanic and gave Christian a little wave as he saw him outside the garage being pounced on by the Sky presenting team. Time to get out of here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark lay back on Sebastian's bed and switched on the TV. He'd considered hanging about in hospitality but he'd only end up getting another coffee and he had more than enough caffeine in his system. The top three driver conference was playing out and Mark watched Nico not doing a very good job of hiding how much he was enjoying gloating about getting one over on Lewis for once. Mark sipped his water and thought how happy he was not to have to take part in those things any more.

The programme cut to the pen and a few drivers ran through their pre-arranged sound-bites about achieving the most they could today and focussing ahead on tomorrow. Mark was just thinking about picking up his book when Sebastian came on screen and he sat up.

 

“Sebastian, was fourth the best you could hope for today?”

Seb smiled.

“We always hope for pole. No matter how realistic it is.”

“Ah well, realistically then?”

Sebastian looked a little more serious.

“To be honest I think I should have been able to get third today. The Mercs were untouchable with their straight-line speed here, but I lost time on the final corner, without that...”

He shrugged. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. The timing screen told no lies.

“Are you disappointed then?”

“Hm, a bit. Perhaps disappointed is the wrong word. I feel I could have gone better, but then unless you're on pole, I guess that's always the case.”

He glanced at Britta. She didn't look too unhappy at his more honest approach continuing from the other day. Seb gave a smile to the reporter.

“Quali is over, we look to the race now.”

“And what are your hopes for the race then?”

Sebastian grinned.

“Same as always; To win.”

Relenting, he continued.

“But realistically, we had decent enough race pace on our long runs through Friday. It may come down to tyre deg in the later stages depending on how warm it is.”

“We're hoping for another fine day like this tomorrow,” offered the interviewer.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Are you? Personally I think I'd like another downpour and a repeat of Spa, but we take what we're given and try to make the best of things.”

 

Mark chuckled as Seb walked away. He wondered whether the team might not regret encouraging Sebastian to be more honest and open with the media. He wasn't sure they really got how dry some of Seb's little jokes were. They always made him laugh. Whether everyone else appreciated them Mark wasn't so sure.

He flicked the television off, not caring about what anyone else had to say and picked up his book to settle in for the duration.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian continued on around the pen, trying to find new ways to say essentially the same thing over and over, if only for his own sanity. As he reached the Italian media huddle he repeated his variations on answers to the same questions. Speaking with one of the reporters he was more familiar with, Sebastian chatted on a little bit.

“Are you enjoying being in Italy?” asked the reporter.

“Of course. It's beautiful here and of course Monza is a classic track. All the drivers I think love the chance to see what their car can do here,” replied Seb.

“You seemed to be having a few issues out there today.”

“Mm, well that's what happens when you push things to the edge; sometimes you run over that edge,” Seb admitted.

Antonio laughed.

“But not too far.”

“No, hopefully not.”

“The crowd appreciated it I think.”

“Hmm?” frowned Sebastian.

“The crowd. I suppose you could not hear them cheering?” suggested Antonio.

“Oh. No. I was too busy concentrating on trying to keep the car on the track at the end there,” admitted Seb. “The crowd is always great here though. It's always nice to see that mass of red in the stands enjoying the show.”

Seb paused again and let himself say what was in his mind.

“They cheered?”

He didn't admit that he had been unsure of his reception here in Italy, not wanting to think that he might find more prejudice in a traditionally Catholic country, but Seb remembered the boos he had once received here for no more reason than winning races.

The reporter nodded.

“Of course. It was an exciting session. They cheer all the drivers they see drive with...”

Antonio paused, trying to think of the right word.

“ _Fire._ Hm? You drive with fire today, they appreciate that.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Not actual fire thankfully, but well, thanks, that's good to know. I'm not so sure they always felt that way about me.”

Antonio shrugged.

“Times change. Once they boo Lewis, last year they cheer his win. Then they boo Nico and today they cheer him across the line. The Tifosi I think can be fickle,” he conceded.

“Ah well, they're very keen, there are hordes of them at the gate each morning. I'm sure they're there for all the drivers.”

“No doubt, but I think as I say, they like to see how you drive lately, to see you come back.”

He saw the way that Seb was frowning and tried to explain.

“You struggle, but you come back up and you win again. Last race they see how much it means to you. For us Italians, we love to see that; We wear our hearts on our sleeves as you say and the world always knows how we feel. _Appassionata_. Like the music.”

 

Sebastian tried to process that. Driving is like music? That was a new one on him, but he could see what Antonio meant about the Italian character.

“Well, that's good to know I guess. Thank you, Grazie. E grazie tutti quei Tifosi.”

The reporter laughed and nodded as his cameraman switched off.

“Did I get that right?” checked Seb.

“Good enough, keep practising.”

Sebastian laughed and gave a tip of the head.

“Only way to get better at anything.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb walked in to find Mark lying on his bed with his book over his face. He laughed silently as he shut the door quietly and sat down on the bed facing Mark before plucking the book from over him. Mark opened his eyes and rubbed his face as he sat up slightly, wondering just how long he had been waiting for Seb to come back from his debrief meeting.

“Tired Liebling?”

“Hm? Oh. No, just resting my eyes,” excused Mark.

Sebastian smiled and leant in to give him a kiss.

 

Mark sat up properly.

“Are we done then?”

Seb pulled a face.

“Sorry, we're just taking a break. I think we're going to be late working on things with the boys tonight.”

Mark frowned at him.

“Still problems? You did great in quali.”

“It's just... I don't know, I ragged out that result. Don't think I can do that over fifty-three laps, my arms will fall off hanging on to the steering wheel.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Fair point. Wouldn't want that. Didn't the changes make it better?”

“Better, just...” Seb sighed. “She's just not talking to me.”

 

Mark smiled at the way Seb referred to his cars. He chubbed Sebastian's cheek with a knuckle.

“Can't have that can we? Do you think you can persuade her to stop giving you the cold-shoulder?”

Sebastian gave him a half smile back, knowing Mark was teasing him as usual.

“You think I should send her flowers?”

Mark huffed a laugh and Seb shrugged before answering more seriously.

“You know there's not a huge amount we can really do overnight without being able to touch the car, but we've been going over all the data, seeing what setting changes might help, if there's anything we can do to improve the handling.”

Mark nodded, knowing what Seb meant. Sebastian always worked hard. There was only so much you could do, but it was important to feel that you had tried everything so that you went into the race with as much confidence as you could muster.

“Then that's what you'll do. They're smart guys Seb, you're a smart guy. You'll work it out.”

Seb smiled properly in reply.

“Thank you. Could be a couple of hours though, so if you want to go back to the hotel?”

Mark shook his head.

“You could call Alonso, see if he's free?” offered Sebastian.

Mark shook his head again. If Seb was staying, he was staying.

“I'm fine here,” he insisted.

 

Mark almost considered offering to go along to see if he could offer any suggestions to help. He ought to understand what was being discussed given all his years of experience, but the cars of today were different to the ones he had driven in F1 and besides which it wasn’t his place. His place was to offer what encouragement he could and then sit and wait, or lie down and wait as he had been doing just now.

“You got to go back then?” asked Mark.

“Twenty minute break to clear our heads,” explained Sebastian.

“Ah right. Want to grab some food?”

“They're getting some in. I just wanted to see you.”

“And here I am,” teased Mark.

He leant in a little closer and moved his head to brush his nose against Seb's, one way then the other before kissing him. As he pulled back, Sebastian sighed, wishing this was all he had to do tonight.

“Will you get some food downstairs?” Sebastian enquired.

“Guess so. Do you want to go chill out for a bit, get a drink?”

“Think I'll crash here. Is that okay?”

“Course.”

 

Mark picked up the book and dumped it on the little table, then pulled Sebastian to lie down squashed onto the narrow bed together, smiling as Seb stretched out like a cat by his side then slipped his arms around Mark's neck and shuffled closer as Mark wrapped his arms around Seb's back and pulled him over to let Sebastian rest his head down on Mark's chest. Sebastian closed his eyes and let out a long exhale, then reopened his eyes knowing he didn't have long.

“Close your eyes darling. It'll be alright. I'll keep an eye on the time,” vowed Mark, wanting to ensure Seb took the chance to rest.

“Mm, just five minutes.”

“Ten.”

“Tell me what's happened in the story?” requested Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“Okay. I might really send you to sleep then.”

Seb smiled back, grateful for the diversions Mark always provided.

“Will you wake me up?”

“Of course. Just relax and close your eyes. I've got you.”

 

Sebastian let out a sigh. It had already been such a long day and they had a way to go yet. It would be dark before they left the track tonight. He closed his eyes and listened as Mark started updating him on the chapters he had read in his absence.

 

 

 

“The investigator realised that he was running out of time, so he broke into the photographer’s flat and found he wasn't the first person to have done so, and, well I think that was when I drifted off,” confessed Mark.

He looked down and realised he wasn't the only one to have drifted off. Seb's eyes were closed and his mouth was slightly open as his chest rose and fell steadily against him. Mark raised a hand from where it rested on Seb's waist and stroked his hair. He was exhausted poor thing. They usually tried to make sure they got an early night before a race, but Seb wouldn't want to leave it to his engineers to do all the work on their own and abandoning his preparations would do Sebastian no good either. Mark checked his watch: It was time.

“Wake up sweetheart.”

Sebastian snuffled against him and Mark huffed a laugh at how adorable he was. Mark wanted to let him sleep, to at least give him a little more rest, but the team would be waiting on him.

“Come on Seb, wake up now,” coaxed Mark. “Wake up darling.”

He ran a finger down Seb's nose and Sebastian finally opened his eyes and turned his head to look up at Mark, blinking as he took in his surroundings and remembered where he was. Seb sat up and ran his hands through his hair, trying to stimulate his brain a bit.

“I fell asleep.”

Mark sat up by him.

“Mm, I must have a very boring voice.”

“Soothing,” countered Sebastian.

“Ah well that's nice. Shall I walk down with you? Are you working in the garage?”

“Mm? Oh, yeah... Yes we're in the garage,” answered Seb, his tired mind still coming back to life.

 

 

 

They walked through the now deserted paddock, Mark's arm around Sebastian as Seb breathed in the now cool air, letting the oxygen filter into his brain to properly wake himself up.

“We'll go straight home after this,” promised Seb.

“Home?”

“Hotel.”

Oh dear, he was still sleepy. Seb wondered whether coffee was a good or a bad idea. He'd probably end up with a headache. Best not.

“Course,” agreed Mark. “We can go straight to bed. See if we can't still get an early night.”

Seb turned his head and smiled up at him.

“An actual early night as opposed to an _early night?”_ he teased, thinking of all the variations on that theme they usually managed.

Mark raised his eyebrow.

“Your call darling, your race weekend.”

“An actual early night I think. I'm knackered, think I could sleep forever.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“That's fine. We'll do that then.”

 

They reached the garage and a part of Mark still wanted to go in with Seb, but he knew that wasn't how it worked.

“I'll try not to be too long,” offered Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“Take as long as you need. Make sure you're all set for tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian reached up and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek, thinking how great he was. Seb couldn't wait to crawl into bed with him as soon as possible.

 

Mark gave him a nod and Seb went to go into the garage as Mark headed back to the motorhome for yet more waiting. Seb paused in the doorway and turned to watch Mark walk away in the dwindling light, that familiar long confident stride; he'd recognise it anywhere. Sebastian shook his head and drew in another breath of fresh cool evening air. Time was ticking. Back to work then.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This really is the first part of another two-part chapter although all this bit is wrapped up in one. Next bit to come soon(ish) so let me know that you're all caught up again...
> 
> :)


	76. Response

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  And so on to race day...

 

* * *

 

 

 

They arrived at the track on Sunday morning having allowed themselves the tiniest of lie-ins given the later start on race days compared to the rest of the weekend. The crowds arriving were huge, far bigger than through the rest of their time here and Seb had to discipline himself to only give a couple of minutes to the group by the gate before apologising and dashing into the paddock.

A girl had shoved a gift into his hand and Sebastian was carrying it as they walked along.

“What's that?” asked Mark.

“Hm?”

Seb looked at it, but it was covered in wrapping paper.

“Oh, dunno. Seemed rude to refuse it.”

 

 

 

Up in his room Seb sorted out his belongings and then finally feeling settled, sat down on the bed next to Mark. He wanted a moment before he got going again seeing as they'd had to rush around their hotel room packing their bags to make sure that they had everything ready to go into the car so they could go straight to the airport after the race. Maybe they should have got up a few minutes earlier, but Sebastian hadn't wanted to. It wasn't that he was tired, they'd got of plenty sleep seeing as they'd gone to bed as soon as they got in last night, it was just that he was too comfortable and too happy where he was to move. Mark always teased him that he slept like the dead, but Seb knew that was usually because he was so deep-down content to be where he was.

It might have been sensible to have got up sooner, but sometimes life was too short for being sensible. Ah well, Sebastian thought, that was the pay-off; You couldn't add more minutes to the day, you could only prioritise how you spent them. Seb couldn't think of a higher priority than lying wrapped in Mark's arms, safe and warm in bed.

 

Mark gave him a smile and picked up the little box that Sebastian had put on the table to the side. He gave it a shake.

“Wonder what it is then?”

“Hey don't shake it, someone wanted me to have that,” protested Seb.

Mark hid a smile and looked at it more carefully. He pretended to read a label and frown.

“What's this? _'Dear Lewis, you're my hero...'_ Think she got you two confused mate.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and took the box back from him to pull the wrapping off, more out of curiosity than anything else.

 

“Ha. _Chocolates_. See, aren't you glad I stopped you rattling it? You'd have spoiled them,” chided Sebastian.

“Hmm, could be poisoned,” warned Mark, still enjoying winding Seb up.

“Oh, so a teenage girl is secretly an undercover operative for Mercedes?” countered Seb.

“Probably not,” relented Mark. “Probably Sauber.”

Seb laughed.

“Because?”

Mark shrugged.

“Easy access to chocolate cos they're Swiss?”

“Faultless logic there,” agreed Sebastian dryly.

 

He grinned at Mark, knowing his predilection for chocolate despite his strict diet.

“So, what you're saying is that you're offering to test them for me, just in case?” Sebastian suggested.

Mark put his hand on his heart.

“Only decent thing to do for the one I love.”

Sebastian shook his head, playing along.

“You're too good to me.”

“I'm very selfless,” concurred Mark.

 

Seb had a wicked glint in his eye as he lifted the lid, went to offer them over and then snatched the box away just as Mark reached for one, giggling childishly as he picked one out for himself to play a game with Mark. He took a tiny bite, not really intending to eat something unhealthy right before a race.

“Mmmm,” Sebastian teased.

Mark was about to make a sarcastic comment when Seb dropped the chocolate, gasped and grabbed at his throat, pretending to cough and choke.

Mark froze for a second, then saw Sebastian crease up with laughter.

“Argh, Mark, I'm poisoned!” giggled Seb. “Help me, I'm dying!”

He faked a groan and threw himself down into Mark's lap melodramatically, completely failing to hide the grin on his face at how easily he'd got Mark then.

“Oh my god, you think you're fucking _hilarious_ ,” complained Mark.

Sebastian twisted around to look up at Mark, still lying sideways over him and continuing to giggle, so Mark started tickling his side, getting him right under the ribs where he knew Sebastian would jump, causing Seb to let out an irrepressible little shriek before the pair of them fell about laughing uncontrollably, Seb trying to get Mark back but mostly failing.

“Oh gott, stop Mark, stop,” begged Sebastian breathily as Mark tickled him again. “Oh my heart, _stop!”_

Sebastian theatrically pressed his hand to his chest, feeling his heart pounding away underneath.

Mark grinned and ceased tickling Seb, enjoying seeing how happy and relaxed he was. He gave him a hand to sit up properly and the pair of them sat leaning their backs against the wall as Seb got his breath back.

 

Sebastian shook his head despairingly at Mark.

“The walls in here are much thinner than the hotel,” he rebuked.

Mark flickered his eyebrows up.

“What _will_ people think?”

Sebastian leant his shoulder into Mark's alongside him.

“Don't think I want to know.”

“Hey you started that,” disputed Mark.

“Hmm.”

 

Seb knew it was true. It was just that he enjoyed messing around with Mark too much and it took his mind off the serious matter of racing. He'd better go in a minute. Head down to run through things with Britta and then on to the first team meeting of the day and begin his race preparations. Maybe in just one more minute.

They found themselves smiling at one another. Seb dropped his head sideways on Mark's shoulder for a moment.

“We'll be straight home after the race and then we've ten whole days at home,” noted Seb.

“Ten whole days? _Luxury_ ,” grinned Mark, leaning his head forwards a little to see him. “Just think of the things we can do with all that time?”

He caught Sebastian off-guard and reached a hand around to tickle him lightly once more.

“Mark!”

Mark relented, but they were still laughing.

“Okay, I really have to go now,” admitted Seb, sitting up.

“I'll just sit here and gorge on chocolates until you get back.”

“Greedy.”

“Mm, very.”

 

Mark placed a finger under Seb's chin to tilt it up and moved in to kiss him. A nice, slow, unhurried kiss, as if they had all the time in the world.

As Seb sat back he smiled at Mark.

“Maybe I can stay one more minute?”

“Now who's greedy?”

 

 

As Dan exited his room to go down to begin his day he heard yet more laughter from the room opposite. He didn't want to imagine what the two of them were up to in there. He had been considering knocking on the door to collect Seb to go down with him, but it seemed that was probably not such a great idea. Ah well, he thought as he bounced down the stairs, at least they seemed happy. That had been rare enough this year, Dan wasn't about to judge them for making the most of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat balancing on the guard-rail of the drivers' parade truck alongside Lewis, chatting about nothing in particular and waving to the crowd. It wasn't hard to be in a good mood with such a fantastic atmosphere resonating around the circuit. It was an idyllic Monza day; A perfect blue sky and the sun warm without being too hot at the beginning of autumn. The trees in the parkland around the track were just starting to turn at the change in season and a few leaves that had fallen blew across the asphalt. Seas of red-clad Tifosi filled the stands, mixed with fans from all around the globe, cheering and waving, shouting out things that they couldn't quite catch as they went past. Flags of almost every nation and banners proclaiming allegiance to one driver or another were draped everywhere and huge prancing horse shields appeared here and there. It was a joyful, exuberant atmosphere, heady with expectation.

 

It seemed as if the good vibes were rubbing off on everybody, as open hostilities seemed to be on hold. Even those who had given Sebastian trouble in the past where quiet. Perez looked over from the far side of the truck and then whispered something to his neighbour but Sebastian eye-balled him right back. Lewis looked at Seb and raised an eyebrow.

“He being a dick again?”

Seb shrugged.

“Guess he can't help it if he is one.”

Lewis laughed and lowered his sunglasses slightly for a moment and looked right back over so that Perez knew that they weren't affected by him.

 

The truck took one of the corners a little faster than it ought to and the two of them had to grip onto the railing to make sure they didn't fall off.

“Whoa,” laughed Lewis, “that'd be a sad end to my day.”

“Dumped unceremoniously off the fun-bus? No, not the way I'd want to go either,” agreed Sebastian.

He glanced over at Nico.

“You still not talking to him?”

Lewis pulled a face.

“I'm not _not talking to him._ I'm just not talking to him, you know, if I don't have to.”

Seb pulled a wry face.

“How does that work?”

Lewis shrugged.

“I prefer to do my talking on track.”

“Best way.”

Sebastian thought about asking how that worked for them in team meetings, but he'd been through enough of awkward ones of his own once upon a time. He'd rather forget them. He was doing pretty well at forgetting everything this weekend and Seb wanted to continue doing so.

 

The assigned drivers' parade interviewer was working her way over and arrived at them to get a word for the crowds and the viewers at home.

“Hello, ready for a quick chat?” she checked.

“Yep,” agreed Seb.

“Hey Pinks,” greeted Lewis.

She grinned at him.

“You're chirpy today. I thought you'd still be hacked off about quali,” Natalie commented.

Sebastian glanced at the cameraman and saw he was still fiddling with some buttons; Clearly they weren't live yet.

Lewis shrugged.

“Five thousandths of a second? I'm not gonna cry myself to sleep over that one. Can't say I didn't give it my best. Someone in the stands must've sneezed in my car's direction and slowed me down.”

Natalie laughed and signalled her guy to start filming.

 

“Lewis, beautiful day here today.”

“Sure is Natalie. Great day for a race.”

“You're looking forward to it?”

“Of course. I hope we'll have a good battle out here.”

“Are you hoping for a repeat of last year then?”

Lewis laughed.

“A rubbish start you mean?”

Natalie laughed back.

“Oh dear, I forgot that. No, guess not. I meant the bit about overtaking your team-mate for the win.”

“That's the plan,” agreed Lewis.

“I suppose you wouldn't be averse to him have another little lock-up around turn one?” teased Natalie.

Lewis pulled a face.

“I never hope for my opponents to have a problem.”

“I'm sure you'd prefer to make the pass on-track,” recovered the presenter.

“That's the fun bit,” grinned Lewis.

“Fun for us too,” concurred Natalie.

 

She turned to Sebastian.

“The last race was rather fun to watch as well Seb.”

“Thanks. I've not actually had chance to watch it back yet. It was pretty good fun to drive, I can tell you that much,” offered Sebastian.

“You got the win from a starting position of sixth. You must fancy your chances from fourth today?” suggested Natalie.

Seb gave a non-committal nod.

“I'll be doing my best.”

He smiled across at Lewis.

“May rather depend on how these guys do.”

“Indeed. Well it seems we've a great day in prospect. Wonderful atmosphere here today.”

“Amazing,” agreed Sebastian.

He turned and waved to the crowds, knowing that the broadcast was being played out to them on the big screens dotted around the track.

“Ciao a tutti. Spero che abbiamo una buona giornata.”

“Show off,” grinned Lewis.

“Would you like to say something too?” offered Natalie, moving the microphone over.

“Oh, now you're asking. Umm, Ciao, it's great to see you all here today. Grazie a tutti!”

“Thanks guys.”

 

As Natalie moved on to find her next subjects, Lewis turned to Seb again.

“I think I need to learn more Italian.”

“Me too,” laughed Seb. “That was about my limit and I'm not one hundred percent sure I didn't just insult half the audience.”

Lewis chuckled and shook his head.

“Maybe you should ask your team-mate?”

Further along Daniel was holding forth in fluent Italian to the local broadcaster and the crowd were cheering his efforts.

“Well he's got Italian family. That's cheating,” joked Seb.

“Yeah. Nico speaks five languages.”

“Now that really is showing off,” agreed Seb.

“Mm, well, least said,” noted Lewis dourly.

 

The truck was pulling towards the last corner and they both turned to wave to the vast grandstands. Sebastian glanced back at him.

“You mean it, don't you? About preferring to pass Nico on track, rather than pressuring him into a mistake?”

“Hey man, I didn't say Nico,” dissembled Lewis.

“Hmm.”

Seb flicked up an eyebrow. They both knew he had meant Nico and every fan watching knew the same.

“I don't want to benefit from him, or anyone, having a problem and just going off track here. That's not what racing is about.”

He looked at Seb.

“You feel the same way. Any true racer feels the same,” asserted Lewis.

Sebastian gave him a steady look.

“I guess. That's what it is isn't it? You don't think he's a real racer.”

“When he makes a pass on me on track and makes it stick, you come back to me on that one.”

 

Lewis grinned and before Seb could think of anything to say in reply, they were back at the start and the drivers' parade was over. As he climbed off the truck, Sebastian reflected that was the arrogance everyone spoke of that drivers had to possess to be great. You had to think you were better. You had to _know_ that you were better.

He had twice as many world championships than Lewis, but if push came to shove, Seb had no doubt that Lewis thought he was a better racer than him. It didn't have to mean there wasn't respect there, but Lewis not only thought he should beat him, he expected to these days. There was a fine line between confidence and arrogance and Seb knew that was often the problem with those on the outside looking in. It was easy to misinterpret. He didn't think Lewis was arrogant, but if there was a driver more self-confident in his abilities, only Alonso could rival him.

Sebastian considered himself more of a realist. His current car wasn't as good as the Mercedes and that was that. He would take his chances, _make_ them where he could, but he there was only a certain extent to which he could outdrive his car. Seb suspected Lewis felt differently. It was part of what made them different characters. That and the fact that Lewis had very dodgy taste in jewellery.

Seb smiled to himself as he made his way back. Perhaps that was unfair? So what if Lewis' taste was different to his own? Lewis knew he was different and that everyone constantly passed judgement on him for it, but he didn't care.

Perhaps he could learn a thing or two from Lewis' attitude, thought Seb. There was nothing wrong with being different. It made the world a more interesting place. If every driver on the grid was the same it would doubtless be a very dull place indeed. It was hard not to care about the world's opinion on you; On what you had achieved, what you had done, what you were, and who you were with. But maybe he could learn to care a little less about that? Maybe.

 

In his pocket his phone buzzed and Seb pulled it out to see another message from his little brother wishing him luck. He smiled as he texted back, thanking him and promising to call Fabian and his family as soon as he got chance after the race. It was a comfort to know there would always be some people on his side who never judged, but only supported him no matter what.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time flew and before they knew it Mark and Sebastian were out the back of the RedBull garage as usual. It only felt like five minutes since they had been getting up and yet here they were; almost race time already.

Mark didn't feel as though he'd got much time with Seb today, but then race days were like that; There always seemed more to cram in despite the fact everything had been gone over already. At least they had managed a tiny bit of a lie-in this morning. Mark had woken earlier than Sebastian which wasn't unusual, but then he was never unhappy lying awake holding Seb close. Watching him sleep peacefully was the best feeling in the world. Mark thought he could do it for hours and never want it to end.

He wasn't doing very well for thinking of anything encouraging to say to Seb today; On a power track in the dry it was going to take more than a dollop of good luck to make any progress up the field. Mark was certain that Seb would try his best and it seemed pointless to remind him of what he already knew.

 

Mark pulled Seb into a hug and hung onto him, hoping it said more than any platitudes he could offer. As he let go, Mark gave Seb a reassuring smile.

“Okay then?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Not nervous?” checked Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“A bit, just... I'm okay. Just anticipation I guess, I don't know.”

Mark rested his hand against the side of Sebastian's cheek and stroked down it softly, trying to convey with his touch what he couldn't in words.

“You'll do great, you always do.”

“Thanks.”

 

Sebastian hadn't felt nervous all weekend until now, but that wasn't unusual; The stage where you were about to get in the car for the start of the race was always when it hit home that everything else had been leading up to this point and all you had been worrying about until now scarcely mattered by comparison.

He puffed out a steadying breath.

“Okay then.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him another tight hug. He never really wanted to let him go at this point.

Someone came through heading out towards the paddock and Seb stepped back for a moment.

 

Mark tried to think of something worth mentioning.

“The guys are happy with everything you worked on last night?”

“Yeah, I think so. Guess we'll only see if it works when we actually get started.”

Mark gave him a wry smile.

“True. I'm sure it'll be fine though.”

 

Mark knew that he was staring at Sebastian too intensely. He couldn't say what he really wanted to; _Drive safe, just come back to me. I don't care about the result, I only care about you._ You couldn't say that, it wasn't done. All you could say was _good luck_ , so that was what Mark did.

“Good luck.”

Sebastian recognised the look in Mark's eye, having experienced his role only too recently.

“Don't worry Liebling, I'll be fine. Good drivers all around me at the start today, I'm not about to get mixed up in any scrapping between the Mercs off the line, okay?” he reassured.

Mark nodded. That was a comfort, plus Seb was going from the second row, so given even a half-decent start he ought to be ahead of any mid-field melee at the beginning.

“Of course you will,” agreed Mark.

 

Seb glanced at his watch.

“It's time.”

Mark nodded, feeling his stomach do a little flip. He didn't know why he was so anxious. The start here wasn't half as bad as many other places; There was a decent run before the chicane at turn one, so as long as you got a good start off the line and didn't do anything stupid going into that, you were reasonably well set, and Seb most definitely wasn't stupid.

He leant in to give Sebastian a last kiss and Seb wound his arms around Mark's neck as Mark pulled him in at the waist. Neither of them cared whether anyone in the team was about to see. This had become their standard routine by now, but they were both aware that they couldn't take it for granted. Very soon they wouldn't have this. The next race for both of them fell in two weeks time and they would be about as far apart as it was possible to be; Sebastian scheduled to be in Singapore and Mark in Austin, Texas. Virtual hugs were something, but they were nothing compared to a real hug, so they should make the most of this while they could.

 

As Sebastian reluctantly let go and stood back, Mark placed his hand carefully under Seb's chin and looked him in the eye.

“I love you.”

Seb smiled warmly back at him. Every time he heard Mark say those words it was like a warmth spread inside him and he stood an inch taller.

“I know.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You're stealing my line,” he rebuked.

Sebastian scrunched his nose, enjoying the way Mark always teased him.

“I love you too Liebling.”

He pushed up on his toes and gave Mark a final peck on the lips.

“I wish I could stop here, but you know I can't.”

“I know. Go get 'em,” grinned Mark.

Seb nodded and forced himself to step away to go to get into his car. Mark hung back in the doorway and watched him walk away.

It was time to go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian concentrated on routine to take his mind off his nerves as he came around the track on his installation lap; Warming the tyres and the brakes, trying to get a feel for the surface underneath him and see how the car was handling as he gave it a few tests on the corners to check her response. He did feel some improvement, it was certainly far better than yesterday morning, so that was something.

As he pulled up into his grid-slot Seb knew he had no choice but to trust in his girl and hope she'd do what he needed. There was no time to worry as the five red lights flashed on and out again and everyone leapt off the line as the race was on.

Sebastian got decent traction as he released the clutch at the start and tried to pull alongside Felipe as they approached the first chicane, but the Mercedes engine in the Williams was too powerful and he slipped ahead around the bend leaving Sebastian to sit back with Dan in place behind him. No point getting too hot in the first lap when you couldn't win the race, but you had every chance of ending it before they'd even had opportunity to replay the start on TV. The Mercedes were predictably far ahead already and Sebastian wondered whether he would see them again all day. His engineer came on the radio and gave Sebastian a few words on pace as he began to settle into running around the track, having to be satisfied with going steady for now.

 

 

In the garage Mark let out his held breath and wondered why he had been worried. Seb was far too sensible and too good a driver to do anything daft at the start. He wasn't sure the same could be said of the Mercedes drivers who were already defying their team and going at it hammer and tong around the Lesmos. If they weren't careful they were going to stuff up their day for both of them, but then Mark knew only too well how logic could go out of the window when passions ran high and the stakes were this big. He reflected that if they went on like this they might inadvertently help those behind and foremost amongst those as far as Mark was concerned was of course Seb.

 

 

Sebastian spent the first dozen laps managing the delicate balance of keeping his team-mate comfortably behind him and well out of DRS range without taking too much out of his tyres. They were relying on going long into the race to attempt a tactical piece of strategy to jump the Williams and give Seb a shot at the podium today. Thankfully this was made somewhat easier by the fact that Dan was running on a similar strategy and couldn't push too hard either.

 

Mark knew what the commentators didn't as they dismissed Sebastian as sitting back in the race. He knew what the plan was for the day; Seb was working to a careful calculation, lap after lap, saving fuel, saving tyres, doing just enough and taking no unnecessary risks. Sometimes F1 could be as much about science as artistry behind the wheel and Sebastian was intelligent enough to drive with his head.

The boys at the front weren't being quite so clever and the Mercedes management had just been broadcast on the radio only too clearly ticking the pair of them off like naughty schoolboys. DC's voice came over on the commentary, complaining that the cooler tempers on the pitwall were spoiling their fun and Mark had to admit that whilst sensible drivers looked at the bigger picture it was more entertaining to watch Lewis and Nico when they were misbehaving and racing the wheels off their cars.

They'd barely shown Sebastian since the start which usually bothered Mark, but he knew that meant they had nothing exciting to show. Seb was plainly running a steady, uneventful course. But steady was fine, steady was good, steady was what they needed.

 

 

 

Cars began to pit from lap twenty and as Sebastian stretched out his stint, his lap times fell off on the more worn tyres, but he didn't allow himself to be put off as his engineer came on reminding him that he was doing precisely what they had planned late last night. If Seb pushed now, to feel as though he was keeping up with the rest, then he would never achieve what they required from this run.

 

By lap twenty-three a few cars on fresh rubber had got past Sebastian, both Bottas and Alonso slipping by with Seb powerless to do much to hold them back. He had fallen to seventh in the running, but Mark tried not to let that worry him. First one then the other Mercedes were forced to pit as their early racing had damaged their tyres. Lewis came in first as his close running behind Nico had overheated the rubber fairly badly and he couldn't hold out any longer. Mark knew that the Mercedes pitwall would be frantically recalculating their options to ensure they still won the race.

Nico pitted the lap after Lewis and it was clear that Lewis was pushing hard on his fresh tyres to try to jump him coming out of the pits, but Nico put his foot down the second he was past the limiter and scootched out _just_ in front, forcing Lewis wide to prevent a crash between the two of them.

Mark temporarily forgot about Sebastian as he watched transfixed as the two drivers refused to give up the fight. As Lewis had warmer tyres in comparison to his team-mate he got better grip going into the Lesmos, ducked inside the second curve and got past Rosberg without the need of the DRS he had just gained and Nico crucially lacked.

 

The television broadcast the outraged radio call from Rosberg, accusing his team-mate of pushing him out and leaving him no choice but to let him past. Mark chuckled under his breath as DC noted laconically.

“I'm pretty sure that's called 'racing' Nico.”

Mark knew Lewis was never going to do his rival any favours. He couldn't understand why Nico was under the misapprehension that he might be persuaded to do so after all these years of being demonstrably shown the opposite.

Clearly furious, Nico was pushing harder and chased Lewis into the long straight to ensure he triggered the first DRS detection point to give him a chance to get by, only to waste all that effort by swinging wide through Parabolica curve and having to use his open rear-wing simply to get back in touch along the start-finish straight. He did better into the second DRS zone and got by, only for Lewis to pull the same trick back in the first zone.

 

Mark shook his head. This looked as though it was going to go tit-for-tat all afternoon. The crowd was lapping it up, cheering each move so loudly that Mark could easily hear their excitement even with his headphones on. Say what you liked about Mercedes dominance, they didn't dint on providing a good show.

 

 

Sebastian sat half-way back around the track, not caring what the Mercedes were playing at, concentrating instead on studying how well his car was handling the corners and how soon he could release it into the straights. She was definitely better than yesterday which was essential seeing as Dan had been running closer for the past few laps and Seb knew his strategy was also to hold out for a later stop in the hope of capitalising at the end of the race and the battle might well be on between the two of them for that prized podium spot.

 

On the television they finally cut away from the Mercedes to show the two RedBulls getting closer and Mark watched anxiously as Daniel gained DRS to attempt a pass on the start-finish straight, only for Seb to deploy all his saved energy via his ERS button to fight back and hold. Dan tried again in the second DRS zone only to lock up coming around the second curve of Lesmo allowing Sebastian to pull away again.

The commentators were delighting in all the intra-team squabbling going on today, but Mark was listening to the exchanges on the radio, guessing at what a lap later Daniel came on to concede; that his lock-up had caused a bad flat spot.

“Sorry guys, this one's rattling my fillings. Gotta call it or it might go,” reported Daniel, clearly fearing that his front tyres were in danger of puncturing.

Mark turned and saw the team conferring on the pitwall before they acceded to Dan's request and pulled him in several laps before his planned stop.

 

 

Sebastian consoled himself that he had the advantage now, if only theoretically, and forced himself to hold steady, doing the ascribed lap-times whilst still trying to hold off drivers behind him. He didn't want to fall any further back than sixth. Both Williams cars were ahead now, plus Alonso. Seb knew it was key that he didn't panic. They had a plan and he was sticking to it.

As they reached lap twenty-eight, Sebastian was just contemplating radioing through to admit that he was almost down to the canvas on his tyres when he skidded wide going into the sharp turn four. As he recovered the car back on track Seb pressed the radio button on his steering wheel.

“Guys that was too close. I don't think...”

“Safety car, safety car. Bottas off at Ascari with engine failure,” interrupted his engineer. “Box this lap.”

That woke Sebastian up. This could be a gift; If the field was busy tiptoeing around the circuit following the safety car he could practically have a free stop. It wasn't fair on everyone who had already pitted, but whoever said F1 was fair?

 

 

Mark recovered from his fright at seeing Seb go off track and watched as the team sprang into life; Mechanics scrambling for tyres and kit as they raced into the pitlane apron to meet Sebastian pulling in for a blink and you'll miss it, whirr of tyre-guns and the synchronised ballet of the team working as one to provide Seb with brand new tyres and send him on his way. Mark turned back to the screen above him to see where that would slot Seb back on track.

It had all happened so fast that cars were still lining up behind the safety car and as they hadn't yet closed up in tight formation, Sebastian could neatly pop back out without losing too much. He was actually technically a place up now that Bottas was out, so he sat in fifth. The gap to Dan behind was wiped out, but seeing as he couldn't overtake while the safety car ran on track, Seb was safe for now and as the cars closed up, the advantage of the four cars in front was gradually eroded.

 

It felt as though everyone present was being allowed a moment to catch their breath. When Mark had seen Sebastian scoot wide before pitting he had flinched back from the screen and wished he would take it easier, but he knew Seb had a great chance now. His tyres were four or five laps younger than most of his opponents and he was now hard on the heels of Fernando in front. The question now was whether this safety car would stay out so long that it saved the tyres of those who had pitted sooner and wipe out Sebastian's hard fought advantage at the end.

There was also the issue of whether Seb could properly get his tyres up to temperature running at this slower speed. Mark watched as Seb deliberately weaved about across the straights to get heat into his tyres and brakes, helped slightly by the fact that the team had warned his team-mate behind him to watch out for Seb doing just that, telling Dan not to run into the back of him. Mark thought how different this was to the previous race in Spa where visibility had been so poor in the rain that behaving in a similar manner would have doubtless ended with a car up your exhaust pipe before either of you even knew the other was there.

 

 

 

Two laps later the marshals had extricated the stricken Williams from the track and the safety car was coming in. Sebastian watched the rear end of the car in front and stuck as close as he dared, praying that Fernando might not be as sharp as him at the re-start and with quick wits and a bold right foot he could leapfrog him before Alonso knew what was happening.

The safety car peeled back into the pits, the green flags flew and while Lewis hared off at the head of the field, Sebastian did exactly as he had planned and jumped Fernando before he had chance to fully press the accelerator. As they wove through the first chicane once more Seb had fourth place again and a wide smile on his face.

 

Mark was smiling even wider. Fernando should have known that Seb was like a startled rabbit the second a re-start was underway.

 

 

The gloves were off now. Twenty-three laps to go and everything to play for with the race completely shaken up. Nico was chasing Lewis, Daniel sniffing all round Alonso's rear and Sebastian was hanging on to the back of Massa who had pitted first out of all the leading cars and now had tyres that were nowhere near as good as Seb's.

The television coverage barely knew where to go; jumping from battle to battle as the commentators got over-excited trying to work out what was happening and what the outcome might be. With almost all the cars having completed their one and only pitstop in this race it was now down to the cars and the drivers on track.

 

 

Two laps later Sebastian knew his tyres were in the peak window of performance. If he was going to try something on Massa he had to push hard now to give himself a realistic chance or he would merely be running in his hot air for no reason and he might as well back off.

 

On television it was playing out to viewers that Toto Wolff had taken over the Mercedes comms, telling Nico Rosberg in no uncertain terms to back off, as his repeated attempts to get past Lewis had all failed, causing both cars to lose speed and endangering the team result as a consequence.

DC's voice came over.

“Uhoh they've called in daddy now. Nico knows that means business.”

Mark smiled, thinking that if Mercedes ever had cause to put Niki Lauda on the radio to tell their boys to behave, whoever disobeyed might as well pack their bags as soon as they got back to the garage.

 

Rosberg obediently fell a safe distance back, but while FOM had been caught up with this little drama, they had failed to notice that Sebastian was all over Felipe Massa through the Lesmos in order to gain DRS. Coming out into the straight Seb opened his rear wing and the television shot cut to show the Williams car _just_ managing to out-power the RedBull and retain his position.

Sebastian cursed inside his helmet. With fresher tyres and a lighter car now that so much of the fuel load had been burned off, he ought to have completed that move, but the engine in his car simply wasn't strong enough. On the other hand she was handling far better through the curves than Massa was on his older tyres and with increased confidence Seb continued to push through Ascari where his better grip allowed him to fly around the bends while Felipe had to take more care.

He risked everything coming out onto the long straight and somehow hung on just enough to squeak under the one second measurement to get a second boost of DRS. He pressed harder than he dared going into Parabolica, left it late on the brakes and then stamped hard sending up puffs of white smoke as Seb's tyres locked briefly and then thankfully released again without destroying them. He hung onto the steering wheel as Massa in front was evidently doing the same, but whereas Sebastian's car held the line, Massa's slipped wide and ran over the line onto the black ribbon of tarmac.

Not so long ago the gravel that had used to be there might have pulled him off altogether, but now Felipe could recover and continue into the start-finish straight. It had however been enough to throw Felipe's balance and let Sebastian close in to arrive at the DRS zone with sufficient momentum to outweigh the Williams' engine superiority and let Seb shoot past.

 

 

In the garage there were whoops and cheers as they watched Sebastian pull the overtake off. Mark beamed and applauded happily alongside Britta stood next to him.

 

Seb felt as though he was flying now. His heart was pounding as he slinked the car in-out through the chicane and carried on along Curva Grande, still pressing hard to try to give himself a gap ahead of Massa to prevent him nicking the position right back at the next DRS marker.

 

Over on the RedBull pitwall they were juggling the possibilities for both their drivers. Dan was creeping up on Fernando Alonso again and his engineers were encouraging him to make the move, whilst Seb's guys were looking at the track positions of the Mercedes in front.

“Sebastian, Nico has dropped all the way back from Lewis now. If you keep this pace he could be in range next lap,” they informed him.

 

Sebastian was surprised. He'd not been harbouring any ambitions about actually beating the Mercedes today. Was that really possible? Could Rosberg have risked too much too soon fighting Lewis and left himself so vulnerable that Seb could really challenge him? If the team said it was so, then he had to believe it. He had to trust that they had weighed up the risk of him pushing his own tyres too hard and burning up his rubber in Nico's wake. It would be worth it if he could get by, but it was a big **if**.

The only way to find out was to try it. Seb knew that if he wasn't willing to take the risk to push and attempt the move, he might as well give up racing altogether.

 

 

Mark listened as the radio messages were broadcast and knew, as the team did, that they had just informed not only Sebastian, but Mercedes of their intentions, and this was borne out as a follow up message was immediately sent to Nico telling him that Seb was on his tail.

The problem for Nico was that he was now trapped: He had the choice of pushing harder to keep Sebastian behind and putting himself into that dreaded hot air from Lewis' exhaust he had just been so scrupulously avoiding on pain of Toto's wrath, or stay back and leave himself open to Seb's attack.

Either way he was going to lose out and Nico's radio reply pointed out just that, but there was nothing the team could do but tell him he had to try to sit just outside two seconds behind Lewis and hope that was enough to stay ahead of Sebastian by more than a second so he couldn't get DRS.

Naturally these later messages were relayed to Sebastian so he knew that Rosberg in front was compromised and this only served to encourage Seb to think that he had a better chance.

 

Mark stood in the garage, listening to all this back and forth and thought he knew what was about to happen: Seb was about to scare the life out of him to pull off another impossible move. He was now sitting in third place and a weak part of Mark wanted to tell Sebastian that third was fine, third was they had been hoping for, third was a podium and that was enough. Seb should play it safe and settle for third. But champions didn't _settle_ for anything on the track or they wouldn't be champions.

 

Sebastian had no thoughts of settling for his current position in his mind, he was completely caught up with pushing the car to its limits and praying that he wasn't eating up his tyres and thus might end up overtaking Rosberg only to lose out due to ruined grip at the end of the race.

 

Having spent so much of the race fighting each other, the Mercedes were already further back than their supreme car deserved. Nico was on the radio, gnashing his teeth in frustration as the team kept changing their mind about what he should be doing.

“Guys I can't push _and_ hold back, I have to do one or the other. Tell Lewis to speed up,” he demanded.

In front Lewis responded by calmly telling his team that he was preserving his tyres as requested and if they wanted him to win the race then that was what he was going to continue doing.

 

Mark hid a smile as DC came on the broadcast, chuckling at the gamesmanship on display.

“Someone has to lose out here and I have a nasty feeling that it might be our pole-sitter being shuffled down the pack. At this rate he may find Ricciardo also on his tail as the RedBulls look bitey today.”

 

 

Sebastian had responded to the challenge by throwing caution to the wind, powering along the straights and flinging the car around the bends as if he was on a qualifying lap. He wanted the overtake, he wanted second place, he wanted more.

The gap in front shrunk as Seb continued on his way, risking two wheels over the white line here, a fraction later braking there. A puff of smoke from the tyres again as he went through the chicane but somehow managing to avoid going over the viciously high kerbs designed to discourage anyone trying to cut the corner altogether. He knew his straight-line speed was still nothing on the Mercedes, but the quandary Nico had been placed in was confusing him and damaging his ability to do what was needed.

 

As Mercedes fed the details of the closing gap through to Nico his voice was getting ever more stressed in reply and Mark knew that meant there was no way he could perform at his best in this situation. He was vulnerable now and Sebastian had to capitalise.

 

 

One lap wasn't enough to close in, but by the next he was definitely edging Nico's times and moving nearer. Seb missed out on DRS through the Lesmos, but he kept pushing, going wide once more but not letting up through the straight, running downhill under the bridge between the trees and focussing so hard on Ascari lying ahead that he felt none of the bumps on the track jogging the car beneath, sending up sparks behind him. He dropped down to fifth gear but decelerated as little as possible into the first bend, opened up as much as he could before the second part and consequently banged the kerbs hard on the way out. Seb only felt the jarring motion for a second before he was back on the throttle and flicking up all the way through the gears to eighth as he stretched out the car knowing that Rosberg must surely be doing the same ahead.

He could see him visibly closer. The possibility of getting past was now tangible as Sebastian felt the car going faster and faster, achieving the highest speed he had reached throughout the whole race. There was something unreal about going so fast that made Seb feel powerful and more alive, reminding him why he loved racing so much. There was nothing technical about this, no managing anything other than how hard you dared press on the accelerator and the pureness of the velocity you felt your body travelling at.

It was as if the car felt his urgency and had responded by transforming into an even faster machine; It was zooming along like a bullet now, pointed dead ahead at the fast approaching Parabolica curve. Just before the bend was the DRS detection point. Seb knew he had to keep pushing until the very last second to get as close as possible to Nico in front, hope he was more cautious and braked sooner for the curve, and thus gave Sebastian the advantage he needed.

 

Seb was busy considering how this could come down to who wanted it more, who was willing risk it as he got towards the end of the straight. Rosberg was now out of sight around the bend and Sebastian knew he could only concentrate on himself. As he crossed the DRS line Seb got the signal that he had done enough and achieved the sub-second rule and would be able to challenge Nico once he reached the DRS zone on the start-finish straight.

Sebastian had already been thinking about how he had succeeded against Massa and how he could do it again, how he would achieve the impossible and overtake a Mercedes in the dry on a track that by rights they ought to own with that engine. He was now calculating how much he could gamble on braking late, whether it would work to let the car hang out a little over the line where the gravel used to be and get in the right position to be in Nico's slipstream to maximise his chances. Then Seb could see if he could pull the same move twice and gain second place going past the pitlane where Mark was in the garage waiting to see what he could do.

 

He kept his foot down as long as he could, then knowing he couldn't leave it any later, dropped rapidly through the gears from 359 kilometres an hour in eighth ready to slow by well over one hundred kilometres an hour in the space of a few metres. Seb was already bracing his body for the g-forces that were about to kick in, readying his neck to lean in to counter the pull of the sharp corner, getting his grip tighter on the steering wheel ready to pull it to the right when he put his foot down to brake.

 

 

 

In the garage everyone was glued to the screen, waiting to see if Sebastian could pull the audacious move off when one of the engineers reading the data screens suddenly yelled out.

“Oh fuck! Brake-by-wire's gone.”

Mark whipped his head around to see who had called out and if it was from Seb's side of the garage or Dan's.

It was Seb's.

He turned his head back just as fast to look at the screen in time to see huge clouds of black graphite smoke pouring out around Sebastian's wheel rims and Mark eyes widened in horror.

 

 

 

Sebastian felt the car shudder as the ERS braking malfunctioned and knew something was wrong before the team had chance to tell him. He stamped on the pedal and the manual brake pads tried to take the full strain of slowing the car coming out of the fastest part of the track on the fastest circuit of the year. Seb had no time to look to see how much he had decelerated getting off the throttle and dropping gears, only knowing that it wasn't enough.

The amount of energy going through the car was immense and the law of inertia meant all of it was trying to was go forwards as Seb had been willing the car to do only seconds earlier. The Brembo brake pads on their own were no match for the task of fighting that and exploded simultaneously under the immense pressure, catapulting Sebastian's car onwards at uncontrollable speed.

Despite a part of him knowing it was pointless, Seb slammed the brake pedal again, but now there was nothing.

 

His brain was telling him to still try to control this, to pull on the steering to the right and at least turn the car. Seb tried to move the wheel, but got no response.

He shot dead ahead over the extended run-off that now covered a third of what used to be gravel at the start of the bend, the smooth asphalt providing barely any friction to help slow the car down. Milliseconds later Sebastian's car was flying over the gravel trap that usually seemed so huge but now passed in no time at all. Seb's eyes were wide open, seeing the tyre-wall ahead getting rapidly bigger through his visor. He pressed the radio button and screamed the one word in his head.

“ _Brakes!”_

Then there was nothing.

 

 

 

Shrieks and gasps rang out in the garage, the noise echoing in the stands around the track.

In a desperately quiet voice Mark let out a breathed; “Oh _Christ_ , no.”

 

They had all seen as Sebastian helplessly shot straight ahead off track, hurtling over the gravel to bury his car into the tyre wall and come to a terrifyingly abrupt halt. His snatched radio message had been prevented by the time-delay from being broadcast on television, but on the headphones Mark had heard it and thought his heart stopped in that moment.

 

A deathly silence descended in the garage and all around. Britta was gripping Mark's arm tight, but neither could look at the other as they anxiously watched the television; the FOM aerial camera shot from the helicopter homed in on Sebastian's now stationary car half buried in the deep tyre wall designed to absorb the energy of a crash.

The stillness in that image was far more frightening than the speed in the one before.

 

On the commentary David Coulthard came on, his voice betraying the shock he felt.

“That doesn't look good. Safety car right out.”

His voice was too quiet, too serious, too afraid.

Marshals were shown rushing to the scene and surrounding the car, pausing as they consulted one another as to what they ought to do for the best, speaking on their radios back to race control.

  
Mark didn't know how he was still breathing. He couldn't think anything at all other than; _Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay, please, please._

He swallowed hard and blinked as he didn't seem to have done since everything went wrong right in front of him. It was less than a minute since the accident had occurred but it felt like an hour.

 

Over on the pitwall Christian had taken over the radio. Running a hand through his thinning hair he held the microphone close to his mouth and spoke with an attempt at measured calm.

“Seb are you okay?”

Nothing.

“Sebi, please let us know you're okay.”

Nothing.

 

Mark barely felt the headphones he still wore. He couldn't feel anything. He could only listen and watch, completely powerless.

 

Christian switched channels to race control, communicating rapidly with Charlie. He flicked back to the normal channel and announced:

“The medical car is on its way.”

He didn't know if it was for Seb's benefit, for Mark's, or the team, or for everyone watching and listening. It crossed Christian's mind that Sebastian's family would be watching at home and he felt a dull new horror at that realisation.

 

Everyone in the garage watched in silence as the medical car pulled up close to the crashed RedBull and the doctors jumped out to assess the situation. The long nose of the car was so far buried into the tyre wall where it had been pierced by the force of impact that it was hidden all the way up to the cockpit where Sebastian sat. All you could see in the televised image from above were the colours of his helmet. It was too far away to see if Seb's head was slumped forward or held upright.

DC's voice broke through once more, sounding apprehensive.

“There's no movement.”

The words leaked out across the airwaves as if David didn't know he was letting out what was in his mind, in every anxious mind of every viewer watching. There was no movement in the car. Nothing.

 

Next to Christian on the pitwall, Seb's old engineer Rocky sat with his face frozen, but his brain still operating.

“The engine's switched off, but... I don't know if that was Seb or the marshals,” he admitted.

Christian turned and looked into the garage where everyone was stilled in place. He saw Mark with his back to him and knew his own fears were nothing to the agony Mark was currently enduring.

He turned on the radio yet again.

“Sebi can you hear me? The docs are with you now,” Christian reassured, with no idea whether Sebastian was listening or not.

 

Mark stayed stock-still in the garage, unable to take his eyes off the screen, sick for needing evidence of some kind of activity from within the car; Anything, any indication that Seb was alright; A move of a hand, a turn of his head, a response to the radio, anything, but there was nothing.

His face was a steely mask, taut with anxiety, eyes wide and staring, all his muscles tensed and unable to move, he couldn't move until Seb did.

He couldn't speak. No one could speak. There was nothing to say.

 

 

The rest of the field were looping the track behind the safety car, all the drivers passing the scene of the crash slowly, unable to look, unable to not look. Pressing their radio buttons they asked who the driver was, if he was okay, but no one could say more than; 'Vettel. We don't know yet.'

 

FOM kept the camera covering the scene of the accident; Doctors around the car, marshals standing around, still unsure what to do. There was a whispy pall of smoke leaking from the car somewhere, but no indication of fire. One of the marshals held an extinguisher ready, just in case, but stayed back while the medical team worked, leaning over the cockpit, their actions indecipherable from a distance.

 

All this activity, but from the car, nothing. No movement, no releasing the seatbelts and jumping out, no waving to the camera to show everyone he was fine, no walking away to get back to the pits, nothing.

 

Britta looked up at Mark's face, now drained of all blood and tried to think of something, anything, to say, but she had nothing.

She turned back to the screen and they all watched as the shot cut away.

Mark thought he was going to throw up right then. All he could think was that if they wouldn't show it, that was bad, that meant it was bad. His brain was furiously spinning; _'It's bad, it's bad, it's bad,'_ unable to stop itself running faster and more desperate.

He felt dizzy with it and Mark knew he really needed to throw up now, but he still couldn't move. He continued staring pointlessly at the screen, praying it would cut back to show the car, to show Seb, to show that the doctors had got him out and that he was alright, even that he was hurt, but okay. Mark thought he would take anything now, anything at all, but there was nothing.

 

Mark hardly realised he still had his headphones on, but through them he heard Christian's voice once more, thick with anguish now.

“Please Sebi, say something,” Christian begged, Mark echoing the words in his head.

 

But on the radio there was no response, nothing. Only silence.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 


	77. La Bella Addormentata

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh cripes, here we go. What's gonna happen? Is Seb okay?
> 
> Before we find out, I just wish to remind people that this is just a story, and as the writer I am well aware that my Brownies First Aid badge makes me no kind of medical expert, so if anyone reading this is (and frankly if you are, I'm guessing you don't have time for this kind of thing), please just accept all unsubstantiated medical references as they are – simply intended to motivate the story, and go with the flow.
> 
> Right then, keep holding that breath...

* * *

 

 

 

Christian got on to race control on the radio again to get an update and Rocky sat next to him saw his boss turn pale. Christian pulled his mobile phone from his pocket and dialled, barked some orders then jumped off his stool on the pitwall to cross the pitlane. He dashed into the garage, everyone turning to look at him as he went to the rear to reach Mark and Britta. As he passed it Christian glanced at the television and saw that it was now showing the cars in train behind the safety car and was grateful it wasn't displaying the scene of the accident, now hidden from the spectators by the standard white sheeting blocking their view of Seb with the doctors.

 

He stood in front of Mark who finally tore his eyes from the screen above him to look.

“ _Christian.”_

It was all Mark could manage, he couldn't seem to form the words to ask if Seb was okay. He wasn't even sure he dared to ask the question when he was so afraid of the answer.

“Out the back.”

Christian was really addressing Britta, telling her to accompany them. He took Mark's arm and led him through to the rear-garage out of sight. Once there Mark put his hand to brace himself against the partition wall feeling unsteady. Christian glanced at Britta again and then forced himself to speak.

“Mark they're halting the race, they've called in the med-evac helicopter to take Seb to hospital,” he explained, getting no further as Mark jolted forwards and threw up.

 

Christian put his hand under Mark's elbow from the side to keep him standing as he emptied his stomach again. He sighed and closed his eyes for a second, knowing he had to be the person to keep it together. He couldn't give in to his own emotions.

Mark's body was convulsed by fear. This was it, this was what they all dreaded, what they refused to acknowledge could happen every time a driver stepped into a car.

There was a plan, a worst case scenario procedure that every team had and no one ever mentioned except where absolutely necessary when it was reviewed each year. Christian knew he had to follow that plan or panic would take over and no one would know what to do. He was the boss, he had to lead, everyone was looking to him and he couldn't let them down.

 

“Britta, there's going to be a car waiting to take Mark to the hospital, can you go with him? I'll follow, but I have to sort things here first, then I'll catch up.”

Britta nodded. She looked at Mark and saw him force himself upright and wipe at his mouth. There were tears in his eyes and Britta wasn't sure if that was from distress or just a physical reaction to vomiting. There wasn't a lot of focus in those eyes as Mark was too lost in the un-nameable terrors that were swirling inside his head. Mark was clearly in no state to look after himself. It didn't occur to Britta to consider not going to take care of him and manage things as best she could.

“Of course.”

Britta looked at Christian, then Mark, then back at Christian again, trying to make herself voice the question Mark needed the answer to.

“How bad is it?”

Christian forced a steadying breath out, then spoke.

“We're not sure yet. Medical fed back; Not conscious, but _breathing_ , when they reached him,” he emphasised, trying to make sure he had Mark's attention.

“No sign of any injury, just... non-responsive. They have a clear airway and will sedate for transport,” Christian repeated, almost verbatim from the report he had been given by Charlie Whiting.

 

The phrase 'non-responsive' echoed in Mark's head. He blinked and looked at where they were standing. Only an hour ago he had been stood here with Seb, in this very spot he'd kissed him and told Seb he loved him. Seb had called him _Liebling_...

Mark's stomach twisted in a knot.

Sebastian had said he loved him in return. He had promised Mark he would be fine. He had hugged him and Mark hadn't wanted to let go. He shouldn't have let him go.

Mark screwed his eyes tight shut as he recalled how he had felt in that moment. Had he known deep down that something terrible was going to happen?

Seb had smiled at him as Mark stroked his cheek, with those beautiful blue eyes all lit up at the little show of affection. Those blue eyes that were now shut.

Mark tried to throw up again, but there was nothing left inside him.

 

Christian kept his arm on Mark's elbow and looked at Britta.

“Can you manage? I'd come, but I don't know if the race is ended.”

It seemed a horrible petty thought to consider he might have to take charge of a race continuing after this, but Christian couldn't leave until he knew for sure, and there were things he needed to arrange before he could catch up.

 

“I should be with him.”

Mark looked in the direction of the Parabolica. It was only a few hundred yards away. He could run. He could get there quickly and be by Seb's side as he ought to be. Seb was unconscious. Mark knew how to take care of him. Seb would be okay if he could just be with him.

“I need to look after him,” insisted Mark, looking back at the pair of them. “I'm supposed to take care of him.”

Christian looked at him carefully, not sure if Mark really knew what he was saying.

“Mark, Britta's going to take you to the hospital. You'll meet Seb there, okay?”

“I should go in the helicopter with him,” Mark protested.

“No, Mark you know that's not how it works. There isn't room. They'll take care of him, they've got doctors with him. He'll get to the hospital as fast as possible,” explained Christian as gently as he could.

 

Above them the sound of a repetitive thwump of air told Christian that the helicopter was flying overhead, preparing to land on the track. That would mean the rest of the cars would be in the pitlane out of the way. He really had to get back. The sooner he got things sorted, the sooner he could leave the track and join them at the hospital.

“I'm going to get Doc Phillips to go with you, okay?”

Britta nodded and Christian left them for a moment, returning to the main garage to fetch the team doctor. Updating him as quietly and as quickly as possible before they came back through. No one else in the team dared approach him.

 

Christian looked at the three of them.

“There's a car waiting for you, he knows were to go. I'll catch up as soon as I can.”

He was looking once again at Britta to take charge.

“If I have anything, or you need me, I've got my phone, okay?”

She nodded and Christian knew he already had dozens of missed calls on his mobile that he had to prioritise answering and a dozen calls he had to make.

“Doc.”

The doctor, nodded, knowing what Christian needed of him. He had to be the link between the team and the hospital.

 

“Okay then. Mark.”

Christian put his hand on Mark's arm again and looked him in the eye.

“He's tough, okay? You know how tough Seb is.”

Mark gave a tight nod back, then voiced a terrible thought that came into his head.

“What was the g-force reading on the car?”

Christian was surprised to hear him ask such a coherent technical question, but its point was only too obvious.

“I don't know yet,” Christian admitted.

He was being honest, but it was because he was afraid to look. It was going to be high. Dangerously high and the implications were probably too much for Mark to handle right now.

“You need to get going,” instructed Christian.

 

It would take twice as long by road as it would in the air. Mark took an attempt at a steadying breath, nodded, and allowed himself to be taken out into the paddock that was thankfully still quiet while people remained glued to what was happening on the track. Nothing seemed real, as if he was in a dream, or more accurately a nightmare. He couldn't think straight, he couldn't think of anything other than the need to get to Seb as soon as possible.

 

 

They were in the car and Mark wasn't quite sure how they had got there. He sat on the back seat by Britta who was trying to give him something approaching a reassuring smile.

“We'll be there as fast as possible, alright?”

Mark responded with a tiny nod, then closed his eyes. He didn't want to think, it only took him to bad places. He didn't want to look out of the window and see all the trees that lined the parkland surrounding the circuit blurring as they rushed by, making him dizzy. He just wanted to be there already, so he shut it out.

 

  


  


  


  


  


Britta stood at the reception desk of the hospital, Mark with Doc Phillips stood a few feet back seeing as neither of them had any Italian beyond a cursory 'please' and 'thank you'. Britta's Italian wasn't great, but she was trying to make herself understood by a hatchet faced middle-aged woman who seemed to be deliberately unhelpful.

Britta took a calming breath and tried again.

“We need to see a patient who was brought here by helicopter from the Monza circuit. It should have arrived here well before us. He's a driver. His name is Sebastian Vettel.”

“I can't give out any information,” echoed the woman, barely raising her eyes from the computer screen in front of her.

“No, you don't understand. We just need you to tell us where to go to find him.”

“I can't give out any information. If you'd like to take a seat...”

“I don't want to take a seat. I want you to tell us where we need to go. Where he is being treated. Is it A&E? Or is there a trauma centre? Just tell us where to go and we'll leave you in peace.”

 

Britta was trying to remain calm and not shout at the woman. She was pretty sure her language skills were good enough to be comprehended, the receptionist simply didn't seem interested in listening to her.

“I cannot give out information to anyone other than his family.”

“Right, so he is here then?” noted Britta.

The woman looked up sharply, annoyed with herself for being tricked into confirming that when she had been warned by hospital administration not to.

“We're not just anyone,” insisted Britta. “I work with him, I'm part of his team.”

She plucked at her RedBull uniform to demonstrate.

“Family only,” repeated the woman blankly.

Britta turned around and pointed at Mark.

“He is family.”

The woman peered over at Mark and frowned.

“Family?”

“As good as.”

The woman raised an eyebrow at Britta. She was evidently trying to trick her again.

“They're together. Mark, he's Seb's boyfriend. They're a couple. You must recognise him. You must have heard of them?”

Britta knew for a fact that Seb and Mark had been all over the Italian media since their coming out. Surely there was no way even someone without the slightest interest in the sport could have missed all that?

 

The woman shrugged and Britta had fight the urge to reach over the desk, grab her by the cardigan and shake the woman. She was behaving as if this was just another annoying diversion in her humdrum day, another demanding visitor who had no right to be asking these unnecessary unreasonable things of her. She didn't seem to care in the slightest how anxious they were to reach Sebastian.

“Boyfriend is not family,” stated the woman as if she was an authority on the matter.

 

Mark stepped forwards.

“What is she saying? Where is he?”

Britta shook her head, not wishing to alarm him at how obstructive the woman was being.

“I'm not getting very far. It'll be alright. We'll sort it in a minute,” she reassured.

 

Britta turned back to the woman and fixed her with her steeliest authoritative stare.

“Can you please fetch someone who can speak either German or English who can assist us here?” she asked, hoping that it was the language barrier that was the issue.

The woman hesitated and then decided that this situation would be far better if it was someone else's problem. She picked up the phone on her desk, speaking too quickly for Britta to follow, before addressing her again.

“Please take a seat over there.”

She pointed to a row of plastic chairs that were currently unoccupied in the middle of a sunny Sunday afternoon.

“Is someone coming?”

“I have requested. Please take a seat.”

 

Britta took a calming breath, knowing that escalating the situation would do no good. She turned around and fixed on something close to a smile for Mark.

“We just need to wait a moment. Come and have a sit down.”

Mark wanted to protest, but Doc Phillips took his elbow and he had nothing in him to resist being led to sit and wait.

  


A few minutes later a male in his thirties appeared. Britta had no idea what his role was but he consulted with the woman and looked over at the group who leapt up to go over to the desk.

The man looked at them and the receptionist indicated Britta.

“You ask for speaking English?” he offered.

“Yes. Or German.”

“I speak English.”

“Okay. Great.”

 

Britta was about to make a start when Mark intervened.

“We need to see Sebastian Vettel,” stated Mark in a slow voice, trying to make himself clear. “He's been brought here from the race.”

“You are family?” the man asked.

“Yes,” stated Mark firmly.

 

The receptionist pulled a face and started speaking rapid Italian to her colleague, clearly contradicting Mark. She looked at Britta.

“Before, you say no,” the receptionist challenged in Italian.

“I didn't say no. I said as good as. It's...”

Britta looked at Mark struggling to explain their relationship to strangers.

“He _is_ family to Seb,” she attempted in Italian.

 

The man looked at Mark and continued in English.

“I am told his family are flying in. Who are you?”

Mark was suddenly stumped as to what to say. Who was he to Seb? His brain was dulled by anxiety and he couldn't seem to get the right words lined up in his head.

'I'm his, he's mine,' was all Mark could think.

Britta looked at the man still wondering how on earth they couldn't know who Mark and Seb were.

“He's Seb's boyfriend.”

She tried repeating the word in Italian and saw the two staff share a look that made Britta angrier than she could stand right now.

 

“This is not _family_ ,” stated the man in English, as if this was a minor matter of semantics and not cruelly keeping someone from knowing if the person they loved was alive or dead.

Mark snapped and banged his hand down on the desk.

“I am bloody family. We _are_ family. You have to let me see him! He needs me.”

The staff members jumped and glared at Mark, who Britta could see was getting more and more upset. She placed a calming hand on Mark's arm and looked at him.

“It's okay.”

Mark looked at her, now on the point of tears.

“It's not. They have to let me see him. Why won't they? Why can't they understand?”

He took a shuddery breath and Mark's hand shook as he pushed away an escaping tear.

“Fuck. We are family. He's everything. He's my whole world. Please, they have to let me see him. I have to be with him,” Mark tried to explain in a shaky voice, far more quiet now.

He looked at the hospital staff, desperately trying to appeal to them.

“Please. He needs me. We _are_ family,” Mark insisted, trying to be less confrontational in the hope that they might help him.

 

The man seemed to be weakening slightly, but the woman looked unmoved and Britta wondered if she understood more English than she was letting on.

“The rules...” the man tried.

Mark set his jaw. Rules? Fucking bureaucracy was standing in their way? How could there be _rules_ stopping him from seeing Seb? He could be dying right now and Mark wasn't with him. Mark could be stood here trapped arguing with a couple of jobsworths while Seb needed him. Seb always needed him. Mark was the one to help him feel better. Surely if he was with him then Seb would be better for it?

He wanted to rip up the desk, push these heartless pen-pushers out of the way and sprint to Sebastian, but he didn't know where to go to find him.

 

Britta tried to reason with them to make them understand.

“They live together, it's not just... Boyfriend isn't the right word. Does _partner_ make sense? Do you understand what I'm saying? They're serious. Seb would want Mark with him.”

Dr. Phillips tried to bring his status into play.

“My name is Dr. Phillips. I'm the team doctor. Sebastian has Mark officially listed as his next of kin, for medical purposes and anything else. Is that plain enough for you? Sebastian has made his intentions clear.”

That seemed to have some effect as the man listened to him.

“I make a call. Please wait.”

 

Mark gritted his teeth and wanted to scream at them. They were wasting time. He didn't know if they _had_ time.

“Please, can you at least tell me if he's okay?” he implored.

The man finally looked to be relenting, then shook his head.

“I call. Please wait. I'm sorry.”

 

He walked back behind the desk and Britta succeeded in pulling Mark away over to the chairs. She rubbed his arm and looked at him, trying to sound confident.

“We'll sort this. Seb's gonna be fine. They'll be treating him now,” Britta reassured.

Mark nodded, trying to keep it together. Seb would need him to do that, so he could help him when he saw him, which would be soon, it had to be soon. Seb would be okay, he _had_ to be okay.

He closed his eyes and tried to shut out his fears and the sense that he was trapped in a waking nightmare, stuck in this sterile anonymous waiting room like some kind of dystopian hell.

  


  


Britta pulled out her phone and started dialling, deciding she needed back-up. The woman on the desk pointed bluntly to the sign indicating that use of mobile phones was forbidden. Britta restrained herself from giving the woman the look she deserved and turned to Mark who had his head dipped down at the floor.

“I just need to step out for a second. I'll be right back.”

She looked at Dr. Phillips.

“Get me if...”

“I will.”

 

He looked at Mark as Britta got up and walked to the exit.

“Mark, are you okay? Can I get you anything?”

Mark gave a fractional shake of his head. He only wanted one thing and it seemed he couldn't have it.

“Is there anything you want to ask me?”

Mark lifted his head.

“Is there anything you can tell me?”

Dr. Phillips paused, trying to think what might be helpful.

“I could tell you what they'll be doing. What they will have done at the track to take care of him?”

“Sorry. I just need to see him. I need to know how he is.”

The doctor nodded, understanding that abstracts were of no help to Mark right now, nor was any kind of speculation as to what Sebastian's condition might be.

The lapsed back into waiting in silence.

 

  


  


Just outside the front doors Britta paced up and down the pavement on the phone to Christian.

“What do you mean they won't let you in?” asked Christian sounding shocked.

“They say family only. They won't accept Mark is family,” explained Britta.

“Oh hell.”

Christian hadn't even considered this possibility. It only occurred to him now that the close relationship that was so obvious to them was harder to define to outsiders.

“You have to do something. Mark is losing his mind with worry.”

Christian sighed. This situation got more horrendous with every moment.

“Pull some strings, call contacts, _do_ something,” demanded Britta in frustration, sounding far less calm than she had inside.

“Yeah. I will. I'll sort it,” promised Christian.

Britta nodded.

“Seb's family?”

“They're on their way to the airport.”

“Okay.”

“I'll fix this, then I'll be with you as soon as possible.”

“Thank you.”

Britta hung up to go back in and Christian was already dialling Bernie Ecclestone's number to cash in whatever favours he had owing to resolve this god-awful problem.

  


 

 

  


Ten minutes later a harassed looking man in his early fifties appeared in reception, busily straightening his tie as he entered the room and trying not to look as rattled as he was to have just received a phone-call from a government minister no less, telling him to go down and prevent a public relations disaster resulting. He wasn't even meant to be here today, he'd only come in to get some paperwork out of the way while it was quiet. His boss ought to be dealing with this but of course the Chief Administrator wasn't in on a weekend. Typical.

 

He stepped over to the group and the three of them rose to meet him.

“Please, my profound apologies. This has been a mistake. I am afraid we take patient confidentiality very seriously. We did not realise...”

Mark wasn't interested in excuses.

“Can you take us to him?”

“Yes, of course, please come with me.”

Mark let out a relieved sigh and Britta put one arm around him to give him a quick hug as they walked over to the lift.

 _Thank god,_ thought Britta. The other man had disappeared without seeming to achieve anything and another five minutes of seeing that woman looking at them as if they were making her reception area untidy and there would be another person requiring emergency treatment around here.

 

  


  


  


Mark stood watching the little numbers on the lift panel illuminating in order. They seemed to be in the slowest lift in the entire world and no one was talking, all numb with unspoken fears. The lift doors pinged open and they exited into another bland empty corridor, its walls filled with signs Mark couldn't understand. The only bits he understood was 'neuro' and something that looked like 'intensive' appearing in parts of some of the words.

The administrator marched them down to another waiting area, spoke to a nurse on the desk and then took them into a small room lined with regulation cushioned seating. It was clearly a space reserved for yet more waiting and worrying. Mark wasn't sure he could take any more of that. There was another door off this room and he thought that surely that had to be where Sebastian was.

“Please, where is he? I need to see him?” Mark pleaded.

The man looked back over at the desk.

“I think... They take him for scan. I will check. Please, one moment.”

He scurried off to consult with the nurse and then returned.

“One more moment, I am sorry.”

The man turned the door's handle and disappeared inside. Mark forced himself not to barge in after him and let Britta pull his arm to sit down once more.

 

The man came back out, closing the door behind him and none of them had chance to see what was beyond it.

“Forgive me. I need to be clear; You are Mark Webber, yes?”

“Yes.”

He looked at the other two.

“I am Britta Roeske, Sebastian's assistant, I have worked with him for years, this is Dr. Phillips the team doctor.”

He nodded, then disappeared again.

“For _godsake_ ,” let out Mark.

How didn't they know that this was killing him?

 

The administrator emerged this time accompanied by two male doctors.

“This is Drs Vizzino e Marrianti, they are...” the man paused, struggling for the correct terminology in English. “Specialists, Neuro... Trauma...”

He looked at Dr. Phillips who nodded back that it made enough sense. Their actual terms didn't matter to Mark.

They stuck out hands to be shaken and Mark managed to do so without yelling at them that this was no time for polite manners. He had to keep himself together for Seb's sake.

“Please, sit,” offered one of the doctors. “My colleague, he speaks only Italian. I do not speak German.”

“English is fine,” settled Britta.

“Very well.”

The three staff member sat on seats opposite them. Mark clasped his hands tightly together to stop them from shaking, he didn't notice Britta's hand still resting on his arm.

He looked over at the doctors, desperate for them to speak and terrified of what they were about to tell him.

 

“We are still assessing Sebastian's condition and we cannot give you any clear diagnosis at this time. There are only minor physical injuries on the body; From the impact, bruising from the seatbelts. It is the trauma to Sebastian's brain that is of most concern. He remains comatose and unresponsive.”

Mark was compelling himself to listen to the words and not let panic overrun him.

Dr. Phillips asked a question he hoped would help.

“It is my understanding that he was sedated at the track.”

“Yes, as this wears off we will have a better understanding of the extent of the trauma to his brain.”

Mark gripped his hands tighter together. He felt sick again, it was too hot in here, why did no one open windows in hospitals?

 

“He suffered an extreme deceleration, the forces of which the body is not designed. For now, we do...” he hesitated and looked at Dr. Phillips. “Head CT scan?”

“Yes CT scan,” confirmed Dr. Phillips.

He looked at Mark.

“You understand what that is, right?”

Mark nodded tightly, he knew enough. He needed to know what they had found.

“The scan, it shows no immediate signs of danger, no haematomas.”

Dr. Phillips nodded again to confirm the term.

“And no sign of swelling, but we must monitor very closely as it can develop later.”

Doc Phillips looked at Mark.

“This means no bleeding internally, no intra-cranial swelling between the brain and the skull. This is good.”

“But it could start?” queried Mark anxiously.

Dr. Phillips gave an awkward tip of the head. With brain injuries almost anything was possible.

“We monitor very carefully,” assured the Italian doctor. “He has steady heartrate now and blood pressure remains stable.”

“So he's stable?” checked Britta.

“His vital signs are stable, but after such a severe accident it is too soon and too uncertain. In this period we must say his condition is still critical.”

 

Mark felt as though what little air there was in the room had been sucked out. _Critical_. Oh Christ.

Britta was looking at him with concern, seeing how uneven Mark's breathing was.

“Will you be doing an MRI scan?” enquired Dr. Phillips.

“Sì, but for now we wait.”

Mark pulled himself back.

“Why?”

“It's a more detailed scan,” explained Dr. Phillips. “They need to concentrate on the most urgent matters for now to monitor him and make sure his condition doesn't deteriorate.”

“Okay.” Mark tried to blank out the word deteriorate. “Please can I see him?”

The two doctors looked at one another and the administrator gave them a prompting nod.

“Sì.”

  


 

Everyone stood and the doctors led them through the door into a private room, the windows shaded by half-closed blinds. In the centre of the room was the bed and as Mark looked over he had to use all his self-control to stop himself from quaking from head to toe.

His Seb, propped up slightly in the hospital bed with his eyes closed, wires and tubes everywhere, machines with little displays and flashing lights. He had an oxygen mask on and the sight unnerved Mark.

“They said he was breathing?” Mark managed unevenly.

He was still stood a few feet away, almost afraid to get closer for reasons Mark couldn't work out.

The English speaking doctor nodded.

“He is breathing on his own, we remove the intubation tube. This is for oxygen, to help, to give to the brain,” explained.

Mark nodded. It was just a precaution. That was okay. He shouldn't let himself panic. All this equipment was just designed to monitor Seb and make sure he was okay to keep him safe.

“We consider is best in the circumstances. The paramedics report he does not lose much time and they provide oxygen throughout.”

Dr. Phillips frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“When he was down. They say the medics at the track, they work together before they put him on the helicopter, to make sure he is stabilized to fly, that they have steady heart-rate again before they move him.”

 

Mark turned from gazing at Sebastian to look at the English and Italian doctors, trying to understand what they were discussing. Again? What did they mean, _again?_

Dr. Marrianti looked equally confused at their failure to comprehend and he wondered if he was not using the correct English.

“After they take Sebastian out of the car. It is shock of the accident to the body; this is why his heart stops. The cardiac arrest; They got him back very quickly, when they resuscitate, they shock, the race doctors use the defibrillator and he comes straight back, he was not down long, only seconds I am told...”

 

Mark couldn't hear the doctor continue. Electric lights were invading his eyes and the little flashes on all the machines were strobing.

 

He was sitting in a seat by the bed and Mark didn't remember getting there. Mark blinked several times at Britta who was ducked down at his side, her hand still on his arm from where she had caught a hold of him as he swayed and deposited him safely into the chair.

“Mark are you okay?”

Mark blinked again and tried to swallow. His throat was dry.

“I'm... Yeah.”

Britta turned around.

“Can someone get him some water please?”

A nurse stood on the other side of the bed that Mark hadn't noticed until now went to move but the administrator shook his head.

“Lo farò,” he indicated to the nurse, telling her would go instead, knowing her role was obviously far more important monitoring Sebastian's condition and left the room.

Dr. Phillips looked at Mark to check he was alright, then turned to the Italian doctors who looked stricken.

“Forgive me, I thought you knew? They said you came from the circuit. I thought you were aware...” trailed off Dr. Marrianti apologetically.

Dr. Phillips shook his head.

“I am so sorry. I am very sorry. Please. I assumed they tell you before you leave.”

 

Mark wasn't listening. He was staring at Sebastian, so much closer to him now as he sat by the bed. The ECG machine screen was flashing regularly, telling them that Seb's heart was beating steadily now, but it had stopped before. Seb's heart had _stopped_ at the track.

He had died. That's what it meant; His heart had stopped and that meant Sebastian had died, if only for a few seconds. If the doctors hadn't been there, if they hadn't treated him quickly, if it hadn't worked, he'd be dead. Sebastian would be dead and Mark's life would be over.

  


He tentatively reached up to touch Sebastian's hand that lay beside his body on the bed. Mark didn't know why he was afraid to touch Seb, as if the doctors would shout at him and tell him no, he mustn't do that; Seb was too fragile and the tiniest movement might break him.

Nobody said anything, so Mark let his fingers rest over Sebastian's, then with scrupulous care not to move Seb's arm where a drip was feeding in, Mark slipped his fingers around Seb's and let them touch, not daring to squeeze in case it harmed him in some unknowable way.

Seb's skin was warm. It was warm because blood was pumping around his body, fired by his heart. If they had not restarted it, Mark would be holding a cold hand now.

The thought overwhelmed him and Mark let his head sag closer to the bed, unable to stop tears falling, but trying to hold his body still so he didn't accidentally cause any movement to Sebastian.

 

The Italian doctor continued, talking more to Dr. Phillips than Mark.

“They report he had a pulse in the car and they extract him, but when he is on the ground, it stops, perhaps it is delayed shock, or the movement of position out of the car, they do not know. They already have the oxygen ready so he does not suffer more damage.”

Dr Phillips nodded.

“You don't think his brain was starved of oxygen?”

“There is no indication, but is difficult to tell how severe the injury... The scan does not show all, no two brain traumas are the same. It is such a delicate organ.”

He nodded again. Dr Phillips wasn't a specialist in this area, but he knew enough.

“You are waiting to see when he wakes up?”

“Sì. The sedative drugs should wear off in his system. At the moment, he is very low on the GCS score, on the measurements we take to assess severity,” continued the doctor, knowing that he was half addressing a medical man and half lay people.

“Until he wakes we cannot know for sure. He is breathing independently, this is very good. His pupils are even, this is also good.”

“Are they reactive?” checked Dr. Phillips.

“Sì. To light, sì, the pupils expand and retract, this is good. They are good signs, but until he wakes...”

The doctor left off, not wishing to say that they were hoping that Sebastian would wake, but they did not know that would happen, nor how soon, and this too was vital.

“For now he remains comatose. It is the body's reaction to being under too much strain, and to try to save from further shock and distress.”

 

Mark lifted his head at that. It sounded familiar and it gave him a fraction of hope. That was what Seb did; He shut down under extreme stress, to protect himself from his own body over-reacting and running out of control.

Mark looked at Sebastian, at all those terrible wires and tubes attached to him and that horrible mask covering his mouth and nose. It was still him underneath all that, it was still his Seb and he was still in there. He was still hanging on and he would come back to Mark like he always did.

 

His thumb lay over the top of Seb's hand and Mark moved it just a few millimetres back and forth so Seb would feel it and know he was there.

He turned to look at the others in the room.

“He'll be okay. He'll wake up. He always does,” Mark explained.

Britta gave Mark's arm a gentle rub where she crouched by him.

“Of course he will,” she reassured.

  


The administrator returned and Britta stood up to take the water from him to pass to Mark, putting it carefully into his spare hand.

Mark sipped the water for a moment, tasting now the disgusting vomit that had been in his mouth earlier. He drank a little more to cleanse his mouth, then passed it back, concerned that he couldn't hold the flimsy plastic cup without spilling it when he still felt shaky.

Britta took the water and stood by Mark's side, her hand now resting on his shoulder, trying to offer what comfort she could.

“He'll be okay Mark. The doctors at the circuit, they know what they're doing, they'll have taken care of him, they got there straight away to treat him, they'll have done everything right to give him the very best chance...” she drifted off, unable to complete that sentence.

“He'll be okay,” nodded Mark. “He'll wake up, you'll see.”

Mark looked at the Italians who didn't know Sebastian, and he spoke as if he was explaining something very simple that they didn't understand.

“He always wakes up. He'll wake up in a minute and he'll be okay. He just needs a minute, he's just asleep. He'll wake up. He always wakes up...”

 

Mark turned back to Sebastian and concentrated instead on continuing to rub his hand as gently as he could.

“He'll wake up in a minute,” Mark repeated blankly.

He smiled at Sebastian with tears in his eyes that Mark blinked back so he could concentrate on him, hardly noticing the rest of the occupants of the room as he spoke to Seb directly.

“You'll wake up in a minute, won't you darling? You just need to sleep a little bit longer and then you'll be okay. Just five more minutes sweetheart and then you'll wake up for me won't you Seb?” Mark coaxed.

 

Britta looked over at Dr. Phillips with alarm plain on her face. Mark wasn't making sense now. He just kept repeating the same confused words as if he wasn't aware he was doing it, almost as if he was talking to himself and trying to convince himself that it was true.

Dr. Phillips gave her a tiny shake of his head. Mark was in shock. There wasn't much they could do for him. If saying these things comforted him in his distress there was no point contradicting him and telling Mark that there was a vast difference between lying unconscious in a coma and having a little nap. Reality was perhaps too brutal for Mark to handle right now when confronted with the sight of the person he loved in such a state and on hearing the harrowing information that Sebastian had suffered cardiac arrest, no matter how briefly, following the crash. Dr. Phillips could scarcely believe the way they had blundered into finding that out. Poor Mark, no wonder he was a mess.

 

“Perhaps we should wait outside?” suggested Dr. Phillips.

Britta tried to get Mark's attention for a moment.

“Mark do you want me to stay with you?”

“Hm?”

Mark turned to her for a second then returned to Seb.

“We'll be just outside,” decided Britta. “I'll get you a cup of tea.”

That was what you did for shock wasn't it? thought Britta: Tea with sugar.

As if that was going to make Mark feel better right now. As if anything could make him feel better except Seb doing what Mark kept saying he would; Wake up and be fine.

Dr. Phillips removed his team jacket and handed it to Britta as she stood up, who draped it over Mark's shoulders. Mark barely seemed to notice as he continued to gaze at Sebastian and stroke his hand, still repeating more quietly now.

“You'll wake up in a minute, won't you darling? You always wake up...”

 

Britta and Dr. Phillips left the room, the Italians conferred briefly then the doctors spoke with the nurse, checked Sebastian's vital signs once more and gave the nurse more instructions before the English speaking doctor spoke to Mark even though he was aware Mark wasn't really listening.

“The nurse, she is monitoring his condition, she will stay. She does not speak English, so...” he left off, knowing Mark had no time for anyone but Sebastian.

 

  


  


  


Ten minutes later Britta sat still waiting for the cup of tea the administrator had promised her. The doctors had been in and out of Seb's room, but they had nothing to report and she didn't want to intrude on Mark. She looked up and saw Christian approaching and jumped to her feet.

“Christian.”

He reached the little ante-room, looking stressed and somewhat relieved to have finally made it here. Christian leant in and gave Britta firm long hug, before letting go and nodding at Doc Phillips.

“God, I'm so sorry. The traffic, and there's press all outside,” he excused.

“Press? How did they find out he was here?”

“It's the designated hospital for the track. I didn't tell them anything. I just said we'd update them when we could.”

Britta nodded. She had forgotten all about those sort of things that normally were part of her job. Looking after Sebastian was always her main task.

 

They sat down and Christian took a moment to calm down after spending the past half hour fighting his emotions, fighting for information, fighting to keep everything going, fighting to get the help he needed and then fighting to get here and having to fight his way through to get to the damn door.

The hospital had posted security on the doors and he had to fight to get past them too. Then the damn woman on the desk had been worse than useless. He'd had to call the hospital from _inside_ the hospital to get someone senior down to show him where he needed to be. When the receptionist had objected to his use of a phone, Christian had been so stressed out he'd told her to go to hell and he was pretty sure she'd understood his tone, if not his language. Complete fucking nightmare.

 

“Is there any update?” asked Christian the two of them.

“Nothing on the scans. They won't confirm he's stable yet, but essentially it's hopeful at least; He's unconscious, but breathing on his own and vital signs are steady,” informed Dr. Phillips.

“Right. Good. Thank god.”

Britta looked at him, trying not to be too accusatory.

“Christian, how could you not tell us that Seb went into cardiac arrest?”

Christian paused.

“I didn't know at the time.”

“When I spoke to you?”

“In the garage,” admitted Christian.

He sighed and ran a hand though his hair.

“I couldn't tell you over the phone. I couldn't do that to you.”

Britta's face tightened as she tried suppress feeling angry at the mishandling of the situation. Christian looked terrible. She knew he was trying to manage a dreadful business, but it had been such a shock.

“They thought we knew. They just dropped that bombshell on Mark without any warning when we were in there.”

“Oh fuck.”

“Yeah.”

 

Britta sighed out a breath and shook her head.

“I thought he was going to keel over. It was awful.”

She looked at Christian seriously.

“He's in a bad way; Mark I mean. He wasn't making any sense. He just kept saying Seb would wake up in a minute, he always woke up. Over and over.”

She looked over to Dr. Phillips for support.

“Mark is in shock,” contributed Doc Phillips.

“I wasn't sure what to do,” Britta added.

“Is he in there on his own?”

“There's a nurse,” noted Dr. Phillips.

“Right,” nodded Christian.

Poor bloody Mark. What a devastating thing to hear so carelessly. He'd fucked up. Christian had been trying so hard to handle everything and he'd fucked up perhaps the most important bit. Maybe he should have come with Britta, but it was too late now.

 

  


Out of nowhere the administrator appeared baring the cup on tea he had promised ages ago. Britta presumed he'd gone all the way to England for it.

“Thank you. This is Christian Horner. He's the team boss. This is... I'm sorry I never asked your name,” realised Britta.

“It is Paul Rezzioni. I am the deputy administrator here. My boss he is coming in, but apparently there is bad traffic.”

 

There had been a mass exodus almost as soon as the race termination had been announced, with well over 100,000 fans leaving the circuit at once, in no mood to hang around after the accident and the surrounding area was completely clogged.

 

Christian stood to offer his hand.

“I met your colleague downstairs. Carlo Priete. I asked him not to let anyone else up here. There will be people coming from the FIA, but they can wait downstairs along with anyone else...”  
Christian knew the place was about to be inundated. If that woman on the desk thought she had trouble before, she was about to find out that was nothing.

“I said that if there are race medical personal, perhaps you can organise any liaison with the doctors here?”

“Of course. Can I do anything now? Would you like me to get the doctors who are treating him?”

“Are they with him?”

“It's just the nurse,” reminded Britta.

“Oh of course. Yes, perhaps, if they are not too busy that would be good. Is it okay if I go through for a minute?” Christian checked.

“Of course. I will find them,” agreed Rezzioni.

 

As he walked away Britta handed Christian the cup of tea.

“It's for Mark,” she explained.

“Right. Yeah, okay.”

Christian took the tea and tried to mentally prepare himself before he walked in.

 

  


Despite himself Christian felt shocked at the scene before him the moment he walked through the door. To see his driver, prone on the bed, all that medical machinery surrounding plugged into him like he was a car in the garage. It was the stuff of nightmares.

He nodded at the nurse who seemed busy with her charts and approached Mark who was sat facing Sebastian and hadn't turned around to see who had entered the room. The doctors had been in and out, Mark ignored them and focussed on Seb.

Christian walked around so that he could dip down by Mark who finally moved his head to look at him.

“Hey Mark,” greeted Christian as quietly and gently as possible.

He looked at Mark's tear-stained face and felt his own face go tight. Shit, Mark looked terrible.

“Mark, I'm so sorry.”

 

Christian's voice caught and he wasn't sure what he was apologising for; His horrendous fuck-up over not telling him what had happened; The fault that surely must have been in the car; That this could happen at all in this day and age.

Mark looked at him and it was taking a moment to register that it was Christian, and not one of the doctors or Britta as he had been expecting.

Christian remembered the cup of tea and lifted it to pass to Mark, only noticing then the way Mark was holding onto Sebastian's hand.

Mark took the proffered cup with his other hand and looked at it as if he'd never seen tea before.

“Thanks,” managed Mark, his voice sounding strangely disconnected.

“I brought your things, yours and Seb's from his room. They're downstairs with my stuff in an office, but I'll bring them up. Do you need anything?”

Mark shook his head. He didn't need anything. He was with Seb, now he just needed him to wake up and they'd be fine.

“Seb's mum and dad are on their way. They should be on a plane now.”

Christian glanced at his watch.

“Maybe half six by the time they arrive.”

 

Mark seemed to snap back into life.

“Oh god, I didn't call them. I should have called them.”

“It's okay Mark. _I_ called them. I called them as soon as I'd spoken to you,” reassured Christian evenly.

“It should have been me. I should have called them. They must be frantic,” worried Mark.

“It's fine, they understand. Don't worry Mark. They know you're looking after Seb for them, it's okay.”

Mark nodded, then he realised what Christian had said and he frowned.

“Just his mum and dad?”

“Yes. They thought it was best. They decided his little brother would get too upset, and his sisters are staying with him.”

Mark furrowed his brow even deeper. That didn't sound right to him. Fabian would be so frightened, poor kid. He loved his brother so much, he'd want to see him. Surely that was better than wondering what was going on so far away? But they were his parents and they must know best. Perhaps they weren't up to looking after Fabian and dealing with this at the same time. It wasn't his call.

“Hm, okay,” agreed Mark.

A couple of hours yet before they'd get here. He didn't envy them enduring that journey, not knowing what they would find at the other end. Mark couldn't phone them now if they were travelling.

 

“Oh shit, my family.”

He hadn't called them either. Mark wasn't sure if they would have been watching the race, but they'd know what had happened soon enough. They'd be almost as distressed as Seb's family and Mark hadn't thought of them at all, he selfishly hadn't thought of anyone but himself and his need to be with Seb.

Christian looked at him calmly, feeling oddly better at reassuring someone else and managing to take charge again.

“I called them Mark. I knew they would be worried. I told them you were at the hospital and they said to say not to worry about them, that you should take care of Seb and yourself.”

“You spoke to my family?” echoed Mark.

“Your parents. They said they'd call your sister. I hope I did the right thing?” checked Christian.

“Of course. Thank you.”

“I only told them that Seb had been brought here and basic information about his condition. I gave more to Seb's parents.”

Mark nodded.

“They said I wasn't family. Downstairs. They didn't want to let me in. They wouldn't tell me anything. They wouldn't let me come to him.”

Christian sighed. “Yeah, Britta said. I'm sorry Mark. I can't imagine...”

 

Christian looked at Mark, full of regret at how he was suffering.

“I'm so sorry I didn't speak to you as soon as I heard what had happened with Seb. They didn't tell me until after you'd left and... I thought it would be better in person, I didn't realise... I thought I should tell you here, or at least that the doctors wouldn't just say it like that... It was stupid and thoughtless of me. I'm sorry Mark.”

Mark shook his head slightly. What did it matter? All that mattered was that Seb was going to recover.

“He's going to be okay,” insisted Mark.

Christian nodded.

 

He looked at Sebastian and tried to focus on the fact that his chest was moving up and down on its own. They said they'd intubated him at the track, but he only seemed to have an oxygen mask now, so that was an improvement. His skin looked an odd colour though, strangely waxen. Christian didn't know what to make of that, but he certainly wasn't going to comment on it to Mark.

“Of course he is,” agreed Christian, still using a quiet voice as if he might wake Sebastian, which was ironic seeing as that was precisely what they _wanted_ to happen.

“He always wakes up,” Mark repeated, as if this would make sense to Christian.

“Yes... I'll give you some space. We'll be outside.”

“He's stronger than anyone knows.”

 

Christian stood and regarded Mark, thinking he knew Sebastian better than anybody and hoped Mark was right. He looked at Sebastian and then the heart monitor. Everything Seb had been through and now this when they were just starting to seem happy. It was so bloody unfair.

He gave Mark a tight smile and squeezed his shoulder as he walked away, nodding at the nurse again who was doing a good job of fading into the furniture as he closed the door behind him.

  


  


“How is he?” asked Britta.

Christian puffed out a breath as he sat.

“Seb or Mark?”

“Either, both?”

Christian shrugged.

“No change as far as I can tell.”

Seb was out of it and Mark was a wreck. In truth Christian hadn't expected anything different.

 

Dr. Phillips looked over.

“You know that the longer he's in a coma...”

“Yes. I know.”

The longer Sebastian remained unconscious, the more worrying it was, the more severe the possible brain injury and grave the potential consequences. Christian prayed Mark was right and Seb was as strong as he said he was and that he would wake up soon. The alternative didn't bare contemplating.

  


 

 

  


  


  


Time seemed to have no meaning to Mark. He sat there, staring at Seb, hoping that any moment those eyes would flicker open like they always did and he could remove that horrible mask and talk to Seb, reassure him, let him know he was alright.

He was supposed to protect Seb and he hadn't. He had failed him. Again and again terrible things kept happening to Sebastian and Mark was powerless to prevent them hurting him.

 

He stroked his thumb a little further back and forth.

“Can you hear me sweetheart? I'm here. It's your rock, dein Fels. I'm here. I won't leave you. I'll never leave you.” he promised in a hush Seb couldn't hear.

“Please Seb, you have to wake up now, it's time. Your parents are coming. They need to see you awake. Please darling.”

Mark's voice shook and he tried to reign it in.

He sniffed and realised he was crying again. He couldn't make it stop. Mark went to wipe his face and realised he was still holding the cup of tea Christian had given him. Mark didn't want it, but he was worried that if he put it down the liquid might get knocked over and somehow damage the equipment that Seb depended on, so he swallowed the vile cold sweet drink that tasted almost but not entirely unlike tea, then put the empty cup down on the floor by his chair. Then Mark reached up and brushed the dampness on his face away. Crying did no good. It didn't help Seb, but then it seemed as there was nothing he could do to help him, only wait. So he would wait.

  


 

  


  


  


The group outside stood quietly consulting with the doctors once more.

“We think it is time to do the additional scan,” informed Dr. Marrianti.

“The MRI?” checked Dr. Phillips.

“Sì. We were concerned that he might suffer further cardiac problems and have been monitoring closely to forestall any relapse, but so far there has been no further issue. We have spoken with the medical staff downstairs who were there treating him at the track and we are assured that although he stops breathing during the arrest, they provide respiration. This is good because after a crash with such force applied within the body, he is especially vulnerable and even for a short time, loss of oxygen supply could have been catastrophic.”

 

Christian puffed a breath. 'Catastrophic' was not a word you ever want to hear a doctor using.

 

“You said there was no indication of brain damage?” Christian recalled.

All the doctors looked at him and Christian felt like the stupid kid at school.

“With such a crash it is unlikely there is no damage. He would not still be comatose after two hours. Sebastian remains at the lowest level of the responsiveness and shows no sign of improvement. We need to establish if intra-cranial pressure has been elevated, if there are signs of lesions or contusions...”

The doctor looked at Christian and Britta and explained.

“...tissue damage, tearing or bruising causing bleeding. This will let us know if surgery is required.”

The two non-medical people in the room shared the same look; All of this was bad. All of this was a big black hole of terrifyingly _bad_ possibilities.

The doctor read their faces and tried to reassure them as much as he could.

“For now, there are no indications of a worsening, but at this point his injury is classified as moderate, with good signs based on his continued steady vital signs and the fact that they are operating independently. Sebastian's brain is working, it is keeping him alive, but we must make sure that we are not missing anything so we can work to try to treat the problem before it is too late.”

 

Bloody hell, thought Christian, no wonder they had scared the wits out of Mark. Every time they told you anything good, they immediately reminded you that you couldn't rely on it and that things could get far worse at any moment.

The doctors went in to speak to the nurse on the desk to arrange things and then returned to enter Seb's room to speak to Mark. The other hovering around the open door.

“I have to go with him,” insisted Mark.

“I'm afraid you cannot go into the scanning room.”

“He needs me with him.”

“It is not possible. You must let us treat Sebastian.”

Dr. Phillips took a step inside the room.

“If we might wait outside? I will go with Mark, then I can talk him through it,” offered Dr. Phillips.

Dr. Marrianti nodded, not wishing to create any more problems.

Two orderlies appeared behind the group in the doorway and the made a path to allow the process of moving Sebastian to begin.

  


  


  


As the lift doors closed Christian turned back to Britta.

“We need to start preparing a statement for the media.”

Britta sighed and went to look out of the window. It was hard to see how the media were anyone's priority at this point. She couldn't see any of them from up here, but then she had worked out they were at the side of the hospital and presumably the media were gathered at the front, hopefully giving that cow on the front desk a headache.

“I know you're worried about Sebastian Britta. I'm worried about him, but we do need to put something together. The FIA have already released something in conjunction with the track.

Britta turned back around.

“Oh god. What did they say?”

“Enough to whip up that lot in front. Vague enough to leave them digging for more. We need to be specific and honest without giving too much personal detail. Can you help me?” appealed Christian, knowing that Britta's intelligence and experience was what he needed now, that plus her never wavering professionalism. It would also give them something to occupy their time which might do something to distract both of them from their worries, if only temporarily.

“We can't release anything before Seb's parents arrive,” Britta began.

Christian didn't smile, but he'd known she would never abandon her post.

“Thank you. No, of course we won't, but we need to get it ready, then we can run it by them and Mark before we give it to the mob.”

Britta nodded and they sat down to start work. Christian pushed over her bag from the collection of assorted belongings they now had in the corner of the ante-room they had taken over and she pulled out her laptop.

“I'm guessing there's all kinds of rumours going around already so we need to be straight with people, but not full of jargon. People need to understand what we're saying. There are folk out there, fans, all kinds of people who will be genuinely worrying for Seb,” she started.

Christian nodded.

“I know. Lots of people. I don't suppose he has any idea how many.”

 

Britta stopped running through appropriate language to use in her head and looked at Christian.

“He is going to be okay, isn't he?” she asked anxiously.

Christian raised an eyebrow at her.

“When was the last time you knew Sebastian to quit at anything?”

The tiniest smile broke over Britta's face.

“Never.”

She switched on her computer and they started work.

 

  


  


  


  


Mark sat outside in a hallway with Dr. Phillips. Waiting again, everything seemed to be about waiting. Waiting and not knowing and worrying. They had been sat in silence since Sebastian had been taken through, but Dr. Phillips was wondering if there was anything helpful he could say to help Mark.

“You understand what they'll doing in there?” he checked.

Mark nodded. Well enough anyway. He wasn't really interesting in the science, he just wanted to know that Seb was okay.

“And what they're looking for?”

Mark paused.

“Bleeding, right? Brain damage.”

“Essentially, yes. The scan should show if there is bleeding, either within the brain, or in the area between the brain and the skull, or any other fluids causing swelling and then they might have to operate.”

 

Mark closed his eyes briefly and gave a tiny nod. He didn't want to think about Seb needing surgery.

Dr. Phillips tried to focus on the positives.

“He has a good chance of being okay, much better than someone in an ordinary accident. The crash he had was big, but you know that Sebastian had everything possible in his favour; All the safety features of the car; How quickly he received the correct treatment; How fast they got him to hospital. He is young and extremely healthy, with excellent mental fitness. This is all in his favour.”

Mark nodded. He did know all this, but the problem remained that for all the efforts to protect drivers, when there was a crash in F1 it was a matter of physics versus biology and sometimes it wasn't an equal fight.

“The brain is hugely complex organ, it is very delicate but also hugely resilient. The body mends itself given a chance,” assured Dr. Phillips.

“Yeah.”

 

Mark kept staring at the door into the scanning room waiting for them to come out and leaped up as he finally saw the handle turn.

“How is he?”

Dr. Marrianti stood alone.

“For now, it is good. There is no visible sign of damage, sub-dural haematomas, or intra-cranial pressure.”

Mark let out a relieved breath.

“Okay, so?”

“So we continue to monitor him.”

Mark frowned, wondering why he didn't sound more positive.

“You think it could change?”

The doctor rubbed his hair, trying to think of the correct words to describe this to a relative.

“The problem with brain trauma is that we do not know. There are few identical injuries and no identical consequences to those injuries. The situation remains unpredictable.”

“Because you have nothing visible to judge?” queried Dr. Phillips.

“Sì. We need to be able to test when he is responsive to have a better idea.”

“But if there's no sign of anything wrong?” tried Mark, clinging to the idea that had to be good.

“No sign is better than obvious damage, but it is not enough to say he is out of danger and to tell us how he has been affected. The rate of the crash, it sends shock-waves of energy through the brain. It is physically thrown forwards within the skull and his helmet cannot protect him from this. We have to measure the effect by Sebastian's reactions; Movement, speech, memory, understanding. While he remains in a coma we cannot do this,” explained the doctor.

“There is no improvement?” asked Dr. Phillips.

“No.”

 

The doctor looked at his watch.

“It is nearly six. This is three hours.”

“What does that mean?” asked Mark anxiously.

“There are scales of injury based on several factors. One of these is length of time unconscious,” explained Dr. Phillips.

“And longer is worse,” tried Mark.

“Sì,” agreed Dr. Marrianti.

“Three hours in a comatose state is already long, this is considered a moderate brain injury...”

Okay, thought Mark, no injury is good, but moderate didn't sound so frightening.

“...Beyond six hours is classified as a marker of serious brain injury, even without visible sign of damage,” completed the Italian doctor.

Mark took a shaky breath. So they weren't out of the woods and there was nothing they could do other than wait. Six hours. That meant nine o'clock.

“That's still a way off,” reassured Dr. Phillips.

“Sì. It is an arbitrary marker, it is used to assess, and is not fixed, each patient varies,” affirmed the Italian.

Great, thought Mark, so yet again he had nothing to rely on.

“I am sorry Mark, I know that this is not helpful to you. I can make you no promises, give you no exact prognosis. I understand this must be confusing, the terms we use... Do you wish to ask anything?”

 

Mark tried to think. All the questions went back to one thing; When will Seb wake up? Is he okay? And no one could answer those.

“Is he still critical?”

“Officially, we may raise his condition as serious rather than critical,” stated the doctor.

“So that's better.”

Mark tried not to get his hopes up too high.

“It indicates we have stable life signs over an extended period now, but we remain concerned that he is still comatose.”

“But, his heart hasn't stopped again, nothing's happened, he's breathing and everything?”

“Si, these things are stable, this is good, but they remain under threat while he is unconscious.”

“Try not to focus on the terms,” offered Dr. Phillips. “All his vital signs are good, focus on that Mark.”

“The measurements are not fixed Mark, and the descriptions are not precise. We use them for us to understand that our patient requires acute care and close monitoring until we have proof to show different. Officially it means his condition remains of concern, but that does not mean it cannot improve.”

“If he wakes up?”

“Si, if he wakes,” confirmed Dr. Marrianti.

Until then they were stuck waiting.

  


  


  


  


  


  


Mark sat back in Sebastian's room, back where he had been before. Nothing had changed; the nurse blended into the background, barely registering in Mark's vision, the machines bleeped and flashed, Seb's chest moved gently up and down and his eyes remained shut.

 

He looked at his watch. Nearly half past six now. He was trying not to think of this as a race against the clock, but if it was then surely Sebastian would beat it. Wasn't that always what he did?

Mark gave Seb's hand a firmer squeeze. The doctors had reassured him that he would not hurt Sebastian by doing so and that it was good to provide stimulus, to keep talking to Seb whether he knew if Seb heard him or not.

 

“Please darling you have to wake up now. You've slept long enough.”

“Your parents will be here very soon Seb, you don't want them to see you like this, they'll be worried.”

“There's nothing to be frightened of sweetheart, I'm here. You're going to be okay, you just need to open your eyes and show everyone you're alright. Then everything will be better and we can go home. Don't you want to go home darling? We'll just go home and everything will be okay. You'd like that wouldn't you? We can just go home and curl up on the sofa, you and me.”

 

He swallowed hard at that idea. They were always so happy like that.

“Please darling you have to wake up and then I can take you home.”

Mark was rubbing his thumb back and forth over the back of Sebastian's hand, still taking care not to do it too hard.

“Please Seb. Please darling, _please_...”

Tears were streaming down his face and Mark didn't bother to wipe them away. He couldn't understand why Sebastian wasn't listening to him. Seb had to know that this was hurting him, that Mark was worried. Mark was trying to do everything to reach him but nothing worked. It didn't make sense; if there was no sign of injury, why was he still unconscious?

 

  


  


  


  


Mark heard a noise behind him, but he didn't turn to see the doctors coming in again. Then he heard a shocked gasp and looked around to see Sebastian's parents in the doorway, frozen in place as they saw their son like this.

“Oh my baby. _Seb_...”

Heike rushed over to the bedside by Mark. Her hand clasped over her mouth to stop herself from crying out all the terror she felt to see her boy this way.

Mark brushed at his face, not wishing to look a mess to Seb's parents and alarm them further. He gave Sebastian's hand one more little rub and then let go to stand.

“Mark,” greeted Norbert grimly.

Mark nodded at them, struggling to think of anything to say.

Heike turned from leaning over Seb to look at Mark, seeing how terrible he looked.

“Oh Mark, how could this happen?”

There was no answer to that. It was the risk they ran every time they raced.

 

Mark gave a sad shake of his head and Heike pulled him into a tight hug. He hugged her back, grateful for the contact from someone who he knew cared for Sebastian as much as he did. As he eventually let go, Mark looked over at Seb's father.

“They spoke to you? The doctors?” he checked.

“Yes, they explained. We must wait for him to wake.”

Mark nodded, there was nothing else to say, there was nothing to be done.

Norbert hugged Mark.

“Thank you for being with him,” offered Seb's father.

Mark frowned and gave a little dismissive shake of his head. Where else would he be?

“I'm so sorry I didn't call you,” Mark apologised.

“No dear, you were with Seb, it was where you should be,” insisted Seb's mother.

“They didn't want to let me in, they said I wasn't family,” repeated Mark.

Heike sighed and shook her head.

“Christian told us.”

“Idiots,” stated Norbert firmly.

His boy needed those who loved him, why would a hospital stand in the way of that?

 

“He says they want to release a statement, that we should look it over first,” added Norbert.

Mark nodded.

“Not now,” delayed Heike.

She needed to spend time with her son, that was her priority.

They pulled more chairs over to sit by the bed and the nurse walked in again, checked things, made more notes and left.

“She doesn't speak English,” excused Mark. “She's in and out now, I think that's slightly better, she didn't leave before, but I don't know.”

“There's no change?” checked Norbert.

Mark shook his head sadly; no change. Seb was still in a coma, but everything else stayed steady.

 

Mark sat with Seb's parents either side of him as he took Sebastian's hand once more.

“We just need him to wake up,” he reminded.

Heike gave Mark's arm a rub, then left her hand there.

“He will.”

Mark nodded, his eyes now firmly fixed back on Sebastian.

“Seb, your mum and dad are here now.”

Heike and Norbert exchanged a look. Mark spoke as though he was sure Seb was listening. They hoped he was right.

  


  


  


  


  


 

Christian headed back downstairs again. He seemed to be spending a lot of time in this lift, going up and down to consult with the various representatives who seemed to have taken over the free areas on the ground floor. Members of the FIA, medical personnel, circuit and race staff. Half of them he didn't even know who they were, much less why they were there, but as long as they stayed far from where Sebastian was, Christian didn't much care. They were the hospital's problem and he only spoke to those he chose to, telling various 'important' people that sadly they couldn't go upstairs as only Sebastian's family could be with him.

Now that the statement had been cleared by Seb's family, the team and those he had consulted from FIA, Christian was preparing to release it to the media in the possibly vain hope that it might persuade them to clear off from where they were lurking in front of the hospital entrance and hopefully get rid of a good number of the rest inside as well.

He walked out into reception and avoided making eye-contact with those he had no time for. Christian noted that the woman on the desk had been replaced and he wondered if she had finally cracked or if it was just the end of her shift. As he passed a few groups he was startled by a familiar face popping into his eye-line.

“Christian.”

Christian stopped.

“Dan, what are you doing here? I thought Helmut had the team packed up ready to go?”

“They are. I... I wanted to come down here. I'm sorry, I hope I didn't do the wrong thing?” checked Daniel.

Christian shook his head.

“No, of course not. Of course you're concerned. I'm sorry, I've been trying to send back information.”

“I understand. I just thought... I don't know, I thought I should come here to offer my support.”

“Thank you, but...” Christian sighed. “I'm sorry Dan, there's no change, there's not really anything you can do here.”

Daniel nodded. He'd suspected as much, but somehow it felt important to come nonetheless.

“There's a few of us,” he informed his boss. “Drivers. I'm sure the team would all like to have come, but they wanted to keep everything going so you didn't need to worry about all that.”

Christian smiled weakly. They were a good bunch, they knew the routine. Perhaps sticking to what they always did was the most comforting thing for them, he didn't take it as meaning they weren't concerned about Sebastian.

 

He glanced over to where his other driver was looking and saw a small group of men and wasn't vastly shocked by who he saw stood there; Lewis, Fernando, Felipe. Perhaps he was more surprised at the last two, but he knew that Mark was good friends with Fernando and Felipe was doubtless there out of compassion having experienced a similarly dangerous incident himself only a few years back.

He walked over to them.

“Gentlemen.”

They nodded.

“I'm sorry, I have no news for you.”

“He is still unconscious?” asked Fernando.

“Yes, I'm afraid so. I'm just about to give a statement to the press,” Christian noted.

“Is it true, what they're saying?” asked Lewis. “They said Seb's heart stopped after he crashed.”

Christian nodded heavily.

“Yes. They resuscitated him before they brought him here and Seb has a steady heart-rate now. He's breathing on his own.”

“But that's good right?” pressed Lewis.

“Yes. They say he could wake up any time, but... We don't know how bad it is still. There's nothing to see on the scans, no way of knowing...”

He sighed. All they had was uncertainty.

“For now Sebastian remains in a coma and is in serious condition. They are monitoring him very carefully in the ICU.”

 

The drivers nodded and exchanged concerned glances. They all knew that it could have been any one of them upstairs.

“After my accident I was in a very bad condition, but I recover very fast,” offered Felipe by way of reassurance.

Christian nodded. The circumstances of his crash had been different, but it was kind of him to say.

“We can't know what's going to happen. The doctors say it is not immediately life-threatening, but they remain concerned, so we must wait.”

“Is there anything we can do?” enquired Lewis.

Christian shook his head.

“His parents are here now, Mark is with him. We're all waiting.”

Fernando spoke up, asking about his friend.

“How is Mark?”

Christian gave him a look, wondering how he expected Mark to be.

“Forgive me, I know he must be very worried. Is there anything he needs, or Sebastian's family?”

They needed Seb to be awake thought Christian. No one but Seb could give them that.

“No. Thank you, but no, and I don't think he's really in any state to see anyone,” admitted Christian.

“No of course,” accepted Fernando.

He had sent his friend several messages, but he didn't expect any reply.

“I think the best thing you can do is go home. I will let Seb's family know of your support, but there's nothing you can do here and to be honest, the hospital would really like to try to start getting its facilities back.”

“We won't get in the way,” promised Dan.

“No I know, but... Look I can take your numbers,” Christian looked at the other drivers, “and let you know of any change when I get chance.”

They nodded.

“Okay, well, Britta is just looking for a printer for the press release. I'll give you a copy, but then it's probably best if you go. I do appreciate you coming and I'm sure Seb would as well.”

 

The sight of Britta exiting the lift caught his eye and Christian indicated to her to come over.

“You found one then?”

“Mm, eventually. Jane in MK is going to email it out and put on the website, but these guys out there will need hard copies.”

Christian took a copy from the pile of paper in Britta's hands and looked it over, then handed it to Daniel.

“Guys, I think the one thing you can do for Seb and Mark is not speak to the media. They'll only ask you questions you can't answer, and for their sake...”

The drivers all nodded in agreement as they gathered around to read the piece of paper Dan held.

“Thank you. Dan, can you do me a favour and take numbers to text through to my phone?”

“Of course.”

“Britta, shall we go do this?”

Britta set her shoulders back and the two of them went to go outside to offer the assembled media an update and attempt to appeal to their better angels that they might also leave the hospital and everyone in peace.

  


  


“What do you think?” wondered Dan, as they finished reading the press release.

“I think it means they have no idea what will happen,” suggested Fernando.

They looked at one another, unsure if that wasn't more alarming than a definite diagnosis.

“The first twenty-fours I think is crucial,” noted Felipe, thinking of what had happened to him. “It does not say any reason that he would not wake up.”

“Yeah. He will. Course he will. We should do what Christian asks and clear out if that's what they want. Seb's got enough people around him,” suggested Lewis.

Dan pulled out his phone.

“You want to give me your numbers then?” prompted Daniel. “I'm not sure we'll hear anything tonight, but just in case.”

He started tapping them into his phone and they waited until Christian and Britta were finished before exiting to ignore the press as requested and make their way separately home to do as everyone else was doing and wait.

  


  


On the plastic chair to the side of where they had stood was left an A4 piece of paper that contained the press release.

  


_'At 2.57pm local time on Sunday 6 th September 2015, RedBull Renault Racing's driver Sebastian Vettel crashed in his racing car at the Parabolica Curve at Autodromo Nazionale Monza on the 35th lap on the Italian Grand Prix. The RedBull F1 team in conjunction with the FIA and the circuit are investigating to establish the causes of the incident. Early indications point to a failure of braking on the car, but no confirmation can be given as to definitive cause at this time._

_Sebastian's car sustained a direct impact with the tyre wall at approximately 345kph/215mph and the G-force monitor in the car measured a reading of 82G at peak._

_Sebastian was attended by track marshals at the scene and the FIA medical team which reached him and began treatment within a minute of the crash taking place. Medics on the scene assessed his condition and safely extricated Sebastian from the car to enable them to give further treatment, following all standard procedures to check for vital signs, secure his airway and protect his neck and spine._

_Once confirmed that the driver was unconscious, the decision was made to call in the emergency med-evac helicopter to transport Sebastian to hospital and the race was black flagged to clear the track to enable the helicopter to land. Until this point it has been confirmed that Sebastian was breathing independently and had a steady pulse, however shortly before the helicopter landed he suffered a cardiac arrest and required resuscitation by the FIA doctors, using defibrillators to restore a regular heart-rhythm. He was intubated to provide oxygen supply and after further assessment was judged sufficiently stable to transport to hospital under sedation._

_Sebastian has undergone both CT and MRI scans which have yielded no indications of visible brain injury. He is not currently under sedation but remains in a comatose state. He is being closely monitored in intensive care. He is breathing without assistance and his heart-rate and blood pressure are steady. At this time Sebastian is medically diagnosed as being in a serious but stable condition._

 

_Sebastian's family are with him at the hospital and his team are working to support them._

_If we have any further updates on Sebastian's condition we will release it as soon as possible._

 

_We, along with Seb's family, would like to thank all the medical and safety staff at the track, and at the hospital for their efforts, in addition to the FIA and the circuit itself._

_We and they would also like to thank everyone for their many messages of concern and support._

 

_Finally we would ask that the media respect the privacy of Sebastian's family at this difficult time._

 

_RedBull Racing._

_6/9/15'_

  


  


  


  


Mark still sat by Sebastian's bed. Seb's parents had finally been persuaded to go and take a short break to call their other children to update them and to get some coffee and food to keep them going, but Mark wouldn't budge. He stayed, holding Seb's hand, stroking it gently and talking to him in the hope that in spite of all evidence to the contrary, Sebastian might know he was there.

He had tried to ignore the gathering dusk outside the window, but the room now lay in near darkness, illuminated only by the dimmed light above and the many little symbols and readings on the machines the continued to flash and bleep. Mark knew that their steadiness ought to be reassuring, but they only tormented him, reminding Mark that there was no reason why Sebastian should still be unconscious, but still he did not wake.

It was night outside now and Mark couldn't ignore that any more. He knew that they were running out of time before Sebastian passed the six hour mark and the doctors' warning that Seb would be falling into a more worrying period where his continued coma spelt much more frightening consequences and a growing fear that he might not wake at all.

 

Mark didn't want to look, but couldn't stop himself from checking his watch, hoping that it might be earlier than he thought.

8.37pm.

In twenty minutes time they would hit the six hour boundary. The doctors had tried to reassure him that it was an artificial line, only used for guidance, but it was the first piece of almost solid information that they had been able to give Mark on Seb's brain condition, so even though it terrified him, he clung to it. Hoping against hope that it would be a time-limit they came under.

 

Mark had never been frightened of the dark before, not even as a little boy, but tonight the falling light was like an impending threat. Now it was completely dark it felt as though that danger lurked ever closer, waiting to pounce. That was why he had to stay here, unable to leave Sebastian's side for a single moment. He knew he was powerless to prevent what threatened Seb from hurting him, but Mark couldn't leave Sebastian to face that threat alone.

  


Every now and then Mark realised that his thumb had stopped moving back and forth over the back of Sebastian's hand and he had to remind himself to keep it going to make sure that Seb could feel he was holding on to him.

Mark stared at Sebastian and wondered if it would be easier to handle if he could see some kind of visible injury so that it made more sense to him.

Sebastian lay there looking almost as perfect as he always did. The only marks on his body were the hints of the bruising across his shoulders and chest that were starting to form where his seatbelts had held his body in the car instead of flinging him out when he hit the tyre-wall. Apart from where the seatbelts sat, the rest of his body had been untouched and if you didn't know what he had been through internally it would appear as though Seb was merely sleeping peacefully. But Mark knew despite all he said, Seb wasn't simply asleep. If he was asleep then Mark would be able to wake him as he usually did. Sebastian would be able to hear him.

Sebastian couldn't hear him. If he could hear Mark he wouldn't be ignoring him like this. He wouldn't leave him to suffer this way. Seb wouldn't torture him so indifferently. He'd never do that to him. Mark was sure of it.

Mark closed his eyes for a moment and prayed, more sincerely than he had done in his entire life, to whatever god or gods were out there; that he would do anything, _anything,_ if only they'd let him reach Seb and bring Seb back to him.

Seb was always his light; that smile, those eyes, his lovely soft blonde hair, he was like sunshine brightening every room he walked into. Now he lay in darkness and Mark was terrified that light could go out forever.

 

Time was ticking by and there was nothing you could do to stop it. Time ruled their lives in the cars, against the clock in qualifying or on each lap against their opponents. You couldn't do anything to affect time, only fight to push yourself against it. Seb was fighting his own battle now.

There was nothing Mark could do to help Seb in that fight. Nothing he could do to stop the fear coursing through his body, getting worse with every terrible minute; That Sebastian was going to stay unconscious, that the invisible damage was too much and that just as Seb's body had shut down in shock at being pulled from the perceived safety of his cockpit, it would shut down entirely as his brain recoiled from the trauma of something that finally proved too much for Seb to cope with. His heart could simply stop again at any moment as it had before and Mark would lose him.

 

He should have known they were too happy. Their guard had been down and the fates decided it was time to punish them again for reasons Mark could never understand. It seemed every time they let themselves relax, something terrible was just around the corner.

Mark thought about how they had been messing around so stupidly this morning and how he had teased Seb for wanting to stay another minute. Mark thought he would give everything he owned to have that minute with Sebastian now.

Just one minute of talking with him and laughing with him. Of holding him close and kissing him, telling Seb he loved him and hearing Sebastian say it in return. Not because they needed the reassurance, but simply because it felt so good to be reminded that it was true. They were always going to be together. That was the deal. That was what they had agreed.

 

Mark very gently turned Seb's hand over and looked at the little fish tattoo on Sebastian's wrist and the one on his own. It meant they were forever tied, that they had promised each other and knew that they felt the same way. It was meant to be a symbol of their relationship and the attitude they took to get through life; They were meant to fight through it together. They were stronger together. Far stronger than either was alone.

Seb was his other half. Mark couldn't live without his other half.

He felt a panic rising in him and Mark tried to calm himself by stroking over the little fish. It covered the spot where Seb's pulse jumped in his vein and Mark very carefully pressed his fingers to it to feel Sebastian's blood was still pumping around his body. It reminded Mark that he was still there. Seb's heart had stopped but it was going again now. Sebastian was still going. That was what the fish meant; They kept going, no matter what, no matter how impossible the situation seemed, or how afraid they were, they didn't give up.

They didn't give up on each other either. Seb couldn't give up on him. He had to keep going, wake up and be okay so he could be with Mark. He couldn't break his promise and leave him.

 

That idea burned at Mark and a horrible creeping dread started to overwhelm him.

“Please Seb, you have to wake up.”

“You have to wake up Seb. You can't leave me. You promised.”

His voice broke and Mark started sobbing.

“Please darling, I need you. I can't live without you Seb. I don't have a life without you.”

Mark took a shuddery breath.

“I don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me alone like this.”  
  


This wasn't how it was supposed to be. They were meant to love one another and make each other happy. They were meant to support each other and build their lives as one. They were meant to grow old together.

Mark wasn't supposed to be sat here looking for the person he loved in the flashing lights of a machine.

 

“Please sweetheart, you have to wake up. This isn't funny any more.”

He let his head sag and Mark disappeared into the darkness. Seb wasn't going to wake up; His brain was going to stop working like his body had when his heart had stalled and Mark would lose him. Sebastian would be gone and Mark would be left in this cold world alone, with an empty bed, an empty house and an empty heart.

  


 

Mark took shuddery breaths as he cried, his mind tumbling in despair.

“I won't live if you don't. I can't live without you Seb.”

He swallowed, his voice getting rougher with crying.

“Please don't leave me,” Mark begged, getting more and more desperate.

Mark looked up at Sebastian, but his eyes were closed and Seb could not see him, so Mark dipped further down and pressed a kiss to Seb's wrist.

 

The fish. The fish that Mark had drawn there to remind Sebastian to keep going no matter what, to remind him that he was strong and he could survive anything. Telling Seb that he never needed to be scared again because Mark was always with him, in spirit if he couldn't be right by his side. Mark would never leave Seb and Seb would never leave him and neither of them would ever give up. Seb had said it had saved him and they had both made the symbol permanent because their love for each other was permanent just the same.

Two little fishes, swimming against the tide together, against all the odds, never giving up.

He kissed Seb's little fish gently once more, then lifted his head slightly to look at the fish on his own wrist and knew he couldn't give up either. Mark took a steadying breath and prepared himself to say something more positive to Sebastian to encourage him.

 

Mark rallied and sat up properly. He turned to look at Seb, who was looking back at him.

  


  


 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With apologies to medical receptionists everywhere, who are no doubt tireless under-appreciated angels with compassion and care for everyone they help, but in every barrel there can be a bad apple and this one, to put it in Britta's succinct terms, was a cow.


	78. Heartbeats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning from the previous chapter still applies, this is just a story (& I must remember to keep telling myself that too).

* * *

 

 

  


It took a moment for the sight to register in Mark's mind and for him to accept that he wasn't imagining that Sebastian's eyes were open as he had been praying they would be for so long. Then he gasped.

“Oh my god. _Seb!”_

He shot up out of his seat and leaned over Seb to make sure he could see him properly.

“Seb, oh Christ, are you okay?”

Sebastian was blinking, trying to focus, his stare was blank and Mark couldn't read it. Mark stayed leaned over him as Seb lay slightly propped up in the bed and placed one hand against Sebastian's cheek and with his other re-took Seb's hand in his. He looked carefully in his eyes.

“Seb, can you understand what I'm saying? It's Mark darling, I'm here.”

Mark's heart was pounding and he tried to think what to say to check Sebastian was alright. Words failed him for a moment and he stayed still in place, trying to look for recognition in Seb's eyes.

“It's Mark. You're okay sweetheart, you're okay,” he reassured.

 

Sebastian blinked again and tried to get his brain to wake up. He felt as though he was waking, but still half in a dream. Everything seemed strange and unreal. His body felt heavy, as though it was weighed down, but his head felt oddly light. He thought he could feel Mark's hand against his face, feel his own hand being squeezed, but he wasn't sure that was real. There was nothing in his field of vision but Mark's face, but that was okay, Mark's face was good.

“Seb can you squeeze my hand?” requested Mark.

Sebastian couldn't understand why he was asking that. It was such a strange thing to say.

Mark squeezed Sebastian's hand but got no response.

“Seb darling, squeeze my hand.”

Sebastian felt his hand being squeezed and wondered what Mark was doing.

“Squeeze my hand,” encouraged Mark again.

Sebastian tried to ask him _why,_ but the words didn't seem to reach his mouth.

Why did Mark want him to squeeze his hand?

 

Mark was leaning in closer. His nice warm eyes were right there in front of him. Why did they look so worried? Sebastian felt his hand being squeezed again and tried to remember what it was that Mark had asked: He wanted him to squeeze back. He remembered now, so Seb did as he was asked.

Mark felt the slightest squeeze in return and pulled up a bit to look at their hands still resting by Seb's side on the bed together. He removed his other hand from Seb's cheek and put it so both his hands covered Sebastian's

“That's it. Good. Oh thank god, thank god.”

Relief was pouring out of him and Mark started crying again.

 

Sebastian frowned in even more confusion. Mark was crying. Why was he crying? What was going on? Where were they? Why was he lying down and Mark wasn't? Where they at home? No, they weren't at home. It didn't look like home. Seb thought for a moment they were in his little room at the motorhome, but it wasn't like this. The room was only dimly lit and he couldn't make anything out. Where were they?

Why was Mark crying and looking at him like that? It wasn't right. Something wasn't right.

Sebastian tried to speak again to ask Mark, but he couldn't. There was something on his face. Why would there be something on his face? It wasn't his helmet. He was indoors somewhere, he wouldn't be wearing his helmet. For the oddest moment Seb wondered if he was in the sim at the factory; He might wear his helmet in there, but he wasn't in the sim, that wasn't it either.

Thinking about it was so confusing. It made him feel dizzy and his head hurt. It really hurt. Why did his head hurt? Why was Mark upset? Mark didn't get upset. What was wrong?

 

Seb tried to sit further up but his body didn't move. He tried to speak and that didn't work either. It must be this thing on his face stopping him speaking. Sebastian tried to move his hand to pull it off but he only managed to lift the hand that Mark wasn't holding by a fraction. He tried again and just about lifted it off the bed. Sebastian tried to turn his head to look at his right hand to concentrate on it to see how he could make it move properly, but his head didn’t want to move either.

Why wasn't Mark helping him take this thing off his face? Seb tried one more time to lift his hand, then stopped and tried to ask Mark to help. He fixed all his energy solely on speaking and then couldn't think what words he was supposed to say. He decided just to say 'Mark' and concentrated everything on that, still confused as to why that would take an effort.

 

Mark saw Seb frowning and looking directly at him, his eyes more focussed than before.

“Seb?”

“Mm...”

Mark could hardly hear anything through the oxygen mask.

“Mm...”

 

Seb frowned deeper. He was saying his name but Mark didn't seem to be understanding him. He said it again.

“Mmmm...”

There was something on his face. Why was there something on his face. Why was Mark looking at him like that? Why did Mark look upset? Where were they?

Maybe he should say something? He should say Mark. That seemed like a good idea. It seemed familiar. He should say Mark. Then Mark would help him and it would be okay.

“Mmm...”

Why didn't Mark say anything back?

His mouth didn't seem to be moving very well. Sebastian tried to concentrate on it to make it work right but it wasn't helping and concentrating so hard hurt his head. His head really hurt. His throat hurt as well. His body hurt too, especially his chest. Why did it hurt? Maybe it would be better if he just closed his eyes for a bit until the pain and confusion went away?

 

Mark saw Sebastian close his eyes and started to feel anxious again, far more at that than at the little mumbly noises Seb had been making. He suddenly realised that he should have got the doctors right away and stood upright.

“Seb open your eyes,” Mark instructed.

He wasn't going to leave the room if Seb didn't look back at him again so Mark knew he was okay.

“ _Seb.”_

 

Sebastian opened his eyes and looked at Mark. He was further away now, higher than him, but then Mark was always higher than him. It was because Mark was taller. He liked that Mark was taller; it always made Seb feel protected. Mark always looked after him.

He was much higher now though and Seb worked out that Mark was standing up. Mark was standing up and he was lying down. Why was he lying down? Where were they?

He blinked and looked up at Mark.

“Good.”

Mark took a steadying breath at seeing Sebastian was listening to him and was sure that was a good sign.

“Seb keep your eyes open for me please, okay? You have to keep you eyes open,” insisted Mark firmly.

Sebastian frowned. Why was Mark cross with him? Why did Mark's face look strange? His face was wet. He'd been crying. Why would Mark have been crying? Mark didn't cry. It frightened him to see it.

“Seb I'm going to get the doctor, okay? I won't be a second. Don't close your eyes. I'll be right back,” Mark instructed.

Before he stepped away Mark pressed a very careful kiss into the top of Sebastian's head.

 

A doctor? Why would Mark get a doctor?

Seb blinked in confusion and tried to take in his surroundings. He didn't recognise them. They were somewhere strange. It wasn't home. It wasn't the motorhome. Was it a hotel? It was a strange hotel...

“I'll just be a second,” promised Mark and opened the door.

Light from outside flooded in through the doorway making the room seem darker by contrast.

 

Sebastian was suddenly scared. Where was Mark going? Why was he leaving him? He didn't want to be alone in this strange place when he didn't understand what was happening.

“Mmm...”

Seb tried to call after him, but Mark stepped out of the door and Sebastian wasn't sure if he had heard him or not.

 

He stared with wide open eyes, looking out ahead, feeling trapped inside his own body. Seb couldn't move, he couldn't speak, and Mark had left him.

Sebastian started to breathe faster. He wanted to call out to Mark but he couldn't. It had to be this stupid thing on his face. That was the problem. Seb tried to lift his hand again to remove it, but only managed to raise his arm an inch. He tried to move his head to look around him, but Seb could only turn it a fraction either side.

There were strange lights in this strange room, things he couldn't quite make out either side of him. Sebastian angled his eyes downwards and saw that there were other strange things on him too, strange wires and tubes on his body. Was that what was holding him still? _What was going on?_

  


 

 

Mark walked out of Seb's room and saw Christian and Dr. Phillips.

“He's awake!”

They both jumped up.

“Oh my god.”

Christian's voice was breathy with relief.

“Has he spoken?” checked Dr. Phillips.

“No, he made noises, but... the oxygen mask maybe, I don't know. Can you get the doctors and his mum and dad? Do you know where they are?”

“Britta took them to find the café,” reminded Christian.

“I'll get the doctors, you find his parents,” decided Dr. Phillips, dividing tasks with Christian.

“Thanks. I should be with him,” said Mark.

 

Mark turned to go back in, his hand resting on the doorframe where he didn't realise it had stayed as if he was holding himself up. The relief he felt was palpable, but Mark was exhausted with the strain of it all, he sagged for a moment where he leaned.

Christian stepped in to Mark and pulled him into a hug.

“Thank god.”

“Yeah.”

It was all Mark could manage. He nodded thanks to them both and pulled himself together to return to Sebastian, worrying that he had left him alone too long.

 

 

 

By the time Mark was back by Seb he felt guilty for leaving his side. Sebastian's eyes were wide and he was breathing faster. He looked confused and afraid.

Mark leaned in over him, putting his hand back at the side of Seb's face.

“It's alright Seb. Don't be frightened. It's okay. You're okay. You're in hospital darling. You had an accident, but you're okay. You don't need to be scared.”

Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes and tried to take that in. _Hospital_. He was in hospital. That was why it looked strange. His head really hurt and he had no idea what had happened, but Mark was back now so it was okay.

“Ma..”

Mark stroked his hair softly.

“It's alright. The doctor's coming now. Everything's going to be okay.”

“Ma...” Seb mumbled weakly once more.

“It's okay, sweetheart,” reassured Mark.

 

Why couldn't Mark understand him? His head really hurt and he wanted to make it go away, so Sebastian shut his eyes.

 

“No Seb, open your eyes,” insisted Mark.

He couldn't let Seb slip away again.

 

Mark turned to see the two Italian doctors enter, accompanied by Dr. Phillips.

“He's awake. He just opened his eyes. I think he's trying to say something,” explained Mark.

The Italian doctors rushed over, Dr. Phillips hanging back slightly, knowing that he was only there to observe.

 

Sebastian lay feeling helpless as two strange men came and leaned over him. They were looking at him and the things by his side. They were speaking rapidly in a language Seb recognised, but couldn't follow. He didn't know what was happening and he felt himself starting to panic, the familiar heat in his skin and the creeping fear. Sebastian started breathing faster and looking for Mark.

He was there. Mark was there. He was holding his hand and squeezing it as he looked at him. Mark was stood on his left side while the strange men were on the other. Seb didn't want to look at them. There was someone else there, another man behind Mark. He looked familiar but Sebastian couldn't quite think who he was.

Sebastian managed to squeeze Mark's hand more firmly.

“Mark.”

It came out right this time, but this _thing_ was in the way.

“It's okay Seb. These are the doctors that are looking after you.”

“Mark!”

Sebastian tried to shout, but it didn't come out very loud.

 

The two doctors were looking at the monitors and starting to get concerned. Sebastian's heart-rate and blood pressure were both elevating worryingly.

“Sebastian, my name is Dr. Marrianti, and this is Dr. Vizzino. Can you understand me?”

Seb looked at him for a second. A doctor. Why was there a doctor? Mark had said something about that, but he couldn't remember what it was.

Sebastian looked back at Mark and tried to sit up again to be closer to him. He wanted to ask Mark to tell him what was going on, to ask why it hurt and where they were. He didn't want all these strange men here.

There was a light in his eyes and Seb blinked away from it, recoiling to turn his head slightly at last.

“Mark!”

“He's trying to speak. Take his mask off,” requested Mark to the doctors.

Dr. Marrianti paused shining the little pen light into Sebastian's eyes and turned to his colleague speaking in Italian.

“Please. I don't think he likes it. He's trying to say something,” appealed Mark.

 

Sebastian was getting ever more disorientated and frightened. Everyone seemed to be talking at once and the bright light hurt his eyes. He wanted this thing off his face so he could speak to Mark. Mark would make it alright, he always made things alright.

He tried to raise his hand to move the thing on his face once more and succeeded in raising his arm part way until it got too heavy and dropped it back down again, feeling tired by the effort. His head really hurt now and he was feeling more disorientated. The strange man's hand came towards his face and Sebastian was suddenly more frightened than before. He didn't want some strange man touching him.

Seb felt a flush of fear and tried to push the man's hand away but it didn't really work. His arm felt weak, his whole body was weak. His head hurt and nothing made any sense. Everything seemed strange and frightening and Mark wasn't stopping the man from reaching over and doing something.

That thought pitched Sebastian into complete panic. Why wouldn't Mark help him? Everything was wrong. He felt dizzy and too hot and nauseas. As the man pulled the thing from his face and Sebastian tried to take the chance he had to speak, but now he couldn't because he was breathing too hard.

 

Mark watched as Sebastian seemed to get even more unsettled, his hand reaching up to vaguely push at the doctor's arm before flopping back down. Mark tried to get in his eye-line, but Seb was too busy looking at what the doctor was doing.

“Seb, it's okay. Seb calm down, he's just taking your oxygen mask off so you can speak,” Mark explained.

He squeezed Sebastian's left hand and looked over at the doctors who were speaking in rapid Italian again and sounding disturbed as they looked at Sebastian and the readings on the monitors, trying to decide if Seb had become agitated because he couldn't communicate with the oxygen mask on, or if they needed to replace it to help his breathing in this state.

Dr. Phillips stepped forwards, worried at the situation.

“His heart...” Dr. Phillips started.

 

The alarm on Sebastian's heart monitor suddenly sounded as his pulse-rate rocketed and his blood-pressure monitor was getting dangerously high. Mark looked at them and then back at Sebastian, trying to see what was happening, terrified that Sebastian was in difficulty.

Dr. Marrianti and Dr. Vizzino were suddenly reaching for things and Mark couldn't tell what what they were saying to each other.

“He is going into shock,” stated Dr. Marrianti in English, sounding very concerned. “We must sedate him.”

“What? No!”

Mark had only just got him back, he wasn't going to let them take Seb away from him again.

“We must.”

Dr. Phillips was right by Mark's side now, he put a hand on his arm.

“Shock can be very dangerous Mark,” he tried.

 

Sebastian's eyes were open wide at all the noise and agitation in the room, a strange man was coming towards him and Seb was so afraid he couldn't breathe. His heart was hammering and it hurt, it really hurt, and his head hurt too. Everything hurt and everything was frightening and strange. He felt faint and sick and Seb couldn't cope any more.

“Mark!” Seb managed in a snatched gasp.

He jerked forwards slightly, not consciously deciding to make the movement, causing the strange man to push him down and this terrified Sebastian more than anything, even though he couldn't work out why that was so. His head was swirling in confused panic at echoes of some kind of shadowy memory he couldn't place; A strange man, a bad man, pushing him down, hurting him and Seb couldn't say anything, he was too afraid and too weak, and he couldn't make it stop.

“ _Mark,”_ he appealed desperately.

It felt like it took the last breath in his body and Sebastian knew he was going to pass out.

 

Mark could stand it no more. He moved in and grabbed Sebastian as the doctors let go of him.

“Mark you must let them treat him,” intervened Dr. Phillips.

“He is going into shock,” repeated Dr. Marrianti. “It could be too much, the strain on his body in this condition.”

 

Mark was barely listening. He slipped one hand behind Seb's back and with the other he cradled the back of Sebastian's head, lifting him up further from the angle he lay at to hold Seb against his own chest, ignoring the wires that were in the way.

“Seb, you're okay, you're okay. Don't panic. No one is going to hurt you. I've got you. You're okay,” Mark soothed, his cheek resting against Sebastian's so he could speak directly into his ear.

“No, Mark we must sedate...”

Mark moved his head to turn to look at the doctor.

“He's _scared!_ Can't you see that you're scaring him?”

“It is dangerous, his heart...” protested Dr. Marrianti. “He needs the oxygen mask back on.”

“He's okay, he just needs me. I can take care of him, he'll be alright,” asserted Mark so confidently that it made the doctors pause.

 

All the other three men looked at the monitors that were all still far too high and were about to try to intervene when the door opened and the entry of more people into the room distracted them from doing anything for another moment.

 

Mark didn't notice anyone else arriving. He only cared about Sebastian. He held him in his arms and felt how Sebastian's chest was moving rapidly and his heart beneath it was beating too fast. Seb was falling into an attack because he was afraid and confused. Mark could help. He always helped Seb and that was what he should do now.

“Seb it's okay, don't panic. I've got you darling, I've got you. Just breathe, breathe slowly. Breathe with me darling, it's okay. Don't be afraid. I won't let anyone hurt you. I've got you sweetheart. You're safe. I've got you, I've got you...”

 

Mark did what he had done so many times before; He compelled his own breathing to go into a steady rhythm for Seb to copy, he held him close so that he could feel his chest moving slowly and kept his arms about him so that Sebastian knew he was safe. Whispering in his ear in a voice Mark made calm even though he was anything but.

“You're okay Seb, you're okay. I've got you. I won't let you go, it's okay. Just breathe slowly for me darling, nice and slow. You'll be okay, I've got you.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and pressed into Mark, blocking out everything but this; The feeling of Mark holding onto him, his arms around him, his cheek against his own, the sound of Mark's soothing voice in his ear, Mark heart beating strongly. It reached into the deepest recesses of his being, instinctively telling Seb he was safe, he was okay. Mark wouldn't let anyone hurt him.

Seb started to ease. He'd known Mark wouldn't let them do that. He still felt dizzy and there was pain, but Seb shut that all out and worked to do what Mark was asking of him; Breathe slowly, calm himself, let his heart settle. That was what he was supposed to do. Then Seb knew he would be okay, just as Mark said.

He felt light-headed, but Mark had a hand holding his head in place and he wouldn't drop him, Mark would never do that. He was _safe._

  


Norbert and Heike stood frozen in place, just inside the room, Christian and Britta a pace behind in the doorway. They watched as the doctors all seemed flustered, talking between themselves and speaking to Mark who was ignoring them and holding Sebastian up in his arms, whispering softly to him.

All the machines attached to Seb seemed to be showing something very alarming and his parents wanted to ask what was going on, but both were so fearful of what they saw that they found themselves incapable of doing anything other than watch the scene play out in front of them.

 

Dr. Phillips was about to try to reason with Mark, to tell him that he had to let the doctors treat Sebastian if he cared for him or he could be endangering his life, knowing that shock could kill just as easily as crashing a car in the first place. He went to speak, to go to place a hand on Mark's shoulder to get his attention, when he looked at the monitors and saw that the readings were dropping. Sebastian's heart-rate was slowing and his blood-pressure was lowering.

Instead of Mark, he addressed the hospital doctors.

“He's stabilising.”

The doctors pulled themselves back from deciding they might have to remove Mark from the room and looked. It was true; Sebastian was stabilising.

 

Mark felt Sebastian's chest now move in time with his own, his heart beating more slowly and knew that he had avoided the worst of an attack and just needed to rest now.

Seb had his eyes closed and he felt immensely tired. He wanted Mark to go on holding him like this and just let him sleep, but then Mark was setting him back down to lie against the angled bed, gently removing his hands and placing Seb's head carefully back.

Sebastian reopened his eyes and looked at Mark, confused again as to what had been happening. Mark put his hand back on Seb's cheek and moved his own head in close to look at Sebastian.

“It's okay darling, I'm right here, just stay calm. There's nothing to worry about, I'm not going anywhere,” he reassured in a measured, steady voice.

Sebastian took more deep slow breaths, looking only into Mark's eyes and thought about nothing else except the fact that Mark was there and that meant that everything, no matter how strange and frightening, was okay.

“Okay,” managed Seb quietly.

He had spoken without thinking about it and was surprised to find that it made it much easier.

“Okay. Alright then,” agreed Mark softly.

 

He gave Seb a reassuring smile and stroked his cheek for a moment before turning to the doctors whom he had been almost oblivious to for the past minute. They were all staring at him.

“How did you do that?” asked Dr. Marrianti in amazement.

A patient waking from a coma going into shock required medication to lower his heart-rate and blood-pressure, to stop them spiralling out of control and threatening their life. It shouldn't just spontaneously resolve itself like that. Not in his experience.

Mark frowned, wondering what the doctor meant. He'd helped Seb just like he always did, as anyone would when they saw the person they loved in distress.

“He just needed calming down. He's okay now, aren't you darling, hmm?”

Mark smiled softly at Sebastian again and sat back down to take his hand and give it a reassuring rub.

“You're alright now. Nothing to be scared of sweetheart. I'm here.”

He kept his eyes on Seb as Dr. Phillips moved around to the other side and the three medical men conferred for a moment, rechecking all Seb's vital signs to confirm that he really was stabilized and his readings returning to normal, despite their continued astonishment at what they had just witnessed. Dr. Marrianti suggested replacing the oxygen mask once again but Seb let out a weak protest and Mark shook his head. The doctor hesitated, considering insisting on it, but Sebastian seemed to be breathing normally for now and distressing him again was the last thing they wanted.

 

Seb's parents moved in, now freed from their equally stunned state. They didn't know quite what they had just seen, but their son had seemed in trouble and then Mark had helped him, that much was clear. That was all they cared about. Sebastian was okay.

They crossed the room to be by their son, looking over anxiously to the doctors. Christian and Britta tactfully withdrew and the atmosphere in the room was gradually restored to something approaching normality.

 

 

  


“Is he okay?” asked Heike.

“He is stabilised. This is good. Awake is good, very good. We must test now...” offered Dr. Marrianti.

Mark went to move out of the way, but Sebastian had a tight hold of his hand and he clearly didn't want to let go.

“It's alright dear,” assured Seb's mother.

Heike could see how much her son needed Mark and went around him to lean in and give her boy a reassuring smile and kiss his forehead.

“Hello Seb, it's Mum. How are you feeling sweetheart? We've been so worried.”

Norbert stood on Mark's other side, looking carefully at his son to try to see how he was.

“How are you Seb?” asked Norbert, speaking slowly to make sure he understood.

Sebastian swallowed, feeling how dry his mouth was now.

“I...” he swallowed again, not knowing what to say.

His parents were here. And where were they again? The hospital. Sebastian couldn't think what had happened, but if his parents were here that couldn't be good. They looked worried.

“I'm okay,” Seb managed.

Both his parents and Mark smiled at him and Seb felt better for the sight of it.

 

The doctors were consulting one another then stepped back in closer on Sebastian's other side. Dr. Marrianti spoke again in English.

“Forgive me. We must run through some procedures, test to assess Sebastian's condition. We will need to ask him things.”

They had noted that his parents had spoken with Sebastian in German and it reminded them that English was not his mother tongue.

“Would it be better if we tried to get a translator? Or if you translated for him?”

 

Sebastian was trying to follow what they were saying and Mark saw him frowning. It hadn't occurred to him not to speak to Seb in English as they usually did, only rarely switching to German at home.

“Seb, is English okay, or is German better? In Englisch oder Deutsch?” asked Mark.

Sebastian furrowed his brow even further. He hadn't even realised he had swapped between the two languages until it was pointed out, he had merely automatically responded in kind to whatever was said to him.

“Would it be easier for you in German?” tried Mark again, trying to be clear. He didn't want Seb to have to strain anything having to operate in another language if it made it more difficult for him.

“I, umm, either...” Seb replied quietly.

 

Mark smiled and nodded and Sebastian was pleased to see that he had seemed to say the right thing.

“The doctor speaks English, so that's okay?” emphasised Mark.

Sebastian nodded and scrunched his eyes shut as it hurt his head more than he could bare. Mark instantly reached his spare hand up to rest gently by Seb's temple.

“Stay still darling, I don't think moving your head is a good idea.”

Mark looked over to the doctors for verification.

“Right?”

“Sì. Yes. Is best to stay still, or at least not make sudden movements,” concurred Dr. Marrianti.

Sebastian reopened his eyes and almost went to nod again, but Mark's hand was still in place, reminding him not to jerk his head like that.

“Okay.”

“Sebastian, I need to ask you some questions and run some tests. It is okay in English?”

Seb let the words roll over him for a moment, taking his time to comprehend them. He still felt woolly headed and hoped that they wouldn't be difficult questions when he wasn't feeling good. He hadn't turned his head to look at the doctors, so Dr. Marrianti addressed him again.

“You understand what I am saying?”

Mark and his parents looked promptingly at Sebastian and he remembered that he needed to answer.

“Yes.”

“Okay Sebastian I need you to look this way.”

 

Mark removed his hand to let Sebastian tilt his head to look directly at the doctors, but Seb didn't move. He didn't want to look at strangers when he felt so unsettled.

“Sebastian I need you to look at this light for me.”

“No.”

The light hurt his eyes. Seb didn't want to look at the light. He wanted to look at his family.

Mark gave a half smile at Sebastian sounding so stubborn.

“Seb you need to let the doctor check you over,” insisted Mark.

“Be a good boy,” instructed his mother.

Seb frowned, wondering why his mum was talking to him as though he was a child. He sighed and reluctantly turned his head slightly to the other side.

 

The doctor shone the light in Sebastian's eyes to check the reaction of his pupils, causing Seb to blink uncomfortably and he had to force himself not to flinch away. The doctor turned and spoke to his colleague then nodded at Seb's family.

“Okay. This is good. Sebastian, can you follow the light as I move it?”

Sebastian frowned, wondering why someone would ask such a strange thing, but he did as requested.

“Good. Okay. You understand what I am saying?”

Sebastian nodded and wished he hadn't. His head hurt like crazy and the whole room span.

Mark sat up straighter and replaced his hand on Seb's temple.

“No sweetheart don't do that. You have to stay still, remember?”

Seb almost went to automatically nod once again, but stopped himself this time.

“Okay.”

“Good.”

Mark withdrew his hand.

“Can you answer the doctor's question?” he prompted.

Sebastian was looking back at Mark, losing himself in him for a moment.

“Seb, the doctor needs to hear you answer him okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian forced himself to return his attention to his other side. The doctor was looking at him and clearly waiting, but Seb couldn't remember what the question was.

“You understand me?” repeated Dr. Marrianti.

“Yes.”

“Okay then. I'm going to ask you to do a few things, answer some questions, so we can see how you are. Is that okay?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now, can you raise your right hand for me?”

Sebastian frowned again, he couldn't work out which was his right, but he chanced the one nearest to the doctor and tried to lift it, managing a few inches rather slowly.

“Good.”

The doctor glanced at his colleague who had started making notes.

“Very well. Now then, can you move your fingers?”

Sebastian did as required and tried not to think too hard about why he was being asked to do such odd things. The doctor moved the sheet at the bottom of the bed, exposing Seb's feet and he squeezed Mark's hand tighter, feeling alarmed at the action.

“I need to see if you can wiggle your toes,” requested Dr. Marrianti.

“It's okay,” reassured Mark, so Sebastian did that.

“And can you lift your right foot for me?”

Seb still couldn't work out why they were making him do this, but his family all looked pleased when he did as asked, so he carried on as the doctor ran through his list of fine-motor and reflex tests. It wasn't easy and when Seb looked to see what he was doing, his body didn't seem to be moving as far or as fast as he thought they would be, but the doctor didn't comment on it so he carried on.

 

“Okay, so we see how this develops,” noted the doctor to Seb's family.

Sebastian had limited responses so far, but any response was good in the circumstances and it was early days yet. They would run these initial tests and return to re-run them over the next few hours and days.

 

“Now I must ask you some questions,” continued Dr. Marrianti.

Sebastian sighed and let his eyes close for a moment. He was tired. Why wouldn't they let him sleep? He looked at Mark, appealing to him.

“My head hurts.”

Mark couldn't stand the idea that Seb was in pain.

“Can't you give him something?”

“No, not yet. I am sorry, we must go through these tests first. Just a few questions, okay Sebastian?”

Seb was still looking to Mark.

“I'm tired,” he complained.

Mark managed a little smile for Sebastian thinking that normally he would tease Seb for being whiny about how he always wanted more sleep, but he couldn't do that now.

 

“Just a few questions, then they can give you something to help, okay,” he reassured.

“You have to answer the doctor's questions Seb,” underlined Norbert.

Sebastian wanted to pout, feeling as though he was being pushed around, but they seemed anxious and he didn't want that. Seb forced himself to turn slightly to look at the two Italian doctors. There was another man over at the end of the bed and Sebastian couldn't work out who he was and why he was there.

  


“Very well. Can you tell me your full name?”

Sebastian looked at the doctor, wondering what the hell this was. His name? Of course he knew his name.

“Can you tell me that?” pressed the doctor.

Seb didn't realise he had paused and realised he simply had to do as he was required and answer.

“Sebastian Vettel.”

“Good. How old are you?”

Sebastian halted at that, trying not to be alarmed that it took a moment to work it out. He nearly said twenty-seven, but he'd had his birthday hadn't he?

“Twenty-eight.”

“Where do you live?”

“With Mark.”

He didn't have to think about that.

The doctor smiled.

“Yes, where is that though?”

Where did they live? Where was home? Seb thought about home: Their home meant the dogs, the kitchen, the lounge, their bedroom. That was home, and home was...

“In England.”

“Very good.”

Mark squeezed his hand more relieved than he could express that Seb was able to answer and Sebastian in turn felt reinforced that he was doing the right thing.

 

“Do you know where you are?”

Sebastian hesitated. Mark had said where they were, he knew this.

“In hospital.”

He tried to not let it sound like a question.

“Yes and where are we? Do you know what country we are in?”

That stopped Seb and he tried not to panic as he realised that he had no idea. He glanced over to Mark anxiously, wanting Mark to tell him so he could give the correct reply, but Mark just gave him a reassuring smile and squeeze of his hand. Eventually Sebastian knew he had to admit it.

“I don't know,” Seb confessed very quietly.

“It's okay,” reassured Mark with another squeeze.

He could see that Seb looked worried and it worried him too, but didn't want to let Seb see that.

“It is not a problem,” assured the doctor. “Do you know what day it is?”

Sebastian was still confused, wondering where they were. The doctor had an accent that seemed familiar, but that didn't help him.

“Where are we?”

“You are in a hospital.”

“No, _where?”_

They seemed to have forgotten that they had been the ones to bring that up.

“Oh. Italy. We are in Monza, Milan.”

Monza? Monza was a race track. He was at a hospital at a race track. He'd had an accident.

 

“I crashed,” Sebastian guessed.

The doctor looked a little taken aback.

“You remember?”

Sebastian paused again. So he _had_ crashed. He racked his brain, but all it did was make it ache even more.

“Do you remember the accident?” pressed the doctor.

“No.”

 

Seb swallowed and wasn't sure why he felt himself getting upset at the question. His throat hurt when he did that, lots of things hurt, he must have been hurt in the accident, but he couldn't remember anything about it.

He looked back to his family away from the doctors seeking comfort in the sight of those he knew.

“It's alright,” reassured his mother.

“Don't worry about it,” added Mark. “It doesn't matter.”

“Just answer what you can, alright Seb?” Norbert counselled.

 

The doctor went back to his list of questions.

“Can you tell me what day it is?”

Seb tried to think. He should know this. This was an easy one. It was obvious. It was. It was...

“Do you know?”

“No,” Seb whispered, knowing that was bad.

He swallowed again, now fighting the urge to cry. Why didn't he know these things? He'd had a crash and his family were here looking worried. Mark had been crying and his mum looked as though she might have been as well. Something really bad had happened: A crash at a race track, he'd crashed and he had no memory of it at all.

 

“What day is it?” Seb asked his family.

“It's Sunday Seb,” answered his father.

Sunday. Sunday was race day.

Sebastian took a shaky breath.

“I crashed in a race?”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark.

His face looked tight and Seb felt even more upset at the sight of it.

“Don't worry about that now,” repeated Norbert.

 

“Do you know what month it is,” continued Dr. Marrianti.

Month? How was he supposed to know a stupid thing like that? Seb had no clue.

“No.”

“Okay, can you tell me what the year is?”

“ _No.”_

Seb's voice caught and Mark could tell he was getting upset.

“Look, can't we leave this? He's not well. Can't you just give him something to help and go through this later?” requested Mark.

 

The doctor looked at him.

“No. I am sorry. I appreciate your concerns, but it is important that we do an initial assessment to understand how Sebastian’s brain is operating. We have to do this now.”

Dr. Marrianti looked back at Seb.

“We just have a few more of these. Okay. Sebastian, can you tell me who is in this room with us?”

Sebastian settled a moment at that. He could answer that.

“Mark and my mum and dad.”

“Good and who is Mark to you?”

Sebastian glanced at the doctor.

“He's my Mark.”

Mark huffed out an inadvertent laugh at the way Seb had said that as if the man was an idiot.

“Course I am darling, it's okay.”

 

He gave Seb's hand a little rub and Sebastian looked back to see Mark smiling at him and he was glad to have given the right answer.

“Yes, but what is his relationship to you?” pressed the doctor.

Sebastian tried to think of the correct word, knowing somehow that it didn't really cover it.

“He's my boyfriend. He... He's everything.”

Mark smiled, hugely consoled to know Seb still seemed to know what they meant to each other. He didn't want to imagine what it might have been like if Seb had woken up and not known him.

“That's right darling, everything, we're everything.”

He gave Seb's hand another grateful rub with his thumb and Sebastian smiled back at him.

 

The doctor's exchanged a few words in Italian and then made some more notes.

“Sebastian can you remember our names? I mentioned them earlier.”

Seb felt dragged down again.

“No.”

“And this gentleman. Do you know him?”

Dr. Marrianti indicated Dr. Phillips.

Sebastian thought hard but it hurt and he really didn't know. He seemed more familiar than them, but...

“No.”

He looked over and apologised.

“I'm sorry.”

Dr. Phillips shook his head.

“That's okay. It's fine Seb.”

The man was English, he seemed out of place, but try as he might, Sebastian had no more clue. He didn't like any of this. Sebastian didn't want to be here with these strange men asking endless stupid questions he didn't know the answers to. It made no sense why they kept on at him.

“My name is Dr. Phillips, I'm the team doctor, that's why I'm here,” he explained.

 

Seb still didn't recognise him. He felt even more confused and looked at Mark.

“Can we go home now?”

“No sweetheart, we have to stay here a while.”

“I want to go home.”

“I know darling, I know. Not just yet.”

Mark kept a smile on his face, feeling touched at the way Seb's first instinct was to reach out to him and to want to be safe and comfortable at home, but it was awful seeing how confused and almost childlike Sebastian was in this state. Mark didn't want to think about what that meant in terms of how badly hurt Seb was.

 

“Just a few more questions,” pressed on Dr. Marrianti.

Sebastian sighed, not wishing to look at him. He only wanted to look at Mark. Why couldn't they go home? He was tired. He felt ill. Why couldn't Mark take them home and let him sleep until he felt better?

“Please Mark?” appealed Sebastian.

Mark sighed. Seb was tugging at his heart with the way he was looking at him like that and he hated hearing him unhappy. He wanted nothing more than to do just as Seb asked and take him home, but they couldn't do that. Seb's treatment had to be the priority, even if it was hard for him to endure.

“We have to check his recollections,” explained the doctor. “It is important to measure levels of amnesia.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, look I'm just gonna switch sides.”

 

He let go of Sebastian's hand and moved around to be on the other side of Sebastian's bed, hoping that it might help if Seb was looking at him and the doctors at the same time. He took his right hand now as Sebastian's mother took up hold of his left.

“Very well. Now, Sebastian. Can you tell me what you do? What your job is?” picked up the doctor.

“Racing,” replied Seb, reassured to have something he could answer confidently.

“Racing what?” pressed Dr. Marrianti.

Sebastian gave him a look.

“ _Cars.”_

What else would he race in?

“I think he means what sort,” prompted Mark gently.

“Oh. F1.”

“Good. So do you remember that was what you were here for?”

“Yes.”

Well, he knew that _would be_ why he was here. That counted, surely?

 

“You remember being here for the race?”

Sebastian paused too long and the doctor realised they needed a more specific question.

“Do you remember anything from the being in the race earlier today?”

Seb wanted to just say yes, but had no idea. He remembered being in _a_ race. He vaguely remembered being in lots of races. How was he supposed to know which was which?

“I don't know.”

“You don't remember anything specific?”

“I don't _know_.”

Mark could hear the unsettled note in Seb's voice again and turned to the doctor.

“He doesn't remember, okay? He's already said he doesn't remember the crash.”

Mark couldn't help thinking that bit at least was a good thing.

“Very well. Sebastian can you tell me what the last thing you remember is, before you woke up here that is?”

 

Seb furrowed his brow and looked at Mark. Mark featured in most of his memories but that didn't help. It actually made it harder because it meant he couldn't distinguish between when they were from. Memories of Mark making him laugh, memories of them talking and eating together, memories of walking along with Mark's arm nicely around him, memories of them being in bed together. So many memories. How was he supposed to know when they were from?

“I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to know,” confessed Seb.

 

“What is the last thing you can work out is a definite point in time?” tried Dr. Marrianti. “Don't be concerned to be certain it is from today.”

Okay, something definite. A point he knew was recent that he could remember clearly. Seb concentrated on Mark and thought about that.

“I gave you your birthday presents.”

Mark's face crumpled and he couldn't stop his spare hand trembling slightly as he covered his mouth, trying not to let Seb see him get emotional.

“ _Mark?”_

Sebastian worried that he had said something very wrong. Why had it upset Mark? It was a nice thing. Mark's birthday presents. They'd been happy. They'd been at home.

“It's okay, I'm sorry,” Mark recovered, seeing how his reaction had disturbed Sebastian. “It's fine. That's good Seb, that's good. That's the last thing you remember?”

Mark forced himself to sound normal so that Sebastian would be reassured.

“Yes. I mean, I... I'm not sure, there's other things, but I'm not sure, I'm not sure when they're from, which race...”

“That's okay, that alright, don't worry.”

 

Mark turned to the doctors.

“One race weekend can be like another,” he excused. “Maybe it'll get clearer?”

“Perhaps,” agreed Dr. Marrianti. “When was your birthday?”

“He means when he gave me my presents, that was after. It was a week ago; Last Sunday.”

 

Mark didn't want to let on how worrying it was that Seb had no clear memories from an entire week gone by. A week ago. Christ that week seemed like an age. They had just come home from his race. Seb was cheering him up because Mark had been sulking about something as unimportant as a bloody DNF. God if he'd had any idea where they was going to be a week later, how terrible it would seem to care about such things. He gave Seb a soft smile.

 

“It's lovely that you remember that. All your nice thoughtful presents. Do you remember what you got me darling?”

Seb did, that was easy. Why were some things easy and other things so hard?

“A bike. I got you a new bike,” answered Seb sounding happy to know that.

“That's right.”

“And a sweater and a picture, _our_ picture,” carried on Seb, feeling encouraged.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yes, the photograph, the beautiful photograph from our holiday. Do you remember that?”

Sunshine, far away, sand and sea and no one but him and Mark. They had been so happy. How could Seb forget that?

 

He nodded his head and instantly regretted it.

Mark shot his hand back up to still Seb.

“No sweetheart, don't do that, remember?”

Sebastian closed his eyes to shut out the pain in his head and pressed against Mark's hand where it rested against his temple. It felt nice.

Mark turned back to the doctors.

“Won't that do? Please, he's in pain.”

“Just a few more. Sebastian, can you open your eyes?” insisted the doctor.

Seb made himself do so and was sad that Mark moved his hand away again.

 

“Good. I just want to try to see if we can get a little closer with what you remember. Mark perhaps you can help? When did you get here?”

“Wednesday,” replied Mark.

“Very well. Sebastian, can you recall anything from Wednesday? Do you remember arriving here in Monza?”

Seb tried, but it was all so indistinct. How could he have lost a whole week's worth of memories?

“No.”

“Anything else? Do you remember anything apart from racing that you have done here?”

Sebastian still couldn't be sure.

“No.”

“Do you remember perhaps working with your team here?”

“No.”

Sebastian could have given longer answers, but they all meant the same in the end: I'm not sure, so it might as well be no. The quicker his answers, surely the sooner this would be over?

The doctor looked over at the notes on Sebastian and checked over a few more facts.

“Okay, perhaps you could confirm for me, can you tell me what team it is that you race for?”

“RedBull.”

Mark smiled and nodded and Seb was reassured to know he had that right at least.

“Good and anything else? Who is your team-mate?”

“Mark,” answered Sebastian immediately.

 

Mark froze, disturbed to hear Seb answer that so confidently and yet so inaccurately.

Sebastian knew he had said something wrong. The doctors were whispering and Mark looked disturbed. Wasn't Mark his team-mate? But he _was_ , Seb was sure of it...

Mark gave an unhappy little shake of his head.

“No darling.”

“No?”

“No. Dan's your team-mate now,” Mark reminded Sebastian.

Mark turned back to the doctors.

“I used to be his team-mate, but it was a while back, a couple of years ago,” he mitigated.

The doctors nodded, seeming to be aware of this.

“Dan?” queried Sebastian blankly.

“Yes. Dan's your team-mate since I quit. Remember?”

Seb's lip wobbled. He didn't remember. Who was Dan? Mark was his team-mate, wasn't he? Why would he want anyone else?

“No,” confessed Seb unhappily.

Mark looked so worried and Sebastian couldn't understand. Everything was so confusing and he didn't know what the right answers were anymore. He had such a horrible headache and all these questions were making it worse. Seb sniffed and then burst into tears.

 

“Oh no no no, sweetheart, no don't cry, it's okay, it doesn't matter. I used to be your team-mate, I used to be, it's okay,” consoled Mark.

He dipped down lower by the bed to get in Seb's eye-line and Sebastian turned further to face him, looking to Mark to make everything okay. Mark brushed away the tears on Seb's face and kept reassuring him.

“Don't worry about it, darling. It's just a detail, it doesn't matter. Don't get upset, shh, don't cry. It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You just need to rest.”

 

Sebastian's parents had sat quietly throughout, too worried at what was going on with their son to intervene, but Heike couldn't stand seeing her son distressed in this way. She sat forwards so that Seb could see both her and Mark without having to try.

“It's alright sweetheart, don't fret about it. Mark's right, it's not important. It'll all come back to you when you're better. Don't let it upset you.”

Heike patted his hand like she used to when Sebastian was a small child and was crying because he had fallen over while playing and trying to keep up with his older sisters.

“There, there Seb. Don't cry dear, you'll feel better soon.”

Seb took a couple of shuddery breaths, then calmed himself.

“It's alright,” assured Mark gently.

Mark stroked Seb's cheek for a moment then stood up and turned to the doctors.

“You have to stop this. You're upsetting him. How is that helping?” he demanded.

 

The doctors looked at one another and exchanged a few words in Italian, deciding that they clearly weren't going to get much more from Sebastian now.

Heike glared at the doctors who were upsetting her little boy when he was hurt.

“Mark's right, why are they doing this?” she asked her husband in German.

“Surely he needs rest,” asserted Norbert, switching to English.

“Very well,” relented Dr. Marrianti.

There was more he would have liked to get into to try to pin down Sebastian's mental status but he was clearly still at a confused level and it was causing him too much distress which could be counter-productive. Seb's monitors had risen again before levelling off as his family calmed him. It seemed in his disorientated state Sebastian had a high level of dependency on that which was familiar to him. That wasn't wholly surprising in the circumstances and certainly his reaction before showed that reassurance and calm was the best thing to prevent Sebastian suffering any kind of relapse or deterioration in his condition. Other than that all they could do was try to make him comfortable to allow him to rest as his family requested.

 

Mark looked back at Seb, checking that he was okay.

“That's it for now, no more questions, alright?”

Sebastian almost went to nod again, but succeeded in stopping himself this time.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” smiled Mark. “Don't worry about any of all that. It's just for the doctors.”

Mark turned to the doctors.

“Can't you give him something to help?”

 

Dr. Marrianti nodded and consulted with Dr. Vizzioni and they began sorting out some painkilling medication for Seb. Just before they went to give it to him, Sebastian's father asked what Mark was still too afraid to.

“What does it mean, all the questions?”

“We test to see the extent to which the brain responds to questions, commands and what he can recall to test the level of amnesia.”

“And what can you tell?” pressed Norbert.

The doctor paused for a moment.

“In truth, it is too soon to diagnose; Sebastian has a high level of retrograde amnesia. This means he does not remember anything for more than twenty-four hours before his accident. He does not have good awareness of his surroundings and is missing a lot of detail. However he does recognise those closest to him and recalls some key facts, perhaps that which is most important to him.”

He opened out his hands a little.

“It is not without hope that with time much may come back to him.”

“But some may not?”

“We do not know. As I say, brain injuries are very difficult to predict. We must wait and see. I am sorry. I know this is not easy to hear, but it is best that you hear the truth.”

 

Norbert nodded and looked at his wife.

“It could change?” she asked the doctor.

“Yes. As I explained before; It is good that the scans showed no clear damage, but there are things we cannot see with the eye.”

Mark turned from Seb for a moment to look at the doctor.

“So is it concussion?”

Concussion wasn't so bad was it? He'd had that himself after previous crashes of his own.

“It may be a severe concussion. We will let him rest now, then in the morning we will run the scans again to check for any developments.”

The doctor saw the look of concern on Seb's mother's face.

“We will of course continue to monitor closely.”

 

Sebastian's family had to accept that for now. They were relieved to know that it was not worse and that at least Seb was being given pain relief now to help him rest.

  


 

“This will help you feel better,” reassured Mark, making sure that Sebastian wasn't alarmed by what the doctors were doing.

“My throat hurts too.”

Mark would normally have joked that if that was so then Seb should stop talking, but it was no time for that so he just nodded and stroked Sebastian's cheek with his thumb.

“I know darling. It'll feel better soon.”

Dr. Phillips stepped forwards to explain to Seb.

“They had to put a tube in your throat when they brought you here Sebastian, to help your breathing. That's why your throat is sore.”

“I think perhaps we should replace the oxygen mask,” considered Dr. Marrianti.

Mark shook his head.

“He doesn't like it.”

The Italian doctors spoke to the side for a moment, then returned.

“We may use the cannula, a tube under his nose, to supply the oxygen instead. This is less invasive, but it is important that Sebastian has a good oxygen supply to help cell healing.”

Mark nodded.

“Thank you.”

He looked back to Seb.

“That won't be so bad. I know it's scary, but all this stuff is just to help you, alright?”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian weakly, he didn't have the energy to protest about anything else.

 

They let the doctors go to work and Sebastian was reassured by the constant presence of Mark and his parents. As the drugs began to kick in he finally started to relax and ceased worrying about all the things he was supposed to know and didn't. His family were here and they kept telling him that he would feel better and he trusted them.

  


 

  


  


Dr. Phillips had left the room to update Christian and Britta who still waited anxiously outside. He waited a while before re-entering.

“Forgive me, but they were wondering if they might just say hello?”

“Of course. I think just for a moment,” offered Norbert, looking to Mark who nodded in agreement.

 

Christian and Britta stood towards the end of the bed.

“Hey Seb. It's Christian. I just, I umm... I wanted to say hi. I'm very glad you're awake.”

Christian felt awkward, unsure whether his driver would know him and not wanting to ask after what Doc Phillips had just told them.

“Hi Seb, it's Britta.”

She thought Sebastian looked sleepy, but Dr. Phillips had explained that they would have given him medication to ease his discomfort, so she presumed they were taking effect. Sleepy was a damn sight better than he had been before, Britta thought she could live with that.

“Hey,” replied Seb quietly.

“I'm sure you'll feel better soon. We'll be outside if you need anything.”

 

Christian looked to Seb's family. His parents shook their head, but Mark paused.

“Could you do me a favour?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“Could you call my parents?”

Mark looked at Norbert and Heike.

“They'll be so worried. That's okay if Christian updates them isn't it?”

“Of course that's okay. Don't you want to go and speak to them?” asked Heike.

Mark gave slight shake of his head. He did, and he felt guilty for not going to personally ring his family, but there was no way he could leave Sebastian.

“I need to stay here,” he stated unequivocally.

 

Heike nodded. It was clearer than ever before how intensely close Seb and Mark were. Her son seemed to look to Mark first and foremost in all things. Much more so than to her. She could feel sad at the way she had been replaced in her son's affections, but it was obvious how much Mark cared for Sebastian. She didn't quite understand what she had witnessed earlier, but Seb had been distressed, dangerously so, and Mark had settled him and made sure he was okay.

Mark had moved his chair to stay sat on the other side of the bed and Heike looked over to see that their hands were still linked. Mark rubbing his thumb slowly back and forth in a soothing motion. Her son did need Mark, there was no questioning it now, and there was no doubt whatsoever how much Seb meant to Mark. Thank god he had been here with him.

 

“I'll call them, that's no problem Mark,” promised Christian. “Heike, Norbert, there's nothing I can do for you, or get you?”

“No, thank you.”

Norbert looked to his wife and then back at Seb.

“I'll go call the kids in a bit. Your brother and sisters will be very glad to know you've woken up.”

Sebastian didn't know what to say to that. His brother and sisters, where were they? Were they at home? Not _home_ home, but his old home. He couldn't think straight at all any more. It didn't hurt so much now, but he was tired, really tired. Seb looked from his father to Mark.

“Can I go to sleep now?” he murmured.

Mark turned to the doctors.

“It's okay, isn't it?”

“Yes. Rest is good. He may be wakeful through the night.”

 

Christian felt as though they were intruding.

“We'll be outside.”

“I'm very glad you're doing better Seb,” added Britta before they exited.

  


 

 

Sebastian took a deep breath, getting used to the peculiar sensation of the oxygen feeding in from the tube under his nose. It was an improvement on that horrible mask though, so that was something. He still felt light-headed, or was that tiredness? He couldn't tell.

“You knew them didn't you?” asked his mother.

“Hmm?”

Seb blinked at her.

“Yes, I... yes I think so.”

He wasn't sure if he would have known their names if they hadn't said them, but it was too much to analyse and Seb didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think about anything.

“Just rest now,” encouraged Mark softly.

Sebastian took slower, deeper breaths and let his eyelids slide shut, hoping that when he woke, everything would be clearer.

 

Mark watched him carefully, reminding himself that he didn't need to fear Seb closing his eyes now, that sleep was good and it was always what Seb needed. It was a million miles away from the coma Sebastian had lain in so terrifyingly before. He was trying not to think what it all meant that Sebastian was so confused and seemingly able to recall some things easily and others not at all. He knew the most important things and that was what mattered. Surely if Seb rested properly he would start to improve?

 

  


  


The doctors finished their observations and left them to it. Norbert waited until it appeared that Sebastian was resting peacefully.

“I'll go call them now.”

Heike nodded. She didn't want their children to have to wait any longer to hear that their brother was out of immediate danger. They had been so worried and she had hated leaving them, but she didn't think Stef ought to be here in her condition and Fabian had been so upset, there was no way he could have stayed calm enough to be in here with them without making things harder for Sebastian.

“Okay. Yes, do you think I ought to come?”

Norbert shook his head.

“You stay here. They'll understand.”

“Tell them I love them.”

Norbert gave his wife's arm a rub.

“They know that dear, they know.”

  


He looked at their son and Mark who sat so closely by his side watching his every movement, continuing to keep a hold of his hand while he slept. Seb's mother stayed anxiously on his other side as Norbert rose to go and call Sebastian's siblings who sat waiting equally anxiously far away. They were all waiting and willing Sebastian to get through this and be okay.

Seb was loved. It might be the most important thing.

  


  


 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have the next bit to add soon-ish if you guys are caught up later in the week.


	79. Watch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On through the long nights

* * *

 

  


  


They sat through the long night. Mark on one side, Norbert and Heike on the other. Sebastian asleep between them, the monitors continuing to measure his vital signs and show that he stayed steady. The doctors and nurse came in an out sporadically, usually giving little more than a nod. All of them kept watch on Seb as he slept, oblivious to their worries.

 

They tried to stay awake, but Heike's head rested on her husband's shoulder and after many hours she drifted off, Norbert leaning his head against hers and eventually following.

Mark didn't blame them in the slightest. He was exhausted and he hadn't been forced to make the long journey here as they had, leaving their other distressed children behind. He couldn't imagine what that flight must have been like to endure.

He kept a hold of Seb's hand and tried to find things to focus on to stop his mind running on and worrying about what it all meant when Sebastian couldn't remember things and whether he was really going to be okay. Mark looked at the steady blips and lights on the machines for a while and didn't appreciate that they were slowly hypnotising him in this darkened room until his chin sank to his chest and Mark jerked back up again, realising that he had nearly fallen asleep.

 

A little while later Mark felt guilty that he must have drifted again as he felt Seb grab his hand tight.

“Mark?”

He lifted his head and looked over and Sebastian.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Where are we?”

Mark's heart sank.

“We're in the hospital darling. Do you remember? You had an accident at the race, but you're okay. You just need to rest for a bit,” he explained quietly.

Seb tried to raise his hand to rub his face, hoping that would clear his confusion, then frowned at all the wires and tubes attached to him.

“It's alright, they're just to monitor you. There's nothing to worry about, okay Seb.”

Sebastian let his arm rest back down and tried to take in what Mark had said.

“I had an accident?”

Seb was half-convinced he was in the middle of a bad dream.

“Yes sweetheart, but don't worry about it, you're going to be fine. You just need to rest.”

“My head feels sleepy.”

Mark gave Seb a gentle smile and nodded. He lifted his spare hand to very softly stroke Sebastian's hair.

“I know darling. The doctors gave you something to help you feel better. You just need to rest. Go back to sleep sweetheart. I'm here, your mum and dad are here, you're safe.”

 

Sebastian glanced left and saw his parents asleep propped up together on the other side of the bed. It was all very strange and he couldn't process it right now. He was so tired. Seb leaned his head against Mark's hand as it stroked down his hair and felt comforted by it. He closed his eyes. Mark was here, whatever was going on he wouldn't leave him.

“That's it darling, rest now, it's okay,” soothed Mark.

He watched as Sebastian's chest fell back into a slow rhythm and he knew he was asleep. Mark would watch over him and keep him safe.

 

 

  


  


  


The next morning Britta sat in the little waiting area, nursing a strong coffee in one hand and flicking through websites on her laptop with the other. She needed the caffeine to wake her up after a broken night spent trying to get some sleep out here along with Christian and Dr. Phillips. Each had suggested to the others that they should go back to the hotel for some proper rest and each in turn had refused. So they had used whatever bags and spare clothing they had to try to get comfortable out here and dozed as best they could.

 

Now they had taken Sebastian for some more checks. So far the reports from the doctors' latest run-throughs with Seb were encouraging, Dr. Phillips had fed back that he seemed more lucid after resting through a fairly good night, but they wanted to see what the scans showed.

The plan was to wait until that was all done and then get an update from the doctors so that they could put together another press release. After Seb had woken up and with everything that followed last night it had taken some time for his parents to feel settled enough for his father to leave him to call their family. By the time he came back, Christian and Britta had considered that it was really too late to be preparing, clearing, and sending out another communication, so they decided wait until the morning and hope that they had good news to share by then.

 

Unfortunately Britta was now seeing the consequences of leaving the press to their own devices overnight and their failure to make them aware that Sebastian had woken up from his coma. This morning's newspapers and television bulletins were all using last night's official press releases as the basis of their reports, which meant they were out of date. It had been a mistake to leave it Britta realised, but it was too late now. The newspapers would have put their front pages together yesterday evening anyway she consoled herself. Seb's dramatic accident was just too good a story to pass up, so maybe they wouldn't have changed anyway, but as Britta clicked on site after site she knew they had to be reigned in soon.

 

As far as Britta could tell it seemed as though every front page around the world was leading with the story, with sensational headlines and pictures. The languages varied, but the subject was the same. Some of the reports inside were more restrained and respectful, sticking to the official statements from them, the FIA, the circuit and the hospital. Many of the papers had reasonably expert analysis from medical representatives, former racing drivers and commentators. Some included the RedBull statement in full. There were pictures of the crash, shots of Sebastian's car coming off the track with the black smoke billowing out indicating the brake failure, shots of the car embedded in the tyre wall. Pictures of the helicopter. Pictures of Seb from earlier in the weekend, several with Mark in the garage or the paddock. Many reproduced the shot from Spa when the two had kissed in celebration, contrasting that with the horrors of the following race.

Yesterday when they had gone out to give the statement to the press Britta had been asked if Mark was with Seb at the hospital and she had emphasised that when they referred to 'family' that included Mark, feeling surprised to even get such a question from journalists who she thought must be well aware of their relationship. Now at least most of the papers were repeating that Sebastian's parents and partner were at his bedside. Britta didn't want anyone to think that Sebastian wasn't being cared for properly and surrounded by those who loved him.

 

She took a sip of coffee and braced herself to look through the tabloids, knowing they would have gone to town on this. The headlines were predictably melodramatic but Britta recoiled nonetheless at the way they seemed to be enjoying the opportunity to grab people's attention with lurid hyperbole, not caring in the least that they might be seen by those who genuinely cared and worried for Seb:

_F1 STAR IN HORROR CRASH_

_DEAD ON THE TRACK, SEB BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY DOCS: Now world waits as life hangs in the balance._

_RACING CHAMP IN COMA_

_VETTEL FIGHTS FOR LIFE_

_Racing World Prays For Seb. F1 Driver's Heart Stops After Accident._

_RACE TO KEEP X4 WORLD CHAMP ALIVE_

_Vettel In Coma After Monza Crash_

_Doctors Battle To Save Seb_

_GAY F1 ACE STRUGGLES FOR SURVIVAL AFTER 215MPH SMASH_

 

How was being fucking _gay_ part of the story wondered Britta angrily? She puffed a breath and shook her head.

“Bad?” asked Christian sat opposite.

Britta sighed.

“As expected I suppose. We've really got to get an update out.”

 

Christian nodded. Everything seemed to happen so slowly here. Even when Seb was back from his tests they would have to wait while he was settled, wait while the doctors updated them, write the press release, then get it approved by everyone and only then would they finally get it released. Christian knew it was important to communicate with the media, but those that really mattered came first and he would only worry about the press later.

He got up and went to sit by Britta's side as she looked over the websites. Christian echoed Britta's sigh. _Jesus_ , did they have to seem quite so pleased to have such a juicy story? There was endless speculation about Seb's condition and his chances of survival. Some stuck reasonably well within the facts, but others were wildly speculative and some seemed works of complete imagination; Stating, without any basis, that Sebastian had been found in his crashed car without a pulse and not breathing, that he must have been down for several minutes and was now brain-dead if he was alive at all. One paper suggested that Seb's heart had had to be re-started several times as he lay on the track and in the helicopter before he reached the hospital, which Christian knew was an outright fabrication.

Even in the more reputable outlets there was a lot of discussion about how the crash had happened; Whether it was Sebastian's error or the car at fault; Many suggesting that the recently extended tarmac run-off area at Parabolica was to blame for him failing to slow sufficiently before crashing. Christian knew that more gravel might have made no difference and indeed might have caused the car to flip which could have caused more damage and prevented the doctors from extracting Sebastian from the car quickly, which would have been even more dangerous.

It seemed the coverage was endless. The photographs were even worse. Somehow a picture had been taken through a gap in the protective sheeting that was meant to shield a driver and medics from prying eyes and they had a blurry shot of poor Seb laid out with his race-suit ripped open and his helmet removed as the doctors worked to save his life. It was a scene that made both Christian and Britta feel sick, but it was too good for the tabloids to pass up. Britta resolved to make sure she reminded those who cared about Seb not to look at the newspapers. It would be too distressing, not that the media seemed to care, they were having a field day.

“What a mess,” sighed Christian.

“We'll try and straighten things out. You know they'd have done this anyway, whether we'd sent an update in the middle of the night or not.”

“Yeah... Yeah okay. Sod the papers, just as long as Seb's okay.”

 

Dr. Phillips had sounded more optimistic this morning, Christian hoped that the medical checks bore that out. Seb had to be okay. All those pictures of his broken car, of the ominous graphite smoke in that terrible freeze-frame of impending disaster. They couldn't confirm it, but Christian was sure what had caused the crash was brake failure, a malfunction in the car, and it had so nearly cost Sebastian his life.

It was Christian's team, Christian's car, Christian's driver, Christian's responsibility. Seb _had_ to be okay or he would never forgive himself.

  


 

 

  


  


A few hours later Mark rubbed his face and reached down to the floor to find the bottle of water that Britta had brought him. They'd offered him a sandwich but Mark still couldn't eat. He'd drunk the hot black coffee just to keep himself awake, but it had given him a headache. Not that he could complain of course. Mark knew his headache was nothing compared to what Seb was suffering.

They seemed to be stuck in a loop; Every time Sebastian woke he seemed confused and disorientated, asking where they were and what had happened and they had to tell him again. Sebastian anxiety levels shot up and the sensors spiked, but only briefly as his family were always there to calm him. Once they had reassured him and got him talking a bit, Seb seemed to ease back into things and the doctors seemed pleased with his development, but there were still great gaping holes in his memory. Seb had no clearer recollection of the past week and nothing at all about the crash. Mark wasn't sure he wanted him to remember it when surely that would only be a frightening memory and Sebastian was easily upset when he realised he was missing so much. Every time the doctors ran through their checks and questioned him Seb was left feeling unsettled and complained that it made his head hurt. The doctors then gave Sebastian more medication and the pain relief had the side-effect of sending Seb back to sleep and then the whole cycle started up again.

Concussion seemed to be Sebastian's main problem, The bruising looked bad but it would heal well enough and his throat was easing up as the effect of intubation wore off. Following his cardiac arrest the doctors kept a very close watch on his heart and were in no hurry to remove the monitoring equipment and take him off intensive care status, but to everyone's relief there had been no relapse after the previous night's scare.

The scans had been reassuringly clear. Dr. Phillips had sat with them for a while, talking Seb and his family through the specialists' technical descriptions to explain that there were degrees of concussion and that Sebastian's continued cognitive issues suggested that it was severe, but like the bruises on his body there was every chance his brain could heal. They simply had to wait, keep Seb comfortable and calm. Continue to closely monitor him to keep checking to see that no further problems developed and hope that he would gradually improve.

  


 

 

  


Norbert looked over and worried at how haggard Mark appeared. He guessed that Mark hadn't got a wink's sleep overnight. He needed a break and a bit of fresh air, if only to keep going.

“Mark while he's asleep why don't you take five minutes?” suggested Norbert.

Mark shook his head.

“I'm fine.”

Norbert glanced at his wife, both thinking that Mark looked anything but fine.

“He's fast asleep dear, why don't you get some air?” pressed Heike.

“I don't want to leave him,” admitted Mark.

“I'm sure Seb's going to be asleep for a while yet,” asserted Norbert.

“Why don't you check in with the kids?” he suggested to his wife, giving her a look to hint at his intentions.

“Would you come with me Mark? You could call your family, I'm sure they've been very worried,” tried Heike.

Mark hesitated. He knew his family would be terribly concerned and he felt guilty that he had left it to Christian to speak to them.

“I'll stay here,” promised Norbert. “I'll send Britta to come and get you if Seb wakes up. He'll be fine Mark.”

 

Mark didn't want to suggest that Sebastian might not be alright left in his father's care and Seb did look fast asleep. Maybe he would be okay just to step out for a few minutes?

“I'd appreciate the company,” prompted Seb's mother.

Mark hesitated for just one more moment.

“You'll send for me?”

“Of course.”

Mark nodded and moved his hand from resting over Seb's as he stood up. He instantly felt bad about breaking contact with him and worried that Seb would know he was gone.

Norbert saw Mark's expression.

“He'll be fine. Just take five minutes Mark. I know your parents will appreciate it and you have to look after yourself if you're going to help Seb.”

Mark couldn't argue with that, so he nodded and finally left the room, pausing only to retrieve his mobile phone from his bag that Christian had brought from the circuit and kept with the rest with them outside. They exchanged a few words with occupants of the room before walking with Seb's mum to find the fire escape down the corridor where they could be outside to not break the hospital rules and also get a decent mobile phone signal.

  


  


  


He took a deep inhale of fresh air and Mark had to admit that he did feel improved by it. He switched on his phone and was slightly stunned by the number of missed calls and messages there were. He hadn't even thought to look at his phone while he was worrying about Sebastian, but Mark had known that of course he wasn't the only one to be concerned about him. There were so many messages; his parents, his sister, Pauline, both Jenson and Jess, Fernando, Lewis, Dan, his team-mates at Porsche, Adrian and other old colleagues from RedBull, some people Mark hadn't spoken to in years. All pretty much saying the same thing; That they were praying Sebastian was okay and thinking of them, that they didn't expect a reply, but if he needed anything, not to hesitate in asking.

He was never going to be able to return them all, but Mark appreciated the gestures. When Seb was a bit better maybe he could tell him how many people had been thinking of him and wishing him well. Mark saw some early missed calls from Seb's parents and he turned to Heike.

“I'm so sorry I didn't answer you, I feel terrible about it.”

Heike shook her head and placed a hand on his arm.

“Nonsense Mark. You're not to think of it. You were looking after Seb.”

Mark huffed a humourless laugh looking at the times of the calls.

“I think I was fighting to be allowed in here at the time.”

“Well that says even more doesn't it?” assured Heike.

She thought once again about how transparent it was how much her son and Mark loved one another. When they had rung they already half expected Mark wouldn't be able to answer.

“I don't like to think what it would have been like for Seb if you hadn't been here for him.”

“No, neither do I,” admitted Mark.

It was a dreadful idea to think of Seb waking up as he had, falling into an attack and Mark not being there to help him. He couldn't even countenance such a notion. Mark pushed it away. He _had_ been there, that was what mattered.

 

He glanced back in the direction they had come from Seb's room and realised that they should get on with this so they could get back. Mark scrolled through to find his family's calls ready to press redial, when he stumbled across a buried little chain of messages from Fabian that just about broke his heart.

 

FABIAN: Is Seb ok? Mum & Dad say thr flying him to hospital but they wdnt show it on TV. I understand why yr not answering yr phone. R u at the hospital now?

FABIAN: Im so worried Mark. Mum & Dad wouldn't let me come. Please tell me Sebs ok?

FABIAN: Please Mark can u call me?

FABIAN: Mel says they wont let u hv yr phone on in hospital & thats why u didnt reply. Sorry. I know yr looking after Seb.

FABIAN: Mum & Dad called. Im so happy Sebs awake. I dont think u can have yr phone on, but if u see this can u tell Seb I love him? Hes going to be ok isnt he? Im glad yr with him.

 

Mark suddenly felt closer to tears than he had done since Sebastian woke up. He puffed out a calming breath and rubbed at his face with his spare hand as he sat down on the metal fire escape steps.

Heike sat down by his side and looked concerned.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just... Yeah I'm okay.”

He puffed another breath and waited while Heike said something into her phone.

“Jan is gathering them up. Call your parents dear.”

“Will you tell Fabian I'm sorry. I'll speak to him in a minute.”

Heike nodded and Mark pressed dial on his parents' number.

 

 

He held himself together as he spoke to them, apologising for not calling earlier and hearing their repeated assurances that they entirely understood and only cared that Sebastian was going to be okay. Mark found himself reassuring them in turn that Seb was hanging in there and although they were still concerned, they were optimistic that he should make a good recovery. His parents could hear the tiredness and anxiety in Mark's voice for all that he was attempting suppress it. On each end of the call they were trying to keep things positive, knowing all the while that the vast distance between them was holding them back from saying and doing what they really needed to.

To Mark's side Seb's mother was talking to her children and Jan in turn, trying to answer their questions without really having any real solid information to pass on from the doctors other than that there was no discernible damage, but things were still uncertain.

 

Mark parents left off with their repeated attempts to comfort him by reminding Mark that they had seen some terrifying crashes of his own over the years and that he had been okay, Sebastian must surely get through this frightening episode too.

Before he hung up, Mark's mum spoke again.

“Mark you will look after yourself as well won't you?”

He paused, not knowing how to respond. Mark didn't care about himself, only Seb.

“Mark?”

Diane sighed heavily.

“Mark have you had any sleep?”

“A bit... Not much,” he admitted.

Far away, sat in the lounge in their home, Mark's parents looked at one another, guessing what that meant.

“I have to take care of him.”

“You have to take care of yourself too,” insisted Alan.

“I'm okay.”

He plainly wasn't, but these things were relative. Mark only thought about how he felt in comparison to how Seb was doing. There was nothing his parents could do except continue what they had been doing and pray for Sebastian as so many others were, and ask that a thought might be spared for their son by his side.

 

Mark thanked them and returned their reminder of how much they loved him. He hung up and called his sister. She answered on the first ring.

“Mark. Oh Mark how are you? How's Seb?”

Mark closed his eyes for a moment, wishing more than ever that she was here with him and not so very far away.

“He's... He's doing okay. There's nothing bad on the scans they've done, so... Could be worse. He's not great but...”

Mark swallowed, this was harder with Leanne than his parents. He couldn't bullshit her. His sister always saw right through him.

“We still don't know if any of the damage is permanent,” he admitted quietly.

“Oh Mark, you must be so worried.”

Mark almost laughed. Understatement didn't cover it.

“They said his heart stopped? Oh god Mark, I can't imagine. It must have been awful.”

Mark couldn't even think of that, it was too painful.

“ _Yeah.”_

Her brother's voice was tiny. He didn't sound like Mark at all. Leanne tried to think of anything useful she could say.

“Is he still in the ICU?”

“Yeah.”

“But no relapse? No more, I mean, no problems with his heart or anything like that?” questioned Leanne.

“No, thank god. When he first woke up there was... He had a bit of a scare... He didn't know what was going on and things got a bit... the doctors were pretty worried...”

Mark's voice caught but Leanne was the one brushing away tears.

“But he's okay?”

“Once he calmed down, yeah. He's pretty much okay physically, it's just we don't know...”

Mark was speaking in a low voice, not wanting Heike to hear him expressing his doubts.

“They say it's concussion, severe concussion, but it's worse than anything I've ever had. He's very confused, doesn't remember things...”

“But he remembers you?”

“Yeah. I don't know what I'd do if... if he didn't...”

Mark tried to take a steadying breath. He couldn't let go, he had to keep holding it together.

“But he _does_. I'm sure if he forgot everything else, Seb would still know that. If it was you, wouldn't you be the same?” suggested Leanne.

“Yeah,” nodded Mark.

If it was the only thought he had left in his head Mark would want it to be of Sebastian and what they meant to each other.

 

“The rest will come back to him, I'm sure of it.”

“Are you?”

His sister was always right about things.

“Yes. Everything that matters, and in the meantime you'll take care of him won't you?”

“Of course I will. I should get back to him now really. He's asleep but...” Mark swallowed hard again. “He gets scared when he wakes up and he doesn't know where he is.”

“It must be very frightening.”

“Yeah.”

“For both of you.”

Mark pushed down the truth of that inside him. It did frighten him. He hated seeing Seb like that.

Leanne heard so much in the silences and short answers her brother gave.

“Oh Mark, I wish I could give you a hug right now.”

“Me too.”

Both of them stopped at that, the truth of it and the impossibility of their wish.

 

“Have they said how long they want to keep him in?” asked Leanne.

“No. They say they just want to monitor him. That's all we can really do; wait and see.”

“I don't suppose you're going to be going anywhere,” asserted Leanne.

Mark huffed an almost laugh.

“No.”

His sister could only imagine what a state Mark had been in and what he was still going through.

 

“I wish there was something I could do,” offered Leanne.

“Yeah, me too. Me I mean. I feel so helpless just sitting there, not doing anything.”

“No Mark, I don't believe that for a minute. You _are_ doing something, you're taking care of him, you're making sure Seb knows he's okay when he doesn't know anything else. I think that's very important.”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“No suppose about it. I'm sure when he's better Seb will be able to tell you how much it means to him.”

“I know he'd do the same for me.”

“Well of course he would. He loves you, you love him.”

“Yeah.”

Mark's voice sounded shaky and he couldn't hide it.

“Oh Mark, I'm so sorry. He will be okay, I'm sure of it.”

“He has to be.”

“He will be. In the meantime you have to stay strong, okay Mark. You stay strong for him and you get through this. I'm not going to tell you it's going to be easy, but you will get through this.”

 

Mark blinked hard and leaned the side of his head against the cool metal railing of the fire escape. He could really use that hug right now, but he couldn't break, if he gave in and broke down as he wanted to and sobbed down the phone to his big sister, telling her the truth of all the terrors he had been through and his fears for Seb that still gripped him; How painful it was to see the person he loved suffering and how scared Mark was about whether he was going to get the Seb he knew back. If he gave in and let all those terrible things out, Mark thought he might fall apart and he couldn't let that happen. Leanne was right, he had to stay strong for Seb.

 

“Yeah.”

“You sound tired.”

“I am,” Mark confessed.

“You said he's sleeping now?”

“Yeah. His dad's with him. He's been sleeping a lot, but then he woke up on and off through the night. The doctors say rest is good.”

“They're right. For you too, okay Mark?”

Leanne thought how what Mark described sounded familiar to her from countless nights sat up with her children when they were sick. It wasn't on anything like the same scale of course, but maybe it was the one piece of advice she could offer.

“Sleep when he sleeps, rest when Seb does. If you're exhausted you'll be no good to him. Have faith Mark. You always say what a tough little sod he is.”

“ _Yeah,”_ Mark agreed in little more than a whisper.

Oh god he was going to cry, he couldn't cry. If he started crying again Mark didn't think he would be able to stop. Seb was tough because he'd had to be, just to survive. How could this happen when things had finally been going well for them? What had Sebastian ever done to deserve such relentless suffering?

 

“I should get back to him.”

“Of course. You'll remember what I said, won't you?” checked Leanne.

“I will, thank you. I'm sorry I couldn't call before now.”

“No Mark, you were with Seb. There's nothing more important for you to be doing. Don't go worrying about calling us again. Christian can give us updates, that's fine. Just know we love you and Seb and we're all thinking of you.”

“Thanks, I love you too.”

Mark ended the call and dumped his phone into his lap. He let his head sag further down and felt the weight of everything on him. Heike looked over, concerned at the strain visible on his face and raised her spare hand to place it on Mark's back for a moment while she continued to listen to her daughter.

 

After a minute or so Heike turned to Mark, moving her hand away to cover her phone.

“Fabian would like a word if you're up to it?”

Mark took in a composing breath and straightened himself up again to take the phone.

 

“Hey kiddo, how're you doing?”

“Mark? How's Seb?”

Sebastian's little brother sounded very young over the phone. Mark forced confidence into his voice as he replied.

“He's doing better. You know how tough your brother is don't you Fabe?”

“Yeah I guess. Mum said he doesn't remember stuff. Is that normal? She said it's concussion,” asked Fabian anxiously.

“Yeah mate that's normal. I know it's scary. It's a bit scary for Seb too, but we're with him and the doctors are keeping a very close watch.”

“You're looking after him?”

“I'm doing my best mate. He just needs to rest,” assured Mark.

“He's still in intensive care though,” worried Fabian.

“Just to be sure, okay Fabe? That's how the doctors make sure he's alright.”

“But they, they said his _heart_...”

Fabian's voice wobbled and his breath sounded snatched. Mark was sure Fabian was trying not to cry. Poor bloody kid, thought Mark, he still didn't know whether it would have been more upsetting for Seb's little brother to have seen him in the hospital or to be stuck worrying at home. Mark wasn't sure there really was any good option. He had to sound solid for him. Fabian needed Mark to be dependable and certain so he could trust that Seb would be okay. Mark couldn't let him know how even hearing the word 'heart' cut through him now.

 

“He's doing okay Fabe, alright?”

“I was so scared.”

“Yeah mate me too, me too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course, but all the doctors did everything right to help him,” Mark asserted.

“Mum says the drugs they're giving him make him sleepy.”

“Yeah well that's no bad thing,” assured Mark.

“She said he has really bad headaches.”

Mark nodded, he hated to see Seb in such pain, dulled and weakened in this state.

“Well that's why they give him the medication, to help him feel better. Look Fabe, I've had concussion and it's not fun and Seb's got it worse than I've ever had it from any of my crashes in the past, but I got better and he will too.”

Mark just had to keep telling himself that.

“Okay.”

Fabian sounded evened out again and Mark was glad that he might have helped reassure him.

 

“Good.”

Mark sighed.

“Fabe I'm so sorry I didn't pick up any of your messages. I wasn't ignoring you. I've only just switched my phone on now.”

“Oh no it's okay. Mel explained about how you can't in the hospital. It's okay, I didn't mean to bother you.”

“You weren't bothering me. It's just I was with Seb,” Mark explained.

“Of course. I'm so glad you're there with him. I wanted to come but they wouldn't let me.”

“Yeah well...”

Mark didn't know what to say to that.

“I'll take care of him as best I can for you alright Fabe?”

“Yeah, I know you will.”

Fabian felt calmed for hearing Mark's voice. Somehow it seemed impossible to imagine anything really bad happening to Sebastian while Mark was with him.

 

“Will you tell Seb I love him? He'll probably think it's stupid...”

“No he won't and yes I'll tell him,” promised Mark.

“Okay. I guess you want to get back to Seb?”

“Yeah I should do. Are your sisters there?” Mark wondered.

“They're in the kitchen.”

“They alright?”

“Kindof, I mean they were really worried too.”

“Of course they were. Well you look after them won't you?”

Fabian nodded. Mark always made him feel more of a grown-up. Surely he wouldn't have stopped him going to the hospital like his parents had?

“I will. Jan's here too,” Fabian explained.

“Good, you've got back up then. Alright Fabe, I'd better go. Say hello to the others for me.”

Mark turned to see Heike holding out her hand ready to take the phone back.

“Your mum wants another word. Take care and I'll give your love to your brother.”

“Bye Mark. Thanks.”

Mark handed the phone back over and waited while Heike finished up.

 

She hung up and looked over at him and gave him a little nod. They'd both done what they could there. They stood up, ready to return to Sebastian's bedside, but just before they headed back through the fire exit doorway, Heike turned and put her arms around Mark to give him a hug, Mark hugged her gratefully back. Just a brief moment of letting out some of the stress they were both under, knowing they were in this together. Then they re-set themselves again and set off to return to their place by Seb's side to continue their watch.

  


  


  


  


  


Sebastian lay in the half-darkness of his room. It was never entirely dark because of all the machines around him. He wished they weren't there. All these things attached to him made Seb feel like he was a captive, held pinned in place like a mounted butterfly, but everyone kept telling him they were there for his own good. So Sebastian had stopped protesting about them and it seemed to make everyone happier and he knew he'd done the right thing. Dr. Phillips had reassured him that all the monitoring was simply 'an abundance of caution', but Sebastian couldn't really make sense of what that meant.

In a way it almost felt as if Seb never properly woke up at all, as if his body was stopping him, keeping him in a hazy sub-level of consciousness protecting him from experiencing the genuine level of pain that crept in when it all got too real and Sebastian was grateful to slip back under the soothing fog of whatever it was they were dosing him with for a spell.

The doctors had been gone for a while now and Sebastian was glad to be left in peace. All they ever seemed to do was prod and poke him, ask him to do silly things over and over that Seb couldn't see the point of. They kept on asking him questions, repeating the same ones which also seemed pointless seeing as Seb thought he was no more likely to have different answers for them. It gave Sebastian a headache trying to think and sometimes he thought he had the right answer, then it turned out he didn't and that left him feeling so confused that Seb didn't want to say anything any more. The only reason Seb complied at all was because Mark and his parents said that it was important. Seb couldn't see why knowing what day it was could be considered important but they looked so happy when he got things correct that a part of him wanted to please them, so he tried his best. Unfortunately when he got answer wrong his family couldn't help looking worried, and that frightened Sebastian more than he wanted to admit to himself.

It felt like a never-ending ordeal, repeated through the day; the doctors and their whispers and their furtive note-taking. Seb just wanted them to leave him alone and let him sleep.

Sleep was always the best thing for him, Seb knew that. Unfortunately now every time he went to sleep it meant startling into wakefulness again at some point later, not knowing where he was and what was going on, feeling afraid and lost. He didn't know how he would get through it if Mark wasn't always there holding his hand, reminding him of where he was and what had happened. Mark was his anchor when they gave Seb his painkillers and he floated away, making sure Seb knew he was safe. When he woke up, his heart racing in fear at finding himself in this strange place, Mark had hold of him and talked him down until Sebastian understood again. When his head hurt more than he could bear, Mark made the doctors stop what they were doing and make the pain go away, stroking his hand and reassuring Sebastian that he shouldn't worry about anything and that he was going to be alright. Seb knew that had to be true because Mark didn't lie to him. So he let the doctors do whatever they had to and hoped that soon he would fall asleep and when he woke he would be home again and everything would be okay.

  


  


  


His parents had finally been persuaded to go to a nearby hotel that had been sorted out for them. Seb's mother had argued that she ought to stay, but she had to concede that her back was aching from sitting so long in those chairs and Heike wasn't sure she would be able to take another night of it. They knew before asking him to come with them that Mark couldn't be dragged from Sebastian's side, but Britta and Christian had offered nonetheless. Seb's parents were in truth somewhat relieved that Mark insisted on staying, knowing that he would take care of their son while they got a few hours rest.

 

Sebastian lay there feeling the comfort of Mark holding his hand. It seemed as though Mark hadn't let go of it at any point, but that was good, it was a constant, just like Mark was, sitting there quietly watching over him.

They hadn't been talking too much this evening. Once Seb's parents had left the nurse had been in a couple of times to check things over, but other than that Seb was happy they had been left in peace. Mark had told him a little about all the messages he had received from their friends. He told Sebastian that he'd had a text from Pauline worrying about him and telling Mark that she was looking after the dogs until they came home. It had taken Seb a moment to grasp what he was talking about, but then Mark had dropped in that Pauline was their housekeeper and then it clicked with Seb that of course she was, he remembered that didn't he? Almost anyway and that counted. It was nice to think of the dogs being looked after and it reminded Sebastian of home.

 

“We'll go home soon won't we?” tried Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“As soon as we can. As soon as you're a bit better, then we'll be home again.”

“Yeah,” sighed Sebastian. He longed to be home.

“The dogs will be missing us. They'll have been expecting us back last night,” smiled Mark, wondering if their dogs really did understand such things and if they would be anxious for them to return.

“Were we meant to go home last night then?”

“Yeah mate, that was the plan.”

 

Their plane tickets had been booked for straight after the race, but Mark didn't really want to mention the race at all as it only upset both of them to think of what happened.

“Were we here last night?” asked Sebastian.

Mark tried not to let it show on his face how it worried him when Sebastian said things like that. They could sit here chatting almost like normal and for a few minutes Mark nearly relaxed into thinking Seb was okay and then he would let slip something that showed how far from normal things really were.

“Yeah we were here.”

“I don't remember,” confessed Sebastian, a note of disquiet leaking into his voice.

 

Mark moved his spare hand to place it on Seb's cheek to reassure him.

“That's okay. It doesn't matter. You were asleep mostly.”

Mark omitted to say the word 'coma', knowing it would unsettle Seb to be reminded of what they had told him had happened. He stroked his thumb over Sebastian's cheek below where the oxygen tube rested. His skin was smooth where the nurse had shaved him earlier, the doctors suggesting it might be best to keep the cannula positioned correctly without stubble growing too much and getting in the way. Sebastian hadn't particularly liked it, but his mother had insisted and Seb had sat there obediently, despite feeling stupid to have someone do this for him.

 

“But you were here,” continued Sebastian, knowing that wasn't a question.

“Of course. I'm not going anywhere, okay darling? I'm staying right here.”

Mark gave Sebastian a smile which he just about managed to return.

“You know your mum and dad have just gone for a bit to get some sleep,” reminded Mark, not wanting Seb to think anyone was leaving him.

“Yeah.”

His mum and dad were older. They needed proper rest. It was okay that they'd gone as long as Mark was here.

 

Mark thought Sebastian seemed slightly groggy again. He came and went a little. Mark wasn't sure if that was the concussion or the drugs that were in his system.

“How are you feeling?”

“Hmm?”

“Does your head hurt again?” checked Mark.

Sebastian went to nod and Mark held his hand more firmly against Seb's cheek to prevent him from doing so.

“No darling, don't do that, remember? It makes it worse. Just lie still.”

Seb didn't know why he kept going to move his head like that when it left him feeling as though his brain was rolling around inside his skull. He closed his eyes for a second feeling unsteady again and tried to shut out the dull ache that was building again.

“If you need to, you can press that little button and it'll give you a dose of the painkillers,” reminded Mark.

He took his hand from Seb's cheek and lifted the wire with the button attached and placed it in Seb's left hand so he could press it.

“Okay?”

Sebastian remembered not to nod.

“Yeah.”

 

Seb let out a long sigh. The drugs would kick in soon and take him away.

“You won't let go of me will you?”

“No darling, I won't let go.”

Mark thought he never wanted to let go of Sebastian ever again.

 

Sebastian squeezed his right hand where Mark held on to him.

“Thank you.”

“You don't need to thank me, it's okay.”

Seb looked at Mark. There were bags under his eyes and he had more stubble than he usually did.

“You look tired Liebling.”

Mark could almost cry at that. He gave Seb a tight smile back.

“I'm alright sweetheart.”

“Why didn't you go to the hotel as well?”

Mark huffed a tiny dry laugh.

“And leave you? No darling, I told you, I'm not going anywhere. I'm okay. I wouldn't sleep away from you anyway.”

“I like that you're here.”

“Me too.”

Something in Mark's voice sounded low and heavy, Sebastian wasn't sure if that was because he was tired or because Seb himself was starting to phase out due to the painkillers flooding his body.

“I wish you could lie down with me.”

“Yeah, so do I,” admitted Mark.

All those god awful wires and tubes keeping them from being together. Mark longed to crawl onto that little hospital bed to hold Seb close, but there was no way he could do anything that might detract from the medical care Seb was being given.

 

“Could you rest your head down do you think?”

“Hmm?”

“On my pillow. If I moved it over? You could put your head down next to me. I'd like that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Seb started to try to lift up, but it made his head swim and he couldn't do it, so Mark did it for him. He slid his hand behind Sebastian's head and gently raised it by a fraction as he shifted the pillow a couple of inches further over to the edge of the bed, then lowered him back down.

“I wish I could take this off,” Seb complained.

He raised a hand towards the oxygen tube fixed under his nose.

“I know. It's for the best though. Try not to touch it, okay?”

“Okay. Will you lie down?”

 

Mark shifted his chair as close as possible to the edge of the bed where the guard-rail was dropped down on this side and turned it to a degree where he could try to reach over and rest his head down next to Sebastian's.

“How's that?”

Sebastian turned his head as far over on its side as he could with the restrictions of all the medical equipment attached to him. The drip was still in his arm on the other side, so he couldn't move too much, but this was okay, he could see him like this. Mark's head was on the pillow and his face just a few inches away. For a moment Seb could fool himself that they were just in their bed at home like normal.

“That's nice,” agreed Sebastian.

Those lovely warm eyes, so close now. His Mark, right there. That felt better.

 

Mark strained his neck reaching further over for a second and gave Seb a little kiss on the lips. It was strange with the cannula in the way but Sebastian smiled back and that was all that mattered.

Mark settled back a bit and found the most comfortable position he could manage from where he sat, leaning over the side of the bed to settle his head down on Seb's pillow with him. It did feel good just to rest it down at long long last. Mark didn't even know how many hours he'd been awake now, forty, forty-two? Too many. And so many of those hours stretched out with fears and worries. He was dog-tired.

“My head feels all fuzzy,” reported Seb.

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “That's the painkillers darling, it's okay, just go to sleep now.”

“You sleep too,” instructed Seb drowsily.

“Okay.”

Mark didn't need much incentive. As soon as Sebastian closed his eyes and he saw he had safely drifted off, Mark shut his own eyes. He had no energy left to resist and despite the peculiar angle Mark was resting at, sleep swiftly took him into its welcome embrace.

 

 

  


  


Some time later a woman dressed in a nurse's uniform silently entered the room. Shutting the door behind her she regarded the sleeping pair: Sebastian rested on the bed looking like a fallen angel; His eyes shut, the long blonde-tipped lashes unflickering in dreamless sleep, his fair hair lying dishevelled on the pillow. If it weren't for the dark marbled bruises staining Seb's skin across from his shoulders and down his chest, and all the intensive care equipment attached to his body, it would appear as though there was nothing wrong with him.

It was Mark who looked ill; his skin grey in pallor, shadows under his closed eyes, cheeks hollow and overgrown stubble on his jaw. The two faces contrasted starkly as they lay inches apart, turned in towards one another on the same pillow, but each seemed just as deeply asleep, their bodies gently rising and falling with steady breaths. As the woman's gaze followed downwards she saw that below where Mark sat awkwardly slumped over onto the bed, his arm stretched alongside Sebastian's by his side to where their hands stayed clasped tightly together on top of the covers.

 

Though all was clearly not well, they looked at peace. The woman smiled as she looked at them for a moment, then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a mobile phone to snap a photograph. She checked the image, then took a couple more just to be sure.

Her smile spread to a satisfied smirk as she turned to make her exit. This had been _so_ easy and the picture was even better than she could have hoped. She could hardly believe her luck. She was sure she was going to get much more than she had anticipated when she had decided to take this risk, it was bound to be worth it. The woman opened the door and glanced around to check that the coast was still clear. There was no one about so she could disappear back into the endless corridors of the hospital and ditch this stolen uniform before anyone noticed she had ever been here.

  


As the door clicked shut, Mark stirred and his eyes flicked open for a moment, but it was nothing. He looked back over at Seb and saw him safely asleep. Things weren't as they should be, but he'd take this for now. Mark let his eyes fall shut once more and gave Sebastian's hand in his the gentlest of squeezes. Seb was here, he was safe, he was close. For now Mark would take this.

  


  


 

* * *

 

 


	80. Baby Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It oddly pleases me that this chapter turned out 11,111 words long. Yeah I know I've gone insane now....  
>   
> 

* * *

 

 

 

Following a night where all had got a little more sleep, they felt somewhat better on the Tuesday. Seb still felt his heart snatch at the way he still didn't know where he was on first waking, but this lessened through the day when he awoke from drifting off. Seb settled more quickly and he was getting better at answering the doctors questions.

The pain continued though, rather more than before as Sebastian became more aware of it. The doctors couldn't give him very much increased doses of medication to counter it without sedating him too heavily. When this was explained to him Seb considered asking them if they really would sedate him completely. He wasn't sure that they really understood that he wasn't merely whining and being a baby about a little headache. The pain built from a dull ache until it was like a fire behind his eyes and though Seb pressed the little button for painkillers it was never really enough now that he was in a higher state of consciousness. Even when it wasn't so bad Seb still felt more or less off; a strange mugginess in himself that never entirely lifted. The only way he could manage to explain it was that it felt as if he was both drunk and horribly hungover at the same time.

Sebastian didn't want to complain too much as he saw only too plainly how it worried his family. He felt guilty for putting them through all this, especially his mother who looked so anxious and had more than once repeated that she wished they had never bought Seb that first go-kart when he was a little boy. Mark was far more stoic, but Seb knew he worried too. He tried to hide it on his face, but Seb saw it in his eyes. Those eyes were still more tired than the others' seeing as Mark had received the least comfortable night's sleep of all of them.

Part of Sebastian knew Mark should have gone to the hotel to get a proper rest like the others had but he couldn't help being glad that Mark had stayed with him. Sebastian felt terribly clingy, he never wanted Mark to leave his side, never let go of his hand. When Mark left him even for a couple of minutes just to go to the bathroom Seb felt his anxiety levels rising and he couldn't stop himself squeezing Mark's hand so tight when he returned that Mark felt the need to apologise and reassure Seb for a while until he felt better. Sebastian tried to stop himself from behaving like this, knowing it worried Mark, but he just didn't feel strong enough to control it.

 

Sebastian resolved to try harder to give the doctors the answers to the questions that they wanted. If he'd been awake for longer when they came through he did rather better and Dr. Phillips had given him a little chat explaining his injury to him; most of it seemed vague seeing as no one could tell him precisely what was wrong seeing as the scans were clear and they could only hypothesise that his concussion and amnesia was effectively the result of something like bruising of his brain. When his family asked why it was that there was no sign of this on the scans Dr. Phillips explained that was actually normal for concussion.

The most positive thing from Seb's point of view was that Dr. Phillips had told him that given his extended spell in a coma he was actually doing remarkably well in the circumstances which suggested that his projected recovery had the potential to be good. No one could give them any kind of time-line, but Dr. Phillips had suggested that it might be helpful to think of the brain as a muscle and if he kept exercising it by talking with his family and the doctors then Sebastian would be training it to work better again.

It was tiring though and this combined with the hideous headaches meant that Sebastian had periods where he simply had to let the painkillers do their work so he could rest and allow himself to switch off again for a bit. The doctors had finally told Sebastian about the cardiac arrest he had suffered immediately after his crash, considering that he was now in a position to take the news without risking too much of a shock. When they had told him, Seb could hardly get his head around the notion. It just didn't seem possible that they had had to restart his heart right there on the side of the track. He'd watched his family's tense faces as the doctors spoke of this and Seb knew it had to be true. It must have been terrible for them. As far as he could tell from what the doctors had said they didn't think it should have any lasting detrimental affect on him, but Seb did wonder if that was why he felt so tired all the time.

 

 

 

 

In the early afternoon Sebastian had just got through another of the evaluation sessions. He still couldn't recall with any clarity the events of the past week, but he was doing a little better with general details and how much effort it took to draw facts from his clouded mind.

The nurse had adjusted his bed to sit a little more upright. Initially this had made Seb feel slightly woozy, but he was so sick of lying down Sebastian hadn't admitted this and now he was used to it, sitting up felt better, as if he was more a part of the world around him and he was starting to finally feel properly awake. His father was talking about something and nothing to do with the route they had taken coming in to avoid the press that still lurked in front of the hospital when something clicked in Seb's brain and he looked at Mark.

“Dan.”

Mark was thrown by this seeming non-sequitur.

“Hmm?”

“Dan. Dan's my team-mate not you,” stated Sebastian.

A smile broke out on Mark's face.

“Yes. You remember?”

“Yes. Yes Dan's my team-mate. Grins all the time.”

Mark laughed, out of relief more than anything.

“Yeah mate, that's it. Big goofy grin. He's a good guy. You really remember?”

Sebastian very nearly nodded, than remembered just in time not to do that.

“Yes. I don't know why I didn't before.”

Mark shrugged.

“Tall, dark, Aussie. Not that hard to see how you got us mixed up.”

“No Liebling, you're nothing like him,” disagreed Seb.

Mark shrugged. He didn't care just as long as Seb remembered.

 

“Do you remember anything else?” asked Norbert.

Sebastian paused, trying to think. The bit about Dan had just popped into his head unprompted, like a door swinging open without warning. It didn't seem to work so well when he tried to force those doors open.

“I'm not sure... I don't think so.”

“Nothing about the race?” tried his father.

“I...”

Seb really wanted to give them what they wanted, but he just couldn't pin any of that down.

“...not really,” he admitted.

“Never mind dear, step by step, no need to rush,” assured his mother.

 

Mark was calling the doctors over who seemed pleased and Sebastian wanted to carry on proving that he was getting better, but he couldn't come up with anything else.

“You are feeling improved?” asked Dr. Marrianti.

“Yes, really,” asserted Sebastian.

'Really' was an exaggeration, but his headache was at a low ebb currently, so Seb decided that qualified.

Dr. Marrianti consulted with Dr. Vizzioni, then they both returned to stand at the foot of Sebastian's bed.

“We think that perhaps you might be ready to try some new tests.”

 

 _Oh joy,_ thought Seb, _more tests,_ but he wasn't going to say that out-loud.

“What kind of tests?” asked Mark.

“Stability, balance. If Sebastian feels up to it that is.”

He looked at Seb.

“Get out of bed you mean?” checked Sebastian.

“Yes. To see if you can stand, walk a little perhaps?”

Mark was tempted to want to keep Seb safe in bed, but that wouldn't help him. They had to see how Sebastian was really doing and if the test was positive he knew he would be relieved.

Seb's main thought was that would surely mean that they would have to detach him from all these horrible machines. If he got that then Sebastian was willing to try anything.

 

Reaching agreement Sebastian insisted on sending his mother out of the room while a nurse came in to sort out fixing up his hospital gown properly once the wires and tubes were removed. After a couple of minutes there was a knock on the door and Dr. Phillips appeared.

“I was wondering if I could join you, also your mum asks if she's allowed back in now?”

Sebastian was sat on the edge of the bed now, Mark in front of him. Seb looked down at himself.

“I look stupid.”

“Nonsense. You look very fetching in a nightie.”

He shot Sebastian a grin and Seb actually felt better for it. Mark teasing him felt like normality.

“Okay.”

Seb looked up to the door and they came through. He stayed on the edge of the bed, shuffling forwards awkwardly, feeling ridiculous to have such an audience waiting to see if he could do something as simple as stand up. He put his bare feet on the parquet floor and it felt cold and strange. He risked a more solid press down, but still kept the majority of his weight on the bed. Mark had a hold of his arm and was looking at him intently, as was everyone else. Sebastian couldn't decide whether he was more concerned that he might fall over or that he might fail their expectations. Seb tried not to look nervous. This was just standing up, he did this every day without thinking anything of it, why was he so uncertain now?

 

“Just trying standing, keeping your hands on the bed,” instructed Dr. Marrianti.

Sebastian shifted further forward and then risked doing just that. Mark kept his hand on Seb's arm so he knew he couldn't fall. It was okay.

He stood up. He legs held although they felt like jelly. Seb forced his knees to straighten and tried to take the weight.

“Now, can you let go of the bed?” pressed Dr. Marrianti.

Seb moved one hand, then glancing at Mark he dared letting go with the other.

Mark nodded at him.

“I've got you, it's okay.”

Mark would never let him fall.

“Okay.”

He let go.

Sebastian took a deep breath. How could this be scary? It was insane. All he was doing was standing up. His family were giving him encouraging smiles and nods so Seb tried to keep any uncertainty off his own face.

“Very good. Now how do you feel?” checked his doctor.

“Umm, okay.”

 _Umm, stupidly terrified and wobbly,_ was the honest answer.

“Mark can you let go of him?” asked Dr. Marrianti.

Mark wasn't sure he could.

Seb looked at him.

“I'm okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark released Seb's arm and it felt like a plaster being ripped off.

 

The doctors were all watching him, evaluating Sebastian. He didn't want to tell them that he felt distinctly unsteady.

“How do you feel?”

“Okay.”

“Can you take a step?”

Seb tried to move one leg and it was bizarre how much an effort of concentration it was and how his limbs felt like lead.

He succeeded in taking a step forward, Mark's hand was only an inch away from his arm just in case and Seb didn't want to admit how grateful he was for that.

“Excellent. And another step,” coaxed Dr. Marrianti.

Another step. He could do this. Sebastian managed to get half-way across the room until he had to stop again and Mark's hand was back holding on to him. His parents looked as pleased as surely they must have done when he toddled his first steps as a baby all those years ago.

 

“Well done Seb,” praised his mother.

“I'm not really doing anything.”

“You're doing great,” insisted Mark.

Somehow when Mark said it Seb felt less silly for trying so hard.

 

“Do you want to try a little further?” encouraged the doctor.

“Um, yeah okay.”

Seb managed to get almost as far as around to the other side of the bed before he felt so dizzy from concentrating that he had to stop again. Mark had both hands on him before Sebastian knew it.

“I think that's enough,” asserted Mark, seeing the look in Seb's eyes.

The doctor stepped in and they helped Sebastian to sit back on the bed.

“How do you feel now?” enquired Dr. Marrianti.

Sebastian blinked and worked hard to pull himself back.

“I'm okay. Just tired.”

Tired? He was fucking _tired_ from walking a dozen steps? It was crazy. What was worse was that the truth was he wasn't just tired, Seb felt so light-headed he was certain if Mark hadn't grabbed him just then, he would have gone down like a nine-pin.

 

“Okay, sit back on the bed then,” allowed the doctor.

The nurse moved in to assist him along with Mark, and Sebastian was sat back leaning on the raised bed. The doctor took her place to lean in and look at Seb, examining his eyes.

Seb inadvertently closed them tight.

“If you could just look at me a moment?” requested the doctor.

Sebastian forced himself to do that.

The doctor frowned, Sebastian looked unfocussed to him.

“How do you feel now?”

“I'm okay.”

“Yes?”

The doctor sounded sceptical.

“Yeah, I'm okay,” insisted Seb.

“Very well. We will build up.”

“He did well though, right?” encouraged Mark.

“Yes, this is good. We may try again later.”

 

Sebastian rested his head back. The whole room was spinning and if he'd actually consumed any food in the past twenty-four hours Seb was sure he would be throwing it up right about now, but he hadn't so he was okay. These things were relative. If the room would just slow down he'd be fine in a moment. Probably.

Mark squeezed his hand and got in his eye-line.

“You sure you're okay?”

“Mm.”

That didn't qualify as a lie, did it?

“Okay, well maybe rest for a bit.”

Mark had felt how much weight Seb had leaned into him. He didn't seem great to him right now.

 

The nurse was preparing to hook him back up to his machines and Sebastian got himself together a bit to look at his doctors.

“Do I have to have them?”

The two Italians discussed for a moment.

“We think for now yes. Perhaps later we try again and we see how you are.”

Seb wanted to protest, but as his parents resumed their seats by his side his mother patted his hand.

“No rush dear. You did very well then.”

 

Sebastian sat meekly back and let the nurse do what she wanted. If he fought it they would get annoyed with him when he need the doctors on his side. He had to try harder at the test when they did it again later.

Mark was still looking at him with concern.

“How's your head?” Mark checked.

“I think I just need to rest a bit,” tried Sebastian.

“Okay then.”

Mark gave his hand a rub. He wasn't at all convinced Seb was quite as fine as he was making out, but there was no point making a fuss. All these people pressuring Sebastian. Mark didn't want to be another one. Seb might be exaggerating how well he was, but it was still progress.

 

 

 

 

Later on the doctors returned to try again and Sebastian managed to do a full loop of the room walking on his own and everyone congratulated him on it as though it was some kind of victory. Seb refused to tell anyone how much effort it took and how grateful he was to climb back into bed again. It made no sense that doing such a tiny little activity wore him out and left him feeling as though he had just climbed off some kind of ride at a funfair that had spun him around until he was sick. Sebastian was used to doing laps in his car at 200 miles an hour, how could this be exhausting him?

When the doctors returned in the early evening and asked if Seb wanted to try walking out into the corridor and seeing if he could go a little further, he really wanted to tell them no, he was too tired, but he didn't. He got almost as far as the nurses' desk before Sebastian stopped and had to close his eyes needing to throw up the non-existent food in his stomach. He swayed a little, but Mark's hands were on him, holding him up and Sebastian risked looking up at him. He hated seeing how concerned Mark appeared.

“I'm okay.”

Mark gave him a dubious look.

“My legs just feel a bit rubbery.”

“Okay, let's head back.”

 

Sebastian nodded and cursed himself. Fuck, that was a mistake. His head felt like a bowling ball had crashed into the back of his eyes. Lights were sparking. He was going to be sick.

“I've got you, it's alright.”

Seb felt Mark's grip tighten and the doctors were up close. So many damn people around watching him. Sebastian forced himself to steady.

“I just need to sit back down,” he insisted.

 

The walked him back and once back in bed Sebastian did feel a bit better. He took a slow deep breaths let himself relax. It was just a little walk. It shouldn't have taken so much out of him. He just had to keep pushing and surely he would get back to normal.

As the nurse went to hook him back up, Seb tried again.

“Do I really need all those machines? I'm doing better aren't I?”

The doctors conferred and Sebastian tried to persuade them.

“I'll sleep better without them.”

Mark had to smile despite his concerns. Seb was so bloody stubborn. It was good though, that was his Seb. Battered and bruised maybe, badly shaken and laid low, but still _him_.

 

“Seb you need to let the doctors know what's best,” tried his father.

Sebastian wanted to pout, but he looked at the doctors again.

“They've not shown anything have they?”

The doctors had to concede that other than the mild spikes that occurred when Sebastian woke up there had been nothing major of concern over the past two days.

“Very well. We will remove the monitors for tonight, but keep the rest. We compromise, yes?”

Seb nearly nodded again, but no, he wasn't to do that.

“Thank you.”

He could live with oxygen tube and the drip for now, maybe he could persuade them to get rid of them tomorrow?

“Small steps,” emphasised his mother.

Sebastian had to agree, it felt as though small steps were all he could truthfully manage for now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Early the following morning Seb sat with his family all around him once they had arrived back from staying at the hotel again. Mark had spent yet another night propped up on the chair by his side and was starting to wonder if it was becoming physically attached to him he'd been sat in it so long. The nurse had brought Sebastian some breakfast and he had tried a little solid food hoping that it wouldn't merely provide something for him to throw up when his headache inevitably kicked in at some point. Mark was drinking the coffee Britta had put in his hand and was actually managing to consume the accompanying sandwich as they both let Seb's parents run on.

 

It felt as though they had been in the hospital for weeks not days. Seb's parents were finding things to tell Sebastian about his brother and sisters from their conversation this morning and Christian, Britta and Dr. Phillips were back in their regular spot in the ante-room, logging into the hospital wi-fi to try to get some work done and to keep busy.

Britta was just starting her checks of what the news outlets were putting out this morning when she moved on from the more respectable sites to check the tabloids and she stopped dead.

“Oh Christ!”

Britta was staring at her screen. Christian and Dr. Phillips looked up from their spots around the room.

“What is it?” asked Christian.

Britta could hardly speak. She shut her eyes for a second and shook her head. Christian got up and sat by her to look at her laptop screen.

“Fucking hell.”

 

They were all looking now. There it was, an unbelievably callous piece of intrusion: Sebastian lying unconscious in his ICU bed, medical equipment all around attached to him, Mark asleep by his side looking exhausted, reaching over to lay his head down by Seb's and clearly still holding his hand. It was in abstract an incredibly touching picture of devotion, but the reality of it being published was horrendous. The headline ran:

_LOVER'S VIGIL – Mark stays by Seb's bedside_

 

Britta sighed and sank her head down.

“How? Oh god. How could they do this?” she mumbled into her hands.

Britta didn't have a huge amount of faith in the morality of the media at the best of times, but this was a new low. She couldn't understand how anyone could bring themselves to invade someone's privacy when they were so vulnerable like that. It took a lot to shock Britta these days, but this had done it. She took in a breath and looked at Christian, feeling like crying.

“Unbelievable,” bit Christian angrily.

“That means someone was in their room,” pointed out Dr. Phillips.

“You don't think someone here?”

Dr. Phillips shrugged and shook his head. It went against everything medical professionals were meant to stand for, but people were capable of terrible things when tempted by what was doubtless a very nice fee for that horribly compelling piece of voyeurism.

“I don't know, but someone got in there to take this.”

“We should never have left,” bemoaned Britta.

Christian sighed heavily. It hadn't occurred to him that they might need to get security on Sebastian's room. It now seemed hopelessly naïve of him to have trusted that Seb was alright to be alone with only Mark there.

 

Britta started digging around while Christian made calls. The photograph featured in a number of the lowest sort of papers and websites. It was barely seven am but already the picture was sweeping the internet; shared, re-tweeted, commented on, derided and protested about, denounced by many who nonetheless included the picture to illustrate how shocked they were that such a photograph could have been taken and printed. There was no way to pull this back. She'd had no warning whatsoever and it had clearly originated from a source with absolutely no fear of any consequences. Give it half an hour and all the mainstream news sources would be discussing it too. Britta called her counterparts back in Milton Keynes to get them on the case, but the truth was there wasn't much you could do except protest in the aftermath and make sure none of the even vaguely responsible publications were tempted to reproduce the photograph on pain of prosecution.

After ten minutes of this Dr. Phillips offered to go and speak to the hospital to get to the bottom of how this could happen and to try to establish if it might have been an internal member of staff.

“I'll come with you, but...”

Christian looked at Britta and she knew before he said it.

“...we have to tell them.”

Britta shook her head.

“We can't.”

“Britta we can't _not._ ”

“Seb's in no state.”

Christian sighed, knowing it was true.

“Mark then.”

“He's going to go crazy.”

“I know. He's right to, but...”

Christian opened out his hands. How many times had they had to go to them and tell Mark and Seb that the media had fucked them over once again? Surely Sebastian was in no condition to take this, but if they didn't at least tell Mark and he found out later that they had kept it from them, then Christian didn't want to imagine how angry Mark would be.

 

Christian knocked on the door with trepidation. He stuck his head into the room.

“Mark, um, do you have a minute?”

Mark frowned over. He didn't really want to leave Seb.

“What is it?”

“I just need you a minute out here. I'm sorry.”

 

Mark looked to Sebastian.

“It's okay,” agreed Seb.

“I'll just be a minute.”

He gave Seb a smile and a squeeze of his hand before he got up and reluctantly left the room.

 

Once outside he saw Britta's face and knew something was amiss.

“What is it? Have the papers said something?”

“Mark I think you'd better sit down.”

Mark looked at them suspiciously. This was bad, whatever it was. He sat by Britta who had shut her laptop.

“Mark I'm really sorry.”

Everyone looked apprehensive and Mark wished they'd just spit it out, what could the papers have written that they hadn't already?

“There's a picture.”

Mark had already been told that there were shots of Sebastian being treated at the scene of the accident. It was horrific, but what more could there be of that now?

 

Britta went to speak then found she couldn't. It was too awful. Christian saw her struggling and knew it had to be him.

“Mark we're really sorry, but we've just found out there's a picture, in a few tabloids, not many but...”

Christian sighed, god this was hard.

“Somehow someone got in and took a picture.”

“A picture of what?”

Mark had a horrible foreboding.

“A picture taken in Seb's room...”

“What?”

Mark sat sharply forwards. This couldn't be.

“I'm so sorry Mark. Somehow they've got a picture of Seb... and you. It must have been late at night, you're asleep, someone must have snuck in...”

Mark shot up off his seat.

“What the fuck? _No._ You're fucking kidding me? You can't... you can't be serious?”

He felt unsteady and Mark dropped back down to sit again. He turned to look at Britta as if she could somehow tell him it wasn't so.

“Britta?”

Britta looked pained.

“Mark I'm so sorry.”

“Oh my god. Oh _god_.”

Mark clamped his hands over his temples. This couldn't be happening.

“I'm so sorry. I don't know how it could have happened.”

“Show me,” Mark demanded.

“No, Mark, you don't want to see.”

“I bloody well do. Show me.”

 

Britta looked over to Christian who gave a tiny shrug. What could they do? Britta reopened her computer and showed Mark the offending photograph.

Mark gasped. It felt like a blow direct to the solar plexus. There they were for the whole world to see: Seb at his most peaceful, completely defenceless and Mark who should have been protecting him asleep by his side.

“ _Fuck.”_

 

Mark swallowed hard and crunched his eyes closed. He felt Britta's hand on his arm and he wanted to shake it off, wanted to be angry with her, but it wasn't Britta's fault.

“Who took this? How could they? Who could just walk in here? How could anyone _do_ this?” ran on Mark in fury.

“We don't know. We've only just found out,” explained Christian as calmly as he could.

“How could they print this?” asked Mark sounding bewildered.

Even the smallest degree of common humanity should have told anyone that this was beyond unacceptable levels of invasion of privacy. Mark felt sick.

“Who did this?” pressed Mark, the anger building in him.

“We don't know. We'll deal with it,” tried Christian.

“Deal with it?! I'll fucking deal with it. Are they still outside? The press?”

“Mark.”

“No, I'm going to fucking kill them, I'll kill them,” vented Mark, his voice vibrating with rage.

He stood up, hardly knowing what he was doing. He wanted to take Britta's laptop and hurl it at the crowd he knew were still outside.

“Bastards, all of them, blood-sucking bastards!”

 

Seb's door opened and Norbert came out and shut the door behind him, looking concerned as to what the row was about. Mark lowered his voice the moment the door opened but he was shaking with anger as he started to tell Norbert what had happened before anyone else had chance.

“The papers. They've gone too far this time. They've gone too far.”

“Mark sit down.”

Britta pulled at his arm and Mark sat stony faced, anger bubbling inside him as they explained things to Seb's father.

 

“How could anyone do that? It's disgusting,” protested Norbert.

“I know, you're right. We're going to try to deal with it,” pacified Christian.

Dr. Phillips set off to go and find some hospital representatives to get to the bottom of the incident and Christian and Britta were already planning the consequences they could bring to bear on the perpetrators, but none of this undid the fact it had happened.

 

 

In his room Seb sat with his mother, increasingly disturbed by the muffled sound of raised voices outside.

“What's going on?”

Heike looked in the direction of the door.

“I don't know. I'm sure it's okay.”

She wasn't sure at all. Mark's voice, her husband's voice. She couldn't hear what was being said through the solid wall and door, but whatever it was it wasn't good.

“Should I... shall I go and see?”

Seb was torn between not wanting his mother to leave him and the need to know what was happening.

“I'll just be a moment,” decided his mother.

 

She got up and was gone and Seb was left alone. More voices outside and for all that Sebastian was trying to persuade himself that he was feeling better today and that surely there could be nothing to be afraid of, he felt as anxious as an abandoned child. He bit his lip and sat further up in bed. He wanted Mark back.

“Mark?”

Seb wasn't sure he was really up to shouting and he knew it was pathetic, but he tried anyway.

“Mark!”

 

Outside, Mark heard his name. Fuck. Seb needed him.

“I should go back through.”

He looked at the assembled group unable to voice the question: 'What the hell do I tell Seb?'

“Mark,” started Christian.

Mark shook his head. He was done with all this. Seb needed him, he'd let him down enough already.

 

He walked back in and went over to the bed.

“Mark what's happening?” asked Sebastian anxiously.

Mark sighed and sat on the edge of the bed to face him, his face and body language tight.

“Mark?”

“Mark why are you upset? What's going on?”

Mark felt appalling seeing Seb's face looking at him, so open yet alarmed. He had two choices: Lie to Seb or break his heart. He had no choices.

Mark raised a hand and placed it on Sebastian's cheek. He let out a shaky sigh.

“I'm so sorry sweetheart.”

“Mark?”

“Oh hell, Seb, I'm sorry...”

 

Sebastian stared at Mark in disbelief as he told him.

“ _No.”_

“Sweetheart I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know how they got in, who they were...”

Seb's face crumpled and he started crying uncontrollably. A picture of him and Mark asleep here where he was supposed to be safe, where he was supposed to be looked after. Someone had waited for their guard to be down and then stolen that precious moment of peace and exploited it for money, exposing them at their weakest to the whole world. It felt like a violation.

 

His shoulders hunched and Sebastian's head dropped as he sobbed on Mark's shoulder, clutching at him as Mark pulled Seb in and held him in his arms.

“I'm so sorry darling, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry...”

Mark voice broke and he was crying too. He ignored the oxygen tube in the way and pressed his cheek against Seb's temple. Seb was trembling and Mark tried to soothe him by rubbing his arm and squeezing him tighter. He didn't know what to say make this better but all the rage Mark felt had disappeared the moment he saw how distraught Sebastian was. He just had to make this better, look after Seb. Nothing else mattered.

 

Sebastian's parents stepped through the door, saw the scene in front of them and turned back around. They weren't a part of this.

 

 

Mark and Seb sat there for a while holding onto one another. Sebastian still letting out shuddery breaths after he had stopped crying. He'd been persuading himself he felt better before, but now he felt terrible. Everything was spinning and he felt so sick Seb wasn't sure he might not lose that breakfast he'd made the mistake of eating earlier. Seb knew that it was because of the shock and feeling so upset. Mark continued to try to soothe him, watching carefully to see that his distress didn't spill over into an attack, but it seemed Sebastian didn't currently have the energy to reach such a stage.

Sebastian kept his eyes closed and tried to shut out everything but Mark's arms around him. He wanted to curl up with Mark holding him and go to sleep, but not here. He wasn't safe here. Anyone could just walk in and do whatever they wanted to them. They had to leave this place.

 

After a while Mark felt Sebastian settle and he sat back a bit to look at him, wiping a knuckle gently beneath his eyes to dry them.

“I'm so sorry darling. It's horrible I know.”

Seb looked at Mark, trying to pull himself together.

“How could someone do that? How could they just walk in here?”

“I don't know, I just...”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have fallen asleep.”

Seb frowned, wondering what Mark meant, then realised belatedly that Mark was implying that it was his fault.

“What? No Mark. You were so tired.”

“I'm supposed to be looking after you.”

“You can't stay awake twenty-four hours a day. You're not to blame, it's them, whoever they are.”

Sebastian looked down feeling horrible again. How could people do this?

“I think they're trying to find out, who it was, if it was someone from the hospital or an outsider.”

It didn't really make it better either way. Either security was so bad that anyone could wander in here, or a staff member had betrayed the trust placed in them.

 

Seb looked up at Mark.

“I want to go home.”

Mark sighed at the way Sebastian was appealing to him with those big blue eyes still damp with tears. He didn't know how he was meant to resist.

“Sweetheart...”

“No, please Mark, I'm feeling better. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go home.”

He wasn't safe here.

 

“You're still not well,” tried Mark.

“I'll be better at home, I promise,” insisted Sebastian.

“ _Seb.”_

“I’ll do whatever tests they want. I'll pass them and then we can go home. Please can't we go home?”

“Seb you've got concussion.”

Sebastian gave a little shrug.

“They just keep saying I need to rest.”

“There's still things you can't remember,” protested Mark.

“They can't do anything about that here. Maybe I'm just not meant to remember the race? Maybe it's for the best?”

Mark sighed. He couldn't argue with that.

“We can't just leave.”

Sebastian was pouting, knowing that he was close to behaving like a child, but he felt like a child here, he felt helpless trapped in this hospital bed.

“How can I rest here now?”

It was an unanswerable point. The worst of it was that Mark largely agreed with Seb. He didn't feel good about them being in this place any longer either. He couldn't protect him here.

 

There was a knock on the door and Seb's father came to ask if they could come back through. The doctors were there waiting to apologise along with hospital's Chief Administrator who stood saying he couldn't believe that such a thing could happen in his hospital and assuring that site security was going through all CCTV recordings to establish who the transgressor was.

None of this really helped either Seb or Mark feel much better. Christian offered to either get some security of their own in or for him Britta and Dr. Phillips to take shifts outside to make sure that no one could get past.

Britta looked at Mark and Seb still sat on the bed together and felt guilty that they hadn't done that already. She'd been so exhausted with the strain of the last few days the idea hadn't even occurred to her.

“I know this isn't going to really help, but I don't think they'd try it again. They have their picture now, there isn't a lot of value in a second one.”

Mark looked at her. She was right; it didn't really help.

“We're doing everything we can to follow this up,” assured Christian.

“It's a disgrace,” protested Heike. “Aren't there laws against them doing this?”

“I've already spoken to the legal team, they're on it.”

It still didn't change the fact that the picture was out there.

Sebastian's mother shook her head. Her son seemed to be afforded no privacy at all.

“Is nothing sacred?” she complained. “These people, how do they sleep at night?”

 _Warmed by their big piles of money,_ thought Mark darkly.

“They can't have any kind of conscience,” agreed Norbert.

He looked at Seb and it was obvious how upset he still was. Mark still had his hand on Seb's arm and he was clearly upset as well. No wonder Mark had been so furious, the media seemed to have no limits when it came to how they treated the pair. It was unconscionable.

 

“Look, we'll get on with this and leave you in peace,” offered Christian.

All but Seb's family and the doctors exited the room. Mark got off the bed to allow Seb's mother to give him a hug and his father a reassuring pat on the arm. Neither of them could think of anything positive to say on the subject other than to check he was okay, which Sebastian of course asserted his was despite feeling anything but.

 

Mark looked at the doctors.

“How much longer do you think he needs to stay in here?”

The doctors were thrown by that.

“Well, we... I'm not sure. He needs time to recuperate.”

“I'm feeling much better,” insisted Sebastian, trying to make sure he sounded as solid as possible.

“You have a severe concussion, you must rest.”

Yes, thought Seb, and how am I meant to do that here now?

“Can't I rest at home?”

“You are only just beginning to regain some memories,” tried Dr. Marrianti.

“I know, but...”

“Your motor skills are still limited.”

“But they're getting better?”

The doctor sighed and looked to his colleague. It wasn't hard to see what was happening here.

“Perhaps if we run some more tests this morning we can reassess...”

“Okay, yeah.”

 

Sebastian saw the way they all looked at him, but he was determined to do whatever it took to persuade them that he was well enough to leave.

 

 

 

The morning was spent doing all the tests the doctors could think of. Sebastian forced himself to walk further then he thought possible, he pushed away the dizziness it induced, looking for points to focus on to keep himself going and ignoring the growing compulsion to vomit. Somehow Seb even managed to complete their further tests of balance making him do ridiculous things like stand on one leg. By the time he sat back down on the bed Sebastian was drained and couldn't disguise the paleness of his face, but when the doctors asked him how he felt, the only answer he would give was 'fine'. He wouldn't tell them anything of the pounding in his head.

The doctors consulted amongst themselves then came back to begin their questions.

It felt as though he was being tortured and when they shone the light into his eyes to examine him again Sebastian was tempted to think of them as being particularly cruel Gestapo interrogators, but the difference was he _wanted_ to give them answers, he wanted to tell them everything he could think of. Sebastian did everything he could to dredge the correct information from his memory, to recall the things they wanted to know, guessing at some things where he really couldn't remember.

“And were are we Sebastian?” checked Dr. Marrianti.

“St. Ambrose Hospital, Monza, Milan. In Italy,” recounted Sebastian carefully.

“Yes, very good.”

Everyone smiled at him and Sebastian gave a little smile back. No one but him seemed to have noticed that the address was marked on each bit of equipment in the room.

 

They finished up their tests and the doctors agreed that Sebastian was improving, but they were still reluctant to agree that he was ready to leave. As a compromise they agreed to come back later in the morning and re-run the tests and Seb reluctantly accepted that, deciding that he would have to do a better job next time.

Once the doctors had made their notes and left the room, Mark looked at Seb. He could see that Sebastian was forcing himself and worried it might be too much.

“Seb I know you want to leave, but...”

“I'm fine.”

Mark raised an eyebrow at him.

“I just want to go home now.”

Mark sighed and looked over to Seb's parents who felt as torn as he did, knowing that Sebastian was deeply unsettled by what had happened, but not wanting to encourage him to leave the hospital before he was really ready.

“You need to take the time you need to get better,” counselled his father.

“I'll be better at home,” asserted Sebastian.

Heike looked at Norbert.

“Maybe he _would_ be better at home,” conceded Heike.

Norbert frowned.

“We could look after him. I mean if what he really needs is rest wouldn't he be better off?”

 

Sebastian glanced at Mark. When he'd been talking about home he'd meant _their_ home, not his parents'.

“Let's just see what the doctors say later,” suggested Mark. “Why don't you have a rest now?”

Mark could see a strained look on Seb's face and thought he had pushed himself too hard. Damn the papers for upsetting Seb like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Britta left Christian dealing with things upstairs and went down to speak to the group of journalists that still lingered in front of the hospital. There were far fewer than there had been originally, but a hard-core group remained. Some were from the paddock press, others general reporters she didn't know. Britta wasn't sure if it might be a mistake mixing with them when she was in this mood, but she wanted to get a sense of what the press were likely to do with this latest incident.

The moment she was outside they clustered around her asking if she had any update on Sebastian but Britta shook her head. She shook her head.

“No, I've nothing for you. I just... I presume you heard what's happened? The picture.”

She got a few nods and few yes's, a few who had the decency to look slightly uncomfortable and one or two who looked downright shifty.

“Do any of you have any information on that? Britta questioned.

One of the paddock reporters looked at her.

“Oh come on, do you really think we'd do something like that?” he protested.

“Well someone did.”

“Paparazzi, a freelance...”

“Is that what you've heard?” Britta checked.

The reporter shrugged.

“That's the rumour. You've not got anything different presumably?”

“We're investigating.”

The reporter thought that definitely sounded like a threat. He wouldn't want to be the person responsible when Britta found them. As she turned and started to head back inside he followed her to grab a few more words.

 

“You planning on hunting them down?”

She regarded the reporter.

“Off the record?”

“Sure.”

“You're damn right I am.”

“You sound angry.”

Britta coughed a dry laugh. Angry didn't cover it.

“Still off the record?”

The man nodded.

“I don't think I've been more disgusted in my life.” She looked at him hard. “Put that in your paper and we're _done_ , just so you know.”

The man held his hands up in submission. He didn't want to go on RedBull's blacklist. There were one or two media representatives who had transgressed particularly badly over recent months who had never been seen in the paddock again. Exile was a fate worse than death as far as he was concerned.

 

“Hey we said off the record. Some of us do have standards you know.”

“Some of you,” noted Britta darkly.

“Look my paper's not going to touch that picture with a barge pole, okay? You're right, it's disgusting; Breaking into someone's room when they're in intensive care? You might not believe it Britta, but we're actually pretty shocked. Those rags make me ashamed of my profession. We're not all the same you know?”

Britta sighed.

“Yeah alright.”

“Does he know? I mean Seb.”

Britta shook her head.

“I'm not talking about him.”

“Fair enough. I hope he's okay. I mean that. I'm sure he must be pretty upset at this.”

Britta gave him a look that told him 'what would you expect?'

“Right. And Mark. I'm guessing he's not too happy.”

Britta huffed a dry laugh.

“If you think I'm angry you don't want to bump into Mark right now,” she admitted, then realised she shouldn't have said anything.

The reporter held up a hand as she opened her mouth to speak.

“Also off the record, alright? Some of us have standards.”

“Yeah, okay, thank you. I should get back.”

The reporter nodded and Britta walked off, filing away the conversation thinking that as long as he kept his word she would have to do him a favour when they were back in the paddock, pausing only for a moment to realise that she was working on the assumption that Seb _would_ be back racing before too long. She hoped that was true.

 

 

 

 

 

Seb jerked awake from his nap with that terrible blankness once more, not knowing where he was or what had happened. He rested back and blinked at his surroundings. Why were his parents there? Mark was holding his hand and looking concerned and oh...

The _hospital_. That's where he was. Seb could feel his heart banging against his ribs but Mark squeezed his hand as he leaned in to check on him.

“Okay?”

Seb nodded.

Damn, damn, shouldn't have done that. His head hurt and his body hurt and he felt like he'd been run over by a steam roller. Sebastian accidentally let out a tiny groan.

Mark saw the look in his eye.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” tried Sebastian quietly.

“Do you know where you are?”

“Yeah.”

The hospital, because he'd had an accident, which obviously wasn't great, but wasn't so bad as long as Mark was there. Then a memory crashed in. It wasn't okay here, not any more.

Sebastian looked at the little property label on the drip stand to his side: St Ambrose Hospital, Monza, Milan. He could read it in the daylight. It was okay here in the daytime with everyone around, but Seb didn't want to stay another night when anyone could come in here and get to him and Mark.

 

Mark was still studying him.

“Does your head hurt? Do you want the painkiller button?”

Seb remembered not to shake his head.

“No, I'm okay.”

If everyone thought he was okay then maybe they would let him go home. Sebastian tried to make himself ignore the aches in his head and body. Couldn't he make himself live with the pain? Maybe if he just pretended even to himself that it wasn't really happening then it couldn't really hurt him, not the real him? It seemed a vaguely familiar concept.

 

Sebastian let himself sit for a moment, trying to see if there was a way he could ignore the pain into submission, not listening to what his parents were saying to him. Mark didn't say an awful lot, instead he watched Seb, trying to see how he was really doing.

“Why don't we see if the doctors are about?” suggested his mother.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah okay,” agreed Sebastian.

 

Heike fetched the doctors and Sebastian worked even harder to comply with everything they asked of him, insisting that he felt fine every time they checked. As they finished up their questions Seb was thinking he must be doing fairly well as the doctors were doing a lot of nodding. They spoke amongst themselves for a moment and then returned, glancing around Seb's family before addressing him.

“Has anyone been to speak to you, since earlier this morning?” enquired Dr. Marrianti.

“Um, no.”

Sebastian decided not to point out that he had slept a good portion of the morning after they had left him.

“Ah, perhaps Signor Priete should...”

“What is it?” prompted Mark.

The two Italian doctors glanced at one another then Dr. Marrianti answered.

“We are informed that they have been through the security cameras for the hospital and they have an image of the person who...”

“Who was in here?”

“Sì, yes, we are told they say it is not a member of the staff here. They may have stolen a uniform...”

 

Mark squeezed Sebastian's hand, more concerned with Seb's reaction than the facts themselves. Seb's parents were shaking their heads unhappily and complaining to the doctors about how such a thing could happen and how lax security must be here and receiving apologies in return. Sebastian didn't much care how it had happened, but he hated being reminded that it had.

“I am certain that they are planning to come to discuss this with you,” added Dr. Marrianti.

“Hmm,” allowed Norbert darkly. A very shoddy business all round if you asked him.

The doctor looked at Sebastian.

“I am so very sorry that this has occurred. I appreciate that you must feel unsettled as a result, but we would not wish for it to interrupt your treatment.”

“I just think I'd be better off at home. Aren't I doing better?”

He'd been trying so hard. Surely they must have appreciated that?

 

Dr. Marrianti sighed. He would never have believed that such a shocking thing could happen in this hospital. Administration was up in arms but they seemed mostly worried about the bad publicity. He was more concerned with his patient. He wasn't entirely surprised that Sebastian wanted to leave, but they couldn't release him if he wasn't ready. On the other hand if Sebastian was unhappy in this environment that wouldn't do his recovery any good. It was a dilemma.

“We can only discharge you when we consider that you are fit to be at home,” relented Dr. Marrianti.

Sebastian perked up at that. He could hear the doctor weakening.

“I'll be fine. I just need to rest don't I?”

The doctor hesitated.

“What more treatment would you have planned?” asked Norbert calmly.

“Well, umm, barring any further issues it would be more a matter of monitoring and observation,” conceded Dr. Marrianti.

 

So not _actually_ doing anything, thought Seb.

“We do remain concerned at the level of amnesia you are suffering from,” noted the doctor.

Seb sighed, he couldn't do anything about that. There were things he could guess at and things he could work out to give them the correct answer, but certain things were still frustrating elusive.

“But there could be some things that I might never remember?” pushed Sebastian.

“Well...”

“I remember the important things. Maybe the race and things, well they're just lost. What if I never remember them, does that mean I stay here forever?” argued Sebastian.

Mark almost laughed, Seb could be a wily little sod when he wanted something. Any minute now he half expected Seb to bat his eyelashes at the doctor.

Dr. Marrianti had no answer to that. He spoke with his colleague and translated what had been said, then they discussed things again before looking back over at them.

 

“Perhaps we try more of the motor-skills tests and we may make an evaluation.”

“Right, yeah okay,” agreed Seb eagerly.

And he was damn well going to pass them.

 

 

 

 

 

An hour later the doctors had to concede that Sebastian had indeed passed all their tests and he did seem coherent and fairly mentally competent even if they weren't convinced that he was quite as well as Sebastian insisted he was. Rest really was the best medicine for him and if, as he insisted, Sebastian would rest far better at home, then that might be the best solution.

Dr. Marrianti finished going through his notes with Dr. Vizzioni and turned back to the group around the bed.

“Perhaps...” he hesitated again, hoping he wasn't about to regret this. “Perhaps if Sebastian is to get proper rest, with adequate supervision...”

Seb was sat up in bed beaming despite the fact his head was still spinning from his long test walk along the corridor. He was going to go home.

 

 

The doctors called in Dr. Phillips from outside and the room started discussing tentative plans for Seb being discharged from their care. They warned that it was important that Sebastian shouldn't be left alone for any extended length of time and gave strict instructions on the permissible dosage of the painkillers they were prescribing. They also advised that he shouldn't fly due to the change of air-pressure which could have potentially dangerous and certainly painful side-effects for someone with serious concussion.

Seb was hardly paying any attention, all he was thinking was that he was getting out of there.

“So we'll drive then. Should take a few hours from here,” agreed Norbert.

Mark could tell Seb wasn't listening.

“Seb?”

“Hmm?”

His father stepped in closer.

“So Seb if we drive back home?”

Sebastian frowned at him.

“Heppenheim?”

“Well, yes...”

It only really occurred to Norbert then that his son had been referring to his home in England.

“I'm sure your brother and sisters would like to see you?”

“Yeah, of course, I guess...”

Sebastian looked to Mark who gave him the tiniest tip of his head to indicate that it seemed pretty unavoidable.

“Be a very long drive back to England if we went direct,” mollified Mark.

“Yeah, yeah okay.”

“Perhaps for a few days?”

Heike went to speak to say that Sebastian ought to be staying longer, but her husband gave her a slight shake of his head. This wasn't the time to argue.

 

“You must take it easy,” asserted Dr. Marrianti. “Do not force yourself to try too hard, allow your body to guide you and build up gradually. Yes?”

“Yeah okay.”

“We'll work out a plan,” agreed Dr. Phillips. “Once you're home, in England that is. I can arrange out-patients visits to follow up. I'll come and see you when you're back and we can sort things out.”

“Sure.”

 

His parents stepped out with the others to make the practical arrangements to sort out keeping the hire car they had and what they were going to do about the media. Mark let them get on and stayed alone in the room with Sebastian.

He gave him a steady look.

“Seb you are really feeling better aren't you?”

“Yeah,” asserted Seb, although slightly less boldly than before.

Mark raised an eyebrow, knowing only too well how good Sebastian was at acting a part when he felt it necessary.

“This is me you're talking to now.”

“I'll be better at home. I am better than I was before.”

Mark gave Sebastian's hand a rub.

“There's still a lot you don't remember.”

Sebastian couldn't deny that was true.

“Did you know where you were when you woke up?” Mark pressed.

Seb sighed and looked down.

“No,” he confessed quietly.

Mark frowned and didn't know what to say to that. Seb looked back up at him.

“Please Mark, I'll be okay. Please don't make me stay here Liebling. I don't like it.”

 

Mark had no idea how he was supposed to withstand Sebastian appealing to him like that; looking to him to fix things and make him feel better. It was torture. He couldn't decide if Seb really was too ill to leave here or if it was worse to force him to stay where he didn't feel secure. How was Mark supposed to look after him and help Seb get well again if he was unhappy and couldn't settle here? Seb deserved to be properly looked after, kept happy and safe. That was all Mark cared about. He'd look after him and Seb would be okay.

 

“Yeah alright.”

He stroked his hand reassuringly over Seb's. Mark would just have to watch over him. He should be able to do that better away from here and Seb would be far happier. That had to be good for him.

“I'll just take the painkillers and rest,” insisted Seb.

“Yeah okay, well just so long as you'll do what the docs say and take it easy.”

“I will, I promise.”

Mark wasn't planning on letting anything else happen.

“Alright then darling.”

He leant in and kissed Seb on the forehead.

Sebastian closed his eyes and sighed out a relieved breath. He was getting out of here at last. He'd feel better then and maybe this horrible headache would calm down. If he could just properly relax he would feel better, Seb was sure of it.

 

 

Before the nurse removed the last of the equipment from him Sebastian allowed himself one last click of the painkillers button. He'd passed their tests now, it was okay. As it kicked in Seb let himself feel the relief flow through him as the pain was submerged by the drugs. He wasn't really concentrating on what the doctors were saying to his family.

“So if he feels ill; unbearable headaches, blurring of vision, extreme nausea or vomiting, regression in memory, becomes incoherent, loses motor-skills, or if he faints or cannot be woken from sleeping you _must_ seek medical attention,” Dr. Marrianti advised, trying to run through all the things he worried could occur once Sebastian was out of their care.

 

“We understand,” agreed Norbert.

The doctor looked to Mark.

“Yep, got it. I've had concussion before myself, I mean I know this is worse, but...”

“Good, yes then you should understand. Unfortunately some pain is unavoidable, as is a degree of occasionally lacking awareness of things and the amnesia...” he paused. “Sebastian is correct, there may be things he does not remember, you will just have to wait and see.”

“We'll keep a close eye on him,” agreed Mark.

“I realise that Sebastian is a determined character and he may want to run before he can walk.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“You have no idea. Yeah okay, we'll look after him.”

“He must rest, build up taking gentle exercise, not overdo it,” emphasised the doctor.

“We'll work out a programme for him,” put in Dr. Phillips.

 

Seb managed to focus a bit and looked to the group of people stood at the end of his bed.

“Are you talking about me?” he asked Mark.

Mark smiled and walked back around to his side.

“Yes.”

“We going now?”

“Almost. Just a few things to sort out.”

 

The nurse removed the last of Seb's medical equipment and everyone left the room so Mark could help him dress in the most comfortable clothes he found in the cases that had been sitting in the corner for several days now. He gave Seb a little smile.

“One of your hoodies or one of mine?”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Yours.”

Mark nodded and dug one out. He'd guessed as much. Seb let Mark pull it on for him and half zipped it up.

“There we go, all done.”

Sebastian looked up at Mark stood in front of him as he sat on the edge of the bed. Mark had even tied the laces on his trainers for him.

“I feel about five.”

Mark grinned.

“Me waiting on you hand and foot? I'd have thought you'd love it,” he teased.

Sebastian gave him a look back in return.

“I just want to go back to normal."

Mark nodded.

“I know darling, I know.”

 

He sat down on the bed next to Seb and wrapped his arms around him, Seb pressed his cheek against Mark's and they sat that way for a moment before Mark moved back to kiss Sebastian properly on the lips. He sat back and smiled at him

“Much better without all those awful wires,” Mark noted.

Seb almost nodded but remembered to stop himself just in time.

“Yeah.”

“Okay then, well let's get going. They've fixed it so we can leave via the back so no one should see us.”

“Are we sneaking off?”

“Yeah that's it,” agreed Mark.

Mark set his arm around Seb again and gave him a little squeeze. So maybe they were leaving earlier than they ideally would, but it would be good to get out of here. How far away that prospect seemed a few days ago. Seb really was a lot better. Mark consoled himself that it would all be okay.

  
Sebastian set his feet down on the floor. He still had to consciously think through his actions, but it wasn't so bad. It certainly felt better to be properly dressed. It helped him feel more normal.

“So they've got a wheelchair for you,” explained Mark, knowing Seb wasn't going to like this.

“Er, _no_.”

Mark couldn't help smiling.

“Now come on, I've promised them all you're going to behave.”

“Mark.”

“We've got to get all the way to the other side of the hospital to the rear entrance. I reckon it's about a half mile.”

Sebastian sighed. He didn't think he could force himself to walk that far.

“Okay,” he relented.

 

He was going to feel a complete idiot, but if that was how he got out of here, then Seb would have to live with that.

 

 

 

 

 

They were at the back entrance to the hospital where Christian had brought round the hire car. None of the media had caught wind of what they were doing and the plan was to release the information that Sebastian had left the hospital a while after they had gone, to give them time to be well away in case anyone got any stupid ideas about following them. Once they had sorted that out, Christian, Britta, and Dr. Phillips would get a taxi to the airport and head home, all as glad as Sebastian was that they were leaving this place.

Seb had climbed out of the despised wheelchair while his father put their things into the boot of the car and was exchanging hugs.

“Take care of yourself,” invoked Britta.

“I will.”

“I know you'll take care of him,” Britta noted, giving Mark a hug in turn.

Mark nodded.

“Thank you. Really Britta I can't begin to thank you for everything.”

Britta shook her head.

“Nonsense, what else would I do?”

Christian was giving Seb a hug as well. He was tempted to tell Sebastian that the team was already looking into the causes of the crash, but now wasn't the time. He certainly wasn't going to mention anything about when Seb might be back at work.

Mark gave Christian a hug and his thanks as well.

“Let us know when you're back and I'll come round,” offered Dr. Phillips.

“Sure.”

“Are we ready then?” checked Heike, keen to be on their way.

“Yep.”

 

They shook hands with the doctors and then they were getting into the car and being waved off as if they'd merely been visiting.

Seb's parents were in the front, Norbert driving and Mark sat next to Sebastian on the back seat. He lifted his arm so that Seb could lean into him and Seb let out a long sigh as he rested his head down on Mark's shoulder. As they safely pulled away from the hospital grounds and began their long drive it felt as though he was finally free, as if he had escaped some kind of prison.

Mark turned to check on him.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, just tired,” Seb spoke very quietly so it was just for Mark. “My head hurts a bit.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a little squeeze and kissed the top of Seb's head.

“Have a rest sweetheart, we've got a long journey.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and let out a long exhale, concentrating on letting himself relax. He was alright now, leaving the hospital and all its trials behind him. They'd stop off at his parents for a bit and he could let the rest of his family see he was really okay and then Mark would take him home at long last. Seb unwound into Mark's hold and felt its comfort. He was so tired.

 

Once he was sure that Sebastian was comfortably asleep Mark fished out his phone and started to finally try to reply to at least some of the messages he had been sent. He kept it short, only thanking people and apologising for the delay, letting them know that Seb was doing much better now.

Mark looked down and watched Seb safely sleeping against him and hoped they were doing the right thing. Seb was happier though, Mark was sure of that and he was taking him home, by a round about route at any rate. There had been a terrible point where Mark had feared he might never get to do this and he could have lost Seb forever. If it wasn't for everything from the features on the car and his helmet and Hans device, to the safety at the track, to the medical treatment he had received in time, Seb could have been killed. In another age, not so very long ago, he would have been.

He kissed Sebastian's forehead and smiled softly as Seb didn't even stir. It was okay now, he was only sleeping.

Mark looked back at his phone and tapped on the Twitter app. He hadn't been on here in ages given how crazy things had gone in the past few months, but Mark wanted to say just one thing to the world.

He typed the words and tweeted:

 

Thank you Sid

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know who Sid is right? (*Right?*)


	81. Wake Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So will Seb be okay now he's out of the hospital like he wanted?

* * *

 

 

 

As they settled into driving along the motorway Seb's parents glanced in the rear view mirror to see their son tucked under Mark's arm, Seb's head resting on his shoulder, Mark leaning on him in turn, his cheek against the top of Sebastian's head. They were both fast asleep.

“Do you think he's really alright?” wondered Norbert.

Heike turned around to look back again.

“We'll take care of him. I'm sure he'll be better off where he's happy.”

 

Before they had set off Mark had offered to swap over driving duties with Sebastian's father later on, but they could see how exhausted Mark was and Seb looked more settled now that he was out of the hospital. There was no way Norbert wanted to part them, so he drove on and left Mark to rest with Seb.

 

 

 

 

Mark woke up as they came off the autobahn and looked to his side to check that Sebastian was still asleep against him. He looked peaceful and Mark took a deep relieved breath in before turning his head to kiss Seb's forehead and then rested his cheek back against him. He looked at the houses as they went past, vaguely recognising more places as they got closer to Seb's parent's home.

As they finally pulled up outside the house Mark gave Sebastian's arm a gentle rub.

“Wake up Seb, we're here.”

There was no response at first and Mark had to tell himself not to panic. Seb was never easy to wake at the best of times.

“Seb, wake up.”

Mark sat up straighter and pushed Sebastian to sit up as well, still keeping his hands on him to make sure he was balanced. Sebastian blinked and looked at him, clearly disorientated.

“It's alright sweetheart, we're here.”

His parents were turned around in their seats to look back at them.

“We're home now.”

Sebastian tried to take in his surroundings.

“Home?”

Mark moved to make sure he was in Sebastian's eye-line.

“We're at your parent's,” he explained, looking carefully at Seb to see that he understood.

“Right.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a squeeze and Sebastian took in calming breath. It was okay.

“Right then, we'll get your bags and things,” offered Norbert.

“Thanks,” replied Mark.

 

Seb's parents got out and started pulling bags out of the boot while Mark gave Seb a hand to get out of the car.

“I'm alright,” Sebastian insisted.

“Course you are.”

But Mark kept his arm around him as they walked up the path just the same.

 

Before they were half-way up towards the house the door was open and the rest of Seb's family were outside to meet him. Fabian rushed forwards then suddenly stopped to prevent himself knocking into his older brother. Mark let go of Seb so he could receive what was a far more tentative hug than his brother really wanted to give him. Sebastian felt Fabian's arms go right around him and he returned the gesture as his little brother pressed carefully into him. As he finally stepped back Fabian looked up at Seb and found he didn't know what to say.

“I'm okay,” reassured Seb.

“Yeah?”

“Just got chucked around a bit too much this time. Good thing we racing drivers aren't too bright to begin with,” Seb tried joking, then regretted it as his brother's lip wobbled and he looked on the point of tears. Seb pulled him back in.

“I'll be alright. They wouldn't have let me out otherwise would they?”

“Okay,” managed Fabian quietly.

Fabian was so glad to see his brother, and he was talking and walking around, so surely he must be alright.

Fabian finally let go and allowed his sisters to take his place, enveloping Seb in another light hug, all of them cautious as they worried about how delicate their parents had warned them he was.

“Come on,” encouraged Norbert from the doorway. “Let's go in and get your brother sat down.”

 

Mark stayed back and let Sebastian be taken in by his solicitous sisters. Fabian turned around to look at him, thinking how awful Mark looked, worse than Seb really.

“How you doing kiddo, you alright?” greeted Mark.

Fabian just nodded tightly and then flung himself at him so hard that Mark had to take a step back. Mark wrapped his arms around him and felt Fabian let out some little shudders and he realised he was crying. Mark gave his arm a rub.

“He's alright mate, he's doing alright.”

Fabian stood back and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve and Mark gave him a nod.

“I was so scared.”

“Yeah I know, me too.”

Fabian swallowed and calmed himself down.

“Come on, let's go and take care of him a bit, eh?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Mark smiled and ruffled Fabian's hair, thinking how much he'd been through in the past year. All of that and Fabian had never wavered in his loyalty and adoration of his older brother. He was such a good kid.

 

They walked to the door. As Fabian entered the house he turned and looked at Mark.

“You look terrible.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, thanks for that.”

They carried on walking in.

“Mum said you never left him. You must be knackered,” sympathised Fabian.

Mark shrugged.

“I went to the bathroom occasionally,” he tried joking.

Fabian nodded. He'd known Mark would stay with his brother. Fabian wondered if he'd slept at all, it didn't much look like it.

“You're alright aren't you?” checked Fabian.

“Yeah mate, just tired. As long as Seb's alright, I'm alright,” Mark reassured.

 

 

They sat in the lounge while Seb's parents took things upstairs and his sisters fussed over him before going off to make tea. Sebastian sat wedged on the sofa between Mark and his brother. It seemed bizarre seeing as he had slept though most of the journey, but he was tired again. How could he be tired from just walking into the house and assuring his family that he was doing okay?

Sebastian leant his head onto Mark's shoulder feeling a little light-headed and Mark turned to look.

“Alright?”

“Yeah, just...”

Mark nodded.

“Fabe, do us a favour? I think your mum and dad left Seb's backpack in the hall. Can you fetch it for us?”

“Course.”

Fabian went to find it and put the bag at Mark's feet so he could rummage in it to find a bottle of painkillers.

Sebastian saw his brother worrying.

“I just have a headache.”

“It's normal Fabe, okay?” reassured Mark. “If you have concussion you're stuck with headaches for a bit.”

“Right. Shall I get some water?”

Sebastian nearly nodded but stopped himself. It was so hard not to do such a natural thing.

“That'd be great, thanks,” offered Mark on his behalf.

Moments later his brother reappeared and Mark handed Sebastian his pill to swallow, stowing the bottle back away. Seb settled back in against him and Mark put his arm around Seb's shoulder. He could see Fabian still looking concerned.

“He just needs to rest.”

Fabian nodded and tried to take comfort from how certain Mark sounded. His brother was very quiet now they were inside, but he guessed that was normal too. Mark didn't seem worried so it had to be. He shuffled up closer to his brother and leaned into him a little bit. Neither Seb nor Mark commented on it.

 

 

The family sat around drinking tea and attempting to think of things to say to keep conversation going. Seb tried to make sure he responded to people, but he felt himself drifting, thinking that he could fall asleep right there. His mother looked over at him, seeing his eyelids drooping.

“Why don't you go up to your room for a bit? Seb?”

Sebastian blinked at her, realising his mum was talking to him.

“Hmm?”

“While I get dinner ready. Why don't you go up for a bit?”

Seb hesitated, but Mark gave him a little nod.

“We can just sort our things out,” he encouraged.

 

It seemed to take a lot of effort to get up off the sofa and Sebastian felt self-conscious at the way his whole family seemed to be watching him. Entering the hallway Seb looked at the stairs and realised that he hadn't had to tackle anything this daunting yet. The stairway looked like a mountain to climb. He paused and Mark stopped with him.

“You going to be alright?” Mark checked.

Sebastian didn't quite know how to respond to that. Mark read his silence and just nodded and put his arm around him.

“No rush, okay.”

They made their way very slowly up the steps, grateful for the fact that the staircase was wide enough so they they could go up side by side with Mark keeping a firm hold around Sebastian. Seb had to stop several times but Mark made no comment, simply waiting until he could carry on. By the time they made it to their room Sebastian couldn't pretend he didn't need to lie flat out, Mark having to help him even to do that. He lay back with his head on the pillow, the room spinning so fast Sebastian had to close his eyes and tried to distract himself by listening to his heart beating in his ears.

Mark lay down on his side by Seb and gently stroked his hair for a bit.

“Feel like shit?” asked Mark.

Seb managed the tiniest of smiles and opened his eyes to look at him.

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark softly.

“I get so dizzy, it makes me feel sick.”

Seb sighed, still unable to understand why his body wasn't behaving anything like it ought to.

“It's so stupid... just going upstairs.”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling. It's not stupid. You're recovering. You have to do what the doctors said and take it easy; Small steps.”

“Very small.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah well. At least I didn't have to carry you.”

Seb smiled back weakly.

“Put me over your shoulder?”

“Don't think that would be a very good idea would it?”

Mark dropped his head down on the pillow by Seb. It was so odd the way Sebastian remembered some things without trying and other things remained a complete blank. It made no sense, but it was far worse for Seb. Still, early days yet, perhaps it was best not to over-analysise it.

 

There was a knock on the door and Mark sat up.

“Yeah?”

“Umm, it's me. You left Seb's bag downstairs,” explained Fabian.

Sebastian went to sit up but Mark shook his head.

“Stay. I've got it.”

Mark got up and crossed the room to open the door.

“Thanks.”

Fabian peered in to look at his brother lying on the bed, but Mark moved his head to capture Fabian's attention.

“He just needs a lie down for a bit. Your mum need a hand or anything?”

“Hmm? Oh, no, Mel's helping her. She says half an hour.”

“Great. Okay then, thanks.”

Mark knew that Fabian wanted to come in to spend more time with his brother, but Seb really needed to rest.

“Do me a favour mate, would you come and fetch us when dinner's ready?”

“Course.”

“Good. Like you said, I'm pretty knackered too, could just use a moment.”

“Right. Sure. Yeah I'll come and get you.”

“Good lad, thanks.”

Mark shut the door and Fabian stood in the corridor for a moment. He couldn't tell if Seb had been asleep already. His parents had said that he'd slept pretty much all the way driving here. Was that just what everyone meant by saying he had to rest? Fabian went to his room, then feeling rather useless, went down to the kitchen to see if he couldn't help out making dinner.

 

Mark came to lie back down on the bed and Sebastian shuffled closer so Mark slid his arm under him allowing Seb to rest his head down on Mark's shoulder. Seb barely opened his eyes as he reached an arm across Mark's chest and sighed out as Mark squeezed him tighter.

“Good?”

“Yeah,” breathed Seb.

It felt so good to be able to finally lie wrapped up in each other again. Sebastian barely lasted a minute before he had slipped back to sleep and Mark didn't hold out much longer. He hadn't lain down in days and just before he dropped off Mark stretched out his legs as far as he could, thinking that he had never been happier to be on a bed in his entire life.

 

 

 

It was a struggle to get up when Fabian came to fetch them and Mark was tempted to accept Heike's passed on offer just to send up a tray, but Seb wouldn't hear of it and insisted on showing his face round the dinner table, even if it was the case that when he got there Sebastian was still quiet and managed only a few mouthfuls of food whilst Mark found himself suddenly ravenous and ate everything put in front of him. Afterwards they repaired to the lounge while Mel, Stef, and Jan cleared away and Seb found himself in the same position as before, sandwiched between Mark and Fabian on the couch. His father put the television on but Seb couldn't concentrate on anything and lasted less than an hour before admitting defeat.

“I think maybe...”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian looked worn out to him. Mark hoped his little joke about having to carry Seb wouldn't turn out to be only too true, but somehow they made it up the stairs and sorted themselves out ready for bed.

Mark checked his phone before putting it down on the chest of drawers by the bed and plugging it in to charge up. It wasn't yet nine pm. Seb sat on the bed in his boxers and t-shirt and Mark took his cue from him, knowing that Sebastian wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping in less while under his parents' roof. As he sat down by Sebastian Mark looked at him, trying to get a read of how he was doing.

“Bit much?”

Seb gave a little shrug and it was such a familiar gesture it made Mark inexplicably happy and sad at the same time. He knew what Seb meant.

Mark stroked his hand down Sebastian's hair and all the way across to brush his cheek, Seb instinctively leaning into his touch.

“You'll feel better after a good sleep,” he suggested.

“Can I have some more of the painkillers?”

Mark sighed unhappily.

“It's only two and a half hours since you had some. It's too soon sweetheart, I'm sorry.”

Sebastian wanted to pout, he felt terrible after the exertion of climbing the stairs again.

Mark felt horribly mean for denying Seb. As if he was the one inflicting the undoubted pain and discomfort Seb was feeling.

“The doctors said we had to be very careful not to overdose,” he explained.

“Yeah...”

“I'm sorry.”

Mark sighed again. This was so hard.

He wrapped his arms back around Seb and sat holding him for a minute before shifting back.

“You won't feel it while you're asleep. It'll be okay.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian vaguely.

He just had to block out this dull roar building inside his head and go to sleep. That would make it go away like Mark said.

 

They crawled under the duvet and Sebastian moved down so he could lie his head on Mark's chest.

“Better?” Mark checked.

“Mm.”

“Good. There we are then darling. Sleep now.”

He kissed the top of Sebastian's head and hoped Seb would fall asleep quickly, mostly because he wanted him to escape the pain he was in, but also because Mark had to admit he didn't think he could stay awake very long himself and he needed to make sure Seb was asleep before he could relax himself.

Sebastian closed his eyes and breathed Mark in. They were separated by t-shirts, but that was okay, he could still feel him. He could feel Mark's chest rise and fall slowly, lifting his body up and down as he laid against him. It was such a reassuringly familiar sensation. Seb made sure his ear was in the correct spot and shut out the noise in his head so he could only hear Mark's heart beating strongly. It was the most comforting thing Seb could think of and as Mark squeezed him tight Sebastian's last thought before he fell asleep was that he was so glad that he had been released from hospital so he could lie in Mark's arms where he belonged. He had left that horrible place behind and he was safe here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Early in the morning Sebastian woke and at first nothing was wrong. He was lying in Mark's arms, held against his chest, warm and safe with the duvet pulled so high it nearly covered his face. Unfortunately as he lay there gradually waking up, his head started to ache worse and worse and Sebastian let out a helpless little groan as it started to overwhelm him. This woke Mark in turn, but before he had chance to check that Seb was okay, Sebastian's dulled brain realised that something was amiss. He jolted upright, staring at his surroundings and his heart seized as couldn't work out where they were. The curtains at the window were only thin but although it was now light outside, the room still seemed shadowy and strange.

Mark sat up to follow, but Seb was already panicking, taking sharp breaths in.

“Hey, Seb it's okay, what's the matter?”

“Where, where are we?” snatched Sebastian.

Oh god, his head was really swimming now, it hurt so much he was going to throw up or pass out, the whole room was swirling in his vision. It wasn't home. This wasn't home. It looked all wrong. Where were they?

Mark placed his hands either side of Seb's face to make sure he could see him.

“Seb we're at your parents'. It's okay, it's okay, calm down.”

Sebastian was still breathing too heavily and he couldn't really take that in.

“It's alright, take slow breaths okay, slow, _slow_.”

Seb's eyes were wide open. He forgot everything else and only focussed on Mark's eyes in front of him.

“You're alright, just slow down,” instructed Mark as calmly as he could, not letting Sebastian see how alarmed he was at this reaction.

Sebastian did his best and slowed his breathing down, his chest still heaving, but not as fast as before. Mark watched him carefully for a moment before pulling him into his arms, still carefully repeating his injunctions to stay calm and just to breathe, gradually feeling Seb fall into sync with his own breathing.

“There we go. It's alright, you're alright, you're alright darling, you're alright.”

Seb felt the shock leaving him and a weakness replace it. He dropped his head down on Mark's shoulder and slid his arms around him.

 

Eventually Mark felt Seb steady and sat him up. He looked at Seb with concern.

“Okay now?”

Sebastian gave a little nod, forgetting that he wasn't meant to do that and squeezed his eyes tight at the agonising pain it inflicted. Everything went blacker than black for a second and Seb forced his eyes back open feeling afraid.

“Seb?” asked Mark in alarm.

Sebastian blinked several times and then burst into tears.

“I thought we were home,” Seb confessed.

Mark sighed and stroked his cheek gently, hating seeing how confused Sebastian remained.

“No darling we're at your parents' remember?”

Sebastian didn't say anything back so Mark continued.

“We're in your old room,” he explained.

Sebastian looked about him again. Nothing looked familiar.

“No.”

Mark frowned.

“Yes darling. Don't you recognise it?”

He moved away for a moment and found the bedside light to switch it on so the room was brighter.

“Better?”

“ _No.”_

Seb started crying harder. How could this be his old room? It didn't look anything like it.

“Ah Seb, it's alright, come on mate don't get upset.”

 

He carefully wiped away Sebastian's tears, still keeping one arm around him then pulled Seb back in so they could sit with Seb resting his head turned on Mark's shoulder until he calmed down. He gave Seb's arm a rub and a kiss on the forehead.

“Do you want your painkillers?”

Seb remembered not to nod.

“Yes please.”

“Okay then.”

Mark let him go again to retrieve his pills and pass them to Seb along with the water to take them, then put them back on the drawers by the bed and sat with him, holding Seb quietly for a little while so he could settle down.

 

Eventually Mark risked asking Sebastian a question.

“You really don't recognise where we are?”

That seemed worrying seeing as Seb had seemed fine here last night.

“I... I don't know.”

Mark wondered whether it was just the pain confusing him.

“This is your old room. They changed it, your parents. They put in this bed so we could stay here, took some of the old furniture away to fit it in.”

Sebastian tried to take that in. The plain white walls were featureless and there was hardly anything else in here.

“It had a little single bed in here before, the desk over by the window.”

That sounded right. His old room, they were in his old room. It didn't used to look like this, that's why he didn't recognise it, it had all changed.

He lifted his head slightly to look at Mark.

“The little bed, do you remember that?” checked Mark.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“Do you remember Christmas?”

 

Sebastian let that come through the fog in his brain. Christmas; him and Mark squashed into his tiny little old bed together, how nice it had felt and how scary at the same time, how much trust it had taken for him to lie with Mark like that.

“Yeah I remember.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, there was no space so you were holding onto me,” recalled Sebastian.

Mark smiled more broadly and nodded, glad that Seb remembered something that was so formative in their relationship. Poor Seb, his memories all tangled up and confused, no wonder it was frightening for him.

“Ah well, that might have been a little bit naughty of me darling. I did want to hold you so badly,” Mark confessed.

Seb tried to smile back, but it was a bit too much for him right now.

Mark stroked his arm and Sebastian rested his head back on Mark's shoulder. He sighed into him feeling the comfort of it and of the happy memory.

“Just a little cuddle, that's all, it just felt so nice,” assured Mark.

Maybe he might have secretly wanted more, but Mark would never have pressed for things to go further at that point. It had felt nice though, it had been wonderful, just to hold Seb, to have him close. So long ago now.

 

“Mmm.”

Sebastian could feel the painkillers starting to work. His head was dulling and he felt tired.

“Let's lie down shall we?” encouraged Mark.

“'kay.”

Mark held Sebastian against his chest.

“Better?”

“Mm.”

Mark was softly tracing patterns on Seb's arm, his other hand holding him at the waist.

“My old room,” repeated Sebastian drowsily.

“Yes darling, that's right. It's just changed a bit that's all, that's why you didn't recognise it. Nothing to worry about, it's just changed,” Mark reassured.

 

Sebastian let out a long breath. He wasn't losing his mind, it had changed, his parents' had redecorated in here, that's why it didn't look as he remembered.

“They painted the walls.”

“Hmm?”

“In here.”

“Oh, yes. Do you remember how it used to look?”

“Mmm.”

“Was this always your room, when you were little?” asked Mark softly.

“Yes.”

Mark smiled and tipped his head into Seb's eye-line.

“How was it then? Did you have a racing car bed?” he teased gently.

“No. I had that bed, the little one.”

“All that time?”

“Yeah.”

“What else?” encouraged Mark, thinking it might comfort Seb to talk about things he could safely remember from when he was a child.

“I had my desk for my homework... and posters, all posters on the walls,” recalled Sebastian in a slow sleepy voice.

“Racing drivers?”

“Mmm.”

“You didn't have me did you?”

Sebastian managed something close to laugh, it was just a little noise and a hint in his twitched cheeks.

“You're not that old Liebling.”

“No. Good thing too.”

“Hmmm.”

 

Seb was drifting now, holding on tight across Mark and feeling himself held in turn. He was safe, it was just his old room at his mum and dad's, but they had changed it so he could stay with Mark like this. That was nice. It meant they welcomed Mark. It meant they were family.

“Have a rest now,” coaxed Mark.

Resting seemed like a good idea. Seb closed his eyes.

Mark puffed out a long breath and closed his own eyes. It was awful seeing Seb so muddled and easily distressed. It was as though all Sebastian's barriers were destroyed and he was left horribly vulnerable. Mark just had to do whatever it took to reassure him and make him feel safe until he got better and could rebuild himself to face the world.

 

 

 

An hour or so later Seb jerked awake again and Mark realised that he had also fallen asleep. He stroked Sebastian's arm as he held on to him and spoke softly to Seb, reassuring him that he was okay and reminding him where they were before carefully helping him sit up so Seb could orientate himself.

Seb looked around him. It was his old room, even if it had all changed; The plain white walls, the lack of furniture, but the window was the same, the door was in the same place. It was the same room. He swallowed hard and as Mark sat up with him, he gave Seb a squeeze.

“Alright?”

“Mm.”

Why hadn't he recognised it? He'd known it when they had come in here yesterday. Why hadn't he known it this morning?

Seb took a shuddery breath.

“Why didn't I recognise it before?”

“You've got concussion sweetheart.”

Sebastian sniffed and a tear leaked out. What was wrong with him that he couldn't recognise the bedroom he had grown up in?

Mark shook his head and sighed.

“Ah Seb it's okay, don't upset yourself again. Come on, it's alright. You have to give yourself time to get better.”

“I want to go home.”

“Seb.”

“Please Mark. Can't we go home? Our home,” appealed Sebastian.

He would know where he was there. Then it wouldn't be so frightening, having strange things to deal with all the time. Just him and Mark at home, then he would be okay.

 

Mark didn't know what to say. He understood why Seb wanted to go home, but he also knew that his family wanted him here.

“I think your mum and dad would like it if we stay here a little bit longer, then we can go home.”

“I want to go home now.”

Sebastian knew how petulant he sounded, but he couldn't help it. He had to make Mark understand.

“Please Mark, I just want to be home, then I'll feel better.”

Mark sighed again feeling trapped in a lose-lose situation.

“Please Liebling.”

“Seb.”

“ _Please?”_

 

Mark had no idea how to respond, but when he didn't reply Sebastian started crying again and Mark could do nothing but pull him in. He hated seeing how jittery Seb was. He felt so fragile. Mark just wanted to give him anything he wanted to make him happier.

“Please take me home,” begged Sebastian.

“Alright, alright, shh, calm down now, it's okay.”

Seb took another shuddery breath but stopped crying. He looked up hopefully to Mark.

“We'll go home?”

“I'll talk to your mum and dad. Don't go working yourself up, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay then. Okay...”

Mark held him back in as Seb calmed himself and didn't know what to make of this. He had thought once they got him out of the hospital Sebastian would be better, but now Mark wasn't sure if Seb wasn't worse. Would he really be better off at home as he claimed?

Sebastian crushed himself into Mark and wanted to cling to him. He knew he was behaving like a baby but he felt so weak and afraid, as if he couldn't cope with anything. He didn't understand what was happening to him, why he couldn't remember things and why every little normal action left him feeling so destroyed. Nothing made sense and all Seb wanted was to be safe at home in their own bed and for Mark to hold him in his arms while he slept until he felt better and everything was okay again.

 

Mark gave his back a little rub, trying to think what might help calm Seb.

“Why don't you have a bath? Would that be nice? Help you feel better?”

“Will you come with me?”

“Of course darling. Just let me see if the bathroom is free.”

Mark kissed his cheek and climbed out of bed, checking his phone charging on the side as he passed, seeing that it was only just past eight. None of the family had come to check on them, presumably giving them a lie-in while they had breakfast. Mark checked the bathroom and found it empty, so he started running a bath before coming back to take Seb through.

 

Seb didn't need help to undress, but he reached out to Mark to hold his hand to give him balance as he climbed in.

“Aren't you getting in?” asked Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“Do you want me to?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then.”

Mark undressed and slipped in behind Seb. He didn't think it was the sort of thing Seb would normally suggest at his parents', but he was very unsettled right now, so whatever comforted him was fine by Mark.

“Good job that door's locked. What would your mother think?” teased Mark, trying to raise a smile.

Sebastian turned slightly to look at him.

“They won't know will they?”

“How would they know? I think they're all downstairs. Are you planning on telling them?”

“No.”

“Well then. Don't worry about it. Now, why don't I wash your hair?” offered Mark.

 

He picked up the nearest bottle on the side of the bath and very very gently shampooed Seb's hair, not wanting to do anything that might hurt him.

“How's that?”

“Mm, nice.”

It felt like a soft massage, relieving the tension in his head.

“Good. Can you pass me that jug.”

Sebastian did as requested and Mark rinsed the suds off, then did the same quickly for himself. It did feel good to get clean after days without a proper wash. They stayed in for a bit, appreciating the chance to feel truly close, Mark wrapping his arms around him and Seb leaning back into Mark. Then Mark helped Seb out and dried them off so they could head back through to their room. He found the comfortable clothes Seb had worn the day before and helped him redress, then dressed himself so he could sit by Sebastian's side on the bed, finally drawing the curtains to see it was broad daylight now.

 

“What do you want to do? Do you want to go down and get some breakfast, or shall I bring some up?”

Seb frowned at Mark, feeling as though he had forgotten his promise.

“Aren't you going to talk to mum and dad?”

“You still want to go home?”

“Yes.”

“Right...”

Mark hesitated, knowing this news wasn't going to get a good reception.

“You sure you don't want to wait a bit and see if you don't feel better?”

Sebastian looked at him and in other circumstances Mark would have rolled his eyes at how easily Seb undid him with that appeal of blue eyes. He was helpless in the face of them.

“Please Mark.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Okay then.”

Mark went to stand up, but Seb grabbed his arm.

“You won't tell them I cried?”

“No of course not.”

“My sisters would laugh at me,” worried Sebastian.

Mark sighed and sat back down by him.

“No they wouldn't. They really wouldn't sweetheart. They just want you to be okay.”

“I feel so stupid.”

Mark saw how anxious Seb was and put his arm back around him.

“You're not well, that's all it is. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about anything okay.”

“It's like I can't control it. I can't control anything.”

“You're doing great Seb, okay. You can't expect to be back to normal straight away. We have to build up to it.”

“I get scared when I can't remember things. I don't even know what I don't know,” Sebastian admitted.

“Yeah, I get that. I've had concussion, nothing as bad as this, but I know it's not nice. You'll get better. You just need time to heal darling.”

“Do you think I'll remember things then?”

Mark didn't want to lie to him.

“Most things, maybe not everything. I'm sure you'll remember the important things. It doesn't matter if you don't remember things like the race, you don't need to remember that.”

“Okay.”

“Just give it time.”

 

Mark leant further in and rested his cheek by Seb's before finally pulling away.

“How's your head?”

“A bit better.”

“Do you feel sick or dizzy?

“A bit,” admitted Seb.

That never seemed to fully go away.

“Do you want to lie down?”

“Okay.”

Mark waited while Seb settled, then stood up again.

“Don't tell Fabian that I got upset. I don't want to worry him,” insisted Seb, looking up at Mark.

Mark nodded.

“I won't be long. You going to be okay?”

“Yeah it's alright.”

“Right then.”

Mark leaned in to kiss Sebastian's temple then headed downstairs feeling apprehensive.

 

 

 

 

He found the family finishing up breakfast and tidying away. Heike turned around from piling dishes by the sink to face him.

“Oh you're up? I was going to come and check. How's Seb?”

Mark sighed out a breath feeling awkward. They weren't going to like this.

“He's... Well he's okay. He's taken some of his medication so...”

“Was his head bad again?” asked Stef.

“Yeah. He gets very confused and I think, well I guess obviously that makes it worse.”

“But he's alright though?” asked Fabian, sounding concerned.

“He's resting. The pills make him sleepy,” Mark explained.

“Is that good or bad?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Good I guess. Whatever helps is good.”

“How are you Mark?” enquired Norbert.

“Hmm? Oh well you know, better for a decent night in a bed, thanks.”

Norbert nodded. He didn't know how Mark had sat up with Sebastian night after night.

“Do you want some breakfast? Shall I bring Seb something up?” offered Heike.

“Oh, um, yeah maybe. Thanks.”

Mark was trying to build himself up to say what he needed to, but it was so difficult.

“Um, listen I know you're not going to like this, but well, the thing is Seb wants to go on home now.”

 

Everyone looked surprised, none more so than Seb's parents.

“But you've only just got here,” protested Heike.

Norbert shook his head.

“I don't think that's a very good idea Mark.”

Mark sighed. He didn't know how to do this. He didn't have the energy for a fight.

“I'm sorry. I know. I know it's not ideal.”

“Not ideal? Mark what are you thinking? He needs to rest,” Heike complained.

“I know, but...” Mark let out a heavy sigh again. “He wants to go home.”

“Home? This is his home,” stated Heike sounding slightly put out.

Mark felt himself sagging. He couldn't do this.

Jan looked over and saw how Mark was struggling. He pulled out a chair for him.

“Why don't I make some tea?”

He gave Stef a look and she went to help him while Mark sat down. Fabian took the place next to him while his parents were busy looking at each other and shaking their heads.

 

“Is he okay?” asked Fabian quietly.

Mark looked at his anxious face and didn't know what to say to reassure Fabian without lying.

“He's just pretty shaken up by what's happened,” Mark explained, hoping admitting as much didn't go against what he had promised Seb.

“And he wants to go home?”

“Yeah mate, he does. I'm sorry.”

A mug of tea appeared in front of him and Mark looked around to nod thanks as Jan gave his shoulder a little squeeze. Mark took a grateful sip of his tea as the rest of the family sat down around him.

Norbert looked at him carefully.

“He really wants to go?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. I'm sorry. I know you want him here.”

“He's supposed to be resting,” reminded Heike.

“I know, but...”

“Wouldn't it be best to wait a few days?” mollified Norbert.

Mark sighed again.

“Yeah, probably, but he wants to go home now. You know how stubborn he is.”

Norbert gave a tip of his head, they did know that. Once Sebastian got an idea in his head it was almost impossible to talk him out of it.

“This _is_ his home,” repeated Heike.

Fabian looked at Mark and then his mother.

“No mum, it's not.”

Heike looked at her son, her mouth half open.

“His home's in England with Mark.”

His family stared at him, slightly stunned to hear Fabian sounding so mature and sure of himself.

 

Mark wanted to hug him. Fabian of all people he knew wanted Sebastian to stay, but here he was backing him up. He gave Seb's little brother a tiny nod.

“I know you want to take care of him here. I understand that, it's just...”

Mark sighed again and Norbert puffed a breath.

“He wants to go home,” Seb's father finished on his behalf.

Mark nodded, but Seb's mother still wasn't satisfied.

“I just don't think it's a good idea dragging him across half of Europe. He's still not meant to fly.”

“Can't they drive? I thought that was why you kept the hire car?” interjected Melanie, earning herself a scowl from her mother.

“Yeah we'd drive.”

Mark had been thinking it through.

“We'd go via the tunnel. I don't think Seb would fancy the ferry much.”

“Does he feel sick?” asked Stefanie.

Mark nodded and she nodded back knowing only too well how unpleasant that was to endure.

“Why does he feel sick?” asked Fabian.

“It's the concussion. It makes his head hurt and leaves him feeling dizzy, like you've spun around too fast and you feel like you're going to throw up,” Mark explained.

“Oh, right.”

Fabian nodded thinking that sounded awful. No wonder his brother felt so bad.

“If Seb wants to go home, shouldn't he just go home?” suggested Fabian.

 

Heike frowned even further, not understanding why her family weren't on her side.

“He should stay here were we can look after him,” she asserted.

“Mark will look after him, won't you?” insisted Fabian.

Mark nodded.

“I'll just get him home as fast as possible.”

“Well if it's what he really needs,” agreed Norbert.

“He _needs_ to rest,” protested Heike, knowing that she was losing the argument.

“Can't he sleep in the car? I thought you said he slept all the way here yesterday,” added Melanie, gaining another reproving look.

Norbert put his arm around his wife and gave her a squeeze.

“Come on love, you know Mark only wants what's best for Seb.”

 

Heike huffed a breath, still frowning. She did know how much Mark cared for their son but it felt as though he was trying to take him away from them. She tried to think rationally. Mark would never do anything to put Seb at risk, maybe she was clinging onto her son because she was still frightened by what had happened.

“It's Seb that wants to go?” she checked.

“Of course. I'd never, I mean I don't much want to go right now. I know it's not great...”

“I don't think it's Mark's idea Mum,” added Stefanie.

“No I understand that.”

Heike sighed and looked at Mark slightly apologetically.

“I know it's not your idea Mark,” she relented.

 

Heike looked at Mark and saw how uncomfortable he looked. Of course it wasn't Mark's idea. Mark was so protective of Sebastian, this had to be the longest he had left their son's side since he reached the hospital. She had seen enough evidence of how intensely close the pair of them were. Maybe that was why she was left feeling excluded. It wasn't fair to blame Mark for that. She ought to be pleased that he loved Seb so much. He only wanted what was best for him. Deep down Heike knew that when their son had been pleading to go home when he was in hospital it hadn't really been here that he meant, it was her that wanted him here. She ought to be putting Sebastian's feelings ahead of her own. Surely that was what Mark was doing?

 

“Well if he really wants to go...”

Mark gave a little nod and internally breathed a sigh of relief, he'd been dreading having to go back up and tell Seb that his family opposed his desire to leave.

Heike sighed.

“Will you let me go and talk to him for a bit?”

 _'Let'_ thought Mark, as if he owned Seb.

“Of course.”

Seb's mother nodded, reconciling herself to the situation.

 

“You must be hungry. Stef could you get Mark some breakfast?”

“I'll do it,” offered Mel, trying to get back in her mother's good graces.

“Right well, I'll pop up. Is there more tea in the pot Jan?”

“Oh, yes there should be plenty,” agreed Jan.

Heike made a mug of tea while Mel sorted out some food for Mark. Stef and Jan excused themselves to finally get dressed out of their pyjamas. Mark stayed sat at the table with Fabian while Norbert went off to try to find something useful to do to distract himself from worrying about all this.

 

“Sorry mate, you know it's not personal don't you?” excused Mark.

Fabian nodded.

“Thank you for helping,” Mark added.

Fabian shrugged. It felt like he had been sticking up for his brother.

“I don't think Mum quite understands Seb's grown up.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and gave Fabian a half hug, thinking he was pretty grown up himself.

“Yeah well, I don't think we ever really grow up in our parent's eyes. I'm sure my mum still thinks I'm her little boy.”

Fabian smiled thinking Mark looked nothing like a little boy to him.

“Your mum just wants to look after Seb that's all. She's worried about him. That's what parents do, they always worry about you, and that's only when you're going down the road, never mind when, well, when they've got real cause.”

“You'll take care of him though.”

“Of course.”

 

 

 

Sebastian sat up slightly as the door opened and tried not to look disappointed that it was his mother and not Mark. He'd pulled the duvet over him even though he was dressed, but he pulled it back again and moved to swing his legs over the edge of the bed as his mother came to sit by him.

“I brought you some tea.”

“Where's Mark?”

Seb had meant to say thank you, but he couldn't stop that coming out. Heike stopped herself from shaking her head. Sebastian was so needy right now and it wasn't her he needed.

“He'll be up in a minute. He's just getting some breakfast. Would you like something?”

“Oh, umm, thanks. Sorry.”

“That's alright.”

Heike passed her son the mug and watched as he sipped it carefully.

“How are you feeling pet?”

Sebastian shrugged slightly.

“Not great.”

“Haven't you had your painkillers?” Heike checked.

“Yeah.”

“They don't help?”

“They do, but...”

“Still not great?”

“No,” admitted Seb.

Heike looked him over. Her son looked pale. His hair was slightly damp.

“Did you wash your hair?”

“I had a bath.”

“Oh okay. Did that help?”

“A bit.”

Sebastian hesitated.

“Mum did Mark talk to you?”

Heike huffed a breath.

“He did. Seb I'm not convinced it's a good idea.”

“I just want to go home Mum. I'm sorry.”

Sebastian voice wobbled and Heike felt terrible. She took the tea out of his hand and placed it on the drawers so she could give him a hug.

 

“I'm sorry,” repeated Seb, sounding close to tears.

“No no sweetheart that's alright, don't get upset. If you want to go home then Mark will take you. It's alright.”

She gave his back a rub and Seb couldn't help himself from crying into her shoulder.

“Oh Seb, why are you crying?”

“I don't know. I just, I just want to be home,” sniffled Sebastian.

Heike sat him up a little and produced a tissue.

“Come on now, wipe your eyes.”

Seb did as he was bade and tried to stop crying as his mother rubbed his arm.

“I thought I was at home when I woke up and then I wasn't and, and...”

Heike shook her head. Her poor little boy. How confusing and frightening for him. No wonder Mark wanted to give him whatever he asked for.

 

“Alright, alright now, Mark will take you home. Will you feel better then?”

“Yeah. I'm sorry Mum.”

“You don't need to be sorry, it's okay. Come on now.”

Heike retrieved his tea and passed it back to him.

“Just sip that for a bit.”

Sebastian sipped his tea and calmed himself down. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he stop himself falling apart every five minutes?

 

“Ah sweetheart, you'll be alright, don't get worked up,” sighed his mother.

“I don't understand why I don't remember things,” Seb admitted.

“The doctors said that's to be expected dear. You had a horrible crash.”

“I'm sorry about that too.”

Sebastian knew it had been his mother's worst fear for so long.

“No dear, you don't need to be sorry.”

“I don't remember anything about it,” Seb admitted.

“No, well, I agree with Mark. I think that's for the best. You know sweetheart I think maybe you can't remember things because that's your brain trying to protect you from remembering something nasty,” suggested Heike.

Sebastian managed a smile.

“I think it's gone a bit far.”

“Yes well... I'm sure you'll be alright in time.”

 

The door opened again and Mark appeared, accompanied by Fabian bearing a plate of toast. Mark took one look and realised Seb needed a moment. He took the toast from Fabian before he had chance to properly enter the room.

“Fabe mate, I forgot my tea. Would you do me a favour and grab it for me?”

“Oh um, yeah okay,” complied Fabian, dashing back down to be helpful.

Mark put the plate down on the drawers and sat down on the other side of Seb who was rapidly wiping his eyes again.

“I look alright don't I?”

“Course you do, it's fine, I just thought I'd give you a sec,” pacified Mark before leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek, his mother having let go of him once Mark came in.

“Feel up to a bit of breakfast?” proposed Mark.

“Oh, um.”

“Your sister made it specially.”

“Stef?”

“Mel.”

Sebastian raised his eyebrows and his mother smiled.

“Well that has to be a first. You'd better eat it up before it goes cold. I'll leave you to it.”

 

Heike got up and put the plate in Sebastian's hands and he felt obliged to make a start on it despite not much fancying food in his current state. His headache was building again and the idea of lying down with Mark was more appealing, but his mother left only to be replaced by his brother carrying what was actually fresh tea for Mark seeing as when he'd got downstairs Fabian had found an almost empty mug left on the kitchen table.

Seb nibbled at his toast while his brother tried to think of things to say.

“How's school?” asked Mark.

“Hm? Oh well I've not actually gone back. Term started on Monday, but...”

“Oh I see.”

“Sorry,” apologised Seb.

His brother gave him a little smile.

“Actually no, that's the only good thing about all this. Stef and Mel said I didn't have to go.”

Mark chuckled and Sebastian raised a smile.

“Friad you might have to go now Mum and Dad are back.”

Fabian shrugged and looked at his watch.

“Bit late today. Maybe tomorrow.”

“Yeah I think you get today off,” agreed Mark.

“Are you going to want to set off soon?”

Mark looked at Seb before answering.

“No rush.”

“What time is it?” asked Sebastian.

Fabian checked his watch.

“Nearly half nine.”

“Right, well... Like I say, no rush.”

“How long will it take you?”

Mark puffed a breath realising he hadn't really thought that through. He picked up his phone and googled it.

“Quite a while. Reckon I can probably shave a bit off that.”

Seb gave him little smile, knowing what he meant, but Fabian still looked at him so Mark gave him a little wink.

“Racing driver mate.”

And an endurance racing driver at that, which was a good job really seeing as despite Mark getting one decent night's sleep, that came after three nights of little to none.

“Home in time for dinner, what do you reckon?” Mark asked Seb.

“That sounds good,” Seb agreed.

“Well we'll see how long it takes us to get to the tunnel, see if we can't get on the first train waiting and then power on home, yeah?”

“You'll be alright to drive that far?” checked Seb.

“Course. Not as bad as Le Mans is it?”

It wasn't as if Sebastian could drive anyway, so he'd just have to manage. Once they were home they could simply sleep for as long as they needed. Mark knew that was all Seb wanted to do, so they'd be fine.

 

 

 

 

Mark was lugging their bags back out to the car while Fabian sat with Seb when he bumped into Jan in the hall.

“Want a hand?” offered Jan.

“Oh, um, yeah thanks if you don't mind,” Mark accepted.

Jan took one of the cases and carried it out to put it into the boot before returning for their other bags and getting everything sorted out for them. Mark shut the boot and leaned against the car, puffing out a breath.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. You're wanting to set off then?”

Mark shrugged.

“It's a pretty long way. To be honest I'd rather get it over with.”

He regarded Jan.

“I am sorry. I know they'd rather get more time with Seb.”

“I think they're more concerned that he's okay. If he's confused about things it makes sense to want to be at home.”

“Mm, his mum's right though, I don't much like the idea of dragging him for such a long journey.”

Jan shrugged.

“You don't have any choice really do you? You can't fly and if he gets sick I expect the ferry would be pretty unpleasant.”

Mark nodded.

“Travelling in the car doesn't make him ill?” wondered Jan.

“Oh, well doesn't seem to, not more than anything else.”

“I guess Seb's pretty used to being in a car. Stef got horribly carsick when when we first found out she was pregnant. I don't really know if it was just normal morning sickness, but it was a bit of a nightmare,” Jan recalled.

Mark suddenly felt guilty that he had totally forgotten that Stefanie was expecting, what a ghastly shock she must have had when Seb had crashed.

“Oh shit Jan, I haven't even asked; She's alright isn't she? This must have been awful, the shock and all the worry.”

Jan nodded.

“She's okay. Stef's a tough cookie. I think I was more worried about her and the baby while she was worrying about Seb.”

Jan paused, realising what he'd said.

“I mean I was worried about Seb too, sorry that came out all wrong. I don't mean I wasn't worried about Seb.”

Mark placed a hand on his arm.

“It's alright, I know what you meant. Of course you should have been worried about them, that's completely natural.”

Seb was his priority as Stef was Jan's, of course that was how it should be, thought Mark.

“Family, eh? Bloody hell,” puffed Mark.

Family made life complicated, but it also made it worthwhile. Complications seemed to be the price you paid for having love in your life.

 

Jan just nodded, thinking again how worn out Mark looked.

“You going to be okay driving all that way?” he checked.

“Like you say, not got much choice have I? Unless there's a way to magic ourselves home.” Mark shook his head. “I'll just put my foot down.”

“Take it steady. Last thing we need is another accident.”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Don't go saying things like that in front of Heike or she'll hide the car keys.”

Jan smiled.

“Good point. Right well shall we go and sort out the goodbyes and you can get on your way?”

Mark nodded. The sooner they set off, the sooner they would be home.

 

 

 

Before they knew it they were saying their farewells and exhortations to take care, exchanging more hugs and promises to call. Heike felt close to tears seeing Sebastian leaving them but she kept it back knowing how easily upset he was. She considered offering to go with them, but the idea hadn't occurred to Seb or Mark so Heike decided they wanted to be left alone. Perhaps her son would be best with just Mark at home and plenty of sleep and care? The team doctor had promised to call to check up on them when they were back in England so he would keep an eye on Seb as well. Maybe she was worrying unnecessarily?

By the time Seb had got into the car and Mark was adjusting the driving seat to suit his long legs, Seb was secretly feeling a little bereft to leave his family, but he didn't admit it, knowing he had made such a fuss about going. He just wanted to be home, he'd be fine then. Mark gave him a little smile as he finished programming the satnav.

“Right, we'll fill up on petrol before we hit the motorway and that should be about time you can take some more painkillers, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You can just sleep most of the way then,” advised Mark, hoping that was how things would pan out.

“Sure.”

Mark gave him a peck on the cheek and they waved to the assembled family as they pulled away.

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later Mark had pulled up in a lay-by and was sipping some coffee from the flask Heike had given them, looking at Sebastian who was still fast asleep in the passenger seat. The radio was playing quietly to try to keep the atmosphere as restful as possible. Just as predicted, Seb had fallen asleep shortly after taking his medication and Mark had been able to concentrate on putting his foot down on the motorway, the steady motion of the moving car encouraging Seb to feel peaceful.

Sebastian suddenly blinked awake and Mark quickly put the coffee on the dashboard so he could put his hands either side of Seb to reassure him.

“Where are we?”

“We're in the car sweetheart. We're on our way home.”

Seb took a steadying breath, still blinking and looking around him, frowning.

“Where?” he repeated blankly, trying to place himself.

They were in a car. Why were they in a car..? Oh they were going home, that was it. Like Mark said, they were going home, it was okay.

Mark looked at the satnav.

“Belgium. Middle of nowhere really. We're making good time though.”

Belgium. That only meant one thing to Seb.

“Are we near Spa?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You fancy a spin around the track?”

“Urgh, don't say the word spin,” complained Sebastian.

Mark frowned.

“Dizzy?”

“Bit.”

Mark checked his watch; it was too soon for Seb to take any more painkillers.

“Next petrol stop, okay?”

He fished in the bag by Sebastian's feet and pulled out a bottle of water.

“Just sip that.”

Seb did so and rested his head back, closing his eyes and making himself breath steadily.

“Alright to go on?” checked Mark.

Seb reopened his eyes, still feeling funny, but the sooner they were home the better.

“Yep.”

He'd just go back to sleep, it would be okay.

Mark downed his coffee and secured the flask back in the bag. He leaned over and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek and a little rub of his knee, looking to see he was really alright before doing his seatbelt up again and heading off.

 

 

 

A couple of hours after that Mark was finding his way via all the signs and the occasionally conflicting suggestions from the satnav to arrive at the channel tunnel. It had been a fairly lonely journey since Sebastian had dozed nearly all the way. That was good though, thought Mark, best thing for him really. He pulled up and checked the details on his phone. Jan had helpfully suggested booking their ticket online before they left and Mark was grateful that meant they could simply drive in without any more hassle. As they sat in the line of cars, Mark gently woke Seb up, not wanting him to wake up in an even stranger environment.

“Seb.”

“Hm?”

“Wake up sweetheart, we're in line for the next departure.”

Sebastian rubbed at his face and looked confusedly at Mark.

“What?”

“We're at Calais,” Mark explained.

Sebastian had no idea what he was on about.

Mark moved the car up a spot, then returned his attention to Seb.

“We're going from your mum and dad's back home. We had to drive remember? So we're going via the tunnel,” explained Mark slowly.

Okay. Home, they were going home...

 

Sebastian was still trying to get his head around where they were and what was going on while Mark sorted everything out and it seemed that very soon they were onboard. Seb hadn't really taken any time to think about what their journey entailed, but it seemed they simply drove on board to sit in the train like a load of cars parked in a garage. It was a strange windowless place full of other travellers and it made Sebastian feel uncomfortable, but at least as Mark explained, it meant they could stay in the car and just wait to reach the other side. Mark kept checking he was alright and Seb didn't want to complain too much, but once they set off he felt himself getting more unwell. Mark suggested he try just closing his eyes and resting to switch off but Seb couldn't do it.

 

Within a few minutes Sebastian found himself wishing they had risked the sea-sickness he would doubtless have suffered going via the ferry. At least there he could have could have gone outside to get some fresh air. It felt as though there wasn't enough oxygen in here where they were trapped like sardines in can.

Mark looked at him, worrying that Seb was too quiet.

“Alright?”

Seb took in some deeper breaths and Mark knew that meant no. It wasn't all that long since he'd taken some painkillers so that wasn't something he could suggest.

“Maybe some water?”

Sebastian leaned forwards to pick up the bottle before Mark could do it for him and instantly regretted it. Everything span and Seb thought for a moment that he might fall forwards, but Mark's hands were on him holding him in place.

“Shit. Seb you okay?”

Seb couldn't answer, he just took slow breaths and let Mark sit him back. He barely noticed that he still had the bottle in his hand until Mark steadied it and flicked the lid open for him.

“Have a drink.”

Mark tried not to sound as worried as he was. Sebastian looked very pale and for a horrible moment then he'd thought Seb was going to faint. He let Seb rest back against the seat and drink the water.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes but now that made him feel worse, he needed things to focus on to try to stop everything spinning. He looked out of the windscreen at a label stuck on the rear of a car parked in front and tried to stop everything moving in his vision.

Okay, okay, he just had to let it settle, then he'd be okay.

Oh god, he wasn't okay, he felt sick now.

“How do you feel?” checked Mark.

Seb blew out a careful breath.

“Not great,” he admitted quietly.

Mark didn't know what to do.

“Do you want to get out and have a bit of a walk about?”

Sebastian remembered not to shake his head.

“No. I think if I just sit for a bit.”

“Okay. Can I do anything?”

“I don't think so.”

Sebastian didn't want to move his head, but he glanced sideways at Mark and swapped the water bottle into his left hand so he could slip his other hand into Mark's who gave it a little squeeze.

 

Seb took a few more sips of water, trying to persuade himself he was feeling better, but as the dizziness abated it was replaced with a crashing headache. Within five minutes it was getting unbearable.

“Mark I really think I need to take something,” Seb appealed.

Mark looked at his watch again, but it was still far too soon. He felt awful.

“It's too soon darling.”

“I really don't feel well.”

Mark sighed. This was torture. He had to watch Sebastian suffer or risk him over-dosing when Mark had no idea what the consequences of that might be. Not good, that much had to be true.

“Do you feel dizzy still?”

“It's my head, it's... it really hurts, it's getting worse.”

Mark squeezed his hand and wished more than anything that he could give Sebastian what he wanted and let him have more medication to take the pain away and let him sleep. He offered the only thing he could think of.

“Do you want a hug?”

 

He almost felt stupid offering that when Mark knew it could do little to reduce the pain Seb was feeling.

“Mm, 'kay.”

Sebastian sat carefully forwards, dumping the bottle down and shifted slightly sideways as Mark did the same, leaning across the gap to wrap his arms around Seb and let him lean his head on his shoulder.

“I'm sorry darling. I wish I could help,” Mark apologised.

Seb just let out a little noise, almost but not quite a moan and Mark felt worse. He reached up a hand and gently placed it against the back of Sebastian's head to hold him in place.

“I feel all heavy,” Seb explained.

He closed his eyes, hoping that he might be able to make himself drift off a little, knowing he was safe with Mark holding onto him, but as soon as he did that Sebastian's head was swimming again and it was if he didn't know which way was up. He sat back, Mark's hands sliding to hold his arms instead.

 

“I think I'm going to be sick.”

“Seb.”

“No I mean really.”

Sebastian turned and reached for the door handle. Mark let go of him so he could jump out to meet Seb on the other side to help him stand up.

“I need to find a bathroom.”

Seb couldn't explain how he felt now as nausea was starting to overwhelm all other feelings and he couldn't think about anything.

Mark grabbed up the water bottle and took hold around Seb past the other parked cars to walk him over towards where there was a bathroom sign.

 

When they got there they found a queue of people already waiting. Mark was tempted to tell them they needed to go ahead but there were families with small children and he couldn't do it.

“We'll go on to the next one,” he reassured Sebastian.

Mark tightened his hold around Seb's waist and walked him on, managing to open the dividing door to carry on towards the next compartment, but as they walked along the link corridor Sebastian started to get worse. He was leaning more on Mark, then he shot a hand out to brace against the wall. Seb tried to pull away from Mark as couldn't keep it in any longer and vomited. He didn't even notice the way Mark was holding him up.

Seb pressed his forehead into the cold wall.

“Shit, Seb.”

Sebastian let out a helpless groan and wanted to sink into the coolness of the surface supporting him.

“Seb are you alright?” asked Mark, knowing it was a stupid question.

“I need to sit down,” mumbled Sebastian.

“Yeah, okay.”

 

Mark helped Seb straighten up and supported him to go a little further down where the corridor widened out near the connecting door and set him down to sit on the floor propped up against the wall. Mark knelt in front of him as Sebastian wiped at his mouth. He kept one hand on Sebastian's shoulder and moved the other to put it at the side of his face as he looked at him. Seb didn't seem focussed and Mark was very worried.

“Seb can you look at me?”

Sebastian did his best, blinking several times and trying to centre himself on Mark in front of him.

“Hmm.”

“Do you want some water?”

“Yeah.”

Mark realised he had dropped it when he had been helping Seb.

“I just need to grab it. Two secs.”

He paused.

“You’ll be okay?”

“Yeah,” answered Sebastian thickly.

Mark dashed back along the corridor and retrieved the dropped bottle from the floor, before rushing back to Seb.

“Okay, sip this.”

Sebastian did as Mark watched him carefully, keeping a hand on his arm again. He heard a noise in the corridor and turned to see a uniformed member of staff approaching, not looking too happy.

“Was that you?”

Mark looked at the man, guessing what he was referring to.

“He's not well.”

“That much I gathered.”

The man walked closer and looked at Seb.

“Has he been drinking?”

Mark goggled at the man.

“What? No. I told you, he's not well. He's got concussion,” Mark explained.

The man ducked down and looked at Sebastian. There was something oddly familiar about him, but he couldn't place it.

“Concussion?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark was back to paying more attention to Seb who was trying to sit as still as possible in the hope that would help. He could feel the motion of the train, but it wasn't soothing like it had been in the car. Maybe if there were windows? (It didn't even register with Seb that being underground they would have nothing to look at).

“That doesn't sound good,” noted the man.

Mark wanted to glare at him for stating the obvious.

“No. Look I'm worried about him.”

“Did he hit his head onboard?”

“No, it was before.”

“Why are you travelling then?”

Mark sighed.

“I'm trying to get us home.”

“Hm, I'm not sure it's a good idea being on here.”

“We'll just step off then shall we?” bit Mark.

The staff member was about to make a retort about sarcasm not helping, but he looked at Mark and saw how tense his face was.

“Sorry,” apologised Mark. “Look, is there a medic onboard, or a first aider or something?”

The man paused. There ought to be someone on the staff with first aid qualifications but he wasn't sure who that was. On the other hand he'd just been going over the passenger manifest and he could swear he'd seen a 'Dr. Something' listed for a car in the next compartment.

“Hang on.”

 

The man disappeared and Mark looked back at Seb.

“Do you still feel sick?”

“A bit.”

“How's your head?”

“Kills.”

Mark rubbed his face not knowing what to do.

“Okay, I think he's gone to get someone.”

Sebastian gave a fractional nod of his head and then balled his hands tight at the pain that invoked. He let out a tiny unhappy noise and Mark thought he had never felt more powerless in his life.

 

A couple of minutes later the staff member reappeared accompanied by another man. He was asian in appearance and in his late forties, bearded and wearing glasses. The man was dressed in casual holiday-wear, but there was a reassuring air of professionalism about him.

He ducked down by Sebastian and looked at him, then glanced across at Mark.

“My name is Dr. Syed Ahmed, this man tells me you are unwell.”

Sebastian tried looking at him, struggling to take in what he was saying.

“He has concussion,” explained Mark.

“I see.”

The doctor considered asking why they were travelling if that was so, but he realised that hardly helped matters.

“Okay.”

He looked more closely at Sebastian, trying to see into his eyes.

“Can you tell me your name?”

 _Oh god,_ thought Seb, _not all this again?_

“Seb.”

“Okay Seb, how did you hurt your head?”

Sebastian had to stop for a moment to remember.

“I crashed.”

“In a car?”

 

Something about this young man rang a bell and as he looked at him the doctor nearly did a double take as he looked at Seb, then Mark, then back at Seb again.

“He crashed in a race, he's a racing driver,” explained Mark.

The doctor stared at them. _That_ was why they looked familiar.

“Sebastian Vettel?”

“Um, yeah,” agreed Mark.

“What on earth are you doing here? I thought you were in hospital in Italy?” let out Dr. Ahmed in astonishment.

The doctor hadn't watched television while on holiday, but he'd seen the front pages in the supermarché and his French was good enough to get the gist of it.

“We're on our way home,” explained Mark.

“Right. But he has concussion?”

“Yes.”

The doctor frowned, wondering how it was Sebastian could have been discharged from hospital so quickly. It seemed bizarre to have stumbled across them here when he was with his family on their way home from their holiday.

 

The doctor looked at Sebastian again. From what he had seen it had been a serious crash, but he had no way of assessing him here other than in the most basic field station manner. He asked Seb to look ahead and then examined his pupils, asked him to follow his finger and ran through a few questions that Seb just about managed, although with some difficulty.

“I don't really have any real way of checking how he is here,” admitted the doctor.

“Right, but..?”

“Sebastian how do you feel? Does your head hurt?”

“Yes.”

“Is it worse than before?”

Seb hesitated. When did 'before' mean?

“Have you taken any medication?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know what it was?”

“My painkillers.”

The doctor looked to Mark.

“Do you have them?”

“They're in the car,” stated Mark.

“Can you remember what they are called?”

Mark shrugged and made an attempt at something in Latin that was printed on the label which the doctor nodded at.

“When did he last take them?”

Mark looked at his watch.

“Nearly two hours ago. The doctors said only every four hours.”

“Okay, I'll need to check those. Was he better before?”

“Yeah, he was okay, he slept for a few hours while we drove. He had a bit of a headache but not too bad I think, right Seb?”

“Mm.”

Dr. Ahmed looked at Sebastian again.

“Did the pain get worse as the train set off?”

“Got worse,” agreed Seb.

“And dizziness?”

“Yes.”

“And you vomited?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian would rather he hadn't reminded him of that, he was trying to shut it out.

 

The doctor looked up to the train worker.

“How long till we're on the other side?”

The man looked at his watch.

“Oh, um, ten minutes or so.”

The doctor nodded then looked back at the pair.

“Okay, now I'm on very shaky ground giving any diagnosis in these circumstances.”

“Doc, whatever you can tell us?” encouraged Mark.

“Right, well don't panic. All these symptoms are normal for concussion, but obviously it is worrying if they have intensified. However I do think it is possible that you may feel better once you are back on solid ground.”

“What do you mean?” asked Mark.

“Well, it is possible and I must stress that this is conjecture, that his symptoms are aggravated by motion sickness.”

“He was alright in the car.”

“Mm, yes, but that's different to travelling in a tin can underground.”

Sebastian looked at him thinking that was the most accurate description of where it felt they were right now.

“Also I think it is quite likely that as we are underground, the change in air-pressure may be adversely affecting him.”

Mark stopped at that.

“Oh hell, I didn't think. They said not to fly because of that. I thought this was better.”

It hadn't crossed Mark's mind that going lower presented similar problems to going higher.

 

The doctor nodded.

“Flying would definitely be inadvisable. I think that would be a lot worse. The change in pressure here is less, but obviously it is different to normal.”

“Right.”

Mark felt like an idiot for not considering this.

“He'll be better once we're off then?”

“It's possible.”

Dr. Ahmed looked at Seb.

“Do you feel any better for having thrown up?”

Sebastian took a sip of water.

“I don't know.”

He was finding it hard to think about anything right now.

“Okay, well like I say, I can't really know, but I do see cases that present similarly and it can pass, or it can be a sign of something more worrying.”

“What sort of doctor are you?” asked Sebastian.

Mark looked at him, glad to hear Seb ask such a coherent point.

“I work in A&E at Guys in London.”

Mark couldn't help thinking that they had actually got lucky that he was here.

“So you see concussion a lot?”

“I see all sorts,” admitted the doctor. “As I say I'm not really equipped to really examine you here.”

“We're not about to sue you for helping doc,” offered Mark.

 

The doctor gave him a wry smile, as the thought had crossed his mind.

“Yes, well, anyway. I think if we just wait and see if he feels a bit better as the pressure changes. That might be an indication.”

Mark puffed out a long breath feeling hugely reassured to have the doctor there, talking so calmly with them. He knew it was unfair on the efforts the doctors had made in Italy, but somehow it was comforting to have a British accent telling them this.

“I guess we wait then?” asked Mark.

“Yes.”

 

Mark moved to sit beside Sebastian, sliding his arm around his shoulder and letting Seb lean into him while the doctor stayed knelt where he was and the staff member lurked awkwardly a little way off, wondering whether he could leave them to it or not.

“What did they say when they released you?” the doctor wondered, still thinking it seemed strange that Sebastian was out of hospital so soon.

“Hmm?”

Mark went to speak but the doctor held up a hand indicating he wanted Seb to answer.

“Seb?”

“They um, they just said rest.”

“I see. I take it all the scans were clear?”

“Yeah.”

“They ran CT's, MRI's?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, well that's good.”

 

After five minutes or so Dr. Ahmed was reassured that Sebastian hadn't deteriorated or vomited again and suggested that they try walking back to the car. Seb still felt as though his head was trapped in a vice and he didn't think he would be able to stand up without Mark helping support him to walk along. It seemed to take a long time, but he was grateful to get back and sit down somewhere more comfortable. The doctor ran through a few more checks, asking Sebastian if he was feeling any better and Seb told him that he did feel marginally improved.

An announcement came on, informing travellers that they needed to return to their vehicles as they were approaching their destination and the staff member who was still hanging around checked that they didn't need an ambulance called then made his excuses and left.

The doctor looked to Mark who was crouched down with him in front of where Seb was sat sideways out of the car.

“Okay look, as I say this is just opinion, but if he feels better once you're off then he may be alright, but I would still advise having him checked out properly.”

Mark nodded, thinking that perhaps they could just get home and call Dr. Phillips to ask him to come over.

The doctor looked at Sebastian again.

“Do you still feel sick?”

“Not so much.”

He didn't feel as if he was imminently about to throw up, so that was a slight improvement.

“Okay. Do you have your medication?”

 

Mark found the bottle and passed it to the doctor who studied the label.

“Well I don't speak Italian, but this is what I thought it was.”

Thank heavens for Latin medical terms being almost universal, thought Dr. Ahmed.

“I've prescribed it often enough. They said every four hours?”

“Yes,” confirmed Mark.

“And he last took some when?”

“About two.”

“Right.”

The doctor checked the time; nearly four pm.

“Okay, well usually I would avoid this, but the dosage limit is based on cumulative consumption within twenty-four hours.”

Both Mark and Sebastian looked at him uncomprehending and Dr. Ahmed remembered to keep it simple.

“It depends how much you have in total. So, I think you can take some more now as long as you are very careful not to exceed to the final amount.”

“So you mean not have more until later on?” checked Mark.

“Yes.”

Sebastian thought he could live with that. Surely he'd sleep once they were home and then he wouldn't care. He just needed something now then he would feel better. He really needed something, anything to alleviate this crushing pain in his head.

 

Seb took the pill and swallowed it down while the doctor listened to a further announcement on the loud-speaker.

“Okay. So see how you are, but if you start feeling worse again and the medication isn't helping then you really need to get proper help, okay?”

Sebastian wasn't really listening any more, he was waiting for the drugs to kick in. Mark looked to the doctor.

“Take him to hospital you mean?” he checked.

“Yes. Concussion is a difficult thing to measure, but it's better to be on the safe side.”

“I'll be alright,” asserted Seb.

Once he was out of here, on level ground with daylight and fresh air and the painkillers did their work, surely he would be okay again? Seb did not want to return to hospital.

The doctor guessed they were levelling out to normal air-pressure as they were coming to the end of the tunnel now.

“Is your head any better?”

“A bit.”

“Right, well, let's hope that's it then, maybe just being underground's not so good for you?”

 

He stood up and Mark copied him.

“I'm sorry, I really have to get back. My wife will be wondering where on earth I've got to.”

Mark nodded.

“Of course. Thank you, really you've no idea how much we appreciate you helping us.”

The doctor shrugged.

“I guess that's why they call it a vocation, you're never truly off duty.”

“I'm sorry, what was your name again?” checked Mark.

“Dr. Syed Ahmed.”

Mark stuck his hand out.

“Thank you.”

The doctor shook it and nodded. He looked in at Seb.

“I hope you feel better.”

“Thank you,” offered Sebastian quietly.

“Remember what I said. If you've any doubt, don't risk it, just take him to A&E,” Dr. Ahmed advised.

“I will,” agreed Mark.

 

The doctor nodded and walked away, hoping he had done the right thing. It was never comfortable being asked to deal with situations away from work, but unfortunately it was a curse of his profession, he always had a duty to help if asked. Once back at his car his wife looked at him unhappily, saying she was worried that they were going to have to leave without him.

“I'm sorry Sita, you know I can't refuse.”

“What was it anyway?”

Dr. Ahmed paused, glancing at their teenage kids on the back seat, fiddling with their phones as usual.

“Just an unwell passenger.”

Maybe he'd tell her later, maybe not. No one would probably believe him anyway.

 

 

 

 

Mark pulled up in a quiet spot once they'd got away from the terminal and turned to look at Seb.

“Okay, so how're you feeling? Any better?”

Sebastian pressed the button to open the window and breathed in the nice cool air.

“Bit.”

“Painkillers working yet?”

“Think so.”

He was feeling more woozy, but that had to be good, right? Surely it just meant he was feeling tired. Then he could sleep and Mark would get them home.

Mark still didn't think Seb looked great and wasn't sure what to do for the best.

“Do you think you're good to carry on, or..?”

Seb tipped his neck further back and felt as though his head could just float away now.

“I just want to get home.”

Mark nodded.

“Aright mate, we'll just get home soon as we can.”

 

Then he could call Dr. Phillips over. Mark looked at the time and hoped they weren’t about to catch rush hour traffic. As long as they avoided getting too close to London and he put his foot down he reckoned they could do it in an hour and a half, that wasn't so bad.

Mark gave Sebastian's leg a little rub.

“Maybe try to sleep?”

“'kay.”

Sebastian pulled off his, or rather Mark's hoody and balled it up so he could lean against it on the back of the seat facing Mark and closed his eyes as they set off driving again. Home soon. He'd just sleep and they'd be home.

 

Mark drove on, looking at Seb as he slept every now and again, hoping that he was really better and the fright on the tunnel had just been a temporary problem. He was just starting to relax slightly when they came off the M25, glad that they had dodged the worst of rush hour traffic when Seb sat up, disturbed by the change in direction as they took the junction onto the different motorway.

Sebastian looked around him, no clue where they were. Mark was trying to check on Seb and keep an eye on traffic at the same time.

“Where are we?” asked Seb blearily.

“We're making good time. Just another half hour I think, alright sweetheart?”

That didn't give Sebastian any clue were they were.

“Where?”

Mark frowned.

“On our way home, remember?”

 _Home,_ they were on their way home. Sebastian tried to let himself absorb that. He felt horribly muggy.

 

Mark took his eyes off the road for a second to pick up Seb's water and pass it to him.

Sebastian drank some water but as he woke up he felt the increased pain in his head.

“Can I have some more of the painkillers?”

Oh hell, thought Mark, that wasn't good.

“No darling, I'm sorry, you already took some early.”

He looked at him, trying to judge how Sebastian was doing.

“Your head hurting?”

“Mm.”

“How bad?” Mark asked anxiously.

Sebastian didn't know how to answer that. He couldn't give it a score out of ten, it just really hurt.

Mark paused.

“Worse then before?”

Sebastian still didn't answer.

“Seb?”

“I don't know.”

He didn't know anything, he couldn't think straight.

Mark furrowed his brow even further, that didn't sound right to him.

“I think maybe we should go get you checked out.”

Sebastian tried to rouse himself at that. Did Mark mean hospital? He didn't want that.

“No I'm okay. We'll be home soon, right?” insisted Seb, trying to sound better.

“Hmm.”

“I'll be alright once we're home,” asserted Sebastian.

Mark wasn't at all sure of that, but he pushed on.

 

Sebastian turned his head to face forward and closed his eyes, hoping he could fall asleep again and block it all out, but he was too awake now and shutting his eyes only disorientated him, making him dizzier. He didn't say anything, but as they drove on he was feeling more and more nauseas. All of a sudden it got too much.

“Mark I'm going to throw up,” Seb burst out.

Mark turned.

“You feel sick?”

“No, I'm really, really...” snatched Sebastian.

Mark slew the car across the three lanes of traffic and screeched to a halt on the hard shoulder just in time for Seb to fling the passenger door open and release his seatbelt so he could vomit out of the car.

 

“Shit.”

Mark pulled the handbrake on and leaned across, putting his hand on Seb's back, trying to see if he was okay. Seb plainly wasn't as he threw up again, his hand on the dashboard preventing himself from toppling out of the car.

“Shit, shit, shit. Okay hang on.”

Mark threw his door open and climbed out of the car to go around, feeling buffeted by the trucks rushing by on the inside lane. He got around to Seb's side and helped him up to go and sit on the grass banking. Sebastian dropped his head into his knees and felt so dreadful he couldn't speak.

Mark sat by his side holding on around Seb, he tilted his body to try to look at him.

“Seb? Seb can you look at me?”

Sebastian thought Mark sounded very far away. He had his eyes closed and it felt as though he was swaying back and forth, as if he was floating in the waves in the sea.

“Seb?”

Mark was trying not to panic, but Seb was scaring the hell out of him by not responding.

“ _Seb.”_

 

Sebastian finally let that sink in. He succeeded in sitting up and Mark moved further round to look at him. Seb looked white as a sheet and his eyes weren't focussed.

“Water.”

“Hm? Oh.”

Mark looked around. There were bottles in the car but that meant letting go of Seb.

“Okay. Just...”

He set Sebastian so he was balanced holding his knees bent up and tried to push away his fears as Seb let his head sag down again. Mark grabbed a fresh water bottle from the bag in the car and came back to him, getting Sebastian to sip it for a while, then letting him take a gulp and spit it out to get rid of the taste in his mouth. He'd already made his mind up, but Mark let Seb settle for a minute before picking him up under his arms and getting him back into the car before climbing in himself.

 

As Mark did Seb's seatbelt up for him Seb looked up.

“Are we going home now?” Sebastian asked in a dulled voice.

“No darling we're going to the hospital,” replied Mark in as calm a voice as he could muster.

“I just want to go home,” mumbled Seb.

Mark sighed and nodded. He placed his hand on Seb's cheek for a moment.

“I know.”

But he couldn't give Sebastian what he wanted any more.

Sebastian rested his head to the side and his eyes drifted closed as Mark fiddled with the satnav. Mark knew there must be closer hospitals with an A&E department, but he had a reasonable idea where the Radcliffe was and he didn't much like the idea of wasting time getting lost.

He looked back at Sebastian.

“Seb, open your eyes.”

“Hmm?”

“Open your eyes darling, I think you need to stay awake.”

Mark really had no idea if that was true, but if Seb wasn't looking at him he couldn't tell how he was.

Sebastian did as requested, but it took an effort.

“Right. Stay watching me, okay?”

“My head hurts,” Seb admitted.

Mark nodded and leant in to kiss Sebastian's forehead.

“Be there soon.”

 

Mark set off again, paying no attention to speed limits. Sebastian seemed to slip every now and then and Mark had to tell him to reopen his eyes, feeling cruel when Seb wanted to shut everything out, but Mark was the one who felt sick now. Seb definitely wasn't right, this couldn't just be normal concussion.

 

 

 

 

 

He parked up at the hospital, already looking for signage to the accident and emergency department and hoping it wasn't far to walk.

“Seb, we're here.”

Sebastian frowned.

“We're home?”

Mark tried to take a steadying breath.

“No sweetheart. We're at the Radcliffe.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and looked around. This wasn't home.

“Where are we?”

“The Radcliffe. It's a hospital,” Mark stated.

He put his hands either side of Seb's face and looked in his eyes, not at all happy with what he saw there.

“Seb?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian blinked. Where were they? Why was there this disgusting taste in his mouth? He felt so woozy he couldn't even feel the pain in his head. Seb wanted to go to sleep.

“No. Open your eyes.”

Why was Mark cross with him? Why wouldn't he let him sleep? He'd feel better if he could sleep.

Sebastian managed to keep his eyes open and Mark set him to lean against the headrest so he could climb out and get around to Seb's side to help him out, picking up the backpack from the foot-well to carry on his shoulder as he levered Seb out of the car.

Seb swayed and Mark was taking a lot of his weight. He looked over to see that the entrance looked to be on the other side of the car park.

“Okay, we've got to walk. Can you walk?” asked Mark, trying to sound calm when he was worried out of his mind.

“Hm?”

Sebastian looked up at him and Mark wanted to cry at the confusion in those big blue eyes.

“It's alright. Just lean into me.”

 

Mark shut the car door and placed Sebastian's arm around his shoulders as he took a firm hold on Seb's waist and started the seemingly impossible task of crossing the car park to get where they needed to go.

Seb felt as though he was sleepwalking, his feet only seemed to be loosely connected to the rest of him. As they went forwards he kept tripping over them and Mark was taking more of his weight.

It took far longer than it ought to have done, but eventually they reached the sliding doors of the hospital entrance and Mark got them inside up to the desk, Seb by now leaning his head onto Mark's shoulder.

 

“He needs to see a doctor.”

The nurse looked at Mark then Seb, taking in his slumped posture and unfocussed expression.

“Has he taken something?”

“What?”

It took Mark a moment to realise what she meant and he felt outraged.

“No. _Christ_. No, he's got concussion. Please he really needs to see a doctor right away.”

The nurse took a closer look.

“He's been getting worse. Please, he really needs to see someone,” pleaded Mark.

“He has concussion?”

“Yes. He was in hospital but they let him out.”

Why did she think she recognised them? The nurse wondered if they had been patients that had been past her before. She'd been on since first thing this morning and all those cups of coffee weren't enough anymore.

“Here?”

“No. In Italy.”

“Italy?”

 

Mark wanted to yell at her. What the hell was she doing asking these stupid questions when she should be helping Seb.

“Yes. Look please can you get someone?”

“Mark,” mumbled Seb. “Where are we?”

Mark thought he was going to cry.

“We're at the hospital sweetheart. It's going to be okay.”

He looked back at the nurse.

“Please?”

The nurse looked at them. The man seemed distressed and the other one clearly wasn't with it.

“Okay, just take a seat. What name is it?”

“Seb, his name's Seb.”

“Surname.”

“Vettel.”

She blinked at him.

“Sorry?”

“Vettel.”

“Right.”

 

She entered it into the computer before returning to look at them, trying to remain professional and not let on that she knew who they were now.

“Just take a seat please.”

“No he needs someone.”

“I'm getting someone,” she stated calmly. “Sit him down for a moment and someone will be with you as soon as possible, we're very busy.”

She saw the look on Mark's face and continued.

“I'm prioritising him, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

 

Mark's heart was pounding, but he nodded at her, trying to hold it together.

“Over here sweetheart, let's sit down.”

Sebastian lifted his head slightly, frowning at Mark, clearly not taking much in. Mark got him over to the rows of seats already well populated by others waiting their turn. Seb let his arm down from around Mark and leant entirely into his side, closing his eyes as he rested his head on Mark's shoulder.

“Open your eyes,” insisted Mark, trying not to sound panicky.

“Hm?”

Seb did as requested and furrowed his brow at the strange surroundings, he had no idea where they were or what was happening.

“I don't feel right,” Sebastian muttered.

“I know.”

Mark swallowed hard. Seb's mother had been right; what the hell had he been thinking bringing Seb all this way? This was his fault.

 

Mark moved the hand that wasn't wrapped around Sebastian to stroke the side of Seb's face.

“It's alright darling, the doctor will be here in a minute, you'll be okay.”

“Okay.”

Mark's voice was nice and warm. Seb liked that he was holding on to him. He just needed to go to sleep like this.

“No. Eyes open,” demanded Mark anxiously.

Sebastian didn't understand why Mark was angry with him. It upset him. Seb took in a sharp breath and his face went tight.

“Seb, no it's alright, please just keep your eyes open,” coaxed Mark.

Seb swallowed, looking up at Mark feeling more confused than ever. He felt shaky and wrong, all wrong. He put his arms around Mark's middle and pressed in to feel safe.

 

Mark held on to him and looked over wondering where the hell the doctor was. He only lasted a couple of minutes before he couldn't stand it any longer. He turned to Seb, trying to sit him up a little.

“Stay here a sec. I'm going to get someone.”

“No.”

“I'm just going to get the doctor,” explained Mark, desperately trying to sound calm for Sebastian.

Sebastian's arms around Mark's middle tightened.

“Don't leave me,” snatched Seb. “Please, please don't leave me.”

Seb sounded so lost and frightened and it killed Mark.

“Okay, okay, it's alright sweetheart, it's alright,” Mark soothed. “I'm not leaving you.”

 

He looked around again. No sign of a bloody doctor. He was going to have to go back over to the desk, but he clearly couldn't leave Seb sat on his own. Mark had no choice. He kept his arm around Sebastian and dragged him up as he stood, somehow getting the pair of them back across to speak to the nurse.

“Please, you have to get someone _now_.”

Mark's voice shook and the nurse looked with alarm at Sebastian whose eyes were only half open.

Seb couldn't take anything in. He tried opening his eyes wider but his face felt slack. The room was spinning faster and faster and Seb's heart sped up as he started to panic. He couldn't even feel any pain any more. He couldn't feel anything, he couldn't feel his limbs, he couldn't think, everything was sparking.

“ _Mark,”_ gasped Sebastian.

Everything went black.

 

 

Mark turned his head from the desk to Seb just in time to see his eyes slide shut and then Sebastian went limp in his arms. He scrabbled to keep hold of him as Sebastian's legs went, and Mark was so terrified that the only thought that ran through his mind was to stop Seb's head from hitting the floor as he went down. Mark shot one hand under Seb's head and only just managed to keep a hold of him as he helplessly lowered Sebastian onto the hard floor.

“Oh god. Oh god. Seb? _Seb?”_

Mark couldn't breathe. He still had his hand under Sebastian's head protecting it as he knelt over him, looking down at Seb in absolute terror.

“Seb? Please, please?”

A part of Mark knew Sebastian was out cold, but he couldn't accept it.

“Seb open your eyes. Open your eyes darling. Please. Please darling,” Mark begged.

Tears were falling from his eyes as he leaned over Sebastian, desperately hoping he would open his eyes and look at him. All he could think of was Seb. He didn't notice the nurse jumping up and yelling behind her through to the main part of the ward to get help. He didn't see the many other occupants of the waiting room rubber-necking to see what was happening and what all the disturbance was about. Mark didn't even notice the two doctors rushing over and dropping down by him to look at Sebastian until one of them tried to pull him away.

“No!”

“Let us help him.”

Mark stared at the woman. A white coat. A doctor.

“Let us help him,” repeated the woman.

She tried to gently pull Mark's hand so she could replace it with her own.

“No. His head. Please. He has concussion. Please,” protested Mark, his voice breaking.

The doctor stopped and looked at him calmly.

“We need to treat him. Just let go now,” she coaxed.

Mark couldn't do it, he couldn't let go of Seb, but he was too weak to resist as she slipped her hand below his and with her other pulled Mark's arm away, feeling how badly it was shaking.

“It's alright. We've got him.”

The other doctor was leaning over Seb, checking his pulse and making sure that he was breathing.

Mark knelt back, his whole body now vibrating with fear, tears streaming down his face as he looked at Sebastian lying unconscious on the floor.

“Seb please wake up. Please wake up darling. Please, please. You have to wake up.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe not such a good call after all...


	82. De Ja Vu All Over Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for the second time; Is Seb okay?  
>   
> 

* * *

 

 

 

Mark had to be helped to his feet by the nurse as the doctors got Sebastian on to a gurney and took him through. He stood back watching helplessly as they treated him, feeling numb with shock and unable to think or even really take in what they were doing. The doctors asked him questions about Sebastian regarding his injury that he did his best to pull himself together to answer. Mark showed them the medication and they asked for details of where he had been treated after his accident.

All the while Mark only had eyes for Seb, lying there unconscious with an oxygen mask on. The doctors were measuring his vital signs and Mark felt as if they'd been thrown back to when Seb had first been injured.

He tried to ask the doctors how Seb was, but initially all they could give Mark was the vaguest of assurances that although higher than they would like, Sebastian's heart-rate and blood pressure were decreasing back to a normal level. Mark wasn't sure the same could be said of himself. The female doctor was asking him what had happened prior to his condition getting worse and Mark was trying to explain what had taken place on the train and what the doctor had told them.

 

“It wasn't the painkillers was it?” asked Mark anxiously. “He said Seb was okay to take them, that it wouldn't be too much if we waited longer before taking any more.”

The doctor examined the drugs bottle again.

“How many has he had today?”

Mark counted in his head.

“Four times since we first woke up.”

She nodded.

“No, that's acceptable. It's not due to that.”

Mark sighed out a relieved breath. He would never have forgiven himself if he had caused this by giving Seb an overdose. It was bad enough that he had been stupid enough to drag Seb all this way when he'd not been up to it.

The two doctors looked Sebastian over again and spoke out of Mark's earshot before addressing him again.

“You said he was fine before you went into the tunnel?” asked the male doctor.

“Well not fine, but not so bad.”

“It got worse and then he vomited?”

“Yeah.”

Mark hated thinking back. He should have known they were in trouble then. Shouldn't that doctor have known? Maybe that wasn't fair. He had kept saying he couldn't make a proper diagnosis and warned them to get help. Mark should have taken Seb straight to the nearest hospital in Folkstone.

Mark sighed heavily.

“He seemed better once we were off, then he got worse again as we were driving home.”

“And he vomited again?”

“Yes and he was much worse. He wasn't really saying much, but I could tell.”

“And you came here.”

“Yes.”

The doctor nodded and the two consulted each other again.

The female doctor spoke.

“We will need to run some tests to be sure.”

“But what do you think it is?” he asked anxiously.

“I'm not sure it is helpful to speculate.”

Mark felt sick. The vagueness wasn't helping, all it did was give his mind full-rein to imagine the worst.

“We'll run some tests, then we should know.”

“But what do you think? Please. I have to know?”

The doctor sighed, but she could tell Mark wasn't to be put off.

“It is possible that he could have a bleed,” she admitted.

“In his brain?”

Mark didn't know how he was making the words come out of his mouth.

“It's possible. Or it could not be that. I could just be the natural pressure from being underground got too much for him.”

“We shouldn't have come that way.”

The female doctor placed a calming hand on Mark's arm.

“Flying would have been far worse.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“We'll move him upstairs and take him for a scan, then we should know. Like I say it isn't helpful to guess. Let's just wait and see what the tests say.”

She saw how anxious he was and continued.

“There's no indication why he shouldn't be alright other than the fact he has lost consciousness which obviously isn't good. It may be that it was just too much for him and that's why Sebastian has shut down.”

 

Mark nodded unhappily. That sounded horribly familiar and he was just beginning to agonise over whether he ought to tell them that Seb suffered from panic attacks and had passed out before, when there was a stirring from the bed and they were rapidly all around Sebastian as he opened his eyes and started confusedly reaching at the oxygen mask to pull it off.

“Seb? Seb, oh god.”

Mark leant over him trying to get into his eye-line. The doctors were looking at Seb and removed the mask he seemed uncomfortable with.

Sebastian blinked rapidly trying to take in Mark's face and work out what was happening.

“Sebastian, can you hear us? Do you know where you are?” tried the doctor.

Seb barely heard her. He was trying not to panic at the fact he had no clue. He shot up and flung his arms around Mark.

“ _Mark.”_

Mark caught him and held Seb in.

“It's alright, it's alright. We're in the hospital. Don't panic, everything's going to be okay,” he soothed.

 

He kept Sebastian pressed into him feeling his heart pounding until Mark felt Seb slowing as he breathed Mark in. Once he thought it was safe enough Mark set him back a bit to look at him. Seb was frowning as he looked around.

“Where are we?” Seb asked again.

“We're in the hospital,” repeated Mark as calmly as possible.

“The hospital?”

“You weren't feeling well so we came here.”

Sebastian was still looking at him with his brow furrowed.

“Hospital?”

“A different hospital. You remember being in Italy? In the hospital there?” tried Mark.

Seb wasn't sure. It all seemed so blurry. A darkened room, his parents, machines, Mark. Not like this; bright light and a patterned curtain around them.

“A different one?”

“Yes darling. We're in England. We were on our way home. Do you remember?”

Seb felt so out of it, but home seemed right.

“We were on our way home?” he echoed.

“Yes, but you weren't feeling too well so we came here,” Mark explained.

 

“How do you feel?” asked the female doctor.

Sebastian stared at her, only just realising that she was there and a man too. Was he meant to know them?

“What happened?”

“You passed out. Gave us all a bit of a scare. Do you remember feeling unwell?”

Sebastian wasn't sure he knew anything. His head felt as though it was stuffed with cotton wool.

“I don't feel so good.”

Mark looked to the doctors with concern, then back at Seb.

“It's okay,” reassured Mark.

He moved a hand to stroke the side of Sebastian's face.

“The doctors are going to look after you.”

“We need to run some tests. Can you let him lie back?” requested the doctor.

Mark gave a little nod.

“Just lie down sweetheart. The doctors are going to check you out to help you feel better.”

“More tests?”

Mark managed a smile.

“Yeah, 'fraid so, sorry. Does your head hurt?”

“Mm.”

“Can you give him something?” Mark asked the doctors.

“After we run some tests.”

Mark gave Seb a little sympathetic look. It always seemed to be the way.

“Soon darling. Just a few tests.”

He kissed Sebastian's forehead and helped him lie back, moving aside slightly so he could stand holding Seb's hand while the doctors ran through their questions and physical checks. Seb struggled, but managed to get through them once his initial disorientation faded after a few minutes. He started to get clearer on the basics, but couldn't remember much of their journey or his time in hospital in Italy. Mark explained that he had slept through much of it, which the doctors seemed to accept. He stroked Seb's hand with his thumb as he held it and reassured him he was doing well.

 

The doctors discussed their findings for a moment, then decided.

“Okay, he seems to have the essentials. We're waiting on his medical file being sent over from Milan, but we need to do some scans now to make sure there's nothing more serious.”

“You still think there could be something wrong?” asked Mark.

“I think we should do both a CT and an MRI, just to be on the safe side.”

The doctor saw the worried look in Mark's eyes.

“It's good that he has woken up naturally, that seems positive, but we need to be certain don't we?”

Mark nodded, then tried to look more assured for Seb.

“Just to be sure, okay? I know you don't like the machines.”

“Okay.”

Seb had no energy to oppose them. As long as Mark stayed with him he'd just let them do what they wanted. Mark would look after him.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian let himself be settled onto the bed in the private room several floors up. The doctors were talking but he was hardly listening. He was just relieved that they had been persuaded that he didn't need to be hooked up to any more intensive care equipment. He hadn't liked being parted from Mark to allow them to run their scans. Seb had felt his blood jumping in his skin the minute they wheeled him through the door into the scanning room away from Mark, but Mark had promised him it would be over soon and he was back with him now, back holding his hand and letting him know he was okay.

There was another doctor here now and a nurse. Seb couldn't remember any of their names. He wasn't sure if that mattered.

“So there's nothing?” checked Mark.

“Nothing we can see of concern.”

“So why did he get so ill?”

“Well as we said it seems that it must have been that Sebastian did have a bad reaction to the change in pressure whilst underground. That would have caused the symptoms of his concussion to be exacerbated and, well, frankly I just don't think he was in any state to cope with that and spiralled from there.”

Mark sighed out a long breath. Bad as it was, he was relieved that it wasn't worse.

“It's my fault.”

The doctor shook her head. Clearly it had been a mistake for Sebastian to have travelled, but she didn't blame Mark, she blamed the professionals who should have known better than to allow it.

“No Mark. You did the right thing in bringing him here. In all honesty I don't think he ought to have been released from hospital to go home.”

Mark didn't know what to say to that. Seb had wanted to leave the hospital, just as he had wanted to leave his parents' house, but Seb hadn't really been in any state to make those decisions and Mark hadn't been able to say no to him. It was mess. Everything was mess and look where it had landed them.

“He's going to be okay though?”

“We want him to stay a while so we can keep an eye on him, to be sure.”

“But he'll be okay?” Mark pressed.

“He should be. We just need to ensure he has complete rest for a while to give Sebastian a chance to recover.”

 

Mark nodded and looked back to Seb, giving him a weak smile. He still felt like crying, but he couldn't let Sebastian see that.

“Afraid we're not going home for a bit longer.”

Seb could only sigh resignedly.

“Sorry sweetheart.”

Mark gave his hand a little squeeze and looked to the doctors.

“Do you know how long for?”

“I think we'll just have to play by ear and see. Overnight for now.”

Mark nodded. They had plainly rushed taking Seb out of hospital too soon. No rushing anything this time.

“We're staying here?” piped up Sebastian.

“Yeah, for a while.”

“You're staying aren't you?” he checked anxiously.

“Of course. As if I'd leave you?”

Mark would never leave him, of course he wouldn't.

 

“How's your head?” checked Mark.

“Hm...”

Sebastian found it hard to describe, it was as though the power was turned down leaving him foggy and then turned up too much, overwhelming him.

“Does it hurt?”

“Bit, not quite so much.”

“Okay.” Mark turned to the doctors. “Can you give him something now?”

 

They nodded and started sorting the medication out with the nurse who was instructed to keep an eye on him. Once the doctors were done Seb felt as though he was leaning further back into the slightly angled up bed, even though he hadn't moved. It was an odd sensation and he supposed it must be the drugs taking effect. Seb wondered if they were the same type as before and if he ought to be able to tell these things.

“Do you want to lie flat?” asked the nurse.

“Hm? No.”

Sebastian preferred being slightly angled up so he was able to see what was happening and besides he was starting to think that if they lowered him further back he might just keep on falling.

The group of doctors moved to stand at the end of the bed.

“Okay so Sebastian, Dr. Hayden and I have to get back downstairs now, but Dr. Roberts will be around to check in with you,” explained the female doctor.

Hayden, Roberts. Seb wondered if he should try to memorise them for if they checked later. She hadn't said her own name again so Seb wasn't sure how he was supposed to know that one. Had the nurse said her name? It was too much trying to work it all out.

“Yeah, okay.”

Mark nodded over at them.

“Thank you. Really, thank you so much.”

Mark felt as though he could finally breathe out again. He'd been terrified and the doctors had been calm and reassuring throughout. It only occurred to him now that at no point had they questioned his right to be by Seb's side. If they had done that Mark didn't think he would have handled it at all.

 

The doctors left the room and Sebastian was alone with just Mark and the nurse.

“Now then, do you need anything?” checked the nurse.

Sebastian wasn't really concentrating.

“Seb?” pushed Mark.

“Hm?”

The nurse shook her head, seeing they only needed leaving alone.

“It's fine. There's water there on the side if you want it. If you need help that little button on your right is a buzzer and that goes through to call me.”

“'kay.”

“I think we're fine,” agreed Mark.

“Okay then. Oh one more thing, these rooms have phones, if you need to make a call you can just dial out. I'm afraid we can't allow mobile phones, so you'll need to use this.”

Mark looked and realised that the chunky plastic thing attached to the wall at the side was a phone. Then he looked at Seb.

“Oh hell. Your parents, we should call your parents.”

Seb looked awkwardly back, guessing what they were going to think of this happening after they had wanted him to stay.

“They're going to be so mad at me.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“No mate, they're going to be mad at me.”

And rightly so thought Mark. He couldn't believe he had taken such poor care of Seb that he'd wound up in hospital again.

 

The nurse picked up the phone and handed it to Sebastian.

“You just dial the number, although I should warn you that I'm afraid we will need to charge you for the calls.”

“That's really fine,” assented Mark.

“Okay I'll leave you to it. Remember I'm just outside, so buzz me if you need me.”

“Thank you,” offered Mark.

“Yes, thanks. I'm sorry, what's your name?” asked Seb.

“It's Jude. Well technically it's Ward Sister Leyton, but Jude is fine.”

“Okay, thanks Jude.”

“Right, well remember you're meant to be resting, so keep any calls short if you can.”

 

She exited the room and Sebastian looked at Mark, still holding the phone.

“Did she say her name earlier on?”

“No, it's okay.”

Mark saw the way Seb visibly relaxed to hear that and rubbed his hand again.

“Don't worry about remembering things okay?”

Seb looked at the phone for a moment, then squished his face a bit and admitted.

“I can't remember their number.”

“Your mum and dad?”

“Yeah.”

“That's fine. I've got it on my mobile. Don't worry, I can't remember people's numbers at the best of times.”

Mark gave him a little smile and then pulled his phone out to look the number up.

 

“Will you sit on the bed with me?” requested Sebastian.

“Hmm? Oh, course.”

Mark worked out how to drop the barrier on the side of the bed and perched on the edge facing Seb.

“Are you okay?” asked Seb.

“Me?”

Mark huffed a mirthless laugh. He was far from okay: exhausted, strung out, racked with guilt that he had only made things worse for Seb and still worried for him. He gave Sebastian another smile, amazed that even in the midst of all his suffering he could still be concerned for him.

“You have to stop scaring the crap out of me darling,” Mark joked, even though it was true.

“I'm sorry.”

Seb looked anxious and Mark shook his head.

“Ah, no come on, that was a joke. Just a stupid joke. Don't worry about me, I'm fine.”

Mark gave Sebastian's cheek a stroke with his thumb, then seeing he still looked unsettled shifted up and carefully pulled Seb into a hug.

“No worrying about anything, okay?”

Sebastian slid his arms around Mark's middle and let himself feel the comfort of being held for a minute before sitting back.

 

“Did I pass out before?” asked Seb, still trying to grasp what had happened.

Mark gave him a little nod.

“For long?”

“I'm not sure, ten minutes maybe. Not long. The doctors just think it was all too much for you, that's all.”

It had felt like far longer than ten minutes to Mark. He had been so frightened that Seb wouldn't wake up this time. Mark omitted to mention that the doctors had already discussed this with Sebastian. He'd been confused when he had first woken up, surely that didn't count?

Mark reached up and stroked Sebastian's hair.

“You'll be alright after a rest. No more trekking across all of Europe.”

“Yeah okay. Then can we go home?”

“When you're ready darling. When the doctors say so. I know you'd rather be home, so would I, but we need to wait until you're a bit better.”

He wasn't making that mistake twice.

 

“Now then. Shall we call your family before the painkillers make you too tired?”

“Mm, okay.”

Seb already felt tired, but Mark was right; They should call, then he could rest.

“Do you just want me to talk to them?” offered Mark.

“No, it's okay.”

Sebastian knew his family would want to speak with him and he had to let them know he was okay.

“I'll dial, shall I?”

“'kay.”

Mark nodded. Sebastian seemed a little sleepier already to him, they ought get this over with.

“Do you want to speak first?” asked Mark.

“I'm not sure what to say.”

Mark shrugged.

“Me neither. It's okay. I'll speak to them, then hand you over. How's that?”

Sebastian nodded and everything crashed about in his head. Mark's hands were holding either side of his face and he looked alarmed at the pain evident on Seb's face.

“Ah _Seb._ Damn, don't do that. Are you okay?”

Seb let out a tiny unhappy noise and Mark sighed.

“You have to remember not to do that darling. I know it's difficult.”

“I just forget,” admitted Sebastian in a small voice.

“I know, I know. Just try to remember that one thing.”

Right then Mark didn't care if Seb remembered anything else except to not keep accidentally hurting himself.

“Just remember not to jerk your head. Don't nod it or shake it, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a little smile to soften the injunction and make sure Sebastian knew that he was only saying it for his own good. He leaned in closer to rest his forehead against Seb's, wishing he could take away some of his pain. They stayed that way for another moment until Sebastian sat back feeling slightly better again.

 

As they reset themselves Mark took the phone from Sebastian and checked he had the right number for his family.

“Okay?”

“Yeah better.”

“Ready then?”

“Think so.”

Mark dialled the number, wondering how on earth he was meant to start this.

 

It was Norbert that answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi, umm, it's Mark.”

“Oh hello. Are you home then?”

“Not exactly. Umm, are people about?”

Norbert frowned, wondering what this was about. Were they delayed? He didn't think that Mark had looked in terribly good shape to be driving all that way. Maybe they'd had to stop?

“Well, yes everyone's still here. Shall I fetch them?”

“Yes thanks.”

Mark placed his hand over the phone.

“Your dad is getting people.”

 

Mark could hear gathering voices and guessed that it was Fabian pressing buttons to put the phone on speaker. There were a few hello's.

“Is Seb there?” asked Fabian.

“Yeah he's here.”

Heike heard a note in Mark's voice and instantly worried.

“What's the matter Mark? Is Seb okay?” she asked.

“He umm, well...”

This was so difficult.

“He wasn't feeling too good, so well, the things is... we're back in hospital.”

“Oh my god!”

There was tumult of voices from Sebastian's family all talking over one another and Mark tried to calm them.

“He's... he's doing okay, he's right here.”

 

Seb held out his hand, guessing at his family's reaction and Mark handed over the phone thinking it might have been helpful if this one could be put on speaker as well.

“Hello?”

“Seb is that you?”

“Yes Mum, course it is.”

“Are you alright?”

“I'm okay, I'm just tired.”

At the other end of the line his family looked at one another thinking that didn't quite fit with the idea that Seb was back in hospital. Heike shook her head.

“Why are you back in hospital?”

“I just... It just got a bit much,” he admitted.

“Travelling? Oh Seb I knew you shouldn't go. I knew you ought to have stayed here,” bemoaned Heike.

“I'll be okay, I just... Mark was worried.”

“What happened?” asked Norbert.

Sebastian wasn't quite sure what to say. In truth everything from earlier was pretty blurry.

“Seb?”

“I just didn't feel right.”

“Are you really okay?” asked Fabian anxiously.

In all honesty, the way everyone kept talking over each other wasn't doing Sebastian's head any good, but he pressed on, slipping his spare hand into Mark's to help him continue.

“I'm just, yeah, they just ran some more tests, I'm okay.”

 

Several voices spoke at once and Seb couldn't distinguish what they were saying. He sighed and handed the phone back to Mark.

“Seb?” asked Heike anxiously.

“Mark. He's pretty worn out. They've given him some medication and want to keep him in overnight.”

“Oh my god. Oh _Mark_ ,” exclaimed Seb's mother.

“The tests didn't show anything,” he reassured. “It's just a precaution.”

“But what happened? Why are you in hospital? Which hospital? Where are you?” fretted Heike.

“We're in the Radcliffe. It's in Oxford so we're quite close to home. He was okay most of the way, but we think going via the tunnel wasn't such a bright idea after all,” Mark admitted.

“He got unwell?” asked one of Seb's sisters, Mark wasn't entirely sure which.

“Yeah. I'm sorry, it's my fault.”

 

Sebastian put his other hand on Mark's arm.

“No Mark.”

“It is. I'm sorry. We should have stayed at your parents'.”

Mark was no longer speaking into the phone, but they could still hear him.

“I wanted to go home. It's my own fault.”

“No darling, I should have known better, I should have listened to your mum.”

 

“Mark?” Norbert tried to intervene.

Mark heard the noise from the phone and put it back to his ear.

“Sorry. Really I'm... I'm sorry, we should have stayed.”

Norbert sighed, thinking attributing blame did no good and he was well aware that it had been Seb that had wanted to leave.

“No Mark, Seb wanted to go home didn't he?”

“I knew he should have stayed,” interjected Heike.

“You were right. I'm sorry,” conceded Mark.

“Never mind that,” interrupted Norbert. “We know why you went. What happened?”

“He just, like I say, he didn't do so well in the tunnel, the doctors think maybe being underground wasn't good for him and...”

“But the tests were clear?”

“Same as before.”

“It made him unwell, being in the tunnel?” pressed Heike.

“He... yeah, it made him sick and... I'm really sorry Heike, I just wanted to get him home.”

 

Heike could hear how awful Mark sounded. She did know Mark had been acting on Sebastian's wishes.

“I know. I know Mark. Oh but I can't believe you're back in hospital. Was he really bad?”

“He... like I say, it made him sick.”

“You mean actually sick?” asked Fabian.

“Yeah 'fraid so and it was all just a bit too much.”

“So you took him to the hospital?”

“Yeah. He was getting worse, and I was really worried so...”

 

Mark paused, building himself up to continue to tell them what happened next, but Seb squeezed his hand and looked at him urgently.

“ _Don't,”_ whispered Sebastian.

Mark pulled a face at him, unhappy at the idea that he shouldn't tell Seb's family the truth.

“ _Please Mark.”_

Mark sighed and heard a voice on the phone repeating something.

“He's going to be alright though?”

Mark saw Seb was still still looking to him with an anxious appeal in his eyes and couldn't help himself merely reassuring them as Seb wanted him to.

 

“They just want to keep an eye on him to make sure.”

“How long do they want to keep him in?” asked Norbert.

“We're not sure yet, tonight for now.”

Heike shook her head at her husband and spoke more to him than to Mark.

“We should go over.”

“What are they saying?” asked Sebastian.

Mark put his hand over the receiver so they couldn't hear them.

“I think your mum wants to come.”

“What? No I don't want a fuss.”

“They're worried.”

Seb held out his hand again and Mark handed the phone over somewhat reluctantly.

“Mum, I'm going to be fine, I just got sick and it was too much. Hopefully I can go home tomorrow.”

“Seb.”

“You don't need to come. Mark's here.”

“Seb, I just think...”

“Please Mum, don't. I'm tired now. I'm just going to sleep.”

He really wanted to sleep right now. Seb wanted to close his eyes and not have to hear his family all fretting over him. He knew that was selfish, but he just wanted Mark and some peace and quiet. If he couldn't have that at home yet, he would take it here.

 

Mark thought Sebastian was about to pass the phone back, but he couldn't hear Seb's mother admitting defeat and asking him to call to update them.

“I'll be alright, I'll just sleep and... I will, I'll call.”

So tired, he was so tired now, he needed to close his eyes. They were saying something else.

“Hm? Yeah. Love you too. I'll be okay, don't worry. Love you too.”

 

Seb hung up, then looked at Mark.

“Sorry, I should have let you say bye.”

“That doesn't matter.” Mark sighed. “Seb, don't you think we should have told them?”

“They'd have made a fuss. They'd have wanted to come here. I just want to sleep. I just want you.”

Mark gave him a look, but Sebastian clearly wasn't up to arguing. He looked tired. This conversation could wait.

“Alright.”

 

Mark replaced the phone on its little fixture on the wall and looked at the chair by the bed preparing himself for another uncomfortable spell at Sebastian's bedside. He started to get up, but Seb tightened his grip on his hand.

“No.”

“Aren't you going to sleep?”

“Yeah but...”

“You want me to stay here?”

“Can you... could you sit with me?” tried Sebastian.

Mark frowned, trying to work out what Seb wanted.

“Like this?”

“No, like... can you sit next to me?”

Mark looked at the bed, thinking there really wasn't an awful lot of space.

“I think I'd push you out.”

“No you won't. Please? I'll rest better with you,” appealed Seb.

 

Mark had no counter to that, so he let Sebastian shift up a bit while Mark kicked off his shoes and moved so he could fit on beside him. Mark let Seb lean back into him as he put his arm around him. Mark peered over to Seb's other side to see how close he was to the edge of the bed.

“You're not going to fall out are you?” he checked.

“Are you going to let go of me?”

“No.”

“Well then I won't fall out.”

Mark had to huff a little laugh at that, in truth they had plenty of practice at squashing onto small spaces together to snatch whatever rest they could and they were both fairly skinny so they didn't take up much room.

“Good point. Alright then, as long as you're comfortable.”

He kissed Seb's temple and let him rest his head down at the top of his chest. Within a few minutes Sebastian was fast asleep and Mark let his head tip back, staring at the ceiling feeling completely wrung through. They'd have to tell Seb's family the truth tomorrow, painful as it was. Mark moved his head and leant his cheek down into Seb's hair. Just as long as Seb was okay, nothing else mattered. He was resting now. Maybe Mark could rest for just a moment too?

 

 

 

Mark intended to stay awake to watch over Seb but once Sebastian was asleep he couldn't stop himself drifting off. He didn't know how much later it was when there was a tap on the door waking him and the nurse came through. She raised an eyebrow at seeing the way they were on the inclined bed together.

“Isn't he meant to be resting?” she questioned.

“He is.”

The nurse had to concede that was visibly true. Sebastian looked fast asleep. She didn't think there was any point objecting.

“Okay. Well sorry to interrupt, but there's someone outside who wants to see you. He's rather insistent I'm afraid.”

Mark frowned.

“Who?”

“He says his name is Christian Horner and he is Sebastian's boss.”

“Oh god.”

Mark was fast realising that Seb's family weren't the only people they should have told.

“You know him then?”

“Yes of course.”

“Well like I say, I think he wants to see you for a moment.”

Mark tipped his head to look at Sebastian safely sleeping against him. He couldn't move.

“Can he come through?”

The nurse nodded.

“Yes if you want. Just for a few minutes though, it's not really visiting hours.”

Mark looked at his watch. Half past eight. How had it got so late?

 

The nurse left and the door reopened to show Christian sticking his head through. Mark gave him a little nod and he crossed the room. Christian looked at Sebastian and sighed.

“Out for the count?” asked Christian in a lowered voice.

“He's just resting,” explained Mark. “I don't want to wake him.”

Christian nodded. It didn't occur to him to think anything about the way that Mark was sat on the bed holding onto Sebastian, it only seemed natural.

“Do you mind if I?”

He indicated the seat and Mark nodded.

 

Christian shook his head again and sighed out a heavy breath.

“How did this happen then? I thought he was doing better.”

“He was. But he wanted to come home and... turns out not such a good plan.”

Christian rubbed his face. He should have worked out a better plan for them than simply letting them drive home from the hospital.

“He's going to be alright though?”

“He just needs to rest properly. Did his parents call you?”

“I called them.”

Mark frowned, wondering if Christian had just been checking in with them. Christian gave him a look.

“It's all over the internet.”

“What? How?”

Christian raised one eyebrow.

“Mark you brought Seb to a busy casualty department full of members of the public. People talk, they like to have a story to share.”

“How did they know it was him?”

Christian shrugged.

“Seb's a pretty well known face these days, or I don't know, someone might have overheard if somebody said his name.”

“Right.”

“Is it true he collapsed?”

Mark paused, then gave a little nod and Christian shook his head unhappily.

“Ah _Mark_ ,” he sighed.

“I know. Scared the hell out of me.”

“It was bad then?”

“He just got worse and worse. By the time we got here...”

Mark looked down at Seb sadly.

“He couldn't hang on any longer. I was so worried, but, he woke up again and they've run some more tests and they say he'll be okay.”

 

Christian could hear the anxiety running through Mark's voice. When he had read the rumours going around on the web, Christian had been inclined to disbelieve them, but he had to be sure.

“I've been ringing your phone for the last hour,” Christian admitted.

“Oh sorry. It's on silent,” explained Mark.

“Yes. So I tried his parents.”

“Did you say what you'd read?” Mark asked apprehensively, knowing that they had kept the full facts from them.

“No. I just told them to steer clear.”

He studied Mark for a moment.

“I wasn't sure how much of what's out there was true. They said you'd spoken to them and Seb too, so I thought maybe it was an exaggeration. You know that the internet is like.”

“Yeah.”

 _Only too well,_ thought Mark.

“Do they know? I mean that Seb actually did collapse?”

“No. Seb didn't want to worry them.”

Christian gave him a look.

“Good job I didn't put my foot in it then.”

“Yeah. Sorry. I'm very glad you didn't. I'll try and talk to them tomorrow, but he just... he just wasn't up to it.”

“No alright,” accepted Christian, thinking that by the looks of it, Mark wasn't up to it either. It all sounded a bit of a mess but he was hardly surprised that Mark was only really thinking of Sebastian.

 

“Okay, well I just wanted to check in with you to see how Seb was doing. I'll leave you in peace, though I'm afraid I think we really ought to put some kind of statement out there to stem all these rumours going about.”

Some were wilder than others. Even Christian's brief venture into what was going around online had showed how easily these things spiralled and it was bound to reach the papers tomorrow.

Mark set his head back and sighed out. He didn't want to think about these things. After a moment Mark looked back at Christian.

“What does Britta say?”

“Ah, well believe it or not, I'm not sure she knows. Actually, she can't know, or I'm sure she would have been here before me. When we got back last night I told her to go home and put her phone on silent for a day or two and get some rest. She really was pretty worn out you know?”

Mark nodded.

“Of course.”

“I have sent her a message. I keep expecting my phone to explode,” smiled Christian. “She must be catching up on some sleep.”

“Yeah.”

That was fair enough, thought Mark. They all were in need of some decent rest.

“I'll just get something put out,” offered Christian.

“Saying?”

Christian rubbed at his face.

“I don't know. Just...” Christian puffed a breath as he mulled it over. “That Seb is back in hospital. I don't know... 'Following medical advice Sebastian is now resting in hospital close to his home in England.' That do?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

It wouldn't stop the rumours, but then what could?

 

Christian nodded, thinking he should probably leave them to it.

“I'm glad he's going to be okay. I was pretty worried.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh thinking that didn't cover how he had felt when Sebastian had got so bad he had passed out.

“Much worse for you, I'm sure,” allowed Christian. “You must have been very concerned.”

“Completely fucking terrified if you really want to know,” confessed Mark.

“Yeah. No doubt. Well as long as he's okay. Right, I guess I should leave you to it?”

Talking of letting people know, Mark suddenly realised he hadn't contacted his own family again. He was doing so badly with all of this.

“Christian, I need another favour. Could you text my family and let them know Seb's okay?

“Of course.”

“It's still too early over there to ring really, so don't wake them, but if you could just say I'm sorry and I'll call them when I can?”

“That's no problem Mark, I can do that.”

“Thanks.”

Christian stood up then stopped.

“Oh hell. I'd better sort out some security, just in case.”

Mark had temporarily forgotten about what had happened to drive them from the hospital in Italy in the first place.

“Don't worry about it,” reassured Christian. “I'll arrange something with the hospital, okay?”

“Yeah okay. Thank you.”

“I'll call in tomorrow if that's alright?”

“Course.”

“Maybe he'll be awake then?” suggested Christian, giving Sebastian a little smile.

Mark nodded and Christian left.

 

 

Mark let out a heavy sigh, thinking about what a mess this all was and how badly he had fucked up. He didn't mean to disturb Sebastian but the movement woke him when their hushed voices hadn't. Seb shuffled his head against Mark and looked up at him, his eyes still half closed and sleepy. Mark turned a little to get in his eye-line.

“Alright?” he checked.

“Hmm?”

Seb clearly still wasn't with it.

“We're in hospital darling, Don't worry, everything's okay,” Mark explained.

“Where?” mumbled Sebastian.

“Hospital. It's alright, nothing to worry about.”

Seb couldn't quite get his head around anything. All he could take in was that Mark was there reassuring him. Seb couldn't keep his eyes open and everything felt heavy, so heavy, but Mark was holding onto him, he wouldn't let go of him and let him fall. Sebastian only had the energy to shift a little to turn further round into Mark and reach across him as he pressed his cheek into Mark's chest. He didn’t want anything outside of Mark.

“That's it. Just sleep,” soothed Mark.

He gave Sebastian a gentle squeeze and felt his body loosen and relax into him as Seb's eyes fell shut and he started to breathe slowly.

“Just sleep,” Mark echoed softly.

 

 

 

 

 

A couple of hours later Mark had shifted a little lower so he could properly rest back on the inclined bed, his head on the pillow whilst Sebastian had turned so he lay almost entirely over Mark's chest, his head tipped to one side as Mark held him carefully in place. As the door opened Mark's eyes flickered open, but Sebastian's remained closed.

A different nurse walked into the room and Mark frowned at her, unable to prevent himself feeling suspicious. The woman approached the bed.

“I'm pretty sure the bed is meant for the patient,” she noted dryly.

Mark was still half-asleep.

“I'm sorry, who are you?”

“I'm Sister Benjamin.”

She stepped in closer and showed Mark the ID badge attached to her uniform.

“There's someone from security sat outside if you're concerned. I heard you had some trouble where you were before.”

“Yeah.”

“Well don't worry about that here. No one gets through that door without my permission,” she stated firmly. “Luckily for you that also includes the doctor, because if she catches you like this when she's doing rounds in the morning she'll have my guts for garters.”

Mark gave her a smile.

“So you're not going to turf me out then?”

“My instructions are to ensure Sebastian is getting proper rest.”

“This is how he rests.”

“So it seems. Alright, well I'll turn a blind eye for now, but just so you know, the rule around here is generally considered to be one bed, one patient.”

 

Her current patient looked comfortable and certainly seemed safely at rest. Rules were one thing, care was another. She was pretty sure she knew the difference.

“Thank you.”

“Okay we'll I'm on to eight in the morning so you've got till breakfast.”

The nurse looked at the pair of them.

“Has he woken up?”

“A bit, on and off. Not properly. I'm not sure what they gave him.”

The nurse consulted the chart hooked on the end of the bed.

“Nothing too hefty. He's probably just worn out.”

Mark sighed a long breath.

“He doesn't really know where he is. That's why this is best for him.”

Sister Benjamin nodded, understanding what he meant.

“Yes, well it's a good job you're here then isn't it? Just get some sleep the pair of you and I'll be outside if you need anything.”

“Thanks.”

The nurse left and Mark rested his head back down against Seb's. Rest, and any other worries could wait until tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

Next morning the two were woken by Sister Benjamin carrying a tray with two plates squashed onto it. Mark only had time to glance at her while he carefully sat Sebastian up and tried to orientate him.

“Seb we're in hospital, okay. In England now.”

“England?” echoed Seb blearily.

“Yes darling, not far from home. It's all okay,” Mark assured.

Sebastian closed his eyes a second, then reopened them. They were still in hospital, but it wasn't the same. Something had happened and he couldn't quite remember what it was. He stared at Mark's face. They were somewhere strange, but Mark was still here, he still had a hold of him.

“Where are we?” Seb mumbled.

Mark sighed and placed a hand on Seb's cheek.

“Hospital, we're in hospital. Don't be scared, okay.”

As his brain woke up Sebastian felt more shaky. He moved back in and buried his face in Mark's chest. Mark wrapped his arms around him and gave Seb a squeeze.

“It's alright sweetheart. It's alright.”

Mark kissed the top of his head and kept a tight hold on him, feeling Seb tremble slightly.

He reassured him for a little longer before Mark finally remembered that there was someone else in the room. He gently placed his chin on top of Sebastian's head as he stayed crushed into him and looked at the nurse.

“He'll be okay in a minute.”

Sister Benjamin nodded and placed the tray on the little table by the bed before standing waiting without saying a word, watching all the while to see that her patient wasn't in too much trouble. Disorientated and anxious was her diagnosis. Not uncommon with head injuries, but it seemed Sebastian had someone who took good care of him.

 

After a couple of minutes Mark persuaded Sebastian to raise his head and re-explained where they were and as Seb took it in he calmed down and tried to look around. He stared at the nurse when he spotted her by the bed, trying not to jump at seeing someone was there.

“It's okay, this is the nurse.”

Mark looked at her.

“I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.”

“It's Sister Benjamin. My friends call me Benjy. You can call me that if you like.”

“Benjy?”

She gave them a wry smile.

“My first name is Dorcas,” she confessed.

“Oh.”

“Exactly. My grandmother's name unfortunately. Hence, Benjy.”

Mark smiled back at her.

“I see, well then. Seb this is Nurse Benjy. She's been keeping an eye out for us.”

Seb frowned at her as he worked at recalling things.

“You look different.”

“Different? Oh. No duck, you mean Sister Leyton. She's on days, I'm on nights this week.”

Sebastian tried to take that in. It was a different nurse. So many different people. Too much to remember. The nurses wore the same uniform and this one looked in her mid-forties like the other one, they were pretty similar in appearance. Maybe it wasn't so strange he'd got them mixed up?

 

“She'll be back in shortly to take over. Now then, let me just get a look at you and then you can have a bit of breakfast before the doctor comes on rounds, alright?”

Mark gave Seb an encouraging nod, so Sebastian sat facing forwards while the nurse took a look in his eyes and checked his pulse.

“How're we looking?” asked Mark.

Sister Benjamin nodded.

“Not too bad.”

She looked carefully at Sebastian again.

“Do you know where you are now?”

Sebastian thought carefully.

“Hospital. England.”

“That's right. This is the Radcliffe, we're in Oxford.”

“Close to home,” reassured Mark.

“Yeah, okay.”

“Good. Now then,” continued the nurse judging that Seb was more settled. “How are you feeling? Headache? Dizziness?”

“A bit,” confessed Seb.

“Hmm. Feel sick?” she checked.

“I, um, not really.”

“Well that's good. The doctor should be able to give you something shortly. For now see if you can eat a little.”

She looked at Mark.

“That goes for you too.”

Sister Benjamin had filched an extra plate from the trolley considering that she had two under her care.

Mark nodded.

“Thank you.”

“And don't let the doctor catch you in that bed,” she warned.

“Yes Sister,” smiled Mark.

 

As the nurse left them Mark reluctantly clambered out and passed Seb the tray. He found his shoes again and put them back on before dragging the chair as close as possible to the bed. Sebastian managed to stay sat up and looked at the food thinking he didn't much fancy it.

“Just a bit of toast?” tried Mark.

“'kay.”

“Good.”

Mark took the extra plate and balanced it on his knee so he could eat with one hand while casually leaving the other resting on Sebastian's leg.

“The nurses are nice here,” noted Mark.

“Yeah.”

Seb felt as though it was an unending carousel of new people and different surroundings. It was so hard to keep on top of things.

“What's the doctor called?” asked Sebastian.

Mark was halfway through a mouthful.

“Hm?”

He swallowed the food.

“Honestly mate, I couldn't tell you myself, so don't worry about it. I'm sure she'll say again. Alright?”

“Yeah alright,” agreed Seb.

If Mark couldn't remember either then Sebastian didn't feel so bad about it.

 

 

 

A little while later Sister Benjamin retrieved the tray and informed them that she was off to get some sleep herself. Shortly afterwards the doctor returned to do her morning check up.

“Good morning Sebastian. I'm Dr. Roberts. Do you remember me?”

“Um, sort of,” tried Sebastian.

Seb looked to Mark who gave him a reassuring nod and took Seb's hand while the doctor examined him and asked her questions. Once they were done she gave him a milder painkiller and told him to rest until she came back in the afternoon.

Mark gave Seb's hand a rub.

“Did I do alright?” asked Seb.

“Yeah mate, very good.”

“At least she didn't make me walk about.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“No. You're off the hook there. I think they want you to have complete rest for a bit, so let's do that then we can call your family again in a bit.”

Sebastian settled back on the pillow. He'd have rather it was Mark he was leaning on, but this would do for now. Despite the fact he had only been awake for little more than half an hour he felt tired already.

 

 

It was the late morning after Seb was finished dozing when they finally prepared to telephone his family again.

“Seb I think we need to tell them a bit more,” counselled Mark.

“I don't want to worry them.”

“No I know, but Christian says it's out there that you passed out and that wouldn't be nice for them to learn that second-hand.”

Sebastian frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“On the internet.”

“I don't understand.”

“We were downstairs in A&E. There were people about, so they saw,” Mark explained.

Sebastian didn't like that idea at all and Mark could tell.

“I'm sorry. It was just other people waiting to be seen, but I guess they put it on Twitter and stuff.”

“Oh Mark.”

“I know, I know. I'm sorry.”

 

Seb sighed heavily. It wasn't Mark's fault.

“I suppose we have to then. When did you speak to Christian?”

“Last night. He came to see how you are.”

“He was here?”

“Yeah. He was worried. I didn't want to wake you.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So you're alright telling your family then?”

Sebastian wanted to say he would rather not, but it seemed unavoidable and he knew how Mark hated feeling dishonest.

“Okay Liebling.”

Mark nodded and stood to collect the phone before sitting back on the bed to join him.

 

Seb started the call this time, feeling rather more with it than he had the night before. He got through reassuring them he was feeling a bit better and that the doctor had been in to check on him before taking the plunge.

“Umm, okay so you haven't looked online or anything?”

“No dear, Christian said to stay away,” assured his mother.

“Fabe?”

“I've not looked. Why what is it?” pressed Fabian.

“Well, um, so don't freak out or anything...”

His family all looked at one another thinking that phrase couldn't preface anything good.

“What is it?” asked Norbert. “I suppose it must be in the papers that you're back in hospital. Christian sent us a message saying they had confirmed it.”

“Did he? Oh. Okay.”

 

Seb put his hand over the phone and looked at Mark.

“Did Christian put out a statement?”

“Oh sorry, yeah. Just to say you were in here, that's all.”

“Right. Okay.”

Seb moved his hand to speak into the phone again.

“Yeah, so I suppose it will be, but I'm not sure what else. There's some stuff on Twitter and places apparently.”

“We don't pay any attention to that sort of thing,” assured Heike.

“Mm.”

Seb pulled an uncomfortable face at Mark.

“Do you want me to..?” offered Mark quietly.

“No.”

Sebastian knew he had to do this or his family would be even more worried.

“So, um, yeah there's some stuff. Apparently from people who were around when we came here.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I was down in A&E I sort of, well I fainted a bit, I guess.”

 

His mother predictably exploded down the other end of the line. Seb had known she would. It was why he didn't want to tell them in the first place.

“Mum I'm okay alright?”

Seb could hear the exchange of worried voices.

“Don't... Mum? I'm okay. Hello? Is anyone actually listening?” asked Seb in frustration.

He sighed and handed the phone over to Mark.

“Hello?”

“Mark?”

“Yes.”

“Where did Seb go?” worried Heike.

“He's right here. He just passed me the phone,” explained Mark.

“Is he okay?”

“He's fine.”

Mark squeezed Seb's hand. He could understand why Sebastian had given up, the babble of overlapping voices was confusing over the phone.

“Seb is doing fine. The doctor just wants to watch him a bit to be sure.”

Heike sighed.

“Mark how could you not tell us he fainted? I can't believe...”

“Now dear don't,” intervened Norbert.

“Well I... I mean, shouldn't we know? Honestly Mark.”

“I'm sorry. Seb didn't want to worry you.”

“I'm his mother. I'm meant to.”

“Heike,” tried her husband.

Seb looked to Mark.

“Are they freaking out?”

Mark gave a little tip of his head and briefly covered the phone.

“Your Mum, she, well she's worried, that's all.”

 

“Mark?” Fabian was speaking again. “He's okay though, right?”

“He's going to be fine. It's just a little set back. Seb's going to be alright, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Sebastian took the phone back and spent several more minutes reassuring his family. His mother tried to suggest that they should come over but Seb managed to persuade them he would be better off resting in quiet with just Mark.

“Maybe when we're home, okay Mum?”

Heike sighed, yet again wondering how it was her family were looking at her as if she was the one in the wrong.

“Please don't fuss Mum.”

Fuss? As if worrying about her son being seriously injured and then being back in hospital again wasn't bad enough she now had to be told she shouldn't fuss over him fainting. Of course that was something to fuss over.

“Please Mum?”

Heike shook her head, Sebastian sounded more anxious. She couldn't win.

“Fine. Okay, but promise me you're resting properly now.”

“I am.”

“And Mark is looking after you?”

“Of course he is Mum. It was Mark who brought me here because he was worried.”

“Right. Well, okay,” Heike relented, thinking that at least Mark had taken Seb to hospital rather than letting him go home.

“Maybe when we're home okay Mum? You could come and stay for a few days?”

Sebastian looked to Mark who simply nodded his approval.

“Okay, well yes, maybe that would be best. Just promise me you'll listen to the doctors and not go home before you're ready this time?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Promise me Seb.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“I promise Mum.”

“Good. Can you pass us back to Mark a second?”

 

Heike knew she was monopolising the conversation but she couldn't help herself.

“Mark?”

“Yes.”

“Don't let him talk you into going home too soon again,” insisted Heike firmly.

“I won't. I'm sorry we rushed back. Obviously it was a bad idea,” apologised Mark.

“Don't blame Mark Mum, you know it wasn't his idea.”

Mark guessed that was Melanie, but both sisters sounded similar to him.

“No, well. No Mark I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying... You know what he's like. Seb can very stubborn about things.”

In the background Mark thought he heard a cough and a quiet addition from Norbert.

“Can't imagine where he gets that from.”

Heike sent her husband a dark look.

“No rushing things,” she instructed.

“No rushing, I promise,” agreed Mark.

He gave Seb a smile to show they were both getting the same treatment from his mother.

“Okay. Well you take a rest too Mark.”

“Thank you. I'll let you say bye then.”

 

A minute later Sebastian disconnected the call. Somehow talking to his family was the most exhausting thing imaginable. He knew it wasn't fair to his mother to put her off, but Mark and rest was all Seb wanted right now.

 

 

 

Mark waited while Sebastian was dozing again and then briefly called his own family. Apologising and reassuring in turn and being rebuffed on both fronts as his parents and then his sister all told him he wasn't to worry about them and sympathising about how frightening it must have been when Seb relapsed. Mark was grateful for their kind words, but he still couldn't tell them how worried he had really been and how guilty he felt, as he knew that would only worry them in turn. Sebastian did seem better since first thing this morning, certainly in comparison to the day before and Mark was glad that the doctors and nurses here didn't seem to be pushing Seb and weren't alarmed at the amount of time he spent either asleep or half way there.

 

 

 

When the doctor returned in the afternoon she assured both Seb and Mark that physical exhaustion was a consequence of the strain his body had been under trying to recover after his accident.

“You've got a long road ahead of you Sebastian. I'm very much of the opinion that your own body knows best. If you are tired, sleep. Listen to what your body tells you.”

“The painkillers make me sleep,” noted Seb.

“Yes well that's because they relax you and naturally with the level of pain reduced you're more able to rest.”

“Oh, okay.”

Suddenly that made much more sense of things.

“Don't fight it. Rest. That's what you're here for. I've had read through all your notes from Milan and although I agree that you have made excellent progress in the circumstances, I think you simply pushed yourself too hard too fast. So whilst I've no doubt this is anathema to a racing driver, you need to slow down.”

Mark smiled at Seb.

“Think you can manage that?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I guess.”

“Just for a bit, just to give yourself the space to recover. Think of it as saving fuel, then you can push later on.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh and stared at her.

“You watch?”

“My boyfriend does, so I see plenty of races if I'm not working on a Sunday.”

Dr Roberts smiled.

“I was trying to think of an analogy that would make sense to you.”

“Very good,” praised Mark.

“Thanks. I mean it though. You have to give yourself a break Seb. I'm sure this is horrible to go through, but I promise you the signs are good that you should have as near to a full recovery as possible. You have to let yourself do it at the speed your body can cope with.”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian, thinking of the promise his mother had extracted from him.

This doctor was nice. He liked her, though Seb didn't think she was even as old as Mark. She seemed very confident in what she was saying and her manner made it made it far less alarming to hear.

 

“He's still getting bad headaches,” reported Mark.

“Yes well I'm afraid that's to be expected. Dizziness too?”

“Mm,” agreed Sebastian. “Only really bad if I move about.”

“Well let's not do too much of that for a bit then,” proposed the doctor sensibly.

“It's especially bad if he shakes or nods his head,” Mark added.

“Yes, well again, I can only advise trying not to do that.”

“I keep forgetting,” admitted Seb.

“Yeah. It's a tough one. Other than fitting you with a neck brace I can't do a lot other than remind you to try not to do it.”

 

Dr Roberts gave him a wry smile and Seb tried to match it, thinking she reminded him a little of his eldest sister except that Stef was blonder.

“I'll try.”

“Okay, well I think it would be for the best if we say you'll stay another night and then see how you are tomorrow.”

The doctor saw the look on Seb's face.

“I know you'd rather go home, but l think it's best that we play it safe. This is still a severe concussion and your degree of recurring amnesia remains of concern.”

Seb hadn't been able to pretend that he knew where he was when he woke up when the doctor had spoken with him this morning. He thought he had done fairly well with her questions but there wasn't a lot he could give her about the day before or indeed many details from his time at the hospital in Milan.

“How's your head right now?” she enquired.

“I don't know, medium level I guess?”

Sebastian wondered if he really ought to come up with a scoring system to explain it.

“Okay, I can give you something in a minute. I wanted to check, I've had a Dr. Phillips on the phone. He says he's your team doctor. Is that correct?”

Mark was about to answer, but he saw that Dr. Roberts was looking to Seb. He tried not to look too relieved when Seb replied.

“Yeah.”

“Right, well he wants to come by to see how you're doing and he's asking if you are happy for me to share your medical information with him?”

Sebastian glanced at Mark.

“Um, yeah that's okay,” Seb agreed.

“I'm presuming it's so he can provide ongoing care once you're out.”

Mark nodded confirmation.

“That's fine then. I'll let him know, then I can have a chat with him when he comes in.”

“Thanks.”

 

The doctor nodded and sorted out more medication before promising to return later on and then leaving them to it. Sebastian settled down and let the drugs send him off as Dr. Roberts had suggested.

Mark sat holding Seb's hand. He had been doing this for so many days now Mark was fairly sure he was actually be able to do this in his sleep.

“Better?”

“Mm. It's not quite so scary here.” Seb admitted.

“Isn't it? Good. Don't be scared. You know I'm always here,” reassured Mark.

He didn't like that Sebastian was implying that the other hospital had been more frightening. Mark hated that Seb was scared at all. He knew that Seb would probably fall asleep again now and inevitably wake up later not understanding where he was. The process was exhausting and Mark wished there was a way to fix it so Sebastian didn't have that terrible fear striking whenever he woke, but there was nothing to be done. He just had to reassure him and explain things and keep him calm until things sank in. Mark prayed that the doctor was right and proper rest would help Seb's mind and body heal itself naturally.

 

 

 

 

Mid-afternoon there was a knock on the door and the nurse appeared to inform them that Britta was there with Christian and Dr. Phillips, asking to say hello. Dr. Phillips looked to see how Seb was and checked it was okay before disappearing off to find Dr. Roberts.

Christian and Britta chatted only briefly, not wishing to tire Seb out. They agreed to putting out another official communiqué confirming that Sebastian remained in hospital under observation. Other than that they merely consoled themselves with Seb's assurances that he wasn't feeling too bad and was getting proper rest whilst he was here.

Britta didn't want to cause them any more worry, so she told Seb and Mark nothing of the work she had been doing all morning trying to calm down the press who had all run headlines this morning about Sebastian being rushed back into hospital and dramatically collapsing in public. There was no denying it was mostly true, as Christian had told her once he had finally spoken to her late last night. Britta had asserted all her weight to assure various editors that Sebastian was only being kept in as a precaution and warn them that if they kept on writing hysterical stories about Sebastian, making it sound as though he might die at any moment, then they would only succeed in making themselves look ill-informed and ridiculous. Moreover she had been carefully reminding each and every news organisation that if they spread false rumours about Sebastian's condition, or the care he was getting, or anything about Mark and the rest of his family, then RedBull were in a particularly litigious mood and frankly she was spoiling for a fight after the week she'd had, which hopefully had persuaded one or two recalcitrant offenders to consider mending their ways and at least trying to check a few facts before going ahead with their stories.

All Britta told Seb was that everything was in hand and he needn't worry. She certainly didn't mentioned that she thought they were pretty lucky no one in that A&E waiting room had snapped a photo on their phones in addition to tweeting about seeing him. Britta hadn't been too happy that it had taken Christian so long to get hold of her, but then that was her fault for taking his advice literally, never imagining that Seb could wind up back in hospital, thus ensuring he made the front pages yet again.

She had been glad to see the uniformed guard sitting in the corridor, even if he did look bored out of his mind and to know that the hospital's security team was on high alert. Christian had suggested on the flight back from Italy that if Sebastian was going to be recovering for a while she might be due a well earned holiday, but it seemed that wasn't about to start just yet and in truth she felt better for having something to do. Once Seb was home and everything calmed down, maybe then Britta could finally relax.

 

Mark hadn't wanted to mention about the security guard outside at all, seeing as he wasn't entirely sure whether Seb remembered what had happened to cause them to want to leave the previous hospital and precipitated this whole messy chain of events, but not long after their visitors left the nurse came through to check up on them and accidentally mentioned it without thinking and so Mark was forced to explain.

Sebastian listened and it took him a moment to remember before it hit him; Someone had been in their room, in the other place, the other hospital, someone had come in and taken a photograph of them asleep then sold it to the press. It made Seb feel sick to even think of it. Mark had to sit up on the bed with him for a bit until he was sure Seb was okay, reminding him that there was no way that could happen here and everyone was making doubly sure of that.

Sister Leyton apologised for speaking out of turn, but Mark shook his head and admitted he should have told Seb earlier. The nurse checked Sebastian was okay before leaving, signing off with a promise he was absolutely secure here and that if anyone tried to get past either her or Sister Benjamin, they would regret it.

“Never you mind that security guard. Either Benjy or I am out there and you don't mess with either one of us.”

She gave Sebastian a reassuring smile.

“Anyone so much as _looks_ at that door handle without permission and I'll sit on them.”

Mark coughed a laugh and Sebastian ended up smiling. The nurse was about five foot two tall and the idea of her pinning anyone down seemed ridiculous, but somehow they both thought she would give it a good go.

“And I'm pretty sure Sister Benjamin is a hair puller, so you cross us at your peril,” she warned with mock seriousness.

She had given them both a firm nod and walked out, hoping that would help Sebastian feel better. Jude wondered how she had been so stupid as to not guess that his very protective partner might have been keeping the fact they felt the need for a security guard outside from him. No wonder really when the press behaved so appallingly. She'd seen the headlines this morning. Disgraceful exploitation of that poor young man's situation in her opinion and word was that site security had thrown some reporters out of the hospital grounds earlier. Nobody but nobody was coming past her.

 

 

 

 

They spent the following night as they had the one before; Mark trying not to take up too much of the bed and Sebastian curled into him absorbing the comfort of Mark's strong arms holding him and placing his ear over Mark's heart to lull his headache away. When Seb woke and snatched at him in the middle of the night, Mark gave no sign of the strain it was to repeat this little ordeal because he knew the ordeal was Sebastian's not his.

Mark turned the side light on so Sebastian could see the room and held him tightly in as he went through it again; Seb was safe, in hospital, not far from home and they would go back there just as soon as the doctor said they could. He assured Seb that it was normal; the pain and the dizziness and the disorientation, all sadly horribly normal, but he wasn't to worry about it because Sebastian was going to get better. Very soon he would start getting better and they would be home.

Seb kept the word 'home' at the forefront of his mind and tried to shut the pain and the anxiety out. He held on to Mark feeling himself held in turn and closed his eyes as he rested into him.

Safe. He was safe here. Mark keeping him safe and this place wasn't like the last one; No machines, no language being spoken that took far too much concentration on to try to understand, the nurses were kind and the doctor reassuring. All these women seemed far nicer and Seb couldn't bring himself to think why they were less frightening than all the men in the other place. He didn't want to think about that at all. No strange men here and no one was coming through that door to get to them while he was sleeping to do bad things. Seb kept his eyes closed and stopped thinking altogether. He was safe.

Mark watched him slip back into sleep, then released one hand from around Seb to reach over and turn off the light. Sebastian was clinging to him as if Mark would slip away in the night. He'd never do that. Mark sighed into the darkness and put his arm back around to hold Seb tight.

Maybe in the morning when they woke it wouldn't be quite so bad. Maybe with daylight Seb might recognise the room they were in. Maybe. Mark hoped so.

 

 

 

 

 

“There we go. See, just the hospital. Remember darling? Back in England now.”

Sebastian turned his head a little more and looked around, still slowing his breaths from the initial fright on waking. Okay, okay, it did look familiar now it was morning.

“The Radcliffe.”

Mark smiled with relief and kissed him.

“That's it. Well done. Well done,” he praised, giving Sebastian a pleased hug as they sat there, Seb still half turned into him.

Sebastian breathed out and felt his heart slow as he pressed into Mark again. After another minute he sat back up, feeling more awake.

“I'm getting better aren't I?” he asked hopefully.

“Yes darling. Better. You're getting better.”

Sebastian worked hard and remembered not to nod. He wasn't to do that. That was priority number one, all other priorities rescinded. After that he had to try to remember where he was and he'd managed that. Then what had happened; He'd been in an accident. In a race. In Italy, Monza obviously. After there the memories stopped, but everyone said that didn't matter, so it was okay and Seb wasn't sure he wanted to remember all that anyway. He wasn't over keen on making much effort to remember being in hospital in Italy either as that had been horrible and the journey home was a blur, so that was pretty much a write-off as well. Seb felt almost as though the short stop at his family's home in Germany had been a brief awakening in a longer nightmare and only now was he starting to really wake up properly.

Seb ran through the little ploys he had worked out in his own head to remember some other key facts. The night nurse was Benjy and she kept their sleeping in the same bed together a secret. _Benjy the bed._ Seb didn't know why that worked as a reminder, but it did. And the day nurse was Jude. _Hey Jude,_ like the Beatles song. That was easy. The doctor was a toughie, 'o' and 't' and 'r' like there were in 'doctor'. _'Doctor',_ similar letters but not in the same order. Dr. R. Dr. _R..._ Dr. Roberts. There, see? He was getting better. Much better.

 

 

 

 

 

When the doctor came around for her morning checks Sebastian tried to impress her by saying her name before she did. Dr. Roberts smiled and asked if that meant he was feeling better.

“Much better. Thank you.”

She nodded, thinking that a good twenty-four hours plus of complete bed-rest had been the correct course to take to help him recover from over-straining himself. There was definitely an improvement in both Sebastian's demeanour and responsiveness.

“How's the dizziness?”

“Well... Not great,” Seb confessed. “It comes and goes.”

“And your head?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It's still there.”

The doctor laughed.

“It seems you've not lost your sense of humour.”

She smiled at Sebastian then looked more to Mark.

“That actually is a very good sign,” she reassured.

Dr. Roberts had seen enough of Sebastian on television to know that making jokes was a part of his normal personality.

“Seriously though?” she checked.

“Same as the dizziness; The headaches come and go a bit.”

“And when it's bad it's bad,” noted Mark, not wanting Seb to play it down too much.

“Seb?” checked the doctor.

“Yeah it's not great when the painkillers have worn off”, Seb admitted.

“And now?”

“Not great.”

“Okay, well you can have something to help now and I'll come back when you've had a rest. Then maybe you might be up for a few mobility tests and we'll see what we think.”

“You mean I might be able to go home?” asked Sebastian hopefully.

“Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Just have a rest this morning and we'll see how you are later. Okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian, not sure what prospect was more appealing; the chance of going home or the drugs making his headache ease off. Right now he would settle for the latter.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian woke up and blinked at his surroundings, his heart doing the familiar seize as he didn't know where he was.

“Mark?”

Seb looked to his side and stared. Not Mark. Someone sat there, but not Mark. Most definitely _not_ Mark. He blinked several more times and took a deep breath, feeding his brain oxygen and trying to put things together to make sure he didn't panic. He was in hospital and that most definitely wasn't Mark. It was...

“Lewis?”

“Hey man. Wow, it's really good to see you awake.”

Lewis had honestly thought the worst when he'd been allowed in here and seen Seb seeming to be unconscious lying on the bed while Mark sat at his side holding his hand, only for Mark to reassure him that Sebastian was merely sleeping.

 

Sebastian wasn't taking in any of what Lewis said. All he could think of was why Mark wasn't there.

“Where's Mark?”

Lewis felt a little uncomfortable seeing how unsettled Sebastian clearly was.

“He just went to the bathroom. He'll be back in a moment. Do you, umm, do you want me to go get him?”

Sebastian forced calm on himself. Mark would be back, he'd only gone to the loo, he was allowed to do that. Seb knew he had to stop being so clingy. Lewis was looking at him funny.

“No. Sorry, I'm okay.”

Lewis nodded.

“How are you feeling?”

Seb pushed his hands down on either side to shift himself a little higher to half sit up in bed against the pillow on the angled up bed.

“Umm, yeah, okay. A bit, yeah... Sorry.”

Sebastian rubbed at his face and for the oddest moment he expected to still have the drip in his arm, but he didn't have that here, that was in the other hospital. He tried harder to rouse himself.

“Yeah, sorry I'm not very awake.”

“Oh hey, no really it's fine. Like I say I'm just glad you're awake at all. I mean really, everyone's been so worried.”

“Thanks.”

Did you say 'thanks' to that sort of thing, Seb wondered? He wasn't sure, but Lewis simply nodded again.

 

“I did come to the hospital in Italy, a bunch of us did, but you were... Well, it wasn't a good time so, yeah anyway I don't know if they said? It doesn't matter, just, I wanted you to know, that's all,” stumbled Lewis, realising he really had no clue what the right thing to say was in this situation.

“You came to see me?”

Sebastian definitely didn't remember seeing Lewis.

“Yeah, right after the race. We didn't actually come up of course, we were just in the lobby.”

“Who was there?”

“Me, Dan, Fernando, Felipe,” recounted Lewis.

“Really?”

“Yeah, just you know, for solidarity. We were worried. No one told you?”

Lewis didn't want to sound as though he thought that was an important point, obviously it didn't matter in the scale of things.

 

“I, umm... I'm not sure.”

Seb scrunched his face a little and confessed; “I don't really remember stuff.”

Sebastian sounded very quiet and Lewis felt bad for even mentioning it.

“It doesn't matter. It's fine. Mark said... well he said you don't remember the race or anything.”

“No.”

 

Seb still sounded quiet and Lewis was sure he was being stupidly clumsy saying all the wrong things making his friend feel worse.

“Well you've got concussion haven't you? That's normal right?”

“I think so. That's what they say,” Seb agreed.

“So I'm sure you'll be fine. You know, when you've had a rest,” Lewis offered, trying to sound positive.

“Yeah.”

“I guess you're going to be out a few races.”

“I, umm, yeah I guess.”

Sebastian hadn't even thought about that.

“I'll miss you, I mean racing and stuff of course, but just having someone to hang with.”

Seb managed a smile, feeling a little better.

“Will you be lonely?”

“Yeah man. Who am I gonna talk to about _not_ not talking to my team-mate?”

Lewis got a slightly blank face in reply and he realised his jokey reference was lost on him. Damn, Seb really didn't remember anything from Monza.

 

“Anyway, yeah course I'll miss you, but it doesn't matter, just get well, you know?”

“Sure.”

“I was really worried when I heard you were back in here. I didn't believe it at first, but I asked Christian.”

Sebastian furrowed his brow.

“You spoke to Christian?”

“I texted him. He took our numbers after... after what happened, to let us know how you were. Anyway I asked him and he said yeah, that you were here. I was planning to come see some of my family this weekend, so I thought I'd swing by and just say hi, so... um... Hi,” Lewis finished lamely.

“Hi,” smiled Seb.

He wondered why Lewis seemed so nervous.

“I don't look bad do I?” Seb queried, wondering if he looked ill and that was what was bothering his friend.

“Hmm? Oh no, you look fine,” assured Lewis. “Mark looks like hell.”

“Does he?”

Sebastian wasn't sure he'd thought anything about how Mark looked, he just looked like Mark.

“Mm, well you know, worrying and stuff I guess. Anyway, never mind.”

Lewis thought Sebastian looked a little disturbed by his comment and wanted to smack himself in the face. He was rubbish at this.

 

The door opened and Mark walked back in, his heart sinking when he saw Sebastian had woken up. Mark had been sure Seb had been fast asleep enough for him to have nipped out unnoticed. He walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Hey, you're awake. Sorry. I only stepped out a second. You okay?”

Mark leaned in a little closer and gave Seb a soft smile as he gave his cheek a gentle stroke.

“M'okay.”

“Good.”

Lewis sat there, feeling as though they had forgotten he was in the room.

“Lewis is here,” noted Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh and sat back up.

“Yes I know.”

He glanced at Lewis, then back at Sebastian.

“I left him looking after you.”

“Oh um, speaking of that,” tried Lewis, thinking of something he'd considered on the way driving here. “Is there anything I can do for you guys? Anything you need?”

Mark shook his head.

“Seb?” pushed Lewis.

“Thanks, but hopefully we'll be going home before too long.”

“Good. Well I hope so, but if you think of anything, anything at all, just ask. You know, send me a text or whatever.”

 

Mark gave Lewis a smile thinking it was a kind offer, even if he couldn't think of anything Lewis could practically do to help.

“You could get me a really strong coffee,” suggested Mark.

Lewis sat up.

“I can do that.”

“It was a joke.”

“Oh. I don't mind.”

“Really?”

Mark couldn't quite picture Lewis being their tea boy.

“Sure. I'm guessing you could use one. Seb?”

“Um, well tea, if you really don't mind?”

“Course. Milk? Sugar?”

“Just a bit of milk, thanks.”

“Mark?”

“Black, no sugar, extra shot.”

“Right. I'm all over it,” grinned Lewis, glad to feel he could do something useful.

 

He got up and patted Mark on the shoulder.

“Extra strong coffee coming up.”

Lewis shook his head at Mark thinking how badly he looked in need of a boost.

“You look like shit man.”

Lewis gave Seb a smile.

“What have you been doing to this poor guy?” he tried joking.

“Giving me grey hairs,” agreed Mark.

Lewis noticed that Mark had taken Sebastian's hand and thought it was a good time to make himself scarce.

“I'll be back in a bit. Assuming that nurse lets me back in. Bit of a dragon isn't she? Asked me for ID and everything before she finally gave that security guard the nod to let me through.”

Mark tried not to laugh at Lewis' slightly outraged tone. He suspected Lewis wasn't used to being stopped from doing anything he wanted to. Mark gave Sebastian a wink, glad to hear that the nurse was keeping her word.

 

As soon as Lewis left them Sebastian sat further up and leant into Mark to get a hug.

“Sorry darling. You were asleep. I thought you'd be alright for a minute.”

“It's okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Yeah... I just... for a moment I was confused who was sat there,” Seb confessed.

Mark sat back a fraction and gave Seb a teasing smile.

“Didn't get the two of us mixed up did you?”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“Few tiny differences.”

“Just one or two,” agreed Mark.

 

It was almost half an hour before Lewis returned, bearing two paper cups with lids on.

“They double cupped them for me so they should still be hot,” noted Lewis before handing them over.

Mark took the lid off his and blew on it for a moment before taking a sip. It was extra _extra_ strong. It was the best coffee he could remember tasting in a long time.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“You took a while,” commented Sebastian.

Lewis nodded, still standing by the bed.

“I got a bit lost. This place is huge. Anyway, I'll push off now, leave you in peace.”

“You don't have to go,” offered Mark.

“No it's okay, unless you need anything else?”

“A pastry?” suggested Mark.

Lewis paused, then realised Mark was winding him up.

“Right. Okay, well if you actually need anything, I mean it, just give me a shout.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah thanks Lewis.”

“No problem.”

 

He pulled his jacket on ready to go. Sebastian noticed he wasn't wearing any of his usual showy jewellery and wondered if this counted as as Lewis going incognito.

Lewis offered a hand to shake Mark's and gave Seb a gentle pat on his arm.

“Feel better, yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Lewis took a couple of steps away and then thought of something else.

“Oh I... I just wanted to say... I mean in case you read it somewhere or whatever. In Monza... they made us do the podium. I didn't want to. I told Toto I thought it was wrong, but they insisted and... We didn't do the champagne or anything, we just got it over with, but...”

Lewis saw their blank faces and felt bad for even mentioning it, wondering if it was selfish and unkind to even bring it up.

“Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I just... I feel really guilty about it and I'd hate you to see about it somewhere and think we were celebrating in any way.”

 

Mark was carefully watching Seb's reaction to Monza being mentioned, but thankfully the entire period was such an empty page it didn't seem to upset him. He turned slightly further to see Lewis looking awkward and clearly heartfelt in what he was saying.

“It's fine. Don't worry about it. We understand.”

Mark knew that race organisers could be pretty insensitive at times in the way they rigidly stuck to their programmes no matter what.

“Did you win?” asked Seb.

“Hmm?”

“Did you win the race?”

“Oh, um, well yeah I guess. It doesn't really count seeing as they stopped it. Not to me anyway.”

“Well done.”

“Thanks.”

 

Lewis suddenly felt choked. It had been awful, he'd been so worried about Seb. There had been horrific rumours already spreading like wildfire that Seb's heart had stopped and it was a dead body they were putting in that helicopter. He'd felt bullied into going onto the podium and sick when he was up there. He'd done the bare minimum of a polite wave and accepted his trophy before telling the interviewer all he cared about was that Seb was okay, but in Lewis' mind throughout was the terrible fact that seeing the crashed car and the helicopter landing on track only made him think of Ayrton.

Lewis gave them a tight smile.

“I'm really really glad you're okay. Nic said to say hi. He's off racing this weekend or he would have come too.”

“Thanks. I'll see you soon, yeah?”

“Yeah course. Mark, remember what I said; Anything you guys need, alright?”

“Cheers Lewis. Thanks for the coffee.”

“Any time.”

 

 

 

 

 

Later in the day Dr. Phillips arrived for another visit and after talking with Mark and Sebastian for a while he went to talk with Dr. Roberts about the possibility of Sebastian being released from hospital to finally go home. While they were waiting for them to return Mark looked to Seb.

“You're sure you feel well enough?”

“Yeah, I'll just rest won't I? It'll be better at home. I'll know where I am then.”

Mark sighed, torn once again as to what was best.

“Okay, but remember what you promised your mum alright? Don't force anything, you have to be honest with the doctor. We're not going home until they say you're really ready.”

Sebastian squished his face a bit.

“Please Seb, I know you want to go home sweetheart, but I couldn't stand it if you got ill again because we rushed things.”

Seb saw the strain on Mark's face and had to agree.

“Okay, I'll tell the doctor the truth. I promise Liebling.”

“Thank you.”

“I really would like to go home though.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“I know, me too, but only if you're ready alright?”

“Alright.”

 

The two doctors returned and had a longer discussion with the pair of them, running through things with Sebastian and doing the physical tests that had been avoided until now. Seb did feel tired completing them and when Dr. Roberts asked him how he felt Seb was tempted to fib and say he was fine, but he saw Mark's face and confessed.

“I am kind of dizzy.”

“So bad you feel you might vomit?”

“No not that bad.”

“Okay. Do you think if I asked you to stand now you could keep your balance and not fall?” questioned Dr. Roberts.

Sebastian hesitated, wondering where the line lay between forcing himself and just giving it a try.

“Do you want me to have a go?”

“Only if you are comfortable doing so.”

Seb looked to Mark who was trying to keep his expression neutral.

“Yeah I can I think.”

 

Sebastian shuffled back to the edge of the bed and Mark hovered to side of the doctors as Seb slid carefully off the bed and stood again, Mark's hand floating a few inches away just in case.

“How's that?” asked Dr. Roberts.

“Bit dizzy but, yeah I'm okay.”

He looked to Mark.

“I'm really okay.”

They waited a few moments while Seb settled down and the doctor checked that the dizziness had abated now that he had adjusted to standing upright.

 

“Feel up to a little stroll?”

Sebastian managed a smile at the doctors choice of words.

“Yeah okay.”

“Not too far,” cautioned Mark.

“Just as far as you feel confident going, okay Sebastian? You lead here,” assured Dr. Roberts.

 

Seb managed a little way down the corridor then looped back and paused by the desk, saying hello to Sister Leyton who smiled and asked how he was doing.

“They're seeing if they might let me out.”

“Oh really?”

She looked at Mark, observing how concentrated he still was on Seb. He had walked anxiously by his side as the doctors trailed them, monitoring how Sebastian was doing.

“Yeah, if I pass their tests.”

“Ah I see. Well good luck then.”

Sebastian turned slowly to look at the doctors.

“How'm I doing?”

“Not bad. Want to go a little further the other way?”

Seb paused then looked to Mark again, remembering his promise.

“I think maybe that's far enough,” he admitted.

“That'll do won't it?” asked Mark.

“Sure. Are you okay to walk back to your room then Sebastian?”

“Yeah, I'm alright.”

  
Seb just didn't want to risk going any further and then screwing this up by needing help to get back to his room. Mark offered to take his arm and Sebastian nearly shook his head to refuse it, but stopped himself just in time.

“I can do it, it's okay. Really Mark.”

“Alright.”

He completed the walk back and tried not to look too grateful to sit back down on the bed.

“So what do we think doc?” Seb asked hopefully.

 

Dr. Roberts thought for a moment.

“You're keen to go home?”

“Yes.”

Mark had to smile at that. Surely the doctor knew the answer before she asked it?

“Hm, okay. Dr. Phillips you said you're okay to make house calls to check up on him?”

“Certainly.”

“We would need to arrange some out-patients visits.”

Mark saw the way Sebastian instantly lit up.

“I can go home?”

“If you promise to take it easy and continue to rest,” checked the doctor.

“I promise. I'll just rest at home. I'll be better at home, won't I Mark?”

Mark thought it was ironic that Seb was asking him to back him up when he had been asking Seb to be cautious. He looked at Seb carefully before addressing the doctor.

“As long as you don't think there's any danger of a relapse doc?”

“There's no indication, although obviously if you were concerned you would need to bring him back in.”

“I would, of course, but if he's as he is now?”

“Yes, just rest and recuperation.”

Mark was mostly thinking that their main problem aside from the inevitable headaches was how disorientated by his surroundings Seb was. If he felt safe and settled at home that would be better and maybe that would have the knock-on effect of helping Seb overall. At least this time they wouldn't need to make a long journey to get there.

Dr. Roberts nodded and spoke with Dr. Phillips for a moment to go over a few things.

 

Mark sat on the bed next to Sebastian.

“You're sure about this?” he checked.

“Yeah. I'll be better at home. It's not far to go is it?”

“Only half an hour or so. That okay you think?”

“Yeah that's fine.”

No long treks, no trains and tunnels or anything else, just a short drive and they could be home again. It seemed a tantalisingly close prospect to Seb now.

 

The doctors came back over.

“Okay then, as long as you promise to rest and only take small amounts of gentle exercise to begin with then I can agree to signing you out and let you go home,” stated Dr. Roberts.

 

Mark turned to Seb and saw how happy he looked. It was impossible not to be happy for him in turn. Mark really would be relieved to be finally home again himself.

Dr. Phillips spoke; “I'll give you a lift home and we can work out when is good for me to call round to see how you are.”

A thought suddenly struck Mark.

“Oh shit, the hire car's still in the car-park. It must have a dozen tickets by now.”

“Don't worry about it Mark, the team will sort all that for you,” assured Dr. Phillips.

“Really?”

“I'm sure of it. Let me drive you back, then you can rest. Okay Mark?”

“Okay, thanks. All our stuff is still in the boot.”

“If you give me the keys I'll get it and put it in my car.”

“You sure?”

“It's fine. I'm pretty sure I remember what the car looks like. I'll find it, that's no problem,” assured Dr. Phillips wanting to make things as easy as possible for them.

“Thank you.”

 

Seb wasn't paying a lot of attention to the details. All he cared about was that they were finally leaving. He sat still smiling at Mark.

“We're really going home?”

“Looks like it,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian beamed at him and Mark put his arm around Seb to give him a squeeze. It was impossible to resist making Seb happy when he smiled that way at him.

 

The doctors made their arrangements discussed what painkillers were being prescribed and left, sending Sister Leyton in to assist them.

“You passed their tests then?”

“Yep,” answered Sebastian happily. “Will you miss us?”

The nurse laughed.

“Well with any luck I'll only have one patient to look after in this room next.”

Mark smiled at her, knowing that both nurses had colluded in allowing them more leeway than they were strictly meant to.

“Thank you for taking such good care of us,” replied Mark.

“Ah well I'm not sure I did very much, but anyway.”

“You did, thank you.”

“Yes thank you Jude,” agreed Sebastian, pleased that he could remember her name. “And you'll thank Benjy won't you.”

“I will, that's no problem. It's what we're paid for.”

Sebastian snuck her a grin.

“You're not going to call the papers to sell your story once we're gone are you?”

“What make a tonne of money and leave this glamorous lifestyle behind? Not a chance,” countered Sister Leyton, smiling at them.

“Right then, let's get you going. I'm meant to give you a hand dressing.”

“I've got it,” asserted Mark.

“Well then, I'll be outside.”

Normal clothes, thought Sebastian seeing Mark pull out his things from the backpack. Thank god. He was so sick of hospital gowns.

 

 

Within a short space of time they were ready to go once more, Seb feeling infinitely better at the prospect of finally getting home. Thankfully the lift took them close to an exit from the hospital building that Dr. Phillips could bring his car round to thus sparing Sebastian the humiliation of having to leave in a wheelchair for a second time. Dr. Phillips sat waiting on what was technically double yellow lines, but seeing as it wasn't in the path of any emergency access he didn't feel too guilty about it. He climbed out and made sure Mark and Seb were settled in the back before setting off.

Mark kept his hand in Seb's and with his other pulled out his phone.

“I'm just gonna let a few people know we're heading home.”

“Sure.”

“We can give your family a quick ring when we get back, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark thought it best to wait until Seb was resting at home before making that call, knowing how those conversations seemed to take a toll on him.

 

 

 

Before long they rounded the lane and were pulling into onto their drive. Sebastian was staring out of the car window at the house as if he thought it might be a mirage. He had been desperate to see their home for so long now it was almost hard to believe it was real.

Dr. Phillips hopped out and pulled their bags from the boot to put them by the doorstep before returning to check Sebastian was safely out of the car.

“Now you're absolutely sure that you don't need any extra help around here?”

“No we're alright.”

The idea of getting a nurse in had been firmly rebuffed, so the doctors had been assured that Mark was happy to keep an eye on him and Dr. Phillips would make his check-up visits and that would be sufficient.

“Right then, do you want a hand or shall I leave you in peace?”

Mark gave him a smile, his arm around Seb by his side.

“You won't be offended if I say the latter?”

“Not at all. Peace and quiet. That's my prescription for a few days. Rest like Dr. Roberts said. If you feel up to it Seb, you can try a very gentle bit of exercise, just a little walking perhaps. Only what you are comfortable with, okay?”

“Okay doc,” agreed Seb.

“I think we can put off any formal programme of exercise for now. Take it easy and see how you go. Nothing too strenuous. Then maybe in a week or so we can reassess how you're doing and see if we can step things up. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good,” confirmed Mark.

“Shall we say Monday I can pop round? Eleven okay?”

“Sure.”

“Okay then. I'll leave you in Mark's capable hands. Mark, if you've any concerns, you've got my number, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Any time, alright?”

“Thank you.”

“And if you've any real worries, just take him back to the hospital.”

“We're not doing that again,” assured Sebastian.

Mark gave him a squeeze and kissed Seb's temple.

“Damn right. Okay sweetheart, let's get in. Thanks doc.”

“No problem.”

“Thanks,” added Seb.

 

Dr. Phillips nodded and climbed back in the car and started to drive away. As he looked in the rear view mirror he saw Mark give Sebastian a hug, then the front door opened and an older woman came out of the house accompanied by two enthusiastic looking dogs. He smiled to himself and pulled out of the driveway.

 

Sebastian ducked down very carefully by the dogs and let them rub into him as he gave them a grateful stroke.

“Hello, did you miss me?”

Mark smiled.

“I think they did. Careful with him boys. Seb's been in the wars, we need to look after him for a bit.”

“We'll all do that.”

Sebastian looked up.

“Hello Pauline.”

“Hello dear. Hello Mark.”

Pauline tried to make sure her voice didn't betray the emotion she felt.

“It's so good to see you back.”

Mark glanced to check that Seb was okay, then moved in to give her a hug, stepping back as he made sure Sebastian stood up safely and let Pauline hug him in turn, the dogs still crowding around his legs.

“Oh Seb dear, I'm so glad you're alright.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and smiled. Pauline let him go and shooed them in while she insisted on getting their bags. Mark kept his arm around Seb as they stepped over the threshold, the dogs nuzzling happily at them as they went inside.

They were home at last.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flippin heck, I need a lie down myself...


	83. Back To Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So now they're home, what happens next?

* * *

 

 

 

 

Mark sat down on the sofa with Sebastian while Pauline insisted on making them some tea. Shadow and Simba continued to nuzzle at their legs and they gave them a little stroke, equally glad to see them before Seb took a moment to stop and look about him.

“We're home.”

Seb sounded as if he could hardly believe it.

“Yes darling, we're home.”

Sebastian took in a sharp breath feeling a little overwhelmed to be finally back where he had longed to be all this time. Mark pulled him in for a hug, Seb slid his arms around his middle and buried his face in Mark's shoulder. Mark heard sniffling and turned to try to see.

“Hey, what's the matter?”

Seb sat up a little, trying to brush at his face to stop Mark looking so concerned.

“Why are you crying?”

“I, I don't know. I just, I think I'm just really glad to be home,” Seb admitted a little shakily.

Mark sighed and wiped away the tears for him.

“It's alright. I'm glad to be home too sweetheart. Come here.”

Mark pulled him back in for another hug and let Sebastian settle for a while as he soothed him and made sure Seb was alright.

“There we go, it's okay, it's all going to be okay now. We're just going to take it easy while you get better and everything's going to be okay.”

 

He sat them back against the sofa, positioned just as they always were; Seb tucked into his side, Mark's arm around him. By the time Pauline came through carrying two mugs of tea Sebastian felt more composed. He moved to sit up but Pauline shook her head and passed the mugs over.

“No no, you stay as you are. Now then, I've put your bags upstairs...”

Mark tried to protest but she continued.

“Too late, I've done it, they're in your room. There's some things in the fridge for you and I made you a casserole. I was going to freeze it, but if you want it now just stick it in the oven for two hours on low. I know it's probably not your usual diet, but it's full of fresh veg, so, well anyway it's there if you want it.”

Mark smiled at her.

“Pauline you're an angel.”

“Nonsense. I'm just glad you're home. I've been wishing there was more I could do.”

“Thank you for taking care of these guys.”

Pauline gave the dogs at their feet a little pet.

“Oh they're never any trouble. They've had a long walk already this morning so I think they'll be alright for today, but if you want me to pop by tomorrow?”

Pauline thought that not only Sebastian, but Mark as well, looked in need of a long rest.

Mark glanced to Seb.

“Umm, I'm not sure. Do you mind if we play it by ear?” he asked, uncertain as to whether Sebastian would be up to walking the dogs or if he could leave him to do so.

“Of course. Just drop me a text, I've no plans. Same goes if you want me to pick up any other food or anything else for you.”

“Thank you. Really. I'm sorry I didn't manage to get in touch all that much.”

Pauline just shook her head. She had been worried out of her mind, but well aware that Mark had been in no position to be contacting her when he was by Seb's bedside.

 

“Okay, can I do anything for you now?”

“No, I think we're good, thank you.”

Sebastian picked his head up from resting it on Mark's shoulder to look properly at Pauline. He was glad he could remember her name. Seb would have felt horribly guilty if he couldn't when she was so kind to them.

“Thank you Pauline.”

Pauline's face went a little tight and she thought she had better leave before she got all emotional and upset them. Mark looked exhausted and Sebastian appeared far too pale and fragile. She was torn between wanting to stay to look after them and thinking that they needed to be left alone in peace.

“I'll get out of your way then.”

Pauline was about to walk away when she gave in to an impulse and stepped around the dogs to lean in and give Sebastian a little rub on the arm. She was tempted to tell them how she had prayed for them over the past week, but Pauline was sure that would only embarrass them.

Mark gave Pauline another smile and she left with assurances from both of them that they would rest up and get in touch if they needed anything.

 

Once they heard the door shut Seb settled his head back down on Mark. The doctor had given him a dose of painkillers before she discharged him and Sebastian really wanted to sleep.

“Do you want to ring your family?”

Sebastian sighed. The honest answer was 'no', but that was unfair. Mark saw his hesitation.

“Really quick call just to tell them you're home, then you can have a proper rest, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

He only managed two minutes before Sebastian's eyes were drooping shut and Mark took over the conversation as the phone sat on speaker in front of them, letting his family run on saying how pleased they were Seb was safely home.

“Okay well I think he's just going to rest now,” completed Mark.

There was a flurry of goodbyes and best wishes and Mark had to give Seb a gentle nudge.

“Hm? Oh, yeah love you too. Bye.”

Mark ended the call.

 

“You want to go up?”

“Hm?”

“To bed.”

Sebastian looked at him blearily and Mark set the phone down on the coffee table and put his hand to rest at the side of Seb's face to see how he was.

“You okay?”

“Just want to sleep.”

“Upstairs?”

“Here.”

Seb didn't want to move from the sofa. The wonderful sofa in their wonderful lounge with their wonderful dogs. He just needed to close his eyes.

Mark nodded.

“Lie down then sweetheart. Just rest your head on my lap,” he instructed.

Sebastian barely had the energy to move so Mark helped him to lay himself down and hook his feet up off the floor. Seb was asleep the moment he closed his eyes and Mark sighed out as he dropped his own head back against the sofa, stroking Seb's hair for a few minutes before falling asleep himself. The two dogs sat at their feet and watched them sleeping safely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day Mark decided to take up Pauline's offer and let her take the dogs out in the morning while they stayed in bed. He texted her, reaching for his phone on the side without sitting up and told Pauline that Sebastian seemed to need sleep, so she let herself in and didn't disturb them, taking a moment to tidy the kitchen when she returned, doing the bit of washing up on the side even though she knew Mark would tell her she needn't and giving the dogs fresh food and water before heading home again. Pauline knew she couldn't do anything to help Seb feel better or to stop Mark worrying, but she could do those little practical things so she did them and left with a sense that she had at least made some contribution.

 

 

 

Mark lay awake watching Sebastian sleeping peacefully against him, feeling him steadily breathing in and out. He held him in with one hand while with his other Mark carefully traced up and down Seb's arm as it lay across him. The bruises stretching down from his shoulders onto his chest were yellowed now and beginning to heal, but Mark still hated the sight of them.

Sebastian made a soft little noise and Mark tipped his head further round to look, but he was still asleep. Maybe Seb was dreaming. Mark hoped it was a good dream. So much of what Seb was going through when he was awake was bad, Mark hoped that sleep was the refuge it appeared to be.

Last night they had struggled to prise themselves from the sofa where they had returned to in the evening after eating some of the food Pauline had left them. Beyond using the bathroom, that was the only thing they had done since getting back and Mark wasn't sure that they were likely to do any more today. It was nice though, just to lie here, to feel Sebastian pressed in to him, skin to skin in their own bed for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Sebastian had been so tired Mark had had to help peel his clothes off and Mark undressed himself thinking how good it would be to wear a fresh clean outfit tomorrow. He needed a shower too and god did he need a shave. When Mark had looked in the mirror it was as if a tramp was looking back at him, but Seb didn't care, so that could wait. It could all wait. The only thing that mattered was Seb being okay and he was best like this; asleep and at peace.

 

 

It was getting on for midday before Sebastian finally woke up, feeling dull and lethargic. Being home in bed with Mark like this was so normal it took a moment for anything to filter through, but thankfully Mark had seen him open his eyes and made sure he dipped his head into Seb's eye-line.

“Hey sweetheart, you awake?”

“Hmm?”

“We're home. We're home now, okay,” assured Mark, trying to make sure he headed off any confusion Seb might feel.

Sebastian's eyes opened wider as he started to remember; So many times he had woken thinking he was home only to be disappointed. Seb tried to look around. Were they really home this time?

“Do you want to sit up?” Mark enquired.

“Home?”

“Yes darling home.”

Mark moved his hands to help the pair of them sit, Seb still blinking and looking around.

“Not too fast okay?” cautioned Mark, not wanting Sebastian to jerk his head when he knew what effect that had.

Sebastian still took another moment to accept the reality of where they were, a nasty part of his consciousness fearing that he might be imagining things.

“We're really home?”

“Yes.”

Seb let out shaky breath and Mark gave his arm a rub to reassure him.

“We're really home. It's okay now.”

 

They were home at last. It wasn't just wishful thinking. A part of Sebastian wanted to cry with relief but he couldn't keep doing that, he had to be stronger, he should just be happy to be home.

“Okay.”

Seb sighed and pressed back into Mark.

“Do you remember what happened?”

Sebastian took another moment, still appreciating the fact that they were home in their own bed with Mark holding on to him. This was nice. He didn't want to think about bad things.

“Seb?”

“Mm.”

Mark moved to see Sebastian's face as he kept his head on Mark's shoulder.

“Was that a yes?”

 

Seb braved sitting away from Mark and letting the other available bits of reality sink in. Home. They were home and that was good because they had been in the hospital, not just one hospital, more than one. One had been a dark and frightening blur, the other not quite so bad, but neither was good because he had been in an accident, a crash, a really bad crash in a race. He'd hurt his head. It still hurt.

“Seb?”

Mark reminded himself to intervene.

“Don't nod, okay?”

Right, because he wasn't to do that. It made his head far worse.

“Yeah, it's okay. I remember. Can I have my painkillers?”

“Of course. Hang on.”

Mark let go of him temporarily to reach for the bottle and some water to give to Sebastian, watching carefully as he took his medication, then put them back on the side. He tried not to worry that it was the first thing Seb thought of on waking. Mark kissed Sebastian's forehead.

“You'll feel better soon.”

“'kay.”

“We don't have to do anything today, just whatever you want to,” Mark assured.

Sebastian took a slow breath in, hoping that drugs would start to work in a minute.

“We can stay in bed all day if you want,” offered Mark.

 

Sebastian looked at him.

“I'm sick of being in bed.”

Mark huffed a laugh. Normally you couldn't lever Sebastian out of bed.

“You want to get up?”

“Yeah.”

“You don't want me to bring you breakfast in bed?”

“No.”

Mark gave him a teasing smile.

“You don't get that offer very often.”

“I want to do what's normal.”

“Ah, I see,” nodded Mark. “Righto. Whatever you want mate. What shall we do first?”

They weren't going for their run, that much was for sure.

 

“Mmm, can we have a bath?”

“Sure. Then what?”

“Breakfast in the kitchen.”

Mark smiled. He wanted to indulge Seb's every whim, but his wishes were such tiny ordinary things.

“Good plan.”

So what if breakfast might not be the most appropriate term seeing as it was clearly pretty late on? It didn't matter.

“Can we take the dogs for a walk?”

Mark paused. He knew that was a part of their usual routine, but it seemed a bit ambitious.

“We'll see how we go shall we?” he counselled.

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb.

Normal things they normally did at home, then Seb was sure he would feel more normal himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A couple of hours later they stood in the hallway, Mark fixing on the dogs' leads before looking back up to Seb.

“You sure about this?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, just a very short walk then. We'll just see if we can go down the lane. You'll tell me if you're tired?”

“I will.”

Mark nodded and handed Sebastian one of the leads, then opened the front door, taking Seb's hand as they stepped out of the house and made their way down the drive. He'd been surprised that Sebastian had suggested taking the dogs out, but once they had properly got up Sebastian had been walking about the house okay and had said he was feeling far better now that they were home. Mark did think a little fresh air might be good for them.

 

The day was fine and dry, still warm for mid September. The countryside was beautiful at this time of year with the all leaves turning for autumn. Seb was looking forward to seeing a little more of it, but they only got half-way towards the bend in the lane before he had to stop.

He looked at Mark, his shoulders slumping.

“I don't think I can go any further,” Seb admitted.

Mark wanted to sigh. Seb had been so keen and insisted he was up to this, but they had barely gone fifty yards.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

“Oh hey, no it's fine. It's no problem okay?”

Sebastian bit his lip, feeling horribly weak. His head didn't hurt so bad, but he was dizzy and his limbs felt tired. They'd barely left the house, they hadn't even got as far as the footpath. This was ridiculous.

 

“Come on, let's turn around,” encouraged Mark, trying to make sure he sounded positive. “You can make it back can't you?”

He wasn't quite sure what they would do if Seb couldn't.

“Yeah. I'm sorry.”

“You don't need to be sorry, it's alright. Come on, the boys can run around in the garden, it's fine.”

Mark let go of Sebastian's hand and slipped it around his waist to give him a little extra support as they walked slowly back. The dogs seemed confused, trying to pull on their leads to go in the direction they had been expecting to walk, so Mark took Simba's lead from Sebastian and gave both dogs a tug to tell them they were heading back.

 

 

Once inside, Mark took them through to the kitchen and made sure Sebastian was sat down at the table before he gave the dogs a little treat to cheer them up and put the kettle on.

“Tell you what, why don't we sit outside and watch them run around, yeah?”

He turned back around to see Seb's face very tight and his eyes watery. Mark shot over to sit by him.

“Hey no, don't get upset.”

“I feel so stupid.”

“No, come on, the doctors said to take it easy.”

“I can't even walk up the road,” wobbled Sebastian.

Mark gave his arm a rub.

“ _Seb._ I'm sure that's further than you've walked before.”

Sebastian gave him a look.

“Well alright, since, you know...”

Since the accident. They now had before and after. Seb just wanted to return to before.

 

“I want to go back to normal.”

“We will darling, we will. The doctors all said you have to take it easy. That was just a bit too far. We'll build up okay?”

Seb tried to listen to what Mark was saying but it was so hard. He'd been feeling better before and Seb had been sure he was up to walking the dogs, but all that optimism had been an illusion.

“Okay?” pressed Mark.

“Okay,” accepted Sebastian as he calmed down.

“We'll get there. We just can't rush it.”

 

In the background the kettle boiled and the dogs had come over to fuss around Seb, so Mark let him stroke them while he poured hot water into the teapot and made them two mugs of tea.

“Alright?” Mark checked.

“Mm.”

“Want to sit outside then?”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark let the dogs out and checked Seb was okay walking outside before picking up their two mugs and following him to the two sun-chairs at the edge of the lawn, waiting until Sebastian was settled before passing the mug over.

“You warm enough?” checked Mark.

“Yeah I'm alright.”

Sebastian almost wanted to protest that he wasn't an invalid, but he supposed he was. Even when Seb felt ill and tired it was still hard to accept that fact.

 

One of the dogs appeared with the old tennis ball he had found abandoned in a corner of the garden and offered it up to Seb.

“Give it here Shadow,” instructed Mark.

Shadow looked at Seb for another moment, then obediently trotted around to give the ratty ball to Mark who chucked it into the distance so the two dogs could race after it. Mark switched his mug to his other hand and shifted his chair up so it was right next to Sebastian's, the wooden arms of the chairs now aligned. Mark lifted across and took a hold of Seb's hand as they sat there.

Mark found a way of balancing his mug between his knees as he re-threw the ball each time the dogs returned it. They didn't talk much, Mark instead simply giving the back of Sebastian's hand a rub with his thumb and smiling at him. Simba decided to test offering the ball to Sebastian again and Mark wondered if they could have any idea what was going on. He was convinced they knew Seb wasn't quite well because of the way the dogs kept making a fuss of him and Mark was sure they were looking at Seb to see if he was okay. Sebastian set his tea down and took the ball, risking a little throw. The ball only went about fifteen feet and Seb sighed.

“I feel like all my muscles have dissolved.”

“Don't worry about it.”

Sebastian looked at him anxiously.

“That can't happen can it? Just from not doing anything?”

Mark smiled.

“No mate, not this fast. You're just out of practice. It'll come back to you,” he assured.

“How long has it been?”

“Hm?”

Sebastian couldn't quite work it out. It felt like days and days, but this had to be the first one when nobody had asked him to test what day it was.

“Only a week,” stated Mark.

 

Suddenly it hit him. It was a week. Exactly a week. Today was Sunday. One week since the accident.

Mark felt sick at the realisation. He didn't dare look at the time but it must be close, maybe a little after two pm now, but in Italy that would be three o'clock. A week ago. A week ago Seb had just crashed. He was unconscious in the car. The doctors were pulling him out and his heart had stopped. Seb had died. Exactly one week ago.

 

Mark took a steadying breath and then blew it out carefully, trying not to let it overwhelm him.

Seb stared, confused as to why Mark was looking at him like that and behaving strangely.

“Mark?”

Mark swallowed, not wanting Sebastian to see him upset when he was so susceptible to being upset himself.

“It's okay. Sorry.”

Sebastian was still frowning and Mark rubbed his hand a little more firmly trying to distract himself. Mark sat up a bit, dumping his mug on the ground and turning in to face Seb.

“What's the matter?” pressed Sebastian.

Mark couldn't lie.

“It's just... I just realised it was a week. Exactly a week.”

Sebastian finally cottoned on.

“It's Sunday.”

“Yeah.”

“The accident was a week ago.”

Mark nodded slowly and puffed a breath.

“Yeah. Sorry sweetheart, I hadn't thought about it,” Mark admitted.

Sebastian squeezed his hand, seeing Mark was clearly bothered by that fact.

“Was it right now?”

Seb knew it was afternoon, but they hadn't considered what time it was all day seeing as it didn't seem to matter. Mark pushed out another breath. He wasn't sure he dared check.

 

“I'm not sure.”

“You don't know?”

“No I mean... I'm not sure what the time is now,” he explained.

“What time did it happen? The crash.”

Mark took a deeper breath. They hadn't discussed this.

“Just before three pm.”

Sebastian almost went to nod in acknowledgement but stopped himself. The irony would just be too much; Hurting himself a week after he had hurt himself.

“What time is it now?”

Mark's phone was wedged in his pocket. He pulled it out and stared at it for a moment before pressing the button to light up the screen. It was hard to look, but Mark did.

“It's 2.17pm, but we're an hour behind here, so that would be 3.17...”

It was just after. Just after the crash had happened.

“What was happening now?”

Mark swallowed. He hadn't thought about it at all since then. Mark had been in such a traumatised state in the aftermath of the accident that it was all a bit of a blur.

“I'm not sure exactly. I think they were probably flying you to hospital in the helicopter.”

“Right.”

 

It was so bizarre to think about for Sebastian. He couldn't relate to it at all. He had crashed his car and the doctors had treated him. They had had to restart his heart and then put him in the medevac helicopter to take him to hospital. They had told Seb what had happened to him after he had crashed but it was all a complete blank. He had been unconscious so that wasn't strange. It was the way everything around that was equally blank that was strange.

“Where were you?” asked Seb.

“Hm? Oh, um... In the car I guess, on the way to the hospital. Britta and Dr. Phillips were with me.”

“Were you scared?”

Mark had to work very hard not to cry at that. His face crumpled a little, but he fought it, pushing away the memory of just how terrified he had been.

“Yeah sweetheart I was really scared.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No darling, you don't need to be sorry.”

“Was it my fault?” asked Sebastian in a quiet voice.

“What?”

Mark felt yanked forwards.

“The crash. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong to make the car crash?”

Mark shifted right up close to him.

“No sweetheart _no_. It wasn't your fault. The brakes failed on the car.”

“The brakes?”

“Yeah. I mean they're doing an investigation to make certain why, but we're pretty sure the brakes failed. There was nothing you could do, it wasn't your fault. It just happened.”

“Right.”

Sebastian tried to absorb that. A brake failure. That was why the crash had been so bad. He wondered if he should ask for more details or not. It felt so strange talking about it, as if it was something that had happened to somebody else.

“It was absolutely _not_ your fault, okay Seb?” emphasised Mark.

 

Some crashes just happened. Some were a driver's fault, some were another driver's fault for crashing into you or causing you to crash, but others were the result of mechanical failure. They just happened. It could be a mistake by somebody somewhere along the line, the tiniest manufacturing error leading to bigger problems or it could just be a fractional imperfection, a weakness in a material that failed, causing a chain-reaction resulting in far bigger problems.

Seb knew this. Somewhere deep down he understood that sometimes things just went wrong on the car; Your engine blew at the worst moment when you were comfortably leading a race, or a wheel-nut didn't have the millimetre exact fixings to go on correctly, or any number of other seemingly tiny defects that could have disastrous consequences. Usually all that happened was your race was wrecked, but there was always a chance that the it could be worse than that.

 

“Okay,” accepted Sebastian calmly.

“Okay?”

Mark wasn't sure what to make of that. Sebastian didn't seem so upset about the crash as he was.

“Yeah. I'm so sorry Liebling.”

“It wasn't your fault,” repeated Mark firmly.

“No but I'm sorry you had to go through that. It must have been horrible.”

Mark gave him a tight nod.

“I am sorry,” repeated Seb.

“Don't be.”

“I'm just sorry that it happened.”

“Oh. Well so am I,” Mark agreed.

He let out a settling breath and tried to accept the facts as Seb seemed to be doing; A terrible thing had happened, but it wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened. Mark tried not to focus on how bad things had been a week ago and concentrated instead on the fact that miraculously only a week after Seb had been in such peril, here they were sat in their garden at home. It really was amazing. If you had told Mark that a week ago he would have praised the skies and thanked every god he could think of.

 

“Are you okay?”

Mark smiled.

“Am _I_ okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah I'm alright. I'm just so glad you are darling. A week ago...”

Mark took another steadying breath.

“A week ago I thought we might not get this and now we're home and that's just... it's just a miracle sweetheart, it's a miracle.”

Mark leaned in and pulled Seb into a hug and held onto him, not saying anything else for a while.

He could have lost Seb but he _hadn't._ That was what Mark knew he had to focus on.

Mark moved his head so he could kiss Sebastian properly then sat back, his arms still resting around him despite the chairs being in the way. He looked at Seb.

“I love you so much.”

Sebastian gave him a smile back.

“I know.”

Mark let out a little unexpected laugh causing Seb to look surprised, so he explained.

“You said that a week ago, before the race.”

“Oh. I don't remember.”

Mark gave a tiny shake of his head.

“That doesn't matter. What matters is that it was true then and it's true now. It doesn't matter if you remember the race or other things as long as you remember that I love you.”

“And I love you too,” added Seb.

“Yes darling that bit too; I love you and you love me. That's all that matters.”

 

Mark felt the truth of that and it calmed him. When Sebastian had forgotten almost everything else when he first woken he had still known him and still known that they loved each other. Just like Leanne had said; it was a fundamental truth so rooted in their core that nothing could shake it. He took a happier breath and gave Sebastian another kiss.

“I couldn't have borne it if you didn't remember me,” Mark admitted, “if you didn't remember what we mean to each other, I don't think I'd have coped with that at all.”

Seb gave him perplexed look.

“How could I forget that?”

Mark shrugged. In truth Seb could have forgotten anything or everything, but somehow that seemed impossible now.

“I guess you couldn't, nor could I. It's too important. All the other stuff, well it doesn't matter. I think most of it will come back like the doctors say and the bits that don't, we won't worry about, okay?”

Mark made it sound so reasonable.

“Okay.”

“And the physical stuff, we're not gonna worry about that either, we're just going to build up really slow like the doctors said to.”

“Okay. And then do you think I'll be fine again?”

“Yeah sweetheart I'm sure of it. We just can't rush it. We've got to follow the doctors' advice to get there.”

Mark's certainty was contagious as Sebastian knew Mark wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it.

 

“I know it's frustrating and horrible, but we've just got to go slow.”

Mark shot Seb a grin.

“I know you hate going slow.”

Sebastian tried to match his smile.

“Yeah.”

Mark moved a hand to stroke Seb's cheek.

“But we can live with going slow for now. We've just got to be patient.”

He huffed a little laugh.

“I guess that's why they call it being a patient.”

“At least I'm not in hospital any more.”

“Exactly. So anything from here on up is a win. We're just going to take tiny little steps. It won't matter as long as we're going in the right direction.”

“Okay,” agreed Seb.

“Okay then.”

“Do you want to go in?”

“Hm, it's nice to get some air.”

Seb was so bored with staying shut in.

Mark smiled more widely at Seb thinking he needed him closer.

“Do you want to sit with me?”

“Hm?”

Sebastian thought he _was_ sat with Mark, then he realised what Mark meant.

“Oh, okay.”

Mark offered him a hand and Seb took it to move from his chair to sit on Mark's lap, turning sideways into him to wrap his arms around Mark's neck and dropping his head into the crook of his shoulder as Mark held him in, tipping his head in turn to rest against Seb's.

 

Mark didn't want to let him go. He just wanted to cling to Sebastian and keep him as close as he possibly could to know he was safe. He wanted to squeeze Seb so tight, but Mark kept his hold gentle and lost himself in feeling the way Seb's body molded neatly into his own, not saying anything, just breathing together.

Sebastian didn't care that he was turned at a slightly odd angle like this or that in truth he was starting to feel a little cold from sitting out so long. He only wanted to feel Mark, to breathe in the scent of him and know he was loved and protected. Everything was going to get better now they were home.

Mark was so good to him. He had looked after him in the hospital and did everything Seb asked of him. Seb felt selfish for not thinking until now about how frightened Mark must have been when he had crashed and what a tough time he must have had in the hospital, barely leaving his side. Seb had knew he had been so self-absorbed he hadn't even noticed how bad Mark was looking until Lewis had commented on it. He looked a little better today after he'd had time to clean up and have a shave. Sebastian had teased Mark that he pretty much had a full beard, but he hadn't really thought about the fact that the reason for that was because Mark hadn't given his own care a thought while he was taking care of him. Mark never let on until now about what a strain it had been, of course it had to have been, but he never complained. Even now Mark was only thinking of him. He always put Sebastian first and Seb wished he could do something to pay him back.

 

Shadow and Simba stood a few feet away, the tennis ball dropped onto the grass. Mark and Sebastian were too buried in each other to notice.

 

 

 

 

A couple of hours later they sat half watching the television. The US Open was on. Mark had totally forgotten about it even though it had been something he had originally been looking forward to spending some time following when they had some time off between races. He was watching it rather more than Sebastian was as Seb had taken some more painkillers and was feeling a little dozy as he leant into Mark's side, only occasionally stirring and asking Mark who was winning. Mark had suggested going for a proper lie down but Seb didn't want to. He liked being sat up with Mark and the tennis game provided a soothing background with the repetitive thump of racquet on ball and the crowd only occasionally getting so enthused that it disturbed him.

Mark's phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to look at it. He read the message and stared at it for a moment before stretching out his arm to put it down on the coffee table without replying. Seb shifted against him as Mark settled back but he was half-asleep and didn't say anything. Five minutes later Mark reached out to pick the phone back up and stared at the text message that was playing on his mind.

 

ANDREAS: Hi Mark, I heard Seb is back home. I hope he is doing okay. I appreciate that you've not been able to return my calls. I hope that you are alright. I apologise for having to ask you this, but I'm sure you'll understand that we need to make plans for Austin. Are you going to be able to race or is it too soon? If you get chance could you ring me, or if not just let me know so we can decide what we're doing.

 

Mark sighed and closed the message again. He stared at the blank screen of the phone. Mark knew that he ought to ring his boss but he really didn't want to talk to him. He didn't much want to talk to anyone.

Ten minutes later he picked up the phone again trying to think of a message he could send in reply. Mark had tried to be careful not to disturb Sebastian by moving too much, but he mistimed it and a cheer went up on the television as Murray saved a tricky shot near the net. Seb took a breath in and sat up.

“Sorry.”

“Hm? No I was awake.”

Mark put the phone down and they settled back in place against the sofa.

“Who was that?” asked Sebastian looking at the phone.

“What? Oh, never mind. Don't worry about it.”

 

 

Half an hour later Mark retrieved the phone once again, not realising that Seb was awake and watching him.

“Mark what are you doing?”

“Hm?”

“You keep picking up your phone.”

Mark was tempted to lie and say he was checking the time, but he couldn't do that.

“It's just a text.”

That seemed odd to Seb. Why would Mark keep looking at it and not send a reply?

“Who from?”

Mark paused again, but couldn't think of a way to fob him off without being deceitful.

“Andreas. My boss at Porsche. Do you remember him?”

 

Sebastian thought for a moment and it came back to him; Andreas and all the board there at the race they had been at recently. Where had they been? It was around Mark's birthday. Oh they had been in Germany, because that was where Porsche were from. It had been their home race and that was why so many important people were there. Those important people hadn't wanted him there and then Mark's car had been knocked out of the race when he had been trying so hard to impress them and he had been so upset about it. That was why Seb had given Mark his presents when they came home to cheer him up. It was the last properly clear memory Sebastian had before things got muddled going into when they went to Italy.

 

“Yeah. I remember him.”

Andreas had always been nice to him, even if things were awkward with the attitude of those above him.

“What's he saying?” asked Seb.

Mark paused.

“He said he hopes you're okay.”

That was true. But it wasn't all.

Seb frowned. If that was the message why did Mark keep staring at it.

“What else was he saying?”

 

Mark didn't want to tell him. He wanted to fudge the issue and say it was nothing. He wanted to forget that he needed to reply himself. The truth was that Mark wanted to lie to himself about the need to deal with it at all. He wanted to reassure Seb and tell him it wasn't important, but he had always promised Seb that he could trust him and that would never lie to him. If he lied to him now when he was at his weakest, wasn't that a horrible betrayal of all that trust? If Seb couldn't trust him on the little things, how could he trust Mark on everything else? Trust was the bedrock of their relationship. How could he undermine that?

Mark sighed and then realised that he was staring at the phone instead of Sebastian, so he turned to him. The words _'don't worry about it sweetheart,'_ were on the tip of his tongue. Weren't there good lies? White lies, intended to protect the ones you loved. Was it always wrong to lie?

“Mark?” pressed Sebastian.

“He, umm... He was just... He just mentioned about the weekend that's all.”

“The weekend?”

Mark felt as though the words were being torn from him.

“The race.”

“There's a race?”

“Mm.”

“For you.”

“Yeah.”

Seb furrowed his brow even further as he sat up by Mark.

“You mean this weekend? You were meant to be at a race this weekend?”

Mark shook his head.

“No, next weekend.”

“Oh. Where?”

“Austin, Texas. Look don't worry about it,” rushed Mark, already regretting saying anything.

 

He could see the way Sebastian was trying to process that and Mark knew there was only one thing to be done. He didn't know why he was even hesitating telling the team. Mark sat forwards a little, facing Seb and placing his hand on his arm as he looked at him.

“I'm not going, okay. Don't worry. That's what he was asking. I just need to find a way to tell him, that's all.”

“What do you mean you're not going?” asked Seb, suddenly sounding upset.

“It's okay. Of course I'm not going. I'm not leaving you. We've only just got home from the hospital, there's no way I'm flying off to the other side of the world.”

 

Mark was meant to be going to a race and he hadn't even mentioned it. Sebastian felt very unsettled by that and he couldn't work out if it was at the idea of Mark going, or the fact that Mark was saying he _wouldn't_ go for Seb's sake.

You couldn't just _not_ race. Not just to stay home. Porsche already had problems with Mark because of him. Now Mark was going to let the team down by not racing because of him and what were they going to think of that?

“You can't not go.”

“What? Of course I'm not going. I'm staying here.”

“You have to go Mark.”

“I really don't.”

“You do. The team, they... They'll expect you there,” protested Sebastian.

“They'll survive without me.”

“No but Mark what will they think?”

“It doesn't matter.”

“It _does_ matter.”

 

Mark sighed and rubbed his face, hating the way Seb was getting worked up. He should have just texted back to his boss and said he wasn't able to go and not mentioned it to Seb. It might have been wrong to keep it from him, but it would surely have been better. He shouldn't have hesitated worrying over what to say. He was tired, so bloody tired. Mark didn't want to have to be dealing with this. Why did there have to be a damn race this weekend complicating things? It was all he needed and now it was upsetting Seb too. He should never have told him.

 

“Seb sweetheart don't get worked up. It's okay. I'm not going to go to any race. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay here and take care of you.”

Sebastian's head was tumbling with fears and half recalled bad memories; Porsche not wanting him at Le Mans and how they had to be so careful in the garage not to show too much affection because the board were paranoid about it being shown on TV. How it was Seb's fault, because every time Mark worked hard to make things better with the team and fought for good results to justify Porsche keeping him, there always seemed to be more problems making things worse again. Seb couldn't remember all of it, but even through all that blurriness he was sure that Mark's problems with Porsche were because of him being too high-profile. He couldn't let Mark ruin things with them by not even going to a race just so he could stay home with him.

“No Mark you can't. You have to go,” snatched Seb.

He was starting to feel shaky with anxiety and Mark could see Seb getting distressed and hated himself for letting this come up.

“It's alright. It's not important.”

“It is. Of course it is. If you stay home then Porsche will think you're putting me ahead of the team,” protested Sebastian.

Mark almost laughed.

“Of _course_ you're more important darling. That's not even a question.”

“But if they think that, if they think that...”

 

Mark pulled Seb in, seeing him getting more upset and jittery. He rubbed his arm and spoke into Seb's ear.

“No no sweetheart, don't fret about it. I shouldn't have said anything. You don't need to worry about this.”

He could feel Sebastian's heart beating faster through his chest and Mark felt horrible. He shouldn't have told him. He should have protected Seb from worrying about this and now he was getting himself in a state about it.

He'd fucked up. He kept fucking up. Over and over Mark knew he kept getting things wrong and making things worse. He'd let Seb talk him into leaving the hospital in Italy when it was too soon. He'd taken him from his parents and dragged him all that way in the car and it had put Seb right back in hospital again. Even today he'd let him try to walk the dogs and it had only upset him when Seb couldn't go very far. He kept fucking up and letting Seb down. He was failing Seb and only hurting him more when that was the last thing he wanted, but Mark didn't seem able to stop keeping on doing the wrong things.

 

“I'm sorry darling. Don't get upset. I'm just going to tell Andreas I'm not going.”

Seb forced himself to sit up so he could look at Mark.

“No.”

“Yes darling.”

“But what will they think?”

“I don't care what they think.”

“ _Mark.”_

“Seb they'll think I'm staying home to look after you because that's what I'm doing.”

“But what will Andreas think?”

“He'll understand.”

“And what about the board?”

“I don't care what they think.”

 

Sebastian looked shocked. How could Mark throw his career away like this for him. He couldn't let him do that.

“What if they fire you for not going?”

“They're not going to fire me.”

“But your contract. Won't they be looking about whether to renew it soon?”

Mark sighed heavily, wishing he had never mentioned any of Porsche's problems with him and his concerns about his position in the team. He should never have put his worries on Seb.

 

“Seb sweetheart, you shouldn't be worrying about any of this. You just need to concentrate on getting better. I shouldn't have said anything.”

“But Mark.”

“Please darling, I don't have the energy to argue about this. I'm staying here and that's an end to it.”

Sebastian pouted, but he didn't know how to argue with Mark now either. He let Mark pull him back in for a hug and rested his head down feeling conversely unsettled and at the same time certain that he had to think of a way to persuade Mark that he _could_ go to the race and that he would be okay. Mark always did everything for him and now he was going to damage his career just so he could stay sat around at home with him. Seb couldn't let him do that.

 

 

 

 

 

The following day was spent much as the one before. Seb was much better on waking now that he didn't have the underlying anxiety about where he would find himself, but they still took their time getting up and let Pauline take the dogs out for a proper walk. Mark and Sebastian sat in the kitchen eating breakfast at a far later hour than they usually would and had only just finished when Dr. Phillips came over to check on Seb. He told them that he was pleased with Sebastian's improvement now he was home and reassured him that he wasn't to worry about relying on his painkillers and still feeling weak, telling them both that was only to be expected.

“You're managing okay on your own?”

“Yeah we're fine doc,” asserted Mark.

“You've been getting about the house okay Seb?”

“Yeah.”

“And managed the stairs?”

“Yeah. I mean not fast and Mark's with me,” Seb admitted.

Dr. Phillips smiled, thinking that of course Mark had been with him.

“We're not looking for speed Seb. Slow and steady is what we said isn't it?”

Sebastian sighed.

“Yeah.”

 

Dr. Phillips took a sip of the coffee Mark had made him and addressed both of them as they sat across from him in the lounge.

“It is very important that you don't overwork yourself Seb, do you understand?”

Mark gave Seb's hand a squeeze. He knew Sebastian didn't like hearing that.

“Yeah. I just...”

Seb glanced at Mark.

“It doesn't make sense. How can it be that just one week lying in bed and I can't do anything?”

Dr. Phillips shook his head.

“It's not really to do with that.”

“What do you mean?”

“It's not that your muscles have atrophied from lack of use. That can't happen this quickly. They might be a little out of practice, but that's not the problem.”

Seb frowned.

“So what is the problem?”

“It's not your body as such. It's the fact that your body is controlled by your brain. Every time you are trying to do an action such as stand or walk, or even to blink, you brain is sending messages to the muscles in your body telling them to do what you want them to.”

He demonstrated by slowly and deliberately picking up his mug and putting it down again.

“Like this see?”

“Right, so it's my brain that's the problem?” asked Sebastian, trying to sound as if that didn't freak him out quite as much as it did.

 

Dr. Phillips looked to Mark making sure he was reassuring Seb before continuing.

“Seb you have concussion. A serious concussion. You understand that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay so like I've been saying; You have effectively bruised your brain. That's why you have the headaches and the dizziness. It's also why you don't remember things.”

Dr. Phillips could have pointed out that he had tried to explain this to Sebastian previously, but either he didn't remember or Dr. Phillips assumed he hadn't done a good enough job explaining it to him.

“While your brain is concentrating on trying to heal it is struggling to do all the functions it would normally do without any effort. That's why it's harder work and that's why it makes you so tired. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah I think so.”

“Okay good. It's not something strange that is happening. It's entirely normal with an injury such as yours.”

“It's normal?”

“Yes. And in point of fact I've been trying to do some more research in this area as it's not my speciality, I'm sure when you go to see Dr. Roberts again she can explain it more thoroughly, but you are actually well ahead of the curve for recovery from a brain trauma.”

“Really?”

 

Sebastian perked up a little hearing that.

“Mm, now of course that's because you are who you are Seb. You're an athlete which means you're extremely fit and healthy. You're young. You received good medical care immediately after the accident. All these things mean you have a faster recovery rate and a greater chance of complete recovery.”

“Which means what?” asked Mark.

“Well, being back to normal. Back to full fitness and your brain functioning as it did before the crash. As time passes the headaches should lessen, but they may still sporadically occur and that shouldn't panic you. Likewise the dizziness and nausea which are of course related to the fact that your brain is currently having difficulty with things like balance.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave Seb a reassuring smile hoping that was a positive message to hear.

“So as I say, take things at a natural pace. You said you managed a little walk out yesterday?”

Seb shrugged.

“Not very far.”

“Getting out at all is good. It keeps your muscles exercised so they are ready to start being used more. Fresh air is good too, as is doing normal activities that your brain is familiar with.”

“So we should keep doing that?” asked Mark, thinking that after yesterday he had been tempted to not try again.

“Yes. As long as you don't push too hard. Okay Seb?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Maybe try just a little further each day,” proposed Dr. Phillips.

He raised an eyebrow at Sebastian knowing what he was like.

“And when I say that I mean a few extra yards down the road, I don't mean hiking half-way across the countryside.”

Mark smiled.

“We get it.”

“Alright, well, do you have any more questions?”

“When will I be able to race again?”

 

Mark turned in towards him in exasperation. Seb couldn't walk one hundred yards unaided and here he was asking about racing again.

Dr. Phillips gave Sebastian a look. Somehow it came as no surprise to hear him ask that question.

“Sebastian I can't give you an answer to that other than; When you are ready.”

“And when will that be?”

Dr. Phillips gave a little laugh. Racing drivers really were impossible creatures.

“You'll be ready when you are ready Seb. We don't need to be setting timetables for your recovery. It doesn't work that way anyway seeing as every person is different.”

“But once the concussion gets better?”

“Seb we're not going to be even looking at that for a few weeks. Then we will need to make sure you are up to full physical fitness.”

“A few weeks?”

Seb knew there must be more to it than that.

“Three to four weeks as a minimum are standard as a precaution to prevent the possibility of secondary concussion which could occur from even a minor accident. But that is just as a basic idea. You have a severe concussion Seb, so we just need to see how you are developing before we can really have a proper rehabilitation plan and look at when you might be able to return to racing.”

“So what would happen then?”

Dr. Phillips didn't want Sebastian to be focussing that far ahead, but he had a right to ask the questions and it might help to understand more about it.

“Well there will be a number of tests we will need to run though to see that you are able to race safely, both with us and the FIA before you would be cleared to race again.”

“Okay. What if there are still things I don't remember?”

Dr. Phillips puffed a breath.

“I'm still looking into this to be absolutely certain, but as far as I know; it depends. If you're medically declared as fit then it comes down to what extent the amnesia remains. If it is just a matter of not remembering the crash and other small details then that wouldn't disbar you.”

“So if some things stay lost it's okay?”

Dr. Phillips held up a hand to stop Seb getting carried away.

“Let's not worry about that for now.”

“I think he just wants to know it's okay doc,” pointed out Mark.

Dr. Phillips nodded.

“Yes, you don't need to worry about remembering the crash. That part isn't important. It's more general matters that would be of concern.

“I still don't know what I don't know,” Seb confessed.

“Well again, don't be worrying about that now. It's very early days Seb. I think perhaps it might be better to discuss that when you go in for your check up next week. Dr. Roberts will be better placed to answer your concerns there.”

“Don't worry about that sweetheart,” added Mark, not wanting him to put too much pressure on himself.

 

“No. Okay, anything else?” continued Dr. Phillips, continuing his checks with Seb.

“I don't think so.”

“You're eating alright?”

“Yeah.”

“And it doesn't make you feel unwell?”

“No, I mean, I don't suppose it's all that much that I'm eating,” Seb admitted.

The doctor looked to Mark.

“Would you say it's less than normal?”

“Well, yes, but not nothing. He's doing okay, just maybe not quite so much as usual.”

Dr. Phillips nodded.

“As long as it is sufficient to keep you going and make sure you try to keep it a balanced simple diet,” he recommended.

Mark nodded.

“Our housekeeper is keeping us well supplied with casseroles.”

The doctor smiled back.

“Protein and vegetables. That sounds good. I'm glad to hear you're being looked after. Alright, well if that's it for now I'll leave you to it.”

“Thanks doc.”

 

The doctor stood up.

“I'll show myself out. Remember Seb, no worrying about long-term for now, just keep on taking very gentle exercise and in-between just rest and give yourself time to recover. Okay?”

“Okay, thanks doc.”

He nodded and left thinking he was going to have to keep a close eye on Sebastian trying to over-reach himself in order to get back in the car too soon.

 

 

 

 

In the afternoon they attempted walking out with the dogs again. Mark already trying to head any problems off by saying that they should just see if they could go as far as yesterday and not be concerned with going any further. Sebastian was quiet and Mark wondered if it was because he was putting pressure on himself to get well too fast to prove a point about wanting to return to racing as he had mentioned to Dr. Phillips.

When they got to the spot they had reached the day before Mark stopped and suggested that they turn around.

“I can go a bit further,” insisted Seb.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Just a bit further.”

“We don't need to rush,” tried Mark.

“Just as far as the footpath.”

Seb saw the way Mark was looking at him.

“It's only a bit further. I'm okay, I promise.”

Mark nodded and they walked on.

 

When they reached the kissing-gate that stood at the entrance to the footpath Sebastian looked out over the fields and wished he could go on and have a proper walk like they usually did. A really good stretch out over the countryside and then on up the hill to see how everything looked now it was autumn would be nice, but Seb knew that simply wasn't possible and he just had to accept it for now. They let the dogs into the field to run around seeing as it had been harvested already and they were nowhere near any livestock. Seb leaned on the gate with Mark's arm draped around him as they watched to see that the dogs didn't go too far and they stood that way for a while letting them get some exercise as they took in a little fresh air and appreciated being out of the house.

 

“Ready to go back?”

“Yeah okay. I'm doing good, right?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah mate, very good.”

He gave Seb a kiss on the cheek then whistled the dogs to come back to them and they walked slowly back. The dogs still seemed to think it was odd that they weren't going further, but they accepted their leads being clipped back on and didn't fight being taken back home.

 

 

Mark fed the dogs and made them some more tea while Sebastian settled in on the sofa, finding the recording of the tennis as it had gone on far too long for them to sit up watching it into the night yesterday.

Mark sat back down and presented Seb with his mug.

“Found the right place?”

“Yeah, think so. It might be a bit earlier,” Seb admitted, seeing as he had been drifting slightly before they went to bed.

“Doesn't matter. Right. Press play then.”

 

They watched to the end of the match. Sebastian feeling rather more awake than he had yesterday. They didn't talk too much as they sat there, even though neither cared a great deal about the result. It was a pleasant enough distraction and Seb liked the idea that Mark was getting to enjoy watching a sport he followed without worrying about him for a bit. Sebastian snuggled into the soft fabric of the jumper Mark was wearing; it was the sweater Seb had bought him for his birthday and somehow it cheered both of them that Mark was wearing it.

 

As the match finished up and the trophies were being presented, Mark turned to Sebastian.

“Right, fancy some more of Pauline's casserole for dinner or shall I dig something out of the freezer?”

“Pauline's thing is fine.”

“Righto. I'll just pop it in to warm up. You okay here?”

“I'm fine Mark.”

Sebastian knew he had been very clingy in the hospital but it was okay here; sat at home in the lounge with the dogs was entirely normal. He wasn't going to freak out when Mark just left him to go into the kitchen. It was fine. He was fine. Mark had to know that.

 

They ate their dinner at the kitchen table, the dogs at their feet winding around their legs and looking up hopefully for the odd titbit.

Mark smiled at Seb seeing him dangling a little piece of meat in front of Simba.

“You're spoiling them.”

“They deserve to be spoiled. They're not getting their proper walks.”

“Pauline is taking them out and I'm not sure how impressed she'd be to know that you're giving away the food she slaved over for you.”

Seb rolled his eyes and dropped the meat, Simba catching it in his mouth long before it neared the floor.

As they finished their meal Sebastian tried to think of a way to bring up the matter he wanted to discuss, but he was struggling. Mark cleared away and Seb stayed sat at the table petting the dogs.

“Cup of tea, or coffee?” offered Mark.

“Umm, tea, thanks.”

 

Mark sat back down and passed over Seb's mug. Sebastian decided to be brave and bite the bullet.

“Mark have you replied yet?”

“Hmm?”

“To your boss.”

Sebastian realised that the Porsche team boss's name had slipped from his mind, but he didn't want to let on to Mark.

 

Mark sighed. He _hadn't_ replied. He knew he should have. He knew he had to. But he hadn't.

Mark had tried to convince himself that it was because he was too busy looking after Sebastian, but that was just an excuse. He had been avoiding thinking about it at all, knowing that some of Seb's points held true. Mark didn't want to think that he was selfishly worrying about his own career over Seb, but there was a tiny part of him that _did_ worry about that. He reassured himself that it was merely that he was trying to think of the right way to put it to Porsche to explain why he couldn't compete this weekend. There was another missed call from Andreas he hadn't even noticed until this afternoon. But then if he had wanted to notice calls Mark knew he wouldn't have left his phone on silent. There was another text as well, saying Andreas didn't want to pressure him, but he really did need to know what Mark was doing. It was pressure just the same and Mark knew he wasn't handling it.

 

“So you haven't?”

“I just need to find the right way...” Mark tried.

“Oh Mark, just tell him you're going, okay?”

“No I'm not. That's what I need to tell him.”

“You have to go.”

“Seb we're not having this discussion.”

“So I get no say in it?”

“ _Seb.”_

“No Liebling please, you have to listen to me. I couldn't stand it if I knew you'd damaged your career for me.”

“Seb...”

“It'd just be a couple of days wouldn't it?”

Mark opened his mouth but no words came out.

“My mum wants to come and stay. She could come and look after me for a few days until you're back.”

“No Seb.”

“She wants to come.”

“Well that's fine, she can come, but I'm not going.”

“Please Liebling.”

 

Mark looked down at his mug of tea. He couldn't be weak in the face of those blue eyes appealing to him.

“When would you have to go?” asked Sebastian as calmly as he could, trying to show Mark that he wasn't as ill as he seemed to think he was.

Mark sighed again and looked up.

“Wednesday. It's in America so that's a long flight. I wouldn't be back until Monday. That's far too long. Maybe if it was in Europe, I don't know... but America's too far sweetheart. I can't go.”

“But I'm doing better,” protested Seb.

Mark's face tensed. He didn't want to tell Seb he wasn't.

“Yes, but...”

“I spend half the day sleeping.”

The majority of their day seemed to involve Seb drifting off leaning on Mark while they sat on the sofa. They both knew that to be true and Seb was getting better at not worrying about where he was, although he still took a look around when he woke up again, just to be sure.

“That's not the point darling.”

“I'll just take my painkillers and sleep and then you'll be back.”

 

Mark looked at him, knowing full well that wasn't how it worked.

“I'll be alright.”

“Seb I'm not going and that's an end of it.”

“Please Mark.”

“They'll understand.”

“Will they though?”

“The team will.”

“And your team-mates. They'll have to race without you.”

“They won't mind.”

“And the board?”

“I don't care what they think. I told you.”

“Please Mark?”

 

Mark shifted his chair closer, seeing how Sebastian was working himself up. He put his hand on his arm.

“You're not to worry about this. It's going to be fine, alright?”

He looked carefully at him, then moved his arm to put it around Seb.

“Now then, I'm just going to drop Andreas a text and it'll be fine.”

 

Mark pulled out his phone from his pocket and went to start a reply to Andreas' message. Seb watched him for a second before it clicked.

“You're telling him you're _not_ going?”

“It's fine.”

“No!”

Sebastian snatched the phone away from him and Mark was so surprised he simply stared at Seb.

“What are you doing?”

“No. No Mark you can't. You can't. Please Liebling, please.”

Mark was still trying to form a reply when Sebastian took several sharper breaths and burst into tears.

“Please Liebling, you have to go, you, you have to...”

Mark wanted to sink through the floor. He'd just succeeded in upsetting Seb yet again. He sent his arms around Sebastian to pull him in. Hushing him and trying to calm Seb.

 

“Shh now darling. Come on, don't get so upset. It's going to be okay.”

Seb pulled back to look at him.

“You're going to go?”

Mark felt like dropping his head onto the table. Seb was so infuriatingly stubborn and looking at his face now; so earnestly optimistic, tears clinging to those long lashes and those damn big blue eyes all damp and beseeching, Mark felt he was completely lost.

What the hell was he supposed to do?

Mark opened his mouth to speak and words failed him yet again.

“I...”

“You can't just stay home to watch me sleep,” insisted Sebastian.

“I'm meant to look after you.”

“I'm getting better. It's alright now I'm home.”

“I can't leave you.”

“My mum can look after me. She wants to come.”

“She can come, but I'm not going.”

 

Why wouldn't Mark listen to him? He was going to throw away everything he had worked for away and it would be all Seb's fault. Seb couldn't stand it.

“You have to Liebling.”

“I won't leave you.”

“I'll be alright. Just a few days and then you'd be back.”

“It's too soon sweetheart. Maybe if it was in a couple of weeks...”

“No Mark, please.”

He was crying again and Mark wanted to tell Seb to stop doing this to him. It was torture. Whatever he did and said seemed to hurt Seb. He couldn't win. Mark pulled the sleeve of his jumper down slightly and dabbed it under Sebastian's eyes to dry them.

“Don't get so worked up sweetheart. Come on, it'll make your head ache.”

Sebastian could have told Mark that his head already hurt more, but he didn't.

“Why don't we go through and sit in the lounge?”

“Okay.”

Seb looked at Mark's phone he had put back on the table.

“Are you going to call Andreas?”

“I'll send him a text.”

Mark didn't feel up to talking to anybody right now.

“And tell him you're going?”

“ _Seb.”_

“Mum will come here and you'll just be gone a few days. I'll be okay.”

Mark's mouth was in a tight line.

“I'll be alright with my mum won't I? She can look after me.”

“I'm not saying she couldn't. I'm just saying...”

“And I'm doing better, even Doc Phillips said so,” interrupted Sebastian. “Don't you think I'm doing better?”

“Of course you're doing better.”

Mark didn't want to say it, but he couldn't help himself.

“What if something happened when I was so far away?”

“What could happen? I'm okay aren't I?” asked Seb anxiously.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Now he'd gone and bloody scared him. Mark couldn't do that. He was screwing all this up so badly.

“Of course you're okay sweetheart, nothing's going to happen, there's nothing to worry about,” Mark reassured.

 

There was no other reply Mark could give. He felt a trap inexorably closing around him. All those missed calls from Andreas pressurising him despite the text saying he simply needed an answer. Seb telling him he ought to go and crying whenever Mark tried to reason with him. It was pressure. All of it. The team and Seb too. He didn't know how to say no and Mark felt so terrible he was sure he was getting a bad enough headache to require him borrowing some of Seb's painkillers.

 

Sebastian pushed the phone towards Mark.

“You can tell him you're going and I'll ring my mum and we can sort out when she needs to get here.”

“Seb I don't want to go,” Mark admitted bluntly.

Sebastian shrugged.

“It'll just be a few days. We'll get through it and then everything will be okay.

Mark couldn't fight it any more.

 

 

 

 

 

The next day Sebastian finalised his arrangements with his mother for coming over. At first he had spoken to her without highlighting the reason for asking was because Mark was going to the race and when Seb finally admitted it, Heike was so involved in the idea that she was getting to see her son and take care of him for a while that she didn't want to argue about the very strange fact that Mark would leave him.

Mark felt as though he spent half the day staring at the short text that he wished he hadn't sent his boss telling him he would be in Austin. He left Seb downstairs lying on the sofa watching an old film while the dogs sat on the couch with him. Neither Mark nor Seb had it in them to tell the dogs to get down. Mark repacked the case from Italy with the things he would need for a race weekend feeling sick to his stomach. When he went back downstairs he shooed the dogs onto the floor and stole their place by Sebastian.

 

“Did you take your painkillers?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked sleepy.

“Want to lie down?”

“Mm.”

Seb crawled down to lay his head on Mark's lap feeling groggy. Mark was stroking his hair and it felt so nice, making his headache go away. He smiled as Mark told the dogs off for trying to lick Seb's face while he was in range, thinking how glad he would be to have their company while Mark was gone. Sebastian moved his hand and gave each dog a little stroke then placed his hand on Mark's knee, his eyelids sinking as the pain in his head started to ease off. Sebastian relaxed as he lay there, thinking he might not be looking forward to him going away, but he had at least succeeded in doing one good thing to pay Mark back for everything he did for him.

Mark stroked Sebastian's hair long after Seb had fallen asleep. The dogs were looking up at him.

“ _I'm not leaving him,”_ Mark whispered to them.

He couldn't do that. There was just no way. He couldn't leave Seb like this.

The packed case upstairs said otherwise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning Sebastian's mother arrived in a taxi an hour before another was due to collect Mark to take him to the same airport she had just been through.

The minute Mark opened the door to let her in he saw the way Heike was looking at him and he felt more guilty than ever. He didn't need her to tell him he was a terrible person. Mark showed her through to Sebastian in the lounge and she sat down fussing over him while Seb assured her he was doing fine. Mark went through and made some tea.

“You're sure you're really okay now?” pressed Heike.

“Yes Mum. Much better. It's better being home.”

“Mm, I'm sure.”

“Mum I'm so sorry.”

Heike frowned.

“What have you got to be sorry about?”

“For making Mark bring me home when I wasn't ready.”

“Ah Seb.”

“You're not angry with him are you?”

“Seb, now don't.”

“Please Mum it was my fault. It was horrible for Mark. He was so worried.”

“Well I did think it was too soon.”

“I know. That's why I'm sorry.”

“Well let's not worry about that.”

“You don't blame Mark though?”

 

Heike paused, but she saw the anxious look in Sebastian's eyes.

“No I don't blame Mark. I have to be honest though sweetheart I don't understand why he's going now.”

“You mustn't make him feel guilty about it Mum. Promise me?”

Heike sighed.

“Sweetheart, I just don't get why he would leave you?”

“He's not leaving me,” stopped Sebastian, sounding hurt at the idea.

“No I don't mean that. I mean... Oh I don't know, I don't understand how he can go racing.”

“He has to go. Please don't make him feel bad about it.”

 

Heike huffed. It still seemed inexplicable why Mark who seemed inseparable from her son would abandon him so soon after bringing him home from the hospital.

“He doesn't want to go Mum, but he has to. Don't make him feel worse about it.”

“Well I don't want to do that.”

“I'll be alright with you won't I?”

“Of course you will chick, I'm your mother aren't I?”

“So it's okay and I really am feeling much better now I'm home.”

“Good.”

“He wouldn't go if you weren't here.”

“No of course not. I know that.”

Strange as it was that Mark was going away, Heike did appreciate that there was no chance Mark would have left her son uncared for.

By the time Mark came back through juggling three mugs of tea, Heike had softened her view of him. He sat in the side chair while Heike sat on the sofa with her son.

 

“How is everyone?” asked Mark.

“Oh well they're okay. The girls have gone back home and Fabian is in school.” She gave them a smile. “He wasn't too keen on that, but he's missed enough already. He wanted to come with me.”

Mark nodded, not in the least surprised to hear it.

“At least now I can tell them that you are doing much better,” continued Heike, trying to make sure she encouraged Sebastian.

“I am. Mum I'm sorry we didn't tell you everything right away when we were in hospital about me fainting and everything,” admitted Seb. “I didn't want to worry you.”

Heike shook her head. She didn't want to get into another argument. What was done was done. All she cared about was that Seb was okay.

“It doesn't matter. Just so long as you're alright now.”

“I am, aren't I Mark?”

Mark didn't want to say anything to the contrary, but a horribly messed up part of him wanted to be able to say that Seb wasn't okay and therefore he had to stay home with him. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't wish Sebastian was iller than he was. That was a terrible idea. He couldn't tell Sebastian that he was still worried about him now as that would upset him and he was meant to be encouraging Seb to feel better.

“Course you are.”

“Dr. Phillips calls in to check on me and he said I'm recovering much faster than they'd expect.”

“Does he?”

“Yes. And I've been taking walks out with the dogs.”

“Have you?”

Sebastian still looked pale to her, but if the doctor said he was doing well that had to be true. Heike supposed it was all relative.

“Just little strolls down the lane, that's all,” explained Mark. “Pauline is coming each day to take them for a proper walk so you don't need to worry about that.”

“Oh okay.”

 

They made polite conversation for a while. All three mostly ignoring the fact that Mark was due to leave imminently. Eventually Mark gathered up the empty mugs to take them through to the kitchen.

As he finished rinsing them out he turned around to see Heike.

“I thought you could show me where things are in here,” she suggested.

“Oh right, um yeah course.”

Mark showed her where everything was and explained that they had done an online shop yesterday so they had food in, but if they got short of milk or anything then Pauline would always pick them some up.

“She sounds very kind, your housekeeper.”

“She is. Pauline's incredible. She keeps this place going,” praised Mark.

“Mm, so Fabian told me. Well that's good. I'm sure we'll be fine Mark.”

Mark nodded. He wanted to say something to Heike to excuse why he was going but he couldn't find the right words. He wanted to ask her to say she would take good care of Seb for him, but that was ridiculous. She was Seb's mother, of course she would take care of him.

“You're alright aren't you Mark?” checked Heike.

He still seemed very tired to her. In fact now that she looked at him properly instead of concentrating on Seb, Heike wasn't sure that Mark ought to be going off racing at all, even putting aside the fact that he was leaving Sebastian behind.

Mark nodded even though it was far from true. A nod didn't feel quite so bad as an uttered lie, but it was just as false. He couldn't tell her how terrible he felt and how trapped he was between his team pulling and Seb pushing him, both forcing him away from where he ought to be right here at home.

 

“Right, well he asked for some water, I think for when he takes his painkillers later.”

Mark filled a glass and handed it to her.

“That's Dr. Phillips' card on the fridge if you need to ring him.”

“I'm sure we'll be fine.”

“Yeah. Course. I umm, I need to bring my things down. I'll be through in a minute.”

 

Heike nodded and took the glass of water back through to Sebastian in the lounge. A few moments later the dogs came through to investigate where Mark had got to. He ducked down to give them a stroke and let them nuzzle into his face.

“You will take care of him for me won't you boys?”

Shadow and Simba looked back at him and Mark brushed away a tear, swallowing hard to stop himself completely losing it. He gave them another little rub and then forced himself to stand to go upstairs and collect his bags as Mark had said he was going to.

 

 

It seemed as though it was only minutes later that the taxi was pulling onto the driveway and Mark was letting the driver take his bags to pile in the boot while he checked his passport and flight details. It felt as though he was on an unstoppable conveyor belt dragging him away.

The three of them stood in the doorway, the dogs at their feet and Mark felt helpless. He hid the turmoil inside him and tried to give Sebastian a smile. Sebastian smiled back, determined not to let him see how much he wished Mark could stay. Seb knew he had to be brave for Mark's sake.

“You'll be alright won't you?”

“I'll be fine. Mum'll look after me.”

“Course I will,” added Heike.

Mark nodded and gave Seb a hug, then Heike.

“He'll be fine with me,” she assured.

“Yeah.”

“You take care of yourself too,” Heike instructed Mark.

Mark nodded, then gave the dogs a pet before hugging Sebastian again, desperately wishing he didn't have to let go of him. He let go, then moved back in to give Seb a kiss on the lips, not caring that his mother was stood right there next to him.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“It's just a few days. I'll be back before you know it.”

“I know. I'll just rest and I'll see you soon.”

“Very soon.”

Seb knew he wasn't meant to say it, but he couldn't help himself.

“Drive safe.”

Mark's face went tighter and he could only nod before giving Sebastian a last kiss on the forehead, then he turned away and walked to the taxi on legs he didn't know how he was making operate.

The dogs tried to come out to follow him. Heike shooed them back, but they ignored her, running onto the drive barking at Mark. He stopped as he was climbing into the car as they reached him and looked at the dogs very firmly, dipping his head lower from where he was sat to get into their eye-line and spoke so only they could hear him.

“You know what I told you. You have to take care of Seb, okay boys? Go to Seb now. Look after him for me.”

Shadow and Simba gave him one more look, then turned tail and raced back to the house to crowd around Sebastian in the doorway.

“ _Good boys_ ,” whispered Mark to himself.

He forced something approximating a smile onto his face and gave them another wave, then swung his long legs into the car and shut the door. Heike's hand was protectively resting on Sebastian's shoulder. She would look after him. It was just a few days. Seb would be okay.

The car pulled away from the driveway and set off down the lane towards Heathrow. Mark stared hard out of the window at the hedgerows rushing past, trying not to cry.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear. Don't hate me...


	84. Hanging On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so how will they cope now that that Mark is being forced to leave Seb?

* * *

 

 

The moment Mark's taxi had pulled away and they had turned back into the house, Heike shutting the door behind them, Sebastian felt horribly bereft and abandoned. He knew it was ridiculous seeing as he was the one who had told Mark to go and it wasn't as if he was alone seeing as his mum and the dogs were there, but Seb felt it nonetheless. He tried not to let his mother see how he was feeling and distracted himself by taking the dogs into the kitchen and fussing over them for a while.

Heike had followed him through and put the kettle on, watching her son kneeling down with the dogs thinking how attached to them he seemed to be. The way Seb spoke about them on the phone all the time you'd think they were more like his and Mark's children than pets. Even now Seb was talking to the animals as if he expected them to answer back and Heike hoped that was something he normally did and not some strange side-effect of the concussion.

“Do you want another cup of tea?” she asked.

“Hm? Oh, no thanks. I'll just feed the boys and come through. Dr. Phillips will be here in a bit.”

Heike nodded, made her drink and left him to it as she went back through into the lounge.

 

Seb doled out a bit of extra food into the dog bowls even though they didn't really need anything, thinking how Mark would tell him off for spoiling them.

“He'd say you're going to get fat,” commented Sebastian out-loud as the dogs ate a little of the fresh food.

Simba lifted his nose to press into Seb as he stayed down on the floor with them and Sebastian looked at him as he gave his ear a stroke.

“You mustn't be upset. He had to go away. Just for a few days and then he'll be back again,” Sebastian reassured, mostly to himself.

Simba nuzzled into his face and Seb continued to allow it as he stroked him, taking comfort from the animals' show of affection as Shadow joined in to paw his leg.

“He hasn't left us. He had to go. I had to make him go. I had to. We'll be alright.”

Sebastian sniffled a bit and brushed at face feeling pathetic. He hoped his mother had shut the lounge door and couldn't hear him.

“That's my mum who's here now. You'll be good for her won't you? I think she's a bit cross with Mark, but that's only because she doesn't understand.”

Seb knew his mother could never appreciate the pressures that were on them as racing drivers, nor the expectations of teams for you to always perform no matter how you felt inside. Poor Mark was going to have a tough time this weekend. Seb knew that, but it was for the best in the long-run. He couldn't go on selfishly taking from Mark all the time. It was a small sacrifice; just a few days of being unhappy while they were apart and then they would be back together again and it would all be okay. He just had to tough it out and not sit here crying like a child. Seb knew he had to be strong even if it seemed impossible. He owed Mark that.

He gave the dogs a last hug then forced himself stand up and got some water to take through to the lounge to await the doctor's arrival.

 

 

 

Sebastian sat doing his best to reassure Dr. Phillips that he was continuing to do well, but he spent a lot of his visit paying more attention to the dogs while his mother spoke with the doctor asking him questions as he tried to settle her concerns. Dr. Phillips was very surprised to hear that Mark had gone off to race. If he had known about it beforehand he thought he would have advised against it, not only for Sebastian's sake but for Mark's seeing as he was only too aware how much stress Mark had been under and how exhausted he was. Yet again drivers were proving themselves committed to their racing to a point beyond which was sensible, but it was too late now so he made no comment on it, knowing it would only upset them and it wasn't his job to criticise Mark, nor was he his patient. Instead Dr. Phillips focussed on the one who actually was; continuing to encourage Sebastian and make sure he was alright.

“Well I'll leave you to rest. I'm going to be away for a few days of course after today.”

Sebastian looked up from petting Shadow who was sat up on the sofa with him now.

“Hm?”

Dr. Phillips suddenly felt awkward mentioning it as he saw his blank face and realised that Sebastian hadn't remembered that there was an F1 race weekend coming up.

“I'll be in Singapore.”

Only then did it strike Seb.

“The race.”

“Yes.”

There was an F1 race this weekend and he wasn't going to be there. It was the first race Seb would have missed in so long he couldn't even remember, years, many years, he couldn't count how many. He had been so focussed on Mark's race coming up this weekend neither one of them had given a thought to the fact that there had originally been one scheduled for Sebastian too. Seb knew of course there was no way he would have been going now, but it still came as something of a shock.

Dr. Phillips read his silence and leaned in a little to look at him trying to see how it was affecting Seb.

“I'm sure it must be strange to not be going.”

“Mm.”

“Did Christian speak to you about it?”

“Hm? No.”

Sebastian pulled himself together.

“It's okay. I know it's going to be a while before I'm back. He just texted checking I was okay when I came home. It's fine.”

“So you'll be there, at the race?” asked Sebastian.

“Yes,” confirmed Dr. Phillips, not wanting to point out that it was essentially his job description.

“I'm sure they'll miss you,” added Dr. Phillips.

Sebastian had to stop himself nodding. He didn't want to admit to himself that talking about this hurt as much as it did. He'd known he was going to be missing races, but being confronted with the reality of it was strangely disconcerting.

“Say hi to all the guys for me won't you?” managed Sebastian.

“Of course. I know they're all thinking of you.”

“Yeah.”

 

Seb had any number of kind messages on his phone since his accident, from Adrian and Rocky, his engineers and Dan. None of them mentioned anything about the future other than that they hoped he would feel better soon. There was a big card propped up on the fireplace signed by almost everyone at the factory from Christian to the cleaning ladies. When it had arrived Sebastian had looked at it and tried not to focus on the fact that he didn't recognise many of the signatures or let himself worry about whether he ought to know all their names and what they did. He glanced at the jokey picture on the front of the card a few feet away thinking it looked more like a birthday card, but it had been a nice gesture. Seb wondered if this weekend was going to be hard for his team. Would they really miss him? Would the mechanics be feeling guilty that something had gone wrong on the car to cause the accident? Maybe he should send them a message?

Sebastian looked back to Dr. Phillips and considered asking who RedBull had put in his seat to cover his absence. He couldn't imagine Helmut leaving it unfilled and losing all those potential points. Dr. Marko was far too coldly pragmatic to do something as sentimental as leaving Sebastian's side of the garage empty in his honour.

Seb knew he it did no good to think about it. He understood why Christian hadn't spoken to him. He wasn't ready to confront all that yet.

He fixed on a smile and pretended that he didn't feel like crying. Seb knew he wasn't coping and he couldn't let himself think about what he knew he really needed to make himself feel better. He couldn't have that. He'd sent Mark away.

 

“I suppose I'd better get going,” finished Dr. Phillips, seeing Sebastian didn't want to discuss such a sensitive topic.

“Hm? Oh sure.”

“Very good then. Mrs Vettel, it was nice to see you again.”

Dr. Phillips stood up and Heike walked with him to show him out.

“Heike, please,” she reminded.

“Of course. Yes well I've no doubt Seb will be alright with you looking after him, but if you've any worries perhaps I should give you my number?”

“Mark left it for me.”

“Ah. Okay, that's fine then, well if you need me just give me a ring. I may be away, but you can still speak to me. We'll be running on European time.”

“I see. Well thank you.”

He stuck out his hand and she shook it before letting him out and returning to Seb in the lounge.

 

“Well dear, he seemed very pleased with you.”

“Mm,” allowed Sebastian distractedly.

“What would you like to do? Shall we take the dogs out, or do you want anything to eat?”

“Hm? Oh, no I'm just going to take my painkillers and go and have a lie down.”

“Oh.”

Heike frowned, wondering why Sebastian hadn't said anything to his doctor about feeling ill.

“Are you alright?” she checked.

“I just need to lie down for a bit.”

“Do you need me to do anything?”

“No. You'll be alright won't you?”

“Well yes, but are you okay?”

“They just make me tired Mum. It's okay. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”

“Mark showed me where everything is. Yes, well alright dear.”

 

Sebastian got up and left her to it, the dogs trailing behind him. Heike sat alone on the sofa feeling very confused as to what was going on. Seb wasn't himself, but then perhaps that was only to be expected. There was nothing to be done but let him rest. Heike took the empty mugs to rinse out in the kitchen and stood there feeling at a loss as to what she was supposed to do with herself.

 

 

 

 

Seb got to the bedroom and shut the door behind him. He sat down on the bed before pulling out his mobile phone from his pocket and staring at it. He had been hoping that there might be a message waiting by now but there was nothing. Quite what he was expecting, Seb didn't know. It was only an hour since Mark had left. He waited a moment, considering whether there was anything he could say that wasn't going to give Mark the wrong message. On coming up with nothing else Sebastian sent the only text he could think of.

SEB: Are you at the airport yet?

He waited a moment for a reply and tried to persuade himself not to be disappointed when none arrived. Mark must be busy with something, or maybe there was poor reception. He wouldn't just be ignoring him.

Sebastian picked up the bottle of painkillers and took his dose before crawling under the duvet fully dressed. He wasn't going to cry. That would be pathetic. Childish and pathetic.

He shifted over on to Mark's side of the bed and breathed in the smell of him that still lingered from this morning. Sebastian felt a lump land on his legs and sat up slightly to see one then the other dog had jumped up onto the bed.

“Naughty boys. You know you're not allowed on here,” chided Sebastian.

He sat forwards slightly and gave them a stroke as they settled in as a not uncomfortable weight on his lower body.

“Hmm, okay but we can't tell Mark.”

 

Seb lay back down on the bed and pulled the duvet around him, already starting to feel slightly more tired. He wondered if it was psychosomatic and he felt the tiredness because he expected to or even wanted to right now. He tried not to stare at his phone which sat on the pillow, but the moment it buzzed he was already grabbing it closer and sliding his finger across the screen to see what it was, praying it wasn't someone other than Mark getting in touch.

MARK: Yeah, just checked in, waiting now. Are you ok?

Sebastian bit his lip and took a deep inhale of Mark from the duvet. He'd been checking in, that was why he hadn't answered right away. Seb tried not to focus on the reminder that Mark was moving further and further away from him. He had to be strong and not make Mark feel bad about going.

SEB: I'm ok. Taken my painkillers & just gonna sleep.

He waited painful minutes watching the screen constantly for a reply until his phone buzzed.

MARK: Rest then sweetheart. I love you.

Sebastian took a sharp breath in. How could such nice message hurt so much to read? This was incredibly hard. He missed Mark so badly already and he had only just gone. Seb hardly knew how he was going to survive until Mark got back, but he just had to somehow. He lifted his hand to compose a reply.

SEB: Love you too.

Sebastian watched his phone waiting for another text that didn't come. Minute after minute he stared at the phone in his hand. He couldn't remember what time Mark's flight was due to take off. It must be soon as he knew Mark had said he was cutting it fine leaving as late as possible before leaving. Seb knew it was weak, and he didn't want Mark to worry about him, but he couldn't help sending another message.

SEB: Have a safe flight. Will you call me when you get to the hotel?

Nothing came back. Maybe Mark was onboard the plane already and he'd had to switch off his phone? Sebastian was about to give up when he jumped at the phone buzzing again.

MARK: Of course I will. Boarding now. Sleep sweetheart, then I'll be there and I'll call.

Sebastian sniffed, feeling more pathetic than ever. He couldn't think of anything to say back.

SEB: Ok.

 

He watched the phone again, but there was no reply now. Seb knew that had been a rubbish message to send, but he hadn't known what else to say other than 'I miss you already'. He couldn't say that or it would make Mark feel guilty. Mark must be on the plane now and he wouldn't be able to reply anyway. Sebastian pulled the duvet up over his head, buried his face in Mark's pillow and cried himself to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark stood in the queue waiting to check in at Heathrow, going over the flight details once more; It was roughly a ten hour flight but there was the time-difference to factor in, so assuming they left on time at midday he ought to be in Austin by about four pm and be at the hotel by five o'clock or thereabouts, then he could call Sebastian. Mark wanted to call him now, but if he did that then he wasn't sure he would have the strength to leave at all.

He waited in line a little longer wondering if he ought to at least send Seb a text, but at loss as to what he could say. Mark pulled out his phone and stared at it trying to think of something, but then the queue moved up and he didn't have enough hands so he shoved it back in his pocket. Just as he reached the desk he felt it buzz and Mark was sure that it must be Sebastian. He put his things down on the desk and retrieved the phone in case Seb was calling, but it was just a text coming through.

“Sir, I need you to confirm that you packed this bag yourself,” repeated the woman.

Mark looked up at the desk assistant.

“Sorry, yes.”

He pushed the phone away again and returned his attention to checking in, then gathered up his things and fitted them away in his flight bag and sorted out getting through security into the departures lounge, looking at the screens to make sure that his flight wasn't being called yet before Mark finally allowed himself to look at his phone and look at the text.

 

It was Seb, of course it was, Mark had known it would be. He found a seat, put his bag down at his feet and opened the message.

SEB: Are you at the airport yet?

MARK: Yeah, just checked in, waiting now. Are you ok?

Mark wasn't sure whether he ought to have asked that question and what he wanted the reply to be. Of course he should want the reply to be that Seb was fine. He did want Seb to be alright, but a terrible guilty part of him wanted Sebastian to reply that he wasn't alright and he needed Mark to go back home. What was wrong with him that he could want the person he cared about to say such a thing? Mark hated himself as he sat watching the screen waiting for Seb's reply. It seemed to take a long time, but eventually the phone buzzed in his hand.

SEB: I'm ok. Taken my painkillers & just gonna sleep.

Mark nodded stupidly at the screen not considering whether anyone was looking at him. He knew Sebastian was contradicting himself; if he was really okay he wouldn't need to take his painkillers, but at least he was managing. Mark knew that Sebastian was trying to make sure he didn't worry about him. He knew that he should be home with him. He should be watching over Seb while he slept and making sure that he really was alright. Mark took a deep breath and stared at the floor. He should just turn around and go home, but he'd checked in his bag and the team were expecting him. Mark couldn't just walk out of here.

He looked back at his phone, reopened the message and replied.

MARK: Rest then sweetheart. I love you.

Moments later the reply popped up.

SEB: Love you too.

 

Mark swallowed hard at reading Sebastian's text then grabbed up his bag, headed into the nearest toilets and locked himself into a cubicle. He leaned back against the door and wanted to bang his head against it. How had he got himself in this god-awful mess? How had he let himself be talked into leaving Seb like this? Mark re-read their exchange of text messages and tried not to cry, failing badly. He wiped at his eyes with his sleeve and felt like some tragic kid hiding in the loos at school.

How had he got into this state? So incapable of making the right decisions that he had let himself be swept along into doing this and abandoning Sebastian when he needed him. Mark felt physically ill.

Mark was just wondering if he could manage to pull himself together enough to at least ring Seb and make sure he really was okay when the tannoy came on announcing his flight was boarding. He took a deep breath and then stepped out, grateful that there was no one else in the bathroom while he splashed his face with water and dried it with a paper towel, checking in the mirror to make sure he didn't look quite as bad as he felt. Mark took another steadying breath and walked back out to look up at the information screens before heading to his gate.

He stood in line again feeling like a zombie, shuffling up closer to wait to show his ticket and passport making the minimum of eye-contact with anyone. Just as he walked into the passageway towards the plane his phone buzzed again and Mark pulled it out to see.

SEB: Have a safe flight. Will you call me when you get to the hotel?

Mark had no idea how it was his feet were still taking him in the wrong direction, but he was still walking towards the plane door as he typed.

MARK: Of course I will. Boarding now. Sleep sweetheart, then I'll be there and I'll call.

He stowed his flight-bag away and took his seat as everyone around him sorted themselves out, chatting happily while the flight attendants made sure that everyone was settled. Mark was still looking at his phone though he had no idea what he was hoping to see. His screen lit up as it received a new message.

SEB: Ok.

Mark huffed a noise that might have been mistaken for a laugh, but he felt like crying worse than before. It was such a tragically _small_ message.

“Sir, I'm afraid all cell phones have to be switched off now,” instructed the stewardess by his elbow looking pointedly at the phone in his hand.

Mark nodded. He didn't know what he could have said back anyway. Maybe there was nothing to say. As soon as he could Mark plugged in his earphones to shut everything out and closed his eyes. He wanted to sleep for the entire flight, but Mark remained stubbornly awake for the next ten hours, hating himself and the entire world through every minute of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heike tapped lightly on the bedroom door then opened it. Her son was fast asleep with the duvet almost pulled up half covering his face. The dogs lay across the bottom of the bed and she was surprised to see that they were allowed to do that. Heike walked around to look at Sebastian. She dipped down by him and stroked his hair away from his forehead trying to see that he was alright. She was about to stand up and walk away when Seb stirred.

“Mark?”

“No sweetheart, it's Mum.”

“Hmm?”

Heike sighed to see how confused he looked and moved to make sure she was in Sebastian's eye-line.

“It's Mum. I was going to make something to eat. Are you hungry?”

Sebastian raised a hand and rubbed at his face.

“What time is it?”

Heike checked her watch.

“Two o'clock. You've not had any lunch pet, why don't you have a little something?”

“I'm not hungry.”

“I could just bring something up?”

“No that's okay.”

“Are you still not feeling well chick?”

“I just want to sleep.”

Heike nodded and leaned in to kiss his forehead. Her poor little boy. He didn't seem right at all. Sebastian hadn't even sat up to talk to her.

“Do you want some more of your painkillers?”

“It's not time.”

“Oh, okay. Can I do anything?”

“No I just want to sleep.”

“Okay,” relented Heike.

She gave his hair one more stroke then got up and left Seb to sleep in peace. Maybe he would be more talkative later?

Sebastian heard the door shut and pulled the duvet back up over his head and hid away. The dogs nuzzled at his body and rearranged themselves either side of him. He was tempted to sit up and give them a pet for a little while but Sebastian didn't want to move, he didn't want to do anything other than go back to sleep and wake up in five days time when Mark was home.

 

 

 

 

 

A little after six o'clock Heike finally went back upstairs to check on Seb. She had expected him to emerge at some point but she'd not heard a peep out of him all afternoon. She knocked on the door and went in again to find Sebastian still asleep. Heike wondered if that was normal. Did sleeping for so many hours simply count as the rest the doctors spoke of? Maybe Sebastian had simply had too eventful a morning with her arriving, Mark going, and Dr. Phillips calling in? Perhaps that was too much for him? She wasn't sure whether or not to wake Seb, but the dogs did the job for her when they sat up and sniffed at her as she approached the bed again.

Sebastian sat up a little blearily, looking at his surroundings and who was there. It took a moment or two for it to sink in; He was home, his mum was there, but Mark had gone. The knowledge sat like a stone in his stomach.

“How are you feeling?” Heike asked.

Seb sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Heike sat down beside him and passed him his water to drink.

“You've been asleep a long time Seb. I was starting to get worried about you.”

“Hm? Oh.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I umm, I don't know,” replied Sebastian dully.

His mother gave him a smile and a rub on the arm thinking he still didn't seem very with it.

“I made some dinner. Are you hungry now?”

“A bit I suppose.”

Heike nodded.

“Good. Now shall I bring it up or do you want to come down for a bit?”

“I... Um, yeah I guess I'll come downstairs,” Seb agreed.

“Right then.”

Heike shooed the dogs onto the floor and pulled the duvet back to encourage Sebastian to get up.

“Do you need some help?”

Sebastian gave his mother a look.

“I'm not that bad Mum. I'm just going to use the bathroom. I'll be down in a minute.”

“Okay.”

Heike left and Sebastian climbed out of bed, telling the dogs to go on ahead to the kitchen.

 

 

Heike tried to make conversation over dinner but Sebastian was still quiet.

“How's your head now sweetheart, does it still hurt?”

Seb thought for a moment before answering. It wasn't anything too intense, but his head felt heavy.

“It's not great,” he admitted.

Heike frowned. She'd known he still wasn't right.

“Did you take your medication?”

“I umm, yeah, before.”

“When?”

“Before I went to sleep.”

“That's a long time ago. How often are you allowed to take them? Is it the same as the ones before?”

Sebastian looked at the clock on the microwave; it was nearly half past six. This afternoon had simply disappeared.

“Oh, yeah every four hours.”

“So you've not had any since this morning?” checked his mother.

“No.”

“Do you want me to get them for you?”

“I... um yeah okay thanks, they're by my bed.”

“Right. Try and eat a little more of that Seb, it'll do you good.”

 

Heike left the table and went upstairs. Seb gave the dogs by his feet a stroke and fed them some scraps from his plate while his mother wasn't watching. His phone buzzed in his pocket and Seb pulled it out, hoping for a moment that it might be Mark, but it wasn't, it was Christian. As Sebastian looked he saw there was a missed call from him too that he had entirely slept through this afternoon. Seb knew it was silly to have hoped that it was Mark seeing as he knew Mark was currently somewhere over the Atlantic, but he was disappointed nonetheless. He read his boss's message.

CHRISTIAN: Hi Seb, tried ringing, guess yr asleep. Apologies for not mentioning this earlier, but just to let you know that for the timebeing we'll just juggle the juniors around to cover you at races. They'll only be keeping yr seat warm so dont worry about it. If you want a chat do call me, if not I hope yr getting lots of rest & we'll speak soon. C.

Seb puffed a breath. Dr. Phillips had clearly had a word with Christian. He knew it was ridiculous to think that the entire F1 circus could grind to a halt without him, but it still felt wrong that it merely carried on regardless of what had happened. Sebastian knew that was a self-centred attitude, but he couldn't help it. He tried to think of a message to send in reply.

SEB: I understand. Painkillers make me sleep lots, sorry. Good luck for the weekend & please pass my best wishes to everyone.

 

His mother came back in and Seb tried to push everything F1 related out of his mind, thinking it had been simpler when he had actually forgotten about all that.

 

“There you go dear.”

Sebastian took his medication then poked the remains of his meal around his plate until Heike gave up.

“Do you want anything else?” she asked.

Seb was just about to shake his head when he stopped himself.

“No. Sorry Mum I'm not very hungry,” Seb apologised.

“Alright. Why don't you go through into the lounge and I'll make us a cup of tea.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian did as instructed and led the dogs through to go and sit in the lounge, waiting until his mother joined him and passed him his tea to sip. It didn't taste quite the same as when Mark made it and somehow that fact made Seb feel oddly unsettled and upset. He knew it was stupid to be bothered by such a tiny thing, but Sebastian knew that it wasn't really about the tea. It was about the fact that Mark wasn't here to make it for him.

“Are the painkillers helping?” tried Heike.

Sebastian shrugged and his mother put down her tea to look at him.

“It's okay, they just take a while to start to work,” Seb excused.

“Oh, okay.”

She gave his arm a pat and looked at him sympathetically, wishing that there was more she could do. Sebastian was still far too quiet for her liking and was paying more attention to the dogs that were pressed into his legs than her. She left it a while longer before checking on him again.

 

“Are you feeling any better yet?”

Seb merely gave another small shrug and Heike knew that meant no. She took his half drunk tea from Sebastian's hand and put it down on the coffee table before pulling him into a hug. Seb settled his head down on his mother's shoulder and closed his eyes.

“There there, pet, you'll feel better soon,” Heike reassured him.

Sebastian tried hard not to, but he couldn't stop sniffling. Heike sighed as she realised Seb was crying and sat up a little more to look at him.

“Oh Seb, sweetheart is it that bad?”

Sebastian shrugged again and his mother shook her head at how uncommunicative he could be.

“Is it too much?” she tried.

“I just...”

Seb swallowed, trying to stop himself crying, but he felt horribly weak and vulnerable. He wanted his mother to hold on to him and at the same time he didn't want it to be her that was comforting him.

“What?”

“I just, I just, I just want Mark,” he sobbed, unable to stop himself.

“Ah Seb,” sighed Heike.

“I'm sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

 

Sebastian was taking sharper breaths as he cried and Heike gave up asking questions and pulled her son back in to hug him for longer, rubbing his arm and holding onto him until she managed to get him to slowed down enough to speak.

“I'm sorry,” Seb repeated.

“Why chick?”

“It's my fault.”

“What's your fault?”

Sebastian was still crying and his bottom lip stuck out like it used to when he got upset when he was little. Seb seemed so very young and Heike couldn't work out if it was the medication or the concussion making him this way.

“It's, it's my fault Mark's not here. He didn't, didn't want to go,” he shuddered.

“Seb _calm down._ Take a deep breath and calm down sweetheart,” insisted his mother firmly.

Sebastian took another couple of shaky breaths then did as instructed. His mother picked up his tea and gave it to him to sip for a moment before seeing that he was doing better and trying again.

“Now then, what do you mean it's your fault?”

Sebastian looked at the floor.

“He didn't want to go to the race, but I made him.”

“Why?”

“Because he has to.”

“But why would Mark leave you when you're like this?”

Sebastian scrunched up his face unhappily.

“He hasn't left me,” he protested miserably.

 

Heike rubbed his arm to comfort him. Sebastian was so sensitive right now. It was as though his skin was too thin and any little barb could hurt him.

“No darling I don't mean he left you, of course not. I just mean I don't understand why Mark went away.”

“He loves me, he wouldn't leave me,” repeated Seb anxiously.

“I know. Of course he loves you sweetheart, but why did he have to go to the race?” pressed Heike.

“I had to make him go.”

“But why?”

“Because, because I love him.”

Heike shook her head. Seb was still didn't seem to be telling her anything.

“Well then why has Mark gone when you're not well sweetheart? I don't understand.”

“Because he _had_ to,” insisted Sebastian wretchedly.

“Seb you're not making any sense. You're just working yourself up into a state.”

 

Heike wondered if the drugs he had taken were muddling her son's head more than it already was from his injury. Perhaps she just ought to take him up to bed? She dug out a tissue and tried to dry Sebastian's eyes, giving him a moment to see if he could carry on.

“Now then chick, settle yourself down and tell me what's going on. Why would you make Mark go to the race if he didn't want to?”

“Because he does so much for me.”

“Well isn't he meant to?”

“But I don't do enough for him in return. I try, but I just make things more difficult for him,” explained Sebastian.

“What do you mean?”

Heike couldn't imagine how her son could make things difficult for Mark when they clearly meant so much to one another.

Sebastian tried to think how to explain things to his mother. It didn't help that it was all still very confused in his head and he wasn't sure that he could remember everything about it, but the essence of it all was there and he knew he was right to have pushed Mark or he would have told him he was mistaken.

“The team, they... It's me, they don't like me,” he admitted.

“The team? You mean Mark's team?”

“Not the team, not the people there, but Porsche.”

“I still don't understand.”

Sebastian started crying again, half at the idea itself and half at the fact he was having to confess this to his mother.

 

“Oh Seb _don't._ How could they not like you?”

Heike knew she was biased, but she always thought her son was very personable. He was normally so chatty and friendly and made such an effort with people. How could they not like him? She had never understood how it was that anyone could dislike Seb. When the crowds had started booing him a few years ago it had upset her so much when Heike was certain they wouldn't be doing it if only they knew Seb properly.

“I'm too high-profile and they don't like it, they don't like that Mark is in the spotlight because of me and they'll hate this, they'll hate that I'll have been in the papers and Mark will have been too because he's with me.”

“Seb that's not your fault dear. How can they blame you for the accident? That makes no sense.”

“It's the publicity. They don't like the publicity.”

“Porsche?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian couldn't come up with the specifics to explain it, but it floated around in his head; The media never leaving him alone and Mark suffering as a consequence.

“You mean about you being together?”

“Yeah.”

“And it makes things hard for Mark?”

“Yeah. He tries so hard all the time. He keeps trying to do all the right things and it's never enough to please them. He won Le Mans but they didn't even want me there.”

“They didn't want you at Le Mans?”

Seb nodded, forgetting in his distress that he wasn't meant to and it made his head hurt even worse. He scrunched up his face in pain, trying to push it away. His mother watched him, thinking only that Sebastian was getting more upset.

 

“Oh darling, how horrible.”

Everything swirled in his head for a moment and Sebastian took slower breaths just like he knew Mark would tell him to, trying to help himself feel a little better. He closed his eyes for a moment trying harder to recall what had happened, before opening them and trying to explain it to his mother.

“They told Mark. They didn't really want me there in case it was shown on TV.”

“In case what was shown? Just that you were there?”

“I don't know. Yeah maybe, more that... like if we did anything.”

“Did what?”

“You know Mum, like if I kissed him or something, or just anything between us and we had to be so careful. Then I gave him a hug when he won and it was all over the front pages again.”

Heike huffed angrily. How could they blame them for hugging? What could be more natural? That was the media's fault for making it a big deal, not Seb and Mark.

“But I thought the teams had agreed to back you both about going public?”

“They did, but then when it happened they freaked out about how big it went.”

“Ah Seb, that's not your fault,” protested Heike.

“And Mark keeps working, trying to make it up to them, but it's never enough. The last race all the board were there and his boss, he's nice, but he made Mark so worried about it and then his car went out of the race and Mark was really upset, he'd done great and it wasn't his fault, but he'd wanted to impress them with a good result,” Seb ran on, the words tumbling from his mouth.

“He was disappointed?”

“He was disappointed anyway, but he wanted to go well in front of the board to try to show them he was worth all the trouble.”

“All the trouble?”

“Me. I'm the trouble. I'm the trouble they don't want. I bring too much publicity and complications and, and...”

“Oh sweetheart, no. Mark doesn't blame you for that?”

“No of course not. Mark would never blame me. He hates it. He gets so upset. He tries not to, I know he tries to protect me from it so I don't worry, but I can tell. I've tried to say I'll stay away but he doesn't want that either and it's so unfair Mum, he just wants to race and be treated like everyone else.”

“Well of course he does. Why shouldn't he have you there for him?”

“I just want to support him like he supports me.”

“Of course you do. Your team, RedBull, they've not been like this have they?”

 

From all Heike had experienced, her son's team had been nothing but welcoming, but she didn't know what Seb had been keeping from her.

“No, they're okay. I mean I don't think Helmut likes it much but he doesn't say anything.”

“So it's just Porsche?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian stared at the floor, hating that he'd had to tell his mother this. He started crying again, feeling ashamed that people could think him such an embarrassment and wishing that he wasn't the cause of all these problems for Mark.

“And that's why he had to go to the race?”

“Yeah, because it would be another strike against him, if he didn't even go to a race, just because of me.”

Heike sighed and shook her head again.

“But wouldn't they understand? I mean even if they have a problem with your relationship and didn't like that you've been in the news, surely they would understand that Mark should be home taking care of you?”

Seb wiped at his face with his sleeve.

“The team would and his boss I think, but not the ones above him. They'd just use it against Mark, it'd be another reason not to keep him.”

“But they couldn't sack him? Not for staying home to look after you. Is that what Mark thinks?”

“No but they might not renew his contract. They'd say it's for another reason, but...”

“You think they would really do that? It seems very heartless darling. Surely it can't be that bad?”

“Not on it's own, but on top of everything else.”

“And that's what Mark thinks too?”

Sebastian looked at his mother.

“He wouldn't say even if he thought it.”

“What do you mean?”

“He wouldn't want to hurt me. He'd never say. That's why I had to make him go. He'd give everything up, he'd throw away his whole career just for me.”

“Because he loves you.”

“Yeah. That's why I couldn't give him any choice. I had to make him go.”

“Because you love him,” completed his mother, finally comprehending what her son had said to begin with.

 

She sighed and hugged Sebastian again. Her poor boy getting himself distraught over this when he was already ill and making himself even more upset and unhappy by encouraging the one person who ought to be here with him to leave. Poor Mark too, how forced he must have felt to go away to race when he wanted to stay with Seb. No wonder he had looked so miserable this morning. How dreadful that his team could treat him this way. It was clearly discrimination, but Heike couldn't imagine Mark wanting to complain or bring any kind of case against them. What a horrible situation for them to have been put in.

“Oh sweetheart, no wonder you're so upset.”

“I didn't want to tell you.”

“Why?”

Heike couldn't understand why her son constantly seemed to feel the need to keep things from them.

“Because I didn't want you to blame Mark.”

“I see. Ah I wish you'd tell us more Seb. We only want to help.”

“I didn't think you'd understand.”

Heike sighed.

“Well I don't understand how people can behave that way, but I can see how things have been very hard for you.”

“For Mark too. He does love me Mum, he'd do anything for me. I know he didn't want to go.”

“No alright, now calm yourself down or you'll make yourself even more ill.”

Sebastian tried to settle himself, finding it harder without Mark helping as he usually did.

“He really wouldn't have gone if I didn't make him Mum. He always does everything for me, you've no idea. Mark he... he's always there for me. He's amazing. He always puts me first, I just had to put him first for once.”

“Alright, alright dear,” soothed his mother, “I think I understand now.”

 

Sebastian let his mother hug him for a while until she judged that he had settled down before sitting back up. Heike lifted a hand and placed it at the side of his face to see how Seb was.

“Shall we go upstairs?”

“Okay.”

Heike helped him to stand but Sebastian had to stop.

“Seb?”

“I just feel a bit dizzy.”

“Do you want to sit down?”

“No. I just need a moment,” he excused.

“Okay.”

Heike tried not to look too worried, but she was sure that getting upset had made Seb worse. She waited a minute before walking him through to the hall and very slowly getting Seb up the stairs to bed.

 

She sat on with bed beside Sebastian, putting her arm back around him.

“How's your head now?”

“Hurts.”

“Should I call Dr. Phillips?” wondered Heike.

“No, this is normal.”

Heike didn't like the sound of that; discomfort and pain shouldn't be normal.

“I left my painkillers downstairs. Could you maybe get them?”

“Of course, but isn't it too soon to take more?”

“For later, if I wake up,” Seb explained.

“Oh, yes of course.”

“Thanks.”

Heike went and fetched them while Sebastian got ready for bed. The dogs had followed them up and were sat on the floor looking at him as he finished pulling on some pyjamas. Seb sat on the edge of the bed and looked back at them.

“I had to tell her or she'd think bad things about Mark,” he explained to the dogs.

Worse than revealing what had gone on was the idea that his mother could think badly of Mark. Seb couldn't stand that idea.

 

Heike came back through and Sebastian climbed into bed. His mother sat on the edge of the bed while he settled. She looked at the dogs.

“Do you let them sleep up here?”

Sebastian gave her a little half shrug as he lay there.

“Not normally, but...”

His mother nodded and turned to the dogs.

“You boys sleep on the floor and let Seb rest,” she instructed firmly.

The two dogs moved into position by the side of the bed nearest to Seb and settled down. Sebastian gave them the closest thing to a smile he could manage at seeing them being so obedient for his mother.

“Good boys,” praised Seb.

“Yes good boys. Now then, you've got your painkillers and some water. Do you need anything else?”

“No Mum, thank you.”

“Okay, will you sleep now?”

“Yeah I'm tired.”

“Go to sleep then and no more working yourself up,” Heike instructed.

She sat over him, seeing how puffy her son's eyes were from crying and how he was struggling to keep them open.

“Sleep sweetheart, that's it.”

She stroked his hair and Sebastian closed his eyes and let himself drift off. Heike waited until she was sure he was fast asleep before leaning in and kissing her son's head.

Heike took a deep breath and got up to leave, pausing to give the dogs a stroke and telling them to stay put to keep a watch on him.

“Come and fetch me if he gets upset again,” she whispered, then repeated it in English to make sure they understood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was almost half past five by the time Mark finally got to the hotel in Austin after various little delays at the airport. He wanted to head straight up to lie on his bed and sleep, but Mark knew he had things he needed to sort out first. He checked in at the desk and spoke briefly to one or two representatives from Porsche that were around, before gathering up his belongings and looking for the lifts. As he crossed the lobby looking down at his keycard to see what his room number was, Mark walked bang into Jenson. He apologised before looking up, then saw his friend staring at him as if he wasn't real.

“Mark?”

“Oh hey. Sorry wasn't looking were I was going.”

Jenson was still staring at him. Then he shook himself out of it and pulled Mark into a bear hug.

“Bloody hell mate. I wasn't expecting to see you here. How's Seb? Stupid question, he must be okay if you're here. How are you? You look like hell,” rushed Jenson as he let him go.

Mark sighed, hardly able to take in his friend's words as his head felt so dulled and fuzzy.

“Um, yeah he's okay.”

“Good, glad to hear it.”

Jenson tried to think what to say. It seemed very strange that Mark was here and he really did look awful.

“I'm sorry I didn't return all your messages. Jess too,” excused Mark.

“Oh hey mate, no we didn't expect you too. I was out in Japan with Jess and we, oh god mate we were watching and...”

Mark closed his eyes for a moment feeling his stomach turn over at being reminded of Seb's accident and the reason he shouldn't be here.

Jenson saw the look on his friend's face.

“Shit, sorry I should shut up. He's home though, that's great. Really great. Maybe Jess and I could come over and see you guys sometime?” Jenson tried, hoping to pick him up a bit.

“Umm, yeah.”

“You must have had a hell of a time.”

Mark nodded tightly. He couldn't do this right now. He knew Jenson meant well but he just wasn't up to it.

“Yeah, sorry, I don't really want to talk about it,” Mark admitted flatly.

Jenson felt awful.

“No, of course, sorry.”

Mark sighed, knowing he was being rude when all his friend was trying to do was sympathise.

“No I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep on the flight and I really could have used it. Anyway thanks for asking and all your messages, we really did appreciate it.”

“Course. Just as long as he's okay, that's all that matters.”

“Yeah.”

 

There was an awkward silence as they both stood there for a moment not knowing what to say. Mark broke it first, wanting to get away.

“I guess I'd better make myself known to Andreas, then I could do with sorting out my room and stuff.”

“Okay. You want to get some grub later?”

“Sure.”

“Meet you down here, say eight and we can go out and find somewhere in town?” suggested Jenson.

“Yeah, no problem.”

“Eight yeah?” emphasised Jenson, unsure how much Mark was paying attention to him.

“Eight. Sure. See you later.”

 

Mark nodded at Jenson and walked away. He needed to get things out of the way and then he could get some time to himself and call Seb like he had promised.

 

 

 

 

 

By the time Mark sat down on his bed he wanted to lie out flat on it and sleep as he felt thoroughly exhausted, but he needed to phone Seb as he had promised, even if it was bound to be torture to hear his voice and know how far away he was.

He pulled his phone out and switched it on, realising that he had forgotten to do so when he had got off the plane. Mark half expected there to be some unread messages from Sebastian waiting for him, but there was nothing. A part of him was disappointed, but Mark knew that was stupid. He didn't really want Seb to be texting him when he wouldn't be getting any answers and besides Seb knew he was on a flight and hopefully had simply been sleeping as he'd said he would.

Mark looked at the time on his phone; 6.02pm. He tried to work out the time difference and wasn't too happy to realise that made it just gone midnight in the UK. Damn. Seb was bound to be asleep wasn't he? Maybe he should have called him from the airport as soon as he'd arrived? It wouldn't have been a whole lot earlier, but still. Mark let out a heavy sigh. He couldn't get anything right at the moment. Mark didn't want to wake Sebastian up, but he had promised he would ring and he was sure that Seb would have been hanging on hoping he'd call, maybe even waiting up. It would be a terrible thing to break his promise. Nothing for it but to call anyway.

 

He sat on the edge of his hotel bed looking at his phone screen that was indicating it was ringing Seb's number. At first there was no answer and Mark was on the point of hanging up when the call suddenly connected.

“Hello?”

Mark could hear how sleepy Sebastian sounded and knew that he had woken him.

“Hey sweetheart it's me. Did I wake you? I'm sorry.”

“Mark?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I know it's late, but I promised I'd call so...”

Nearly five thousand miles away Sebastian was blearily pushing himself up in bed and trying to wake his brain up.

“Oh no it's okay. Hey Mark.”

“Were you asleep?” wondered Mark.

Despite the fact he knew Mark couldn't see him, Sebastian gave a little shrug.

“I guess. Doesn't matter. Are you okay? You got there alright?”

“Yeah, I'm okay, few hitches this end, that's why I'm a bit later calling, sorry.”

“Problems?”

“Nothing really, just some faffing around. No big deal. I'm in my room now”

“Oh okay.”

“How are you darling, are you alright?”

“Yeah, just sleepy.”

Mark could hear it in his voice and felt guilty for waking him when Sebastian ought to be resting.

“Sorry, I shouldn't have woken you. Do you want me to call back in the morning?”

“Oh no, no don't go,” appealed Sebastian, worrying that Mark might hang up when he had only just got him.

Mark hated hearing how anxious Seb sounded.

“I'm not going, it's okay,” he soothed. “I just don't want to keep you up when it's late.”

“I've slept loads today, it doesn't matter.”

“Oh okay. You slept this afternoon then?”

“Yeah. I just took my painkillers and slept through.”

“Good. Well I mean not good that you had to take your painkillers obviously,” backtracked Mark.

 

Sebastian shuffled the pillows up so he could lean back on them and smiled at hearing Mark's voice. It was so warm and familiar. Seb closed his eyes to listen so he could pretend Mark was right there with him.

“I know what you meant. It's okay.”

“How are you feeling now?” checked Mark.

Sebastian hadn't actually taken any time to think about it. His head felt fairly numb at the moment.

“Okay, just a bit asleep I think. I took some more before I went to bed.”

“Ah okay.”

Mark wondered what there was to talk about. They couldn't discuss what they really wanted to.

“How's your mum getting on?” tried Mark.

“Hm? Yeah okay I think.”

“What about the dogs, are they looking after you?”

Sebastian opened his eyes and looked to the side to see Shadow and Simba lying there asleep. The sight made him smile.

“Yeah. They're here sleeping on the floor,” Seb explained.

Mark smiled as well, despite how bad he felt.

“In the bedroom?”

“Yeah. Don't be cross with them. They know they're not allowed, but...”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I'm not going to be cross am I? They're doing their job. I told them to take care of you.”

 

Mark sighed out. He wished he could give the dogs a nice stroke and tell them what good boys they were. He wanted to be sat on that bed with Seb holding on to him. They ought to be together. Mark didn't want to be here, so very far away when he should be home.

“They are,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Yeah? Good. You're really okay aren't you? I hate that I'm not there with you right now.”

Seb pouted, feeling more than ever Mark's absence. He didn't mean to, but he took a sharp little breath in and Mark heard it over the phone.

“Seb? Oh darling, you're alright aren't you?”

Mark could feel his heart twisting up tight.

“Yeah, yeah I'm okay. Sorry.”

 

In his head Sebastian was screaming; _'I miss you, I miss you, I miss you,_ ' but he couldn't say that out-loud. He couldn't make Mark feel bad about going away.

“You're sure?”

Sebastian scrunched his face up tight and closed his eyes. He mustn't cry or Mark would hear it.

“Yeah.”

Mark was sure his heart was breaking. Seb sounded so quiet and far away. He forced his voice to sound solid and reassuring.

“I love you so much sweetheart. I wish I was with you. You know I'll be home very soon, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And your mum's looking after you?”

“Yeah course.”

Sebastian wasn't about to tell Mark about how upset he had got earlier. It would only make him feel guilty.

“Good. What did Dr. Phillips say when he came over?”

“Hm? Oh I can't remember.”

Mark frowned. That didn't sound good.

“What do you mean you can't remember?”

“I, just... I don't know, he didn't say anything new. He was talking to Mum a bit. I wasn't really listening.”

“Oh, okay then,” accepted Mark, somewhat relieved.

“Did you get out with the dogs at all?”

“No not today,” Sebastian admitted,

“Right. Well never mind.”

“I was tired.”

“That's fine sweetheart, I was only wondering. If you're tired you should rest. Pauline took them out first thing, it doesn't matter.”

“I just wanted to sleep. I just want to sleep until you come home,” confessed Sebastian.

 

Mark put his hand over his mouth for a moment. He was so close to crying, but he swallowed hard and pushed it away, compelling his voice to remain even.

“I'll be home soon. Really soon darling.”

“Yeah okay. It's just a few days,” assured Seb, half to Mark, half to himself.

“Yeah, just a few days,” echoed Mark.

Mark tried to think of something he could give Seb to try to help him feel better.

“Do you remember virtual hugs?”

“Hm?”

“Where we close our eyes and imagine really hard that we're together,” reminded Mark.

Sebastian thought for a minute and it finally rang a bell from a time when he and Mark had been far apart other times.

“Yeah.”

“You do?”

“Mm.”

“Do you want to close your eyes?” encouraged Mark.

“They're already closed.”

“Ah I see.”

“I like the sound of your voice,” Seb admitted.

Mark smiled in spite of himself.

“I like yours too darling. Okay well I've closed my eyes too now and I'm imagining that you're here. You're right here pressed into me and I'm putting my arms around you,” he described.

Sebastian pulled the duvet up and wrapped his arms around it.

“Are you doing it too sweetheart?” coaxed Mark.

“Yeah,” breathed Sebastian.

He took in another inhale of the duvet and was sure he could still catch the scent of Mark lingering in the covers.

“Yeah I'm doing it. I'm putting my arms around you and holding on tight. They're right around your middle and I'm putting my head on your shoulder.”

Seb sounded almost dreamy, his voice light and slow. Mark tipped his head to the side and imagined himself leaning his head into Sebastian's as he held him. He knew it wasn't enough, that Sebastian needed real physical contact for comfort and that he needed it too, but if they couldn't have that, then this would have to do.

“That's good darling, so good.”

“I love you so much Liebling.”

“I love you too darling, love you too.”

They both sat there for a little while, letting their imagination do the work of comforting them until Mark broke the silence.

 

“Are you still there Seb?”

“Hm? Yeah.”

Sebastian sounded sleepier than ever and Mark felt guilty for keeping him up when it was so late back home.

“I should let you go back to sleep.”

“The duvet smells of you,” let out Seb drowsily.

“Does it? I wish mine smelt of you,” admitted Mark, hastily brushing away an escaping tear.

“Go to sleep now sweetheart and get more rest,” Mark instructed.

“Okay.”

Sebastian sounded half-asleep already.

“I love you. I'll speak to you again soon, okay,” promised Mark.

“Okay Liebling. Love you too. I miss you.”

Seb hadn't meant to add the last part, but his brain wasn't functioning fully.

 

Mark had to hang on desperately hard not to cry at that.

“I miss you too darling. I'll see you soon, very soon. Take care of yourself.”

“You too.”

“Okay. I'm gonna go now, so hang up and go to sleep,” instructed Mark.

“Mm, okay.”

Sebastian could feel himself drifting. He hadn't reopened his eyes, but he forced himself to now so he could look at the phone.

“Bye for now then. Love you so much.”

“Bye Liebling, love you too.”

Sebastian pressed the call disconnect button and placed the phone down on the bedstand before shuffling back down the bed and pulling the duvet in around him, hoping that he wasn't imagining the smell of Mark that he was sure still resided in it.

 

 

On the other side of the world Mark saw the call was ended and dumped down his phone on the bed before dropping back and staring at the ceiling, taking deep breaths that were meant to be steadying but only seemed to fuel his crying.

After a while Mark tried to pull himself together and got up to go and take a shower to see if that might help him feel marginally better. If not it at least might help wake him up, and either way it was a distraction and he did feel pretty skanky after the long flight. Mark turned the water on to warm up and found some paracetamol to take to try to help his head.

Once showered, Mark redressed in clean clothes and sorted things out in his room, putting his things away. At the bottom of the suitcase he found the photo frame he had snuck in there, hoping that Seb wouldn't miss it too much. Mark propped it up on the bedside drawers and lay down looking at it. That beautiful sunny picture of the two of them on holiday. He loved that picture, loved even more that Seb had got it for him.

Mark picked it up again and looked more closely at it for a moment, thinking about how carelessly happy they had been when the picture was taken. Their holiday seemed so very long ago. Mark put the photo frame back and picked up his phone to go through the pictures on there instead. He swiped his way through all the shots they had taken while they were away, staring at each picture until it was engraved on his mind.

Mark went further back and trawled through the photograph album on his phone to find other pictures he had stored. There was one with Seb sat on the lounge floor hugging the dogs that Mark remembered taking just after he had properly moved in at the start of the summer; one of Seb sat in the garden at his parents' house in Australia; one of Sebastian's immaculate Christmas tree last year and an 'after' shot from when they had tried to reconstruct the tree after the dogs had pulled it down, looking rather wonky with Sebastian stood to the side doing a comedy shrug that even now made Mark smile. Mark resolved to make sure they made a proper fuss of Christmas this year so he could make it perfect for Seb.

There was one even further back of Seb in Japan with some kids in fancy dress. Mark thought about how they had been on their little trip around Tokyo and the fun they had even though they had been in complete denial about what was going on between them. It made no sense to think that they weren't together then, and looking back now it felt as though they had been really. He sighed as he thought about how they had planned to go to Japan again this year and do the trip properly as a couple. There was no way that was happening now seeing as Sebastian wasn't going to be racing any time soon.

The crash had changed everything and Mark didn't know if Seb remembered that they had made those plans. He still wasn't sure what Seb remembered about many things. There was really no way to know without asking him and going over everything, and that could take forever. Worse than that was the fact that there were lots of things Mark didn't _want_ to ask Sebastian if he remembered; All the bad things from his past, all the hard times he had been through this year and last, even further back when they were team-mates and things had been difficult between them, Mark didn't know what Seb remembered about that. He wasn't sure he wanted Seb to remember.

It was such a mess, but far worse was the way he wasn't with Seb right now as he ought to be. Mark let out a heavy sigh and started scrolling through the photographs again, stopping on his favourites and staring at them, reaching out a finger and stroking it over the screen against Sebastian's face.

 

 

 

Mark had no idea how long he had been lying there when there was a knock on the door that made him jump. He got up and quickly checked in the mirror to see he didn't look too bad before opening the door to find Jenson stood there in the hallway.

“Hey mate. You stood me up,” greeted Jenson cheerily.

“Huh?”

Jenson saw the blank look on Mark's face and felt bad for making a joke when he clearly wasn't in great shape.

“We were meant to meet for dinner twenty minutes ago.”

“Oh, sorry.”

Jenson shook his head.

“Doesn't matter. Are you alright?” he asked with concern.

Mark shrugged.

“I lost track of time, sorry.”

“Yeah never mind about that, are you okay?” pressed Jenson.

Mark stretched a hand up and rubbed the back of his neck, not knowing what to say.

“Can I come in?”

“Um, yeah, sure.”

Mark stepped out of the doorway to allow Jenson past. He shut the door behind him then hovered for a moment, unsure what to do with himself, then went over and joined Jenson where he had sat on the bed.

 

Jenson looked at his friend and sighed. He'd already been on the phone to Jess expressing his astonishment at finding Mark here, which she had echoed. He'd been planning to try to find out what was going on with Mark over dinner and when he hadn't shown up Jenson had been getting more and more worried.

“Right mate, are you going to talk to me?”

Mark frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“You look like hell. Are you alright?”

Mark shrugged. He wasn't up to an interrogation right now, however well meant.

“I'm just tired. I meant to sleep on the flight but I couldn't.”

“Yeah.”

Jenson bit back the words 'why are you here?' and tried to think of a gentler approach.

“How's Seb?”

Mark looked away and nodded.

“He's okay.”

“Have you spoken to him since you got here?”

“Yeah.”

“Were you talking to him, was that why you were late?”

“Hm? Oh no not really, well, I mean sort of...”

 

Jenson was looking at Mark, trying to fathom him out. He couldn't understand why Mark was being so reticent. He glanced to the side and noticed the framed photograph of the two of them looking happy somewhere. Jenson couldn't help but be touched at the way Mark had clearly put it there so he could look at it, keeping Seb in the forefront of his mind.

“But he's okay, yeah?”

Mark nodded tightly.

“Yeah, he's okay. He was half-asleep. I forgot the time-difference which is pretty stupid, but yeah he's alright.”

“Good. I'm very glad to hear it.”

“His mum is there looking after him.”

“Ah I see.”

“I wouldn't have left him alone,” excused Mark.

“No of course not.”

“He's resting. That's what all the doctors said he has to do now, just rest.”

“Uh huh,” nodded Jenson, hoping to encourage Mark to open up a bit.

“The painkillers he has make him tired so he's asleep half the time anyway.”

“The concussion?”

“Yeah.”

“But he's doing okay, yeah? No more problems?”

“No.”

“It must have been very scary when he had to go back in,” risked Jenson.

“Yeah,” breathed Mark.

 

Mark was staring hard at the floor and Jenson felt terrible for bringing it up. He put his hand on Mark's arm.

“Shit mate I'm sorry. Me and my big mouth. I'm sure he's fine now, they wouldn't have let him out otherwise.”

Mark nodded even more tightly, still staring at the floor.

“It was my fault,” Mark confessed.

“What?”

“My fault. My fault he relapsed and ended up back in hospital.”

“No, mate, don't be ridiculous.”

Mark looked up at Jenson and shook his head, his face crumpling.

“It was. It was my fault. He wanted to go home and I agreed even though I knew it was a bad idea and...”

Mark swallowed, feeling his chest tightening.

“I was so stupid. I knew he wasn't really up to it, but he wanted to go home so badly and I just wanted to give him what he wanted.”

“Well of course you did.”

Mark shook his head.

“But I should have listened to his mum. She said Seb should have stayed with them and she was right. You should have seen how she looked at me this morning when she arrived. She blames me.”

“No mate.”

“Yeah she does and she's right. I failed him.”

“Mark...”

“No. I did. I was so stupid. I was meant to be taking care of him and all I did was put Seb straight back in hospital.”

“But you didn't know that would happen.”

“I should have done.”

“Mark, you're not a doctor,” mitigated Jenson.

“But I knew he was ill. I knew he wasn't really ready to leave the hospital in Italy, but he was so desperate to get out of there after what happened.”

“You mean the picture in the papers?”

“Yeah. It was horrible. He was so upset.”

“Well of course he was. Those bastards, they've no idea of the consequences of what they do, they don't care.”

“Seb just wanted to go home and I wanted to take him, but he was getting worse the further we got; Going under the channel made him sick and I was so bloody scared.”

“Shit, of course you were.”

“But I still kept on driving. I kept on trying to go home when I should have taken him to the nearest hospital.”

“You can't blame yourself.”

“Who else should I blame?” countered Mark.

“Well, I...”

Mark shook his head unhappily.

“He was getting worse and worse and we had to stop so he could throw up again and I knew he was in trouble.”

“So you took him to the hospital yeah? You did the right thing Mark,” assured Jenson

 

Mark rubbed at his face, struggling with the memory and all the guilt he carried.

“I could see him fading and I was so bloody scared and then when we finally got to the hospital he collapsed and, and...”

Mark started gulping and crying.

“Oh fuck, mate, hey now, it's okay,” consoled Jenson, shocked to see his friend so distressed. He put a hand on his arm, trying to comfort Mark.

“It's, it's not... It was awful... He was lying there unconscious and all the doctors and... I was so fucking scared I didn't know how to breathe.”

“Jesus, I didn't realise, I mean I heard stuff, but I wasn't sure...”

Neither Jenson nor Jess had wanted to press Mark for information on what had happened in detail when they had sent messages of support, all they had focussed on was the fact that Seb was doing better in hospital.

Mark looked at his friend.

“It was like I was back there, back when he was first hurt. Seb was totally out of it, not responding, and the doctors were checking his pulse and putting the oxygen mask on and I was so frightened, so bloody frightened. I thought I was going to lose him.”

“Oh Mark.”

Mark started crying harder and Jenson pulled him into a hug.

“Hey, hey mate it's okay. He was alright though, yeah?”

Mark managed a tiny nod.

“So he's okay, Seb's going to be okay,” consoled Jenson.

 

Mark nodded, but he couldn't stop crying, the breaths coming sharper and harder as everything that had happened overwhelmed him. Jenson had no idea what to say and sat there helplessly rubbing Mark's arm as he sat back.

“I thought he was going to die, in the hospital, he wouldn't wake up, all those machines, and he was just lying there unconscious, and and and...”

“Oh god Mark. You mean again?”

Mark managed to draw in enough air to continue.

“No in Italy, after the crash, I thought he wouldn't wake up, that it was too much and he was gone, because he did, he did, he did die, his heart stopped. When he crashed and they pulled him out, his heart stopped, it stopped and he died. Seb _died_.”

 

The words were tumbling from Mark's mouth uncontrollably and Jenson sat there horrified at seeing his friend falling apart. He got up and grabbed a bottle of water from the little fridge and opened it to try to get Mark to take some sips to calm him.

“Fucking hell Mark, just take a drink. Calm down, okay.”

Mark sipped the water and slowed himself down, still feeling terrible.

“Christ, I'm so sorry. I mean I did know, but, I didn't realise...”

Jenson sighed. He'd known it must have been a horrific experience for Mark to go through, but to be confronted with the reality of it was shocking. His friend who was usually so strong and tough-minded, now completely breaking down in front of him.

Mark wiped at his face with his sleeve and tried to take a deep breath to even himself out.

“I'm sorry.”

Jenson shook his head.

“Sorry? Christ Mark you don't need to be sorry. I can't even imagine what that was like to go through.”

“They didn't even want to let me in, at the hospital.”

“What do you mean?”

“They said I wasn't family,” explained Mark.

Jenson opened his mouth and then closed it again.

“But... I don't...”

Mark shrugged miserably.

“Boyfriend doesn't count you see. I'm not important. It's not the same, not like other people.”

“Mark, I... How could they do that?”

Mark started crying again, sniffling wretchedly between words.

“I had to wait downstairs while they decided if they were going to let me in and they wouldn't even tell me if Seb was alive or dead.”

Jenson felt like crying himself. How could people be so callous and prejudiced?

“I thought I was going to have to wait until his parents got there, but... I don't know, I think the team made some calls and they let me in, but just seeing him like that...”

 

Mark shook his head, hating the memory.

“...it was like it wasn't really Seb there at all, not my Seb, just the shell of him and they couldn't say if he was going to be okay. They ran all these tests, but all they could say was that they were hoping he'd wake up, but the longer he didn't...”

Jenson nodded understanding.

“So I just had to sit there, hour after hour, and I was losing hope. I know that's awful, I know I shouldn't have had such little faith in him.”

“Ah Mark don't say that. You were out of your mind with worry.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, I was, and then he finally woke up but he didn't know anything. He was so scared and the doctors were freaking him out and I didn't know what to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“All the machines went crazy, his heart and blood pressure, it was all going off the scale and they wanted to sedate him, but I couldn't let them, I just wanted to calm Seb down to make him okay, but I didn't really know what I was doing. I don't think I've known what I've been doing through any of this, I've just been going on instinct the whole time and I could have made him so much worse.”

 

Jenson frowned, trying to keep up with all that Mark was telling him.

“But he was okay, right?”

“Yeah, he... yeah he was okay, well not really okay, he didn't know where he was or anything and he, he didn't remember stuff... he was so confused,” Mark let out.

“But that's the concussion, right?”

“Yeah, but it's, it's far worse than anything you or I have ever had; Every time he woke up we were right back again and he didn't know where he was or what had happened and I had to sit with him and tell him again. I had to keep telling Seb he'd crashed and every, every time it was torture. He was so afraid and confused and it felt like I was hurting him to tell him, over and over.”

 

Mark sounded exhausted and as though each word pained him to say. He sank further forwards and put his face in his hands as Jenson placed a consoling hand on his back. Jenson sat thinking about how terrible that must have been for Mark to experience; Having to see the person he loved in such distress and feel as though he was compounding that by reminding them that something bad had happened to them.

“I can't imagine mate.”

Mark managed to sit up a little and wiped at his face, trying to calm himself down.

“He was getting a bit better, but you see every time he had more medication for the pain it sent him to sleep and then when he woke, we had to go through it again.”

Jenson puffed a breath. It sounded like a nightmare.

“That's not still, I mean, he's better now right?”

Mark took a sip of water.

“He still gets the headaches and dizziness, but now he's home at least he knows where he is.”

“So that went on? I mean after Italy?”

Mark nodded.

“He wasn't quite so bad, but yeah he kept waking up when we were in the Radcliffe and it'd be the middle of the night and, yeah...”

Mark let out a long sigh.

“He didn't even know where he was when we were at his parents'. We were staying in his old bedroom, the one he grew up in and when he woke up he didn't recognise it.”

“God, that's... It must have been horrendous,” sympathised Jenson.

Mark let out a shaky breath.

“For him. It was far worse for him.”

“Yeah, well I don't suppose it was much fun for you either.”

“No.”

Jenson pulled Mark in for another hug, still struggling for anything actually helpful to say.

 

Mark sat back and looked Jenson in the eye.

“You won't tell anyone this about Seb, right? He'd hate it if people knew.”

“No course not.”

“He is better, his memory I mean, the second time we were in hospital he was improving and he does remember more stuff, but there's still a lot... I mean I don't know, he doesn't even know what's missing.”

Jenson nodded.

“I take it he doesn't remember the crash?”

“No nothing around that. To be honest I don't think he remembers being in Italy much at all, but they say that's okay, I mean not okay, but well, normal with his injury and maybe it's for the best really.”

“Yeah, I'm sure that's right.”

 

Mark was calming down, but the rush of emotion he had released now left him feeling hollowed out.

“I'm sure he'll be okay,” Jenson reassured.

Mark nodded reflexively.

“He will. Seb's a tough little sod isn't he? You always say that,” reminded Jenson.

“Yeah, but it's horrible to see him so... reduced, so low. He can't even shake or nod his head without it giving him just the worst kind of pain and he can't really do anything.”

“What do you mean?” pressed Jenson.

“He gets too tired. He can't walk very far, even the stairs...”

Mark's head sank back down again as he thought about that. Seb was still so weak and he needed him. Seb needed him and he'd just left him behind.

 

He let out a dry shuddery breath and stared at the floor while Jenson sat taking it all in. After a few minutes Mark sat up and looked at him.

“Sorry. I'm such a mess,” Mark admitted.

Jenson shook his head.

“No Mark, don't apologise.”

“I just... I've not really talked about it.”

“To anyone?”

Mark shrugged. Seb was the priority not him.

“I can't stop worrying about him.”

“Of course.”

“What if something happens while I'm away? What if he relapses again?” asked Mark anxiously.

“Mark I'm sure he'll be alright,” Jenson reassured. “You said you spoke to him before?”

“Yeah he's okay, but...” Mark swallowed, “but not really. I should be home looking after him.”

Jenson couldn't keep it in any longer.

“Mark, seriously mate, what the fuck are you doing here?”

Mark looked at Jenson, his face tight.

“Cos I'm a shit boyfriend.”

“Bollocks mate. I don't accept that. Did you want to leave him?”

Mark shook his head, on the point of tears again.

“So why have you come? I didn't expect to see you. It didn't even occur to me that you'd be here.”

Mark shrugged miserably.

“Had to didn't I?”

“What do you mean?”

“The race. Can't just _not_...”

“Mate, fucking hell, there's more important things.”

“He kept telling me I had to go.”

“Who?”

“Seb.”

Jenson frowned.

“Seb said you should come?”

“Yeah. He was... he kept insisting, and he said he was better and I... well I didn't want to tell him he wasn't, I didn't want to tell him how worried I was and... Andreas kept asking and I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to say no.”

 

Mark voice was actually shaking now and Jenson was horrified.

“Andreas was pushing you to come?”

Mark shrugged again.

“He kept ringing.”

“What the hell did he say?”

“He... I didn't pick up. He texted and... He just said he needed an answer and I didn't know what to say. Seb kept insisting I had to come, and... He kept getting so upset about it. I couldn't argue with him and I didn't know what to do.”

Jenson suddenly understood what was going on.

“You didn't think you could miss the race?”

“I...”

“But _Mark_.”

“Not exactly in a position of strength here am I?” admitted Mark.

Jenson goggled at him.

“With Porsche? Jesus Mark, you can't think... I mean surely in the circumstances?”

Mark shook his head sadly.

“Not the same is it? Doesn't count.”

“What? You mean you and Seb?”

Mark could only shrug. It was the truth he'd been unable to reconcile; His relationship with Sebastian wasn't considered anything but a problem to Porsche. How could they give any consideration to it?

 

“ _Mark.”_

“I'm already on thin ice.”

Jenson sat open mouthed at how this situation could have come about.

“Mark this won't do. You should be home with Seb. I don't even mean for his sake, I mean you. You're going to make yourself ill.”

“I'll be alright. Just a few days and then I can go home.”

Mark's voice sounded hollow, the words robotic.

Jenson wasn't sure what to say. Mark was in a terrible state. He looked utterly destroyed; his eyes lifeless and his skin ashen. He'd been almost hysterical when struggling to describe what had happened. Jenson was sure Mark had worn himself out to the point where he wasn't thinking straight. Surely he couldn't be to have let himself be propelled into coming here when any sensible person could see he was in no condition to be going anywhere, never mind trying to race.

“Mark, I'm sorry mate, but I really don't think you should be here.”

“I just need some sleep, then I'll be okay. I couldn't sleep on the flight. I'll get some sleep now and... it's just a few days I've just got to get through and then I'll go home to him. He'll be okay with his mum.”

“Mark...”

“He'll be okay right?” appealed Mark, his eyes anxious.

Jenson nodded, unable to do anything other than reassure his friend.

“Yeah mate course he will. Seb's gonna be fine. Try not to worry.”

 

Mark was completely overwrought with stress and exhaustion. It seemed only too obvious to Jenson that he was in no condition to be making decisions. Mark needed help.

Jenson gave him a reassuring pat on the arm.

“Maybe you should just get some kip then mate, yeah? You look done in. Don't be worrying about Seb, I'm sure his mum is looking after him.”

Mark nodded. He really needed to switch his brain off for a bit. He felt completely and utterly drained. Mark couldn't be bothered with food. He just wanted to curl up where he was.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want me to get you anything?” checked Jenson as he stood up to go.

“No, thanks. I just need to lie down. I feel like a steamroller's gone over me, then backed up and reversed the other way,” admitted Mark.

Jenson huffed a half laugh despite how concerned he was. He didn't want to tell Mark that he looked as though that was true.

“Sleep and we'll talk in the morning yeah?”

“Yeah, thanks. Sorry.”

Jenson shook his head.

“Nothing to be sorry about. I'll see you in the morning alright?”

Mark nodded. Maybe he really would be a bit better in the morning?

 

 

 

Jenson took one last look at his friend, said good night and left him to it. The moment he got back to his room he pulled out his phone and rang Jess to talk it through.

 

“I know what I've got to do, but I'm not sure Mark will thank me for it.”

Back home in their apartment in Monaco Jessica was split between the urge to cry and a terrible anger that this could have come about.

“I know Jense, but I don't think we've got any choice. He's obviously in no place to do it himself.”

“You don't think it'll make things worse?”

“By the sounds of things I'm not sure how it _could_ be any worse.”

“No. To be honest I'm really worried...”

Jenson sighed, he wouldn't say this to anyone but Jess.

“If he keeps on, I think Mark's going to give himself a nervous breakdown.”

Jessica matched her husband's sigh.

“Yeah. God what a mess. How did it come to this?”

“I don't know. I guess everyone's so focussed on Seb no one's thinking about Mark, not even Mark himself.”

“No, well we'll have to do it for him.”

“Yeah. I'm not sure Andreas is going to be too pleased with me either.”

“You've got my backing, whatever happens alright sweetheart?”

“Yeah, thanks. Okay I'm gonna go do this. I know it's late, but I don't think it can wait.”

“No it can't. Call me after, yeah?”

“It must be very late with you,” noted Jenson.

“I'll only be worrying, so ring me.”

“Yeah okay.”

Jenson set his shoulders back.

“Love you.”

“Love you too, now go kick some arse and fix this,” instructed Jessica firmly.

Jenson had to smile at that. He finished the call, then texted his boss to ask if he could have a few minutes of his time and set off to find his room thinking that Andreas ought to be grateful it wasn't his wife he was about to face.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Answer to the start note - Yeah, not coping well at all...
> 
> A cheery old chapter for a Sunday night, sorry. As an aside I've been listening to London Grammar a lot while writing this. If you've not come across them try this track: 'Wasting All My Young Years', https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkeDBwsIaZw  
> I think it's beautiful.


	85. Tipping Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what happens now?

 

* * *

 

 

 

Jenson sat on a chair while Andreas sat on his bed opposite him.

“Everything alright?” asked Andreas, wondering what necessitated Jenson coming to his room at this time of night.

Jenson paused and scrubbed a hand through his hair, struggling even though he knew he had to do this.

“No, to be honest mate it's not.”

“Have you got a problem?”

“Not me, but...” Jenson sighed. “Look have you seen Mark since he got here?”

“Well yes, only very briefly. Have you spoken to him?”

“Yeah. How did he seem to you?” tested Jenson.

“I only saw him for a moment, but, tired I suppose. He said he'd not been able to sleep on the flight.”

“Yeah I don't think he's been able to sleep for well over a week now,” noted Jenson darkly.

Andreas paused.

“That's why you're here? About Mark.”

“Yeah that's why I'm here. I'm here as his friend. Mark doesn't know I'm here and I don't imagine he'll be too chuffed with me for doing this, but I don't care, this needs saying.”

“Okay,” allowed Andreas cautiously, already knowing that this couldn't be leading to anything good.

 

Jenson looked at his boss for a moment before throwing caution to the wind.

“Mark shouldn't be here. He's in no state. Mark should be home with Seb right now and frankly I can't understand how you've had him come.”

Andreas went to speak and then stopped.

“I know I'm speaking out of turn. I know it's not my place as a driver to tell you what to do, or to speak about my team-mate, but as Mark's friend I can't _not_ tell you this; Mark shouldn't be here racing this weekend. I hardly know how he even made it here at all to be honest. I think Mark's running on fumes right now.”

 

Andreas took a deep breath and puffed it out. He had seen that Mark clearly wasn't looking too good, but with everything so frantic as everyone arrived to set up for the weekend, he'd put it off as something to deal with tomorrow.

“I did ask him if it was too soon,” tried Andreas.

Jenson frowned.

“When you saw him?”

“No, when I texted,” admitted Andreas.

“Right. Okay look, as I say, I know it's not my place, but I don't know how you could just text Mark telling him to come this weekend after what's happened.”

“I didn't tell him to come. I asked him if he was coming.”

“Isn't that the same thing?”

“Well, I... I did try to ask if he was okay.”

“Why didn't you speak to him?”

“I tried Jenson. He wasn't picking up my calls.”

“Well didn't that tell you something?”

“I presumed he was busy.”

“Yes, busy looking after Seb which is what he should be doing now, or better still someone else looking after the pair of them.”

 

Andreas wanted to protest that he really had tried to get hold of Mark, but Jenson seemed angry and something told him there was more to this.

“Jenson...”

“No, look I know I'm out of line here, but I can't understand how you let this happen. Mark's dragged himself over here when he's in no state to leave Seb. You do understand Seb was very nearly killed, right? Seb was in a coma ten days ago. He's been in intensive care. They only left hospital a couple of days ago.”

“Mark said Seb was okay now, that he's just resting.”

Jenson huffed a breath.

“Resting, yeah, because he can't do anything else. Seb has a serious concussion. You must know that's not some little thing?”

Andreas sighed.

“Yes I do know that Jenson, but I think Mark's the one to judge if he should be here.”

Jenson shook his head.

“No he's really not right now. Look Mark's probably going to kill me for saying this, but he's not; Mark's exhausted and he's not thinking straight at the moment. He spent pretty much all of last week with Seb in hospital, he never left him to get any decent rest for himself. Mark's been worried out of his mind over Seb, he still is. You know when they let Seb out of the hospital to bring him home he relapsed and had to be rushed back in again? Can you imagine how scared Mark is that will happen again?”

“Jenson...”

“You understand how serious they are about each other, right?”

“Yes Jenson I do. I did try to talk to him. I asked Mark if he was okay to come. I don't understand why he would say yes if he's not,” admitted Andreas.

“Don't you?”

Andreas looked taken aback.

“What does that mean?”

 

Jenson knew he was digging himself a hole here, but fuck it, if he didn't say this he wouldn't be able to look himself in the eye tomorrow.

“Andreas, Mark feels like he has to be here, he has to race, that he couldn't say no.”

“What do you mean he couldn't say no?”

Jenson sighed. Mark might be angry for him saying this, but he had no choice.

“He couldn't say no because he thinks his position here is under threat,” Jenson explained.

Andreas sighed.

“Is he wrong?” challenged Jenson.

His boss didn't know what to say. It was true that Mark's role in the team had been questioned this year.

“Not over this.”

Jenson coughed a mirthless laugh.

“Oh so just over other things then? Over him being with Seb?”

“I'm not sure what he's told you.”

“He's told me enough. The board don't like it, right?”

Andreas shook his head.

“It's just the publicity...”

“That's not their fault.”

“I know that. Look Jenson, Mark and I discussed this at the last race. I told him not to worry about it.”

“Right, and you think that means he _hasn't_ been? Andreas, every time you've told him the board have a problem with him and Seb, you've been telling Mark that Porsche don't want him, that he's too much trouble, and he has to work harder than anyone else to prove he's worth keeping. You know that's discrimination, right? I know you didn't mean to. I know you were just telling him what the board thought, but that's what it was.”

“I was trying to look out for him,” protested Andreas.

“I know, but every time you did that, you were telling Mark he was worth less than a straight driver. You were telling him his relationship with Seb endangered his career and not just that, you were telling him it's not like 'normal' relationships, that it doesn't qualify for normal consideration.”

Jenson could tell he was losing control and getting close to ranting at his boss, but he was angry that Andreas couldn't seem to see that even by just being the board's mouthpiece, he had compounded their attitude to Mark.

“I... that's not what I meant to happen,” tried Andreas.

“Yeah I know, I know you never personally had a problem with Mark being gay or that he's with Seb, but do you really think that means I'm wrong?”

 

Andreas rubbed his face as it sank in.

“No.”

“If it was your wife who had just come out of intensive care, would you really be here? Because I've got to tell you I sure as hell wouldn't.”

“Why didn't he _say?”_

“Because he feels he _can't_ Andreas. Mark's been made to feel so damn insecure in the team that he can't. Even Seb's so bloody worried about it that he told Mark he had to come.”

Jenson suddenly felt like crying at the idea of Seb pushing Mark to leave him when surely that was the last thing he wanted with all he was going through. Mark said Seb had been afraid because of how confusing and disorientating the effects of the concussion were and yet he was more afraid of what would happen to Mark if he didn't go racing.

 

Andreas sagged. This was his fault. He was the boss. No matter what the pressures were from above he should have protected his driver from them instead of making him paranoid about it. Jenson was right, Porsche had conspired, willingly or otherwise, to discriminate against Mark and that was completely unacceptable.

“I know it isn't my place to say it, but Mark can't and somebody's got to. So okay I'm probably crossing a line here and if you want to fire me, fine, but I'd rather say this and be fired than not,” finished Jenson decisively.

Andreas puffed out a long breath before looking at Jenson to reply.

“You're not getting fired Jenson. Neither's Mark. You're right. I didn't mean to let this happen. I did think I was helping Mark, but I've made it worse. I should have communicated better with him over this weekend too, I should have known he needed to stay home with his partner, it doesn't matter who that is.”

Jenson let out a relieved breath.

“Thank you. So what now then?”

Andreas opened out his hands.

“I'll talk to Mark like I should have done in the first place.”

“Good. What are you going to tell him?”

“Well that's between us, but I shall make clear to him what I should have done already; His seat isn't under threat, certainly not over this weekend. That satisfy you?”

“Yes, sorry, I know it's really none of my business, but Mark's my friend and I just couldn't see him this way and not do something about it.”

 

Andreas nodded and looked at his watch.

“Have you just come from speaking to him? Do you know if Mark's still up?”

“It was a while ago. He was going to get some sleep. Like I say, he's not had much of that lately.”

“No. Okay well I guess this can wait until morning.”

“Yeah, okay. I should go.”

Jenson stood up and made for the door, then turned back to Andreas who had moved to show him out.

“I'm sorry if you think I've overstepped the line. You know that normally I would never disrespect you.”

“I understand Jenson. Let's ascribe this one to special circumstances shall we?”

“Thank you.”

“No thank you for coming to me. I should have seen this coming and headed it off.”

“Okay, well thanks anyway. Look, the board...”

“I'll speak to Matthias.”

“If there's any blowback over this for Mark... Seriously, I don't want to be this person, but if anything happens to him over this and he gets pushed out of the team, you should know I'd go with him and I wouldn't be quiet about why. I'm sorry if that sounds like a threat, but, well I feel very strongly about this.”

Andreas nodded.

“That I appreciate. Look don't worry Jenson. Anything happens to Mark over this and I'd resign too, so I think we've got that covered.”

Jenson finally managed a smile at that.

“I really have been trying to look out for Mark you know, even if I've been doing a pretty poor job of it,” noted Andreas.

“Yeah, I know you have. I do appreciate you've been in a difficult position. I know Mark's aware of that too.”

“Okay, well I'm going to try to sort this out. I'll speak to you tomorrow.”

“Thank you, and I hope you know I do respect you, it's just I had to say this.

“I understand. It's okay Jenson. You're a good friend to him.”

Andreas stuck his hand out as a conciliatory gesture and Jenson took it, hoping that he really had made things better for Mark, even if he probably would kill him when he found out what he'd done in the morning. Jenson left, knowing he would do the same again in a heartbeat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next morning Heike tapped lightly on the bedroom door. Getting no response she went in to check on Seb but found him still fast asleep. She looked over him for a moment, hoping that he would be better for a long rest. Tucked in under the duvet she saw that her son was clasping a green jumper in his arms, resting his face into it. Heike wondered if perhaps Sebastian had got it to put on because he'd been cold in the night and then taken it off, but he was clinging on to it now as if it was some kind of comfort blanket. She sighed and shook her her head, her poor little boy. He really had been like a little boy ever since the accident. Perhaps that wasn't so surprising given how badly hurt Sebastian had been, but seeing him in such a terrible state last night had upset her too. Seb had cried like a child in her arms and although she knew it was her job as his mother to look after him and comfort him it was only too obvious that it was Mark that Seb really wanted.

Heike kissed the tips of her fingers and carefully pressed them to her son's forehead before leaving him to sleep as long as he needed. She was tempted to ring Mark, but he was clearly under enough pressure as it was and it wouldn't be fair to make it worse for him. Sebastian would be upset if she did anyway, Heike knew that. Nothing to be done but keep things going as best she could.

 

 

 

Later on in the morning Heike heard a noise in the hall and turned, expecting to see Sebastian finally emerging, but it was Pauline that walked into the kitchen.

“Oh hello.”

“Hello, sorry I hope you don't mind me just letting myself in as usual. I'm Pauline, the housekeeper.”

Pauline stuck out her hand and Heike shook it.

“I'm Heike, Seb's mother. Good to meet you, I've heard a lot about you,” greeted Heike.

“Have you?” replied Pauline in surprise.

“Oh yes. I'm told you keep this place going.”

Pauline laughed.

“Oh well I'm not sure about that, but I try to help out a bit. I was going to take the dogs out. Are they around somewhere with Seb?”

“Yes, they're upstairs. Seb's still asleep,” explained Heike.

“Ah.”

“I'll go up and see if they'll come down for you. One moment.”

Heike disappeared upstairs and quietly persuaded the dogs to come down with the promise of some food. Sebastian was still asleep and didn't seem to stir at the coming and going.

 

 

Pauline doled out some food and water for the dogs and made polite chitchat with Heike before taking them out for a walk. When she returned she found Seb's mother still pottering around the kitchen killing time.

Pauline watched the dogs have a drink of water before settling in their baskets. She smiled at Heike giving the sink a wipe down.

“I'm pretty sure that's my job.”

“Oh sorry, it's automatic.”

Heike put the cloth down and turned around to look at Pauline.

“I've been trying to find things to do.”

“Seb still not up?”

“No, he... Well I think he needs the sleep, so I don't want to wake him,” explained Heike.

Pauline nodded.

“I'm sure that's right. I'd imagine he'll get up when he's hungry. Can I do anything to help? I was going to have a little clean up like I normally do, but it seems you've beaten me to it.”

“Would you like a cup of tea? If you've not got to dash off?” offered Heike.

Pauline had been expecting to spend her time doing some housework, she thought she might as well stay, especially seeing as Sebastian's mother seemed to want someone to talk to. It seemed Heike had excellent English just as her sons did, then again that was a good job seeing as Pauline had next to no German.

 

They sat down at the kitchen table with their drinks.

“How is Seb? He's alright apart from needing sleep isn't he?” checked Pauline.

“Mm, well, he's...”

Heike sighed and set down her tea.

“I take it you know about the concussion and everything.”

Pauline nodded.

“He gets these terrible headaches and he's not himself at all.”

“Poor thing, no wonder he's sleeping. You must be very worried. I can't imagine how it's been for you,” sympathised Pauline.

“Yes,” admitted Heike. “I suppose this was what I've always worried about, with Seb's racing, you know?”

“It's so dangerous what they do.”

“It is.”

“Sorry, I'm probably not helping. I'm sure he'll get better. How's your youngest? It must have been hard for him.”

Heike nodded confirmation.

“He wanted to come, but he's missed enough school.”

“Such a nice polite boy. They all are.”

“Thank you. Not always quite so polite at home of course, Fabian that is, Sebastian is now he's grown up obviously.”

“That's kids for you.”

“Do you have a family?” wondered Heike.

“There's my husband Henry at home and we have one boy; Tom, he's grown up now too of course,” explained Pauline.

“Oh and how old is he?”

“Thirty-two. It seems almost unbelievable how fast it goes, seems only five minutes since he was at university.”

“I know what you mean,” agreed Heike. “And what does he do?”

“He's a structural engineer, of some kind. To be honest I couldn't tell you what he actually does.”

“Sounds very clever. You must be proud.”

“We are, of course, but I do wish we saw him more.”

“Oh?”

“He lives in Canada. He went out to study and ended up getting a job there, then he met a girl...” Pauline shrugged. “She's from over there. They got married and well, I don't think they're likely to move back.”

“Oh I'm sorry, that must be hard,” sympathised Heike.

Pauline gave her a smile.

“You know what it's like don't you?”

“Yes I suppose I do. It's hard that Seb lives so far away, but we do see more of him these days.”

“Well that's good.”

“Yes, and we have our other children living in Germany, so we're very lucky really. Would you not consider moving out there?”

“Oh, well...”

“Sorry, it's none of my business,” retracted Heike.

“No no, it's fine. Hmm, we have considered it, but I think we're just too old to up sticks now. We've lived around here all our lives. I couldn't imagine moving to another country. I don't know, maybe if they had children, but they're both very committed to their careers so I don't think that's on the cards any time soon,” Pauline explained.

“I see, yes. I think I'd struggle moving myself. I'm not sure how Seb does it, but he seems very happy here.”

Pauline smiled.

“Ah well I think we know why that is.”

Heike nodded, she did know.

“I try to keep an eye on them,” added Pauline. “I always hope someone would do the same for my boy.”

“I'm sure they appreciate it, I know they do. I do too as a matter of fact.”

“Well thank you, I mean they're my employers of course but it doesn't feel that way somehow. I'm very fond of them.”

Heike nodded thanks and thought how glad she was that there was someone here watching out for them. It occurred to her how much Sebastian and Mark must trust Pauline for her to be such a part of the household. No doubt she knew what was going on with the two of them before they had told their families, and long before the papers did.

 

They sipped their drinks companionably for a few moments before Pauline spoke up.

“Are you sure there's nothing I can do for you? I keep wishing I could do more to help.”

“Oh no, thank you but I think all we can do is wait while Seb gets better. He's sleeping a lot, but if that's what he needs...”

Heike shook her head.

“It must be very hard for you worrying about him.”

“Well that's what mothers do isn't it?”

“True.”

Heike sighed.

“It is hard to see him this way. He seems so set back, so very young.”

“I'm sure that's the concussion,” consoled Pauline.

“Well yes, but...”

Heike looked over.

“I know that's it, but it's still hard to see. It's almost like when he was little.”

She shook her head a fraction.

“I probably shouldn't be telling you all this.”

“Why not? I'm not going to repeat it to anyone,” assuaged Pauline.

“No of course.”

Heike took another drink. The boys trusted Pauline, surely she could trust her too? It would be a relief to talk with someone who wasn't pulling her up for fussing and over-reacting for once.

 

Heike looked up at Pauline and dived in.

“It's like he's slipped all the way back to when Seb was tiny. He was such a clingy baby you know, and he was still anxious as a toddler. His big sisters doted on him, but he got so upset when he couldn't keep up with them. He always tried too hard and they used to tease Seb. I know they never meant any harm, it's just how kids are, but I think it knocked his confidence. He wouldn't even go to be held by babysitters.”

Heike gave Pauline a regretful shrug.

“It was a bit of a nightmare really. I don't know, maybe I made it worse. I gave Seb all my time once the girls were at school and it was just the two of us at home.”

Heike smiled fondly as she recalled Sebastian as he had been when he was small.

“He was such a beautiful little boy, I adored him. Maybe I spoiled him, Norbert, that's my husband, he used to say I did, but I couldn't help myself. When Sebastian was unhappy he was terrible, but when he was happy, ah Seb was like a little ray of sunshine, all those blonde curls and that big smile, he charmed everyone who met him as long as you didn't make the mistake of letting Seb realise you'd left him alone with anyone. Of course I should have realised that Kindergärten was going to be a disaster; He cried and cried until he made himself sick and they had to call me to come and get him. Norbert said we just had to let him get used to it, but it was the same every day and I couldn't stand it. I stopped sending him for a while and...”

Heike shook her head.

“... we had some rows over that. My husband said I wasn't helping and Sebastian had to grow up. He was three, I mean _really_ , but I suppose he was right in some ways, I couldn't keep Seb my baby forever. Then Norbert had the idea of getting Seb that little go-kart.”

She gave Pauline a wry smile.

“If I'd known all the trouble that present would cause... But he was right, Sebastian just loved that little kart. He was thrilled to find out he could make it go and do all the things he wanted it to. Norbert made obstacles for a track and Sebi drove round and round and round, and... his little face, oh he was such a beautiful little boy Pauline, those big blue eyes and golden hair and those little round cheeks, he was lovely, such a lovely little boy, all the other mothers were jealous.”

Pauline smiled.

“Sounds just the same as he is now.”

Heike smiled back.

“Yes, I suppose he is in many ways. Anyway I had to concede my husband was right and that little go-kart did wonders for Seb's confidence. He wouldn't let his sisters anywhere near it of course. He started going to Kindergärten again and he was doing so much better; You could see the transformation in him, really it was wonderful. Seb was so much happier and he grew into such a chatty little boy and you know I really do think it was down to that kart. As he got older he still spent all the time he could playing with it out on the drive in front of the house and Norbert decided to let him have a go with a bigger one at a real track and he loved it. I was terrified of course, but Seb was good, I had to admit it, and he was so excited. It's always been so difficult to say no to Seb when he asks something of you. So I agreed to him competing and he _was_ good, better than good: Seb started winning everything and he got to spend lots of time with his dad which was nice and I suppose it was nice for me to spend those Saturdays with the girls instead.”

It was all going well, almost too well really. Just as Sebastian was getting settled having moved up to big school, I found out I was expecting again which, I have to be honest, wasn't really wasn't part of the plan. A blessing of course, but well, anyway, it was a big gap to the others. The girls were teenagers and already a handful, only as any girls are at that age, but they were hard work, all those moods and door slamming rows and I wasn't up to it at all, so I was glad that Norbert took Seb off my hands with his karting getting more serious. Then Fabian came along and to be honest, I think I'd forgotten what work babies are. I was exhausted all the time. The girls were running rings around me and Seb, poor little Seb who was used to being the apple of my eye. I had no time for him at all. It was a screaming baby and nappies and night feeds on one side and arguments over parties and homework and boys on the other...”

Heike let out a long sigh.

“...I think Seb was lost in the middle of it all. So when Norbert told me that a proper team wanted to sponsor Sebastian and put him in a real racing programme, I thought it would be good for him to have more attention paid to him. Of course we were pleased that he had such an opportunity when we could never have afforded to keep him racing at the level he deserved and naturally Seb was so excited about it. I mean I did have my concerns. He was so young.”

“How old was he?” enquired Pauline.

“Twelve. Oh I know, looking back he was far too young, but at the time I pushed aside those concerns and went along with it. I had so much to contend with, it felt as though I didn't get my head above the water level until Fabian was past being a baby and by then Seb was so involved with his racing and all the programme had him doing, that I really felt as though he had drifted away from us, from me at any rate. I didn't understand all he had to do. It was a lot of work on top of school, but he seemed to love it, so I couldn't stand in his way.”

“He grew up so fast though. It seemed like one moment he was our little boy with his fun hobby and the next he was being groomed to be a champion. The races got bigger and the karts faster, then Seb was off competing in other countries. It was as though everything was on fast-forward and before I knew it, Seb was racing in cars when he wasn't even old enough to take a driving lesson. Next thing they had him in a real championship with much older boys when he was only fifteen. Seb seemed to take it all in his stride, but he was hardly ever home and when he was he just didn't seem to talk to us any more. I thought it was just the usual teenage phase, but then before he had chance to really grow up, Sebastian was all the way in formula one. Off whizzing around the world, dealing with the press and living away from home and I was so worried about him. Worried he was working too hard and worried we barely saw him any more and so worried he would hurt himself.”

Pauline had let Heike run on getting it all out, but as she started speaking faster and faster getting more upset Pauline saw she was crying and found a tissue to pass over.

“Sorry,” sniffed Heike. “I don't know what you must think of me going on like this.”

“No no dear. This crash must have been your worst fear.”

“Yes. I mean Seb has crashed before of course, even been injured before, but never this bad. I was so frightened. We lost him for so long while he drifted away and it feels as though we've only been getting to know our real son again over the past year and we could have lost him for good.”

“But you _didn’t,_ ” stated Pauline firmly.

“I know, but...”

 

Heike blew her nose and tried to recover herself. She hadn't meant to spill everything out like that to a virtual stranger, but Pauline was so friendly and she seemed kind. Heike hadn't realised how much she had been holding back.

“It's been awful, I know, but I'm sure he'll be okay,” calmed Pauline.

Heike nodded, still distressed.

“And now he's almost like a little boy again. Oh Pauline, Seb was so upset last night, I couldn't bear it. He was crying and he wanted Mark and I know that's down to the concussion and he's not himself, but it's terrible to see.”

“It must be.”

“He gets such headaches and I'm not sure the painkillers do any more than send him to sleep. He should have stayed in the hospital in Italy, but then there was that terrible business with the papers.”

Pauline gave an angry shake of her head.

“I know what I'd like to do with the person who took that picture.”

“Me too,” agreed Heike. “How anyone could do that? I just don't understand these people.”

“It beggars belief.”

“Seb was so upset he insisted on leaving. I don't think the doctors really wanted him to, but then he didn't want to stay at ours and insisted on Mark taking him all the way home. I knew it was a bad idea and then we get a call saying he's back in hospital again,” ran on Heike.

“That must have been terrible.”

“He didn't even want us to come. Said he didn't want a fuss,” bemoaned Heike.

“I'm sure you were very worried.”

“And now he's home and I am glad to be here, but I know it's Mark he really wants.”

“I'm sure Mark wants to be here, but you know what they're like. Nothing will stop them. There's been times this year when I thought Seb ought not to have gone to a race, but he always went,” recounted Pauline. “They push themselves too hard.”

“That's certainly true. I'm always saying that, but they say I just don't understand the way these things work.”

“Well I have to admit I don't understand their world. I mean it does seem very unfair that Mark should have to go off so soon,” agreed Pauline.

“No, well...”

“I'm sure he would have rather stayed with him. Mark adores that boy, Seb I mean.” Pauline caught Heike's eye and realised what she had said. “Oh I know he's not a boy...”

Heike nodded.

“It's okay, Seb has a baby-face, I forget myself sometimes how old he is now.”

“Well anyway, what I mean is you should know Mark really does think the world of Seb. He's like a new person since Seb came here and Seb too of course, it's really lovely to see how happy they've made one another.”

Pauline smiled to think of the transformation she had witnessed.

“Those two, they love the bones of each other. You only have to spend five minutes with them to know that. You mustn't think Mark would have left Seb behind unless he had to. I just don't believe it,” stated Pauline firmly.

“I know,” agreed Heike. “Sebastian says Mark didn't really have any choice but to go. That's strictly between us of course.”

“Of course,” confirmed Pauline. “Ah, oh dear, poor Mark.”

“Yes, it's a bad business. I don't really think Mark was fit to go anywhere. I think if his own mother was here she'd have put a stop to it.”

“Have you met her, Mark's mother?”

“Oh, well briefly I think at a race sometime, I vaguely remember being introduced to Mark's family a few years ago, but of course they weren't together then.”

“No. She must be worried being so far away.”

“Yes, I suppose she must. I'd like to speak to her really, I think we must both be thinking much the same thing on opposite sides of the world.”

“I suspect they both need their mothers at the moment,” agreed Pauline.

 

Pauline thought back to that beaten shadow of a boy that had washed up here all that time ago, he had blossomed so nicely and now when Mark had brought Seb home a few days ago he seemed faded again. Tired eyed and pale, Seb had been tucked so tightly under Mark's arm on the sofa, and Mark had looked like a shattered reflection of the confident outgoing young man she knew. It broke her heart to see it.

Pauline let out a sad sigh.

“Oh dear. I suspect we'll just have to take care of the pair of them when Mark gets back.”

“I suppose we will. I do wonder whether I ought not to call Mark's parents. I don't suppose he's told them half of what he's been going through. You know he wouldn't leave Sebastian's side for a moment in the hospital,” Heike explained.

“That doesn't surprise me.”

“No, well I suppose we'll just have to wait for him to come back.”

 _And hope he's still in one piece,_ Pauline didn't add.

 

Heike finished the last of her tea.

“Do you want another drink?” she offered.

“Oh, no I really should be getting on,” excused Pauline.

Heike got up and put her cup by the sink, accepting Pauline's as she offered it. She hadn't meant to let out so much, but Pauline was clearly a good listener and Heike had found herself instantly accepting her assurances that she wouldn't repeat what she had said to anyone.

“I suppose I'd better go check on Seb, see if he's awake and whether I can't persuade him to eat something.”

“Yes, well I hope he feels better. Thank you for the tea.”

“Thank you for listening to me. It's so good to be able to talk to someone who understands.”

Pauline smiled and nodded.

“Well I'll be back tomorrow.”

“Good, perhaps if you're not too busy you can stay and tell me a bit more about your boy. You must miss him.”

“I do. Well till tomorrow then. Oh do you need me to pick you anything up? Bread or milk or anything?”

“Oh, no, thank you, I think we're well supplied.”

 

Pauline let herself out and walked towards her car. She sat in it for a moment before setting off. Sebastian's mother seemed nice, if clearly rather overwrought after everything that had been happening lately. It was obvious how much she loved her son and Pauline felt guilty that she could ever have thought differently. It seemed odd now that Seb had come here all that time ago instead of going to his parents, but then he must have had his reasons. Perhaps he had been ashamed of his situation and thought his family wouldn't understand. Pauline wondered if they really knew how bad Seb had been when he first arrived and what she suspected had gone on to bring him here. Surely not, or she couldn't imagine now that Heike wouldn't have been over long before now. Those boys took too much on themselves. It seemed they still were. Pauline hoped against hope that Mark was alright and would be home soon with Sebastian where he belonged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next morning Mark woke up with a banging headache and a stiff neck. He was just getting some more paracetamol and rubbing at his face to try to wake himself up when his phone buzzed with a text message. He expected it to be Sebastian or maybe Jenson, but when he looked it was his boss.

ANDREAS: Hope I didn't just wake you, but can I come over to have a word, say half an hour?

Mark frowned wondering what this could be about, but texted an affirmative reply then jumped in the shower. He was starving now, having not eaten since being on the flight out yesterday, but breakfast would have to wait.

 

 

Shortly after eight am there was a knock on his door and Mark let an awkward looking Andreas into his room. One look at Mark and Andreas could see what Jenson had meant yesterday; Mark looked terrible and Andreas wondered how it could be that he had been so preoccupied yesterday that he hadn't seen how bad he was.

“Mark, I'm sorry I didn't have time to speak with you properly yesterday. How are you doing?” started Andreas.

Mark stood there feeling as awkward as Andreas looked.

“I, umm, bit better for some sleep I guess.”

“Mm, and Sebastian, how is he? Have you spoken to him since you got here?”

“Yeah, I spoke to him last night.”

Mark wondered where this was going. He really didn't much want to talk. He just wanted to keep his head down and get on with things, preferably without thinking about anything other than the task immediately to hand.

“And he's okay?”

“Yeah. I mean not great obviously, but yeah...”

Andreas could see Mark's reticence. It was up to him to do this.

“Okay, listen Mark, this is my fault. I failed to communicate with you properly...”

“I'm sorry I didn't pick up your calls,” interrupted Mark.

“No, that's okay, but I should have thought through what I said to you in those messages, I'm not going to blame this on the language barrier, I didn't say what I should have.”

Mark frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Mark if you need to be with Seb after what's happened, there's nothing more important for you to be doing right now.”

 

Mark ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes for a second. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He felt like crying.

“I'm so sorry,” apologised Andreas, feeling worse at seeing Mark's reaction.

“This is entirely my fault. If we as a team have made you feel as though you aren't valued and that you aren't worthy of the same consideration any other driver, then that is our fault, my fault, and I'm sorry.”

Mark huffed out a shaky breath.

“So what are you saying?”

“I'm saying I shouldn't have pushed you to say you were coming this weekend. I should have told you not to come. To be honest Mark I suspect you're in no shape to race anyway. I should have thought about this before we got here, but the truth is I was so caught up with the team's preparations for the weekend that's all I was really thinking about and that is my failure.”

 

Mark felt suddenly wobbly. He sat down on the bed too quickly. All this, everything he'd been torturing himself over leaving Seb to come here to race and now his boss was saying he shouldn't have bothered.

Andreas looked worried and went to sit by him.

“Mark, are you alright?”

Mark puffed out a breath.

“Mark?”

“Yeah.”

“You're okay?”

“Yeah. I just... I mean I'm here now,” Mark let out in a deflated voice.

 

Andreas frowned in confusion.

“Are you saying you want to stay?”

Mark didn't answer. A part of him thought that after all he'd gone though to make himself come here he might as well actually stay and race to make it worthwhile.

“Mark where is it you really need to be right now?” pressed Andreas.

Mark's face went tighter. There was only one answer to that.

“If you are worrying about the board, don't. I'm sorry to have given you the impression that your seat is under threat, if that's the reason you're here then don't let it be.”

Mark gave a defeated sigh.

“Andreas if I don't race this weekend... I'll be letting everyone down.”

“We'll cope Mark. Indispensable as you are, we will manage.”

“And what will the board say?”

“I told you not to worry about that.”

“Yeah, well I do.”

“That's my fault. I'll deal with it. I promise you, if you can't race I will handle the board, there won't be any repercussions for you. I know that there have been issues, but I will speak to Matthias and it'll be alright. He is actually a human being at the end of the day.”

 

Mark looked at his boss for a moment, trying to assess what he was saying.

“I appreciate that you have come all this way Mark, but where do you really feel you ought to be?”

Mark suddenly didn't care about anything else.

“Home.”

The word alone made him want to cry.

 

“Yes,” agreed Andreas sadly. “Of course. I can't believe that I didn't appreciate this ahead of time so I could have saved you all this. It's my fault and I apologise.”

“I'm sorry. I should have said. I should have picked up your calls and told you, I just...”

Mark shrugged wearily.

“I put you in an impossible position Mark. I only hope you can forgive me. We'll sort all this out, I give you my word.”

Mark tipped back his head and closed his eyes again trying to compose himself before looking back.

“What will you do?”

“Like I said, I'll talk to Matthias. He's not a monster Mark, he will understand.”

“No I mean for the race?”

“Oh, well Timo and Brendon can manage, it won't be the first time for a team.”

“Ah hell, I'm sorry. I'll apologise to them.”

Andreas shook his head.

“You've nothing to apologise for, but by all means speak to them. If you could let me have a word first?”

“Sure.”

“And I'll speak to logistics, they can sort out getting you back,” assured Andreas.

 

Mark felt a weight on him despite all his boss's promises and Andreas could see it in his face.

“It'll be alright Mark, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. I'll get things sorted and we'll get you on the first flight back to England.”

“Thank you.”

“Okay, well by the look of you, you could do with a decent meal. So get some breakfast and give me a chance to put wheels in motion and I'll be in touch to work things out.”

 

Mark nodded assent and Andreas stood up, Mark following.

“We can talk some time after the weekend, but in the meantime, as well as Seb, I rather suspect you need some rest too Mark, okay?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Andreas took another look at him, seeing once again how sick and tired he looked. If Mark had insisted he wanted to stay Andreas thought he might have had to tell Mark he was in no physical condition to take part in the race and send him home anyway, but it was better as Mark's choice.

“And Mark, well we can talk about this down the road, but what I've said doesn't just apply to this weekend. If you need to be with Seb to look after him, then that is where you need to be. I don't want you worrying about anything else and frankly I don't think you'd be much good to us if you're needed elsewhere anyway, alright?”

“Yeah, okay, I mean I really don't know how he's going to be.”

“Exactly, so let's not worry about that, we'll see how things go.”

“Thanks.”

“Just promise me you'll talk to me and tell me honestly what you need to be doing, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Andreas nodded, shook Mark's hand and left him feeling as if he'd been scooped up in a whirlwind then dumped down again. As soon as the door shut behind his boss, Mark sat back down on the bed and flopped back. His head was spinning, things had happened so fast. It was almost unbelievable; after everything he'd put himself through to get here, he was going home.

 

 

 

After five minutes of calming down Mark went and splashed some more cold water on his face then went down to get some food. He saw Jenson sitting at a table and went to join him.

Jenson looked across at him uncomfortably.

“Mark. How are you doing?”

“Honestly I'm not sure I could even tell you right now,” admitted Mark.

Jenson paused, then ploughed on.

“Did Andreas speak to you?”

Mark raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yes. Was that you?”

“Don't hate me.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“I don't hate you.”

“I just said what I had to. I only told him what he knows already, or what he ought to know. I didn't tell him, you know, everything you said about Seb, I wouldn't do that,” defended Jenson.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah I know you wouldn't.”

“I just...” Jenson sighed and shrugged. “I had to speak to him.”

Mark nodded again, a tiny part of his brain wondered if he should be annoyed by Jenson talking to their boss without telling him, but all he really felt was relief.

“So what's happening then?” wondered Jenson.

“I'm going home.”

“Oh thank god.”

Jenson sounded almost more relieved than Mark felt.

“I'm sorry,” continued Jenson. “You've every right to be pissed off with me going behind your back, but I wouldn't have done it if...”

“If you weren't my friend,” completed Mark.

 

They looked at one another for a moment then a waitress appeared to take Mark's order for breakfast and he was distracted. Over breakfast Mark told Jenson of his conversation with their boss on the understanding that it wouldn't go any further. Once they had finished up Mark excused himself to go to sort himself out and get a few minutes to speak to his team-mates while he waited to hear what the arrangements were.

He texted Jenson that he was packed up and due to get a taxi to the airport shortly so Jenson nipped back upstairs to catch another moment with Mark before he really did need to get to the track for the first of the team's preparation meetings.

 

Jenson stood in his doorway.

“So you're off then?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Okay, well give Seb our love, yeah? Jess says you're to let us know when we can come over, but not before you're ready, alright?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah will do.”

“Have you told him that you're heading back?”

“I tried ringing, got no answer. Guess he must be sleeping again. If he's taken the painkillers they pretty much knock him for six, so...”

“Ah right, well never mind, you're going back that's all that matters.”

“Yeah. I'll try him again in a bit.”

“Okay, well guess I'd better let you go and I'm gonna be late so...”

“Thanks Jense.”

“We're alright aren't we?”

“Don't be daft, course we are. Thank you for being such a good friend.”

Jenson shrugged.

“I'm sure you'd have done the same.”

Mark nodded.

“I hope so.”

“Okay, you'll listen to Andreas and not come back too soon won't you?”

“Yeah. I'll try actually talking to him this time instead of sticking my head in the sand hoping the problem would go away. I've been such an idiot.”

Jenson shook his head.

“Like you said; you've been steamrollered. Now go home to Seb and don't come back until you're _both_ better. Do you hear me?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Good. Don't make me set Jessy on you.”

Mark smiled and let himself be pulled into a warm hug.

“I'll see you soon.”

“Yeah. Take care of yourself,” signed off Jenson.

Mark gave him a steady look.

“Thank you.”

Jenson gave him another nod and a hug before taking his leave feeling more glad than ever that he had done the right thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark sat at the airport in Austin waiting for his flight. He tried ringing Seb's phone again but still got no answer. He tried to work out what time it would be in the UK; half past five. Maybe Seb had been napping this afternoon? Mark tried not to worry that it was anything else, but he couldn't help fretting. Maybe he was losing his mind with all this? Surely if there was a problem Sebastian's mother would have called him? Mark drummed his fingers on the armrest of the chair he sat in then decided to ring Heike. The number rang for a moment then she answered.

“Mark?”

“Hi, umm sorry for ringing. I've been calling Seb but I got no answer. Is he asleep?” asked Mark trying not too anxious.

“Yes he got up for lunch but he said his head was hurting pretty bad so he just took his painkillers again and went up to bed.”

Mark hated hearing that Sebastian was suffering, but at least it was nothing worse than they were sadly used to.

“Right, okay.”

Heike could hear the weight in Mark's voice.

“He seemed pretty wiped out, so I think he just needs to sleep. I've been up to check on him a few times,” assured Heike.

“Oh course, yes thank you.”

“Are you alright Mark?” wondered Heike, sensing that there was more to this conversation.

“Erm, yeah, kind of, I mean, yes.”

Mark didn't feel anything like 'alright' but he would be soon.

“I'm coming home.”

 

Heike pulled the phone from her ear and stared at it for a moment in surprise at what she had just heard. She put it back so she could speak.

“You're coming home?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Now. Well, my flight's in about half an hour.”

Heike shook her head, trying to process that.

“What do you mean? I don't understand.”

“I'll explain when I get back.”

“So you're not racing?”

“No. It's a bit of a long story, well sort of, anyway yes I'm coming home. I just, I wanted to tell Seb, but I guess if he's asleep...”

“Do you want me to wake him?” enquired Heike, still wondering what was going on.

“Oh no no, don't wake him. Leave him to sleep. You're right, that's what he needs. Just... if he gets up or whatever, then if you could let him know?”

“Of course dear, but...”

“Tell him not to worry, it's all okay.”

“Right, well, you're sure you don't want me to go get him?”

“No don't, I'll be home soon enough. If his head is bad the last thing he needs is to be woken up, so please don't,” worried Mark.

“No, alright then. You're sure everything's alright?”

“I...” Mark sighed. “Yeah. I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry Heike.”

Heike frowned, completely confused as to what Mark was saying.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I've been so stupid. I'm sorry. I can't really explain over the phone.”

“But you're okay?”

“I will be when I get home,” Mark admitted.

 

Mark's attention was pulled away by an announcement that his flight was ready to board.

“I've got to go, they're calling my flight.”

“Oh, okay.”

Heike was still at a loss.

“When will you be back?”

Mark tried to work out the time-difference, but his head was fried.

“Early hours.”

Mark was already hitching his bag onto his shoulder and standing as he made ready to head to his gate.

“Shall I wait up?”

“Oh, no. By the time I get back from the airport it'll probably be morning, early morning, five-ish maybe, I'm not sure.”

“Ah, okay then, well... You're sure you're okay Mark?”

Heike didn't think he sounded right to her.

“Yeah. Don't let Seb worry if he does wake up will you?” Mark requested anxiously.

“No, alright, no of course I won't.”

“I've really got to go.”

“Okay, well don't worry about Seb dear, I think he's just going to sleep through.”

Mark nodded dumbly, wishing he could magic himself home to instantly be where he needed to be.

“Thank you. I'll see you soon.”

“Yes, alright, well okay then, bye Mark.”

Heike hung up and furrowed her brow at the phone. What on earth was going on now?

 

 

 

As Mark walked through airport towards the gate for his flight he sent Sebastian a text message so Seb wouldn't worry if he woke and saw the missed calls on his phone and tried to ring back while Mark's phone was switched off on the plane.

MARK: Don't be mad at me darling, but I'm coming home. Tried ringing. Yr mum says yr asleep & I didn’t want to wake you. I'll explain when I see you. It's all ok, I promise. I love you.

 

Sebastian's phone buzzed quietly on the bedstand sat by his bottle of painkillers, but Seb didn't hear it, the duvet mostly covered his head and he was fast asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark hoped that the taxi pulling away on the drive wouldn't disturb the occupants of the house as he let himself in under cover of darkness. He shut the front door quietly, but the hall floor creaked as he set down his bags and he stopped midway through pulling his jacket off to see the kitchen door open and Heike emerge. It was barely half past five in the morning and Mark hadn't been expecting to see anyone up, so it made him jump.

“Sorry,” apologised Heike quietly.

Mark shook his head finished removing his jacket and pushed off his shoes so he didn't make any noise, then walked over to her so that they could speak without raising their voices.

“You didn't wait up?” asked Mark.

“No no, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I've just made a pot of tea. Will you have a drink?”

Heike thought Mark seemed in need of one. Even in the dim light coming from the kitchen into the unlit hallway she could see the strain on his face. She had no doubt Mark wanted to go up to Seb, but he was fast asleep and Heike wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on before he disappeared off.

 

Mark felt it would be rude to refuse and in truth he could use a decent cup of tea, the one he had recently consumed on the flight had been really quite genuinely awful, but then he had been travelling on an American airline so it wasn't all that surprising. Maybe taking a moment to adjust to being at home after the stress of travelling wouldn't be a bad idea rather than running up the stairs to disturb Seb when he must be asleep. Mark slumped down into a chair at the kitchen table and waited while Heike poured them both a mug-full.

Heike let him take a few sips before starting off.

“Your flight was alright?”

“Mm.”

Mark glanced back towards the hallway.

“Seb's slept right through, he's still asleep, I just checked on him,” explained Heike, seeing where his gaze was.

“He didn't wake up at all?”

“No I don't think so. Or at least, if he did I didn't see him. I have been keeping an eye on him.”

Mark nodded, trying not to worry over the fact that seemed like a very long time for Sebastian to be asleep.

“He's been alright though?”

Heike paused as she regarded Mark, then decided to tell him.

“Well he's been sleeping lots, but I'm afraid before that he worked himself up into a bit of a state.”

 

Mark's heart seized with guilt. He stared down at his mug of tea feeling terrible before braving looking up at Sebastian's mother.

“I'm so sorry Heike. I should never have gone. What you must think of me... You must hate me for thinking I could leave him like this?”

Heike shook her head, but Mark was unravelling fast.

“I've been such an idiot.”

“Mark,” tried Heike.

Mark shook his head again, his hand going to cover his face as he sagged down at feeling the weight of everything he had done wrong and how it must have hurt Seb.

“I've been so stupid, everything I've done has gone wrong, everything... All I've done is make things worse for him. You must think I don't love Seb at all.”

 

Mark took a shaky breath in and although he tried to stop himself doing so in front of Seb's mother, he started crying, his face still buried in his hand. Heike sighed and shifted her chair around so she could sit by him, putting a hand on his arm.

“Oh Mark, come on now, I don't hate you, of course not. I know how much you love Seb.”

Mark tried to wipe at his face and looked at her.

“How can I? How could I have left him when he needs me most? How could I do that?”

“He told me. Seb said you had to go.”

Mark shook his head.

“I shouldn't have gone. No matter what, I shouldn't have gone.”

“Seb told me you didn't have any choice.”

“I did though. It shouldn't have mattered what the consequences were, I shouldn't have left him.”

“Ah now Mark, you didn't _want_ to go, did you?”

“No.”

“So then. Stop beating yourself up. You've come home now anyway.”

“But that's the worst of it. I didn't even need to go. If I hadn't been such a coward, if I hadn't avoided talking to Andreas. I just, I just couldn't face it. I let this happen. I've been so stupid, so fucking stupid.”

Mark took a gulp of air in and realised he had sworn.

“Sorry.”

Heike shook her head, dismissing it.

“Who is Andreas?”

“My boss. He sent me home. If I'd just talked to him instead of trying to hide away, I'd never have had to go in the first place.”

“He sent you home?”

Heike hoped that didn't mean that Porsche had dismissed him.

“Yeah.”

“You don't mean dropping you from the team?” worried Heike.

“Hm? No, no it's okay, not that. He just... he came to see me and he... he said if I needed to come home I should go.”

“Oh. And what about Porsche then? Seb told me... well he said there'd been problems.”

Mark nodded sadly.

“Andreas says he'll take care of it.”

“Ah I see.”

Mark took in a shuddery breath.

“If only I'd spoken to him first, but I think I was too afraid to face it. I was a coward, I just couldn't handle it. I've not been handling anything. I've made such a mess of things.”

 

Heike had never imagined seeing Mark like this. He was always so stoic. All through the aftermath of Seb's accident Mark had been so strong and steadfast for Sebastian, she hadn't realised what it had been costing him. Heike had no idea that underneath that solid façade, Mark had been crumbling under the weight of it all.

Mark's head bowed as he thought of all the mistakes he had made and how he had made everything worse and how horribly tired he was of carrying all this guilt around.

“I was too afraid to say what I needed to, to Andreas, and even though I knew it was wrong, I went anyway, and I brought Seb home when he wasn't ready and it put him back in hospital. I knew that was wrong too, I knew you were right, I knew he wasn't well enough to travel, but I did it anyway. I was trying to help him, but I made it worse. He could have been really hurt by that, could have been back in a coma or, or worse...”

Mark dragged in a breath to keep berating himself.

“I've been so stupid. Everything I've done has been wrong. I knew it and I did it anyway. I don't know what's the matter with me. I just keep making mistake after mistake and making things worse and hurting him. I keep hurting Seb and I can't stand it, I hate myself.”

 

Mark was sobbing and Heike sat in stunned horror for another moment before pulling him into a hug that Mark was unable to resist.

“No no, come on now, none of that.”

She rubbed his back, sighing to herself at the state of him. She'd been right; Mark had been in no condition to go away, in no condition to be doing anything, never mind making big decisions.

“Ah dear. You boys, you silly boys. Why won't you ask for help?”

Mark sat up, brushing at his face.

“Hm?”

“You and Seb, you dig yourselves into holes. Why do you take so much on yourselves?”

Mark shrugged unhappily, still trying to get past all the guilty worries tumbling through his mind. Heike watched the gesture, thinking how like her son Mark was in ways she had never seen before.

 

“Seb told me you were worried about what the team would do if you didn't go to the race. He told me he said you should go. Is that right?”

Mark nodded.

“You were too worried to ask them to let you stay home?”

“I was a coward,” sniffed Mark.

“No dear, I think you were in a very difficult position and you weren't in any shape to be thinking about such things.”

“I was so selfish, worrying about my own career when I should have been taking care of Seb.”

“Well Seb said he told you to go.”

“He did, but I shouldn't have listened.”

“That doesn't sound selfish to me. Of course you should listen to him, but you must know why he did it?”

“I...”

Mark shook his head not knowing how to reconcile what Heike was saying and took another sharp breath in.

“Mark, surely you know what he's like? You know Seb's terrible for saying what he thinks people want to hear?”

“Not to me. He's not meant to do that with _me_.”

Heike rubbed his arm.

“He was worried for you.”

“I didn't want him to worry. I tried not to let him. I shouldn't even have told Seb about the race. I didn't mean to, but... I couldn't lie to him.”

“No. Ah Mark, what a mess you got yourself in.”

 

Mark put his hands either side of his head and pressed them into his temples.

“I can't think, I just can't think right any more,” he admitted.

“You've been taking far too much on yourself.”

“I'm meant to take care of him.”

Heike frowned and thought of all Mark had been carrying lately.

“And who takes care of you?”

Mark let the tears run down his cheeks as he shrugged unhappily.

“Mark you can't take everything on yourself. You can't keep doing that sweetheart, you're making yourself ill.”

“I'm so tired. I can't do it any more. I just... I can't...”

 

Mark didn’t think he could even form words any more. He folded his arms onto the table and sank his head down onto them. He was so exhausted Mark thought he could almost close his eyes and fall asleep there. Heike let him stay that way for moment, wondering how it could have come to this that she had one boy then the other push themselves to the point of falling apart right in front of her. She put a hand on Mark's back and tried to get his attention.

“Come on, sit up and listen to me.”

Mark did as he was told and forced himself up to look at Heike.

“Now then. You've got to stop punishing yourself for trying to do the right thing.”

“I failed him.”

“Nonsense.”

“I did.”

Heike held up a hand to stop him.

“No. Mark listen to me. Maybe you've made mistakes, but I'm sure every one of them from the best of intentions. You've tried to do what Seb asked of you, you've tried to do what your team wanted, you've run yourself ragged for everybody else and never taken a moment for yourself. You never left Seb in the hospital and god only knows how you did it for all that time when most people would have been on the floor. Quite how Porsche were idiotic enough to ask you to race after everything you've been through is beyond me.”

Mark looked back at her, his face tight. Nothing Heike said was incorrect.

“You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders Mark. You've been carrying Seb and everyone else around you. You can't keep doing that.”

“It's not his fault.”

“Seb?”

“Yeah.”

“No I know that sweetheart. He's been hurt and that's on top of everything else Seb's been through this year, but you can't keep trying to take that all on you. You have to let people help you.”

Mark gave a tiny acquiescent nod and Heike nodded back.

“The two of you, you're as bad as each other. You won't tell people what's wrong until you're forced to, you keep on and on working too hard and taking too much on yourselves. Honestly Mark I think that's at least half of why you went trying to race; I think you're so used to coping and forcing yourself to keep going, I don't think you know how to stop.”

She looked at him seriously.

“You need to learn when it's okay not to be okay. Both of you. You need to know there are times it's not a failure to say it's too much. It's not a matter of giving up, it's just accepting that there are limits, even for you. Otherwise I don't know how you're going to carry on. You've got to think long-term, not just short-term, alright Mark?”

“Okay,” accepted Mark.

Heike pushed his mug back towards him.

“Now then, you need a proper rest, almost as much as Seb does. Are you going to let me stay and look after the pair of you for a bit?”

Mark took a sip of his drink.

“I guess.”

“Good. You've got to take care of yourself if you're going to look after Seb. We've been trying to tell you this.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“Never mind. What's done is done. Stop beating yourself up about decisions you were in no place to be taking Mark. Nobody would think you don't love Seb. I think you love him so much you've worn yourself into the ground over all this.”

“He does love me too, it's not normally like this. Seb does look after me as well, we look after each other.”

“Well of course you do. This isn't normal circumstances. You need to take a rest, give yourself a break and then we'll see if we can't get both of you back to normal.”

 

Mark took in deep settling breath. Everything Heike said made sense, although he hardly knew how she was being so kind to him and not blaming him for what had happened. She gave him another hug and Mark let her, secretly wishing that it was his own mother hugging him and feeling a little pathetic for it. Somehow Seb's mother sensed a little of what he was thinking.

“Have you spoken to your family lately Mark?”

“Not for a while.”

“Do they know everything that's been going on?”

“They know Seb was back in hospital and then we came home again.”

Mark looked down guiltily.

“I didn't tell them I was going to Austin,” he confessed.

Heike wasn't in the least surprised to hear it.

“I didn't want to worry them,” continued Mark, looking back.

That was a sadly familiar refrain to Heike's ears.

“You and Seb are far too alike. What do you think your mother would say if she was here?”

Mark gave a half shrug.

“Same as you probably.”

“I'd imagine so.”

“I think my sister would probably smack me upside the head for being such an idiot.”

Heike gave him a little smile.

“I don't think she would Mark. I think she would tell you to cut yourself some slack. Stop blaming yourself for everything and accept you're not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, me for one, I should have stepped in earlier.”

“We didn't let you,” allowed Mark.

“No, well, will you let me now, or do I have to call your mother?”

Mark gave a dry huff.

“There's a threat.”

“I mean it Mark.”

“Yeah okay. Yes, thank you. We do appreciate your help. I'm sorry if you felt we haven't.”

“Never mind that. Alright then, now you get some rest and don’t be worrying about anything else,” instructed Heike.

The idea of rest was incredibly appealing to Mark right now.

“Why don't you go on up then? I know someone who's going to be very pleased to see you...”

Heike gave him wry smile.

“...and I don't mean the dogs.”

“Yeah, okay. I should go to him. Thank you Heike.”

 

Mark stood, Heike copying him and giving him one last hug before he left. Heike picked up the mugs from the table and rinsed them out at the sink. She put her hands on the edge of the unit and leaned against it for a moment, puffing out a breath.

Thank heavens Mark was home, but even Heike hadn't expected him to be as bad as this when he got back. She wasn't going to let them go on doing this to themselves. Heike knew she had to take over for their own good, but now she needed to take her own advice and get some rest. She'd go to bed for an hour or two, even if it was only to lie down, then they could see where they went from here.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark walked back into the hall, still calming himself down. He looked at his bags lying where he had dumped them just inside the door and didn't have the strength to move them, so he left them abandoned there and headed on up. He went to the bathroom and took a few moments to sort himself out so he could feel marginally more human, washed his face and dried it so he didn't look quite as bad as he had when he walked in there.

Mark crossed the landing and carefully opened the bedroom door, making sure that he made no noise as he entered the room. He stood surveying the scene; Sebastian fast asleep, the dogs lying on the floor beside the bed as if guarding him. Mark smiled and ducked down by them seeing Shadow raise his head, whispering to them.

“Shh, good boy. Go back to sleep, it's okay, I'm home now.”

Mark stroked Shadow's head and gave him an approving nod as the dog lowered back down to go back to sleep, then rose to sit on the edge of the bed to give his attention to Sebastian. He looked down at him, thinking how peaceful he looked; softly sleeping, his beautiful Seb. Mark sighed, wondering yet again how on earth he could have left him. He reached out and very gently stroked Sebastian's hair, calming himself with the motion. Mark was careful to do it lightly, not wishing to wake him, but before long Sebastian stirred, feeling the touch of a hand upon his head.

Seb let out a little sigh and his eyes flickered open. He was expecting to see his mother sat there, maybe coming to see if he would come down to eat some dinner as Seb had no idea that he had slept through since mid-afternoon on the day before, but as Sebastian looked up he saw not his mum, but Mark. He took a deep breath and blinked a few times, sure that he must be still dreaming; it couldn't be Mark, he was in America.

 

Mark smiled at Seb, feeling happier than he had done in an age to be back with the person he loved.

“Hey,” greeted Mark softly as he looked down at him.

Sebastian turned his head to look at Mark directly and frowned as he tried to take it in.

“Mark?”

“Hey sweetheart. I didn't mean to wake you, sorry.”

“ _Mark_.”

Sebastian gasped as he finally understood that he wasn't imagining things and pushed himself upright to throw his arms around him, Mark putting his own arms back around Seb in turn, pressing their cheeks against one another’s. Mark closed his eyes tight and breathed Seb in, overwhelmed at feeling him in his arms, Seb's chest against his own. Mark wanted to crush Sebastian so tight, but he fought that urge, knowing how fragile Seb still was and held him tenderly, unable to speak for a moment. They had been apart for less than forty-eight hours, but it felt like an eternity.

 

Eventually Sebastian took a deep breath and pulled away to look at Mark. For a strange moment Seb wondered if his wish had come true and he really had slept for several days until Mark was due to come home on the Monday after the race weekend.

“When is it?” wondered Sebastian.

“Hm?”

Mark looked at his watch.

“Nearly six am.”

Seb frowned.

“When though?”

It took Mark a moment to comprehend before he recognised Sebastian's confusion.

“Friday, it's Friday sweetheart.”

“Oh.”

It took another moment for that to sink in for Sebastian.

“Friday? But... I don't understand, how are you here?”

“I came home.”

“What do you mean?”

“I came home. It's okay you don't need to worry,” pacified Mark.

“But Mark...”

Mark placed his hand at the side of Seb's face and looked at him carefully, hearing the alarm in Seb's voice.

“It's alright darling, it's really alright.”

“But...”

“Seb it's okay, I promise. Andreas sent me home.”

Mark looked at Sebastian and shook his head sadly.

“I've been so stupid darling, I should never have gone.”

 

He brushed away an escaping tear and Sebastian felt equally tearful at seeing Mark upset. The two were still sat barely an inch apart on the bed and Mark pulled him in again and spoke quietly into Seb's ear.

“You don't need to worry, it's okay. I spoke to Andreas, or well, he spoke to me, and he says it's okay, he'll take care of it. If only I'd spoken to him before... I'm so sorry darling, so sorry.”

Mark tried to hold back more tears and Sebastian sat away to look at him, still trying to work out what was going on.

“I wasn't thinking straight. I could have saved us all this. I'm sorry.”

“He says it's okay?” pressed Sebastian, trying to take it in.

Mark nodded sadly.

“I've been so stupid.”

“No Liebling.”

“I'm so sorry I left you.”

Mark swallowed, feeling all of what he had been through again and more tears leaked out.

Seb couldn't bear seeing Mark upset. He reached up a hand and brushed the tears from Mark's cheeks. He didn't care now why Mark had gone, or why he had returned, he only cared that he was here. He'd missed him so badly. Seb only wanted to be held by Mark to feel okay again and forget everything else.

“It's alright,” Seb reassured.

“I feel horrible,” confessed Mark.

“You're back now.”

“I hated being apart from you, I couldn't stand it darling. I had to come home.”

“And they said it's okay?”

“Yeah. Andreas says we're not to worry about it. He says he'll handle the board and it'll all be okay. I should never have gone. Has it been awful darling? How've you been? Your mum said you were upset. Has your head been bad?”

“It's okay. It doesn't matter now. It's all okay now you're home.”

“Yeah I'm home,” sighed Mark, unbelievably grateful that was so.

Sebastian looked at him and placed his hand on Mark's cheek.

“Mein Fels.”

A weak smile broke over Mark's face. He hadn't heard Seb say that phrase in such a long time. He didn't feel very solid right now, but just to hear Seb say it made him feel better.

“That's right darling, dein Fels, I'm home now. It's all going to be okay.”

 

Seb was crying a little too, the pair of them churned up with all the mixed emotions over-running them. It took them another few minutes of consoling one another before each could calm down, holding on to each other until they felt a little more settled.

Mark managed a half smile for Seb.

“Sorry. I come back and then I go and get you upset,” he apologised.

“It's okay. I'm just happy that you're home.”

“I've been such a mess. I didn't realise.”

“You look so tired Liebling,” sympathised Sebastian.

“Yeah,” sighed Mark. “I am tired. My body has no idea what time it's meant to be.”

Mark had rattled back and forth across the time-zones so fast that his body-clock was completely destroyed. That on top of the cumulative tiredness from the last two weeks was far too much for him.

“I think I want to sleep for a week,” Mark admitted.

“We can now can't we? Now that you're home?”

“I suppose we can.”

Sebastian lifted his head up and kissed Mark, Mark kissing him gratefully back before slowing and finally relaxing into kissing more deeply. They allowed themselves to lose themselves in it until they ran out of air and they had to pull apart and merely held one another in again.

 

When they finally parted they noticed that the dogs were sat by the bed looking up at the two of them. Mark gave them a warmer smile and let go one hand from Seb to give the dogs a stroke as they nosed closer to the bed.

“They must wonder what is going on,” noted Mark.

“I think they know,” countered Seb. “They've been so good.”

“Have they been looking after you?”

“Yes.”

Mark gave each dog a rub.

“Good boys.”

Sebastian reached over to them as well and the dogs dared putting their front paws onto the bed to receive their thanks.

Seb gave him a smile and Mark shook his head, unable to resist.

“Come on then.”

Shadow and Simba jumped up to squash onto the bed, Mark and Seb shifted over to make room for them to pile into their laps as they stroked the dogs and allowed themselves a little time to appreciate the comfort of being together as they should be.

 

“Right then, down you get,” Mark instructed the dogs. “I need to lie down before I fall down.”

They both gave the animals one last pet, then a little push to encourage the dogs to resume their place on the floor. Mark gave Sebastian a kiss on the cheek, then stood to simply drag off his jeans, socks and hoody before climbing into bed as he was. Sebastian was dressed in pyjama bottoms and t-shirt and as they snuggled up in bed together Mark thought belatedly that it might be better if they were properly undressed to feel closer, but now he was lying down there was no way he could do anything more than make sure that they were comfortably wrapped up in each other.

Seb put his head against Mark's shoulder, then shuffled even further over, rubbing his cheek over Mark's t-shirt clad chest, marvelling at how warm and solid he felt beneath him. Sebastian sent his arm across to hold onto Mark, settling the side of his head down so he could feel Mark's heart beating and know he was really there. Mark made sure he had his arms around Seb to keep him securely against him and kissed the top of Sebastian's head before dropping his cheek to rest there. Neither wanted to let the other go ever again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later Heike tapped lightly on the door and on getting no response tentatively opened it a fraction to peer in. Seeing them fast asleep she opened the door a little wider and whispered to the dogs who had turned from their post by the bed to look at her.

“Pauline's here to take you for your walk. Are you going to come down now?”

Both dogs looked at her for another moment then decisively turned their heads away and dropped back down to where they had been lying together facing the bed.

“No?”

Heike shrugged, appreciating that she was being dismissed. She gave a little shake of her head and looked where the dogs' attention lay instead.

She had never seen them like that, close as they always were; Sebastian lying right on Mark's chest, resting his face into Mark's t-shirt, just above where the duvet covered them, Mark clearly holding him in place. Sebastian's face was turned to the side and as she looked Heike could swear that Seb was smiling in his sleep.

Heike felt guilty for intruding on their privacy having got used to coming in here to check on her son. She closed the door as silently as possible and tiptoed back downstairs to the kitchen with no plans to wake them at all today.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blimey, I need a lie down now too. Think I'll just pull that duvet over my head for a bit...


	86. Never Let Me Go

* * *

 

 

 

 

They spent the next few days very quietly, doing little and parting even less. Heike got her wish and finally got to take charge so between her and Pauline, Seb and Mark weren't allowed to lift a finger around the house. It was harder for Mark to accept than Sebastian, but all it really took from Heike was a raised eyebrow when he attempted to offer to at least do the washing up or to cook a meal, and Mark gave up resisting. Seb in truth felt as though he would have been happy with Mark alone now he was back, but he could see that Mark needed a rest too and his mother managed to give them plenty of space, letting herself blend into the background as much as possible.

As a result the pair of them were forced to get the genuine unpressurised rest that they really needed. They got up late, went to bed early and in-between the only real activity they did was to take the dogs out to get a little fresh air on top of Pauline's walks. Each time they pushed just a fraction further and Sebastian kept his word to be honest about when was far enough, then they stopped for a while to let him recover while the dogs ran around in the field before heading back.

Neither had any desire to watch their respective races that they were missing that weekend. Mark texted his team-mates and Jenson good luck, but come the Sunday afternoon instead of seeing what was happening, they let Heike have her choice of film to put on. She concentrated on that while the two of them curled up together on the sofa, Mark making half an effort to keep up with the German dialogue on-screen and half watching Seb as he slowly drifted off leaning into him.

Thus they missed Jenson claiming his second win of the year and Mark's own car's very creditable fourth place, as well as skipping the hours of analysis on the grand prix coverage discussing Seb's accident in Monza, looking at how it had happened and why, as well as all the speculation as to his current status and when or if he would return to racing. They missed all the interviews with Seb's competitors being given the chance to say how they wished him well and hoped that he would be back racing soon, some more sincere than others. They had no idea that on the podium in Singapore Lewis dedicated his win to 'absent friends' in a suspiciously similar echo of Jenson's comments on the other side of the world. Neither Seb nor Mark had it in them to be reminded of what they were missing, they simply needed to cut themselves off from the entire world of racing for a while.

 

 

Heike was more than glad to see her two charges seem settled and put aside the fact that Mark and her son seemed glued to one another's side, leaving her feeling as though she was something of a gooseberry. It seemed that was just how they were as a couple. She had seen enough evidence of that during their past encounters to know that whilst this might be heightened recently, it wasn't really out of character for the pair. Pauline's little visits were usually the highlight of her day as she was easily persuadable to stay and chat after walking the dogs seeing as Heike completed the household tasks Pauline ought to be doing, insisting that she preferred to stay busy. Seb's mother was entirely serious when she told Pauline that the exchange of time for company was repayment enough.

Heike didn't give Pauline the full details of all that the boys had confided in her, but Pauline knew enough and guessed the rest. She had to agree that Mark had done the right thing in coming home and although she saw relatively little of the pair, it was clear to her that even if they were still somewhat subdued, the level of tension in the house seemed lessened compared to the week before. When she came over on the Monday morning to take the dogs for their walk Pauline was pleased to see that Mark and Sebastian were actually up and eating breakfast. Things might still be far from normal, but both women were starting to see life in eyes that had been far too dulled until now.

 

 

 

The reason behind their earlier start was that Sebastian was due to visit the hospital for the first of his out-patients visits with Dr. Roberts. She ran through some tests and was able to reassure Sebastian that he was making progress, even if it wasn't so easily apparent with his continued headaches and reliance on the painkillers. She took her time talking to them, trying to persuade Seb to open up to her a little about how he was doing.

“How is your memory? Are more things coming back to you?” she enquired.

Sebastian shrugged.

“A bit, maybe. I remember some things easily and then other things are, I don't know, vague I guess.”

“Mm, yes I see. Well let's hope you continue to make gains there. You can't force it.”

“Yeah okay. I am feeling a bit less tired.”

“Well that's good. Now apart from the specific problems with the pain and dizziness, have you noticed any other symptoms?” asked Dr. Roberts.

“Like what?” wondered Mark sat by Seb's side.

“Well that's rather more difficult to say than you might imagine. Given that Sebastian has suffered a brain trauma it can be almost anything that is affected.”

“Such as?”

“Well you've said you're making steps, literally with the physical side, that's good, but any particular problems? Actions you struggle with?”

“The stairs make me dizzy,” confessed Sebastian.

“Ah, okay, well that's vertigo. It's associated with the connections your brain is making with your surroundings to help you balance. As you go up a steep incline, it has to rapidly keep readjusting, which can be a strain, so that unfortunately isn't a surprise if you're struggling a little.”

“I go with him,” reassured Mark.

“Good. Anything else? Trouble with concentrating or any problems with fine motor-skills such as cutting up what you are eating, or missing your mouth with food or drink.”

Seb frowned.

“No nothing like that.”

“Excellent.”

“People get that?” enquired Mark.

“Well like I say, every patient is slightly different. Some people find that they suffer less physical problems and more with things like changes to their personality after similar traumas.”

Sebastian felt his heart seize a little at hearing that and looked to Mark with alarm, but Mark gave his hand a squeeze and answered the doctor for him.

“He's not changed, just, well, not quite on usual form.”

“That's understandable.”

She eyed Sebastian, reading his reaction.

“Some people suffer from increased anxiety.”

 

Mark glanced at Seb, wondering as he had done ever since they first came to this hospital whether they ought to tell Dr. Roberts about the panic attacks Sebastian suffered from. He hadn't felt Seb was in a position to discuss revealing that information yet and Mark certainly wasn't going to tell her without Seb's permission, so that one would have to wait.

“It's entirely normal,” encouraged the doctor.

Seb gave a very small shrug.

“Maybe.”

Dr. Roberts nodded.

“Do you want to talk about that?”

She received no response so Dr. Roberts knew she had her answer, maybe they could revisit that.

“It is common with post-concussion to suffer from issues with your responses to things, sometimes to react inappropriately or to over-react. It may feel inexplicable to you, perhaps even be frightening?”

Mark was looking at Sebastian and Seb opened his mouth a little. Dr. Roberts nodded realising that she had hit on a nerve.

“It's normal,” she reassured, “to experience more extreme emotions, to feel either as I say, anxiety or to get upset far more easily, or even to laugh without knowing why.”

“That's normal?” asked Sebastian.

“Yes.”

Mark let go of Seb's hand for a moment to put it around Seb and give him a comforting squeeze.

“I take it that's a yes?”

Seb looked at Mark then turned back to her.

“You won't tell anyone?”

“Sebastian I'm a doctor, everything you tell me is confidential.”

Seb looked at the floor, then back at her before answering.

“I cry too easily, it takes almost nothing,” he admitted.

Mark gave his arm a rub, knowing it had taken courage for Seb to tell her that.

 

Dr. Roberts regarded them both, but made sure she had eye-contact with Sebastian.

“As I said, that's entirely normal. It's not something to feel guilty or worry about Sebastian. Besides which you should bear in mind that you have been through a traumatic event, not just physically but emotionally. An emotional response is completely to be expected.”

“So I'm not just falling apart every five minutes?”

“ _Seb,_ ” intervened Mark, not liking the way Sebastian sounded as though he was criticising himself.

“No Seb, you're not,” stated Dr. Roberts firmly. “All reactions are normal. They are symptoms of your injury. Don't put pressure on yourself by expecting to be exactly the same as you were beforehand right away. That in itself would actually be _ab_ normal.”

“Oh, okay,” accepted Sebastian, thinking that did make more sense.

“I know it's easy for me to say 'don't worry about it,' but essentially you have to try to accept that things are going to be a bit off for a while. Apart from anything else, the headaches you are suffering from are enough to leave anyone feeling weaker and more easily upset.”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“Some people have far stranger reactions and effects that are harder to explain, but just as natural.”

“Like what?” wondered Mark, hoping for a distraction to help put things in perspective for Seb.

Dr. Roberts opened out her hands.

“All sorts; Senses such as smell and taste can be affected.”

“Really?” asked Sebastian.

“Mm, so for instance someone may find that they suddenly don't like asparagus when they used to love it.”

“I can't say I eat a lot of asparagus,” noted Sebastian.

Dr. Roberts smiled.

“But you take my point?”

“Yeah. I don't think I've had anything like that.”

“No, well that's good, but if it should occur, then you know not to worry about it.”

“I think we could live without asparagus,” noted Mark.

Dr. Roberts looked at him, but she could see Mark was trying to keep things lighter and gave them both a nod.

 

“Is there anything else you would like to discuss?” enquired Dr. Roberts.

Sebastian thought for a moment before replying.

“I am a kindof worried that I'm taking so many painkillers. I don't want to... I don't know, get too used to that.”

“You're worried that you rely on them?”

“A bit. I guess I mean that I don't want them to be too much of a habit.”

“Are you concerned you might become addicted to them?”

Sebastian shrugged and the doctor nodded.

“You're still suffering from fairly severe headaches though?”

“Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes though I'm not sure if I just take them to make sure that I _don't_ get them.”

“Ah I see. Yes, well that's understandable.”

 

Dr. Roberts considered her patient for a minute and rechecked which medication he was on.

“Thing is,” continued Seb, “when I go back to racing we have drug tests and I'm pretty sure I can't be taking these.”

His doctor looked at him in surprise.

“You're not looking to return to racing any time soon I hope?”

“Well I...”

“Sebastian you've only been out of hospital a week. You need to give yourself time to recover properly or you could do further damage. You do understand that?”

“Yeah I do, but...”

“He's thinking long-term doc,” intervened Mark.

Dr. Roberts nodded cautiously.

“Okay, well I can look to prescribe you a more moderate level of medication, but I don't want you trying to do anything silly like try to tough out the pain. That won't do you any favours in the long-run Seb.”

“Yeah okay, but...”

“If, _If,_ you think you can manage your own medication sensibly to see what what you need, then I can give you the two alongside and you can judge which you need to take in response to how you feel. How does that sound?”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian.

“You would have to understand that you couldn't take both at the same time.”

“Yeah I get that.”

“You think that you can manage that yourself?” pressed the doctor.

“Yeah.”

“You won't be helping things by letting yourself be in pain, just to avoid taking the drugs,” emphasised Dr. Roberts.

“We understand,” confirmed Mark.

“Alright, well I'll sort that out for you and then what I think we should do is give you something to keep a record of what you are taking so we can see how things are going. Perhaps Mark can help you with that?”

“Of course,” agreed Mark.

“Yeah, thanks doc. I think I'll feel better for knowing I'm doing that.”

“Alright then.”

Mark gave Sebastian an encouraging smile. He understood why Seb was worried about this, but he had no intention of letting him suffer in the short-term because Seb was already thinking of the future.

 

 

 

 

Mark hadn't been thinking too much of his own future since he had come home, so when his phone rang with a call from Andreas the next day he was tempted to ignore it, but he knew that was where he had run into trouble before, so he picked up. Mark left Seb for a few minutes drinking tea in the kitchen with his mum, not wanting him to worry over anything he might overhear in the conversation.

“Mark, it's Andreas, how are you?”

“Oh well, um, better for being home I suppose. I wanted to say thank you for being so understanding.”

“No thanks required. I'm only glad to hear you're doing better. How is Seb?”

“I think he's doing a little better too. We were at the hospital yesterday...”

“Oh Mark.” Andreas sounded horrified.

“Oh, no, sorry I mean just to visit, just for a check up. Sorry, I didn't put that very well.”

“Ah I see. Right. Well I'm glad it was only that.”

“Yes, anyway, yeah Seb's doing a bit better, thank you.”

“I'm pleased to hear it.”

“Well done for the weekend, for the race I mean,” congratulated Mark, recalling the result he had finally got around to checking.

“Thank you, yes it was a good one in the end. I'm not saying Brendon and Timo didn't miss you, all of us of course, but we got by. You don't need to concern yourself with that. Actually that's really why I was calling.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I spoke with Matthias this morning.”

Mark didn't want to think how that conversation had gone, but he couldn't ignore it.

“And?”

“He understands Mark. That's really why I'm calling, although obviously I wanted to know how you were doing, but I wanted to let you know that you don't need to be worried. We had good talk. I appreciate that I may not have given you the best of impression of him, but Matthias has never had a personal problem with you.”

“No, okay.”

Matthias had never been less than civil to Mark and he had been polite to Seb when he had visited in the garage.

“He understands that you made the effort to go to race, but that it was too soon, that it was my fault in failing to communicate with you properly...”

“Andreas.”

“No Mark it was. Anyway, we discussed things and he understands the situation.”

“Right.”

“He wished me to convey to you his assurance that you are a valued member of Porsche and that when you are ready to return to racing your continued efforts will be appreciated.”

“And the board?”

“He'll keep them onside. I think you must be aware that Matthias carries great sway. Where he leads, they will be prepared to follow.”

 

Andreas wasn't going to recount to Mark the full conversation that had taken place whereby he had followed up his telephone call last Thursday informing the chairman that Mark had left Austin, or as Andreas had put it; been sent home for his own good. It hadn't actually taken a lot to convince his boss that given the seriousness of his partner's accident, Mark's proper place was at home. Andreas had taken full responsibility for Mark's coming to Austin in the first instance and when he had described how physically depleted Mark appeared, Matthias had to agree that putting him in the car would not have been wise.

Matthias himself hadn't given much thought prior to the weekend as to whether Mark would be attending the race and now that he looked back, it seemed unrealistic to think that Mark could have been in a position to do so. Sebastian's accident at Monza had been all over the German media, as had his subsequent relapse and re-admittance to hospital. His own wife had been very concerned for the 'nice polite young man' she had met only recently at the race in Germany and Matthias himself had taken away a good impression of Seb. Once the cold considerations of business were stripped away it wasn't hard to have a great deal of compassion for Mark's situation. Matthias had let Andreas make his points about it doing them no good to have a driver in the car who was in no state to race and heard his note about the potential for there actually to be very bad publicity for them if the team was seen to treat Mark badly.

“If we dropped Mark it wouldn't take a lot for the media to make assumptions about why that was and I don't think that would paint Porsche as being a very forward thinking company. I can't imagine that the media would be kind to us, particularly given the level of sympathy there is for them after what has happened,” argued Andreas.

Matthias nodded acknowledgement.

“Also I don't think we can have any reason to question Mark's commitment. He dragged himself all the way to Austin when he really wasn't in any state. I think that's evidence enough of his dedication to the team.”

“You don't need to persuade me. I will speak to the others. I'm sure that they are aware that Mark has done a lot for us. He is after all, the man who drove the winning Porsche over the line at Le Mans.”

“That shouldn't be the only reason.”

“It isn't. But it is one that they cannot argue against. You know they still don't like the publicity.”

“None of which is Mark's fault,” pointed out Andreas.

“Well I'm afraid there are one or two who are never quite going to get past notion that a driver kissing his boyfriend being on the front pages damages the brand's image.”

Andreas wanted to roll his eyes at such an antiquated prejudice, but he knew Matthias was only describing other's views.

“Can they point out a dramatic collapse in world-wide sales as a result?” challenged Andreas.

Matthias shook his head.

“No.”

“Which I would think rather undermines their argument that it is purely a business matter.”

“True.”

“And that's putting aside the fact that treating Mark properly is actually the right thing to do.”

“Quite.”

Andreas had eyed his boss, before daring to continue.

“On which note, and I hate to say this, but you know we've been in real danger of actually discriminating against Mark. In truth I think we have already treated him pretty poorly over his partner being at races. If he wanted to, Mark could actually have case about that.”

“You mean legally?”

“Yes. I can't imagine he ever would make a complaint, but if there were further issues for Mark within the team I wouldn't blame him.”

 

He wasn't about to mention that it was Jenson who had originally raised this point as Andreas had decided to leave his part in this out entirely. It was enough that it should be dealt with, he didn't want to complicate things any further.

Matthias shook his head.

“I can't see Mark wanting that.”

“I'm sure he doesn't, but I wouldn't want to give him cause.”

“No.”

“That might be worth noting if anyone has objections.”

“The board you mean? Mm, alright, point taken,” agreed Matthias, thinking of one or two he could have a quiet word with if necessary. They might not like the publicity there had been so far, but he had no doubt that they would like the publicity resulting from a legal case even less.

Matthias took a sip of his coffee and made clear what he had decided already.

“Yes well all that aside, as you say, Mark has given to Porsche, it's time we gave a little back and tried to live up to the idea that we are supposed to be a family firm at our heart. If we are family then that is through bad times as well as good.”

“And you think you can persuade them of that idea?”

“I think I would be failing in my role if I cannot.”

Matthias declined to add that if he did fail in that task, his wife would be pretty unimpressed with him too and that was never a pleasant experience. He thought he would rather have an argument over a conference table than his own breakfast table. Time for the board to face up and accept that if they were a family then they were a twenty-first century family and get on with it.

 

 

“He says that you should take whatever time you need,” explained Andreas to Mark, recalling how their conversation had ended.

“That's, well that's very good of him.”

“I think it is really only our duty. We want you back, but only when you are fit and well to be back and I expect that to be when Seb is likewise on the mend.”

“Thank you. I do appreciate it.”

“Right, I hope your mind is at rest on this Mark. We can talk again, whenever you like really, but ahead of Japan we'll see where we're at, okay?”

“Okay. Don't take it the wrong way if I say all this has forced me to look at my priorities a bit?”

“I think your priorities are right where they should be Mark. I wouldn't expect anything less.”

“Thank you, I really mean that. I do very much value being a part of this team.”

“Your commitment is not in any doubt Mark. I'm just glad we've spoken. I'd better let you go. Please pass my regards to Seb.”

“I will.”

 

When Mark went back through to the kitchen he was glad that he had taken the call and that he could reassure Seb all was well; that Andreas had assured him that they had nothing to worry about and that Porsche's CEO had given Mark his personal support. It did help both of them to feel a little more secure and settled. Heike's only comment was that she would expect nothing less of any half-decent human being, although secretly she was as relieved as they were to hear that there ought not to be any repeat of last week's débâcle. Heike didn't think that either the pair of them, nor she herself, could go through all that again.

 

 

 

 

 

Over the next few days Sebastian tried to begin taking a new approach to his recovery. There were times he had to admit that the headaches he was suffering from were too much and he had to take the stronger painkillers, but other times he managed to get by with the weaker ones and there were increasingly longer periods that he could go without either. He was meticulous about the chart they kept and showed it to Dr. Phillips when he called mid-week to check up on them. Dr. Phillips was surprised that Sebastian had made such a move, but had to concede that if it gave Seb a feeling that he was taking control of his recovery then it was a good thing. He encouraged them to carry on exercising and suggested that if Seb continued to improve then perhaps the following week might be a good time to arrange a visit to the factory to spend some time with his trainer to allow Antti to assess his physical condition and perhaps between the two of them work out a more serious programme of rehabilitation to regain Sebastian's fitness.

As Sebastian lowered his medication dosage he did start to feel as though his brain was starting to wake up more. Often this was literally so as he dozed less during the day, unfortunately that was also true at night and Seb started to have his sleep interrupted by seemingly random episodes of waking. There was no obvious indication why and he usually fell back asleep easily enough so Seb didn't want to make a fuss about it, but the truth was he did feel slightly unnerved by it.

 

Through the week however, Seb did start to feel his energy levels increasing and on their Thursday afternoon stroll out with the dogs they actually made it up the hill for the first time since they had come home. It didn't matter that it was at a considerably slower pace than normal, and that by the time they reached the top Seb was very glad to see the bench where he could take a proper rest. This was what they always did, it was the most ordinary thing in the world to walk up here with the dogs, yet now merely reaching the summit felt like a significant victory. As they sat there, looking out over the autumnal countryside, Sebastian leaned into Mark gratefully, thinking how life had changed and his goals had been forced to alter after his accident.

Later on Seb was hit by one of his worse headaches and had to concede that the stronger painkillers were required, leading to him falling asleep shortly after dinner, Mark's arm around him, Sebastian's head dropped on his shoulder as they sat in the lounge. Heike took one look at the two and sent them up to bed. Even that was hard enough as Mark hated having to wake him and Seb needed quite a lot of help to get up off the sofa and make his way up the stairs. Every step was difficult but it felt as though that was true of everything that they did now.

 

 

 

 

The following day Sebastian tried not to be too downbeat at what felt like a setback but Heike could see that he was quieter and suggested that perhaps a distraction might be an idea. Thus on Friday evening they welcomed Seb's brother and father into the house. Fabian pleased beyond measure to be picked up from school by his dad and told that they were catching the first flight they could to join them for the weekend. Mark thought the place had never been fuller and it was a good job that there were all those spare bedrooms, but it felt nice to have Seb's family there and it was true that the atmosphere seemed to lift with their arrival.

Sebastian was glad of the chance to reassure his little brother that he was really doing much better and when they settled down in the lounge after Heike's dinner it was nice to let Fabian pick out a film to put on. He and Mark squashed up to let Fabian fit on the sofa with them, Seb's little brother still feeling the need to lean into Sebastian almost as much as Seb wanted to lean into Mark. Mark didn't mind, he saw the way Fabian looked at his brother, they way he watched him constantly to make sure that Sebastian was okay. He understood, because it was what he did too.

 

 

Mark was caught off-guard when after such a pleasant family evening, Sebastian woke in the middle of the night, sitting bolt upright in the darkness. It took Mark a moment to feel Seb's absence from lying next to him and wake himself up to sit with Seb. Mark had no idea what time it was, but it was pitch dark and he knew straight away that this wasn't a normal waking. Sebastian was breathing too heavily and as Mark put his arm around him he could instantly feel that Seb's heart was beating too fast.

“What's the matter?”

Seb was still breathing heavily and took a moment to answer.

“I don't know.”

Mark frowned in the darkness.

“What do you mean you don't know?”

“I don't _know_ ,” repeated Seb sounding more upset.

“Alright, alright, just take a minute. It's okay,” reassured Mark, continuing to hold onto Seb and gently rubbing his arm while he leant his head into Sebastian's, letting him calm down at his own pace.

 

After a few minutes Mark judged that Sebastian was settled enough to let go of him temporarily while he reached to switch on the bedside light and passed him some water to sip. He took the water back and looked at Seb in the low light to try to see how he was.

“Are you okay?” checked Mark.

Seb took a shaky breath.

“I'm not sure.”

Mark frowned.

“You know where you are, right?”

“Yeah.”

That wasn't it. Seb knew he was home in bed with Mark. This should be the safest place in the world. Why did he feel so unnerved? This wasn't like the other times he had woken up. Mark was still looking worried so Sebastian did his best to explain.

“I'm not sure, I think maybe I was having a nightmare.”

“What about?”

“I don't remember.”

“You don't remember what it was about?”

“No.”

Mark didn't like the sound of that.

“Was it about what's happened?

“I don't know.”

“Nothing at all?”

“Just something scary.”

 

All Seb could recall was a feeling as if something had squeezed his heart, a paralysing fear gripping him.

“Something I couldn't control, couldn't stop.”

“Do you mean the car? Was it a nightmare about the accident?” wondered Mark.

“I don't know.”

“Were you remembering the crash do you think?”

“Please Mark, I don't _know_ ,” let out Sebastian unhappily.

Mark sighed, not knowing how to help if he couldn't understand what the problem was, but hating seeing Seb upset even more.

“Sorry. I didn't mean... Never mind, it doesn't matter.”

“My head hurts,” complained Seb.

His lip quivered and tears started leaking out. Mark reached up a hand from holding onto Seb and brushed them away.

“Don't cry sweetheart, it's alright.”

Sebastian turned so he could bury his face in Mark's chest and let him hold onto him. He couldn't understand why he felt this way; the nightmare or memory or whatever it was, seemed just out of reach and his confusion about what had upset him only made it worse.

“It's just a bad feeling,” mumbled Sebastian.

Mark turned his head further in to try to hear him.

“Hm?”

Seb lifted his head to look back at Mark.

“Just a horrible feeling,” he repeated.

“Yeah, okay.”

Mark realised that there was no point pushing Sebastian, especially when he was upset. He kissed Seb's forehead then leaned his own forehead in to rest down. Mark closed his eyes and wished that he could see into Seb's mind and know what was going on there. As Sebastian's brain was healing, was it rebuilding the pathways of his memory? Mark knew that there were too many bad things hidden there.

 

He sat back to look at Seb again.

“Do you want your painkillers?”

“Mm.”

“Which ones?”

“The stronger ones.”

“That bad?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Mark fetched them for Seb along with the water again and let him take them while he made a quick jot down on the sheet of paper that served as their record. He pressed the button on his mobile phone to check the time: 3.27am. Mark puts things back and then carefully stroked a hand across Sebastian's hair.

“Want to lie down?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on then.”

Mark flicked off the light and helped Sebastian settle against his chest in the comforting position he knew Seb liked.

“There we go darling, that better?”

“Mmm.”

Sebastian let out a long breath and tried to relax and feel the drugs doing their work. He didn't want to let himself think about what had woken him. He still felt slightly in shock.

“Sorry Liebling.”

“No no, that's alright.”

“It was just something bad.”

“I'm here, nothing bad can happen, okay,” reassured Mark, smoothing one hand across Seb's back while he kept him held in with the other.

“Okay.”

Seb closed his eyes, feeling sleep beginning to claw at him once more.

“Nothing bad's gonna happen,” soothed Mark again, “I've got you darling, I've got you.”

Seb listened to Mark's heartbeat and knew he was safe, it was just a bad dream.

 

 

 

 

The next morning Mark avoided bringing the subject up with Sebastian and hoped that the day spent with his family would help them forget it. Fabian was starting to relax around his brother seeing that he was okay and Seb didn't want to give any other impression. After lunch the whole family took a walk out with the dogs and Sebastian insisted he was fine to try going up the hill again. They let Fabian bound off up the footpath with the dogs who were thrilled to be reunited with their young friend and seemed to be enjoying the fact that there was someone who was able to match their energy levels and play the games they normally did with Mark and Seb.

Norbert and Heike walked behind the pair on the path, letting themselves drop back a little so they could talk.

“Does Seb seem quiet to you?” wondered Norbert.

“It comes and goes. Maybe his head is bad,” noted his wife.

“Hmm, he just seemed better yesterday.”

“Well I think he was pleased to see you. He can't help it Norbert. You just have to let him be.”

“No I know, I just...” Norbert shrugged. “I suppose you've got more used to seeing it.”

“He's doing better. Seb hardly got out of bed when I was first here. This is a big improvement.”

“Yes I suppose so. They've not said any more about when he'll be back racing?”

Heike looked unimpressed at her husband.

“No, and for heaven's sake don't you go mentioning it to them. You know what I told you about Mark, that poor boy forcing himself all that way only to have to come home again. They're in no state to even _think_ about racing, so don't bring it up,” she instructed firmly.

“Alright, I was only wondering,” excused Norbert.

Heike sighed and shook her head. Mark and Sebastian might be quiet, but that was far better than having the pair of them so upset and overwrought that they ended up in breaking down in front of her. She hadn't suggested her husband come here only to let him start worrying them about things again.

“They don't need any stress right now,” reminded Heike.

“Yes okay. I get the message.”

“Good.”

Norbert looked at the pair walking ahead; Seb had his arm around Mark's waist, Mark's arm firmly held right around Sebastian in turn.

“They seem very wrapped up in each other,” observed Norbert.

He didn't just mean now. It seemed as though the pair never let go of one another. Even when they ate, Norbert had noticed the way Mark and Sebastian's chairs were pulled up together so they could sit with at least their legs pressed alongside.

“They're practically joined at the hip,” Norbert continued.

“Well what do you expect?” challenged Heike. “They've had a very nasty scare. It makes you appreciate what you've got.”

She certainly appreciated the fact she had her eldest son back, Heike wasn't about to fault Mark for doing the same.

 

“I'm sure they appreciate what you've been doing too,” relented Norbert.

“Well, I'm just glad to see them doing better.”

Heike wondered where her younger son had got to with the dogs. Presumably he couldn't get lost seeing as Fabian had been here before.

“How has Fabian been this week?” she enquired.

Norbert gave a half shrug.

“Well he's been quiet too. I think he's better for seeing Seb.”

“Mm.”

Heike felt torn. She knew that their youngest had struggled badly through all of this and she hated that she had been forced to leave him again to come and take care of Sebastian.

“Have the school said anything?”

“No. I think he's pretty much caught up what he missed. I don't think they can really have done all that much in the first week of term anyway.”

“I was thinking more about how he was.”

“Oh, well no, nothing's been said.”

Heike nodded. Maybe it was time to have a chat with Seb and Mark to see if they wanted her to stay or whether it might be time to let them get on with things now they were doing better, then she could get home and give Fabian the attention she suspected he needed after all this upset. Hopefully Fabian wouldn't be worrying so much now he had been given the chance to spend some time with his brother and Mark whom he seemed to think so much of.

 

 

That evening they sat around the table eating dinner.

“It's certainly lovely countryside around here,” offered Norbert politely.

“Mm.”

“And you get a good view from up that hill.”

“Yeah.”

“That's always where you go, isn't it?” put in Fabian, looking to his brother and Mark sat together.

“Usually yes,” agreed Seb.

“It wasn't too tiring for you was it?” worried Heike.

“No I'm okay. I've got to keep pushing.”

“Just not too hard,” interjected Mark.

Sebastian looked to him.

“I'm really okay.”

Mark gave him a smile and a nod. They hadn't gone fast and they had taken a while at the top to recover again, but Seb did seem okay. At least so far there hadn't been a recurrence of any severe headache like last time.

 

Heike waited while everyone finished up their food, then before she cleared away, she took a moment to ask them.

“I was wondering if you want me to stay a little longer when these two go back tomorrow night?”

“Oh, umm...”

Seb glanced to Mark. They had got quite used to his mother being around and hadn't really thought about her leaving.

“We could stay?” piped up Fabian.

Everyone turned to look at him and Sebastian gave his brother a smile.

“You can't be missing yet more school dear,” countered his mother.

“I don't mind.”

Both Seb and Mark laughed at that.

“I'll bet you don't,” smiled Seb.

“No Fabian, you and I are definitely booked to go back,” insisted Norbert, gaining a huffed sigh from his youngest son.

“Nice try Fabe,” sympathised Mark.

“It's very nice that you want to stay with your brother, but that wasn't the question,” reminded Heike, looking back to the pair sat opposite her.

Seb looked back at Mark and shrugged, getting a tiny shrug back in reply. They both knew that things weren't perfect, but they had come a long way in the last week or so.

“I think we'll be fine Mum,” insisted Seb. “You can go home.”

“I don't want to leave you if you need me.”

“We'll be fine. I'm really doing much better. I'm going to go into the factory next week, see about starting training again.”

“Just to talk about it,” modified Mark.

“Well yeah, but still.”

Heike nodded.

“If you're sure?”

Mark put his arm around Seb without thinking about what a protective gesture it was.

“We'll be fine, not that we won't miss you. You've been incredibly kind,” thanked Mark.

“Nonsense, I've just been glad to be around a bit.”

“We'll be alright Mum, thank you,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Okay, well then if you're finished why don't you boys go through and we'll clear up,” offered Heike.

Mark could see that Fabian still didn't look too impressed at having his offer to stay rebuffed.

“Come on Fabe, why don't you help us pick out a good film to stick on?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Ten minutes later Norbert and Heike came through, carrying mugs of tea which they placed on the coffee table in front of where Mark and Seb sat while Fabian set up the DVD.

“What have we got then?” asked Norbert.

“The Incredibles,” stated Fabian.

“I don't think I know it.”

“It's a Pixar,” explained Mark.

Norbert was none the wiser, so he simply nodded.

“On you go then,” he instructed.

Fabian pressed play and returned to the sofa where Sebastian and Mark shifted up to let him squeeze next to them. Heike looked on, thinking how good they were with Fabian, not letting him feel too left out despite how close they were. In truth it might be nicer if they could all stay together for longer, but Fabian really couldn't skip any more school and she wasn't about to suggest Seb came all the way back to Germany. Perhaps it might be best to leave them in peace for a while? Despite the fact that they seemed to be watching a cartoon, Sebastian wasn't a child while Fabian really still was and he needed her. Mark could take care of Seb now he'd had a chance to rest himself. Heike felt much more confident than she had done little more than a week ago that they might actually be in a fit state to look after themselves without her there to watch over them.

 

 

 

Sunday was spent trying to make the most of their time left together. Heike stayed home to prepare a proper family Sunday lunch while the rest of them took a longer walk with the dogs out across the fields. Seb still wasn't up to his regular pace, but it was far better than it had been, although Fabian remained the only one to match Shadow and Simba's enthusiasm for running about. Mark joked that he was frequently tempted to throw a ball for Seb's little brother to chase after almost as much as the dogs, which made both Seb and Norbert laugh, though only as they were out of Fabian's earshot.

 

After Heike's impressive roast dinner Seb's parents refused any help sorting things out, for once even letting Fabian off the hook.

“You go through. Fabian is your bag all packed?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah.”

Fabian had shoved all his belongings back in the bag he'd brought as soon as he got dressed this morning. He didn't see any point doing it neatly seeing as it would go straight into the wash when he got home.

“That was great Heike, thank you,” praised Mark.

“Yes thanks Mum,” chimed Sebastian.

Heike smiled at the two of them, glad to see them looking more perky after a week and half of finally getting to look after them as she had wanted to.

“Well you won't need to worry about later, there's plenty of chicken left,” she noted.

Mark gave her a smile back, thinking they really would miss her.

“Very kind, thank you. Guess I'm gonna have to get used to cooking again.”

“You've been spoiling us Mum,” commented Sebastian.

Heike stepped around the table and gave him a rub on the shoulder.

“Nonsense. Now you're sure you'll really be alright with me going?”

Seb turned further to look up at her.

“Course we will.”

He gave Mark a look as well.

“And you're not doing all the cooking.”

Mark shrugged in reply. He'd see about that.

 

 

Seb, Mark and Fabian repaired to the lounge accompanied by the dogs. Mark and Sebastian took up their place on the sofa whilst Fabian sat on the floor petting the dogs.

“They'll be sorry you're going away again,” commented Mark, leaning in to give their fur a ruffle.

Fabian looked up at the pair sat on the sofa in from of him.

“I'm sorry I'm going away again too.”

“Don't want to go back to school?” tried Sebastian.

Fabian shrugged and they both felt bad for him, knowing that it wasn't school that was the issue.

“Come and sit up here,” indicated Seb, patting the gap on the sofa to his side.

Fabian did as instructed and turned to face the two as he leaned sideways into the back of the sofa.

“It's really nice that you could come over, but we'll be alright now, yeah?” tried Seb.

Fabian nodded.

“Yeah I know.”

“I'm really a lot better. We've just got to start getting back to normal.”

Mark sat beyond Seb on the far side of the sofa, his arm still habitually around him.

“You know I'll be looking after Seb for you,” he assured.

Sebastian almost wanted to roll his eyes at such a remark, but he couldn't these days. Besides it was too nice a sentiment to reject. Instead Seb turned further to look at his brother and let himself lean a little more into Mark as a silent way of saying thank you.

“You don't need to worry Fabe, okay?” Seb assured.

“Okay,” nodded Fabian.

Mark could see the cogs whirring in Fabian's head, but there were only so many times they could tell him everything was going to be fine from now on. He looked at his watch; they still had a couple of hours before they were due to set off.

“Tell you what mate, why don't you stick something on for us?”

“Any ideas?”

“Whatever you like. I dunno, a Bond film or something,” suggested Mark, thinking something uncomplicated with plenty of explosions was bound to appeal to a sixteen year old boy.

“Okay, shouldn't we wait for mum and dad though?”

Mark gave him a smile.

“Not sure they share quite the same taste as us. You just pick something, I don't think they're all that bothered.”

 

Fabian nodded and did as instructed then retook his seat. It felt nice to be sat so cosily with the dogs at their feet and just as Mark had suggested, his parents didn't seem in the least perturbed that the film had already started by the time they came through. He was so glad he'd been able to come here this weekend. His brother did seem more like himself even if both he and Mark were quieter compared to how they used to be. Everyone kept saying Seb was doing better though, so he had to believe it.

Fabian knew Mark would look after Seb like he said he would. Mark wouldn't go away and leave his brother again, Fabian was sure of that. His brother had explained that even though Mark really ought to have raced last weekend, Mark had missed him so badly he'd come home and his mum had told him that Mark had been badly overtired after everything that had happened and that was the reason he'd made the mistake of going. That made sense. Fabian couldn't understand before why he'd had to go in the first place even when Seb said that was just how racing worked. It seemed pretty stupid to him when it was obvious that Mark belonged here with Seb. He hasn't asked Mark about it as Fabian hadn't wanted to seem as if he was criticising him. Now that he'd seen them in person Fabian was much more comfortable with how things really were now.

 

 

 

Far too soon they were stood in the hall saying their goodbyes as the taxi waited outside, exchanging long hugs and promises to take care and to call.

Sebastian let go of his brother and gave him a reassuring smile.

“It's all up from here, okay? I'll be back to normal and off racing again before you know it.”

“Not too soon,” counselled his mother firmly.

“No, alright.”

No one had made any mention of the fact that this had been another F1 weekend that Sebastian had missed. There seemed no point in focussing on that when it wasn't on their radar.

“We're just going to take things steady,” promised Mark.

“Good,” nodded Heike.

She hoped they had learned a hard lesson. Heike knew it was unrealistic to expect that they would suddenly change their entire attitude to the sport they had devoted their lives to, but hopefully both of them might let that continue to take a back seat for a while longer.

 

There was only time for a last round of hugs before they really had to set off.

Mark had renewed his vows to take care of Seb and reminded Fabian that he could call them any time. Seb in turn had only been half joking when he'd followed that by promising he would look after the dogs for Fabian. They'd stood together on the doorstep to wave them off before turning back into the house. Sebastian wished he didn't feel as tearful as he did the moment the door shut behind them. Mark made no comment on it, simply putting both arms around him, letting Seb press in and rest his face on Mark's shoulder for a minute.

Sebastian took a deep breath and pulled back to look at Mark.

“I'm okay. It's just...”

“Yeah, I know.”

Mark gave Sebastian's arm a rub and kissed him.

“Come on, let's go through.”

 

Mark found what he reckoned must be one of the cheeriest of Seb's pile of Disney films and the two of them lay down properly on the sofa together.

“See at least we can do this now,” noted Mark.

Seb turned a little more to look at him.

“It just seems quiet.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“It will be nice to feel we're just being ourselves again.”

“Exactly. We're gonna be fine darling. Just back to normal now.”

Mark kissed Seb's temple and they settled back to watch the film. Robin Williams riffing and getting to throw a little improv into the constraints of a Disney film was bound to raise a smile, no matter how hard you tried to resist it. Neither one of them felt anything like as tired as they had done, but it was nice to feel peaceful, comfortably wrapped up together on the sofa doing whatever they wanted with the dogs equally happy sat on the floor in front of them. Mark rested his head into Sebastian's where they lay propped on the piled cushions at one end and truly felt like this was home. Surely from here on in everything was going to be okay and they would be back to normal?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Busily watching qualifying for Le Mans. Porsche seem strong, wonder how close my little AU version will come to RL?  
> ;)


	87. Shadows and Mist

* * *

 

 

 

  


They went to bed that night still feeling a little odd at the way the house now seemed so empty, but happy that it seemed that they might be finally getting back to something approaching normality once more. With only the two of them left in the house now the place seemed quiet, but it was good in a way that they were left in peace.

Sadly that peace was shattered when Sebastian woke up again in the dead of night, his heart hammering at unnameable fears.

Mark sat up behind him, his arms around Seb as he tried to wake up his own brain.

“Hey, it's okay,” he soothed.

Sebastian had his head dropped as took in deep breaths.

“Just another bad dream?” tried Mark.

Sebastian couldn't speak. Whatever it was had been terrifying.

“What was it?”

Sebastian was trying not cry, he had to stop doing that. It was pathetic, weak and childish. The hard words echoed in his head, horribly familiar, as if he could hear a voice accusing him of being all those things, harsh and frightening. He didn't want to think of it.

“Seb?”

Mark was trying to lean around Seb even as he held on to him.

“I can't remember,” managed Sebastian in a wobbly voice.

He didn't _want_ to remember. He wanted to shut it out.

Mark pressed his side of his face into Sebastian's and wrapped his arms further around him, speaking softly into his ear.

“It's okay. I'm here, dein Fels. It's okay.”

Mark's voice was calming. Seb tried to absorb it, to let himself know he was safe in his arms. _Safe, safe, safe._ Sebastian took another deep breath and tried not to let it shake through him.

 

Mark held him a while longer then risked letting going of Sebastian to switch on the light so he could look at him. He sat facing him now and put a hand at the side of Seb's face trying to examine him.

“Alright?”

Sebastian shrugged and scrunched his face a little.

Mark sighed, unsure how to approach this.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He tipped his head slightly to the side, trying to read Seb's expression.

“Is it your family going?”

“No.”

“Are you worrying about going into the factory?”

Seb looked at him. He was a little nervous about that, but he didn't think it was the cause.

Getting no response Mark shook his head.

“Sweetheart I don't know how to help if you don't tell me.”

“It was just a nightmare.”

“You don't remember what it was about?”

“It's just... blurry. I don't want to think about it,” Seb admitted.

Mark nodded.

“No. Okay.”

 

He could see Sebastian wasn't up to being pushed, especially in the middle of the night. Mark pulled him in for a hug. Seb pressed into Mark feeling his heart slowing until he felt ready to sit away and look at Mark again.

“I'm sorry. I thought I was getting better.”

Mark shook his head.

“You _are_ getting better. Don't worry about it, okay? We'll talk to Dr. Roberts. I'm sure she'll have an idea.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Let's go back to sleep,” encouraged Mark. “Come on.”

He stroked down Seb's arm then gave him a kiss before reaching to turn out the light so they could settle down again, both hoping that their sleep wouldn't be interrupted again.

  


  


 

  


  


The next day coincided with Sebastian's next out-patients appointment at the hospital. Dr. Roberts had run her checks and looked over their medication chart, asking him how that was working out and being reassured that they were managing. Once that had been gone through Seb had a chance to bring up what had been worrying him.

“I keep waking up in the night. Sometimes with bad dreams, nightmares I think maybe, I'm not sure.”

The doctor nodded.

“I see.”

“Do you think he could be remembering things?” wondered Mark.

“Maybe. It's possible.” Dr. Roberts looked at Seb. “Do you think that's what it is?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Your brain is repairing itself. In some ways it's just like a bone knitting itself back together after a break, but with the brain of course it is a lot more complicated than that. After brain trauma it can be more erratic, particularly with regard to memory which isn't always a lateral function even in normal circumstances,” she explained.

“You mean it's normal to forget things?” tried Mark.

“Yes, exactly. Everyone forgets things. That's just a day-to-day matter. Sometimes there's a reason, such as being tired or distracted, other times.”

She opened out her hands.

“It's just chance. I forgot to bring in my lunch today, these things happen. However to get back to you Seb, I think that, yes, as you recover you are likely to be remembering things. When you are sleeping the brain is untroubled by anything else distracting it and that might be why this is happening. If the memories are disturbing, then they may well feel like nightmares in your unconscious mind.”

“So I _am_ remembering things?” pressed Sebastian.

“Well I can't know without seeing into your mind Seb, but as a best guess, I would say that is likely. However, when you are asleep they may be mixed up with other things such as matters you are worried about, or more general anxiety, so they may not be straight-forward recollections.”

“Right,” frowned Seb, thinking that wasn't quite as clear as he had been hoping.

“I'm sorry I can't be more definitive. Dreams are a very interpretative area of study and it is hard to know what occurs in your mind when you are asleep as you are unable to tell us what is happening at the time. You can't recall what these dreams or nightmares consist of?”

Sebastian gave another little shrug.

“It's like they're just out of reach. To be honest when I wake up I don't really want to think about it.”

Dr. Roberts nodded.

“Yes, I see. Well I'm afraid there isn't really anything we can do to control this as it is a natural process. Some people find writing down what they remember on waking helps them.”

Sebastian squished his face a bit. He didn't much fancy that.

“It's just an idea. Other than that there isn't much unfortunately that I can suggest other than to tell you that it is fairly normal and nothing to worry about. I would hope that as you continue to recover your brain may find a way of ordering its recollections better and you should be able to remember things more clearly when you are awake. Recalling things on demand as it were rather than randomly out of your control when you are asleep.”

 

Sebastian gave a fractional nod of his head. He was able to do that now. Odd as he knew it might seem to others, it was one of the things he was most grateful for with his recovery.

“So we just have to ride it out?” suggested Mark.

“Yes I'm afraid so. The only other option would be to prescribe you sedatives and I'm guessing you don't want that Seb?”

“No,” confirmed Sebastian. No more drugs than were strictly necessary.

“Okay, well I'm sorry I can't give you an easy answer, but I'm well aware that none of this is easy for you.”

Sebastian gave a half shrug. That was certainly true.

“Aside from that how are you feeling more generally in the daytime?”

“Much better really, far less tired,” noted Seb, glad to have a positive to discuss.

“Even with your sleep disturbed?”

“Yeah better than before anyway.”

“And emotionally?”

Seb shrugged.

“Better I guess. A bit less up and down.”

“Seb's family have been to stay,” explained Mark.

“Ah, well that's good I'm sure.”

“I was a bit upset when they went yesterday, but... I think I'm holding it together better.”

Dr. Roberts gave him a smile.

“Seb it's normal to feel emotion, you don't have to battle that.”

“I just, I don't know, I want to feel normal.”

“Of course, but try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Nobody is judging you.”

The doctor saw the way Mark was still watching Sebastian. It was a very good thing that he had such a supportive partner to help him.

 

“I'm going in to the factory later in the week,” noted Seb, trying to pick things up.

“The factory?” frowned Dr. Roberts.

“RedBull's base in Milton Keynes,” smiled Mark, thinking how that was a strange way to refer to it to outsiders.

“Ah, I see.”

“I'm going to see about starting up my training again,” explained Seb.

Dr. Roberts nodded slowly.

“You don't think it's too soon?” enquired Mark.

She tipped her head to the side a moment.

“Not if managed carefully.”

“I have a trainer. He's fully qualified. And it'd be in conjunction with the team doctor, Dr. Phillips.”

“I remember him.”

“He's still been coming over to see me at home.”

“Good, well, do you perhaps want me to call him, just to consult with him on this?”

Sebastian looked at Mark who knew right away what he was concerned about.

“You wouldn't tell him what we discussed, about... you know about me getting too emotional?” asked Seb, sounding worried.

“Not if you don't want me to.”

“I don't. Or the nightmares, please.”

“Okay, that's fine. I can just stick to the broader areas of your recovery and what's relevant to your taking on more physical activity. If that's what you would prefer.”

“Yes. Thank you. It's just... It's important how they view me, the team.”

“I'm sure they only want you to get better.”

“Yeah, but, it's complicated, everything gets fed back and I don't want them to treat me differently.”

The doctor nodded again. She suspected that the team were going to be incapable of not treating Sebastian somewhat differently after what had happened, but she understood his concerns.

“Very well. You don't need to worry. I won't tell him anything more than strictly necessary. I don't have to speak to him at all if you don't want me to.”

“No that's okay, I know it's just to help but...”

“Just what's essential, I understand.”

“Okay.”

 

Seb looked to Mark who simply nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. That even this could be complicated was unsurprising.

“Thanks doc,” offered Mark.

“Not a problem. All any of us want to do is help you Seb. I've no doubt that is true of your team as well.”

Seb knew that might well be the case, but he didn't want sympathy from his team, he wanted to go back to being the way things were meant to be. He looked at the doctor and knew that he had to trust her.

“Thanks doc,” echoed Seb.

  


 

 

  


  


  


That night when they went to bed Sebastian didn't want to admit that he was nervous despite all his doctor's attempts to pacify him. In a way, telling him that it was normal to have disrupted sleep really didn't do anything for Seb. It wasn't her fault, he knew she was being as honest as she could about it, but Seb felt as though now he was already anticipating something happening. When he woke only a few hours later it felt almost inevitable and Sebastian was starting to wonder if he wasn't _making_ it happen now he expected it. He sat forwards, burying his head in his knees as Mark kept a careful hand on his back trying to think of something comforting to say. Seb's head was swirling and his heart beating too fast. He forced his breathing to go slower and deeper before finally sitting up.

“Was it a bad memory?”

Seb hardly heard him.

“My head hurts.”

Mark sighed with resignation.

“Do you want your painkillers?”

“Yeah.”

“Which?”

“The stronger ones.”

His head was pounding in time with his heart. Sebastian hoped that the drugs might have the side-effect of helping him sleep better or at least to go back to sleep without letting himself worry about what had woken him.

Mark switched on the light and passed the bottle and water to Seb so he could take them while he made a notation on the paper; 'S' (for stronger medication) 12.23am.

He took the things back from Seb and turned back, unable to repress a little sigh.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

“No sweetheart, it's okay.”

“I keep waking you too.”

“Of course I should be awake. Don't worry about it.”

Mark placed his hand at the side of Sebastian's face and gave his cheek a tiny stroke with his thumb.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Sebastian simply wanted to make it go away; all that fear, the feeling of helplessness and impending threat. An unnameable terror. Seb didn't want to name it.

Mark nodded. Seb clearly wasn't up to discussing it. Maybe they could try in the morning.

  


They settled back down to sleep. At first Seb lay in Mark's arms, absorbing the comfort he felt there, but as the hours passed he became more restless and moved away to lie on the pillow beside him. Mark didn't wake. The disrupted nights had left Mark more tired than Seb and he was now too deeply asleep to notice Sebastian gradually shift over to the side.

  


  


 

  


Sebastian lay there, not knowing if he was awake or asleep. He couldn't get up, it was as if his arms were pinned down and he was being held in place. His eyes shot open as panic set in; he couldn't move, he couldn't do anything, someone was holding him down, doing bad things to him, _hurting_ him and he couldn't do anything, he couldn't make it stop. A face above him, mocking and enjoying his pain.

He gasped out.

“No!”

Sebastian still lay feeling pinned to the bed, but there was another face above him, a different one.

“Seb?”

Mark leaned over him, alarmed at his rate of breathing. He fumbled over with one hand to the side for the light switch so he could see how Sebastian was.

“Are you okay?”

Sebastian was still breathing too hard. His eyes opened wider at the light and saw Mark's face above his. Mark's face; so concerned; nothing frightening there, not like the other face. All of a sudden it was as if the invisible force holding him down was released and Seb sat up to throw himself into Mark's arms.

“Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay,” soothed Mark. “It's just a bad dream sweetheart. It's okay.”

Sebastian stayed pressed into him, sliding his arms around Mark's neck to hold onto him, slowing his breathing as he took in the comforting smell of Mark's skin. They stayed that way for a few minutes until the adrenaline ebbed away and Seb eventually sat back a little.

 

“Can you tell me?” tried Mark.

“I...”

Mark was torn. He desperately wanted to understand what was going on, but he didn't want to make things worse.

“I just want to help sweetheart. You don't have to talk if you don't want to.”

Sebastian took in a steadying breath and risked it.

“I was in a scary place.”

Mark furrowed his brow.

“Was it a memory do you think?”

“Maybe.”

“Do you remember anything else, where you were?”

“I... I'm not sure. It was sort of dark.”

That could be the hospital, thought Mark. Even in his own memories that little intensive care room was swathed in darkness lit only by the flashing lights of the machines. The memory held terrors for him too. It was understandable if remembering it was frightening for Seb as well.

“Do you mean the hospital?”

“Someone was holding me down,” let out Sebastian.

Mark hated how frightened Seb sounded.

“Do you mean the doctor?”

“I...”

Sebastian tried to think, to make himself remember more clearly; _Was_ it a doctor?

“In Italy,” continued Mark, hoping that explaining it might lessen how disturbing this was for Seb. “When you first woke up the doctors did that. They were trying to help, but I know it scared you. Do you remember that? Is that what it was?”

A doctor? But no. Not a doctor. Seb was sure of that. It wasn't a doctor. They would never have hurt him like that. They could never have been so vicious. It wasn't them, it was someone else, someone cruel, someone frightening.

“No, it wasn't... not a doctor,” managed Sebastian.

 

Maybe it was just a bad dream, just a nightmare, just his confused imagination muddling real memories with less tangible fears and anxieties? Maybe it was all in his head?

“Was it from before then? Something else in the past?” asked Mark wondering if he dared venture there.

Seb tried to think, but he couldn't, it was so confused.

“I don't know. Maybe it wasn't a real memory. Maybe it was just a bad dream?”

 

Sebastian looked at Mark and felt like crying. Mark's face was so concerned, so full of care. It was nothing like the face in his dream, nothing like...

Seb took a sharp intake of breath, then it as though he was hit by a freight train, knocking all the oxygen out of his body.

Oh god, oh god. It wasn't a dream. The face coalesced into one he knew. It had a name. A name that meant a very real terror.

Sebastian started shaking and Mark was too shocked to do anything for a second before he pulled Seb in and tried to calm him.

“Hey what is it? Seb? Seb it's okay.”

Sebastian pulled back a fraction and to see Mark's face.

“ _Heikki_ ,” snatched Seb.

“Oh fuck.”

Mark was frozen in horror for a moment, then broke himself out of it and pulled Seb back in, feeling Seb's chest heaving against his own, trying to think of anything soothing he could to whisper in Seb's ear. Sebastian couldn't be calmed though. It was too much.

“It, it wasn't a bad dream,” he stammered.

“Seb...”

“It was real. It happened. They're not bad dreams. They're _real_.”

 

Everything was piling in now. It was as if dozens of heavy doors that had been locked tight in his brain were banging open all at once. Terrible memories piling in on Sebastian, so many, far too many. Such terrifying memories. He couldn't cope. Sebastian's breathing slipped away and his eyes widened as he felt the panic take over. His heart was beating so fast now that his chest hurt and he couldn't control the attempts to keep oxygen flowing into his body. His skin was too hot and he felt horribly chilled at the same time.

“Seb, calm down, it's okay. Just breathe, please Seb, please.”

Mark was trying not to panic himself as he saw Seb getting out of control.

“Please, just breathe. Don't think, just breathe. Just breathe sweetheart.”

Mark was terrified that Sebastian might pass out and what that might mean for him, how much damage it could do in his current state. He put his hands either side of Sebastian's face and kept his own face only an inch away so there was nothing in his field of vision but him.

“Just breathe. Take slow breaths. Please sweetheart.”

Sebastian looked in his eyes and forced himself to listen and try do as Mark instructed; just to breathe, to slow and not let anything else into his head but that one vital action. _Breathe, breathe._

He didn't want to black out, that was more frightening than anything. Seb knew he had to keep getting oxygen to his brain to stop the lights sparking. He tried to draw in air both through his mouth and his nose, barely hearing Mark's continued pleas to slow. His chest really hurt and it was that more than any conscious choice that made Sebastian gradually decrease the rate at which he moved it to take in breaths and he had to make each breath deeper.

Mark watched the rate at which Seb's chest moved decrease and switched his hands down to hold onto Seb's arms.

“That's it; slow, just slow darling, slow. It's okay.”

Sebastian squeezed his eyes tight shut and tried to keep his brain from straying into anything else apart from thinking about breathing and trying to stay calm, but as his body settled, all the awful memories floated back to the surface again.

“I feel sick.”

“Seb.”

“No really.”

 

Seb pushed Mark away and stumbled from the bed towards the bathroom, hardly knowing how his limbs were functioning. Mark tried to follow but by the time he had untangled himself from the duvet to go after him, Sebastian was knelt hunched over the toilet emptying his stomach. Mark sank down by Seb's side and could do nothing but watch and stroke his back, trying not to cry.

When he was done Mark helped Seb up to the sink to wash out his mouth and then sat him down by the bath. Sebastian felt too weak to do anything other than let him. Mark stroked a hand over Seb's hair as he sat by him, but as he did so Sebastian picked up his head that had sunk low and turned to Mark accusatorily.

“How could you not tell me?”

“What?”

“What happened. What he did to me. All that. You didn't... Why didn't you say? Why didn't you tell me what I couldn't remember?”

Mark was stunned. He had no idea what to say in response.

“I'm sorry.”

“Why didn't you tell me they weren't just bad dreams?”

“Seb, I didn't know.”

Mark shook his head helplessly. Sebastian hadn't told him the subject of his nightmares. How was he supposed to have known?

“Why didn't you _tell_ me?” repeated Sebastian.

His face crumpled and Seb started crying, not sure if he was really upset with Mark or it was at the terrible knowledge he now possessed.

 

Mark sat looking at him feeling almost equally shocked and at a loss.

“Sweetheart I... I didn't know. I'm sorry. I wasn't sure what you remembered. I didn't know that was what the nightmares were about. You didn't say.”

“I didn't know. I didn't know that's what it was,” explained Seb in an anguished tone.

 

Sebastian brushed at his eyes and Mark wanted to do it for him, but Seb seemed angry with him and he didn't know what to do. Seb was still crying but Mark wasn't sure he wanted him. He was shivering as he sat there and ordinarily Mark would have simply held on to him, but maybe that wasn't what Seb needed right now.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Mark once again.

Mark didn't get any response and he felt terrible, but he was more concerned at the way Seb's body's shaking was getting more pronounced. Mark knew that he had to do something. If Seb didn't want him, he had to at least try to help in whatever way he could.

“I'll just be a sec,” Mark excused and got up.

Sebastian let his head fall lower, his bottom lip jutting out unhappily. He didn't look back up as Mark left the room, instead pulling his knees up and burying his face there. All he could think was that Mark had known all this and had said nothing. How could Mark have not told him this was what he was missing? Something so huge, so terrible. How could he let that be a blank?

 

Moments later Mark reappeared. He'd taken a moment to pull on some tracksuit bottoms and grabbed the duvet off the bed to drag through with him. Mark crouched down by Sebastian, hating seeing how distressed he was.

“Here, just... You're cold.”

Mark draped the duvet behind Seb and wrapped it around him. Sebastian didn't resist. He _was_ cold and it felt comforting to have the warm cover around him. He took another deep breath and looked at Mark, not knowing what to say. Mark knelt in front of him, equally stumped. They sat that way for several minutes, neither seeming capable of speaking.

Mark tentatively reached out a hand and rubbed Seb's arm through the duvet, unsure if the touch would be welcomed or not. Sebastian looked up at Mark, still not speaking.

 

“Do you want anything?” tried Mark. “Do you want some water or your painkillers?”

Seb regarded him in the stark light of the bathroom. Mark looked pretty awful and Sebastian wasn't sure anymore if he was really upset with him or just upset generally. He wiped his eyes on a corner of the duvet and made himself speak.

“What time is it?” Sebastian asked quietly.

“Hm?”

The question seemed a curious one to Mark, then he realised.

“Oh, dunno. Want me to check?”

“I took some before.”

“Painkillers? Yeah okay, hang on.”

 

Mark left Seb again to go through to the bedroom, coming back in with the alternative two bottles and some water. If he couldn't console Seb as he wanted to, he could at least offer practical help.

“It's just gone four am. It's early, but I reckon you'd be alright. Does your head hurt?”

“Bit.”

Sebastian could hardly tell what he felt, everything was so churned up and he still felt shaky.

“Maybe the lighter ones, yeah?”

“Yeah okay,” allowed Seb quietly.

He took the proffered pill and swallowed it down with some water, the disgusting taste of vomit still lingering in his mouth. Mark put the things down on the floor and stayed where he was in front of Seb, feeling awkward.

“I'm sorry Seb. I thought your nightmares were about the crash and afterwards or, I don't know, I didn't realise. I should have said something. I didn't know what you remembered.”

Sebastian was pouting without meaning to, he look up at Mark and saw how tight his face was.

“I didn't know what you remembered about all that other stuff,” repeated Mark, “I didn't want to ask.”

“You should have said something.”

Mark shook his head unhappily.

“How could I? I couldn't do that. How could I tell you about that? I couldn't... I couldn't do that to you.”

Tears were leaking out as Mark apologised again.

“I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm really sorry.”

Seb was crying too, feeling awful at seeing Mark upset and knowing that he was punishing him for something that wasn't his fault. He looked up at him through his lashes and felt bad for rejecting him when Seb knew deep down that what he really wanted was the comfort Mark offered.

“Sorry,” sniffed Sebastian.

“No I should have said something.”

“It's not your fault.”

 

Mark brushed at his own face then shuffled a little closer so he could do that same for Seb, glad that he didn't reject the gesture.

“Will you sit with me?” requested Sebastian.

“Hm?”

Sebastian opened out the duvet wrapped around him and Mark got the message. He moved to sit by Seb, leaning back against the side of the bath and pulling the cover tightly around them as Sebastian pressed into him. Mark slid his arm around Seb's back and with his other pulled Sebastian tighter in as Seb put his head against Mark's shoulder. Mark felt the way Seb was still shivering and knew shock not cold was the cause.

“I'm so sorry darling. I messed up. I just... I didn't know whether you remembered or not. I didn't want to make you go there. I should have found a way to talk to you about it. I was stupid not to at least try, but I didn't know how.”

Seb looked up at him.

“No I'm sorry, it's not your fault. I didn't mean it, I just... Sorry.”

“No darling, it's okay.”

“Don't be angry with me.”

Mark turned his head further round so he could see Seb properly.

“How could I be angry with you? Hmm? No sweetheart. You're upset, of course you are.”

  


He stroked up and down Seb's arm and Sebastian put his own arm across Mark's torso to hold onto him.

“I'm sorry,” repeated Sebastian, still sounding unsettled.

“No. Shh sweetheart, no apologising. It's okay, it's okay.”

 

Mark leaned in and kissed Seb's nose before dropping his head to rest against Seb's. He'd knew that he'd fucked up yet again but Mark wasn't sure there really had been a good way to deal with this. How could he have brought up the subject of what had happened with Heikki and what Seb had been through without it hurting him?

Sebastian still felt horrible, but it was far better to be like this than being apart from Mark. Being upset with Mark for something that really wasn't his fault had only made Seb feel worse. He knew that blame was misdirected and he felt bad for pushing Mark away before. He buried his face in Mark's chest and closed his eyes, feeling how tightly Mark held onto him and the way that they were cocooned in the soft duvet. Sebastian didn't care that they were sat on the bathroom floor, he didn't think he could move if he tried. All Seb could manage was to drop his knees sideways so he was curled further round into Mark. He tried to shut out everything else but the feeling of security being so enveloped gave him.

Mark didn't say any more, he left his head resting against Seb's and waited while the shivering stopped and his breathing slowed further until he knew Seb was asleep. Mark lifted his head a little and took a deep breath. It might be preferable if they were back in bed but he didn't want to disturb Sebastian.

“I'm so sorry my darling,” he whispered, then rested his cheek back down against the top of Sebastian's head and kept him held tight.

He should have known this would happen. He should have _known_.

  


  


  


It was a couple of hours later when Mark raised his head again. He hadn't intended on falling asleep but despite being slightly uncomfortably sat on the floor, leaning on the side of the bath with the bright light above, the feeling of Sebastian breathing gently and steadily against him whilst they were both wrapped up warm in the duvet had been enough to let him slip away with Seb. Mark raised his head and turned it to look at Sebastian who was still asleep, his head resting against Mark's chest, his arm clinging around Mark's middle.

Mark took a deep breath and slowly pushed it out. He should have anticipated this, he should have guessed what Seb's dreams were about. Sebastian had been so frightened. Mark should have understood that the cause was buried memories far worse than the crash or being in hospital. Even with hindsight though Mark didn't know what he should have done to have headed this off.

 

Sebastian snuffled against him, then lifted his head. Mark helped him to sit and kept his hands on Seb's arms as he looked at him.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Hmm?”

Seb blinked and looked around trying to work out where they were. The bathroom? Why were they...

He took in a sharp breath as it all came back again and Mark watched him, anxious that Seb might fall into another bout of panicking.

“Seb?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you alright?”

Sebastian closed his eyes and couldn't think what to say. He wasn't alright. Seb felt the weight of all he had remembered again, but now the initial shock had passed the panic was gone. He merely felt a horrible sadness all the way down to his bones.

“Yeah,” breathed Seb, although he really wasn't at all.

Seb opened his eyes briefly, just to look at Mark, then slowly dropped his head to rest below Mark's shoulder, letting himself be held again. Sebastian wanted to cry and didn't want to at the same time. Mark judged well enough that there was nothing to be said. He could tell from the expression on Sebastian's face moments ago that he remembered. Mark lifted one hand and very carefully placed it to cradle the back of Sebastian's head and left it there holding him in.

  


  


Mark left it to Seb to let him know when he was ready to move some time later, sitting back up and letting the duvet fall away from covering him.

“Do you want to go back to bed?” asked Mark.

“Hm?”

Sebastian thought about it; He didn't want to go to bed, he wanted to shake all this weight off somehow.

“No.”

“No?”

“No. I want...”

Seb paused, then it came to him.

“...I want some air, I want to go outside.”

Mark frowned. It wasn’t yet light out, not properly at any rate.

“It's hardly dawn.”

“I need some fresh air, please.”

Mark nodded. That made some sense and besides Mark didn't want to oppose anything Seb wanted.

“Of course.”

  


By the time they had got up and pulled on clothes to go out Mark wasn't sure if it might not be a mistake to try doing anything. Seb was very quiet and moved slowly but he didn't want the help offered, leaving Mark worrying if Sebastian was still unhappy with him. Stood downstairs in the hall, Mark was wondering what Seb really wanted to do.

“Do you want to get a cup of tea and maybe sit in the garden?” proposed Mark.

“I want to take the dogs for a walk.”

Mark opened his mouth to argue that it was still only half light, but he shut it again and merely nodded. They found coats and Mark handed Sebastian a hat knowing it would be cold out at this time despite the fact that it was only the end of September. Once ready they went through and roused the dogs. Mark ducked down by their baskets and gave them a rub.

“We're going for an early walk boys, up you get.”

Mark glanced at the time; 7.02am. No wonder the dogs looked rather surprised to be going out at this time. He gave them another stroke as he clipped on their leads and crossed the kitchen to join Sebastian where he stood waiting.

“'kay?”

Seb gave the most fractional of nods in reply. He didn't want to talk, neither one of them knew what there was to say.

 

Mark took Seb's hand as they each took a lead and walked down the drive. Mark wasn't certain that they were likely to get further than going along the lane, but as they reached the footpath Sebastian turned to him.

“Can we go up the hill?”

Mark puffed a breath. They had been walking very slowly and he knew Seb was running on low energy. Mark didn't want Seb to push himself too hard, but neither did he want to say no to him. He nodded and squeezed his hand, rationalising that it didn't really matter if they didn't get very far or how slow they went.

“Sure.”

He pushed open the narrow gate and they took the branch right and headed on up. It was at least light enough now that they could see their way. Slow as their progress was up the shallow sloping path, they did eventually reach the top. The bench was somewhat damp and cold but neither of them cared and they took their usual seat. Mark moved his arm to put it around Seb who leaned into him, resting his head on Mark's shoulder.

They didn't speak. Not for a long time. Instead they watched the sun slowly rise on the horizon, lighting up the countryside all around them. The fields spread out below were filled with a dense white autumnal mist hanging just a few feet deep, like clouds that had flown too low and been caught on the ground.

“It's beautiful,” noted Sebastian quietly.

Mark took a breath and turned his head to look at him almost surprised to hear the silence broken.

“Hm?”

“The countryside. It looks beautiful like this, almost like it's not real.”

Mark smiled softly and replied equally quietly.

“Yeah. I know what you mean.”

There was something ethereal about the sight in front of them. It seemed almost hard to believe that anyone else was out there; In the distant villages below, people would be getting ready for their day, rushing about grabbing breakfast, showering, dressing and going about their business as usual. Up here Mark and Sebastian felt completely cut off from all that. If you listened very carefully you could hear the occasional noise of a car engine from somebody making an early start drifting across, but it was faint and far off, not enough to disturb them. Up here the most that they could really hear was the birds chorusing the dawn, but no sign of the birds those calls originated from.

The dogs were as quiet as Mark and Seb were. Seeming to read their mood they didn't push for sticks to be thrown, nor bark, nor do anything other than sit peacefully by their feet. Mark wondered if they understood something was wrong, or if they too were a little tired by being woken early and led up here when this wasn't a part of their usual routine.

“How's your head?”

Seb gave a shrug. He could really describe how his head felt now other than 'too full'.

“You're not cold are you?” checked Mark.

Sebastian lifted his head back up to look at him, knowing Mark was worrying about him.

“No I'm okay.”

“Good.”

They had their winter coats on. Although it appeared that a clear blue sky was in the offing, the sun had yet to fully warm the air around them. Mark wondered what the time was. He couldn't check his watch as that would mean removing his arm from around Seb and he wasn't about to do that. Mark gave Seb a little smile thinking how cute he looked in that woolly beanie hat and tried not to feel guilty for having such a shallow thought when Sebastian was upset.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and slowly let it out before sitting up more.

“I'm sorry I had a go at you, that wasn't fair.”

Mark shook his head.

“You've every right to be upset with me. It's okay.”

“No, it's not. I'm sorry, it was just at first. I was... I don't know, it was the shock I think. I’m not upset with you. I'm just upset.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Mark gave Seb's arm a rub.

“You do so much for me. I shouldn't be ungrateful,” continued Sebastian.

Seb had been thinking over things as they sat on the bench in silence, remembering not merely the horrors of his past, but all that had followed; How Mark had been there for him when no one else had, how he had saved him, how unfailingly kind and supportive and generous Mark had been with his time and care and how he had opened his home and his heart to Seb long before there was anything between them but the most unlikely of friendships.

“You don't need to be grateful. That's not how it works,” countered Mark.

“I am though.”

Sebastian was looking up at him with those big blue eyes and Mark thought how he would always do anything those eyes appealed of him. Mark gave him a soft smile and reached over with his spare hand to take Seb's in his, letting their clasped hands rest between them as he looked sincerely at him.

“I love you. I'd do anything for you. You don't have to be grateful. All you have to do is love me back.”

“I do.”

Mark smiled a little wider.

“I know you do, so it's okay.”

He stroked his thumb over the back of Seb's hand.

“I'm the one who should be saying sorry. I can't imagine how horrible a shock it was to remember... what happened.”

Even now Mark couldn't bring himself to be more specific. Seb could only give a half-shrug in reply and looked down a moment. Mark saw the glance away and still felt bad about the mistake he had made.

“I didn't know what you remembered sweetheart. I'm sorry. I should have found a way to deal with this, but I just...” Mark let out a sigh. “I didn't know how. I didn't want to bring it up. I didn't want to upset you by making you think about all that even if you did remember. I don't know, I guess I thought, maybe if you didn't remember, maybe that was a good thing for now at least, that it might be too much. I didn't think what could happen if you did... I never imagined it could come back to you like this. It was stupid of me.”

“No Mark, don't blame yourself. I didn't mean to make you feel bad about it.”

Mark thought he should try to do know what he had failed to before.

“I hate to ask, but...”

Mark sighed, this was unbelievably hard.

“What do you remember now? Is it, I mean, all the bad stuff, what happened with... him, what he did, how he hurt you?”

Seb looked at him and gave him a tiny sad shake of his head.

“Everything, I think, more than enough, too much.”

God, no wonder he'd had an attack, thought Mark, all those horrific memories hitting all at once.

“It was like...” Seb shrugged, “trapdoor.”

Not the first time he had to use that description of the way devastating memories had taken him by surprise, Seb remembered that too.

Mark nodded sadly, no gradual easing into that kind of horror, not for Seb. How could he be surprised?

“I'm so sorry sweetheart. I should have found a better way to handle this, I should have talked to you, tried to save you from this but I didn't think you were ready. I think a part of me didn't want you to remember. A part of me hoped you wouldn't.”

Mark swallowed hard, trying not to let his emotions overrun.

“You always used to say that you wanted to forget it, that you wished you could just wipe all that away and I think, I think a really stupid part of me hoped it could come true, and all that could be gone, as if something good could come out of all this. It was stupid, I'm so sorry sweetheart, I'm so sorry.”

Sebastian saw Mark's eyes filled with tears and had to work hard not to cry himself.

“No Liebling, not stupid, that wasn't stupid. I wish I _could_ forget again now.”

Mark huffed an almost laugh at the irony despite himself and Seb matched it with a tiny smile.

“It was because you cared, not because you didn't,” continued Seb, “and it doesn't matter what you say, I _am_ grateful for that.”

 

Mark didn't want to oppose such a generous sentiment so all he did was lower his head down to rest his forehead against Seb's and pull him in a little tighter. It didn't matter that their hats were in the way, or that their thick coats muffled their hug, they felt it just the same. Seb wanted to focus on how loved and secure Mark made him feel and not think of the rest for now. He tipped his head up and pressed for a kiss and Mark responded, glad more than anything that they were okay. Any other problems, no matter how serious, they could solve as long as they were okay with each other.

The kiss deepened and for a few moments they were allowed to forget that they had problems to worry about and only when they pulled apart for air did it hit home again. Seb distracted himself from thinking about it by giving the dogs a pet, each of them happily pressing in to receive the strokes and have their ears ruffled in they way Seb knew they enjoyed. The dogs never changed towards him, they loved him just as surely as Mark did, whether he was happy or sad, they were always pleased to see him.

Mark reached over and gave the dogs a stroke as well.

“Poor boys you must wonder what's been going on lately.”

“I think they're just glad we're home.”

Mark gave a tip of his head. No doubt that was true.

“Are you still warm enough?” Mark checked.

“M'alright. Guess my hands are a bit cold. Should've brought gloves.”

“Hm.”

Mark took both of Sebastian's hands in his and rubbed them between his own, feeling how cold they were.

“Maybe we should head back?” suggested Mark.

 

Sebastian glanced back out at the view. It was properly light now, but the mist still lingered in the fields, the sky beyond was now a wonderful pink at the edges. He didn't want to leave.

“Can we stay? Just a while longer.”

“If you want to.”

“I love it here. It's always so peaceful. It makes me feel calm.”

Mark nodded, Seb feeling calm and happier was all he wanted.

“Sure. Here, I've an idea.”

Mark undid his coat and Seb frowned slightly, wondering what he was doing.

“Put your arms around me.”

It took Seb another moment, then he understood. He slinked one arm around Mark's back inside the coat and the other around his front as Mark pulled his coat so Sebastian was almost entirely enclosed in it. Seb squashed up tight as Mark held him in.

“How's that?”

Sebastian lifted his head to look at him.

“You're not cold?”

“You keep me warm,” smiled Mark.

Seb smiled back then dropped his head again to rest just below Mark's shoulder, turning slightly so he could continue to look out at the view. His hands were far warmer tucked inside Mark's coat and it felt good to be so wrapped up together.

  


Only after another long spell of quiet did Mark risk mentioning something he had been thinking about.

“I've been wondering... Look I know you probably won't like this, but I think we ought to talk to Dr. Roberts about the attacks you get.”

Sebastian sat up, looking as discomforted by the idea as Mark knew he would be.

“I know you don't want anyone to know, but she's a doctor and, well, I've been wondering for a while about this, I think it might be important.”

“Mark I don't want to.”

Mark sighed. He didn't want to push it, but he felt he had to.

“I know sweetheart, I know, but this morning you really scared me.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No, it's not your fault darling, but I mean if you'd passed out. I really think I would have had to take you to the hospital. I know I would.”

“But I didn't,” protested Seb.

Mark sighed again. He didn't want to suggest that it could happen again, but he couldn't leave this.

“I worry what it does to you when you get an attack darling, I get so scared. You've passed out before and I was really frightened that you might hurt yourself.”

“You think there's something wrong with me?” asked Seb with alarm.

“No, no sweetheart, I just, I worry... And now after the accident, I just... I think we should talk to her.”

Sebastian wanted to say no, but he could hear the concern in Mark's voice and knew it wasn't fair to leave him worrying about this, especially when it was Mark who had to deal with Seb when he had attacks. Sebastian knew that it was a lot to ask of a person, he hadn't really thought about how distressing it must be for Mark to see what was happening and to try to help without any kind of medical background.

“She might be able to help?” tried Mark.

Seb was quiet for a moment.

“If you really don't want to,” subsided Mark.

“No, I guess... I mean she's a doctor, the brain's her speciality, maybe it might be okay to ask?”

“We could ring and see if she could fit us in?”

“Today you mean?”

Seb had been thinking of their next scheduled visit.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian was still reluctant, but if they were going to do it, maybe sooner was better.

“Okay then,” agreed Mark, relieved to think they were doing something about this and also hoping that if they could get an appointment today it would be a weight off his mind that Seb would be checked out after what had happened earlier. He hadn't passed out, but even so, Mark was sure it couldn't have been good for Seb, especially in his condition.

Thinking he may as well get more than one thing out of the way, Mark decided to press on.

“Also I was wondering...” Mark paused, then risked it, “you do remember Dr. Menton, don't you?”

It almost came as a surprise to Sebastian that he did, but in amongst all the rest of those memories about his struggles to deal with his past, his therapist was a part of it. Now that he consciously remembered, it seemed strange that he hadn't before.It was as if all the barriers to his recollections had dissolved, at least as far as his general life, everything around Monza remained as blank as before.

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded.

“Do you think maybe it might be an idea to see him?”

“Yeah alright, not today though,” accepted Seb.

“Alright.”

One step at a time, thought Mark, they were big enough steps as it was.

 

“It's gonna be okay,” reassured Mark.

He didn't know whether he was referring to the specifics of Seb getting the help he needed from his doctors, or more generally, but he hoped it was both.

Sebastian squeezed his arms tighter around Mark and gained a matching squeeze in return. Mark dipped his head low enough to kiss Seb's forehead below the edge of his hat.

“Shall we go home now?”

“Yeah 'kay,” agreed Seb, finally pulling away.

“Come on boys we're going home,” instructed Mark.

They stood up, gave the dogs a pat to encourage them to come along and turned to head back down the gentle slope of the footpath back to the house. Mark and Sebastian's hands slipped naturally back together and they made their way down as slowly as they had come up. Seb felt the warmth of Mark's hand in his. Mark said everything was going to be okay, he never said what he didn't mean. Seb squeezed his hand and felt Mark's response. He still felt pretty awful, but Mark had to be right, they'd be okay, somehow.

  


 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, there was something horribly predictable about that wasn't there? Cheery fare for a Monday evening, but hey this is just they way it was going to go. All up from here, right? Maybe...


	88. Help - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quite unbelievably this story is coming up to it's anniversary. Yes I've been writing this for a *whole* year!  
> This wasn't meant to happen, I just had this little idea and it spiralled hugely bigger than I ever imagined.  
> So here on the longest day of the year I have the first of a two-parter (also appropriate given how many of my chapters are this way).

* * *

 

 

 

They sat opposite Dr. Roberts, Mark's chair up close to Sebastian's, his hand casually resting in Seb's. Once they had got home Mark had persuaded Seb to drink some sweetened tea and eat just a little something to give him some energy to try to overcome the shock Mark knew he was still suffering from. Then they went back to bed for a while, Mark waiting until Seb was settled before he went downstairs and rang the hospital asking for Dr. Roberts and on not getting her, leaving a message requesting she ring him back, which she had done as soon as she could, knowing that Mark was unlikely to have tried to contact her if it wasn't important.

 

For now there was an awkward silence. Seb didn't know how he was meant to bring up what he needed to discuss and Mark didn't want to speak for him. Dr. Roberts could sense there was a strange atmosphere. Seb hadn't spoken other than to quietly say hello, it had been Mark that had thanked her for making time for them at short notice. In truth she wouldn't normally have done this, but she was scheduled some office time after lunch and it wasn't too disappointing to have to put that to one side.

“So... how can I be of help?” she prompted.

Sebastian glanced to Mark by his side and the doctor didn't fail to notice the squeeze of Seb's hand he got in response. Sebastian looked at her and tried to speak, then didn't know how to begin.

Getting nothing, Dr. Roberts tried again.

“Has something happened?”

She presumed it must have done, but quite what she didn't know.

Mark looked at Seb, trying to encourage him but he could tell that Seb was struggling so he decided to get them started.

“Yeah, umm okay, so you know that we were talking about things coming back?” Mark began.

“Memories?”

“Yeah.”

“Something significant's come back to you Seb?”

Sebastian gripped Mark's hand tighter and he knew that Seb didn't want him to say. They'd discussed before coming here that Seb only had to say what he was comfortable with.

Getting no reply, Dr. Roberts pressed on.

“Can you tell me about it?”

She looked directly at Sebastian, but all she got in return was the tiniest fractional shake of his head and Dr. Roberts had to suppress the urge to tell him not to waste her time. She pushed that away. Sebastian was clearly anxious, she just had to let him do this in his own time. Dr. Roberts leaned in a little closer to Seb, trying to encourage him.

“I take it this is related to your bad dreams and disrupted sleep?”

“Yeah,” managed Seb, feeling as if his mouth had been welded shut until now.

“So you've worked out what that was? You've remembered something?” she guessed.

“Yeah.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Dr. Roberts wanted to sigh, but Seb's voice was so quiet and it didn't take a lot to work to work out that there was something distressing him.

“Something upsetting?”

Seb looked down and she saw the way Mark was concentrating on him, whispering a barely audible, “It's okay,” to Seb and slowly stroking his thumb over the back of Sebastian's hand before looking up at her and giving her a small nod which she reflected.

“I'm sure that was unpleasant for you.”

Sebastian lifted his head back up. 'Unpleasant' didn't begin to cover it.

“How can I help?” Dr. Roberts tried, thinking there must surely be a reason they came here.

 

Seb bit his lip and balled up his spare hand tight. He could feel his heart beating faster and the building of the 'fight or flight' impulse. He released his lip and took a deep breath, knowing he had to be the one to do this. Seb knew Mark wouldn't speak on his behalf in case he revealed something that Seb didn't want. Sebastian closed his eyes for a second and then looked at her, remembering what she had said previously. He took a calming breath and forced himself to start.

“Doc, you said... if I tell you something, it's confidential?”

“Of course.”

“So if I tell you something you won't tell anybody?”

“Of course not.”

“I mean _anyone?”_

Sebastian swallowed nervously and couldn't stop the breath he took in shaking. He kept a tight hold of Mark's hand.

“Seb, that's what confidential means. I won't tell anyone anything you tell me. Your medical records are completely private.”

Dr. Roberts would have considered Sebastian's anxiety a sign of paranoia in other circumstances, but given that he had required a constant security guard outside his hospital room whilst here, following the outrageous intrusion he had suffered in Italy, she had to accept that it wasn't an unreasonable response; You weren't paranoid if they really were out to get you.

“I promise you, anything you tell me will go no further,” she reiterated firmly.

“Okay.”

Seb was building himself up, looking to Mark who gave him a little nod, but he still felt as if there was glue in his mouth. Dr. Roberts was having to call on all her patience not to push him, although she could see only too well that he needed coaxing.

“Has something happened? To do with your returning memories? Is that what you want to talk about?”

 

Sebastian screwed up his courage and pushed the words out.

“I had an attack.”

“An attack?”

“A panic attack,” explained Mark.

Dr. Roberts opened her mouth and then closed it again. There was something in the way that they spoke that suggested a familiarity with the term.

“What happened exactly?”

Sebastian looked at her, thinking that he'd just told her, surely as a doctor she must know what a panic attack was?

“Do you mean specifically?” asked Mark, seeing Seb pause.

“Yes.”

“Oh. I...”

Seb looked up to Mark appealing to him to help, feeling he couldn't do this.

“Seb?” pressed Dr. Roberts.

Sebastian looked back to her. He could feel his skin creeping and his heart-rate rising. It crossed his mind that there would be tragic irony to him suffering an attack whilst trying to tell his doctor that he suffered from attacks.

“I couldn't breathe. I... my skin gets too hot and I felt sick, I was sick. I... I couldn't stop shaking, I get dizzy, light-headed and...”

Sebastian took a sharp breath in and Mark let go his hand so he could put it around him.

“It's okay,” assured Mark.

 

That sounded pretty textbook to Dr. Roberts. She had noted the confused way Sebastian had switched between tenses in his description. Despite the fact she knew English was his second language, she was fairly certain it wasn't merely a grammatical error. Right now though that was less important than how distressed Seb seemed. She shifted her chair a little closer to the pair of them and tried to make sure she was looking Sebastian in the eye.

“Seb, it's alright. You don't need to worry about what you are telling me here. I'm glad you came to me. I'm sure that must have been very frightening, for both of you.”

She glanced at Mark, but he made no comment, merely keeping his arm around Sebastian.

“You say you struggled to breathe. Do you mean you were hyperventilating?”

It was Mark that nodded back but she continued to address her questions to Sebastian.

“And you got light-headed?”

“Yeah,” managed Seb quietly.

“Did you actually pass out?”

“No.”

“But you vomited?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Any other effects?”

There was a pause, so Mark answered.

“He was shaking pretty badly, then just shivering.”

“From cold or shock would you say?”

“Shock I think.”

“I see.”

Dr. Roberts took a deep breath.

“This occurred this morning?”

“About four am,” replied Mark.

 

Dr. Roberts looked at the clock on the wall; that made it almost ten hours ago now. Ideally she would have seen Sebastian sooner, but when Mark had contacted her first thing he hadn't explained what the problem was.

“And how are you feeling now?”

Sebastian shrugged. He didn't think 'pretty crappy' was a reply you could give to a doctor.

“Do you still feel any of the effects? Nausea, dizziness?”

“No.”

Sebastian's voice was so soft she had to strain to hear it.

“Anxiety?”

Seb squished his face and gave a tiny shrug, it was clearly a yes. Dr. Roberts looked to Mark.

“And what did you do?” she asked him, trying to make sure her tone wasn't accusatory, the doctor simply needed the facts to try to treat her patient.

“Just, get him to slow, to try help him to control his breathing, then, keep him warm, look after him.”

“Alright. Seb I want to run some checks to make sure you're okay.”

 

Sebastian gave a tiny acquiescing nod and Mark let go of him to allow the doctor to check Sebastian's pulse and blood pressure, listening to his heart, examining his eyes and asking a few more specific questions to check his general responsiveness. He was clearly still agitated, but Dr. Roberts suspected that part of his current distress was due to the fact that having to speak to her about this made Seb even more anxious.

 

“Okay, well I don't think there's anything too much we need to be concerned about other than letting you have a rest and making sure you eat something.”

“He has had something,” noted Mark.

“Good. Okay, well then I think we need to have a bit more of a chat about why this occurred. You said it was a result of your disrupted sleep and returning memories?”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

Seb sounded far more anxious again and she knew she had to tread carefully, but Dr. Roberts knew she couldn't leave it at that.

“I understand, but I'm guessing it was upsetting. Was it to do with your accident? Were you remembering the crash?”

Sebastian gave a tiny shake of his head.

“Something else then?”

“Please, I _can't_...”

 

Seb sounded distraught and the last thing Dr. Roberts wanted to do was upset him again but she was struggling to understand what was going on. She looked to Mark who shook his head.

“Please don't push him, okay doc?”

The doctor hesitated, clearly needing more, so Mark continued, giving all that he thought he could without betraying Seb.

“It was stuff from the past, it hit all at once and it was too much for him,” he explained.

“Something traumatic?”

Sebastian's eyes were squeezed tight and Mark's arm was back around him. She had her answer.

“You can't tell me? It might help. I promise anything you tell me will go no further.”

Seb simply gave another tiny shake of his head.

 

No, accepted Dr. Roberts. She tried to think of all she knew about Sebastian. There had been a lot of stories in the papers about some kind of bad relationship in his past, stalking and confrontations at a race or his home. She couldn't quite recall the details and there was no way to know how accurate the stories were, but looking at Seb now she had her suspicions. If that was the cause it didn't take a lot to guess that there was more to it than the papers described to distress Sebastian this badly and for Mark to behave in such a protective manner.

 

“Okay, if you don't want to talk about the specifics of what triggered this, can you tell me a little more of what happened with your returning memories? You said it was too much, do you mean you got a big chunk of recollections back in one go?”

“Yeah,” allowed Sebastian.

“I see.”

“Is that normal? A lot coming back all at once?” asked Mark.

“It can happen, especially if the memories are related to one another. Was that the case here?”

Sebastian gave a tiny nod.

“But you don't want to talk about them?”

An equally small shake of the head.

If they couldn't discuss that, then Dr. Roberts knew she had to tackle the other aspect that concerned her.

“Have you had more attacks since your accident?”

“No.”

Mark looked at Sebastian and pulled a slight face.

“Hmm.”

“Mark?” pressed Dr. Roberts.

Mark was communicating silently with Seb, gaining his permission to speak.

“Maybe not so severe, but a few times...”

Seb looked at him and Mark gave him a slightly apologetic look back, but if they were going to talk about this he had to be honest.

 

“Can you describe them?”

“When Seb woke up and didn't know where he was, obviously that was pretty horrible for him, so...”

“He had panic attacks?”

“I don't know. I'm not sure if you'd call it that.”

“What effects were there?”

“Heart racing, breathing too fast, disorientation.”

Dr. Roberts sighed. That sounded like panic attacks to her, though of course there were scales to these things.

“Ah Mark, I wish you'd said something.”

“I'm sorry. It wasn't always so extreme, but... I don't know, it was all mixed up with the concussion. I'm not sure I knew which was which.”

“No, okay.”

What point was there in casting blame, thought Dr. Roberts. She looked back at Sebastian who was finally looking at her again.

“Did you actually pass out at any point?”

“No.”

“I don't think what happened here was part of that. I'm sure that was just the concussion,” asserted Mark.

 

Dr. Roberts was tempted to remind Mark that he wasn't the doctor and that he ought to have informed her of this issue to begin with so she could judge what help Seb needed.

“No. Okay, well... I wish you'd told me, but never mind now. As I've explained before, heightened anxiety isn't uncommon after suffering a severe concussion. Panic attacks are a more extreme reaction, but not unheard of. Normally panic attacks shouldn't pose a particular physical threat to you, but obviously following your accident, things are rather different. The main concern is that it puts a strain on your body Seb; the increase in your blood pressure and heart-rate isn't good for you, even more so the potential for breathing difficulties to deprive your brain of oxygen. That could be quite serious given that you are recovering from a brain trauma. At any point did you stop breathing or lose consciousness no matter how briefly?”

“No.”

“Okay, well that's good and I can't detect any measurable damage done, but obviously the concern would be if it is an ongoing issue as a result of your injury.”

“I don't think, I mean, this morning... It was because of what happened. It was all those bad memories coming in at once. That can't happen again so...”

It was the longest speech Seb had made in all the time he had been there and Dr. Roberts still wished she could ask him more about what those bad memories were.

“You're sure you don't want to talk about that? It might help?”

“No.”

Seb's voice had gone quiet again. Dr. Roberts nodded. Perhaps straight after the attack wasn't the time. She took a different approach, trying to make sure she kept her tone calm and unthreatening.

 

“Okay, so regarding what you have remembered, just more generally, would you say that you can remember everything now?”

“Yeah, pretty much I think.”

“You remember the crash?”

“Oh, no, sorry not that. I still don't remember that or anything really from Italy, just a bit from the hospital but it's blurry and I think I might be confusing that with being here.”

“I see. But you feel you have more normal recollections about the rest of your life?”

“I think so, maybe not everything, I'm not sure I remember all the details about things like racing, all the technical stuff. I don't think I could get in and drive my car right now.”

“No well I wouldn't expect you to be doing that anyway. I'd say that would be a pretty advanced demand on your memory.”

“But the general stuff about my life and...” Sebastian paused, “my past.”

Dr. Roberts nodded.

“Well that's obviously a big leap in your level of amnesia. That must have been a shock to the system anyway.”

Without whatever else was troubling him, she thought.

 

Mark regarded Sebastian. He knew that Seb might want to leave it there, but he didn't think they should. When they had discussed this before it had been to agree that they should tell the doctor about Seb's panic attacks, not just the one from today. It felt as though they were misleading her into thinking that the cause was the accident but they both knew that wasn't originally how they started. He tried to look encouragingly to Seb to get him to tell her, but it seemed as though he was stuck again, so Mark bit the bullet.

“Thing is doc, it's not...” Mark sighed, “it's not just since the crash. I know I should have told you before and I'm sorry, but this isn't something new.”

He half expected Sebastian to say something, but he simply sat there allowing Mark to speak.

Dr. Roberts hardly knew what to say for a moment, there was much more here that she didn't know and it seemed getting them to share any of it with her was like getting blood out of a stone.

“You've suffered from them before?”

She looked deliberately at Seb, trying to encourage him to be the one to respond rather than letting Mark.

“Yeah,” whispered Sebastian.

“Frequently?”

“No, not really, just when something really bad happens, when things have got into the papers or he's done something.”

“He?”

Seb's eyes opened wide and he took a sharp breath in as he realised he'd let slip something he hadn't meant to. Mark turned further in to him.

“It's okay, it's okay,” he reassured, making sure he had eye-contact with Seb.

Dr. Roberts could see how on edge Sebastian was. It wasn't hard to appreciate how this level of anxiety slipped into panic attacks.

“You can't tell me?”

Sebastian was giving her nothing now so she looked to Mark who was looking to Seb trying to check it was okay to give her a fraction of explanation.

“Just, there's some stuff in the past, for Seb... it's not good.”

“Okay and this is the cause you think?”

“Yeah.”

“Sebastian, I know this is difficult, but I really think it would help to talk about it. Have you not had any help with this before?”

Sebastian took a deep breath and tried to build himself up to be brave and explain a little more so Mark wasn't having to do all of this.

“I see my therapist.”

“Oh, I see. But you've not spoken to a doctor?”

“He is a doctor.”

“He's a psychiatrist?”

“Yes.”

Dr. Roberts was glad to hear he was properly qualified. Sebastian obviously required real help.

“So you've spoken to them about this?”

“Yeah, he helped. I used to get more of them and Henry helped me deal with them better and I don't think I got so many.”

“How frequently?”

Seb shrugged.

“Sometimes not for months, but then something would happen.”

“And how long has this been going on for?”

Seb shrugged again. It was hard to measure seeing as he'd suffered the effects long before he understood what the attacks really were.

“Years I guess.”

“And how severe were they?”

“It varied.”

“Same symptoms?”

“Yeah pretty much.”

“Did you ever lose consciousness?”

“Sometimes.”

Dr. Roberts puffed a breath.

“You never sought medical help?”

“I saw Dr. Menton.”

“That's your psychiatrist?”

“Yeah.”

 

The doctor hid a sigh, how could people keep so much to themselves? At least Sebastian had been seeing someone, even if she wasn't too impressed that he had lost consciousness and still not sought medical help. This wasn't really the time to argue the case for medical versus psychological treatment.

“Okay, look Seb, Mark, if this happens again, certainly if you should pass out, you can't just ignore it, you need to see a doctor, an actual medical doctor, preferably me. Have you not spoken to your team doctor about this, Dr. Phillips?”

“No.”

“Seb don't you think you should?”

“No. Please. If they knew, if the team knew... They'd never let me in the car. I'd lose my whole career.”

Sebastian's voice was rising, a distinct note of panic increasing.

“Okay, okay, it's alright Seb,” soothed Dr. Roberts.

“Please don't tell him. You said you wouldn't. Please?”

 

Dr. Roberts wanted to argue that she thought it fairly important that the most regular medical contact he had was aware of this, but Seb was far too upset to deal with her pushing it.

“Okay. I won't. I've given my word not to pass on anything you don't want me to. I'm not going to break that.”

She saw the way Sebastian had leaned further into Mark. He was obviously too fragile to confront the wider issues here.

“It's not to do with racing, it's not part of that at all,” justified Sebastian.

“Okay, I understand.”

“You won't say anything?”

“No Seb, I said I won't. You can trust me, alright?”

“Okay.”

 

This was clearly a more serious problem. Dr. Roberts consoled herself that she would have to approach the matter over time.

“Have you seen your therapist recently?”

“Not since the accident.”

“We're going to get back in touch with him,” explained Mark. “See if we can go and see him, or Seb anyway.”

“I see. Well I think that would be a good thing. If you've spoken to him about the attacks I take it he knows more about it, more about... the background to all this?”

“Yeah, Henry knows. He's the only one, nobody else,” explained Sebastian.

“You must trust him?”

Seb gave a little nod.

“Okay, perhaps if you can discuss this with him that would help. In the meantime I need to know that you're going to be alright?”

“I'll be okay,” assured Sebastian.

“I could prescribe something for anxiety?”

“No.”

“No, okay.”

Dr. Roberts wasn't surprised given Sebastian's prior attitude to his medication.

“I'm going to give you some leaflets that might help and we can talk some more when you're next in. Mark, can I ask? Have you been with Seb through most of these panic attacks?”

“Mostly, since he came to live with me, yeah.”

“How long is that?”

“Start of last year, I suppose that's nearly two years now.”

“And to help him you've just done as you said? You've not actually had any outside assistance or medical advice?”

Mark shrugged.

“I read a few things, but yeah, just tried to help, stop things going too far if I could, made sure he was okay. You don't think I've been making things worse?”

“No Mark I'm not criticising you, I think that's a lot to take on.”

Mark shook his head, it was nothing compared to what Seb dealt with.

“Am I doing the right thing? Is there anything else I ought to be doing to help?”

“No what you've said sounds about right; to try to help Seb control his breathing as much as possible, make sure he doesn't hurt himself, stop him going into too much shock, make sure he rests. Getting some air can be a good thing, just a short walk can help if he feels up to it.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Obviously I'm hoping that you don't have another attack, but if you do Seb, I would ask that you call me, can you do that?”

“Yes,” answered Mark.

Dr. Roberts leaned a little lower to get Sebastian's eye. It was all very well Mark responding, but she needed to know that she was reaching Sebastian too.

“ _Seb,_ that'll be okay?”

“Yes, okay,” replied Sebastian.

“And if you should have a more severe attack, if you pass out, however briefly, Mark I need you to promise me that you will bring Seb in, no hesitation, he needs to come to A&E,” instructed Dr. Roberts.

“I will. I'm sorry I didn't before.”

“Well I understand you both had concerns, but this is different now; Seb you are still recovering from your injury, we can't risk that. Do you both understand?”

Mark nodded and Seb gave a quiet 'yeah'.

“Okay, well if you don't want to discuss more, perhaps we should leave it till you're next in. I hope that talking to your therapist will help.”

“Thank you and you won't...”

“I won't be discussing this with anyone Seb. When is it you are due to go into your work, assuming you still are?”

“Yes, I am, Friday.”

“Okay, well I will speak to Dr. Phillips tomorrow, only on the original basis we discussed, so don't worry about that.”

“You won't tell him about today?”

“Not if you don't want me to.”

Sebastian let out a relieved sigh.

“Thank you.”

 

Dr. Roberts wasn't satisfied that was enough, but it would have to do for now. She couldn't break her promise or Sebastian would never trust her and she suspected that trust was in small supply. If she wanted to help him then she needed him to trust her. Perhaps when he was in a stronger position they could revisit the matter.

“Until then get some rest and take care of yourself, make sure you eat even if you don't feel like it.”

“'kay.”

“Mark.”

Mark gave the doctor a solid nod.

“Okay then. I'm glad you came to see me. Just give me a moment while I fetch those leaflets.”

The doctor left the room and Seb dropped his head onto Mark shoulder and got the hug he needed.

“You did great.”

“Hmm.”

Seb looked up at Mark.

“You don't think she'll say anything?”

“No, she won't. She can't Seb, it's okay.”

“Yeah alright.”

Mark leaned in and kissed Sebastian's temple just before Dr. Roberts walked back in and handed them the leaflets.

“We can talk more next week, but you'll remember what I said?”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, well feel better Seb.”

“Thanks.”

 

The pair exited the room and Dr. Roberts was left to think things over. She had a feeling there was a can of worms as yet unopened there. Given Sebastian's anxiety and level of distrust she suspected there was every chance she might never find out. She'd just have to do the best she could and hope this Dr. Menton picked up the rest. Maybe she should look him up and just make sure he checked out to make sure he was the right person to be helping Sebastian. She could do that later. Dr Roberts walked back around to her desk and looked at the piles of paperwork lying waiting. It could carry on waiting, she needed a coffee, a strong one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On returning home, Mark wasn't surprised that Seb wasn't up to more than sitting with him on the sofa, half watching something unchallenging on TV with the dogs at their feet, occasionally giving them a stroke to help them feel better. When Mark decided it was time to make some dinner he suggested Seb stay where he was in the lounge with the dogs for company, but Sebastian preferred to come through to the kitchen to sit at the table. The sofa might be more comfortable, but he would rather stay close to Mark.

Seb didn't quite feel up to offering to help, though he knew Mark wouldn't expect it. In an odd way it reminded Sebastian of how things used to be when he first came here; Him sat at the table, feeling a little helpless and shaken up, a sense of slight guilt that he was depending so much on Mark to take care of him and yet knowing that Mark did it without question, never asking anything in return. The dogs wound their way around his legs, brushing up against him, hoping for a stroke and a little show of affection. Like Mark they had taken him in and cared for him right from the start. Seb knew he was very lucky. There was no way he could get through this without them all, their funny little family unit. Mark did so much for him, too much really. Seb still felt weak but he knew that he had to work hard to get better so that Mark wouldn't have to carry so much.

 

As Mark brought over their plates of food he sat at right-angles to Seb at the table so he could see him.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah, thanks. I will try and help more.”

Mark shook his head, “don't worry about it. It's no big deal to cook a bit, especially after your mum's been doing all that last week.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Seb tried to pick his mood up for Mark.

“This looks nice.”

Mark smiled.

“Thanks, just stir-fry, nothing special.”

“You're pretty special Liebling.”

Mark looked at him for a moment, then leaned over to give Sebastian a kiss on the cheek.

“So are you. Now eat up, doctor's orders.”

“'kay.”

Sebastian determined to eat every bit of the food put in front of him. He really wasn't all that hungry but the doctor had said it was important and more to the point, Mark had made it for him. Now that he had eaten, Seb did have to admit that he felt slightly better for it.

 

They finished their meal and Mark cleared away. As he made them a couple of mugs of tea Mark watched the way Sebastian petted the dogs by the table. They'd been sticking close to him all day. Mark swore they knew, if not precisely what the problem was, that Seb needed them.

He sat back down and pushed across Seb's mug. Mark hadn't put sugar in it like he had done earlier in the day as he knew Seb didn't really like it and he'd eaten his meal so Mark reasoned he had enough energy supplied to keep his blood-sugar balanced out.

“Thanks.”

Seb waited while they drank a couple of sips before starting.

“I will get better you know.”

Mark furrowed his brow wondering where that had come from.

“Of course you will.”

“I know it's a lot for you. I know it must be hard.”

“Seb.”

“I don't want to be a burden to you.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“No sweetheart.”

“You're having to do so much, giving up races, taking care of me. It's so much to ask of you.”

Mark reached over his hand and placed it over Seb's as he held his mug, looking at him seriously.

“No. It's not. You're not asking anything of me. It's just how things are darling. It's not your fault you had the accident. If it was me who'd had an accident wouldn't you do the same?”

“Of course I would.”

Sebastian suddenly bit his lip, a horrible fear snatching at him.

“I don't want to think about you having an accident.”

Seb was trying not to cry at the idea but Mark couldn't miss the wateriness of his eyes and the anxiety in his voice.

“No, hey no, come on.”

Mark shifted his chair round so he could put his arms around Sebastian.

“I didn't mean that. Don't be worrying about that. It's okay,” soothed Mark.

Sebastian took in a shaky breath and found a way to slip his arms around Mark in turn, leaning into him gratefully.

 

He took a couple more short breaths, still trying to fight the urge to cry.

“Sorry,” apologised Seb.

“It's alright.”

“I hate that I get like this. It's so pathetic.”

“No.”

Mark pulled away a little to make Sebastian look at him.

“Seb don't do that. Dr. Roberts said it's just a symptom. It's not your fault. The accident wasn't your fault. All that horrible shit in your past, that's not your fault either. You don't need to apologise for any of it. Do you understand me?”

Sebastian looked back at him, his face still tight, but managing to stave off tears.

“'kay.”

“Good.”

Mark re-tightened his grip on Sebastian and gave him a kiss on the temple.

“So no apologising for things that aren't your fault. No worrying about how quickly you're going to get better. All that matters is that you _are_ going to get better. It doesn't matter if it's quick or slow, we'll get there, because we don't give up do we darling?”

“No Liebling.”

“We're going to get back to normal, better than normal, we're going to be stronger. Whatever doesn't kill you, right?”

Mark tipped his head around and risked a smile.

“Yeah okay.”

“I'm not saying we might not have gone a little far to test that theory...”

Sebastian managed a smile back. Mark always did this; the gentlest of teasing to make him feel better.

 

“You're the best thing that ever happened to me,” praised Seb spontaneously.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well I should bloody well hope so.”

He widened his smile.

“Better than all those race wins and championships?” Mark teased.

“Way better.”

“Thank you.”

“You're meant to say it's the same for you.”

Mark chuckled.

“I don't have championships to compare it to.”

Seb tried pouting but he couldn't keep it up.

“You will do.”

“Hm?”

“You will have championships one day. I know you will.”

Mark nodded slowly.

“Okay, then this is better than they will be. We're just gonna take it as read.”

 

He smiled, thinking how sweet Seb was in his certainty.

“You did say I was going to win Le Mans, so I guess I should listen to you.”

“Exactly.”

“So we've that to look forward to. And you'll be better before we know it. It's gonna be all good. Let's not worry too much about how we get there.”

“Okay.”

“Good.”

Mark leant to kiss Seb again but this time Seb turned further and pushed up to kiss Mark on the lips. Both smiled as they pulled away. Mark had an idea.

“You remember all the good stuff along with the bad, don't you darling?”

“Yeah.”

Pretty much all of it involved Mark to Sebastian's mind.

Mark nodded.

“Up to a little walk outside?”

Seb frowned.

“Outside?”

“Just out of the house.”

“Um, okay sure.”

 

Mark took his hand and they walked out of the back door into the garden, leaving it open so they had more light to guide their way. The dogs trotting alongside as ever.

Mark stopped on the lawn looking to the side of the house, or at least where they would be looking if it wasn't dark.

“Okay, so do you remember your suggestion that we should build a pool here?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. So what do you say we start looking into that while we're off? You know, give us something to do?”

Seb and Mark both knew they would have plenty to keep them busy, but the idea was a good one.

“Yeah I'd really like that.”

“Good, well we can do that, call some architects and see what's possible.”

“Yeah that'd be great.”

“Excellent, so that's something to look forward to isn't it?”

“Yeah, that's a really good idea Liebling. It'd be so nice to have a pool again and a gym, we could make it better than the little one I used to have.”

“I'm sure we could. Right then, that's one thing. Now, something else.”

 

Mark led Sebastian round to the side door into the garage and flicked the light on. He took them over to the new bike Seb had bought him for his birthday.

“You got me this for my birthday along with the sweater and the photo.”

“Yeah I remember.”

“It was the last thing you could remember when they asked you, when you first woke up in the hospital.”

Seb gave him a smile.

“Ironically I can't actually remember that.”

Mark huffed a laugh back.

“Yeah okay, but you remember this. You remember giving it to me?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I think you remembered because it was important, because we were happy. Or at least I was once you'd cheered me up. You did that for me darling. I was miserable after the DNF, and you made it better. You made me better.”

Mark moved his arm to fit it around Sebastian and turned them to face the Porsche parked to the side.

“And this little number. You remember that they gave me this for winning Le Mans?”

“Yeah,” smiled Seb, thinking about what a happy memory that was.

“I only won because you helped me.”

“Mark.”

“It's true darling. I couldn't have done it without your support. There's just no way. You give me so much. I'm a better person and my life is a thousand times better for you being in it. So don't ever think you're a burden to me, or anything mixed-up like that, because it's bollocks.”

 

Sebastian pouted a little, for real this time, wanting to cry at such a sentiment but knowing that wasn't the point. Mark turned in to kiss the pout away and Seb lifted his arms to wind them around Mark's neck, pushing up on his toes to kiss him properly and loving the way Mark linked his hands around the curve of his back to hold Seb in close, supporting him in this position. It reminded Seb how they fitted together, how they made this work. They weren't the same, but they were equal in their own way.

They ended the kiss and slackened their hold a little so they could look at one another.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark gave a shrug.

“Dunno what you mean.”

“Yes you do.”

Mark smiled and gave him a little wink.

“Tell you what, why don't we take her out for a run tomorrow? Just a little joyride for the hell of it.”

“Yeah okay.”

Something else to look forward to. Mark wasn't planning on going too fast or doing anything remotely dangerous, but a pootle along the lanes might just cheer them up a bit.

“Come on then, let's go back in. I've got a yearning to watch something involving a singing lobster.”

 

 

They went back into the house feeling far better about things. Mark put on the DVD and they settled themselves on the sofa, the dogs resumed their place at their feet. As the film started Mark leaned his head against Seb's.

“You know one day I'm going to need you to do just the same for me, not for the same reasons hopefully but for some reason and I know that you'll support me just the same.”

“Of course I would. I'd do anything for you Liebling.”

“I know you would. That's the whole point. And in the meantime darling I just need to know you're there, that you're with me and that's enough.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh, unable to think of any reply to that. Instead he just snuggled further round into Mark, tipping his head up so he could gaze into his eyes for too long. Eventually Seb gave him wider smile and turned his head to look at the television as they both returned their attention to the film.

“You know that girl should really listen to her father. How hard is it to see that witch is trouble?” noted Mark.

“Shh, the lobster's singing, he's the best one,” chided Seb.

“Sebastian.”

“Yeah him.”

“Yeah mate, he's the best one. Now shh, we're missing all the singing.”

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as the film finished they headed up to bed. Seb had been fine through watching it and successful forgotten about his worries for a while just as Mark intended, but as they got ready for bed he felt things weigh in again. He sat on the edge of the bed and Mark sat to join him.

“Alright?”

Seb shrugged and squished his face to the side.

“What's the matter? Your head hurting?”

“No.”

Seb actually hadn't felt the need to take any more of his painkillers since mid-afternoon. He let out a slow breath before confessing.

“I'm scared to go to sleep.”

He looked to Mark and gave him another half shrug. Seb took another stilling breath and Mark was the one who felt like crying. He put his arms around him and dropped his forehead to rest at the side of Sebastian's head. There was no magic wand for this. They'd just have to hope for the best.

“We'll call Dr. Menton tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark rubbed Seb's arm, trying to think what to say.

“Shall I see if the dogs want to come and sleep on the floor in here?”

Maybe it was ridiculous. Mark knew they couldn't stop Seb having bad dreams, but anything that might help was worth a go.

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Stupid idea?”

“No. Nice.”

“Shall I see if they'll come up here?”

“I guess if you ask them nicely.”

 

Mark gave him a smile and nodded. A minute later he reappeared with the dogs in tow. He pointed at the floor by Sebastian's side of the bed.

“Right then boys, you're staying here tonight.”

He ducked down to encourage them to sit, Seb joining Mark crouching on the floor to give them a rub.

“Now, nothing scary is to get past you, understand?” Mark instructed them.

Seb managed a smile. He didn't feel completely okay, but anything that made him feel even marginally better was a start.

“Come on then,” encouraged Mark.

They sat back up on the bed.

“Do you want to talk, or...”

Sebastian gave a small shake of his head.

“Okay.”

They started to undress, Mark giving Seb a hand by pulling his t-shirt off for him.

“Avert your eyes boys, this isn't for you.”

He was pleased to be rewarded with another slight smile from Seb.

“I think they're going to need their own therapist.”

They slipped into bed and Mark made sure Sebastian was pulled up close, stroking his hand over Seb's skin as he rested against him. Seb let out a long slow breath.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah, I think so. I just don't want to wake up in the night.”

“I know darling. Well let's hope not now it's less confused in your head, let's hope it's better.”

“Yeah.”

“If you wake up, make sure you wake me too.”

“Mark.”

“No, promise me, cos I'm pretty knackered, so wake me up if I'm being a lump and fast asleep.”.

Sebastian lifted his head and turned to look at him.

“I mean it,” insisted Mark

“If you're knackered shouldn't you sleep?”

“Don't worry about it. We're not really doing anything tomorrow, so you wake me.”

“Alright.”

“Good. Let's hope we both get to sleep through.”

“Yeah, thanks. I'm pretty knackered too.”

“We'll be right then.”

Mark kissed his forehead then lifted his head a little to look past Seb.

“Night boys.”

Sebastian turned his head and looked too.

“Night.”

He turned back to Mark.

“They'll be getting bad habits.”

“Meh, rules are off for a while.”

Mark took a long breath in and slowly let it out.

“Just close your eyes darling.”

Sebastian echoed Mark's slow breath and did just that, letting himself relax as he drifted off.

 

 

 

 

 

In the end Sebastian woke only once during the night. He opened his eyes with a start and had the strangest sensation of expecting to be upset but not knowing why. After a few seconds it came back to him and Seb remembered how it had been the night before and how all those awful memories had crashed in on him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath steadying himself. He didn't feel panic, that had passed now he understood things better. Seb didn't really know what he felt.

He turned to Mark, trying to make out his face in the darkened room. Sebastian reached out and delicately as possible stroked a finger over Mark's jaw. The light stubble felt so nice to touch, so familiar, so _Mark_. Seb didn't want to wake him, Mark deserved to sleep, but he had promised him and they did not break promises. Seb leaned down sideways on the bed, propping himself up on an elbow.

“Mark.”

No response. Maybe he really should just leave it? Sebastian paused, then very gently shook Mark's shoulder.

“ _Mark_.”

“Hmmm?”

Mark blinked open his eyes, then took a deeper breath and sat up a little.

“Hey. You okay?”

“I, I just woke up and you said...”

“Of course.”

Mark rubbed at his face to rouse himself and they both sat up. Mark trailed his hand up and down Seb's arm.

“Are you alright?”

Sebastian took in a breath.

“I think so, I just... just a bit unsettled. I'm okay. Sorry, I shouldn't have woken you.”

“No, course you should.”

Mark reached his arm over to slide it around Seb and pull him closer, Seb resting his head on Mark's shoulder and slipping his arms to hold around his middle. It felt good, the scent of his skin, the warmth of his body, the feeling of being held.

“Feel better?”

“Yeah.”

Mark lay them down and they rearranged themselves to stay close and comfortable. He grazed his hand over Sebastian's skin.

“Did you have a bad dream?”

“I don't know. I don't think so. I think I just woke up that's all. Sorry.”

“It's fine, don't worry about it. Do you want to talk or just go back to sleep?”

“It feels strange.”

“Hm?”

“I don't know how I couldn't remember before. It doesn't make sense.”

Mark shuffled round slightly to look at him.

“You've got concussion darling.”

“Yeah but how come I could remember you and not what happened?”

“Oh, well I don't know.”

Both of them knew how intertwined their relationship was with Seb's past.

“Maybe Dr. Menton will have an idea,” suggested Mark.

“Yeah maybe.”

“Sorry I'm not very helpful.”

Sebastian shifted up a little to face him.

“Yes you are.”

Sebastian stroked his cheek against Mark's then left it to rest there for a moment before pulling back.

“You are Liebling. You're the most help. Always.”

Mark could think of no reply so instead he gave him a kiss instead. Seb dropped his head on the pillow and smoothed his hand across Mark's flat stomach.

“Do you have nightmares?”

“Now you mean?”

“I don't know. Ever?”

Seb could think of times Mark had been restless, worrying about things in the past. Mark thought of that too, but there was only one worry that had ever been so bad that it qualified as a nightmare, though he wasn't sure it counted seeing as he had been plagued by it whilst awake.

“Only one darling.”

“Hm?”

“Losing you.”

Sebastian bit his lip and closed his eyes to try to prevent himself from crying. Mark felt it too, the very real fear he had endured, how close that loss had loomed and how when things were tough now he remembered that and thought of the alternative; How infinitely better it was to have problems to face _with_ Seb than for the worst to have happened and him not be here at all. That idea still terrified Mark; a world in which they hadn't got to Seb fast enough or he hadn't woken up in the hospital, a world in which Mark had been left alone in deathly silence, all point to his existence ended. Far better a difficult future than none at all.

“Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.”

Seb could hear how choked Mark's voice was.

“It's okay. It must have been so horrible for you, so frightening.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm so sorry Liebling.”

Sebastian raised his hand up and placed it against Mark's cheek. In the low light he could just make out Mark's eyes, glistening in the darkness.

“You'll never lose me,” whispered Seb.

Mark managed a smile.

“Is that a promise?”

“Yes.”

“Good. That's alright then.”

“Do you promise too?”

“Yes darling, I promise too.”

They both knew that they were only words, but they felt real.

The two of them moved so they were fully facing one another, their bodies pressed up tight and arms around to keep held tight. They rested their foreheads together and left them that way as they fell asleep, not waking again until morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in the lounge staring at his phone.

“Do you want me to call him?” asked Mark by his side.

Seb gave a tiny shake of his head.

“Nope, just... Do you think he'll be surprised to hear from me?”

“I think he'll be very pleased to hear from you.”

“Yeah okay.”

Seb took a decisive breath and hit dial. He put the phone to his ear and listened to it ring, trying to think how on earth he started this conversation. He was just wondering whether he was worrying for no reason seeing as his therapist wasn't answering, when Henry picked up.

“Hello, Dr. Henry Menton speaking.”

“Hi Henry, it's Seb.”

There was a pause then he heard a shocked intake of breath.

“Oh my God. _Seb_. Bloody hell.”

Henry didn't need his surname, he would have known that voice anywhere, he'd listened to it often enough over the past two years.

Mark was looking to check everything was okay, so Seb gave him a little nod.

“Sorry, that wasn't very professional of me. It's good to hear from you, wow, my goodness, how are you?” recovered Dr. Menton.

“Um, okay I guess, well not entirely. Sorry I didn't really think through what I was going to say here. I umm, I was wondering if maybe I could come and see you?”

“Yes, of course. Yes it would be good to see you. Just let me grab my diary, hang on.”

“Alright?” whispered Mark.

“I think I was right first time,” noted Sebastian.

“Hmm?”

“He sounds pretty thrown.”

“Oh. Oh well, in a good way, I'm sure,” suggested Mark.

Henry's voice was in Seb's ear again.

“Seb?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, sorry.”

“When might you be free? I take it you're okay to come in to see me?”

Dr. Menton knew Sebastian wasn't long out of hospital. He didn't know what condition he was likely to be in after such a serious accident.

“Any time really, well not Friday. I'm going into the factory.”

“You're back in work already?”

“Oh no not really, I'm just going in to see them, it's the first time,” explained Seb.

“Ah I see, so that's Friday?”

Henry was looking over this week's appointments, seeing where there might be gaps.

“Yeah.”

“Might it be helpful to have a little chat before you go in then?”

“Yeah maybe, I know it's short-notice,” apologised Sebastian.

 

Henry smiled wryly, it felt like a familiar conversation, Seb calling him out of the blue and Henry always finding a way to make time for him. Dr. Menton reflected that he always made an exception for Sebastian when he might not for any other patient.

“I suppose that really leaves us with tomorrow then, could you do half-past three?”

“Yeah, sure, that would be good thank you. Umm Henry, would you mind if Mark comes with me? Just to start, I know we're not meant to but...”

Sebastian slipped his hand into Mark's who gave it a squeeze. He didn't know why he was nervous. Henry heard it in his voice. Yet more exceptions to be made, somehow Dr. Menton never found a way to say no to Seb.

“If that's what you need.”

“Thank you.”

“Okay, so, well I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah thanks. Okay I'll see you then.”

 

Sebastian hung up and let out a relieved breath. Mark smiled at him.

“That bad?”

“No, it's fine. Three-thirty's okay isn't it?”

“Sure. Not like we're doing anything else is it?”

“True.”

“Right, well that's sorted. What do you say we have a little drive out?”

“Yeah.”

Time to shake off some cobwebs.

 

 

By the time they came back home for some lunch Seb did feel a little lighter and in reasonable shape for when his boss called him in the early afternoon to check he was still set to come in to see them on the Friday morning. They had exchanged texts as well as Dr. Phillips passing on his messages but it was actually the first time that they had spoken since Christian had seen him in hospital. It seemed almost bizarre to Sebastian that he could feel slightly nervous about just speaking to him, but that was nothing compared to how nervous Seb was about actually going into the factory.

“So there's no pressure Sebi, it'll just be nice to see you. I know that everyone will be very pleased that you can pop in to say hello.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Will Mark be coming along?” enquired Christian.

“Oh, umm, well...”

“It's fine if he does, Mark's more than welcome.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian didn't know what to say. Did he really need Mark there holding his hand all the time? Right now it felt as if he did but perhaps he would feel a little stronger once he'd spoken to Dr. Menton. Reading his hesitation Christian answered for him.

“Either way. It's no problem to play it by ear.”

Thinking about it Sebastian realised that he hadn't actually driven himself anywhere since coming home. He wasn't sure he had the confidence to operate even an ordinary road car, never mind a race car at this stage, so that rather suggested Mark was going to come along one way or another anyway.

“I know you want to get a bit of time with Antti and Doc Phillips so we can get an idea of how you're doing, maybe see if you're ready to get started on training again.”

“Yeah.”

“Other than that it's just a chance for us to have a catch up and say hello to the troops.”

“Right.”

Sebastian wasn't being very forthcoming and Christian thought twice before adding the next bit.

“Britta was keen to get a couple of photos taken for publicity, just to show folk how you're doing.”

“Oh.”

“If you're not keen we don't have to.”

“No it's okay.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Just a few stills. We're constantly getting enquiries about how you're doing so it'd just be nice to show that you're on the mend, that's all.”

“Of course, no that's fine.”

“Good. There's nothing to worry about Seb. No one's going to be asking anything of you and we're not setting any dates on things for the future.”

“Thanks. Umm, Christian, I'm going to be going around seeing people?”

Seb looked to Mark who nodded encouragingly knowing this was about what they had discussed earlier.

“Yes, that's alright isn't it?”

“Yeah, just... I remember lots more now, but I'm not sure if it's everything.”

“You mean the crash?”

“Oh well I didn't actually mean that, but no I don't remember that.”

“That's fine Seb, it's really just hello, we don't need to get into any of that,” reassured Christian, thinking he was going to make sure they all knew to be careful to avoid that topic.

“Thanks, but it wasn't really that, it's...”

Sebastian paused, his chest was starting to feel tight merely thinking of this, but he had to be brave and say it otherwise he was going to spend every minute worrying.

“Thing is, okay so yeah my memory's much better, but it's sort of untested I guess and I... it's a lot of people and I'm not sure... I don't want to offend anyone.”

In his office Christian was frowning, trying to work out what Sebastian was getting at, then it hit him.

“Oh I see. Right. Well don't be worrying about names and titles, I'm sure no one would be offended.”

There was a silence at the other end and Christian guessed his reassurance was insufficient. Of course Seb would be worrying about that. It must be deeply alarming to not know whether you were likely to remember members of your team you had worked with for years.

“Tell you what Seb why don't I get HR to pull me up some specs on a few key staff files and I can email them over. Then you can have a scan through them tomorrow and see if that doesn't set your mind at rest.”

Sebastian felt as if a weight lifted from him.

“Yeah that would be really helpful.”

“No one's going to be testing you Seb, but if it's a reassurance, just as a prompt, then that's all to the good.”

“Thanks.”

“Don't be worrying about knowing the name of every single person who works here though eh? I'm not sure even I know that,” assured Christian.

“Okay, thank you. I appreciate it.”

“No problem. I'll sort that for you and we'll see you at ten-ish on Friday then.”

“Yes, I'll see you then.”

“Say hello to Mark for me. I'm guessing he's there.”

Sebastian smiled for the first time.

“Yeah he's here.”

“Hi Christian,” greeted Mark in the background, judging he was being mentioned.

Christian heard the distant voice, of course Mark was there. He fully expected to see him in his office in two days time.

“I'll let you go then.”

“Yeah. Thanks. See you soon then.”

 

Sebastian hung up and sat back letting out a deep breath as he dumped his phone into his lap. Mark swept up his now empty hand and gave it a friendly squeeze.

“Feel better for asking?”

Seb turned sideways to face him.

“Yeah.”

“What did he suggest?”

Mark had seen from his body-language that whatever Christian had proposed had relaxed Seb.

“He said he'd send over people's files so I could look them over.”

“Oh great idea. Why didn't I think of that?”

“Do you think they'll have photos?”

“Yeah I'm sure they will. That'll be good, just to go over so you're not fretting. I'm sure you don't need to memorise the entire staff though.”

Sebastian gave him a half-smile.

“That's what Christian said.”

“Ah well there you go. Not as stupid as he looks, or I'm not, one of the two.”

Seb rolled his eyes and couldn't help matching the smile that snuck onto Mark's face.

Small steps but at least he was taking them.

 

“Right then, cup of tea or shall we take the dogs out?”

“Dogs.”

“Righto mate.”

Mark leaned in and gave Seb a peck on the cheek. A bit of fresh air, that should pick them up. All forwards, that was what they were aiming for now. They just had to do whatever it took to get through this and get whatever help they could because both of them knew now, they couldn't do this on their own.

 

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you're caught up and I will post the next part as they really are parts of one huge chapter, tomorrow hopefully.
> 
> I think this is a good time to mention that each time I post a chapter I am as nervous and pleased to see comments pop up now just as much as when I first started. For those lovely people who do comment, you're appreciated more than you know and everyone who reads this, I'm as stunned and grateful as wee Sebi.


	89. Help - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned in the first bit of this, today marks one year since I started this 'little' fic that has taken over my life somewhat unexpectedly. So of course I had to post today to celebrate that rather strange, but in it's own way kinda nice milestone.
> 
> Okay, so here's the (longer) second part, sorry for the delay but I was revising & revising this because I always try my hardest to make the chapters what I hope they can be as I want to do my best for you guys and for the story, which weirdly in my head has a life of it's own.
> 
> Oh and if you're wondering, yes I have got the Beatles tune stuck in my head from the title of this chapter.
> 
> ;)

* * *

 

 

 

 

Henry found himself looking out of the window for the third time in five minutes. Sebastian wasn't even late, but he kept checking. He was a psychiatrist for goodness sake. He ought to know well enough what that meant. Henry shook his head to himself and went to go put the kettle on.

Minutes later there was a knock on the door and he let Sebastian and Mark in, wondering if it was inappropriate to have the urge to give a patient a hug. Seb looked pale and thin. As Henry opened the door he spotted that Seb was holding onto Mark's hand. Henry wanted to sigh. It was such a horrible contrast to the last time he had seen Sebastian when had still been tanned and healthy-looking from his holiday. He'd seemed to have been in such a good place. But now, even before Sebastian opened his mouth to say hello, Dr. Menton could see how far back Seb had been set.

Then again, the last time he had _really_ seen Seb had been in the wall-to-wall coverage in the media after his crash, all over the television news and on the front pages of the newspapers. One thing stuck in his mind; A photograph of Sebastian being treated by medics while they fought to save his life as he lay on the track in Monza. The shot had stopped Henry dead as he walked past the newspapers display in the supermarket on the Monday morning after the accident and he'd felt compelled to buy every broadsheet on the stand to try to find out more about how Seb was doing. Not that he was about to tell Seb that, nor the very real shock and concern Henry had felt watching the race when the accident occurred. It was hardly surprising Sebastian didn't look too well now. It was a miracle he was standing here at all.

 

They made their polite greetings and Henry encouraged them to take a seat while he provided drinks before taking his seat opposite.

“Okay, well as I say Seb, I'm very glad to see you.”

“Thanks. Oh I wanted to say, I'm sorry, I only realised after I rang that you'd sent a text a while back and I didn't reply.”

“Oh, no that's alright. I just thought I ought to send something, just to reach out. I'm sure it was too soon.”

“I had so many messages on my phone, it got kindof buried and umm, I've not got your mobile number saved in my phone, only the landline. You just put Henry and well, I thought it was from one of the guys at the factory.”

Seb saw Henry frown as he tried to remember what he had written in that text; Dr. Menton was fairly sure it was simply that he hoped Sebastian was doing better now he had left hospital and to get in touch if he wanted to talk. Now that he thought back, Henry realised it was a bit vague, perhaps Seb knew several Henrys?

“Thing is...”

Sebastian looked to Mark who gave him a small nod.

“Okay, so well you should probably know, I umm, after the accident... I mean I'm presuming you know what happened?”

Dr. Menton nodded. He was pretty sure that the entire world knew what had happened to Sebastian.

“So I had a concussion, a pretty bad one. I guess I've still got it but I'm getting better. The thing is I didn't remember a lot of stuff, a whole lot, and some of it's only just coming back now,” explained Seb.

“Oh I see.”

 

The words echoed in Dr. Menton's head as he finally _did_ see; Sebastian hadn't remembered him. Wow. He really had been very ill.

“You suffered from amnesia?”

“Yes.”

“Do you mind me asking how severe?”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“Pretty bad. I umm, I still don't remember anything about the accident or around then, so... Mark?”

Seb looked to Mark to try to explain the period that remained blank.

“When he woke up from his coma it was severe, Seb pretty much knew me and his family and well, some other basic stuff, but not a whole lot to be honest.”

“I see, but that's been improving?”

“Yeah.”

Dr. Menton took a sip of his drink, trying not to show on his face that it had just really occurred to him how daunting the task he had ahead was. No wonder the two of them hadn't let go of one another since they'd arrived. It made sense why Seb needed Mark here now.

“Okay, do you feel up to filling me in a little then?”

Sebastian gave a cautious nod and between them, they made a start.

 

 

It was some while before they had managed to bring Dr. Menton up to date, telling him about the events from the other night when Seb had remembered all those dark memories from his past.

“That must have been a hell of a shock Sebastian. To be honest, I can't say I'm surprised you reacted in the way you did.”

Seb gave a small nod.

“Do you perhaps want to talk about that, or would you rather leave it for now?” asked Dr. Menton, wondering how much Sebastian was up to being pushed today. He had spoken reasonably well to begin with, but he had got far quieter as he discussed the unfortunate revelations that had hit him so very recently.

“I, umm...”

“Only if you want to.”

Sebastian looked to Mark as he had frequently throughout their time here.

“Why don't I leave you to it?” suggested Mark.

Until now they had really only been recounting the facts. Mark didn't want to intrude if Seb wanted to talk things through. Sebastian gave a small shrug and Mark nodded.

“I'll wait in the car. Just buzz my mobile if you want me to come back up, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark gave him a reassuring nod and looked to Dr. Menton, hoping his expression imparted the message; _'for godsake don't upset him'._

“I'm just outside, alright?”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks.”

“Take as long as you need.”

Mark went down to the car. They were parked right in front on double-yellow lines. Mark couldn't care less if he got a ticket. He switched on the radio and prepared for a spell of twiddling his thumbs, trying not to watch the third floor window for the entire duration.

 

 

 

Dr. Menton could see Sebastian looked less comfortable the moment Mark left them.

“Seb if you want to call him back, that's fine. We don't have to get into anything too deep today if you don't want to. It's okay if it's too soon. You've been through an ordeal and you're still recovering physically as well as mentally. I know we normally wouldn't include your partner in a session, but we can just count this as a chat if you'd prefer.”

Sebastian squashed his face a bit. It was tempting, but he did want to deal with a few things and in a strange way, this feeling like a proper session would help him do that.

“No it's okay. It's just we've hardly been apart, I mean literally, since the accident, except when he went to America. It's just... strange that's all.”

Seb knew Mark was close by, he didn't want to feel too clingy even if his hand felt empty now.

“Do you want to talk about that?”

“Hm?”

“Mark leaving you to go to racing?”

“Oh, no it's okay, that was just a misunderstanding. We worked that out.”

“You don't blame him for going away?”

“No. We'd only just come out of the hospital. Neither one of us was really thinking straight. It was a mistake but... No, we've talked about that, it's fine. I'm just glad he came home. He wasn't in any state to race, but, yeah like I say we know it was mistake but we both made it. I don't blame Mark. It was as bad for him as me, worse probably.”

“Okay. So what about how it came to be that you remembered more about your past? You don't blame Mark for allowing that to happen in this way?”

Sebastian looked down for a moment. He had to be honest.

“I did at first, but that wasn't fair. Mark couldn't know it would happen like this.”

“No, okay.”

“Mark's been amazing through all this. It's been really hard on him and he never complains. He's only ever tried to do his best to help and to look after me.”

Sebastian was just as defensive of Mark as he had always been noted Dr. Menton. That at least hadn't changed. Knowing that was a dead end, Henry changed tack.

 

“Do you feel up to describing what actually happened with your attack the other morning? What led into it? You said it was a revelation that your nightmares were real memories?” prompted Dr. Menton.

Sebastian gave a small nod.

“Can you talk about it?”

Sebastian was looking down, fiddling with a nail.

“I guess.”

“So you woke up from a bad dream and you just knew, or was there a process?”

Seb couldn't look up. He closed his eyes for a moment.

“I wasn't sure if I was awake or asleep. Someone was pinning me down.”

His voice caught and Sebastian squeezed his eyes tighter closed. Dr. Menton's voice floated over deliberately soft and calming.

“Seb if it's too much we don't have to go over this.”

Sebastian unconsciously balled his fists, pressing his nails into the palms of his hands.

“I couldn't make out who they were, it was like I knew, but it was too vague, like everything else was all vague in my head, as if I should know it, but it was mist and I couldn't get a hold of it.”

“But you felt the fear and that was familiar too?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian pushed his nails harder into the soft skin of his palm to distract himself from crying. He didn't want to cry, he just had to get through this to tell Henry and then maybe he could help.

 

“That was all I remembered from the other dreams; That I was afraid and I couldn't stop what was happening, but this was worse, I could feel his hands on me, holding me down and he was too strong. He was enjoying it, he was enjoying me trying to struggle and failing, enjoying the power he had over me. He was mocking me, taunting me, telling me I was weak and pathetic, how I deserved this. I couldn't _say_ anything or _do_ anything. He was hurting me over and over and I couldn't make it stop, I couldn't make it stop.”

Sebastian's voice was getting faster and he could feel the horrible heat in his skin.

“Seb. Seb look at me. Open your eyes. You're safe Seb. _Seb?”_

Sebastian took a sharp breath and forced his eyes open and raise his head to look at Henry sat opposite him.

“Take a slow breath and stay calm. Okay?”

Henry was looking into Sebastian's eyes making sure he had his full attention.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.”

Seb's voice was quiet, but steadier.

“I'm just going to get you a glass of water.”

Dr. Menton rose and returned with a glass which he handed to Seb before resuming his seat.

 

“Can you continue?”

Sebastian took a sip of water and gave small nod.

“Okay. Please keep your eyes open Seb. I think it's better if you are clear where you are and understand that you are in a safe environment. Nothing can hurt you here. These are bad memories, they are not a present threat. Do you understand that?”

“Yeah,” breathed Sebastian.

“Alright then. Now obviously that was a very frightening thing to undergo. Are you able to say if you think it was a direct memory of a single moment, or whether it was perhaps an amalgamation of several different experiences?”

“A what?”

“An amalgamation? A combination of several. Like they were blended together,” clarified Henry.

“Oh, umm, I'm not sure, but I think yeah maybe it was a mixed up memory, but it was real.”

Dr. Menton nodded. He knew too well that the assaults were real occurences in Sebastian's past.

“You say you didn't know if you were awake or asleep?”

“No.”

“But it _felt_ real?”

“Yeah. I could feel his _hands_...”

Sebastian took a slow breath to centre himself and remind himself to stay calm.

“It felt real. It felt as though I was pinned down and even when I knew I was awake and I had my eyes open I still couldn't get up. I felt like I was being held down on the bed.”

Seb took shaky breath.

“Just take a sip of water Seb. It's alright.”

Sebastian did as instructed and Dr. Menton waited before continuing.

  
“How did you know that you were awake?” he enquired.

“The light was on and Mark was leaning over me. He was worried. I could see him and I could feel my heart was beating too fast and I was breathing too hard, but I knew I was awake then and suddenly it was like the hands on my arms were gone and I was free,” Seb recounted.

“Then what?”

“I sat up and Mark was holding me, trying to see if I was okay.”

“You knew you were back in the present and you were safe?”

“Yeah, but then I looked at Mark's face and it was so different from _his_ face that somehow, I don't know how, but I just _knew_ , it hit me and I knew the face I couldn't make out in my dreams before, like it was a camera pulled into focus all of a sudden and I knew they weren't dreams and I remembered it all. It was like all these heavy locked doors in my mind sprung open.”

“And you remembered everything?”

“Yeah.”

“All at once?”

“Yeah.”

 

My god, thought Dr. Menton. He knew how many unpleasant memories were locked behind those doors. No wonder it was such a shock to Seb.

“And that was when the full-blown panic attack struck you.”

Sebastian gave a tiny nod and looked down, trying not to get upset again.

“Okay.”

Dr. Menton spoke gently. He knew that had been difficult for Sebastian. Between him and Mark they had already recounted what happened from that point on. He puffed out a breath, thinking things through while Sebastian drank his water, still recovering himself.

 

“Alright. Seb I think it's clear that you were experiencing a flashback. It's not the first time you've had one, but I think this was particularly bad.”

“It felt worse.”

“Yes, well I think that's understandable.”

“Because it was a shock?”

“Well yes, but not just that. From what you have described this was particularly vivid flashback. By which I mean that rather than a straight-forward conscious remembering, you had an uncontrolled _re-experiencing_ of it. You understand?”

Sebastian frowned.

“Sort of.”

“You said it felt real, as if it was actually happening and even when you knew you were definitely awake, you were _still_ experiencing it, because you couldn't lift up from the bed until you broke free.”

“Right.”

“I think there was a cross-over point where you still weren't fully conscious. Does that make sense?”

“I think so.”

“This naturally made it far more frightening and removed all level of control you had. Given that lack control was the primary fear within this, it isn't hard to see how much worse that made it for you. That combined with the shock of the abrupt return of such distressing memories was far too much for you to deal with. It's unfortunately no surprise that your reaction was fall into a panic attack when that is how your body and mind have become accustomed to reacting to such things.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and pushed it out.

“You understand what I'm saying?”

“Yes.”

“I'm not saying it was your fault that the attack struck you or that you struggled to control it. That in itself must have been very frightening.”

“Mark was there.”

“Yes,” concurred Dr. Menton reassuringly.

And thank god he was too, Dr. Menton thought. In his weakened state Henry didn't want to think how an attack that spiralled totally out of control could have hurt Seb.

 

“He looked after me. Mark always looks after me. I feel really bad that I had a go at him afterwards. That was so unfair, so ungrateful of me.”

“You were upset Seb, it's not surprising if that emotion spilled out.”

“It was just the shock and...”

Sebastian huffed out a breath through his nose.

“I couldn't understand what had happened and how I hadn't known before. It was like I had known all along, but I just couldn't see it properly. Now I can, I don't understand how I didn't before.”

“Well that's the concussion Seb. It's not a failure on your part.”

“No I suppose.”

“You really don't blame Mark for not dealing with this better?”

Sebastian shook his head slightly.

“No. It was just the shock. He was trying to protect me from something that was too horrible and... I don't know, maybe he could have found a way to talk to me about all that, but I understand why he didn't, how impossible that would have been.”

“I'd imagine it would have felt as though he was hurting you. For Mark I mean, to tell you what had happened to you in your past.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian teared up without warning and took in a sharp breath.

“He couldn't do that. Mark. He could never hurt me. How could he tell me if it meant hurting me? He'd never hurt me.”

Fat tears spilled out and Seb roughly brushed them away.

 

“Mark was in an impossible position Seb. I think you're right. I also think it's good if you are able to appreciate that. It means you are doing well at treating what happened rationally. That's a very good sign.”

Sebastian sniffed and looked at him.

“It is?”

“Yes Seb. Very good. It means you are managing to analyse what happened to come to logical conclusions. You are thinking about the wider ramifications for your relationship and also about Mark's well-being, not just your own. In the circumstances I would say that shows remarkably clear thinking and a good deal of compassion. Given that you have had a severe head injury I would say that means your mind is actually functioning on a far higher level than you might think it is. I'd say that's a very good sign. Wouldn't you?”

Sebastian felt a little better hearing something positive.

“Yeah I guess it is.”

“So you can feel good about that at least.”

“I suppose. I feel bad that I made Mark feel bad though. He's already been through enough. I know he feels guilty about it.”

“Well he saw how much it upset you. As he cares so much about you, it's only natural that he wishes you're weren't so badly affected by what happened. Have you told him you don't blame him?”

“Yes of course. As soon as I calmed down properly and again later on.”

“But you don't think he accepts that?”

Seb shrugged.

“It's not that. Maybe more that he feels bad there wasn't a way to prevent it.”

“A way he should have found?”

“I guess.”

“Do you feel that way?”

“No. I've told you. I don't blame him.”

“But you don't think there was a better want to handle this?”

Sebastian heaved out a heavy sigh.

“I don't know. Maybe there _was_ no good way. I'm not sure _any_ way of remembering all that was going to be good.”

“No I suppose not.”

“So what's the point in blaming anyone? Especially not Mark. I'd rather think he was trying to protect me than look for ways to make it his fault.”

“You'd _rather_ think that?”

“I mean I do. I mean I think that's the best way to look at it, because he was,” stated Seb emphatically.

Dr. Menton nodded acceptance. Sebastian simply would not allow any criticism of Mark. To do so was to pull at the threads that held his world together and an unravelling of Seb was the last thing Henry wanted right now.

 

“Okay. Very well, that makes sense. As long as you are happy with that. If you are worried Mark feels guilty, perhaps when you are talking to him you might want to explain that point to him so he understands that you really don't put any blame on him?”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian nodded. He could do that. If he could make Mark feel better about it, he'd feel better himself.

 

Henry rubbed his beard.

“You know it's interesting that you say Mark was trying to protect you by not tackling this.”

Sebastian opened his mouth to protest, but Dr. Menton held up a hand.

“Just, hear me out. My point has nothing to do with Mark as such. What I mean is, I think that from a psychological point of view I suspect your mind was doing the same thing. Now I know that your medical doctor may have other things to say about the effects of concussion on the brain, but from my side of the fence I would suggest that the reason you couldn't remember was because your mind was trying to protect you from something you weren't in a place to deal with yet. You talk of doors, but I would call them shields. Your brain was shielding you from the threat they posed. I think even unconsciously Sebastian you possess a very strong level of self-preservation.”

“I suppose.”

“You said up until that stage, apart from the disrupted sleep, you were feeling better?”

“Yeah.”

“So it could be that your mind had finally reached the stage where it was ready to deal with it. I appreciate that it was appalling to undergo, but you have survived the revelation. Upsetting as it doubtless still is, you are sat here with me, talking about it. That's no small achievement Seb.”

“I guess. Dr. Roberts said that I was feeling better because the pathways in my brain were repairing, like broken bones and that was why I was remembering.”

Dr. Menton smiled to hear the two sides presented.

“Well that doesn't sound like an opposing idea to me, rather a different perspective on how the mind works. I suspect it is another way of describing much the same thing.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“And whilst, as I say, I know this has been unpleasant. There is way to view this as a positive.”

“Because it means I'm getting better?”

“Precisely.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Sebastian thought about that for a moment, getting better was what he wanted, so maybe no matter how hard the route, he had to be glad of making progress.

 

“You said that you spoke to your doctor about what happened?”

“Mm.”

“But just about the attack, not the cause?”

Sebastian shrugged and it crossed Dr. Menton's mind to wonder how many of those he had seen over time and how he had learnt to interpret them. He could tell how uncomfortable Sebastian was discussing this even with him, never mind someone he had only known for a few weeks.

“I don't want anyone to know. Ever. I couldn't... If people knew... I'd never be able to face the world again. I couldn't live with that.”

Sebastian felt the weight back on him again and Dr. Menton heard it in his tone. He didn't like the phrasing Seb had just used either.

“Okay, I understand.”

“You and Mark. You're the only ones that know everything. I don't want anyone else to ever know.”

Neither Sebastian nor Henry acknowledged that of course there was a fourth party who knew the truth.

 

“Very well. I appreciate the level of trust you place in me and I value that. You know that I would never break that trust don't you?”

Sebastian looked him in the eye and gave a nod.

“Yeah I do. Thank you. I knew it would never have been you that spoke to the press, back in the summer. I know you would never do anything like that.”

“Good. Thank you.”

it crossed Dr. Menton's mind that this was probably the reason he always dropped everything to make time for Sebastian. He put such trust in him when Seb completely trusted incredibly few people in the world. It was something Henry valued more than he realised.

“It's good that you can trust, Seb.”

Henry smiled and looked at Sebastian a little sideways.

“It doesn't even occur to you to question your level of trust with Mark does it?” he probed.

“No.”

“Even if he himself admits to making mistakes?”

“But never on purpose. He's never once let me down where he wasn't trying to do what was right. And if he has ever made a mistake I know he feels it, maybe even more than me.”

Henry nodded.

“Okay. I'm not picking holes. I'm just trying to help you clarify how you feel.”

Seb gave a shake of his head.

“I'm clear on that. On Mark.”

“Good. So that is something else positive you can focus on.”

“That I have him?”

“Yes and that you feel his support. It's important to remember the positives, not just the negatives as you remember things.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I just want to get back to normal. I want to get back to where I was before.”

“Of course, but that's a process Sebastian. You've suffered a serious injury, you have to allow time to recover.”

“It feels like forever already.”

“It isn't though. It's only just over three weeks Seb. That isn't a long time given how badly you were hurt. You said you've been making physical progress. Psychological progress goes hand-in-hand with that. You're not up to running a marathon yet are you?”

Seb huffed the driest of laughs.

“I'm just about up to walking the dogs properly.”

“Exactly, so make allowances for the other side; how you're feeling and thinking about things. You have to build up, accept there will be set-backs but you'll get past them.”

“Hmm, okay, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk some more about how you're handling the memories of what happened to you now you understand them?”

Sebastian squished his face.

“I don't know. It's hard to explain.”

“Does it feel worse than before?”

“Before?”

Seb wondered what he meant. Of course it felt worse than before he didn't remember.

“Before the accident. Last time you came to see me you were feeling pretty good about things, you were moving on.”

“Oh I see.”

“Do you remember coming to see me then?”

Seb gave a half shrug.

“Kind of. Not the finer details of what we said, but yeah, I guess I remember feeling better.”

“So as you remember everything else, remember that; remember that you have made _such_ progress Seb.”

“Yeah. I just...”

“It doesn't feel that way?”

“No.”

“I'm sure the bad memories must feel fresher.”

“Yeah.”

“But you've not suffered more flashbacks or panic attacks since?”

“No. I wake up a bit at night, but no it's not like that.”

“Are you still having nightmares?”

Seb gave a slow shrug.

“Not exactly. I just feel... unsettled I guess. I get... anxious, before I go to bed. I can be fine beforehand and then it hits me.”

“You're worried it will happen again?”

“I suppose.”

“I can understand that.”

“I do worry a bit at other times, but it's worse at night.”

“Because you can't control it.”

“Maybe.”

“I would say so. You couldn't control how the memories hit you or how it affected you and you're worried that when you are asleep you will be unable to control them again.”

Sebastian head had sunk lower as he thought about that.

He made a tiny nod, but he didn't look at his therapist.

“Control is important to you. That was what scares you, the lack of control.”

“I don't want to be scared to go to sleep. I'm not a baby.”

“I'm not saying you are, Seb it's natural...”

“It's pathetic,” interrupted Sebastian looking up at him.

“No Seb.”

“Yeah. It is.”

 

Seb swallowed but instead of it helping it only let him start crying again.

“See? So pathetic. I can't stop crying. All the time...”

Dr. Menton sighed.

“Sebastian you said earlier that your doctor told you that was a symptom. A medical symptom of your brain injury. It's not a weakness. It's a side-effect.”

“I hate it,” sniffed Seb, wiping at his eyes.

“Okay, so go ahead, don't like it, but you understand why it is happening?”

Seb didn't answer.

“Have a sip of water Seb and you'll feel better. Just let it pass. Give yourself a moment,” instructed Dr. Menton calmly.

 

Sebastian did as advised and tried to accept the idea that getting upset wasn't his fault. He took a few slow breaths.

“Sorry.”

Dr. Menton shook his head.

“No need to apologise. Now, how have you been feeling this week more generally?”

Seb shrugged.

“Dunno, not great. Not all bad I guess but I've been having some pretty nasty headaches again.”

“But you said that's not unusual?”

“No I suppose not,” Seb admitted.

“Can you tell me about anything that has helped you feel better this week?”

Sebastian thought for a moment.

“Mark's helped me a lot, he always makes me feel better.”

A predictable response, thought Dr. Menton.

 

“Anything specific?”

“Just the usual, but some nice things to cheer me up a bit, we snuggle up on the sofa and watch films we like.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Mmm and we went for a drive out in his Porsche yesterday, that was fun. I mean we didn't go anything like as fast as I know it can go, but it was just good to get out and do something a bit different.”

“I'm sure.”

“And things like taking the dogs out for a walk, that always makes me feel better.”

“You've been managing that okay this week?”

“Yeah.”

“Fresh air and exercise are definite mood enhancers, so that's good and I know how fond of the dogs you are.”

“Yeah they always make me feel better.”

Sebastian paused.

“You'll probably think this sounds silly, but they've been sleeping in our room since after... what happened.”

Sebastian looked up at Henry, half-expecting to be told it was a ridiculous idea to think that the dogs being there could stop him having trouble sleeping.

Dr. Menton shook his head.

“That doesn't sound silly. The dogs' presence relaxes you. If you're anxious about going to sleep then I would say anything to help you relax and feel more comfortable in that environment is a good idea. Don't worry what anyone else might think Sebastian. You're the only one that matters.”

“It was Mark's idea.”

“Either way. Would you agree it's helped?”

“Yeah. I've still been waking up a bit, but it does help me settle.”

“That's good then. So there are some positives?”

“I guess. It's just...” Sebastian sighed. “I feel like I'm relying on Mark so much. All since the accident I suppose, but this week I've really been feeling it.”

“You feel dependent on him?”

Seb gave a half shrug back.

“I don't want to seem ungrateful when he does so much for me, but I just... I feel...”

Sebastian sighed as he admitted, “It's almost like I feel I'm right back at the start.”

“The start?”

“Back when I first came here, to Mark; I was such a mess. I felt so weak and helpless and Mark looked after me.”

“And that's how you feel now?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I know it sounds like I don't appreciate all he does for me.”

“It sounds nothing of the kind. I'd say it's clear how much you appreciate Mark and I'm sure he knows that.”

“I have told him.”

“And what does he say?”

“That I don't need to be grateful, that he knows I'd do the same for him. He did this really nice thing where he showed me some of the things to remind me about how it was before all this happened and that I do stuff for him too, you know, normally.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

Sebastian smiled for the first time.

“Miles better, for a while anyway, till I went to bed.”

“And you felt unsettled again?”

“Yeah. I know it's pathetic, but it wasn't till Mark went and got Shadow and Simba to come up that I could go to sleep. It's so stupid.”

“No Seb. It's not. Try to stop doing that. You're putting yourself down for something that is entirely natural.”

The brief smile had disappeared from Sebastian's face and Dr. Menton could tell how up and down he was. He let Seb drink more water for a moment while he thought things through. In a way Seb was right; it did feel as if they were thrown back to the start.

 

“Seb I understand you're feeling pretty low at the moment and it's no surprise, given all you're having to cope with, that you feel set back. The language you're using is very self-denigrating. It's how you used to describe yourself when you first came here; pathetic, weak, stupid.”

Dr. Menton looked at Seb firmly.

“Sebastian you are _none_ of these things. I'm not saying that to be nice to you, I think deep down you know that. You've had a serious injury and you have suffered debilitating consequences physically and mentally. I appreciate it is frustrating and upsetting and hard to deal with, but I think it would do you good to try to remember how much better you were doing the last time you were here; You were feeling stronger, happier. You were dealing with things and discussing them with an impressive level of calm detachment. Can you remember that? Can you remember how that felt?”

“Yeah just about.”

“Good, so think of that and know that is really the stage you have reached. This is simply a temporary reverse. You're going to get back to that improved version of you.”

Sebastian looked slightly unconvinced to Henry.

“You don't believe that?” pressed Dr. Menton.

Seb shrugged.

“I don't know. I suppose. It just doesn't feel that way right now.”

“No, I'm sure, but you will and you need to tell yourself that, because that's the goal isn't it?”

“Of course.”

“Good. So we need to work on helping you get there.”

“Okay.”

“You know Seb I think you do understand that the way you feel right now isn't the real you anymore, on some level at least, and I think that may be part of the reason it is so frustrating for you. You _know_ you aren't weak and helpless, but I think along with the old memories, you are having to re-experience the feelings that accompanied that time and that is only adding to your distress.

You don't like not being in control Seb, that's what this has done to you, it's left you unable to control things; yourself and what is happening to your brain and the effect it has on you physically and emotionally.”

Dr. Menton looked at him carefully.

“You understand why control is such an issue for you, don't you?

Sebastian looked back at his therapist. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer, but a part of him knew already.

“Because with Heikki all control was taken away from you,” Henry confirmed, trying to keep his tone soft to lessen the blow he knew those words were to Seb.

 

Sebastian pressed his lips tightly together, trying not to react too much at the hurt he felt at hearing that name spoken and the way it made the blood jump in his veins. Seb could only give a tight nod as he took in Henry's words.

“To feel that way again is naturally upsetting. What I think you need to do is find ways to combat that. Finding ways to regain control of your life will help you feel better. When you were last here you were managing to accept the past and deal with it so that you could discuss matters with a level of dispassion. You were taking control and that gave you more power over your emotions. The extent to which you were in charge of that was all part and parcel of feeling better in yourself.

I think if you can find a way to take more control of your recovery it would help you in more ways than one. Now obviously there is only so much you can do. You can't just _will_ yourself better, but I think if we can find ways in which you can have an influence over what you are doing that might help. What do you think?”

Sebastian sat letting his therapists words circle his brain as he took them in.

“Yeah that does sound good I guess,” agreed Sebastian.

“Okay. You said you had altered your pain medication?”

“Yeah, I have two lots now so I can see which I need.”

“So you decide which you take?”

“Yes.”

“How does that feel?”

“Better I suppose.”

“You asked the doctor to allow it?”

“Yes. We have a chart we keep to show her so she knows how I'm doing.”

“So now you are in charge of assessing what medication you require. That's a level of freedom and responsibility. It doesn't mean pretending you aren't still unwell. It means you have the power to combat it and when you are feeling slightly better, you can feel good that you aren't having to take the stronger medication.”

“Yeah I suppose so.”

“When you made that change did that help you feel better in yourself overall do you think?”

“Yeah I guess it did.”

“And you've been managing the pain despite taking less medication?”

“Yeah.”

“Great, so that's one step you've already taken,” asserted Dr. Menton.

“I would describe it as a positive circle; Concussion is a real physical injury to the brain, pain isn't something you can decide to think away, but on a general level feeling better will help speed your recovery, encourage you to make more positive steps and be generally happier, which is naturally a good thing.

You need to find more ways to take control. I don't mean expect yourself to be fully recovered and doing everything you could before right away. Setting overly high expectations only invites a feeling of failure. Set manageable goals: You feel better when you take the dogs out for a longer walk. That's exercise and that's helping your recovery, that's you taking control. Asking for a way to manage your medication and making your own judgements about what level of painkillers you require. That's control. It's not a matter of forcing yourself through pain. It's the way _you_ make the decision and organise it, keep a record, talk to the doctor. That's the control and it is in _your_ hands, not the doctor's, not Mark's, _yours._ Going to the hospital to speak to the doctor there to tell her you suffer from panic attacks. I know it might not feel it, but that's a positive choice, that's you taking control.”

“I suppose. It was Mark's idea to tell Dr. Roberts though,” Seb admitted.

“Okay, but would he have insisted if you had said no?”

“Of course not.”

“So you had to make the decision. See it that way.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“Okay.”

“You're going into the factory tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“What will you be doing?”

“Just saying hello really, but I'll be talking to my trainer and the team doctor about trying to start a training plan again.”

“Well that's a big step in re-taking control of your recovery. That should help a lot.”

“I guess.”

Sebastian sounded a little uncertain.

“You don't think so?”

“I don't know. I'm pretty nervous about it,” he confessed.

Henry gave him an encouraging smile.

“That's normal given what's happened. Can you tell me what in particular is making you nervous?”

“Seeing all those people. What they'll be expecting and how different I might seem to them.”

Dr. Menton was nodding along.

“You don't want them to see you not on your usual form?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Antti and Dr. Phillips and Christian too I guess, they have to know how things really are, so we can work out a realistic plan, but the rest... I just want them to see me as normal.”

“What makes you think they won't?”

 

That stopped Sebastian. What would any of them see if he was only going to be saying hello? He could do that couldn't he?

“I guess I was worrying about remembering people's names.”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“You think you won't be able to?”

Seb shrugged.

“The thing is I'm not really sure until I see their face. It might just pop into my head, or it might not. That's the problem with my memory at the moment; sometimes I don't know I don't remember something until I don't remember it. Does that make sense?”

“Just about.”

“I asked Christian about it and he said not to worry, so I'm probably just being silly, but he's sent over some HR files. I'm going to work on memorising some of the most important ones so I don't make too much of a fool of myself.”

Dr. Menton shook his head, seeing how continually hard on himself Seb was.

“You won't be making a fool of yourself. I can't imagine any of your colleagues would even notice if you leave out using their name, but regarding the files, that sounds exactly what I'm talking about; You asked your boss for help, he's given it, now you have a way to work on it to make yourself feel better about tomorrow.”

“Yeah okay. I was going to go through them before dinner, maybe ask Mark to help by testing me.”

Henry smiled.

“Well I'm pretty sure Mark will be happy to. So when you walk through the door in Milton Keynes tomorrow morning that should give you greater confidence.”

“Mm. Yeah.”

“You still sound uncertain,” tested Henry.

Seb pushed out a breath.

“I'm not sure if Mark's coming with me.”

“To Milton Keynes?”

“Yeah. Well I guess he has to as he'll be driving, but he's offered to drop me off or wait. I don't know. Do you think it's worse or better if he comes in with me?”

“I think you get to make that decision. Will you feel better if he's with you?”

“Yeah, but... isn't it a bit pathetic to need Mark holding my hand all the time?”

“Seb stop being so hard on yourself. If it makes you more comfortable then it is a good thing. Do you think RedBull would object?”

“No Christian says he's welcome.”

“So then?”

“I guess, thinking about what you were saying about taking more control... Maybe it should just be me on my own? You know, being more independent.”

“It's your call Seb. When I say you need to find ways to take control I don't mean you always have to choose the hardest option, I mean you should decide what is best for you. If you are nervous about going in for the first time, I don't think there is anything wrong with Mark going with you if it helps. It doesn't have to mean that's always how it will be.”

“Yeah. I don't know. Maybe he could go in with me but not go round with me?” suggested Seb.

Dr. Menton nodded.

“That sounds like a compromise. I'm sure Mark will happily do whatever you ask.”

“I know he will.”

Henry smiled.

“So that's something else to feel positive about. Why don't you discuss it with him and then you can make a decision. As long as it is your decision then you can feel good about it.”

“Yeah okay. I think maybe we could find a balance.”

 

Sebastian knew Mark would go along with whatever he asked. Henry was right, that alone was good to know.

“It may still feel a little daunting to see your team, because obviously it makes you think about the accident you had. That in itself is bound to be a little strange.”

“Yeah. I don't know. It's odd because I don't remember anything about that. It upsets Mark pretty badly.”

“Because Mark experienced it while you essentially didn't as you were either unconscious, or have no memory of it.”

“Exactly. Do you think it'd upset Mark to go there?”

“Has he said anything about that?”

“No.”

“So ask him. I suspect if it did he might have mentioned it already, but if you're wondering, ask.”

“Okay.”

“I'm sure they'll keep it low-key and practical. By tomorrow night I think you'll feel much better for having done it.”

“Yeah, it'll feel good to have a plan to get back in shape, or at least to make a start.”

“Precisely. Just see it that way Seb; Making a start. Getting the help you need from your trainer and your team. Control isn't about doing it all on your own, it's about deciding to take all the help you can get and making the most of it, letting people help you, just not letting them take over. So tomorrow at the factory remember that. Take all the help, but you're the one that has to do what you need to recover, so you're the one that decides how that help fits together.

If you decide you want Mark to go with you, in whatever capacity, try to think of it in those terms too; You are asking Mark for the help you need. Don't see it as a weakness, see it as getting the support you need and that Mark is only too willing to give. If it gives you confidence walking in then you will feel better set up for all the rest the day has in store and hopefully you'll handle it better.”

“I think if Mark sits at home he'd only be worrying,” noted Seb.

Henry smiled.

“I've no doubt that's true, so think of that as a double positive then. You're helping yourself and you're helping Mark.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian did feel a little lighter. He wanted to get back and start going through the information Christian had sent him now.

“So you've got quite a few ways you're starting to re-take control of your recovery and returning to normal. How does thinking about that make you feel?”

“Better I guess. It helps to think of it that way.”

“Good. Like I say, it's not a matter of _thinking_ yourself better, it's a matter of doing what you can and acknowledging where you need help. If you can take a bit of control over some things it may help you to feel slightly better about the things you _can't_ control such as the migraines you suffer, or emotional reactions, or not being at full fitness.

It may help to try to find some other little ways to feel less dependant on Mark. I've no doubt he wants to take care of you and if you are feeling ill there's no shame in letting him, but if you're feeling a bit better then I would suggest starting to try to do a few small things to feel more normal and less like an invalid. I don't mean trying to do everything, just small things; making cups of tea, helping with dinner. Just whatever feels do-able. You might be surprised at the difference it makes. I know it may sound mad to suggest that making a cup of tea can be empowering...”

“No, I get what you're saying.”

 

Sebastian suspected Mark might take a bit of persuasion, but if he explained it as Dr. Menton had, then surely Mark would only encourage him. It would feel good to help out more so Mark didn't have to do absolutely everything for him.

“So what do you say?” prompted Henry.

“Yeah I think you're right. I mean if I get one of my headaches I can't really do anything, but other times I can try a bit more.”

“Just very little steps okay Seb, only when you feel well enough. I don't want to think of you forcing yourself too hard and making yourself ill trying to, I don't know, lug the hoover around the house or something.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I can't imagine Pauline would be too happy if I did that either. Yeah okay, I understand.”

“Good. Okay then, well that's something to get started with and it sounds like you're going to work out a plan to tackle tomorrow. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss now?”

 

Sebastian looked at his watch.

“No I think that's enough for now. Thank you. I will try what you said.”

“I think a lot of it is more about viewing what you are doing in a more positive way. You've already been making progress. Don't let yourself feel too set-back by this week.”

“Okay.”

“Now before you go, do you want to talk more about feeling anxious or worries about having more attacks?”

Sebastian paused.

“No, I... I think I'm okay, I think you're right, if I can find ways to head off what I'm worrying about I won't be as nervous.”

“Good. Well think over what I've said and I hope it will help. Remember what I've always said though Seb; If you start to feel things building and you're worried that you are going to have an attack, you _do_ know the way to deal with it, try to stay calm and talk about anything concerning you with Mark and if you are hit by an attack, you know you can slow your breathing and bring it under control, you know that the feeling of panic _isn't_ going to last. You will be okay. I know the bad memories must feel fresher, but that time is long gone. You are in a good place now.”

Sebastian nodded as he absorbed the reassurances.

“Yeah, okay thanks. I guess I should get back to Mark. I know he'll be worrying.”

Dr. Menton nodded. He had no doubt that was true.

“Okay. Will you come back and let me know how you're getting along?”

“Sure.”

“This time next week?”

“Yeah, thanks. I'm not sure what they'll have planned for me with the team.”

“Well you can ring and rearrange if you need to. That's not a problem.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian took a decisive breath and got up, offering his hand to Henry who shook it and gave him a smile.

“No problem. I hope I've given you a few tools to feel a bit better. Remember to try not to be too hard on yourself and concentrate on the positive steps you are taking,” Henry instructed.

“I'll try and I'll talk to Mark about all this.”

“Of course. Well all the best for tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

 

As Sebastian left he was glad for coming. He felt his shoulders go back and walked a little taller. He had to try to view things in the light Henry did. Hopefully tomorrow he would be heading home feeling as though he really was taking control of things more. For now maybe he could just help Mark a little round the house. Even making tea or coffee, it would make him feel more normal. Seb thought he'd give quite a lot to get that feeling back.

 

Henry strayed over to the window as soon as he'd dumped the mugs and glass over on the side. He looked down and spotted Mark stood on the pavement leaning on the side of the car bonnet. Moments later Sebastian emerged from the front door and was in Mark's arms in a flash. Henry stepped away, feeling as though he was spying on them. Sebastian may yet have a tough road ahead for all his attempts to frame things more positively for him, but at least he had that unwavering support. Dr. Menton suspected that it may yet be harder for Mark than Seb to let him step up and fight the battle he had to now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mark and Sebastian sat in the car parked outside the RedBull factory in Milton Keynes. Sebastian took a deep breath trying to build himself up to this.

“You okay?” checked Mark, reaching over to give Seb's knee a reassuring rub.

Seb turned to him and gave a small nod.

“It's fine to be nervous, just don't put too much pressure on ourself, no one's expecting anything of you today. They just want to see you, that's all.”

“Yeah I know.”

“And like Dr. Menton said, it's just good to know you're doing this.”

Sebastian nodded again, they'd talked it through last night and it had made him feel better and eased his worries but they'd ramped up again now going back into work was a reality.

“You still want me to come in with you?” asked Mark.

“Yeah. You don't mind waiting around on me while I go round and whatever?” wondered Seb.

“Course not. Don't worry about me. I can clutter up Christian's office for a bit, get coffee, whatever, it's fine.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

Sebastian stretched up to give Mark a kiss on the cheek then sat back, took a decisive breath and reached across to open the car door. It was going to be fine. It did give him more confidence to have Mark here and they'd worked out a plan where they'd go for a chat with Christian, then Seb would go off see people on his own so he didn't feel as though he was clinging to Mark too much.

Of course if he was meant to be proving to himself that he didn't need to hold onto Mark's hand all the time, then Seb reflected he probably shouldn't be literally holding his hand as they crossed the car park, but then he thought 'fuck it', he _wanted_ to hold Mark's hand. It wasn't as if the team wasn't used to seeing it at races these days anyway. Mark gave his hand a little squeeze and Sebastian smiled back at him, definitely glad he was here.

 

 

 

Christian sat perched on the edge of his desk as they took seats opposite him, their initial greetings completed.

“Well it's good to see you Sebi and Mark of course.”

He would have liked to able to say Sebastian was looking well, but Christian thought that would be stretching a point. Seb was at least looking better than the last time he had seen him, but as that had been when Seb was lying in a hospital bed that wasn't really a comparison Christian wanted to make.

“So, umm, how are you feeling? I get good reports from Dr. Phillips of course, but I've wanted to give you a bit of space while you've been home.”

That and the fact he'd been half-way around the world at a couple of races, but Christian decided to leave that out.

“Yeah, better I guess, not perfect but, you know...” trailed off Seb, not wishing to get his boss's hopes up too high.

“There's no pressure, we just want to see you well and fit again, there's no deadlines on this.”

“Thanks.”

Mark gave Christian a nod which he reflected. Christian was actually glad to see Mark here as he hoped to get a bit of a chat with him whilst Sebastian was busy elsewhere.

“Okay, so I thought if you're agreeable we could just go around and say hello to a few people. Don't worry, I've not got any massed gatherings, we'll just pop round the offices a bit. Adrian's here, I know he's waiting to see you.”

“Oh, yeah, be nice to see him, it's been a while.”

Adrian at least Seb hadn't had to remind himself of which was something. When he'd gone over things yesterday with Mark he had been reassured to recognise quite a few faces, most really, even if the names took rather more work and he'd spent some time trying to find little techniques for storing the details in his head and asking Mark to test him. Mark had pointed out that the exercise wasn't meant to be an exam but he could tell that the process seemed necessary to Sebastian so he'd gone along with it, even if he hadn't been able to stop himself reminding Seb that all he really had to do was go up to people and say hi and make polite conversation. Nobody was going to be questioning him or waiting for him to go into any depth on technical matters. But then Mark suspected that Seb really knew that deep down, so whatever reduced the extent to which he spent the night before worrying was alright by him.

 

Christian rang through for coffee and they politely chatted for a while, waiting for Britta to come up and join them. Her presence wasn't essential, seeing as all she really had to do was organise one photographer to take a couple of snaps of Sebastian while he was here, but Britta wanted the excuse to see Seb so she could check how he was doing. She hugged them both when she arrived and was pleased that Seb was back making jokes that he'd expected her to be off on some tropical island making the most of her holiday instead of hanging around in unglamorous Milton Keynes.

They left it a while, Christian trying to keep things relaxed.

“Okay Seb, you ready to have a little walkabout, see who's around?”

“Sure.”

“We're just going to get a few pictures, get that out of the way,” assured Britta.

“Okay.”

Sebastian felt pretty strange about having photographs taken while he lurked by someone's desk but whatever, he wasn't going to say no.

“Mark, are you coming?" asked Christian.

“Oh no, you don't need me tagging along. I can hang about in here, or wherever.”

“Right, okay. Well yes that's fine. We'll do the rounds, then maybe head down to the canteen to have a break and then Seb can get some time with Antti and Doc Phillips.”

“Sure.”

Mark looked to Sebastian who chimed in agreement.

They got up and Mark simply gave Sebastian a small nod to try to impart confidence in him before he was left twiddling his thumbs again.

 

Sebastian walked out, feeling nervous. He knew it was ridiculous but he felt it anyway.

“I thought we'd see Adrian first,” began Christian, knocking on the office door just along the corridor.

Adrian's muffled voice came through beckoning them in. As they opened the door he looked up from his drawing board, appearing almost surprised to see them since he had been so absorbed in his work. He smiled and got up to give Seb a hug.

“Seb, oh it's so good to see you.”

Sebastian instantly relaxed. How could he have been worrying about this?

“Thanks. You too. Thank you for all your messages too. I'm sorry we didn't really reply much.”

Adrian waved a dismissive hand.

“Nonsense. I'm just glad you're okay. I was in America and...”

He shook his head. It had been the most appalling shock. Adrian hadn't thought these things should be possible any more. Sebastian's crash was his worst nightmares revisited and it had taken a lot for him to come back to help the team investigate how and why it occurred. Hoping against hope that none of the design features he had brought to the car were a factor in the crash. Not that Adrian was going to mention that now. Christian had warned them all off bringing the subject up yet. He pushed those thoughts away and gave Sebastian a smile.

“Mark not with you?” asked Adrian changing the subject.

Sebastian smiled. He'd been worrying and it turned out pretty much everyone seemed to expect Mark anyway.

“He's waiting in Christian's office.”

“Ah, right, well I may go have a little chat with him. I've been doing some work on adapting some of the front wing aero designs from LMP1 to suit the yacht and I'm sure he could tell me a few things.”

Seb smiled.

“I'm sure he'd be pleased to.”

“Great, well you keep Mark busy and we'll push on,” encouraged Christian.

 

They went from office to office, briefly saying hello to most and stopping for slightly longer chats with others. Sebastian was trying not to feel like a prize exhibit, not helped when the photographer turned up and took pictures of him attempting to not appear as awkward as he felt 'acting natural' as Seb stood chatting with a few engineers and trying not to look directly at the camera he knew was on him. Thankfully once they had got a couple of decent shots Britta dismissed the photographer and Sebastian started to feel more comfortable.

Mark was of course right as it turned out; All anyone seemed to expect was for him to say hi and politely respond to their enquiries that he was feeling much better and hoped to be back in the car soon. Christian casually pointed out which group they were approaching each time as a reminder to ease his concerns about remembering people.

 

When they got down to the mechanics' bays Sebastian was starting to feel more relaxed as he knew most of his worries had been unnecessary.

A group of half a dozen mechanics in overalls were busily peering over the exposed rear workings of one of the cars when they heard the group walk in and turned to see Sebastian.

“Bloody hell, look who it is!”

Sebastian actually laughed as he saw his team of mechanics and felt a wave of relief as he recognised them.

“Hello to you too Dave.”

Seb found himself swept up in several heartily enthusiastic hugs from his mechanics. It was a little startling, but far too friendly to be put out about.

“Jesus. It's good to see you,” smiled one of the men giving him a friendly pat on the arm.

Steve. It was _Steve_ , Seb tried not to let on how pleased he was that he could recall their names now he could actually see his guys again.

“Just Seb is fine, Steve,” grinned Sebastian, succeeding in making them laugh.

“Well you did come back from the dead,” risked another.

Christian looked horrified and the mechanic's face fell as he looked over at Sebastian.

“Oh shit, sorry, that was really...”

Seb shook his head to halt the apology. Maybe he should be bothered about the inappropriate joke, but strangely he wasn't. He was more pleased that the guys weren't treating him like he was some kind of fragile china doll.

“It's fine. Don't worry about it. So how are you guys doing? You missing me?”

“Course.”

“You'd better believe it. Come and have a look-see what that dumb kid did to your car last weekend.”

Christian rolled his eyes. He could tell them off later, but right now it was nice to see Sebastian getting to have a genuinely friendly chat with the guys. He knew that they had been very worried about Seb. Joking and banter was simply the way they communicated. He hung back while the group happily pointed out the damage they were repairing from the knock the car had taken in the last race, Christian commenting only that it had been a tricky corner where more than one person had seen their cars snap out over the line, although Christian himself was sure that a driver with greater experience like Sebastian would have recovered it. In all honesty the only thing Christian had cared about at the time was that the damage was to the car and not the driver. He didn't think he could go through that again.

 

 

Half an hour later they returned to Christian's office to collect Mark and he tried not to let it be too obvious that he had spent his time worrying about how Sebastian had got on.

“All okay then?” asked Mark as casually as he could.

Seb nodded.

“Fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Sorry if we took a while.”

Mark shook his head.

“Nah, no problem. I had a nice catch-up with Ade.”

“Why don't we pop down to the canteen for a change of scene,” proposed Christian, “should be quiet enough this time of day.”

 

 

 

By the time they had finished their coffee Mark was reassured to see Sebastian had visibly relaxed now he had found his fears about coming in had been largely baseless. Mark reflected that Christian was pretty smart about these things, no addressing the massed troops or anything too intimidating and now he'd got this part out of the way hopefully Seb would be in a better frame of mind to go over his physical assessment next.

Christian drained up his cup and looked over to see that the others had done the same. He checked his watch.

“Okay well I think Antti and Doc Phillips will be waiting for you Seb if you're ready?”

“Sure.”

“And you, umm, you know where you're going, right?” checked Christian.

Sebastian had done pretty well so far, but Christian knew he'd led the way a fair bit. He still didn't really know how much his driver was remembering and how much he was simply coping and going along with things.

Seb nodded. If he had to think his way around in abstract he might have struggled, but now he was here the building he had known for years was almost as familiar as home. He gave Mark a smile as he scooped up his bag to go find his trainer, trying to remind himself not to worry about this bit either.

“See you in a bit then.”

 

As he walked away Christian watched the way Mark followed Seb with his eyes.

“You okay to come back to my office for a little chat Mark?”

Mark turned his attention back.

“Hm? Oh yes okay.”

“I've got some work to do, so maybe give me a shout when Seb's back?” requested Britta.

Christian nodded and she left for her own office while they returned to Christian's on first floor.

 

“He's doing alright, yeah?” enquired Mark.

“Yes fine, no problems really. One of the mechanics made a pretty iffy joke about things, but Seb hardly blinked. I think he's coping fine.”

Mark frowned.

“What did he say?”

Christian recounted the exchange and Mark pulled an unimpressed face.

“Yeah that was the look I gave him. I'll have a word with him later, but actually Seb didn't seem bothered.”

“Hmm.”

Mark knew Sebastian was far too good at playing the role he thought he needed to, but he _had_ seemed fine just now.

“Mike did apologise. You know what that lot are like Mark. I'm sure he meant nothing by it,” excused Christian.

“Yeah, alright,” relented Mark, thinking he could check properly with Sebastian later.

“I did tell everyone to avoid the whole topic seeing as it's obviously pretty sensitive,” noted Christian.

“Mm, yeah, to be honest I think less so with Seb than the rest of us,” Mark admitted.

“Really?”

Mark gave a slight shrug.

“It's still a complete blank for him. So I guess for Seb it's almost like it didn't happen. I know that probably sounds pretty mixed up, he knows the score, but I think it's almost as if the actual crash happened to somebody else.”

Christian nodded slowly.

“Dr. Phillips has said it is possible Seb may never regain those memories,” he noted.

“Yeah we know,” Mark confirmed, “I think that's best really. He's got enough to deal with.”

“True. I didn't want to bring it up with Seb, but we have finished our investigation into the crash now.”

“Right.”

“Do you think it's too soon to go into it with him?” wondered Christian.

Mark puffed a breath.

“I don't know. Like I say, he's pretty abstract on the whole thing. I told him it was the brakes failing. Did you find anything else?”

“A few more details, but basically yeah.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark heavily.

In his head Mark could instantly see the terrifying plumes of black smoke as Sebastian shot off track, the gravel flying up and the tyre wall approaching too fast. Mark puffed another breath and closed his eyes for a moment trying not to get upset from merely thinking about the crash. Christian looked over his desk at him and sighed.

“Sorry Mark. It must be far worse for you.”

Mark looked back at him and nodded tightly.

“We'll leave it. I shouldn't have brought it up, sorry,” Christian apologised.

“No it's fine.”

“Maybe in a week or two we can see if Seb wants to go over all that. Just to set his mind at rest?”

“Yeah maybe.”

“If you both wanted, you could come along too and hear the explanation?” suggested Christian.

“Erm, yeah maybe. We'll talk about it.”

“Sure.”

 

Mark still wasn't certain if he was going to be up to going through that but it was kind of Christian to offer to include him.

“Okay thanks. Listen mate, I'm sure you're busy. Why don't I leave you to it and go kill some time chatting to a few of my old guys?” offered Mark.

“Oh, um sure why not. I think Antti said they'd be about an hour so if you just come back here for twelve-thirty?”

“You don't mind me distracting a few people?”

Christian gave him a smile, Mark had always been very popular in the team. In many ways it felt as though he was still a member.

“Course not, plenty of them were asking where you were as we went round before. They'll be glad to see you.”

Mark nodded and went out to find a way to distract himself from thinking too much about how Seb was getting on now.

 

 

 

 

Antti had already measured Seb on the scales, now he was lifting the t-shirt of the training kit that Sebastian had changed into to pinch his skin to measure his fat and pulling a face as he read off more measurements to Dr. Phillips who was helping out by marking them down as they assessed him between the two of them. Sebastian felt slightly uncomfortable as he always did being prodded and poked about, but he knew it was necessary.

Antti looked over to Dr. Phillips unhappily.

“I thought you said he's been eating?” he accused.

“I _have_ been eating,” intervened Seb, trying to remind them that he was actually a person here, not just a subject for them to discuss.

Antti turned his gaze to him.

“Hm, if you say so. Not much I'm guessing.”

Seb shrugged.

“I've not been doing so much, so I don't get as hungry.”

“Yes well if you want to get back in shape we need to change that.”

Sebastian huffed out a breath. It felt as though he was getting told off by a school teacher.

“Yeah alright.”

Antti continued prodding at Sebastian, feeling his muscles and asking him to flex them so he could measure those as well. Sebastian was starting to feel as though he was a heffer being taken to market. He wasn't sure they'd get a good price for him right now.

“Good. Now we need to go down to the gym and we shall see how you are really doing.”

 

Sebastian climbed onto the running machine whilst Antti rechecked the monitoring equipment attached to his chest so they could measure his heart-rate, his t-shirt discarded on the side. Dr. Phillips had the kit ready to measure his blood-pressure as well. It was unpleasantly like being back in hospital, only with the added torture of the running machine thrown in.

“Okay, so we will start slow and build up,” advised Antti.

Seb nodded.

“Seb you must say when it is too much, okay?” explained Dr. Phillips.

“Yes okay.”

Sebastian was pretty sure he would have to. Dr. Phillips had already taken several opportunities to remind his trainer that Sebastian had been only doing very gentle exercise until now. Seb wasn't certain if he was going to able to run at all.

“Ready?” prompted Antti as he programmed the machine to begin at a slow walking pace.

“Yep.”

Seb wasn't sure that he really was.

 

 

“Okay... Okay, I've got to...”

Sebastian was struggling to get enough breath to speak. He put his hands on the bars of the machine and lifted himself up off the speeding belt he was running on so he could place his feet either side. His arms shook as he did so and Antti removed the little wires stuck to his bare chest and had to help him off as he stopped the machine and between him and Dr. Phillips they sat him down. Seb was dripping with sweat so Antti passed him a towel while the doctor checked him over again. They had done this several times over, picking up the pace each time.

Dr. Phillips shook his head at Seb's trainer.

“That's enough.”

“Okay,” relented Antti.

“Seb are you okay?” asked Dr. Phillips.

Sebastian was still breathing heavily.

“Okay, just... bit dizzy.”

Dr. Phillips looked in his eyes and checked his pulse, making sure he was alright.

“Just sit still for a bit, you'll be okay in a minute,” he reassured.

Antti fetched Sebastian an energy drink to help him recover and left him so the two of them could discuss their subject and how his results looked, watching Seb out of the corner of their eyes to see he was okay. They did a few more checks now Sebastian had rested, then spoke again. After a few minutes of note-making the pair came back over.

 

“How are you feeling now Seb?” checked Antti.

Sebastian puffed a long breath.

“Honestly? Knackered.”

Antti nodded.

“I know I pushed you, but that's my job. We're going to need to push if we're going to get you fit again. Assuming that's what you want?”

“Of course that's what I want,” insisted Sebastian.

“Good. It will be hard. You will suffer. You will think it is impossible and then you will do more,” stated Antti in a flat matter-of-fact voice.

Seb looked at him, then Dr. Phillips and laughed unexpectedly.

“You're really selling it.”

Antti gave him a smile.

“You do not pay me to be nice to you. You will thank me in the end. We will do what no one thinks is possible and have you back in the car, leaving the rest for dust once more. If that is what you want?”

“That's what I want. I want to get back to normal as fast as I can,” Seb asserted.

“Good. You have Mark to be kind to you. I will not be kind and I will not care if you hate me at times.”

Dr. Phillips raised an eyebrow. He'd had enough discussions with Seb's trainer about setting realistic expectations, but it seemed that wasn't the way he was programmed.

“Within limits. We are still going to work out a graduated plan for you Seb,” inserted Dr. Phillips.

“Of course. Yeah I know I'm not up to much now.”

“You are underweight and have lost some muscle-tone, but beyond that I think you can build back your fitness quite quickly once you get started. A lot of it is in your head,” explained Antti.

Dr. Phillips pulled a face.

“He is still recovering from a concussion.”

“I am aware of that, but it is improving, yes?”

Dr. Phillips gave a tip of his head.

“Seb how are you now? Still dizzy?” asked the doctor.

Sebastian's breath was back to normal.

“No, I think I'm fine.”

Antti gave his muscles a rub, knowing they were underused.

“You should go shower then we will go through and we can discuss this.”

 

Seb nodded and did as he was told. The moment he was gone Dr. Phillips shook his head at Antti.

“You can't push him too hard or you could set him back. I've told you this.”

“I know.”

“He has a serious concussion. He was lying in hospital for a week and since then all Sebastian has managed is walking the dogs. You can't expect him to run miles and lift his own body-weight in the gym.”

Antti smiled.

“I expect him to do just that. I _don't_ expect him to do it straight away. We will build up. I'm not an idiot. I will work out a plan with your consultation. For now Sebastian needs to be told that he can do what he thinks he cannot. He needs to believe he can achieve it, then he will do so.”

Dr. Phillips nodded. He knew Antti was far from stupid, his job was at least as much psychological as physiological.

“Sebastian is one of the most determined individuals I have ever met,” stated Antti, “I think he will surprise everyone.”

Dr. Phillips had to agree. If anyone could, then Sebastian ought to be the one to do it.

 

 

 

 

Christian had gathered everyone into his office; Britta, Dr. Phillips and Antti in addition to Sebastian and Mark. Antti was running through his findings.

“The underlying fitness is recoverable. I will send you a diet plan to get your body back up to what you should be at a racing weight and if you agree, we shall begin training from next week.”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark looked to Dr. Phillips.

“You think he's up to it?”

“We will be managing the development carefully.”

“It's fine Mark,” mollified Seb.

“Hm, okay.”

Christian could see how Mark was worrying.

“We'll all be keeping a close eye on how he progresses.”

“I believe Sebastian is capable of reaching a reasonable level of fitness quite quickly once his body gets reacquainted with being used as it is meant to be,” asserted Antti confidently.

Mark still felt like protesting that was putting too much pressure on Seb, but he didn't want to suggest Seb wasn't able to do it.

“We all know Seb is capable of almost anything he sets his mind to,” noted Christian encouragingly.

“I will work on it over the weekend,” stated Antti.

“When do you want me in then?” asked Seb.

“Monday. We start as we mean to go on, yes?”

“Yes okay. I have my out-patients appointment in the morning at the hospital though.”

“The afternoon is fine.”

“Good, well that's a plan,” agreed Christian, “Britta?”

“I don't suppose it'll surprise you that I get enquiries pretty much daily. We'll put out a little piece about you coming in today, so I'll work on that and if I can have a few minutes to go over it with you on Monday that would be good. Maybe add a few quotes?”

“Sure,” accepted Seb, knowing Britta would really only want him to agree to whatever few words she thought appropriate to include.

“I also get a dozen requests for interviews every week, but I think we'll keep putting them off for now,” she added.

Sebastian nodded gratefully. It sounded as if he was going to have more than enough on his plate.

 

“Good, well I think we can count this as a successful day,” insisted Christian in an upbeat tone.

Sebastian surreptitiously stole a look at his watch. It wasn't yet one o'clock so he wasn't sure this counted as a full day's work, but he was glad that he had got through it.

“Okay that will do for now, we can pick things up on Monday. Shall we say one pm?” rounded off Christian, looking around to get an array of nods in agreement.

“Great, well thank you everyone. I'm sure we're going to be back to normal in no time.”

“Thanks everyone,” added Sebastian.

“I think I can speak for all of us when I say it's good to have you back Seb,” replied Christian. “Now before you dash off, I think Britta has a little detour for you.”

Britta smiled and they got up. Sebastian and Mark followed her to her office along with Christian while the others went to work on their plans.

 

Britta let them in and they stood around wondering what this was about until she pointed out a couple of mail sacks stacked on the other side of her door. Mark and Sebastian looked at them wondering what this was about while Christian smiled.

“That's all for you,” explained Britta.

“Sorry?” frowned Seb.

“The post. It's all addressed to you. Don't worry, I'm not expecting you to take it home with you but I got the team to pull out a few pieces you might like to keep.”

Britta went to her desk and pulled out a manilla folder from a drawer. She passed it to Sebastian who still looked nonplussed.

“They're cards, letters, all sorts, someone did you a piece of embroidery...”

Britta smiled, seeing Sebastian still hadn't caught on.

“They're get well cards, best wishes, that sort of thing.”

“ _Oh.”_

Sebastian looked so surprised it almost broke Mark's heart. He put an arm around and gave him a squeeze as Seb stood there still holding the folder, staring at the piled sacks.

“All of those?” Sebastian asked, sounding slightly stunned.

“Yes. We've not counted, but there must be hundreds, maybe thousands.”

Britta wasn't going to tell them that they'd had to pull out a few less than friendly messages from people who had taken it upon themselves to share their ill-wishes. In Britta's opinion anyone who would do such a thing had something wrong with them. At least they were in the smallest of minorities. The vast majority of the mail was filled with positivity and the most generous side of humanity, she preferred to focus on that.

 

Seb bit his lip and Mark squeezed him tighter.

“Are you going to look then?” prompted Mark, slackening his hold on Seb.

Sebastian nodded and opened the file to look through the contents. He pulled out a few get well cards and read their messages, glanced over a beautifully penned letter sent all the way from Japan, then half-way through the file Seb came across an A4 sheet of paper with a child's crayon drawing of him with Mark and their two dogs. _'Get Well Soon Seb'_ was written in a neat array of rainbow colours across the top. Sebastian turned it over and read the message:

 _'Dear Seb, please come back racing, we miss you. Thank you for answering my question in Italy. I'm sorry you had a crash_ _and got hurt_ _. I hope you get better soon. Love Katherine, aged 8.'_

“She was one of the fans who wrote in with questions you answered in the BBC interview,” explained Britta, unsure if he would remember, “she asked about your pets.”

Sebastian nodded tightly. He didn't really remember, but this little girl clearly did. Seb was touched and so surprised by such a sweet gesture that he couldn't stop a tear leaking out. He rapidly brushed it away with his sleeve.

“Sorry.”

“Oh hey no Seb, it's fine,” assured Britta lightly.

Mark gave him a smile as he looked at the picture in Sebastian's hand.

“I think she got us pretty accurate.”

Seb looked again and smiled as he looked at the drawing. The two little figures were holding hands, a dog either side of them. Maybe Seb's hair wasn't quite such a bright yellow and he hoped he didn't really have round pink circles on his cheeks, but other than that he had to agree that Mark was right, it was pretty good; the girl had drawn Mark taller than him, they were both wearing race-suits and smiling. It was a lovely happy picture.

“We'll take them home and look over them, thanks Britta,” continued Mark.

“Yeah thanks,” added Seb.

Sebastian was thinking how strange it was to know that people he had never met were concerned enough about him to go to the trouble of sending all these things. He wondered if the little girl had been watching the race when he crashed and how it might have frightened her. Maybe he should write her a note for Britta to send so she knew he was okay? It would be nice to be able to say thank you for this. There were plenty of people he needed to start saying thank you to.

Christian smiled over.

“There's a lot of people hoping to see you back. We'll get there, right Seb?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, well we'll see you on Monday. I hope you have a good weekend.”

Sebastian nodded and filed the picture back away.

“Any questions or anything you think of in the meantime, you can always drop me a text, or ring me, right?”

Christian deliberately included both Seb and Mark in his gaze.

“Sure,” agreed Sebastian.

“Thanks then,” signed off Mark, while Seb fitted the folder into his bag. Mark almost offered to take the bag for him, but they had agreed that Seb wanted to try to do more for himself and Mark knew he had to let him.

 

 

As they walked out Mark took Seb's hand again. He didn't even think about anyone looking at them and if he had he wouldn't have cared. They said bye to the girl on reception and exited into the car park.

They climbed into the car and once in Mark leaned over and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“I'm so proud of you.”

Sebastian squished his face a bit.

“I can't believe I just cried in there.”

“Nah, just a bit of eye watering. Doesn't count. Besides it's only Britta and Christian. Believe me, they've seen me far worse, so don't worry about it, okay?”

Sebastian was about to ask when Mark meant, but then he realised he must be referring to when he was in the hospital. Poor Mark, going through all that and Seb barely remembered any of it. It was as if Mark had been through it on his own in many ways.

“Thank you.”

“What for?”

“Everything really, but for coming with me today.”

“Of course. I'm glad you let me come.”

“It really helped, just to know you were there, but I think, maybe on Monday...”

“You're good to go on your own?” guessed Mark.

“Well I'm not sure about driving here.”

“Right, well maybe we should start working on that too?”

“You reckon?”

“Just little bits, we could try going to the supermarket tomorrow?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Good. Right then, let's go home.”

 

 

 

 

 

They settled on the sofa after having some lunch, Sebastian already making a conscious effort to try to eat more.

“How're you feeling?” enquired Mark, thinking he'd been quiet. “Not worrying about starting up things next week are you?”

“No, I think it'll be good. I've just got a bit of a headache now.”

“Oh right, hang on let me get your stuff.”

Mark returned, offering Seb the choice of bottles. Seb pointed at the weaker ones.

“You're sure?”

“Yeah. I just need a bit of help and a rest, I'll be okay.”

“Alright then.”

Mark passed him the bottle and water, then Seb noted down the medication on the sheet. Once he had taken his dose Mark slipped his arm around Seb and gave him a kiss on the temple.

 

“Don't let them push you too hard darling, okay? Remember it's okay to say when it's too much,” reminded Mark, trying not to let his own worries leak into his voice.

“Okay.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

“Okay. I know you're going to do great, just, take care of yourself.”

“You take care of me Liebling.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah well I try.”

 

Seb rested his head on Mark's shoulder, waiting for the drugs to kick in to relieve the pain. He suspected as he pushed harder with his training there would be more of this. He'd just have to manage it.

“Maybe we'll be back to doing our runs soon?” suggested Mark.

“Yeah, I'd really like that.”

“Good.”

Sebastian let out a sigh, thinking that was something to aim for.

“I miss our runs.”

“Me too.”

“And going for coffee.”

“We'll do that too. We could do that tomorrow if you wanted, just drive over?”

Seb turned more to look at Mark.

“I think it has to be a reward for running there.”

“Ah, okay, if you say so. Still, we've got that to look forward to.”

“Yeah. I am looking forward to that.”

“Me too. How's your head? Any better?”

Seb shrugged.

“Think I'm just a bit worn out.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark softly, “do you want to lie down?”

“Here?”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian moved to lie his head down on Mark's lap, curling his legs up on the sofa and letting out another long sigh as he relaxed. Mark rested one hand lightly on Seb's arm and with the other gently stroked his hair. Sebastian looked at the dogs who were positioned on the floor watching them. He gave them a little smile to let them know he was alright, then Seb closed his eyes and let himself concentrate on the feeling of Mark stroking his hair, easing his headache away.

It felt good to be so cared for. Seb knew the headache would pass. He wasn't going to worry right now about how hard things were going to be, or let himself focus on the past when the future was what mattered now. He had Mark to be kind to him, to love and support him, and all the rest to push and help as best they could in their different ways. Seb knew he was going to need all of that help to get better. It might not be easy, but he was going to do it. He owed it to Mark, he owed it to all those people that had written him such thoughtful messages of support, he owed it to the team and his family, but most of all he owed it to himself. He was going to do this: He was going to get better.

 

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go, a nice soothing end to a very important chapter for Seb especially, Mark a lot too and of course me.
> 
> Still a way to go and as you know this story can't just stay stuck in my head, so it will keep going and it's a wonderful reassurance to see that people keep reading.  
> If you enjoy it, that's great, if the themes and the plot touch you, I am gratified and amazed to find out that is so. Thank you for reading. It means a lot.  
> 


	90. Revving Up

 

* * *

 

 

 

Sebastian sat at the wheel of the car feeling ridiculously nervous. He was an F1 driver for godsake, how could he be feeling so uncertain in his ability to operate a road car just to try to make it go a few feet forwards? All he had done so far was switch seats with Mark and put the seatbelt on but now he felt almost frozen in place. Seb rested his hands on the steering wheel and looked out of the windscreen trying to convince himself that he should just try it and see if he was worrying over nothing.

They had pulled over onto the empty far side of the car-park after doing their shop at the supermarket. It was fairly busy seeing as it was mid-morning on a Saturday, but as usual all the shoppers tried to park as close to the entrance as possible so the nearest half of the car-park was crammed while the further part almost deserted as it seemed that walking more than a few yards to their car was far too much effort for most people. Happily this gave them plenty of empty tarmac to play with and Mark had suggested Seb have a little try at the wheel before attempting driving on the road.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded, looking concentrated.

“So umm, think you know what you're doing, or should we run through it?” Mark wondered.

Sebastian turned to him, still looking uncertain.

“I... yeah I think I've got it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Good so, just, maybe try going really slowly, test things out.”

Seb nodded again then looked over all the instruments and parts of the car again. Mark noticed the way he was trying to look down into the foot-well.

“So just remember ABC,” he prompted.

Seb frowned.

“ABC?”

“Accelerator, brake, clutch. The pedals,” Mark explained.

“Oh, right.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah I learnt to drive in Germany, doesn't really translate.”

Mark smiled back.

“Guess not. Ah well, I'm not sure I'm up to doing driving lessons in German.”

“No it's fine. I think I've got it. You ready?”

Mark gave him a solid nod.

“Just try a few crawling a few yards and then stop,” he suggested.

“As long as I remember which the brake is.”

Mark was about to say something when he finally saw the twitch of a smile on Seb's lips.

“Well if you don't I'll just have to grab the handbrake.”

Sebastian laughed a little nervously. He was being stupid about this. Nothing could go wrong with Mark here. He'd never let him get into any trouble. It was fine. He just had to give it a try. He knew how to drive. He _did_ know, didn't he?

 

“Very reassuring. Okay.”

Seb made to press the accelerator slightly to just rev the engine.

“Speaking of which, might want to take the handbrake off mate,” noted Mark.

“Ah yes.”

Seb released the handbrake and revved again to slowly inch forwards before testing himself by braking safely then repeating the action a few times.

“Okay.”

“See you've got it,” praised Mark. “Maybe a bit faster?”

“Try second gear you mean? Sounds risky,” teased Sebastian.

“I reckon we'll be alright,” Mark replied, trying to stop things getting too heavy.

 

Seb nodded and started up again, driving slowly around the painted lanes between empty parking spaces. He was still cautious, but it all went smoothly enough. He tried not to think what anyone watching might think as they trundled around and around for no apparent reason. As they got closer to where a few cars were parked he pulled up and stopped.

“Good stuff,” encouraged Mark. “How'd it feel?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, alright I think. It's sort of easier if I don't actually think about what I'm doing. Does that make sense?”

“I know what you mean, but you've got it. Just need a bit more speed and confidence.”

“Mm.”

Seb knew he was still lacking in the latter particularly.

“Feel up to having a go at driving home or shall we swap back?” wondered Mark.

“Oh, umm.”

It was only a twenty minute drive back but the part nearest the supermarket was a fairly busy A-road and Sebastian felt suddenly uncertain again.

“Maybe.”

“Don't have to, it's fine if that's enough for now,” replied Mark making sure he kept his tone light so as not to pressure Sebastian.

Seb thought for a moment. He did want to try a bit of real driving.

“Do you think maybe I could take over when we get off the main road?” he suggested.

“Good idea. Righto, we can do that.”

 

Mark gave Sebastian a smile and a pat on the knee.

“Let's swap then and you can have another go in a bit.”

They climbed out and switched positions again, Sebastian already feeling better for having given it a try. At least he had managed to do the basics and it gave him hope that there might be more stored away in his brain than he had thought.

 

 

 

Seb pulled up on the driveway and let out a relieved sigh that would have made Mark laugh in other circumstances. Instead he smiled over at Seb.

“Perfect,” Mark praised.

“Bit slow.”

Mark shrugged.

“Doesn't matter. There's no rush.”

All in one piece was the only thing that Mark cared about. Thankfully the lanes on their route home had been nice and clear and Sebastian had coped fine with driving. It didn't matter if it had taken them rather longer than usual.

 

As they climbed out of the car Mark looked over to Sebastian.

“You want to go put the kettle on?”

Sebastian walked towards the boot of the car to meet him.

“I think I can manage a couple of bags,” he chided.

Mark held up his hands.

“Okay.”

Seb stepped in closer and looked at Mark carefully.

“You have to start letting me help Liebling.”

Mark nodded. They'd had this talk more than once but it was hard not to want to do everything for Seb.

“Okay,” Mark agreed.

“Thank you.”

Seb pushed up and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“And thank you for the driving lesson.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Don't think I really did anything, but anyway.”

He popped open the boot and passed Seb a couple of bags, still unable to stop himself making sure that they were lighter ones and they started to sort things out to go in.

 

 

Once all their supplies were stored away Sebastian filled the kettle and between them they made a couple of mugs of tea. It felt good to remember the way they did this; it was only a little mundane task but the way they worked together so naturally without needing to speak did remind them both of how things normally were. As they sat down the dogs pushed in for a stroke and the two of them sipped their drinks in companionable silence.

Seb felt himself relax, pleased that things were going well. He had been glad to sit down just now and get a break. Silly as it almost seemed, it felt as though they had already had a busy morning; getting up reasonably early, having breakfast and walking the dogs, doing the rounds of the supermarket and then trying some driving. He wasn't exactly tired as such but Seb did need a moment.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

“Yep.”

“Good. You did really well with the driving. Don't worry about the speed, we'll just keep practising.”

“Yeah, thanks. You're very patient.”

“Nah.”

“You are though.”

Mark simply shrugged back. He had no problem being patient, he only wanted to be sure that Seb was happy with what he was doing.

“I think it's good that I can remember what to do,” noted Sebastian.

“Course it is.”

“So I've probably got quite a bit up there.”

Mark laughed as Seb indicated his head.

“I think you've got plenty up there sweetheart. You just need to get it going again.”

“Yeah. At least I've got something good to tell Dr. Roberts on Monday.”

“I'm sure she'll be very impressed. We can have another go tomorrow if you like?”

“Yeah okay.”

“You're not too tired, or headachy or anything?”

“Mm, no I'm alright, just need five minutes.”

“Sure.”

 

They lapsed into quiet again before Mark spoke up.

“I could do with giving Andreas a ring.”

“Oh?”

Sebastian looked blank and Mark paused before braving carrying on, remembering how badly this had gone last time.

“Yeah, so umm there's meant to be a race next weekend. Well there _is_ a race, in Japan... Anyway I just need to have a chat with him to let him know they're going to have to manage without me.”

They looked at one another for a moment, each wondering what to say next.

“You could go,” suggested Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“Not yet okay. We're not going to argue over this are we?”

Mark kept his voice even, not wanting to let any heat get into this conversation. His mind was made up, no way was he leaving Seb after all the upset of last week and right as he was starting up his training again. Not a chance.

 

Sebastian squished his face a bit. A part of him did want to insist that Mark should go, but a bigger part of him wanted Mark here with him.

“You're sure it'll be okay?”

Mark reached his hand over and placed it on top of Sebastian's as he looked him in the eye.

“It'll be fine. He said so.”

“And the board?”

“And the board too. He told me Matthias himself said not to worry about it.”

Sebastian took in a breath and let it out slowly.

“If you're sure.”

“I'm sure.”

Mark gave him a little nod and rubbed his thumb over the back of Seb's hand.

“I'm not letting anything come ahead of family ever again, okay?”

 

Sebastian swallowed and nodded back. Family. They were family. It did feel good to know that. He wondered if it was strange that the idea almost made him want to cry.

“I don't want to feel selfish asking you to stay,”

Mark smiled gently and shook his head.

“You're not asking me to stay. I'm telling you I'm staying. You're not being selfish. It's just how things are. I need to be here, for me as much as you. I was miserable last time, it was awful. I can't do that again okay sweetheart?”

“Okay.”

“Okay then.”

Mark picked up his tone.

“Besides if I went away who'd be your driving instructor and chauffeur?”

Sebastian managed a half smile at that.

“Chauffeur?”

“I'm thinking of charging an hourly rate.”

Seb smiled more.

“I'd have to make you wear a hat.”

“I'd like to see you try.”

Mark grinned at him and leaned over to kiss Seb's cheek, relieved that they had resolved this without too much drama.

 

“Right, well while I think on I'll see if I can get hold of him, get it out of the way then we can have lunch.”

Sebastian wondered whether he ought not make a little more effort to persuade Mark he should go but he didn't have it in him.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark gave him a nod.

“It's fine.”

“I will pay you back some time.”

“Get better. That's how you pay me back, alright?”

“Okay.”

Mark stood up and pulled his phone from his pocket ready to go through to another room to make the call.

“Shall I make a start on lunch?” proposed Seb.

“Oh, um yeah if you want to. You sure you're not tired?”

“I'm alright now. It's just lunch. No big deal, right?”

Sebastian stood to match Mark.

“Righto then. Five minutes,” parted Mark.

 

 

 

 

Mark sat balanced on the edge of the desk in his little study. It felt oddly more official to make this call in here where he usually did any work he needed to concentrate on.

“Okay so you're sure it's alright?” he double-checked with his boss.

“Of course Mark. That's what I told you isn't it? We only want you back when you're ready to be back,” assured Andreas.

“And you're sure the others will be fine with taking the strain?”

“Mark don't take this the wrong way but we were pretty much expecting this. They managed okay last time.”

“Okay, well I don't want to feel like I'm letting you down...”

“You aren't. We understand Seb has to be your priority right now.”

“It's just, I nearly lost him and...”

Mark's voice caught unexpectedly and he had to pull himself back from the sudden rush of emotion.

“Sorry.”

“You don't need to be sorry. It's completely understandable Mark.”

“I know it's a few weeks but he's only just getting his memory back properly and starting to do things. He's still recovering from the concussion. He needs me here.”

“Of course he does. I'm glad to hear Seb's making progress. That's good news. You do what you need to do and come back when the time is right. We only want you in the car when you want to be there.”

“I do want to be in the car,” asserted Mark.

“No of course, sorry, that came out wrong. I know you want to be in the car and we want you there, but only when it's where you need to be and not when you need to be elsewhere, okay Mark?”

“Okay. Hopefully we really are going to be getting somewhere now.”

“Good.”

“So maybe... I mean the next race is a month off, so I'd hope maybe then...”

“Let's hope so.”

Mark let out a relieved breath.

“Thank you. Really Andreas, I appreciate it so much.”

“It's not a problem Mark and as I say you're not to worry about the board or anything like that, it's all in hand.”

“Thank you.”

“Well I'll let you go. Give my best wishes to Seb.”

“I will. Cheers mate and good luck for the race.”

“Thank you. Well we'll speak soon I hope.”

“Sure. Thanks again and if you could pass on my thanks to Matthias?”

“Of course.”

They hung up and Mark set the phone down on the desk. He tipped his head back to look at the ceiling for a moment. It was done. He hadn't been looking forward to making that call but it had to be this way. Mark knew Seb might be doing better physically but emotionally there was no way Seb was ready to be left and if he did go, Mark knew he would be worried and feeling guilty the whole time he was away which wasn't likely to put him in a good frame of mind to actually race. No it was too soon. Maybe the next one, but not yet. Family first. It wasn't a lesson Mark needed to learn twice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were sat in the car again, waiting once more outside the RedBull factory in Milton Keynes. Mark had the feeling that he was going to be seeing a lot of this somewhat unprepossessing car-park on the outskirts of town. This morning at the hospital had gone pretty well. Certainly far better than the last time they had been there. Both Mark and Sebastian had been grateful that Dr. Roberts hadn't pushed too hard following up discussing Seb's panic attacks, only enquiring how he was doing and that there had been no reoccurrence, accepting that he was seeing his therapist again to help deal with them and to work on his anxiety issues to feel more positive. That was one down, and Sebastian had felt confident enough afterwards to take the wheel of the car for the last part of their journey home from the Radcliffe earlier. Now he had to face going into work again.

“You're sure you're okay on your own?” asked Mark.

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded. He'd feel pretty useless hanging about the place, but he would have done it if Seb asked.

“So I'll just come and pick you up when you're done then?”

“You don't mind?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well it's a pretty long walk for you otherwise.”

“No I mean I could get a taxi.”

“Don't be daft. I'll pick you up. Any idea what time or do you just want to give me a ring?”

“Um, well two hours I think. Christian and Britta want a bit of time and then it's mostly Antti in the gym.”

“Right okay. I'll come back for three unless I hear otherwise, yeah?”

“Thanks Liebling, you sure that's okay?”

“I'm sure. Think I'll go out on my bike for a bit but I'll have my phone on me, alright?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian nodded and took a deep breath, then leaned over to give Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“You will remember what I said?” pressed Mark.

“Yes. Okay, gotta go. See you later.”

“See you later. I'm sure it'll all go fine.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian climbed out of the car and Mark watched him walk in. It crossed his mind that he could use some time in the gym himself but the bike would do for this afternoon. He could hardly go and use the gym here while Seb was working with his trainer. Sebastian had told him what Antti had said the other day and Mark already knew he wouldn't handle seeing Seb being pushed too hard, no matter how good the intentions behind it. Nope, time to go distract himself for a while and let Seb get on with it. If he set off now Mark could have nearly an hour's ride out, that wasn't too bad. Time to get cracking with improving his own fitness.

 

 

 

Sebastian stood ready on the treadmill. They'd already spent some time going over his diet sheet and had a little time with Dr. Phillips who claimed to just be checking in but hung around waiting and watching while Antti ran through some more tests with Seb until he finally accepted that things seemed to be in hand and left them to it. Now it was just the two of them and Seb knew he was in for a less than pleasant time.

“Okay. Ready to do some work?” checked his trainer.

“Yep.”

“Good. So we begin.”

 

 

Sebastian was panting for breath as he ran, struggling to keep up with the pace. He wanted to fight it, to show Antti he wasn't a complete wreck but he couldn't do any more.

“Okay, I...” Seb puffed a hard breath. “I have to... stop. Please.”

Antti looked at him, assessing how much difficulty his charge really was in before nodding and hitting the button to slow the machine.

“Just walk it out,” he instructed.

Sebastian looked at Antti trying to indicate that wasn't what he had in mind when he said 'stop'. He would have protested but Seb didn't think he could spare the oxygen.

His heart was still pounding when Antti finally let the machine come to a complete halt and Sebastian climbed off with legs that were shaking. He wasn't entirely sure whether his whole body might not be shaking.

“Sit. Drink this,” commanded Antti handing Seb a bottle.

Sebastian did as instructed while Antti took his pulse, then let him rest while he made a few notes. As his trainer came back over Sebastian puffed out a long breath and allowed him to take his pulse again, trying not to take too personally the way Antti shook his head unhappily to see how elevated it remained minutes after he had stopped exercising.

“Another few minutes then,” agreed Antti, wanting to wait to see how long it took Seb to return to a resting pulse rate.

 

“Right that will do,” agreed Antti shortly after.

“We're done?” asked Seb in surprise.

“No. Now we start with the weights.”

“Oh my god. I think you're trying to kill me.”

Antti looked at him. Sometimes he wasn't sure when Sebastian was joking. He usually joked quite a lot, but Seb seemed more serious since his accident. Not all that surprising Antti supposed.

“I am not trying to kill you. I am trying to help you.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and tried giving Antti a smile to see if he couldn't get him to loosen up a little.

“Yeah I do know. Jeez sometimes I think Dietrich just finally shelled out and got me a cyborg.”

“A what?”

“A... never mind. Yeah okay, I get that you're doing your job. It's just not easy that's all. I've not being doing anything for nearly a month.”

“I know that Seb. That's why we have to push. You understand it is my job to push you?”

“Yeah I do.”

“I will not let you hurt yourself. That would be counter-productive.”

Seb had to laugh, he wasn't entirely sure his joke about Antti being a robot was a million miles off the truth, especially now as his trainer was looking at him oddly for laughing. God he missed being able to joke around with Mark when they did their training together. Sebastian wished RedBull had gone the extra mile and programmed Antti with more of a sense of humour. That was probably unfair. Maybe he was just pissed off with him being such a hard-ass about this? Sebastian took another breath and told himself he just had to suck it up and do as his trainer said. Mark would never be this hard on him if it was just the two of them training together at home. Then again, maybe that was a good thing. Maybe.

 

A little while later Sebastian lay back, his arms vibrating as he tried to pull the weight towards him. He let go.

“I can't.”

“Yes you can. Try it again.”

“ _Antti_.”

“Just a few more then we will finish up and I will give you a massage.”

Something else he would far prefer with Mark, Sebastian reflected.

 

 

 

Far out in the Buckinghamshire countryside Mark rounded the top of a hill and pulled out his mobile phone to check it. No missed calls, no messages. So that had to mean Seb was fine then. That was good, of course it was. He was worrying unnecessarily. Mark put his phone away and had a drink before setting off down the hill back in the direction of the house.

 

 

 

Mark waved from the car seeing Sebastian hanging around the entrance of the building. He pulled up and stopped right in front to let him climb in.

“Okay?”

Sebastian shoved his training bag onto the rear seat and sat back, turning to face Mark.

“Yeah, just...” Seb puffed a long breath. “Knackered.”

“You're alright though?”

Seb nodded.

“I'm guessing you don't fancy driving part of the way?”

Sebastian gave him a half-smile.

“To be honest Liebling I quite fancy lying out flat on the back seat.”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“That bad?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian saw concern on Mark's face and wanted to alleviate it.

“I'm alright. I'm just tired that's all.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, well you can have a rest when we get home.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Mark set off.

“Everything else okay though?” he checked as they drove along.

“Hm? Oh yeah fine. I've got some diet sheets we'd better look over.”

Mark nodded and glanced over as he negotiated one of the many roundabouts in their path.

“How'd they look?”

Seb shrugged.

“Nothing too exciting. Antti says he wants to build me up.”

Mark nodded. Even he could see that Sebastian needed that.

“Makes him sound like the witch in a fairytale,” noted Sebastian.

Mark chuckled.

“Just as long as he's not planning to put you in the cauldron at the end I think we're fine.”

“Mm dunno, he's definitely planning something,” smiled Sebastian.

 

“Righto, well we can look that stuff over,” agreed Mark more sensibly.

“Yeah. How was your ride?” asked Seb.

“Okay. Would have been better with you there.”

“Yeah for me too. I swear Antti doesn't get any of my jokes.”

Mark sent him a sideways grin.

“That's cos you're German, he's not expecting them.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Oof _Mark_. That hurts!”

Mark continued smiling. He knew far better than to fall for that.

“So mean,” continued Sebastian, pouting slightly, “and after Antti has spent all afternoon being mean to me as well.”

“Has he darling? Do you want me to go back and tell him to pull it in?”

Seb stopped at that.

“Oh no, Mark I'm only joking. He's just doing his job.”

Mark shot him a smile.

“I'm only joking too. I know he's got to push you a bit. Just as long as it's not too much that's all.”

“Oh okay then.”

 

Sebastian settled back and let Mark drive for a while, already looking forward to the promised lie down when they got home, preferably with Mark. After a few minutes he turned to Mark, hiding a smile.

“A German and a Finn walk into a bar. Nothing humorous occurs.”

Mark laughed for a full minute before taking a breath to calm himself.

“You realise you just ruined your own joke by telling that joke.”

Seb smiled happily and shrugged.

“Meh.”

Mark was definitely preferable company, considered Seb. No contest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian woke in the middle of the night. He sat up abruptly and drew in a sharp breath which woke Mark too. Mark fumbled for the bedside light switch and sat up to join him, instantly on high alert.

“You okay?”

“No. Ahh cramp,” complained Sebastian.

“Oh right.”

Mark couldn't help being relieved it was only that but as Sebastian tried to move his leg he was pulled back to the moment by by the pained noises Seb was making.

“Ah, fuck fuck fuck.”

“Bad?”

“Yeah. Ah _damn_.”

“Okay where is it?”

“Calf. Right,” bit Seb, trying to move it and reaching down to attempt to rub the cramping muscle.

“Let me. Hang on.”

Mark pulled the duvet back and bent Sebastian's knee up so he could massage his lower leg while Seb grimaced and continued to make small unhappy noises for another minute or two.

“Any better?” enquired Mark, feeling the tensed muscles slowly begin to relax.

“Yeah. Ah bloody hell.”

Sebastian reached down to rub his calf again now that Mark had let it go. He pushed out a breath and sat back up to turn to Mark.

“Yeah, that's better. Sorry.”

Mark pulled the duvet back over them.

“It's fine.”

“I didn't mean to make a fuss.”

Mark shook his head.

“No problem darling. You okay now?”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

Sebastian stretched his leg back out flat on the bed to feel that it was back to normal.

“Guess it's just my muscles not being used to exercise.”

“Yeah probably. You will tell Antti won't you? You probably need to spend longer on the warm-ups and cool-downs,” he advised.

Seb considered commenting that Antti was the trainer, not Mark, but now wasn't the time and it would have felt pretty ungrateful when Mark had just helped him.

“Sure. Sorry. I'm fine now.”

Mark nodded and switched the light back off so they could settle back down to sleep. Sebastian shuffled in closer to him.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark slid his arm under him and pulled Seb in.

“It's what I'm here for.”

“Not the only thing,” noted Seb, snuggling his cheek down on Mark's chest.

“No,” smiled Mark in the darkness. “I'm pretty good at cooking too.”

Seb smiled as well, let out a breath and hugged his arm around Mark's middle, very glad that he was there for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day Seb finished changing into his gym clothes and went through to find his trainer waiting for him. Antti nodded at him.

“How are you feeling this morning?” he greeted.

“Oh um, yeah okay.”

“Good. You are ready to work today?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian paused, remembering what Mark said.

“Antti I got a pretty bad cramp last night in my leg.”

His trainer nodded.

“Your muscles are having to adapt to being re-used.”

“Yeah, um, so I was thinking maybe I need a bit more time warming up and stuff,” Sebastian explained feeling strangely demanding of his trainer.

“Is it still painful?”

“Hm? Oh no. I can still kind of feel it, but it doesn't hurt.”

“Okay. We'll work on that. I've been looking over how you got on yesterday and now I have an idea where you are, we can make a real start,” explained Antti.

Sebastian looked at him.

“Start?”

“Training. Getting you back in shape. Have you been sticking to the diet?”

“Yes.”

“Good. We will begin then.”

 

Sebastian looked at him for another moment as his trainer's words sank in. Yesterday had felt hard work but that had just been more assessment. They hadn't even _begun_ the real work. Antti saw him pausing.

“Is there a problem?”

“No, I... No it's fine, I'm ready.”

“I hope you are prepared to work hard today. I know it is not easy, but it is not meant to be. You can do this. You just need to believe in yourself. Okay?”

Seb took a deep breath, trying not to be too alarmed at the realisation how tough this was going to be.

 

 

 

By the end of the morning Sebastian was exhausted. He hardly knew how he dragged himself from the showers at the gym to the front entrance. He barely had the energy to speak but he exchanged a few words with the girl on the reception desk just to be polite, then went to slump gratefully into the comfortable chairs in the waiting area, looking through the glass double doors to see if Mark was there yet. He'd wait outside, but it was raining pretty hard out there today. No sign. Seb re-checked his watch; 11.55am. Five minutes until Mark was due to come and pick him up.

There were a couple of newspapers left on the low tables for people to read and he idly flicked through a few, stopping in his actions when he stumbled across a picture of himself and a brief story on his visit to say hello to the guys here at the RedBull base last Friday. Sebastian knew it was a mistake to read his own press but he couldn't help skimming through the article. The piece was largely fluff based on Britta's own press release saving the journalist having to do too much of their own work, but it finished with a comment that the visit seemed to suggest gossip that Sebastian might not return to racing were way off the mark although it noted that the team refused to give any date for his return.

Seb sighed and folded the paper shut. It wasn't too bad even if it was weird to see a picture of himself standing around looking stupid with a bunch of his guys chatting about nothing in particular. The bit that really bothered him was the way the paper repeatedly referred to him as 'the troubled Sebastian Vettel' and mentioned all the difficulties he'd been through this year. Was that all he was? Some tragic case everyone should feel sorry for?

Seb huffed out a breath and tried not to let it get to him, looking out again hoping to see a car pull up with Mark ready to take him home.

“Sebastian?”

Seb looked up. Oh god, that was all he needed. He took a deep breath, fixed on a smile and stood up, offering out his hand to the man crossing the open reception area towards him.

“Helmut. It's good to see you.”

“And you Sebastian, very good. I'm glad you are getting back to work.”

“Um yes, thank you,” agreed Sebastian wondering what on earth he was meant to say here.

“I have been looking over all your reports. I hope that we will have you back in the car very soon.”

“Yes, me too of course. I'm really not sure how long...”

Dr. Marko nodded.

“No I am aware... Yes well we shall see. I am sorry that I did not see you in the hospital. It was my responsibility to keep the team going while Christian stayed in Italy.”

“Of course, no that's fine, of course, yeah,” tripped Seb awkwardly.

It wasn't as if he had particularly wanted to see Helmut anyway. Not that Seb could say that, naturally.

 

The noise of a car pulling up outside reached them and Sebastian instinctively turned to look. He was more relieved than ever to see it was Mark, but didn't feel he could walk out on someone so important.

“Is that for you?” enquired Dr. Marko seeing where he was looking.

“Oh um, yeah. Mark's picking me up,” Seb explained.

“You're not driving yourself?”

Sebastian felt suddenly embarrassed.

“Oh umm, no. I mean I'm starting again. I'm just getting going, practising you see. I haven't been until now. I've not really been doing anything since, well, since, you know...” he trailed off uncomfortably.

Seb knew he was handling this conversation terribly. He felt cornered and horribly discomforted at having to explain things to someone he knew was judging him. Seb hated the thought that he must be turning pink and making himself look even worse as his self-consciousness became apparent.

“I see. Well, it seems your lift is waiting for you,” noted Helmut.

“Mm, yeah.”

Dr. Marko nodded sharply in the direction of the waiting car and Sebastian noted he seemed no more keen on Mark than ever.

“Then you should not keep him waiting. I may perhaps see you next time I am over.”

“Yes I'm sure I’ll be here. I'm coming in every day now. Working on things, you know to get back racing.”

“So I am told. Very good.”

Helmut nodded again and Sebastian felt dismissed.

“Bye then.”

Seb grabbed up his bag and turned to leave. If he'd had the energy Sebastian wasn't sure he wouldn't have run from the building.

 

Dr. Marko walked away frowning to himself. Where had his confident world champion driver gone? He wouldn't put _that_ in one of his cars right now. Christian had better be right and Sebastian's recovery was going to be as exponential as he had suggested it would be.

 

 

Sebastian slotted himself into the passenger seat and breathed out, brushing off the few droplets of rain that had landed on him. Mark looked over.

“Alright?”

Seb nodded feeling relieved to be away from his Dr. Marko and ready to head home. He gave Mark the nearest thing to a smile he could muster and pushed up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you for coming to get me.”

“Course.”

“I do appreciate you running around after me all the time.”

Mark heard unease in Seb's voice. He reached a hand over and placed it at the side of his face, looking in Sebastian's eyes to reassure him.

“It's not a problem darling. I'm happy to.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian let out another long breath finally relaxing and Mark removed his hand.

“Sure you're okay?”

“Mm, yeah, you know...”

“Tired?”

“Mm, be glad to get home.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, have a rest, get some lunch.”

“Yeah.”

“Let's get going then.”

Mark put the car in gear and pulled away. He didn't suggest Seb might want to try driving. Post-training sessions clearly weren't the time. Seb looked tired and as they made their way back home Sebastian was quiet. A tougher day than yesterday Mark guessed.

 

 

Once home Sebastian felt a little better but he still felt too tired to do anything other than pet the dogs as he sat at the kitchen table. He let Mark make them some tea and tried not to feel too bad about not offering to help. Seb sipped the tea and listened while Mark told him something about some new development being built on the edge of the village he'd seen whilst out on a run earlier. Seb made the right noises but he simply didn't feel up to properly contributing to the conversation. Mark frowned at him seeing he wasn't really paying attention.

“You sure you're alright?”

Seb gave a half shrug.

“Just tired or are you not feeling too good?” enquired Mark.

Sebastian could feel a headache building. It wasn't too bad but maybe he should take something to stop it getting worse. Perhaps a lie down would help. God he was tired. His limbs felt like lead and it was only the middle of the day.

“Seb?” pressed Mark.

“Yeah I... I'm just tired. It was a lot today.”

“The session with Antti?”

“Yeah.”

Mark wondered what was going on. Yesterday Sebastian had left work in a good mood, joking and chatting away in the car but today he seemed far lower and Mark was sure something wasn't right.

“You were okay yesterday. What is it?”

Sebastian went to shrug again but he knew he owed Mark more explanation than that.

“I think I just realised what I'm really in for,” he admitted. “He went harder today. It was tough. I just feel _so_ unfit.”

“Didn't you tell him it was too much?”

Seb shrugged even though he knew it was avoiding answering.

“Seb?”

Mark looked unhappy with him and Sebastian looked down at the tea in his mug.

“You can't let him push you too hard too soon,” insisted Mark.

“I know but... It's his job. He knows what he's doing.”

 

Mark sighed. He should have known this was coming. Antti was single-minded as all trainers had to be but Mark wasn't at all sure he understood where Seb was coming from in all this.

“Seb sweetheart you have to say. You have to tell him. I'm not sure he really knows what you've been through.”

Sebastian looked back up at Mark.

“I have to push. I want to get fit again.”

“I know, but not too much too soon. You've only just got started, you shouldn't be coming home totally destroyed.”

“I'm not even doing that much. It's nothing compared to what we'd normally do.”

Mark shook his head.

“Well things aren't normal right now.”

“I _know_ that,” countered Sebastian in an annoyed tone.

He didn't need telling how far he was from normal. Sebastian huffed a breath trying to remind himself that Mark was just trying to look out for him.

“I don't want to fight about this,” tried Seb, attempting to calm things down.

Mark looked surprised. This seemed to have escalated fast. All he was trying to do was help Seb stand up for himself. Mark didn't like the idea of Antti pushing him around.

“Neither do I,” he agreed.

 

There was a long pause as both of them wondered how this had blown up seemingly out of the blue.

“Antti's just doing his job. He didn't go too far. It just hurt a bit that's all,” explained Sebastian trying to help Mark understand how things were.

Mark didn't like the sound of that at all.

“It hurt?” he frowned.

“No, not... Just my muscles. They're just underused. I'll be okay. He says I have to push past that now and then it'll be easier. I just have to do what he says and I'll get better.”

That sounded even worse to Mark's ears. He couldn't help it, the idea of a Finnish trainer telling Seb what to do, hurting him and Seb letting him do that to him. It turned Mark's stomach.

Mark reached over a hand to place on Seb's arm.

“You have to take care of yourself sweetheart. You know your own body. If it doesn't feel right, if it feels too much, you have to say so. He should be listening to you.”

“Well he's the professional.”

“Yeah but...”

“He just wants me to get fit again as soon as possible.”

“You can't rush this.”

Sebastian furrowed his brow. Why was Mark being so negative?

“You want me to get better as fast as I can don't you?”

“Of course I do,” insisted Mark.

“So I have to do it. Even if it's hard, even if it hurts. I have to push.”

“I don't want it to hurt you.”

The word cut into Mark, as if it physically hurt him too.

Sebastian heard the disquiet in Mark's voice and knew he was expressing this all wrong. He couldn't get his words right. His brain was too tired.

“I don't mean like that. I mean, I don't know, not _hurt_ hurt, just burn you know? My muscles are there but they're... I can't think of the word he used... Dormant. Like asleep.”

“Right.”

“He's just doing his job Mark.”

“I don't want him to make you overdo things.”

“Mark, I'm tired. I don't want to argue.”

Mark opened his mouth to counter that, but Seb _did_ sound tired.

“I don't want to either. I just... I don't want to have to worry about you.”

“You don't have to.”

There was a silence then Sebastian made a decision and pushed his chair back to get up, Mark's hand falling away from where it had rested on his arm.

“Seb?”

“I need to lie down for a bit.”

“Are you not feeling well?”

Sebastian sighed.

“I'm just tired. I'm going upstairs.”

“Right. Okay.”

Sebastian walked away knowing he was running away from the discussion but he really was tired and he knew if they carried on like this he would only get more worked up and end up in tears. He was sick of that, sick of crying, sick of losing control of his emotions. He was too tired to stop it, so he just had to do the only thing he could and walk away to recover himself.

 

Sebastian walked out and Mark was left sat there wondering what was going on and how he was getting this so wrong. He couldn't help feeling upset that Seb had rejected his attempts to help. Why were they arguing when all he was doing was trying to protect Seb? Mark didn't think Antti really properly understood how seriously ill Seb had been. He hadn't seen him in the hospital. He hadn't been there when Sebastian could hardly walk and the concussion left him so sick he couldn't even nod his head. Antti hadn't seen Seb in a coma, hadn't sat with him night after night filled with fears. He hadn't held him when Sebastian was hit by panic so bad he could barely breathe. Antti had no idea what Seb had been through. Mark swallowed and pushed away the sudden urge to cry. He wanted to rush upstairs but Seb had left him. Maybe he wanted to be on his own for a while? Mark drank his tea, dark experiences and worries swirling inside his head.

 

 

Mark only lasted five minutes stroking the dogs trying to distract himself from going after Seb before abandoning his resolve along with his mug of tea and following Sebastian upstairs to find him lying flat out on their bed. Seb had his eyes closed and Mark wondered for a moment if he had taken his painkillers and fallen asleep. He sat on the edge of the bed looking over him.

Sebastian felt the bed dip and opened his eyes.

“Hey, sorry. Are you okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian pushed himself to sit up.

“I've just got a bit of a headache.”

Mark nodded sympathetically.

“Have you taken something?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Do you want me to leave you in peace?”

Sebastian looked at him. Mark sounded unhappy and hated knowing he had to be the cause.

“No it's okay.”

“Are you mad at me?”

Seb shook his head slightly.

“No. I'm really just tired and my head's a bit, you know.”

“I'm sorry we argued. I didn't mean to make you feel worse.”

“You didn't. I'm really just tired Mark. It was a long morning.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark wanted to saying something about it being too much for Seb but he knew that would only lead them down the circular route they had taken before.

“I'm sorry if I'm interfering. I know you're the one who has to do this. It's your call. I just... I worry.”

Sebastian sighed and shuffled up closer to him.

“I know.”

“It's only because I care.”

“I know Liebling. I know it's hard for you.”

“I just want to protect you. I know I can't wrap you up in cotton wool and keep you home forever. I wouldn't want that. It's just hard to let go I guess.”

Seb looked into Mark's eyes, so warm and kind and full of concern. He reached up and stroked the side of his face.

“Oh _Mark_. Liebling. Don't be worrying about me. I'm really okay. I'm just tired. I'm going to get tired training and then I'm going to get better at it. It's the only way.”

 

Mark let out a long sigh.

“Yeah okay.”

“He's not pushing _too_ hard and I do say when it's too much. I told him I got cramp and we needed to do longer warm-ups.”

“Okay and you did that?”

“Of course we did. He does listen to me.”

“Yeah alright. Sorry.”

“I've been explaining it all wrong. He is helping and it does feel better to be doing it. I guess when I come home to you I just moan a bit.”

Mark finally smiled.

“Well you're allowed to moan. You can always tell me how you're really feeling.”

Sebastian moved to slip his arms around Mark's neck and pulled up close to press into him.

“Thank you and of course I'm glad that you care. I couldn't do this if I didn't have you to support me.”

Mark fitted his arms around Seb and gave him a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. He just had to trust Seb to stand up for himself. He could do that couldn't he? He had to believe in him.

 

Sebastian looked up at Mark.

“Maybe you should just come training with me?”

Mark laughed, “I think that would be a very bad idea.”

Two minutes of having to watch Antti pushing Seb when he was struggling and Mark knew he would be incapable of restraining himself from introducing Seb's trainer to the wall.

“It's okay. You're right, he does need to push you.”

“He does. It's hard, but when Antti says I can do it, a part of me does believe him and it makes me try harder. That's what I've got to do.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. Alright. I know you can do it too.”

Sebastian smiled. It felt good to hear Mark say that. He continued to press into him, dropping his head sideways against Mark's shoulder.

“It's even better when you say it,” Seb confirmed.

Mark smiled, continuing to hold him in tight as Seb let out a long sigh.

“Do you want to lie down for a bit?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded and pulled them to lie down on top of the bed covers.

 

Seb was drifting before he knew it and although he only meant to rest for a few minutes, once he closed his eyes it was almost a full hour before he opened them again.

“Hey,” greeted Mark seeing him wake up.

Sebastian took in a deep breath and huffed it out, turning further to look at him.

“Hey.”

“Feeling better?”

Sebastian thought for a moment to assess how he felt.

“Yeah m'alright thanks.”

Sebastian sat up and was hit with a sudden head-rush.

“Oh.”

“Seb?”

Mark rapidly sat up to join him, putting both hands on Sebastian's arms and turning in to check he was okay.

“Seb?”

“Yeah, yeah sorry. Dizzy. Just...”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment to let the swirling in his head stop.

“I'm alright. I just sat up too fast.”

Mark moved his head closer to look in Seb's eyes.

“I'm really okay.”

 

Mark simply nodded and passed Seb some water. Part of him wanted to note that Antti didn't see any of this; the results of his pushing and what Sebastian was really dealing with. He didn't though. It did no good and maybe he just had to stop bringing things down and try to find more ways to help Seb instead.

He took the water back when Sebastian had taken a drink and put it down on the side.

“So, um, do you want some lunch?”

“Yeah, I think I'm actually hungry.”

Sebastian didn't think he'd been properly hungry in weeks. He'd eaten because that was what you did and because other people wanted him to. He gave Mark a smile.

“Guess that'll make Antti happy.”

Mark bit back the retort that he wasn't particularly interested in making Antti happy. He was glad to know Seb had worked up an appetite though, so he focussed on that.

“Well we'll see what delights he has listed on his diet plan then shall we?”

“Guess so.”

 

They went downstairs and Mark did his best to interpret Antti's instructions to come up with meal for both of them.

“So I was thinking,” started Mark, not adding that this had been when he'd had plenty of time to do so whilst Seb had a nap and he had been trying to distract himself from going insane fretting about him and conversely feeling guilty for not having more faith in Seb.

“Hm?”

Sebastian looked up from his food.

“Unless you want to do anything else, do you fancy doing a bit of digging on the internet and seeing if we can come up with some people to come and look at the place, see if we can kick off some planning for building the pool? At least find out if it's possible.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian nodded.

“That'd be good.”

“Great.”

“Yeah. I'd far rather be doing more of my training here.”

“Mm.”

Mark wasn't sure he'd be too keen on having Antti here, but getting a gym and pool built really would make their lives a lot easier. Sooner the better.

“Well I suspect it'll be a slow process but we've to to start somewhere,” noted Mark.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow and Mark realised how his comment applied more generally. No quick fixes, no magic wands, no easy tasks for them. Pretty much in anything it seemed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat with Dr. Menton on the Thursday afternoon. They'd been talking for a little while about how Seb had been feeling through the week.

“Well of course it's a challenge Seb. You knew that going in,” noted Henry.

“Mm, just, I don't know... I guess it's the reality of it.”

“Of course, still, you can feel good that you're facing that challenge can't you?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“And is it helping you feel less anxious now that you're taking a more active part of your recovery?”

“Hm, yeah I suppose. I still worry about things but it's not as bad. It is good to know I've faced up to a few things, but it's not been the easiest of weeks. I've been kinda up and down,” Seb explained.

“You've not given up though,” noted Dr. Menton. “You've ploughed on even when it's got hard. I think you should be very proud of yourself.”

That was a nice way of looking at it, Seb supposed.

“Yeah. I guess I know more what I'm in for now. I think maybe up until Tuesday I was just on a bit of a high cos I'd at least made a start after I'd been worrying about it, then once that wore off it was kind of tougher.”

Henry nodded.

“Plus you said it _was_ actually tougher, your training that is?”

“Mm.”

“So of course that was hard and if you are physically tired then you are far more vulnerable to feeling emotional.”

“Yeah I suppose. I just feel bad that I nearly had a row with Mark over it when all he's trying to do is look out for me.”

“You resolved it though?”

“Mm.”

“You feel as though you didn't?” queried Dr. Menton.

Sebastian sighed.

“No we did talk, it's just I know he's still worrying.”

“Yes well I'm afraid that may be unavoidable for Mark. He cares about you and I'm sure he's been through a lot following your accident. He's going to worry if he sees you having a tough time.”

“Yeah I suppose. I guess it'd be far worse if he didn't care.”

Henry couldn't repress a slight laugh.

“Well yes Seb, I think that's fair to say.”

 

They both sipped their drinks for a minute before Henry spoke up again.

“Did you tell Mark that you'd seen the story about you in the paper?”

Sebastian shrugged uncomfortably.

“It wasn't really anything. It was just a PR piece.”

“Yes but you said it bothered you.”

“It was just the way they referred to me like I was this tragic case.”

“Why didn't you mention that to Mark?”

“I'm just being over-sensitive. It wasn't really anything.”

“Well if it bothered you then it _was_ something.”

Sebastian didn't reply so Henry continued.

“Did you tell him that your boss had spoken to you?”

“He's not really my boss, well sort of is, it's a bit complicated.”

“Okay fine, but he's an authority figure?”

“Yeah you could say that.”

“And he upset you?”

Another shrug.

“I don't know, I just felt uncomfortable. He's one of those people that's always judging you and I can only imagine what he must of thought of me looking so knackered after training. You should have seen his face when he heard Mark was having to pick me up,” explained Seb.

“He disapproves?”

“I don't think the fact I can barely drive a road car is going to impress him with the idea I can get in and drive an F1 car any time soon.”

“Well that sounds rather harsh in the circumstances.”

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“You've not met Helmut. I think Harsh is his middle name. It's his job to assess drivers and decide what happens with their career. You don't want him to get a bad impression of you. Helmut has binned more drivers from the RedBull programme than I can count.”

Henry frowned.

“Young drivers?”

“Yes.”

“So he was influential on your career as you came up through that programme?”

“Yeah.”

Dr. Menton nodded understanding, thinking how many years such a person must have held sway over Sebastian.

“I see, well he sounds important, but I think I'm on solid ground when I suggest those drivers that he expelled from RedBull weren't four-time world champions?”

Sebastian managed a half-smile.

“I guess you're right there.”

“So he knows your worth and I'm sure that he understands that you're only just beginning your recovery from your accident. I would expect that everyone within the team feels a great deal of responsibility towards you rather than trying to find fault.”

Seb gave his therapist a dubious look.

“I don't think Dr. Marko is the sentimental type.”

“Even so?”

“Yeah I guess. Maybe I'm just being paranoid?”

Henry shook his head.

“No Seb. Look, I can see that bumping into someone so influential when you weren't feeling on top form was difficult for you, especially as you weren't expecting it and therefore had no time to prepare yourself mentally to face him. I suspect you felt a little exposed already by how your training sessions revealed how much work you have to do to regain your usual level of fitness, then the newspaper was negative about you, so you were already on the back foot.”

“Yeah. I just... I can't help worrying what he thought of me.”

“Well it's understandable that you wouldnt want to show any weakness to someone like that. What did he actually say?” asked Henry.

“Hm, nothing bad, just being polite really, saying it was good to see me back, that sort of thing.”

“So what's wrong with that?”

“Nothing I guess. Like I say, maybe I'm just being paranoid?”

“I wouldn't put it that way. I'd just say it was an uncomfortable experience and cumulatively you had a bad morning. It's hardly a surprise that after that you weren't in the best of moods.”

“Yeah but Mark and I nearly had a row which is so stupid when I know he only wants the best for me.”

“You were tired and upset. I think it's entirely understandable, however I think you might have had a greater chance of avoiding it if you'd explained more of what happened to Mark.”

 

Sebastian let out a long breath.

“Yeah I suppose you're right. It's just Mark gets so annoyed with the papers and he and Dr. Marko, well they've never exactly got on.”

“And so you didn't want him to get upset?”

“Yeah.”

“But because he didn't know why you were feeling the way you were he ended up worrying more about how you were behaving and blamed it on the training session?”

Sebastian stopped and thought. Now that Henry spelt it out it seemed obvious.

“Oh. Yeah I suppose so. I hadn't thought about it like that. I think I just made it worse.”

Henry shook his head.

“I'm not assigning blame Seb, I'm just trying to see what happened so you can find a way to avoid this in future. Now of course Mark is going to worry about you and I'm afraid no matter which way you cut it your recovery is going to hard for you but if we can find a way to navigate it so that we avoid as many additional problems as possible then I'd suggest that would be a good idea.”

“Yeah me too.”

“Good. So what would you think would have helped there?”

Sebastian knew Henry was leading him.

“I should have told Mark the full story.”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“It's understandable why you didn't, but the more honest you are with Mark the more he will appreciate what you are experiencing. I think all you can do is keep talking to him so he understands and then hopefully you'll get through it together.”

Seb nodded slowly.

“Do you think he'll be annoyed if I tell him now?”

Dr. Menton shook his head.

“That doesn't sound like the Mark you tell me about.”

Sebastian thought on that.

“No. Of course you're right. I'll talk to him.”

“Good. Okay, so what else would you like to talk about?”

 

Seb pushed out a long breath.

“How are you handling things more generally?”

Seb shrugged.

“What about the things we discussed last week? About the darker aspects of your past coming back to you?”

“I've been trying to not think about that. I mean it's not like it goes away, but... if I keep busy it's not so bad.”

“Do you want to talk about it some more?”

Sebastian paused and Dr. Menton let the silence hang for a few moments while he decided.

“I don't know. Maybe you'll say I'm just ignoring it but if I think about it I just...”

Sebastian felt a weight on his chest even touching on this issue.

“...I just don't want to think too much about it. I know that doesn't make it disappear but when I do I just feel... sad.”

Dr. Menton nodded. The emotion was clear in the way Seb's voice had fallen quieter and the way he started paying more attention to his drink and avoiding eye-contact.

“Yes, of course. It's understandable if you'd rather not think about it. If you are able to focus on more positive areas or at least those which are more directly related to how your life is now then that in itself is a good thing. It means you are managing your thoughts and emotions.”

“You don't think I'm just sticking my head in the sand?” questioned Seb.

Henry looked to catch his eye and make sure he kept his attention.

“You're acknowledging that it happened but it is a part of your past not your present. I'd say that was healthy.”

Sebastian raised his head more.

“Yeah?”

“Yes Seb. It sounds as though you've had a busy week. Aside from that naturally distracting you from brooding on the past it also means that you have been working towards your future. That's definitely positive.”

“Right, yeah. In a weird way when I think back now it's more and more removed, you know from how my life is now.”

“Well that's good.”

“Yeah.”

“You've not had any more flashbacks?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. I think that was more about my head trying to unravel the confusion in my head. It's not confused anymore. I know my past was shitty and...”

He let out a long sigh, struggling to express himself.

“...just _bad_ , but thinking about it only makes me unhappy so I don't want to. It's the past. I don't want it to be a part of my life now.”

Henry nodded.

“Yes of course. I think it's good if you can accept that. The past is the past. Concentrate on now. I think you've got enough to deal with in the present.”

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“Yeah you could say that.”

“Okay well maybe it's not such a bad thing that you've got so much to keep you busy with your work.”

Sebastian nodded, feeling a little better to know that it wasn't a matter of denial to want to not think about the past that always seemed to try to drag him down.

 

Seeing Seb would clearly prefer to discuss matters in the here and now, Henry brought things back around.

“It sounds like you have been busy with your training and work. How have you been keeping busy away from there?”

“Oh well just the usual stuff around the house and getting out for longer walks with the dogs.”

Henry nodded encouragingly.

“And we've been spending some time trying to make plans for building an extension to the house so we can build a pool and a gym there.”

“Wow, very impressive,” smiled Henry, glad to hear Sebastian sound more upbeat.

“I know it sounds flash, but it's just to be practical really.”

“I'm sure with your profession that makes sense. You had a pool at your old place didn't you?”

“Yeah.”

“You used to say swimming helped you feel peaceful.”

Seb nodded. It seemed a long time ago.

“Yeah I miss it I guess. We've only just made enquiries but we've got a couple of people coming out tomorrow afternoon to take a look.”

“Well that sounds good.”

“I've no idea how long these things take.”

“No but just to make a start sounds very positive.”

“Yeah I suppose so. It was Mark's idea, well actually it was mine originally, but Mark brought it up again and suggested we get going with it now seeing as we're home.”

“Sounds like a good plan. Okay well that's great. It's good to be looking to the future with regard to something that isn't entirely about your racing.”

“Mm, yeah.”

“Speaking of which you said that both you and Mark are missing races this weekend again. How do you feel about that?”

Sebastian paused.

“I don't know. I guess I've got used to the idea. It's been a bit weird around the factory today and yesterday.”

“How so?”

“It's really quiet, you know with all the race guys gone. I mean there's still plenty of people around but you can definitely feel it.”

“So it just feels odd?”

“Yeah it's just a slightly strange feeling to be confronted with it. Up until now I've pretty much cut myself off from all that and not really thought about it much. I know I'm not ready to race. It's more about Mark really. He's staying home for me when he should be racing. He says it's fine and his boss has cleared things so he won't be in trouble for missing it but I still feel bad about that.”

“Because he's giving something up for you?”

“Yeah. I mean I've told him I'd do the same for him.”

“If your positions were reversed?”

“Exactly.”

“And what does he say about it?”

“He says he knows that.”

“So where's the problem?”

Sebastian shrugged again and sighed.

“Just that it has to happen I guess.”

“Yes I see. Well you're doing what you can to move forward. It's good that you can accept you're not quite ready to go back racing yet. I think you might also have to accept that Mark maybe isn't ready to go back yet either.”

“Mm, yeah he did say it was too hard last time when he had to come home.”

“So he's not just doing it for you, it's for both of you.”

“Yeah okay,” Sebastian accepted, knowing that it was better to think of Mark doing this for his own good not just Seb.

 

Dr. Menton subtly checked the time. He didn't want to rush Sebastian but he did have another appointment to fit in before the end of the day.

“Is there anything more you'd like to discuss?”

“Um I don't know, I think it's all tied in together really.”

Henry nodded.

“Of course. How have you been sleeping?”

“Better mostly. I think I'm so tired it kindof knocks me out.”

Henry smiled.

“So that's at least one good consequence of all your efforts.”

“Yeah I guess so. I mean I woke up with cramp on Monday night but apart from that.”

Henry looked at Seb and frowned a little.

“Monday night?”

“Mm. Well technically it might have been Tuesday by then.”

“So that was the night before you had that difficult morning?”

“Yeah.”

“So you were probably already more tired if you'd had a broken night.”

“Oh. Yeah I suppose so. I hadn't thought about that.”

Henry raised an eyebrow.

“Mm well perhaps you could cut yourself a little slack there Seb. Its sounds as though just about everything conspired against you on that day. I think the best thing would be to have a proper chat to Mark about it so he understands all that was going on, then see if you can't accept it was simply a bad day and put it behind you.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Everybody has bad days Seb. You've got far more reason than most. You didn't let it stop you did it?”

“No.”

“Because that's not you is it?”

“Guess not.”

Henry smiled warmly.

“There's a lot more of the recovered you closer to the surface than I think you realise.”

 

That did feel good to hear. Sebastian wondered if this tired anxious version of him could really be just hiding the better version underneath. It was a nice idea.

“I hope so.”

“I'm sure of it Seb. And although I'm aware it's not been the easiest of weeks has it at least felt a little better to have taken a little more control of your recovery like we said?”

“Yeah I guess. I don't feel totally in control of it but yeah at least to make a start is good.”

“One step at a time Seb, making a start is good. Starting can be the hardest part and you've done that bit. I think you've got a lot to feel positive about.”

Sebastian thought about that and knew that although he knew he had a hard task to deal with it was at least less frightening than sitting at home worrying about it.

“Yeah okay.”

“Okay well I think that's a good note to round off today. I'll see you next week?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Unless there's anything important we've not covered?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No that's okay thanks.”

He glanced at his watch, surprised as he always was how time flew when he was here.

“Yeah I should get going, Mark's...”

 _Waiting for me,_ completed Henry in his head.

“Outside waiting for me,” continued Sebastian.

Henry hid a smile.

“Of course. Well I'll see you next week.”

“Sure. Thanks Henry.”

 

Sebastian got up, shook hands and left feeling a little better. He'd talk to Mark. It'd be okay. They were in this together. That was how it had to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seb pulled the door shut as he climbed into the car just a little after twelve on the Friday. He leaned over and gave Mark a quick kiss on the cheek as a thank you without having to actually say thank you as Mark kept reminding him he didn't need to. Mark set off home, glancing sideways as they exited the factory car-park.

“How'd it go today?”

“Yeah not too bad. I think it is getting a bit easier, although Antti keeps stepping things up every time.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah well that's a good sign isn't it?”

“Yeah I guess so.”

They sat quietly for a moment, both thinking over their discussion from yesterday when Sebastian had explained more of what had happened the other day and apologised for not being totally open with Mark and Mark in turn had reiterated his vows to support Seb in his recovery and yet try to keep a step back to allow him to manage it for himself.

Sebastian let out a long puff of breath as he relaxed.

“So you're still knackered then?” guessed Mark.

Sebastian turned his head and gave a little nod. No denying it, he was tired after today's training session.

“At least I lasted longer today and I must be doing something right cos I actually made Antti laugh at oone point.”

Mark smiled.

“He must be pleased with you. Good. Well you can have a rest while I make lunch if you like?”

“Yeah think I will.”

“Still okay to have those architect people over later?” Mark checked.

“Mm, course. They're not coming till three right?”

“Yeah.”

Seb shrugged.

“Sure I'll be alright by then,” he assured.

Mark smiled and nodded. As they headed along a straight run on the A-road he rested his left hand on Seb's knee and gave it a little rub.

“You've done great this week Seb,” praised Mark.

Sebastian simply smiled back. It had been a tough week for both of them really, but just like Henry had said yesterday, there was enough positive in there to feel good about it.

 

 

They finished lunch and Sebastian stood by Mark about to help do the washing up, Mark knowing better by now than to tell Seb he didn't need the help once he had volunteered to do so. Mark was just running the hot water when Seb's mobile phone rang where it sat on the table. Sebastian picked it up and looked at the name calling. He turned to Mark and pulled a less than thrilled face.

“Dietrich.”

“Ah.”

“I'm just gonna...”

Seb indicated with his head to let Mark know that he was going to step into another room to take the call. Mark nodded and let him go.

 

A few minutes later Sebastian returned to the room. Mark had spent the intervening time distracting himself by completing the small domestic tasks in front off him.

“All alright?” asked Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah think so.”

“You think so?”

“Mm, yeah... No it's fine.”

“What did he say?”

Seb shrugged.

“Just you know, glad to hear how I was getting on.”

“Okay, well that's good isn't it?”

“Yeah.”

“And last time he called he promised you the team backs you however long it takes, right?” recalled Mark.

“Yeah of course. No that's good. It's just every time I talk to him or Helmut I feel more pressure.”

Mark nodded and stepped in a little closer to put his hand on Seb's arm as he looked at him, trying to see how he was feeling.

 

“I know it's just being silly,” admitted Seb quietly.

“No mate, don't say that.”

Mark pulled Seb in for a hug and held on to him for a little while before letting go and dipping his head to look Sebastian firmly in the eye.

“Come on, you were feeling better. Don't let it get you down. I'm sure he didn't mean it to have that affect on you.”

“No I know.”

Mark gave Seb's arm a rub.

“Let's have a sit down. I boiled the kettle, do you want tea?”

“Hmm, coffee I think. Wake me up a bit.”

Mark nodded and made them some drinks before joining Sebastian to sit at the kitchen table.

 

“I know he was only trying to be encouraging,” accepted Seb.

“Well he's a decent guy. I got lots of messages from him while you were in the hospital.”

“Yeah I know. I just can't help it. When I speak to them I feel more anxious.”

Mark nodded and took Seb's hand in his to lie on top of the table.

“Look I get that. Cos they're the bosses and you're used to having to meet their expectations and all that, but one good thing about Dietrich and heaven help me, even Helmut, is that they're straight down the line guys. If they're not happy they'll say. So when Dietrich says you have his backing, you know that's true as well.”

Sebastian puffed out a breath and considered that.

“Yeah. I guess neither of them have said anything other than they're glad I'm doing better.”

“And so they should be. They do have a responsibility towards you you know?”

Seb knew what Mark meant by that but he didn't want to think too much about the fact it had been their car when he had crashed. He wasn't interested in blame.

“RedBull have a duty to get you back where you should be. I'm sure they understand that,” continued Mark.

Sebastian sighed.

“I just don't want to think of it like that.”

“No, alright, but try not to think of the pressure being on you. The whole team wants you to get better and be back where you belong racing again.”

“Yeah I suppose. I guess it's just being reminded that I'm being assessed all the time and it's being fed back.”

Mark nodded slowly.

“I know, but that is their job.”

“Mm.”

“Far worse if they weren't interested in how you were doing,” Mark noted.

Sebastian finally smiled.

“Guess that's right.”

“And Christian's alright isn't he. He's definitely on your side.”

“Yeah I know.”

“And you said even Helmut wasn't being a total arse for once.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“For once,” he agreed.

“Wonders will never cease,” smiled Mark. “And Dietrich, he's a businessman but he's not inhuman. He's supported us through thick and thin this year.”

“Yeah I know and I do appreciate it.”

“I know you do sweetheart, I'm just saying I don't think you need to worry about him.”

Seb nodded.

“I'm not saying you're silly for feeling how you feel, I'm just... I don't know, I'm just saying it's good to remember that he's on our side, your side,” continued Mark.

“I know. Yeah you're right. He was only being nice I guess.”

“He didn't mention anything else? Asking anything about when you'd be back?” pressed Mark, wondering if that was what had bothered Seb.

Seb shook his head.

“No. Just... he did mention that he might be in the factory next week after they've done the race debrief.”

“Ah I see, so is that what's bothering you?”

Seb shrugged again.

“Maybe. I just wonder what he'll think when he sees me.”

“He'll see what I see sweetheart, he'll see you working really hard to get better.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You're looking so much better already darling. There's definitely more colour in your cheeks than there was a week ago. I'm sure Dr. Roberts is going to be impressed when she sees you on Monday.”

Sebastian looked into Mark's lovely warm eyes and did feel better. He knew Mark wasn't an impartial judge but he wouldn't lie just to improve his mood.

 

“Okay. Thank you.”

“I know it's impossible not to feel like the bosses are making judgements on you, but the team is on your side, all of them, even Helmut. They all want you back in the car.”

Seb shot Mark a raised eyebrow and felt enough confidence to tease him.

“Even Helmut.”

“Much as it pains me, yes even Helmut. And you know when I broke my leg Dietrich was really good about supporting me.”

“You never talk about that,” noted Sebastian.

“Hm?”

“Your accident. You never really mention it.”

Mark shrugged.

“Long time ago,” he dismissed.

“But it must have been really hard for you.”

“Yeah it was I guess, but it was different to this, different to what you're having to do. It was just a physical thing. I just had to stick to a rehabilitation programme and work hard on rebuilding the strength in my leg.”

“Yeah but it's never just physical is it?”

Mark paused.

“I suppose not.”

“Cos you had to fight hard to do that.”

“Well...”

“And you did it in a pretty short space of time.”

“I knew I had a really great opportunity. RedBull were on the up and up and I didn't want to lose my chance.”

 

Sebastian thought back to that period of time. He'd been so excited about his move up to the big team he hadn't given Mark a huge amount of thought but he had been aware that Mark had been injured and was fighting a battle against time to be fit enough in time to go racing.

“I wish we'd been better friends back then and I could have supported you more. It must have been tough.”

Mark smiled, thinking how different things were between them then.

“I could have used that support I think. Yeah it was tough but I just had to do it.”

“Aussie grit.”

Mark smiled wider and raised his spare hand to rest it at the side of Seb's cheek so he could stroke it softly with his thumb as they looked at one another.

“Just think, if I'd not managed it, you and I might never have been team-mates.”

“All this might never have happened,” added Sebastian.

“Doesn't bear thinking about.”

Sebastian leaned in to kiss Mark, on the lips first, but then deepening it as Mark responded, sliding his hand to rest gently on the back on Sebastian's head to hold him in place and they lost themselves to it for a few moments knowing that no matter how bad things got, the most important thing was that they were together. Eventually Seb pulled back and let out a long sigh.

“Feel better?” asked Mark with a smile.

Seb laughed a little.

“Well that always makes me feel better.”

“I should hope so.”

 

Sebastian took a sip of his cooling coffee.

“Did it help to know that you had to try to get fit in time to go testing and be ready for the start of the season?” he asked.

“Mm, maybe. It did add pressure, but I suppose it did help in a way too. It gave me something to focus on and when it got tough I could remember why I was doing it.”

Seb nodded and took another drink as he mulled over things.

“Mark, I've been thinking and well, you know I want to get back to racing as soon as I can.”

“Yes?” allowed Mark cautiously.

“I've looked at the calendar and I want to try to be ready to go to America.”

Mark opened his mouth then closed it again.

“That's the end of the month,” noted Mark, disquiet clear in his voice.

“Yeah I know.”

“Oh sweetheart, I know you need a goal, but surely that's too soon?”

Sebastian frowned a little.

“Antti says I'm doing really good.”

“Well that's great but...”

“Don't you think I can do it?”

Mark sighed.

“Of course I do.”

“So?”

“I just...”

Mark stopped, not knowing how to express his concerns without putting Seb down and failing to support him.

 

“I know it seems soon, but like you said if I have a goal to focus on, it'll help me to push harder,” asserted Sebastian.

Mark pressed his lips together contemplating things before he spoke.

“Have you mentioned this to anyone yet?”

“No but I was thinking of talking to Christian next week.”

“Right.”

Sebastian looked up appealingly at him.

“You do support me don't you?”

“Ah Seb of course I do. I just don't want you to get ahead of yourself. You're still coming home tired and there's so much else you need to work on.”

“I know. I do understand it'd be a really big ask, but I want to start doing more. I want to work on the other side of things, not just my fitness.”

“You're still getting headaches.”

“Not as bad as they used to be.”

“Yeah okay but... that's a heck of a steep development curve. You've just said you didn't like Dietrich and co making you feel pressured and now you want to add pressure to yourself.”

Sebastian let out a heavy sigh.

“I know, but... This would be my choice, _my_ goal.”

“Right.”

“And I do want to go back to racing.”

“Of course you do. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't. I'm just...”

Mark rubbed his face with his hands unable to express himself.

“I know you worry,” allowed Seb.

“Yeah.”

Seb reached out and took Mark's hand as he looked at him.

“I know it must be a scary idea for you. Me going back racing.”

Mark gave a tip of his head to the side unable to deny any of this.

“It is, but it's not that. I know you're going to go racing again. I know I'm going to have to deal with that.”

Mark puffed a slow breath.

“Maybe I'm being selfish and I really would just like to keep you home and safe forever?”

Seb shook his head.

“No Liebling, you could never be like that.”

Mark huffed a dry little laugh.

“I think a part of me _would_ like that,” he admitted.

“Yeah but not really?”

Sebastian looked at him challengingly and Mark looked back. Maybe a part did want that, but a bigger part wanted Seb back doing what he did best. Above all things he wanted Seb to be happy and discouraging him certainly wasn't going to help.

“No, not really. I know you need to go back. You're a racer, it's who you are.”

“I know it would be hard on both of us but I want a clear goal to work towards,” explained Seb.

Mark nodded cautiously.

“I wouldn't do it unless everyone said I was ready, you know, the doctors and the team and stuff,” mitigated Seb seeing his concern.

Mark let out an unexpected laugh.

“Well you _can't_ race unless they say you're ready. You know you'd have a bunch of tests to pass to prove you're fit before they give you the all-clear.”

“Yeah okay, but if I did?”

“Then I would never stand in your way darling.”

“I know you wouldn't.”

“Okay.”

Mark released a long breath reconciling himself to the idea.

 

“I know it seems too soon, but just as a goal. If I'm not ready, I'm not ready,” allowed Seb.

“Hmm, okay. I just don't like to think you making things tougher for yourself.”

Sebastian gave him a half smile.

“I think it's going to be tough either way. I want to get back before the end of the season. I don't want to have the whole winter break worrying about it. I think that would make it harder. It'd be such a long time off and I know I'd worry more about whether I could really go back at all.”

Mark couldn't help thinking that maybe going back when Seb had testing to at least ease him into driving in F1 again might not be a good thing, but he understood Seb's point.

“I just don't want you to force yourself.”

“I won't.”

“Okay, well as long as you feel it's what you need, as long as you think it's right... It's your decision.”

“I just feel that the longer I leave it, the harder it'll actually be to get back into it all. I need to get back racing.”

“Of course you'll get back.”

“I don't want to be some tragic case in the history books; all early success fizzling out and then ending like this.”

“ _Seb._ No darling, it's not going to be that way. You're going to get back racing, you're going to have more successes. You will.”

“Yeah?”

“I'm certain of it.”

“Thank you.”

 

Mark sat back in his chair and gave Seb's hand a squeeze.

“So okay you need a goal, but just as long as you remember that if it has to alter a little bit it wouldn't be the end of the world, you'd still get back racing.”

Mark didn't want to say that he thought the last race of the season might be more realistic.

“I won't be able to do it without your support,” asserted Sebastian.

Mark sat back up.

“You _always_ have my support.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Okay. Right, well...” Mark shrugged, realising he might as well support Seb and hope for the best. “If we can do Austin, great.”

“You think I can do it?”

Mark gave him a smile.

“Well if anyone can.”

Sebastian smiled back feeling as though his whole body was lighter. With Mark's support almost anything seemed possible.

 

“Can we do some more driving this weekend?” requested Sebastian.

“You, you mean?”

“Yeah. I want to get used to it properly. I've got to be able to do that if I'm going to be in the sim, right?”

“Guess so.”

Sebastian had been fine driving when he'd tried it for short spells over the past week but if doing more helped his confidence then Mark would let him do as much as he wanted, even if the idea of Seb starting work in the simulator made him worry. Mark was just going to have to live with the worrying, no way around it.

 

There was a knock at the door and the dogs who had been napping in their baskets suddenly leapt up, barking at the intrusion.

“Shush you daft things,” chided Mark.

They both got up and gave the dogs a stroke as they came over to meet them.

“It's just the people come to look at the house,” explained Sebastian quite as if the dogs could understand him.

 

They let the man and woman from the architect's firm they had contacted in and made fresh coffee while they discussed what they wanted. The visitors listening and making notes while they considered their options, offering suggestions and showing them examples of work they had done previously. Nearly an hour later they were all stood in the garden, pointing out the area and what they had in mind. The two planners began sizing things up, looking at the space available and making measurements while Seb and Mark looked on and answered their questions.

“Okay well I think that's plenty to make a start with,” commented the man.

“We can start looking into planning permission and come up with some more detailed ideas,” the woman added.

“That's great, thanks,” replied Sebastian.

“Yeah, so you'll be in touch and we can see where we go from here right?” asked Mark.

“Absolutely. You've plenty of room and hopefully as an addition to an existing out-building that should help with the authorisation but we'll have to check all that out to be sure.”

“Great.”

“Well we'll be in touch.”

 

They shook hands and showed them round the side of the house to where they had parked on the drive before heading back to look at the spot where they were hoping to build. Sebastian slipped his hand into Mark's as they stood there. It might only be a patch of grass, but it felt like they were looking at their future.

“All looking good then,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. Can't wait.”

Mark squeezed Seb's hand in reply then let go and slipped his arm around Seb to hold him in.

“All forwards from here,” Mark stated confidently.

Sebastian smiled up at him and nodded. Mark smiled back and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

All forwards. They had to plan for the future to make that future happen. As Sebastian looked out at the spot that was to become their new pool and gym, Mark found himself looking instead at Seb. Every day Mark reminded himself that there had been a time he had feared they could have their future stolen away from them. Putting the extension on the house was how they built their future home together. Seb recovering and returning to normal was how they built their future life together.

Seb was right, the sooner they got there the better.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I admit, not the fastest paced of chapters, but I'd consider it transitional part.
> 
>  
> 
> Oh & just as an aside, Lewis is very much in my good books for posting this on instagram: https://instagram.com/p/4ZjTIrL0yU/ #LoveWins


	91. Familiar

 

* * *

 

 

  


Sebastian was just crossing the reception area, hitching his bag up on to his shoulder getting ready to go out to the car when he heard his name and turned to look.

“Seb!”

A lanky figure bounded over towards him, grinning happily.

“Bloody hell, _Seb_. Christ it's good to see you,” greeted Daniel.

Sebastian had to smile, his team-mate almost always had that affect on him, despite their roles opposing one another.

“Hey Dan, good to see you too.”

Daniel shook his head as if disbelieving.

“Bloody hell,” he repeated, “look at you, wow.”

Seb frowned, wondering how he looked after his fairly full-on training session with Antti that morning.

“That bad huh?”

Daniel furrowed his brow.

“Bad? No mate you look good. I mean compared to...”

Daniel's brain caught up with his mouth and he looked guilty.

“Shit sorry, I should shut up. Me and my big gob, it's just good to see you back that's all,” he stumbled.

Sebastian nodded. He knew what Daniel was referring to, he'd not seen him since Monza. A darkly ironic part of his brain thought that as a comparison to being dragged lifeless from his destroyed car, today had to be an improvement.

 

“Thanks.”

“I guess I knew you were around here somewhere. Christian said you were back in training.”

“Yeah. Antti's putting me though my paces. I mean I'm not back at normal levels or anything yet but...”

“Course not, no, but that's good though.”

“Yeah.”

“You got time for a coffee or are you dashing off?” wondered Dan.

“Oh um.”

“It's fine if you're busy. We're just going through the debrief but we've stopped for lunch.”

“Ah of course. Yeah, umm, yeah hang on I'll just let Mark know I'll be a bit late,” excused Seb.

“Is he here?” asked Daniel, automatically looking around for his compatriot.

“Oh no, I've started driving myself now. No it's just he might be making lunch. One minute.”

Sebastian pulled out his phone and sent a text.

 

SEB: Hey so I just bumped into Dan. You don’t mind if I stick around for a quick catch-up do you?

Back in the garage at home Mark stopped cleaning his bike which was filthy from being ridden through muddy puddles all morning and found his phone where it was buzzing on the side to read the message and send a reply.

MARK: Course not. No rush. Say hi from me.

 

Sebastian smiled. Mark was so good about things. It was actually a shame he wasn't picking him up today as no doubt he'd be happy to see Dan too.

“Alright then?” checked Daniel.

Seb looked up from his phone.

“Hm? Oh yeah sure. He says hi.”

“Hi Mark,” said Daniel, waving at the phone as if he could see him through it.

Sebastian smiled at how goofy Dan could be and sent a reply.

SEB: Dan is currently waving at the phone like a lunatic to say hi back. Be extra half an hour or so. X

 

In the dim light of the garage Mark chuckled and shook his head. It was impossible not to like Dan and he hoped bumping into him would mean Seb would come home in a good mood. An extra half hour would also give him time to sort his bike out and then sort himself out seeing as he was almost as coated in flecks of mud as his means of training was.

  


 

Daniel and Sebastian found a table and sat down. Other members of the team were getting their own lunch breaks around them but they weren't paying too much attention to their star drivers as they also took a break. Seb sipped his coffee while Dan started shovelling food into his mouth.

“So umm, how was your weekend?” enquired Seb politely.

Daniel swallowed a gulp of water to clear his mouth.

“Not too bad. Reckon that could have been a podium but safety car, you know...”

Dan shrugged.

“Uh-huh.”

Daniel noted the vague reply.

“You weren't watching?”

“Oh, umm, no. Sorry. To be honest I've been cutting myself off from all that,” Seb explained.

“Ah right, well that's understandable I guess. I don't suppose... I'm probably not meant to ask am I?”

“Ask what?”

“When you'll be back.”

“Ah.”

 

Seb looked down for a moment wondering how much to share with his team-mate. He'd had the discussion with Christian yesterday afternoon when his boss had come into the factory straight from the airport, workaholic that he was. For now they had decided to work out a plan but keep any definitive dates flexible.

“Let's just say I'm working on it,” Seb replied, hoping that wasn't too evasive.

“Sure. Well it's good that you're on the case anyway.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah course.”

“Certain you want the opposition back?” teased Sebastian.

Daniel laughed.

“Not that insecure mate.”

“Ha. Well that's good to know.”

Daniel looked at him more seriously.

“It really will be good to have you back, whenever that is. The atmosphere in the team since, well since you've not been there... It's been pretty rough.”

Seb looked at him.

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone's been worrying about you. You do know that don't you? Especially the guys on your side of the garage. It's been kindof tense. They... well they feel guilty about it don't they? About what happened and now they've got to deal with whichever kid Helmut's decided to try out in your seat each weekend which is a pretty tough gig I've got to tell you. I mean they're trying to keep their heads down and just do the job but it's on their minds, you can tell,” Daniel explained.

Sebastian sat for a moment absorbing the information. He hadn't really spent much time thinking about any of that, how it was for the team and how they were feeling. He wondered if that was selfish of him.

“Not helped by the fact the media are all camped in front of the garage every weekend watching our every move and over-analysing everything,” Dan continued.

“Of course, no I hadn't thought of that.”

Daniel shook his head.

“I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just, I don't know... It'd be good to have you back that's all.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Be nice not to have to talk about how I'm feeling about it every five seconds too,” added Daniel.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“Sorry, that probably sounds totally heartless, but there's only so much you can say.”

“Course. No I don't think it's heartless, you need to be concentrating on the job in hand.”

“Exactly and well, this is probably going to sound even worse but I've had to try and keep the mood up a bit you know, just to keep things going.”

 

Seb nodded. He didn't much fancy that role when there must have been so much scrutiny on the team.

“I'm sure you've done what you can.”

“Yeah.”

Daniel paused before admitting something else.

“I told a joke in the garage in Singapore, just to try to cheer the guys up a bit because the place was like a bloody morgue and someone got a picture of it and... well the press took me to town on that one,” he confessed.

“What?”

Sebastian looked unimpressed.

“It was just a little joke, nothing to do with you,” mitigated Dan.

Sebastian shook his head trying to let Dan know he wasn't criticising him.

“No of course not, I meant _them_ , the press.”

Seb puffed out a breath.

“They couldn't just give you a break?”

“Seems not.”

He'd been ripped to shreds on Twitter for that as well, Dan recalled, but he didn't want to labour the point.

“Anyway, I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for us all, I'm just saying the sooner you're back the better really.”

“Right, well thanks I guess.”

“Not that I want to add any more pressure. Whenever it is, that'll be great.”

“Yeah, thanks. I'm starting in the sim tomorrow,” noted Seb trying to pick things back up.

“Are you? That's great. Honestly it really is good to see you here. I have been thinking of you.”

“Thank you for all the texts.”

Dan shrugged.

“Course.”

“And Lewis said you came to the hospital in Italy,” Seb added.

“Yeah he told me he'd seen you.”

Daniel wasn't about to add that Lewis had told him that when he had visited Seb in hospital in the UK he hadn't seemed too good, nor had Mark for that matter, but at the time they were so grateful that Sebastian was awake and talking that any other concerns seemed relatively unimportant.

“Yeah? Well it was nice of you.”

 

Daniel shrugged again. It had been nothing really, more to assuage his own worries than about anything he could really do for Seb. Thinking back to that day in Monza was awful. When he had got back to the garage after the race had been stopped Daniel had felt numb on hearing the bad news, sick with worry as he hung around the place waiting to hear more. The whole team, indeed the whole pitlane had felt the same. A terrible atmosphere pervaded the place, everyone trying to find ways to keep busy and do what they normally did, but the garages that were normally hives of noisy industry and loud music after a race were too quiet, whispered conversations held in corners and everywhere a sense of dread lurking that the worst could happen. When they had brought Sebastian's smashed car back around to the pitlane it had a black sheet draped over it covering up the damage and the horrible thought had crossed Dan's mind that it was like a funeral pall and the sight of it had been too much.

He'd walked out the back, past the area that still smelt like vomit despite some sainted soul cleaning up and Daniel had been reminded how his fears were nothing compared to what Mark was going through. At a loss for any other idea he'd dodged all the media waiting like vultures around the place and sought out a few other drivers to at least find some fellow people who might feel the same way as he did. They'd known their plan to go to the hospital was more about themselves than any real ability to help the situation but it had felt better to actually do something. Once there all they really achieved was a different location to wait in and yet more media to avoid. Christian had been unable to give them any real consolation about Seb's prospects but at least the information was solid and up-to-date which was a damn sight better than the horrendous gossip doing the rounds back at the track.

Dan looked over at his companion. When they had been stood around anxiously waiting in that hospital Sebastian had been in a coma. He'd very nearly died that day and here he was, drinking coffee and chatting. It was unbelievable really.

Daniel gave Sebastian a softer smile.

“Think it might be about the best news I've ever had, that text off Christian saying you'd woken up,” Dan admitted.

Sebastian didn't know what to say and Dan saw it in his face.

“So that's probably pretty soppy of me, but hey.”

“Well, that's...” Seb smiled, “I don't know how I'm meant to respond to that.”

Dan shrugged.

“Just thought I'd say it, cos it's true.”

Daniel smiled more widely.

“Guess I've blown my image as a bluff, tough, Aussie now.”

Seb laughed back.

“Yeah well Mark's Aussie, so I know that stuff's all rubbish anyway.”

“Guess you do. How is Mark?”

“He's good thanks. He's been really great, amazing through all this.”

Daniel nodded.

“And you are doing better then? Guess you must be to be getting stuck in with training and stuff.”

“Yeah well you know.”

“Christian's been letting us know how you've been getting on,” explained Dan, “I mean not details or anything, just that you were doing better.”

Dan still wondered how much he hadn't been told. When he'd rung his boss to get more information once he'd got home the day after the accident, all Christian had told him was that Sebastian was still in a pretty bad way and remained in intensive care but at least out of the coma. Then he'd got were a few brief updates saying Seb was improving and then had left hospital, only to be right back in again. All Christian would say when he saw him next at the race in Singapore was _'bloody media'_ with a dark look. Daniel had known better than to press him on it, but it didn't take a genius to work out some idea at least as to what had gone on.

Sebastian simply nodded. He didn't expect Christian to have kept his condition a complete secret, especially when colleagues were concerned. It was odd to think of people worrying about him though. Still, better that they cared than they didn't. How strange these past few weeks must have been for the team. Seb didn't want to think of his guys feeling guilty about the crash. Maybe he should come in a bit earlier tomorrow and swing by to have another chat with them so he could let them know things were okay? Seb wondered if he'd have the nerve to actually bring the topic of his accident up. Probably not, but at least spending a little time with them would be good, yes he'd do that.

 

Seb drank his coffee for a moment thinking how odd it was going to be when he actually got back to racing and was in the paddock again. It would be so strange to know how he had been the subject of so much interest. He was bound to have every eye on the place on him, but then that wasn't exactly unusual over the past year. How nice it would be just to walk along going about his business unnoticed. One day maybe.

“So other than all that, what have I missed?” enquired Sebastian, wanting to pick the mood up. “What's the gossip?”

Dan smiled and raised an eyebrow.

“Other than you, you mean? Well...”

Sebastian sat back and let Daniel run on, encouraging him to tell him all about the latest comings and going and which teams were apparently talking about signing or dropping various drivers, Dan still managing to take mouthfuls of food between sentences while Seb made the right noises to sound interested. In a way he didn't really care, but in another he liked the way it made him feel included, as if he was still a part of the scene. Once Daniel had finished his food he looked at his watch.

“Shit, I'm gonna be late. Sorry, I've got to get back to the meeting.”

He stood up and Seb copied him.

“It was really good to see you,” offered Sebastian.

“Yeah you too, really really good.”

Dan pulled Seb into a firm hug and smiled as he let go.

“Guess pretty soon we'll be back to glaring at each other across the garage like proper team-mates are meant to.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I'm not sure that's ever really been us has it?”

“Nah guess not,” Daniel agreed. “Think that's just what the media expect.”

“Bollocks to the media.”

Daniel burst out laughing and patted Seb on the shoulder.

“That's the spirit. Hell, you are doing better aren't you? Guess I'd better start watching my back.”

Seb was trying to think of a repost when Daniel sent him a teasing wink and all he could do was smile back, thankful to have the team-mate that he did.

“I'd better go. Say hello to Mark,” parted Dan.

“Yeah will do. Maybe I'll see you around?”

“Probably not back over for a while, but yeah I'll let you know if I'm about.”

“Well I'm here every day at the moment.”

“Really?”

“Well every weekday, yeah.”

Dan nodded, seeming impressed.

“Good stuff mate, well we might see you back sooner than later, yeah?”

“Yeah maybe.”

“I'd say if there's anything I can do to help, but I don't suppose there is?”

“Not really, just got to get on with it.”

“Yeah, okay well good luck.”

“Thanks.”

 

Sebastian walked away, still thinking things over. It was good to see Dan, even if it was strange to be confronted with how other people had been thinking about him. It did at least help him feel a little closer to the world he had been away from. Maybe he would be back sooner than anyone thought? Seb wanted to get to trying out the simulator tomorrow to see how he really was doing. Right now he wasn't sure if he'd take one look at that complicated steering wheel and have no clue, but the only way to find out was to try.

  


  


  


  


 

  


Sebastian sat in the simulator feeling more nervous than since he had first walked in here a week and a half ago. A huge part of him wished he could have Mark here for this too but he had to do this on his own. He'd been driving in the road car to get himself here this week and that had been completely fine. A big part of Seb knew that his worries before had merely been about a kind of mental block in his head. Once he got started surely this would be fine as well?

Rocky to his side was running through everything again and reminding Seb how it all worked, calmly going over what button did what on his steering wheel. Seb nodded along, desperately hoping that he could remember when it came down to it.

“Okay, so think you've got it?” checked Rocky.

“Umm, yeah, sure. I just need to practice. It'll come back to me,” assured Seb in a confident as voice as he could project.

Rocky nodded, not letting any doubt show in his face either.

“Great, so we'll just try a lap, see how we get on.”

 

Seb smiled and nodded back. He knew that Christian must have warned his old engineer that Sebastian was still feeling unsure about how easily he was going to recall what he needed to do. It had been Seb who requested Rocky work with him on this, just for the first go he'd assured his boss when Christian had pointed out that working with his current engineer would probably be best in the long run to prepare him for racing again. There had been an awkward pause when Seb had almost folded, but then he had forced himself to speak up.

“I think I'd feel more confident with Rocky, you know because of all the years he's been the voice in my ear, just at first.”

Christian had nodded slowly, hearing the hidden anxiety lurking in his driver's voice.

“If that's what you really feel you need.”

“Just for the first go, just... I think it would help things be more automatic for me,” Seb had explained.

“I see.”

“If it's a problem...”

“No no Sebi, if it'd help I'm sure Rocky will do it.”

“I know he's probably got more important things to work on these days.”

Christian had smiled, thinking he couldn't imagine anything currently more important than getting Seb back driving again.

“I'm sure he'd be happy to make the time. I know you guys go way back.”

Christian couldn't help remembering all the radio exchanges between his driver and his engineer over the years, all the wins, the problems, the chiding not to stress the engine when Seb risked pushing for the fastest lap, all those championship drives over the line and the joyful celebrations recorded for posterity. No wonder Seb wanted to have the security of that level of familiarity when he felt so uncertain now.

“I don't want to offend anyone by asking for him,” excused Sebastian.

“No of course not.”

“Do you think it'll cause a problem?”

“No. I'll say it's my request so we can get a read on a few things.”

Christian saw the way Sebastian visibly relaxed and knew he'd done the right thing. If there were to be any issues he'd make sure they came back on him, not Seb. His driver was still too unsure of himself. Christian had good reports from Antti and Dr. Phillips telling him how Sebastian's physical fitness was coming on leaps and bounds which was great news, but the mental aspect was still essentially untested and Christian currently had no idea whether Seb's ambitious target of Austin in less than three weeks time was at all possible.

  


Sebastian closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. He could do this. He'd been doing this for years; sat ensconced in the snug seat of simulator, steering wheel in his hand, Rocky's calm steady voice in his ear, all totally familiar and normal, nothing to be nervous about.

Seb huffed a little breath. Who was he kidding? He was fucking terrified.

“Okay, we good to go?” asked Rocky.

“Yep. All good,” lied Sebastian.

  


After a couple of laps Rocky paused things and came over.

“Okay, well that wasn't so bad,” he excused.

“It was terrible,” bemoaned Seb.

“No no, just, you're a bit too hesitant. The lines are good.”

Sebastian wasn't sure managing to keep within the track confines was much to boast about when he was lapping at what seemed to be little more than walking pace.

Rocky ducked down on his haunches beside him.

“Do you want to go over all the functions on the wheel?” asked Rocky.

Seb wanted to say no, wanted to pretend everything was fine, but there was no bullshitting Rocky and if the whole point of having him here was to have someone he trusted, didn't lying to him defeat the object?

“Yeah okay. It's not that I've totally forgotten, it's just... I guess it's that I have to think for a moment.”

Rocky nodded.

“Yeah, that's the delay.”

Sebastian knew they couldn't afford to have any delayed reactions while driving.

“It's fine, we'll go over it. You just need to trust your instincts Seb.”

Seb nodded and they started going over things again.

 

Once they had repeated this half a dozen times Seb was finally starting to feel a little more confident, but he knew his times were still a way off, even though Rocky said he wasn't measuring them. He'd climbed out to review how he had been getting on.

“Okay so you're definitely improving,” praised Rocky.

Sebastian gave him a look.

“Mm.”

“We'll keep working on it. Can you do tomorrow and we'll have another go?” asked Rocky.

“Oh, um, well I have my therapist tomorrow afternoon,” admitted Seb.

“Ah.”

Sebastian felt both guilty and slightly embarrassed to mention it.

“Maybe I could come in early? Would you be in first thing? Then I could do this before training,” suggested Seb.

“Oh well yes I'll be in from half eight unless you want to start earlier?”

“Really? Yeah that'd be good. You sure you don't mind giving up time for this?”

“Course not. It's fine. Look, I've got an idea. Can you hang around for a few minutes?” asked Rocky.

“Hm? Oh yeah sure,” agreed Sebastian, wondering what Rocky was doing.

 

Ten minutes later Rocky returned accompanied by Christian. Sebastian had been all ready to go, presuming that Rocky had been doing something like making sure his schedule was clear for the morning. He was thrown by Christian appearing. Had he really been so bad that the engineer had felt the need to bring their boss over?

“Seb, alright? Rocky says you've made a good start today.”

“Oh, um yeah a start at any rate.”

“Good, good. So Rocky here had an idea,” explained Christian, looking to him.

“Yes, so if you want to, just to work on your familiarity...”

Rocky produced a spare steering wheel and a printed off sheet of paper with a diagram noting each function.

“I thought you could take it home with you.”

“Just so you can have a play with it,” suggested Christian.

Sebastian stared at the wheel.

“Did you just whip it off the car?”

“Not exactly.”

Sebastian knew that they kept perhaps half a dozen of these interchangeable steering wheels ready to be fitted into the car at any one time, but they weren't throw-away items.

“You're letting me take it home with me?”

Christian smiled.

“Well we'd appreciate it if you brought it back, but for now, yes.”

“Right, okay then. Thanks.”

“Great, I mean don't spend hours on it or anything, but just as a handy reminder.”

 

Sebastian took the wheel and the paper from Rocky and very carefully placed them in his bag.

“Thanks. It's a really good idea.”

“Worth a go,” noted Rocky.

Seb nodded.

“I'll try not to break it.”

“That would be preferable, yes,” admitted Christian.

He almost joked that they'd be taking it out of Sebastian's wages if they did, but perhaps it would have been out of place. Probably best not to put any additional pressure on him when Seb was putting in so many hours here and now was literally taking his work home with him.

 

 

 

  


  


Mark smiled over as they sat on the sofa after dinner that evening.

“Want me to test you again?”

Sebastian looked down at the steering wheel resting casually on his lap, he could feel the weight of it resting there, but it wasn't uncomfortable.

“No, I think, yeah I think I've got it. I'm just gonna play with it a bit more.”

He suddenly laughed as he looked down.

“It's like one of those toy steering wheels like toddlers play with.”

“Pretty expensive toy mate. I think it's worth about thirty grand.”

“Ha, good point. Guess I'd better not leave it lying around for these guys to find.”

Seb brushed against the dogs by their feet with his leg.

“No best not. Can't imagine Christian would be too chuffed with you,” agreed Mark.

 

They went back to watching what was on TV, Seb only really half watching as he repeatedly ran through the buttons in his head, pressing them in turn, then letting himself relax by turning his brain off for a bit and simply looking at the television screen and feeling what the layout of the wheel was without worrying too much what the buttons and switches did. As the programme finished he turned to Mark.

“Okay, can you test me again?”

“Haven't you done enough today?”

“Just a quick run through. It'll make it easier when I'm on the sim.”

“Hmm, okay.”

Mark leaned forwards to retrieve the diagram from the coffee table in front of him. The wheel had changed since his day so without it Mark knew he wasn't going to be much help to Seb.

They both turned in to face one another a little more. Mark straightening up to make sure he could look at the sheet of paper and the wheel at the same time.

“Ready?”

“Go.”

“Okay. DRS.”

Mark watched as Seb flicked the switch and looked back down to check it was correct.

“Good. Diff.”

They went on, Mark calling out and Seb trying to react quicker as he pressed the correct button, only occasionally getting the odd one wrong.

“Enough?”

“Just one more time.”

Mark sighed.

“Seb you've been working all day. Give yourself a break.”

“Just one more run through. I'll feel better for the morning.”

“Okay one more go, then I'm confiscating this thing.”

 

A few minutes later Mark had run out of buttons to call out.

“That'll do darling, you've got it okay.”

“Okay. I got them all right this time didn't I?”

“Yeah you got it,” Mark confirmed.

Sebastian sighed out a happier breath.

“Okay then. Thank you.”

“It's no problem, I just don't want you giving yourself a headache.”

Seb nodded and made to get up to put the steering wheel away but Mark shook his head and scooped it up to go and put it on a bookshelf way out of the dogs' reach. He sat back down by Sebastian and lifted up his arm so Seb could settle in against him properly, feeling the way his body relaxed into him.

“Better?”

“Much better, thank you.”

Seb rested his head down on Mark's shoulder feeling much more tired now he allowed himself to switch off. He turned his head a little more to look at Mark.

“You don't think it's stupid do you?”

Mark shook his head.

“No I think it's a very good idea. Whatever works right?”

“Yeah. I do know it, pretty much.”

“I know, you just need to trust in yourself that you know it. Rocky's a smart guy, he wants you to be more at ease with it, that's why he's got you doing it here.”

“Mm, yeah. You don't think it's weird me asking to work with him?”

“Rocky?”

“Yeah.”

“No. I think it's good you asked. I'm sure the team want to do whatever it takes.”

“I guess. It just feels easier to start. I'll switch-over to my normal guy next week.”

“Sure. Don't stress about it, okay sweetheart.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. What do you want on?”

“Hm? Oh I don't care. Anything you like.”

Sebastian shuffled about until he got comfortable leaning into Mark while he found something to put on. He let out a long 'hmmmm' noise as he stilled against him and Mark smiled down.

“Tired?”

“Yeah.”

Mark leaned over and kissed the top of Seb's head.

“Just chill out now. No more thinking about work stuff.”

“Yeah okay.”

Seb closed his eyes for just a moment and let his brain switch off. Mark was nice and warm and solid against him, his arm holding him securely against his chest.

“Nice,” murmured Sebastian contentedly.

“Hm?”

Sebastian mumbled something incomprehensible and Mark smiled. He felt Seb's breathing slow and within a few minutes Mark knew he was fast asleep. Maybe they should go up to bed but they were both comfortable for now. Mark turned his wrist to check his watch; 9.27pm and Seb was out like a light. He was exhausted again, taking more and more on, but there was no chance Mark could stand in his way, he'd just have to do everything he could to support him and they'd get there.

  


 

  


 

  


  


Sebastian was going for it on the simulator once more, early on the Friday afternoon. He'd already completed a morning of training with Antti, then taken a break for an early lunch to recover himself before coming over here. It felt like a long day, although not as long as yesterday when he'd been in the sim, then trained, then home for lunch and finally hiked into Oxford for his therapy session. He'd been so worn out by the time he got home that Seb had had to take a nap while Mark made dinner. They had taken a walk out with the dogs to wake up a bit before they'd eaten. The fresh air had helped him feel slightly restored but an hour later Seb was struggling and Mark had given him a very firm look when Sebastian had reached for the steering wheel.

“Just five minutes,” tried Sebastian.

“You'll give yourself a headache. I thought you said you were tired,” disputed Mark.

Sebastian had paused.

“I'll just have a run through on it and you can test me and if I get it right I'll put it away,” he bargained.

Mark sighed and nodded, hoping Seb would pass his own little test if only so it meant he could properly relax for the rest of the evening. He could argue but what was the point, Seb just wouldn't give in.

  


  


“Okay then Seb?” checked Rocky.

“Yep. I was better yesterday right?”

Rocky nodded.

“Much better. You're improving with every lap.”

“I've been working on the wheel.”

“Yes I can tell. Okay well let's just try a few out-laps to see how we're doing. Where do you fancy today?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Um, Spa?”

“Spa it is. Right, just give me a moment and we'll get set up.”

Rocky walked away and Sebastian took a moment to adjust his position and re-check in his mind that he definitely knew every button and switch on the wheel in front of him. He had this. It _was_ getting easier. Seb thought he would feel much more confident getting down to it with his usual race engineer next week. When he'd been chatting with Henry yesterday afternoon he had been far more upbeat about the progress he was making.

 

The familiar voice came through in his ear-piece.

“Okay good to go. You ready?”

“Yep, ready.”

The screen was on in front of him showing the computer-generated version of the well-known start line at Spa-Francorchamps circuit. Next week he wanted to start work on COTA but this was just for fun, everybody loved Spa and it had happy associations for Seb.

  


  

“Okay Seb that was better but you're slow in the second sector. Do you want to take a break and look at the data?”

“Yeah sure.”

Sebastian went through things with Rocky, looking to see where he was missing out and where he needed to improve. He puffed a breath. Even though his old engineer was being relentlessly positive Seb could see his times were still way down on where they ought to be.

“Can we do a comparison on my times from this year's race?” requested Seb.

“I'm not sure that's helpful.”

“Because I'm still miles off?”

“It was a wet race Seb, lap-times aren't representative.”

“Oh. Yeah course, okay what about from free practice?”

Rocky sighed. Sebastian just wouldn't accept that steady improvement was enough. He always wanted to be at the pinnacle. Of course that was how they had won four world championships together, but after less than one week back at this, Rocky thought that was a bit over-ambitious. Not that Seb was likely to accept that. Seb rarely accepted settling for less. All those risky last lap pushes to set fastest times when the team simply wanted a safe coast over the line to win were testament enough to that. Rocky knew only too well when he was wasting his breath with Sebastian.

“Fine, we'll have a look, but only as something to aim at, okay Seb?”

“Sure.”

  


 

“Were we closer that time?” asked Sebastian.

“Closer.”

“How close?”

“Seb it's better.”

“How far off?”

“Let's not focus on that.”

“Rocky? Come on, I need to know or what's the point?”

Sebastian heard the engineer sigh and he knew he was being pushy, but he had to do this right.

“Six point five.”

“Seconds off the pace?”

“Yes.”

 _Six?_ Six seconds was an eternity in formula one. That was nowhere near good enough.

“Okay where do I need to find the time?”

Rocky gave up fighting.

“Still sector two, through the bends you need to be switching through the gears faster and getting back on the power as you come out.”

“Okay.”

“You could also release the ERS earlier coming out of Raidillon, but let's take it one step at a time, alright?”

“Yeah alright. Let's go again.”

  


Lap after lap Seb tried to claw back the time, improving his technique and his reactions. It was harder than it ought to be juggling the multitude of tasks whilst paying close attention to the changing image in front and listening to the instructions in his ear to react fast enough at the same time. Seb was having to work far more than he used to at this. It should all be automatic, but he knew Rocky was coaching him. At least the time was whittling away slightly.

“Damn.”

“Okay slow it and just bring it around.”

“I pressed the ERS too soon.”

“Yeah, okay well at least you know what the error was. Do you want to take a break?”

“No, go again.”

“Okay,” agreed Rocky resignedly.

 

“How're are we looking.”

“Improved again, good work Seb.”

“How much?”

“Up by half a second.”

“No, how much are we off?”

Rocky rolled his eyes.

“Four point three five.”

Seb looked down and pushed out a breath. All this work and he was still hardly anywhere near.

“Again please,” Seb requested.

He had to go faster. It wasn't just the tasks on the wheel where he was being more cautious, Seb knew it. He had to put his foot down and trust in himself. He had to push.

  


 

 

Sebastian automatically flinched away, pulling his hands from the steering wheel and taking a sharp breath as he stared at the large screen in front of him.

“Seb? Are you okay?” came the worried voice.

Sebastian was staring wide-eyed. He'd just spun the car and nearly ended up in the barrier.

“Seb?”

Rocky left what he was doing and rushed over to crouch down by him.

“Seb are you alright?”

Sebastian pulled his helmet off and forced himself to look away from the screen. It wasn't real. It didn't matter what he did in here, it was only pixels and code creating a picture. It _wasn't_ real. He hadn't actually just come off track, not in real life.

“I'm fine.”

Rocky looked at him and wasn't convinced.

“Maybe we should stop for today?”

“No I'm okay. Sorry Rocky I just had a moment, it just... I'm fine.”

“Seb.”

“I was pushing too hard on that corner, I should have turned in earlier to make the apex, my mistake.”

Sebastian was speaking too fast and his old engineer wasn't fooled. He was shaken too. When Seb hadn't replied on the radio it had brought some deeply unpleasant memories back.

“We should take a break.”

“I'm fine, really.”

“Sebastian we're taking a break.”

Seb looked him in the eye and knew Rocky wasn't going to be opposed. When he used his full name Seb knew he was in trouble. One upon a time that had been for being naughty and doing donuts after a big win. Not any more.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded acquiescence.

“Okay.”

“Maybe we should just leave it. You've spent a long time in the sim this week. Maybe come back fresh after the weekend?”

“I'm okay.”

Rocky regarded him.

“Okay well I need a break. I'm going to get a drink. What do you want?”

“Just water.”

“Okay. Five minutes.”

“Thank you.”

Rocky looked a little closer trying to read Seb.

“Are you sure you're okay?”

“I'm fine. Really. A break's a good idea, I think I might just nip to the loo. Then we can try again.”

 

Rocky wasn't sure whether he wanted to hug Sebastian or roll his eyes. At least him behaving so stubbornly reminded him of the Seb of old. He got up and walked away to find some drinks.

The minute Rocky walked out and Sebastian was left alone he let out a shaky breath. He'd spun plenty of times in his career and he'd saved this one hadn't he? It wasn't that bad. Seb clambered out of his race-seat and made his way to the bathroom, shutting himself in a cubicle and leaning back against the door. He tried to take some settling breaths then looked at his hands in front of him. They were shaking.

 

A few minutes later Seb emerged and went over to the row of sinks to splash water on his face trying to revive himself. He looked at his hands again. At least they were steady now. He'd spent the past few minutes telling himself not to be silly. He was massively over-reacting here. All he was doing was playing on an over-priced computer game. None of it was real. It was just in his head. For a moment he'd considered calling Mark but that was pathetic. Seb knew he just had to man up and get on with it. It was just a simulation. That was the whole point. He could crash a hundred times here and wouldn't go home with a scratch. Nothing to worry about. He just needed to knuckle down and try again to improve his times. So he'd screwed up on that lap? At least he'd been pushing harder. Now he'd made that mistake he knew not to make it again. That was how you learned.

Seb looked at himself in the mirror and told himself off for being ridiculous. He set his shoulders back and walked back to the simulator room where Rocky was waiting for him. He took the bottle and drank a swig of water.

“Alright?”

“Yep. Good thanks. Thanks for the water.”

“No problem. Shall we leave it for now?”

“No I'm still way off.”

“Seb.”

“Just a few more goes. I want to get it right.”

Rocky looked at him trying to assess how Sebastian was.

“I'm fine. I just messed up. I want to do it right.”

Sebastian saw that Rocky was about to protest so he continued.

“I know I'm not going to match the times. I just want to get the flow right, okay. Just another half hour?”

“Okay. If you're sure?”

Sebastian nodded firmly.

“Right, well you took that corner too late, you need to brake earlier and be ready to pull the speed back by coming out of the bend at a smoother angle, okay?”

“Okay got it. Let's try again.”

 

Lap, lap, lap. Still not quite right, still nowhere near on the speed, still a little hesitant, still not good enough.

“Can we go again please?”

“Seb.”

“Pouhon was better this time, right?”

Rocky gave up.

“On the way in, but you can improve on the way out.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“We'll try a series of laps, build up, okay?”

“Yep.”

 

Lap, lap, lap. Seb was concentrating hard and he could feel a headache building behind his eyes. Just another few goes and then he'd call it a day. He could take his painkillers as soon as he got home and he'd be okay.

“So you're down to three point nine off. Do you want to try another flyer?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Do a couple of set-ups and then push harder through La Source.”

Sebastian was flying up the hill. Through the sweep of Eau Rouge and then via Radillon before pressing as hard as he dared along the straight to gain the maximum speed then daring to break late before the right turn. Going through the middle sector the bends came one after another; left, right, left, left, left and around. He was feeling dizzy with it. He'd just gone too wide round Pouhon now. He had to focus.

All the way round to the start. It was a long lap here. It felt as though he'd been looking at the same pictures for hours and hours but Seb knew it was probably only a little after two o'clock. He'd started early today thinking if he could get work out of the way he could get home and spend more of the afternoon with Mark. He'd just do a few more and then finish.

Sebastian blinked and was surprised how fast the corner was coming up, he should be concentrating on this not home. Seb's brain was struggling to keep up as the bendy section of the track loomed again. The dizziness was getting worse but he was determined to keep going. Maybe just finish the lap? He had to at least finish the lap and then he could finally stop. Seb leaned into the curves of turns twelve, thirteen, fourteen, silently begging them to be over. It was as if he was really in the car. Seb was losing himself in the sensations bombarding him, the images on the screen and the movements of his seat. It was getting on top of him. He needed it to be over now, please now. The last bit; he could see the bus-stop approaching and Sebastian was almost as grateful as when he'd been trying to hold Lewis off in the real race. Sharp turn right, left. It felt as though he was on a roller-coaster and he needed the ride to stop.

He pulled up on the start-finish line knowing he was breathing heavily. Rocky's voice came through in his ear.

“Do you want to go again?”

“No. I... I think that's enough.”

“Okay.”

Rocky thought so too. The last few laps had been getting slower not faster. Time to call it quits.

Sebastian fumbled with the seatbelt release and couldn't get his helmet off fast enough. His hands weren't working right. He needed air.

Rocky came over as Seb was climbing out of the seat.

“Okay so you improved overall a lot. Do you want to look over the data?”

Sebastian swallowed and looked for his water.

“No I... sorry, I think...”

 

Rocky thought Sebastian looked pale. They'd gone too long, he'd known it already.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just...”

Seb took a deep swig of water. Sparkling lights were dancing in front of him and Sebastian felt horrible.

“Maybe have a sit down?”

“I think... I just need to go to the bathroom. Sorry. I'm okay.”

He wasn't okay. Seb wanted to close his eyes but he knew if he did he might sway or even fall. He couldn't do that. Sebastian forced his expression to look more normal.

“I'm fine. Sorry. Thank you for all your help this week.”

“No problem. You've done great Seb. I'm sure you'll make progress from here on in.”

“Yeah okay thanks. I've got to go.”

Sebastian shoved the water bottle in his bag and grabbed it up. He exited the room knowing he must have appeared rude to Rocky who'd been doing him a favour by working with him, but he couldn't think too much of that now. He needed to get to the bathroom to splash some water on his face. He'd be okay, he just couldn't stay in that room any longer.

 

Rocky went back over to save the data and switch down the machines. He should have told Seb to call it off sooner. He'd clearly pushed himself past the point it was doing any good. He'd have a word with his engineer and make sure he knew to take more breaks and limit the sessions next week. Sebastian simply didn't know what was good for him sometimes. Rocky looked over to the door. Maybe he should go see if he was alright?

  


Sebastian pushed open the bathroom door and took a breath in. Maybe just some cold water on his face? But it was worse now, not just dizzy but nauseous. He felt it creeping up inside him, swilling around in his head and then his stomach. Oh god, too much.

He stumbled over and slammed the cubicle door open with a bang, almost falling through as Sebastian pushed a hand to brace against the flimsy wall to hold himself up as he vomited into the toilet.

Seb sagged in place trying to work out if he was going to throw up again or if that was it, breathing slowly through his nose and trying to ignore the smell. Everything churned inside him and Seb thought he might vomit again, but no. He took another steadying breath and flushed the toilet before closing the seat to sit down. The door was still open and he kicked it shut with his foot then forced himself up enough to lock it before sitting back and resting his head to the side against the wall. Seb closed his eyes and tried to let the swirling in his head stop as he took deep breaths, trying to ignore the prickling in his skin. Deep breaths like Henry said; Don't let it overwhelm you. Know you're really okay and this will pass. You're okay. You're okay. Deep breath.

Seb froze as he heard the bathroom door open and someone enter. There was a pause and then a voice spoke tentatively.

“Um, Seb. Are you okay?”

Sebastian took another breath as he opened his eyes. Thank god he'd locked the door.

“Yeah, I'm fine.”

“Okay, sorry, just... Yeah okay sorry, never mind.”

Rocky. Oh god, this wasn't awkward at all. There was a horrible pause while both of them wondered if they should say something else, then the bathroom door shut again and Seb knew he was alone. He took another few breaths and then fished the bottle of water out of his bag on the floor and took a drink. Seb intervalled taking deep breaths in through his nose and slowly letting them out through his mouth with sipping his water until he felt steady again. After a few minutes he felt less light-headed and a little more together but he could feel the dark clouds of a thunderstorm brewing in his head. He reached down and dug out the painkillers in his bag. Until now Seb had avoided taking them in work, but he kept them close nonetheless. He swallowed the pill with more water and took a longer deeper breath.

He couldn't drive home. He'd been stupid letting himself get like this, but he wasn't _that_ stupid. Seb put the bottle back and found his phone instead, pressing dial on his most frequent number.

 

“Seb, everything alright?” asked Mark as soon as he picked up.

“Yeah.” Seb paused. “No, not really. Sorry.”

Mark could hear it in his voice immediately.

“What's happened?”

“I um, I don't feel too good. Could you pick me up?”

Sebastian felt suddenly far more wobbly. He wanted Mark here with him right now. He bit his lip trying not to cry. He took a sharper breath and Mark heard it.

“Seb? What's the matter?”

“I just... Could you just come and pick me up, please Mark?” requested Sebastian, sounding far more desperate than he intended.

Mark was off his feet, pushing the dogs away from crowding him as he made his way into the hall looking for his car-keys.

“Okay I'm coming, it's alright. Is it your head?”

“Yeah. I don't think I should drive.”

“No, course not.”

“Sorry.”

“It's fine sweetheart. I'm on my way okay. Will you be alright?” asked Mark, already out of the house and half way down the drive.

Sebastian closed his eyes and swallowed, feeling relieved and more than a little pathetic.

“Yeah, I took my painkillers.”

“Okay. I'm in the car. Give me half an hour.”

Mark pulled the car door shut.

“You sure you're okay?”

“I... I just need to come home,” admitted Seb.

He felt like crying again which was so stupid.

“Sorry,” repeated Seb.

Mark frowned. Seb didn't sound right at all, he sounded upset.

“It's not a problem darling, don't worry about it.”

“Thank you Liebling. I'm gonna wait in front. I need some air.”

“Okay good idea. I'll be there soon.”

“Okay.”

They hung up and Mark set off, thinking he could probably do the journey in twenty minutes if he put his foot down.

  


  


 

Sebastian sat on the low wall bordering a flower-bed to the side of the entrance. It wasn't raining today thankfully but he wasn't sure that he might not have just sat out here anyway. He was still doing some deep breathing, as much to distract himself as anything else. At least out here no one could see him which was good. Seb puffed out a breath and looked towards the entrance of the car-park willing Mark to appear.

 

 

Five minutes later Mark pulled up and stopped right in front of where he'd spotted Seb sat. He could see from the car that Seb didn't look good and climbed out to go over. Sebastian looked up as Mark went over to sit beside him.

“Mark.”

“Hey,” replied Mark softly, dipping his head down to look at Sebastian. Definitely not good. Far too pale and there was a distinct edginess about him. Mark put his arm around Seb and felt him lean heavily against him.

Sebastian took a shaky breath feeling oddly both better and worse now Mark was here and he could stop trying to pretend he was okay. Mark gave his arm a rub and looked concerned.

“Hey sweetheart, it's okay. What's the matter? Just your head or something else?”

Seb slipped his arms around Mark's waist and knew he was clinging to him. He dropped his head to rest on Mark's shoulder and breathed in.

“Just not feeling well?” tried Mark again.

“I feel a bit dizzy. I... I spent too long on the sim.”

“Ah Seb.”

“I know. I just wanted to get better at it.”

“How long did you spend on it?” questioned Mark.

“I don't know, two hours maybe.”

“Two hours?”

Mark sighed.

“I should have stopped,” admitted Sebastian.

“Okay, never mind,” allowed Mark, not wanting to criticise Seb when he wasn't well.

Sebastian lifted his head a little before confessing.

“I threw up.”

Mark sat up a bit and looked at Seb unhappily.

“ _Seb_.”

“I know, I know. I'm sorry.”

Mark closed his eyes for a moment, trying not to over-react to the situation.

“Do you still feel sick?”

“No, just, not right.”

“Did you actually throw up in the sim?”

“No, the bathroom.”

Mark puffed out a breath.

“Guess that's something.”

“I should have stopped earlier.”

“Okay, it doesn't matter now,” soothed Mark. “Do you want to sit here a bit or are you okay to be in the car?”

“I want to go home.”

“Okay then.”

 

Mark stood, keeping his hand under Seb's elbow as he did the same to make sure he was steady and walked round with him to the passenger side of the car. Both knew it didn't matter if Sebastian's car stayed here over the weekend.

He opened the door but before Seb got in Mark stopped in front of him and placed his hands to rest carefully either side of Seb's face, looking closely in his eyes to see he was really alright.

“I'm okay Mark,” reassured Sebastian. “I just went on too long. I'll be okay.”

Mark nodded and went to lean in to kiss him but Seb pulled away.

“I'm all gross.”

Mark finally cracked a smile and kissed Seb on the forehead instead before pulling him into a hug and then let him climb into the car so they could drive home.

  


 

  


  


  


Mark came back through to where Sebastian was sat on the sofa stroking the dogs who were fussing over him and passed him a glass of water. He sat by him and waited while Seb took a drink.

“Any better?”

“Bit.”

Seb put the glass down on the coffee table and settled against Mark. He did feel better now they were home but he was tired now.

“Don't feel sick or dizzy?” checked Mark.

“No just a bit headachy. I think the drugs are working.”

“Which did you take?”

“The stronger ones.”

“Okay.”

Mark made no comment on it, but Seb hadn't taken those in a while.

“Why didn't you stop if you felt ill?” asked Mark, trying not to sound too judgemental.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I was trying to improve my time.”

“Right.”

Mark wondered how he could be surprised.

“I know I should have stopped. I just... I messed up and I wanted to make it better.”

“What do you mean?”

“I screwed up a corner, came off track.”

Mark's heart seized.

“You crashed?”

“No, no Liebling I just span but I... I guess it gave me a fright.”

“Oh Seb.”

“I didn't want to give up. I wanted to make it right. I've got to get better,” insisted Sebastian.

 

Mark pushed out a heavy breath, trying not to freak out at the idea of Seb crashing even in a simulation. He placed his hand on Sebastian's arm and leaned in to look at him seriously.

“Sweetheart you've got to be careful.”

“I know, I didn't mean to mess up, I...”

“No, no sweetheart I don't mean that. I mean you're working so hard, training, working in the sim, seeing the doctors. It's good, it's good that you're trying so hard but please don't go too far.”

Seb looked down.

“I'm sorry.”

“I'm not having a go. You're doing so well and...” Mark shook his head. “And you're _so_ brave doing all this. Getting back in the sim after coming off. Honestly darling I don't know how you did that.”

Sebastian looked up and gave a half shrug.

“It wasn't a real spin.”

“No but you said it scared you.”

Seb nodded tightly and Mark copied the movement, wondering if he dared ask, but knowing that he had to.

“Did it... I mean did it bring anything back? About the accident? Did you remember?”

Sebastian thought for a moment. He hadn't analysed it at the time.

“No. It's not that, it's just, I don't know, maybe the idea that I could go wrong and something bad could happen. I know it wasn't real, but it felt real,” explained Sebastian, “my hands were shaking.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

“I didn't want Rocky to see. I went to the bathroom for a bit till I could carry on.”

Mark sighed and shook his head again. How did Seb do these things?

“See you are brave. You're brave through all of this, just...” Mark sighed again. “Please just don't go past that point, don't make yourself ill going too far.”

“'kay.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark wrapped his arms around Sebastian and held him tight for a minute. He still couldn't stand the idea of him coming off track, virtually or any other way. Once he'd calmed himself down Mark let him go and chubbed Seb's cheek with his knuckle.

“You're like your own best friend and worst enemy at the same time.”

Seb frowned at him.

“Huh?”

“You work harder than anyone I know, but you're so bloody stubborn you don't know when to stop.”

“Sorry.”

“No, Seb. It's not for me, it's for you. You're amazing, but, just...”

Mark shrugged and shook his head helplessly, unable to find a way to express what he needed to say.

“Don't be an idiot?” offered Sebastian.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Something like that. I love you, but if you could just not turn me entirely grey by Christmas?”

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“I'll try.”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Mark gave him a squeeze and decided it was best to leave it like that. Seb knew he'd made a mistake overdoing it today and he was suffering the consequences. He didn't want to lecture him when Seb was unwell. Mark gave Sebastian a kiss on the forehead.

“How's the head?”

“Just, hmm,” sighed Sebastian.

“Yeah. You want to lie down?”

Seb gave a slight nod and shuffled to lie his head down on Mark's lap, pulling his feet up to curl on the sofa. His head felt heavy now and Seb could hardly keep his eyes open.

“Better?” asked Mark.

“Yeah,” breathed Seb.

Mark stroked his fingers through Seb's hair.

He wanted to say; _'you're killing me here mate,'_ but he didn't. He had to stay strong for Seb like his sister always advised. Seb was grinding himself through the mill to get back to normal. Even if it was torture for Mark to have to watch, the only thing he could do was try to help him in the process.

“Weekend now mate, okay,” reminded Mark.

It might only be mid-afternoon on the Friday but Mark was making a definite cut-off point.

“No more work now, we'll take a couple of days off, yeah?”

“Yeah 'kay,” agreed Seb, thinking that sounded nice.

“What say we think of some stuff to distract us?”

“Mmm.”

“Unless you just want to rest?”

“No, be okay tomorrow.”

Seb's voice was already beginning to be muffled by encroaching drowsiness.

“Yeah, we'll do something nice. I'll think of something.”

Mark continued to absently card his fingers gently through Seb's hair while he fell asleep across him. He tried to think what might be a nice distraction for them, then as an idea struck him Mark carefully pulled out his phone from his pocket, making sure not to disturb Sebastian.

 

MARK: Ok so this is short-notice, but don't suppose you guys are free this weekend?

He put the phone down on the arm of the sofa and waited. Ten minutes later it buzzed with a reply.

JENSON: You finally letting down the drawbridge? Yeah we're free. I'm looking up flights.

Mark smiled to himself. He hoped Seb would approve of this surprise when he woke up and they'd both get a proper break over the weekend to recover themselves. Mark for one knew he could use the back-up and he suspected that a bit of support from their friends might be just the thing they needed.

  


  


 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Colour yourselves surprised chaps, this is the first half of a chapter that wouldn't end (because I'm incapable of editing myself). Next part to come soon-ish...


	92. Back Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was slower appearing than I meant it to be. Busy couple of days! Here we go then, some much anticipated visitors...

* * *

 

 

 

 

The next morning Mark was trying to stop Sebastian from fussing around the house making sure it was ready for their visitors. Fortunately as usual the redoubtable Pauline kept the spare bedrooms made up and as she'd only been in the other day the house was looking pretty neat and tidy. Seb had been round everywhere to make sure of this though.

“Seb, give over, the kitchen's clean, everything's fine,” chided Mark.

Sebastian put the last of the plates that had been drying on the sink away in the cupboard and turned around to see Mark stood by the kitchen table.

“I just want it look nice.”

Mark stepped in and slipped his hands around Seb's back to pull him close.

“It looks fine. It's only JB and Jess, not the Queen popping round.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“I know.”

“They're not expecting The Hilton. They just want to see you.”

“Us.”

“Fine, us.”

“It's just we've never had guests before.”

“We've had your family.”

“They don't count.”

“Very nice.”

“No you know what I mean.”

“I do. But stop fretting. Everything's set. They're only staying the one night anyway.”

“Yeah okay.”

“You'll tire yourself out before they even get here.”

“I'm alright. I feel much better for an early night.”

“Good. Up to walking the dogs then?”

“When will they get here?”

“Bout eleven, so we've plenty of time.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Come on then.”

Mark ducked in and gave Seb a kiss before releasing him so they could gather up the dogs to take them out to kill time until their visitors arrived.

 

 

 

There was a knock on the door and Seb leapt up off the sofa so fast Mark had to laugh. Seb was as excited as a little kid. It was sweet though. Mark was glad he'd thought of this and Jenson and Jess had been so eager in responding and dropping everything to rush over to see them.

Seb opened the front door to see the waiting couple on their front doorstep. Behind them a taxi peeled away off the drive and Mark wondered if he oughtn't to have offered to go and collect them from the airport, but it was too late now.

Jenson stared at Sebastian in front of him, Mark slightly behind with a hand casually resting on Seb's shoulder as they stood there.

“Hey,” greeted Sebastian, breaking the silence.

“Hey. Bloody hell. God it's good to see you,” replied Jenson, almost overwhelmed at the sight of Seb stood there.

“Hey Jense, Jess, you want to come in then?” smiled Mark.

 

They took a few steps back into the hallway to allow them in. Before Jenson even had chance to put down their bags Jessica had pushed past him to wrap herself around a slightly startled Sebastian and without saying a word promptly burst into tears. Seb looked out at Mark and Jenson who were both smiling over and had no idea what to say. He patted Jess on the back then gave her a hug before she finally let go of him, taking a step away and wiping at her face, shaking her head then looking at Sebastian before crying some more.

“Jense?” appealed Sebastian.

Jenson put his arm around his wife and gave her a half-hug.

“She's fine. You're fine aren't you love?”

“Yeah, yeah I'm fine, I'm fine. Seb you're really okay aren't you sweetie?”

“I'm okay, really, well you know, miles better.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” nodded Jessica, reaching over to give him a rub on the arm as if she was consoling him and not the other way around.

Seb smiled and gave her another hug.

“I'm really okay Jess. I'm okay.”

Jess stepped back and took a deep breath, giving him another nod before turning to Mark.

“And _you?_ Ach.”

She reached up and gave Mark a hug as well.

Jenson smiled at Sebastian.

“Well I'm not being left out on all this, come here you.”

He pulled Seb into a very firm hug. Sebastian was starting to feel slightly squashed by all this unbridled affection. He caught Mark's eye as Jessica let go of him and saw him smiling over. It was impossible not to feel good when their friends were so happy to see them.

 

“Put him down mate,” teased Mark.

Jenson let Seb go and grinned.

“I'm only borrowing him, don't worry.”

Jenson turned and gave Mark a hearty hug, slapping his back.

“Don't take it the wrong way when I say I was very glad not to see you last weekend,” commented Jenson.

“Thanks,” replied Mark, knowing what his friend meant.

Jess had gone back to standing by Seb's side, keeping a hand on his arm. She shook her head at Mark.

“Silly thing, what were you thinking going last time?”

“I wasn't,” admitted Mark, not wishing to remember that mistake.

“Yeah well never mind,” settled Jenson, “you look miles better now, you both look good. It's great to see you. So glad you asked us over finally. Jess has been nagging me for weeks.”

“Ah no I haven't. We both wanted to come. We're just happy you asked,” explained Jess.

“It's really nice to see you,” settled Seb.

“Right, come on, let's have a nice calming cup of tea shall we?” suggested Mark.

He led them through to the kitchen, pushing back the dogs who they had shut in there before answering the door to prevent them pouncing on their guests too enthusiastically. Mark considered that there had been quite enough of that going on already.

 

 

They spent some time chatting over their drinks as they sat at the kitchen table. Mark got Jenson to tell him how things had gone with the team at the race he had just missed and Jenson guessed that it was to avoid concentrating too much on how things had been going here. Jess remained sat by Sebastian, keeping her hand on his arm and Seb couldn't help feeling she was fussing more than his sisters had.

“So we were thinking,” started Mark, “once we've got you sorted we can have a spot of lunch here and then I don't know what you fancy, maybe just have a little stroll out while the weather's nice and then we could head out to one of the pubs that do some decent tucker round here later on?”

“Sounds good,” agreed Jenson.

 

They did just that, settling their visitors in one of the spare rooms near the guest bathroom upstairs. Sebastian was enjoying himself showing them around the house seeing as Jessica had never been here before and Mark was happy to see him playing the role of host.

“So this is our room,” explained Sebastian, opening the door and waving in, “and this is the other bathroom opposite.”

“Very nice,” agreed Jess politely.

“Mm, we've far more room than we really need, but it's nice to have space.”

Jessica nodded.

“Think you could fit our whole apartment in your kitchen and lounge,” she noted only faintly ruefully. “Couldn't we Jense?”

“Hm? Oh yeah. Well, Monaco, you know,” he conceded, still oddly distracted by the notion of Seb casually showing them the bedroom he shared with Mark. He wondered why when of course he knew they lived together. Perhaps it was just a little strange to be confronted with the reality of it. One thing was for sure, there was no way Sebastian had only been living here for a couple of months, he was far too comfortably at home for that to be true.

 

Returning downstairs Mark let Sebastian continue his guided tour, smiling to see how much Seb was enjoying himself.

“And then we're back in kitchen and that's about it,” rounded off Seb.

The dogs had rejoined the group as soon as they got downstairs and Jenson was ducked down with them giving them an enthusiastic rub down, the dogs happily responding.

“You have a lovely house,” praised Jessica.

“Thanks,” replied Seb and Mark as one, making Jenson laugh as they did so.

“Yeah I should point out that our housekeeper is mostly responsible for keeping it in shape,” admitted Mark.

“Domestic bliss then?” commented Jenson.

Mark smiled and merely gave his friend a little flick upwards of his eyebrows in reply.

“Oh hey did we tell you we're going to build an extension with a pool and a gym?” asked Sebastian.

“No mate, think you missed that out of the tour itinerary,” teased Jenson.

Jessica batted him on the arm to tell her husband off when she was pleased to see Seb being so animated and happy.

“That sounds exciting,” she agreed.

“Well we're only at the planning stage,” Mark added.

“Yeah but it's going to be great, do you want to see where we want to put it?” asked Seb not to be put off.

“Absolutely,” consented Jess.

“Yep, lead on Seb,” encouraged Jenson.

 

Sebastian lead them into the garden and started talking them through their plans, their visitors nodding along. Jenson grinned over at Mark.

“Sounds fantastic. Gotta admit you knock our little flat into a cocked hat. Never mind Seb, I'm thinking of moving in myself.”

Jessica pulled a mock offended face while the others laughed. Mark slung his arm around Sebastian as they stood there.

“All this is Seb's idea. It's going to be great.”

“Certainly sounds it,” agreed Jenson more sensibly.

“Thanks. Right, well are you guys hungry?”

“Sure.”

“Right then, let's see what we can rustle up for lunch,” offered Mark.

 

Two hours later after an unhurried lunch eaten in the kitchen they were in the hall sorting themselves out to go for a walk.

“Jess, you going to be okay in those shoes?” checked Sebastian looking at her pumps which were flat, but looked a little delicate.

“Oh, um, I think so. Is it muddy?” asked Jessica.

“Nah, dry coupla days, sure you'll be right. Bit breezy though,” noted Mark, eyeing her thin jacket.

“Do you want to borrow one of my coats?” asked Seb.

He pulled out a couple and Jess tried one on. Seb might be broader than her but it wasn't a bad fit.

“You gonna be okay JB?”

“Me? Yep. British mate, prepared for all occasions,” insisted Jenson pulling on his own coat.

They fitted the leads on the dogs to take them along and headed on out.

 

Mark walked along holding Simba's lead, pulling him over to the left to try to stop him tripping Jenson up. He looked ahead to where Seb and Jess seemed to be happily chatting away walking a few yards in front and thought once more what a good call it had been to ask their friends to stay.

“Really appreciate you guys coming over,” thanked Mark.

“Thanks for asking us,” replied Jenson.

“Bit out of the blue I know.”

Jenson shrugged.

“No prob. To be honest I know I tease Jessy, but we've been hoping you'd ask us at some point. It's so good to see Seb looking well.”

“Yeah.”

“And you too of course.”

“Mm.”

Jenson looked across at Mark.

“You are doing okay aren't you?” he asked, quietly enough that his voice wouldn't carry to the pair ahead.

“Hm? Oh yeah you know, much better.”

“Been tough though?” guessed his friend.

Mark nodded.

“Much worse for him of course, but it's tough just watching and not being able to do anything to help,” Mark explained.

Jenson raised a sceptical eyebrow.

“Don't believe that for a minute. I'm certain you help a lot.”

“Well, yeah maybe I suppose, but I wish I could do more.”

“Yeah I'm sure.”

“I know he's got to do it for himself and it is good that he's back in training and working on getting back to racing, but...”

Mark sighed and looked ahead at Seb before looking to Jenson and confessing.

“It's hard, you know, to have to stand back and watch him put himself through all that.”

“Yeah I'll bet. He's having a hard time then?”

“He's just pushing so hard, killing himself in the gym and now in the sim as well.” Mark stopped himself. “This is strictly between us, right?”

“Of course.”

“Not DC or...”

“Mark I'm not going to gossip about any of this, okay? I wouldn't do that,” Jenson defended.

JB loved a good gossip, but he didn't need telling that this was out of bounds.

“Of course mate, sorry, yeah I know.”

“I've not told anyone what we spoke about in Austin. I mean I talked to Andreas, but I didn't tell him all you said.”

“No I know. It's fine, really. I wanted to say thank you again for that. You were a good friend and I was a mess.”

“Yeah, well anyway. I might have had a little chat with Jessy, but that doesn't count, right?” Jenson checked.

Mark smiled.

“Nah, guess other halves don't count. Gotta talk to someone right?”

“Right.”

Both of them looked at their respective other halves in front of them. Jenson gave Mark a smile and indicated with his head that they should catch them up so they could all walk together.

 

 

 

 

The foursome sat in one of the more upmarket pubs in the local countryside. It was busy on a Saturday night but thankfully the building was old and their table was tucked away in one of the many nooks and crannies that made up the place so they were hidden away from too many prying eyes and could relax and enjoy themselves as they chatted over their meal.

The waitress came over and cleared their plates, asking if anyone wanted desert to a chorus of polite no's. Jenson laughed.

“Too many lost causes here, I'm afraid.”

The girl left and Jenson smiled out at the group.

“When I eventually retire I think I'm going to live on sticky toffee pudding and get stupendously fat.”

Everyone laughed and Mark shook his head.

“Bet you don't. You'll be one of those mad old guys still doing triathlons in your seventies.”

Jessica rolled her eyes.

“Don't give him ideas. Right, I'm popping to the bathroom, back in a mo.”

She got up and walked away past the bar. Jenson picked up the bottle of wine to top up their glasses only to find there was less in it than he'd presumed.

“Should've asked the girl,” noted Mark.

He leaned forwards from his place on the upholstered bench where he sat with Seb on the far side of the table to see if she was around, but as they were in an alcove he couldn't see very far over.

“I'll go. Same again?” offered Jenson.

“Yep, cheers.”

“Designated driver, you sticking to water?”

Sebastian nodded and Jenson went over to place their order.

 

Mark sat back and turned to Seb.

“Having a good time?”

“Yeah. Really nice. It's like being at a race weekend all together but minus the stress.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah, know what you mean. Glad I asked them then?”

“Course. Nice to forget about everything for a bit.”

“Good.”

Mark slung his arm around Sebastian and gave him a kiss on the cheek, pleased to see him so relaxed and happy even if he was still being careful not to drink.

 

Jenson came back over carrying a bottle of wine and fresh glass of water which he passed to Sebastian before pouring refills for the other three as he sat down. He raised a glass.

“Cheers.”

The other two echoed his move, Sebastian smiling as he regarded his drink.

“Not sure you can do this with water.”

Jenson shrugged.

“Ah well.”

“Not missing your cocktails JB?” teased Mark.

“Ah well, nice drop of plonk, I'm not exactly suffering here,” smiled Jenson in reply.

“We're not very rock and roll,” allowed Seb.

“Yeah this must be a bit of a contrast with the high life in Monte Carlo,” added Mark.

“It's nice to do something different and to be back in Blighty for once.”

“Do you miss it?” wondered Seb.

“England? Yeah I guess. Don't always miss the weather mind.”

“Weather's been nice so far,” countered Mark.

“True. Must've brought it with us.”

“You don't mind us not doing anything very exciting do you?” wondered Sebastian.

“Hm? No this is great.”

Sebastian looked over a little trying to see if Jessica was coming back over.

“Jess is alright being dragged out for walks isn't she? I know it's probably not her thing.”

“Nah she's fine. Maybe if it was pouring with rain she might not be quite so keen.”

Mark smiled.

“Good job it's been nice then seeing as there's not much else to do around here. I did warn you we're pretty boring.”

Jenson shook his head.

“Nice weekend buried in the English countryside with good friends. Perfect.”

 

Jessica had returned to the table and pulled out her chair to sit by her husband opposite the other couple.

“What's perfect?” she asked, trying to catch up.

“This is. Nice quiet weekend in good company,” related Jenson.

“Ah, yes course it is. I'd say you should come to visit us sometime, but I don't know where we'd put you,” Jess continued.

Sebastian frowned a little so she explained.

“No spare room.”

“Really?”

“Nope, the flat's basically a postage stamp.”

“Lovely views though,” added Jenson.

“Well that's nice,” agreed Seb.

“Not for you though?” asked Jenson.

Mark gave a shake of his head and Sebastian smiled at him before replying for both of them.

“No, not for us. We're happy here.”

 

Jenson nodded and raised his glass again. It was only too obvious how settled the pair of them were.

The pub was not the sort to hustle their patrons on by rushing over with the bill, so they sat working their way through their drinks and chatting some more. As it got later Sebastian began to lean more into Mark's side and Jenson caught his wife's eye sharing a smile to see them this way again; the way they casually called one another 'darling' and 'Liebling'. Without saying anything Jenson saw the way Jessy thought it was sweet. It occurred to him that the only good consequence he could think of resulting from Sebastian's accident was that at least the world ought to fully understand how serious their relationship was now and not make jokes about it any more. That stolen photograph of the two of them in the ICU in Italy had made both him and Jess hopping mad but you'd have to be blind to not have seen the level of devotion apparent between Mark and Seb.

 

Mark finished his wine and Jenson lifted the bottle to see if there was more but Mark shook his head.

“No more for me thanks mate. Think this has gone to my head already.”

Sebastian tipped his head around to grin at him.

“Not going to have to carry you home am I Liebling?”

Mark huffed a laugh and Jess and Jenson looked curious.

“I'd think Mark might be a bit heavy for you Seb,” noted Jess, getting a laugh in reply that only made her and Jenson more intrigued.

“What?” pressed Jenson, guessing there was a story there.

“Ah well I may have had a drink or two...”

“..or ten,” threw in Sebastian, grinning.

“Or ten,” allowed Mark. “On holiday. Although frankly I still blame Raymond for that.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Who's Raymond?” asked Jess, wondering what the joke was.

“Ah just some local fella we met on holiday. Ran a bar and attempted to poison me with those cocktails you're so fond of.”

“Mark has a very delicate constitution, don't you Liebling?” teased Seb.

“Nothing to do with how many you had then?” suggested Jenson.

“Absolutely not.”

Mark looked over at their visitors as he continued.

“I may have over-indulged somewhat and poor Seb had to help haul me back along the beach to where we were staying.”

“You didn't actually carry him?” asked Jess in disbelief.

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“No. Don't think I'd have managed that somehow.”

“We nearly had to sleep on the beach didn't we sweetheart?” added Mark.

“Nearly. No chance I'd be able to put you over my shoulder.”

The two of them laughed harder and Jenson looked to Jess wondering what else they were missing.

“Okay you don't get to say a thing like that without explaining,” prompted Jenson.

Mark grinned and looked to Seb getting an imperceptible nod in reply giving him the go-ahead.

“We were in Japan last year and Seb decided to sample the local spirits.”

“I still have no idea what it was,” contributed Sebastian.

“It didn't agree with you did it darling?”

“No.”

“Anyway we were wandering the streets of Tokyo trying to get back to our hotel and I may have threatened to put Seb over my shoulder at some point if he didn't make more effort.” Mark grinned over. “I did have to pick him up off the floor of the lift on the way up by the time we got to the hotel.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and shook his head.

“So embarrassing. The hangover the next day...”

“I'm not sure I was terribly sympathetic,” admitted Mark.

“You went and got me coffee.”

“Ah true, but you were far nicer to me when we were away.”

“Maybe I'm just a nicer person?” teased Seb.

“Must be it,” Mark agreed.

Seb looked at the couple opposite.

“Not really. Through all this, Mark's been incredible.”

“Nah.”

“Yeah you have.”

Sebastian turned back in to look at him and they found themselves staring at one another. Mark smiled and affectionately touched the tip of Seb's nose with his finger for a second, getting him to smile back before they broke the moment and looked back at their friends.

“Anyway, safe to say I don't think either one of us want to be getting trashed again any time soon,” completed Mark.

 

Jenson nodded but in his head he was wondering when they had been in Japan together. A year ago? Wasn't Mark at the race with Seb? Jenson was pretty sure he had been. He opened his mouth to ask and then caught Jessica's eye, silently telling him to leave it.

“I don't drink much either,” commented Jess moving things along.

“Good job one of us is sensible,” agreed Jenson. “Speaking of which I think I've had enough for one night too. Jessy?”

“Mm, me too.”

“You fancy heading back?”

“Yeah think that's a good idea,” agreed Mark, Seb nodding in turn.

 

 

 

 

Jenson finished getting ready for bed and climbed in next to Jess.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I'm pretty tired,” admitted Jessica.

“Mm.”

Jenson settled himself down next to her.

“Doesn't sound like there's any hurry to get up in the morning so I think we can have a lie-in,” he suggested.

“I need it.”

“Me too. Bit of a mad dash over this morning, but you're glad we came aren't you?” Jenson checked.

“Of course I am. It's such a relief to see they're okay.”

“Mm, well I think they've a way to go yet, but yeah.”

“They're so adorable together,” commented Jess.

Jenson grinned.

“I'm not sure I'd use that phrase.”

“Ah they are though and they've been through such a nightmare. It's lovely to see them all happy and snuggled up together this evening.”

“I'm amazed you let Seb go at last.”

“Hm?”

“You've barely left his side since we got here.”

“I've just been so worried about him.”

“Yeah I know love, me too.”

“I just...” Jess shook her head slightly. “There's just something about Seb that makes me want to look after him, especially now.”

“I think Mark feels the same way.”

“Well that's hardly surprising.”

“No.”

“Anyway, I suspect that's not all Mark feels towards him.”

“No I'm pretty sure you're right there,” Jenson agreed.

They settled down to sleep, Jenson unable to help himself wondering once again if that little story about them being in Japan meant Mark and Seb had been together then. It certainly sounded like it. Not the weekend for questioning them, that much he knew.

 

 

 

Mark took a drink of water before climbing into bed and switching out the light.

“Think I might be a bit tipsy,” he admitted.

Sebastian smiled over from where he lay facing him in the darkness.

“You going to have a hangover in the morning?”

“Hmm, hope not, only had a few glasses. Maybe I'm just tired.”

“Yeah.”

Mark shuffled up closer until they were lying pressed together. He raised his hand and stroked it through Seb's hair then down all the way to caress the skin on his upper arm. He let out a long sighed 'hmmmm'.

“Okay?” checked Seb.

“Mmmm,” replied Mark drowsily.

He moved his head in to kiss Sebastian, the moment deepening as their mouths parted and tongues tangled lazily until they ran out of air. Sebastian relaxed into the touch of Mark's hand on his arm and pressed further into him feeling something that had been lost for too long, desire reawakening as he finally forgot he had worries and problems and felt more like himself for the first time in an eternity. Seb slid his hand to stroke along Mark's side, veering lower as they kissed again.

Mark was losing himself in the sensation until he felt Seb move slightly against him and he sighed and pulled away. _Too soon, it was still too soon,_ he thought sleepily. He turned onto his back and let out a long sigh.

Sebastian felt him move away, his hand slipping as Mark turned so it now sat on his stomach. He frowned in the darkness wondering what was wrong.

“Mark?” whispered Seb.

Mark had allowed his eyes to close and the moment he had done so the alcohol flowing through his system hit in and he was drifting.

Sebastian pushed himself up on one elbow trying to look at him.

“ _Mark?”_ he tried again.

Mark mumbled something then let out another sigh before his breathing became heavier and Sebastian sighed. Mark was asleep already. Seb dropped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He'd thought something was happening there. Then again maybe with their friends just down the corridor the timing wasn't right anyway. He shifted back over and rested his head against the top of Mark's arm, stretching his hand up from Mark's middle to sit on his chest feeling the comforting way it rose and fell. This was nice, he should be happy with this, for now anyway. Maybe they could talk when their friends had gone home? Seb closed his eyes and let himself drift away to join Mark asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were in the kitchen mid-morning the next day. Mark and Seb had got up early and taken the dogs out for a quick blow so Mark could try to clear his muggy head. Sebastian had lightly tapped on their guests' door but got no reply as they were still fast asleep. So they'd left them a note on the kitchen table telling them they'd be back very soon and they were welcome to help themselves but on returning half an hour later Jenson was only just emerging and Jess still in the shower. He entered the kitchen to find Mark making tea whilst Seb gave the dogs a rub and a feed.

“Ah you're up,” greeted Mark.

“Mm, yeah think I might have had one more glass than I ought to last night,” admitted Jenson.

Sebastian stood up and smiled. He'd already teased Mark enough about that.

“Need some paracetamol?”

“Hm, oh no. Think the lie-in's taken care of it. Bit of fresh air couldn't hurt.”

“Ah, well we thought the same so we've already taken the dogs out.”

“Oh I see.”

“Fancy some breakfast?” offered Mark.

“Certainly do.”

Jess wandered in having taken her time drying her hair.

“Morning.”

There was a chorus of greetings.

“Turns out these two have already been out,” noted Jenson.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah sorry. Hope you didn't feel abandoned?” checked Sebastian.

Jenson grinned.

“Well seeing as we didn't even notice I think you're okay.”

“Good point.”

“We're making breakfast,” repeated Mark.

“Ooh I'd kill for a coffee,” requested Jess.

“That we can manage,” agreed Seb cheerily.

 

They sorted out breakfast and Jenson noticed the time.

“Nearly eleven. That's pretty tardy for us.”

“Oh we're allowed a lazy Sunday,” argued Jessica.

“Absolutely,” concurred Mark. “Now then we were having a think and Seb's offered to make lunch, so I wondered if you fancied having a little ride seeing as it's still nice out?”

Jenson nodded approval but Seb saw Jessica's hesitation.

“I reckon the bike my brother used would fit you, but if you don't fancy it do you want to give me a hand instead?”

Mark almost laughed at the relieved look on her face to be given an out.

“Oh yes I'm sure I'd be better off helping here,” Jess agreed.

“Just you and me then JB?”

“Seems like. You got a bike for me?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Mark's got enough bikes for half the grid piled up in the garage.”

“You can have my old bike while I give Seb's lovely flash new one a go.”

“Ah yes, how's that working out for you?” smiled Jenson, remembering Seb's appeal for advice on getting Mark's birthday present.

“Well to be honest it's not had as much use as it might have.”

Jenson nodded thinking about why that was.

“Yeah, sounds like a plan.”

“Great, well you should be right on my old bike, we're about the same height.”

 

Mark looked over to Seb.

“You sure you're alright staying home playing domestic goddess?” he half-teased.

Sebastian nodded.

“Course. You trust me not to burn it?”

“Psh, I'm sure it'll be great.”

Mark got up and patted Jenson on the shoulder.

“Right come on big guy, let's see if you gave good advice on my new bike.”

Sebastian and Jess got up and cleared away while the other two went up to change and left them to it.

 

Sebastian washed up the few plates and cups while Jess made them fresh drinks.

“You sure I can't do anything?” she asked.

“No I'm fine.”

Seb looked for the ingredients in the fridge and put them out on the counter.

“Salmon's okay right?” He checked.

“Lovely.”

Jessica smiled over at him and offered Seb a mug of coffee.

“Thanks.”

“You used to say you were no good at cooking,” noted Jessica.

“Ah well this is the simplest thing in the world. All I have to do is put it on a baking tray and chop up loads of veg to go around it, then stick some foil over the top. Even I can manage that.”

“Well it sounds great,” praised Jess.

“Oh and new potatoes, don't let me forget those. Antti's trying to feed me up.”

Jessica laughed.

“How alarming.”

“Yes it is a bit. Anyway lunch won't take long.”

Jess nodded. She didn't comment that Seb really did look as though he needed feeding up a bit. She didn't think he looked too bad in the circumstances, but Seb definitely needed something. Maybe a little more sunshine might help? It really was a shame that they didn't live near them in Monaco but Jessica could see how happy Mark and Sebastian were living here so that didn't seem likely.

 

They sat back down at the table.

“Sorry if we're all a bit rural here,” apologised Sebastian.

“No it's lovely. Very peaceful. I can see why you like it.”

“Yeah I do like it. Nice to get completely away from all the rushing about.”

“Plus this place has Mark,” smiled Jess.

Sebastian coughed over his drink.

“Well that too. Also it might feel like we're in the middle of nowhere, but we're actually pretty handy for the factory.”

Jess nodded.

“Should I ask how that's all going or would you rather forget about it for the weekend?”

Seb shrugged and scrunched his face.

 

“Tough going?” she guessed.

“Mmm.”

“Yeah. Well you'll get there sweetie.”

“I guess I am making progress but it feels like two steps forward, three steps back all the time,” Seb admitted.

“I think any steps are good,” encouraged Jess.

Seb raised an eyebrow.

“You've no idea how true that is.”

He paused and sipped his drink before confessing.

“When I first came home I couldn't even walk upstairs without Mark's help.”

Jessica shook her head in disbelief.

“And now you're back in training to go racing again?”

“Yeah.”

She smiled and reached over a hand to pat Seb's arm.

“You're incredible.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“What else am I gonna do? I've got to get back racing.”

“Yeah that's kinda my point. Tough as nails.”

“I don't feel very tough.”

“You are though.”

“I couldn't do any of it without Mark. I think it might be harder for him.”

“Well that's because he loves you chick.”

“Yeah. He really is amazing. In the hospital, when I didn't remember stuff...”

Seb looked down, then up again as he decided to confide in her.

“I didn't know where I was a lot and Mark just held on to me until I felt safe.”

Jess swallowed and nodded, trying not to let on how upsetting that description was.

“That must have been so scary.”

“Yeah. I don't even really remember being in Italy, just being scared and Mark being there. My parents I guess too, but it's pretty blurry. I remember being in the hospital over here but I still...”

Seb looked into Jess's understanding face and braved carrying on.

“...I still got really confused all the time and the only thing that made it okay was Mark being there. I'd wake up and not know anything except him.”

“Oh Seb.”

“I mean I did know some stuff, but not enough, not where we were or why and it was really frightening.”

Jessica slipped her hand into Seb's and gave it a squeeze.

“Of course it was. How awful. I'm so sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“No, but still.”

Sebastian gave her a little acknowledging nod.

“Mark never left me.”

“Course he didn't.”

“He even... he slept in the bed with me,” Seb confessed.

“In the hospital bed?”

Seb nodded.

“In the Radcliffe. Yeah. I mean I did have my own room of course.”

“How did you fit?”

Sebastian huffed a tiny laugh.

“We squeezed in, the nurses pretended not to notice. They were lovely.”

“I'm glad to hear it,” Jess noted.

“It was so when I woke up he was already holding onto me and I wouldn't be quite so afraid.”

 

Jess nodded again then brushed away an escaping tear. She got up and went round the table to lean down and give Seb a proper hug. Seb looked up at her as she let go.

“You won't tell anyone, will you?” he asked a little anxiously.

“No sweetheart. I won't, I promise.”

She gave him another hug then took a deep breath and sat herself back down.

“I love him so much.”

“Yeah, course you do,” agreed Jess. “God, you guys kill me. All you've been through.”

She gave a shake of her head.

“You know one day you two might actually catch a break.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Would be nice for once.”

“I think you're owed one.”

“Mm.”

“It's all going to come right for you in the end. I just know it,” asserted Jessica.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah one day soon.”

Seb sent her an ironic smile.

“You couldn't hurry that day up for us could you?”

Jess smiled back, she really wished she could.

 

 

 

 

Mark and Jenson sat on a grassy bank at the top of a hill, their bikes dumped down beside them while they had a drink and a little rest.

Jenson smiled over at his friend.

“How's your head?”

Mark shrugged.

“Not too bad. You?”

“Yeah better than when I woke up this morning,” allowed Jenson.

Mark nodded.

“To be honest mate I don't really want to complain about it, not when I know what Seb's been suffering with.”

Jenson's expression turned more serious as he thought about that.

“No, of course not. Is he still getting headaches?”

“Not as often but yeah.”

“Yeah.” Jenson nodded. “Bad?”

“Sometimes. I don't know, obviously it's not as bad as before, but it's still pretty rotten. I just hate seeing him like that when there's nothing I can do to help. He takes his painkillers but all we can really do is wait it out.”

Jenson nodded again, wondering what he could say to help.

“What do the doctors say?”

Mark shrugged.

“He is doing better, miles better really. I mean when I think back to how he was, of course it's better.”

“So that's good. He does seem alright.”

“Mmm, well it comes and goes. Of course he's happy you guys are here.”

“That's good I guess, but other times?”

“Not so great. He's trying so hard to get back to racing he can't help himself pushing too hard and over-does it.”

“Sounds about right,” agreed Jenson thinking about how hard-working Sebastian always was.

“Yeah,” sighed Mark.

“And you feel helpless?” Jenson guessed.

“Mm. I mean of course I want to encourage him and I feel really bad telling him to slow down and not push too hard.”

“But you worry?”

“Yeah. He comes back from training and he's exhausted, he's putting in hour after hour on the sim...”

“No wonder he's getting headaches.”

“Exactly, so I want to stop that happening, but the only alternative seems to be holding him back and I just can't do that. I can't be that person.”

“No. Ah Mark, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place aren't you?”

“Yeah pretty much sums it up.”

Jenson let out a long sigh.

“I don't know mate, the only thing I can say is that you've got to think where's he come from and how much better he is now.”

Mark nodded, the comparison was at least encouraging.

“And it might be tough, but when you get there, when Seb really is properly better, cos he is going to be mate I'm sure, this will all be long gone.”

“It just seems almost impossible to get to the other side,” Mark admitted.

“But you will, cos this is Seb we're talking about isn't it?”

Mark smiled at that.

“Yeah guess there's that.”

“So hang on to that, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark took in a deep breath and sighed it out.

“Sorry, all I seem to do lately is moan at you.”

Jenson shook his head.

“Are you kidding? Mark mate, you're not moaning. Jesus, you're allowed to talk. You know you can call me any time if it helps?”

“Thanks.”

“What about the rest of it?” encouraged Jenson. “Is he remembering things now?”

“Most things, not everything. Some things I wish he didn't remember.”

Jenson frowned over but Mark just gave a little shake of his head indicating that he couldn't go into that and Jenson knew well enough not to push.

“He still doesn't remember the crash or anything around then,” Mark continued.

“No?”

Mark shook his head.

“No I think that's just gone.”

“Probably for the best,” offered Jenson, trying to sound more positive.

“Yeah, think you're right.”

“What about the team, how've they been?”

“Hm? Yeah RedBull's been really supportive, they're trying not to put any pressure on him.”

“That's good, but I kinda meant our team, Porsche. Have they been alright about you staying home with Seb?”

“Oh, yeah, since I finally got round to properly talking to Andreas, or more to the point you did, things have been much better. He's promised me there's not going to be any trouble, you know with the board and that.

“Good, I should bloody well hope so.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at his friend's attitude.

“He said Matthias his given me his backing, so at least that's one thing I don't need to be worrying about.”

“Good.”

“Had anyone said anything? You know at the races?” wondered Mark.

“Oh well they've asked about you, but everyone understands of course.”

“You're sure?”

“Of course, and before you ask, Timo and Brendon are totally fine. They miss you, but it's fine.”

“Thanks. Yeah I have exchanged a few texts with them, but that's good to know.”

“Yeah. So just put that to one side and concentrate on Seb.”

Mark huffed an ironic laugh.

“I think that's all I am doing at the moment, even if it doesn't feel much like I'm doing a lot to really help.”

“Well I'm sure you are. Seb's pretty clear on that mate, so I don't think you need to have any doubts on that score.”

“Mm spose.”

“Well isn't his opinion what's most important? To you I mean?”

Mark considered that. Of course that was true.

“Yeah, course it is.”

“So then, case closed,” completed Jenson.

Mark nodded.

“Okay you win. I suppose you do make sense there.”

“Excellent, not just a pretty face am I?”

Mark gave him a wry smile.

“Not sure I'd even give you that.”

“Ooh _burn_ and I thought we were friends?” teased Jenson.

Mark looked at him more seriously.

“We are. You're a really good friend, Jess too. You've picked us both up after not the easiest of weeks, so thank you.”

“No bother,” dismissed Jenson. “Right come on, while we're gassing up here there's probably a perfectly good lunch going cold waiting for us.”

“Head back then?”

“Yep.”

They raised themselves up off the grass and retrieved their bikes but before they set off Mark gave his friend a solid pat on the arm and a nod and Jenson nodded back. It meant a lot.

 

 

 

 

 

Back at the house Mark and Jenson had changed and come back down to the kitchen to see how things were progressing. Mark smiled to see how proud Sebastian was to be organising everything for their lunch.

“Got everything in hand then?” he checked.

“Yep, just be a few minutes.”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“You're not going to check to see if it's burning?”

Mark shook his head.

“Nope. It all smells great. Think you've got this cooking malarkey down.”

He gave Seb a teasing wink and Sebastian smiled even wider feeling a silly little thrill at it and wondering if it was even sillier to feel proud of the fact he was taking charge of making their Sunday lunch.

“Right, well why don't I sort drinks then? What does everyone want?” offered Mark.

“Oh thanks, just water I think,” Jess replied.

“Jense?”

“Same.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah me too. Think I had enough last night.”

Sebastian went over to Mark's side and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You're okay aren't you?”

“Fine. Much better for a ride out.”

“You guys alright eating in here or shall we push the boat out and use the dining room?”

“We're fine here aren't we Jessy?”

“Of course. Nice to be comfortable and at home,” she agreed.

 

Mark was busy pouring glasses of water before returning the large bottle to the fridge.

“There you go.”

“Cheers mate.”

“Thanks.”

Mark passed a glass to Sebastian as well and they stood for a moment gathering themselves.

“Right. I just need to drain the potatoes and we're good to go,” stated Seb, turning down the oven and checking the time.

 

Jenson could see that they were excess to requirements. He turned to Jess.

“Why don't we go sort our stuff out?”

Jessica nodded and they left them to it, returning downstairs ten minutes later to find their hosts industriously getting their meal ready.

“Can I at least lay the table?” offered Jess.

Sebastian shook his head.

“You're our guests,” he insisted.

Jess smiled and nodded seeing that Seb wanted to play host properly. She looked at her husband.

“I notice you're not offering,” she chided.

Jenson shrugged.

“Think they've got it.”

“We have,” agreed Mark.

 

A few minutes later they sat down to eat, happily chatting away again as Mark and Sebastian made sure their visitors were well looked after and ticking off the dogs for trying to push in to filch food from them.

“Go sit down boys, Jess doesn't want you bothering her,” scolded Mark.

Jenson laughed, giving the dogs a stroke as they slinked back past him over to their corner.

“What a mean daddy you have.”

“So mean,” teased Sebastian.

Mark rolled his eyes and changed the subject.

“You guys got much coming up?”

“I'm in Paris next week,” Jess replied.

“Are you? Very glamorous,” suggested Seb.

“Doing a fourteen hour day filming some adverts,” she explained wryly.

“ _Less_ glamorous,” laughed Jenson.

“What about you JB?” asked Mark.

“Nothing so exciting, just training, building up to our next outing in China.”

Mark nodded and glanced at Sebastian. Jenson noticed the look.

 

“Should I ask if you're likely to be with us in China?”

There was another longer look passed between them before Mark answered.

“Mm, we're not sure yet.”

Jenson nodded slowly, wondering if he should ask more. So far they had largely avoided talk of Seb getting back to work.

“We're not a hundred percent sure where I'll be by then,” admitted Sebastian.

“Ah, I see.”

Jenson could see in his wife's expression a note telling him to shut up and he knew better than to cross her but Sebastian continued.

“Thing is I've been working on everything but I've still got a way to go.”

“Of course, well no rush,” allowed Jenson.

Mark raised an eyebrow to Seb at that idea. Not rushing things didn't seem to be on Seb's agenda.

“I might be doing a test this week,” Sebastian explained.

“A test?” queried Jessica.

“In the car, to see how I get on.”

Mark wanted to say something about that, but decided it was best not to have that conversation in front of their friends.

“That's strictly confidential by the way,” Mark pointed out.

“Course,” nodded Jenson.

“It sounds like a really positive move,” praised Jess, “I'm sure you'll do great.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah me too mate, good luck with it.”

Jenson caught Mark's eye and suspected that Mark might need even more luck watching Seb doing that.

 

 

 

A while later Seb and Jenson sat in the lounge while Mark insisted on washing up and Jess had disappeared upstairs to re-check that she had properly put things away in her bag (for reasons Jenson couldn't fathom, but knew better than to question). Each of them was sat with a coffee in one hand, the dogs piled at Seb's feet seeing as Mark was unjustly ignoring them while he was busy in the kitchen. It amused Jenson to see how attached to Sebastian they were. They seemed as clear as Mark was that Seb was part of the family here.

“Thanks again for coming,” offered Seb.

“No bother, it's been nice. We'll have to do this more often, maybe when you've built that swish fitness suite.”

“Fitness suite?”

“Sounds good don't you think?” smiled Jenson.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Guess it does. You should be an estate agent.”

Jenson laughed.

“And give up jet-setting around the world being a racing driver? No you're alright, I'm stick this out for a while.”

“Mmm,” agreed Sebastian.

Jenson saw a far-away look in his eye and wondered whether to probe.

“Do you miss it?” he asked.

Sebastian huffed out a breath then smiled.

“Yeah. I think so, I mean yes of course I do. Not the trekking about and the media and some of the stress, but yeah the actual driving, racing, yeah I do miss that.”

Jenson nodded.

“Good. Glad that's not changed.”

“I don't know how I'm going to do though.”

“Hm?”

“When I get back. I guess... I mean I don't know if I'll be the same as I was before.”

Jenson frowned.

“Course you will.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. I mean maybe you might need to build up to it a little bit, get back in the swing of things. I wouldn't worry about that, not after what's happened, but course you'll get back. You're a racer Seb, it's in your bones.”

 

Sebastian nodded slowly, taking that in. He was a racer. If asked 'what are you?' the automatic answer would be 'a racing driver' every time. Seb couldn't imagine being anything else. Maybe when he retired he'd have to think of something, but not now, not while he was still young and had opportunities he knew many would kill for.

“Yeah, guess you're right,” he agreed.

“Listen mate, don't stress about it. I know you're working really hard to get back in the game, but I'm sure it'll all come good.”

“Thanks.”

“I'm sure it's tough?”

Seb gave a little shrug and a nod.

“Yeah.”

Jenson paused, wondering if he should say what was in his head.

“Don't take this the wrong way Seb, but if I'm entirely honest you're actually a lot better than I'd thought you might be.”

“Um, thanks I guess.”

“I meant it as a compliment. I mean training, sim work, in the factory all the time. That's a lot and you only got out of hospital, what five weeks ago?”

Seb gave a little tip of his head to acknowledge that was true.

“So that's a pretty remarkable recovery after such a serious accident,” continued Jenson.

“Well I don't think I'm there yet,” mitigated Seb.

“Course not, but you're going great guns. If you've improved this much in that time just think how much better you'll be going forwards.”

“Thanks, yeah I suppose that's a good way to look at it. I can't wait to get back to normal.”

Jenson shot him a smile.

“Yeah well racing drivers aren't known for their patience are they?”

“Guess not. I don't just mean for me though, I mean for Mark. I know it's a strain on him.”

Sebastian looked over at Jenson sat on the other sofa.

“I don't know what he's said to you?”

Jenson replied with a vague shrug and Seb smiled.

“It's okay. I'm glad he can talk to you. He does talk to me of course, but I know he doesn't want to make me feel bad. I know he worries.”

Jenson gave a tip of his head.

“What kind of person would he be if he didn't?”

Seb couldn't think of a reply. Mark not caring was unimaginable. Wasn't that a good thing?

 

“Look mate, Mark's had to go through all of this, the accident, the hospital, seeing how sick you were, coming home and having to try to help when he knows there's really not much he can do. That's tough. I know it's been tougher on you...”

“I'm not sure that's true,” interrupted Seb. “I think it might be worse for him.”

“Because he can't do what he wants to and either magic everything better or at least take some of what you're going through off you, he can't do that, but the fact that he wishes he could...”

Sebastian nodded.

“I know and I do appreciate it.”

“I'm sure he knows that too,” agreed Jenson, “and that's a lot, so when you get to the other side with all this, you've got that haven't you? You'll be stronger, both of you.”

Seb took a sip of his drink as he mulled that over. Mark always said he was strong, but to hear it from somebody else was quite something.

“Thanks.”

Jenson shrugged, he knew his job here this weekend was to try to do a little morale boosting. If that's what he could do then he should do it.

“Mark's really the only one who's been there the whole way,” Seb noted, thinking that was true not only of how things had been since the accident, but long before then.

“Yeah, well that's how it should be I suppose,” agreed Jenson.

“Mm, I mean my family some as well, but Mark always, I mean apart from when he went to the race, but he came back.”

“Of course he did, let's not count that shall we?”

“No. Thank you for what you did.”

“Any time,” offered Jenson.

Sebastian huffed a dry little laugh.

“Well hopefully there won't be another time.”

“No, good point.”

“But we do appreciate it and coming over this weekend with no notice. It's very good of you.”

Jenson pulled a face.

“Nonsense. We've been waiting to be invited. To be honest I wish we'd come before, Jess was desperate to come over and see you when you were in the hospital but we didn't want to intrude.”

“No well that's okay. I wasn't up to much then anyway. It's better that you're here now.”

“Good. If there's anything we can do to help you only have to ask you know. We might be a few hours away but you can always pick up the phone.”

“Thank you.”

“What are friends for, eh?”

 

Mark came through to join them. He set his coffee down and sat next to Sebastian on the sofa.

“Alright?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, everything's good.”

Sebastian turned his head as Jess walked back into the room. Jenson looked up at her.

“Had anything unpacked itself from your bag while you weren't looking then?” he teased.

Jess rolled her eyes and slumped into the seat next to him.

“You see what I have to put up with,” she complained to the other two.

Sebastian merely smiled back. He knew that under Jenson's jokey careless exterior there hid a very decent guy and for all their teasing he knew Jess understood that too.

 

 

 

Several hours later Mark and Sebastian stood on the doorstep waving their guests goodbye. Their offer to drive Jess and Jenson to the airport had been firmly rebuffed and both had to admit they were secretly relieved seeing as the whole point of the weekend was to relax and enjoy themselves and it probably wasn't too much of a hardship for them to get a taxi. Mark had his arm around Seb as they stood there and as the taxi pulled off the drive onto the road he gave him a squeeze then let go so they could turn back into the house.

They sat down on the sofa, the dogs crowding in to be fussed over after Mark and Sebastian had been paying more attention to their guests all weekend.

“Have we been neglecting you boys?” apologised Mark as he gave them a rub.

“Poor things,” agreed Sebastian joining in to pet them.

Once the dogs seemed satisfied they sat back, Sebastian settling into Mark's side.

 

“Thank you for asking them over.”

Mark turned more towards Seb.

“They've been asking long enough. Seemed cruel to keep them away forever.”

Sebastian smiled and pushed up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“I'm feeling so much better than I was on Friday.”

“Good.”

“I think it's been good to have a proper break.”

“Yeah, absolutely.”

“I feel like I've got much more energy.”

“Great.”

Sebastian wondered whether he should bring up what had happened last night, but they were so happy and comfortable right now he didn't want to complicate the moment.

“I do feel a tiny bit guilty for not doing any training,” Seb admitted.

“You didn't mind us leaving you behind this morning did you?”

“Hm? Oh no I don't mean that. No it was good to have a chat with Jess.”

“Well I think it's no bad thing for you to take some time off. I'm sure you'll be better for it.”

“Yeah. I was thinking, seeing as we're going to the hospital in the morning, do you fancy trying a run to the coffee shop first thing?”

Mark raised his eyebrows.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I'm not sure how fast I'll be, but we've got plenty of time haven't we?”

“Guess so. Yeah okay that'd be nice, let's do that then,” accepted Mark.

He saw the way Sebastian smiled and was glad to see how well this weekend had gone.

“Cup of tea?” Mark offered.

“I'll do it.”

Mark tried to protest but Sebastian shook his head.

“Okay. You're really feeling better?”

“Yes, I am Liebling. It was a really good idea to have them over.”

“Well I do have the odd one occasionally,” conceded Mark.

“You have lots of them.”

Sebastian gave him another kiss then pushed himself up to go through to the kitchen to make some tea. They could talk later, he wanted to keep things nice and simple for now.

 

 

 

 

 

They climbed into bed that night, setting alarms for the morning and each doing their best to hang onto that weekend feeling, shutting out thoughts of the challenges the week ahead presented. Mark shuffled down in the bed next to Seb and was about to switch off the light when Seb gave him a tiny shake of his head. Mark frowned.

“What?”

Sebastian stayed slightly propped up on his side as he looked at him.

“Just...”

Sebastian sighed, wondering why this was so difficult to talk about.

“Can we talk?”

Mark frowned a little. They talked all the time but when one of them announced it like that it always meant there was an issue.

“Um, sure.”

Mark turned on his side properly to look at Seb who paused only a moment before diving in.

“Last night you kissed me, I mean really kissed me and I thought it was going somewhere.”

Mark stopped at that. He'd known at the time that the alcohol had been affecting him.

“Think that wine went to my head.”

Sebastian's brow furrowed.

“What does that mean?”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno, I wasn't really thinking.”

“Oh so you wouldn't have kissed me otherwise?” accused Sebastian feeling hurt.

“ _Seb_.”

Mark sighed and reached over to stroke his hand over Sebastian's arm.

“Of course I meant to kiss you. I just mean I didn't want to get too carried away.”

Seb still didn't look happy.

“Carried away?”

“Well you know.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I don't think I do.”

“Come on sweetheart, you're still only just recovering.”

Sebastian looked crestfallen.

“I'm getting better now.”

“Of course you are but...”

“Don't you want me?”

Seb's voice cracked and he thought for a horrible moment that he might burst into tears. If he did that he'd only be proving to Mark that he _wasn't_ better, so he took a breath in and closed his eyes for a moment trying to keep it together. Mark pushed in closer, seeing Seb was upset and feeling awful about it.

 

“Hey hey, come on, no, don't be like that. Of course I want you. I love you.”

He looked over and saw Sebastian still had his eyes closed so Mark moved a hand to stroke Seb's cheek.

“Look at me darling, please,” he implored.

Sebastian forced his eyes open to see Mark's face much nearer than before. He could see how concerned his expression was. Mark stroked his cheek softly.

“Of course I want you,” Mark repeated.

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course darling, but you've been so ill. We can't rush things.”

“But I'm feeling better now,” protested Sebastian.

“Some of the time. And you're working so hard you're constantly exhausted.”

“This is different though isn't it? I want to be with you properly. I miss it, don't you miss sex?”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“Well yes, but that's not the point.”

“It is though. I can't even remember the last time we slept together.”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Mmm, yeah, exactly.”

“What?”

“I don't think you can, can you? We were in Italy, in the hotel after we'd been out to eat. Do you remember that?”

Sebastian paused and thought, but Mark was right, he couldn't recall any of that time. He shook his head tightly and felt like crying again.

 

Mark could see it upset him and felt guilty for pointing it out as if it was Seb failing in some way.

“Come on, sit up, sit with me,” he encouraged, pushing himself upright in bed and pulling Seb with him so he could hold him in his arms. Sebastian pressed his face into Mark's shoulder for a moment as Mark gave him a squeeze and Seb slid his arms around Mark's middle to be as tightly together as they could be like this. Mark held onto him for a while not saying anything, then moved one hand to rub Seb's back.

“It's not your fault. It's not your fault you've been ill. You're getting better and we will get back to how things should be but we can't rush things, okay darling?”

Sebastian took a deep breath as he looked at Mark, sitting away a fraction so he could see him.

“I want to go back to normal.”

“I know.”

“I want to get back to how we were before.”

“So do I darling, so do I.”

“You do still want me?”

“Of course I do.”

Mark leaned in and kissed him, stroking his hand down along Seb's arm, leaving it resting there as they pulled apart.

“Of course I want you darling, that's not even a question.”

“So?”

“So for a while I guess I didn't even think about, when things were so bad...”

“But now?”

Mark sighed.

“I don't know. I just... I don't want us to do anything that might set you back,” Mark explained.

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“What do you think's going to happen?”

Mark shrugged.

“Honestly I don't even know. I just... worry. I worry about you all the time.”

Seb raised a hand to rest at the side of Mark's cheek.

“You don't need to worry about me.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“I can't help it, and I mean I know you're training and stuff and you are doing better, but you still get headaches.”

“Not all the time.”

“No but I don't want to be the cause of them, or I don't know, anything worse.”

“Like what?”

Mark shrugged helplessly, trying find a way to express the fears that lurked within him. He huffed a breath through his nose and knew he had to be honest.

“I mean sex, rushes of blood to head and all that... I don't know, what if it had a bad effect on you?”

Sebastian hardly knew how to respond to that.

“Do you think my head is going to explode?”

Mark gave a tip of his head to the side.

“Honestly darling I don't know.”

“ _Mark_.”

“I'm not kidding. Well obviously not so extreme, but I would worry it might be too much.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Liebling, I'm not that delicate. If I can survive what Antti makes me do in the gym don't you think I'd be alright sleeping with you?”

 

Mark shrugged again, knowing he had no solid ground here. Sebastian managed a tiny smile for him.

“I mean, sex with you is pretty mind-blowing, but I don't think that's entirely literal.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and was glad to see Seb looking fractionally more cheered.

“Okay. Maybe I'm being paranoid,” he admitted.

“No Liebling, I know you worry and I wish you didn't have to.”

“Yeah well...”

Seb pouted and made eyes at him as he stroked the tips of his fingers down Mark's cheek then all the way down to reach his chest.

“I mean you _do_ want to?”

“Yes.”

“Because I want you.”

Mark smiled seeing Seb's hand trail lower down his chest.

“Well that's good to know.”

“So maybe we should try it and see what happens?” offered Sebastian.

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Just try it?”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked sceptical and Sebastian stilled his hand, seeing Mark wasn't going for it.

“Why not?” challenged Seb. “Jess and Jenson are gone now, it's just us here. We've had a nice weekend...”

 

Mark paused trying to reconcile his desires and concerns regarding Sebastian and wasn't sure he might not just be giving himself a headache instead.

“Sweetheart don't think I don't appreciate the idea, but I just think I'll be worrying too much.”

“You don't need to,” tried Seb.

“Maybe, but I will and if I'm worrying it's not really going to be any good is it?”

Sebastian stared at him for a moment, trying to think what to say.

“I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you. I don't want to let you down,” apologised Mark.

Seb sighed and tried to think about this from Mark's point of view.

“No don't say that. You could never let me down. You've been amazing through all this and I know it's still difficult for you. I know you worry. I just don't want you to see me as this fragile thing you're going to hurt. I want you to see me as normal.”

“I do see you as normal, but... okay I'm sorry maybe I have been thinking of you as being a bit fragile. I can't help it.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I understand. I know you've had to look after me and it's been hard, but I am getting better and, well, don't we have to start to move on now?”

Mark knew Seb was making entirely fair points.

“Yeah okay. I guess maybe I'm the one with the problem, just...” Mark tried to think logically. “Look why don't we talk to Dr. Roberts about this tomorrow?”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“That won't be awkward at all.”

Mark shrugged.

“Yeah well I'd feel better for asking. Then I wouldn't have to worry so much.”

“So much,” echoed Seb.

“I'm still gonna worry a bit,” Mark admitted.

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath. It wasn't quite the response he'd been hoping for, but at least he'd been brave enough to bring the subject up and they'd talked about it. Mark was just being honest as he always was. Seb couldn't demand sex. That was a ridiculous idea and of course he wanted Mark to be happy too. He couldn't push him into something he was uncomfortable with, that would be just as bad as Mark doing that with him and Seb knew that Mark would never have done that.

“Okay. So we'll talk to Dr. Roberts,” agreed Seb.

“Okay,” nodded Mark.

“I'm sorry all this is so difficult.”

Mark smiled.

“Nothing's ever easy with us is it?”

“No.”

Sebastian gave a half shrug.

“At least it's worth it.”

“Hm?”

Sebastian smiled wider.

“Us. Things being difficult. At least it's worth it, being together, sex, everything. It's worth it.”

Mark nodded back.

“Yeah it is, it definitely is.”

“And at least I remember that,” added Seb.

Mark laughed.

“Yeah I'm very glad you remember that.”

“Me too Liebling.”

 

Seb pushed up a little to lean in so that they could kiss properly for a longer time, arms reaching around to pull them closer together. As they broke for air Mark pulled Sebastian to lie back down on the bed together where they rejoined the kiss and he reminded himself how much he really had missed things going further between them. It did feel good and Seb was probably right, he was probably over-thinking things. This weekend felt like the first time Mark had seen Seb really properly relaxed and happy since their world had been turned upside down by the accident. He'd been more like his old self, they both had been this weekend and god hadn't it felt good to be that way? It did feel as though they were finally getting somewhere. Perhaps he should relax a little himself? Maybe just see if they really were ready to start moving on?

They pressed their bodies into one another's and as they stopped to breathe Mark gave Seb a smile and allowed a hand to wander lower. Sebastian raised an eyebrow in reply thinking about what they had just discussed.

“I'm just thinking... in the meantime maybe we could work on building up slowly?” suggested Mark.

“Oh?”

“I mean if you wanted to?”

Mark trailed his hand over Sebastian's hip and edged it further forward as he looked to Seb for encouragement. Seb smiled.

“I think that's a very good idea.”

“Good.”

 

So what if they had to build up slowly in all aspects of their life? It would be worth it.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I am a tease at the end there aren't I? ;)


	93. Step-by-step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written last week and I was going to post it Friday/Saturday, but following the terrible news about Jules I thought I ought to wait. I hope given the subject matter people don't think it is still too soon and too insensitive to have put it on here.  
> Jules is not referred to in this story despite it originally being based within the real-world happenings of F1. This was all plotted out almost a year ago and the story is such that I don't think I could change it now.  
> I don't think I could write about what happened with Jules, even in passing, without it feeling disrespectful. This is just a little AU world that has taken on a life of its own and long as this is, there is a deliberate story arc (whether I get it right or not is another matter).
> 
> So anyway, back to the story...

* * *

 

 

 

 

The alarms on both their mobile phones went off almost simultaneously on either nightstand. Mark rubbed at his face as he woke up and tried to blindly reach for his phone to the side without lifting up whilst Sebastian forced himself to sit to silence his. He pulled a face at Mark as he failed to switch his own alarm off quickly enough.

“Mark.”

“Urgh, okay okay.”

Mark pushed himself up to find his phone and hit the 'off' button before turning back to face Sebastian.

“Sorry,” he apologised.

“I just hate the sound.”

Mark smiled.

“You hate all alarms.”

Seb smiled back.

“True.”

Seb scrubbed a hand through his hair trying to rouse himself properly and remember why they had set their alarms this early.

“So, you still up for doing our run to the coffee shop?” asked Seb.

“Me? Yeah I'm up for it. You?”

“Yeah. I might not be very fast.”

Mark shook his head.

“That's fine.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian looked to the side to see the time again. Even going slowly they still had ample time before they would need to set off for his appointment at 10.30am, three hours in fact, more than ample.

“Can we just have five minutes before we get up?” asked Sebastian.

Mark smiled and nodded. Seb asking for five minutes' grace was oddly reassuring, reminding him of how things normally were. They sat back against the pillows, propped half up, Sebastian resting into Mark as he put his arm around him. Sebastian rested his head down against Mark's shoulder and slid his hand over Mark's chest letting out a gentle sigh.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah good.”

“And last night?”

Seb smiled a little wider and turned his head further to kiss Mark's collar bone.

“Mmm, also very good.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Good.”

So simply getting each off might not be quite the same as full sex but at least it was a start and it wasn't as if they hadn't both enjoyed it. That would do for now, at least it felt like a step in the right direction.

Sebastian tipped his head back to look up at Mark.

“I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, when we were talking you know.”

Mark shook his head.

“No. It's good we talked, we should've talked before probably. It's okay, we can speak to Dr. Roberts later and then maybe I can stop my stupid worrying.”

Seb stroked his hand gently over Mark's chest.

“Not stupid Liebling. It's just that you care. It's okay, we'll ask and we'll build up like you said.”

“Not the worst kind of punishment,” agreed Mark with a smile.

“Exactly.”

“And you were alright last night?”

“More than alright,” stated Sebastian.

Mark raised his spare hand to stroke against Seb's cheek.

“And you have to say, that's the deal.”

“That's the deal. I told you, just a little light-headed, but not in a bad way.”

“Okay,” agreed Mark softly.

He ducked his head down to meet Seb's, pressing their lips together in a soft kiss, not going anywhere, just appreciating the moment. As he pulled away Mark paused and rubbed his nose against Sebastian's gaining a smile and an echo of the move in reply.

Mark let out a sigh and sat up.

“Right, we going to drag ourselves out of bed and do that run?”

“Yep.”

“Good. Come on then.”

Mark released his hold of Sebastian and they forced themselves to get up to see how they would get on.

 

 

 

They stood on the doorstep in their running gear, thankful that the weather was dry if dull. It was a little after eight am so it was light, but not bright this far into autumn and they knew that they would have to keep their eyes peeled for drivers zipping along the lanes, especially where there was no pavement. They'd done some stretches to warm up already and Mark had exhausted the number of ways he could check Seb was definitely up for this.

“Right so we'll just try a jog, yeah? You set the pace,” suggested Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“It's fine Mark, I'm good.”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark reminded himself he had to stop fretting and just let Seb show him what he was capable of.

 

They set off down the lanes, the air cold at this time of day. Sebastian could feel it burning in his lungs but it was a good feeling, a familiar feeling. He wasn't running as hard as they might, but they had increased their pace from the slow jog at the start and it was good to know that they were getting closer to their goal.

Pausing at a junction where they had to cross the road Mark looked to Sebastian.

“Still good?”

“Yep, still good,” assured Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“We're going a bit faster than I thought to be honest,” he admitted.

Seb gave him a look.

“Were you doubting me?”

“Not doubting, just...” Mark shrugged.

Seb smiled.

“You've not seen what Antti's been making me do.”

“Guess not. Right on we go then.”

The cars they had been waiting for passed and they continued on their way.

 

By the time they reached the village Sebastian had needed to slow slightly but he thought the fact he was still going at all wasn't too bad. As they pulled up outside the coffee shop he put his hand on the wall and took a moment to get his breath back.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded, then smiled as he admitted.

“Think I do need that sit down though.”

Mark smiled back, then ducked in to give Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“I'm very impressed darling.”

“Thanks.”

Mark decided to pull him in for a hug and Seb reciprocated a little less enthusiastically.

“I'm all sweaty.”

“I don't care.”

Mark grinned and gave Seb another kiss on the lips this time before pulling away.

“Right, I need that coffee and a sit down wouldn't go amiss for me either. Let's go in,” he encouraged.

 

They pushed open the door to find the café just as it always was at this time of day; almost deserted. There was a late commuter stood at the bar getting his coffee ready to go, presumably either heading to the station located a few miles away or to drink while he made his way driving. Other than that the only other occupant visible was the coffee shop manageress herself who looked up to see the door opening, stared open mouthed when she saw who it was and then shoved the paper cup at her customer then rushed out from behind the counter to meet them before they had even had chance to make their way over to their usual table.

She stood in front of the pair of them.

“Oh my goodness. Oh my. Oh...”

She shook her head, looking first at Seb, then Mark, then back at Sebastian again. Neither of them knew what to say.

“Umm, hi. Long time no see,” greeted Sebastian.

The woman put her hand to her mouth and shook her head again, seeming equally lost for words. She put a hand on Seb's arm then threw caution to the wind and pulled him into a hug he was powerless to resist, Mark chuckling to his side. She let him go and shook her head again, barely able to believe her eyes.

“Hi Jean,” greeted Mark.

She smiled at him and gave Mark a pat on the arm as well.

“It's so good to see you,” she greeted, “ _so_ good, we didn't think, I mean, well... never mind.”

 

The man at the till looked over, highly confused as to why he had been abandoned and tried to get her attention by politely coughing, then shrugged and left a couple of pound coins on the counter before exiting unnoticed, wondering what the fuss was over a couple of joggers coming in.

 

The manageress took them to sit down, then turned to the doorway into the kitchen and shouted through.

“Kirsty! Kirsty! Look who's here.”

Mark was trying not to grin too much at the awkward expression on Seb's face. So much for their quiet little drink. A moment later a pony-tailed girl in her early twenties emerged from out the back and stood at the counter staring over.

“Wow.”

Mark laughed and gave the waitress a little wave, thinking that they at least seemed pleased to see them.

The manageress recovered herself somewhat and encouraged them to take a seat.

“Right then. The usual?” she smiled happily.

“Um, yes please,” agreed Sebastian, feeling a little thrown at the enthusiastic welcome, but secretly rather pleased.

“Wonderful. How are you? Should I ask? I don't want to be rude. I suppose you must be doing okay if you're running again. You did run here?” she rattled on.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, first go.”

“We had to come here naturally,” added Mark, knowing it would please her and was gratified to see a beaming smile in response.

She patted his shoulder.

“That's wonderful, really wonderful.”

She turned back to Sebastian.

“And you are better?”

“Getting there,” he agreed.

“Good. That's really terrific news. Right then, coffee, and don't even think about paying for these, okay?”

 

Given no other option Seb nodded and thanked her before she walked away to make their drinks. As soon as she was gone Mark widened his grin and leaned in over the table so he didn't need to raise his voice.

“You do seem to have a certain affect on women.”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“Rubbish.”

Mark gave him a look in return and Seb shrugged.

“Wasted on me I'm afraid,” he smiled.

Mark chuckled.

“How very reassuring.”

Seb reached out and took Mark's hand as it rested on top of the little table.

“Only one person for me.”

“Good to know.” Mark paused for a dead-pan beat before continuing, “you do mean me, right?”

Sebastian laughed and squeezed his hand.

“Yes Liebling, you're the only one for me.”

“That _is_ a relief,” grinned Mark.

They looked to the side and saw that their coffees were being delivered, gave thanks and finally relaxed as they sipped their drinks.

Mark leaned back in his chair and glanced over to the counter before looking back at Sebastian.

“You know at this rate we're going to have to start secreting tenners about the place to make sure it doesn't go out of business.”

Seb smiled, happier than ever when Mark smiled back before sending him a wink and stretching out his legs under the table, entirely uncoincidentally resting them against Seb's. It felt so good to have done an activity that constituted part of their 'normal' life, even if it had caused a little over-excitement in their host. That too was nice. It was flattering to see how happy she was to see them. Mark making more jokes was good as well. Seb didn't care if he was taking the piss a little bit. That felt like normality. Maybe they really were getting there?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Later that morning the pair sat in Dr. Roberts office for Seb's check-up. Once she had done her usual run-throughs Sebastian had told her about the incident that had occurred on Friday, the doctor listening and asking a couple of questions about what had led up to it and how it compared to the other times he had been on the simulator.

“So you said you think you went on too long and that was the problem?” she probed.

“Yeah.”

“And did the problem build or hit only at the end?”

“Um, towards the end it built up. I was okay before.”

“And you felt dizzy and nauseas?”

“I only felt dizzy, I didn't feel sick until I got out,” Seb recounted.

“And a headache?”

“Only later on.”

“Okay and this hasn't happened any other time you've been doing that?”

“No.”

“Can you describe what was going on, how you felt?” she encouraged.

Seb did his best to recall and describe it for her, his doctor nodding along.

 

“It does sound as if you perhaps took too much on at the end of a long week,” she noted thinking about all the work he had been doing.

Mark to Sebastian's side resisted the urge to raise an eyebrow at her making the same point he had.

“So you think that's all it is?” wondered Seb.

“Well not quite. You said you spent longer on there this time?”

“Yes.”

“If you felt the problem building, can I ask why you kept going?” Dr. Roberts pressed.

Mark wanted to reply, _'because he's Seb,'_ but he held his tongue.

“I really wanted to improve and...” Sebastian glanced to Mark, “the things is, earlier on I had an off, a spin. I mean I know it's not real, but it felt very real.”

His doctor heard a note in Seb's voice.

“It upset you?”

Seb shrugged, hating that he had to admit this.

“A bit.”

She nodded.

“I'm sure it was unsettling. I don't imagine it helped the situation.”

“So what do you think doc?” asked Sebastian.

Dr. Roberts let out a long breath.

“To be honest this is going to involve a bit of speculation as I didn't see you at the time, but given your description I'd say there was a combination of factors causing the problem; Tiredness, stress, both from the pressure you're putting yourself under and from the earlier off you had which I'm sure _did_ affect you even if it was only a simulated incident because it sounds a very immersive experience.”

Seb nodded, not hugely surprised to hear her say that.

“However I think it sounds as if the main problem was motion sickness,” she continued.

 

Sebastian stared over in shock. Motion sickness? He couldn't have _motion_ _sickness_ , he was a racing driver.

“But I, I've never had that before,” he protested.

Dr. Roberts frowned slightly.

“You don't remember me saying that may have been a factor in when you got ill travelling, when you were first admitted here?”

Sebastian sat back a bit. He had pretty much forgotten about that, but now she mentioned it he did vaguely remember.

“Um, sure I guess.”

“I thought it was the air-pressure?” intervened Mark.

“Well that's likely to have been the main factor, but it's likely motion sickness didn't help.”

Sebastian felt himself sagging.

“So you think I've got motion sickness from the concussion?”

“It could be a side-effect,” agreed Dr. Roberts.

Seeing his unhappy expression she continued.

“It may only be temporary. It could be that as with many other effects of your injury this may wear off as well.”

“Right. Thing is I'm a driver. I can't have motion sickness if I'm going to race.”

“Well it may be limited to certain situations.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well the simulator is an artificial environment. I know you said it feels real and I've no doubt a lot of work goes in to trying to make that so, but no matter how good a simulated environment is your brain is always going to know that it isn't real. So on top of everything else your brain is already dealing with while you are in a complex and demanding situation, it is also having to reconcile that.”

Seb frowned trying to follow what she was saying.

“You mean that it confused me and that's what made me feel ill?”

“Essentially. I'd say that it was when you were tired and stressed and multi-tasking under pressure, having to deal with the reality disconnect your brain was coping with may have been the final straw.”

“So you think I'll be okay in the real car?” asked Sebastian.

“Well in all honesty Seb, I'm not sure you're going to know until you try. Are you still considering having a go at that this week?”

“Yeah. Do you think that's okay?”

“I think that's your call Seb. I'm presuming your team have assessed you as being ready to try it?”

“We're going to discuss it this afternoon.”

“Ah okay, well from my perspective I would say that in real life you may well be fine, but I would advise you that if you start to feel unwell, stop. Now I know that's not rocket science, but I get the impression you might need reminding that you need to listen to your body.”

 

Mark couldn't help giving Sebastian a sideways look as he nodded acceptance, trying not to take too much to heart that Seb seemed to be accepting this advice more easily from her than him.

“Okay, well hopefully you'll be fine. You certainly seem to be making great strides in other areas,” she commented, trying to bring things back up.

Sebastian looked to Mark and tried to build up enough courage to ask them what they had agreed.

“Yeah, umm about that...”

 

There was an awkward pause whilst Dr. Roberts waited expectantly and Sebastian and Mark looked at one another trying to work out how to ask what they needed to. Mark was just wondering whether it was going to come down to him to speak despite agreeing otherwise earlier, when Seb realised how long they had been staring at each other and actually huffed an unexpected laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Mark smiled warmly back at him and Sebastian suddenly felt a little braver.

He turned to the front to see Dr. Roberts still waiting and gave her an awkward half smile as she raised her eyebrows seeing something was clearly afoot.

“So, umm, yes... I wanted to, well _we_ wanted to ask, umm... Well seeing as I'm really doing much better, generally I mean apart from what happened the other day. I'm definitely doing better aren't I?”

His doctor nodded, wondering at the odd turn in their discussion.

“Certainly you're showing an excellent recovery trajectory. It's important that you don't let yourself weigh too heavily any small set-backs.”

“Yes, that's what I mean, so...” Sebastian stole another glance at Mark before pressing on, “we're trying to get back to more normal life, our life that is, together.”

Seb was still trying to work out how on earth he put into words what he needed to say. He'd been right, this was horribly awkward, but he had to ask. His doctor was still looking over with a blank but open expression designed to encourage her patient to talk to her.

“So we were umm, wondering if there was anything we needed to worry about?”

 

Dr. Roberts still had no clue what Sebastian was getting at.

“In terms of what do you mean? Do you mean training or driving, or...?” she prompted.

“Umm no, I mean us, Mark and I, being together like normal.”

Seb knew he was still dancing around the subject like an idiot. He simply had to spell it out.

“I mean sleeping together, sex,” he clarified, trying not to rush the words and desperately hoping that he wasn't going pink over failing to discuss the matter like an adult.

Dr. Roberts expression opened up and she give them both a professional smile.

“Ah I see, of course.”

“It's okay to ask?” wondered Sebastian.

“Of course, you can ask anything you need to. I'm your doctor, that's the whole point,” she assured.

“So?”

“So I would say that if you feel sufficiently fit and well enough in yourself then resuming normal sexual relations is fine.”

She carefully made sure she didn't smile too widely at the way she noticed the way both Sebastian's and Mark's body-language clearly relaxed as she said that.

 

“I think you are your own best judge as to what you are comfortable with Sebastian.”

“Right okay, great. So there's nothing to worry about then?”

“I wouldn't say that it's something you need to rush, but if you are wanting that then it is actually a good sign you are recovering well.”

“Oh, okay, well that's good then,” replied Sebastian sounding just as relieved as he felt. He snuck Mark a little smile and got one in reply.

“Do you have any concerns or questions?” she queried.

“Um, I don't think so, I mean it wouldn't have a bad effect on me should it? You know, um, rushes of blood to the head and that,” asked Seb, echoing Mark's concerns from the night before.

“No I don't think so, not at this stage. I would say that if you were feeling unwell or had been earlier in the day it might be inadvisable, but then I suspect it would be unlikely to be on the agenda in such circumstances anyway.”

“Right, sure.”

Sebastian thought he really might be going pink then. God, if discussing sex with Mark could be awkward, it was nothing to discussing it with someone else. Mark tried to catch Seb's eye, feeling bad that he was having to do all the talking here. He usually considered himself a confident outgoing individual, but discussing sex in a clinical environment was never going to be easy. He was relieved that she was handling it so positively.

 

“It's normal to have concerns after you've been ill,” she allowed, “obviously it's not something that you want to be worrying about.”

Mark let out a little laugh, adding his voice when he usually stayed back in these appointments.

“Ah well I think that's really rather me doing the worrying doc,” he admitted.

She smiled and nodded. Sebastian's partner was very caring and protective, it was no surprise to hear him say that, so she addressed Mark for a moment to reassure him.

“Of course, that's entirely natural too. Well as I say, if Sebastian is feeling he is in a place where he is ready to return to normal relations then I would take that as a sign he is at a stage in his recovery where he starting to return to normal.”

“I am,” piped up Seb encouragingly.

She nodded.

“Good. You are making excellent progress, far faster than one might expect in an average patient with such an injury.”

Mark smiled and couldn't help himself adding.

“Seb's far from average.”

Dr. Roberts gave a little acknowledging tip of her head. That much was abundantly apparent. Sebastian was of course young, fit and previously very healthy. He had had immediate expert medical treatment from the moment of his accident and received regular care and advice from not just her, but his team doctor, the attention of a dedicated physical trainer who worked with him daily now and provided a calculated diet for Seb to follow, as well as him receiving psychiatric therapy to help his general well-being. Most average patients didn't have all these advantages and Sebastian's rapid rate of recovery wasn't entirely surprising as a result. He also had the support of an attentive and caring partner which she knew also made a big difference. All that before she even got to Sebastian himself who was quite unlike any other patient she had treated before; He might push himself to the point where it almost overwhelmed him, but Sebastian was determined to recover as fast as he could and whilst there might only be sketchy medical evidence to support it, Dr. Roberts firmly believed that a positive attitude was key to recovering as fast and as well as possible.

 

Dr. Roberts smiled and gave them a nod.

“That I am aware of. Okay, well do you have any more questions?”

Seb and Mark looked to one another before turning back to her, Seb answering.

“Um no, that's okay, thanks.”

“Good, well I would counsel that you trust in yourself Seb, in this as in your driving and indeed anything else; trust in the signals your body gives you. If it feels right and you are comfortable with what you are doing then you are probably fine. If you feel unwell or unhappy, then you should stop.”

“Okay.”

“Okay then. Likewise with any and all aspects of your life, if you do suffer any adverse effects then I hope you will discuss them with me so that we can see how you're doing and I can try to help?”

“Sure.”

 

As they walked out through the long hospital corridors Mark slung his arm around Seb and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“That wasn't so bad.”

Sebastian pulled a face, but something of a smile remained.

“Hmm, horribly awkward though.”

“Yeah but you braved it out.”

“I didn't go pink did I?”

Mark grinned, a wicked part of him tempted to say yes, but he couldn't tease Seb like that.

“No darling, you were fine. I feel a bit mean making you do all the talking there.”

“No it's okay.” Seb shrugged. “She's my doctor isn't she?”

“Yeah suppose so. Well anyway, good news on all fronts.”

“Yeah, so...”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at Mark who laughed and shrugged.

“Yeah okay so it was me being paranoid, but I still think building up wouldn't be such a bad idea.”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb, thinking he ought to take more account of Mark's feelings, especially when he was being so great through all this. It wasn't as if building up in that department was exactly something to complain about.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark sat at home having dropped Seb off at the factory after lunch seeing as his car was still there from Friday. He had been going to go out for a ride but it was raining now and Mark was waiting to see if it might stop and dry up a bit. He went back into the kitchen and did the washing up, petted the dogs, made himself a coffee. All the usual things he did to kill time around the house, but his mind was whirring and he couldn't shut it off. Mark pulled out his phone and stared at it for a moment, then went through into the lounge and sat on the sofa before pressing dial.

“Hello?” his sister's voice, sleepy and far away.

Mark sighed as he thought belatedly about the time-difference.

“Oh hell, did I wake you? What time is it with you?”

“Hm? Mark?”

“Yeah, sorry. Never mind I'll call some other time.”

“No no, hang on.”

“It's late, I should have thought, sorry.”

On the other side of the world Leanne was mouthing _'it's Mark'_ to her husband who had also been woken and was wondering what was going on.

“It's fine. We've only just gone to bed, don’t worry. It's only half eleven, not that late. Just give me a sec.”

“No really Leanne it's my fault, I'll call again.”

Leanne sighed.

“Mark, don't worry about it. I'm just gonna go downstairs. Don't hang up.”

 

The line went quiet while Leanne found slippers and pulled on a dressing gown to make her way down to where she could speak to her brother without disturbing anyone else.

“Right, I'm back. You're still there aren't you?” she checked.

“Yeah I'm still here. Sorry I should've realised you'd have gone to bed,” apologised Mark again.

Leanne shook her head.

“It's really fine. I've told you you can call any time. I meant it. Don't worry about it, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. Now then, are you alright? Seb alright?”

“Mm, yeah okay.”

“You don't sound certain.”

Mark smiled, his sister could read him from 10,000 miles away.

“Yeah no, it is good, we're both doing better.”

“But?”

Mark sighed.

“Yeah it's just with Seb doing better we're getting to the point where he's really getting closer to going back to racing again.”

“Ah I see. And you're worrying about it,” she guessed.

“Yeah, spose so.”

“Well that's hardly surprising after what happened.”

“I know.”

His sister heard something unspoken.

“Is he still pushing himself too hard?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, well Seb's still Seb isn't he?”

“That's a good thing you know,” Leanne reminded.

“I know, I do, it's just it feels like things are really speeding up now.”

“In what way?”

“They're talking about giving him a run out in the car this week, to see how he does?”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.”

“So they must think he really is doing better then,” noted his sister.

“Yeah.” Mark sighed. “I feel bad even worrying, like I'm doubting him or wishing it wasn't so.”

“Oh Mark, come on, it's not that I'm sure.”

“No, well no of course not.”

“You're bound to worry.”

“Mmm.”

“Have you told him, Seb? That it worries you?”

“He knows. I worry about everything to do with him these days. I'm such an old lady.”

Leanne huffed a laugh at the phrase.

“Hardly. It's just that you love him.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark puffed out a long breath.

“Okay, so is it just that you're worrying?” enquired his sister.

“Kinda, well not really. We've got a meeting this afternoon about it.”

Leanne frowned.

“You mean about him doing the test?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah. And you're going too?”

“Yeah. Does that sound strange?”

“That they're including you? No, it's very thoughtful. I'm sure they know how much you care about Seb.”

“Well it was really Seb who asked me, but they gave him the option. It's sort of a two-part meeting.”

“What's the other part?”

“About the crash, why it happened. Going over the results of the investigation.”

Leanne sat back.

“Blimey. I see. God that's a lot to take in one go.”

“Yeah well I guess they've been holding off on going over it with Seb, but the team want to have done it before he gets back in the car, so he understands what happened and I guess they want to reassure him that it won't happen again.”

“Presumably they can do that?”

“What?”

“Say it won't happen again?”

“I bloody well hope so.”

“Don't suppose you'd let him back in the car if they can't say that.”

“It's not my call is it?”

“No I don't mean that, but I'm presuming if Seb has asked you along he wants you to be on his side.”

“I'm always on his side,” protested Mark.

Leanne shook her head a little at how defensive her brother was. He was obviously anxious though.

 

“Okay, I know that. I mean Seb wants you to be happy with him doing it?”

“Yeah I guess so.”

“I'm not surprised you're worrying though. That sounds pretty stressful.”

“Mm.”

“For Seb too?”

“Yeah I don't know. He's been pretty detached about the crash because he doesn't remember it, but I'm not sure how he'll do hearing about the detail of it, whether that'll make it make it more real for him.”

“I see. Well I suppose that's why he wants you with him.”

“Yeah. I'm not sure there's really going to be more to it than the reasons why the brakes failed, it's more... after.”

“You mean deciding about the test?”

“Yeah.”

“Haven't you talked about it?”

“Of course we have, but...”

“You're still worrying?”

“Yeah. I don't want to not be supportive though.”

“No, I see, well...”

 

Leanne thought for a moment.

“Okay, so I have a question for you.”

“Um, okay.”

“Seb wants to go back racing?”

“Yes of course.”

Leanne gave a little laugh.

“You say that like it's automatic. It wouldn't be for everyone after such a horrible accident.”

“No well, this is Seb.”

“Right, so on that, bearing in mind this is Seb we're talking about, he wants to go back racing as soon as he can?”

“Yes.”

“No matter how hard it is?”

“Yes,” agreed Mark.

“Okay, so given that and knowing him as we do, I think we have to accept that Seb _is_ going to get back racing sooner rather than later.”

“Right.”

No point denying it, certainly not to his sister.

“And I think we also have to accept that you're going to worry about it whenever Seb does it.”

“Well I suppose that's true too.”

“Exactly, so you're just going to have to find a way to manage that. I'm sure it'd be the same if it was now, in a month, or in a year's time.”

Mark nodded, knowing it to be accurate.

“I just worry he's pushing too fast.”

“Ironic for a racing driver,” noted Leanne.

Mark smiled despite himself.

“Yeah.”

“Look Mark, do you think the team would let him do it if they though he wasn't ready?”

“No.”

“Won't he have to have medical clearance?”

“Well yeah.”

“So they wouldn't let him do it if it was dangerous?”

“It's always dangerous,” pointed out Mark.

“Mark I've been watching you race for over twenty years. Don't you think we know how dangerous it is? It's always on our minds.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“You don't need to be sorry, it's just the way it is. We've seen you have some truly horrific crashes, all those god-awful flips in the car when... god Mark, really, you scared the life out of us, but you always got back in the car and carried on racing didn't you?”

“Yeah, so I'm a hypocrite.”

Leanne sighed.

“No I'm not saying that. I'm saying I understand what it's like. I know it's tough. I know you'll never stop worrying in the same way you'll never stop loving him.”

“So I just have to live with it?”

“Fraid so.” 

 

Mark gave a shake of his head.

“Guess I shouldn't have fallen in love with a racing driver,” he admitted wryly.

“You should try having a brother who's a racing driver.”

“Mm.”

“I know Seb's crash was worse and he was hurt so badly, but if he feels ready to start again then if you love him all you can do is support him.”

“Okay.”

“If it was the other way round I'm pretty sure you'd want to get back as fast as you could and you'd want Seb to support you.”

“Of course and I know he would.”

“I'm sure he would. You know you two are very alike,” Leanne smiled to herself, “guess it's not all that surprising you make such a good pair.”

“Guess not,” agreed Mark.

“Okay, so I know it's still tough, even knowing all that, but you've got to trust him.”

“Of course I trust him,” defended Mark.

“Trust him to know what's best for himself?”

Mark sat further back on the sofa. His sister could be blunt, but she was rarely wrong.

 

“No I do. I do trust him. It's just...”

“I didn't say it would be easy.”

Leanne shook her head thinking back.

“Mark do you think we didn't want to tell you not to get back in the car and continue racing when you've crashed?”

Mark paused. He actually hadn't thought about that. He knew they worried, but not to that extent.

“Okay. Alright, I get what you're saying. I don't really want to tell him not to race. He wouldn't be himself then.”

“And that's the guy you fell in love with,” reminded Leanne.

“True. Okay yeah I get it.”

 

Mark let out a long sigh. His sister heard it from the other side of the world.

“Better or worse?”

Mark smiled and sat up a bit.

“Better. I'm always better for talking to you. Thanks.”

“Course. Any time. And I mean it, Mark. I told you not to worry about the time. Just call me.”

“Okay thanks.”

“He must be doing a lot better to be at this point?”

“Yeah, he is. We had Jense and his wife over for the weekend and I think that helped a lot.”

“Ah well that's good.”

“Yeah you should have seen Seb showing them round the house, he was so happy.”

His sister wrinkled up her nose, thinking how sweet Sebastian was.

“That's nice.”

“I think it was kind of a big deal to him.”

“Well that's no surprise. He was getting to show them your home, both of yours. It's bound to be a big deal to be proud of that.”

 

Mark thought about that. Seb had been proud, proud of their home, proud of them being together, proud of playing host and Mark had been proud to see him do such a good job of it. That _was_ a big deal. He wondered if he'd told Seb how good a job he'd done enough. Maybe he should say it again?

“Yeah, guess you're right. Well it was nice anyway and we had a pretty good appointment with the doc earlier.”

“At the hospital?”

“Mm.”

“You're still going every week?”

“Yeah. It's just a check-up but yeah we still go. I guess if Seb's going to go back racing they'll get less.”

“Well I'd hope that'd mean he'd need less.”

“Good point.”

His sister nodded, still thinking how nice it was that Mark automatically went with Seb to all these appointments and meetings, no wonder he found it hard to step back and let Seb get back into the line of fire in racing.

“Okay, well thanks, I guess I should let you go back to bed,” said Mark.

“Hope I've helped a bit?”

“Course. Yeah you're right. I just need to support him. It's his call.”

“You'll be alright?”

“Well you know.”

“Yeah I do. Okay well call me if you want another chat.”

“Thanks. Say sorry to Dean for me.”

“He doesn't mind. Honestly we'd only just gone to bed, it's fine. Love you.”

“You too and the family.”

“Yours too, give my love to Seb. I'm sure he'll be alright.”

“And I'll just have to tough it out.”

“Friad so, but you'll manage, just remember why you're doing it.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Good luck.”

“Cheers, take care then.”

“Bye.”

 

They hung up and Leanne sat at the kitchen table for another moment. Her poor brother. Nothing to be done though but help him get through it. Mark couldn't have fallen for someone nice and safe and simple like a vet or librarian. She laughed to herself. Mark? No, not a chance. He and Seb were perfect for each other. Unfortunately it meant she now had two racers to worry about. Not that she was going to tell her brother that. He had enough to deal with.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark was lurking around reception at RedBull's factory in Milton Keynes just before the arranged time of four pm. He was just wondering whether he ought to send Seb a text or maybe go up and see Christian in his office when Sebastian appeared as he crossed the atrium.

“Hey,” Mark greeted as he stood up to give him a kiss on the cheek and touched Seb's hair and gave it a ruffle seeing it was still damp.

“Just jumped out of the shower,” explained Seb. “Think Antti was trying to wring every last drop out of me before our time was up.”

Mark nodded and consciously made no comment on Seb working too hard, wanting to keep things as positive as possible.

“All go okay then?”

“Yeah. Think I did it the right way round.”

“Hm?”

“Sim first, then training. Kinda easier to switch my brain off later on.”

“Ah yeah, that makes sense. Where did you drive today then?”

Seb smiled at the way Mark put it. It did feel as though you were taking a little trip around the tracks of the world.

“Had a go at COTA then Silverstone.”

“Righto and all okay?”

“Yeah, you know, okay, could do better but we only had an hour or so.”

 

Mark nodded. He could comment that an hour sounded plenty, but he left it. Sebastian had surely learned his lesson. It wasn't helpful to keep harping on about it. He had to do as his sister advised and trust Seb to make the right call.

“Your afternoon okay? Did you go out in all that rain?” checked Sebastian.

“Had a blast out just now after it stopped. I rang Leanne before.”

“Oh?”

“Just for a chat. She says to give you her love.”

Sebastian smiled. Mark's sister was so kind and thoughtful. It wasn't hard to see why Mark was the way he was.

“She give you any good advice about today?” asked Seb.

Mark smiled back, Seb knew too well what his relationship with Leanne was like.

“Well, just to stop being such a worry-wart and to know you'll be okay.”

Sebastian placed a hand on Mark's arm and looked up at him.

“I know you're worrying about Wednesday, we can talk about that after this. Christian said we should take a break afterwards then we can go and have a chat in his office to decide what we want to do.”

“Okay. You're alright about this run-through?” Mark checked.

“I think so, yeah.”

“It's just the details, okay? We already know it was the brakes.”

“Course. Yeah okay we should head up.”

Mark nodded, steeling himself and putting on his best confident front to help Seb through this, still wondering if it wasn't himself that needed more help.

 

 

 

Mark and Sebastian settled themselves into the waiting empty seats placed together on one side of the long table in the meeting room. Christian was towards the front with Adrian and Rob Marshall, Rocky and Sebastian's team engineers arrayed along the other side with their laptops, along with the chief mechanic and with the head of manufacturing down at the bottom. Seb was glad to have been talked through who was going to be here so he knew what to expect and reminded himself not to let himself feel as though he was the one under scrutiny. He hadn't failed to notice the way Mark had pulled his chair up right next to him so that their legs were touching under the table. It did feel good to have his reassuring presence there. Seb hadn't thought twice before asking Mark along for this afternoon, knowing that he wasn't the only one needing reassurance.

Christian looked up from the final notes he was consulting and looked over to Seb and Mark.

“Right then. We all ready?”

Sebastian nodded. Beneath the edge of the table Mark slid his hand into Seb's where it rested and gave it a quick squeeze.

 

Christian ran through an over-view, starting by explaining how they had gone about the investigation. They treated it like a plane-crash investigation although he was careful not to describe it as such, indeed throughout the meeting the word 'crash' was omitted altogether and both Seb and Mark knew that was deliberate. The terms were kept forensically technical as the engineers in turn explained how they had established that it wasn't a fault in the design of the car, but a seemingly minor fractional defect in the tiniest of linking parts within the machinery of the car that after several races in place had cracked under the extreme pressure of the demands of the track at Monza when the car had been racing at greatest speed and therefore putting the highest pressure on braking. Step-by-step they demonstrated how this one failure had caused a fatal chain-reaction leading to a critical malfunction of the internal ERS braking system within the car leading to the accident.

Seb sat there trying to absorb all the information. They stopped several times to see if he had any questions but Sebastian found himself shaking his head. The only real question was 'how could this happen?' but he knew that sometimes all the logical explanations in the world came down to; 'something we could never have predicted happened'. He looked at the projections on the large screen at the front of the room with the diagrams of the car and its component pieces, highlighting where the part failed and broke, presumably mid-way through the race, although they couldn't be sure if it might have cracked earlier but held in place until finally snapping, causing a series of connected failures until the whole brake-by-wire system ceased to operate. He looked on as Adrian stood to point out the spot on the track which the data analysis showed the problem was registered on their systems, just at the worst place on the long straight coming up to the sharp turn into the Parabolica curve.

“It's possible, although we can't be sure, that going over the kerbs in the chicane before this point was where the link finally gave-way, but it was certainly gone by this stage although it took a few seconds to register on our data-screens,” he explained.

Seb nodded. He kept thinking that they expected him to comment, as if he could contribute when he didn't remember a thing about it. He looked to Mark at his side and could see the tension in his face. Poor Mark, this was so much worse for him, Seb was sure. Sebastian rubbed his thumb over the back of Mark's hand, knowing how that always comforted him when he was the one who was upset.

Mark felt Sebastian's touch and tried to remind himself that horrific as this all was, Seb had survived. The fault hadn't been any of these guys' mistake. No one had fucked up or been negligent, it was just the tiniest weakness in a part that no person could have seen with the eye, or predicted the consequences of its failure. The car they had built had protected Seb when the worst had happened. He was sat next to him, holding his hand right now, because of that.

Mark looked at the screen and tried not to recall the terror he had felt and the precise way his heart had seized at the moment the shout had gone up in the garage when they had realised what was happening. He tried to shut out the voice in his head asking why they hadn't spotted it before, why they couldn't have anticipated it and prevented it. Nobody could have done that. The moment the problem had been registered it was already too late. There was nothing Seb or anyone in the team could have done. It had just happened. Mark knew he had to try to keep things in his head as they were, technical, direct, honest and leave emotion out. He just had to get through this.

 

Adrian glanced to Christian, knowing that they were reaching the critical part and continued.

“So as the car reached the braking point here where it would be expected that the strain would be taken both by the ERS braking and the graphite brake pads, the former was already out of action and the latter were unable to absorb sufficiently the energy required to slow going into the bend at 350kph...”

Mark continued listening as Adrian focussed on the technical specifics; the energy readouts and the level required to push the Brembo brakes beyond the temperature where they would explode, leaving Sebastian with no brakes whatsoever to prevent him running straight off track. He stared ahead at the diagram showing the curve of Parabolica, the point of no return. Mark stared at the stark lines and numbers and tried to ignore the way he felt sick to the pit of his stomach.

Sebastian was still trying to reconcile himself to the fact that they were talking about him. Everyone kept referring to 'the car' but they meant _him_. It had happened to him. He had been in that car, putting his foot on the brake pedal and getting nothing. He was the one who had come off track. He was the one who had gone over the run-off area and the gravel and straight into the barrier. Had he been scared? He must have been. Sebastian wondered if he had understood just how bad things were in that moment. Had there been time to know that? He hoped that the way they were saying how late it had become clear how much trouble he was in and the speed he had been travelling at meant he hadn't. It still felt as if it had happened to somebody else.

 

The explanations continued; The work they had done with the Monza circuit and the FIA to establish what effect the extended run-off and the gravel-trap had on the deceleration of the car, how well the barrier had absorbed the impact, how the safety features on the car had worked, how well the medical team and marshals had responded and the lessons learned. It all soaked into Sebastian and Mark's brains, slowly going in, fact by fact, drip by drip.

It was at least reassuring to know that they had done all they could at the track. It wasn't the job of the team to analyse Sebastian's medical treatment here but they noted the time taken to reach him and begin that treatment. Sebastian thought it must have seemed an eternity to Mark. Seb looked at him and saw in Mark's eyes the memory of how frightened he had been. Seb pushed his knee further into Mark's to get his attention and when Mark looked over he gave him a tiny smile and squeezed his hand, trying to let him know that he understood. He couldn't remember and Mark couldn't forget. Seb was certain that he got the better deal.

 

 

Christian was stood at the front rounding up. He had told both Sebastian and Mark before they went in that if they wanted to take a break at any time they should just ask, but neither had, even though he was sure that this had been difficult to get through. He'd seen how closely together they were sat, the way Mark took slow sips of water deliberately gathering himself at certain points. Seb had seemed remarkably okay really. He was quiet, but that wasn't surprising. There was a lot of information to absorb, but it wasn't crucial that he remembered it, only that Seb had a general understanding and came out of this with a sense that he and indeed Mark could trust the team going forwards.

“Okay, so I think that's pretty much covered it all. As Liam has explained, the factory manufacturing the material used in the part have introduced an extra stress test before it is molded and again on each item produced even before it comes here to be tested ahead of being used on the car and we've not had any further issues.”

Seb nodded. It almost seemed ridiculous that a tiny part that cost a few pounds could destroy a car that cost millions, and nearly kill him in the process, but that was how it was. He just had to accept it. You couldn't change it, just like you couldn't go back and change what had happened.

“In the races since we've had no reoccurence of any similar issues, so whilst I appreciate this may sound glib, it does seem to have been a one-off, but we have every process in place to try to ensure nothing like this should happen in future,” continued Christian.

Seb nodded. Just a one-off, just bad luck, just the worst happening at the worst possible point on the worst track of the year. The fault could have occurred during a steady warm-up lap in free practice and he would have trundled back to the garage merely annoyed at the delay. It could have broken at another point on the track and the brake pads would have survived at a more moderate speed. He could have been on slower track elsewhere and Sebastian might only have crunched into a tyre wall at a lower rate and merely have ruined his car and his race, not nearly lost his life.

It was what it was. The only thing to do was accept it and move on.

 

“Do you have any questions?” asked Christian.

Sebastian shrugged and shook his head. Mark hesitated then spoke up.

“You're sure it can't happen again?” he asked, trying not to sound as distrustful as he certain he must.

Christian looked to Adrian whose quiet but calm voice piped up.

“We are as certain as it is possible to be, but I think you understand Mark that faults occur on cars. All F1 cars run on the edge of what is possible, we push the limits, that is what we have to do. Neither I, nor anyone here can promise that there will never be another fault on Sebastian's car. We will always endeavour to prevent them and work constantly to find ways to ensure that our cars are the safest they can be.”

Mark took in a breath and nodded.

“Yeah, okay. I do know that, sorry.”

Christian shook his head.

“That's quite alright. Seb you don't have anything?”

Sebastian shrugged again.

“I don't think so. I think that's a lot for now.”

Christian smiled and gave a tip of his head.

“That's certainly true. Okay, well if anything occurs to you, you can always ask later. Right, well if that's it I think we'll finish there. Thank you everyone.”

 

The meeting broke up with people taking their equipment and notes with them, talking amongst themselves. Christian thought it had gone as well as could be expected. They hadn't used any of the footage from the race as part of the explanation although the investigation itself had studied the race coverage, helicopter shots and on-board feeds including infra-red thermal images of the tyres from the cameras fixed on the car which filmed everything up to the moment of impact. He had asked Seb if he wanted to watch the coverage of the 'incident' in a separate setting, but Seb had turned him down saying he didn't think it really served any purpose and Christian thought he was probably right.

As people started to make their way out Sebastian went over and shook their hands, saying thank you for all they had done. Mark could only nod over, still trying to settle himself after going through all that. They both waited until everyone apart from Christian had gone.

“Okay?” checked Christian.

“Sure,” agreed Sebastian, appearing remarkably calm to his boss.

“Mark?”

“Hm? Yeah okay,” replied Mark, sounding far grimmer.

“Right then. Well why don't we take twenty minutes to re-set ourselves and then we can have a chat in my office?”

 

Having agreed that, Mark and Sebastian made their way down to the canteen to grab a hot drink just before it closed for the day. This late on there was no one else in there and as the staff retreated to the kitchens to clean up, the pair took their seats next to one another at a table and were left alone. Seb leaned over to Mark and put his arms about him to give him a long hug, Mark fitting his back around Seb and held on tight for a good minute before letting go.

“Thank you Liebling. I know that was hard,” offered Seb.

Mark took up his hand again as they sat there.

“For you too,” he suggested.

Seb shrugged.

“I don't know. It's just weird for me.”

“Yeah.”

“Cos I still don't remember any of it.”

“I know.”

“So it's easier I think to keep it as cold facts.”

“Right.”

“I know it's not for you. I know that must have been horrible, making you think about then.”

Mark took in deep breath and let it out slowly.

“The most important thing is that you're okay now and it can't happen again,” he reconciled.

“Exactly, and it sounds like they've done all the can, so we don't need to worry about that.”

Sebastian was looking at Mark carefully to see if he was accepting that.

“Yeah,” nodded Mark.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah okay. It is hard, but I know they'll have done everything to make sure of that.”

“I trust them,” asserted Sebastian.

Mark could only nod again. They had no choice. They had to trust in the team and the car. They had no choice. It was that or never get in the car again. He'd thought that Seb might get more upset as a result of going over all this, but he seemed okay. Thinking back, Mark thought Sebastian had seemed more disturbed by what had happened back when they were in hospital, but it seemed as they had got further away from that time Seb had become more and more detached from the whole thing. Perhaps that was best though? If Seb had managed to lock the whole bad business off securely in his head Mark supposed it was Seb's way of coping with it. He only wished he could do the same himself, but it was all too real and too raw in Mark's mind to do that. Just like so many aspects of their life right now Mark would just have to find his own way to cope and try to move on like Seb was.

 

The two drank their drinks for a few minutes, letting everything settle before Sebastian raised the topic they needed to move on to.

“So Wednesday?”

“Yeah.”

“You're okay with me doing it?”

“If you are.”

“Really?”

Mark shifted up his chair closer to Seb and slipped his arm back around him.

“Yeah. If you're sure you're ready to give it a go you should do it.”

Sebastian gave him a nervous smile.

“I'm still a bit scared.”

Mark squeezed him around his shoulders.

“Yeah, me too darling, me too, but you'll be fine. It's just a try-out, no pressure.”

Sebastian turned in a little and tipped his head forwards, Mark instinctively doing the same so that their foreheads rested gently against one another's and they said nothing else until they pulled apart.

“You'll be fine,” repeated Mark.

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Will _you_ be fine?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“I'll tough it out. Do you think Britta will come along and hold my hand?”

Seb nodded. He already knew she wanted to be there. The idea that Mark wouldn't be hadn't even crossed either one of their minds.

That agreed they abandoned their half-drunk drinks, depositing them back on the serving counter to help clear away and set off for Christian's office to tell him they had come to a decision and he could give the go-ahead to make the final arrangements tomorrow so they would be properly organised to do the trial the day after.

 

Although they had both cars there Seb chose to travel back with Mark, knowing he would have no objection to dropping him off again in the morning. Neither one of them wanted to be separated. Mark kept a hand over Sebastian's knee as they drove along and Seb knew that the reassurance of the contact was as much for Mark as it was for him. He smiled across thinking that if only he could have Mark with him in the race car it would help them both, but that wasn't how it worked. Mark was already doing all he could to help and support him, there were some things Sebastian just had to do for himself. He could do it. He just had to put to one side thinking about the crash and fault there had been in the car and the memories deleted from his mind as a result like Henry recommended and concentrate on the now. Then he could simply do what Dr. Roberts said and try it to see how he managed. That was the only way to find out for sure if he really was doing as well as he hoped.

 

 

 

 

 

The next day Seb got back early from a truncated day in Milton Keynes ahead of his task the next day. He'd finally retrieved his abandoned car from the car-park to get home by a very reasonable three pm in time to take the dogs for a walk with Mark when it was still only mid-afternoon.

He had spent the morning in the simulator, practising on the Silverstone track where they would be doing the test, more to help himself feel comfortable than to really remind him of the layout which he was fairly sure he knew well enough. Seb had spent the middle part of the day training with Antti, then had a bit of time with Dr. Phillips who wanted to make a final check to confirm that he was fit to be driving the next day, before getting through the last part of his time at the factory talking with his boss in his office. Christian trying to get a read on him and checking that Seb still wanted to go ahead.

“If you're sure Seb?”

Sebastian had sat opposite him, trying to project confidence and not thinking about the fact that Seb was certain every person he had spent time with today would have given feedback to their boss on him with their assessment as to whether he really was ready.

“Yep I'm sure.”

“Okay, well we'll work to the plan we discussed yesterday and build up through the day.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Mark's still coming I presume?”

“Of course.”

 _Of course,_ thought Christian. He didn't expect any different, but he asked nonetheless.

“Okay well that's good.”

Christian paused, wondering whether it was helpful or not to add the next point, but deciding he had to.

“Sebi, you know you can change your mind if you need to?”

“It's fine. I just need to get into it. I think I'll be alright once I get going.”

Christian nodded, hoping tomorrow was really only about Sebastian getting his confidence in the car and enabling the team to make a judgement about his ability to return to racing, but he did think it was a good idea Dr. Phillips would be coming along to keep an eye on Seb, not that he didn't have enough eyes on him already.

“Okay, and you understand that if you feel unwell, or... well if there are any issues, you need to tell us, yes?”

“Yes.”

“The only problem I will have is if you _don't_ talk to us about it, okay Sebi?”

“Yep. It's okay.”

Sebastian slid his boss a smile.

“Mark'll be there. You think he wouldn't have _more_ of a problem with me if I did that?”

Christian matched the smile and nodded.

“Fair enough. Okay, well we'll see you bright and early at the track then.”

“Thanks Christian.”

Sebastian stood and offered his hand.

“I'm sure we'll have a productive day and then we can assess where we go from here,” asserted his boss.

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

“See you then.”

 

 

 

As they came along the lane approaching the house Mark squeezed Seb's hand that he was holding, thinking how quiet he had been.

“Alright?”

“Mm.”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Mm?”

Sebastian didn't say anything and Mark nodded. He knew. Mark was just as nervous as Seb was. They went into the house and Mark made them both a cup of tea which they drank whilst seated in the lounge, petting the dogs at their feet, still not talking too much. As they finished their drinks Mark turned in to Seb.

“I've had an idea.”

“Oh?”

“A couple actually, but this is the first part,” Mark explained.

“Are they good ideas?” smiled Seb, teasing Mark a little.

Mark smiled back.

“Well you'll have to tell me.”

“Okay so go on then,” encouraged Seb.

Mark sat up a bit.

“Right, so first up I was wondering if it might be a good idea, if you wanted that is, to go out and have a little razz around in the Porsche, just to have a go with a little more power.”

“Me you mean.”

Mark nodded.

“Yes darling, I mean you. Only if you want to. I just thought we could nip out now before the roads get busier with rush hour and it's still light. What do you think?”

Sebastian thought about it. He had driven Mark's car before and it certainly had more power than his car or the one Mark usually used day-to-day. Maybe it would be reassuring to have at least tried something a bit faster.

“Um, yeah okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It's a good idea. You trust me with your lovely Porsche?”

“Course I do.”

“I suppose we won't be doing anything like the speeds on track, but yeah okay.”

Mark gave him a wink.

“Well, maybe we could sneak a smidge over the speed-limit on the A-roads if we get a clear run.”

Seb smiled back.

“Just a smidge. Okay then, yeah it is a good idea, thank you.”

“Great, shall we get going then?”

“Yep.”

 

They stood and gave the dogs a little stroke to say goodbye for now.

“Sorry boys, you can't come,” apologised Mark.

Seb smiled, imaging their two dogs sat on the tiny back seat as passengers. They'd probably love speeding around, but it was best he didn't have any distractions. As they made their way into the hall he turned to Mark.

“You said this was one idea, what were the rest?”

“Ah, well I thought when we get back I'd make us a nice dinner and then after that you can pick us a good film to make us forget all about tomorrow and then we'll get an early night.”

Seb nodded.

“Sounds a good plan.”

Mark stepped in a little closer.

“Then the last part comes after that.”

“Oh?”

“Mmm.”

Mark leaned in and kissed Seb just below his ear before whispering in it.

“As part of our continuing build-up.”

Sebastian felt a little shiver run through him. He looked into Mark's eyes and wondered precisely what he had in mind. Seb considered asking, then changed his mind deciding that anticipation was half the fun.

“You are full of good ideas, aren't you?” he teased.

“Absolutely mate. Now then...”

Mark stepped away and fished out the correct car keys from the bowl on the shelf near the front door. He smiled at Seb and chucked him the keys.

“I believe these are yours.”

Sebastian caught the keys and followed Mark out to the garage.

 

 

They headed out, starting with a pootle along the lanes for Seb to get reacquainted with the controls of the car and gain confidence before moving out onto the main roads and picking up speed. Seb put his foot down where he could, feeling that little thrill and the small triumph of being in control of something powerful. It did feel good. It wasn't the same as an F1 car, but it was a step up and the Porsche really was a beautiful machine to drive. Mark was by his side, not saying too much but giving Seb encouraging smiles every now again and helping him relax into it.

 

The roads started to get busier as more people finished work and were making their way home so they turned around and set off back. Seb pulled up to a halt back at the house and let out a relieved breath before clicking his seatbelt release and leaning over to Mark to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“It was a really good idea Liebling. Thank you.”

“No problem. You might find I'm full of them,” teased Mark, glad to see his suggestion had gone well.

Sebastian smiled at him.

“I bet I will.”

Mark tweaked up his eyebrows suggestively in response, then changed the tone.

“Now then, are you hungry?”

“Yep.”

“Right let's go see what I can scour up for dinner.”

 

 

They spent a nice, normal early evening relaxing in the kitchen. Sebastian sat at the table with the dogs, letting Mark cook, not feeling the need to offer to help for once when he'd had a busy day and had an even busier one tomorrow. Mark bustled around feeling a little better to know he was doing something to help. He smiled over to Seb sat with Shadows' chin plonked on his knee, giving his ears a rub. The dogs knew better than to bother whoever was doing the cooking but Mark was sure that they were offering Seb a bit of comfort this evening. All his little ideas were aimed at keeping them busy and were deliberately designed to shut out their fears. Mark knew that Seb was just as aware as he was why he was doing it, but that was okay as long as it worked.

 

Later on they sat in front of the television, Sebastian's film choice lined up in the DVD player waiting for one of them to press play. Mark paused before doing so.

“Okay?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Do you want to talk about tomorrow or anything?” Mark wondered.

“No not really. I think I'd just like to forget all about it for now.”

“Righto.”

“Unless you want to?” checked Seb, thinking that might have been why Mark brought it up.

Mark scrunched his nose.

“Nah mate, think you're right. Let's forget all about tomorrow for now.”

He pressed play and they settled in comfortably curled up on the sofa together, the dogs in a heap at their feet.

 

 

 

The film finished only slightly after nine pm, but they went up to bed anyway, knowing that they had an early start the next day.

Mark settled into bed on his side looking over at Sebastian.

“Alright?”

Seb nodded.

“Yep. Good I think. You alright?”

“Mm, yeah you know, okay.”

Seb raised a hand and stroked it down the side of Mark's face.

“It'll be okay.”

Mark nodded back.

“I know, it's fine. Tomorrow's tomorrow, let's leave it there.”

“Good idea and thank you for all your good ideas tonight.”

Mark smiled, thinking another distraction would be good for both of them.

“Well there's still the last idea if you're interested?”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Oh I'm definitely interested. This would be part of our scheme of building up?”

“Mmm.”

“It's a good scheme,” teased Seb.

Mark chuckled back and skimmed a hand under the duvet along Sebastian's side.

“I thought so.”

 

He leaned in and started kissing Sebastian. Seb responding eagerly and both of them letting their hands wander over their bodies. When they had to part to allow them to take a breath Mark resumed by moving to begin kissing Sebastian's neck, reminding himself how he loved the way he could feel Seb's pulse jump with excitement and his breath hitch as Mark sent a hand deliberately lower.

“Mmm, you like?”

“Yes.”

“Good,” grinned Mark.

He pulled up a little and peeled the duvet off, smiling down at Seb as he lay on his back. Mark paused for a moment just to appreciate him and gained a smile in return from Sebastian who took in a slow breath, all thoughts and worries about the next day now firmly excluded from his mind. Seb was losing himself in remembering how amazing Mark's eyes looked in these moments, so warm even as desire took over, making Seb feel so completely safe and loved, his heart filled with a warm glow to know Mark still wanted him this way.

Mark leaned back in and continued kissing Sebastian's neck before beginning to work his way further down, kissing his chest and grinning at the way Seb instinctively lifted up to meet him, his hands straying all over Mark's shoulders, starting to become less co-ordinated as the tension rose.

Speaking of rising, Mark pulled away and grinned at Seb who grinned back and tweaked an eyebrow.

“You have that effect on me Liebling.”

“Good to know,” agreed Mark.

Seb pushed up a little to rest on his elbows and looked at Mark.

“Want me to swap?”

Mark shook his head.

“Nope. This is my little idea to help you relax.”

“Ah.”

Mark continued grinning.

“Although after...”

Seb nodded and lifted his head enough to kiss Mark on the lips before Mark resumed his efforts, kissing down Seb's chest and progressing down to his stomach, Seb letting out an involuntary little gasp and collapsing back onto the bed as Mark worked lower and lower ghosting his lips over the lowest part of Seb's stomach where the flatness dipped as Seb's skin jumped under his touch, making Mark smile at how wonderfully sensitive Sebastian was. He didn't stop to check Sebastian was okay, Seb's body was telling Mark all he needed to know. His chest was starting to heave and Seb's breath was uneven, but definitely happy. Mark didn't want to interrupt proceedings by reminding Sebastian that he had to speak up if anything didn't feel right. They'd had that conversation more than once over the past few days and to mention it now would only spoil the moment, he had to trust Seb.

Mark carefully kissed Seb's hip-bone then deliberately shifted to the top of his thigh causing Sebastian to let out a tortured sigh and Mark decided he couldn't tease him any longer. He moved his hand to carefully stroke along Seb's length, feeling how hard he was and just how much he wanted this.

“Mark,” gasped Sebastian.

Mark looked up and saw the expression on Seb's face, clearly asking him to move things along. He smiled and gave a little nod, kissing Seb's thigh one more time before repositioning himself slightly and beginning to slowly slowly kiss up his cock, hearing a gratifyingly breathy groan in response. Mark wanted to laugh at how desperate Sebastian sounded, but this wasn't the time for it. He had to give Seb what he needed. They were both too out of practice to control pent-up feelings for long. Mark started to work, doing all the things he knew Seb did for him that made him feel so incredible, still half-listening to the uneven little gasps and groans, each encouraging him to continue what he was doing.

Sebastian closed his eyes and gave in, letting the sensations overwhelm him. He had no control over the noises coming out of his mouth, but giving up all control felt good for once. Mark always took such care of him, Seb knew it would be okay. He always let Seb know how much he loved him and how he wanted to do everything for him. Seb didn't want this to be over too soon but when Mark switched from kissing along his cock to licking and sucking before taking him into his mouth... _Oh god._ Sebastian's eyes popped open and he was no longer sure if the exclamation was out-loud or inside his head. He could feel Mark's lips, his tongue, firm but gentle, confidently doing just what Mark knew Seb needed to gain the relief he'd been missing. Sebastian's breathing was getting heavier, the heat pooling in his groin as everything got more and more intense. Jesus, he wasn't going to last. It was too much, too much.

“ _Mark,_ ” he gasped out.

For a moment it felt as though everything shut down inside his head, but Sebastian was too far gone for it to worry him. By the time Mark had pulled up to lie by him and check that he was okay Seb was coming down again, his thoughts reforming and his breathing slowly returning to normal. Mark's face was by his own, looking at Seb with a little concern.

“You're okay aren't you darling?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded, took a deep breath and kissed him to let Mark know that he really was okay. Seb could taste himself on Mark's lips, the thought still registering in his dazzled state. Seb sighed as he pulled away, still recovering himself. Mark's hand now resting at the side of his face as he looked into Seb's eyes, seeing the pupils still a little dilated.

“Seb?”

“Hmm.”

“You're alright?”

“Mmm, just... a little... floaty.”

“Floaty?”

“Mmm.”

Seb ran his hand along Mark's upper arm, feeling his gorgeous strong bicep.

“In a good way, nice floaty,” Sebastian promised, finally succeeding in forming words properly.

“Okay.”

Sebastian let himself fall back for a moment as he pulled himself down to earth. He let out a long sigh before dropping his head to the side to see Mark still watching him.

“That was amazing.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, incredible. I love you so much.”

So what if he really hadn't lasted all that long? Seb didn't care, all he cared about was the way it made him feel.

“Love you too darling.”

Seb let out another happy sigh before returning his attention to Mark, starting to move his hand further down along Mark's arm and then onto his side before heading lower.

“So I said I'd return the favour.”

“No rush.”

“You sure?”

Sebastian shifted his hand forwards and trailed it along to feel how hard Mark was in turn. He raised an eyebrow at Mark who smiled.

“Think I need a minute too after that.”

“Ah, okay.”

 

Sebastian smiled and let his hand return to rest on Mark's hip, slowing things down and absently tracing light little figures of eight there with his fingers as Seb enjoyed the feeling of Mark's warm skin. Pausing this action Seb shuffled in closer and Mark wrapped his arms around him so they could kiss for longer, not thinking about anything other than how good this felt.

“Thank you.”

Mark gave a fractional shake of his head, telling Seb he didn't need to thank him.

“You have the best ideas,” Seb praised.

Mark chuckled a gentle laugh and stroked his finger-tips along Seb's cheek and down to his jaw before tenderly coasting them along his beautiful lips which formed into a wider smile under his touch. Sebastian waited until Mark had finished what he was doing until speaking.

“So?”

“Mmm.”

Mark turned onto his back, keeping his arms around Sebastian to pull Seb with him, loosening his hold as Sebastian pushed up a little to start softly kissing Mark's collar-bone while Mark grazed his hands all the way down the skin on Seb's back. Mark took in a breath as Seb lay on top of him, the position causing Mark's mind to stray for a moment before he caught Sebastian glancing up at him. Seeing the happiness in those eyes he deliberately focussed only on that and not any thoughts that they could have more than this, Mark reminding himself that it had been his call that they needed to take things slow.

Sebastian lifted up and gave Mark such a soft smile that he recalled himself again, returning the smile without saying a word before Seb dipped back in and began to kiss lower.

Just this, for now this was more than enough. Step-by-step.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go, a little light in their dark times. I hope you think I was right to post.
> 
>  
> 
> Rest in peace Jules, as Heather said, he's just a lap ahead.


	94. Natural Instincts

* * *

 

 

 

Mark and Sebastian stood in the kitchen after breakfast on Wednesday morning. They'd fussed around tidying up long enough, even got up extra early to take the dogs for a quick walk to try to calm their nerves, but it really was time to go now. Sebastian put a hand on Mark's arm and looked up at him.

“Are you okay?”

Mark looked back at Seb.

“Me?”

“Yeah. I know today will be hard for you Liebling.”

Mark let out a long sigh and placed his hand at the side of Seb's face and stroked his cheek with his thumb for a moment. He knew how nervous Seb was about today and here he was worrying about him.

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

They stared at one another for another moment, each wondering if there was really any point delving into the fears they both knew they were carrying about today.

“You're feeling alright?” Mark checked.

Sebastian gave a little nod, still working on convincing himself.

“Yeah I think so. I've just got to try it, right?”

“Yeah, okay. You're going to go great. It'll be fine,” assured Mark.

Seb nodded again.

“Just promise me you'll say, that's all I ask, okay? With everything; You'll say if it doesn't feel right, or you change your mind or you don't feel well, or I don't know, anything, if you need to, promise me you'll say.”

“That's always the rule,” smiled Sebastian.

“Yeah.”

“I promise, but it'll be okay.”

“Alright then. You will, you'll be okay,” assured Mark. “At least it's dry today.”

Sebastian nodded, wondering whether the team would have rescheduled if they had woken this morning to pouring rain. He supposed they'd checked the long-range forecast before making their plans but Seb was glad that the racing gods had seen fit to at least give him this advantage today.

Mark gave Seb his best reassuring smile and dipped in for a kiss on the lips and a hug before parting. Mark took a deep breath.

“Right, let's go do this.”

 

 

 

Mark switched on the radio to mask the silence in the car during their short drive to Silverstone. Seb seemed deep in contemplation and Mark didn't want to interrupt his thoughts, preferring to let the music and inane chatter playing via the speakers fill his head.

Sebastian stared straight out of the windscreen watching the road ahead. He barely heard the noise from the radio. He was trying not to think of anything at all, letting his mind go blank and shutting out all his fears about what could possibly go wrong today. It wasn't going to go wrong. It would be fine like Mark said. After all, he was only trying out driving on track, something he'd been doing for most of his life. Nothing to get worked up about.

They drove in through the gates at Silverstone and headed over the bridge to the centre of the circuit towards the old pit complex that the team had chosen to use for the day on the basis that it was smaller and easier to set-up. It was always strange to be here when there wasn't a race on, but both had been here for test sessions before and once they'd parked up they found plenty of cars and trucks from the team already here ahead of them.

They crossed the short distance over the car-park, their hands automatically gravitating together. Before they reached the garages Mark slowed and turned to Seb. He was still thinking over what he had been considering ever since he had spoken to his sister the other day. He could tell Seb how worried he was about how this was going to go, but that would only add to Seb's worries and that wasn't fair on him when Mark knew how much he already carried. He could try to hold him back, but what good what that do? No, Leanne was right, if he loved Seb he had to support him and help Seb to be in the best position to make this a success, no matter how hard it was.

Mark gave Seb a smile.

“You're going to be fine today, okay? I know it'll be a bit daunting, but once you get going I know you'll be great.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I'm sure of it. It's okay to be scared sweetheart, but you can do this.”

Mark huffed a little laugh, thinking back.

“How many times have you done the impossible before? I don't see why this should be any different.”

Sebastian smiled and reached up to give Mark a kiss on the cheek. Out of the corner of his eye Seb could see a couple of the guys lurking round the back of the garage as they made their preparations, but he didn't care, Seb was pretty sure that they were used to seeing this sort of thing between them by now. The guys had never given them any trouble or been negative about their relationship. Sure they'd teased him a few times, but that was okay, that was a good sign, it meant he was part of the team to be trusted to have a sense of humour about things. Sebastian looked over as he pulled away and gave them a wave, getting a wave in return. They were his team. They were on his side and Seb knew everyone wanted today to go well. That was something. He indicated with his head to Mark and they carried on over.

 

They walked into the back of the garage, exchanging greetings with the people they passed, seeing the mechanics and engineers inside going about their work making sure that they were ready. Christian looked up and patted the arm of Britta with whom he was discussing something or other and they both came over.

“Seb, Mark,” he greeted.

Britta was less formal and gave both quick hugs.

“We all set then?” asked Sebastian.

“Pretty much,” agreed Christian, glancing over to the rows of computer screens and engineers checking data just like any ordinary free-practice session.

“So umm, we have upstairs free for our use so we can head up and have a little chat while they make sure everything's good to go.”

“Sure.”

 

They sat in the makeshift office above the garages, sipping some fairly iffy instant coffee while Christian re-ran over the plan for the day.

“So we'll start with the little Renault, just to get a feel for the track, see how you are after a while with that, then step up to the RS01 and have a look at building up the speed.”

“That's like the GT one?” checked Mark.

“Yeah, it's pretty powerful so that should give you a better feel for things, alright Sebi?”

“Yep.”

“Then if all's going well we can start work with the RB11. I know it's a big leap, but I think messing about with more formats would only over-complicate things.”

Seb nodded, knowing that they had already agreed all this, but that his boss was wanting to double-check he was still happy.

“Sure.”

“I'd think that would take us up to lunch, by which time Dan should have joined us and we can do a few runs with the pair of you so you can have a little play and show off your over-taking skills for the cameras.”

“Yeah, that's fine. It's good of him to come.”

Christian shrugged.

“Dan's always happy to get in the car.”

He huffed a laugh, “actually Dan's generally happy whatever the situation, but it's fine. He was coming over to spend some time at the factory tomorrow anyway so we're all good.”

“Great.”

Christian looked to Mark who simply nodded. He had considered suggesting Mark had a go in the other car, but this year's version was considerably different to the cars Mark had driven in his time and bringing one of the older versions would have only made the day more complex when they really had enough to deal with as it was.

Britta spoke up, noting Christian's mention of cameras.

“So you're aware that today is technically a filming day within the regulations of testing?”

“Sure.”

“Okay, so they're our guys. They'll only be here in the afternoon to get a few shots of you out on track doing your thing and then in the garage to demonstrate what we're doing here today.”

Sebastian nodded. He didn't much fancy having cameras around, but he was going to have to get used to that too if he was going to be going back racing.

Christian caught Mark's eye and reassured them both.

“Nothing too intrusive. We'll only have a bit of filming at the end of the day when you're comfortable, nothing before then, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb.

“We'll decide what to do with the footage later,” explained Britta, “maybe put it on the website, or give it to a couple of broadcasters for pieces when you're back.”

Sebastian nodded again. He really didn't care what they did with it as long as he was left alone for the majority of the day.

“Right then, we've set aside one of these rooms for you to get changed in and all your stuff is in there if you're ready?”

“Yep, fine. I just want to get going,” asserted Sebastian.

“Good stuff. Britta, do you want to show them?”

 

They all stood and Britta led the pair away to go find the small room that was taking the place of Sebastian's usual private room in the motorhome. They walked in to find what must usually operate as another little office, with a couple of swivel chairs and a desk on which was placed two of Seb's helmets and bits of kit with his race suit and Nomex underclothes hung on the back of the door. To the side was a small sofa which looked as though it had never been sat on.

“Okay, so it's a bit make-do, but hopefully you'll be okay here?” checked Britta.

“Thanks Britta. Oh, bathroom?”

“Right opposite.”

It was why she had selected this room.

“Ah, thanks. Well guess I'd better get on.”

Britta left them to it and Mark closed the door behind her.

“Not exactly home sweet home, but it'll do for today,” commented Mark.

Seb huffed a little laugh and reached over the desk to pull the blinds more closed, just in case. Standing back he picked up one of the helmets and looked at it.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yep.”

“You want me to push off and go bother the guys downstairs?”

Sebastian laughed.

“No, stay. You can tell me how great I look in my race-suit.”

“You always look great in a race-suit.”

Seb started to get changed, looking over to Mark who was sat perched on the desk.

“You're just going to watch me undress?”

Mark shrugged.

“I can think of worse activities.”

Seb smiled, knowing Mark was trying to keep him buoyed up. He changed into his fire-proof underclothes and stepped into his race-suit, letting Mark zip it up for him before going over to retrieve his race boots and pulling them on.

“How do I look then?”

“Good mate, very good,” Mark assured.

He leant in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek, casting a look down and grinning.

“Very sexy.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes but he did smile in response. Mark looked at him more sensibly.

“How does it feel?”

“Bit strange.”

Mark nodded. It did feel a bit strange to see Seb dressed ready to race. He was trying to think of something encouraging to say when there was a knock on the door and Britta poked her head through the doorway when they answered.

“All good?”

“Yep,” replied Sebastian.

 

They went back through to where they had been sat before and found Dr. Phillips waiting with Christian.

“The doc just wants a minute with you Seb,” he explained, “why don't we head down and you can join us?”

He looked to Mark who nodded, despite not wanting to be parted from Sebastian even for that minute, but he knew that was ridiculous, particularly when Seb was about to go off and drive a car on his own. Mark smiled and nodded, leaving Seb to undergo his last minute medical checks before being allowed to come down to catch them up.

There were a couple of extra guys from Renault that Sebastian didn't know as well so he restricted himself to chatting with his engineers and Rocky. Mark let him get on and instead talked to Adrian who really had no need to be here given the basic nature of the running for the day but who had come anyway, hoping that his presence would count as support and not extra pressure on Sebastian. He could tell how little attention Mark was really paying to him as he watched Seb now heading over to chat with the mechanics and look over the first car they had lined up for him to drive.

The guys greeted him again and proceeded to show Seb over the little race car, taking him through the fairly simple controls, Seb continuing to nod along as they proceeded to show him over the engine for reasons he wasn't entirely sure about, but wasn't about to object to. He was merely glad that the team were acting as if this was all normal; a four time world champion having to be coached through the basics. If he stopped to think about it Sebastian knew the idea that he ought to feel ashamed of needing all this might creep in and take over, but he couldn't allow that. They were all behaving professionally, Seb knew he had to do the same.

“She's small but should be pretty nippy,” explained Dave cheerily.

“Yeah, looks it,” Seb agreed.

Christian came over and placed a hand on Sebastian's shoulder.

“Right, so what do you think?”

Seb nodded.

“Yep, fine.”

“Ready to give it a go?”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian went over to the side where he had left his helmet near Mark who picked it up and handed it to him with a nod, accidentally on purpose touching Seb's fingers as he passed it over and grazed his thumb over the top of his hand.

Seb could only give Mark a nod back. He couldn't think of anything to say. Maybe there was nothing _to_ say. As he walked back over to the car Seb kept his face as impassive as he could. It really just an ordinary Renault with a better engine souped up to go faster. No big deal. He could do this.

He stood by the car, pulling on his helmet and fixing up the back to the Hans device and tugging his gloves on, then climbed into the bucket racing seat and let one of the guys reach in to check his seatbelt was done up correctly before starting up the engine and doing as requested, giving it a few revs and reassuring the waiting group that he was good to go before Christian gave the nod and one of the mechanics shut the car door. Sebastian only allowed himself a moment's pause before slowly rolling out of the garage into the narrow pitlane and pressing just a little harder on the accelerator past the pits and round the bend towards the entry slip onto the track.

This was fine. It was just a fancier version of a normal car. They only wanted him to do one lap round as a trial. The engineers had reassured him that they weren't even looking at the times. He just had to get a feel for things. Seb pulled out onto the track and around at the exit of Copse, past all the empty grandstands that made the place feel like a ghost town.

The first thing that struck him was how slow the car felt. Sebastian found himself smiling at that, thinking surely it had to be a good sign that he wanted to go faster. His boss's voice came over the radio in his ear, asking how he was doing and all Seb could say was 'fine,' before taking a deep breath and putting his foot down to accelerate into the sweeping curves of Maggots, Becketts, hanging on to the steering wheel and shutting out all thoughts of how he didn't know this car at all or how it would respond.

He just had to trust it. He wasn't even going that fast, hardly more than he had managed in Mark's Porsche yesterday really. He smoothed out the car from the bends as he entered the Hangar Straight and looked ahead. Seb knew he had to really try along here. Just see what he could get the car to do and not think at all about the fact that there was a fairly sharp right turn at the end of this run. Nothing to worry about. He could brake as early as he liked and no one would care. It was just a first run.

Seb looked ahead and concentrated instead on working his way up through the gears and letting himself feel a little release as the speed picked up. The corner came up surprisingly fast and Sebastian stamped hard on the brakes, feeling the car jerk in response. It made his heart jump for a moment, but his instincts kicked in; He knew what to do, he needed to release the brakes to make sure he didn't flat-spot the tyres, then reapply them more slowly to take the bend smoothly. It was nowhere near the correct racing line, but acceptable for a first go. Sebastian rounded out of Stowe and found himself already thinking about how the balance of the car was a little too forward and wondering if he could ask the guys to fix that for his next run.

 

In the garage Mark moved from where he had been stood with Britta to sidle up to Christian and the engineers.

“Am I allowed to ask?” he risked.

Christian looked up from the screens tracking Seb's movement and those measuring his speed and the output of the car. They'd told Seb that they weren't looking at the time, but everyone knew that was just a turn of phrase. What they'd meant was that they weren't overly concerned about it, certainly not on this first run. Christian smiled and raised an eyebrow at Mark as he stood upright.

“He's doing good. Pretty fast actually for an out-lap in that car.”

Mark nodded. Seb going fast. Surely that was the least surprising thing in the world? These things were relative though, this was nothing compared to an F1 car, it was only about getting used to going around the track, no reason for Mark to get worked up. It just needed to go well so Seb could make the next step.

 

In no time at all Sebastian was pulling up in front of the garage and the team headed over to have a few words with him. Mark hung back but made sure he was in Seb's eye-line as he spoke to Christian and his guys, simply giving him a nod to show that everything was okay. It was hard to tell with the helmet on but Mark thought Sebastian seemed alright.

Sebastian looked to the couple of mechanics that were stood by his open door.

“You're right, she's pretty nippy Dave, but I reckon we need to make a few tweaks.”

Christian smiled and stood back while his driver consulted with them. It didn't really matter whether Sebastian could improve this car seeing as it was just part of the process, but the process was important. They could do whatever they wanted to it as far as Christian was concerned until Seb felt comfortable with the car and ready to move up a gear.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian finished looking over the SR01 that he was going to try next and took a moment to come over to speak with Mark.

“Okay?”

“Yep. You ready to give this one a go?” checked Mark, still carefully keeping his tone upbeat.

“Yeah I think so. It's still just a step up from a road car.”

“Sure.”

“And the little one was fine.”

'The little one' thought Mark. It was still a race car, even if from a distance it did look like something you might pop to the supermarket in.

“Of course it was. They seem pleased,” Mark noted.

“Mm, I know they _are_ looking at the times.”

Mark shrugged and glanced over.

“They just keeping an eye that's all. You're doing great.”

He ran his hand lightly down Seb's arm and gave him a smile.

“Don't forget to say if you need a break, yeah?” Mark reminded.

“I'm alright. I want to see what it feels like with a bit more speed.”

“Okay.”

“I'll take one after this. If it goes well then I can try the car.”

Mark nodded, knowing what he meant. The F1 car was always 'the car', as if no other vehicles really counted.

 

He hung back again while Sebastian got ready to try the next more powerful car, still consoling himself that it was only a GT car similar to those he encountered in his WEC races, usually whilst zooming past in his far faster LMP1 car. It was fine. Mark turned to his side and made another attempt to chat about something innocuous with Britta to distract them both.

 

Sebastian stretched the car out along the straight and was surprised by how fast this one felt. This was still nothing to his F1 car so he knew it was a good job they were giving him this opportunity to build-up rather than jumping straight into his own car, which might have come as something as a shock. He braked early so he could ease into the corner and not repeat the mistake of being too eager as he had in the last one. The brakes were better too, as was the acceleration coming out of the bend, much better. It was a good car. Seb took a calming breath and pushed on, continuing to get more of a feel of things and pushing harder as he went along, exploring the capabilities of the car and himself.

Coming into the left, right, left jinks of Vale and Club Seb started to feel the g-force really tugging at his neck for the first time and was glad that Antti had done some work on building up the muscles there to prepare him. He was here today as well, lurking at the back of the garage even though there was really nothing for him to do and Sebastian had done little other than say hello to him. Seb knew that plenty of team had come today merely to see how he got on. He tried to take it as support rather than scrutiny, but Sebastian did have to admit to himself (something Mark had agreed as well when Seb had mentioned it) that he wasn't at all sad that Helmut had an important meeting already scheduled in Austria today. Actually thinking about it Christian hadn't seemed overly disappointed either and Sebastian had a sneaking suspicion that the timing of today might not have been entirely coincidental. Still, if that was true Seb gave thanks. He had more than enough pressure to deal with today.

 

 

Sebastian worked through the programme, coming in and out of the pits, doing laps of the track and trying to improve. He never stopped thinking about the fact that this was only a stage to go through, but it was important that he got it right, so Sebastian gave it his full attention, treating the time as if it was FP1 on a race weekend and his lap times and feedback on the handling of the car had consequences other than merely showing his team that he could do this. It was actually easier that way. It meant he was thinking about the situation systematically rather than allowing himself to give in to the emotions and worries that hadn't really gone away regarding how he would get on when he tried the 'real' car later. One step at a time.

 

 

Sebastian had hardly noticed that it was almost midday when Christian suggested they take a break for lunch. They had still been working on driving the RS01 but his boss seemed happy, commenting that seeing as the regulations limited the distance he was allowed to drive the RB11 as part of this test, it didn't matter that they were behind schedule as they had plenty of time in the afternoon. Once he had managed to escape both Dr. Phillips and Antti checking up on him, Seb got away with Mark to go upstairs, grab some food that had been laid on and hide out for a bit. Seb had undone his race-suit and tied the arms around his waist, starting to feel more comfortable in this garb once more, but he didn't bother changing seeing as they didn't have long.

They settled down on the little sofa, balancing plates on their knees and eating quietly for a while before Sebastian spoke up.

“You don't think it's bad I'm running behind do you?”

“Hm? No. It was only a general run-down. They seem happy. Why what did Christian say?”

“No he seemed fine.”

“So it's fine then. They want to do this right.”

Mark put his plate down on the floor and turned more to face Seb.

“You've really been doing great,” he reassured.

“Thanks.”

Mark tipped his head to the side a little to examine Sebastian's expression.

“And you're really feeling okay? It's not making you feel too tired or sick or anything doing all those laps round and round?”

Seb looked back at him.

“I'm really okay. I promised you I'd say didn't I?”

“Yeah okay. Sorry.”

Seb shook his head, knowing how difficult Mark was finding it to let him get on and do this.

“It's okay, I've been in and out of the car all morning going over stuff, so I think that helps.”

Mark nodded.

“Well that's good.”

“Probably going to make the day longer though seeing as we're so behind.”

“Don't worry about that. It's good that you're taking the time, that the team is. Don't you think?” Mark reassured.

“I guess.”

Mark saw Sebastian still looked unconvinced so he continued.

“Sweetheart, I'm not sure you realise how good you are at this stuff.”

Seb frowned and Mark gave a shake of his head at how often Seb failed to appreciate his own good qualities.

“This: Working with the team, giving feedback and making improvements, talking with the engineers and the mechanics. You're really good at this. You put so much into it, you always have.”

Seb shrugged.

“I don't know how else I'd do it.”

“Exactly. But not everyone makes so much effort. That's why they like working with you, the team, they don't mind if it takes longer because it gets results. That's always how it's been, so don't worry that it's the same today, okay?”

“Okay,” accepted Sebastian.

 

He took a deep breath and let it out, then set down his own food on the floor so he could lean into Mark who slipped his arm around Seb. Mark omitted to comment on the fact that Seb had only eaten half his lunch, knowing it was an indication of nerves. He gave Sebastian a squeeze and kissed him on the temple.

“You're going to go fine this afternoon. It's just getting back to doing what you've done a thousand times, alright?”

“Alright.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Seb shook his head. He didn't want to talk, he just wanted to feel Mark hold onto him for a while and try to persuade his heart to slow down a bit. He glanced at Mark's watch; fifteen minutes till he was due back in the garage. Plenty of time.

 

 

By the time they were heading back downstairs Seb wasn't sure if he was calmer or not. He'd thought so a minute ago when he was sheltered in his little make-do private space with Mark, when he'd been given a long hug and Mark had nodded to him and told him for the umpteenth time today that he was going to do great and that he had this, that it was all just something he'd done so many times before, but walking into the garage now and seeing the spot where the previous car had been when he'd left now replaced by the F1 car with another identical one lined up next to it, Sebastian's heart revved up just like the engine surely would in a few minutes' time.

“Seb!”

Sebastian was jolted out of his thoughts to see Daniel striding over to give them both solid, back-slapping hugs of greeting.

“Seb, good to see you and Mark, mate, really good to see you.”

Sebastian gave Mark a sideways look, glad for the distraction.

“Oh so you're happier to see Mark?”

“What? No, I mean I've not seen him yet,” excused Daniel.

Mark gave Dan a pat on the arm.

“He's winding you up mate, don't worry. Yeah it's good to see you too.”

“Yeah, course,” agreed Seb, “and it's really good of you to come this afternoon.”

“Nah no trouble, any excuse to get in the car, right?”

“Sure,” nodded Seb, his eyes drawn to the cars once again.

 

Christian came over to join them.

“Right, well what with all our guys have been asking of Seb here we're running a bit behind so Dan you've plenty of time to get changed and do whatever you need to do,” he explained.

“Ah righto, guess I'll push off then,” agreed Daniel.

He caught Mark's eye who gave him a nod and guessed that they'd prefer to have a few less eyes on Seb while he made his first foray. Dan wondered whether to say something to Seb, but he couldn't think what other than 'good luck' and that seemed patronising, so he nodded to his boss.

“See you in a bit,” parted Dan, then left them to it.

 

 

After going through everything again with the team, Sebastian stepped over to the car and looked at it up close. So this was fine. The controls were exactly the same as in the sim which he'd been practising in so he didn't need to worry about that. He hadn't felt any motion sickness or dizziness this morning despite doing multiple laps in a row so Seb thought that Dr. Roberts must have been right when she predicted that his brain would react better to being in a real environment. Of course that had been in the slower cars, but still it was a good sign and when he'd reassured Dr. Phillips just now that he was fine, Seb had meant it. Physically at least. Mentally Seb wasn't one hundred percent sure. He couldn't ignore how anxious he felt about having a go in 'the real thing'. Once he put his helmet on Seb knew he would be able to hear how hard his heart was beating. Maybe it would be better once they fired up the engine and it could try to drown the noise out?

 

Adrian came over to stand by him.

“We just want to do a quick extrication test first,” he stated.

Sebastian looked at him, thinking that highlighting the need to know what to do if he crashed wasn't the most reassuring start, but he understood that these things were necessary. He wondered why Adrian was doing this when it wasn't really his job, but maybe he just wanted something practical to do around here. There was an engineer stood by him with a stopwatch and a clipboard. Very old school, very Adrian really. The thought made him want to smile but Seb hid it by nodding and responding.

“Sure, no problem.”

He took another step closer and Sebastian worked hard to shut down his nerves. It was just his car, the same car he had driven any number of times this year. Seb looked down at the pristine shiny bodywork and realised that of course the truth was that this _wasn't_ really the same car at all. His car had been destroyed in the crash. He hadn't asked anyone about the specifics, but his best guess was that the only recognisable part that had been saved was his custom fitted seat.

At least that was something. It was _his_ seat, molded perfectly to support Sebastian so he should be comfortable. So comfortable that Seb occasionally considered taking a nap in it when there had been long spells spent in the garage waiting to go when there was a problem out on track and he was kept hanging around. Sebastian recognised the irony of that. He was usually chomping at the bit ready to get out on track and now he wasn't sure if he was ready to even get into the car.

“Right, so shall I just hop in?” Seb offered in a tone that betrayed nothing of the nerves jangling inside of him.

“Yes please. You, erm, you know the score with this, right?” checked Adrian.

“Yeah course. Just say go and I'll jump out. No problem.”

There were a couple of the mechanics hanging around on the other side of the car, clearly waiting for the action to start. They were all waiting on him. Seb looked back over to where Mark was a few feet away and made eye-contact. He looked away and back at the car, giving himself a quick pep-talk.

Okay just do it. Stop over-thinking it all and get in to do what they need you to do. _Just do it._

 

Sebastian climbed into the car and sat back, reaching round to pull the seatbelts over and fixing them in place, then moving his hands out of the way to allow one of the mechanics to lean in and check that they were properly connected. He didn't tighten the belts yet, waiting until he was going to be ready to go. Seb ran through the little test twice to satisfy them that he was safe to get out of the car in an emergency. ' _Not that there's going to be one,'_ Adrian smiled, Sebastian fixing on a matching smile to nod back.

Once that was done Sebastian climbed back into the car once again, thinking it was best to stay in it as much as possible to acclimatise himself. The cockpit of his car should feel comfortable, safe, it should feel as if it was _his_ space. The mechanics gathered around making a few last minutes alterations to the car and talking to Sebastian about the set-up. Rocky and his engineer crouched on the right hand side, going over once again what they planned for him to do; Nothing complicated, just an out-lap then back in, the same as earlier, then another depending on whether he wanted to make any changes, then a few more to try to build-up speed, then they would see where they went from there. All very straight-forward.

“So that all makes sense?”

“Sure.”

Christian had come to join them.

“So Sebi, you ready to go or do you want a minute?”

Sebastian nearly said he was good to go but he hesitated and Christian nodded, interpreting it as meaning Seb wanted a moment. Christian stood up and looked over to the chief mechanic who was finishing off adjusting the exact angle of the front-wing to account for the wind-speed outside and gave him a flick of his eyes, indicating that they should step away.

 

Sebastian nodded thanks and sat still in the car for a moment, feeling the pedals under his feet and the steering wheel in his hand. The seatbelt wasn't done up at the moment, but when it was it would hold him so tightly ensconced in this seat that he should almost feel a part of the car. Seb looked at all the buttons and switches and reminded himself that he knew what they all did. He closed his eyes for a moment and visualised the track, instinctively angling his head a fraction to oppose the pull of each corner as he imagined his way around the circuit. Once he was all the way back round Seb re-opened his eyes and took a deep breath. Okay, he could do it. He just had to actually try it.

He looked to the side and saw Mark watching him. He wasn't talking to anyone as he had been before. Seb knew Mark was nervous. This was real. This was the part they had been worrying about. They looked into one another's eyes for a moment, then Mark gave him a tiny nod and walked over to duck down by the side of the car.

“Hey,” Mark greeted softly.

“Hey.”

“Alright?”

Sebastian gave him a sharp nod and Mark nodded back more slowly. Sebastian turned as much as he could in this seat to look at him and Mark edged closer. Seb put his lower arms so they rested on the edge of the cockpit and felt oddly as if he was talking to Mark whilst sat in the bath. People did refer to the cockpit of an F1 car as 'the tub' so he supposed it wasn't that strange. He glanced around and saw that everyone was busying about, avoiding paying him too much attention. Seb was sure it was deliberate, but that was good, it was thoughtful of them to give him this. It crossed his mind that there was still no sign of those cameras Britta had spoken of. She must be delaying them from coming in here till the very end. Seb was grateful for that too. He didn't want his nerves recorded for all to see. He didn't care so much if they were positioned out on track, hopefully he would be going too fast to notice them.

“You're going to be fine,” reassured Mark in a quiet soothing tone low enough for only Seb to hear.

Sebastian nodded again and pushed a breath through his nose. When he'd talked about the possibility of doing this test with Dr. Menton last week his therapist had suggested a few techniques for keeping calm, most of which seem to involve slow breathing and avoiding worrying about the bigger picture, concentrating only on the immediate tasks at hand and keeping them as simple as possible.

In a moment the guys would come over and start the engine and he would rev it to find the first bite-point. He could do that. Then he would crawl out of the garage and down the pitlane, just the same as he had done in the other cars this morning. He could do that too. Then he simply had to drive the car around the track. He didn't have to go too fast, just not so slow that the tyres went cold and lost their grip. That was the challenge, but he wasn't at that point yet, so he could close that problem off until he had to deal with it.

 

Mark was struggling to hold in what he really wanted to say which was, 'we can just go home, you don't need to put yourself through this,' but that didn't help. All he could do was look in Seb's eyes and try to read them: Nervous. As was he. But they didn't give up just because they were scared. Mark rested his right hand carefully on top of Sebastian's left hand where it sat on the edge of the car but instead of rubbing there where everyone could see Mark slipped his thumb below to sneak it under the edge of Seb's race-suit cuff. He stroked his thumb back and forth an inch or so inside, back and forth slowly over the little tattoo before stopping and pressing very gently into Sebastian's pulse point to feel how fast it was going.

He looked at Seb and gave him a tiny nod, trying to tell him 'me too.'

“Nerves are good,” Mark reminded Seb quietly, “adrenaline is good; Keeps you sharp, keeps you safe, okay?”

“'kay.”

“'kay.”

Mark nodded.

“You can do this,” Mark spoke in barely a whisper, his head close to Sebastian's, “remember what I said.”

They looked at one another, each recalling what had passed between them only ten minutes earlier when they had held each other tight, both knowing how scared the other was. Mark speaking directly into Seb's ear telling him what he had during difficult moments before, knowing how Seb had overcome those challenges;

“You're the bravest person I've ever known.”

The words echoed in Sebastian's head now, he had to be brave, he had to be the person Mark always told him he was. He had to believe him, because Mark only ever told him the truth.

“Yeah.”

“Okay then. Let's show them.”

Sebastian nodded. He couldn't slow his heart down, he just had to go with what he had; adrenaline pumping, fight or flight. Time to fly.

 

 

 

Sebastian edged out the garage, his hands turning the steering wheel right into the pitlane. He could still feel where Mark's fingers had touched his when he had handed him his helmet and gloves and kept them in place for a moment longer than strictly necessary, saying what couldn't here in the garage. Mark believed in him.

It was alright, he could do this. He just had to break it down and deal with each immediate challenge; Down the pitlane gathering speed, feeling the way the car responded to the slightest pressure of his foot on the accelerator, far more delicate than the earlier cars. Seb worked on focussing only on that and not the rate blood was racing through his body. The voice came in his ear reminding him that this was just a single lap and then he was to come in again.

“Yep, got it.”

Okay the bends again, the swishing open section of the track. Remembering how the cross-wind caught the car this morning as he approached Chapel, Sebastian slowed slightly, knowing he would be able to pick up again on the straight.

“Seb you need to be going just a little faster to keep the temps up,” he was reminded.

Damn, too slow, he'd been thinking too far ahead. Sebastian knew he had to break it down into smaller chunks. Push now and don't think about braking until he'd gone under the bridge, then slow into Stowe and take the inside of the curve to make the apex before swinging wide.

“We just need a _bit_ more speed.”

The voice was glacially calm but Sebastian felt the pressure. He knew they weren't asking because they wanted to put that pressure on him, he knew it was essential or he would actually be making the car more difficult to drive.

Push a little harder, dare a little more, risk braking later and _oh god_ , his heart was in his mouth as the back end stepped out as he first suffered under-steer turning into Vale, then over-compensated and the car nearly got out of control. _Fuck, fuck._ Sebastian gripped the steering wheel so hard he thought the solid material might deform under his hands but it didn't. The car came back to him in time to come out of the left, right bend and by the time he came round Club Sebastian felt back in control again. His heart was pounding loudly in his ears, but Seb tried to ignore that and focus on the fact he had just saved that wobble.

As he pointed the car along the International Straight past the huge Silverstone Wing complex Seb felt brave enough to press harder again. It was okay.

“Alright Seb?”

Christian's voice, an edge betrayed by a slightly higher tone.

“Yeah, okay,” Sebastian reassured as calmly as he could.

 

He let himself relax into it as he sped along the long straight and as Sebastian calmed down a part of his brain realised that throughout this he had been doing all the actions required to operate the functions on the steering wheel hardly thinking about them. Seb hadn't hesitated. That was good. He'd controlled the problem and recovered it. His heart might have been in his mouth in that moment but he'd powered on. Maybe he was brave like Mark said? He had to be braver still.

“That's it Seb, good. If you want to you can release DRS along Wellington we can give that a try,” came his engineer's voice again.

It was an open offer, but Sebastian knew he had to try it. He flicked the switch and felt the boost to the car's speed, his eyes never lowering from their view of the road to look at the wheel. It felt fast, very fast, even though Seb knew that the car was capable of much more. He'd passed Nico here in the race all those months ago when DRS had been the vital tool giving him the advantage enabling him to get past the better car and take the second place that had meant so much. As he slowed around the long 'U' of Luffield Sebastian thought how he could never have anticipated this day back then. He'd taken a risk to get by and it had come off. Now simply trying out the DRS with no one else on the track felt like a risk, but taking risks was his job. He had to embrace it.

 

“Okay Sebi, come on in and we'll have a quick chat.”

Christian's voice now instead of the engineer's. Seb hoped he wasn't too disappointed with his speed and the mistake he had made. He turned into the slip road and dropped his speed even further to trundle down to the garages they were operating out of today, stopping safely outside where the team of mechanics were waiting for him. Seb lifted his visor to help hear his boss leaning in to talk to him while he paused in place.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, good. You picked up well through that.”

“Iffy moment through Vale.”

Christian nodded. They'd all noticed that. It was at that point he'd wished he hadn't given Mark a set of headphones to listen in. He wondered if Seb even realised that he had sworn out-loud in that moment.

“Don't worry about it. Under-steer?”

“Yeah, but I only really felt it there.”

“Other than that?”

“I need to go faster.”

Christian almost laughed. He hadn't wanted to say that.

“You want to try again?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Christian turned to indicate to the team.

“Guys, we go again. How did the brakes feel?”

“Fine.”

Sebastian paused as he realised he hadn't even thought about the braking other than the fact he knew he was being a little cautious slowing early. It hadn't been because he had consciously thought that he might not stop, but because he'd been slower throughout. He had to do something about that this lap; hang it out a little more, make sure he was taking the correct line through the corners to come out of them faster.

“How was my speed?”

“Only an out-lap,” dismissed Christian. “We can look at it this go if you want to string a couple together?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Good.”

Christian stood up and took a pace back as the mechanics did likewise and Sebastian stole the opportunity the moment presented to look into the garage to see Mark still stood towards the back. He hoped Mark was doing okay.

 

Mark pushed a smile onto his face and resisted the urge to give Seb a little wave. Seb was going again without coming in properly. Mark knew this was the way to do it, but that moment Seb had had half-way round the lap had turned his stomach to mush. He'd pulled it back, but now Seb was going to go faster. Of course he was. This was torture.

 

Three laps in and Sebastian was really beginning to get into the swing of things. He was managing to multi-task, operating the car and driving around the track whilst making the necessary adjustments and listening to the commands and feedback over the radio. His brain was storing up the information he needed; Where the gusts of wind hit in, where the cold track was behaving differently to how it usually did during the race in July, where he could really stretch out the advantage of having the place to himself and blast along the blank canvas of the straights. He'd had a couple of minor lock-ups into the bends as he began to test the limits a bit more, but nothing too major.

He was starting to feel the car more and make mental notes about what he needed to tell them to alter so it responded better. It wasn't quite an extension of his body yet, but it was starting to listen to him, and Seb was listening back. He was beginning to feel the flow, let the motion of the energy running through the car sooth him and remind him that this was what he knew. This familiar track and his car doing what he asked of it. He let his body move slightly to absorb the g-forces as he slinked in/out of the corners, feeling the slight strain on his neck and remembering to lean into the head-rest where he could to give himself a little break on the easier sections.

Seb felt relief sinking in that this was actually easier than the simulator as he got confirmation that all these sensations running through him meant everything he could see matched the movements his body felt, not just the car, but every bump of the road, the thrum of the engine matching the noise in his ears. Every protective item of clothing he wore wasn't enough to block out the rush of the wind registering in his brain and it felt familiar, it felt right. It all added up correctly in his brain to tell Sebastian that this was his natural environment. He didn't feel sick, he was starting to feel free.

 

 

Back in the garage Mark was having to practice some subtle slow breathing himself, hoping that it wasn't obvious to all around him. Britta had disappeared from his side when her phone rang but she was back now.

“Everything okay?” he checked.

“Mm? Yeah, well you know. Same old.”

Mark quirked an eyebrow at that, wondering precisely what she meant, so Britta decided she might as well tell him.

“Word's out that we're here today and it doesn't take a genius to work out why,” she explained.

“Oh.”

“Don't worry about it. We'll put out a brief release at the end of the day to keep the media happy. I'll keep it vague enough but I don't think there's any harm people knowing Seb is taking more steps to get back racing.”

Mark nodded.

“Suppose not, yeah, fair enough. You don't think any of them will try to pitch up to have a nose around?”

Britta smiled at him.

“You don't think I warned off security on the gate this morning?”

Mark had to smile back.

“I should never have doubted you.”

Britta merely gave a slight incline of her head and Mark nodded. He guessed that press release was already written and waiting to go. He shouldn't have held any doubts. Nor about Sebastian who might be giving him a pulse rate to surely match Seb's own currently, but Mark knew he was doing well. The team were calling him in now and Seb was already passing on a few notes via the radio on his slow-down lap about what he wanted them to do to the car to improve it.

 

By the time the mechanics had made their adjustments and Seb had spoken to the engineers, Dan was down in the garage stood looking over his own car. Sebastian hadn't got out, not wanting to break things up and Mark had left him to it just as he usually did in free practice sessions. Seb was working. Mark's job was to offer largely silent support. A look, a nod, a smile. Positive reinforcement that didn't betray how much Mark was really looking forward to this day being over. He wanted it to be a success, but the quicker they got there the better. Mark laughed internally at the irony of that notion. Every time he heard them encouraging Seb to go faster he had to stop himself balling his fists with anxiety.

 

Seb went off out again to see if the car was to his liking now, then the team had told him that they wanted to put Dan in the other car soon and let him practice some racing manoeuvres, or as Christian put it 'have a little play'.

A few more laps round, getting faster each time as Seb built his confidence in the car, feeling it working with him now the team had corrected the niggles that had been bothering him. Push the accelerator, the braking points, the extent Seb could edge onto the lines to skim a little more time off by making the turns a little sharper, make the racing line his own.

He asked the engineers what the time on that last lap was and frowned inside his helmet.

“That's still point eight off,” Sebastian reported.

Rocky looked along the line of engineers towards Adrian and Christian and nodded to them.

Christian in turn looked at Adrian who made sure that the radio wasn't broadcasting before he explained.

“He means to his fastest lap in this year's race.”

“I know, but he remembers.”

Adrian turned to Seb's race engineer.

“You've been doing comparisons on the sim?”

“Yes, all week.”

Christian nodded. Of course it made sense that Sebastian liked targets, demanded them even, but it was still quite something that he had it memorised. Christian wasn't sure if he wasn't more impressed by that than anything else. The times might still be off, but he had to admit he _was_ impressed. Christian had never doubted Sebastian's work ethic, nor his sincerity in his desire to get back racing as soon as he could, but the way Seb had really got down to business today, the way he had communicated with the team and made progress as a result, that meant more to Christian than whether Seb actually matched the times set a couple of months back. Maybe Sebastian really might be ready to face the real test of going to Austin?

 

Seb answered the call to come in so they could refuel the car and have another quick chat before sending Dan out to join him. As he sat in the car he raised his visor and returned his team-mate's cheery wave before he climbed into his own car. Seb leaned in to speak to his engineer once he had finished pointing out on the little lowered screen where he could improve.

“Tell Dan it's gusting out by the end of Maggots Becketts and over at Stowe,” Sebastian advised.

“We have, it's fine.”

“Right, of course.”

“Thank you though.”

Christian came over.

“Are you sure you don't need a break?”

“Hm? Oh no it's fine. I'd rather just get on with it.”

“Okay, as long as you're sure. Right, well we'll give you a few calls here and there to test a couple of things, but other than that you and Dan are free to enjoy yourselves a bit,” Christian explained, “house rules still apply of course.”

Within his helmet Sebastian smiled. 'House rules' meant 'don't do anything stupid like get over-competitive and run into one another.'

“Sure. Got it.”

“Okay well Britta's asked me to tell you that the cameras have got most of what they needed out on track and they just get a few shots of you with Dan and then they'll come in to set up here so they'll be around when you get back,” Christian warned.

“Fine.”

Sebastian thought he'd spotted them filming over by Abbey. He looked at his boss.

“I'll have to remember not to swear then?”

Christian chuckled.

“Precisely, yes. Okay well I'll get out of your way.”

Christian turned to have much the same conversation with Seb's team-mate whilst Sebastian had a few last words with his guys and then he only had time to catch Mark's eye and feel his support before they headed out.

 

As requested both cars completed an out-lap before listening on the radio to obey instructions to carry out a couple of co-ordinated manoeuvres, swapping positions on track and over-taking one another by slipstreaming and using DRS on the straights, then they were released to do as they pleased, naturally falling into doing mini races into the bends whilst taking care not to get too close. They hadn't needed to discuss precisely what they would do between the two drivers. Each knew the other wasn't stupid and Dan had too much respect for Sebastian to make things easy for him. Christian had advised him to let Seb test himself a bit, so Dan pushed into Stowe, closing on on Sebastian, then nipped inwards to the nearside and giving himself the inside line, knowing that Sebastian would have to give him room. Dan held his position, clipped the apex and went ahead.

Seb huffed inside his helmet. He should have seen that coming when Daniel had been so close in his mirrors. He'd have to get him back. They tussled up and down along the next two straights and showed each other a nose going into the bends. They were too tight around Village and Luffield and neither wanted to face the wrath of the team if they took things too far. Sebastian pressed harder again as he passed the pits and edged alongside Daniel. It reminded him for a brief moment of the times he had tangled with Fernando around here. If he kept his nerve around the bend of Copse Sebastian was sure he could do the same as he had back then and out-run Daniel ready to scoot into Maggots Becketts and build up a head of steam ready for pulling a gap on the Hangar Straight.

Daniel wasn't giving him an easy ride, he kept his foot in and Seb was glad that his team-mate wasn't simply letting him past. He didn't want to be felt sorry for and handed passes on a plate as if he was a charity case.

Both drivers continued to press as they pulled around the bend, neither giving an inch as their competitive instincts kicked in. The drivers glanced at one another, wondering who would give in, but neither did, then all of a sudden Sebastian realised he had edged further over than he had thought. As two wheels went over the white line the car slipped and he slid wide of the track onto the run-off area. It was on tarmac and Seb had only gone a couple of feet across whilst staying in the right direction, but the moment threw him and it took a second to pull it back by which time Dan was away and gone, leaving Sebastian swearing inside his helmet.

Christian's voice came on the radio, clearly perturbed.

“Boys!”

Daniel immediately apologised to their boss, and seconds later Sebastian spoke up as well.

“Sorry, just, yeah a bit too far there. My own fault.”

Christian sighed. Boys would be boys and he had been the one telling them to play.

“Okay, never mind. Just three laps left. Dan please slow along the straight and Seb catch up so you can go again. Keep it clean this time.”

Affirmatives from both came over the radio and Mark at the back of the garage took a deep breath before pulling his head-set off. Britta looked at him.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, I, um, I just need some fresh air for a moment,” he excused.

Britta watched him walk out the back of the garage and considered following but decided Mark needed some space.

 

Mark stepped out of the pit building and pushed out a slow breath. Without the usual TV pictures to look at he had been following the radio communications carefully and watching the computer screens to the side that tracked the drivers every move and it had showed only too clearly the moment Seb had come off track. It was only for a second and Seb had righted it quickly enough, but it made Mark's heart squeeze tight.

He reminded himself that they only had a couple of laps left then Seb would be in and this ordeal would be over. Mark paced up and down, glad that there was no one around out here to see him. He could hear the engines of the cars running out on track and caught a glimpse of the indigo colours flashing past through the fencing in the distance. Seb was okay, he was still going around. Mark knew he was just over-reacting.

Britta appeared in the doorway.

“They're coming back in now.”

Mark nodded.

“Nothing exciting to report.”

He slid her a smile, knowing she understood why had stepped out.

“They're going to have a camera on to film them in the pitlane and coming into the garage,” she noted.

“Right.”

Mark wasn't quite sure if she was asking him to behave in a certain way, but it was better to be aware.

 

Sebastian let Daniel go on ahead into the pitlane in front, allowing him the last moments on track before the day ended. It had gone okay. A few errors here and there and if he was entirely honest that little off had made him start pretty badly but he'd really only edged wide onto the run-off area. You did that all the time on practice runs. The important thing to focus on was that he had managed all his mistakes and learnt from them to improve. He'd done okay. He really had.

As Sebastian pulled up to a halt and the engineers hoisted the car up on the jacks to put it on the little dolly and push him back into the garage Sebastian finally set his head back and let out a long sigh. He'd done it. That was all that really mattered.

His heart was still beating nineteen to the dozen as he stayed sat in the car while they did they quick appraisal with the engineers leaning in with the screen in front of him. As he had pulled his helmet off Sebastian had noticed the camera filming him when he had been looking for Mark and remembered he had been warned they would be there. Best smile on. Seb ruffled his now damp hair that had been squashed under the fire-proof cowl and kept his eyes forward, acting as though he didn't know he was being recorded, concentrating on the words of his colleagues and trying not to let the relief he felt flowing through him show. He really wanted to get out and go give Mark a hug, but that wasn't possible just yet, he still had work to do.

 

The cameras filmed Sebastian getting out of the car, shaking hands with the mechanics and going over to stand with the engineers discussing things, Christian giving him a quick half-hug and Dan standing with him patting Seb on the back and apologising for temporarily getting a little carried away, then their boss told them they were going to take things upstairs to have a quick debrief. Seb caught Mark's eye again, trying to apologise for not coming over yet.

“Okay so we'll head up,” encouraged Christian.

Sebastian nodded and finally took the chance to go to Mark.

“Hey.”

Mark smiled at him warmly.

“Hey.”

Seb took one look at that smile and cast aside all concerns about the cameras, reaching up to put his arms about Mark's neck and closing his eyes for a second to feel Mark's arms slide round his back to pull him in tight for a moment before releasing him.

“We have to go debrief, sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's fine.”

“I don't think we'll be too long.”

“It's no problem. I'll kick my heels in your room, okay?”

“Okay.” Seb looked to his right. “Oh hi Britta, you alright?”

Britta smiled to see he had noticed she was there.

“Hi Seb. Good work out there.”

She looked to see that the two camera-men were now packing their equipment away.

“I just need to get a word with them. See you in a bit.”

 

Three-quarters of an hour later Sebastian finally left the engineer's meeting to go and find Mark, opening the door to find him sat on the sofa texting on his phone, looking bored.

“I'm so sorry, that ran on.”

Mark pushed himself up.

“No bother. All done?”

“Yep. We're going to talk again tomorrow at the factory, but...” a smile crept on to Seb's face, “Christian says he thinks I might be ready.”

Mark paused for a moment.

“To race?”

“Yeah. I might not be top-notch but he thinks the best way to improve is to do it.”

“Right, so this is for Austin?”

“Yeah. I mean it's not finalised, we were just talking, but definitely maybe.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Mark took a deep breath and remembered what he had promised himself about supporting Seb.

 

“Yep, that's great, really fantastic. You did amazing today, really amazing. I'm so proud of you.”

Sebastian's face went taut for a moment and Mark wondered how he could have said the wrong thing.

“Yeah?” checked Sebastian, feeling for a moment as though he could cry at the combination of relief he had managed today and hearing Mark's praise.

Mark dipped his head lower to look Seb right in the eye trying to see if he was okay.

“Yes darling, you were awesome.”

“I was really scared.”

Mark let out a shaky laugh.

“Me too sweetheart, terrified, but I told you, you're always so brave. I knew you could do it.”

The smile returned to Seb's face and Mark was so happy to see it he forgot all about his worries and swept Seb up into such a firm hug he nearly lifted him off his feet. Sebastian pushed up on his toes and reached his arms around Mark's neck to cling onto him for as long as possible.

 

As he set him down Mark smiled at Seb and leant in to plant a firm kiss on his lips.

“I was just telling my sister how well you'd done,” he explained.

“Oh yeah I should ring my family. I know they'll have been fretting.”

Mark nodded.

“Maybe when we get home. I could do with a shower and I don't much fancy it here.”

“Sure.”

Seb started to change into his normal clothes.

“You really think it was good then?” he asked as Mark retook his place on the sofa to give Seb room.

“Absolutely. I'm not saying you didn't give me a few more grey hairs, but still.”

Sebastian smiled at him, pausing pulling a t-shirt over his head.

“Sorry.”

Mark stood and went to join him, giving Seb another kiss on the cheek.

“You don't need to be sorry, you did great.”

“Gave myself a few frights too,” Sebastian confessed.

Mark nodded and reached for Seb's wrist to rub over the little fish once more as he looked Seb in the eye.

“That's what I mean by being brave, you get past it, you keep going, keep trying. Doing all that when you're scared is what makes you brave.”

“Guess you have to be brave too.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well maybe,” he agreed.

 

Sebastian thought how much of an ordeal all this must be for Mark and wondered if he had too casually run on about the possibility of returning to racing without consulting him.

“About Austin...”

“If they think you're ready, if _you_ think you're ready, then I back you one hundred percent,” stated Mark firmly.

Sebastian pushed up and pressed another kiss to Mark's lips.

“Thank you Liebling. You know I'll have to pass all the official tests first?”

“Yeah and you will.”

“Christian says we could ask the FIA representatives over on Friday.”

Mark nodded, thinking how typical it was that things should be moving fast.

“Righto.”

 

Sebastian raised a hand up and placed it at the side of Mark's face as he looked at him, knowing that Mark was giving his backing despite all his fears.

“You know I couldn't do any of this without you Liebling.”

Mark tried to think of a response to that and failed as he continued to look into Sebastian's eyes.

“Du bist mein Fels,” said Seb softly.

“Always darling.”

Sebastian's hand slid around to the back of Mark's head as he pulled him in to kiss him properly, forgetting everything else except how good it felt when they did this and how he loved it when Mark put his hands on that spot at the curve of his spine and pulled him close. He parted with a sigh.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Good, definitely good.”

“Shall we go home then?”

Seb nodded and gathered up his things to clear out, pulling on one of Mark's hoodies he'd come in today to face the cold wind outside. As they walked along through the building Seb hitched up his bag and Mark fitted his arm around Seb's shoulders. Christian caught sight of them and wondered whether to go over to have a few last words, but they looked happy and he knew today had been tough for both of them, so Christian left it. He could talk to Seb tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

By the time they got home Sebastian had to admit he was a little tired. He slumped down on the sofa and let out a long huff of air. Mark smiled and sat down beside him.

“Knackered?”

Seb turned his head resting on the back of the sofa and smiled at him.

“Bit.”

He let out another long puff.

“M'alright. Just the adrenaline wearing off I think.”

Mark nodded.

“How's the neck?”

Sebastian experimentally moved his head about.

“Guess I can feel it, but think I'll be okay.”

“Good.”

“Be alright when I've got my breath back a bit,” assured Sebastian.

“Sure. Okay well we can just have a nice relaxed evening.”

Seb nodded and stretched out his legs as the dogs pressed in against them. He would have sat up to give them a proper stroke but all his energy had ebbed away at the point Seb had reached the sofa.

“Cup of tea?” offered Mark.

Sebastian smiled and nodded. He felt so good now to know that he had got through the day largely unscathed and Mark could see it in his eyes. Mark turned from where he sat now on the edge of the sofa about to get up and leaned back in to give Seb a kiss.

“Successful day darling,” he praised.

“Yeah. Ahh, feels like a weight off don't you think?”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Certainly does. Onwards and upwards. Right, cup of tea then.”

Mark gave the dogs a happy rub and left them with Seb to go boil the kettle. Seb was right, it did feel as though a weight had been lifted off them. They might still have a way to go, but this step had been a significant one and the relief running through both of them now was palpable.

 

 

 

They spent a quiet evening, taking the dogs out for a short walk while dinner cooked in the oven then after that returning to the lounge to settle in together watching whatever happened to be on TV. As it got later the two of them snuggled in closer and closer, finally feeling relaxed, neither wanting to think beyond today's success to what lay ahead. Sebastian leaned in over Mark as they gradually became more horizontal and shuffled up him, Mark laughing as he kept his hands on Seb to stop him rolling off onto the floor. Once comfortably in position Seb stopped and leaned in to kiss him, setting his hands either side of Mark to help keep in place.

It felt so good to be like this, just to be in the moment, enjoying each other without having to think about anything else. The kisses stayed slow, comfortable, easy. They weren't in any rush to take this anywhere but as the programme on television that they were totally failing to pay any attention to finished, the news started up and the change in tone finally drew them back.

Seb let out a contented sigh.

“Alright sweetheart?” Mark checked.

“Mmm, yeah. It's got late, I hadn't realised.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark. “Wanna go up?”

Seb nodded and Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You gonna get off me then?” Mark teased.

“Hmm, maybe,” Sebastian teased back.

“Maybe?”

Mark raised and eyebrow, then moved one hand to reach up and tickle Seb under the ribs, gaining a jump and an _'Ahh'_ from Seb who moved before Mark could do it again. Sebastian clambered off Mark and the sofa before reaching to pull Mark up so they could go to bed. As they headed up the stairs Sebastian kept a hold of that hand. The dogs tried to follow them, but Mark shooed them back, reminding them they weren't allowed up anymore.

 

 

Entering the bedroom both of them knew where this was going. Today felt like a day of breaking barriers. They'd been building up long enough. One look in Seb's eye and a smile from each and that was all they needed to know.

Seb had already lost his t-shirt by the time they reached the bed, Mark pausing only as they sat down on the edge, putting his hand at the side of Seb's face for a moment to look at him. He tried to think of something to say, but lost himself in those blue eyes he loved, leaning in to kiss Seb again, slowly, not wanting to let anything get too rushed. He pulled away and smiled as Sebastian sighed.

“Tired?”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Not that tired. Not _too_ tired.”

He slipped his hand under Mark's shirt to emphasise his point, running it upwards and persuading Mark to let him pull it off him.

“You're sure?” Mark checked as soon as he was freed of the item of clothing.

“Yes. It's a good day, I want it to be a perfect day.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“No pressure then?”

Sebastian stroked his hand up Mark's side.

“Only if you want to too Liebling.”

Seb was looking up at him through his lashes and Mark knew he was lost, hopelessly lost.

He ran a hand down Seb's arm and tried to think sensibly.

“We take things slow, okay?”

“Okay. Slow is good.”

 

Mark nodded. Slow was good. He hoped he could remember that in a few minutes when his body recognised just how long it had been missing this. He moved back in to kiss Seb again and they manoeuvred themselves properly onto the bed, starting to make efforts to shed the rest of their clothes. Mark was consciously aiming to try to keep things slow, thinking it really was a good job that they had been working on building up to this all week or he might not have been able to stop himself getting carried away. It had been such a long time since they had last slept together properly, an eternity, a lifetime ago.

They'd been through so much in that time. Mark tried to push thoughts of that away but they crept in nonetheless. Seb's beautiful body as he kissed it, the places on his chest and shoulders where those terrible bruises had been the only visible sign of the damage done; The pulse in his neck that jumped, the hitch in Seb's breath, the signs that he was alive, alive and here with him when he could have been gone. He could have lost him, they'd come so close. Mark tried again to push the weight of those ideas away, but they lingered, impossible to ignore.

Going slowly only reminded Mark why it was important that they did so, making sure Seb was okay and that they eased back into things. Mark didn't want to ask again to remind Seb to say if anything was wrong, they had to get past that if things were going to be as they should be once again, if they were to be whole, to be normal, to be as they should be. Mark had to trust in Seb as he trusted in him. Mark tried to clear out his mind of all worries and let this be simply about reminding themselves how much they loved one another. He didn't want to let concerns about whether he might hurt Seb creep in. He wouldn't hurt him, the doctor had said it was all okay, Seb was doing fine and he'd promised to say if anything felt wrong. It was all okay.

 

Sebastian pulled up from kissing Mark's shoulder, wondering at the faraway look in Mark's eyes. He dropped back down to gently rest on top of him.

“You alright?”

“Hm?”

Mark recovered himself and gave Seb a warm smile.

“All good darling, all good.”

He ran his hands down Sebastian's shoulder-blades and stared into his eyes for a moment. Such beautiful eyes, Seb had such beautiful eyes. Mark took a deep breath and lifted his head from the pillow to kiss Seb and turn them so he lay on top. He started kissing him again and their bodies started to move, heart-rates increasing even while they tried to keep things slow. Their chests pressed together, starting to heave to draw in oxygen between kisses that lasted longer and longer as hands wandered lower and they each confirmed how much they wanted this.

Seb instinctively parted his legs to let Mark slide between them, raising his knees slightly and gasping for air as Mark lifted up a little to reach his hand down to touch him. He closed his eyes for a moment to concentrate on that and nothing else. His heart was beating so fast and heat lay just below the surface of his skin, the blood running hot. This was what Mark did to him, he overwhelmed him, but in the very best way possible. He'd missed this more than he knew.

“Mark.”

Seb's eyes were open now and met those above him.

“Hmm? Yeah.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb a peck of a kiss on the lips before pushing up. He reached over and open up the top drawer to find the lube that had fallen to the back, unused for too long. They'd been apart for too long.

As Mark returned to take things back up a level he reminded himself to relax. Seb was relaxed, he didn’t seem worried, he was happy and that was all that mattered. No over-thinking this. They just had to give in to their natural instincts and let themselves enjoy this. Mark started to touch Seb again, gently, watching his reactions, feeling him ease into it, making sure he was comfortable, happy, reminding himself of how incredible it felt just to be able to make someone feel this way, to see Seb's eyelashes flicker and the breath go uneven as Mark found just the right spot he knew to make him react, Seb's breaths becoming faster until they were lost to moans and Mark could only think about moving things on, taking his hand away and kissing away the sigh, knowing he'd make it better soon.

Sebastian lifted his legs up higher and wider, it was time, he needed him, needed Mark, needed to feel him inside him, to feel complete again. He sensed Mark pause and raised a hand to place it at the side of his face to make sure he had his full attention. Seb looked deep into his eyes and nodded.

“It's okay Liebling, it's good, yeah?”

Mark nodded back.

“Yeah, all good darling.”

Sebastian let his hand slide from by Mark's face to trail over his chest and down further, sending Mark a smile as he sent it lower to feel how hard Mark was and give him an encouraging stroke. He smiled more widely as Mark released a groan at that. No waiting any more.

Seb moved his hand away, not wanting to push Mark too far and as Mark recovered himself he dipped in for a kiss, letting his brain and his body just have a moment to try to gather itself, then shifted back just a little to push into him, the breath disappearing from both their lungs. Seb's head fell back and he squeezed his eyes tight to not let this get too much as the feeling engulfed him. Oh god, he'd nearly forgotten what this was like, this, just this, to be a part of one another as they should be, it was _everything_. How could they have waited so long for this?

 

Mark waited for Seb to reopen his eyes, holding himself still, knowing he always needed this moment. Nothing had changed, they were just the way they always were, the way they were meant to be. He still wanted to keep this as slow as he could, not because Mark thought he would hurt Sebastian now but because he didn't want to waste this. He lowered himself flat against Sebastian's body to feel his chest moving, his heart beating fast beneath. Mark rested his forehead down into Seb's and brushed their lips together, stealing the sigh that fell from them and pressing them together a little harder before Seb's mouth parted and things picked up, tongues tangling, and losing track of where they were.

Sebastian had to pull away, unable to get enough air through his nose and almost laughed as Mark fought to regain his mouth again, more urgency there now. He pressed his lips firmly back and kept his eyes on Mark's as Seb lifted his legs higher and hitched down a little to allow himself to wrap them around Mark, the movement drawing a groan from Mark that made Seb smile to know he could have that affect on him.

Mark pushed up on his arms and tried to keep things slow just a little while longer, to draw this out as long as he could and not let his body do what it wanted to and rush to get everything it wanted all at once. The blood was pumping in one direction, but enough remained in his brain to keep his actions slowed to appreciate this, just how incredible it felt, how much he'd missed it, missed Seb. Seb and him, _Sebandme_ , all one word, as they were; one.

Slow, _slow_. Fuck, Mark's heart felt anything but slow. Christ, Seb felt so good, so perfect. My Seb. _Mine._ The word burned in him.

Mark dropped his head and started trying to kiss every part of Sebastian's body that he could reach, he wanted to worship it, to possess it, to remind himself how he knew every part of it, to make it his again.

Seb lay below him, his eyes slid shut again and the tiny part of his mind that was still operating considered whether there actually was a chance this _could_ be too much as Mark kissed at his neck at just the spot he knew undid Seb entirely and Seb barely knew how he was still breathing. He opened his eyes just in time for Mark to move to kiss him on the lips once more and Sebastian pressed his hips up to encourage Mark to move a little more, feeling as though if they strung this out any longer he might very well explode as Mark had feared. A dark and twisted part of his sense of humour thinking that there were worse ways to go, but as Mark took the hint and started to move a little more vigorously that notion disappeared as Seb stopped thinking altogether, both of them did. They didn't need to think, they only needed to move. Their bodies knew each other, knew what they needed, knew what they could give one another and what they took from this, building to a point when even in their distracted state they wondered if they could take any more.

That feeling of falling and taking off at the same time, of reality slipping sideways. It was familiar and new at the same time. If Sebastian had been able to analyse anything at the point he tipped over the edge and felt Mark do the same, he might have recognised how close to fainting this really was as his brain momentarily shut down, but in every way that mattered this was nothing like that. When Seb fainted he was afraid, his body was letting him down and fleeing from the world. This was nothing like that. In this moment Seb only ever felt safe with Mark, felt calmer than he knew was possible. As he came down the only thing Seb felt was peace, total peace enveloping him just as Mark did, his arms warm and strong and protective as they wrapped around him and pulled him tight, so tight, as if he never wanted to let Seb go.

Mark squeezed his eyes tight just as he squeezed Sebastian, his arms sliding underneath Seb and pulling him closer than ever. Clarity was seeping into his brain as Mark slowed his hips that were still instinctively moving, Sebastian let his legs drop and they stopped but Mark could still feel Seb flutter and pulse around him, the sensation so incredible Mark didn't know he had gone without it this long. Mark took a deep breath and looked to see that the face below his was happy. He gazed into Seb's eyes and wondered if his own were as dazed.

“Okay?” Mark breathed.

Sebastian nodded, still drawing in air. Mark gave him a soft kiss then moved so he could lay his cheek against Seb's. He closed his eyes and did nothing but breathe, feeling Seb's arms around him in turn. Normally it was Sebastian who couldn't bear to be parted in this moment, but now Mark felt the urge to cling to Seb, to hold him as tight as possible, to be a part of him for as long as they could, their chests still moving together.

Seb, _his Seb_. He'd nearly lost him. Mark hung on, just lying there, holding him, feeling Sebastian, all of him, breathing him in, Seb's cheek brushing gently against his own as Seb slowly moved it there, each letting the moment last.

 

Time slipped away for a while, neither knowing how long they stayed like that, not speaking, just feeling. They didn't care how sticky their bodies were or that pressing in so tightly made it harder to breathe when they needed the oxygen replacing in their lungs. It didn't seem to matter. Eventually Mark lifted his head to look at Sebastian, guessing he must be crushing him like this. He kissed Seb hard on the lips and levered his hands to the side to lift away, pressing back in as soon as he could and carefully turning them so they stayed together, resting on their sides so each could breathe properly. Mark kept one hand tightly pulling Seb in whilst he put the other at the side of Sebastian's face. They looked into one another's eyes barely an inch away. Seb stroked a hand along up Mark's arm to place his hand over Mark's, trying to read his expression.

“Are you okay Liebling?”

Mark pulled in a lungful of air and gave a small nod before slowly letting the air out.

“You're okay too aren't you?” Mark checked.

Sebastian smiled.

“I'm good, all good. See, no brain exploding,” he joked.

Mark's face went tight and Seb instantly regretted his light-hearted remark as he saw Mark's eyes fill with water.

“Mark? Oh Mark I... Sorry. I'm okay. Stupid joke, stupid joke, sorry,” he rushed in apology.

Mark shook his head and blinked to push the tears away.

“It's okay,” he reassured.

Mark moved his thumb at the side of Sebastian's face to stroke his cheek and erase the sudden guilt he knew Seb felt.

“Don't be sorry darling, it's okay. It's good, it's all good now, we're good.”

 

He took another deep breath and pressed in to kiss Seb again. Mark didn't want him feeling anything but happiness in this moment. He slid his hand from the side to back of Sebastian's head and gently held him in place while the explored the kiss a little more and he felt Seb relax again. As they parted Mark left his hand at the back of Seb's head, feeling the little soft damp curls at the nape of his neck.

“I didn't mean to make a joke of it Liebling,” repeated Sebastian.

“It's okay, you don't need to worry sweetheart. It's good you can joke, that's okay, don't feel bad,” Mark reassured.

He moved his hands to stroke lightly over Seb's skin and gave him another little kiss.

“It's good darling, okay?” Mark emphasised.

Sebastian nodded and pressed further into him, still looking at Mark.

“I know you worry Liebling, but it's okay now, I'm okay.”

“Yeah.”

Mark thought how if Sebastian was in a state to be making light of things that was surely a symbol of how he really was better now. He took in a calming breath, telling himself how this showed that they really were getting back to normal. Maybe he _could_ finally stop worrying about him?

He moved his hand so he could stroke Sebastian's cheek.

“It's just... I nearly lost you.”

“Oh Mark.”

Sebastian felt his heart squeeze tight just as Mark's did at those words. How close they had come to losing everything they had.

“You'll never lose me. I've promised you Liebling,” Seb reminded, trying to keep his voice even to reassure Mark.

Mark nodded. They were words, only words, but words meant a lot if they were truly felt.

“I won't lose you either will I?” pressed Sebastian.

“No darling, you'll never lose me. I've promised too. It's alright, we won't lose one another. This is how we're meant to be.”

 

Mark still wanted to cling on tight to Seb, to never let him go, but he knew he had to start getting past that, in the daytime at least. Now didn't count, for now they could stay close and let themselves be as inseparable as they felt.

Mark let himself lie back and Sebastian moved with him to rest with his head on Mark's shoulder, enjoying the wonderful feeling of being held in his arms and emptied his mind again, not thinking about anything but this moment right now and how good it was. Mark gave him another squeeze then relaxed his hold, knowing Seb wasn't going to move away. He wanted to stay close to Mark just as much Mark want to stay close to him. Seb had slipped his arm across Mark's chest and hooked a leg over to ensure he was anchored in place, neither one of them in any rush to move, not tonight.

Mark took in a deep breath and let it go, settling back into breathing along in time with Sebastian. They didn't need to say any more, each feeling in this moment a sense of security in each other and a hope that they had finally turned a page. At last they could believe they were within reach of the future they had so nearly lost.

 

 

* * *

 

 


	95. Lost For Words

* * *

 

  
  


  
  


Sebastian walked in to Dr. Menton's rooms late on the Thursday afternoon still feeling on a little high. His therapist could see it immediately and was glad to see him in a good mood. As he provided Seb with the offered drink and they took their respective seats Henry smiled over at him.

“Can I take it yesterday went well then?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah good, really good.”

Dr. Menton huffed a little laugh.

“I can tell.”

Sebastian wondered how much he could tell. Sometimes he wondered how much Henry knew before he even opened his mouth and how much he interpreted from what he said and what Seb _didn't_ say each time he was here.

“Oh?”

Henry smiled reassuringly.

“Just that you look well and you seem in a positive mood, that's all.”

“Right, course, well yeah pretty good day all round,” Seb continued, considering whether to mention the other aspect of yesterday that had gone well.

Dr. Menton nodded and took a sip of his drink. Sebastian did look well, certainly far better than he had when he had first come back here. There was a light in his eyes that had been lacking and while Sebastian might still be a little paler and thinner than he had been at his healthiest, there was colour in those cheeks Henry hadn't seen for so long he'd forgotten Seb could even look this way.

 

“Well I'm very glad to hear it, especially as you were worrying so much about it.”

“Yeah it feels like an important step. I mean I know I wasn't really anywhere near as fast as I ought to be.”

Sebastian paused so Henry intervened.

“I think the important point is that you did it at all. I wouldn't over-analyse it, just take it as it is Seb; a good day, a step in the right direction.”

“Okay.”

“The team were happy with it I presume?”

“Yeah they seemed to be. I mean well they must be because Christian thinks I'm ready to take the tests to see if I can start back again.”

“Racing you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“I see, well that is good. I'm presuming you see it as such?”

“Yes of course. That's what I've been working towards all this time.”

“Good then. So how are you feeling about these tests? Is this another test on the track for the team?” Dr. Menton enquired.

“Hm? Oh no it's a bunch of tests by the FIA, they're coming into the factory to do them.”

“Ah, okay and what do they comprise?”

Sebastian rubbed at his jaw, thinking them through.

“All sorts of different ones; medical tests, reaction tests, a physical to see how fit I am, some to see how well my thinking and decision making is working.”

“Cognitive tests?”

“Yeah guess you'd call it that. I think I have to have an interview with them and convince them I'm up to it.”

“Really?”

“Well not quite an interview, but they'll be talking to me and I know they'll be judging me.”

“I suppose that's their job,” allowed Dr. Menton.

“Yeah I guess.”

“I can see how it will be pressured for you. Do they do it all in one go?”

“Um, I think so, well obviously not all at once, but through the afternoon I think.”

“So it's already planned.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Tomorrow.”

“Oh gosh, that is soon.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“The world of F1 doesn't like to waste time. Besides the team needs to make plans, they need to know if I've passed so we can make the final call about me going to Austin.”

“And when would that be?”

“Austin? The race is the weekend after this.”

Henry hid his surprise at how soon that was.

“I see. Not far off then?”

“No.”

His therapist looked over, trying to read Sebastian's expression.

“So are you confident you will pass these tests?”

“Well...” Sebastian let out a long breath. “I think so. I mean I've never had to do it before so it'll be a bit strange. I suppose I'll have done the component parts, you know physical tests and stuff, but not all in one go.”

“So perhaps it's best to not think of it as one big test, but instead concentrate on the individual parts and take them as they come. Then you should lessen how big the task seems,” advised Dr. Menton.

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I tried what you suggested yesterday at the track and it did help me feel less nervous.”

“Manageable chunks,” Henry recalled.

“Yeah. It did help it all seem less like a giant wall to climb over.”

Henry smiled at the analogy.

“Good, well that sounds as though you should try the same thing again.”

“It does feel good to know I've done something I worried I might not be able to,” Seb admitted.

“I'm sure it does. Each step you achieve should tell you that you are capable of taking the next one. Break them down into smaller steps and they should be less intimidating.”

Seb nodded, baby steps, he'd been taking baby steps ever since the accident, maybe he could be a little more confident at taking slightly bigger strides now.

 

“And presuming you pass this test, how do you feel about going back racing?” asked Dr. Menton.

Sebastian took a sip of his drink. He'd been thinking about that ever since Christian confirmed they had made the request for the FIA representatives to come in to test him.

“I don't know. This has been the goal, really ever since I properly started working to come back, so of course it feels good to see all that work coming off and I do want to race, I do want to get back.”

“But?”

Sebastian looked at him, Henry heard the unspoken words.

“Yeah I am nervous. I do feel better to know I handled things on the track yesterday, I even feel kinda better about the fact I made some mistakes because it's good to know I can handle that.”

“That's a very positive approach.”

“But yeah I am worrying about how much of a leap it is going from just doing laps on my own and few mucking about with Dan to really properly racing.”

Henry nodded.

“I guess there's no way round it but to give it a go,” added Seb.

“That's certainly true. Do you feel pressured by the team into rushing into it?”

Seb shook his head.

“No. Austin was my call. Christian's still saying that we only need to make a decision after the test. I can still decide to hold off even if I pass.”

“Ah well that's good. So perhaps you should wait and see if you do pass the tests. If you do, then that ought to give your confidence a bit of a boost.”

“Hm, yeah I suppose it will.”

“How does Mark feel about you going back racing?”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Take my nerves and multiply them by a thousand.”

“Mm, well I suppose that's not surprising.”

“No. I think he feels a little bit better after yesterday too, and he's been so supportive. He says if I make the call he backs me one hundred percent.”

“Even though he's anxious about it?”

“Yeah. He's pretty incredible.”

Sebastian gave his therapist a look, defying him to say Mark wasn't perfect.

“I know it's tough for him, but he really does want to see me succeed.”

“I'm sure he does.”

“I just wish I could make it a bit easier for him. Can you think of anything I can do?”

“For Mark?”

“Yeah. I don't think I can really stop him worrying, but...”

Seb shrugged, wishing there was some way he could repay Mark rather than adding to his burden.

 

Henry tipped his head to the side as he thought.

“I think you're right, if he cares for you, then worrying about you returning to racing is pretty much unavoidable after what has happened. The only thing I can suggest is that you talk to him and let him tell you his worries to at least get them off his chest and you involve him in the decision so that he feels a part of it.”

“Yeah, I am trying. I mean he came to the meetings about the test and the investigation of the crash.”

Henry sat up a little, wondering how that hadn't come up sooner, making a note to come back to that.

“He's very supportive,” Dr. Menton agreed.

“Yeah, but I know I've got to start doing more on my own. I can't have Mark holding my hand the whole time.”

“No, well at least talk to him in your own time. I'm guessing the team won't require an immediate decision.”

“I think if I pass I'd have the weekend to think about it.”

“Well then you can use that time to discuss it with Mark.”

“Yeah, I mean I would have been anyway.”

“I'm sure. Okay well, maybe try to focus on the positives; You've passed one test with the team, now you are in a position to pass this official test to go racing again. I'm sure whatever happens Mark will support you.”

“Of course he will.”

Henry nodded, he knew better than to criticise Mark in any way these days. It was the fastest way to close down any discussion with Sebastian.

“Indeed, well that's a positive too. So try to focus on those positives and not your nerves. Nerves are entirely natural but if you focus only on them you let them control you. Try to remember all the times you have overcome nerves before and know you can do it again.”

“Okay.”

 

Dr. Menton thought back.

“You haven't mentioned how the meeting about the accident went?”

Seb shrugged.

“Okay. Just lots of data analysis and engineers talking. We already knew what happened really.”

“I see, you didn't find it upsetting to discuss?”

“I didn't really have to do any discussing. I just had to sit and listen.”

“Fine, but listening to all that wasn't upsetting?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Not for me. I just can't connect to it. It is for Mark. I did wonder whether it was worse that he had to go through that, but I think maybe he had to, for his own sake so he knows it can't happen again.”

“And you're comfortable accepting that?”

“What?”

“That it can't happen again?”

Sebastian paused.

“I don't think I have any choice if I want to go racing again. I do trust the team. It wasn't their fault what happened. It was just an accident.”

“That's a pretty mature response.”

“Is it? I don't know, I'm just being honest. Accidents happen all the time in F1. I've had plenty before, just... none as bad.”

Henry nodded.

“I suppose I think it's better to look ahead instead of back. I can't do anything about what's happened,” Seb added.

“But you can influence the future, your future,” Dr. Menton suggested.

“Yeah, hopefully anyway. It's still scary, you know, the future, what'll happen, how it's going to go and not knowing if I'll be okay, if I'll be like I was before.”

“Driving you mean?”

“Yeah. I was pretty cautious at Silverstone, for the test that is. The team were really understanding about it but when we get to the race it'll be different.”

“You don't think they'll make allowances?”

Seb gave a big shrug.

“I don't want them to have to.”

“Ah, so it's _you_ you're concerned about?”

Sebastian gave him a wry smile.

“Well I am a self-obsessed F1 driver, we've all got pretty big egos. Maybe I'm just worried people will think less of me.”

“I think you might be surprised.”

Seb frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I think your perception of how the world views you has always been fairly negative.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“So I've nothing to lose then.”

Henry shook his head.

“No Seb, I mean you might want to use this return to racing, because I'm sure that you will be back soon, whether it's Austin or another race, to take a step back and rethink how you might be viewed.”

“Maybe I should worry less about how people see me?”

Henry laughed.

“I think you're starting to do my job for me. Yes that would be advisable too.”

“Easier said than done.”

“As with all things,” agreed Henry.

Sebastian nodded. He knew the only way to stop himself worrying about all these things was to go ahead and do them. Hopefully that would help Mark in the process too.

  
  


 

 

  
  


  
  


Mark spent Friday afternoon distracting himself from worrying about how Seb was getting on with his FIA tests at the factory by focussing his energies on doing some training. He'd sent Sebastian off in the morning with every positive Mark could think of, but now it was out of his hands. Seb had rung him over lunch but by that stage all he could report to Mark was how the chat with Christian had gone and his now standard time training with Antti and in the simulator. Mark could tell the only reason Sebastian had really called was to hear his voice. That was nice though. Mark wanted to hear Seb's voice too. These full days apart felt like a long separation and Mark had been battling his over-protective urge to go in with him. That option hadn't come up though and hard as it was to withstand worrying about Seb, Mark knew he had to keep working on taking that step back and letting Seb get on with it.

With the rain falling outside all day long Mark had chosen to spend some time in the gym. Turning the running machine up a few notches he worked at concentrating only on that for a bit, letting the effort required clear his head. After a while his mind drifted again, thinking about how good it would be when they had the extension built on the house. They had some plans back they ought to look over and the firm had applied for preliminary planning permission, but it would be a while off yet before any work could start. Mark looked forward to when they could both train at home, not because he wanted to cling to Seb but simply to enjoy spending their time together. That _wasn't_ clingy was it? Mark wasn't sure he knew any more.

 

  
  


  
  


Not so very far away Sebastian was simultaneously trying to and trying _not_ to look at the notes that one of the two FIA representatives sat opposite him was making. It seemed one of them was there to ask the questions, the other to make a record.

So far every test he had done had merely ended with a vague, 'good, well if you're ready we'll move on,' which really told him nothing. He'd tried to make sure he kept a positive outlook throughout, not wanting them to pick up any negative vibes that might go against him and Seb was fairly sure that he hadn't screwed up anything too badly yet. He wasn't sure whether despite Antti's assurances they would have recognised that his fitness levels really weren't as good as they had been before. Antti had pointed out that Seb was still probably fitter and stronger than some of the younger members of the grid whose stamina the trainer had serious doubts about. Seb thought it might at least go in his favour that the cars of today were slightly easier to drive from a physical point of view.

The medical had gone okay and Dr. Phillips had stayed in with him for that, which was oddly reassuring even though he could only sit there. Sebastian was sure that the team doctor would have given some good feedback on how improved he was and he knew Dr. Roberts had given in a report on him as well which he was fairly sure would be positive, so that was something.

It seemed to have been going on for hours. Once past the medical and fitness tests Seb had to jump though half a dozen other hoops, checking his eyesight, his reaction times, cognitive reflexes and little tests on the computer to see how good his decision making processes were and how aware of his surroundings he was. If he didn't have the pressure of knowing what all this meant it might almost have been fun to play these games and see how good he was, but Seb couldn't ignore the significance of it all. By late afternoon Seb was pretty tired of it, but he still had this last interview to persuade them he was ready.

 

“So you can't actually remember the crash at all?” asked the man doing the talking.

Sebastian kept his expression neutral. He'd been assured that wasn't a deal breaker by the Christian this morning, so he wasn't going to let himself get worked up about it. He just had to be honest like he had promised Mark he would be.

“No, 'fraid not.”

“Your doctors report that you suffered a fairly severe degree of amnesia following the accident but has mostly receded.”

“Mm.”

“But aspects remain?”

The man looked over his glasses at him and Sebastian tried not to feel as judged as he surely was.

“Really just the accident and around then.”

“Before and after?”

“Yeah about a week's gone I think, some bits are vaguer. I have something hazy of being in the hospital afterwards, but yeah it's pretty much a write-off.”

“Okay.”

“But I'm fine with everything else. Driving, all that, I've not forgotten all the stuff I need to actually race,” Sebastian asserted.

The man nodded and the other made more notes. Seb wished they'd actually give him more of a response so he knew what to say to persuade him he was fit to race now.

“And the other aspects of your concussion. They've been in remission?”

“They've got better as time's gone on.”

“Dr. Phillips informs us that you are still attending hospital appointments.”

“Well yes but they're just check-ups. I thought you had a report from her as well?”

“From the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“Yes we have their report.”

“Right.”

Sebastian tried not to frown. Why was he being asked questions they already had the answers to? Was this another test to see how honest he was prepared to be? Fine, he'd be honest.

“I had headaches, migraines I guess you'd call them, for a long time after I came home, but they got less and they've pretty much stopped now.”

“Pretty much?”

“I've not had one for a week.”

He wondered if that sounded recent. To Seb that felt like a long time to be okay, but then he knew now what it was like to have that pain almost constantly in his life for far too long a time not to appreciate their absence.

“And likewise with any dizziness and nausea?”

“Yeah, the same.”

“Okay and you weren't affected by these at your test day at the track?”

“No I was fine.”

“Okay.”

 

Okay? Did okay mean good? Was a week ago too recent? Sebastian knew he couldn't promise that he wasn't going to be affected by any problems going forward, there was no way to know until it happened. He just had to hope for the best.

“So you feel confident in your ability to return to competition?”

“Yes.”

Well what other answer could he give? _'I get a bit scared when I think about it too much'?_ Hardly. Surely it wasn't dishonest to give the answer that was at least partly true? Seb did have confidence he should at least try it. He was prepared to bet this guy making notes and the one asking questions had never raced in their life. What did they know of being scared?

 

“Very well. Okay, well thank you for your time.”

Was that it? They'd hardly been sat here ten minutes.

“Right, thanks. Can I ask if you've come to a decision?” pressed Sebastian.

The two glanced at one another and the one who had been sat silently making notes finally spoke.

“We just need to go over a few things to review, then we will speak to Christian.”

Sebastian nodded. It seemed odd that they wouldn't just give a direct answer to him, but he didn't really know how this all worked. He stood and offered a hand to each of them and said thanks before leaving the office to go and kill time while he waited. Seb wandered the corridors not wanting to sit outside his boss's office like some kid on report at school. His feet took him down to the mechanics' bays and Seb distracted himself for a half hour chatting with his guys about the latest update they were looking at trying on the car. No one mentioned the tests he was undergoing today although Seb was sure they were aware of it.

“We just need you and Dan to give it a whirl really,” commented Steve as he finished off showing him how the new part fitted in.

“Mm,” agreed Sebastian non-committally.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and Seb pulled it out to see a text from his boss asking if he could pop up to his office. Sebastian raised his eyes from his phone screen and saw them all watching at him. He shrugged and gave them a wry smile.

“Decision time.”

He got several nods back. They all knew what he was referring to.

“Good luck.”

The sentiment was echoed and Sebastian nodded back.

“Thanks. Better go.”

  
  


He stood outside Christian's office feeling stupidly nervous about knocking. Seb hoped that the FIA representatives weren't actually going to be in there. He'd rather hear it from his boss alone, good or bad.

Sebastian told himself off for hesitating and knocked on the door, entering when Christian called him in. He looked over to see an enigmatic smile on his boss's face and walked across to take a seat, his stomach churning with anticipation.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


Mark sat on the sofa at home, his coffee cooling on the table in front of him. He left off stroking the dogs at his feet and checked his phone for any message again. Mark had lost count of the number of times he'd checked that phone today. Nothing new. It was gone five pm now. Mark wondered how long it ought to take. He'd had to be passed fit after crashes before but he suspected they were being extra thorough with Sebastian given the severity of his accident and the fact it was a brain injury. Maybe he should have gone over to meet Seb coming out?

He was just considering whether or not he ought to send Seb a text or if that would only add to his nerves when the dogs at Mark's feet picked up their ears and bolted out towards the front door. Over the sound of the animals' feet scrabbling on the wooden floor Mark could hear a car pulling up to a halt on the drive and he followed the dogs out into the hall just in time to see the door open and Sebastian to hurry through it, the dogs leaping up at him excitedly. Seb gave them a distracted pat to calm them down but he only had eyes for Mark.

“So?”

Sebastian's face split into a beaming smile.

“I passed!”

Mark grinned, forgetting all his worries about what it meant in terms of Seb returning to racing and thought only about the fact that it was confirmation that Sebastian was well again.

He was well and happy. Those lovely round cheeks full of smiles and his eyes so bright. Seb pushed past the dogs who were still fighting for his attention to reach Mark and throw his arms around his neck. Mark wrapped his arms back around him and lifted Seb up off the floor feeling his heart beating so fast, telling Mark just how excited he was. Sebastian pressed his cheek into Mark's and clung on, happier than ever now he could share his good news with the person who mattered most.

Mark finally set him down, still matching the smile on Seb's face as he leaned in to kiss him, neither relaxing their hold on the other any more than they needed to.

“Well done darling.”

“Ah I can't believe it.”

Mark shook his head.

“I said you'd pass.”

“Yeah I know.” Seb took in a deep breath. “Ach, oh my god I was so nervous. It took them _forever_.”

Mark nodded, it had seemed a very long day to him as well.

“I suppose they just wanted to be sure.”

“Yeah.”

“Come on, come through and you can tell me,” encouraged Mark.

 

They let go of one another and Mark slipped his hand down to take Seb's as he led him through into the lounge to sit so they could talk properly, the dogs almost tripping them up with their attempts to stay with them.

“Ah yes, silly things, thank you,” teased Sebastian, giving them an overdue rub, knowing that they could read how excited the atmosphere was.

Mark gave them a stroke too, wondering how much they understood of what was going on.

“Do you want a drink?” asked Mark.

“Hm? Can I steal a bit of yours?”

Mark nodded and Sebastian took a drink of Mark's ignored coffee to wet his throat before carrying on.

“So how did it go then?” prompted Mark.

“It was weird really, they wouldn't tell me how I was doing.”

Mark nodded.

“I suppose they wanted an overall view. Anyway, doesn't matter as long as they've given you the all clear.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Seb took another drink then sat back sideways on the sofa to face Mark.

“It's such a relief.”

“Yeah I'll say. Really sweetheart that's great.”

“Thanks. I mean I guess we knew I was kindof okay but it's nice to be official.”

“Yeah.”

“I was so nervous waiting for Christian to tell me. It was ridiculous.”

Mark cocked his head to the side.

“Me too. I don't think I've been able to concentrate on anything today.”

Seb reached out a hand to stroke Mark's forearm.

“Sorry.”

Mark shrugged.

“It's alright. I just thought you might text me or something.”

Sebastian looked a little guilty.

“Oh sorry, he really only told me right now at the end and I didn't think... I just wanted to get home as fast as I could to tell you.”

Mark smiled to think of Seb being so thrilled to rush back to him. How could he be in any way put out by that?

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Seb leaned over and lifted up a little to kiss Mark on the cheek, then tucked his legs up on the sofa so he could kneel up beside him, Mark resting his hand at his side.

“It's good news darling, really good.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I suppose this means we need to have a talk, about Austin,” Mark noted.

“Mmm.”

Sebastian squished his face side to side and Mark was distracted by how cute he looked when he did that.

“I know we do, but... Can we just forget that for a bit?”

“Hm?”

“Making a decision. Can we talk about that tomorrow? I just want to be happy for a bit.”

Mark nodded and pulled Seb closer.

“Fair enough.”

Seb deserved to feel happy, they both did. Mark understood what he meant. For so long they had been weighed down. They ought to take this as it was in it's simplest terms: good news, a relief, a cause for joy.

 

Sebastian was leaning into Mark's side now, still knelt up with Mark's arms settled around his lower back holding him in place.

“You are happy too aren't you Liebling?”

Mark nodded and gave him a quick confirming kiss.

“Yes darling, of course I am, very happy. You're right, let's not think about anything else just yet.”

“We can talk tomorrow,” Seb added, wanting to let Mark know that he wasn't dismissing him. “I know you've got concerns.”

Mark gave a tiny shake of his head.

“Leave that to tomorrow. This is good news, let's just be happy.”

Happy, without worries, without the future and the past weighing down on them, they both needed that.

 

Sebastian smiled at him and slid his arms around Mark's neck to move in and kiss him properly for a while. God it felt good, just happy, straight-forward _happiness_ for once. He shifted when they broke for air and sent Mark a wider grin as he lifted up and moved to go in front of him, straddling Mark's thighs as he sat on the sofa. Mark huffed a little laugh and readjusted his hold to keep Seb in place. He raised an eyebrow at where Seb was going with this, but forgot about teasing him when Seb moved back in to start kissing him again and both of them allowed themselves to completely forget that they even had any difficult issues to confront tomorrow.

Mark kept Seb pressed tightly into him as they kissed until they had to force themselves to part to draw in air. Sebastian sat back a little, his chest rising and falling sharply as he regained the oxygen he needed, Mark watched him, arrested by the sight. He ran his hands further down Seb's back, grasping his arse and pulling him in, Seb laughing and biting his lip as he let himself be tugged in closer still. He locked his eyes on Mark's and started to move, deliberately rubbing their crotches together and delighting in the immediate reaction he got from Mark whose breath quickly became more erratic.

“Jesus,” gasped Mark.

Seb sent him a wicked smile.

“Should I stop?”

“No.”

Mark smiled back and shook his head. Sebastian should definitely _not_ stop doing this. It felt amazing. They might be moving fast with this, but it felt so good. Mark certainly didn't want to discourage him. He slipped his hands under the edge of Seb's clothes, sliding them higher underneath and feeling how warm Seb's skin was. He tweaked an eyebrow at Sebastian who nodded and loosened his grip around Mark to let him pull his long-sleeved RedBull t-shirt off over his head in one go. It mussed Seb's hair up and Mark grinned at the sight, thinking how fantastic he looked like that; his lips pink from kissing and his cheeks a little flushed but most of all that _light_ in his eyes. It seemed as if Sebastian radiated something from inside and Mark lost himself for a moment staring at him, wondering where that came from and what it meant.

Sebastian softened his smile as he saw the way Mark was gazing at him.

“Alright?” he checked.

“Hm?”

Mark pulled himself together.

“Yeah. Good.”

Sebastian sat back a little, feeling securely enough balanced on Mark's lap. He ran a hand over Mark's top.

“You going to lose this too?” he challenged.

Mark laughed and nodded before helping Seb haul his top off so they both sat there only half-dressed. He ran a hand up Sebastian's chest, sliding it higher up to his shoulder and then on to rest at the back of his neck to coax Seb in to rejoin kissing him, trying to find a way to breathe at the same time and not always managing it as Seb started moving against him again, causing both their heart rates to increase. Mark tried to sit up a bit whilst keeping a hold of Seb, one hand on his lower back to stop him toppling backwards as their actions became more enthusiastic.

Seb felt himself shifting backwards and paused to pull himself in again. He pressed in and ground down into Mark causing him to groan.

“Fuck.”

Sebastian smiled at him and repeated the motion. He could feel how Mark was straining through his jeans. Mark tried to get his breath back and then Seb leant in to start kissing a point just below Mark's ear, whispering.

“Good?”

Seb flicked his eyes to look at him, already knowing the answer. Mark replied by letting his hips rise up to meet Seb's movements. He let go the hand at Seb's neck and slipped it down between them to palm at Sebastian's crotch, feeling how hard he was in turn. They let this go on for another moment before Mark saw the way Seb's mouth fell open and the focus in his eyes started to slip. He didn't want this to be over too soon.

“Seb.”

“Mmmm.”

“ _Seb_.”

Mark took his hand away and stilled their movements, trying to get Sebastian's attention.

Sebastian took a slower breath looked at Mark properly.

“Yeah.”

“Upstairs?”

“Yeah.”

Definitely time to take this upstairs.

 

Seb managed to clamber off Mark to stand up, Mark following and keeping a hand on him as they both felt a little off balance.

Mark looked at the dogs still lying on the floor looking up at them and started laughing.

“I think we're traumatising the poor things again.”

Sebastian giggled and let himself be pulled back in against Mark as they stood there to kiss once more.

“Come on, upstairs,” invoked Mark, “otherwise we're going to have to ask Henry to branch out with his clientèle.”

 

They somehow managed to stumble upstairs without really letting go of one another, finding their room and their bed while losing the rest of their clothes without much ceremony until they were back in the position they had left off downstairs; Sebastian sat straddling Mark, his arms around his neck, Mark's on him anchoring each other in place as they let themselves get carried away.

It took almost no time at all to get there. They didn't need to discuss where they were going or how. It didn't matter if they were rushing because it was what they both wanted. By the time Mark as inside him the only emotion Seb could really feel was relief. He dropped his head next to Mark's, his chest pressed into Mark's where he sat propped against the pillows behind him and held on tightly, as if Mark could, or would even want to, move away.

Mark closed his eyes for a moment trying to regulate his heartbeat and his breathing just a little to get himself together. He stroked his hands over Seb's lower back in a soothing motion.

“Good darling?”

Sebastian lifted his head back and looked at Mark from inches away, his face a little higher than it usually was like this.

“Yeah, sehr gut,” he grinned.

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded before leaning in to steal the grin from that face, kissing him hard before softening the moment and allowing them to open their mouth and kiss more deeply as it became more heated. Seb started to move and Mark took a sharp breath in at the sensation only encouraging Seb to do it again. He lifted one hand put it at the side of Seb's face, his thumb rubbing over Seb's jaw as they both began to move in time, the rhythm instinctive. They tried to continue kissing but the need for oxygen in their lungs to keep going meant that the kisses grew more and more haphazard, their lips brushing as they snatched at the same air. Very soon all they were doing was resting their foreheads together, their noses bumping as they pressed in and the speed of their movements intensified. Mark had his hands firmly on Sebastian's waist keeping him moving in time with his hips.

Seb could feel a burn in his thighs from the constant repetitive motion and a corner of his mind that was still operating laughed to think that Antti would surely consider this very good exercise. It felt as though his body was firing on all cylinders, more alive than he had been in weeks, months even. His mind felt light, free, empty in the best possible way. Mark's hands on him were firm but welcome, helping not leading and Seb felt strangely powerful to be this way, to know how what he was doing had such an effect on Mark. He knew Mark was close, could feel it in the way he sped up and gripped him tighter, Seb moving to keep up, pressing his body in even further to crush himself into Mark and give himself the friction Seb needed himself.

It didn't take long, it couldn't with they way they had been moving so fast. Mark knew there was no way he could have hung on and a part of him hadn't wanted to anyway, impatiently demanding the satisfaction he knew only Sebastian could give him. So he let go, let the sparks fly in his brain and gave in to the release of it all. All that tension that had been building in him through the day, all the worry and the anxiety. Mark let that all go and in its place he felt only a pleasant emptiness take over.

By the time his mind had reconnected Mark had enough wherewithal to realise that he was still moving after Seb had stopped, his body now latched tightly to Mark's. Seb was gasping for air, his head now dropped to the side of Mark's. He felt as though shock-waves were still rolling through his body, over and over even after he'd come. As the oxygen fed through to his brain Seb started to slow his breathing down a little to take deeper more effective breaths but he could still feel his heart pounding the blood around his body.

It took a while before Seb could register Mark's hand stroking over his back, checking he was okay. He still couldn't speak so Sebastian lifted his head enough to rub his cheek against Mark's. When he did that Seb felt as though it was barely a human action at all, it felt like some kind of animal communication, the most basic way of reaching out and connecting with Mark to tell him that he was okay and he loved him.

Mark rubbed his cheek back still not saying a word. Seb was so lovely like this, so vulnerable in his abandonment and so completely trusting. It felt such an honour to be gifted that. Mark could never take it lightly, no matter how enjoyable the moments before or the mood that led there. It was about so much more than the physical. It was a connection so fiercely felt Mark knew he would never be able to explain it to anyone. They never even discussed it between themselves but Mark knew Seb felt it as strongly as he did. It was this moment, this strange spaced out moment when they were still together but past the point of individual climax that felt the closest of all. The connection of skin on skin, the slightest softest touch reminding the other that they were there and sharing this. This was when they felt at their absolute closest and Mark knew now what he hadn't back when they first slept together why Seb needed this moment to last as long as possible to feel whole and one as they should.

 

Sebastian let out the longest sigh and then took a deep breath before lifting his head to look at Mark.

“Hey.”

Mark huffed out a laugh at the way he said it as if they were just meeting.

“Hey,” he replied softly before smiling and kissing him.

Seb sighed out another breath and rested his face against Mark's, his grip around his neck now slackened.

“Oh my god,” Seb breathed happily.

Mark smiled and Sebastian lifted his head a little to look at him again.

“Yeah.”

Mark raised on hand to put it against Seb's flushed cheek and nodded.

“Yeah,” repeated softly.

They both knew what it meant.

Mark leaned them as far back as he could, pressing back into the pillows and Seb hung onto him. Mark moved his hands around Seb's back to keep him there, his head now dropped onto Mark's shoulder turned in to the side, their chests still pinned together, taking slower deeper breaths as one. Mark put his cheek against Seb's head and closed his eyes for a moment, contented. Seb was clinging to him like a rhesus monkey, his whole body attached to Mark's but neither one of them wanted to change that. Mark gave Seb a squeeze and smiled as Seb nuzzled his face into him. They didn't need words when they had this.

 

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


The next day they still found themselves delaying thinking about what they knew they had to discuss. The weather dawn dry and clear with an unseasonably bright blue sky, seeming to reflect their collective good mood, so without saying a word they found themselves putting it off. They got up late and took their time over breakfast before taking the dogs for a long walk through the fields, eventually winding up as they usually did, sat at the top of the hill. They threw a few sticks for the dogs then settled into silence looking out at the view. Mark glanced at his watch and let out a sigh.

“Nearly twelve.”

Seb sat up a little from his position leaning into him.

“Hm?”

“Nearly twelve. Be lunchtime at this rate,” Mark repeated

Sebastian smiled.

“Good, I'm starving.”

Mark laughed.

“Haven't we just had breakfast?”

Seb shrugged.

“I had a busy day yesterday.”

“Mm, didn't you,” teased Mark.

Sebastian made an attempt to roll his eyes but he just ended up smiling and letting out a long sigh as mention of yesterday reminded him.

“I suppose we have to talk.”

Mark echoed the sigh.

“Yeah I suppose we do.”

 

He loosened his hold on Sebastian where he had an arm around him so they could sit further round to look at one another.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” echoed Sebastian, suddenly wondering what to say.

Mark read his hesitation and gave him a smile. In truth he'd had long enough to think about this, Seb had passed the tests, he'd always known he would.

“Look if they say you're ready to race the only real question is _when_.”

Seb nodded.

“So do you feel ready now?” prompted Mark.

Seb scrunched his face a bit, then shrugged.

“I don't know. I think so. I mean I'm really nervous about it, but maybe the sooner I get back into it the better?”

Mark nodded.

“What do you think?” asked Sebastian. “I know you worry.”

“Yeah well I guess I'm going to worry whenever that is.”

“Me too.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Bad as each other.”

“Yeah.”

“Look sweetheart, we're going to be nervous, that's just how it is. It's great that they think you're ready. What did Christian say?”

“He said it's up to me. He sort of said he thought the test on Wednesday showed that the best thing might be just to crack on and try it.”

Mark laughed at the turn of phrase.

“Yeah alright, so he has confidence in you. That's good.”

“I'm not so sure whether _I’ve_ got confidence in me.”

Mark tipped his head to the side.

“Ah don't say that. You did good at Silverstone.”

“That was just a few laps though, not proper racing with nineteen cars around me.”

“No, but the only way to get used to that again is to go back. It's whether you want to do it now or wait a bit and see if you don't feel differently down the line?”

 

Sebastian reached out to give one of the dogs a stroke to try to compose his thoughts.

“I think the longer I leave it the more it'll build up in my head,” he admitted.

“Yeah okay.”

There was still a part of Mark that wanted to suggest that maybe leaving it until the last race of the season to give it a try and then wait to come back at the start of the next season might be an idea, but if Seb was feeling this way then that wouldn't help and he _did_ really want to help.

“So you think Austin then?” Mark checked.

“Mm.”

“You're not just sticking to that one because you originally chose it?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know. I would be nice to have met a goal.”

“It's only a week off, less than really,” Mark noted.

“Less time to build it up in my head.”

Mark gave an acknowledging tip of his head.

“Fair enough.”

“And this way you could come with me seeing as you've not got a race next weekend.”

“I'd be coming with you either way.”

Seb went to open his mouth but Mark shook his head.

“No way I'd survive not being there for your first race back.”

“I don't want you missing any more races for me.”

“Don't worry about that.”

Seb let out a sigh and tried to compose a plan that might work for both of them.

 

“Okay so it's soon, but this would work wouldn't it? You come with me for Austin, then the week after we'd both have races, so I carry on and you head to... Where is it?”

“Um,” Mark thought for a moment, “Shanghai.”

It _would_ be as far away as possible from where Seb was racing of course.

“Right, so that would work, I mean as well as it can anyway, then there's just one last race each and it'll be the winter break already.”

“Well doesn't that sound nice?” offered Mark, trying look for the positive. It was really only a month away. That wasn't so bad.

Sebastian smiled, only slightly with relief.

“Yeah. You know it's weird by the winter break I usually feel worn out from racing, like I really deserve it, but this time I'll only have got started again.”

“We've still got to do those races yet. You might change your mind in a month's time.”

“Yeah maybe. It would be good to have a few races to try to build up though.”

“Okay and you really do want to jump back in?”

“Yeah. I do. I miss racing.”

 

Mark nodded. He missed racing too. It felt like an eternity since he'd got behind the wheel and tested himself on track.

“Well that's good. You know there's going to be all the other hoopla too. The media's going to be all over you.”

Sebastian nodded less happily.

“Yeah I know.”

Mark read his face and moved to put one hand over Seb's and give it a reassuring rub.

“I'm sure Britta will manage it as best she can.”

“Mm, I'd just rather focus on the racing, but I suppose it's unavoidable.”

“If you talk to her I'm sure she can try to keep it as minimal as possible.”

“Yeah.”

They looked at one another, both knowing that the reality was that no matter how hard Britta tried the press would be all over Seb. They'd been through that too many times this year not to know what that was like.

“That's going to be true whenever I go back though,” noted Seb.

“Mm.”

What concerned Mark was whether Sebastian was ready to deal with all that stress on top of coping with returning to racing.

“You'll be with me.”

Sebastian was giving him those eyes again and all Mark wanted to do was reassure him.

“Of course I will. Yeah alright, okay so maybe we'll just have to work out a plan with Britta to give them enough to try to stop the sharks circling too close.”

“Maybe a couple of interviews,” suggested Sebastian.

“You'll be alright with that?”

Seb shrugged.

“Guess I'll find out.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at Sebastian's attitude. Maybe the only way to deal with any of this was to keep it positive?

 

“You'll be fine. You're great at that stuff. It's a good idea, a couple of interviews to keep them at bay. I'm sure Britta can come up with some tame ones and then ask her to keep the mob on a leash as best she can through the rest of it.”

Seb nodded. He could do a few interviews couldn't he?

“I'm sure they'll just want to know how you're doing and ask how keen you are to get back racing,” suggested Mark.

“Mm.”

“You may have to prepare yourself to be asked how you feel a few thousand times,” Mark tried joking.

Seb managed a smile, then a thought struck him.

“What if they ask me about the crash?”

Mark shrugged. He wanted to say that the media shouldn't be so insensitive, but he knew they would.

“Well if you really don't want to talk about it I guess tell Britta that and she'll warn them off.”

“They’ll still ask.”

“Hm.”

Mark knew Seb was right.

“I don't know sweetheart. Maybe think about what you're prepared to say. I'm sure Britta will help you come up with some things to fob them off with.”

“I suppose I can just tell them the truth.”

“Hm?”

“I don't remember anything about it.”

“Oh, well yes. If you're comfortable saying that.”

Seb frowned.

“Do you think it's bad if I admit that?”

Mark shook his head.

“No, you're right, just be honest. You can't talk about what you don't remember. That should shut them down.”

_He hoped._

“Okay.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Mm, yeah I think so. I think I just need to jump in and get on with it.”

“Yeah okay.”

“You're sure you're okay with me doing it?”

“I told you darling, it's your call. I back your decision. We'll just have to get through being nervous together, right?”

Seb smiled.

“Right.”

Mark leaned in and kissed his cheek. His sister was correct as she always was. He simply had to support Seb. It actually did feel good to know he was doing that. Seb lifted his arms up to give Mark a hug and Mark returned the gesture.

“Come on then, I'm starving too, let's go back and get some lunch.”

They stood and encouraged the dogs to come with them back along the path with a promise of lunch for them as well. Mark gave Sebastian's hand in his a squeeze as they walked along. Seb looked up at him and leaned in against Mark a little bit.

“Guess I'd better call my family and tell them.”

Mark grinned.

“Now _that's_ scary,” he teased.

Sebastian laughed back and Mark was happy to see he took it in the right way. So him going back to racing scared them both, they'd get through it. Finding problems and objections and reasons _not_ to would only drag Seb down and that was the last thing Mark wanted. He was happy now, a little nervous, sure, but happier, lighter, more like Seb. Mark would just have to keep finding ways for them to survive as best they could to get to the other side. At least that looked to be on the horizon now.

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


“Yeah Mum I'm sure.”

Five hundred miles away his mother sat, her face pinched unhappily as she looked at the phone sat on the coffee table in front of them as they had gathered to speak to Sebastian.

“It just seems very soon,” she worried.

“I've passed all the tests to make sure I'm ready and the team were happy with how things went at the track.”

“Hmmm.”

“If you're _sure_ Seb,” added in his father.

“I just have to try it. The team won't be expecting too much of me, Christian's promised they'll be treating it more like another test,” Seb reassured.

He knew that was his boss trying to make him feel more confident. Seb knew they would be hoping for at least a half-decent result, but Seb did take it as meaning Christian would try to hold back some of the pressure for his first race.

Norbert nodded.

“Well that sounds a bit better. I suppose the only way to know is to give it a go.”

Heike frowned at him and Norbert gave a shrug trying to tell her that he was trying to be supportive to their son.

“Yeah exactly.”

“I just want to know you'll be alright,” pressed his mother.

“I will Mum, I'll be fine.”

“You'll be careful?”

“Mum the accident wasn't my fault.”

Heike sat up suddenly, feeling dreadful that she might have upset him.

“I didn't mean that sweetheart, of course it wasn't.”

“Of course it wasn't,” echoed Norbert firmly. “You told us the team's looked into all that and they've fixed the problem haven't they?”

“Yeah.”

“And Seb's always careful,” reminded Norbert, thinking how sensibly he raced. Not without taking risks, he knew that was impossible if Sebastian was to achieve anything, but never reckless.

“Seb's a really good driver Mum,” piped up Fabian.

Heike sat back, defeated.

“I know that. I do know that Seb. I'm sure you'll be fine.”

She didn't want her boy thinking she didn't have faith in him. By the sounds of things his mind was made up, at least he ought to go knowing they supported him.

“Thanks. Fabe you're alright?” asked Sebastian, thinking his brother had been a bit quiet.

“Hm? Yeah. I mean if they've passed you then it's alright isn't it? They must know you're okay.”

“Exactly, so you know that is good news Mum,” pointed out Sebastian knowing she was still uncertain.

“Of course it is, I'm not saying you're not doing well. That's great, of course it is.”

“So it's good that he's going back to racing,” emphasised Norbert.

Heike paused. It seemed that the two were inextricably linked; her son getting well again leading to him returning to putting himself immediately back in danger. Why did she have to have a son who was a racing driver?

“Yes, well... Maybe we could come?” Heike proposed.

 

Sebastian hadn't thought of that. In a way of course it would be nice to have as much support as possible there with him in Austin, but unfair as it might be, Seb couldn't help thinking of it as being more pressure to perform.

“Umm, well... The thing is I've still got to be passed by the FIA on the ground as it were, at the race, they'll still want to give me the final go-ahead in Austin before I get in the car,” he explained.

“Haven't you done all that?” wondered his brother.

“Just a last double-check I think. So I mean there's still a chance I might not.”

“You will though,” countered Fabian confidently.

“Well I hope so, but...”

His father guessed what their son's reticence was about.

“I'm sure you'll pass their tests with no problem Seb, but perhaps it might be best just to get your head down and concentrate on getting back into your racing without having to look after us being there as well.”

Heike looked to her husband about to protest that they would be no trouble, but she saw a look in his eye telling her to leave it.

“Well, yeah maybe. It's not that I don't want you there.”

“Of course not, we understand,” Heike reassured, thinking that after all the only thing that mattered was that Sebastian was in the best place possible to race seeing as that seemed unavoidable.

“You get it don't you Fabe?” asked Sebastian.

“Um, yeah okay. I suppose you just want to get on with it.”

“Yeah. I mean your support's really important, but I think it'd be easier to keep it simple and the press would be all over you.”

His family hadn't considered that and instantly thought how that meant they would be all over their son.

“Do you think they'll be trouble?”

Sebastian had the growing suspicion that the media would be camped outside wherever he was all weekend long, but there was no point worrying his family.

“Britta will look after me.”

“And Mark,” added Fabian.

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah and Mark.”

“So he'll be going with you then?” checked Heike.

“Of course.”

 _Of course,_ his mother thought. She tried to push away any jealousy she felt at the way Mark was automatically allowed to accompany her son whereas they were excluded, but if that was what Seb needed, that was what he needed.

“Okay well, that's good,” she offered.

“Yeah. So I'll just have to see how it goes and, well hopefully it'll be okay, then I've got a couple more to get back into things and then it's the end of the season, so it won't be so much to take on.”

“Well that sounds sensible,” agreed his father.

“You'll call us, let us know how you're getting on?” requested Heike.

“Of course.”

“Alright. Have you spoken to your sisters?”

“No I'll call them, let them know.”

“Right, well I suppose, well yes that's good then.”

“You'll do fine Seb,” assured his father, “once you get back into the swim of it I'm sure it'll be like you were never gone.”

“Yeah I hope so.”

 _'Just keep swimming,_ ' echoed in Sebastian's head.

“You'll be great Seb, I think the team will be really pleased to have you back. The ones who've been in your seat while you're off have been rubbish,” reported his brother, trying to say what he thought might make him feel better.

A smile crept onto Sebastian's face. He hadn't even asked the team about that. He didn't really want to know, but Seb couldn't help feeling a little pleased to be told he might compare favourably. That plus the way his brother was backing him up when Seb was sure he must be worrying about him and would really like to come along to the race. For a moment Sebastian considered whether there might not be a way to just have Fabian come, but he couldn't exclude his parents like that and besides it would be too much to ask of Mark when he would have enough on his plate worrying away and trying to support him. No it was best if it was just the two of them. He could text his brother later and explain it a bit to him so he understood.

“Ha, okay well that's good to know. Right, well I guess I'd better go.”

His family hung up with assurances that he would keep them updated and Sebastian slumped back on the sofa in relief. One down. He'd better get on and call his sisters like he had promised and then it would be done. Mark was off calling his own family. Seb suspected he was having a fairly long chat with his sister. He hoped Leanne was helping Mark out with his worries as she usually did.

  
  


Shortly after Sebastian had got through talking to each of his sisters in turn, Mark appeared in the doorway. Mark looked to see Seb had finished on the phone and held up his own, his hand covering the receiver.

“Hey, alright?” Mark checked.

“Mmm, sure.”

Seb looked curiously at the phone in Mark's hand.

“My mum wants a word if it's okay?”

Sebastian nodded, he'd spoken to Mark's family quite a few times since coming home, just to reassure them he was alright. They were only ever kind and supportive, Leanne especially and Seb knew why Mark found her so helpful to talk to.

Mark sat down on the sofa beside him and passed Seb the phone.

“Hi Diane.”

“Hello Seb dear, I hear congratulations are in order.”

“Oh, um thanks.”

Sebastian smiled to hear it put that way.

“So you're going to be going back to the coal-face then?”

“Hm?”

“Racing.”

“Oh, yes that's the plan.”

“Yes, well that's good. We've very glad to know you're better, so glad dear, we've all been so worried for you.”

“I know.”

“And you feel ready to go back?”

Diane knew Seb wasn't her son and it wasn't her job to tell him what to do, but she couldn't help being concerned about him.

“Yeah I think so.”

“Okay, well just so long as it's your decision and not the team pushing, because I know how keen they'll be to get you back.”

Sebastian looked over at Mark who mouthed, _'she means well'_ at him, guessing what his mother was saying to him. Seb had to smile, it was like having another conversation with his own mother.

“Yeah it's my call. I know everyone will be worrying, Mark especially, but I'm a racer, I have to get back to it,” Seb explained.

He and Mark locked eyes as he said that. Seb was sure Mark had told his family how concerned he still was at him going back.

“Yes well that comes with the territory I'm afraid, I don't suppose anything can stop you boys. I know what you're like. Don't worry Seb I'm not going to try to talk you out of it, you have your own mother trying that I've no doubt.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Mm, well, you know.”

“Yes, okay, all I want to say is good luck and I hope it all goes well.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh and... hang on, Alan wants a word.”

Diane passed the phone to her husband who had been holding out his hand to speak to Sebastian as well.

“Hello Seb.”

“Oh um hi.”

“We're very glad to know you're much better.”

“Thanks.”

“So we'll be watching. I'm sure you don't need telling how worried Mark will be watching you race again.”

Sebastian paused, awkwardly wondering how to respond to that but Alan continued.

“He understands though. You have to do what you think is right, so do that, that's my advice; follow your instinct, racers race so that's what you'll do. Mark'll be alright as long as you are.”

To his side Mark was mouthing, _'what are they saying?'_ but Seb just shook his head.

“Thank you. I really appreciate your support.”

“Okay well Diane would like another quick word with Mark if that's okay.”

“Of course.”

“All the best Seb, that's from both of us.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian handed the phone back to Mark and let him finish off the call. Once he'd hung up Mark turned to him.

“So what were they saying?” Mark enquired again.

“Just saying good luck, that's all really. Your family are nice.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“How were your lot?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“As expected, bit worried.”

Seb sighed and pulled a face at Mark.

“Do you think it's bad?”

“What?”

“I know everyone's worrying. Am I being selfish doing this?”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling, you're not selfish. You're a racer. We're always going to worry and you're going to race. That's just how things are.”

Seb smiled.

“That's pretty much what your parents just said.”

Mark smiled back.

“Ah well, I think that's cos they know what it's like with me. You worry when I race, they do too and I'm still racing.”

“Yeah.”

“So don't get caught up in that; worrying about the worrying, it'll just tangle you all up.”

“Mm.”

“So let it go, we've made the call now, it'll be alright.”

Seb nodded and moved up to give Mark a hug for being so supportive. Mark gave him a firm squeeze and thought over the advice his parents had given, much like his sister had, telling him to simply try to make the best of things, that was all they could do. They'd reminded him once again that they all ought to remember how grateful they should be to be faced with the dilemma that Seb was in a position to go back racing when it was something they had been praying for ever since his accident. Mark knew he ought not to reject this now they had it.

As Mark let him go Seb sat back.

“Right, so what do you fancy doing for the rest of the afternoon then?” enquired Mark.

Seb thought for a moment.

“Um, didn't you say you'd had an email from the architects?”

Mark perked up at that.

“Oh yeah, it's some plans to go over. Want to take a look and see what we think?”

“Yeah.”

“Great, I'll put the kettle on.”

They went through to the kitchen and sat with their sipped coffees looking over the details on Mark's laptop and talking things through with the dogs huddled at their feet. Planning a better future seemed a far preferable option to sitting around worrying about a past they couldn't change.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


 

The next day was to be the last one they had off together at home for some time and they each wanted to make the most of it so they'd set no alarms, thinking they could enjoy a long lie in, but Seb woke up early nonetheless, his bodyclock too attuned to rising early. He didn't want to move though. He didn't really care what time it was and Seb wasn't about to move to find out when they had no real plans for the day. Just here was perfect. Mark was asleep lying curled behind him, his warm body pressed into Sebastian's, his arm still wrapped around Seb's waist. Seb could feel Mark's steady breath on his neck and it sent a slight shiver through his spine. Mark's head rested at the back of his and Seb thought it felt as though Mark was buried into him. He ran a hand under the duvet and rested it over Mark's on his stomach. Mark's chest was moving gently against his back and Sebastian made sure his moved in time. It was such a nice feeling of peaceful togetherness.

He lay that way for some time, only thinking how good it was and trying to make sure he kept any concerns from slipping to the forefront of his mind. They'd made the call now, all that remained was to go into work tomorrow and tell Christian and then make their plans. It was fine, Seb didn't want to worry about that now. He felt a heavier breath breeze over his neck and Mark's hand move slightly over his skin. Sebastian smiled to know he was awake. Seb shifted ever so slightly to turn his head enough to see Mark, still not wishing to break this comfortable moment.

“Hey,” Seb greeted softly.

“Hey,” Mark echoed.

Sebastian smiled as Mark lifted his head from the pillow to steal a morning kiss before settling back. Sebastian let out a contented sigh and rested his head back round, Mark finding a spot to lean into him, his mouth near Seb's ear.

“This is nice.”

“Mmmm.”

Mark smiled and Seb could feel it against his neck. He let out another sigh and Mark sent his hand a little lower, Seb still leaving his hand over the top as it skimmed down to stroke over Sebastian's hip, Mark splaying his fingers and Sebastian allowing his to lace into the gaps.

“Very nice,” Seb agreed.

He felt Mark huff a little laugh behind him and it was as if the laugh went right through Seb, echoing into his own chest. Sebastian smiled at the idea, his still sleepy brain thinking as it often did how nice it would be just to fade into Mark, to be absorbed right into him, it was such a warm and lovely safe place. Seb laughed a little under his breath thinking how ridiculous that idea really was. He still felt it though.

Sebastian was pulled back from his daydreaming by Mark softly kissing at the spot just back below his ear. He drew in a deeper breath and led Mark's hand to reach down to touch his cock. He wasn't hard yet, but he knew it wouldn't take much.

Mark smiled and did as he was being encouraged to do, slowly stroking over Seb and hearing a satisfying hitch in Seb's breathing as he started to have an affect on him. He kissed more intently at Sebastian's neck and was rewarded with Seb starting to instinctively rock his hips slowly back and Mark's own breath grew sharper as he rapidly grew as hard as Sebastian was under his hand. God it felt good. Mark had no idea how he had restrained himself so long. Now that they had returned to being as they should be it was as if they were making up for lost time.

Mark swallowed, trying to compose himself enough to speak, whispering into Seb's ear.

“Good?”

“Yeah, ah, _Mark_.”

Sebastian let out an uncontrolled groan as Mark moved his hand over him and gently pushed his hips forward into him at the same time. Mark lifted his head a little to see Seb's face.

“Like this?”

“Mmm, yeah, like... on holiday,” Sebastian agreed breathily.

Mark nodded and leaned in to get Seb to turn his head so he could kiss him fully. Only stopping when Sebastian sighed into it more heavily and Mark gave him a peck on the lips before pushing himself up.

“Just a sec.”

He turned and quickly groped in the draw to get what he needed before resuming his position lying behind Seb, smoothing his hands over his skin before encouraging Sebastian to shift, stroking his hand under Seb's thigh as he bent it up, grazing his hand back and forth a few times along his leg making sure he was relaxed before drifting his hand higher, at the same time as kissing at Seb's neck along to his shoulder.

Sebastian let his eyes fall closed as he felt Mark's lips on his skin, his breath hot, his hands gentle. Seb let out a moan as he felt Mark reach inside him.

“Oh, god, _Mark_.”

He was sure his heart had just skipped a beat, Seb didn't know how he'd managed to form words at all just then. Sebastian's head felt entirely empty, he couldn't think anything other than that he needed this, needed more.

Mark's voice was in his ear, breathy and urgent.

“Good?”

“Yeah, oh, oh. _Fuck_.”

Sebastian squeezed his eyes tighter as Mark did just as he needed, stroking and touching him until Seb wasn't sure he could take any more. Mark was going so slowly, so perfectly, touching him just _there._ Oh god, Seb couldn't breathe at all, couldn't form any coherent thoughts. He was sure sounds were falling from his lips but Sebastian had no idea what they were.

Mark was desperately trying to control what he was doing to keep giving Seb pleasure like this. Seb was rocking back into him and the way he was brushing his arse against his hard cock was almost enough to finish Mark, but that would be too soon, far too soon. They had to make this last as long as possible. Mark lifted his head to look at Sebastian, distracting his brain by thinking about how amazing Seb looked so lost to it all. He was called back only by a more ragged cry from Seb's lips.

“Oh Mark, please.”

“Yes.”

“Please, need, need... you,” Seb gasped, his eyes now wide open.

Mark dipped in to kiss Seb's cheek.

“Yes darling, me too.”

Seb turned his head as far as he could to see Mark staring at him, his eyes hungry. He sighed out a breath as Mark settled back down behind him and carefully moved his hand to allow him to enter him, taking away what breath Seb had left. The movement seemed to happen so swiftly that lights flickered behind Seb's eyes and he thought he might have stopped breathing altogether.

“Seb?”

There was a pause while Sebastian tried to remember how to breathe and he succeeded in getting himself together enough to reply, however blurrily.

“Yeah.”

Mark was relieved to hear a response. Sebastian seemed pretty far gone already and Mark could feel how hard his heart was beating. He slipped his left hand under Sebastian's body and wrapped his arm around Seb's chest, pulling him as tight as he could to do nothing but feel their hearts beating too fast together for a few moments. Sebastian put his arm by Mark's and placed their hands so they sat over his heart, trying to tell him; _'_ _T_ _his is what you do to me'._

As Seb felt himself settle he shifted his shoulder back so he could twist a little to turn his head to Mark so he could kiss him again. He looked in his eyes and as they parted he gave Mark a nod. Seb turned back to rest more comfortably and Mark began to slowly move, one hand still around him, the other now holding Seb's hip to keep them moving together, going slowly for as long as possible until they couldn't keep things relaxed any longer and they picked up pace. Sebastian took Mark's hand from his hip and returned it to stroke him again, giving him what he needed as things ramped up ever faster to send them over the edge.

“Bloody hell.”

Mark stuttered against Seb, still slowing himself and feeling Seb's body shudder against his own. His head was swirling and he couldn't think anything.

Sebastian's head was slumped forwards, his chin against his chest. His head felt so heavy, so full and empty at the same time, as if it was packed with cotton wool and the only thing that he could feel now was how hard his heart was beating and Mark, Mark all around him and a part of him. Mark was his heartbeat too, it was the same. A strange disconnected part of Seb's brain wondered if this would be what it felt like if they really _could_ just melt into one another.

Mark took a deep breath and pulled his head back to softly kiss at the top of Sebastian's spine, not wanting to drag him back to reality too soon. He stroked his hand over Seb's waist and lifted his head as Sebastian let out a sigh.

“Okay darling?”

“Mmm.”

“Mm?”

Mark tried to look a little closer and saw a smile creep over Seb's lips. As Sebastian's brain started sparking back into cogency he moved his head back up to rest on the pillow and Mark bent around to kiss his cheek.

“Okay?” Mark asked again.

“Mmm, very okay,” Sebastian sighed.

Mark grinned.

“Good, me too.”

He waited for Sebastian to turn his head to kiss him on the lips then dropped back down into place, snuggling his nose and cheek to rest into the back of Seb's head. He let out a sigh and they tangled their arms back around one another's to stay in place for as long as they could, neither able to think of any better place to be.

  
  


 

It was an hour later that Sebastian finally woke, now lying partly over Mark's chest. He took in a deep breath and tipped his head back up to Mark to see he was already awake and watching him.

“Hey,” greeted Sebastian in a sleepy voice.

“Hello.”

Mark smiled and dipped in to give him a kiss. Seb smiled into it then shuffled up his body to be level with him.

“I didn't mean to fall asleep.”

Mark huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“Doesn't matter.”

“Ah, that was nice.”

“The sleep or...?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head at Mark.

“Both actually, although obviously,” Seb set his mouth by Mark's ear, “the sex was _very_ nice.”

“Good. I thought so too.”

Sebastian settled in against Mark, still half over him, his hand resting on the other side of Mark's chest, Mark holding him in place. Sebastian rested his head on Mark's shoulder, turned in so they could look at one another.

“Get up in a minute?” suggested Mark.

“Mm, in a minute.”

Mark smiled.

“Shower, breakfast, maybe even take our poor neglected dogs for a walk?”

“Yeah okay.”

“In a minute,” agreed Mark, giving Seb another little squeeze.

No rush, it was still only early. They would have enough of rushing about soon enough.

  
  


  
  


  
  


They took their time over everything that morning, a long shower together, a relaxed breakfast, wasting almost an hour over coffee afterwards. They spent it talking over their plans, thinking already about details such as whether they could stay an extra couple of nights together in Austin before they would have to go their separate ways and how soon they could be home after the following weekend. They looked up time differences to try to work out what that meant in comparison, seeing as they would be on opposite sides of the world but had to give up eventually, deciding it was scrambling their brains, choosing to take the dogs out instead to wake themselves up a bit.

The dogs ran on ahead as soon as they were allowed off their leads, dashing back and forth as they chased one another up and down the path, amusing Mark and Seb as they walked along far more sedately. Sebastian leant into Mark's side, his arm around his middle, Mark's arm around Seb in turn as they walked in step. It was far colder than yesterday, the air sharp and crisp after an early frost, but it didn't matter, nothing mattered, it was Sunday, officially a day off and they weren't giving anything too much thought right now beyond when they might have lunch and what they might do with their afternoon if the weather stayed fine.

  
  


  
  


Later on as they cleared away a late lunch Mark looked out the window at the blue sky and suggested it seemed a shame to let it go to waste.

“We could go out for a ride?” he proposed.

“Mm, yeah okay.”

“Yeah? We don't have to.”

“No, let's do that,” agreed Sebastian.

He sent Mark a smile.

“You know I've not even seen how your new bike is doing.”

“Your bike seeing as you bought it,” noted Mark.

“Well, anyway the new bike.”

“It's very swish thank you.”

Mark grinned at him.

“I might feel like I'm cheating if I'm on my fancy bike.”

Seb shrugged and Mark reminded himself that he needed to look into getting Seb a new one to match for Christmas so they would be on an even footing. Mark sent an arm around Sebastian's shoulder as they stood by the counter.

“We don't need to race. Tell you what, why don't I adjust my old one and you can have that?”

“I'm working my way up your bikes,” Seb noted.

“Ha, well, for now anyway, it's better than the one you've got. What do you reckon?”

“Um yeah, okay.”

“Right, let's do that then.”

 

Mark let him go and they headed into the garage to make the necessary changes. Seb sat perched on Mark's old bike, having to hold onto Mark to prevent him toppling over seeing as his feet didn't touch the floor. Mark carefully lowered down to measure how much he needed to lower the seat, Sebastian giggling and frantically hanging onto his shoulders as the bike wobbled.

“Mark, Mark!” shrieked Sebastian as Mark leaned away too much and the bike veered sideways.

“Oh shit.”

Mark shot his hands up and raised himself to catch Seb who was perilously close to falling on top of him whilst still sat on the bike, taking it with him as he skewed sideways. The moment was saved as they stilled and Mark helped Sebastian clamber off safely, keeping their hands on one another until Seb was securely stood on the floor.

“Jesus, don't do that to me,” complained Mark.

“Sorry.”

Mark breathed out and gave him a hug, making sure Seb knew he wasn't really annoyed with him.

“Bloody hell, that's the last thing we need,” he commented, thinking how easily Sebastian could have taken a spill then and come crashing down on the hard concrete floor of the garage.

“Maybe not such a good idea,” conceded Sebastian.

“Hm, maybe I should have got you to put your helmet on already?”

Mark gave Seb a smile to let him know he was joking, or at least half-joking.

“I can just use my old bike, or your old, old, one, it's okay,” offered Seb thinking that maybe they were putting too much effort into this.

“Nah it's fine. I think I've got it. Just need to drop the seat a few inches.”

Mark started to rifle around in one of the tool drawers to find a spanner to do the job while Seb stood to the side.

“Take me a while. It's pretty stiff,” admitted Mark, as he went back over and struggled to get any purchase on the bolt under the seat.

“Oh, umm. You sure you don't need a hand?”

“No I've got it. Don't stand around getting cold. I'll give you a shout and we can check it's okay in a bit.”

“Righto.”

  
  


  
  


Sebastian left Mark to it, knowing that fiddling about with bikes was Mark's thing and he'd probably do it faster without him watching over his shoulder. In truth Seb really wasn't bothered about using a better bike, but he didn't want Mark to have to slow down to let him keep up. Usually even on the old one they were fairly evenly paced given Seb's younger legs, but Sebastian hadn't been back on it since the accident and he wasn't at all sure how he'd do.

Seb was going to go and change ready for their ride when he was pounced on by the dogs in the hallway and relented to their demands to go into the kitchen, checking they had food and water then fussing over them in turn. Seb ducked down on his haunches in the middle of the kitchen floor giving their fur a good rub and smiling at the affection they gave in return.

“Are you happy now? Good boy Shadow. Ach, no don't _lick_ me you silly thing.”

He pushed Shadow away from his face and the dog wheeled away, knowing he was being ticked off and went instead to eat some of the food in his bowl, leaving his partner in crime to play with Seb instead.

“Are you going to be good hmm? S...”

Sebastian froze.

S... _S..._

His name, his name, it began with S. _S_...

Sebastian's heart started pounding and heat rushed through his skin. Oh god, he couldn't remember the dog's name, _their_ dog's name. S. _S_... Like Shadow, but not Shadow, because the other one was Shadow, this was... No, it was gone.

Seb started to panic, racking his brain trying to remember, but it was just out of reach. He _knew_ he knew it, but it had slipped away and the harder Seb tried to recall it, the further the information was gone, as if he was scrabbling around on ice making things worse.

Why couldn't he remember? Seb's head was whirling in freefall and he took several sharp breaths staring at the dog in front of him who was looking back at him wondering what was going on. Sebastian stared and then he saw it; the round metal tag attached to his dog-collar, the name engraved across the centre. He reached out a shaking hand to look at it.

Simba.

Oh god it was _Simba_ , of course it was. Why hadn't he remembered? Why? Oh god, why? Sebastian took in another sharp breath and burst into tears. The dog nuzzled into him and Seb dropped down onto the tiled floor on his knees, putting his arms around the animal and sobbing as shock and confusion overwhelmed him.

  
  


  
  


Mark walked into the kitchen to wash a bit of oil off his hands and saw Sebastian with his back to him. He was kneeling low on the floor, hugging one of the dogs, the other dog pushing into his side. Mark stopped and frowned, wondering what was going on when he heard a shuddering breath and rushed over realising something was very wrong. He ducked down by Sebastian's side, trying to see what was happening as Seb's face was almost buried in the dog's fur.

“Seb?”

Mark put his hand on Sebastian's arm to reach him and Seb sat up. Mark was horrified to see how upset he was, his face wet with tears and his breathing broken.

“Seb, oh my god, what's the matter? What's happened?”

Sebastian took several more shuddery breaths and shook his head, unable to speak. Mark knelt down properly next to him so he could pull him into his arms. Seb pressed his face into Mark's shoulder as he rubbed his back trying to soothe him, still wondering what the hell was going on.

“Sweetheart what is it?” Mark tried again.

Seb took a couple more convulsive breaths in before looking up at Mark.

“I, I, couldn't remember.”

Mark dipped his head lower, frowning at Sebastian.

“What couldn't you remember?”

“Simba. I couldn't, couldn't remember Simba's name,” Seb gulped.

Mark furrowed his brow even deeper, not understanding.

“What do you mean?”

Seb frowned back, thinking it was clear what he meant.

“I looked at him and I, I...” he sniffled, brushing at his face and took a couple more shaky breaths. “I couldn't remember his name. It was just _gone_.”

Mark looked at him completely thrown, still trying to get his head around it.

“But you remember now?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. It's on his tag. I didn't, didn't remember. I saw it.”

Mark didn't know what to say and Seb's face crumpled as he started crying again.

“Ah hell,” sighed Mark.

He pulled Sebastian back in and let him rest against his chest as he held onto him, Seb continuing to cry as Mark rubbed up and down his arm, trying to comfort him. Sebastian clung across him, trying to breath in Mark's comforting scent to tell him he was okay. His head was still tumbling in confusion at how he could forget something so fundamental, so basic, so day-to-day, that it felt as though it was as if Seb had forgotten his _own_ name.

It made no sense. He'd known it before, he knew it now, but in that horrible moment their own dog's name had evaporated and been as ungraspable as air.

How could that happen? Seb had thought he was okay now. What was wrong with his brain that it could pull such a nasty trick on him and what did it mean? The more he thought about it, the more distressed Seb became as he couldn't comprehend how this could have happened so completely out of the blue to take him out at the knees in this way.

“Shh, it's alright. It's alright darling, it's alright.”

Mark kept soothing him, his cheek dropped onto Seb's head as he rested into him. Sebastian felt trembly in his arms and Mark felt his heart hammering through his ribs, worrying at his erratic breathing and concerned whether Seb might be so upset he could fall into a panic attack.

“It's alright darling, don't panic, just stay calm. It's alright. I think it can just happen. Sometimes you just forget things. Don't get worked up. We'll talk to the doctor, it'll be okay. It's okay sweetheart, it's okay.”

It took several minutes until Sebastian subsided, starting to shut down slightly as he reacted by coping in the most familiar way; pushing away the problem by emptying his mind in order not to think about it, allowing only the comfort Mark offered to register, barely even noticing that the dogs remained pressed in with them as well.

Mark continued to hold Seb as they sat on the floor, eventually slipping into silence to match him, struggling to know what else to say. Mark's heart was in his boots. Fuck. They'd been doing so well. He'd thought they were almost there. Now what?

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah hell, I'm so damn mean sometimes. Sorry.
> 
> This chapter is like someone happily skipping along the pavement; La la la la-lah... Open manhole cover: plummet.


	96. Making Calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been asked to give a bit of a heads-up on the chronology here, but basically I have to hold my hands up and say that this isn't following the current F1/WEC calendar because I plotted all this out nearly a year ago and changes have been made since then that threw it all out of whack, so I'm sticking with what I've got cos it works (kinda anyway). So forgive me if that's confusing and if it's basically a made-up schedule now to fit my story, well, it's only a story and I'm not sure it matters that much.
> 
> Austin GP here falls on the last weekend Oct/start Nov, followed by a week later Shanghai for Mark and Brazil for Seb.  
> I guess seeing as Bernie cancelled the German GP right after I'd included my chapter set there in this story I was already veering off the RL schedule anyway.
> 
> So I hope that all makes sense. Anyway, here we go, next bit...

* * *

 

 

  
  


Mark and Seb sat in Dr. Roberts' room at the hospital on the Monday morning. Mark had rung up yesterday afternoon but she had been on one of her rare weekends off. The best he could do was to leave a request for her to ring when she got in and when she called back they had managed to get her earliest appointment she could squeeze in this morning instead of their usual later time.

Once they'd calmed down, Mark couldn't work out if there was a chance they were over-reacting. It was only one little detail that Seb had forgotten and when he'd first been hurt Mark had seen so much of this, far worse than this, but he'd been better lately, officially so and the seemingly tiny slip had frightened them both. Mark had found himself watching Sebastian carefully for the rest of the day. Once Seb had settled enough to be taken through into the lounge he'd been struck by a headache but neither of them were sure whether that was really connected to the incident or if it was a consequence of getting upset. Mark had offered Seb his painkillers but Seb had refused and insisted on taking normal paracetamol instead. This response had frustrated and strangely comforted Mark in equal measure, showing as it did Sebastian's infuriating stubbornness and reassuring him that Seb was together enough to cope with less medication.

 

The doctor knew from the fact that they had requested to come in early that something was wrong, so she skipped her standard introductory checks and went straight to the issue.

“So has there been a problem?”

She had seen how closely they had chosen to sit and it wasn't hard to read the mood in the room.

Sebastian took a deep breath and looked down for a moment before looking to her.

“Something happened yesterday.”

She nodded encouragingly.

“I umm, I had a moment, like a brain freeze I guess, and I couldn't remember one of our dogs' names.”

Sebastian glanced to Mark wondering if he was explaining this right. Mark put an arm around him and gave him a squeeze, hating knowing how much it had upset Seb.

There was a pause and Mark was just considering whether it might be better if he picked this up and talked to the doctor instead when Seb continued.

“I know it must sound stupid, but it really scared me. I just couldn't remember it, the harder I tried, the worse it was and I think I just freaked out.”

Mark sighed at the set expression on Sebastian's face he knew meant Seb was playing down how he really felt. Mark wished he hadn't been away from Seb at the time it occurred, leaving him on his own. It was only a few minutes, Mark had only been a few yards away, but he hadn't known what was going on. He had no idea how he was meant to cope going forwards when letting Seb out of his sight at all felt too much of a risk.

 

The doctor nodded.

“I see. That sounds very upsetting. I can understand why that frightened you. It's certainly not stupid to have been affected by it.”

“I know it's just the dog...”

“No Seb it's your pet, an important part of your life, that matters to you. You don't need to dismiss it. I'm presuming you've had no issues remembering the dog's name before?”

“No. It just suddenly disappeared.”

“Right. Okay and this happened without warning? You weren't feeling ill or anything?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I just went to say his name and it was gone.”

“Okay. Did it come back to you?”

“No. I tried really hard to remember it but I couldn't. I knew our other dog's name so it doesn't make any sense. The harder I tried the worse it got,” Seb explained.

“How do you mean?”

“I sort of panicked and I couldn't think at all.”

Dr. Roberts frowned and leaned forwards.

“You mean you had a panic attack?”

“No I just... I don't know, I just got worked up a bit. It's hard to explain. I didn't handle it very well.”

Mark turned a little to Seb.

“Don't say that sweetheart. You got upset, of course you did.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and huffed it out.

“Mark's right,” added in Dr. Roberts. “This isn't something to criticise. You've had a serious concussion. Your brain is still recovering from that. The stage you are in now is post-concussion, this means you are still likely to have some symptoms.”

“I thought I was okay though. I've passed all the tests meant to measure that I'm ready to race again. I don't understand.”

Dr. Roberts let out a little sigh and nodded.

“Yes, well I think that would be part of the reason why it was so upsetting for you. You've been working very hard to build on your recovery and get yourself in a position ready to return to racing. I gave a report to that effect last week and I would not have said it if I didn't believe it to be true. You are a lot better, but I've told you before Seb, brain injuries and recovery from them are not necessarily linear. I'm sorry if that is less than reassuring, but I owe it to you to be honest.”

“Okay, so what does that mean?” asked Sebastian, trying to sound as calm as he could, even though he thought she was right; she _wasn't_ being entirely reassuring.

“Well it basically means we cannot know what will happen. It isn't exactly like a bone breaking and healing. Your brain _is_ healing itself and that's great, you're doing really well, but with concussion it is impossible to predict whether there might not be ongoing issues.”

“Issues?” intervened Mark.

She nodded.

“Yes. As I've tried to say from the start, a recurrence of headaches or indeed any of the symptoms that you suffered from to a much more extreme degree in the immediate aftermath of your injury are possible even months later, so an aspect of amnesia re-occurring is also equally possible.”

Sebastian looked at the floor, trying not to feel defeated at hearing this.

“So there's nothing we can do?” asked Mark.

The doctor tried to think of the most positive way to put it to try to help them.

“You're doing everything you can to help your recovery Sebastian. You have rested when you needed to and as you've got better you have exercised your body and your mind to build back up and that's been going well hasn't it?”

Seb looked up and shrugged one shoulder.

“I guess so.”

“I should remind you Sebastian that your recovery has been far faster than I would normally expect from a similar injury. You have been doing really well. Try not to let this set you back too much.”

 

Sebastian looked at her, thinking that what she was saying was kind, but it didn't really give him answers.

“So it can just happen like that? I could just forget things I know?”

She looked over, wishing there was a different answer she could give him.

“I'm afraid so. Look Seb I appreciate that this was upsetting, but try to keep it in perspective. A name is a detail, a fact. The most common thing to happen with a concussion that has incurred amnesia is that you may occasionally suffer from a minor recurrence. Small details that fall out of reach such as a name, or a phone number, an address, that kind of thing.”

“But it's our dog. How could I not know that when I knew it before?”

She opened out her hands.

“In all honesty Seb there is no way of knowing. You said it just slipped and you suffered from what you called a brain freeze, then you panicked. I'm not placing blame or trying to make you feel bad about it, but by panicking you made it harder for your brain to operate. When that happens your brain refocusses all it's attention on dealing with that and it is very difficult to think clearly at all. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“I'm not saying it is your fault.”

“Okay, but...” Seb ran out of words.

“Seb, do you know your dog's name now?”

“Yes. It's Simba.”

“Okay, so you did remember it?”

Seb shook his head.

“No, it was on the tag on his collar.”

“You looked at it?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“I think that just upset me more somehow, because I knew it then. It was so obvious and I couldn't understand what was happening.”

“Right, but now you do?”

Seb paused.

“I suppose.”

“Seb you _are_ doing better. This was just a glitch. I don't know whether it is reassuring or not to you to know this is normal, but try not to let it overshadow how well you are doing. You looked at the dog collar; that is a rational act, even when your brain was panicking and you were upset, you took a rational action to find out what you needed to know. That actually says a lot about how well your brain is operating.”

“Does it?”

“Yes Seb. So know that. You are making an excellent recovery but the after-effects of concussion are unpredictable. I think perhaps if you are aware of that you might be in a better position to deal with anything that could reoccur. A snap of mild amnesia, a bad headache or dizziness doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to get seriously ill again. The symptoms should pass as long as you deal with them properly.”

“So what should I do?”

“First off try to stay calm. Accept that something is happening that is out of your control and think about what you need to do, whether that is find out the information missing to remind yourself of it, to rest if you feel dizzy and if you have a headache and feel the need to, take the appropriate painkillers. Then when you feel better you can carry on. As time goes by it should become less and less likely to occur. Only if the symptoms worsen or fail to improve would it really be a cause for serious concern.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh. That did sound logical and it was at least reassuring to know it wasn't his fault.

 

“Is this the only time this has happened?” checked the doctor.

“Yeah. I mean recently anyway. I did have a headache afterwards too.”

“Well that's not terribly surprising. Okay and what did you do?”

“I took some paracetamol and had a lie down on the sofa.”

Mark gave his arm a little rub and the doctor didn't need to ask if Mark had helped to look after him.

“Well that sounds like you did the right thing to help yourself. There weren't any other side effects?”

“No not really. I felt kinda tired.”

“Again, understandable. You weren't feeling unwell at all in the run up to this?”

“No I was I was feeling pretty great all weekend actually. I think maybe that was why it was such a shock.”

“That does seem to confirm that this isn’t part of a larger relapse, but rather something to consider in isolation. I presume you had another busy week. How did all that go? You were going to do your driving again weren't you? Can you tell me how that went?”

 

Sebastian went through how the previous week had gone. His doctor asked him several leading questions about the details of his track test and how he had handled controlling the car.

“Okay well I think that all sounds very promising. It's certainly excellent news that you drove without feeling any motion-sickness or any other ill-effects. You said that you were driving the car almost on automatic pilot?”

“Well, umm, not quite, I still had to think about it, but the wheel and the controls, yeah that was fine, but what if this means I could forget it?”

“When you are driving you mean?”

“Yeah?”

That was what scared Sebastian the most and he knew Mark was worrying about that too; what would happen if he was driving the car at speed in a race and he suddenly forgot something crucial.

The doctor sat back in her chair.

“It's hard to be definitive, but things that are automatic, actions that you do without having to make a conscious effort to think through are unlikely to be the things that slip. It is facts that are far more common, as I say, something like a name or a date that you are more likely to forget. Think of the phrase about riding a bike, the actions you have ingrained deep in your habits don't require conscious remembering how to do them, you just do them.”

Mark coughed an odd little laugh and the doctor looked at him in surprise.

“Sorry, it's just that's what we were about to do, we were going to go on a bike ride yesterday afternoon when this happened.”

“Oh, I see, well that is rather ironic, but do you take my point?”

She looked at both of them and they nodded.

“So there's nothing I can do to stop problems like this happening?” asked Sebastian.

“I'm afraid not, although given the unpredictability of this it is also possible that they may not occur at all.”

“Right.”

Sebastian puffed out a long breath.

“So I didn't do anything to make it happen?”

“No, although as I say, the headache was likely to have been caused by the earlier problem and in future you may be particularly vulnerable to headaches if you have been upset or tired or stressed. If it had just been a bad headache you suffered from yesterday I might be inclined to suggest it came after another busy stressful week, but as you said you were having a good relaxed weekend I don't think it's that. I think it's just as I say a glitch, a blip in an otherwise advanced recovery. Memory lapses do occur all the time in perfectly healthy people as well; forgetting say your pin-number. The reaction of many people, young or old, is often the same as yours was; to panic your brain into trying too hard and as a consequence this makes it harder to actually recall the fact they need, then when they find a way to check that fact it seems obvious and it only seems curious that they couldn't recall it before.”

“So it's normal.”

“Essentially, yes, it's just that we know why it happened to you.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Does that help?”

 

Seb glanced to Mark and looked back at his doctor to give her a nod. He thought she looked as if she was about to say something else when he interrupted with a thought that occurred to him.

“Umm, one thing, I mean you said it could just happen anyway, it's not anything I did...”

The doctor looked over, nodding to prompt Sebastian to continue.

“Um, so you know what we were talking about last time?”

She looked blank for a moment, trying to work out what he was referring to.

“I mean, um, sex,” Seb clarified.

“I see, yes, you have questions?”

“No, well, that's the thing, see we did.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah so, umm, that wasn't... I mean, that couldn't be anything to do with the problem?”

Sebastian hardly knew how he was asking this seeing as he pretty much wanted to sink into the floor to have to discuss it again, but they had to know or Seb was sure they would find a way to worry about that again and he didn't want to lose what they had only just regained.

“You didn't feel unwell in anyway as a result?”

“Hm? Oh no, it was fine, good, I mean I felt good, fine, no problems, better actually, I mean I felt better after, that is.”

Seb had to resist the urge to bury his face into Mark he felt so embarrassed tripping up over this.

 

Dr. Roberts carefully didn't smile at her patient's awkwardness even if it was in truth somehow terribly endearing.

“And you didn't feel any ill-effects afterwards?”

“No, none of the times. Just like... normal, you know? Good.”

Seb wanted the floor to open up as he realised he had just told her that they had slept together several times in the past week.

“Well that's good then, I'm glad to hear it,” replied the doctor evenly.

She was tempted to say that if Sebastian had had the energy and the inclination to have sex on what he was hinting was a few occasions since she had last seen them, then that was actually pretty impressive.

“I think you can discount that as a factor then. Like I said last week, I would take that as an indication that you really are doing much better Seb. I think you just have to accept that you are going to have a few set-backs here and there and learn to deal with them.”

“Right, okay.”

Sebastian looked to Mark, glad at least that that was alright.

Mark was equally relieved to hear that as he knew he would blame himself if sleeping together had counted as a cause, but now he knew that they had to ask.

“So doc, the thing now is, Seb was passed to drive, officially that is, but do you think that's still okay?”

Dr. Roberts looked at both of them.

“Is that concerning you Seb?”

Seb shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“Okay, well obviously it is up to you. I would think the main decider would be how confident you feel about it, but you said the track test went well and you've been driving all these simulated tracks with only the one isolated problem.”

Seb nodded.

“And as you say, you have received official clearance.”

“Yeah.”

“So I think it's your call. You should do what you are happy with.”

Sebastian frowned, not quite knowing how he was meant to feel now.

“You don't think it would be unsafe?” pressed Mark.

“I wouldn't have given my recommendation if I felt that way. I think the fact that you tried the practical test on the track and that went well, is the most important indicator to bear in mind. Please try not to get too hung up on a relatively small issue occurring.”

 

She looked at Sebastian, trying to look at it practically from his point of view.

“Seb, you said that a large part of what you do in the car is automatic?”

“Yeah.”

“And the rest is planning, dealing with problems, analysing and decision making?”

“Yes.”

“And you've had no issues with that?”

“No I guess not.”

“Are there driving scenarios where you would need to recall set facts, say data or anything like that?”

“Um, no not really, there are read-outs on the screen and my engineer might give me some deltas or instructions to aim for certain things like speeds or gears to be using in certain places.”

“Okay but it is my understanding that you have a radio in the car?”

“Yes. Oh so you mean I could ask?”

“Exactly. If a fact like a number representing a speed you were aiming for or the recommended gear should slip from your mind, and I'm not saying it will, but just in case you worry that it might, then you could ask.”

Seb sat back and looked at Mark who nodded.

“Yeah I guess that's true.”

Seb didn't much like the idea of having to expose a problem by asking, but it was at least something to know that there was a back-up available.

“Does that help reassure you?” Dr. Roberts asked, hoping it had.

“I think so, I mean yes, thank you.”

“Mark?”

Mark gave a small shrug back, it did and it didn't. He wasn't exactly keen on the idea that Seb might need to ask for help over the radio whilst driving the car, but equally he was relieved to know what had happened wasn't a sign of a worse problem.

“Um, yeah thanks.”

“I think it might be advisable for you to talk to your team doctor, Dr. Phillips isn't it?”

“Yes, okay.”

Dr. Roberts smiled.

“You see Seb, I had to check then. Memory is a very hard thing to quantify, try to keep in mind that human beings are not meant to be infallible.”

“Seb sets himself pretty high standards,” noted Mark.

“Yes, this I have come to appreciate,” she agreed. “Okay, any more questions?”

Sebastian thought; None that weren't asking for solid answers she couldn't give. He wished that there were more certainties involved in all this.

“No, I... no I guess we just need to have a think. If I do go, that means this weekend coming,” Seb reminded her.

“I can see how that seems soon. If you feel waiting would be better, then I should have thought you could talk to your team about it.”

“Yeah I haven't actually given them my decision yet.”

“Ah okay, well then have a think through. As I've said before, the most important thing is that you do what you feel comfortable with.”

“Yeah, thanks. Okay, I'll let you know if I'm going to be away.”

Dr. Roberts smiled.

“Well I'm pretty sure I'll hear about it if you do go racing, but I'd appreciate knowing if you'll be able to make your next appointment. You can leave a message with the desk if I'm not around.”

“Okay thanks, I'll do that.”

 

  
  


They left the room and wandered out into the corridor still feeling slightly unsettled despite all her attempts to reassure them. Mark looked at his watch.

“What do you want to do now? It's still only just gone nine. What time are they expecting you in MK?”

“Not till after lunch. I suppose we should go home and have a talk about this.”

“Mm,” nodded Mark.

A thought occurred to Seb.

“Could we pop upstairs?”

Mark frowned.

“Upstairs?”

“Where we were. I was just thinking if we're not in a rush we could go up and see if any of the nurses are around to say hello.”

“Oh, um okay, sure if you want to,” agreed Mark. He wasn't quite sure where this had come from, but he wasn't going to object.

 

They found the lift and instead of going down to the exit they found the ward where Sebastian had been admitted to all those weeks ago. As they stepped out onto the corridor Seb suddenly felt strange, wondering if he was allowed to just wander in uninvited or if either of the nurses who had cared for him would even be on duty. They walked towards the desk and he started to feel more nervous as he couldn't see anyone sat there, until the door behind that led into the back room the nurses used, opened up and someone walked out, her face splitting into a smile as she saw who was there.

“Oh my word, hello stranger,” she greeted in happy surprise.

Seb found himself automatically reflecting her smile.

“Hello Jude. I thought we'd just stop by to say hi seeing as we were here. I hope that's okay?”

“Okay? That's great. Were you here for a check-up?”

“Yeah.”

“Hang on.”

She turned around and re-opened the door to speak to someone and Nurse Benjamin emerged.

“Blimey,” smiled Mark, “how many are you keeping in there?”

Jude laughed and explained.

“We had a staff meeting at the change of shifts.”

“You've just caught me, I was getting my things before heading home for some sleep,” commented Benjy.

“Oh I don't want to keep you,” allowed Sebastian.

“Nonsense. It's lovely to see you. Goodness you do look well.”

“Do I?”

The two nurses glanced at one another, neither wishing to note the fact that the last time they had seen Sebastian he had barely been able to walk down the corridor without help.

“Of course. Really well. You are feeling better?”

“Um yeah.”

“That's great and Mark you're well?”

“Me? I'm fine thank you. It's nice to see you.”

“Yeah, I wanted to come up, I was hoping you would be here, just to say thank you,” Seb added.

“We got your flowers dear, that was very thoughtful of you.”

A large expensive-looking bouquet complete with vase had turned up weeks after Sebastian had been discharged and only when they read the attached card had they worked out who had sent them.

“Oh well you know, you were so kind. You've no idea how much we appreciate it,” praised Seb.

“Yes, we really do,” added Mark, thinking back to how well they had taken care of them both. Back then he hadn't even realised how much he needed taking care of too.

“Not at all. We were glad to,” replied Jude.

“Well anyway, we don't want to take up your time,” said Sebastian knowing the nurses had far more important things to be doing.

“That's okay, it really is lovely to see you.”

Both nurses came round from the desk to give them each a hug, Mark having to really duck down to allow it given the disparity in height and trying not to laugh at how ridiculous he felt.

“You will take care of yourselves won't you?” asked Benjy.

“We'll try.”

 

They left their brief visit with more thanks and invocations to look after themselves. As they exited the hospital and crossed the car-park Mark held Sebastian's hand and his mind slipped back to thinking how scared he had been when they first arrived here. He'd had to practically drag Sebastian into the hospital through this very car-park where they walked now. Mark remembered how utterly terrified he had been when Seb had collapsed and how he, just as much as Seb, had needed to hold onto him through the nights spent here to know he was okay. Seb had been so very ill. He hadn't even known where he was when he woke and in those moments Mark had seen such fear in Sebastian's eyes. That haunted Mark almost as much as the crash itself.

He stopped when they got to the car and put his hand to the side of Sebastian's face to look in those eyes again. Seb put his hand over Mark's and looked back.

“Are you okay Liebling?”

Mark took a deep breath, noting once again how Seb always thought of him, even when Seb was the one with the problems.

“Yeah. I was just thinking about when we first came here.”

“Oh.”

“You were so ill and I was scared out of my mind. Looking back I have no idea how I even drove here.”

“I don't really remember it,” Sebastian admitted.

“I know, that's okay.”

“I hate that you had to go through all that.”

“It's not your fault sweetheart.”

“I know, but I still hate it. I hate that you still have to worry about me.”

“Yeah well...”

Mark let out a long sigh.

“Still not your fault. Come on, let's go home.”

 

Mark moved to kiss Sebastian and they made to get into the car. As they fastened their seatbelts he looked over to Seb.

“It was nice to see the nurses. What made you think of that?”

Seb shrugged.

“Dunno, I just thought of it. I guess I was thinking of how much worse it was back then as well.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better?”

Mark nodded.

“Nothing wrong with that. I'm pretty sure you just made their day too.”

Seb scrunched his nose and Mark shook his head, still thinking how Seb undervalued himself.

“I don't imagine enough people say thank you for all they do,” Mark commented.

“They should.”

“Yeah they should. Okay, let's go home.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


Once home they settled themselves in the kitchen with a cup of tea, sat at the table together. The dogs came to sit with them and Mark watched as Sebastian stroked Simba's head. Seb looked up to see Mark looking at him.

“It still doesn't really make sense.”

Mark gave a little nod.

“I know.”

“I'm not sure whether I would have remembered again if I hadn't looked at his tag.”

“No well I suppose there's no way of knowing. Maybe you would.”

“Yeah maybe.”

Seb took in a deep breath and let it out. He gave a little shrug of his shoulders.

“So... What do you think we should do?”

“You mean you racing?”

“Yeah.”

“Well it's still up to you.”

“Mmm. I just... pffff. It felt good to have made a decision, but now I feel all uncertain again.”

Mark nodded. He felt the same way. There was a part of him that wanted to use what had happened yesterday as proof that Seb shouldn't go back yet, but it felt that if he did so it would be taking advantage of something unpleasant and bringing Seb down.

 

“Yeah.”

“And we've told people now.”

“Only our families, not the team.”

“No I suppose.”

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“You think your family would have a problem with you changing your mind?”

Seb huffed a dark laugh.

“No I think my mum would be thrilled.”

“Darling, not thrilled,” chided Mark.

“No alright, that's unfair, but she would be relieved.”

Seb looked to Mark, wondering if he felt the same way.

“What about you? Would you be relieved if I don't race?”

Mark sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, struggling to articulate how he felt.

“I don't know. A bit, but I know that's not right. I want you to be better, that's the main thing.”

“Yeah but you are worrying, I know you are.”

“Yeah well, okay...”

“Are you worrying more now?”

Mark stared at his mug of tea, his lips pressed tightly together. He looked back at Seb and couldn't lie.

“Yeah I suppose I am.”

Sebastian bit his lip.

“If you asked me not to race I wouldn't do it.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“Don't do that, don't put it on me, please Seb. I can't...” he tried to compose himself. “It's your call, you're the one driving.”

“Yeah but...”

Mark shook his head again.

“I'm worried, sure, but I was before. Maybe Dr. Roberts is right and we're blowing this out of proportion?”

“Maybe,” Seb allowed.

“I'm not saying it's wrong to be upset by it and it is scary to think you could forget something while driving.”

“Yeah.”

Mark reached out and put his hand over Seb's where it held the mug of tea.

“But nothing might happen. What happened yesterday might have been a one-off.”

Sebastian huffed out a mirthless laugh.

“I hate that it's all so uncertain. I think I'd rather be told flat, you know; this is wrong, or that will happen... Something to know for sure.”

“Yeah, me too. I mean obviously I just want you to be okay.”

Seb scrunched his eyes shut as if trying to force his brain to come to a decision.

“I have to talk to Christian today, they have to know to make plans.”

“I know. Look she's right, it's about confidence. You need to be confident if you're going to be behind the wheel. Do you think you can do that?”

Sebastian still didn't say anything so Mark continued.

“You were fine at Silverstone. I mean I know you were nervous, but once you actually got on the track, once you got going.”

“Yeah.”

“So maybe it would be the same in Austin? You've always been pretty good at shutting everything out and just going racing.”

Seb thought about that. He'd had to shut out some pretty big things in order to do that before. Couldn't he do it again?

“I guess. I suppose the thing is worrying about whether I'm doing all that fine and then my brain decides to forget something.”

“Yeah.”

The idea alone made Mark's heart seize.

 

Sebastian thought back over what she had said.

“I don't suppose, I mean she sounded pretty certain it wouldn't be something really dangerous like forgetting what pedal does what.”

“Oh god, Seb don't even...” stopped Mark, feeling sick at the suggestion.

“No I know, but she said she didn't think that would happen. Do you think, I mean if I speak to the team... I don't know... I don't want them to think I can't do it, but maybe I could talk to Dr. Phillips.”

“Yeah I think you should.”

“I know he'll tell Christian.”

“Well I guess that's his job.”

“Do you think there's any way they might accept that I could ask if I got stuck on something, you know on the radio like she said?”

Mark really wasn't sure. It was hardly likely to engender confidence in Seb from his team, but perhaps they could find a way to handle it.

“I don't know,” Seb continued, “I was thinking maybe if I speak to them we could come up with a code to let them know I need a prompt on something?”

“Yeah, hmm, yeah I guess you could. I suppose it's how you put it to them, if it's just a matter of needing a reminder.”

“As long as I can do all the rest.”

“Yeah.”

“I mean most of driving is like she said, you know, habit, feel of the what the car is doing and I suppose I was all okay with that the other day.”

Sebastian sounded a little more positive and Mark heard it.

“Okay, so you still want to race?”

“I think... yeah I think so. I mean nothing might happen right? I might be totally fine?”

“I'm sure you will be,” offered Mark unable to do anything other than automatically reassure Seb.

“And she said if I did have an issue it could be any time, months off even, so I'm not sure waiting longer helps.”

“No, I suppose.”

Sebastian looked at Mark, trying to read him.

“You'd rather I waited?”

“I rather there was no chance you could have any problems. I'd rather you didn't have to worry about anything. I'd rather...”

Mark voice caught and he couldn't say the rest; He'd rather Seb hadn't had the accident to begin with.

Seb nodded.

“I know. Me too.”

 

What good did it do? Mark knew he was going to be a ball of worry whatever the circumstances, surely he should remember how they'd felt once Seb had been passed fit and push on to make the best of things?

“If you think you can do it, you should do it,” proposed Mark decisively.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Dr. Roberts doesn't see you as being any different to last week, so maybe we should be the same. You did great at Silvo, you passed all the tests. I think, maybe if you just talk to Doc Phillips and see what he says and if he thinks it's still okay...”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. Okay then.”

He took a deep breath trying to reset himself. Seb looked at the time and saw it was still only a little past ten am.

“I've still got ages till I'm due in. Do you want to go for a run and just, you know, try to clear our heads a bit?”

Mark nodded, it seemed a good idea.

“Go for coffee, come back and have an early lunch. Then that'd give you time to go in for a chat?” Mark proposed.

“Yeah.”

Then he'd have to talk to Christian and that really would be the final call. Once it had been agreed with his boss, for all he'd told his family that there were still a few things to get past before he would definitely be racing, Seb knew it would be fast-forward to sitting in the car in that garage in Austin.

 

 

  
  


  
  


A couple of hours later Seb was sat in Dr. Phillips' office, giving him an update and discussing the potential problem. Despite himself Sebastian found it impossible not to downplay it slightly and he completely avoided confessing anything about how upset he had been.

“I see, and your doctor says she's still happy you would be racing this weekend?” checked Dr. Phillips.

“Yeah, I mean she said I ought to talk to you.”

“Yes, well I'm glad you did. You didn't have any issues whilst in the car last week?”

“No it was all fine.”

Dr. Phillips nodded, mulling it over.

“I've known drivers with concussion get back in the car far sooner.”

“Really?”

“Yes, perhaps with lesser injuries, but the effects are always fairly difficult to predict.”

“So do you think I'm still okay to race?”

Dr. Phillips drummed his fingers on the desk.

“I think we're effectively still in the same position we were on Friday. Do you _want_ to race?”

Seb paused only a moment.

“Yes.”

 

Okay, well there he'd said it. No turning back now.

 

“Okay. Were you due to go and speak with Christian?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you give me five minutes with him first?”

“Of course.”

Sebastian wondered what the doctor would say, but surely if it was any kind of objection he would be saying it to his face right now.

 

Seb wandered off to find a quiet spot where he could call Mark.

“So he still thinks you're fine?”

“Yeah, I mean pretty much the same. He just sort of said little weird things can happen with concussion.”

“Well I've told you I've had random headaches long after when I've had concussions. I know they were far lesser but I barely took a break from racing at all and it was okay, so...”

“Yeah. Well he's talking to Christian now then I'll go over.”

“And tell him you want to race?”

“Yeah I think so. I think I just have to be brave and admit I might need a bit of help if anything should happen.”

“Yeah, okay... Yeah do that. Talk to Christian. I'm sure he'll find a way to manage it.”

“Okay.”

Seb took a decisive breath.

“Okay, well I'd better go. You're alright with this?”

“Yeah, we'll be alright. I'll see you later and you can tell me what Christian said.”

“I've still got all my actual work to do yet.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. He'd like to suggest that Sebastian came home after talking to his boss to take some time out but fat chance of that. Mark knew full well that as soon as he was done talking, Seb would be working away on the simulator with his engineer and back with Antti in the gym.

“Righto, well I hope it all goes fine.”

“Thanks, better go.”

 

Mark hung up and dropped back on the sofa, tipping his head to look up at the ceiling wondering if he'd done the right thing in encouraging Seb to go on pushing to race despite their collective fears. The dogs moved in and he gave them a rub, looking at Simba.

“Suppose I should be grateful he didn't forget my name.”

Mark huffed a laugh and closed his eyes tight. It was the least funny thing in the world. This was killing him and they hadn't even got to Seb actually racing yet.

It was still only half one in the afternoon. Mark calculated the time-difference and worked out that it was early enough to call his sister. Hopefully she'd buck him up a bit and then he'd go do some training himself to get rid of some of this nervous energy running through him. That should keep him busy enough to get him through until Seb came home.

  
  


 

  
  


Sebastian was sat in yet another office. It was a pretty familiar situation today.

“Okay, well Doc Phillips is still confident you'll be fine in the car,” noted Christian.

“Yeah. I think, maybe it's just a weird thing concussion can do. My other doc said I should alright, just...”

“You have concerns you might not remember something whilst driving?”

“Yeah, I mean I might just be worrying over nothing, but... Dr. Roberts, my doctor at the hospital, she said if it did happen it might just be a little detail and...”

“Okay, look no one seems to think it should prevent you driving and Dr. Phillips seems to think you may have no issues at all in practice.”

Seb nodded, knowing he might be digging himself into a hole over nothing. Christian tried to read his eyes. He wanted his driver back, but only if he could do the job. Seb had been fine at the track once he got going, maybe that was what they needed to do to get that old confidence back?

“So far you've been doing great and we both know you had no kind of problems like that the other day, in fact I have to tell you I was very impressed with everything you did and all the details you were working with, but if you are worried Seb, I think the best thing would be if we have a talk with your engineers and between us we work out a couple of fail-safes, just to be certain we're covered.”

He saw the relief in Sebastian's body-language opposite him and Christian wondered how it could be that his driver might imagine that they wouldn't do everything in their power to help him.

“Okay, thanks, I don't think it would be anything dramatic, just maybe a reminder on something. I mean there might be nothing, I might just be being paranoid.”

“Well if you had an incident at the weekend it's not paranoia Sebi. We'll work it out. As long as you're sure you want to do this?”

Sebastian felt more reassured by his boss's positivity. The more he thought about it, the more Seb felt that he really did have to press on just like he had thought before.

“Yeah, I'm sure.”

“Okay, well we'll be doing all we can to make this a success. You've got some time in the sim planned this afternoon?”

“Yeah then I'll be in the gym.”

“Great. Okay I'll come down with you now and we can work a few things out. Then I'm going to make some calls and set this in motion for Austin.”

“Okay.”

“Yes? You don't have to feel locked in to this.”

“No I'm sure. I just need to get going to get back into it all.”

“Good. Britta will want some time with you tomorrow and we can have another sit down to go over our plans.”

Sebastian nodded. So he was doing this. Call made. Now it was done it strangely felt like a relief. Time to get on with things.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


That evening Sebastian sat leant into Mark on the sofa after dinner. They'd talked things through again but now both of them were done with talking. Seb dropped his head on Mark's shoulder and Mark smiled at him.

“Done in?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Long day.”

“Yeah, I'll say.”

They settled back into watching the television until Seb's phone buzzed in his pocket and he shifted up a bit to check it.

 

LEWIS: Hey bud, how's it going? Heard you were lighting up Silverstone last week so I'm guessing things are looking good?

Sebastian smiled. Word got around pretty fast. He'd had a few texts from Lewis over the past weeks but he usually kept his replies fairly vague, just reassuring his friend that he was making progress and thanking him for his concern. It felt good to actually have positive news to send reply.

SEB: Yeah, team gave me a run out to see how I went. So I guess I'm going to be seeing you again before long.

 

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“I think the secret's out already.”

“Hm?”

“That was Lewis asking about me driving at Silverstone.”

“Ah, well I guess we'd better get used to the paddock grape-vine again.”

“Guess so.”

Seconds later Seb's phone burst into life and he made an apologetic gesture to Mark before getting up to go and answer it, walking through to the kitchen to talk.

 

“Hey Lewis.”

“Hey, wow, long time no speak. I'd ask how you're doing, but I guess it sounds like it's all good?”

“Um yeah, pretty much.”

“So you were doing some driving again? That has to be good,” noted Lewis.

“Yeah.”

“And it went alright?”

“Yeah, I mean it was a bit weird at first, but yeah good.”

Seb suddenly laughed.

“I guess I shouldn't be admitting that seeing as you're meant to be my rival.”

“Nah man, I'm just glad you're really doing better.”

“Thanks.”

“It's really good news.”

“Where did you hear about it?”

“Oh, not sure, it was sort of floating around Twitter. You know what it's like.”

“Right, course. I don't really do that stuff.”

“No, well anyway. It just said you'd been in the car, that's all. I saw it the other day and I've been meaning to get in touch.”

“Sure.”

“So anyway, I just wanted to say that's great. Good to know you're on the right path and you might be back before too long.”

“Yeah, um, sooner than you might think.”

“Oh?”

“Austin.”

“No way?”

Sebastian laughed at the surprise in his friend's voice.

“Way.”

Lewis laughed back.

“Wow, that's fast.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, no I mean it's great obviously. Guess you can't wait to come back then?”

“Yeah, I think I just have to get on with it. I had the FIA doing their tests on Friday so, yeah, just gotta give it a try now.”

“Sure. Wow man, that's really great. To be honest I wasn't sure if you'd be back before next season.”

“At least you thought I'd be back at all.”

“Of course I thought you'd be back.”

“Right.”

Sebastian paused, wondering how much to reveal to someone who was a competitor as well as a friend.

 

“You must have been kicking butt to get fit again,” commented Lewis.

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah you could say that. It's been pretty tough.”

“I'd imagine.”

Lewis thought back to how how serious the crash had been and how ill Sebastian had seemed when he had visited him in the hospital. It didn't seem very long ago.

“And you're really alright?”

“Well...”

“I'm asking as a friend you know,” Lewis reminded.

“Yeah course, sorry. Yeah it has been tough. Look, you won't go telling anyone about this?”

“Of course not.”

“I mean even that I'm going to be at the next race. I think the team want to manage the news a bit.”

“Sure. I won't be shooting my mouth off to anyone.”

“Okay. Sorry, I probably sound really paranoid.”

“No it's fine.”

Seb paused and let out a breath.

“It has been hard. I really shouldn't be telling you this seeing as I'm hopefully going to be lining up with you on the grid in a few days, but I don't know how I'm going to do.”

“Racing?”

Sebastian wasn't sure whether he ought to regret admitting that.

“Yeah.”

There was a pause as they both wondered what to say, then Lewis spoke up, trying to sound as positive as possible.

“I'm sure you'll be fine. I mean I guess it might be a bit strange to be back, but once the visor's down it's business as usual right?”

“Sure.”

“And you were fine when you had a go the other day?”

“Yeah.”

“So you'll be fine then.”

“Yeah, guess so. I'm gonna have to get used to being in the paddock again too. That'll be a bit strange seeing as I've been holed up in the countryside with Mark for the past two months.”

“Mm, well nothing's changed. Have you been watching the races?”

Sebastian smiled, wondering how many of them Lewis had won in the intervening weeks.

“No actually I've steered clear. Think it just would have been too weird you know?”

“Course.”

“Betting you've won one or two of them.”

Lewis smiled.

“Ah well yeah. Guess I had less competition didn't I?”

“Guess so,” Seb agreed.

 

Lewis thought Sebastian sounded a little quiet. He wondered how daunting it must be for Seb to come back after what had happened and whether it would make him feel worse to talk about that. He definitely didn't want to put his foot in it by mentioning anything to do with the crash.

“So when will you be out here?”

“Out here?”

“In America, for the race.”

“Oh, umm I'm sitting down to go over the plans tomorrow. Wednesday I presume. I take it you're already over.”

“I'm in L.A. right now.”

“Oh I see.”

“I've got this thing I'm going to Wednesday night, then I'm going to hop across first thing Thursday morning, it only takes a couple of hours from here.”

“Nice. Yeah suppose I'd better get used to sitting in airports again.”

“Mm, yeah...”

Lewis was busy thinking, wondering if there wasn't something he could finally do to give Seb a hand with his return to racing.

“Is Mark coming with you?” he asked.

“Hm? Oh yeah.” Seb smiled. “Don't think he'd cope very well sat at home watching.”

“No, guess not. Okay, so I've got an idea.”

  
  


 

A few minutes later Sebastian went back through into the lounge and sat down with Mark.

“Everything alright?” Mark checked.

“Yeah. He was just asking how it's going. Actually he's made us a really nice offer.”

“Hm?”

“How do you fancy travelling in style?”

Mark frowned and Sebastian smiled, feeling better to have something good to talk about.

“Lewis has offered to send his plane over to take us there,” Seb explained.

Mark sat up a little.

“You're kidding?”

“No.”

“You mean he's offering to pick us up and give us a lift?”

“Sort of, but he's already in America.”

Mark looked slightly amazed.

“He'd be sending it all the way back here for us?”

“Yeah. I mean I did say we couldn't ask that of him.”

“Well...”

“And that can't be cheap so I offered to pay costs but he wouldn't hear of it.”

“Blimey, that's very generous of him.”

“He said he's been wanting to do something to help for ages. So I couldn't really say no. I mean it would be nice not to have to deal with all the hassle at the airport for once wouldn't it?”

“I guess so.”

“Unless you don't want to?” checked Sebastian wondering if that was it.

“Hm? No, it's very generous. I'm not going to say no to a luxury private jet when it's on offer.”

Seb relaxed.

“It _is_ pretty nice.”

“Oh of course, I forgot you snuck on with him to get back from China,” Mark noted.

“Mm.”

Sebastian didn't want to think about the reason behind that.

“Okay, well, sure that sounds good,” agreed Mark, seeing the flash of remembrance of the time Sebastian had hitched a lift to rush back following his own minor crash back in the spring. He didn't want to spoil the mood.

“Yeah? I can talk to the team and sort it tomorrow, but he suggested going Wednesday morning. Time diff means we'd get there mid afternoon-ish I think, so we'd have plenty of time to settle in at the hotel ready for getting started.”

“That sounds great.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah really nice of him,” Mark agreed.

He supposed it was no great hardship to Lewis who could easily cover the costs with the money he earnt, but it was very thoughtful of him to try to make Seb's return to racing a little less stressful.

 

“Cool, okay well he needs to talk to his flight crew and sort all that out,” Seb added.

“So he's already in Austin?”

“Oh, no he's in L.A. but he's only planning on flying over early on Thursday. I think he's got some event he's going to ahead of it.”

Mark smiled.

“Very Hollywood.”

“Ah well you know, guess that's his thing. I don't suppose we'd much fancy it, but that's just Lewis.”

“Hey I'm not knocking it. Each to their own. If it makes Lewis happy, all power to him, and it is very kind of him.”

“Yeah, it is nice of him. Okay well I guess that's one less thing to have to deal with going into the weekend.”

“Exactly. Well, there you go. I didn't see that coming,” Mark admitted.

“Good though.”

“Yeah mate, very good.”

Sebastian slipped back to lie into Mark's side and Mark fitted his arm back around Seb.

“Does make it more real somehow,” Seb noted.

“Mm, spose so.

Seb was silent a moment so Mark gave him a squeeze.

“We'll be right, yeah?”

“Yeah. It's made me think, well I guess this morning too when we saw the nurses, Jude, Benjy, I mean that did feel good. It was nice to say thank you.”

“Uh-huh, well yeah, it was nice, I'm sure they appreciated it too.”

“Yeah that's what I mean, it's just I was thinking there's other thank yous I haven't done that I really should, I thought maybe I should at least send a card.”

“Who to?”

“The hospital in Monza, the doctors and nurses there, Dr. Roberts too maybe, I don't know, it feels like I should have done it sooner.”

“Okay.”

“You don't think it's stupid, just sending a card?”

Mark gave him a smile.

“No darling it's very thoughtful.”

“And there was that doctor on the train wasn't there?”

“There was, yeah it would be good to say thank you. I should do that one I think.”

“I can't remember what he was called,” Seb admitted.

“No, well before you get worried about that, neither can I,” Mark reassured. “He was from an A&E somewhere in London... Guys, I'll look him up.”

Seb nodded.

“Okay thanks.”

“It's a good idea,” Mark affirmed.

It felt as though they were tying up loose ends in order to move on. They might seem like little things, but doing them would help them feel better just as much as the recipients.

 

Sebastian settled back with a sense that he was going to be doing something right. He understood why Lewis had made the offer he had to help them; it was what Lewis could do. Seb could say thank you, so he would do that. It didn't really matter if the gesture was small or large as long as it helped in some way.

The picture the little girl had sent Seb to wish him well remained stuck to the door of their fridge in their kitchen and it made him smile every time he saw it. Sebastian had at least made sure he'd found a way to send a note saying how much he appreciated it in return via Britta who he knew had added in a few extras from RedBull. The idea that that an unexpected parcel had made that child happy had cheered Seb up no end when he had still been struggling to drag himself into the factory every day. It reminded him how the sport he loved wasn't just a job, but something that brought pleasure to so many others out there too. He'd been on the outside for long enough and despite all his fears, it did seem time to re-enter that world.

Seb huffed a little laugh as he looked up at Mark.

“I wish there was a way to say thank you to Pauline for all she does, I mean our families too, but Pauline's always there for us.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Maybe we should just tell her she _is_ family, that should do it.”

Seb nodded back. It felt true enough. He was fairly sure Pauline would want to dissuade him from going back racing just as much as his own mother did. Whether she would actually say it was another matter. Even though he knew that meant there was another person worrying about him, Seb couldn't help but be gratified about that. He could never have imagined so many different people caring about him.

Sebastian put his arm across Mark and pulled himself in close. All these people who had helped him, but none more so than Mark. His rock. Seb didn't use that analogy lightly. Mark was the foundation on which everything in his life was built now. No matter how scary all this seemed, if he had Mark with him it did at least seem possible. Still scary, but possible. It was real now, wheels in motion, no turning back. They just had to make the best of things.

  
  


 

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


The following day was filled with final arrangements, both for Seb at the factory and Mark himself who spent some time on the phone with Andreas, updating him with their situation and letting him know that he was at last in a position to return to fulfilling his duties with the team and would be at the race in Shanghai. His boss was too pleased to hear that Mark was back to worry about the fact that the arrangements were a little complicated by the fact Mark was coming out via America, but then that was a problem for logistics so he would leave that with them.

Seb himself ended up speaking to his boss about his return to racing, or more accurately, his boss's boss. Dietrich Mateschitz rang Sebastian's mobile directly whilst he sat talking with Britta and he had to excuse himself to speak with him. Seb suspected that Christian had filled him in on most, if not all the details, but Dietrich chose not to bring any of them up, concentrating instead on saying how happy he was that Seb was recovered enough to race again and wishing him well. Sebastian couldn't think of a whole lot to say in reply other than thanks and assuring him that he would working hard to make sure he was up to speed, hoping that was what he wanted to hear. Seb relaxed slightly when he heard Dietrich laugh.

“That is very good Sebastian, I have no doubts about your working hard. We will merely be glad at your return. I am sure that you will find your speed. I wish you safe running.”

“Thank you and thank you for all your support through this, the whole team they've been very supportive to help get me here.”

“Of course. This is how it should be. You have been getting well very fast, but then perhaps that should not surprise any of us.”

“Oh, well, um thanks. I'm very keen to get back.”

“That does not surprise me either. Good. I hope that it goes well. I'm sure it will. Please pass my regards to Mark and your family of course.”

“Yes I will, thank you Dietrich.”

“Well I should let you continue your preparations.”

Sebastian hung up and fitted the phone back in his pocket before walking back through into Britta's office.

“All okay?” she checked.

“Dietrich.”

“Ah. That's good then. Seal of approval. He have any useful words of assurance for you?”

“Oh, umm, well he just wished me luck.”

Seb felt as though he was the one who had been doing the assuring and not the other way around, but he did appreciate that his top boss had at least been positive.

“You're all set then.”

“Yeah, I suppose I am,” Sebastian agreed. He just had to get going now.

  
  


  
  


 

 

  
  


  
  


Before they knew it Mark and Sebastian were at the private airfield boarding Lewis' cherry-red private plane. You could spot it a mile off and it amused Mark to see how conspicuous it was. Definitely not their style, but then nothing about Lewis was shy and retiring so he supposed that was appropriate and Mark was reminded one ought not judge a book by its cover. Lewis had no reason to help out a rival like this other than pure friendship and no matter how different they were in character, Mark appreciated good in a person, even if Lewis could keep his wardrobe to himself.

Preliminaries out of the way they stepped on board and Mark grinned as they looked about themselves.

“Now this is flash. Proper F1 driver stuff,” he commented.

Sebastian smiled.

“Guess we should be drinking champagne all the way.”

“Mm, that would seem appropriate.”

“Can I get you some?” offered a voice behind them.

Seb and Mark turned around to see a uniformed member of the flight crew had finished stowing their belongings and returned to the small flight lounge area.

“Oh um, no thank you, sorry we were just joking,” explained Sebastian.

“Ah okay, well can I get you anything at all?”

“Just some water maybe?”

“No problem. Please make yourselves at home. The pilot is making his final checks and we should be ready shortly.”

 

The man disappeared beyond a curtain towards the flight-deck to fetch them some bottles of water and Sebastian and Mark looked about them once more. It certainly was luxurious; Wide comfortable reclining leather seats on either side of the area, another facing each one with fold-away table in-between, a large screen TV on the wall of the galley so they could watch a film and it seemed someone on hand to wait on them hand and foot should they so require.

Mark shrugged and gave Seb a smile.

“Where do you want to sit then?”

“Oh, um, wherever.”

They sat themselves opposite one another and waited while the flight attendant brought a couple of bottles of water and talked through how this all worked, going over the safety procedures and reminding them to ask for anything they wanted.

“Once we've taken off I'll let you know that you're okay to remove your seatbelts and then, well, whatever you like, I can get you some lunch or if you'd like a film on to pass the time?”

Seb and Mark smiled at one another, each thinking how strange this was.

“Umm, yeah a film would be nice I guess,” agreed Sebastian.

“Sure, no problem.”

They settled in through take-off and tried to adapt to the still odd feeling of being alone on a flight. The attendant left them once the film was on, disappearing behind the curtain, presumably to speak with the pilot and co-pilot who had introduced themselves before they boarded. His parting words had been 'give me a shout if you need anything' leaving both Seb and Mark thinking that they were pretty sure they wouldn't be doing that.

 

Seb switched to the seat on the other side of Mark so he was facing forward to watch the film but he wasn't really concentrating on it. He was thinking through the plans they had discussed at the factory yesterday. It was hard not to get nervous about it all. Seb wasn't sure which was worse; The getting down to driving on the track and finding out for sure if he really was going to be completely fine and not require any help from his engineers to prompt his memory; Or whether his long talk with Britta about handling the media was more forbidding. Despite all of Britta's reassurances and advice, Sebastian knew that the press would be all over him. Thank god Mark was here. Seb had no idea how he would manage this otherwise.

Sebastian looked over to Mark in the other chair across the narrow aisle between them. He suspected Mark wasn't paying all that much attention to the film either but they'd discussed all their worries long enough and Seb didn't think going over it again did them any good. It had been hard to leave the house this morning even though they'd done everything they could to keep things positive. They'd done their coffee run, taken the dogs for a quick walk, checked and double-checked they had everything they needed ready, despite the fact they had packed everything the day before. Even after all that they were still left with plenty of time before they had to leave at the very reasonable hour of half past ten in the morning without all the hanging around they usually had to do at airports.

Pauline had come to see them off on the pretext of going over their plans to look after the dogs and the house while they were gone but both Seb and Mark knew that she just wanted to say goodbye and wish them well. The length of time she gave with her hugs told them enough. Sebastian had promised her he would be fine. Every time he said it to his family, to the team, even to Mark, he tried to make himself believe it a little more, but Seb knew that he wouldn't really be convinced until he actually did it. He would be fine. He would. Probably.

 

Mark glanced over at Seb thinking he was quiet and wondering if that was his cue to ask if he was okay or to leave him be. Maybe Seb was concentrating on the film? Maybe it was just Mark's mind running on over-drive about this coming weekend? He left it a while, attempting to lose himself in the film plot and let that occupy his brain instead of the worries that stubbornly refused to go away no matter how many times he countered every potential problem with logic or his sister's pep-talk reassurances.

Bollocks to it. Maybe he should just get used to the fact that this weekend was going to be hell and accept it?

After perhaps another half an hour Mark cracked and looked over to Sebastian.

“You're very quiet.”

“Hm?”

Seb turned slightly to look back at him.

“You alright?”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Got a bit of a headache,” he confessed.

It had been slowly building for some time in spite of Seb's efforts to ignore it in the hope it would go away.

“Seb, why didn't you say?”

“I'm saying now.”

“Sorry.”

Sebastian sat up a little.

“I think it's the air-pressure.”

He saw the immediate concern on Mark's face and realised what that would remind him of.

“It's okay, it's not so bad.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah, I've got some paracetamol in my bag.”

Seb reached for his flight-bag and rummaged around in it to find some paracetamol, swallowing the pills down with some water. He looked back from this to see Mark still watching him.

“I'll be okay.”

“You don't feel dizzy or anything?” Mark checked, trying not to sound as anxious as he was.

“No, it's just a dull kinda fog.”

“Haven't you got your painkillers?”

“These _are_ painkillers.”

“Seb.”

“I brought them, okay, but I don't want to have to take them. They're too strong. I shouldn't have them in my system if I'm going to be racing.”

Sebastian could tell from the tension in Mark's jaw that he still wasn't happy.

“I'll be alright,” Seb assured.

Mark let out a frustrated breath and Seb didn't know what to say. Mark was still trying to push away ideas of what damaging effects air-pressure could have on Sebastian and neither of them were feeling too good.

“Just, tell me if you feel any worse okay?” pressed Mark.

“I'll be alright Mark,” repeated Sebastian, a note of annoyance creeping into his voice that Mark seemed to be harping on about it.

“I just... please sweetheart, you have to tell me if anything's wrong.”

“I've told you I will.”

“Not just now, the whole weekend.”

“Mark I've promised you a thousand times already.”

Mark let out an uneven breath, not wanting things to spiral.

“I don't want to fight about this.”

“Neither do I,” agreed Seb, taking in a deep sigh of air to settle himself.

He saw the way Mark hand gripped the arm-rest of his chair. Mark was worried, filled to the brim with worrying. It wasn't fair to punish him for admitting it.

“I'm sorry. I'm all... I don't know, sorry, I think my head's making me bad-tempered,” Seb confessed.

 

Mark tipped his head to the side feeling bad for making things worse when Seb felt unwell. He reached his hand over the gap across the little aisle and Sebastian took it to let him give his hand a squeeze.

“I'm sorry too.”

Sebastian tried to lean a little further over, wishing these seats were placed together.

“I know how worried you are about everything.”

“Yeah,” sighed Mark. “I don't want to make you crazy with it though.”

“I promise I'll tell you the truth Liebling, I promise if it's anything really serious I'll say.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay.”

“We knew flying might be a bit like this. It's just a headache. I'll feel better once the paracetamol works.”

“Maybe have a sleep?”

“Yeah maybe.”

Mark rubbed his thumb over Seb's hand in his.

“These chairs are too far apart,” Mark complained.

Sebastian looked across, glad more than anything that Mark was smiling at him again.

“Yeah,” sighed Seb.

“You wanna sit with me?” offered Mark.

“Hm?”

Mark indicated with his head towards himself and Sebastian gave him a little smile back.

“Will we fit?”

“We always fit.”

Seb nodded, thinking that was true; They invariably seemed to find a way of curling up together, no matter how little room there was. Mark gave Seb's hand a slight pull and Sebastian got up to cross over. They found a way to squash in together on the wide reclining chair, setting it back a bit and shuffling about until Seb lay on his side, slotted in by Mark with just enough room for it not to be uncomfortable. Mark fitted his arm around him to hold him in place and Seb settled in resting his head just below Mark's shoulder.

“That better?” asked Mark.

“Mmm, you make me feel better,” Seb agreed.

Sebastian stroked his hand over Mark's chest, comforting himself and trying to persuade his headache to go away by breathing Mark in. He could catch his familiar scent all the way through the hoody he was wearing. Seb rubbed his cheek against the soft fabric and took a deep breath.

“Just have a little rest darling.”

“Mmm. I'm sorry I'm being moody.”

Mark smiled and kissed his forehead.

“You're not moody, you're headachy. I was just stressing, I know it doesn't help.”

Seb moved his thumb back and forth over Mark's pec, he could still feel it nicely through the layers of clothing. Seb let out a sigh.

“I wish I could stop you worrying.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I wish I could too. I'll be okay.”

“Yeah.”

“We'll be okay,” Mark reassured.

They had to be, nothing else was an option.

Mark reached his other arm around to wrap Seb up properly. He kissed Seb's head again wishing that could somehow magically make everything okay.

“Just have a rest,” coaxed Mark.

Sebastian gave a tiny nod and closed his eyes, already feeling a little better to be like this. He took a few more deep breaths in, filling his brain with as much oxygen and the smell of Mark as he could before his breathing gradually slowed as the drugs filtered into his system and Seb relaxed.

Mark watched as Sebastian fell asleep, his chest rising and falling in a slow steady rhythm. Seb's body was limp but molded perfectly to his as always. Mark could think of few things more reassuring than this; feeling Seb sleeping with him, warm and safe. Seb didn't feel headaches in his sleep, he didn't have worries or fears. Mark wanted to keep him like this forever but he knew he couldn't. Mark took a deep breath in and let it out, watching the way Sebastian's body rose and fell as he lay positioned partly over his chest. A voice in Mark's head was screaming;  _'N_ _ever, never, never let him go,_ _'_ but he knew that wasn't possible.

Mark rested his cheek down by the top of Sebastian's head and closed his eyes hoping to join him in the refuge from all their worries he had found, slowing his breathing to fall in time with Seb, shutting out everything but how nice this felt. Within a few minutes Mark was as fast asleep as Sebastian was.

The film played out unwatched.

 

A little while later the flight attendant came through from chatting with his colleagues on the flight-deck, mostly about the latest failures in the co-pilot's love life yet again, to see if their passengers wanted any lunch. He drew back the little curtain to reveal the view; Seb and Mark curled up together fast asleep. He smiled to himself thinking that he was more used to seeing Lewis with his headphones on, petting the dogs. This was a somewhat different scene and he was pretty sure that they weren't about to tweet out a photograph of it like that seat's usual occupant tended to. Lunch seemed to be off the agenda so he pulled the curtain back across and left them to it. Given that there was another eight hours left to cross the Atlantic he suspected he might need to dig out a book to keep himself occupied. It didn't look as though anyone but the two of them was wanted in there.

  
  


  
  


 

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A transitional chapter really, almost literally seeing as it involves a journey. So here they go...


	97. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right then folks, hold on to your hats. We've touched down in Austin. Here goes...

 

* * *

 

 

 

Britta walked ahead of Mark and Sebastian as they walked towards the paddock security gates. It felt as though she was going to be acting as some kind of American footballer, busting the opposition out of the way as they went, which was oddly appropriate given their location. She had collected them from their room at the hotel and accompanied them in the car. Both Seb and Mark knew that she was doing her best to make sure that they were looked after. They hadn't exchanged many words during that short journey but Britta had glanced back from her place in the front passenger seat to see in the rear-view mirror that they were holding hands. They were still holding hands now and Mark had no intention of letting go until he absolutely had to.

Just as they had feared, the minute they swiped their passes and entered the main F1 paddock they were spotted. First one person, than another, looked to see the driver they had been anticipating arriving ever since the team's press release the night before had confirmed Seb's return. Camera flashes popped in front of their eyes but they pressed on, trying to ignore the intrusion and pretend they were simply walking along like anyone else. They resisted the urge to put up a hand in front of their eyes as the bright lights attempted to blind them, knowing how that would look in cold print. Mark gripped Sebastian's hand ever tighter and kept them walking along. He wanted to put his arm around him, wanted to protect Seb and let him feel safe from the circling sharks, but Mark knew he couldn't do that. The image would make Sebastian appear weak and they couldn't afford to let them smell blood.

There were already a few shouted questions, but Sebastian wasn't about to answer them, not in this setting. Britta had already laid the ground-rules and Seb knew he had to follow them to help her try to maintain some level of control over all this. As she had repeated more than once; Don't encourage them, only give them what you are prepared to give, don't let them rattle you. She had promised interviews to those she felt she could trust to behave responsibly and Britta had every intention of making sure those who failed to adhere to those standards were made aware of the reason they were missing out on the exclusives they longed for.

They forged on, not speaking until they reached and passed the doors of the RedBull base for the weekend, waiting till the doors slammed shut behind them until all three let out visible sighs of relief. Seb and Mark looked at one another, both thinking that this was exactly as bad as they had feared and they had only just arrived.

 

“It'll calm down,” promised Britta. “They're just over-excited to get the first pictures of you returning. Mob mentality. They'll be alright once we get into an organised setting, okay?”

Seb nodded.

“Sure. I, um, I think we'll just get settled if that's alright?”

“Of course. If you want to take ten minutes or so then I think Christian wants a word and then we'll head down to the garage for a catch-up with the team, then we've got a couple of interviews scheduled, then lunch, then you've got the FIA panel, then a huddle and then more time in the garage to prep and then... well, then I think that's about it for now,” she rattled off, despite having gone through the schedule more than once with Seb.

“That sounds more than plenty,” noted Mark darkly.

Sebastian smiled at the way Mark said that, rubbing his thumb over Mark's hand in his that neither had been inclined to let go.

“Okay, that's fine. See you in a bit.”

 

They shot off to find Sebastian's room and shut the door behind them, letting out more sighs, each shaking their heads at the madness of it all. Mark gave Seb a hug, knowing it would help them both feel better. Letting go they went to sit on Seb's little bed. Sebastian sitting back and shrugging.

“It's as if I was never gone.”

“Hmm.”

Seb reached over and rested his hand on Mark's thigh.

“I'll be alright Liebling.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Britta'll keep a handle on things.”

Mark perked himself up to try to keep things in a good mood.

“Yeah, course she will. It's fine,” he agreed.

He gave Sebastian a smile and thought to himself that it had better be, because if anyone in the media over-stepped the line today there was a very real danger that Mark might just lose the plot them and that wasn't the kind of publicity the team were hoping for this weekend.

With no need to do anything like change his clothes seeing as he was already in his RedBull kit, Seb simply sat quietly with Mark for a few minutes, taking a bit of time to re-adjust to being here. There was a knock on the door and he called out for the person to come in, expecting it to be Britta only for the lanky figure of his team-mate to fill the doorway.

“Hey, well isn't this nice to see?” greeted Dan.

A smile spread over Sebastian's face and he stood to receive the back-slapping hug Daniel offered.

“Hey Dan, good to see you.”

“Likewise. It's like you were never gone.”

“That's just what we said,” laughed Mark, receiving a matching hug from his compatriot.

“You all set then?” enquired Daniel.

Seb shrugged.

“Guess so. Think I've got a pretty busy day ahead.”

“You and me both,” noted Daniel. “I think the team are farming me out all over the place today.”

“Mm, I'm gonna have interviews the whole day too I think,” agreed Seb.

Daniel laughed.

“Yeah mate, but I'm going to be spending it with a bunch of people who all wish they were talking to _you_.”

Seb pulled a face.

“I'm sure that's not true.”

Mark coughed a laugh and patted Dan on the arm.

“I think for once it might be.”

Daniel smiled his usual wide smile, clearly not really minding all that much.

“Yep, those that are stuck with me are going to spend the entire time asking me about you. I don't know if my ego can take it.”

Mark shook his head.

“Not sure you're that fragile mate.”

“Yeah well, maybe not, anyway I just wanted to stop by. I'm off to the garage. You guys coming?”

“Oh um I think Christian wants a word with me here, then we'll catch you up,” explained Seb.

“Ah, rightio. See you in a bit then.”

 

Daniel left them to it and they paused just to give themselves another moment for Seb to prepare himself before going downstairs as he was still picking himself back up after the slight shock to the system that arriving here had just been. They'd been in their bubble until now as much as possible. Once arrived they'd met with Christian and Britta who had arranged for Seb to be checked over by the FIA doctors at the hotel rather than trekking down here yesterday evening so he could get the final authorisation to race. Seb hadn't mentioned his headache on the flight but then it had mostly cleared up once he'd had a decent sleep and he justified to himself that the officials hadn't actually asked him any questions relating to that, so he hadn't lied to them. Seb wondered whether he might have felt more guilty about that if Mark had been in the room with him at the time, but he hadn't and it was done now so he put it to one side to prepare himself for the challenge ahead.

That bit of business completed they had retreated to their hotel room and shut themselves off, only opening the door for room-service and doing everything they could to make themselves feel better, which as usual really only required each other.

 

Now things were really getting started, Sebastian knew he just had to get on with things. He went off to see his boss for a quick recap and pep-talk to set him up for the weekend while Mark waited in the hospitality area, readying himself for a fair bit of this in the coming days. Once Seb returned, Britta in tow, they steeled themselves to venture back out into the paddock to walk the thankfully short distance to the rear entrance of the garage.

Seb spent a bit of time talking to the engineers about a few specifics they were working on already while Mark hung back, speaking with Britta and Daniel in turn, trying to blend into the background while he let Seb get on with things. Mark was confident that Sebastian didn't actually need him here for this. What he needed Mark for was the journey back and forth. Short as it was crossing the paddock, Mark didn't feel comfortable leaving Seb to face that alone or even with Britta, not just yet anyway.

Seb wandered off to chat with the mechanics around the car, cheering himself up immediately when one of the guys rolled out from underneath his car and casually had a conversation with him whilst still lying on the little trolley. Seb joked that he was worried he could see up his shorts from that position and Steve clocked Mark watching them, commenting that he didn't think 'someone' would be too impressed with him if he did that.

Mark was pleased to see the way Sebastian's body-language was relaxing. He was glad that the garage was a haven, not a place that made Sebastian more stressed. They could handle the media as long as this aspect was going to go okay. He chatted to one of his own old mechanics who came over and finally let himself stop supervising Seb quite so intensely, Mark failing to realise that his own body-language had relaxed in turn making him look more approachable to the guys in here.

 

Seb was leaning over the edge of the raised up car, chatting to Mike who was actually sat in it while the others worked around the car. He grinned and peered in to the cockpit.

“Mike you're not stretching this seat are you?”

“Stretching it?”

“Hm, I mean it's meant to be custom-fitted to me.”

Mike feigned innocence as to what Sebastian was referring to, looking at him with deliberate blankness before one of the other mechanics stood on the other side to Seb tapped his colleague on the shoulder.

“He's saying you eat the pies he's denied,” the mechanic grinned.

“I wouldn't dream of it,” denied Seb with a smile. “Now then, you gonna show me what you're doing here?”

They returned themselves to a professional setting and got down to business. Mark glancing over once again, happy to see it.

 

By the time they left the garage both of them were feeling rather more confidence. As they crossed back over to the RedBull base there were still people about. Some were simply other personnel going about their business, a few were early visitors to the exclusive area ahead of the masses due when the running started on track. The media were still around though, their numbers a little thinned from the first flurry of excitement, fewer questions called as they were learning they were wasting their breath, but several more pictures were taken and both Sebastian and Mark knew they were just going to have to harden themselves to this again. They just had to tell themselves that these guys were doing their job, fulfilling the curiosity of the waiting world who wanted to see Sebastian after his accident. There was no point wasting energy getting too upset about it, even if it did make them feel slightly like gazelles being hunted across the Serengeti.

Seb deposited Mark back in hospitality to drink his very drawn-out coffees and went off to the first of his interviews with a reminder that he really was fine with Mark going off to find Fernando for a chat if he was free.

“You're sure?”

“Yes of course. I've got like three in a row here. I want to get them out of the way, then we can chill out for a bit with lunch.”

“Okay, yeah maybe I'll just send him a text... as long as...”

“I'm fine Liebling,” interrupted Seb, “you'll go crazy staring at these four walls all weekend. Go see Nando.”

Mark rolled his eyes.

“He hates being called Nando.”

Seb grinned.

“I know.”

Mark shook his head, but he was smiling.

“Right, I'm off. No idea how long I'll really be,” parted Sebastian.

“No problem.”

“I'm hoping these guys will come up with something better than, _'How does it feel to be back?_ '” smiled Seb, thinking of the only question he seemed to have picked up from those shouted outside half a dozen times already.

“You'd hope.”

“Later then.”

“Later.”

Mark watched Seb walk away accompanied by Britta, thinking that at least these interviews were all taking pace within the confines of the RedBull base. Okay, there was no point driving himself mad worrying about things. Mark pulled out his phone to text Fernando to see if he was free, only slightly tempted to call him 'Nando'.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian walked into the room set up for the series of interviews on the upper level of the RedBull base, comfortable chairs, plenty of room, a nice big window with views towards the track. A pleasant environment. Britta knew her stuff. All the people he was due to see were definitely in the 'tame' category and Sebastian was certain that Britta would have discussed matters with them before agreeing to grant them this privilege so he wasn't expecting any outrageous ambushes, but he was having to build up to talking about himself again. It had been a while.

“Okay, so this all look alright to you Seb?” checked Britta.

“Oh um, yeah very nice.”

“There's water but if you want anything else?”

“No I'm good.”

“Okay, so just remember what we talked about, yeah?”

“Yep, sure. I think... yeah I mean I'm just going to be honest.”

Britta gave him a smile.

“Always the easiest thing to remember,” she agreed.

Sebastian picked up a bottle and cracked the seal to take a drink.

“They've been warned to tread carefully, okay? So if they ask anything you're uncomfortable with, just say you'd rather not get into that and it'll be fine.”

“Okay.”

“None of these guys are out to get you,” reminded Britta, reading the tension in him.

Sebastian nodded and went over to look out of the window, so she left off. Sebastian stared out at the immaculate blue sky, thinking how nice the weather was here, far warmer than back home. He worked on keeping himself calm. This was fine, he was just going to tell it like it was and not stress out about it. Britta was doing all she could. He knew that the team normally went to town promoting themselves when they came to Austin and they weren't asking him to do any of that promotional work this year. He was grateful for it. This was more than enough to cope with just now.

There was a noise and Seb turned around to see the first media team arrive. Okay, it was time; Smile, listen, talk. No need to get worked up about something he'd done a thousand times before.

 

Sebastian sat himself down opposite Will Buxton who had greeted him with what Seb had to admit seemed genuine enthusiasm and happiness to see him. Will was alright. He could do this.

“Okay, Seb all set?” prompted Britta.

“Yep, all good.”

“Will?”

“Yes, thank you.”

The interviewer gave the nod to his cameraman and Britta made sure she was out of shot. Sebastian hid the deep breath he took as Will smiled warmly at him, knowing the camera was rolling.

“Seb, I know I speak on behalf of all our viewers when I say welcome back,” began Will.

Seb smiled in reply.

“Thanks. It's good to be back.”

“I'm glad to hear it and very glad to see you looking so well. So, how does it feel to be here?”

Sebastian's smile didn't flicker but inside his head he rolled his eyes thinking, 'oh god, here we go.'

 

 

 

Mark walked along the paddock knowing that the cap he had pulled down low over his eyes did precisely nothing to disguise his identity. His tall spare frame was far too well known and attracted inevitable attention as he exited the RedBull base, but once they saw he was alone they were less interested and Mark was allowed on his way.

He pushed open the doors at McLaren and stepped inside feeling very much the interloper, but as he looked to the side he saw his friend wave from a small table and immediately relaxed as he waved back. Mark walked over and Fernando stood to greet him with an enveloping embrace.

“My friend, it is good to see you, so very good.”

Mark smiled.

“Thanks mate, you too.”

They sat down and Mark could tell that Fernando was looking at him, trying to judge how he was.

“I got you a coffee,” noted Fernando,”I'm afraid I do not have very much time, I wish I did.”

“Oh no that's fine, I know you're busy,” allowed Mark. “I just wanted to check in, say hi.”

Fernando nodded, still examining him.

“And how are you?”

Mark shrugged.

“Fine, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Mm. How are you?”

“I am well thank you. How is Seb?”

Mark paused and took a drink of the waiting coffee.

“He's fine.”

Fernando could tell Mark was holding himself in.

“Mark?”

“He's fine. He wouldn't be back otherwise would he?”

Fernando was surprised by his friend's defensiveness.

“Mark I am asking as a friend.”

“You're my friend, not Seb's.”

Fernando was taken aback.

“I was asking as a fellow human being. I do not intend to use it against him on the track.”

Mark took a deep breath and it shook back out of him, the stress of the morning catching up with him.

“Mark?”

“Sorry. That was really rude of me. I didn't mean... I'm sorry Fernando. I know you meant well.”

Fernando sat further forwards so he could speak quietly.

“Mark are you really okay?”

Mark took another shaky breath and looked him in the eye.

“I have _no_ _idea_ how I'm meant to get through this weekend,” he confessed.

Fernando reached out his hand and placed it on Mark's forearm.

“Why don't we go sit in my room?”

“I thought you were in a rush.”

“I have time, come upstairs.”

 

Once in Fernando's room Mark sat heavily on the little bed and puffed out a breath while his friend sat beside him.

Fernando waited for him to speak. He had sent his friend any number of messages over the past two months, gaining only a few in return. He wasn't offended. He knew Mark's priority was Sebastian as it had to be. They had spoken on the phone only once and that fairly briefly. Just enough for Fernando to wish them well and Mark to say that things were slowly getting better. It hadn't really told him very much.

“It has been hard?”

“Yeah mate.”

Mark leaned further back to rest on the thin wall.

“In all honesty it's been a complete fucking nightmare.”

Fernando nodded, wondering what to say.

“Look, I'm sorry I bit your head off down there, but you're Seb's rival and I really don't know what I should be saying,” continued Mark.

Fernando gave him what he hoped was a firm but reassuring look.

“Mark I have always said that Seb is my rival only on track. I have no problem with him off it. I have never wished him ill and I have no intention of using anything you tell me against him. I would not do that.”

“No I know. It's just... hard.”

“Yes. I am sure it must have been a very difficult time for you.”

“Mm.”

“Seb must have worked very hard to return here. We have all been concerned for him, for you both. I mean that Mark.”

“Of course, sorry, I know.”

“It could have happened to any one of us.”

“Yeah. I know you came to the hospital in Monza. I'm sorry I didn't speak to you.”

Mark had already texted him regarding this and Fernando had told him he had not expected to see him, but it seemed this needed repeating.

“Mark of course not. I was not there for that. In truth I do not really know why we went when we knew there was nothing we could do. I think perhaps we went _because_ there was nothing else we could do.”

Mark nodded.

“Thank you.”

“I cannot imagine how that was for you.”

Mark's mind had fallen back there and he found himself letting it out in an uneven voice.

“I really thought he might die. He did die. On the track, when they pulled him out... _fuck_.”

Mark took a sharp breath in as it suddenly overwhelmed him. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard trying to compose himself. Fernando's hand was on his arm, waiting to see if he was okay.

“I will just get you some water,” he offered.

Fernando went over to the little fridge in the corner and fetched them both small bottles of water, letting Mark take a moment.

“Sorry.”

“You have no need to be sorry.”

“It's going to be very hard to watch him get back in the car,” Mark admitted.

Fernando nodded.

“You have not driven yourself since,” he noted.

“Hm?”

“You have not been racing.”

“Oh. No. Well I had to take care of him.”

Mark said it as if it was a matter of course and Fernando tried to reconcile the idea of giving up his racing for someone that he loved. He didn't think he had ever been in that position and wondered if he ever _could_ do that for someone. He knew how much racing was in Mark's blood. It meant a lot that he could put it on hold.

 

“It was bad then? Even after?”

Mark looked at him and nodded grimly. He couldn't go into it despite all Fernando's assurances. It felt as though he would be giving away Seb's secrets.

Fernando nodded solemnly back.

“He has done well to get back.”

“Yeah he has mate, he's worked his nuts off.”

Fernando burst out laughing and Mark managed a softer echo of it.

“You have a way of putting things my friend.”

Mark smiled.

“Ah well, yeah.” He pushed out a breath. “He has worked incredibly hard.”

“It is the fighting spirit.”

“Yeah, guess so.”

“And I am sure that means he will be fine this weekend.”

“Mm.”

“And you will too Mark.”

“Yeah?”

“Si.”

Mark nodded and took another drink of his water.

“You must both be strong,” stated Fernando.

Mark wasn't quite sure whether he meant to have got here or to get through this weekend.

“I suppose. I just need it to go okay you know, just get through it.”

Fernando nodded.

“To be honest I'm not sure that next weekend isn't going to be worse,” admitted Mark.

“Oh?”

“Well Seb goes on to the next one and I'm off to China for my own race,” Mark explained.

“Ah, si, I had not realised.”

“It's going to be the longest we've been apart since...” Mark puffed a breath as he worked it out, “god since I think when Seb was in China in the spring, back before everything kicked off.”

“It will be difficult to be apart?”

Mark gave him a wry smile.

“Mate, it's difficult for me to be in a different room to Seb.”

Mark missed Seb even while he was off doing his interviews and he came here. He didn't know how they were meant to cope being on opposite sides of the world for nearly a whole week.

 

Fernando raised his eyebrows, then merely nodded again, trying to hide his wonder at such a revelation. It was a side to his friend that he had never known even existed. How impossible it seemed to think that Mark and Sebastian had ever been anything else but what they were now. He would never truly understand it, but Mark did, and Fernando knew his friend had changed irrevocably. Once apon a time Mark would never had confessed such a thing. He sounded strangely proud of it.

“I am sure it is the same for him,” Fernando guessed.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah next weekend's gonna be rough. You will keep an eye on him for me won't you?”

Fernando smiled and raised one eye-brow, thinking of the phrase his friend had used before.

“I am to babysit again?”

Mark smiled back, knowing that was Seb's phrase for when he had asked Fernando to stick by Sebastian when he'd been in difficulty before. It only applied to keeping a general view and making sure that Seb wasn't in trouble during things such as the drivers' briefing, but it meant a lot to Mark that his friend was prepared to do that.

“Well, perhaps I shouldn't put it that way, but yeah mate, it'd be a load off, just, you know...”

Fernando nodded.

“I will keep an eye as you say. I am sure that Sebastian will be alright. As will you. It is only one week, then you will be home again and I have no doubt all the more glad to see each other.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah mate, I think we'll be pretty happy about that.”

“Si, I am sure.”

Mark caught Fernando surreptitiously glancing at the time.

“You've got to get on, I know.”

“I am sorry.”

“It's fine. I know how it is. Thanks for seeing me.”

“I am very glad to have done so. You have been in my thoughts all this time.”

They stood and Fernando gave Mark another hug.

“I am sure Sebastian will be fine this weekend.”

Mark nodded.

“And you also.”

“Yeah. Yeah mate, just got to get to the other side.”

“You will.”

“Thanks. I'll see you around.”

“Si. Pass my good wishes to Sebastian.”

Mark smiled.

“You can do it yourself when you see him.”

“I suppose I can. Very good. Take care then Mark. I am glad that you are both back. I have missed you.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah mate, missed you too. Good luck this weekend.”

Fernando gave him an acknowledging nod and with that Mark left to go spend more time hanging around waiting on Seb.

 

 

 

Sebastian sat opposite his last interviewer of the morning. He was already looking forward to lunch. The SkyF1 team were faffing about setting up and he'd used the time to nip out to the loo having consumed far too much water due to the way he used taking a drink as a prop when he was nervous or uncomfortable or needed a moment to think of an answer or to find a way to avoid answering something. One last one to go, Seb could see the finishing line ahead.

Sebastian smiled over before the cameras started filming.

“How are you Martin?”

“Me? I'm good thank you.”

“Got anything big lined up for the weekend?”

Martin looked over, not wanting to say that _this_ was the big interview for the weekend. Their producers had been desperate to get this and they would have been prepared to agree to pretty much whatever RedBull had asked of them in order to secure it. He guessed that Britta had selected him on the basis that as a fellow former driver he might have a little more empathy with Sebastian and Martin hoped that Seb in turn might be prepared to open up to someone who at least had some understanding of where he was coming from.

“We'll be pretty busy as ever. Austin is always a fun one.”

“Mm,” nodded Seb.

“Good track, great city,” added Martin, trying to make conversation whilst thinking how this weekend might not entirely constitute 'fun' to Sebastian.

 

“Okay we're good to go,” reported the cameraman.

“Great. Seb?” checked Martin.

“Sure.”

Sebastian made sure he had a water bottle in easy reach and he was sat in a comfortable position. He glanced at Britta who gave him an encouraging nod and they made ready to begin.

 

Martin gave him an introductory smile.

“Seb, very good to see you.”

“Thanks, good to see you too Martin.”

“Thank you. So, how does it feel to be back?”

Sebastian made sure he didn't catch Britta's eye. On it went.

 

“It's good thanks. It's like I was never gone.”

“Really?”

“Well, all this; Interviews, media, the paddock... Yeah, pretty much.”

Martin nodded, glad to see that Sebastian did seem his old self, pretty much anyway. He did look perhaps a little slighter, a little paler. There was, if you looked closely as Martin was now, _something_ about Seb's eyes that bespoke a change in him, but it was very hard to put your finger on.

“It must have been strange I suppose to have been away?” guessed Martin.

“Mm, I suppose.”

Seb took a sip of water.

“To be honest I'm not sure strange really covers it.”

Martin nodded.

“It's always difficult to deal with the aftermath of serious, potentially life-changing, incidents on track,” Martin suggested.

“Mm, well you've had some pretty big ones in your time,” Seb recalled.

“Yes indeed.”

“And in a time when safety was far less than today.”

“That's certainly true. In my day the consequences were pretty sharply divided by luck more than anything.”

“I consider myself extremely lucky,” noted Sebastian.

“I'm sure. There are plenty of us about the paddock who can count themselves in that fraternity.”

Sebastian nodded. It was a club he would have been quite happy never to have joined.

 

Martin continued; “Back in my day it was either, well, very bad news or you jumped into the spare car and raced on regardless. I climbed out of a wreck at Monaco in eighty-four and was all set to carry on racing until my team-boss realised I didn't know which way the track ran any more.”

Sebastian smiled as he appreciated what that signified.

“You had concussion,” Seb recognised.

“Yes. I suppose you know a thing or two about that?”

“I know more now than I ever wanted to know,” agreed Seb.

There was a pause while Martin considered where to go with that. He knew what people wanted to find out more about.

“Are you able to talk about that?”

“Hm?”

“The consequences of your accident in Monza?” asked Martin tentatively.

Sebastian glanced over to Britta. The other interviewers had all found a way to get into this topic as he knew they would. He couldn't avoid it altogether so Seb had given in a little, finding it a bit easier to discuss as the morning went on.

Sebastian took in a breath and puffed it out.

“I'm not sure I know where to start.”

Martin wasn't quite sure either. He knew if he pushed too hard Seb would clam up and he'd be getting nothing out of this.

“Well, can you take us through how it has been? Did you know how serious your accident had been when you woke up in hospital?”

Sebastian huffed out a dry little laugh.

“I couldn't tell you.”

“Sorry?”

Sebastian gave him a shrug.

“I mean I literally can't. I have no memory of that time.”

“Oh.”

“Mm,” nodded Sebastian. “Severe concussion means I don't remember any of that I'm afraid.”

“I see. I presume, well, can I ask what you _do_ remember if that's not too personal?”

 

It _was_ pretty personal, but Seb knew he was going to get this question countless times so he might as well get used to giving what he could.

“I remember being at home the Sunday before.”

“The Sunday before Monza?”

“Yes. And after, well, it's...” Seb shrugged, trying to put the vagueness into words,”it's all a bit hazy. I don't really remember being in the hospital in Italy, I don't have much until we get to being in the hospital in England. I remember waking up there.”

“You don't remember anything of the race itself?” checked Martin, not wishing to be too direct and ask Seb if he remembered the crash.

“Nope, nothing around then.”

“That must be unnerving to be missing so much?”

“I think perhaps it's for the best really,” allowed Seb in an even voice.

Martin nodded. There were some of his own crashes and aftermaths he would happily forget.

“No doubt. I imagine it was a very difficult time for your family?”

Sebastian nodded, his expression carefully neutral, but Martin saw it there; a weight, a knowledge, an understanding that he didn't think he had seen in Seb before.

 

“Yes. My family have been incredible. There's no way I'd be sat here now without their support. I know what happened was very difficult to go through for them, far worse than for me probably.”

“It usually is in such cases. I'm presuming when you mention your family that you are including Mark.”

“Of course.”

Martin nodded. Sebastian said it as if it was unquestionable, which he supposed it was. Martin had heard that Mark had put his own racing career on hold to be with Sebastian, not just while he was in hospital, but ever since. That indicated far more than the team's press releases ever hinted at regarding how badly affected by this Seb had been. Martin suspected that they barely scraped the surface.

“He's here this weekend,” noted Martin, knowing that Mark had been seen around the place already.

“Of course. Yes. Like I say, I wouldn't be here without the support I've had.”

“I'm sure. It's often a long road to recovery after a serious accident, psychologically as well as physically.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Well yes, I mean that's pretty much exactly it.”

“What do you mean?” pressed Martin, hoping for clarification.

Seb paused, then thought; _'Fuck it, all in. It's the only way to explain it.'_

 

“My injuries from the crash; I had some that were obviously physical, bruising mostly, not nice, but they came from the seatbelts, so in a strange way that's good because they worked. In fact everything about my car worked great in terms of safety. You mentioned crashes from your day and I know that the crash I had, well if I'd had it twenty, thirty years ago, I wouldn't be here at all, and I'm of course hugely grateful for those safety developments because they saved my life; The doctors, marshals, track changes, the cars and everything, but all the safety developments in the world can't get past the basic fact I had a very high-speed crash and the human body isn't designed to stop that fast.”

“And that's why you were so badly injured.”

“Yes, that's what I'm told anyway, I've spent more time with more doctors in the past two months than I ever expected to in my life and they're way smarter than me, so yes that's what they tell me.”

“It sounds about right.”

“Yes, so if you want to know what happened I'm sure you'd be better off asking an actual expert.”

Martin nodded, they'd had several experts on their programming to explain to their viewers what had happened to Sebastian after the crash but it seemed wrong to point that out now.

“So anyway, the main problem for me was that it doesn't really matter how well-designed your car and helmet and everything else is, if you go from I think it was roughly 350kph to 0kph in a few seconds, that's not going to end well. My head was perfectly protected on the outside, but inside's a different matter.”

“So that's why you had such a serious concussion.”

“Exactly.”

Martin considered mentioning the cardiac-arrest, but decided to leave that unless Sebastian was the one to bring it up. Better to stick to what Seb seemed reasonably comfortable discussing.

 

“Apart from memory loss, what other effects did it have on you?”

Sebastian took a deep breath and puffed it out.

“The usual as I understand it; Severe migraines, dizziness, nausea, disorientation. To be honest I think half the reason I don't remember anything from Italy is they had to keep me pretty much doped up to the eye-balls the entire time. I'm sure Mark could tell you better than me, because as I say, thankfully that's been mostly wiped out for me, but I think it was quite bad back then.”

“You were kept in intensive care for a while.”

“Yeah.”

Seb tried to think for a moment; a darkened room, flashing lights, wires, tubes, doctors, _fear_. Something gripped at Seb and he had to remind himself that time also had his family there, his parents, Mark. They'd looked after him.

Pushing that away Sebastian gave a little dismissive shrug.

“Like I say, I wasn't really with it then, so I can't tell you much.”

Martin had seen a flash of something unsettled in Sebastian's eyes just then. He wondered if it would show on camera and suspected not. Some things you really had to be up close to see. He felt bad for leaning on a subject that must be distressing for him, even if Sebastian said he couldn't remember it, so Martin tried to bring things round.

“I'm sure it must have been a relief to finally come home.”

“Yeah, you've no idea.”

“I presume things had improved for you to be allowed out of the hospital?”

“Mm.”

“Although not right away, of course. I'm sure you still had a lot to deal with.”

Seb wanted to shake his head and tell Martin again how little he knew, but then how could he?

“Yes well it certainly didn't clear up overnight. That's not how concussion works, or it wasn't for me at any rate. I think I still spent half the time on painkillers or asleep, both usually seeing as they tended to send me to sleep. To be honest Martin I think spent far more time unconscious than actually being awake last month.”

Seb offered Martin a smile as he said that but Martin was too shocked to return it.

“Really?”

“Yeah probably. I guess it's hard to measure these things, but yeah there were times when being out of it was definitely preferable.”

“Gosh, that's pretty extreme. Things must have been difficult then?”

Sebastian looked over and decided he might as well go on and tell the truth as far as he could.

“Yeah. I think if you're asking what was hard to deal with, then yeah feeling ill is pretty crappy; Blinding headaches and feeling like you're going to throw up or fall over if you try to stand, and not being able to even nod or shake your head without some pretty intense pain, yeah that's bad, but the hardest thing to deal with is the contrast. It's like there's suddenly a split in your life and there's before and after, because you know you ought to be able to do things but suddenly you just _can't_. That's a real shock and I think that was the hardest thing to deal with.”

“You mean not being able to continue your normal life?”

“Yeah because there's almost nothing on the surface to say anything is wrong but all of a sudden you have to re-set just about your entire life.”

“Such as not being able to going racing?”

Sebastian huffed a dark laugh.

“Such as being able to walk.”

Martin stared, dumbfounded.

“You couldn't walk?”

Sebastian hadn't really intended to let half of this out, but if he was going to explain it he felt he had to do it properly.

“No, well I mean maybe in the hospital, I don't really remember that so much. I could walk when I got out with help mostly, but... It's hard to describe, it's not that I had to learn how to walk again, it's more like my brain had to learn that I _could_ walk again. Does that make sense?”

There was a part of Seb that was concerned whether he wasn't giving away far too much here, but another part of him had an urge to really try to make people actually understand what it was like.

 

He looked over to Martin who was still recovering from his amazement at how little they had known about what had really been going on with Seb. Of course they known that the crash resulted in a terrible impact and as a consequence Seb had suffered heart-failure and been in a coma and that he had severe concussion from the team's press releases, but Martin for one had never really comprehended what that meant for Seb.

“Um, yes I think so, you mean you had to re-train your brain?” Martin hazarded.

“I guess you could put it that way. Like I say you'd have to speak to an expert to get someone who really understands it, but basically the injury meant it was a huge effort to do anything because my brain was having to put so much work into doing it, so the main problem was I was permanently exhausted.

That's what I mean about it being a shock and what you said about it being psychological and physical because the two were the same thing. I went from being a super-fit racing driver to someone who couldn't walk to the end of the road, needing help to make it up the stairs, I couldn't throw a stick for our dogs. That's... well that's pretty hard to deal with.”

 

Martin was still suppressing his astonishment at hearing Sebastian describe all this.

“So how have you got from there to here? That's only, what, seven weeks ago you got out of hospital, less than two months? You must have had a pretty exponential recovery?”

“Well, yeah I suppose I have the advantage that I was fit to begin with and I've had excellent care, but basically I couldn't do much more than rest for quite a while, just to give myself time to recover and then try to very slowly build back up doing more, needing less help with stuff and trying to sort of deal with things a bit better,” Seb recounted.

He wasn't about to reveal all the other terrible aspects of that time, the extent to which he had suffered with anxiety and the horror that came with the recovered memories that resurfaced. Seb was trying to be honest, but there were limits he couldn't go beyond.

“Like I say I had a lot of help from all the medical support I've had, but first and foremost Mark of course and my family. My mum came to stay for a while to help us out because it was a lot for Mark, too much really... He's been amazing through all this, supporting me every step of the way,” Seb gave a little laugh, “literally to begin with, and supporting me as things went on, because, well, I don't want to sound as though I'm asking anyone to feel sorry for me, but yeah it has been hard.”

“It certainly sounds it.”

“To be honest it all feels like a long time ago now.”

“That isn't very long ago though,” Martin noted.

“No, well I guess it's relative. Perhaps it's because I've had to keep focussed forwards as much as possible.”

“To complete your recovery?”

“Yes. I've had to set goals, I guess that's how you do it, or at least how I did, and keep moving them each time you reach them. So; walk a few yards, walk down the lane, take the dogs for a walk, go for longer walks, then I could get to the point where I could get back in real training to properly get fit again.”

“And you are presumably?”

“Hm?”

“Fit again, to race?”

“Tests all passed and here I am,” stated Sebastian, trying to make sure he sounded confident despite knowing that the real answer was; _'We think I'm probably just about good enough and we're hoping for the best'._

 

“Well that's a very impressive rate of recovery,” Martin praised.

“Like I say I had to set goals. Getting back here was always the aim. My trainer Antti should probably take a lot of the credit for that.”

“And not just working on fitness I'm presuming, but all aspects of preparation?”

“Yes, the team have been fantastic in how much support they have given me.”

“You were in the car at Silverstone last week. Was that for the first time?”

Seb couldn't help himself; “Well it's not the first time I've driven at Silverstone naturally, but since the accident, yes.”

“And how was that?” asked Martin.

Seb didn't begin to know how to answer that truthfully.

“It was good to have achieved that goal to get back here,” he tried, knowing it was an indirect answer.

“You said you had to relearn to do things as basic as walking. What about driving?”

Sebastian reached for his water bottle, his head scrambling for what to say in reply. He took a drink and stole a few seconds thinking time.

“I've spent a lot of time driving in the sim at the factory these past weeks.”

Martin didn't fail to notice Seb was avoiding the question. He wondered whether it was too much to press the point. Perhaps he really had to in order for Seb to settle it.

“But you hadn't forgotten how to drive an F1 car?”

Seb did his very best not to let any reaction show. He smiled and shook his head.

“No, I've not forgotten that. The test at Silverstone was just to give it a go for real because obviously I'd not been in the car for a while.”

Well okay so that was a fudge, but it was essentially true as far as Seb was concerned. He hoped to god that this weekend nothing would happen to prove the opposite.

Martin nodded.

“That's good to hear. So you must be keen to get back racing then?”

“Absolutely, that's been the main goal all along, that's what's kept me motivated when I've been in the gym every day trying to rebuild my fitness levels to what they should be, that's kept me going when it's got really tough and I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been.”

“I would say that takes real strength of character to have such determination,” noted Martin.

Seb gave a little shrug.

“I'm sure it's the same for anyone who has been injured and has to get back. I mean you yourself, you mentioned you had some pretty bad crashes in your career.”

“Mm, got the limp to prove it,” agreed Martin sagely.

“Exactly, but you got back to racing.”

“I suppose that's what we do,” nodded Martin.

“Yeah, so that's what I'm doing this weekend.”

“And you're confident about it?”

“Hm?”

“You're confident about getting back in the car and racing this weekend?”

“Absolutely,” agreed Sebastian, projecting his most assured smile.

“From my experience all racing drivers are anxious to get back behind the wheel as soon as possible,” noted Martin.

Sebastian nodded. He wished Martin hadn't used the word 'anxious'. Racing drivers weren't meant to be anxious about anything, not really. The odd things was, when Seb thought about it, he thought it was less that he was anxious that he might have another accident, although he knew that was what terrified Mark, it was that he was anxious he might not be good enough, that he might fail. That was what worried Seb and that was what drove him too, because he had to find out, he had to try to find a way to prove to himself and the world that he could do this and do it well. He had to be Sebastian Vettel again.

 

“Well you'll get your wish soon enough seeing as it's first practice bright and early tomorrow morning,” commented Martin.

“Can't wait,” smiled Seb.

“That's great to hear, well I know we're all glad to see you back and we look forward to watching you return to the track tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

“And thank you for your time Seb,” signed off Martin.

 

The interview rounded up and Martin reached over to shake Sebastian's hand as the production team sorted themselves out.

“We really are glad to see you back Seb,” repeated Martin.

“Thanks. I'm really glad to _be_ back. There were times, well, when that didn't look quite so certain,” Seb confessed, letting out a little more than he really intended in the wash of relief that the cameras were off.

Martin raised an eyebrow and Sebastian tried to back off.

“I mean of course I knew I would, but you know... You have dark days.”

There it was again, that hidden look, as if it was just behind the eyes. Martin was certain there was a whole lot about all this, indeed about Seb himself, that they were never going to know. There was much more to Sebastian than he ever let on in his public persona. But then there had to be. Someone didn't get to be four-times World Champion by the age of twenty-six by chance. That same someone didn't step from being in a coma to racing in an F1 car in less than two months without fighting some pretty tough battles both physically and mentally. Martin smiled and Seb smiled back at him, but as he looked beyond the smile it struck Martin that although the man opposite him was only twenty-eight, he wasn't young anymore, that was gone.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian returned to find Mark where he had left him; sat at a table in hospitality downstairs. It was still fairly quiet seeing as today was in advance of the grand prix weekend really starting in earnest and there weren't many guests and members of the public around. He walked over and Mark stood up to give him a kiss on the cheek before they sat down, Mark put a hand on his arm and looked to see how he was.

“Hey,” greeted Sebastian.

“Hey. All go okay?”

“Yeah, think so.”

They sat down and Sebastian let out a puff of air, glad that the morning was out of the way.

“Did you go see Fernando?”

“Yeah, not for long, he was busy.”

“Course. Nice to see him though?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sent Mark a smile.

“You been telling him to babysit me again?”

Mark smiled back and tried to look innocent.

“I don't know what you mean,” he dissembled.

“Hmm. Sure you don't. Okay well I'm glad you didn't get too bored. Do you want to get some lunch?”

“Yeah. What time have you got to be at the media centre?”

“Starts at one, so we've got a while.”

They ordered some food and Mark waited before asking.

“So this morning was okay?”

“Yeah it was good to catch up with the guys in the garage.”

“That's great, but it wasn't really what I meant.”

“Oh, you mean the interviews?”

“Yeah.”

Seb shrugged.

“I don't know. I guess they were okay. None of them are bad guys.”

“Sure, but you were okay? They didn't push too much?” Mark pressed.

“Hm, I don't know. I mean they were fine, they weren't... I mean they've got to ask their questions.”

“Where they asking about the accident?”

“Yeah.”

Mark tipped his head to the side a little, trying to read Seb.

“And you were okay?”

Sebastian sighed.

“Kinda. I don't know, it was a bit weird. I'm not sure whether I said too much or if I'll just seem really uptight about it all.”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm sure you were fine. As long as you just said what you felt comfortable with.”

“Mm.”

“Did Britta say when these interviews are due to be broadcast?”

“I think Tanja's was for tomorrow, the other two Saturday as part of the quali programmes.”

“Right, well, let's not worry about them. Britta was happy?”

“Yeah she just said I should say what I want to. I don't suppose there's any point pretending nothing's happened.”

“No. Well I suppose people are going to be interested,” acknowledged Mark.

“I guess. I think I'd rather just concentrate on getting back in the car, but I suppose it doesn't work that way.”

“No guess not.”

“I'm not looking forward to this afternoon,” Seb admitted.

“No.”

Mark sighed. It had to be that Seb was included in the driver press conference of course. It seemed unfair, but they both knew that the media were desperate to speak to Seb and the organisers weren't about to ignore that interest, especially when it put their event under a world-wide spotlight.

 

 

 

It didn't seem very long before Britta reappeared to collect Seb and they were heading back out into the paddock to walk down. There were fewer people about, presumably due to the fact it was lunchtime, but also because most of the paddock press were all now cramming themselves into the room set aside for the conference where Sebastian would have to face their questions. Mark went through with him into the holding area, knowing he wasn't really meant to be there and not giving a damn.

The moment Seb walked in the whole room went quiet. They all stared at him in shocked silence for a moment and Seb took in the occupants of the room that comprised the lucky souls selected for the panel this time around; Nico Hulkenberg, Romain Grosjean, Valtteri Bottas, Roberto Merhi, each attired as Seb was, in their full regulation team gear. That was four, with Sebastian that meant another yet to join them. Sebastian glanced at Mark by his side then gave an awkward little wave to his fellow drivers seeing them for the first time.

“Um, hi.”

There was a continued silence before Nico broke it, walking over to shake both his and Mark's hand, smiling at them warmly.

“Hi. Wow, good to see you back,” he greeted.

“Thanks.”

“Mark, I hear Porsche have been missing you.”

Mark shrugged, but he smiled to see his erstwhile team-mate and as he saw the other drivers line up to welcome Seb back he chatted to Nico for a few moments.

Most of the drivers were polite, if almost as awkward as Sebastian was, each wondering what to say, but Romain was more effusive, giving Sebastian an unexpected hug before telling him how they had missed him and been concerned for him. Seb smiled back and started to relax a little, thinking how Romain was a good guy for all that he might be a little impetuous on the track sometimes. Seb was just getting ready to go through, chatting to Britta to get a few quiet words of advice and sticking by Mark who had returned to his side, when the door swung open and Lewis appeared, his eyes lighting up when he saw Sebastian.

“Seb!”

Lewis beamed at him and Seb found himself pulled into another hug, Mark in turn.

“Hey man, this is great. It's fantastic to see you. I can't believe it.”

“Hi Lewis, good to see you too. Thank you so much for getting us here,” Seb replied, feeling better to know Lewis was in this too.

“No trouble, really, I was glad to help.”

“It was very kind of you,” chipped in Mark.

Lewis shrugged happily.

“Really not a problem. I only got here a couple of hours ago.”

“I hope we didn't hold you up?” checked Sebastian.

“Oh no, that was me, lots to fit in you know. I nearly forgot I had to do this today. Good job I've got my minders to keep me out of trouble.”

Lewis indicated over to his assistant who was now talking to Britta.

“You ready to do this then?” he asked Sebastian.

“Hm?”

“Face the press. Bet you've not missed that.”

Seb smiled wryly.

“No, can't say I have.”

Mark had a hand on Sebastian's shoulder without noticing he'd put it there.

“He'll be fine.”

“Course you will. Just the same old stuff as always.”

“Right,” agreed Seb.

 

An organiser came through and sorted them all out with little attached microphones before leading them through to take their positions in the two rows set facing the media awaiting them. Britta handed Seb the RedBull cap she had been hanging onto and he put it on, setting his shoulders back, feeling as if he was dressed for battle. Seb gave Mark a last look, getting a reassuring nod back which he returned before taking a deep breath, fixing on a smile and stepping into the breach.

Sebastian was placed front and centre, making him feel pretty exposed. He was glad to at least have Lewis on one side. He distracted himself by chatting to him for a moment, telling him how impressed Mark had been by his plane and Lewis joking that he was glad they had left it neat and tidy for him to use today.

“We were thinking of keeping it,” quiped Seb.

“Ha, that's mine man, get your own plane.”

“Maybe we should.”

Lewis nodded.

“Makes my life a hell of a lot easier.”

“Mm, can't quite see it with us, but you never know.”

The moderator stepped forward.

“Gentlemen if you're all ready?”

The rows of drivers sat up straight like school boys being told off for talking in class and Seb finally looked out properly at the assembled media he'd been trying to ignore for as long as possible. It was certainly pretty packed in here today. He saw quite a few familiar faces; that was Ted from Sky; and that guy was Michael Schmidt a German journalist, pretty smart; the old one was Peter something, been around since the seventies, a few British journalists Seb recognised but wasn't sure he could name. He hoped that was just a general thing, not due to his concussion. There were plenty of faces he had no clue about and Seb tried to persuade himself that meant nothing. There were always local media in attendance who never went to the rest of the races. Seb pushed worries about that away. He didn't need to know who they all were, he just had to listen to their questions and find a way to answer them.

 

Once the introductions were completed Sebastian knew he was bound to be the recipient of the first question.

“Sebastian, this is your first race after what happened in Monza. How does it feel to be back?”

Sebastian was considering charging some kind of fine each time he was asked that, but he kept any sign of that from his face and smiled.

“It's great to be back. It feels like I was never away. You've no idea how much I've missed you guys.”

The room seemed to either miss the darkness of his sarcasm or appreciated the note of humour as a ripple of laughter went through the crowd.

“That's good to hear. You've had to pass all the FIA's test to be cleared to race?”

“Yep, all done. I'm officially all in one piece. Which I've got to tell you was very reassuring to hear, you know, officially,” Seb joked.

“We're very glad to know that too,” agreed the moderator. “So you're all set to get back in the car?”

“Yep. All set for tomorrow thank you.”

“You're back after less than two months. You must have worked hard to return this fast?”

“Well yes, but I'd like to take this opportunity, if you don't mind, to say thank you to all those people who helped make this a possibility. All the doctors and medical staff who treated me, from the circuit itself, in Italy and at home in England, the wonderful nurses who took care of us, all the marshals and the safety team at the track. I wanted to say how much I appreciate it and indeed everyone who's worked on safety in F1 because without that, all the help I got wouldn't have been there for me and everyone else who races.”

Seb looked about him to the other drivers and got a couple of nods.

“I'm sure everyone here echoes those thoughts Sebastian. Do the other drivers have some thoughts on safety in F1?”

The moderator moved on to ask each driver in turn who repeated in one form or another Sebastian's comments about how vital safety was and how they valued those who worked to keep them safe as well as saying how glad they were to see Seb return.

 

A few more pertinent questions were asked about the last race which, Sebastian wasn't at all surprised to discover, Lewis had won. He leaned in as soon as Lewis had finished talking about it to speak to him.

“Well done,” whispered Seb.

“Thanks. Wasn't the most exciting of races to be honest,” Lewis admitted.

“Oh?”

“Mm, Nico's engine blew up half-way through and after that I was just counting down the laps.”

“At least you won.”

“There is that,” grinned Lewis.

“You don't sound devastated about Nico,” noted Seb.

“That's because I'm a terrible actor.”

Sebastian and Lewis laughed and it helped Seb relax a little.

 

After a while the moderator opened up questions to the floor and Sebastian braced himself.

“Seb, have you watched the race in Monza back?” asked a journalist in the front row.

“Nope.”

“You didn't want to see what happened?”

“We've been over it all with the team.”

“You're happy with the explanation they gave you for why the crash happened?”

“Yes. They've done a very thorough job investigating it all along with the FIA and done everything they can to make sure it can't happen again.”

“And it hasn't damaged your trust in them?”

“Sorry?”

“Well the brakes failed on your car and you were nearly killed as a result. You don't place any blame on the team?”

Sebastian bristled, more annoyed at the slight on his team than the bluntness of the question.

“No. I have complete trust in all my team who work incredibly hard to give me and Dan the best possible car they can. It's my understanding that they released the results of the investigation that explained what happened and why. I suggest you read it.”

 

There was a pause in the room before the moderator picked another questioner.

“Can you tell us what you remember of the crash?”

“No,” Seb answered flatly.

“You don't want to talk about it?”

“I can't tell you because I don't remember any of it I'm afraid.”

“You don't remember the crash?”

“I don't remember the race, I don't remember about a week around it, maybe more,” Sebastian admitted.

The was a murmur in the room and Seb wanted to shrug. What else was there to say? It was the truth.

“I suffered from a severe concussion and that's just one of the side-effects,” Seb added.

“So you suffered from amnesia?”

“Yes.”

He saw one or two of the crowd whispering to one another and knew he was going to get this all weekend. He might as well tell them now.

“What don't you remember?” pressed the journalist.

Sebastian managed to smile.

“Well I can't tell you because I don't remember. It's fine. It's just what can happen with concussion.”

The moderator intervened.

“If perhaps we could ask questions that can be answered?”

 

The microphone was passed along and another voice spoke. Seb didn't recognise them even when they said their name but they were American so he hoped that meant he wasn't likely to.

“Sebastian as this is your first race back, have you had to set more realistic goals now?”

“Well if I can finish the race I'll be doing better than my last one, so everything from there on up is a bonus.”

The room laughed a little awkwardly before moving on.

 

“Sebastian...”

“You know all these guys are wondering if they can just go home,” Seb tried joking, getting a laugh and an agreeing nod from the drivers around him.

“Ha, sorry, I'm afraid we've been waiting to speak to you for a while,” noted the reporter. “We've really not seen anything of you since the crash.”

“No, well...”

“You've been the subject of a lot of coverage in that time.”

“Have I?”

Seb shrugged, not knowing how he was supposed to respond to that.

“Do you have an opinion on how it was reported?”

“I really don't have anything for you on that.”

“It's been pretty controversial.”

“Has it? Well I'm afraid I've not seen any of it.”

The reporter looked at him as if Sebastian must be lying.

“None of it?”

“Nope. I honestly haven't. I've not looked at a newspaper in two months. I'm sorry if that offends you, but I've really had enough to deal with,” Seb admitted.

“There was a lot of speculation that press intrusion was behind why you were removed from the hospital in Italy, resulting in you then having to be rushed back into hospital in England.”

Sebastian stayed silent. He didn't hear a question in there.

“You don't have anything to say on that?” pressed the reporter.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'm not sure what there is to say.”

“It was a pretty egregious act, breaking in to the hospital to take a photograph of you whilst you were unconscious in intensive care, surely you weren't happy that happened?”

Seb's face was frozen mask. He had almost forgotten about that. It was half-lost in the mists of that dark time, but it remained as thorn embedded below the surface of his skin, stuck in when Seb was at his most vulnerable. He'd been asleep, he'd thought he was safe with Mark.

Sebastian had never looked at the photograph. It hurt too much. How could he tell them how that felt?

“I'm not going to talk about that,” replied Seb blankly.

“If we could perhaps move on?” tried the moderator.

 

Sebastian sat back as someone thankfully asked a few drivers about the latest gossip in the driver market. Lewis pushed his foot against Seb's.

“That was shitty thing to bring up.”

“Mm.”

“You okay?”

Sebastian gave a fractional flick of his eyebrows in place of a shrug.

 

Eventually the questions came back around to him.

“Seb, you've admitted you had concussion after the crash...”

 _Admitted_ , thought Sebastian, as if he had committed a crime.

“... and you suffered from amnesia.”

Seb nodded.

“What other affects did the crash have on you?”

“Just the normal ones associated with concussion I guess.”

“You were in a coma.”

Seb waited for a question.

“The team press releases stated that your brain scans were clear, but that seems to contradict what you're saying.”

Sebastian frowned.

“I don't think it does. I had a severe concussion.”

“So you _did_ suffer a brain injury?”

“That's what a concussion is.”

“But they said there was nothing on the scans,” maintained the journalist.

Sebastian couldn't understand what he was getting at, having missed the endless controversy that had raged in the media at the time and ever since.

He shrugged.

“You really need to talk to my neurologist, not me on this, but I'm told that's perfectly normal. If something had shown on the scans I think it would have been worse than concussion and that's bad enough as far as I'm concerned.”

“Have you suffered lasting effects?”

“Um, well yeah, otherwise I would have been back before now.”

“Can you tell us about that?”

Sebastian wanted to sigh. He knew he was going to get this all weekend.

“Just the normal effects of a bad concussion. As I've mentioned; some memory loss, headaches, dizziness and nausea, but they've worn off as time's gone on.”

“But you've not regained some memories?”

“No, but I think that's just for the best to be honest.”

“You don't _want_ to remember?”

Sebastian looked at him, trying not to make it clear he thought the man an idiot.

“Would you really want to remember your brakes failing and going into a barrier at two hundred miles an hour?” Seb challenged.

There was a pause and all Seb could think was; _'Fuck you, fuck you for thinking this is some throw-away thing to put in your paper.'_

“I suppose not,” admitted the reporter. “You also suffered a cardiac-arrest. You haven't suffered any effects from that?”

“Other than my heart stopping, no.”

Sebastian couldn't help feeling angry at how insensitive they were being, but then he thought about Mark standing only a few feet away in the next room watching this on the television screen in there and felt terrible to have said that.

The room also seemed shocked that Seb could have responded so bluntly, which he thought was rather disingenuous seeing as they had brought it up.

He spoke again, trying to pull it back.

“Obviously that wasn't great, but the FIA doctors who treated me at the scene did amazing work and I can't praise them enough for what they did to save my life.”

“You haven't suffered on-going effects from it though?”

“No I've been very lucky.”

“I presume the hospital ran tests to check all that?” asked the man.

“Yes. That was part of the reason I was kept in the ICU so they could monitor me,” explained Sebastian more calmly.

 

Another question was called for and Seb hoped vainly that it might be on another subject.

“Sebastian, do you feel safe getting back into the car after what's happened?”

“As I mentioned before, I have complete trust in my team and the car they provide me with.”

“But you don't feel fear?”

Sebastian's heart twisted up tight. Of course he felt fear. He was a human being, what did they expect?

“I think I have a healthy respect for the risks we take every time we get into the car. What happened was an accident. That's why it's called an accident.”

“But the next time you put your foot on the brake how will you feel?”

“Well hopefully I will feel like I'm slowing down.”

Sebastian caught Lewis smiling at his sarcasm out of the corner of his eye. He would have smiled himself, but he felt too tense now. He just had to push on.

“Accidents happen in F1, they happen in real life every day. I could be hit by a bus crossing the road. At least here I know that everything has been done to try to make racing as safe as it can be. We're never going to have one hundred percent safety, that just isn't possible given the nature of our sport, but I know everyone strives to get as near that total as we can.”

 

“Sebastian, given the severity of your accident and the fact you have been away from racing while you recovered, have you had time to think about how it has changed you as a person?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“I'm not sure where to start with that. Maybe I'm not the right person to ask seeing as it's not always easy to see changes in yourself. I've certainly had to work hard to get back here and maybe that has tested me, I don't know. Perhaps it has helped me ensure I am looking forwards not back. I think perhaps it has made me think about valuing what you have and the time that you are given, because you never know when you could lose that. I guess that's one of the reasons I have worked so hard to get back racing as soon as I can, because I really do appreciate the opportunity I have to do the thing I love.

Apart from that I guess this has helped me value those who are closest to me, not that I didn't before, but my family have been incredible in supporting me and helping me with my recovery, Mark especially who, well I don't have enough words to thank him, but he knows what he means to me so, yeah...”

Sebastian paused for a moment, but he knew he couldn't afford to let emotion take over.

“Also my team and how much they have done to help me get back here. It does mean a lot to know that they are behind me. I've had a lot of help from a lot of people and every bit of it is the reason I'm here today, our friends as well, it means a lot.”

Seb glanced at Lewis and gave him a smile.

“I've been pretty amazed at all messages of good will and best wishes I've had and I'd like to take this moment to say thank you to everyone who took the time to do that because I'm not on Twitter or anything and if I wrote back to everyone then I'd be too busy to actually come here and race, so I hope they're watching this,” Seb looked directly at the camera and gave a nod, “thank you.”

 

From towards the back there came a question from one of the tabloids.

“Seb, have you been seeing your psychiatrist while you've been off?”

Sebastian hid the settling breath he took. He wasn't going to apologise for it.

“Yes I have. As I said, I've had a lot of people who have helped me and I thank all of them for that help. I've had plenty of doctors in my life in the past two months with different specialities, each of which have contributed to the fact I am here right now.”

“So you feel safe to be back in the car?”

Sebastian furrowed his brow a little. Hadn't he already answered this question more than once?

“Yes. As I say, it was just an accident. You just have to accept that bad things can happen in life and move on.”

“Ah, no forgive me, but I meant _you_ ,” clarified the reporter, “I meant do you feel you are safe to be behind the wheel?”

Seb tried not to let it show how cruel it felt to be asked that. He was so busy composing himself he didn't notice the way several of the drivers around him on the panel drew up a little at the harshness of the question.

“I've passed every test I've been required to by the FIA to prove I am ready to race. I've been working with the team to make sure I am as prepared as I can be. I have been passed by my doctors as fit. All of whom say I am good to go, so yeah.”

“You're not concerned about the fact that you still have ongoing amnesia?”

Sebastian mouth opened and closed a fraction. He didn't know what to say.

“Because that sounds like you still have brain damage.”

There were some audible gasps in the room, including a few from Seb's fellow drivers, shocked at a question that seemed to cross the line from blunt to offensive. Sebastian looked out at the speaker, tempted to say it sounded as though _he_ had no manners. Lewis to his side pulled an unhappy face and came very close to speaking out to say what an inappropriate comment that was, but Seb spoke up to defend himself.

“Well I've taken the advice and judgement of all the experts and doctors who've said I'm sufficiently recovered to go racing again, so I'm going to go with their opinion,” he replied.

 _And not yours,_ Seb didn't add, despite wanting to ask the man precisely when he became a neurological expert on top of his day job as a sports reporter.

“So you're not worried then that you could have problems while driving?”

“I drove the car last week and it was all fine, but thank you for your concern,” Seb replied evenly, the last part carrying sufficient scorn for anyone with an ounce of sensitivity to recognise how clear it was that this man had precisely no concern for how hurtful his words were.

 

Another question came from a face he didn't recognise.

“I'm sorry to go back to this, but you said you suffered from after-effects that wore off over time?”

“This is to Sebastian?” prompted the moderator.

“Yes, sorry.”

Seb looked out, trying to think where the question was going.

“Yes that's right,” he accepted.

“So your memory improved and things came back to you later?”

“Um, yeah.”

He didn't want to think about what the worst of those things were.

“But not the crash?”

“No.”

“Are you worried that it might?”

“No.”

Sebastian knew he was shutting down and it might not look good, but he really wanted them to leave him alone.

“There are cases where amnesia victims have flash-backs, particularly when they repeat a related action.”

“I'm not sure what you're asking,” Sebastian replied, although he had a nasty feeling he did, and the word 'flash-back' made him feel sick. He really needed all this to be over.

“Whether you are concerned that memories of your crash could come back to you when you start racing again?”

 _Great,_ thought Seb, _I wasn't before, but now I am, cheers_ _for that_ _._ As if he didn't have enough to worry him.

“No. I was driving last week with no problem. When I'm driving I'm not thinking about anything else but that.”

 

The moderator tried again, hoping that someone might have a question for the bored other five members of the panel, only to be immediately disappointed.

“Sebastian, are your family happy with you returning to racing?”

“My family have never been anything but supportive in this and everything else.”

“They aren't concerned that by returning so soon after such a serious injury you risk a secondary concussion should you have an accident this weekend, which could cause even greater damage?”

 _Oh fucking brilliant,_ thought Seb, _now they bloody well are._

“As I said before, I'm racing under medical advice; They've assessed the risks and they've all said it's been long enough so I should be fine.”

“So they're not concerned?”

“They're my family. They're always concerned about me.”

“Are they here with you this weekend?”

“Mark is, which I'm very appreciative of. I can't thank him and all my family and my wider family enough for everything they have done and continue to do.”

 

The moderator made one last attempt.

“Okay one last question and I'd remind everyone that we have more than one driver available to answer it.”

Ted Kravitz raised his hand to get the mic.

“Thanks, okay, sorry everyone else up there, but this is another one for Seb.”

Sebastian nodded. Of course it was.

“So, first part of my question is; Having spent that last twenty minutes in this room are you still glad to be back?”

Seb coughed a dry laugh and looked him in the eye.

“Hmm, well I can say I'm still looking forward to racing again.”

Ted nodded, knowing that didn't take much reading between the lines.

“I'm sure. So on that note, the second part of my question is; How was it sitting watching the races from home rather than being a part of them?”

Sebastian felt slightly better to have a lighter question finally.

“I hate to break it to you Ted but we've not been watching.”

“I see, well you've missed some good ones. They're on SkyPlayer if you fancy catching the highlights.”

“Thanks for the tip.”

“Okay, thanks everyone. I think we'll call that a day,” rounded up the moderator.

 

Sebastian pulled off his mic and did his best not to sprint from the room. As he stood, Lewis leaned in.

“Jeez that was pretty brutal.”

“Hmm.”

“How come they're all medical experts suddenly?”

Sebastian gave him a half-smile as they shuffled along out from behind the desk.

“They're not. I probably could have told them anything.”

Lewis smiled at that idea.

“You should try that, see what you can get away with.”

 

Seb nodded and they exited the room. As soon as he was out of sight of the media his shoulders dropped and he looked for Mark in the ante-room. He stepped past Lewis and ignored the rest of the group milling around making small talk as they began to filter out and locked eyes with Mark; The expression like thunder on his face told Seb that Mark had just fought his own battle not to come through and tell the entire roomful of media to go fuck themselves.

As soon as they were close enough Mark put his arms around Seb and neither of them gave the slightest thought to who else was around them. Seb let himself be squeezed tight and closed his eyes, his arms limp by his side.

“Bastards,” growled Mark in a low voice.

Seb took in a breath feeling steadied by the contact and after a moment pulled away to look at him.

“It's done now.”

Mark nodded, softening his expression to direct it to Seb.

“Yeah. You did great.”

“Thanks.”

Seb looked around him for Britta as the room emptied.

“Oh Seb, god that was...” she shook her head. “I'm sorry. I just hope they've got it out of their system now.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian thought it unlikely it was the last he would hear of this sort of questioning.

“I'm really going to try to keep a lid on it,” she vowed.

Seb nodded, he knew she hadn't been able to control that.

“It's okay.” He looked at Mark. “I'm okay.”

Mark nodded, his hand still on Seb's arm. He didn't think Sebastian had really looked all that great at points in there, but he'd got through it.

“Are _you_ okay?” Seb asked Mark.

Mark smiled at him.

“No, but I think I did pretty well not to go through there...”

“And?” Seb raised an eyebrow at Mark.

“And give them a piece of my mind.”

“Or something like that,” smiled Seb, knowing Mark was thinking far worse.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, something like that.”

 

Sebastian sighed and Mark gave his arm a rub. He didn't really want to admit that he was tired already. Seb turned to look at Britta, noticing that everyone else had gone now.

“What now?”

“You were going to do your track walk, then have to do the huddle,” reminded Britta apologetically.

“Okay.”

Sebastian set his shoulders. He just had to get on with it.

“You'll be okay?”

“Yeah track walk first. I'll feel better for a walk out.

“Okay. I'll wait back in your room,” offered Mark.

Seb nodded and this time returned the hug Mark gave him.

“The press don't know what they're talking about. Just ignore all that bullshit, okay?” Mark reminded.

“Yeah, okay. Britta?”

Britta nodded and they walked out, Mark peeling off towards the RedBull base while Seb and Britta went on. Before he let go of Seb's hand Mark moved his thumb to rub over the little fish and nodded to him. Seb nodded back. He just had to survive each small battle and then he could get back to Mark and it would all be okay.

 

 

Sebastian set off with a few of his engineering team and Antti to walk the track. Theoretically it was to look out for any slight changes there might be, to re-familiarise himself with the lay-out and look for any little bumps or raised kerbs or anything else that could cause an issue, whilst getting time to talk with the engineers about how the car ought to go here. In practice it was a chance for Sebastian to clear his head and getting some exercise and fresh air in his lungs which was never a bad thing.

 

Back in the garage Christian spoke with Britta.

“How's he doing?”

“In the circumstances, pretty impressive in my opinion.”

Christian nodded. Seb always managed somehow. He went over to make sure that things were all set on the pitwall and as the group returned from their reconnaissance walk he joined them as they returned to the garage, checking that all was well, then as Seb popped back over to speak to those working on his car Christian went back to have another word with Britta.

“You got the huddle now?”

“Yeah, we'd better get to it before the mob gets any hungrier.”

“Okay, after this it's bare minimum all weekend right?”

“Yeah, just what's unavoidable,” Britta agreed.

“And you'll try to control them?”

“With a chair and a whip if I have to.”

Christian huffed a laugh at the imagery.

“Yeah I don't want him chewed up before he's had a chance to actually get in the car.”

Britta nodded, looking over to Seb who was having something to do with the half de-constructed car explained to him over on the other side of the garage.

“Maybe you should do that today?”

“Hm?”

“Put him in the car before there's any cameras about,” proposed Britta.

Christian frowned, then he realised what she was getting at.

“Okay, sure, I'll talk to Steve, we'll find a reason.”

“I think he needs a break after this though.”

“Fine, before the end of the day,” Christian agreed.

Britta nodded and went to fetch her charge.

 

Sebastian put his cap back on and pulled his sunglasses out of his pocket before heading out. He could hear the hubbub of people out by the rear of the garage waiting for him and he needed all the armour he could get. He took a deep breath and gave Britta the nod before they stepped out and inserted themselves into the centre of the waiting mob.

Britta practically had to shove her way through to get there which seemed stupid seeing as they were the ones the group were waiting to see, but the atmosphere felt fervid and overwrought and there was a fair amount of pushing as people tried to get their cameras and recording equipment in close enough.

Britta looked firmly out at the mass of people now encircling them.

“Right, everybody calm down.”

A bunch of questions were shouted at once and she shook her head.

“No, we do this right or we don't do it at all.”

There was a petulant pause from the group who knew that if she wanted, Britta could march Seb back inside and they would get nothing. She waited while they settled down, then nodded to the nearest face she recognised.

“Okay, one at a time. Thank you, Jennie?”

 

The questions started up again and Seb did his best to answer them. He was past being bothered that each one started with asking how he was feeling. Seb understood that each reporter needed his response on camera or on record so they could say they had it from him direct. Britta was being coldly efficient, not caring if she pissed people off today when they wanted more. If she gave them all they wanted, Britta knew they would be stood here until it went dark.

Sebastian let her do her work and allowed Britta to take the brunt of the aggravation. He tried not to let the situation overwhelm him, knowing that he had been here so many times before, but it was difficult not to feel as though the mob were closing in, trying to pin them to the wall. He wished Mark was there with him, his arm around his shoulder keeping him safe and making him feel better. Sebastian tried to imagine that Mark really _was_ there, so much so that he could almost feel his arm hugging him in a little bit to protect him when things threatened to get rowdy and Britta had to settle the crowd down again. When one reporter asked him again if he felt capable of getting back behind the wheel and if he was worried whether he would have the confidence to race, Seb imagined the squeeze around his shoulders and the deathly glare Mark would be giving the man right now and it cheered him, helping Seb to go on.

Not all of the people here were being unkind, it was just the setting that made it so uncomfortable and both Seb and Britta wished that this wasn't how this was traditionally done at this stage of the weekend. It would be better later on when they reverted to the usual practice of doing the interviews in the pen, the media kept back behind barriers. Seb found his mind drifting somewhat and he had to recall himself to concentrate on the task at hand.

“Jason Jarrett, Austin Statesman...”

Seb blinked at him, trying to work out what the man was saying.

“Sorry, you're a statesman?”

“No that's what the city paper is called,” he explained.

“Oh.”

Seb found himself naturally laughing at the silly confusion and shook his head.

“Right, sorry. Yes?”

“Did you choose to come back to racing at this track because you have good associations with it?”

“Um.”

“I mean your record here is pretty good.”

“Oh, well yeah I guess that doesn't hurt, I mean not so much last year, but yeah, it's a great track and I'm happy to be back in Austin.”

In all honesty Sebastian thought he would be happy to be back at _any_ track, but he might as well keep things as positive as possible.

“That's great to hear, and you like the city?”

Sebastian was pleased to be answering a different type of question so he smiled at that reporter.

“Absolutely. Austin is a great place. I'm very happy that this is where I'm able to return to racing. COTA always has a wonderful atmosphere, the fans are very enthusiastic and it's nice to be based in such a vibrant and welcoming city.”

“So have you been out and about?”

“Oh well not so much yet, but hopefully we'll get chance at some point.”

Seb didn't really think he was going to want to do anything tonight other than hole up with Mark in his room, but he had been around the city a little before and it was a nice place, so he wasn't lying.

“Well if you need a guide to all things weird and wonderful downtown, let me know,” offered the reporter chirpily.

“Ha, very kind. I'll bear that in mind.”

 

“Next. Yes, Pete...” prompted Britta.

Sebastian turned to the next one, back to another question about how he felt about getting back in the car. He retained something close to a smile on face and ploughed on. _Just keep swimming._ Once this was done Britta had promised him a break and he'd get some time alone with Mark. It was okay.

 

 

 

Mark saw the door swing open and jumped up off the bed to meet Seb coming back in. Seb dropped his weight into Mark and let out the longest sigh. Mark kept him in place for a moment then gave him a squeeze before leading him over to the bed to sit together.

“Bad?”

“Just, urgh...” Seb let out another sigh as he re-set himself. “It's okay. Britta did her best. I'm alright, I just need a break.”

Mark nodded.

“Lie down?”

“Yeah. Half hour then Christian wants a round-up in the garage and then we're done.”

They arranged themselves on the bed and Mark pulled Sebastian in tight. Seb took in the longest inhale of Mark as he rested his head into Mark's shoulder.

“Good?”

“Mmm.”

“We'll have an early night.”

Seb smiled and tipped his head up to look at Mark.

“Well I just had an offer from some guy to show me the town tonight.”

Mark frowned.

“Huh?”

“A reporter when he was asking his question.”

“Oh so while I was patiently waiting, you're out there being hit on?”

Seb grinned, knowing they were teasing one another to try to bring in a little lightness.

“I turned him down.”

“That is a relief.”

“Mm.”

Mark stroked a hand along his side, then Seb took in a deep breath and let it out before pushing up to give Mark a quick kiss.

“You know I was kidding?” Seb checked.

“Yes darling I do.”

“He was just trying to be friendly. He was from some local paper.”

“Ah right.”

“He was one of the few who didn't ask me about the accident.”

“Was he?”

“Yeah, just... I don't know. I'm kinda sick of it already.”

Mark sighed and Seb closed his eyes at the nice feeling of his body moving against him.

“Done now,” Mark soothed.

“Yeah.”

Seb sighed a matching sigh and they stopped talking. Mark wanted to ask him whether Seb was worrying, but he obviously needed a proper rest. Maybe they could have a chat about it later. Holding each other was reassurance enough for now.

 

 

 

 

At the end of the afternoon they were back in the garage again. The paddock was considerably clearer by this time as most of the media had trooped off to the media centre where they were busily writing their pieces for websites and tomorrow's papers or pulling together filmed items to use on Friday when proper coverage began in conjunction with the running on track.

It was a relief to be able to walk along unharassed and Seb felt rather better for a short rest. His boss had a chat with both of them to check that they were okay, then Mark faded out of the way whilst Sebastian got on with running through their plans for free practice the next day. Sebastian stood with the engineers and nodded along as they explained things. They weren't speaking to him any differently to how they always did and it helped Seb to feel that all this was totally normal. He was trying to keep as cool a head as possible, making sure he paid full attention to what they were saying and asked the right questions to be as prepared as he could be. Seb knew he just had to completely blank out all the things the media had said to unsettle him. If he gave in to his worries Seb knew that he was only more likely to be put off his game and possibly incur the very issues he was trying not to worry about.

Seb thought back to what Henry had said on the phone when he had called him on Tuesday to let him know that he was going to be away for a while. His therapist had tried to use the time to give Seb a few more coping tips, telling him to keep doing what worked; Break it down, don't overwhelm yourself with the big picture, deal with each component part and give it your full attention knowing you can manage that little bit, then when you've done it, move on knowing you have achieved something and can do it again.

So now he was giving his full focus to the team. Christian told him that the mechanics would like to run through a few things as well so Seb went over to them and had another chat through what they had been working on all day. He did as they asked and hopped into the car so they could check a few things and he could give them some feedback.

Nobody commented on the fact that they'd had the television on in the garage when the driver conference had been broadcast and the place had ground to a halt while they watched it.

Christian had had no intention of pulling the team back to return to work. He knew they wanted to see how Seb got on. When they heard the media calling Seb's ability into question Christian had been secretly pleased to hear the guys vocally making their unhappiness known and not for a minute did he think of telling anyone off for swearing at the screen, although he was slightly worried that a spanner might fly across the garage when a disembodied voice on the TV suggested that Seb might blame the team for what happened. He wasn't in the least surprised to hear Seb defend them so robustly, although Christian thought it was for the best that they couldn't see the faces of the representatives asking these questions or they might regret walking past the garage at some point this weekend.

Seb was getting along fine now. He was doing what Seb always did; approaching the task by working through it and although Christian still had his concerns about when Sebastian got out on track, he knew Seb was doing the best he could when today had to be a strain. At least Helmut had been nice to Seb today in the brief contact they'd had when they had coincided in the garage, he'd even been nice to _Mark,_ which Christian thought was usually a sign that hell freezing over was imminent.

 

 

Sebastian as he climbed out of the car again, and they ran through a few tiny tweaks with wanting to ensure it was set up to his liking for tomorrow. One of the mechanics stood to the side while his colleague talked, thinking about how it really was good to have Seb back. Not just because they had been worried about him all this time, but Dr. Marko dumping those juniors in his place to test them out while Seb was off had been a trial for all of them. The kids had tried too hard which rarely ended well and their inexperience told, not only out on the track, but in the way they struggled to communicate with the team, either strutting in here thinking they knew everything or sinking into silence with nerves.

Steve knew that once-upon-a-time Sebastian had been one of those kids and it had taken him a while to settle into his role. It was a delicate balance; the driver had to be a leader but he relied on the expertise of his team and it was important that there was mutual respect there. Seb never spoke down to them, but he was clear on what he wanted. Steve had no problem with a driver being demanding as long as he thanked them when those demands were met.

They were all a little nervous about tomorrow. No one was talking about it, but they knew it was important that it went well. Not spectacular, just a smooth day, that was all they wanted. They all needed to rebuild confidence in each other and relax back into things. The more time they spent together the better, and it was good that they were keeping things fairly light. Steve was amazed Sebastian was handling it all so well thus far. If someone had spoken to _him_ the way the media had been speaking to Seb earlier he knew he would have had no other response than 'fuck off'. Seriously? Suggesting a four-time World Champion might forget how to drive the car? What bullshit.

Steve glanced to the side and saw Mark watching them again. He wasn't surprised. If anyone was obviously nervous in this garage it was Mark, but then who could blame him? On that terrible day in Monza he'd been stood only a few feet away from Mark when disaster struck and Steve had never seen a man turn so pale so fast. It was a horrible memory and he for one would rather forget that day as Seb seemed to have done.

He wondered if Mark realised how much he watched over Seb when he was in here. Steve noticed the way he did it even when Mark was ostensibly talking to someone else. Seb was always kept in his line of vision. He wondered too if Mark knew how _long_ he had been doing that for. Maybe not constantly as he did now, but Mark had always watched Seb. Years before it seemed they were together Steve used to spot Mark watching Sebastian, almost unconsciously, as if he was unaware he was doing it. Maybe he hadn't been.

Steve had certainly seen Seb observing Mark rather more transparently. Those big blue eyes looking so impressed that someone like Mark was even giving him the time of day when he had first come here, Seb still flushed with the thrill of reaching the big time. He'd seen the way Seb had bounced about the place like an excited puppy, trying to show off to Mark and the disappointed expression Sebastian hid when it didn't seem to have the desired effect. Maybe it had more of an effect than either of them knew at the time.

The pair vowed whole-heartedly now that there had been nothing going on between them back then. Steve would have thought it untrue, even with all the arguing and tension in those later years, but for the fact that there had been someone else in the garage watching Seb by then.

The way Heikki had watched Sebastian was nothing like the way Mark watched him. Mark might gaze over or look across with poorly disguised nerves, but Heikki had surveyed him, possessive in an entirely different way; When Sebastian saw Mark looking over now his body-language relaxed, with Heikki it had been the opposite and Seb had tensed up, before returning his attention to his work with a distracted energy. Maybe they should have known something was wrong there all along? Then again how could you really know what was going on inside someone else's head? He hoped Sebastian's head was firmly set on the task ahead as it seemed to be and not affected by the relentlessness of the media. If there was another accident this weekend he wasn't sure the team would get over it.

 

 

Someone came and spoke with Britta who disappeared out back before coming over to Sebastian who finished speaking to his mechanics and then turned to her.

“Sorry, Seb do you have a second?”

Sebastian looked to the guys who were still fiddling away.

“Umm?”

Mike looked back.

“We're good. The rest of it we just need to try out actually on the track.”

“Okay.” Sebastian turned back to Britta. “Yep, sorry what was it?”

Britta indicated with her head and he followed her over to the back of the garage.

“Felipe Massa would like a word.”

Seb frowned.

“Sorry?”

“Felipe Massa, he's out the back.”

“He wants to speak to me?”

“Yeah. Unless you don't want to.”

“No, of course... Sure.”

Sebastian caught Mark's eye and gave him a little shrug then headed on out past the tyre-racks and kit filling up the partitioned back area to go on outside to where an hour ago thirty or so people had been trying to ask him the same questions at the same time, but was now almost totally deserted. Instead a diminutive fellow driver stood alone, patiently waiting. Britta walked him out then left them to it.

 

“Um hey,” greeted Sebastian.

“Hey Sebastian,” smiled Felipe. “I know that you must be busy but I wanted to come to say hello and to say how very glad I am that you are back and that you are well. Very glad.”

Seb hardly knew what to say other than the obvious.

“Thank you.”

Felipe nodded and looked him in the eye. Seb went to say something and then stopped. Anything he could think of seemed too superficial. He nodded back.

“You came to the hospital.”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

Felipe shrugged, as if it was nothing.

“I saw the press conference.”

Seb huffed a dark laugh.

“Yeah. That was fun.”

“It looked it. They were not so bad with me, when I came back.”

“Yeah, well...”

Seb couldn't help thinking that it was because the media just seemed to have it in for him. It certainly felt that way sometimes.

Felipe continued; “I think maybe because I was not back so soon they forget. They have short memories, the press.”

“Ironically,” noted Seb.

Felipe laughed.

“Yes just so. They will move on, as you do.”

Seb nodded, then paused as he wondered whether it was wrong to ask, then decided he should.

“Do you remember, I mean what happened with you?”

Felipe shook his head.

“Not the crash, around it... more than you it seems, but not that. You are right, who would wish to? Anyone who could say so is a fool and he does not understand what we do.”

“No, guess not.”

“You must ignore them.”

“Yeah that's the plan.”

“Good. How is Mark?”

Seb automatically glanced towards the garage.

“Oh well, you know.”

Felipe smiled and nodded.

“I think my family would have liked to lock me in a bathroom to keep me home afterwards, my mother at least.”

Sebastian laughed.

“I think your mother and my mother would have a lot in common. Mark's fine. He's here. Do you want to say hi?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian popped his head around into the doorway and looked through to see Mark hanging around just inside the main garage, doing his best not to look over to check how Seb was getting on.

“ _Mark_ ,” Seb called through, giving him a beckoning wave.

Mark strode over and joined them outside.

“Felipe, good to see you.”

“And you Mark. I was just saying hello.”

Mark nodded.

“It's nice to see you both. Well, I should get back,” excused Felipe.

“Of course, thanks for coming by.”

“Yeah mate, good to see you.”

Felipe hesitated, then went to give Sebastian a hug, Seb having to lean down to do so and smiling as he thought how odd it was to be in the reversed position for once and smiling even more widely at how low Mark had to duck to give Felipe a hug in turn. He left them with a nod and Seb found himself watching Felipe walk away. Mark slung his arm over Seb's shoulder as they stood there a moment.

 

“What was he saying?”

Sebastian turned in a little to look at Mark, his arm still around him.

“Just... really just hello.”

Sebastian paused as he tried to collect himself.

“I think he just wanted to let me know he gets it.”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark. He didn't reminding why.

“Yeah,” echoed Seb.

Mark leaned in and kissed Seb's temple.

“Are we done here?” he asked.

“Hm? Yeah I think so. I'd better check.”

“Sure.”

They parted and turned to go back in when Seb stopped and looked at Mark.

“He was alright wasn't he?”

“Massa?”

“Yeah. When he came back racing?”

“Yeah he was.” Mark looked at Sebastian. “I think maybe that's what he was telling you as well.”

“Yeah.”

Mark could see Sebastian was lost in thought. He patted him on the arm.

“Come on, let's see if they need anything else and then we can get outta here.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded. He'd had quite enough for one day.

 

 

 

 

Once they got back to the hotel all Seb wanted to do was shut the door and call room-service but he rang his family while they waited for it to be delivered. He knew it would be late with them but they were bound to have been upset by the press conference and he wanted to check they were okay. He promised them repeatedly that he was fine and all set for tomorrow, handing over the phone with a sense of inevitability to Mark when his brother asked, letting him speak to Fabian to assure him again that everything was alright. Mark distracted Seb's little brother by telling them how cool Lewis's plane was and how many movies they had to choose from to watch. Seb smiled, knowing precisely what Mark was doing and felt even better when Mark looked over at him while still talking and sent Sebastian a wink.

“Anyway Fabe, don't go telling everyone will you? I don't think Lewis wants the world to know he's being so nice to a rival... Yeah... No I don't think so. Okay, yeah we're all set... It's really only free practice, no biggie... Course I will. Sure... Yeah, you want to speak to him again?”

Mark handed Seb back the phone and he said goodbye before collapsing back on the bed.

“Thanks Liebling.”

Mark lowered himself down on his side by Seb.

“No problem.”

“Fabe's pretty glad the time-difference means he can watch,” Seb noted.

Mark smiled.

“I'm sure he would have tried to persuade your parents he should miss school otherwise.”

“I can't imagine Mum going for that.”

“No, well... Anyway, they'll be fine.”

Seb rubbed his hands over his face.

“Speaking of time-difference, I'm knackered.”

“Yeah. Food then sleep?”

“Yep.”

 

They got their food and found a film to watch on the large screen TV set beyond the foot of the bed, settling down in a heap together to eat. All across the city gathered fans and off-duty media were hitting the town, enjoying themselves as they anticipated the start of the grand prix weekend, but the two of them had no intention of going any further than their room.

Mark dumped their trays back in the hallway before returning to Sebastian on the bed. He sat in a tangle with him, their feet curled up on the bed and Seb leaned in further and further until he slipped from Mark's shoulder, down his chest until his head dropped into Mark's lap.

“Seb.”

Nothing.

Mark gave his shoulder a gentle shake.

“Seb sweetheart, wake up.”

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled and helped him sit. Sebastian took a deep breath and rubbed a hand through his hair, looking blearily at Mark who was distracted by how cute he looked.

“Bed?” suggested Mark.

Seb blinked and took a moment, thinking that they were already on the bed, until he realised that Mark meant they should get ready for bed and go to sleep properly.

“Yeah.” He took in a breath to wake himself sufficiently to do that. “What time is it?”

Mark checked his watch.

“Here; half past eight. Home; half past two in the morning.”

“Ah.”

“Exactly.”

No wonder he was exhausted.

 

 

 

Sebastian fell asleep again as soon as they settled themselves into bed, pressed tight into Mark who held him in and followed not long after. He was still holding onto him when Seb woke. Seb lay there against Mark's chest, trying to close his brain back down so he could drop off again, but he couldn't do it. His mind started turning over the things that had been said today and weaving in all the worries Seb had been trying to ignore. He sat up in the darkness and Mark was woken by feeling him move. He fumbled for the light to see what the matter was and sat up with him.

“Seb?”

Sebastian pulled his knees up and hugged them.

Mark leaned in further round him.

“Seb?” he tried again.

Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes.

“I'm just... I'm trying not to think.”

“What?”

“What could happen.”

“Problems you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Nothing bad's going to happen.”

Mark got no response other than Seb screwing his eyes tight shut.

“I know I shouldn't let them get to me.”

“Who? The press?”

“Yeah.”

“Seb...”

“What if I _do_ forget something? They're right. I couldn't say it, but they are. I still have problems. What happened... on Sunday...”

Mark shook his head and interrupted.

“No sweetheart. That's not going to happen. Dr. Roberts said it was most likely just a one off, just... an aberration.”

“But it could.”

Mark sighed, knowing that was true.

“She didn't seem to think it would and if it did it would be like, a tiny detail and you can ask can't you? On the radio. You've talked to the team and they'd find a way to remind you. They can just tell you what you need, a delta, whatever, and nobody else who was listening in would realise.”

Sebastian turned to look to him, his face still uncertain, so Mark continued.

“The engineers tell you stuff over the radio all the time. It doesn't have to be a big deal.”

He rubbed over Sebastian's back trying to reassure him, but Seb didn't speak.

“I know it's not nice, but at least you've got that fall-back, yeah?”

“Yeah I suppose,” allowed Seb.

“And it probably won't happen at all. Nothing like that happened at Silverstone did it?”

“I suppose not.”

Mark heard how uncertain he was.

“But?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It still scares me.”

Mark nodded. It scared him too. Sebastian looked at him, anxiety plain on his face.

“What if it's worse? What if I forget something really serious?”

“You won't.”

“But I could. Nobody can tell me for sure and I just... I don't know. I could forget something really dangerous...”

“Seb...”

Sebastian could feel himself ramping up and he knew he was letting it happen, but he couldn't seem to stop himself.

“No, like... like what something does on the steering wheel or, or the brakes.”

Sebastian wished he hadn't let that come out of his mouth when he saw Mark's expression and fought to recover himself.

“I know, I know I shouldn't... I'm sorry.”

“This is today,” noted Mark unhappily.

“What?”

“The press. We've talked about this. You weren't worrying like this before.”

Seb shrugged.

“Come on, you said it yourself, they don't know shit. They're not doctors.”

“But what if I do, or what if they're right and when I'm driving I have a flash-back and I suddenly remember the crash and I freak out, or I have a panic-attack?”

“That won't happen,” stated Mark as firmly as he could.

“But...”

“It _won't_.”

Sebastian shook his head unhappily.

“I've had flash-backs before.”

“Not like this. You've never had trouble while driving. You've had all kinds of shit going on and you've always been fine once you're in the car.”

“But this is different.”

“Sweetheart you're letting them get to you.”

“I know, but I can't stop it, it's in my head now.”

Sebastian dropped his face into his knees trying to take slow calming breaths, hating that he was adding to Mark's worries by sharing his own.

 

Mark dipped in to talk to him, his hand still on Seb's back, resting between his shoulder-blades.

“None of that will happen.”

Sebastian didn't respond other than to take in a shaky breath.

“Sit up. Come on, just... please Seb?”

Sebastian forced himself to sit to listen to Mark.

“The media don't know anything. They aren't medical experts. They've just spent their time speculating and spouting off rubbish and they said all that stuff to you because they wanted a reaction. They wanted to make more of a story out of it.”

Seb pushed out a breath knowing that to be true.

“The ones who really are the experts. They don't think you will have a problem. Do you really think they would have given you the okay to drive if they weren't sure?”

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

Mark looked at Seb for a moment.

“Do you really think I would let you get in the car if I thought you were likely to hurt yourself?”

Seb looked back and Mark lifted a hand to place it at the side of his face.

“I don't ever want to tell you what to do, I don't want to be that person, but if I really thought it was wrong, I would have to do something, I just couldn't...”

Mark swallowed, trying not to let emotions overrun him.

“You are the most precious thing in the entire world to me. If I thought it was a mistake, don't you think I would say so? There's risk, it's racing, there's always risk, we weigh it, we make a call. That's what we've done, right?”

“Yeah, okay,” agreed Seb very quietly.

“You're scared. Okay. I'm scared, but we can't let people who know nothing frighten us with stuff they've made up. Don't listen to those idiots, they just want a headline, a nice juicy story. They don't know anything.”

“No. Okay, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have let them in but I can't shut it off.”

“Even though all the experts say you're okay?”

Seb shrugged again and Mark shook his head.

“Why?”

“I don't know, just... Maybe I'm being stupid?”

“No. Okay that one sweetheart we can rule out flat.”

Mark gave Sebastian a little smile.

“You're ten times smarter than any of those guys saying that stuff to you today. Even if you knocked your head half a dozen times you'd still have more brain cells than them.”

Seb managed to huff a little laugh at that.

“Yeah?” tried Mark.

“I guess.”

“You are _not_ going to forget how to drive. I think you could do that in your sleep. I mean literally. I think I could dump you in the car right now and you'd be fine.”

A lop-sided smile crept onto Seb's face. He knew Mark was exaggerating but he wasn't talking complete rubbish. Mark didn't do that.

Mark moved his thumb over Seb's cheek.

“Yeah?”

“I guess. I think...”

Seb puffed out a breath and Mark moved his hand to sit on his shoulder.

“...I think it's the uncertainty. It's that all the doctors, they can't tell me anything for sure,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark gave him a little smile.

“And you don't like that.”

Sebastian didn't like not being in control of himself. They both knew that.

Seb shrugged again and Mark knew that meant yes.

“Look, I don't believe that you would just totally shut down. I am certain, _certain_ sweetheart, that your brain is hard-wired to do what you need to in the car. You would find a way whatever the problem was, if there's a little issue you'll work round it. You're smart enough to do that. The team would help you and I don't give the tiniest shit what anyone else would think as long as you were okay.”

 

Sebastian let all that sink in. All the possibilities. Did he really think that the worst would happen? That the doctors and the team and Mark would let him drive if they thought that could happen?

“Okay. I'm sorry.”

“You don't need to be sorry sweetheart.”

“I just let it pile up in my head.”

Mark moved his hand to smooth over Sebastian's head, as if that could wipe the worries away.

 

Seb took in a deep inhale and moved to put his arms around Mark to hug him, Mark fitting his arms around Seb to pull him closer.

“Nothing bad's gonna happen,” whispered Mark into Seb's ear, his voice low and soothing.

Seb let it settle in his brain, steadying the whirling that had been taking over in there before.

“Okay.”

Mark squeezed him then let Seb go.

“Right then. You okay now?”

“Yeah. Better. I let the madness in, sorry.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah we're not going to do that. We've got enough to deal with. Right?”

“Right.”

Sebastian settled against Mark as they sat together, Mark's arm around him.

 

“You were fine at Silvo, it'll be the same here. Once you get the visor down you'll be in racer mode and you'll be doing what you do best. All we have to do is get past this weekend and then we'll know it's all okay.”

“Okay. I'm sorry I just gave you more to worry about Liebling.”

“No, it's okay. It's better than letting it all mess with your head. So, okay, I have worries too, but we know with every possibility there's a way to deal with it to make it okay.”

“Okay. Yeah I think, just, once I get going...”

“Exactly, you'll know it's going fine and you can build up. Doesn't matter how slow you start off tomorrow, the whole weekend's just a place to start. Once you've got this under your belt you can move on.”

“I just don't want people to think...” Seb trailed off.

“People can think what they want. Everyone knows it's your first race back. Just get through it. That's all I care about, that's all your family care about.”

“Yeah, okay. Okay, I do know that.”

“Then on Sunday night we can celebrate,” stated Mark.

Sebastian picked up at that, raising an eyebrow at Mark.

“Celebrate?”

“Yeah.”

“What will we be celebrating?”

“The fact that it is Sunday night and we are together. That'll do it for me.”

 

Mark smiled at him and Seb nodded and smiled back, feeling more settled to have let out the worries that were bottling up.

“Me too.”

“Great. You can buy me a beer.”

“Maybe I'll have one too.”

“Sure.”

“I've not had a drink since... I don't know when. On holiday I suppose.”

“Then we'll have a beer,” agreed Mark.

“It's a date.”

“Well we've not had one in a while,” noted Mark.

He slid Seb a sly look to tease him.

“Just so long as it's with me and not that guy that was offering to show you a good time round here earlier.”

Sebastian gave a little laugh.

“No Liebling, I only want a date with you.”

“Good.”

Mark looked at him more seriously.

“I have faith in you. I have faith in your abilities. Just... have a little faith in yourself. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian thought. Mark believed in him as he always did. Didn't he believe in Mark more than any rubbish spouted by ill-informed reporters? Course he did.

Seb nodded at Mark.

“Thank you.”

Mark shrugged.

“Think you can sleep now?”

“Yeah, much better.”

He looked to Mark.

“Is there stuff you're worrying about that you want to talk about?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“All my stuff's just... irrational stupid worries. I know that you'll be okay and once we get to Sunday night we'll be better, right?”

“Right.”

“And you can buy me that beer.”

“I thought you were buying me a beer?”

“We can buy each other a beer.”

They smiled at one another and nodded, then settled back down in bed together, wrapping each other up tight. Seb looked at Mark, trying to make out his face even though the light was off again now.

“We have all of Monday off,” noted Seb, trying to find more nice things to think about.

“Hm?”

“Here. We have Monday off.”

“Ah.”

Mark smiled and moved his face closer into Seb's.

“Isn't that promising?” he teased.

“Mmm,” agreed Sebastian.

It was a far better thought to fall asleep with. Both knew that they would need that sleep to face the challenges of tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another of my notoriously short chapters. Sorry, my editing skills suck! ;)


	98. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave - Part 2

 

* * *

* * *

 

  


  


When they got up the next morning the worries that had piled up in the middle of the night had faded a little and they both tried to make sure that in the light of day they thought about things more calmly and rationally. Today was only free practice. Seb would have the programme the team gave him to follow and he would be in and out of the garage so he had that on top of the radio to check any details he might need reminding of, so he would be fine. They both simply had to keep reminding themselves of that.

They sat downstairs in the hotel eating their breakfast with plenty of time before they needed to set off, making sure that nothing was rushed today to try to prevent any more stress creeping into their day.

Despite the early hour they didn't have too much company in the hotel's dining room as most of the team had eaten and gone already as had the other teams staying at this hotel. They knew that even though the team would have done everything they could to set up yesterday, they would still be in the garage at the crack of dawn, just to make sure. Britta walked in and stopped by their table.

“Morning.”

“Morning Britta,” greeted Seb.

“Hey, you want to join us?” offered Mark.

“Oh no I'm okay thanks, I just came in to grab a piece of fruit, I'm not all that hungry. You going to be ready for half-past?”

“Sure,” Seb nodded.

“Okay, well I'll meet you in the lobby.”

  


Fifteen minutes later they exited the lift to see Britta waiting for them, the car ready to go. Mark had tried to keep things low-key all morning, not giving Seb any big speeches, knowing that was only likely to emphasise their fears. Instead he tried to exude a quiet confidence that everything was going to be fine today. Climbing into the car Seb slung down his backpack into the foot-well and sat back, taking in a deep breath and letting it out as Mark settled down by him. Britta turned around in her seat to look at them.

“Okay?”

“Yep,” Seb answered.

“Good. Well we should still be ahead of any traffic with any luck. Gives us plenty of time before you're needed in the garage.”

“Righto,” agreed Sebastian and she gave the driver the nod to set off.

 

Out of town onto the highway and past the airport until the countryside opened out and they knew they were getting closer to the circuit. They were still quiet in the car, each lost in their own thoughts, trying to prepare for the day. Mark occasionally moved his thumb reflexively over the back of Sebastian's hand in his, while Seb looked out of the window at the passing scenery. Seb was trying to remember what Henry had said and how today ought to fit in reasonably well with the idea of keeping tasks broken down into manageable sized challenges and trying to persuade himself that today wasn't all that different to a week ago at Silverstone.

Mark looked over and gave Seb's hand a little squeeze.

“'kay?” he checked quietly.

Sebastian nodded and Mark nodded back. They both knew, or at least hoped, that they would be feeling considerably better once they'd got first practice out of the way. Nearly there now.

 

They were just heading along one of those straight _straight_ wide open roads that you only seemed to get in America, when the outer buildings of the Circuit of the Americas hoved into view and the driver began to slow, readying to turn onto the private road into the track when Britta sat up, seeing a group of people gathered on the verge just inside the long boulevard leading in. She looked over, wondering if they were autograph hunters, but as they turned off the main highway the driver saw that some had strayed into the road and slowed right down to make sure he didn't accidentally run anyone over. Britta took in a horrified breath as she realised what she was looking at. They weren't autograph hunters. They weren't fans at all.

There were banners and placards held aloft, t-shirts with messages printed on, all with variations on the same stomach-turning message.

GOD HATES FAGS

The words large and cold and utterly unmistakeable.

Sebastian stared out of the window in shock. He blinked and looked again, as if that would somehow change the scene in front of him. It didn't though. There were only a dozen or so people stood there, but on seeing the car they started shouting out and rushing forwards to see who was in there and Seb's skin flushed with a terrible heat. They meant him. Him and Mark. There wasn't the tiniest iota of doubt who they were here for.

Seb took in a sharp breath, his eyes now wide as he looked out. Mark by his side was staring with equally shocked horror.

“What the fuck?” exclaimed Mark angrily.

Britta dragged her attention back to the driver and grabbed his arm.

“Move!” she instructed, but a couple of the protesters had stepped out right in front of the car and he could only crawl forward, honking the car's horn to try to get them out of the way.

Someone peered into the car and cries went up as they realised who was in there. A couple calling out gleefully.

“It's him!”

Sebastian turned away from the window towards Mark who was now dumb-struck with fury at what he was seeing.

The car was still trying to creep forwards, Britta alternating looking outside and back to the driver trying to get him to get past.

“Run them the fuck over,” growled Mark.

Sebastian hadn't said anything. He wanted to close his eyes and bury his face in Mark to hide away, but he didn't want to give these people the satisfaction. He couldn't look at them any more though so he sat frozen, turned inwards, trying to pretend he didn't know that they were there. Mark's hand was gripping his and Seb caught his eye but all he could do was shake his head unhappily.

The driver revved his engine loudly and bunny-hopped the car forwards to scare them out of the road, successfully encouraging them to chose between being run down and getting out of the way. Just before the car was about to pull away someone banged on the door making Seb jump and turn in their direction.

“The crash was God's judgement on you!” shouted a middle-aged woman in a Southern accent.

“You should have died!” chimed another, sounding hysterical.

Sebastian took in an appalled breath, his heart now pounding. He felt as though his mouth was welded shut but as he saw Mark by his side jolt forwards as if he was going to leap from the car to remonstrate with them Seb found his voice.

“Mark, no!”

He pulled Mark's hand towards him and before anything else could happen the driver put his foot down and they shot off, leaving the group behind, now loudly chanting their repellently hate-filled message at the departing car.

 

Britta was facing back again now that they were speeding away.

“Oh god, Seb, Mark, I...”

She shook her head, unable to think what to say.

“I can't believe it, I had... no idea.”

The initial shock past and with no more eyes on him, Sebastian had turned in further towards Mark and dropped his face into his chest, hiding himself there as he had wanted to before, his eyes squeezed tight shut. Mark undid his seatbelt and moved to pull him into tighter into his arms.

“Absolute bastards, bastards.”

Sebastian took in a shaky breath. He'd never imagined something like this happening. Not right outside the track, not like this. He knew that some pretty nasty things floated round the internet and Mark had received some unpleasant stuff directed at him on Twitter which had put him off spending too much time on there. There had been that guy who had insulted Seb right to his face that time, but an actual organised protest? Even if there really hadn't been that many of them it had felt intimidating.

Mark fitted one arm around Seb and with the other he rubbed over his arm, trying to think of anything to say. He looked at Britta who shook her head again.

“Mark, I had no idea, there was nothing, nothing out there warning about this, I...”

 

She was interrupted as her phone rang and Britta groped in her bag to find it, feeling more thrown by what had just happened than anything else she had encountered. She saw her boss's name on the screen and swiped across it to answer.

“Britta, are you guys on your way? I just got word from site security that there's something at the circuit perimeter, some, I don't know, some crazies have turned up, they just saw it on CCTV...”

“ _Christian_ ,” intervened Britta.

“What?”

Britta sighed as she looked in the rear-view mirror at Sebastian and Mark, seeing only too clearly how distressed Seb was and the angry set of Mark's jaw.

“We already came by there. They're at the top of the boulevard.”

“Did you see... I mean security seemed to think they were protesting something,” Christian fumbled.

“Yeah,” sighed Britta heavily. “I'll talk to you when we arrive, I can't right now.”

Christian frowned, still no real idea what was going on. Britta didn't sound herself at all.

“Did something happen?”

“Yeah. Look we're almost there. Do you know if there are many press about yet?”

“Hm? No I don't think so, it's too early.”

It was only just on eight am. With another two hours before the start of free practice most of the media were still getting their coffees to go before heading out.

“Good, but just to be on the safe side can you send a couple of guys down to walk us in?” Britta spoke quietly, trying not to let them hear in the back seat.

“What? Why?”

“Could you just do it?” asked Britta, close to snapping at him.

Christian was taken aback at her tone, but he instantly knew she meant business. Even with the press yesterday she hadn't thought to ask for that. Whatever had happened wasn't good. Damn it. This was all they needed today.

“Right, umm, yeah I'll send a couple from our security to meet you at the gate, make sure no one hassles you.”

“Thanks. We're almost there now.”

“I'm on it.”

 

They hung up and Britta looked back at the pair in the back seat again. Damn it all to hell. She switched her phone to texting and sent her boss a message as the car started wind its way around the internal roads to reach the centre of the track.

BRITTA: They were protesting against Seb. Can't talk.

CHRISTIAN: What the hell? You're kidding.

BRITTA: I wish I was. Two minutes.

 

Britta directed the driver to pull up as close as he could to the paddock entrance and they stopped. Seb sat up as he felt the car halt. He lifted his head and squeezed his eyes tight for a brief second, then shook his head sharply as if trying to wake himself up. Mark looked at him.

“Seb?”

“Yeah.”

They locked eyes and Mark squeezed Seb's arm then gave it a quick rub again. Seb's face was still a mask and Mark was struggling to read anything other than the fact he was obviously upset. Mark himself was almost incandescent with rage that people could be so aggressively hostile and overflowing with prejudice and hate that they could do this; to make a special journey to come and try to intimidate and deliberately distress someone. After everything Seb had put himself through to get here? How could they do this? Mark had absolutely no idea where that mentality came from. Right now though, his main concern was not those abhorrent individuals but Sebastian.

Mark dipped his head in a little more to look at him. Seb's face and body-language was all dropped, as if the strings holding him up had been cut.

“Sweetheart?”

“Yeah I... I, we should go in,” managed Seb blankly.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah okay.”

 

Britta climbed out first and looked around to see that thankfully there didn't seem to be anyone about. Mark went around to Seb's side of the car and opened the door to encourage him to get out, putting a hand on his arm as soon as he did and looking to Britta.

“Okay it should be quiet yet but just in case...”

She looked at the pair of them, guessing this was a redundant instruction, but said it anyway.

“Don't talk to anyone, we'll just go straight in. There should be someone here to meet us.”

The walked the few yards to the paddock security gates and swiped their ID's to enter and saw not only two of RedBull's internal security men that usually hung around the base, but Christian as well, hurrying over. As soon as they met, Christian looked at the group and was about to open his mouth when Britta shook her head.

Mark had his arm around Sebastian as they walked, carrying his bag for him, Britta on one side with Christian and the two RedBull men in front. No one spoke as they covered the hundred yards or so to the RedBull base. There were only a few people about as most who had cause to be at the circuit this early were already hard at work in the garages or elsewhere and they reached the base quickly, passing through the doors with even more relief than the day before.

 

Once inside, Christian dismissed the men and looked to Britta then Seb and Mark.

“What was it? These people, I called site security back but they can't really see on camera. They're just sending people out there now.”

Britta gave him a dark look, still not happy to be discussing this in front of Seb in case it upset him further. She glanced at Mark before speaking.

“They were some kind of fundamentalists I think, I don't know.”

Mark shook his head angrily.

“Didn't anyone know they were there?”

“I'm sorry Mark I literally got the call five minutes ago. They must have only just pitched up. I rang as soon as I heard.”

Sebastian took in a settling breath.

“It's okay.”

He gave Mark a look, trying to tell him that blaming Christian did no good. The only people to blame were those people themselves.

Christian looked around to see that the main hospitality area they stood at the edge of was mostly deserted apart from a few staff setting up for the day, but judged any conversations were better held in private.

“Do you want to come to my office?”

Sebastian rubbed at his face.

“I think... Yeah I think I just need a minute.”

“Of course,” nodded his boss.

“We've got time right?” checked Seb.

“Yes plenty of time, don't worry. Yeah okay, I'll get into this, try to sort it out. You head up.”

Seb nodded and Mark suppressed the urge to ask Christian precisely what good doing something about it now did, but he knew that was unfair.

“Come on sweetheart let's go upstairs to your room, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark led Sebastian away and Britta turned to Christian.

“My office,” instructed Christian.

 

The moment the door shut, Britta dumped herself down into the chair opposite his desk while Christian perched on the edge of the desk by her.

“So, what..?” he started, but Britta interrupted.

“Oh god, Christian it was awful, just... They were right there at the entrance. Banners and t-shirts and yelling stuff. Just fucking horrible.”

Britta hardly ever swore and he could tell how upset she was too.

“But what were they... I mean you said it was about Seb?”

She sighed and looked up at him.

“Well we didn't stop to chat about what their problem was, but it was anti-gay stuff, really offensive, I can't, I mean I can't even repeat it.”

“Shit.”

“I never thought, I mean I know maybe in these parts... but there was no word of any local trouble.”

Christian shook his head. He'd even made a couple of discreet enquiries with the organisers and they had been adamant that they had no concerns.

“I mean Texas, sure, it is the South, but Austin's a pretty liberal place,” concurred Christian.

“I don't think they were from round here,” Britta guessed.

“Oh?”

“I think I've seen stuff like that before.”

“You mean a group?”

“Yeah. Look we need to sort this out right away. We can't have them out there. The press will be turning up and...”

“We don't want it anyway.”

“Well obviously.”

“No. Okay.”

Christian sighed. This had to happen today didn't it? Way to kick a man when he was down. Unbelievable. He puffed out a settling breath. Okay, the only thing to do was to do their best to fix it.

Christian sighed.

“Some people. Really. I just don't understand how they can be that way. It's bad enough, but... he's only just got back, I mean after what happened. Don't they have any compassion?”

Britta shook her head.

“Apparently not. To be honest I've got a nasty feeling that's partly why they're here.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well I'm betting they weren't much interested in F1 before now, but all the publicity there's been since the accident, really world-wide. Then even more publicity yesterday about Seb coming back...” Britta sighed as she thought about it, “all those pictures of him here with Mark. I think they would consider that simply too much provocation.”

“Provocation?”

“In their twisted minds, yes. That plus the fact they knew they could get a boat-load of free publicity for themselves.”

Christian shook his head at that there could be such people in the world.

“Right, well we put a stop to it,” he stated decisively.

They nodded at each other, all business now. They had calls to make; site security, the director of the circuit, Bernie, anyone else they could think of who might wield influence to help. They were calling in favours even if they weren't owed any and they needed to make this happen fast.

  


  


Upstairs Sebastian was sat leaning into Mark again, still struggling for words to express how he felt about what had just happened. Mark kept his arm tight around him.

“Bastards,” repeated Mark. “They're just... seriously there's something wrong with people like that.”

“Yeah,” allowed Seb quietly.

Mark looked at him and nodded. He hated it when Seb went quiet. It meant he was hurt. These vicious individuals had come here specifically to do this to Seb. To hurt him and humiliate him in public. To try to intimidate him and attempt to frighten him away. It made Mark so angry that anyone could do that. The things they had said about the accident. It made Mark feel sick. Who could wish that one someone, insinuate that it was their own fault, that they brought it on themselves and that they deserved it? He knew that their message could be seen as being directed to him as well, but Mark could only think of Sebastian.

“I don't understand how anyone can be that way,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark sighed.

“No sweetheart, me either. Really, there's something wrong with them.”

“How can they? They seemed so... It was like they were enjoying it,” tried Seb, attempting to come to grips with what had just happened.

“Yeah. I don't know. Maybe they're brainwashed and they think they're on some kind of mission. Or maybe, I don't know maybe they do just get off on hurting people.”

“It's just so horrible.”

“Yeah it is.”

Mark gave Seb a squeeze, taking more comfort from it himself than he realised.

Sebastian took in a sharp breath. He was trying to rationalise all this, but it hurt too much right now.

“Why do people hate me?”

“No, Seb.”

Mark looked as Sebastian's face was in danger of crumpling into tears. It made him want to cry too.

“No darling, don't think like that.”

“But those people.”

“They're lunatics. They're messed up. They don't hate you. They don't know you. They just hate, I don't know, the idea of you. They're homophobic. Logical thought doesn't go into it.”

 

Seb was looking to him and Mark was trying to do what he always tried to do; make it better, help Seb be okay. As usual Mark didn't appreciate how much doing this settled himself as well.

“They're just nasty, pathologically bigoted individuals who group together to try to help themselves feel like that's normal,” Mark continued.

“They must be really messed-up to think doing that is normal,” agreed Seb.”

“Yeah sweetheart, they must be.”

 

Sebastian sighed and put his face in his hands. For a moment Mark worried that he really might start crying, and Mark thought that if he was too upset by this on top of everything else Seb was facing today he'd just ask Lewis to borrow his plane again and take them home.

“Seb if you just want to get out of here?”

Mark didn't care what the media or anyone else thought if they disappeared.

Seb rubbed his face, took a deep breath then set his shoulders back and gave a slight shake of his head that Mark wasn't sure how to interpret.

“Alright?” Mark asked tentatively.

Sebastian gave him something close to an ironic smile.

“No, not really, but...” Seb pushed out a breath. “I can't let them get to me, right?”

Mark tried not to look surprised to hear Seb finding a way to say something positive.

“Right. Absolutely not.”

“Cos we let them win if we do that. I'm not having them make us feel we shouldn't be here.”

Mark gave him a smile and another squeeze.

“Damn right sweetheart. We just have to ignore them. They want attention in their fucked-up pathetic dead-end little lives. We're not going to give it to them.”

 

Sebastian took several deep calming breaths trying to accept the truth of the words he had said. He couldn't let them do this to him. He had worked too hard to get here to allow this horrible incident throw him off course. He felt the comfort of Mark holding onto him and let it fill him with strength to go on. After a couple of minutes he sat up, feeling a little recovered.

“I've got to get ready for practice.”

“Exactly. That's far more important. You're doing something really great with your life, they're just jealous.”

Seb managed a little laugh.

“No Liebling, I mean I've got to get ready. I need to change.”

Mark smiled as he understood.

“Ah, right, of course.”

 

He let Seb go and Sebastian stood to gather up his racing gear to change into.

“I thought the press had it in for me,” noted Sebastian. “That lot make the media look positively angelic.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Well I still think a few of them are pretty obnoxious, but I guess these things are relative.”

He stood as Seb finished dressing, fiddling with the collar of his fireproof top to get it to sit comfortably, his race suit still undone to the waist.

Mark looked at him as he put a hand on Sebastian's arm.

“They're just a few people, okay? A lunatic fringe.”

Seb nodded, forcing a little smile onto his face.

“And people think there's something wrong with _my_ head.”

Mark smiled back and kissed his forehead.

“There's nothing wrong with you darling.”

He wrapped his arms right around him and they held onto one another for a moment.

 

Seb was just trying to think of a response when there was a knock on the door and Mark stepped around to his side as Seb gave the okay to enter. The door opened and both Britta and Christian came in. Seb and Mark sat back down on the bed as the other two stood in the centre of the room, the door shut.

Christian spoke first.

“How are you doing?”

Sebastian nodded.

“We're okay.”

Christian looked, trying to read them. At least Seb was changed into his gear. That was a good sign.

“Okay, good. I'm really sorry you had to go through that.”

Seb shrugged.

“Not your fault.”

“No, well. Anyway. Circuit security is down there now trying to sort it out. Obviously these people aren't exactly the most reasonable types, but they're working on it. I've taken it as high up the chain as I can and nobody wants them here a second longer.”

 

What the circuit, Bernie, the city authorities and indeed anyone else involved _really_ didn't want was the horrendously bad publicity arising spoiling their big event, but Christian wasn't about to highlight that.

“So, they're on it. If they don't shift of their own accord, the police will be on their way. Neither we nor the circuit had no pre-warning of any trouble. It seems they pitched up only a few minutes before you did.”

“It seems they're representatives from the Westboro Baptist Church,” explained Britta. “Now they're here they've posted pictures of themselves on Twitter.”

“How proud of themselves they must be,” commented Mark sardonically.

“Yes well hopefully before too long somebody will be tweeting pictures of them being carted off in a police van because this is private land and they can bleat all they want about their first amendment rights from the sheriff's office,” added Christian.

Mark nodded. He would be more than happy to 'help' them into those police vans.

“They're trespassing,” added Britta. “So hopefully that is going to be sorted. It's just unfortunate, well the timing...”

Mark wanted to argue that 'unfortunate' wasn't a strong enough word, but he knew it wouldn't help and this wasn't their fault.

 

“Anyway, I think that's all we can do for now,” continued Christian.

Seb nodded. He looked at Britta.

“Do you think the media will have seen them?”

Britta wished she could say otherwise.

“I'm afraid some will and it will get around now anyway.”

Sebastian nodded, he'd known before he asked.

Britta took a step closer to him.

“Look Seb, it's horrible I know, but the only thing we can do is try to put it to one side.”

Christian was watching Seb carefully, still trying to judge what kind of state he was in.

“Are you going to be okay this morning? I know it wasn't going to be easy to begin with,” his boss asked.

Mark gave Christian a dark look and Christian wanted to ask him what he expected him to say.

 

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. I'll be okay. I'll just keep my head down and get on with things.”

Christian nodded, hiding his relief that his driver sounded reasonably solid.

“That's absolutely the right thing to do. Just keep concentrated on the task in hand.”

“We're not going to be answering any questions on this from the media,” warned Britta. “I mean there shouldn't be much of that today anyway. But later on, well we can discuss it then, but it's a flat no to any question on this, okay?”

“Okay,” Seb agreed.

Britta had already made a few phone calls to some key people in the media; heads of production from the big broadcasters telling them that if they even brought the topic up with Sebastian then that would be the end of all their co-operation this weekend and weekends to come. Christian would give them a dismissive; 'We're just getting down to the important business on track,' and that was to be their lot on the subject. If they pushed any further Britta had made it painfully clear she would find ways of making them regret it. Yesterday had been bad enough. No more.

“We don't really need to even see the media until later on this afternoon after we finish up, officially anyway. If anyone tries to talk to you in the paddock we're just ignoring them, okay?”

“Yep.”

Christian nodded approval.

“Okay then. Look seeing as you're changed do you want to head over to the garage now? I know it's still early, but while it's quieter?”

“Sure.”

Mark looked to Sebastian and he nodded back, telling him that he was alright. As alright as he could be anyhow.

 

They gathered up a few things and headed downstairs. Christian peered outside to see how things looked in the paddock.

“There's a few more people about now. Do you think...?”

He looked to Britta who shook her head. It was only a short distance to the garage and now that they had calmed down, herself included, she didn't want any pictures that might be taken to demonstrate that they felt the need for extra security around Sebastian. The image had to be be business as usual.

“Okay, let's go then.”

They headed out, walking quickly and avoiding eye-contact with people they passed. In less than half an hour the paddock had filled up considerably but it wasn't packed yet seeing as it was still long before running started on track and it was only Friday. A couple of photographs were snapped but they got to the garage unscathed. Mark had considered taking Seb's hand but Seb hadn't reached for it, so he had merely made sure he walked closely by his side.

  


Once in the back area of garage they relaxed again. Christian looked to Seb.

“Okay so we just get on with things. Try to put everything else out of your mind Sebi.”

Seb nodded. Christian copied him and as he glanced to Mark he admitted.

“I know that might sound trite, but...”

“No it's okay,” accepted Sebastian, “that's what I want to do.”

“Good, okay then.”

 

Mark wondered whether Seb might not want to loiter here a moment so they could talk again, but Sebastian automatically followed Christian's path through into the main part of the garage and set about starting work, talking to the engineers and his mechanics. Mark hung back out of the way, knowing that Seb was doing the best thing by keeping busy. He wished he could do the same.

Sebastian tried to keep his face devoid of emotion. He knew he had to do everything he could to push what had happened aside. He had to push away all his worries and fears too or his head would spin up like it had last night and simply couldn't afford to let that happen. He had to concentrate on the preparations to make sure he was ready. He had to make sure that and _only_ that filled his head. As he walked to his car the guys stopped talking and he saw them glance amongst one another, considering whether they ought to say something. Seb knew they would have heard. Nothing travelled faster than news within the paddock so they were bound to know what had gone on. For a brief second Seb considered telling them he was fine, but he as he saw them pause he did the same. He didn't want to have to tell them he was fine. He had to show them. They were going to be professional and so was he. It was how they were going to get through this.

“Okay, so have you been making any more tweaks this morning?” he asked.

The group visibly perked up.

“Oh, yeah, there's a bit more wind out there today so if you want to look...”

They ploughed on and the more they did so, the easier Seb found it to lose himself in the task.

 

Mark watched. There was nothing he could do except be here for Seb. He had a quick chat with Daniel when he arrived before he too had to get down to work to be prepared for his own day, stopping by only briefly to say hello to Seb, Dan sticking to a short 'alright?' rather than getting into anything heavier, guessing that wouldn't be helpful at this stage.

Mark's phone buzzed in his pocket a couple of times and he checked out a few messages from people. Word was getting round. There was an outraged text from JB saying he was disgusted to hear there were demonstrators at the track and he hoped they were both okay. Mark texted back, barely knowing what to say other than it had been pretty unpleasant but hopefully being sorted, replying much the same to a few others. There were a couple of missed calls as well and Mark suspected that Seb had the same on his own phone in his bag. He didn't really feel up to returning them.

He sighed. This morning they had both had messages from family and friends wishing them luck and assuring them that they were certain everything was going to go well today. Now there would be more condolences and concern. Mark was sick of having to deal with bad things coming their way. It never seemed to end.

He caught Britta's eye and she came over to speak with him.

“It's out there.”

“Yeah,” she nodded grimly.

“What have they got?”

“That they were out there making a scene mostly.”

“And Seb?”

“Just speculation that he would have had to pass it on his way here, but obviously they're making something of that.

“Of course they are,” he agreed darkly.

“Yeah. Look Christian's going to say something to brush it off.”

Mark nodded.

“And outside?”

“I'm waiting on confirmation that they're gone.”

“Okay, thanks.”

She followed his gaze over to Sebastian.

“He just needs to keep his head in the game.”

“I'm pretty sure that's what he's trying to do,” pointed out Mark.

Britta nodded. Seb was working. It was what he did best.

 

Mark's phone buzzed again and he looked to see a text from Fabian.

FABIAN: Seb's not answering his phone. Is he ok? We saw about those awful people at the track. Mum & Dad are worried.

Mark sighed possibly the heaviest sigh of the day. What Fabian meant was _he_ was worried. Of course he was. These people simply didn't care about the distress they inflicted. What kind of religion promoted that?

He looked over to Seb and tried to catch his eye while pointing to his phone and attempting to indicate that it was nothing to worry about before stepping through to the back.

  


Mark hit dial and it was answered so quickly he knew that Fabian had been sat holding the phone in his hand.

“Hey kiddo, you okay?”

“Me, yeah course I'm fine, I'm just... Is Seb alright? I saw on Twitter, people were re-tweeting these pictures of these horrible people with all these signs. They were at the track. Did you see them, I mean there, did you see them at the track?”

“Fabe it's okay, they were outside, not inside the circuit and they're getting rid of them.”

“But you saw them?”

Mark couldn't lie.

“Yeah mate, I'm afraid we did. They were at the entrance when we drove in.”

“Oh Mark.”

“I know, I know mate it's nasty stuff, but they're being kicked off site.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And Seb's okay? He's not answering.”

“He's working Fabe. We're in the garage already.”

“Oh. Oh I see. I didn't realise. There's still like an hour to go.”

“I know, we just wanted to get on.”

“Right. But he's okay?”

“Your brother's fine. It was pretty unpleasant, but we've just got to get on with things.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Fabian's voice had audibly relaxed at Mark's reassurances.

“Alright mate. I know it's upsetting. These people are just messed-up. We can't let them get to us.”

“Right, no I know.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Can I talk to him?”

“Ah,” Mark hesitated. “Um, thing is Fabe, your brother's kind of busy right now. He's working with the team to prepare for getting out on track in a bit.”

“Right. Of course. I mean I didn't think he'd just ignore me.”

“No of course not. He's just got to keep his head down. Look don't take this the wrong way Fabe, but if he talks to you he's just going to have to think about what happened again while he worries about you and...”

“Oh, no I don't want that.”

“No I know you don't, so just... we need to let him concentrate on what he's doing and try to forget about everything else, okay?”

“Yeah of course. And he's really okay?”

“Your brother is remarkably good at compartmentalising, he's got to do that this morning alright? He's got enough to deal with, you know with...”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then. Try not to let it get to you Fabe. That's what those bastards would like. Don't give them the satisfaction.”

“Okay. And he's going to be alright driving?”

“No one's better at this than Seb,” replied Mark solidly.

Fabian sat back on his bed nodding, knowing Mark was always right about these things.

“Yeah I know, he'll be fine.”

“He always is,” reminded Mark, only partially to himself.

“Are you alright Mark?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah mate, hanging in there. I have to admit to thinking some pretty unpleasant thoughts about those people, you know, possibly that when they get arrested for trespassing the police lose the key to the van they put them in, that sort of thing.”

And any number of worse things, but he wasn't about to say that to Fabian.

Fabian smiled.

“Yeah that'd be good.”

“They're just bad people Fabe. We can't get rid of all of them in the world, much as I wish we could.”

“Yeah okay. You want to speak to Mum and Dad?”

“Sure.”

He guessed Fabian needed his parents reassured too. Mark wanted to get back through into the garage to check on Seb, but he was doubtless working away. Mark knew he could be more help doing this.

  


 

 

Time flew surprisingly fast. Mark had finished speaking to Seb's family and sent his own family some text messages as he knew that it was the early hours of the morning in Australia and he didn't want to wake them, only for his mother to ring him back moments later.

“Oh Mum, I didn't mean to wake you,” Mark apologised.

“We're awake dear. Didn't you think we were going to be watching?”

“Oh.”

“I'm sure your sister would too but she'll need to get some sleep to be up with the kids in the morning.”

“No of course, no that's... it's really nice that you're doing that.”

“And you're okay? Seb's okay?”

“Yeah, well I mean did you see?”

“Leanne called us. We knew you'd have your hands full so I wasn't sure whether to ring.”

“Yeah.”

“Look you've just got to put it to one side,” advised his mother.

“That's what we're trying to do,” Mark agreed. “It's okay, they're being chucked off and we're in the garage now.”

“Okay well take care of yourselves. Your father wants to speak to you.”

“Mark?”

“Hi Dad.”

“Tell Seb good luck from us.”

“Yeah.”

Mark sighed and his father heard it.

“There are some screwed-up people in this world Mark. Be grateful they're in the minority.”

“Yeah. Okay I should get back through.”

“Where are you right now?”

“I'm stood in the back of the garage. Seb's just going over some details with the car, getting ready, you know.”

“Of course. Well we'll let you get back. Best way to sock it to these people is not to let it affect you.”

“Yeah, okay. I know you're right. That's what we're trying to do.”

“I'm sure. Okay, well I hope it all goes well for Seb on track.”

“Thanks, bye then, bye to Mum.”

Mark hung up, then saw a message from his sister had come through asking if he needed to talk. He replied letting her know that they were okay and it was all getting sorted out, finishing by telling her she should go back to sleep and that she didn't need to worry.

 

That done he set his shoulders back. Mark walked back into the garage and frowned when he couldn't see Seb. He went over to Christian.

“Where is he?”

“Hm? Oh he just stepped out for a bit of air. I think we're all set,” Christian reassured.

“Right.”

Mark went back to the rear of the garage out of the way. He wasn't going to go rushing out into the pitlane after Seb. Maybe he just wanted a moment to himself and Mark knew he had to get used to letting Sebastian cope on his own. He smiled, thinking that he had to get used to coping on his own as well. The atmosphere in the garage was calm and purposeful, that had to bode well.

  


Seb wandered out across the pitlane towards the pitwall where he spoke with a couple of the engineers then stepped to the side to see how full the grandstands opposite were. It was another nice day, meteorological speaking anyway. A clear blue sky with only the odd fluffy white cloud scudding by to indicate the wind speed. Seb wondered how much you would feel that wind out on the open sections of the track. The team seemed to think that it shouldn't be too bad but he'd really only find out once he was out there. He just had to get going.

Sebastian wanted to keep his mind as clear as the sky above. If he did anything else it would get filled up with all the wrong things and he could not let that happen. It was vital that today was a success. He had to go well on track and nothing else mattered.

He took a few steps along the pitlane, looking back through the chain-link fence at the top of the concrete pitwall out at the grandstands opposite. It really was quite busy today. Seb hadn't come into contact with so many fans here yet this weekend other than bumping into the odd one in the paddock asking for a signature and a few outside the hotel. They'd all been perfectly pleasant. Seb tried to remind himself that not everyone was bad. Those people this morning were raving lunatics. Mark was right. It wasn't actually personal. They didn't know him or Mark. It was just what they represented.

Right or wrong Seb didn't care what he represented. He was just himself and he could only worry about himself. Maybe that was self-centred, but Sebastian suspected that was how you had to be to do this job; Focussed. He had to be totally focussed this morning. He knew what needed doing. He had been over and over everything with the engineers, looked at every detail on the car with the mechanics to the point Seb thought he might be able to rebuild the car himself. That thought made him smile. Seb knew couldn't really do the mechanic's job for them any more than he could do the engineer's job or for that matter Christian's or Britta's. They all had to work together to contribute and he was at the pointy end. He had to do his part. He couldn't let them down.

 

Seb took in a nice clean lungful of the fresh air out here before it was polluted by twenty engines running and tried to make sure he felt calm and collected. He was about to turn back into the garage when he looked out over to the crowd once more. As he did so he caught the eye of a little boy sat opposite on one of the lower rows, all kitted out in RedBull gear complete with cap. He smiled and waved at him and the little boy looked thrilled, waving back enthusiastically. Sebastian took a few more steps over to where there was a gap in the fencing for people to look out onto the track. As he did so he saw even more people waving. Seb leaned into the gap and looked along the rows giving them all a wave along from one end to the other, gratified to see more responding.

He was just about to step away when Seb was stunned to hear a ripple of applause start and then build through the crowded grandstand. He stared over as the sound registered in his brain, then looked side-to-side down the pitlane to see if there might be something else that was attracting the applause, but there was really no one visible outside the garages in this moment apart from him. They were clapping _him_. For no reason other than he'd come over and acknowledged them. Sebastian didn't think he could recall this ever happening before. He'd had waves, sure, and one-on-one people had been quite keen to see him over the years but not this, not a massed crowd giving their approbation for doing no more than showing his face. It wasn't the chanting and cheering Lewis got, but still...

Seb took a step back and tried not to let himself think too much about what it meant. He couldn't lose himself in worrying what people thought of him, but this was right in front of him. Literally so.

As the noise levelled down Sebastian looked out at the crowd and nodded at them, trying to say thank you. He wished he'd been wearing his cap so he could take it off as a more visible sign of his appreciation. Seb was about to go back in when he paused, looked directly out to the fans opposite and put his hand over his heart for a moment then turned around and walked back into the garage, in danger of allowing himself to be overwhelmed at the show of what he could only think of as unprovoked kindness from a mass of strangers. So what if not every person in that crowd had applauded him? So what if some of them just felt sorry for him after what had happened at Monza? They were being nice and Seb would never be able to tell them just what that meant on this morning of all mornings. Sebastian made sure that no one could see him as he paused in the empty pitlane and closed his eyes for a moment, so touched by their response that Seb worried he might do something really stupid and cry.

 

Seb walked back into the garage and Christian was by his side, a hand on his shoulder. He'd seen what just happened. Everyone in here had.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, I'm... yeah I'm fine.”

Sebastian caught Mark's eye and was glad he was back from whoever he had been speaking to before.

“I think... It's okay if I have a minute, right?”

“Of course.”

Christian let him go and Seb walked into the back, Mark filing in alongside him. As soon as they were away from the hustle of the garage Seb let out a shaky breath. Mark leaned in, his hand on Sebastian's arm.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, that was... I didn't expect that.”

“The crowd.”

“Yeah.”

Mark put his hand on Seb's cheek, sure that it had affected him more than he let on. He gave Sebastian a soft smile thinking how sweet he was and how sad it was that Seb was surprised that people could be on his side.

“It was nice of them.”

“Yeah it was,” concurred Mark. “Not everyone's bad.”

“I know.”

Mark nodded and moved his hand to give Seb a kiss, before trying to think of something settling to say to him.

“You know there's gonna be like, I don't know, two hundred and fifty thousand people here this weekend, and those aresholes this morning only amounted to about a dozen. I know they make up for their lack of numbers in with their profound obnoxiousness, but they're a pretty small percentage of the total.”

Sebastian nodded as he thought about that.

“It's like 0.005%,” Seb noted.

Mark stared at him and then coughed a laugh.

“You just worked that out in your head?”

“Um, well yeah I mean that's rounding it to 12 and a half people, so it's not quite accurate, but...”

Seb frowned as Mark laughed harder.

“What?”

“Oh my god Seb. You think I'm being nice when I say you're smart. That's ridiculous.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It's just half the total then you move the zeros along.”

“Sure. I'll take your word for that mate.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged again.

“I could be wrong.”

“I bet you're not. Anyway a tiny _tiny_ minority and we're not going to worry about them. I think it's pretty clear that your brain is working just fine this morning sweetheart so I think we're good to go, yes?”

“Yes I think so. I'm just going to forget everything else now.”

“Good.”

 

“Who were you on the phone to?” wondered Seb.

“Oh, um well that was your brother.”

“Fabian was calling you?”

Mark saw Seb frowning and knew he would concerned his brother was worrying about him.

“He just rang your phone and it's in your bag.”

“Oh, should I send him a message do you think?”

“He's fine. He said to wish you luck. As did your parents and my parents and half our friends.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You've been talking to everyone?”

“Not everyone, I had a few texts as well.”

Seb let that settle in his mind. Everyone they knew was wishing them well today. People were on their side.

“Okay, well that's nice I guess.”

“Yeah it is, but forgetting everything else, you all set?” Mark checked.

“Yeah I think so.”

Mark raised an eyebrow, pressing him for a firmer response.

“Okay I am, I'm set,” emphasised Seb.

“Good. Straight-forward running this morning, right?”

“Yeah. Nothing complicated.”

“So you'll be fine then.”

“Yeah. I should get going.”

Mark nodded and gave Sebastian a firm hug before they went back through. Seb went off to go have a last few words before climbing into the car and Mark was left twiddling his thumbs. He couldn't tell whether this morning's incident had distracted him from worrying about how Seb was going to do in the car or whether it had left his brain so full up with problems it was past being able to think about any of them.

 

Sebastian paused by his race engineer.

“Ready to go?”

Sebastian gave him a firm nod.

“Plain running okay? We're just looking to test out the car, see where wind affects us, work on the set-up.”

“Right.”

His engineer looked in Seb's eyes. He seemed okay.

“Alright and,” he glanced around and spoke quietly, “and if there's anything, you remember what we said, just say code-whatever. Code-G and I'll give you the gear recommendation, Code-D delta, Code-S speed.”

Seb nodded.

“It's no problem. This is just FP1, it's fine to ask anything,” emphasised his engineer.

“Sure.”

“But I'm sure you won't need to.”

“No. It'll be okay,” Sebastian replied, trying to make sure he sounded totally certain.

“Yes I'm sure.”

His engineer gave him a last nod, already planning to lead his driver through this morning's running as much as possible. He didn't really think Sebastian was likely to forget anything seeing as they'd been over it in detail any number of times now, but he noticed the way Seb repeated those details out-loud back to him when they reviewed their plans. Whether that was to test himself, to remind himself, or whether Seb was trying to prove to them that he had those details in his head he wasn't sure, but as long as they were up there that was all that mattered.

  


  


  


Mark looked up to the television screen in the garage that had been switched on ready for the coverage to start. He tried not to think about what he saw on that screen the last time he was in this setting. It was tuned to SkyF1 and Mark presumed that the BBC only had highlights this time. He hadn't seen DC about the place yet but he knew he was around as Mark had received a couple of texts from him saying they'd have to catch-up. So far Mark had been too involved with Seb, but maybe he'd see him around the RedBull base sometime later.

Someone came over to sort Mark out with his headphones to listen in and he fiddled with those for a few moments whilst keeping half an eye on Seb as he made his final preparations and climbed into the car. Mark wanted to go over again to crouch down beside him as he had done at Silverstone, but this was different. Seb just had to get on with it now. He'd be okay.

The programme introductory titles finished on the TV screen above him and Mark looked away from Seb in the car to see what they were saying. The group of presenters were gathered somewhere in the paddock.

“Good morning or indeed good afternoon everyone, welcome to the Circuit of the Americas in Austin, Texas, for free practice one and the start of this U.S. grand prix weekend where all eyes are on one man as we welcome Sebastian Vettel back to the paddock.”

Simon looked out to the others grouped in front of the camera and addressed Martin Brundle.

“You had a sit down with the man himself yesterday Martin.”

“I did indeed and we'll be seeing that tomorrow. It was a fascinating interview and it should perhaps shed a little light on the journey Seb has had to go on to recover from his accident and return to racing. From what he told me it sounds as though he has had to fight some pretty tough battles to get back here this weekend after his horrendous accident in Monza only eight weeks ago.”

“Which rather makes the incident that occurred at the circuit this morning all the more unfortunate,” added Simon.

“Yes. Deeply unpleasant, but it's my understanding that those professional trouble-makers have been dealt with, so hopefully we can all move on as Sebastian is attempting to this weekend.”

“Absolutely.”

Johnny piped up, “I think Seb will only be interested in how he actually gets on on the track today and not anything else that's going on around here. As someone who's had to fight back from injury to return to racing myself, and I'm pretty sure Martin will agree with me, that's all a driver is focussed on.”

“I'm sure that's true,” concurred Martin. “He seemed very focussed on getting back in the car when I spoke to him and it sounds as though he's had a hard road getting fit to be here. I can't imagine someone with that kind of attitude is going to be distracted by anything as petty as a handful of people attention-seeking at the entrance to the circuit.”

“Well with any luck he may have missed them altogether,” completed Simon.

“He's certainly owed some luck,” agreed Martin.

“Yes indeed, well we have Ted as ever our stalwart in the pitlane. Ted, have you seen Sebastian in the garage?”

 

The shot cut to just outside the garage and Mark glanced over to see the presenter in the pitlane a few feet away, the picture on screen showing the same as Ted spoke.

“Yes, hello everyone from the pitlane at COTA where we have a beautiful morning for FP1. I'm right outside the RedBull garage where Sebastian is ready and waiting to go in his car, seeming keen as mustard to get out on track.”

The camera shot changed to show Seb in the car, his expression calm as he looked ahead. The shot pulled in closer and Mark wished they wouldn't intrude so much. He hoped Seb couldn't see the television from where he sat, even if he must know that the cameras were around.

“If you've been around on Twitter over the past couple of hours you might be forgiven for wondering whether Sebastian might be regretting his decision to come back here, even more so if you saw the mauling he got in the press conference yesterday, but just a few minutes ago I witnessed Seb coming out to greet the fans here in the stands this morning and I'm happy to report that the fans at least have given him a warm welcome back. I don't know if it cheered Seb up, but it certainly made me think a little more charitably about the world,” recounted Ted.

Ted smiled as he continued. “But then I'm not a four-time world champion, so I suspect Sebastian doesn't need any incentive to get back out here and show us what he's made of.”

Mark looked out at the real-life Ted Kravitz, tempted to tell him that they really had no clue what Seb was made of.

“And I think we're about to see that right now as I can hear cars being started up,” noted Ted, “so I'd better get out of the way before I'm mown down despite my lovely hi-vis vest, so I'll hand you over to Crofty in the commentary box.”

Mark looked away as the coverage cut to the empty track. People were stepping back from the cars as both of them prepared to head out and Mark looked over to make sure he was paying attention in case Sebastian looked for him and moments later was glad he had as Seb turned his head and they locked eyes. Mark nodded his head firmly and Seb gave a fractional nod back before decisively shutting his visor and looking away, waiting for the signal that free practice had begun and he could come out onto the track.

 

In the car Sebastian closed his eyes for a fraction of a second and took a steadying breath. Everything had to go away now, even Mark. Now there had to be nothing but him and the car and the voice in his ear. He could do this. He'd done this countless times before. He'd done this last week. Nothing bad was going to happen. He understood what the team needed from him and what the plan was. Seb could hear his heart beating in his ears, could feeling the blood thrumming in his veins, this was the adrenaline he knew, this was it.

“Okay Sebi, you good?” asked Christian via the radio.

“Yep, all good.”

Sebastian looked to the side and got the hand signal from one of his guys. He put his foot down slowly and crawled forwards. All those people, all the fans in the stands, the crazies at the entrance, the media, the team, his family and friends, all the doctors and people who had helped get him here, Mark... All gone now. Now it was just him.

  


He crawled along the pitlane, seeing in his rear-view mirror that Dan was following behind. There was no one in front and Seb realised that he was going to be the first one on track. That was fine though, it meant he had the place to himself. Sebastian didn't allow himself to think about the fact that meant that the camera would be focussing on him, he knew that would be happening anyway. It was a steep run up the hill in the pitlane, then a fairly sharp left turn. Sometimes when you were taking this first corner at speed it felt as though you were going to take off at the end. Not now though. Seb knew he was going slow, but that was fine. This was the plan; slow start, just an exploratory out-lap. Seb ran through the details in his head, testing himself on the details. He could recall the wind-speed, the temperature of the air and the track, each of the corners, how fast he needed to be going just to get started. Seb rounded the second bend and entered the smooth winding part of the circuit.

He checked that Dan was far enough behind and started doing a little weaving across the track to keep the tyres warm. That done Sebastian closed in on the tight hair-pin at turn eleven and pressed on the brakes, trying to make sure he did it smoothly and made the apex at the correct point. It wasn't fast, but it was accurate, that was fine. Onto the next part, the long straight where the first DRS zone was. Sebastian knew he had to put his foot down here. He had to trust, in the car, in the team, in himself. He had to let go his fears. He had to not give any thought whatsoever to how big the run-off was at the end of this part, because the run-off meant nothing to him, he wasn't going anywhere near the run-off. Seb knew that he would be taking the tight inside line by that point, exactly where he'd walked yesterday, looking at the kerb and seeing how much he could clip it to gain maximum advantage.

He took in a breath and pressed down on the accelerator, feeling the car come alive at the touch. It wasn't top speed. He didn't even have DRS yet, but as he picked up pace Sebastian felt pressed back in his car and readied himself for the g-force coming into the corner, hitting the brakes again and turning the car. A couple of puffs of smoke and Seb knew he'd hit the brakes just a little too hard. He released them and started to wind round the bends again.

“Seb have you flat-spotted?” came his engineer's voice, calm to the point of almost sounding conversational.

Sebastian didn't answer for a moment. He couldn't really see from his low position but you could feel these things from the handling of the car. He waited while he travelled a little further round and he could make a judgement.

“No I think we're okay.”

“Good, okay so you're bringing it in for us anyway and we can get a quick look. I think the brakes need a bit more warming up so if you can work on that for the last part of the lap please?”

“Sure.”

Seb wound his way around past the great sweeps of red white and blue at the edge of the track through this section and before he knew it he was taking the slip road and turning into the pitlane and pulling up in his box to halt.

 

At the back of the garage Mark let out a breath he was convinced he had held for the entire lap. When he'd seen that puff of smoke from the brakes as Seb had a minor lock-up at the end of the straight Mark had felt his stomach turn over. But it had been fine. Seb had carried on regardless and when he had spoken on the radio moments later his voice had been completely normal. Mark wondered if Sebastian had even thought about it as being anything other than annoying if he might have potentially damaged his tyres. It certainly didn't sound like it.

Mark took in another breath and pushed it out again, trying to return himself to something approaching to normal. It was good if Seb wasn't bothered by it. That was great actually. It meant he was doing exactly what he needed to; driving totally in the present with no thoughts of anything other than his job. He listened on the radio as Christian took over the comms to speak to Seb.

“Okay Sebi, the guys are just going to give things the once over then we're back out again. How does it feel?”

Sebastian sat keeping the car ticking over while a couple of mechanics dashed out to look at the tyres and gave him the thumbs up to tell him there was only superficial damage.

“Feels good. Bit of a headwind going into turn one.”

“Yeah okay. Dan said the same. He's stayed out, so if you want to try building up a bit then we'll swap onto the primes while we've got the extra set.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian remembered that the plan was to make the most of this first half hour before they had to give up the bonus set of tyres allowed in the regulations during first practice. He put his foot down to pull off again and this time had to pay greater attention as there were more cars in the pitlane now as more teams started their running. The track was going to be busier now. He had to work harder to build up speed whilst managing traffic. That whilst listening to the instructions which started to come over the radio as he came out of the pitlane and immediately took the sharp left again and swept off into another lap, making sure his brakes were properly up to temperature this time and trying to pay closer attention to how the car was responding in the corners and whether he needed to ask for any changes to the set-up the next time he came in.

He had so much occupying his mind that Seb didn't even have room in there to even recognise the fact that all this meant he didn't have time to worry about anything other than the immediate tasks to hand. He carried on around the track, trying to build speed and listening to the instructions in his ear subtly encouraging him and dropping extra hints about what he needed to do. Sebastian knew that they were talking to him more than they usually did and he knew exactly why that was, but it was okay. Maybe he needed that reassurance. If he could just get through FP1 unscathed then he'd drop a few hints of his own that he could get by with less hand-holding from the team. They meant well, but it was getting to the point where it was actually distracting him.

Round and round he went. It was fairly easy stuff really; just getting a little faster and re-familiarising himself with driving on track with more cars about. None of them got too close and Seb wondered whether they were deliberately giving him a wide berth, either because they were being considerate because he was freshly returned or perhaps because they had heard the media suggestions that he might not be as good as he had once been. Either way he tried not to care. More space was good and it helped him to do smoother laps as back-markers jumped out of the way. At least he was going faster than them, that was something.

Seb came back in at the half hour marker to change tyres and sat in the garage discussing what tweaks could be made to help before heading out again to test the changes. When he'd asked the engineers how his times were looking they'd been fairly dismissive, saying that they were still building up. Seb knew that translated to: not great. He had to work on that this go.

 

He pushed harder, trying to line up a few laps to ramp up the speed as he found himself relaxing into knowing the circuit better; where he would feel the forces pull on him through the bends and how it felt as he pressed harder on the straights. He started to risk braking a little later and went wide over the line into the last corner coming up on the pit straight. It woke him up a bit, but Seb knew he had to accept that was part of practice; finding the limits. As long as he kept pushing he'd be okay.

A few more visits to the garage to make a couple of adjustments and Sebastian was finally getting somewhere. The last time he'd been in there Seb had managed to see the leaderboard and his heart had sunk to see how far down he was; fourteenth? Fourteenth wasn't where he belonged. Especially not when Dan was in sixth already. Seb knew that there was still a part of him holding back. It wasn't that he was hesitating to make the moves or to do what he needed to do to control the car. It wasn't that he couldn't remember what to do. That, to his vast relief, wasn't the problem. It was that he was _thinking_ about it. Every part of every lap Sebastian found himself running over every detail in his head to check that it was stored there ready; what gear was next and when he should shift up, what corner came next, where should he brake, what came around the next corner out of sight, who might he be coming up on to overtake. It wasn't, as he had worried it might be, that he would find his head empty, it was that it too full.

Sebastian came up the hill, cresting the horizon that was still perfectly clear blue and knew he had to make his mind more like that. He had to stop thinking so much through and trust that it was there. He had to let it flow through him and know that he could make the car do what it needed to. He had to feel more and think less.

As he slowed into the tight bend Sebastian determined to do just that and see if that didn't give him the results he needed. He just had to let it go and be a part of the car again. Sebastian took in a deep breath and eased out into the bendy section of the track letting himself move slightly from side to side as he did. It wasn't uncomfortable to do so, it was actually kindof fun. Maybe he could even enjoy this if he stopped over-thinking so much?

Three laps more of working on this and Seb asked on the radio how he was doing, a notably happier voice replying.

“Much better actually, do you want to come in and we'll go over it?”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian pulled into the pits and let himself be rolled back into his spot in the garage. His engineers came over to crouch by him in the car while he pulled his visor up.

“So the front-wing adjustment seems to be working. How does the balance feel into one?”

“Good.”

Sebastian waited while them pulled the little screen down for them to review his laps and asked them to show the leaderboard so he could compare his time.

“Ninth is much better,” praised his engineer.

“Mm.”

Dan was still in sixth though and the two Mercedes times were way ahead.

“I'm still two seconds down on Lewis.”

“You and most of the grid. Don't worry about him. Look Dan's on 1.41.552. Let's aim for that, okay?”

“Okay.”

It still meant finding half a second out there.

“We'll put fresh tyres on for this run and see what we can get.”

Sebastian nodded and made ready to set off again. Push harder. _Harder_. Every lap. Don't over-think it, feel it.

  


On his first proper go one of the Force India cars was in his way at the hair-pin into the main straight and Seb knew he'd let it put him off his game. He went again and again, then slowed for a lap to review where he was.

“How are we looking?”

“Better.”

Sebastian looked at the time and tried to recall the time they had said he was aiming for. His last was 1:41.722. and he needed 1:41.5-something. He couldn't remember the rest of the time. Seb tried not to over-react. He was close enough wasn't he? Should he ask or not? Seb didn't want to give any impression that he was having a problem but couldn't he trust them to know he only wanted to do better?

“So, um two-tenths?”

The question was only lightly implied, but they heard it on the radio, replying confidently to try to encourage Sebastian.

“Yes. Focus on the third sector. We've just got a few more laps before these tyres fall off.”

Sebastian nodded internally. He knew that he was relaxing too much at the end of the lap when he was glad it had gone well rather than pushing to the very last. Okay, no more letting off until he'd passed the start-finish. Really hammer it this time and hope no one was in his way coming around.

 

Seb did a smooth lead-in lap, trying to take note of who else was on the track and where they might be as he came round next time; the Sauber was pootling around very slowly and, yes, it was pulling into the pits, the Mercs were already in and the Manors were both in sight so he could take them before he began the lap. Dan was half-way round and his engineer had just confirmed that there weren't too many more on track so that should mean Seb could do what he needed to. Deep breath, the hill in sight ahead. Sebastian shot past the start-finish line, already on the power. He could do this.

 

Barely seconds later it felt as though he was back in the same spot. Weirdly Seb had hardly had to think at all on that lap. The only moment he'd had was going just a bit too hard into the final corner yet again. He had to fix that, but better too hard than too slow.

He got on the radio to check and the tone of voice immediately lifted him.

“Great Sebi. Well done.” Christian's voice not his engineer's. “Come on in.”

 

Sebastian returned to the garage to discuss why he was over-cooking turn twenty, but before he did anything he wanted to see the times. 1:41.489. A smile spread over his face and the engineer nodded approvingly.

“So Dan?”

The engineer shrugged.

“You've both improved.”

Seb looked to see that although he had risen to eighth spot and Daniel had remained in sixth, almost all the times had improved across the board. He was at least closer to the rest of the mid-field including his team-mate even if the top seemed unreachable. Seb looked over the data for a few minutes then Christian came on the radio from his spot on the pitwall.

“Last fifteen minutes for a final push.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian glanced over to his team-mate sat in his car in the spot next to him. They were both running on much the same programme, sat in the same car despite a few individual tweaks. He should be on either the same time or better than Dan. It didn't matter how nice a guy he was, Seb knew he was his marker, his first competition and the most accurate gauge of how well he was doing. At the moment Daniel was two full tenths faster and he had to do something about that.

 

Seb set off back on track and had just put in an out-lap ready to push harder when he saw the yellow flags.

“Ericsson’s broken down on turn eight, virtual safety car's going to be called,” explained the voice in his ear.

“Okay.”

Sebastian took his foot off a little and as they ran to the set speed decreed, he took the car around the circuit, once, twice, three times. He could see several cars ahead doing the same and Dan was in his rear-view mirrors. Time was ticking down and they were losing their last chances to improve. It was frustrating, but given time to think while they drove slowly, Seb knew that this was the right thing to do. It was to ensure the safety not only of the drivers but the marshals. The guys that put their own lives on the line to help them. Seb knew how much they were worth. No point getting worked up when this was just how things had to be. It wasn't Ericsson’s fault if the car had stopped on track. No doubt he was more annoyed than anyone else.

He sighed inside his helmet. Tick, tick, tick. They had brought out the tractor to pull the stranded car from the gravel and that was why it was taking longer, but at least it was far enough over to be safely out of the way.

“How much more time to we have?” Seb checked.

“Five minutes.”

Damn.

Another lap and the track was clear to run at full speed again, but there was too much traffic about and before Seb was clear and could really get to build some decent speed back up the chequered flag was waved and time was up. He pushed as much as he could on that final lap, knowing all the while that it wasn't really going to come off. As instructed, Seb pulled up on the grid to practice doing a start. Then that was it and he had to come back in. It felt as though the session had been over far too fast for him to really get back to where Seb knew he ought to be and as he crawled in the queue of cars along the long pitlane, Seb hoped that the team wouldn't be too disappointed in him. At least he hadn't forgotten anything terrible and he had managed to make some progress. Perhaps in FP2 he could do better?

  


Sebastian halted outside his garage and the team swung into action, the mechanics fitting the dolly underneath and pushing him back into his spot. Seb took in a deep breath and thought that at least it was done. As long as he worked with them now he'd do better next go and the team ought to accept that, surely?

He released the seatbelts, pulled off his helmet and ruffled his squashed down hair as soon as he'd tugged the fireproof cowl off as well. Knowing that the cameras were about, Seb fixed on a smile and climbed out of the car, ready to say a few words to the guys waiting all around him when he was taken aback by a spontaneous outbreak of applause from the whole team in the garage.

Seb opened his mouth and shut again, incapable of thinking of any kind of response. He caught Mark's eye and saw he was clapping too. Mark was smiling, despite the fact that the last hour and a half had been just as torturous as he'd expected. Seb smiled back and looked into Mark's eyes to stop himself from welling up as he feared he might. He couldn't do that or the whole place would think he was some kind of emotional basket-case like the media seemed to think he would be now.

He looked away from Mark, back to the mechanics around him who were stopping their applause now. Seb nodded at them and the rest of the garage, then pulled himself together.

“Thanks, I...”

He shrugged and shook his head. There was nothing to be said. Sebastian looked over to the side and saw that Christian had appeared now as well and was heading over. He pulled Seb into a startlingly firm hug and as he let him go Sebastian almost laughed.

“It's just FP1.”

Christian smiled back. It _wasn't_ just that and the whole place knew it.

“You did great Seb, really great.”

“Um, thanks. Only eighth though. I did stay in eighth didn't I?”

“You did. Eighth is fantastic.”

Seb raised an eyebrow. Eighth wasn't fantastic in his book.

“I should be higher than that,” he protested.

Christian nodded. Just so long as Seb felt he could do better, then that was the right attitude.

“Right, well let's work on that then,” agreed Christian. He eyed Mark and indicated over slightly with his head. “Do you want a moment before we get working on it?”

“Oh um, I'm okay,” Sebastian insisted.

“I think Mark might want a quick word,” noted Christian quietly.

Sebastian looked over and knew that Mark must have struggled watching him through that.

“Yeah actually, just a moment then,” he agreed.

As Christian went over to talk to Dan who was now pulled up in the garage as well, Sebastian thanked the rest of his guys then walked over to Mark.

 

Mark smiled to see Seb coming his way. Seb was already undoing his race-suit and tying the arms around his waist.

“Do you want to step out back a sec?” Seb asked.

“Sure.”

Once in the rear part of the garage Mark puffed out a breath and gave a little laugh as relief flowed through him.

“You okay?” checked Seb.

Mark nodded then gave him a hug, holding onto Seb for a moment before letting go.

“Fine now,” he assured. “You gave me a few moments there.”

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head. It was just how things were.

“I know I kept screwing up on the last corner. I need to work on it.”

“Don't worry about it. You really did great.”

Seb glanced back towards the garage.

“I really should get on. We need to review stuff.”

“Sure.”

Mark didn't want to ask, but he couldn't help himself.

“And no problems or anything?”

He'd hadn't detected anything on the radio, but Mark wanted reassurance.

“No. Well not really. I couldn't quite recall Dan's time, I mean I knew it sort of, but not all the way down.”

Mark furrowed his brow, trying to work out what Seb was saying.

“I mean I knew it was 1.41.5-something, but I couldn't remember exactly...”

Seb was interrupted by Mark laughing.

“Oh my god Seb, you're kidding?” Mark shook his head. “Listen sweetheart, if the worst you can't remember is how many hundredth of a second a lap-time was, I really think we're doing okay, yeah?”

Seb managed to smile back.

“Yeah I guess.”

Mark gave his arm a rub.

“Your problem mate is that you set yourself ridiculously high standards. Do you know how thrilled the team are with you getting right back into the game like that?”

Seb scrunched his face.

“Eighth though.”

“Is awesome. Is ahead of twelve other drivers who haven't been out for the last three races.”

 _Who weren't nearly killed_ _i_ _n terrifying crashes and haven't been to hell and back ever since,_ Mark didn't finish.

“Yeah I suppose.”

Seb took in a deep breath.

“It was nice what they did just then and the crowd before, that was...”

He shrugged and Mark nodded.

“They all want you to do well.”

Seb let that settle. People wished him well. Not just family and friends, all kinds of people. He'd done okay and his brain hadn't let him down as he had feared it might. With that knowledge couldn't he only go up from here?

“I've got to get on.”

“Of course,” nodded Mark. “Shall I hang on here?”

“No that's okay. You go back. I want to work on a few things, then I'll come over for lunch.”

“You're sure?”

Sebastian knew Mark was still worrying about media pouncing on him in the paddock.

“It's fine Liebling, Britta'll be with me, okay?”

Mark nodded. Seb really did seem okay and he had to let him get on.

“Righto.”

Mark leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“No rush. Think I'll hang out in hospitality, watch the world go by.”

“Okay, see you in a bit.”

Seb went back into the garage and Mark turned the other way to head back to the RedBull base, hoping that if they treated today more like normal it might start to feel that way.

  


  


  


  


A little while later Sebastian was sat by Mark at a table back at the base, half trying to get some food down and half replying to all the messages he'd missed on his phone from earlier to let them all know he was fine. He texted his sisters and Jenson, as well as ringing his parents, smiling at Mark as his little brother ran on about how he'd known all along that Seb would be fine. As he hung up and put the phone down on the table Sebastian smiled over at Mark.

“It really was good of you to call them earlier.”

Mark shrugged. Anything else simply hadn't occurred to him.

“I didn't want to leave them fretting.”

“No, well I know they appreciate it, so thank you.”

Mark's phone buzzed and he pulled it out to look at a message, chuckling a little to himself.

“What?”

“Dad says to say well done and that Mum would do the same but she's fallen asleep on the sofa.”

“What time is it there?”

Mark checked his watch and worked it out.

“Just gone four in the morning.”

“Oh my god, they're sitting up to watch?”

“Well it would seem that my mum has bailed, but yeah.”

“Your parents are so nice,” praised Seb.

Mark reached over his hand to put it over Seb's

“They just wanted to keep an eye on you, make sure you got on alright.”

“Well tell them I appreciate it and I'll try to do better in FP2.”

Mark nodded.

“I'm sure Mum will rally to see you through when it starts.”

Sebastian finished off his meal half watching while Mark texted a reply. All these people on his side. Unbelievable really.

  


 

  


  


Once back in the garage Seb set about going over everything again to try to improve from FP1. Now that they had the first session out of the way it felt as though the whole garage had let out a breath and started to relax into the work they needed to do. There had been some press around in the paddock when they had crossed back and forth but Britta had hustled them through so quickly that Seb hadn't even had to say no comment.

As he started with second practice Seb was feeling less pressured than before and thought he might be starting to ease more into it, but there were several more yellow flags as various other cars had issues on track holding things up and it disrupted everyone's programme. Seb worked hard to not let it put him off and listened to the instructions over the radio as they rapidly revised their plans. Sebastian had braved telling them that he didn't need quite so many pointers and had been relieved when their reaction had been merely to nod and carry on without making a big deal of it. He knew that if he really did need help he could ask, but Mark was right; He had to get some perspective on all this, if the worst he forgot was such a fractional detail as before, then he was really doing pretty well. The bigger issue was really getting higher up that leaderboard.

He went in and out of the garage, continuing to try to find ways to improve. Mid-way through the session there was a red-flag as Grosjean clipped his own team-mate coming out of the pitlane. Maldonado had slowed and cut too deep turning in ready for the corner at the top of the hill and although it hadn't been a high-speed crash there was a lot of debris from the two damaged front wings spread over the track so all the cars came back into the pits while it was cleared up.

  


Mark watched as Seb stayed in the car, discussing yet another tweak, trying to tell himself that it was good he was plugging away, but all Mark could really think about was how relieved he was that it hadn't been Seb's car that was involved. It hadn't been an especially big crash, although Mark knew too well that all crashes were dangerous. No doubt over in the Lotus garage they were more upset at their afternoon being ruined in one fell swoop more than anything else, but Mark's heart had jumped hard at the commentators saying that there had been a crash before identifying who had been involved. The FOM camera had been following Rosberg at the time and Mark hadn't taken another breath until it cut to show a replay showing who was involved. Even if it had been a minor scrape Mark knew he would not have coped if it had been Seb.

The red-flag came in and the cars went back out, Seb concentrating on testing how the car did with the latest changes and seeing if his times improved, Mark looking at the pictures of the track at the top of the hill to see if there were any leftover bits of debris that Seb might go over. He shook his head at himself as soon as Sebastian went by unaffected. Mark knew he was going to drive himself demented if he let himself obsess over every tiny detail. He puffed out a breath and wondered whether he might not have been better off hidden away in Sebastian's room watching this. But then he couldn't do that. Seb needed to know he was here even if he barely had chance to look over he was so busy. Mark just had to tough it out and try to pay more attention to what speed Sebastian was clocking rather than counting down the minutes until the session was over and he would be safely out of the car again.

Ten minutes later Seb was back in the garage. The latest changes had actually made the car _slower_ rather than faster and he'd made the call to revert back before they went on a long-run to see how the tyres fared. Sebastian knew that the lap times on this run were graduated to give the team the data they needed. He couldn't press to go faster when that wasn't what they wanted even though Seb was frustrated that he still hadn't improved on this morning's time. He had to put that to one side and remember that there were no points awarded on Fridays. The team wanted to find out all they could to prepare for the race when there really _were_ points to be won. So that was what he had to concentrate on too. Seb knew he simply had to keep his head down and get on with it.

  


By the end of second practice Sebastian climbed out of the car to nods from the team rather than the applause of the morning, but he couldn't take that badly. Seb knew that this was more about just getting on with it. Things had settled down now and that was good. He only had time for a nod and a smile over at Mark before going to join in the review to see if there were things they could pick up in FP3 tomorrow. Sebastian tried to concentrate on what they were saying but as he looked at the times again he wondered whether that journalist yesterday hadn't been right; Maybe he would just have to re-set his expectations now. It was his first weekend back. Perhaps he had to accept that top ten wasn't so very terrible in the circumstances?

Britta came over to say that they had to go get their media obligations out of the way so Seb left things as they were until they could do more of a debrief later on. He walked up to Mark.

“Hey.”

“Hey, well done.”

Seb gave a half-shrug.

“Didn't quite go to plan.”

“Not your fault. Don't worry about it. Only FP2 right?”

“Sure, I guess. Anyway I've got to go do some media.”

“Ah.”

Seb nodded.

“So umm...”

“I'll head over. You coming straight back or taking a break first.”

“I'll have a break.”

“Good. Okay well...”

Mark looked to Britta who was standing expectantly a few feet away.

“You'll be fine, right?” he checked.

Sebastian nodded.

“I'm not answering any stuff on what happened this morning. Britta says she's already warned people off.”

“Right. Well no worries then. I'll push off.”

Mark leant in and kissed Seb on the cheek before walking out with them and Seb smiled to think that Mark hadn't hesitated to do that there in the garage rather than waiting to come out the back.

 

Before they went out into the paddock Britta went over a few pointers for him and Sebastian set himself up to face the crowd, hoping that they would behave themselves. As he reached the spot where they were gathered Seb set his shoulders and dived in, remembering that he was only meant to be answering questions on his driving.

Most of the media were obedient enough, asking if he was happy with how the day had gone and allowing Seb to say that he was reasonably happy but was hopeful of making more improvements tomorrow. Several managed to work in questions about whether he had been distracted by other 'goings on,' but Seb swept past them with some fairly abrupt 'no's. As Britta had told him; if he let himself be drawn on the subject as it would only feed their interest. Most of the television interviewers kept things to the point and Sebastian thought he was getting a little better at not being intimidated by all the microphones being shoved under his nose at once, even though he knew that he'd been here so many times the idea of him being intimidated should be ridiculous.

A few of the newspaper reporters were more blunt, asking him directly if he had seen the protesters this morning and what he thought of it, but Seb refused to give them anything other than, 'I'm here talking about my driving,' and he didn't care if that came across as rude when he thought it was pretty rude of them to bring the matter up in the first place.

“But surely it must have affected you?” pressed one woman.

Seb looked at her and a part of him wanted to tell her that he was more bothered by the fact that he wasn't sure whether he ought to know her name or not.

“I am fully focussed on the job in hand. I don't have time for any distractions,” he replied.

“So did you see it or not?”

“Next question,” interrupted Britta.

Sebastian caught her eye and wanted to smile. Britta wasn't taking any shit this weekend. The more you pushed her the tougher she got. He was glad she was by his side.

  


  


Mark sat in Seb's room watching the television. The coverage kept cutting from discussions and analysis with the presenters to showing the reaction from each driver as they got it. Mark was glad to see that they were being reasonably fair towards Seb, saying that whilst unspectacular, his driving today did at least show that he was settling back in.

“There's more of a test tomorrow in qualifying,” noted Martin, “but from where I stood on turn six earlier, Seb certainly wasn't lifting much, so hopefully that should lay to rest any of the derogatory comments from some quarters about him losing his nerve behind the wheel after the accident. The real test of course is on Sunday. I think we'd do well to hold off judgement until then.”

“Quite so, well we have the man himself now to give his own view.”

The shot changed to show Sebastian and Mark sat up a little more to watch as the interviewer behind the camera asked their questions.

“Sebastian, how was it getting back out there today?”

“Good thank you.”

“Was it a matter of simply business as usual?”

“Um yeah pretty much. It was shame we had interrupted running this afternoon but we weren't looking exclusively for time today.”

“So you aren't disappointed to be so far down?”

Mark scowled at the screen. Eighth wasn't 'so far down'. Eighth was way more impressive in the circumstances than anyone seemed to be recognising.

Sebastian's face was impassive.

“No, like I say it wasn't all about the timing screen today. I'm happy we had a clean run and we got the chance to work on a few things with the car.”

“So you're looking forward to tomorrow?”

“Absolutely.”

“And hopefully tomorrow you won't have the kind of start you did today.”

“Sorry?”

Sebastian missed what they were getting at initially but Britta didn't. She glared at the presenter who instantly back-tracked.

“I mean, any, well, unfortunate external distractions shouldn't be repeated. There was a statement from the track.”

Sebastian caught what she meant now.

“Oh, well sure.”

He glanced at Britta. She hadn't mentioned any official statement. All he had been told was that it was sorted and they were going to make sure that security was stepped up to prevent any more problems.

“I'm just looking forward to getting back in the car and working on making more improvements ready for quali,” finished Seb.

 

Mark sat back, nodding approval at the screen. Seb hadn't been drawn. All he could do was keep pulling things back to talking about driving the car and working with the team. Maybe the press would give up if they knew they weren't going to get anything? He'd watched as several other drivers had been asked about the demonstrators this morning and most had brushed past it quickly, clearly briefed by their PR minders to do just that. One or two had commented that it wasn't good, but carefully gave no opinion other than that. The screen moved back to the presenters again, now analysing Lewis's fastest lap on the Skypad and Mark considered switching the TV off, but he left it on to distract him while he waited for Seb to come back.

He was just stretching over to reach for his water bottle on the side when Lewis himself came on, happily talking about his successful running today when the interviewer ran the question by him.

“So did you see the demonstration outside the track this morning?”

Mark took a drink as Lewis paused, the cogs clearly whirring in his head as he considered whether to stick to the party line and avoid the topic or to speak his mind.

“Yes I did.”

“And what did you think?”

“Well obviously it's not something you want to see at races,” Lewis offered with a glance to his minder who had advised him to say as much.

“Of course not, but do you have an opinion on it?”

“On what?”

“On them, particularly seeing as...” the presenter drifted off as if already regretting taking this turn.

Lewis looked at them and raised his eyebrow challengingly.

“Particularly because what? Because I'm open about my religious beliefs?”

“Well...”

Lewis scoffed and shook his head.

“I've got _nothing_ in common with those people. I don't even think they're Christians. They're just a bunch of losers with hate for a hobby.”

There was a shocked silence everywhere apart from Mark who nearly choked on the gulp of water he'd just taken.

The interviewer recovered themselves.

“That's a strong opinion.”

Lewis had a look on his face that suggested he already knew he'd done it now and might as well go all in.

“You think so? I go to church when I can. I read the bible. I'm pretty sure 'hate thy neighbour' wasn't one of the ten commandments.”

  
Mark swallowed the water in his mouth down and stared at the screen hardly believing his ears.

“Oh fuck. _Lewis_. Bloody hell mate,” he breathed.

The look on Lewis' PR assistant to his side said much the same thing. There was a tumult of follow up questions from the media pressed in but Lewis was whisked away before he could dig himself any deeper.

Mark sat back and puffed out a breath, still amazed at what he'd just seen and heard.

  


  


A few minutes later Sebastian came into the room and as soon as Mark had checked that he was alright he moved on.

“Have you heard about Lewis?”

Seb frowned.

“What do you mean?”

Mark pulled a face.

“Mate seriously, I think we owe him a drink.”

They sat down on the bed as Mark recounted what had gone on, Sebastian looking more and more amazed.

“Oh god. His team are going to kill him.”

“I know. Not just them. I mean he's going to get some serious heat from all the nutters on Twitter and god knows where else now too.”

“I should call him.”

Seb found his phone and dialled only for it to go straight to voicemail, so he left a quick message.

“Hey, so um, I heard what happened with the interview and honestly I'm not sure what to say other than I hope you're okay and... well, thank you for saying what I couldn't. I guess I'll see you later at the briefing.”

Seb hung up and shrugged at Mark.

“I don't know what there is to say.”

“Not much. The papers are going to love this.”

“Mmm.”

“I'm not sure he hasn't just gone and given them the publicity those idiots wanted, but he has pretty much thrown himself under a bus for us, so...”

“Yeah. Oh well. I'd better get a shower, then I have the debrief, then the driver meeting, then, pfffft...”

“Lie down at the hotel.”

Seb smiled and let out a sigh.

“Yep. That sounds perfect Liebling.”

  


 

 

  


Mark found DC hanging around in RedBull hospitality and after Seb had said hello and few brief shaken heads between all three of them at the trouble Lewis had just waded into, Seb headed off with Britta leaving Mark to sit and chat with him.

“So Seb seems okay,” noted David.

“Mm.”

“Mm?”

David raised his eyebrows.

“That mean he's not?”

Mark took a sip of his drink as he looked at him.

“Am I talking to you or am I talking to the media here?”

“You're talking to me,” replied David.

“Yes?”

“Yes, come on, I've known you guys a long time. I'm not going to stitch you up. Especially not now.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Oh so you would have before?”

“That's not what I meant.”

“I know. Alright, sorry.” Mark huffed out a breath. “Honestly I should be amazed he's managing so well today, but when I think about it I'm really not, because this is what Seb does; he manages. No matter how tough it gets, he's tougher.”

He looked at David.

“I know he doesn't look it, but he is, he's tough.”

DC nodded.

“You walk away from a crash like that you'd have to be.”

“He didn't walk away from it,” stopped Mark.

They looked at one another for a moment as David realised what he'd said.

“Shit, sorry that was really badly put. I meant to come back, to go racing again.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, sorry I'm kind of over-sensitive right now.”

“JB said, well he said you'd had a really difficult time.”

Mark wondered precisely what Jenson had told David, but he had to trust that he had only given their mutual friend an overview.

“Seb's the one who's had the difficult time. I've just had to watch.”

“I'm guessing that was difficult too?”

“Yeah. Today as well. I'm climbing the walls in the garage to be honest. Having to watch him get back in the car, every time he has the slightest lock-up into a corner, when he goes just an inch wide of the track...”

Mark shook his head and took in a deep breath. He looked at DC.

“This goes no further?”

“I promise.”

“It's a good job those arseholes were at the gate this morning not tonight, cos frankly I'd probably get out and break those shitty signs over their heads.”

David smiled, but he knew it wasn't a joke.

“Yeah. So you did see them then?”

Mark shrugged.

“Officially; no comment. Unofficially...” Mark trailed off, then sighed before continuing, a more angry note in his voice as he remembered.

“Never mind the bloody signs and banging on the sodding car. You know what they said?”

DC shook his head, already horrified to hear that much.

“They shouted at him that it was God's will he crashed, that he should have died.”

Mark's voice went tight and his jaw set. DC sat opposite him looking shocked.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. So if we're asking how he's doing today...”

Mark shook his head sadly.

David nodded. He'd had no idea from what had been officially reported that it had gotten that nasty out there this morning.

“Bloody hell. I'm sorry.”

“Me too. Actually I'm mostly sorry that I _didn't_ get out and break those signs over a few heads while I had the chance. But that's what I mean. After that and with everything else going into this weekend, Seb gets in the car and drives. If you think it doesn't affect him you're out of your mind, but even with all that he still does what he needs to do.”

Mark gave DC a little smile as he thought about it.

“And afterwards, you know what his main problem is when he talks to me?”

“What?”

“Why he isn't higher than eighth and how he needs to get back with the team to try to improve before trying again after lunch.”

David sat back in his seat.

“Wow. Well...”

“So you see what I mean when I say he's tough.”

David nodded thoughtfully, then replied.

“You know I wish I could actually tell them all that, you know on TV.”

He held up his hand before Mark could say anything.

“I'm not going to, but if more people knew... I don't know... More that goes on, what he's made of.”

Mark shook his head.

“If everyone knew how it really affected him I don't think he'd be able to do it. He has to, I don't know, Seb has to have that wall. It's how he survives. That's what he is, Seb, he's a survivor.”

DC could tell there was more to that statement than Mark was really letting on, but now wasn't the time to ask more. Jenson had told him that they'd both been much better when he'd seen them recently but before that he'd dropped some pretty dark hints about the state Mark had been in when he'd turned up to race right here in Austin in September only to have to go home again. DC had tried ringing Mark but got no answer, getting a text back instead telling him Seb was doing better now he was resting at home, but not much more than that. When David had tried Jenson again all he had said was that Sebastian was in a pretty bad way and Mark needed to be home with him. DC suspected he knew more but didn't want to be pushed, so he left it and reverted back to sending the occasional text to the pair without expecting much of a response.

 

“Yeah I guess you're right there,” confirmed David.

DC gave an ironic smile.

“You know those numpties out there. I mean we're working from the standing start that they're pretty thick to begin with, but if their argument is that what happened was God's will, then perhaps you should have pointed out that seeing as Seb's alive and well maybe that should tell them something.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Maybe I should. Hopefully they won't be back to give me that opportunity.”

“Way I heard it they were chucked off, seeing as it's private land, and the only other place to stand out there is the road outside and that's a pretty busy highway with no pavements.”

“Sounds the perfect spot for them,” commented Mark grimly, but he smiled when DC did.

 

They chatted on a lighter note for a little while longer before DC explained that he had a production meeting to prepare for the next day and Mark decided he'd stroll down to the garage to walk with Seb over to the drivers' briefing. When Mark reported that the paddock was fairly quiet this late on Britta was finally persuaded to allow them to walk there without her guarding them, secretly not unhappy to get a bit of time to herself when today had been pretty hellish for her too. Dan tagged along, walking on the other side of Seb, making him feel oddly as though bigger kids were walking him to school even though his team-mate was younger than him.

  


Mark waited around in the corridor outside the room where the meeting was taking place. Several more drivers passed by as they had got there fairly early for once, wanting to make sure Sebastian would be here in good time. Fernando gave him a nod and said hello before going in and sitting in the same row with Seb, Dan and Lewis. Mark had glanced into the room as the door opened, unable to stop himself from checking that Sebastian was sat with some friendly faces but he knew he had to back off and leave him to it, so he took a wander down the corridor, deciding to look for a bathroom while he was here after drinking that coffee with DC.

Mark was approaching the door to the bathroom when he saw none other than Sergio Perez walking out. On seeing him all Mark could think of was how often he had given Seb a hard time in these briefings when he was already struggling. Mark stepped into his path. Perez tried to step to one side to avoid him but Mark moved over and glared at him.

“You so much as _look_ at him this weekend and I swear to god...” Mark warned.

Perez looked up at him and took a half-step backwards, unable to think what to say in his defence. Mark raised a challenging eyebrow and Sergio mumbled something about 'not going to' before side-stepping him and scuttling away. Mark puffed out a breath and settled himself. Maybe he shouldn't have done that but he couldn't help himself. He went into the bathroom and went over to the sinks to throw some water on his face.

He looked up at himself and wondered if he was handling this worse than Seb was. At least Seb had the advantage of activity to occupy his brain to push the worries away. Mark knew he had another two days of this hell and he hardly knew how he was meant to get through it.

  


  


At the end of the meeting Seb sat back in his seat and hid the sigh of relief he let out that the meeting had gone okay. He'd tried not to allow worries about how this was going to go creep in, but the idea that his fellow drivers might renew previous objections about his seeing a psychiatrist or mention whether his injury might mean he wasn't safe to be on track as some in the media had, but there had been nothing. Several drivers had said hello and a few others at least given him a nod and he appreciated the acknowledgement. He'd been sat between Daniel and Lewis with Fernando alongside and though he knew that was due at least in part to Mark, he was still thankful for the demonstration of support. As people got up to leave Seb took a moment to give Fernando a nod of thanks. He'd already said how glad he was to see him back and Sebastian was sure he was sincere, but their relationship was always going to be a little awkward. Daniel had dashed off to go do some publicity in the city centre for the team and Seb reminded himself to thank him again for taking up the strain this weekend.

Lewis gave him a clap on the shoulder.

“Alright then?”

“Course. You're really okay, you know with what happened with the press?”

Lewis shrugged, they'd already spoken on it briefly before the meeting started.

“Me and my big mouth you mean? Yeah well the team weren't exactly thrilled but fuck 'em.”

Sebastian's eyebrows shot up and Lewis laughed.

“Not the team. Ha, no, they'll get over it. No I mean _them_ , those guys this morning.”

“Ah.”

“They're just bigots. You know if it wasn't this it'd be something else right?”

“I guess. You're not worried they'll have a go at you now?”

“People like that. You think they liked me to begin with?”

“Spose not.”

Sebastian thought about it and considered how much he and Lewis had in common.

“You had... years ago I remember something, wasn't it Spain, some people in the crowd...?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sorry. You know I don't think I said anything at the time. I wish I had.”

Lewis shrugged.

“It's probably more sensible not to but I've never been all that good at being sensible. I've told you, I'm not a very good actor. I've got a bad habit of saying what I think and more often than not it gets me in trouble, but I can't pretend I'm not who I am.”

“It's a pretty brave way to be.”

“I think my PR guys might disagree, but I've told them I won't back down on what I said.”

“Well thank you.”

“I mean I probably shouldn't say any more unless I want to make Toto really mad at me.”

“He was angry?”

Lewis shrugged.

“He just said we could do without it.”

“What about Paddy?”

Lewis smiled.

“Paddy's known me too long to expect any different. It's fine. It'll blow over. It always does.”

“And Niki?” asked Seb thinking he wouldn't much fancy facing his wrath.

Lewis shrugged.

“Niki doesn't care about any of that sort of bullshit.”

“What about you though? Aren't you going to get some hate-mail now?”

Lewis gave him a look.

“You think I don't get that already? You should see my Twitter some days.”

“You're kidding?”

“Fraid not. I understand why you're not on there. I mean there's loads of really great people on there who just want to say nice normal fan stuff, but my block button is pretty heavily used.”

“Well I'm sorry if I'm adding to it.”

“Nah. If I let that get to me I'd never get anywhere. I've had faced prejudice my whole life in this game in one way or another. Ten years old and they looked at me and my dad like I had some kind of audacity just to turn up and race. Fuck 'em.”

Seb smiled.

“Maybe I just need to have the guts to stand up to it more?”

“I think you stand up to it plenty. You do the talking out on track, which is what I usually try but sometimes,” Lewis shrugged, “someone hits a nerve and my mouth works faster than my brain.”

 

Sebastian nodded. Lewis was like him and not like him. There was an impulsiveness he lacked, a freedom and slightly different attitude to risk. Maybe the fact Lewis had never been able to hide what made him different had made him this way. Seb wondered if he might learn to be more like that as time went on, or if it was just a matter of personality.

“Well either way I wanted to say thanks.”

“No problem. I'm glad things went okay on track for you, pretty much anyway.”

“Thanks. Not, you know, great but...”

Seb shrugged.

“First day right?”

“Yeah.”

“So you go from here.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Sebastian glanced towards the door, realising that everyone else was long gone and Mark must be wondering what the hell he was doing in here.

“I should go, Mark's out there.”

Lewis nodded and they walked out. Mark was leaning against the wall a few feet along the corridor and stood upright to meet them as soon as he saw them walking out.

“Hey Mark,” Lewis greeted.

“Hey.”

Mark looked to Seb who nodded to tell him everything was fine. They walked along to the exit together.

“Lewis I wanted to say, I saw that interview.”

The other two laughed and Mark looked surprised.

“Sorry, we were just talking about it,” Sebastian explained.

“Oh I see, well anyway, I wanted to say thanks.”

Lewis nodded.

“No problem.”

“You're not going to be in trouble?”

“Nothing new.” Lewis smiled. “You know what? If you're pissing those kind of people off, you know you're doing something right.”

Mark nodded and Seb smiled.

“Maybe if I get asked again I should just say that?”

“Yeah maybe,” Mark agreed. “You wanna get out of here?”

“God yes.”

They reached the door at the end of the corridor and walked back along the paddock, saying goodbye to Lewis as he went off into the Mercedes base while they walked on to the RedBull one to fetch their belongings to head back to the hotel accompanied by Britta.

As they drove out of the circuit all three of them tried not to look too hard at the spot where the trouble had occurred that morning. They just had to do their best to wipe it from their minds.

  


  


 

  


As soon as they were back in their room the pair of them flopped bodily onto the bed, then turned in to face one another.

“Tired?” asked Mark.

“Oh my god, I'm so done. This is ridiculous. I don't always feel this knackered on a Friday do I?” asked Seb, trying to think back to what seemed a different age.

“Don't think so. Not sure I'm normally this bad either.”

Mark chuckled to himself.

“Tell you what though, I reckon you could make Lewis your spokesman and save yourself all the energy of doing any press tomorrow.”

Sebastian laughed back and Mark smiled at him, placing his hand at the side of his face.

“You did so good today darling. I'm really proud of you.”

Seb scrunched his face and went to speak but Mark moved his hand to lightly place his fingers on Seb's lips.

“No. Don't give me that eighth isn't good enough crap. You made a great start today.”

Seb went to say something in protest but Mark looked at him firmly, so Seb kissed his fingers to persuade him to remove them.

“Thank you.”

“Tomorrow will be better.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh.

“Well I don't think we could have a worse start than we did today.”

“They won't let it happen again.”

Sebastian bit his lip, so Mark repeated himself.

“They won't be back, okay sweetheart? None of the organisers want to let that happen again. They'll have made sure of it.”

Seb nodded as he tried to make reason overtake his worries.

“Yeah, okay. You know it'll be all over the papers.”

“We're not going to look at them.”

“No, spose not.”

Sebastian shuffled himself right up to Mark.

“I'm so glad you were with me.”

Mark ran his hand along Sebastian's arm. He didn't want to think what this morning would have been like for Seb to have faced alone. Thank god he'd been with him.

“I wouldn't be anywhere else,” he promised.

 

Seb covered the couple of inches between them and kissed him, relaxing as Mark put his arms around him. Seb sighed as he moved away.

“I'm pretty happy today is over,” he admitted.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian ran his hand along Mark's side.

“You did great too.”

Mark laughed.

“At what? Standing around in the garage?”

“At supporting me. Looking after my family worrying. And yes standing back when I'm pretty sure that wasn't easy.”

“No, well...”

“I'm sorry if I did anything that scared you when I was driving.”

Mark shook his head.

“No, you did good. You can't think like that. You can't make progress without pushing a bit.”

“I guess. I know you'd probably be happier if I didn't keep going off at the last turn.”

Mark gave a shrug of one shoulder.

“I think you'd be happier too.”

“Mm.”

“You'll fix it tomorrow.”

“Hopefully. Is it terrible if I admit I wasn't thinking of you at the time?”

Mark shook his head.

“No. That's as it should be. I don't want you thinking about me in the car.”

“Okay.”

 

Seb stroked at hand over the hair at Mark's temple. He peered over, then sent him a teasing smile.

“I'm just checking for any new grey hairs.”

“Yeah well you know who gives me them?”

“Sorry.”

Mark gave him a quick kiss.

“No, it's okay. They're worth it. Look sweetheart you could sit safely in the garage all day and I wouldn't be worried, but then it wouldn't do us any good would it?”

“Guess not. So you don't want me sitting safe in the garage then?”

“Well I'm not saying it isn't more relaxing for me when you're there, but if you're not going to be driving I think I'd rather have you safe in here instead.”

Sebastian started laughing.

“Am I gonna wake up and find that door barred in the morning?”

“Don't give me ideas.”

Mark smiled and they both knew that they were joking.

“Right. Okay before we fall asleep here, food?” prompted Mark.

“Yeah. Room service okay?”

“Room service is fine.”

“Great. I can bar the door after.”

“Okay Liebling, but wait till we put the empty plates out first.”

“Sure.”

 

They sat up and Mark was just about to ask what Seb wanted to eat when he looked at him, a more serious expression on his face.

“Mark.”

“Hm?”

Sebastian regarded Mark for a moment, trying to work out if he was only adding to his fears, but he had promised to be honest.

“Sometimes with the press there are reporters asking me questions and I look at them and I'm not sure if I'm meant to know their names. I know their faces most of the time, but...”

He shrugged uncomfortably and Mark sighed, shifting up right next to him to give Seb a hug.

“You've been worrying about that?”

“A bit. I know most of the main ones, the TV guys and that, but some of the journalists I'm not sure of.”

Mark shook his head.

“It doesn't matter. I mean I know it's not nice, but in the scale of things.”

“Yeah okay.”

Seb knew it was more unsettling than any kind of genuine problem.

“You don't need to know everyone's name,” reminded Mark.

“I'm not sure if I did before or not.”

“No, well. Try not to worry about it, alright sweetheart?”

“'kay.”

“I'm glad you said.”

Sebastian felt oddly better for it as well.

“Yeah. Okay thanks. I guess there's worse things.”

“Yeah.”

Mark didn't want to think what those things were.

“Food then?”

Seb nodded.

Food, Mark, sleep. Enough to get him through. Tomorrow _had_ to be better.

  


  


 

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were you expecting an easy first weekend back for them? Sorry...


	99. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave - Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturday. Yeah it's a long weekend for them.

* * *

 

 

 

The next morning they drove in early to the track once again, Britta, Mark and Seb each in the same positions they had been in the day before and all three trying not to let themselves worry that there would be a repeat of yesterday. Despite every bit of assurance that the matter had been dealt with, they all found themselves holding their breath as they turned into the circuit approach road. Mark squeezed Seb's hand and gave him a smile as they saw nothing other than a bored looking security guard patrolling up and down. Nobody in the car said anything but each knew that they were as relieved as the others. They turned their eyes towards the buildings they were getting closer to and the tasks of the day.

  
  


  
  


 

They made sure that they kept things as simple as possible, avoiding all distraction and by the time they were in the garage Seb was feeling considerably better. He just wanted a straight-forward morning to get himself as prepared as possible for qualifying in the afternoon. Unfortunately only fifteen minutes into FP3 Sebastian started to feel concerned that something wasn't quite right. He definitely wasn't clocking the lap-times he ought to be. He came back into the garage to consult with the team, staying sat in the car while they looked at the data screen, the engineers ducked down with him as the mechanics gave the car the once over.

Mike leaned into the group.

“Car looks good.”

Sebastian nodded. So the car was fine, it was just him. He tried not to take that too much to heart and focussed on listening to what his engineers were advising. Fast times were already being set by the front-runners and Seb ran through the numbers in his head; Lewis was already under his fastest time from yesterday sitting on 1:39.898, Rosberg close on his heels at 1:40.071. Seb knew that seeing Lewis edging under the 1:40 mark first would be eating at Nico as they were already fighting for that crucial pole position hours before qualifying began. Dan was 1:40.794 which put him in fifth right now. Sebastian puffed a breath. He was sat on a paltry 1:42.945 which was miles off. It wasn't even anywhere near his time from yesterday.

Seb frowned and his engineer leant in.

“The track's cold, if this weather clears up it might be a lot warmer later on. “

“Yeah.”

“I think the car's preferring warmer conditions.”

“Well the tyres for sure,” noted Sebastian.

“Okay well we can't do anything about the weather. Take her out and try that tighter line into twenty, yeah?”

“Yep.”

Seb reached for his helmet to fix it back on while his engineer signalled to the guys that he was going out again. Sebastian turned his head and looked for Mark, getting a little encouraging nod and a smile. He clipped the Hans device in place and felt a new energy, he just had to try what they had suggested and hope that the sun came out.

 

Sebastian tried all they said and heard on the radio that his times were edging faster, but still not by much.

“What's the lead time now?”

“Let's just concentrate on ourselves,” counselled his engineer.

 _Great_ , thought Seb, knowing that meant the Mercedes were even further away.

“Just to give me a marker?”

Back in the garage Mark was shaking his head, a tiny smile on his face as he knew Seb wasn't simply going to let it lie. Seb needed goals, even if they seemed impossible.

The engineer checked and got back to him.

“Okay so top of the board is 1.38:647.”

“Right, okay thank you.”

Seb had seen his latest lap-time and knew it wasn't his fastest, he wasn't completely sure what that was, so he risked asking.

“My best?”

“1:42.872,” reminded the engineer.

 

Four seconds, _more_ than four seconds off. Dear god, that was horrendous and the Mercedes probably weren't even really going for it yet.

“Okay I'm going again,” replied Sebastian, trying to sound positive.

He wound round the latter part of the lap and started picking up speed long before he reached the pit straight and shot off up the hill trying to get a decent time this go. Seb was going well, his engineer nodding along in the garage, pleased to see him beating his sector times as Seb tried to do everything that had worked before, only better.

Sebastian was just hammering along the first DRS straight, using up all his stored ERS energy to get the power down when he had a strange feeling, as if something was off. He couldn't tell if it was the car or merely him being paranoid. He didn't want to brake too soon so he forced himself to do exactly what he ought to; brake at the optimum spot and turn the car sharp right. Oh okay, no that wasn't right. Was it him? The car had slowed fine, but as he put his foot down again things definitely weren't what they should be. Sebastian eased the car round the tight bendy part of the track and knew his lap-time was already ruined. Was he imagining things? The guys had said the car was fine, but it didn't feel that way to Seb. He kept driving as he tried to work out if he was simply blaming the car for his own under-performance or if he was imagining things as a way of externalising his fears.

Seb was on the wide 'U' around the stadium and knew that this wouldn't do. He had to know for sure either way, he couldn't go on like this. It felt wrong and the very fact it was nothing that Sebastian couldn't pin it down only made him feel more unsettled. It was gnawing at his insides, clawing it's way up and it was going to eat him from the inside at this rate. If he didn't trust the car Sebastian hadn't a hope of getting a decent time. The team might think he was wimping out, but he had to brave saying it.

“Um, something doesn't feel right.”

 

Back in the garage Mark instantly tensed up as he heard that over the radio.

“The car?” pressed the engineer.

“Um, yeah, I'm not sure...”

“What is it?”

“I don't know.”

Well that sounded pathetic. Seb knew he ought to be at least be able to give them _some_ specifics, but he had none. Sebastian was getting close to the pitlane entry now and he slowed even further waiting for confirmation.

“Okay Seb bring it in we'll see what's going on.”

 

Back in the garage the mechanics looked for any visible sign of a problem while Seb stayed sat in the car, talking to his team around him.

“What was the issue?” asked the engineer.

“I don't know, just _something_...”

Seb shrugged and shook his head. If there was nothing he was going to look like an idiot and he'd only be showing the team that he wasn't up to this. All those reporters asking over and over whether the incident yesterday hadn't put him off his game, repeating their enquiries about whether he was really ready to come back. Was this just in his head?

 

One of the mechanics was lying on his side, peering underneath the car. He sat and looked at the others.

“We need to get her up. I can't see properly.”

Sebastian climbed out and the car was lifted higher on the jacks so the mechanic could crawl underneath with a little flash-light. There was a pause while other mechanics looked over different areas on the car, waiting another moment before taking the covers off the engine. They didn't want to do that unless they had to as it would eat up time Seb didn't have in this last hour of practice. Seb still had his helmet on, waiting to jump back in if there was nothing.

“Yep, yep...”

The mechanic crawled out and looked to the rest, he'd reached in with his gloved hand and as he pulled it out he showed the gathered group a trace of dampness visible on the finger-tips.

“There's a hydraulic leak.”

Sebastian sighed out with a perverse sense of relief. He hadn't been imagining things. His engineer nodded at him.

“You were right. We should have known there was something with that time gap.”

There was an exchange on the radio as they informed Christian on the pitwall and very quickly the mechanics were swarming over the car taking it apart and Seb had his helmet off, putting it on the side to talk briefly again with the engineers before going back to the car. He caught Steve's eye as he saw how much they were having to take the machine apart just to find the root of the trouble, never mind fix it.

“We're going to be a while. I'm sorry Seb.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Course.”

“You did well to feel that. It's only a trace leak but another couple of laps and you'd have been in trouble, could have damaged the engine.”

“Right. Okay well, thanks. I'm just gonna...”

Seb indicated over, letting them know to fetch him if they needed him and walked over to Mark and Britta.

 

“Hydraulic leak.”

“Ah, okay well they'll fix it,” assured Mark feeling much calmer now he had Seb stood with him safe in the garage.

“Britta I'm just gonna be in back, so.”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian and Mark walked into the back of the garage, Seb undoing his race-suit and tying it around his waist. He looked up at Mark and shrugged.

“Whatya gonna do right?” tried Mark, trying to keep things light.

Seb nodded and Mark could see something was wrong.

“What?”

“I thought I might be imagining it.”

Mark nodded understanding. He put his hand at the side of Sebastian's face.

“You have to trust yourself darling.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and let it out unevenly.

“This is going to take time. I don't know if they'll fix it in time to get back out.”

“I'm sure they're doing their best. The car has to be right.”

Mark knew that the team would be incapable of making triple sure that the car was perfect before letting Seb back in it.

“I know.”

Sebastian moved in and gave Mark a hug, getting a firm hold in return that he tried to soak up. He spoke quietly as Mark hung onto him.

“The stupid thing is I think I'm pleased there was something wrong. I thought I was going mad. The times...”

Mark moved his head so they could see each other.

“No darling. I knew something was up. No way you don't improve.”

“I was trying.”

“Of course you were. The car let you down, not you.”

Seb nodded tightly and glanced to check no one was around before he leaned in again to whisper a terrible secret.

“Mark I was scared.”

Mark squeezed him tight and pressed his cheek down into Sebastian's

“Me too sweetheart.”

Mark rubbed his hands over Seb's fireproof under-shirt, comforting them both for a minute. As he let go they both took in settling breaths. Sebastian gave him a half-smile.

 

“I don't know what's worse; That I'm losing track time or that I'm relieved there's a fault and it's not me. Maybe there really is something wrong with my head?”

Mark looked at him firmly.

“No, not that. Look, of course you want to know you were right. You're the one in the car, you feel it. There's always some things that you can tell that data can't.”

Sebastian nodded. It was why it was essential that drivers contributed to debriefs, not just leaving it to the engineers to analyse the numbers. He did know what he felt was important and Mark was right, he had to trust his feelings more. He _had_ done the right thing, even if speaking out had been almost as scary as the idea that something might be wrong. Seb was still struggling with the cognitive dissonance of _wanting_ something to be wrong with the car and that being the last thing he wanted.

Mark slowly rubbed along Sebastian's arm.

“There's nothing wrong with you. You did the right thing coming in. I'm glad you did.”

Mark didn't want to say that all he cared about was that Seb was safe. Hearing Sebastian on the radio saying something felt wrong brought back terrible memories. Mark was relieved that they had found the problem too. He wanted the mechanics to triple-check the car, quadruple-check it, every tiny element, until they were sure it was safe.

“Thanks Liebling.”

Seb took in another breath and felt better.

“Okay, I should go back through, see how it's going. What time is it?”

Mark checked his watch.

“Twenty-five to eleven.”

Only twenty-five minutes left before the chequered flag fell and FP3 was over.

 

They walked back into the main part of the garage to see Sebastian's car stripped down, pieces all around on the floor and looked at one another. No way Seb was getting back out. Damnit.

Mark considered suggesting they went back to the base but Seb puffed a breath and went over to have a quick word with the mechanics to ask what they had found and what the prospects were before returning to talk with the engineers, asking to go over all of his team-mate's data to see what he could gain from that.

  
  


Mark distracted himself by looking up at the TV screens and wished he hadn't when he heard the commentators remarking how unfortunate the problem with Sebastian's car was when it was the last thing he needed. Far too soon the clock ran out and free practice was over. Seb looked at Daniel's time and hoped it bore some resemblance to the time he might have achieved. He turned his head to see his car was still being further de-constructed as the mechanics dug into everything to make sure they not only found the root of the problem, but made sure there wasn't any damage or any other issue.

He'd known deep down that FP3 was done the moment they found the leak, but now Seb was starting to worry that they'd struggle to get it all fixed in time for qualifying at this rate. Christian came over and spoke to him and the guys to encourage them, repeating the point that it was good that Seb sensed it early and came in and that they had saved themselves a worse problem.

Christian stood with Sebastian, looking over what the mechanics were doing to rectify the situation.

“It's just a tiny fault really, but it could have had bigger consequences if we'd left it.”

There was a pause as it struck all of them what he had just said. Christian caught the chief mechanic's eye and tried to think of something to pull it back. He turned to Seb and made an attempt to breeze past it.

“It's good we caught it right away.”

He looked back to the mechanics.

“Do we have an ETA?”

Steve gave a shake of the head, looked at the car and then back at Sebastian before stating with confidence.

“We've got two hours. She'll be good as new when we're done.”

Seb nodded.

“Thanks. Can I do anything?”

Steve smiled.

“We've got it.”

Christian put a hand on Seb's shoulder and walked them away.

“Take an hour and I'll let Britta know if we need you for anything. We've got the early part of quali to get up to speed and we'll take it from there.”

“Sure.”

Christian pulled a regretful face.

“I'm sorry.”

Seb shrugged.

“They'll fix it, right?”

“Yeah, they're all over it.”

Seb glanced back. No long lunch for those guys. He knew they would do everything in their power to rectify the situation. It wasn't their fault. Maybe the change in weather today had more of an affect on things than the tyres? Maybe he'd bumped some of the kerbs too hard? Maybe, maybe... Whatever. It made no difference. They'd fix it and he had an hour to reset himself and return with a positive attitude.

 

Dan was walking over from talking to his own engineers. He gave Seb a nod and Christian gave him a pat on the arm.

“Well done Dan.”

“Yeah, still on fifth, but...”

“Fresh start in quali,” noted their boss. “All to play for.”

The comment was intended for both his drivers.

Daniel wondered what to say to his team-mate. Seventeenth. He was pretty sure Seb didn't want sympathy.

“Hydraulic leak?”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb. “They've got it.”

“Course.”

Seb looked to Christian.

“Okay so you'll let me know?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian nodded and collected up Mark to head back. A long lunch was pretty much the only good bit of news he had to share right now.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Seb lay against Mark on the little bed. They hadn't needed to speak for a while seeing as they'd talked enough over lunch. Sebastian had closed his eyes and snubbed his cheek down from his shoulder to his chest. Mark had promised him he was keeping an eye on the time so he could relax. He was working on keeping his mind totally blank and switching off. There was no point going over any of it. There was nothing he could change until he got back into the car. Sebastian let his worries slip away as he absorbed the feeling of Mark's chest, his arm holding him, his smell, his feel. This was his safe place. With the door shut it was as if the world outside had disappeared, no media to dodge, no team slaving away to give him a chance, no fans, no rivals, no leaderboards, no data. Nothing.

  
  


Mark's phone buzzed with an alarm and he ran a hand over Seb.

“You're not asleep are you?”

Seb lifted his head to look at him.

“Hmmm? No.”

They sat up and Seb looked at his own phone.

“Another text from Fabian.”

Mark nodded, unsurprised. Seb had already spoken to his family whilst they waited for their lunch to be brought, but he knew that his little brother would have watched every bit of the coverage making negative comments. Sebastian sent his brother a quick reply saying he was about to head back and that the team would have everything ready for qualifying. He put down the phone and detached himself from Mark on the bed to climb back into his race-suit. Sebastian always felt slightly ridiculous standing around in his long underwear, but funnily enough he didn't care so much when he was curled up with Mark dressed like that. Seb liked how he could feel everything through the thin fabric, Mark's hand sliding to rest on the small of his back, Mark's body against him. Sebastian smiled and shook those thoughts away. It wasn't time for that now, he was dressed and it was time to go back to work.

 

There was a knock on the door and Britta was there.

“Christian says they've put the car back together and we're looking good. They just want you to run through a few things, so...”

“We're good to go,” affirmed Sebastian.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


Only a few minutes later Sebastian was sat in the car, raised up on jacks while they checked it was ready and to his liking. Mark stood to the side again and saw that the television was playing out Seb's interview with Martin Brundle, so he let himself watch that while Sebastian and the team got on. Mark could tell from the way Sebastian kept taking a drink water that behind the smiles he gave in his interview he'd been nervous. Those people, all those people, _none_ of them understood what Seb put himself through. Mark thought Martin looked taken aback by Sebastian being fairly open with him but Mark knew how much Seb was leaving out. Maybe David was right and if Seb gave them more of the story then people might understand how impressive he really was, but Mark knew that simply wasn't a viable option.

He glanced over just in time for Seb to look at him. Mark gave him a nod and Sebastian smiled and gave him a little thumbs up. Mark gave him a warm smile back, knowing that meant the car was okay. The interview reminded Mark how far Seb had come and how hard he had fought to get here. He hoped against hope that this weekend could be a success. Just a decent result, something to rebuild confidence and Seb safe back with him at the end of the race, that was all Mark asked.

 

The interview was going over Sebastian's memory loss again and Mark knew the media weren't going to let that go, but he was relieved that Seb hadn't had any serious problems. He'd asked for timing data a few times, but that was fine, Mark didn't care about that and Seb seemed to have relaxed a little about asking for it. Mark really didn't care whether Seb knew the names of reporters. It was driving the car that mattered and as long as Seb could do that they were fine. The car just had to play its part this afternoon now. No 'tiny' faults again. Mark didn't think he could take it.

The way Seb had reported that the car felt 'off' this morning had echoed far too closely to eight weeks ago for Mark's liking. He wondered if the team had thought the same. The guys certainly had seemed to be examining the car extremely closely. Mark knew he had to trust that surely there was no way they would want to let Seb be heading out if they weren't one hundred percent certain it was fixed. Things broke on F1 cars all the time, he knew that only too well and he'd nodded along as Seb had reassured his family, saying much the same on the phone. They simply had to learn to live with that again. Just as they had promised, the car looked good as new. They had to trust it. Seb would be fine. Mark smiled over at Sebastian as he caught his eye. He'd be _fine_.

Mark tried to hide the breath he puffed out. Another hour of torture lay ahead.

  
  


 

  
  


In no time at all they were on the cusp of the start of qualifying. Seb finished up his discussions with his engineers and took his standard few minutes out in the back to get his private moment with Mark to feel properly set up. He climbed back into the car to nods from the mechanics around him and Sebastian thanked them again for their hard work.

“You guys get any lunch?”

Mike shrugged.

“We'll get a break after quali. Okay she's all set.”

“Great, thanks. Really good job guys, thank you.”

A few last moments of going over their plan with the team and Sebastian was pulling out of the garage along with Dan, taking their place in the queue of cars all lining up to take part in Q1. Sebastian kept the car ticking over as they waited for the light to go green and they all streamed out.

 

Seb knew he had to put this morning behind him. Like Christian said, it was a fresh start; Get a feel for it in the first part and work on getting up to speed fast. Seb smiled at the idea that he he had to do it fast, it was the essence of everything he did here. Okay, step-by-step; out-lap, fast lap, try again, check the speed. Better than this morning, but not amazing. The car did feel better though. Seb chose not to consider whether that was psychological now he had witnessed the team going over every part with a microscope to ensure it was perfect.

He didn't stop to think that he wasn't scared now, only thinking where his engineer had pointed out that Dan had taken a slightly different line through turn ten to get more of an advantage into the mini straight before the big straight after turn eleven. Lining up he pushed as hard as he could, certain that he could feel how much faster he was going now.

Around the bends the car was noticeably more responsive and the lower wind-speed was a help, but there was no sign of that sunshine they needed and the tyres weren't quite what they might be. As he passed the finish line Seb looked at the time and although glad to see he was way better than this morning he knew it wasn't enough.

“Are we looking at a cut-off yet?” he asked.

“Into the thirty-eights we think.”

“Okay.”

 

Okay so that wasn't a million miles off. Sebastian's latest lap had been 1:39.455. He gave one more push and shaved off a few more tenths but that was still stuck in the thirty-nines and Seb wasn't where he needed to be. The team called him in and his engineer gave him a few more pointers. They were small things, but Sebastian knew that incremental gains were what he was looking for. He glanced at the leaderboard and saw that both Mercedes were already a full second faster than him. Seb set that aside. They were out of reach and he would only drag himself down worrying about that. His immediate task was to get under the cut-off to give him the chance to keep improving in Q2.

Seb went again, Mark stood in his usual spot, watching the ticker in the corner of the screen counting the lap-times. The camera shot showed Seb on track, then cut to using the camera attached to the car and Mark felt as though he was almost in the car with him. He wished he could be, at least in spirit; feeling every bend, every pull along the straight, every braking-zone. Mark was sure that if he was at home watching this he might not actually be moving along with it, he was so involved. Seb was coming into the final sector and Mark was glued to the little counter in the corner, rattling up the sub-seconds as the finish line seemed ever further away.

Seb was down in fifteenth but the leaderboard was constantly readjusting as driver after driver went over the line setting new fastest laps.

Bam. Sebastian set himself a new fastest lap of 1:38.944. With all the rearrangements that still only put him in thirteenth, but that should be enough assuming things stayed this way, but you couldn't really make that assumption. Sebastian saw the time and knew that those at the top would be back in the garage judging that they were safe. Only those who really needed to were staying out for the dying seconds of this early part of qualifying seeing as it put extra stress on their cars. Seb checked he had enough time and ran another out-lap, aware he should just come in under the wire for a last flying lap. He could go faster, he _had_ to go faster.

Trust the car, trust the team, trust himself. Let it flow, do what came naturally.

 

Mark watched as Seb crossed the finish line moments before the flag fell. The track ahead of him was clear and he knew that the team had been managing his position on circuit to give Sebastian the best chance. Seb's time had slipped to fourteenth and there were a bunch of cars ahead trying to do exactly the same thing as him. Mark watched as the FOM helicopter chose to follow Sebastian's lap around, thinking it looked good. The radio was quiet as everyone let Seb get on with the task. The shot cut to show the other drivers crossing the line and Mark cursed the fact he couldn't see Seb now.

One after another final times were set. The list on screen had the two Manors way out, then Nasr who had reported trouble with his engine and Maldonado seemed to be having a bad day as well, but the two Force India's were very close, both improving and pushing Seb down to the heart-breaking spot of sixteenth; Into the drop-zone which meant he would be out. Mark closed his eyes for a second, thinking; _'Come on, come on, you can do this.'_

 

As the last one around, the camera shot showed Sebastian speeding into the final corner, scooting just a fraction wide, but keeping two wheels on track to stay within the limit and lining up to fire over the line.

 

Seb still had his foot down as he shot up the hill again, he hardly dared look, but there it was, the time: 1.38:644. The radio crackled on and Sebastian heard his boss's voice.

“Good Sebi, that's fourteenth, well done, gives us Q2 to improve.”

Sebastian was slowing into the wiggling bends, letting out relieved breath. Not great, but enough to get another chance.

 

He pulled in and sat in the car as they rapidly went over their plans for Q2 and how he could do better. Seb stole a look at Mark before returning to concentrate on where he could improve. They didn't have long, just sufficient time to compose himself to go again.

He looked to his engineers.

“Tyres still don't feel great.”

“No, they're losing temperature fast on track today. Try pushing early on.”

Seb nodded. The moment they took the tyre-blankets off, the tyres started to cool. Driving fast should keep the heat in them, but cooler air and track temperatures didn't do them any favours. Okay, push early then. Time to go.

  
  


The whittled-down field lined back up in the pitlane and went off as soon as they were released. Mark puffed a breath and gave Britta beside him a look that said; 'Here goes nothing'.

Sebastian set an early bench-mark for himself meeting his Q1 time, then going again and with increased confidence he knocked a full tenth off. He went once more, but this time Seb ran into traffic and couldn't get a clear run, so the team pulled him in. For now he sat in a frankly miraculous seventh place, but everyone knew that the Mercedes had yet to show their hand and times for everyone ought to tumble. The commentator on the television was wittering about how everyone expected faster times this year and they may yet see a new track record. Mark wished they would shut up and let him concentrate on what was actually happening.

Into the last few minutes and the seconds were counting down. Lewis had just locked up horribly into the final corner and flat-spotted his tyres. He'd done it in the worst place as Lewis had just passed the pitlane entry and had to go a full lap to race in for a new set to give it one final try while Rosberg sailed on serenely setting a fabulous new time of 1:36.002. Even Mark had to admit he was impressed, but he didn't really care about the top of the list, he only cared where Seb was.

Coming around again Sebastian set himself up for his penultimate lap. 1:38.500 was what they had spoken of in the garage, he had gone over and over it in his head to make sure it was lodged there. It was an estimate, but he had to be below that to even be in with a hope of making the top ten this year. Seb pushed and tried everything he could, but when he looked at the screen as soon as he passed the finish line Seb saw he was on 1:38.504. It was _so_ close. You couldn't say the time quicker than the gap of a few thousandths of a second actually was, but fine lines were everything in this game. He pulled in as arranged and the team put him onto a fresh set of softer tyres for a last go, reminding Sebastian that these might be his race tyres and Seb heard the unspoken message which was; don't destroy them.

Out again and Mark was back to looking at the screen, precious seconds ticking by. Seb was in eighth now which was where he had been on Friday. Surely that was a decent indication that it was where he belonged? Mark would be more than happy with eighth this weekend, but as the screen flashed the chequered flag graphic he knew that all fifteen drivers on track were going to be trying to improve.

 

One after the other the cars flashed over the line and Mark's face got tighter and tighter as one then another pushed Seb down a place. Eighth became ninth, tenth... Oh god, he was teetering on the edge in tenth, all it needed was... damn. Grosjean pipped into tenth spot and Sebastian was dropped to eleventh place. That would put him out unless he could go faster on his current lap. The camera was following Lewis and Mark wanted to shout in frustration that no one cared about his time when he was already easily through. He needed to see Seb. The camera shot cut back to the finishing line as Ericsson crossed it, failing to improve and getting fourteenth. Then came Sebastian.

Sebastian flung the car around the corner, but he'd had to brake hard to make the turn and as he crossed the line he wasn't sure where his time would fall. He looked: 1:38.472. It was below the predicted line, but that was just a guess. Was it enough?

“I'm sorry Seb, not quite. Romain's time in tenth was 1:38.453.”

Not enough.

Mark stood in the garage, his face expressionless. Seb had missed out by two hundredths of a second.

 

“Sorry boys. Just not enough today.”

Sebastian's voice over the radio was so apologetic Mark wanted to cry. Two hundredths of a second out. _Two hundredths_. This sport could be so damn cruel.

The television was showing Lewis and Nico's laps in comparison, but Mark didn't care enough to even see who was top. He wished they'd switch the damn thing off.

 

Sebastian pulled up and took a moment sat in the car with his visor kept down. Two hundredth of a second. He could say it wasn't fair, but the stopwatch didn't lie. Romain had gone faster, he had earned his place in Q3. That was just how it went. Deep breath, smile on. He knew the cameras were watching.

Seb got out and spoke to the guys around the car, thanking them for making it possible for him to even qualify at all today. His engineer was over, his hand on Seb's arm trying to console him.

“We lost pretty much all of FP3 today, you did well to get this far.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Sebastian knew how downbeat his voice sounded. He took a deep breath and set his shoulders back, ruffling his hair again. He glanced at Mark and tried to force a smile for him, then looked back to his engineer.

“I think I lost it on that last corner again.”

“We'll go over it later. You're straight off aren't you?”

Sebastian looked to Britta.

“Yeah, I'll get the pen out of the way then I'll be back.”

His engineer nodded and Seb walked over to Mark and Britta, undoing his race-suit and tying the arms around his waist.

“Hey.”

Mark looked sympathetic.

“Hey. Eleventh is fine you know.”

“Yeah.”

“That's a jump of four and a half seconds from this morning. That's a huge improvement,” Mark offered.

“Four point four,” corrected Seb.

“Yeah.”

“Mm.”

Mark had a hand on his arm and Seb wanted more, he wanted a hug.

“You did your best Seb, that's all anyone can ask,” commented Britta.

“Yeah.”

“We've really got to get over to do the interviews,” she reminded.

“Okay.”

 

They walked into the back and Sebastian was all set to stride off down the paddock when he stopped and turned to Mark. They didn't say anything but Mark saw the look in Seb's eyes and pulled him into that hug he needed so badly.

Seb let out a sigh against him and dropped his head into Mark's shoulder.

“You did your best,” echoed Mark. “You had almost no time to prepare today.”

Sebastian nodded, only lifting his head a fraction. He'd done his best and it hadn't been good enough. There was nothing wrong with the car in qualifying. Dan had got into Q3 and he could hear the cars being prepared ready to go for their final session to finalise the grid. He ought to be going with them but he wasn't. Not good enough.

Mark squeezed him again. He knew Britta was waiting but he'd bet all the money he had that those interviewers would wait to talk to Sebastian. He released his hold and as Seb looked up at him, Mark stole a kiss.

“I'm proud of you darling.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a smile but the truth was he wanted to take him straight back to the hotel. Seb was quiet. He hated it when Seb went quiet. Quiet was hurt, quiet was sad, quiet was disappointed. Seb was disappointed and Mark knew it was with himself and no one else. He knew it wouldn't even occur to Sebastian to blame the team for the car letting him down and destroying his practice this morning, meaning he couldn't prepare properly to make sure the car was set up for the changed conditions today. Seb only ever blamed himself and Mark hated that too.

“You can do plenty from eleventh tomorrow, yeah?”

“I guess.”

Sebastian wanted to stare at his shoes and shrug. He wanted to scuff his feet like a little boy and pout unhappily. Maybe he'd been stupid to think that FP1 was any indication. Eighth. He'd been disappointed with eighth yesterday, but maybe he should have been more grateful for it? Maybe he'd been trying when the others weren't really bothering yet? Maybe the media were right and he just wasn't good enough to be in the car now?

 

“Seb, I'm really sorry, but we need to go,” interrupted Britta.

Sebastian nodded and he and Mark let go of one another. Mark wanted to take Seb's hand and walk him down to the pen, he wanted to stand with him and make sure no one was unkind enough to make Seb feel any worse with their questioning. He couldn't though.

“I'll go back to the base, see you in a bit.”

Seb tried to shake himself out of the funk he had dropped into. He needed his best face on to go in front of the media.

“Yeah sure. I'll need to come back here to go over things, I don't know how long...”

“I'm not going anywhere, take as long as you need.”

“Okay. Oh can you text Fabe? Tell him I'm fine, okay?”

“Sure.”

“I can do something from p11, right?”

“Absolutely darling, you can do plenty in the race. No points for today, it's just a preliminary.”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks Liebling.”

Seb gave Mark a kiss on the cheek and did his best to pick himself up.

Britta was waiting, restraining herself from prompting Seb to get a move on. She knew that there was value in Mark cheering Sebastian up as much as he could before he went to face the press.

 

They walked out into the paddock which was almost empty as everyone concentrated on the last part of qualifying. Britta was already in gear, talking Sebastian through what to say as they walked along. Mark gave him a firm nod and left them to walk on with a promise to text his little brother and a smile he hoped imparted everything he had said before.

Seb and Britta walked into the pen to find a fair assembly of media already interviewing those others who had been knocked out in Q2. They could hear the top ten cars pounding around the track, starting their fight for pole. Seb adjusted the cap Britta had handed him and looked up to seeing that the sun was coming out. Ten minutes too late for Seb. A bit of sunshine might have gifted him a crucial couple of hundredths but it was too late now. Timing was everything.

  
  


  
  


Seb smiled for the cameras and repeated time after time that today just wasn't his day. The fault on the car had been unfortunate but he was grateful to the team for working their butts off to fix it ready for qualifying. No, the lack of track time hadn't helped, but it was what it was and he was fully focussed on the race to see what he could get there. No, he didn't regret coming back this weekend. Yes, he did feel ready to race. No, he'd had no issues in qualifying, he just hadn't been quite fast enough. Yes, it had indeed been very close, but that was the game.

Britta moved Sebastian on.

“Sebastian, how do you feel about there being another fault on your car?”

“These things happen.”

“But after Monza?”

Sebastian's face didn't alter.

“This was a completely different issue. The guys fixed it and the car is fine.”

“So you're happy to get back in it tomorrow?”

“I'm looking forward to the race.”

 

Britta moved him on and walked them over to another corner slowly, allowing Seb to take a deep breath. She set him in front of a friendly face.

“Seb, how're you doing?” asked a soft Scottish accent.

“Hey Lee, yeah you know.”

Lee nodded. She wondered if she had just imagined that pause before Seb said her name. Maybe he was just struggling a bit with this after an iffy quali session. Seeing him this weekend was strange. When she'd heard Seb didn't remember anything from Monza, Lee had to assume that meant Seb didn't recall the long interview they had done there. Clips of it had been shown and re-shown over and over since then, used not only on the BBC but exerts sold on to be broadcast elsewhere and endlessly clicked online, particularly the bit where Seb had spoken about fear and the risks they took. Lee had felt strange about that, as though they, even she, was exploiting him when he had been hurt, not that she'd really had any say in it, but it had felt wrong. She gave Sebastian a smile, hoping he had no idea that his previous comments had been so scrutinised. It felt like a very long time since then.

She signalled to the cameraman to start filming and gave Sebastian the nod to let him know that they were on.

“Seb, not quite the return you were hoping for today?”

“Yeah maybe not, but I'm just glad to be here at all.”

“I'll bet. You had an interrupted FP2 and pretty much no FP3, in the circumstances is P11 on the grid about as good as you could get?”

“Maybe,” Seb admitted. “You always hope for more though.”

“Still plenty of opportunity in the race though?”

“Of course. All to play for.”

“And you're looking forward to getting back racing again?”

“Absolutely.”

“You've worked hard to get here.”

“Mm.”

“I'm sure it will feel good to get back at doing what you do best,” Lee offered.

“Yeah it will. The team did their utmost to fix the car and get me out for quali. I'll be doing my best to repay them tomorrow.”

“The weather might be better for the race.”

“It might. We're ready for whatever the conditions are though. It'll be the same for everyone.”

“We heard on the radio a lot of talk about how cold the track was in comparison to yesterday though. Might it not help to be warmer?”

“Hopefully yes, but we'll take it as it comes.”

“Good luck then.”

“Thanks.”

 

More questions, plenty getting into the details of qualifying and what the fault had been on his car in FP3. Sebastian did his best to answer honestly and only give the truth a positive bent. His mind started drifting as he got repeated questions, wondering where Dan would end up and who was going to get pole. He knew Lewis wanted it. Seb almost smiled at that idea, of course Lewis wanted it, he always wanted it, everyone always wanted pole, but drivers had certain tracks they favoured and this was one for Lewis but he'd somehow never achieved pole position. Seb himself had got pole here before twice in a row. Good years, easy years, easi _er_ anyway. In racing terms at least. 2012, 2013. In every other way they had been hideous years, hateful, painful, miserable years.

Seb knew that no one beyond those closest to him would believe him if he told them that 2015 was better for him than those years. Even with everything that had happened, 2015 was the year he had got together with Mark and therefore was instantly the best year of Sebastian's life. He smiled internally thinking that it felt more like ten years they had been together than one and maybe they really ought to count 2014 as well. Apart from the physical side they'd been just as together then. 2015 still won though. Seb really liked the physical side.

 

With that rather more pleasant thought on his mind Sebastian smiled at the next crop of journalists in front of him.

“Shouldn't you all be watching who's going to get pole?”

There were a few smiles in return. All of them were hoping to dash off to catch the last few minutes as soon as they were done here. Seb was the final driver in the pen now all the other Q2 drop-outs had got it over and done with.

He ran through the standard questions, giving his stock responses, doing his best to keep them fresh and not to appear as if he was counting the seconds until he could escape and wondering if he might just stop off with Mark for a few minutes instead of going direct to the garage. Just a few minutes to reset himself. He'd ask Britta.

The next interviewer was up and Sebastian recognised him as one he had spotted in the driver's conference the other day.

“Peter Windsor, Racer's Edge.”

Windsor, it was _Windsor_. Like the castle. He should have remembered that. Seb smiled.

“Hi, how's it going Peter?”

“Alright thanks, like you say we need to dash off to see who's on pole. It's a challenge getting back to racing after big accidents. Is the speed you've got back here an indication of how keen you are to get back into it.”

“Yes, absolutely. Today might not be quite what I was hoping for, but it's the race that counts.”

“And you feel you can improve in the race?”

“That's why I'm here Peter,” smiled Seb.

“The car's under Parc Fermé conditions now, do you feel it will be adequately set up for the race?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Guess I'll find out tomorrow.”

“Were you using Friday's settings or taking them from Dan?”

“Oh, well a bit of a combination, mostly from Friday because we simply didn't have time for anything else today. To be honest I was just grateful to find the car back in one piece when I came back after lunch. The guys had to work pretty hard to get her fixed in time.”

“So P11 not so bad?”

“Yeah guess not.”

 

Next one, then the next one. Almost done.

“Sebastian this weekend has been been pretty disastrous for you so far, can it only be up tomorrow?”

The reporter asked that question so perkily, as if it wasn't flat out mean to emphasise all his troubles like that. Sebastian felt his smile falter but he pressed on.

“I'm certainly hoping for a better day.”

Another recorder was shoved under his nose.

“Sebastian, you have a free choice of tyres now for the race, could that give you an advantage?”

Seb hadn't actually thought about that aspect. It might be one small bright spot.

“We'll certainly be looking at that.”

 

Another face pressing over the barrier, another recording device thrust forwards.

“Sebastian, was your result today affected by concerns about getting back to racing for the first time tomorrow?”

“No, we had an interrupted day and quali didn't quite come together as we'd hoped. Tomorrow's a new day.”

“So you aren't worried about it?”

“Sorry?”

“Racing again. Surely that has to be in your mind?”

Sebastian didn't know what to say.

“I really wasn't thinking about anything other than trying to get the best time I could today. You can't think that far ahead.”

“But it you must have feelings about that?”

“About what?”

“About racing for the first time after your crash in Monza. Surely there's no way you can just ignore the fact that the last time you raced you literally died on the track.”

 

Sebastian stared, the words echoing in his head. He'd died. He'd literally _died_ on the track in Monza. His heart had stopped and that meant he had died. No one had ever put it like that to him before, not like that, so cold and brutal. A logical part of Sebastian's brain had accepted the cardiac arrest was bad, very very bad, but not that, not dead. Lying on the track, dead. That had been him. It had happened to him whether Seb remembered it or not. His family had been watching, _Mark_.

His face fell and Sebastian couldn't speak. He felt that horrible prickling heat in his skin and the blood rushing around in his veins, but it hadn't been, not then, no blood pumping because his heart wasn't doing its job. He took in a breath and the only thing Seb could think was that he'd stopped breathing then too. They had to intubate to give him oxygen, to try to keep his brain supplied while he was down. They'd used defibrillators to shock his heart back into beating once more. Seb knew this. He knew the steps, the technical descriptions of what had happened, but none of it had ever truly resonated with him before as equating with death.

A walking corpse, a man brought back to life and kept alive thanks to machines; electric shocks and artificial respiration, doctors working hard to get him back and stabilise him enough to get him into the helicopter to get him to the hospital and into intensive care. Technology had saved his life ironically just as it had killed him, if only temporarily.

 

Britta's hand was on his arm, pulling him away and Seb let himself be led. He hadn't even managed a mumbled response, nothing.

Britta glared at the reporter making sure she knew who he was. Unacceptable, totally unacceptable. Sebastian had almost changed colour in front of her and he still wasn't speaking. She'd spent years reading him, knowing Seb nearly always found a way to deal with these situations, but this was too much. She had to get him out of here. Britta kept Seb walking out of the pen, grateful only that that question hadn't been asked on camera.

“Seb, are you okay? That was... I mean, he really shouldn't have said that. Completely unacceptable. I'll make sure he's dealt with. That was beyond inappropriate.”

Sebastian still didn't know what to say, so he just nodded.

“Do you want your drink?” tried Britta.

Sebastian shook his head. They were part way along the paddock now. He hardly knew how he was walking. He felt like a zombie. If he'd been in any state to do so Seb would have laughed at how appropriate that was seeing as he really was a reanimated corpse.

“Seb?”

Seb unglued his mouth and stumbled over some words.

“I think... I think maybe I need a minute. I need to see Mark. Just... just for a minute. Is that okay?”

Britta felt terrible at how unravelled Sebastian sounded and how he was thinking she might not put his welfare ahead of his duties.

“Of course, yes it's fine, of course Seb, just take a bit of time.”

“The team. They're waiting for me.”

“I'll tell them.”

Seb looked at her.

“No don't, please.”

“I'll just say you're taking a break. It's okay Seb,” she reassured, thinking how anxious Sebastian seemed. She knew how important her charge thought it was that the team saw him in a certain light. She wasn't going to betray Sebastian by telling everyone how he had just been blind-sided by a question that felt like a slap in the face to _her_ , never mind how it could have felt to poor Seb.

Britta kept a hand on his arm and walked them on to the RedBull base to hand him over to Mark so she could go and make their excuses. She'd find a way to talk to Christian alone.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Back at the pen the reporter was pocketing his recorder and looking at the stunned faces of his colleagues around him.

“What?”

“Fucking hell,” breathed another journalist.

The reporter huffed. It was his job to ask the tough questions. If a driver wasn't up to answering them then maybe they shouldn't be here.

“It's true isn't it?” he shrugged.

Peter gave the younger man a firm look and said what many around him were thinking.

“Yeah, you know that line you're not meant to cross? Look behind you.”

“Oh come on.”

Everyone was looking at him as if he was a criminal. As if they hadn't asked some difficult questions too. Maybe he'd been a little blunt, but he hadn't quite expected Sebastian to look _quite_ so appalled. Seb had spoken about it himself when he'd been in the press conference the other day, why was he over-reacting now? Maybe he really did have something wrong in his head after the crash. The reporter justified it to himself and rolled his eyes at everyone getting so agitated. He turned around and walked away back to the media centre, already thinking how he could work this up into a story for his paper.

 

The small group of media left by the pen looked at one another.

“Did you see her face?” asked one.

“Britta? Yeah he's done.”

One of the younger journalists looked to the rest.

“You think she'll really get him kicked out?”

“Oh yeah.”

“There's such a thing as professionalism,” tutted one.

“There's also such a thing as common decency,” remarked Peter.

The group broke up and headed off, each wondering what to do with that little moment. It had clearly been upsetting to Sebastian and it felt as thought to write it up would be to add insult to injury, literally so. Sometimes there were moral calls to be made. It seemed some weren't always aware of that fact.

 

 

  
  


  
  


Mark looked away from seeing the end of qualifying playing on the television screen in hospitality when he heard the doors open and close and was surprised to see Britta and Sebastian walking in when he'd thought they were going straight back to the garage. As soon as he saw him, Mark knew something was wrong. Sebastian looked awful. He jumped up from his seat and shot over, his hand on Seb's arm as he looked closer.

“Seb? What's happened.”

Sebastian shook his head but it was in his eyes, not just upset but devastated.

Britta looked at Mark and sighed.

“I think you should take him up.”

Mark frowned unhappily at her.

“The press? What did they say?” he asked.

“Not here,” cautioned Britta, looking at how busy it was.

Mark was looking with concern at Sebastian.

“I just need a minute.”

If Seb's voice had been quiet before, it was a whisper now and Mark was worried.

“I need to let them know Seb's going to be a while,” excused Britta.

Mark nodded and put his arm around Seb to walk upstairs to his room. Britta watched them go then turned back into the paddock, pausing only take a deep breath once she was outside, wondering what else could possibly go wrong this weekend. Bastard, bastard reporter. She was going to end him if it was the last thing she did. Britta stalked down the paddock wondering only if she could effect his removal today. Probably not, but that smug little face sure as hell wasn't going to appear in Brazil.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian struggled upstairs feeling almost as though he was back to Mark having to help him up like he had when he'd first got out of the hospital. He felt as though all the energy had drained from his body. Mark took him into his room and set him down on the bed, getting more and more worried at how silent Seb was.

“Sweetheart what happened?”

Sebastian shook his head again, then his face crumpled, perilously close to tears.

“Seb? Oh my god, what did they say?”

Mark had watched the interview that had played on TV a few minutes ago and Seb had seemed okay, not great, but okay. He'd been doing his usual thing of smiling through adversity and plodding on through his duties. The man in front of him bore no resemblance to the one he had seen only minutes ago on screen, not happy, sure Mark knew enough to see though the smiles, but not this. Whatever it was had plainly been a body blow.

He kept his arm around him and leaned in closer.

“What did they say?” he asked gently.

Seb shrugged one shoulder and his face went even tighter.

“Oh darling, no. It's okay, you can't listen to them. You did good today, they don't know what you've been through to get here. Eleventh is fine sweetheart, don't let them say different.”

Seb shook his head again. It wasn't that. He'd almost forgotten about qualifying now.

“He said I died.”

Mark sat back in shock.

“What?”

“He, I.. I don't know his name, a reporter, he...”

Sebastian swallowed and took a sharp breath in.

“He said I died in Monza and I... I never thought, I mean I knew... my heart and... I _knew,_ but I never... I never thought, what it meant.”

Seb was really struggling to even construct a sentence, never mind compose his thoughts.

 

“Oh my god.”

Mark was horrified. Who would say that right to Sebastian's face like that? No wonder he was upset. Mark carried that terrible thought with him every day but he would never have dreamed of stating such a stark thing to Seb.

Sebastian took a sharp breath trying to find a way to explain it to Mark.

“He said, he said I died last time and how it was going to be to race now, knowing that, but I didn't...”

Tears started leaking out and Seb couldn't stop them.

“I didn't realise that was what it meant. I know that's stupid. I know I should have understood, but I never, never thought of it like that and I don't... I don't know how to deal with it.”

He took several shuddery breaths and Mark grabbed him in tight.

“No darling, no. Hey, it's okay,” Mark soothed.

He rubbed his hands firmly over Seb's back whilst keeping him pressed in, as if Mark was trying to get the blood flowing properly again. He hung onto him for a few minutes, not liking the way Seb stayed limp against him, not even putting his arms back around Mark. Eventually Mark sat him up and looked at him. He pulled down the cuff of his hoody and hooked it over his thumb to dab under Sebastian's eyes to dry them.

He sighed and stroked Sebastian's cheek.

“I can't believe someone could say that to you. What goes through some people's heads I don't know.”

Seb leaned in sideways against Mark, resting on his shoulder.

“I just never thought of it like that,” repeated Sebastian.

“Yeah.”

Mark let out a long sigh. He kept one arm around him as he spoke to Seb.

“Don't think of it like that darling. They got you back, they saved you. That's what really matters.”

“My heart stopped. I stopped breathing. I died.”

Seb closed his eyes for a second before continuing.

“I don't know how I didn't understand what that really meant before. I just didn't add it up.”

 

Now that he thought back, Sebastian remembered one of the boys making a bad joke along those lines back the factory but somehow it had sailed past him. Maybe he'd been so set on getting on that he hadn't let the meaning sink in? It had been a throwaway line that washed past with the intention it was given, but _this_ guy, he'd hit him straight on and the blow had toppled Seb.

“No, well...”

“That is what it means isn't it?”

Mark sighed. He couldn't lie. He'd been stuck with the terrible knowledge that Seb had died, however briefly, ever since that Italian doctor had fumbled telling him back in the hospital.

“It was just a few seconds Seb, I don't know what counts, I...”

Mark tried to make sure Sebastian was looking at him.

“All I care about is that they saved you. They brought you back to life. I got you back. If they hadn't, my life would have been over too.”

Sebastian lifted a little to look at him and Mark gave a sad shake of his head.

“It would. I couldn't go on without you.”

“Don't say that Liebling.”

“It's true. Not now I know what it's like to have you. I couldn't go back to my life before. It was empty. I couldn't live with that emptiness now.”

They looked at one another for a moment.

“Seb darling I think we just have to think of it as a second chance, okay? We both get a second chance at life, our life together. We know what it's worth. I'm not saying we didn't before, but...”

Sebastian tried to think about that. A second chance at life. His old life had been a mess. He didn't want that old life back. Not since Mark, but before, that much he wanted to leave behind. Maybe that was why his mind had wiped out all that bad stuff for so long, maybe it wasn't meant to be a part of this new life?

“Okay.”

Mark looked to him.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, maybe... Maybe that is how it's meant to be. We get a new life, a new start. I don't want all that old stuff in it.”

Mark didn't need it spelling out to know what Seb was referring to.

“Yeah well that's gone. We make our life what we want it to be. We choose what we want now.”

 

Seb let out something shakily between a laugh and a sigh.

“Right now I'd really quite like to go home.”

“You want to go home?”

Not for the first time this weekend Mark considered whether that might not be the best thing. If Seb really wanted to leave he wouldn't talk him out of it.

Seb saw his expression.

“I meant the hotel. I just want to lie down and, you know, shut the door on the world.”

“Oh, I see. Right. Well can't we do that?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I need to go to debrief with the team.”

Mark sighed.

“Is there so much to go over?”

“Not that much, I don't know, but I have to go. We need to be ready for the race.”

Mark gave a weak smile at Seb still thinking about that.

“And that's what you want?”

Sebastian thought about that. If they were making calls on what they wanted their life to consist of now, he had to decide whether racing was important enough to put himself through this.

 

“Yes. I want to race. I want to get back to being better at it. I want to get a good result tomorrow.”

“Okay,” accepted Mark calmly. “Okay so you go debrief. No more press until after the race though, right?”

“Yeah I don't want to talk to anyone else.”

No bloody wonder thought Mark.

“Right, so you get the debrief done and we go straight back to the hotel, hole up and get ourselves ready to see what we can get tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sat up and let out an uneven breath.

“Okay. I need to take a shower.”

“You're sure you're alright?”

Seb gave him a half-smile.

“Not especially, but I'm better than before.”

 

Mark gave him a smile and lifted Seb's hand, turned it over and pushed back the sleeve of his long-sleeved Nomex top to expose his wrist. Mark kissed the tattoo and thought back to when he had done this when Seb was in a coma. Sebastian gave him a slightly stronger smile.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark scrunched his nose as if it was nothing.

“We're one aren't we?” Seb checked.

“Yes darling,” nodded Mark. “That's how it is. We're one. We're a team. I'm no good without you.”

“Me either. I'm so glad you're here.”

“So am I.”

No way on earth would Mark have not come with Seb this weekend. Even if it had been incident free it would still have been a strain to resume racing for the first time. He couldn't have let Seb face that alone. Mark didn't want to say it, but he was giving serious consideration to telling Porsche he couldn't go to China and staying with Sebastian for the next race. He didn't care what the consequences were for his own career right now.

Mark wrapped his arms around Seb again and this time Seb slipped his arms back round Mark's waist to hold him in turn. Mark tipped his head down to rest their foreheads together, their noses pressed in, letting them feel one and settled for a few moments. Seb blinked and felt his eyelashes brush against Mark's. He smiled at the feeling and sat away.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian gave a little nod, trying to get himself going.

“I'm going to shower.”

Mark nodded and let him go. Seb was picking himself up off the floor and pushing on. It was what he did. They might be choosing to see what happened as a chance to have a fresh go at life, but some things didn't change.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


Not long after, Seb and Mark were walking along the paddock, accompanied by Britta who had come to Sebastian's room to find him changed and preparing to head back. Mark had pulled his jacket on because he'd given his hoody to Seb for him to wear. Sebastian hadn't protested very convincingly that he ought to be wearing the regulation RedBull top when Mark had offered it. Mark had smiled and asked if he really thought anyone was going to tell him off. Sebastian took the hoody and accepted Mark's assurance that he wouldn't be too cold in his long-sleeved top. Walking along in jeans and Mark's hoody over his t-shirt, Seb felt rather better, more like himself. Wearing Mark's hoodies always felt like wearing a hug. He'd never tell anyone that apart from Mark himself.

Seb had assured Britta that he was okay and she could see that he was far better then when she'd left him with Mark. Sebastian had stood in front of the mirror trying to check no one would be able to see how upset he had been. The shower seemed to have done the trick and Sebastian felt a little improved for it as they approached the garage, Mark squeezed his hand and Seb gave him a little smile back. If he was on his own he would never have pulled himself together so quickly.

If they were going to be choosing what they wanted their new life to be like, Seb wanted to try to be someone who didn't fall apart so much. It felt as though he did that so easily. He'd completely been undone by that horrible comment. He hadn't even managed to give that reporter a reply, any reply, anything at all. What must those other people from the media think of him? He always found a way to fake it out, but this time Seb knew he hadn't at all. That was going to get around.

They were at the garage now. He had to put all that to one side and get himself in a frame of mind to do the debrief. He had to go on to give himself the best chance tomorrow. Maybe when he was home he could talk to Henry and he could give him some more ways to get better with coping with the things that seemed to be thrown at him? Mark made him feel better and Henry helped him take more control of himself. Right now Seb thought Henry would be telling him to give all his attention to his one priority; the race. So he'd do that.

 

Sebastian let go of Mark's hand and went to speak to his engineers. Christian came over to chat with him and Seb could sense his boss assessing him. Seb knew that Britta must have told him what happened. He was sure she wouldn't have told the rest if she had promised not to and Christian wouldn't go round gossiping about it, they were too professional for that. Seb had to be a professional too. He got his head down and worked, letting it take him up completely for the length of time he was going to be in here. Sebastian didn't even turn to look to see what Mark was doing. He knew Mark would understand. Normally Mark wouldn't even be around for this part but Seb trusted Mark not to ask anything back in return for supporting him, not even a glance while he was working. It was enough that he was here.

Nobody commented on the plain grey hoody, not that it wasn't regulation RedBull kit, nor that Mark had been wearing it earlier. Seb wondered if anyone even noticed these silly little things, but he appreciated how warm it was and most of all that Mark had given it to him because he knew it would help Seb.

  
  


Britta spoke with Christian then looked for Mark, finding him in the rear area.

“Hey Mark.”

Mark nodded at her and Britta wondered if he blamed her for what had happened.

“Mark, I'm really sorry about the pen, I had no clue that guy was going to say anything like that.”

“No of course.”

Mark knew Britta couldn't read minds. The press pen was an open forum, she could only guide Seb around and do her best to manage the crowd.

“I got him out as soon as I could.”

Mark nodded.

“It's not your fault.”

“Well I'm just glad you're here.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Me too.”

“He seems better.”

“Mm.”

“I know he was upset.”

Mark raised his eyebrows. Upset didn't cover it.

Britta tried to think of something positive to say.

“You pick him up. I'm not sure people realise how much you do for him.”

Mark shook his head.

“He picks himself up, it's just that most people don't realise how much he gets knocked down, or how far.”

“He's good at faking it.”

“At least you can see that.”

Britta gave a tip of her head.

“Been around enough years, I'd hope I'd be getting a little better at reading him.”

“Mm.”

“You'd know better than I would.”

“He doesn't fake things with me.”

“Oh, no that's not what I meant,” Britta excused.

Mark held up a hand.

“No I know, sorry. I'm not doing so well either.”

Mark sighed.

“People don't realise how much he does for me. I need him too you know?”

Britta nodded.

“Yeah I do know.”

 

Britta had been with him all through that awful time, in the garage in Monza, out the back, in the car, fighting to get into the hospital, when he'd heard the terrible news about what had happened to Seb. She'd seen the state he was in and never made any sign, just doing anything she could to help, day after day coffee had appeared in his hand, sandwiches which Mark had appreciated even if he couldn't eat them. That had been Britta.

Mark sighed and put his hand on her arm and nodded.

“I don't know if I ever said thank you, for all you did.”

Britta frowned wondering what he meant.

“In Italy, at the hospital,” Mark clarified.

“Oh, no well...” Britta shrugged. “I'm sure you did.”

“Well I'm saying it again. We appreciate all you do, for both of us.”

“It's my job.”

Mark knew she went well beyond her job description. He gave her a look to that effect, but Britta shook her head.

“I wouldn't want to do anything else.”

“Really?”

“You think I don't get offers?”

Mark stopped at that. Of course people must try to poach Britta, no doubt with some pretty tempting offers, but she stayed.

“Well, I'm glad you're here too. You're not tempted by something a little less stressful? I don't know, somewhere sunny maybe?”

“I get plenty of sun in this job, too much in some places. This is my job. I'm not saying this weekend has been easy so far, but it'll ease off.”

“You think?”

“It has to.”

Britta really _hoped_ so.

“I'm doing my best to manage them.”

“I know you are.”

“That guy, from earlier, I've already made calls. I'm going to do everything I can to get him out, maybe not right away, but I'll sort it.”

Mark gave her a dark look.

“Save yourself the trouble. Give me his name and _I'll_ sort it, I'll fucking kill the bastard.”

Britta opened her mouth, then closed it again, hoping that wasn't a serious remark. By the expression on Mark's face she wasn't entirely sure. Maybe she should should just tell the reporter that and let him make his own choice about whether it was wise to stick around.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


By the time they got back to the hotel both of them were thinking it was unlikely they were going to do anything all weekend other than go to the track and lock themselves in their room in between. They'd left as soon as they reasonably could, but Sebastian hadn't wanted to skimp on his preparations for tomorrow, so it was gone six pm when they arrived back. As soon as they walked into the hotel Britta excused herself and disappeared off and Mark wouldn't be entirely prepared to bet that it wasn't to go straight to the hotel bar. He wouldn't blame her.

They crossed reception and picked up their pace as they saw the lift doors closing, stepping in just in time before taking in who the original occupant was.

Sebastian looked over in surprise.

“Oh hey Lewis.”

“Hey. Seb, Mark.”

“I didn't even realise you were staying here.”

“Top floor.”

“Ah.”

Lewis was dressed head to toe in Mercedes gear, down to the fact he still had his cap on and they got the impression that he had made a sharp exit from the circuit to get back here as they had.

“You alright?” asked Sebastian.

“Hm? Yeah you know,” he shrugged.

“Bad luck today,” offered Mark.

“Not my day,” Lewis replied.

Sebastian looked at him. Lewis's bad day meant he had come second, not first. Bad days were relative matters.

Lewis looked back, remembering that Seb hadn't even made it into Q1.

“Shitty day huh?”

Sebastian puffed a breath and nodded, Mark automatically putting an arm around him.

“Sorry,” sympathised Lewis.

“Mm.”

Seb didn't really know what to say. Clearly there was something going on with Lewis as well.

“No FP3, screwed you over right?” guessed Lewis.

“Spose. What happened with you?”

Lewis looked torn, then shook his head.

“Team stuff. I can't say. Sorry.”

“Oh, no, that's okay.”

“Yeah well. Maybe I'm just cursed on this track.”

Mark gave him a look, recalling that Lewis had won this race twice.

“Quali anyway, always goes wrong. Whatever, race is what matters right?”

“Sure.”

 

The lift pinged open and Mark and Seb realised that they had totally omitted to press the button for their floor and they had travelled all the way to the top.

“Oh dear. Not sure we're switched on at all today,” noted Seb.

Lewis was half-way out the doors when he put a hand to hold the lift open.

“Why don't you come in and say hi?”

Both Seb and Mark looked confused.

“Who to?” asked Mark.

“I brought my best buds with me, seeing as we were all over here anyway.”

He finally smiled at seeing their confusion.

“Roscoe and Coco. You want to come say hello?”

Mark and Sebastian looked to one another, Seb giving a slight positive indication and Mark nodding back at him.

“Sure, thanks,” agreed Seb, and they followed Lewis into his room.

  
  


The moment they entered the hotel suite two bulldogs tumbled over, aiming right for Lewis who dropped down on his knees to greet them, fussing over the dogs and giving them a rub. Seb smiled at Mark thinking how this reminded him of home, even if their dogs were rather larger.

“Hey little guys, did you miss me? Did you? Yeah I missed you, yes I did.”

Lewis fussed over them, seeming not to care at the indulgent tone of voice he was using in front of company. Mark huffed a silent laugh, thinking how different Lewis was here to how he was at the track.

Lewis turned back to look at them.

“Come in and say hello.”

Sebastian knelt next to him and gave the dogs a stroke, Mark ducking down to crouch by his side and giving them a little pet as well, the animals seeming thrilled to be receiving so much attention. Lewis's mood had lifted the moment he entered the room and now he was grinning as he mucked about with the dogs, picking Coco up and chubbing her wrinkly face, treating her more like a child.

“Coco, say hello.”

Lewis presented her to them and Sebastian smiled and gave her a stroke. He could tease his friend for behaving this way, but he knew that he and Mark were just as bad with their own pets.

“Hello Coco,” greeted Seb.

They spent several minutes all taking a bit of affection from the animals. They were pretty cute and it was impossible not to be cheered by how happy they seemed to see them.

Sebastian sighed.

“I miss our dogs.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

Lewis nodded.

“These guys come travelling with me when possible. Sometimes you just need to know you've got some real friends with you.”

He looked at them and then realised what he'd said.

“Oh sorry. Present company excepted of course.”

Seb gave a dismissive shake of his head.

“It's okay.”

Lewis sat back on his haunches and huffed out a breath, clearly recalling why he had been in a bad mood in the first place. He looked at Seb.

“Politics, you know.”

“Oh.”

“Are you getting heat from the media?” enquired Mark, thinking of what Lewis had spoken out on the day before.

“Hm? Oh well yeah, but you know what that's like.”

He spotted the way the two looked at one another.

“You still having a hard time?”

Seb only gave a flick of the eyebrows. He wanted to forget about that now they were away from the circuit.

“Right,” agreed Lewis. “Least said, yeah?”

“Yeah. I'm sorry if you're getting it over what you said.”

“Not your fault.”

“Well it kindof is.”

“Nah, you didn't ask me to say it. I don't even care about that. The media can say what they want. I'd say it again.”

Mark gave him a look. In a way he admired Lewis's attitude.

“Really?”

“Yeah, actually I said that to one of them earlier. Anyway, yeah I don't care. It's the rest. I'm just...” he sighed, “I don't know. I get kinda tired of it, don't you? They just love the drama more than the actual driving sometimes.”

 

Mark huffed a dry laugh and Sebastian nodded.

“I know what you mean. Honestly if I could just do the weekend without any of the media there...”

Seb sighed and looked at Mark.

“Guess it doesn't work that way.”

“No,” agreed Mark.

Lewis nodded.

“Yeah. Ah well, business tomorrow, right?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. We should probably get on.”

He looked to Mark who nodded.

“Yeah we'll leave you in peace.”

“Oh, okay, yeah sure. I've got to go put my corporate face on now anyway. Got a team event tonight.”

 

They stood and Sebastian pulled a face, thinking the night before a race wasn't a good time for that.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Just show my face and duck out again, but there's no getting out of it...” there was a dead-pan pause, “...apparently.”

Sebastian and Mark snuck each other a glance, both guessing that this comment was related to Lewis's dour reference to 'politics' from earlier.

They said their goodbyes to both Lewis and the dogs and headed back down to their floor, remembering to actually hit the lift button for their floor this time around.

  
  


  
  


  
  


As they entered their room Mark looked to Seb.

“What do you think that was all about?”

“Lewis you mean?”

“Yeah. He seemed in a funny mood.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'm guessing something went on between him and Nico and the team again today.”

“Mm.”

“Also for all he says it's fine, I'm pretty sure they aren't too happy with what he said yesterday.”

“No well, don't go thinking that's your fault. He's right, you didn't ask him to say anything.”

“Hm.”

Mark ran his hand down Sebastian's arm as he stood opposite him.

“Lewis says what he wants to say. He's always been pretty unapologetic about that and I believe him when he say he doesn't regret it.”

“No, spose not, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that's why they're making him do whatever he's got to do tonight, putting on a good PR show for the team.”

Mark nodded, he guessed as much too.

“No good deed goes unpunished I suppose. Well anyway, let Lewis look after himself. Whatever else was going on he made some mistakes in quali and I'm sure part of it is that he's just pissed off with himself.”

“Okay. At least he's got his buddies with him this weekend.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“It's like that joke about if you want to make a friend in politics, buy a dog.”

Seb laughed back.

“I think that's at least partly true for Lewis. I'm sure they'll cheer him up. Actually they made me feel a bit better too. I miss our boys.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah mate me too. I hope they're not running Pauline ragged.”

“I'll be glad to get home to them.”

“Yeah.”

Both of them thought how long a time they had to wait until then. Mark decided to try to put into action the little plan he'd been working on while hanging around. It didn't amount to much other than trying to find ways to encourage to Seb relax and forget their worries but Mark thought anything that helped on that front was good.

 

“Right then. I know it's early but why don't we get some food and then see what we can do to try to forget everything this evening?”

“I'm not really all that hungry,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark gave him a look. He didn't want to insist, but he knew what Seb was like for going off his food when he was having a hard time. It wouldn't do though. Seb needed energy if he was going to do the race tomorrow. Sebastian read the expression on Mark's face and didn't want to give him more concerns.

“Maybe I'll just try something.”

“Good,” nodded Mark, thinking something was better than nothing.

  
  


 

They ordered up some food, sent a few messages to their families to reassure them and sat picking at their plates while half-watching something on the television. Seb had found some truly atrocious American soaps playing on a local channel and they were having a giggle at how cheesy they were.

“I think I just saw the wall wobble,” noted Mark.

Seb looked and nodded.

“No expense spared. You know if this guy is meant to be a doctor he seems to have an awful lot of free time in the middle of the day.”

Mark chuckled in agreement.

“Mm, and I'm not sure I buy her as a high-powered lawyer either.”

They looked at the highly made-up woman on screen, her hair coiffed to a remarkable degree of altitude. She didn't exactly radiate intellect, in fact Mark suspected she was reading her words from a giant piece of cardboard held out of shot.

“No I know what you mean.”

  
  


They watched for a little longer. Mark considering that he hadn't precisely thought of watching this as part of his plan for the evening, but he didn't care if it amused Seb and distracted them both with something silly, he was more than happy to go with the flow.

He couldn't help himself checking to see how much Sebastian had eaten; not much.

“You going to have some more of that?” he prompted.

Sebastian looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

“Are you channeling my mother?”

Mark sighed and shook his head. Sebastian stroked along his arm.

“I just can't force it. It'll make me feel ill.”

“Okay,” agreed Mark quietly. He had to trust that Seb knew his own body. The last thing he wanted was to make him feel worse.

“I'll have a decent breakfast, I promise.”

Mark nodded.

“Well we can have a bit of a lie-in tomorrow can't we?”

With the race not starting until two pm there was a long run-up in comparison to the other days. The plan was still to get to the track with plenty of time for Seb to prepare, spending time with the team and doing whatever he needed to do to get ready without rushing. There was certainly no media work scheduled. Britta had warned off all the broadcasters from trying to approach him on the grid before the race in any way and she seemed confident that they would obey her request seeing as this had been a part of the agreement that gave select people interviews back on Thursday.

“Yeah.”

“Right, well shall I get rid of these?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark took the plates to dump them back in the corridor, then sat back down on the bed with him.

 

“Now then, do you want to watch more of this, put a film on? What do you fancy?”

Sebastian shrugged. He didn't care as long as it was nothing to do with the real world and he spent his evening with Mark.

“Tell you what, why don't we have a nice relaxing bath?”

A smile crept onto Sebastian's face. There was an impressively large bath in their spacious bathroom in addition to the shower, it had been unused up until now. He didn't need a wash seeing as he had showered earlier, but that wasn't the point.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark nodded and got up to go and run the bath. Seb switched off the TV and stretched out on the bed, lying sideways across it. Mark came back through, thinking it would take quite a while for the bath to fill. He sat beside Sebastian and ran a hand over his middle, getting him to open his eyes which had temporarily closed.

“You're not going to fall asleep are you darling?” he teased.

Sebastian looked at him, not sitting up.

“No not just yet.”

It wasn't much past seven, even for Seb that was early.

Mark lowered himself to rest on his elbow by Seb, he moved his hand and put it at the side of Sebastian's head as he turned to look at him, then stroked over his hair.

“Alright?”

“Just thinking.”

Mark wasn't sure that sounded good.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, just...” Sebastian sighed. “I don't know why I got so worked up earlier. I hate that I do that.”

Mark frowned and lowered himself further and closer to Sebastian.

“No darling, don't feel bad about that. Of course you were upset. I was upset. That was a terrible thing to happen.”

Sebastian scrunched his face, still incapable of not thinking badly of himself.

“I just fall so fast.”

“ _Seb_ ,” Mark sighed. “Stop being so critical of yourself. Anyone would have reacted that way. It's totally normal to be upset.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes darling.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I just feel like I over-react to things.”

Mark shook his head.

“No, really Seb you don't. You have totally natural reactions to things, it's just I think you spent too long forcing yourself _not_ to have those reactions. The way you are now is completely normal.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. God Seb, some of the things people say to you are so... just _awful_ stuff and you keep going and you always find a way to turn it around and give them a positive answer, keep things on track and say what you know you need to, make jokes, keep the media happy...”

“Not today.”

“I think it was just the final straw sweetheart.”

“I didn't say anything back at all. I just walked away.”

“Good,” replied Mark defiantly. “Really darling I mean it. There are limits. He didn't deserve any response. All those damn journos trying to wind you up. They've been trying to get to you all weekend. I don't know how you kept on this long.”

“Mm, well.”

“He went too far. Even if he didn't know what affect that would have on you, he ought to have had just a tiny bit of empathy and known it was an awful thing to say.”

Seb sighed.

“Well if his intention was to get me to react then it worked.”

Mark brow furrowed, he knew that to be true and no doubt there would be a spiteful little piece in at least one of the papers tomorrow exploiting that moment for all it was worth to put Sebastian down, but he wasn’t going to mention that and no chance were they going to let Sebastian go looking at the news even if he wanted to, which Mark was pretty sure he didn't.

He stroked his hand over Sebastian hair.

“Forget that. I know it's horrible, but try. Britta'll get that reporter expelled as soon as she can and you won't have to see him again hopefully.

“Yeah I suppose.”

“And every time she does that, it should send a message to the rest of them,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. I know she's doing her best.”

Mark nodded.

“Are you still feeling upset about it, what he said?”

 

Sebastian thought. He had calmed down a lot from his initial shock.

“I don't know. I think it was a bit of delayed reaction. You know, because I hadn't thought about what happened to me in that way.”

“Yeah.”

Mark thought that perhaps Sebastian had been unconsciously repressing a full understanding of the consequences of his accident.

He stroked his hand lower, to caress Seb's cheek.

“I meant what I said; we've just got to try to think of it as a second chance. It feels like a miracle that you're here with me and I won't ever undervalue that.”

“Me either,” Seb agreed.

Mark nodded and moved in to kiss him, his hand sliding around to gently hold Sebastian's head in place as the kiss deepened and they lost themselves in the moment. As Seb pulled away for air Mark suddenly remembered and jumped up.

“Oh fuck, the bath!”

He raced through and turned off the taps, Seb following him to see the bathtub full right to the very brim.

“That was close,” Seb observed.

Mark turned back to him and nodded.

“Nearly too close,” he smiled. “You're very distracting darling.”

Sebastian smiled as well and walked over to stand by him, giving Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“You too Liebling.”

 

 

They waited while the overflow let the excess water run out, undressed and put towels ready. Mark plunged his hand into the water and pulled out the plug to let the water down a little more so it wouldn't spill out with both of them in there. He looked at some of the freebies the hotel left lined up on the side.

“Bath oils.”

Mark opened a couple up and had a sniff at the contents, offering the one labelled sandalwood over for Seb to smell.

“Shall I stick some in? he proposed.

Sebastian smiled. It wasn't the sort of thing they had at home, but it did smell nice.

“Um, sure. Might make us all slippery though.”

Mark chuckled.

“Are you worried I won't be able to hold onto you?”

“I'm sure you'll manage.”

Mark grinned and poured some of the oil into the water and swirled it around with his hand, then chucked in a bit more. The idea of Seb all warm and slippery in his arms definitely wasn't unappealing. He checked the smaller towel was there ready to put behind his head and turned to Seb.

“Getting in then?”

“Yeah, umm...”

The oil looked pretty diluted and they weren't small bottles so Mark had lobbed in fair amount, unfamiliar with using such things. Seb's comment about it being slippery was probably accurate, so Mark took his hand to help him so he didn't fall over. Sebastian stepped carefully in, his foot immediately sliding a little on the base.

“Whoa.”

Mark had his other hand quickly under Seb's arm and he made sure he lowered down safely. As soon as he had, the pair of them were laughing again.

“There's a chance I may have overdone it,” Mark admitted.

“Mm, never mind, doesn't matter.”

Seb half-turned and offered up his own hands to help Mark climb in behind him, the two of them manoeuvring to fit in, slipping about a bit and both laughing as water sloshed about, soaking Seb before Mark even managed to sit down properly. Mark shook his head then dropped his chin onto Seb's shoulder as he slid his arms around him.

“Sorry darling, that wasn't very elegant,” he apologised.

Seb turned as much as he could and tried to push up to give him a kiss, succeeding in slipping forwards and Mark having to grab tight hold of Seb to prevent him dunking entirely under the water.

 

“Oh my god,” laughed Sebastian, thinking that this wasn't how things were in movies where everything romantic was smooth and perfect. Reality usually seemed far more clumsy and hesitant with him especially not always quite sure what came next.

Mark slipped a little himself as he tugged Seb up close, pressing into his back, and grinning.

“Seems I will have to hang onto you after all.”

“Are you complaining?” teased Seb.

Mark smoother his hands over Sebastian's slick skin and kissed just below his ear before speaking into it.

“Oh definitely not darling.”

Sebastian fitted his hands over Mark's as he continued to stroke over his body, soft but deliberate. Mark rested the side of his face against Seb's, pressing into his back as they sat there.

“That nice?”

“Mmm, very nice Liebling.”

Mark smiled and leaned further around to kiss Seb's cheek.

“Good.”

 

Mark gave him a squeeze and was sure he could still feel some tension in Seb. It was hardly surprising after the day they'd had, indeed several days in a row.

“Just relax darling,” coaxed Mark.

Sebastian took in a deep breath and tried to force himself to let go. Mark moved his hands to rub slowly up and down Seb's upper arms and over his shoulders. With the oil on his skin it felt like a massage and Seb let out a little sighed, 'mmmph,' noise.

“Lean back with me.”

“'kay.”

Mark let go of Sebastian a second to put the folded up small towel on the lip of the bath behind him to rest his head on, then settled himself into position. Seb hesitated to move, not wanting to slip again.

“Lean back,” repeated Mark.

Seb had turned a little to look at him and Mark smiled and reached out his hand onto Seb's arm.

“Come on, just lie with me. I won't let you slip away.”

Sebastian let Mark coax him into position, using both hands on the side of the bath to prevent him sliding and finally relaxing as he leaned back into Mark's chest, resting his head by his shoulder and sighing out as Mark wrapped his arms back around him to hold Seb firmly in place.

“There we go,” smiled Mark.

“Yeah,” sighed Sebastian.

“Comfortable like this?” Mark checked.

“Mmm.”

“Good.”

Sebastian placed his arms over Mark's and at last felt as though he wasn't going to slide away, just so long as he didn't move too much. Mark kissed his cheek and Seb turned his head further to see if he couldn't find a way to kiss Mark properly without moving his body, smiling into it as they succeeded, Mark tipping his head down and around to meet his lips. As they pulled apart they moved back in to rest their heads together more comfortably. Then Sebastian let out another sigh and turned to face forwards, his head resting back just below Mark's shoulder now.

The water was warm and the scented oil wasn't too strong, just enough to lend a different atmosphere. Sebastian started to relax more and more. The weekend might be stressful, but this was their little sanctuary, a safe haven. He couldn't think of anything better than being right here, enveloped in Mark's strong arms, feeling his chest slowly moving. He let out another long breath and closed his eyes, then forced them open again.

Mark noticed and kissed his temple.

“It's okay, close your eyes and relax. I won't let you drown.”

Seb smiled lazily, hardly the energy to turn to look at Mark.

“My rock,” he mumbled.

“Yeah.”

“My slippery rock.”

Mark chuckled and Sebastian smiled even wider at the lovely feeling of Mark laughing against him.

“Mmm.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes again and allowed himself to drift, almost literally so as he lay in the water. He let himself switch off, his body going slack and his breathing slowing. Mark was relaxing too as he hung onto him. Nothing was more comforting to Mark than holding Sebastian in his arms, knowing he was safe and happy, if only in that moment. Mark knew he could never explain to others what this meant to him, the feeling it induced to know he was protecting Seb as he always wanted to. He'd tried to hint to Fernando, but it was almost impossible to convey. When he'd said it was difficult for him to be in a different room to Seb, what he'd really meant was that it was difficult not to have _this_ , not to hold Sebastian tight at all times, to know he was his and when they were like this no one could hurt him.

Mark stretched out his legs either side of Sebastian and rested his feet on the end of the bath. This one was even bigger than their one at home and it occurred to Mark that it was like that saying; 'Everything's bigger in Texas.' He smiled to himself thinking that there were a whole heap of jokes inherent in that phrase. In this instance he definitely appreciated it, as he did the king-sized bed in the next room. Being tall had its advantages, but often it meant making do and it was nice not to.

It had been a pain in the arse in F1. Always told that; _H_ _mm_ , if only Mark was a little smaller, a little shorter, it would be better, give him an advantage he lacked in the car. The cars had always been better adapted to Seb, whether the team did that deliberately or not. He was simply the correct size for an F1 driver, or more correct anyway. Mark suspected some designers would happily stick pint-sized jockeys in there if they could teach them to drive. WEC was a little more forgiving in that regard and he wasn't disappointed to be driving in that category nowadays. He'd had his chance in F1 and made the best he could of it.

If Seb hadn't wanted to come back to F1 a guilty part of Mark might have been relieved; Seb permanently out of danger and able to spend more time with him rather than rushing around the world from race to race. He could have simply come along with Mark as far as possible. Maybe a couple of middle-eastern countries wouldn't welcome them as a couple, but apart from that it would be nice just to have Seb supporting him the whole time, and then the rest of time at home, living their ordinary life in the countryside filled with walking muddy dogs and nice times like this, cuddled up together on the sofa, in the bath, in bed.

Mark let out a long sigh. It was a nice idea, but Sebastian deserved more than merely existing to keep him happy. The man he loved was ambitious and driven, he was strong and successful and nothing inside Mark really wanted to do anything other than help him get back to achieving all that Seb deserved. He was still so young, barely out of his mid-twenties. At his age Mark had still only been just beginning his career in F1. Seb had achieved so much already, but he should have more, much more. There was no way all that talent and hard work and a lifetime devoted to the sport could go to waste. Mark couldn't let that happen.

If Seb had turned around earlier and said it wasn't worth it, that the remorseless attacks from the media and all the angst and suffering he went through made him not want to do this anymore Mark wouldn't have stopped him from walking away, but if he still wanted it, then nothing, absolutely nothing, ought to stand in his way and Mark was going to do everything he could to help him.

He nuzzled his face down against the side of Sebastian's and mumbled absently.

“Nothing's going to stop us.”

 

Sebastian turned slightly at the noise.

“Hmm?”

He opened his eyes to see, and Mark gave Sebastian a soft look.

“Nothing, go back to sleep.”

“I wasn't asleep,” protested Sebastian, but his drowsy voice and half-lidded eyes suggested otherwise.

Mark smiled, thinking how gorgeous Seb looked like this, all relaxed and languid. The stress of the day washed away.

Sebastian took in a deep breath and sighed it out.

“This is so nice. I could stay like this forever.”

Mark grinned.

“We'd turn into prunes.”

Sebastian chuckled with laughter.

“And I've got enough...” continued Mark.

Sebastian turned a little in his arms.

“Ah, no,” Seb interrupted, knowing exactly what Mark was about to say next. He was not allowed to fit in a comment about him being wrinkly already.

 

Mark was about to tease him by carrying on anyway, but Seb tried to turn further round and Mark made the mistake of loosening his grip on him. Sebastian suddenly slipped as he moved, whooshing down as his oil-coated skin got no purchase on either Mark's equally oily body or the bathtub around them. He let out a startled noise as he shot forwards and down, somehow turning at the same time resulting in his head dipping under the water. Mark only just managed to grab hold of him and haul Seb up, now lying facing him and setting Sebastian as firmly as he could into his chest.

Sebastian looked a little thrown as he didn't even know how he had managed that in this small space, but oily water and oily bodies made for a very slippery combination and even as Mark put his hands on Seb's waist to pull him higher he was struggling to hang onto him. Seb lifted up and tried to put his arms around Mark's neck to cling on there so Mark sat up, letting go of Seb for a second to put his hands on the side of the bath and poor Seb was sliding again before Mark took back hold.

“Oh my god!” Seb exclaimed in exasperation.

Mark was about to sympathise with Sebastian struggling, but the sensation of Seb slithering against him was far too nice and he started laughing again at how ridiculous this was.

“Mark you're not helping,” complained Sebastian.

“Okay, okay. Are you alright? It didn't go in your eyes did it?”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head, water dripping from him as he did so.

Mark shifted up enough and this time managed it without letting go of Seb who did what he'd been trying to before and got his arms around Mark's neck to hang on to him as Mark sat a little higher out of the water succeeding in not sliding, then lay them back against the angled end of the bath.

“There.”

Sebastian puffed, then relaxed back into lying with him, finally releasing a little laugh.

“It's like trying to hold onto an eel,” commented Mark.

“Less oil next time I think.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

 

Sebastian was lying on top of him now and Mark could only think how great it felt, and how wonderful Seb looked dripping wet. He hitched him higher so their faces were level and they smiled at each other for a moment before they began to kiss, their bodies sliding against one another in the most delightful way.

Mark pulled his head back a little, knowing they were in danger of getting carried away. The idea of having Seb right here was almost overpowering, even if it might be logistically tricky and possibly result in one or other of them nearly drowning, or at the very least flooding the bathroom, but Mark couldn't forget that it was race day tomorrow and it wasn't a good idea with Seb in the car. He needed to calm things down or his brain might not be so interested in reason.

Both their chests were working a little more and as Mark looked into Seb's eyes he saw them already darker, the lashes wet and his gaze more intense. Fuck he wanted him, wanted him _right_ now. Mark could feel himself getting harder and no amount of rational thinking could make it go away with Seb pressed into him like this.

Sebastian felt Mark hard cock pressing into him and a heat ran through his skin.

“Mark.”

“Yeah.”

Mark closed his eyes, his mouth falling half-open. He was trying to redirect his brain, but that went totally out of the window as he felt Seb let go from around his neck with one arm and slide his hand down, managing to lift his hips slightly to fit it between them, fumbling to grasp hold of him.

“Oh god,” breathed Mark, his eyes shooting open to see Sebastian grinning at him. He took a sharp breath as Sebastian moved his hand, starting to carefully stroke up and down his cock.

“Fuck.”

“Nice?” teased Seb.

“Oh my god,” was all Mark could manage again, his voice getting rougher and breathier with every stroke of Seb's hand.

Sebastian could feel the top of his cheeks flushing, all of his body getting warmer as blood started flowing faster and soon he was as hard as Mark was.

They were staring into each other's eyes, barely an inch apart. Mark was frantically trying to keep hold of Seb so they stayed in the same position, but not so tight that they couldn't move against one another. He risked letting go with one hand and did the same as Seb to return the favour, each stroking the other, trying to retain enough sense to keep themselves in place as their bodies slid together. The hand which Mark had around Seb's body kept slipping and all that did was encourage Mark to continually grab at him, pulling Seb in and massaging into his skin. Seb's arm around Mark's neck kept his head tipped up and helped him lean in to kiss Sebastian. They started to get lost in it, conscious thought evaporating as they deepened the kiss and ran out of breath, noses brushing, mouths only parting far enough to grab air and dive in again, panting as they separated and their movements sped up. Each tried to leave enough concentration to pay attention to what they were doing for the other, starting to work in time and knowing each other well enough to feel how close they were getting.

Mark tried to hang on a little longer, but he couldn't, it was too much, all the tension in him that had built up now trying to escape. He was overwhelmed by the feeling of Seb's hand moving on his cock, his hand on Seb's, their bodies slipping and sliding and seeing Seb's lips so dark and beautiful as they parted, trying to take in air. He kissed them hard and with that Mark came, gasping into Sebastian's mouth as it crushed against his own.

Sebastian pulled away and moaned, closing his eyes as he lost control, not even noticing the way the water spilled over the side as he jerked up and then dropped down into Mark, sliding down slightly as his body went limp and they let go of each other. He dropped the side of his head into Mark's chest, keeping it just above the water level, both of them still fighting to return air to their lungs.

 

Mark leaned his head back onto edge of the bath. The towel had fallen off but he didn't care. He let his mouth fall wide open, taking in great gulps of oxygen to spark his dazzled brain back into life. Only after a minute of this did he realise that Sebastian had at some point let go of around his neck and he moved both hands to try to hold onto him to ensure Seb couldn't slip any further into the water. Sebastian had closed his eyes and curled slightly on his side to rest, his weight on Mark's left hip. Mark kept that arm around him, holding Seb in, and with the other he risked letting go of Seb's waist to stroke it down Sebastian's arm that he had previously been clinging on with and was now sat on Mark's chest.

Sebastian's brain was still swirling as he came down. He instinctively rubbed his cheek into Mark's chest, only a fractional corner of his mind recognising that it felt somewhat different like this, wet and slick. He smoothed his cheek back and forth and a satisfied smile crept onto Seb's face, which Mark echoed as he looked down at him. Mark wanted to say something, but his brain felt empty and all he could think was, 'wow'.

Seb let out another long sigh and reopened his eyes. He could feel Mark's heart thumping away beneath his chest where he lay and he wanted to tell Mark how he loved that sensation but he wasn't quite up to speaking yet. Instead he merely got himself together enough to tip his head back a little more to see Mark smiling down at him. They stared silently for a few moments, then Sebastian took Mark's spare hand and placed it over his heart so he could feel how hard Seb's was beating.

Sebastian lifted up a fraction and Mark tried to keep hold of him to pull him higher but they still felt boneless and uncoordinated and he didn't get very much further, so Mark ducked his head down and they managed a kiss despite the odd angle. Sebastian kept Mark's hand where it was and as they parted he finally spoke.

“Still beating.”

Mark looked at him and nodded tightly. He could feel Sebastian's heart working. Mark wanted to cry and he didn't at the same time.

“Yeah,” he breathed, “yeah.”

“For you, beating for you.”

Mark nodded again. He blinked back tears. Sebastian was alive and lying in his arms. Seb's heart beating for him. His life was a gift re-given. Mark would never allow himself to feel he was unlucky ever again.

  
  


  
  


They lay together until they gathered enough energy to move and to clumsily sit once more, hanging onto one another for balance that was hard to find when they were still wet and slippery, but neither wanted to complain about that. Sebastian managed to reach for the plug to let the water drain away and reached for the attached shower-head so they could rinse off and get properly clean, setting the water to a cooler temperature to wake themselves enough to complete this task for each other, then carefully found a way to climb out without breaking their necks. The bath-mat was soaked so they threw down towels, thankful that there were plenty of them and smiling as Sebastian joked about what the poor room-maid would think.

Mark took the fluffy white towel that Sebastian had wrapped around himself and eased it off him to take his time drying him carefully, Seb smiling and feeling just a little silly and wonderful at the same time, before repaying him in kind. Mark found another small towel as Sebastian collected the hotel dressing-gowns hung on the door, passing one to Mark as he pulled on his own. Mark paused to do the same, then stood by Sebastian and dried off his hair for him with the towel.

Sebastian glanced in the mostly misted mirror by the sink and saw how curly his hair had gone. He gave it a ruffle with his hand.

“It's all steamy in here.”

Mark moved in to stand with him, slipping his hands around Seb's waist to sit at the small of his spine and pull him in close.

“I'll say,” he grinned.

Sebastian laughed back and put his arms around Mark's neck, pushing up on his toes to kiss him. Lowering back down, Seb sighed happily.

“Better?” asked Mark.

“Mmm, much.”

“Me too.”

Mark hadn't planned that little adventure into their evening but he definitely wanted to try it again some time. He grinned at that idea and leaned in to speak into Seb's ear as if someone else might be listening in.

“We'll have to try that again at home.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah.”

No objections from him, only that perhaps they ought to work on their balance a little more.

Mark's smile turned a little more wolfish and he kept his head dipped down, moving to brush their noses together before returning to Seb's ear.

“Only next time I want to be inside you.”

Sebastian took in an unexpected little gasp, a sudden thrill running through him. He looked at Mark with wider eyes and Mark wondered how he could still manage to look so innocent, his cheeks still a little pinked and those damn big blue eyes, those lovely long lashes, his full lips now curling into a smile that was anything _but_ innocent as Seb nodded. A new thrum of excitement ran through Sebastian and he wished they didn't have to wait to try that. He used his arms around him to pull Mark in for a kiss and then took his own turn to whisper in Mark's ear.

“I wish we could now.”

Mark flicked his eyebrows in appreciation of the notion.

“Well aren't you keen?”

“Very. Always, always for you.”

Mark pulled him in even tighter and went to kiss him again. He pulled away with a softer smile and raised a teasing raised eyebrow.

“Such a shame you have to race tomorrow.”

Seb laughed, thinking exactly the same.

“Mmm, well we've got tomorrow night.”

“Ah yes,” smiled Mark. “After our date.”

“Yes.”

“Is that a promise?” he teased.

Sebastian nodded. Right now he couldn't wait for it to be tomorrow night.

“Well there's a nice thought to keep us going,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. Shall we just go to bed now Liebling?”

“Yeah I think so.” Mark huffed a laugh. “I don't know about you, but I'm worn out.”

 

Going for round two was a pretty tempting idea, but then so was curling up together and going to sleep, so they completed the mundane tasks of cleaning their teeth and hanging up wet towels to dry before heading through and setting alarms for the morning. They settled in under the duvet, dressing gowns discarded. Sebastian lay himself partly over Mark's chest again and put his hand on the other side as it had been before, he hooked a leg over Mark's to feel nicely tangled up and smiled as Mark squeezed him tight. Sebastian tipped his head up to look at Mark as he ran his hand over him.

“Your skin feels all nice and soft.”

Mark smiled back.

“Your skin always feels soft.”

“Does it?”

“Mmm, lovely and soft.”

Mark smoothed his right hand over Sebastian's torso.

“Lovely,” he repeated and leaned in to kiss Seb's nose.

Sebastian let out a happy sigh and kissed Mark's chest in turn before setting his cheek back down and closing his eyes. His only thought about tomorrow was that they could get up late and as it was still not yet nine they were going to have the longest, nicest sleep. His breathing lengthened and within moments Seb had soundly dropped off, Mark only lasting a minute or two longer before he joined him.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That scene towards the end there sort of accidentally leapt onto the page unplanned, which I suppose is ironic, it also stands as incidentally symbolic (which I only realised after writing it, my sub-conscious at play again).


	100. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave - Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go then, the day of the big race...

* * *

 

 

 

Sebastian woke earlier than he intended to. His body-clock was already confused by being over here, but for the past few days they had been getting up early, so he had automatically woken at something close to that today. He'd slipped a little in the night so Sebastian shuffled himself up and pressed the side of his face into Mark's chest. Mark seemed to still be fast asleep, his chest gently rising and falling and Sebastian smiled to feel it as he snuggled his cheek in. He felt Mark hug him in tighter with his left arm that remained across Seb's middle so he tipped his head up to see, but Mark's eyes were closed. Sebastian felt even happier to know that Mark's natural reaction even when unconscious, was to keep him close.

Seb took in a nice deep breath and thought Mark smelt like a combination of his normal scent and the bath oil they had used last night. He found himself smiling as he thought back and sighed as he closed his eyes, settling in and thinking that this, and last night, and a thousand other little moments with Mark were what kept him going when things got tough. He tried not to think too much about what lay ahead today or what had happened at the circuit yesterday and what that reporter had said to upset him. Maybe he had died, but Mark was right, he should focus on the fact he had come back and this, right here, this was what he had come back for. With that comforting thought Seb drifted back to sleep.

 

He woke an hour or so later, lazily nuzzling into Mark's chest before turning his head to see Mark smiling at him.

“Morning,” greeted Mark.

Sebastian smiled back. From the sound of Mark's voice he'd been awake for a while, but he hadn't moved. Seb took in a breath and lifted his head.

“Hey.”

“Good sleep?”

“Perfect. You?”

“Yeah very nice mate.”

Seb moved up so he could lie level with Mark, shifting off his chest to lie into his side and putting his head on Mark's shoulder.

“What time is it?”

Mark reached over with his spare hand and found his phone to check.

“Not yet eight. We've got a bit of time yet.”

“Good.”

Mark turned back and gave Sebastian a morning kiss, resting their faces together and slipping his right hand back under the covers to skim it over Seb's skin. Just nice, simple, nothing pressured. At home they might be picking things up, but now wasn't the right time and the lingering glow from last night was enough. Mark smiled and raised his hand to place it over where Seb kept his hand resting on Mark's chest.

“You want to maybe get breakfast sent up?”

“Hm?” responded Sebastian, still a little sleepy. “Breakfast in bed you mean?”

“If you want.”

Seb nodded. Anything that meant they got to stay longer like this was a good idea.

“Righto,” Mark agreed.

 

They left it another few minutes, then Mark rang down from the hotel telephone at the side of the bed. Jumping out of bed when there was a knock on the door announcing the arrival of the food, Mark crossed the room towards the door when he was stopped by Seb sitting up.

“Mark!”

Mark looked back at the expression on Sebastian's face, somewhere between shock and amusement. He looked down, realising for the first time that he wasn't dressed.

“Oh good point. Don't want the poor guy dropping the breakfast tray.”

Sebastian was sat up, shaking with laughter as Mark made an effort to at least find some underwear to pull on to spare the blushes of the member of staff. He hid the smile on his face as he opened the door, thanked the hotel worker and took the tray quickly before bringing it over to the bed where Sebastian was still sat with the duvet up to his middle, giggling away.

Mark dumped the large tray on Seb's lap.

“Okay next time you get it.”

Sebastian simply grinned at him.

“Maybe you shouldn't have bothered.”

Mark rolled his eyes.

“I'm sure the poor staff waiting around on all of us have enough to put up with without that kind of rude awakening.”

“I wouldn't complain,” smiled Seb.

Mark smiled back and leaned in over the tray to give him a kiss.

“I should hope not. Right. Hang on to that.”

 

He indicated the tray full of food and drink and went round to climb back into bed. Seb held the tray up and let Mark settle back in, rearranging the pillows so they could lean back comfortably before Seb set the tray back down to balance between them. Seb was far hungrier than he had been the night before and it wasn't hard to keep his promise to eat plenty to make up for then. When they had finished eating, Seb put the tray out of the way on the side table and brushed crumbs off the duvet, then passed Mark his half-drunk cup of tea back while Mark slunk his other arm around Sebastian's shoulder to hold him in.

“This is nice,” commented Mark.

“Mmm,” agreed Seb.

“Maybe we should at home?”

Seb gave a slight shrug.

“I like having breakfast in the kitchen.”

“Yeah me too.”

Sebastian let out a sighed breath.

“I miss home Liebling.”

“Me too.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Guess we picked the wrong jobs.”

“Mm. All races from now on will take place at Silverstone,” suggested Seb.

“Oh? You're in charge now are you?”

“I think so. Oh and one each in Germany and Australia.”

Mark nodded.

“Now you're talking. I promote you to take Bernie and Jean Todt's roles over with immediate effect.”

“Excellent.”

Sebastian dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder and Mark kissed the top of his head. They were deliberately avoiding being serious and thinking about the day ahead and they both knew it, but that could wait for as long as possible. Five more minutes then they could get up, shower and set themselves up to face the world. Just five more minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

A little while later they walked into the paddock. Britta a pace in front of them, half paying attention to the crowds already milling around, half looking at her phone as she had been for most of the journey here. Both Mark and Seb knew that she was going over all the media coverage out there, but they didn't want to know. Instead they concentrated on each other, keeping a hold of each other's hand and trying to hang on to the good mood from this morning for as long as possible. At least the weather was doing its bit. The sky had returned to the perfect bright blue from earlier in the week and the sun was beating down with a heat more appropriate to England in May than the first day of November.

 

They reached the base and went straight to check in with Christian in his office. It was only when they were all stood in his office that it occurred to Mark that strictly speaking he ought not to be in here, but sometimes all of them forgot that he wasn't part of the team any more. He was Seb's team now, just as Seb was his team. Parting from him was always difficult and was going to be murder today, so Mark decided that if Christian said nothing about him being here then he couldn't care all that much.

All they ended up discussing was the broadest plans for the day. The schedule Britta had planned for Seb: A few minutes to settle in, then down to the garage to do some preparations with the team, then back for a massage with Antti to set him up, a quick once-over with Dr. Phillips, then a little break and then the drivers' parade which Sebastian was glad to be reminded consisted of individual classic cars transporting the drivers around to wave to the crowds. That meant they wouldn't have a television crew accompanying them round which was something of a lucky break. Yesterday Britta had collared the person doing the parade interviews to get a cast-iron guarantee that their sole question to Seb if they spoke to him before or after the parade would be; 'Are you looking forward to today?' which didn't take much to reply with a positive. Other than that he was due to have no media encounters whatsoever and Britta was planning on staying glued to his side to make damn sure of that.

She and Christian had had plenty of discussions about what they were trying to do with Seb this weekend; to keep him in as good a place to be able to race. So far this seemingly simple plan had been repeatedly derailed, but not today. Britta and Christian had eaten breakfast together downstairs before Christian had come down here to set up and Britta had gone for a nice long swim in the hotel pool to set herself up for the day. Today was _not_ going to get derailed, not even if it took her flattening any media that tried to ambush Seb.

 

Christian looked up from where he sat perched on the edge of his desk facing them.

“Right, so that all sound good Sebi?”

“Sure,” nodded Sebastian.

“Good.”

Christian glanced and Mark who gave him a little affirmative nod. He was very relieved to see that his driver seemed in a good place this morning. He'd bet that was down to Mark. Christian was keeping his expectations as vague as possible when he'd been speaking to Sebastian about what result they were hoping for today. Points were mentioned as being the aim but in all honesty Christian thought he'd settle for an uneventful race for Seb to get back into the swing of things. This weekend had been far more stressful for Sebastian than he had anticipated. In the circumstances a mid-field finish wouldn't be so bad, finishing at all would be something to work from. He was praying there would be no more car faults for Seb and for godsake no crashes. None of them would do too well if that occurred.

“Right, so if you want to get on. Dan should be here shortly and once I've spoken to him I'll be in the garage.”

“Righto,” agreed Seb.

Christian nodded back, giving no indication on his face at how it amused him whenever he heard Sebastian use that phrase.

 

 

 

Not long after, Sebastian was stood in the garage, Mark in the corner yet again.

Just as Seb was finishing up talking to his engineers about how the warmer weather might require them to juggle things around a little based on his feedback in addition to the data readings to judge when they needed to pit, Helmut Marko strode over from talking to Daniel and slapped his hand down on Sebastian's shoulder.

“All set then?”

Sebastian turned around, successfully encouraging Dr. Marko to take his hand off his shoulder.

“Yep, pretty much.”

“Good, well we're hoping for a good result today.”

“Mm,” nodded Seb, thinking; 'When _aren't_ we hoping for that?'

“Time to pick up all those team points yet this year, even if, well perhaps we won't worry too much about the driver standings.”

“Whatever I can do to help,” offered Sebastian.

It only occurred to him then that he had no idea where he currently stood in the WDC. Given that he had missed three races, plus obviously gaining no points at Monza, Seb couldn't imagine his spot in the championship table was all that high. A shame really seeing as he'd been doing much better this year. Not any threat to the Mercedes, but respectable. Typical of Helmut to think of how Seb could boost the team's score in the constructors' tally. Maybe that was unfair. It was his job to think of the team's prospects and by Helmut's standards, commenting that they were less worried about Sebastian's individual result actually qualified as him trying to be understanding. Seb couldn't help himself though. Dr. Marko represented more pressure to perform and his very presence increased his anxiety levels.

Sebastian turned to glance at his engineering team.

“Right, was there more to go over?”

“Not for now. We're going to keep checking track temp and a few other things and we'll have another chat when you're back.”

“Okay.” Seb looked at his boss. “I, um, think I'm due back.”

“Ah of course, well we’ll see you in a bit.”

Sebastian made good his escape and got to the back of the garage to speak to Mark.

 

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Mm, yeah fine. Think there's at least some hope with this weather by the sounds of it.”

“Good, course there is.”

Mark looked over at Dr. Marko.

“What did he want?”

Sebastian automatically placed a calming hand on Mark's arm.

“Nothing really, just checking in. It's fine.”

Mark took in a breath and nodded. He was always suspicious of his former boss given their history and frankly he hadn't liked the way he'd put a hand on Seb. Mark didn't care if that was irrationally possessive. He blamed Marko for being behind the young driver programme that had put far too much on Seb too young and he wasn't about to forgive him for that, even if Helmut had no idea of the consequences.

Mark tried to forget about Dr. Marko as he usually tried to whenever he was in the garage. He gave Sebastian a smile and picked his tone up.

“Right then, we off back?”

Sebastian nodded.

 

Sebastian went through his steps as prescribed by Britta: He got his massage with the ever taciturn Antti, he checked in with Dr. Phillips who raised an eyebrow when he took Seb's pulse, but Seb dismissed it as adrenaline and before he knew it he was back in the garage again, the morning slipping away unchecked as race-time grew ever closer. He tried not to look at the time any more, it only made Seb more anxious. Sebastian leaned in over the computer screens and nodded along with what the engineers were saying. He just had to concentrate on this and he'd be fine.

 

 

 

 

Mark sat out at the back of the garage. Nearly midday already, how had that happened? Time was flying and the closer they got to the start time of two pm the more nervous Mark got. He'd smiled and nodded when Seb climbed into the car one more time just to get a feel for things and they finalised what tiny tweaks they were allowed to make under parc fermé conditions, but the sight of Sebastian in the car today had made Mark feel suddenly sick and he'd excused himself to Britta and gone to stand outside.

He paced about, taking deep inhales of air, then as he calmed down Mark sat on one of the smaller packing boxes near the rear of the garage. They were tucked behind one of the team trucks so he stayed out of sight of the marauding crowds in the paddock.

He looked up through the gap between the high-sided trucks and the pit building, checking that the sliver of sky visible there remained blue. Like Seb, Mark was in a t-shirt and was glad that the temperature was higher than the day before if it gave Seb any kind of advantage in the race. God, _the race_. Mark felt sick again. He closed his eyes and took slow breaths through his nose, picking up the scent of engine oil and high-octane petrol, somewhere in the distance was a barbecue, he could smell burgers frying. They turned his stomach even more.

 

“Hey, you alright?”

Mark jerked his head up and opened his eyes to see DC stood in front of him.

“Huh?”

Mark reached a hand around to rub the back of his neck and tried to pull himself together. He tried on a smile, but it didn't seem to fit his face.

DC looked around to see if anyone was about and seeing no one, ducked down by his friend.

“Mark, how're you doing? Seb's in the garage I presume?”

“Yeah.”

“Not long to go now.”

Mark closed his eyes for another second. He didn't need reminding.

“Sorry,” apologised David. “Gonna be hard today, huh?”

Mark huffed out a mirthless laugh.

“Hard, yeah. To be honest mate I'm fucking terrified.”

DC sighed and nodded. He'd never heard Mark talk like that before, but then this wasn't like anything he'd been through before. Being older than his former team-mate David had. Not the same of course, nothing like so personal, but he'd been a garage that was struggling to regroup and find a way to go on. Coming in as the replacement for Ayrton Senna at Williams after his fatal crash had been the very definition of an impossible task and the atmosphere at the team had been difficult to put it mildly.

He had been watching the race on TV back in 1994 and echoes of that crash with Seb's at Monza had resonated the moment DC saw it unfold before him. That strange air of unreality and the instant unmistakeable sense that this was bad, very bad. The silence on Sebastian's radio had been too long and it had spread across the whole circuit despite the noise of those cars still running around unaware. He didn't want to think about it, but Seb returning to race today meant it was on everyone's mind. How that felt for Mark, David couldn’t begin to imagine.

 

His usual fall-back was to make a joke of things, but this clearly wasn't appropriate. DC nodded at his friend, trying to think of something reassuring to say.

“He's tough, right?”

“Yeah.”

David gave Mark a pat on the knee and a smile as he looked at him, trying to cheer him up. In this bright sunshine Mark looked pale. David wouldn't dream of saying anything but it struck him again that Mark had aged in the past two months. It was in his eyes more than the occasional grey hair at his temples.

“So he'll be fine,” David assured.

Mark took a deep breath and nodded.

“Yeah. He will, I know. It's just...”

DC nodded.

 

Mark tried to shake himself out of it.

“Shouldn't you be off filming somewhere?”

“Oh, well only highlights this race, all the VTs are done so I've a while before I've got to get to the grid.”

Mark looked at him sharply.

“You're not talking to him today,” he warned.

David stood back up and held up his hands in front of him.

“Hey I'm not going to. Britta's laid down the law. _Nobody's_ talking to Seb on the grid.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“Sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me today.”

David gave him a look. It was all too obvious what was wrong.

“It'll be fine, alright Mark. No one's going to give Seb a hard time before the race.”

Mark nodded. Only select media crews were permitted on the grid and it was a privilege none would be willing to risk.

“How is he?”

Mark gave him a look and David sighed.

“I'm not going to repeat this to anyone Mark.”

“Yeah, okay.” Mark puffed out a breath. “I mean he's fine really. He's getting down to business.”

“Best thing.”

“It's me. I've been trying to keep busy, replying to the thousand and one best wishes we've had, but...”

“Yeah. Look mate, try looking at it this way,” DC glanced at his watch. “Four hours from now this torture will be over. Seb will be fine and you can have a drink.”

Mark was tempted to joke that he could do with a couple of vodkas to try to get him there, but even the idea made him want to throw up.

“Yeah.”

 

David was just trying to think of something else to say when Sebastian and Britta appeared. Mark immediately stood up and looked better.

“Hey,” greeted Seb.

Mark gave Sebastian a smile.

“Hey sweetheart, everything alright?”

“Yeah we've just got time to grab lunch.”

“Oh right, course.”

Seb looked over.

“Hi DC.”

“Hey Seb.”

David noticed the way Britta was regarding him with suspicion, clearly categorising him as media.

“We were just having a little chat,” he pointed out casually.

“Mm,” agreed Mark vaguely.

“Right, well we should probably head over, I've not got much time before the drivers' parade.”

“Course. Well, if I don't see you...” DC caught Britta's eye again, clearly letting him know that he would definitely _not_ be seeing Seb, “good luck and everything, for the race. I'm sure you'll do great.”

“Thanks.”

 

With that the group was gone. David stood watching them walk off, Mark's arm around Seb. Once upon a time he would probably have teased Mark for calling Seb 'sweetheart,' but not any more.

 

 

 

Half an hour later Sebastian stood around waiting for the drivers' parade to be assembled. This morning had flown and now it was really starting to hit home that he was about to go racing again. Real _racing_ , not just driving. Both he and Mark had spent their lunch forcing food down to try to reassure the other that they were fine. Sebastian felt the phone in his jeans pocket buzz and saw yet another message from his brother. He was running out of things to say back, so Seb looked at his team-mate stood next to him.

“Give my brother a wave?”

Dan looked confused, then realised what Seb was suggesting and pulled a goofy face and waved at the camera so Seb could send it with a message.

SEB: Waiting for the driver parade. Dan says hi.

 

When he'd spoken to them just now Sebastian had warned his family that he was going to be busy, so they shouldn't be offended if he didn't reply to any messages, but his brother kept on sending them. He tried to take it as support, but Seb knew his family was nervous. His mother had sounded anxious on the phone for all her assurances that she knew he'd be fine and his father's attempts to sound jovial and confident had been somewhat undermined by his reminder that they didn't care where Seb finished today as long as he was okay. What Sebastian didn't know was that immediately after the call ended his mother had left the room and his father was currently sitting with her in their bedroom trying to get her to stop crying. Fabian sat downstairs with his sisters and Jan, all gathered to watch the race, sat in awkward silence now the call was over.

 

FABIAN: Dan's funny. Say hi back.

Sebastian looked up at his team-mate.

“Fabe says hi back.”

Daniel nodded. He wondered if he ought to say anything to Seb today about the race. Normally it was hardly the sort of thing you did to wish your team-mate good luck when they were your first competition, but he thought he might today. Maybe later in the garage, keep it casual. There was a weird atmosphere in there today. Different to the sombre atmosphere that had prevailed since Monza, a tension, everyone being professional, but maybe trying just a little too hard to be normal, only succeeding making it feel _less_ normal.

 

There was a delay with the classic cars out on track, everyone wished that they would just get on with it but one of the older ones had broken down. Sebastian selfishly hoped it wasn't his. It wasn't the kind of omen he was looking for today.

Some of the guys were talking in small groups as they waited. Most had said hi or at least given him a nod. Fernando had stood by him for a while, trying and failing to think of something to say and only too clearly feeling rescued by Lewis who had bounded over, in a far better mood than last night, telling him and Dan about something on Twitter that Seb had to confess he'd hardly listened to. Seb glanced down at yet another text from his brother.

FABIAN: You know you can see Stef's bump now. She just let me feel the baby kick. It's really weird.

Sebastian huffed a laugh and smiled. He wondered if perhaps he and Mark could fit in a quick hop over to visit his family between races. He was just trying to work out the potential logistics of that when he sensed somebody standing in front of him and looked up.

He stared at Kimi who was looking at him oddly. In the drivers' briefing the other day Kimi had merely given him a nod and Seb wondered if that was because he'd seen Mark stood outside. Mark had actually let Britta bring him here alone, so maybe that was why Kimi was taking this opportunity.

“Um, hi?”

Seb wasn't quite sure what that had come out as a question, but he wondered what Kimi was doing here. He hadn't received any messages from Kimi whilst he'd been off, but then Kimi didn't have his number anymore. He could have found out if he'd tried, Seb supposed, but trying wasn't really Kimi's way.

“Hi.”

There was an awkward pause. Those stood around Seb wondered if they ought to sidle off and leave them to it.

Kimi looked at Sebastian for another moment, then clearly decided to say something.

“I'm glad you're not dead.”

Everybody stared at him, Seb included.

“Wow,” coughed Dan under his breath, Lewis looking at him with raised eyebrows thinking wow didn't cover it.

Sebastian nodded.

“Right. Thanks. Me too.”

There was another awkward pause so Seb continued.

“Well, don't go getting all emotional on me.”

Kimi looked thrown by that response and merely nodded back and walked away.

Sebastian turned to look at the group around him.

Fernando furrowed his ample brows and looked at the retreating figure.

“He is a strange man.”

Lewis eyebrows were still higher than normal and Dan looked as though he was trying not to laugh. Sebastian had absolutely no idea how to respond. Kimi _was_ strange, but an odd part of him wanted to defend him and he felt bad that he'd pretty much rejected him there. Seb wasn't sure whether Kimi was likely to be around in F1 for much longer and he wondered if he ought to try to at least find a way to leave things a little better than they were. They had been friends once. They weren't likely to ever go back to that, but maybe they could sign off with something better than how things were now.

Seb shrugged it off. Literally and metaphorically. He hadn't time to be worrying about that right now. The parade cars were pulling up and drivers called to take their seat. It was time to wave and smile. Wave and smile from a distance without needing to say anything. Seb could manage that.

 

He sat up on the rear shelf of the car, glad of a little period of peace, relatively speaking. He waved occasionally and thought he got a reasonable response from the crowds, although it was hard to tell as the cars trailed around in close formation, there was applause and cheering, but he couldn't assume it was for him and not another driver. Still, that was better than an obviously negative response. Seb didn't think he could have coped if he had come back to the boos he had once faced. He had smiled through that years back, but Seb knew he would struggle now.

Sebastian found his attention drifting as they wound their way round. He stared absently at the blue sky and although he tried to concentrate on the fact that the team thought good weather ought to favour him, Seb found himself wondering insteadwhat had the weather been like on that day in Monza. No one had mentioned rain as a potential factor in the crash so it must have been dry, he knew that much, but had the sun shone? Had there been a blue sky that day too?

Seb knew he shouldn't think about it, that it was the worst thing to do and the very opposite of what he had vowed he was doing to every journalist who asked. He had to focus completely on the race and it had to be the race _ahead_ , not the race behind him. He had to put it behind him, he _had_ to.

Sebastian tried to redirect his attention out to the crowd and smiled, even though they probably too far away to see. It was what you did. It was what _he_ did. Smile, smile and say everything's fine even when that couldn't be further from the truth. That had been his old life. The one he left behind. Nothing to show on the outside that anything was wrong other than a few bruises. The real damage had been hidden away inside. Just as it had been this time. It was all below the surface.

Could he do the same as he had back then? Could he race when things got so hard he struggled through each day? Could he put all his problems and fears to one side and forget all that? He didn't know and Seb hated uncertainty. The only way to find out was just as it had been with everything in his recovery; he had to try it.

  
Sebastian tried to shut his mind from whirling and waved when he saw a camera. He'd promised his family he would wave. They'd be watching. Sebastian smiled and waved again, a happy, relaxed, nothing to worry about, expression on his face. Lewis was a terrible actor, Seb was a master.

 

 

 

 

A few minutes later he was out of the car and had got a few words out to the unavoidable track parade camera, a pat; 'I'm glad to be back racing again,' out of his mouth accompanied by another smile before Natalie had barely finished her question and he was walking away.

Britta walked with him along the paddock and Sebastian let his gaze shrink away from the staring crowds, so firmly avoiding eye-contact that Seb nearly walked into someone. He stopped and apologised before he looked who it was. A pair of bright blue eyes looked back at him, blue eyes that were almost the only part of the man that had been unaffected by his own brush with death on the track.

“Sebastian,” he nodded curtly.

“Niki.”

For a moment neither one of them knew what to say, Seb could feel himself being assessed by the man in front of him and he was torn by the opposing desires to try to stand taller to appear more confident and the urge to run away. Britta by his side had edged a foot away, as if she was encouraging Seb to follow her lead, but she wasn't about to tell him that he shouldn't speak to a man of Niki Lauda's stature, even if he was at the top of a rival team.

Niki gave him another nod.

“It is your first race back.”

“Yes.”

Everyone knew that didn't they?

Around them everybody else seemed to rushing about, places to go, people to see, work to be done. They looked over as they passed, but nobody dared stop to try to earwig on their conversation.

Those blue eyes were reading him. They seemed to hypnotise Seb. Those eyes were piercing, scrutinizing, unavoidable.

“Are you afraid?”

Sebastian's mouth opened slightly. The words were sharp and direct. Totally unvarnished. Somehow nothing like when representatives of the media asked the same question. Sebastian stared back and had only one thing he could say in reply.

“Were you?”

Niki smiled, all the tiny little crinkles in his damaged face moving as he did.

“To be afraid you have to be alive.”

The words were staccato and as abrupt as Niki himself was, but the meaning was just as plain.

Sebastian nodded. He wasn't sure if he was agreeing that he _was_ afraid or that he was grateful to be in a position to have that opportunity. The opportunity to be afraid, to test himself, to be brave.

“Good luck.”

“Thank you.”

Niki waved a hand in the vague direction of everything around them in the paddock.

“All this. It is bullshit. In the car there is only you.”

And with that, just as suddenly as they had met, Niki was gone. Sebastian was left frowning as he continued walking along with Britta. What had he meant by that? _'In the car there is only you'?_ Did Niki mean it was a test of him? Seb already knew that. Or was it more about what he was leaving behind?

Niki had won two more world championships after his near-fatal accident. A priest had read him his last rites and yet he'd survived. He'd gone on as Seb was trying to, it was just that Niki's scars were on the outside.

Britta turned to him and Sebastian realised they were at the motorhome. He tried to bring himself back to the here and now as they walked in.

“Okay, so fifteen minutes?”

“Sure.”

 

 

Sebastian found Mark lying on the bed with the television switched off. Mark had watched long enough to see how Seb got on, but the moment it had switched to more analysis he had turned it off. He couldn't take listening to what they said about Sebastian or any more reminders about how close the start was. He sat up as Sebastian sat on the bed and told Mark what had occurred.

“I feel a bit bad about Kimi,” admitted Seb.

Mark shook his head. He agreed with Fernando; he thought Kimi was odd and he would never forgive him for what had gone on in the past with Seb.

“Don't.”

“I just,” Seb shrugged, “I think it was his funny way of trying to be nice.”

“Hmm, well whatever. Forget it for now.”

Sebastian nodded.

“What do you think Niki meant?” he asked.

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno. Maybe you're right and he was trying to tell you that you should just forget everything else when you're in the car.”

“Mm.”

“Sounds pretty sensible to me.”

“Yeah. Okay. I'd better change.”

Mark nodded and stayed where he was while Sebastian got ready. Every minute that passed was dragging them closer to the moment the five lights went out and Mark wished he hadn't eaten that lunch.

 

Sebastian stopped fussing around and tied his race-suit at the waist. He looked to Mark sat on the bed and gave him a nod.

“I'm ready.”

Mark stood and gave him a hug. Holding him for a few moments smoothing his hands over the thin fabric of his race under-shirt. He hoped to god that Seb really was ready.

Pulling away, Mark looked at Sebastian again and nodded.

“Okay. Let's go.”

 

 

 

 

It seemed as though as soon as they returned to the garage, time was on fast-forward. All Seb's had time for was to have a quick run through before he was out the back with Mark, stood in their habitual spot. Mark had one hand on Sebastian's arm and with the other he cupped the side of his face stroking a thumb over his cheek. He was trying to think what on earth he ought to say to Seb. Nothing seemed adequate to express how he felt. Mark knew he couldn't tell him how scared he was as it would only make Seb more nervous. He gave him a smile and tried not to think about what they had said to one another in this position last time. Sebastian couldn't remember then. Mark had to try to push it out of his mind.

“I'll be okay.”

Mark nodded.

“I know. Of course you will. You'll be fine.”

They were staring at one another again. Each knowing that their time was running out.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Mark leaned in and kissed him. As the they pulled apart he let out a breath that Mark tried desperately hard not to allow to shake. He huffed an odd little laugh.

“I wish I could be with you.”

A little furrow appeared between Seb's brows.

“In the car?”

Mark shrugged.

“Kinda. Yes. Always really.”

Sebastian nodded. He always wanted Mark with him too. He was about to make a joke of it and say that he might struggle to drive with Mark crammed into the car with him like they sat in the bath but he couldn't make a joke of it. Instead Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes and took his hand to place it over his heart as he had done the night before. Mark stood there feeling how fast it was beating through Seb's thin top.

“You are. You're always with me. You're right here.”

Mark swallowed away the terrible lump in his throat and nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah me too darling.”

He pulled Sebastian into a tight hug and didn't know how he was meant to let go. Seb's arms were around his neck, lifting himself up to press his cheek into Mark's.

“You'll be alright won't you Liebling?”

Mark moved his head to look at him and gave a tight nod.

“Mein Fels.”

Another nod. Mark knew he had to be strong. He had to be the rock Seb depended on.

He let Sebastian go and took a deep breath to settle himself, then as Sebastian stood back Mark gently took hold of Seb's wrist, pushed the sleeve up and moved it to put his own wrist against it.

“Just keep swimming,” whispered Sebastian.

“Just keep swimming.”

They both had to and then they'd get through this, just as they got through everything else they struggled through. Just keep going, keep trying, even when it seemed impossible, both of them in fight together. They'd get through it.

 

One more quick hug and a kiss and it was time.

“Just remember I have faith in you, okay sweetheart?”

“Yeah.”

“And whatever happens I'm proud of you.”

Mark couldn't think what to say before. Now their time was up there were a thousand things he wanted to say.

“You'll be okay.”

“So will you, alright Liebling?”

“Yeah, and we'll have our drink tonight to celebrate.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and nodded.

“I've got to go.”

“I know.”

Another stolen peck on the lips and there was no more putting it off. It was time.

 

They walked back into the main garage. Mark to stand with Britta and fiddle with his headphones in a vain attempt to distract himself. Seb to sort out his remaining bits of race gear ready to pull them on; his gloves, his fireproof cowl, Hans device and helmet. They were all set out on the side by his car that the mechanics were still looking over despite there being nothing left to do other than start it up. Sebastian's backpack was stashed on the side too. He glanced over to Mark who was making polite chit-chat to Britta, then Seb turned around and popped open the little side pocket to quickly look over the letter that resided in there to sneak a look at it.

He knew the words so well that Sebastian didn't really need to read them, but he liked to see Mark's handwriting there and remember how he had written this. How much faith he had had in him even all that time ago.

_Always remember..._

_... what it took for you to get here and what it's really worth to you._

_Never give up._

_I won't give up on you either._

Mark would never give up on him and Seb couldn't give up either. That was why he had fought to get here. Giving up wasn't an option.

Niki might be right that Seb was alone in the car, but he didn't know that Seb carried this with him in his heart. Everything else could go away, but not Mark, not really.

Seb felt eyes on him and carefully folded the letter up and tucked it away. He turned and smiled to his guys.

“Time?”

“Yeah. You ready?

 _As I'll ever be,_ thought Seb.

“Sure.”

Christian came and gave him an encouraging nod.

“See you on the grid.”

“Yep,” nodded Sebastian.

He fixed on his race-gear, checked they were all right and climbed back into the car as they started her engine. Sebastian looked to see Mark watching and gave him a nod, took in the nod reply and snapped the visor shut.

Time to go.

 

 

 

Sebastian slowly made his way round to take up his position on the grid. As he went around he tried to concentrate on listening to the car and feeling it, refamiliarising himself with it and the track once more. He let himself be wheeled into position, parked up and climbed out of the car while the waiting team fussed over it and went to sit at the side out of the way. He'd been handed his backpack so Seb pulled out his headphones to sit in isolation for another couple of minutes. Other drivers sometimes did the same and he wondered what they listened to, not the Beatles he guessed, but this was soothing to him. He didn't need any more hyping up ready to race when his heartbeat was already going this fast. Just as Britta had promised, no one from the media came anywhere near him and the team left him in peace to gather himself. Sebastian listened to the music and breathed slowly. Nobody had set too high expectations on him, he just had to try it today and see what he could get.

 

 

Mark stood in the garage watching Martin start his grid-walk on TV. He bagged a few people to chat to, then worked his way further down. Mark could see Seb sat with his headphones and sunglasses on at the side, beyond where the presenter was currently standing. He might as well have a big sign above him saying 'leave me alone.' Mark hoped he could trust a professional such as Martin to do just that. Martin clearly saw what Mark did and the camera zoomed in a little on Sebastian sitting there.

“And in p11 we have Sebastian Vettel himself who I'm not going to try to talk to today because we've been asked not to and I think that's fair enough. It's only fifty-six days since his accident in Monza, really not very long at all given how gravely injured Sebastian was. I hope you watched my interview with Seb yesterday, I know I've had a lot of response on Twitter about it. He had a tough day yesterday and it's easy to forget that beneath the helmet there's a human being. I think I speak for a lot of us when I say I hope that all Seb has strived through to recover from such a low pays off today and he can have a decent race.”

On screen Martin glanced over again at Sebastian, then drew himself back.

“Let's hope so anyway. Right, Natalie has Valtteri Bottas in the pitlane. Natalie...”

The shot changed and Mark let out a breath. That had been fair. He wondered what people had been saying to Martin about that interview with Seb. It sounded as though the responses had been in Seb's favour as of course they should be. Mark hadn't dared look at his own Twitter account this weekend. If there was anything nasty on there he knew he simply wouldn't cope right now. Britta had shown them some nice ones on the official RedBull account this morning, all wishing Sebastian well and she said they were only a fraction of the number they had received, but neither of them had wanted to set too much store by what anyone else thought.

Mark looked at his watch and saw time slipping inexorably closer to two pm. Minutes, just minutes now. He let out a low slow breath. He couldn't think about how starting at eleventh put Sebastian right in the middle of the pack where crashes were most likely at the start, he couldn't think about the danger, or whether Seb might yet have issues, or the way he had just felt how fast Seb's heart was beating through his ribs. It was beating at all, that was enough. Seb would be okay. Mark couldn't say the same for himself.

 

 

Sebastian got a nod from Christian and went back over. He shoved his ipod in his bag, deposited it with the team and shot up to the far end of the track to obediently stand in line to endure a particularly warbly rendition of the American national anthem by someone he guessed was a country singer, unless everyone in Texas really did dress like that. He received a couple of nods from fellow drivers and got a smile from Lewis which he returned before getting back to the car as quickly as possible.

He stood with the team and exchanged a few last words about the race before getting a bunch of positive arm pats to encourage him. Seb climbed into the car, his helmet back on, arranging his gloves just so and looked over everything on the car in front of him, all fine, all good. The engine was humming and the tyre-blankets poised to come off. The team were on the point of leaping out of the way to stream off the grid to get back to the garage as the formation lap was due to start.

His heart was pounding, his breathing heavier than it ought to be. Sebastian looked at his hands on the wheel and wondered if he didn't have his gloves on, whether he might see if they were shaking. Slow breaths, deep slow breaths, clear his mind, be calm. He closed his eyes for a fraction of a second and pulled himself together. Then as the team started to move away Seb slid the visor shut and knew that meant cutting everything off but racing. He'd done this before hundreds of times. He just had to do it again.

The signal came and Sebastian waited for the front-runners to set off before doing the same, trundling around the track at a steady speed in a last chance to ensure everything was fine on the car. Everything _was_ fine. It was his choice to be here. He wanted to race, so he would give it a go and find out what he was capable of.

He may have done this hundreds of times, but this was his new life. It was the same and completely different. Mark was the difference and he was with him, carried in his heart. It calmed Seb just a fraction, just enough.

The voice on his ear came through, reminding him of a few aspects and Sebastian concentrated on that before it went quiet and it was just him again back in his grid-spot. He glanced quickly at the cars around him and hoped that they wouldn't do anything foolish off the line. Blue sky ahead, the row of lights, the revving engine. Ready.

 

In the garage Mark took in a deep breath, knowing he was going to need it. He caught Britta's eye to his side and without a word she slipped her hand into his and squeezed it. Mark would have smiled at her if he'd had it in him, but his eyes were now locked on the screen above.

 

Hearts everywhere pounded. In the car, in the garage, at their family's homes around the world. All eyes fixed on the five lights, all praying the same thing; Just be okay, that's all I ask, just be _okay_.

 

 

 

The lights went out and Sebastian's hovering foot shot down and he belted off the line. It was the only thing to do when a hesitant start was potentially disastrous with nine cars racing up behind him.

Looking through the letter-box of his visor Sebastian had no time to think as he tried to push and stay out of danger at the same time, before he'd had time to blink they were at the top of the hill, the huge wide entry to turn one that encouraged everyone to go for it and then shocked them by turning sharp left and immediately running out of room. Sebastian had cars all over him and he had to brake, desperately looking for space not to get squeezed out and crash, ending his race before it had really even started.

By the time he'd got his breath back they were into the weaving bends and Seb was asking on the radio where he was standing. It had all happened so fast and it had felt like he had no choice but to back out. He knew he must have lost places, but when his engineer told him he was now fourteenth Sebastian's heart sank.

 

Mark let out breath. He didn't care that Seb was fourteenth. He cared that he was safe. That had been too close, far too close. He heard on his headphones Sebastian's blank 'okay' response to the updated information and wished he could steal the comms to tell him not to worry about it. He'd survived the start. Near the back, Pastor had already clanged wheels with Nasr, sending them both off track and the commentators were discussing whether there was serious damage or if they could go on, but so long as that was behind Seb that was all that mattered.

 

Sebastian was winding around the curves towards the end of the first sector, getting his breath back and trying to re-group. The cars in front had got a little way ahead and he wondered whether he shouldn't simply settle for where he was for a bit, maybe even allow himself to accept that a safe race that he finished would do, but as Seb glanced in his mirrors he saw that the rear of the field was getting closer. Mid-field was one thing, but to fall to the back? He couldn't accept that. He had to at least see if he couldn't return to where he started.

Onto the first long straight Sebastian put his foot down and was gratified to see that he pulled away from those behind him. He didn't belong back there, no way. Those ahead had a gap and he knew he had to push to catch up. As yet DRS wasn't available, but he needed to at least get himself into position so he could take advantage when it was.

Seb's engineer was in his ear, saying much the same, trying to sound encouraging and it struck Sebastian that he shouldn't _need_ encouraging to race. It should be instinctive. He hadn't lost that instinct had he?

Sebastian pushed on, thinking that if he just stayed calm he could creep up on the bunch in front while they were all worrying about each other and by the time DRS was activated he might just be in position to take advantage.

 

In the garage Mark scowled at the screen as the commentators were analysing the start replay, highlighting how Seb had lost out, one remarking that in the circumstances perhaps a cautious attitude was to be expected. The tone of voice used wasn't unkind, but it riled Mark nonetheless. He hated hearing people pronounce on Seb when they had no real understanding. Mark took a calming inhale of air and looked at the track positions scrolling across the bottom of the screen. Still fourteenth. Okay, but Mark could see that the gap to the next car was definitely shrinking. Not fast, but steadily. He wondered if they would notice that on the broadcast, but they had switched their attention to the battle at the front and Mark was left trying to read a race in numbers, listening on the radio as Seb's engineer continued to make fairly vague encouragements to keep doing what he was doing.

 

 

 

Lap after lap Sebastian ran anonymously in a forgotten fourteenth. Nobody seemed to have noticed that he was crawling forwards on each lap. It wasn't spectacular, but Sebastian knew that if he tried something crazy then he would ruin his tyres, burn too much fuel and screw his race entirely. He had to be patient.

It took him until the seventh lap to finally catch the group of three cars who had swamped him at the start. Looking at the group he suspected that they had switched order a couple of times in those laps, but none had managed to steam away, so that told him no one had a car which was particularly superior to the rest, which meant that if he could take one of them, logically he ought to get past all three. That would put him back in eleventh. Only where he started, but that would be something.

He edged in, evaluating his surroundings and remembering where the good overtaking spots were. For now Sebastian thought his engineer was right when he was talking about DRS. He needed every advantage he could get, but as they were a group Seb knew that the rear two of the trio would also have DRS from travelling in close proximity to the leader. Unless his car could out-gun them on pure power then DRS was effectively nullified, so he had to think beyond that. Seb ran through the sweeping left right, left right, jinks of sectors one into two, letting the car flow, feeling how it had at least decent grip through the bends. There was a bit of oversteer, but he could manage that. He just had to push after turn ten to get within the one second measurement to gift him DRS. Without that he didn't have a hope of staying in touch.

Sebastian put his foot down and got what he needed. As the three cars concertinaed into the sharp 'V' of turn eleven he had the illusion of almost being on top of them, but he was just that fraction back. As they all reached the long straight every foot went down. DRS buttons were hit and rear wing flaps flicked up to reduce drag allowing the cars to go faster. Sebastian watched as the two Force India cars swapped positions mid-way along the straight and the Sauber of Ericsson tried to do the same but failed. Further back Sebastian knew a simple DRS pass was off the table, so he looked ahead to the hard left turn at twelve and kept pushing, praying that the driver ahead would be so taken up with looking ahead that he failed to appreciate the danger from behind. When Ericsson braked for the corner, Sebastian took in a breath and risked the inside line, far tighter than he had all weekend. He had to brake later and put the power back on sooner if he was to take and hold the position and pray that the Sauber driver was smart enough to know when he was beaten and get out of the way. Seb nosed inside and knew he had to hold his nerve. For a moment the two cars ran parallel, but the outside line was longer and Sebastian was ahead. The curve needed to make the turn meant he had to keep the car pointing where the Sauber wanted to go and he knew he was leaving Ericsson a choice of braking, edging off track, or crashing.

 

In the garage Mark wanted to close his eyes. On that very corner in FP1 Seb had locked up, scaring the life out of him, but now the car held, Ericsson went wide and Seb went on unchallenged. He puffed an uneven breath and nodded. In his ear Mark heard Christian praising Sebastian and encouraging him to keep on doing that.

 

The two Force Indias in front squabbled their way around the third sector. Around the wide stadium curve they changed place twice and the commentators on the TV were remarking that at this rate it might actually be a disadvantage to lead as the DRS detection would fall to the other driver allowing them to swallow them up on the next straight.

 

Seb wasn't thinking about that. All he could think was that he had to stay in touch to get the next allocation of DRS which meant staying within one second of the pair. Seb didn't care which order they were in as long as he had a shot of getting past on the start-finish straight. Sebastian thought he might try the same trick into turn one at the end of that straight and see if it worked the same as into turn twelve.

Seb received confirmation he'd done enough to get DRS and was heading along the short straight into turn twenty, reminding himself how he had messed that corner up too often this weekend and needed to treat it carefully this time around. Seb was already slowing the car to allow smoother braking to make a controlled turn, when almost out of nowhere the two Force Indias seemed to lose their minds going into the final corner and there was a terrific bang as Perez walloped into the side of Hulkenberg, both cars spinning and parts flying everywhere.

Sebastian slammed on the brakes and was sure that he was about to pile into the mess ahead. He barely knew where to point the car, but miraculously Hulkenberg had shunted right off the track, Perez was flailing in the other direction and somehow Sebastian went through the middle of the chaos. He pulled left without getting chance to think about what he was doing. He was just keeping going, praying it would work out. As he went along the start-finish straight Seb was breathing heavily, eyes wide. He could see the shower of carbon-fibre in his minds-eye, the velocity of it all, tyre smoke and confusion. It took him until he was heading up the hill to hear the voice in his ear.

“Seb are you okay? Is the car okay? Any debris?”

Sebastian swallowed and tried ignore the way his blood was singing in his veins so he could reply.

“I, um, yeah I think so. I don't know, I think I'm okay. I'm okay.”

He was at the top of the hill and Sebastian realised that by some bizarre automatic motion he had still put the DRS on, even as he'd come out of the mayhem, to zoom faster along the straight. He'd done it totally without thinking, just as he had powered through that mess taking the normal line into the corner. Seb flicked it off just in time and slowed at the top to go sharp left and progress down the hill into the winding section once more.

Seb was still catching his breath and trying to force himself to calm down enough to see if the car really was okay. He could have gone over some debris. Surely he must have done to some extent? He spoke rapidly on the radio asking the team to check all the could from their end, not realising how the pitch of his voice betrayed how shaken Sebastian was.

 

Mark listened to Seb's voice and wondered if that last 'okay' was for him, to let Mark know he was alright. The only reason Mark hadn't cried out just then was he'd been too horrified to do anything at all except stare at the screen as the entire incident played out before him. He was still trying to force himself to breathe, all the hairs on his arms standing on end. Mark was sure he must be shaking from head to foot, but his face was impassive, still staring at the screen desperately wishing that they would show Sebastian safely making his way around instead of replaying the accident.

“You okay?”

“Huh?”

Mark tore his eyes away to look at Britta. He gave a sharp nod and returned his eyes to the screen where everyone else in the garage was looking. Mark had been so absorbed he hadn't even heard the collective gasp that had gone up in the garage, or the sigh of relief.

He returned his attention to listening in to the team telling Sebastian that they had no indication of damage but to keep a close eye on it so they could fix it while the safety car was coming out.

 

 

Sebastian did as requested and slowed for the virtual safety car while they waited for the real one to come out. Holding a steady pace gave Seb time to attempt to settle himself, to replace shock at what had nearly happened to him with gratitude that it _hadn't_. He refocussed himself knowing he had to take stock and tell the team that the car felt okay, but he thought it possible he might have driven over something.

“Tyre pressures look fine Seb. We're watching them. Marshals on track so beware.”

The brave marshals would be out with their brooms tidying the track. On TV it looked almost comical, the cheapest low-tech equipment clearing away a failure of the highest and most expensive technology, now rendered worthless.

“Safety car leading through the pits,” informed his engineer.

“Okay.”

“Gives us a chance to look at you.”

Sebastian almost nodded in the car. That had to be bad if they didn't want the cars going anywhere near the scene. Maybe it was just to protect the staff and lower the chances of cars getting damaged, but a thought belatedly occurred to him.

“Are they okay? The drivers, Hulk and Perez, are they alright?”

There was a slight pause while they double-checked, then an answer.

“Yes, both walked away.”

“Okay. Thanks. No signs of damage to car so far.”

 

Sebastian was catching the train of cars in front as they slowed behind the safety car and pulled into the pits to bypass the last corner where the accident had occurred. A strange part of Seb wanted to see what he had avoided, but this was better, safer and it meant the team could snatch a look at his car as he passed.

 

After three laps of this Sebastian was finally feeling calmed and back to himself. He'd been lucky and that was good obviously, but it wasn't just luck. If he had piled into that last corner going hell for leather rather than taking the considered approach, there was no way he would have avoided that crash and Seb would have had to count himself fortunate if he merely walked away as the other two had. There were another couple of pieces of luck, which felt a little cold in the circumstances but were true nonetheless; He was back in eleventh place where he'd started and the safety car had bunched up the field, wiping away all advantage the front-runners had built up. Effectively he was being given a second chance at the race.

 

Sebastian got the call that the safety car was due in next lap and they were back to running around the proper track itself rather than cutting through the pits. The feedback from the team was that as far as they could see there was no damage to his car. Any debris that had come his way must have been light enough to glance harmlessly off the bodywork and his tyres couldn't have run over anything sharp or surely they would have seen a puncture by now. He hoped so anyway. Sebastian couldn't feel anything wrong but he knew that was sometime how it went. He just had to trust that it was all okay because they had lost the safety car window to pit under.

They were up to lap fifteen, the race grinding down into the middle part where ordinarily teams would start their first pits, but all that was up in the air now. Running so long behind the safety car saved fuel and tyre wear. This was good, but it meant the strategies had to be reconsidered. Sebastian spoke up on the radio to ask.

“Are we sticking to the strategy?”

“Strat plus five, strat plus five. Await call.”

Okay so that had bought them five more laps on these tyres which was good, even if it was doubtless much the same for the rest, or at least those apart from the couple of teams who had chosen to pit their cars under the safety car, gambling that it wouldn't be out long and they should seize the moment. They had probably lost out in this case, but Seb was only concerned about himself.

Grosjean was in front. Could he take him this time rather than letting him sail off as before? The safety car was in and Rosberg had taken over the role, leading the train of cars through the now cleared final corner, a few dustings to the side the only indication of what had occurred, cars towed away and marshals back in place. Nico brought them onto the straight and Sebastian knew, as they all did, that it was up to the leader to signal the off as soon as he chose once past the start line.

Rosberg must have had his eyes on his team-mate threatening by sidling up close, because he bolted the second he could, flying up the hill and around the corner to try to leave the rest for dust. Sebastian followed suit and shot up towards that blue horizon, nicking the inside line and firing on down the other side ahead of Romain before the Frenchman had known what that blur to his left even was.

 

In the garage a cheer went up and Mark let go of Britta's hand to clap with the rest. Seb was back in the points. He'd take that. Mark honestly thought that would do, they could stop the race here and he would go home happy.

 

Sebastian weaved through the bends allowing himself to feel just a tiny bit pleased with himself. Tenth place meant points. In the points was a respectable place to be and not only that but Kimi, now in ninth place, was within grasp, he could take him too couldn't he? It would be another couple of laps before DRS was back, but there might be a chance somewhere if he got close.

He pushed and tried to stick to the back of the car in front, going as fast as he could through the corners into the long straight once more. Kimi was ahead, but not by much. Sebastian braked sharply into turn twelve, trying to calculate if he might be able to get him somewhere in the bends of thirteen to fifteen when his engineer came on the radio.

“Seb we're getting a lower pressure reading on your front right.”

Sebastian was about to argue that it felt okay and if there was puncture surely they'd have seen it by now, but he knew that this first racing lap put far more into the tyres, plus he'd just hopped the kerb at thirteen. Damnit.

“Pit confirm, pit confirm,” came the instruction.

Seb hit the reply button and slowed as much as he dared. He didn't want to lose any more time than he had to seeing as he was about to throw away twenty-five seconds by coming into the pits. Damnit, damnit. If they'd seen it before he would have been able to do this under safety car and the time pitting would have cost him less in comparison to the slowed field circulating the track. Now that was gone, as were those extra five laps on this tyre that might have given him an advantage later on. He pulled to a halt in the box, the team already in place and after a whirr of action, his foot was down and Seb was away again, pulling back on track to find himself all the way at the back of the field, swearing silently in his head.

 

Mark peered over as a tyre man walked past carrying the offending article, several more technicians rushing over to poke and prod to see where the puncture must be. As far as he could tell the tyre looked a little worn from running, but no worse than usual. They had to trust the data though. The tiniest of punctures could give way at the wrong moment and then Seb really would have been in trouble.

“He was due to pit soonish anyway,” reminded Britta.

Mark nodded. It didn't have to spell complete disaster. With the crash and a few other drop-outs Seb was actually hanging on to the back in sixteenth, not twentieth, so it could be worse. Not much worse admittedly.

 

 

Sebastian stared grimly at the back of the two Manors in front. No bloody way did he belong behind a Manor. No way. He put his foot down and scooted to the inside of one, then the other along the waving bends and by turn ten he was in fourteenth again. He'd fought so damn hard to get out of fourteenth and now he had to do it again. The field was rapidly spreading out as the relative strengths of the cars were demonstrated, each driver struggling to regain their previous advantage, or make a new one for themselves in this shaken up field. On fresh tyres Seb was far closer to the next cars than he expected. Within another lap his engineer informed him that he actually had DRS on the Sauber and finding his car was faster on the straight, Sebastian sailed by, wasting no time to reach thirteenth, then went on to take Ericsson as well on the following straight.

Twelfth. Twelfth wasn't bad. Seb was just wondering what came next when his radio informed him that he should think about the fact that soon other cars would start pitting soon. The message was clear enough; Don't take unnecessary risks when you don't need to.

He pushed just a little harder while his tyres were still fresh and felt better at making up half a lap. Seb was just encroaching on the next spot, seeing the familiar colours of a Toro Rosso when as his team had predicted it peeled into the pits, making Seb eleventh again. Unbelievable.

He did a couple more laps, doing as requested to stay steady and keep in touch whilst they saw how things shook out. Within half a dozen more laps Sebastian was up to eighth. It hardly felt as if he'd earnt it seeing as it was merely a matter of cars pitting out of his way, but he would take what he got.

 

The pack was shuffled. Mark watched Daniel come in for his pit and go on his way, fighting to regain his fifth place, then on new tyres taking advantage of Williams delaying their pit to fly past, not one, but _both_ cars, to take a coveted third spot. Mark applauded with the rest. Massa and Bottas may have been on older tyres, but Dan had made bold moves to take them and he deserved his elevated position.

Realising their error the Williams cars were called in and for a few brief laps Sebastian found himself in sixth. In truth sixth felt almost unrealistic and he wasn't vastly surprised when he was caught and those places retaken, but it had shown Seb that more was possible. Not just a measly point, but something a little more worthwhile than merely being grateful to register on the board.

 

The race played on and the television concentrated on the new battle between the Mercedes following their own pit strategies with places swapping back and forth until it settled down again, this time with Lewis in the lead and a clearly fuming Nico harrying him from behind. The coverage barely had time for anything else and Mark was back to watching the numbers and hoping that silence on the radio bespoke calm. Seb was back in eighth but that was a perfectly acceptable place as far as Mark was concerned.

As the laps counted down and they entered the last third of the race, Mark was starting to relax just a fraction, hoping that the status quo might remain until the end, but he knew that another pitstop was required and they would be entering that window sooner for Seb due to his previous early stop.

They called Seb in and put on a new set of tyres before sending him on his way. As soon as he was gone from the box Mark whirled back from looking at the real thing to watch the screen again, seeing Sebastian crawling up the hill under the pit-limiter whilst other cars shot up the track alongside.

Seb fed back in at tenth and Mark was back to reconciling himself that tenth was fine, still in the points and with others due to pit, there were all kinds of possibilities open.

 

 

Sebastian looped around warming up his new tyres and getting a feel for them. The team had also given him a tiny bit extra front wing on that stop and the car felt better for it as did the lighter fuel-load. He forgot about the cars in front for a lap and concentrated on himself. The car feeling better helped Seb feel better. If he had pitted then others would follow and maybe he should just see what he could get.

Within another half a dozen laps he was back up to seventh place and he didn't care that only one of those positions was due to him actually taking a spot rather than being handed it by another car pitting. They may be on fresher tyres, but those behind him still had to overtake him to regain their positions. Sebastian saw no reason why he should hand anyone anything. He pressed a little harder and extended his gap until he sat in clean air.

Seb was gradually encroaching on sixth place and asked on the radio to find out how he was sitting. The answer came that he was a way off, but Fernando in front wasn't doing anything impressive right now. If he wanted to he could push, see what happened.

Seb knew he had to do just that, he pushed harder to get in touch, then started to make Alonso aware of him, nosing around and veering into his rear mirrors to show him that Sebastian meant business. Seb knew Fernando was a wily customer, far too long in this game to allow any kind of slight of hand pass when he'd made every move himself before now. Sebastian had two options, out-power him on the DRS, or get close enough to make a pass by simply being in a better position.

 

Mark watched knew what Seb was doing. It made him nervous again because he was well aware that Fernando gave absolutely nothing away. On the other hand there was a tiny part of him that was glad it was his friend and not some dumb young buck Seb was battling. An inexperienced head was more likely to make a mistake, to misjudge a gap or do something idiotic causing one or both of them to crash. Fernando was far too smart for that. He would either keep the place or live to fight another day. He wouldn't throw away good points. Nor, Mark hoped, would he put Seb at risk. Not now, not today. Surely not? Even with the visor down and his head in race mode, surely his friend would know who was in that car and consider what that meant, not just to Seb, but to _him_ , to Mark. Surely Fernando wouldn't do that to him? Mark had no expectation of Fernando doing anything like handing a place to Seb out of pity or as a favour to a good friend, but just so long as it was _safe_ , Mark thought surely Fernando would give him that much, whomever wound out on top?

 

Sebastian certainly had no thoughts of being handed a place. He battled Fernando round for two laps, sometimes getting a nose in front, but no more than that. He had to back out twice when he almost thought he had the move made, only for Alonso to be right there again, never giving up. All the way around the stadium section they went neck and neck, but Fernando had the shorter line, put his foot down and stayed ahead. Seb backed out and instead took the DRS allowance ready for the straight. He pulled ahead tantalisingly on the straight only for Fernando to frustratingly stay in touch then brake hard into the turn while Seb pushed for too long causing him to scoot slightly wide at the top of the hill requiring him to smooth his way back on track to carry on the fight.

 

It was a good scrap and Mark couldn't decide whether he might not let himself just enjoy watching it play out with a modicum of security that they were both good and sensible drivers, or whether he really wished it over, whether Sebastian was in front or not and let him go back to safely lapping the track with no other cars near him. Mark looked at the counter in the corner of the screen and saw that they were down to twelve laps left. Only twelve. From here it would be ten and then five and then last lap and the whole bloody ordeal would be over. Seb would be out of the car and wherever he finished he would be safe and Mark could breathe properly again.

 

 

Sebastian kept pushing for another half a lap to no avail when his engineer came on the radio, his voice reluctantly firm.

“Seb, you have to pass or call this off. You're burning up your tyres and they won't last.”

Damn.

He hadn't been thinking about that. Seb had been caught up with the battle of wills, playing the game of trying to work out what his opponent would do before he did it, all the while knowing his rival was doing precisely the same to him.

Sebastian took in a breath and decided to try the former instruction before capitulating to the latter. He pushed to get DRS once more and went it along the straight, pulling alongside and risking a glance to the side to see Fernando do likewise. For a moment Sebastian thought he saw the whites of Fernando's eyes, but then the corner came and Alonso was ahead again and no amount of late braking was enough to get by unless he was willing to risk flying off at the end of turn twelve to get a rather closer look at the grandstands there than Seb really wanted to.

 _Damn_.

Sebastian eased off and let Alonso pull a gap. His engineer instructed him that a standard two second buffer was required if he was to get the cooler air his tyres required. By the time Seb was into the pit-straight he could see Fernando cresting the hill, away and gone.

 

Seb sighed, trying to persuade himself that it was better to have tried and failed than simply settle for what he had. He was in seventh. Really more than he had hoped for. Seventh was acceptable. He carried on, thinking that if he could just see out this last portion of the race he needn't be too unhappy, when Sebastian went into the weaving bends and realised that pushing so long in these conditions had been too much. He should have called off the fight sooner. The tyres were falling off and far more rapidly than anyone predicted.

_Damn, damn, damn._

Only a minute ago Sebastian had been battling for sixth, but within half a lap he had fallen into the clutches of eighth. He put a call out on the radio.

“How many more laps?”

“Eleven.”

“No, for these tyres, how many can they do?”

There was a pause and he knew the pitwall was consulting.

“We don't know.”

 _Oh marvellous,_ thought Sebastian, _isn't that helpful?_

“I can't hold this position with these tyres,” he informed them flatly.

They were alright on the straights, but each turn of wheel was starting to feel like a risk. If he wasn't careful his seventh place was about to become eighth, ninth, tenth. God knew how far back he could fall.

“I have to pit.”

“There isn't enough of a gap. You'll be out of the points.”

“I'll be out of the points anyway. There's no way these can do eleven laps.”

Another pause. Sebastian was coming along the long straight after turn eleven. They had to make a call or he would be into the last sector and before they knew it he would have passed the pitlane entry.

 

In the garage Mark ran a hand through his hair, then silently fumed as the camera shot on screen cut to show him doing that. He'd forgotten it was there, lurking at the edge of the garage, waiting to cut in to show the reactions of the occupants, exposing their emotions to the world whether they liked it or not. Mark fixed a stoic expression on his face and listened in to the rapid back and forth on the radio. He turned to see the pitwall hotly debating it as they all knew a call had to be made and fast.

Christian looked to Seb's engineer and Rocky on the stools beside him.

“Now or never.”

“We don't have a choice. He's right, they won't hold out.”

Rocky on the far stool nodded.

“On fresh tyres he can fight back through. It's worked before here.”

Christian nodded and the call went out.

“Box, box, box.”

 

The garage sprang into life, rushing to grab tyres and equipment to be in place as Seb veered into the pitlane just in time, his heart filled with a combination of trepidation and relief.

Seb was away again and off up the pitlane before anyone could blink. Mark looked back to see the pitstop timer on-screen reading 2:4s. A good time. Especially given the lack of warning. He took a moment to nod at the guys settling back down to thank them and they all went back to watching how this played out.

Cards on the table now. Fresh tyres and a new impetus, but Sebastian had dropped place after place and just as predicted was out of the points. He was in _eleventh_ again. If after all Sebastian had gone through he finished plumb were he'd started, and out of the points, even Mark wasn't sure what he'd say to him afterwards.

 

Sebastian felt his heart pounding. He had ten laps. Ten laps to do whatever he could. He'd just been informed he was back in p11 and if he knew nothing else, it was that he hadn't taken this amount of risk to stay there. Points were the very minimum and then he'd see what he could get from there.

He powered on. The first lap took a while to ease into as the tyres came to life, but Sebastian knew he had no time to waste, so he sat on the back of tenth and took it on his second go at DRS. That put him in line for ninth and he'd passed Grosjean before so it felt as though he was owed that one. Into the waving bends Sebastian took a risk and nipped up the inside of the Lotus on older tyres. Before he knew it he was wending around the long stadium section and readying himself to take eighth on the next straight. These new soft tyres felt fantastic, they had so much grip. Sebastian couldn't tell if it was simply in comparison to what he'd had before, but he didn't care, they were clinging to the track and letting him risk ever more into the bends and giving him more power on the straights. Within three laps he was back in seventh place and a childish part of Sebastian wanted to crow over the radio that he had been right, it had been the correct call to come in, but instead he merely radioed in to say the car felt good and got the okay to keep pushing.

Sebastian wasn't sure what he could get, but he knew that if he didn't try then he would never know what might have been possible. Couldn't he have more? Just a little bit more? Didn't he deserve it after all?

 

In the garage Mark was frantically trying to keep any emotion from showing on his face. Every overtake had been so agonising to watch he could barely celebrate them, merely relieved that they were done safely. Now Seb was back in seventh where he had been before Mark had been ready to allow himself to relax, but then it came over the radio that apparently he was pushing for more. Mark knew he ought to applaud it and a part of him did, but a bigger part was begging for all this to be over.

On the television the commentators had woken up and were getting excited at what they were seeing.

“Sebastian Vettel appears to be on a charge. That late pit looked to be a risk, but it appears to be paying off as he's powering through the grid now. Oh and wow, well it seems he's given someone else the nudge and that's another team in the pitlane as Alonso comes in to try the same trick. It's a bold call with only seven laps to go, but if he can show the speed the RedBull has now, it may just be worth it.”

 

The television presenter sounded thrilled at how things were turning out. They'd long since tired of looking at the top three who were lapping in processional form up front. Dan couldn't catch the Mercedes and Mark suspected that the battle had been called off between the two of them rather than risk the one, two, result. The FOM cameras were now all over the latter part of the top ten as those who had been going longer on their tyres started to wish they had the fresh ones of those threatening them. There were back-markers to negotiate too and the screen was filled with overtakes, both gifted and stolen.

Sebastian was on the back of Max Verstappen in sixth place. A very creditable spot for the youngster, but he couldn't have any consideration of that. There was a lapped Manor in front as they approached the switchback at turn eleven and the went Toro Rosso wide to go around but veered off track as he failed to slow enough, giving Sebasitan the position on a plate as he shot off down the straight with DRS already activated.

Sixth, sixth was nice, but why stop there?

“Who's ahead?”

“The Williams. They pitted fifteen and sixteen laps back. You can take them.”

It was all the encouragement Seb needed and he was off, hunting them down while Mark was left with a mixture of despair at the risks Sebastian was taking and the weirdest feeling that he should have known this would happen all along.

 

 

With only four laps to go Sebastian was all over the back of Massa in fifth. He knew Felipe's tyres were old and had been watching how he took the corners more carefully, not slow, but surely not as fast as he could. Sebastian knew that with a Mercedes engine inside the Williams a DRS pass might not cut it, but at the turn, _there_ he could take him, just as long as he pushed to the end and held his nerve.

 

Even Mark had to smile as he saw Sebastian squeezing through a gap that shouldn't exist. He was in fifth, bloody _fifth_ place.

On the television voices rang out with near jubilation as they started joking about how on this form Sebastian could take a car a lap until the race ran out and win the race.

Mark internally shook his head. It was hyperbole. Those Mercs were surely untouchable, but fourth. Maybe he could do that?

Sebastian was thinking much the same thing. He powered on, creeping up into the rear mirrors of Bottas who had been serenely holding fourth place for the last twenty minutes, thinking he was almost home. Seb was sitting right behind him now, but having been informed over the radio what had happened with his team-mate, Valtteri was extra cautious, trying to make his car as wide as possible. Along the start-finish straight Sebastian had DRS and was planning a run to the inside when Valtteri anticipated him, saved his one move and leapt across to block Seb just as they shot up the hill.

Stymied, Sebastian fell back for half a lap to re-group. He watched the pale car sweep through the bends and knew that Bottas had better grip than his sister car had. Massa had fallen even further back now as the field shook up over the final few laps. Fernando was copying Sebastian and eating his way through the pack with his fast new tyres, but he was nearly half a lap behind Seb and time was running out.

 

Three laps to go and Mark still had no idea what was going to happen. Seb had pushed again to trail Bottas once more, trying to find an opportunity and the cameras kept cutting back and forth between him and Fernando as they tried to fight their way through to make the most of the risk they had taken.

Mark was just anticipating one of them doing something when there was a shout from television that gripped his heart.

“Oooh and that's Rosberg. What happened there?”

“The camera missed it. That's a heck of a lot of smoke. Could be tyres, could be engine.”

Mark sighed out in relief as he saw the screen showing Nico Rosberg way off the track at the top of the 'V' of eleven. He'd shot off straight ahead, although whether through driver error, or mechanical fault wasn't clear. The car was still going though and it pootled round in as tight a turn as an F1 car could muster to realign itself ready to rejoin the track. It took time to do so and the whole garage was on its feet as they saw Daniel slow into the turn and smooth past Rosberg before he had chance to get back on. A huge cheer went up and Mark joined in. So what if it was celebrating taking advantage of another's misfortune? Nico was obviously okay and now he was going again it seemed the car didn't have a fault, he'd merely overshot the corner and come to grief braking too hard. His tyres had horrible flat-spots and the television coverage was now making the usual tired jokes about it rattling his fillings.

Mark watched as the counter in the corner clicked down to two laps remaining. The television had gone back to concentrating on the front of the field but barring any more surprises Lewis looked away and clear and Nico had too much to contend with to catch Dan back up to retake second. Mark wanted to see how Seb was getting on. The tracker had him in fifth still and that was fine, but he'd been all over Bottas and Mark needed to know what was going on.

The radio in his headphones was warning Sebastian that there were back-markers ahead and Mark wondered if that meant the chance to get a clear run was over.

 

Sebastian and Bottas were dodging in and out of lapped cars, some doing a better job than others at easing their passage. Sometimes they leaped out of the way like startled rabbits and it hardly impeded their progress at all, other times they had to slow and wait as one then the other found a way through.

The pair of them were coming up on one of the Saubers just as they came out of turn two, about to enter the bendy part of the track through turns three to six with blue flags out to clear their path. Sebastian was hoping they could get by easily so he could build speed ready for making another attempt to get by Bottas on one of the DRS straights. He looked at the bright blue Sauber and tried to anticipate what it might do to let the pair of them by. Would it move left or right? Going into turn three it ought to be right, freeing up the racing line for the lead cars, but the weaving track meant that at the next bend at four the racing line switched sides, so the lapped car ought to be on the left to give them a clear path through.

This was one of the faster parts of the track. It reminded Seb of the Maggots-Becketts complex at Silverstone. If you took it correctly you only need to sweep a little left, right, left, and you could allow the car to do the work for you, barely needing to brake just so long as you judged the angles correctly.

Unfortunately it seemed this was a lesson Nasr in the Sauber hadn't learnt. He saw the approaching cars, the waved blue flags and the bends ahead and wasn't sure where was best to go. He tried going to the right into three, but he left it too late and before he knew it the right of turn three was the left of turn four and Nasr was bang in the way of Bottas trying to get past. Bottas angrily hit the brakes, sending up a puff of white smoke to prevent him hitting the car in his path.

All the while this had been happening Sebastian had been watching, sticking behind Valtteri, but not so close that when Valtteri braked he couldn't see what was happening. As Bottas found himself blocked in turn four Sebastian quickly swung further out, off the racing line and around the outside of both of them. Still carrying all his momentum with him Seb flew into the rest of the curves as they widened out and he was ahead, fourth place his before Valtteri even had time to recover himself and carry on around, now nursing some nasty flat-spots on his tyres and demanding penalties on the radio for the idiot that had tripped him up.

 

Back in the garage the place had exploded. Mechanics from both sides of the garage were punching the air and patting each other on the back while shaking their heads at how things like that could appear from nowhere. Mark looked at Britta who was beaming up at him but all he could do was rub his face and try to untie the knots in his stomach. Sebastian could so easily have wound up in the back of that Williams, all three cars could have been in a pile-up. Mark pushed out a breath, ignoring the excitement around him and the thrilled voice of the commentary team who were already making suggestions about whether Seb could really squeak out a podium place with just a lap and a half remaining. It was a nice idea, but Mark needed this race to be over, now. Please. _Now_. He couldn't take any more.

 

Sebastian pushed on as his engineer advised him, Christian's voice still ringing in his ears with his bellowed praise down the radio for that little manoeuvre as Sebastian entered the last lap of the race.

 

Sebastian was more bothered about fifth than third. His engineer had just informed him that Bottas was fighting back and if he got within one second at the DRS detection point he could yet take Seb on the final straight of the race. How galling that would be. DRS plus Mercedes engine? Even with Bottas' tyres now damaged, Sebastian wasn't sure he could hold out. Seb kept his foot down through sector two and pushed as hard as he dared into the bends to pull just a fraction more of a gap, just a couple of tenths would be enough. He shot past the detection point and was slowing to a painful crawl around the 'V', waiting to hear.

“Not enough.”

Sebastian took a sharp breath. He was already straightening up, ready to accelerate away and he didn't know who his engineer was referring to. Him, or Bottas?

“Me, or him.”

“Bottas. 1.1. Push!”

His unflappable engineer's voice was suddenly urgent and Sebastian's foot was already down, hammering along the straight to make sure Bottas didn't get past even without the bonus of DRS boosting him. Sebastian knew he couldn't give up, he had to fight down to the very last inch of track, certain that the driver behind was going to be doing the same.

He pushed on, seeing his opponent cruise up as he slowed into each bend, only to get further away as Bottas in turn had to brake while Seb pulled out onto the more open parts of the track. Round the stadium now, so close, Seb was _so_ close to the end of the race, he had to hold it together, there was no choice in the matter, he _had_ to stay ahead.

 

Back in the garage Mark stood stock still, unable to move a muscle as he stared at the screen, willing the final corner to appear for Seb. Britta to his side was bouncing fractionally up and down on her toes, repeating; _“Come on, come on, come on,”_ in German under her breath.

The shot suddenly switched to show Lewis dancing his car past the chequered flag to win the race and Mark let out an excruciated.

“Oh for godsake!”

He knew it was totally unreasonable to expect the coverage not to show the winner passing the flag, but Mark only wanted to see one car cross that line.

The team around him had sprung into life again, belting out across the pitlane to cheer and wave Daniel as he swung into the pit straight to claim second, Nico following not long after.

Seb's mechanics had gone too. They were all going to be in place to celebrate each driver coming home, but Mark stayed where he was. He couldn't look away from the screen, he had to wait to see Sebastian round that final corner, praying that FOM wouldn't cut to show Lewis or anyone else. He held his breath.

 

Sebastian could see how close Valtteri was. He didn't need telling to know that he was well within a second's gap now. They were passing the final DRS detection zone, but it was surely too late, the next DRS straight was also the finish straight and the line fell not far enough along to get the power down. He slowed for the final corner and all Seb could do was trust that Bottas behind him would do the same rather than risk some last moment bravado. He took the steady line into turn twenty, straightened out the car and flattened the accelerator one final time.

As he crossed the line Seb's engineer noted a 0:453 second gap. 0:001 would have done.

 

Mark breathed heavily as he saw what he needed to: Seb safely over the line. He continued to stare as the screen registered his fourth place and then cut back to show the last scraps of the race as Fernando was stealing into fifth even while the winners were having their slow-down lap celebrations broadcast.

He looked down and closed his eyes in silent prayer. Mark wasn't even sure he cared Seb had fourth. He cared that the race was _over_ and Seb was okay.

Mark felt Britta's hand on his arm and she was looking at him with concern.

“Are you okay?”

“Hmm?”

Mark tried to smile but he couldn't do it.

“I think I need some air.”

“Out front?”

“Back.”

Mark knew the cameras would be looking, he didn't want them to see this. He walked out back and sat down on the packing crate where he had sat nearly four hours earlier. He let his head dip forward and closed his eyes, breathing heavily. His heart was still pounding way too fast, his blood far too hot. Mark knew without looking that all the veins on his arms and hands must be standing out as his body tried to regulate itself.

“I'm going to grab you some water.”

Mark didn't lift his head until she came back and placed the bottle in his hand, the lid already open. He stared at the bottle for a moment. Nothing seemed real. He could hear a ringing in his ears and his limbs didn't feel his own. Mark looked at the bottle and wondered how normally it was so easy to make it come to his mouth. He couldn't move.

Britta was crouched by him, starting to get alarmed and wondering if she ought to go back through and find Dr. Phillips.

“Mark just take a sip of water, okay?”

Mark's hand seemed to move if its own accord and the bottle was at his lips. He took a sip and swallowed it down. Then another. There was noise, all this _noise_ all around them from the track and the crowds and the garages. The sounds bombarded him and Mark wished they would go away. He needed to be somewhere peaceful. He needed to lie down. He needed Seb back with him.

“Have another drink.”

Mark did as instructed, then took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, repeating the action a couple of times before blinking and giving his head a shake.

“Sorry.”

“No it's fine.”

“I'm okay. Sorry. I don't know what came over me then.”

Britta looked at him. She was sure it was all that stress balled up inside of Mark, pouring out at once as it mingled with relief and something close to exhaustion at the strain.

“Do you want to go back to the base?”

“Hmm? No. I'm okay.”

Mark drank some more water and took in a deep breath letting it feed into his brain. A calmness settled inside him. The race was over. Seb was safe. Four hours earlier DC had stood with him here and said this would happen and he could have a drink. Mark looked at the water bottle in his hand and smiled as he thought how this probably wasn't the drink David had in mind.

“Oh, god we need to go!”

“Go where?”

“Parc Fermé.”

Mark jumped up and ditched the bottle, shooting back through the garage into the pitlane as he worried that the drivers would have completed their in-laps and be back already. He put his long legs to good use and sprinted to reach the barriers, seeing a crowd and cars already there and hoping against hope that he hadn't missed Seb.

He spotted the RedBull uniforms and inserted himself amongst them, team-members parting to let him through when the saw who it was. Mark looked out; One, two, three cars parked in the winners' spots, but no more yet. He sighed out with relief and then ridiculously found himself worrying that something could have happened to Seb on the slow-down lap, but Mark wasn't to know that as soon as Sebastian knew his race had finished he had slowed to a crawl, feeling the weight of all that had just happened and how hard his heart was beating that he had ignored for the entirety of that last lap.

 

Valtteri had gone past him, but Sebastian hardly noticed. His engineer had whooped down the radio confirming his fourth place finish before Christian took over the comms, his voice shaking with emotion.

“Sebastian Vettel you are back! Really, really incredible. Amazing drive, well done.”

Sebastian barely heard him. He didn't know how to speak, never mind what to say.

“I...”

Seb took a sharp breath. God he wasn't going to cry. He couldn't _cry_ , that was so stupid. It was only fourth. He hadn't won or anything. It wasn't even a podium. But as Sebastian came down from the intensity of the last part of the race it struck him how grateful he would have been just to get in the points, just to finish at all. Just to get here, how much it had taken.

Damn. He was crying. He hoped they couldn't hear it in his voice.

“Thank you. Thank you for supporting me. I wouldn't be here...”

He couldn't say any more. Seb thought he was trying to talk to Mark, but he didn't even know if Mark was still listening. Sebastian took in a breath and steadied himself. He had to calm down. He was over-reacting again. He couldn't let himself unravel. He was fine. The race was over. He just had to bring the car home. This was so _stupid_. He couldn't even wipe his eyes like this inside his helmet. Sebastian slowed even further as he pulled into the pitlane and flipped the visor up, taking a hand off the steering wheel to pinch the bridge of his nose with a gloved hand, pushing the fingers either side to push the dampness away. He couldn't let them see him in a state when he stopped. The cameras would be there.

 

Sebastian slowed to a stop and sat for another second in the car, positioned alongside the Williams that was already empty, as were the three lead cars far in front. He took a deep breath as he fumbled with his seatbelt and wheel and managed to push himself up out of the car, only then seeing how crowded the barriers were with people; team members and press vying for space. Mercedes and RedBull there en masse. He removed his helmet and swept off the cowl covering his head, trying to make sure he pressed it over his face to wipe it dry. Seb pulled off his gloves, took out his radio ear-pieces and detached them. He was buying time to compose himself knowing cameras would be on him. Sebastian looked at the crowd at the barriers as he walked over, searching for Mark. Seb knew he hadn't won or anything, but Mark would be there wouldn't he?

“Seb!”

In the mass of noise all around, one voice caught his attention. Sebastian's eyes shot to the centre to find what he'd been looking for. He forgot all about the cameras and rushed over.

“Mark!”

Seb threw his arms around him, smiling as Mark reached out through the crowd pressing on either side and pulled Seb in, lifting him up onto his toes and trying to squeeze him tight despite the barrier being in the way. The team were trying to lean round to give Sebastian pats on the back and he let himself drop down onto his feet to look at Mark who put his hand at the side of Seb's face as they stared at one another.

“Oh my god Seb. Bloody hell, bloody hell.”

Mark let out a dry laugh and gave a slight shake of his head.

“How did you do that?”

Seb shrugged and smiled again. Mark looked and saw Seb's eyes were red-rimmed, a trace of dampness there. Mark smoothed his thumb under each eye, the gentle action seemingly out of sync with the fervent atmosphere all around them. He tried to lean forward a little more to see.

“You're alright aren't you?”

Sebastian nodded. He thought he'd forgotten how to speak again. He put his arms back around Mark to steal another moment before he knew he would have to go. Seb pressed his cheek into Mark's and wished if he closed his eyes he would reopen them and everyone else would be gone and they would be back home, just the two of them.

Mark had a hand on the back of his head, moving to speak in Seb's ear.

“You're really okay aren't you darling?”

“Yeah. I'm really okay.”

He gave Mark a kiss on the cheek and Mark moved to smile properly at him.

“Good.”

“I actually don't know how I did that,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Cos you're bloody amazing. That's why.”

He pressed over the barrier and gave Sebastian a deliberate kiss on the lips. Seb kissed back then took in a settling breath as he smiled back.

“I have to go.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian didn't want to give any attention to anyone other than Mark, but he knew he should, so he went along the gathered team to say thank you and let them give their congratulations. Mark he understood, but Seb was almost surprised to see his own guys here along with Dan's to celebrate his second place. He went along the row and saw his boss there too.

“Christian?”

“Well well, Seb. Aren't you a marvel?”

“It's only fourth.”

Christian raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

“It's remarkable. Now go on, you've got stuff you need to get on with.”

Sebastian laughed. It seemed almost ridiculous, but he knew he had to go do his duties, complete the routine. He spotted Britta now up by Mark and nipped back to give her a quick hug and then steal a final one with Mark, both of them knowing they were dragging this out, but Mark was back to not wanting to let go of him and Seb didn't want to do any of the tasks he knew were unavoidable.

“I'll see you in a bit.”

“Course.”

Seb nodded and walked away, collecting up his helmet he'd left on the car, piling his gloves with the cowl inside to carry them. As he went to walk inside Sebastian waved to the crowd, recognising for the first time the cheering from the stands opposite. As he waved the cheer got louder and Sebastian glanced quickly to the podium to see if there was someone there already, but there wasn't, this was for him. Only fourth place but they were cheering him. He waved again then turned around, knowing if he stayed any longer he really was going to cry again. Seb walked purposefully inside and went to do his distracting end of race duties.

He stood on the scales and looked for the TV screen listing the official results. There it was: S. Vettel – p4.

Seb stared at it for a moment letting the sight sink in, thinking he'd probably wake up in a minute.

 

 

 

 

The crowd around the parked cars waited for the podium ceremony to begin so they could cheer their drivers and Mark stayed to join in, knowing Seb was busy. He clapped Daniel as he stood on second spot, appreciating he deserved it, but wishing that Seb could be up there too so he could get the praise he really deserved. As Andretti finished up interviewing Daniel, Dan took the mic once more to say he thought there really ought to be a fourth spot up there today and there was a huge cheer from the crowd that nearly undid Mark. Britta by his side looked on the point of tears as well and the only thing that held them both back was that they knew the cameras would have found them, so they merely nodded and clapped and let the moment pass.

As soon as it was over Britta dashed off to collect Seb to take him to his post-race interviews in the pen and Mark was left alone. He wandered down the pitlane back towards the RedBull garage with team personnel all around him doing the same. Mark was so lost in his thoughts that he nearly walked into the Sky team filming their post-race round up.

“Mark.”

Mark stopped dead and looked at the small group, realising too late that he should have guessed they would be around and made himself scarce. Now he'd made eye-contact it was too late.

“Um, hi.”

The group looked almost more stunned than he did.

Martin gathered himself and addressed Mark first.

“That really was a remarkable comeback by Sebastian.”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark. “It was.”

“I think we're all a little bit amazed he could do that after all that's happened,” noted Simon.

Mark looked at him.

“Are you? I'm not.”

“Aren't you?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“No. Seb's incredible. Don't you know that by now?”

“He's certainly impressed everyone today. That was a quite heroic drive.”

“Mm.”

Johnny piped up to the side.

“A shame Seb wasn't actually up on that podium. Are you disappointed it was only fourth in the end?”

Mark stared at him.

“Only fourth?” he shook his head disbelievingly. “Are you out of your mind? Have you any idea what an achievement fourth is today, what Seb's been through to get here? Fourth is...” Mark swallowed. “Disappointed? I've never been prouder. I'm always proud of Seb, but today... It should have been impossible, but _no_ I'm not surprised, because that's who he is.”

Mark hadn't meant to say any of that, but it had simply spilled out of him. The group looked a little taken aback and it took Martin to continue.

“Yes, of course. It really was very impressive, never mind the circumstances, the last part of the race particularly, that was all heart.”

It wasn't deliberate, but he couldn't have chosen a worse word to use. Mark closed his eyes for a moment, then nodded and walked away without saying anything more. He couldn't, or Mark knew he would cry. Mark didn't look back as he strode on to the garage, the presenters trying to regroup with a vague; “Well an understandably very emotional Mark Webber there...” before carrying on with their discussions. Mark didn't care to hear what they had to say, he needed to get away. He passed through the garage telling Christian he was going to lie down in Sebastian's room, knowing Seb would go straight there to change once his interviews were done.

 

 

 

The next few hours were a blur for both of them. Once back in his room Seb and Mark got the moment alone they really needed, holding onto one another so tight they nearly crushed the breath out of the other before releasing ridiculous laughs of relief rather than crying, too happy to do that now it was all over. Once showered and changed Seb had to dash back to the garage to join in the team celebration. Second and fourth might not be a win, but RedBull were treating it as such. There was loud music and champagne and over-excited hugs before a team photo was taken, the world's press gathered around to watch. Mark sat next to Sebastian on the floor at the front, Christian and Britta nearby along with Dan, the rest of the crew piled in around them, holding up celebratory pit boards. Daniel had his second place trophy sat in front of him. Seb's mechanics had joked that they ought to make one for Seb to have, but Seb didn't care. All the while champagne sprayed and cheers went up, he was leaning into Mark who had his arm round Seb, each thinking that the best prize of all.

 

There was still a hectic atmosphere in the garage afterwards. While some attempted to begin sensibly clearing away, the music pounded and Sebastian gave a couple of quick interviews to the cameras that had intruded before finding his phone to finally call his family. Seb stood out the back, still having to shout above the noise to be heard. As soon as he was done, he was back with Mark inside and Christian was over, waving his own phone, pointing at it, saying; “Dietrich.”

Sebastian dutifully received more congratulation, still feeling a little odd that fourth place deserved such praise. He was pleased with it, but the main emotion Seb still felt was relief, relief that he could still race, relief that the weekend was over, relief that maybe he had got his life back as he had hoped.

 

Once that was done he looked to Mark, hoping that maybe they could make a getaway when Christian came back over to retrieve his phone.

“Everything okay?”

“Yep, he just wanted to say he was pleased.”

Christian nodded. He didn't think 'pleased' covered anything like what the team was feeling right now, but Seb was always so modest. He indicated over his shoulder.

“The guys all want to do something tonight to celebrate.”

Sebastian looked to Mark, thinking how they'd been looking forward to having a bit of time alone to do just that.

“Oh, umm.”

“I think we could all use it after today,” continued his boss.

Seb gave Mark another tiny glance, both already knowing he couldn't say no.

“Of course.”

“Great. We'll do the pack up and let you know. Somewhere in town, a bar maybe, we'll sort it out.”

“Sure.”

Christian walked away to get someone on the case and Seb turned to Mark who shrugged and smiled.

“I guess we have some company on our date.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded. He could think of worse things.

 

 

 

 

 

That evening the whole team crammed into the bar that had been selected, not far from their hotel in the centre of Austin. It wasn't anywhere fancy, just big enough to contain them and a few other locals already in there seeing as it had been too late to actually book anywhere exclusively. Seb had taken yet more congratulations from all of his guys, Dan's guys and indeed Dan himself who was in a pretty good mood with his second place. The mechanics attempted to get Sebastian to do a round of shots with them but Seb excused himself saying he really wasn't up to it after being off alcohol so long. Mike who had the tray-load of little glasses was about to insist that Seb _had_ to join in when he caught Mark's eye as he stood by Seb's side and decided to back off, going instead to offer the glass to Dan who happily downed the contents.

Christian came over from where he'd been sat at a semi-circular booth to the side with Britta and stood at the bar looking at the team getting ever more rambunctious.

“Bloody good job they've done all the packing up. Tomorrow's gonna be a write-off.”

Sebastian laughed.

“You don't mind?”

“After this weekend? No. Flights out aren't till Wednesday. If they've not recovered from their hangovers by then...”

Mark and Sebastian laughed. They had no intention of inflicting hangovers on themselves, but they understood why the team needed to let loose, as Christian did. Not just this weekend, but the past two months had been a strain on the whole team. They needed this.

“Buy you a drink?” offered Christian.

“Oh, um, we've got it thanks,” replied Sebastian.

He turned to Mark by his side and moments later the barman offered over two identical bottles of beer, handing one to each. Christian watched as the pair took the drinks, then passed them over to swap, chinked the bottles and drank, all the while gazing and smiling at each other. He wondered what on earth that was about, but knew not to ask.

The two of them went to sit with Britta, not wishing to be rude and cut themselves off, while Christian got some drinks in before going over to join them.

 

Sebastian and Mark left the energy of the room to be carried by the rest, only occasionally joining in making a little polite chit-chat. They sat on the curved leather bench at the booth, Mark to the outside, his arm around Seb as he leaned into him, relaxed enough in this company not to give any consideration to what anyone thought.

The boys had discovered the bar had a jukebox and were having fun inflicting their musical tastes on the rest. It was loud and the drinking continued unabated but despite the passage of time Mark and Seb were only on their second beers. Seb had drunk a couple of sips of champagne in the garage earlier, but only for show. He hadn't been exaggerating when Seb had made his excuses to the guys earlier, any more than this and he knew it would go to his head.

Christian got up and offered to buy a round again but Sebastian shook his head, saying he had plenty, Mark agreeing, even though their bottles were two-thirds drunk. Britta went to visit the bathroom as Christian's exit gave her room to slide out from the long bench they were all sat round the table on.

 

As soon as they were alone Mark turned further into Seb.

“Okay?”

Sebastian nodded.

“I'm so glad we've got tomorrow off.”

“God yes,” laughed Mark. “I'm knackered.”

Sebastian laughed back and moved his hand where it casually rested on Mark's knee under the table to slide it further up the inside of his thigh. Mark laughed some more and shook his head teasingly at Seb doing this here, even if it was hidden out of sight.

Mark leaned in and gave Sebastian a little kiss just below his ear before whispering in it.

“Well maybe not _entirely_ knackered.”

“That is reassuring,” smiled Seb. “And you know seeing as we have tomorrow off, we can stay in bed all day if you want.”

“Well there's an idea.”

Mark moved his head to look at Sebastian and flicked his eyebrows up suggestively, causing Seb to grin in turn. He gave Seb a squeeze and said nothing to encourage Sebastian to move that hand.

 

 

Mark had given Seb all the praise he could think of earlier, told him how impressed and proud he was, but like Sebastian, the main emotion Mark felt was a tidal wave of _relief_ washing through his whole body, so overpowering it pushed away almost everything else. Both of them were starting to think that they might actually sleep the whole next day through, but right now they had other ideas.

Normally they wouldn't have been so all over one another in public like this, but Seb especially was feeling a little reckless, coasting on a post-race high. He barely remembered what he had said in all those interviews earlier. More repetitions of thanks to his family, Mark particularly, and the team of course. Thanks that he was here at all and hopes that they could move on now and go back to normal.

He'd got plenty of pats on the back from his fellow drivers, trying to make sure he said well done in turn, especially to friends such as Lewis and Dan. Seb hoped he hadn't been too emotional when he'd been in the pen. The only time he thought he'd nearly lost it was when Will had paused the chatter to see how he was and merely said; “This means a lot doesn't it?” and all Seb could get out in reply was a cracked, “ _yeah_ ,” before Britta pulled him out.

When Seb had been collared by the BBC in the paddock, David had been so giddy he'd actually hugged Seb and Sebastian had hardly known how to react. In truth he'd felt in a daze after the race and Britta had been guiding him through it more than ever. Thankfully most of those interviewing Seb had seemed pretty over-excited themselves, so he'd largely let them run on talking and kept his answers short, trying to get his media commitments over so he could get back to Mark.

Mark hadn't watched any of those interviews. He'd simply lain in silence staring at the ceiling of Seb's little room waiting for him to come back, thanking god that Seb _was_ coming back to him. His phone was going crazy with messages and calls, but the only ones Mark had returned immediately were to his family and to Fabian's long over-excited text, to which Mark's reply was: 'Told you he's amazing didn't I?'

 

 

Mark looked in Seb's eyes that were all filled with light and gave him a warm smile back as he hugged him in a little tighter, not wanting to let go.

He whispered into Sebastian's ear once more.

“Does this indicate we're still on for the second half of our date?”

Seb gave him a little nod and Mark flicked his eyebrows again appreciatively. He looked out at the gathered team.

“They seem to be enjoying themselves.”

“Mm, yeah it's nice,” agreed Sebastian.

A thought had occurred to Mark that he considered important to share.

“I think everyone's here and they seem pretty set on making a night of it.”

Seb nodded. It was only something past ten, by the looks of things it was going to be a late one for the guys.

“Uh huh.”

“Which means nobody is at the hotel.”

Sebastian looked at him blankly, taking a moment to click, so Mark whispered again.

“Our neighbours for example, in the next rooms.”

“Oh. _Oh_...”

Sebastian started laughing as he realised and Mark had a terrible urge to tickle him, but if he did that Mark knew Seb would tickle back and from there, in this mood, it would be damn difficult not to just jump Seb right here and whilst the team were accepting of their relationship, Mark suspected even they didn't want to see that.

 

At the bar Christian glanced back over, wondering if he shouldn't just get them some drinks in anyway. He couldn't see under the table, but he could see how wrapped up in each other Mark and Seb were, how they whispered and smiled and laughed, thinking no one was looking. It almost made him happier to see than the race result itself. Eight weeks ago Mark had been distraught at Sebastian's bedside while he lay in a coma and they hadn't known if Seb was going to make it through the night. Now this. Christian wasn't even sure Sebastian understood just how impressive his achievement was, but Seb's shrugged, 'only fourth' comment somehow made Christian even more pleased to know that he still expected more of himself. A perfectionist to the core. He had his driver back.

 

Britta and Christian came back over and retook their seats with the fresh drinks Christian had brought. Mark took another drink of his beer, almost draining his bottle and Christian noticed.

“You sure you don't want me to grab you another?”

“Nah we're fine aren't we sweetheart?”

“Mm,” agreed Sebastian.

He glanced slightly more to Mark.

“You know I'm pretty tired.”

“Yeah, me too,” agreed Mark, carefully not smiling at the way Sebastian moved his hand inwards on his thigh as he said that, still hidden out of sight under the table. Sebastian definitely _wasn't_ tired. Neither was Mark now.

Oblivious to this, Britta and Christian nodded, considering they'd had a long and stressful day, so it wasn't all that surprising even if it was fairly early yet.

Sebastian faked a yawn and Mark was trying desperately hard not to fall about laughing. He gave Seb's arm a little rub.

“You wanna head back?”

Sebastian nodded to him.

“Mm, think I could do with an early night Liebling.”

There was a glint in Seb's eye and Mark battled to maintain his straight face as he thought about how quickly they could get back to their nice deserted floor of the hotel.

“I think that's a good idea darling.”

Seb nodded, then looked back to their companions.

“Do you think the guys'll be offended if we duck out?”

Christian shook his head, looking out at the team enjoying themselves.

“I think you're fine.”

“I could get them a round in, a couple maybe?” offered Sebastian.

“You don't need to.”

“I want to. I'd like to say thank you to them.”

“Okay then.”

Sebastian hadn't given any big speeches, preferring to give his thanks one on one, or at least to smaller groups as he had in the garage earlier. It felt more personal that way.

 

They got up and Sebastian went with Christian to the bar to stick some money on his credit card, estimating what should cover it. As Mark stood waiting, he turned to Britta.

“You're not going to spring any follow-up interviews or anything on him are you?”

Britta shook her head.

“I promise Mark, nothing more while we're here.”

“Thank you and thank you for everything this weekend.”

Britta shrugged. It had been a pretty rough time, but it ended well, that was all she cared about now.

Seb was back over.

“All set?”

“Yep, Christian's gonna let them know, so I think this would be a good time to escape.”

Mark smiled and nodded. They said their goodbyes and while the team were rushing the bar like students at happy hour, they started to make for the exit, pausing only to nod acknowledgement as a few of the team raised drinks in cheers to them, before Seb and Mark slipped out of the door and were gone.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah and I had to leave it there didn't I? But this was already a super long chapter because I didn't want to short-change this race of all races. I hope it worked and you could picture it as I could.
> 
>  
> 
> This, as you may have noticed, is chapter 100, which seems appropriate for this milestone in their story. It's also the point I've crossed one million words. Yes, I know that's crazy. For those sticking with this saga as it goes on (and on and on), thank you. 
> 
> :)


	101. Paper Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah and a bit of post-race relief. Bizarrely I'm feeling equally relieved that the race in Monza went without incident today too (I know this means I'm crazy when this is just a little story, but I've weirdly got too close in the past).
> 
> So let out that breath and here's a little Sunday night treat. (I hope you think of it that way!)

* * *

 

 

They were grateful the team had selected a bar close to their hotel so they could get back as quickly as possible. As they stepped off the lift Seb was almost tempted to shout, _“Hello?”_ down the corridor to check if it really was empty, but he had other matters on his mind as Mark was already trying to kiss him anywhere he could reach whilst Seb fumbled with the keycard to get into the room. Sebastian stopped to tell him off, but all he could manage when he pulled away was to give Mark a teasing face while he laughed at him.

“Inside?” tried Sebastian.

Mark nodded and let him actually get the door open so they could go in and shut it behind him before carrying on, trying to remove clothing and kiss each other at the same time.

If Sebastian had time for any kind coherent thought at that point, he might have considered how it was that Mark always seemed to manage this a little more easily than him, whereas Seb always seemed to end up rather more dishevelled. Maybe it was to do with being shorter, or maybe it was his hair being a little longer and more unruly, but Mark certainly never complained. Seb standing there, trying to get his breath back after his t-shirt had been hauled over his head; hair all mussed-up, cheeks pinked and kissed lips parted and breathy. Mark couldn't think of a more attractive sight.

He stopped for a moment to gaze at him and Sebastian looked back as they paused for a moment.

“What?”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“Nothing. Just you, being gorgeous.”

Sebastian smiled diffidently and felt his cheeks pink a little more. He didn't know how Mark did that to him. He always made him feel so good about himself. Seb stepped in and lifted up on his toes to kiss Mark on the lips, then lowered down to appraise the view in front of him.

“You're not so bad yourself.”

Mark laughed and pulled Seb in tight to kiss him hard, then let go.

They managed to get belts undone and shook off jeans before Mark took Seb's hand and pulled him over to the side of the bed. They were still in their underwear, the temptation to rush ahead was there, but tonight meant too much and they were trying to keep a temper on things. Mark sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping hold of Seb's hand to encourage him to sit straddling him, Seb flicking his eyebrows up and grinning back at him. Sebastian moved to slink his arms loosely around Mark's neck while Mark put his hands to rest at the curve of Seb's spine to keep him in place. They smiled at one another for a moment, then Mark gave a little shake of his head and sighed. Seb tipped his head slightly, trying to read him.

“Okay?”

“Very,” agreed Mark, “just... Very glad we're here right now.”

He meant much more than simply that he was glad they had escaped the crowd at the bar to be alone in their hotel room, or the even the fact that they had reached the Sunday night they had been longing for. It was that the two of them were together, Seb was well, that it finally felt as though they had _survived_ this.

Sebastian gave Mark a softer smile as he thought he understood.

“Me too Liebling. You know I couldn't do any of this without you.”

Mark didn't want to say he _did_ know that, as it would have felt he was saying Sebastian couldn't do this alone, but he knew how much they depended on each other and how much better they both did when they lived their life in sync together. He didn't want to think about the week ahead, that wasn't for now. Mark simply gave a tiny nod back and replied.

“Me too. I love you.”

“Love you too. Mein Fels.”

Mark smiled more widely and they squeezed each other tight. Seb, buried his face into Mark's shoulder for a moment and hung on, feeling so secure like this. He hoped he'd said enough earlier to make clear to the world how much he owed Mark. Seb wasn't sure anyone really understood what Mark did for him. All they saw was Mark standing in the garage. They didn't know what that meant.

 

Sebastian lifted his head and gazed into Mark's eyes as they relaxed their hold on one another. It always amused Sebastian slightly to be like this, to sit so they were level, him almost a fraction higher, letting him feel in control and knowing how Mark would give him anything he wanted. He leaned in and they started kissing again, more slowly and more deeply, breathing seeming a mere after-thought as they pressed in tight. They barely even noticed how their hands were wandering as they began to move against one another, starting to speed things up as they grew more urgent. Kissing fell away as they merely let their faces rest together, taking in sharper gasps of air as they began to grind together, Seb keeping hold around Mark's neck as Mark sent his hands down to grasp a hold of Seb's arse and dragging him closer.

Mark didn't wait too long before he was sneaking his hands inside Sebastian's underwear, Seb laughing against him and moving his head a little to smile at Mark while he grinned back. They knew where this was going, the only variable was the route they took. In another moment Sebastian was hitching up so Mark could drag his underwear lower, both of them getting more and more out of breath as things intensified. They were both so hard already that they knew they had to move things on. Mark paused what he was doing and tried to look at Seb who was busy trying to kiss at the corner of Mark's jaw. Mark moved his hands to put them at Sebastian’s waist and attempted to gain his attention.

“Seb.”

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled at how Seb was getting lost in the moment, lifting his head to look at him with a slightly dazed expression.

“Do you wanna?”

“Oh. Yeah.”

 

Mark helped Sebastian stand up for a moment, just enough so they could scramble to drag their underwear off and Seb took the opportunity to reach over and grab the bottle of lube they'd left ready in the bedside drawer before settling back in place, ditching it beside them as both let out a breath before resuming where they'd left off.

Sebastian hitched a little further in as they picked things up. They went back to kissing and moving against one another. Mark was kissing hard at Seb's neck, knowing exactly what that did to him, sending the blood firing even faster around his body and the neurons firing inside his brain. Somehow he knew without looking that Mark was grinning as he did it and the knowledge made Sebastian want to tease him back for it, to do something in reply, but as Mark moved his lips further down Seb's neck he also slid his hands around from his waist down the muscles of his back to grasp his arse again and shift him up. Mark lifted his head to catch Sebastian's eye and they looked at one another for a moment as smiles spread over their faces and Seb leaned his head in to give Mark a kiss on the lips, before letting him stop for a second to reach for the lube so they could move things on.

Sebastian closed his eyes as Mark began to touch inside him, gasping out and clutching onto his shoulders to hold on. Sebastian could think of nothing but the moment they were in right now and how good it felt. He let the sounds that fell from his mouth grow louder as they continued, glad that they didn't need to worry about anyone overhearing them. It was just the two of them together, nothing else existed. Mark took his time. He wanted to make sure that Seb was completely happy and relaxed, all the tension of this weekend falling away as they continued. Sebastian's hold on him was still tight so Mark shifted them back to help him feel more securely positioned, groaning as it accidentally thrust them together again and smiling as he saw Seb laughing a little. Mark shook his head and gave Seb a kiss.

“Okay then?”

Seb took in a deeper breath and nodded.

“Good, so good.”

Mark give him a little nod back and they went back to how they were. Mark kept a firm hold with one hand on Seb's lower back to keep him in place as they moved and started to kiss at Sebastian's neck again, knowing exactly where to aim and letting himself feel just a little self-satisfied at the reaction he got.

Sebastian took a sharp intake of breath. Mark was kissing him unrelentingly and it felt so good, then he stepped things up, reaching deeper inside him until he found the perfect spot and Sebastian thought he might just dissolve in his arms. He tried to make his mouth work, but actual words seemed beyond him and only increasingly desperate sounds came out as Seb started to jerk his hips into Mark, barely controlling himself.

“Oh fuck, Seb, _Jesus_ ,” gasped Mark, losing track of what he was trying to do.

They were rubbing together, each as hard as the other and Mark knew they couldn't wait any longer. He took a deep breath and looked into Sebastian's eyes, the pupils dark and intense.

“Seb.”

Sebastian took in more breath, his chest already heaving. Mark was still touching inside, and he had no idea how he was supposed to talk when Mark did that to him.

“Seb.”

“Yes, yes. Please, _ahh_. Gott.”

Sebastian sounded so far gone already.

“Darling.”

“Yeah.”

“Like this?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian couldn't think of anything other than having Mark as soon as possible. Mark nodded and pressed a kiss to Seb's lips as he gently as possible removed his fingers and lifted Sebastian up so they could both properly sit further back on the bed. Seb recovered himself a little with the movement and grabbed up the lube to pour some out into his hand and do the task for Mark, slicking up his cock and receiving a gratifyingly tortured groan from him as he did so. Mark ran his hand over Seb in turn, but he didn't want this to end here so he took the lube himself and returned to touch Seb again to be certain he was ready.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded. He knelt higher up and Mark put his hands at his hip to guide him, looking deep into each others eyes as everything slowed right down except the rate their hearts were beating. Mark helped Seb to lower into position, letting him control the pace, every tiny movement played out on his face. Mark forced himself to keep his eyes open to take it all in, every twitched muscle, every little sound that fell from Seb's lips, the way his eyelids flickered and how damn good he felt.

Seb was sure his thighs much be quivering already as he let himself lower slowly, slowly, feeling everything and trying not to let it overwhelm him. He gripped Mark's shoulders and focussed on the expression in his eyes, how warm they were even as they ate him up, every last bit of him, all of him Mark's and all of Mark his.

 

Mark took in a deep breath as they settled. He raised a hand and placed it at the side of Seb's face to make sure he was okay. No need to rush things, Mark knew Seb would let him know when he was ready. They had all the time in the world, they had all night. Slowing things down was good. They had taken so long to get here, neither wanted it to be over too soon.

After a minute Sebastian leaned in to kiss Mark, letting go of his shoulders and moving his hands so that he reached around his neck once more. Seb slowly began to move his hips, trying to make sure he angled them correctly and let Mark take a hold of him, coaxing him a little further forward until they could comfortably move together, still trying to go slow.

They went as long as they could, trying to control this, to keep the pace low, but for all his assertions earlier that he wasn't tired, in truth it had been a very long day. As Seb's legs repeated the same motion over and over where he knelt straddling Mark, his muscles were aching and he knew he couldn't go on any longer and had to pause. Their foreheads lay pressed together, noses aligned between snatched kisses, but now Sebastian lifted his head to get Mark's attention, whose hips were still automatically lifting into him.

“Mark.”

Mark raised his head to look at Seb.

“Hm?”

“I, please, I don't think...” Sebastian took in a heaved breath. “My legs are tired Liebling, I can't...”

Mark huffed the softest of laughs as he paused and nodded, giving him a little kiss to let him know it wasn't a problem. He moved his hands to smooth them over Seb's thighs, massaging the muscles there, then round over his hips, stroking over his skin, up his back, then down again.

“Okay.” He gave Sebastian a smile. “Hold on, alright darling?”

Sebastian nodded back. He fixed his arms more firmly around Mark's neck and gripped his thighs into Mark's with whatever strength he had left there. Mark gave him another kiss, then kept one arm around him and with the other pushed to flip them over, making sure when they landed, he didn't crush into Seb.

Even with the movement slowed, the shock of it still took Seb's breath away and he let his head tip back as they readjusted. They were lying sideways across the bed and Sebastian took a moment to gather himself, glad of the way Mark lowered his whole body into him and let their chests move as one for a minute.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded and lifted his head to kiss him, then as Mark lifted a fraction Seb shifted and raised his knees either side of Mark, widening his legs and angling up a little more to encourage Mark to take things on.

Mark dipped in to give him another quick kiss, then put his hands on the mattress to lever himself up and started to move again, slowly at first, but soon picking up the pace. Sebastian found a little more energy and managed to wrap his legs around Mark, his arms still encircling his neck as he clung to him, letting Mark do most of the work now as Seb felt lost to it. He closed his eyes to see the bright lights dancing behind the lids. Mark was so deep inside him, all the way, right _there_ , making Seb cry out he knew not what, whether it was German or English or even words at all. Sebastian knew he couldn't last much longer, surely he couldn't hold on, it was too much, too much.

Mark was spurred on by the helpless noises Seb was making now. He sounded so totally abandoned to the moment and he was gripping him so tightly. Mark couldn't slow down now, not if the building fell down around them. Nothing could take Seb away from him now, he was all his; every millimetre of his body, every snatched breath of air in his lungs, every moan that spilled from his mouth, all his.

Mark found enough in himself to kiss Sebastian again, starting at his jaw and messily working his way to his mouth, succeeding in getting Seb to come back to him a little and reopen his eyes as he had hoped.

They stared at each other, still moving as one. Mark wanted to see the expression in those eyes, to feel the connection completed as they came, Seb grasping him even tighter as they let go, neither with any concern as to how much noise the were making.

 

Mark collapsed into Seb, unable to keep himself up anymore. Their chests were pinned together and Mark let his face fall to the side so they could breathe at all like this.

Sebastian had his eyes closed now. He still had his arms and legs wrapped around Mark and he didn't want to let go, not now, not ever.

Mark tried to lift up a little as he recovered himself and the movement encouraged Sebastian to finally slacken his hold, letting his legs fall down and reopening his eyes to see Mark's face above him again. He gave him a dazed smile which broadened as Mark smiled back and lowered in to brush their noses together in a little eskimo kiss, before giving him a real kiss on the lips.

Seb let out a long sigh and moved his hands to stroke over Mark's shoulder blades, then down his upper arms.

“Lie with me a bit?”

Mark gave him a little nod and lowered himself back in. He couldn't worry about crushing Sebastian like this, he would tell him if it was too much. Mark knew how Seb needed this, how important these moments were to both of them. Sex was never a throwaway thing with them, never to be taken for granted no matter the circumstances and tonight of all nights was more significant than most.

 

They lay there as long as they could until Mark finally knew he had to move, shifting as carefully as possible and pulling Seb to stay with him as they settled more comfortably. Sebastian lay securely held in Mark's arms as he leaned in to give him a nice long slow kiss, before Sebastian left the kiss with a sigh and dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder, feeling as if every drop of energy had gone from his body. Mark coasted his hand over Seb's arm, lazing there a while longer, no concern for how much time was passing until he noticed Sebastian was starting to drift off. He smiled and raised a hand to stroke a finger down his nose.

“We should clean up darling, get some proper sleep.”

Sebastian was almost off then. He nuzzled the side of his face on Mark's shoulder.

“Seb?”

Mark smiled and shook his head to see Seb force his eyes open to blearily look at him. He stroked his hand a little more firmly over Sebastian’s skin to try to rouse him a little.

“Alright darling?”

“Mmm.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and Sebastian took in a deeper breath then confessed.

“I don't think I can move Liebling.”

Mark nodded and gave him another quick kiss. He wasn't surprised that Seb was worn out. After that, after today, after everything.

“Stay here then. Won't be a sec, then we can get comfortable, okay?”

 

Sebastian nodded and let Mark slip out from under him to go to the bathroom, returning with a damp towel to sort them out and deposited it back again, detouring only to the other side of the room as Mark remembered to squeak the door open an inch to reach his hand through to flip the sign on the door-handle to 'Do not disturb'. Outside there was still complete silence, no sign of any of their neighbours making their way back. Mark allowed himself a smile as he thought that was probably a very good job seeing as they'd been making quite a racket only a few minutes earlier.

As he came back over Mark sat on the bed and looked at Sebastian curled up on himself, his eyes already closed. Mark stroked a hand over his side, but Seb didn't even stir. It wouldn't do though, he wasn't even lying the right way, never mind under the covers.

“Seb.”

Mark rubbed his shoulder.

“Come on sweetheart, let's get comfy.”

Sebastian let out a tiny sigh and moved his head a little but made no other signs of stirring. Mark smiled and ran his fingers through Seb's hair, wondering if he could move him in his sleep, when Sebastian finally cracked his eyes open a fraction to see him and Mark huffed another little laugh.

“Tired darling?”

Seb gave the smallest of nods, feeling completely spent. It was taking all he could just to raise his eyelids enough to look at Mark.

Mark nodded, thinking how lovely Seb looked like this, all heavy-lidded and boneless. He folded the duvet back as far as he could, then went further over to Sebastian to slip his hands under his body and carefully shift him to lie the right way on the mattress, his head now on the pillow. He set himself down alongside and pulled the duvet over the pair of them. Seb couldn't keep his eyes open anymore, he lay limply, unable to do anything to help Mark as he slid his hands under him once more and lifted him to lie on his chest, Seb merely sleepily rubbing his cheek into Mark as he lay there to let him know he was happy and released a soft exhale of air as he settled.

Mark let out a long sigh and reached out his spare hand to flick off the bedside lamp then placed it at Seb's wrist where it lay dropped on his stomach. He gently lifted it up and pressed it to his lips to kiss the fish there, not needing the light to see. Mark was fairly sure that Seb was fast asleep now, but it didn't matter. He placed Seb's hand back down to sit on his chest and Mark tipped his head around to kiss Seb's forehead instead.

“I love you.”

He didn't require a response to know that Sebastian felt the same. Mark closed his eyes and took a couple more deep breaths, appreciating the feeling of Seb's body nicely molded to him as they lay naturally together, chests resting pressed in, hearts beating more slowly than they had all day. Slow but steady. Within a few minutes of Seb, Mark fell into an equally sound sleep until morning.

 

 

 

 

 

When Mark woke the next day he had no idea what time it was other than the fact it was daylight outside. They had slept right through the other occupants of this corridor stumbling back some time in the early hours and the room-maid trundling her trolley along on her rounds finding door after door hung with 'Do Not Disturb' signs and gratefully thinking she might get to finish early today.

Mark looked down to see Seb right where he'd left him, still fast asleep. He had no intention of waking him when he looked so beautifully peaceful, breathing slowly against him. Mark brushed his hand softly over Seb's arm and thought he'd let him sleep all day if he needed it. Mark let out sigh and wondered again how on earth Sebastian had achieved what he had yesterday. He'd had some strokes of luck, sure, but the rest had been pure instinct, pure racer, pure Seb. It might have been torture to endure watching him take those risks, but Mark's admiration for Seb daring to take them knew no bounds. Mark could feel Sebastian's heart beating slowly through his chest as he lay against him, but he couldn't forget how rapidly it had beaten when he had held him before the race yesterday, Seb unable to hide from him how scared he really had been beneath the skin. He was so brave. How anyone still under-estimated Sebastian was a mystery to Mark.

He smiled to himself as Sebastian unconsciously nuzzled into Mark's chest, thinking how Seb wasn't just amazing, he was gorgeous too. How could anyone wonder why he was with him? Mark couldn't imagine getting anything better than this.

 

That pair of gorgeous blue eyes looked up at him and Mark smiled again.

“Morning darling.”

Sebastian pushed himself further up to smile back at him.

“Morning Liebling.”

He let out a contented sigh and Mark stroked his hand over Seb's skin again.

“How're you feeling?”

Sebastian wasn't sure he was conscious enough to feel anything yet apart from warm and nice.

“Mmm, good I think.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You think?”

“I'm not very awake yet,” Seb admitted.

Mark nodded and leaned in to give him a kiss, causing Sebastian to smile and snuggle in closer, leaving the kiss with a sigh.

“What time is it?”

Mark gave a little shrug.

“Don't know. Doesn't matter. Day off remember.”

“Ah yes.”

A whole lovely empty day off together. Neither one of them wanted to think of anything that waited beyond it.

 

 

They lay in contentment for a time, each appreciating the absence of any need to rush. Mark thought that he'd definitely be quite happy to go with Seb's suggestion that they stay in bed all day like this. He still felt all soft and supple against him, his body relaxed. Mark was feeling equally relaxed and happy. It occurred to Mark that the way Seb was lying into him with his hips pressed into his side and his arm around him, did lead him to the idea that he'd quite like to pick things up where they'd left off last night, but he relied on Sebastian letting him know when he wanted to change the pace.

They didn't talk much, feeling as though they had spent the whole weekend talking. There was no need when they were like this anyway, each knowing the other well enough to understand how things were. Sebastian waited until his brain finally felt a little more alert, then hooked his leg over Mark's to draw the arch of his foot up Mark's calf, the action as slow as the smile that crept over both their faces as he did so. Mark raised an eyebrow and Seb tweaked his up in turn. They knew it wouldn't take long to get back to where they needed to be and soon enough they were right there. Mark put his weight on his elbows and laced their fingers together as they lay on the pillow, either side of Sebastian's head, looking into each other's eyes as they moved in time.

Mark collapsed on the bed beside Seb, each of them still struggling to pull enough oxygen into their lungs as they came down. The duvet had long since slid off onto the floor, but neither of them could be bothered to fetch it back up, preferring to wrap themselves back up in each other to stay warm.

 

 

More time passed. Seb wasn't sure if he might not have dropped off to sleep again. His limbs felt all funny, as if they'd been stretched out and the muscles had got all distorted. He let out a long sigh and looked at Mark whose head was on the pillow barely an inch away.

“Was I asleep?”

Mark smiled.

“Mm. That's okay. Still tired?”

“Bit.”

Mark pulled Seb in closer so they could cuddle up for a while. Eventually Mark thought they were both in danger of falling asleep again.

“We should go shower.”

“Hmmm.”

Mark laughed against him and Sebastian smiled to feel it.

“Don't fancy it?” he asked.

Seb shrugged a shoulder. Ideally he'd like it if the shower could just come to him.

Mark grinned and gave him a kiss.

“Come on, we're all skanky.”

“Hmmm,” teased Sebastian.

Mark pulled a face at Seb being quite this lethargic. He was pretty sure it must be nearly lunch time already. He had no objection to staying here, but he'd quite like to feel a little nicer than he did right now. Mark sat up and tried to get Seb to sit with him, but he stubbornly laid in place. Mark huffed and resorted to trying to tickle him, succeeding in Sebastian only scootching out of reach and batting Mark's hands away.

Seb was giggling to himself, knowing he was going to lose this fight, but for some strange reason he'd decided to make Mark work for it to drag him from this lovely big bed. Mark narrowed his eyes at him across the bed.

“Lazy, lazy,” taunted Mark.

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder, laughing as Mark tried to reach for him again, scooting yet further over out of reach. Mark shook his head.

“Careful, you'll fall off,” warned Mark.

“No I won't,” Seb replied, defiantly shuffling a few inches further over until he really was on the edge of the bed.

Mark stood and walked around to his side, thinking he might have to catch him to stop Seb doing just that.

“Daft sod, get up.”

Mark tucked his hand under Sebastian and tried to pull him up, Seb wiggling out of reach, turning and then grabbing at Mark, getting a hold of his hand and surprising him to tug Mark back on top of him so they ended up a heap on the bed, laughing and collapsing down again. Mark frowned and looked about him as if trying to work out how he had ended up back where he'd started. He shook his head at Seb, getting him under the ribs and tickling him properly.

“Ah! _Mark_.”

“Well come on then.”

Mark climbed off and stood again, giving Sebastian a look.

“Am I going to have to resort to my threat to put you over my shoulder?”

Sebastian finally sat up.

“You wouldn't?”

Mark pretended to consider it, then shook his head. The idea was quite tempting, but he was too worried he might drop Seb to actually try it. Instead he offered out a hand and Sebastian finally took it to allow himself to be pulled from the bed and led into the shower.

 

 

In the corridor outside, two RedBull team members had just stepped out of their rooms to meet so they could go and find some food to try to overcome the horrendous hangovers they were suffering from. As they walked past Mark and Seb's room one man turned to the other.

“Did you hear something?”

The other man glanced across.

“No.”

“Me neither.”

They walked down and pressed the button on the lift.

“Reckon anywhere round here does a decent bacon sandwich?”

“Dunno. Think I'd sell my body for a proper cup of tea though.”

The lift door pinged open and they stepped aboard.

“Take more than that mate, they don't even have teapots round here.”

The other man sighed and shook his head sadly. The things they endured for the love of their job, people would never know.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark and Seb stood in the shower, the temperature turned down a little to try to wake them up. They spent time washing each other, massaging hands over skin to help tired muscles and shampooing hair a little more vigorously to stimulate their brains. Mark was now stood behind Sebastian as the water washed over them sending the suds away. He pressed in, slipping his hands around him to hold Seb, closing his eyes for a moment to feel how nice it was, sinking his chin onto Seb's shoulder and reopening his eyes as he felt Sebastian put his hands over his own. He moved his head to reach to kiss at Seb's jawline, loosening his hold on him as Seb turned to meet him so they could kiss properly and before they knew it they were getting carried away again. Sebastian was leaning back against the slick tiled wall as they pressed into one another, hands wandering as the tempo increased.

Sebastian had his hands on Mark, keeping him pulled in. As they started to move against one another. Seb smiled as they broke the kiss for a moment, feeling how hard Mark was as he pressed in against him and knowing he would be there himself in no time.

“Mark?”

“Hm?”

Mark tried to recall his brain into operation, taking in a deep breath to do so. He saw the way Sebastian was looking at him.

“Oh, yeah.”

Seb laughed and slid his hand down.

“Don't you want to..?”

Mark most definitely did.

“Here?”

Sebastian laughed a little more as he recalled their summer holiday. A nice idea, but he didn't think he was quite up to that today, so he shook his head.

“Bed.”

“Bed,” agreed Mark.

They switched off the shower, detached themselves enough from each other to briefly towel off sufficiently to go back through, wasting no time in falling into bed together again.

 

 

They lost the afternoon as they had lost the morning, making the most of every moment that they had. Getting any further than bed or the bathroom seemed as unlikely as they had predicted. Neither wanted to leave an inch of either's body that they had not kissed or touched until the memory of it was imprinted in their brains. It was as if they couldn't lose contact at any point, no matter how exhausted their bodies were, they couldn't let this precious moment pass.

By late afternoon they'd taken a second shower and resorted to turning it all the way down cold to distract themselves, Mark saying that if they didn't get some food soon he was going to collapse in a heap.

They dried off and wrapped themselves up in the hotel dressing rooms before calling down for something to eat. Only when their food appeared did Sebastian realise just how starving hungry he was and they settled into a heap to consume as much as they could. When finished Sebastian gathered up their stuff and dumped it back out in the corridor, hoping nobody would be passing to see him dressed like this. Getting an all clear he rushed back over and bounced on his knees back onto the bed to throw himself at a slightly surprised Mark, who laughed as he caught Seb and let him snuggle back in.

Sebastian buried his cheek into the soft towelling collar of Mark's dressing gown at his neck, wrapping his arms around him and smiling to be held in tight in return. Mark huffed a gentle laugh and kissed the top of his head. Seb lifted up to look at him and Mark smiled at his enthusiasm.

“I thought you were tired,” he teased.

“I am tired.”

“Oh?”

Seb sighed melodramatically.

“You've worn me out Liebling.”

Mark chuckled to see the cheeky grin twitching at the corner of Seb's mouth and the sparkle in his eyes as he said that and gave him a kiss.

“Didn't hear you complaining.”

Sebastian shook his head. He definitely wasn't.

“Well I'm pretty knackered too,” concurred Mark.

He was about to make a joke about being old, then changed his mind. Seb didn't make him feel old. He made him feel young, he made him feel alive.

“Have a bit of a rest maybe?” proposed Seb.

Mark nodded.

“I think that's a good idea darling.” He gave Seb a wink. “Save our strength.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded, and they lay back on the bed together, Seb partly across Mark and huddling in tight.

 

 

 

“It's getting dark,” noted Mark.

“Hmmm?”

Seb lifted his head and turned to look. The thin blinds were drawn, and without any lights switched on in the room it really was starting to get dim in here. He didn't want to think about this day slipping away from them, but they'd been lying there a while now, doing little more than appreciating the fact that they could be like this. He sat up and checked the time.

“Getting on for six,” Seb reported.

Mark sat up with him and put his arm around Sebastian to give him a squeeze. A thought occurred to Seb and he turned to Mark.

“Any idea where my phone is?”

“Your phone? Nope.”

“I should look, just in case.”

Mark nodded and the pair of them hunted through their discarded clothes to find their phones to check how many more missed calls and messages they had. Feeling a little sobered by this they set the phones to charge on the side.

Sebastian tried to work out the time difference and sighed.

“I should have called my family earlier. It's too late now.”

Mark gave him a little shake of his head.

“You called them yesterday didn't you?”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“So don't worry about it. You can call tomorrow. They just want to say well done again.”

“I guess.”

Seb picked up his phone and disconnected it so he could text replies, apologising for ignoring them and telling them he was fine, if a bit over-tired and promising he'd speak to them soon. He wasn't expecting to get anything from his parents seeing as it was into the early hours but his brother rang back.

 

Mark rolled his eyes as he saw who was calling, knowing Fabian simply couldn't leave it until a sensible hour. Seb picked up and put it on speaker.

“Fabe, I didn't mean to wake you.”

“No it's okay. Where've you been?”

Sebastian glanced at Mark as they sat together at the foot of the bed.

“Oh um, nowhere really, sorry. We just sort of lost today and I forgot about the time-difference.”

“Oh right. You're still in Austin aren't you?”

“Yep, we're still here.”

“Is Mark there?”

Mark smiled and spoke up.

“Hi Fabe.”

“Oh, hi Mark. I didn't realise I was on speaker. You alright?”

“Yeah all good mate. You?”

“Yeah great. You know you're all over the papers don't you?”

Sebastian and Mark looked at one another. They'd rather been avoiding such realities.

“Are we?” asked Seb. “Both of us?”

“Well mostly you, but Mark's in a lot of the pictures too.”

Mark _'hmmm'd'_ darkly, but Fabian piped up brightly.

“No good stuff. Everyone's being really nice about you for once.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh thinking it only took him nearly dying to get some kindness from the press.

“I guess that's okay then. Look you should go to sleep Fabe, it must be really late with you.”

“Oh, umm, spose.”

“I'll try and call again tomorrow. Tell Mum and Dad will you?”

“When?”

“Some point in the evening. The time stuff gets confusing,” Seb admitted.

 

They were currently looking at juggling keeping track of the time in Austin, São Paulo, Shanghai, Heppenheim, Canberra and home in England, on a weekend when, as if it couldn't get any more complicated, the hour changed for daylight saving rules in several of those locations. Both Mark and Sebastian had downloaded time calculating apps to their phones to try to help them, but it still got fairly tangled.

 

“Yeah alright. You'll still be in Austin then?” checked Fabian.

It suddenly hit Seb that _he_ would be, but Mark wouldn't by then.

“Seb?”

“Yeah, sorry, yeah I'll still be here. Mark's flight is tomorrow.”

Mark heard the tone of Sebastian's voice and put his arm around him. He didn't want to leave him either.

“Oh right, so you're both racing next weekend?”

“Yeah. Mark's in China, I'm in Brazil.”

“God, that's a bit crazy isn't it?” sympathised his brother.

“Yeah.”

Mark gave Sebastian a squeeze.

“Just for a few days,” intercepted Mark. “We'll be home in a week.”

Fabian nodded at his phone. They didn't sound too happy about having to be apart.

“Maybe you could come and see us when you're home?” he suggested hopefully.

Mark huffed a little laugh. Seb's little brother was always so keen to see them. He understood though, especially after everything. Mark knew how worried he had been this weekend. Seb's family must have been equally concerned. Sebastian looked to him and Mark nodded.

“Maybe at the weekend after,” agreed Seb.

“Really? That'd be great. I know you're busy, but...” Fabian paused, “it'd make Mum really happy to see you.”

 

Sebastian suddenly felt horribly guilty that he hadn't called his parents earlier. He'd been too wrapped up in Mark to give any thought to his family. He swallowed hard and Mark could see it had upset him.

“We'll see what we can work out,” intervened Mark.

“Yeah okay. Guess I should go.”

“Fabe, tell Mum I'm really sorry I didn't call earlier. I didn't mean to ignore you,” apologised Seb.

“It's okay. She just, you know, got a bit emotional yesterday that's all, but it's fine now. You really did do great Seb, we're all really proud of you.”

Sebastian's face was all tight and Mark rubbed his arm to comfort him.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thanks Fabe,” added in Mark, trying to help. “We'll see what we can do about popping over. Maybe leave it till we're home to sort it, yeah?”

“Yeah course. Only if you can. I know you guys are busy.”

“We'll try Fabe,” agreed Seb.

“'kay, well night then. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Have a safe journey Mark.”

“Thanks mate. Take care.”

“Night Fabe, and you'll tell Mum I'll call.”

“I will. Night.”

“Night.”

 

They hung up and Sebastian turned quickly to bury himself in Mark's shoulder, trying to stave off a threatening rush of tears. Mark rubbed his back.

“Hey, come on, it's okay.”

Sebastian put his arms around Mark to hang on to him for a moment before lifting his head to look at him.

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head. He'd thought for a moment that Seb might cry then, but he seemed to have held it off. Mark put his hand to the side of Seb's face and looked to make sure he was okay.

“You alright?”

“Yeah, sorry, just... Sorry, I'm alright.”

Mark gave him a little kiss and another hug. He almost wished they hadn't spoken to Fabian then, but that wasn't fair, and besides he knew Seb would have felt even more guilty if it had been longer before he spoke to any of his family after missing their calls.

Sebastian sat up. He hated the idea of his family worrying about him yet again. He shouldn't have left his phone on silent.

“I should have called them before. I didn't think.”

“Seb,” sighed Mark. “They're fine. It's all good now darling. Look, we'll go see them. Your mum just wants to give you a big hug well done and it'll be okay.”

“Yeah alright.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and then let it out. He looked at Mark and didn't want to say what else was bothering him now he had been reminded of it, but Mark knew without him saying. He took in a breath and looked at Seb.

“I could stay.”

Sebastian's eyes popped open in surprise.

“What? No way. Mark you've got a race.”

“Maybe I should stay with you. You're only just back.”

Seb shook his head.

“No Liebling, you have to race. You've missed too many already.”

“I don't care. If you need me to be with you...”

“No Mark, you're going. I'll be fine. It's okay now, the press will have calmed down...”

“Hmm.”

“They will. And we know I'm okay in the car.”

“Of course you are, but... I just don't like the idea of leaving you.”

Sebastian looked into his eyes.

“Me either.”

They both paused. This weekend was going to be hard and there was no getting away from it.

“It's just a few days,” tried Seb.

Mark nodded. He took in a deep breath. He didn't much like the idea of leaving his team in the lurch after he'd promised them he was coming back, but if Seb asked him to stay he wouldn't hesitate. He still wasn't sure whether there wasn't a part of him that _wanted_ Seb to ask him to stay. Mark knew he was going to struggle just as much as Seb would at being parted.

“You're sure?”

Seb nodded.

“Okay. It's just a few days. We'll get through it, then we'll be home again,” agreed Mark.

“Yeah.”

They gave each other slightly wry smiles. It was going to be hell and they both knew it.

“Right,” started Mark decisively, “come on, let's give my folks a shout then we can settle down with a film or something, what d'ya say?”

Sebastian nodded and they returned the calls to Mark's parents and Leanne, letting them say their congratulations and giving Seb the chance to say thank you for their support. Mark wished he could have found a way to text them first to warn them not to mention about them being separated for the following weekend as they inevitably did, leaving them both feeling a little weighed with the knowledge they had been ignoring so nicely until now.

 

As soon as they were done Seb went off to use the bathroom while Mark flicked through what was to offer on the hotel's film selection. He got a couple of bottles of water and waited for Seb to come back through.

Sebastian looked at himself in the mirror. He'd just splashed his face with cold water, trying to keep himself together. He didn't want to spoil what little time they had left together by getting worked up. It was just a few days apart, less than a week. He couldn't make Mark feel so guilty he considered not going racing when he had already given up so much to be with him to help him get better. Seb knew he had to toughen up. Maybe it was just because they had been together so much, only a few brief nights away from one another in more than six months now. No wonder it felt daunting to face being separated. It was just a few days, for Mark's sake, he'd tough it out.

Seb dried his face on a towel and set himself up to walk back through.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded and gave him a smile as he joined him sat on the bed. He glanced at the TV screen.

“What have you found then?”

Mark smiled back, glad to see Seb seemingly a little better.

“Well, there's a couple of thrillers, or...”

“Or?”

Mark indicated the listings on screen and smiled wider as Seb examined the list more closely.

“Yeah?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah.”

“I thought so too,” Mark agreed.

He passed Seb his bottle of water and they found a way to rest together, sitting at the end of the bed propping each other up. Seb leaned into Mark's side, his arms around Mark's middle and his head resting on Mark's shoulder while Mark kept his arm around him in turn.

Mark pressed play and leaned down to give Sebastian a kiss on the nose, pleased to see him looking cheered up. The music started and he grinned as a thought occurred to him.

“Imagine, poor team logistics having to sort the hotel bills and seeing all our dodgy pay-per-view habits.”

Sebastian chuckled with laughter against him and angled his head up to tease him back.

“Mm, _Finding Nemo._ You know I'm going to blame you right?”

Mark nodded.

“Sure, you go ahead darling.”

Sebastian snuggled in closer and they relaxed into watching it. They were still in their dressing gowns, having utterly failed to get dressed all day long.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following morning Mark woke at the crack of dawn and snuck out of bed without waking Seb so he could sort out everything he needed ready to leave so he would be all set to go. Originally he had planned to do this yesterday but it had slipped down his priority list which had consisted almost entirely of Seb and how they could make the most of each other. Once the film had finished they had got ready for bed, not caring in the slightest what the time was, then fallen back together once more, doing everything they could to wipe from their minds the idea that they would be parted all too soon.

It was all the sooner now. Even cutting it fine he'd have to leave at nine and the car was already booked to take him to the airport. Mark checked the time; only just gone seven am. He looked over to see Sebastian still fast asleep and opened his case to put a few things in there before carefully closing it again, checking his documents one last time, then feeling properly reassured, Mark pulled off the dressing gown he'd put on and slid back into bed. Mark leant on his elbow for a moment, looking down at Seb sleeping, curled up on his side facing away from him. He reached down and smoothed his hand over Seb's blonde hair.

“It's just a few days,” Mark whispered, then leant in to kiss Sebastian's temple before settling back down. His phone was set to its loudest alarm where it now charged on the other side of the room so it would be impossible to ignore. The previous alarm had merely been a buzz as it sat on the bedside table, Mark glad to find that it had been enough to wake him without disturbing Sebastian. He smiled to himself thinking it was a good job or later on would have been a panicky rush and that wasn't what Mark wanted his last moments with Seb to be like.

He settled back down in bed, shifting up to spoon into Sebastian's back, wrapping his arm around him and leaning his forehead into Seb's head. Mark wanted a little while longer of peace resting together, then hopefully Seb would wake up and they could take the last chance they had to be together properly before Mark was forced to leave him. He didn't want to go.

 

 

 

 

A horribly brief few hours later Mark and Sebastian were climbing out of the car at the airport. Seb insisting on carrying Mark's flight bag while Mark towed his case along to the check-in desk. They stood in line, not talking too much as they felt the tension building in them. Seb passed Mark his bag back as they reached the front of the queue and stepped to the side to let him check-in his luggage and sort everything out. Sebastian looked at the departures board and saw Mark's connecting flight listed as being on time. That was good. He wanted Mark here with him as long as possible, but he had such a long flight ahead of him, Seb couldn't wish delays on top of it.

Mark came over as soon as he was done.

“All alright?” checked Seb.

“Yep. All good.”

“You don't have to go right through do you?”

Sebastian new he sounded clingy but he couldn't help it. There had been a terrible desperate part of him that had wanted to tell Mark not to leave him this morning. Seb knew Mark knew it too. They'd held each other so tightly, hanging on like limpets to one another long after they had finished making love and knowing they ought to get up and shower. The only thing that had forced them to move was Mark's horrible alarm blaring out ever louder and louder on the other side of the room. Mark had given him a firm kiss then forced himself let go of Seb to go switch it off, wishing with all his heart that he could just open the window and throw it out.

Too soon, this had come around far too soon.

“No darling, not right away. I can stay this side of security for a bit yet now I'm checked in.”

Seb gave him a little smile tinged with relief at the temporary reprieve. Mark took his hand and they walked over to a quiet spot where they could sit together whilst keeping in sight of the information screens. Sebastian sat by his side and without saying anything, turned to wrap his arms around Mark's middle so he could hold onto him again, the side of his head on Mark's shoulder.

Mark put his arms round Seb in turn and held him in, resting his cheek on the top of Seb's head. He wanted to offer to stay again, even though he knew it would be rebuffed and he'd just checked his bag. Last time Mark had been in this airport it had been to rush back to Sebastian's side and now he was leaving him. It didn't feel right.

It didn't matter how many times they told themselves that it was just a few days, the closer it got the worse it felt. Monday felt like an eternity away. Mark was trying convince himself that now Sebastian had a good result under his belt he would be fine in the car and the press might actually lay off him. He couldn't let himself think about any problems happening. He was going to be so far away.

 

He didn't want to say it, but the next time Mark looked at the time he knew he had to.

“I've got to go.”

Seb closed his eyes at the heaviness in Mark's voice. He didn't want to let go of him. A terrible part of Sebastian felt on the verge of panic at the idea of being alone. Seb didn't know how he was supposed to walk into the next paddock without Mark holding his hand, without him there in the corner of the garage always supporting him. How was he supposed to go back to his little room and not have Mark there to help him feel better when there were problems? What was he meant to do when he went back to his hotel room and Mark wasn't there? Six whole nights alone, how was he meant to survive that?

He could feel his blood zinging round his veins and Seb knew he had to force calm on himself. He wasn't so selfish that he was going to make Mark feel bad about going. Seb knew it would be tough for him too. Mark would be alone just the same, no supporter in his garage, no hugs in his room, his hotel bed just as lonely.

 

Sebastian let go of him and stood with Mark. He tried to give Mark a smile, but Seb knew it didn't reach his eyes. Mark looked sadly at him, his hand cupping the side of Seb's face.

“You'll be okay,” he reassured.

Sebastian gave a tiny nod.

“I'll be fine. It's just a few days.”

“Yeah.”

“You'll be alright too won't you Liebling?”

“Yeah.”

Mark leaned in to kiss him, sliding his hand around to the back of Sebastian's head to keep him in place. As they parted for air he rested their foreheads together for another moment, struggling to break contact.

 

“You'll call me from Chicago?”

Sebastian tried and failed not to sound anxious as he asked Mark to remake the promise he had already made to call him while he switched flights onto the main leg to China.

“Of course I will. And when I get there. I should just catch you before you're back here tomorrow morning.”

Seb nodded. It seemed like such a long time, but it was a lengthy flight and then there was the time difference to factor in. They'd been through it all, trying to work it out. Mark ought to arrive early evening in Shanghai and if he called as soon as he got to his hotel that should be roughly seven am in Austin. The fact that crossing the dateline meant that it would be around eight pm Wednesday evening for Mark managed to scramble both their brains. Then Seb would be off to Brazil and the times would alter again. It was too much.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark shouldered his flight-bag, then gave Sebastian another hug, Seb fitting his arms around Mark's neck and lifting up to rest his cheek into Mark's before pressing a kiss there. Neither wanted to let go, but they had no choice.

Seb lowered back down.

“I'll see you soon.”

“Yeah, very soon,” agreed Mark. “And we'll be fine. I'll send you my schedule as soon as I have it and we'll work out when we can call.”

Seb nodded, trying not to let his feelings run away from him. Less than a week. They'd been parted for longer than this before. Maybe he was being silly about this?

Mark looked at Sebastian and knew he was battling to hold on. He couldn't decide whether it was good that Seb was being brave or whether he'd prefer him just to be honest. He did know one thing though; If Seb started crying, Mark knew there was no way he'd be getting on that flight.

 

Sebastian took in a breath and tried to smile again.

“You have to go Liebling.”

“Yeah.”

They were just making it worse by dragging it out. Mark dipped in and gave Seb a quick kiss, a last hug and then stepped away, looking towards the long wide corridor he had to head down to find the security check-points.

“I should get to Chicago about two-ish. I'll call you.”

“I know.”

“I love you.”

Seb gave him a stronger smile.

“Love you too. Speak soon.”

Mark stole a final kiss, then forced himself to walk away. He strode purposefully down the corridor, hoping he hadn't left too little time for any queues there might be. He told himself not to look back. It would only be harder if he looked back.

 

Sebastian stood watching Mark walking away feeling utterly bereft. He bit his lip, knowing he was being stupid. It was just a few days. He had to be a grown-up about this. He couldn't rely on Mark to get him through every single day of his life. He'd cope. He'd be fine.

He saw Mark getting further and further away, knowing he should go himself and he was only prolonging the agony, but Seb couldn't move. He stared at Mark's retreating figure, thinking; 'Please look back, please look back, _please,_ ' knowing how pathetically childish and needy it was and unable to stop himself.

 

Mark went to turn into where he could see the lines formed ready for security and gave in. He paused as he weakened and looked back, secretly hoping Seb wouldn't have already gone and smiling as he saw Sebastian still stood there at the edge of the main hall looking down at him. He gave Seb a wave and the sad little wave Mark got in reply nearly broke his heart. Seb already looked so far away. It took everything he had for Mark to stride on out of sight to join those queues and not sprint back to Sebastian.

It was just a few days.

 

Sebastian saw Mark disappear and swallowed hard. He stood there for another moment, looking at the empty corridor, knowing he was only torturing himself, then Seb turned back to the entrance and went to find the car waiting to take him back to the hotel. He wasn't going to cry.

It was just a few days.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian got back to the hotel and let himself back into their room. _His_ room. Just his now.

He walked in and immediately saw that while they had been gone the chambermaid had been in on her rounds. The room was tidied, the bed made. Sebastian stood by the side of the bed and far too late realised he had failed to think about this. All the bed linen had been changed. It wouldn't smell of Mark any more. He'd gone. Sebastian hadn't even thought to hide a pillow away in a cupboard so he could at least save that. Now he had nothing.

He felt so desolate, Seb broke down into tears and dropped fully dressed into the horrible starched laundry-smelling duvet and sobbed pathetically. He cried until he couldn't cry any longer and he was giving himself a headache. He hadn't even kicked off his shoes. Sebastian knew he was being childish but he felt abandoned. He lay sniffling miserably until Seb finally forced himself to sit and drank some water. Maybe he should find some paracetamol? Sebastian knew he'd brought this on himself and it was probably psychosomatic. He was just unhappy, probably not really ill. Seb drank a little more water and pushed away the dark thought that he actually had his proper painkillers tucked away. If he took them he might fall asleep and then Seb could escape this awful feeling of being so alone. But that was wrong. He couldn't do that.

Sebastian took a settling breath and decided paracetamol was okay. He did honestly feel he needed that much, so he dug around to look for them. He knew there hadn't been many left in the packet in his flight-bag, but there were more in his case, so Sebastian opened it up. Then stopped.

 

He knelt on the floor looking at the contents. On top there lay a largish brown padded envelope, then under that, crammed in so the lid could be closed, were not one, but two of Mark's hoodies; the grey one he'd had on the other day and another older RedBull one that Mark had worn in the garage on Sunday after the race. Sebastian placed the envelope to one side then scooped the hoodies up into his arms to hug them, burying his face and breathing them in. They smelt of Mark.

Seb hugged the soft fabric in, whispering; ' _thank you,_ ' and letting another couple of tears leak out. He didn't care if it was pathetic, he cared that Mark cared enough to have done this, to know that Seb would need a little bit of him to hold onto. Mark _knew_.

Seb sat up a little straighter and said 'thank you' again to the empty room. Then pulling himself together he found the paracetamol and took it with some water. He checked the time and knew Mark would be onboard his flight now, but took out his phone anyway wanting to send him a message. As he looked at it, Seb wondered why he hadn't used the period Mark would have been waiting for his flight to call him up and continue talking to him while he could, but maybe that would only have made Mark feel more guilty at leaving.

As he looked at his phone Sebastian saw a text waiting for him.

MARK: I'll call you as soon as I can in Chicago. Love you.

Seb knew it was too late, but he texted a reply anyway, grateful that at least it was only the short leg of Mark's journey so he would see it before too long.

SEB: Love you too. I looked in my case. Thank you. I love you so much.

 

He let out a sighed breath and set the phone down, knowing he wouldn't get a reply. Seb returned his attention to the sealed envelope he had carefully moved out of the way as he had grabbed up the hoodies. It was A4 sized and padded. Sebastian suspected there was more than one thing inside, but he couldn't be sure. On the front in bold handwriting was written:

_'Seb, open in Brazil.'_

Sebastian smiled and stroked his fingers over the familiar writing. He looked at the envelope, still trying to assess its contents, then turned it over and looked at the back, peering closer as he saw smaller writing at the top end by the seal.

 _'Oi, no. I said_ _ in Brazil _ _;)'_

Seb huffed an unexpected little laugh and shook his head. He felt better, exactly as Mark had intended. Seb kissed the seal of envelope, then as requested, put it back. He wanted to know what was included, but he wasn't going to go against Mark's wishes when he obviously had a plan. As he looked at the envelope Sebastian realised that in a way it didn't even matter what was in there. What mattered was that Mark had done this.

Oh god he missed him.

 

 

 

Mark sat on his flight heading over the middle of America. He hoped that Seb was okay. He'd looked so tragic when Mark had left him at the airport. Seb hadn't replied to his little text, but then Mark knew he'd left it rather late to send it before he got onboard. His phone was off now. Maybe there'd be a message waiting for him when he switched it back on at the other end?

He still couldn't decide if he was doing the right thing. A part of Mark was looking forward to getting back to racing and trying to make it up to the team for his absence. It felt like a very long time since he had last raced. But the rest of him was still caught up with how hard it was to be leaving Seb. Mark sighed. Six days, six nights. They stretched out ahead of him like a great cavernous black hole. He thought he'd be alright while he was busy working and hoped Seb would be the same, but Mark suspected neither one of them would do too well at other times.

 

 

 

Sebastian snatched up his phone the moment it rang. He had killed some of the intervening time dutifully calling his family and letting them congratulate him once more. He told them he was fine and Seb was glad that it wasn't quite the downright lie it would have been a couple of hours earlier. He'd been a little worried that his mother might get emotional and how that would affect him today, but thankfully it was just as Mark said and they simply needed to hear from him and have an opportunity to let him know how happy and proud of him they were, so that had kept his spirits up until now.

 

“Liebling.”

“Hello darling, how're you doing?”

“Yeah I'm okay. You?”

“Yeah just waiting on being called now.”

“Thank you so much, for what you left in my case. That was so kind Liebling. It really cheered me up.”

Mark smiled and sat back a little, stretching out his legs as he sat in the waiting area, one eye on the departures board.

“Good.”

“You're not going to be short of hoodies now are you?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“No I think I'll manage. Shame your stuff is too small for me or we could have done a swap.”

“Yeah.”

It struck Sebastian that it wasn't fair Mark got nothing in exchange. Mark gave him everything, pretty much literally the shirt off his back. Seb had to think what he could give back.

“What's in the envelope?” asked Seb curiously.

Mark chuckled.

“Now that would be telling. You have to save it for Brazil.”

“Okay.”

“It's just a little something, just a reminder.”

“Well it means a lot. You're so thoughtful Liebling.”

Mark shrugged.

“Don't get too excited, it's not much. Now then, what are you going to do with yourself for the rest of the day?”

Seb sighed. He couldn't think of anything worth doing on his own. Mark heard the sigh and didn't like it.

“Don't mope sweetheart. Try to keep busy. Is Lewis around maybe?”

“No he went straight back to L.A.”

“Oh, well Dan then?”

“I dunno. I'm not feeling very sociable. Maybe when I get there.”

“Okay.”

“Maybe I could go use the hotel gym. Have a swim.”

“That's a good idea.”

“I spoke to my family.”

“Ah right and they're okay?”

“Yeah. Still pretty worked up about it all, but yeah they're okay. I feel better for talking to my parents and I had a quick word with my sisters too. I think they're pretty keen for us to go over if we can when we're back.”

“Yeah alright.”

“You don't mind?”

“Course not.”

“We could just go over for Sunday lunch, get back and forth in a day.”

Mark shook his head at Sebastian trying not to ask too much of him.

“We don't need to rush, we've got time. We could go for Saturday afternoon, stay over. I'm sure your family would like to see you and know you're well now.”

“Yeah. I think I'd quite like to see them too.”

“Of course you would. Sure, that's no problem sweetheart. We'll sort it out when we're home.”

Sebastian sighed. It was a nice idea to see his family and reassure them in person that he was fine now. Mark was so good. He made everything easier and never put himself first, even though that was the only weekend they had home before Mark had to go off and race again and Seb the weekend after.

 

“Thank you Liebling. You're so good. I do appreciate it you know.”

Mark wondered what to say. It was nice to be appreciated, but the fact was, doing anything other than everything he could for Seb simply wasn't an option.

“No biggie. Alright I'd better go, my flight's up.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian felt sad again, knowing they wouldn't be able to speak again for so long.

“I'll ring as soon as I can, alright darling.”

Sebastian nodded. He wasn't going to cry. He had to toughen up if he was going to get through the next few days.

“Yeah.”

“You'll be okay?”

“Yeah.” Seb took in a settling breath. “I'll be alright. You will too.”

“Course.”

“Okay. Love you. Have a safe flight.”

“Love you too. Think I'll try and sleep through it.”

“Good idea. Bye then Liebling.”

“Bye darling, take care.”

 

Mark hung up and stretched his neck from side to side, not looking forward to being cramped on a flight. He thought Seb sounded rather more cheerful than he'd feared. His little tricks might have helped as he'd hoped. That helped him feel better about heading on now.

He made his way until Mark was settled in his seat for the duration of the flight. As soon as he was able, he put his headphones on and closed his eyes, drifting away from the reality around him to a better place. His arms missed holding Seb, they felt empty without him. In his mind Mark saw Seb's eyes as they'd looked up at him this morning, the pupils blown wide as he gave himself up to Mark once again in that perfect moment of union. He thought about how difficult it had been to force themselves to get out of bed and get ready to leave, how they'd been together in the shower, stealing every last moment to be as close as they could for as long as they could. How painful it had been to leave him.

Mark sighed heavily. That memory of the last time they had been together was going to have to last him an awful long time until they were back home again. Six nights apart was going to be a hell of a lot tougher to endure than the six days.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian decided he should take Mark's advice and not allow himself to mope around the room all afternoon. He changed into his gym kit and found his swimming trunks and towel so he could go for a nice long swim after, knowing how that always made him feel better. Seb was just about to head down when he thought again how considerate Mark was and how he found a way to help, even when he couldn't be with him. Seb wished there was more he could do for Mark to repay him.

An idea occurred to him and he rifled in the narrow drawer tucked under the desk/dressing table over near the window and found what he had hoped for; paper, pens envelopes, all stashed there ready for if a guest needed to do something as old-fashioned as write a letter.

Seb smiled and nodded to himself, then went over to the hotel phone and rang down to reception.

“Hi, I was wondering if you could help me out?”

“Of course sir, what can I do for you?”

“Could you tell me who I might be able to speak to about getting something posted?”

“Posted?”

“Oh I mean mailed. I need to send something internationally.”

“Ah I see sir, of course. What was it you wanted to send?”

“Just an envelope.”

“Then that's fine. I can fix that for you.”

“Really? That's great. I was thinking FedEx or UPS, whatever, whoever can get it there fastest. I don't care how much it costs.”

“I'll look into it for you sir. I presume you have the address?”

Seb nodded, glad that he knew which hotel Mark would be staying at in Shanghai. It was easy seeing as it was the same as here.

“Yes. It's actually the Four Seasons in Shanghai, China. I don't know which room number, but they'd get it to him wouldn't they?”

“Oh in that case I can make sure of it. I'll call them to let them know to pass it on.”

“Really? That's fantastic. Thank you. I'll be down in a bit. Oh sorry I've not even said, my name's Vettel, I'm in room 446.”

“Yes sir.”

The desk clerk smiled. He'd known who he was speaking to seeing as his phone automatically displayed the room number.

“My name is Wendell. I'm on the desk downstairs in the lobby, so just drop it off with me and I'll get that done right away for you.”

“Great.”

 

Sebastian smiled to himself, pleased at getting this sorted out. He went back over to the desk and set the paper in front of him, staring out of the window for a while as he tried to compose what he wanted to say. It took several attempts and Seb knew he hadn't even got close to really expressing how he felt, but he hoped that just as he appreciated the gesture above all else when Mark did this kind of thing, Mark would feel the same way.

He picked up his mobile phone and connected to the hotel wifi so he could find the address of the hotel in Shanghai and carefully wrote it on the envelope. He folded the letter to fit inside, then paused and picked up an extra blank sheet of paper and folded that in half too. Very carefully Seb tore around and down, opening it back out to check it was the properly shape of a heart, then decided it wasn't neat enough so re-folded it and had another go, making it smaller but more perfect. It sat on the desk in front of him, now the size of his palm. Sebastian smiled. He didn't care if it was the kind of thing a silly lovestruck teenage girl might do, Seb was certain Mark wouldn't think it silly. He picked up the pen again and wrote in his neatest handwriting crossing the centre of the fold.

_My heart in your hands._

_Always._

Seb shook his head. Okay it was silly, but he still didn't care. He carefully refolded the heart, slotted it into the note and fitted it all into the envelope, sealing it and drawing a kiss over the seal.

He sat back and smiled, then shook himself out of it and went down to the front desk.

 

“Thank you. I really appreciate your help.”

The desk clerk smiled.

“Not a problem sir. I'll arrange a pick-up and they estimate twenty-four hour delivery.”

“Brilliant, and you can let the hotel there know to get it to him?”

“Absolutely. That's the advantage of a chain.”

Sebastian beamed at him, feeling so much better to have done something positive.

“Great. Thank you so much.”

He went to pass over the letter, then hesitated, wondering how to tell the man to take extra care with it.

“This, umm, it's... important.”

“The contents are valuable?”

“They are to me and well, hopefully the recipient too.”

“Of course. I'll look after it.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

 

Seb walked away wondering what the hotel worker would think of him strange for being so antsy about a little letter. Still, at least he was sorting it out for him. Seb tried to work out what time it would be delivered; Thursday morning probably by his reckoning. Sebastian smiled, thinking it should be just in time to set Mark up for the weekend. It felt good to know he wasn't just _taking_ from Mark, but giving something in return. It made him feel more capable, more in control.

He smiled to himself and headed off to find the gym. He was going to work up a real sweat to wear himself out, then take a nice soothing swim to cool down not just his body but his mind. Then back to his room to pack up everything ready and with any luck Seb thought he should be tired enough to get a decent night's sleep even if he was on his own. Mark would call in the morning and before he knew it Seb would be on the flight out of here. On to Brazil and his next challenge. It was just a few days and they would be back together again. He could do this.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and also congratulations to RL Seb, not just for his excellent 2nd place at Monza but his news (that he is keeping very close to his chest) that his has a second baby girl! How on earth he keeps that kinda secret in the gossipy F1 paddock is a complete mystery to me, but there you go. Watching a snatched moment with his boss on the coverage yesterday it sounded as though he was saying her name is Martina, so that's nice, even if he won't talk to the media to try to protect his family's privacy. Funnily enough it's very close to a character name that crops up in some later chapters that are already half completed (Matilda, actually) but that's a way off yet in this timeline. Bit of a spoiler alert there, but I shan't say who she is or how she crops up in this story! ;)
> 
> Not sure how quickly more updates will come as RL is getting very busy at the moment, but I'll do my best as there's stuff I've really got to get to...


	102. Sealed With A Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So parted they must be, how will they find ways to cope?

* * *

 

 

 

Sebastian stretched out on the seat trying to get comfortable. He wished it was a shorter flight and he could just be there already. Today had been an early start and he was feeling it now despite managing to get a better night's sleep than he had been expecting to. Seb didn't really want to admit it to anyone but he was tired. All the exertions of racing and the day off afterwards, plus the stress of getting through all the dramas in Austin was piling in now. Seb really hoped that he could sleep most of the way to try to recover before it all started up again for the following weekend.

He was sat next to Dan which was fine, but it meant he'd spent the first half-hour of the flight politely chatting. His team-mate meant well, but Dan's incessant cheeriness was a little too much right now. He didn't want to be rude, but Sebastian shuffled down to indicate that he wanted to get some rest and pulled the hood part of the hoody he was wearing round and up so he could lean into it as he rested his head by the little window and Dan got the message and left off trying to talk.

Seb closed his eyes and did his best to shut out all the activity around him. It was such a contrast to his flight out here with just him and Mark tucked away nicely together on Lewis' plane. This place felt like the zoo by comparison, with all the team piled on apart from the advance crew who had gone on ahead ready to set up for the race at the next track. All of them plus the rest of the regular travellers meant it was a busy flight. There was a rumble of chatter and people moving about to use the tiny bathroom as well as the stewards going about their work. Hard as he tried, Sebastian couldn't shut it all out. He sighed and stared out of the little window for a while, looking at the clouds and blue sky visible beyond the edge of the wing beside him. He could watch a film, but Seb didn't much feel like it.

He could feel a headache building, right behind his forehead. Tiredness, irritability, and Sebastian had to admit, the fact that he was just a little bit miserable to be on his own, was all piling up, adding to the fact that flying still wasn't great for him apparently. Seb was sure he could actually feel the pressure in his skull and it was getting worse. He tried taking slower deeper breaths to get more oxygen into his brain, but somehow the fact the air in here was recycled meant that it didn't have quite the effect Sebastian was hoping for. It wasn't going away and Seb knew there was no merit in trying to stubbornly tough it out.

He turned to Dan by his elbow.

“Sorry, could I just?”

Daniel looked up from the film he was putting on and pulled off the earphones.

“Hmm? What was that mate?”

“I just want to get something out of my bag,” explained Sebastian.

“Oh right, sure.”

Dan got up and stood in the aisle to allow Seb to shuffle out so he could reach up to open the overhead locker to get his bag out. He stood rummaging around in it, feeling self-conscious as he was sure people were watching him. Seb frowned, wondering where the hell the packet of paracetamol had got to.

“Alright?” checked Daniel.

“Mm, sorry, won't be a sec.”

He reached in deeper and finally got his hand on the little cardboard box, pulling it out before shoving the bag back up and retaking his seat. He popped out the pills from the silver foil and swallowed them down with a swig of water from his bottle he'd kept at his seat. Seb glanced to his side and saw Dan frowning.

“You okay?”

Sebastian gave a shrug.

“I'm fine.”

“Are you not feeling well?”

“It's nothing.”

Daniel sat back and Seb let out a breath, realising he'd snapped at him when Dan was only showing concern.

“Sorry. I've just got a headache. It'll pass.”

Daniel nodded and left him to it. Seb settled himself back in and tried again at shutting down without much luck. He stared at the clouds for a while, hoping they might hypnotise him. When that failed he closed his eyes and tried to think back to the conversation he'd had with Mark this morning. He tried to hear his voice, low and soothing. They hadn't exchanged anything consequential, just reassurances that they were each doing okay, that Mark's flight had gone smoothly and he was now at the hotel while Seb was about to do the reverse.

A hint of a smile ghosted his lips as Sebastian thought about how Mark had made him laugh talking about how fried his head was with the time changes. It probably wouldn't amuse anyone else, but just the way Mark put things made Seb happy, the tone of his voice. Seb nearly always closed his eyes while talking to Mark so he could try to fool himself into believing he was right there with him and it usually helped for a bit, even if it did hurt all the more when they finally ended the conversation and Sebastian reopened his eyes to find himself alone.

 

Several hours later Sebastian was still awake. His head now felt as though a reasonably large boulder was resting on it. He checked his watched and judged long enough had passed, so Seb fished the little cardboard packet out from his pocket and took another dose of paracetamol. If he could just sleep he'd feel better, but the very fact he felt unwell was stopping Seb from relaxing enough to drop off. He wished it was Mark in the next seat, not Dan. He closed his eyes again and tried to imagine that; Mark would lift the little dividing arm blocking them and Seb could lean in as Mark put his arm around him, then Sebastian could rest his head on Mark's chest and he would feel so much better, just as he always did.

With this idea in his head Seb thought he managed to drift for a bit, but full sleep seemed beyond him. It wasn't all that surprising really seeing as it was the middle of the day. It seemed his bodyclock was winning the fight against the level of tiredness he felt. Seb pulled out his phone and distracted himself by scrolling through some of Mark's text messages. He had a couple from this morning, just little things they'd knocked back and forth while Mark settled down for the night in his new hotel room and Seb waited to board his flight, but Seb kept plenty of older ones too, unable to delete any that contained the words 'I love you' or any variation on that. He hoped Dan couldn't see what he was reading.

 

Seb checked the time; four hours passed, so it was okay, he could take some more now. Sebastian swallowed down the paracetamol, wondering whether it wouldn't have been simpler to take the 'real' painkillers and then he might have slept through it, but they would be too much on top of what he had taken already now. He settled back and shuffled a little more onto his side as Daniel got up to go and use the loo.

 

A few minutes later Dan re-took his seat. Seb heard it but he didn't turn until he heard a voice. Not Daniel's but Christian.

“Seb are you okay?”

Sebastian sat up and caught Dan looking sheepish by his side. He looked like a kid who had been caught telling the teacher and that was precisely how Seb felt; as if he'd been snitched on.

“I'm fine.”

Christian was stood in aisle, leaning on the back of the seat in front so he could peer over. Daniel had just swung by, dipping down by his boss's seat to have a quiet word to tell him he was worried that he'd just clocked Seb taking a third dose of drugs.

Sebastian saw the way his boss was looking at him.

“It's just a headache.”

“For eight hours?”

Sebastian sighed.

“It's the air-pressure. It's no big deal. I'll be fine when we land.”

Christian looked unconvinced.

“Doc's at the back. I think maybe...”

“No,” interrupted Seb.

He looked up at him appealingly.

“Really I'll be okay. It's just flying. I don't want a fuss.”

Christian pursed his mouth, clearly wanting to say more, then he sighed.

“If you're sure.”

“I am.”

“Okay, but if it gets worse, or you don't feel better at the hotel.”

“I'll go see him,” agreed Sebastian.

Christian was still looking unconvinced.

“I promise, okay?” Seb vowed.

His boss nodded, hesitating another moment before reluctantly walking away.

 

Sebastian turned slightly to Dan who looked awkwardly back at him.

“I'm sorry. I was worried.”

Seb huffed out a breath, wanting to say Daniel was interfering when it wasn't his business, but he knew that he ought to be grateful Dan cared enough to pay attention. He'd been through too much of his life where those around him hadn't to reject it now.

“Yeah okay.”

“I know was being a sticky-beak, I just...”

Seb gave a little shake of his head.

“No it's okay. Sorry, I'm not in a great mood. I'll really be okay when we land. I had this on the way out.”

“On the flight to Austin?”

“Yeah, but I was okay after. It really is the air-pressure. When you've had concussion, it just gets you for a while after. There's nothing I can really do about it.”

“Right. Other than not flying obviously.”

Sebastian shrugged up a shoulder.

“Hell of a long walk to Brazil.”

Daniel started laughing and gave Sebastian a nod.

“Yeah fair enough mate. Okay.”

 

Dan went back to watching his film. He felt bad Christian had so obviously rushed over the minute he'd mentioned his concerns to him, but he still thought it was right to have done so. Popping that many pills didn't seem right to him. Dan hoped it really was only a flying thing and his team-mate hadn't been like this all the time when they'd been in Austin. Then again all the docs that had passed him as fit surely had to know what they were doing. He supposed he'd never had a severe concussion to really know anything about it, but then Dan was pretty clear that he'd happily never be in that position. At least he'd said something, better that than anything bad happening and ending up feeling guilty about it.

Seb shuffled back onto his side and closed his eyes again, trying not to let himself feel too annoyed about the intrusion. He just needed this dose to kick in to give him some relief, then in the next hour or so they'd be coming into land and he'd be alright again.

 

Christian didn't want to put Sebastian's back up by going against his wishes, but he couldn't stop himself heading to the rear of the plane and grabbing a word with the team doctor who assured him that unfortunately it wasn't unusual to get air-pressure related headaches in such cases, promising he'd keep a weather eye on Seb. Christian thanked him and made his way back to his seat, passing his drivers once again. Dan seemed absorbed in some film, smiling to himself at whatever he was watching. Seb was curled on his side with his eyes closed. Christian sighed and hoped he might get some sleep.

Of course it was naïve to imagine that one race meant Seb was completely fine after all that had been through. He'd have to keep an eye on him as well. He took one last look then went to sit back down, reflecting that it really was a shame Mark wasn't still here. He'd clocked the RedBull hoody Seb was wrapped up in; too large, some logos missing, a little faded. He was wearing one of Mark's again. Christian smiled, thinking how sweet it was Seb did that and wondering if anyone else even noticed. He hoped it made him feel better. Christian only hoped that this weekend would be simpler for him to deal with on his own than the past one had been.

 

He sat back down beside Britta who looked up from her laptop.

“Is he alright?” she asked quietly.

Christian shrugged one shoulder.

“Not great I suspect. He says it's just a headache and he'll be okay.”

Britta gave him a look. They both knew what Sebastian was like for saying he was 'okay'.

“I dunno. Doc says it's not unusual due to the air-pressure.”

“Yeah. I'll keep an eye on him,” promised Britta.

Christian nodded, thinking Sebastian was going to find everyone watching him at this rate. He wondered whether he realised they did that so much these days. Perhaps it was them trying to make up for how they had failed to do that before.

He settled back in his seat as Britta beside him continued to scan through all the media coverage following the race weekend so she was prepared for this coming one. The amount devoted to Seb certainly out-weighed that of anyone else, pushing the race winner off the front pages as they celebrated his impressive return to racing. Christian had to confess it had been better than he had expected. He had said as much in the interviews he'd done following the race. He'd tried to make a point of including Dan's result and saying how the team had had a good weekend, but there was no point denying the truth. Seb's return to racing was emotional for all of them and Christian knew that emotion had bubbled close to the surface in a few of the interviews he had given in the immediate aftermath.

 

Christian had sat having coffee with Martin yesterday afternoon, partly because he was good company, but also because he was always useful for gaining a little intelligence on things from the media's perspective. The former racer's insight was also handy because he understood the view from both sides of the fence. Martin had chimed with Christian's thoughts that Seb had adapted remarkably quickly to returning to the fray, recalling what Sebastian had told him in his interview.

“You know I think what surprised me most was how Seb said he'd struggled with a physical recovery. I have to admit I'd not considered that.”

Christian sipped his coffee and nodded.

“I mean eight weeks is hardly any time at all to come back from that,” added Martin.

“It wasn't even that really,” noted Christian.

“Hm?”

“It was eight weeks from the accident. He was in hospital for a week after that remember.”

“Right,” nodded Martin. He gave Christian a look and risked asking more. “He really had to re-learn to walk?”

Christian paused.

“Off the record?”

“Course.”

“Pretty much, yeah. He left hospital in a wheelchair.”

Martin stared, his coffee cup paused mid-way to his mouth.

“You're kidding?”

“Nope. Fraid not.”

“He didn't mention that,” pointed out Martin.

Christian gave a little tip of his head.

“I'm not sure he remembers it. He doesn't seem to have a lot from that period.”

“No, guess not.”

“It was a pretty rough time. To be honest I'm not surprised Seb doesn't want to remember it.”

“That's an incredibly steep curve to get back then?” noted Martin in amazement.

Christian huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah that was what I was trying to say when I spoke to you guys on Sunday. People under-estimate Seb. They always have. He had to work incredibly hard, for everything he's done really, but this..? Honestly, just between you and me, I never thought he'd make it here. I mean once he was getting better I was pretty sure he'd be back racing, but not this fast.”

Martin smiled.

“Determination of a champion.”

“Well yeah. People say that sort of thing, but they don't realise what it means. I mean we gave him space for a bit when he got out of hospital. I didn't want to put any pressure on him, so I kindof left Seb in his family's care, the docs too of course, but just home with Mark mostly. I didn't see him too much then, but Doc Phillips told me one of Seb's first questions when he saw him was how soon he could come back.”

Martin laughed and shook his head and Christian nodded.

“Yeah I don't know why I'm really surprised by that, but I guess that is how he did it; as soon as he could Seb was in the factory again, in the gym, doing sim work, every day...”

“Paid off,” agreed Martin.

“Mm, yeah.”

“So now it's just back to normal?”

Christian took a sip of his drink as he thought about that. 'Normal' didn't seem to be something they got much of at the best of times. He looked Martin in the eye.

“I'm not sure I'd go that far.”

“Oh?”

Christian shrugged.

“I'm not sure you can ever really go back to how things were. Some things... I don't know, they change you. Not just Seb, but all of us, to go through that.”

He took in a deep breath and let it out.

“We very nearly lost him you know.”

Martin nodded soberly. That afternoon in Monza had been a very difficult one, even for those who were only transmitting it to the people at home. The responsibility weighed heavily to convey what was happening, but it was hard when you knew how serious it was and how desperate the public were for information, not to allow speculation to take over. They'd signed off that afternoon unable to say any more than that things were very serious, but they hoped for the best, when the truth was they feared the worst.

 

Christian knew he'd had some iffy moments when he'd reminded those interviewing him of that fact after the race on Sunday. He hadn't watched any of it back. Mostly he didn't want to know, but Britta had reassured him that there was nothing wrong with being honest with people, even if the unvarnished truth was a rare occurrence in the paddock.

He looked at Martin and told him something he hadn't revealed to the rest, feeling a strange compulsion to make him really understand.

“Not just at the track... later at the hospital, I mean it was bad enough waiting to see if he'd wake up out of the coma, but when he did...”

Christian let out a sigh, knowing he shouldn't really be saying this, but the urge to talk about it was too much to repress.

“He was going into shock, scared the hell out of us.”

“I didn't realise.”

“No well... I'm not sure I properly understood what was going on, but I know it scared the doctors too.”

“Never a good sign,” noted Martin grimly.

“No.”

“He pulled through it though.”

“Yeah.”

Martin puffed out a breath.

“Must have been awful to go through that.”

Christian huffed a dry laugh.

“Far worse for his family. Mark... I mean he literally never left his side. What Mark's been through, I honestly don't know how he's still standing.”

Martin nodded.

“He was very defensive of Seb when we spoke to him.”

“Well of course he is.”

Martin took a sip of his drink as he thought about things.

“Is it weird for you, to see them like that these days?”

Christian gave a shake of his head.

“You know what? It really isn't anymore. What's weird is to think about how they used to be.”

“All that squabbling.”

Christian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. I must have been blind.”

He nodded more seriously and repeated almost unconsciously, “I was blind.”

He took in a deep breath and shook it off, not wanting to go any further down that route, knowing he couldn't tell Martin about all the other things he had missed from that period.

Christian thought about how much he'd revealed.

“You won't repeat any of this will you?”

“No of course not.”

Martin was the repository of many confidences in F1. It was how he navigated that world and managed to cross the boundaries into teams. They had to know they could trust him.

“Thanks. Sorry for sounding paranoid, but you know how it is.”

“I do.”

Christian gave him a smile.

“Yeah. So anyway, back to normal? No not really, but we go on.”

“And on and on,” smiled Martin.

Christian huffed a laugh.

“True. God, I can't wait for the break.”

“Me neither.”

 

Christian rested his head back in his flight-seat now and closed his eyes. Just two more races and the season would be done. They just had to get through it and frankly this year, he'd count that as a victory on its own.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark arrived at the Porsche base at the track on the Thursday morning and took a bit of time on his own in his room to gather himself. He checked his phone and was trying to work out if Seb would be in São Paulo yet when a text came through telling him that they'd landed and promising to call as soon as Seb got to the hotel. Mark smiled and texted back, letting Seb know he had about an hour until he was due in the first of the planning meetings. It was going to be a bit of a nightmare trying to work out where their schedules allowed them both to be free seeing as they were now running eleven hours different and essentially operating at opposite ends of the day. He sent Sebastian what information he had so far to work around.

He sat back on the little bed and thought about the weekend. Mark was looking forward to getting back to racing and working with the team again. So far he'd really only seen Andreas to check in, then Jenson had come around to say hello while Mark unpacked. That had been nice even if JB had lounged around on the bed getting in the way. His friend had been full of praise for how Sebastian had done in Austin, as well as sympathising with how much trouble they'd had to get past. It was good to have support there, but it wasn't quite the support Mark would really like.

Mark sighed out. He had to push that from his mind. He couldn't spend all his time thinking of Seb, worrying about him and missing him. Not if he was going to do the job he needed to. Mark knew he had to focus on the positives. It was going to be good to be back in the collaborative atmosphere of the team, to get a chance to test himself and lose himself in the task of racing after months of stress. Selfishly he could actually focus on himself for a bit, at least when he was working. When he was away from that Mark knew he would be doing exactly what he was now, which was hanging onto his mobile phone, hoping it would ring.

 

A little while later Mark got his wish and his phone burst into life.

“Hello darling.”

Eighteen and a half thousand miles away Sebastian's face split into the first real smile he'd worn all day.

“Hey.”

“You okay?”

“Mm, yeah tired.”

Mark looked at his watch to check the time, nearly ten in the morning here meant eleven at night for Seb.

“Your flight was okay?”

There was a pause.

“Seb?”

“Mm, just... yeah just long you know?”

Seb was trying to avoid making Mark worry about him, but Mark could tell all too easily when Sebastian was missing things out. He frowned.

“What is it?”

“Nothing really Liebling, just... I guess I'm still not great with flying.”

“Oh.”

Damn, thought Mark. He'd forgotten about that. He hated to think of Seb suffering through the flight as he had going over the Atlantic.

“It's just the air-pressure.”

“Yeah. You're okay now though?”

“Yeah I'm just tired. I'm gonna crawl into bed and sleep. I don't need to be at the track until later on tomorrow.”

“Oh well that's good. Britta letting you off?”

“Well I don't have the press conference this time, so she's just set up some group interviews to power through and then I can spend the rest of the time with the team.”

“Ah right, well that sounds better.”

“Yeah. So you all set then?”

“Yep.”

“I'm running almost a day ahead of you. I've basically got your tomorrow coming up now,” Mark pointed out.

“I guess I'd better let you go then.”

“Yeah.”

Mark smiled ruefully.

“You do sound tired sweetheart.”

“Mm, yeah. I've not even unpacked. I'm just gonna do it in the morning.”

“Yeah, get some kip then.”

“Yeah. Okay, well I hope you have a good day. Say hi to Jense for me.”

“Will do.”

“I've not got my full schedule yet, but I should be fine before midday if you call me then.”

“You can talk me to sleep.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Am I that boring?”

“No darling, nice, just nice.”

Sebastian was reminded once more how far away they were. He was glad in a way that he was so tired, otherwise Seb knew he might end up lying here concentrating on how sad he was that Mark wasn't lying next to him instead of getting the rest he needed.

“You too.”

They both paused for a moment, neither wishing to say how much they missed one another for fear of only making it worse.

 

Mark took a deep breath.

“Right, I've really got to go. I've got a bunch of meetings now.”

“Course. Alright well I'll speak to you... later? Do we say later?”

Mark smiled.

“I think we do. It is for me anyway, tomorrow for you.”

“Yeah. God my head is done.”

“Sleep then darling. I'll talk to you soon.”

Soon was good. As good as it got right now anyway.

“Okay, bye then Liebling, love you.”

“Love you too. Night.”

Seb smiled.

“Have a good day.”

“Yeah. Okay, later then.”

“Later.”

 

They both hung up. Mark closed his eyes for a moment and realised too late they'd forgotten to do their little virtual hug. He nearly rang back, but he was going to be late at this rate. He shook it off and switched his phone to silent before striding to his meeting, hoping that Seb would be swiftly off to sleep while he worked.

Mark walked into the area outside where they were meeting and saw his team-mates for the first time. He was just about to apologise for having left them in the lurch for so long when one then the other launched themselves into him with hugs, telling Mark how glad they were he was back, asking after Sebastian and saying how impressed they were with how he had done in the grand prix.

Mark smiled and remembered how glad he was he was a part of this team. When he told people he didn't miss being in F1 he knew plenty struggled to believe him, but Mark was entirely honest. The atmosphere was so different, and although what had happened with the accident had been a terrible strain on his career, Mark did at last feel as though the upper levels of the team finally understood what his relationship meant to him and were getting better at how they treated him. It shouldn't have taken this happening to achieve that, but he finally felt more comfortable and accepted for all of who he was, not just the racer.

“I'm just glad to be back,” he admitted as they chatted about how things had been.

“So is Seb here?” asked Brendon.

“Oh no he's got another race. He's in Brazil.”

“You're kidding?”

“Nope, fraid not. Anyway it's fine, we're both busy this weekend.”

The rest of the team were arriving and Mark spoke to Jenson again until their boss appeared and they went through. Mark was just going to concentrate on work. Seb would be fine, he would be sleeping now. Just four more nights and they would be back together.

 

 

 

When Sebastian woke next morning the first thing that crossed his mind was not to wonder where he was, but where Mark was. It took a few seconds to remember, then Seb sighed out as he understood he was alone and why. Sebastian forced himself to sit up and looked around to re-familiarise himself with his surroundings; a dull, uniform hotel room. In all honesty it could be Singapore or Hungary, they all looked much the same. He puffed out a breath and scrubbed a hand through his messy hair before dragging himself to the bathroom. It was earlier than he needed to get up, but now he was awake Seb knew he needed to do something or he'd only sulk in bed, letting himself get depressed about being on his own. He couldn't afford to do that. He needed to keep busy, so he'd go to the gym, have breakfast and set himself up for the day.

He came back through from the bathroom and went to dig through his case for his gym stuff when Seb came across the envelope Mark had left him. He'd been so tired last night that all Seb had done was use the toothbrush from his flight bag before piling into bed, but now he saw it sat there on top of everything else.

_Open in Brazil._

Well now he was in Brazil, so he could open it, couldn't he? Sebastian went to do just that when he paused. Maybe he should save it? At least until a bit later. Yes he should do that. Seb put it carefully to one side and got his things ready to change. He'd keep this for after, something to look forward to.

 

 

An hour later Sebastian sat on his bed holding the large envelope in his hand. He was already changed into his team gear ready to head down to the track, but there was still over an hour spare so there was no rush. Seb stared at the envelope, wondering what could be inside and hoping he wasn't building it up too much. He took a deep breath and reminded himself that it didn't matter what was inside, what mattered was that Mark cared enough to do something for him.

Sebastian teased open the corner of the flap not wanting to tear it. Maybe that was silly when it was merely an ordinary envelope, but Sebastian didn't care, it was special to him. He smiled at the teasing message written by the seal and slowly prised it open, pausing before he looked inside, then carefully he tipped the contents onto the bed beside him.

There was another smaller envelope, flat and unsealed, Seb presumed it was a note. Beside it lay a little book. Sebastian stared at it for a moment before picking it up and looking at it more closely, his mouth falling open.

“Oh my god,” he whispered to himself.

The picture book, the penguin and the boy. His book. The book Mark had hunted down and bought him. Sebastian had forgotten all about it, but now he remembered. He turned the pages, smiling to himself as he recognised the beautiful illustrations and the story that reminded himself so much of his own. Sebastian looked at the picture towards the end, the one he'd given Mark as his birthday card; the hug. Seb closed his eyes and imagined that hug, how tightly he wanted to squeeze Mark right now.

After a moment Seb reopened his eyes and looked through the miniature book again. He wondered where it had been all this time. He must have left it somewhere before they went out to Italy and then, well, then after the accident such small matters were lost. He shut the book again and smoothed his hand over the cover before putting it back down and picking up the smaller envelope and pulling out the paper inside. It was a note, a letter really. Mark's bold handwriting, like himself, confident, distinct and clear. Sebastian read it through, trying not to race ahead, but make himself take his time.

He only got a few sentences in before Seb felt himself on the brink of tears. He treasured the letter Mark had written him for Silverstone all that time ago, but that letter had only hinted at how Mark really felt about him, long before he could tell him. Here as the words went on, Mark said it outright;

 

 _That day in Italy, sometimes I've thought it was the worst day of my life and wished I could forget it, but now I think about it I know I should value it as the luckiest day I've ever had, because my darling I could have lost you, but I_ _ didn't. _ _I didn't lose you because that couldn't happen, you're too strong, I should have known you never give up._

_Your heart is far too powerful for that. Everything you've been through, I know you don't think it sometimes sweetheart, but it has made you stronger. I know you can survive anything, no matter how bad it seems at the time, and because you can, I can. I am stronger for being with you, I am a better person for being with you. I was closed off, shut down, growing cold inside and now because of you I feel only warmth. I see the world through new eyes and that is all thanks to you Seb._

_I'm not sure you appreciate just what you do for me and how much you have changed my life. You don't value yourself enough sweetheart, you see weakness where I see only strength. Your resilience, your courage, your kindness, your ability to make me laugh like no one ever has before. I know you worry about showing too much emotion, but you shouldn't. I love that you don't hide that with me. I consider it a privilege that you are honest with me as with no one else, that I should have the gift of knowing you, the real you. Don't ever feel you have to change that, not one bit of it. Just be the real you, because that's the person I love, that's the person that opened me up to the world and showed me I could love and be loved in a way I had barely even imagined and given up all hope of ever having._

_My life changed on days when I could never have seen it coming: That day in January when you walked into my home and you made it ours far sooner than I could say, and that day in September when I feared I might lose the best thing that ever happened to me. One particular night too of course, New Year's Eve will always be special to me now in the best way possible._

_You've changed my life, you've made it real and full and fun and given me a future I never dared to dream of. I love you. I will always love you and the greatest gift of all is that I know you feel the same way. I consider myself the luckiest person alive because that is so. You are the sunlight that brightened my life and I promise I will never take that for granted because I have seen into the darkness that threatened to be without that light, to be without you._

_We'll be far apart now and I know how much that will hurt, because even as I write this, you're not with me and I miss you. Every time you're not in my arms I miss you. I know you'll miss me too. Our consolation is that we will see each other soon. It feels far too long, but soon we'll be back together and everything will be as it should again. Aren't we lucky darling? I am lucky to have you to miss and to know I will have you back again soon. Nothing in life could be so bad that knowing that's true wouldn't make it better._

_I could go on (and on, and on), the very fact that once I could never have imagined writing something like this really says it all, so I guess I should leave it there. I'll speak to you soon._

_I love you, thank you for making that so._

_Dein Fels, immer, and I'm so happy that you are mine._

_Mark xox_

 

Sebastian tried not to actually cry over the letter for fear he would make the ink run and damage something so precious. He dropped back onto the bed and held it above him and read and re-read it. It wasn't a long letter, but there was so much in it. Seb rolled onto his side and wiped his eyes dry with the heel of one hand, then put the letter down to dry them properly with his sleeve. As he did so Seb saw a post-script written on the reverse of the paper.

_P.S. I guess I should say good luck for your driving, but you don't need it. You'll get the best that you can, and that's usually pretty amazing. No one could ask for more. M_

 

Seb smiled and took in another breath. One piece of paper and the tiniest of books. Maybe it didn't amount to much to the untrained eye, but to him it meant the world.

He allowed himself one more reading of Mark's words more calmly before pulling himself together and going to wash his face. He came back through and picked up his phone. He was going to wait for Mark's call, but maybe if he just dropped him a text he'd know he was free and could call back?

SEB: I read your letter. I hardly know what to say except thank you. I love you so much Liebling.

 

 

Mark sat with Jenson at dinner in the hotel when his phone buzzed. He pulled it out and quickly checked it, smiling to himself before he looked back up to see his friend looking at him.

“Sorry,” Mark apologised for ignoring him.

“Anyone I know?” teased Jenson.

Mark's smile widened.

“He alright?” Jenson checked.

“Yeah. I should, umm...”

Mark looked over to see if Jenson had finished his meal as he had. His friend shook his head.

“You want to go call him.”

“Sorry. Am I so obvious?”

“Yeah mate you are, but don't worry about it.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah you go, I'll settle up.”

Mark was already standing.

“Thanks, sorry it's just...”

The smile had faded from his face.

“He had a bad flight. The air-pressure, it's not good for him,” Mark explained.

“Oh?” frowned Jenson. “Still?”

“Mm, I mean I think he should be okay after a night's sleep, but...”

“I'm sure he'll be fine.”

“Thanks. And cheers for this mate, sorry for ditching you.”

Jenson gave him a smile.

“That's okay, you can get dinner tomorrow.”

“Course. Thanks. I'll see you in the morning.”

With that he was gone and Jenson was left alone. He knew Mark was still worrying for Seb despite things all appearing to be well, hardy surprising really.

 

 

 

Mark got up to his room, kicked off his shoes and sat down on the bed before pulling out his phone and dialling.

“Mark.”

“Hey, you okay? Sorry I couldn't ring back sooner.”

“That's okay, no I'm good. Liebling, your letter, I...” Seb let out a sigh. “I don't even know where to start.”

“You liked it?”

“Mark, how could I not? It's amazing. You're amazing.”

“It's just a little letter. I hope I didn't build it up too much.”

“It's beautiful. Oh Liebling, I love you so much. I wish I could be there with you. It doesn't seem fair. I should be there supporting you. It should be your turn.”

“You've got your race.”

“Yeah but... I just wish they could be alternate weekends or something, then we could just go to each other's races all the time.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We'd never be home.”

“Oh, well okay good point. I guess we'd have to reduce the number of races.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian let out the longest sigh. Why did life have to be so complicated?

“You're feeling better aren't you?” checked Mark.

“Hm?”

“The flight; You said it made you unwell.”

“Oh. Yeah I'm fine now.”

“Good.”

“And the book, I didn't even say, that's so lovely.”

“I wasn't sure if you'd remember it.”

“No I do.”

Mark paused. “So you remembered? It was just before Italy.”

Seb took in a breath and tried to work it out.

“You know Liebling, I'm not really sure. I think it's more like I remembered I hadn't forgotten it after all. Does that make sense?”

“Sort of. Yeah.”

“I don't think I associated it with that time. I don't know why.”

“It doesn't matter. I just spotted it before we came away and I thought you might like to have it with you. It's not really a gift seeing as I already gave it to you.”

“No it is. It's lovely. It makes me think of you.”

“Then that's all I care about. I just thought it would be nice.”

“It is nice. You're nice. You're better than nice.”

Mark chuckled.

“I'm not saying it very well,” admitted Seb.

He presumed Mark still couldn't have received his letter, or surely he would mention it. Seb wasn't at all sure he had expressed himself in it as well as he wanted to. A part of him wanted to tell Mark he had sent it, but he decided not to. This way it would be a surprise and if something awful had happened and the letter had been lost in transit, then this way Mark wouldn't be disappointed when it failed to appear.

 

“Course you are sweetheart. I'm just glad you liked your little package.”

“And the hoodies. You're so kind Liebling. When I was on the flight I wore one and it made me feel a bit better.”

“Did it?”

“Yeah.”

“They're only little things.”

“They're the things that matter,” insisted Sebastian.

They both paused for a moment.

“I wish I could wear it today,” Seb confessed.

“Oh?”

“Got to be in proper kit for the media.”

“Oh of course. Are you worrying?”

“Hm? Well not so much. I'll be okay. At least it's a short day.”

“Right, well you'll be fine then.”

“Mm. How about you? How was today?”

“Ah meeting stuff, boring really. It was nice to see people though. They were all asking after you, saying how well you'd done.”

“Were they?”

Sebastian sounded surprised and Mark shook his head at how he could miss the level of interest in him after all that had gone on.

“Of course. Oh and Jense says hi back by the way.”

Seb smiled. He really did wish he could simply have gone on with Mark for this weekend, but that wasn't how it worked.

“I've got to go in a minute,” Seb admitted.

“Right, of course.”

“Sorry.”

“No no, it's fine. I'm gonna go to bed anyway,” Mark reassured.

Seb nodded. Mark was going to bed, he was going to work. It felt as though they were playing some kind of game of swaps.

“'kay.”

“You'll be alright.”

“Yeah. I miss you.”

“Miss you too darling. Oh we didn't do it last time,” recalled Mark.

“Hm?”

“Virtual hug.”

“Oh no we didn't. Okay. You ready?”

“Yep. Are your eyes closed?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Me too.”

 

They each closed their eyes and relied on the power of imagination and longing to do the work of bringing two side of the world together. They were quiet for a minute, then Mark spoke softly.

“I love you so much. I could have written ten pages of that letter.”

Seb squeezed his eyes tighter shut for a moment so as not to cry at hearing that, then opened them to look at the letter now sat on the bedside table.

“I love you too. You're right, we'll be back together soon.”

“Yeah, till then we'll just have to keep on playing tag.”

“Tag?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, phone-call tag. Now you're it. You call me later when it's your evening and my morning.”

“Ah, okay yeah I will do.”

“And you'll be alright with the media today?”

“Yeah I think so. Britta reckons they should all be in a pretty good mood after Austin.”

“True. Okay, well have a good day then.”

“Thanks. Have a nice sleep.”

Mark laughed at how bizarre their life was.

“Love you.”

“Love you too and thank you for my letter, the book, the hoodies, everything. It means so much Liebling.”

“Good, that's alright then. Take care sweetheart and I'll speak to you later.”

“Okay, later then.”

Sebastian hung up. He hated doing that, but he knew that they were quite capable of talking about nothing for another half hour and he'd be late. Seb took a deep breath then stood and gathered his things ready for the day. He was going to be okay.

 

Mark dropped back onto the pillows and looked to the photograph frame propped on the bedside table. He smiled at the sight, thinking how nice it was to hear Seb happy, just like he was in that picture, all sunny and bright and lovely. He was going to go to sleep looking at it. Not as good as the real thing, but it would do for now. Going to sleep meant getting one step closer to being back in each other's arms again.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian walked through the paddock, glad he was done for the day. It hadn't been so bad. Just as Britta had predicted, the media had been on positive form. Some of them had really gushed over his result in Austin which seemed a bit extreme seeing as it was only fourth place, but better that than them having a go at him. They were so fickle. A few were alright, but it felt as though the majority couldn't be trusted. All they cared about was a good story, not the person behind it. He just had to give them what they needed and not think to much about it.

The time with the team had been far better. It had been good to be in the garage with a lighter atmosphere prevailing, getting some funny stories out of the guys about what they'd got up on that night out after the race. When they'd asked where he'd disappeared off to Sebastian simply told them he'd been tired after the race and they'd accepted that, allowing him to get back to leading them to tell him who it was that had fallen asleep on another's bathroom floor and just how bad their hangovers had been. It was nice to be included and feel part of the team, even if he was a little detached from all that. Seb knew he couldn't have dealt with a hangover. The headache he'd suffered on the flight had been bad enough, no way was he inflicting one on himself deliberately.

It was only when he was away from all that Sebastian felt lonely. Sat in his room wishing Mark was there, looking at his phone and having to stop himself from even texting Mark for fear he might wake him. Now it was six o'clock and his day was over, but that was only five am in Shanghai. Still far too early, so he'd have to wait.

Seb turned to Britta walking by his side.

“Do you fancy getting dinner? Just at the hotel maybe?”

He didn't much like the idea of sitting around in his hotel room alone waiting for it to get late enough to call.

“Sure. Not too bad today, was it?”

“No not too bad,” agreed Sebastian.

He'd got through it. Seb knew he had to keep positive and he could get through this weekend. If he let himself get miserable Seb knew he would be in no shape to go out there and race. Tomorrow he'd be back in the car and that would be good. One day down.

 

 

 

 

Mark was back in his room following the drivers' briefing, plenty of time left until he needed to go down to the garage. He'd texted Seb when he woke, but got a text back apologising, saying Seb had just sat down to dinner with Britta and he'd call back as soon as he returned to his room. That was fair enough. He night had ditched Jenson the other night but they had at least eaten already.

Mark was just going to work out what the time was on his phone when it rang. Seb of course.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Sorry about that. I didn't want to be rude to Britta,” apologised Sebastian.

“No of course, that's fine. How was today then?”

“Yeah alright. How about you?”

“I've not started yet.”

“Oh, ha course. Sorry. God this is so confusing.”

“Yeah, you're telling me.”

“So it's Friday morning for you.”

“Yep. FP1 coming up.”

“Right. Okay so are you all set?”

“Pretty much. It's gonna be a bit weird being back in the car.”

Sebastian realised he hadn't thought about that. As Mark had abandoned his racing to look after him, this meant he hadn't raced in over two months now.

“You'll do great. It's only practice isn't it?” encouraged Sebastian.

“Yeah. Gives me chance to get up to speed.”

“I wish I could watch, I looked and there's places I can stream online, but...”

“Ah no way Seb, you'd be up all night. You can't be doing that when you're in the car tomorrow.”

“That's what I was going to say,” Seb admitted.

“Oh.”

“Sorry.”

“No it's good.”

“I wish I could.”

“Me too,” agreed Mark. “I might be able to watch a bit of FP1 for you tomorrow.”

“It's just practice Libelling, there's nothing to see. I'll be fine I promise.”

Mark sighed. Most of the time it _was_ nothing, just cars looping round and round and random shots of the garage while the commentators wittered on about times that might mean nothing overall. The problem was something could happen without warning at any moment.

 

“Mark?” pressed Sebastian.

“Yeah okay. Maybe just the start. You promise you'll call if there's any problem though?”

“Okay. You promise the same?”

“Guess I have to don't I?” smiled Mark.

“No matter what time it is,” Seb pressed.

“Yeah okay. Same applies.”

“Okay that's a deal then.”

“It is.”

Mark huffed a laugh. “You think we've got it tough, your little brother sent me a message saying he's trying to schedule watching both of us this weekend.”

Sebastian laughed along.

“Yeah he said much the same when I spoke to him.”

“I'm expecting a call from your mother complaining we're keeping him up at unholy hours,” joked Mark.

“You probably would if she knew.”

“Yeah. I can't even work out what the time is there. What time is it with you?”

“Half nine.”

“Oh, not so bad then.”

“I'm in bed already,” confessed Seb.

Mark chuckled, but he liked the idea of Sebastian calling him just before he went to sleep.

“Early night's a good idea. Okay well I wish we could talk longer darling, but I've got to get down to the garage.”

Sebastian nodded. He prefer it if Mark could talk to him until he fell asleep, but that wasn't possible. Thinking about it only made things worse. He just had to fall asleep and not let Mark feel bad about being busy.

“Okay. I hope it all goes well for you Liebling. If I ring you when I wake up will you still be at the track?”

“Um, what time?”

“Seven-ish? I think that's six pm for you.”

“Yeah I'll still be here. I should be able to answer though, if not I'll call you back.”

“I can leave it till later. If I call before FP1 maybe?”

Mark smiled, all these little negotiations, as if he didn't want to talk to Seb at every opportunity they had.

“Look sweetheart, just call me whenever you can, don't worry about it.”

“Okay. Good luck today.”

“Thanks darling, sleep well. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

 

They hung up. Mark sighed and fitted his phone away ready to concentrate on driving. In a way it was good that the times were like this. He didn't need to worry about Seb while he was safely asleep.

Sebastian pulled his duvet around him and flicked through the picture book before tucking it under the pillow. The letter lived in his bag along with the other one now. He just had to sleep. Today hadn't been so very bad and tomorrow he'd actually be back in the car so that would be better. Seb didn't want to think about how he would miss Mark being there for him in the garage. He wrapped his arms around the gathered duvet and tried to fool himself it was anything like holding onto Mark.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark stood in the lift going back downstairs in the hotel with Jenson on the Friday evening in Shanghai, apologising for delaying meeting him as he'd been speaking to Seb.

“I thought that was Seb you were speaking to out the back of the garage before?”

Mark shrugged and Jenson laughed.

“Think you can make it through dinner without calling him again?”

“Well he's busy prepping for FP1 now, so...”

Jenson laughed again.

“I give up. Okay. So what time do you need to get back to watch him?”

Mark smiled, knowing how transparent he was.

“Nine.”

“We'd better get a shuffle on then,” agreed Jenson.

Mark nodded and they quickly strode out through reception to go to find the nearest place to eat. Neither of them noticed the girl on the desk trying to get their attention, far too polite to call out to them. She sat back down on her seat in frustration and looked at the envelope that had been entrusted to her care. She'd missed him again.

 

 

 

An hour later Jenson and Mark returned after their rapid meal. In other circumstances Jenson might have complained that he was getting a poor deal here, but not this weekend. He knew precisely why Mark was constantly wanting to check in with Seb to make sure he was okay.

As they made their way across the hotel lobby the diminutive figure from behind the desk shot out and blocked their path.

“Please sir, I have been trying to speak to you.”

They both frowned, but it was Mark that the immaculately dressed young woman looked up to.

“Is there a problem?”

“No sir. You are Mark Webber, room 742?”

“Yeah that's me.”

She nodded and handed him an envelope. Mark looked at it curiously.

“It is for you. I was told to only put it in your hand as it is very important. I give it special care as they ask,” she reported earnestly in her best English. “I am sorry for delay. I keep missing you.”

Mark caught Jenson's eye and saw how intrigued he was.

“Right well no worries, thanks for that.”

She smiled and nodded before walking away, pleased that she had finally fulfilled her duty.

 

Mark and Jenson walked to the lift, Mark barely looking up as he examined the item in his hand. Jenson pressed the lift button and looked over.

“Who's sending you important things through the post then?”

Mark looked more closely at the handwriting and then the smudged postmark. A smile appearing on his face as the lift doors opened and they stepped in. Jenson hit the button for their floor seeing as Mark was too busy smiling at the envelope. Jenson frowned for a moment, then he realised what that smile signified. It was the same smile he recognised Mark wore whenever he received any kind of message or call from one particular person.

Jenson laughed.

“Oh my god, he wrote you a letter. Well that's just...”

Mark looked up.

“What?”

Jenson was tempted to say old-fashioned, but he didn't.

“The cutest thing ever.”

Mark rolled his eyes.

“Piss off.”

Jenson pulled an amused face and bumped shoulders with Mark.

“Did you send him one?”

“Shut up.”

But Mark couldn't help smiling.

“Oh my god you _did_.”

Jenson laughed again and shook his head. Mark gave him a challenging look in reply.

“What?”

“Jessy's right about you two.”

“Oh?”

“You really are adorable.”

“Give over.”

“You gonna let me look at the letter then?” Jenson teased.

“No I bloody well am not,” smiled Mark.

“Would it shock me, is that it?”

“JB, really...”

Mark shook his head at his friend piss-taking and Jenson pulled himself back a little.

“Yeah alright I'm shutting up now, but for the record, that really is very cute.”

Mark just sighed. They stepped out of the lift and went to their respective rooms. As Jenson went to open his door to go in, he glanced a few doors down and saw Mark pause and raise the letter up to look at it, stroking his fingers over the seal as Mark realised it wasn't a cross but a kiss there. Jenson saw the softness in his friend's smile and walked into his room with a smile on his own face. Jess was going to love this.

 

 

Mark sat down on the bed and looked at the envelope once more before realising he'd been rushing back for a reason and turned on the television just in time to see the cars going out on track for first practice in Brazil. He'd sent Seb a quick good luck text half an hour ago despite having spoken to him a couple of times already. On the screen they cut to a shot of Sebastian sat in his car about to leave the garage and Mark wished with all his heart he was stood in that garage there to support him. The camera showed a close-up of Seb and Mark tried to look more closely in an attempt to read his eyes before the helmet went down and Seb was off. He gave him a little wave.

“Good luck sweetheart.”

Mark sat back. Jenson no doubt would think he'd gone mad, waving and talking to the TV, calling each other all the time even when they really had nothing new to say, writing letters...

He checked Seb was safely making his rounds then looked back to the envelope in his hand. The postmark was blurred, but it definitely said Texas, so Sebastian had sent this days ago and never breathed a word. Mark smiled and shook his head, then very carefully opened it to see what was inside. Mark expected the letter in there, what he hadn't anticipated when he pulled it out was the addition of something else. A small piece of folded paper slipped out and fell onto his lap. Mark stared at it for a moment, not quite realising what it was until he picked it up and unfolded it. A little paper heart, smaller than the palm of his hand. There was something written across the centre.

_My heart in your hands._

_Always._

Mark traced a finger over the words. Seb's handwriting was so neat and careful. As in everything else, Seb always tried his best, nothing slapdash or careless. Mark smiled to see how Sebastian had clearly neatly ripped the edges of the paper to make this, improvising with what he had. A heart. Okay so Jenson was right, that really was adorable. Not that Mark was planning on telling his friend about this. Not a chance. Mark knew JB was only teasing, but no way was he giving him the chance to take the piss out of Seb doing something so sweet.

That was what he had been trying to tell Sebastian in his own letter. Mark loved that Seb would take such risks with him, exposing only to Mark what a gentle affectionate soul he really was beyond all the jokes and bravado Seb showed the world.

The little paper heart, like Seb, delicate in ways no one else could ever know. It took a special kind of bravery to be that way, to let Mark in to see and trust that Mark would accept and love him for it. That was his Seb, not some ridiculous macho stereotype the world expected of racing drivers. Seb _was_ tough and brave, but in his own way, not the way they demanded. Mark thought Sebastian's way was far more impressive.

He looked up to check Sebastian coming in to pit before going out again. Mark watched for a few minutes to see him set a couple of times on the board. Nothing like a flyer yet, but respectable laps and Seb seemed okay, that was all Mark asked of FP1. He felt confident enough now to give his attention to the letter.

 

_Liebling, I'm sat in our hotel room in Austin. You're gone now so I'm all alone, but I try to remind myself that I'm never really alone anymore because you're always with me. Like I said in the garage before the race, you're in my heart. Even as I write that I know how silly that would sound to anyone else, but I know you'd never laugh at me for it. You never laugh at me, not like that, and you've no idea how much that means to me. I think I could love you for that alone, but it's just one of a thousand reasons. This is my third attempt at writing this and I know I'm probably not doing a very good job, but then I could write this a hundred times over and not find a way to tell you what you have done for me._

_You saved me. You save me every day, over and over and I'll never be able to express just what that means to me, what you mean to me. You're my life, my whole life. You're the reason I came back, I'm absolutely sure of it. Every day that I live now belongs to you, just as I belong to you and you belong to me._

_You taught me what love is, what it ought to be, and every day of my life that I have I want to spend with you. I guess that's why I miss you so much when we're apart. It feels wrong to have a day when I'm not with you. I love my racing and I'm glad to be back, but I think I'm truly happiest when I'm at home now. Our home. Ever since you took me in and saved my life it's been my home, where I felt happy and safe and loved. Loved long before I dared recognise it as such. I never thought I'd have that. I didn't even know it was possible._

_I know I'm complicated and our life isn't easy. Perhaps the most amazing thing is I don't think I've ever heard you complain about that, not once. I think you must be the kindest most thoughtful person in the world._

_You do so much for me. Sometimes I have days I have no idea how I'd get through without you. Even when you're not by my side you make me feel stronger and give me the courage to go on. When I'm afraid I hear your voice and I feel braver. When I'm lonely I close my eyes and I feel your arms around me. When I'm sad I see your smile and it cheers me. When the past creeps into my head I push it away because I can think of the future we have together and that's so much better._

_We're apart now and I feel all of those bad things, I feel scared and lonely and so sad I could cry until I had nothing left inside me, but the reason I'm not right now is because of you. You left me your hoodies because you knew I'd need them and you were right. That might seem silly to someone else, but I don't care. I love you for it._

_After the race everyone was making such a fuss and I tried to tell them that if I achieved anything it was because of you, but I know they don't really understand. I don't suppose they ever could. No one can but us. You're my rock, the foundation upon which I build everything else in my life. Mein Fels in der Brandung. No matter how stormy those seas, as long as you're with me, whether right by me holding my hand or carried in my heart, I know I can weather those storms because you're there._

_I love you so much. I wish there was more I could do to repay you, but I don't think there ever could be enough anyone could do in return._

_I don't know how to end this other than to say I love you more than I could ever find a way to put on paper. I can't wait to see you again, I can't wait to hear your voice, I can't wait to put my arms around you, I can't wait until we're home and I can try to show you how much you mean to me. I used to be so afraid of the future, but now I can't wait and it's all thanks to you_ _Liebling._

_Ich liebe dich von ganzem Herzen und mein Herzen gehört dir._

_Your Seb, always yours._

 

Mark puffed out a breath and shook his head. Bloody hell, how did Seb do that to him? He made him want to rush to his side and hold him so tight. Mark wanted to feel Seb's heart beating and know it was just for him, wanted to kiss him and see that lovely smile. His Seb, always his. That was such a wonderful thing, the most amazing thing in the world.

He re-read it and wished Sebastian hadn't still found a way to put himself down, as if Mark was doing him a favour by loving him. Mark looked up at the screen and saw it showing Sebastian coming round again. More than ever he wanted to be there with him.

Mark picked up the paper heart and looked at it again, knowing now what it represented. Seb gave him his heart. He cupped the piece of paper in his hands and thought how fragile it was. It was his to protect and to keep safe always. Seb's heart in his hands. It was such a responsibility to have it in his care. Seb trusted him completely with his heart, Mark knew he could never betray that trust.

Leanne liked to say how sweet Sebastian was. Mark usually brushed it off, but as usual his sister was right; Seb was sweet, his sweetheart.

Mark pushed away an escaping tear and distracted himself by finding his phone and sending Sebastian a quick message even though he knew he wouldn't read it until later.

MARK: Daft thing. Don't you know you saved me too? You've nothing to repay. I love you. Call me when you can ok sweetheart? X

 

Mark kept half an eye on the television while he got ready for bed, then sat propped up watching through to the end. Originally he had planned to just watch for a while to see Sebastian was getting on okay and check back in tomorrow, but he needed to speak to him tonight, even if it was late.

 

 

 

At the end of practice Seb climbed out feeling reasonably happy with how it had gone. It had been good to get his head down and work, concentrating only on the task and nothing else. He did his round-up with the guys and got the all-clear to take a break before returning for FP2 after lunch. He retrieved his bag and found his phone, seeing the expected messages from his family saying well done and an unexpected message from Mark. It took him a second to realise what Mark was referring to, then Seb worked out that he must have his letter. He smiled to himself, wanting to ring him right away, but Sebastian waited to get back to his room so he could have some privacy.

“Mark, you're meant to be asleep,” chided Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“It's only just gone eleven, it's not so bad. I'm in bed.”

Seb sat further back on his own little bed.

“Well I guess I'll let you off then.”

“Very good of you.”

Sebastian smiled to hear Mark's lovely warm voice.

“I got your letter,” explained Mark.

“Yeah I guessed that.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You are sneaky. Not a hint.”

“I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“It was. A lovely surprise darling. Close your eyes, I want to give you the biggest hug.”

Seb smiled more widely and did just that.

“Okay. Are yours closed too?” he checked.

“Course they are. Okay, I'm hugging you so tight now darling, can you feel it?”

“Yeah, I'm holding you too. I'm putting my arms right around your middle and holding on.”

They each put their imaginations to work until they really could feel it, their bodies pressed in tight, arms wrapped around, Seb's head dipped as if it was leaning by Mark's shoulder, Mark's cheek resting down as if he could feel Seb's soft hair where it ought to lie. They didn't speak. They didn't need to.

 

Eventually Mark broke the spell.

“I love you so much sweetheart. I meant what I said, you've nothing to repay. You give me far more than you know. You saved me just the same darling. I had a hollow life until you filled it, so don't ever think you owe me anything. We're square, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark knew Sebastian still found that concept hard to accept. He'd just have to keep telling him over and over until it sank in. He thought Seb sounded quiet.

“Seb?”

“Hm?”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just... yeah.”

Seb's voice caught and Mark heard it.

“Oh sweetheart.”

Sebastian sniffled.

“Sorry. I'm okay, just you know.”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, I don't mean to get like this.”

Mark sighed.

“You don't need to apologise darling, you never need to apologise. That's what I meant. Just be yourself, you don't need to pretend with me. You never do, alright?”

Sebastian nodded and wiped at his eyes.

“Seb?”

“Yeah, I'm okay now.”

He almost apologised again, it was automatic, but Sebastian stopped himself.

“Good. Okay, so everything alright today? You looked to be going well.”

“Thanks, yeah only sixth but that's not too bad.”

“Not bad at all.”

“Not as good as your one, two, though.”

Mark huffed a laugh, he had to admit that the team was going pretty well so far.

“I'd rather we moved up a spot, but early days yet.”

“Exactly.”

“Okay well same for both of us then. I wish I could stay up for FP2, but that really would scupper me for tomorrow.”

“No Liebling, you go to sleep. We'll play tag again and you can call me when you wake.”

“Alright then. Oh I didn't even say, thank you for the letter and the heart darling, that's lovely.”

“You don't think it's silly?”

“No of course not, I love it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. You know what I'm gonna do?”

“What?”

“There's a little inside pocket on my Porsche shell jacket. I'm gonna keep it there so it's right over my heart.”

Sebastian thought he was going to go again at that, but he held back, knowing Mark would be gone in a moment.

“Thank you. I love you.”

“Love you too darling. You're going to be okay?”

“Yeah. I'll be fine. I'll speak to you later.”

 

They hung up and Sebastian rested his head back against the partition wall, staring at the ceiling trying to prevent himself from dissolving into the mess of tears he felt close to. He closed his eyes and allowed himself another few minutes of imaging Mark sat next to him, holding him close. That done Seb took a deep breath and went for a quick shower and headed down for lunch, then back up, change again and off to work once more. He could get through this. He just had to do what they always did; keep going.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah well I was, like them, running on and on there, so quelle surprise, it's a two-parter.


	103. Cwtch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cwtch is a hug that feels like home.

* * *

 

 

Mark travelled to the circuit with Jenson the next morning, ready for a full day with FP3 and qualifying to come. He'd already squeezed in one quick catch-up with Seb, glad to know that FP2 had gone okay for him and encouraged Sebastian to accept Lewis's invitation from the drivers' briefing that he should spend the Friday evening watching football in his room. Mark was torn between wishing Sebastian could stay up later afterwards to watch him driving and being glad that it really was on far too late so Seb would be asleep.

“You're quiet.”

Mark looked to his companion.

“Hm?”

“You alright mate?”

“Yeah sorry, I was thinking.”

“Anything in particular?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“Not really.”

“You speak to Seb this morning?”

Mark raised an eyebrow and gave his friend a smile.

“Yeah silly question,” Jenson appreciated.

“How's Jess getting on in Tokyo?”

“Yeah, busy busy. I'm going on to meet her after the race. Gonna spend a few days there before we head back to Monaco.”

Mark nodded.

“Pack of jet-setters that we are,” added Jenson.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“It always sounds better than it really is.”

“Yeah, true that.”

Jenson leaned a little further over.

“Spoke to her last night actually. I've you to thank for getting me in trouble.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah Jessy wants to know why I don't send her love letters now.”

Mark chuckled. He didn't really think of them that way, but he supposed they were really.

“Hoist by your own petard mate.”

Jenson frowned.

“What?”

“You, winding me up, now it bites you on the bum. Serves you right.”

Jenson rolled his eyes, though he knew it to be true. His wife had predictably thought the fact that Mark and Sebastian were sending one another letters as adorable as Jenson had suggested. She'd also ticked him off for teasing Mark about it, so Jenson knew he'd better give it a rest. Jess was always right about these things.

Mark sat back and smiled to himself. JB had wound him up about the letter. Mark wondered what he would make of the paper heart tucked in his inside top pocket right now. Quite frankly Mark didn't give a stuff what anyone else thought.

 

 

 

 

Mark stood out the back of the garage feeling pretty pleased with himself after qualifying. He'd just managed to get to his phone in his bag when he heard it ringing.

“Okay I'm here. Sorry, I was still in the garage,” he apologised.

“It's fine. I can call later?”

“No no, I'm out the back now, we were just finishing up going through things.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian took a breath and re-set himself. He was still waking himself up seeing as it was only just gone seven am where he was. His first action on sitting up had been to check to see how Mark had got on.

“Well done Liebling.”

Mark smiled and shrugged despite the fact Seb couldn't see him.

“Only second.”

“Only? Psh, second's great and you were really close to the other car.”

“Yeah, well I guess it's not too shabby. Tomorrow's what really counts.”

“Course, so all to play for.”

 

Mark chuckled quietly. It was the same thing they always said but he appreciated it nonetheless.

“Yeah, thanks. Porsche are looking pretty handy round here so we'll just have to see how it goes in the race.”

“Mm, well you know I'll be thinking of you.”

“In your sleep.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Yeah alright, mostly while I'm asleep, but I'll dream supportive dreams.”

Mark laughed along.

“Good idea, and likewise darling.”

“Actually looking at it I think I could catch the end of your race if I get up early.”

“It's the middle of the night.”

“Just the last hour, that'd be five am. That's not so bad. I'll make sure I get a really early night, call you at the start of your day, how would that be?”

“I guess.”

Mark was weakening, he did like the idea of Seb watching him, only if it was only for the end.

“I'll just set up my laptop in bed,” Sebastian explained.

“Yeah okay. I was going to try to watch your FP3 tonight.”

“Oh it's late though Mark, it's later than yesterday.”

“I know, but...”

“It's fine Liebling, you know third practice is only about last set-up checks.”

“Hmm.”

“Plus the weather's looking iffy so I think we might not even go out.”

“Really?”

“Rain, on and off by the looks of it, so don't stay up. You can't be making yourself tired the night before your race.”

Mark could argue that Sebastian was losing sleep to watch him, but Seb did have a point about FP3 being less important.

 

“Hmm, okay, but you have to promise you'll let me know if there are any issues.”

“Alright, but it's been okay so far, not spectacular, but you know, steady.”

“Steady is fine. Dan's only been one slot ahead hasn't he? I think perhaps that's just what the car can get around there.”

“Mm, I'd rather swap slots with him though.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah fair enough, well see how you go. I’ll give you a quick buzz before I go to bed.”

“Thanks. If you try any time up to quarter to I think I can hang onto my phone, maybe a bit earlier.”

“Sure. I'll do that then.”

Sebastian nodded.

“How was last night?” wondered Mark.

“Hm?”

“You were going to hang out with Lewis?”

“Oh, yeah that was nice. We just got room service and tried to understand what was going on with the Brazilian football.”

“Was it on a local channel?”

“Yeah, lots of over-excited shouting. I didn't really have a clue what they were saying, but it was a nice enough distraction.”

“Good.”

“I think Lewis needed it too, he was pretty quiet.”

“Really?”

“Yeah well you know he could wrap up the championship on Sunday.”

“Oh of course. Ah well no wonder then.”

“Yeah we didn't really talk about it, but I could tell.”

“Well you don't always need to talk to be supportive.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Like us supporting each other in our sleep.”

“Exactly. Right, sorry darling I've got to get on. I'll ring you before you get going.”

“Sure. Okay Liebling speak to you later. Oh and well done again.”

“Thanks. Bye then sweetheart.”

“Bye.”

Mark puffed out a breath. You _could_ support one another without talking, but he certainly liked hearing Seb say well done. He wished he could stay up to watch Seb in turn, but he'd just have to make do with checking in where he could.

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in the car waiting for the signal to go, ready to start final practice. He was glad he had snatched a quick word with Mark just now. It was funny how Seb had found himself going to stand in 'their' spot in the rear of the garage just the same. Speaking on the phone wasn't the same as Mark being there to give him a hug, but it was the best they could manage. Seb hoped no one had wandered through to see him. If they had, no doubt they'd be wondering why he was stood around with his eyes closed, saying goodnight to someone on the phone. Then again he suspected it wouldn't have taken a genius to work out who he was talking to.

Both Christian and Britta had commented on the fact that Seb's mobile phone seemed to be glued to his hand and he was sure they knew why that was. The two of them had been particularly solicitous this weekend, as well as Doc Phillips checking in on him and Seb was starting to feel as if he was being babysat. Fernando had made a point of coming to talk to him in the drivers' briefing yesterday and Sebastian was sure that was more babysitting going on. There was a tiny part of him that wanted to say he was a grown adult who didn't need looking after, but in truth it was reassuring to know he had people looking out for him. This weekend without Mark was hard, for all their repeated phone-calls and texts. Nothing quite replaced looking over and making eye-contact with Mark in the corner of the garage.

Sebastian pushed that to one side and focussed on the task ahead. It was drizzling again but the heavy rain from an hour ago had laid off, so that was something. He just had to follow the engineer's programme for the next hour and not think about anything else. Seb got the signal and put his foot down to pull out into the pitlane and set off. For the next hour nothing else could exist except the immediate task to hand.

 

 

Mark had the television on as he got ready for bed. He was just going to watch the first few minutes to check that the weather wasn't too bad and assure himself that Seb was getting on okay before he could relax enough to go to sleep.

Ten minutes later Mark sat up in bed, nodding unconscious approval as he saw Sebastian making steady progress. The Mercedes hadn't even come out of the garage in this weather, but the lower to mid-field teams were running and RedBull had risked it, knowing that this was their last chance to get the data they needed. Mark agreed, thinking that Mercedes' caution could cause them trouble later if it didn't dry up for qualifying. He'd checked the weather forecast and seen that intermittent drizzle and rain were predicted, which wasn't great, but then the same was true for the race tomorrow so they needed to be prepared for it. Just as long as the rain didn't get too heavy they ought to be okay.

Thus far Seb was actually sitting in second place behind Dan which was pretty impressive, but Mark knew the times weren't entirely representative. Sebastian was good in the wet though, so Mark felt reasonably confident in doing as he had promised and turning off the television to get a decent night's sleep, hoping that when he woke it would be to see that Sebastian had achieved a reasonable result in qualifying. Mark closed his eyes and thought positive thoughts, as if that really could be a way of supporting him from so far away. A decent result, something to work with and Seb safe, that was all Mark asked. It was something close to a prayer.

 

 

 

Half an hour later Sebastian sat in his car on the run-off area beyond turn three. His heart was pounding so loudly he could hear it.

“Seb are you okay?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath, trying to steady himself. That had happened so fast. One second he was making yet another loop, concentrating on finding the driest line whilst maintaining a decent speed in the increasingly poor conditions, the next he was spinning off track, frantically trying to control the car to prevent it going into the barriers. At least there was run-off here and he'd had chance to do enough to stop. His brain was still catching up with what had just happened when Seb finally acknowledged the radio call.

“Yeah I'm fine. Sorry, think I must have caught a line.”

Sebastian didn't want to admit he felt dizzy from the spin but he knew his voice had sounded breathy then. He took a couple of steadying inhales of air, knowing that rushing off again would not be a great idea. He just needed to settle a bit, then he'd be alright. Seb blinked a few times and lifted one of his hands that had still been tightly gripping the steering-wheel to wipe the spray from his visor and thought he was okay to go on. Sebastian realised his foot was still on the brake, so he moved it and pressed on the accelerator to test it. The car was still running, it didn't seem damaged, it was just that he'd not done the tyres any favours. He revved the engine a little bit and crawled forwards as he turned the wheel to direct the car back on track. Seb looked around him to see if there were any other cars headed his way, slowing to let a Sauber pass before pulling back on.

“Bring her in. We want to give the car the once-over,” instructed his engineer.

“There's a really bad patch heading into this corner, maybe I skidded a bit.”

“Yeah, just bring her in Seb,” repeated the voice calmly.

 

Sebastian took a steady pace to return to the pits, pulling up and allowing the mechanics to wheel him back into the garage. It was only when he was stopped again that he allowed himself to really feel it. Seb didn't think his heart-rate had lowered at all in the time it took to get back here. The seatbelts felt too tight as his chest fought to move up and down to pull in oxygen. He'd lifted his visor and was supposed to be looking at the data-screen lowered in front of him but he was staring without seeing.

“Seb?”

“Hm?”

Sebastian glanced to the side and realised his engineer had been talking to him.

“I said you're right, people are aqua-planing up by three, two more cars off there just now.”

“Oh, right, yeah. Yeah it's not draining properly.”

 

Sebastian tried to concentrate on what the engineer said as he ran through how his laps had been looking up to that point. He still had his helmet on though as Seb was anticipating going back out again with ten minutes of practice left. Then he heard Christian's voice through the radio.

“Red flag.”

“What's happened?”

“Oh shit!”

“What?”

Seb looked to those around him as everyone tried to find out what had happened at once. He felt trapped in the car as everyone stood to look at the screens he couldn't see from his position.

He looked up to his engineer who had also stood to see.

“What's going on?”

“Dan just came off at three as well. Damnit.”

“Is he okay?”

“Hang on.”

'Hang on' was not what Seb needed to hear. He wanted to jump from the car to find out what had happened. He tried to turn further around, then spoke on the radio.

“Christian is Dan okay?”

There was a pause, then his boss replied, clearly having been speaking to his other driver.

“He's fine. Front wing not so much.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Front wings could be replaced, the driver inside was what mattered. His boss sounded perturbed and Sebastian understood why. Seb felt guiltily glad that it hadn't been him that crashed. It wasn't something he dared admit out-loud but Seb wasn't sure he was quite up to bouncing back from a crash at the moment, even if it was a minor one. His spin had been enough to shake him up, a real crash might be too much to handle right now.

He looked outside and even from within the garage Seb could see that the rain was coming down harder.

“Yeah okay we're not going again,” confirmed his boss and Sebastian couldn't help but feel relieved to be allowed to climb out of the car.

Once the seatbelts were released and his helmet was off Seb felt as though he could breathe properly again. His engineer was all ready to launch into debriefing but Seb knew he couldn't concentrate just yet.

“Sorry, I just need a minute, do you mind?”

“Course.”

“Sorry, I just... yeah I'll be back in a moment.”

 

Seb went out back and stood under the overhang of the pit complex so he was outside but sheltered from the rain. He set his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. This was ridiculous. It was only a little spin. He didn't know why he was allowing himself to get so worked up about it. He'd spun hundreds of times before. He had saved the car from crashing without even consciously thinking through the requisite actions to go into a controlled spin rather than flailing around. That was all good. No issues with having to remember what to do or even to really blame himself when it sounded like the track was getting treacherous in this weather. Seb _did_ feel shaken though, even if it was stupid. He wanted Mark here to give him a hug and tell him not to worry about it.

Sebastian closed his eyes and tried to imagine that hug. It wasn't the same though. Sebastian reopened his eyes and tried to force himself to man up. He was being pathetic about this. Dan had _actually_ crashed and Seb was prepared to bet his team-mate was totally fine. He stood taller and went back through to talk to his guys. As predicted Daniel reappeared looking only mildly pissed off that he'd trashed his car.

Seb looked at Dan's car with its front-wing smashed and partly hanging off and couldn't help comparing it with his own which had survived that corner essentially unscathed. Seeing as the cars were otherwise identical the contrast was pretty stark and it occurred to him that if someone hadn't been watching closely they might have thought it was him crashing, not Dan. That bothered Seb, even if he was sure that his incident occurring beforehand must mean that it would be clear it hadn't been him. Nonetheless the idea left him even more unsettled. He turned to his engineers.

“Look I'm soaked from all this rain, do you mind if I go change and come back earlier before quali to go through this?”

 

Getting a nod Seb found his bag and started back to the base. He pulled his phone out and quickly called his family to reassure them he was alright and was glad he had thought to do so when he heard the nerves in his mother's voice.

“I'm really fine Mum, it was just a little spin.”

“Well it looked nasty to me dear, they were all going off there.”

His father cut in, the phone on speaker.

“Well quite, shows it wasn't your fault doesn't it?”

“I guess.”

“At least you didn't bin it like Dan did,” pointed out Fabian.

“Yeah.”

Seb wished his brother wouldn't put it like that around their mother, he knew how she fretted.

“I'm really fine. Dan's fine too, just dinged the front, the team will swap it out.”

“Of course,” agreed his father, “it's a skill in itself saving a spin. You did well Seb.”

“Thanks Dad. Okay well I've got to go.”

“You're sure you'll be alright for qualifying?” asked his mother.

“Yeah. It's really no big deal. Don't worry, okay?”

“Okay then.”

 

Seb had talked as he walked, and he was now up in his room. Once he'd hung up Seb peeled off his sodden racing gear and wrapped a towel around him. He was glad that Mark wouldn't have been watching that. At least he'd said he was going to sleep. A sudden anxiety gripped Sebastian as he worried Mark might have been watching, but then the logical part of his brain realised that he'd had no message or call from him and there was no way that would be true if Mark had been watching. Of course that now presented Sebastian with the dilemma that he had vowed to tell him if he had any major issues occur. Seb couldn't fool himself that what had happened wasn't a fairly major issue. He knew if Mark had been watching he would have had kittens seeing him come off track, even if Seb had saved it.

He sat down on the bed and played with the phone in his hand as Sebastian mulled it over. He didn't want to wake Mark, but he had made him a promise. They didn't break promises. Plus if Mark checked the results when he woke up and saw a picture on a website showing a crashed RedBull car he'd freak out. No, he had to call him.

Sebastian pulled up Mark's number and hovered his finger over the dial button, then pressed it. He had no choice. It rang several times before a sleepy voice answered.

“Seb?”

“Hey. Sorry I woke you.”

“What time is it?”

“Um, half eleven with you I think, sorry.”

Mark was rubbing at his face as he sat up and his brain switched into gear. He'd only been asleep for an hour but on waking it felt far longer. Seb had woken him up. Why would he have done that? It only took another second for Mark to realise it meant nothing good.

“Are you alright?”

Sebastian hated the immediate tension evident in Mark's voice.

“I'm fine. It's just I promised I'd call... if... well if something happened.”

“What? What's happened?”

“I'm really fine okay Liebling, but the thing is I span in practice.”

“You span?”

“Yeah, off track. It was wet and...”

“You're okay?” interrupted Mark.

“Yeah I'm fine, just...”

Sebastian didn't want to lie to Mark.

“Seb?”

“No I'm fine really, just... it caught me out, that's all, I saved it, I managed to stop before the barrier. I'm really fine.”

The more times Sebastian said he was 'fine', the less Mark believed it.

“Seb?”

“I'm fine, really Liebling.”

But all of a sudden he wasn't fine at all. Seb took in a sharp breath and it took all he had not to burst into tears. Mark heard the intake of air and knew right away.

 

“Sweetheart?”

“I'm really fine.”

Sebastian's voice was far too tightly strung.

“It just threw me, that's all.”

“Yeah, of course it did,” soothed Mark.

“It's so stupid. It was just a spin. I saved it, got back to the pits, but...” Seb took a shaky breath. “Sorry. So stupid. I'm a racing driver, I'm not supposed to feel this way.”

“Ah Seb, of course it threw you. You're allowed to feel however you feel darling.”

“Yeah. I just...” Seb took in another breath and let out what he hadn't meant to. “I could just do with a hug, that's all.”

Mark sighed and closed his eyes tight. The way Seb said that made him want to cry as well. He desperately wanted to give Seb that hug.

“Sorry.”

“No darling don't be. I wish I was there so I could hug you.”

“Yeah me too.”

“Close your eyes sweetheart.”

Seb did as instructed.

“'kay.”

“I'm holding you so tight now darling.”

Sebastian squeezed his eyes tighter closed and gave everything to imaging that was so. He could feel the strength in Mark's arms, the warmth of his chest as he pressed into it, the stubble on Mark's jaw as he rubbed his cheek against it.

 

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Thank you. I'm hugging you back Liebling.”

“Good.”

They left it a few moments before Sebastian spoke up.

“Okay, thanks. I feel better now. Sorry Mark.”

“You don't need to be sorry. Just as long as you're alright.”

Sebastian puffed out a breath and looked out across the room, reminding himself where he was.

“It was just a spin, I don't know why I'm over-reacting.”

“You're not over-reacting Seb, you're reacting. There's a difference.”

“I've spun plenty of times before.”

“Yeah but things are different now. I'm sorry sweetheart, they just are.”

“Do you think it'll get better?”

“I'm sure it will. Look darling, if I'd seen it I know I'd have reacted pretty bloody strongly too. You don't need to feel bad about it.”

Seb puffed another breath, still calming himself down.

“Yeah. Well that's why I called. I mean I was fairly sure you were asleep, but just in case and we promised didn't we?”

“Of course we did. I'm glad you called.”

“Are you? I woke you up.”

“No it's fine.

“Okay. The thing is Dan came off there as well later and he crashed, not bad or anything, just a bit of a scrape really, but I thought, well if you saw something about that and it wasn't clear which of us it was.”

“Oh. God yeah. He's okay?”

“Yeah he's completely fine. Just needs the front-wing replacing but practice finished early, people were all over the place.”

“More rain?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded. He'd had enough trouble of his own at Interlagos in bad weather.

 

“Well no wonder then. Okay sweetheart, are you going to be alright?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Mark sighed.

“Seb you have to stop apologising, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I just wish I was there.”

“Yeah.”

Seb mostly wished the same although he knew it would have been awful for Mark to watch that in the garage.

“I'm really better now Liebling. Thank you.”

“Then that's all that matters. Listen sweetheart, don't beat yourself up about stuff. You're not a robot. Everyone gets a bit shaken up when things like that happen out of the blue on track. Anyone who says they don't is either a liar or too stupid to appreciate the dangers.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh at that.

“Okay. We were on inters and it suddenly got wetter, I guess that's why it happened.”

“Course. That's how it is round there sometimes, weather comes in fast.”

“Mm.”

“Is it looking the same for quali?”

“Pretty much. I guess we know where to avoid now.”

Mark smiled slightly.

“Good point.”

“And I suppose at least I didn't crash.”

“Yeah.”

Mark felt a weight on his chest at that. If Seb had crashed, even if he walked away, Mark didn't think he would cope at all being so far away.

 

“And I kindof did everything on automatic pilot.”

“Hm?” replied Mark, still caught on the horrible idea of Sebastian crashing.

“To save the spin and not put it in the barriers.”

“Oh, course. Well yeah that's good, very good. Okay then darling. Oh, where did it happen?”

“Turn three.”

Mark suddenly laughed.

“What?”

“Been there done that.”

Sebastian smiled too. It was good to have shared experience. Mark always knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Ah of course.”

“So you really did do well to save that one, the tyre-wall comes up pretty bloody fast there.”

“Mm.”

“Okay. So have you got a bit of time before quali now?”

“Yeah just gonna grab a shower and something to eat, then head back.”

“Okay.”

“My gear was soaked. I've just got back to my room and pulled it all off.”

Mark coughed with laughter.

“So at the moment precisely what are you wearing?”

Seb smiled.

“Um, not much. A towel.”

“Well damn, now I _really_ wish I was there,” chuckled Mark.

Sebastian smiled even wider.

“Me too. Okay well I'd better get that shower.”

“And there's an image to leave me with,” praised Mark.

Sebastian laughed along with him.

“Okay well enjoy that thought Liebling.”

“I'll have some lovely dreams thank you,” Mark smiled.

“I'm sure. Okay. Thanks then. I'll speak to you later.”

“Okay. And you'll be fine for quali sweetheart. Put practice behind you and remember how good you are at this, alright?”

“Yeah alright, will do, thanks for picking me up.”

“Any time darling. Thank you for calling. I mean it. I'm glad you did.”

“Okay, love you.”

“Love you too. Good luck for qualifying.”

“Thanks, bye then.”

“Bye.”

 

Mark hung up and dropped back onto the pillow staring at the ceiling in the dark, not having switched on the light in his confusion at being woken. He let out a steadying breath thankful that Seb really hadn't crashed. The temptation to stay up and watch qualifying now was almost overwhelming but Mark knew that would screw him for his own race. Racing tired was the fastest way to cause not only poor driving, but potentially result in an accident of his own. No, he had to sleep. Mark sent up a quick prayer that this was the worst that would happen to Seb and that he would really be fine on his own now, then distracted himself with the far nicer idea of Seb showering and fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in the car ready to go in qualifying. His heart was pounding again and he tried to convince himself that it was just adrenaline. He couldn't be _afraid_. Not of racing. Not even that, just qualifying, racing against the clock rather than the cars around him. He was a formula one driver, not a frightened child running off to Mark to fix him.

Sebastian took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Normally this was so he could visualise the track, but right now Seb was simply trying to pull himself together. Mark always said there was nothing wrong in feeling however he felt. He always said Seb was braver because he felt fear and had to overcome it whatever the situation.

Like Niki had said, when it came down to it, it _was_ just him in the car. Perhaps carrying all of Mark's love and support with him wasn't so bad? If it made him stronger what did it matter how much he needed it? After all no one but Mark knew how much he relied on him and Mark never said anything bad about it, just the opposite in fact and Seb knew how honest Mark was. If he said it he meant it. So if Mark said strength and bravery came in different forms then that was true. Maybe all of them were pretending, saying what they thought they were supposed to say to conform to the stereotype of the fearless racing driver? Maybe it was all bollocks?

Sebastian couldn't deny that his confidence had been knocked. The problem wasn't that he thought he was going to crash every time he got in the car, not now that he'd been driving for a while again now. It was that since the accident Seb could no longer believe in the lie that all drivers told themselves that the worst couldn't happen to them. He knew it could. He knew that it could be entirely unpredictable and through no fault of his own. He knew that it could be something you could have no control over, no matter how good a driver you were. Sebastian tried to push that knowledge aside, but it resided in his head as an unavoidable truth now.

He didn't want to give those kind of thoughts the name 'fear' but if he was honest maybe that's what it was. Then again, Seb knew he'd been scared in Austin and he'd got through that. He'd been worried about coming here on his own and he'd been getting through it here too. Not great away from the track, but he'd alright whilst he was working. Mark said he could survive anything, so he could survive being rattled now and go on. He just had to go on. Once he got into it he'd be fine. Mark always told him that nerves were good because they kept you sharp, so maybe having a close call earlier just meant his body was working to keep him extra sharp for qualifying. If you looked at it that way he didn't need to feel quite so bad about feeling on edge. Maybe he just had to accept that really feeling truly comfortable and confident in the car was something he had to build back up, just like every other aspect of his life he'd had to work on in his life since the accident?

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and re-opened his eyes. Okay, at least the rain had left off. The track was still wet but it might dry up over the next hour seeing as there was no more rain forecast. The voice of his engineer came through, reminding Seb what the plan was for the first part of qualifying and replied in the affirmative. Then Christian cut in.

“Okay Seb, you ready?”

“Yep.”

“By Q3 we may have much better conditions so we'll be bearing that in mind.”

“Uh huh.”

“Right then, let's go.”

Seb pushed out a quick breath and flicked his visor shut. It was simple then, he just had to make it through to Q3 when the track would be dry and he could get a decent run at the track. He just had to do it, not think, not be scared. Just as he had before, he simply had to _do it._

 

 

 

Sebastian stood out the back of the garage bouncing on his toes, his phone in his hand. The temptation to call Mark was so strong, but he couldn't do that. He really couldn't. It was just gone four pm now. Seb had completed his media work and he had five minutes before he was due in the garage to do the de-brief. Five minutes that he should be spending with Mark talking over how he'd got on, getting a hug, but no, Mark wasn't there and it was three am in Shanghai. He'd already woken him once when Mark had his race coming up. Seb sighed and quickly called his family instead. It wasn't the same.

 

 

Mark woke up and rubbed his face at the same time as trying to shut his alarm off. Six am. Lots to fit in before the race today. As Mark's brain woke up he had a sudden shock. It wasn't about him, it was about Seb. How had he done in qualifying? Mark re-checked his phone and saw that there were no messages or missed calls. That had to be good didn't it? It certainly had to mean nothing really bad or Mark was sure Seb would have called him.

Okay. Mark took a deep breath and logged onto the hotel wi-fi to check the results. Seb had been unsettled by his spin in FP3 and the weather was iffy there. Mark didn't want to get his hopes up. He sat back against his pillows and stared at the little screen, clicking through to get the information he needed so he knew how to approach Seb when he called him.

A smile spread across his face and Mark exited the site so he could press dial. The phone was answered almost immediately and Mark knew that meant Seb had been waiting for his call.

“Seb.”

“Hey. You're awake then. I wanted to call but I didn't want to wake you.”

“No I just woke up. Seb mate that's brilliant, well done darling.”

 

Sebastian dropped back to lie on his hotel bed where he'd been sitting waiting for this call, a smile on his face.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah awesome.”

“I mean fifth isn't spectacular, but it was a really tricky session, there was more rain when we weren't expecting it and I nearly missed out on Q3 but then it started to dry and it felt so much better in comparison when we could finally get on slicks.”

Mark silently chuckled at how Seb was running on.

“Yeah? Well even better then. So you're ahead of Dan.”

“Mm, only just...”

“Doesn't matter how much by.”

“We're behind the Mercs and Williams. Pretty much in order really so it does feel, you know, what we could get.”

“It's really good sweetheart.”

“It's such a relief,” Sebastian admitted.

“Yeah, well that's good then.”

“After what happened before.”

“Yeah.” Mark stopped. “You were alright weren't you?”

Seb took in a breath. He wouldn't admit this to anyone else.

“I was a bit, you know, just still a bit thrown by it to begin with, but I guess I just had to get on with things.”

Mark huffed a laugh at the way Seb always treated such things as if he didn't have any other option.

“Well it sounds like you did a pretty good job of getting on with it,” he praised.

Sebastian had his eyes closed, wishing Mark was lying next to him as he said this.

“You helped Liebling, you really did.”

“Nah.”

“No you did. Thank you.”

“Whatever works right?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian puffed out a long breath.

“I'm kinda glad today's over to be honest.”

“Are you back at the hotel?”

“Mmm, I'm just gonna get some food, chill out and have an early night.”

“Righto, sounds good. Okay then, well you do that and if I call you before everything kicks off for the day I reckon that'll be nine-thirty your time. How's that?”

“Yeah perfect.”

 

That gave him a couple of hours to do whatever, then he could speak to Mark while he was in bed. Sebastian thought back to a week earlier and suddenly let out a little laugh.

Mark frowned.

“What?”

“Oh sorry Liebling. I was thinking back to this time last week.”

Mark paused so Seb reminded him.

“Our nice relaxing bath.”

Mark coughed with laughter.

“Ah yes, how could I forget?”

 

Mark smiled as he thought how they definitely had to revisit that when they were back home. He longed to be home, but first he had today's race to do and Mark really did want to give it his all after being away so long.

“Mark?”

“Sorry I was just thinking. Okay well I should get up, I'll speak to you in a bit.”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark hated the way he heard the tone drop in Seb's voice.

“Sorry.”

“No of course, you've got a busy day. I'll speak to you when you're at the track. I'm sure you're going to go great today.”

“Fingers-crossed. Anyway well done again darling, good stuff.”

“Thanks. Okay later then.”

“Yeah, speak soon.”

Mark hung up and pushed out a breath before throwing the duvet back to force himself out of bed to get going. That was good then. Fifth was a decent position and while Mark wished he could have talked to him for longer Seb did sound far better than after third practice. He'd take that.

 

 

Sebastian knew he couldn't lie there feeling sad Mark was unable to talk for long. He'd speak to him again in a bit. Seb knew he should keep busy, call down for food, stick the TV on so it didn't seem so quiet. He could take a bath. That would be relaxing, but then he would only be thinking of how Mark wasn't there. Okay none of that, no moping. Seb rang down and changed into his pyjamas to feel comfy as he settled down in front of the TV, finding something he could watch. It didn't matter what really as long as it didn't require much thought.

An hour later Sebastian was giving serious consideration to simply going to bed already despite the fact it wasn't much past eight pm, but he couldn't do that just in case he fell asleep and missed Mark's call. Seb knew how important speaking to Mark was for him before a race. He was sure it must be the same the other way around.

He pulled Mark's grey hoody on over his t-shirt and opened up the doors onto the tiny balcony his hotel room had. It was a different hotel to the one the team used to stay at here in Brazil and Seb was glad of it. With everything else he was dealing with, Sebastian didn't need the addition of the memories of the events of nearly two years ago poured in too. Even if it was possible to think of that night at the end of the 2013 season as a turning point in his life when Mark had reached out to help him, it was still far too painful and complicated. Seb preferred, as Mark did, to consider the start of January when he had come to England as their real beginning.

Sebastian took in a lungful of air and looked outside as he stood in the balcony doorway. The weather was colder now it was dark but it was still a darn sight warmer than it would be at home right now. Not a drop of rain had fallen since mid-way through qualifying which was typical. Seb turned back, stepped barefoot into his trainers and picked up his phone to go stand outside to get some fresh air. There wasn't much of a view from here, just the lights of other buildings, but the night was clear so Seb looked up instead.

A phrase floated into his head as he looked up; 'the same stars'. Sebastian smiled a little as he remembered. They'd been lying on the beach on the last night of their holiday. Him and Mark. They'd been so happy. He'd been pressed in close to Mark's nice warm body, Mark's arm around him. Seb always loved to be that way. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine being that way now, his head tipping to the side as he imagined laying it on Mark's shoulder. His breathing automatically slowed as Sebastian felt at peace. He could almost feel it. _Almost_ , but not quite.

 

Sebastian sighed and re-opened his eyes, looking up once more. They'd known that this was how it was going to be. Even in the best of circumstances their jobs meant they were bound to be parted and he just had to learn to deal with it. Maybe he'd been spoiled all those months through the European part of the season when they hardly parted? This section of the year was simply inevitable. He'd done it before. Hell, Seb knew he'd done it for years before he even had Mark. Maybe it was just the contrast that made it so hard? It was the price they paid; if you had it that good at other times, it naturally made _not_ having that so much worse. If he had to choose Sebastian knew it was no kind of option. He'd take the suffering to get the rest.

He leant back against the wall and tapped on the gallery of his phone and smiled to himself as he looked through all the pictures he and Mark had taken while they were on that wonderful holiday. Seb wondered if he looked different now to then. He certainly didn't have the tan. He'd worked hard to try to regain his racing weight, but Seb knew he was still a little thin. Maybe Christmas would fix that? Sebastian was pretty sure his mother would enjoy the challenge.

Mark looked fantastic in those pictures, his skin a rich tan, darker than Seb's. It made the colour of his eyes stand out, that indefinable green-brown-hazel that Seb could stare at for hours and never quite pin down. 'Warm' was the closest description he could come up with. Everything about Mark was warm; his eyes, his voice, his laugh, his arms. Warm and strong and reassuring. Sebastian thought there was literally nothing in this world that could make him feel so secure and happy as to be held in those strong warm arms and know how much Mark loved him.

Seb let out a poignant sigh. He wanted to step into those photos, to feel the warm sun on his skin and let it soothe the blood running beneath, to feel relaxed, really properly relaxed as he had then. God, it seemed another lifetime ago. So far away. Just as Mark was far away. Sebastian touched the screen and stroked the tip of his finger over Mark's arm where it wrapped around him in that picture. He knew how Mark's skin felt, the muscle below, the little hairs as he ran his fingers over it. Sebastian sighed again, god he missed him.

He tried to work it out. Forty hours, or thereabouts, then they'd be back together. He could last that long couldn't he?

Seb looked back up at the stars one more time, then turned around and went back in. Mark would be calling soon.

 

 

 

Mark sat on a low pile of used tyres out the back of the garage. He'd just had a quick catch up in there before he had to go to a meeting followed by a fan signing session which, if he was entirely honest, Mark could do without on race day, but was obligatory for all drivers. He just had a bit of time now to call Seb and let himself feel properly set up for the day.

He hit dial and smiled as Sebastian instantly picked up once again.

“Hello Liebling, you awake now?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Did I sound asleep earlier?”

“A bit. It was pretty early for you.”

“Yeah. Anyway I'm at the track now.”

“Okay and you're all ready and everything?”

“Well we've got quite a few things to get out of the way first, but yeah we're looking set.”

“Good,” nodded Seb.

“You in bed?”

“Yeah. I'm gonna set my alarm for five. Do you think you're likely to be in the car then?”

Mark gave a shrug.

“Theoretically, but you know how it is darling, it's a long race. I don't know what'll happen between now and then.”

“Course. Okay well either way I'll see how things are going. How's the weather?”

“Dull but dry. That's fine by me.”

“Good. I'm sure you're going to go great Liebling.”

“Thanks. Are you going to dream supportive dreams for me?”

Sebastian smiled at that.

“Of course. That went pretty well last time didn't it?”

Mark chuckled, knowing as Sebastian did, that they were merely kind words that didn't really mean anything. It was just another invention they'd come up with to help them feel better about the difficulties of being unable to support one another in the way they would like.

 

“Absolutely darling. Okay well I'm bound to be fine then aren't I?”

“Yep. Okay, if you've got stuff to do shall we do our hug and you can get on?” suggested Sebastian.

“Righto.”

They repeated their now accustomed action, closing their eyes and sharing a moment of mutual support.

“Okay, think I'm good now,” stated Mark.

“You're sure you don't want me to call closer to the start?” Seb checked.

“No you sleep darling. I'll feel better knowing that, okay?”

“Okay then.”

Mark quickly glanced around to make sure that no one was around to overhear then spoke again.

“I've still got your heart you know.”

Sebastian shuffled happily down on his pillow where he lay in bed.

“Well that's always true,” Seb confirmed.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Mm, thank you darling, but I meant your paper heart.”

“In your top pocket?”

“That's right.”

Mark huffed a laugh again, thinking no one would probably imagine him capable of such sentimentality, but he didn't care.

“Our little secret, okay sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “I like that. It's like a piece of me is really there with you.”

“It is,” Mark confirmed. “I wish I could have it in my race-suit too, but you know.”

“Yeah I know. That's nice though.”

Mark let out a sigh as he checked the time.

“Alright darling, I've got to go. If you're still tired in the morning go back to sleep, don't be worrying about me.”

“No I'll be awake, it's fine. Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

Mark thought he could sit here talking for hours but he could hear movement behind him and he suspected it was time to go.

“Okay, well have a good sleep and I'll speak to you after the race.”

“Alright. I know you're going to go great. I love you.”

“I love you too. Okay, bye then darling.”

“Bye Liebling.”

They hung up and Sebastian let out the longest sigh. All their time seemed to be in stolen moments, over far too soon. Seb tried to think what else he could do that was supportive, then had an idea and sent Mark something in a text. Then feeling he'd done what he could, Seb checked his alarm was set and put his phone on the side to go to sleep. He _was_ going to dream supportive dreams, Seb didn't care how silly the idea seemed.

 

Mark caught something out of the corner of his eye and saw Jenson stood there.

“Oh hello. I was just talking to...”

“Seb,” completed Jenson.

Mark laughed as he stood.

“Yeah okay so I'm predictable.”

Jenson shrugged.

“Well I'm presuming you don't call anyone else darling.”

Mark gave Jenson a smile and patted him on the arm.

“Try not to be too jealous.”

“I'll fight that fight bravely,” Jenson grinned. “Right, come on Romeo, we're going to be late.”

The rest of Porsche's drivers were feeding out of the garage and Mark fell into step as they headed off ready to really begin their day.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian awoke with a start, his brain initially rebelling against switching itself on so early, but as he turned his alarm off Seb remembered why he had set it so early and leaned over the edge of the bed to grab up his laptop he'd left on the floor there ready. He opened it up and switched it on, taking a sip of water as he waited for it to boot up and then let him log on to the streaming site Sebastian had left open to allow him to start watching as fast as possible.

As he waited Seb closed his eyes in silent prayer that Mark would be going okay, or the car at least if he wasn't in it. The video link kicked into action and Sebastian quickly clicked to maximise the screen size so he could see what was happening, frantically scanning the information displayed. Number seventeen, number seventeen....

 _Third_. Seb puffed out a breath. Okay third was alright. They'd started in second, but a lot could happen in five hours. He could dig around on the internet to find what had gone on, but Sebastian didn't dare take his eyes off this. The camera was currently filming something going on in the Toyota garage. Whatever it was didn't look too promising for them, but Seb wanted to see the action on track. The number seventeen Porsche was currently listing Timo at the wheel, so at least Mark was safe in the garage. At least he must be, surely. Seb checked his phone again and made sure there were no messages. Nope, none. Okay so Mark was fine and he didn't need to worry about that.

Sebastian settled on his side with the laptop open beside him as he watched. The other Porsche was in the lead, so the team must be having a pretty good day. The footage showed the cars steadily looping for a while as the commentators discussed just that, then cut to a shot in the garage showing Mark and Jenson exchanging a few words, then they both waved to camera. Seb grinned and waved at the screen.

“Hello Liebling. Hey JB.”

Mark was in his race-suit and had a hold of his helmet, so Sebastian presumed that meant he was still due to climb in for one final stint and this proved correct as the car pulled into the pits and Mark was shown jumping in. Sebastian lay there thinking, 'good luck', hoping Mark didn't need it. Andreas had put him in for the last part of the race which felt like a statement of good faith in Mark. Seb was glad to hear that the team had welcomed Mark back and relationships there seemed undamaged by his temporary leave of absence. He'd told Seb that Andreas had been very decent about the whole thing, so at least they didn't need to worry about that.

The field was pretty spread out so Mark was able to slot back on track retaining their third position and Seb was pleased to see it. A podium position would be great to come back to. Sebastian settled into watching the race play out, hoping Mark could hold on to what he deserved.

 

 

Mark picked his way through the lower category cars around him as he went around the track. The sister car was having a seamless race so far and seemed secure in the lead but he couldn't resent that when they'd done such a good job all weekend. His car was having more of an eventful time with not one, but two, minor technical problems requiring spells in the garage which had dropped them down the field. Brendon had got them back in the game and there had been a few other issues for other cars that reshuffled things around, then Timo had done well to get them in a podium position, now Mark had a final shot at getting back up to where they'd been. Less than an hour to see what he could make happen.

At least that damn rattling that had building during his last stint had been fixed. Even if the affect had been minimal, such things could put you off your game and the mechanics seemed convinced it would have got worse if he hadn't brought the car in. That might have resulted in the end of their race, not just losing a few spots. The car felt good again now, smooth and responsive. He'd had the word from his team boss to push and that was exactly what Mark intended to do.

When he'd climbed out of the car earlier when the team had decided that they had to fix the problem, Mark hadn't been feeling quite so rational. He understood it was just one of those things, but losing those places after things had been going so well had been horribly disheartening. Mark had been left killing time in the garage, allowing his disappointment to seep through him, leaving him in a foul mood. Trying to distract himself he'd found his bag to pull out his phone and was surprised to see a message waiting from Seb. It must have been delayed arriving seeing as the time stamp indicated it was actually sent several hours earlier. Mark wandered out the back and opened the text, his bad mood evaporating in an instant when he saw it was a picture: a shot of Seb's wrist, close up on the fish.

SEB: Just in case you need it. Always remember this. I love you.

Mark smiled as he thought about the double message. The fish was always there as was Seb's love. What did a lost slot or two in a race matter by comparison? Mark pulled his sleeve up slightly so he could look at his own wrist to see his fish there.

He couldn't give up. Seb wasn't despite all he'd been through. The idea of Mark doing so just because of a little set-back was ridiculous.

 

As he powered round the track now, Mark gave a moment's thought to that and knew that he couldn't stop trying. Even if he still finished third, Mark would know he had given his all and not allowed himself to fall into the trap of sulking about his misfortune as once he might have done. As usual Sebastian gave more to Mark than he could ever truly comprehend.

 

 

 

Forty-five minutes later Sebastian was sat up cross-legged in bed, his lap-top nearly over-balancing on his legs as he shouted out.

“Yes, yes, yes!”

He beamed happily and then laughed out-loud as he wondered what his neighbours might think hearing that through the walls. Seb didn't really care though. That had been brilliant. Mark had fought his way through relentlessly to re-take second place. He'd done so well that by the end of the race just now, the number seventeen car was hot on the heels of the number eighteen in the lead. A really brilliant showing.

Sebastian pulled out his phone and started sending congratulatory texts to Mark despite knowing he wouldn't be able to read them for a while yet. He smiled as one came through from his brother praising Mark's race as well. It was nice to think of them both sitting watching the same thing at different points around the world.

He sat watching the aftermath, the smile unwavering on his face as Seb applauded Mark enjoying himself with his team-mates on the podium. Jenson slung an arm over Mark's shoulder from his number one spot and they smiled for the cameras. His friend had done fantastic to win so Seb sent him a text to say well done. He wondered if Jenson missed Jessy being there to support him too and sent her a message asking if she was watching from Japan.

 

 

 

Mark stood on the podium half drenched in champagne, looking down at the crowd below. He tried not to think about how nice it would be if Seb was in that crowd looking up at him with pride at his achievement. He failed completely of course. For all Mark had told Sebastian to sleep if tired, he really hoped Seb was watching right now.

It was another half hour before Mark could get a moment to check his phone, smiling as he saw all the messages waiting there; his parents, his sister, Fabian telling him he'd watched the last part with his parents in the lounge rather than on his computer and passing on a well done from them too. He saw that Seb hadn't just sent a message, he'd sent half a dozen. Mark saved them till last, then laughed as he read one after another, showing him how over-excited Sebastian was. He let out a regretful little sigh that Seb wasn't right here again, then sent a quick text back thanking him and telling Seb he'd ring him as soon as he had chance. Mark knew he would want some space alone to take that special call.

Andreas came over and gave Mark a pat on the back.

“Well done again,” he praised.

“Thanks. Guess we couldn't hope for a better result for the team could we?”

“No indeed. I wanted to say again how glad we are that you're back.”

“Glad to be back. I have missed it you know.”

“Well we've missed you too.”

Mark was about to apologise for having been away for so long, but his bossed carried on before he could, not wishing to make Mark feel guilty about it.

“Anyway, there'll be some happy meetings in Stuttgart in the week, not that you need to worry about that.”

“Well at least you can tell them I didn't take too long to get up to speed.”

Andreas shook his head.

“No of course not. I never doubted it. I'm sure they'll be very impressed with how much you've helped the team achieve its full potential this weekend. That last stint especially was really crucial to us maximising the team result and I know Matthias is very pleased with your contribution.”

“Well, thanks. That's good to hear.”

“Okay well if you guys all want to go take a quick break, get changed and so on, then we'll finish up in here and I think we might have a few drinks at the base to celebrate.”

“Sure.”

 

Mark gave him a nod and headed off, glad to get the chance to do what he needed. He grabbed a quick shower, then as soon as he redressed Mark was on the phone to Seb to get his congratulation direct. He allowed himself to bask in that for a few minutes, enjoying the fact that Sebastian sounded just as excited an hour later as when he had sent those text messages. Frankly Mark thought he could sit and listen to Seb's happy voice telling him how proud he was of him for hours on end, but he knew Seb had to get started on his day and Mark was due to complete his own. He left off with a promise to call Seb before the race when Mark knew he could switch his attention to setting Seb up for his own race.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood waiting for the drivers' parade, looking out from where the assembled group stood gathered undercover. A mild drizzle was falling outside which might make the race tricky, but Seb had been trying to think of as potentially offering him more opportunities. Right now Seb was concentrating rather more about how this weather meant he'd be glad of his waterproof jacket and cap when they got outside. He'd chatted to Daniel for a while and said hello to a few others including Fernando and Felipe, but Seb had noticed how Lewis had stayed stood on his own at the side having arrived later than most. Lewis had his earphones still on as he kept himself secluded in his little bubble. Seb wasn't sure whether to leave him alone seeing as that was the vibe Lewis was giving out, but Sebastian thought he ought to at least say hello.

He walked over and stood by Lewis.

“Hi.”

Getting nothing Sebastian moved right into his eye-line and waved a hand in Lewis face.

“Hello?”

Lewis looked slightly startled, as if he had been unable to see what was in front of him. He shook himself out of it and pulled out his earphones.

“Sorry. Hey.”

Sebastian stayed stood close so they could talk quietly. He could see the nerves Lewis was trying to hide with his standoffish attitude. Seb knew too much about putting up protective fronts not to recognise it in others.

 

“So umm, I just wanted to say hello.”

Lewis nodded, thinking how awkward these situations could be right before the race. This was why he ended up cutting himself off so often, it was difficult to be friends with people when your prime objective was to defeat them and theirs was just the same. It had almost completely destroyed what he had once shared with Nico. There were a few drivers he could share a friendly relationships with, some more than others. Seb was one of them. There was a mutual respect there, an understanding. Plus it had to be said right now, Seb wasn't a threat to him in the championship, and that did make things rather easier.

Seb gave him a little smile, knowing this wasn't really the done thing.

“Good luck today,” he offered almost under his breath.

Lewis smiled and flicked his eyebrows up, answering in a similar tone.

“Are you allowed to say that?”

Sebastian shrugged. Lewis had been kind to him, he was a friend. Sebastian knew there was no way he was in the competition this year, certainly not after missing so many races. Wasn't he allowed to hope Lewis won in those circumstances? Why should he conform to what the world expected of them?

 

“Well thanks anyway.”

Lewis leant up away from the wall he had been leaning into and spoke again with a laugh.

“That mean you're going to let me by?”

Sebastian grinned.

“You're starting on pole. Just how bad a start were you anticipating?”

Lewis laughed back.

“Good point.”

“And no, I'm not offering you a pass. Besides, you don't need it. You don't even need to win today do you?”

Lewis shrugged. That was true. Any podium position ahead of his team-mate today would be enough to get the points he needed.

“Tell you what,” offered Sebastian, “I will promise not to deliberately crash into you.”

Lewis coughed with laughter, seeing the tease in Sebastian's eyes.

“Wow. Well that's pretty cool of you man, thanks.”

“No bother. What are friends for, right?”

“I'm honoured.”

Seb shrugged one shoulder and replied more earnestly.

“I'm pretty sure you've got this.”

“Famous last words.”

“Yeah well if not, you've still got Abu Dhabi, right?”

“Guess so.”

“I can think of worse positions to be in.”

“Yeah,” agreed Lewis.

He puffed out a breath.

“Just the minor detail of going out there to do it now,” Lewis added.

“Mm.”

 

“You seem in a good mood anyway,” Lewis noted.

Sebastian smiled.

“Mark came second in his race.”

“Oh really? That's great. You said they're in China didn't you?”

“Yep.”

“Ah well that's good to hear. Tell him well done from me.”

“Thanks, will do. Oh and JB won, well his car. I always forget to say that.”

Lewis nodded.

“It's weird isn't it? Can you imagine racing like that? Having to be part of group driving one car.”

Seb gave a slight shake of his head.

“No not really. I think I'm better off this way. I mean I know we do have our teams, but it's really down to us isn't it, for good or ill.”

“Yeah.”

“Mark likes it though.”

“Clearly suits him.”

“Mm.”

Lewis was about to add something else when people started moving out.

“Uh-oh, time for our ride on the fun bus,” noted Seb.

They both looked out again. Given the weather it didn't look as if a whole lot of fun was really in store, but they'd do what they always did; stand and smile and wave, their minds already focussed on the real business ahead.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian stood in 'their' spot out the back of the garage in his last window of free time before he needed to finalise preparations and head out to the grid, his phone already to his ear as he waited for Mark to pick up.

“Hey.”

“Hey. You're still awake then?”

“Course. I promised didn't I?”

“Are you really going to sit up through the race?”

“Course.”

“It'll be the middle of the night,” Seb noted, despite the fact he really _did_ want Mark to be watching.

“I can get a couple of hours kip afterwards and then I'll just sleep on the flight home, okay?”

“Yeah alright.”

“Anyway never mind that. How are you feeling?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know. It's a bit weird to be honest Liebling. I've been going through all the motions this morning but it hasn't felt real until now.”

“Oh?”

“Not in a bad way. I'm so pleased for you getting such a good result.”

Mark smiled. It was flattering to know Seb's mood was so improved by his second place. Mark had to admit he was pretty pleased himself.

 

“Well that's very sweet of you darling. I'm glad if it's been a good distraction.”

“Mm.”

“And now? How are you feeling?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath.

“Hm. I am a bit nervous.”

Mark nodded.

“Course, well that's okay. Nothing wrong with a few nerves, just as long as it's not too bad.”

“Mm.”

“Mm?”

Sebastian ended up smiling.

“I'll be alright once I'm out there.”

“Good. How's the weather?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“On and off. I don't think we can rely on any predictions other than it's gonna be damp.”

“Right. Well remember that was how it was in Spa.”

“Yeah. I think a win might be a bit ambitious, but I'll see what I can get.

“You never know. Anyway darling, you know I'll be watching and supporting you.”

“Thanks.”

 

Seb did appreciate knowing that Mark was doing that, even if it wasn't the same as him being right here. He tried not to think about how far away Mark was, but doing this over the phone really wasn't the same as having Mark stood right in front of him, feeling his hand on his arm, seeing his face in front of him. Eighteen and half thousand miles. Sometimes he felt every inch of that separation and now was one of those times. Sebastian imagined that there was a kind of physical cord linking their two hearts and the further apart they were, the tighter it was strung. Right now it felt so taught that the slightest touch would make it go twang.

“Seb?”

“Hm?”

Sebastian hadn't realised he'd gone quiet as he thought.

“Sorry. Yeah I'm here. I'll be okay Liebling. You're right; I've just got to take those nerves and use them.”

“Absolutely darling. You've got plenty of opportunity from p5, especially if it's wet. That levels the playing field a bit doesn't it?”

“Mm, guess so. Okay. I've got to go.”

“Right.”

Mark hid a sigh. He wished he could give Seb his real hug and good luck kiss know, just as he'd wished more than anything that Seb could have been there to congratulate him properly earlier. It really wasn't fair.

“Virtual hug?” prompted Sebastian.

“Of course. Okay you ready?”

“Yep.”

They each closed their eyes for a minute, neither speaking. It wasn't the same, but it was what they had.

“I love you,” reminded Mark.

“Love you too. I'm so proud of you Liebling.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“It's about you now darling. Go out there and see what you can get, right?”

“Right.” Seb took in a deep breath. “Okay thanks, I've really got to go.”

“I know. Good luck sweetheart, remember I'm watching and I'm right with you.”

“Yeah, thanks. Bye then.”

“Bye.”

They both hung up and each paused before moving, wishing that there was more they could do. It felt so abrupt to hang up like that. Mark suddenly realised he should return the favour and quickly sent Seb a text, hoping it would get there faster than Seb's had. He climbed out of bed to go and sit up on the end of the bed, knowing if he watched lying down there might be a chance he could fall asleep after his long day. No way was Mark going to let that happen.

 

 

Sebastian put his phone back in his bag and opened the side pocket to give himself a moment to glance at the letters tucked away there. He didn't really have time to read them, but he didn't need to, it was more about the feeling they gave him; to know he had a piece of Mark with him, a tangible reminder of his love and support. Seb was just about to turn back to go and grab a last word with his team and climb into the car when he heard a muffled buzz from his phone in the bag and grabbed it out, expecting yet another text from his brother, only to see it was from Mark. He opened it and a big smile spread over his face as he saw a reflection of the text he had sent Mark for his race: Mark's wrist showing the fish there in turn.

MARK: You remember this too okay sweetheart. Good luck. I'll see you soon. Love Mark

Seb closed the message down and replaced the phone in his bag. When he'd spoken to Mark earlier he'd been gratified to hear how much his little text had helped him in the race. Now Mark was returning the favour. He took a deep breath and stowed the bag away. It was time to get going.

 

 

 

Mark sat watching the cars line up after the formation lap, waiting for the last of their number to reach their spot at the back of the grid before the five lights flicked on. He took in a deep breath knowing he would need it. Starts were always torture to watch, but starts when the track was damp were even worse. Mark never knew how he got through these. He was convinced that his heart must be pounding as hard as Sebastian's surely was right now. The temptation to put his hands over his eyes was almost too much, but Mark knew he couldn't look away, not for a moment.

Seconds later Mark was breathing out in relief to see Seb make it around the first corner unscathed. Miraculously in this weather there had been no crashes at the off, everyone perhaps feeling extra wary, knowing they had a long afternoon to survive and Sebastian had held onto his fifth place, Dan slotting neatly behind him as they trailed the Williams and Mercedes in turn. Mark puffed a heavy breath and nodded. He couldn't relax until the race was over, but he could at least turn the tension down a notch for now.

 

Sebastian was too busy concentrating on assessing how the track felt to feel too pleased to have survived the start. The weather had been on and off all day which meant different areas of the track were still very wet whilst other parts weren't so bad, but you couldn't really know how they would be to race through until you'd done it. For now he wasn't thinking about anything more ambitious that going steady and getting himself into the race. He was thankful that those around him were decent drivers Seb thought he could trust reasonably well not to do anything stupid. Now if only this drizzle could dry up, life might be a little easier for all of them.

 

As the race continued it seemed such hopes were not to be realised. Mark sat watching the television, seeing the FOM camera home in on one of the screens on the Mercedes pitwall showing the forecast indicating heavy rain clouds closing in and within minutes the rain had changed from drizzle to a steady downpour. The commentators were gleefully predicting that the race was about to get a lot more interesting but Mark didn't want it interesting, not when that was usually a euphemism for chaos.

 

Sebastian didn't need the radio call telling him that the rain was getting worse. He could feel that for himself as the car began to struggle even on intermediate tyres and as he rounded the lower part of the track the spray was getting worse and worse.

“Okay, really think we need wets,” he radioed through.

There was a pause then his engineer came on.

“You're sure? We don't think this rain will last.”

Sebastian wanted to say that all their predictions on this front had been pretty ropey all weekend, but he restrained himself.

“I'm losing time on these. It's far worse on the lower parts of the track.”

There was another pause and Seb knew that the matter was being discussed before the voice came back through.

“Okay, box this lap.”

 

Watching on TV, Mark scowled at the commentators remarks that Seb was demonstrating a cautious attitude by being the first to pit for wet tyres. Mark thought it was merely Seb being sensible and his view was borne out when Sebastian came back out on and was immediately doing better lap-times while the rest were forced to slow as the rain started to come down more heavily. Most of the rest of the field began to pit to copy him and Sebastian temporarily found himself in the lead of the race which made Mark smile, even if he knew it was unlikely to last once the rest were able to match or beat his speed now they had changed tyres too.

 

Sebastian was thinking much the same. Over the radio he was informed what was going on and decided that the only thing to do was concentrate on himself. They were only ten laps into the race, a lot could happen yet. He just had to make the most of being ahead while he could. Running at the front meant he had less spray in his face and Seb could let the rest behind him worry about making up the places they had lost in delaying.

He tried not to take it too much to heart as one then another Mercedes car made their way past. Just as he had told Lewis, Seb had no intention of handing any places over, but when they got on the straights there wasn't a lot he could do once he had made his one manoeuvre to block them, only for them to take turns going the other way and sailing by.

 

Mark sighed to watch it, but in truth he wasn't disappointed to see Seb being sensible. Push too hard in this weather and he'd be off again. Mark didn't think he could stand to see that, especially when he was so far away. After a couple of laps the Mercedes were starting to pull away and Mark could see the Williams behind were closing the gap. He took a swig of his water and it struck him how wide awake he was despite the late hour. Watching the race when he was so invested in the outcome, at least as far as Seb was concerned, meant there was no chance Mark could relax.

 

More laps passed. They were still only a quarter of the way in, but with the intervention of rain the field had been shaken up, some faring better than others in the tricky conditions. Both Saubers had stayed out on the intermediate tyres, risking that the weather forecast might be right and they could save time changing tyres if this rain dried up. Sadly only too soon they were both shown the error of their ways as Ericsson spun off track at turn four and then worse, Nasr took turn twelve far too fast and hurtled into the Lotus of Romain Grosjean, ending both their days.

The safety car came out almost immediately and Mark watched, grateful to see both drivers climb out safely and walk away, even if there was a fairly obvious moment of remonstration from the Frenchman as he pointed out the error of his opponent's ways. Whilst the commentators were having a good chuckle at this Mark was watching to see how the train of cars formed up behind the safety car. It didn't seem fair that the advantage that Sebastian had been hanging onto was being wiped out, but Mark knew well enough that was simply the rules of the game. At least while the chain of cars traipsed around the circuit in formation he knew that Seb was safe.

 

Sebastian wasn't thinking anything like that. He was looking up to the sky and wondering if that light patch to the north-west of the circuit was likely to be coming this way or not. If it was going to stop raining then this was the perfect time to pit for inters again. He got on the radio and asked the question but the only honest answer the team could give him was that they didn't know. He ran for a few more laps with no sign of the rain abating and when Christian came on to ask how the track felt Seb had to tell them that it was no better.

Lap 20 now and Seb got word that the crashed cars had been removed from the track and the safety car was due to come in soon. Sebastian was sure that the two Mercedes ahead were bound to hare off the moment it did. Likewise he was sure that the Williams behind were going to try to jump him. He had to be ready to bolt as soon as he saw Nico go. Seb knew it wasn't going to be easy given the amount of spray obscuring his vision even at this speed.

Half a lap later he got the signal and as they came back into the start-finish straight Seb knew Lewis was going to go as soon as he could, not wanting his team-mate any chance to leapfrog him. He readied his foot and just as he'd guessed the two silver cars were away and almost lost in the spray and rain blurring his visor. Sebastian pressed on the accelerator and did his best to hang on to them whilst at the same time doing all he could to keep an eye on his wing mirrors to make sure there wasn't a chasing car in the wrong place. He rounded the first corner and tried to remember where the vaguely drier line was through the curves, then on the straight he went on up through the gears and prayed that the car would manage to slow at the end.

 

Mark sat further forwards on the edge of the bed, anxiously watching to see that Seb was making his way round okay and that the cars behind weren't catching up too fast. In this weather it was more a game of survival than anything else. Once one lap was done he could relax just a fraction as it seemed that the initial chance had been lost for the Williams and Sebastian was holding his position, even if he was well behind the two in front. He sat back and watched as Seb continued his delicate balancing act, trying to read what the numbers on the screen told him when the FOM camera cut back to the battle between Lewis and Nico up front.

 

There was no opportunity for Sebastian to relax even in the slightest. Far from the weather drying up it seemed that the rain was getting heavier and the corners were horribly greasy as they made their way around. Seb didn't want to think that he was being overly cautious, but there was a fine line between bravery and stupidity and Seb had had too many lessons in how easy it was to go wrong. He thought he'd built up a reasonably safe gap but within another couple of laps Sebastian got a warning on the radio that Bottas was creeping up behind. Seb looked back but in the spray kicked up by his wheels all he could see was mist. There was nothing to be done but keep his eyes forward and worry only about himself.

 

Mark was likewise only worrying about Seb. The television had just played out the radio call warning Seb and the camera was cutting between him and the approaching Williams driver. Mark knew it was always easier to see these things on screen than when you were in the car. He thanked small mercies that Rosberg's car was far enough off ahead that Seb wasn't suffering with driving through his spray and the thought occurred to him that if he got closer, then Valtteri would be the one having to cope with Seb's spray.

Shortly after Mark wished that he hadn't thought about that as the white car was evidently getting closer and closer while Sebastian fought to hold onto the curves in the latter part of the track. The start-finish straight was coming up and Mark wasn't sure what Seb could do against the Mercedes engine tucked in the Williams car. Bottas wasn't quite on him yet but even without DRS he would have the advantage on the run past the pits. Mark balled up his fists, anxiously anticipating what was about to happen.

 

 

Sebastian had his foot down as hard as he dared on the straight. He could sense Bottas approaching on his shoulder without needing to see him. His engineer had warned him coming into the last bend that the Williams would soon be in a position to overtake, but he'd made no indication telling Seb that the fight was hopeless, so Seb knew he had to try to hold on. He could hear the other engine and although the pale car was hard to make out in the spray Seb could just about see him now, looming on the inside as they got to the end of the run towards turn one.

Sebastian slowed, knowing that an abrupt stamp on the brakes in these circumstances was ill-advised. He could only hope that Bottas was doing the same. Sebastian braked more heavily as he reached the turn and took the racing line into the bend. Then without actually seeing anything, Seb felt something. The car twitched and Sebastian had to do his best to control the shift to the outside of the curve on the slippery surface and keep going. He got a glimpse of the Williams car swivelling side-to-side in the background and then dropping back. The next part of the Senna 'S's came up fast so Sebastian knew he just had to focus on dealing with that and carry on, but his radio crackled through.

“Seb did you touch?”

Sebastian wanted to say no, but he _had_ felt something.

“I don't know.”

On the pitwall there was a lot of discussion as they tried to see on the telemetry if there was any indication, but as yet there was nothing and they were left watching the TV replay which was equally inconclusive.

 

 

Mark was bent forwards, staring at the screen. He had been so sure then that Seb was going to crash. Bottas had come up the inside as Sebastian took the corner and it looked as though he wasn't braking at all in an attempt to scoot up the inside of the RedBull. He'd barely got a nose ahead of Sebastian's back wheel when he appeared to think better of it and tried to back out as the gap disappeared. On the television you couldn't tell whether it was braking in a wet patch that had caused the car to squirrel wildly into the bend or whether Bottas' front wing had touched Sebastian's car.

As Seb drove on and Bottas recovered himself, both without any sign of damage, Mark slowly regained his breathing. His hands rested on his knees holding him up as he leaned in to see more. Then the radio cut in again.

“Seb there's signs of lower pressure in your rear left.”

Mark let out a deflated breath of his own. They meant a puncture. Damnit. The sharp outer corner of Bottas's front-wing must have grazed Sebastian's tyre after all. Damnit, damnit.

 

Sebastian heard the message and his heart sank. A puncture meant coming in to pit. What was worse he'd only just gone past the pitlane before all this happened, so now he had nearly a full lap to make it round. He tried not to slow too much, hoping that it might only be a tiny issue but once he got onto the long Reta Opposta straight Seb started to feel it. Then without warning the whole tyre started to disintegrate and he was left trying to wrangle the car along with the tyre carcass flapping around in the pouring rain. It took all that he had just to keep in a straight line as the imbalance resulting from the problem threw forces all through the car.

He hung onto the steering wheel and slowed as much as he could to control it. Within moments the car was down to three wheels and Seb could feel it dipping towards the missing tyre at the rear. The Williams he'd been fighting drove past, seemingly unaffected and Seb let out his frustration on the radio.

“Fucking idiot. What was he playing at there? I had the line!”

“Seb can you bring her in?”

Sebastian let out a huffed breath, trying to manage himself as well as the car as he wound his way painfully round. The other Williams had gone by now, then Dan. Very soon it would be the entire grid and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Yeah. I think so.”

Damn, damn, damn.

 

On the commentary they were analysing the incident again before cutting back to the present to show Sebastian struggling around, playing out his delayed radio.

“...idiot. What was he playing at there? I had the line!”

Mark shook his head. Seb _had_ had the bloody line. Any fool could see that apart from the commentators apparently who seemed to think Sebastian should have given the Williams more space in this weather. Mark huffed. What was Seb supposed to have done? Meekly moved out of the way and waved Bottas through? What kind of racing driver did that?

He sighed and rubbed his face, thankful only that it hadn't been worse. Mark was trying not to think about how easily that could have been a full-on crash. He was also trying to contain his worries about how far Seb had to go in a car running on three wheels. When the tyre had fallen apart, the sight of his car weaving on track had scared the life out of Mark. For now he was only relieved that Seb was managing to get round at all. If he could just get to the pits and get a new set of tyres he might just be okay.

 

 

Unfortunately the further round he got, the more Seb's car was trailing to the left. He could feel the underside scraping along the track and Sebastian got on the radio to ask them what he should do.

“Just bring her home Seb. Slow right down.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian found himself feeling oddly calm. He was pissed off with Valtteri for screwing his race, but he couldn't give in to emotion when it was taking so much of his energy to control the car. The switch-back curves towards the end of the circuit were like a kart track and it was a nightmare making his way through the bends as the car fought back even at the lowest speed Seb could keep going at.

It seemed an eternity before he reached the pit-lane entry and pulled in, crawling along the pitlane to stop outside the RedBull garage where the team were all out waiting for him. As soon as he halted they were all over the car, the tyre crew leaping into action to change the tyres while others looked at the rear left of the car to see how much damage there was. Seb was ready to pull away again when in his rear mirror he saw one of the guys frantically waving his hands in a cross gesture and the pitstop light in front of him remained red.

Sebastian knew he was in trouble before Christian came on the radio.

“Sorry Sebi there's too much suspension damage.”

His mouth opened a little. Seb had known it was bad, but he hadn't realised it was _that_ bad. A couple of the guys were at the rear corner of the car where the damage was, making one last check to see that there wasn't something they could do to repair it, but there was no hope. This wasn't like WEC where you could take a spell in the garage and live to fight on. If it wasn't a simple tweak possible in seconds in the pitlane, in F1 you were done. Seb was done.

Before he knew it there was a trolley under the car and he was being rolled backwards into the garage. Sebastian still trying to come to terms with the fact that his race was over even while he sat there, helplessly being towed away out of sight.

 

 

Mark had his head in his hands. Over. It was all over. Just like that. Sebastian hadn't even got half way through the race. To Mark's mind Seb was totally innocent in that incident and after all he'd done to get there it was over.

The commentators seemed to have changed their tune as well. Now they were busy saying how sad it was that this had happened and discussing whether a penalty might be coming Bottas's way or if it was a racing incident. Even Mark had to agree that in the rain these things were trickier, but he couldn't see why a driver like Bottas would take such a stupid risk when there was another straight coming up where he had chance of a simple overtake. In the dry maybe, but in the wet? It made no sense.

He sighed as the camera showed Seb sat in his car, his visor still down. Mark knew what that meant; Seb was upset. Rightly so, but Mark hated that Seb was upset almost more than he hated the fact he was out of the race. Mark knew he ought to be there in the garage to meet him. He could go out the back of the garage and at least give him a hug to cheer him up. It wasn't fair.

Mark pulled out his phone and quickly sent Sebastian a text telling him to ring as soon as he could, then set it down on his lap as he watch Seb climbing out of the car, removing his helmet speaking to the guys around him. Seb wore something close to a wry smile on his face as spoke to the mechanics. Although you couldn't hear what was said, Mark would bet all that he had that Seb was apologising to them. The thought alone made him want to cry.

 

 

Sebastian worked his way around the garage. He tried not to let them see how disappointed he was and told them he was sorry to see all their efforts go for naught, only for them all to sympathise in turn and make dark comments about the person they saw as the guilty party still being on track. Everyone in the garage was looking at him as if he was a wounded puppy. He didn't want people feeling sorry for him so Sebastian fixed on a smile and set his shoulders back. He went over to the engineers and spoke with them before reaching Britta at the back.

“Ah _Seb_.”

Sebastian shrugged back. What could you do?

“Maybe I cut it too fine. I knew he was coming up,” he admitted.

“Hmm. It didn't look very wise for him to take such a risk to me.”

“Yeah. I was ahead.”

“You were.”

“Could you see on television?”

“Pretty much. There was a lot of spray,” Britta admitted.

“Right. I suppose it's possible he skidded a bit, there was a lot of water there.”

“Yeah, yeah I guess so,” sighed Britta.

They paused for a second while they both gathered themselves. Britta gave his arm a rub and it reminded Seb that it wasn't her touch he wanted. He wished Mark was here, but of course that couldn't be.

“We should go get the pen out of the way,” suggested Britta.

“Yeah. Just... I just want to grab my phone, let my family know I'm okay.”

“Of course.”

  
Sebastian went to scoop up his bag and found his phone, seeing a string of messages waiting. He only scanned the ones from Mark and the rest of his family before exiting and sending a quick group text telling them all that he was fine and he would call them as soon as he was able, then put his phone reluctantly away and followed Britta back out.

 

Mark read Seb's text sadly while seeing the race progress on without him. He didn't care what happened in it now. It seemed totally unimportant. Mark sent another back, and waited to see if they showed Sebastian being interviewed, getting his wish only five minutes later.

 

 

 

Sebastian stoically shrugged to his latest interviewer in the empty pen, saying the standard things about the weather making life difficult and commenting that it just wasn't his day as he sheltered under Britta's large umbrella.

“Do you blame Bottas?”

Seb shrugged.

“I've not watched it back. It was wet, I couldn't see him, never mind judge how close he was. I suspect it was the same for Valtteri.”

“You sound very sanguine about it?”

Seb gave another shrug.

“You didn't sound so forgiving on the radio,” the interviewer pointed out.

“Yeah well that's the heat of the moment.”

“So you're not annoyed with him?”

“Like I say, I'll have to watch it back. It's tricky conditions out there.”

“It must be very disappointing to be knocked out of the race.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian tried a smile but it didn't quite work.

 

Watching on television, Mark really thought he might cry at that. He wanted to reach into the TV and pluck Seb out through it so he could hold him tight.

 

“Just not to be I guess,” offered Sebastian.

“It looked very close, just a matter of an inch the wrong way. It seems you were unlucky.”

Sebastian gave a slight tip of his head. It was unlucky. Then again, the word reminded him of what Mark had said.

“Mm, yeah you know,” Seb let out a little sigh, “it depends how you look at it. It was only a puncture when it could have been a lot more serious in that weather. If you see it that way, then I'm really very lucky.”

“I guess that's a better way of approaching it,” agreed the interviewer.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah well I've had some pretty strong lessons in gaining perspective on things. Eight weeks ago I was counting getting up the stairs as a victory, now I'm racing again. Even if it's not worked out as I hoped today, I appreciate the chance to be here, to be stood talking to you having walked away from an incident that could have been a lot worse. So I'm very grateful really.”

There were a number of microphones and cameras pointed at him but they had all quieted as Sebastian spoke. Getting no follow-up question Seb shrugged once again.

“I know how fortunate I am.”

He looked directly into the camera and hoped that Mark would be seeing this.

The interviewer recovered herself and spoke again to round things up.

“Well that's good to hear. So you'll be back to fight another day at the next race?”

“Absolutely. Onwards and upwards.”

With that he glanced at Britta by his side and she moved him on to get this over with as soon as possible.

 

As the coverage cut back to the track, the commentators noted how pragmatic Sebastian had sounded.

“Very sensible from Seb there,” noted Crofty.

“It's the only attitude to take,” concurred Martin. “Seb is a bright boy and he knows there's not point kicking up a fuss over a racing incident. The stewards will have their say and he'll move on. Looking at the incident again it seems Bottas really did misjudge that one rather than Seb cutting in, but in this weather he's right, it could have been far worse.”

“I'm sure we're all grateful it wasn't.”

“Of course. Yes. Really very disappointing that Sebastian should DNF after how hard he's fought to return to racing, but he's right, he gets another chance in a couple of weeks. I'm sure he's a strong enough character to put this behind him and pick himself back up again to move on.”

 

Mark closed his eyes and put the television on mute. He couldn't bear to hear any more. They had no idea how strong a character Seb really was. Mark hoped Seb was coping as well as he sounded. When he'd looked down the camera it felt as though he was looking right at him. Mark tried to take a calming breath, knowing that it was good that Seb seemed to be handling his disappointment. Everything he said was true and Mark was grateful beyond words that the incident hadn't been worse, but it still felt so damn unfair. Only minutes ago Mark had been dreaming of a podium finish for Seb to match his own, now he was having to be grateful Seb had walked away. Mark stared at the phone in his lap, hoping it would ring.

 

 

Fifteen minutes later Mark's phone burst into life and he snatched it up to answer.

“Seb?”

“Hey.”

Sebastian's voice sounded so empty it made Mark want to cry again.

“Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry.”

“Yeah.” Seb sighed. “I don't know. I guess it could have been worse. Did you see it?”

“Of course I did. Yeah, just as long as you're okay darling, that's all that matters okay?”

“Okay.”

“You are alright aren't you?” checked Mark.

Sebastian shuffled back where he sat on his little bed in his room at the motorhome. The race was still running and he was already back in here. It didn't seem right.

“I guess.”

“Like you said darling, it could have been worse. I'm just so grateful it wasn't. I was so...” Mark let out a sigh, hardly knowing how to describe it. “It scared me, just for a moment I thought he was really going to go into you.”

“Yeah. I'm sorry Mark.”

“No I don't mean to blame you. I'm just saying you're right; the main thing is that you're okay.”

“I wasn't even sure if he'd hit me.”

Mark nodded. It had been pretty ambiguous on screen too.

“Just a glance I think. It looked like his front-wing scratched your wheel.”

“Yeah that's what it seems.”

“And when it really went, the tyre. God that looked horrible,” added Mark.

“No it wasn't fun,” agreed Seb.

His voice sounded hollow and Mark hated it.

“Oh darling I'm so so sorry. You were going so well. You made the right call on tyres and I really thought you were going to hold third. You deserved to.”

“Mm, well...”

“It wasn't your fault.”

“They're saying racing incident.”

“I don't care. It wasn't your fault. You were in the lead. He pushed too hard. He _was_ an idiot to do that there.”

Sebastian picked up on the word.

“They played the radio?”

“Yeah.” Mark finally smiled. “You sounded pretty hacked off.”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“I was, but now... I don't know, maybe it's just one of those things.”

“Yeah. It is.”

“Yeah.” Seb took in another deep breath. “Yeah I know. These things happen, just... I could have done without it.”

“Of course.”

“I wish you were here,” admitted Seb.

Mark closed his eyes, hating that he wasn't.

“Me too darling. I really wish I was. Close your eyes, I'm going to give you a hug.”

Sebastian didn't bother telling Mark they were already closed, he just accepted the hug as gratefully as he did the fact he was sitting here at all.

 

“Thank you Liebling.”

“I just wish I was really there to give it.”

“Yeah.”

Seb took in another lungful of air and pushed it out again, then reopened his eyes.

“I guess it's only a few hours now and you can give me that hug.”

“True. Just a few hours darling. I can't wait to see you.”

Sebastian managed a little smile.

“Me too. It's felt like weeks not days.”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“Too right it has. Ah Seb I'm just so sorry. I really thought you were on for a podium there.”

“Mm.”

“Sorry. I don't mean to rub it in.”

“No, it's okay. I'm just glad we've got your podium to celebrate.”

Mark sighed. He didn't feel much like celebrating.

“That doesn't matter now.”

Sebastian sat up, his voice suddenly more animated.

“Of _course_ it matters. You did so well Mark. Don't let this spoil it. I'm so proud of you Liebling. You deserve to be happy.”

“I'll be happy when I see you.”

“Me too.”

Mark nodded.

“You did your best darling, nobody could say you didn't deserve that place. I'm sure the stewards just let him off because it was wet.”

“Yeah I guess. It doesn't really matter. I don't think I care so much about it, just that it ended my race that's all. It was really hard in the rain there.”

“Yeah, okay but just so long as you know it wasn't your fault.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Seb?”

“Yeah okay. I did try to bring her round in one piece.”

“Course you did.”

“I didn't realise how much damage there was.”

“No, well... nothing you could do.”

“Spose not.”

“You'll be alright?”

“Yeah.” Seb tried to pick his voice up. “I'll be okay Liebling and I'll see you soon now won't I?”

“You will. Your flight's still okay isn't it?”

“Yeah. Take-off's midnight. I should get in about 1.30pm UK time.”

“Good, well mine's in a few hours too and I'll get in not too long after you.”

 

It had taken a little persuading of their respective logistics teams to find flights that matched, coming in from opposite sides of the world to meet at Heathrow, but they'd got pretty lucky in the end. Sebastian ought to only have half an hour or so to wait until Mark arrived and they would finally be reunited.

“I can't wait Liebling. I'll really be alright. I'm just looking forwards to seeing you now.”

“Me too.”

“I've got to get on.”

“Oh okay.”

“Sorry. I just need to grab a shower, call my family and then I want to get back down to the garage.”

“Okay, well fair enough then. The team are being alright aren't they?”

“Yeah. I think they're more pissed off with Bottas than I am.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Good. As it should be. Alright then darling, well take care.”

“Are you going to get some sleep now?” checked Sebastian.

Mark looked at the time, just gone two am.

“Guess I might as well.”

“Do. You must be so tired,” insisted Seb.

Mark had to agree. He hadn't been before, but now Seb's race was over, he did feel tired.

“Okay, well I'll get a few hours in then I'll be heading to the airport. I'll drop you a text to let you know.”

“Sure.”

“But if you need me in the meantime, just call sweetheart, I won't mind.”

Sebastian smiled at how readily Mark offered up his sleep for interruption.

“I'll be alright Mark. Just finishing up stuff now then I'll be off to the airport as well.”

“Okay then, well take care and remember not to let the press get to you.”

“I won't, besides I've got Britta haven't I?”

Mark smiled and nodded, glad that Seb had her there to look out for him. He knew he could trust Britta to do her best to stop the press from trying to make today any worse.

 

“Sure. Alright then, well see you soon then darling.”

“I can't wait.”

“Me neither. Less then twenty-four hours now.”

“Yeah, I'm gonna try and sleep on the flight, that'll make it seem less.”

“Me too.”

“Okay. I've really got to go. Love you.”

“Love you too. Take care darling.”

“Bye Liebling, see you soon.”

“See you soon.”

 

Sebastian hung up and let his hand fall to the side on the bed. He wasn't sure if he felt better or worse for that call. Even the twenty or so hours they had to wait until they were back together still felt like an eternity. He sighed and pushed it away. Seb knew he needed to stay as busy as possible until he could leave this place and make the journey home.

 

 

Mark replied to a couple of the messages that had come through on his phone, letting his family know that he had spoken to Seb and he was really okay as well as replying to Fabian agreeing that, yes, Valtteri clearly was blind as a bat and stupid to boot. Deep down Mark knew it really had been a tricky moment in bad weather and Valtteri had only made a slight misjudgement, but he wasn't feeling very charitable right now. He smiled at Fabian's reply and sent a text back saying he hoped his mother hadn't seen him use language like that, finishing by reminding Seb's little brother that racing was just like this sometimes, it wasn't fair but Seb knew that too and he'd be fine.

Mark hoped that was true. He re-sent Seb the picture message from earlier.

MARK: Don't forget this, okay sweetheart. Love you. Counting down the hours now. X

 

 

Sebastian picked up the message after he'd changed and spoken to his family to assure them he was fine. He smiled and nodded, taking a moment to send a quick reply before dashing down to meet Britta.

SEB: Thank you Liebling. Will do. I'm counting down too. Love you. Now go to sleep!

Rubbish as he felt, it still made Sebastian smile to think of Mark lying in bed sending him little messages. His parents had only been concerned that he was okay but Fabian had been entertainingly outraged on his behalf and it was nice to know he had such backing. There had been similar texts from his sisters each with varying degrees of emphasis on sympathy and annoyance on his behalf. As he walked downstairs Sebastian tried to remind himself that it really wasn't the end of the world. It was shit, but it wasn't a disaster. Mark was right, he just had to keep swimming.

 

Once back in the garage Seb got another few words with his guys and then nipped out across the pitlane standing under the cover of the pitwall roof to get a sympathetic half-hug from Christian.

“Ah Seb,” sighed his boss. “Really very bad luck.”

Sebastian nodded heavily.

“Yeah I don't know, maybe I should have given him more space but I really couldn't see him.”

“No course not. Ah well.”

“I did try to slow for the in-lap,” justified Sebastian.

“Yeah I know. It was too far to go. Don't worry about it now.”

“How's Dan doing?”

“Alright. Still fifth but we're going to try to jump the Williams with the next pitstop.”

“Right.”

Sebastian glanced over to the screens and saw that Lewis was still in the lead. At least this day was going well for someone. They both looked out as the sky started to lighten discernibly and the rain turned to drizzle.

“Think it might stop soon,” noted Christian.

Sebastian coughed an ironic little laugh. Of course it was. This couldn't have happened an hour ago?

“I'll be in the garage,” Sebastian informed his boss.

“Sure. Don't take it too much to heart will you, eh Sebi?”

Seb gave a little shake of his head and checked his path was clear before crossing back over the pitlane to spend the rest of the race in the garage, splitting his time between watching the race unfold and seeing his guys working on his car. There was no urgency to the task but at least it kept them busy.

 

 

 

 

A relatively few hours later Sebastian sat around at the airport on his own. Given the lateness of the hour most of the team were catching a flight home in the morning but Seb couldn't wait to leave. He'd checked in and found a space to sit and wait with his hand-luggage, plenty of time to kill before his plane was scheduled to depart. Far more than was necessary really but once Seb had completed his duties at the track he hadn't wanted to hang around so he'd come straight here.

He'd actually seen Bottas in the paddock after the race and been given an apology for the incident which Sebastian had accepted. It had been an awkward moment, but Seb knew he just had to take it and move on. Maybe he wasn't entirely blameless in the incident himself? Certainly he hadn't been willing to back down going into that corner and if he had, perhaps he could have held onto fourth place? Maybe, maybe? Who knew? The truth was Sebastian didn't think he would do much different if he had his time over. It was easy to be wise with hindsight, but as his boss had pointed out in the debrief, Seb had been racing. Better to fight and lose than not to try.

Seb hadn't managed to see Lewis at all after the race, but he'd sent a message of congratulations. He'd considered swinging by the motorhome but Seb knew that it would be swamped with media and besides, being around the jubilant Mercedes team celebrating his second championship with them in a row, might just be a bit too much to cope with right now.

Sebastian arranged his bag by his feet and looked to see he could see an announcement board from where he sat. He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket and pulled it out, expecting it to be Mark but it was actually Lewis, finally getting around to say thank you.

LEWIS: Cheers man, crazy day. Hope you're okay?

Seb smiled, thinking it was very thoughtful of his friend to remember his misfortune even in the midst of his success.

SEB: Thanks. Yeah just one of those days.

LEWIS: We're having a bit of a party back at the hotel. You could join us if you like?

Sebastian coughed a little laugh wondering what it would be like to stroll into a room full of Mercedes employees toasting Lewis's victory. He imagined a frosty silence descending as they all stopped to look at him. Maybe they'd be too busy enjoying themselves to notice, but Seb wasn't sure he really would have been in the mood even if he was brave enough to have gone.

SEB: Thanks but I'm at the airport already. My flight's in a couple of hours.

LEWIS: Ah right, well say hi to Mark for me.

SEB: Will do. Congrats again. Well deserved. I didn't even need to let you by or anything, who'd have thought? ;)

 

Sebastian sent that last message then wondered why he was wasting time sending texts to Lewis when he could be calling Mark. He had spoken to him when Mark had rung on waking, just to check he was okay. Sebastian had been glad he had been about to leave when Mark called, all the stresses of the circuit soon to be behind him. The team had been fine, but once the race had finished Sebastian had been stuck with a few more media sessions that seemed interminable.

It wasn't that they had been particularly cruel, but even well-meant sympathy was wearing after a while. He didn't know what they expected him to say other than it was unfortunate. Seb had lost count of the number of times he'd been asked if he was disappointed. Of course he was disappointed. What did they expect him to do? Sit there and cry about it? He wasn't going to do that. He wouldn't give them the satisfaction. Besides, there was only one person Seb could cry to and he didn't want to do that either. He didn't want to make Mark worry about him, especially when he was due to go on a long journey. Seb didn't want to bring Mark down. He deserved to be happy after his great result.

Seb pressed dial and Mark picked up quickly.

“Hey, you're checked in then?”

“Yep, just waiting around now.”

“How long have you got?”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Nearly three hours. You?”

“Just another hour. Think they'll call us in twenty minutes or so.”

“Righto.”

“You're okay?”

“Yeah fine. I'm just gonna call this weekend a right-off.”

Mark sat wondering what to say to that.

“You did do well though darling. You coped really well with everything. At least take that with you.”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian thought about it, Mark was right.

“I guess. Yeah I suppose I got through it even when I thought I couldn't.”

“Of course you did. I knew you would.”

Seb smiled. Mark nice warm voice was so reassuring. He always said the right thing to make him feel better.

 

“Thanks. Okay well I think I'm just going to find some food. I'd have a coffee but I want to sleep.”

“Yeah me too. I keep thinking I'm going to drop off sitting here and miss my flight.”

“Oh god don't say that Mark.”

Mark chuckled at the worry in Seb's voice.

“Ah not really mate, I'll keep my eyes propped open until I get on board then it's earphones on and when I wake up I'll be home.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I can't wait to be home.”

“Me too darling, me too.”

Sebastian let out a sigh and Mark heard it.

“You're really doing okay aren't you?” Mark checked.

“Yeah I'm okay. I'm just looking forwards to seeing you.”

“Me too. You're alright on your own aren't you?”

“Course.” Seb huffed a little laugh. “Although it turns out I'm missing a party.”

“Huh?”

Daniel had finished fourth in the end, the under-cut only proving enough to get past one Williams not both, so Mark couldn't think think why the team would be celebrating.

“Lewis. He sent me a text saying I could go along.”

Mark laughed.

“Oh. Ah well I guess that's nice of him. Maybe you should have stuck around?”

Seb gave a tiny shake of his head.

“No chance. Minute I could I was out of there. I wish this flight was earlier.”

“Mm, ah well, soon enough.”

“Yeah.”

 

They chatted for a while longer about nothing in particular. Mark grateful for the fact it was keeping his brain alert when he was really very tired. He kept one eye on the board and saw his flight number pop up with a boarding message moments before an announcement came over the tannoy telling Mark the same thing.

“Okay sweetheart, they're calling my flight. I've got to go.”

“Oh, okay.”

Sebastian tried not to sound too disappointed but it was pretty hard to hide.

“Sorry.”

“No of course. Okay Liebling well have a safe journey.”

“Yeah you too. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye then.”

“Bye darling.”

Sebastian waited until he had hung up to let out a long sigh. Nothing for it but to do what he'd told Mark he would and go find some food, keep busy and count down until he was called to his own flight.

 

 

 

As he sat alone, Sebastian thought things though. Today ought to be a disaster but somehow it wasn't. He was okay and Mark was okay and that was what counted. He was going home to see him and they'd be together again. His race might have ended badly but it didn't feel as though it was really his fault. He'd been doing his best and most people seemed to agree with that. He hadn't hidden away and cried like a baby, he'd gone and done all his duties and he'd got through it all.

Sometimes you had bad days. That was racing. Racing was getting through when things didn't go your way and not letting it destroy you. Whatever it took to get through it Seb would do and if that meant relying on Mark to help him when times got tough, then that was just how things were. Mark said he didn't need to change so Seb knew it was okay. He just had to accept that was who he was, it didn't matter what anyone but Mark thought.

 

 

 

On the other side of the world Mark fitted his phone into his pocket, hitched his bag onto his shoulder and re-checked which gate he needed to head to. Half an hour later he was sat in his seat trying to make himself comfortable and shooting off a few quick texts back and forth with Seb before signing off knowing that he was about to get told off for still having his phone on. Sebastian sounded okay. Mark wondered why he was so bothered about Seb having to hang around at the airport on his own for so long. He wasn't a child. Mark knew Seb was perfectly capable of looking after himself, but he still didn't like it.

Maybe it was just that he thought Seb might be left with too much time to contemplate what had gone wrong in his race and Mark would rather be there to cheer him up? Actually scrap that, Mark decided he'd rather Sebastian was here, sat beside him on the same flight. As soon as they could they'd undo their seatbelts, he could lift the dividing arm and they could sit together nicely. That would be so much better. Mark didn't think he'd care how little leg-space he had if that were so. It wasn't to be though, so Mark dutifully pretended to pay attention to the safety demonstrations and waited until they took off before putting his headphones in. He closed his eyes and imagined Seb tucking under his arm to lean against him while Mark squeezed Seb in. Very soon now.

 

 

 

Sebastian woke up as the announcement came on over the plane's tannoy telling him that they were about to come in to land, requesting passengers return their chairs to the upright positions and fasten their seatbelts. He took in a deep breath and rubbed at his face in an attempt to wake himself up. Miracle of miracles Sebastian had managed to sleep through almost the entire flight and had survived without needing any painkillers for headaches. Sleep was a wonderful thing. He sat up a little and prepared for the descent. Nearly there now.

 

 

A little while later Sebastian was walking around in the airport, looking at the screens to check Mark's flight wasn't delayed, grateful that they were coming into the same terminal, saving him having to trek around the place getting lost. Not long now. He dragged his retrieved luggage around with him and stood under the board waiting to see the word 'arrived' appear next Mark's flight. He walked impatiently up and down in front of the coffee shop, knowing that Mark would have to get his own bags and get through customs once he had disembarked. It seemed to be taking forever.

Five minutes, ten. It was gone two o’clock now and Mark's flight was definitely in. One bunch of people came out of the gate and Seb frantically scanned the crowd, but by the looks of them they had just come from a hot holiday destination. That had to be the Florida flight, not Shanghai. He continued to watch until the last person passed him, just in case, but there was no sign. Then a few minutes later another group started to trickle out and Seb was on alert again, bouncing on his toes excitedly by the barrier, hoping that any moment he would see a tall dark-haired figure coming out towards him.

 

 

Mark stood in the queue for customs, his passport out ready, wondering why he always seemed to pick the slowest queue with the most suspicious security guard. He crept forwards, shuffling his belongings up, trying and failing to be patient. Mark had managed to get a good sleep but his body-clock hadn't the first idea what time it was meant to be. He didn't really care as long as Seb's flight had got in before his as it was scheduled to do. Mark didn't want to think how he would feel if he got through those gates and found no Seb waiting for him.

Five long minutes later Mark trailed his bag behind him as he walked with the crowd moving together towards the narrow exit, filtering out into the open space of the arrivals hall. There were plenty of families reuniting, signs being held up for travelling businessmen, people everywhere but Mark only wanted to see one person, one blonde head, one smile.

 

“Mark!”

Mark beamed as he saw a hand frantically waving and had to do his best not to push all the other people out of the way as he rushed forwards. Sebastian abandoned his bags and shot around to greet him, throwing his arms around Mark's neck before either one of them had chance to say another word.

Mark smiled and wrapped his arms around Sebastian in turn as Seb pressed his body up into him. Seb stayed on his toes and squashed his cheek into Mark's, wanting to hold onto him forever. Around them the other people made their own reunions or carried on their way, few paying them much attention as they focussed on their own priorities. Neither Mark nor Seb gave anyone else the slightest bit of attention in turn. All they cared about was being in each other's arms as they had longed to be. The warmest of hugs that felt like home.

Mark gave Seb one more tight squeeze and then loosened his hold, whispering teasingly.

“Are you trying to strangle me mate?”

Sebastian set back down, still keeping his arms around him. He looked up at Mark, unable to stop his eyes from filling with water.

“Oh Liebling, I've missed you _so_ much.”

Mark smiled and leaned in to kiss him, holding Seb close again until they had both calmed down.

“Me too darling.”

Seb relaxed his hold a little, but he felt incapable of breaking body-contact now he had Mark back again.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Horribly.”

Mark gave Seb another quick kiss and looked to make sure he was alright. He gave him a warm smile and rubbed his arm as Seb finally let him go.

“Where's your stuff?”

“Huh? Oh.”

Seb glanced back to see his bags abandoned a few feet away.

“Just there.”

“Right come on, before they're subject to a controlled explosion.”

 

Mark hitched his flight bag up and pulled his case with the same hand so he could spare his other to hold onto Seb's hand as they walked over. Sebastian got his stuff and did the same as Mark, arranging his things on one side so the other was free. He couldn't wipe the smile off his face and was glad to see Mark the same way. He moved in to give Mark's cheek another quick kiss.

“Happy to see me then?” teased Mark.

“Of course I am.”

“Good. Me too.”

“And well done. Really Liebling I'm so pleased for you.”

“Thanks. You're alright aren't you?”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder.

“I just want to forget it now to be honest.”

Mark nodded.

“Fair enough mate. Shall we go home then?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian let out the longest sigh and Mark moved his hand to give his cheek a little stroke.

“I can't wait to get home either,” he assured.

Mark gave Seb another quick kiss, then looked towards the exits.

“Right then sweetheart, let's go find a cab to get ripped off by and we'll be home soon.”

 

They both managed their luggage on opposite sides and started to walk along to go outside. Mark slung his arm around Sebastian and Seb in turn slipped his arm around Mark's middle to walk pressed into one another's side.

Together again and very soon home. Better than any result, that was the best feeling in the world.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With thanks to TorqueToMe for the word 'cwtch', I just like it and thought it would fit well with how Mark and Seb feel about it too here.
> 
>  
> 
> Apologies if there are any typos in this. I've hurt my wrist and today I'm typing with my left hand.


	104. Cold hands, warm hearts

 

 

 

Once finally home they were so tired and confused by all the time differences that they did little more than greet their thrilled dogs and sit in a happy pile together on the sofa drinking tea and half watching some of the things that had been recorded whilst they were away. They sent messages to their family to let them know they were home safe, but beyond that they didn't feel capable of much conversation. Mark knew there were things that Seb might need to talk through, but Seb's response to the few prompts Mark gave was that he wanted to put off thinking about anything more than being glad to be home, taking far more comfort from the physical contact they had both missed so badly than anything words could offer.

The most they managed later on was to stick dinner in the oven while they took the dogs out for a walk. A breath of fresh air did help them feel better, even if the weather was far colder than the countries they had spent the last weeks in.

As Sebastian sat chatting with Mark over the kitchen table, the dogs winding around their legs, he truly didn't care about the race just gone. All he cared about was that his life now gave him this. Away from the paddock all its petty concerns faded into insignificance.

Settling back in on the sofa with the dogs content at their feet, they tried to watch a film but within twenty minutes Mark had fallen asleep. Seb had to rescue his half-drunk mug of tea from spilling and set it on the coffee table. Mark was leaning into Sebastian's side and slipped slightly sideways as Seb moved and he had to set him straight to stop him slumping over. Sebastian smiled to see Mark like this, his chin lolling to sink to his chest, his body slack. Seb tried to sit him up a little as he returned to his place beside Mark, leaning into the sofa cushions, facing towards him. Sebastian worked it out; eight pm at home meant three in the morning in Shanghai. No wonder Mark was tired. Seb gave his arm a gentle shake.

“Mark.”

Mark's head shifted a little and his face twitched as he mumbled an indistinct response. Seb leaned in closer and gave him another shake.

“Liebling wake up.”

Mark's eyes flickered partially open.

“Hmm?

Seb smiled.

“Don't you want to go to bed?”

Mark dropped his head onto Sebastian's shoulder and leaned into him again.

“ _Mark._ ”

“Mmphh.”

“Bed?”

“Mmm.”

Two long arms slunk around Sebastian to pull him closer. Seb smiled, enjoying they way Mark wanted him. On Mark's face he could see a sleepy smile residing. Seb twisted his head round to give Mark a little kiss to see if that got through to him. Mark succeeded in lazily meeting the kiss, but his eyes remained shut.

“Don't you want to take me to bed and make love to me all night long?” teased Seb, sure that Mark could hear him.

Mark's smile widened and his eyes opened a fraction.

“Mmm, absolutely darling.”

“Good. We actually going to go up then?”

“Mmm.”

Mark's eyes had fallen shut again as he rested into him.

“We could just do it here,” commented Seb, as if just in passing.

“Mm.”

Sebastian started giggling, unsure whether Mark really understood what he was saying. It was so rare to see Mark this way, he was clearly totally worn out.

“Maybe I should have just stayed for that party with Lewis?” teased Seb.

Mark's head jerked up.

“What?”

Seb grinned at him.

“Oh that got your attention. Come on Liebling, you're knackered. Let's go up.”

 

Sebastian helped Mark stand and they got themselves upstairs to get ready for bed, shooing off the dogs to the kitchen when they looked hopefully to see if they might be permitted to accompany their beloved masters upstairs. As they finally settled into bed Mark stretched out and cuddled Seb up close, giving him a kiss on the cheek as Sebastian wrapped himself around Mark, finding the most comfortable way to lie together.

Mark let out a long sigh.

“I don't know why I'm so tired. I slept for about ten hours on my flight.”

“Yeah but your body-clock is screwed.”

“Mm, true. Are you tired?”

Seb gave a little shrug against him.

“I dunno. Don't care. This is nice.”

“Mmm,” agreed Mark, leaning in to kiss Sebastian properly, the movement slow as his breathing. It did feel nice, just as Seb said, comfortable, easy, familiar.

As they broke for air Mark gave Seb another squeeze which Seb returned. He smiled at him softly.

“Didn't you mention something about making love all night long?” remembered Mark.

Sebastian smiled back.

“Oh you were listening then?”

“It's the sort of thing I notice,” smiled Mark.

Seb stroked his hand along Mark's torso where he held onto him.

“So?” he prompted.

Mark huffed a little laugh. It was such a nice idea, one that he had been entertaining almost every night while they were parted, but he was exhausted now.

“Mm, I think, just give me a minute. I just need a little rest, then I'll be, yeah...”

Sebastian laughed gently in reply.

“Absolutely Liebling. No rush.”

“Mmm.”

Mark leaned in to kiss Seb again, slow and deep. He pulled away with a sigh and set his head back on the pillow to rest his eyes for a moment. Sebastian snuggled into his shoulder and watched as Mark's breathing fell into a steady rhythm. Mark was fast asleep. In truth Seb hadn't expected anything different. He didn't mind. Just to be lying pressed together like this was really was enough for now.

 

 

 

It took Sebastian some time to fall asleep and he woke a couple of times through the night, some part of his subconscious needing reassurance about where he was and that Mark was there. Each time Seb woke he shuffled himself in to make sure that he was tucked up properly with Mark whose arm remained around him.

Then in turn Mark woke early and saw that Seb had slipped down to rest on his chest, placing the side of his face over Mark's heart to be lulled to sleep there. He smiled and kissed the top of Seb's head, laughing slightly as Seb snuffled against him in response. Mark had no intention of waking him. If Sebastian was tired he should sleep. It wasn't even light yet and Mark couldn't be bothered to check the time. It didn't matter. Today was their day off. They'd talked vaguely of doing all the things that made up their routine at home, but there was no need to rush, breakfast was a moveable feast today.

It was a good long while before Sebastian lifted his head to see Mark watching him. Mark smiled as Seb shuffled himself up along his side and greeted him with a kiss.

“Morning darling.”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Morning Liebling. Have you been awake long?”

“A while. The joy of jet-lag.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and Mark loved the way his body vibrated with it as he lay against him, Seb all warm and soft in his arms. He gave him another kiss, then Sebastian pressed their cheeks together. Mark smoothed his free hand over Seb's skin and whispered in his ear.

“I believe I failed to take you up on a very nice offer last night.”

Sebastian lifted his head up and tweaked his eyebrows at him, feeling much more awake all of a sudden. He wanted to tease Mark that he couldn't have been that bothered if he'd fallen asleep instead and maybe the offer was off now, but he didn't have it in him.

 

“It's a standing offer.”

Mark chuckled.

“Oh really? Well that is generous. Any chance I could take you up on it now?”

“Every chance if you're not going to fall asleep again.”

“I'm definitely not going to fall asleep,” Mark promised.

Seb shifted to lie on top of him, leaning a little weight into his elbows as he positioned his face directly above Mark's. He gave him a quick kiss then before Mark's hands could settle into holding him there, Seb pushed his upper body up and set his legs to straddle Mark, deliberately moving his body to rub his crotch into Mark's, grinning to get exactly he reaction he had been aiming for. Mark groaned and lifted his hips to meet him. He certainly wasn't tired any more.

 

A while later they lay in switched positions, hardly knowing how they had got there. Mark's body was crushed into Seb's, their hands with fingers tightly laced either side of Sebastian's head on the pillow. Their foreheads lay pressed damply together, noses slotted alongside leaving just enough room to attempt to pull some oxygen back into their lungs. Sebastian had his eyes closed, still lost in the moment. Enough light leaked into the room through the drawn curtains for Mark to be able to see Seb's eyelashes so close to his own. As those eyelashes flickered open Mark lifted his head a fraction to try to read that he was okay.

“Alright?”

Sebastian tried to take a deep breath, but Mark was heavy against his chest. Mark could feel Sebastian’s body making the attempt, so he put more weight into his elbows at Seb's sides and lifted off a little.

Sebastian took another attempt at the breath and let his legs fall from their position wrapped around Mark. He didn't like to move too soon, but they really needed to now. He gave Mark a little nod and Mark nodded back, giving him a kiss before shifting carefully to set down on the bed, sliding an arm under Seb to pull him back in to lie partially across him.

Seb sighed out, still feeling a little dazed. He stretched to reach his cheek up to rub against Mark's stubbled jaw, the soft against the rough. He'd missed this so badly. Mark answered the gesture then turned his head further to steal another kiss. He hadn't realised he had closed his eyes until he reopened them to see Sebastian now smiling at him.

“Happy darling?”

Sebastian gave him a little nod, then took in another deep breath and sighed it out.

“That was lovely,” he offered, his voice still somewhat dreamy.

Mark grinned, thinking what a sweet description that was. He didn't care that Seb didn't call it mind-blowing. Nothing wrong with taking things a little slower, a little more relaxed. Gentle, like Seb was, and all the better for it just the same.

“Good.”

 

Seb let out another sigh, the smile remaining and Mark thought how wonderful it was to be able to make him smile like that, happiness and love shining from Seb's eyes as he gazed back at him.

“Do we need to get up?” asked Sebastian.

“No.” Mark chuckled against him. “Not until Pauline gets here anyway.”

Sebastian's eyes blinked wider open.

“What?”

“It's Tuesday. When I texted her we were back she said she'd be round as usual, but...”

Mark let go one arm to reach blindly to the side for his phone, grabbing it up to check the time.

“...not for a couple of hours yet.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian relaxed against him.

“Good. I just want to stay like this for a bit.”

“Yep, me too,” agreed Mark, making sure he wrapped Seb up tight again.

No rush, they had all the time in the world. Neither one wanted to be parted even an inch and they were going to make the most of the opportunity they had to stay this way as long as they could.

 

 

By the time Pauline got there she walked into the kitchen to find the pair sat eating breakfast. She smiled and told them not to get up but neither listened as they abandoned their meal to stand and give her welcoming hugs. She beamed happily to be so greeted, the dogs also jumping up out of their baskets to say hello. She gave them a little rub.

“Have they been good then?” asked Mark.

“Of course. Good as gold for your Auntie Pauline aren't you?” she smiled.

“How are you both anyway? Glad to be home I'm guessing?”

“God yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

She gave him a sympathetic smile.

“Such a shame dear, you were going so well.”

“You were watching?”

“Of course I was. I always watch if I can. Got to keep an eye on my boys haven't I?”

Mark smiled, it wasn't just the dogs that had an Auntie Pauline looking out for them. He put an arm around Seb as they stood by the table.

“He's alright, aren't you sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I think we're just going to count Austin for me.”

“I think that's best. You did wonderfully. You should have seen all the papers the next day,” praised Pauline.

“Oh?”

“Mm, very impressed they were. As they should be of course.”

“Absolutely,” concurred Mark.

“Mark did even better. He got second,” noted Seb.

“Yes, it was very exciting, even my Henry watched the end with me.”

“Wow that really is something,” smiled Mark, thinking that Pauline had dropped more than a few hints over the years that her husband hadn't the first idea about motor-racing, much less who he was other than his wife's employer.

“Indeed.” Pauline took in a breath. “Right then, I should get on. I wasn't sure you'd be up to be honest.”

“Neither were we,” smiled Seb.

“Well you finish your breakfast and I'll hoover the lounge out of your way.”

“Do you want a cup of tea?” Mark offered.

“Oh no dear, I'm fine.”

“There's plenty in the pot?” added Seb.

“When I'm done maybe, thank you. You sit yourselves down.”

Seb and Mark did as instructed, coaxing the dogs to sit with them when they showed signs of following their housekeeper, thinking it might be time for walkies. As Pauline turned to pull the kitchen door shut behind her she saw how closely the pair were sitting and the way they kept looking at one another. She smiled and shook her head before going to haul the hoover out from the cupboard under the stairs. Such nice boys, so thoughtful and polite. She'd worried dreadfully over Sebastian rushing back to racing so soon and been very relieved to see him get a marvellous result in America, only to have such a contrast the week after. He looked alright though and no doubt Mark was looking after him. At least they were home again now. They deserved a rest.

 

A little while later she came back through to find the couple had beaten her to the washing up and she shooed them off to let her do the cleaning in there before she caught them trying to do that too.

“We're going to do our run now,” explained Sebastian.

“Oh are you? Very good.”

“So you'll probably be gone when we're done, but we wanted to ask, well, umm I know we're only just back, but we were thinking of popping over to see my family next weekend, so would you mind looking after the dogs again?”

“Ah, okay.”

“If you're busy we could just leave more food out. It'd just be Saturday, Sunday,” added Mark, thinking they could get up early to walk them on the Saturday and the dogs would survive until they got back on Sunday evening.

“No no, that's fine, I can fit it around things,” she agreed.

“You're sure? I know it's short notice,” added Seb.

“Of course, it's no trouble. I'm sure your family will be very glad to see you. You will give my regards to your mother won't you?”

“Sure. Thanks Pauline, you're a life-saver.”

Sebastian smiled at her and Pauline reflected it. How could she say no to a smile like that?

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian sat in Dr. Menton's office on the Thursday afternoon. It almost felt like bringing the week down to be here, but he knew it would be good to gain a little perspective. Mark always made him feel better, but the visit to the factory yesterday had reminded him of how hard he had found returning to racing and Sebastian hoped his psychiatrist might be able to help a little with some of the things he had struggled with.

Seb sat with his cup of tea and told Henry how he had been having a good week since he'd been back, doing all the nice little humdrum things that made up their home life; Going for runs and hanging out getting coffee, taking bike rides when the weather was half-decent, walking the dogs and spending time around the house. They'd managed to fit in quite a few early nights and late morning lie-ins too which had definitely helped maintain their good mood. Not that Sebastian spelt that out to Dr. Menton, but he did want to show him that he was alright now he was home.

 

Dr. Menton let Sebastian set his own pace. He'd followed his fortunes while Seb was away with a combination of consternation and delight. The incident with the protesters in Austin had been particularly disturbing. It infuriated Henry that people could be so cruel and despite the media having little to report in terms of a response from Seb, he knew it had to have distressed him. He'd been tempted to contact him over that, even just a text to let Seb know he could call if it would help, but Henry had held back, knowing that Mark was with him and hoping that meant he was okay.

As the session went on Dr. Menton gently led Sebastian to talk through how things had gone since he last saw him, trying not to input too much, letting Seb to draw his own conclusions.

 

“So anyway, I don't know, I guess it was all very up and down,” Seb admitted.

Dr. Menton nodded.

“Certainly sounds it. I don't think there's anything wrong with allowing yourself to acknowledge that you found things difficult.”

“I suppose I'm glad I got through it.”

“That's certainly an achievement and I think you're right, you're likely to take a while to rebuild your confidence after what you've been through. That's entirely to be expected.”

Sebastian nodded, it did feel better to hear his therapist say the same as Mark, reminding him that it was okay to feel fear and to concentrate on the fact that he had overcome it, rather than punishing himself for feeling it at all.

“So how do you feel now you're home?” asked Henry.

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“Glad to be here.”

Henry smiled.

“Mm, well I'm not surprised, but you don't feel as though you never want to go back?”

Sebastian paused at that. It was really something he could entertain as a possibility.

“Um, no guess not.”

“So you still want to race, even though it can be something of an ordeal to get through?”

“Yeah. I mean that's what I was working for all the time I was ill. To get back racing you know?”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“I can't really imagine life without it,” Seb confessed.

“Well I appreciate that you worked very hard to get back racing, so I'm glad that going through difficult times hasn't put you off too much.”

“Yeah, I don't know about all that... I guess when I think about it, the toughest thing really was Mark not being with me last weekend, but I mean I did get through it.”

Henry nodded.

“You did and you seem in a pretty good place now, so I'd say that shows you're doing very well.”

 

“You said you went into the factory yesterday,” noted Dr. Menton. “How was that?”

Sebastian gave a shrug.

“Fine. We did a debrief and, well yeah I don't think any of us changed our minds from the weekend. I could have backed out, but if I'm going to do that, why bother racing? It was just unfortunate. I'm sure if Valtteri could have the moment back he'd try to get past a different way.”

“Hindsight's a wonderful thing. But you wouldn't change what you did?”

“Hmm, not really... no I don't think so.”

“And you said as much to the team?”

“Yes.”

“And how did they take that?”

“They back me up. They've really been very good all this time.”

“They've been supportive?”

“Yeah. I mean I think they knew I was struggling a little bit a times, but they've been very professional. They never made me feel bad about it.”

Henry frowned a little.

“Would you expect any different?”

Seb shrugged.

“F1's a tough game.”

“But after everything?”

Seb sighed.

“I guess.”

“Have they spoken to you about it?”

Sebastian frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“About their feelings towards you after accident?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“That's really not how it works. We don't all stand around in the garage holding hands. They're tough guys, especially the mechanics. They're good people though, we get on pretty well.”

“How do they handle it then?”

Seb pulled a little face.

“Sunday night in Austin we all went out to get pissed.”

Henry laughed.

“How very British of you.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I'd say living over here is rubbing off on me, but actually Mark and I snuck off for an early night after a couple of drinks.”

“Ah,” smiled Henry. “Well, I'm sure it helped them to let off steam in their own way.”

Seb nodded. He could have said that he and Mark did the same in _their_ own way too, but he chose not to, he was sure Henry was bright enough to work out what 'an early night' meant.

 

“So everyone has their own ways of coping with the stress,” noted Henry.

“Hm?”

Sebastian had been lost then, winding back to just how much Mark and he had enjoyed that early night.

“People cope with stress in different ways. How would you say you cope?”

“Well I do rely on Mark a lot.”

“He wasn't there this weekend gone though.”

“I think I spent half the time on the phone to him. I can't wait to see what out phone bills look like.”

“Well there's nothing wrong with that.”

“Yeah but doesn't it show how much I lean on him?”

Henry looked at Sebastian.

“Why do you see that as a problem?”

Seb shrugged.

“I don't think I manage very well on my own any more.”

“Why should you?”

Sebastian paused at that.

“I... Well... Doesn't that mean I'm too dependant on him?”

Dr. Menton shook his head.

“It doesn't matter what I think, it matters what you think.”

“What _do_ you think though?” challenged Seb.

Henry sighed.

“Seb I think you've had a very difficult time. If you have someone on whom you can rely to help you as best they can, I'd say that's something to celebrate, not to worry about. Don't you agree?”

“I suppose. Yeah I guess... it's just, well yeah I had some pretty rough moments while I was away. I'm not sure I'd have got through them without Mark.”

“But you _did_ have Mark, and you _did_ get through them,” emphasised Dr. Menton. “Whether in person or over the phone doesn't matter. There's nothing wrong with getting the help you need.”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“Yeah I guess. I really did need him at times. Sometimes I hardly know how I picked myself up and went on...”

“But you did go on,” interrupted Dr. Menton.

“Yeah I suppose I did. I had some pretty iffy spells though.”

“Not without cause.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath. Going over it all with Dr. Menton did bring it all back. So much had happened since he last saw him. Tough as it had been he _had_ survived. He could get through things that seemed impossible. Everything horrible that had been thrown at him over the past two weeks: Flight headaches, press ordeals, protesters, traumatic revelations, surviving being alone, coping with problems on track, dealing with fear and disappointing results, everything. He'd coped. Not on his own, but then maybe Henry was right, why should he have to cope with everything on his own?

 

“I guess. Mark's so good though. He helps pick me up and he never minds, you know, when I get all wobbly.”

Henry wanted to sigh. Sebastian was so hard on himself.

“Seb everyone has wobbly moments as you put it.”

“Yeah but I get... pretty emotional at times and Mark, he never makes me feel bad about it.”

“Why should he?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Why should you feel bad about getting emotional?” pressed Dr. Menton.

Sebastian shrugged higher and his psychiatrist knew that meant they were delving into difficult territory.

“You think there's something wrong with having emotions?”

Seb squished his face a bit, he supposed Henry must know this about him anyway.

“I don't just... I cry. I can't help it. When I get really upset, it just spills out and I feel so...”

 

Seb looked down, unable to complete that sentence and Dr. Menton shook his head to see it.

“It's not a crime to be emotional. Even less so when you have very real causes. In addition to that you mentioned it was a side-effect of your injury that it has been heightened of late. It's unlikely to stop just like that,” Dr. Menton pointed out.

Seb looked back up.

“But I'm supposed to be better now?”

“Well I'd advise you talk to your neurologist, but in my opinion I would think that reacting so strongly with minimal cause would be less, but aside from that aspect, can we talk about your general attitude to having emotional reactions, particularly getting upset and crying?”

“I just hate it.”

“But why is that?”

“You're not supposed to.”

“Who isn't?”

“Me. I'm a grown man, not a little girl, I'm not supposed to cry.”

“Forgive me Seb, but that's rubbish. _People_ get upset, _people_ cry. Adhering to stereotypes and traditional expectations of behaviour does you no favours. You've done a huge amount of work in accepting who you are, yet you continue to put yourself down about this and regard it as a failing. Is it just social expectations that have made you think this way or something else? Has this attitude been imprinted in other ways?”

Seb shrugged.

“Someone perhaps who told you this was unacceptable?”

Another shrug, Seb's head was sinking.

“Often these things are sown young. Can you recall being told not to cry when you were little?” pressed Dr. Menton.

Sebastian looked up. He didn't want Henry criticising his family.

“I remember not being good about going to school, only when I was tiny. I wanted to be at home, but it wasn't like... they didn't tell me off, they just wanted to make me handle it better.”

“How so?”

“Like making me more confident. Dad helped me with my karting and Mum was, well Mum was just Mum, she always made me feel better.”

“So not that then. School?”

“Not really...”

“Not really?”

“Not school.”

 

Sebastian thought back, trying hard not to get upset right now.

“But you can think of something?” asked Dr. Menton.

“When I was karting, if I... if things went badly sometimes it was hard not to get upset.”

“But you felt you shouldn't. Why?”

“They told us we should be professional about it, not show weakness to our rivals.”

“ _Who_ Seb?”

“On the programme.”

“Those advising you?”

“Yeah.”

“The adults running it told you not to show emotions? Not to let people see?”

“Yeah.”

“They taught you not to react.”

“I tried not to, but...”

“It was difficult not to?”

Seb nodded.

“Seb how old were you when they told you this?”

“I dunno, twelve maybe.”

“That's a very young age to try to stifle natural reactions Sebastian. And they _are_ natural reactions. It is to subdue them to such an extent that is unnatural.”

Sebastian looked back at him. It was hard to accept such a reversal.

 

“So they built this in early?” continued Dr. Menton.

Seb gave another nod.

“And how did you do with that? Could you repress your emotions as they wanted you to?”

“Sometimes. I did try.”

“I've no doubt you did Seb. I'm afraid that's what I find so worrying. These authority figures were ones you had to obey, ones who were meant to show you how to behave if you wanted to be successful. You're a hard worker Seb. You did what you were told.”

“I couldn't always though. I got better at it, but sometimes...”

“Sometimes it was too much?”

“If I'd had a really bad time, even when I was older, it was still hard sometimes, especially if my dad wasn't there.”

“You struggled to suppress your emotions. Were you criticised for it?”

Seb gave a nod.

“And so you worked harder at it?”

“But I still struggled sometimes, even when I moved on.”

“Moved on?”

“When I moved up to single seaters and I did do well, but not always.”

Henry gave him a firm look.

“Sebastian it's my understanding that you had a very successful time. I think you set yourself extremely high standards, almost too high perhaps?”

“It was expected.”

“Mm. So if you failed in any way that made it seem worse?”

“Maybe.”

“And if you 'failed' you had a strong reaction to it because it was built up into such an expectation of you.”

Sebastian sighed, “maybe.”

“And you reacted by getting upset? What happened?”

 

Sebastian puffed out a long breath as he thought back to one particular example.

“I was hiding out of the way after a race one time. I tried not to cry but I couldn't help it. I thought no one was around.”

“But someone was?”

“Some of the others saw me.”

“Who?”

“Other drivers.”

“Other boys?”

“Yeah.”

“Did they say something to you?”

“Not exactly. But I heard them.”

“What did they say?”

“They said I was a baby. I shouldn't be there if I couldn't handle it.”

Seb looked at the floor as he remembered, the hurt as real as on that afternoon in Hockenheim long ago. The heat in his chest, water leaking into his eyes, unstoppable. Angry and upset and unable to stop it overwhelming him and spilling out.

_Stupid little crybaby, what is he doing here? He looks about twelve. Probably can't even reach the pedals, bet that's why he DNF'd._

They'd laughed as they walked away and Seb had felt crushed into the ground.

 

“Seb how old were you?”

Sebastian was pulled back from his memories.

“Fifteen.”

“And these other boys, I'm guessing they were older.”

Seb nodded.

“How old?” Henry asked.

“Not sure, eighteen, nineteen maybe.”

“And they were laughing at you?”

Another nod.

“Seb that's bullying.”

“I don't know if they knew I could hear them.”

“Either way it's unkind. At their age I would expect them to know better. You were much younger, still a child. Your brain isn't fully formed at that age, you are more likely to have uncontrollable reactions to things. Can you remember why you were upset?

“I had to retire in the race.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Frustrated, disappointed, worried that I wasn't getting the result I needed.”

Seb managed a half smile.

“I'm not sure that changes really.”

“But you wouldn't cry in public about it now?”

“No. I have though. Once, I mean I was still young I suppose, but in one of my first races in F1 I crashed out and afterwards, I didn't mean to but I found myself crying in the garage. I didn't realise there was a camera around and they showed it on TV. It was so humiliating.”

“And people talked about it?”

“Yeah. People said I was too young again. I mean it's nothing to how young some of them are now. I was nineteen when I started in F1, this kid Verstappen was seventeen.”

“Mmm, well we're talking about you now. On both those occasions you had understandable reasons for being upset, but people criticised you for it and made you want to hide that kind of reaction.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian huffed a breath.

“You want to guess who I crashed into in that race?”

“Hm? Oh, really?”

“Yeah. I mean we've talked about it. Mark was furious back then and I think that made it worse, but he was actually really sick in that race as well. I mean literally he was sick in the car before all that. God knows how he was racing at all, but anyway, he said that's partly why he was in such a foul mood and mouthed off about it, plus it was pouring and there was chaos on track. Anyway it doesn't matter. We're fine. It's ancient history.”

“Well that much is good, but regarding the other aspect, more generally being perceived as being criticised for displaying emotion. Do you think it perhaps had the effect of underlining your attitude that you shouldn't do that?”

“I guess.”

“Which I can understand. Nobody would like being exposed in that way, but I think the thing is Seb you've carried over that attitude into the rest of your life. You've had too many lessons teaching you not to allow anyone to see that. You think you should hide it, or better yet not feel it at all.”

“Maybe. I don't know... Mark said something this last weekend, when we were on the phone. I was upset after I'd had a spin in quali.”

“Which is a normal reaction Seb,” underlined Dr. Menton.

“Yeah well that's what Mark said, he said I'm not a robot, that it's okay.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Better. Not stupid, not... weak.”

“Because Mark says it's okay.”

“Yeah.”

“But only because he validates your reaction.”

“What do you mean?”

“He tells you it's okay, so you accept that might be possible.”

“Is that wrong?”

“No. It's very good that Mark has that attitude and he wants to help you and make you feel better, but what we need to work on is that coming from you direct. There's nothing wrong with wanting Mark to help you feel better, but if you can personally start to think more along those lines rather than having to be persuaded, wouldn't that be better?”

“I suppose so.”

“Seb you talk of not feeling stupid, not feeling weak. As if this is a contradiction of your own initial thoughts.”

“Mm.”

“And that's how you have often spoken of yourself, in denigrating terms. You've had these notions put in your head while you were young and impressionable. That's why they are so hard to shift, but that's not the only place they come from is it?”

Sebastian could feel himself sinking inside. He knew where this was going. He gave a tiny shake of his head.

 

“When you've described how Heikki spoke to you, that's the sort of language you used. He wore away your self-confidence and tried to undermine your self-worth in precisely that way, by making you believe it must be true. I'm afraid he had all too good a starting place.”

Seb shrugged one shoulder reluctantly as Henry continued.

“He found your vulnerabilities and pressed at them to make them worse. I'm sorry to say it Seb, but I'm quite certain it was deliberately done. If a person is made to believe they are weak, then why would they think they can fight back?”

Sebastian closed his eyes. He wasn't going to cry. That would be like letting Heikki win even now. His voice came out quiet and distant, drifting back to those times.

“He used to dig and dig. He'd make me cry and then he'd laugh at me. He'd tell me again how pathetic I was, such a child. Even, even the good things, he'd take them and destroy them. He'd say how stupid I looked and how no one really respected me.”

Seb continued with a shaky breath.

“And when he hurt me, when he... If I cried it made it worse. It only encouraged him.”

“To treat you worse?”

“To hurt me more, he enjoyed it more if I cried. He said such horrible things. He made me feel like nothing, like dirt.”

Henry nodded sadly. They'd been over this in many ways but it was understandably always difficult for Seb to speak of objectively.

“He cultivated feelings of shame in you as a way of controlling you Seb.”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a minute. It still hurt.

 

“We've spoke about this before Seb. Do you recall what we talked about? Why he did this?”

Sebastian reopened his eyes and forced himself to articulate what he knew they had talked about before.

“He put me further down to make himself feel more powerful.”

“Mm,” nodded Henry.

Seb took in a breath and continued, “He'd tell me how that meant the rest of it, the rest of _me_ was fake and if anyone knew how I really was... what they'd think of me, how they'd despise me even more...”

“But Seb you know now that isn't true, don't you?”

“I suppose.”

“Mark doesn't despise you does he?”

“Of course not.”

“What does Mark say if there's been occasions where you've got upset?”

“I've told you. He's really nice. Mark's the kindest person in the world.”

“Well that's very good to hear, but what does he say?” pushed Henry.

“He says I don't need to feel bad about it.”

“But you disagree with him?”

“No not like that, it's just...”

“You think he's just being nice to you?”

“A bit.” Seb paused. “I don't know. He wouldn't lie to me. He says... He wrote me a letter.”

“A letter. Was this recently?”

“Yeah for Brazil because I was going to be on my own, to cheer me up.”

“Well that was very thoughtful of him.”

Seb gave him a little smile at last.

“Yeah.”

“And may I ask what was in it? In terms of this at least, why you mention it?”

“He said I didn't need to worry about showing emotion, he said he's glad I'm honest with him, that I don't pretend to be something I'm not, because that's the person he loves and I don't need to change.”

Henry gave him a smile.

“And as you say, he doesn't lie to you. So Mark accepts you as you are. He doesn't seem to regard you showing emotion as a negative. Whose opinion do you really value?”

“Mark's of course.”

Henry looked at him pointedly to encourage Seb to take that point.

“Yeah okay,” Seb sighed. When it came down to it wasn't that all that mattered?

 

“Try thinking about that a bit Seb. Do you really think Mark is wrong?”

Seb took in a deep breath.

“No I guess not. It's just hard to accept.”

Henry nodded.

“I understand that, because your opinion has been pre-formed, it takes a lot to change it. This is something that has become hard-wired. It's something that underpins seeing yourself in a negative light, criticising yourself. You think of it as a weakness. That's hard to change, even if you can persuade yourself rationally it is wrong. Could you perhaps try to think of being more emotionally honest as a strength?”

“Maybe.”

“Just try thinking about it a little bit, maybe talking to Mark. I'm guessing he'd agree with me.”

Sebastian managed a half smile. He already knew Mark would.

“Try perhaps breaking it down a little bit. This issue around getting emotional. Would you say you stop yourself getting emotional in public nowadays?” enquired Dr. Menton.

“Mostly. There has been the odd occasion,” Seb admitted.

“Over a big win perhaps?”

“Yeah.”

“And what is the reaction like? Do people criticise you for it?”

“I don't know. I mean they comment on it.”

“Saying?”

“That I was emotional.”

“And you assume that's a criticism, but is it intended as such do you think?”

That made Sebastian stop. It hadn't occurred to him to think of it any other way.

“I don't know.”

“Okay, well perhaps just try out the idea that it might _not_ be. If perhaps it could just be an observation, rather than a negative implication. Then re-think about what they say and see how it changes how you feel about it.”

Seb gave a little agreeing nod.

“Yeah okay. I'll try.”

 

“And if it's mostly in private,” continued Dr. Menton, “who is it mostly with? Just Mark?”

“Well you too.”

Henry smiled.

“Okay but I don't really count. Nothing in here is a problem. Any and all emotions are acceptable in this environment. So aside from that, just Mark?”

“My family a bit, not so often, but occasionally with my parents,” Seb confessed.

“And do they criticise you?”

“No. They just want to help.”

“So is that bad?”

“No but, I don't like making them worry.”

“That's just another way of saying 'care' Seb. What kind of parent shouldn't care about their child?”

“I suppose. Other than that... I guess Jess and Jenson once or twice.”

“These are friends, aren't they?”

“Yeah.”

“And have they said anything?”

“Not Jenson, well he just, I guess he tried to cheer me up and Jess is really kind. She sort of said what you did, that I shouldn't feel bad about it.”

“Okay, so there's nothing negative there.”

“Maybe my boss and Britta once or twice. When stuff has happened.”

“Do you think it makes them think less of you?”

“I guess they know I'm not quite the same as the public image underneath.”

“Is that bad?”

“I don't know, maybe not so bad. They mostly just try to help.”

“And are they doing this merely because it's their job?”

“A bit of that, but I know they go way beyond that.”

“And why is that?”

Sebastian let out a long breath.

“Pffff. I dunno, maybe they just feel sorry for me?”

Henry gave him a look.

“Seb. Do you not think it's possible that they care because they know you've been through a lot?”

“They don't know everything. I mean Christian knows a bit, he knows...”

Seb couldn't finish that sentence.

“That you'd been in an abusive relationship.”

“Sort of.”

“That he was violent.”

Seb took in a settling breath. It didn't matter how many times they'd been over, it was always hard to hear such things spoken out-loud.

“But not more. Well, that he wouldn't leave me alone and he wasn't, you know, 'right', but not the rest,” he explained.

“No, okay, and is Britta the same?”

Seb had to think about it. What had he actually told Britta?

“I think she knows more than I've told her. Maybe not so much as Christian, but I think she's worked out some of it.”

“Okay, so they understand, and they try to help if there are issues.”

Seb gave a little nod.

“So that's okay then,” emphasised Dr. Menton.

Henry took a deep breath.

“Look Seb, if all those closest to you don't seem to have a problem with how you react to things, perhaps you could think some more about accepting that it might not _be_ a problem. I know that's hard given how ingrained the opposite view is for you.”

“Yeah.”

Seb let that sink in. He hadn't really been expecting to go into such depth over this.

 

Henry knew that this was difficult for Sebastian, but as they were talking about it he decided he ought to say what was in his mind.

“I'd go so far as to suggest that it may even be tied in to you having panic attacks.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“What?”

“Well in stressful situations would you say you try to stop yourself getting emotional and crying?”

“I... well I suppose so.”

Henry was fairly sure he knew that was a yes.

“So by doing that you are suppressing your natural reactions. You are forcing yourself into an internal battle emotionally and psychologically. I'd suggest it's not impossible to see how that could come out as a physical consequence. You are trying to hold yourself in, but that's too hard, so your body reacts by fighting on all fronts; heart beating too fast, struggling to breathe normally, even losing consciousness. In the end you suppress the emotions by shutting down altogether.”

Sebastian stared at him, unable to think what to say.

“I'm not placing blame Seb. I'm not even saying it's an open and shut case. There's more to it, but at some stage a panic attack became your body's accustomed reaction to the most stressful emotional situations. If you could let it out in another way, perhaps in a safe environment with those who care about you and that you trust, might allowing yourself show the emotions you feel be better for you?”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering.

“Maybe. Yeah I suppose so. I mean if it's Mark it's okay.”

“You don't feel so bad about it?”

“No.”

Seb paused.

“I have been trying to work on, you know, accepting being different,” he offered.

“I think that would be very healthy for you.”

“It's not so easy.”

“No I appreciate that, but even taking steps in that direction are good.”

“Also, sometimes I wonder whether... I mean whether I'm _so_ different, whether other people hide it too.”

“I've no doubt they do. Like I say, emotional reactions are normal. Of course within that there are degrees of things. People have different characters, different experiences that they have to react to. You have been through a lot, a huge amount. That's going to have an affect on you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Can I ask, as something you can relate to. You judge yourself according to Mark. You hold him up as an example. All the positive things you say about him.”

“That's because he is that way, he is kind, he does always do the best for me.”

“Uh-huh, but in terms of how he reacts to things. Does Mark get emotional?”

“I suppose. I mean he says it's in a different way. We're just different.”

“And that's fine. As I say, we are formed by a cycle of character and experience. Mark's is necessarily different to yours. How does he react then?”

Sebastian paused, feeling uncomfortable.

“I don't... I mean I'm not sure it's fair to talk about Mark. Isn't that his stuff?”

“Fair enough. Let's broaden it then. Can you recall other people displaying emotion in your personal experience, getting upset, crying?”

“Adults?”

“Yes.”

“I guess.”

“And do you think they're pathetic and childish?”

 

Seb thought of Mark crying when he thought he'd been unkind one time, when they were so stressed out by what been in the press and when Mark came home after he'd made the mistake of going racing too soon after Seb's accident. It had unsettled him to see Mark cry, but did he think _less_ of Mark for it?

“I guess I'd think more about why they were upset and if I could help them feel better.”

“Mm,” nodded Henry. “That's good, that's what I would call a normal empathetic response. What makes you think other people might _not_ have the same response to you is your bad experiences. Those older boys who put you down at that race years ago. If you'd been in their shoes and you saw a younger child who was upset, what would you have done?”

“I don't know. I hope I'd have asked them if they were alright.”

“Yeah. You'd hope so. Sadly life isn't always like that. Those boys had their own reasons for behaving that way. You were very advanced for your years in racing. I think there's every chance they were jealous of you. How did you get on that year?”

“Overall you mean?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“I came second.”

“At fifteen. In your first year at that stage?”

“I was sixteen by the end of the year.”

“Oh well then...”

Seb looked and saw Dr. Menton was teasing him.

“Yeah okay, it wasn't so bad.”

“And how old were the oldest racers you were up against?”

“Twenty I think.”

“Well I'd say that's pretty impressive Seb. You picked yourself up and fought on. Rather than allowing them to undermine you, you worked harder to prove them wrong. I'd say that's a bigger positive in terms of character than getting a little understandably upset in the first place, wouldn't you?”

“I suppose. On the track it's always been different. I can, you know, focus, forget about everything else.”

“And the same in your F1 career, an early difficulty didn't stop you.”

“No. I couldn't let it.”

“No.” Henry smiled. “And that's what you should focus on now.”

“Mark says... well he said something nice in the letter about it. He called it resilience.”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“I'd say that's an excellent definition. You are resilient. So be proud of that.”

 

Seb nodded and stared absently out of the window as he thought things through. Dr. Menton left him for a few moments before speaking again.

“Seb, you are both completely normal and extraordinary at the same time. I'm not sure you appreciate that.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“What do you mean?”

“You have led, and continue to lead, a rather extraordinary life, filled with highs and lows. Far more extreme than most people have to deal with, but you _do_ deal with them. Your reactions to experiences are completely normal, natural reactions, but after that, just as Mark said, you display extraordinary resilience in how well you bounce back. You hold yourself to incredibly high standards and in most aspects of your life that only pushes you on, but if you take it too far it can undermine the rest.”

Henry looked to see if Sebastian was taking that in.

“Do you understand what I'm saying?”

“I guess. I mean I think at least with Mark it's okay if I let go a bit.”

“And not consider it a weakness to do so?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath as he thought about who had made him consider showing his emotions to be weak in comparison to those who now were the opposite. Henry was right, he valued the opinions of those who surrounded him now over those from his past.

“I guess. I mean maybe that's just who I am,” he allowed.

Henry nodded.

“And who you are, is that bad or good?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Not so very bad I guess.”

Henry huffed a little laugh and nodded. Coming from Seb that was something of a breakthrough.

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning they woke to the first hard frost of winter. It came as something of a surprise despite the colder weather they'd come home to, but the night had been clear and when they drew the curtains, it was to see the garden all coated in white.

Mark saw the way Seb stood at the window looking out at it.

“You hoping we get more snow this year?” he asked.

Seb turned to him and smiled back.

“How did you guess?”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“I have some very fond memories of snow as well sweetheart.”

He slung an arm around Sebastian and they looked out, each thinking of the scene that had played out in their garden one snowy evening long ago.

Eventually Mark broke the silence.

“Looks pretty but I'm not sure it's great for running on. What do you say we have breakfast then take the dogs out, leave our coffee run till a bit later, see if it's lifted by then?”

Seb nodded to him.

“Sure Liebling, sounds like a plan.”

He gave Mark a kiss in return and they headed on down.

 

 

An hour or so later they sat, warmly wrapped up against the cold, in their usual spot on the bench at the top of the hill. The dogs snuffled about the undergrowth, trying to work out why some bits didn't smell the same as usual and why the ground was so hard. They came back over occasionally to offer up a stick for throwing, but Seb and Mark were fairly quiet, enjoying looking out at he wintry countryside whilst snuggled up close to keep warm. Mark was happy enough without talking much, though he did worry whether Seb wasn't too quiet. They had talked yesterday when Seb had come home from his therapy session and Mark had tried to say that was what he'd been telling Seb all along.

Mark could have resented the fact that Sebastian needed to hear things stated by a professional and not just him, but as Seb had run through what they had discussed, Mark did have to accept that there was something to unpicking _why_ Seb thought the way he did. Mark knew what Heikki had done to him, and to some extent that the driver programme had messed with his head far too young, but Mark hadn't heard the story of the older boys at one of his early races before. To his mind it only emphasised how Seb had been pushed to take on too much too young, but the way those older kids had been so unkind made Mark angry even all these years later. He wondered what had become of them but when he asked Seb, all he got was a shrug.

Came to nothing Mark presumed, certainly they never achieved anything like Sebastian had. He'd pointed that out naturally, as well as apologising again for his involvement in the other episode when Sebastian was in F1, but Seb had dismissed that, saying it wasn't so much Mark, but the media that had made it worse. All a very long time ago, but Mark still felt bad about it. He wished he could go back and unsay those hurtful words the media had lapped up so readily. He had been angry with Seb for crashing into him but the truth was that day had been a disaster from start to finish and in his frustration he'd lashed out. Later that day Mark had seen the footage of Seb trying to hide his crying in the garage and felt bad for the poor kid, but words could not be unsaid.

There was plenty of this in their history and Sebastian always promised it was done with and gone, but Mark knew that many layers went into making Seb the way he was and not all of it was Heikki. Seb was who he was because of everything that had made him so. There was damage that could not be undone, but it had also made him strong. It had made him the person Mark loved and if it took him telling Seb that every day to believe that, then Mark would do so.

He angled his head to look at Sebastian who was sat tucked under his arm on the bench.

“You're quiet.”

Sebastian turned slightly, blinking as if being woken from dozing.

“Hm?”

“You're alright aren't you?” checked Mark.

“Mm, yeah I'm okay. I was just thinking.”

“Oh?”

“Just... I like it here. It feels as though I can be at peace. As if the world goes away.”

Mark nodded. He loved this place too. He couldn't imagine living in a busy city with no space to breathe.

 

“You're not worrying about anything are you?” he probed.

“Not really. I guess I was thinking a bit about what Henry was saying,” Seb admitted.

Mark gave him a little smile.

“Me too.”

Sebastian looked surprised.

“Were you?”

“Mm. I feel bad that I upset you that time,” Mark confessed.

“What?”

“You know, when you said about that time we crashed way back and...”

“Oh,” cut in Sebastian.

He shook his head and turned more into Mark to place a hand on his chest.

“No Liebling, I told you, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't even really about you. It was the press and anyway it's so long ago, it doesn't matter.”

“I just wish I could go back and change it.”

“Brake sooner?” smiled Seb, trying to keep things light.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“No. Well, yes actually, but I wish I could go back and... I don't know, just have shown a little more empathy.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Liebling, don't feel bad. You were having a crappy day. It was my fault we crashed. You were just letting off steam.”

“Hm, well actually I think it was at least partly Lewis's fault,” noted Mark.

Seb shrugged.

“Rain.”

“Yeah, anyway darling I just wish I could go back and be a friend to you then.”

Sebastian smiled at him softly and dropped his head on Mark's shoulder.

“You're a friend to me now, that's what counts.”

Mark reached to kiss Seb's forehead then rested his cheek against his woolly hat and squeezed him in a little tighter. Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment to appreciate it.

“That means such a lot to me Liebling. I've never had a friend like you. Even if you took everything else away, that would still mean the world.”

 

Mark wanted to squeeze him even tighter at that. He thought how they'd been a year ago, how he'd told Seb he was his best friend and how happy it had made them both, even if they'd already wanted more.

“Me too sweetheart,” he agreed.

Mark ducked his head to see that Sebastian had reopened his eyes and snuck him a smile.

“Not saying I wouldn't miss all the rest mind you.”

Sebastian looked back at him and laughed.

“Same.”

“That's good to know,” agreed Mark.

“Mmm, just, that's what I was thinking really. He made me appreciate that I do have more people I can be myself with now.”

“Well that's good,” nodded Mark.

“You especially obviously.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“It's okay for it not just to be me you know. I'm glad you have more friends.”

“Yeah I think it's more that I can see the ones I have now if that makes sense?”

“It does.”

Seb nodded against him.

“But still mostly you.”

Mark smiled and gave him another kiss.

“Well that's okay too.”

 

Sebastian left it for a moment before continuing.

“I just feel,” he sighed, trying to put it into words, “I don't know, more free.”

“Free?”

“To be different. To be me. More of the time anyway, at least when I'm not working.”

Mark looked at him more seriously.

“I'd hope you'd always feel that way with me darling.”

Seb lifted his head a little to look at him.

“No I do, that's what I mean, but I guess I feel better about it, more liberated. Is that the right word?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah I think so. Well that's good then darling. There's nothing wrong with being different. The world would be a very boring place if we were all the same.”

“Mm, spose so.”

“I've always liked that we're different,” Mark admitted, “I think it's good. You never have to apologise for being different Seb. I told you, I love you for _you_ , the real you, not some version of you you think you ought to be.”

He gave Seb a smile, thinking what a convoluted sentence that was.

“If that makes sense?” Mark added.

“No it does. Thank you.”

“You don't have to say thank you either. I'm not doing you a favour sweetheart, I'm just telling you how it is. I'd be lost without you. Even when we were far apart last weekend you gave me so much.”

Seb sighed against him.

“You too Liebling.”

“Well that's the deal isn't it? We help each other through, no matter if we're together or apart.”

“That's the deal,” echoed Sebastian.

He looked into Mark's eyes and still wondered how it was he could have got this lucky.

“I love you so much Liebling.”

Seb pushed up to give Mark a kiss on the lips, feeling him smile as he did so.

 

As they settled back they saw the sun had come out from behind the clouds that had formed.

“Looks like it's cheering up,” noted Mark.

“Mm.”

“Wanna head back, see about going for our run in a bit if the roads are better?”

“Sure. Think I'll appreciate that coffee when we get there.”

“Well there's our incentive.”

“Mm. Be a good day for having an indoor pool,” Seb noted.

Mark laughed.

“Good job they're coming round later then isn't it?”

“Yep. What time?”

“Two. So we've plenty of time and we can chuck our stuff in a bag for going to your mum and dad's after.”

“Yeah. Oh, Mark I forgot to say, my brother texted before and said his football match has been moved to the afternoon.”

“Oh right. Well that's okay.”

“He might still be there if we arrive before lunch.”

Mark nodded, then an idea struck him.

“Why don't we go along?” he suggested.

“You're sure?”

“Course. Bet he'd love to have you go watch him.”

Sebastian smiled, it was a nice idea. He'd missed so much of his little brother's life. It would be good to let him be in the spotlight for once.

“You don't mind standing around in the cold all afternoon?” checked Seb.

Mark laughed.

“We're in the cold now.”

“Good point. Okay well I'll check it's cool with him.”

Mark nodded, quite certain that Fabian would be thrilled at his big brother making such an effort for him. He had no intention of telling him it had been his idea.

 

 

 

 

The following afternoon they stood wrapped up in the cold once more, this time at the edge of a football field some four hundred miles away, accompanied by a selection of parents and assorted others watching the match between local teams only half a mile from Seb's parents' house. It occurred to Mark that disturbingly he was actually old enough to be one of these boys' father, even if he didn't feel that old. Not that Seb's little brother spoke to him like that. He treated him far more like a bonus older brother and Mark rather liked that. It was impossible not to be gratified by the enthusiasm of the hug he'd been greeted by on their arrival.

Fabian had still been more tentative in hugging his actual brother. Even if he knew Seb was back racing it was hard not to think how fragile Seb had seemed last time he saw him. Sebastian felt as though he had spent most of the first hour they were there reassuring his family that he really was fine now. It felt good to get out and do something normal instead of just letting his mother fret over him indoors.

Seeing as Mark and Seb were going to watch Fabian, his parents had come along too, so they were all stood there at the side of the pitch, hats and scarves on, stamping their feet occasionally to keep warm.

Seb was hanging on to Mark's upper arm as they stood together, letting go only to give glove-muffled applause when Fabian's team did well. They'd received a few looks and Sebastian wasn't sure whether that was because people recognised them or because he was being so close with Mark. If it was the latter Seb thought they could get lost, but maybe it wasn't, he couldn't afford to get paranoid.

Mark gave him a smile.

“Alright?”

“Yep. You?”

“All good.”

“I know football's not really your thing,” noted Seb.

“Any sport's my thing. Besides that's not really the point is it darling?”

“No guess not.”

Seb's eye caught sight of his brother making a run for goal and he nodded urgently in that direction. They all watched as Fabian took a shot, then clapped despite the fact the ball hit the goalpost and bounced away.

 

An hour later and either one might have admitted that being plied with coffee in Seb's parents' nice warm lounge didn't seem such a bad option after all, but no chance were they leaving. Fabian tried not to be too obvious about it, but any of them could have told you the number of times he looked over. Sebastian had to restrain himself from giving his brother a little wave, knowing that would embarrass him in front of his friends. Fabian might not be quite grown-up yet, but he wasn't a little boy. The last time he'd had chance to watch him like this his brother probably had been, Seb wasn't sure he could even remember when that was.

He looked to his parents who were chatting about something between themselves a foot or so away, then turned to Mark.

“You still okay?”

“Hm? Yeah sure.”

“Are you cold?”

Mark huffed a little laugh, Seb's pink cheeks pretty clearly showed that _he_ was, but he looked so damn cute all bundled up, Mark wasn't about to complain about the weather.

“A bit, don't worry,” he assured.

“Are you two getting cold?” intervened Heike, overhearing them.

Seb turned further to look at her.

“We're fine Mum.”

“Have some more from my flask,” she insisted, already delving in the bag she had brought.

 

Mark smiled and Sebastian wanted to roll his eyes at his mother fussing. She'd not taken no for an answer at half-time either, so he accepted the spare plastic cup again and drank a little of the steaming liquid before passing it to Mark to finish off. Mark handed it back.

“Thanks Heike.”

“No problem dear, these games do go on don't they?”

Mark just smiled politely as she put it away.

“Must feel cold to you eh Mark?” offered Norbert.

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Dad we live in England,” he pointed out.

His father shook his head.

“Yes I know that, but you must still feel it Mark?”

Mark shrugged.

“Twenty years now.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, I came over for my racing. You can't do that from Oz, not if you really want to go for it.”

Norbert nodded.

“You must miss your family,” suggested Heike.

“Yeah,” Mark admitted, then put his arm around Seb. “Got family over here now though.”

Sebastian couldn't help smiling proudly at that and he saw the way his mother smiled too.

“Of course you do,” she agreed.

“Mm,” added Norbert. “Anyway, just another ten minutes and we can head home, warm up.”

 

They returned their attention to the game, glad they had done so when only a few minutes later Fabian scored a goal seemingly out of nowhere and they all cheered and applauded as loudly as they could.

Fabian took his hugs from his team but his eyes were drawn to his family on the sidelines. His brother was sticking his fingers in his mouth to whistle louder and a distinctly Aussie brogue yelled, “Go Fabe.”

“That's your family isn't it?” asked one of his team-mates as they ran back into position.

“Yep,” smiled Fabian.

“Your brother came all this way to watch you?”

Fabian nodded.

“Wow.” His team-mate leaned in closer as they stopped. “That's his boyfriend?”

“Yeah. Mark. You don't need to whisper you know. It's cool.”

“Course, sure.”

 

As the final whistle went the thirty or so spectators watching applauded and the teams gathered with their coaches, then broke up to go to the changing rooms or to quickly run over to say hello to their families. A somewhat muddy Fabian made a bee-line for them, bounding over excitedly, his cheeks pinked and his eyes bright.

“Did you see my goal?”

They all smiled and assured him they had.

“We've been right here the whole time Fabe. Did you think we'd miss it?” teased Seb.

Mark shook his head and gave Fabian a congratulatory pat on the arm.

“It was great Fabe and you made an assist on the earlier one. Consider us suitably impressed mate.”

Fabian beamed at him.

“Yes you did very well,” agreed his mother, “now hurry up and get changed, we're turning into blocks of ice out here and I want to get dinner on.”

Fabian looked unimpressed, so Seb made a suggestion.

“Why don't you go and Mark and I will wait.”

“Aren't you cold?” she checked.

“We're fine aren't we Mark?”

“Course. We can catch up, no bother.”

Heike and Norbert looked at one another, unable to deny that they really would like to get going.

“Well if you're sure.”

Mark and Seb both agreed.

“Right then, well on you go Fabian. Don't be keeping your brother and Mark waiting long, it'll be getting dark at this rate,” instructed his father.

Fabian nodded and ran off, his parents taking their leave as well. Mark and Fabian were left alone.

 

Sebastian puffed a breath which rose up before him.

“Your nose has gone pink,” observed Mark.

“Has it?”

Seb automatically touched his nose as if that made any difference. Mark smiled and wanted to kiss it but instead he put hands on both of Seb's arms and gave them a firm rub through his padded coat to try to warm him up.

“I'm sure he'll only be five minutes,” assured Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“It's fine. This has been nice hasn't it?”

Seb smiled at him, pleased that Mark thought so.

“Yeah it really has. It's so nice just to do a normal family thing.”

“Just like a normal family,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian wished they could be normal more often, and was about to say so when Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek and he forgot about it. He moved in to stand by Mark's side and put an arm round his waist as Mark put his arm in turn around Seb and they pressed in tight to try to keep warm.

 

Five minutes later boys were streaming out to be taken home or to walk off in twos and threes. The light was starting to weaken and both were hoping Fabian would hurry up, when they saw a boy approaching. For a moment Mark thought it could be Fabian, but as he got closer it plainly wasn't him. The boy got part-way over and they both expected him to carry on towards the edge of the field to leave, but he detoured and came closer, clearly staring at them. Out of his football kit neither of them could tell whether he had been on Fabian's team or the opposition. If he had been older Mark would have been tempted to ask him what he thought he was looking at, but he was only kid, so he kept his mouth shut until the boy walked all the way up till he was only a few feet away. Mark and Seb looked at one another, then back at him.

“Hello?” ventured Mark.

The boy still didn't speak, so Seb tried.

“Are you alright?”

They couldn't imagine that he'd lost his parents. He must be sixteen or thereabouts, quite old enough to look after himself.

Encouraged, the boy finally stepped closer.

“You're, umm, Sebastian Vettel?”

The boy was sure of it, even hidden under a woolly hat with a scarf up to his chin. You could tell a driver like that when you were used to seeing their face through the visor gap in their helmet and someone said his younger brother was on the other team. Some of the others said that wasn't true, but now he was up close he was sure of it. Sebastian Vettel, right here in some ordinary playing field in his home town.

Sebastian glanced to Mark before answering.

“Umm, yes,” he confirmed.

“Oh wow!”

Mark suddenly laughed at how disbelieving the kid sounded.

“Can I get a selfie?” the boy asked in a voice that combined excitement and nerves.

Seb almost wished he'd asked for an autograph instead, rather than this doubtless appearing on Twitter in two minutes time telling the world where he was, but it seemed cruel to deny him.

“Okay.”

Mark went to step out of the way, but Seb smiled and grabbed his arm.

“Oh no you don't. If I'm in this, you're in it.”

He pulled Mark in as the boy fiddled with his phone to set the picture up, then stood in front of them. He wasn't much shorter than Sebastian, so he stood with his head in the middle while Mark ducked down, snapping a couple of shots and then checking they'd worked. On seeing himself in the pictures he seemed to grow shy again, thanked them, then sprinted off.

 

Moments later Fabian appeared, running across the pitch to join them.

“What was that about?” he asked, having seen someone with them as he exited the changing rooms.

“Kid just wanted a picture,” explained Mark.

“Oh. Huh.”

Mark smiled at how odd Fabian made it seem. He supposed it must be odd for him to see his brother as others did.

“Yeah anyway, shall we go?” prompted Seb. “Mel's gonna be over soon.”

“Yeah alright.”

They started to make their way. Mark and Seb linking hands despite being separated by gloves and Fabian either walking alongside or bounding in front where the pavement narrowed, turning to walk backwards so he could continue to recount the adventure of the game despite knowing they'd been stood watching the whole thing. Mark and Seb happily let him run on, nodding and agreeing as required, neither mentioning that Fabian's cursory clean-up seemed to have missed the streak of mud on his forehead where he'd headed the ball during the match. When they arrived back home Fabian bounded off upstairs with equal energy to take a quick bath to properly clean up before his mother ticked him off and to reheat limbs that had been exposed to the elements in short football kit for nearly two hours. The other two paused in the hall, divesting themselves of their outer-wear rather more sedately.

Mark shook his head.

“That level of enthusiasm is disgusting after ninety minutes of running around in the freezing cold,” he complained.

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“I don't think I was ever as young as that,” he agreed.

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You're still young to me darling.”

“And you to me Liebling,” Seb concurred.

Mark could have protested but Seb returned the kiss on the cheek and he looked happy. Why bring things down?

“Right then, shall we go see if your mum needs a hand?”

Sebastian nodded and they headed for the kitchen. At least they were bound to warm up in there.

 

 

 

 

The next day the whole family sat at the dining table as Heike served up a sumptuous Sunday roast lunch. Norbert and Heike sat either end of the table, Fabian, Mark and Seb down one side, Mel, Jan and Stef on the other. The positioning entirely uncoincidental as Heike sat her children she wanted to keep closest watch over nearest to her.

Jan and Stefanie had joined them just over an hour ago and Sebastian had spent a good portion of that time unconsciously staring at his older sister's now quite prominent baby bump. It was hardly as if it was the first time he'd seen a pregnant woman before, but when it was your own sister it did take some getting used to, especially when he hadn't seen her for two months.

They'd spoken and texted on the phone, but nothing quite replaced seeing one another, both siblings joking how their mother refused to accept any help from them with lunch, seeing them as invalids when neither one regarded themselves in any such light. Both Mel and Fabian moaned that this meant that even more was demanded of them, but they did it with good humour, even Fabian putting aside his usual teenage sulks when he was so happy this weekend.

Mark was glad they'd taken the time to visit despite their limited spell at home. Seb seemed happy, as did his family, and he knew how much they had been worrying for him. Fabian particularly couldn't be shifted from his brother's side, sitting himself beside them and asking them all about their race weekends which they recounted with the tougher episodes glossed over. Nobody wanted to delve too much into the troubles they had encountered, knowing how short their time together was. Even Melanie had dropped her usual habit of teasing Seb and he wondered if that would come back over time or if she couldn't help seeing him in a different light now. They all knew how close they had come to their family being devastated.

 

It had been a little strange going to bed the night before, walking up stairs that had once seemed an impossible mountain to climb. Mark hadn't mentioned anything about when they last stayed here, unsure how much Seb remembered and knowing that it had been a traumatic time, but when they had woken in the morning Sebastian had shuffled up closer to lie against Mark's t-shirt clad chest and wrapped an arm around him.

“It's so strange that I didn't recognise in here.”

Mark took a deep breath and pulled him closer.

“Do you want the light on?”

Seb gave a little shake of his head against him.

“No it's fine.”

Daylight was just breaking outside, and sufficient light was filtering in through the curtains to allow them to see.

“It's just strange I didn't,” Seb repeated.

Mark nodded and gave him a kiss.

“I know sweetheart, it was horrible, but don't worry about that. You remember now, that's all that matters.”

“Mm.”

“Mm?”

“Yeah, you're right. I don't want to think too much about then,” Seb agreed.

“Neither do I darling. Let's just forget it,” suggested Mark.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Ironically.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah ironically.”

Sebastian snuggled into him and concentrated on how nice this felt instead.

“We can forget forgetting. You're right Liebling, it doesn't matter now.”

They'd stayed that way for a good twenty minutes until there was a knock on the door and they sat up to allow Fabian in to encourage them to get up for breakfast. Lie-ins would have to wait until they were back home.

 

 

Norbert smiled to see the way Fabian hung on Mark's words as he told them something about his race in Shanghai, thinking it was a good job that Seb's partner seemed a good influence on their youngest. Fabian always behaved better when the pair of them were around. Mark had improved his German too, although Sebastian told them that they rarely spoke it at home, Mark seemed to have a good understanding, even if he still looked to Sebastian to be reassured he was saying something correctly.

Sebastian was currently telling them about their plans for the new extension.

“So it's all in hand?” asked his mother.

“Yeah. We had a good meeting yesterday about it. We're just waiting for the final planning permission now aren't we Mark?”

Mark nodded.

“With any luck they can break ground before Christmas, get it done over the break so we're around.”

“Well that'll be nice won't it?” offered Heike.

“Yeah, we've seen some of the other jobs they've done and they've got a good reputation, so we're looking good,” agreed Seb.

His sister Mel looked over. Her natural temptation was to take the piss out of her brother doing something so flash as having a pool and gym built, but she didn't have it in her. It was nice to think of them setting up home together. When she'd arrived just before dinner last night it had been impossible to miss how close her brother and Mark were now. She'd thought they were pretty glued together before, but considering what they'd been through she wasn't surprised. They all knew how ill Seb had been and how much Mark had given to looking after him until he was recovered. If she could find a guy half as good, Mel knew she wouldn't let him go.

 

They moved on to dessert that both Mark and Seb were too polite to refuse, Heike finished serving up and they started eating as Jan told them all about his latest project which involved a lot of live link-ups and co-ordinated operations with their head office in America. Sebastian paid less attention to his apple strudel as he asked Jan lots of technical questions about how it all worked.

“Aside from anything else it saves me having to travel over there,” Jan noted.

“It all sounds very impressive,” approved Heike, thinking she didn't really understand how it worked, but as long as it meant her daughter wasn't left on her own, it was a very good thing.

“Certainly is useful,” agreed Jan.

“And do you two have much travelling left?” asked Heike, turning to Mark and Seb.

“We've just got one more race each,” answered Sebastian for both of them. “Mark's in Bahrain next, then I'm in Abu Dhabi the weekend after.”

“And then you're done for the year?”

“Yep.”

His mother nodded. She didn't say 'good', but she thought it. The sooner they had their racing over this year the better as far as she was concerned.

“Both in the same part of the world,” observed Norbert. “Is that because of the weather?”

“Pretty much,” agreed Mark. “At least we won't have to worry about rain.”

There were smiles around the table at that, wet races were far more nerve-wracking to watch and they had all endured Seb's latest race disappointment only glad as Mark had been that Sebastian had walked away safe.

 

“So are you going along with each other?” asked Fabian.

Mark and Seb glanced at one another. They'd been over and over this between themselves, but there was just no way round it.

“Fraid not,” answered Mark.

Fabian furrowed his brow.

“But why not? If they're close by and one after the other, wouldn't it make sense to stay out there?”

Mark and Seb looked at one another again, hating that they had to explain why this was impossible for them. Mark was about to answer, but Seb bit the bullet.

“We can't Fabe.”

“But...”

Sebastian sighed and under the table Mark pushed his leg comfortingly into Seb's.

“It's not possible, not there. We'd like to, but we can't, not as a couple,” Seb explained.

Fabian looked confused and there was an awkward silence around the table before Melanie spoke up.

“Think where they'll be Fabe,” she prompted.

Fabian did, then looked at the two of them.

“Because it's the middle east?”

They both nodded sadly.

“But...”

Mark closest to him gave him a little shake of his head, wishing Fabian wouldn't press this when he knew it upset Sebastian, hell it upset him.

“It's just not possible,” he repeated gently.

“Is it that bad over there?” asked Fabian.

Sebastian spoke, not wanting his family to worry that they were in danger going at all.

“Within the race, as drivers it's okay. We've kind of got cover.”

“You don't think you'll encounter anything like, well, like in America?” worried Stef.

Seb shook his head. The team had told him they had been assured as much. Mark let out a sigh and shrugged to the table.

“The downside/upside of more repressive governments over there means protests are much less likely; They wouldn't want the bad publicity around their races,” he explained.

“So you'll be alright on your own,” offered Jan, trying to help.

“Yeah we should be fine,” reassured Mark.

Fabian remained unconvinced.

“But then why can't you both go?”

“Fabe,” tried Mark, “it's not just disapproved of over there, it's illegal. We couldn't even book a hotel room together.”

 

Fabian looked appalled. He wasn't so naïve as to suppose being gay always made for an easy life and even here he knew some people thought it was wrong, but to think that his brother and Mark could be breaking the law somewhere just by being together was awful.

“But that's horrible.”

“I know Fabe,” agreed Mark gently, seeing how upsetting he found the idea.

“It's just the way it is,” emphasised Sebastian, still working on convincing himself.

Fabian was staring at his half-eaten dessert. He didn't feel hungry anymore. He had a terrible vision in his head of his brother and Mark sat innocently in bed like they had been this morning, only in a hotel room and the police breaking down the door and dragging them away. It made him feel sick.

“It's so unfair,” he muttered unhappily.

Mark and Sebastian looked at Fabian, then back at each other. It _was_ unfair, horribly unfair. The end of the season was lined up perfectly for them to spend supporting one another at each other's races in turn, except it couldn't be. Under the table their hands slid together.

 

Norbert sighed as he saw how tight his youngest son's face had gone and how he wouldn't look up. He put a consoling hand on his arm.

“It's okay Fabian,” he reassured.

Fabian looked at his father.

“No it's not. It's not okay.”

“No,” confirmed Mark, drawing his attention, “it's not okay, but it's how it is.”

“We'll be alright,” reassured Seb. “The season's nearly over and then it'll be Christmas.”

 

Fabian still wanted to protest, but if they were handling it, he had to accept it, even if the realisation made him want to run from the room and cry. He caught something in Mark's expression and knew he ought to drop it. Of course they weren't okay with it. His brother always told him how much they took from having each other there to support one another at races. It was far worse for them. He squished his face as he looked at them.

“Sorry.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head and Seb mouthed 'it's alright' to settle him.

Beyond them Heike sat silently thinking how right Fabian was. The world was unfair. She'd been so angry and upset when she'd seen about those horrible protesters in Austin. She couldn't understand why there were such hateful people in this world. Mark made her son happy, they cared for one another and they did no harm to anyone. How anyone could object to that was a mystery to her.

 

She took in a deep breath, knowing adding to this discussion did no good.

“You're still coming for Christmas aren't you both?” she asked, aiming to change the subject.

“Of course we are Mum,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Good.”

Mark gave Seb's hand in his a little rub with his thumb. They were both looking forward to Christmas. He looked at those opposite him.

“You'll all be here won't you?”

He got an array of nods and Jan answered, trying to pick the mood back up.

“Yes we'll be here for Christmas, then Stef and I will head to my parents' for New Year.”

“How long are you guys staying?” asked Melanie.

Mark and Seb looked to one another, realising that they hadn't discussed this.

“Oh, umm...”

Mark gave Sebastian a little shrug.

“I think a few days, we've not really sorted it yet, but I think we'll probably be back home for New Year,” offered Seb.

He caught Mark's eye and was fairly sure he saw approval there. Somehow it seemed only right that they should be home for their anniversary. He looked to his mother.

“That's okay isn't it Mum?

“Course it is dear, whatever you like, just let us know nearer the time.”

“Sure.”

He looked back to Mark and got a smile which he returned. Seb really couldn't wait for Christmas this year. He didn't care about presents or any of that. just to be together and to be able to let Mark know that was the best gift he could think of, that would be amazing.

Mark gave Seb a tiny nod, thinking Heike had done well to change the topic. Seb loved Christmas and Mark longed to make a fuss of it to make him happy. They'd have the biggest tree and he'd let Sebastian be as bossy as he liked setting it up. The dogs would have to have a firm talking to so they'd behave around it so their tree didn't get destroyed too badly. Mark hoped it would snow. Christmas and snow and New Year and Seb smiling his wonderful bright smile, all the cares of the world put aside. Mark couldn't wait.

 

Relieved that the atmosphere around the table had leavened out, Heike set about offering more dessert around. Normally Mark would have said no, but he did as Jan did and accepted more, purely to make her happy and no one made a point of the fact that Fabian who usually couldn't get enough, had barely touched his. Heike suggested they have coffee in the lounge and started to clear up but Mark and Seb intervened, insisting they should do it.

“Oh no, you have a rest.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Mum I can do it. I'm really alright now you know?”

Heike shook her head, it didn't seem right to her after all her eldest son had been through and he still looked too thin.

“Besides, Mark's a guest,” she protested.

Seb pulled a face.

“No he's not, he's family.”

His mother couldn't think of a retort to that, so they stood and started to pile things up to take through.

“I'll help,” offered Jan, but he got a look from Heike which he knew meant she thought he ought to be looking after Stef instead. Stef tried not to smile at him. They'd had more than one conversation about how impossible her mother could be about wanting to wrap Stefanie up in cotton wool despite having had four children of her own.

Coming up with something he thought Heike couldn't argue with, Jan made a suggestion.

“Tell you what, why don't I make coffee and I can do you your herbal tea thing instead?” he offered with a look to his partner who helpfully nodded.

Jan started to take orders before anyone could say no and Seb turned to his brother.

“Will you give us a hand?”

Normally Fabian had to be coerced into doing any chore but he simply nodded and took some of the piled plates to follow them through to the kitchen while the others went into the lounge.

 

The boys set about their tasks, Seb filling the sink while the kettle boiled. Jan and Mark got out mugs and Fabian found a tray. Once Jan had taken the drinks through, Mark and Seb started washing up, Fabian hanging back near the kitchen table. Mark sent Seb a look, they both knew he was still too quiet.

“Fabe mate, can you start putting these away? I don't know where everything goes,” requested Mark, indicating the items he was drying. Fabian pulled himself together and came over to do as instructed.

“Sure.”

When they were done, Seb and Mark dried off their hands and leaned back against the sink as Fabian stowed the last few things away. They had a silent conversation between themselves, then Sebastian spoke to his brother.

“Fabe are you alright?”

Fabian shut the crockery cupboard and turned to see the two together. He shrugged one shoulder.

Seb looked at Mark out of the corner of his eye and knew that meant no.

“Come here a sec.”

Fabian crossed the kitchen and stood near them. Mark looked at him sympathetically and Sebastian reached out to give his arm a rub.

“I know it's upsetting to think about.”

Fabian shrugged again and looked at the floor.

“I know I should have realised. It's just, I guess I never really thought about it actually being _illegal_. That's so...”

He shrugged once more, unable to find words for how terrible he found that concept.

“Yeah I know. Believe us Fabe, we feel the same way,” agreed his brother.

Fabian looked at the pair.

“Will you really be okay going there? On your own I mean?”

Sebastian tried to look solid for his brother.

“Sure. The teams have made certain of it, okay? We're just going to keep our heads down and race.”

“It's not _right_ though,” protested Fabian.

“No, we know that,” confirmed Mark calmly.

Fabian sighed and looked at him.

“Don't you want to scream about it? Tell them how wrong they are?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah mate I really do, but...” he sighed, “if we want to have the same opportunities as other drivers, we just can't.”

“What would they do to you?”

Mark and Seb looked to one another. In truth they had no idea and didn't really want to find out.

“I don't know. Maybe nothing, _probably_ nothing really seeing as we're not citizens of those countries, but the teams would hate it. They don't want to get tagged with anything political and the media would eat it up.”

Sebastian carried the point on from Mark.

“I know that might sound wrong, but if we want to be like any other drivers then we've got to act like it. Does that make sense?”

 

Fabian wanted to say they already weren't being treated like any other drivers, but he didn't want to make them feel bad.

“You can't be troublemakers?” he hazarded.

“No. I appreciate that might sound as if we're being cowardly about it. That we ought to make a stand,” offered Seb.

Fabian shook his head strongly.

“No I don't think that. Course not. I do understand, it just... sucks.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh at that.

“Yeah mate it really does. The world isn't fair and some parts are more difficult than others, but we just want the chance to race, you know?”

“Yeah course.” Fabian looked at his brother and risked bringing it up. “In America...”

Seb nodded, knowing what he was referring to.

“Yeah that was pretty horrible too.”

 

Fabian looked pained. It had been shocking to see that in Austin and he'd been so worried about his brother.

“Why are people like that? I don't understand.”

Sebastian shrugged, he had no more idea than his little brother.

Mark shook his head.

“I guess they believe they're right to think that way, but I don't think we'll ever know why they behave the way they do. All we can do is not let them get to us, yeah?”

Fabian squished his face and gave a small nod.

“Didn't it upset you?” he pressed.

Mark let out a sigh and automatically slipped his arm around Seb by his side.

“Yeah mate course it did, but we've just got to carry on, not let them stop us.”

Sebastian leaned more closely into Mark. He still didn't like to think how he would have got through that if Mark hadn't been there.

“We just want to race, that's all. When it gets tough, that's what we do; we just _carry on_ doing what we do,” Seb explained.

Fabian looked at his brother. He made it sound so simple.

“You just carry on?”

“Yeah, we carry on. When we're upset or it seems impossible, when we don't know what else to do, we just carry on.”

“And that gets you through?”

Seb gave a little shrug.

“Seems to, most of the time.”

“Better than the alternative,” added Mark.

 

Fabian looked at the two of them, thinking what a unit they seemed, saying the same things, sticking so close together in every way. He wondered what that was like. They did seem strong like this though; an immoveable force.

“I guess so,” he agreed. “I just wish it didn't have to be so hard for you.”

Mark huffed a laugh and gave Sebastian a squeeze.

“So do we mate, so do we.”

Seb dropped the side of his head on Mark's shoulder for a moment. It seemed they never got to take the easy road. He looked out at his brother and thought how it wasn't easy for him either.

“We'll be okay Fabe, alright? You don't need to worry about us.”

 

He broke from Mark's hold to give his brother a hug, feeling his brother press into him for reassurance, then let go and Mark gave Fabian a hug in turn. As they stood back, Seb looked to his brother again.

“Things are alright with you aren't they Fabe? How's school?”

Fabian grimaced.

“Too much work.”

Mark smiled at the tone, but Seb pressed on.

“Yeah but apart from lessons, people aren't giving you a hard time are they?”

He didn't like to think that any of these worries were related to his brother being bullied about him.

“Actually, since... well, since recently, no one's really said anything. I mean my friends asked about you and a few others, but nothing nasty. They've kind of shut up.”

“Good.”

Sebastian thought that if one outcome of his accident was that those who had been giving his little brother a hard time felt too bad about it to do so now, then that at least was a positive.

 

 

Having got the chance to talk with Fabian they'd wanted, they went through to the lounge to rescue their cooling drinks and sat chatting with the gathered family. Although they mostly spoke about nothing important, the time passed quickly and before they knew it they were getting close to needing to leave. Seb excused himself to pop to the bathroom before their journey to the airport and as he came back downstairs he encountered his sister in the hall.

“You alright?” he checked.

Stef nodded and indicated the mug in her hand.

“I'm pretending to top this up.”

“Pretending?”

“I'm going to chuck it away.”

Stef smiled conspiratorially.

“Honestly, this stuff's disgusting. What I wouldn't give for a properly caffeinated drink.”

Sebastian laughed and followed her though to the kitchen to see her pour it down the sink.

“Was Fabe alright with you?” she enquired.

Sebastian nodded.

“He just wanted a bit of reassurance we'd be okay.”

“Yeah.” Stefanie sighed. “He is right though, we all think it's awful.”

“Mm.”

His sister stepped in and gave him a hug.

“I'm sorry,” she sympathised.

Seb hugged her back and assured her it would be alright.

“All the stuff you have to cope with.” Stef shook her head. “I don't know how you do it.”

Seb shrugged.

“Don't have much choice do I? Anyway it's okay. I have Mark. When it gets rough he helps me. We help each other, even when we're not together.”

 

His sister looked at him carefully for a moment. There were depths there. Depths she guessed she would never know about. Their mother was right, Seb had far too hard a life and yet most of the world still seemed to imagine he swanned around in a bubble of privilege.

“Yeah? Good.”

She gave him a smile and ruffled his hair. Seb smiled at the gesture, then looked at her more seriously.

“You're going to make an amazing mum you know?”

Stef hardly knew what to say.

“Thanks. It's pretty scary actually.”

Seb nodded.

“You'll be alright though. You and Jan.”

Stef nodded back.

“You too, you and Mark.”

“Yeah, we'll be okay. When I'm not sure of anything else at least I'm sure of that, I'm always sure of Mark.”

 

His sister gave him a soft smile and nodded again. She gave him another hug. As they split apart Seb smiled at her.

“That feels so weird you know?”

“Hm?”

“The bump.”

“Oh. Yeah, well you should try being on this side of it,” Stefanie laughed, then pulled an odd expression.

“Stef?”

She shook her head.

“She's just saying hello.”

His sister took his hand and put it against the thin jumper covering her bump and Sebastian nearly jumped to feel the unmistakeable kick beneath.

“Oh my god!”

Stefanie smiled.

“Yeah, told you. I'm still getting used to it myself.”

“Wow. That's incredible though.”

Stef nodded.

“Yeah it really is.”

Sebastian stared at the bump, then a piece of information filtered through.

“Hang on, _she?”_

His sister flicked he eyebrows up.

“Yep.”

“Wow, that's... that's great, really.”

“Thanks, we just found out. Sorry, we were going to say, but, I don't know, I guess I hadn't found the right moment.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Have you told the others yet?”

“Not Fabe, I'll do it now.”

His sister sent him a wink.

“Try to look surprised too won't you?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Sure. I'm pretty good at acting.”

Stefanie nodded.

“Yeah I know.”

Her brother wasn't the person the world thought it knew; a paper-thin creation to keep the media happy. She didn't know all of Seb, but what she did was pretty remarkable. To think they'd almost lost him. No wonder Mark could barely let Seb go.

“Come on, they'll be worrying about us,” she encouraged and the two of them headed back through to the lounge where their family was waiting and worrying and caring.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 


	105. A Light In The Darkness

* * *

 

 

 

All too soon their time was running out again. Mark's race in Bahrain was on the Saturday instead of the usual Sunday, which compressed their schedule even more, but did at least mean that they should have a snatched bit of time both at home again before Seb had to go off in turn. Maybe Bahrain wasn't as bad as some places, but they knew they'd be far too paranoid to go and stay together there and even Mark had to admit that if he was worrying the whole time about whether there might be issues that was never going to leave him in a good place to concentrate on racing. Besides which Seb really did have work he needed to do at the factory to prepare for his own race next. No it couldn't be. They'd just have to each get by on their own. It was only for a few days. They'd manage.

By Tuesday morning they were at the airport again, Sebastian bidding goodbye to Mark once more. Mark had told him he could stay home and they'd say their farewells there, but Seb wouldn't hear of it. He wanted to hang onto Mark for as long as he possibly could, so now they were sat just as they had been two weeks earlier; waiting around in an airport lounge, pressed in together, not wanting to let go, half an eye on the information screens.

“You're sure you'll be alright?” asked Mark.

“Course. I'm home aren't I? That's not half so bad and it means I've got the dogs for company.”

Mark nodded. He had wondered whether Seb might not want to stay with his family on his own a while longer, but he'd had things he needed to be home for. On Wednesday Seb was due in the factory again and yesterday they'd been to see Dr. Roberts.

She'd been pleased with how Sebastian had got on and it was reassuring for both of them to hear that she wasn't too concerned about the instances of air-pressure headaches and very minor issues with remembering little details such as journalists' names. She also asked Seb how he thought he was coping emotionally, but Sebastian assured her that he did feel better than he had done and that he was continuing to talk to his psychiatrist about this. Dr. Roberts accepted that if he was receiving help on this aspect she could consider it was being addressed and it had been comforting for Sebastian to hear her concur with Dr. Menton's suggestion that he ought not to expect earlier issues to have been resolved right away. It felt slightly perverse to be encouraged to know that he shouldn't expect to be entirely well even now, but it did make Seb feel better, as if he was being given permission not to be perfect.

On the whole though Seb could confirm that he felt generally well and had managed returning to racing without any major problems and after running through everything with him Dr. Roberts had actually been happy enough to clear Sebastian to remain under the supervision of Dr. Phillips from now on. She explained that she would pass on prescription details to him in case Sebastian should need further medication, but the fact Seb had got by without his painkillers suggested he ought to be fine. Seb had felt relieved to have an official sign off on his recovery, even if his doctor had reminded him that continued minor symptoms were possible for a while.

Mark wanted to remain positive too, although he had listened anxiously to her list of potential issues to keep an eye out for, in a worst case scenario where Seb had any problems that worsened dramatically or failed to pass over an extended period of time. Dr. Roberts had extracted promises from each of them that in those circumstances they would contact her, or in an instance of anything as severe as passing out or incurring a further head injury of any kind that they would come to A&E immediately.

Even the suggestion of this possibility terrified Mark and he hated leaving Seb now. It didn't get any easier. Given the way their careers worked there was simply no way that they could both race and stay together at all times. He just had to learn to cope better at trusting that Sebastian really would be okay and persuade himself that the happiness that came with being reunited was enough to compensate for the loneliness they suffered when apart.

 

They'd certainly done as much as they could to compensate for their parting last night. As Mark kept his arm around Seb while they sat at the airport, a smile drifted onto his face as he remembered and he squeezed Sebastian a little tighter, then leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek.

Sebastian smiled at him, trying to push away the knowledge that soon this feeling would be gone.

“At least it's a shorter flight,” he offered.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, so I'll be back Sunday.”

Sebastian turned a little under his arm to look at him.

“You're still not sure what time?”

Mark gave a slight shake of his head.

“Sorry. I think midday-ish, but if I can get away earlier I might be able to get the flight before.”

“I'd just like to meet you.”

“I know darling, but it doesn't matter. I'll be home soon enough and you can give me a nice greeting then.”

Seb smiled at him and fitted an arm around Mark's middle to squeeze him back.

“I'll do my best to think of some nice greetings for you.”

“Well there's a thought to keep me going,” chuckled Mark.

 

They settled together for another few minutes, then Mark saw that he really did have to make a move. They said their goodbyes before forcing themselves apart. As Mark walked away to his flight he tried to console himself that at least this race weekend he wouldn't have to worry about Seb racing as well. He knew Seb wouldn't be too happy to be left alone at home, but Seb was right, that wasn't so bad when he had all the associated comforts and distractions. Mark would just have to rely on all the little props that had helped him though his last weekend away from Sebastian to cheer himself up and keep him going.

As Mark waited to be called for boarding he picked up a text from Seb and knew that he must have sent it from the car before heading home.

SEB: Remember Liebling don't worry about the time-difference. Just call me whenever and I'll be happier to know you did. Love you.

Mark smiled. The difference was only a couple of hours, so he needn't worry too much about it, but it was nice to be Seb's priority while he tried to support him from back home. Poor Jenson was just going to have to put up with him forever being on the phone to his other half all the time again. Mark was pretty sure he already owed the old boy more than a few drinks on that score.

 

 

An hour or so later Sebastian sat on the sofa with the dogs piled in around him. They weren't usually allowed to sit on there, but he needed the comfort. Seb felt sorry for Mark not having these guys with him to cheer him up. Right now Seb was just giving himself a moment, then he was going to take them out for a nice long walk, clear his head and only mope about the fact Mark wasn't there a minimal amount. Probably.

 

 

 

When Mark called him that night, Sebastian was back on the sofa with the dogs again. His phone had been sat permanently in sight all evening as he waited for Mark to ring. Seb thought he had got through the day reasonably well, not allowing himself to get too miserable at being on his own. It was really only over dinner that Sebastian had felt it. Making a meal alone in the kitchen seemed so strange and he had felt lonely sat at the table by himself. No working together on the simplest of mundane tasks, no chatting over nothing, no leg up against his under the table, no hand reaching over to give his a comforting rub, no passing smiles when they were sat quietly. No Mark. It was as though Sebastian could actually see the absence, like a little black hole floating beside him.

The dogs had continued trying to cheer him up, rubbing up against Seb's legs and being spoilt with titbits he fed them while he ate. Sebastian had spent the evening watching television to keep his mind occupied, the dogs offering a soothing warmth as they lay against him. Seb stroked them and tried not to think too much about how he'd rather that warmth came from Mark instead.

As soon as his phone rang, Sebastian snatched it up to answer.

“Mark, hey.”

Far away in his hotel room, Mark lay settled into bed, closing his eyes as he listened to Seb's voice, smiling at how quickly the call had been answered.

“Hello darling, how're you doing?”

“Me? I'm fine. You get there okay and everything?”

“Yeah no problems. All settled in now.”

“Good,” nodded Seb.

“I'm in bed already,” Mark stated.

Sebastian smiled and settled further back on the sofa.

“Are you tired Liebling?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Not really to be honest. Busy media day tomorrow though, so I think an early night's in order.”

“Course.”

Neither of them made any comment on the fact that they both thought early nights were best spent together.

“What've you been up to then?” enquired Mark.

“Nothing much. Taken the dogs for some walks, went for a run. What about you?”

Mark laughed again.

“Even less; Flight, checked in, said hello to folk, climbed into bed. That's about it.”

Sebastian nodded, he turned and rested the side of his head against the back of the sofa, letting out a little accidental sigh.

“Seb?”

“Hm?”

“You're really alright?”

“Yeah.”

“You will keep busy won't you?” pressed Mark.

“Yeah. I'm gonna be in MK most of the day tomorrow.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm. Gym, debrief and then some sim runs for Abu Dhabi,” Seb recounted.

Mark's first instinct was still to tell Sebastian that he thought that sounded a little too intense, but he had to trust him to know his own limits.

“Okay, well sounds like you've got plenty on.”

“Mm.”

 

There was a pause as each of them wondered what to talk about without spending the whole time saying how much they missed one another.

“The dogs say hello,” ventured Seb.

Mark laughed as he lay there.

“Do they?”

“Mm,” smiled Sebastian, giving them a little rub in turn.

“And let me guess, they're sat with you now.”

“Well...”

 _Good boys,_ thought Mark. He knew he could trust them to look after Seb.

“...I know they're not meant to be on the sofa,” continued Sebastian slightly guiltily.

“Nah, they're just keeping my spot warm,” allowed Mark.

“Yeah. I think, well... I think I might just let them upstairs tonight,” Seb admitted.

“More keeping my spot warm?” Mark teased.

“No, just on the floor. I'm not that bad.”

“Fair enough.”

Sebastian remembered when he had allowed the dogs to sleep on the bed with him last time Mark had been away. That had been such a dark period. He wasn't so bad as that now, he just wanted a little company.

Mark was smiling. He really didn't care if Seb broke the rules while he was away, just so long as he was okay.

 

Mark lay there slowly relaxing as they chatted aimlessly until he really did begin to feel sleepy.

“Mark?”

“Hm? Oh sorry darling.”

Seb could tell Mark was drifting, letting him jabber away.

“Shall we do our hugs and say goodnight?” prompted Sebastian.

“Yeah okay. Ready?”

“Yeah.”

There was a long pause as they did so and Seb wondered whether Mark might really have fallen asleep. Even if it wasn't that late, travel always managed to take it out of you.

“Liebling?”

“Yeah, I'm here.”

“Oh okay, well I think that's made me tired too now, I might just go to bed as well.”

“Righto.”

Mark found it was strangely comforting to think of them both going to bed at the same time.

“You going to call me in the morning?” checked Sebastian.

“Sure. What time you going into the factory?”

“Not too early; ten, so if you call before half eleven your time that'll be fine. I'll have my phone but I might have to call you back if you ring later on.”

“Seb I'm just doing media stuff and prep tomorrow. Nothing to worry about, okay?”

“Course. Okay.”

“Alright, well I'll speak to you in the morning. Say goodnight to the dogs for me.”

“Will do. Oh and say hello to Jense.”

“I'm sure he'll be thrilled to be put in the same category,” Mark chuckled, thinking their friend did rather remind him of a bouncy golden retriever at times.

“Ah but you know what I mean though,” excused Seb.

“Course I do darling. Right then, night. Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling. Night.”

They hung up, each trying not to think about the fact that were it not for the complications of the world, they might have been having a conversation in bed and cuddling up to go to sleep together as they should be. Mark double-checked his alarm and set his phone down on the next pillow, falling asleep in an instant.

 

Seb gave the dogs a rub.

“Mark says goodnight boys.”

He stood and encouraged them to follow him into the hall, then gave them a little wave to come upstairs. They dogs hesitated so he ducked down, looking at the pair of them.

“Just while Mark's away you can stay with me, okay?”

He stood and indicated towards the stairs again, rather than showing them to the kitchen as normal. The animals leapt at their chance, bounding up the stairs with him, heading straight for their bedroom and rubbing up against his legs as Seb walked in. He sat on the edge of the bed and gave each of their heads a stroke.

“So you guys can stay on the floor as long as you're good.”

The pair dropped down, each looking up for approval.

“Good boys.”

Sebastian was absolutely certain they understood.

 

 

 

 

They spent the next few days trying not to think about how much their phones felt like a lifeline, keeping them connected. Keeping busy was the best distraction, though Mark was tempted once again to tell Seb that he was taking it too far when Sebastian admitted that he had had to curtail his session on the simulator when doing repeated laps of the Abu Dhabi circuit left him feeling dizzy and on the edge of nausea kicking in.

“It could just be psychosomatic,” tried Seb.

Mark had to stop himself pointing out that Seb was somehow still finding a way to classify a reaction as being in some way his own fault. He didn't want to sound as if he was criticising him.

“Dr. Roberts said it would still take a while for everything to go away didn't she? Don't stress about it, okay?”

Sebastian nodded. He'd had to persuade himself to tell Mark this when he knew it would worry him, but he knew that it would be a lie of omission not to and they did not lie to one another.

“Okay.”

“And you were alright after?” checked Mark.

“Yeah I just took a bit of time before I drove home. It wasn't anything like as bad as last time.”

“Good. Well at least you stopped.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian took a deep settling breath.

“No, I guess... Yeah you're right. I'm glad I stopped and didn't let it get worse.”

“So am I,” interjected Mark.

Seb huffed a little laugh at how firmly Mark said that. He wondered whether the fact Mark was away had reminded him that he had to take care of himself. It hadn't been something he had consciously thought of at the time, but Seb supposed he had been aware he couldn't go calling Mark to come and pick him up. Maybe he was still working on getting better at looking after himself and part of that was allowing himself to admit when he wasn't okay.

“I suppose...” Seb stopped abruptly.

“What?”

“Just, this is going to sound weird.”

Mark shook his head, despite knowing Seb couldn't see him.

“It won't. It's fine Seb.”

Sebastian took in another breath before continuing.

“Well just I guess it's good that I felt confident enough to say I needed to stop.”

Mark closed his eyes at the reminder of how fragile Seb's self-confidence could still be. He knew full-well that Sebastian couldn't bring himself to confess any perceived weakness to the team. It must have taken courage from Seb's point of view to admit he needed to stop at all.

“Of course that's good. What did you say?”

“I just said it had been a long day. I didn't want to say I felt ill.”

“No, well...”

“I mean not really ill Liebling,” Seb rushed, “just a bit iffy that's all.”

 

Mark puffed a breath. He knew that to outsiders Seb having a little dodgy moment might seem like nothing, but even the smallest issue reminded them both of how the potential for trouble remained. On the flight over Mark had been too awake to really sleep, but as his mind drifted, every worst case scenario Sebastian's doctor had mentioned filtered though his head; Seb working too hard just like this and making himself ill, any kind of incident with Seb forgetting something and it upsetting him, and worst of all, Seb having an accident that might result in him hitting his head; slipping getting out of the bath, tripping on the stairs, falling over the dogs getting in his way.

The idea of something happening while Mark wasn't around terrified him. His traitorous imagination pictured Sebastian fallen to the floor, hurt, and Mark not there to help. It was one of the reasons Mark rang Seb as often as he could, if only for a few minutes just to check in. If he called and Seb didn't answer when he ought to be free, Mark knew he would panic. Each night when he closed his eyes, Mark had to crush those frightening images and remember the conversations they'd just had; Seb curled up on the sofa with the dogs at home, safe.

Mark knew that there were all kinds of unresolved fears that mingled with the sensible advice the doctor had given them, pushing him to paranoia in weak moments. Seb could look after himself. Mark had to stop wanting to smother him in bubble-wrap or it would drive both of them crazy. He forced himself to sound positive.

“Okay, well yeah, course it's not good you felt ill darling, but you did the right thing. I'm sure that's just one of those side-effects that's going to take a while to wear off.”

“Yeah I guess. I'm going to have another go on Friday.”

 

Mark wanted to laugh and sigh at the same time. Sebastian was impossible. When he found something he struggled with, his instinct was always to keep pushing to overcome it.

“Right, well as long as you stick with stopping when you don't feel alright. Okay darling?”

Seb nodded. At least he'd learnt the lesson of how counter-productive going too far had been before.

“Yeah, I will I promise.”

“Okay.” Mark felt himself relax with that. “Other than that, everything's okay?”

“Yeah fine, there's really nothing to worry about with me,” insisted Seb, “it's only a little thing. I just thought I should tell you, that's all.”

“Of course you should. Okay well as long as you're alright.”

“I'm fine. Anyway this is supposed to be about you Liebling. Tell me all about your day.”

 

 

Every time they spoke, Seb found himself having to re-direct Mark from checking up on him into letting Seb hear about how Mark was doing instead so he could try to find ways of supporting him better. When he went back to see Henry on the Thursday, Sebastian deliberately guided the session to ensure it remained on the positive side. That way he didn't have anything to worry Mark with when they talked or to give himself another dilemma about hiding something from him. It was better that way. Seb failed to see how he protected himself just as much by not allowing them to wander into difficult territory without Mark there waiting for him afterwards, but thankfully Dr. Menton knew Mark was away and understood well enough not to push.

Sebastian was starting to feel as though he could congratulate himself on handling their separation far better than he had feared. Exercise, work, phone-calls and texts all kept him going and when he got lonely the dogs usually cheered him up, although Seb had found himself hanging around the kitchen on Thursday when Pauline had been over so he could chat to her and she hadn't needed telling to know how much Seb missed Mark.

It wasn't easy, but he was getting through.

 

It helped that Mark was getting on well in Bahrain. The dry weather made for steady running and Mark himself had to admit that it did make for a more straight-forward weekend when in other locations at this time of year they would be at the mercy of the seasons. The car was performing pretty well too, so by qualifying on the Friday Mark was feeling pretty optimistic. Seb had got his preparations at the factory out of the way that morning to make sure he was home to watch how Mark got on. Mark had told him he needn't rush if he had work to do, but he couldn't help being pleased that Seb had built his day around him, getting back in time to speak to Mark before the session began to give him a quick boost, just as Seb knew helped him in turn.

Once he stepped out of the post-qualifying press conference Mark was on the phone to Sebastian. Mark knew he had to get on to do his interviews but he detoured via the garage to steal just a few moments out the back.

Sebastian had gone through to the kitchen once the coverage had finished, not expecting Mark to be free for a while and had to run back through to snatch up his phone from the coffee table when he heard it ringing.

“Mark, sorry, hey.”

Mark could hear he sounded a little rushed.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, I was in the kitchen. I thought you had media stuff now.”

Mark smiled.

“I do. I just wanted to speak to you first.”

Sebastian pulled himself together to say what he knew he should have done already.

“Yeah. Ah Mark, well done, that was great. I'm so proud of you Liebling.”

Mark leaned back against the wall, grinning to himself. When Sebastian said that he felt a foot taller.

“Not just me of course,” he adjusted.

Sebastian smiled. He could hear how happy Mark was over the phone. It might seem rude, but he didn't care about the other drivers' contribution. Only Mark counted for Seb.

“You did so well. It was really close.”

Mark chuckled at the way Seb ignored his inclusion of his team-mates. It was hard not to enjoy being the focus of attention.

“Mm, well maybe we were owed a bit of luck for once.”

“Tsk, _luck_. It wasn't luck. You were brilliant,” insisted Sebastian.

“Well the car's not too bad as well.”

“Yeah I guess.”

 

Mark caught sight of one of Porsche's PR guys hovering near the garage entrance and knew he was out of time far too soon.

“Sorry darling, I've got to go. I just wanted to grab a quick word.”

“Oh okay.”

“I'll call you back when I can.”

“No it's fine, of course, I understand.”

Mark unconsciously nodded. At least when they said that they really did properly understand how things were for the other.

“I did get your texts, I just haven't had time to reply. I thought it was quicker to call,” he excused.

Sebastian smiled.

“A call's better. Anyway you go.”

“I'll call back when I can.”

“Mark it's fine. I just wanted to say well done. Phone whenever you're free, don't worry about it. You've race prep and stuff, just call when you're back at the hotel or whatever. Don't stress about it.”

Mark chuckled at Sebastian telling _him_ not to stress. He let out a sigh, thinking all he really wanted to do right now was bask in Seb sounding so pleased for him. Maybe he shouldn't admit it, but that was probably more of an ego boost than the pole position the number seventeen car had just secured for the race. Mark heard a none too subtle 'hurry up' cough in the distance and signed off with more promises to call Seb back when he could. He'd exchange all of those phone-calls for one hug.

 

 

 

 

 

Mark sat in the car on the grid ready for the off. Another race into twilight meant that despite the stable weather here, conditions would change throughout the race. Getting to be in the car at the start meant he had more pressure, but at least it gave him daylight running which was considerably easier than driving with the sun dipping into your eyes. Given how good the floodlighting was at this circuit, Mark thought that sunset was probably going be the most difficult patch and he was getting pretty lucky to have an early spell, then most likely another stint after dark. That was assuming things went to plan of course. Over six hours there were any number of things that could come their way to throw all that out of the window.

When he'd been on the phone to Seb earlier, Sebastian had given Mark a tip when he explained how much work he had done recently on concentrating all his attention on the immediate tasks to hand, rather than allowing larger worries to creep in and take over. It was good advice. Mark looked over the dashboard and listened to the Porsche engineer speaking to him, replying that everything seemed good. No worrying about the rest of the race, just focus on the start. He was ready.

 

Sebastian set his coffee down in front of him on the table without taking his eyes off the television screen as he watched the countdown to the race start. Mark had sounded a little nervous on the phone and it seemed so wrong to Seb that he wasn't there to give him a hug to wipe those nerves out. He'd said all he could think of to help and Mark had seemed to take it on board. Mark had told him he'd re-read Seb's letter before going down to the garage so it did feel as if he was there with him in a way. The camera had just shown Mark but he hadn't waved. Seb hoped that meant Mark had been focussing on the race ahead, not that he was too anxious about it. Race starts were always nerve-wracking experiences, whichever role you were in. At least from pole Mark had a chance to hopefully zoom off and not get mixed up in any messing at the first corner. Fingers crossed anyway.

Seb pulled Mark's hoody tighter around him and gave each of the dogs beside him a quick rub.

“He'll be fine, okay?”

Seb was half-convinced that one of these days they'd answer and tell him that they weren't the ones who were worried.

 

Sebastian didn't think he'd ever stop worrying for the entirety of any race Mark was in. The level of worry merely fluctuated according to the Mark's situation. Once Mark had survived the off, retaining his lead position, Seb's anxiety took a few steps down. As they got a few laps in, Mark retaining his position at the front, Seb sat back and gave the dogs a little rub, but it wasn't until Mark jumped out of the car to allow Timo to climb in for his stint at the wheel that Sebastian felt close to relaxing. Even then he couldn't completely let go as everything that happened to the number seventeen car effectively happened to Mark, whether he was at the wheel or not. Though at least when Mark was busy in the garage, Seb knew he was safe.

That point was hammered home all too firmly when Wurz at the wheel of one of the Toyotas caught wheels with a GT car he was attempting to lap and slammed into the barriers alongside the pits.

Seb winced as he saw the car bounce off the wall from the impact, spinning back into the track with half its front hanging off. He might be Mark's competition, but Alex was a decent guy and Seb was sorry to see his race end this way. When it came down to it of course Seb knew that all that mattered was getting to see him make the short walk back to the pits without any discernible injuries. The commentary made much the same point, but the impact had been nasty and the driver was reported to have been sent to the medical centre for a check up. Seb was glad to hear it. He knew only too well how a driver might brush off the effects of a crash. He wondered if Wurz was shaken, if he pretended to be fine as Seb did. He supposed he would never know, seeing as no driver would ever admit anything like that to him apart from Mark.

 

Mark stood in the garage, glad as Seb, and indeed everyone was, that his rival wasn't actually hurt, but his main focus was on the fact that the full-course yellows had brought out the safety car and that nice lead he and Timo had worked so hard on building up was about to be wiped out, right at the point where the light was beginning to fade.

With all the debris on track it took a full fifteen minutes before the safety car came back in and as Mark had suspected, the timing was awful. The sun had sunk into the eye-lines of the drivers, right at the optimum level to distract them and make finding apex points, and indeed other cars on track, as hard as possible to see. Mark blamed this fact more than Timo for the way that Jenson in sister car stole a march on him and slipped by going into a corner to take the lead only half a lap later. There was an awkward moment in the garage when the team hardly knew how to react. In fairness to Jenson, the opportunity had presented itself and he hadn't been instructed not to overtake, but it was annoying as hell to think that if there hadn't been a safety car Mark knew they would have been away in the distance. He watched for a couple more laps and then went to find his phone.

 

Sebastian heard his phone buzz and picked it up.

MARK: Bollocks.

 

Seb bit his lip trying not to laugh. Maybe he shouldn't when he knew Mark was pissed off, but the blunt message was so _Mark,_ Sebastian couldn't help it.

He knew Mark might not be able to answer whilst in the garage but Sebastian understood Mark had been reaching out to be cheered up, so he rang anyway.

Mark was about to fit his phone away when it rang. He looked around him and considered that seeing as Brendon was due in the car next, he really could step out to take it.

 

Seb was about to hang up and send a text in reply when Mark answered.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Sorry. You okay?” checked Sebastian.

Mark found a crate to sit out out the back.

“Yeah mate, just... you know.”

“Mm.”

“I could see it coming a mile off.”

“Shame Timo couldn't,” suggested Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“Not his fault really. The light's terrible round here at this time.”

“Yeah I suppose. Didn't the team tell Jense to hold off on the restart?”

“No. As long as it's a clean move, it's allowed.”

“Right, well. I suppose. Is it awful to say it's better JB than someone else?”

Mark managed a smile.

“No, not awful, just... yeah that's racing isn't it?”

“Mm. I guess there's plenty of race left to take it back, right?”

“Yeah.”

Seb could read Mark's tone of voice.

“I know it's annoying when you were going so well,” he offered.

Mark took a deep breath.

“Yeah. Safety car, whaddya gonna do?”

“I know.”

Mark was reminded how the safety car had partially been to blame for Seb's bad race in Brazil and changed the subject slightly.

“Timo wants to do a double stint to try to get it back.”

“Oh? Will they let him?”

“Think so. I guess you could say he's sufficiently motivated to retake the lead.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Is that code for fuming?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah mate, you could say so.”

“Right, well I guess we'll see what happens. What does that mean for you?”

Mark frowned a little as he thought it out.

“Um, guess another hour or so for Timo, then Brendon, then me again.”

“So you've got a while,” noted Seb.

“Guess I have.”

“Why don't you go stretch your legs, get some food or something?”

Mark thought about it. Staring at the TV screen unable to do anything about what was happening on track was only going to make him more annoyed and frustrated.

“Yeah good idea. Might just go do that. I'll just check it's okay, then I'll call you back.”

Sebastian smiled to hear Mark taking his suggestion up. One advantage of the shared driving role in WEC was that they had time to regroup before going again. They hung up and only five minutes later Mark rang him back to continue talking to Seb while he took his break. Seeing as Mark didn't want to discuss the race any more, Seb worked on coming up with anything he could tell Mark about his uneventful day at home and ran on about that for as long as he could. Mark didn't care that it was unexciting hearing about walking the dogs and the weather. The distraction was enough to take him far from the race here and transport Mark back into the English countryside, walking alongside Seb on those frosty paths taking the out dogs this morning, a million miles from a race-track sprung up in the desert as night fell.

 

When he returned to the garage Mark felt rather better and reset himself as he watched Brendon at the wheel trying to fight back, dicing in the dark now around the floodlit track. Twenty minutes in, the number seventeen was hanging onto the back of Dumas in the other Porsche LMP1 car when Brendon pulled a lovely little manoeuvre into the last corner and swung ahead. The reaction in the garage was tempered when it was an intra-team swap at the front, but Mark applauded happily. Last time round he had been happy with second, but now the win really seemed possible he didn't want anything else.

 

Sebastian was equally happy at home. He clapped loudly as he sat there and the dogs sat up to see what had got him excited, so he pointed to the screen and explained what had happened, as if he would get an understanding nod from the animals once he'd made things clear. Seb smiled to himself, knowing anyone other than Mark would probably think him crazy. He settled down and took a sip of his now stone-cold coffee seeing as he didn't want to leave to go into the kitchen to make a fresh one in case he missed anything.

Brendon had pulled a slight gap at the front which should give them a chance to hold the lead when he pitted. Seb checked the time and was sure that Mark must be in the car again soon. Only a few minutes later he watched as the camera homed in on Mark in the garage and smiled as Mark gave him a little wave, Seb absolutely certain that the wave was for him. He said good luck and waved back, watching as Mark put on his helmet and got ready before he went to lurk at the edge of the garage ready to leap in while the mechanics did their work and Brendon hopped out of the car.

It always struck Seb how different these things were from in F1. Pits always looked so slow by comparison due to all the rules about who could work on the car and when.

Seb wished he hadn't been thinking about that when only ten minutes into Mark's stint, the coverage reported that there had been some kind of pitstop regulations infraction and the camera showed consternation in the Porsche garage as they tried to fathom what rule they had broken. Whatever it was, a penalty had been imposed. Seb sighed and dropped back on the sofa.

He shook his head at the dogs.

“No, I've no idea either. Stupid rules,” Seb moaned.

Shadow shifted up and plonked his chin on Sebastian's thigh. Seb gave his head a rub as the dog looked up at him.

“Stupid rules,” he repeated sadly.

 

Mark was using rather stronger language as he got on the radio to ask what was going on.

“Sorry Mark, we're awaiting clarification. We need you to come in for the time penalty this lap.”

“How long?”

“Sixty seconds.”

“You're fucking kidding me?”

“We just need to get it out of the way.”

Mark wanted to protest that it wasn't fair, but what good did that do? He just had to suck it up.

 

Sebastian sat timing how long Mark sat helplessly in the pit-box on his own watch. It felt far longer than sixty seconds. He could only guess at how long it felt to poor Mark in the car. Hours probably. Out on the track, not only had the other Porsche retaken the lead, but the second Audi had stolen second place as well. An angry, petulant part of Mark wanted to climb out of the damn car and throw something across the garage, but he couldn't do that. There were still over two hours left of the race. A lot could happen yet and Mark knew that he had to see if he could to _make_ something happen for them.

 

The split-second the stop-go penalty was completed Mark shot off again, returning to track attempting to turn all that annoyance and frustration into attack mode. No sulking about the penalty being unfair. Seb was watching, he had to show him that all their talk of never giving up wasn't merely words.

Mark pressed on, trying to close the gap to the car in front, lap after lap in that slightly strange artificial light from the thousands of light bulbs illuminating the strip of tarmac in the sand. Although the level of light on the track was almost that equivalent to day, the sharp contrast with the darkness beyond made it feel oddly as if you were driving in a tunnel. Mark knew there weren't too many fans watching in the stands out there. It made the whole thing feel slightly unreal, as if you were inside a computer game, and if you were tired that effect could become even more pronounced as your brain strayed from what it understood as normal. It made for potentially dangerous running and Mark hoped his years of experience taught him to be more alert at these times rather than being sucked into the strangeness.

It didn't take long before one of the lower category cars did just as Mark had feared. The driver appeared to have a concentration fade going through the bends and lost it when they edged too far over the line. Dust and bodywork flew as the car dug tyres into the gravel trap at turn three and flipped. Sebastian sat forwards sharply to see if the driver was alright. He felt a little guilty that his first reaction to any crash was to be grateful that it wasn't Mark, but though he didn't know the driver, Seb genuinely was concerned and was relieved to see him climb out from the wreckage apparently unharmed.

Seb sat back and puffed out a breath, then shook his head as he realised that had happened where he had once come off himself. At least he hadn't flipped the car like this guy had. Seb recalled it had been in daylight, during practice rather than the actual race. Seb thought back and tried to recall if he had been scared by it. He was fairly sure that he hadn't been, not then. He'd just been annoyed. If it happened now Sebastian suspected his reaction would be different. The accident had changed things. Maybe it was only temporary and as with so many other aspects of his life it would get better? The only way he would find out would be to keep racing and see what happened. Seb huffed a little laugh thinking it was a greater incentive not to have incidents in the first place.

He watched as the safety car came out again and reflected how this time it worked to Mark's advantage as the two lead cars dropped back into his clutches.

 

Sat in the car, Mark thought the same. He trailed obediently round and round, keeping tabs on the Audi in front until the restart was called and he bolted from the off, jumping the car ahead. He put two wheels over the line on the outside of the bend in order to achieve the move, but the car held without going too far and he pressed on, back in second place.

Sebastian shocked the dogs by jumping up off the sofa to cheer. They sprang onto the carpet to join him, barking and leaping at Sebastian as he whooped out happily, then dropped down to give them hugs, veering away when they took the chance to lick his face.

“Urgh, _boys_ , that's really gross you know,” he complained, then with a final rub Seb got up and sat himself back on the sofa to watch how things played out.

 

Mark was feeling almost as pleased in the car, but he knew he couldn't allow himself to get carried away. He refocussed on the lead car, knowing that as the twin of his own it had, at least in theory, identical levels of performance. Mark knew that he had to get as close as possible and hope that either they made a slip or something happened with passing back-markers to give him a chance to get by.

Lap after lap it went on; the number seventeen hanging on to the back of the number eighteen. Every half chance he got, Mark tried to see if there was a way through, but nothing quite worked and when the one real opportunity opened up as the number eighteen got stuck behind one of the GT Ferraris going into a bend, Mark squeaked just a few inches too far as he risked going over the line and skidded wide in the dust and sand that lay beyond the track, disguised in the dark.

The car squirrelled for a moment, but Mark held it and brought the car back on circuit, the lead car now farther away. He refocussed on steadying his pulse and bringing his driving under control. If he could calm things down then Mark was sure that he could get back in touch to try again.

He ran for a couple more laps until Mark was getting closer and he was just beginning to think that he might be in a position to start looking for a way past again when the radio came through telling him to pit. Mark wondered darkly whether this was Porsche's way of calling him off the hunt, but then he knew they had to pit to exchange of drivers for the final stint after this and all things being equal they each ought to lose the same amount of time in the pits.

Mark still wanted to argue he should stay out to see if he could take his chance to get by, but he restrained himself, knowing that the team were working to a plan and the tyres and fuel were carefully calculated to run for a limited time. If he stayed out just because he thought he knew better, Mark not only risked the wrath of the team, but could find himself in trouble out on track. There was nothing for it but to obey and come in as instructed.

He climbed out and Brendon took his place once more. Mark tried to persuade himself that at least it had to be clear he had tried his best. He knew Seb would understand that, but Mark hoped that Porsche could see it too. He took a little time with the team to go over how his stint had gone, half an eye on the race as Mark watched his team-mate continuing as he had, trailing in second place, looking for a chance to get ahead.

 

As he finished up discussing with the team the minor incident where Mark had scooted off the edge of the track, it occurred to him how much that must have alarmed Sebastian watching at home. As soon as the conversation was over Mark found his phone and disappeared out the back to quickly call him.

“Hey.”

“Oh Mark, you're alright aren't you? You looked so annoyed.”

Mark laughed, oddly lifted by how concerned Seb sounded.

“Yeah I'm fine sweetheart. Did I look pissed off when I got out then?”

“You did a bit, sorry.”

Mark shrugged.

“Nah, guess I was. I still don't get why we were penalised.”

“Me either.”

“And the moment at the end there. Sorry, I know that must have scared you.”

Sebastian let out a long puff of air.

“A bit. It's alright, you held it really well.”

“Thanks, just caught the dust. You can't see where it's bad at this time.”

“No guess not.”

“Gave me a bit of a fright too,” Mark confessed.

“Did it? You're alright aren't you?”

“Yeah.” Mark sighed. “I just couldn't get by.”

“No, well Brendon's doing no better. You did your best Liebling.”

“Mm.”

“You've every right to be be pissed off. That penalty didn't make sense. You deserve to be in the lead,” insisted Sebastian.

Mark didn't answer and Seb wondered if he'd said the wrong thing.

“Sorry. I'm probably just making it worse.”

“No you're not, you're just right that's all.”

“Second is really good.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Mm.”

“And no one could say you weren't fighting. I'm sure Porsche will be really happy with this result,” Seb continued.

“Race isn't actually over yet,” Mark pointed out.

“Of course not. I suppose you need to get back.”

“I do.”

“No matter how it turns out, I'm really proud of you Liebling.”

Mark smiled. How could he be less than satisfied with life when he heard a thing like that?

“Thank you darling. I guess second's pretty good and you're right, the team will be happy.”

“They will and second _is_ good,” emphasised Seb.

Mark nodded.

“Okay. Guess I'd better go back through.”

“Have I made you feel any better?”

Mark huffed another laugh at how hopeful Seb sounded.

“Yes course you have. You always do, thank you.”

Sebastian sat back, pleased to hear it. Mark did sound rather better than when this conversation had begun. They said their goodbyes and Mark went back through to the garage.

 

He had a chat with Jenson as they sat watching the rest of the race, avoiding talking too much about the specifics when they were in direct competition with each other. Jess was there as well having arrived only today to be there for the race. She sat on Jenson's other side, offering over a neutral smile, not wanting to sympathise when she suspected it wouldn't sit right when the two cars were battling each other. Mark smiled and nodded back at her. Jess was a nice girl and Mark was happy for Jenson that he could have her there with him, but it reminded Mark once more that Seb wasn't here.

At least he'd got to speak to him. That was something. Every time he did so, Mark felt better for it. In a way it barely mattered what Sebastian actually said, what mattered that he could tell how much Seb was trying to support him. As he had gone to stand outside Mark had pulled his Porsche shell over his race-suit to keep warm in the colder night air and he still had it on now. As he saw a camera home in on them Mark looked up and thought of Seb watching. He waved to the camera, thinking in his head; _'hello sweetheart,'_ and knew without doubt that Seb would be saying it in turn as he waved back.

Just before the camera pulled back Mark thought how Sebastian helped despite not being there in person. There was at least one part of him with Mark, still tucked in the inside top pocket of his jacket, right above his heart. Seb's paper heart stayed safely stowed away in place. Mark smiled and patted over it with his right hand as he looked into the camera, hoping that Seb understood what he was saying.

 

At home Sebastian had just ceased waving when he saw what Mark was doing. He stopped and stared. To anyone else watching Seb knew it would look as if Mark had just patted the Porsche logo and that he might be saying something about being glad to be back with the team, but Seb knew that wasn't it. He was saying thank you to him. Seb replied in kind, thinking that as long as Mark came home safe he didn't really care what result he got.

 

Mark settled in for the last part of the race, thinking he was reconciled to accepting that second place really was a decent result, when he another call came through on his headphones as the pitwall radioed through.

“Penalty given. Come in this lap. Thirty second stop and go.”

Mark sat upright. What the hell? How could they have another mysterious penalty? He looked to Jenson who shrugged and they both looked to the screen where they had been watching both cars looping the track, making their way past lapped cars as they got towards the end of the six hours. On screen there flashed up a sign saying _'Car 18: 30s penalty.'_

Eighteen. They were talking to _eighteen_ not seventeen. Mark guessed his concentration must have lapsed as he'd failed to notice who was being spoken to, but he still didn't know what the penalty was for and clearly Romain thought the same as he came on to complain.

“But I did nothing?”

“Exceeding track limits.”

All of them heard the frustrated puff of breath as the driver bit his tongue to stop himself asking what he was supposed to do when he came across an LMP2 car limping round at approximately fifty miles an hour, bang in his way coming out of a corner. Arguing did no good though, they all knew that. Mark shook his head at his friend as Jessica gave Jenson's arm a sympathetic rub.

“Don't know what they stewards are playing at today mate,” consoled Mark.

Jenson sighed and nodded. Nothing to be done. He appreciated that Mark was being sincere, even if they also both knew that would put the number seventeen back in front.

The garage all watched as the car pulled up and sat for an agonising half a minute in place before shooting off again. On the television the commentators were gleefully remarking on how endurance racing could still throw up late surprises to keep the viewers hooked and Mark wondered suspiciously whether that could be intentional. Then again he had to admit that he had seen the other car veer completely off track to make that pass earlier. There hadn't had a lot of choice in the matter if he wanted to avoid a crash, but apparently the stewards were taking a hard line today.

 

 

With only fifteen minutes to go Sebastian sat on the very edge of the sofa, torn between wanting the camera to remain locked on the number seventeen car to be sure that it held the lead and watching with fascination to see if the number eighteen could make up the place it had lost to at least regain second spot. With only five minutes to go it was right on the back of the Audi driven by Lotterer.

The commentators had started speculating about what the points tally would be at the end of the race and only then did Sebastian realise how high the stakes were. The championship could still go any number of ways. As Mark had missed two races he had lost too many points to be in contention, so they had barely discussed it, but depending on where the sister car finished in relation to the two Audis, it was still in with a chance and as the presenters had just pointed out, as things stood if the number eighteen car could take back second spot then that would be enough to clinch it for them. Sebastian clenched his fists tight as he watched. There was just too much tension.

 

In the garage it was even worse. Mark knew that with him out for two races his team-mates had borne the strain and although their results had been reasonably creditable he didn't think it was too egotistical of him to think that if he had been there with them they might have had more support to get slightly better results. As it was the result could go to either the number eighteen Porsche, or one of the Audi's could scoop up the prize from under their noses. The minutes ticked down, then tension almost unbearable as Dumas in the eighteen finally fought his way back into second place and then continued his charge towards the front.

Mark knew the number eighteen wanted the win, but it wasn't so close that Porsche had to call it and force them to let them past to secure the championship. Just so long as they held second ahead of either Audi they would be fine. Of course that was assuming things stayed as they were. There was still time for something else to happen that could alter the result and all them were too long in this game to assume they were safe until they passed the finish line. He noticed the way Jess was holding Jenson's hand and tried not to think how he ought to be holding Seb's right now. Seb was watching at home. Mark knew his support was there, no matter they were separated by thousands of miles. He thought about the contents of his pocket and closed his eyes for a moment to absorb that support.

He couldn't win the championship, but the race, that was right on the verge now. Mark knew no one had a right to say they deserved a win, but after everything this year had thrown at him, couldn't he have this one? He honestly didn't think too much about the overall title, certainly not to even consider resenting having to give up races to be at home with Seb. That thought didn't even cross his mind. All Mark was thinking about now was the smaller picture of _this_ race. A year ago his final race of the season had ended in disaster and all he had wanted was Sebastian there in the garage to make him feel better. Now a year later, Seb couldn't be here for different reasons and Mark prayed that the result wouldn't be the same. He didn't think he could bear it.

 

Sebastian clutched his hands together, now sat on the very cusp of falling off the sofa. Last lap, the very last few seconds and although the two Porsches remained locked in tight formation, the number seventeen retained the lead. Brendon just had to hold it for the last few corners.

“Hold on, hold on,” whispered Sebastian urgently.

He started to bounce on the edge of the seat as the end drew in sight, then there was the chequered flag, the last few yards and...

“Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Sebastian leapt up and started jumping around like an over-excited five year old. The dogs copied him, oblivious to the details, but thrilled to see him so happy.

The television cut to a shot of the Porsche garage where scenes of even greater jubilation had broken out. Seb dropped to kneel close in front of the screen and watched as hugs were exchanged between all and sundry. He waved at the screen as he saw Mark hug both Jenson and Jess before grabbing Timo in what looked close to a headlock.

“Well done Liebling,” whispered Sebastian to the screen, “well done.”

Seb smiled as he saw Mark glance in the direction of the camera and sat back on his haunches, struck by a sudden and terrible sadness that he wasn't there. Seb wanted to be giving Mark one of those hugs, to see that smile grow warmer and the light in those eyes shine a little brighter as he told Mark how proud he was of him. Sebastian took a deep breath and tried to push the idea away. It wasn't possible. That's just the way it was. Nothing to be done about it. No point getting upset.

The dogs pushed themselves into him and Sebastian wiped away his tears and gave them a hug instead. He looked at them as they lifted their heads to see and Seb wondered what on earth they must think of him being so up and down like this.

“Poor things. You must think I'm mad.”

He gave them a rub and tried to cheer himself up.

“It's alright really. I'm just happy for him. Aren't you proud of Mark? He won, he really won.”

Seb gave them one last rub and then went to find his phone. He half hoped it would ring, but then the end of a race was always a slightly chaotic time and the Porsche garage seemed to have erupted into pandemonium. The drivers were off, making their way to the podium ceremony and the commentators were excitedly discussing what a fantastic day for Porsche it was. They'd won the constructors' championship, the drivers' championship with the number eighteen car, and the race with the number seventeen car. It didn't really get any better than that and in only their second year back. Amazing really.

Sebastian pulled himself together and started firing off texts. He got a buzz back and saw one from his brother that made him laugh.

FABIAN: OMG, HE WON! :-0)

Sebastian shook his head and smiled as he replied.

SEB: I noticed. What did you expect? I told you didn't I? Mark's amazing.

He let out a happier sigh and sat back to watch the festivities play out, thinking how much Mark had earned this.

 

 

Mark stood on the podium, spray flying everywhere. The entire Porsche team were gathered in front, cheering wildly. All six drivers looped arms and bounced up and down to celebrate. A win. A double win. A triple win. That really was amazing.

Mark hoped his two team-mates were as sanguine as he really was about the fact that the other car had been the ones to win the championship this year. They always said that they didn't blame him for leaving them in the lurch that autumn and Mark was fairly sure that they meant it. There really was no point speculating about what might have happened if he had been there to share the racing. No way was Mark going to let himself go down that route as it would feel as if he was blaming Seb for having the accident and needing him around. No, Mark shut that train of thought down entirely. For all he knew, the results could have been exactly the same. This was enough. The team was thrilled and a win right at the end of the year was perfect.

Mark looked out at the crowd and saw Jessica waving happily to her husband. Seb ought to be by her side. He ought to be waving with a proud smile on his face. He ought to be here. It wasn't fair. Jenson to his side gave him a tug inwards and Mark broadened his smile for the photographs. Seb was supporting him from home, that had to be enough.

 

 

 

 

 

An hour later Mark was changed out of his race gear, still surrounded by the team in their temporary base at the circuit. He had done interview after interview with the media as Porsche wanted to capitalise on their triumph and it hadn't been too much of a hardship to say how thrilled he was with the win and what a fantastic outfit Porsche was to be a part of. Mark did feel bad that he had only managed a couple of minutes on the phone with Seb to share the moment. It wasn't really enough, but Mark was already thinking of how quickly he could get out of here to rush to the airport to try to get an earlier flight home.

As he looked up from his watch Mark saw Jess approaching. She walked up and gave him the biggest hug before letting go.

“Um, thanks.”

Jess shook her head.

“That was from Seb. He sent me a text and asked me to pass it on.”

Mark smiled, thinking again how much he wanted the real thing.

“Well still thanks,” he replied.

 

Mark shrugged and let out a little sigh. Jess gave him a sympathetic smile in reply, knowing there was really nothing to be said and Mark nodded back thanks. He and Jenson had discussed this more than once of the past few days. He wasn't at all surprised that his friend had discussed it with his wife in turn. Mark was about to add something else when his boss approached, glass of champagne in one hand, phone in the other.

“Mark, no drink?” smiled Andreas.

“Oh, well, think I'm still rehydrating to be honest,” answered Mark, taking a sip of his water to prove a point.

“Right, well anyway,” breezed Andreas, “apologies Jessica, but I need to borrow Mark for a moment.”

Mark looked at him curiously, but allowed himself to be drawn away. Andreas took him to a back room and Mark waited on his own for a moment, wondering what this was about, until all five other drivers joined him, each looking as confused as Mark did. Andreas stood facing them now they were all collected in a quiet place.

Andreas smiled.

“Okay, first off, well done again.”

The group nodded and said thanks, then he continued.

“Second, I need you to clear your Monday for me.”

Mark frowned.

“Sorry?”

“Monday morning I need you all in Stuttgart where we're going to have a pretty big day.”

Andreas grinned at them, enjoying teasing his drivers.

“I've just got off the phone and I have to tell you, everyone is thrilled with how this year has gone, not just eighteen getting the overall win for which well done again of course, but the whole team. For Porsche to achieve the constructors' championship has taken both cars and I want to pass on thanks from everyone, but as I say, Monday is the day the whole board would like to do it in person.”

Mark smiled, thinking that meant they would like to do it in front of the media at their headquarters for maximum publicity, but there was nothing wrong with that.

“And,” continued Andreas, “there's another issue that we would like to get settled on Monday. It's a little ahead of time but consensus of opinion is that we should make the most of a good moment.”

Mark caught Brendon grinning and suddenly he clicked.

“Oh wow. You're kidding?” Mark let out.

Andreas shook his head.

“More than well deserved. Now then. Monday. You're all free?”

There was a chorus of yes's and Andreas went through the details to check that they were all happy with things.

 

“Good. Now then, I think we've a pretty late night planned here, so logistics will sort everything out and I think the easiest thing is just to go straight onto Germany tomorrow afternoon ready for the next day.”

The other two nodded acquiescence and Andreas didn't seem to notice Mark's hesitation.

“Great, well you go back to the party. Oh and for now, if you could keep this to yourselves. Porsche would like to make the most out of an official announcement tomorrow to follow up.

They nodded again and said their thanks, Timo and Brendon shaking their boss's hand before leaving, but Mark hung back.

“Everything alright?” checked Andreas as soon as they were alone.

“No, good, great, really that's fantastic. I did want to say thanks, especially after what's happened. I'm sure you had to put in a word for me to be included.”

Andreas perched himself on the edge of a little table in the empty office room they were using.

“Actually Mark, I didn't. You come as a team. That's how you work best and I didn't have to convince anyone of your commitment to Porsche.”

“Oh. Right, well...”

Mark drifted off, not sure what to say to that. Andreas reached over and gave him a pat on the arm.

“Mark I know we've had our difficulties, but I think we're past that now. I meant what I said, it's taken the efforts of everyone in this team to do what we've done this year. Without those double points from winning Le Mans it would be Audi that took the constructors championship. I don't think that detail is lost on those who matter in this team, okay?”

Mark took a deep breath.

“Okay. Thanks and I really do want to say thanks again for sticking by me through, well, you know, everything.”

Andreas nodded.

“Isn't that what being a team is about? Through the hard as well as the rest, hm? Hopefully next year we'll do it without the things we've had to get past this year, eh?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“God I certainly hope so.”

He knew Andreas was referring to the doubts that the board had had with him, not Mark being out due to needing to be with Seb after his accident, but Mark hoped that wasn't to be repeated, more than anything else.

 

“Indeed. Well hopefully we can build on our success. Monday will be a day to shout that to the world a bit, but also to thank the team at our base,” Andreas explained.

“Of course.”

Mark was about to nod and smile and leave, but he couldn't help saying what he wanted to.

“Andreas... Look, I'm sorry to be a pain about this and I absolutely promise I will be there on Monday, but would it be terrible if I asked to go home first as I planned?”

Andreas stopped and then he realised why Mark was asking.

“You want to see Seb?”

“Yeah mate I really do. All this, I couldn't do it without him and he's not here right now...”

Andreas nodded.

“I see, well... Yes of course Mark, I understand.”

Mark shrugged.

“Hardly your fault mate, but yeah it's not great. Anyway, I don't want to bring things down and if you'd rather I stayed...”

“No no Mark, it's no problem, we're really all done here apart from the celebrating and there'll be plenty of that on Monday. If you really want to go.”

“I do.”

Andreas smiled at how quickly Mark had confirmed that. It meant more time travelling, but if that was Mark's choice, then it was his choice.

“Very well then. I shall speak to logistics and they will be in touch. What is your plan now?”

Mark granted him a smile.

“To be honest mate, it's grab my stuff and make a dash for the airport.”

Andreas nodded.

“I'm sure there will be a flight that would get you to Stuttgart for Monday morning. I imagine it would entail an early start, but...”

“That's fine,” interrupted Mark. “Really, I don't mind how early as long as I just get... you know, home, just for a bit.”

Andreas heard the way Mark said the word 'home' and knew that meant the person, not the place.

“Of course. I will ask for a car to take you now. Monday should be a late morning through to afternoon affair, then you can all head off for some well earned rest. I'll confirm the details and logistics will get in touch.”

Mark nodded, then stuck his hand out to be shaken.

“You're really a good bloke you know? I appreciate it.”

Andreas smiled. So what if Mark was a more complicated driver than most? He was _his_ driver and although Andreas had been honest when he had said he hadn't had to argue to include Mark, if they hadn't, Andreas would have argued Mark's case to the wire.

 

 

 

Mark sat at the airport, sitting still for what felt the first time since the end of the race. He pulled his phone out and dialled.

“Mark, hey.”

“You're still up? I wasn't sure.”

It was gone one am here, back home that was eleven-ish.

“Well I'm actually in bed, but it's fine.”

“I didn't wake you?”

“No no Liebling, it's fine. You're not still at the track are you?” Sebastian checked, thinking it sounded far quieter than the din that had made their earlier call almost impossible as Mark shouted down the phone over the noise emanating from the garage.

“I'm at the airport.”

“Oh right.”

Sebastian sat upright in bed to wake his brain up a bit.

“What time will you get in? I'll pick you up.”

Mark smiled at how keen Seb sounded.

“I don't know sweetheart, sorry. I'm on standby so if I can squeak in I'll jump on the next flight, if not it'll be a while.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry.”

“No it's fine, course it is.”

“I'm just trying to get home as soon as possible.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Of course you are, that's okay.”

“Yeah so don't worry about it. I'll just hop in a cab and you get a decent night's sleep.”

“You're sure?”

“Yes. Now then,” Mark sat back, enjoying this. “Okay darling now I have some good news and some bad news.”

Sebastian frowned.

“Bad news?”

“Not _bad_ bad, just a bit... well, not great timing, but still good really.”

 

Sebastian wondered what the hell Mark was on about, but he sounded happy so he knew it couldn't be anything terrible.

“Okay then, so what's the news,” Seb prompted.

“Alright, so bad news first. I'm afraid I'm needed in Stuttgart on Monday, so I'll have to dash off again, just for the day, but I know that's not great when you're leaving on Tuesday.”

“Oh. Oh well never mind. Do the team want to make a fuss of things at headquarters?”

“Yeah you could say that. Bit of a media-fest I reckon, but that leads me to the second bit, and this is the good news.”

Mark paused, smiling to himself.

“Mark come on, what is it?” pushed Seb.

“Well, that's the reason why they want us all there. They want to get maximum publicity while they can so it's all happening at once.”

“What is?”

Mark chuckled, knowing he was teasing Seb, but he couldn't draw it out any longer.

“They're re-signing our contracts.”

Sebastian gasped. “Oh my god.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Oh my god, Mark. They're re-signing you?”

“Yep,” grinned Mark.

“How long for?”

“Three years with an option to retain after that. We'll have time in the morning to look into the details but to be honest it sounds like it should be much the same as now, so that's fine.”

“Wow. Oh Liebling, that's wonderful. I can't believe it.”

“Me neither,” Mark admitted.

Sebastian let out a shaky breath.

“Seb?”

“No I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm just... so happy for you.”

 

Mark closed his eyes. He knew Seb must be crying. God he wanted to hug more than ever now. Maybe he should have waited to tell him this in person, but he'd just been too excited to hold it in any longer.

“Oh sweetheart.”

“I'm really alright,” recovered Sebastian, wiping away at his eyes. “You deserve it Liebling. Today was great but really all year, you've been brilliant. I'm just so glad they saw that.”

“Yeah me too. I thought they were going to leave this until next year when we were nearer to the contracts running out, but I think they wanted to make the most of the moment.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian let out a sigh. “That's the best news. I'm really so very pleased for you.”

“Us.”

“Hm?”

“Us. It's for us darling, not just me.”

“Of course.”

“I've got to admit it's a relief,” Mark confessed.

“Yeah it really is.”

Seb took in a deep breath, letting it settle. He'd been worried for Mark's career for so long, carried such anxiety that Mark's chance to really achieve what he deserved in motorsport might be destroyed because of him, and now it felt for the first time in forever as if he could stop worrying about that. Porsche were seeing what Mark was really worth, treating him the same as his team-mates. Another three years was an affirmation of faith and it gave Mark the security he deserved too. Thank god. Thank god. Seb pushed the breath out slowly and felt a weight lift from his shoulders.

 

“Mm, so that's on Monday,” reminded Mark.

“Hm? Oh, okay well that's good that they want to do it right away,” Seb noted.

“I think they want to use the moment to have all the media there in one place.”

“Yeah.”

“Everyone else is going straight on, but we'd have so little time then, so I'm coming home.”

Seb sat back a little. If he had it in his power, he'd magic Mark right here next to him.

“You're sure that's okay?” Sebastian checked.

“Course it is. I'll just have to dash back and forth on Monday, but it'll be worth it. I really want to see you darling.”

Sebastian smiled to know Mark wanted to be with him just as much.

“Well I want to see you too Liebling.”

Mark nodded.

“Soon enough. Okay sweetheart I'm going to go bother the desk clerk again and see if I can't weasel my way onto a flight.”

“You're sure you don't want me to collect you?” checked Sebastian.

“I might have to make a dash for it. Besides if I get the early one I'm not having you trek about in the early hours just to sit in an empty airport for me.”

“Mark.”

“No really darling, it's fine. And if I don't get this one you'll be sat up waiting to hear what time I'll be in, so I'll just see you as soon as I can, alright?”

 

Sebastian wanted to protest that he didn't mind waiting around on Mark, but sitting about in an airport really wasn't all that appealing and he was tired now. He puffed out a breath.

“If you're sure?”

“I am. I just wanted to talk to you, tell you my good news.”

Sebastian sat back in bed, smiling to himself; Mark's career was getting a validation from on high that neither one of them could have anticipated. A wonderful surprise for once. Seb could hardly think of a better result from this weekend.

“It's great news. Ah alright then, so I guess I'll see you when I see you.”

“Yep. Some point in the morning hopefully.”

“Okay. Well I can't wait to have you home.”

Mark smiled, thinking the same.

“Counting the minutes darling. Now you get some kip and hopefully I'll see you soon enough.”

“Okay, see you soon then, and congratulations again Liebling, that's fantastic news.”

 

They hung up and Sebastian put the phone down on the nightstand. He looked at the dogs on the floor.

“That was Mark. He'll be home soon.”

The two dogs stood up and Sebastian swivelled over to the edge of the bed and allowed them to push into his pyjama-clad legs as he gave them a stroke.

“He'll be home soon,” repeated Seb happily, then nodded at them to settle back down, doing the same himself. He pulled the duvet up and curled onto Mark's side of the bed, one thought in his head: Home soon.

 

 

 

 

 

Sebastian slept soundly through the night, more tired than he realised from sitting watching the race. It wasn't a physical activity, but the stress that ran through him for the whole six hours had worn Seb out and even the dogs getting up to go through the only partly shut door to investigate a noise didn't wake him.

Mark grinned to see the dogs rushing down the stairs towards him. He greeted them with a quick rub down, then took them through to the kitchen to give them more food and water so they were happily occupied and wouldn't disturb them, then pulled off his coat and shoes to tiptoe upstairs. He crept through the bedroom door the dogs had pushed open and sighed at the sight before him.

The light was just coming up with the dawn and even with the curtains closed Mark could see how peaceful Sebastian looked. He quietly shut the door behind him and walked around to what was usually his side of the bed. Seb looked so perfect when he was sleeping, all his features at rest making him look soft and angelic. His body rose and fell gently with each breath, Seb's lips slightly parted, his tousled blonde head against the pillow. Gorgeous, just ridiculously gorgeous to Mark's eyes.

Mark dipped down and pressed a gentle kiss to Seb's forehead, smiling as Sebastian stirred slightly and unconsciously moved his head against the pillow before his long eyelashes flickered open. It took a moment to sink in, then Sebastian burst awake, surprising Mark with the speed he sat up and reached to fling his arms around him. Mark laughed and sat himself down on the bed to hug Seb back.

Sebastian's arms were so firmly wrapped around Mark's neck now he could hardly move, but he wasn't about to complain. Instead he squeezed Seb a little tighter and breathed in his nice warm sleepy smell. Eventually Sebastian relaxed his hold and moved his head to kiss Mark. Mark kissed back and knew that any amount of dashing about to get here was worth it. As they parted he reached a hand up to stroke Seb's cheek, his other arm still around him.

 

“Hello to you too darling.”

Sebastian smiled and gave him another quick kiss on the lips.

“You're home.”

Mark chuckled at Seb stating the obvious.

“I am. Got lucky with the flight and the place was deserted when I got to Heathrow. In and out in no time for once.”

Sebastian sighed happily. He still thought he ought to have collected Mark, but to have him home like this was truly the best wake-up call.

“Good.”

Seb kept his arms around Mark's neck and snuggled the side of his head against Mark's shoulder. Mark leaned his cheek down into Seb's hair, thinking that this was the hug he had been longing for all this time. He took in a deep breath and let them sit that way for a while, just appreciating holding Seb close and not thinking about anything else.

 

Sebastian was so quiet that Mark half wondered if he hadn't fallen back asleep as they sat there. He lifted his head and leaned it round to see Sebastian's eyes were closed.

“Are you asleep darling?”

A smile crept onto Seb's face and his eyes opened.

“No.”

“Ah, that's good then. Shall we get back into bed?”

Sebastian sat up and finally let go of him.

“Are you tired?” Seb checked.

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“Bit. Got some sleep on the flight.”

Sebastian shot him a smile.

“I should say congratulations.”

Mark was about to say that Seb had said congratulations plenty of times, but then he realised what that look meant.

“Oh?”

“Mm,” smiled Sebastian.

“Did you have anything in particular in mind?”

Sebastian gave him a teasing little flick of his eyebrows.

“One or two ideas.”

Mark stood and began to peel his clothes off, looking back at Sebastian sat in his pyjamas.

“You going to lose those?”

Sebastian leaned back on the pillows, casually setting his hands behind his head, enjoying teasing him.

“I thought you might be able to help me with them.”

 

Mark coughed with laughter and hurried up undressing to go and pull the duvet back. He sat on the edge of the bed and grinned wickedly down at Sebastian. He coasted a hand over Seb's t-shirt, then sent it to sneak under the edge to touch his lovely warm skin. Sebastian lay perfectly still as that hand smoothed higher under the t-shirt, then Mark grinned even wider as he suddenly got Seb under the ribs and tickled him, getting a satisfying shriek and giggle in reply as he grabbed a helpless Sebastian and rolled the two of them onto the bed.

Seb got his breath back as he lay on top of Mark. He pushed his hands either side and held his head above Mark's.

“How did I get here?” asked Seb, as if genuinely confused.

Mark laughed and slid his hands either side of Seb's torso to push his t-shirt up.

“By being cheeky” he replied, lifting his head to give him a quick kiss to soften the tease. “Now lift up darling.”

Sebastian did as requested to help Mark remove his t-shirt and then dropped back down on him to kiss Mark until he ran out of breath. Mark fought air back into his lungs, not caring in the slightest that with Seb lying on top of him that was a little more difficult. Sebastian lying against him like this was precisely what he had been looking forward to.

He smiled and pressed another quick kiss to Seb's lips before stroking his hands over the small of Seb's back, heading lower as Seb aimed happy little kisses all over Mark's face. Mark laughing at how excited Seb was. He let Seb get on with what he was doing while Mark snuck his hands under the edge of Sebastian's pyjamas, aiming to send them the same way as Seb's t-shirt that currently lay somewhere on the far side of the bedroom where he had flung it. Rushing back had definitely been worth it. They were going to have a very nice lie-in.

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning they were back at the airport once more, both thoroughly sick of the sight of it by now. Mark had told Seb had didn't need to come, but of course Seb would have none of that. Yesterday had been wonderful. Once they had prised themselves from bed, and again from the shower, to actually go downstairs and eat, Sebastian had insisted on making them what they still decided counted as breakfast. Mark offered to help, but Seb was having such a good time spoiling Mark and making a fuss of him, that Mark decided to let him.

They'd walked the dogs in perfectly crisp, almost winter, weather through the countryside, come home to snuggle up to get warm on the sofa together, totally failing to watch the film that was playing as they lost themselves in each other. Mark had joked that they were traumatising the poor dogs again as the two animals refused to budge from lying in front of the sofa where Mark and Sebastian lay in turn.

Mark had let Seb make dinner, failing to make any cracks about him burning it when Sebastian seemed almost happier than he was at getting this day together. Sebastian had even tried to do all the tidying up, but Mark decided that was a waste of their precious time so when Seb tried to bat him away with a tea-towel to allow him to get on with it, Mark grabbed a hold of him and put his hands on Seb's waist to lift him bodily off the floor and set him away from the sink.

“ _Mark!”_

Mark grinned at Seb's protest and kept his hands where they were, thinking how light Seb really still was. If he wanted to, setting Sebastian over his shoulder to get him upstairs probably wouldn't be all that much of a challenge, but Mark didn't think that was necessary. He had an ace up his sleeve that Mark suspected would prove sufficiently persuasive. He stood up against him and leant his forehead down into Seb's, pretending to look disapproving.

“The domestic goddess routine is all very appealing darling, but I have an even better idea.”

“Ah really?” smiled Sebastian.

“Mm.”

Mark pressed a kiss to his lips.

“Yes.”

He slid his hands around to pull Seb fully flush against him and whispered in his ear.

“I picked something up in duty free.”

Sebastian moved his head to frown at him, wondering what that could be. It was hardly as if they needed alcohol to get this party started.

“Mm,” grinned Mark. “Bath oils.”

He tweaked an eyebrow up at Sebastian and was about to say something else when Seb stepped back and pulled at his hand to lead Mark from the room to go straight upstairs, shutting the dogs in the kitchen to stop them following. Shadow and Simba definitely weren't going to see this.

 

 

 

 

Sat at the airport now Sebastian had his head resting in the crook of Mark's neck. He still felt warm and comfortable and Mark wished they were still in bed. Seeing as it was barely seven am that's really where they ought to be.

Mark looked at the time and sighed. He gave Seb a squeeze and leant in to kiss his forehead.

“Time to go darling.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and reluctantly sat up.

“Sorry,” Mark apologised.

“No it's okay.”

Mark stood and Sebastian went with him, holding his hand to walk as far over as he could before they had to be parted. Mark stood with his arms linked around Seb's shoulders.

“I'll be home tonight alright? Back and forth as quick as possible. Reckon we'll be done by mid-afternoon, back for... I don't know, eight-ish maybe.”

Sebastian smiled, not wanting to make him feel guilty about what should be a good day.

“It's fine Liebling, no rush, enjoy today.”

Mark smiled back.

“Yeah I can think of worse days at the office, but there'll be a fair bit of media stuff this afternoon too.”

“That's good though. It's nice that they're making a big deal of it.”

Mark huffed a laugh. He'd made the mistake of going on Twitter as he waited for Seb to nip to the loo while he stood in line for check-in. Porsche had made the public announcement yesterday to keep the momentum going with the press and his time-line was full of comments, mostly positive thankfully, wishing him all the best for their day in Stuttgart where the team had stated they would be re-signing their drivers at the Porsche base. Mark suspected that there would be a fair amount of staged back-slapping going on, but he did value the chance to say thank you to the team and getting a new contract really was a massive weight off his shoulders.

“They're certainly doing that,” agreed Mark. “Think they've told half the world we're going to be there doing the signing today.”

“And they're relying on the press to tell the other half about it tomorrow,” commented Seb.

“Yeah, think that's about right,” Mark agreed. “Okay darling, well, gotta go.”

Sebastian had his arms around Mark's middle and pulled him in closer to give him a goodbye kiss.

“Okay. Enjoy yourself. Say hi to Jense.”

“Will do. You still thinking of going into the factory?”

“Yeah. Just for a bit this morning. Then I'll be home this afternoon, so if you want to call me or anything.”

 

Mark smiled. Always calls, always airports, always parting and longing for reunion.

“I think I'm gonna be pretty busy sweetheart, so don't be offended if I can't, okay?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Course. It's fine. You'll be busy all day, I know.”

“I'll probably have to switch my phone off, or at least have it on silent, so...”

“It's fine Mark. I meant you, if you wanted to get hold of me.”

“Oh, well.” Mark gave him a wink to cheer him up. “I always want to get hold of you.”

Seb laughed and shook his head. He knew they were dragging this out and Mark couldn't afford to be late. He pushed up for a kiss and they stepped apart. Mark hitched his bag onto his shoulder and looked again where he needed to go before looking back to Seb.

“So I'll see you later darling.”

“Yep. Have a great day Liebling. You deserve this. Love you.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Love you too. See you later.”

“Have a safe journey.”

“I will. Bye then.”

“Bye.”

Sebastian watched him walk away and only after exchanging a final wave when Mark walked out of sight did Seb turn to go back to the car. He had his plan; He'd head home, take the dogs for a refreshing walk to clear his head, go to the factory and then have a quiet afternoon at home, sorting out his packing for Abu Dhabi so it was all ready and then Mark would be back that evening. That wasn't so bad.

 

 

Mark settled into his flight feeling as though he had only just left this seat. Barely over twenty-four hours and he was leaving Seb again when it was the last thing he wanted to do. Mark had almost suggested Seb came with him, but it was hardly the sort of day you could bring your other half along to and if Seb couldn't come to the Porsche base there was no way Mark was going to ask him to sit and wait for him all day at the airport. It was just bad timing. If this was only a couple of days later Sebastian would be off at his race in Abu Dhabi and Mark would be home twiddling his thumbs, but of course it had to be now. Life could never be easy and uncomplicated for them.

He put his headphones in to relax for the next hour and a half. It was bad timing, but it was a good day. Seb was happy for him and he'd see him tonight. Mark pushed all complications aside and concentrated on what Sebastian had said; he should allow himself to enjoy today. It should be one without worries for once.

 

 

 

 

Sebastian finished up his time on the sim and thanked his engineer for his time. He could have stayed for longer seeing as he had nothing to rush home for, but he'd learnt that going for an hour on the simulator was about his limit. No good came of pushing it and Seb thought he'd done enough. It was midday so he popped his head into his boss's office, just to say hello.

Christian stood up from his desk and went over to greet him as Seb walked in, leaning back to rest on the edge of his desk as Sebastian stood in the middle of his office.

“I heard about Mark. That's terrific,” offered Christian.

“You mean the win?”

“Oh well that of course, but Porsche re-signing. That's great news.”

Sebastian smiled back at his boss.

“Yeah it is. Really great, especially after Mark had to miss those races for me.”

“Nonsense. He's had an excellent year, this weekend and Le Mans especially... I'm not at all surprised Porsche wanted to make sure they had their drivers locked down before anyone else tried to poach them.”

Sebastian nodded. He hadn't actually thought about that aspect.

“Number of times I've been asked if we didn't regret letting him go,” smiled Christian.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I'm sure Dan would have something to say about that.”

“I'm sure he would,” agreed Christian, “although I have said that Mark's in the garage so often that I occasionally forget he isn't about to jump into the next car.”

“Mm.”

Christian spotted something flicker across Sebastian's expression and he remembered the issue with the upcoming race.

“Sorry. I know it's unfortunate this weekend he can't come.”

“Mm.”

Christian gave him a sympathetic smile.

“The world's not perfect yet Sebi.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I know. It's okay. It's just one weekend, then it's the winter break.”

“I'm sure we're all looking forward to that. Did I see that Mark is doing the signing over at Porsche today?”

The smile returned to Sebastian's face, just as Christian had intended it to.

“Yep. He's there now. I dropped him off at the airport this morning.”

“Oh he came back over then? That must have been a tight turn-around.”

Seb shrugged.

“We've got to take our time while we can.”

“Of course. Well that's good. Is he back before we're off?”

“Yeah, back tonight.” Seb huffed a laugh. “Then twenty-four hours later I'm the one that's flying out.”

Christian nodded. No wonder they snatched what time they could together at home. He stood and gave Seb a pat on the arm.

“Break soon,” he reminded.

“Yeah. Anyway I'll be off. Exciting afternoon of packing and hanging out with the dogs at home.”

Christian laughed. It sounded better than the afternoon of final checks and paperwork he had in store.

 

 

A few minutes later Seb was crossing the car-park outside the factory. His phone buzzed in his pocket and Seb pulled it out, picking up a text that made him smile as he read it whilst walking to his car.

MARK: Guess what darling? All signed! Wish I could talk but I'm literally texting this in the toilets like a kid at school. I'll have to switch off my phone for all the media stuff now, so don't be offended if I'm ignoring you. Speak later. Love you. I wouldn't be here without you.

Sebastian opened his car door, barely taking his eyes from the screen as he read and re-read the message. He sat in his seat, a beaming smile on his face, then fired off a response, schooling himself to remember that Mark probably wouldn't be able to get back to him. That was okay though, Seb still wanted to reply.

SEB: That's so great. Congratulations Liebling. Just leaving the factory now. I'll go home and tell Shadow and Simba our good news.

Four hundred miles away Mark read the message and laughed, then forced himself to switch off his phone and go through. If he replied to Seb, Mark knew he could easily be there all day firing texts back and forth. He walked out to spend a few hours with the press, unable to tell them that at least half his smile wasn't for the win or the new contract but the thought that Seb was rushing home to tell the dogs about it.

 

Sebastian waited just a few seconds for a reply and when none came he knew Mark's phone was off already. That was fine. No big deal. They'd talk later as he'd said. Seb smiled to think that he really was going to go home to tell the dogs about Mark's new contract. As he pulled onto the main road Sebastian switched on the radio to put on some cheerful music. While he glanced down at the radio controls he didn't notice the car pulling out a few moments behind him. Seb looked up to concentrate on negotiating all the roundabouts in his path to escape Milton Keynes, heading along the A-roads out into the countryside, happily singing along with the radio to some tune he half knew, unconcerned about anything except getting home for his unexciting afternoon, killing time until Mark got back.

 

 

 

Forty-five minutes later Christian was back sat in his office, staring at the phone in his hand going over his dilemma. He'd just come up from the security office he'd been called down to, looking over inconclusive CCTV footage with the head of security, and now he was trying to come to a decision.

Maybe it was nothing. Maybe they were being paranoid. Maybe.

Maybe not.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>   
>  Drops the mic  
>   
>   
>   
> 


	106. Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here as promised, the next chapter so we can find out what's going to happen.
> 
> I'm sure it's all fine and there's really nothing out there.

 

* * *

 

 

  


Sebastian was happily pottering around the house accompanied by the dogs. He gave them some food then tidied up the kitchen a bit before deciding he ought to go up and sort out his packing for Abu Dhabi. It was still strange to be around the house on his own, but when he was so pleased for Mark getting his new contract Seb couldn't get too down about it. He sat on the bedroom floor, seeing what was still in his suitcase from his last race and checking through what he needed to add in by way of clean clothes: He was already wearing one of Mark's hoodies, but Sebastian selected another couple to go in to wear around the hotel in the evenings. He was knelt up folding them to fit in his case when Shadow leaned over and smelt the hoody in his hand. Sebastian smiled and gave him a stroke.

“Yeah it's Mark's, but he's lending me them, it's okay.”

Seb checked his watch, wondering how Mark was getting on in Stuttgart and what time he would get home later. He couldn't resent Mark making the most of this celebration with the team, but Sebastian hoped he would be home reasonably early so they could enjoy more of their last evening together before Seb in turn had to leave. He was just about to say something else to the dogs about that when his phone started ringing in his pocket. Seb pulled it out and saw that it was his boss calling.

“Christian, hey,” greeted Seb cheerily, wondering what he could have forgotten to mention when he'd seen him only an hour or so ago at the factory.

There was a pause and Seb frowned.

“Christian?” he repeated, thinking it might be a bad connection.

“Yeah. Hi, sorry Seb,” Christian finally answered.

“Is everything okay?”

Christian paused again, hardly knowing where to begin. He had agonised over making this call, knowing what effect it would doubtless have on Sebastian. If he was wrong it would upset his driver for no reason, but if he was right, oh hell if he was _right_ and he didn't warn him, Christian didn't think he could live with himself.

“Look, Sebi I'm really sorry to do this to you...”

Sebastian had sat up straighter, wondering what the hell was going on. Christian sounded so serious.

“What is it?”

Sat at his desk in Milton Keynes, Christian closed his eyes, feeling awful.

“I'm sorry Seb, but... Look, this might be nothing okay. It could just be us being paranoid.”

“What do you mean?” cut in Sebastian.

“I got called down to security just now, well, after you left anyway and... something strange has happened. Simona on the front desk apparently thought she'd seen someone hanging around outside, sat in a parked car. I mean we get that all the time with fans of course, but she said he was acting strangely and he was there far too long, but she couldn't get a good look at him from where she was.”

Sebastian was so thrown by this odd statement that his brain was dumbly failing to keep up. He didn't say anything as his boss continued his tale.

“Anyway she spoke to security but by then whoever it was had gone from outside and they were going to dismiss it but they took a look on CCTV, just to be sure, and they called me down to take a look.”

 

The word 'CCTV' jarred in Sebastian's mind and a terrible realisation struck him.

“Oh god,” he let out, Seb's blood already chilling.

“We don't know, okay Sebi,” emphasised Christian, already knowing where Seb's mind would automatically going. “I went down to look and I couldn't tell, from the angle you couldn't see his face. It could just be some guy. It could be nothing.”

Seb's heart was ramping up. It wasn't nothing. It wasn't just some guy.

“Heikki,” he stammered.

Christian scrunched his face and ran a hand through his hair as he heard that. Sebastian's voice had changed in an instant, the anxiety unmistakeable.

“It might not be Seb. We looked at every camera but the guy's wearing a cap and you can't see his face.

 

Sebastian felt sick. To his mind that only made it worse. It meant he was hiding his face, that he was acting deliberately to disguise himself. _Heikki_. Heikki looking for him.

“When? When was he there?”

“This morning Seb. Somewhere around twelve.”

He had been there when Seb had been. Had he been waiting, watching him? Stalking him again. Right there at the factory, completely shameless, under everyone's nose.

“Shit,” breathed Seb.

“We don't know it was him,” repeated Christian.

Sebastian let out a mirthless laugh.

“It is.”

“Seb...”

“No,” cut in Sebastian, his voice tight. “It's him. It's Heikki. I know it.”

“You didn't see anything did you?” asked Christian.

“Jesus Christian, don't you think I'd have said?”

“No, of course. Well look he's gone now so we'll keep a close eye to see if he reappears.”

 

Sebastian's eyes opened wider as he joined the dots his boss had failed to.

“Christian if he left when I did. Oh god, he could be here by now.”

He was already beginning to shake, Sebastian could feel the fear taking control of his body.

“Seb we don't know that it was even him,” tried Christian.

Sebastian shut his eyes, trying to manage his reaction and not fall into panic.

“It _is_ him,” let out Sebastian quietly.

“I'm sorry to do this to you Seb,” continued Christian, “I know Mark's away and...”

Seb could feel himself shrinking inwards, as if he could hide within his own body. Mark was away. He was on his own.

“Sebi it's probably not him and I'm scaring you for nothing.”

  
Sebastian barely heard him and when he didn't respond Christian knew he had to do what he probably should have done in the first place. Even if it was nothing, he couldn't leave it to chance now he'd alarmed Seb when he was on his own.

“You know what Seb I'm going to come over. I'm sure it's really nothing, but just in case.”

“Hm?”

Sebastian pulled himself back a little.

“I'm going to come over,” repeated Christian, “I'm sorry to have worried you, but I think it might be best.”

Christian had plenty of things he ought to be working on ahead of the race, but if this was real then there couldn't be anything more important.

“You haven't seen anything suspicious have you?” he checked.

Sebastian thought about it. He really couldn't recall seeing anyone around, or hearing anything. But then he hadn't been looking or listening for anything. He tried to listen as if he would hear Heikki creeping around outside; feet on the driveway, a broken twig as he crossed the lawn. He could be out there now, looking for an open window, an unlocked door. He could be breaking in right this moment, coming up the stairs...

Sebastian rapidly twisted towards the half open door to the landing, but there was nothing there, only the dogs beside him, already pushing in closer, reading his distress.

“No, I... God I don't know Christian. I don't think so.”

“I'm going to come over anyway okay Seb. I'll be half an hour. In the meantime, don't worry.”

Sebastian would have laughed if he had it in him. _Don't worry?_ A residual part of his brain still didn't want his boss to see him as vulnerable and in need of protection from a bogeyman who might not even be real, but the truth was that if he couldn't have Mark here, Seb knew he needed someone.

“I'll be over soon, alright?” repeated Christian, worrying himself at the lack of response.

Damnit, he'd known how Seb would react to this. Maybe it was nothing. Then again, Heikki had form on this score.

“Yeah, okay,” answered Sebastian very quietly.

“Half an hour.”

“Yeah.”

They hung up and Christian puffed out a breath before ringing down to the legal department. Maybe it was nothing, but if it wasn't, Christian wanted some ammunition to remind Heikki why he couldn't be there. He asked them to dig out his file to take, then grabbed his coat and made his way down.

  


  


Sebastian stared at his phone, feeling the chill in his blood seeping throughout his body. Any moment now he would be totally frozen and unable to move. He scrunched his face tightly and bent forwards to pull the dogs in to hug them close, taking comfort from them. The animals nuzzled into him and Sebastian held them for another moment before he remembered about the doors and windows. Seb knew he had to check them or he could literally be leaving the house open for Heikki to walk in.

He forced himself to stand, barely knowing how he did it. Seb was sure he must be shaking but he took one step, then another out onto the landing. Then with a sense of greater urgency, he shot downstairs and rushed around the house, making sure each window and door was closed and locked. Every time he looked out, Sebastian was sure he would see Heikki's face looking back at him through one of the windows, but there was nothing out there. Seb almost dared opening the back door to step outside to see if he could spot him lurking somewhere, watching him, but that was far too terrifying a notion, so Sebastian merely double-checked the door was locked, before racing over to do the same for the front door.

Despite the fact that Seb found everything already locked, he kept expecting to hear something and find that Heikki was already inside, hiding somewhere waiting for him. He'd asked the dogs to come with him and they stayed glued to his side as he went around the house. Seb hardly knew how he would be able to do this otherwise. As he crossed the hall Sebastian thought he heard something and he had no idea if he was imagining it or if there really was someone outside. It was quiet this far out in the countryside, but cars did pass occasionally on the lane. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe he was being paranoid like Christian said?

He stayed stock still for a moment and tried to listen carefully. _Was_ that a car on the road, or had Heikki been there for ages now, sitting watching the house? From the hallway Sebastian couldn't see outside as the front door was solid and there were no windows here. He was too afraid to go back into the lounge to look out to the front, so Seb stood where he was listening, _listening_...

 

Suddenly Sebastian was sure he heard something. His heart seized and for a moment Seb remained frozen in place, but then he ran up the stairs, the dogs hard on his heels. He rushed into the bedroom and as soon as the dogs were inside Sebastian slammed the door shut and locked it behind him before sliding down to sit with his knees bent up in front of him and his back against the solid door, pulling the dogs in against him to hug them close. He stroked their fur, trying to calm himself, telling himself over and over than it might really be nothing. Even if Heikki was in the area, did he even know where Seb lived?

_What if he'd followed him home? He could have been watching to check he really was alone. Waiting to pounce._

Seb took in a shaky breath and felt his chest increasing in speed. There was a heat rising under his skin and Sebastian knew he was edging towards a panic attack. Heikki was hunting him and Mark wasn't here to save him. He couldn't even call him, could he? Mark's phone was off. Or at least it had been. Maybe he'd be finished now? Sebastian pulled his phone out from his pocket and took a couple of calming breaths to steady himself before he pressed dial.

He held the phone to his ear as it rang, hoping against hope that Mark would answer. Seb didn't know what he expected Mark to say seeing as he was so far away, but just to hear his voice would be something. Maybe he'd say what Christian had and remind him that it really might be that he was worrying over nothing. Seb thought he might accept it if Mark said so.

 

“Hi Mark here...”

“ _Mark_ , oh god.”

“...I can't take your call right now, so please leave a message.”

Sebastian nearly cried with the horrible realisation that he had stupidly failed to recognise the recorded message of Mark's voicemail. He took a few shorter breaths, still trying to push the panic away as the beep sounded to leave a message. A part of Seb knew it was pointless and that he would only frighten Mark when he was away, but he had to say something. Seb tried to impose a calmness he didn't feel into his voice.

“Mark it's me, I...” Sebastian swallowed, knowing his voice sounded tight and upset. He closed his eyes and did all he could to regulate it. “Please can you call me?”

He didn't know what else to say so Sebastian hung up, feeling close to tears. He blinked them away and concentrated on doing some steady breathing. He stared at his phone, willing Mark to ring him back, but no call came. Mark's phone was switched off and he was busy chatting to journalists a continent away, completely unaware of how badly Seb needed him right now.

Sebastian felt the shadows creeping in at him, nightmares made real. He buried his face in Simba's fur and kept his arms around both of the animals as they rubbed up against him, reminding him that Seb wasn't alone.

 

Over and over he tried to tell himself that it was probably nothing, that surely he would have seen something if Heikki was sneaking around, that it was old fears taking over and making him paranoid when Christian had said it really could be nothing, but it didn't make the fear go away. If only Mark was here it would be okay. He'd be alright with Mark. If Heikki did come here, Mark would see him off as he had last time. But Mark wasn't here. He wasn't even picking up his phone.

Seb thought back to how they had spoken of this scenario and how Mark had reassured him that Heikki was far too cowardly to come to the house. Except what if Heikki knew Mark was away? Porsche had splashed the news of the signing everywhere. Had Heikki seen that and thought he saw an opportunity? Maybe he would have assumed Seb would have been with Mark at his race and this morning had been about seeing If Sebastian was back at the factory while Mark was at Porsche? Seb tried not to let that idea take over. He took in slow breaths through his nose and carefully held it in his lungs before pushing the air out through his mouth. He repeated the actions he had been taught, not letting himself think of anything else for a moment to settle his body, if not his mind.

He'd said if Heikki came here at least he would have the dogs and he _did_ have them. They'd keep him safe. Sebastian looked at them and spoke quietly.

“If there's anyone around you have to tell me, okay? There's a bad man and he...” Seb's voice wobbled. “It's Heikki. Do you remember him? He didn't like you.”

Heikki had been afraid of the dogs. Seb remembered that.

“You have to bark if he tries to come near, okay?”

Sebastian nodded at them and hoped they understood.

 

He looked at his phone again, knowing now that he had to accept that Mark wasn't going to ring him back. Sebastian thought about how he had said if Heikki came when he was alone then he would call the police. Should he do that now? The idea of doing so frightened Seb more now it was real, but he had told Mark he would do it.

Then again, what if he called them and it was nothing? Maybe he should wait for Christian to arrive? At least he wouldn't be on his own then. Seb was about to check how long it had been since Christian called when he jumped, certain that he heard something outside. His pulse shot up and Seb was breathing too fast again. It had to be Heikki, didn't it?

He had to call the police. He'd promised Mark he would. Wasn't the idea of Heikki being out there worse than the idea of calling in outsiders? Sebastian held a shaking finger over the phone screen, pausing only another second before dialling.

 

“Hello, which emergency service do you need?”

Sebastian could feel a sweat descending on him. He hardly knew how to speak.

“Hello?” repeated the woman's voice.

“Yes, sorry.”

“Which emergency service do you need?”

“Police please.”

“I'm putting you through now.”

There was a pause, then another female voice came over the line.

“You're through to the police 999 emergency line, what is your name please?”

Sebastian closed his eyes.

“Seb.”

“Okay Seb, my name is Samantha. Can you tell me what you need the police for?”

He swallowed, not knowing what to say.

“There's someone. I think they're outside. I'm sure I can hear them.”

At the emergency call centre the woman frowned at the confusing message. To say there was someone outside didn't sound like an emergency on the surface, but she knew fear when she heard it.

“You feel you're in danger?”

Sebastian scrunched his face, knowing how tragic he sounded. He wasn't saying anything right. This woman would cut him off in a moment and report him for wasting police time.

“Not just... There's someone. He's...”

Seb took an uneven breath. The heat in his chest was rising and spreading outwards, burning through his skin.

“He's not just someone, he, there's a restraining order. He's not meant to be here.”

“A restraining order? So this is a specific person?”

“Yes.”

“And they are where you are?”

Sebastian closed his eyes tight, knowing how bad this sounded.

“I'm not sure. My boss rang and he said they'd seen him on CCTV, hanging around. At least, they think it's him, but then he left and now, I don't know, I don't know if he's outside.”

 

He was going to cry in a minute. It was so weak of him. A child frightened of shadows.

 

“Seb you believe this person is outside where you are?”

“I don't know. I think... I'm not sure I heard something but, yes, he, he's done it before,” Sebastian added, thinking at least that made it sound more solid.

“Are you at home?”

“Yes.”

“Can you see anyone outside?”

“No I... I'm upstairs.”

A grown man, hiding in his bedroom from scary noises in the light of day.

“Is there anyone with you?”

“No.”

Seb closed his eyes to be reminded that Mark wasn't there.

“Please. I'm sorry. I know it sounds bad. I know it, it must sound...”

Seb bit his lip and forced himself to try to explain.

“He stalked me before and I was never sure he was there, but he was, it was on CCTV and he came to my house, he wouldn't leave me alone. I thought he was gone, but they thought they saw him at work just now, earlier today I mean. My boss rang me and... I don't know, I don't know.”

Sebastian left off, feeling himself spiralling.

 

The call handler was looking at the number on her screen; a mobile phone, so that was no help. She needed more details. Maybe it was nothing, but a restraining order and a history of stalking couldn't be ignored. Whoever she was talking to was afraid and it didn't sound without good reason.

“Okay, Seb take a breath, it's alright. Can you give me your address please?”

Sebastian did as instructed, calmed slightly by the voice who spoke so steadily and didn't criticise him for asking for help.

 

“I'm sorry. I know it must sound...”

“It's okay Seb. I'm looking to see if there's a car in your area that could come by.”

“We're in the countryside.”

“Yes, that's okay.”

Sebastian took more deep breaths.

“Can I take your full name?”

Sebastian felt the heat in his skin again. He couldn't give himself away like that. What if someone heard this call somehow?

“Please, just Seb.”

“Okay. Seb can you tell me the name of the person who you have the restraining order against?”

There was a pause, then Seb managed to answer.

“His name is Heikki.”

“Just Heikki?”

The woman had no idea how much it hurt just to say that much. Seb couldn't say more. After a pause she guessed that was all she was getting and continued.

“Seb are you still there?”

“Yeah.”

“This Heikki. He's someone known to you?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian's voice had gone very quiet.

“Seb?”

“Yeah.”

 

The woman typed as she spoke. Years of doing this job and a call like this was usually a woman with an ex, an 'admirer' who wouldn't take no for an answer, an on/off boyfriend that kept a hold on them, that sort of thing. She'd heard them before, but not a man, not in the middle of the day, not with such anxiety and fear in his voice. There was an accent there, something European, but the English was good. A youngish voice. It was hard not to try to picture him. She knew she ought to remain impartial and professional, but it was impossible not to care.

 

“Seb is this man dangerous?”

Sebastian's hand that was resting on Shadow to his side came shakily to his mouth and his voice shook just the same as he answered.

“Yeah.”

Little more than an uneven whisper now and the woman listening in on her headphones wanted to sigh. She knew all too well the difference between a domestic row and real terrorising.

“He's violent?”

Seb could feel the sweat trickling down his back. He tried to reply but nothing came out of his mouth.

“Seb?”

“Yeah.” Less than a breath, it barely came over her headphones, but it was there.

“Can you call someone to be with you, or go somewhere else to be safe?”

Sebastian thought how he would have to step outside to go anywhere and knew he couldn't do that. It was too late. Now he was home he was trapped here.

“My boss is coming over.”

“Okay, that's good.”

“I don't know how long he'll be.”

“Seb there's a car on it's way now okay.”

 

Sebastian took several very short breaths and then in relief he started crying. He tried to hide it but he knew it must be obvious over the phone.

“I'm sorry.”

“It's okay Seb.”

“He might not be here. I don't know.”

“But you believe it's likely?”

Sebastian nodded, wiping at his eyes.

“Seb?”

“Yeah, I... if he's not, I'm sorry. I'll say sorry for wasting their time.”

“It's their job, alright?”

“Okay,” breathed Sebastian.

He took in a longer wobbly breath then spoke again.

“Do you know how long they'll be?”

“Not precisely. I'm afraid you're a way out. I'd estimate twenty minutes, maybe half an hour.”

“Okay.”

“Have you checked that all the entry points to the house are locked?”

“Yeah.”

“Where are you right now?”

 

Sebastian let out a breath that might have been a laugh, but could hardly be further from one.

“In the bedroom. I've locked the door. God, you must think me so pathetic.”

“No Seb I don't. I'm not here to judge. I'm here to help, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Do you need me to stay on the line?”

Seb gave a tiny shake of his head, then wiped his face with his hand.

“No, it's okay. Thank you.”

“Alright well they'll be there soon. Stay in as safe a place as you can until help arrives. Okay Seb?”

“Yeah okay. I'll go now, thank you and I'm sorry if it's a false alarm.”

“That's okay. If it's a false alarm that's really better isn't it?”

Sebastian almost smiled at that.

“Yeah, guess it is. Okay. Bye.”

“I hope everything is okay Seb.”

Sebastian hung up and let out the longest sigh of relief. He dropped his head onto his knees and tried to settle himself with the knowledge that at least he'd been brave enough to do that.

 

At the emergency call centre the woman placed herself on hold for a moment while she finished recording the details of the call. Once upon a time a call like that would have been dismissed. Domestics didn't get much attention, far less ones with no credible evidence of an actual incident. If the caller was lucky a passing patrol might stop by later. Sometimes the incident was over and sometimes it was ongoing. Very rarely was it nothing. All too often in the past they had been too late and a call that hadn't received immediate attention was later matched to an admission to A&E, or worse. She wasn't going to have that on her conscience.

  


 

 

Now he had done that Sebastian felt as if the die was cast. Maybe it was nothing and he was going to look a fool to the police and the idea that he was exposing his problems to outsiders still terrified him, but neither of those things was as frightening as the idea that he might _not_ be wrong. Seb told himself that he had done the right thing, that he had really been brave to make that call and that Mark would be happier to know he had. Surely Christian would be here soon? Seb knew he must look a mess so he took a few more settling breaths then managed to stand and reached out to unlock the door, pausing as he saw his hand was still shaking. He just had to cross the landing to go to the bathroom, just a couple of feet. He could do it.

Seb unlocked the door and yanked it open to go over into the opposite room, the dogs sticking with him. He shut and locked the bathroom door, leaning against it and letting out a nervy breath. Seb closed his eyes and wondered again if he was behaving ridiculously. Heikki wasn't in the house. He couldn't be. If he'd tried to break in Seb would have heard him. The dogs would have gone crazy barking. Sebastian took comfort from these rational thoughts and went to wash his face. He was just starting to feel a little more settled when the dogs who were standing in the middle of the bathroom behind him suddenly barked and Sebastian whipped around to look at them, his heart in his mouth. He ducked down with them to hush the dogs, trying to persuade himself that it could just be Christian arriving. Seb wasn't sure if he had heard a car, but then the window was shut.

He gave the dogs a stroke to steady himself, then stood to go over to the frosted bathroom window to open the little portion at the top. It was far too quick for it to be the police. If it was Christian Sebastian needed to see so he could go and let him in, but the alternative terrified him. Seb stood just away from the window, knowing that whoever it was, no one could see him in here. He held his breath and moved closer to the high little window, standing on tiptoes to look outside, down onto the drive.

There was a man stood there, stopped half-way up the drive in front of the house, looking around. Not Christian, it wasn't Christian. The man was turning and Sebastian stumbled backwards away from the little window.

Heikki.

He dropped to the floor, pulling the dogs into him.

“Shh, shh. Don't bark okay? You have to be quiet. Don't let him know we're here.”

Sebastian voice quavered as he whispered to them, but the animals seemed to understand. They stayed quiet now and pushed into him. He stayed knelt down with them, Seb's heart pounding with terror as he listened, anticipating what would happen. Sebastian told himself that the house was secure, that surely Heikki wouldn't try to break in. He hadn't done last time. Christian was on his way, as were the police.

 

For a while there was nothing, then Sebastian heard a bang on the door and he nearly jumped out of his skin. The dogs instantly started barking.

“No, shh, please, _shh_ ,” he implored desperately.

Seb knew that if Heikki had been watching him he must know he was in here, but an irrational part of his brain thought that if he could just hide in silence then Heikki might go away.

Another bang and the dogs pulled away to turn to bark at the door.

“Please, please, shhh,” Sebastian begged.

He felt sick to the pit of his stomach. Inside his head Sebastian thought, _'please just go away, go away, the police are coming. If you knew that you'd go.'_

 

The dogs silenced and all three of them sat there waiting to hear what came next.

“Seb I know you're all alone. Open up Sebi, I want to talk to you.”

The familiar voice floated up from below, in through the window. Confident, firm, terrifying. It chilled Seb to his core, but some traitorous part of Sebastian's brain still felt hard-wired to obey.

The wolf at his door. The monster from fairy tales designed to warn children of the dangers in the world. Heikki always made Seb feel like a frightened child, made him want to hide under the duvet until the bad thing went away even though he knew that did no good.

“Open. Up!”

A bang punctuated each word and Sebastian jumped with each one. He needed Mark, he needed him now and he wasn't here.

The door was solid wasn't it? Sebastian prayed that it would hold and that Heikki was only banging with his fist, not trying to kick it open. He knew what force those fists could inflict though.

 _'Please go away._ _P_ _lease go away,_ ' thought Seb, mouthing the words as he prayed.

 

As he bent forwards slightly, Seb felt his phone pressing into him in his pocket and pulled it out, not knowing what to do. The police were already on their way, as was Christian. What he really wanted was to speak to Mark. Just to hear his voice to steady him. Seb knew his phone must still be off or surely he would have called back, but he dialled anyway.

Seb closed his eyes as he listened to Mark's voicemail message, then compelled words to come out of his mouth.

“Mark please call me. Please Liebling.”

Sebastian's voice was breathy and panicked. There was nothing he could do to disguise the fear gripping him. He hung up, knowing he shouldn't have called again, but he needed Mark. Seb thought if he could just talk to him until Christian or the police got there that would be something. But no call came back and Sebastian sunk his face into his bent up knees, folding in on himself, unable to stop tears falling now. Even in his distress some part of Seb still felt bad that he would be worrying Mark when he was so far away and unable to do anything. A weird part of him wanted to ring Mark back and tell him not to worry, but he couldn't do it. It had gone quiet downstairs and somehow that frightened Seb even more.

If Heikki was quiet Seb was sure it wasn't because he was patiently waiting to see if he would answer the door. He was up to something. Probably going around the house as he had that time before. Looking in at windows, maybe trying the doors. Sebastian thanked god that he had already been round to make sure everywhere was locked up. Surely he wouldn't break in, _surely_?

 

Sebastian sat waiting to hear a forced door, a broken window, but nothing came. The dogs seemed to be listening just as carefully, their ears pricked up, knowing that danger was at hand and their master was threatened.

“Seb stop hiding and open the fucking door!”

Every muscle in Sebastian's body tensed up as he heard the shout. He could tell that the voice was slightly further away from the front door. As if Heikki was stood on the drive looking up. Seb wondered if he could see the little bathroom window open and knew where he was.

“I want to talk to you!”

Sebastian squeezed his hands into fists, thinking, _'go away, go away, go away,_ ' over and over, as if Heikki could hear him.

“You're a fucking coward. You're pathetic Seb. Not so brave without your big strong boyfriend with you eh? I fucking knew it,” bit Heikki.

 

That felt like a blow. Seb didn't feel brave without Mark here and he hated that Heikki knew it. He tried to think what Mark would be saying now, how he would be telling Heikki that he was the one who was a coward. A part of Seb's brain chimed in that Heikki couldn't be so brave if he had waited until he was sure that Mark wasn't here to try to confront him.

If Heikki knew the police were on their way Seb was certain he would run a mile. Surely he would?

Sebastian sat himself up and tried to calm himself thinking about that. Wouldn't it be better if Heikki knew the police were on their way and then he would just leave?

He tried to imagine Mark being there with him, his steady warm voice telling him how brave he really was and how Heikki was the pathetic one. He pulled Mark's hoody tighter around him and remembered how he always said it was like wearing one of his hugs. Right now Seb would give anything for a hug from Mark, to feel his arms around him and bury his face in Mark's solid chest. There was nothing in the world that could be frightening if he had that.

His rock. That was what Seb needed. But he couldn't have him. Mark was far away and completely unaware what was happening. Sebastian closed his eyes to take steady breaths. He couldn't fall apart. Seb imagined Mark's steady voice, his firm hand rubbing his back to make him feel better, making him feel stronger, more capable.

Seb recalled all the times Mark had been there for him when he was afraid and how he always told Seb he was strong, that he was brave, that he could do anything. Seb thought how he had told Mark that he was always with him, even when they were apart and how that idea always warmed him and made him feel he could do the impossible: He could get back in the car when Sebastian was terrified that he might not know how to drive; He could race when the thought of crashing haunted him; He could face the press and take all their cruelties with a smile; He could pretend he was fine when he wasn't.

That idea stuck. He could pretend. Mark said he was the best actor he'd ever met. When he needed to Seb could put up a front and appear to be what was required of him, even when he felt he was falling apart inside. Could he do that now? Could he pretend to be fine and stand up to Heikki. Could he tell him to go?

Sebastian's heart was still pounding, but wouldn't that be better? If he could risk going downstairs and fake being brave enough to tell Heikki to leave, then this could all be over. Sebastian wondered whether Heikki didn't know him too well, that he might not immediately see through the façade and recognise the fear in his eyes.

 

He looked at the dogs who were obediently sat by his side.

“I think I need to tell him to go.”

The dogs looked back at Seb and he wondered what they were thinking. Did they think him a coward for hiding in here? At least he had them. Heikki was afraid of them. Seb gave the dogs a stroke and tried to steel his resolve. Maybe he didn't need to open the door? He could just go downstairs and speak through the front door to tell Heikki to clear off.

It took another moment, but Seb persuaded himself to stand. He tried to ignore the way his trembling hand took several attempts to unlock the bathroom door and even longer to take that one step out onto the landing. Seb turned to the dogs and ducked down with them again.

“Okay I'm going to tell him to go. I need to you to bark and sound really fierce when I ask, alright?”

He nodded at them and Seb was half-convinced the dogs might nod back. He looked down the stairs and saw the front door still safely closed before slowly starting down towards it, each step a minor miracle. Half-way down he could hear Heikki shouting again, taunting him. He froze in place for a moment, but somehow he carried on down until he was in the hall, walking on legs that felt like jelly towards the front door.

Just as he got close to it there was another bang on the door and Sebastian jumped so badly he didn't know how he was still standing.

“Seb open up!”

The dogs began barking loudly at the door, only quitting when Sebastian hushed them.

He took a shaky step closer, feeling as if he must be vibrating with fear. Seb took a deep breath, knowing that if he was going to speak it was essential that he didn't _sound_ afraid, even if inside he was terrified.

“Go away!”

Only a few feet away Heikki's hand paused in mid-flow as he was about to bang the door again. He'd not expected to hear that. _Seb_. Heikki snorted a laugh. So he was there listening after all.

“No Seb I don't think so. Open this door.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and felt the dogs brush into his legs. He took a deep breath and made his mouth work again. He had to pretend not to be afraid.

“You need to go. I've called the police.”

Even through the thick wooden door Sebastian heard laughter and without warning he was suddenly angry. How dare Heikki laugh at him?

“They'll be here soon so you need to go. _Now_.”

 

There was a definite pause before Heikki answered, his voice a shade less strident than before.

“Bullshit.”

“It's not. I've called the police. They'll be here soon. So will Christian.”

Heikki laughed again and Seb wondered if it sounded unsettled now.

“I don't believe you. You'd never do that little Sebi, you're lying.”

“No I'm not. They'll be here soon and then you'll see. You're breaking the law by being here Heikki. You should leave now.”

“Bullshit.”

Heikki's voice was definitely less confident. Seb was sure of it. Maybe this was working? He took a couple of steps closer to the door.

“It's not. They saw you on CCTV at the factory. You know you're not allowed to be there. You're not allowed to be here either. You have to leave.”

Sebastian nearly added 'please' but he stopped himself. He couldn't sound as if he was pleading with Heikki. He had to sound strong and in control. He'd called the police. He had the upper hand here.

“Bullshit,” repeated Heikki.

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's not.”

 

There was a silent stand-off for a minute either side of the door as both of them tried to work out what to say.

“I don't believe you. You'd never do that.”

Heikki huffed a little laugh to himself. No way would Seb call the police. Never in a million years.

“You're a liar Seb. Good try, but no. I'm not going anywhere until you open this door.”

 

Sebastian took a shaky breath in and hoped there was no way Heikki could hear it through the door. Did he have to face him? Was that what it would take to get rid of him?

Seb looked to the dogs by his legs and dipped down with them as he whispered.

“Okay. I'm going to open the door and the bad man is outside. I need to make him go away.”

He looked to the side and saw the leashes there where he had left them when he'd brought the dogs in from their walk earlier. Seb reached over and tried not to focus on how much his hands were shaking as he attached the leads to their collars.

“When I open the door I need you to bark and frighten him, but don't bite. Not unless I tell you to,” he instructed.

The tiniest of smiles reached his face as Sebastian said that. He was sure that if he told them to the dogs would chew Heikki's leg off. That gave him some confidence and Seb stood up, keeping a firm grip on the leads as he held them in one hand. He tried to make himself stand taller, hoping that there was no sign on his face that he had been crying before. Seb rubbed his face and then put his hand on the door lock.

His hand still trembled and Seb knew he couldn't allow Heikki to see that. He balled his hand into a fist and shook it out before putting his hand on the door again to open it. He barely knew how he was moving but it slowly unlocked. The click unmistakeable. Seb wondered if Heikki heard it, but then he was going to know in a moment anyway. No more hesitation. He had to be decisive, not afraid. _Not afraid._ Sebastian dropped his hand to put it by the other, then pushed his sleeve up for a moment and stroked his thumb over the tattooed fish. Be brave, be brave and keep going, don't give up, don't give in, be strong even when it seems impossible.

 

He swung the door open and Heikki who was stood on the doorstep was so shocked he took a step backwards and nearly fell as he dropped back off the step onto the drive. The look of surprise on his face was so unexpected that Sebastian was surprised too, but the sight of him at all was still too frightening for Seb. He would have wanted to step back and slam the door shut again and lock himself inside to feel safe but for the dogs who as Heikki went to re-take the pace forwards to stand onto the doorstep again, immediately strained on their leashes, barking and jumping at him. Sebastian had to hold tight on the leads to prevent them breaking away.

“Down boys,” he instructed, Seb's voice far firmer than he though possible in this moment.

Heikki was regrouping and appeared to be about to speak but Sebastian knew he had to get in first.

“You need to go. I told you I've called the police and Christian is coming too.”

Heikki shook his head, his voice quieter now.

“I don't believe you.”

“Believe what you want. You'll find out soon enough.”

 

Heikki stared at him. This wasn't the Sebastian he knew. He should be cowering in a corner, obeying him only because Heikki made him do so. Why wasn't he scared? Heikki went to take a step forwards again to try to intimidate him, but the dogs leapt up growling at him and he stayed in place.

“You don't want to come any closer either,” stated Sebastian, false confidence in his voice. “They haven't had any lunch and there's only so much I can do to hold them back.”

A bizarre little part of Seb's brain baulked at that ridiculous lie. The dogs would do whatever he asked of them. Seb was sure of that. Then again, they didn't need telling that Heikki was a threat. He wondered if they really did recognise him. Could they smell him? Did they smell fear on Heikki? Was Heikki pretending just as Sebastian was?

“Bullshit,” muttered Heikki, but he stayed where he was. “You wouldn't be so brave without them.”

Sebastian knew that might be true, but he was hardly going to admit it.

“Why are you here?” he asked.

 

Seb's heart was pounding so loudly he could hear it, but somehow he kept his face impassive, knowing that if he let any sign of fear appear, he was done. Heikki could just take that step forwards and then what would happen? Would the dogs attack him? Surely they would, but if he got past them, if he got up to Seb and pushed him inside, then what? Seb knew he wasn't strong enough to fight him off. If Heikki got them inside and somehow shut the dogs out, then he was done for. Had he made a terrible mistake coming down here? Sebastian's heart sped up even faster as he fought to push those thoughts away.

Heikki was staring at him, his mouth a tight line.

“You. That's why I'm here. You've ruined my life.”

“What?”

Heikki thought _Seb_ had ruined his life? What the hell? Christ almighty. What an inverted notion that was when Heikki was the one who ruined Seb's life, very nearly destroying him.

“You and you little pals, your fucking lawyers, your whispers in dark corridors, wrecking my career. They fired me. Did you know that?”

Sebastian stared back, not knowing what he was talking about.

“I didn't do anything.”

“Yes you fucking did! Don't deny it,” bit Heikki angrily.

It took everything Sebastian had not to flee away from that anger, but now he was here Seb was glued in place.

“RedBull did. I know it. They wouldn't say, but I know,” went on Heikki. “Did you go to Daddy Seb? Was that it? Have Christian make some calls, pull favours, get them to put me on a blacklist? What lies did you tell?”

Sebastian's mouth hung open.

“I didn't tell any lies. I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Bullshit!” shouted Heikki, his voice strangely high and desperate.

 

The desperation scared Seb even more as he feared what it might push Heikki to do, but somehow his mouth replied.

“It's not. And if you're talking about the lawyers that's your fault. You went to the press, you broke the agreement.”

“Pieces of paper.”

“That you signed. You took the money. You agreed and then you broke it. You broke the restraining order too, you're breaking it now. That's why the lawyers had to do what they did. That's why I've called the police now.”

Heikki shook his head.

“You can't do that.”

Sebastian really did let out an unexpected huff of a laugh then.

“What are you talking about? This isn't my fault. This is all _you_ Heikki. How can you not see that? You're the one making this happen. You wouldn't leave me alone, you went on and on, following me, going to the press, saying terrible things about me. All I wanted was for you to go away. I wouldn't have done anything. You could have just lived your life, done your job, whatever, but you had to do all that. Why?”

Part of Seb really did want to know.

 

Heikki shook his head, as if it was obvious.

“Because you're mine.”

Sebastian froze. The way Heikki said that, so compulsively, as if it went to his very soul. It echoed in his head. _'You're mine Seb, don't you know that? You're mine and no one else's. No one else would want you. I can do what I want with you. You're mine._ '

“No I'm not.”

Seb knew his voice came out breathy then. The memories resonated in his mind, strong and disturbing, but he couldn't let that go unchallenged.

 

Heikki seemed to get closer even though he didn't move. Sebastian could feel him encroaching, the power to control him building. Heikki's voice dripped with contempt as he went on.

“Yes you are. You're mine. You always were and you always will be. No matter what you do I will always have you. I will always be inside you because I know you Seb. I know you like nobody else does. I know how weak you are, how afraid. I know what a pathetic little child you are inside. You need me. I'm the only person who really knows you.”

A horrible smile crept over Heikki's face as he read the effect he was having on Sebastian.

“And the really tragic thing Seb is that you want it. You want me. You always have and you always will. You want me to take control. That's what you need. You need me.”

“No I don't,” breathed Sebastian, wishing he could make his voice sound stronger.

“You do. It's what you want deep down. I saw it the moment we met. You wanted me. You know you're mine.”

 

Sebastian shook his head. He could feel Heikki's words weaselling their way inside, worming their way through his stomach, tying it up in knots. If it weren't for the dogs Seb knew that Heikki would be stood by him now, his hand at the side of his face, beginning with a caress of his cheek that might look affectionate, but was only Heikki's way of holding him in place as he looked to be satisfied there was fear in his eyes, the voice soft but threatening before Heikki decided the moment had come and that hand slid to push Seb up against a wall, pinning him around his throat. It was all a game to him, a fun little game to torture Seb, knowing he controlled every moment. His voice was almost hypnotising, but Seb knew he had to break free. He couldn't let him win.

“No. I'm not.”

Seb knew his voice came out too quietly.

“You are Seb. You're mine. You'll always be mine.”

Something inside Seb rebelled at that. The assumption that he would fold so easily. He couldn't do that. He couldn't give in. It wasn't true.

“I'm not. I'm not yours. I was never yours.”

“Yes you...”

“ _No.”_

Sebastian's voice came out far stronger as he interrupted him. He gripped the leads in one hand tightly and balled the other hand into a fist.

“I'm not yours. I'm Mark's. I could never be yours. I was never _yours_. You can't really own something you stole.”

Sebastian's voice was close to shaking now, but he had to go on, the emotion coming through in waves powering him on.

“You took and you took, but I never gave myself to you. I never gave. Never. And if I never gave, then I wasn't yours, but I am Mark's, and he is mine. We belong to each other.”

Seb was sure he must be vibrating from head to toe, but his voice went on as he felt compelled to make himself clear. Heikki didn't know him. He'd merely made Seb into the creature he wanted him to be and worked on convincing him he could never be anything else. Mark was the one who really knew him, who valued him, who loved him.

“I gave myself to Mark because he loves me. He's never once had to take. He'd never _ever_ do that.”

Sebastian looked at Heikki and shook his head at how disbelievingly he looked back.

“You don't even understand what I'm saying do you?”

Heikki looked as if he wanted to say something, but he didn't. Seb huffed through his nose and wanted to cry.

“Do you even understand what you did to me?”

 

Sebastian stared at him, glassy eyed. Surely Heikki had to know what he had done? He couldn't be so deluded that he didn't understand what he had done to Seb. He couldn't possibly think it was okay? He had to know. It had to have been deliberate.

“You have to know what you did?”

The words leaked out of Sebastian's mouth almost unconsciously. Heikki had to know. There was no way he could delude himself that he hadn't hurt him deliberately. All that calculation, all those times he'd planned so carefully what he'd done. The measured injuries. The way he'd made sure they unlikely to be noticed. How he'd relished the opportunities the breaks gave him to let loose that tightly coiled rage Heikki hid from the paddock. The way he'd always waited until no one was around to lash out at Seb. He had to know it was wrong to have hidden all that. He had to.

 

Sebastian stared out at him, wondering if Heikki really was deranged as his father had once called him. If he didn't understand the damage he had done he had to be unhinged. Sebastian was suddenly more frightened by that idea. If Heikki was crazy then he could do anything. Surely that wasn't true? He'd always seemed so in control.

Heikki stared back at Seb, cold eyed.

“You deserved it.”

Sebastian took in a sharp breath, as if a blow had landed. His mouth was half open but now he didn't know what to say. Heikki twitched the smile on his face and it looked uglier than it had ever done before. Taunting him as he had always done.

_You deserve it. You're pathetic, worthless, a waste of space. You think you're so special Seb, what a joke. You're a joke. Don't you know that everyone laughs at you? They think you're so annoying. When you think you're doing well everyone else despises you. Can't you hear them all booing Seb? Everybody hates you. You deserve this. You should thank me for reminding you. Are you going to cry Sebi? Oh my god you're crying. That's so pathetic. What a child you are. Can't you see why you deserve this? You deserve to hurt Seb. You deserve this. Go on, cry. Cry little Sebi, I want to see you cry._

Sebastian drew himself back from those terrible recollections, all those hurtful words burning into him. He knew they weren't true now.

 

“No.”

Heikki's head jerked as if slapped in the face.

“What?”

“I didn't. I didn't deserve what you did to me. No one does. There's something wrong with you Heikki.”

Seb's voice may have quavered, but he pressed on. He had to say the words. He couldn't let Heikki get away with it, not any more.

Heikki still looked shocked, but his face curled into a snarl.

“Fuck you.”

He tried to take a step closer, but the dogs bared their teeth and growled menacingly. Heikki froze, dropping his foot back on the floor.

 

Sebastian wanted to run away and hide. He wanted to fall apart and cry, but he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't let Heikki win. Seb forced his voice to come out, trying to sound confident, though Seb knew he must sound as terrified as he really was that any moment Heikki would snap and hurl himself at him. If he let him see weakness then Seb knew he might be finished. He stood solidly and kept his face still.

“Really, you should get help Heikki, because there's something wrong with you. There has to be.”

Sebastian shook his head and suddenly he wasn't pretending. He looked at Heikki with pity.

“And I feel sorry for you, because you can't see it. You don't know what's so wrong with you. You don't even know what you're missing. You don't know what love is. You can't or you'd never behave like this.”

Heikki glowered at him.

“Shut up.”

Emboldened, Seb went on. “No. I think you need help.”

 

Heikki couldn't stand it any longer. He went to launch into Sebastian but the dogs snapped at him and he had to dodge out of the way. As he did so Heikki missed the way Sebastian flinched away and grabbed a hold of the doorframe with his spare hand to hold himself in position as he hung onto the dogs leads with his other hand. Heikki stood back where he had been, fighting the urge to kick out at the dogs, if only because he knew he'd probably lose a foot in the process.

“You keep them back. They're fucking dangerous.”

Sebastian goggled at him.

“You're the one who's intruding. I told you, you need to go. The police are on their way. They'll be here soon.”

Heikki shook his head, but his voice faltered.

“You're just making that up. You'd never call the police.”

Sebastian still gripped the doorframe, but he stayed in place.

“I have and they'll be here soon, but Christian might be sooner.”

 

Heikki didn't mean to, but he automatically looked behind him towards the driveway entrance, looking out for someone arriving. Seeing nothing there he was tempted to call Seb a liar again, trying to scare him off, but something in his voice told him Seb was telling the truth. Heikki stared back at him, wondering where the person he knew had gone.

“The Seb I knew would never do that,” Heikki let out, almost accidentally.

Sebastian looked back, his mouth seeming to operate of its own accord.

“I'm not him any more. That person died.”

He shook his head at Heikki, who clearly didn't comprehend what Seb was saying.

“Don't you know that I died? In Monza. My heart stopped and I died. The old me is gone. I'm not him any more Heikki. Maybe the old Seb wouldn't have called the police. Maybe you could control him. But not me. You're nothing to me Heikki. When I came out of the coma I couldn't even remember you. You'd been wiped from my mind.”

Adrenaline was thrumming through Sebastian as he faced up to him, seeing Heikki looking so taken aback only encouraged him to go on, to believe his own words.

“That's how unimportant you were to me. I couldn't even remember you existed. Only Mark, because he's my life now and you're not. You're nothing. You're just a nuisance and if you had any sense you'd leave before your life gets even worse by being arrested.”

Heikki could feel anger resonating from every pore at Sebastian having the temerity to speak to him this way. He was going to have to get rid of these damn dogs to teach him a lesson. Sebastian was going to learn his place again. He didn't get to speak to him this way. He needed punishing, then he'd remember. Seb wasn't this strong. It couldn't be true. He had to be weak. Heikki was going to show him just how weak he really was. He was going to regret this.

 

Sebastian saw a worrying expression settle across Heikki's face and his resolve wavered, knowing he had seen that look before when he'd tried to stand up to him in the past and what had been the consequence. A part of his brain was screaming at Seb to run, to shut Heikki out before it was too late. What had he been thinking coming down here? He'd only antagonised him and made it worse. Fear curled inside Sebastian as he realised the danger he was in now.

He was just on the point of doing what Seb now thought he should already have done and get away from Heikki as fast as possible, when in the background he heard a noise, a car coming down the lane. He looked past Heikki and seconds later saw a police car appear and pull onto the drive. Heikki whipped around and they both froze in place.

The police car pulled up and stopped. Two people climbed out, a man and a woman, both in uniform. The dogs started barking at them so Sebastian tugged them back inside the house where he stood in the doorway.

“Seb what have you done?” asked Heikki, panic now on his face.

Seb's voice now shook more than it had before. The situation feeling oddly realer now the police were here.

“I told you they were coming. I told you to go. Why didn't you believe me?”

 

The two police officers were close by now. They looked at Sebastian in the doorway of the house and the male officer spoke.

“I'm P.C. Drummond and this is P.C. Riga. Can I ask who made the 999 call?”

Sebastian found his mouth dry now, but he knew he had to speak.

“That was me.”

“And you are?”

“Seb.”

“This your property?”

“Yes. Well, I mean I live here.”

“I see and is this person you called about sir?”

Sebastian felt almost as frightened of the police as he was Heikki, stupid as he knew that was.

“I... I just want him to go.”

Heikki's jaw set as he turned at the two police officers.

“I don't know what he's told you, but it's all lies. I haven't done anything.”

The two police officers looked at one another. Nothing said guilty conscience like denying a crime you hadn't been accused of.

“Is this your house sir?” asked the woman to Heikki.

“What? No, I...”

“Well would you care to explain what you are doing here?”

“I... I'm just visiting. I wanted to talk to him.”

They looked to Sebastian who shook his head.

“I just want him to go. I don't want any trouble.”

 

Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut as the adrenaline that had been running though him ebbed away, leaving him feeling sick and empty inside. He just wanted Heikki to go away, why wouldn't he do that? Why did he have to make his life so complicated?

“Is he causing trouble?” asked the male officer.

Sebastian sighed out.

“I just want him to go.”

He looked out at Heikki, appealing again. “Why don't you go? Why did you have to come here? I just want to be left alone.”

“So he's bothering you?”

Sebastian tried to steel himself again. If _they_ could just tell him to go then maybe Heikki would finally leave.

“There's a restraining order. He can't be here.”

Heikki glared at him, then turned to the police.

“He's lying. That's bullshit, don't believe him. Just because he is who he is, he thinks he can say anything he wants and you'll just run around after him doing his bidding.”

Another glance was exchanged between the police and Sebastian could feel them appraising him, trying to work out if they should recognise him.

“I'm nobody. I just want him to go away,” Seb tried.

The couple of police officers wondered at that reaction. They hadn't been given a name, only an address and call out for a possible intruder or a domestic incident.

“I see and this gentleman has no right to be here?”

“No,” confirmed Seb.

“There's a restraining order against him?” asked the woman.

“Yes.”

Both police officers turned back to Heikki who looked as if he wanted to either scream at Sebastian or run for the hills and he didn't know himself which.

 

There was a noise coming from the lane and they all paused to look as another car pulled onto the drive. Christian was finally here. Heikki dragged his eyes away from the car to look at Sebastian who couldn't help giving him an _'I told you_ ,' look in reply.

 

Christian clambered out, a brown manilla folder under his arm, rushing over the drive to reach the group by the front door. He stopped and stared at Heikki, horrified to see him there in the flesh when Christian had still half thought that this really could have been nothing after all.

“My god.”

Christian shook his head at Heikki simply standing there, then at the police and finally at Sebastian stood in the doorway, the dogs pressed into his legs.

“Seb, I'm so sorry. I had to... I brought the file.”

Sebastian frowned at him and the police officers intervened, wondering what on earth was going on now.

“Excuse me sir but who are you?”

“I'm Seb's boss, a friend.”

“He's a friend?” checked one of the officers.

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian.

“I brought the file,” repeated Christian, as if that would be obvious to everyone.

“What file is this?” asked the policeman.

“His file. Heikki's. His file from legal. I asked them to get it for me so I could have it. There's a restraining order, any number of warning letters. He can't be here.”

Christian gave Heikki a hard stare as he composed himself to his task.

“You can't be here Heikki. You know this. What the hell were you thinking?”

Heikki said nothing in reply. Christian sighed and shook his head. Seb had been right. He should have trusted his instincts. Of course it had been Heikki hanging around, making trouble as ever. Would he never do the decent thing and drop off the side of the earth?

 

“Right,” said the policewoman decisively. “We need to sort this out. I think we need a look at this file sir.”

“Of course,” nodded Christian.

Heikki realising the game was up, decided that he should cut his losses.

“Fine. I'll go then.”

The male police officer shook his head.

“Oh no you don't. You'll wait here. I think we should step inside.”

Sebastian's eyes opened wider, panicking at the idea of Heikki coming inside the house.

“No.”

“Oh, apologies sir I don't mean him. He can wait in the car.”

“So I'll wait in my car then,” huffed Heikki, thinking he could go out to the lane, down where he'd hidden himself out of sight, climb into his hire car and drive away.

“ _Our_ car,” enunciated the policewoman. “PC Drummond here will accompany you.”

Heikki looked as if he wanted to protest, but he meekly allowed himself to be led to the police car and sat in the back seat, unable to get out once the door was shut. As soon as he was secured the policeman returned and nodded at them.

“He's not going anywhere, alright?” he reassured.

Seb nodded.

“Okay then. Might we step inside for a moment do you think?” asked the policewoman.

“Um, sure.”

The police officers got out their warrant cards to confirm their identity before coming into the house, although Seb thought that the uniforms and squad car were already something of a give-away.

 

 

  


Seb sat on the sofa, Christian at his side showing the police officers the legal file, proving why Heikki shouldn't be anywhere near here. Sebastian almost wished he hadn't called them. He didn't want to answer their questions, but then even with Heikki locked in the police car he still felt his threat lingering like a bad smell floating into the house. Now he was sat still Sebastian hardly knew how he had stood up to him. He let Christian do most of the talking, glad that he was sticking to the story in the legal papers that only stated that Heikki was harassing him and not more than that. The police tried asking Seb a few probing questions but he didn't want to answer them. He couldn't have more than that getting written down and somehow ending up going public again.

“So it's just harassment?” pressed the policeman.

Seb didn't want to lie to him. He caught Christian's eye and silently pleaded with him not to say any more. Seb gave a fractional nod to the policeman.

“But you felt threatened by him?”

Seb shrugged up one shoulder. He had been so terrified. Seb hadn't a clue how he had gone from hiding in locked rooms upstairs to confronting Heikki on his doorstep. He had absolutely no idea where he'd found the nerve. He'd done it on his own as well. How on earth had he done that? Any time in the past when he had tried to stand up to Heikki alone it had ended only one way.

 

If the police hadn't come when they did would that have happened today? But then he hadn't been entirely alone, he'd had the dogs and there was no way Seb would have had the confidence to open the front door if he hadn't known that the police and Christian really were coming soon.

“Seb?”

Sebastian was pulled out of his reverie.

“Sorry, what?”

“Are you alright?” checked Christian.

“Hmm? Yeah, I'm okay.”

Sebastian stroked the dogs by his legs and the policeman tried again.

“Did he threaten you?”

Sebastian took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Heikki hadn't really done anything, but he could have. What if the police hadn't turned up? What if Christian had waited longer before calling him? What if the girl on the front desk hadn't said anything? What if? What if? What if?

“Seb?”

“I think I need to get some air.”

“Seb are you alright?”

Christian seemed concerned, but Sebastian couldn't even look at him. He felt sick now.

“I just need some air.”

 

Sebastian didn't look at the police officers as he stood. He walked out into the hall and glanced towards the front door that was only set to, not shut. He couldn't go that way, that was where Heikki was. He turned to the kitchen and went through, unlocking the back door and stepping out into the garden, not noticing the dogs trailing in his wake. Seb took several steps out onto the lawn, drawing deep breaths in, trying to make the sick feeling go away. He closed his eyes for a moment, then wished he hadn't as he suddenly felt dizzy and promptly threw up. Sebastian's hand was pressed into his thigh, stopping himself from toppling over as he threw up a second time, then forced himself to stand.

The dogs were still with him and they edged forwards, somehow forcing Seb to try to pull himself together.

“No come away.”

 

Sebastian managed to take a hold of the leashes he had been too distracted to undo from the dogs and turned back to the house to see Christian and the policewoman stood in the kitchen doorway. Christian stepped out to walk over to him on the lawn, placing a hand on his arm.

“Are you okay?”

Sebastian wanted to ask if he looked okay. He suspected he knew what the answer was. Getting no answer, Christian noted how Sebastian was looking towards the policewoman.

“I'm sorry, she followed me through. The other one's gone to check on Heikki.”

Christian regretted saying the name when he saw how pale Sebastian looked.

“Look come and sit down.”

Seb found Christian taking his elbow and walking him back over to the back door. He really did need to sit down.

The policewoman looked at him.

“Are you alright?”

Sebastian swallowed and then wished he hadn't. His mouth tasted disgusting.

“I just need to sit down.”

Christian gave the woman a look.

“Perhaps you could give us a moment?”

“Of course. I'll umm, well I'll just be out front.”

She walked away and Christian went to get Sebastian a glass of water. Seb stood in the entrance for another moment and then turned and sat heavily on the back doorstep. Christian looked over, worried at how fast Seb had gone down then. He stepped over and crouched down by him, offering the water to Sebastian.

Seb took the glass and gratefully took a sip. Christian saw how unsteady his hand was, but decided now wasn't the time to mention it.

“Seb I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner. I should have come here right away we saw anything on the CCTV. I should have known it was him. I hate to think what could have happened.”

Sebastian felt another wave of nausea sweep through him. It was all he could think about now.

“I'm sorry it took me so long. It took legal longer than I thought to pull that file for me. Thank god you called the police,” continued Christian, wondering why the hell he hadn't done that himself.

  


Seb just sipped his water. He knew it was ungrateful, but he didn't want Christian here. He wanted Mark. The dogs were resting on his legs where they stretched out from the doorway. They'd been so good. He wanted to thank them, but not while his boss was there. He rested his head against the doorframe and closed his eyes.

Christian sighed. Enough was enough. He needed to speak to the police officers. Christian was used to playing hard-ball with some of the toughest operators in the paddock. He was used to handling Bernie for godsake. He could negotiate something with a couple of police couldn't he?

He took a deep breath and gave Seb a gentle pat on the arm.

“You stay here Seb. I'm just going to go through for a few minutes.”

Sebastian didn't reply. He felt as if all that energy that had been zinging through him as he faced up to Heikki had leached out of him. He stayed as he was while Christian stood and walked through the hall to see the officers speaking to Heikki in the car, waiting until they came back over to ask them to step into the lounge so he could have a quiet word. Off the record. There were ways of saying things without saying things. Ways of hinting what a serious case this was without actually giving any statement of fact. He'd already clocked the way the officers hid their reaction when Seb gave his full name and they finally worked out why they ought to know who he was. Christian didn't want to ask for special treatment, but what he did want was to appeal to their humanity, their common sense, and the fact that he suspected they dealt with too many cases where they couldn't get the outcome they wanted.

 

Five minutes later he came back through to find Sebastian where he'd left him, sat in the kitchen doorway, stroking the dogs. He bobbed back down by Sebastian and looked to see how he was; marginally less green-looking which was something.

“Seb. Feeling any better?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath.

“A bit.”

Christian nodded.

“Okay, look I've had a word with them and I've tried to appraise them of the seriousness of the situation.”

Sebastian widened his eyes in horror.

“What? Oh my god, what have you said?”

Christian had his hand back on Seb's arm.

“No, it's okay. I haven't told them anything specific. All they know is what's in the legal papers. That Heikki is a dangerous individual who will not accept abstract warnings. He needs to know that he cannot just do as he pleases.”

“Christian.”

“He needs to know that he cannot come back here Seb,” warned Christian.

Sebastian closed his eyes. He still didn't understand what his boss was getting at.

“You haven't told them... what he did?”

Christian shook his head. He knew what Seb meant.

“No, none of that, although...”

“What?”

“They still want to ask you some questions.”

“Christian.”

“I'm sorry Seb but it's their duty. You don't have to answer them if you don't want to. Do you want me to get someone from legal over?”

Sebastian scrunched his face. That was the last thing he wanted.

“No. I just want this to be over. I just want him gone.”

Christian nodded. He'd presumed as much.

“Okay, well just come through for a moment and let's get this over with.”

“Okay” replied Seb quietly.

He still didn't fancy it much but Sebastian understood there was no choice in the matter.

 

They went back through and resumed their seats on the sofa. The notes from Heikki's file were spread out on the coffee table and Seb hated the thought that they had been through them all, but it couldn't be avoided.

“Seb,” began the policewoman. “I appreciate that this is distressing, but we need to ask you a few more questions. Are you well enough to answer?”

“I'm okay.”

“Good.”

He looked pretty pale to her, but at least he wasn't throwing up any more.

“Christian has been through the details of the restraining order and the instances of Heikki's breaking it, as of course he has done again today.”

Sebastian gave a little nod.

“Okay, so I need to ask you what happened before we arrived. Did he threaten you?”

Sebastian gave a tiny shake of his head.

“No he just, I don't know, he just shouted a lot and banged on the door. I think he was going around the house.”

“Trying to get in?” interjected the male police constable.

Seb looked over at him.

“I don't know, maybe. I was upstairs.”

“But you felt threatened?” asked the woman.

“Yeah.”

“He made attempts to intimidate you?”

Sebastian let out a sigh. He barely knew what Heikki had done, but he always intimidated him.

“I guess. Yes.”

“When we arrived you were speaking to him,” noted the man.

Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment.

“I just... I was trying to ask him to leave. I told him I'd called the police, but he still wouldn't go.”

“He refused to leave the property?” pressed the woman.

“Yeah.”

She nodded and made more notes in her little book, then looked at the array of legal paperwork.

“Okay, so clearly he's breaking his restraining order. Are you wishing to press charges?”

“No. God no. I just want him to leave me alone.”

“You're sure about that?”

Sebastian looked to Christian sat by him. Christian had already intimated as much to the police officers but they had told him that they had to hear it from the victim himself.

Seb gave a fractional nod, feeling queasy again at the idea that this could end up in the courts.

The policewoman made a few more notes and looked to her colleague.

“Okay. If you're sure. If you could just give us a moment.”

 

The two police officers stepped out into the hall to confer. Sebastian silently sipped the glass of water he had brought through with him and Christian sat awkwardly for a moment before going out into the hallway to join them.

“Sorry, am I interrupting?”

He got a shake of heads back.

“No. If he won't press charges we're pretty much done here.”

“So you just let Heikki go?” asked Christian, unimpressed.

The policeman sighed.

“Look, I appreciate that this is a complicated situation. There will be an official record of this which can of course be passed on to your legal team.”

“You may have noticed he doesn't take much notice of paperwork,” pointed out Christian.

“Mm.”

The policewoman glanced at her colleague again, then back at Christian.

“Do you believe he still constitutes a threat?”

Christian nodded.

“You've seen how long this has been going on for. Heikki thinks he's untouchable.”

“Well then why not press charges?” asked the man.

Christian sighed.

“Seb won't do it. I told you. He's in a very difficult situation. The press...” he trailed off and the two police officers looked at one another again, having discussed on their own what they now recalled from media reports on the previous stories of stalking to do with Seb.

The woman took a breath and then asked something, hoping that she might get more from Christian as he had hinted earlier, than Sebastian had been willing to disclose.

“Look, you seem to know all about this. Is there more to it than was in these papers?”

Christian glanced back to the closed lounge door. He couldn't betray Sebastian, but at the same time he wanted more action from the police on this to try to put a stop to things.

“I'm not at liberty to say.”

The policeman raised his eyebrows and the two police officers looked each other. That sounded like a yes to them.

“What kind of threat does he pose?”

Christian sighed and gave a slight shake of his head. He couldn't spell it out.

“You saw Seb's reaction. What does that tell you?”

The policeman looked to his partner again. She had told him that she'd seen Sebastian vomiting out in the garden. As they had sat in the lounge he had been pale, distracted, clearly anxious. It said plenty.

“There are circumstances where we can take action without the victim's consent. If that's what's necessary,” the police constable pointed out.

Christian shook his head.

 

“Look,” tried Christian. “Can't we work something out here? You know, for the greater good. You don't want the paperwork. We don't want the publicity. We just want him gone and Heikki to understand that if he ever sets foot anywhere near Seb again he's going to wish he'd never been born. Heikki's a bully, but deep down he's essentially a coward. If you could just, I don't know, give him the hard line, the voice of authority to warn him off?”

“We have every intention of speaking to him,” noted the policeman.

“Right, but that's it?”

The woman frowned, then had an idea.

“He's not from here, that's right isn't it? Finland.”

“Yeah. I'm guessing he only flew in today seeing as he knew Mark was away.”

The woman nodded, having been appraised of Seb's family situation earlier.

“Okay,” continued the woman, “so ideally we'd be thinking he might want to go home as soon as possible.”

Her partner allowed a small smile to rest on his lips as he continued the idea.

“With the idea that it would be unwise for him to come back.”

“Mm.”

Christian looked at the two of them, thrilled that they might be willing to help. He'd honestly been battling with coming perilously close to offering them a bribe just to get them to do something.

“What have you got in mind?” asked Christian, trying not to sound too happy about it.

The policeman looked to his partner again, thinking they might actually enjoy getting to show a toe-rag they couldn't walk all over them for once.

“Well I was just thinking we could give him a taxi ride to the airport.”

Christian could have hugged them.

  


  


Heikki sat sulking in the back seat of the police car, wondering what was taking them so long. They couldn't just leave him sat locked in here all day.

He saw the front door open again and the two police officers walk back to the car and climb in, turning from their positions in the front to speak to him.

“Right then sunshine,” nodded the male sat in the passenger seat. “What are we going to do with you?”

Heikki scowled at his obnoxiously upbeat tone.

“You can't just keep me in here. It's not right.”

“Are you wishing to make a complaint?”

“No,” mumbled Heikki.

“Thought not.”

Heikki hated the way they sounded so pleased with themselves. He sat himself upright, trying to look more confident.

“What took you so long?” he asked.

“Oh we were hearing all about you and what you've been up to.”

Heikki stopped at that.

“What?”

The female officer gave her colleague a raised eyebrow. There it was again: A guilty conscience visible from a mile off.

“Mm, very interesting.”

Heikki shook his head, panic rising inside him.

“He's lying. Whatever he said, it's all lies. I haven't done anything.”

“Well clearly you have,” noted the man. “You're here for starters and you're not going to deny you're aware that you can't be.”

Heikki set his mouth into a thin line, unable to argue with that.

“Moreover,” continued the policeman, “I'm given to understanding that there is CCTV footage of you earlier at his place of work and there are three witnesses to you acting in an intimidatory fashion whilst trespassing at the holder of the restraining order's home, two of which I shouldn't have to point out are police officers...”

He eye-balled Heikki, inviting him to say anything to challenge that, but Heikki sat in stony silence.

“Now, then,” picked up the female. “Would you like to come down to the police station to have a little chat about this?”

Heikki looked even more panicked at that idea.

“What? No. I just want to go, alright. I wanted to talk to him, but... I, I realise it was a mistake and I shouldn't have come. I'll just go.”

“Will you?”

“Yes. I'll just go straight to the airport and go home,” vowed Heikki, hoping he could bargain his way out of what was getting to be a very worrying situation.

The policewoman nodded to her partner who nodded back.

“I think that sounds very wise. Don't you Harry?”

“Oh I do indeed,” concurred her partner, failing entirely to hide how he was enjoying this.

“Which airport would this be?” asked the policewoman.

“Heathrow. I'll just go home okay. This is just a misunderstanding. I don't want any trouble,” tried Heikki, sounding as reasonable as he could.

“Mm,” agreed the woman. “That sounds a good idea. What do you say we help you out, give you a lift there?”

“What?”

“Just in case you get lost, or get any silly ideas about coming back here,” continued the policeman.

Heikki's mouth flapped like a goldfish's for a moment until he thought of an argument.

“My car's outside on the lane. I can't just leave it there.”

“We know,” pointed out the man. “I went to check it earlier. It's a hire car. That's no trouble. We'll give them a bell and they'll send someone to collect it.”

“But...”

“Good, well that's decided then. You're not going to cause any difficulty about this are you?”

 

Heikki stared at them both. They couldn't do this. Could they? Then again he really didn't want to find out what the police could do to him if they chose to. It was better just to comply.

“No,” he mumbled, scowling at his shoes.

“There we are then,” smiled the policeman jovially, then he hardened his stare.

“So we'll give you a lift and you'll get on the next flight out of here, no longer our problem?”

“Right.”

“And just so we're entirely clear. You should be aware that it would be extremely ill-advised of you to want to find out what would happen if you decided to return at any point in the future. It's really very easy to put someone on the watch list at passport control. They send out an alert to the requesting police force and bob's your uncle, we pop along to see why you've been overcome by an urge to spend some time at her majesty's pleasure.”

Heikki looked up at them.

“What?”

“He means jail,” explained the woman.

“You can't do that?”

“Really?” smiled the policeman. “I'd say we could, wouldn't you Janet?”

“Oh I think we could make the effort,” she agreed.

Heikki's mind was scrambling. He had no idea they could do that.

“But... He'd never go to court. You've got nothing against me.”

The policewoman looked at him, the smile gone from her face.

“Victims don't have to press charges. These days the law is such that we can recommend the CPS to prosecute on the state's behalf. Weren't you aware of that?”

Heikki opened his mouth and closed it again.

“I didn't think so,” she finished.

Guilty without a doubt. His reactions made it plain as day, but just as they'd been told, a coward underneath. More to this than stalking, that much was clear. She wondered how far it went, but clearly the victim seemed in no position to take this further. They should do what they could.

 

 

  


An hour later the pair of police officers pulled away from Heathrow, feeling considerably better about what they had achieved today. The policewoman looked to her partner.

“Are we going to get shot for this?”

“You planning on telling anyone the finer details?

“Nope. You?”

“Christ no. Rare bloody day we get to dangle a piece of shit by their goolies and see the colour disappear from their face. Low-rent bully like that is barely worth the time of day. Wouldn't last five minutes in jail and he knows it.”

She huffed a laugh.

“Besides,” smiled her partner. “Officially all we did was warn him off. We only gave him hypothetical scenarios. If he assumed they applied to him that that just shows he knows he's done wrong doesn't it?”

“True. And other than that all we did was give him a lift.”

“Exactly. Just doing our civic duty.”

“We're really too good to them.”

They nodded to one another, the pact sealed. The policewoman pulled out onto the A-roads to head back, wondering if they could make it to the police station in half an hour from here.

“Shift over yet, you reckon?” she asked.

“Will be by the time we've written this one up. Let's go to the station and get done. The wife's doing me shepherd's pie later.”

“Lucky you.”

The policeman nodded. He was counting today as a good day. They were rare enough in this job.

  


 

  


  


Christian sat on the chair to the side, Seb on the sofa. The police had come through before they left and assured Sebastian that they were going to give Heikki a proper warning and after they had gone Christian had expanded on that, telling Seb that he was going to be dropped off at the airport with strict instructions never to return. Seb had merely nodded. Now it was over he felt as though he had nothing left to say. A part of him thought he ought to tell Christian that he could go, that he'd be alright, but even though the police had taken Heikki away and the threat was lifted, Seb still didn't feel okay to be left alone. He didn't want to admit it out-loud, but he was praying for Mark to come home.

The dogs were sat up on the sofa piled in on him and Christian watched as Sebastian kept stroking them over and over. He hardly knew what to say to him, but Christian was getting more and more worried. He couldn't pretend he couldn't see Seb was shaking like a leaf. He sighed out a breath.

“Seb are you okay?”

Sebastian barely raised his eyes from the dogs. He gave a slight nod. He didn't want to talk.

Christian didn't want to make things worse, but this wasn't right.

“You're shaking.”

Seb barely felt it. He looked at his hand and tried to make it still. Failing, he simply went back to stroking the dogs, the repetition comforting him. Sebastian looked at them, thinking how good they were being. He'd have to tell Mark how they'd been such a help to him. If they hadn't been there all this could have been so much worse. He didn't want to think how much worse.

“Seb?”

“I'm fine.”

Christian sighed. Seb plainly wasn't fine. Damn Heikki. Damn him. He should have known what he was up to. He should have come here the moment suspicions were raised. The devious little bastard sneaking in while he knew Mark was away. Christian hoped the police had scared the life out of him.

“Sebi I think I should call Doc Phillips.”

Sebastian jerked his head up.

“What? No. I'm just cold.”

“Seb.”

“I'm fine.”

Christian looked him in the eye and Seb turned his gaze down to the dogs again.

“I'll be okay. I'm just... It'll pass. It's just a reaction.”

Christian wanted to say that was precisely his point, but he didn't want to make things worse for Seb.

“Okay. Look why don't I make us some tea?”

Sebastian looked back up and nodded. Christian got up, but as he crossed the room Seb dared adding.

“Christian, could you... would you mind putting sugar in it? That's what Mark does, when something's happened.”

Christian nodded. As he went to find the things to make tea in the kitchen he reflected that 'something happening' was all too frequent an occurrence for Sebastian. It struck him as horribly sad that they had to have a routine way to deal with it. He made the tea and took the two mugs back, handing one to Sebastian and deciding there was nothing to be gained from pointing out how Seb's hand trembled as he took hold of it. He saw the way Seb cradled the hot mug in both hands and wanted to tell him to take care not to burn his hands. Here they were again; Seb wrapped up in what was patently one of Mark's hoodies, sat on the sofa looking vulnerable. Only now Mark wasn't here beside Seb when he needed him.

Damn Heikki.

 

Sebastian sipped his tea. He didn't care how hot the mug was. The sweet tea did make him feel marginally better but with every sip he wished Mark had been the one to make it. He glanced at his phone, set on the coffee table in front of him and noticed how Christian was fiddling with his own phone. Seb guessed he was trying to do some work remotely, checking emails and messages. He should tell Christian he could go back to work.

Seb sipped his hot sweet tea and said nothing.

 

  


  


  


  


Mark laughed with Jenson about something that had been lost in translation as they spoke to the German journalists. Mark had been trying out his language skills on them and it had been going fairly well until something had got tangled and his PR person had to straighten out what he really meant.

“Better stick to English in future mate,” smiled Jenson, giving him a pat on the arm.

Mark laughed and nodded back. So much for impressing people. Seb would no doubt think what he had done was hilarious when he told him. Seb was so good with his languages. He really put Mark to shame.

The rest of the drivers around them were relaxing and getting themselves coffee now that the day was done. All were in a good mood that continued from their success and the day of celebration shared with the whole Porsche team here. The afternoon with the media had been less enjoyable than congratulating all the workers this morning and indeed completing the signing of new contracts, but as tasks went, there were worse ones.

 

“So what you up to over the break?” asked Jenson. “Anything exciting or are you and Seb locking the door and throwing away the key for a while.”

Mark flicked a teasing eyebrow at his friend, then shook his head.

“Getting the extension done mostly I reckon.”

“Well that's rather less exciting, but still good I guess.”

“What about you?”

Jenson shrugged.

“Ah you know, family, travel a bit maybe.”

“Mm,” nodded Mark. “We'll be at Seb's parents for Christmas again this year.”

Jenson nodded. One day he was going to find out the truth about when their relationship had really begun. Mark was still remarkably closed-lipped about it. He wondered why, but Jessica always told him to keep his nose out. Maybe she was right. A more complicated story than most he supposed.

 

Mark pulled out his phone, thinking that he could at least give Seb a quick ring now to tell him they were done for the day. He switched it back on and frowned as he saw he had missed calls from Seb and voice-mails waiting. Mark excused himself and walked away from the rest to pick up the messages, presuming that they were just Seb wanting to knew how he was getting on and checking what time he would be back. It was unusual though. They normally just texted about that sort of thing if they knew the other was busy.

He pressed the requisite buttons to listen to the recorded calls.

“Mark it's me, I...” there was a pause. “Please can you call me?”

Mark's face dropped. That wasn't right. Seb sounded upset. He pressed to hear the next message, worry seizing at him.

“Mark please call me. Please Liebling.”

Mark recognised the familiar voice, but Seb sounded awful, far worse in the second call; horribly anxious and upset. His voice had been so low and quiet it froze Mark's heart as he realised Sebastian had been in trouble. Something had happened, something bad and Seb hadn't been able to get hold of him because his phone was off. He shouldn't have switched it off. He should have just left it on silent. Damnit.

He felt sick and quickly pressed to return the call, walking outside into the corridor as it rang. Mark was praying that Seb was okay. He tried not to panic about what it was that had distressed him so much. Seb had sounded desperate and now Mark felt the same.

 

Back home in England Sebastian's phone rang and he leant over the dogs to snatch it up to answer, seeing Mark's number on the screen.

“Mark.”

Sebastian tried to sound steady, but he couldn't help sounding upset even though he was grateful to finally get to speak to him. Christian felt as if he was intruding so he silently got up and exited the room, leaving Seb to it.

Mark stood in the empty corridor.

“Seb? Sweetheart what's happened? Are you okay?”

Sebastian bit his lip, desperately trying not to cry.

“Seb?”

“I'm okay. I'm really okay.”

“What's happened? I picked up your voice-mails. I'm so sorry darling my phone was off.”

“I know. It's okay, I know you couldn't answer.”

“I only just switched my phone on.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sounded breathy and Mark knew he was upset again.

“What's happened? Are you really alright?”

Seb nodded and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve.

“Seb what is it?” pressed Mark.

He could tell things weren't right.

“Please sweetheart I'm worried.”

Sebastian swallowed, hating that he was worrying Mark. He could feel himself shaking even more, but he had to tell him.

“Mark...” he swallowed again, then started taking sharper breaths.

Mark ran his hand through his hair. This was killing him.

“Sweetheart please. What is it?”

“Heikki.”

Mark eyes went wide.

“What? What's he done?”

It took a couple of attempts, but Sebastian finally got the words out.

“He... he came here.”

“What? Oh Christ!”

Mark began walking up and down the corridor distractedly, hardly realising he was doing it.

“Oh my god Seb. Are you okay? What happened? What did he do? He came to the house?” Mark asked in anxious succession.

 

Sebastian rubbed at his face, trying to calm himself. It was hard when he felt so overwhelmed at hearing Mark's voice at last.

“I'm okay, I'm really okay. I called the police.”

Mark dropped his back against the wall.

“Oh thank Christ. And they came?”

“Yeah they took him away.”

“They arrested him?”

“Um, no, they... I didn't want to press charges. Christian spoke to them and they just... Well they warned him off and took him to the airport to make him leave.”

Mark let out a shaky breath and looked up at the ceiling.

“Christian was there?”

“Yeah. They saw him on CCTV at the factory. He rang me up and then he came over, but...”

“Seb?”

“Heikki was here already.”

Mark felt sick.

“Oh god.”

Sebastian took in a supposedly settling breath, but it sounded very shaky to Mark.

“I'm okay really,” Seb insisted.

Mark closed his eyes. Of course Seb wasn't okay.

“What did he do?”

“He just... I think he was watching to make sure I was on my own.”

Mark squeezed his eyes tighter shut. His insides were churning.

“He knew you were away,” reported Seb.

Mark felt horrendous.

“Oh god.”

“He didn't... he didn't really do anything. He just... It was like last time. He was just trying to scare me.”

Sebastian didn't want to say how well Heikki had succeeded in his task.

“Oh hell Seb. I can't believe it. I'm so sorry darling. Are you really alright?”

“Yeah I'm okay I think. I just... I'm okay.”

 

Mark took another deep breath. At least Seb had called the police. At least Christian had gone round. Heikki was gone. Seb was okay. Upset of course, but okay.

“I told him he had to go but he wouldn't listen,” continued Sebastian.

“What?”

Mark was suddenly horrified again.

“I rang the police but I just wanted him to go. So I went down and told him.”

Mark's mouth hung open.

“Holy Christ Seb.”

“I just wanted him to go Liebling. Why wouldn't he just go? I told him I'd rung the police but he wouldn't listen.”

“Oh my god Seb. You went down to talk to him?”

“I had the dogs.”

 

Mark head dropped down. He was stunned. That Seb should confront Heikki was both impressive and utterly terrifying when Mark knew what Heikki was capable of.

“Mark?”

“Yeah.”

Mark took a deep breath as he lifted his head.

“He didn't do anything?” Mark pressed.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Just said some nasty stuff, but... I said some things back.”

“Did you?”

“Um, yeah.”

Mark huffed the driest of laughs.

“Bloody hell Seb.”

“I just wanted him to leave, but I... I was so scared really, but I couldn't let him see.”

Mark nodded and puffed a breath.

“Okay.”

“And then the police came and Christian arrived.”

“Right.”

Mark took another deep breath.

“Okay. Well you were really brave darling. You're sure you're okay?” he checked.

“Yeah, sort of. I mean I am. I just... I'm okay,” Seb stumbled, struggling to form sentences when he was so upset.

Seb closed his eyes, trying to imagine Mark was close to him.

“I'm okay really,” repeated Sebastian. “I could just do with a hug.”

He hadn't meant to let that out, but Seb couldn't help it.

 

Mark wanted to cry at that. He should be home. He should have been there the whole time. Seb shouldn't have had to face this alone.

“Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I can't believe this could happen.”

“I'm okay. I'll be okay.”

“Yeah. Close your eyes darling. I'm giving you the biggest hug okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian squeezed his eyes tight and imagined that hug. He took in a deep breath and felt more settled.

“I'll be home as soon as I can, alright?”

“Yeah okay. Christian's still here.”

“Is he? Good. Can I talk to him?”

“Um, sure.”

 

Seb reopened his eyes and looked around. He gently pushed the dogs off him and used the sofa to lever himself up, crossing the lounge on legs that didn't seem to be working properly. He stopped in the doorway and held onto the frame for a moment to steady himself before looking for Christian in the kitchen. Seb offered out the phone.

“Mark wants a word.”

Christian took the phone, already feeling guilty.

“Mark, I'm so sorry.”

“Is he alright?”

Christian glanced at Sebastian who had taken a seat at the kitchen table, the dogs still glued to him. He got up and walked into the hallway so Seb couldn't hear.

“Um, yeah, he's okay really. Nothing happened other than Heikki trying to scare him thank god just... I think he's slightly in shock.”

Mark sighed. He knew it already from Seb's voice.

“Yeah mate, can you stay with him till I get home?”

“Oh course Mark. I'm not going anywhere.”

“I can't believe this could happen.”

“No, well.” Christian sighed in turn. “I'll talk to you when you get here. Seb's alright really, just a bit shaken up.”

Mark puffed another breath.

“Okay. Can you put me back on with him?”

“Of course.”

Christian went back through to hand the phone back to Sebastian to let them say their goodbyes.

 

“I'll be home as soon as I can, okay sweetheart?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah okay. Do you know how long?”

Mark looked at his watch.

“Um, I don't know. As soon as I can, alright. I'll let you know from the airport if I can, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You'll be alright?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Christian's going to stay with you. I'll be home soon darling. I love you. I love you so much.”

“Love you too Liebling. I'll be okay.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark hung up and tipped his head back again to let out a shaky breath. How could this happen? Heikki just bloody turning up at the house and him not there. He'd known Mark wasn't there. He done it on purpose. The bastard. The absolute bastard. And Seb had spoken to him. Mark hardly knew how Seb had done that. He must have been so damn scared. He should have been there. _He should have been there._

“Mate, are you alright?”

Mark turned his head to look at Jenson stood in the doorway. He puffed out a breath and shook his head. Jenson walked over. He'd seen Mark go to use his phone and moments later the expression on his face change in an instant. Jenson had followed him when he saw Mark leave the room, but left him to it while he was talking. Now he returned Jenson knew he'd been right to guess that something was very wrong. Mark looked white as a sheet.

“Mark what's happened. Was that Seb?”

Mark sighed and nodded.

“I have to get home right away.”

“Mark?”

“I have to get home. I should be home.”

Mark was already walking back towards the room, thinking where he'd left his bag and coat, how quickly he could get to the airport, if he could remember when there were flights and whether he could get on the first one available. He needed to be home. Now.

Jenson stood in front of him, his hand on Mark's arm.

“Mark _what's_ happened? Is Seb okay?”

Mark closed his eyes for a moment, trying to compose himself. He looked at his friend, his voice as heavy as his heart.

“Heikki showed up at the house.”

Jenson's mouth opened. He knew he didn't have the full story on Heikki, but he was fairly sure the stalking was only the surface.

“Jesus. Is Seb okay?”

“Kindof. I mean yes really. Nothing terrible happened but he had to call the police and... it's bad enough.”

“Of course.”

“I need to get home to him.”

“Yeah.”

“I have to get to the airport, get on the first flight. I need to get home.”

“Okay. Alright mate we'll sort it. Do you want me to come with you?”

“Hm?

Jenson looked more closely at him. He wasn't sure Mark was in a state to look after himself.

“I can come with you,” he offered again.

“No it's okay. I just need to get home.”

“Yeah alright. Seb's okay though yeah? You spoke to him?”

Mark nodded. His brain seemed to be stuck. All he wanted to say over and over was; _'I need to get home. I need to get home._ '

 

“Yeah. He's pretty upset. I just need to be with him.”

Jenson nodded.

“Alright. We're done here. I'm gonna get you to the airport, okay mate? Make sure you're all set.”

Mark just nodded and let himself be taken back through to make his excuses and leave. He wanted to tell Jenson that he didn't need looking after, he just needed to get home, but Mark didn't feel alright, his mind was preoccupied and he had to admit that he was grateful to his friend for helping. Jenson offered again to fly back with him, but Mark turned him down. Once he was on his way he was sure he'd be okay. It was a short flight and from Heathrow all he needed to do was jump in a taxi.

At the airport Jenson used his charm to help arrange getting Mark slotted in on a flight that was leaving shortly and Mark was grateful he had been there to help when his mind was swirling with worry. He thanked him and accepted a hug. Mark hoped he didn't need to say this, but felt he had to.

"Jense, all this. You won't mention it to anyone will you? Seb would hate it if..."

"Of course I won't," interrupted Jenson.

"Thanks. Sorry, just..."

"It's fine Mark. Don't worry about that."

Jenson knew Mark was already filled with enough worries. He gave him a reassuring pat on the arm.

“Okay well have a safe flight and if you get chance drop me a text, let me know you guys are alright, yeah?” requested Jenson.

Mark nodded, hitching his flight bag onto his shoulder.

“He'll be fine Mark okay? I know it's awful, but Seb's tough as nails isn't he?”

“Yeah.” Mark puffed. “He's only just got better. I just... I can't stand to think what could have happened.”

“Yeah but it hasn't okay mate. You spoke to him didn't you? Seb's alright. You just need to get home and see that.”

Mark nodded.

“Give him a hug from me. He'll be fine once you're home and so will you mate.”

“Thanks.”

Jenson watched Mark walk away towards his flight, his phone already to his ear. Jenson didn't need telling to know who he was talking to.

 

 

  


  


Sebastian was sat on the sofa with the dogs, Christian back in the side chair looking over things on his phone and thinking he was going to have to call into work first thing in the morning to really catch up. He glanced over at Sebastian and knew that they really ought to talk about the fact that Sebastian was due to fly out to Abu Dhabi and frankly Christian thought he was in no shape right now. It could wait until Mark was back.

They'd hardly spoken at all over the past few hours. Christian had tried suggesting Seb eat something but all he'd got in reply was a shake of his head. He still didn't think Seb looked too good. The silence and the way he hung onto the dogs spoke volumes but at least Sebastian wasn't shaking like he had been before. It was getting on for six now. This afternoon felt like one of the longest of his life and bearing in mind how many hours Christian had spent in airports that was saying something.

 

There was a noise outside and Sebastian jumped nervously, looking in the direction of the drive despite the fact it was now hidden behind closed curtains. The dogs leapt up and started barking, and for a moment Seb was filled with anxiety again, but as he looked back to the animals he read their mood and pushed himself up off the sofa, following them as the dogs ran excitedly into the hall. The door opened and Mark appeared there, pausing only to sling down his bag before pushing past the dogs to wrap his arms around Sebastian. He closed his eyes and held him tighter than he ever had before. Seb buried his face in Mark's shoulder and hung on around Mark's middle, no energy to lift his arms any higher. Mark rested his cheek into Seb's hair, just breathing him in, desperate to feel that Sebastian was safe in his arms.

Christian had followed just to check that it really was Mark back. Now he saw the scene in front of him he turned on his heel and removed himself, knowing that he was neither wanted nor needed. He headed into the kitchen and put the kettle on. He suspected Mark needed a cup of tea as well. Probably time for more sugar.

Mark and Sebastian didn't notice him. They barely even noticed the dogs pressing into their legs. They had no room for anything but the feeling of holding onto one another. Mark was home. Seb was safe. Nothing else mattered.

  


  


* * *

 

 

 


	107. Saline Solution - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So how do they move on from here?

* * *

 

 

  
  


It felt like a very long time before they spoke. They simply hung on to one another, bodies pressed in tight. Mark could feel Seb's heart beating fast beneath his chest and knew his own nearly matched it. Eventually he loosened his grip to examine Sebastian, putting his hands to cup either side of Sebastian's face, looking into his eyes checking to see he was okay. Seb gave him a little nod and attempted a smile.

“I'm alright,” he insisted.

Mark nodded back and leaned in to kiss him, then wrapped his arms around Seb once more, whispering in his ear.

“If anything had happened. If he'd done anything. If he'd hurt you, if he'd hurt you...”

Mark trailed off, feeling choked. On the flight back it had all he had been able to think about: what could have happened.

Seb tried to push up on his toes so he could rub his cheek into Mark's, but he didn't seem to have the strength in his legs to do it.

“I'm okay Liebling. I'm really okay. I'm just glad you're back. I'm so glad you're home.”

Mark nodded to him and saw how close to tears Seb looked now. He reached up a hand and stroked his cheek.

“It's alright darling I'm home now. I'm home.”

Sebastian nodded back and a tear leaked out. Mark wiped it gently away, but his own crept out instead.

“I can't stand that I wasn't here.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Mark, it's not your fault. That's why he did it. He knew you were away.”

Mark took a shaky breath and let Seb dry under his eyes with the corner of his sleeve, giving him a tiny smile as he did so.

“Thank you.”

“It's not your fault Liebling, okay? He was sneaking around at the factory, seeing if I was around. I think he followed me home.”

Mark closed his eyes for a moment, feeling sick at the idea.

“Christian rang and he was coming over, but I thought I heard something, so I rang the police.”

“Good. Thank god you did. Really darling, I'm so proud of you.”

Sebastian gave him a little smile. Only they knew how much it had taken for Seb to do that.

“And I... I rang you. I'm sorry Liebling. I know your phone was off.”

Mark shook his head.

“Oh god, no don't apologise. I feel awful.”

“It's not your fault Mark. It's okay.”

It hadn't been at the time, but Seb couldn't blame Mark.

 

“I made sure the place was all locked up, and I went and locked myself upstairs but then I heard something and I saw him outside,” Seb explained. “So I went back down.”

Mark nodded. He knew how frightened Seb must have been and he hated it.

“Why did you go down?”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder.

“I wanted to make him go away.”

“Bloody hell Seb.”

Mark took an uneven breath and shook his head.

“He kept banging on the door and I was so scared Liebling.”

“But you went and spoke to him?”

Seb nodded.

“I had these guys with me the whole time. They've taken care of me.”

 

He stroked Simba's head where he pressed into Sebastian's side and Mark looked down at the two dogs giving Shadow a rub as well.

“Good boys. Such good boys.”

Mark looked back up at Seb.

“I still can't believe you spoke to him.”

“I told him the police were coming.”

“Right.”

“He said I was lying.”

“Yeah well he's stupid as well as a bastard isn't he?”

Seb gave a tiny nod.

“Jesus you're so bloody brave Seb. I can't believe you did that. I mean I can, because you always do unbelievable things, but...”

He shook his head again before continuing.

“What did he say?”

Sebastian sighed.

“Horrible stuff. I don't really want to say now. Can we talk about it tomorrow Liebling?”

“Of course we can. Of course. You stood up to him and you called the police. That's all that matters darling. That and you're safe. That's the only thing I really care about.”

Sebastian gave him another smile and Mark raised a hand to stroke over his hair before kissing Seb once more and pulling him back in for another hug. Mark didn't think he ever wanted to let him go again.

 

Mark leant his forehead down into Seb's and closed his eyes for a while, taking comfort in it as Seb did in turn. Seb was sure he felt so much better now to feel himself encircled in the protection of Mark's strong arms, to feel himself held tight against his reassuringly solid body. It was okay now, he was sure he was really okay now Mark was home.

“I'm sorry I frightened you,” apologised Sebastian.

Mark lifted his head to look at him.

“No darling, you don't need to say that. I'm only sorry I couldn't pick up your calls.”

“I knew your phone was off, but I just...”

Seb trailed off and Mark nodded, understanding that Seb had needed to try anyway.

“It's over now okay,” soothed Mark, “it's over and he's gone and you're safe.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and nodded.

“Come on. Why don't we go sit down?” Mark suggested.

 

He kept an arm around Seb as the pair walked through into the lounge to sit on the sofa, somehow managing not to trip up over the dogs who didn't seem to want to part from them any further than Mark and Seb did each other.

They settled down together. Seb pressed in, held under Mark's arm as he rested his head on Mark's shoulder. Sebastian turned in further to put his arm around Mark's middle and closed his eyes. Mark rubbed over Seb's back soothing him and Mark himself as he repeated.

“It's alright. I'm home now darling. I'm home. It's all okay.”

“I'm okay,” Sebastian mumbled into Mark.

“Yeah. Thank god. Thank god.”

Sebastian breathed Mark in, thinking that now he had this the trembling inside him might finally go away. Mark left it a few minutes before speaking again.

 

“How're you feeling sweetheart? Do you need anything?”

Sebastian sat up a bit to look at him.

“I'm okay. I just need you.”

Mark gave him a soft smile and stroked his arm.

“That's all I need too.”

He gave Sebastian a kiss and let him settle back in, lying into Mark's shoulder a little less tightly. It was a while before there was a tap on the door and Christian awkwardly stuck his head in.

 

“I, umm... Mark, good to see you back.”

Sebastian sat up a little and both of them realised that they had totally forgotten Christian was even here. Seeing as he guessed he wasn't interrupting too much, Christian came through and they saw that he was carrying two mugs of tea which he deposited on the coffee table in front of the pair.

“Thanks,” nodded Mark.

Christian nodded back. He thought perhaps he ought to make himself scarce now Mark was home, but there were a few things that they needed to discuss. He paused for a moment, then took a seat again.

Mark passed Sebastian his tea and picked up his own, noting the sugar stirred in, but choosing not to comment on it. He looked back over to Christian.

“Really mate. Thank you for this.”

They all knew that Mark wasn't referring to the tea.

Christian shook his head.

“Of course. I'm only sorry I didn't get here sooner. I don't know if Seb said, but the CCTV, I mean it really wasn't at all clear and...” he sighed and trailed off.

 

He should have known it was Heikki from the off, and then the damn legal department had seemed to take forever to dig out Heikki's file, delaying him even further. Then again it had been useful to have it so they could convince the police that Heikki really was a threat that they needed to take seriously. In a way it was a shame that Sebastian refused to take further legal action against Heikki. He deserved to face consequences for his actions, but Christian understood why that felt impossible. There was too much at risk of coming out and he knew that the team would hate the publicity almost as much. No doubt Heikki would use the opportunity to take his revenge on Sebastian by exposing him to as much misery as possible in those circumstances. No, that would never work.

 

Mark knew he could be annoyed with Christian for not moving faster to help Sebastian, but he had no spare emotion to be concerned with that.

“It doesn't matter,” offered Seb quietly.

He didn't care now. All Seb cared about was that it was over.

Christian looked over to see how closely wrapped up the pair were. It was what Sebastian and no doubt Mark needed. Unfortunately that raised the issue he had to bring up now.

He sighed out a long breath.

“Look, I really hate to have to mention this, but... Seb, you're due to fly out to Abu Dhabi tomorrow.”

Mark shot Christian a look, unhappy that he was even mentioning it.

“I'm sorry. I know it's all you need.”

Sebastian closed his eyes, letting his head fall a little closer to Mark's shoulder again. He didn't feel ready to even think about that. He was so tired. Now Mark was home all he wanted to do was stay wrapped up by him to feel safe.

 

Christian wanted to sigh at what a nightmare this was. One race, just one more bloody race to get through and this season that had tried them all to their limits would be over, but this had to damn well happen _now_ didn't it? He knew his concern ought to be about prioritising the team, but Sebastian was his driver, his responsibility, and a human being. He'd been through too much. The last thing Christian wanted was to pressurise Seb into doing his duty by the team and potentially pushing him too far when he had only just come back from being so ill.

He appraised the pair in front of him and thought that perhaps he should take the decision for them.

“Look Seb, maybe we should just say you're not well.”

Sebastian frowned at him, then he realised what Christian meant: The paddock would doubtless readily accept that he might have suffered another relapse, even if the team played it down as only a minor issue they were being super-cautious about. He suspected that whether or not they suggested it was some other form of illness, people would assume that it was related to his accident anyway. He'd only just damn well come back. He'd fought so hard to get there.

“I can't do that.”

Mark sighed and turned in to him.

“Maybe it would be best?”

Mark didn't want to tell Seb not to race, but if he knew how hard these things hit him. Seb felt delicate in his arms again; vulnerable and in need of protection. How was he meant to let him go when he knew what Seb would have to deal with at a race on his own? Even in normal circumstances it was tough enough, but after this had just happened?

Sebastian just gave Mark a tiny shake of his head, speaking to him although he knew it was for Christian too.

“I have to go.”

“You don't darling. Not if you aren't up to it.”

“I have to.” Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes, knowing that he was only trying to protect him. “I have to race. If I don't, that would be letting him win.”

Mark didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He raised his hand to Seb's cheek again, placing it there while he looked at him.

“You're such a stubborn little sod.”

Sebastian gave Mark a tiny smile at the affectionate way he said that.

“I'll be okay. Once I've had a rest I'll be alright.”

Mark sighed heavily. He knew Seb was a master at picking himself up and carrying on when that seemed impossible, but surely this was too much, too soon? If only he could go with him then maybe it wouldn't be so bad. The thought of being parted from Seb at all was too much right now and the idea that anything further might happen to him when he was away at the race on his own was unbearable.

“It's just so soon sweetheart: Tomorrow.”

Sebastian sighed too at that. He was thinking of the weekend, but his flight out was tomorrow. That did feel too soon.

 

Christian was thinking things through. He had two options: either Seb wasn't up to it and they subbed him out for this race, or they found a way to minimise the strain on him going.

“It's your choice okay. If it's best you skip this one, you don't need to feel bad about it.”

Sebastian turned to look at his boss. There was a part of him that would far prefer to stay home like this with Mark, but that would feel like accepting defeat.

“I can't let him win. I can't.” Sebastian glanced back at Mark. “That's what he'd like.”

Mark couldn't argue with that. He knew Heikki would take pleasure in learning he'd had such an affect on Sebastian that he felt incapable of racing after their encounter. Mark didn't want Heikki to gain that victory. The idea of Heikki sitting at home, enjoying the feeling he had hurt Seb, made Mark want to reach out across the miles and throttle him, but Seb's well-being came before that.

“I'll be okay,” Sebastian repeated quietly for Mark.

Christian rubbed his face. Mark was right; Sebastian was stubborn, but it was also one of his best qualities.

Mark gave Seb a little squeeze and looked over at his boss.

“Is there any way of at least delaying when he has to go out?”

“Maybe. I'm not sure. You're due to go tomorrow night aren't you?”

Christian was booked on an earlier flight tomorrow afternoon. It wasn't the longest journey to Abu Dhabi, but the time-difference extended it.

Seb nodded. He was due to arrive on the Wednesday morning, but that there wasn't anything officially part of the weekend until the following day.

“Okay.” Christian was pulling his phone out and checking the time. “I'm just going to give logistics a buzz and see what might be do-able. Hang on a sec.”

The logistics department always worked late just ahead of a race. Christian was banking on their skills at pulling things out of the bag at the last minute. He went through to the kitchen and sat on the phone with the head of department, only giving his requirements, not the reasons why, then waited while they called him back. He returned ten minutes later to the lounge to find Seb and Mark hadn't moved an inch.

 

He sat back down and the two looked at him. While left alone they'd gone over it all again, but it seemed they were trapped in a loop; Seb didn't really want to go off to race, but he felt he had to. Mark definitely didn't want to let him go, but knew it wasn't his choice and he had to admire Seb's determination.

“Right,” began Christian. “Well, good news I think. They can put you on a flight on Wednesday night to get you in early Thursday. It wouldn't give you a whole lot of time to sort yourself out at the hotel if you're to get to the paddock for the afternoon though.”

“That's okay,” agreed Seb, feeling only relief at the idea he could gain a day's grace at home with Mark.

Mark himself still wanted to protest that was too soon, but he knew that there was preparation work that was essential for Seb to do before driving on Friday. An extra day was better than nothing. At least they'd have forty-eight hours at home to hopefully give them time to help Seb get himself in reasonable shape to cope.

 

Christian could see that Mark didn't look too thrilled and Sebastian still didn't seem great, but it seemed all they could do was find a way through this.

“I'll speak to Britta and we'll do our best to limit your media this weekend, okay?”

“Yeah, thanks Christian.”

Christian gave Sebastian a smile and thought of something else.

“Are you alright with me speaking with her, letting her know what's happened?”

Sebastian nodded. Britta was okay. She knew enough anyway and he needed her on his side if he was going to do this.

“Good, and...” Christian paused, “I know you're not going to like this Seb, but I think I need to have a word with Doc Phillips too. Just to keep an eye.”

Sebastian wanted to protest and say he wasn't in need of doctor, but he didn't really feel great and he understood that Christian had to be certain he was doing okay to be sure he was safe to be in the car.

“No one else though?” Seb checked, trying not to sound too anxious about it.

“No one else,” agreed Christian.

 

Maybe they could talk to legal about sending another warning letter to Heikki, but Christian suspected that would have less impact than the warning the police gave him in person. He had no intention of making things any worse for Seb by letting him worry about anything like that. Christian still wasn't entirely convinced that two days was sufficient for Sebastian to forget all about this upset, but perhaps getting on with it was the best thing for him to take his mind off what had happened. He'd talk to Britta and Dr. Phillips and between them they'd keep a watch over him. Sebastian always seemed to manage somehow. God only knew how, but he did.

 

With that agreed, Christian told them that the team would be in touch with the confirmed travel arrangements and in the meantime not to worry about anything to do with the weekend.

“Just this last race then and then we'll be into the break,” noted Christian, sounding as if he was looking forward to it just as much as they were.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb, thinking how he was going to keep that goal in sight all the way through to get him to the other side.

“Okay then.”

Christian got up.

“If you want to call me, do. I'll be flying out tomorrow afternoon, but any time apart from then.”

Seb nodded and Christian nodded back. He wasn't sure whether to add this, but he thought he should.

“And if you change your mind, you can Seb, okay? Just talk to me and we'll sort it out.”

“I'll be alright by the weekend. I just need a bit of time. I'll be fine.”

Sebastian tried to make sure he sounded solid. At least half of it was not for his boss but Mark who nodded resignedly and got up to show Christian out.

 

As Mark opened the front door he thought how hours earlier Sebastian had stood here alone facing his worst fear. If he could do that, then surely he could get through a race weekend?

Christian turned back to him.

“Mark I'm still...” he sighed, “I'm sorry about what happened. I feel terrible that we didn't react faster, but on the CCTV you really couldn't tell.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's alright mate. You did your best. You came here. It's not your fault. It's that bastard's fault for coming. No one else's.”

Christian gave a tip of his head to the side.

“Mm. Well I just hope the police did enough to see him off for good this time. They said they'd give him a pretty hefty warning off.”

“Hm.”

“At least they dumped him straight at the airport. With any luck that's the last we'll see of him.”

“Yeah I hope so too.”

A thought suddenly occurred to Christian.

“I suppose it's a good job he'd have gone long before you got there.”

“Hm?”

“The airport. I don't like to think how that would have gone if you'd crossed paths.”

Mark puffed out a breath. He hadn't thought about that either.

“No. I'd have killed him on sight.”

Christian looked back at him. There wasn't a trace of anything but complete seriousness in Mark's voice. He hoped to god that Heikki really never did make the mistake of coming back.

 

“If he'd laid one hand on him...”

Mark closed his eyes and shook his head. It didn't bear thinking about.

“He didn't though Mark, alright. So if Seb says he's okay, he'll be okay.”

“Yeah.”

Mark didn't sound convinced.

“You think he won't be?” pressed Christian, thinking if Mark was of that opinion, then they were in trouble.

“No I...” Mark sighed. “I just wish he didn't have to, that's all.”

“Yeah.”

“He'll be alright,” confirmed Mark, knowing he'd just have to do everything he could to make sure of it.

He gave Christian a steady look.

“You know I'm not sure whether Seb facing him might do more to show Heikki he can't try it on again more than anything else.”

“Mm, well with any luck he'll stay under his rock now,” agreed Christian.

“Yeah. You'll keep a watch on him for me won't you? Seb I mean. Make sure he's really okay?”

“Of course we will.”

“I wish I could come,” Mark admitted, feeling it a thousand times more than he had before.

Christian put a hand on his arm.

“I know Mark. I wish you could too.”

Mark gave him a nod and offered out his hand which Christian shook before leaving.

 

Mark shut the door and locked it, turning to go back to Sebastian in the lounge. He sat back down with him, shooing the dogs off who had stolen his place.

Seb looked at Mark.

“What were you talking about?”

“Hm?”

“You and Christian,” clarified Sebastian, thinking they'd been a while at the door.

“Oh, nothing sweetheart. He was just saying sorry for the delay in him getting here.”

“And?” Seb raised an eyebrow knowing that wasn't all, “and you were asking him to keep an eye on me.”

Mark wondered whether Sebastian might have been able to hear them from here, but then he smiled as he realised it was just that Seb knew him too well. He put his arm around him and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah a little bit. Sorry sweetheart, I can't help it.”

Sebastian didn't say anything, he simply slid his arms around Mark's middle and pressed into him again. His rock. His safe place. This was what he had needed.

 

Mark closed his eyes and rested his cheek down into Seb's. He always felt so soft, so gentle in his arms. If Heikki had done anything to him, anything at all, Mark couldn't have lived with the fact that he wasn't there to prevent it.

“It's okay,” whispered Seb, “I'll be okay.”

Mark lifted away and gave him a nod.

Sebastian decided not to say anything more about Mark wanting to know he was looked after this weekend. Maybe he did need a bit of looking after? Maybe it wasn't so terrible? For now he just wanted Mark to look after him a bit.

 

 

Mark gave him a rub on the arm and wondered what was best for now. Seb really didn't look too good to him.

“Do you want something to eat?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'm not hungry.”

“It might help,” tried Mark.

Seb looked at him awkwardly and shrugged one shoulder.

“I threw up earlier. Just after... When the police were here.”

Mark wanted to sigh, but he just rubbed Seb's arm again.

“Do you still feel sick?”

“No not really. I'm just not hungry.”

“Alright then.”

No point forcing the issue. There never was. Seb knew his own body.

“At least I didn't have a panic attack.”

Mark almost laughed, but it couldn't be less funny. _Christ_ , small mercies.

“Yeah, that's good darling. Course it is. You did so good. I'm really proud of you.”

“I don't really know how I did it,” Seb confessed.

“Yeah but you _did_. That's all that matters. You don't even know how amazing you are. You're incredible.”

Mark gave him a smile and Sebastian felt warmed by it.

“I'm so lucky to have you.”

Mark shook his head and pulled a face.

“Nah, other way around darling, other way around.”

 

He gave Sebastian another kiss then stroked from his hair down to Seb's cheek, leaving his hand there as he looked at him, suddenly overwhelmed at the idea that Seb had been in such danger. Sebastian frowned at him.

“Mark?”

Mark shook his head, trying to push away all the fears and the what-ifs.

“I just can't stand thinking you could have been hurt.”

Seb leaned his cheek a little more into Mark's hand resting there, then turned his head to kiss at Mark's tattoo exposed on his wrist, remembering how the symbol had given him courage when he needed it.

“I called the police,” Seb repeated.

“I know darling. You did the right thing.”

“And I had these guys with me.”

Mark huffed a laugh and let go of Seb to ruffle the dogs in front of them.

“Yeah. You guys are getting all the treats.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You going to be spoiling them?”

“Yeah mate I am.”

 

Mark gave them another little rub then turned his attention back to Sebastian.

“Right then, what do you want to do sweetheart, hmm?”

Sebastian gave another little shrug.

“I don't know, just, can we forget about everything for tonight?”

“Course. We won't worry about anything. Nothing to worry about. What would make you feel better? We can do whatever you'd like.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath, thinking about that. In all honesty as long as he had Mark and he didn't have to think about earlier today, then what they actually did hardly mattered.

“Could we just have a bath and an early night? I'm really tired Liebling.”

“Of course we can.”

“I don't know why.”

“Hm?”

“Why I get so tired.”

“Oh.” Mark gave Seb's arm stroke. “It's the strain darling, it's alright. It's natural.”

“I asked Christian to put sugar in my tea.”

Mark nodded.

“Good. Alright, well let's run a bath and if you feel hungry later just say.”

Seb gave him a nod and they went up, pausing only to give the dogs some food and water with a few treats thrown in to say thank you.

  
  


 

Once the bath was full Sebastian sank into the water, settling back when Mark climbed in with him feeling truly warm for the first time. Sebastian swivelled slightly onto his side so he could rest against Mark, putting his arm across him and leaning the side of his head against Mark's chest. He closed his eyes, safe in the knowledge that Mark was hanging onto him and wouldn't let him slip below the water. Within a few minutes Seb was fast asleep.

Mark kissed the top of Sebastian's head and tried not to think of anything. If he thought about what might have happened, Mark was sure he would cry.

 

Mark left it until the water began to cool before waking Seb and helping him out so they could dry themselves off and get ready for bed. He asked Seb again if he was hungry, but only got a shake of his head in reply. Mark didn't feel very hungry either. They were both still far too churned up by what had gone on. Once in bed Sebastian fell asleep again almost as soon as he'd settled down. Mark lay awake taking comfort from the feeling of Seb sleeping against him, knowing he was safe there as he held on to him.

He had no idea how long it took him to fall asleep, but Mark knew he must have dropped off as he was woken in the early hours when he felt Seb twitching against him. Mark guessed he must be having a nightmare, but Seb was obviously still unconscious and Mark wasn't sure what to do. He didn't know if it was worse to wake Sebastian or leave him to suffer in his sleep. Mark tried to angle his head to see Seb's face in the darkened room, but then all of a sudden Sebastian's arm that was resting over his chest reached to clutch at Mark and Seb mumbled something indistinct, but clearly distressed. Mark kept one armed wrapped around him and with the other he tried rubbing over Sebastian's back.

“Seb.”

Sebastian mumbled something unhappily.

“Seb sweetheart wake up. You're having a nightmare darling. Wake up.”

Sebastian twitched against him once more and then abruptly pulled away, trying to sit up. Mark loosened his hold on him, then sat up with Seb.

“Hey, you're alright, you're alright,” Mark soothed.

Sebastian was reeling. He felt dizzy and confused and could do nothing but drop into Mark, taking short breaths.

“It's alright darling. It's alright. It was just a nightmare,” repeated Mark.

 

He tried to look at him again, but it was too dark, so Mark leaned in to kiss Seb's cheek to reassure him before reaching out to switch on the bedside light. Mark peered at Sebastian as his eyes adjusted to the light; Seb's face was scrunched up tight and his eyes closed. Mark kept one arm around Sebastian and put his other hand to Seb's cheek.

“Look at me darling.”

Sebastian forced his eyes open, blinking at the brighter light before he could focus on Mark's face. He was still snatching his breath and it was worrying Mark.

“You're safe Seb. It was just a bad dream.”

Seb took several more hitched breaths, finding it harder to control himself when he was half asleep and his brain was still resonating with the nightmare he had been trapped in.

“Okay, just take a slow breath for me darling. Slow breaths remember?”

Sebastian stayed with his eyes locked on Mark's and tried to do just that. As his brain woke up more it became easier and he steadied. He leaned further into Mark and concentrated on that instead for a few moments.

“There we go, that's better,” reassured Mark.

He left it a few minutes before asking for a response again, realising that it was better that Sebastian just settled, rather than trying to speak when he was upset.

“Are you feeling better?”

Seb gave a little nod, his head resting on Mark's shoulder.

Mark reached up and stroked Sebastian's hair to sooth him.

“What was it about darling?” coaxed Mark.

Sebastian lifted up a little to look at Mark.

“He got inside. He pushed me in and shut the dogs outside and...”

Sebastian gulped and scrunched his face again, trying to shut it out.

“Oh darling, no.”

Seb tried to blink them away, but tears were spilling out. It had felt so real; the hand shoved into his chest. The thrust backwards. Falling, falling and no way of stopping him.

 

Mark closed his eyes, feeling his insides twist at the idea. He wiped away Seb's tears and hushed him gently, stroking his hands over Seb's skin.

“It's just a nightmare, okay?”

Sebastian sniffled against him, still struggling to detach himself from what his unconscious imagination had extrapolated from all the fear that had run through him before, all mixed up with very real traumatic memories. He couldn't quite turn off the tears and some part of him knew that if he tried he would only make himself worse, so Seb allowed the salt tears to fall, hoping he was releasing all the upset trapped inside him with them. Mark just hung onto Seb, perilously close to joining in his crying, but instead he concentrated on soothing Sebastian to remind him he was there and everything was really okay.

“It's alright sweetheart. It's alright.”

He felt Seb begin to level out against him.

“There now. Just slow, okay? I'm here. There's nothing to be frightened of.”

Sebastian took a few more shuddery breaths and then slowed. He breathed against Mark for a few more moments, then sat up to allow Mark to smooth away the dampness on his cheeks.

 

“It didn't happen darling. That could never have happened, okay?”

Sebastian looked up at him and Mark looked back, telling himself that he had to believe his own words. He chubbed Seb's cheek with a knuckle.

“Do you think the dogs would ever let that happen, hmm?”

Mark gave Seb a little smile, reassured by that idea himself.

“They'd chew his leg off the minute he took one step in range. He'd never get past them would he?”

Seb gave him a tiny shake of his head.

“He was frightened of them,” he added quietly.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Course he was. They'd never have let him past alright? It couldn't happen. It's just a nightmare.”

 

Sebastian took in as deep a breath as he could and let it out slowly, still feeling as if he was trembling inside.

“Okay,” he whispered.

Mark held Seb in, slowly smoothing over his skin in a soothing repetitive motion while he rested his cheek into Seb's hair. Sebastian closed his eyes and thought how Mark was right; The dogs had protected him. Heikki was afraid of them. It couldn't have happened.

Mark waited until he could feel that Seb's heart had slowed right down until he sat him up to look at him.

“Are you feeling okay now sweetheart?”

Sebastian took in another deep breath. He wanted to reassure Mark and say he was fine, but a weight had settled at the front of his skull. He couldn't lie to him.

“I've got a headache.”

Mark sighed. He stroked a hand gently over Seb's hair.

“Shall I find you some paracetamol?”

Sebastian looked down for a second, then back at Mark.

“Could you get my painkillers instead?”

Mark went to open his mouth but before he could say anything Sebastian continued.

“Just the milder ones,” he modified, knowing Mark would worry that he was asking for them.

 

Mark nodded, making no comment about him needing the drugs. He just wanted Seb to feel better. He went to find them in the bathroom cabinet, coming back through to pass them to Seb along with some water.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Sebastian swallowed the pill, washing it down with a swig of water before passing both back to Mark to put on the side.

Mark leaned in closer to check how he was doing.

“Okay?”

“I just want it to go away so I can sleep,” Seb explained.

“Yeah.”

Mark carefully pressed a kiss to Sebastian's forehead and stroked along his arm.

“Lie down with me darling. You'll feel better soon.”

“'kay.”

 

Mark switched the light out and lay them down, settling Sebastian down over his heart.

“I'm sorry Liebling,” whispered Seb.

“No no.”

“It was just a bad dream.”

“That's right my darling. Just a bad dream, okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian took in another deep breath and breathed all of Mark in with it. Just a bad dream, a bad dream. It couldn't have happened and anyway he was here with Mark now. Nowhere safer in the world. He listened to Mark's heart beating and absorbed the comfort of being so firmly held in. This was what was real, not the other. Soon the drugs kicked in, the effect of even the milder version enhanced when Seb hadn't taken them for nearly a month.

He fell back asleep. Mark lay awake.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


  
  


When they stirred the next morning Sebastian woke with a strange awareness that something wasn't right. It took a moment for the memories to kick in and he let out an unhappy sigh wondering why these things kept on happening. Mark woke up at the sensation and looked down at Seb who still lay against him.

“You okay?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out.

“Yeah.”

Mark raised an eyebrow at Seb. That 'yeah' sounded far more like a 'no' to him.

“Come here,” he coaxed, giving Seb a slight tug to encourage him to move up so they could lie facing one another.

“How's your head?”

“It's okay.”

“Good. Do you want to talk?”

Sebastian lay beside Mark now, but still in his arms.

He huffed out a breath. “Just... I don't know. I'm okay, but it feels like we're never allowed to be happy. Every time something good happens it's like there's always something horrible around the corner.”

Mark felt like sighing too. Seb's voice was so downbeat. He had a point, but Mark didn't want to believe that it was true.

“We can't think like that.”

Seb closed his eyes for a moment and gave Mark a little agreeing nod. Mark tried to think of a positive swing to turn it around. He waited until Sebastian was looking at him again before continuing.

“Look sweetheart isn't it better to think how we always get through it? No matter what, right? We always do.”

Sebastian managed a little smile.

“I guess.”

“Yeah?”

Seb took another deep breath.

“Yeah. You're right. I suppose we do. I'd just rather not have to.”

Mark huffed a sad laugh at that. He nodded at Sebastian.

“Me too darling, me too. I think we've had more than our share of crap coming our way.”

“I'm not sure these things are equally shared out,” noted Seb.

“Mm, true. Maybe it's life's way of toughening us up?”

Sebastian gave a sad tiny shake of his head.

“I'm not tough.”

Mark sighed and stroked a hand over Seb's skin.

“Yes you are darling. You are. Brave and strong and tough as nails. You just don't see it.”

Seb was looking at him with those big blue eyes so appealingly. Mark moved his hand to place it at the side of Sebastian's face to look in those eyes more closely.

“You _are_ tough.”

“I don't feel it.”

“I know, I know,” soothed Mark. “But that's sort of the point sweetheart. You do stuff all the time when I know deep down you're not sure you can. You do it when I know you're scared. You're brave my darling because you still try anyway. You're tough because you keep on doing that. And when it gets harder you don't give up, you keep going. And that...”

Mark punctuated his words with a kiss.

“...is rather different from someone we could mention; who steams in and then runs away when his stupid little brain finally clicks things aren't as easy as he'd thought they'd be.”

 

Sebastian didn't need the name to understand who Mark was referring to. He knew Mark was avoiding it because it always unsettled him to hear it. Heikki hadn't exactly run away yesterday, but he'd certainly tried to leave when the police had shown up.

“He did look...”

Seb paused and Mark nodded to encourage him to go on.

“I don't know. He did look pretty freaked out when the police arrived,” recalled Seb.

“I'll bet he did,” agreed Mark.

“He must have really thought I was lying.”

“Yeah well I refer you to my earlier statement to his stupid little brain.”

Sebastian responded with a little smile.

“I'm certain he was far more scared than you were sweetheart,” assured Mark.

 

Sebastian thought about how Heikki had looked when he was led away to sit in that police car: All the bravado gone from him, like a balloon that had burst.

“I think they gave him a pretty stern talking to,” Seb noted.

“The police?”

“Yeah. They said they'd give him a warning, but Christian had a word with them and he kindof hinted they were planning on making sure he knew it was serious. I think that would have frightened him.”

“Hm, well yeah that's good, but to be honest darling I think you will have scared him more. You did what he never believed you could: You stood up to him. You called the police. Now he knows he can't get away with anything anymore.”

Sebastian still struggled with the idea that he could frighten anyone, but maybe what he did _had_ scared Heikki? Maybe that was possible?

He was silent for a little while and Mark didn't interrupt. He just kept his hand there, resting by Seb's cheek.

“Okay,” replied Seb quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah okay Liebling.”

“Good.”

Sebastian moved in closer to rest his face against Mark, still feeling as though he needed to settle. It felt wrong to rush anything and as they lay there he wondered why that was. He did know one thing though; Seb was eternally grateful that he didn't have to dash off to the airport later. He needed time. Just with Mark. Just to feel okay. Just for it to be okay if he wasn't okay just yet.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


It was a while before they got up. Mark knew not to hurry him, to let Seb take things at his own pace. They went down to the kitchen and Mark offered to make breakfast, but Seb still didn't feel hungry.

“Just a cup of tea?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian nodded and fed the dogs while Mark boiled the kettle, enjoying the chance to make a fuss of the dogs who had served him so well. He stroked their fur and let them lick his hand.

Seb smiled at them. “Silly things. I'm not as tasty as the food.”

 

Mark walked over and leaned down to kiss the top of Sebastian's head where he crouched with the dogs.

“I beg to differ darling.”

Sebastian turned and stood up to give him a little smile in reply.

“Do you want to take them out for a walk?” offered Mark.

“Yeah a long one I think. They're owed it.”

Mark gave a nod.

“You're not still feeling too tired?”

“I'm alright. Not sure I'm quite up to a run yet, but a walk.”

“Righto,” confirmed Mark. “You need some energy though.”

Sebastian wanted to disagree, but he'd thrown up the only meal he'd eaten yesterday. He wasn't hungry, but he did feel a little hollow inside. He squished his face a bit and Mark put his hand on his arm to encourage him.

“Tell you what, I'll trade you sugar in your tea for eating a piece of toast.”

Seb almost rolled his eyes at Mark negotiating with him, but he knew Mark worried and it wasn't fair to do that to him.

“Yeah okay.”

“Good.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek before going to sort that out while Sebastian went to wash his hands. Mark deposited the meagre breakfast on the table hoping that fresh air and some gentle exercise would repair Seb's appetite. His too hopefully. The best remedies were free.

  
  


  
  


 

 

They headed out over the fields with the dogs on leads where they were near farmer's animals. The day was as dull and drear as you might expect in late November, but at least there was no rain and neither cared about the cold weather when it gave them every excuse to walk wrapped up in one another. Mark kept Seb close, wishing he could actually put his coat right around Seb as they walked. He wondered if that was a strange idea. So often he found the idea of physically letting go of Sebastian difficult and Mark wondered if that was because he worried for him or if he was overly possessive. This was far worse than normal though, and Mark knew that thinking about parting at the airport tomorrow night was as impossible for him to deal with right now as it was no doubt was for Seb. They could live with denial for a while longer.

  
  


Wanting to give the dogs a proper reward they walked them a good way further than they usually did. Mark was tempted to ask Seb if he was tired and needed to go back, but he restrained himself and told himself that he had to trust Seb. If he fussed over him too much then that would only be telling Seb that Mark thought he was incapable of looking after himself and Mark knew that wasn't true. He left it until Sebastian suggested turning and heading for the hill, agreeing and offering only an ambiguous, “okay?” to Seb. Mark gave him a squeeze when he nodded back, knowing that was enough for now.

There was comfort in not needing to talk too much. It wasn't until they had sat for a while at the top of the hill, throwing sticks for the dogs, that Seb leaned further into Mark. He lay his head against Mark's shoulder encouraging Mark to pull his arm a little tighter around Seb.

“Alright?” tried Mark.

Sebastian gazed out at the stripped-back English countryside stretching out below them. The barren and austere view seemed to oddly suit the mood.

 

He took in a deep breath and Mark was about to say that Seb didn't need to talk if he didn't want to, but then Sebastian began, telling Mark all that had happened yesterday. Everything that he could remember at any rate. It was hard to recall the exact words that had been used, but Seb was fairly sure he was close enough. Mark listened in near silence, wanting to let Sebastian get it all out, only interrupting to repeatedly assure him how he had done the right things and to praise his bravery.

“I was just pretending to be brave,” admitted Seb.

Mark shook his head. He almost wanted to laugh at the way that even after all he had done Sebastian was still struggling to see just what he had achieved. Maybe it was something that was just going to take a while to sink in.

“No sweetheart, that's actually called _being_ brave.”

Sebastian looked at him and was warmed by Mark's smile as he said that. He stared into his eyes and reached up a hand to stroke the tips of his fingers along Mark's strong jaw. They said nothing for a few moments, then Seb spoke.

“I suppose I do feel good now that I could call the police. I mean it wasn't fun when they were there, but I am glad I called them.”

“Bloody hell. So am I,” coughed Mark.

“It's sort-of a good job we'd talked about it,” noted Sebastian. “I think it did give me a bit of confidence that it was the right thing to do, but it was almost as scary as going down tell him him I'd done it.”

“Yeah well I'm just glad you did,” sighed Mark.

“She was nice,” stated Sebastian.

“Hm?”

“The woman on the phone when I rang the police. She was really kind. I wish I could thank her.”

Mark oddly felt like tearing up at that. To know that in all this Seb was thinking about who he should be grateful to, who he ought to pay back. He still sounded surprised that someone could be kind to him for no ulterior reason and it broke Mark's heart a little bit.

“I'm sure they're trained in what to say.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No, she was kind. It was in her voice. She made me feel so much better.”

“Well, good then,” agreed Mark.

“Her name was Samantha.” Seb furrowed his brow. “I wonder why I remember that when I still can't remember half the paddock press?”

Mark turned a little more into him so he could reach around to give Seb's arm a rub.

“I guess because it mattered at the time. A real person helping you, not just a voice.”

“Yeah maybe.”

“It doesn't matter darling. Just like the press don't matter.”

Seb nodded, then allowed himself to think of something he had been ignoring.

“You don't think it could come out do you?”

Mark shook his head.

“It did all those other times,” Sebastian noted.

He tried to stay calm about it, but the thought of the events of yesterday being splashed all over the front pages to amuse the masses was almost too much.

“How would they know?” asked Mark.

Seb shrugged.

“I don't know. How do they ever?”

Mark sighed, thinking Seb had a point, but not wanting Seb to be worrying about it.

“I don't know. It's direct with the police this time. They can't just release it. They'd be in huge trouble for leaking it. Besides, even if they did, all the press would have is him coming here and harassing you. It's just more of the same. I know it would be awful, but the papers wouldn't really have anything new would they?”

“Spose not.”

“So we'd handle it. It would only make him look bad yet again.”

 

Sebastian squished his face from side to side. It would be awful, but Mark was right, a repeated story surely held less interest for the papers. He thought he could cope with that even if it happened. The only thing Sebastian didn't think he could bear was a recording of his call to the police being played in public. Seb knew he must have sounded terrible in it. Then again he couldn't think of any instances of such a thing happening. Not over here at any rate. Maybe in Hollywood, but not here. Surely it couldn't happen? Sebastian pushed that fear aside.

“Okay.”

Mark nodded in reply.

“I'm sure Britta's already all over it. If anything is going to come of it she'll have her antennae out and she'll tell us,” he added.

“Yeah alright.”

“So let her worry about that and you don't need to darling.”

Sebastian wasn't entirely sure that was how it worked, but it did assuage his fears to some degree. He had to stop letting fear control him. That was only another way of letting Heikki win and Seb wasn't going to let him do that any more.

“Yeah okay. Thank you Liebling.”

 

Mark leaned his head against Sebastian's, angling it slightly so he could see him.

“Forget all that sweetheart. It'll just tangle up your head. Focus on what's important; He learned a lesson yesterday I don't think he'll forget in a hurry.”

“He can't walk all over me any more?”

Mark pulled a face.

“I wouldn't put it that way. He found out you're prepared to do whatever you need to do to stop him. You faced him and you weren't cowed by him. You shut him up.”

Mark gave Seb a little smile.

“You know I'd have liked to have seen the look on his face when you told him all that.”

“He did look pretty surprised, but... the rest.” Seb looked down. “There really is something wrong with him. To say I deserved it.”

“Don't darling,” cut in Mark, “don't even repeat those words. They're poison. Like he is; poison.”

“The way he looked at me though Liebling. I could see it; something so wrong there. In a way I do feel sorry for him.”

Mark leaned up and huffed a dry laugh.

“Don't waste your energy sweetheart.”

“No, I suppose. It made him pretty angry when I said that.”

“I'd imagine it would. It's pretty much the opposite of what he'd expect of you. Someone who feels sorry for another isn't cowed by them, which is what he wants.”

Sebastian looked at him to confess.

“I _was_ afraid though Liebling. When it pissed him off, I was sure he was going to come at me. I know I had the dogs, but I was still scared.”

“You faced him anyway though. That's what's important. That's what he'll take away from it. He won't have seen scared. He saw you standing up to him and telling him where to go.”

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“I'm still not quite sure how I did it,” he confessed.

“I've told you sweetheart; being brave is about doing what you need to do when you are scared. That's courage. Not blazing in there without a thought.”

 

Sebastian pushed himself up where he sat to give Mark a kiss on the cheek. As he settled back down he looked at Mark.

“You know Liebling back then I used to feel so helpless, so alone and I think it crippled me. I didn't have the strength to stand up to him then, but now...

“You're neither of those things,” agreed Mark softly.

“Maybe not any more. I did feel scared, but I don't think I ever felt totally alone. I mean the dogs of course, they were a huge help, but I never feel completely alone any more.”

“Good, because you're not. Neither of us are. We always have each other.”

“And I...” Seb puffed a breath. “I called for help.”

“Yes you did and you scuppered the bastard. He won't be back Seb. Not now. You have the upper hand now. He'll hate it, but you know what a coward he is. Now he knows that coming here or trying to find you won't work, he won't dare try it again.”

 

Mark took a deep breath and sighed it out, giving Sebastian's arm a rub where he held onto him.

“There's nothing wrong with being scared. I was scared darling. When I heard your calls I was so frightened.”

“I'm sorry,” apologised Seb.

“No sweetheart, that's not my point. Of course you should have called me. It's just when I heard them, I felt helpless and so far away from you. So it's not just you okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian still felt bad that he had worried Mark like that, but there was something in knowing that Mark felt fear too, if only because he could not help him.

Seb really wasn't alone anymore.

  
  


They sat for a little while longer wrapped up together in their peaceful spot taking some time to appreciate the fact that they were together until they began to feel too cold from sitting still in this weather and turned back for the house. The dogs ran up and down the path alongside them happy to have them both home, seeming to know that they were in good books with their masters. Mark wasn't using his stern voice for any of their misdemeanours and they were both giving them so many nice strokes and rub-downs, they had to have done something right.

Mark and Seb smiled at their exuberance and let them do as they pleased until they approached the lane and they re-clipped on their leads to take them home. That done they stepped through the kissing-gate leading from the path back onto the road. Mark slipped his spare hand back into Sebastian's and gave it a squeeze. He didn't know how he was meant to let go when Seb left tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another two parter (because there just aren't enough of these in this story), but the next bit is nearly good to go, so let me know and I'll get on it.
> 
> BTW The titles really only makes sense in the context of both parts of this chapter together, if you wondering that is. Or at least it make sense to me anyway...


	108. Saline Solution - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here as promised is the second part of this chapter.

* * *

 

 

  


When they arrived home they walked through the door to hear the sound of hoovering emanating from the lounge and both realised that they had totally forgotten about Pauline coming over as usual on a Tuesday morning. They bypassed the lounge and went straight into the kitchen, guessing that she wouldn't have heard them come in over the noise.

Mark puffed out a breath as they unclipped the dogs leads to allow them to run over to get a drink from their bowls in the corner. He indicated in the direction of the lounge with a tip of his head.

“What do you want to do about Pauline?” he asked.

Sebastian looked awkwardly in the same direction. Pauline knew some of his story. More than most. Now that Seb thought about it he supposed she knew more even than his family as she had been around right at the very beginning when he had first come here. Pauline had never made any comment about the state he had been in at the time, nor mentioned it since, but she wasn't blind, so she had to have added it all up to have a fair understanding of the situation. Sebastian knew he could trust her.

“I guess we should say something. I mean she's here on her own a lot. What if he ever came back and she was here?”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm sure he won't come back.”

“No but... I don't know, I think we should say something. It doesn't feel right not to.”

 

Mark nodded. He felt the same and although he was fairly sure he was right about Heikki, Pauline did deserve to be warned, just in case. Further to that it couldn't hurt for there to be an extra pair of eyes looking out for anything suspicious. Maybe they were all in danger of getting paranoid, but Pauline was part of the household, almost part of the family really. It would feel wrong to say nothing.

“Okay. Do you want to, or shall I have a word with her?” asked Mark.

Sebastian squished his face a bit, feeling awkward.

“Would you mind?”

“No problem. Why don't you make some tea for us?”

Seb nodded.

“You won't... I mean just the outline.”

“Of course sweetheart.”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You put the kettle on and I'll be back in a sec.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark merely gave a little dismissing shake of his head and went through while Seb was left to make tea and give the dogs a stroke. It wasn't that he was afraid of talking to Pauline. He knew she'd be nice about it, but somehow he just didn't want to have to do it. Seb knew that Mark would think nothing of saving him one more unpleasant task. He heard the hoover go silent and a few minutes later Mark came back through followed by their housekeeper.

 

Pauline said nothing. She merely crossed the kitchen to pull Seb into the firmest of hugs. Sebastian pressed in, closing his eyes as he suddenly felt more tearful than he had all morning. Pauline was shorter than he was, but to Seb being held in her arms felt like a safe place. There was something so comforting in the fierceness of that hug. As she let him go Sebastian pulled himself together to face her.

Pauline gave his arm a rub and looked at Sebastian to check he was alright.

“Oh you poor boy. I can't believe it. That awful, awful man, _here_.” She huffed and shook her head unhappily. “Mark says the police took him away?”

Sebastian nodded.

“And you're alright?” she asked.

“Yeah I'm okay. It was pretty horrible, but he's gone. We don't think he'll be back.”

“I should hope not. Absolutely disgraceful behaviour.”

Pauline tsked and gave Seb a firm look.

“You could have called me dear. I would have come over.”

Sebastian realised that the thought hadn't even occurred to him. It seemed wrong to think of calling up a nice middle-aged lady to come over to protect a grown man, but another person being there would have unbalanced Heikki's plans.

Mark gave Pauline a smile.

“I'm sure he would have regretted coming if he ran into you Pauline.”

Pauline looked to Mark who was now back by Seb's side.

“That he would,” she agreed firmly, “although not as much as if you'd been here.”

 

Mark just hm'd vaguely, thinking if that had been the case, he'd doubtless have spent yesterday evening digging a deep hole to bury any evidence that Heikki had ever darkened their door.

“We really don't think he'd ever come back now,” repeated Sebastian, “but we thought we ought to tell you.”

“Of course dear. Odious man. I'm just glad you're alright.”

Mark put his arm around Sebastian and gave him a squeeze.

“Seb sent him packing and the police I'm sure will have made it very clear he shouldn't come back.”

Pauline nodded. She thought Sebastian looked rather pale and wan again. The things that poor boy went through. If only she had been around she would have told that man what for. Such a horrible sneaky thing to wait for Mark to be away and follow Seb here. What kind of person could do such a thing? And to think what he might have done when she had seen proof enough of his brutality to Seb when he'd had to flee from him and come here in the first place. No wonder Mark was being so protective.

“I'm sure,” she agreed.

“And the dogs were very good. They scared the life out of him,” added Seb.

Pauline smiled and gave Shadow and Simba a pet.

“Good boys. Well I'm just glad you're okay dear. I'm sure you're right and that's the last we'll hear of him.”

“Yeah we hope so.”

“Do you need anything? Anything I can do for you?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Oh no, that's very kind, but we're alright thank you.”

“Alright then. Well I'll get out of your way.”

 

Pauline gave Sebastian another quick hug and then Mark as well for good measure, knowing he was bound to have been upset by this as Seb clearly had been. She should leave them to it. Mark would look after Seb and that would no doubt help them both feel better.

She went to leave, pausing only to address them both briefly once more.

“Just remember, if you ever need me I'm only a phone-call away, alright?”

“Thank you.”

“Yes thank you Pauline,” agreed Mark.

“I'll let myself out. I'll see you on Thursday.”

“Oh, um I'll be at the race in Abu Dhabi,” pointed out Sebastian.

Pauline looked at him, then Mark, tempted to say that didn't sound a good idea in the circumstances, but then she knew that nothing came in the way of them racing.

“Very good dear. Well good luck. I'm sure you'll do wonderfully as usual.”

“Thank you,” replied Seb, Mark by his side giving Pauline an approving nod to hear her positivity.

 

As soon as they heard the front door shut, Mark gave Seb another little squeeze then let go of him.

“Right then sweetheart. We got some tea waiting?”

Sebastian perked up.

“Oh yeah course. Hang on.”

Mark let Seb pour the tea while he gave the dogs a rub. He ducked down and whispered to them.

“You'd have chewed him all up if we let you, wouldn't you? Good boys. Such good boys you are.”

Seb came over to present Mark with a mug of tea and Mark stood to take it, receiving a kiss on the cheek along with it.

“You feeling any hungrier now?” he enquired.

“Yeah I think so. Is it too early for lunch Liebling?”

Mark didn't even bother to look at the time. All he cared about was that Sebastian had some appetite back.

“Nope. We'll just drink this then see what we've got, yeah?”

“Yeah,” concurred Sebastian.

They sat at the kitchen table, Seb naturally placing his chair up close and Mark putting his arm back around him as he drank his tea using his other hand. They were quiet as they drank, reminded that they should make the most of their time together before Sebastian had to go off racing once more.

 

  


As they ate their lunch, they warmed up a bit, talking at first about little nothings like the weather and only later moving on to other topics. Mark asked Sebastian whether he wanted to see if Dr. Menton could fit him in for a quick chat, wondering if that might not be helpful to him. He didn't want to imply that Seb wouldn't be fit to race without speaking with his therapist, but Mark wanted to give him every chance to get himself in shape to face the weekend.

When Mark brought it up Seb wondered that he hadn't thought of it himself. Maybe that was good though? That his first instinct hadn't been to go running to Henry and assume he was messed up in the head and needing help. A little chat just to straighten it all out in his own mind might be worthwhile though. Mark was great and Sebastian really did feel much better to have talked things through with him, but there was something to the perspective Henry gave and he was the only other person who really knew the full story.

Sebastian called him, leaving a message when the call wasn't picked up. He assumed that meant his psychiatrist was with another patient. Seb supposed he might well be too busy to fit him in. It wasn't fair to assume Henry had to drop everything to deal with him.

Only twenty minutes later Dr. Menton rang him back and Sebastian found himself having to explain why he want to see him so urgently. He only gave him the briefest of recounts, but Seb heard Henry puff a breath down the line.

“You sound remarkably okay Seb.”

“Mm, I dunno. Maybe I'm just in shock?”

“Well you don't sound too bad. That's positive. Although obviously...”

“Yeah,” cut in Seb. “It's just I have a race this weekend.”

“You're still going?”

“Of course. I mean I'd rather it wasn't this close, but I've got to go.”

Thirty miles away Sebastian's psychiatrist shook his head. Of _course_ Seb was still going to race. It took nearly dying for Seb to miss even a couple of races.

“So the thing is I'm off tomorrow night,” Sebastian explained.

“I see.”

“If you're too busy.”

“No hang on, just let me have a look.”

Dr. Menton slid his diary across the desk: There went his lunch break.

“Okay I really am pretty pushed, but could you do midday?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yes. I can only really give you half an hour Seb. I'm sorry, but I have other patients.”

“No of course. Half an hour is fine. Thank you.”

 

Sebastian hung up and went back to find Mark washing up in the kitchen. Mark turned around and leaned against the sink to face him.

“He fit you in?”

Seb nodded and walked up to stand with Mark.

“Just for half an hour. It's not much notice.”

“No. Okay well that's fine. What time?”

“Twelve.”

Mark nodded. That should give them plenty of time to do whatever else they wanted to tomorrow.

“Alright then.”

“Talking to you does help too Liebling,” assured Sebastian.

Mark gave him a smile and reached out to put his hand on Seb's arm.

“It's fine. All I care about is if it helps you.”

Sebastian moved in closer and pushed up on his toes to give Mark a kiss.

“Thank you Liebling.” He let out a sigh as he dropped down. “Thing is it made me realise. I need to talk to my family. If this should come out in the press...”

“I don't think it will,” interrupted Mark, not wanting that worry to take hold.

“But either way, I need to tell them.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay. I guess I ought to do the same. If that's alright?”

“Of course it is.”

 

Sebastian pressed in closer and Mark gave him a hug, keeping him held in as Seb spoke again.

“I don't want to do it.”

“Hm?”

“Tell my family. Worry them.”

“Oh. No, well...”

Mark drifted off. He understood well enough how Sebastian hated having to do these things and his family would worry. There was no way around it though.

“They're your family darling. That's just how it works.”

Seb nodded against him and Mark gave him another squeeze. No point telling him that his own family would be worrying as well once he told them.

  


  


They killed a little more time until Sebastian thought his brother ought to be home from school then the two of them sat together on the sofa. Seb felt more nervous and unsettled than he had done all day. Just to have to do this yet again. He didn't want to have to reassure his family and hear their worrying over the phone. He didn't want to feel guilty that he was causing them yet more concern.

Mark gave his hand a squeeze and Sebastian took a deep breath as he pressed dial. When his father answered he felt a horrible sense of de-ja-vu as he had to ask him to fetch the others because he had something to tell them. Sebastian tried to make sure that he sounded as steady as possible as he explained briefly what had occurred, keeping it simple by telling them that Heikki had been spotted on CCTV at the factory and that he had called the police. When Seb got to the part where he had spoken to Heikki he merely said that he had gone down to tell him to leave and the police had shown up shortly after and then Christian had come too. It wasn't untrue, but Sebastian knew he was softening it all for their consumption.

Despite his best efforts his mother was horrified, his father outraged and his brother way too quiet for Seb's liking.

 

“So they just warned him off and took him to the airport to make sure he left,” Seb explained.

He heard his mother let out an unhappy breath and his father huffed.

“Good riddance. I hope they put a flea in his ear.”

“They said they would. Christian brought all the paperwork to show them.”

“I don't understand why he's not in jail for all this,” complained Heike.

Sebastian looked to Mark by his side who had sat silently other than to say hello to let Seb's family know that he was there with him. Mark just gave him a little shake of his head, trying to remind Seb that they didn't understand how much more complicated the situation was.

“I couldn't go to court. It would be awful, the press...”

As Sebastian said that his voice dipped and his family came back in trying to sympathise.

“Of course you couldn't,” agreed Norbert.

“You don't think it'll be in the papers?” worried Fabian.

Sebastian didn't like that his brother now carried the same fears he did. A boy of that age shouldn't have to think of such things. It wasn't right.

“We don't think so. I don't think the police would leak it,” he assured.

 

There was quiet for a moment and Sebastian didn't know what to say.

“Are you really alright dear?” pressed his mother.

“Yeah I'm okay. It was pretty unpleasant, but it's over now and he's gone. We don't think he'd try it again.”

“No, alright,” soothed his father, “well let's hope so.”

“At least you called the police this time,” noted his mother. “It's so horrible that he did it on purpose when Mark was away.”

“It wasn't Mark's fault,” interceded Seb.

“No of course not dear I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to say it was Mark,” Heike assured.

“That's okay,” agreed Mark.

Fabian was glad to hear Mark's voice again to know that at least he was with his brother now.

“He got back as soon as he could,” added Sebastian.

He looked to Mark by his side, but Mark gave him a little shake of his head, trying to tell Seb that he didn't need to defend him.

“I've no doubt he did,” agreed Norbert, guessing that Mark would have been horrified to learn what had gone on while he was away. He wondered whether they ought to say congratulations to Mark for his new contract, but it seemed out of place now. Such a shame that something so good had been spoiled for them.

 

Fabian sat back. He didn't like the idea that Sebastian had been alone at all. When he thought of anything threatening or upsetting his brother it was always Mark being with him that reassured Fabian the most. He still didn't quite understand what had gone on with Heikki and his brother, but he knew he had caused Sebastian a lot of distress in the past. To think such a bad person could just wander up and invade their home like this was shocking.

“Seb,” Fabian started tentatively, “were you scared?”

Sebastian closed his eyes, hating hearing such concern from his little brother. He didn't want to lie to him, but he didn't want to worry him either. Seb couldn't answer for a moment as he pushed away the truth in his brother's question. Mark rubbed his thumb over Seb's hand and Sebastian tried to pull himself together to answer. He couldn't lie.

“A bit. That's why I called the police, but I had the dogs with me. He was scared of them.”

“Was he?”

“Yeah he really was Fabe. We told you they're nice to family, but they were barking and snapping at him and he wouldn't come anywhere near.”

Fabian let out a sigh of relief. Of course Seb had the dogs. They'd told him that would always be true. It was hard to imagine them being aggressive, but then they must have known Heikki was bad.

“Okay.”

Mark nodded over to Sebastian to encourage him and mouthed, 'its alright.'

  
Sebastian just wanted this call to be over. He knew that was selfish of him, but he found this so hard over the phone.

“Look, I'm really okay. It was pretty unpleasant, but it's done with. I'm off to the race tomorrow.”

“You'll be alright for it?” checked his mother.

“Course he will,” cut in his father.

“Yeah I'll be fine, okay. Just this last race and then it's the break remember?”

 

Feeling that he'd done all he could to reassure them without making things too much worse, Seb finished up the call with more promises that he was okay and would keep in touch over the weekend. None of his family mentioned the fact they knew that Mark couldn't go with him to Abu Dhabi, knowing that it would hardly help.

As soon as he hung up Sebastian dropped sideways into Mark, letting out a sigh. Mark let go his hand and put his arm around him.

“That wasn't so bad was it?” he tried.

Seb turned his head enough to see him.

“I just always hate having to make those calls.”

'Always' thought Mark, reflecting how sad it was that it was a repeated ordeal for Seb.

“Done now. They'll be alright. You did good.”

“I'll still have to call my sisters later.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, later though.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian really didn't feel up to repeating that now, but his sisters wouldn't be free to take a call until they'd finished work anyway, so it could wait.

 

 

They sat for a few minutes quietly. Each thinking things through. Mark was trying to work out when would be a good time to call his own family and Sebastian was trying to decide whether an idea he'd had was going to make it seem as if he'd finally gone insane.

“Mark.”

“Hm?”

Sebastian sat up a bit to look at him.

“Okay so I think I want to do something, but it's going to sound crazy.”

Mark frowned.

“I'm sure it won't.”

Seb hesitated, then decided he might as well say what was in his head.

“Okay so I kindof want to do a thing.”

“A thing?”

“You'll think it's really strange.”

Mark furrowed his brow even more, wondering what on earth Seb could be referring to.

“What is it?”

Sebastian surprised him by getting up and walking to the kitchen, trailed by the dogs who stuck with them as ever. He went to one of the cabinets and opened it up to find what he was looking for. Seb turned to Mark and showed him what was in his hand: A tall kilo weight plastic container of salt, used for filling salt cellars or adding to pans of boiling pasta.

Mark looked even more confused, so Seb explained.

“I hate the idea of him having been here, but I can't let him spoil our home. I need him to be gone. To wipe him out.”

Mark still wasn't quite sure what he was getting at so he just let Sebastian get on with it. Seb went to the front door and opened it, pausing only to open up the salt container's little spout and glance at Mark before casting a fine shower of salt out over the doorstep.

“Oh,” let out Mark as he finally clicked.

Sebastian looked to him.

“I know it's mad.”

Mark shook his head and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Not at all darling. Whatever works.”

Sebastian was salting the earth. Or currently; the doorstep, but the symbolism was important.

Seb looked to be sure that Mark understood him and getting a nod, stepped out onto the drive. Mark shooed the dogs back and very firmly told them to go into the kitchen. They didn't look too happy about it, but they obeyed.

 

Mark walked with Seb as he went out, continuing to disperse a thin layer of salt over the drive and then turning to go around the path encircling the house where he thought Heikki must have walked. When they made it all the way back round the tall plastic container was almost empty. As they stood in front of the house again Seb looked to Mark.

“Do you think I'm crazy?”

Mark shook his head and looped his arms around him.

“No darling. I said didn't I? Whatever works.”

“I don't want to let him steal our home.”

“He won't,” confirmed Mark solidly. “He's gone. Wiped from the earth as if he was never here.”

“Yeah exactly. I know it might be a stupid superstition.”

Mark gave him a little smile.

“Nah. It's what you do to get rid of slugs isn't it?”

Sebastian managed a little smile back at that. Mark held out his hand for the salt then poured a pinch into the palm of his hand and threw it over his left shoulder. Seb nodded and took a pinch to do the same.

“There we go then,” stated Mark lightly. “Job done.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark pulled a dismissive face. So what if it was a little strange? He really didn't care if it was superstitious nonsense as long as it made Seb feel better. Mark knew Seb was right, there was no way they were letting that bastard taint this place for them. He gave Sebastian a kiss then placed his hand to the side of his face as Mark looked closely at him.

“This is our home. Nothing and nobody can take it away from us, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb.

“Good.”

Mark gave him another quick kiss, then moved to encourage Seb to go back inside. As they stepped through the door Mark looked back at the fine white layer cast on the ground everywhere.

“We'll just have to make sure the dogs don't go licking it all up.”

Sebastian nodded and they shut themselves back inside. The outside world forgotten.

 

They went through to let Shadow and Simba know they could rejoin them.

“Now then, what do you fancy?” enquired Mark. “Bit more fresh air? Curl up on the sofa and watch something?”

Sebastian nodded. Definitely the latter.

Within a few minutes they were settled lying on the sofa, propped up slightly by cushions at one end. Mark lay behind Seb, his arms around him. As the Disney titles came on screen Seb twisted around to kiss him and Mark kissed back. A proper kiss this time, no peck on the lips. He stroked his hands over Seb's back and felt better for it. Seb snuggled in for a few moments, then with another quick kiss, swivelled back around to watch the film. Sebastian relaxed as he felt Mark pull him in a little tighter. He watched the jaunty colours on the screen in front of him and Seb felt soothed by the familiar scenes playing out, reminding him how secure he was here. Heikki couldn't take this from him.

Every now and again Mark lifted his head a fraction to check Seb hadn't fallen asleep. He hadn't though, so Mark simply gave him a little kiss on the temple before settling back in place. They were quiet, but it was a good quiet. Mark looked down at the dogs settled in a heap beneath them and smiled as he saw that they were the ones who had dropped off. That was okay though. They'd earned it.

  


  


  


  


The next day Mark sat in the parked car on the street outside Dr. Menton's office in Oxford. He'd given Sebastian a kiss before he climbed out to go inside, telling him he would wait, leaving unsaid the reminder that if he needed him Mark was right here. Instead Mark merely nodded at the no parking sign and told him that if a traffic warden came along he'd do a loop of nearby streets and come back. Sebastian nodded and told Mark not to worry. He had no fears that Mark would abandon him. If Mark wasn't here when Seb came down he'd just buzz his phone to let him know he was waiting and Mark would come back. It wasn't Mark's fault he hadn't been there when Heikki turned up. Seb knew Mark felt it almost more than he did.

Once he was sat on Dr. Menton's couch Sebastian repeated his apologies for making yet another short notice call on his therapist.

“No problem Seb. Do you want a cup of tea or something?”

“No it's fine.”

“You managed to park alright?”

“Mark's waiting outside.”

Henry smiled and nodded. Of course he was.

“Right well, seeing as we're unfortunately pressed for time, why don't you start by telling me what happened?”

Seb gave him a nod and began. It wasn't such a long story.

 

“So I don't know. I mean I don't feel great, but it is something to know I did face him.”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“It certainly is Seb. I'm very impressed. You sound remarkably calm and composed.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I wasn't at the time.”

“Well perhaps not, but that isn't the point.”

“I guess I just sort of put all my skills at faking it to good use,” noted Seb.

Henry smiled. “Indeed. Well,” he huffed a breath, “as I say, I'm very impressed. Not just that you stood up to him, which is in itself a huge achievement of course, but how you are now.”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“I did have to ask my boss to let me delay flying out so I could try to pull myself together.”

“No Seb, don't belittle yourself. You are handling this very well.”

“I know I'd normally just fall apart.”

“There is no normal about this,” pointed out his therapist.

“Afterwards I did feel a mess. I really wanted Mark there.”

“Of course.”

“My boss was there, Christian, but it's not the same, obviously.”

“Obviously not,” agreed Henry.

“I know he could tell I was a bit of a mess. I couldn't stop shaking.”

Henry nodded.

“That's shock Seb. An entirely natural reaction to something so disturbing. How did your boss treat you? Did he say anything about it?”

Sebastian sighed.

“He wanted to call Doc Phillips. That's the team doctor. But I said no.”

Henry noted how Sebastian still attempted to minimise the exposure of his supposed weaknesses.

“I see.”

“I told him I was just cold. We both knew it was a lie, but... I don't know. Sometimes denial is the only way to get through things. I'm not sure pretending is always bad. I had to pretend to Heikki I wasn't scared in order to face him. I'll have to pretend I'm happy to be at the race this weekend when I'd rather the season was over already. I had to pretend to my family on the phone a little bit. I mean I didn't lie to them, but I didn't want them to worry too much.”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“Are you pretending to me now?”

Sebastian smiled.

“No. What would be the point? I'd just be wasting both our time.”

Henry smiled back, thinking how smart Sebastian was.

“Indeed. So if you aren't pretending then you really are doing alright. I don't mean perfect. Of course what has happened has upset you, but you are handling it.”

“Well Mark's home now. I'm not sure I would have handled it so well otherwise.”

“I can't imagine Mark would have stayed away,” noted Henry.

“No. He got back as soon as he could. I feel bad I gave him such a fright leaving him those messages.”

“I'm sure Mark wouldn't have been happy if you hadn't called him.”

“Yeah I suppose. When he came home I just felt so much better. He steadies me. Inside.” Seb looked over at his therapist. “I'm sure that sounds as strange as covering the place in salt to remove Heikki from where he'd walked around the house.”

Henry shook his head.

“No it doesn't sound strange at all. The salting of the earth is an interesting interpretation of tradition, but doing something practical, something physical to undo what has been done. I can understand that. And to feel steadied by the presence of the person who loves you. That sounds the most natural thing of all.”

Seb took in deep breath and nodded, glad to be reassured.

 

“This is the most we've been apart since he got home,” Seb commented.

Henry nodded. Mark was still only a few feet away, but still.

Sebastian glanced towards the window unconsciously, before looking back to Dr. Menton.

“To be honest, we've hardly been able to let go of each other.”

“Yes, well I can see why that would be. You were apart at the time when you needed to be together the most. Heikki saw to that. Now you are both trying to compensate for it.”

“Right.”

Sebastian thought about that. He hadn't analysed it, but it made sense.

“And yet tonight you fly out to your next race?” pressed Dr. Menton.

Seb puffed out an unhappy breath.

“Yeah.”

“Did you consider not going?”

“Not really.”

“Because you felt you had to, or because you wanted to go?”

Seb shrugged.

“Neither really. Well I guess because I feel I have to, but not for the team, not even for me really. Because I want to show him I won't be put down. I have to just get through this one last race and then it'll be the break and I can just relax and just _be_. Be myself, be with Mark, be free for a bit.”

“You sound like you're looking forward to it.”

Sebastian coughed a dry laugh.

“God yeah. I don't feel quite so tired as I did yesterday, but I am sort of tired in a different way: I'm tired of coping. I'm tired of _having_ to cope.”

“And do you think you'll cope this weekend?”

Sebastian sighed.

“I don't have any choice.”

Henry frowned.

“Well you do Seb. You said your boss explicitly told you that you didn't have to race if you didn't feel up to it.”

Sebastian scrunched his face.

“No. I have to race. I have to show Heikki I won't be cowed. I have to show the world I'm back. If I don't go, they'll think it's due to the crash and I don't want that.”

Henry nodded again. Still image. Still appearances. But there were undoubtedly some areas of Sebastian's life where that was inevitably important.

 

“Okay. So how do you think you'll handle it if you're understandably still not feeling on top of the world?”

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“Same way I always do: Just do what has to be done. It helped at the other races. You know, what you said about only dealing with whatever I have to at the time and not worrying about the bigger picture.”

“Good. I'm glad to hear it.”

“So that's what I'll do. I'll just do it step by step. Britta will help me with the media stuff and... well, hopefully I'll be alright with the racing stuff. It's not so hard to concentrate on that.”

Henry nodded and Seb took in a breath as he looked to the window again.

“I just wish Mark could be there with me.”

“Of course.”

“You understand why he can't?”

“I do. It's very unfortunate. Do you want to talk about that?”

Sebastian gave a shake of his head. What was the point when it wouldn't change anything?

 

“It used to be Brazil,” noted Seb.

“Hm?”

“Brazil used to be the last race of the year. If it was there Mark could come. It wouldn't be a problem.”

“Ah I see.”

“I wish it hadn't changed. I don't like Abu Dhabi.”

“You have bad memories of it.”

“Yeah. And... I don't know. I guess I resent the fact Mark can't come. I didn't use to think so much about how things were there, the law... but now it's all I can think of. To know what they must think of me. It's horrible to feel so... disapproved of.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh.

“I know 'disapproved of' doesn't cover it and I feel selfish worrying about that when I think of how it must be for someone like me who lives over there. Really terrible things happen.”

Henry shook his head.

“You can't be thinking of things like that if you're going to race Seb.”

“No I know. It feels selfish not to though.”

“Sometimes you have to be selfish.”

 

Seb nodded. He already knew that Britta had given the media the hard-line on raising the subject with him. Any questions about intolerance wouldn't be tolerated. It was ironic really.

 

“Seb I think you're right. If you're going to go to the race, you just have to be brutally practical about it; deal with it step by step to get to the other side.”

“And run up my phone bill calling Mark all the time,” added Sebastian.

“I'm sure you can afford it,” smiled Dr. Menton.

“Guess so.”

 

Sebastian took in the deepest breath and let it out slowly.

“I sometimes feel my life is so surreal. Like one day I'll wake up and I'm just some ordinary guy living an ordinary life back in Heppenheim.”

“You're far from ordinary Seb. I'll give you that much,” concurred Henry. “Would you want to be that ordinary guy?”

Seb paused and thought about it: An ordinary life; dull, slow. Unexciting but safe, predictable. He looked back up to his therapist and shook his head.

“No. I wouldn't have Mark then. I'd take all of this just to have him. To have our life together: our home, the dogs, everything. I wouldn't change it.”

Henry smiled.

“That's something pretty important to carry with you isn't it?”

“Yeah I suppose it is. Racing too. I am grateful to have that. I could do without it being this weekend, but I do want it to be a part of my life, so I'll just get through this weekend and then next year I can start afresh. If I can show them I'm doing alright now, then next year hopefully we can go back to normal.”

“You get a re-set?”

“Exactly. This way I get to close off this year. Like it's a box with all the bad stuff in one place. Does that make sense?”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“A box you can close.”

“Yeah.”

 

Seb wanted to put away all the stress and the upset and the drama. All that feeling out of control. The media and Heikki and the racing world controlling him instead.

“After this weekend the season is over and I want to leave it behind. All that. All the bad stuff and how it made me feel.”

A furrow settled between his brow as Sebastian looked at Henry.

“I told Heikki that the old me died, but I'm not sure that's entirely true. I'm still me, but it's like... like I'm the real me now. The me that was hidden underneath. Like I've been roughing that old skin off and once the year is over I need to slough it off altogether.

Dr. Menton looked at Sebastian thinking what an analogy that was. Sebastian was transformed from the person who had first come to him nearly two years ago.

“Like a chrysalis.”

“A what?”

“A chrysalis. The casing a caterpillar sheds to become a butterfly,” explained Dr. Menton.

Sebastian laughed unexpectedly at the imagery.

“I'm not sure I'd describe myself that way. I was thinking more like a snake shedding it's skin.”

Henry smiled.

“I'd say Heikki was more likely to be the snake, but whatever you choose Seb. Does it feel good to think that you can be a new person, or a newly improved version of you?”

Sebastian nodded slowly.

“Yeah it does. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm still dreading this weekend to be honest. I'm still not fine with Heikki having been here. I'm still a bit worried about the media and all that, but... Yeah I guess it does at least feel better to how things were.”

“Nobody is perfect Seb. No life is without problems. Getting yourself in a position to cope with that. That's the aim.”

“That's what Mark says. He says we should focus on the fact we get through it.”

 

Henry noticed how it was Mark that was held up as the voice of wisdom for Sebastian as always, but he couldn't disagree with the sentiment.

“Indeed. And there's nothing wrong with having worries and concerns as long as you handle them too.”

Seb shot him a rueful smile.

“Guess I'm not completely transformed from the old me yet.”

Henry shook his head.

“You've come a huge way Seb.”

“I guess.”

“It takes an outsider to see it. I suspect that's why you come here.”

“Maybe.”

“You don't see just how far you really have come Seb. I bet you don't even realise how many times you've said Heikki by name today. Once you couldn't even stand to hear it.”

Once Henry knew he would have seen an almost physical repulsion in Sebastian at the word, as if it pained him.

Sebastian frowned. He hadn't really appreciated that he had been doing it.

“Oh. Well. I guess... I don't really like it still, but I suppose it's not as bad.”

“His very name once held power over you, just as he did. Now that he doesn't have that power, the name loses its power likewise.”

 

Sebastian raised his eyebrows. He'd never thought about it like that.

“I suppose you're right. Hopefully I won't have to use it much in future.”

“Hopefully not indeed,” agreed Henry.

His therapist looked at his watch.

“I'm really sorry Seb but we're pretty much out of time.”

“That's okay. I know you squeezed me in. I do appreciate it.”

“No problem. I hope it's helped to talk. If only to know how well you really are doing Seb.”

“Yeah. Thanks. It has.”

The two of them got up and shook hands.

“I'm not sure when I'll be back,” admitted Sebastian.

Henry looked at him, knowing he wasn't referring to when he would be home from the race.

“Just give me a call. You know where I am if you want a chat.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Thank you. Hopefully it won't be an emergency call again.”

Henry nodded.

“Let's hope not. Good luck for the weekend. For the racing and everything else.”

“Thanks. I'd better go or I'm likely to find Mark out there remonstrating with a parking warden.”

Henry smiled and took a step to glance out of the window. He could see Mark stood leaning on the car which was parked on double yellow lines in front. Waiting for Seb. As always.

Sebastian walked out of the room and a few moments later Henry watched as he stepped from the building into Mark's embrace. He wondered when or even _if_ he would see Seb again. Strangely Henry both hoped he would, and hoped he wouldn't at the same time.

  


  


Sebastian slotted himself into the car next to Mark.

“You didn't get a parking ticket then?”

“Nope. Guess that throwing the salt over your shoulder for luck thing works after all,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian smiled back. He knew Mark didn't really believe in things like that, but he wasn't taking the piss out of him.

“So it went alright then?” checked Mark.

“Mm, yeah. We didn't really have time to get too into it all, but yeah. I'm glad I went.”

“Good. That's all that matters.”

Sebastian let out a sigh.

“I really don't want to think about the fact I have to fly out tonight.”

Mark nodded.

“Me either sweetheart.”

He paused, wondering if he should say what was on his mind.

“Look, I don't want to say you can't do it, but if you don't want to you could still call Christian. It's not too late.”

Sebastian shook his head. He was sure that Christian would have made sure that there were reserve drivers around just in case, but he had to do it. Nothing had changed on that score.

“No I have to go. It's just one last race. That's part of what I was talking to Henry about; I need to get it done to seal off this year. Good or bad, I need to complete it.”

Mark nodded slowly.

“Alright well then... yeah okay.”

“Nearly the break,” reminded Seb. “That's what I'm going to keep focussed on. Apart from when I'm driving, obviously.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“That is reassuring. Okay, well on that note. Having something to look forward to that is; I spoke to Leanne just now.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah just briefly. She rang me with an idea.”

 

He'd spoken to his sister the night before to let her know what had happened and Leanne had been as appalled as Mark predicted she would be, but as usual she did her best to look for ways to help.

“It's just an idea, but I thought I'd mention it.”

“Okay, so?” prompted Sebastian.

“Right well, in the immortal words of your brother it does indeed suck that I can't come with you this weekend, but Leanne pointed out that seeing as you're flying part-way around the world to do it, I could catch you up and we could fly the other half and go visit them.”

“To Australia you mean?”

“Yeah. It's just an idea. If you just want to come straight home after the race I'll totally understand, but Leanne thought it might be nice to make a proper break with the end of the season. You know, to clear our heads and leave everything behind us.”

“We'd go stay with your family?”

“Just for a bit, however long you like really, a week maybe. As I say if you don't fancy it...”

 

Sebastian looked at him, thinking how Mark must miss his family. They'd seen quite a lot of Seb's all told this year, but Mark had only been home once at the start of the season.

“No, that's a good idea.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian touched Mark's arm, hearing how carefully optimistic Mark sounded. He knew Mark was as usual putting him first and not trying to pressure him. Mark should get something back for once.

“Yeah. That'd be nice. Would we stay with your parents?”

“I guess. I haven't actually asked them yet.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“The odds of them not wanting you come visit?”

“Us.”

“Fine. Us.”

“Yeah alright. I'm sure they'd be up for it. So you think it's a good plan then? I could look at connecting flights stopping in Abu Dhabi to meet you and then we'd fly on to Aus. It's still a long way, but at least you'd be cutting off a big chunk.

Mark wouldn't of course, but Seb knew he didn't care so much about that.

“It's a great idea. Your family are lovely. I'd like to see them again.”

 

Mark smiled and Sebastian saw something settle in him. It was nice to think of making Mark happy and it really would be good to get away from it all. He knew that Mark had been upset by what had happened and no doubt his sister understood that too. It was a good idea to suggest something to take their minds off it.

“Brilliant,” smiled Mark happily. “I'll look into it when we get home.”

“You can do it while I'm packing.”

“Yeah.”

“It'll give us something extra to really look forward to,” noted Sebastian.

“Exactly.”

“And... yeah it's funny, I do love being home and I can't wait to be there more over the winter break, but I think a proper division with what's gone on might not be a bad thing, for both of us.”

“Yeah. Course this means we probably need to buy Pauline a bigger Christmas present.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“True. You don't think she'll mind do you?”

“Nah. She never does. I think she likes to feel useful. Right then darling. Head home, get some lunch and sort things out yeah?”

Seb leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah.”

They set off and Sebastian sat back in his seat looking out as they drove along. Mark looked visibly lifted now that he had agreed to this. His sister was a genius. Seb was going to tell her when he saw her. He smiled over at Mark as Seb switched the radio on, feeling as though he was re-connecting with the world. Seb pulled out his phone and texted Christian to let him know that he wanted to change his plans, hoping they wouldn't be too put out that he'd be missing the usual debrief back at the factory after the race. Thankfully a text came back from his boss surprisingly quickly telling Seb to go for it and not to worry seeing as they could complete any follow-ups at the track. Sebastian guessed Christian must be waiting around at the airport with nothing to do. He sounded keener than Seb had supposed he would be on the pair of them disappearing off the moment the season ended, but then with any luck there wouldn't be too much work required after the race and if the team really needed him for anything once he was back Seb was only up the road and he could pop in.

Seb put his phone back in his pocket and turned to Mark.

“Christian says it's not a problem.”

Mark nodded. He suspected Christian would agree to anything by this stage.

“Course it's not a problem. Couple of days and we'll be free and clear, right?”

“Right,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark smiled and as they drove along the A-roads home he placed his hand on Seb's knee, just leaving it resting there to stay connected to him for as long as he could.

  


  


  


Mark made sure Sebastian was okay getting on with finishing off his abandoned packing and was about to go downstairs when he paused and ducked down with him as Seb sat folding things into his case.

“So I'll call Mum and Dad and start looking to make plans?”

“Uh huh.”

Mark wondered whether to say something that was bothering him, but decided he should.

“Seb.”

“Hm?”

“You definitely want to go to visit them right?”

Sebastian looked at him properly.

“Course. I said so didn't I?”

“Yeah. It's not... Well. I'd hate to think it's got anything to do with not wanting to come back here.”

Sebastian frowned, then he realised what Mark meant.

“No it's not that. I just think it would be nice for you Liebling.”

“Yes well nice for you too hopefully, but I mean about here. You're not feeling what's happened has made here somewhere you don't want to be. I mean after it happened with your old place you didn't want to go back,” Mark recalled.

Sebastian thought about that. It was a logical conclusion, but things had changed.

“No Liebling it's okay. It's not the same somehow. I know the thing I did with the salt might seem like, I don't know, like I'm feeling weird about here. I know it must seem silly.”

Mark knelt down closer to him and put his hand on Seb's arm.

“No darling I don't mean that. I meant what I said; whatever works. Just as long as it _has_ worked.”

“It has. I won't let him damage this place. This is our home. He can't take it from us.”

“And you still feel safe here?”

Sebastian nodded.

“He didn't get inside the house. If he had, maybe things would be different.”

Mark let out a huff of breath. Even the idea made his stomach turn over.

 

“That could never have happened,” Mark insisted, knowing they both had to hold onto that belief.

“Well exactly,” agreed Seb, feeling more confident as time passed that that was true. “So it's okay. He didn't win and he won't win by making me feel differently about this place. I just needed to do something to cut him off, with the salt thing. Henry said it was about taking an action to feel it was done with. I guess it's another way of taking control back. Does that make sense?”

“Of course.”

“I know it came out in a silly superstitious action.”

“That doesn't matter,” interrupted Mark.

“No, okay so that's what I mean. We take control. This is our home and that's not affected by him.”

Sebastian looked at Mark firmly, their home meant far to much to him to let it be damaged by what had happened. Seb was determined it remain the safe refuge it had always been. Heikki didn't get to destroy that, he wouldn't let him. He'd taken too much, but not this, not now.

“Alright then,” agreed Mark feeling reassured. “So I'll make the call then?”

 

It would be good to see his family and Mark knew that they would like to see both him and Seb. When he had called them yesterday his mother had insisted on speaking to Seb to make sure he was really okay. He knew how much they had worried through this year, feeling very far away from their son when they were going through so much. Seb was right, they were going to be thrilled to have them visit.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark gave Seb a smile.

“You really are incredible darling. Have I mentioned that lately?”

Sebastian smiled back.

“I guess it does feel good to have a victory.”

Mark grinned and raised his forefinger in Seb's trademark salute, making Seb laugh, then pulling him into his arms.

“You're going to be fine this weekend, alright sweetheart? Then we'll have a little trip to get a spot of sunshine and be spoiled by my family. Then we'll be home and it'll practically be Christmas.”

“Yeah. I can't wait for Christmas,” agreed Seb.

“Good. Me neither.”

Mark gave him a kiss, thinking that decorating the house for Christmas would also be a helpful way of claiming it back as their own as well.

“Right. I'll get out of your hair.” He looked down at the items in Seb's case. “You alright with those hoodies or do you want anything else?”

“Oh, umm.”

“Take anything you like darling. Just help yourself. I guess you'd better pack some shorts for Aus too.”

“I'll do a separate case.”

“Good plan. Right well I'll go make some calls. Oh I should warn you I think Mum might be a bit over-excited to have us.”

Seb smiled, thinking how lovely Mark's mum was. All his family had always been so kind to him. It would be good to see them and to know it made them happy too was a nice feeling.

“I think it'll help. You know, to have an extra thing to look forward to,” Seb noted.

“Mm, definitely,” Mark agreed.

He gave Seb another kiss and finally left him to it, thinking to himself that letting Seb go off to the race at the airport in a few hours was going to be the hardest thing of all.

 

Mark went down and got his laptop out to start looking at possible flight options to come up with a plan that should work for them both. He wanted to time it so he could still watch Seb's race, then fly out to meet him afterwards. It meant an overnight flight to Abu Dhabi. That was fine though. He'd sleep on the plane and it meant Seb could get a good night's rest following his race. Then the two of them could make good their escape to Australia, spending as little time as possible at the airport in Abu Dhabi where he knew they would not be comfortable. Hopefully the airport was reasonably neutral territory. They would just have to restrain themselves over the extent they allowed themselves to greet one another as they would like. Mark was reasonably sure they could control their emotions enough to wait until they were safely on a flight out of there and then they could cuddle up all they liked.

  


 

 

  


By early evening it felt as though they had things fairly well sorted. Mark had booked the flights and his family had been as thrilled as predicted to know that they were coming to stay. Mark had been forced to nip back upstairs again to allow his mother speak to Seb, wishing him luck from them both and telling him how much they were looking forwards to seeing them. After that was arranged and Seb was packed, all his documents and details double-checked, they walked the dogs out once more to get some air.

It felt as though time was running out, but there was nothing much they could do about it. Mark made them an early dinner and they worked on not looking too often at the time as it slipped by. They couldn't ignore it altogether though. They had a schedule to stick to in order to make sure Seb caught his flight with time to spare, neither wanting to be in a rush and let the experience of parting any more stressful than it was already bound to be.

As Mark helped Sebastian bring his things down to put them in the boot of the car ready to go, they were caught by a sudden downpour of rain. Mark quickly shut the boot and they raced back inside, standing for a moment just inside the doorway looking out.

“Wow it's really bouncing down,” noted Seb.

“Should pass,” commented Mark.

It was dark and the motorway wouldn't be much fun in these conditions, so he certainly hoped so. At least they were heading out long after all the rush-hour traffic would have cleared.

“It's washing away.”

“Hm?”

Mark frowned at Sebastian who nodded at the driveway illuminated by the light spilling out from the hall where they stood.

“The salt. The rain's washing it away. He's gone now.”

“Ah.”

Mark nodded as he saw what Seb saw. He shifted so he stood behind Seb, wrapping his arms around him and dropping his chin onto Sebastian's shoulder as they looked out together.

“Yeah, he's really gone darling. Wiped clean now.”

 

Mark turned his head and gave Sebastian a kiss on the cheek.

Seb's flight was at eleven pm. Two hours grace for check-in, an hour to get to the airport, an hour thrown in for any other eventualities. Plenty of time.

“Right. One hour darling. What would you like to do?” asked Mark.

Sebastian turned around in his arms and untucked his own from the embrace to slip them around Mark's neck. He pushed up on his toes and smiled at Mark.

“An hour?”

“Mm.”

“I can think of something,” Seb smiled.

“Oh? _Oh_.” A smile broke over Mark's face in turn. “Yeah?”

“Something to think of while we're apart. Unless you don't want to Liebling?”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Definitely not going to say no to that darling.”

They kissed for a moment, then let go of one another only to join hands to go up together. Sebastian shut the front door behind them, the pouring rain washing the salt away into the drains outside in the cold dark, streaming on into the sewers, unobserved and forgotten.

 

  


  


  


  


It felt like only moments later that they was stood in the airport again, their arms wrapped around one another, clinging on for just a few more seconds until they had to let go. Sebastian closed his eyes, his head resting inwards on Mark's shoulder. He didn't want to hear the announcement reminding him that he had to make a move. He was feeling far better than he had only twenty-four hours earlier but Sebastian had no desire to be parted from the person who helped him feel better in the first place. Reluctantly Seb sighed and reopened his eyes to step a fraction back from Mark.

Mark loosened his hold on Seb and gave him a nod.

“Okay, well give me a ring when you get there.”

“Of course I will Liebling.”

Seb could see how concerned Mark looked. He reached up and put his hand at Mark's cheek.

“I'll be okay.”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark, “course you will. I know.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and pushed up on his toes to give Mark a kiss, slowing into it, not caring who was looking.

Mark smiled as they parted.

“Just a few days and then we'll be heading off for our little holiday.”

“I'm looking forward to it,” agreed Seb.

“Good. Me too. Alright well...”

Mark sighed, hardly knowing what to say.

“I'll be alright,” assured Sebastian once more trying to make sure he sounded as positive as possible for him. “I'll miss you, but I'll be really busy.”

Mark nodded, wondering what he could do in turn to distract himself while he was at home.

“Absolutely darling. Well good luck.”

“Thank you Liebling. I'll speak to you soon, okay?”

“Yeah. Remember you can call me any time you like,” offered Mark, thinking he wasn't sure he'd be able to switch his phone off ever again.

“Okay.”

Sebastian gave him another quick kiss, knowing he had to go.

“I love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart.”

 

Mark walked Seb as far over as he could until he really couldn't go any further. He gave Seb another kiss and then finally let go his hand so Sebastian could walk away to go through security and catch his flight. He felt as though his hand was literally glued to Seb's and he had to tear it away. Seb gave Mark his best smile.

“I'll see you soon.”

“Very soon,” agreed Mark. “Take care. I love you.”

Sebastian heard the need in that last addition. He felt the tug back in as if there was elastic linking them and slung his arms around Mark's neck one last time. Mark squeezed him tight and then let go, giving him a firm nod.

“Bye then.”

“Mein Fels, immer.”

Seb gave Mark a soft look as he said that but he knew he had to go now, he really had to go. Sebastian broke the bond and made himself walk away, each step almost as hard to force himself take as the ones that had carried him to open the front door to face Heikki. He waved goodbye at the last possible point and smiled as Mark waved back. Four and a half days. A little over one hundred hours. They'd survive. They always did.

  


Mark waited until there was nothing more he could see of Seb as he disappeared down the corridor and then turned for the exits, wishing he had the dogs with him right now. He made his way to the car-park and got back into the car before pulling out his phone to send Sebastian a text that was in truth, entirely superfluous.

MARK: Have a safe flight darling. Love you.

He was just about to start the engine when a text bounced back and Mark guessed that Sebastian was now sat around waiting once more.

SEB: Thanks. Love you too. Give the dogs a hug from me.

Mark smiled.

MARK: Will do. They'll be missing you.

SEB: More than you will? ;)

MARK: Not possible darling.

There was a brief pause, than another message popped up.

SEB: Ditto. Ok, gotta go. They're calling us to the gate. Speak on the other side.

MARK: Course. Hope you get a good sleep on the flight.

SEB: Thank you Liebling. <3

MARK: <3

 

Mark let out the longest sigh and put the phone back in his pocket. He meant to set off briskly home, but Mark found himself folding his arms to rest on the steering wheel in front of him and sinking his head on top of them. He closed his eyes and tried and failed not to worry about how Seb was going to get on this weekend. Only hours ago he'd lain in his arms in an all too brief stolen embrace. Seb had given himself to Mark once more as his parting gift. Tender and beautiful, the sweetest of joys that Mark knew he could never take for granted.

He could have lost him again. Brutal fate could have taken his Seb away from Mark once more. Even to think of it gave Mark an almost physical pain in his chest. If Heikki had laid one hand on Sebastian Mark knew he would have hunted him down and visited on him every pain he had ever inflicted on Seb. He would have destroyed him. Heikki would have made him the violent vengeful monster he was himself and Mark knew that would have destroyed him just as much as it had Heikki.

Sebastian had saved him from that. He had faced Heikki down and defeated him without raising so much as a finger. He had saved Mark once again. Seb still didn't know how incredible he was. Everything that Heikki had done to him and Seb's revenge was to feel sorry for him. Incredible didn't begin to cover it. He knew that Heikki would no doubt have thought Sebastian's way was weak and his strong, but Mark knew for sure that it was the other way around. Heikki's punishment was that he would never understand that love was stronger than hate.

Mark squeezed his eyes tight shut and thought how much he loved him. He had to focus on that love for Seb and leave the hatred he felt for Heikki behind. If he didn't it would only be another way of letting him win. Mark closed his eyes tighter, thinking how that was another thing that Seb had taught him. He had to put Heikki out of his mind and let him be the nothing that Sebastian had called him. As long as Seb was alright, then Heikki needed to fade into insignificance, then he would no longer have any power to affect their lives.

 

Mark sat up and wiped the tears away from his face. He puffed out a breath and settled himself. Four days. He could do that if Seb could. Mark turned the ignition key and backed the car out of the parking space to head home. He needed that hug from the dogs that he'd promised Seb about.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever works, right?


	109. Arabian Nights - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One last race left in the season

* * *

  
  


“So how're you doing?”

Mark puffed a long breath down the phone.

“Alright.”

“You don't sound very alright,” commented his sister.

“No I am really. Just... I don't know. I'd be better if I was with Seb. Or better still, him home with me,” Mark admitted.

On the other side of the world Leanne nodded.

“Yeah I'm sure. How is he? Have you spoken to him since he got there?”

“Mm yeah just briefly when he arrived. He didn't have long while he dumped his stuff at the hotel before he had to head off to the circuit to do prep stuff for tomorrow.”

“Ah okay, but he seemed alright?”

Mark let out a sigh.

“Mostly. He had more headaches on the way out again.”

His sister could hear the concern in Mark's voice.

“Ah dear. That's not good is it?”

“No. I mean he said he was okay once he'd taken some paracetamol, but...”

“Still not great.”

“No.” Mark sighed again. “At least it wasn't the proper painkillers he had to take the other night, so that's something.”

“Right.”

“It's the air pressure, but I suspect the stress doesn't help.”

“No I suppose not. But he was alright when you spoke to him?”

“Yeah he seemed okay.”

“And you said Seb's better when he's busy, so he should be alright at the track for the afternoon shouldn't he?” proposed Leanne, trying to pick her brother up.

“Yeah. I just wish I was around to be sure of that.”

“Of course.”

Mark puffed another breath.

“I know I must sound like I think he can't look after himself.”

“No Mark it sounds like you are concerned for him when he's had a bad time. Both of you have. It's only natural you want to be together.”

“Yeah I guess you're right.”

His sister usually was reflected Mark.

“And you'll be meeting him after the race on Sunday?” she checked.

“Well it'll be Monday morning by the time we meet, but yeah.”

“So that's only a couple of days.”

“Mm.”

Leanne let out the tiniest of sad laughs at that.

“Ah Mark. A couple of days is too much isn't it?”

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“Is right now. To be honest we're not very good at being apart at the best of times.”

“And this isn't exactly he best of times is it?”

“No.”

 

Leanne wished as she so often did that she could give her brother a hug.

“Well I just hope it'll cheer you both up a bit to come out here.”

“Thanks. I'm sure it will. I'm just worried about him getting through this weekend first.”

“Of course. You did say he was doing better though.”

“Mm, yeah he was. I think even that extra day made a difference,” agreed Mark.

“For you too.”

“Hm?”

“I'm sure it helped to have him with you for as long as you could.”

Mark huffed air through his nose.

“Yeah that's true.”

“You worry so much about him Mark. Don't forget yourself. I'm sure this has all been very stressful for you too.”

 

Mark paused before he dared admitting something to his sister.

“You know the truth is I think I actually feel better when I can...”

He trailed off.

“What?”

“It'll sound strange.”

“I'm sure it won't.”

Mark thought it probably would, but he'd started now so he might as well say it.

“When I can look after him a bit, Seb. I know that sounds like I'm saying he's incapable and I know he's not, but when something's happened it does help me to try to help him.”

“That doesn't sound strange,” reassured Leanne.

“No?”

“No. Of course you want to help him.”

“It's not all the time.”

“No of course not, but you're a practical sort of person Mark. You like to _do_ things. So now while Seb's away and you're stuck at home, you feel like you can't actually do anything to help. So of course that's frustrating for you.”

“Right,” Mark agreed, think how well his sister knew him. Twenty years living on opposite sides of the world hadn't changed that. “I guess that's it. I hate to feel useless.”

“You're not useless Mark. I'm sure you did great to help him get in a good enough state to go out there and you'll both be back together afterwards. In the meantime I've no doubt you'll be on the phone twenty-four seven.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Yeah well that's standard.”

 

“You're very sweet you know.”

“I am not sweet,” argued Mark.

“You are. Both of you. I'm sure he's out there wishing you were with him, trying not to worry you, counting the hours until Monday morning.”

Mark smiled, knowing that was true.

“Meanwhile you're sat at home, worrying about him, wishing you were with him and counting the hours until Monday,” continued Leanne.

“Alright you win.”

Leanne smiled, hearing her brother sounding a little better.

“Anyway, just goes to show what a good match you are. So focus on that and get through this weekend, because you _will_ get through it and so will Seb.”

“I know.”

“And then you'll get a nice dose of sunshine and you can forget all about things.”

“Yeah. It'll be good. Thank you for thinking of that.”

“No problem. It'll be good to see you both and I know that Mum and Dad are dying to have you over.”

“Yeah. I wish we lived closer sometimes.”

“Only sometimes?” teased Leanne.

Mark smiled.

“You know what I mean. I just wish we could make the world smaller.”

“Yeah. Ah well. We'll see you soon enough won't we?”

“Yep.”

 

“So what are you going to do with yourself now?” Leanne asked, guessing her brother needed distractions from his worries.

“Oh well thought I might take the bike out for a good push. Seb won't be done for a couple of hours yet.”

Leanne decided not to comment on how he was arranging his life around Seb even when they were thousands of miles apart.

“Sounds good. Alright well if I don't speak to you beforehand I'll see you when you're here.”

“Righto.”

“And if you want a chat in the meantime.”

“I know where you are,” finished Mark. “Thanks. Okay well say hello to the family.”

“Will do. Say hello and good luck to Seb from me.”

“Sure. Bye then.”

“Bye. See you soon and try not to fret too much about Seb. I'm sure he'll fine.”

“Thanks.”

 

Mark hung up and gave the dogs pressing in around his legs a rub.

“Right boys. I'm gonna go out for a bit. Try not to destroy the place and I'll give you a nice walk before dinner.”

He headed up to change into his cycling gear, fitting his mobile phone into the zipped pocket of his tracksuit top, double-checking to make sure that the sound was on and the volume turned up, just in case.

  
  


  
  


  
  


 

Sebastian got to the end of the day feeling reasonably pleased with himself. It had been a bit of whirlwind given the truncated run-up with only arriving that morning, but at least that ensured he hadn't been left too much time to think. He'd had some time with his boss and Britta to run through things when he got to the circuit, both clearly trying to see how he was and discuss the plans for the weekend.

Sebastian tried to assure them that he was doing fine really, but Christian had insisted on him seeing Doc Phillips to be checked out. Sebastian had been sorely tempted to say he'd had no problems, but he knew that Mark wouldn't be too impressed with him lying, so he admitted to the headaches. Dr. Phillips had thankfully not made too much fuss about it, only checking that he was feeling well now he was there and extracting a promise that Sebastian talk to him if he felt unwell at any point. Strictly speaking Seb supposed he was meant to do that anyway, but he agreed and left to go spend his time in the garage feeling as though he had been released.

It was far better to work with the guys than have well-meaning people looking at you expecting to find something wrong with you. None of the team mentioned anything about his delayed arrival and Seb wondered what excuse Christian had given. Seeing as the running was on a twilight schedule in Abu Dhabi it wasn't too obvious that he had started late as the work in the garage was likely to go on into the evening. Once he got into looking over the car and talking with the engineers Sebastian actually started to forget all that had gone on earlier in the week and only when Britta reappeared to tell him it was time to go and do a gaggle interview with the media was Seb reminded.

She paused with him in the back of the garage and repeated her assurances that she had come across no hint that anything was likely to go public. Sebastian nodded and told himself that this was just another step he had to get through. He went out to stand with her in the encircling crowd and Sebastian fixed on his smile to tell the awaiting journalists that he was looking forward to making the most of the last race of the year.

  
  


  
  


  
  


It wasn't until eight o'clock that Sebastian had completed his track walk and all the preparations for running in free practice the next day. He'd sent Mark a text and promised him he would call as soon as he was back to his room in the hotel. Seb was looking forward to a lie down and the sound of Mark's voice fooling him into thinking that he was really at home.

He was just walking down the paddock when his phone buzzed in his pocket and Sebastian paused to pull it out and read it.

MARK: These guys miss you.

Attached was a picture of Shadow and Simba looking up mournfully at the camera, all big brown eyes and looking in need of a good rub-down. Sebastian smiled to himself and was about to text a reply asking whether they were the only ones who missed him, when he saw Lewis walking towards him.

“Oh hey Lewis.”

Lewis stopped by him.

“Hey. Good to see you.”

“You too. Oh I should say; Congratulations.”

“Hm?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“The Championship. Did you forget so soon?”

“Oh right. Yeah thanks. You walking back to the hotel?”

“Yeah.”

 

They fell into step together and a slightly awkward pause descended while both tried to think what to say until Lewis remembered.

“Oh hey I saw about Mark getting that win last weekend and the new contract. That's really great.”

“Oh thanks. Yeah.”

Sebastian nodded, but something horrible seized in his chest as he couldn't help remembering what Mark's re-signing of his contract with Porsche had resulted in.

Lewis frowned at the odd expression on Sebastian's face when he thought he'd come up with something nice to say.

“You alright?” he checked.

“Hm? Oh yeah fine.”

“Is Mark about? I guess I should say congratulations to him.”

Sebastian felt even worse at the reminder that Mark wasn't here. He looked down for a moment and then back up to see how confused his friend looked at his reaction.

“He's not here.”

“Oh?”

Lewis tended to assume Mark always came along with Seb if he wasn't racing himself these days.

“Has he still got stuff with Porsche to sort out?” asked Lewis.

 

Sebastian took a deep settling breath and shook his head before glancing around to see that there was no one around to overhear them.

“No he couldn't come. Not here.”

He looked at Lewis's confused face and Seb realised he was going to have to spell it out. Presumably the kind of complications they faced as a couple weren't something others considered when it didn't affect them. Sebastian stepped in a little closer so he could speak quietly.

“We can't be together here you see.”

He gave Lewis a pointed look and Lewis felt as though he was trying to translate a foreign language in his head. Finally it clicked and his face fell.

“Oh jeez. Oh man sorry. Damn. Me and my big mouth.”

Lewis put his hand on Sebastian's arm looking stricken.

“I'm so stupid. I should have realised.”

Sebastian shook his head feeling oddly reassured by how bad his friend clearly felt about it.

“Hey why would you? It's fine. Well I mean obviously it's not fine, but I mean you're fine.”

“I just didn't think.”

“No. I guess I really didn't either until this year, but...” Sebastian shrugged. “Nothing to be done about it.”

“I guess they're pretty strict here.”

Sebastian could have laughed in other circumstances. 'Strict' was a polite way of putting it.

“Yeah you could say that. It's actually illegal here, so, yeah...”

Seb shrugged.

Lewis nodded, thinking no wonder Sebastian hadn't seemed too thrilled he'd mentioned it.

“That's awful though, really.”

“Yeah it is.”

Sebastian puffed a breath to try to push the feelings away.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Lewis once more.

“Hardly your fault.”

“No but still.”

 

Lewis looked about them as they walked along. Such a modern environment, but the attitudes prevalent in this country were in stark contrast.

“Spose I'd better not put my foot in with the press again.”

“I wouldn't ask you to. I'm not planning on saying anything,” admitted Sebastian. “I mean obviously I'm not okay with it, but I just want a quiet life, you know?”

“Sure,” nodded Lewis.

He looked at Seb and suspected he was about to say the wrong thing again, but ventured anyway thinking it was better to at least let his friend know he could talk to him.

“You must miss him.”

Sebastian noticed it wasn't a question, but he answered nonetheless.

“Yeah I do.”

He sighed heavily, then saw Lewis on the point of apologising again.

“It's fine. I mean it's just a couple of days right?”

“Sure. And then the break.”

“Yeah. We're going out to Australia after this actually,” recounted Seb.

Lewis perked up.

“Oh are you? That's great. Are you going to see Mark's family?”

“That's the plan.”

“Ah well that sounds good at least.”

“Yeah. Mark's going to fly out to meet me after the race and we'll just go straight on from here.”

“Ah I see.”

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“We'll just have to spend an awkward couple of hours feeling paranoid at the airport until we can leave.”

“Right.”

“Sorry. I don't want to moan.”

Lewis shook his head.

“Nah it's fine, really. I mean if you want to talk, or even not, I'm around.”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb. “Actually seeing as I'm not doing much, do you fancy hanging out one night while we're here?”

“Umm sure. Tomorrow night maybe?”

“Yeah that'd be good.”

“Okay well we can sort it out at the briefing can't we?” suggested Lewis, thinking that making plans in advance could get complicated when you didn't know what the weekend was going to bring your way or how busy you were going to be in the garage.

“Sure.”

 

They were back at the hotel now and crossed the busy lobby to reach the lift, pausing their conversation until they were shut in it. Lewis looked to Sebastian.

“I really do have foot in mouth disease. I'm sorry for saying about Mark.”

Seb shook his head.

“You know what, it's nice you asked after him. Everyone in the garage is tactically ignoring the issue. It's actually kind of weird. You don't often get those guys being so polite.”

Lewis smiled and nodded.

“Polite definitely is weird. Ah well, guess they're trying to be sensitive unlike me.”

Seb gave him a smile.

“You really don't need to feel bad about it. It's just a few days. I'll get by and then the season's over thank god.”

“That bad?”

“Just bit much this year you know?”

Lewis thought of all he'd knew Sebastian had gone through this season and suspected he'd feel the same if it were him.

“Sure. Well, good we're nearly into the break then.”

“It really is,” agreed Seb.

The lift pinged open for his floor and Sebastian stepped out and turned back to Lewis,

“See you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah.”

The doors closed on Lewis and he traveled up to his floor left feeling as though for all Seb was nice about it, he'd still upset him by being so clumsy thoughtlessly mentioning Mark. He was such an idiot sometimes. Seb obviously was unhappy he couldn't be here. That had to explain how he'd been. Lewis thought he'd have to take the chance to make it up to him tomorrow night, see if he wouldn't talk some more, or if not at least try to cheer him up a bit.

 

  
  


  
  


Sebastian flopped down onto the bed and let out a puff of breath. Lord only knew what Lewis would make of him. He'd been doing his best not to think about Mark not being here, then one little accidental comment and he couldn't get it out of his mind. It wasn't Lewis's fault he hadn't thought about the complications of being here for them, but still.

Seb let out another settling breath and reconciled that today hadn't really been so bad. Life in the garage was just life in the garage as it ever was. He'd far rather Mark was with him, but he wasn't and no amount of moaning about it would make it so. Sebastian pulled out his phone and decided to reach out for the little bit of Mark he could have.

 

Mark heard his phone ringing and grabbed it up to answer.

“Hey,” began Seb.

“Hey sweetheart. You alright?”

Sebastian smiled just to hear his voice.

“Yeah I'm okay. You?”

Mark stroked Shadow as he pressed into his leg.

“I'm fine darling. Are you done for the day?”

“Yeah I'm back at the hotel.”

“And how did it go at the track?”

“Alright. Early days I guess, but it was okay. What have you been up to?”

“Oh nothing special. Went out for a ride earlier, got drenched, came home.”

Sebastian could hear the smile in Mark's voice. It was such a contrast to think of Mark in the perishing cold getting even colder as he cycled in the rain.

“Oh dear. Well I hope you warmed up properly Liebling. You don't want to make yourself ill.”

Mark chuckled at Seb worrying over him while he'd spent the day worrying over him in turn. His sister was right, they were a good match.

 

“I mean it,” pressed Sebastian.

“I know. You don't need to worry. I had a nice warm shower and now I've got the heating on.”

“Good. It'll be quite a change going from that to being in Australia.”

“I'm sure it's warm enough where you are.”

“True. It'll be nicer when we're out there of course.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark. “Oh speaking of which, I spoke to Leanne earlier.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah just to chat. They're looking forward to seeing us.”

“Me too.”

“It reminded me, so I've been doing some Christmas shopping so we can take presents out.”

“I hadn't even thought of that,” admitted Sebastian.

“Well me neither until today. Anyway that should keep me busy.”

“Right.” Seb paused. “Are they going to be from both of us?”

“Course.”

Mark didn't even think twice about it. Of course the presents were from both of them.

“That's nice. Thank you Liebling. We can do the same with my family.”

“Okay then.”

“Did you speak to Pauline?”

“I did. She's fine to do it.”

“Oh good.” Seb smiled. “We'll have to get her a pretty special Christmas present too.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Too right darling. Anyway she said she thought it was a good idea to have a break and to say hello to you from her.”

“Well say hello back.”

“I will,” agreed Mark. “Anyway back to you. Apart from the garage, how else is it going?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Alright I suppose.”

“You suppose?”

“It's fine really. Same old same old I guess. It's just...” Seb let out a sigh. “I dunno, the media are being fine really. They're going on about the last race a bit, but whatever, I don't care, just...”

“Seb?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I think I'm just being paranoid. I mean I know I am really. It's just when I stood in front of them I kept expecting somebody to say something... about what happened.”

Mark sighed.

“Yeah. No one did though, did they?”

“No. I'm just being paranoid.”

“No darling you're worrying. That's different.”

“I suppose.”

“It's not going to come out,” assured Mark.

“You really think?”

“I do, okay?”

“Okay,” accepted Seb reluctantly.

“Look sweetheart we've been over this.”

“I know, I know. It's just I look at them and every time there's a new question, I worry.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark sat back and looked at the ceiling. Of course Sebastian worried. This was his experience: traumas in his private life being served up as entertaining fodder for the public by an uncaring and rapacious media. He tried to think of any reassuring point he could make.

“Alright sweetheart listen. I know stuff's come out before, but Britta's always at least managed to give us the heads-up hasn't she? You've never been totally blind-sided with something by the press in the pen.”

“I suppose not.”

“So I realise that's not the most comforting thing to think about.”

“No it's good Liebling. That's true.”

Mark couldn't promise him nothing would ever get dug up by the media again. He'd be lying if he told him that, but Britta would at least be working to protect Seb as best she could. That was something.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. That does make me feel a bit better. Britta's been really good. Well she always is really.”

“Of course she is.”

“Anyway, thank you Liebling. That makes me feel less paranoid.”

“Good.”

“And the rest of the time I'm just going to keep my head down and concentrate on my work in the garage and on the track.”

“As if you don't work hard enough anyway?” countered Mark.

“It's better being busy.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark was tempted to tell Sebastian not to work too hard, but keeping his mind occupied and productive was better than worrying about the media.

“Don't worry Mark, okay?” assured Seb, hearing his tone. “They guys are alright aren't they? They like it when I get stuck in.”

Mark smiled. Once apon a time Seb would have worried what his team really thought of him. It was nice to hear him being positive.

“Yeah I know they do. Okay so that's good.”

“And Dan's around too.”

“Doing the same?”

“Pretty much. Actually he seems to spend more time mucking about, but it cheers the place up and I think underneath all that he's paying far more attention than he lets on.”

“I've no doubt that's true,” concurred Mark.

“I've just got to keep going, right?” reminded Seb. “It's what we do.”

“Yeah.”

Mark couldn't argue with that. It was practically their family motto.

“Oh and apart from work I bumped into Lewis on the way back here and we're going to hang out a bit tomorrow night,” continued Sebastian, trying to make sure he found positives so as not to worry Mark.

“Sounds good.”

 

Sebastian was struck by Mark's natural reaction to that being, as ever, only that he was happy Seb was keeping busy. No rules, no permission required, no consequences for Seb doing something without agreeing it with him first. It was wonderful to be so free and so protected at the same time.

“I do love you.”

Mark frowned.

“Where did that come from?”

“Well I always do.”

“Yes, but...”

Seb sighed.

“Just that you're so good. It wouldn't even occur to you to say you didn't like me going off and spending time with somebody else.”

“Why would it? I'm not insecure sweetheart. I trust you. And besides I really don't think you're about to run off with Lewis or Dan are you?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Definitely not Liebling.”

“So why would I worry? You do what you want to. I'm sure hanging out with Lewis will be a nice distraction and if you're happy, I'm happy.”

Sebastian closed his eyes, wondering how it could be that he had got someone so amazing.

“And that's why I love you,” repeated Seb. “Only one of many reasons obviously.”

“Obviously,” smiled Mark. “And just so we're clear. The feeling's mutual darling.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“I can't wait till we're in Australia.”

“Me neither,” concurred Mark. “Just a couple of days, okay sweetheart?”

“Yeah. Just a couple of days.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian got to the end of Friday with the oddest feeling that he was drifting through the weekend. He gave all his best efforts to concentrating on working hard in the garage setting up the car, going through all the details with the engineers and doing his best on track, but none if it really seemed to have too much of an impact on him. The running was going well enough and he wasn't having an unpleasant time with the team, but none of that seemed to matter when all Sebastian wanted was get through it to reach the other side.

They were pretty much running on European times, so that made it easier for calling home, whether it was to Germany or England, although it was more frequently the latter. Sebastian as usual found himself reassuring his family that he was fine, but with Mark he was more honest.

“It's not like I don't care,” Seb tried.

“No of course not.”

“It's just... It's hard to explain. It's more like it just doesn't seem so important.”

Mark nodded at the phone. As long as Seb wasn't getting stressed out, he cared less about how important this weekend was to him in terms of racing.

“It's only free practice isn't it?” offered Mark. “As long as it's going well enough you don't need to worry too much about it.”

“Mm. I think maybe I'm still a bit distracted,” Seb admitted.

“Right.”

“Not in the car. It's not like I'm thinking of other stuff, but once I'm finished working, I just...” he sighed, “it sort of goes away.”

“I see. Okay, well don't worry about it sweetheart. I think it's understandable if this weekend's a little lower on your priority list.”

“Mm. Maybe I've just written it off?”

 

Mark was tempted to tell Seb he could do just that, but saying that so early in the weekend seemed wrong.

“I don't know. Don't stress about it Seb. If you're just going through the motions a bit this weekend it's not the end of the world is it?”

“Mm. Maybe it'll pick up through the weekend. Practice never feels quite as real anyway and it's not like we're doing anything exciting with the car.”

“No new development testing for next year?”

“Nope. They're holding off.”

“Right, well. Like you say it might pick up as you go on.”

“I am trying,” justified Seb.

“I know you are Seb. I've been watching. They're perfectly respectable times and you're in touch with Dan.”

“It's just that I'm not really feeling it. It's like I'm...” Seb paused, trying to think of the right word. “Numb.”

Mark swallowed, feeling suddenly hit by that. Seb had been through too much.

 

“Yeah. Ah sweetheart it's hardly surprising really is it?”

“I suppose.”

“Maybe it's just an unconscious way of coping? Numbing yourself off from getting too worked up about anything?”

Sebastian gave a little smile.

“Have you been talking to Henry?”

Mark smiled sadly, thinking he seemed to spend a lot of time counselling Seb. These days he wasn't sure whether he might not be in need of therapy himself. Not that he could ever imagine spilling his heart out to a stranger like Seb had.

“Not recently. Do you get what I mean though?” he pushed.

“Yeah. Yeah I suppose that makes sense. Do you think it'll come back?”

“I'm sure it will darling. If not this weekend, then after you've had a proper rest you'll be back to normal.”

“'kay. Thanks. I think it might still come back a bit in the race when it feels real.”

“Well as long as you're on your toes either way.”

“I will be. It's not like I'm asleep in the car.”

“No I didn't mean that.”

“It's out of it. When I'm not on show. If that makes sense.”

“It does. Of course it does. Alright mate well whatever, as long as you get through in one piece we won't worry too much about anything else.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian sat back on his little bed in his room at the RedBull base. He couldn't imagine what it would be like not to have Mark to talk these things through with.

“Right, so what's the plan for this evening? Didn't you say you were going to spend some time with Lewis?” asked Mark, changing the subject to try to cheer him up.

“Mm. Yeah I'm gonna go back to the hotel to have a swim, then we're going to get some room service, see what's on TV. Nothing exciting.”

“Sounds good to me. You said going for a swim felt good last night.”

“Yeah. I'd say it clears my head but it feels pretty empty anyway.”

“Well I'm sure that's not true, but if it feels good then I'm all in favour.”

“Swimming makes me feel peaceful.”

Sebastian sounded wistful and far away. Feeling peaceful was all too rare for him reflected Mark.

“Yeah. We'll get the pool done as soon as we can when we're home, right?” Mark vowed.

“Yeah that'll be good. It'll be nice to have that back again,” agreed Sebastian. “Sometimes I just used to float in my old pool and everything else would go away.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Mm.”

Mark wondered again whether Sebastian didn't sound tired, but he said nothing. He didn't want to put him off going swimming if it was something that made him feel better and a bit of socialising with Lewis was no bad thing either. Mark didn't want Seb cutting himself off altogether.

 

“Right well if you're all done why don't you go off and get your swim?” prompted Mark.

“Yeah think I will.”

“And enjoy your evening with Lewis.”

“Thanks Liebling. Oh I forgot to say yesterday; he said well done on the race and the new contract.”

“Oh right.”

Seb could hear the way Mark reacted just the same way he had when Lewis had mentioned it.

“We can't let what happened affect that Liebling. You had a fantastic race and you deserved the win and the new contract is really great. We have to separate that out from, well you know.”

“Yeah.” Mark took a breath in. “Yeah you're right sweetheart. I think we might just need a bit of time to pass first.”

“For everything really,” agreed Seb.

“Mm, true. Okay well one day down. We're getting there.”

Sebastian huffed a dry little laugh. They were both working on the same programme.

“One day down,” Seb agreed. “Okay I'll call you later on before I go to bed, or actually probably from in bed.”

Mark smiled.

“Even better darling. Well I'll speak to you later. Say thanks to Lewis for me.”

“Will do. Love you.”

“Love you too. Speak later.”

They hung up. One day down. Or very nearly so anyway.  
  
  


 

  
  


  
  


Sebastian was sat on the sofa in Lewis's room, food from room service on the coffee table in front of them. As usual they were only drinking water and had nothing more wild planned than kicking back and watching whatever sport they could find on the television.

They chatted for a while about nothing in particular but Lewis wondered whether Sebastian did still seem a little distracted as he had in the drivers' briefing earlier. He wasn't sure whether he would be making it worse by bringing it up again, but Lewis wanted to apologise for his clumsiness the day before.

Lewis glanced over to Sebastian.

“I wanted to say sorry, you know, for being so thick about why Mark's not here.”

Seb put down the bottle of water he was drinking from and shook his head.

“You already apologised and you didn't need to anyway. It's okay.”

“It's not really though is it?”

Sebastian puffed out a breath.

“No. But that's not your fault. It's just the way the world is.”

“Yeah but it's wrong.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It is, but there's not much we can do about it. Look, don't worry Lewis. Believe me, Mark and I have been over and over this. It's just a few days apart, then we'll be in Australia.”

“Well that sounds good. Better than dreary old England in the cold and rain.”

Seb smiled.

“I actually like it.”

“Me too, but still, a bit of sunshine.”

“True. We won't be gone too long, then home and we're both really looking forward to Christmas.”

Lewis nodded, glad to hear Sebastian sounding a bit happier.

“Me too. I'm having the family out to Colorado.”

“Very cool. I'll be at my family's in Heppenheim.”

“Of course. Mark too I presume?”

“Yes of course. We were there last year too.”

“Oh?”

Lewis raised eyebrow.

Seb smiled despite himself. People were always so fascinated by their relationship.

Lewis gave him a nudge.

“So you guys were together then?”

He gave Seb a smile and a teasing flick of his eyebrows.

“Oh, um, well. It's complicated,” admitted Seb, not wishing to lie to him.

“Hey none of my business.”

“No I mean, really. It's complicated. It's actually pretty hard in some ways to put a date on it. I think we were really together for quite a long time before we were together if that makes sense?”

Lewis frowned, wondering what he meant by that.

“Um, not exactly, but... hey man life's complicated, right?”

“True.”

 

An odd expression crossed Sebastian's face and Lewis wondered whether to ask. He was sure something was up with his friend this weekend.

“I'm sure you must miss him.”

“Hm? Oh. Yeah I do.”

“I'm sorry, I'm probably just making it worse.”

“No it's not you. It's just... I could have done without this weekend being right now.”

“Because of Mark not being here?”

“Hmm? No. Well a bit, but that's... it's not why.”

Lewis looked at him. There was definitely something not right there.

“You're alright aren't you?”

  
  


Seb looked back at him. Lewis was a rival and a friend. Sometimes deciding which aspect was more important was tricky.

“Hey I don't want to pry, but... I mean just between us. I wouldn't say anything to anyone,” encouraged Lewis.

Seb remained quiet.

Lewis peered in a little at him, as if that would reveal the problem.

“You're not feeling ill or anything?”

Sebastian sighed and Lewis wasn't sure whether he'd hit on it. Everyone had gone on about how quickly Seb had come back to racing after his terrible accident. It was still less than three months ago that Lewis been to visit Seb in hospital and he still recalled how disturbing it had been to see him seeming so ill and weak. Quite unlike the driver he knew. Even then Lewis hadn't known all that Sebastian had gone through trying to make his recovery until he heard it for himself when Seb was talking to the media in Austin. Maybe he was still recovering?

 

“You don't have to say, but you know if you're thinking about the competition, I mean I've already won the championship,” noted Lewis.

Seb scoffed out a breath.

“Like you won't be trying to win this weekend?”

“No, well, alright, yeah of course I still want to win. You did when it was you.”

“Yeah I guess I did.”

Seb let out another breath, trying to make his mind up what to say.

“Whatever it is I'm not going to use it against you,” promised Lewis. “Are you still not feeling too good?”

Seb paused. He did know that Lewis wouldn't stitch him up or go round telling everyone.

“Yeah okay so, well actually if you want to know I do still get headaches sometimes,” he revealed.

“Really? Shit I didn't realise.”

“Not when I'm racing or anything, just... when I fly it's still pretty bad and at home a few times.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No it's fine. You don't need to feel bad. It's no big deal really. Mostly it's the flying cos of the air pressure.”

“Oh I see.”

“Anyway, like I say it's not a big thing. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. It should get better over time. It's just a side-effect that's taking a while to wear off.”

“So that's why you'd rather it wasn't this weekend?”

“Hmm?”

“You said you'd rather the race wasn't this weekend.”

“Oh.” There was a long pause. “No. it's not that.”

Lewis looked concerned.

“What is it then? Something else?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and looked at him carefully.

“You really won't tell anyone?”

“Of course not.”

“I mean really. Anyone.”

Lewis sat further up, realising that this was something more serious than headaches.

“I promise, alright?”

 

Seb was quiet again for a moment. He took a sip of his drink and Lewis was on the point of vowing once again that he would keep his word when Sebastian spoke.

“Um, okay so do you remember the guy who was stalking me?”

Lewis tried not to look as surprised as he was that Seb was mentioning this.

“Right. The one who spread all those bullshit rumours about you as well?”

“Yeah, him.”

Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes for a second. He could hardly believe he was telling someone this, but a part of him wanted to get it off his chest, at least to someone who was here. Someone who wasn't paid to be nice to him. Seb looked to Lewis and decided he had to dive in.

 

“He came to the house. On Monday, when he knew Mark was away in Stuttgart with Porsche, he turned up on our doorstep.”

Lewis's mouth opened in shock.

“Fucking hell Seb. What did you do?”

“Called the police. He wouldn't leave you see and... he's not a good person.”

Lewis wondered what precisely that meant, but Sebastian had always been so reticent on this subject he knew well enough not to press him.

“He'd waited until he was sure Mark wasn't there and I was on my own. He was watching the house.”

A faraway look had drifted across Sebastian's eyes.

“Jeez. What was he trying to do?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder as he was drawn back.

“Scare me mostly I think. I don't know.”

Seb wasn't sure he wanted to know. He looked to Lewis, realising what he'd said.

 

“You won't tell anyone will you?”

“I won't.”

“You promise?”

Lewis heard a note of anxiety there.

“I promise, alright?”

He put his hand over his heart and looked sincerely at Seb.

“I won't say a word to anyone.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Thank you. Sorry, I know I sound paranoid, but the idea of people finding out. Of it somehow getting into the papers...”

“Not from me. I won't tell a soul,” vowed Lewis.

“Thanks. Anyway, yeah that's why I didn't fly out until yesterday.”

“Why? What happened in the end? I mean you're alright aren't you?”

Lewis looked at Seb as if he might see in him some sign, but Sebastian shook his head.

“No I'm fine really. Anyway the police came and they got rid of him and, yeah, I guess that was that, but it was just... not fun.”

 

Lewis nodded. He suspected that 'not fun' was a hefty understatement. Some crazy guy showing up at your house was pretty alarming and to know that he had deliberately done it when he'd known that Seb was alone was even more worrying.

“Man, that's really bad. Don't you live like right out in the middle of nowhere?”

“Yeah.”

So Seb really had been all alone. Lewis wondered what the full story was, but he couldn't ask. It made more sense of Seb's mood though.

“Anyway I'm alright, but I guess... I dunno the whole thing was pretty unsettling. I was meant to fly here the next day but I put it off. I just wanted a bit of time at home with Mark.”

“I'd imagine he wasn't too happy about it.”

“Huh?”

“Mark. I can't imagine he was happy when he heard that had happened while he was away.”

“Oh.” Seb gave Lewis an acknowledging tip of his head. “Yeah you could say that. I do feel kindof bad. See I rang him and left voice-mails cos he couldn't answer while his phone was off at work and then he picked them up afterwards.”

“Ah.”

“So obviously that worried him pretty badly when he was so far away.” Seb sighed.“He got back as quick as he could, but... Anyway the whole thing was pretty unpleasant all round and having to come here right away isn't exactly ideal.”

 

Lewis nodded. He had a thousand questions, but Seb giving him this much was a pretty big deal.

“No course not. Shit. That's horrible Seb. I'm sorry.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It's over and hopefully the police will have frightened him off for good now.”

“Right. But you're okay?”

“Yeah. He didn't really do anything, just making a nuisance of himself.”

“You don't think he'd try following you here?” suggested Lewis.

Sebastian pulled face.

“God don't be saying things like that.”

Lewis looked guilty. That had popped out straight from his head without him thinking.

“Sorry. I'm sure he won't. Not if the police saw him off. Course not.”

 

Seb puffed and shook his head. The thought had crossed his own mind, but when he had dared mentioning it to Christian he'd found his boss was well ahead of him. Christian informed Sebastian that he'd met with security at the circuit and the hotel to ensure they knew to keep watch. No mention of recent events, Heikki's past history was enough. It had helped reassure Seb, not just that people were watching out for him, but that he wasn't paranoid to think of it. Sebastian hadn't even wanted to mention it to Mark, not wishing to add to his worries when he knew Mark had too many to begin with, but as usual he couldn't keep the truth from him. They each knew that they had to trust that it was unlikely, especially with the level of surveillance here. Sebastian had schooled himself not to spend his time looking out for Heikki. Doing that would only be another way of letting Heikki win.

 

“Security round here are keeping an eye out. Anyway we don't really think he'd try anything now,” Seb explained.

“I'm sure he wouldn't. Sorry. I didn't mean to worry you,” apologised Lewis.

“It's okay.”

Lewis gave a little nod.

“You know what, anyone who spends their time hating on somebody else like that is the one with the problem.”

“Mm.”

Lewis looked at him and risked asking.

“Didn't he used to be your trainer?”

Sebastian looked at the floor, his face frozen to prevent him showing any of the emotion that flooded through him in that instant. Lewis instantly felt bad for questioning him when clearly it was a messy and upsetting matter.

 

“Sorry. It's really none of my business,” he apologised.

Seb looked back up at Lewis pushing all that bad feeling aside.

“No it's okay. I brought it up didn't I? Anyway yeah he did, but I'd rather not go into that.”

“Of course not.”

“Like I say, hopefully it's done with now.”

“Well if the police came, I'm sure it will be. And I'm sure he'd never come here. This place is full of security. He'd never get away with it.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian puffed out the longest breath wondering how on earth he'd had the nerve to tell Lewis such a secret. He was quiet as he thought and Lewis had no idea what was the right thing to say.

“You're alright though?” Lewis checked.

“Mm, yeah. I am. I think all that's over with now.”

“Shit happens, right?”

Seb huffed out a little dry laugh.

“Yeah it does.”

Lewis looked at him sincerely.

“I promise I really won't say anything.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

Lewis nodded. “Well if you ever want to talk. I mean I know it's tricky with how things are, racing and all that, but I think there's stuff outside of that we should be okay with. You can trust me you know?”

“Yeah. Okay thank you and likewise.”

 

Lewis laughed and shrugged.

“I don't have anything like as dramatic to share.”

Seb smiled and nodded.

“My life is ridiculous.”

“Ah, just different. I know you've had a pretty crazy year.”

Seb puffed a long breath.

“I'll say. To be honest I can't wait for it to be over.”

“I'm sure.”

“Good stuff too; Mark, my family.”

“You won some races,” interjected Lewis.

“Yeah guess I did. Not as many as you though.”

Lewis grinned.

“That's true.”

Sebastian shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Next year alright. Hopefully I'll have a simpler time of it and we can have a proper battle for the championship.”

“Yeah. I'd like that actually,” agreed Lewis.

Sebastian reflected on that.

“It's not as good when it's a walkover is it? Winning.”

“It's still good, but... yeah you're right, you want to fight for it. I still want to win, obviously.”

“Obviously,” smiled Seb.

Lewis nodded.

“Just have to hope the cars are competitive then won't we? I'm still trying to catch up to your tally.”

“Okay, to next year then.”

Sebastian picked up his bottle of water and raised it, encouraging Lewis to do the same to chink the bottles together in a 'cheers' motion, sealing the agreement. No rules other than to fight to win. It didn't occur to either one of them to ask the other to ask that they fight fairly. They knew the rules. If you were confident enough in your ability, you didn't consider the need to fight dirty.

Lewis nodded back and hoped he'd done the right thing by pushing Seb to talk. All he'd gone through this year, no wonder Seb seemed happier to talk about next year instead. Lewis couldn't blame him. He changed the subject and decided to keep things lighter. They could just watch the game, forget everything serious for a bit. Hopefully that would help.

 

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


Late in the afternoon on the next day Sebastian stood out the back of the garage on the phone to Mark yet again. Just as he'd predicted to Henry, it felt as though he had spent half the weekend on the phone. Not that Mark minded of course. If he had his way it would be even more often, but he left it to Seb to make the calls, knowing he was busy and Mark was really only pootling around distracting himself with getting things ready to take to Australia and watching the running on TV. Currently he was sat on the sofa with the dogs at his feet, the pre-qualifying coverage muted.

“So you're alright?” Mark pressed.

“I'm fine Liebling.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah I'm okay,” insisted Sebastian.

“Have you seen Lewis today?”

“Hm? Oh just to wave hello to in the paddock and on track obviously.”

Mark nodded. He wanted to feel as if Seb wasn't alone in the paddock. There was the team of course, but a friendly face could make all the difference.

“Are you doing anything with him again tonight?”

“Oh. No he's got some promotional event on for the team.”

“Ah I see. Well never mind. You said it felt good to get a little off your chest though?”

“Mm. Just as long as he doesn't mention it to anyone else,” worried Seb.

“He won't I'm sure. If he's given you his word.”

“Yeah I suppose,” agreed Sebastian, knowing he was allowing paranoia to get the better of him. “I know Lewis isn't a gossip.”

“I think he actually talks to you more than anyone else,” noted Mark.

“Mm that's true.”

“Anyway, don't be worrying about that. Forget all about the media for now. Britta's looking after you isn't she?”

“Yeah course she is.”

It felt as though there was plenty of looking after going on. Christian was keeping close tabs on him and Doc Phillips had insisted on seeing him every day to check he was alright despite them not discussing the actual reason why at any point. The team doctor had tried broaching the topic when he had seen him on Thursday, but Seb had made it only too clear he didn't want to talk. Thankfully there hadn't been any more instances of his headaches since he arrived, so Seb didn't think the doctor ought to have too many concerns, but there was no putting him off checking.

 

“I'm just gonna see what I can get today,” stated Sebastian.

“Okay. Well the car looked pretty good earlier.”

“Mm. Different conditions as it gets dark though.”

“Well, yes true, but no real problems, right?”

“Right. So I'll just see how it goes. I'm not going to get too stressed about it.”

“Okay well yeah, that sounds sensible darling. I'm sure you'll go fine though.”

“Thanks. Did the presents get delivered?”

Mark blinked at the sudden turn in conversation.

“Hm?”

“The Christmas presents you ordered to take out to Aus. Did they come?”

“Well yes. We don't need to talk about that though.”

“I'd rather,” Sebastian confessed.

“Oh.”

Mark furrowed his brow. It seemed odd for Seb not to even want to talk about his driving when they were only minutes away from him getting in the car.

“Tell me what you got for who. Then I'll feel like I got them too,” requested Seb.

Mark gave the dogs a look.

“If you say so sweetheart.”

 

Mark sat back and ran through all the presents he had bought, telling Seb how he hoped they would do even though he had selected them in a hurry. He was alright with most of his family, but teenage girls were a nightmare to buy for so Mark had resorted to asking his sister what exactly he should get his nieces.

“Bit of a cop out I know, but it's better than getting them something they don't want,” explained Mark.

“Absolutely,” agreed Seb. “Okay well that all sounds good. Thanks for including them from me. Make sure you take it out of the joint account won't you?”

“Ah we don't need to.”

“No I'd rather. Then they're really from both of us,” insisted Sebastian.

“Okay if you say so. We'll have to do that same for your family though?”

“Yeah sure.”

 

Sebastian saw Britta out of the corner of his eye. She had come to lurk in the doorway a few feet away, clearly hinting that Seb need to make a move.

“Okay well I've got to go.”

“Oh, okay.”

To Mark it felt far too soon. He hardly felt as though he'd properly talked to Seb about what he was doing at all.

“Alright, so you'll be fine, yeah?”

“Yep.”

“And if you're still not really feeling it, don't worry too much sweetheart,” Mark assured, thinking that even if Seb's heart really wasn't in it at the moment, with his talent he still ought to be able to get a half-decent result. No way was he going to push him and give Seb any more stress in his life this weekend.

“I'm just going to go with what the engineers tell me,” confessed Sebastian.

“Fine, but it's still you behind the wheel darling.”

“I know. I'll have my foot down, don't worry.”

Mark huffed out a little laugh. _Don't worry?_ Fat chance.

“Okay, well good luck. You know I'll be watching.”

Sebastian smiled to himself.

“I'd be pretty crushed if you didn't bother Liebling.”

“Oh as if.”

Sebastian hid a sigh. He missed Mark so badly. Just hearing his voice was lovely, but he wanted him there to tease him and reassure him. He wanted to feel Mark's arms resting comfortingly around him while they had this conversation making him feel stronger, braver, more alive. _Better_ , always better with Mark. It couldn't be though. This was what he had: Mark warm voice, his support transmitted from far away.

 

Britta had come through to find Seb and was stood a few feet away to his side in the doorway, trying to hint that he needed to get a move on. Seeing as Seb was still talking she stopped being subtle and tapped her watch.

Seb tried to finish up. “Yeah I know you'll all be watching. Thank you. I'm glad you're with me.”

“Always.”

“Okay I've really got to go.”

“Alright. Love you. Speak to you on the other side darling.”

“Yeah thanks. Love you too Liebling. I am going to try.”

“Course you are. Even if you didn't, you'd still be better than most of the rest out there.”

Sebastian laughed, feeling better just as Mark had intended.

“Thank you. Ah I miss you Liebling,” sighed Seb.

Sebastian hadn't meant to let it out, but it slipped from his mouth before he could stop it.

Mark closed his eyes.

“Me too darling. Day and a half now, okay?”

“Okay. Right I think Britta's about to drag me away, so I'll speak to you after.”

“Okay. You're going to go great. Speak later.”

 

Seb hung up and hurried over to Britta who shook her head in despair having been thinking that at this rate the session would be over while Sebastian was still saying his goodbyes.

“Sorry.”

Britta said nothing and shepherded him through. Not much point saying anything. No prizes for guessing who Seb had been on the phone to. She knew Seb had been in a funny mood all weekend but then she also knew why. She just had to get him through it, then she could get the holiday Britta was almost as desperate for as Seb was.

 

 

Mark sat forwards on the couch to give the dogs a rub, then grabbed up the remote control to put the sound back on as he saw a shot of Sebastian climbing into his car.

“And there's Sebastian Vettel finally getting ready to go with mere moments until the green light comes on to begin Q1,” came over the voice from the television. “Hard to know what to expect of him today when the RedBulls have been running fairly anonymously all weekend.”

“It's difficult to judge when you don't know what fuel they were running and of course night-time running may be very different,” chimed in a voice Mark recognised as Martin Brundle.

“So basically no one knows anything, but they pay you to keep talking,” noted Mark laconically.

The dogs made no comment so Mark assumed their agreement and sat back to see how it all panned out. What would be would be. Like Sebastian he should just try not to get too stressed about it. As long as Seb was okay, that was the only thing that really mattered.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark was still busy sending Seb text messages when he popped up on his TV screen in the pen for the post-qualifying media session. There was a small forest of microphones being shoved under his nose but only one voice spoke as he looked to camera.

“So Sebastian was eighth all that the car was capable of today?” asked a voice.

Mark frowned. Eighth wasn't so bad. The question pretty heavily implied that they were asking if it was all _Seb_ was capable of.

“I don't know. Dan got fifth, so...” Sebastian shrugged.

“You've done well here in the past,” remarked the interviewer.

“Mm.”

“Your times seemed to pick up significantly in Q3. Did you make changes to the car?”

“A few tweaks to the front wing, nothing major.”

“Did you find the right set-up too late in the day?”

Sebastian thought it was rather more about the fact it felt as though he had woken himself up rather too late in the day, but that was a conversation he would be having with Mark shortly, not the media.

“Perhaps. I guess we'll find out in the race tomorrow.”

“And you're looking forward to it?”

“Hm?”

“The race.”

“Oh. Sure.”

“Last race of the season.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian wondering where the question was.

“You've had pretty up and down results since you've been back.”

“Well I've only had two.”

“Yes I suppose so,” agreed the interviewer. “You'll be wanting to make the most of this final opportunity then?”

'Final' sounded an odd way of putting it to Seb. This weekend felt more like one in a very long list to him, but he merely nodded.

“Of course.”

Sebastian looked at the interviewer and tried to recall her name. Something with an 'R'. He thought it might be Rachel but he wasn't one hundred percent sure. SkyF1 the logos on her shirt reminded him. He did know her, but these day Seb avoided using names unless he was absolutely certain. Maybe he'd have to get Britta to do him a cheat-sheet with pictures? Too late for this year. For the start of the next season maybe? It might help him feel a little more in control of these sessions.

He straightened his cap and Britta took the signal to move Sebastian on.

  
  


  
  


A couple of hours later Seb was done. He walked alongside Britta back to the RedBull base in the paddock. They didn't say much as Seb checked through his phone messages and texted replies promising to call Mark and his family back shortly. As they walked in Britta turned to him.

“Okay then?”

Seb looked up from his phone.

“Hm? Oh. Yeah thanks Britta.”

“Shall I hang on and walk back to the hotel with you?”

“Oh no that's fine. You do whatever you need to do.”

“Okay. Well I'll meet you in the hotel lobby at midday tomorrow then?”

“Sure. We don't need to be earlier?”

Britta shook her head. No media other that which was completely unavoidable, everything restricted to preparation work in the garage and a bit of time with Doc Phillips and Antti to make sure that Seb really was fit and ready for the race.

Sebastian saw the way she was looking at him.

“I'm sorry I've not been... I don't know. I don't suppose I gave very scintillating interviews today.”

Britta put a hand on his arm.

“You did fine Seb. Don't worry about it. Just get a good night's sleep and I'll see you tomorrow.”

'kay. Thanks.”

 

Sebastian disappeared off, already pulling up Mark's number to dial. Britta walked off to the find the room that was serving as Christian's office this weekend. She knocked and entered to find Christian on the phone. She went to back out but he shook his head and beckoned her in with his spare hand.

As soon as he was done Christian put down his phone and indicated to Britta to take a seat.

“Sorry that was Dietrich.”

“Ah. Anything I should know?”

Christian shook his head.

“Just checking up on us,” he reported.

“And what did you tell him?”

Christian shrugged.

“Not a lot he couldn't have gleaned from seeing the quali timesheet: Fair to middling, could improve tomorrow.”

Britta smiled.

“That sounds like a weather forecast.”

Christian laughed and nodded.

“I suppose it does. Race predictions are usually about as accurate.”

“Mm,” agreed Britta. “And what else was he asking?”

“Nothing really.”

“Not about Seb?”

Christian gave her a look. Britta was far too smart to be fobbed off.

“Yeah okay, so he asked how he's faring.”

“And you told him?”

“Well enough. Perhaps not quite on top form, but getting there.”

“You haven't told him what's happened?”

“No.”

They looked at one another across the desk for a moment, both knowing that their ultimate boss wouldn't be too happy if he ever found out what they kept from him, but that was simply a risk they were going to have to take.

“Okay.”

“Need to know basis,” confirmed Christian. “I think we owe Seb that much. Don't you?”

“I do.”

“How do you think he is?”

Britta sighed.

“Hanging in there. Doing better than most would in the circumstances.”

“Same as usual then,” noted Christian.

“Mm.”

Christian nodded.

“He needs the break. We all do.”

“True,” agreed Britta.

Christian let out a sigh.

“You know sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing, encouraging him to come back so soon. He might have been better off waiting and coming back fresh next season.”

“Maybe. We could hardly predict Heikki turning up like a bad penny though could we?”

“Spose not. Ah Seb does seem to be a magnet for drama.”

“Is that fair?” challenged Britta.

“No. Least of all for him. It is true though,” observed Christian. “I don't blame him. It's just how things are. This year especially.”

“Well let's hope to god it's not the same next year.”

Christian cracked a smile.

“God let's. I don't think I could take another year like this.”

Britta smiled back.

“Me either.”

“Well surely the odds are against it. Nobody could have that much bad luck, surely?”

“You'd hope not,” agreed Britta. “Anyway for now we all just need to get through this weekend and we can worry about next year next year.”

Christian nodded.

“I'll drink to that.”

He raised his mug of coffee and Britta mimed raising her own.

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian fell asleep that night feeling as though he had let himself down in qualifying. Mark of course had argued the contrary, telling him not to worry about it, but Seb had to admit to him that the racer's instinct that he had felt had been lying dormant all weekend had only kicked in as he got right towards the end of qualifying.

“Well maybe darling, but at least it did. Isn't that something?” offered Mark.

“Mm. I guess. Suppose I'm lucky I got that far in the first place.”

“Well of course you did. I told you didn't I? Even on automatic pilot you're better than most.”

Mark had the feeling that Seb was running on empty. He was impressed Seb was making it through at all, never mind worrying too much about his results.

“Dan got fifth,” pointed out Sebastian.

“You're not far off.”

“Hmm. But if he got that then I could have got fifth. Shows the car's capable of that.”

Mark sighed. A part of him was relieved to find Seb back to his more normal attitude, but he hated hearing him beat himself up. Maybe the car was capable of a higher position, but Daniel hadn't been through what Seb had only days ago. Hell he hadn't been through any of the ordeals Seb had been through.

“Look sweetheart, there's no point fixating on that. Quali's over. If you're feeling a bit more into it now then that's good isn't it?”

“Yeah I guess so,” agreed Sebastian.

“Mm. I think maybe you just could have done with a few more days rest darling.”

“Yeah maybe.”

Sebastian still thought he could have done without this weekend altogether, but Mark was right. He hadn't wanted to admit it, but Seb had still been feeling wrung out and not himself when he got here. Perhaps if he could have just stayed home through the whole week and only come straight into today? It was impossible of course, but it might have been better.

 

Mark talked him through it all and by the time they ended the call Seb had been feeling a little encouraged and refocused on the race. Mark was right of course; nothing except the race really counted, so now that part of the weekend was over, good or bad, he should forget it and move on. Eighth wasn't a terrible starting slot. Mark had reminded him that a few years back Seb had got third when he'd started from the pitlane. Different times of course, but it showed that no good came from giving up before you'd even started.

Different times. Seb closed his eyes to go to sleep trying not to think about how he had bumped into Kimi in the pen earlier. Literally so. Kimi had been only just heading into the press pen after qualifying while Sebastian had been leaving, having got the chore out of the way as quickly as possible. Kimi hadn't been looking where he was going and as they walked into one another they had already exchanged apologies before Kimi lifted his eyes from the ground and seen it was Seb. He'd looked awkwardly at him, then just given him a nod and Sebastian hadn't known what to say. All he'd ended up doing was staring at the fact Kimi still had his sunglasses propped on his cap despite the fact it was dark by that stage. Kimi's PR person had hustled him on in to mumble at the media and Britta had marched Sebastian in the opposite direction and the moment had passed.

It had only been a brief incident. Nothing really, but on the way back to the hotel Sebastian's eyes had been drawn to look in the direction of the nightclub where he had suffered that terrible experience all that time ago. It felt far longer than two years. Seb pushed those thoughts away. That was all gone. He wished it could have stayed forgotten, but no, it seemed his brain wasn't kind enough to pick and choose the memories Sebastian could do without.

 

As Sebastian fell asleep he concentrated on all the nice things Mark had been saying to him on the phone and let Mark's nice warm voice fill his head, soothing and calm. All other unsettling thoughts were shut out and Seb drifted off.

  
  


 

  
  


Back home Mark filled his evening with making sure everything was ready to go for catching his flight out tomorrow night. His taxi was booked and he'd got plenty of food in for the dogs so it was all there for Pauline when she popped round while they were away. That done he'd eaten and tidied up the kitchen, then found himself twiddling his thumbs. Mark put the television on and tried to watch some mindless Saturday night programming, but he wasn't in the mood for it. All he could think of was Seb and how he was doing. Just one more day to get through and then Mark would be on his way out to meet him.

That thought in mind Mark gave up pretending to watch TV and decided to call it quits, sending the dogs off into the kitchen and going off to bed himself long before ten o'clock. He comforted himself with the thought that this time tomorrow he would be on his way already and Seb's race and indeed the season would be over. Mark dropped off thinking of how soon he would have Sebastian back in his arms where he belonged.

  
  


  
  


 

Mark was fast asleep when he was awoken by a noise incessantly invading his ears. He opened his eyes to see a darkened room, confusedly thinking that it was his alarm going off, but as his brain clicked into gear he realised that it wasn't the alarm. His mobile was ringing. Mark bolted upright and snatched for his phone in a panic, his heart seizing as he saw it was Seb. The time was only just gone midnight but that was four am in Abu Dhabi. That meant something bad.

“Seb?”

Mark heard a short intake of breath.

“Seb are you alright?”

“Sorry.”

“What?”

“I know I must have woken you.”

“Sweetheart don't worry about it. Are you okay?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Mark rubbed a hand through his hair. Seb didn't sound right at all.

“Sorry,” repeated Sebastian.

Mark closed his eyes, worrying about him.

“Darling you don't need to be sorry. It's fine, but why are you calling this late? It must be early hours with you. What's the matter?”

Sebastian sat up in bed with the bedside light on. It felt as though he had considered it for a long time before he'd pressed dial to call Mark, though in truth it had barely been a minute before Seb had reached out for what he'd needed. He let out a shaky breath, still trying to calm himself.

 

“I just had a bad dream Liebling. I needed to hear your voice. I'm sorry.”

Mark sighed. Sebastian sounded upset.

“Nothing to be sorry for okay,” he soothed. “Of course you should call me, alright?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb quietly.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just... I'm okay.”

“Should I ask what it was about?” wondered Mark.

There was a pause and Mark wasn't sure whether he ought to push or leave it. He already had a nasty feeling what it was likely to be.

“Was it about what happened?” he guessed.

Neither of them needed further interpretation to know what he was referring to.

Sebastian took in a slow deep breath.

“No it wasn't that.”

“Oh, okay.”

Mark was just thinking that was something when Sebastian continued.

“It was what happened here. You know, with him and Kimi.”

“Oh I see.” Mark sighed again. “Ah sweetheart, that's not nice is it?”

“No.”

Sebastian bit his lip trying not to cry, but it the fact he was on the edge was all too clear in the shortness of his reply.

“It's okay. It's just a bad dream, a bad memory. It's not now, okay?” soothed Mark.

“Okay.”

“Close your eyes darling. I'm here.”

 

Sebastian did as instructed and bent up his knees, hugging them through the duvet. Mark picked up Seb's pillow from beside him and held onto it.

“I'm holding onto you,” insisted Mark, trying with all his might to believe it was so. “I've got my arms right around you sweetheart.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian took in a wobbly breath. “I wish you really were here Liebling.”

“Me too darling, me too.”

Seb was fighting letting the tears fall but it wasn't possible when he felt so vulnerable.

“I know it wasn't real. It's just... It was so horrible.”

“Of course it was.”

Mark remembered what Sebastian had told him had taken place a couple of years ago back when Seb was in Heikki's clutches; How he had toyed with him and manipulated Sebastian's so-called friend Kimi into helping him torment poor Seb even more, succeeding in destroying what Seb had there so he was left completely isolated. It had been calculated and cold. Mark would never have believed a person could be so cruel, but Heikki had been.

“Ah of course that's upsetting darling. That's a horrible memory, but you know it's not now don't you? It's in the past,” Mark assured.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb quietly.

“Is it just being there that put it in your head?” suggested Mark.

Seb sighed.

“I guess. I bumped into Kimi before.”

“Oh? What did he have to say for himself?”

“Not much. We just passed each other at the pen really that's all. I don't know. I guess that's why it was on my mind,” Seb explained.

“Of course.”

Sebastian leaned further into his bent-up knees and wiped at his eyes.

“I'm sorry. I just needed to talk to you that's all. I know it was just a bad dream.”

 

Mark shook his head. It seemed it didn't matter how many times you told Seb he didn't need to apologise, he wasn't in a place to accept that. He still sounded distressed and Mark wished with all his heart that he could be with him to really hold Seb tight to reassure him and make him feel better. He suspected Seb was crying but Mark didn't want to make it worse by asking.

“Course you should talk to me. It never matters what time it is darling. You can always call me.”

“Yeah.”

Mark thought he heard something unsaid there.

“What is it?”

Sebastian didn't want to say.

“Seb?”

Sebastian let out a heavy breath. He didn't want to make Mark feel bad about it, but not answering felt like lying.

“It's just, in the dream; it was how it was, back then: I was in that bathroom and Heikki had me up against the wall. It was exactly the same; the hard tiles and the light too bright hurting my eyes and I was so afraid. Then the toilet door opened and Kimi came out and...”

Mark stayed quiet, but Sebastian had silenced.

“What?” Mark pushed.

Sebastian's voice shook. “I wanted it to be you. Not Kimi. But it wasn't you. You weren't there.”

 

Mark felt something inside him drop away. He hadn't been there. He hadn't been there for Seb when he needed him.

“I let you down,” Mark choked.

Seb sat up.

“No.”

“Yes darling. That's what it means. I wasn't there for you. I wasn't there when you needed me most.”

Mark's voice cracked and Sebastian felt worse than ever. He shouldn't have told him. He should have kept it to himself and understood it was just a nightmare.

“No. No Liebling. Please, I didn't mean that,” he protested.

“I wasn't there,” repeated Mark miserably. “I'm so sorry my darling. I'm so sorry.”

His face crumpled and tears started falling.

“I let you down.”

Sebastian started crying too.

“No Mark. Please. Please, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said. It's just a dream. A stupid dream. It's not real.”

Seb took in a shuddery breath. He'd upset Mark. Poor Mark who did everything for him. He'd woken him up just to make him feel bad.

 

“I'm so sorry darling,” apologised Mark. “I hate it. I hate that you called and I didn't answer. I hate that I wasn't there for you. I'm meant to protect you. I let you down.”

“No Liebling you didn't. You didn't. You could never let me down.”

“I did though.”

“No. Please Mark, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty. It's just a stupid dream. I shouldn't have said anything.”

Sebastian dissolved into tears, burying his face into the duvet over his knees. Somehow he kept hold of his phone, not wanting to lose his connection with Mark.

 

Mark huffed out a breath. He felt terrible, but he hated even more how upset Sebastian was getting. He puffed another breath and tried to calm things down.

“Course you should have said.”

“It doesn't mean anything,” tried Seb. “It's just a dream.”

“It means you wanted me and I wasn't there.”

“ _Please_ Liebling,” entreated Sebastian.

Mark rubbed his face with both hands and dried it off. He'd let Seb down and that was lodged in his subconscious. That was why Sebastian had that dream. But now he was only upsetting Seb further. He sighed heavily.

 

“Okay, alright sweetheart don't get upset. It's alright.”

“You didn't let me down,” insisted Seb tearfully. “You could never let me down.”

“I just feel so guilty,” Mark confessed.

“No please Liebling. I didn't mean to make you feel that way.”

“I know, I know. I just...”

“He did it on purpose. He made sure you weren't there. That isn't your fault Liebling.”

“I know, but...”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Please Mark. He'd want you to feel this way.”

Mark sighed, knowing Seb had a point. Heikki no doubt would be pleased to know he had hurt not just Sebastian, but them both by his actions.

“Yeah.”

“You could _never_ let me down Liebling,” repeated Sebastian. “That isn't what I meant. You've always been there for me. It's not your fault what happened. He waited until he was certain you were away. How could that be your fault?”

Mark puffed a breath and shrugged.

“I don't know. I just wish I'd been with you.”

“And so do I Liebling, but that doesn't make it your fault. I didn't mean to make you feel bad about it. I really didn't.”

“I know you didn't darling, I know.”

“I just wanted to hear your voice.”

 

Mark sighed. Seb sounded so sad as he repeated that pathetic little wish. Mark couldn't stand hearing how plainly Seb was apologising. Apologising for being upset, apologising for needing him, apologising for making Mark feel bad. What a mess. If he was meant to be making Seb feel better he was doing a pretty poor job of it. The last thing Mark wanted was for Seb to regret calling him.

 

“Yeah. Course you did darling, it's okay. You're right; it's his fault for making us feel this way, no one else's.”

“You could never let me down Liebling. You never have and I know you never will.”

Mark kept the phone tucked between his shoulder and his ear and hugged the pillow a little tighter.

“Thank you sweetheart.”

“I mean it.”

“I know you do darling. I know.”

“Don't feel bad Mark, please don't. I know you would have been there if you could. You came home as fast as you could. That's all that matters. That you wish you could. Don't let him make you feel guilty Liebling.”

Mark let out a long breath.

“Okay.”

“Maybe that's not what the dream even meant? Maybe it was just that I know you would have been there if you could? That I just know you'd never have done what Kimi did.”

“Maybe.”

Mark wasn't entirely convinced, but if that thought helped Seb feel better he would go with it.

“Because I know you wouldn't Liebling.”

“No of course not.”

In his dream Sebastian had known that. He'd looked towards the opening door and wanted Mark to appear. Then Mark would have come over and hauled Heikki away and saved him.

“If you'd been there you would have stopped him,” stated Sebastian.

“Hm? Where? In the dream or on Monday?”

“Either. Both.”

 

Mark suddenly had an image of himself being in that bathroom. Maybe in the next cubicle along from Kimi by some weird coincidence. Kimi walking away and abandoning Seb. Mark was certain to the depths of his soul that he could never have done the same.

“I think I'd have sent him into the wall,” Mark let out.

“Hm?” Sebastian frowned at the abrupt comment.

“Sorry sweetheart. I know I shouldn't say it, but even all that time ago if I'd seen him do that to you I don't think it would have been pretty.”

Mark couldn't bear the idea of the stronger picking on the weaker. The whole point of being bigger and stronger was that your job was to protect those who needed it. That was the way he'd been raised. Mark could never understand why there were those in the world who didn't see it that way around. He was sure that if he had come across Sebastian suffering in that way, even before they were friends, he could never have allowed it to stand.

“I wish I had been there back then Seb. I wish I'd known sooner and I could have stopped it somehow. I still wish I'd done more the minute I did find out in Brazil,” he confessed.

“You didn't know the whole story then,” allowed Seb.

“No, but I knew enough.”

“I didn't give you chance did I? I was too afraid to Mark. But you saved me anyway. You saved me the instant you walked through that door and didn't walk away. You've never walked away. No matter how tough it's got. No matter how difficult and painful. You've never walked away.”

“How could I?”

Sebastian huffed out a dry little laugh.

“Oh Liebling you've no idea how special you are. It wouldn't even occur to you would it?”

“To walk away?”

“To stop trying. To stop caring. To think it wasn't your concern to help me. To help anyone who needed it. You're such a good guy Mark. You don't think of yourself. You only think of others. You're not just my rock. You're everyone's. You've been so good with my family.”

Mark shrugged. He didn't think he'd done anything special.

“Well I don't know what else I should have done.”

Sebastian didn't know when he'd stopped crying but he had. He wiped at his face with the duvet and rallied himself.

“Exactly Liebling. That's kindof my point. It's just what's natural with you. I didn't even realise there were people like you in the world.”

  
Mark closed his eyes. He wished he could be with Seb now. He wanted to be sure Sebastian wasn't still crying. He wanted to stroke his cheek and run a thumb under his eye to dry them. He want to stroke Seb's hair and hold him close. He wanted to feel Seb's heart beating beneath his chest and keep him close until he was sure it had slowed and Seb was okay.

“Mark?” pressed Sebastian getting no response.

“I just wish I was with you darling that's all. You think I'm special? I think you're incredible Seb. I told you you saved me too, but you keep on saving me. Maybe it's terrible to say it, but in a way you saved me on Monday too. I still wish I'd been there, but if I had darling, I'm not sure I'd have been able to be like you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the way you are. What you did. He treated you so badly, so horrifically, and you my darling feel _sorry_ for him. Have you any idea how remarkable that makes you?”

Seb didn't know what to say so Mark continued.

“You don't want revenge. You don't want him to suffer. You just wanted him to go away.”

“Well of course.”

“No darling, not 'of course'. Not everyone would have been like that. Even me. I'm not saying I want to take revenge on him now. I want him to disappear, but if I'd been there that day I don't know that I could have been like you sweetheart. I know it's bad, but just the same I think I would have wanted to crack his skull.”

“You're not violent Mark.”

“No but... He might have pushed me over the edge. You saved me from that darling. I don't want to be the sort of person who would do something like that, but if he'd done anything to you...”

 

Mark trailed off and they lapsed into silence. Seb couldn't imagine Mark doing anything like that, but maybe if it had come to that? Maybe if Heikki had tried to hurt him? He could just about see Mark laying into Heikki if he felt he had to in order to protect him.

“Would you really?” Seb asked.

Mark sighed.

“I don't know darling. I don't want to think of it, but if I'd been there, or I'd come home and he'd done anything to hurt you... I might have snapped.”

“I can't really imagine you being like that,” countered Seb.

“No darling and I don't want you to, but I'm just saying you saved me from that okay? By being so brave and standing up to him on your own, you saved me from being faced with anything like that. Do you see what I'm saying?”

“Oh.”

“I'm not saying I want to be violent,” emphasised Mark. “I'm not saying I'm going to go looking for him. He's gone and good riddance, but that's thanks to you sweetheart.”

Seb paused and thought about it.

“You shouldn't feel guilty then.”

“Hm?”

“If it's best in a way that you weren't there, then you can't feel guilty about it,” proposed Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh realising he'd snookered himself with his own arguments.

“Spose I can't mate.”

“I mean it.”

“I know you do darling.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and held it for a while before letting it out slowly. He was doing better these days, but he knew he still worked himself up into a state about things.

“Thank you.”

“Alright then.”

Seb puffed another breath.

“What time is it with you sweetheart?” asked Mark.

Sebastian checked.

“Twenty past four.”

Mark sighed unhappily.

“You've got a race. You should be asleep.”

“I know Liebling but I had to talk to you.”

“Yeah, I just wish you hadn't had to right now, that's all.”

“Oh. Well yeah.”

“You should go back to sleep.”

“Mm.”

Seb thought if he had Mark really with him he could manage that, the physical contact always worked wonders with him, but he felt far too churned up now to settle alone. He needed something to soothe him from the inside out.

 

“I think I might go for a swim,” proposed Sebastian.

“What _now_?”

“Yeah. It makes me feel better. Just being in the water makes me feel calmer.”

“You need your sleep though sweetheart.”

“I don't think I could sleep now. I'll just lie here thinking too much. I need to let it all go away.”

“I see.”

“I'm not meeting Britta until midday Liebling. I'll just go down to the hotel pool for twenty minutes, clear my head and then get some proper rest for a few hours.”

“You're sure you won't fall asleep in the water?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh at him fretting.

“No. The whole point is I'm too awake right now.”

Mark nodded. That sounded reasonable.

“Alright then sweetheart. Just for twenty minutes?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay well whatever makes you feel better. As long as you're properly rested for the race.”

“I'll be alright.”

“Okay. You go do that then.”

“Will you be alright?” checked Seb.

Mark smiled. Technically he could sleep through the next twelve hours before he needed to be up to watch Seb race.

“I'll be fine as long as you promise to call me back after your swim.”

“Oh?”

“I just want to know you're okay and going back to sleep, that's all.”

“Of course.”

“So you'll call me?”

“Don't you want to go back to sleep?”

“I won't if I'm worrying about you.”

Sebastian nodded. They were as bad as each other.

“Okay Liebling I'll call you when I'm back up. Then we'll both know we're okay and we can go back to sleep.”

“Good. Have a nice quiet swim then sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I don't suppose there'll be many others in there.”

“It'll be open?”

“Course.”

“Right then. Speak to you in a bit.”

“Yeah.”

 

They hung up. Sebastian to climb out of bed and find his things to go down to check that the pool really was open all hours. Mark to flop back in bed staring at the ceiling for a few minutes before pulling himself together and getting up as well. He didn't like the idea that there was any chance he could fall back asleep and Sebastian ring and not wake him. Mark turned the volume on his phone up to full just to make sure, then pulled on some clothes to go to the bathroom to wash his face. He went downstairs into the kitchen, accidentally waking the dogs when he switched on the light. They rushed over to push into his legs and Mark dropped down to rub their fur and praise them.

“My good good boys. You looked after Seb for me didn't you? Course you did.”

Mark ruffled their hair and the dogs happily fought for attention. Shadow then Simba rolled on the floor offering up their bellies for rubbing. Mark laughed as he obliged.

“Yeah, there you go. Doesn't take much to make you happy does it?”

Mark gave them another rub and felt his mood lift at how affectionate the animals always were. If it had been light he might have copied Seb's idea and taken a little exercise to restore himself but it was pitch-dark and freezing out. A walk with the dogs would have to wait until morning.

Sometimes he found himself thinking that it might be simpler to be like them, to live a life uncomplicated by human emotion and all life threw at you. It was a nice idea sometimes when it all got too much, but Mark knew he didn't really want that though. That would be a life without Seb and that didn't bear thinking about.

 

He gave them one last rub then got up and put the kettle on to make himself a cup of tea to kill time and to soothe himself a little. Sitting at the kitchen table Mark drank his tea and tried not to go over everything in his head. The dogs pressed back into him and Mark smiled to see them both put their chins on his thigh to attract his attention again. They were looking up at him with such big eyes. Mark stroked their ears and comforted himself that even if he hadn't been there on Monday to protect Seb at least these guys had been.

 

As promised, twenty minutes later Mark's phone blasted into life and he grabbed it up to answer without even looking to check it actually said Sebastian's name.

“Hey sweetheart.”

“Hey Liebling. You're still up then?”

“Course. I said didn't I?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you back in bed?”

“Mm.”

“And you got a swim I presume?”

“Yeah. Well mostly I did a lot of floating.”

Mark smiled, thinking he couldn't wait until they had the pool here and Seb could float to his heart's content if it made him happy.

“Sounds good. Did it make you feel better?”

“Yeah. I was thinking.”

“Good thinking?” pressed Mark gently.

“Mm, yeah, good.”

“Do you want to talk or just go to sleep?”

“Could you just... If you're not too tired, could you just talk to me for a bit while I get back to sleep?” requested Sebastian. “Nothing serious, not...”

“I understand,” interrupted Mark, realising that if they got stuck into it all again they would only succeed in working themselves back up when they'd both spent the last twenty minutes specifically attempting to do the opposite.

“Of course we can do that,” Mark agreed.

“Are you in bed?”

“Hm? Oh no I came downstairs. I'm sat in the kitchen with the dogs. They say hello.”

Sebastian huffed out a gentle laugh.

“Hello boys.”

Mark looked at the dogs and gave them a ruffle.

“Seb says hello.”

He gave them a last rub and pointed at their baskets for them to lay down.

“I'm going to go back up now,” Mark explained.

“Oh okay.”

 

Mark was in the hall and making his way up the stairs.

“What do you want to talk about sweetheart?”

“I don't know. Anything. Anything that's not racing, not... you know.”

“Yeah okay. Hang on I'm just gonna get back into bed.”

There was a pause and Sebastian pulled his own covers around him as he waited.

“Okay I'm back.”

“Are you in bed now?” checked Seb.

“I am. Wishing you were with me darling.”

“Me too.”

“Okay. Not long now. A little over twenty-four hours, right?”

“Right. I can't wait.”

“Me neither. Alright then, what shall we talk about?”

Mark was racking his brain. He'd already told Seb all about the presents he'd bought and how much his family were looking forwards to seeing them.

 

“Anything Liebling. I don't care. What's the weather like at home?”

Mark smiled as he settled against the pillow.

“Miserable.”

Sebastian found himself smiling at that too. The way Mark said it with such feeling and yet as if he was almost happy about it.

“I prefer it,” replied Seb.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It's got character. Out here in the desert it's so dull. I like the seasons at home.”

“Me too. Okay so here's something: I saw the news earlier and they're predicting a cold winter.”

“Are they?”

Mark closed his eyes, oddly wanting to cry again at Seb sounding so pleased at the prospect. He knew what Seb wanted.

“I can't promise you snow sweetheart.”

“Yeah but maybe.”

“Yeah maybe. That'd be nice wouldn't it?”

“It would. Really Christmassy.”

Mark let out a happier sigh.

“Shall we talk about Christmas?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark settled down and started telling Seb all about the little plans he'd been hoarding away in his mind. How big their Christmas tree was going to be and where he knew a place you could get real trees fresh from a plantation not too far off, far better than store-bought ones. How they were going to give over a whole day to decorating it, just as Seb pleased and how the dogs would be on their very best behaviour.

“We should buy them something to distract them,” proposed Seb.

“Hm?”

“The dogs. So they're less likely to go for the tree.”

“Oh, yeah good idea, something shiny to play with.”

“Yeah. Though to be honest Liebling I don't think I could tell them off now, no matter what they did.”

“No. Me neither. Alright well that's a good idea. And we'll decorate the whole house, even if outside might be a bit of a tip by then,” continued Mark.

“Huh?”

“The builders will be here working on the extension.”

“Oh. Course. When are they starting again?”

“About two days after we get back. Just to break ground, otherwise we'll end up putting it off.”

“Yeah no that makes sense. Okay, but inside will look nice.”

“It will. We'll have to buy more stuff.”

“Decorations?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian smiled as he imagined that. Mark's idea of a good time wasn't exactly a shopping trip, but he'd do it for him. Mark would let him buy every sparkly bauble and bit of tinsel Seb wanted just to make him happy. Wasn't that lovely to know?

 

“Thank you Liebling.”

“I haven't done anything yet.”

“Yes you have.”

Mark was about to protest when he heard the sleepy sigh Seb let out.

“Are you tired now darling?”

“Mmm.”

Sebastian rubbed his cheek against the pillow drowsily wishing it was Mark's nice solid chest instead.

“I'll let you go to sleep then,” suggested Mark.

“No. Stay Liebling. Please. Just talk. Tell me about Christmas when you were little. Was it weird that it was hot instead of snowy?”

Mark smiled.

“Not to me. Okay, well I guess it was pretty different to yours. I never quite understood how Santa's sleigh was meant to work without snow, but he always seemed to make it round.”

 

Sebastian smiled and closed his eyes as Mark went on, telling him all about his family and how they'd spend the holidays when he was a child. It was like walking into a faded photograph, tinted at the edges and dappled with age. Seb listened to it all, picturing a skinny little Mark running around in sandals and shorts on the dusty soil, mucking about with his sister and his cousins in the bright sunshine. Seb drifted away wondering if Mark would have let him play too if he'd been there. If they'd have got on and been friends. Surely Mark would have been kind to him? A strange little blonde-haired boy with a funny accent who just wanted to belong. Seb thought Mark would have been kind. Mark was always kind. Sebastian slipped away to join in their games, Mark's skinny arm over his shoulder welcoming him in.

It was a far nicer dream than his previous one. It didn't cross Sebastian's mind to realise that he wouldn't even have been born then.

  
  


“Seb?”

Nothing came back but the sound of steady breathing.

“Are you asleep sweetheart?” asked Mark quietly.

Mark smiled as he got no reply.

“Good,” he whispered. “No more bad dreams now my darling. Sleep safe. I love you.”

Mark disconnected the call with a soft sigh and put the phone down on the pillow a few inches from his ear. Just in case.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>   
>  As usual I run on, so part 2 is yet to come. I've been beavering away while I can (gonna be busy for the run up to Christmas, so I don't know how often I'll be able to write), so let me know and I'll hurry up getting the next bit up.


	110. Arabian Nights - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here we go; the final race of the year...

* * *

 

  
  


Sebastian lay on his little bed in his room at the RedBull base. He needed to get changed into his race-suit in a minute but not just yet. They'd just done the drivers' parade and he could go straight down to the garage to go over their plans for the race, but Seb didn't think much was likely to have altered since they went through everything yesterday after qualifying and he'd already spent some time with the engineers earlier today.

He'd been cleared by Doc Phillips and stretched and pulled and poked about by Antti and both seemed satisfied that he was good to go for the race. He'd done everything he really needed to, so Sebastian could take ten minutes now, just to chill out and get himself in the right frame of mind. He'd read through Mark's letters more than once today and now they were neatly folded up and restored to their place in Seb's race bag. He'd spoken to his family and Mark and sent and received texts from both Jess and Jenson whom Mark had told him knew the situation as far as Monday went. Sebastian couldn't mind about that. They were friends and he could trust them. He had already sent Jenson a text the other day saying thank you for helping get Mark home from Stuttgart and Jess had sent him some very sweet messages to cheer him up this weekend.

Seb tried to make his mind go blank but it wasn't really working. Maybe if he closed his eyes that would help, but Sebastian was too worried that he might accidentally fall asleep. Not that he was particularly tired. He'd managed to get a good few extra hours after his interrupted night, but it always felt like a risk when Mark wasn't here to keep watch for him. Britta would no doubt come and knock on his door if he wasn't down to meet her, but it wasn't the same.

He sighed and stretched himself out like a cat on the bed, reflecting on how odd it felt to have all this space and not be squashed up with Mark on here. He'd prefer to be squashed. Seb sighed, wishing Mark was lying here with him, holding on tight so they didn't fall out and the pair of them laughing about that, imagining the excuse that the team would have to come up with if Seb accidentally injured himself falling out of bed with Mark.

“Imagine the headlines,” said Sebastian out-loud to no one.

He smiled to himself, but a part of Seb was sad again that Mark wasn't there to come up with the actual headlines to tease him and make them both laugh again.

He wanted Mark to hold on tight around him and then sneak in a tickle just to take their minds off thinking about the upcoming race. He wanted to try to get Mark back and not mind that he always seemed to lose out in those battles. He wanted to find his own way of winning by distracting Mark with a kiss and the pair of them be in danger of forgetting there was a race to forget about. He wanted Mark.

 

Sebastian let out a heavy sigh and forced himself to sit up and stop moping. Better to get changed and go down to the garage, even if there really wasn't anything to do. He could hang out with the mechanics and get underfoot as they prepped the car while he listened to their jokes and tried to join in.

They were good guys. The more Seb thought about it the more he realised that the garage had always been a safe place for him. Even when he'd not been entirely sure about the team's real attitude to him they'd never been anything other than supportive and since his accident Seb was sure they were even more keen to welcome him in. Surely Heikki would never dare coming near a track again? If anything happened Sebastian was pretty sure the guys would stick up for him.

They'd never discussed the matter but the team had to know his history now. The public version anyway. One advantage of knowing the speed of the gossip-mill round here had to be that if Heikki were ever spotted lurking about a circuit these days, everyone would hear about it within five minutes of a sighting. Never mind security and CCTV, he had his very own little public warning system. There had to be some advantages to living in the village that was the F1 paddock.

 

Sebastian got changed and bounced back a reply to his brother's text telling him he was going to the garage and promising to wave if he saw a camera. Seb headed on down and found Britta sipping a coffee in hospitality waiting for him.

“You ready to go then?”

“Yeah but you finish that. No rush,” offered Seb.

Britta smiled and shook her head.

“I'll be needing the loo. Right let's get going then.”

They headed out into the thronging paddock to reach the garage that was a hive of activity. He spoke to Christian and chatted to his guys, trying to make sure that he was totally clear in his mind about all the plans. Dry running from mid-field. He basically had to try for a half-decent start, avoid any trouble and hope that strategy and making an effort in the race could get him a reasonable result today. Points would do. He'd take that.

  
  


 

Not much later Seb was out the back of the garage on the phone to Mark again. Mark listening to him run through the strategy just so Seb could test himself to know he was all prepared.

“You sound all good mate,” assured Mark.

“Mm, yeah. Over-taking's tricky here, but you never know.”

Mark smiled to hear a bit more optimism in Sebastian's voice.

“You certainly don't. Especially not with you.”

“Well maybe.”

“Pitlane to third sweetheart.”

“Well I had the car then,” countered Seb.

“She's not been going badly though.”

“True.”

“You sound better than you have all weekend you know?” noted Mark.

“Oh? Well it's definitely feeling real now. So I think that's helping.”

“Good. So you'll be on it in the race.”

“I'll do my best,” confirmed Seb.

“All anyone could ask.”

“I do feel a bit better. It's funny. I was thinking earlier, Heikki'd never be stupid enough to come to a track these days, he'd never get away with it now.”

Mark frowned at him bringing that up. He didn't really want Heikki anywhere near even Seb's thoughts this close to the race.

“You don't need to be worrying about that,” counselled Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“I'm not. That's kindof my point.”

“Oh. I see. Well that's good then.”

“I just had a bit of time to myself before and I was thinking about it.”

“Right.”

“But in a good way.”

“Well just so long as you're feeling alright about it.”

Sebastian nodded to himself.

“There's something else too, that I wanted you to know.”

“Oh?”

“Last night. You said you weren't there and I know you feel bad about it Liebling, but I want you to know that you _were_. You were with me. Not just that you help me not to feel alone, but really with me. Before I opened the front door I looked at my fish and it gave me courage Liebling. You gave me that. I was wearing your hoody and that felt like a shield around me, and I had the dogs of course and they protected me. You gave me all those things Mark. You _were_ with me. I was strong enough to face him because of you and all you've done for me.”

 

Mark sat back and puffed a breath.

“I don't even know what I'm meant to say to that sweetheart.”

“You don't have to say anything Liebling. You just need to know it. You've nothing to feel guilty about. You don't need to worry. I'm doing okay.”

Sebastian sounded so sure of himself. Mark strangely felt as if he wanted to cry.

“I'm so proud of you darling.”

Seb smiled and leaned back against the wall.

“Thank you. I do miss you.”

“Me too darling. Just a few hours until I'm on my flight out to meet you and then not long until we're back together.”

“Yeah. Can't wait.”

“Me either. Right then. Time's ticking. Shall we do our hug and I'll let you get on?” offered Mark.

“Yep.”

They closed their eyes for a minute to feel it, then Mark broke the silence.

“You're going to go great today. I'm certain of it.”

“Are you?”

“Yep. The boys told me earlier.”

Seb laughed.

“They told you?”

“Well they definitely had a look about them. They seem confident.”

“Oh well must be true then. Did they see me wave from the parade?”

“They did darling. So did I.”

“Good. Okay well I've got to go. Are you all set ready to leave for the airport.”

“Stuff's all by the door. I've got a while after the race till I need to leave and you can still call me at the airport.”

“Yeah okay then. Right, speak to you later then Liebling. Love you.”

“Love you. Good luck.”

“Thank you. See you soon.”

“See you soon.”

 

Sebastian forced himself to hang up and walk back through. He was just pulling his bag out to slot his phone away when he got a text message and laughed at the picture: Mark had sent a shot of the dogs sat in front of the television.

MARK: The boys are all set. They say you're looking good.

Seb quickly replied.

SEB: Glad to know I've got my supporters. Give them a rub from me. Love you.

MARK: Always. Love you too darling. Go for it today. The dogs have good instincts.

Sebastian smiled and put the phone away. He walked over to the car and gave her a look over even though he knew she was all set. A hand dropped on his shoulder and Sebastian turned to see Christian stood there.

“All set?” he asked.

“Yep I'm good. Just spoke to Mark.”

Christian nodded. He wasn't going to say he and the whole team were familiar with Seb's routines by now. He wondered if Sebastian never noticed the way everyone avoided the back of the garage when they knew he was out there.

“Good stuff. I just said to Dan, we've a fair chance today; solid points, maybe more if things go our way.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Have you lit a candle to the racing gods?”

Christian chuckled.

“Worth a go. Right then, I'll see you on the grid.”

Sebastian nodded and went to find his helmet and gear. He set them all straight and carefully put them on, thinking over what had been said. He did have a fair chance today. Last race of the year, he might as well give it his all. If you were going to race, race.

He turned to the car and spotted a camera homing in on the garage and more specifically him. Seb smiled inside his helmet and gave the camera a wave. Nobody could hear the muffled whisper.

“Hello boys, hello Mark, hey Fabe, everybody. See what I can do today.”

  
  


Back home the dogs rushed up to the television screen barking happily to see Seb. Mark smiled and didn't tell them off. He waved back.

“Good luck darling.”

  
  


In Heppenheim Fabian turned to his parents and smiled happily.

“That was for me. He promised.”

His mother nodded.

“Very good dear.”

She looked on as her eldest boy climbed into the car and sent up a prayer that she would see Seb safely climb out again at the end. It was the only result Heike really cared about.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian sat in the car with his heart pounding in his chest, the blood thrumming round his veins and his eyes fixed on the row of lights ahead. Engine revving, cars all around him. No doubt how real this all was now. To some people this might have been unnerving, but to Seb it was the most familiar situation in the world. Yes he was nervous, but it was a good kind of nervous; One of anticipation and possibility. All weekend had been building up to this and Sebastian felt more awake than he had done in days, his whole body teed up ready to go. He didn't look around him, Seb was focussed dead-ahead, controlling his foot on the pedal ready to go.

  
  


  
  


Mark felt as though he aged another couple of years as he watched Seb shoot off like a rocket at the start. By the end of the long first straight he was already ahead of Hulkenburg, then asRäikkönen swung out wide into the first corner Sebastian was past him too. Seb would have been right behind his team-mate, but Dan had made a cracking start as well and was up into third position, so now the two Williams cars lay between them.

While Mark was getting enough breath back to say well done, Sebastian was working to chase down the cars in front. Christian came on the radio to congratulate both his drivers but as the race settled down after the start it became apparent that they had just witnessed what might be the best of the action for a while. Sebastian put his foot down, but every time he got close around the bends the Mercedes engined cars ahead pulled away again on the straights. Even when DRS became available it wasn't enough to give him chance to get by and soon the event descended into a dull procession. It wasn't impossible to over-take here but it wasn't easy and right now everyone seemed to looking at the long game.

Mark had to confess there was a part of him that was grateful things had settled down as he allowed himself to sit back a little and give the dogs a reassuring rub. Seb was in sixth. That was great as far as Mark was concerned. He just needed to have a solid day today.

As the sun slowly set Mark found himself looking at the spectacle of it all as the FOM cameras pulled back to show the scenery around the track with its pristine ultra-modern architecture contrasting with the palm trees reminding them that they were in the desert of the Middle-East. It was beautiful in its own way, but it was never going to be somewhere Mark could have particularly warm feelings towards when they rejected who he was.

Mark put that thought aside and instead admired the way the fabulous Yas Marina hotel arching right over the track lit up in the falling darkness, shimmering with changing colours of the LED lights glowing in each pane of the futuristic building. It was all very impressive, but artificial, just like the rest of the immaculate, still new circuit; all perfectly neat lines and curves, strangely austere and sanitised. Mark kept one eye on Seb's steady progress while thinking that he'd prefer less neatness and a bit more atmosphere.

 

Towards the back of the field there was a little more action, but Mark didn't care as long as it didn't affect Seb. Up front Nico and Lewis were trying to fight one another, but so far the status quo remained. Mark had to respect how Lewis was refusing to give up racing despite the fact he technically didn't need the result. Of course that was what made him a winner in the first place. Mark knew Sebastian had always been the same. It didn't matter that Seb might have already sealed a world championship back when they were racing together, Mark always knew that Seb would hand him nothing.

On the upside that meant that if he beat him, it made the win all the sweeter, but generally the result had been the other way around. He may not have come out on top in their time racing one another, but Mark could take something from the fact that he had been up against the very best. He knew he had nothing to be ashamed of. Mark had got what he could. All a long time ago. Mark had moved on now, but it lent perspective on everything he watched. If Seb was sitting in sixth it was because the best he could get right now. Plenty of laps left to go.

 

 

In the car Sebastian was talking to his engineer, checking that they were still on course. Pit-stops had come and gone, but so far their attempts at making jumps via strategy had come to naught as all the teams towards the front seemed to working along the same lines. At least he hadn't lost any places, that was something. He just had to hang in there.

  
  


Mark was thinking much the same as the race dragged on. Sometimes that was just the way things were around this track. On television it looked as if there were acres of space to over-take, but in real life that wasn't quite how it worked. He listened as Sebastian came on the radio to the team asking when the next pit-stop was due and if there was anything they could do to get ahead. Mark could hear some frustration in his voice, but in a strange way that was good. It meant that Seb wasn't satisfied with sitting where he was all day. For all Mark had told him it was fine that this weekend didn't matter too much, Mark was encouraged to hear that Sebastian still cared.

It wasn't do or die though for Seb, not today, and Mark thought that was a balance he could live with. Seb was far too sensible to go kamikaze into a corner with no room, on the off-chance that he might bully the opposition out of the way like some young drivers Mark could think of. He judged his moments and used his experience. Right now there was nothing there on the table, so Sebastian was preserving his tyres and fuel and giving himself options for the future should the chance arrive.

  
  


Only three laps later Mark was even more glad that Sebastian was driving with a degree of caution as he watched the two Saubers aim for the same inch of tarmac and inevitably come a cropper. Mark shook his head as the broadcasts of each driver was played out, both blaming the other. He was thankful that both were okay, but the cars were ruined and all that over twelfth place. Monisha was going to be furious no doubt, but as the safety car came out to allow the marshals to do their job clearing up, there was a flurry of action as the rest of the field appreciated that an opportunity had been gifted to them.

Sebastian was listening intently on the radio as he was informed that the team were going to stack their drivers in the pitlane. It was a risky move, particularly for Sebastian as he was the second driver and would have to wait in place while Dan's car was serviced, losing precious time while the team moved as fast as they could to whizz Daniel on his way. If it worked they would have made the most of an opportunity. If there was a problem with Dan's pit then Seb was screwed.

A lap passed before Seb pulled up to an abrupt halt a few feet behind his team-mate. They knew that the safety-car was unlikely to last long as the crash had been by F1 standards a fairly neat one with the cars remaining largely in one place, merely no longer drivable. All they had to do was get them off track and out of the way to allow racing to resume.

With only twenty laps left to go this was their last stop, their final chance to do something with strategy to shake up the race. Dan shot off as soon as he could and Sebastian jumped into his place in the box. Up and down the pitlane other teams were trying the same trick and cars shot past him as Sebastian sat there for seconds that felt like minutes as the tyre-guns whirred and the mechanics thrust new tyres onto the car while the old ones disappeared in a blur.

Seb had lost track of who was where around him. He knew that some of the cars that had gone by him back out onto track were lapped cars who really didn't count, but just before he bolted away from the RedBull pit he'd seen a white car in his rear view mirrors and Sebastian knew that was one of the Williams they had been hoping to jump. He had no time to look more closely as the light changed and Seb leapt out of the box to set off again. He drove the car neatly through the strange tunnel exit, not wanting to take any risks in the enclosed space, then as Sebastian slotted back out on track he took a moment to get back into the flow of things, sitting in the steady train of cars behind the safety car.

“Where are we?” he asked, still trying to work out who he had seen in the pits.

“Fifth. Williams kept Bottas out, he's in front. Massa pitted a lap after you, he's dropped to ninth. Dan's stayed fourth.”

Okay, thought Sebastian. Fifth wasn't bad. It was a bit annoying to know that if he had been pitted ahead of Daniel he would have gained the crucial few seconds required to leap-frog both Williams, but Dan was the lead RedBull and that was just how it worked. The team were never going to intentionally disadvantage the driver in front unless there was a real championship matter at stake. It did put the field close together, so Sebastian concentrated on staying in touch, thinking about what might be possible on the re-start. At least his team had been decisive. Seb suspected there had been some hesitation in the next garage down. If Williams had split their strategy then most likely one, or possibly even both were likely to lose out.

  
  


Mark watched from home, wondering when the safety car would be in and listening as the television played out Felipe's furious radio message, berating his team for failing to pull him in as quickly as other teams had, the delaying while they decided what to do throwing him down the field with little chance now of regaining his old spot.

It wasn't long before the action restarted, but despite Lewis backing the train of cars up behind him, Sebastian had no chance to pull any surprise moves on the car in front as the Williams shot away as soon as he could and Seb was back to trying to hang on to its coat-tails. The only person that seemed to have really benefited was Lewis himself who left his team-mate for dust and hared off into the distance while Rosberg frantically tried to keep up, attempting to salvage some pride from this season that had seemed to all go the other man's way.

Another few laps and they were back to much where they had been before. Seb couldn't do enough to make anything happen. Rosberg in second seemed to feeling the frustration even more as he flattened the accelerator trying to catch up to his team-mate in front. Mark watched as the purple lap-times were highlighted on-screen and wondered whether it was really worth all that effort. Even if Nico caught Lewis up, Mark didn't know how he was going to get by him. When it came to a head-to-head battle, Lewis was simply the stronger racer and Mark knew for a fact that despite the championship battle being over there wasn't a cat in hell's chance of Lewis granting his team-mate a favour and giving him a by to allow him to win today.

Mark knew how that felt. He'd sat behind Sebastian far too many times in races knowing it was almost hopeless, but he'd never given up trying. The car occasionally had unfortunately. More than occasionally in their last year, but Mark had kept on pushing right to the very last race. He understood why Nico was doing the same, but Mark also knew that attempting to do qualifying pace laps time after time was putting strain on the car. Shortly afterwards the radio was broadcast as the Nico's engineer gave him the same warning. The brakes were too hot, he was using too much fuel, and although the gap between Rosberg and the lead was decreasing, the stresses on his car were building and they were getting some worrying data readings through.

  
  


Not long afterwards Sebastian saw smoke on the horizon. It was drifting around one of the bends so he couldn't identify the origin. At first he thought that someone might have locked up badly going into the corner and it was tyre smoke, but as Sebastian saw the yellow flags he knew it was more serious and the smoke thickened ahead. Seb came around the corner and saw the silver Mercedes parked up at the side of the road a bit further on, dense black smoke billowing out of the back of the car. He couldn't see the driver and Seb hoped to god that they had got out already. As he approached Seb could see no external damage, so he knew it wasn't a crash. Sebastian was just thinking it must have been engine failure as he came level, then just as he went past there was a loud bang and flames shot out of the back of the car.

“Fuck!”

Sebastian's heart leapt with shock, even though the logical part of his brain knew that despite his slowed speed, he was already flying beyond the danger-zone. He took a few calming breaths in, then got on the radio.

“Who was that? Are they out?”

“Rosberg. Engine failure. It just blew up,” replied his engineer.

“Yeah I bloody noticed!” replied Sebastian, almost laughing, but a note of disturbance still evident in his voice.

He took another calming breath.

“Is he alright?”

“He's fine. Already on his way back to the pit. Safety car again out in front.”

“Right.”

Sebastian re-focussed himself on slowing in time with the car ahead. Safety car. That was fine. Gave him time to catch his breath and be grateful that burning car wasn't his.

 

 

Mark had his hand on his heart, his head tipped up to the ceiling.

“ _Fucking hell,”_ he let out.

He puffed a breath and then looked back at the screen to see Seb and all the other drivers still in the race safely trailing around behind the safety car once again. Safe.

That engine had basically exploded right as his Seb went by. Only a minor explosion and a shot of fire mostly to the rear, but it had blown nonetheless and Mark didn't like that Sebastian's car had been anywhere near it at the time. Parts could have flown off under that kind of pressure. They could have hit Seb's car as he passed. They could have hit Seb. _Fuck._

Mark took a deep breath and told himself off for over-reacting. Seb was fine. He was driving on regardless. Nico was fine too although the FOM cameras were now showing him returning to the nearby garage looking thoroughly pissed off. Story of his season: He tried with all his might to catch up to his team-mate and it all blew up in his face. Or almost at any rate. When Nico got a little perspective on this, no doubt he would be grateful that he had safely walked away from that, but right now Mark knew he was merely thinking of how hacked off he was. Such was racing. Any time you walked away knowing you had another chance next time you ought to be thankful. Mark had learned that lesson the hard way.

He'd been so unsettled by what felt like a close-call that it took Mark a full five laps of watching running under the safety car while his heart slowed back down for him to finally appreciate that with a car ahead out, Seb was now bumped up to fourth place. Daniel was also up to second and it was Christian coming on the radio to discuss this with his driver that alerted Mark to the fact he should stop worrying about what had happened and think about the fact that the race was still on and Seb was now matching his best place since returning to racing.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian sat listening as his boss came on.

“Sebi, safety car is in next time round. That gives us nine laps. We think Bottas might be struggling to keep his tyre temps up. He's on older options, you're on primes.”

Sebastian knew what that meant: Valtteri was vulnerable. If his tyres were cold on the restart and the compound was slower and more worn, then he wouldn't get the launch he needed and Seb might be able to get the jump on him. If not immediately, then before he had chance to get properly up to speed and reheat the rubber to get the grip the Williams required to make the most of its superior engine. Usually safety car running preserved the life of a tyre and Williams must have been gambling on that, but it was possible they'd gone too long now.

Mark heard the same message at home and didn't need to the commentators to add interpretation. He sat further towards the edge of the sofa as he waited for the restart. He knew Sebastian was going to go for it. Mark himself had told him to do so before the race. He sat there wishing he hadn't and somehow hoping against hope that Seb made the move. Stupid contrary brain. Mark balled his fists and stared at the TV screen.

 

Sebastian knew the safety car was in. Lewis was back to leading the field round in its place and any moment he would go for it to start the racing off again. Seb guessed that Lewis would choose to do it just as he rounded the first corner, giving himself the advantage of the straight whilst all those behind him still had to make the bend before they could put the power down. It was sneaky. It was also racing and the reason Sebastian knew Lewis would do it was because he would have done precisely the same thing himself.

If he could have sat forward in his racing seat Sebastian would have done the same as Mark did as he waited for the moment, but he was clamped in tight by his five-point harness. Moments later Seb was glad of his restraints as everything took off and he felt as if he did as well as he planted his foot on the accelerator pedal and the car sprang back into life, hurling himself around the corner and sliding to the inside of Bottas before the other driver had time to claim the racing line.

Sebastian had no thoughts of their previous encounter back in Brazil, but back home Mark could think of nothing else. Any second now Bottas's Williams was going to weave too close and touch the RedBull. Sebastian's day might be ruined again, or even worse, they could have a dangerous crash. He couldn't watch.

Mark's eyes had never been wider.

 

Sebastian kept his foot planted and the two cars ran in parallel. This time around with no visibility issues Valtteri could see exactly were Seb was and thankfully he was bright enough to know that trying to push Seb out of the way when he had nowhere to go was only going to end in disaster for both of them. He wasn't about to jump out of the way though. Valtteri pushed just as hard as Sebastian did and the two cars stayed alongside, Seb edging ahead before reaching the straight where the stronger engine won out and Bottas re-took the advantage.

“Damn!”

Seb and Mark cursed at the same time four and a half thousand miles apart.

Surely that was his opportunity lost? But Sebastian saw that Valtteri still struggled into the next corner and he was encouraged to give it another go. Coming into turn eleven Sebastian pushed as hard as he dared and then guessing that Valtteri would be concentrating on defending the racing line, Seb took a risk and went for the outside instead. It was a longer route, but Bottas on colder worn tyres was going to have to go slower whichever way he went. There was always a risk that with less grip the Williams could skid and they could be in trouble, but Seb knew he had control of his own situation. He just had to go for it.

 

Mark held his breath. Seb's family held their breath. Everyone in the garage and Seb himself held his breath as time seemed to slow down. He held, held, _held_ , as the car rounded the bend, edging out past Bottas, drawing level, then sneaking an inch in front, a foot in front, half a car ahead and then Sebastian's foot was down, the car recovering more quickly from the less acute angle as he straightened the wheel and was away while Valtteri was still pulling himself back into line. There was another bend coming up in the opposite direction and now Seb had the racing line. He held it and pressed on leaving Valtteri to struggle with the weaving section of the track. Seb didn't look back.

 

Mark only looked long enough to be sure that Seb was away and safe before he dropped sideways onto the sofa in a heap, his eyes still on the television. He breathed heavily, barely listening to the over-excited commentary as the screen cut to the team leaping up and down in the garage. The move was replayed and Mark saw that the two cars hadn't been quite as close as it felt in the moment. Sebastian had excellent spatial awareness. Mark knew that, but emotions could cloud your judgement. This time it seemed Mark's was the judgement that had been blurred. That was fine though. Mark didn't care as long as the move had come off safely. He sat himself back up and shook his head at the things Seb put him through, then laughed, feeling giddy with relief as the TV feed cut to replay a close-up of Christian's foot doing its trademark nervous jig as he sat on his pitwall stool. Mark smiled and shook his head thinking how he wasn't the only one to suffer through all this.

 

Bottas pressed on despite his struggles and the commentators were speculating whether the tyres might be coming back to him, but it took several laps before he was back on Sebastian's tail and by then the race end was in sight. Seb barely knew how he stayed ahead in those last laps but he did, somehow just keeping a nose in front when the Williams tried to get by under DRS. If they'd had a few more chances Sebastian had no doubt that Valtteri would have re-taken the place but not today. Today he had to hold it. Today Sebastian wanted that third place. It had been hell dragging himself away from Mark to come here, but he'd done it. If he was going to put himself through this then he damn well wanted it to be worthwhile.

  
  


 

The coverage cut back to show Lewis crossing the finishing line in first place, as serene as he had been all day. Daniel was a way behind, no hope of catching him, but the RedBull garage emptied as they flooded across the pitlane to wave at Dan as he passed the waved chequered flag in second place, followed a few seconds later by Seb in third, closely followed by Bottas in fourth.

Mark wanted to cheer but he felt exhausted. All he could do was shake his head.

“Bloody hell mate. How do you do that?”

Seb was incredible. He'd just done the impossible yet again. How was he even surprised?

  
  


 

 

Once the car was parked up in Parc Ferme Sebastian felt oddly in a daze once more. He undid the belts and removed the wheel to climb out all acting on automatic pilot. It all felt strange and unreal until first Lewis and then Dan came over and pulled Seb into enthusiastic hugs, his team-mate lifting Seb right off his feet before dumping him back down on legs that had apparently turned back to the jelly they'd been a few days earlier.

“Bloody hell mate, _third_ , you got third!” yelled Daniel through his helmet.

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian.

The words and the accent, so familiar, but not quite right, not Mark.

Seb looked at Dan and remembered to at least return the praise. He patted him on the arm.

“Well done on second.”

“Thanks. Good day all round,” agreed Daniel, no doubt grinning as ever beneath his helmet Seb was sure.

 

Lewis had gone to share his success with the Mercedes team members crowded around the barriers and Dan followed him to do the same with the RedBull gang. Sebastian felt slowed as he went over. He tried not to think how Mark ought to be there waiting for him.

Daniel's greeting done, Sebastian went over to gave the guys a few pats on the arm only to find himself bodily grabbed and almost pulled over the barriers by their enthusiastic embraces. Despite himself Seb was smiling inside his helmet and trying to say thank you loud enough for them to hear him. As he was set back down the crowd parted a little and Sebastian saw that it was to allow Britta to fight her way through to give him a hug in turn. He smiled, thinking that for one so small she gave pretty firm hugs.

Christian was there too. Sebastian looked over at his boss who could only shake his head in wonderment. Seb had no idea what to say to him so he just gave Christian a nod and was about to turn around and go in when he noticed that the Mercedes guys along the other side were applauding. He looked about him to see if Lewis was still around but he had gone. Dan had gone in as well, there was only him. They were applauding him. Seb stared at them, even less idea how to respond to that. Coming up with nothing else he merely gave them a nod as well and hoped they understood that meant thank you.

 

Moments later Seb was up in the pre-podium cool down room, weighing done and his helmet off, he buried his face in a towel. It felt as though he was wandering around in a dream, everything oddly disconnected and unreal. If he didn't know better Seb would have thought he was drunk. Maybe he hadn't had enough of his race-drink in the car and he'd got dehydrated?

Seb was just looking around for where the water was when Dan came across, all bounding strides and smile as wide as the room they were in. He said something that Seb missed entirely as he tried to recover from the pat on his arm that felt so forceful it nearly knocked him over.

Dan barely seemed to notice.

“I mean what a way to end the season right?” grinned Daniel.

“Hm? Yeah good, great,” agreed Sebastian.

Lewis was over and gave Seb a squeeze on the shoulder, speaking more quietly when he knew it would be picked on television.

“You okay?”

“Hm? Yeah, fine.”

Lewis looked at him and thought Sebastian was being a little odd again. He'd have presumed Seb would be jumping for joy at getting a podium after all this, but he seemed subdued. Maybe it was because he wished Mark was here?

“Well done,” congratulated Lewis. “Third. That's great Seb.”

“Thank you. Oh and you of course, another win. That's great.”

“Yeah. Thanks. Really, after everything, third's amazing.”

Lewis put a hand on Seb's arm and Sebastian nodded back, only now letting it sink in. He'd got a podium. Last race of the year and he'd got a podium when the best Seb had really been anticipating today had been a decent points finish.

Lewis was about to say something else but a camera was invading their space and it felt as though the world was intruding, so he went to get himself a bottle of water and handed another to Seb.

Sebastian downed some water, then seeing the camera was still lurking, forced a smile onto his face and waved. He tried not to think about who that wave was for, but he couldn't block it out. He turned away and pretended he was concentrating on fetching his watch and cap while staring at the wall with an intensity the plain white wall didn't deserve. He wasn't going to cry. Not here.

A hand was on his arm and Seb jumped.

“Time to go.”

Sebastian spun around and looked at his team-mate who frowned a little seeing the expression on Seb's face, but before he had time to say anything officials were beckoning them over and he had to dump his water bottle to go out onto the podium.

  
  


Mark watched at home, already fending off texts and calls from family and friends sharing their excitement and praise. He watched as Sebastian did all his podium duties with usual aplomb. Anyone else watching would think that this was just the usual Seb. In a way Mark knew they were right. This _was_ the usual Seb; Incredible, remarkable, impossible.

  
  


Trophies presented and the obligatory spraying around of bottles dealt with, Sebastian stood waiting on the dais knowing all he had to get through now was the interviews. His smile didn't waver as he saw Eddie Jordan leap out, all wild shirt and improbable hair. Seb pretended to listen while Lewis then Dan answered whatever questions were flung at them, expecting to be next, but as Eddie went back past he couldn't resist asking Lewis something again. Eddie was trying to goad him into commenting on the Nico 'situation' as he put it, but Lewis was having none of it. He wasn't in the mood for strife when he had just won another race and was still pumped with adrenaline.

Lewis brushed off Eddie's point and ploughed on.

“The win is special for me to round off the year, but this guy? Can you believe it? Incredible!”

He put an arm around Sebastian and pulled him in, dragging Seb to stand with him on the top step. Sebastian turned to Lewis and gave him a pat on the arm.

“Thanks.”

Lewis looked to Eddie.

“Seriously. I don't think anyone has any idea how much of an achievement it is that Seb's standing up here.”

For a moment Seb worried that Lewis might say too much, but his friend had no intention of revealing anything more. Eddie grinned at Sebastian as he attempted to perch on the podium with them.

“Well said Lewis. I think we're all impressed by your comeback Seb.”

“Thanks. I guess it's not been easy and I've a lot of people to thank, but they know who they are.”

“Shame Mark couldn't be here with you this weekend,” commented Eddie breezily, as if that was merely some minor inconvenience.

Sebastian felt as if something was being ripped from his chest. He'd been trying so damn hard not to think too much about that. Not to look for Mark in the crowd below the podium when Seb knew he wasn't there, not to think of him at home with the dogs, not long for a hug from him, not to miss him with every fibre of his body.

Sebastian did everything he could not to let that show. He blinked and told himself not to cry. He was not going to damn well cry on the live feed to the whole world at a damn stupid comment from Eddie bloody Jordan of all people. Eddie Jordan was _not_ going to make him cry. He blinked again and Sebastian gripped the microphone tight to make sure his hand was steady, then he looked for the camera, knowing it would be close-up on his face as he answered.

“He's always with me. That's why I'm here.”

Seb looked dead into the camera and mouthed 'thank you', then let his hand holding the microphone drop, leaving Eddie so completely thrown that he did the unthinkable and actually shut up.

 

 

Mark was gone at that. Not just crying, but a sobbing mess. Everything all too much.

The dogs were torn between watching Seb on the screen and looking after Mark as they rubbed up into him, trying to work out why he was unhappy when he'd seemed so pleased a minute ago. Mark looked at them and shook his head as he gave them a rub.

“I'm alright.”

He sniffed and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve.

“I'm just being silly. I'm fine boys. Aren't you proud of him?”

Mark took a settling breath and looked at the screen again.

“Well done darling.”

 

Mark gave the dogs a good rub down and let them fuss over him to cheer him up while he watched the podium clear and the coverage cut back to the presenters analysing everything. He didn't care to hear what they had to say. Mark sat for a couple of minutes calming himself down before he looked to his phone on the coffee table. He knew it was pointless, but he found himself reaching for it and ringing Sebastian, even though logically he knew Seb had to be busy. It rang and Mark was just about to hang up and text instead when he was amazed to hear it answered.

“Seb?”

“Hey.”

“How have you got your phone?”

Sebastian smiled at Britta by his side as they walked along. She'd literally handed it to him that moment when it rang.

“Britta brought it. I've only got a minute. I'm on my way to the press conference.”

“Oh right. Well I just wanted to say,” Mark let out a laugh. “God I'm not prepared for this now.”

“It's okay.”

“I just wanted to well done. Well done darling. Well done. You're incredible. I love you so much.”

Sebastian smiled and paused at the doorway of the conference room.

“Thank you. I love you too Liebling. Did you hear what I said?”

“I did.” Mark puffed out a breath. “Thank you.”

“I mean it.”

Mark closed his eyes, wishing with all his heart that he was with Sebastian to hold him tight right now.

“You're incredible.”

Sebastian felt a warmth spreading in his chest.

“Thank you Liebling.” He looked over to Britta who was trying to hint he needed to keep this short. “I've got to go. I'm sorry.”

“No of course. Are you alright?” checked Mark. “You seemed a bit, I don't know, on the podium...”

Seb sighed, so much for his pretending to be fine. Then again this was Mark.

“I'm okay. I feel a bit dazed to be honest.”

“Tired maybe?”

“Yeah maybe. I could use a lie down.”

No chance of that now of course. Seb just had to power on through.

“Are you okay?” pressed Mark.

Sebastian took a deep breath, trying to feed lots of oxygen into his brain.

“Yeah. Just a bit weird. I'm fine really Liebling. Sorry, I've got to go into the press room.”

“Oh of course. Well as long as you're okay?”

“I'll be fine.”

“And third darling, that's amazing. I'm so _so_ proud of you.”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a second. He had to hang up. Never mind Britta looking anxious to get him moving, any more of this and his battle not to cry was going to be lost.

“Thank you Liebling. Love you. Speak to you in a bit.”

“Course. Love you so much darling. I can't tell you how proud I am of you.”

“Thank you.” Sebastian took a deep calming breath. “Really. I meant it, you're why I managed it.”

“Nah sweetheart, all you.”

Seb smiled. He suspected they could have this argument all night long.

Britta was holding the door open. She didn't want to tell him to hang up when it had been her idea to find his phone to bring, but they really had to go.

“Okay, speak to you when I can,” signed off Seb.

“Yeah. Okay later then.”

Mark sat back and sighed. He'd been so surprised to get to talk to Seb he barely knew what he'd said just then. Snatched moments as usual.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


“Does third today mean more than it might have before?” asked a journalist in the front row.

'Before'. Seb's life clearly divided now, no denying it.

“Yeah it's pretty special,” Seb agreed.

“You seemed emotional on the podium,” commented another reporter.

Sebastian tried not to react to the fact he clearly hadn't hidden his feelings as well as he'd thought. A memory flashed into his head about what Henry had said about all that and his suggestion that Seb try to persuade himself that not every observation was a criticism. What was the point in denying it if it had been obvious?

“Like you say, some things are more significant. To be honest I wasn't really anticipating getting a podium today.”

“It must feel like a vindication of your decision to come back?”

Sebastian frowned.

“I was always going to come back.”

“It's been tough though?”

Seb shrugged. How could he tell them how tough it had really been? They'd never understand.

“I'm a racer. I just wanted to get back to doing what I do.”

“You've not had the easiest of years.”

Sebastian looked at the rows of media in front of him thinking what an understatement that was.

“Yeah you could say that.”

“Are you already looking to next season then?” enquired the journalist.

Seb glanced at Britta out of the corner of his eye.

“Well this one's only just finishing. We've got a way to go till we need to look at that.”

“Of course, but surely you're hoping for better times next year?”

 

Seb puffed out a long breath wishing this was over. All he'd been through though. Facing the media wasn't worse than facing Heikki. He could manage this surely? He'd rather Mark was with him, but he'd survive another few hours until tomorrow morning and they would be back together. The season was over. Heikki was defeated. He was free, finally free. All he needed now was to get through this and all the rest of the pointless, boring media commitments, then he could do his debrief with the team, say a proper thank you to them and get out of here.

He looked out at the journalist and wondered what they expected him to say. Some kind of neat PR line about always looking to the horizon and ending the year on a high hoping for a continuation next season. All the stuff he was supposed to say.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Well not dying for starters would be pretty good.”

 

There was a stunned silence in the room and Sebastian looked along the press conference desk to his fellow drivers. Both Dan and Lewis had raised eyebrows as they turned to look at him. Seb gave them a little shrug and Lewis cracked a smile.

“Bloody hell,” breathed Lewis.

Sebastian leaned in and whispered to them.

“Seriously. I think I'm past caring. What the hell do they want me to say?”

Even Dan smiled at that, thinking that sounded a fun but dangerous precedent. He wondered what would happen if they all just spoke their minds.

Seb gave a little shake of his head and turned back to face the serried ranks of media. He was in such a strange mood. He'd think he really _was_ drunk but for the fact they didn't get real champagne on the podium here. Maybe he was just over-tired? He'd felt so awake during the race but that had to have been adrenaline and now that had gone Sebastian seemed to be veering between wanting to lie down and cry, to a strangely wild sense he could let loose and say anything. Maybe it hadn't been rose-water they'd been drinking after all? Maybe he was just drunk on relief? Seb felt it flow through him, far more powerful than alcohol.

He looked back out at the press.

“Sorry. Obviously yeah this year's been pretty dramatic. Good, bad and indescribable frankly. I'd settle for a far less dramatic time of it to be honest. I'm hoping you guys will be spending more of your time concentrating on my driving than anything else next season.”

Sebastian gave Lewis sat in the middle a nudge.

“Someone's gotta keep this guy on his toes.”

Seb smiled and Lewis started laughing, joking that he was going to be working on joining Seb in the four club, successfully distracting the press into talking to him again and allowing Sebastian to sit back.

 

Twelve hours from now he'd be with Mark. Hopefully by then Seb thought he'd have straightened his head out.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


An hour later Sebastian was deposited by Britta back in his room at the RedBull base to get a break and change before he had to go and finish up his work with the team.

“Sorry I think I'm... You know I'm not even sure what I said to all those journos,” he admitted as he stood in the doorway.

Britta shook her head.

“Don't worry about it Seb. You were fine.”

She gave him a reassuring smile and a touch on the arm. Seb gave a nod back thinking that it was a good job Britta was always there. She'd never have let him get himself into too much trouble. Once she'd seen how Sebastian seemed to be struggling through the post-race questions she'd walked him down to the pen feeding Seb pat answers to give out that he didn't need to think too much about. Once that was done Britta had surreptitiously texted their boss and told Christian to hold fire on the debrief as Seb needed a rest before they asked any more of him.

“Yeah, sorry, I'm in a funny head space. Don't know what it is. Maybe I need a coffee or something?”

Britta handed him his water bottle back.

“Stick to this. Christian says there's no rush while they pack up, so have half an hour to yourself, call Mark, do what you have to do and just let yourself settle down a bit, okay?”

Britta could have said Sebastian needed to pull himself together, but that would have been an unkind way of putting it when she knew this was the culmination of a week filled with extreme emotions. There was only so long you could ride the roller-coaster.

“Have a lie down, maybe?” suggested Britta.

“Yeah, think I will do. Thanks.”

“No problem. Half an hour then.”

“Right.” Seb paused. “Will you come and get me? I don't feel very with it.”

Britta frowned and looked at him a little more closely.

“You don't feel ill do you?”

“No, just... weird. I can't explain it.”

She nodded carefully. Overwrought and over-tired. That's all it probably was. Seb would be okay after a rest and then thank god they were very nearly done.

“No problem. You lie down. I'll be back when it's time.”

“Thanks.”

  
  


Sebastian went into his room and slung down his race bag that they'd picked up from the garage. He sat down on the little bed and let out a whoosh of breath wondering how the hell he'd got through all that. God only knew what he'd said or how he'd looked. They'd done a team photo to celebrate a positive end to the season for the team and that had felt good, but the garage had been filled with loud banging music while they celebrated and cleared up at the same time. It was no place to hang around once he'd said his thanks and congratulations to the team. The rest had become a blur as Sebastian was propelled through his commitments by Britta, still feeling as though he was racing along when he needed to finally stop.

Seb looked at the bottle of water still resting in his hand and lifted it to his mouth to take another drink before flicking the lid closed. He stared at it, only now seeing how badly his hand was shaking. Had he been shaking in front of the media just now? Seb hoped to goodness he hadn't. Surely Britta would have pulled him out? It had to be now that he'd stopped putting on a show and let himself be that it was coming out.

Seb put down the bottle and found his phone instead. His damn hand was still shaking. Sebastian kept hold of the phone and lay out flat on the bed. Staring at the ceiling he took deep breaths and let it wash through him. Third. He'd come _third_. Seb honestly didn't know how he had done it. If you asked him now he didn't think he'd be able to get in the car, never mind drive. Sebastian was sure his whole body was vibrating with some kind of strange reaction to the intensity of it all, like withdrawal symptoms from the drug of adrenaline.

He took a couple more minutes to try to steady himself, then lifted the phone that had remained in his hand and dialled.

  
  


Mark answered as he was just finishing triple-checking all his things were ready to go for when the taxi to the airport arrived in fifteen minutes time.

“Hey sweetheart how're you doing?” he greeted.

Sebastian puffed out a breath, still lying on the bed.

“I'm okay. I'm in my room.”

“Good. Are you really okay? You sound...”

“What?”

“I don't know, just... doesn't matter,” dismissed Mark, not wanting to push it when he was so far away.

“I feel a bit weird actually,” confessed Sebastian.

“Oh?”

“I think I'm having some kind of comedown.”

Mark was sat on the stairs in the hall seeing as it was the nearest place. He frowned, not liking the sound of that, although he could tell from the moment Seb spoke that he wasn't quite right.

 

“What do you mean? Just post-race?” questioned Mark.

“Yeah. I feel shaky.”

Mark furrowed his brow further. If only he was there with him.

“Have a lie down darling,” he recommend, trying not to sound too concerned.

“I am lying down.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian closed his eyes. He shouldn't be worrying Mark like this, especially when he was about to be stuck on a long flight unable to check up on him.

“Sorry. I'll be fine. I think you're right; it must be a post-race thing.”

“Happens sometimes.”

“Yeah. Adrenaline and that, right?”

“Right, and emotion sweetheart. You had a great race today, crazy really. No wonder it's a bit much.”

“Yeah.”

“And having to jump right in with all the media stuff straight-away.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian didn't mean to let it happen, but his voice came out as shaky as his body felt.

“Seb?”

“I'm fine.”

“Sweetheart?”

“Sorry.”

Sebastian took in a deep wobbly breath and started crying as he'd been threatening to on and off for the past half hour.

“Sorry,” he repeated, “it's nothing. I'm fine. Really.”

Mark sighed.

“It's just a reaction,” insisted Seb. “Holding back before. I think it's just...” he took several hitching breaths, “built up.”

 

Mark felt terrible. Damnit, Seb was in a state. He needed him when Mark couldn't be there with him again. All he could do was try to help him over the phone.

“Yeah,” replied Mark gently. “Course it has.”

“I'm okay,” tried Seb, sounding distinctly un-okay.

Mark closed his eyes. What Seb needed was a hug and to know it was okay to let it all out. All that putting on a front for the world; it was too much sometimes, this time especially.

“Alright darling, don't worry. It's fine. Just let it go darling. There's nobody here but you and me. Everything's alright.”

 

Sebastian turned on his side and let himself cry while Mark soothed him. He could feel his whole body go with it, repressed emotion and his body confused with running on edge for too extended a period of time. Seb hadn't realised how wound up he'd been letting himself get. All that stress had been bubbling away like a pan of water with the lid jammed on, threatening to boil over while Seb fought to keep it down. He couldn't fight it any more and there was a relief to being allowed not to have to try, just to let it all flow out until he simmered back down.

Mark listened as Sebastian's breaths slowed and evened out.

“Have you got some water darling?”

Sebastian wiped at his face and nodded.

“Yeah.”

He pushed himself up a bit and drank some.

“Better?” prompted Mark.

Seb put the bottle down and forced himself to sit up, leaning back against the wall.

“Yeah, yeah a bit. Sorry I don't know what's wrong with me.”

Mark sighed. His sounded a bit better now, but he really needed to be with him to know Seb was okay.

“There's nothing wrong with you sweetheart. You've been under a ridiculous amount of stress and you cope, you always cope, but there's a cost isn't there?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. I think... maybe like before when I wasn't feeling anything, it was just I was in denial and now I'm feeling too much.”

“It's all catching up on you,” Mark suggested.

“Yeah guess that's it. Like I knew deep down I couldn't afford to feel before, but I was just storing it up,” agreed Seb.

“Yeah. Ah damn. You gonna be alright?”

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath. At least he didn't feel so shaky now. Maybe it was like Henry said? When he repressed emotion it spilled out uncontrollably like an earthquake. The quaking was oddly appropriate. Perhaps that odd slightly drunken feeling from before had been a sign that he couldn't keep it in much longer. Thank god he'd been given this break before he had to get himself together to analyse the race with the team. Seb didn't think he could do much more than attempt to analyse himself right now.

“Yeah I'll be okay. I'm better for this, for talking to you Liebling.”

“Good. Glad to hear it darling. Don't worry about getting a bit upset. That's totally natural. Just getting through this weekend is a miracle. Getting a bloody podium finish is on another level.”

“Thanks. Not sure I know how I did myself.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Cos you're amazing darling, that's how. That and you're an incredibly talented racing driver. Have I mentioned that?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“So you parked all the stress and did what you do, but like I say, there's a cost to that.”

“Getting worked up,” offered Seb.

“Well a bit, yes, but that doesn't matter as long as you're okay now?”

“Yeah. I think so. Much better anyway.”

“Okay. I wish I was there darling.”

“Me too.”

 

Mark puffed out a breath thinking about the stupid world and its stupid complications making things unnecessarily difficult when things were already hard enough for them.

“I'll be with you very soon, okay?” he reminded.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb, thinking it couldn't come soon enough. “I'm okay. Just... Pfff... Sorry,”

“Nothing to be sorry for.”

Sebastian let out a long shaky breath. He did feel a bit better now. He wondered how that worked: that sometimes crying could make him feel better instead of worse.

“It's just a reaction,” Seb repeated.

“Yeah. Don't worry about it, okay sweetheart. As long as you're going to be alright?”

“Yeah.”

Seb took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I'm alright. I'll be okay.”

“Good.”

Mark could hear his voice sounded more solid now. Poor Seb, he did work himself up. It seemed there was no way around it. Maybe it was just the way he was made?

 

“Don't feel bad about it darling,” assured Mark. “I think I lost the plot completely when you were up on the podium before.”

Sebastian was taking another sip of water.

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. Just between you, me, and the dogs. Crying buckets mate.”

“You weren't upset?” checked Seb.

“No darling I mean because I was happy. You deserve that result today. You really do.”

A little smile crept onto Seb's face at the idea of Mark reacting like that over him doing well.

“Thank you, I think. Is it weird to say thank you for that?”

Mark smiled.

“No it's fine.”

“Did I look alright up there? I felt so strange. I think people could tell,” admitted Seb.

Mark paused, unsure what to say. It had been pretty obvious that Seb had been feeling emotional as soon as he'd taken his helmet off.

“Don't worry about it sweetheart.”

“I just never thought I'd get a podium today. That bit still doesn't feel real.”

“No, well maybe it just needs a while to settle in. You did fantastic darling. I'm so proud of you.”

“Thank you.”

Seb pushed out a long heavy breath.

“I'm doing better now. Thank you.”

Mark shook his head thinking no matter how many times you told Seb he didn't need to thank or apologise it made no difference. It was just too deeply ingrained in him.

 

“Good. That's all that matters then. Okay. Are you done now?”

“No. Still got the debrief.”

“Oh of course.”

“Then just finishing up and I'm done.”

“Good. So you'll get a decent night's sleep?”

“I think I'll swim again. I'll sleep better after that.”

Mark nodded. No point telling Seb just to go to bed. If swimming made him feel better then who was he to tell him otherwise, even if Mark thought he needed rest more than anything.

“Okay darling well we can sleep on the flight out to Aus can't we?”

“Yeah. I can't wait.”

Sebastian said that with such feeling Mark could almost feel him in his arms as he imagined them curled up on the flight together. Two comfy seats positioned together on their own. Mark had been very specific with his booking arrangements.

 

“Me neither. Right well that all sounds good. I'm off to the airport shortly, but you can call me up until about eight. That's midnight with you. Okay darling?”

“Thank you Liebling. Yeah I think I'll call when I'm back at the hotel when I'm done.”

“Fine. Have you spoken to your brother? I think I've had half a dozen texts off him.”

Sebastian huffed out a laugh. He must have had twice as many again.

“Not yet. I'll call him in a bit. I'll send him a text for now.”

“Righto.”

Mark guessed Sebastian hadn't wanted to speak to his family while he was still so obviously unsettled. At least he knew he could always call him, no matter what.

“Alright then darling you sound much better now.”

“Yeah. I'm just a bit tired. I'm gonna jump in the shower and then I can get the debrief out of the way.”

Mark nodded then tipped his head sideways as he heard the dogs start barking. He got up and went to open the front door to see a taxi pulling up.

“My car's here. Do you want me to ring you back in a few minutes when I'm in it?”

“Oh no that's fine. I'll speak to you later.”

Seb could hear the dogs in the background.

“Say goodbye to the boys for me.”

“Will do.”

Mark waved to the taxi driver to indicate he'd be a couple of minutes yet, then turned back into the house.

“Okay then darling. Do you want a hug?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Always Liebling.”

Mark put the door to behind him, strangely not wanting a witness to something that whilst invisible, felt deeply personal to both of them. He closed his eyes as they both imagined what would be real soon enough.

“Right then sweetheart, you go have your shower and we'll speak later, yeah?”

“Yeah. Thanks Mark.”

“Course. Love you.”

“Love you too. Can't wait till tomorrow morning.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Me too. Right. Later then.”

“Later.”

 

They hung up. Mark gave the dogs a quick rub and sent them into the kitchen while he sorted his things out to put in the boot of the taxi.

“I'll just be one more minute mate,” parted Mark as he headed back in.

He nipped round making sure everything was locked up and checked the note he'd left Pauline on the fridge, then ducked down with the dogs in the corner of the kitchen, topping up their bowls with food and water. Mark gave them a rub.

“Right then boys I'm afraid I'm off again. Your Auntie Pauline will be round looking after you. Make sure you're good for her.”

Shadow and Simba pressed into him and Mark gave them another stroke. He knew the taxi was on the clock, but he didn't care.

“I know. I'll miss you too. Seb says goodbye for now. We'll be back in a week or so and then we'll all have a nice time at home for a while.”

Simba licked at his hand and Mark smiled.

“Yeah you'll like that I know. You're going to get spoiled rotten. Just no knocking down of Seb's tree or you'll make him sad, okay?”

Mark got no reply and he shook his head thinking anyone but Seb would think him mad for having this conversation in the first place. He got up and gave the dogs one last stroke before turning for the hall, picking up his coat and checking he really did definitely have everything he needed.

Just a few more hours and he'd be back with Seb. They'd both be better then. Just a few more hours. Nearly there.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blimey, I don't know about them, but I need a holiday!


	111. Navigation - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally it's the winter break and a little sunshine is required.

* * *

 

 

  
  


Mark pulled his phone out as he walked through the airport in Abu Dhabi. He switched it on thinking he should text Seb to let him know he was here and ask if Seb knew when he might arrive. Mark was looking at the time on the phone-screen, seeing that it had automatically adjusted to the local time and trying to get his head around what time it really felt like when he realised that there was a text waiting for him.

SEB: All sorted, waiting in lounge. Give me a call when you're here.

Mark shook his head thinking Seb was keen getting here before him, but then he wasn't too surprised. He looked up at the signs and headed in that direction, already hitting dial to tell Sebastian that he was en-route.

  
  


 

Sebastian still had his phone to his ear as he looked up towards the doorway of the large airline lounge to see Mark walking in. He bounced up out of his seat and waved, beaming over at Mark.

“I can see you.”

Mark laughed down the phone, giving him a wave back.

“Me too darling, hang on.”

Mark strode over and Sebastian abandoned his flight bag on the empty row of seats he'd been waiting on to rush across the room. They hurried over to meet, then stopped, struck horribly by the recollection that they couldn't greet one another as they desperately wanted to. They both glanced around them. They were in the airline's lounge, but was this really international territory or did it still count as Abu Dhabi? They had a nasty feeling it was the latter, so they did as they had known they would have to all along and stood just a few inches apart, resisting the magnetic pull between them.

“Hey,” greeted Mark.

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“Hey.”

Mark huffed out a sad little laugh.

“Oh sweetheart this is no good is it?”

Sebastian shook his head and sighed. Mark glanced around again and seeing no one overtly looking at them, risked placing a hand on Seb's lower arm to give it a tiny rub.

“Not long to wait,” reassured Mark.

“Yeah. Do you want to...”

Seb indicated over to where he'd left his bag and they went to sit down together, still not allowing themselves to sit too closely. They looked at one another, hardly knowing what to say. Sebastian longed to fall into Mark and feel his arms around him. Mark in turn wanted nothing more than to oblige, to feel Seb pressed in and hold onto him as he had wanted to for days. If he had his way Mark would be crushing Seb in as tight as he could right now, but no, no, damnit all _no_. Forbidden. Illegal. Criminal. Just to show a little affection to the person you loved. So bloody stupid.

Mark huffed and shook his head, knowing there was no way he could ever have found a way to accompany Seb to the race here. Even a couple of hours while they waited for their flight was going to be almost unendurable. There weren't that many people in here at this early hour, but it was impossible not to feel paranoid. Seb had found a spot where nobody was too close, but every glance from across the room, every member of staff that walked by, CCTV cameras in the corner, all made them feel watched at every moment.

 

“You alright then?” he checked.

“Mm, yeah, bit tired,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark coughed a laugh, relaxing a little.

“And yet you're here before I was.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“No point hanging around at the hotel.”

“Spose not. So you got checked in and all that okay?”

“Yep.”

“Bags and stuff?”

“Oh well I put all the things I only needed for the race weekend in my other case and the team's taking that back for me.”

“Ah okay, that makes sense.”

“Mm.”

“You got some sleep though?” Mark checked, thinking Seb looked tired.

“Yeah some. I fell asleep right away, but then I woke up really early, so I just got everything sorted and came here.”

Mark nodded. It was only seven am and they had more than plenty of time before their flight, but better than rushing around stressing out he supposed.

 

“What about you? Did you sleep on the way out?” asked Sebastian.

“A bit. Guess I was pretty excited to be seeing you.”

Sebastian turned a little to him and gave Mark a smile.

“Yeah me too.”

Mark laughed at how artificial and strange all this restraint felt.

“This is rubbish isn't it? Can't wait till we're out of here.”

“Yeah. Just a couple of hours.”

Mark nodded. “Mm, we've got a fair wait at the other end too unfortunately.”

“For the connection?”

“Yeah. It's only an hour or so up to Canberra, but it's just they way it worked out.”

Seb shrugged.

“At least it'll be better there.”

“Yeah.” Mark huffed a laugh, “I'll say. Ah well sweetheart, we'll be alright on the flight.”

“Maybe we can catch up on some sleep?” proposed Seb.

Mark nodded. He couldn't wait to snuggle up with Sebastian once they had left this place and they could relax together as they should.

 

“Guess at least at Melbourne we won't have to be like this,” Seb noted.

“Yeah.”

Mark huffed a little laugh, thinking of all the hours they had spent waiting around at airports together.

Sebastian was plainly thinking the same. He leaned a fraction closer.

“We can prop each other up if we still need to sleep there.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

“What time is our connection?”

“Just after midday. So with all the time changes that's... I think we should get into Melbourne bit less than twenty-four hours from now, their time that is. 'tis a bit of a wait I guess.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“That's okay. I'll just be glad to be there.”

“Me too. I'd say we could grab some kip at Mum and Dad's, but I'm betting they'll be too excited to see us.”

Seb shook his head.

“It's fine. We'll survive right?”

“Sure.”

 

Mark cast a quick eye around and then carefully placed his fingers over Seb's where they rested on the edge of the padded seat beside him. It felt ridiculously risky. As if security forces would have CCTV trained on them watching for any such transgression, and armed men would descend on them any moment to drag them away for interrogation.

Sebastian looked up at him and sent Mark a smile. Maybe they were being paranoid, but it was impossible not to feel this way; As though they were under constant scrutiny and in danger just by being together. A few people in the lounge had looked their way but there was no way of knowing if it was coincidence, or curiosity because they recognised them, or if they were being disapproving. He hated to think what it would be like for a couple like them to try to live in this country. The constant fear of discovery must be terrible. Seb let out a sigh and Mark frowned.

“You okay?”

“Yeah fine. I'll be fine when we get going.”

“Sure.”

Mark knew this weekend had been a strain. What Seb really needed was a good long spell in bed, with him, and no interruptions or places to rush off to. Twelve hours or so would do the trick. If he could magic them home and back out again to Australia that would be perfect, but life wasn't perfect and they just had to make the best of things. He looked back at Seb and had to fight the urge to put his arm around him to make both of them feel better. All his natural instincts were so hard to overcome when Mark was so used to doing them without thinking in their normal day-to-day lives. Mark wondered how on earth they had lasted so long in the garage together before they had come out. It seemed impossible now. This was torture.

Mark looked down at his hand and moved his fingers a fraction back and forth over Sebastian's, taking some comfort from this tiny bit of contact, then looked up and smiled at Seb again.

“Won't be long,” assured Sebastian.

Mark nodded. He just needed to hold Seb. To lie down with him. Maybe his parents wouldn't mind so much if they took a little nap?

 

By coincidence his phone buzzed with a message and he pulled it out to see it was from his father, double-checking that he had got there alright and asking him to confirm the time they needed collecting at the other end. Mark clicked onto the airport wi-fi and checked the flight information before texting back. As he did so, a corner of his mind had half an idea and Mark went onto the website for the airport in Melbourne where they had to make their connection.

Sebastian looked over.

“Everything okay?”

“Yep. Just telling Dad when we'll be in.”

“Oh okay.”

Mark was clicking through sections of the website until he got to the part he had wondered about. He turned into Sebastian.

“I've got an idea.”

“Oh?”

“There's an airport hotel. At Melbourne that is. I was just thinking maybe we could skip being uncomfortable sat around on more seats for a while and get a room for a few hours.”

“Really?”

Mark shrugged.

“Only if you want to. We've got a few hours to kill.”

“It'll be in the morning though. Will they let you book it for just a few hours?”

“Might as well find out. We could just get a couple hours kip or whatever.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh and raised an eyebrow.

“Or whatever?”

Mark grinned.

“Well yeah; Grab a shower, change, freshen up. Why, what were you thinking darling?”

Sebastian matched his grin.

“Just that, obviously Liebling.”

“Obviously,” agreed Mark in a dead-pan voice. “Right well I think the easiest thing is to give them a ring. Hang on.”

 

Mark dialled, then stood to wander over slightly to see what could be arranged. He was back a few minutes later. As he sat down Mark had to stop himself leaning in to kiss Sebastian on the cheek as he wanted to. None of this was natural. He pushed his frustrations away and gave Seb a smile.

“All good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yep. They do have layover bookings, so we've got a room from seven till midday. We'll need to be out of there before then obviously, but...”

“That's great,” interrupted Seb.

“Yeah I thought so. Bit of sleep, sort ourselves out, you know, whatever.”

“Whatever,” concurred Sebastian.

Mark sent him a conspiratorial wink and Sebastian bit his lip, trying to stop himself from laughing. There was something wonderfully rebellious about booking a hotel room to steal a few hours together whilst stuck here where they daren't even hold hands.

“Whatever sounds particularly good,” noted Mark.

Sebastian nodded and continued, his innocent expression perfectly held.

“Yes I always enjoy a shower after a long flight.”

Mark started laughing and felt lighter already. He was definitely looking forwards to the wait at the next airport considerably more than this one. He surreptitiously slid his fingers back over Seb's and they smiled at one another.

  
  


  
  


It seemed like an eternity, but eventually they were onboard the plane, settling into their seats as everybody else bustled around them.

Sebastian puffed out a breath.

“Alright then?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded.

“Yep. Good. All good now.”

Mark decided they were finally safe and wanted to let all the artificial tension from their wait disappear. He was past caring if anyone actually on the flight was looking at them or had an opinion. Mark turned to lean in and kissed Seb, placing his hand at the side of his face and feeling him relax into it. As they pulled apart Mark laughed.

“Now that's better.”

“Much better,” smiled Seb.

He looked about him a little, thinking Mark had done well with choosing their seats, nice and cosy, just the two of them in this slot.

“This is nice,” Seb commented.

“Hm?”

“The seats.”

Mark nodded. It was no accident that they were like this so they could feel in their own little space together.

“Yeah not bad. Decent leg room.”

Sebastian laughed, thinking that wasn't what he had been referring to, but he was glad that Mark's long legs wouldn't be cramped.

They had to wait while the flight was prepared for take-off and all the usual safety procedures run through, then another age until the plane was up and the light finally came on to indicate that they could undo their seatbelts. The moment it was permitted, Mark unclipped his and reached over to Seb's to do the same. Sebastian merely smiled and let him, waiting while Mark lifted the armrest barrier and the two shifted so Mark could put his arm around Seb. Mark was about to say something when he saw that Sebastian had closed his eyes as he rested his head just below Mark's shoulder and slipped his arm around his front. Mark gave him a little squeeze as he realised just how much this meant. He leant his cheek into Sebastian's hair and let out sigh. No more words required.

 

An air steward was approaching along the aisle, doing her rounds to take any orders for drinks or food and to see if any of her passengers wanted anything to make them more comfortable. As she came closer she saw the way the couple were sat and kept on walking. They plainly didn't need anything more than each other.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark opened the door of their hotel room and Seb followed him through, both dumping their bags on the floor as they looked around them.

“Not bad actually,” commented Mark.

Sebastian went to stick his nose into the bathroom, flicking the light on to look before coming back over to stand with him.

“Very nice.”

Mark grinned.

“We'll just stay at the airport then shall we?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and prodded the bed instead.

“Just checking?” teased Mark.

“Well you know.”

“Mm.”

Seb stood back upright.

“I'm not used to doing this. It feels a bit...”

“What?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Naughty.”

Mark coughed with laughter.

“Oh really?”

“Mmm,” smiled Sebastian taking a step in closer.

“Well...”

“Mmm.”

Mark grinned and put his hand at Seb's waist, sliding it down to sneak it underneath his t-shirt. Sebastian grinned back and lifted his arms to put them around Mark's neck.

 

“So,” began Mark, already moving his other hand to slip it under Sebastian's shirt on the other side and immediately forgetting what he was going to say next.

“So,” smiled Sebastian.

Mark chuckled and smoothed his hands over Sebastian's lovely soft skin. He lost himself for a few moments in that wonderful feeling, gazing into Sebastian's eyes, warmed by his smile.

“Are you still tired?” Mark asked.

Sebastian gave a tiny shake of his head. They'd slept on the flight, Seb rather more than Mark who had been happy enough merely to sit taking comfort from holding him. Seb on the other hand had taken all of ten minutes before he dropped off, feeling more content and at ease than he had in many days. The few hours he'd got the night before had been oddly unsatisfactory. Still churned up inside after the race and everything else that had preceded, Sebastian had slept out of exhaustion, but back with Mark he was at peace.

 

In truth even after sleeping on the flight Seb did still feel a little tired, but that wasn't his priority right now, certainly not with the way that Mark was sliding his hands around to rest at the small of his back, slowly but inexorably pulling him in so they were pressed together. Sebastian grinned at Mark and flicked his eyebrows up, smiling even more widely as he felt Mark laugh against him.

“Not that tired,” offered Seb.

“Good.”

Sleep was nice, but 'whatever' seemed a far preferable option right now.

Mark gave Sebastian a softer smile.

“Have I even said well done?”

“Hm?”

“For the race.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Only one or two thousand times Liebling.”

“Ah, okay.”

“Thank you.”

Mark could only give a tiny shake of his head. He was losing himself in those blue eyes, falling deep into them. Such beautiful eyes, such a beautiful smile, such beautiful lips, all for him. Mark leaned in and took those lips to his own. Sebastian sighed out into it, feeling the little tug as Mark pulled him even closer. Seb tried to lift himself higher to meet him, but as he put weight into his arms around Mark's neck, Seb found he no longer had any strength in his legs and all he did was pull Mark in until they were falling onto the bed behind him. It was always how this was going to go.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian looked up into Mark's eyes, trying to get his breath back. Everything was still sparking in his brain and he was sure that his heart was beating faster than it had at any time during the race. He dragged oxygen into his lungs, forcing his chest to move though Mark had lowered himself into it. Seb didn't want to tell him to move despite the weight. He wanted Mark there, wanted the feeling of Mark's body crushed into his own. Mark's lips grazed against his and Sebastian tried to lift his head a little to meet them, chasing the kiss and not caring that he had no breath to spare.

Mark smiled and pressed further in to give Seb what he needed until he started to feel dizzy himself and had to lift his head up. As he looked back down Mark saw that Seb had closed his eyes.

“Seb,” he breathed.

“Hmmm?”

Mark smiled at how lost Sebastian still sounded. He levered himself up a little to take the weight from Seb's chest that he could feel heaving beneath him. Seb hadn't opened his eyes so Mark rested onto one elbow and with his spare hand he stroked Sebastian's cheek, succeeding in getting him to look at him.

“Okay darling?”

Sebastian took several more breathy inhales before nodding. Mark nodded back, then gave him a quick peck of a kiss that strangely felt like a hello.

Seb took in another deeper breath before finding his words.

“Don't move,” requested Seb.

“Okay.”

Mark tried to keep himself held just a fraction higher, but any moment now he thought his arms were going to start shaking.

“Sweetheart I think... can we just turn? I think that would be better.”

“'kay.”

“Alright.”

Mark slipped one hand beneath Seb's shoulders and succeeded in turning them so Sebastian lay on top. That was better. Seb never felt too heavy on him. Mark could swear Seb had lighter bones than most people. He let out a sigh and Sebastian dropped his head to rest his cheek against Mark's. Mark moved his hands gently over Seb's back, smoothing them up and down. Sebastian stroked his cheek into Mark's and whispered in his ear.

“Don't let me go.”

Mark turned his head a fraction to speak into Seb's ear in turn.

“I never want to let go of you again.”

Seb smiled, then let his head fall a little lower, finding a place to rest it in the crook of Mark's neck, wanting to lay there in Mark's arms for as long as he could.

“We'll just have a minute,” whispered Mark.

“Mm.”

 

Perhaps it was a minute, perhaps more, neither of them really had any idea, but eventually Seb lifted his head a little to look at Mark, feeling back to himself again. He smiled down at him and Mark smiled back. They stared for a moment, then Seb leaned in to stroke his nose against Mark's, one side then the other, in a little eskimo kiss that Mark always thought adorable though he never felt the need to say as much.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded.

“You have the best ideas,” he praised.

“Hm?”

“The room.”

“Ah,” grinned Mark. “Maybe one of my better ones.”

Sebastian laughed against him and peppered his face with kisses as a thank you. Mark squeezed him in tighter and didn't let go until Seb pulled back a little.

“Move now?” asked Mark.

Seb nodded and they shifted to find a more comfortable way to lie together. Mark dragged the duvet to cover them properly and Sebastian reached out a hand to check his phone, glad that they'd thought to set their alarms while they stood around at baggage claim earlier.

“Plenty of time,” reassured Mark as Sebastian lay back in against him.

“Yeah.”

Mark slid his arm under Seb and pulled him to lie partly across, Seb hooking his leg around Mark's to tangle themselves back up nicely. He stretched up to kiss Mark again, then settled in, resting the side of his head by Mark's shoulder, his arm over Mark's chest and Mark's arms in turn wrapped right around him. They should get up and shower, but it could wait, everything could wait, just for a little while.

Sebastian breathed Mark in and closed his eyes. A couple of hours, just a couple of hours of this. That would do. That would be plenty.

Mark felt Seb slow, his chest moving steadily as his breath brushed against him, his mouth fallen open slightly. Asleep so quickly. Mark was sure it was more deeply than it had been in days. Mark kissed the top of his head and rested his cheek there.

“Love you darling.”

He got no answer, but Mark hadn't expected one. He closed his own eyes and wondered if he could join Seb in just a little nap while they could. Just a couple of hours. They should make the most of it.

 

 

  
  


  
  


Not all that much later Mark and Seb were gathering up their luggage from another conveyor belt and making sure they had everything before clearing passport control and walking through Canberra airport arrivals area towards the meeting area. They only got a foot out the door before Mark heard his name called and looked out to see his sister stood with his parents. The two of them made their way over to be greeted with the firmest of hugs all round. Mark's mother held onto each of the boys for longer, looking at each in turn and only able to give them a shake of her head as she struggled to find the words she needed to say to them. She sighed as she looked at Seb and gave him another shake of her head as Diane put a hand on his arm and looked more closely at him.

“How are you dear?”

“Oh I'm okay thank you,” answered Sebastian politely.

“How's your head?”

Sebastian frowned so Diane continued.

“Mark said you got headaches when you fly.”

“Oh.” Seb glanced at Mark who was being monopolised by his father. “No I was fine this time. Think I was just too happy to be with Mark.”

Mark overheard that last and leaned in to give Seb a kiss on the cheek. He put his arm around Seb as his mother finally let him go.

“He's fine. Aren't you darling?”

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian. “Really. I'm okay.”

“Glad to hear it,” added Mark's father.

 

Mark looked to his sister as the little group stood together.

“I wasn't expecting to see you here.”

“Well you needn't sound so disappointed,” teased Leanne.

Mark pulled a face.

“No. I just... I didn't expect it, that's all.”

“It was such a good idea to suggest this,” cut in Seb. “Thank you.”

Leanne smiled at how diplomatic Sebastian was.

“I don't know why we didn't think of it ourselves,” added Alan. “You're always welcome you know.”

Mark shrugged up one shoulder.

“We'd love to come more often. It's just fitting in the travelling.”

“Of course,” agreed his mother. “Well anyway, let's get home.”

 

Leanne fell into step alongside Seb and her brother as they walked towards the car.

“Actually the kids have all got after-school stuff today so I've got more time. That's why I came. Not that I didn't want to see you anyway.”

“Course,” agreed Mark.

“It's really nice to see you,” added Sebastian.

“Thanks. You too,” smiled Leanne.

 

They made their way through to where the family car was parked, Alan opening up the boot to fit their luggage away. Mark looked at the car, realising that all five adults were going to be travelling in it.

“Gonna be a bit of a squeeze,” he noted.

Leanne grinned.

“I'm sure Seb can sit on your knee.”

Mark rolled his eyes but as he saw that both Seb and his sister were laughing it struck him once again how well the two of them chimed in personality. It really was a shame that they couldn't live closer. It would be so nice to have family down the road to pop over for Sunday lunch rather than having to trek across the world a couple of times a year if they were lucky.

“We'll squeeze in Liebling,” reassured Sebastian. “I'll sit in the middle.”

Sebastian gave him a smile and happily slotted himself into the car so Mark could sit where there was more leg-room. As the rest climbed in, Seb kept his feet in the foot-well to the side and let his legs press into Mark's as they did up their seatbelts. Mark ignored the way his sister grinned at him and if he hadn't thought they might get stopped by the police, Mark really would have sat Seb on his knee, just to tease his sister back.

His parents looked round from their front seats.

“You all alright back there?” asked Alan.

“Fine Dad,” answered Mark. He looked to Sebastian and asked him more quietly. “You're not too squashed are you?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head. “I'm fine.”

Mark nodded. If his sister hadn't been on the other side he would have put his arm around him.

“Not far to go,” reassured Diane before turning to her husband. “Come on, they're tired. Let's get home.”

Alan nodded and did as he was told.

  
  


  
  


  
  


They settled back into position in the lounge at Mark's parents' house. This time Leanne found a seat to the side and allowed Mark and Sebastian to sit alone on the sofa while tea was made in the kitchen. Sebastian had sat himself up close, so Mark put his arm around his shoulders and Seb rested his head to the side against him.

As Diane and Alan brought the tea through they set the mugs on the coffee table and sat on the other sofa. Diane looked at Sebastian leaning into their son, glad to see him looking at home here.

“Are you tired dear?”

Sebastian lifted his head a little, not wanting to appear rude.

“Oh sorry. No I'm fine.”

“We stopped off at Melbourne, got a couple of hours there at the hotel.”

“Oh?”

“Mm.”

Mark carefully didn't look at Seb. If he smiled at that Mark knew he would respond and if they laughed it might be all too obvious what their stop had comprised of.

“You know I'm not sure I even know what day it is,” carried on Sebastian.

“It's Tuesday dear,” clarified Diane, looking at Seb.

“Right, yeah. I think I did know, just... yeah. Honestly, I'm sure five minutes ago it was Sunday.”

Mark huffed a laugh and gave Seb a smile.

“Did you not sleep on the flight?” asked Alan.

Seb looked back from Mark.

“Oh, um, yeah, just... I don't know. My head's a bit fried.”

Mark smiled at him indulgently thinking how much Seb needed his sleep, even more so after a race weekend and the week they'd had running into it. Sleep was Seb's way of recovering, physically and emotionally. When he'd been through so much he needed his re-set button more than most.

“All the time changes,” noted Mark as he looked out at his family.

“Of course,” nodded his father. “Well you can have an early night or a lie-in.”

“You can have both,” suggested his mother, automatically worrying at Seb seeming a little out of it. “As long as you like.”

Mark huffed a laugh thinking at this rate they'd spend their entire visit in bed.

“Well we have come here to see you.”

“You've come here to get a break and not be worrying about anything,” stated Diane firmly. “We've no plans, so you can do whatever you need to.”

“Thanks,” offered Mark.

“Apart from Sunday,” intervened Leanne.

“Oh?”

“Family barbie. Dad's been planning already.”

“Ah, well that's all good,” he glanced to Seb, “isn't it?”

“Yeah good.”

“So I'll be bringing my lot,” added Leanne.

Mark nodded and glanced sideways at Seb hoping that was okay with him.

“I'm looking forward to meeting them,” replied Sebastian.

Mark looked to Seb noting how he had done that without missing a beat. He really was so good. Only a year and a half ago Seb was still getting used to being back properly with his own family and now here he was, happily slotting into Mark's. He moved his thumb over Seb's arm where it rested, trying to say sorry for not guessing this might be in the works and giving him a heads-up. Then again, Seb would probably be fine. Leanne's husband and kids were perfectly nice, no reason they shouldn't all get on great, but Mark didn't want Seb feeling dropped in the deep-end when this trip was, as his mother said, all about them re-cooperating and getting themselves back on their feet after a season end that had really been far too much for both of them.

“Don't let your tea go cold,” instructed his mother, so Mark sat up and passed Seb his mug before picking up his own. As he turned around to him, slightly out of the others' view, Mark mouthed 'thank you'. Seb simply smiled back. It was oddly daunting to be meeting yet more family, but Leanne was so lovely, they all were. It would be stupid to let himself be bothered by it. All this was going to be fine and Mark would be happy to have his family all around him. That was all Seb really cared about.

 

When the tea was all finished Leanne offered to clear the mugs away and Mark felt obliged to go with her to help. Seb nearly went along too, but Diane told him to stay where he was, wanting him to have a proper rest, so Seb did as requested and sat answering Alan's enquiries about the race just gone.

 

Mark stood with his sister while she washed the mugs up at the sink, wondering whether he ought not to to go back to Seb and then telling himself off for being ridiculous worrying about him being left in the lounge with his parents for five minutes.

He looked to Leanne.

“So when have you got to get off?”

Leanne looked to the large kitchen clock on the wall.

“Four. The girls'll make their own way back, but I need to pick up Ryan from rugby.”

Mark nodded.

“What have the girls got today then?”

Leanne laughed and tried to remember from their mildly chaotic weekly schedule.

“Today; athletics for Jem, Abbey has a netball match.”

“Righto, very good,” agreed Mark.

“They're looking forward to seeing you,” noted his sister.

“Thanks, me too.”

“And to meeting their Uncle Seb at last.”

“Mm.”

Leanne frowned.

“What?”

“No, just... you could have warned me.”

“What d'you mean?”

“For Seb. Just to let me give him a heads-up the whole family were coming.”

Leanne huffed slightly.

“We're not that scary Mark for heavens sake.”

Mark shook his head.

“No I know. It's just... He's had a bad time lately. I don't want him stressing about anything.”

“Ah Mark come on. It's family. Why would he be stressing about that?”

Mark shrugged.

“I don't know.”

“He seemed perfectly happy to hear it.”

“Mm.”

“What?”

Mark gave her a look.

“That's what he does.”

“What d'you mean?” questioned Leanne.

“He seems fine. He always tries to be what he thinks people need him to be.”

 

Leanne had been going to make a joke about her kids being past the biting stage, but her brother's voice sounded so heavy. She stepped in and put a hand on his arm.

“If you don't want us to come?”

Mark felt terrible.

“No no I don't mean that. I just would have liked to mention it to him first that's all.”

“I'm sorry. I didn't think anything of it,” apologised his sister.

“No _I'm_ sorry,” apologised Mark feeling bad for making a fuss. “You shouldn't have to. I should have assumed everyone would be coming over myself. It'll be fine. I just...”

“You worry,” completed Leanne.

Mark shrugged and his sister gave his arm a rub.

“Ah Mark you've got to stop worrying about him all the time.”

“I can't help it.”

“I know.” Leanne sighed. “How is he doing, really?”

Mark shook his head.

“I don't know. He's okay. I think he just needs rest and to forget all about work and everything else.”

“Course. Both of you do.”

“Mm.”

“And he did amazingly well in the race the other day,” added Leanne.

Mark coughed a dry laugh.

“Yeah. God knows how. I told you he's pretty incredible like that. He always pulls it together, but...” he let out a heavy sigh. “There's a cost. To him, you know? Coping with everything and performing so well. It's a strain.”

Leanne nodded.

“Of course it is. And on you too.”

“Well all I had to do was sit at home,” countered Mark.

“I think that's worse for you.”

“Sitting at home is, yeah, but I couldn't go there with him.”

“I know.”

“It was horrible, even at the airport for a couple of hours. It makes you so paranoid and uncomfortable.”

“Yeah. Well you're here now and like Mum says you can both get some rest, de-stress, maybe get some fresh air and you'll feel better.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah sounds good. Sorry I didn't mean to bite at you over the barbecue thing. It'll be fine.”

“That's okay. Sorry I didn't think about Seb. I'm sure he'll be fine really.”

“Yeah he will,” confirmed Mark.

 

Leanne gave his arm another rub. When Mark was short with her it was a sure-fire sign of stress.

“Are you alright? I guess you're feeling pretty jet-lagged?”

“Mm, guess so.”

“And the rest.”

“Mm.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” prompted Leanne.

“I'm okay. Now we're back together it's better. I just hate that I wasn't there.”

Leanne nodded. She knew that he didn't simply mean the race weekend just gone.

“Well you said he did it on purpose didn't you? This Heikki.”

“Mm.”

“So you can't feel bad about it.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“That's precisely what Seb said.”

“Ah, well there you go.”

Mark shrugged and gave an unhappy shake of his head.

“I just...” He sighed. “The thought of me not being there if anything had happened. If he'd done anything...”

Mark trailed off, lost to all the terrible possibilities that both he and Seb had been working so hard to deny.

 

His sister saw the look on his face and leaned in closer.

“What could have happened?”

Mark just shook his head.

“Mark?”

Leanne stared at him, some horrible connections linking in her brain.

“What could he have done?”

Mark looked back at her, anxious that he could have accidentally said too much.

“Please don't ask.”

“But...”

“No really. I can't talk about it. I just can't. It would be the worst betrayal of trust, and trust, that's really important to us, to Seb especially.”

 

Leanne could see how sincere her brother looked. She had some very nasty suspicions what the truth was, but she wasn't going to get to know for sure. That's just how it was going to be. She wasn't the priority here. Leanne gave Mark's arm a rub and nodded.

“I get it alright. I understand. But if you want to talk, you know, without talking about anything you don't want to, then we can, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Is there anything I can do?” wondered Leanne.

“You suggested this. That's a pretty good contribution.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I think it's going to be good for both of us to get a proper break, start afresh you know?”

“Good. Okay well I'm sure Mum is going to spoil you rotten.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah I'm sure.”

“Got much else planned?”

“Nope. Just chill out for a bit really.”

Leanne nodded.

“Sounds good.”

“And it'll be fine about the family all coming. Sorry, I didn't mean to imply it was a problem,” apologised Mark.

His sister shook her head.

“I should have thought about mentioning it to Seb first.”

“It'll be fine. I over-reacted.”

“You're tired.”

“I guess. A few days and I'm sure we'll both be doing better.”

“Yeah I'm sure. Come on, no more stressing about stuff.”

Leanne stepped in and gave her brother a hug, somehow unsurprised when he dropped his head and hugged her for longer. She rubbed a soothing hand over his back, speaking quietly.

“You're going to be fine Mark. You both are.”

“Yeah.”

“You just need to have some quiet. Get away from all that stress.”

Mark nodded against her, then lifted up and puffed out a breath.

 

“You know we're so used to our lives being full of drama and stress I'm not sure we even know how to be just normal any more.”

Leanne shook her head a little.

“You will. Just don't over-think it Mark. Don't go worrying about everything. Just let yourself enjoy life being straight-forward for a bit and I think you'll find normal life works out just fine.”

“Yeah. Hope so. I think Christmas will be good.” Mark cracked a smile. “Seb's so into Christmas.”

Leanne smiled, thinking how sweet that was and how happy about it her brother sounded.

“Well that gives you a good excuse to make a fuss of him doesn't it?”

“Yeah.” He looked at his sister. “I'm sure it must seem weird, our relationship. It's really not just about me looking after him all the time.”

“No I'm sure. It's just circumstances isn't it? After what's happened, the accident and everything.”

“Yeah I suppose. Even through all that he does still...” Mark trailed off, struggling to explain it.

“What?”

He shrugged.

“I don't know, he does help me too. It's not like I'm in charge of everything or anything weird like that.”

“I didn't think it would be.”

“It's just...” Mark sighed. “He's been through too much and he can be a little fragile, but Seb really is tough underneath all that. It's like there's something at his core.”

“Pure tungsten I'd imagine,” interjected Leanne.

Mark coughed a little laugh.

“Yeah. Yeah he might bend, but he won't break. The thing is he won't show it to most people. I'm sure to them Seb just looked fine this weekend, but they've no idea how hard he had to fight just to get through it.”

“But _you_ know.”

“Yeah.”

“And you help him get through it.”

Mark shrugged.

“Just talking on the phone. It's not like being there.”

Leanne nodded.

“But you couldn't be there could you? So you did what you could. I bet if we asked Seb he'd say that made all the difference.”

“I guess.”

“Of course it did. See you're not useless Mark. I'm sure Seb appreciates it.”

Mark gave a little tip of his head.

“He even said so on the podium didn't he?” pushed his sister.

“Yeah.” Mark smiled and shook his head. “You know that really was very brave of him. Especially there. To stand up in front of the world and say that. It's a big deal.”

Leanne nodded.

“It was really very moving Mark. You could tell how much it meant to him.”

“Me too.”

“Of course.”

Mark let out a long sigh.

“See that's the thing that people don't realise; what he gives me. Seb's really changed my life. I feel like it's worth so much more now. Like I was sleepwalking before and now I'm really awake.” He looked at his sister. “I'm sure that sounds strange.”

Leanne shook her head.

“No it sounds true. Honestly I'm not sure you realise just how much you've changed.”

“Really?”

“In a good way.” Leanne was tempted to say her brother was softer now, but she suspected it wasn't a term that would go down well. “You're much more open. In the old days you'd get, well, not to put to fine a point on it Mark, you could be a grumpy sod sometimes.”

“Thanks,” smiled Mark.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah guess I do. Yeah that's definitely Seb. I think when I was upset or unhappy I just used to turn in on myself and now I have him, I suppose we talk it out or he finds ways to cheer me up.”

“Well that's great.”

“And he, well, I guess it's that he understands. You know? Properly.”

“Because you're from the same world.”

“Yeah. I think that really helps, and I don't know, there's something just to the fact that he _tries_ to help, more than anything he even says or does.”

Leanne smiled.

“That really is very sweet.”

 

Mark huffed a laugh, but Seb _was_ sweet.

“He's very kind. Seb's always trying to make such an effort to do stuff for me. He thinks he has to compensate even though he really doesn't.”

“Because you like helping him.”

“Yeah.” Mark paused. “Does that make me sound like a control-freak?”

Leanne pulled a face.

“No. Why would it?”

Mark shrugged.

“I don't know. I worry that it must seem like I'm the one in charge all the time.”

Leanne looked at him.

“Do you tell him what he can do and where he can go?”

“No course not.”

“Do you tell him who he can spend time with or what to say?”

“No. He can do what he wants. I'll only maybe say if I think something will help him, or if he doesn't need to bother when he's pushing himself too hard.”

“Fine. So you're just helping, not controlling.” Leanne smiled. “I'll bet you let Seb decide almost everything.”

“Not everything.”

“But if he ever disagreed, would you insist on something?”

“No. Well, only if it was something bad, like when we had to see the doctors.”

“Oh that doesn't count. That's just caring for him when he wasn't in a right state to do so himself,” argued Leanne.

“Right. Well okay.”

“I'm sure you find a balance Mark. That's what pretty much everybody does in one way or another. As long as you're both happy, what does it matter how that works out?”

Mark shrugged.

“I guess.”

“And I know you worry about how much you take care of him.”

Mark looked down.

“He just needs it some times.”

Leanne rubbed a hand on his arm.

“Of course he does. Like you say, Seb's been through a lot. That'll calm down.”

Mark looked at her.

“Is it bad that I like looking after him?”

“I think there'd be something wrong with you if you didn't.”

“Hm. I just worry that...” he let out a breath. “Like it's making me feel more important.”

“Ah Mark of course you're important to him, and he's important to you.”

“What if he doesn't need me anymore?”

Leanne looked at the worry in her brother's eyes.

“He will. He _will_ Mark believe me. Do you really think things will just fall apart if you're not in permanent crisis mode?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“Mark it won't. He loves you. You love him. You just need to let things settle and you'll find you need each other just as much.”

“Yeah I guess. I really do love him.”

Leanne smiled.

“Well you can tell that a mile off. And the same for him. No one could see the two of you together and not know that. Look, think about it; think of all the ordinary day-to-day things you do when you're at home. When it's not all drama, what makes you happy?”

“Just, I don't know, hanging out, talking, walking the dogs and all the stuff we do together.”

“Right, just like any other couple.”

“Yeah.” Mark gave her a softer smile. “He just makes me laugh.”

“And you make him laugh.”

“Yeah guess I do.”

Mark thought about how adorable Sebastian was when he tickled him and how his face lit up when he was happy, his eyes shining and his cheeks round. Mark longed to see more of that.

 

His sister was giving him a look.

“Listen if you can make each other laugh you're already doing way better than many couples. That's the stuff you hang on to. You can't manufacture that. It's part of the connection between you that makes you work in the first place. Can you imagine still sitting around in the kitchen with the dogs in twenty years time, just drinking tea and making each other laugh?”

Mark nodded. Somehow that image hit him right in the guts and he had to stop himself from welling up.

“That's all I want.”

Leanne gave him another hug, her brother really had changed. He was far more emotional than he had ever been before.

“Course you do,” she agreed solidly. “And I'd bet you the kids' uni fund that's what Seb wants too.”

“Yeah.”

“So stop stressing about everything and remember you guys were friends for a long time before you were together. You actually like each other and enjoy each other's company. When the world isn't ending every other week, you'll still have that.”

 

Mark puffed out a really long breath. That was a reassuring thing to hear.

“Yeah. Thank you. God I miss you.”

Leanne thought she was going to well up herself at that.

“Me too. Ah well, we've got the phone haven't we?”

“Yeah. I do appreciate you always being there.”

Leanne shrugged.

“I'm your sister. That's my job.”

“Well you do a good job.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Seb says you should charge counselling fees.”

Leanne smiled.

“Well you always say how smart he is.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“You just need to relax and see what happens rather than trying to see into the future Mark, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And accept that Seb loves you and isn't suddenly going to stop if things change slightly going forwards. Things always change. That's called life.”

“Thanks.”

“And for the record, it's actually lovely that you want to take care of him. I bet Seb loves that. Just because things might be a little less dramatic in future doesn't mean that all goes out of the window. You'll still be doing that in one way or another I'm sure.”

Mark nodded, so his sister went on.

“And I'm going to say it again because I know what a thick skull you have sometimes; Liking the fact you can help Seb is a _good_ _thing_ Mark.”

“It's not like I want him to be helpless.”

“No of course not. Do you really think he'll love you less if you're just helping him out in ordinary life? Just being a good guy like you always are?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder and Leanne shook her head.

“Mark he adores you. Seriously. It's so bloody obvious how much Seb thinks of you. That isn't going to change.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I promise. You just need to let yourself accept that life being less extreme will be a good thing. Fewer highs and lows doesn't mean you can't be happy,” insisted Leanne.

 

Mark thought about that. A calmer, steadier life. Wasn't that what he wanted? Seb too. Mark knew how much he appreciated all the little things Sebastian did to make his life happier. Didn't it makes sense to accept that Seb could feel the same way about what Mark did in turn for him?

“Just stop panicking about what everything means and let things happen, okay Mark?” pushed his sister. “You guys are the real deal, but if you're going to be together in twenty years time you just have to accept that you'll both change a little along the way. It's not always going to be easy or perfect, but if it's worth it you'll find a way to adapt.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Adapt or die.”

His sister laughed at the phrase.

“Well I wouldn't put it in such an extreme way, but yes. And you'll do it, because you love each other.”

Mark smiled.

“You always sound so certain.”

Leanne gave him a wink.

“Yeah well I had you two figured a while back.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah you're absolutely hopeless at hiding how you feel. I swear all you've talked about for two years now is Seb.”

Mark frowned.

“Ah no I haven't.”

Leanne laughed.

“You really have you know? For ages. All that talk of 'we're just friends' and then you wouldn't shut up about him.”

 

Mark gave a little shake of his head. He was never very good at being dishonest. It just didn't sit right with him. How could he hide things from his sister?

“I guess. So you're going to say you knew all along we were meant to be together?”

Leanne gave a slight tip of her head.

“Well not all along, but for a while. I was sure it would work out.”

Mark laughed.

“Probably more sure than I was.”

“Yeah probably, but that's because you were too busy worrying about things. Stop _worrying_ and let yourself enjoy life. Shouldn't this year tell you that it's more important to make the most of the here and now?”

Mark stopped at that. It was a good point. Most people liked to say how they should do things because you could be hit by a bus tomorrow, but his and Seb's careers meant that the risks were more tangible and only a few months back that had become all too real.

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded slowly and his sister squeezed his arm.

“I know that's why you worry so much Mark, about him, about the future, but you just need to relax a little bit and you'll find out for yourself that disaster isn't actually around every corner. Sometimes good things happen.” She huffed a laugh. “Surprisingly good things.”

“Surprisingly good?” questioned Mark.

Leanne smiled and nodded.

“Yeah. Surprisingly good things. Embrace it. You're going to love it.”

Mark wondered exactly what that meant, but it did seem a better way of looking at things.

“Okay. Thank you. I guess we just need to let go of all that stress first.”

“Exactly,” confirmed his sister. “That's why you're here.”

“True,” agreed Mark. “Thank you. You're pretty good at de-stressing me too.”

Leanne shrugged and shook her head.

“You know what Mark, it actually feels good to be able to help.” She pulled a teasing face. “Does that make me weird and controlling cos I like helping you out a bit?”

Mark smiled in defeat.

“Damn you got me.”

“Well I'm your big sister. I know everything don't I?”

She gave his arm a pat.

“No stressing for a bit. Let's go back through. Poor Seb'll be thinking I've kidnapped you.”

 

They returned to the lounge to find their mother ticking their father off for interrogating Sebastian on every detail about his last race. Mark sat himself back down with Seb who gave him a little look.

“Sorry. We were washing up.”

Sebastian nodded. And talking he had no doubt. Leanne was Mark's sounding board, he was hardly surprised they'd taken their time.

“Right then Mark,” started his father. “Tell us all about your new contract then?”

“Oh let them be,” intervened his wife. “We've got all week. They're tired now.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's alright Mum.”

They needed to reclaim their good news from being associated with how Heikki had tried to exploit it. Mark slipped his arm back around Seb to keep him close while he told his parents all about it, casting Sebastian a look every now and again to be sure it wasn't bothering Seb to hear him talk about it. He left out all details of how the day had ended and thankfully his parents had enough sense not to mention it either. They could manage this. Everything was going to be okay. Mark just had to relax and let himself accept that.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning they woke late, all alarms switched off to allow themselves a lie-in. It was gone ten o'clock before they finally woke and another half hour after that before there was a tap on the door. Mark and Sebastian shuffled up from where they had been lying contentedly together and sat up slightly in bed, glad as ever that pyjamas were very much on the agenda while they were here.

“Yeah?” responded Mark.

The bedroom door opened slowly and Dianne appeared bearing two steaming mugs. She smiled over at them.

“I thought you might like a cup of tea.”

“Oh. Thanks Mum.”

Diane brought them over and handed one to each, Sebastian thanking her also.

“Now then there's no rush to get up. You take as long as you want.”

Mark smiled, thinking his mother never used to expect him to take lie-ins, but things were different now. She left them to it and Sebastian took a sip of his tea before turning in ever so slightly to Mark as he leaned into him.

“Your mum's lovely.”

Mark smiled.

“She likes you. Never used to get brought tea in bed when it was just me.”

Sebastian pouted at him.

“Poor Liebling,” he teased.

Mark laughed and rolled his eyes. It was true though. His mother definitely had a soft spot for Seb. Then again he had a pretty soft spot for Seb himself.

 

  
  


  
  


Another half hour later Mark brought the empty mugs down to the kitchen were his mother was having a tidy up. She turned to see her son walking in, now dressed.

“Oh you're up then? Where's Seb?”

“Grabbing a shower.”

Diane nodded.

“Do you want some breakfast?”

“Oh, I'll wait for Seb thanks.”

“Of course. Another cup of tea?”

“Ah, um, yeah why not. Thanks.”

Diane made them both a cup and they sat at the kitchen table.

 

“Your father's gone out to buy some... oh I don't know what it is, something he says he needs to replace on the barbecue that's worn through.”

“Oh right.”

“Seb alright this morning?” his mother checked.

“Yeah he's fine. Just jet-lag yesterday I think and the weekend was a bit much for him.”

Diane nodded, then decided to let out some of the concerns she'd been carrying since they arrived while Sebastian wasn't around.

“He looks thin.”

“Ah Mum,” sighed Mark.

“No I know it's none of my business and you boys have to stay light to race, but...”

Diane left off and sighed.

Mark matched the sigh.

“He's better than he was,” Mark confessed.

“Is he?”

Mark gave a nod.

“Back... after we came home from the hospital. It wasn't good.”

Diane reached out and took Mark's hand to give it a squeeze.

“Oh sweetheart. You must have been so worried about him.”

Mark gave her a little nod.

“You poor thing.”

“Worse for him,” argued Mark.

“Well I'm not so sure about that.”

Mark looked at his mother and didn't know what to say. She shook her head at him sadly.

“You've both been through a terrible time.”

“Yeah.”

No point denying it.

“I nearly lost him Mum,” admitted Mark, his voice quavering.

“Oh sweetheart.”

Mark sat there while his mother moved in and pulled him into the longest hug. Neither spoke for a while. It just felt good to hang on and feel close after being apart for so long. Mark closed his eyes and buried his face in her shoulder. He'd needed this hug three months ago, but it still mattered more than he could say.

 

Eventually his mother let Mark sit up.

“You know I told your father we should come over, but he said Seb's family would be there.”

“Yeah they were.”

“Mm. I suppose we didn't want to crowd you,” allowed Diane.

Mark nodded. Then closed his eyes and shook his head.

“I was so scared Mum.”

Diane took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Ah sweetheart of course you were. How awful.”

Mark puffed out a breath. He didn't really want to think back to those times.

His mother gave his hand a rub.

“He was alright though wasn't he?”

“Yeah course.”

“Yes of course. He's tough little thing isn't he?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Not so little.”

“Mm.”

Diane still thought Sebastian looked far too little to her eyes.

“Anyway, he pulled through didn't he?” she reminded her son.

“Yeah. I just... just for a bit I really thought he might not.”

“Oh darling.”

“I should have known he wouldn't give up, but I just got so scared I couldn't think straight,” Mark confessed.

“Yeah. Ah sweetheart, of course you were scared.”

“And he was so out of it even after. I really didn't know if he was going to be okay again.”

“But he is.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Pretty much?”

Mark squashed his face a bit, wondering at giving away too much, but surely his mother didn't count?

 

“I mean yeah the headaches, but... his memory's miles better now but he does worry about stuff, just details really, journalists' names, that sort of thing.”

Diane nodded.

“Well of course anything like that's worrying, but that's so much better than he was isn't it?”

“Yeah course. Yeah he is pretty much okay now, miles better. When I look back...”

Mark shook his head. “I honestly don't know how we got through it.”

“But you did, didn't you darling?”

Mark nodded.

“When we came home Heike, Seb's mum, came to stay for a bit.”

“I know.”

“Right. Well anyway. It was okay in the end, just...”

“You've had a hard time.”

“Mm.”

“And then this terrible business last week,” added Diane.

Mark looked at his mother.

“Yeah. Look don't go mentioning that to Seb will you?”

“No of course not.”

“I mean it's okay. It's over with, but just don't say anything,” emphasised Mark.

Diane leaned in to him.

“I won't. None of us will.”

Mark nodded.

“Thanks. Sorry, he's just still getting past it and we need to forget all about that now.”

“Of course. Alright dear, don't worry about that.”

“Okay.”

“We'll have to feed him up a bit,” she decided.

Mark huffed a laugh. He was sure his mother would adopt Seb given the option.

 

“You look too thin as well,” noted Diane.

“I'm alright Mum. You know I weigh more now than when I was in F1.”

“Hmm,” agreed Diane vaguely, still thinking it wasn't much of an improvement. “Well Seb definitely needs to put on weight. Surely even in F1?”

“Yeah a bit maybe. He's okay. It's just...”

Mark hesitated, not wanting to give too many of Sebastian's secrets away, but feeling the need to make his mother understand.

“When he's not doing too well. If he's upset or, you know, stressed out about stuff, he can't eat properly.”

“What do you mean?” frowned Diane.

Mark shrugged.

“He gets sick with it.”

“Sick with worry?”

“Yeah kinda, but actually sick too.”

“Oh.”

Diane huffed a sigh and shook her head unhappily. No wonder Seb looked so ill frequently and was plainly underweight.

“I mean he's okay most of the time, but when something's happened it hits him pretty hard and you can't make him eat when he feels so sick and...” Mark shrugged again. “He just has to rest. That's how he gets through it.”

Diane nodded. No wonder her son worried so much about Seb.

“And after the accident he really struggled to have any appetite at all to be honest. The concussion just made him feel so ill all he could do was take his painkillers and they pretty much knocked him for six.”

“Of course. Ah, oh dear Mark. Poor thing. Poor both of you.”

Mark looked to her, wishing that his mother really could have been around a bit back then.

“He is much better now. It's just last week was a set-back.”

“I see. Well that's done with now isn't it?”

“Yeah. We just want to leave it behind.”

“Of course you do. Well we won't be bringing it up,” promised his mother.

“Thank you.”

“And we'll make sure you get lots of rest and food.”

Mark huffed a laugh thinking his mother had the same plans for him as for Seb.

 

“Thanks. He'll be alright. Seb's far stronger than he looks.”

Diane nodded, thinking he'd have to be to survive what she knew he had been through.

“I'm sure he is dear, and so are you.”

Mark gave her a smile.

“It helped, you know what you said last time we were here.”

“Oh?”

“That if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for.”

“Ah. Well good. I wasn't anticipating you having to fight quite so much though sweetheart.”

Mark shrugged.

“'It is worth it though.”

“Good. Well I think you've both fought long enough. You need a break from all that now.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“God yeah.”

His mother laughed along with him and Seb chose that moment to walk in, having showered and dressed. Diane got up and gave him a quick hug that threw Seb a little, but he wasn't about to reject her affection and kindness.

 

“Now then. You boys sit there and I'm going to make you a proper Aussie breakfast. No diets this week.”

Sebastian sat down by Mark who smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Resistance is futile sweetheart,” Mark warned.

Seb nodded and accepted the cup of tea that Diane offered.

 

A few minutes later Alan reappeared and joined them at the table as Diane deposited two full plates of breakfast to the others.

“Did you get what you needed?” she asked her husband.

“Yeah no problem.” Alan turned to his son. “Burned right through the surround on the barbecue so I'm going to replace it.”

“Ah okay,” acknowledged Mark. “Need a hand?”

Alan caught his wife's eye and knew she wanted them let be.

“Oh no you boys have a rest.”

Mark looked at his mother, tempted to tell her that they weren't actually ill, but it seemed ungrateful so he merely shook his head.

 

“Nah's no problem.” He glanced to Sebastian. “You don't mind do you?”

“No course not,” agreed Seb, thinking he really didn't care what they did this week as long as they were together.

“Oh well actually that will be a help,” agreed Alan. “I'm not quite sure how we're going to do it. Think a bit of welding might be required.”

Diane shuddered to think what they were going to get up to.

Mark smiled at Seb and put an arm around him.

“Seb's got a good engineering brain,” he praised.

Sebastian gave him a sideways look, thinking that hanging around watching what the engineers and mechanics did in the garage didn't actually qualify him on either front, but if he could help, he would.

“Excellent,” agreed Alan. “Well you boys finish up here and then you can help me in the garage.”

“For gods sake be careful,” warned Diane.

Alan tsk'd at her caution.

“They'll be fine. Now then. What else have you got planned?”

Mark and Sebastian looked to one another, both shrugging.

“Not much really,” replied Mark. “Just chilling out I guess.”

 

Alan nodded. His wife had given him a talking to about ensuring they both got some rest, but he thought fresh air would do them some good.

“I was thinking you might want to get out a bit,” he suggested.

“You could show Seb around,” interceded Diane.

“That'd be nice,” agreed Seb, thinking it would be interesting to see where Mark had grown up.

“Yeah okay,” accepted Mark. “We can give Dad a hand then we'll take a stroll out. I can show you the highlights of the town.”

“Sure,” nodded Seb.

“Shouldn't take more than an hour,” joked Mark.

“ _Mark_ ,” chided his mother, but as she looked she saw both of them were laughing.

“It's not that big a place Mum,” noted Mark.

“I come from a small town,” argued Seb as he looked at Mark. “I'm sure it's the same only warmer.”

“Much warmer,” agreed Mark.

“I thought you promised to show me the outback one day,” noted Seb.

“Oh you should do that. Get out and about anyway,” concurred Alan. “You don't have to go far to get some proper country round here.”

Mark noticed the way his mother didn't look overly impressed at his dad suggesting they hike off somewhere when she thought they needed rest, but he thought it a good idea.

“Yeah maybe. What d'you think?” he asked Seb.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah sounds good.”

“Maybe tomorrow?” intervened Diane, thinking they ought to at least catch their breath first before dashing off.

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

“Well alright,” agreed Diane. “You can borrow my car.”

“Thanks Mum.”

“Why don't you head south a bit?” suggested Alan.

“Tomorrow dear, they don't need to worry about plans today,” insisted Diane.

“What's south?” asked Sebastian.

“National park. It's nice. Proper big open space. Reckon you'd like it,” explained Mark.

“Well then why don't you do that?” agreed Alan. “Catch up on yourselves today and get out a bit tomorrow?”

Mark looked to Seb who nodded.

“Sounds like a plan,” settled Mark.

 

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


Next morning Sebastian stood on the driveway while Mark sat in his mother's car, moving everything around so he could actually drive it. His mother stood with Seb, biting her tongue from saying how forcefully her son was shifting things about in her little run-around.

“I think he's put the seat back about a foot,” commented Sebastian.

Diane smiled at him.

“Well it won't go back any further so he'll have to manage.” She leaned forwards to see what Mark was doing now. “You alright in there Mark?”

Mark swung his long legs out and looked at the waiting pair.

“She'll do.”

“Don't suppose she's got quite the horsepower you're used to,” noted his mother.

Mark huffed a laugh. A tiny little 1.2 litre two door hatchback? No not quite the same as his LMP1 Porsche.

“She'll be right Mum. It's kind of you to lend her.”

“No problem. Now then I'll go and see if your dad's found that little backpack he was looking out for you.”

Diane disappeared off into the house and Seb stepped in closer to look into the car.

“Alright then?”

“Yeah it'll be fine. We only need to go half an hour or so. I know a place we can hire mountain bikes and follow some trails if you're up for that?” proposed Mark.

“Sounds good.”

“Great.”

Mark climbed out and they went to get all their things together. Mark's mother insisting on loading them up with snacks and a packed lunch and they fitted that along with several water bottles in the bag Alan had found them.

Mark's parents waved them off as Mark backed the car down the driveway. As they drove away Alan turned to his wife.

“Now then, no fretting over them today. Fresh air and sunshine. Best thing for them.”

Diane nodded. On this at least she suspected her husband was right.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark and Seb crested the pathway edging the wooded hillside and stopped where it opened out allowing them to see over the valley.

“Wow.”

Mark smiled at the expression on Seb's face as they stood together, both straddling their hired bikes to balance them as they looked out.

“Yeah pretty great isn't it?” Mark agreed.

Sebastian turned to look at him and shook his head.

“It's beautiful. It's so... _big_.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah. Aus mate. We've got lots of space.”

“How far does it go?”

“Australia?”

Sebastian laughed and batted at Mark's arm.

“The national park, idiot.”

Mark grinned.

“Dunno. Think a couple of parks blend into one so it's pretty mega.”

“It's amazing.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark wasn't looking at the scenery, he was smiling at how happy Seb looked. It did feel good to be out here, the whole world left behind. Clean oxygen in their lungs as they cycled up the rough tracks, not passing another soul once they'd set off away from the base with the visitor centre and bike hire where they'd left the car a couple of hours ago.

He looked back out and pointed into the distance.

“Out over that way there's a lake Dad and I used to go fishing at.”

Sebastian peered over, but there were too many tall trees in the way.

“I can't see it.”

“No, it's behind a ridge where it drops down a bit.”

“Could we go that way?” wondered Seb.

Mark looked at his watch. They'd gone uphill instead, Mark thinking they'd get nice views for their lunch coming this way.

“Bit far. We used to go and stay overnight,” he explained.

“Oh really? That sounds nice,” commented Sebastian thinking how lovely it was to hear all Mark's stories in context. Yesterday they'd wandered all around the neighbourhood, Mark showing him where he'd gone to school and played sports, where he'd hung out as a teenager and driven his first road car. All the places that made him the person he was.

“Mm,” agreed Mark. “Guess it was kindof cool really. It's about half a day's hike. Even if we biked it's a fair way.”

“No of course. This is nice too. Really amazing views,” praised Seb.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“You want to stop here or go on up to the top?”

“We can go on if you want.”

“Righto.”

  
  


They cycled on for another couple of miles until they reached the top of the hill and the woodland cleared out into scrubby cover and rocks and they had to climb off to push the bikes to the last part of the summit. They put the bikes down as the path finally petered out and looked at the huge rock that marked the very top.

“Wanna climb it?” suggested Mark.

“Sure.”

They pulled off their cycling helmets and ditched them with the bikes and made their way over to find a way to climb up the thirty or so feet to the top. Mark headed off first, scrambling up the reddish sandstone, trying to find hand-holds and crevices to put his feet as the angle steepened as they went higher. It was tricky in spots and he had to reach back to tug Seb up behind him where they had to get over the lip of the rock onto the flat-ish surface. Once they were both safely up they stood and stared out at the view.

“Wow,” breathed Sebastian in awe.

“Yeah.”

They gazed ahead from their vantage point; Woodland and scrubland, valleys and plains as far as the eye could see, water somewhere far off glinting in the bright sunlight. Sebastian sighed and shook his head, unable to come up with words sufficient to sum up the view. Mark put his arm around him and they just stood there for a minute, taking it all in.

Mark leaned over and gave Sebastian a kiss on the cheek.

“Is this what you wanted sweetheart?”

Sebastian turned his head to look at Mark.

“It's...” he shook his head. “Incredible. Thank you.”

“Thank you?”

“For bringing me here. It's wonderful.”

“Ah well it's not really the outback. You'd have to go a way further for that proper. This is the bush.”

“The bush?”

“Yep. That's what we call it. Places like this; forest, open spaces, bit of country, but not really the interior.”

“Oh I see.”

“That's still okay isn't it?” checked Mark.

“Course it is. It's amazing.”

Mark squeezed him in, only glad that Seb was happy.

“Come on let's get a drink,” he prompted.

The two of them sat down and Mark pulled his backpack off his shoulders so they could drink some water as they sat quietly looking out, feeling content.

 

“Shall we have our lunch?” prompted Sebastian.

“Oh, um.”

Mark glanced at the sky. They were both wearing sunscreen to protect themselves, but the heat could get intense after a while.

“Tell you what mate, let's find some shade or we'll be keeling over.”

“Oh right, okay.”

They stood again, ready to climb down. As Seb looked at the view again he peered at the glinting light in the distance.

“Is that the lake?”

Mark glanced at where their slight shadows fell and worked out the direction.

“Yeah must be.”

They scrambled back down the way they'd come. Mark turned as he reached the ground, looking to see if Seb needed help, but Sebastian jumped the last part and Mark had to half catch him to stop Seb propelling himself too far, both laughing and not minding at all that they were suddenly flung together once again.

 

Once they were safely on the ground they went round to the side of the rock where the shade fell and found a comfortable enough spot to sit and eat where they could still look out at the landscape below. As they finished eating they sat with their bottles of water and leaned up against the rock, Mark's arm around Seb as he leaned in.

“Alright sweetheart?” he checked.

“Mm. This is great. Just what I needed. The world feels a million miles away.”

“Yeah it really does,” agreed Mark.

“It really makes you feel...” Sebastian searched for the right word. “ _Free_. Just all this space with no one else around. It's wonderful.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Well let's just stay here a bit.”

“You comfy?”

“Yeah mate, no problem.”

Mark was leaning against hard and craggy rock that was digging into his back, but he didn't really care. When he was with Seb like this he was always comfortable. Sebastian sighed and dropped his head down on Mark's shoulder as Mark kept his arm around him, thinking how perfect this was; perfect blue sky, perfect view, perfect Mark, perfectly together and the real world so far away you couldn't even see a road in the distance. Not a sound but the distant hint of wind in the trees below. Perfect.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


That evening they sat around the dinner table back at Mark's parents' house, filling them in on their day as they ate. Diane smiled to see them both looking rather better. She had to admit that her husband had been right about it doing them good. There was definitely more colour in Seb's cheeks as he sat there animatedly telling them how impressed he had been.

“You know it's probably pretty stupid, but I guess I used to assume the once you got out of the cities it was really almost a desert, not forests and, well, all we saw today,” confessed Seb.

Alan smiled.

“I think a lot of people have those preconceptions. It's just the stereotype. Lot more to us than that.”

“Of course.”

“I take it you've never been out in the country round here?” Alan asked Seb.

“No never. I'd only been to Melbourne before I'd come here. It's amazing. Really. I mean I love the countryside back home, but there's just something to the scale of it all. I've never seen anything like it,” praised Seb.

“We didn't even get all that far,” noted Mark.

“It was good though.”

“Of course.”

Diane looked at Sebastian's empty plate.

“Will you have some more dear?”

“Oh, um, yes thank you.”

Seb passed his plate back and allowed Mark's mother to give him seconds, pleased to see her smile in response.

“We used to go fishing over that way didn't we Mark,” added his father.

“Yeah I was telling Seb,” confirmed Mark.

“We could just about see the lake from the top,” Seb added.

“It was a bit far from where we were,” Mark noted.

“Ah well. Why don't you take another trip and show him Yorrabar?” suggested his dad.

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“Yorrabar?”

“That's the lake,” Mark explained.

“Oh I see.”

“That's a good idea,” agreed Diane.

Mark thought about it.

“Not sure you could bike it. The paths are pretty hit and miss over that way. We were on proper tracks today,” he noted.

“You could hike?”

“Mm maybe. Bit far.”

“Well we used to camp didn't we?” commented his father.

 

Diane smiled over at Seb.

“You should have seen Mark. He used to get so excited to be allowed to go off with his dad on an adventure.”

“Ah Mum,” complained Mark, but Sebastian was loving it.

“Really?”

“Oh yes, they used to go for a couple of days, have a rare old time.”

Mark sighed, sure that his mother was about it embarrass him with old photos in a minute.

“You never seemed to come back with any fish,” noted Diane.

Alan laughed.

“That wasn't really the point.”

Mark smiled. His father was right, the point had been to have a little escape from the constraints of normal life; school and home and everything else.

“You should do it,” proposed Alan as he looked to his son, “you and Seb. Go to the lake.”

“We've not really got all that long here.”

“No but you could go for one night. Show Seb round a bit more while you can. Bet you'd like that wouldn't you?” Alan prompted.

Sebastian nodded politely and Mark looked to him, mulling it over.

“Maybe.”

“Do you have stuff?” wondered Sebastian.

“Hm?”

“For camping?”

“Oh. Ah well it's not proper camping,” explained Mark. “It's more like walkabout camping.”

“Huh?

“Just bed down for the night.”

“Aren't there like, spiders and... I don't know, dangerous wildlife?” worried Seb.

Mark grinned and leaned in closer to him where they sat together down one side of the table.

“Oh yeah tigers and all sorts.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes at him. “Behave.”

“ _Mark_ ,” tsk'd his mother, but she could see that they were both laughing.

 

Mark shrugged as he calmed down.

“Nah nothing much up there. Besides we always used to find a spot where we could have a fire, that keeps most things away.”

“Oh I see.”

Alan looked at the two of them, thinking how much more lively the pair were than when they had first arrived.

“Why don't you go?” he pushed. “Make the most of your time here.”

Mark hmm'd.

“Seeing as your sister and everyone's here Sunday, why don't you go for tomorrow night?” suggested Diane, thinking that Friday was probably the only option seeing as they were flying home early on Tuesday.

“You don't mind us not being here?” checked Mark.

“Course not.”

“We're meant to be visiting you.”

“You're meant to be relaxing and doing what you want to. Go. Show Seb the lake and have a nice time.”

Mark turned to Sebastian

“What d'you reckon? Could be fun. We could hike out tomorrow afternoon, head back Saturday morning.”

“No rush,” reminded his mother.

“Yeah okay, but get back Saturday at some point,” adjusted Mark looking back to Seb. “What d'you think?”

Sebastian nodded, thinking getting out into that beautiful countryside again would feel nice.

“Yeah okay. I've never walkabout camped before.”

“Ah you'll be fine. Doesn't get that cold at night this time of year.”

“I'm sure we can find our old stuff,” noted Alan. “It'll be in the loft. You don't need much, few bedding rolls and sleeping bags. I'm sure we can dig them out.”

“Thanks Dad, that'd be good.”

Sebastian looked to Mark with innocent eyes.

“Will you protect me from all the roaming tigers?”

Mark laughed and leaned in to put his arm around him.

“Yes darling, I promise.”

Diane looked to her husband and gave him an approving look, she was sure his suggestion would do them the world of good.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


The next morning the whole family were involved in getting the things they needed ready. Mark and his father had climbed into the loft and pulled out a pair of slightly dusty backpacks big enough to hold everything and Diane had found some sleeping bags at the bottom of airing cupboard and was now sorting them out some food and drink to take with them. Mark and Seb were sat on the floor of the bedroom, rolling and folding and squashing things up to fit everything in. That done they went down to add in the things Diane had assembled before Alan came through from delving around in the garage.

“Found it.”

He held up a rather battered tin kettle that had proved useful on their former trips, unused for twenty years or so.

“Knew we'd never throw it out. Di boil some water for us love and we'll give it a wash out.”

Mark looked up from trying to fit in all the food supplies his mother deemed essential, splitting the dry things into Seb's backpack and the cold into a little cool-bag in his. The camping kettle looked pretty ropey but it was only for one night and his parents were being so enthusiastic it would feel rude to reject anything. Come tomorrow morning they might well be grateful for the means to make themselves a coffee of any description.

His mother turned around from putting the kettle on to boil.

“Did you find those boots in there as well?”

“No. I'll look under the stairs,” replied her husband. “Mark you don't remember where your old pair are do you?”

Mark shook his head. He'd thought they'd be at the back of his wardrobe, but no sign.

“I'll look,” he offered.

“No you carry on. Seb what size are you? There might be some old ones for you too.”

“Oh um,” Sebastian looked to Mark. “I thought trainers would do?”

Mark shrugged. “At a pinch. Boots are better though. It's a fair walk.”

“I'll have a dig,” offered his father. “What size Seb?”

“Eight, maybe seven and half,” Seb replied.

Mark grinned at him.

“So dainty.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Ah shut up.”

Mark laughed and put his arm around him to give Seb a quick squeeze to soften the tease.

“Better than my great clodhoppers. Think I used to give Adrian sleepless nights trying to work out how to fit these elevens in the car.”

 

Mark fitted the last of the things he had away, while his mother came back with the washed and dried camping kettle. Mark took it and tried to fit it in before Seb gave him a look and took it off him to put in his bag instead. He'd already noticed the way Mark tried to put all the heaviest things in his own rucksack. He might be smaller and lighter, but Seb didn't think he was a complete weakling. He could manage.

“I can fit it,” Seb insisted.

“Righto,” agreed Mark.

His mother came over with a pack of wet-wipes for Mark to slot into his bag. He smiled as Seb frowned at them.

“Camping essential sweetheart.”

“If you say so,” Sebastian accepted.

Mark wondered where his father had got to.

“I'll just see how Dad's getting on.”

 

He stepped out into the hall and found his father half crawled under the stairs, digging through the detritus of countless years of family life. Mark was about to offer to take over or him when his father emerged.

“Aha!” he declared triumphantly, bearing a pair of boots.

Mark smiled and took them.

“Excellent. Thanks Dad.”

Mark pulled one on, just to check they still fitted. He couldn't remember the last time he'd worn them, a couple of years back maybe.

“They alright?” checked his dad.

“Yep. Great thanks.”

Alan picked up another pair Mark hadn't noticed.

“Think these might do for Seb.”

Mark peered at them, not recognising the boots.

“They mine?” he asked, wondering if they might be a pair from when he was a teenager.

Alan looked towards the open kitchen door, then leaned in a little closer to speak confidentially.

“Ah. Um no, they were your sister's.”

Mark pulled a face, but his father laughed and gave him a wink.

“What he doesn't know...”

Mark nodded. What did it matter? Boots were boots. It wasn't exactly as though they were covered in pink flowers. Hardly Leanne's style even when she had been younger.

 

They went through and offered them to Seb who gratefully accepted the boots without question. Half an hour later and they had all finished fussing around and going back and forth around the house, remembering various little things to include and pack away.

Mark and Sebastian looked at the two backpacks as they put them into Mark's mother's car. Mark laughed and shook his head, seeing how rammed with 'essentials' they were.

“I think we could stay for a week, never mind a night.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“They're not that heavy. We'll be fine Liebling. Your parents are very kind.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah. Right then, cup of coffee and we'll be off?”

“Yep,” agreed Seb.

They went back though to sit and have a drink before leaving, saying thank you for all the help and assuring them that they would be back in plenty of time for dinner the next day.

As they climbed into the car and set off Mark smiled to think how no one would think to look and see the pair of racing drivers in a tiny little car like this, straining on the road out of town if he pushed it over sixty miles an hour, when both of them were well used to handling cars at over two hundred miles an hour. He'd offered to buy his mother a better car, but as usual she wouldn't hear of it. His parents had what they needed and were content with it. Mark thought that was a salutary lesson to others. He smiled over and patted Seb's leg.

“Alright sweetheart?”

Sebastian smiled back at him.

“Yeah this is fun. I feel like we're running away together.”

Mark laughed.

“Making a bid for freedom? Yeah I like that.”

Seb nodded and looked out of the window as the houses began to become more sparse and the countryside opened up around them. Nobody was looking at them, nobody caring who they were or where they were going. Out and out until there was no one on the road but them and they had left the real world far behind them. They were free.

  
  


 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as requested there's more than one chapter to them being in Australia. I do think they need a proper break after all.


	112. Navigation - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the second part of their sojourn in Australia.

 

* * *

 

  
  


At the visitor car-park where they had begun their day out yesterday they got everything ready and pulled on their boot before re-applying sunscreen and adding caps to protect themselves from the strong afternoon sun. Sebastian grinned as he looked over at Mark.

“What?” Mark frowned.

Sebastian reached over and smoothed out the excess sunscreen on the bridge of Mark's nose.

“Thank you,” offered Mark. “Right then, let's just have a quick look at where we're going.”

He pulled out the map tucked in at the top of his bag and set it on the bonnet of the car to show Seb, pointing out roughly were they ought to be walking.

“It's mostly through the woods. There is a track of sorts at least part of the way if I remember rightly, but it doesn't matter too much as long as we're going in the right direction.”

Sebastian nodded, about to ask how they made sure of that when Mark took a tiny compass out of his pocket and set it on the map. He smiled, thinking how Mark teased him for being such a boy-scout, but Mark was the one doing all the orienteering.

“Okay?”

“All good,” Seb confirmed.

“Great,” smiled Mark and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Ready to go?”

“Yep.”

 

They pulled their backpacks on and Mark fitted the map and compass away in one of the large pockets of his long shorts. Seb shuffled the backpack on his shoulders to make sure it rested comfortably and looked out to the trees at the edge of the car-park. Once upon a time he could never have imagined doing something as daring as hiking off into the wild like this, but with Mark by his side Sebastian knew everything would be okay. It was an adventure. For once Seb wasn't worrying about anything going wrong. Even if they got a bit lost he was sure they'd find their way again and it wasn't as if they had any deadlines or anyone to please other than themselves. Mark slipped his hand into his as they set off and gave him a warm smile.

“Make sure you keep an eye out for paw-prints,” advised Mark.

Sebastian frowned.

“Paw-prints?”

“From all the tigers.”

Seb let go his hand batted at Mark's arm who dodged away, cracking up with laughter.

“You're not funny,” complained Seb.

Mark looked over to check that Sebastian was smiling and not really offended at his silliness.

“Sorry darling, I'm only teasing. There's nothing too exotic round here to worry about.”

“Are there crocodiles? In the lake I mean?” wondered Sebastian.

“Oh no. They don't really come this far south. It's too cold for them.”

“Ah right. That's good then. Although that means I'll be missing the opportunity to watch you wrestle with one.”

Mark chuckled.

“Like Croc Dundee?”

“Yep.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark, “that is a shame. Guess I'll just have to find someone else to wrestle with.”

“Oh really?” smiled Seb.

“Mm.”

“That does sound entertaining.”

“I thought so.”

Mark sent Seb a wicked look which Seb smiled blandly back at.

“I wonder who you'll find to do that with?” replied Sebastian innocently.

Mark pulled a face and Sebastian laughed back. Mark would have tickled him in revenge but for the backpacks being in the way. Stupid backpacks. His seemed to weigh a tonne with all the 'essentials' his parents had helpfully loaded them up with. He couldn't wait until they actually got where they were going. A couple of hours, nothing too strenuous. He slipped his hand back into Seb's while the path was wide enough for them to do so and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Dunno sweetheart. I'm sure I'll think of somebody.”

“I'm sure you will too,” agreed Sebastian.

  
  


  
  


It was getting on for five o'clock before they finally reached the ridge where the forest petered out, then all of a sudden they saw the lake stretch out in front of them. They taken a couple of wrong turns here and there once the paths had run out and what seemed like a clear way through turned out to be impassable where it was overgrown, but Mark didn't think he'd done too badly.

“See, got there in the end,” he noted.

“Course. I never doubted you Liebling,” assured Sebastian.

“Spose it's been a while. Everything grows and changes doesn't it?”

“Absolutely. Anyway, here now.”

 

The two of them walked out past the line of trees towards the lake. Where they had come out was raised up with a small rocky headland perhaps twenty feet above the water, but it sloped down towards the right so they followed the line along to where the land met the water's edge in a gentle incline. Seb stood looking out across the water.

“It's beautiful.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah it really is. Guess I never appreciated it as a kid, but I know how lucky I was to have this pretty much on my doorstep.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh to think of a half hour drive followed by several hours trekking through a forest as 'on your doorstep,' but then these things were relative in a country the size of Australia.

“Right then. Fancy a little paddle? Cool our feet,” asked Mark.

“Um, yeah sure.” Seb paused. “You weren't winding me up about the crocodiles where you?”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling. Not about something like that. We're really fine here.”

Sebastian looked into the water. It was a clouded here at the edge where the eddies of water mixed with the mud, but further out it looked clear blue.

“Then again, if you feel anything nibbling your toes, maybe say, yeah?”

“Mark!”

Mark was laughing again at his own stupid joke.

“Okay, okay, not funny. Really sweetheart they're only common in the Northern Territory or salt-water. This is freshwater and besides it's too cold. They'd never survive here.”

Sebastian nodded and then laughed.

“Doesn't seem cold to me. I'm boiling.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“I know what you mean. Right come on then mate, let's dump these.”

Mark was already hauling his backpack off as they walked over to a patch of grass to divest themselves of bags and boots ready to wade into the water.

Given how hot the weather was the water itself felt relatively cold, but that was no doubt merely the contrast with how hot they'd felt stuck in boots for the afternoon trekking through the woods. Seb walked in, the mud squelching rather delightfully through his toes. He felt like a little boy again, on a family trip to the seaside or lakes where the water was far colder than this. He waded in as far as he could until his shorts were dipping into the water. Seb was about to say something when he turned to Mark only to be met with a splash of water.

“Argh, Mark!”

Mark was bent double laughing, so Sebastian took the opportunity to give him a good splash back.

“Ahh, bloody hell.”

Mark looked down at his half-soaked clothes and shook his head.

“Well you started it,” countered Seb.

“Mm, spose. Do you want to go for a proper swim?”

“Could do.”

“Guess we should have put proper bathers in, but these'll dry.”

 

Seb nodded and they waded back to shore to remove their t-shirts. They were about to walk back in when Mark looked along to where the land rose up sharply further along.

“Wanna jump in?”

Sebastian followed his gaze.

“Is it safe?”

“Yeah no rocks, fairly deep there where it hangs over. I wouldn't recommend diving, but yeah you can jump. I've done it before.”

“Yeah alright. Race you.”

“What?”

Seb pelted off up the dirt pathway and Mark raced after him to reach the top. As Mark caught him up Seb was stood at the very edge of the rock peering over into the water below.

“Promise you it's safe sweetheart.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I know. I'm just looking.”

“Right then. Gonna do it?”

“Yep.”

They looked at one another and Mark offered out his hand. Seb took it and Mark gave him a smile.

“If we go, we go together, right?”

“Right Liebling.”

They took a step back, looked at each other again then Sebastian shrugged.

“Go on three?” he offered.

“Right you are.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and readied himself to jump. Mark copied him and began the countdown.

“Okay. One, two...”

“Three!” yelled Seb, tugging on Mark's hand to launch the pair of them off the rocky outcrop, splashing down into the water below, dipping under the surface and coming up spluttering and laughing.

“Alright?” checked Mark as they swam on the spot.

“Brilliant,” laughed Seb. “Come on, race you out there.”

  
  


 

Nearly an hour later they lay stretched out on the rough grass just beyond the water's edge, their heads resting on their backpacks as they let themselves dry out in the still hot sun. Mark turned on his side slightly.

“Reckon we'll do here for the night. What do you think?”

Sebastian lifted his head a fraction. The ground was flat and the trees a little way in. It was as good a spot as any.

“We're alright to have a fire here?”

“Yeah as long as we're careful; make sure it can't spread and be sure it's properly out when we leave tomorrow.”

“Great.”

“Right then. Five more minutes and we'll get ourselves sorted. Ever built a fire?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's easy. Dad taught me. I'll show you.”

Seb smiled, thinking what fun this all was. Maybe he would have liked being a boy-scout, but his childhood had been so filled with racing little room was left for anything else. He liked getting out into the countryside at home, but this was quite different. It felt like they were pioneers at the edge of the world.

“Do you think there's anyone else about?” wondered Seb.

“Hm. Don't think so.”

There had been other cars parked when they arrived but they'd not passed anyone. Then again it wasn't as if there wasn't enough space to spread out.

“Reckon most people head back at the end of the day,” noted Mark. “If there was anyone around on the other side of the lake we'd hear them. The sound carries over water.”

“Right. Place to ourselves then.”

“Yep.”

Mark set his arms back behind his head and looked up at the blue sky. Seb was right, it was beautiful here. He missed home sometimes. Mark took a deep breath and turned to look at Seb again. Seb was his home now.

 

  
  


 

Sebastian placed another twig along the edge of the neat pyramid they had made.

“That good?” he checked.

Mark nodded.

“Don't we need to put the bigger logs on if we want it hot enough to cook?” asked Seb.

“Yeah but not right away. It needs to get going first. A fire has to breathe.”

“Because of the oxygen?”

“Exactly. Right then darling, do you want to do honours?”

“Oh no, you do it.”

“Righto.”

Mark picked up the packet of matches and struck one to try lighting some of the dry kindling he'd found for the centre along with some crumpled up bits of parched grass. It didn't take at first but after a couple of goes, and a few nearly burnt fingers from matches burning down, it lit and Mark laughed as Seb applauded.

“Okay so now we give it a very gentle blow,” he instructed.

“Okay.”

They both bent down and carefully puffed air at it to coax the fire to burn brighter, smiling at one another feeling pleased with themselves as the flames started to catch in more areas.

“It's going, it's going,” said Sebastian excitedly.

“Sure is,” smiled Mark. “Right give it a mo' then we'll see if we can add a bit of wood in.”

Sebastian sat up and they carried on with their task, enjoying themselves as they had more success. There was something primevally satisfying in the activity, particularly when it actually worked.

“I'm very impressed Liebling,” praised Seb.

Mark sat back from giving the fire a prod with a spare stick and gave him a wink.

“Caveman make fire,” he teased.

Sebastian laughed.

“Caveman have matches?”

“Ah shut up.”

The two of them laughed and Mark slung his arm around Seb to give him a squeeze.

“It's fun isn't it?”

“Yep.”

“Good.”

Sebastian gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You did a good job,” he praised.

“Well you helped,” noted Mark. “Anyway we need it to bed in a bit yet before we can try cooking on it.”

“Righto.”

“Mum's supplied us with plenty of sangers.”

“Sangers?”

Mark leaned in.

“Sausages.”

“Maybe we should have tried fishing like you used to?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We'd probably be going hungry if we were relying on that. Dad and I always brought some decent tucker with us.”

“Ah. Oh well, these'll be nice.”

A thought struck Seb.

“How are we going to cook them?”

Mark picked up a couple of the long thin sticks he had found.

“These'll do. Strip off the end a bit, job's a good'un.”

“Oh, okay.”

Mark saw he looked a little dubious.

“It'll work, promise.”

“Course.

 

Mark wiped off his hands on his t-shirt and went to sort through what was in his backpack finding the wet-wipes to give his hands a proper clean. He dug out the coolbag and looked over to Seb.

“You should have some rolls.”

Sebastian opened up his bag and pulled out a pack.

“I think I have enough for about ten people.”

Mark chuckled.

“Yeah well Mum's clearly thinking we'll be working up an appetite out here. Right lob them over and we'll get started.”

 

Sebastian let Mark get the food in order while he set out their sleeping things just a little way over from the fire so sparks couldn't set the sleeping bags alight.

“Shall I zip them together?”

Mark looked over from stripping the top part of some sticks with a little penknife.

“Hm? Oh yeah, good idea sweetheart.”

 

Sebastian sorted their things out and made everything tidy as Mark went about his work to the side. Mark looked over again to see Seb arranging everything neatly, raising his eyebrows as he saw Seb pull something out that was wedged at the bottom of his backpack.

“Oh my god,” he laughed.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“A pillow? How the hell did you fit that in?”

“It squished up,” shrugged Seb.

Mark was laughing as he came over, kneeling down to see. Sebastian pouted at him.

“Your mum gave it to me. She said it was a good idea.”

Mark was still laughing.

“I'm not sure that counts as walkabout camping.”

Sebastian huffed and pouted.

“Fine. I'll have it all to myself then shall I?”

“Aw, no. Come on darling, share.”

Seb narrowed his eyes.

“Maybe I shouldn't?”

Mark attempted to copy Seb's pouting, but he could never do it so well.

“I bet you'll be grateful for it later,” Sebastian predicted.

Mark smiled.

“Oh you _are_ going to share then?”

Sebastian shrugged again.

“Maybe.”

“ _Maybe_ ,” smiled Mark. “Maybe if I'm really nice to you?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian was trying not to smile, but his will was cracking.

“Okay darling. I promise to be nice,” Mark vowed.

“And not take the piss out of a perfectly good idea to make life more comfortable?” pressed Seb.

“And not take the piss out of a perfectly sensible idea,” confirmed Mark repentantly.

“Okay.”

“I suppose we brought the bedrolls and sleeping bags,” Mark accepted. “That's not exactly walkabout camping either.”

“Ha.”

“Yeah alright. Come on then. I'm going to wow you with my amazing cooking techniques.”

“Oh?”

“Yep,” smiled Mark. “It's very technical. It involves not letting the sausages drop off the stick into the fire.”

 

Sebastian laughed and the pair went over to make a start, setting out their food ready. Mark went to check there was nothing they were missing in his backpack and laughed as he dug down the side of the bag.

“Bloody hell.”

Seb looked across.

“What?”

Mark turned and held up his prize; a bottle of red wine.

“You brought wine?”

“I didn't. Or rather I did without knowing it.”

Mark came and sat with Seb to show him.

“I did realise it was in there. It was pushed right down to the bottom. No wonder my bag was so bloody heavy.”

Seb chuckled and took the bottle to look at it. He didn't often drink wine, but it was a nice idea.

“Who put it in then?” Seb wondered.

Mark looked at the bottle as Sebastian set it on the ground.

“Dad I reckon. His little treat for us.”

“Ah that's nice.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“It is. But I love how I get given a heavy glass bottle to lug and you get given a nice fluffy pillow.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“I think your parents are very kind.”

“Hmm.”

Mark thought the division was rather telling: His mother thought Seb needed caring for; his father thought he needed a drink. On reflection Mark considered his parents might well be right.

  
  


 

 

They sat by the fire drinking some of the red wine from paper cups, having eaten as much as they could of their fire cooked sausages in bread rolls. Somehow they had tasted far better than any normal meal at home.

“Want anything else?” checked Mark.

“Hm?”

“To eat.”

“Oh,” Seb smiled and shook his head. “Don't think I could if I tried Liebling. It was nice though.”

“Yeah, basics are best sometimes,” Mark agreed.

“I didn't do too badly for a first attempt,” offered Seb.

“You did great,” confirmed Mark, not caring how simple the cooking had been, only that it had been fun.

“Didn't even burn them that much,” Sebastian noted.

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Ah you've got to singe them a little bit, that's the whole point.”

Seb nodded. The easiest of tasks really, but it felt good to achieved it.

“Maybe we should have brought marshmallows,” suggested Mark.

“Next time,” agreed Seb.

Mark nodded.

“Bit more wine?” he offered, lifting up the bottle.

“Thanks.”

 

As Seb turned to offer his cup for topping up he looked towards the lake and saw that the sun was starting to set in the distance.

“Oh look at that.”

Mark looked; the blue sky was fading into a tinge of pink. He hadn't noticed how much time had passed as they made and ate their meal, but then time hardly mattered out here. Sebastian started to stand up, pulling at Mark to join him.

“Come on, let's watch the sun go down.”

 

They went and sat a couple of feet over, turned with their back to the fire to watch the sun set across the lake, chatting at first, but slowly slipping into silence as they were captivated by the view. They sat as they usually did, leaning into one another's side, arms slipped around to hold each other in. They slowly sipped the wine, listening to the birds somewhere in the trees and insects hidden in the long grass. The epitome of the sounds of summer all around them.

Sebastian let out a long sigh and Mark gave him a little squeeze.

“Alright?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah perfect.”

Mark gave him a warm smile, Seb's voice was so gentle and contented. It was such a contrast to the stress and worry he'd grown used to expecting.

“Good.”

Sebastian let out another long sigh and dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder.

“I feel like all the bad stuff's just drained away,” explained Seb.

“Yeah.”

“Like it doesn't even exist. The whole world gone and there's just you and me left.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Be sad if true, but if I'm going to be left with one person...”

Sebastian turned his head to looked at him.

“Yes?”

“I'm glad it's you,” completed Mark.

Seb smiled.

“Good job you said that bit Liebling.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“Course.”

Sebastian sighed another happy sigh and settled back in to watch the light begin to really fade.

“So beautiful.”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked back from the sunset to Seb, thinking both fitted that description.

Seb lifted his cup to take another little sip of the wine.

“I think this is going to my head.”

Mark laughed.

“We've not had that much.”

“No, guess not,” agreed Sebastian, thinking that half a bottle each didn't really add up to a lot. “I'm just out of practise.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him.

“Are you trying to get me tipsy so you can seduce me?”

Mark coughed with laughter.

“The very idea.”

Sebastian laughed and moved his hand so it slipped beneath the edge of Mark's t-shirt.

“Oh so you're saying you don't want to?” he challenged.

Mark frowned.

“I'm not sure there's a good answer for me to give here.”

“True.”

“Besides I didn't put the wine in. Dad did.”

“Ah yeah. Guess you're off the hook then,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark thought how on that note he hoped his father hadn't delved too much into his backpack sneaking that bottle in. If he had, his dad might have come across something Mark was pretty sure he didn't want to know about.

 

“It's not too much is it darling?” checked Mark.

“Hm? Oh, no not really, just a little fuzzy round the edges, not you know...”

“Sloshed?” offered Mark.

Sebastian laughed and tickled Mark's side. Mark automatically pulled away and as they were so wrapped up together, pulled Seb with him.

“Oops.”

Sebastian was leaning into him at an angle and they both laughed for a minute before Seb decided to use the position to his advantage and stretched up to kiss Mark, before letting Mark set them straight again.

Mark grinned.

“Maybe I'm the sloshed one?”

“Are you?” wondered Seb.

“Nah. Like you sweetheart, just nicely on the fuzzy side. Don't 'spose we want hangovers in the morning do we?”

“Nope,” agreed Sebastian, already deciding not to drink any more from his half-full cup.

 

They settled back for a while, watching as the light drained away, the colours in the sky slipping through a palette of pinky reds while the once bright blue lake darkened to an inky blackness, its previously inviting water now suggesting an unfathomable depth that was distinctly less tempting than it had been earlier. Mark looked out and wondered how it was that he had never appreciated this when he was younger. Life might be harder now, but there were compensations. The lows were lower, but the highs were worth so much more. He leaned the side of his head into Seb's and felt the warmth of him as they pressed in together. Just to have this; space and peace and Sebastian held in tight, this was what he'd needed, as much as Seb had.

Mark turned his head a fraction to stare at Sebastian while he gazed out at the view. He thought he could stare at him for hours on end, just being glad to see Seb looking happy. Mark smiled and absently raised his spare hand to stroke a finger slowly down Seb's nose. Sebastian's cheeks twitched into a smile, but he didn't interrupt Mark doing it. Seb waited until Mark had finished before turning a little more into him, smiling softly at the warmth in Mark's expression. Mark always looked warm to him, warm and kind and welcoming.

“Reminds me of watching the sunset on holiday,” noted Seb.

“Ah, yes.”

“I love sunsets.”

“Mm.”

Mark gazed at Seb, his mind falling back not to the summer but a few weeks after that when the falling darkness had brought entirely different emotions. Such fear had gripped him, the dreadful prospect of losing Sebastian seeming terrifyingly real. Even now the memory chilled him. Could it really be only three months ago? If only he could have known then that this was in their future.

Mark didn't think there was any way he could ever take having Seb with him for granted, no matter how much time passed, not as long as he could remember that terrible day in September when he had nearly had him stolen away.

He put his hand at the side of Sebastian's face and gazed at him for a moment before leaning in to kiss him, slowly and with no end in sight. Mark closed his eyes and lost himself in it; the feeling of Seb's wonderful soft lips, the taste of him, the way Seb moved in against him as Mark pulled Seb tighter in turn. When they paused Mark let his forehead rest against Sebastian's, not wanting to break apart. He kept his eyes closed and just absorbed he feeling of being so close.

 

When he reopened his eyes Mark lifted his head enough to see Seb looking at him. Mark let out a sigh.

“I'll never lose you will I?”

Sebastian frowned slightly and shook his head, wondering how Mark could ask such a thing.

“No Liebling, never.”

Mark gave a little nod. He did know that, but something inside him needed the reassurance occasionally. The idea that what he held dearest could be suddenly snatched away without warning and his world collapse wasn't just theory, it had come all too close to really happening.

Seb still thought there was a look in Mark's eye. He gave him another little kiss and looked back at him.

“You could never lose me Mark, never. How could I ever be without you?”

Mark smiled and gave a tiny shrug.

“We'll always be together,” assured Seb, “that's how it's meant to be.”

Mark huffed a gentle laugh.

“Fate.”

“Hm?”

“Us; we're fated to be together.”

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian. “That's it. I think maybe we were always going to be together.”

“And we always will be,” confirmed Mark.

“Yeah. Always.”

“Always.”

Mark nodded back more firmly and something inside him relaxed with that knowledge. They were always going to be together. Always were, always would be. No matter what threatened them, no matter what they endured.

Seb looked into Mark's eyes, thinking how impossible any alternative seemed.

“I don't work without you,” admitted Mark.

Seb shrugged.

“Well I'm no good without you either. This weekend was horrible. I know we talked and everything went okay in the end, but I missed you so badly Liebling. I hated being away from you.”

“Yeah me too darling. I miss you when you're in the next room. I miss you when I can't hold you.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Oh dear, what are we going to do?”

“Hopeless cases,” agreed Mark.

“Really though Mark,” pushed Seb. “What are we going to do? We have to be apart for racing, that's just how it is, at least sometimes.”

Mark nodded. The truth was unavoidable.

He shrugged. “I don't know darling. We stick together as much as we can and when we can't we'll just have to get through it as best we can.”

“Run up our phone-bills.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian squished his face from side to side and Mark found himself wanting to reassure him as he always did.

“We'll get by,” he asserted. “It'll get easier. Things'll calm down won't they?”

“Yeah I guess,” agreed Seb, thinking how it hadn't been quite so hard back in the spring. It was really only recently that it had felt so unbearable to be on his own. “And we'll go with each other as often as we can.”

“We will,” promised Mark. “Whenever we can. I don't care about the travelling as long as we're together sweetheart.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark took a deep breath in and nodded. He put his hand to Sebastian's cheek and Seb leaned into it a little, closing his eyes for a second. Seb was grateful to know Mark felt the same way. He didn't need to feel clingy or needy when Mark needed him just as much. Not pathetic, not weak, not childish. Just the same. Safe, comfortable, happy. All with the touch of Mark's hand, the smile in his eyes, the warmth in his voice. Everything he needed right here in the middle of nowhere as the last of the light disappeared over the horizon and darkness crept in its place. Nothing to fear in the night, not any more.

Sebastian wound both his arms around Mark's middle and squeezed in tight. He dropped his head to lie just below Mark's shoulder and felt the way Mark held him in. Mark kissed his hair and wondered if it was wrong to enjoy the way Seb clung to him this way, burying himself right in as if he could blend right into him. After a few minutes Sebastian lifted his head and looked at Mark, his eyes wide and sincere.

“I could never be without you Liebling. Even when we're apart it's knowing we'll be back together that gets me through. When things get tough, like when I'm in front of all the media and it's getting too much, I imagine that you're there stood with me. I imagine you laughing at how stupid they're being or glaring at them to shut up and it's as though your arm's right around me.”

A little furrow formed between his brows.

“Does that make me sound crazy?”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“No sweetheart. It's nice.”

Sebastian took in a deep inhale and let the smile return to his face.

“I tell you stuff I could never tell anyone else.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Not even Henry?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“That's not the same. Besides I'm not sure I'm going to see him so much any more.”

“Oh?”

Seb gave a little shrug.

“I don't know that I need him. I've got you.”

“Right.”

“That's okay isn't it?” checked Seb.

“Of course it is. We can always talk about anything. I tell you stuff I'd never tell anyone else either,” Mark confirmed.

“Good. That's okay then.” Sebastian leaned up and kissed Mark's cheek. “I just need you. I'll always need you; Mein Fels. You're the rock everything good in my life is built on. My foundation. If my rock wasn't there everything else would fall down.”

Mark smiled and kissed him. Maybe it wasn't so wrong to feel good at being so depended on?

“Your rock will always be there darling. Near or far, always there.”

“Always there,” echoed Seb.

It was such a comfort to know that. To feel it was even better. They stayed pressed in tight for a while, loosening only slightly as Seb turned to look out at the falling dark over the lake.

  
  


  
  


Mark looked up as the stars became visible in the clear sky above.

“I remember looking at those on holiday,” he recalled.

Sebastian looked up as well.

“Yeah.”

“You see them so much more clearly here cos there's no other light.”

“Of course.”

Seb turned slightly and glanced at their little fire still burning away with the bigger logs they'd added, but its reach was only a few feet, hardly enough to affect the big open sky above them.

  
  


Mark lowered his gaze to look into Sebastian's eyes, seeing the light from the fire reflected there. Sparkling like the starry sky above, glinting like jewels. His jewel. His Seb.

Seb lifted up a little to kiss Mark again, Mark placing his hands at his sides to help hold him there. They lasted a few minutes like this, then Sebastian decided it would be simpler to move, so he turned around properly and gave Mark a grin as he shifted to straddle him, Mark moving in turn to find a comfortable position. Mark smiled as Seb rested his arms around Mark's neck and settled in.

“Okay?” he checked.

“Very.”

“Good.”

Mark stroked his hands up and down Sebastian's sides, over the soft t-shirt he wore before slipping them underneath. Seb's skin was still warm, the air around them only slightly cooled. Only just night. Early yet.

Sebastian pressed in closer and fitted his nose alongside Mark's to let them lose themselves in kissing once more. They must have parted for breath, but he didn't remember it. Seb couldn't think of any moment separately when it all seemed to flow without pause. Mark was kissing his neck, just there, the way he knew struck straight to his core, rendering Seb helpless. Wonderfully delightfully helpless as Seb melted, a shiver going right down his spine as Mark went on.

Seb remembered the very first time Mark had kissed him; wonder and anticipation and the only fear present that Mark might stop. It had been unlike anything he had experienced before; no other fears, not really, only that Seb desperately wanted it to go on and to go well. Not real fear. It didn't count. Seb knew the difference. Every time Mark kissed him Sebastian felt an echo of the frisson of that first moment.

 

Mark was sliding his hands further up, taking Sebastian's t-shirt with him. He finally paused to look at Seb and Sebastian took a moment to pull himself back to the present.

“Hm?”

Mark smiled.

“You're leading me astray sweetheart.”

Seb frowned, then he realised what Mark meant.

“Oh.”

Mark grinned and Seb let out a little laugh, their current position didn't leave a lot to the imagination.

“Mmm.”

Sebastian automatically glanced around them, although he had no idea what he thought he might see in the darkness.

“Is there really no one around?” Sebastian wondered.

“We'd hear them a mile off darling.”

“Right.”

“So?”

Seb gave him a little nod and Mark nodded back before sliding his hands higher to raise Seb's t-shirt up, Seb lifting his arms obligingly to let him pull it off altogether. Mark dumped it to the side, then smoothed his hands slowly over his skin. Sebastian shivered a little and Mark frowned.

“You're not cold are you?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Not cold.”

“Oh.”

“You always keep me warm Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Good. Come here then.”

He pulled Sebastian in tighter and they resumed where they had left off.

 

 

Mark's hands were deliberate, pulling Seb in, up, closer. Firmly grasping his arse as Sebastian moved against him, his breathing already slipping. Seb hung on to Mark's now bare shoulders and held on as he kissed along his collar-bone.

“Mark.”

Mark lifted his head.

“Hm?”

“Liebling, we... have we, did you bring?”

“Oh.” Mark smiled and nodded. “Yes darling. Hang on a sec.”

He carefully lifted Sebastian to sit him back while Mark nipped over to were their bags were a few feet away to find what he needed. Returning, Mark knelt back down by Sebastian.

“Okay?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian looked down at the bottle of lube on Mark had put down on the grass.

“Good job you thought ahead.”

“Ever the optimist,” agreed Mark.

“Mmm. Now, where were we?”

Mark smiled and offered out a hand to take Seb back into his lap.

“Right about here darling.”

 

 

It didn't take them long to get where they needed to be. It never did. How could it when they were together like this?

Somehow they forgot all about where they were, clothing lost and discarded to the side. No thought of anything apart from each other and the way they made each other feel. Sebastian kept his eyes locked on Mark's as they moved, only thinking that he needed to keep moving, keep this going, keep this feeling and somehow keep breathing. He dipped in to swipe his lips over Mark's, banging their noses together, even in the moment making them both laugh. It used up the rest of his breath and Sebastian had to pause to pull in air.

Mark waited until he thought Seb was okay, then moved his hand to place it at the nape of Seb's neck to pull him back in and kiss him again with greater intent. As Seb pulled away Mark looked at him and smiled. The fire lighting up Seb's face as the only thing to be seen in the darkness. The only thing that mattered.

He carded his hand through Seb's hair and kissed him again before taking a firmer hold of him and turning them to gently lie Seb on the ground. As they moved back into position Sebastian let out gasp, gripping the top of his arms and Mark paused.

“Okay?”

Sebastian had to fight for his breath again.

“Yes. Good. Good.”

“Good,” smiled Mark.

Seb dragged his head up from the floor to seek a kiss, Mark meeting it before beginning to move again, all coherent words gone as things sped up, conscious control was lost and only instinct remained.

 

  
  


Sebastian felt as through the whole world was spinning, the stars in the dark sky strobing beyond Mark's face above him. He didn't think he could have held on for very long, but there was no way of knowing when time had lost all meaning. Mark was still moving, slowing now as the release flowed through him, not just his body, but his mind; letting go, letting everything go. Seb all around him, never closer than this, never more a part of one another, never more one.

Mark gradually steadied, although like the tide, it felt as though he was still moving. Seb's arms stayed wound around his neck, his legs wrapped round his waist. He was still pressed into him, his muscles fluttering, his heart pounding in his chest, his breath hot on Mark's face. Mark put his lips to Seb's again and he smiled at how readily they parted to accept him, Seb giving all of himself over once more without hesitation.

The kiss went on, messy, uncoordinated and breathless, glorious in its own way. Seb let his tongue move lazily against Mark's. It still felt wonderful, all of Mark wonderful; how much he wanted him, every part of him and Seb gave it willingly every time. His body belonged to Mark just as his heart and his soul did. Just as every part of Mark belonged to him. That was what this meant. A confirmation of the truth; they only worked together.

  
  


 

It took them a while before they could truly come to their senses and move, Mark carefully lifting away and dropping onto the ground beside Seb, letting out a laugh as he landed on the grass and was reminded where they really were again. He pulled Sebastian to lie tightly with him and gave him a kiss.

“I can't believe we just did that,” whispered Sebastian, as if there was anyone around to hear.

Mark smiled and stroked his hand along the side of Seb's face.

“There's nobody here darling.”

“I know, but...”

“People far closer when we're in a hotel room.”

Sebastian suddenly laughed, realising that was true.

“I'm not sure that's helpful information.”

Mark could think of no answer so he snuck a kiss instead.

“Are you cold?”

Sebastian shook his head slightly, but he stayed pressed in tight against Mark's body.

“I've never done that before,” he admitted.

“Neither have I,” agreed Mark.

“Oh.”

Mark smiled at him.

“Better than a beach, don't you think?”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Yeah.”

Not most comfortable place to lie in the world, but right now Seb didn't care as long as Mark didn't let go of him.

“Do you want to get into bed?” asked Mark.

“Bed?”

“Well what we've got.”

Sleeping bags and bedrolls weren't quite what they were used to, but it was better than nothing which was precisely what they had right now.

“Just one more minute,” requested Seb.

“'kay.”

 

  
  


It wasn't much later that they were snuggled up safely in their joined up sleeping bags. Mark had to admit that the pillow was in fact an excellent idea and Seb in turn that wet-wipes were indeed a camping essential, although perhaps not with the use they were initially intended for.

The fire was mostly down to embers now, but they still glowed brightly a few feet away. They didn't need the warmth, but the faint light was welcome as they lay facing one another on the shared pillow.

“You comfortable?” asked Mark.

“Yeah fine. You?”

“Yeah.”

The bedrolls weren't thick, but the ground below was grassed and whilst it might not be a feather bed, it was enough.

Mark felt Seb shuffle a little closer and tighten his hold around him. Mark echoed his move and gave him a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek.

“I meant what I said. I never want to let you go again.”

Sebastian held his face barely an inch away.

“You don't have to. I'm not going anywhere.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think I might mean literally.”

Seb rubbed his nose against Mark's.

“I'm really alright Liebling.”

“I know. Better than me maybe.”

Seb pressed a kiss to his lips.

“We're going to be alright. Both of us,” he promised.

“Yeah.”

 

Mark looked into Seb's eyes in the low light from the fire, appreciating the way Seb stroked his hand up and down his arm.

“I love you so much. Mein Fels, mein alles. I never want to let you go either.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and placed a kiss by his ear.

“If you're okay, I'm okay.”

“I'm okay now,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Good. Then we're going to be fine.”

“We just won't let go.”

Mark smiled. Under their cover he traced shapes on Sebastian's skin.

“That settles it. We're going to have to get into rally driving,” he stated.

Seb frowned. “Huh?”

“Then we could both be in the car together,” Mark explained.

Seb laughed against him.

“We'd only end up fighting over the map-reading,” he teased.

“Mm, maybe,” Mark agreed. “I thought I did alright over the map-reading earlier.”

“You did. I'm only teasing Liebling.”

“I know darling.”

Sebastian turned his gaze upwards to remind himself were they were.

“Glad we came?” asked Mark.

“Course. Night under the stars with you. Perfect.”

Mark smiled at him.

“Mm.”

He ran the tips of his fingers along Seb's spine.

“Are you tired?”

“Bit,” admitted Sebastian.

“Let's go to sleep then.”

“'kay.”

Sebastian settled himself down, the pair of them getting themselves into the most comfortable position to sleep.

“If you get cold in the night sweetheart wake me up and I'll build up the fire again,” offered Mark.

Seb couldn't imagine doing any such thing, but he knew what Mark needed to hear.

“Okay Liebling, but I'm plenty warm enough.”

“Good. We've no rush in the morning. We don't need to get going until into the afternoon.”

Sebastian nodded. He did feel tired now. He wondered what time it could be. Not as late as it felt, Seb suspected.

“'kay,” he mumbled, his eye-lids already sinking.

Mark kissed Seb's nose and snuggled his head down into the soft pillow. A truly excellent idea. His mother was a very smart lady.

 

They quickly dropped off, watched over only by the dying light of the fire and the stars above, falling deep into the most peaceful sleep.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian slept soundly but he woke with the first hint of dawn, opening his eyes and blinking at his surroundings. It confused him at first, as to lie warm and comfortable with Mark was the most normal thing in the world, but this wasn't normal. Sebastian's brain awoke as he stared out at the grass and the open space beyond and he recalled where they were. He'd turned in the night somehow so Mark now lay behind him, their bodies spooned close and Mark's arm wrapped around his waist, his nose resting into the back of his head. Seb could feel his steady breath against the nape of his neck and knew that Mark was still asleep.

The air was cool and his own nose a little cold where it was exposed, but the rest of his body was nice and cosy. Sebastian hadn't the slightest intention of moving. He was facing away from it, but the fire had doubtless gone out, that didn't matter though. Seb could see the lake as the light began to illuminate it, catching on the edges of the ripples of water as the slightest of breezes disturbed the surface. He could hear birds just beginning to wake in the trees, although whether they were behind him or the noise drifted from over the water he couldn't be sure. There was dew on the grass just a few inches away from his face but Seb guessed it would lift soon enough. As the light improved Sebastian watched the sky lighten to a pale blue. He could tell it was going to be another beautiful day. It was already beautiful.

The sun grew a little stronger as it rose in the east, the sky as clear as it had been the day before and Seb guessed it was going to be as hot again. It felt so strange to think that back home it was winter. That whole world seemed to exist in another reality, as if he and Mark were sharing the same dream.

Speaking of dreams, Sebastian felt Mark shift a little behind him and he smiled as Mark mumbled something and pulled him in tighter. Not that he minded, but Seb was tempted to turn around to check Mark was alright. He wasn't about to pull away though. This felt too nice, Mark's chest pressed right into his back, their bodies aligned, warm and familiar. Sebastian heard Mark mumble something else, then a heavier breath on his neck and a soft little noise before Mark nuzzled his face into Seb's hair and a hand slithered under Sebastian side where he lay hugging him tight.

Sebastian wanted to laugh, but Mark clearly wasn't properly awake yet. It was nice to be reminded that even before he was properly conscious, Mark's instinct was to keep him as close as possible.

 

Mark took in a deep deep breath and took in all of Seb with it. He moved to lean his cheek into Sebastian's nice soft hair, feeling the tickle of the little curls at the nape of his neck. So nice. All of Seb like this, so nice and soft and all for him. Mark's sleepy brain wasn't quite working yet. The only thing computing was that he should make sure he kept Seb with him. It was several moments before it sunk in that the cooler air meant they weren't in bed at home and Mark lifted his head away from Seb and the pillow by a couple of inches and glanced around to remind himself were they really were.

As he went to lower back down Mark saw that Sebastian had turned to look at him. He smiled down.

“Morning darling.”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Morning Liebling.”

Sebastian twisted his head a little further so he could meet Mark in a kiss before Mark settled back down in the position he'd been in before. He smoothed a hand over Seb's stomach and Seb put his hand over Mark's to weave their fingers together.

They were quiet for a few moments, then Mark spoke, his mouth close to Sebastian's ear.

“Sleep okay sweetheart?”

“Mmm, lovely.”

Mark huffed a laugh, the air tickling Sebastian's ear making him laugh in turn. Mark closed his eyes. The feeling of a naked Seb vibrating against him was incredibly distracting. Mark moved their entwined hands slowly up and down over his skin, notably heading lower. Sebastian huffed another little laugh and deliberately pushed back into Mark who closed his eyes and sighed out before pushing into him in turn.

“Seb.”

“Mm.”

Mark lifted his head a little to look at him. Sebastian was smiling. Definitely happy then. He kissed beneath Seb's ear and returned to what he'd been doing before; stroking their joined hands together over Seb's skin, heading lower each time as their bodies started to move in time. It took such little effort to get where they were headed that Mark was almost completely carried away before he realised that he needed to think practically and he forced himself to pull away for a moment to look where he had thankfully dumped the bottle of lube on the grass a reachable distance away.

As he turned back he saw that Seb was undoing the zip along the side of the sleeping bag.

“Seb?” questioned Mark, hoping to god that Sebastian wasn't planning on going anywhere.

Sebastian turned a little to look at him.

“Too warm,” he explained.

“Ah.”

Mark settled back in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Like this darling?” he checked, sliding his hand over Sebastian's hip as he lay behind him once more.

“Mmm.”

“Good.”

Mark smiled and started to kiss all along Seb's shoulder, working his way up to his neck, their movements growing more intense as he progressed, both of them losing themselves more to the moment as they went on.

Sebastian reached out and threw the corner of the sleeping bag covering them back. His skin was burning up already and he didn't want to overheat. Seb's heart was thumping as it sent the blood shooting around his body. He closed his eyes and stopped thinking about anything else other than keeping this going, letting Mark shift his leg up and biting his lip as he began to touch him.

Sebastian started to let out little moans, the pitch rising as Mark went on.

“Mark,” gasped Seb.

Mark paused and raised his head to look. Seb's eyes were closed.

“Seb?”

Sebastian's eyes popped open to turn his head and look at him.

“Please... Liebling, I...” Seb's breathing was already disjointed and he had to snatch in air. “Need you.”

Mark smiled and leaned in to kiss him. As he lift away Mark just gave him a nod and kissed back along Seb's cheek, aiming back for his neck as he moved his hand and pushed into him instead.

Sebastian gasped out and Mark stopped to kiss hard at the spot lower on his neck he knew drove Seb to distraction, smiling as he heard Seb's gasps turn lighter, just as he'd intended.

“Good?” checked Mark.

“Yes,” Seb managed breathily.

“Good.”

Mark waited another moment then placed his hand on Sebastian's hip to steady him while he pushed all the way in before pausing again. Sebastian had closed his eyes tight, the sensation overwhelming him. Mark was back to kissing at his neck, feeling how rapidly Seb's pulse was jumping there. He moved his arm that was tucked under Seb's waist and found Seb's hand to cover it with his own.

“You feel so good,” whispered Mark. “So good darling.”

Sebastian opened his eyes and turned his head again.

“Just, go slow Liebling,” he requested.

Mark nodded.

“Nice and slow darling. No rush.”

He gave him a gentle kiss to show his understanding and settled back in behind him, stroking his hand over Seb's hip before starting to move as slowly as Mark could. If Seb needed it slow, they'd go slow. Who wouldn't want this to last as long as possible?

 

  
  


Sebastian didn't realise that he'd drifted off. His head now lay on Mark's chest, turned in with his arms around him. The sun was brighter now, the air warmer. As Seb woke up properly he realised that he must have been asleep for a while. Mark's head dipped into view and Seb matched the smile he saw.

“Hello darling,” greeted Mark.

“I fell asleep.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at him sounding so dozy, thinking how adorable Seb always looked when he was sleepy, all his features relaxed and his eyes only half-open.

“Yeah. That's okay, I wasn't planning on going anywhere.”

Sebastian shifted to lie further up, his body still over Mark's. He planted his elbows either side of Mark's head on the pillow and leaned in to kiss him, Mark's hands sliding to the small of Seb's back. As Seb lifted up again he took in a deep breath and let it out as a sigh.

“That was nice.”

Mark tweaked an eyebrow.

“The kiss, the sleep, or...”

Sebastian laughed.

“All three.”

“Good.”

“Was I asleep long?”

Mark gave a slight shrug.

“Not that long. Doesn't matter. We can stay like this all morning if you like?”

 

There was something supremely satisfying to lying with Seb against him. The way Seb nestled into him so neatly, looking more at peace than he did at any other time and never letting go his hold across him. For Mark to know that he gave him that; to be Seb's place of safety and comfort, to make him happy. There was nothing better.

Sebastian folded his arms so he could rest his chin on his hands.

“I think I need to wake up.”

“Ah. Okay.”

“And clean up.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah fair enough sweetheart.”

He glanced towards the water.

“Fancy a swim?”

Seb looked over. It was rather enticing.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian moved his hands to sit up and Mark sat with him, throwing the sleeping bag completely off them now. Sebastian bit his lip thinking about the fact that they were undressed when it was broad daylight now. He looked to Mark.

“Um...”

Mark grinned, guessing what the issue was.

“I've not heard anyone about darling, we're fine,” he reassured.

“Right.”

Seb still didn't feel sure and Mark could see it in his face, so Mark moved to totally unzip the two sleeping bags and passed the top one to Sebastian.

“Oh. Yeah thanks.”

Sebastian pushed himself up to stand and wrapped the sleeping bag around him, hitching it up so it didn't drag along the ground while Mark stood to do the same. They walked the couple of yards over to the edge where the grass turned to muddy bank by the lake and Mark gave Seb a wink.

“Ready?”

Seb nodded. Maybe he was being silly? There was no one around. You could hear everything around them; the sound of the water as it lapped at the edge, the wind in the trees, no way someone snuck up on them unawares.

“On three?” suggested Mark.

“Yep, okay then,” Seb agreed.

 

They counted down then shed the sleeping bags covering them and sprinted into the water, splashing and shouting out as they encountered the water and found out how cold it was first thing. Sebastian bit the bullet and flung himself under the water thinking it was better to acclimatise himself all in one go. Coming back up he found his footing and stood chest deep in the water. Mark looked back at him.

“Better or worse?” he asked.

Sebastian ran a hand over his hair to push some of the water out.

“Better. Actually, bloody freezing, but better.”

Mark nodded, then copied him to plunge himself under before coming back up gasping.

“Oh my god you weren't kidding.”

“Come further in,” coaxed Seb, already taking steps backwards to go deeper into the water.

 

Mark followed him and as they got used to it the water stopped feeling quite so cold. They started to swim about and soon forgot worrying about the temperature as they felt better for it. Sebastian swam further out then ducked below again, seeing how deep he could go whilst still being able to see through the water. It was so clear that he could see schools of tiny brightly coloured fishes rushing by underneath. As he came back up Seb saw Mark swimming over.

“Thank god. You had me going then.”

“Sorry Liebling. I held my breath.”

“Yeah. Come in a little,” Mark requested.

Sebastian followed him in until they could stand with their heads above water again.

“You can see all the way down,” Sebastian told him.

“Yeah.”

“I wonder how deep it is to the bottom in the middle.”

“Too deep to swim without equipment,” Mark cautioned.

Seb laughed.

“I'm not going to try Liebling, don't worry.”

“'kay. Sorry. I just couldn't see you.”

Sebastian moved in to wind his arms around Mark's neck.

“You don't need to worry about me.”

“I know. Of course, yeah.”

Mark let out a breath and put his arms around Sebastian's neck in turn. He didn't know why that had bothered him for Seb to go swimming underwater for a little too long. It was stupid. Mark knew what a strong swimmer Seb was.

“Sorry. I was fussing.”

“I wouldn't do anything silly.”

“I know darling, I know.”

Mark took in a breath again. He had to stop worrying about Seb. He had to trust him. Sebastian pressed himself in closer against him and looked into Mark's eyes.

“Everything's okay now Liebling. It's going to be okay.”

Mark nodded.

“This is our fresh start,” stated Sebastian.

“Yeah.”

Mark glanced around them. He couldn't think of a better place to make a new start than here.

“Yeah you're right sweetheart,” he agreed. “We make a new start. Leave all that behind us.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded. He leaned in and kissed Mark. It felt like they were sealing an agreement. They had to leave their worries behind if they were going to move on. They both needed a new start and they had to make it together.

 

“Come with me,” prompted Seb.

“Hm?”

“Swim under the water. Just a little way, not deep. It's amazing. The water's so clear you can see everything, all the little fishes.”

Sebastian moved his hand from around Mark to show him the fish on his wrist. He smiled cheerily.

“Little fishes, like us.”

Mark huffed a laugh and moved to put his own wrist to Sebastian's.

“Little fishes,” he echoed.

“Shall I show you?” asked Seb.

 

Mark smiled and nodded. They swam a few dozen feet over to where the lake-bed fell away and both took deep breaths before diving underwater, swimming down and along to see what lay below; rocks and weeds, fish and tiny molluscs all co-habiting the their own little world. Sebastian patted Mark's arm and pointed out another group of fish swimming by before the pair of them had to surface as their lungs emptied.

“Did you see them?” asked Sebastian as soon as he got his breath back.

Mark nodded as they trod water above where they had swum.

“Yeah I saw.” He huffed a laugh. “Size of those fish. Explains why Dad and I hardly ever caught anything.”

Sebastian laughed in turn.

“But you had fun?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah we did.”

“Then that's all that matters.”

“True.” Mark looked over and saw how far out they'd gone. “Tell you what sweetheart. I'm starving. Why don't we get some breakfast? We can come back in later.”

“Sure,” agreed Seb.

  
  


 

They dressed then rebuilt the fire and boiled water by resting the little tin kettle into the edge, then skewered bacon onto more sticks to cook it so they could eat it using more of the rolls Mark's mother had supplied them with.

“Want some more?” asked Mark.

Sebastian nearly said no. Filling up on bacon and bread was hardly an F1 driver's diet, but this week didn't count surely?

“Might as well finish off the packet,” suggested Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian took the bacon and carefully threaded it onto the stick as Mark had taught him. It really was so simple. You just had to watch that the fat dripping off didn't spit in your direction or the stick itself catch fire. He wondered why it felt like such a triumph just to cook bit of breakfast over a fire, but then once upon a time Seb had felt incapable of doing anything for himself, his confidence shot even in the most basic aspects of real life outside of where he was coddled in F1. Now he knew he could do all kinds of things Seb had once thought impossible. All he had to do was try. He didn't always have to be perfect. He could burn the bacon a little and who would care? There was no one here but Mark and he merely sat there contentedly drinking his coffee. Mark didn't judge him.

 

Seb leaned into Mark's side and gave him a little nudge.

“Do I get a badge for all this?”

“Hm?”

“All my new skills.”

Mark laughed and reached around him to pull at Seb's t-shirt sleeve.

“You want something to sew on here?”

“I think I should,” dead-panned Sebastian.

Mark gave him a nod as if entirely serious then as he released Seb's sleeve he gave him a kiss on the cheek instead.

Sebastian took a sip of his coffee from the paper cup set in front of him.

“What time do you think it is?” he wondered.

Mark shrugged. His phone and watch were safely stowed in the side pocket of his backpack.

“Hang on.”

He pushed himself up and went to check, coming back to sit with Seb again.

“Guess.”

“Oh, umm.” Sebastian thought about it. The sun was warming now, but it wasn't at its height. “I don't know. Half ten?”

Mark grinned.

“Quarter to nine.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Oh my god. It feels like we've had half the day already.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Ah well, guess it's good that we're making the most of our time.”

“Yeah.”

“What d'you want to do with the rest of our day?”

Seb shrugged.

“Dunno. Just this really. Hang out, maybe swim some more.”

“Sounds good,” agreed Mark. “Righto, we'll do that then. Let this settle and we can have another swim, stay for lunch and head back after that.”

“Yep.”

  
  


  
  


A while later they stood at the top of the little cliff-top again, clad only in shorts now as they prepared to jump off. Seb looked down into the water.

“Think it'll feel any warmer?”

Mark peered down. The sun was certainly warmer now, whether the water was might be a different matter.

“Dunno. Guess there's only one way to find out. You gonna jump?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian put his hand in Mark's and they leapt in again. The water wasn't as cold after more time under the increasingly hot Australian sun, but the shock of hitting the surface left them breathless just the same. As they swam back round to climb out so they could go again Mark had an idea. He went to retrieve his phone from his bag while Seb stood waiting. Mark turned to look at him.

“I want to get an action shot,” he explained.

“Oh right. Okay.”

They walked back up and Seb reached out for the phone, but Mark shook his head.

“No I'm taking one of you.”

“Jumping off?”

“Yep,” grinned Mark.

“Hmm, okay, but you next.”

“Alright. Hang on, let's get one of both of us first.”

Mark slung his arm around Seb and they stood at the edge of the little cliff so the lake was behind them, trying to make sure they got it in shot. He took one, then they checked it.

“Okay one more,” prompted Sebastian.

Mark set another shot up, then just as he clicked to take the picture Sebastian pushed up to kiss his cheek, both of them laughing as he did so. Mark shook his head as the checked the shot again.

“You surprised me.”

“A good surprise,” insisted Seb.

“Yeah, not if I'd taken a step back,” noted Mark.

They both glanced back, noting that a step backwards would have resulted in Mark and no doubt Sebastian toppling off the edge into the water.

“Not so good for your phone,” appreciated Seb.

“Not so much,” Mark agreed. “Right come on then, before we find a way to dump my phone at the bottom of the lake.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian took a couple of steps inwards to give himself a run-up and Mark experimented to see where he might be able to get a decent shot, deciding the best bet was to set the rapid-fire function on his phone.

“I'm gonna go to the side,” he told Seb.

“Okay. Tell me when you're ready.”

Mark got into position and readied the phone.

“You ready?” checked Seb.

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “You're the one who needs to say.”

“Oh. Right. Okay I'm good.”

“Okay, _go_.”

Sebastian hesitated a moment, then ran the couple of steps until he reached the edge and hurled himself out, twisting as he took off to look towards the camera. He was so focussed on Mark as he fell that the water came as surprise and he went all the way under. Mark peered over, waiting to make sure he came back up okay.

“You good?” he shouted down.

“Yep. Did you get it?”

Mark looked to his phone and smiled at the series of shots; Seb flailing his arms wildly as he jumped and grinning before his face changed, his eyes wide open and a look of shock on his face as the water went up.

“Pretty impressive darling. Hang on.”

Mark switched his phone back to camera while Seb trod water below.

“Give me a wave.”

Sebastian waved back up and Mark snapped away until Seb swam back round and they could swap roles. Mark beating Seb's efforts by running backwards and leaping off in a tuck position facing in. Seb looked down at him in the water.

“Show off!”

Mark grinned and waved up unconcerned, so Seb took some more pictures, then put the phone back down at their little camp before running back up to the top to fling himself in after Mark, taking care not to land on him.

 

Mark swam over having made a decision.

“Right. You're going to teach me something.”

“Oh?”

“Floating.”

Seb laughed.

“Really?”

“Yep. I think I need some of your relaxation techniques,” Mark explained.

“Ah okay.” Sebastian leaned back. “You've just got to let it happen.”

Mark coughed a laugh, but he tried, succeeding mostly in going under. He could be in the water without sinking, but to really lie there floating out steadily for a length of time seemed impossible.

Seb came over and took his hand to pull him alongside.

“No, you're moving too much. Just relax, you'll float.”

“Hmm.”

“You can't lie flat right away. Just tip back slowly knowing you'll stay up and you will. You need to let the water do the work.”

Mark looked at him unconvinced and Seb shook his head.

“Okay. I'll put my hand behind you.”

Mark still looked dubious.

“No go on,” insisted Seb. “I'll do it and when you're floating I'll take it away. Bet you don't notice when.”

“Okay.”

“Trust me.”

Mark nodded and leaned at an angle, letting the back of his head dip into the water while Seb stayed beside him, his hand between his shoulder-blades, applying less pressure as he thought Mark had it. Not totally flat, but good enough. Mark turned his head and saw Sebastian was a couple of feet away, laughing to himself at how he'd managed it without Mark noticing. Mark moved and instantly his legs went down into the water.

He swam to Seb.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

Sebastian smiled.

“ _You_ did that. I told you; it's about relaxing. That's kindof the whole point. Try it again.”

Mark wanted to say that surely it couldn't be that simple, but Seb was right, it had just worked so he had to believe him.

This time Seb did the same alongside him and Mark copied Sebastian to lean back and just let the water take his weight and lo and behold it did. After a minute Mark found himself truly letting go and relaxing, trusting that everything was okay. The blood seemed to flow more slowly and you didn't need to think about anything. He glanced at Seb who smiled at him, Mark could only smiling back. He looked up at the blue sky above and realised what Seb took from such a simple activity. Its simplicity was the whole point; you had to let go and not do anything for it to work. You were forced into merely being and by so doing, everything inside you stilled and your mind stilled just the same. All that whirring in your head slowed, and the worry and the stress floated away, leaving you feeling lighter in a way that seemed impossible in abstract.

 

It worked. Just as Seb had said. Mark let himself lie there and allowed himself to relax and stop thinking about everything.

He left it a long while, neither one of them speaking as they drifted in the water, but eventually Mark turned his head and reached out to Seb to coax him over until Sebastian turned and pulled him in.

“You are very smart.”

Sebastian smiled.

“It's just what works for me. It's physics really.”

“See,” smiled Mark, “like I said; smart.”

 

They alternated swimming about and letting themselves float until they eventually tired of it and climbed out to lie on the grass together, drying out in the hot sun, putting on more sunscreen to make sure they didn't burn. Mark was rubbing it into Seb's shoulders when he leaned in and reached around to kiss his jaw. Seb turned and kissed him some more before sitting back.

“It feels like we're on holiday.”

“We _are_ on holiday,” laughed Mark.

“No you know what I mean.”

“I do. Yeah it's good.”

Mark smiled to himself thinking they were just as happy here as they had been on their summer holiday to the Caribbean. He huffed another laugh.

“What?” asked Sebastian.

“I was just thinking; what we paid for our hol and this cost us nothing, just a few things out of the loft and borrowing Mum's car,” Mark explained.

“Well we had to fly to get here.”

“True, but still.”

“Yeah. I did really like our holiday though,” reminded Seb, not wanting Mark to think his present was under-appreciated.

“Me too. I'm just saying, it's getting a proper break that matters.”

“And the company,” offered Seb.

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“And the company,” he confirmed.

It was nice though, to think that simply being in the middle of nowhere together with only the bare essentials scrounged up and dusted off from his parents' house was enough to make them happy. Luxury was nice, but it wasn't essential.

“We should give your mum some money for petrol,” suggested Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“She won't accept it.”

“We should still offer.”

“Yeah okay sweetheart.”

 

They lazed out for a while longer, letting themselves soak up the sun until they finally felt hungry enough to assemble some lunch from the extra bacon and sausages they'd cooked earlier, eating up the remaining rolls so they had less to carry back, Mark noting that he hoped his parents had something else in to stick on the barbecue tomorrow.

“I could stay here,” stated Sebastian.

“Live in the woods?”

“Well, maybe not _live_ , but a couple of days.”

“Yeah. Ah well.”

“I don't mean I don't want to see your family.”

“No of course.” Mark looked at him. “You're alright about everyone cramming round tomorrow aren't you? I know it's a lot.”

Seb shook his head, dismissing his concerns. There was no point getting stressed about it. Nothing felt stressful right now anyway. If they were Mark's family they were bound to be nice.

“It's fine. It'll be good to meet them.”

“Good. Okay, well we don't need to rush off back. Why don't we pack everything up ready, then we can just chill out for a while longer?”

“Sure.”

 

Everything fitted away into the backpacks they resumed their place on the grass, Seb setting his head on Mark's shoulder and the pair of them lay looking up at the cloudless blue sky. Mark refused to let himself check the time and it was Seb who eventually lifted up.

“We should make a start. Your parents will worry.”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Mark.

They sat up and sorted themselves out, pulling on boots and t-shirts and double-checking that the fire was definitely out despite Mark having poured water all over it before they packed the kettle away. The backpacks felt a little lighter with most of the food and a lot of the water they'd brought gone and although Mark wouldn't leave the glass bottle behind, he was sure he felt the difference now that it was empty.

“Right then. You good?” he checked.

“Yep. Think we'll be quicker on the way back,” Sebastian suggested.

Mark nodded. It wasn't as if he'd memorised the route, but somehow it was always easier on the return journey to find the way. He pulled out the little compass.

“Do you want to be in charge?” Mark asked.

Sebastian took the compass and looked at it.

“Which way again?”

“North, north-east, roughly.”

Mark took the map out and showed Seb where they were aiming for.

“Okay.” Seb studied it for a moment, looking at the forest ahead and trying to think ahead to the way they should go. “You trust me?”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Always darling.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Okay. Well let's go then.”

They set off. As they walked into the line of trees where they had arrived the day before Sebastian turned to Mark.

“You know I'm expecting a badge for this as well.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark.

 

 

 

  
  


  
  


That evening after a dinner spent telling Mark's parents how much they had enjoyed their little trip, (leaving out a few key details about the precise nature of all their activities) the family repaired to the lounge and settled in. The television was on and it felt odd to Mark and Sebastian, even after only one night away; the air stuffy and the room a little too warm. Mark had his arm around Seb as always and neither paid much attention to what was on TV. It was barely past eight pm and only just dark, but it already felt like the longest day. Mark turned slightly in to Sebastian.

“'kay?”

“Mm.”

“We'll have an early night,” Mark promised.

“Yeah.”

 

Five minutes later Diane looked over at the pair, about to offer them a cup of tea when she smiled and nudged her husband. Alan turned and saw that the pair of them were fast asleep, leaning in together, Sebastian's head on Mark's shoulder, Mark's head resting against Seb's in turn.

“Fresh air cure,” he noted.

“Mm. I'm just glad to see them happy.”

“Shame they can't stay longer.”

“Mm. I wish we could get them to stay, but Mark says they have to get back. Ah well, as long as they go back in better shape than when they got here,” asserted Diane.

“Couple of days yet.”

“Yeah. We'll make the most of them.”

Alan nodded over.

“Should we wake them, send them up?”

Diane shook her head.

“Leave them a while. They're comfortable, let them be.”

“Righto.”

Diane smiled over at them. They did look content. She'd spent so much time worrying, not just about their son, but both of them this year. To see them relaxed and well was all she wanted. As if she was going to take money for petrol when the silly things tried to insist on it? Seeing them so much better like this was priceless.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next day Mark and Sebastian stood guarding the barbecue while Alan went inside to fetch a few things. It was only just twelve but he'd wanted to get a start on it so the charcoal was properly settled down to be red-hot without flaming too much when they started cooking. Mark was prodding the coals over as he looked to Seb and offered him the metal tongs.

“You want a try?”

“Oh I'm okay,” Sebastian allowed.

Mark smiled at him.

“You should be an outdoor cooking expert by now,” Mark teased.

Sebastian smiled.

“I think I'll leave it to your dad.”

“Mm, maybe best, he does seem to enjoy being in charge.”

 

Sebastian was about to say something in reply when they both heard a noise coming from inside, then moments later a boy came through the open kitchen door, sprinting in their direction.

“Uncle Mark!”

“Whoa, incoming,” grinned Mark.

They turned and walked a few feet over to make sure they were away from the barbecue, just in time for the boy to fling himself at Mark who laughed and attempted to pick him up as arms went around his neck, only succeeding in lifting him a foot off the ground before letting him set back down on the lawn.

“Blimey, when did you get so big?”

The boy grinned up at him and Sebastian could swear he saw a hint of Mark's smile in there.

“I'm not that big. There's girls taller than me in my class.”

Mark laughed and ruffled his hair, sighing a little.

“I can't believe it's been so long since I saw you.”

“Have you been busy racing?” asked the boy.

“Yeah guess I have.” Mark turned to Seb. “Seb, this is Ryan.”

“Hello,” greeted Sebastian.

The boy looked up at him seeming unsure what to say, then stuck out his hand as he'd been taught.

“Hello.”

Mark and Sebastian smiled at how polite he was being and Seb shook his hand trying not to laugh at the oddness of a little boy being so formal. Moments later the rest of the family emerged from the house and caught up. Leanne, her husband and two teenage girls.

 

Leanne shook her head at her son.

“There you are.” She looked at Mark and Seb. “Honestly he shot from the car. Did you even say hello to Grandma and Grandad?”

The boy turned to his grandparents to say hi, neither appearing bothered when they knew how excited he was.

“Now then,” continued Leanne, looking to Seb wanting to make him feel comfortable. “Ryan you've met, this is Jemma, and Abbey,” she nodded at each girl in turn.

“Hi,” greeted Sebastian.

“And kids, this is your Uncle Seb,” she finished with a smile.

Mark glanced at Sebastian hoping he was okay with that title, it felt so funny to hear it. Sebastian simply smiled and nodded back at the children. They all clearly had a family resemblance; something of the long Webber nose although their faces were a little more rounded like their father's. They shared a sporty appearance, brown hair and tan skin from spending so much of their life outdoors in the warm Australian climes. The girls looked particularly alike, one a couple of years older than the other, but with similar clothes and each with their long hair tied up in pony-tails, it would be impossible not to see that they were sisters.

“I was just saying how much Ryan's grown,” noted Mark.

“I'm nearly _twelve_ Uncle Mark,” Ryan pointed out.

Leanne laughed at the way he said that so proudly.

“Not till February.”

“Yeah but nearly,” argued her son.

“Very grown-up,” agreed Mark.

“Well he starts senior school next year,” noted his father. “Due a growth surge aren't you squirt?”

“I'm sure he'll shoot up in a couple of years,” noted Diane, thinking of how Mark had rocketed up in height as a teenager.

Mark shook his head thinking how time flew by. He still thought of his nephew as a small boy, asking for piggybacks and weighing nothing when Mark picked him up. He hoped the game he'd bought him as a Christmas present wasn't too young for him.

 

Leanne looked to her husband and back to Sebastian.

“Oh and this is Dean. Dean, Seb. Seb, Dean.”

Her husband smiled affably over and offered out his hand to Sebastian.

“Hi. Good to meet you at long last.”

“Yeah, likewise,” agreed Seb.

“Mark, good to see you too mate.”

“And you, been too long,” apologised Mark.

Dean put a hand on his son's shoulder.

“This one insisted on us recording your race Seb last weekend so we could watch it.”

“Oh did you?” Seb asked.

The boy seemed a little shy at having that pointed out, but he nodded, then looked at Seb with a bit more confidence.

“It was a really good race.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You like watching racing then?”

“Yeah. It's really cool. I used to watch Uncle Mark.”

“Oi,” grinned Mark. “Don't you still watch me?”

The boy turned to him.

“No I do. I mean in F1. I still watch you in your races.”

Mark smiled and patted his shoulder.

“Course. It's fine. What did you think of Seb then?”

Ryan looked up to Seb and gave him a smile.

“You were good. I liked it when you did the over-takes.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Yeah me too. They're my favourite bits.”

“Mine too,” agreed Ryan enthusiastically. “And the bit when that car blew up, that was really cool.”

Leanne sighed and shook her head.

“Hm,” smiled Mark. “Rather less cool for Rosberg I think, but yeah.” He looked to his nieces. “How's things with you two? How's school?”

Both girls pulled faces and shook their heads. Mark laughed at the common reaction, thinking he'd tended to feel the same way at their age.

“I think my brother thinks the same,” noted Sebastian.

“He's the same age as you Jemma,” explained Leanne. “Fabian isn't it?”

Sebastian nodded and the girl looked at him thinking how strange that was, but then he was quite a bit younger than her uncle.

“Ah well, not that far off to the holidays now, right?” offered Mark.

“Yeah can't wait,” agreed the elder girl. “Honestly it's ridiculous how much work they make us do. I need a holiday.”

Mark nodded, wondering if a teenager could have any idea how much more stressful life really was when you actually left school and had to grow up.

The younger girl smiled wickedly.

“We know why you want a holiday Jemma.”

The older girl sighed.

“No.”

“Yes.” Abbey grinned at Mark and Seb, enjoying teasing her sister. “Jemma's got a _boyfriend_. She just wants to hang out with him instead.”

She collapsed into giggles while her older sister rolled her eyes at her immaturity.

Leanne shook her head.

“Behave yourself Abbey.”

She caught her own mother's eye and Diane got the message.

“Right I need help with drinks. Girls, will you give me a hand?”

“Yes, come on,” prompted Leanne and steered the two indoors to keep them occupied.

 

Left outside, Mark asked his brother-in-law how he was doing, then remembered his sister mentioning his nephew's after-school activities.

“How's the rugby going Ryan? Where you playing a match the other day or just practising?”

“Oh just practise.”

“You like it though?”

“Yeah.”

“He's getting pretty good,” praised his father. “Got some speed in those legs haven't you Ryan?”

“Mm. I want to be a bit bigger though, then I won't get tackled so easy.”

Mark laid a hand on his shoulder.

“Faster's better than bigger mate. You've just got to get the ball first.”

“Very true,” agreed Dean. “You should ask these two about being fast.”

Seb laughed. “I think we're cheating by having cars.”

Ryan looked at him.

“Do you like rugby?”

“Oh, well, um, I've watched a bit with Mark.”

Mark smiled and leaned in a little as if confiding something to the boy.

“Seb's never played rugby.”

Ryan looked shocked.

“Never?”

Seb shrugged and shook his head.

“It's not so big in Germany I'm afraid.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian tried not to smile at how clearly this was seen as a failing in him.

“I played quite a bit of football at school,” he offered in an attempt to redeem himself.

“Yeah I play that as well. I like all sports really. It's my favourite bit of school,” stated Ryan.

Mark smiled.

“It was mine too.” He looked to Seb. “I bet you were good.”

“At football? Yeah I was alright,” allowed Seb.

Alan looked to his grandson.

“Maybe you'll have to teach your Uncle Seb to play rugby Ryan? We must have a ball around here somewhere.”

Mark grinned at Sebastian.

“You up for that sweetheart?”

“Oh, um, yeah sure, okay,” Sebastian agreed, thinking he was having to learn all kinds of unexpected new skills this week.

 

The others reappeared with drinks and they went back to chatting, Mark telling them about how he and Seb had been out into the country a bit and hearing in turn all of the family news before Alan and Diane decided they ought to get on with starting the food and they started work on bringing things out to get the things cooking on the barbecue and putting salad and accompaniments on a little garden table to the side. Mark offered to help his father, but Alan insisted he had it covered so they stayed making conversation instead.

“Oh before I forget, we brought your Christmas presents out with us,” Mark mentioned.

“Can we have them now?” asked his nephew, his eyes lighting up.

“No,” intervened his parents in unison.

The boy frowned and looked to Mark, hoping he would over-rule them.

Mark shrugged sympathetically.

“Sorry mate, they don't really count as Christmas presents if you get them now.”

“Oh.”

“Don't be greedy Ryan,” chided his oldest sister. “That's very kind Uncle Mark. We've not got yours yet. We'll have to post them.”

“Oh no that's fine, you don't need to worry about it. I hate to break it to you but you don't get so fussed about it when you're older.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I'll not bother with yours then shall I Liebling?”

Mark tsk'd and put his arm around Seb by his side.

“No of course I'm looking forward to yours. Oh and speaking of which, they're from Seb as well.”

Sebastian shrugged up one shoulder.

“Mark bought them, but...”

“It's very kind of you both,” replied Leanne on everyone's behalf. “You'll have to let us know if there's anything you'd like. Something for the house maybe now you've moved in Seb?”

“Oh yeah that's a good idea,” agreed her husband.

“Um, sure,” accepted Mark.

“That would be very kind,” added Sebastian.

“Is it true you're building a swimming pool?” asked Abbey.

“Yep.”

“Wow.”

“And a gym,” added Mark.

He smiled as he saw how impressed all the children looked.

“It's just easier you know, when Seb and I have to train so much. Seb used to have one at his old place and it was really useful.”

“Especially when the weather's not so great,” added Sebastian.

“Could we come visit?” asked Ryan hopefully.

Mark looked to his sister.

“Maybe. Long way to come.”

“You're welcome though,” added Seb.

“Well that's very kind. We'll have to see,” settled Leanne vaguely, saved from more appeals from her kids by Alan calling over that there was food ready to eat and the group broke up to go over.

 

They settled into various chairs brought out from the kitchen and dining room as well as a couple of garden chairs making up the numbers, eating their food and chatting. Mark took over for his father to allow him to actually get to eat as well and Sebastian stood with him, not feeling as though he was helping much.

“You need me to get anything for you?” Sebastian checked.

“Nope I'm fine.” Mark looked over the lawn to the others. “You having a good time?”

“Yeah course.”

“Kids not too scary?”

Sebastian laughed. “Teenage girls are generally a bit scary, but they're alright.”

“They are when they've calmed down. I think they were a bit excited to meet you.”

Seb pulled a face, but Mark shook his head.

“They are. Ryan is stoked. Can't you tell?”

“Really?”

“Yep. Chatting away bless him.”

“Ah well he likes that you're here.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian looked at the way Mark turned his attention to turning the meat on the barbecue.

“You must miss them?”

“Yeah I do,” Mark admitted. “I've kind of got used to being so far away, but when you're here you're reminded what you're missing.”

Sebastian nodded, thinking how important it was to see his own family more often.

“You could come back for Christmas if you wanted?”

Mark shook his head.

“Christmas is with you sweetheart. I'm not coming here on my own. Besides your family are expecting me. I'd never be so rude as to not turn up.”

“Yeah but I feel bad you're just coming to mine again.”

“No it's not like that darling. I'm looking forward to it. I guess I wish I could be in two places at once.”

“Right. Okay well we'll make sure we're here in March.”

“Course we will.”

“And maybe they really could come and visit,” offered Seb. “In the summer break perhaps?”

“Yeah,” concurred Mark. “I guess we've got plenty of room.”

“They seem quite keen.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think the kids are just impressed we'll have a pool.”

“Well anyway, it'd still be nice.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You're very good you know?”

“What?” frowned Seb.

“Just leaping in there with all my family.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“You did the same with mine.”

“Mm, spose so.” He looked at the food cooking. “Anyway this stuff's done. Do you want to go let them know?”

“Sure.”

  
  


 

  
  


An hour later they were all sat around eating Diane's fruit salad. Seb and Mark were especially glad of the lighter food today after their camping fare, sticking to the chicken and salad and letting the others have the sausages and burgers on offer.

Ryan was monopolising Mark and Sebastian, asking them questions about their racing and quizzing Seb on what his fellow F1 drivers were really like. He seemed particularly impressed that Seb was friends with Lewis.

“He's just a nice normal guy behind all that show,” explained Seb, partly to the adults in the group.

“You really just hang out?” asked Ryan.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah sometimes. Like I say he's not like he might seem in the media. We just spend a bit of time watching football or whatever.”

“He's a nice guy,” confirmed Mark. “You know he sent his plane to take us out to America when Seb first went back racing.”

His two nieces who had been lost in chatting about something to do with school in teenage slang that neither Seb nor Mark had a hope of following, suddenly swung their attention over.

“What?” asked Jemma. “You went on his plane? Like his private jet?”

“He's got a private jet?” repeated her younger sister incredulously.

Mark grinned.

“Yep. Bright red.”

“Subtle,” laughed Dean.

“Yeah, but it was really kind of him,” interjected Sebastian. “It was to help with coming back and, yeah...” he trailed off, not wanting to talk about that period.

Leanne spotted the look on his face and picked the conversation up.

“Very thoughtful of him.”

“Is it like super cool inside?” asked Abbey. “All bling and stuff?”

Mark laughed, wondering if they were imagining a gold-coated interior.

“Well it's pretty flash I grant you, but inside it's just a smaller version of a plane. Nice leather seats though.”

“And he flew out with you?” asked his niece.

“Oh no, he sent it to England for us. Lewis was already out in L.A.” explained Sebastian.

The children stared at him, unable to comprehend a reality in which you could lend a private jet as a favour.

“Different world you live in,” noted Alan.

Mark shrugged.

“Sometimes. Not at home though eh?”

He looked to Sebastian who shook his head.

“We're very ordinary at home. Just walking the dogs and stuff, nothing fancy.”

“Apart from your pool,” smiled Dean.

Mark and Sebastian laughed.

“Yeah you got us,” agreed Mark. “When we get home Seb and I are gonna get diamond-encrusted collars for the dogs and a heli-pad in the back garden.”

The family laughed, the idea seeming absurd when Mark and Sebastian were so normal and down to earth.

“You do lead a strange life sometimes,” noted Alan.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

He looked at Seb and gave him a little flick of his eyebrows. 'Strange' barely covered it. Ordinary seemed far more appealing after the year they'd had.

  
  


  
  


Once their food had settled Alan went to dig out an old rugby ball from the garage and Sebastian agreed to being given a master-class. Mark gave him a few tips, but they let Ryan be in charge, showing Seb how to pass the ball and what you needed to do to score a try. He smiled to see how well Mark worked with his nephew and how Ryan enjoyed showing off his skills. It reminded him of being home with his little brother, although being around a younger boy highlighted how much older Fabian really was now.

Ryan jumped up from his demonstration and ran back over.

“Okay you have to do a try now.”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“Oh, um...”

“No go on, we'll go easy on you,” the boy encouraged.

Mark grinned at Seb.

“Think you've got to do it now sweetheart.”

Seb pulled a face but he took the ball.

“Are you going to tackle me?”

Mark flicked his eyebrows up.

“You'll have to wait and see. Right, Ryan you go down that end.”

They had a go, Mark sending his nephew a wink to tell him the play and they let Sebastian get down to the end before Mark did a rather careful tackle on Seb just as he placed the ball over the imaginary line and Ryan decided to pile in on top while his father and grandfather watched from the sidelines.

  
  


Down the other end of the garden Leanne finished telling her daughters to put their phones away while they were here and turned to her mother.

“They look so much better already.”

Diane nodded.

“They do. I'm glad they came, even if it's not for long. I think it's doing them the world of good.”

Jemma looked up from fitting her phone away in her jeans pocket.

“Why?”

Leanne glanced at her mother, reminding her that she hadn't filled the children in on the latest incident, not wanting them to worry about such things.

“Well you know Seb was very ill after his accident. It was tough for your Uncle Mark.”

“Cos he had to look after him?”

“That and it was very stressful for him sweetheart. They've had a difficult time.”

“Did he really die?” piped up Abbey.

Diane closed her eyes unhappily and Leanne shook her head at her younger daughter.

“For heavensake don't go saying things like that.”

“Yeah but...” the girl looked at the ground thinking it was unfair she was being told off. “I saw even he said it. There was a video online.”

“Well that's as maybe, but don't go saying it here please Abbey,” Leanne insisted.

Her sister gave her a look and the girl huffed to her thinking she was so much more grown-up and superior.

“I wasn't going to say anything to them.”

Diane put her hand on her granddaughter's arm where she sat near her.

“I'm sure you wouldn't dear, but your mother's right; they've had a very hard time this year and your Uncle Mark and Seb just needed to get away from it all for a bit.”

“Are they going to be alright?”

Diane nodded.

“They'll be fine.”

Leanne looked over to where all the males in the family were now involved in something roughly approximating a game of tag rugby, her youngest child clearly having a whale of a time showing off his skills. She smiled as she saw Ryan make an attempt at tackling Mark despite being several feet shorter; Mark defeating his effort by straightening up while the boy kept hold of his shoulders, ending up dangling him off the ground while Mark carried on, Ryan laughing and shouting out to his father to rescue him because Mark was cheating.

She sighed and looked to her mother.

“It's such a shame they've got to head back so soon.”

Diane nodded.

“Well they weren't planning to come originally were they? They've got the builders due to start on their extension.”

“Of course.”

Jemma looked up.

“They're really getting an indoor pool?”

“Yep.”

“Do you think they'd let us use it?”

“If you're willing to go 10,000 miles for the pleasure,” smiled Leanne.

Jemma rolled her eyes at her mother thinking she was hilarious.

“If we visited.”

“I'm sure they would,” confirmed Leanne. “Do you fancy that then?”

Her daughter shrugged.

“Yeah. It'd be interesting.”

Jemma looked out at them playing. Everyone in school seemed to think it was such a big deal that they were together, but looking at them today her mother was clearly right; they were just an ordinary couple. It was a bit weird to get used to seeing her uncle with Seb like this, but he seemed happy. She couldn't see why anyone made such a fuss. Her little brother clearly didn't care seeing as he'd just flung himself down and grabbed hold of Sebastian's ankle to prevent him running with the ball. Then again he was just a little kid. Jemma could tell he was thrilled to have another real-life racing driver in his life. The only thing their Uncle Mark could have done to impress him more would have been to turn up with one of the Wallabies on his arm.

  
  


  
  


A little while later they had worn themselves out playing and Mark and Sebastian had fetched themselves a couple of bottles of beer to refresh themselves. They stood together, Mark with his arm around Seb's shoulder as they sipped their drinks on the side of the garden where the sun remained in the later afternoon. Dean went across to the table where his wife and mother-in-law were tidying up the remaining food. He looked over at the Mark and Seb and then back to those nearer to him.

“Well they're certainly very close,” he commented.

Alan stepped over from where he'd been checking to see if the barbecue was out.

“Can't get a cigarette paper between them most of the time,” he observed with a smile.

Diane gave him a look and he shrugged.

“It's true.”

“Well of course it's true. What do you expect?”

“Nothing. It's good, of course it's good they're happy.”

“They just need a break,” commented Leanne.

“The break and a break,” noted her husband.

“Yeah that's what I mean.”

“Yes well hopefully that's what they'll get now,” agreed Diane. “Right, now then, are you staying for dinner or do the children need to get back?”

Leanne turned and looked over at them, thinking Ryan would doubtless prefer to stay, but the girls had homework to do.

“We'd better head off soon, sorry.”

“Another half hour,” amended her husband.

She looked at him.

“You wanting a beer?”

“Well...”

“Go on then, I'll drive back,” Leanne offered.

He smiled at his wife.

“You're too good to me.”

“Yeah I really am,” she agreed.

  
  


They took things back into the kitchen and Dean fetched himself a cold beer before heading out to join Mark and Seb to drink it. Leanne came out with a less exciting glass of water a few minutes later and came to stand with them.

“I was just asking them when they're likely to be here when the grand prix's on,” Dean explained to his wife.

“We're not quite sure yet,” Mark repeated. “Seb's sister's expecting around the start of the month so we'd like to get over to see them if possible.”

“No problem,” allowed Leanne. “Just let us know. I'm sure Ryan particularly would like to see you again.”

Hearing his name float over the lawn the boy came over.

“What are you talking about?”

Mark smiled at his nephew.

“When we'll be back next in a couple of months.”

“For the race in Melbourne?”

“Yeah.”

Ryan nodded, then looked at Sebastian thinking he should seize the moment.

“Uncle Seb, can I come and watch the race?”

Sebastian glanced at the boy's parents.

“Um, maybe. I'm not sure it's up to me.”

“I think it is,” allowed Leanne.

“Oh, well,” Seb looked to Mark who shrugged, letting him know it was fine by him. “Sure, I mean if you want to.”

The boy's eyes widened.

“Can I come and see the garage?”

“If you come I'll try and sort it out. I mean if that's alright with you?” Seb checked looking at the boy's parents.

“Sure,” agreed Dean. “Go on you cheeky monkey, before you push your luck.”

Ryan beamed and ran off to tell his sisters.

“That's very kind of you Seb,” thanked Leanne.

“No problem, just let us know a bit in advance so I can ask. Race day's a bit crazy, so maybe on the Saturday?”

“That'd be great. He'll be chuffed to bits. I think he was really too young to appreciate it in Mark's day.”

Mark smiled over at his nephew.

“You know he reminds me of Fabian. I reckon they'd get on.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I'm sure they would.” He looked to the other two. “I mean my brother's a few years older, but I think they'd have plenty in common.”

“I've no doubt they'll cross paths at some point,” predicted Leanne, thinking that boys sometimes seemed younger than girls. It was still strange to think of Seb having a brother of an age to her children. She thought it would be interesting for the two sides of the family to meet. Maybe one day with any luck it might be on the cards.

  
  


  
  


They stood out on the driveway in front of the house saying their goodbyes, Seb a little surprised to get hugs from the girls as well as the others. As he bent down to give Ryan a hug he repeated his promise to see what he could do about visiting during the next race and looked to Leanne.

“Just let me know when you think you might be able to be there and I'll get on it.”

“Thank you, that's very kind of you Seb. Isn't it Ryan?” Leanne prompted.

The boy looked up.

“Yeah. We can go then?”

“We'll see what we can sort out,” agreed his father. “Right we'd better be off then. Seb great to meet you.”

“You too.”

 

As they waved their goodbyes Sebastian pressed more into Mark and looked up at him as his parents turned to go indoors.

“We'll get out here as early as we can before the race next year.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “It'll all work out.”

He smiled at the last enthusiastic wave from his nephew.

“If we ever end up with Ryan and Fabian in the garage at the same time I think the place would explode with excitement.”

Sebastian laughed and leaned his head on Mark's shoulder, already thinking that he'd have to dig out some bits and pieces of RedBull gear to send Ryan as extra Christmas presents, to the one's they'd given to their parents earlier. Maybe find him something exclusive from the factory. When he was that age Seb knew he'd have treasured something like a genuine part from the car. There was bound to be something around he could filch from the guys when he went in to take them their own Christmas presents in a couple of weeks' time.

He let out a sigh and Mark gave him a squeeze.

“Alright?”

Seb turned his head in to him.

“Yep. Just looking forwards to Christmas.”

“Ah. Me too sweetheart.”

He gave Seb a little pull.

“Come on, let's go in. I need a sit down.”

They turned and Seb smiled at Mark as they walked inside.

“Are you worn out?”

Mark laughed.

“The really sad thing is I am a bit. Ryan's getting a bit big to be lugged about.”

Sebastian smiled thinking how good with him Mark was, mucking about and enjoying playing games with his nephew. Then again he'd enjoyed that too. It was fun to pretend to be big kids for a bit.

“Another early night?” Sebastian proposed.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking an evening of being fed tea by Mark's mum followed by an early night snuggled up with Mark sounded perfect, then one more day of doing absolutely nothing but allowing themselves to be spoiled before their time was up.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Far too soon they were back at the airport in Canberra. They'd spent their last day doing nothing more energetic than taking a walk out as a family and then spending the afternoon sitting in the sunshine in the garden before getting around to packing while Diane cooked them another filling dinner. It had been an early start this morning, but of course Mark's parents wouldn't hear of them getting a taxi.

They stood now giving them long hugs goodbye as Mark and Seb thanked them for having them stay, promising to let them know how they got on with their journey. It was at least set to be a little more straight-forward than their route here. Mark had booked the earliest flight out so they'd leave just after eight am with mercifully brief changes in Sydney and Singapore then with any luck arrive home shortly after eleven pm UK time. Given that they were travelling west they gained time on themselves as the hours rolled back and despite the long flight they'd be home within the day.

“I reckon we should get home before midnight,” explained Mark to his mother. “We'll just jump in a taxi. Roads'll be dead that time of night.”

“Well just drop us a text,” requested Diane.

“I will. Promise.”

“Okay. Well,” his mother sighed. “It's been lovely having you both.”

She gave them more firm hugs and looked at the pair.

“Now you both take care of each other and make sure you have a good break over Christmas.”

“We will Mum. Nothing to do but buy more presents and feed the builders tea,” Mark assured his mother.

“Good.”

“Thank you so much for having us,” offered Sebastian.

“Nonsense dear, thank you for coming.”

“We'll be back in a couple of months,” reminded Mark.

“Course,” affirmed his father. “Right then, don't go missing your flight.”

 

The two hitched their flight-bags up and Mark's parents stole a last couple of hugs before they watched the pair walk away to go through security. Diane leaned into her husband who put his arm around her.

“They'll be alright love.”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I know.”

She saw the way Sebastian had slipped his hand into Mark's as they walked away. He was a sweet boy, no wonder Mark wanted to take such care of him. Diane only hoped that Seb wouldn't need quite so much looking after in future.

  
  


  
  


* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cold wet and miserable out, think I'll turn up the heating and imagining I'm sunning myself in Aus... ;)
> 
>  
> 
> Having said that, I'm beginning to feel a bit Christmassy. I think some Christmas chapters might be in order.


	113. Gingerbread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

* * *

 

 

  
  


It was strange to be back in the cold, dull damp of a British winter after the heat and bright sunshine of Australia, but it was always good to be home. The dogs were plainly overjoyed to have them back and they made sure the house was nice and cosy. Mark and Sebastian spent the day after their return attempting to re-adjust to the time difference and barely made it further than the sofa all day. As it got darker outside Mark suggested Seb put his new skills to good use.

“You want to make a fire?”

“Me?”

“Yeah. I'll help.”

“Um, okay,” agreed Seb, thinking how different this felt at home. On the few occasions they'd lit it before Mark had done all the work, but he did feel a little more confident now.

Mark fetched a half-empty bag from the garage and they set about their task, Mark letting Seb take the lead while he concentrated on keeping the dogs from sticking their noses in. Sebastian surprised himself by finding that having such things as newspaper to scrunch up underneath and dry kindling to hand, actually made it much easier.

“Very good darling,” praised Mark as the fire took hold.

Sebastian smiled at him.

“I didn't know our trip was going to be so educational.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Life is full of surprises.”

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


The following day they were glad they had allowed themselves a lazy day off to recover when they had to be up early to meet the developers and be introduced to the team that would be working on the extension to go over their plans. Mark and Seb were both grateful to find that the builders seemed a friendly bunch when they were going to around so much. As they stood outside in a gentle drizzle watching while they marked out the plot, Mark put his arm around Seb and gave him a squeeze.

“Excited?”

Sebastian nodded and smiled.

“Yeah, can't wait till it's done.”

“Me neither,” agreed Mark.

There was going to be a fair bit of disruption, but it was a price worth paying. Mark was glad to know that the firm they'd selected offered their builders a bonus incentive for completing the work on schedule, so he was fairly confident there ought not to be too many delays.

 

The site manager came over for a chat.

“So we're looking good. You know the driveway's going to need to be clear?”

“No problem,” agreed Mark. “We can just keep one of the cars on the lane for the time-being can't we?”

He glanced to Sebastian who nodded.

“You guys aren't bothered about the weather?” Seb checked.

The man laughed and shook his head.

“This is nothing. Takes a real storm to stop us. We've got a couple of weeks to crack on before Christmas, then the lads have a few days off and we'll carry on.”

“Righto.”

“We've got the digger coming later and I'm sure you'll be pleased to know, a porta-loo.”

Mark coughed with laughter, but it was a sensible idea.

“Well whatever you need we should be around most of the time.”

“Good. I'm sure that will be helpful and you can keep an eye on progress.”

Sebastian looked over at the group working.

“Would they like a cup of tea?”

The man laughed.

“I've no doubt they would. Don't take this the wrong way though, I'd leave it a bit, let them get cracking.”

“Oh of course.”

“It's very kind of you though. Maybe in an hour or so.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay well we'll let you get on,” offered Mark. “Just give us a shout if you need anything.”

 

They went inside, feeling at something of a loose end seeing as they'd already walked the dogs first thing. Mark suggested going for a run, but Seb wanted to be around while the work started, so they killed time sorting out all their things from their travels until Pauline turned up and they had the opportunity to fill her in.

It almost seemed strange for Sebastian to accept Pauline's praise of his race. It seemed very far away now, but she was so happy to have them back it would have felt churlish not to accept it and feel good as a result. Pauline seemed even happier to hear what a good time they'd had visiting Mark's family.

“It must be a shock to come back to this,” she noted, looking out the window at the uninspiring grey sky.

Mark smiled.

“Do you mean the weather or the builders?”

“Both. Speaking of which, are you going to show me what's going on?”

“Oh of course.”

 

They took Pauline round to show them where the work was beginning and as they stood looking on the manager came over and said hello, dropping a couple of hints that the tea that had been offered earlier might be welcome now, so they went back in to boil the kettle and set to work while Pauline got out what she considered their oldest and least valuable mugs. They carried the tea outside, making sure that the dogs, who were far too over-excited at all the comings and goings, stayed shut inside. Mark and Seb went back in, realising they had forgotten to add sugar and offer biscuits. Once that was sorted they stood to the side while the builders took five minutes break. As soon as a couple of mugs were drained, Pauline took them back to the kitchen, excusing herself saying she really ought to get on.

When she was gone the manager smiled at Mark.

“Your mum's laid down the law.”

Mark frowned, then the pair of them laughed as they realised. Mark shook his head.

“She's not my mum. Pauline's our housekeeper. Sorry, we should have introduced her properly.”

“Oh I see, sorry.”

“She just thinks she's our mum,” smiled Mark.

“Ah, well, anyways she's told us there'll be newspaper at the back door and if we need to come inside we're to stand on it or take off our boots.”

Mark and Sebastian tried not to laugh, but it was good to know Pauline was already keeping them in line.

“She's just trying to keep her floors nice,” explained Seb. “I think she has enough trouble with the dogs.”

“Right.”

“We'll make sure they're kept out of your way,” promised Mark.

“Sure. Well this is your home, I'm certain we'll find a way to rub along together.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark, “and before you think Pauline's a dragon, you should know she's the one who bought you all extra tea and biscuits in.”

The man laughed and raised his mug in salute.

“I'll make sure we stay on her right side then. Never cross the lady with the biscuits.”

“She's an angel,” confirmed Sebastian. “If you're nice to her, Pauline will do anything for you.”

“I've no doubt,” agreed the man. “Right, well I'm done. Thanks for this.”

He handed back his mug and rounded up the rest so they could take them in. As they approached the back door Sebastian smiled at Mark.

“Pauline is a bit like having an extra mum around.”

Mark smiled back and nodded.

“True. We'd better not mention that to either of our mums though.”

“No,” agreed Sebastian.

They stepped inside and the dogs leapt up at them, still excited at all the strange activities going on.

“We'd better introduce Shadow and Simba properly too,” noted Mark, thinking that the dogs needed to know friend from foe.

“Yeah. Maybe leave it till their lunch, then see if it dries up later and we can take them for a nice long walk?”

“Sounds like a plan darling,” Mark agreed.

  
  


  
  


  
  


The next day they braved leaving the builders to their work, not disappointed to get away from the mild chaos that had reigned since yesterday afternoon when various pieces of big equipment had arrived; a digger and dumper truck as well as a skip and a porta-loo. The driveway had been busy with vans and deliveries while they set up. Seb and Mark had kept an eye on it all unfolding, trying not to worry at the mess. They knew they simply had to get used to the disruption to their lives for a couple of months. At least there was room around the side of the garage to allow them access, they were just going to have to write-off the lawn at that side and get used to the mud.

They'd chosen to pay for extra workmen on team to get the job done more quickly, so the place felt a bustling hive of activity which was good in some ways as they wanted to feel as though rapid progress was going to be made. On the other hand it didn't make for the most restful of atmospheres. Not outside at any rate. Given that it was now winter it wasn't as though they were likely to want to spend time in the garden or keep the windows open, so if you were in the lounge on the side of the house furthest away from the work it wasn't too bad and that had been where they had spent most of the Thursday afternoon, but Mark had suggested making a start on sorting themselves out for Christmas and Sebastian had leapt at the idea.

 

So it was that mid-morning on the Friday they headed out to the plantation Mark knew of and they parked up in the rough little car-park at the edge of a field filled with pine trees. He smiled to see Sebastian so obviously excited at the prospect, but Mark couldn't tease him too much when he was almost as excited himself. They'd both been looking forward to this time of year for so long, hanging on to it as a time when they would be free from all the stresses of the racing season.

They wandered around, hand in hand as they debated the relative merits of the trees they saw. Mark made a joke about how seriously Seb was taking it all, but then Seb pointed out that Mark was the one who had measured the height of the lounge so they could be certain to get a tree that fitted and he had to accept that was true he had brought the tape-measure with him. In the end it took getting on for an hour before they finally came to their decision and found the attendant to ask if they could arrange delivery the following day.

The man retrieved his clipboard and wrote down all the details, commenting that they were lucky to be here today and not tomorrow when it was bound to be chaos by ten am, with families inundating the place on the weekend.

“Place'll be full of kids,” he noted, sounding less than thrilled with the anticipation.

Mark laughed.

“Couple of big kids ourselves. Anyway thanks for fitting us in. Can you let whoever's dropping it off know the driveway might be busy, but it's fine to stop on the lane.”

“Sure. It'll have to be early.”

“No problem. Earlier the better.”

“Fine. Before nine then.”

“Great.” Mark turned to Seb. “Right then sweetheart, on to our next job?”

Sebastian nodded. He couldn't pretend he wasn't looking forward to going shopping for decorations. Pauline had recommended a couple of garden centres in the vicinity and Seb had a feeling they were going to need a trolley for all the things he wanted. Mark hardly had anything and although Sebastian had his things from last year they had a bigger tree this Christmas and much more house to decorate.

  
  


When they walked in to the first large garden centre Mark watched happily as Seb's eyes lit up at all the displays. The place had really gone to town on Christmas. Mark huffed a laugh as he glanced around.

“Do you think they're actually hiding any plants in here?”

Sebastian was barely listening, he was tugging at Mark's hand to drag him over to see what was on offer, turning to him as they made their way over.

“Okay, so do we go with mostly red and gold or do you have any preference?”

Mark could have said he couldn't care less, but all he wanted to do was make Seb happy.

“Whatever you like darling.”

“Hmm, I think mostly that and then a few other things to keep it interesting, we need some big swags for the stairs and then something to go round the fireplace and I like those wreath things to go on the front door and... Mark?”

Mark tried to hide how much he was fighting grinning at all this untempered enthusiasm.

“I'll get a trolley shall?” he offered.

“Oh, okay, yeah good idea,” agreed Sebastian.

 

By the time Mark came over Seb already had several things in his hands and Mark took charge of piling things in. He could never have imagined doing something like this on his own, but as time went on Mark found himself getting more involved as they found what he had to admit were some pretty nifty little designs; cute little gingerbread men and Victorian style toys with moving parts to hang from the tree. As he wandered along with Sebastian he found something that even Mark knew they had to buy.

“Seb, look at these.”

Mark held up his find and Sebastian gasped in delight.

“Gingerbread dogs! Oh my god, okay we have to get two.”

“Righto.”

 

On it went, the items piling up in the trolley. Mark shuddered to think what it was going to come to, but then it was hardly as if they needed to count the pennies. When Seb finally exhausted the available displays they made their way to the till.

“I'll put it on my card,” offered Sebastian.

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“No darling, it's for the house, for both of us. Joint account.”

“You're sure?”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Absolutely mate.”

“It's quite a lot.”

Mark shrugged.

“We'll re-use it all in years to come won't we? Let's consider it an investment.”

Sebastian laughed and dug out the joint bank account card from his wallet to pay, leaning over once everything was bagged ready to go to give Mark a kiss on the cheek in thanks.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“No problem. Right. Are we done or do you just want to take a look at the other place Pauline said?”

Sebastian paused, not wanting to push Mark when he knew this wasn't really his thing, but Mark carried on.

“Tell you what, why don't we just have a look-see? We can always just use it as a stop off for coffee.”

Sebastian smiled brightly, pleased beyond measure at how Mark was going along with all this.

“Yeah okay. We still need to find something to distract the dogs.”

“Ah yes, good point. Come on then.”

 

They gathered up all their purchases and went back to the car. As they fitted all the bags into the boot Seb turned to Mark.

“You really don't mind do you?”

Mark shook his head.

“No. Why would I? It's fine darling, though I think we may need all weekend to put it up.”

“Yeah probably,” agreed Seb. “Okay we'll just nip to the next one, then go home for lunch and take the dogs out for a long walk this afternoon. What do you reckon?”

“Sounds good.”

They climbed into the car and Mark turned to Seb.

“You know they're going to go nuts at all this stuff don't you?”

Sebastian nodded and gave a shrug.

“Guess we'll have to try to keep most of it out of reach. The tree, well...”

“We'll tell them it's out of bounds.”

“Hmm.”

Mark laughed at how dubious Seb sounded. From past experience he thought Seb might be right.

“Ah well, we've got plenty of time on our hands. We'll just have to keep an eye on it, make sure the lounge door is shut when we're not in there.”

Seb nodded, although he still didn't think he'd find it in his heart to tell the dogs off no matter what they did.

“Right then.” Mark turned the ignition. “Onto the next one, there must be a couple of glittery shiny things in the county we haven't bought yet.”

Seb just smiled and sat back as they drove out, already thinking what he could do to pay Mark back and where they could do some activities that would get them out of the house. If it stayed dry they could go for a bike ride on Sunday morning and maybe they should fit in a run tomorrow morning before they got started? Even Seb thought that if he spent two full days doing nothing but fussing over getting all the decorations in the right place he might start to flag somewhat.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


On the Saturday morning they took the dogs out early, then fitted in a run before setting to with the tree that had been delivered shortly after they'd had breakfast. It took some doing to get it in place, as once it was in its heavy pot the tree only just fitted in, the top branch dusting the ceiling. Mark had to climb on a chair, leaning in with Seb hanging onto him to stop him toppling into the tree while he chopped off a couple of inches with secateurs dug out of the garage.

“There. Okay hand me the star,” prompted Mark, taking a firmer stand on the chair while he dropped down the excess bit of pine.

Sebastian found it and passed the star decoration up to Mark who had to lean in again to fit it on.

“Okay.”

Mark set it on top then jumped down so the pair of them could stand back and look.

“Very good Liebling,” praised Sebastian.

The top of the star was approximately one centimetre below the ceiling, but that was okay.

“Right then.” Mark looked at the various bags and boxes occupying the carpet. “One job down...”

  
  


Two hours later they took a break to take more tea out to the builders who were working the Saturday to get the job really going. So far all they really had was the beginnings of a pit and some ditches where foundations would go, but that part of the garden certainly didn't look as it had done a couple of days earlier. It was still pretty difficult to picture how it was all going to look when it was done, but they were both glad that they had come back home to make a start. They went back in to fuss over the neglected dogs in the kitchen for a while then returned to collect the mugs before returning to their work.

Mark thought the guys were pleasant enough and the manager seemed confident that it should be a reasonably straight-forward job, but Mark still found himself thinking that he'd rather be here if Seb was home. Not that he didn't trust Seb, or even really the builders now he'd met them, but still, there was something that felt wrong about even the idea of Seb being here alone with almost complete strangers. Mark knew it was ridiculous, but it discomforted him nonetheless. Then again, now it was the break there really wasn't any reason for Seb to be here on his own. All their plans for the break involved doing things together. Sebastian had even suggested that Mark come with him when he dropped into the factory to deliver his Christmas presents. Initially Mark had thought it might be better for Seb to go alone, but he would like to say hello to Christian and Adrian too if he was there, so maybe he would go? It wasn't as if he had to make a decision now.

 

By mid afternoon Sebastian thought they'd made a fairly good start. The tree was looking a lot more Christma-fied; the lights were working and they had a good few layers of trailed tinsel and gold bead chains sent around and around the tree until they were both dizzy with it. They tested the lights while they could still get at them and stood back to look.

Sebastian smiled at Mark.

“It's looking great.”

Mark looked down at the spread out decorations all over the room.

“Aren't you wanting all that on it too?” he asked.

“Oh. Well yes, but...” Seb glanced out of the window. “Why don't we have a break, take the dogs out while it's still light?”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah. Wake ourselves up a bit.”

Mark nodded, thinking a spot of fresh air might do them all good. They fetched their outdoor gear and got ready before stepping out to let the builders know they'd be gone for half an hour or so, getting back before it got dark and they headed off for the day.

 

When they returned both of them did feel better for it. They returned the dogs to the kitchen and bobbed out to let the guys know they were home before continuing their efforts in the lounge.

Mark took a deep breath and looked over all the things still left on the floor.

“Right then darling, what next?”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“You know you don't have to do all of this with me.”

“Nonsense,” countered Mark firmly. “It's our tree. I'm helping.”

Sebastian looked to him for a moment to be sure, then pointed at the box of shiny red baubles of varying sizes.

“Okay, that box next please.”

“Righto.”

 

By six o'clock Sebastian was satisfied that they really had done a pretty decent job of it. The tree looked lovely; a nice balance of types of decoration and enough different things mixed in to make it special. The whole lounge smelt of pine and that alone made the place seem festive.

Mark passed him the little gingerbread figures and they fixed them on half-way up; two little gingerbread men with two little gingerbread dogs dangling together from nearby branches. Sebastian straightened them up on their little gingham ribbons then turned and smiled to Mark.

“Our own little gingerbread family.”

Mark nodded and smiled back.

“Very nice darling.”

“Do you think it's silly?” wondered Seb.

Mark pulled a face.

“Nope. I think it's lovely. Hang on.”

Mark pulled out his phone and took a picture of the little group.

“My Christmas tweet, right there.”

Sebastian laughed and kissed him.

“Selfie then,” he prompted.

“Am I tweeting that too?”

Sebastian shook his head. They never did that kind of thing, it was only asking for trouble.

“To send to our families and people.”

“Ah right, good idea,” agreed Mark. “Mum'll love this. Right then.”

They got into position and Mark put his arm around Seb and they lined up the shot with the tree in back.

“Oh lights, lights!” called out Sebastian.

He went to switch them on and they got a couple of shots, sitting on the floor to check them out. Mark had to admit it looked good. The tree was almost like something out of a magazine with just a few extra touches of their own, and the little white Christmas lights made everything sparkly.

“It looks good doesn't it?” checked Sebastian.

“It does darling. You've got a gift.”

Sebastian crinkled his nose.

“You did it too.”

“Yeah okay. Gotta have someone around to reach the tall bits.”

“You don't mind do you Liebling?”

“Nah it's all good. It's fun. Really. I think last year helping you with your tree was the first time I've enjoyed this stuff since I was a kid.”

“Oh okay.”

“I've been looking forward to all this,” Mark emphasised.

Sebastian sat back a little, relaxing to hear it.

“Okay well I think that's plenty for now. We can do the rest of the house tomorrow.”

“Sure. Okay well are you feeling brave?”

Sebastian frowned.

“Brave?”

“Bringing the dogs in to show them,” Mark explained.

“Oh.” Sebastian laughed. “Yeah okay.”

 

They went through to fetch the animals, each taking hold of a collar as they re-entered the lounge and were glad to have done so when the dogs immediately started jumping up and barking excitedly.

Mark turned and ducked down to look at them, still keeping hold of Shadow's collar.

“Down.”

He eye-balled both dogs and they settled down as Mark addressed them.

“Now then boys. This is our Christmas tree and you are _not_ to ruin it,” he instructed firmly.

The dogs had stopped their jumping, but they were still looking at the shiny sight that had appeared in the lounge with glee. Mark leaned in closer.

“No jumping and pulling.” Mark held up a finger. “ _No_.”

The dogs looked back at him and finally stilled completely. Mark stood back up and they walked the dogs over until they were about a metre away from the tree. The dogs pulled a little, straining from their grasp to get closer.

“No touching the tree,” repeated Mark. He looked to Seb. “I think we need to sit them down.”

They each gave the dogs a little push on their hind-quarters to encourage them and the dogs sat still. Mark and Sebastian each ducked down with them and they kept the dogs in place for a moment. Mark looked to Seb.

“You try it,” he prompted.

“Okay.”

Sebastian moved further in front of Shadow and Simba, holding up the palm of his hand.

“Stay,” instructed Seb, trying to sound as firm as possible.

Mark nodded and let go of Shadow's collar and Seb did the same. The dogs looked to Mark and he gave them a solid stare back. He almost laughed when the animals turned to look at Seb instead as if he would allow them when Mark would not.

“Stay,” repeated Seb.

Mark nodded at them and then pointed at the tree.

“This is not for you. No pushing, pawing, running, _anything_ on the tree.”

Shadow and Simba seemed to think about it for a moment then relented and Mark gave them a nod.

“Good boys.”

He reached out and gave Shadow a rub while Sebastian did the same for Simba.

“Good boys,” echoed Seb. “Just not the tree. I know it looks fun, but you have to leave it alone. We've got something for you to play with. Come over here.”

 

They got up and indicated over to the other side of the room to lead the dogs over. Sebastian picked up a bag and pulled out two large toys, like giant toy bones, chewy in the middle but with shiny balls and decorations attached at either end so it could roll around.

“Okay these are for you.”

Seb handed one to Mark so they could each give one over and the dogs enthusiastically pawed at them and pushed them around with their noses.

Mark smiled at Seb.

“Think we've got a hit.”

“Do you think it'll distract them from destroying the tree?” wondered Seb.

“Can but try.”

They played with the toys, rolling them about and playing push-me-pull-you with the dogs and rewarding them with lots of rubs and praise, hoping that might encourage them to behave.

“Yes, aren't you good,” praised Sebastian, giving Shadow a big hug as he came in close, pushing his nose into Seb's cheek and making them laugh when he snuck in a lick.

“Urgh, lovely,” complained Seb, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “Right Liebling think I might make us a cup of tea if you fancy it?”

“Thanks. I'll keep watch on these guys.”

Sebastian pushed Shadow away and went off to the kitchen leaving Mark to play with the dogs.

 

Mark leaned in and gave each of them a rub and indicated back over to the tree.

“Really boys, try to be good for me. It'd make Seb unhappy if you ruin his tree. Play with these instead. Can you do that for me? Hmm?”

The dogs pushed in for another rub and Mark obliged before passing them the toys again.

“Yeah you'll be good for me won't you? Good boys.”

Mark had his arms round both of them and they pushed in for a hug.

“Good boys,” repeated Mark, thinking how much they owed them.

 

Sebastian came back through bearing two full mugs which he set on the coffee table.

“We forgot to show them,” he remembered.

“Hm?”

“Us on the tree.”

Mark laughed and they lead the dogs over to point out the little gingerbread family. Stopping them when they tried to push their noses into the shiny things dangling there and settling them down again before showing them.

“Look, this is us. Me and Mark and I think this one is you Shadow and this one is Simba,” explained Sebastian.

Mark laughed.

“How do you know?”

Seb shrugged.

“Well this one has to be you cos it's a bit higher up and this one's a bit darker so it has to be Shadow.”

“Impeccable logic,” agreed Mark. “Right then why don't we have a rest? I think we've earned it.”

 

They went to sit themselves down on the sofa, encouraging the dogs to follow with their new toys, jiggling them about before settling down drinking their tea with the television on, the dogs finally calming down enough to lie down at their feet as usual. Mark put his arm around Seb and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You've done a great job sweetheart.”

Seb smiled back.

“Both of us.”

“Right. Both of us.”

Sebastian settled in against Mark's shoulder and let out a happy sigh.

“Thank you.”

Mark gave a little shrug and Seb turned in further to look at him.

“I'll make dinner,” he offered.

“You don't have to.”

“No I will as a thank you.” Sebastian huffed a laugh. “If that counts as a thank you.”

“Of course it counts.”

“So?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then,” nodded Mark, thinking there was no point arguing over the fact Seb didn't need to thank him. “And I'll make us a nice Sunday lunch tomorrow, what d'ya say?”

“Sounds lovely.”

“There we go then.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a squeeze. His sister was right, they just needed to find a balance.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


When Pauline came round on the following Tuesday she couldn't help laughing at the contrast; outside was a chaos, but inside Mark and Seb had transformed the house into some kind of Christmas showroom. Even the kitchen had decorations above the doors and window.

“You've been busy haven't you?” she smiled.

“Oh well you know,” shrugged Seb.

Mark shook his head at Sebastian being so deferential when he'd made such an effort.

“Come and look at the lounge,” he encouraged and showed her through, Seb following and the dogs behind him.

Once in there Mark turned to the animals and pointed to the floor where they obediently sat, hoping they would be in for a treat in the near future if they behaved. Pauline stood shaking her head at all they'd done, then turned to them.

“Well isn't that wonderful?” she smiled.

“It did pretty much take all weekend,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark put an arm around him and looked at their handiwork.

“Mostly Seb.”

“No,” protested Seb. “Mark did lots too.”

“I'm sure you did,” agreed Pauline.

“And these guys have been very good,” praised Sebastian looking over to the dogs.

“Have they?”

“Mm, best if you don't leave them alone in here though,” cautioned Mark.

“We'll keep the door shut,” agreed Pauline, thinking it would be a terrible shame to see all this hard work upset. “So then, are you up to much today?”

“Ah well we were thinking of going shopping,” related Mark.

“More decorations?” joked Pauline.

“I doubt there's anything left we've not already bought,” Mark laughed.

Seb gave him a little nudge and Mark gave him a wink back.

“Present shopping,” clarified Sebastian.

“Of course. Well you get on then. I'll make sure these boys are in the kitchen.”

“Thank you Pauline,” offered Seb.

“Yeah thanks. Alright well the guys out back seem okay so you don't need to worry about them.”

“Okay well enjoy yourselves.”

 

 

As they climbed into the car five minutes later Seb turned to Mark.

“What are we going to buy her?”

Mark shook his head.

“Pauline? No idea. A new hoover?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Definitely nothing too practical.”

“Smellies. Women like that sort of thing,” suggested Mark.

“We can't just get that,” Seb protested.

“They do like, I don't know, basket things of them.”

Mark paused and looked at Seb.

“It's not enough is it?”

Sebastian shook his head. Not with all Pauline did for them.

“We'll think of something,” he assured.

“Yeah. Right let's go then.”

 

They set off and Sebastian sat back in his seat thinking he was having more trouble with Mark's present. He knew Mark was giving him a bike and that was fine, but he couldn't think of anything Mark needed and he was running out of time. Now they were home Christmas seemed right apon them. Seb had bought most of the things for everyone in work online while he was kicking his heels at the hotel during the race weekend and they'd started to turn up in dribs and drabs which was okay as long as they were all delivered before Friday when he planned to call in at the factory. But Mark? He had no idea what to get him for Christmas. Sebastian stared out at the passing hedgerows as they drove towards Oxford wondering what on earth he was going to do.

A few minutes later Sebastian turned back to Mark. Typically whilst frantically trying to think of one thing, he'd come up with something else.

“Flights.”

Mark frowned.

“What?”

“For Pauline,” explained Seb. “So she can go see her son. That's what we could get her.”

“Ah.”

“Do you think it's a good idea?”

Mark nodded sagely.

“Yeah. Very thoughtful. We'd have to get them for her husband too.”

“Course. We could get vouchers or something,” proposed Sebastian.

“Mm, might be easier just to get the tickets. Maybe we should just ask her?”

“Not a surprise then.”

“No but... She might prefer to have it all sorted for her. That could be part of the present,” Mark explained.

“Oh. Hm... Yeah okay, guess that makes sense. Okay we'll ask her.”

“We should get her the smellies too,” smiled Mark, “something overpriced she'd never buy herself.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded. Pauline deserved to be made a fuss of.

  
  


  
  


They walked around the streets of Oxford, wending their way around the shops through the Christmas throngs. Wrapped up against the cold in coats and hats no one seemed to notice them when they were far too busy with their own urgent present buying needs. Mark kept Seb's hand in his, not wanting to lose him in the crowds. Mark had done a lot of his buying ready to take out with them to Australia, but Seb had most of his family yet to buy for.

His brother was easy enough with a couple of new video games to go with some things Sebastian had collected up from RedBull and his parents were fairly predictable in their preferences. For his sisters Seb ended up going with Mark's suggestion of expensive baskets of what Mark insisted on calling 'smellies' from one of the exclusive little shops that Seb suspected were ripping the public off. Then again it was nicely presented, so it would look good when unwrapped. That plus some nice sets of jewellery he'd spied on display worked quite well of each of them. He'd been tempted to get his sister Stefanie something for the baby, but it felt wrong to be buying it in advance, as if it would be bringing bad luck on them, so he left it at that and got a few little things to make up a present for Jan as well.

 

As they went around the city Sebastian kept finding more and more things for other people; something for Christian, something for Britta, even a little something to send to Henry. He kept thinking that he would spot some things for Mark, but the more he looked, the less Sebastian seemed to see would do. The later it got, the more stressed he was starting to feel about it. It had felt as though they would have ages until Christmas once the season was over, but now it was little more than a week until they were due to fly out to Germany.

 

By the time they decided to take a break in the bookshop café, Sebastian could feel the worry about what to get Mark building up inside him, leaving him pre-occupied. As they sat sipping coffee in the far corner where they'd succeeded in bagging a small table, Mark was starting to wonder if Seb wasn't a little quiet. He looked over at him.

“You alright?”

“Hm?” replied Sebastian, looking back up from where he'd been staring into his cup as if the swirls in the coffee would tell him what to get Mark. “Oh, yeah fine.”

“Getting tired?” tried Mark.

“Um, yeah a bit I guess.”

“Shall we head off after this then? Get back in time to take the dogs out before it gets too gloomy?”

Sebastian wondered whether he ought not to keep going around the shops until he found something, but they'd been doing that for hours and he suspected that he was no more likely to come up with a gift if they carried on and he'd only be getting more annoyed with himself at his failure.

“Sure.”

“Righto.”

Mark went back to drinking his coffee. Seb did seem a bit off. He'd been more than happy earlier, but he seemed to have faded as the day wore on. Maybe he really just was tired? The crowds were beginning to get to Mark somewhat now too. Getting home and going for a walk in the nice open countryside ought to cheer them both up.

  
  


  
  


Through the remains of the day Sebastian wasn't exactly silent, but he did find himself distracted, the worry building in him. Mark thought Sebastian had perked up when they'd been out with with dogs and while they made dinner together, but as they ate he'd slipped into quietness again. By the time they were sat on the sofa watching television later Mark was sure he wasn't imagining it.

He gave Seb a little squeeze where they sat together.

“Are you wanting an early night?” tried Mark.

“Hm?”

Mark frowned at how far away Seb seemed.

“Are you worn out?”

“Oh, um, no I'm okay,” Seb replied, not wanting Mark to worry about him.

Mark didn't want to push, so he left it and they settled back into watching the programme. Sebastian found the shiny decorations catching his eye as they sat there which unfortunately this only emphasised his dilemma even more as they ensured Christmas was unavoidably in his mind.

 

Mark leaned forwards to give the dogs a stroke as the programme finished, then turned back to look to Seb.

“Are you alright darling?”

“Fine.”

Mark frowned at him. He was sure something was off, but he couldn't imagine why.

“You're quiet.”

Sebastian shrugged and something in it told Mark that it wasn't nothing.

“What is it?” pressed Mark.

Seb didn't know what to say. Mark was being so good, doing everything for him to make him happy and now he was letting Mark worry about him.

“Seb?”

Sebastian looked down. He was about to dismiss it and say that he was just tired, but that would be a lie.

“Sweetheart what's the matter?”

Seb lifted his head, but all he managed was another half shrug and a squished face, but he could see Mark fretting and that wasn't fair to him. He just had to tell Mark the truth.

“I don't know what to get you.”

Mark frowned even more.

“What?”

“For Christmas,” confessed Seb.

Mark shook his head. He'd been thinking it was something serious.

“Oh my god Seb, you're not worrying about that?”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Of course I am. I have to get you a present.”

Mark let out a little laugh.

“Yeah but it's just a present Seb. It doesn't matter.”

“It _does_ matter. I have to get you something really special. I owe you so much.”

“Seb.”

“No I do. I've left it too late. I assumed I'd come up with something once we got into the break. I just haven't been thinking about it until now.”

The tone of Sebastian's voice was rising as the worry that had been piling up inside him spilled out.

Mark sighed and rubbed at his face.

“Of course you haven't.”

“No but I should have been.”

“Sweetheart.”

“It's almost Christmas now and I don't know what to get you. I've been trying and trying to think, but I just can't and now it's getting too late and...”

Mark could hear Seb getting more stressed. He turned in to him and rubbed Seb's arm.

“Hey now sweetheart come on, it's just a present. It's no big deal.”

“It _is_ a big deal.”

“Darling.”

“No. It is. It's Christmas and I haven't got you anything. I've got almost everyone else's, but not yours and you're the most important person.”

“Seb.”

“I've really been trying, but I just can't think of anything you need and I should know you best but I can't think and I feel so bad.”

Sebastian was getting faster as he spoke and Mark could tell he was working himself up. He put his hand to Seb's cheek.

“Hey, no darling, come on.”

Seb's face crumpled as he looked back down.

“I'm supposed to know everything about you. But I just can't think what to get.”

“ _Seb_ ,” sighed Mark. “It's just a present.”

Sebastian looked up at him and Mark could see his eyes filled with tears.

“I'm sorry Liebling.”

“Ah come on now.”

“I should have thought ages ago.”

“You've not stopped in weeks and all that's gone on...”

“What does it say if I can't think of something nice for you?” worried Sebastian.

“It says we've had a lot of other things on our mind darling. I only knew to get you a bike cos you got me one in the summer,” argued Mark.

 

Sebastian pouted unhappily, thinking that didn't excuse him failing in return. Mark put his hands to rest at either side of Seb's face and looked at him carefully.

“It's not important sweetheart.”

“But that's like saying you're not important,” countered Seb.

“It really isn't.”

 

Mark took hold of Sebastian's left hand. He looked at them linked together, his mind swept back in time.

“I don't care about presents. I just... I don't care about _stuff_. I care about you. I just want you.”

Mark looked at Seb sincerely, then back down at their hands, Sebastian's eyes drawn down in the same direction as Mark spoke.

“I held your hand darling, I held it for so many hours and I was so afraid, so afraid I'd lose you.”

He rubbed his thumb over Seb's hand and a tear dropped as he welled up. Seb didn't need more explanation to know what Mark was referring to.

“I don't care about presents. You're the only thing I need.”

Mark's voice cracked and Sebastian felt awful for worrying about something so petty as gifts. He put his arms around Mark and let him bury his face in his shoulder. Seb rubbed his hand over Mark's back not saying anything for a while.

 

“Oh mein Fels. Mein Fels,” whispered Seb.

“Sorry,” sniffled Mark, still feeling overcome by the bad memories that had hit him without warning.

“No Liebling.”

All Mark wanted to do was hang on to Seb and remind himself that he was there. He slipped his arms around Seb's middle and rested the side of his head against Sebastian's. Mark closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down.

 

It took a little while until Mark lifted his head and rubbed his hands over his face. He puffed out a heavy breath.

“Sorry darling.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just... bad memories.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I'm sorry you had to go through all that.”

Mark shrugged.

“Not your fault.”

 

“I'm sorry I bothered you about presents too,” apologised Seb.

“No darling. It's nice that you want to get them. I know it matters to you.”

“It's just... I want to get you something special.”

“You're pretty special.”

Seb tipped his head to the side at Mark being so kind.

“I didn't mean to make a fuss Liebling,” he apologised again.

Mark took in another deep breath and puffed it out, calming himself.

“It's okay. Just don't go stressing out about it.”

“Okay.”

“And don't be thinking it's about you owing me anything. It doesn't work that way, alright darling?”

Mark looked at Seb seriously and Seb nodded back. He still found it pretty difficult to accept that he didn't owe Mark, but he did at least get his point that he needn't take it literally.

“'kay.”

“Okay,” echoed Mark softly.

He looked at Seb and Mark knew that no matter what he said Sebastian wasn't going to be happy until he had something to give him.

 

“Look we'll go back into town, find something,” offered Mark.

“Thank you. I just...”

Mark looked at him and knew that Seb's ideal would be to have found something perfect on his own, but it was no good him stressing himself out about it when the break was supposed to be about them relaxing and enjoying themselves. Mark lifted his hand and gave Sebastian's cheek a little stroke.

“I know you'd rather get me a surprise.”

Sebastian looked at him in the eye.

“I'd give you everything, _everything_.”

Mark huffed out a sigh. With that as his measure, no wonder Seb hadn't a hope of finding a present that satisfied him as being good enough to give.

“You already have darling.”

 

They pressed back together until they'd both settled down. Mark knew that something had changed in him. He never used to be this way, but the experience of being confronted with how fragile life could be had done something fundamental to undo him emotionally. He didn't think it was broken, but his outside shell was unmistakeably thinner now. Mark wasn't even sure he wanted that shell to build back up. That would have felt like a denial of the truth.

 

After a while Mark took in a decisive breath and sat forwards a little.

“Come on. I want to show you something.”

He took Seb's hand and pulled him up to stand over by the tree. Mark pointed at the gingerbread hanging by their little ribbons from the branch, grouped together.

“That's what you gave me.”

Seb frowned.

“The gingerbread?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“No. Well yes, but not that. You gave me a family. You are my family.”

“Mine too Liebling.”

“Yeah exactly.”

He let out another huff of a laugh and waved at the rest of the tree.

“And all this darling,” pointed out Mark. “This; A life, full of colour and fun and... just, _full._ A full life. Yes the bad things hurt more, but the good stuff is worth everything else.”

Sebastian looked up at him and slung his arms around Mark's neck to give him a hug.

“Well I didn't have any kind of life worth living before you.”

Mark squeezed him in. He wanted to tell Seb that surely wasn't so, but Mark knew Seb would argue the contrary and he knew that for far too long it had been true. He let out a sigh and slackened his hold on Seb so they could look at each other.

 

“All I want for Christmas is to be with you, to hold you close and keep you safe and make you happy,” Mark explained.

“You already do.”

“Hm?”

“Make me happy and make me feel safe, like never before,” stated Seb. “I think I must have known, somewhere inside back then, in the hospital; that you were holding my hand, even before I woke up. I don't remember much from that time, but I remember you holding my hand and when I was afraid you kept hold of me.”

Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes.

“That's what I remember; you always being there. Always.”

“Always,” echoed Mark.

“You never left me.”

“No darling. I never will.”

 

They gazed at one another for a moment, then Sebastian pushed up and wrapped his arms around a little tighter. He pressed his cheek into Mark's and clung on. Seb felt awful that he'd caused Mark to get upset. He'd been taking all the Christmas stuff too seriously. Mark was right; that wasn't what was important. He loosened his grip around Mark's neck and dropped himself back down, looking up at him.

“Why don't we go to bed Liebling?”

Mark nodded.

“We'll get up early, scoot into town again before it gets too busy and see what we can come up with together. Yes darling?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“No more stressing out, okay?”

Sebastian nodded back. No stress sounded like a very good idea.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning they were back in Oxford, circulating the shop not long after they'd opened. It was cold today, the streets still frosted and they considered it was a good job that the builders had made a decent start already when the ground would be solid, but they'd barely had time to say hello when they arrived first thing before whizzing off on their little mission. Seb hung on to Mark's arm as they walked along.

“Thank you for doing this.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“It's fine.”

 

They walked along the main streets, casting their eye over the window display when a poster caught Mark's eye and he stopped.

“Oh do you know what?”

“What?”

Mark looked at the advertisement offering shoppers the chance to 'click and collect' via the internet and nodded.

“I've thought of something.”

“Oh?”

“My laptop's pretty old. Do you fancy buying me a new one?”

Sebastian beamed at him and stood on tiptoe to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you. You'd like that?”

“Yeah. We can find a nice light one for me lugging through airports. What do say?”

“Yep let's go.”

Sebastian took his hand and lead them off to the nearest computer shop. So what if it wasn't the perfect surprise present that he'd love to have come up with? He'd been putting far too much weight on all that.

 

After they'd found one that suited, bought with remarkably little fuss once the decision was made, they called in at a couple more places picking sundry extras here and there and bought some more cards for sending. Sebastian realised that he could have brought Henry's Christmas present in, but oddly he found himself preferring the option of posting it. A little distance felt like no bad thing and it would have felt strange to just call in without going for a session. Seb didn't want to analyse things right now, he just wanted to keep things simple.

 

They headed back home while the city centre was filling up with people going in the opposite direction and were home by late morning to spend a peaceful time sat at the kitchen table, industriously wrapping presents feeling as if they were really getting things sorted. They wrote cards to their friends, to Jess & Jenson, Fernando (which Seb signed even though it felt a strange to do so) to their team-mates and to Lewis who had sent them a card himself with a picture of Roscoe and Coco sat wearing Santa hats, not looking too impressed at the situation. Sebastian laughed and petted Shadow by his side.

“We wouldn't do that to you would we?”

Mark shook his head.

“Never speak to us again,” he smiled.

Simba barked at him and Mark ruffled his fur.

“No. That's okay, you're safe. No dressing up.”

Sebastian had tried to think of presents to send with them, but that seemed an impossible ask and he was done worrying about such things, so they merely wrote little thank you notes for all their support through the year. There weren't many words, but they were heartfelt.

 

After lunch they went for a ride to clear their heads, Seb taking with him a bag slung over his back filled with the cards that needed posting if they were to arrive in time.

By the time they got back and showered, the builders were done for the day, knocking on the door to say goodbye whilst Seb and Mark made themselves a pot of tea. Mark gave them a wave through the kitchen window while Sebastian had a word with the manager to check they were getting on okay. Only one week gone and Mark realised he'd really had no need to worry about having strangers around the place. Seb was fine with them and while they couldn't leave the dogs to run around the garden, they had at least calmed down at them being around. Maybe they were all in need of calming down? Today felt so much better. They both had to stop worrying about things that didn't matter.

  
  


 

 

 

  
  


Thursday morning they rose early again, going for a nice long run as soon as it was properly light. When they returned home from getting their coffee they found Pauline already there. After grabbing a quick shower they came back down to the kitchen to find her busily working away. She turned from wiping down the units as she heard the dogs jump up out of their baskets, smiling to see Mark and Seb greeting the animals who always seemed as happy to see them walk into a room as if they had been away for weeks.

Sebastian paused petting the dogs and glanced at Mark before addressing their housekeeper.

“So, um Pauline, we were thinking... for Christmas, what you might like?”

Pauline frowned.

“What I'd like?”

“As a present,” Seb clarified.

“Oh.” Pauline smiled and shook her head. “You don't need to be getting me anything.”

“Of course we do.”

“We want to,” added Mark.

“Well.” Pauline paused, thinking it was rude to reject a nice gesture. “I'm sure whatever you get would be lovely.”

Thus encouraged, Sebastian and Mark came closer, leaning back against the edge of the table.

“So yeah,” continued Mark. “We thought we could get you something practical, you know that would be useful for you.”

“Mm, well that would be very kind of you,” Pauline agreed.

“Do you have a sec?”

Pauline wasn't sure what this was about, but she accepted the tea that Seb made and sat at the table with them.

 

She took a sip of her tea and looked over at them.

“So did you want to discuss something?” Pauline asked, presuming it must be something to do with when they were going to be away.

The two looked at one another, then back to her.

“Yeah so about what we're going to get you,” started Seb.

“Hm? Oh. Well like I said, don't be worrying about it,” she dismissed.

“We thought maybe we might like to go visit your son in Canada.”

Their housekeeper looked nonplussed, so Mark spelt it out.

“So we could get you flights, you know, for whenever you might like to go.”

“Flights to Canada?”

“For your husband too of course,” added Seb.

Pauline stared at them.

“You can't be serious?”

Sebastian looked at her.

“Wouldn't you like to go visit? I thought you'd not been for a while.”

“But, well yes, but...”

“We could sort the tickets all out for you so you wouldn't have to deal with that.”

Pauline shook her head.

“I can't possibly ask you for that.”

Mark laughed.

“You're not asking. We're asking.”

“Oh but that's far too big a present. I thought you might mean, well... I don't know, something for the kitchen.”

“We didn't mean anything _that_ practical,” emphasised Mark.

“You do so much for us,” Seb added. “We'd like to repay you just a little bit.”

Pauline laughed and shook her head again.

“You _actually_ pay me dear.”

“Not all that much.”

“More than enough.”

“And you look after the dogs all the time,” Seb noted.

“You look after _us_ ,” Mark said firmly. “We'd like to look after you a little bit. You deserve a break, to do something nice.”

“Well...”

“I mean if you'd prefer something else?”

“No no, I mean Canada is a lovely idea, but surely...”

Sebastian leaned in a little over his mug of tea.

“Really Pauline. We'd be lost without you. You're always there for us, looking after the dogs, even looking after my mum when she was here.”

“Oh Seb, that's not part of my job. I just do that... because, well...”

“Because you're an angel.”

Pauline laughed, but Seb looked so sincere. She thought he was the one who looked more angelic.

“We'd like to do it,” repeated Mark. “If you'd like to go of course.”

“Well...”

Pauline was weakening.

“Would you like to go for Christmas?” wondered Seb. “I'm sure we could still find tickets.”

“You're away over Christmas. I'm minding the dogs,” pointed out Pauline.

Mark shook his head.

“Don't be worrying about us. It's only a few days, the dogs could go to kennels.”

Pauline didn't think the dogs would be too wild about doing that, but it was kind of them to offer.

“They're at his wife's parents for Christmas anyway.”

“New Year maybe then?” tried Mark. “Or whenever you like, later in the year maybe.”

 

Pauline took a sip of her tea and looked at the pair sat opposite her. She knew they weren't short of a bob or two, but that really wasn't the point. Then again they did seem to have made their mind up.

“Well... I suppose I could ring Tom and see if they're free over New Year. You're back then aren't you?”

“We are.”

“I'd have to talk to my husband.”

“Of course, but in principle?”

Pauline sighed and shook her head.

“You boys are far too generous.”

“I'm sure it includes lots of missed birthday and Christmas gifts over the years,” argued Mark.

“Have you not got anything planned for New Year?” asked Pauline.

“Nope.”

“We're just going to be home,” added Seb. “So if that's what you're thinking of we'll be fine. You deserve a holiday. We'd like to be able to give it to you.”

Pauline could see Sebastian was giving her his most appealing expression. How was she supposed to stand up to that?

“Go on then. I'll talk to Henry and check with Tom, see what the lie of the land is.”

“Excellent,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian sat back in his chair and drank his tea, feeling as though they had achieved something. If he wasn't getting to really spoil Mark then at least one person was getting the what they deserved.

 

 

Late in the afternoon Mark received a text from their housekeeper saying that her husband agreed that they were far too generous, but if they were sure then New Year did seem to work. He rang her back and jotted down some potential dates so they could get on it the following day. Pauline was owed a treat and he was sure he and Seb could manage for a little while on their own.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


  
  


Seb made his visit to the factory on Friday. Although it was the Christmas break for drivers, most of the team were already busy working away on preparations for the 2016 car. He knew that the majority would at least be taking a fortnight off for Christmas, so he'd arranged to come in today as it was the last day he could catch them all. Britta was away on a well-earned vacation, but otherwise the place was fairly buzzing.

There was a nice atmosphere with people looking forward to some time off with their families. Even the engineers' room which was usually a hive of industrious concentration had jaunty tinsel wrapped around the computer screen and as Sebastian went round handing out cards and little presents he was glad he had come as well as asking for a few bits and pieces of cast-off little parts he could give his brother and newly acquired nephew as extra presents.

Mark was upstairs hanging out chatting to Christian and Adrian while he let him get on, not wanting it to seem as if he had to hold Seb's hand the whole time.

By the time Sebastian made his way down to the mechanics' bay he found the radio playing Christmas tunes and half the guys wearing Santa hats which Seb thought hilarious when they were busy working on the car, trying out new parts and generally behaving as normal.

 

Mike opened his card and thanked Seb.

“You're looking well anyway.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian wondered how he had looked to them at the end of the last race. Not great he suspected.

“We've been out staying with Mark's parents.”

“Yeah you said before you left.”

“Did I? Sorry. Not sure where my head was at in Abu Dhabi,” Seb apologised.

“Nah don't worry. Think we were all waiting for the end of the season,” dismissed Mike.

Steve was shaking the small wrapped box Sebastian had given him.

“Oh um, I wouldn't do that,” advised Sebastian.

The mechanic immediately halted and looked at it.

“What is it?”

One of the other mechanics patted his arm and looked at his colleague patronisingly.

“That's sort of the point of wrapping it.”

“Can we open them now?” he asked Sebastian.

Seb wanted to laugh at them checking, as if he was their mother giving approval. He shrugged and nodded.

“Sure.”

There was a rustle of paper as the group unwrapped their gifts, opening the boxes to find each had another smaller box inside, within which was a rather nice watch.

“I hope it's okay. I know it's not very imaginative to get you all the same, but...”

“You're kidding,” interrupted Mike. “This is really very generous.”

The sentiment was echoed by the others. Sebastian hardly knew how to reply other than to shrug and dismiss it.

One of the men suddenly remembered and went over to the side where there was a larger item wrapped to bring it over.

“This is for you from us.”

Sebastian took the gift. It was fairly large and square, but not deep.

“You going to open it then?” prompted Dave.

Sebastian discarded paper to get inside to see what it was. There was a plain cardboard box below the gift-wrap, perhaps fourteen inches square. He opened it and gazed at what was inside.

“Wow.”

“It's something for the house, for Mark too really.”

Seb looked out at the group gathered round, all looking at him anticipating his reaction. He looked back and smiled.

“We made it out of old parts,” explained Steve.

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's beautiful. Really. You made it?”

“Yeah, in our spare time obviously, don't be getting us in shtuck with the boss.”

Seb laughed and nodded.

“Course not.”

 

Sebastian gazed at their gift: It was a clock made from various little pieces of discarded parts from the car. Polished chrome and steel, all perfectly fitted together, the clockwork mechanism exposed to show how it worked. Everything set on a large flat metal disc with the numerals round the circular edge engraved with care. Seb gingerly touched one of the hands and felt how delicate it was. Each of the hands for hours, minutes and seconds were slightly different shades of metal, all burnished to a high degree. He stared at it, trying to work out where all the recovered components must have come from when they were used in the car; tiny cogs inter-locking, screws and bolts all immaculate and shining from scrupulous cleaning and polishing.

He smiled at them.

“Well this is going in our kitchen.”

“You like it then?”

“It's incredible. Really guys, thank you. Mark's going to love this.”

He looked back and saw how pleased with themselves they all appeared.

“You know I wanted to say thank you for everything this year,” added Seb. “I know it's been pretty crazy at times and we've had some tough patches, but you've really been great. I don't know how I'd have got through it without all your hard work and support.”

His mechanics looked back at him. All thinking that Seb referring to the fact he had nearly died in the car they had built as a 'tough patch', didn't cover it. That Sebastian hadn't once brought that fact up, or even hinted at blaming them in any way meant more than they would ever find a way to express out-loud.

Several of them said thank yous back, then Mike added.

“Well we just wanted to say how glad we are you're back, you know, and going great.”

“Thanks. Hopefully next year we can build on that,” replied Sebastian.

“Absolutely. What are you doing over the holiday?”

“Oh we're going to stay with my family for Christmas. We'll be home for New Year.”

“Keeping it low-key?”

“Yeah. Wild parties aren't really our thing. What are you guys up to?” asked Sebastian, getting an array of replies mostly along the same lines.

 

After chatting for a few more minutes Seb wished them happy Christmas and made his excuses to head back up to find Mark. The guys had given him a joint card too. It was addressed 'To Seb and Mark,' and pleased Seb greatly to see them accepting them as a couple when he knew it must have been such a strange thing to get used to. They really were good guys. He showed Mark the clock and was glad to see he was equally impressed with it.

“I thought we could put it in the kitchen. What do you think Liebling?” Seb checked.

Mark nodded.

“Sounds good. I hope it works.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Of _course_ it'll work.”

Mark grinned.

“I'm only teasing darling. It's great. Really lovely that they went to such an effort for you.”

“Us.”

“Right,” agreed Mark, thinking he was pretty sure it was for Seb that they had doubtless spent a fair amount of their spare time during breaks and lunchtimes over the past weeks making this.

They popped back in to say goodbye to Adrian and Christian, each of which were equally impressed with his prized gift. Adrian particularly leaned in close to look at the workings, nodding approvingly. When Sebastian made a point of emphasising to his boss that it was built from old parts rather than things filched from the current equipment, Christian laughed and put a reassuring hand on his arm.

“It's fine Seb. They showed me the work in progress earlier in the week. They seemed very proud of it.”

“So they should be,” agreed Mark.

“You give them watches, they give you a clock.” He huffed a laugh. “You're all obsessed with timing.”

“Hmm,” agreed Seb. “Guess so. Ah well. It is cool though.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian gave the clock one last look, then fitted the lid of the box back on to protect it.

“I really appreciate it. Anyway, we should be making a move if you're ready?”

He looked to Mark who nodded acquiescence and they said their goodbyes, checking that Christian would in fact be taking time off, before heading home feeling as if Christmas really began from here.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


When Pauline came round on Tuesday Mark and Seb had already been out for a run in the cold morning air, grateful for the warmth the coffee shop in the village offered when they took their break there and exchanged best wishes for Christmas with the staff. Seb had insisted on taking a card for them which thrilled the owner no end and when their drinks arrived they were accompanied by little Christmas biscuits as a thank you. They'd had no snow yet but frost made the countryside look pretty and the village centre was decorated nicely making it look like a Christmas card itself.

When Pauline arrived she was bearing her own card for them and a large decorated tin which Mark opened to find filled with home-made mince pies.

Sebastian laughed and gave Pauline a kiss on the cheek.

“I think everyone's trying to feed me up.”

Pauline glanced at Mark thinking that was doubtless true.

“I know it's not much.”

“It's lovely. Very kind of you. So much better than anything bought,” insisted Seb.

Mark put the kettle on and they sat down with mugs of tea. The dogs pushing in for a little attention from all of them. Seb would have offered them a mince pie too if he hadn't thought that might offend Pauline.

“I'm going to take these home with me,” stated Sebastian. “You don't get these in Germany. I think Fabe's gonna love them.”

Pauline smiled.

“Well give them my best wishes, your mother especially.”

“I will.”

Mark offered round the mince pies to accompany the tea, Sebastian joking that his F1 drivers' diet was going to pot lately.

“Nonsense,” argued Pauline. “There's nothing to you, either of you.”

Mark took a bite of the little pie, each topped with a little pastry star and a dusting of icing sugar, perfectly imperfect and reminding him of his childhood.

“They're really good Pauline, thank you.”

“Really only a little something. I feel I ought to be getting you something bigger.”

“Oh you really don't need to.”

“I thought perhaps when the pool is finished I could come up with something for that?”

Mark nodded. All this gift giving could get fraught. It really didn't matter what the relative cost of things were, not to them.

 

“If you like,” he offered, “but really something home-made is very thoughtful.”

“Oh yeah,” perked up Sebastian. “Have you noticed our new addition?”

Pauline looked at him blankly so Sebastian pointed out the new clock on the kitchen wall over to the side.

“Oh my goodness, where did that come from?” smiled Pauline.

“The boys at work made it for us,” explained Seb. “Isn't it wonderful? They made it from little bits leftover from the car and whatever else they could find.”

Pauline nodded.

“Very clever. Don't suppose that's something you could buy in the shops.”

“No exactly.”

Mark put an arm around Seb and gave him a little squeeze.

“Seb's very chuffed with it, aren't you darling?”

“Yeah. I think it's that they made it really. Like you Pauline, making these. I don't think I'd know where to start.”

Pauline laughed, thinking how simple mince pies really where.

“Perhaps I should teach you to bake.”

“I'd probably incinerate them.”

“You're very precise dear. I think you'd be good at it if you put your mind to it.”

Mark smiled.

“Seb's good at anything he puts his mind to.”

“I'm sure,” agreed Pauline.

 

They drank their tea and ate their treat, Seb thinking that if he left his diet to all the women in his life he'd never be able to fit in the car, but Mark was right; Christmas didn't count. As soon as they'd finished Pauline tried to suggest that she ought to be getting on with her work but Mark and Seb wouldn't hear of it.

“It's Christmas. We just wanted to give you your present,” explained Sebastian, getting to get it. He sat back down and passed a large envelope over.

Pauline looked at it and even before opening, she shook her head.

“You really are too kind.”

“Not at all,” counted Mark.

“Are you going to open it?” prompted Sebastian.

Pauline did as requested and opened the envelope to find a large Christmas card with another smaller envelope inside with the printed tickets and all the details for their journey inside. She looked them over and then back to the couple waiting sat opposite her.

“That's all correct isn't it?” checked Mark.

“Yes dear, that's all fine. Really too kind of you.”

Her husband had been unsure whether they really ought to accept, but Pauline had told him how insistent they had been and he did know how attached to the pair she had become and how she really did do a lot for them, even if Pauline always said it was only helping out.

“And this,” added Sebastian passing her the wrapped basket of nice toiletries to spoil herself with.

“Oh _really_ , not something more?” protested Pauline.

“It's just a little thing so you have something to unwrap,” argued Seb.

Pauline shook her head, hoping it genuinely was only a little extra.

“Do you like the card?” asked Sebastian hopefully.

Pauline picked the card up to look at the picture on the front.

“Very nice.”

“It's an angel, like you.”

Pauline wanted to laugh, but Sebastian looked so sincere she didn't have the heart.

“It's lovely.”

She looked more closely at the message inside, telling her how much they appreciated her. Pauline sighed and shook her head.

“You boys are going to make me cry. You know I'd probably do all this for free.”

“Well I think that says it all doesn't it?” laughed Mark. “Come on, no work today. Do you want to see how things are progressing outside?”

  
They went out to see how things were going, Pauline noting that whilst the place did on the surface appear to have descended into something of a quagmire, there certainly was progress with the foundations all dug and a great deep hole where the swimming pool was going to go. They had a chat with the builders who explained how they were going to cover it all up that afternoon as it was their last day before they began their own break for the holidays. It was still hard to picture what it would look like when it was done, but it was good to know that they were on their way.

Pauline finally left them once they'd all gone over their plans and had their dates straight. Mark and Seb were flying out the next day, returning after Christmas on the following Monday when Pauline herself would be heading off for a couple of weeks in Canada. They parted with hugs and thanks on both side. Once alone Mark and Seb spent a quiet afternoon packing for their trip, taking a break to take tea out to the builders and offer them one of Pauline's mince pies, Seb joking that even his little brother wouldn't be able to work his way through so many.

  
  


 

 

 

By the next day when they left to head to the airport the house felt very quiet to be so empty, no vans and trucks and muddy-booted workers traipsing around now they'd finished for their own Christmas break. Seb and Mark said goodbye to the dogs, sad that they couldn't fly out with them. They made sure they had plenty of food and water and that the door to the lounge was firmly closed. As they gave them a last rub while they waited for the taxi to appear they reminded the dogs that Pauline would be round later to take them out for their second walk of the day.

“We'll just be a few days boys,” promised Seb. “Then we'll be back home and we'll have the place to ourselves.”

The dogs brushed up against him and Sebastian gave them a stroke, Mark joining in until they heard a car pull up on the drive and honk it's horn.

“Time to go darling.”

“Yep. Bye then boys. Be good. Pauline will be round later.”

They gathered up their belongings and securely locked the house, each trying to ignore the reproachful looks Shadow and Simba gave them when they left them in the kitchen. As they sat in the taxi on their way to the airport Sebastian looked to Mark.

“You know I'm sure they understand what suitcases mean.”

“Mm, spose they must by now. They're smart animals.”

“Hmm.”

Mark huffed a laugh and gave Sebastian a kiss on the cheek.

“They'll be right mate. Pauline'll spoil them for a few days and then we can do the same.”

“Yeah. Think we need to clone ourselves.”

“Hm?”

“So we could be at home, in Germany and Australia for Christmas,” explained Seb.

“Ah. Yeah see you mean. Oh well. I think we've done the best we can this year doing one after the other.”

“Yeah that's true.”

  
  


 

A little while later they settled into their seats on the plane. Once they set off they did as they always did and pushed the arm-rest out of the way to sit closer. Mark huffed a little laugh as he put his arm around Seb.

“You know this time last year I was so nervous.”

“Oh you weren't really though?”

Mark laughed again.

“I really was darling.”

Seb pouted at him and Mark smiled.

“Of course if I'd know it was all part of your secret plan to seduce me I might have felt differently.”

Sebastian pulled a shocked face and Mark grinned.

“Mysterious collapsing camp-beds...”

“Oh like I planned that?” retorted Seb.

“Well...”

“Whose idea was it I climb into bed with you?” Sebastian countered.

Mark laughed again and gave Seb a little wink.

“Can you blame me? There's you looking all dishevelled and ridiculously cute in the middle of the night. What was I supposed to do?”

Sebastian smiled back and snuggled in a little closer to him.

“I think we needed a little push didn't we darling?” Mark added.

Seb reached up and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Fate.”

“Guess so,” agreed Mark.

They lapsed into happy silence. Mark wondered what had happened to that little bed when it was replaced. Perhaps they should have kept it?

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas. There's fluffiness. You're not really surprised are you?


	114. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So on we go to the second part of Christmas and New Year.  
> Tis the season of fluffiness. I think they're earned it.

 

* * *

 

 

 

The following day the pair headed out to get a bit of fresh air, leaving Seb's mother fussing over everything in the kitchen which felt like one giant oven. It felt like a good opportunity to get a bit of fresh air and space before the rest of the family descended and seeing as they had spent all of yesterday with them once they arrived. Mark and Sebastian didn't feel too guilty to go off on their own for a bit, particularly seeing as Fabian had finally allowed himself to be parted from them and gone around to a friends house for a few hours and the others weren't due until later on.

As they walked into town Mark smiled at Sebastian.

“I feel like we should have rescued your dad as well.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“He's used to it. Besides I think he secretly likes Mum bossing him about at Christmas.”

Mark huffed a laugh. Heike was definitely in charge of all things seasonal. It was clear where Seb got all that from.

“Yeah well I know how he feels,” sympathised Mark.

“Oi. I don't boss you about,” argued Seb.

“No of course not.”

“I don't.”

“No darling. It's just your thing that's all. I'm not complaining. Christmas is far more fun with you.”

Mark slipped his hand into Seb's.

“Come on. You said you were going to show me the town.”

“It's not that big.”

“Good. We won't need to freeze to death then.”

 

Sebastian laughed. It certainly was notably colder here. They made their way into the town centre, heading for the main square where the old buildings surrounded them. Sebastian pointed out the castle on the hill and Mark smiled as he surveyed the view.

“This is definitely more scenic than my home town. I feel like I've wandered into a fairy-tale.”

Seb shrugged.

“Guess you don't notice when you're younger. Do you want a look around the stalls?”

Mark glanced over at the little Christmas market set around the square.

“Sure.”

“They have a really big one earlier in the month,” Seb explained. “I think this is just an extra for Christmas Eve.”

They stopped to look at the large Christmas tree over to one side, Mark laughing that it was only giving Seb impractical ideas.

“I used to make Mum and Dad bring me to come and look at it when I was little.”

Mark huffed a laugh at seeing Sebastian's childhood inspiration.

“Bit big for our house though darling.”

“I know. It's just nice that's all.”

“It is. Very nice. Right then, you going to show me round?”

Sebastian dragged his attention away from the tree and took Mark over to the collection of stalls.

 

They wandered around the little market, Sebastian picking up some sweets to take back for later and enjoying explaining to Mark what all the German specialities on offer were. They were bundled up against the freezing air in warm coats, hats and scarves, hands only not in gloves because they preferred to hold onto one another. As they spoke they could see their own breath and Mark was sure that the weather was getting colder as the afternoon wore on. He was about to suggest that they went back around to where they had spotted a stall selling glühwein when Mark turned to look whereabouts he remembered seeing it. He smiled and leaned in to Seb as they slowly strolled along.

“I think you're the Pied Piper.”

“Huh?”

Sebastian frowned, then looked behind him. A group of small boys were trailing them, trying very badly to look casual about it. As the pair stopped and Seb turned to look at them, the group looked caught out, not knowing what to do with themselves, and Sebastian couldn't help laughing. He glanced at Mark then stepped in closer to them.

“Hello.”

The group looked to the eldest boy who couldn't be more than eleven and Mark was reminded of his nephew and how thrilled he had been to meet Seb. The others took half a step back and the boy swallowed before daring to speak up.

“You're Sebastian Vettel aren't you?”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Fraid so.”

“Can I get your autograph?”

“Um, sure. What am I autographing?”

“Erm.”

The boy turned to the others, clearly not having planned this far. One of the boys leaned in and they started whispering before he turned back.

“You could sign my coat.”

“I don't think your mum would be too happy about that,” noted Seb.

“My shirt then?”

“Yeah okay. Have you got a pen?”

“Oh.”

The boy looked at the others again who all shook their heads.

“Me either.” Seb looked to Mark. “You?”

“Nope.”

Mark looked at the array of crestfallen little faces and smiled, knowing they couldn't disappoint them.

“Hang on.”

He stepped over to the nearest stall and asked if they might lend them a pen and returned to hand it over to Sebastian. The boys were all undoing their outer layers and crowding round. Seb smiled at Mark.

“Lord knows what this must look like.”

They had attracted more than a few stares so Sebastian signed the shirts quickly, hoping that other people wouldn't come over as well.

“Where are your parents?” he asked the ring leader.

“Shopping.”

“So they're around here?”

“Yeah somewhere.”

Sebastian had got to the last boy, squiggling an approximation of his signature on the top part of his t-shirt in marker pen.

“Alright?” he checked.

The littlest boy nodded dumbly and Sebastian smiled at the wide eyes he was getting, thinking how excited he had been to achieve getting driver autographs when he'd been young. The first boy whispered in the little one's ear and he finally piped up.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“He's my little brother,” explained the older one.

“Ah I see. Well make sure you look after him.”

“I do.”

“Good. Well you should all go back and find your parents,” advised Sebastian.

 

The boys ran away to show off their prizes and Seb gave the pen back to the stall holder with thanks. As he turned back to Mark, Seb pointed out that he should have offered to sign too.

“Nah. They wanted you sweetheart. You're the home-town hero.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes but Mark nodded insistently.

“You are. I see people looking.”

“Are they?”

“Yeah. It's just most adults aren't as honest about it as kids.”

Sebastian took his hand and they walked further on.

“Of course they could just have been a hardened gang of pickpockets,” joked Mark. “Very Dickensian for Christmas.”

Sebastian couldn't stop his hand going to check his wallet, but it was still safely in place. He huffed and shook his head at Mark.

“They're just kids.”

“Yeah I know. I'm only teasing sweetheart. You've very good with them.”

Sebastian shrugged. It would have felt cruel to say no.

“You want to warm up?” he asked.

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“Could use it. You fancy some of that glühwein or shall we head back?”

“Hmm, let's have a drink,” decided Sebastian.

“Righto.”

 

They stood sipping the warm mulled wine from chunky traditional mugs, stood at the edge of the overhanging wooden roof of the little hut that was doing a roaring trade in the late afternoon. They both noticed the looks they occasionally got, but Mark was right, while they were off duty all the adults were too polite to ask anything of them. Seb leaned into Mark's side as they drank, feeling it warm his insides. Mark smiled at him and put his arm around him. He was just about to say something about heading back as it was getting darker when Sebastian's attention swung out and his face lit up.

“It's snowing!”

Mark grinned and gave him a squeeze.

“Yeah.”

Mark looked out at the falling snow. They were only small flakes, but combined with the picturesque surroundings and all the little Christmas lights around the square switched on now it had turned four pm, it really was starting to look quite magical.

Sebastian sighed and Mark looked back to him, thinking how wonderful it was that such little things made Seb so happy. They stood watching the snow gently falling for a while longer then realising that it really was getting dark now, Mark suggested heading back.

 

They walked along the side streets making their way back to Seb's parents' house in the falling dark. The flakes of snow seemed suspended in the air as the walked along hand in hand, everything lit up by the haze of street-lights as they passed.

“Not sure it'll stick,” commented Sebastian, thinking that whilst it felt cold it probably wasn't much below zero.

“No? Oh well, looks pretty.”

“Yeah, it's perfect really.”

“Mmm,” smiled Mark, thinking the weather wasn't the only thing that was perfect.

  


As soon as they walked through the front door they were pounced on by Seb's younger brother who asked where they'd been so long when he'd been home for ages waiting for them to get back and by Heike who fussed over them getting cold. She insisted on them sitting in the kitchen drinking tea while Fabian was given jobs to help her preparing the food. All offers both Seb and Mark made to help were turned down, but it was a nice bustling atmosphere, Seb's mother working away while his brother kept swinging by the table slancing yet more mince pies from the tin sat there.

Eventually they found themselves too warm with the oven and hob constantly on, so they went upstairs to their room and changed into thinner jumpers, Mark putting on the one Sebastian had bought him for his birthday. They stood side by side at the bedroom window looking out at the snow falling in the dark until they were called down by Norbert calling out that one of Seb's sisters had arrived. Sebastian lifted his head from where it rested on Mark's shoulder and stroked a hand over his front.

“I like that this is soft,” Seb commented.

Mark smiled.

“Well you got it for me sweetheart.”

“Mm.”

“Come on, family calls.”

“Literally,” smiled Sebastian.

 

They went down to greet Melanie and were shortly later joined by Stefanie and Jan. Sebastian shook his head at his oldest sister.

“Oh my god you're getting huge!”

“ _Seb_.” Mark shook his head and gave him a mock bat on the arm to tell him off. “Honestly. You're looking very well Stef,” he added more politely.

Stefanie laughed and pretended to narrow her eyes at her brother.

“Thank you Mark. Actually I think I am looking pretty huge, but there you go.”

“Sorry,” apologised Seb. “You look fine, good I mean.”

“You look nearly seven months pregnant, which is what you are,” stated Heike firmly.

Jan put his arm around Stef.

“Well I think you look beautiful,” he reminded his partner.

Stefanie smiled and her mother smiled too.

“Right. You have a sit down dear. Fabian will take your bags up.”

“Will I?” coughed Fabian.

“Yes you will,” confirmed his father and Fabian huffed and got up to do as he was told.

 

It felt as though he was everyone's lackey at the moment, but as he saw the grateful way his sister sat down on the sofa Fabian kept his mouth shut and went to look for the bags left in the hall. He turned and saw his brother and Mark behind him.

“Hand us that Fabe,” offered Mark holding his hand out to take one of the cases.

“Oh, umm, no it's okay.”

“Nah we'll help.”

Mark took the bag and Seb joined him to help ferry all the things upstairs, taking Mel's belongings too seeing as it was there. When they came back down they found more tea being distributed, Seb and Mark they took up one of the sofas together with Fabian crammed in alongside them as ever. Melanie and Jan were sharing woes of driving in the snow and complaining about the traffic they'd encountered.

Mel glanced over to her brother.

“Pretty ropey out there now, think I should have asked you to drive.”

Sebastian looked back, thinking how rarely his sister usually complimented him.

“Imagine doing grand prix in the snow?” suggested Fabian sounding thrilled at the idea.

“Ha, yeah that'd be fun,” Seb agreed.

Mark shook his head looking less unenthusiastic.

“Don't fancy it?” asked Jan.

“I don't think I could take it,” Mark admitted.

Fabian sat up a little to look over at him past his brother on the sofa.

“I'm sure you'd be good in the snow.”

Mark smiled at him.

“I meant watching Seb. Bad enough in the rain. Think I'd be a nervous wreck.”

“So would I,” concurred Heike.

“Maybe not such a good idea,” noted Melanie looking to her youngest brother.

Fabian sat back on the sofa. He supposed they were right. He didn't really think of Mark getting nervous watching Seb, but now that he thought about it, it wasn't that surprising. Mostly Fabian just enjoyed watching his brother race, but even he was more conscious of the risks these days. He glanced over at the way Sebastian had leant just a little further into Mark.

Fabian hadn't asked either of them about what had happened a few weeks back. None of them had. His father had told him to leave the matter be unless Seb himself brought it up and for once Fabian hadn't argued with him. All he cared about was his brother being okay and Seb did look alright now, pretty much anyway. He and Mark never seemed to be parted, but Fabian wasn't unhappy to see that. It was just nice to have all the family together. Even his sisters didn't treat him like such a baby any more. When the worst had nearly happened a few months back they'd really been very kind to him, Jan too. Things were different in their family now. Fabian looked over at his eldest sister and reflected that they were soon to get even more different.

  


  


A couple of hours later they were all back in the lounge after dinner. Seb and Mark had offered to help with the tidying up but been firmly turned down and Fabian and Mel called into service instead. The two couples were sent off to the lounge to chat amongst themselves until the rest returned, Norbert bearing a tray of glühwein that he passed around. Stefanie took her glass of orange juice and sighed with resignation.

“This baby had better be grateful for all the sacrifices I'm making.”

“I don't recall any of you lot being,” joked her mother.

“We _are_ grateful,” argued Melanie.

“Hm.”

“Right, let's make a start with the presents,” prompted Norbert changing the subject. “Come on Fabian, you can be Santa Claus.”

Fabian rolled his eyes, knowing what his father meant was that he was doing all the getting up and passing out of presents, but he decided not to moan about it and set about his task.

 

They passed a convivial evening exchanging gifts and chatting while Norbert plied them with glühwein and Heike tried to get them to eat more little sweets and cakes as well working their way through Pauline's mince pies until Seb joked that Mark was going to have to help him upstairs.

“No problem darling,” smiled Mark, “I'll just put you over my shoulder.”

The two laughed and the rest of the family guessed it must be some kind of private joke they were missing. Sebastian had explained that they had left their main presents at home, but they had little extras that they'd brought with them so they had something to open. Mark smiled as he unwrapped a pile of books on subjects Seb guessed he would be interested in. He leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Very thoughtful sweetheart, thank you.”

Sebastian smiled back and Mark him handed his present in turn. Seb opening it to find a jumper similar to the one Mark was wearing, only in dark blue. He smoothed his hand over soft cashmere, then beamed up at him.

“This is lovely.”

“Show us then,” prompted his mother, so Seb held the jumper up against himself.

“Very nice,” she agreed. “Goes with your eyes.”

Melanie laughed as she saw how similar it was to the one Mark wore.

“Aw, you'll match.”

“Mel,” warned her mother.

“No it's nice. It is nice, really,” Mel justified.

Mark gave Seb a wink.

“Good job they've not got matching patterns. We'd turn into one of _those_ couples.”

The two of them laughed again and Seb's parents glanced at one another. They weren't quite sure what Mark meant by that, but as far as they were concerned they already were one of those couples.

 

Luckily everyone seemed happy enough with their presents, or at least were far too polite to say otherwise. Sebastian's family seemed to have had the same idea others had and items for the house were piling up, but Seb particularly was happy to be getting joint presents. His brother seemed pleased with his own present, especially the items Seb had got him from RedBull and Sebastian explained how he'd been asking for things from the team, telling his brother how he had sent a couple of things to Mark's nephew as well.

Fabian sat there listening, thinking how strange it was to know Mark had a nephew and nieces as old as him or nearly. When they'd arrived yesterday Fabian had spent most of the evening quizzing them on their time in Australia, fascinated with the idea of walkabout camping and wishing he could have gone with them. Mark and Seb weren't about to say that would rather have cramped their style, but when Sebastian said they really had made the most of their time, Mark had fought very hard not to laugh at the glint in his eye.

 

“Okay, this is from me,” offered Fabian, coming back over to the sofa to pass a parcel to them.

“For both of us?” asked Seb.

“Um, sort of.”

Sebastian raised his eyebrows, then laughed when he ripped open the paper and saw what was inside. Mark laughed as well and they each held up a sparkly rubber bone toy for the dogs. Everybody joined in laughing, but his mother sighed and shook her head.

“Oh Fabian, that's not for them is it?”

“It's for the dogs,” argued Fabian.

“I'm sure they'll love it,” assured Mark.

“Hmm,” muttered Heike, giving her youngest a shake of her head.

Fabian shrugged.

“They don't really need anything. Do you?”

“Nope,” agreed Mark.

“We've really got everything we need right here,” agreed Seb.

His mother nodded, thinking he was referring to pile of presents at their feet, but Mark gave Sebastian a smile, knowing that wasn't what he meant at all.

 

 

  


  


Christmas Day dawned with a bright blue sky and the light filtered through the curtains, waking Sebastian where he lay facing on the pillow towards the window. Mark was turned into him, still asleep with his back to the light. Seb wanted to wake him but he didn't. He simply lay there contentedly, appreciating the view. Mark looked different like this, all his features relaxed. Even his mother had commented that Mark seemed better and Sebastian merely nodded, not wanting to tell her what a strain the past few months had been on him. He was secretly rather glad that his mother was making almost as much fuss of Mark as she was over him. Mark deserved it.

Seb had told her how kind Mark's parents had been and Heike had nodded, then gone to fetch a card from the mantel-piece. Mark smiled as he saw the card his mum and dad had sent, commenting that he'd guessed that was why they'd asked him for their address. Sebastian wondered what it would be like for their parents to meet. He wasn't sure, but he thought they must have overlapped in the RedBull garage over the years, but that wasn't the same as being introduced as two sides of the same family now.

 

 

Mark opened his eyes slowly and reflected the smile he saw opposite him.

“Morning Liebling. Happy Christmas,” greeted Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh at him being so perky first thing.

“Happy Christmas sweetheart.”

Seb leant in to give him a quick kiss and Mark snuck his arm under Sebastian to pull him in close.

“Mmm.”

Sebastian put his arm around Mark in turn, enjoying how pleased he sounded. Mark gave him a squeeze.

“Alright?” checked Sebastian.

“Yep. Just enjoying my Christmas present,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian laughed against him and they snuggled in close, both thinking that although nice and cosy, it was something of a shame that they were back to wearing pyjamas in bed. They left it for a while, then hearing more signs of life around the house decided they might as well get up before someone decided to come and get them. Mark gave him another little kiss.

“Come on. I give your brother five minutes before he's knocking on that door asking why we aren't up.”

Sebastian sat himself up and they climbed out of bed.

“Better than Mum last year,” he noted.

“Hm?”

“Knocking on the door and us falling out.”

“Oh, ha yeah,” laughed Mark.

 

Sebastian went to the window and tweaked the curtains open to look, gasping as he saw what was outside. Mark went over and Seb pulled the curtains wider to show him.

“It's stuck!”

“Yeah. Ha, wow. Bona fide white Christmas,” agreed Mark.

He smiled at the happy way Sebastian sighed at the scene outside and stood behind him slipping his arms around Seb's waist to hold onto him while they looked out. Seb leaned his head against Mark's as he stood with his chin on Seb's shoulder.

“This is perfect.”

“Yeah,” Mark concurred.

 

They stood that way for a couple of minutes then Sebastian turned within Mark's arms and slung his own arms around Mark's neck to lift up to kiss him. They were very much enjoying the moment when they were interrupted by a hammering on the door, Seb jumped and Mark squeezed him back in with a smile. Mark turned his head to the door.

“Hello?”

“It's me.”

“Of course it is,” whispered Mark to Seb who giggled and finally stepped back slightly, both turning to the door, Mark's arm still hooked around Seb's waist as they stood together.

“Come in Fabe,” invited Sebastian.

The door swung open to show an excited looking Fabian.

“Have you seen the snow?”

Mark indicated over with his head at the open curtains.

“Oh. Right, well... I just thought I'd tell you.”

Fabian sounded rather disappointed and Mark felt bad for bursting his bubble.

“Looks great doesn't it?” he offered.

“Yeah. Have you ever had a snowy Christmas before?” asked Fabian.

Sebastian laughed.

“Fabe, Mark's lived in England for twenty years.”

“Oh. Yeah I forgot.”

“Actually I don't think I've seen that many. It's pretty cool. My family in Aus are going to be jealous.”

“Will they?”

“Well Ryan will I reckon. You like the snow then Fabe?”

Fabian nodded happily and Mark was reminded of Seb once again. He turned slightly to Sebastian.

“Tell you what sweetheart, you up for a little snowball fight later?”

“Really?” interrupted Fabian.

Mark was still looking to Seb who nodded.

“If you're on my side Liebling.”

“Course.”

Fabian frowned.

“Who's going to be on my side then?”

Sebastian smiled as his brother.

“You get Mel.”

“Hmm. I want Jan too.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Let's go ask then,” prompted Fabian.

“Breakfast first.”

“I suppose. Oh yeah actually that's why I'm here. Mum says hurry up.”

Mark laughed and shook his head at Fabian's priorities while Sebastian found hoodies to pull on so they could go down.

  


It took a couple of hours before everyone was showered and dressed and Heike's large breakfast had settled before they were outside in the snow. She'd tried to suggest that it might not be such a good idea, but not even Stef was willing to stay indoors with her, so the rest of the family wrapped up to get some fresh air and a spot of exercise to work off all the calories they were ingesting. Norbert looked at the blue sky and observed that the snow might not last, but it must have been coming down overnight as there was a good few inches on the ground.

Fabian bounced across to where his brother and Mark had wandered to take some snaps of them in the snow on Mark's phone.

“So are we really going to have a snowball fight?”

“Ask the others,” prompted Sebastian.

Fabian shot over, then came back.

“Jan says yes. You have to persuade Mel.”

They went over and talked her into it, Stef complaining once again that she was excluded. Jan offered to sit it out with her, but she shook her head.

“No no, you have fun. I'll adjudicate.”

 

They went off to collect up piles of snow, building little walls as protection. Norbert went to go and stand nearer the house with his eldest daughter while they got ready. Fabian ran over to see Mark and Sebastian.

“Are you ready?”

“Yep, if you are.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian glanced over to the house where his father and sister had wiped off the wooden garden chairs to sit on and put his hand on his brother's shoulder.

“Just be careful not to let any go over that way, yeah?”

Fabian pulled a face. He wasn't so stupid as to chuck snowballs at Stef, even if she did claim she didn't want any special treatment.

“Course not.”

“Right. Okay well yeah, go tell them to man the barricades,” instructed Seb.

“To do what?”

“Get ready for a fight,” clarified Mark.

“Oh. Sure.”

“And no ice-balls,” reminded Mark.

“I won't.”

Mark nodded at him, but he gave Fabian a firm look as he did so and Fabian wondered if he was even allowed to throw snowballs at his brother. Surely it was okay as long as they weren't packed too hard? Fabian ran back over to where his sister and Jan were amassing a pile of little snowballs.

“They're not too hard are they?”

Jan looked up from his work.

“Hm?”

“The snowballs. They're not too hard?”

“Oh.”

Fabian glanced back at the pair on the other side.

“I think we should be a bit careful with Seb. Make sure we aim for the body, not his head.”

Jan nodded and put a reassuring hand on his arm.

“It's just a bit of fun Fabe, don't worry.”

Melanie had been on the point of teasing her little brother when she noticed the way he looked back at Seb.

“He's fine now you know.”

“Mm.”

Fabian looked back at her and Mel nodded.

“Aim for the body. Sure.” Mel agreed. She huffed a little laugh. “I hope we get the same in return.”

 

“You guys ready?” shouted Mark.

Fabian turned to them and shouted back.

“Ready!”

Over on the other side Mark and Sebastian each picked up one of their snowballs ready from behind the little snow-wall they had built. Seeing as it was only about two foot tall it wasn't likely to offer much protection.

“Go!” shouted Stefanie from the side and a hail of snowballs were exchanged, most hitting them in the body or missing the mark entirely. Then one landed plumb on Seb's chin just as he was aiming one on of his own. The lightly packed snowball exploded on impact, powdery snow going in Seb's mouth and up his nose making him cough.

“Oh no. Are you alright?” checked Mark, already reaching over to wipe away the snow left on his face.

“Yeah,” spluttered Seb, still recovering from the surprise.

Mark wiped his thumb over Sebastian's chin to dry it and looked at him to be sure.

“Sorry!” yelled Fabian.

He went round their snow barricade and ran over his older brother.

“Are you okay? Sorry, that was me. You went low. I didn't mean to,” Fabian apologised.

“It's fine. No biggie. Go on. I'll get you back.”

Fabian smiled and ran off, relieved not to be in trouble.

Mark smiled at Seb and reached over to straighten up his beanie hat that had slipped slightly.

“Good to go?” Mark checked.

“Yep.”

“Right then. I think we're aiming for your little brother,” Mark smiled.

 

The battle went on, each side being more careful than they let on about how they threw their missiles, but getting in plenty of decent shots to the body while Stefanie and Norbert stood on the back step keeping something approximating a score. They kept quite warm from the combination of weak sunshine and their efforts, but eventually their woollen gloves and jeans soaked through with melted snow and the game became less fun. Mark got one from Jan landing right in the chest and Sebastian reached over to dust the snow off.

“You okay Liebling?”

“Course. Come on, one last go and we'll get them back.”

They threw a few more balls back and forth before Mark held up a hand and they called a halt to go inside to warm up, stopping by the back door as each side asked their judges what the score was. Stefanie looked to her father and they smiled.

“Umm, a draw I think,” she offered.

Jan shook his head.

“You were talking not watching,” he complained.

“Urgh,” despaired Fabian. “I'm sure we won.”

There was a tap on the kitchen window and they looked up to see Heike beckoning them back inside so they filtered in, Seb and Mark going last.

Sebastian turned to Mark.

“I'm pretty sure we won actually.”

“Course we did darling,” smiled Mark, thinking how competitive he was, no matter what the game.

 

Once inside Seb's mother shook her head unhappily at the state of most of them.

“Oh _honestly_. Aren't you cold?”

“Bit,” shrugged Sebastian.

“Big kids,” smiled his father. “Go on up and get changed all of you.”

“Lunch is in half an hour, so don't take too long,” added Heike.

They all trooped up to their various rooms and completed the less than pleasant task of peeling off cold, wet jeans to change into dry clothes. Mark had rescued his phone from his coat pocket and texted his sister the picture he had taken of them with the snow in the background when they first went outside, hoping it wouldn't wake her when it was late. They'd managed to give his family a quick ring first thing to catch them before the kids went to bed and as predicted, his nephew professed his jealousy at hearing they had snow.

MARK: Here's the proof of our snow. Hello and a late Happy Christmas from both of us.

Nothing came back and he hoped that meant Leanne had her phone on silent while she slept.

 

 

It wasn't until gone nine o'clock that evening when Mark was once again on the sofa in the lounge, recovering from yet another of Heike's seemingly endless, though delicious, meals, that his forgotten phone buzzed in his pocket.

LEANNE: Ryan says next year we have to come to you instead.

Mark huffed a laugh and showed it to Seb.

“Maybe we could ask them?” suggested Sebastian.

“Yeah maybe. Guess we'll have to see.”

Fabian looked over.

“What's that?”

“Oh just my sister saying my nephew would like a bit of snow at Christmas,” Mark explained.

“Do you miss being over there?”

Mark puffed out a breath.

“I dunno. Yes and no. I'm happy here, or at home, you know in England.” He glanced at Seb and gave him a smile. “Very happy, but I do miss Aus too.”

“It sounds like you had a nice visit,” offered Heike from the other side of the room.

“Yeah we did. Very nice.” Mark shook his head. “It's funny, only a couple of weeks ago we had to put on sunscreen and now we've got snow.”

“Well I think you look better for it, both of you,” replied Heike, thinking she was glad to see a little colour in their cheeks, her eldest son's especially. They seemed rather tired now to her eyes. Though it wasn't late Sebastian had rested his head down on Mark's shoulder and she suspected they wouldn't be up much longer. Seb was wearing that nice jumper Mark had bought him. Just as she'd said, it did bring out his blue eyes. Heike smiled to herself thinking that doubtless Mark's selection wasn't accidental.

 

Only thirty minutes later more than half of her children were flagging. Stefanie was the first to admit defeat and got to her feet with a little assistance from Jan, laughing at how ridiculous it was.

“Ach, I'm too tired to stand,” she complained. “No idea how I'm going to get on in a month or two, think I'll need a crane.”

Jan smiled and put his arm around her.

“I'll be the one with the bad back. Come on, let's go up.”

Mark turned to Sebastian.

“Shall we call it quits too?”

“Mm, yeah might as well.”

“You too Fabian,” instructed his mother.

“It's not even ten o'clock,” complained Fabian.

Mark and Sebastian were already standing. Seb turned to his brother and shrugged.

“We're going up as well.”

Fabian looked up at the two of them and saw Mark give him a little indication towards the door with his eyes. Fabian sighed and got up.

“Night then I spose.”

His parents smiled at how reluctant he sounded. Still a teenager, Fabian wasn't to know that before too long he would be only too grateful for an early night. They said goodnight to all but Mel who stayed sat where she was for another half hour before getting bored and going on up as well.

 

Finding themselves alone, Norbert turned to his wife and shook his head.

“When did they all get so sensible?”

Heike smiled.

“Not all of them. I think we should be more concerned about when Fabian started paying more attention to Seb and Mark than he does us.”

“Ah well I think that's been going on for a while,” he noted.

“Mm, I think you might be right,” she agreed. “I suppose he could have worse influences.”

“No doubt. Right, well I think I'm done as well. Shall we follow their good example?”

“Might as well.”

 

They got up and dumped the selection of abandoned mugs by the sink in the kitchen.

“How do you think Stef is looking?”

Norbert shook his head at her fretting.

“She looks fine love.”

“I think she looks tired,” worried Heike.

“Mm, well she'll be off on her leave soon enough won't she?”

“Hmm. I suppose she'll get some proper rest then.”

“She'd better,” smiled her husband. “She's not likely to get much rest by March.”

Heike tsk'd at him.

“That's not helpful,” she chided.

Norbert opened out his hands, thinking that from his experience it was only too true.

“She'll be fine love. Stef'll be fine. Seb'll be fine. You've got to stop fretting over them.”

Heike huffed unhappily thinking of the number of times she was told that when it turned out she was only too right to be worrying about her children.

 

“You said yourself that Sebastian's looking better,” argued Norbert.

“Well that's relative.”

“Ah of course it is, but better's better isn't it?”

“Hmm.”

“Come on, let's go to bed. Get some rest ourselves and make the most of having them all home for once.”

They headed upstairs for their bedroom.

“Does Mark seem different to you?”

Norbert sighed.

“Different?”

“I don't know, there's just something about him,” tried Heike.

“He seems as permanently attached to Seb as ever.”

“Of course, but... I don't know. I don't think he's really got over what happened, the accident.”

“I don't suppose he has,” concurred Norbert. “I'm not sure it's something you really get over.”

He could have pointed out that his wife certainly hadn't, but he didn't think it was likely to help and his wife looked unhappy.

“I think you just have to learn to live with it. I'm sure they'll find their own way.”

“You know that's why he hangs on to him all the time,” noted Heike.

“Yes dear. Even I've worked that much out. Now, are you going to come to bed or are you going to sit up all night worrying about every last one of them?”

Heike gave him a half smile.

“I'm not worrying about Jan.”

“Oh good. Well give it a couple of months and I'm sure you'll add him to your list.”

Norbert smiled and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek. Everyone her responsibility. No wonder she spent all her time worrying. He hoped the imminent arrival of a grandchild would cheer Heike up and not merely give her another little one to worry about.

 

  


Only a few dozen feet away Sebastian and Mark were wrapped up just as close as had been observed. Seb rubbed his nose up against Mark's to make him smile.

“A year ago,” whispered Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh and pulled Sebastian in even closer. They might be separated by the fabric of their t-shirts and pyjama bottoms, but it still felt nice to be this way.

“Yeah. Think that qualifies as one of the best nights of my life,” Mark admitted.

“Really?”

“I'm not saying a certain night shortly after wasn't better.”

Sebastian laughed against him and Mark squeezed him in.

“I was so scared,” Sebastian confessed.

“Scared?” frowned Mark. “Of here or New Year?”

“Here and New Year a bit too,” Seb admitted. “Well not _scared_ , scared, but... I don't know, nervous.”

“Of me?”

“No not you. Well yes you I suppose, but not that I didn't trust you, just... I wasn't sure what it meant. But when we were here, when we spent the night like this, I was so thrilled I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest, but it was different. We'd never been like that before and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. Do you know what I mean?”

“I think so. I was pretty thrilled myself I can tell you. But you weren't really scared were you darling?”

“No, not really scared. I don't mean that. I knew I was alright with you, of course I did. Just, I knew it was a big deal, even then, even before I was sure what it really was.”

“Yeah. Me too,” agreed Mark. “When I woke up with you I thought I was in one of my dreams for a moment.”

“Your dreams?”

“Mmm.”

Mark's smile reflected the one he saw facing him in the low light from the bedside lamp.

“You used to dream about me?” pressed Sebastian.

“Yeah. Rather too much darling. It was driving me mad.”

“Poor Liebling.”

“That's okay. My dreams came true,” Mark replied.

“Ah. So were you scared at all? Or, well, nervous?” asked Seb.

Mark thought back and huffed a little laugh.

“I was a bit nervous, but mostly about one thing.”

“Oh?”

Mark grinned wickedly and whispered in his ear, making Sebastian laugh.

“You didn't?”

“No, but it took iron will on my part I can tell you.”

Sebastian gave him a look and Mark shrugged up one shoulder.

“You're pretty irresistible sweetheart and the way you were all snuggled into me.” Mark gave a little shake of his head. “Iron will, I'm telling you.”

Sebastian laughed again and gave him a kiss.

“Don't go getting any ideas,” he cautioned. “My parents are like ten metres away.”

“Course not. Besides there's no lock on that door and your little brother would probably just wander in.”

“Oh my god Mark.”

Sebastian sighed, but Mark was too busy laughing.

“Not funny,” protested Seb.

“Pretty funny.”

“Not if it happened.”

Mark shook his head.

“No. Hence the fact it's not going to. Sadly.”

“You'll survive a couple of days.”

“Mm, just about.”

“We'll be all alone next week when we're home,” pointed out Seb. “No family about, no builders, just us and the dogs.”

“The dogs can stay downstairs,” stated Mark firmly.

“Absolutely Liebling, and we can have some nice lie-ins.”

“We can have as many lie-ins as you like darling.”

“Good.”

Mark leaned in to kiss him, then pulled away before they got too involved.

“Sleep?”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark turned away to switch off the lamp and they settled down to sleep as close as they had been a year ago despite the far larger space available in this new bed, but no hearts pounded nervously now, they merely slowed steadily until Mark and Seb comfortably dropped off, thankfully not onto the hard floor this time.

  


  


  


Mark woke first in the morning, as he had a year ago, Seb pressed in tight just as he had been then too only this time facing him, Seb's cheek resting softly on the pillow, his arm still kept Mark's middle. Mark smiled at him in the faint light leaking through the closed curtains, thinking Sebastian looked just as beautiful now as he had then. It did feel like an anniversary of sorts. Mark puffed out a little breath as he thought how much had happened in that year. If he'd known what was coming back then Mark didn't think there was any way he could have coped with the knowledge. A year ago was the first time they had woken up together with it not being the result of something terrible, instead there had only been uncertainty. Now there was neither and no matter what difficulties they had traversed or what they had in future, Mark was grateful for that.

Sebastian let out a little breath and Mark raised his hand from where it sat on Seb's waist to gently stroke it down his nose. He'd thought Seb was asleep, but as he did so Sebastian smiled, his eyes still closed.

Mark huffed a laugh and pressed in to give him a little kiss.

“Morning darling.”

Sebastian opened his eyes.

“Morning Liebling.”

Mark stroked his cheek thinking how gorgeous Seb looked when he was all sleepy.

“What time is it?” wondered Seb.

“Dunno. Quiet yet.”

“Mm.”

“Someone'll come find us when we need to get up.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“ _Someone_.”

“Yeah.”

Mark put his arm back around Seb and pulled him in tighter. Sebastian tipped his head up to look at him as he rested it on Mark's shoulder.

“Is this what you found so distracting a year ago Liebling?”

Mark chuckled and gave Sebastian's side a tickle to tease him back.

“Something like this yes.”

Sebastian wriggled against him before Mark gave up tickling and they settled down.

Mark sighed, “see how distracting you are? You're going to get me into trouble.”

“Oh?” grinned Sebastian.

“Yes. So you behave. I'm very easily led astray.”

“Am I a bad influence?”

“Absolutely terrible darling.”

Sebastian smiled happily at him and stretched up to kiss him, both settling happily into it, and snuggling in close under the warm duvet, neither noticing the level of noise in the house rising outside until there was a knock on the door and Sebastian pulled away with a sigh.

“Yes?”

“Are you up?” came a familiar voice.

Mark grinned and whispered into Seb's ear.

“Very nearly was at that rate,” he teased.

“Shhh.”

Sebastian pushed a silently laughing Mark away and sat up in bed, Mark reluctantly copying.

 

“Come in Fabe,” Sebastian beckoned.

Fabian opened the door to see them sat in bed together.

“You two are so lazy. Mum's making breakfast already and Dad says do you fancy having a walk up to the castle this morning to show Mark?”

“Oh, um sure. Give us a couple of minutes, yeah?”

“Yeah okay. Hurry up though.”

Fabian left them to it and Mark shook his head.

“That's us told.”

Sebastian laughed and shrugged.

“Sounds like our day is planned already.”

“Does indeed,” agreed Mark. “Guess we'd better get a shuffle on. I think a walk out sounds a good idea.”

 

By mid-morning the whole family were climbing up the hill to walk around the castle overlooking the town centre. They were making slow progress due to Stefanie refusing to stay home as her mother wished. Fabian had in fact made it up and down several times while he waited impatiently for the rest to catch him up and following the third time he'd done this Norbert had indicated to Mark and Seb and they had gone on ahead with him to the summit so Fabian could walk them around, showing off to Mark with all he knew about the place from studies he had done in school. As they followed him around the walls Mark leaned in to Seb just after Fabian completed another piece of fascinating information.

“Bet you didn't know that, did you darling?” he teased quietly.

Sebastian giggled and shook his head.

“I think Fabian's forgotten I had most of the same teachers as him. I think he did the identical local history project with Herr Rauch I did.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a wink.

“Ah well, don't tell him. Let him enjoy himself.”

Fabian turned around from where he'd been pointing up at a tower.

“What was that?”

“Nothing Fabe. When did you say they rebuilt this bit?” asked Mark.

Sebastian smiled at him and leaned a little more into his arm as they walked along listening to Fabian's running commentary.

“It was damaged in the Thirty Years War, so...”

 

Fabian continued his guided tour, only turning to walk back around to the front when Sebastian pointed out that the others were bound to be at the top by now. There were still patches of snow up here though there was less below as most of it had sadly melted and no more had fallen, but as they stood looking out over the town centre there was still enough caught on the steep roofs below to make it look scenic. Mark pulled out his phone to take some more pictures to send to his family in Australia, commenting to the Vettels that he'd honestly never imagined spending a Christmas somewhere like this when he was younger.

“You like it though?” checked Fabian.

“Absolutely mate. It's like being inside a Christmas card.”

Sebastian smiled at him and Mark shrugged.

“It really is. Right then Fabe, shall we pick up where we left off?”

“Oh?” enquired Norbert.

“Fabe's giving Mark the tour,” explained Seb.

“Ah,” smiled his father. “Well lead on Fabian.”

 

They went on around, Fabian still managing to lead Mark and Sebastian a little further on so he could talk to them without his sisters smiling at him in that way he knew meant they thought it was funny. Jan was alright, but he was paying more attention to Stef than their surroundings and he knew his parents had been here far too often to be interested. Only Seb and Mark were really listening to him and Fabian was sure that Mark at least was pretty impressed. Even if he lived in England now Fabian didn't think they had anything like this on their doorstep and almost everything was new in Australia. His brother had described the vast open spaces and Fabian found that hard to imagine. It sounded cool though. Maybe he'd go there one day?

 

After lunch Fabian suggested having a gaming tournament as they had last year, but Jan was rather less keen to abandon his partner so Norbert found a pack of cards and they ended up playing with those instead, Heike only half playing as she went back and forth insisting on making hot drinks and looking to prepare yet another meal for all the family. The time passed far quickly and before they knew it night was falling again. As they settled into spending their time here Mark and Seb grew accustomed to the routine; the lively family meals and the evenings spent gathered in the lounge sipping unending supplies of Norbert's glühwein which Fabian insisted he was absolutely old enough to be drinking full-strength these days despite the fact it tended to make him either dozy or giggly within an hour resulting in his mother sending him to bed far earlier than he thought justified.

  


  


On the Sunday they took another walk out in the opposite direction to the day before. Sebastian walked along holding onto Mark's arm.

“I miss the dogs,” Seb admitted.

“Mm, me too. Ah well we'll see them tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah. God, I nearly forgot.”

“Are you wanting to stay longer?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian looked out to his parents walking a little way ahead. He knew they'd like it if they stayed, but that wasn't the plan.

“No it's okay. It'll be nice to be home and have a little quiet time, just the two of us.”

“Yeah.” Mark gave him a little wink. “We'll do some nice things to make the most of it.”

Sebastian laughed and leaned in closer to him. Hearing them laughing Fabian caught up from where his sister had been talking to him.

“What are you talking about?”

Mark glanced at Seb and hid a smile at his brother's inability to allow himself to feel he was missing out on anything. It would certainly feel quiet to be home without their shadow.

“Just about missing the dogs,” explained Seb.

“Oh right. Yeah they'd like this. Is Pauline looking after them?”

“Yep.”

 

“Do you think they'll like my present?”

Mark chuckled at how the dogs were the one to get a Christmas gift rather than them, but he didn't mind.

“I'm sure they will mate.”

“Cool. So yeah I was thinking,” continued Fabian, “do you think I could come stay again some time?”

Sebastian smiled at Mark and gave him a look to check before nodding.

“Sure. Sometime. I don't really know when.”

“We'll work it out though,” added Mark, seeing Fabian look a little put out at the vague answer.

“And I was thinking, maybe I could come to another race sometime?” added Fabian hopefully.

“Maybe,” agreed Sebastian. “It really depends on dates with school and stuff.”

“Yeah okay,” accepted Fabian, thinking he'd have no problem missing some school to go to a race. His mother on the other hand, he suspected might have a different opinion on the matter.

Fabian was walking along in the road where the pavement was too narrow for all three of them and some sort of sixth sense caused his mother to turn around and tell him off for it. Before long Stefanie admitted she was tired and she and Jan and Heike turned around leaving the rest to go a while before heading back themselves.

  


As they sat around in the afternoon once more drinking coffee and half-heartedly picking at the stollen cake that had been handed around, Sebastian realised with something close to shock that this visit was actually the longest he had spent with his family in years. It was still less than a week, but usually he was dashing in and off again before Sebastian had barely had time to catch his breath. It was something of a privilege to get to the stage where he was almost bored with it. Today was their final day though so he was determined to make the most of it, talking with his sisters and coming up with a plan that they would sort out dinner that night and actually give their mother a break for once.

Heike naturally protested, but when they agreed to merely assemble something from all the leftovers filling up the fridge she relented. It turned out to be more fun when all of them took over the kitchen while Heike took a well-earned sit down in the lounge, making up salads and ways to use up what was in the fridge to put it all together. Fabian found himself ferrying everything through to the dining room, but oddly enough he didn't seem to mind so much when Mark and Seb were helping as well. By the time Heike and Norbert came through to the dining room to eat they confessed themselves impressed and spent half of the meal saying how sad they would be when everyone left and the house was quiet again.

Fabian pulled a face at that comment.

“Um, _hello_?”

“Yes Fabian we know you'll still be here,” allowed his father sardonically.

  


Fabian huffed and gave the rest a look to show how under-appreciated he was. It was sort of a joke and it sort of wasn't. Fabian often thought he got a raw deal in the family stakes. As they were clearing up later he finally snatched a word with his brother in a rare moment when Mark wasn't by his side. Fabian stopped him in the hallway as Seb was carrying spare glasses through to the kitchen.

“Seb.”

“Mm?”

Fabian paused, unsure what he really wanted to say.

“I can come and stay can't I?”

Sebastian felt bad at how anxious his brother sounded.

“Of course you can. I wasn't saying no. It's just a matter of finding time when we're home from races and you're off school.”

“I could just come for a weekend?”

“Yeah maybe. We'll ask Mum.”

Fabian nodded, then looked at his brother.

“It's rubbish being the youngest,” he complained.

Sebastian laughed but stopped when he saw how Fabian pouted.

“Ah sorry Fabe.”

“It is though. It sucks. It's like being an only child when you're all so much older than me.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Yeah. I wish we were a bit closer in age too.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah.”

Fabian squished his face from side to side. “Yeah, well anyway.”

“Look Mark and I will try and come visit some time soon again,” Sebastian promised.

“Will you?”

“Yeah. Not sure when, but we'll find a time we can come for a weekend or something. In February maybe if I can fit it in around work.”

“'kay.”

“And we'll be over when Stef has the baby.”

Fabian coughed a laugh.

“God that's so weird to think about.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah well I'm not planning on thinking about the details.”

Fabian pulled a face and Seb laughed.

“Yeah exactly. Imagine how she feels?” noted Seb.

“I'd rather not.”

“Mm. Anyway will be nice though, cute little baby,” smiled Sebastian.

“Doesn't seem real.”

“No, but it will. You'll love being an uncle,” insisted Seb. “I'm looking forward to it.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah. It was nice when we were out in Australia visiting Mark's family. He's really good with his nephew and nieces.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

Right on cue Mark appeared in the kitchen doorway, coming to see where Seb was. He came down the hall to them and took a few of the glasses Sebastian was hanging onto from him.

“There you are. I thought you'd got lost,” joked Mark.

“Fabe was just asking about when we'll be around and I was saying we'd be back at some point before the season starts.”

“Right.”

“And when Stef has had the baby.”

“Course.” Mark looked to Fabian. “We'll be around mate, don't worry.”

“I wasn't.”

Mark caught Seb's eye and he guessed that wasn't entirely true.

“I was just saying how cool it is to be uncles,” added Seb.

Mark nodded.

“Absolutely. I love being an uncle.”

“Seb says you're really good with them,” reported Fabian.

Mark laughed.

“Yeah well it's not hard it it? Muck about a bit, hand 'em back to their parents when they get tired.”

“Ah no you are good though,” argued Sebastian, knowing there was more to Mark's relationship with his sister's children than that. “They really look up to you.”

“Mm, well I'm not sure about that. They're good kids though. Getting older now. It'll be nice to have a little one around, liven up family gatherings no end.”

“Yeah?” asked Fabian.

Mark smiled at him.

“You'll have to get used to not being the baby of the family anymore.”

“Can't wait,” stated Fabian firmly, making the other two laugh at how keen he sounded to lose that tag.

“Yeah. Ah well kiddo, one day you'll miss it.”

“Doubtful.”

“Mm, anyway before your mother sends out a search party shall we take these through?” prompted Mark.

“Sure,” agreed Sebastian. He paused to look at his brother again. “We'll sort dates, yeah?”

“Yeah course,” accepted Fabian, trying to sound more casual about it now Mark was there.

 

 

  


When they finally left for the airport the next day Sebastian was back to feeling bad about leaving again. His mother had dropped a couple of hints about the possibility of them extending their stay, but Seb reminded her they had to get back for the dogs and she'd relented when Heike had extracted the same promises Fabian had needed regarding when they would return. They'd exchanged the usual farewells and hugs and thanks for having them to stay, but Seb was sure they hung on to the hugs a little bit longer these days.

As they sat in the taxi to the airport Mark noticed how Seb was quiet again. He slipped his arm around him.

“Maybe we could have found a way to stay longer?”

Sebastian gave him a little shake of his head.

“No it's okay. I'll be glad to be home in a way. It's just leaving, you know?”

“Yeah. Family's important,” Mark agreed.

Sebastian leaned the side of his head down on Mark's shoulder.

“I don't know how you do it, being so far away.”

Mark gave a little shrug into him.

“Didn't have much choice.”

Sebastian looked up at him sympathetically and Mark turned his head and aimed a kiss at him.

“S'alright. Got you now don't I?”

“Yes Liebling, always.” Seb reached over and put his hand on Mark's arm. “We're family.”

“Yeah we are.”

Mark gave him a smile as he thought about that. Family. As they always should be.

  


  


  


 

They next few days at home passed as peacefully as predicted. The dogs were overjoyed to have them home again and Mark and Sebastian seemed to spend most of their time with the animals, either taking them out for long walks through the countryside or curled up at their feet in the kitchen or lounge. The weather wasn't quite as cold as in Germany much to Seb's disappointment, but they got into the habit of lighting the fire in the lounge just before it got dark in the afternoon and it made the place feel extra cosy while they settled down to watch whatever film was playing on TV.

More often than not the films largely went unwatched. They weren't important when they had the opportunity to be curled up on the sofa, losing themselves in one another instead of the plot. Just as promised, they had plenty of time for lie-ins and early nights, even if they were sometimes genuinely just that, helping them catch up on the rest that they seemed to lack through the season. It simply felt nice to truly relax with no pressures whatsoever on them. No builders outside, no rushing around sorting out presents and trips, no worrying about work or family. The only duty they had to fulfil once they got back was to ring both their families to let them know that they were home safe and send Fabian a picture of the dogs enjoying their new toys, hoping it cheered him up now he was left on his own again.

 

The first morning when they woke up at home they exchanged their main presents. Mark's was under the tree so he opened there, teasing Seb by going as if he was about to shake the large gift-wrapped box to see what it was. When Seb looked alarmed, Mark cracked up laughing.

“As if.”

Sebastian pulled a face at him.

“Are you going to open it then?”

“Absolutely,” replied Mark more seriously.

He ripped off the gift-wrap to reveal the box with his new laptop inside. Mark acted out the perfect face of surprise, making Seb laugh.

“Oh darling, how did you guess?” grinned Mark.

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but Mark leaned in to kiss his cheek and Seb was smiling.

“Thank you sweetheart.”

“I guess at least it's something you need.”

“It is. Much lighter and no doubt faster than my old one.”

“Good. Happy Christmas Liebling.”

“Happy Christmas darling.” Mark looked at his gift for another moment, then put it to one side. “My turn.”

 

He stood up from where they were sat on the floor and offered a hand to Sebastian to lead him through to the garage, going via the drive to avoid the mud and chaos out the back. As they went in Sebastian saw something propped up towards the back, covered in a sheet with a large gold rosette attached.

Sebastian smiled at Mark and then shook his head.

“Oh my goodness. What could it be?” he asked in mock wonderment.

“Mm, you got me,” dead-panned Mark. “Socks.”

“Lovely,” agreed Sebastian, before letting go of Mark's hand to lift the cover off to 'unwrap' his present, revealing a shiny new bike to rival Mark's updated one from his birthday in the summer. He smiled at the sight of it, thinking that surprises were over-rated. Seb didn't need a gift to prove Mark loved him, but it was nice nonetheless.

“Thank you.”

“You like it?”

“Course I do Liebling.”

Sebastian gave it a good look over, then turned to Mark and gave him a kiss.

“Thank you,” he repeated.

“Maybe we can give it a try later?”

“Sure.”

“You'll probably leave me for dust now.”

Sebastian gave a tiny shake of his head. They might do short distance sprints for fun now and then, but riding off would defeat the object of them spending time together.

“No chance.”

Seb turned and put his arms around Mark's neck to give him another kiss. As he loosened his hold Mark laughed and gave him another quick peck of a kiss.

“You're the only person who can make me this happy before breakfast.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow, making Mark laugh again.

“That wasn't quite what I meant sweetheart, but yeah that too.”

“Shall we go in then?”

“Oh?”

“For _breakfast_ ,” clarified Sebastian.

“Of course. That's what I meant,” agreed Mark.

As they walked back out through the cold to return indoors and Mark slung an arm around Seb.

“You know I love your present darling, but really you're still all I need.”

Sebastian stretched up to kiss him on the cheek.

“Me too Liebling.”

Mark smiled then gave him a wink.

“Of course if we were going to take that literally you could have saved yourself the gift-wrap and just tied a bow around yourself.”

Sebastian pulled away coughing with laughter, Mark joining in. As they reached the front doorstep Seb raised an eyebrow at him.

“Just a ribbon and nothing else?”

“Well...” grinned Mark. “I'm pretty sure I'd still take my time unwrapping my present.”

“That does sound nice.”

“Does it?”

“Mmm.”

Seb gave him a cheeky smile and said nothing else as he stepped through the doorway, already wondering if there was a ribbon from the opened presents around the house he could use. That was later planned then.

 

They went through to find the dogs waiting, unimpressed at being shut in the kitchen. Sebastian made breakfast while Mark gave Shadow and Simba their own food and made a fuss of them. Mark looked up from where he was crouched on the floor to see Seb getting the Vegemite out of the cupboard to put it on his toast for him. He watched as Sebastian completed the little task so carefully, always wanting to get it just right for him so it had the perfect amount he knew Mark liked spread on. It was the sort of thing that Mark could never explain to anyone else, but it meant a lot. He got up and accepted the toast and mug of tea so they could sit at the table together. The tiniest little domestic details. That was what made for happiness. Just relaxed and being at home together. Both Seb and Mark had to admit that they weren't sure that they didn't actually enjoy this period almost more than Christmas itself, although they weren't about to tell their families that.

 

 

  


  


Though the days and indeed nights went slowly, somehow in no time they found themselves approaching New Year's Eve once more. They'd not needed to discuss their plans, both assuming correctly that they were happiest alone at home as they had been the year before.

In the late afternoon on the last day of the year they built a fire in the lounge again and ended up sat on the floor in front of the hearth-place with the dogs, playing with their new toys and enjoying themselves messing about. Miraculously these distractions plus a fair amount of vigilance on both Mark and Seb's part had ensured that the Christmas tree remained intact. As they sat there Mark smiled over at Sebastian while he played tug of war with Simba and one of his toys, the tree lights sparkling reflected in the decorations in the background.

Seb's cheeks were pink from a combination of their earlier ride out and the heat from the fire close by and his hair was all curly and fluffy from the shower they'd taken when they'd come back from their excursion. Mark found himself gazing at Seb, thinking how perfect he looked, happy and relaxed and home where he should be. The past month had done him so much good. Himself too he guessed, though Mark wasn't sure if you could see it in his own face. He noticed the wrinkles deepened around his eyes, the lines on his skin stronger these days. Seb always denied it, but Mark couldn't ignore what he saw in the mirror.

Once apon a time he could never have imagined getting so old, but then once Mark could never have imagined having a relationship like he had now. Mark knew there were many things in his life he could never have imagined, most of which he thought were good, or at least those he chose to focus on now. New Year's Eve was a time for looking to the future and he wanted that to be positive too. Mark glanced up at the little gingerbread family on the tree and smiled at that. Their own funny little family. He'd never imagined that either, but now he had it, he never wanted to let it slip away.

Sebastian smiled up at him and Mark pulled himself back from his reverie and joined in playing with the dogs again. Sometimes it really was wonderful to have nothing better to do.

 

They carried on mucking about with the dogs until they noticed that it had long fallen dark outside and they went about switching on lamps and closing curtains. Mark offered to make them a couple of mugs of tea and they wandered through to the kitchen. Seb poked his head into the fridge and looked around for what they could assemble dinner from. As he hunted about the kitchen, Seb came across the old bottle of champagne he'd brought with him last new year and held it up to Mark with a laugh.

“Hey look. Do you remember?”

Mark came over and took the somewhat dusty bottle from him to examine it. He smiled and nodded. He sighed out a breath recalling when that bottle had arrived.

“Exactly a year ago. You on my doorstep.”

“Again.”

“Yeah again,” agreed Mark.

He put the bottle down on the counter and folded his arms around Seb's back, pulling him in close.

“A year,” echoed Mark.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah. I really had no idea what was going to happen.”

“Me either. Probably best.”

“Mm.”

 

Sebastian fitted his arms around Mark's neck and smiled up at him contentedly until Mark moved in for a kiss. As they pulled apart Mark glanced over at the kitchen table and shot Sebastian a grin.

“I'm not sure the table's ever really got over what it experienced that night either.”

Seb laughed but he moved to bat at Mark's arm.

“Honestly.”

“I'm just saying darling.”

“You're hilarious,” goaded Seb.

Mark shrugged and tugged Seb back in closer around his waist.

“I mean I'm not saying I'm against the idea,” continued Mark.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“The sofa is far more comfortable.”

“True. Shall we take our tea through then?”

Sebastian laughed and nodded, wondering how much of that tea was going to get drunk. They moved apart to fetch their mugs and indicated to the dogs to accompany them back through.

 

As they sat back down on the sofa, Seb turned to Mark.

“Maybe we should put that champagne back in the fridge?”

“See if we can remember it this year?” agreed Mark. “Yeah if you like sweetheart, why not? We can open it at midnight.”

“Our anniversary.”

Mark smiled softly at him and nodded.

“Yeah. Our anniversary.”

Mark leaned in to kiss Sebastian again and Seb pulled him further down onto the couch. The mugs of tea sat on the coffee table, going cold.

  


  


After dinner they returned to the lounge to follow what Mark liked to call their 'nice boring plan,' which in truth involved little more than any other night at home. It amused Seb to think that their plan for tonight was essentially exactly the same as the one a year ago; Watch a film, sit with the dogs. No stress, good company, see the new year arrive in a low-key way and not worry about anything as pointless what they might be _expected_ to be doing. They only had each other to please. The only difference this year was the proximity in which they sat together on the sofa, although if Seb thought back, they hadn't been a million miles away from this even last year. Only the occasional straying into kisses marked a boundary and he certainly wasn't complaining about that.

Mark sat barely paying any attention to the film playing out. He was staring at Seb again, appreciating all the tiny little details that made him so beautiful, the perfections and imperfections both. He could still hardly believe he got him. A year ago it still seemed so far away and now Mark could never lose sight of the fact that only a few months back he had nearly lost him. He gave Sebastian a little squeeze and a kiss on the cheek.

Seb let out a laugh and looked back at him.

“You're staring at me again Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh back.

“Sorry darling. Can't help it.”

Sebastian stretched up to steal a kiss back.

“That's okay.”

Mark looked into those blue eyes shining in the dwindling firelight for another moment, then decided something.

Seb read something in his expression.

“What?”

“Nearly midnight. You want to get that champagne out?”

“Oh. Sure,” agreed Seb, thinking that wasn't what he'd thought Mark was about to say, not that he knew what that was, but it had seemed as though he'd been about to say something more than that.

 

They got up and fetched the champagne, Mark carrying it through and Sebastian the two glasses. They set themselves back down and put the things down on the coffee table. On the television there now played the shots of London by the River Thames as the crowds awaited the chimes of midnight from Big Ben and the fireworks display to celebrate the New Year. It struck Sebastian that a year ago they hadn't even got this far. They'd gone out to the garden in the snow. No snow this year, just cold and dark. Seb preferred to stay indoors, just here with Mark, home, the dogs, cosy and safe.

He smiled at Mark.

“Feels like much more than a year.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah it really does darling.”

Mark took Seb's hand and rubbed a thumb over the back of it, then turned his hand over and lifted it to kiss the fish at his wrist. Sebastian watched how tenderly he did it, then copied the action before leaning to kiss him on the lips instead. He closed his eyes and thought back to how it had felt back then; what a risk it had felt and how somehow deep down inside he'd known that it wasn't a risk at all. How could it be when it was Mark?

He lifted away and looked at Mark.

“You know a year ago I was a bit nervous when I kissed you.”

“I'm only glad you did sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled at him.

“I still don't really know where I got the courage, but I just had to do it. I think subconsciously I knew you could never let me down.”

“Never?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Never. You never have and I know you never will.”

 

Mark looked at him, still not one hundred percent convinced of that and Seb saw it. He leaned in closer and looked right into his eyes.

“Never. Okay?” pressed Seb.

“Okay.”

“Yes?”

“Yes. I'll always do my best anyway,” promised Mark.

“All anyone could ask.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Thanks.”

“And I'll always be there for you too Liebling,” Seb vowed.

“I know you will.”

“Thank you.”

 

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“No wonder it feels like way more than a year. All that's gone on...”

“But that's how we know we're going to be okay,” asserted Sebastian.

“Oh?”

“All we've been through and we're still here, still together, still going.”

Sebastian stroked his thumb over Mark's fish.

“Still swimming,” he smiled.

Mark smiled back and did the same on Seb's wrist.

“Still swimming.”

“If we can survive all that then we can survive anything,” declared Seb sounding certain of it.

Mark's smile widened and he nodded.

“Okay darling, I think you might be right. Maybe we've been through the fire?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian liked that analogy; their relationship was forged in fire and the steel at its centre was all the stronger for it. Seb looked at Mark and thought he was about to say something else when from the television they'd been ignoring there suddenly came a shouted countdown and then the twelve chimes were ringing out, fireworks blasting high above the massed crowds and exploding in the dark sky above the capital accompanied by cheers and oohs of delight.

 

“Happy New Year Liebling.”

“Happy New Year darling.”

While it seemed everyone else was partying at midnight, Seb and Mark buried themselves in a kiss where time meant nothing until they ran out of air. Sebastian sighed away and then gave Mark another quick peck before turning to look at the bottle on the table in front of them.

“Shall we open it then?”

“Yep. Do you want to do honours? You've got more experience of the fizzy stuff than me.”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“I'm not spraying it around the room.”

Mark laughed back.

“Ruin all your lovely decorations.”

“ _Our_ decorations,” reminded Seb.

“Our decorations,” Mark agreed. “Okay then.”

 

He picked up the bottle and carefully eased the cork up until it popped away, making the dogs bark and jump up while Seb tried to catch the overflowing champagne into the two glasses and Mark tried to aim the fizzing liquid there until they were full. They put the glasses down and Mark went to settle the dogs back at their feet, both of them giving the animals a rub to calm them.

“It's just champagne you silly things, calm down,” instructed Mark.

“Maybe we should have done it in the kitchen?” wondered Seb.

“Ah they're fine. Aren't you, you daft creatures, hmm?”

They gave them another rub then Sebastian passed Mark a glass and picked up his own to chink them gently together.

“Cheers,” said Sebastian.

“Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year.”

They each took a sip and Seb shook his head.

“Can't remember the last time I tasted champagne in such a civilised way.”

“No, well this is nice isn't it?”

“It is. Nowhere else I'd rather be.”

“Yeah me too.”

 

Mark drifted away, wondering if now was the right moment. He'd never been very good at detecting them. Sebastian was giving the dogs another rub, teasing them that they were giving him doe eyes.

“Do you want some? Is that it?” Seb asked them. “Silly things. You wouldn't like it. Would they?”

“Hm?”

“The dogs. They wouldn't like champagne,” explained Seb looking back at him.

“Oh. No.” Mark smiled down at them. “No you wouldn't like it at all.”

 

He reached out and took another gulp of champagne then turned to Sebastian who frowned a little at his decisive behaviour.

“Okay, so I wanted to talk to you about something,” Mark began.

“I think I'm getting de-ja-vu,” joked Sebastian.

“Hm? Oh, ha.”

Mark smiled as he remembered. There was a correlation there. He just had to dive in.

“No. Well actually, yes sort of,” he fumbled.

He took Seb's hand to give him courage, then nodded.

“Okay, so, yes, I wanted to talk to you about what we were saying.”

Sebastian tipped his head in a little closer, trying to understand what Mark was getting at.

“What we were saying?” Seb queried.

“About us being family.”

“Oh.”

“I want us to be family. Always.”

“We are.”

“Officially,” stated Mark definitively.

Sebastian blinked at him.

“What?”

“That's what I want to talk to you about. Making it official. I want to talk to you about getting married. Us getting married that is.”

 

Sebastian stared at him with wide eyes and Mark wondered if he'd tangled that up so badly Seb had missed what he was trying to say.

“Seb?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian felt as if all the alcohol in the champagne had gone to his head at once, but he'd only taken a tiny sip. He shook his head internally as if waking himself up, then composed himself.

“I don't think it's something you talk about,” Seb replied.

Now it was Mark's turn to frown.

“Hm?”

Seb smiled and shook his head.

“I don't think it's something you talk about. I think you have to ask me.”

Mark's jaw fell open. Somehow that wasn't the reaction he'd been expecting.

“Ask you?”

“Yeah. Propose.”

“I have to propose?” queried Mark dumbly.

He'd never imagined being in this position, so considering how it all worked had never been something Mark had thought through. Weren't they equals? What were the rules about these things?

“Me?” he checked.

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“You brought it up. So yes, you. Only if you want to of course.”

“Right.” Mark let loose a laugh. “Oh god I hadn't thought about this. You don't want me to get down on one knee do you?”

Seb laughed at how Mark didn't seem too keen at fulfilling the convention. He shook his head.

“No, but you have to do it properly. You have to ask me.”

“Right.”

 

Mark took a deep breath. Put on the spot his mind had gone completely blank. He huffed out the breath and looked at Seb who was still smiling at him, waiting.

“Oh god, I've gone all nervous now,” Mark confessed. “I don't know what to say.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Just ask. Don't be nervous.”

He leaned in closer and whispered in Mark's ear. “If it helps, I should tell you that I'm going to say yes.”

 

Mark closed his eyes for a second, feeling as though his heart had just doubled in size. He could feel Seb's breath in his ear as he whispered and the sensation fed all the way his body. By the time Seb sat back away Mark was smiling again. He took a deep breath and held Sebastian's hand in his, knowing the only thing he had to say was the simplest thing of all.

“Will you marry me?”

Sebastian face split into the widest beaming smile.

“Yes.”

Seb flung his arms around Mark's neck and kissed him so hard Mark nearly toppled backwards on the sofa. As they righted themselves they noticed that the dogs were barking at all the excitement and they paused to give them a stroke. Sebastian looked at them as they pushed in, glad of a little attention from their masters.

“We're getting married,” Seb informed Shadow and Simba happily.

Mark chuckled and gave them a rub.

“I'm not sure they get it sweetheart.”

“They do.”

Mark wasn't going to argue. The dogs did seem happy. Maybe they did know? Who was he to say? He laughed and shook his head at Sebastian.

“Oh my god we're getting married. Bloody hell.”

Sebastian laughed along with him and pressed in to wrap his arms around Mark, getting the same gesture in return. They kissed again for a little while then merely sat staring at each other.

“It just feels right doesn't it?” offered Mark.

“Yes Liebling it does. I like the idea of being official.”

“Me too.”

“Have you been thinking about this for a while?” wondered Seb.

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“I guess. I'm not sure I'd really pinned down what exactly, but yeah, family, properly being family. That feels important.”

“Yeah.”

“It feels like we should have done it a long time ago really.”

“Mm, I guess,” agreed Seb. “I suppose stuff's been going on.”

“Yeah.” Mark let out a little sigh thinking what an understatement that was. “You know back in September, back at the hospital, they didn't want to let me in. They said I wasn't family.”

“I know.”

“So I suppose, I don't know, maybe that did make me think about it, somewhere in the back of my mind, but it's not really that. I don't want anyone to ever doubt that we're family ever again, but it's not for them, it's for us.”

Sebastian nodded. He couldn't imagine what it had been like for Mark to go through that.

“It's okay Liebling. I understand.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It just feels right,” confirmed Sebastian.

Mark nodded and gave him another kiss. He huffed a laugh as he pulled away.

“Fuck. We're getting married,” Mark let out, as if the reality of it almost surprised him as it sank in.

Seb smiled.

“Well it was your idea.”

“True. I guess if our mothers get totally out of hand I've only myself to blame.”

 

Sebastian paused and then spoke up.

“Mark. Can I say something really awful?”

“Awful?” frowned Mark.

“Well no, not awful, just, I'm not sure if I should say it.”

“Of course you should say.”

“Alright... Okay so the thing is. I want to be married. I absolutely do. I really like that idea, but...” Seb glanced at Mark hoping he wasn't about to upset him and spoil things. “Okay so, the thing is I like the idea of being married, but I'm not all that about weddings.”

“Oh.”

 

Mark huffed a laugh, having worried for a moment then what Seb was about to say.

“Right. God you had me going then sweetheart. Okay, well you know a wedding's how you get married.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“No of course, I know that. I just mean all the fuss. All that stress and worrying about everything apart from the one thing that really matters. I'm just not all that sold on it. Weddings always seem to be about other people; showing off and trying to please people and...” Seb sighed. “I don't know. Is it bad to say that?”

“No.”

“You're sure?”

“No darling it's fine. I get it. I'm not fussed about having a fuss either. I just want to be married.”

“Exactly. That's what I mean.”

 

Mark nodded slowly. Just _being_ married, just being family as they should be. That was all he wanted, not worrying about the _getting_ married part. He'd do it tomorrow if he could.

“Okay then, well then that's what we'll do,” he confirmed.

“What?”

“We'll just get hitched. No fuss.” Mark laughed. “We could elope?”

“Elope?”

“It means run away to get married.”

“Ah. Okay. Well we don't have to go somewhere, but we could just get married and tell people afterwards couldn't we?” suggested Sebastian.

“Our mums might kill us,” pointed out Mark.

“Do you think they would?”

Mark mulled it over.

“Dunno. I think when it comes down to it they just want us to be happy. It would be a lot easier just to do it without having to stress out about arranging everybody coming here and a big event.”

“I don't much fancy that,” concurred Seb.

“No. me neither. Alright then. Okay, we just do it. We'll just get married and tell folk when it's a done deal.”

“No fuss.”

“No fuss,” agreed Mark.

 

Sebastian felt the tiniest of weights that had descended lift off him. He pressed into Mark with a squeeze.

“Can we do it right away?” asked Seb.

Mark smiled and rested his head against Seb where he leaned into him.

“You want to?”

“Yeah I just want to be married as soon as possible,” Sebastian confirmed.

Mark chuckled against him.

“Racing driver in no patience shocker,” he teased.

“Don't you?” checked Sebastian, turning his head slightly so he could see Mark's face.

“Absolutely darling. I'd get married right now if I could find a pastor.”

“I'm not sure it's _quite_ that simple.”

“We could always run away to Vegas?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I don't think Elvis's chapel is quite us, is it Liebling?”

“No,” smiled Mark. “Not quite. Alright so we'll just do it round here, get it sorted and bob's your uncle.”

 

Sebastian laughed at the expression teamed with Mark's no-nonsense approach. It was exactly what he wanted too.

“Sounds perfect.”

“Okay then. Well we'll get on it, see what we have to do. Can't be that complicated can it?”

“Hope not.”

“So we'll do that. Book ourselves a nice little holiday to celebrate, then come back and face the music.”

“Oh so we still get a honeymoon?”

“Damn right we get a honeymoon,” smiled Mark.

“And rings?”

“Yeah. We'll go shopping. Tomorrow if you like.”

“Yes I definitely like,” smiled Sebastian.

“Good. See how simple that was?” grinned Mark. “Don't know why people make such a drama of it all.”

 

Sebastian chuckled against him thinking how Mark had nervously stumbled over asking him.

“No drama,” agreed Seb.

For once they both hoped a part of their life could be simple, straight-forward, easy. No drama. Wouldn't that be a relief?

 

Mark lifted his glass and took a grateful sip of it, relieved at how well that had really gone. Now that he thought about it, it seemed ridiculous to have hesitated. Of course they should be married. They'd effectively been married for ages, they just needed to make it official. He puffed out a breath and smiled at Seb.

“Okay?” checked Sebastian.

“Yep, never better.”

Mark held out the champagne glass and Seb raised his own to chink against it again and they both took a celebratory sip. They gazed at one another without saying anything, merely smiling.

“Shall we go to bed?” asked Seb.

Mark nodded and leaned in to give him a kiss.

“I love you. Have I mentioned that?”

Sebastian smiled.

“I'm pretty sure you have Liebling.” He leaned over to give him a kiss back. “I love you too.”

“Good. That's alright then.”

Mark sat forwards and picked up the bottle of champagne and offered out his other hand to Seb.

“We taking that with us?” queried Sebastian.

“Yep.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him.

“Oh?”

“I've got a couple of ideas.”

“I'll bet you have,” laughed Seb. He looked to the dogs. “Off you go boys. We're going to bed and so are you.”

“They're certainly not coming with us.”

“Would they be scarred for life?” Sebastian smiled as they walked out into the hall.

“Well I think they'd be giving us some funny looks, that's for sure,” Mark agreed.

 

They closed the lounge door and shooed the dogs off into the kitchen then turned for the stairs. Sebastian took one step up then turned around to face Mark so he could kiss him again without having to stretch.

“I think I could just kiss you all night,” smiled Seb.

“You'll get no complaints from me.”

Sebastian leaned in to whisper in Mark's ear.

“All over.”

Mark grinned and waved the bottle of champagne at him.

“It's like you read my mind darling.”

Sebastian laughed and grabbed the bottle from him, tugging at Mark's hand to pull him upstairs. Not that Mark needed any encouragement. They were going to see the new year in much the same way as the one before. It was just the same, only completely different. Their whole lives were about to change again, but this time neither of them were nervous at all.

  


 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might be interested to know that most of the last section of this chapter was written last September which is pretty crazy seeing as that's fifteen months ago now. Part of my 10 pages of spoilerific notes ;)


	115. Arrangements

* * *

 

  


The very next day they went into Oxford. The city centre was still quiet in the chilly morning whilst most people slept off their hangovers from the night before. Seb and Mark thankfully had something rather better take from the evening.

 

At first they merely wandered around looking in the windows of the jewellery shops. Mark smiled to himself as he thought how they had been here shopping for presents not so long ago and wondered whether that had planted the idea in his subconscious. He saw the way Sebastian's eyes reflected the sparkle from the jewels on show, but none of the gems shone brighter than the smile on his face.

It felt odd to walk through the door to ask some random shop assistant about rings when it was meant to be a secret, but what did that matter compared to how happy Seb looked as he hung onto his arm and how proud Mark felt to have him there? Sebastian in turn didn't want to let Mark go. Standing in a jewellery shop looking for rings was genuinely a situation he had could never have imagined. He'd never have dared to dream of such a thing, but this wasn't a dream, they really were getting married. Seb could hardly believe it.

There was a strange thrill to it all; the nerves incurred telling a complete stranger that they were looking for rings when it effectively meant confiding in them that they were getting married. Mark had no idea whether they would be recognised and if they would respect their privacy. They just had to hope for the best.

Sebastian was the one to speak first when asked if they needed help, happily explaining what they they were here for. It was only when he'd said what they required that Seb saw the slight pause in the ready patter of the salesman's flow before he carefully recomposed himself and smiled and nodded, continuing as smoothly as before. Seb reminded himself that it might not be disapproval, only that they weren't used to it. He pushed that aside, determined not to let anything spoil his mood.

 

As a tray of rings were presented to them Sebastian forgot all about everything else when he saw the look at Mark's face.

“Crikey.”

Seb smiled at him.

“Alright?”

“Yep, yep, just... I hadn't thought there was so much variety,” Mark admitted.

“Oh this is merely a selection of the most popular,” contributed the salesman.

“Right.”

Sebastian laughed and patted Mark's arm. He looked to the sales assistant.

“We're really looking for something really simple aren't we?”

He glanced to Mark who nodded.

“Yeah just plain bands.”

“You want both the same?” asked the assistant.

“Yes,” they replied at the same time.

The salesman nodded, trying not to laugh at how they had done that.

“Of course, well a lot of people opt for gold, but then there's platinum gold too, and what carat you'd like and you may chose to have something engraved.”

 

Mark was reeling slightly. Wasn't a ring just a ring? He glanced about and knew the answer to his question. There were hundreds of other rings on offer in here. Those looking for something with a diamond would surely be here all day.

“No I think we definitely just want plain,” confirmed Sebastian.

“You could have something engraved on the inside?” offered the salesman.

“Oh.”

Seb looked at Mark who gave a little shrug and they ignored the man for a few moments while they had a silent conversation, then turned back to him.

“Maybe,” allowed Mark, “guess we'd need to think what we want.”

“I think we're just looking for now,” added Seb.

“Of course. No problem.”

 

They looked at a few more examples before making their excuses and leaving. As they walked down the street Mark looked around for where the next shop was.

“I think it was around the next corner.”

Sebastian gave his hand a squeeze.

“We don't have to do it all today Liebling. We can just have a think.”

Mark huffed a laugh at how accommodating Seb was being and squeezed his hand back.

“Nonsense. This is good timing, while it's quiet. We'll have a look in a couple, then head back for lunch.”

“You're sure?”

“Absolutely darling. What better way to spend New Year's Day?”

 

They braved one, then another high-end jewellers, examining seemingly endless samples of rings that frankly to Mark looked almost identical. As they walked out of the last shop Sebastian gave Mark a nod.

“I think I liked them best.”

“The rings?”

“The people.”

Mark huffed a laugh and put an arm around Seb to give him a quick half-hug.

“Righto. Fine by me. So you think gold then?”

“Yeah, but not too shiny.”

Mark nodded, almost wanting to laugh at them having a conversation he could never have imagined. Seb could have whatever he wanted. It was the symbolism, not the precise design that was important.

“Mm. I did quite like the idea of having something on the inside,” contributed Mark. “You know, so it's just for us.”

“Me too. We'll have to think what to put.”

“Yeah. Let's talk about it at home shall we? Get in the warm.”

“Sounds perfect Liebling.”

“Good.”

 

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek. They made their way back, retracing the streets to where they'd left the car. When they'd first come in the streets had been almost eerily empty in comparison to how crowded they had been only a couple of weeks back in the run-up to Christmas, but now it was late morning, more people were about as they ventured into the shops for the January sales. It felt good to be all done and heading the other way.

As they climbed into the car Seb leaned over and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

Mark shook his head.

“What for?”

“For not saying you really don't care what shade of gold or shape of ring we have at any point.”

Mark huffed a laugh thinking how well Seb read him.

He shrugged.

“We'll be wearing them for the rest of our lives. Might as well get it right.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“True.”

“Besides I should be the one thanking you.”

“What for?”

“For saying yes.”

“Ah.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I was never going to say anything else,” he noted.

“That's what I'm thankful for.”

 

They looked at one another for a moment, then Mark smiled.

“Shall we get home then?”

“Yep,” nodded Sebastian.

He turned the ignition and they set off. As they navigated their way out onto the main road Sebastian glanced over at Mark.

“I suppose I ought to be saying thank you for asking.”

Mark laughed.

“You did make me propose.”

Sebastian laughed along and shrugged.

“Is that bad?”

Mark shook his head.

“No not at all. You know I'd always do anything you asked of me.”

Seb raised an eyebrow before turning his attention back to the road ahead.

“That sounds a dangerous promise.”

“Does it? What might you be asking me for?” wondered Mark.

“Dunno. Maybe I'll think of something.”

“Something outrageous?”

Sebastian laughed.

“I'll try really hard to think of something.”

“Testing me?”

“Maybe,” teased Seb.

“Fine, go ahead.”

They drove along a little while further before Sebastian admitted defeat.

“I can't think of anything.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing you don't already give me,” Seb confirmed.

“Ah well.”

“You could make us a cup of tea when we get in?”

“That's all you want?” checked Mark.

“That's all I want right now.”

“Right then sweetheart. Your wish is my command. You put your feet up and I'll make the tea.”

“You make the best tea,” praised Seb.

“Really?”

“Yeah. When I'm away I really miss it.”

“More than me?”

Sebastian gave him a look.

“No. Obviously the tea- _maker_ is most important.”

“That's very reassuring,” accepted Mark. “Right you are then. I promise to make you tea whenever you ask for it.”

Sebastian grinned.

“Is that going in our vows?”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Oh lord do we have to decide them too? We're not going to get anything else done.”

Sebastian knew he was teasing, but he answered quite seriously.

“You know I don't care about any of that. I only care what it means.”

Mark nodded and reached over to give Seb's leg a little pat.

“I know darling. Me too. No stressing about anything.”

Seb nodded back. No stressing. That was to be their one rule. He hoped they could stick to it.

  


 

After lunch they sat at the kitchen table as it hailed outside, mugs of teas supplied by Mark while they sat at the laptop researching what they needed to do. Having never considered any of this it took a bit of digging around and Sebastian was surprised by how complicated it seemed.

“So we have to have permission to get married?”

“Seems like. It's just a formality,” assured Mark.

“Mm. Seems a bit strange.”

Mark shrugged.

“Same for everybody. Guess they have to check you're who you say you are and stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Dunno. If you're married already, that sort of thing.” Mark leaned in close to look in Sebastian's eyes. “You aren't are you?”

Sebastian laughed and pulled a face back to him.

“No,” agreed Mark. “Me neither. So we'll be fine. Just need to dig out a few documents and get an appointment at the nearest registry office.”

“Not exactly romantic.”

“Nope 'friad not.”

“Ah well. So shall I email and ask when they can fit us in?” asked Seb.

 

Mark nodded and they checked that they had the right contact for their nearest registrar to get the ball rolling.

“You've not changed your mind about it just being us have you?” checked Seb.

Mark gave a shake of his head.

“No. Least amount of fuss possible.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. I do feel a bit guilty not telling our families though.”

“Mm,” concurred Mark. “You know the minute they all get involved it stops being straight-forward.”

“I know.”

“We'll tell them after. It'll be alright.”

“They'll forgive us won't they?”

“Course they will darling. Don't be fretting. They just want us to be happy.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Besides, we're only making to formal aren't we? Nothing's really going to change.”

“Yeah, true,” agreed Seb, oddly reassured to know that. “Okay. No stressing.”

“No stressing,” agreed Mark.

 

They pottered around on the internet for a bit, researching how long it ought to take and looking at possible venues. Mark looked out of the window and saw that the weather had improved. He was about to suggest taking the dogs out for a walk while it was still light when an email pinged to announce its arrival. Seb clicked on it.

“Oh. Huh.”

Mark leaned in to look at the laptop. They hadn't been expecting any response seeing as it was New Year's Day and the nearest office was listed as being closed, but it seemed someone was there, or perhaps a workaholic, checking their emails from home, and thus they had a reply. Sebastian had mentioned that they were hoping for an appointment as soon as possible and the email replying offered them a slot mid-afternoon on the Monday.

“Guess we must have sounded keen,” noted Seb.

“Mm. Don't suppose the first day most folk go back to work is all that popular. Will you be back in time?” Mark asked, seeing as Sebastian was due at the factory for their initial pre-season team meeting in the morning.

“Um, yeah should be. If things overrun I could go straight from Milton Keynes and meet you there,” Seb offered.

“Okay that works. You want to reply and say yes then?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian typed a quick email back, then turned to Mark.

“Okay so we're sorted. Shall we take the dogs out and get some fresh air?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“That's what I was about to say.”

“Great minds,” smiled Sebastian.

Mark gave him a flick up of his eyebrows and turned to the dogs who were resting in their baskets in the corner of the room.

“Come on then boys. Walkies.”

The dogs leapt up and rushed over, making Mark and Seb laugh at how keen they were. Time to clear their heads of all organsing matters and relax.

  


 

  


Monday morning Sebastian sat at the long conference room table, listening to all the presentations and discussions about the team's preparations for the following season. It was a longer wait until testing this year as they had been reduced the number permitted to only two sessions, both in Barcelona which made it easier to plan for, so it felt though they had a long wait yet before they really had to be ready. At least that was true for Seb. He knew how much work the rest did all through the winter break.

Seb had gone down to the mechanics bays ahead of the meeting, mostly just to say hello and see how the guys were doing, and he'd fitted in a chat with people in here before they started, and Sebastian had been glad to hear that most seemed to have had a decent holiday over Christmas at least. Yesterday really had felt like the end of the holidays as they had spent the day carefully taking all their decorations down and packing them away until next year. It made Sebastian sad and although Mark had joked that they could just leave them all up, Seb knew that wasn't how it worked. The world turned, things moved on and so must they. At least they had something new and exciting to look forward to now.

That was even clearer now they were back into preparations for the new season. As usual Sebastian had offered to do whatever he could to help with developing the car, but he knew that there was only so much he could do. There was a selfish part of him that was glad that he had a bit of freedom left. Seb felt as though he had only just recovered from the last season. He wasn't ready to start worrying too much about the next one yet. Sometimes it felt like the whole F1 world was on an endless conveyor belt like that at an airport luggage collection. Mark himself had a quick trip out to Stuttgart towards the end of next week which Seb wasn't looking forwards to, but it couldn't be helped. Work was work. You had to put an effort in to get anything out.

“Sebastian?”

Seb looked up, not realising he'd drifted then as he got lost in his thoughts.

“Yes?”

“I was just asking if you and Dan have a chat about whether you have preferences for which days you take on testing?” requested Christian.

Sebastian looked over to Daniel who tried quite badly to hide his grin at Seb having drifted off.

“Oh, yeah sure,” Seb agreed, feeling somewhat like a kid caught out day-dreaming in lessons.

He busily flicked through his diary and mulled it over. Mark would come with him without any need for subterfuge this year. Sebastian smiled to himself as he thought about the fact that they should be married by then. What a contrast to the year before when their entire relationship was hidden. Then again, they were still hiding something. Seb wondered how it was things went that way with them; Too much to hide, too many secrets, but it seemed there was no other way.

  


As the meeting rolled on Seb found himself checking his watch surreptitiously, hoping things would round up soon so he could get back and have lunch before heading out to his second meeting of the day. He didn't want to be in a rush when having to go through such a formal bureaucratic procedure already felt slightly uncomfortable. It was gone twelve now and it felt as though they really had been over everything useful they could when it was still so early in the year.

Christian looked down the table and caught Sebastian looking at the time. He knew how Seb felt seeing as he had been here since early doors today preparing everything for the meeting. Christian looked at Seb and thought how improved he appeared for his break. Of course in comparison to little over a month ago, almost anything would be an improvement, but even another couple of weeks over Christmas seemed to have done him good. Adrian took a pause in his lengthy description of the finer details of his latest plans and Christian thought it was a good time to intervene.

“Thank you Adrian.”

Adrian looked up from his notes. Despite only being part-time on the project now, he still had another couple of pages of his work to explain, but he caught the look in Christian's eye and decided better of it.

“Yes, well I think that's plenty for now. Gives you an idea of where we are anyway.”

“Excellent. Does anyone have any questions?”

Christian smiled as he saw no interest from anyone in continuing the meeting any longer. Two and a half hours was more than plenty.

“Great. Well then, thank you everybody. I'm sure we're all hoping for a strong year. The work we put in now will pay dividends as we go forwards and I think it's clear we're making a good start.”

There was a murmur of thanks in response and people around the table started to shuffle papers, close laptops and clear away. Sebastian stood and walked round to his team-mate to start negotiating what days they would prefer to take for testing. They'd already exchanged pleasantries earlier so they got down to business.

 

“Hey, okay so I was thinking, would you be okay if we took days together?” began Seb. “It's just that as they're in Barcelona it's easy enough to get back and forth, so Mark and I would probably nip in and out only for when I need to be there.”

Daniel smiled.

“Fine by me mate, I'm easy.”

Sebastian had been all set to make offers and compromises, but that was forgetting his team-mate's laid-back personality.

“Oh. You're sure?”

“Yeah mate, no bother. If you've got plans I can do whenever as long as I get enough time in the car.”

“Course. Thanks. You really don't mind?”

“Nope, whatever you want. I mean we've both got to be there for the launch on the first Monday, so it'll be a long day, but I can do then if you want.”

“Ah,” Seb huffed a laugh. “Actually I was going to ask to do then. I don't mind a long day if I can get the two together.”

“Fine. Second week?”

“Um, well if we're going back and forth would you object to going first, then we've got a gap and I could take the last two days at the end of the week.”

“Sounds good,” smiled Daniel. “I might stick around in the city for the weekend, take in the sights.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking how he and Mark had spent time in Barcelona the previous year.

“Right. Great. Ha. Okay that was easy.”

Dan slapped him on the arm and laughed.

“Keep life simple, that's what I say.”

“Yeah. Thanks. We're working on it.”

Daniel nodded, making no comment on the frequency with which Sebastian referred to himself in tandem with Mark these days.

“Righto, well I'm gonna go grab a word with my guys. It's good to see you,” parted Dan.

“Yeah, you too. Guess I might bump into around here before testing.”

“No doubt. I'll ask if you're in and we can grab a coffee.”

“Sure. I'd like that. Thank you for being so flexible about testing.”

“No bother. Right well say hi to Mark for me.”

“Will do.”

 

Daniel strode off to another part of the building and Sebastian walked down to where Christian was still clearing up at the far end of the long table.

“Hey so um, Dan and I are sorted I think,” offered Seb.

Christian looked up from checking something on his laptop screen.

“Oh good.”

Sebastian explained the agreement and Christian made quick notes.

“Okay, fine. Provisionally anyway. I'll need to talk to people and make sure. Dan knows he needs to be there on the Monday anyway?”

“He does. He's fine with it.”

Christian huffed a laugh.

“That boy's so laid-back he's practically horizontal. Right, that's fine then.”

“Okay, well unless you need anything I'll be off,” stated Sebastian, not wanting to sound too anxious to flee.

“Course. Are you in a rush?”

“Oh, um I just want to get back for lunch,” dissembled Seb.

It wasn't untrue, but Sebastian didn't really want to give the full story. It wasn't that he didn't trust his boss, but to tell him without telling their own families felt wrong.

“No problem.”

“I am happy to come in whenever you need me,” offered Seb, hoping he hadn't given Christian the wrong impression.

“Sure. Nothing too soon. We need to do your seat-fitting of course.”

“Right. I was thinking late next week? Mark's away for work you see. Just for one night.”

 

Christian nodded, trying not to be too obvious about looking to see that Sebastian wasn't anxious about being left alone after what had happened last time Mark was in Stuttgart for Porsche. Nothing appeared overtly wrong with Seb, so he hoped it was all okay.

“That works.”

Christian held back from questioning whether Seb would be okay on his own. He wasn't a child and if Mark was going away he must be comfortable to leave him. Sebastian didn't sound too unhappy about it.

“You're looking well,” observed Christian.

“Oh, um thanks. I think I've probably put on weight. Two lots of mums trying to feed me up over the last few weeks.”

Christian smiled at the idea of Sebastian getting a double dose of mothering. Much needed in his opinion.

“Don't worry about it Seb. You look in fine fettle to me. You can see Antti next week can't you? I'm sure he'll have no issues.”

“Sure. I am training at home.”

Christian huffed a laugh.

“I didn't think you wouldn't. How's the building work going for your pool?”

“Oh fine. Well a bit of a tip really, but they're only just back from Christmas today and they said we should start to see some real progress soon.”

“Good. Well no doubt that will make life easier for you.”

“Yeah.”

“Right well I'll see you next week then.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian paused, then thought he'd better get this in while he could.

“Um, Christian. I'm not quite sure on dates yet, but Mark and I are thinking of going away sort of soonish. End of the month probably. Is that likely to be a problem?”

“Going to see your family?”

“Oh. Well no. Just us, just a little holiday. A week or so maybe.”

“Ah I see. Well of course. No problem. Just let me know when.”

“Thanks.”

 

Christian nodded, thinking he ought to do all he could to keep Sebastian in as good a state as possible. In his opinion having a healthy, positively-minded driver would be more beneficial than Seb slaving away putting in all hours at the factory. Just as Sebastian was about to walk away, Christian spoke again.

“Make the most of the break Seb, okay? We'll fit time for you to be here in whenever works. We've plenty of time this year.”

“Right. Thanks. I'll be off then.”

“Yeah. See you next week.”

 

 

  


Sebastian walked through the front door to be greeted by the dogs piling into him and Mark close behind, laughing at their exuberance.

“Sorry it ran on and then I had to talk to Dan and Christian,” apologised Seb.

“It's fine. We've got an hour. Quick lunch and we'll head off.”

Sebastian gave the dogs a rub as he attempted to get past them. It was always an ego boost to be met with such enthusiasm, as if he'd been away for weeks not hours. As he reached Mark, Seb stretched up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

“It's only soup. I wouldn't get that excited.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and they went through. It didn't matter what was for lunch. To come back to warm greetings and warm food meant coming home.

 

 

  


An hour later they sat waiting somewhat awkwardly outside an office in a small council building not too far away. It was about as far away from a romantic experience as it was possible to be, but they both knew it was necessary. Mark gave Sebastian's hand a little rub.

“Alright?”

“Yeah, just... I don't know why this makes me nervous,” Sebastian confessed.

“Nervous?” frowned Mark.

“No, just... I don't know, being checked up on. It feels weird.”

“It's just a hoop to jump through.”

“Yeah, sure I know. I'm just being silly.”

“It's fine,” Mark reassured. He let go Seb's hand to put his arm around him and give him a squeeze. “No stressing.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh at their rule and Mark thought that was better. He was going to say something else when the door into the anonymous corridor where they were waiting opened and a man in glasses appeared.

“Hello. Vettel and Webber?”

“Yes,” they replied in unison.

“Good. Apologies. Things are running a little behind today after the holiday. Do come through.”

 

They went in and took their seats at the desk where the official seated himself behind, listening as he ran through all the procedurals and went through their documentation, asking the relevant questions and completing the paperwork. Mark found himself glazing over at how dull the man was, his voice monotone and his beige suit blending in with the plain wall behind him.

“Very well. I need to copy these,” explained the registrar before exiting the room with a sheaf of documents.

Mark waited until the door shut behind him until he leaned in to Sebastian by his side.

“I swear if that guy took his glasses off he could disappear entirely into the background.”

Sebastian laughed and relaxed.

“Maybe it's his superpower?”

“Ha. He's a very unlikely hero.”

“He's undercover,” decided Seb.

“He does it well,” Mark smiled.

He looked towards the door and whispered over. “We'd better hope his other superpower isn't hearing.”

Mark gave Seb a wink and Sebastian was about to laugh when the door reopened and the man reappeared and they carried on. Seb didn't feel nervous anymore. He couldn't understand why he had before, other than the strangeness of the situation. There hadn't been even a flicker of recognition on this man's face or the slightest reaction to hearing their plans to get married. He seemed to have no opinion whatsoever, seeming far more interested in his paperwork. Then again Seb thought that might be no bad thing. At least they didn't need to worry about him selling them out when he didn't even seem to care who was sat opposite him as long as they had lots of nice documents for him to look over.

 

It seemed to take an age, but eventually everything was completed and the official looked up from his papers.

“Very good. This will all be processed and we will be in touch.”

“We are wanting to get married as soon as possible really,” explained Seb. “We both have to travel abroad for our work you see.”

The man nodded.

“I see. Well I'm afraid these things can't be rushed. Have you looked at booking a venue yet? We do have rooms for hire here.”

Mark glanced at Seb, not wanting to say that if they were as beige as this room, that wasn't exactly enticing.

“We were looking at Oxford registry office. They have small rooms. We're not having guests,” Mark explained.

“You'll be using the official witnesses?”

Mark paused and looked back at Sebastian.

“We hadn't thought about that,” he admitted.

“You need the two obviously,” continued the official.

“Right. Of course.”

“Well you can speak to the venue to make arrangements.”

“Yeah.”

The registrar went on to go through the last few details of dates which he would only say were on the assumption that no issues were raised by the checks to be run and they were out of the room and on their way back to the car far quicker than they had expected.

 

Sebastian took Mark's arm as they walked along.

“He didn't sound very sure everything would be cleared.”

“He didn't sound very anything,” noted Mark. “Don't worry about it. I'm sure that's just what he has to say.”

“Yeah I guess. He kind of confused me with that though. He seemed to suggest we should book a venue, but refused to promise we'd have permission to actually get married by then.”

“We will. He's just being uptight.”

“So do we book it?”

“Yeah course. Then we can book the honeymoon.”

Sebastian smiled at him and leaned in a little closer as they crossed the car-park.

“That sounds nice.”

“Ah but it means making yet more choices,” noted Mark.

 

Seb looked to be sure Mark was only teasing, then smiled back and hung on a little tighter as they went to find their car on the far side, beyond all the council employees' spaces. Mark smiled back, glad to see him looking happy. Something about the way Sebastian leaned into him as they walked along like this made him feel wonderful. It warmed him despite the freezing temperature and Mark took the opportunity to give Seb a quick kiss on the cheek.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“What was that for?”

“Because I could,” smiled Mark. “And cos you always look so damn gorgeous all wrapped up against the cold.”

Seb smiled back, his cheeks a little pinker for the compliment.

“Well you look nice too.”

“Thank you. Right then sweetheart.” They'd stopped as they reached the car. “Head home and shall we have a think about things or have you done enough today?”

“No we can do some more. It'll be good to get started pinning things down.”

“True. Righto. I'll make us a nice cup of tea.”

“You spoil me Liebling.”

Mark snorted a laugh at Sebastian counting a hot drink as a treat.

“Nah, long day for you. Shall I drive?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

“Righto.”

 

  


When they got back, Mark made the promised tea, making a batch for the builders outside and doling out yet more of Pauline's biscuits that neither he nor Seb touched. It was good to see work getting going again. Now that the team were back Mark found himself relaxing more and more at them being around. As they handed refreshments out Sebastian was asking the workers all about their holiday, listening to the presents they'd bought their kids and what they'd got in return, sounding interested in every detail.

Mark smiled as he watched him at it, knowing it was the same thing Seb did with the guys on his team. He always made an effort to get to know the people around him and not appear above them. Mark was sure they made more of an effort for him as a result. Leanne would call it sweet, but Mark simply thought it was yet another sign what decent person Sebastian was. Heikki had belittled him for it, Mark knew that, so it was good to see Seb forgetting all that and being himself without worrying what it meant or how he appeared to others. Mark suspected Seb still didn't realise quite how much his approach was actually appreciated.

He turned to the boss and offered him another biscuit, but the man held up a hand.

“Ah I won't thanks. Swear all I did over the holidays was get constantly fed by the mother-in-law,” explained the manager.

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Yeah. Same here mate,” he agreed.

 

The man nodded. He'd never thought about a gay couple having mother-in-laws, but he supposed it was all the same really. When he'd mentioned who they were working for to his family over Christmas he'd got a few raised eyebrows, but he'd told them that they really were very ordinary. Better than ordinary really. Not all patrons took an interest and paid such attention to them; bringing them tea, remembering who took sugar, and bothering to learn their names. They got some pretty rich clients in this job and he supposed this pair must have plenty of money, but there was no looking down their noses going on. It did make a difference when you set off for work in the morning or stayed an extra half hour to finish something off, that the people you were working for bothered to notice and say thank you for your efforts.

 

“We'll be glad when we've got our pool to work off some of all those big meals,” noted Mark.

“I'm sure. Well we'll be getting on now. You should start to see the pool really taking shape and the outer walls will be started this week.”

“Great. I guess we'd better let you get on.”

 

They collected up mugs and went back in to settle down with their own cups of tea as they began researching honeymoon options.

“What d'ya reckon sweetheart? Hot or cold.”

“Hm?”

“Where we're going. Do you want something hot and beach-y or, I don't know, did you have anything in mind?” asked Mark.

“Oh. No I hadn't thought. Anywhere you are is fine.”

“Would rather defeat the object otherwise,” Mark laughed.

Seb stuck his tongue out and Mark grinned back.

“Okay,” he began more seriously. “Do you fancy something like the summer, which was great, obviously.”

“It really was,” concurred Seb.

“Or... well I was thinking; It's not looking like we're going to get much snow here this year after all, so what if we went somewhere snowy?” proposed Mark.

“Oh okay.”

“I mean you really like snow.”

“That's true. But what about you?” pressed Sebastian.

“I like the snow when I'm with you in it,” asserted Mark.

Sebastian smiled at that, then an idea struck him.

“We could go skiing? You can ski right?” proposed Seb.

Mark nodded.

“I'm not amazing, but yeah I can ski a bit.”

“What do you think then? That way we're training at the same time.”

“Yeah true,” Mark agreed.

“We could get a chalet somewhere. Nice and cosy, open fire...”

 

Mark grinned as he saw Sebastian already picturing the scene. It did sound good. He leaned in closer.

“Are we likely to get out and actually ski at any point?”

Seb wrinkled up his nose and grinned back.

“I'm sure we will at some point Liebling. Long lie-ins, no alarms, have a little muck about in the snow, then a nice evening in together.”

Mark nodded firmly.

“Sounds perfect darling. I'm presuming you're an ace at skiing?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'm alright I guess.”

Mark laughed and shook his head. 'Alright' was how Seb tended to describe most things he did. He bet Seb was actually a fantastic skier.

 

“Just promise not to leave me at the top of a mountain while you're already sipping glühwein at the bottom?” requested Mark.

Sebastian put his hand in Mark's and squeezed it gently.

“I promise.”

“Alright then. It's a deal. So...” Mark looked back to the computer. “Where do you fancy? The Alps somewhere?”

Sebastian opened his mouth and closed it again. The Alps made him think of Switzerland and there were far too many bad memories there. He bit his lip, then spoke up.

“Do you mind if we don't?”

“Oh?” frowned Mark.

“Just, Switzerland, or anywhere round there... I just... I'd rather not...”

“Of course,” realised Mark, continuing gently, not wanting to make a point of it, “of course sweetheart. No problem. Plenty of places we could pick. What about America? Some terrific places to ski there in the Rocky Mountains.”

Sebastian perked up.

“Oh that sounds good and I bet no one would recognise us or even have any idea who we are.”

“Or care, hopefully,” agreed Mark. “Yeah. Right we are then: One cosy chalet, log fire, decent slopes to get some clean air in our lungs. Sounds perfect.”

“It really does. Thank you Liebling.”

Sebastian stretched up and kissed Mark's cheek, getting a pleased smile back in response.

“Did you check with Christian about going away?”

“Yep. All good. He doesn't seem to think I'll be needed too much in the factory.”

“Great.”

 

They started digging around the internet, finding some potential options and looking at dates.

“You think we're okay to go ahead and book?” checked Sebastian.

“Course it will be. The registrar was just being super-cautious. There won't be any problems Seb, there's nothing exciting to find out about either of us,” reassured Mark.

“Yeah. Okay then. Guess we need to actually look at the venue and sort it all out.”

“Mm. I totally forgot about witnesses,” Mark admitted.

“Me too. Feels a bit weird, don't you think?”

“Yeah. Not sure how I feel about two randoms standing at the back.”

“Me either,” Sebastian concurred.

Mark puffed out a breath. “Thing is, if it's not strangers, who do we ask seeing as we weren't going to be telling anyone? It's not like we can have a couple of family there and not invite the rest.”

“We could ask Pauline?”

 

Mark nodded, mulling that over. Pauline would keep schtum, and no doubt she'd love to go, but you needed two witnesses and they didn't really know her husband. Moreover they were away in Canada until next week and this really needed to get sorted as quickly as possible. They needed two. A pair.

“Oh. Hang on I've had a thought.”

“Usually dangerous,” teased Seb.

“Mm. I was thinking seeing as we need two. I mean I know it might feel weird that we're not telling family, but if we're not doing that, then two people we could trust... What about JB and Jess?”

“Oh. Actually yeah that is a good idea.”

“You think so?”

“Mm. We're both friends with them and they wouldn't say anything to anyone would they?”

“Not if we really make it clear to Jense he has to behave,” Mark agreed, thinking how they would be handing their friend the juiciest bit of gossip yet again and asking him to sit on it. Then again he'd done so each time before, so surely they could trust him again? Jess he had no qualms about.

“They've been good friends to us,” noted Sebastian. “I think it would be nice, just to have some people there to be part of it.”

“Yeah. Still keeps it neat and simple. That's assuming they can come.”

“Well we'll give them a ring. Do we think the twenty-first?”

“Let's ring the venue, check they've a booking available, then call them,” suggested Mark.

“Okay.”

 

  


A couple of hours later they sat on the sofa together about to make the call. They'd managed to make a provisional booking so at least they knew when to ask if they were free. Sebastian had texted Jess earlier to ask when they would both be around if they called so they were ringing them now before dinner to be sure they were in. He pressed dial and set the phone just in front of them on the coffee table, ready on speak.

It rang a couple of times, then Jessica answered.

“Hey. Hang on a sec.”

There was a muffled sound of Jess calling her husband's name, then she was back.

“Sorry he's just coming. How are you? Did you have a nice Christmas and New Year?”

“Great thank you,” answered Seb. “Mark's here too.”

“Oh hi Mark.”

“Hey Jess. Did you have a nice time over Christmas?”

“Lovely thank you. Oh he's here at last.”

“Hey guys,” greeted Jenson as he sat with his wife, pointlessly waving at the phone screen.

“Hey,” greeted Seb and Mark.

They exchanged a bit of chat about what they'd been up to recently before Seb looked to Mark who nodded and they reached the point of their call.

 

“Okay, so the thing is we were wondering what you guys have got coming up?” asked Sebastian vaguely.

“Hm? Oh well I'll be seeing you for work next week won't I Mark?” Jenson noted.

“Right, yeah. Are you coming along Jess?” Mark checked.

“Oh no I'm in Tokyo all next week.”

“Ah right. But you're back the week after? We were looking at the twenty-first, that's the Thursday.”

“The twenty-first? What for?”

Mark looked to Sebastian who gave him a prompting nod to encourage him.

“Yeah, umm, okay so first off we just need to check... well I know we don't really, but, just...” Mark hesitated, then dove in. “Can you guys keep a secret?”

Jenson pulled a bemused face to his wife, then looked at the phone between them.

“Keep a secret?”

“Yeah. Just we're going to ask you something we've not mentioned to anyone else and for now we really need it to stay between us.”

 

Jessica's mouth had opened, but Jenson was still none the wiser.

“Umm, course. You know that's always okay,” he promised.

“Course, yeah I know, I just, yeah, it's important...” continued Mark.

“You can trust us,” confirmed Jess.

“Yeah, we know, sorry. I just wanted to check.”

Sebastian smiled at Mark stumbling around so he picked things up.

“So anyway, you're free on the twenty-first, both of you?”

“Yeah, we're home.”

“But you'd be able to make it over here?” pressed Sebastian.

“Um, sure.”

Seb took in a breath and went for it.

“Okay, so the thing is we wondering if you'd like to be our witnesses?”

Jenson furrowed his brow even deeper.

“Witnesses?”

 

By his side Jessica gasped and clapped a hand over her mouth while her husband shook his head at her.

“What?”

“Oh my god,” smiled Jess.

“ _What?_ What am I missing?” asked her husband.

Jessica shook her head and prompted Mark and Seb over the phone.

“No go on, you have to say it.”

“Say what?” whispered Jenson to his wife, only getting a shushing waved hand in reply.

“Okay so you can't tell anyone,” continued Sebastian, smiling now.

“Well that's easy cos I've no idea what you're on about,” interrupted Jenson, still sounding bemused.

“We need your word,” pushed Mark.

“Oh my god,” exasperated Jenson. “Yes, okay we promise won't tell anyone whatever you're asking about. That do you?”

“Yes. Thank you. Sorry, we're just being paranoid,” apologised Mark.

“Fine. Are you actually going to let me in on this then?”

Mark gave Sebastian a nod, so he blurted it out.

“We're getting married.”

 

Jenson gasped dramatically and looked to his wife who was now clapping her hands delightedly at the confirmation of what she had guessed. Jenson goggled at the phone.

“No way?”

“Yes way,” laughed Mark.

“Oh my god!”

Jenson started giggling, sounding more hysterical than Jess at the news.

“We're serious,” protested Sebastian sounding a little taken aback at his reaction, and Jenson calmed himself down at his shock.

“No I know, but wow. That's amazing.”

“Good though,” intervened his wife. “Really wonderful news. We're so pleased for you.”

“Yes we are,” confirmed Jenson. “Congratulations. So you mean witnesses for the wedding?”

“Yeah. Well it wasn't going to be for court,” joked Mark.

“Right. Sorry I don't why I didn't get that. Being thick there.”

“No worries. So you can do it? We've not confirmed the booking, but it'd be the afternoon of Thursday the twenty-first Jan, in Oxford.”

“Right.” Jenson looked to his wife who nodded eagerly. “Yeah, absolutely, we'll be there. Jess is already thinking what shoes to wear.”

Jessica batted at his arm, but Jenson merely grinned.

“Me too of course. I take it we're dressing up?”

“Dressing up?” probed Seb.

“Well what's the deal? Full bib and tucker or you just going for suits?”

 

Mark and Sebastian looked at one another, both realising they hadn't even thought about that when they didn't really care about such things.

“Oh. Umm... hang on a sec.”

The line went silent while Mark and Sebastian had a rapid conversation before coming back to them.

“So um, yeah we think suits, just smart you know, nothing too fancy.”

“Think I can manage that. Jess love, sure you'll turn out lovely in a suit,” commented Jenson.

Jessica rolled her eyes.

“You'll look great and I'll make sure Jenson is properly dressed for the occasion,” she assured.

“You make me sound about six,” complained Jenson.

“Can't think why.”

Jenson pretended to narrow his eyes at her before addressing the phone again.

“See that's married life guys. You sure you're up for it?”

 

The two replied in unison; “Yes.”

Jenson laughed and shook his head.

“Yeah fair enough. I grant you there are upsides. Okay so yeah, no bother, we'll be wherever you tell us to be, just let us know the details. Have you got much planned?”

“Nope. Nothing confirmed yet. Just provisional booking at Oxford registry office,” explained Mark.

“Oh right.”

“It's nice,” added Seb. “Really lovely old building. At least it looks it. We're going to go and have a visit to be sure it's right for us.”

“I'm sure it is,” confirmed Jess. “So it's just a small thing you're thinking?”

“Yeah. Very small. Just us.”

“Just us?”

“Yeah.”

“ _Only_ us?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who decided to explain.

“Thing is, we just want to get hitched with the minimum fuss. No more stressing out about stuff.”

“Right, of course, well that's understandable,” agreed Jess.

“Of course it is,” echoed Jenson, thinking how stressful their life had been of late.

“Yeah, so it'd just be the four of us, maybe go somewhere for a meal after,” added Mark.

“Sounds very nice,” concurred Jess. “Keeping it simple.”

“Mm, so that's why we said about not mentioning it to anyone.”

“Which we won't. You can rely on us.”

“Yeah, we know. Thank you.”

“We've not even told our families,” admitted Sebastian. “I know that probably sounds bad, but we just want to be married, not have some great hoopla over it all.”

“Well you're practically married already,” observed Jenson.

Mark smiled at hearing Jenson making the same point he had.

“You're the first people we're told,” explained Sebastian, thinking the others they'd encountered in their planning were really incidental and didn't count.

“Well we're honoured. Aren't we?” replied Jess.

“Course we are,” confirmed her husband. “Really. I mean it. We'd love to be there and we won't breathe a word about it if that's what you want.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah thank you,” added Mark. “Plan is we go away for a bit, then we'll tell our families.”

“Present them with a fait accompli?”

“Hm? Oh yeah, exactly.”

“Worried your mum's going to kill you?” joked Jenson.

Mark laughed.

“I'll be safe enough doing it over the phone I think, but yeah. Anyway we'll go see Seb's lot and we'll see mine in March, smooth things over.”

“They'll be fine,” interceded Jessica. “I'm certain all they want is for you to be happy.”

“Yeah that's what we think,” agreed Sebastian. “We just want to be married, that's all. Not make a big deal of the wedding and all that.”

“Fair enough,” replied Jenson. “Well when you've pinned it all down, let us know and we'll be there.”

“We really are honoured,” affirmed Jess happily.

“Thank you.”

 

Jenson suddenly had a thought.

“Hang on, how does this work? Am I a best man? And who for?”

Mark laughed and shook his head at Sebastian who shrugged back. They hadn't thought about any of this.

“I dunno mate. Does it matter? You're both our best man,” decided Mark.

“Righto. I'll just stand in the middle.”

“It's a pretty small room by the looks of it,” noted Seb, “so you won't have far to wander either way.”

“If you say so. Jess love, you'll have to be chief bridesmaid,” grinned Jenson.

Jessica shook her head at how much he was enjoying all this.

“You can be if you like,” agreed Sebastian, “but we're really not doing anything fancy.”

“No bouquets,” noted Jenson with a sadness that was only half a joke.

“No bouquets,” confirmed Mark firmly.

“Unless you want to bring your own Jense,” offered Sebastian.

Mark shook his head and Jess shared the sentiment.

“Don't encourage him. Right that all sounds lovely. Can we bring confetti?”

“Umm. We'll check.”

“Are you having a photographer?”

“Oh. Um, no.”

“Jenson can be our photographer,” settled Mark, thinking all this fuss was why they didn't want a big wedding in the first place.

“As you say mate. I'll bring a decent camera.”

“We really want to keep it as simple as possible.”

“Absolutely. You know I'm only teasing.”

“We do thankfully.”

“Alright then.”

“It's very kind of you to say yes to coming. We can pay for your flights?” offered Seb.

Jenson shook his head.

“Don't be ridiculous. That's no problem. I'm sure we can arrange to see family in England over the weekend while we're over. Is the plan to shoot straight off on your romantic honeymoon?”

“Yeah pretty much. We've got to book that yet too.”

“Well you'd better pull your finger out,” instructed Jenson. “You've only got two and a half weeks.”

“It's plenty of time,” stated Mark firmly, not wanting Sebastian to get worried. “Just need to make a few bookings and we're sorted.”

“Sure.”

“We only went to see the registrar to get everything approved today,” noted Sebastian.

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

“When did you get engaged then? Have you been keeping all this secret for a while?” wondered Jenson.

“New Year's Eve,” admitted Seb.

Jenson huffed a laugh.

“Blimey you're not hanging about are you?”

“We've waited quite long enough,” defended Mark.

“Course you have. New Year's Eve though, but that's so lovely,” sighed Jessica.

Sebastian smiled, “yeah it was. We just want to be official, you know?”

“Yeah. That's really what it's about,” confirmed Mark.

 

Jenson had been going to make another joke about them not wasting any time seeing as New Year's Eve was only a few days ago, but he remembered what Mark had told him about the perils of not being officially related. Of course it made sense that they wanted to confirm their relationship. He'd been slightly shocked a few minutes ago, but now he'd had time to get used to the idea it only made sense.

“Well that's great. We're really chuffed for you.”

“Thanks,” chimed Mark and Seb.

“I suppose we ought to let you get on if you've all this stuff to sort out,” Jenson allowed.

“Yeah. Thank you, we appreciate it,” confirmed Mark.

“Absolutely no problem.”

“We can't wait,” added Jess.

Sebastian smiled at Mark, glad to know they'd made the right choice. Jenson was a bit giddy at times, but he could be serious when the occasion demanded and he had been a true friend in some very dark times. They knew they could trust them now they'd made it clear how important it was that it stayed private for the time-being.

“Thank you. You've both been such good friends to us this year.”

“Our pleasure mate,” affirmed Jenson, not joking at all now. “You two deserve all the happiness you can get. We're really glad you've asked us, aren't we?”

“Yeah we really are. Thank you,” confirmed Jess. “And no worrying about us saying anything to anyone. We wouldn't dream of it.”

“Course not. Thank you.”

“Right. Well guess like you said we'd better get on it,” rounded up Mark.

 

They finished up the call with more promises and thanks on all sides then hung up, Mark and Sebastian sitting back on the sofa before turning their heads to look at one another.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yep. Good. I'm really glad we've asked them,” confirmed Seb. “I think we'll have a nice day.”

“Course we will. The best.”

“Yeah.”

“And it keeps it nice and tidy having the two of them,” Mark noted.

Seb smiled, thinking how over-excited Jenson could get.

“I think JB might have exploded having to keep that a secret on his own. At least he can talk to Jess.”

“Exactly. They've kept plenty of secrets before. It'll be fine.”

“Yeah.” Seb huffed a laugh. “We've got to find something to wear now as well.”

“Mm. We keep finding new things we have to sort out.”

“It'll be fine. Suits. Just smart. We don't have to be matching or anything, just look okay together.”

“Exactly. I mean we've got stuff that'd do, but I spose we ought to have something new, make it a bit special,” suggested Mark.

“We could go into London?”

“Yeah if you want. Wednesday? Have the day to book things tomorrow?”

“Yeah. There we go. That's a plan,” Sebastian stated. “No stress.”

“Absolutely darling. No stress.”

 

Mark smiled and leaned in to give Sebastian a quick kiss before Seb settled his head on his shoulder and Mark put an arm around him.

“It's all going to be fine isn't it?” said Seb, almost, but not quite making it a question.

“It is. Two and a half weeks and we'll be done and dusted, off on our lovely honeymoon.”

“Yeah,” sighed Sebastian happily.

He closed his eyes and pictured it again, the snow deep outside, far away from the prying world, just him and Mark, cosy together. Perfect.

  


 

  


  


A week and a half later they had everything they needed sorted, and apart from harbouring lingering guilt about keeping their families in the dark, all was going well. The only problem now was work getting in the way. Mark had to go to his pre-season meetings with Porsche and he wasn't at all comfortable with the idea of leaving Sebastian behind. He'd asked Seb if he wanted to come along, but Sebastian told him the seat-fitting had already been planned and couldn't really be changed. In truth Seb knew that he'd rushed into volunteering to be in work while Mark was away because he didn't much fancy being on his own. They hadn't discussed it until Mark had to sort out the arrangements for going over and by then it was too late as the seat-fitting was planned in and Seb didn't feel he could cancel on the team when they had made all the arrangements.

 

“I'll be fine Mark, really.”

“Yeah.”

“I will. Don't worry Liebling.”

They were stood in the kitchen, Mark having brought the matter up again a couple of days before he was due to leave. Sebastian stood in front of him, his hand on Mark's arm as he tried to reassure him. It had crossed his mind about doing the unthinkable and telling the team he couldn't go into work so he could stick with Mark, but the idea of hanging around in a hotel room all day waiting on him was hardly appealing and Seb knew he had to get over the idea of being left alone at home. He couldn't rely on Mark always being there, not with the jobs they had. He just had to learn to manage. Spending the whole time being afraid was no way to live.

“You're sure?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. He wouldn't come here again, I'm sure of it.”

Mark hadn't even mentioned Heikki, but they both knew that was why he was anxious.

“No. No I know. I do.”

“I'll be fine. And if you're worrying, Pauline will be here most of the morning on Thursday won't she?” Seb reminded him.

“True.”

“And then I'll be busy in work all afternoon.”

“Yeah.”

“And apart from anything else there's the builders out back all day. Don't you think that would rather put him off skulking around?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. Spose I hadn't thought about that. Guess that is good. I just want to know you'll be okay.”

“I know Liebling. I know.”

Sebastian stroked his arm and looked into Mark's eyes.

“I'll be alright. I'll miss you, but it's just one night. You can concentrate on your work and I'll concentrate on mine. I'll email and see if I can pop back in Friday as well as Thursday, spend a bit of time with the guys, maybe take a spin on the sim, spend some time in the gym with Antti.”

“Keep busy?”

“Exactly.”

“Okay.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

 

Mark put his arms around Sebastian and pulled him in tight.

“You'll be fine.”

“I will and so will you.”

“Okay.”

Mark leaned in to kiss him. He knew he would still be worrying about Seb, but he had to trust him to make his own judgements. Mark knew he couldn't go through life fretting the whole time and thinking Sebastian could never be left alone without him there to guard him. When Mark thought about it rationally, he didn't really believe Heikki was likely to repeat his previous intrusion when it had ended so badly for him last time. He'd just have to learn to live with worrying. When the days apart passed safely as surely they would and he was home again, Mark knew he would feel a little better for the next time.

  


  


 

  


Two days later they stood at the airport as Sebastian dropped him off.

“You didn't have to come.”

“Yes I did.”

Mark smiled.

“Okay. Well thank you. Especially at this time of day.”

It was only half past six in the morning, which really was above and beyond the call of duty when Mark could have got a taxi, but Seb had insisted.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'll miss most of the traffic heading back.”

“Mm.”

“It's fine Mark. I'm going to be fine. You're going to be fine.”

“Okay.” Mark let out a heavy sigh. “I don't care it's only one night. I'm going to miss you.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark pulled him into a hug and rested his head by Sebastian's for a few moments. It was the first time they would be parted for any length of time for six weeks. They'd both been enjoying getting used to that fact.

As he let him go Mark lowered his head to look into Seb's eyes to be sure he genuinely looked okay.

“Alright darling, sorry for fretting.”

“That's okay. I hope all your meetings go fine. Say hi to Jense.”

“Will do.”

“And you'll call me lots?”

“Of course. You call me as well.”

“I will.”

“I'll be in Milton Keynes this afternoon and then most of the day tomorrow,” Seb reminded.

“Yep. Alright, well don't work too hard darling.”

“You too.”

“I won't be late back. I should be home by four o'clock, so any time you call after then I'm all yours,” promised Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Aren't you always all mine?”

“Of course I am.”

“Yeah I know you are darling.”

“I'll speak to you later then.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. Guess I'd better go.”

“'kay. Love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled and stole another kiss.

“You know one week from now we'll be getting married,” Seb pointed out.

Mark smiled back.

“Well there's a happy thought to keep me going.”

“Exactly.”

Mark nodded then gave Seb a final hug and kiss before shouldering his bag and setting off. Sebastian waved until he was out of sight. There was a part of him that regretted the fact he hadn't just told work he'd have to shift the date so he could change his mind and go with Mark. It wasn't much fun being left behind and he knew that for all his assurances to Mark that he'd be fine, Seb wasn't much looking forward to being alone, but lingering on that thought did no good. He just had to set his shoulders back and get on with things. Sebastian headed home for breakfast and a morning of chatting with Pauline distracting her from her work and feeding the builders tea and biscuits while he had a nosy at the progress they were making.

At last it was finally starting to look like a building as things sped up once the main features of the extension went up. Two weeks into the new year the walls were built, the roof beams in place and the interior was now essentially laid in place, ready to be finalised once the roof was finished. When you walked in there now you really got a feeling for how it was going to be, even if the long side of the pool facing into the garden was left open where the large plate glass windows and the sliding doors were going to go. It was going to be great. Seb was almost as excited about it as their honeymoon. Almost, but not quite.

  


  


The day passed as well as could be expected. Seb hoped he didn't annoy the people he was working with at the factory too much by always snatching up his phone the moment it buzzed with a message, but he didn't want Mark to ever have to wait to have confirmation that he was fine. The only one who really ticked him off was Antti when Seb jumped off the running mill to grab his mobile from the side when it buzzed, telling him to concentrate on what he was meant to be doing. Sebastian had got back on his good side by telling his trainer that he and Mark were going skiing, which Antti agreed would be good exercise, only extracting promises that he be careful about his warm-ups and cool-downs and that he was under no circumstances permitted to break his leg.

Sebastian laughed at Antti's dead-pan delivery, still unsure as to whether his trainer was joking. He reassured him that they had no such plans and promised to do all he asked, and assuring him that they were going to be sticking to the easy routes and not pushing too hard. Antti had nodded and told him to have fun in a voice that seemed unacquainted with the concept.

He didn't mind though. His trainer was as uncomplicated as possible and Seb was happy with that. Chatting with Pauline that morning had been rather more complicated as he felt bad at not telling him about their plans. Almost as much as he did his family in fact, but luckily their housekeeper was so full of her stories from her trip to visit her son in Canada that it wasn't hard to keep her talking about that instead of anything else. Sebastian merely checked she would be okay to look after the dogs while they were away.

“Of course dear. That's no problem, especially not after you just paid for my holiday.”

“Just the flights.”

“Which is still a lot.”

“Well anyway. You're very kind. Thank you.”

“As I say, it's no trouble,” insisted Pauline. “You're just getting a break?”

“Um, yeah,” dissembled Sebastian awkwardly.

He looked at her and thought very hard about confiding in Pauline. Sebastian knew he could trust her, but it still felt wrong to tell her above their families and besides Mark wasn't here. It wasn't a decision he could make alone. No, he'd have to live with feeling guilty.

“Well that's a good idea. Make the most of the time you have. That's my advice,” offered Pauline.

“Thank you. That's the plan.”

 

 

  


  


Sebastian returned home from his afternoon at the factory just as the guys working on the extension were finishing up. He felt oddly relieved to have the chance to say hello to them when he got home, even if it was to say goodbye to them at the same time. Seb watched them leave, then went around the house locking himself in for the night. He told himself he wasn't scared, but Seb was glad for the way the dogs stuck to him like glue nonetheless. Once he'd circulated the place making certain everything was secure, leaving all the lights on in his wake, Sebastian gave the dogs some extra food and water, then sat on the kitchen floor with them while they ate, petting them and telling the animals all about his day. Simba looked up at him and Seb rubbed his ears in the way he liked, getting a nuzzle of his hand as a reward.

“Thank you. Have you had a nice afternoon?” Sebastian asked him. “If you're good boys I'll take you out to show you what's going on outside tomorrow and you can say hello to all the guys again. Would you like that?”

Sebastian received no answer but he presumed it was a yes. Every time the dogs were allowed out there now they got very excited, but as long as you kept them on the leads it was okay and he and Mark wanted them to be familiar with the workers and to have some understanding of what was happening to their home.

He got up and made himself a drink, turning around to see the dogs back with him.

“Come on then, we'll go sit in the lounge.”

 

They went through, Seb turned on the television and sat down, the animals pausing only a moment before they hopped up onto the sofa and settled either side of him. Sebastian huffed a little laugh, but he didn't tell them off. He gave each a rub in turn, then looked at them.

“Did Mark tell you to look after me? I bet he did didn't he? Yeah. Ah well.”

Sebastian couldn't pretend he wasn't a little grateful for being looked after.

“He worries about me you see, after what happened, but it's not going to happen again. It just won't. You scared him off.”

Seb gave the dogs each a loving stroke as they pressed into him affectionately.

“You're good boys. I'll tell Mark.”

Sebastian fished his phone out from his pocket and sent Mark a text.

SEB: I'm home now. The dogs and I are sat on the sofa, all of us missing you Liebling. Hope everything's going okay. Let me know when you're done and I'll call. Love you.

 

Mark sat at the remains of a long meeting, felt his phone buzz in his pocket and carefully pulled it out to check it under the table, feeling like a school-boy misbehaving in class, but not willing to let any message from Seb go unchecked. He smiled at the message and attempted a sneaky text back without being seen.

MARK: Mtg gwg longg. Love u. Wll call x

 

Sebastian read the garbled message and laughed to himself. It cheered him to see how quickly Mark had sent that reply. Seb would have sent another text back, but if Mark was still in meetings then he was busy. He'd ring when he could. That was all Seb needed to know. For now he had the dogs.

“Tell you what. I think I might make up the fire. You'll be good around it won't you boys? Don't get too close,” Sebastian instructed.

He got up and went over, the dogs following as Seb took wood from the basket they'd taken to keeping by the fireplace along with kindling and old newspaper and a packet of matches. He talked the dogs through what he was doing to build the fire before getting ready to light it.

“Right then you need to sit back a bit,” Sebastian told them.

The dogs looked back at him dumbly and Seb shook his head. He got up and walked the dogs back a couple of feet.

“Sit.”

He pointed at the floor and the animals obeyed.

“Good boys.”

Seb gave them a rub.

“Now _stay_.”

He took a tentative step away but both dogs went to follow him.

“No you stay. I'm only going to light the fire. I need you to stay safe here. Down. _Down_.”

Sebastian pushed their hindquarters down and the dogs reluctantly obeyed, looking at him with what he was sure was confusion at him not allowing them to fulfil their duty.

“Good. Now stay there. I'll only be a minute.”

 

Sebastian held his hand up to show them that they had to stick were they were and the dogs stayed in place while he went over and successfully lit the fire, blowing lightly on it for a minute until the lit paper caught some of the wood and it spread nicely.

Seb turned back to look at Shadow and Simba.

“See? Mark taught me how to do it. It's nice, but you mustn't go anywhere near or it could hurt you, remember?”

He shuffled over the carpet on his knees to give them both a rub to reward them for their obedience.

“Good boys, thank you.”

The dogs seemed to guess they were allowed to move now and both reached up to nuzzle at him and get more strokes and rubs in return.

“Yeah, that's nice isn't it? Okay, back on the sofa then,” instructed Sebastian.

  


  


An hour later Sebastian's phone sat on the coffee table lit up and Seb grabbed it to answer.

“Hey.”

“Hey sweetheart. How are you?”

“Fine. You?”

“Yeah. Just done. We're heading back to the hotel.”

A faint “Hi Seb!” floated over from inside the car and Sebastian smiled.

“Is that Jenson?”

“Yep. He says hello.”

“Hello back.”

Mark turned to his friend.

“Seb says hi.”

“Hi,” repeated Jenson.

Mark smiled and returned his attention to the phone.

“Anyway sweetheart, just thought I'd let you know we're done. I'm gonna head back and change and I'll call you from my room.”

“Righto.”

“You're alright?”

“Yeah fine. I made a fire,” stated Seb.

“Did you? Very good. Okay, well give the dogs a rub from me.”

“Will do. They refuse to leave my side at the moment.”

“Uh huh.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Is that you?”

“Hm?” replied Mark innocently.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“They're taking whatever you said very literally Liebling. I swear they tried to come to work with me this afternoon.”

“Did they?”

 _Good boys,_ thought Mark. As far as he was concerned the dogs could have gone with Seb. He was sure they'd sit nicely by his side through whatever he was doing.

“You know that means they'll want to sleep in our room tonight,” noted Sebastian.

“Mm, well that's up to you.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian paused. “I think I might let them. Just on the floor.”

“Sure. Well that's alright isn't it?”

“Yeah I spose. Anyway, speak to you in a bit.”

“Righto. Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling.”

They hung up and Mark glanced sideways as he fitted his phone away to see Jenson grinning.

“What?”

“Nothing,” shrugged Jenson. “It's nice, that's all. What were you talking about?”

Mark shrugged.

“The dogs.”

“Ah. And are they looking after him for you?”

Mark huffed a laugh at how transparent he must be to his friend.

“Yeah.”

“That's alright then. Are they coming to the wedding?”

Mark laughed again. In a way it would be appropriate.

“Only if you and Jess are prepared to pretend that you're blind.”

Jenson chuckled.

“We'll bring our sunglasses.”

“Sure.”

 

Mark smiled and thought how that would amuse Seb when he told him. Seb might even say they should go for it. It was almost tempting to try the trick, but Mark knew they'd all be laughing too much. Giggling all the way through the service wasn't quite the vibe they were going for. Sebastian had sounded alright though and it was nice to know that the dogs were doing as he'd asked and keeping a close eye on him. They could have a proper chat soon and he could make doubly sure everything was fine. Then a quick dinner out with Jenson and back again to talk to Sebastian while they both settled down to bed. Mark didn't mind if the dogs joined them for it. The thought of Seb falling asleep warm in their bed at home, safely guarded by the dogs on the floor in their room was comforting and Mark knew that it would no doubt help him sleep more soundly as well.

 

  


  


Jenson stood in the lobby of their hotel, waiting for Mark to join him. He was just considering going up to his room to find his friend when he emerged from the lift, rushing over to join him.

“Sorry mate. Lost track of time. I was...”

“Talking to Seb,” interrupted Jenson.

Mark gave him a wry smile and nodded.

“Yeah. Anyway, sorry. I just wanted to make sure he was really alright.”

“Course.”

Mark had already confided his concerns to Jenson when he first arrived, but after the last time they'd been together his friend didn't require much explanation.

“And he is, right?”

“Yeah he's fine.”

“There you go. So no worrying.”

Mark nodded and Jenson gave him a little pat on the arm to remind him that he understood.

“Come on mate, I'm starving,” encouraged Jenson and they headed on out into the town to find a restaurant.

 

Jenson smiled and shook his head as he looked over at him while they walked along the dark streets.

“You know when you called to tell us you two were tying the knot, I was pretty surprised, but the only thing that surprises me now is how it's taken you so long to do it.”

Mark laughed and gave an acknowledging tip of his head.

“Yeah mate, me too. We should have done it last summer really. I don't know why we didn't, but I guess we just didn't realise.”

“Realise what?”

“You shouldn't waste any time, because you just don't know...”

Mark trailed off and Jenson gave him a little pat on the back to cheer him up.

“Yeah mate, but you're doing it now.”

“Yeah. We get a second chance. That's how all of this feels; like a second chance at life for the both of us.”

“Yeah.”

Jenson puffed out a long breath. So often he sailed through life, coasting by on light-hearted banter and a similarly light-hearted approach to everything, but Mark always reminded him that life wasn't so simple for everyone. Jenson knew he was a better person for being friends with him. There were things that were no kind of joke and sometimes it was good to remember that so you appreciated what you had yourself.

 

“You're a lucky guy,” offered Jenson.

Mark give him a smile and nodded.

“Yeah mate. I really am. I never dreamed I'd get this lucky. I don't ever want to have a day go by I let myself forget it.”

“Yeah.”

Jenson nodded and spied a restaurant on the corner.

“Fancy Thai?”

“Hm? Oh yeah sure,” Mark agreed.

“Good. Let's get a nice Thai beer with it. Seize the day.”

Mark smiled at Jenson's version of making the most of their time.

“Yeah alright, why not? Just so long as I still fit in that suit for next week.”

Jenson laughed.

“You've got a week to work it off. I'm sure you'll find a way.”

Mark gave him a look, then the smallest of smiles. He was sure they would too.

  


  


  


The next afternoon Seb got home from his day at the factory just before it was getting dark. He went out to chat with the guys and admire their work on the roof before they all shipped out leaving him alone again. Sebastian went round the house making sure everything was properly locked up, the dogs accompanying him just as they had done the day before. It still felt a bit strange to be on his own, but the dogs kept reminding him that they were there and it helped him feel better. Mark would be back in just a few hours. Seb went into the kitchen, made himself a cup of tea and took it through to the lounge, putting the television on so it didn't seem so quiet. He watched a wildlife programme for an hour, only half-engaged with the subject, but finding the pretty pictures restful.

Sebastian gave the dogs a rub and reminded them Mark would be back soon. Mark had said he was fine to get a taxi back, insisting on there being no point Sebastian wasting his time waiting around at a busy airport when he'd been working all day.

Seb got up to pour the remnants of his cold tea away and washed the cup at the sink. He looked at the food in the fridge to be sure he had something ready for later, then turned to the dogs who were still sticking by him. Sebastian gave them a little rub then stood up decisively. He went to get his coat and picked up the car-keys from the bowl in the hall. Sod taxis.

 

  


  


An hour and a half later Mark walked back through Heathrow to find Sebastian waiting for him. He smiled and gave him a warm hug and a kiss.

“Daft thing. I said I was fine to get a taxi.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I wanted to see you as soon as possible.”

“Everything's okay?”

“Yes everything's fine. I just wanted to see you.”

“Well...”

Sebastian pushed up on his toes and silenced Mark with a kiss.

“Don't argue Liebling. Just be pleased,” he instructed.

Mark huffed a laugh at how firm Seb was being.

“I am pleased.”

“Good. Let's go home then.”

 

Mark hitched his bag onto his shoulder and allowed Sebastian to link their arms together on the other side.

“Jense sends his love and says he wants to know what phone deal we're on,” Mark recalled.

Sebastian laughed. “The; 'please take all my money deal'.”

“Yeah I did explain that.”

Perhaps he shouldn't have admitted to spending another hour on the phone to Seb when they got in after their meal last night, but Mark really didn't care. Their friend might tease them, but there was always a note of admiration in there for how attached they were and Mark knew that Jenson liked to be on the inside track. He suspected that was one reason their friend could be trusted not to spill the beans; Jenson could feel special that he was guarding a secret almost nobody else knew, even if it wasn't his own.

 

“I'm going to make you dinner,” announced Sebastian happily as they strolled along through the airport crowds.

“Are you?” smiled Mark.

“Yes.”

“And for what do I receive this honour?”

“For coming home safely to me.”

Mark leaned a little more into him.

“All I was doing was sitting in boring meetings.”

“Don't care. I'm still glad you're home safe,” Sebastian repeated.

“Well so am I. Now then, tell me all you've been up to,” Mark requested.

“I already told you.”

“Tell me again.”

“'kay.”

They walked to the car, linked together, Mark happily listening to Seb repeating all he had told him in his calls and texts over the past two days. The information was less important than the fact Sebastian sounded happy and confident as he talked. Mark had been so worried and yet here he was, totally fine after all, just as he'd promised. Mark smiled and kept Seb close. One week from now they would already be on their honeymoon. He couldn't wait.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 


	116. Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is Christmas after all, so here's my little gift to you. I hope you like it.

 

* * *

 

  
  


Mark and Sebastian stood in the freezing cold on the steps of an old pale-stoned building in the centre of Oxford. Their smart new suits were hidden under long warm coats, neither prepared to make themselves ill waiting around without them in this kind of weather. It was early afternoon on Thursday the twenty-first of January. They day they'd been waiting for.

Sebastian checked his watch again and Mark smiled, giving his hand a squeeze as he held it.

“They'll be here.”

“I know.”

“Jense said they were just struggling to find a parking space,” Mark reported again despite the fact he'd shown Seb the text a quarter of an hour ago.

“Yeah. Maybe we should have just said to come to ours and all gone from there?” suggested Sebastian.

“We've still got half an hour.”

“Mm.”

Mark gave his hand a rub and leaned in to kiss Seb's cheek.

“It's all going to be fine. Don't fret darling, okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian puffed out a breath, the condensation rising in the frosty air in front of him. He knew he was allowing himself to get stressed over a little nothing when it wasn't really about that. He hadn't been nervous at all until they'd got here, but now they were right on the cusp of actually getting married he was a bag of nerves for reasons he couldn't place at all.

 

A few minutes later they spied Jess and Jenson rushing along the street as fast as they could when Jessica was wearing heels that had to be at least five inches high. They finally reached them and exchanged hugs and kisses.

“Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry,” apologised Jess. “We're parked miles away and I just couldn't run. I told Jense he should go on.”

“And I said I should have dropped Jessy off while I found somewhere to leave the hire car, but never mind, we're here now.”

“Course you are,” agreed Mark calmly.

“It's fine,” dismissed Seb. “We've still got ages.”

Mark suppressed a laugh at hearing Sebastian changing his tune, but he was right, it didn't matter.

“Right let's go in then, tell them we're here,” he proposed.

“Yes please,” agreed Jess.

She was wearing a grey knee-length felt cloak over her dress, but it still felt cold when normally they'd be bundled up in woolly hats and scarves in this weather.

 

They went in and let the reception desk know that they were there, then removed their coats now they were in the warm. Jess smiled as she saw how smartly Mark and Sebastian were turned out.

“You both look lovely,” she praised.

“So do you,” replied Seb. “That's a beautiful dress.”

Jenson grinned and put an arm around his wife.

“It's teal, not green,” he pointed out, “as I have been reminded several times today.”

Jessica shook her head at him making a joke of his failure to appreciate the finer details of such things.

“And you,” continued Jenson. “Very smart guys.” He gave Mark a little nudge. “You've even got Seb in a tie. How did you manage that?”

“I didn't do anything,” countered Mark.

“I chose it,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Mm, well I think you must be a good influence,” Jenson insisted.

Sebastian rubbed his hands together to warm them up and Mark automatically took them in his own to warm them up.

“How long have you been here?” asked Jessica.

“About half an hour,” Mark replied, thinking it had taken some work on his part to persuade Seb to accept they shouldn't arrive even earlier.

Jess gave her husband a look. She'd warned him they ought to get an earlier flight. Jenson decided to ignore it and looked to Mark and Sebastian instead.

“So you're not going with the rule about seeing one another before the wedding?”

“Somewhat tricky when we live together,” noted Mark.

“I suppose.”

“Besides, that rule's about the bride. Spot any brides here?”

Jenson looked at the two of them and decided any jokes would be unappreciated at this point.

“Nope, course not. Are those suits tailored?”

“They are indeed mate, don't we look swish?” smiled Mark.

“You do indeed.”

“You look fabulous,” echoed Jessica. “And this way you can wear them again for something else. Very practical.”

 

Sebastian smiled. He did feel rather special all dressed up like this, but he was glad they were wearing normal suits so he didn't feel silly in an outfit he would never normally wear or in some strange matching outfits that would have felt like fancy-dress rather than their true selves. He smiled at Mark thinking how amazing he looked in his slim-fitting dark grey suit, sharp as a pin and brand-new shoes to go with them. Everything perfect for today. Not that he thought Mark wouldn't look amazing if he'd turned up in jeans and a hoody. Bone structure like that seemed to suit a suit nicely though. Sebastian put his hand on Mark's arm and smiled at him, running the words; 'suit a suit' over in his head to amuse himself. He turned his smile back at the other two.

“Mark's doing his James Bond impression again.”

“James Bond is blonde these days,” teased Jenson, brushing his hand over his hair as if preening himself while his wife shook her head at him teasing them.

“You do look very Bond-like,” she told Mark. “And you look so good together.”

She wanted to say Sebastian looked sweet in his suit; a paler grey that went with his lighter colouring and co-ordinated well with Mark's outfit. Whoever they'd gone to had a good eye for what worked.

“Very fashionable,” added Jenson.

Mark put his arm around Sebastian and gave him a little squeeze.

“Making an effort for once,” he agreed.

 

A thought struck Jenson.

“Oh. Rings. You do have rings don't you?” he checked.

“We do,” confirmed Mark.

“So I'm presuming I'm meant to hang on to them?”

“Yeah I guess you are best man.”

Mark took the boxes out from his pocket where they were carefully stowed and Jenson was about to stick them in his own pocket when his wife shook her head.

“No no, let me look.”

She picked one then the other little different coloured boxes up from the palm of Jenson's hand, opening the boxes to examine the rings stored inside.

“They're just plain bands, both the same,” pointed out Mark.

“Do you mind if I take one out?” Jess checked, getting a go ahead from each of them.

 

Jess took Sebastian's ring out from its little dark blue velvet box to hold it so it caught the light. She looked more closely, seeing something engraved on the inside. Jessica smiled and showed it to Jenson; On one side there was inscribed the word; 'Always' in cursive script and opposite there was the tiniest of fishes drawn in outline.

“That's lovely.”

“It's on the inside so it's just for us you see,” explained Sebastian.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

Jessica nodded, thinking how appropriate that was given the way the world tried to intrude on their privacy. No wonder they had wanted to keep this occasion as small and intimate as possible.

She peered at it again before putting the ring back into position in its box.

“A fish.”

“Mm,” agreed Seb with a glance to Mark.

Jenson huffed a laugh, knowing it matched their tattoos.

“You're not going to tell us are you?”

“Nope,” smiled Mark.

Seb looked slightly apologetic.

“Sorry, it's just...”

“It's fine,” intervened Jess. “That's just for you. We understand, don't we Jense?”

Jenson was tempted to comment that they were doing great work of intriguing them again, but his wife was right; it wasn't their business to pry. Every couple had their little secrets that tied them together. He took the boxes back, asking them to remind him again which colour was for who so he didn't get them mixed up, then fitted one in each pocket, ready to hand over at the right moment.

 

“Ooh let's get some pictures while we're waiting,” suggested Jessica.

Jenson unpacked his camera from the case slung over his shoulder and the couple allowed themselves to be put in the correct position by Jess so they caught the light from the tall stained-glass window over to the side, deferring to her experience in such matters. Jenson used his charm to persuade the girl from behind the desk to step out and take a few pictures of all four of them until the phone on the desk rang and she rushed back over to pick it up.

“You're on,” she called out to them cheerily. “Right down the corridor on the left.”

“Thank you,” replied Mark.

They had been there to visit the place, just to make sure it was suitable, but even Mark was starting to feel a little nervous now. Jess and Jenson had been a good call he thought. They distracted them and kept their minds from thinking too much as they waited.

He took Sebastian's hand in his and squeezed it again.

“You ready?”

Seb nodded.

“Yep.”

He took a deep breath and Mark smiled and gave him another kiss on the cheek, speaking quietly just for him.

“Just making it official, right?”

“Right,” confirmed Seb.

  
  


 

They walked down to the room where they were greeted by the registrar who reminded them of how it all worked and took them through into the room. They stood in a small wood-panelled room in front of an antique desk. There was a large window to the side with more stained-glass around the edge which lent everything a slightly church-y feel. Both Seb and Mark were glad that they had picked here rather than some anonymous space that felt like an office. This room felt special.

Mark and Sebastian stood together hand-in-hand with the registrar in front of the desk, going through official service. Seb was holding on to him so tightly. Mark stroked his thumb over the back of his hand repeatedly and gave him a warm smile, trying to ask with his eyes to know if Seb was really alright. Sebastian gave him a smile back but he didn't relax his grip. Mark was sure it was just the formality of the situation, not any doubts about what they were doing. As usual the fact that he was thinking of Seb and making sure he was okay was diverting Mark from allowing nerves of his own to kick in.

Jess and Jenson stood a pace back on either side, looking at one another occasionally, both recalling their own wedding despite the very different setting. Jenson looked over to their linked hands, giving his wife a smile to indicate he could see what Mark was doing. Jess gave him a look back that told him she'd spotted it long before him. She smiled softly thinking how perfect she thought the couple were. Sebastian was looking up at Mark with such big eyes and Mark's smile back told her he would far rather be wrapping his arms tight around him, not merely holding Seb's hand.

 

Seb hung on as they reached the part where they had to say their vows. He was terrified he would forget them and fluff his lines. It felt hugely important that he got it right. Far more important than anything he had ever had to say professionally on camera to the whole world. This was just for Mark, just for them. It meant everything. He had to get it right.

Sebastian didn't realise how tightly he held on to his rock as they painstaking went through all the steps, saying all the right words and placing rings on their correct fingers with a hand Seb had no idea how he was keeping from shaking.

When the woman finally pronounced them married Sebastian let out such a sigh of relief Mark almost laughed, but he merely leaned in and whispered.

“Well done darling.”

Sebastian felt the warmth in Mark's voice run all the way down his spine.

“Thank you Mein Fels,” Seb whispered back.

Mark moved to put his other hand at the side of Sebastian's face and leaned in to give him a soft kiss on the lips. Seb's hand went to Mark's waist to steady himself while everything around them went away. All the nerves, all the big shouting letters in his head saying; 'OH MY GOD WE'RE MARRIED'. All fading into nothing as Sebastian felt the familiarity of the kiss and they way it felt like home. Nothing but that; just Mark. Everything good.

 

Jessica looked over to her husband and gave him a firm look to tell him that if he made the joke he was clearly dying to about them taking their time over the kiss so he could remind them they were still there, she would in fact kill him. Jenson held his tongue. He could make his jokes later.

Mark pulled away thinking he'd been very restrained with that kiss when he would have quite liked to bowl Seb over. He'd save that for later. He lifted away and looked into Sebastian's eyes, giving him a little flick of his eyebrows to say; 'blimey, we really did it.' Seb clearly got the message because he huffed the tiniest of laughs and finally loosened his grip on Mark's hand.

The two of them turned back to the registrar who reminded them of the last bits of officialdom they had to complete, signing the register to get their wedding certificate. Mark smiled as he saw how carefully Sebastian wrote out his name and did his best to be as accurate himself so as not to let him down. Then Jess and Jenson signed as their witnesses and they were done. The registrar gave her congratulations and that was that. All official.

 

The other couple gave them more hugs and kisses and their own congratulations.

Mark laughed, feeling more relieved himself than he had realised. He smiled at Seb.

“Well we're really married then. Bloody hell.”

Sebastian laughed as well and excitedly pushed up on his toes to give him another kiss.

“Oh Christ we really are!”

“Too late to change your mind now,” joked Jenson.

“Psh,” ticked off Jessica, thinking she couldn't see two people who regretted their actions less. “Now then, let's get outside. I want to throw confetti.”

 

They gathered up their smart coats and said goodbye and thanked the official before Sebastian took Mark's arm and they followed the others back to where they had waited before. They passed another group in the entrance area clearly waiting their turn. Sebastian could see straight away who the bride and groom were, not from their clothes which didn't really stand out from the smart outfits the rest were wearing, but from the nervous look in their eyes. He gave them as smile as they passed, wanting to tell them that there was nothing to worry about. All those nerves seemed utterly ridiculous now the deal was done. So silly to have been in any way anxious when Seb had been wanting to hurry everything up and get married since the moment Mark had asked him.

They stood on the wide steps outside, obediently waiting while Jessica and Jenson threw their officially approved biodegradable confetti, Mark and Sebastian laughing at how much their friends were enjoying it. Mark reached over and dusted the little pieces out of Seb's hair.

“No no you have to let us take some pictures,” insisted Jenson. He got his camera out and took a few steps down to line up the shot while Jessica threw more confetti.

“Give him a kiss then Mark,” ordered Jenson.

Mark wanted to roll his eyes at his friend, but Seb pushed up to put his arms around Mark's neck and kissed him instead. Mark wasn't about to complain. He ignored the fact that Jenson was snapping away and kissed Sebastian properly as he had wanted to before, sticking a hand at the small of Seb's back and the other at the nape of his neck, dipping Seb down as he kissed him, causing Jess to squeal happily and Jenson to grin as he captured the moment.

“Very nice guys,” Jenson commented, then took another picture. “Um, guys?”

 

Sebastian had closed his eyes, entirely trusting Mark not to drop him in this position. He only reopened them as Mark lifted away from the kiss to see him smiling down.

“Alright sweetheart?”

Sebastian smiled back and gave him a little nod. Mark righted him and they finally turned to look at their friends. Jenson had come back up the steps to join them.

“Blimey.”

“What?” challenged Mark.

“Nothing mate. Just... You don't mess about do you?”

Mark shrugged.

“Well we're married now. We can do that all we like.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“We did quite a lot of it before we were married as I recall Liebling.”

“Mm, that's true.”

“Right then,” picked up Jenson. “Some more photos. You can actually look to the camera this time if you want.”

Sebastian pulled a face at him teasing, but he stood facing out towards their friend while he took more pictures. He had his arm around Mark's middle while Mark had his arm around Seb's back holding onto him just below his shoulder. Jenson looked through the view-finder to see the way they turned in slightly to one another, Sebastian angling his head ever so slightly up, Mark slightly down so they could gaze into one another's eyes. He took snap, then turned the camera to point it a little to the left to include Jessica smiling at the pair fondly. Jenson was about to lower the camera when he saw how Sebastian dropped the side of his head onto Mark's shoulder and Mark turned his head to kiss Seb's temple. Jenson rapidly hit the button and smiled as he checked to see that he had caught the moment on camera. No denying what Jessica said, they did make a very sweet couple.

 

He lowered the camera and looked over to his wife.

“Shall we see if we can get one with all of us?” he suggested.

Sebastian and Mark stood upright as if recalled back and Jenson looked around him. He spotted a couple in late middle-age walking past and went over to them, explaining that he needed them to take a picture of them and handing over his camera before running up the steps and organising the group with him on Mark's side, Jess on Sebastian's.

“They're not going to run off with your camera are they?” checked Seb.

Jenson shrugged.

“Hope not. Besides I reckon I can outrun them if they did.”

Mark laughed and turned his head to him.

“I'm pretty sure Jess could outrun them, even in those shoes.”

“You ready?” shouted the man from below in an American voice.

“Yep, sorry. Thanks,” replied Jenson and they all posed for a minute while the passers by took a few snaps.

Jenson ran back down the steps and retrieved his camera with thanks before returning to them.

“Do you think they recognised us?” wondered Seb.

“Nah. Sure they'd have said something,” dismissed Jenson. “Tourists I reckon. Sure we're safe.”

“We're fine,” reassured Mark. “Now then can we put our coats back on? We're freezing our arses off here.”

“Yeah I've got plenty of shots,” agreed Jenson. “I'll email them to you.”

“Thanks.” Mark gave him a firm look. “No tweeting,” he ordered.

Jenson smiled and saluted.

“No tweeting,” he promised.

 

Jess passed out the coats which had been left piled on the wall of the steps to the side of the large wooden doors. Sebastian took his, and put it on. Mark reached over to pull his collar up for him against the cold, giving Seb another kiss as he did so.

“We're all done then.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “All done and dusted. How does it feel?”

“Nice. Solid.”

“Solid?”

“Yeah. Like _I'm_ more solid. Is that weird?”

“No darling. It's good.”

Mark took Seb's hand in his and looked at the rings on their fingers. He smiled and shook his head.

“Good?” checked Seb.

“Bloody marvellous,” confirmed Mark. “At long last, eh?”

“Yeah.”

“You guys ready?” asked Jenson. “I'm starving.”

“Honestly Jense. You and your stomach.”

“It's nearly three o'clock,” complained Jenson good-naturedly. “We left the apartment at six am.”

“We'll head to the restaurant now,” offered Mark, thinking he was pretty hungry himself and a late lunch was definitely a good idea.

“Oh hang on, wait,” stopped Seb. “I need to get a picture of you two.”

 

He held out his hand and took the camera Jenson passed, snapping a few pictures of the other couple before Jess decided she should take her cloak off so Sebastian could take one with the dress on show. Jenson shook his head and kept his nice warm knee-length coat on, putting his arm around her so Jess didn't shiver too much as Seb took a few more pictures.

“Right. We done?” he asked.

“We're done,” agreed Sebastian, handing back the camera for him to put away.

“It's not far,” promised Mark.

 

They walked a few streets over to the restaurant where the table was booked. When they arrived Sebastian noticed the way the maître 'd gave them a clear look of recognition. Then again he supposed they had the name down on the booking, so it wasn't that strange. He wasn't to know that they had just got married though seeing as this was a smart place and dressing up for a meal was no doubt standard practice. It wasn't busy at this time in the afternoon though. A few tables finishing up desert and taking their time over coffee. They ought to have plenty of privacy as they chatted and enjoyed their meal.

They took their seats at the table and the waiter came over to take their order.

“Oh we have to have champagne,” insisted Jessica.

“I'm driving,” reminded Jenson.

“You can have a sip to say cheers can't you?”

“I can,” agreed Jenson. He turned to the other two. “Isn't one of you driving?”

“Taxi,” stated Mark.

“Ah.”

“Just seemed the easiest way. No stress.”

“Right. Guess we should have done the same, but we got a car for a few days so we can pootle round and see family over the weekend.”

“Sounds nice,” agreed Seb.

“We really don't get over as often as we should. My mum is very happy.”

“You haven't..?”

“No,” smiled Jenson. “We've been very good and just said we thought we'd pop over.”

“Thank you,” offered Mark.

“No problem. You'll just have to let us know when the cat's out of the bag and I can stop being paranoid I'm going to put my foot in it.”

Mark nodded. He suspected when word got out Jenson wouldn't need telling as the media were bound to leap all over the news, but with any luck they had a spell of grace left yet.

“Sure.”

“You know I went for a ride with DC on Monday and he was asking after you guys.”

“Was he?” asked Sebastian.

“Mm, just being friendly, you know.”

“Right.”

“He's going to be gutted you didn't invite him.”

Jess shook her head at her husband winding them up.

“We're just honoured you chose us, that's all. It went well didn't it?”

“Perfect,” smiled Mark.

“I was so worried I'd forget what to say,” confessed Sebastian.

“You didn't though,” assured Mark.

“You were fine,” added Jess.

“Ah Seb's a pro aren't you darling?”

Sebastian smiled and leaned a little into Mark by his side, the chairs pushed close together at the table. He shrugged and smiled at Mark.

“I'm just glad I got through it.”

“What a way to describe a wedding,” laughed Jenson.

“Ah no,” disagreed Mark, knowing how Sebastian always hid how nervous he got about things. From everyone apart from him of course. “You were perfect sweetheart.”

“I'm just glad I didn't say any of it wrong.”

“You didn't. Besides what do you think would have happened? It's not like we wouldn't still be married. The words don't matter.”

“And Seb's saying them in a second language,” reminded Jess to her husband.

“Oh that's true,” Jenson accepted. “You know I always forget that. Is it strange?”

“What?” frowned Sebastian.

“Doing all this in English not German?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I live most of my life in English. I think I'm almost more used to speaking it than German these days.”

“I thought you spoke German now Mark?” checked Jenson.

“I do. Just about anyway.”

“Yeah he does. He's great. It's just, I don't know, it just tends to be the other way that's all. It's fine. We live in England don't we?”

Jenson laughed.

“Well I can tell you Jessy and I don't speak French at home.”

“Oh well that's different. Neither of you are French,” pointed out Seb.

“He speaks some Japanese,” offered Jess.

“Very badly,” smiled Jenson. “Oh look here's our champagne.”

 

They sat while the bottle was opened and the drink poured into champagne flutes, the bottle left in a very grand silver ice-bucket stand to the side.

“Cheers,” offered Mark.

They all raised their glasses and Jenson spoke up, deciding this was another duty of his role as best man.

“Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” smiled both Seb and Mark.

“To the happy couple.”

“To the happy couple,” echoed Jessica and they all raised their glasses then took a drink.

“Who've been a couple for ages longer than anyone realises,” completed Jenson as they set their glasses down.

“Oh?” asked Sebastian.

Jenson smiled over at them.

“Yeah ages. Way longer than I think even you realise.”

Mark looked to Seb and shrugged.

“Jenson here is now convinced he saw it all along,” explained Jessica.

“Ah,” accepted Sebastian.

“What with his amazing selective memory,” she added.

 

Sebastian and Mark laughed, Jess joining in as Jenson shook his head, convinced he was right.

“I'm telling you. It was there all along. Just look at those old photos of you two. It's obvious.”

“If you say so mate,” agreed Mark, not wanting to argue on today of all days.

“I was the first one to work it out,” added Jenson sounding pleased with himself.

“Erm sure,” agreed Mark. “If you don't count Fernando.”

“Oh.”

“And Christian,” contributed Seb.

“Oh.”

“And Pauline.”

“Who's Pauline?”

“Our housekeeper,” reminded Mark.

“Oh.”

“And our families,” smiled Sebastian. “Oh and Dan too, I nearly forgot about him.”

Jess smiled and put an arm around her husband.

“But apart from all those other people, you totally had them sussed first.”

Jenson sighed and shook his head sadly.

“I'm sure I knew subconsciously before them.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark. “That must be it.”

“Hmm. Okay, well anyway.”

 

Jess nodded over and he saw a couple of waiters approaching bearing plates of food. Jenson perked up immediately at the sight.

“Food. Thank god. I'm starving.”

Mark gave Sebastian a smile at how easily their friend was distracted by his priorities. He did wonder though if Jenson wasn't right; if they looked back through those old photographs when they were team-mates would they see a hint of what was to come? A look in their eyes, an indication in their body-language. A reverse echo of this day, their wedding day. Could some fractional corner of his subconscious known all along? Maybe. Maybe that was why it felt so right, so natural. They were always going to be married. Always. Just like it said inside their rings. It was there on the inside.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Later that evening they settled into their flight seats together ready for the first leg of their journey going from London to New York. It was going to be a long night. They would leave Heathrow just after nine, spend eight hours crossing the Atlantic and arrive at midnight New York time before waiting to change flights and go against the grain of time again as they continued westwards to Denver for another few hours until their final hop over to Aspen where they were due to be collected and driven on to the small town near the chalet they had booked. Seb consulted the printed out sheet and checked the details over again.

“All good sweetheart?”

Sebastian smiled up at him and folded the document carefully into his passport and put it in his flight bag, tucking it away by his feet.

“Yeah, just making sure.”

“It'll be fine.”

“My head's gonna be so confused with the time.”

“Yeah. That's standard though isn't it?”noted Mark.

“Mm. True.”

“You didn't have too much of that champagne?” Mark teased.

Seb rolled his eyes.

“I only had sips to say cheers.”

“Good job really seeing as you hardly had any breakfast.”

“Just a big day that's all,” admitted Sebastian.

“Certainly that. All done now. We can just relax.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian dropped the side of his head onto Mark's shoulder and let out a little sigh.

“It's fine,” assured Mark. “We can have a nap now and when we finally get there we'll just have a lie down.”

“Just a lie down?” teased Seb.

Mark laughed and turned his head to give him a quick kiss.

“Whatever you like darling. We'll see how we're feeling when we get there.”

“I'm sure you'll find the energy from somewhere.”

“I have no doubt,” agreed Mark with a smile.

The air steward came round to check everyone was buckled in and they quieted while they went through safety procedures and the plane took off. Then they could undo their belts and snuggle up as they wanted, their two seats nicely apart from any others.

 

“Feeling tired?” asked Mark, thinking he was quiet and wondering if Seb needed to get more comfortable so he could sleep on the flight.

“Hm? Oh, no I was just thinking,” Sebastian admitted.

“Thinking?”

“Yeah.”

Seb turned a little more to him, speaking quietly so those seated around them couldn't overhear.

“What do we do about our names?”

“Our names?”

“Our surnames, or surname.”

“Ah. Huh. I hadn't thought about that,” confessed Mark.

“Well neither had I until they were looking at our passports.”

“Right. Yeah.”

“Because if we're married shouldn't we share a name too?” asserted Sebastian.

“I guess we should,” Mark agreed.

 

They both paused for a moment, then Mark shrugged.

“Just join them together I guess.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Don't you like that idea?”

“No I do.”

“I can't see us just choosing one.”

“No definitely both of us I think,” Seb agreed, thinking how strange it would be for either one of them to totally give up the name they had looked for on a thousand timing screens over the years.

“We could blend them,” suggested Mark. “What do you think? Fancy being a Vebber or a Wettel?”

Sebastian stared at him in horror until Mark cracked up laughed and Seb batted at his arm.

“Oh my god Mark.”

“Your face. That was hilarious.”

“It really wasn't.”

Mark was too busy laughing to notice the face Seb was pulling now. When he calmed down, he apologised.

“Sorry darling. Not funny. Okay. God, this really is the sort of thing most people talk about before they get married.”

“Probably people who took longer than a month to get married.”

“True.”

“Okay, okay, right, well...” Mark paused and shrugged. “One way or another I guess. Vettel-Webber or Webber-Vettel. What do you reckon?”

“I'm easy,” offered Sebastian.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It's all the same isn't it?”

“You don't care which name goes first?” checked Mark.

“Nope.”

“You're sure.”

“I'm sure,” confirmed Seb. “Do you care?”

Mark shrugged again.

“No spose I don't. As long as they're both in there.”

“It'll be strange though.”

“True, but we'll get used to it.”

“I like the idea. Like being properly married.”

“ _Like_ being properly married?” queried Mark.

“No I mean, ah I don't know, _part_ of being properly married,” Sebastian adjusted.

“Yeah fair enough. Okay. Right then Vettel-Webber, Webber-Vettel.”

 

Mark tried them out over and over in his head, trying to see what felt right. Either way it was going to take a while to adapt, but then all this was about adapting. A name was just as name as long as they made it theirs.

Between the two of them they sat there trying out their names with prospective surname combinations.

“Mark Vettel-Webber, Mark Webber-Vettel,” experimented Mark.

He shrugged.

“Works either way I think.”

“Okay,” nodded Seb. “Sebastian Vettel-Webber, Sebastian Webber-Vettel. Yep, same. It's fine. I really don't mind.”

“Maybe we should draw straws?” smiled Mark.

“Rock, paper, scissors?” offered Seb.

The two laughed again. Then Mark sighed.

“We can't pick it that way.”

“Ah well I don't know. I think they're both fine,” asserted Seb.

Mark rolled them over in his mind a few times. Then he realised he'd been saying his formal name; Sebastian, not Seb. So he tried that instead and burst out laughing.

“Oh no.”

“What?”

“Seb Webber-Vettel?”

Sebastian shook his head, still not getting it.

“Seb Webber-Vettel? Seb Web. _SebWeb_ ,” emphasised Mark.

Sebastian was hearing it in his own head now, the sounds running into one another comically.

“Oh dear.”

“Quite,” agreed Mark. “Well that does it. We can't have that.”

“Mm.”

“It's fine. Vettel-Webber it is.”

“You're sure?”

“Absolutely darling. Vettel-Webber: Mark Vettel-Webber, Sebastian Vettel-Webber, Seb Vettel-Webber. They're all good. I'm gonna find a biro and start practising writing it over and over in a notebook like a teenage girl.”

Sebastian scrunched up his nose at Mark being silly, but Mark wasn't one hundred percent sure he was joking. He _was_ going to have to practise it.

 

“Something else we'll have to sort out then,” noted Mark. “Officially I mean.”

“How do we do it?”

“Dunno. We'll find out. Can't be that hard. It's probably just another forms and documents job. I reckon we should be pretty good at that now.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“True, and our passports.”

“And for racing. God it's a lot really. Ah well we've got plenty of time when we get back. We don't need to worry about it now.”

“Okay and you're really sure you're okay with Vettel-Webber?” double-checked Seb.

“Yeah course.”

“It doesn't...” Seb trailed off.

“What?”

“It doesn't sound like I'm making myself sound more important because my name is first?”

“No.”

“You're not just saying that?”

“No darling. Do I lie to you?”

“Never.”

“So?”

Sebastian put his arm around Mark's front and squeezed in tight resting his head on Mark's chest. Mark kissed the top of his head and spoke quietly in his ear.

“Besides it's not your name going first. It'll be our name, both of us just the same, _our_ new name.”

Sebastian lifted his head to look at him.

“For our new family.”

“Exactly sweetheart. Our new little family. Our official start.”

Seb leaned back in, putting his head on Mark's shoulder.

“I like being official.”

“Me too,” agreed Mark softly.

He held onto Seb as they settled down. No doubt the press would make something of the detail about their name, adding undue layers of interpretation and speculation, but he wasn't lying, Mark really didn't care about it. They'd make their new name their own. He didn't give a stuff what anyone else's opinion on the matter was.

Sebastian snuggled in a little against him.

“You sure you're not tired?” checked Mark.

“I might just close my eyes for a bit,” Sebastian allowed.

“Yeah me too.”

 

Mark kissed his forehead and Seb smiled and kissed Mark's collarbone through his hoody top. They'd changed out of their wedding suits when they had nipped home to collect their luggage after their meal. All they'd had time for was to have a quick word with the construction manager who had hung on for them getting back, knowing they were going away (although not the reason behind it). They reminded him that Pauline would be in every day and gave him their mobile numbers in case of an emergency which he assured them there wouldn't be. After that all they had time for was to make a fuss of the dogs and apologise to them for leaving them once more. If they could have taken Shadow and Simba with them they would have done.

It was only half past ten, but it had been a long day. When Sebastian closed his eyes he felt it catching up on him. He stroked his cheek against Mark's hoody at his shoulder and felt safe and comfortable in his arms. With Mark holding onto him Seb thought he could genuinely sleep anywhere.

“Mein Fels. I do love you,” whispered Sebastian.

Mark gave him a little squeeze.

“Good job too, seeing as we're married now,” he teased.

“To have and to hold.”

“I'm hoping we'll be taking that very literally.”

Sebastian buried his laugh into Mark's hoody, then looked up to see him grinning down. As he saw Seb look up Mark gave him a wink and Seb grinned back before settling back down into him.

Mark rested his cheek into Sebastian's hair and closed his own eyes.

“I love you too my darling,” he affirmed more softly.

It didn't take them very long before they were both asleep, speeding high above the Atlantic, on their way.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


It felt a very long time indeed until they reached their final destination. Three flights, two layovers waiting around in almost empty airports in the middle of the night, and one four-by-four car collecting them and their belongings from the little airport in Aspen at the crack of dawn driven along snow-covered roads by a disturbingly cheery young man named Kurt and they were at very long last at their rented chalet somewhere on a snowy hillside part-way up a valley somewhere high in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado that neither of them thought they could find on a map.

Mark and Sebastian looked around them, blearily trying to make out their surrounding as the sun came up. The young man who had been ferrying their bags inside appeared by their side as they stood near the car.

“Okaly dokaly, all done.”

Sebastian turned to him.

“Hm?”

“Your bags.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

“What time is it here?” asked Mark, his brain far too confused by all the time changes not only from England to America but within the country itself.

The man looked at his watch.

“Seven thirty, am that is.”

Mark smiled at the additional detail. He did at least have that much down.

“Shall I show you around?” the man offered.

“Sure.”

 

They followed him inside the large wooden chalet, wiping their snowy shoes on the mat and taking them off, hanging up their padded coats on the rack to the side there. Once they were past the front entrance area the room opened up and Sebastian was glad to see it pretty much matched the pictures they had seen online. The man walked them through into the large open living space, two big squashy sofas covered in home-made looking cushions and throws facing into a huge open fire which was the only part of the building apparently made of stone, being comprised of chunky rough light and dark grey stones fitted together. The rest of the place was bare wood, thick enough to keep the heat inside. Just a few material hangings covered the wall in places, presumably examples of local traditional art. There were small windows dotted along the front in the direction they had come in, but to the side looking out over the valley, the entire wall was a huge plate glass window to enable the occupants to appreciate the view.

“Wow,” let out Seb as he went over to look.

Mark joined him and put an arm around Seb, both gazing out of the window to see the Rocky mountains spread before them.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“Pretty great isn't it?” offered their driver. “If you want to close the blinds the button is here.”

He picked up a tiny remote control from the coffee table and pressed it to demonstrate how previously unnoticed flat blinds could come down from the ceiling to cover the windows. Then pressed the button again to send them back up.

“The fire's made up ready for lighting and all you need to keep it going just there. If you want more wood there's some in storage round the side, just help yourself.”

“Great, thanks,” offered Mark, looking at the fireplace with extra wood kept in a basket to the side.

“Okay, if you want to come through?”

 

They followed him into a kitchen-diner, the style as rustic as the lounge. There were wooden counter units set around a cooker, a very large stand-alone fridge and a big wooden table and chairs in the centre.

“The fridge is full and there's plenty in the cupboards to keep you going, but if you need anything, give us a ring or just come on down to the office in the town. You can't miss us, we're right at the edge of main street and you can't miss that because it's the only street.”

He laughed at his own joke and Mark and Sebastian smiled politely.

“The wine-rack's full and there's beer, vodka and champagne in the fridge.”

Mark sent Seb a little tweak of his eyebrows at that making them sound as though they were alcoholics.

“We'll keep you stocked up, but there's also a convenience store in the town if you wanted to grab anything yourself,” continued their guide.

“Righto,” agreed Mark. “Sounds like we're covered.”

“Yeah you should be. Just have a look about,” he offered.

Sebastian and Mark opened and closed a couple of cupboards and drawers to see that they really should have anything they needed.

“All good?” asked Kurt.

“Yep think so. Mark?”

“Yeah mate, everything we need thanks.”

“I'll show you upstairs then.”

Seb turned to look at the kitchen before they left it.

“The dogs would like it here.”

“Yeah. Think they would,” agreed Mark.

 

Up the wooden stairs to yet more wooden rooms. He showed them a smaller room first which Kurt assured them was only an extra, then off the landing into a far larger room covering the whole floor space into the eaves on either side. There was a huge king-size bed and more rustic-style wooden furniture, everything over-sized and comfortable looking and Mark suspected, discreetly expensive without being showy. On the far side was a large window with wooden shutters that again looked out over the valley, the houses and other buildings that comprised the town looking small in the distance.

“How far is it into town?” asked Sebastian.

“Oh not too far, half a mile maybe. Easy walk. That's where you'll find the lift up to the slopes of course. If you want to call into the office later we can sort you out with your skis and everything else and you can let us know if there's anything else you need.”

“Ah.” Mark glanced to Sebastian. “You know what mate I think we might leave it until tomorrow. We're pretty knackered.”

“Of course. We're open on Saturday, but not Sunday morning. Church you see.”

“No problem. We can come by tomorrow can't we?”

 

Mark looked to Seb who nodded. It crossed both their minds that if the organisation was religious enough to close on Sundays then they might have opinions on them being a couple, but the man was perfectly polite and friendly, showing no sign of disapproval, so if he disagreed with them being together, he hid it well.

“Great, well then there's just the bathroom here.”

Their guide waved them through to a large bathroom just opposite. It was equipped with a bath as well as a shower and everything else they needed.

“There's plenty of towels there and more in the drying room.”

“The drying room?” stopped Mark.

“Oh. Ha yeah sorry I missed that off the tour. It's downstairs.”

He took them back down and they saw that around the corner from where their coats and shoes were left near the front door, there was another wooden door blending into its surroundings. Kurt opened it to show them a little room with a boiler that evidently heated the chalet. It was very warm in there as the heating was clearly permanently kept on. Along the side there were various wooden racks and hangers as well as a washing machine.

“So if you've been out skiing you can just leave your stuff in here to dry ready for the next day,” he explained.

Sebastian and Mark nodded as he showed them how the heating and washing machine worked and showed them out, asking again if they had any questions.

 

“I don't think so mate. I think we're just gonna crash out a bit today, get going tomorrow.”

“Sure. Well all your numbers are here.”

He pointed out a folder on a little dresser outside the kitchen, showing them the office number and an out-of-hours mobile number as well as a few other contacts.

“You can even get pizza delivered up here,” he added.

“Really?” asked Seb.

“Yep. One of the restaurants in town. They've got a quad bike and they'll go just about anywhere.”

“Sounds a fun job,” smiled Sebastian.

“Yeah there's worse ones I guess. We're not exactly a big place, but there's a few spots to eat in town, a couple of stores, The Redmont hotel, you can't miss that, and yeah that's about it.”

“Do you live here?”

“Yeah, we've got a little place just on the other side of the valley. My wife works in the office.”

“Oh right.”

Sebastian tried not to look too surprised. The man looked younger than him, barely mid-twenties. It seemed very young to be married, but who was he to judge? The guy certainly didn't seem unhappy.

“It's a family business then?”

“Yeah, my wife's mom and dad own it. I help with getting out and about.”

Mark laughed.

“So that means you get all the plum jobs like trekking out before dawn to collect us,” noted Mark wryly.

The man smiled.

“That's alright. I don't mind. Oh, here's your key. Do you need two?”

“No mate, one's fine.”

“Okaly. Oh and one last thing; there's a maid-service daily. Would you prefer morning or afternoon?”

Mark smiled.

“Oh I think afternoon, don't you?”

“Yeah for definite,” concurred Seb. “They won't be coming today?”

“No, you're all set for today,” confirmed Kurt. “That's fine then. I'll let them know. Right, well unless there's anything else?”

“Nope we're all good mate.”

“Do you want me to light the fire?”

“Oh no. To be honest mate we're just about done,” admitted Mark. “I don't even know what time it is in the UK now, but it feels like we've been travelling a hell of a long time.”

“Oh so you're British?”

Mark gave Sebastian a sideways glance, trying not to smile.

“Um, in a roundabout sort of way. We live there.”

“Ah very nice. Well then I'll leave you.”

“Thanks.”

 

The man let himself out and Mark and Sebastian were left alone. Seb smiled at Mark.

“British?”

“I suppose we are, sort of.”

“Very sort of.”

“Well we know he certainly doesn't recognise us,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. Not sure how he mistook an Aussie accent for British though?”

Mark shrugged.

“He can't get out much. Who says _'okaly'_?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Ah well he seemed nice enough.”

Mark glanced around him.

“Mm, and you like it here?”

“Yeah it's good. Great view.”

“Yeah. We'll get the fire going later, make it cosy.”

 

Sebastian moved in and fitted his arms around Mark's neck as Mark looked out over to the fireplace.

“Thank you.”

Mark's attention was brought back to Seb.

“What for?”

“This. Everything. Just, you know... everything.”

“Yeah.”

Mark smiled and linked his arms around Sebastian's back. They smiled at one another before moving in to kiss. Mark rested his forehead down into Seb's and they stood that way for a while until Sebastian lifted away.

“I think if I closed my eyes I could fall asleep just standing here,” he admitted.

Mark laughed and indicated upstairs.

“Shall we go to bed then?”

“Yeah. I'm just gonna nip to the loo.”

“Righto. I'll bring us up some water, yeah?”

“Yeah sure.”

 

Sebastian went up to the bathroom and Mark went to find two bottles of water in their well-stocked fridge. He put them on the bottom step and glanced upstairs before going back through into the lounge. Mark went over to the fireplace and moved the large basket of wood to see if he had spotted what he thought he had as they were shown around. There, propped up in the corner was a large metal poker for prodding the fire into life.

Mark's heart sank, but surely Sebastian couldn't have seen it or he would have been incapable of not reacting. Mark quickly picked it up, pushing the basket back into place. He crossed the room to the front door, shoved his feet into his shoes and as quietly as possible he opened the door to go around the side of the house where he buried it deep in the snow. Hurrying inside, Mark toed his shoes back off and silently shut the front door. He puffed out a breath and shook it off. He wasn't going to feel guilty about being a bit sneaky doing that. No way. It wasn't really dishonest to protect Seb was it? It didn't count. If he told Seb it would only upset him and there was absolutely no chance Mark was going to spoil the start of their honeymoon.

 

He picked up the two bottles of water and went upstairs to find the bedroom empty.

“Seb?”

The bathroom door opened to show Seb cleaning his teeth. He'd pulled off his hoody and jeans already.

“I put our bathroom stuff in here.”

“Ah right.”

Mark went over and joined Sebastian to clean his teeth and freshen up a bit, then they went back to the bedroom and spent a few minutes sorting themselves out, digging out a few more essentials from their cases and distributing them into the wardrobe, chest of drawers and the little nightstands either side of the bed so that the place felt a bit more as though it was theirs and they had everything they needed to hand. The rest of their unpacking could wait for now.

Mark handed him a bottle of water and Sebastian took a swig. Mark took a drink himself then looked over to where Sebastian had wandered towards the window. He walked up behind Seb and wrapped his arms around him, looking out where Seb looked.

“It's beautiful,” murmured Seb as he gazed out at the view.

“Yeah.”

Mark leaned around and kissed his cheek. Sebastian let his head fall to the side and Mark kissed down his exposed neck.

“Mmm.”

“Nice?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. Mark knew what he liked, how best to please him. He didn't really need to ask, but he still did. Seb turned around and rested his arms on Mark's shoulders. He lifted up on his toes and kissed Mark on the lips before dropping down again.

“Alright?”

“Yeah.” Seb paused. “Liebling can I say something bad?”

Mark pulled him in a little closer, worrying immediately.

“What?”

Sebastian looked up at him.

“The thing is... I really _am_ tired Liebling. I don't know which way is up.”

Mark let out a little laugh.

“That's fine sweetheart. I'm knackered too. Let's just go to bed, get some proper uninterrupted sleep, yeah?”

“Oh god that sounds good,” admitted Seb in a relieved voice.

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“It does, doesn't it?”

  
  


They helped each other peel off clothes and climbed gratefully into bed, neither caring that it was actually morning outside. Mark pulled Seb in close.

“Sorry Liebling,” apologised Seb.

“No really, I'm worn out too. It's travelling sweetheart. Never gets any easier does it?”

“No.”

Sebastian settled into Mark and stroked his hand over his chest under the duvet.

“I'm not sure getting some sleep is how a honeymoon is supposed to start,” he noted.

Mark smiled and wrapped his other arm around him.

“We're together. That's how a honeymoon is supposed to start.”

“Yeah. Guess that's true.”

“And we've got all the time in the world. No rush.”

Sebastian sighed out happily and closed his eyes, glad to know he wasn't letting Mark down.

“No better place on earth to be than here,” continued Mark, stroking his hand gently along Seb's arm. “Here with my husband.”

A wide smile swept across Sebastian's face though his eyes remained closed.

“My husband,” he echoed sleepily.

Mark kissed Seb's forehead and angled his head to rest by it.

“We'll just get some sleep.”

“Mmm,” mumbled Seb.

“We're going to need it,” Mark teased.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh against him and half-opened his eyes.

“For all that skiing we're going to be doing?”

“That's right darling,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian turned his head in to kiss the top of Mark's chest.

“M'tired.”

“Sleep,” whispered Mark.

 

It took no time at all for Sebastian to drop off. Mark stroked his arm softly over and over as Seb breathed steadily against him.

“Nothing bad comes near you ever again my darling,” Mark promised in an unheard hush. “I'll protect you, always.”

He closed his eyes, his breathing falling into the same slow rhythm as Sebastian's chest as it pressed into him. It only took a few minutes before Mark fell into as grateful a sleep as Seb, content and together.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and seeing as you've been so good all year I think I should share a few more honeymoon chapters if you'd like them?  
> Let me know if anyone has time to read them over Christmas!


	117. Home from Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here as promised, the start of their honeymoon...

  
  


  
  


Sebastian woke and opened his eyes. He was in bed, but not his bed, not his normal bed anyway. He was somewhere else yet again. That was true so many times in his life it was almost normal, but it wasn't quite. It always jolted him a fraction, shifted him off balance and reminded him that things weren't the same. To some of his colleagues in the paddock this added a frisson of excitement to their lives. They loved travelling so much that they embraced it and kept on wandering around the world even when they weren't doing so for work, but there was something deep inside Sebastian that longed for a place to call home.

It was why he loved the house he and Mark shared so much. It wasn't the bricks and mortar, though the house itself was a spacious and pleasant place to be. It was the feeling it gave him, the sense of belonging, a place of rest and comfort and love. The building was nice, but on its own it was just that; a building. It was what it represented that mattered.

Sebastian blinked his eyes and stared out at his surroundings to orientate himself and remind his sleepy brain where he was and why. He didn't panic when it didn't come to him right away. The waking terror that had gripped Seb when he had suffered amnesia after his accident had thankfully long since passed now, but being somewhere strange still always gave him just a moment's pause before he reminded himself it really was okay. Seb relaxed as he felt the arm wrapped around his waist, firmly holding onto him. He felt Mark's body pressed into his back as they lay neatly spooned in place. He felt Mark's breath tickling the hairs at the nape of his neck. All of which told Sebastian he was safe, he was cared for, he was loved. In all the ways that mattered, it told him he _was_ home.

 

Sebastian had automatically taken the left side of the bed as he did at home, just as he always had done from the very first time he had shared Mark's bed all the way back to over two years ago now. He didn't know why that was. Mark had never indicated any preference. It had just happened somehow and habit made it natural. It felt normal now. When Seb slept in big empty beds in hotel rooms around the world he continued the habit. The only time he deviated was when he had deliberately chosen to sleep where Mark had been sleeping previously in an attempt to cling on to him in his absence. Mark was here now though, his body warm and comfortingly close, reminding Seb that he was just where he ought to be.

He lay in place for a while, not wanting to disturb Mark, but as Sebastian felt the pace of Mark's chest moving against him alter, he knew Mark was awake. He heard Mark take in a deeper breath and let it out as a sigh before he felt him bury his face in Seb's hair and the arm around his body tugged him in a little tighter as Mark went through a similar process to Sebastian, reminding himself where they were and why. A smile spread over Sebastian's face as Mark softly kissed his neck just below his ear. He gently angled his head to allow Mark more access to continue what he was doing, until Mark paused, then Seb began to turn slightly, wanting to see him.

Mark loosened his grip to allow Seb to move and he swivelled around under the duvet to turn and face him, seeing a smile on Mark's face to match his own.

“Morning darling.”

“Morning Liebling,” Seb replied, then he let out a little laugh. “Is it still morning?”

Mark took in a deeper breath to get oxygen into his brain to wake himself up more.

“Hm. Dunno actually.”

Mark turned his head and glanced towards the window. It was still light, so they hadn't spent the whole day asleep. Beyond that he couldn't tell.

“Doesn't matter does it?” he noted.

“No, spose it doesn't,” Seb agreed.

Nothing mattered but pleasing themselves and pleasing each other. That was the whole point of this trip, their holiday, their honeymoon.

 

“Nice sleep?” enquired Mark.

Seb nodded.

“You?”

“Yeah.”

Much needed, thought Mark. He still felt slightly groggy, but the time change was going to mess with them a while longer, that was inevitable.

They looked into one another's eyes for a few moments, then Sebastian moved in even closer and rubbed his nose against Mark's, making him huff a little laugh. Mark skimmed his hand over Sebastian's side, up across his soft warm skin until it reached over his shoulder-blade and then lifted it to rest at the side of his face, brushing his thumb slowly over Seb's cheek. Those cheeks were back to being a little rounder again now, Seb's smiles back to being as they should be; full and happy. His Seb. His beautiful Seb. Really _his_ now. Forever. And he was Seb's. As it should be. As it was always going to be.

  
  


It took them a long time to do anything else other than lie there contentedly, not feeling the need to do anything, or say anything, only occasionally kissing. Sebastian's hand had gone to rest around Mark's back, lean just like the rest of him, the muscle solid beneath the skin. Seb let his fingers trail around, almost subconsciously. As he hit a certain spot it caused Mark to laugh and twitch slightly as it tickled and the little movement seemed to wake them up. They began to move against one another, hands began to wander more freely as their lips connected and the kisses became more animated and more urgent.

Mark was kissing Seb's neck in the way he knew always undid him and as he did so he slid a hand down between them to touch Seb and be sure he was as hard as Mark knew he was. Sebastian's breathing slipped and he felt the heat rush through his skin. He couldn't speak for a moment, then as Mark paused he took in a breath and kissed him firmly on the lips, then pulled away.

“Let me.”

“Hm?”

“Let me,” insisted Sebastian slowly but firmly.

Mark forgot about questions as Seb began kissing along his jaw, moving all the way down his neck to work his way along Mark's collarbone in turn until he reached his shoulder and a hand appeared there to push Mark gently down against the pillow so he lay flat.

Mark huffed a little laugh thinking that was fine by him if Seb wanted to take the lead. How could anyone object to this? He lay back and let Sebastian go on as he threw the duvet back and leaned over him to progress down his body, laughing slightly to himself at the way Mark reacted at certain points, always going there again to tease him. Mark angled his head on the pillow so he could see what Seb was doing, marvelling as he always did at the fullness of those lips as they kissed him; plump and gorgeous as they worked away, so careful, so soft as they pressed in, Seb's breath hot as it tickled the hairs on his skin. Mark saw the way Sebastian still glanced up occasionally, those wonderful blue eyes still looking for approval and encouragement.

He stroked his hand over Seb's shoulder and made sure to let him see his warm smile as Seb glanced up again.

“So good darling, that feels so ahh...” Mark gasped and laughed at the same time as Sebastian deliberately kissed harder just at inside the crest of his hipbone. “Oh my god.”

 

Sebastian grinned to himself as he saw Mark squeeze his eyes tight shut, already having to hold on. He repeated the action and got a satisfyingly strong reaction again, then kissed more gently so as not to send him too far too soon. They didn't want to rush this.

Seb never had to think about whether Mark wanted him. It was all too obvious. Sebastian in turn wanted to please him more than anything, wanted to make Mark happy, wanted to hear that snatched gasp and feel that twitch as he shifted his body to lie partly across him, barely knowing where his hands wandered as Seb stopped looking up for approval and relied on his other senses instead as he kissed down Mark's cock with agonising slowness and the softest of touches that he knew was enough to drive him crazy.

Mark's chest was already moving heavily, one hand clenched into a fist to distract his brain just enough to stay still. His other hand strayed over Seb's shoulder encouraging him to continue.

Sebastian did just that, working away to do everything he could to give Mark pleasure as he knew he could, but not let him go too far, lips and mouth and tongue and...

“Oh Christ!”

Mark's hand gripped Sebastian's shoulder desperately trying to get his attention, succeeding in getting him to lift away. Mark's eyes were wide open now as they met Sebastian's as he looked up. Mark moved his hands to push his upper body up. He let out a little breathy laugh as he did so and shook his head.

“Oh my god darling.”

Sebastian sat himself up and smiled back wickedly. Mark sat to meet him and shook his head as their faces came close together.

“Too much?” teased Seb.

“Very nearly,” Mark agreed, letting out a little laugh again.

 

He stroked his hand down Seb's arm and leaned in to kiss those talented lips, looking in his eyes to see a little happy glint there. Mark smiled as he lifted away, just letting things slow down a moment.

“Okay?” he checked.

Sebastian nodded back, his hand smoothing over Mark's side.

“Very.”

“Good.”

Mark gave him another little kiss, then reached away to find the lube he'd stashed in the bedside drawer. Sitting back up he gave Seb a smile.

“Like this sweetheart?”

Sebastian smiled back and nodded, pausing only another moment before decisively lifting up and putting his hands on Mark's shoulders to help lift himself to straddle him. He found a comfortable way to sit, winding his arms around Mark's neck to keep himself in place as they returned to kissing, more slowly now. Mark left it a while before he thought the time was right to move things on, reaching for the lube so he could begin to touch Seb to ease things along. They knew each other's bodies, could read the tone of a hitched breath to be certain if it was good or bad. Mostly good thankfully, but Mark knew when to pause just to give Sebastian a chance to adjust, not to push him too far or too fast. He whispered in his ear to remind him just how much he loved him, how much he appreciated him and how lucky he knew he was.

 

Mark moved his hand as gently as he could but Sebastian's eyes that had fallen shut opened as if in surprise and Mark stopped everything to just hold him in place and slowly stroke along Seb's spine to make sure he was completely relaxed.

“There now darling, okay?” soothed Mark.

Seb nodded and shifted slightly so he could kneel higher up, putting his hands on Mark's shoulders to help himself. Mark's hands went to his waist to keep him there and Sebastian smiled down at him, carefully shifting his hips forward to be in the right position before slowly lowering down while Mark assisted him to slowly push inside him. Seb let out a gasp and dug his fingers into Mark's shoulders, fire shooting through his skin. He looked into Mark's nice warm eyes to steady him and slow his heart-rate down a fraction and got enough of his brain processing to tell the muscles in his body to relax. Then Sebastian let himself lower down, his breath coming in sharper gasps as he did so.

Mark saw the way Seb's eyes fell closed and concentrated on rubbing his thumbs into Sebastian's hips until he had lowered all the way down and Sebastian reopened his eyes to look at him.

Mark gave him a smile and leaned in to kiss him again, deep and slow, letting Seb know there was no hurry here. Sebastian dropped his forehead into Mark's and allowed their faces to rest together until he pressed his lips to Mark's in a clumsy kiss, that went on and on, the two so close their eyelashes brushed. Sebastian only pulled away to haul oxygen into his lungs but Mark pursued the kiss, making Seb laugh a little as he did so before he pressed back in to help him, Seb beginning to slowly move his hips back and forth to get them going, moving just a fraction faster each time. Sebastian didn't notice the way his hands relaxed their grip on Mark nor the way he crossed the line where he stopped thinking about what he was doing and let the motion follow its natural course, his thighs working to rise and fall in time to meet Mark's hips as they flicked up over and over, making hearts beat faster and the blood sing in the veins.

Mark groaned and Seb knew he had to let go, bright lights were sparking. He didn't know if they were in his mind or if the light really was catching in the corner of his eye. That feeling of being just on the edge and the relief of allowing himself to go over, knowing he was safe, safe in Mark's arms. Seb felt all the muscles in his body melt away, his arms falling loosely around Mark's neck and his head dropping onto his shoulder, his face turned inwards and his eyes closing.

Mark was still moving but the rhythm slowed and steadied as his brain caught up and realised that the moment had passed. Mark took deeper breaths and felt the way Sebastian's chest copied his own, heaving in time as they pressed into together. He moved his hands from where they sat low around Seb's waist to stroke up and down his back. He could feel how rapidly Seb's heart beat, the muscles in his body fluttering just as rapidly. Mark tipped his head to the side to check Seb was okay and saw his eyes were shut. He smiled and dipped in to kiss Seb's nose, receiving a gratifyingly dazed smile in response despite the eyes remaining closed.

He angled his head the other way and let it rest against Sebastian's while they just hung on to one another and this feeling of blissed-out union for as long as possible. Mark closed his own eyes and let himself concentrate on the sensation and nothing else.

  
  


Seb thought he could fall asleep again right here, just like this. He hadn't realised how his head had slipped lower below Mark's shoulder, but he felt Mark kiss the top of his head and raised up a little to look at him to make sure Mark knew he was alright. Mark gave him a smile and stroked over Seb's cheek.

“Hey,” smiled Sebastian.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“There you are my darling.”

Sebastian merely smiled and lifted his head to give Mark a peck of a kiss and then squeezed his arms tighter around him, pressing his face back into the crook of his neck where it had been before.

Mark smiled and squeezed him back thinking that words were over-rated sometimes. He knew exactly what Sebastian meant.  
  


“I love you so much,” he whispered into his ear.

Seb took a nice deep breath, taking in the scent of Mark along with the oxygen he needed.

“Love you too,” Seb mumbled.

“I know.”

“Now you'll never let me go.”

“Never,” assured Mark.

“And we'll always be together.”

“We'll always be together.”

Sebastian let out a sigh. He knew it was true, but it was comforting to hear nonetheless.

Mark gave Seb's forehead a kiss, then he let go one hand from around Seb to pull the pillows to pile behind him so he could lower them back to rest slightly propped up. Sebastian stayed wrapped around him, not wanting to move an inch. As they angled backwards, Seb's head slipped a little lower to sit at the top of Mark's chest and he planted a kiss there before settling in place knowing Mark would never abruptly rush anything on with him unless Seb asked it of him. Mark smoothed his hands over Seb's skin unsure whether it was designed to soothe Sebastian or merely a subconscious way of extending the connection to him, feeling all of him for as long as possible. It was all either of them wanted.

  
  


  
  


  
  


They checked no phones, no watches for the time. It wouldn't make sense to them anyway and there was no need. There was nothing important on the agenda for today other than doing as they wanted to. Eventually they did get up and showered, dressed, and went downstairs to find some food. The name of the meal was unimportant, but it felt like a late breakfast although it was actually afternoon. Mark made tea while Seb found food and they sat together at the table in the kitchen much as they would at home.

Sebastian leaned into Mark's side as they finished eating, smiling up at him. Mark smiled back, then huffed a little laugh.

“I know what you're thinking,” he asserted.

“Oh?”

“Mm.”

“Go on then,” challenged Seb.

Mark gave him a teasing flick of his eyebrows, then answered.

“You're wishing the dogs were here.”

“Oh.”

“What?” Mark frowned.

“No, but that _is_ what I was thinking,” Sebastian confirmed.

Mark gave a tip of his head, then laughed again.

“I'm not psychic darling, it's just what I'm thinking. Here we are sat at the table and Shadow and Simba should be pressing in for attention and all the naughty titbits you feed them when you think I'm not looking.”

Sebastian opened his mouth to protest but he couldn't deny it, so he shrugged.

“I'm bribing them to love me.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“They love you anyway sweetheart.”

“Well I love them,” Seb confirmed. “And yes, it would be nice if they were here and I do miss them Liebling, but it's okay, this is still perfect.”

“Ninety-nine percent perfect,” offered Mark.

“Ninety-nine, point nine perfect,” adjusted Seb. “Actually no. It is one hundred percent perfect, but it would be one hundred and one percent if the dogs were here.”

“Very well. I think I'll take that.”

“Me too.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


A little while later they pulled on their outdoor gear and ventured out into the snow to get some fresh air and have a little look at their surroundings. Neither was particularly interested in seeing anyone other than each other just yet so they didn't bother walking down into the little town. Instead they walked along the slopes of their side of the valley, appreciating the spectacular mountain views in the sunshine.

Thankfully the chalets were well spaced out so they didn't need to go too near anything else other than the open snowfields. There were paths of a sort in places as well as the narrow lane, but even they were covered in snow, merely compressed down and slightly easier to walk on. Seeing as they were were wearing snow-boots this didn't bother them and Sebastian and Mark wandered around as they pleased in the deeper snow. They went a little uphill to get a better view over to the other side of the valley were the ski-slopes were. They stood together following the ski-lift with their eyes to see where it reached the top and played a game where they tried to spot a particular skier as a tiny dot coming down to see if they could track them all the way down. Mark laughed as Sebastian won another contest.

“I lost him half-way,” bemoaned Mark. “I thought my eye-sight was good, but yours is fantastic. No wonder you're such a good driver.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Maybe it was what he was wearing. You pick one this time.”

They played the game again, Mark winning this time. He narrowed his eyes as he turned to Sebastian who stood leaning into his side, Mark's arm around him.

“You wouldn't have _let_ me win would you?”

“I lost track of him,” insisted Seb.

“Hmm. Okay.”

Mark pretended to examine his face, but Sebastian held it straight. He wasn't going to lie, but if he told Mark the full truth it would be that he had invented his own sub-game whereby Seb followed the skier part-way, then looked away and tried to pick them up again spotting them further down to make it harder. In those terms he really had lost the game. Seb didn't think it was really dishonest just because he wanted Mark to win sometimes. The last thing he was going to say was that Mark's eyesight probably wasn't quite as sharp. That would be like highlighting his age and Seb knew Mark could be sensitive about that so he never made any kind of point on the matter.

“Shall we walk back over?” proposed Mark.

“Sure.”

 

They walked back in a diagonal direction so it wasn't so steep, heading towards their chalet. Mark had pulled his left glove off and Seb smiled, knowing to do the same on his right so they could hold hands properly as they walked. It always felt better to have real skin-to-skin contact, even if the air around them was genuinely freezing. They'd gone to the effort of pulling on their full outer ski wear and Sebastian particularly was having a bit of a time trying to negotiate the deepest snow piles they encountered when it went almost up to his knees.

Mark's longer legs made it a little easier and several times he had to help haul Sebastian along. Sebastian laughing and saying he thought it would actually be easier to have skis and attempt to coast over the top of the snow rather than walk through it.

“Tomorrow,” noted Mark.

“Yeah.”

“We'll just have a little run out in the afternoon once we've got all our stuff.”

“Sure. That sounds good. We can just try out the ski lift, find out where different slopes are see what... Argh!”

Sebastian's foot had plummeted down into some kind of dip that was hidden by the smooth over-coat of snow and his left leg disappeared without warning sending him toppling sideways in a heap. The tight hold he had of Mark's hand meant Mark was tugged with him and they landed together, Mark falling almost entirely on top of him.

“Oh my god,” exclaimed Mark in surprise before he remembered to put his right hand down to try to push up. “Sorry sweetheart.”

He looked down to apologise, but as he did Mark saw Sebastian giggling away. Mark shook his head.

“You did that on purpose!”

Sebastian shook his head, still laughing.

“No.”

Mark hid his smile and pretended to pull a disbelieving face.

“Oh, you got me,” joked Seb. “I snuck out while you were asleep and dug this deep hole just so I could sweep you off your feet.”

Mark laughed back and leaned in to give him a kiss, then propped himself up on his elbows smiling down at Sebastian thinking how great he looked. Cold weather suited Seb. Mark thought he looked adorable all wrapped up in hats and scarves, his cheeks pinked from the chill.

“My snow angel.”

Sebastian crinkled his nose at the compliment but Mark just laughed again and kissed that nose before finally pushing himself up and offering out a hand to pull Seb up and set them both to rights.

“Don't worry, that'll be me going for a burton tomorrow,” Mark pointed out.

“Ah no it won't,” Sebastian protested. “I know you'll be great. Besides we're only doing it for fun. We can just stick to the easy slopes.”

“The nursery slopes.”

“If you want,” shrugged Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well maybe not quite that bad, but yeah maybe start slow and build-up.”

“No problem.”

  
  


They made their way over more cautiously until they got close to the lane downhill which swept close to their chalet and Sebastian stopped to looked down into the town.

“Do you think it takes long to walk?”

Mark shrugged.

“Nah. Reckon only a couple of minutes.”

“Mm.”

“Course walking back up at the end of the day might be a rather different matter.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Were you wanting to go down to find somewhere for dinner?” wondered Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“No no, I was just thinking, that's all.”

“We could do?”

“Maybe another night,” offered Seb. “I'd rather just be us for now.”

“Sure. Me too,” Mark agreed. “Plenty of food in. We'll light the fire, cosy up.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Now that sounds perfect Liebling.”

“Yeah I thought so.”

 

They continued walking towards the chalet and Mark was presuming they were heading back indoors when Sebastian let go his hand and wandered a little further over on the uphill side to see how deep the snow was there. He pulled his other glove from his pocket to put it back on and scooped up a large double handful, just looking at the snow in the sunlight.

Mark had come over to join him and Seb saw the curious way he was looking down.

“It's so white here,” noted Sebastian.

“The snow?”

“Yeah.”

Mark furrowed his brow.

“Isn't snow always white?”

“It seems extra-white,” Seb insisted.

Mark smiled and shook his head thinking snow was snow, but Sebastian always looked for the finer details in things.

“Maybe it's the altitude?” he guessed.

“Yeah and no pollution up here,” Seb added.

“True.”

Mark picked up a scoopful of his own, then pushed the snow together with Seb's to make a ball. Sebastian smiled as he deposited it down.

“We should make a snowman,” he suggested, hoping Mark wouldn't think that childish.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yeah we can put our mark on the place.”

Sebastian laughed, forgetting his silly worry.

“My Mark.”

Mark huffed a laugh back.

“Yeah. Right you are then, both of us.”  
  


Sebastian nodded and they set about industriously rolling the little ball of snow around to build it up into a far bigger ball, leaving a trail of low squashed snow in their wake until they took it near the front door of their chalet and set it to sit neatly in place before going again to make a smaller ball to go on top and a smaller one again for the head.

It was fun to work together and Mark seemed to be enjoying himself as much as Seb so Sebastian knew he wasn't simply indulging him. They stood back and admired the structure. Mark put his arm around Sebastian.

“Right,” started Mark, “we need arms and some things to make a face and...”

Seb was off, running around trying to find stray stones at the edge of the lane and Mark shook his head at how keen he was. He wandered around the right side of the house and found the little storage area where wood for the fire was kept, pulling out some kindling sticks that suited their purpose. It crossed his mind that it was a good job that Seb hadn't gone digging around the other side of the house, but as he walked back over Mark saw Sebastian holding some little pebbles up in triumph.

“Eyes,” announced Seb, sounding pleased with himself.

“Oh well done darling. Right we are then.”

Mark stuck the wooden 'arms' firmly into the snowman's body while Seb carefully placed the stones into the ball at the top to make a face. Sebastian stood back and looked at it.

“He really needs a hat,” Sebastian observed.

“Well don't go giving him yours, you'll freeze.”

Seb sighed but he nodded.

“Come on. No slacking,” instructed Mark, “can't have him being all lonely.”

“No that would be sad,” agreed Seb.

They went about repeating their task, building a second snowman, placing it deliberately up against the other so they were a couple. Mark put the stick arms so they went around each other and dug his gloved hand down below the snow through to the grass and pulled up a little dirt to paint on a smile on each of them. Sebastian smiled and took hold of Mark's real arm.

“They're lovely.”

Mark smiled back at him.

“Which one's which then?”

“Oh that's you and that's me,” pointed out Seb decisively as he appraised which was the smaller of the pair.

“Yeah, think you're right,” Mark agreed.

 

He reached out and smoothed the dirt he'd put on to represent the nose on 'him' down a bit further. Seb frowned at what he was doing.

“Just giving him my big nose,” joked Mark.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“You don't have a big nose.”

Mark gave him a look, but Sebastian shook his head again.

“You don't,” he insisted. “It's perfectly in proportion.”

Mark laughed but Seb put a hand on him to balance so he could push up to kiss that nose. Mark smiled and let him, thinking how defensive Sebastian was of him, even when he was the one making a joke about himself.

“Alright darling, if you say so.”

“I do.”

Sebastian moved to put both his arms around Mark's neck to emphasise his point, but he chose a less compacted bit of snow to put his feet and he wobbled before he trying to get a firm stance, only succeeding in pulling Mark over again. Thankfully the pair landing sideways in the deeper snow where they hadn't rolled their giant snowballs.

 

Mark laughed as he looked at Sebastian who was still recovering himself from the surprise of toppling over again.

“Really darling, I'm starting to think you're doing this on purpose.”

Sebastian laughed back at him and pushed in closer rather than trying to get up.

“You make we weak at the knees.”

Mark chuckled and pressed in to kiss him, wrapping an arm around Seb before they parted with a sigh.

“I mean don't think I'm complaining,” smiled Mark.

“The snow's so deep here it's difficult to walk on,” tried Seb.

“Lower centre of gravity, you ought to be better than me.”

Sebastian narrowed his eyes.

“Maybe we'll find out when we actually go skiing.”

“Ah,” smiled Mark. “There's the competitive spirit I know.”

 

Sebastian smiled back, but he still had no intention of racing off on the slopes when he didn't know how Mark would get on. Mark would never have left him behind if it was the other way around. He didn't want to argue, so Sebastian leant in and kissed him, his arm going around to try to feel Mark next to him.

“This doesn't really work with all this padding on,” noted Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh and raised and eyebrow.

“Well if you think I'm taking it all off in these temperatures...”

Sebastian laughed, thinking how unlikely it was that they should repeat what had happened when they were staying out in Australia.

“Why don't we go inside then?”

“Warm up?” proposed Mark.

“Mm.”

Mark gave him another quick kiss then the pair righted themselves and they said goodbye to their snowmen to go back into the chalet.

 

Once inside they felt the dramatic contrast to the cold outdoors. The chalet was well-insulated, but the heating was regulated to keep the building at a warm enough temperature at all times. Mark and Sebastian removed all their outer layers and put them in the drying room before pausing.

“What do you want to do darling? Cup of tea and light the fire?” suggested Mark.

“Mm...” Sebastian sighed. “Can we have a bath?”

Mark put his hand at Seb's cheek and felt how chilled it was.

“Good idea, warm up properly.”

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian.

They headed up the stairs, Seb pausing again at the bathroom door.

“Liebling?”

“Hm?”

“I don't suppose you brought those bath-oils with you?”

Mark grinned at him.

“Ah you know what?”

“What?”

“I did.”

Sebastian matched his grin and pushed up to kiss him.

“Excellent.”

 

Not long after, they slipped into a nice warm bath, some of the many nice fluffy towels dumped to the side. Sebastian leaned comfortably back into Mark as he put his arms around him to prevent Seb from slipping away. Since their first attempt at this, they'd managed to work out roughly how much oil to put into the water to make it nice without completely losing control. Mark rested his head back on the little towel he'd balanced on the rim of the bath and hugged Sebastian close.

“Soon warm up darling,” he assured.

Sebastian turned his head slightly without wanting to turn his body when they'd just found a way of resting together.

He didn't say anything, he just smiled and Mark gave him a wink back, making Seb laugh. Mark leaned in to kiss him and Sebastian turned despite his previous intention. He giggled as Mark tried to keep hold of him, loving the way Mark's hands smoothed over his skin. Seb put his arms around Mark's neck and simply lay on top of him for a moment to settle himself before switching to carefully fit his knees either side of Mark. He slipped slightly against the bottom of the bathtub and the pair of them laughed as Mark tried to grab a hold of him, sitting up a little to do so.

“I don't know how eels have sex, but they deserve points for effort,” joked Mark.

Sebastian laughed and finding enough stability, risked letting go of Mark to smooth his hands over Mark's skin, rubbing over his shoulders and down his arms, feeling the strong muscles beneath. Mark in turn began to massage Seb's back.

“Mmm,” sighed Sebastian.

Mark smiled and repeated the motion over and over, heading lower each time, feeling how Sebastian relaxed with it. Seb moved his hands to skim them over Mark's chest, loving how it felt, all slick at his touch. Mark began to massage his hands lower, down to Seb's arse, grinning as Sebastian's breath hitched accordingly. He slid him in closer and Sebastian's hands went back to attempt to hang on around Mark's shoulders. They started to kiss and move against one another, their skin sliding with delightful ease in the oily water, making them feel weightless and free.

Sebastian's breathing started to speed up as they moved together, holding on as best he could to Mark. He dropped his forehead into Mark's and forgot about kissing him for a while as they moved, Seb pressing his body against Mark's and rubbing into him. Mark reached blindly for the lube he'd dumped on the side and trusted that Seb had a secure enough grip to allow him to set to work, loving the way being like this resulted in Sebastian being even more supple and relaxed than usual. It all felt so natural and took such little effort, Mark was inside him before either of them really knew it and they were moving together, their slick bodies pressed in frictionlessly sliding against one another.

Sebastian's arms had gone around Mark's neck to keep himself up, their foreheads and noses aligned as they breathlessly kissed in time with their movements. Seb's thighs worked away to keep lifting, pressing slightly against the side of the capacious bath to stay in place. Mark's hands gripped him, taking hold under Seb to propel his movements, helping them move faster. Neither one of them paid any attention to the water splashing over the side when they had far more pressing concerns. The oil in the water allowed Sebastian to crush himself in tight to Mark, just on the edge of being too slippy and sliding away, encouraging them to hold on even tighter.

Mark was listening to the tone of Sebastian's hitched moans growing higher in pitch, the movement against him becoming ever more frenetic, all his muscles beginning to tense again. He snatched a kiss and groaned into it as he came, Sebastian letting go at that, no thought given to how they were breathing as they messily locked in tight.

Sebastian's arms were tight around him, his face dropped into Mark's as the pair of them fought for air. Their bodies stayed pressed together, chests moving heavily in time as they recovered oxygen. Neither had the energy or inclination to speak, they just stayed together as Mark leant them back, Seb like a limpet against him, only strength enough left to hang on.

Seb dropped his head into the crook of Mark's neck and felt the way his arms wrapped around to hold him in place. He closed his eyes and relaxed, concentrating only on breathing, knowing he could trust Mark to not allow him to slip too low into the water.

 

Mark left it until Sebastian stirred slightly and began to stroke his cheek softly against him. He smiled and let go one hand from holding onto him to smooth his palm over Seb's back. Sebastian moved his cheek against Mark again in response, making Mark smile at their silent communication. It took a while for Sebastian to raise his head to look at him.

“I just want to sleep. Why do I always want to sleep?”

Mark huffed a laugh and moved his hand to stroke Seb's arm. He couldn't find a way to put it into words, but there was something supremely gratifying about the way Seb let go so completely with him that he needed a re-set.

“I don't know sweetheart. It's just the way you are. It's fine. Do you want to get out?”

Sebastian shook his head slightly against him. The water was still warm and it felt so nice pressed into Mark like this, no way did he want to leave.

“Okay. Just lift up a sec.”

Mark put his hands to Sebastian's waist to help shift him so they could settle comfortably. Seb curled into his chest, his body still turned into Mark's, the side of his head resting on his chest just above the water line. Mark stroked his hand over Seb's arm where it lay across him.

“Sleep if you want to darling. I've got you.”

Sebastian let out a contented sigh and closed his eyes as Mark continued to gently slide his hand back and forth over his arm. Mark smiled as he felt the pace of Seb's chest breathing in and out slow right down and he knew he was asleep. Asleep and in his arms, trusting Mark entirely to take care of him. What bigger ego boost was there, Mark wondered. None he could think of. He kissed the top of Sebastian's head and lay watching him safely sleeping.

  
  


  
  


 

It was an hour later that they were were up and pootling around downstairs, wearing the towelling dressing-gowns that had been hanging up in the bathroom. They ate a few bits and pieces in the kitchen, not interested in bothering with a proper meal, then took their mugs of tea through to the lounge to light the fire. It was getting dark outside so Mark let Seb have a play with the little remote control to close the large window blind while he set about lighting the fire without needing to put the light on. Sebastian deposited the button back where he'd found it and came to sit with Mark in front of the fire on the soft rug there. He turned into him and slipped his hands around Mark's middle and put his head on Mark's shoulder. Mark put his arms around him in turn and they sat together, not talking much, just watching the fire burn merrily in front of them while they let go of one another only enough to enable them drink their tea.

Eventually they set the empty mugs aside and strayed from looking at the fire to looking at one another. Sebastian lifted his head and Mark leaned in to kiss him, each turning in a little further to make it easier. As they went on, Mark slid a hand inside the front of Seb's dressing-gown, sending it around his middle, making him laugh.

“Sneaky,” teased Seb.

“Should I stop?” asked Mark, already knowing the answer.

“No.”

“Good.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a flick of his eyebrows as he moved to slowly undo the knot tied on the dressing-gown belt. He eased the material covering Seb's shoulder away and began kissing there before working his way along to the other side, slipping Seb's dressing-gown off on the other side too so more skin was exposed for him to enjoy. Sebastian smiled and let him go on until Mark decided to undo his dressing-gown entirely.

“Here?”

Mark shrugged up one shoulder.

“Why not?”

Seb glanced at the fire a few feet away and Mark smiled and gave him a little kiss.

“It's romantic.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and nodded.

“Okay.”

“Good. Oh look what I happen to have in my pocket.”

Sebastian coughed with laughter as Mark casually produced the bottle of lube from his large dressing-gown pocket.

“What a coincidence,” noted Seb ironically.

Mark grinned and gave him a wink. The idea had definitely crossed his mind when he'd picked it back up in the bathroom.

“I'm very practical.”

“Good thing too,” agreed Seb.

 

Mark kissed him as he eased Sebastian's arms out of his dressing-gown, not needing to look as he did so. Seb smiled into the kiss and let Mark do whatever he wanted. He felt warm and safe, Mark's hands slow and gentle as they relieved him of his cover. He felt the dressing-gown slip away and reached to undo Mark's dressing-gown in turn. Mark huffed a laugh, thinking fair was fair and paused to help pull it off, then reached to straighten Seb's dressing-gown out on the floor behind him before slowly lowering him down to lie on it, one hand cradling the back of Seb's head, the other his back.

Mark propped himself up to admire the sight for moment, leaning over him. He brushed Seb's cheek and gave him a smile.

“Are you tired darling?”

Sebastian smiled back softly, and trailed a hand down Mark's arm at his side.

“A bit,” he admitted.

“We don't have to,” offered Mark, but Sebastian shook his head.

“Like this though,” Seb requested.

Mark knew what that meant. There was a difference to being passive and asking Mark to do most of the work. That was fine by him. He nodded and leaned down to kiss Seb. On the mouth at first, then working his way down, marvelling at how Seb's skin felt even softer than usual. It smelt of the bath-oil, but that wasn't unpleasant. It encouraged Mark to recall all their previous intimate moments, the scent intoxicating as he crawled over him and kissed Sebastian's stomach, smiling at the way it made Seb laugh and the vibration turned him on even more. Mark looked up to see Seb's round cheeks and the way his nose crinkled up as he laughed, the light from the fireplace illuminating him in a soft glow. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, and all his. He wanted _all_ of him.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian head tipped back, his mouth open loosely as he fought for air. Mark was heavy above him as he lay collapsed on top, his body finally stilling.

“Fucking hell,” breathed Mark, his chest heaving against him.

Seb would have seconded that if he'd had it in him, but he was too exhausted. It felt as though every last particle of energy had drained from his body and he couldn't even lift his head to look at Mark properly. That had been pretty full-on when frankly Sebastian had still been recovering from the last time. His mind was reeling, but there was a part of it that recognised the contradiction of clinging on even tighter to Mark whilst at the same time knowing it would be easier to breathe if he pulled away.

Mark dropped his head to rest alongside Sebastian's and the two of them took a few moments held in place before they could muster enough sense to do anything else. Mark lifted his head to look at Sebastian, then copied Seb's usual action and affectionately rubbed his nose against Sebastian's to get him to smile at him, then gave him a kiss.

“I'm squashing you darling.”

Sebastian simply let out a sigh and Mark nodded, lifting carefully away as Sebastian untangled his legs and arms from around him. Mark lay down on the spread out dressing-gown and carefully pulled Seb to lie with him. Sebastian went to set his head against Mark's chest while Mark reached for his own dressing-gown to cover them. He couldn't quite get hold of it so Mark sat up a little and as he reached over to take a hold of the dressing-gown he had to lean around Sebastian who wasn't budging from pressing into him. Seb's back was to the fire and as he glanced down Mark saw how dark pink his shoulder-blades were.

“Oh darling, I've hurt you,” gasped Mark in horror.

 

Sebastian frowned and dragged his head away from Mark's chest to haul himself up to sit with him.

“Hm?”

Mark sat up properly and leaned round, casting his hand as gently as he could over Seb's pinked skin, looking at it with concern. Sebastian twisted to try to see.

“What is it?” he asked.

“You can't feel it?” checked Mark.

Seb twisted further to see where Mark lightly stroked his fingers. It did feel a little tender, as if the sun had caught it, but his whole body still felt strange and tingly and Sebastian wasn't sure his brain was really properly receiving all the right signals yet.

“It's okay,” Seb reassured.

“It doesn't hurt?”

“No Liebling I'm fine.”

Mark still frowned a little, thinking he'd got carried away there.

“Carpet burns,” he diagnosed with a sigh, his hand continuing to hover over his skin.

Sebastian put his hand to move Mark's from worrying there.

“I'm fine,” he promised firmly, looking into Mark's eyes to convince him. “Really Liebling don't fret. Besides it's not carpet.”

Mark gave him a look, thinking the surface wasn't the issue.

“It's just a little rub, it'll fade,” insisted Seb.

 

Sebastian guessed his skin had still been soft from lying in the water so long, then the friction of lying here, the weight of both of them as they moved, going into his shoulders had worn at where they made contact. A little too much friction in the wrong places. Another kind of friction had been occupying him at the time. He really hadn't noticed, but then Seb's mind had been elsewhere and clearly so had Mark's. Mark shook his head thinking that a towelling dressing-gown clearly hadn't been the best surface to lie on.

“I'm so sorry darling.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and put a hand at the side of Mark's face.

“It's fine Liebling. I promise, okay?”

Seb looked at Mark sincerely, then twisted again to check for himself.

“It's not a burn, it's just a little exfoliated.”

Mark huffed an unexpected laugh and kissed him.

“You're sure?”

“Absolutely Liebling. It really doesn't hurt, I promise. I'd have said.”

“You would?”

“Of course I would,” vowed Seb. “That's the rule isn't it?”

Mark smiled and relaxed a little.

“Yeah that's the rule.”

He let out a sigh.

“Okay. And nowhere else?”

“Huh?”

“You're not hurt anywhere else?”

“Oh. No.”

Sebastian could see Mark still looked a little concerned so he gave him a smile.

“Do you want to check?”

 

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded, so Sebastian lay out flat on the floor on his stomach so Mark could examine all down his back. Mark couldn't see anything else in the firelight to worry him, although he was tempted to turn on the light to be sure. He knew that would be making a fuss though and Mark didn't think Seb was lying to him so it was probably just him fretting. Sebastian's head was turned to the side and he pushed up a little on his elbows to look at him.

“Okay?”

Mark nodded and smoothed his fingers all the way down Seb's spine following them with his eyes. He gave Sebastian a smile.

“I'm just being distracted by the view now.”

Seb huffed a laugh and went to turn on his side, but Mark shook his head.

“Hang on. I need to do something don't I?”

Seb frowned a little but he rested back down, smiling as he felt Mark lean over him and delicately kiss each shoulder-blade.

“Sorry darling,” Mark whispered again, but as he looked back he saw Sebastian was smiling. Mark gave him a smile back, then went back and kissed each shoulder-blade again lightly, then worked his way all down Sebastian's spine. As he got lower Seb started giggling and Mark huffed a laugh himself at the sensation and chose to carry on until he got all the way literally to the bottom and Sebastian was vibrating with laughter beneath him.

 

Mark lifted up and dropped down to lie next to Seb again, their faces close together.

“There. Have I made it up to you?”

Sebastian grinned at him.

“Yes. Not that you needed to Liebling.”

Mark stroked his cheek and smiled, glad more than anything to know he really was okay. He slid a hand underneath him and pulled Seb to lie partially over him, picking up the spare dressing-gown this time without interruption. He pulled it to cover them without going too high over Seb's back. Mark sighed and Sebastian stroked his hand over Mark's chest as he looked up at him from where he rested into him.

“It's alright,” Seb assured.

Mark stroked down the side of his face again.

“I think I got a little carried away,” he admitted.

Sebastian huffed a laugh against him.

“I'm not going to complain about enthusiasm Liebling.”

“No, well... Just so long as you're okay.”

“I am. I'm just worn out now.”

Mark huffed a laugh in reply, thinking how they had rather been making up for lost time this afternoon.

“I'm pretty worn out myself.”

“Mmmm.”

Sebastian smiled against him, then lifted his head a little to look at Mark.

“I do take one thing back though,” he retracted.

Mark tipped his head and frowned.

“What?”

“Maybe it's a good job the dogs aren't here. I think watching that would have traumatised them for life.”

Mark laughed and leaned in to kiss him.

“True. It would rather put me off my game too.”

Sebastian laughed against him and snuggled in.

“I need a little rest Liebling,” he mumbled into Mark's chest.

“Will I have to carry you up to bed?”

Sebastian smiled and kissed where he lay.

“Maybe.”

“Yeah.”

Mark held him carefully in and turned his head to the side to rest it down against Seb's. He hoped he really was okay. Mark would never forgive himself if he thoughtlessly hurt him in any way. Mark closed his eyes and said a little prayer of thanks that it seemed he hadn't.

Seb moved sleepily against him and Mark stroked his hand over his side. The fire made the room warm and he really was tired now. Mark let out a sigh and fell asleep.

  
  


  
  


They woke up as the fire died down and the room grew cooler. Sebastian gave a little shiver against him and Mark was about to tug the dressing-gown higher to cover him when he remembered. He lifted his head to look and Mark frowned as he saw Seb's shoulders still pink. As he lowered his gaze back down he saw Sebastian looking at him and Mark knew he was being chided for fretting.

“Are you cold?” he asked instead.

“Hmm.”

“Shall I put the heating up?”

Sebastian shook his head and sat up.

“Let's go to bed.”

“You're not hungry?”

“No. Are you?”

“Not especially,” Mark agreed. “Let's go up then.”

 

He lifted the dressing-gown that had been covering them and in a reverse of earlier, Mark very carefully sat it around Sebastian's chafed shoulders, unable to hide how he looked to be sure it didn't hurt Seb. Sebastian fitted his arms through the sleeves and shifted so Mark could get the other one out from under them.

“I think I could do with a quick shower Liebling.”

“Yeah me too,” Mark agreed.

They helped each other to stand and Mark recalled what Sebastian had said before.

“I'm not really going to have to carry you am I darling?” he checked.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Not just yet. Though once start skiing as well you might.”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“That's a deal.”

  
  


Sebastian took his hand and led Mark upstairs so they could clean up ready to go to bed. As they stepped out of the hot shower Seb caught Mark looking again and he turned to try to see his back in the steamy mirror.

“They're very pink,” observed Mark, torn between feeling guilty and not wanting to upset Seb by making a fuss.

“No big deal, okay,” assured Sebastian calmly. “It's just a little accident Liebling. We got a bit carried away. Alright?”

Sebastian gave him a firm look of those blue eyes and Mark knew he had to accept it. He passed Seb a towel and they dried off and cleaned their teeth ready to go to bed. As Seb hung up the towels and dressing-gowns to dry ready to stick in the washing machine the next day Mark opened up the little bathroom medicine cabinet and went through the contents, finding it included little things like spare toiletries and toothbrushes in packets for guests who forgot them as well as plasters and paracetamol, thoughtfully included. On the middle shelf he found a little tub and opened it, reading the side to be sure.

“Moisturiser.”

Sebastian looked at him and frowned.

“Are you saying I look tired?”

Mark shook his head.

“No. Turn around.”

Sebastian did as he was asked and Mark opened the jar, only to pause.

“Actually, no, let's go through and you can sit down. It might sting.”

Sebastian turned back around and realised what Mark was saying. He took the jar from Mark to check its contents, then nodded assent.

  
  


They sat on the edge of the bed, Sebastian still holding the little tub of moisturiser.

“Don't you want it?” Mark asked.

Seb wasn't sure he did if it would sting, but his shoulders really didn't hurt, they just felt as though they were slightly aglow. Perhaps something cooling might be an idea, then they'd go down and Mark would stop worrying. He handed the jar back to Mark and turned his back to him.

“I'll just try a little bit,” offered Mark. “Promise you'll tell me if it's painful.”

Sebastian twisted his body round to assure Mark.

“I've always promised,” Seb reminded him as he looked at him.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark gave him a kiss and smoothed his arm. Then as Seb turned back around he reopened the jar to dip his fingers in and very tentatively dab the tiniest amount onto Seb's shoulder-blade. Sebastian sat perfectly still, but Mark checked anyway.

“Okay?”

“Fine Liebling.”

Sebastian turned his head and gave Mark a nod before turning back. This time Mark took a proper dollop of cream onto his fingers and smoothed it onto Seb's skin. Sebastian hissed a little and Mark snatched his hand away.

“Seb?”

Sebastian turned around.

“It's just cold.”

Mark shook his head and sighed.

“Okay no more dressing-gowns. Who knew they could be so bloody hazardous?”

Sebastian smiled, thinking he could point out that it wasn't technically the dressing-gown that was the originator of the issue, but he knew that wouldn't help.

“No more dressing-gowns,” he agreed, “not as beds.”

“No. Alright. Shall I go on?” Mark asked.

Seb nodded and turned back around to let Mark continue, softly smoothing a thickish layer of moisturising cream over his skin.

“Okay, all done,” assured Mark.

Seb glanced over his shoulder, then turned to face Mark properly.

“Thank you.”

“Well I'm not sure you should be thanking me,” Mark noted.

“Yes I should. It'll make it better. You're very thoughtful Liebling.”

“I think the thoughtful thing would have been not to hurt you in the first place.”

“You haven't hurt me. It's just a little rub, and as I recall we were both there Mark.”

“Hmm.”

Seb put his hand on Mark's arm and leaned in closer.

“I know you would never deliberately hurt me and I've promised you I'll never let you accidentally hurt me. This _doesn't_ count.”

Mark took in a deep breath and let it out before nodding. He had to trust Sebastian. That was the other part of the rule.

“Okay, bed then,” he agreed.

 

Sebastian nodded so they turned out the lights and slipped under the covers together. Sebastian rested lying his front into Mark's chest as he had done downstairs, hooking a leg over Mark's to hold himself in position. Mark pulled the duvet to half cover them, leaving Seb's shoulders exposed and wrapped his arms around Seb's lower back.

“It'll be gone in the morning, you'll see,” assured Sebastian.

“Hopefully not.”

“Huh?”

“Hopefully I won't see anything,” Mark explained.

“Oh. Right. I think I'm too tired for riddles Liebling.”

Mark huffed a breath out and let go one hand from around him to place it over Seb's hand where it rested on his chest. It occurred to him that Seb knew what pain really felt like. He wasn't likely to whine over something he didn't consider real. Mark still felt bad about it, but then he also knew Seb knew the difference between deliberate and unintentional injury. Just so long as he was okay in the morning. Mark moved his his thumb over the back of Sebastian's hand, soothing himself until he fell asleep.

  
  


  
  


  
  


The first thing Mark did when they woke the next day was ask Sebastian to sit up so he could look at his back. Seb pulled a face at him fretting, but he did as requested, hoping against hope that his skin had calmed down overnight. He turned his head to look over his shoulder but it was hard to tell so he looked up to Mark instead for his verdict.

“So?”

Mark let out a breath and smoothed both hands down either side of Seb's upper arms, then kissed each shoulder-blade.

“Mark?”

Mark wrapped his arms around Sebastian, sinking his chin to rest his head alongside Sebastian's.

“You look fine. Guess you just took a layer of skin off.”

Seb smiled with relief. Such a tiny little thing, but he knew that him simply telling Mark it wasn't an issue wouldn't work. Mark had to see with his own eyes. Sebastian turned his head a fraction and folded his arms up to cover Mark's. He gave him a smile.

“Told you didn't I?”

“You did darling, that's true.”

“So we can forget all about it.”

“Yeah okay,” accepted Mark.

“Good.”

Sebastian moved his arms from over Mark's and turned further round to give him a kiss, both of them feeling relief for slightly different reasons.

“Right Liebling, I am starving,” stated Seb, decisively changing the subject.

Mark smiled back at him.

“Yeah me too. Shall we get up then?”

“Yeah.”

 

  
  


 

Mark deposited two large plates filled with scrambled eggs, bacon and toast onto the table, then turned to pour the tea. He'd insisted on making breakfast and Seb thought it best to let him, knowing it would make Mark feel better despite the fact he really had nothing to feel guilty about. Mark was just about to pick the mugs up and turn around when he felt two arms sneak around him and a body press into his back. Sebastian burrowed his cheek into Mark.

“Mein Fels. I love you so much.”

Mark put his hands over Sebastian's, then turned around so he could face him and give Seb a kiss. He gave him a look and Sebastian knew he was asking him a question.

“Because it bothers you Liebling.”

Mark sighed and put his arms around him.

“What kind of person would I be if it didn't?” he asked.

Sebastian looked at him, thinking he knew only too well what kind of person that would make him. Mark couldn't be further from that.

“Not the person I married.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well...”

“And you made me breakfast.”

“Which is going cold sweetheart,” Mark smiled.

Sebastian nodded and took a half-step away. Mark handed him a cup of tea with a kiss on the cheek and they went to sit down.

“Right, no more fussing,” instructed Mark, talking to himself as much as Seb. “Tuck in.”

Seb nodded and did as he was told. Food had never tasted so good.

  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And a happy Christmas to you all!
> 
> (Oh & if you don't celebrate Christmas, well, you get a little present anyway, hope you like it)


	118. Safe Balance

* * *

  
  


 

They walked down to the town on the Saturday as arranged and found the office of the company that looked after the chalets. It reminded them of their chalet though it was a building of brick, not wood. It was homey and welcoming with the usual desks and computers accompanied by folksy decorations that marked it out as a family, rather than a corporate, business. As soon as they walked in a young woman with long blonde hair jumped up to greet them, introducing herself as Lacey. Mark and Sebastian smiled and introduced themselves in turn, but it seemed she already was already expecting them.

An older woman from the other side had come over to join them. She smiled and shook their hands.

“We thought you'd be in. The boys are through the back, just checking everything's ready for you,” she explained.

“Ah right, thanks,” offered Mark.

“This is my mom Bridget,” smiled the younger woman.

Mark and Seb said hello while Lacey called through an open door at the rear of the main office and the young man who had collected them yesterday and a man in his fifties with a shock of white hair appeared. Kurt said hello and repeated the information his mother-in-law had just told them while the older man came over.

“Hey, you must be our new arrivals,” he smiled, offering out a hand to shake. “I'm guessing you're Sebastian and you're Mark.”

Mark frowned at him knowing who was who, but Sebastian smiled, working out that as they'd just been preparing their ski equipment, their relative size gave them away. He shook the hand.

“Hi. Yeah it's Seb mostly.”

“Right,” nodded the man, “and I'm mostly known as Snowy.”

Sebastian tried not to laugh, but the man ruffled his white hair and smiled.

“Yeah you guessed it. Swear I turned snow-white overnight when Lacey became a teenager.”

“ _Dad_ ,” complained his daughter, shaking her head while the rest of the family laughed at what was clearly an in-joke to tease her. She sighed and gave her husband a look. “You can stop laughing buddy. You need to get going to the airport again.”

Her husband smiled affably and nodded to Mark and Sebastian.

“That's me told. Guess there's no rest for the wicked. Good to see you guys again. We've got everything ready out back.”

“Thanks.”

“I'll sort you out,” offered the older man.

 

Mark and Sebastian followed his lead to go through the open door while Kurt pulled his jacket on and kissed his wife goodbye, collecting up some paperwork before he left the office, presumably the details of their next guests he was collecting. Through the doorway was a room filled ski equipment; skis and poles and boots neatly stored away with little paper tags attached indicating their size. On the far side of the room there was another door with a wooden bench by it. Their host started picking up some equipment set to one side, giving Mark and Seb another quick look over to see that the measurements they had been sent with the booking seemed to match the men he had in front of him.

“Right then Seb, this is for you.”

He passed him some skis and a set of ski-poles for Sebastian to hold, sizing him up with a glance and giving him a nod.

“Looks about right to me,” the man declared. “You happy?”

“Sure,” agreed Sebastian.

“And you said helmets?”

“Yes,” replied Mark.

“Here you go then, you'll need to adjust them to fit properly.”

The two removed their woolly hats to try them on, feeling a little silly as they stood around indoors, but knowing it wasn't something they could go without, no matter how easy they were going to take things.

“They're not compulsory round here,” noted Snowy, “but more and more folks do these days.”

Sebastian finished tightening the straps on his until it felt secure, then undid the helmet and took it off.

“We're pretty used to wearing helmets I guess.”

“Oh you ski a bit at home then?” asked the man.

Mark and Sebastian smiled at one another, strangely pleased at how unrecognised they were.

“Something like that,” offered Seb vaguely as he handed the helmet back.

 

“Right. Boots then. If you want to try them on?”

He handed a pair of ski-boots over and indicated over to the bench. Sebastian took a seat and pulled his ordinary snow-boots off and set about trying them on while the man went through the same procedure with Mark. The man hovered about while they tried them for size, Mark fiddling about trying to get the clasps right while Sebastian stood to try walking in them.

“They always feel so weird,” Sebastian commented as he looked down to Mark.

Mark nodded and tried standing himself, feeling how clamped-in his ankles were and how difficult it was to walk.

“Maybe put them a bit looser until we're actually skiing?” advised Seb.

“Oh, yeah good point.”

Mark tried to bend down to do so and nearly toppled over in the process so Sebastian got him to sit while he ducked down and adjusted the boots for him. That done, Mark stood again and nodded.

“Yeah that's better.”

“Just don't forget to tighten them to ski,” offered Snowy from the sidelines.

“Sure.”

Mark smiled, thinking the nickname was very literal, but he wasn't about to forget it in a hurry. They were at least very friendly which was nice.

“Now then, are you both good with those? We've got plenty of others if you need a different size.”

“I'm good,” replied Seb. He looked to Mark. “You?”

“Yeah fine. Just need to get used to trying to walk in them.”

Sebastian smiled to the man.

“I think we're fine then.”

“Great. Okay so I don't know if Kurt explained yesterday, but you can either hang on to them all the while or keep them here, save carting them up the hill each day.”

“Ah right, no he didn't mention that.”

“Well it's up to you. If you want to leave them here we'll be in from eight thirty until five thirty each day apart from Sunday when it's from one.”

He went over and opened the back door which led out into a snow covered space that as Mark peered round, you could see went around the side of the building to the front where they had entered.

“Easiest way is through here. Door's not locked, but just give us a shout so we know you're around,” requested the man. “This can be your spot.”

He pointed to a space along by the door with little wooden boxes like umbrella stands, above which was a long wooden slatted shelf with slots for names to be fitted in. There were several empty ones and a few with names already hand-written on pieces of card fixed above so there should be no mix ups.

“That all sound alright?” checked Snowy.

“Sounds great,” agreed Mark.

“Good, well do you want to keep them on?”

“Oh, um.”

Mark looked to Seb who spoke up.

“I think we might just have a look around town first.”

“Right, well you can call back in for them. I'll just see about your passes and you'll be all set.”

 

Mark and Sebastian sat down to take the ski-boots off again before going back through to be presented with their ski and lift passes in little holders that clipped onto their ski jackets for easy access. They thanked their hosts and told them they'd return after they'd had a little look around the town.

The older woman smiled.

“Won't take you long.”

“Well anyway we'll just have a look.”

  
  


They reminded them that they would be back and headed out into what comprised the main street of the little town. The ski-lift complex was only a hundred yards away at this end, but as you turned right there were a few shops selling ski equipment and little touristy gifts as well as a general store that appeared to be more for locals than visitors. Further along there were a couple of restaurants that seemed to have double functions as bars.

Then at the end there was the large Redmond hotel which stood out from all the rest as it was designed in a mock-Alpine style with a huge pitched roof. With its five floors it seemed a little odd to be dropped in here, but Mark noted that the businesses in town probably relied on its guests for trade. The road down this end was cleared of snow and there was a large car park that was full of four-by-fours and other cars which Mark and Sebastian suspected belonged to visitors who came from further afield.

“It's actually bigger than I thought,” observed Mark.

“Mm, yeah but they've got to keep going haven't they,” suggested Seb. “I guess we're on the quiet side of the valley.”

“True. I'm definitely glad we're up out of the way.”

Sebastian took his arm as they turned around and walked back through the town.

“Me too Liebling. I like it just being us.”

“Wouldn't fancy being in the hotel then?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. I get so sick of hotels, don't you?”

“Yeah I really do,” agreed Mark. “Right then, shall we brave the slopes or do you want to stop somewhere to eat?”

“I'm still full of your enormous breakfast,” smiled Sebastian.

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Come on then, let's go get our stuff and you can show me how good you are at skiing.”

“I'm not that great.”

“Hmm.”

“It's been ages.”

“Well I bet you're still better than me.”

Sebastian looked up to him.

“You can ski though?”

“Yeah, just...”

“I can give you some tips,” offered Sebastian.

“I'm sure you can,” smiled Mark. “Right, here we are then.”  
  


Their hosts had been correct, it didn't take long to cover the town and within a few minutes they were back at the office. They went in and sorted their kit out before heading off for the ski lift, walking awkwardly in their ski-boots, their normal boots left behind. Mark commented that It felt like astronauts walking on the moon, especially as they were all padded out in salopettes and thick ski-jackets against the cold. It felt even colder once they had succeeded in slotting themselves into the ski-lift seat, hanging onto their skis and helmets with gloved hands. As they got going the lift floated up above the snow-covered trees and they both let out a little sigh of relief. Sebastian laughed.

“It always comes as a shock somehow, like someone scooping you up.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “You don't want to mistime it or you'd get knocked over like skittles.”

Sebastian laughed again and leaned into him.

“Colder today,” he commented.

“Yeah.”

Mark pinned his stuff between his knees and let go one hand from holding onto them to put it around Sebastian and they cuddled up against being so exposed as they travelled up to the top.

  
  


When they arrived at the summit they succeeded in jumping off safely with their equipment and found a space further over where they could sort themselves out. There were a lot more people up here, all clustering around the ski lift, a café with tables set on a wide terrace outside and a small ski school building. Groups and families were hanging around getting lunch or starting lessons and as Mark and Sebastian re-arranged themselves, tightening their boots and stomping into the fittings on their skis, they looked around them.

“It's nice,” noted Seb.

“Yeah, much more lively than the town,” Mark agreed. “Guess we had a later start than most.”

 

Sebastian shrugged. He was more than happy they'd kept things unhurried. He looked over to where a group of children were lined up facing their instructor to the side, all practising some stationary manoeuvres and Seb remembered doing that himself when he was little. One small boy of perhaps seven stood on the end wobbled and went over and Sebastian was torn between laughing and wanting to rush over and pick him up, but the instructor stood in front of the boy and merely looked to see he could right himself without offering help.

“He's fine,” observed Mark seeing exactly what Seb was looking at.

“Yeah, course.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Learning how to pick yourself up. Most important lesson.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh, knowing how true that was.

“Yeah.”

“I suspect I'll be doing plenty of it,” noted Mark.

“Ah no you won't. We'll take it easy.”

“Sure.”

They looked at the map display board explaining the levels of all the routes. Sebastian turned to him.

“We can go on the nursery slope first if you want?”

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“I'm not quite that bad. Besides all those little whippersnappers will be on there causing chaos. Far safer on the main slopes.”

“Yeah alright. Well we'll build up.”

“Sure.”

 

They pulled off their hats and fitted on their helmets, shoving the woolly hats into pockets and adding sunglasses to deflect the glare of the sun on the snow. Mark tried out just scooting over on the skis using the poles to propel himself and saw Seb smiling at him.

“Yeah I know.”

“You just need to get into the swing of it,” advised Sebastian.

“Mm.”

“Downhill's easier. We'll go slow.”

“Yep, okay then.”

 

They headed on over away from the busier area at the top to find the start of one of the easiest slopes down, pausing at the top to admire the scenery. They weren't at one of the highest resorts in the region but it was still an impressive view across the Rocky Mountains. Mark looked at the way Sebastian gazed contentedly out and was glad they had chosen to visit.

“Pretty cool huh?” he offered.

“Yeah, amazing. You know Lewis goes on about round here, but I never knew how big it was.”

Mark smiled.

“America. Everything's big.”

“Yeah spose so. Right then Liebling. You ready to give it a try?”

“Will you pick me up?”

“I won't need to.”

Mark nodded, trying to remember all he'd learnt in a couple of previous attempts.

“Like riding a bike, yeah?” he suggested.

“Sure. Come on then,” prompted Seb.

 

They set off, slowly at first, Sebastian sticking close by Mark as they criss-crossed the slope avoiding other skiers as they zig-zagged slowly lower, gradually working their way downhill. Mark struggled on the turns at first but he watched what Seb did and listened as Sebastian called out a few points of advice and the more he did it, the greater Mark's confidence grew and by the time they were half-way down their speed was far better. By the time they reached the bottom some twenty minutes later Mark had relaxed considerably. They pulled up to a stop and he only wobbled slightly as he cautiously turned while Sebastian skidded abruptly to a halt with a little shower of loose snow. Mark was about to make a joke of it when Sebastian beamed at him.

“See you can do it. I knew you could. Shall we go again?”

Mark huffed a laugh at his enthusiasm.

“Sure sweetheart. Bit faster this time.”

“Righto.”

 

They skied slowly over the almost flat area heading back to find themselves rounding a small copse of trees to return to the edge of the town and the ski lift ready to head back up. Mark smiled at Seb as they queued for the lift.

“You're a good teacher,” praised Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“You know what you're doing.”

“Rusty.”

“Meh, me too.”

Mark knew Sebastian was being nice and that he could doubtless go far faster, but that wasn't the point. They were just meant to be having fun, getting some air in their lungs and doing a little incidental exercise along the way.

  
  


They spent the afternoon repeating the same activity; looping up and down the mountain, getting gradually faster and trying out slightly more challenging slopes. Only once did Mark go over when he hit an unseen mogul, his skis sliding sideways out of control as he went over the rise, dumping him into the snow with a bump. Seb stopped dead and sidestepped back up the slope to rescue him, helping to haul Mark to his feet. It had taken Mark by surprise despite his earlier avowal that he was expecting to go over, but as he saw Sebastian's concerned face all that went away. He took the offered hand and clumsily got to his feet.

“I should have warned you, sorry Liebling,” apologised Seb.

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“Nah, no biggie. Don't think I'll be trying any jumps out though.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Me neither. If I so much as twist an ankle I think Antti would kill me.”

Mark rolled his eyes at Seb's priorities.

“Not the best reason for self-preservation sweetheart.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“You know I can never tell when he's joking.”

“No, well let's not find out shall we?” suggested Mark.

Seb nodded and retrieved Mark's ski-poles for him ready for them to try again.

“You're alright aren't you?” he checked.

“Course. Come on, next time round we can stop for a drink at that café, have a little rest.”

“Sure.”

  
  


Half an hour later they sat in the sunshine at the café at the top, each nursing a warm drink as they looked out at the view, ignoring the chatter all around them and thankfully being ignored in turn. They'd replaced their helmets with woolly hats again and Mark pulled his mobile phone from his pocket to take a picture of Seb smiling and holding up his drink in a cheers gesture. Then the two of them leaned in and attempted a selfie, pulling their sunglasses off to smile for the picture. As Mark put his phone away he was surprised to see the time.

“Wow. It's gone four.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Time flies.”

“Do you want to head back?” checked Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“No rush. Couple more goes after this, what d'ya reckon?”

“Sure.”

They finished their drinks then put their helmets back on and did two more loops down and up again before it felt as though the light was starting to fade and the air that had been sharply cold before began to feel more bitter. Deciding to call it a day they called in at the office to leave their things and had a brief chat with the owners answering their friendly enquiries about how they'd got on before beginning the walk back uphill to their chalet.

  
  


Half-way up what passed for the lane through the deeper snow Seb paused.

“My god, I'd forgotten how much to takes out of your legs.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“I'll say.”

He gave Sebastian's hand in his a little tug.

“Come on, nice warm chalet waiting for us.”

They trekked the rest of the way up, grateful at least for their movement being slightly easier now they were out of the restrictive ski-boots. As they approached the chalet Seb nodded at the two snowmen still standing guard outside.

“Hello SnowMark, hello SnowSeb.”

Mark chuckled and put his arm around him.

“Don't suppose they've been having as much fun as us this afternoon.”

Sebastian smiled at him and they headed indoors, leaving the snowmen in the cold. As soon as they stepped through the door they felt the contrast to how much warmer it was and Mark flicked the light on, realising that it was almost dark out now. They dumped their boots and outer layers in the drying room and Seb went to pull the towels and things out of the drier only to find them gone.

“Huh. Guess that was the cleaner. She must have put them back.”

“Oh yeah, forgot about that.”

They went through to the lounge and saw that the fire had been rebuilt too. Mark smiled.

“Now that's service. Shall I light it?”

Sebastian nodded and they ducked down by the fire, Seb watching with continued fascination to see how it caught and began burning nicely. As they stood Sebastian huffed a laugh at how they looked stood in their under-skiwear; socks and long-johns with high necked under-shirts.

“We look like we're in our Nomex fire-suits.”

Mark glanced down at himself and nodded.

“Feels familiar doesn't it?”

“Yeah.”

“You wanna get changed?”

Sebastian shrugged. He always felt at home sloping about in his race underwear and these felt just as comfy. Instead Seb found the remote to close the large blind for the night and they both felt as though they were set for the night.

“You hungry yet or do you just want a cup of tea?” offered Mark.

“Hm.” Sebastian thought, then perked up. “You know what I fancy?”

“Oh?”

“Hot chocolate.”

Mark smiled.

“Ah very good then.”

“I'll make it,” offered Seb and led the way into the kitchen.  
  


Mark smiled at how keen he was. It wasn't something they'd usually drink, but it seemed appropriate here. Sebastian was already digging through cupboards as soon as he entered the kitchen so Mark stood back and let him get on with it.

“Is there a special technique?” Mark teased as Seb carefully lined up his ingredients.

Seb turned to look at him.

“Oh, well just what my mum always did.”

“Righto. Can I help?”

“Course.”

Sebastian poured out some milk into a small pan and put it on the stove.

“Can you keep an eye on this, give it a stir?”

“Sure.”

Mark did as required and watched as Sebastian measured teaspoons of cocoa into a jug, then added a couple more of sugar and added just a splash of milk before stirring it into a smooth paste. Sebastian peered over to see if steam was rising from the warming milk while he picked up a whisk.

“This all looks very technical,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“It's nice. It makes it all frothy.”

Mark nodded.

“Think this is warm now.”

“Okay can you pour it slowly in here while I whisk?”

“Sure.”

Mark carefully poured the milk in a little at a time while Sebastian rapidly whisked the mix together, the dark brown liquid lightening and frothing up nicely just as he'd said. He passed Sebastian two large mugs for him to pour it into and smiled as Seb looked pleased with the result.

 

“Very nice darling.”

Seb passed him a mug.

“Try it then.”

“Sure.”

Mark took a careful sip of the hot liquid, Seb smiling as he got froth on his upper lip.

“You have a moustache.”

Mark grinned and tipped his head to the side to pose.

“Do I look dashing?”

Sebastian giggled and shook his head.

“Damn. I was going for Graham Hill,” lamented Mark.

Sebastian laughed some more as Mark wiped it away with the back of his hand, then took a drink, deliberately getting some froth on himself.

“Me? Am I rocking the Keke Rosberg look?”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“You look like your dad.”

“Oh god no!”

Mark cracked up laughing while Sebastian cleared his face. As he settled down, Mark kissed Seb's now non-chocolatey lips.

“You don't really look like your dad.”

“Thank god for that.”

“Not that your father isn't great, but...”

“I don't want to look like him.”

Mark smiled.

“I'd be pretty weirded-out if you did darling.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and indicated over to the door.

“Shall we go through?”

“Yep.”

 

They went to sit on the sofa together, watching the fire burn merrily as they sipped their hot chocolate.

“It's very nice by the way,” praised Mark. “Smooth, very professional. Must be a German thing.”

“Maybe. Like I say, it was just how Mum did it. It reminds me of getting in from school when it was cold in winter when I was little.”

Mark smiled softly, imagining how cute little Seb must have been.

“That's nice. Not much call for hot chocolate where I grew up,” he noted.

“No, spose not.”

Sebastian rested his temple on Mark's shoulder and looked up at him.

“Do you miss Australia?” he wondered.

Mark let out a long sigh.

“I dunno mate, sometimes yeah. Other times... Yeah I dunno. It's been a long time since I lived there. I'm very happy where we are in England.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah.”

Mark smiled and put his arm around Seb.

“It's home. I wouldn't really want to move now, even practical racing stuff aside.”

“It's our home,” concurred Seb.

“Yeah. I think that's the point. It's ours. I like that. I mean maybe I miss the nice weather occasionally, but I've got used to the seasons and I love the countryside round us. I'm happy where we are darling. It's my family I really miss.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We'll see them in March,” he reminded.

“Yeah that'll be good.”

“And I like the idea of having everyone over in the summer, having a celebration of some kind.”

“Make it up to them?” smiled Mark.

“Well yeah, but having all the family there together if they can come. That'd be nice wouldn't it?” suggested Seb.

Mark nodded.

“Your mum and my mum?”

“I'm sure they'll get on.”

Mark laughed.

“That wasn't what I was worrying about.”

“Worrying?”

“Well not worrying, but... well they're bound to gang up on us.”

Sebastian smiled.

“It'll be fine.”

“Yeah. Anyway, what do you fancy doing? Do you want some big shindig?”

“Dunno. What do you want?”

Mark puffed a long breath.

“I'm not fussed as long as the right people are there. We could just have something at home couldn't we?”

“Yeah that'd be nice. We could have a barbecue,” Sebastian suggested.

Mark laughed.

“British summer?”

“Yeah but it doesn't matter does it? Worst comes to the worst we've room inside.”

“True,” Mark accepted. “Yeah okay that sounds like a plan. Get the family over whenever works during the break, see if some of our friends can make it too.”

Sebastian nodded.

“That sounds nice, nothing too fancy.”

“No, not very us is it?”

“Nope.”

“I'm sure we can still fit a holiday in,” suggested Mark.

“Mm, but that's not as important. I like the idea of doing something they'd enjoy, especially since we left them out of the wedding.”

“I'm sure they'll be okay.”

“Mm.”

Mark leaned his head in, not wanting Seb to worry.

“It'll be fine darling.”

“Yeah okay. Anyway I like an easy plan. All we'd have to fix up would be dates.”

“Exactly. There we go there, job's a good'un.”

 

Sebastian huffed a laugh at the expression. He lifted his mug to chink against Mark's to seal the deal, then downed the rest of the now lukewarm hot chocolate, putting the empty mug down on the coffee table so he could snuggle into Mark who deposited his own cup and squeezed Seb in, giving him a kiss on the forehead.

“I like that we do things our way,” noted Seb.

Mark nodded.

“Sitting around in our pants drinking hot chocolate?”

Sebastian tsk'd and raised his head from Mark's shoulder to look at him.

“Just being us. No show.”

“Well it's not for anybody else is it? I don't think our families would be relaxed at some fancy do anyway would they?”

“No. Low-key's much better,” Seb confirmed.

“Yeah.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss thinking that though he made a joke of it, them sitting around as they were really was very 'them' too; no glamour, no wild parties, no showing off, no one but themselves to make happy.

  
  


Sebastian took his hand and gave Mark a little pull to encourage him to lie down on the sofa with him, the pair snuggling in to fit. Mark tucked a cushion beneath their heads and they wrapped their arms around one another. Mark smoothed a hand over Seb's thin top as they faced one another.

“You know what this reminds me of?”

Seb smiled.

“Being in my room at races, or yours.”

“Yeah. Minus the fire of course.”

“Mmm. I like the fire though.”

“I'll have a word at Porsche, see if we can build one in,” joked Mark.

“I'll speak to Christian,” added Seb.

“Good. Least they can do really.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh, then rubbed his cheek into Mark's shoulder.

“It's almost the best bit of my weekend,” Sebastian confessed as he looked up at him.

“Better than the racing?”

“Sometimes yeah.”

Mark gave him a squeeze. Thinking how that meant Seb must miss him when he had to be alone at races. He really had to see how many races he could come to in the coming season. As many as possible that was for sure.

 

Sebastian shuffled down a little and leaned over him so he could rest his ear over Mark's heart as he used to in his room at races when all the stress was getting to him and he needed the comfort. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Mark stroked his hand repeatedly over Seb's arm and they lay there for a while until Mark spoke.

“It'll be easier this year.”

Sebastian sighed against him.

“It will be,” repeated Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Everything's going to calm down and we'll just live our life, back to normal.”

“Better than normal,” insisted Seb.

“Yeah.”

Seb rubbed his cheek into Mark's chest, making him smile. Mark angled his head down to kiss the top of Seb's hair causing Sebastian to tip his head up to look. He wiggled back up and shifted to lie on top of Mark, making him laugh.

“These are very thin clothes darling.”

Sebastian pushed himself up on his arms to lean over Mark.

“Are you complaining?”

“No definitely not.”

“Good.”

 

Sebastian dipped in and kissed him before settling his body down and extending the kiss, Mark smoothed his hands around his waist above the thin top before sneaking them inside and stroking over the small of Seb's back. They went on for a while until Sebastian unconsciously began to move his body into Mark's.

“Darling.”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian lifted up from kissing the corner of Mark's jaw to see him smiling.

“What?”

“Not that I'm criticising, but if you carry on like that...”

Sebastian smiled at him innocently, making Mark laugh.

“You know what you do to me,” reminded Mark.

Seb raised an eyebrow and quite deliberately lowered his hips into Mark's to feel precisely what he did to him. Mark took in a sharp breath, then tickled Sebastian's side in revenge, which unfortunately had the effect of making Seb wriggle against him which naturally only made things worse, or better, depending on your point of view. Mark closed his eyes for a second, trying to compose himself.

Seb leaned in and whispered in his ear.

“You have the same effect on me Liebling.”  
  


Mark sighed and this time when Sebastian ground down into him he couldn't stop himself raising his hips to meet him, causing Seb to let out a breathy little gasp that made Mark smile in turn. He stilled them and looked at Sebastian.

“Should we go upstairs darling?”

Seb gave a little shake of his head. No dogs around, nobody there but them, why should they move?

“I like it here. I like the fire.”

“Ah.”

Mark paused, thinking they weren't going to be repeating yesterday's mistake, but maybe here was okay? They way Seb was pressing into him right now Mark wasn't even sure he _could_ move. He was just about to say something else when Sebastian gave him a quick decisive kiss, then surprised him by climbing off.

“Seb?”

“My turn to be practical,” Sebastian explained.

“Ah, okay.”  
  


Sebastian nipped upstairs then ran back down to deposit the very practical bottle of lube on the coffee table and dropped himself back down on Mark who laughed and 'oof'd' at the same time, tickling his side encouraging Seb to wriggle on top of him again before they picked back up where they'd left off. Mark resumed kissing Seb, beginning to move with him, hands sliding beneath the flimsy clothes before shedding them altogether.

Mark managed to push himself up and pulled Seb to sit in his lap, still sideways on the sofa. Sebastian felt a little precarious balanced like this, but he knew why Mark was doing it. Mark's hands were shifting him into position to straddle him and then sliding lower, reaching to touch him and before Seb knew it he was closing his eyes, his breath hitching and his chest working harder as Mark reached for just the right spot to make him forget everything but hanging on.  
  


He knelt in place, letting his thighs do the work as Mark held onto him, helping Seb move in time. This all worked fine until they got half-way through and Sebastian sagged into Mark with a breathy sigh.

“Mark, Mark I can't. My legs, really Liebling I need to lie down.”

Mark slowed and stopped, trying to pull his brain into gear as he heard the appeal in Seb's voice. He glanced to the side and thought that at least the sofa was made of a softer fabric. Sebastian dropped his damp forehead into Mark's and he could feel how tightly Seb was hanging onto him. Mark pressed in a kiss and lifted his head slightly away so he could see him.

“Please Liebling?”

Mark stroked a hand over Seb's back.

“It's fine. It's fine darling.”

“My thighs,” appealed Sebastian.

Mark looked at those big blues and knew there was never a chance he'd ever be able to say no to them.

“It's okay sweetheart, just lean back alright?”

Seb took in a breath and did as instructed, Mark trying his best to help manoeuvre the pair of them so that Sebastian lay back on the sofa with him on top instead.

“Better?”

Sebastian let out a sigh and nodded. Mark dipped his head in to kiss him then put a hand to stroke at the side of his face, just letting them settle for a moment and making sure Seb was happy. He was tempted to ask if it was going to chafe his shoulders again, but Mark didn't want to break the moment, he just had to trust him. As Seb lifted his head to kiss Mark in turn he smiled, knowing everything was okay.

He slowly began to move, nothing too frenzied, just easy, smooth, steady. Focussing instead on how good Seb felt and how he responded to every move he made, the little noises Seb made getting higher in pitch. It drove Mark on as it always did, but he forced himself not to let himself get swept into getting carried away again too soon.

It was better like this, better slow, better to take the time to move the two of them until he got it just right and Sebastian gasped and bucked beneath him making Mark grin before he did it once more, and again, hearing his cries grow louder and Seb's eyelids flutter just as the muscles in his body did. Mark slowed once more and saw the way Seb's head tipped back exposing his neck, inviting Mark to kiss there. He didn't need any more invitation than that, so Mark slowed once more and focussed instead on kissing him there, feeling his pulse jump and telling him with far more than words that Seb was happy.

Making Seb happy; his most important priority. Surely nothing felt better?

  
  


 

Mark had pulled Sebastian to tangle up with him on lying the sofa, Sebastian more on top of him again now. As they slowly came out of their shared daze, Seb tipped his head to look at Mark and noticed him peering round.

“Are you looking at my back?” challenged Seb.

Mark wanted to deny it, but he knew he couldn't so he just gave him a little tip of his head.

Sebastian shuffled further up to look at him.

“Stop fretting Liebling.”

Mark sighed and Sebastian shook his head.

“Fine, look then,” he insisted.

“No it's okay.”

Sebastian was pushing himself up.

“No come on, I don't want you worrying. I know I'm fine but you need to know, so look,” he instructed.  
  


Mark puffed a breath, knowing Seb was having to be patient with him when he was on the one over-reacting to a tiny little incident. Sebastian pulled Mark up, then sat with his back turned for him to check, so Mark did what he had to and looked in the fire-light to see for sure that Sebastian was really unaffected. He smoothed his fingers over Seb's shoulder-blades, then leaned round to kiss his cheek.

“Thank you sweetheart. I know I'm being a worry-wart.”

Sebastian turned round to face him.

“Nothing to worry about, yeah?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Mark.

“Good.”

Sebastian raised his arms to fit them round Mark's neck and gave him a kiss.

“I love you for caring Liebling,” Seb reminded him.

“Well I'm just glad I managed to not drop you off the sofa.”

Sebastian giggled and fitted his arms round Mark's middle to squeeze in.

“Antti would be very cross with you.”

Mark huffed a laugh and hugged Seb in.

“I don't care about Antti.”

Sebastian grinned and pressed in tighter to him. He didn't really care either.

   
  


  
  


The next day they settled down into what was becoming their routine; getting up late, having a lazy very late brunch in the kitchen, then heading down to the office after midday to collect their gear before getting the ski-lift up to the top and amusing themselves on the slopes of gradually increasing difficulty. Mark improved more quickly than he expected, though as Seb pointed out, someone as athletic as him was bound to adapt well. They still didn't push too hard, but they did begin to have little races over a couple of hundred yards to various stopping places. Mark suspected Sebastian wasn't going as hard as he could, but he knew that wasn't the point.

  
  


  
  


By the Tuesday they finally felt like venturing out a little bit, so when they called in at the office after their afternoon's skiing, they asked about the restaurants in town.

“Can we just rock up, or do you need to book?” Mark asked.

“Ah you should be fine,” answered Snowy blithely.

His daughter raised her head from where she was entering some figures on her computer.

“Um, the hotel's pretty busy Dad.” She looked to Mark and Sebastian. “If you're making the effort to walk down I'd book to be sure. We can do it for you. Were you thinking tonight?”

“Oh, um yeah. Seb?”

Mark looked to Sebastian by his side who nodded.

“Yeah so any in particular you'd recommend?”

“'The Hickory's nice if you want it a bit fancier.”

 

Lacey looked to her husband who was just walking in from sorting things out in the back room.

“They want a recommendation for dinner tonight. I was saying 'The Hickory' maybe?”

Kurt paused and gave his wife what neither Mark nor Sebastian could miss was a distinct look before he replied.

“Yeah you know what they're a bit uptight, you'd probably have more fun elsewhere,” suggested Kurt. “Red Mountain Grill is good if you like steak.”

Sebastian could see Mark wanting and not wanting to ask what they were missing out saying at the same time, so he answered instead.

“That sounds good doesn't it Mark?”

“Hm? Yeah.”

“Unless you're vegetarian?” asked Bridget. “The other place further on is Italian so they'd have more variety.”

“No we're not veggie, you're fine.”

“So there then?” asked her daughter. “I can call them and book you in?”

“Um, sure,” Mark agreed.

The young woman picked up her phone and made a quick call, lifting her head to check what time they wanted before confirming and giving them a smile.

“You're all set.”

“Thanks,” offered Sebastian.

“Yeah, we'll be off then. Thanks,” Mark added.

“No problem.”

 

They headed out into the cold air to begin their walk back, but when they got outside Mark stopped and shook his head.

“What?” frowned Seb.

He paused and then sighed.

“You know what he meant about the restaurant?”

Sebastian looked blankly at him and Mark really didn't want to explain, but he'd started now.

“That they're uptight,” Mark emphasised.

“Oh.”

Sebastian heart sank a little bit as he belatedly realised: Uptight meant prejudiced.

“Do you think they wouldn't have served us?” Seb wondered.

Mark put his arm around Seb at seeing his crestfallen face, wishing he'd kept his annoyance to himself.

“I dunno. Probably wouldn't have said anything. They'd probably just... I don't know, look down their noses at us.”

Or worse, thought Mark, but he wasn't about to say so.

Sebastian pouted unhappily and Mark hated that there were such people in the world.

“Forget it darling, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“We won't go there. Stupid people, only losing trade.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave his arm a rub and they set off walking.

“Can't let it get to you,” he offered, trying to remind himself at the same time.

“Yeah I know. It's just... pffff.”

Mark tried a smile on him.

“Shall we go down and throw snowballs at their windows?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“And get arrested? Well I suppose that's one way to spend the evening.”

“Maybe not then,” Mark accepted.

Sebastian wound his arm around Mark's middle.

“I suppose at least they thought to warn us off.”

“Yeah.”

“And they don't seem to care about us being together,” Seb added, trying to pick themselves up.

“No that's true, they're very friendly. Guess you're always going to get all sorts. Okay well we'll forget it, have a nice meal with nice people and not worry, yeah?”

Sebastian nodded. No spoiling their mood. That wasn't allowed.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


A few hours later they were in the booked steak house in town, seated at a table where they could see the chefs cooking the sizzling steaks on a large open grill while Mark joked about the fact he was so hungry he thought he really could eat their challenge steak weighing in at thirty-two ounces.

“I don't even know how big that is, but I know you can't,” smiled Seb.

Mark smiled back, tempted to argue that he could, but he suspected even if it was possible he wouldn't be able to move for several days afterwards.

“No, guess not. Something smaller then. To be honest I can't even remember the last time I had steak.”

“Me either,” Seb agreed. “You can get salad with it can't you? I don't know how people eat all those fries and greasy things as well.”

Mark laughed and leaned in to whisper very quietly that some of the folk weren't perhaps the most energetic of skiers. Sebastian laughed, then sat up guiltily as the waiter approached to take their order.

“And to drink?”

“Oh.”

Sebastian looked back down at the menu, then to Mark.

“Do you want a drink, drink?”

Mark shrugged.

“Could do. Glass of red or a beer. What do you fancy?”

“If I have wine you might have to help me back up the hill.”

“We don't have to,” offered Mark.

Sebastian smiled guessing he'd rather they did.

“Go on then, why not? We are on holiday after all.”

Mark grinned and turned to waiter.

“We'll have a bottle of the Cabernet Sauvignon, thanks. Oh and some water too please.”

As the waiter walked away Sebastian shook his head at Mark.

“A bottle? Are you trying to get me drunk again?”

Mark rolled his eyes.

“No. I asked for water didn't I? It just seems odd to only ask for a glass.”

“Yeah alright.”

“Besides you liked it when my dad gave us that wine when we camped.”

“Is that what it was?”

“Yeah. You liked it didn't you?”

“Yeah I did. It's fine. Don't think I'll have more than a glass though. Skiing with a hangover seems like a very bad combination.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah I'll say.”

 

Their drink appeared and they sat sipping and chatting in the lively atmosphere as the bar over to the side also got busier.

“I think it's a good job we booked,” noted Seb.

“Yeah. This is nice though.”

“Yeah. Guess it's pretty popular.”

Mark took a sip of his wine and leaned in a little.

“Don't suppose people want to be somewhere uptight do they?”

Sebastian laughed and nodded, glad that Mark could make a joke of it.

“Absolutely,” he agreed and raised his glass to chink it against Mark's.  
  


It was an older waiter that brought their food, the steaks still sizzling on their platters as he placed them down on the table accompanied by huge salads that looked like meals in themselves.

“Can I get you anything else?”

Mark looked to Seb who shook his head.

“We're right mate, think this'll keep us going a while,” Mark informed him.

As soon as he was gone, Sebastian laughed as he looked at their full plates.

“Oh my god, how do people eat so much over here?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno, maybe they take doggy-bags and live off it all week?”

“Our doggies would be thrilled if we brought this steak home for them,” Seb noted.

“Ah no, don't even think about it,” cautioned Mark. “I'm not trying to hide contraband steak in our luggage.”

Sebastian laughed.

“The airport drug hounds would be all over us.”

“Yeah. Bloody hell, I'm sure that would make a lovely story for the papers.”

Sebastian laughed, though the idea of it really happening wouldn't be funny at all.

“Mm, besides we're ages off going home. These steaks wouldn't be too pretty by then.”

“No,” agreed Mark, cutting into his with a sharp knife. “Best not let it go to waste then.”

 

Sebastian nodded and they both got stuck in, doing their best to eat what they could of both the steaks and salad. After a few minutes the waiter reappeared to check all was well before disappearing again.

“Very solicitous,” noted Seb.

“People can be fussy about steak.”

“I suppose.”

“I'm more used to it barbecued,” Mark noted.

“You like it though?”

“Yeah great. You like yours don't you darling?”

“Very nice. Maybe I'll try it at home?”

Mark smiled to hear Sebastian speaking with more confidence about his cooking. He remembered a time Seb thought pasta ambitious when he was so used to being criticised about everything he did.

“That'd be good. Maybe not quite so big as this.”

“No.”

Sebastian looked down at his plate, feeling as though consuming even half of it would be an achievement.

 

In the end Mark had to indicate to the waiter to come and take their food away.

“Ah sorry, I thought you hadn't finished,” he apologised.

“We just can't manage any more,” Seb admitted. “It was very nice though, thank you.”

“Glad to hear it. Does that mean you'll be skipping desert? We do some nice home-baked pies,” the waiter offered.

Both Mark and Sebastian laughed and shook their heads.

“Sorry mate, I'm sure they're great but we're a couple of light-weights,” Mark explained.

The waiter smiled politely and collected up their things.

“Would you like coffee or anything else?”

“Oh no I think we're fine aren't we?”

Mark looked to Seb for confirmation.

“Definitely.”

“Right then. Would you like the check? There's no rush.”

“Um sure, you can bring it. We might just have a drink yet.”

“Sure.”

The waiter left them and Mark offered over the bottle of wine.

“Oh I think I've had enough to be honest Liebling.”

Mark put the bottle back down.

“No worries.”

“I don't know that I ever was much good with alcohol,” Seb admitted.

Mark gave a shake of his head and put his hand over Seb's on the table, knowing that the unsaid part of that sentence was that Seb was even less good at coping with alcohol since his accident.

“It's not important,” dismissed Mark.

 

The waiter came over with their bill, preparing to leave it, but Mark decided they should pay up. While he rooted around in his wallet for the right money in dollars, the man hung around to the side.

“So you're staying in one of the chalets?” the waiter asked conversationally.

“Yeah that's right,” Seb confirmed.

“I think I've seen you about.”

“Oh?”

“Small town. We notice every new visitor.”

“Right.”

The man laughed.

“You know I thought I recognised you, but... guess I'm imagining it. You've not been here before have you?”

“Oh.” Sebastian glanced over to Mark. “No. I think I've just got one of those faces.”

“Sure.”

Mark hid his smile as he handed the money with the bill to the waiter who went back to the other side of the restaurant to sort out change. As soon as he was gone, Sebastian leaned in, his eyes wide.

“Nearly rumbled,” smiled Mark.

Seb nodded.

“I don't want anyone to recognise us here.”

“No, well...”

“I just want to leave all that behind,” Seb explained.

“I know darling. Me too.”

  
  


 

They exited the restaurant, pulling hats on against the bitter cold. Mark took the torch out from his pocket ready for when they left the street-lights of the town and Sebastian fitted his arm around Mark's middle as Mark in turn wrapped his arm around Seb.

“I can feel the alcohol,” Seb admitted as they walked along.

“You didn't have that much.”

“No I know. I think it's the altitude making it go to my head.”

“Oh. You don't feel ill do you darling?”

“No just... I don't know, just a bit hazy.”

Mark tightened his grip a little around Sebastian.

“Not far to go,” he reassured.

  
  


 

They traipsed up the hill, the darkness seeming all the more extreme as they left the light of the town behind them. Mark held the torch out to guide their way, but it only lit a small patch of ground ahead and the route seemed far more hazardous than during the day. The snow covering the ground had iced over and they had to take small steps to get along. Occasionally they almost lost their footing, but they refused to let go of one another despite the fact that if they went over it would make it harder to put out a hand to break their fall.

By the time they reached the chalet they were both grateful to be back. Seb had found himself trudging ever slower as they worked their way uphill and he just wanted to lie down as soon as possible now. Mark finally let go of Sebastian to unlock the door and they entered the welcoming warmth, taking off their boots and coats to put them in the drying room for the next day. Mark turned to Sebastian and placed a hand at the side of his face as he looked at him.

“Now then. How do you feel?”

“Fine I guess. Tired though. Can we go to bed?”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“Absolutely. I'm pretty knackered myself. Let's go up.”  
  


Mark took Sebastian's hand and led him up the stairs, feeling the weight pulling on him getting heavier. As they stopped on the little landing Mark turned and put his arms around Seb who immediately dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder. Mark smiled and rested his head by Sebastian's.

“I'm really tired,” Seb admitted, as with seemingly great effort he lifted his head to look at Mark.

“We'll just go to sleep darling.”

“Yeah.”

They went to use the bathroom before bed, Sebastian feeling as though even cleaning his teeth took an effort. Mark noticed the way his brushing got slower and slower and by the time they were done he could see Sebastian's eyes drooping.

“You okay?” Mark checked.

“Hmmm.”

Mark huffed a laugh and stroked a knuckle over Seb's cheek at how sleepy he sounded.

“Right, come here.”

Seb frowned as Mark ducked down.

“ _Mark_.”

Mark laughed to himself as he took hold around Seb's legs and hoisted him over his shoulder.

“Oh my god!”

 

Mark stood back up and carried him through to the bedroom, Seb laughing and half attempting to protest before Mark carefully dumped him down on the bed, then dropped to lie beside him. Sebastian laid flopped where he'd put him, only pushing out a hand at Mark.

“I can't believe you just did that.”

Mark laughed.

“You're pretty light.”

“I'm not _that_ light. You'll do your back.”

“Nah, bag of feathers mate.”

He leaned over and kissed him. Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes.

“I really am too tired.”

Mark turned on his side and shifted closer.

“I know darling. We're just going to sleep.”

“Till lunchtime.”

“Till lunchtime.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

Mark raised a hand and stroked over Seb's now ruffled hair.

“You're gorgeous when you're all sleepy, did you know?” he commented.

“Sleepy.”

“Yeah that,” Mark smiled, thinking it a case in point as Sebastian lay there all relaxed, his features soft and appealing.

“Undress me.”  
  


Mark chuckled at the command and did as he was told before tugging duvet out from under Seb to cover him. He dipped down and kissed Sebastian's forehead and was rewarded by him half-opening his eyes to look up at him. Mark sat on the edge of the bed and swept his hand to push Seb's hair to the side.

“Go to sleep darling, you're worn out.”

Sebastian attempted to pull his hand out from under the covers to get Mark to join him, but they were too heavy.

“You.”

“Yeah me too. Hang on.”

 

Mark peeled his own clothes off, shut the door and turned out the light so he could join Sebastian in bed, slipping a hand underneath him to pull Seb in close. Sebastian found enough energy to lift his head onto Mark's chest where he could listen to Mark's heart.

“Nice.”

“Yeah.”

Mark stroked Seb's arm where it lay on him.

“You're my heartbeat,” mumbled Sebastian.

“Am I?”

“Mmmm, mine.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“Look after mine,” Seb continued drowsily.

“Hm?”

“You look after my heart.”

“Ah.”

Mark smiled and moved his hand to put to over Seb's heart.

“That's right darling. I look after yours and you look after mine.”

“Safe.”

“I'll keep it safe,” Mark vowed softly.

“Safe with you.”

“Yeah it's safe with me.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and sighed it out, moving his arm to rest over Mark.

“I'm safe with you,” he murmured, trying to make himself clear as best he could in his befuddled state.

“Yeah.” Mark wrapped his arms around Seb and closed his eyes. “You're safe with me. You're always safe with me darling.”

Seb mumbled something indistinguishable then dropped off, lulled by Mark's heart beating so comfortingly. Mark knew he'd gone. He kissed Sebastian's head and rested his cheek there.

“Safe with me my darling,” he repeated, then fell asleep himself.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 


	119. Let There Be Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so to celebrate the New Year, the final part of our honeymoon sojourn. Hope you enjoy it...

* * *

  
  


 

Sebastian woke late the next morning and immediately wished he hadn't. He scrunched his eyes tight and inadvertently let out a little groan. Mark blinked himself awake before registering the noise that Sebastian had made. He frowned and looked down at Seb who was still lying on his chest, his eyes screwed tightly closed.

“Seb?”

“Hmph.”

Mark stroked over his Seb's arm.

“Are you okay?”

Sebastian didn't open his eyes, but his furrowed his brow as he answered unhappily.

“Head hurts,” murmured Seb.

Mark sighed and raised his hand higher to rest it by Sebastian's temple.

“Your head hurts?”

“Mmm.”

“Ah. Oh darling that's not good.”

 

Mark gently stroked his hand over Seb's hair for a moment, trying to look at him as Seb turned further to bury his face in Mark's chest. Sebastian let out another little unhappy noise and Mark knew he had to do something about it.

“Do you want me to get you some paracetamol?”

Sebastian finally opened his eyes and turned to look up to Mark.

“Can you get my painkillers?”

“That bad?” sighed Mark.

“Just the lighter ones, they're in my flight-bag.”

“Okay.”

Mark carefully lifted him off his chest to lie on the bed while he climbed out and found Sebastian's bag in the wardrobe to pull out the little bottle, returning to pick up water from the side and sitting on the edge of the bed by him.

“You'll have to sit up darling.”

 

Sebastian reluctantly sat, Mark helping him right himself before handing him the pill and water to swallow. He waited until Seb had finished and handed him the water back before leaning in closer to look at him.

“Are you really not well?”

Sebastian looked at him, wanting to say he felt terrible, but equally not wanting Mark to worry.

“It's just a headache.”

Mark put his hand at the side of Sebastian's face and stroked his thumb over his cheek.

“You only had one glass of wine.”

“I know. Must be the altitude.”

“Yeah okay,” Mark accepted.

Sebastian leant his head a little into Mark's hand and closed his eyes again.

“I just want to go back to sleep.”

“Sure.”

“Will you stay?”

Mark huffed a dry little laugh.

“Of course I will sweetheart. Have another drink first.”

Seb did as advised, then Mark took the water back from Seb, taking a swig himself before depositing it on the side and climbing back into bed with him. They settled back down as they had been before, Mark carefully stroking his hand over Sebastian's hair, over and over as he lay against him, knowing how it soothed him, continuing until Seb was asleep once more. Mark sighed and shut his own eyes, knowing he should have thought of this.

  
  


 

It was some time before Sebastian woke again. He knew even before he opened his eyes that Mark was awake. Something about the way he held onto him always told Seb.

He took in a deep breath and turned more so he could put his hands down on the bed to push himself upright, Mark sitting with him.

“Hey,” greeted Mark softly.

“Hey.”

“How're you feeling?”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder.

“I don't think I can go skiing today,” he admitted.

Mark let out regretful little laugh thinking that had been obvious an hour ago.

“No sweetheart.”

“Sorry Liebling.”

“No no.”

Seb looked at him, pouting unhappily.

“I only had the same as you.”

Mark nodded and smoothed his hand down Seb's arm.

“Yeah but...”

They both knew the difference.

“I shouldn't have got the wine,” Mark sighed.

Sebastian woke himself up a little at hearing Mark blame himself.

“I drank it. It was nice. I didn't even have much, not as much as at Christmas or when we were camping.”

“No that's true,” Mark accepted. “Just being at height I guess, or a combination of things. Ah well.”

Mark let out another long sigh.

“Are you feeling a bit better?” he tried.

“A bit.”

Sebastian turned his head slowly, not wanting to jerk himself about too much. He looked for the water on the side and Mark passed it to him so he could drink a large gulp down before returning it. Mark set the pillows behind them and they sat back together, Seb leaning into him, resting his temple on Mark's shoulder as he kept his arm around him. They sat quietly for a while, Seb not in the mood to talk and Mark not wishing to disturb him.

 

It wasn't until Sebastian raised his head that they spoke again.

“What time is it?” asked Seb.

“Hm? Oh I don't know. It doesn't matter darling.”

“Aren't you hungry?”

“Are you?”

Sebastian sat up more and turned a little to Mark.

“Bit maybe.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. It might help. You don't feel sick?”

“No it's just a headache. I'm sorry for making a fuss.”

“You're not fussing sweetheart, it's fine. Shall I bring you something up?”

“No I'll come down.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah.”

“'kay.”

 

They got up, pulling on comfortable tracksuit bottoms, t-shirts and hoodies, then went via the bathroom and headed downstairs. Sebastian sat at the kitchen table while Mark gave him tea and made breakfast. He turned around with plates of scrambled eggs and toast to see Seb resting his head down on folded arms on the table-top. Mark dumped the plates down and rushed round to where he sat, dipping to put his arm around Seb.

“Oh darling is it that bad?”

Sebastian forced himself to lift up.

“No I'm okay.”

Mark gave him a look, knowing he was playing it down and Seb gave him a slow shrug.

“Just a bit rubbish,” he conceded.

“Yeah.”

Mark huffed a sigh.

“Should I call and see if there's a doctor here?”

“Oh no don't Liebling. It's just a headache. It's nothing.”

“Well it's not nothing is it?”

“It's nothing compared to the flight headaches.”

“Really?”

Sebastian gave a tiny nod and Mark's brow furrowed.

“Were they that bad?”

Seb gave one shoulder a fractional shrug.

“Sometimes they were really horrible... ” Sebastian looked at Mark's concerned face before confessing, “sometimes they were so awful I really wanted to cry.”

“Oh darling.” Mark sighed and shook his head. “Why didn't you say?”

“I did say.”

“I didn't realise it was that bad.”

 

Sebastian shrugged again and Mark looked up at the ceiling, trying not to get upset himself at the thought of how Seb had made himself carry on flying, travelling so he could race, despite his suffering.

“You've not had them on flights lately though?”

“No it's been okay since the season finished.”

“You'd tell me?”

“Of course I would Liebling.”

“Alright,” accepted Mark gently.

“It's okay with you. I can sleep on flights then. It's when I'm on my own.”

“Yeah.”

“I don't know if it's psychosomatic. You know, because I'm on my own I'm unhappy and I half-expect to get the headaches,” Seb admitted.

“I think it's more likely that you're stressed and that raises your blood-pressure.”

“Oh.”

“I mean I'm not a doctor.”

“No but that makes sense.”

“And being here this high up in the mountains has to affect your blood-pressure too I suspect.”

“Bad combination with alcohol,” added Seb.

“Yeah. No more of that I think,” Mark agreed.

“It'll wear off.”

“You haven't felt ill any other time? Not when we're at the top of the mountain or anything?”

“No.”

“Not dizzy?”

Sebastian turned and put his hand at Mark's face to reassure him.

“No. Really Mark, I promise I would have said. Don't panic. I'll be okay. I'm just going to have a crappy day.”

Mark huffed a sad little laugh at Sebastian being so stoical.

“Alright sweetheart.”

He glanced at the food and stood back up to pass it to Seb, taking his seat next to him with his own plate. Mark's mug of tea was semi-lukewarm now, but he didn't care. They ate quietly, Sebastian resisting the urge to rest into Mark as they sat there. His head felt as if it had a clamp bearing down on it and he felt stupidly tired, but he wasn't lying; the flight-headaches had been hideous, so by comparison this wasn't so bad and at least here he had Mark.

 

When they'd finished, Mark got them some water and they took it through to the lounge to sit on the sofa.

“We'll just chill out here today,” proposed Mark. “I'm sure it'll do us good.”

“Yeah 'kay.”

“Shall I light the fire.”

“What time is it?”

Mark had glanced at the display on the microwave as he cleared things away so he had a rough idea.

“'bout half one, but it doesn't matter, we can keep adding wood as it gets later.”

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“That wasn't what I meant.”

“Oh?”

“I was wondering if I could take another painkiller,” Seb admitted.

“Ah. Right.”

Mark wanted to say Seb really couldn't be well if he needed more drugs, but he knew Seb was in no mood for him making a fuss. He had to accept him at his word and know that Sebastian knew enough about how to deal with feeling unwell. If he needed drugs to feel better, then he needed them. The last thing Mark wanted was to make Seb feel he should sit suffering in silence.

“Sure. I'll go grab them.”

 

Mark got up and nipped upstairs to fetch the bottle. As he came back down he found Sebastian kneeling in front of the cabinet that hid the television. Up until now they hadn't even thought to turn it on, but Sebastian had decided to see what was there. As he heard Mark come closer Seb turned to him.

“Look Liebling, they've got loads of DVDs.”

“Oh yeah.”

Mark knelt down with him and saw that underneath the television screen was a DVD player and a couple of shelves filled with DVD boxes, mostly of popular films, ranging through adventure, thrillers and rom-coms, but on the far side there were half a dozen children's films. He supposed that as there was another bedroom they must occasionally have families staying here.

“Disney films,” exclaimed Sebastian sounding far happier than he had all day.

Mark smiled. “Better than any drug.”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder considering the bottle in his hand that Mark had gone to fetch.

“Think I might still take them,” he admitted.

“Course. Do you want them now?”

“In a sec. Shall we watch something?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark, knowing that was what Seb wanted and that it would help him feel better, help both of them no doubt. “Right then sweetheart, what d'you fancy? There's a couple of good ones there.”

Seb ran a finger along the spines of the DVD boxes on the shelf.

“Ummm. This one.”

He pulled out a box and handed it to Mark.

“That okay?” Seb checked.

Mark nodded as he looked at the title: 'Beauty and the Beast'.

“Yeah. Not seen this in a while.”

“It's good.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. He'd yet to find a Disney film Sebastian didn't like.

“Course. Stick it in then darling. Have you found the remote?”

“Here.”

Sebastian passed him the remote control that was tucked on top of the DVD player and switched the player on so he could insert the disc. Mark handed him the painkillers and Sebastian went to sit on the sofa to take them while Mark lit the fire then came back over to join him while the titles rolled on the large-screen television set to the left-hand side beyond the fireplace.

 

They settled in together as they usually did, Sebastian finding the combination of Mark's arm around him, accompanied by the familiar cartoon, plus the effect of the drugs kicking in, worked to soothe his head. He rested it down on Mark's shoulder, laughing gently at the funny songs and silly action on-screen. As the warmth of the fire filled the room Seb pulled his hoody off and Mark did the same, preferring to keep the fire lit when it looked so nice. Seb settled back in, his head a little below Mark's shoulder now and as the minutes passed his head began to sink lower.

“Do you want to rest on my lap darling?” offered Mark.

“Mmm.”

“Lie down then.”

Sebastian stretched out on the sofa, his head on Mark's lap. It felt comfortable and the way Mark lightly stroked over his hair felt nice. Everything was so cosy and restful Sebastian gradually forgot about his headache and relaxed, slowly drifting in and out.

Mark straightened his legs out under the coffee-table and stretched his neck from side-to-side. It felt as if he should have anticipated this, but it simply hadn't occurred to him when Sebastian had been trouble-free for so long. If Seb was okay later, fine, but if he wasn't then Mark was ringing about a doctor and he didn't care how much Seb protested.

He stilled his hand from stroking over his hair.

“Seb.”

Mark leaned his upper body forwards a little without disturbing him.

“Are you asleep sweetheart?”

No answer was his answer.

Mark smiled a little ironic smile.

“Be my guest cher.”  
  


  
  


The room was so peaceful despite the lively film playing out, that Mark began to drift himself until Sebastian stirred against him and woke with a start. Mark gave his shoulder a rub.

“Alright sweetheart?”

Sebastian swivelled a little to look up at him from where he lay.

“Did I fall asleep?”

“A bit darling. Has it helped?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and thought about it.

“Some I think.”

He still sounded groggy to Mark, but he had only just woken up.

“Do you want me to rewind?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah okay.”

“Say when,” instructed Mark.

He pressed the rewind button repeatedly jumping back through the scenes until Seb hit a point earlier in the film he remembered being at. It went back quite a way but Mark didn't care in the least about re-watching. He never cared. Until Sebastian really came into his life Mark would never have thought of settling down to watch a Disney film but now they represented something special: Relaxation, comfort in dark times, a way to forget the pressures of the world. It was like a little shared secret between the two of them. Mark found he enjoyed the films themselves more as he re-watched them and noticed all the witty asides the animators and songwriters snuck in that must surely go way over the heads of children viewing them.

Mark smiled at Sebastian as he settled back in to face the screen. He leaned over to look at him and ran a finger down Seb's nose to illicit a smile in reply.

“I am feeling a bit better,” assured Seb.

“Good. Do you want a little massage to get the blood flowing?”

“Umm yeah, that'd be nice.”

“Turn a bit for me then.”

 

Sebastian did as requested, slipping onto his front while keeping his head in Mark's lap facing out to watch the TV. Mark angled as he sat and put both hands on Seb's lower back, attempting a far more gentle version of the sports massages he had, rubbing down and round in little swirling circles with his fingers and the heels of his hands, really only applying the lightest of pressure. He knew he was no kind of expert on this, but all Mark was trying to do was help Sebastian feel better. He worked his way upwards, feeling the muscles in Seb's back and stroking along his spine.

“Thas nice,” mumbled Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Is it darling? Good. Maybe you can do the same for me one day.”

“I will.”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

Mark worked his way higher, still avoiding Sebastian's shoulder-blades despite knowing that was just him being paranoid. Instead he concentrated on the muscles at the top of his shoulders, working back down over Seb's upper arms a few times before very carefully massaging his neck with the tips of his fingers. Sebastian let out some soft little noises and Mark leaned forwards to see him.

“Good?”

“So good Liebling, thank you.”

Mark smiled and leaned all the way down to kiss his temple, gaining a pleasingly wide smile in response.

“No problem.”

Mark went back to working on Seb's neck again, mainly where it met his shoulders and at the top by his hairline.

“Mmmm.”

Mark smiled again and began to delicately massage Sebastian's scalp.

“That doesn't hurt?” he checked.

“No it's nice.”

“'kay.”

Mark went on, thinking how nice it felt to run his fingers through Seb's soft hair and how it glowed like spun gold in the firelight. Sebastian turned to face down, giving Mark full access to all of his head and Mark sat with both hands gently massaging over his temples, hearing the mellow little noises of appreciation that Seb made. He could feel how loose Seb's body was as he lay with him. There was something very satisfying about succeeding in having such an effect. It occurred to Mark that he ought to do this more often, especially when Sebastian was stressed, which for all Mark's avowals that the following season ought to be easier, he knew was bound to happen at some point, if only in the normal course of their occupation.  
  


Eventually Sebastian let out a long sigh and Mark took that as his cue to stop. He lifted his hands away and Seb turned around completely to look up at him. Neither of them said anything for a minute, they just smiled, then Seb moved one hand so he could inter-twine his fingers with Mark's.

“You're wonderful Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I was just making it up as I went along.”

“That isn't what I meant, but that was wonderful too. _You're_ wonderful,” praised Seb. “You're better than any drug at making me feel better.”

Mark laughed again.

“Maybe that's the drugs talking.”

“No it's not.”

Mark knew it was no time to argue.

“Okay, well thank you sweetheart. Has it helped?”

“Yeah. It's like pushing the bad stuff out.”

Mark smiled, thinking Seb made it sound like a tube of toothpaste being squeezed. He wasn't sure it was quite so simple, but if it helped that was all he cared about.

“Good. I'm glad.”

Mark's attention was caught by a song starting up in the film and Sebastian turned a little in his lap to watch it, their hands staying bound together as Seb lay there.

 

 

 

They were so relaxed watching the film that neither noticed the sound of someone approaching the chalet, even when they unlocked the door. With no dogs at their feet to jump up sensing an outsider getting nearer, their guards were entirely down and it wasn't until the woman walked into the room that all three jumped at the realisation the other was there. Mark took in a surprised breath and Sebastian whipped his head around and jolted upright as they saw a strange middle-aged woman stood there over to the side, her eyes wide. Mark caught hold of Sebastian to steady him and made sure he was sat safely as he balanced sideways on the couch, both of them looking to the side where the woman stood staring.

“Oh I'm so sorry, you're usually out,” apologised the woman. “I should have knocked, but...”

“It's fine,” Mark assured.

“I'm the cleaner.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm so sorry.”

The woman had turned red and as Mark glanced back to Seb he saw his cheeks looked pink too and only then did it occur to him that walking in on them like this might appear somewhat compromising, even if they were fully dressed. Mark coughed an accidental laugh and reached for his water to cover it.

“Do you want me to go?” asked the woman awkwardly.

Mark put his water down and shook his head. He would have got up but for the fact that he was still hanging on to Seb as he sat at a twisted angle on the sofa where he had been lying on him.

“No no of course not. We're just having a day off,” explained Mark.

“Oh I see.” The woman seemed to relax a little. “It's just this is my last place.”

“It's fine. You do whatever you need to do,” offered Mark. “Are we in the way?”

“Oh no, I just, um, bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen. I usually remake the fire, but...”

“We can do that. You just do whatever you do.”

“Right.”

The woman paused another moment, then turned and took her coat off, retrieving her cleaning things from by the door. She reappeared at the edge of the lounge.

“I'll just, umm, well I'll get started upstairs. I won't be long.”

“No problem.”

 

She disappeared up the stairs and the moment she was out of sight Mark released a quiet laugh and shook his head.

“Whoops.”

Sebastian bit his lip then flung his arms around Mark's neck, dropping his face into his shoulder.

“Oh my god that's so embarrassing.”

Mark chuckled and put his head by Sebastian's ear.

“What do you think she saw?”

Sebastian raised his head and looked at Mark.

“It's what _she_ thought she saw.”

Mark shook his head.

“You were only lying down.”

Seb sat back a bit and pulled a face telling him it might not have looked so innocent from the angle the cleaner had been stood at. Mark shrugged, thinking there wasn't much you could do about it.

“You're not more bothered she caught us watching Disney?”

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at him, but Mark could see the tell-tale sign of his cheeks bunching out as he tried not to smile. He put his arms around Seb properly and gave him an exaggerated Gallic shrug.

“Stuff it. Who cares? People can think what they like.”

 

He gave Seb a kiss on the lips to prove his point and Seb relaxed his body into him. Mark gave him a teasing smile.

“Pauline's walked in on worse.”

“Only kissing,” protested Seb.

“You went puce,” laughed Mark.

Sebastian pouted but that only made Mark laugh more.

“Pauline doesn't count,” Seb insisted.

“No I suppose not,” Mark agreed. “Well whoever this woman is, she doesn't count either. It's not like we'll see her after this week is it?”

“Spose.”

Mark gave him a softer smile.

“Woke us up at least.”

“Yeah.”

Seb took in a deep breath and let it out as a sigh.

 

“How's the head?”

“Much better thank you.”

“Good. That's the only thing I actually care about,” insisted Mark. “Why don't I make us a nice cup of tea?”

“Yeah okay.”

Seb turned around to find the remote control and pressed pause on the film so they could go through to the kitchen.

 

When they came back through Mark and Seb sat more sedately on the couch together sipping their drink as they pressed play on the DVD again to watch the end of the film. As they relaxed Sebastian dropped the side of his head against Mark's shoulder.

“Shall I tell you something weird?” offered Seb.

Mark turned his head in, looking at him curiously.

“Oh?”

Sebastian smiled at him.

“I prefer him as the Beast.”

Mark laughed and put his arm around Seb.

“Not the prince?”

Sebastian grinned at him and scrunched his nose up.

“Nah the prince is dull. I like the Beast. He's funny and far more interesting.”

Mark laughed some more.

“Am I the Beast?”

Sebastian sat up a little and turned into him, fitting his arms around Mark's middle.

“Yeah I think so.”

“Doesn't that make me scary-looking?”

“No not scary-looking, but I was a tiny bit scared of you when I first started racing in F1 Liebling.”

“But not really.”

“Not when I got to know you, not the real you.”

“I did used to growl a bit,” smiled Mark.

A laugh shook through Sebastian and he nodded.

“Not any more though.”

“No,” agreed Mark, “not any more.”

“You weren't just I saw on the outside. It's like the opposite with the baddy.”

“The baddy?”

“Gaston. He's the baddy,” Seb explained.

“Oh right.”

“He looks perfect on the outside. He's all handsome, but he's really horrible.”

“Ah.”

Mark gave him a squeeze, knowing what Seb was referring to. He didn't want to let Seb's mind wander down that route, so he gave him a wink.

“So you're saying I'm _not_ handsome?”

Sebastian sat taller.

“No no, you are. You're the most handsome.”

Mark laughed.

“The _most_ handsome?”

Seb smiled, knowing that Mark was teasing him.

“Yes. The most handsome, but not like Gaston, like the Beast. He's handsome inside too.”

“Oh okay then.”

Sebastian moved his hands to put them on Mark's face, feeling his strong jaw and stroking over the stubble to touch his defined cheekbones.

“Nobody's more handsome,” insisted Seb firmly.  
  


Mark smiled beneath those hands deciding to accept the compliment for once, then pushed against them to get closer to Seb to kiss him. Sebastian slipped his hands round to fit at the back of his neck and kissed Mark back until a thought occurred to him and he pulled away.

“Hang on. Who does that make me?” Seb queried.

Mark grinned and raised a teasing eyebrow and Seb pulled an unimpressed face.

“I'm not being Belle,” he protested.

Mark laughed and shrugged.

“She's very smart like you.”

“Hmm.”

Seb narrowed his eyes at Mark who continued grinning, then softened his expression.

“You _are_ beautiful,” Mark commented. 

Sebastian raised an eyebrow and Mark shrugged helplessly.

“I can't help it if you are,” Mark maintained. “You're gorgeous.”

He put his hand up and gently pinched Seb's cheek.

“Gorgeous,” he repeated. “You're so delicious I want to eat you all up.”

Sebastian laughed and leaned in to whisper.

“Better not let the cleaner hear you say that.”

 

Mark sat back laughing and tickled Seb's side for a moment to get revenge before calming down, remembering that he hadn't been feeling well.

“We'll have to create a new character for you,” he suggested.

Sebastian smiled.

“Disney versions of us?”

“Yeah.”

“We could draw them.”

“I'm not sure I'm any good at drawing,” admitted Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Me either, but let's try.”

 

He was up and digging in the little drawers of the narrow table where the information folder sat near the kitchen before Mark could say more, returning with a pad of paper and some pencils. Mark ended up knelt at the side of coffee table with him, both trying very rough sketches.

“Okay you draw me and I'll draw you,” instructed Sebastian.

“Righto.”

They sat staring at one another, trying to fix the details of their appearance so they could draw sketches, both trying to make them in the style of the Disney animations they watched. Both joked about how badly they were doing, but after several attempts they were getting somewhere. Sebastian laughed at how big Mark had drawn his eyes, but as Mark re-examined his drawing of Seb he was sure they were proportional and he could almost see the blue in them despite their graphite shading.

“And what's going on with my lips?” questioned Seb.

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“You have very nice lips.”

“I look like something's stung me.”

Mark chuckled and made no comment on how accurate that sometimes was.

“I think I've done pretty well, though your hair's a bit of a mess.”

“That's usually true anyway,” Sebastian accepted. “Okay, what do you think of mine then?”

Mark leaned over to examine Sebastian's portrayal of him. The figure was tall, the chest wide and at the face Seb had drawn sharp lines for his jaw, nose and cheekbones, a tiny cleft in the middle of his chin.

“Is that how I look?” wondered Mark.

Seb shrugged.

“I'm not very good at it, but sort of. I think you'd make a good Disney hero.”

“Would I?”

“Yes. I can't get the arms right though.” Seb admitted.

Mark looked, thinking they seemed long but fairly standard.

“They look fine to me.”

Sebastian frowned as he looked down at his paper.

“No I can't make them right. Warm. How do you draw warm arms?”

He looked up at Mark guilelessly.

“Is that what you think?” Mark wondered.

“Hm? Yeah.”

Mark smiled and as Sebastian looked at him he remembered how warm that smile was too. He hadn't got his mouth right either. It was so hard to transfer feelings to paper. Seb put his hand on Mark's bicep and ran it down.

“Strong too,” he noted with a smile.

Mark could come up with nothing to say to that, even less so as Seb leaned in and kissed where he'd just touched. All he could think to do in reply was to put his arms around Sebastian and pull him in for a hug. He held onto him for a minute, then as he let Seb sit back, Mark turned more to face him.

“Are you really feeling okay now?”

Sebastian gave a little nod.

“Yeah pretty much. I don't much feel like doing anything though.”

“No that's fine. Bit late anyway, we're fine here,” Mark assured. “Okay let's try again.”

 

They re-drew their characters, but each turned out much as before, the stereotypes too deep in their consciousness to shift. Sebastian picked his piece of paper up and made Mark guffaw when he made the figure walk along, speaking as if it was alive.

Mark shook his head.

“I do _not_ sound like that,” he protested.

“You do. I have an excellent Aussie accent,” insisted Seb cheerily.

Mark gave him a look, but Sebastian pulled a face.

“Fine. Do me then,” he challenged.

Mark made his little Seb character walk across the coffee-table towards the other piece of paper, doing an appalling version of Sebastian's voice.

“You're taking the piss,” Seb complained.

“I'm not. It's your cartoon voice,” stated Mark.

He did it again in German which made Seb laugh even more before he tried the same and the two mucked about playing with their mini-versions, teasing one another with the way they caricatured the other, before swapping to have their own version, laughing at their silliness.

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“Couple of big kids.”

 

Sebastian pouted and Mark thought he was doing a fair impression of the drawing he'd done of him, but he didn't want Seb to feel as if he was being unkind.

“You make me feel young.”

Seb looked at him.

“Do I?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah sweetheart.”

“You make me feel like a grown-up.”

“You are grown-up,” Mark laughed.

“No but I feel it with you. I didn't used to.”

“No, well...”

Mark knew why that was and how Seb had been manipulated and denigrated into believing himself immature and incapable. It had taken Seb a long time to shake that off and Mark didn't want him to think being silly and enjoying simple uncomplicated fun was something to be ashamed of.

“Maybe we meet in the middle darling?” Mark suggested.

Sebastian smiled, liking that idea.

“Yeah. That works doesn't it?”

Mark nodded, then made his little figure answer instead in German, making Seb laugh again and the pair amused themselves as they continued.

 

 

 

The cleaner arrived at the bottom of the stairs unnoticed by either Mark and Sebastian who sat with their backs to her, knelt side on from the sofa as they worked at the coffee table. She stood there for a moment looking over, wondering what they were doing knelt down like that and what was amusing them so much that she could hear them laughing upstairs. She considered saying something to announce her presence, however the two seemed to have eyes for no one but each other as they leaned in and talked, clearly joking about something. She saw the smiles and how closely they sat, absorbed in whatever they were sharing.

The television was playing the menu for something on a DVD yet they didn't seem to have noticed the music playing over and over in the background. Had they been asleep on the sofa before? They certainly seemed awake now, if somewhat lost in their own little world.

She went into the kitchen and gave it a quick wipe down, did the washing up and stacked it to dry, then went back through to hover where she had stood earlier over to the side before deciding to cough to get their attention. Mark and Sebastian turned around to face her, having almost forgotten that the cleaner was in the chalet.

 

“I'll be going then.”

“Oh sorry. Are you done?” asked Mark.

“Yes, unless you need anything?”

“No that's fine.”

Sebastian felt a little rude for how they had ignored her being in the house.

“Do you want a cup of tea? There's some in the pot,” he offered.

The woman looked surprised at the gesture.

“Oh, no I'll scoot off thanks. I'll be back tomorrow same time.”

Mark and Sebastian had to hide their smiles at the subtle hint.

“I'm sure we'll be out tomorrow. Seb wasn't feeling too well today,” Mark explained.

“Oh I see.”

“I'm sure I'll be fine,” Sebastian assured.

“Yes well I hope so. Feel better then.”

“Thanks.”

“Bye.”

She gave them an awkward little wave as they thanked her, pulled on her coat and hat and gathered up her things to let herself out. Walking carefully down the snowy lane she mulled over the encounter. You rarely saw any of the actual occupants of the chalets in the middle of the day so it was strange to have met them. She was pretty sure that had to be the first gay couple they'd had to stay. They seemed nice enough if a little odd. She thought they'd said down at the office that they were British. That would explain the tea and perhaps the oddness too.

 

Left alone, Mark and Sebastian went back to amusing themselves and forgetting all about the outside world. Mark put some more wood on the fire while Seb insisted on making them hot chocolate and they settled back on the sofa with another film ready to watch in the DVD player.

“You do seem much better darling,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. I'm sure I'll be okay. I'm just not feeling very energetic.”

Mark nodded, then put his arm around Sebastian as the film began. He turned slightly to look at him, wanting to shift something nagging in his mind.

“Seb?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian looked back to him.

“Do me a favour sweetheart. When you go back into work have word with Doc Phillips and get another prescription, for when you fly, just in case. I don't want to think of you needing them and not having them to make you feel better. Okay?”

Sebastian wanted to say he wouldn't need them, and he didn't much fancy bringing it up with the team doctor, but he knew there were bound to be times he travelled alone and the chance was always there. The truth was that the bottle was getting rather low.

“Okay Liebling.”

“Yeah?” pressed Mark.

“Yeah I will. I promise.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Mark relaxed, knowing that if Sebastian had given his word he could rely on him to keep it. He smiled and kissed the side Seb's forehead before resting his head down with him. No more worrying.  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Late the next morning they were still finishing up breakfast in the kitchen when they heard a knock at the door. Mark went through to answer it, assuming it must be the cleaner being extra-cautious after their encounter the day before, but when he opened the door he found Kurt standing there.

“Oh hello.”

“Hey.”

Sebastian had come through to see who was there and was as surprised as Mark to see their visitor.

“Hi,” greeted Seb as he stood by Mark's side in the doorway.

“Hi. Sorry to intrude, I just thought I'd come up and check everything was okay,” Kurt explained.

“Everything's fine,” replied Sebastian.

“Yeah just... Mindy, the cleaner, she mentioned this morning that you'd not been well.”

“Oh I see.”

Seb glanced to Mark who automatically put an arm around him.

“He's fine today aren't you darling?”

“Yeah I'm really fine. It was just yesterday. Very kind of you to ask though.”

“Right, well...”

Kurt left off, feeling a little awkward as the one who'd been deputed to go and check up on them. He was about to say he'd be on his way when Seb looked past him.

“Oh it's snowing,” smiled Sebastian.

“Ha it really is,” agreed Mark.

Great thick flakes of snow were suddenly coming down in a flurry. Beyond where Kurt stood the sloping field beyond the chalet was being inundated and as Seb poked his head out of the door to look out, he saw that the town downhill had disappeared, lost in the snowstorm.

“Come inside,” beckoned Seb to their visitor and Kurt stepped in, already needing to brush off his coat where it had snow at the back.

“Why don't you have a cup of tea?” offered Mark.

Kurt paused but he knew walking back in that wouldn't be much fun so he accepted and took his coat off to go through to the kitchen, sitting down with them while Seb made more drinks.

 

“It was snowing quite a bit earlier too,” Kurt informed them. “If it keeps on like this they might stop the ski-lift.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah only if it's really heavy. It was on the weather forecast earlier. They have to get the slopes swept of excess powder snow and if it keeps coming down at this rate it might be a problem.”

“Ah. To be honest we've not been watching any television,” Mark admitted.

“No well there's not much to see. We don't have cable up here.”

Seb looked to Mark feeling guilty that he'd already missed a day's skiing yesterday due to him.

“That's a shame.”

“About cable?” asked Kurt.

Mark and Sebastian laughed, wondering if that was a bugbear for him living here.

“No I meant about skiing today,” Seb clarified.

“Ah right. Well it might be okay. You could come into town and see,” Kurt proposed.

He noticed they didn't look overwhelmed at that suggestion so he took a sip of his tea, then a thought occurred to him.

“You know what...” Kurt paused, wondering whether they might think his suggestion strange.

“What?” pressed Seb.

“Well, this might sound a little... I don't know, you might think it's a dumb idea, but there's a sled out back. It's stored away round the side with the wood pile undercover.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. I mean it's meant for kids, but...” Kurt leaned in over his mug of tea towards the other two. “Okay no telling Lacey, but I've had a run on it quite a few times when I'm up here and it's pretty nifty.”

Mark smiled at Seb, already seeing his eyes light up at the prospect.

“Big enough for us you reckon?” Mark checked.

“Oh sure. If it can take my weight you're fine. I used to play football.”

Mark and Sebastian smiled, thinking Kurt's solid frame suggested he would have been a fairly immoveable force as a quarterback if you faced him in a game.

“Sounds good,” confirmed Mark.

 

They chatted about nothing in particular for a while, drinking their tea. Eventually Kurt turned and looked out the window at the snow coming down unceasingly. If he continued waiting for it to ease off he might be here all day.

“They'll be wondering where I've got to. I'd better get back.”

“Will you be okay?” checked Sebastian.

Kurt laughed, “oh we're pretty used to this here you know.”

“Oh okay.”  
  


They got up to accompany him to the front door. While Kurt pulled his coat back on, Mark asked where exactly the sledge was kept and he insisted on going to fetch it for them, disappearing round the corner of the chalet, reappearing again with an old-fashioned wooden sledge, pulling it along by its rope to deposit it tipped up on its end under the roof over-hang at the front door.

“There you go. This is all a field in front so you're fine here,” he explained, pointing out at the snow covered slope in front. Right now it was almost invisible in the blizzard.

Sebastian didn't much fancy anyone's chances in this. The whole place seemed to be dissolved in a white-out.

“You sure you don't want to stay a bit longer?” he offered.

“Oh no you're fine.”

Mark peered out to see where the lane ought to be, thinking that Seb had a point.

“You're not going to get lost are you?” Mark checked.

“Straight down,” offered Kurt cheerily. “Okaly. Hope you guys get to enjoy yourselves if it clears up a bit later.”

“Thanks.”

 

With that he set off down to the town, his hood pulled as far over possible and his shoulders hunched forwards to shelter himself from the snow-storm. Within a few seconds his outline was lost in the white and Mark and Sebastian shut themselves back in the warm.

“Do you think it'll clear up?” wondered Mark.

Seb shrugged.

“Dunno. Maybe enough to muck about. I'm not sure about skiing.”

Mark nodded.

“Ah well.”

“I'm sorry Liebling. We didn't get out yesterday either,” apologised Seb.

“Nah. Can't do much about the weather can we? Besides if it didn't snow we wouldn't be here in the first place.”

Sebastian puffed a little breath.

“Spose.”

Mark put his arm around him and gave Sebastian a kiss on the cheek.

“I'm sure it'll lay off a bit, then we can have some fun, alright?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

  
  


It took over an hour for the snowstorm to abate by which time they had given up all hope of hitting the slopes to go skiing. They pulled on their full ski-gear anyway and instead ventured out into the now milder snowfall with the sledge. The freshly fallen snow was at least two feet deep in the field so they tried the lane instead where the snow was compacted underneath. Mark tried sitting on the sledge first, only managing to go a short way due to all the loose snow so Seb went ahead to clear a path and after a couple of goes they had created a reasonable runway. Sebastian gave Mark a push and he got a fair distance downhill before grinding to a halt in a snowdrift.

Seb walked half-way down to meet Mark and they walked back up together, scuffing the excess snow out of the way to go a little higher than the level of their chalet so they could have a longer run.

“You gonna have a go then?” offered Mark.

“Okay sure.”

Sebastian climbed on and Mark gave him gentle push to get him going, laughing as he heard how Seb made whooping noises as he sped up, then ran back as best he could up the hill to him.

“That was great. We've got to try it together,” Sebastian insisted. “Then we'll be heavier and we'll go faster.”

“If only that was true in motor-racing,” smiled Mark wryly.

“Yeah. Anyway, shall we try it?”

“Sure.”

 

They set the sledge to rights and climbed on, Mark letting Seb get on first, shuffling up to the front before Mark climbed on behind him. He put his arms around Sebastian to hold the sledge reins with him, smiling round to see how excited he looked.

“We good to go sweetheart?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian lifted his feet and Mark gave them a push off before doing the same and they slid off, far faster than going individually, gaining speed as they went along until they were whizzing down the hillside all the way to the accumulated snowdrift. They both jammed their heels down to try to brake, but their feet skidded and they ended up turning the sled to get it to stop. The pair of them tumbled sideways in a heap, the wooden sledge thankfully a couple of feet behind them.

Mark looked down at Seb and pushed himself up not to lie too much into him.

“Are you alright darling?”

Sebastian put his elbows behind him to lift up.

“Yeah course.”

Mark relaxed and sat, pulling Seb with him. He huffed a little laugh at the sight of Seb, his cheeks pink and his woolly hat all askew, then reached out to straighten it for him.

Sebastian smiled and offered out a hand so they could help each other to stand.

“We going again?” asked Seb.

“Yep guess so,” Mark agreed.

 

They made their way back up and tried again, getting marginally better at slowing themselves at the end of the run. The feeling of whizzing along just on the edge of being out of control was intoxicating, reminding them of the sensation of racing despite the relatively much slower speed. Each time they reached the end of their run Seb bounced up, eager to sprint to the top again and Mark had to stop himself from teasing him for being as gleeful as a child about it. Instead he pulled the sleigh back up with him, his face matching the smile on Sebastian's. How could he tease him when such simple fun made Seb so happy?

It made him happy too. Whether it was the activity or seeing Seb enjoying it or perhaps the fact that Mark knew that alone he would never have done such a thing, he wasn't sure. As they climbed back onto the sledge before setting off once more, Mark pulled Sebastian in tight and leaned round to kiss him on the cheek, getting a beaming smile as his reward. He wrapped his arms around him a little tighter and smiled to himself thinking that perhaps just getting to do this was what made him happiest of all.

 

There was still a gentle snowfall but it didn't bother them as they went up and down, trying to extend their run further uphill so they could go for longer. It was so much fun they'd forgotten all about being bothered about skiing.

After a while their pace got so good they managed to crest the snowdrift and continue on down the lane that led towards the town, building a longer and longer track for themselves until they eventually got so far down that they decided to carry on down, ploughing their way through the looser snow by Seb putting his feet out in front to push it out of the way and laughing as it occasionally got so high it flew up and covered him.

 

When they got all the way to the bottom they trailed the sledge behind them and walked along the high street, calling in to say hello at the office to hear that the lift had indeed been halted for a couple of hours.

“Might be back up later,” offered Snowy optimistically.

“Ah that's fine, we're not fussed are we darling?” replied Mark casually.

Sebastian gave a shake of his head, then smiled to Kurt over on the far side.

“No. We tried your tip.”

“What tip was that?” asked his wife.

“Oh um, coming down to the town,” dissembled Kurt, trying to give Seb and Mark a warning shake of his head behind her back.

“Mm,” agreed Seb vaguely, glad that they had left the sled safely parked out of sight in front. “Think we might take a little wander round the shops.”

“You could always get lunch,” suggested Bridget.

Mark smiled and gave a shake of his head.

“Friad we've not long had breakfast.”

“We're being very lazy,” added Seb.

“Ah well it's your holiday isn't it?” agreed Snowy. “You should do whatever you want.”

Sebastian very nearly spoke up to tell them that it was their honeymoon. He was sure they'd be nice about it, but despite the fact they didn't seem to comprehend who they were and the idea of them selling them out to the papers seemed highly unlikely, it still felt wrong to tell anyone when it was still theoretically a secret. Instead he just smiled and nodded while Mark answered for both of them.

“We will,” agreed Mark. “Right well we'll get out of your hair. We just thought we'd say hello.”

“Always welcome.”

 

The pair left and wandered further along, dragging the sled with them.

“Think we nearly got him in schtuck then,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“My bad. Guess he gets bored doing all his little jobs. I'd forgotten how much fun sledging is.”

“Yeah me too. Well we'll have a stroll round then head back, yeah?”

 

Sebastian nodded and fitted one arm into Mark's so they could walk along together. They looked in the windows of the shops and restaurants, seeing how busy they were with visitors killing time when they couldn't ski as planned. They went into a couple of the shops to see what they had, picking up a few random souvenirs and ending up trying on hats to make one another laugh. As they walked out with a couple of bags Seb pulled his hat out and put it on in place of his normal one. Mark gave the little plaits on the sides of the Nordic woollen hat a tug and laughed again.

“Very stylish sweetheart.”

“You have to wear yours.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah.”

Mark pulled his beanie off and replaced it with a thicker knitted hat with a snowflake design and an over-sized white bobble on top.

“How do I look?” Mark asked.

Sebastian smiled and pushed up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Awesome.”

“Awesome?” laughed Mark.

“Yep.”

“Okay then.”

 

Mark put their bags to sit on the sledge he was now pulling and re-took Sebastian's arm as they turned to walk back out of the town towards the route uphill. As they reached the lane it finally stopped snowing and Mark turned to Seb.

“You're not bothered about waiting to see if they re-open the ski-slopes are you?”

Seb shrugged.

“Not unless you are.”

Mark paused then shook his head.

“Nah. This is fun. Let's dump the bags and see if we can try the main slope in front of our chalet instead.”

“Sounds good.”

 

So they spent the rest of the afternoon as before; messing about on the sledge in the fresh snow. Half they time they ended up buried in the deeper drifts but that didn't matter when they having so much fun together. At one point they got so far up the slope that they were near one of the other chalets and they actually saw one of the other occupants for once as an older couple appeared, setting off down into the town. Seb gave them a cheery wave, but they weren't close enough to talk to them. Not that it bothered him. It was nice that the chalets were so well spaced out, allowing them to feel quite alone. The cleaner hadn't been in when they'd popped back inside to dump their bags so they presumed she must have been while they were down in the town, either that or they'd been too busy enjoying themselves with the sledge to notice her going about.

“I'm kinda surprised no one else is out here doing this,” noted Seb.

“Mm, well maybe they haven't got the sledge like us,” Mark pointed out.

“Oh yeah, spose.”

Mark smiled, thinking that perhaps even if they did, they might not free-spirited enough to use them.

“You'd think there'd be a few kids about,” Sebastian mused.

“Yeah but the hotel's on the other side isn't it?”

“Oh yeah guess. Oh and they'd be nearer the bottom of the ski-slopes. Maybe they're using there,” Seb suggested.

Mark shrugged.

“Prefer our private slope.”

“Me too Liebling,” Seb agreed. “We going to give it another go then?”

“Yep.”

Mark looked down at their pressed down runway. They had a fair distance now. He wondered how fast they were going. Not any real speed he supposed, though it felt it at the time. At least when they came off they had soft landings. They got in position and went again, peeling off to the left at the end and falling sideways into the snow. Mark kept his hold around Seb and accidentally on purpose made sure Seb landed on top of him, partly to make sure he was okay and partly because it was all too pleasant an experience at any time.

Seb looked down, grinning at the fact Mark was almost totally buried in the snow.

“Good job we're properly wrapped up in our ski stuff.”

“True.”

“You're not cold?” checked Sebastian.

Mark grinned up at him and pulled Seb tighter in.

“You keep me warm darling.”

Seb ducked in to give him a quick kiss, then as Mark lifted his head to kiss him back, Seb dropped into him and they kissed for longer. For a moment they both forgot where they were, then Sebastian used the fact Mark's arms were around him to flip them and they rolled sideways, both laughing at the ridiculousness of doing this in deep snow, Mark tried rolling them further to put him back underneath but he did it a little too enthusiastically and they did a full turn, Sebastian going deeper into loose snow. He squealed unexpectedly as the snow went down the collar of his snow jacket and Mark pulled away to get them sat up.

“Argh, it's gone right in” complained Seb, reaching with his gloved hand to brush the snow away from where it was melting into his neck.

“Oh dear,” smiled Mark, trying not to laugh.  
  


Seb narrowed his eyes and flicked a little of the loose snow at him, making Mark laugh for real and whisk some snow back at him in revenge. It went more into Seb's face then he intended.

“Oh no, sorry.”

“It's only snow Mark.”

Sebastian leaned in and kissed him, not wanting Mark to worry about every tiny thing that came his way. He pushed further forwards and put his arms around Mark's neck, kissing him with such force Mark ended up going backwards into the snow again.

He frowned up at Seb.

“How did I end up here?”

Sebastian looked at him innocently as he lay into his body.

“Dunno Liebling. It's very slippy out here.”

“Isn't it though?” agreed Mark with a smile.

Seb gave him one more quick kiss, then pushed away and gave Mark a hand to stand up. He shuffled his shoulders about, feeling a little trickle of the melted snow running down inside his top.

“Cold?” asked Mark.

“Only a little bit.”

“Shall we go in?”

Sebastian was about to say he was fine when it started snowing again, the sky greyer now as it got later in the day. The heavy flakes seemed to dance in front of them, half suspended in the air, but they all reached the ground in the end and the snow was more than deep enough as it was.

“Mm, yeah guess so.”

 

Seb found the sledge to drag with them as they trudged through the deep snow, taking wide steps as it went beyond their knees in places. Mark took Seb's hand to help him along until they reached their chalet and propped the sledge back up on its end near the door.

Mark dug the key out of his pocket to unlock the door. He turned to smile at Seb.

“We'll soon warm up.”

“I'm sure we'll find a way Liebling.”

Mark laughed and pushed the door open, giving Sebastian a wink.

“I'm sure we will too darling.”

  
  


 

  
  


The following day dawn bright and clear once more, though Mark and Sebastian weren't up to see it, they did rise earlier than the past few days. It felt good to get up and out, so by the time they were sorted with all their ski gear and safely sat on the lift on their way up the mountain both of them were in a very positive mood. Half-way up Mark rummaged in his pocket and pulled out his phone, leaning in a little closer to Seb as he lined up a selfie. Sebastian smiled and leaned in to pose for the photo.

As Mark lowered his hand to check it had taken okay Seb laughed as he peered over the side of the ski-lift down fifty feet to the mountain sailing by below.

“If you'd dropped it?”

“Ha, good point. Good job you didn't say before or I probably would have. Anyway, look,” Mark prompted, holding the camera over for Seb to see the photograph he'd just snapped.

Sebastian smiled to see their picture, the two of them wearing their faintly ridiculous new hats and looking far too happy to care. The mountain ranges that were all around showed in the background and for a photograph taken on a phone it looked remarkably good. Another one Seb was going to have to send off to get a print framed. He wanted to fill their home with pictures of their happiest times together. Just like this, they had to make the most of it.

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


By the Saturday night the pair were fairly well exhausted after two days filled with making up for lost time on the slopes. As they trooped back up the hill they both smiled at the sight of their two snowmen guarding their chalet, now wearing at Seb's insistence, the two comical hats they had bought a few days ago. Mark had joked that they suited them and took a photo to add to the collection and as they walked up to them now he gave them a little nod, then smiled at himself thinking he was getting worse than Seb was for treating them as if they were real.

As soon as they'd got in they removed all their cold and mildly damp ski gear off to leave in the nice warm drying room. Mark went through and flopped onto the large squashy sofa with a heavy “oomph,” that made Seb laugh as he stood watching.

“Are you done Liebling?”

“So done,” mumbled Mark, face first into a cushion.

Sebastian went around to bob down by him and Mark turned his head out to look. He gave Mark a smile and put a hand on his arm.

“Do you want to go have a bath?” suggested Seb.

Mark let out a sigh.

“You know I'm not sure I've even got the energy to go that far.”

“Yeah. Guess we were on harder slopes this afternoon.”

“I'll say.” Mark puffed out a breath. “Damn near killed me.”

“Ah no it didn't. You were really good.”

“Hm. Spose I didn't fall over today.”

“See? I'm very impressed.”

Mark laughed then unexpectedly yawned.

“Oh dear you really are tired,” Sebastian noted.

“Mm. Aren't you?”

“Bit.”

“I'm getting old.”

“Nonsense. You just had to work harder because it's newer to you. Course that's harder work,” insisted Seb.  
  


Mark smiled at Seb's consistent refusal to accept any negative comments about his age. He pushed himself to sit upright on the sofa.

“Yeah alright. You hungry sweetheart?”

“Yeah. Shall we have dinner now then?”

“Might as well.”

It was early yet, but what did schedules matter to them here?

“I'll do it,” offered Seb, thinking Mark should rest if he was tired.

“You don't have to.”

“No I want to.”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“If you want to darling. Shall we go see what's in?”

 

They got up and went through to the kitchen to discover what food had mysteriously appeared in their kitchen as it always seemed to every couple of days. The delivery was never seen, yet all they needed kept materialising as if by magic. Mark suspected the slightly put apon Kurt had yet more duties when they were off having fun on the slopes.

Seb was investigating the fridge and pulled out a few things.

“Stir fry?”

Mark leaned in and kissed his cheek.

“Stir fry sounds great darling. Shall I be sous chef?”

Sebastian smiled and handed him a pile of vegetables. They set to work preparing dinner in the kitchen that was almost beginning to feel like home. Almost but not quite. Sebastian glanced over to an empty corner of the kitchen then looked back at Mark.

“Shadow and Simba would like it here.”

“Not sure what they'd make of all this snow.”

“Ha, yeah I guess, but they'd like the house.”

“Mm. No doubt,” Mark agreed, thinking how used they both were to having their dogs follow them around all the time.

“I miss them.”

Mark smiled at how sad Seb sounded, only causing Sebastian to pout at him smiling. He huffed a little laugh.

“I know darling. Me too. See them soon won't we?”

“Last day.”

“Yeah well, can't have it both ways. Be nice to be home in a way.”

Sebastian lost the pout and nodded.

“Yeah. I wonder how the builders are getting on?”

Mark shrugged.

“No emergency phone calls, so hopefully all good. We'll see soon enough.”

“Yeah,” Seb agreed.

He turned back to cooking their food thinking how he would be glad in a way to be doing this at home again before long. This trip was fun, but home was home.

  
  


 

  
  


Later on they lay on the sofa, the fire burning in front of them. Sebastian laughed as Mark yawned yet again.

“Tired Liebling?”

Mark smiled back.

“Yeah.”

He unwrapped his arms from around Seb to stretch them out above him in an attempt to try to wake himself up, but as he did Mark pulled a face and groaned.

“Urgh. Think I've used muscles I didn't even know I had this week.”

Sebastian smiled and flicked up his eyebrows.

“That isn't what I meant,” Mark smiled back. “Although...”

Seb coughed a laugh.

“Tell you what, I promised you a massage in return for mine didn't I?" he offered.

“Oh?”

“I mean if you want. Only if you're not too tired.”

“That is tempting,” Mark noted.

“Mm. So?”

Sebastian sat up and Mark went with him. Lying curled up together on the sofa was very nice, but the prospect of a massage was even better.

  
  


  
  


They went upstairs, Sebastian taking charge as he fetched a spare sheet from the drying room and spread it on the bed before retrieving the bottle of bath-oil from the bathroom.

“This'll do won't it?” he checked.

“Very professional darling.”

Sebastian smiled diffidently and shrugged.

“Not really. I'll just be making it up.”

Mark gave a shake of his head.

“Nothing wrong with improvising. That's all I did the other day. Now then, where do you want me?”

“Um, well on the bed, wherever you like, whatever feels comfortable.”

“Righto.”

 

Sebastian turned the bedside lamps on and closed the curtains, then switched off the main light so it was a more restful atmosphere. Mark grinned as he pulled his top off.

“I feel like there should be whale music playing.”

“If you're going to take the piss...”

Mark laughed and swooped in to kiss Seb's cheek.

“Never darling. I'm only teasing. Now then, everything off?”

Sebastian's smile returned and he shrugged.

“Up to you.”

Mark paused for a dead-pan moment then pulled the rest of his clothes off before lying down on his front.

“I'm all yours sweetheart,” he announced as he turned to look at Sebastian.

“Aren't you though?” Seb grinned, taking a step towards him and running a hand over Mark's back.

“I feel at something of a disadvantage here.”

Sebastian looked down at his own clothes as if only just remembering that he had them on.

“Well that won't do will it?” he smiled.

 

Sebastian smoothed his hands over Mark's oiled skin, trying to copy what Mark had done for him the other day. He smiled to hear him make a pleased noise and leaned over Mark to dip down to kiss below his ear.

“Is that nice Liebling?”

Mark turned his head a little more to see him.

“Very nice darling.”

Seb rubbed his thumbs over the muscles in Mark's shoulders.

“I'm still just improvising,” he admitted.

“Carry on improvising,” Mark encouraged.  
  


Seb did as he was asked to and worked as best he could to undo all the knots in the muscles in Mark's body. It took more effort than he'd expected, but Sebastian tried to be systematic about it, going from toe to head without allowing himself to get too diverted by the fact he was constantly running his hands over Mark's naked body. It really was incredibly distracting, but he had a job to do and Sebastian was determined to do it as well as he could to help Mark so he could pay him back just a little.

As he stroked his hands down over the muscles in Mark's back, Sebastian concentrated on either side of the base of his spine, hearing the satisfied little noises Mark let out in response.

“Good?”

“God yeah,” Mark agreed.

Sebastian worked over that spot again, then smoothed his hands lower, continuing to massage the flesh as he reached Mark's arse. Mark began laughing, his whole body vibrating under Sebastian as he leaned over him.

“How am I meant to concentrate if you do that?” Seb challenged.

Mark laughed again and turned his head further to see him.

“How am I meant to not react when you do that?”

“Well...”

Sebastian smiled and as Mark smiled more he ended up laughing with him.

“You're distracting me,” Seb complained.

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“You have no idea how distracted I am right now.”

“Oh?”

“Mmm.”

Sebastian gave him a look in reply and Mark moved one arm from lying by his side to push himself onto his front. Seb sat up and burst out laughing at the sight that demonstrated just how distracted Mark was.

“Hey this is your fault,” claimed Mark.

 

Seb was still shaking with laughter and Mark tried to push himself to sit up, but Seb put a hand on his chest to make him lie back down.

“I'm not finished,” Sebastian insisted, whilst trying to compose his face.

He turned more to face the top of the bed to pick up the bottle of oil and poured a little more into his hands, then rubbed them together to warm it before stroking them over Mark's chest.

Mark looked at him, a grin on his face.

“You could aim a little lower if you wanted to sweetheart.”

Sebastian smirked and worked upwards instead.

“Urgh you're so cruel,” Mark complained.

“No I'm not. I'm nice.”

“You're very nice.”

Seb teased Mark and sent his hands further down Mark's chest, still refusing to look any lower. He picked the bottle up again and poured some more oil onto Mark's stomach, making him jump slightly.

“Ah!”

Sebastian grinned wickedly.

“Oh sorry. Was that too cold Liebling?”

“A bit.”

“Shall I warm it up?”

Mark swallowed and set his head back, diverting his brain by looking at the ceiling as Seb smoothed the slick all over his middle, rubbing around and down, _down_.

“Oh god,” gasped Mark, his head jolting back to look at what Seb was doing.

Sebastian looked back at Mark from where he'd finally worked his way down to feel just how hard Mark was.

“Should I stop?” he asked innocently.

Mark propped himself up on his elbows and gave a little shake of his head.

“Christ no.”

Seb's cheeks twitched with restrained laughter as he ran his oiled hand over Mark once again.

“Does that feel nice?”

Mark's mouth had parted, his chest moving a little more.

“Nice?” Seb teased.

 

Mark closed his eyes for a moment, the heat rushing though his skin. His eyes popped back open as he took a sharp breath. He looked at Seb more seriously and reached out to put his hand on Seb's arm to stop him.

“Come here.”

He put his other hand on Sebastian's left arm and pulled him forwards, Seb allowing himself to be tugged in to kiss Mark. He leaned into him and stroked his hands down either side of Mark's upper arms, his oil-coated hands sliding smoothly down over his skin.

 

Mark slowly leaned back and Seb went with him, moving to place his body over Mark's. They began to move together, their movement aided by the fact that Sebastian's body was now partially coated in the oil too. The massage forgotten as they indulged in other ways to help each other feel good.

Mark had deliberately got the oil on his hands so he could rub it into Seb's skin, scarcely thinking about where he was putting them until he noticed how Sebastian's breathing had sped up and Mark paused kissing him for a moment to slip his hand between them to confirm that Seb was just as hard as he was, getting a gratifyingly breathy gasp in response.

“Darling.”

Sebastian pulled away from kissing at Mark's jaw, lifting his head a fraction to look at him.

Mark smiled at him and merely gave Seb a little flick of his eyebrows. Seb smiled back and nodded. No words required.

 

Sebastian sat up, reaching in the bedside drawer for the lube, depositing it on the bed with a grin. He repositioned himself to sit straddling Mark properly and Mark pushed down either side on the bed to sit up with him. He put his hands on Seb's arse and hitched him a little closer then kissed him slowly, already knowing how easy this was going to be, how close they were already. He kissed again at a spot by his ear, then whispered there.

“Have I mentioned lately how much I'm enjoying married life?”

Seb smiled and fitted his arms around Mark's neck, intentionally moving himself against him, making Mark take in a sharp breath and laugh at the same time.

“Mmm, me too Liebling.”

Mark grinned and began kissing him again while he reached for the bottle beside him. Seb lifted himself up a little to ease things along while Mark began to touch him. Easy, easy, _slow_ , no rush. They just had to remember to breathe.

  
  


  
  


They ended up in a tangle, Mark above Seb hardly knowing how he'd got there. His arms straining to hold himself up as they slowed and came to a stop, both exhausted. Mark put his weight into his elbows and pressed his cheek against Seb's, neither capable of speech as their hearts pounded together. Mark closed his eyes and simply concentrated on that, just breathing and the feeling of Sebastian, not moving until they had to.

Eventually Mark shifted and lay on his side by Sebastian, stroking his hand over his skin while Seb just lay there, staring at him. He didn't think he could do anything else. Seb's breathing had slowed but his heart was still working too hard and his head was spinning. Mark moved his hand and ran a finger over Seb's cheek.

“You okay darling?”

Sebastian gave him a little nod, still feeling dazed. He lay there loosely and allowed Mark to slip his hand beneath him so he could pull him in closer. Mark smiled at the way Sebastian nuzzled into him. This always felt like them at their most instinctive, their closest moments, in some ways the most important.

Mark kept him in close and continued to gently smooth his hands over Seb. This was how they were, how they should be. It was what Seb always needed and Mark knew he needed it too. Mark grazed his fingers carefully over Sebastian's shoulder-blade and smiled gently as Seb rubbed his cheek into Mark's chest and tightened his hold slightly around Mark's middle. Mark trailed his fingers inwards round the curve of Seb's skin and angled his head down to see the little smile on Seb's face as he did so. He had to take his time, be careful with him to let Sebastian know how much he valued him. When Mark thought back to their very first time he could hardly believe how stupid he'd been in rushing things and leaving Seb alone far too soon. Seb needed to feel cared for, to feel valued, to feel loved. You couldn't rush that. It was incredible how great it made Mark feel too.

  
  


He left it to Sebastian to signal that he was ready. Seb moved his leg that was wound around Mark's and rubbed the arch of his foot along Mark's calf, smiling at how smoothly it went.

“You're still all oily.”

Mark huffed a laugh and pulled Seb up higher to have his face level with him. His hands slipping a little on his skin.

“So are you sweetheart.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and sighed it out.

“We should shower.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

 

They left it another minute then helped each other sit up. Mark huffed a laugh as he looked at the state of the sheet they were lying on.

“Good job you put this down.”

Sebastian glanced down and nodded.

“We'll throw it in the wash.”

“Sure.”

Mark leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“As massages go I have to rate that as one of the best.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“ _One_ of the best?”

Mark grinned.

“Definitely top five material.”

Seb batted at his arm and Mark laughed.

“Okay okay, top three.”

“Mark!”

Sebastian narrowed his eyes and Mark relented, leaning in to give him a kiss.

“The best darling. Obviously.”

“Thank you.”

“Although I think it's a good job we won't be skiing tomorrow. I'm knackered.”

Seb laughed and nodded.

“Yeah me too. It's okay, we don't have to get up too early, just chuck our stuff in bags and we're good to go aren't we?”

“Sure. Come on then darling, shower and sleep.”

He offered out a hand and Seb took it, pausing only to let go so he could pull the spare sheet off the bed and bundle it up to dump in the corner of the room. That done, Mark took his hand and led him away. A much needed shower to refresh their skin, their brains. A chance to run their hands all over one another again and stay pressed in close.

 

Mark reached to switched the shower on, the water warming quickly so they could step in and clean up. Mark stood behind Seb, resting his chin on Seb's shoulder and putting their temples together, his arms wrapped right around him, their bodies aligned.

“I love you so much.”

Seb smiled and folded his arms over Mark's as he leaned his head just a little more into him.

“Love you too Liebling.”

Mark gave him just a little squeeze and they stayed that way, the warm water running over them. They'd go to bed, sleep deeply for as long as they could, then it would be time to rush around, to pack and clear out of their temporary home. Kurt would drive them through the snowy landscape until they reached the airport and then it would be travelling again; Waiting and rushing, documents and informations screens. Going where and when they were told, shuffling along in lines to sit on another plane. They'd cuddle up together as best they could, try to sleep, try to pretend they were still in their own little world, but it wouldn't be like this. This they should hang onto for as long as possible.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Finally back home, Mark and Sebastian followed the building manager around the extension, trying to pretend to listen to all he was telling them about the work they had done while they were away, but they were far too tired to really take any of it it.

“So all good really,” continued the man as he led them back through from the largely finished gym area, back past the changing room they'd already looked at and into the wide open space with the pool. “Glazers have finished and the tiling specialist we use starts tomorrow for the pool itself.”

“Uh huh,” mumbled Mark.

“Looks good,” assured Seb.

The man looked at them and realised he'd been racing through this when they were tired from their journey.

“Anyway we can go over everything tomorrow when we're back in,” he offered. “The air conditioning and the damp-proofing's done, but... yeah anyway, tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

He nodded and Sebastian tried a smile as he leaned in to Mark, stood by the edge of the almost completed pool, looking at the series of large french windows that made up the long side into the back garden. So close to getting finished now. They'd made leaps and bounds over the past ten days, but he and Mark were far too worn through to appreciate it properly.

The man had been about to tackle discussing the tricky business of knocking through to link the extension to the main house, but that was going to have to wait. Clearly they weren't quite up to it just now. Skiing must take it out you. Not his idea of a nice relaxing holiday.

“Thanks,” offered Seb. “You've clearly all been working hard.”

“Just doing our job. Anyway, we'll finish up.”

“Yeah thanks,” nodded Mark. “Sorry, we've been travelling since yesterday, our brains are just a bit mangled.”

The manager nodded and smiled.

“No problem. We'll speak tomorrow then.”

 

They went back through to the house, darkness already falling as they crossed the driveway while the builders packed up and left for the day. Mark shut the door behind him and they each huffed out a long sigh.

“It's cold,” observed Mark.

Seb huffed a dry little laugh.

“Not as cold as we have been.”

“No guess not. Cup of tea?”

Seb smiled and nodded. Proper tea, English tea, tea made by Mark. Home.

 

Mark handed him the mug and Sebastian leaned into his side as they drank at the kitchen table, the dogs pressed into their legs, still not over their joy at having them home.

“Why don't we light the fire, curl up on the sofa?” proposed Seb.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Sounds perfect darling.”

  
  


They went through with their tea, built a fire, then Mark went over to the window to close the curtains. As he looked out into the dark he huffed a laugh and turned to Sebastian who was flicking on a couple of lamps to light the room.

“I don't believe it,” smiled Mark.

“What?”

“It's snowing.”

Sebastian went over, Shadow and Simba doing their best to trip him up as they wound around his legs. As he reached Mark Seb stopped and stared out of the window at the softly falling flakes illuminated in the light coming from the house. He shook his head and smiled at Mark.

“Typical.”

Mark smiled back and put his arm around him.

“Yeah well, guess we're on honeymoon for a little while longer darling.”

“Few more days,” smiled Seb.

A few more days of being together as they should be before work and family and real life intruded.

Sebastian closed the curtains, then slipped his hand into Mark's and led him to the sofa, the dogs trailing along in their wake to take up their place on the floor beside them as Mark and Seb nestled in together on the sofa. Just them for a little while longer. They ought to make the most of it.

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish we had snow instead of all this rain. Ah well, hope you all had a nice Christmas/New Year.


	120. Honeymoon's Over - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to business then.

* * *

 

  


Now they were home Mark and Seb knew that they had to get down to business. They gave themselves a pass for the day after they got home, though as it was Pauline's usual day to come over they were at least up having breakfast by the time she came around. They persuaded her to sit at the kitchen table with them, offering her tea and telling her a little of their holiday while she in turn appraised them of all that had been going on in their absence. Thankfully there wasn't too much to tell, just the usual comings and goings. Pauline informed them she had been keeping a close eye on the builders to make sure that they were getting on okay.

“It looks almost finished now the roof's done and the windows are in,” Seb noted.

“Mm. Good job this snow didn't come any earlier or it might have put the kibosh on things,” added Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh thinking that the dusting of snow that sat outside now hardly compared to where they had been in America.

“I don't think we'll be skiing on it.”

Mark smiled and gave a tip of his head.

“No, well anyway.”

“I'm just glad you enjoyed yourselves,” settled Pauline.

Sebastian glanced at Mark and they tried not to smile too much.

“We did, thank you, and you're so kind looking after these guys.”

Mark gave Simba a little rub as he sat by his leg at the table.

“Oh it's never any trouble,” Pauline dismissed. “Right, well I suppose I should be getting on with things.”

Mark shook his head.

“We only just got back. I'm sure the house isn't that much of a tip yet.”

“Well...”

“It's fine. Just stay and have some tea.”

“I could sort your washing? You must have all the things you took away with you?” offered their housekeeper.

Mark held up a hand and shook his head.

“It's fine. Really, we've not even unpacked yet.”

 

Pauline glanced around, wondering what she could do. There would be a bit of washing up from their breakfast, but no doubt they'd say no to that too. She observed how closely they were sat together and wondered if they didn't want to be alone and this was their polite hint. She set down her mug.

“All done thank you. If you don't need me I suppose I'll push on.”

Pauline rose and the other two copied her.

“Oh you're still okay for the weekend aren't you?” checked Seb.

“Yes. You're visiting your parents?”

“Yeah that's right. Only overnight.”

“Of course. No problem. Well I'll see you Thursday then.”

“Yep.”

“Thanks Pauline,” added Mark.

“I'll let myself out, you finish your tea.”

Pauline went round and gave the dogs a little stroke.

 

Sebastian smiled at the affectionate way the animals responded to her.

“You'll take care driving in the snow won't you?”

Pauline smiled and touched his arm, thinking how sweet he was.

“Of course. It's only a few minutes away.”

“We should have texted and let you know not to bother. I'm afraid we've not been very with it since we got back,” apologised Mark. “Sorry you've had a wasted journey.”

“Nonsense. It's nice to see you back and have a catch up. See you then.”

 

Pauline went to fetch her coat and let herself out, leaving the pair stood alone in the kitchen. Sebastian turned to Mark.

“We should tell her. I feel really bad about it.”

Mark stroked his hand down Sebastian's arm.

“Me too, but we have to tell our families first.”

“Yeah I guess. You don't think she noticed our rings?”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Believe me sweetheart, if she'd clocked them we'd have known about it.”

“Yeah guess so.”

Sebastian paused and looked up at him.

“It's going to be okay isn't it?”

“Telling people?”

“Yeah.”

“Course.”

Seb nodded, but Mark could see tension in his face so he leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Come on, no fretting. Today's our day off. Do you want more tea?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

They discounted thinking about anything more taxing than enjoying each other's company for a little while longer. They were still off the clock so it didn't count. They could just walk the dogs, nose around the work on the extension, unpack. No worrying about anything too serious just yet.

  


  


  


They kept finding excuses to avoid biting the bullet and talking to their families. They had texted rather than rung to let them know that they were safe home from their trip. Speaking would have made avoiding telling them their news feel rather more like lying than a short message. On the Wednesday they spent time looking at the finer details of the pool and discussing the last bits of work that needed completing with the extension.

Then on the Thursday Seb was in work for most of the day, catching up on developments and trying them out on the sim, so that counted as a write-off too. He braced himself and called in at Dr. Phillips' office to fulfil his promise to Mark and ask that the team doctor arrange to get his painkillers replaced ready for the new season. He ended up having to confess that he'd suffered a headache while he'd been away, which was uncomfortable but Seb knew he couldn't lie. Thankfully the doctor didn't make too big a deal of it, though Seb knew he'd be keeping an eye on him going forwards. It was his job he supposed, so Sebastian decided to forget it, not wanting to let work stress begin this early in the year.

 

 

Only on the Friday did they appreciate that the next day they were flying out to see Sebastian's family as arranged before they went away and thus would unavoidably have to face the issue. It felt impossible to leave it until they were out in Australia in over a month to wait to tell Mark's family in person, so they had to do it over the phone. It wasn't ideal, but it was what it was.

“Do you want me to be on with you?” Seb asked as they stood mulling over the issue after walking the dogs following breakfast.

Mark puffed his cheeks and let the air out.

“Dunno sweetheart. It's a bit tricky. Think I should talk to them first.”

“Course. No problem.”

“Sit with me though yeah?” Mark requested.

 

Sebastian nodded and they went through to the lounge. They sat on the sofa together, Mark lining up his parents' number on his phone to dial, his finger hovering ready to press 'call'. Sebastian slipped his hand into Mark's spare one and gave it a little squeeze.

“It'll be fine, right?”

“Course,” agreed Mark.

He couldn't work out why he felt so apprehensive. His family only wanted him to be happy. Perhaps it was the guilt from having held off telling them. If that was the case, then the sooner he did it the better. It was like ripping a plaster off. He just had to do it.

Mark pressed dial and squeezed Seb's hand back.

“Hello Mark.”

“Hi Dad. Is Mum there?”

“Course, hang on.” Mark heard his father's faintly muffled voice. “Di love, it's Mark.” The voice came back stronger. “Hang on Mark I just need to do that thing. Where's the button Di?”

Mark smiled at Sebastian as he waited for his parents to sort themselves out. There was a pause and a few beeps as the wrong buttons were pressed, then his mother's voice came over.

“Hello dear. Nice of you to ring. Are you over your jet-lag then?”

“Oh, um, yeah I guess. We're still taking it pretty easy.”

“Good. Make the most of it sweetheart, you know how it gets when the season starts.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, certainly do.”

“Is Seb there?”

Mark smiled to his side.

“Yeah he's here.”

“Hello Seb dear,” greeted his mother.

“Ah, um, I hadn't put it on speaker...”

 

Mark hesitated, but it felt strange to not do so now, so he put his mobile phone on speaker and set it on his knee, giving Seb a helpless little shrug.

“Mum says hello.”

“Oh, hi Diane.”

“Hello dear. How are you?”

“I'm fine. You?”

“All good. You wouldn't believe how hot it's been.”

Sebastian laughed.

“It's been snowing here.”

“Has it?”

“You must have brought the weather with you,” noted Mark's father.

“Yeah. Oh hi Alan.”

“Hi Seb. You'll be happy then. Mark always says you like the snow.”

Sebastian smiled at Mark who shrugged and mouthed _'sorry,_ ' getting a shaken head in reply. It was always strange to hear what people said about you, but Seb couldn't be annoyed at something so harmless being passed on.

“Yeah it's nice. Not so much left now, but pretty cold.”

Alan huffed a laugh.

“Think if we visit we'll have to do it in the summer.”

“Um about that,” intervened Mark.

“Mm?”

“Yeah, um...”

Mark's mind went blank and his words deserted him.

“It's just an idea Mark. We know you're very busy.”

“No no, of course we'd love to have you. In the summer, actually we were hoping to have people over, a bit of a gathering.”

“That sounds nice dear,” offered his mother.

“Mm, we'll need to try to co-ordinate people, but yeah anyway, umm, that's sort of why I'm calling.”

“About the summer?”

“Oh. No. Well not exactly...”

Mark pulled a face at Seb, feeling stage-fright take over.

“I, um, _we_ that is, we wanted to talk to you, to tell you something,” he stumbled.

Far away in Australia his parents looked at one another, wondering why Mark was behaving so strangely.

 

“Is everything alright son?” asked his father.

“Fine, fine... Yeah good. Really good actually. It's just we've got some news.”

His parents had become too well acquainted with Mark's tone of voice when he had troubling matters to tell them and this didn't sound like that.

“Good news?” pressed Alan.

“Yeah. At least I hope you'll think so.”

Mark tensed his shoulders up, then he dived in. Sebastian sat quietly by his side as he had originally intended to.

“Okay, so, umm, yeah...” Mark stopped again. “Okay so I hope you're not going to be annoyed with us, well me that is.”

“Annoyed?” frowned his mother.

“Yeah. Because we didn't tell you. We just sort of went ahead and did it.”

“Did what?”

Mark unconsciously tightened his grip on Seb's hand.

“We got married.”

 

There was a silence that stretched the full ten thousand miles between them.

 

“You got married?” echoed his mother.

“Yeah.”

Mark pulled an anxious face to Seb.

“Don't be mad at us.”

“Mad at you? Why would we be mad at you?”

“We didn't tell you.”

“Well...”

His mother puffed out a long breath, so his father answered.

“Congratulations.”

Mark let out a little laugh in relief.

“Um thanks.”

“You got married?” repeated his mother, still trying to get her head around the news.

“Yeah. Look I'm sorry we didn't tell you. We just wanted to do it without any palaver, so we just went and did it,” Mark explained.

“I see.”

“Please don't be annoyed Mum.”

“We're not annoyed.”

“You're not?”

“No of course not.”

Diane took in a deep breath and her husband put his arm around her.

“That's great Mark, Seb,” Alan offered.

“Thanks.”

“Um, yeah thanks,” piped up Seb.

Hearing Seb's voice seemed to wake Diane up as she remembered he was there.

“Of course that's wonderful news,” she assured. “My goodness. Why didn't you mention you were planning this when you were here?”

Mark coughed an awkward little laugh.

“Ah well because we weren't,” he admitted. “I think, maybe... I don't know, maybe it was somewhere at the back of my mind, but no, we just, well I guess I brought it up after Christmas, New Year actually and so yeah, we just did it.”

“Right.”

“And I really am sorry we didn't tell you, but we just wanted to be married without taking ages over at all and well, yeah, I suppose we just sort of leapt in and did it.”

His father let out a laugh and shook his head.

“I suppose we shouldn't be surprised.”

“No?”

“No, well, racing drivers rushing in. Par for the course isn't it?”

“I guess you're right.”

Something suddenly clicked in Diane's head.

“Oh your holiday.”

“Um, yeah.”

“It wasn't just a holiday was it? It was your honeymoon.”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked to Seb guiltily as his mother tsk'd over the phone.

“And not a word. Honestly Mark.”

“We just wanted to be married Mum. It's important.”

 

Her husband gave her a look and Diane relented as she realised what he was trying to say.

“Of course. Well... Ah well that's great then isn't it?”

“Thanks. And yeah I guess we did rush it a bit, but we just wanted it all sorted before the season starts up again. I mean Seb's got testing in a couple of weeks,” Mark explained.

“Yes, well I suppose that's good then.”

“Yeah. Anyway what I mentioned at the beginning, having everyone over in the summer. That's what it'd be for, sort of anyway.”

“A delayed celebration?” suggested his father.

“Yeah.”

“We thought we could try to get everyone over at once,” contributed Sebastian.

“Your family too?” asked Diane.

“Yeah. We've not spoken to them yet, but that's the idea.”

“Well that will be very nice. Have you spoken to Leanne Mark?”

Mark smiled.

“No she's next. I didn't think I could trust her not to call you quicker than I could redial,” joked Mark.

“Ha, you might be right,” agreed his father. “Well we'll let you give her the news.”

“Thanks. And really thank you for being so good about this.”

“Nonsense, we're just a little surprised,” insisted his father.

“But not really,” noted his mother. “Not now I think about it.”

“It just makes sense,” confirmed Mark. “Nothing's really changed. We just wanted to be official.”

“Of course. Well you are now aren't you?”

“Yeah.”

“And you're happy?”

“We're very happy,” confirmed Mark. “Never better.”

“Good. Then that's all that matters.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah really,” added Seb. “I hope my parents are as good as you about it.”

“Oh of course they will be sweetheart. I'm looking forward to meeting them properly in the summer.”

“Thanks Di.”

“I suppose we'd better let you call your sister then,” allowed Alan.

“Yeah. Cheers Dad.”

 

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Mark letting out a big sigh of relief and dropping sideways into Seb, who smiled and put his arm around him.

“God why was that so bloody hard?” let out Mark.

Seb gave him a look. “We've not done my parents yet.”

“They'll be okay.”

“Hm.”

“It'll be fine. Bound to be easier in person.”

“Yeah I guess,” Sebastian accepted. “Shall we call your sister then?”

“Yeah. Leanne'll be alright.”

“I'm sure.”

Seb retrieved Mark's phone from where it had slipped onto the couch and passed it back to him, ready to dial to go through that experience again.

 

  


 

“Oh my god you didn't?”

Mark and Sebastian couldn't help laughing.

“Yeah we did,” Mark confirmed.

“Bloody hell. Dean, _Dean!”_

Mark shook his head at his sister shouting across the room. The phone went quiet and he looked at Seb, both knowing that she was busy telling her husband their news.

“Right. I'm back, sorry,” Leanne apologised.

“Have you just been broadcasting it to the neighbourhood?” asked Mark.

“Ach, is it still a secret?”

“Well it kind of is, yeah.”

“Oh.”

“I haven't even told my family yet,” explained Seb.

“Ah right.”

“We're going at the weekend.”

“I see.”

“And then we're going to have to find a way to, well I don't know, we'll have to tell our teams and then, well I guess we'll let people know.”

“You mean the public?”

“Well yeah.”

“I see. Well... blimey. Guess we'd better not tell the kids just yet.”

“Mm.”

“It's just a complicated,” added Mark.

“Why am I not surprised?” smiled his sister.

“No, well...”

“Yeah okay, we'll keep it under our hats for now. That's great though. Wow. _Gahd_ you do like springing things on us don't you?”

“We just wanted to be married,” repeated Mark for what felt like the fiftieth time.

“Yeah I know. Course. That makes sense, but still, wow. Okay, tell me all about it.”

 

Mark filled her in, Seb largely staying quiet by his side. Leanne only sighed a little when told that they had married in Oxford.

“Will you at least send me some pictures?” she requested.

“Of course.”

“And you had a good day for it?”

“Yeah it was pretty cold, but yeah a good day.”

Leanne sighed again.

“Ah it sounds nice.”

“Thanks. I mean it would have been nice to have people there, but you know what it's like trying to organise things and we just wanted to get on with it.”

“Mm. Oh well. I suppose that's what the summer will take care of.”

“That's the idea. You'll be able to make it then? We can pay for flights,” Mark offered.

“I'm sure we can sort it. We were looking to come anyway weren't we?”

“True.”

Leanne smiled.

“You weren't already sneakily planning this when you asked were you?”

“No.”

“We really weren't,” insisted Seb, not wanting Leanne to think they'd deceived them any more than they already had by not telling them earlier.

“It just sort of happened,” Mark added.

His sister coughed.

“It just sort of happened?” she echoed disbelievingly.

“No well, obviously it wasn't an accident, but once we'd decided we just went ahead and did it, then yeah that was that.”

“Not very romantic,” she complained.

“No it was,” Seb intervened.

“Yeah it's just we didn't want to waste any time,” added Mark.

“No indeed. You certainly didn't do that. Ah well, I suppose as you say, you were just making things official.”

“Yeah,” confirmed Mark. “To be honest I think it felt more of a change in the summer when we properly moved in together.”

“We should have got married then really,” Seb noted.

“Yeah.”

 

Leanne heard the note of regret in her brother's voice and she knew why that was. No wonder they felt the need to have their relationship properly recognised.

“Ah well, you've done it now. Does it feel good to be married then?”

Mark smiled and put his arm around Seb to give him a little squeeze.

“Yeah it feels great,” Mark affirmed happily.

Sebastian smiled and leaned in close to him as he added, “we've been sorting out about our name this week.”

“Your name?”

“Our surname.”

There was a pause, then Leanne finally clicked.

“Oh my god you're changing your name? What to?”

Mark grinned, knowing his sister was going to be amused by this more than anything.

“Vettel-Webber.”

Leanne fell about laughing.

“Oh my god! Oh wow, really?”

“Yeah. It's just the way round that sounds right when you put them together,” Mark explained.

His sister was still laughing so he shook his head and intervened.

“It's not _that_ funny.”

“Oh I mean no, it's not, it's great, but the press are just going to love that juicy detail.”

“You reckon?”

“Yeah 'fraid so. Ah well. No it's great, of course it is. It's lovely really.”

“We just wanted to have a proper joint name,” Sebastian explained.

“Oh course you did. I'm only teasing. It'll just take a bit of getting used to. So you've done it officially then?”

“We've filled in all the paperwork and we're sorting passports and stuff now we're back, but not the racing side yet.”

“Oh?”

“We need it changed for our racing licenses and things,” Mark noted.

“Ah right.”

“But of course once we get in touch with that lot it's bye-bye to keeping it private.”

“Of course. Well I'm sure that'll all be fine.”

“We just have to work our way through telling the people we need to first.”

“So when are you telling your family then Seb?” asked Leanne.

“We're going over to see them tomorrow.”

“Well I'm sure it'll all be fine.”

“Mm.”

“How was Mum?” Leanne asked her brother.

“Fine.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Why do you think she won't be?”

“No no I'm sure she will. I think she'll be sad not to have had the chance to wear a big hat though.”

Mark gave Seb a sideways glance.

“Yeah well she can wear a hat in the summer if she likes. To be honest Leanne, all that fuss is why we kinda skipped ahead in the first place.”

“Yeah. Ah well I'm sure she'll be alright.”

“Will you talk to her, smooth things over?”

“Course. I'm sure she's just happy for you.”

“But you'll let me know?”

“Of course I will. I'm sure they'll just be happy you're all settled now. Besides you'll be back over soon won't you? That'll help so they can give you their congratulations properly.”

“Yeah. Hopefully.”

 

“Ah and you really are the kids' uncle now Seb,” smiled Leanne. “That's nice. Ryan will be thrilled. He loved the stuff you sent over by the way.”

“Good, I'm glad. It was only a few bits and pieces from the factory,” Seb noted.

“Well it was thoughtful of you. He's very excited to be coming to see you at the race.”

“Great. I've passed that on at work so it should be sorted.”

“You've not told them yet about you two I presume?”

“No not yet. Family first,” Mark explained.

“Mm. Well it'll all be fine.”

“Hope so. We're not bothered about work anyway are we?”

“No. It's just family,” affirmed Seb.

“I'm sure your lot will be fine too.”

“Hope so.”

“Course it will,” settled Mark, not wanting Seb to worry about it.

“You've not got any other plans you want to share while you're at it?” asked his sister.

“What do you mean?”

“I don't know, just anything else you've got in mind.”

Mark frowned, unable to think what his sister could be getting at.

“Nope, think that's it for now. It's enough isn't it?”

His sister laughed.

“More than enough. Well that's marvellous news. I'm very happy for you both. Let us know how you get on and when I can tell the kids without putting my foot in it.”

“Sure.”

“And you'll send me those photos so I can ooh over them?”

Mark rolled his eyes at her teasing, but Seb was smiling so he ended up doing so as well.

“Course.”

“The Vettel-Webbers,” grinned Leanne. “Who'd have thought eh?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder and Mark gave him a smile thinking he could put up with teasing when it felt so good.

“Good luck with your lot Seb. I'm sure it'll be fine.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thanks,” Mark added. “And thanks for being so good.”

His sister tsk'd. “What else would I be? Daft things. Anyway congratulations again and we're looking forward to seeing you before long.”

“Us too. Hi to the rest.”

“Yep. Take care then.”

“Bye.”

Mark hung up and puffed out a breath as he sat back.

“Another one down,” he smiled.

Sebastian nodded and closed his eyes as he leaned into Mark, hoping his own family would be so relaxed about hearing the news.

  


  


  


  


 

Late the next morning the pair stood on the doorstep of Seb's family home in Germany. Both his sisters' cars were parked in front so they knew that they were the last to arrive. When this had been arranged it had been on the pretext of getting to see them all before testing started and Stef and Jan's baby was due, but by the time Sebastian had got in touch to fix the date he already had another reason and as they stood there he gripped Mark's hand, feeling as nervous as he had done a year ago.

Mark gave him an encouraging smile.

“They'll be fine sweetheart. My lot were, weren't they?”

“Mm.”

Mark leaned in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek just as his brother opened the door. Fabian raised an eyebrow and Mark pulled away with a smile.

“Hello Fabe.”

“Hey Mark, Seb.”

Fabian gave them both hugs as they stepped inside and he led them through to the lounge.

“They're here,” announced Fabian.

As they walked into the room it was to hear Melanie sarcastically joking that they hadn't expected it to be Jehovah's Witnesses and Seb's brother huffing that she wasn't funny as he sat down on the far side of the sofa, the rest of it already set aside for Seb and Mark to sit beside him. Everyone else got up to greet them and exchanged hugs aside from his eldest sister. Sebastian leaned down to give Stef a hug where she sat, carefully making no comment about the fact that to his eyes she looked as though she'd stuffed a beach-ball under her top.

“You'll excuse me not getting up,” she noted as Mark leaned in to give her a hug as well.

“Of course. Blimey Stef, not long now.”

Stefanie laughed as her partner sat back down beside her and put a hand on her rounded stomach.

“Another month in theory.”

Mark smiled as they went to take their own seats.

“My sister informs me that babies rarely work to exact schedules.”

“True enough.”

“You're alright though?” Seb checked.

His sister nodded.

“Yeah fine. Just a last week of hand-overs in work then I'll be off thank god.”

“Must be tiring.”

“You have no idea,” she smiled.

Jan put his arm around her and Mark and Sebastian smiled to see how happy they seemed. Lots of changes in the family at the moment. Seb saw how indulgently his mother was looking at them and hoped that she would be as pleased for him and Mark.

  


They chit-chatted for a few minutes before his parents went to get a round of hot drinks in, taking Fabian with them to help. In their absence Mark chatted with Jan about his project he'd been telling him about over Christmas and his sisters nattered in the corner as Mel had her chair pulled up closer. Melanie leaned in to Stefanie as they glanced over.

“Those two look very cosy,” Mel whispered as she looked at Mark and Sebastian.

Stef laughed and raised an eyebrow.

“When don't they?”

“True,” smiled Mel.

 

She looked over again, watching the way her brother leaned into Mark. He had his hand on top of Mark's, merely smiling as he listened to what Mark was saying. Something caught the light coming in from the window, reflecting off the wall and it took Melanie a moment to connect what she was seeing. She stared at her brother's hand, at his third finger where a ring sat. Her jaw dropped as she saw a matching ring on Mark's finger and she let out a tiny gasp.

Sebastian looked up at her and saw his sister staring, open-mouthed. Stef was joining Jan saying something to Mark so everyone else was distracted as Seb and Mel looked urgently at one another across the room. Seb followed her gaze and realised what she had seen. He shook his head, mouthing; ' _please don't'._ Melanie goggled back, but her brother looked so anxious she hadn't the heart to tease him. Just then the rest came back through, bustling about with mugs of tea and coffee and a plate of biscuits that Fabian dutifully passed around. Seb accepted his drink without taking his eyes off his sister on the other side of the room. He saw her surprise turn to a grin and as his eldest sister went to say something to Mel, Seb worried that the game was up, but Melanie just gave him a tiny nod and he let out a sigh of relief.

He knew that meant they had to get on with it though, so as soon as everyone was settled back down Sebastian leaned in to Mark to whisper in his ear.

“We need to tell them.”

Mark nodded and gave his hand a little rub, then held on to it as he watched while Sebastian surveyed those around him, trying to judge if the moment was right to leap in.

 

“So you had a good time on your holiday?” asked his father as he sipped his fresh coffee.

“Hm? Yeah really good. Been a while since I skied, but yeah good,” Seb replied.

Mark was about to comment that his own skiing wasn't so great, but he guessed Sebastian didn't want the conversation extended.

“Well I think you look better for getting away,” added his mother.

“Thanks.”

“And you're all set for starting testing?” asked Norbert.

“Yeah getting there. I was in work the other day. Anyway...”

“Did you try the new car?” interrupted Fabian by his side.

Sebastian looked at his brother, trying not to be annoyed when he needed to talk about something rather more important.

“Yeah, kinda. Sat in it and tried the sim.”

“And you're looking good?” asked his father.

“Um, hard to tell. Guess we'll know when we do it for real in a couple of weeks.”

“Oh don't pester him,” intervened Heike, “they worry enough about all that.”

“I'm not pestering. I'm just interested,” insisted her husband.

Sebastian looked to Mark and hid a sigh. Why was this so difficult?

 

“It's all fine,” assured Seb. “But no, to be honest I've not been thinking too much about it yet, we've sort of had other things on our mind.”

“Oh?”

Sebastian avoided his sister's smile and held tightly onto Mark's hand.

“Um, yeah.” He took a deep breath and saw that the whole family was looking at him now. “Yeah so, the thing is, part of the reason we wanted to come this weekend, well we wanted to see you before the season started and testing and all that obviously and Stef of course, but yeah we, um, we need to tell you something.”

His parents looked at one another and his mother sat further forwards.

“Everything's alright isn't it?”

“Yeah everything's fine.”

Seb paused, wondering why it always seemed to be that he had to come here to make big announcements. Surely this was a good one? They'd just be happy for them, right?

 

He looked to his side and Mark gave him another little smile, wishing that he could help Seb out here, but there was nothing for it but to tell them.

“So yeah, we umm, wanted to tell you, Mark and I that is, we umm have a bit of an announcement.”

Sebastian's head was spinning the words; ' _ohgodohgodohgod_ ,' and his heart pounding, but he was past the point of no return now. He just had to do it. He felt Mark's hand in his, Mark's thumb rubbing over the back of his hand reminding Seb how he had done that during the wedding service to reassure him when he had been so nervous.

“Yeah so anyway.”

Seb tried to ignore the way everyone was clearly waiting on what he was about to say.

“We, umm... Mark and I, we got married.”

 

Sebastian stopped and scanned the room to see his family's reaction: His parents looked stunned. Stef and Jan were smiling, his other sister grinning as she knew she'd been right and as he looked out of the corner of his eye, Seb could see his brother looking as if he'd just been plunged head first into ice-water.

His father shook his head as if waking himself up.

“You _got_ married? Not, you're getting married?” he checked.

Sebastian felt his stomach clench as he noted the way his father said that.

“Um, no. We got married.”

“When?”

“About two weeks ago.”

“And you're only telling us now.”

Sebastian's heart sank.

“Yeah. I'm sorry. We were away and then, well we wanted to tell you in person,” he tried.

 

His mother shook her head, unable to think what to say. It was Jan who piped up, sitting forwards and giving Stef a glance to hint to her.

“Congratulations, that's great news.”

Sebastian smiled at him gratefully.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thanks mate,” added Mark.

Stef echoed the words and Mel did the same, only sounding mildly amused as she did so. Sebastian turned to his brother who still looked slightly in shock.

“I'm really sorry we didn't tell you. We just sort of went for it and then we went away of course so... well... I'm sorry we're only telling you now.”

Fabian nodded blankly and Sebastian didn't know what to add other than to apologise again.

“Thing is we just wanted to do it as fast as possible.”

“Why?” asked Fabian.

“We wanted to be married. To be official.”

“Yeah but...”

Fabian shook his head, still looking troubled.

“Why didn't you say?”

“We just... we didn't want a fuss. We just wanted to be married.”

 

“Why didn't you tell us you were planning this?” asked his mother from across the room.

Sebastian turned to her and gave an awkward shrug of his shoulders.

“We only decided at New Year. Then we just wanted to do it as quickly as possible.”

“Why such haste though?”

Stefanie looked at her mother who was sat on another sofa at an angle to her.

“You know why Mum.”

“Yes but...” Heike sighed and shook her head again. “Why do you never tell us things Seb?”

His mother sounded so accusatory and Sebastian felt awful.

“I'm sorry,” he apologised

“Even if you didn't want us there you could at least have told us.”

“It wasn't that we didn't want you there. It's just we just didn't want a fuss.”

“A fuss? We're your family. Why do you insist on keeping secrets from us?”

 

Sebastian bit his lip, feeling his insides drop away, the horrible sensation washing through him that any moment he was going to cry. Mark had let go Seb's hand to put his arm around him and he pressed into his side, desperately trying to stay composed.

“I'm sorry,” Seb repeated.

“ _Mum_ ,” intervened his sister Stefanie. “Can't you just be happy for them?”

“I am happy for them. I am Seb, Mark, really, but...” Heike sighed heavily.

“We don't understand why you don't talk to us,” added Norbert.

“Ah Dad that's not fair,” argued Melanie. “They're telling us now aren't they?”

“Well yes, but...” Norbert shook his head, wondering at how things ended up this way with their eldest son that they always had to learn about things after the fact. “Why don't you trust us?”

“I do trust you.”

“Then why didn't you say? Did you think we'd disapprove?”

“No, just... we didn't want for it to become a big thing having to organise it. All our families and all the stress, everyone having to fit in with everyone else and trying to get people over. We just wanted to be married,” Sebastian attempted to explain.

“It's my fault,” tried Mark. “My family's in Aus, so getting everybody over... It would have been complicated.”

“And we couldn't have you guys and not Mark's family, could we?” tried Seb.

“No I suppose. But even so you could have said.”

Sebastian looked down, his face tight and Mark squeezed him in.

Fabian by his side felt bad about how upset his brother looked.

“Did you just want to get it done before the season started?”

“Yeah that's it,” agreed Mark calmly as he tried to smooth things over.

 

Opposite them Norbert huffed out a breath and nodded.

“I suppose that makes sense, but really you could have said something.”

Mark could sense how distressed Sebastian was getting so he rubbed his hand over Seb's arm as he kept him held in.

“We're sorry, okay? It's not just Seb. We decided just to do it. To get married as fast as possible without telling anyone and having any fuss,” Mark tried to explain.

“We wouldn't have made a fuss,” asserted his mother.

Sebastian lifted his head and almost laughed as he looked at her.

“You're fussing now. I'm sorry Mum, but we knew as soon as we told everyone this is what would happen. It would become a drama and I'm sick of that. We didn't want getting married to be a big deal. We just wanted to get it done. We weren't really interested in the wedding, just being married.”

 

His mother's mouth had become a thin line as she tried to restrain herself from saying anything more. There was an awkward silence before his eldest sister offered something up.

“So when you were away you were on your honeymoon then?”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

“Well that's nice.”

“Mm.”

Stef looked to her sister, trying to get her to say something.

“You um, you hadn't been thinking of this for long?” tried Melanie.

“Oh no, I guess being with family over the break must have put it in my mind,” Mark explained, “but nothing concrete until we talked at New Year and then, well, we just went ahead and did it.”

Melanie nodded, looking to her sister to try to come up with something else helpful to add.

“And it all went okay? I mean where did you do it?”

“Oxford registry office. It's nice. Old building and all that.”

“Right.”

“And, forgive me, that means you're married, not just a civil thing?” asked Jan.

“No we're properly married, the full deal,” Mark confirmed. “No need to mess about with anything in-between these days in England.”

“Good. Right, I mean that's great isn't it Stef? If that's what you wanted.”

“Of course it is,” she agreed. “I wasn't sure what the law was over there these days.”

“No we're fine, just all the same, right sweetheart?”

Mark tipped his head to look at Sebastian who merely nodded. He sighed and gave Seb's arm another rub, knowing he was still upset at his parents' reaction.

 

Sebastian looked out at them, still wondering how to make this right.

“We didn't mean to leave you out. We just wanted to keep it simple.”

“So you didn't have anyone there?” asked his brother.

“No. Well, um, we just... You have to have two witnesses so we had that and well obviously the person doing the ceremony.”

“Right.”

Seb turned to face his brother, hoping that he was coming round to the idea.

“We were planning on having a bigger thing in the summer, a party of sorts or just, well a gathering anyway for our families and friends to all come over when we've got time to organise it.”

Fabian nodded and Seb looked out to the others.

“You'll come won't you?”

“Of course we will,” confirmed Stef.

“Yeah course,” echoed Mel.

“Thanks.”

 

“So you've not told anybody?” pressed Fabian.

“We called Mark's family yesterday because we were coming here today.”

“Right. Okay. But nobody else knows?”

“Um, some officials I guess.”

“Were they the witnesses?”

“Oh. No. We umm, we asked Jenson and Jess,” Seb confessed.

The moment the words came out of his mouth Sebastian regretted saying it. His brother looked appalled.

“I'm sorry. We just needed two,” tried Seb.

“So you asked them, not us.”

Sebastian could feel his chest getting tight.

“I'm sorry.”

“Fabe it was just the simplest thing,” explained Mark. “We weren't intentionally leaving you out.”

“Right.”

They both saw the way Fabian closed down, but neither Mark nor Sebastian could think what would mollify him. The deal was done, they couldn't go back and change things.

“It was just easier,” tried Sebastian.

His brother nodded, but Seb could tell he was unhappy.

“We're sorry, okay? It wasn't meant as a snub.”

Fabian gave them nothing back so Sebastian looked over at his parents instead, thinking they'd not spoken in a while.

“Are you angry with us?”

His mother sighed heavily.

“We're not angry. We're just disappointed you feel you can't tell us things.”

  


Sebastian looked at her and could come up with no reply. There was so much he hadn't told them. Far too much he never could. They had no idea. He carried that knowledge with him every day, but now it stabbed deep inside of him and Sebastian felt it as if the sharp pain really struck all the way to his heart. His face crumpled and Seb took in a sharp breath. He tried to stop it, but instead took several more snatched breaths, trying to hold himself back, before bursting into tears.

“Oh no, sweetheart don't,” implored Mark.

He turned and wrapped his arms around him as Seb buried his face in Mark's chest. Mark rubbed one hand over Sebastian's back to soothe him, leaning in to whisper in his ear.

“It's alright, it's alright darling.”

Mark couldn't help himself. He looked to Seb's parents and glared at them before returning his attention to Sebastian to try to calm him down.

His parents looked at one another, now feeling guilty themselves at their son's distress.

“ _Mum_ ,” hissed Stefanie.

“Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry Seb,” tried Heike.

“Why did you have to say that?” sighed Stef.

“I...”

Heike shook her head and saw the way that both her daughters were looking at her accusingly.

“I didn't mean to upset him. I just don't understand.”

She looked back over at how buried in Mark her son was. Mark's head was by his ear and he was clearly whispering something they couldn't hear.

“Why does he always do this?” asked Norbert despairingly.

Heike wheeled around to look at him.

“Well that's not helpful. He's sensitive isn't he? Seb's always been sensitive, even as a little boy.”

Norbert puffed a breath out and thought how true that was. Under the surface he presented to the world, their son had always been emotionally vulnerable. He looked at the way Mark hung on to him and wondered if that was partly what their relationship was about. Seb did seem to need somebody strong to hold onto.

 

Heike sighed and went over to duck down by her son and Mark. At first she couldn't get his attention as Seb was still buried in Mark's arms so she looked to him instead.

“I'm sorry Mark. That all came out wrong. We're just surprised.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb's arm a rub.

“Come on sweetheart it's okay. Your mum wants to talk to you.”

Sebastian lifted up to look at her, rubbing at his wet face with his sleeve.

“I'm sorry,” he apologised again.

“No _I'm_ sorry chick. We just, ah I don't know. I wish you'd said. You could have explained. If you didn't want us there we wouldn't have insisted.

Sebastian shook his head, taking several shuddery breaths as he tried to pull himself together.

“It wasn't that we didn't want you. Not like that.” He took another uneven breath before continuing. “It's just if we'd told people it would have got out of hand. You know it would. We just wanted to be married. We didn't want any stress.”

“But if you'd only _said_.”

Seb shook his head.

“You mean well. I know you do, but it all would have spiralled and that's not what we wanted.”

Sebastian took in a shaky breath and Mark pulled him in a little tighter, keeping one arm around him as Seb turned to his mother in front of him.

“I just...” Seb shook his head. “I just didn't want that. I didn't want getting married to be about that. No more stress.” He took in a sharp breath, his chest ever tighter. “I can't... My life, my whole life, it's so stressful and I, I can't...”

“Seb,” intervened Mark, worrying at how uneven he was getting.

 

Sebastian took another snatched breath and put his hand on his chest trying to slow himself down, but the heat was in his skin now, everything slipping out of control.

“I can't take any more stress. I couldn't... our wedding. I just... I can't... Sometimes... I just, I can't take any more.”

His mother was alarmed at how worked up he was. She leaned in closer, looking at him and then Mark whose face was also tensing up.

“Calm down chick, don't get so upset. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. We're pleased for you. We'd just like to have been included that's all.”

Mark sighed as Seb began crying again.

“Come on now sweetheart, it's alright. Your mum's alright with you,” Mark reassured, looking at Heike to confirm that.

“Course I am,” she assured. “Don't get yourself so worked up.”

Sebastian took several rapid intakes of breath, trying and failing to slow himself down.

“It's just, trying to make everyone happy, all the time... It's too much. I can't do it anymore. My life's so stressful and I just, I needed this not to be.”

“Oh Seb.” His mother's face fell and she thought she might cry herself in a minute. “Don't say that darling.”

“I can't help it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we left you out. I'm sorry we didn't tell you, but it would have got out of control and we just, we just needed to do it, we just needed to be married.”

“Yes okay, alright then,” Heike agreed.  


Seb looked her in the eye, wishing he could explain, but knowing he could never tell his mother all the terrible things he hid inside, how it would break her to know the truth. Tears spilled out as he seized in air.

“I'm sorry.”

“It's okay.”

Sebastian shook his head, knowing it wasn't.

“All my life... all this stress bearing down on me, never stopping, like a weight on my chest.”

Seb put his hand on his breastbone, pressing harder there.

“I needed it not to be like that. Not then. Not getting married. Not more stress.”

“Okay, we understand,” tried Heike.

Seb shook his head, knowing that she didn't.

“I can't take any more. Last year... I...” He shook his head unhappily again. “No more. It's too much. Sometimes I can't... I can't breathe.”

The last couple of words were squeezed out and Mark could feel how hard Sebastian's chest was working. The top of his cheeks had turned a tell-tale shade of pink and he was starting to struggle for air.

“I can't breathe,” Seb gasped, looking to Mark who panicked himself at the desperation he saw in his eyes.

“Okay _no,_ ” Mark intervened, knowing Sebastian needed to get out.

He rapidly stood and put his hands under Seb's arms to lift him up off the sofa and get him past where his mother was crouching by them to haul Seb from the room.  


  


A second later they were gone and the entire family sat there in shock.

Norbert looked to his wife whose eyes were fixed on the open door Mark and Sebastian had just rushed through.

“What the hell just happened?”

Heike shook her head at him, her mouth open in confusion.

“We should go after them,” she started, still sounding stunned.

Stefanie shook her head.

“No Mum don't. Let them be. Seb's upset isn't he? Let Mark look after him.”

“I didn't mean to upset him.”

Melanie sighed and rolled her eyes, thinking that was precisely what they had done. Heike pushed herself up to sit where Sebastian had been before and huffed at her daughter.

“Well what were we supposed to say?”

“You were supposed to say congratulations. You were supposed to say you're happy for them,” argued Mel.

“I am happy for them.”

“Funny way of showing it.”

“Mel,” growled her father.

“You're as bad. What the hell's wrong with you both?”

“Melanie,” sighed her sister, knowing this wasn't helping.

“No really. Honestly, no wonder they kept it quiet.”

 

Fabian sat back on the sofa feeling as though the room was spinning around him. Five minutes ago they were simply going to have a nice family lunch. Now it was world war three again. He didn't understand how their family was like this. Everything seemed to blow up like a storm out of nowhere. Never any warning or time to prepare yourself to batten down the hatches.

His father had come to sit with his mum on the sofa as she was in tears now too and Fabian had no idea what he was meant to do. He looked at his sisters who were conferring amongst themselves and caught the eye of Jan who looked equally bewildered, then Fabian stood up and walked out of the room.

 

He went into the hall, shutting the lounge door behind him, then headed for the kitchen, hoping that Mark and Seb might be there, but found the room empty. The back door was ajar though and going over to the window he saw the pair sat together on a couple of garden chairs outside, his brother leaning into Mark's arms, turned in so his head sat by Mark's shoulder. Fabian hesitated for a minute, not knowing what to do, then went outside.

At first neither noticed him there, but Fabian went over to get in Mark's eye-line. His brother was still breathing heavily, though he seemed to have ceased crying.

“Um, are you okay?”

Sebastian failed to raise his head, so Fabian looked to Mark instead who gave him a resigned look.

“I'm sorry,” Fabian tried.

“Could you get us some water?” requested Mark.

“Um, yeah sure.”

  
Fabian went back inside and returned with a glass of water. He stood uncomfortably in front of the pair, seeing how his brother had closed his eyes and was resting entirely into Mark, his breathing still not normal.

“Is he alright?”

Mark lifted his head from where it lay against Sebastian's, knowing that Seb was in no state to respond.

“He'll be okay. He just needs some air.”

Fabian offered out a glass of water and Mark took it.

“Thanks. Listen mate can you give us a few minutes?”

“Um, sure.”

Mark went to lower the glass down, so Fabian took it for him and put it on the ground by where the two sat wrapped up together on the garden chairs, then went back inside and closed the door.

 

Mark didn't watch him go. Instead he smoothed his hand over Seb's back, going up and down in a steady repetitive motion. He sighed and continued to move his hand, hoping that the slowness of the action would feed through his body to encourage Seb to slow himself.

“There now darling, just calm. It's okay.”

Sebastian could focus on nothing but the way his chest went in and out. He was trying to slow it, but the movement seemed to be self-repeating. As soon as he'd taken in one breath he needed another and another.

“Slow sweetheart, just slow.”

“I can't,” Seb snatched.

Sebastian tried, but it seemed to make it worse and feeling out of control only made him want to panic more. He scrunched his eyes tight and pressed a hand into his chest.

“It hurts.”

Mark puffed out a steadying breath, knowing that if he let himself get worked up and upset at seeing Seb this way then he wouldn't be able to help him as he needed to.

“It's alright. It'll pass. You know this. Just breathe darling, just breathe more slowly.”

He stroked his hand up and down some more, keeping his head angled to look at Seb.

“Can you open your eyes for me?”

Sebastian took a moment, but he managed it, looking up to Mark with an unfocussed expression.

Mark kept his own face calm.

“Alright darling, just sit up a moment and try having a drink.”

Sebastian didn't think he could do it. He closed his eyes again, but Mark's voice drifted though making the same request and Seb forced his head up to look back at him.

Mark offered out the glass and placed it into Seb's hand, keeping his own hand around Sebastian's to lift it to his mouth.

“Just take a sip, okay?”

Sebastian did as instructed, nearly coughing the water back out again, but succeeding in swallowing the liquid down.

“There now, just a bit more.”

Mark lifted the glass gently up and Sebastian put it to his lips to take another drink. It was a little easier this time and he didn't notice the way concentrating on swallowing the water meant he had less attention to focus on how fast his chest was going. He took one more sip, then sighed against Mark, his breathing slowed considerably. Mark dumped the glass down at his side and put both arms back around Sebastian.

“That's better.”

Seb was taking slower deeper breaths. Mark could feel his heart still thumping away, but at least this was an improvement.

“There we go, you're alright now,” he assured.

Sebastian dropped his head back to rest in the crook of Mark's neck, not caring how he had to lean across from where he sat, or that the air was cold outside. Mark's voice was warm and steady. His arms kept him safe. Seb wasn't thinking about anything but that for now. He let himself settle, and closed his eyes to shut out everything but the feeling of comfort Mark gave him. He put his arm around Mark's front as he clung on, his breathing steadier if still exaggerated.

 

Mark set his cheek into Sebastian's hair and closed his eyes. He hadn't anticipated this at all. He'd known Seb was worrying, but Mark had honestly thought that his parents would have been a little more understanding when they knew what he'd been through. Then again, he guessed they didn't really know all of it. This must have been one surprise too many.

He sighed slowly out and returned to rubbing his hand on Seb's back, occasionally whispering something reassuring, but not expecting Seb to talk. Mark wondered if there had been a better way to handle this. If they could have called a few days ago to soften the news perhaps. He wasn't sure it would have made a difference. Sebastian had been piling up nerves and guilt and his parents had pushed him over the edge. Mark knew that they hadn't meant to. Heike and Norbert had reacted as came naturally, responding in shock to their news after too many incidents of them dropping bombshells before.

He sighed again thinking what a mess it was. The worst of it was Mark knew that even if they had their time back, they wouldn't change what they'd done. Seb was right, the moment they'd told their families, their nice, calm, unstressful wedding would have become a drawn-out tangled nightmare, no matter how much they claimed the contrary.

  


Sebastian let out a long sigh against him and Mark tipped his head around to look, seeing his eyes open again.

“Hey,” Mark greeted softly.

Sebastian looked up at him through his lashes and Mark felt guilty for thinking how beautiful they were, even like this. He moved a hand to place it at the side of Seb's cheek and gave him a soft smile.

“How're you feeling?”

Seb shrugged against him and Mark gave him a nod. He reached down to find the glass of water and passed it back to him. Sebastian sat up a fraction and took the glass on his own this time to drink from it slowly, feeling how his chest still hurt as he did so. He handed Mark the glass back and pushed out a breath.

“Better?” checked Mark.

Seb gave a little nod.

“Yeah. Good.” Mark sighed heavily. “Ah sweetheart.”

“Why do they have to be that way?”

Mark gave Sebastian a little shake of his head.

“I think your parents react emotionally like you do darling. I don't think they can help themselves.”

Sebastian frowned as he thought about that. It was odd to think of his parents not being able to stop themselves like he couldn't.

“I suppose.”

“They love you darling. They just had a shock. It doesn't mean they're angry with you.”

Seb gave a sad nod.

“They don't know why I can't tell them everything.”

“I know sweetheart, I know.”

Sebastian sighed again.

“They'd never understand.”

Mark nodded. He wished it wasn't so, but he wondered whether perhaps the fact that Seb's parents must know somehow deep down that their son was still keeping things from them exacerbated their reaction.

“Don't tie yourself in knots mate. It's gonna be okay. They said they were happy for us didn't they?”

“Yeah I guess. I just wish I didn't feel I was lying to them.”

Mark looked at him carefully.

“Do you want to tell them everything?”

Sebastian closed his eyes and gave a fractional shake of his head before looking back at him.

“No. They wouldn't cope. I wouldn't cope. I think it would destroy any chance of us ever being normal as a family. They'd never be able to look at me the same.”

Mark stroked his thumb over Seb's cheek and nodded.

“Alright. Don't worry about that. They love you, okay? Everything's going to be alright. They'll have calmed down.”

Sebastian looked up at him.

“Do you want to go back in?” asked Mark.

“In a minute.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian leaned down against him again, putting the side of his face on Mark's chest. Mark set his chin to rest by the top of Seb's head as he simply held onto him.

  


 

A couple of minutes later Mark heard a noise and turned his head to look at the back door, expecting to see either Fabian or Heike appear, but instead he saw Stefanie in the doorway. Jan was with her but she shook her head at him and he stayed inside while she came over to them.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” greeted Mark quietly.

Sebastian raised his head to look at his sister now stood in front of them.

“Did they send you?”

“No. Do you mind if I sit down?” Stefanie checked.

 

Her brother gave a little shake of his head which she took as permission. Stef looked around and shifted one of the garden chairs over to sit in front of them. Mark opened his mouth to say he should do it, but Stef shook her head, it wasn't heavy and she was sick of people thinking she was completely incapable of raising a finger to do anything these days. She set the chair close in front of them, examining her brother who sat up to face her as she lowered into the chair, Mark's arm still around him.

“How're you doing?”

Seb squished his face awkwardly and shrugged up one shoulder.

Mark looked for the water and retrieved it to pass to Seb so he could have another drink to help him compose himself.

Sebastian lowered the glass and looked at his sister.

“Sorry. I didn't mean to freak out so much. You must think me such a weirdo.”

“You were upset,” interceded Mark.

Stefanie nodded.

“Mum and Dad were too. They didn't mean to upset you. They just over-reacted.”

Sebastian gave a little nod.

“Are they alright? I'm really sorry I didn't tell you all.”

His sister shook her head.

“Don't worry about it. They'll be fine. I'm more worried about you.”

“I'm okay.”

Stef looked at him, then Mark. She took in a breath and then reached out to put a hand on Seb's knee, keeping eye-contact with her brother.

“Seb, in my job I deal with lots of situations; stressed-out parents, children with very difficult lives; multiple conditions, anxiety, panic attacks.”

Stefanie looked at him pointedly and Sebastian's eyes widened in horror, but his sister gave his knee a squeeze.

“It's okay,” she reassured.

Sebastian felt his chest go tight and thought for a horrible moment that he was going to start over again, but his sister shook her head.

“It's fine, alright. Don't worry,” she assured calmly.

Mark's hand smoothed up and down his arm and Sebastian let himself be soothed by it. His sister continued to give him a steady look and kept her voice sympathetic.

 

“It's alright,” Stef assured once more. She glanced at Mark who gave her something approaching a smile and a nod of thanks.

“Have you told the others?” worried Seb.

Stefanie shook her head. She could hear how anxious her brother was and the last thing she wanted to do was make things worse.

“No. It's just I recognise it when I see it and I wanted to make sure you were doing okay.”

Mark gave Seb a squeeze and he sighed out in relief.

“It's alright,” Stef repeated, “I won't say anything if you'd rather I didn't. I think you've got far too much stress going on as it is.”

Sebastian gave her a little nod and Mark answered.

“Thank you.”

Stef looked at him, then back at her brother.

“You're really alright aren't you?”

“Yeah I'm okay now.”

She paused, then asked what had been on her mind.

“Have you had them before?”

Seb paused for a moment, then nodded and she nodded sadly back, then sighed.

“Oh Seb. Ah dear, far too much stress. No wonder.”

“I'm okay.”

Mark gave his side a rub and added, “he's alright, aren't you darling?”

Sebastian looked at his sister.

“I can't remember the last time. I just... it got on top of me in there.”

“Yeah. Look don't go getting stressed out about it again. They're alright. Do you want to come back in?”

Sebastian paused, then nodded, knowing he couldn't hide out here forever.

“You won't tell them will you?” he asked anxiously.

“I've said I won't haven't I? Don't worry, I'll go through and just say you got a bit over-upset. You join us when you're ready, alright?” offered his sister.

“Thank you.”

Stef shook her head.

“No problem. Just don't worry, okay. They're fine, everything's fine.”

“Thank you Stef,” added Mark gratefully.

She stood and Mark went to go forwards to help her but Stefanie smiled.

“Not completely unable to stand on my own just yet thanks. Anyway, see you in a mo.”

 

Stefanie gave her brother a little rub on the shoulder, then walked off to the back door where Mark could see Jan still waiting for her inside. He turned back to Seb and gave him an encouraging smile.

“Your sister's very kind.”

Sebastian managed a little smile back.

“Yeah she is. She always has been. Stef used to look after me a bit when I was little.”

Mark nodded. He could see that happening. When they hopefully met in the summer he was sure Stefanie and his own sister would get on.

 

  
They left it another few moments, then got up and went inside. Mark trying not to be too obvious about helping Seb to his feet. As they went into the kitchen Mark paused and looked to him.

“You alright to do this?”

Sebastian gave him a little nod. Mark smiled and stroked down his hair to his cheek.

“Just give them a chance darling. I'm sure they feel awful they upset you.”

“'kay.”

Mark gave him a kiss and set the glass of water he was carrying down on the kitchen table in order to give Seb a hug before they went through.

  


 

As they walked to the lounge Mark still had his arm around Sebastian but when they entered the room Seb's mother rushed over to hug Seb and Mark stepped out of the way. Heike pulled him in tight and Sebastian stood letting her. As she let him go his mother shook her head.

“You look pale.”

“I'm alright.”

“I'm so sorry chick. We didn't mean to upset you, did we?”

Heike looked to her husband by her side who shook his head then gave his son a hug as well, then Mark for good measure.

“We handled that very badly. We're sorry,” Norbert addressed them both. “I think it was just it coming out of the blue as it were. We didn't mean to let you think we don't approve.”

“Of course we approve.”

Heike put a hand on Mark's arm, thinking how both Fabian and Stefanie had said he was looking after Seb. She knew he always did. How could she have been surprised that they wanted to marry, especially after all they'd been through?

“We're very pleased for you,” she continued, stopping herself from adding that they only wished they'd been at the wedding.

“I'm sorry I got so worked up,” apologised Sebastian.

“No it's our fault. All that matters is if you're happy.”

Seb nodded and Mark's arm was back around him. His mother didn't need more of an answer than that.

 

“Right,” sighed his father, “can we try again?”

“Sure.”

“Good. Seb, Mark, congratulations, we're all very happy for you, aren't we?”

“Course we are,” confirmed his wife.

Norbert looked around to the rest of the family who came over to offer their own hugs and congratulations. As his sister Melanie hugged him she whispered in his ear.

“No wonder you wanted to do it on your own.”

Seb gave her a little smile and Melanie nodded at him, then gave a tip of her head towards Mark.

“If I found one as good as this I'd marry him in a heartbeat.”

Mark smiled.

“You'll find someone.”

“Yeah maybe. One day. I won't hang around waiting when I do. I think you've got the right idea.”

“Thanks Mel.”

 

His brother gave them both hugs as well, but Seb could tell he was still withdrawn. He needed to talk to him, but not here in front of everyone.

“Right then, I'll make us some more tea and we can all settle down,” Heike suggested.

“I'll help,” offered Fabian.

His mother looked startled to hear her youngest offer help so readily, but she merely nodded and they went through whilst the rest retook their seats, Seb trying to hide how thankful he was to get to sit down.

  


  


  
After that the conversation passed more peacefully as Seb's family asked them safer questions about their holiday and the work on the house. Sebastian remained pressed in close to Mark who had no intention of removing his arm from around him, knowing that Seb was still shaken up. It wasn't until after a slightly awkward lunch which was sustained by Sebastian's sisters and Jan keeping conversation going, that it really felt as though things had calmed down.

As Heike cleared away, consciously making no remark about how much food was left on Sebastian's plate, she looked to her husband promptingly.

“We were thinking maybe we'd get a bit of fresh air, go for a walk,” he proposed.

“Oh count me out,” replied Stef.

“Of course dear, you have a lie down if you want to,” offered her mother.

Mark looked to Seb and didn't want him politely agreeing when he wasn't up to it.

“Yeah you know what, we're pretty tired. All this travel and jet lag you know,” he excused.

“Still?” frowned Norbert.

Heike shook her head.

“If they're tired, they're tired. You stay here then.”

 

Sebastian felt as though he ought to at least offer to help clear and wash up, but his brother uncharacteristically offered instead so Mark suggested that they go and sort out their room. They gave their thanks for the meal and went through to the hall, expecting to find their shared overnight bag, only to realise that someone had taken it up.

“Come on, let's just lie down for a bit shall we?” suggested Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

  


They went up to their room and kicked off their shoes before lying down on the bed together. Sebastian let out the longest sigh as he rested his head on Mark's chest.

“I didn't think it would be like this.”

Mark put his arms around him.

“I know. Me either. It's alright now though.”

“I guess.”

“They're fine. They just needed a bit of time.”

Sebastian tipped his head up a little to look at Mark.

“Why are your family so easy and mine are so complicated?”

Mark gave him a soft smile.

“Dunno mate. Just the way we are. Your lot have been through the mill. It's no wonder they're still a bit churned up about things.”

“I guess.”

“Your sisters have been very good, Jan too.”

“Yeah.”

“And your parents apologised.”

“I know. I feel bad though.”

“Oh sweetheart don't.”

“I can't help it.”

“Yeah.” Mark puffed a breath. “I know darling.”

Sebastian rubbed his cheek into Mark's soft jumper, glad that he was wearing this one today when it felt so nice. He set his ear over Mark's heart to listen to it, the sound so comforting it oddly made him want to cry once more.

“Don't worry about anything darling. Everything's going to be okay. Your parents are fine now.”

“I still need to talk to Fabian.”

“And you will. He loves you. It'll be alright.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

“That's okay.”

 

Mark kept one arm firmly around him and with his other he put his hand on Seb's arm where it rested on his chest. He ran his hand gently along there and Sebastian gazed up at him.

“I'm still not sorry we got married.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I should hope not.”

“I'll never be sorry Liebling.”

“Me neither. It's alright, we'll just have a little rest and things will seem better.”

Seb nodded and set his head a comfortable angle so he could close his eyes and just relax for a bit like this.  


Mark waited while Sebastian fell asleep as he knew he would, then tipped his head back on the pillow to look up at the ceiling. He puffed out a breath wondering how a supposedly simple little family visit had ended up like this. It wasn't fair, but Mark was thankful that his own family were more straight-forward as Seb had said. He knew the reasons, but Mark hated seeing Seb get himself into a state. He'd suspected this wouldn't be quite as easy as they hoped, but Sebastian worried too much about what his family thought of him. He always had.

He looked back down at Seb and stroked his fingers tenderly through his hair as he slept, wondering if life would ever be uncomplicated for them.

Sebastian slept. Mark didn't. He merely held onto him as he always did, knowing somehow that this was always how they would be; One way or another he'd always be holding onto Seb and Seb would always hold onto him. There was comfort in that at least.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bubble officially burst. I miss Christmas...
> 
>  
> 
> Oh and as usually I couldn't keep this short so there's the second part to this. Let me know you've read this and I'll add it as it goes together.


	121. Honeymoon's Over - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, on to the last part of the weekend. One I suspect Seb and Mark will be glad when it's over.

 

* * *

  
  


 

Downstairs the front door opened and closed and there was a rumble of noise as people came in. Sebastian took in a deep breath and woke up, lifting his head from Mark's chest and sitting up. Mark sat with him and tipped his head around to look at Seb.

“How're you doing sweetheart?”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian looked at him a little blearily, still waking himself up. Then he remembered as he always did when something had happened and a little weight settled back inside. Mark saw it and leaned in closer.

“It's all fine, okay?”

Seb nodded and turned to put his arms around Mark, relaxing as Mark pulled him in.

“I'm so glad you're here. Everything's okay as long as you're with me,” declared Sebastian.

“That's okay, course I'm here.”

Mark hardly knew how they were meant to part when the season began.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian went to splash some water on his face and they went downstairs. They were about to go into the lounge when Heike spied them from the kitchen where she had gone to make drinks and she beckoned them that way. As soon as they went in she pulled her son into a long hug. When she finally let go his mother examined his face to see that he looked a little better.

“Did you have a rest?”

Seb nodded and Heike nodded back.

“Yes. Good then. Thank you Mark.”

Mark wasn't quite sure what he was being thanked for, but he nodded anyway. Norbert appeared by his side and put a hand on Mark's arm.

“You couldn't help me with this tea could you?”

“Oh of course.”

Mark let himself be led over to the other side of the kitchen, guessing Heike wanted a moment with Seb. Norbert arranged a selection of mugs on a tray and turned to Mark as they waited for the kettle to boil.

“How's he doing?” asked Norbert quietly.

“He's fine.”

“Yes?”

Mark gave a diffident little shrug of one shoulder and Norbert nodded.

“We really are sorry we handled this morning so badly,” Seb's father apologised.

Mark sighed, knowing he had to try to help make things right.

“We're sorry we didn't tell you sooner. It wasn't meant... I don't know, we were trying to keep things simple. We didn't realise we'd be making things more complicated.”

“No, well, never mind now. I can understand why you'd want to have a simpler life for once.”

Mark huffed an ironic little laugh.

“Mm.”

“Yes well, as long as everything's alright.”

“It is as long as it is with you.”

“Of course it is.”

Mark glanced back to Sebastian, then said what he felt he had to.

“You know he's terrified of disappointing you.”

Norbert let out a sigh and shook his head.

“That's not what we meant at all. It was just surprise at it happening so fast.”

“It's not like we've not been serious to now.”

“No I know. We do appreciate how much you mean to one another. We understand that you're serious about this.”

“We are. We love each other. We wouldn't have done it otherwise.”

 

Norbert saw the way Mark looked over to Seb as he said that. He had no reason to doubt it and after what had happened a few months back, he couldn't blame them for seizing the moment. He nodded and patted Mark's arm.

“We do know that. I suppose you were in a lose-lose situation with the families.”

“Mm, yeah well. Look I know it's not my place to say, but you will tell him won't you?” requested Mark.

“Tell him what?”

“That you're not disappointed in him.”

“Oh. Right, of course.” Norbert gave Mark a half-smile. “I suppose it is your place.”

“Hm?”

“Well if you're married you really are family now.”

Mark smiled.

“Guess I am. Hope that's alright with you.”

“Of course it is. We're very glad that Seb has you, that you have each other.”

 

Norbert made the tea and filled the mugs on the tray.

“I don't suppose you'd mind taking these through to the lounge?” he asked Mark.

“Oh, umm sure.”

Mark took the tray and looked to Sebastian as he passed him. Heike saw the way Seb was about to automatically go along with Mark and put a hand on her son's arm.

“Just wait a moment won't you?” she requested.

Mark gave him a little nod and Sebastian guessed Mark knew they wanted to speak with him alone so he let him go on. As soon as Mark left the room Seb's father came over to join them.

 

“Seb we had a little talk while we were out.”

“Oh?”

Sebastian looked at his parents who were stood together now.

“Yes. And we want you to know that we don't blame you for not telling us sooner.”

“I've said that,” noted his mother.

“Yes well, it bears repeating,” insisted Norbert. “If you struggle to tell us things then that's our fault, not yours.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Oh Dad it's not like that. It's just we knew it would all get too complicated and we didn't want that.”

“Alright, well anyway, we wanted you to know that you can talk to us. We're sorry if we over-react. We don't mean to.”

Sebastian huffed a dry little laugh.

“Neither do I. Mark says it must be a family trait.”

“No doubt he's right.”

“We feel terrible that you got so upset,” added Heike.

Sebastian shrugged and his mother rubbed his arm.

“We were just thrown by it. Everything came out wrong,” she apologised.

“I'm sorry if we hurt you by leaving you out,” Sebastian apologised in turn.

“No no, none of that,” stopped his father. “We want you to be happy and Mark makes you happy. Any fool can see that.”

“We just wanted to be married. When he asked me I just wanted to do it right away.”

“He asked you?”

“Yeah, well I mean he brought it up. It was our anniversary you see. I hadn't thought about it, but once he said... there was just no going back. I knew we had to do it as soon as possible. I'd have done it the next day if we could.”

His mother gave him a smile.

“I suppose if you know, you know.”

Seb nodded.

“I knew the moment we were together, that was it. We both knew.”

“Well then.”

Heike looked to Norbert and he gave her an encouraging nod, reminding her what they had discussed when they had been out walking earlier while Fabian and Melanie were off in front.

 

“What we wanted to say was that we are pleased for you. We're glad that Mark makes you happy and of course it makes sense that you should want to be married.”

“It does?”

“Of course it does. It wasn't that that threw us, just, well that you had gone ahead without talking to us first.”

“Not that we are upset with you,” interrupted his father.

“No we're not upset, we were just, well, like I say, we over-reacted, but that's not important. What's important is that you should be happy. We know you and Mark have been through a lot, far too much. The last thing we want to do is add to that.”

“And you haven't disappointed us,” insisted Norbert. “You could never disappoint us.”

“Yes I feel awful I used that word. I didn't mean it,” added Heike. “We love you and we know Mark loves you too.”

“And I love him.”

“Of course you do. We've no doubt you'll be very happy.”

Seb nodded.

“We are already. I mean that's the thing. Nothing's really changed. We just needed to be official. We didn't realise what it would mean to other people.”

“It's what it means to you that matters,” Norbert noted.

“It means everything.”

His parents couldn't miss how solidly their son said that.

“Clearly,” agreed his father. “Alright, well let's have no more fuss over it. You're married and you're happy. That makes us happy, doesn't it dear?”

“It does,” confirmed Heike.

Sebastian took in a deep breath and nodded.

“Thank you. So the thing we're planning in the summer at ours, like a party of sorts, with all the families and people. You will come won't you?”

“Of course we'll come.”

“Of course we will,” echoed his father. “Now then, no more getting upset and worrying about things, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And no more apologising,” added his mother. “It's done with.”

Heike wanted to say that she only hoped Seb would be more open and tell them more things in future, but she knew making that point would only upset him again and have the converse effect of emphasising how difficult it had been to talk to them today. The only thing to do was to accept it and make them feel welcome here in the hope that they might feel more able to be open about things in future. Seb worked himself into such dreadful states. Seeing her son get like that was far more upsetting than learning about their marriage after the fact.

Mark was the one who helped him through things. No wonder they were such a perfect pairing. Heike suspected Mark was the only one to whom Sebastian really opened up. All they could do was try to support them and hope that as time went by it got a little easier. They'd gone wrong somewhere along the line with Seb, they both knew that. The natural link with their own child had been broken as other influences took over, but no amount of arguing over whose fault that was helped. All they could do was try harder to rebuild things with him.

 

His parents gave him firm hugs, his mother rubbing Sebastian's arm as she did.

“No more getting yourself upset sweetheart. It's not good for you.”

“Mark looks after me.”

Heike looked at him and merely nodded, making no further comment. Her little boy wasn't hers any more, but she knew that had been true for some time now. As long she could trust Mark to take care of him, Heike could live with that.

“Come on, let's go through, that tea will be going cold,” prompted his father.

Sebastian nodded, and headed through. Two minutes apart and he was already missing Mark and wanting to be back with him. He needed him today. Tomorrow would be better. It had to be.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning Sebastian was getting dressed while Mark took his turn in the busy bathroom. There was a knock on the door and Seb finished pulling his hoody over his head to answer.

“Yes?”

“It's me. Can I come in?”

Sebastian smiled to hear his brother's voice.

“Course.”

The door opened tentatively, then seeing that all was clear and his brother was finally on his own for once, Fabian came in. Seb sat down on the bed and indicated to him to come and sit down.

“Are you alright this morning?” checked Fabian.

Sebastian felt bad at how worried he sounded. He placed a hand on Fabian's arm and looked at his brother carefully.

“I'm fine, alright.”

“I'm sorry about what happened yesterday. It was horrible,” sympathised Fabian.

“Yeah sorry,” Seb sighed and shrugged. “I don't think I handled it very well.”

“We _are_ happy for you. All of us.”

“Thank you. I'm so sorry we didn't tell you earlier. I really am Fabe. It wasn't a matter of leaving you out, it honestly wasn't.”

“Okay.”

His brother still didn't sound one hundred percent convinced and Sebastian hated the thought that he might have damaged things between them.

“I really am sorry. We just,” he sighed heavily, “we thought we were keeping it simple. All we were doing was making it official. Me and Mark I mean.”

Seb turned completely to his brother, making sure he was looking him in the eye.

“I didn't realise how it would seem to everyone else. I really feel awful about it Fabe. You've every right to be angry with me.”

“I'm not angry.”

 

Seb didn't need to hear the unspoken words that would have followed. His brother wasn't angry, he was hurt. He'd hurt him. It felt worse than anything. Seb closed his eyes for a moment, trying not to let the feeling overwhelm him so he could compose himself before speaking again.

 

“I'm really so sorry. If I could go back and change things, but... I just, I guess we were being selfish. We just needed to be officially married,” emphasised Sebastian. “Nothing's changed. That's why I guess we didn't realise what a big deal it would be for other people.”

“I didn't think you were being selfish. I just...” Fabian looked at his brother to be sure it wasn't too much of a risk upsetting him. “I wish you'd said something.”

Sebastian nodded sadly.

“It was difficult. We wanted to be married without any stress.”

Fabian nodded again, then pressed a little further at what had been bothering him.

“And that's why you didn't tell us? I get why you'd think Mum would make a fuss.”

Seb gave a tip of his head, knowing that his little brother often felt nagged at home.

“Ah well I know it's not fair on her, or Dad, but yeah kinda. Mostly it was just that we knew if we told everyone then we'd have to organise having everybody come over and make it into a much bigger thing.”

“You didn't want that?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'm sorry that you get so stressed,” sympathised Fabian.

“Ah Fabe, that makes it sound that it's you guys that stress me out.”

“Isn't it a bit?” asked Fabian thinking that yesterday had been a case in point.

Sebastian sighed and shrugged helplessly.

“I know it's unintentional, but it just gets a bit much sometimes. It's not anyone's fault, specially not Mum and Dad. I know I throw a lot at them. They're very good really, much better than I'm sure most would be, but... I don't know. Things can get on top of me.”

 

Fabian nodded, thinking about how clearly he had seen that happen and how complicated his brother's life was.

“I wish your life wasn't so stressful.”

“Ah Fabe,” sighed Seb. “I didn't mean to imply you all make it more so. It wasn't that you guys make things more difficult, it was just we just wanted to make getting married as simple as possible and there's no way that would have happened if everyone else had got involved.”

Fabian nodded and his brother leaned in closer.

“It's not _you_ okay? You don't make me more stressed. If I could have just asked you... but you know I couldn't,” Seb explained.

“I suppose. You know if you'd told me I wouldn't have said anything if you asked me not to?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I couldn't do that to you. It wouldn't be fair. I hate keeping things from Mum and Dad. It's awful. It feels like lying. It feels like I lied to all of you.”

Fabian shook his head.

“It's not like that,” he offered. “I just wish you hadn't left me out.”

Sebastian's heart sank again.

“I didn't mean it to be like that. I'm sorry Fabe, really. It was just meant to be us making things official.”

“But you could have told me.”

Seb sighed heavily.

“But then I'd have been putting you in the position of keeping things from everyone else,” explained Sebastian.

He pushed out a careful breath as he looked him in the eye.

“It does something to you. Inside.”

 

Fabian thought his brother was going to tear up again and didn't know what to say.

“You can trust me you know,” he offered tentatively.

“Ah Fabe I know. It's not that. I just didn't want to put you in that position.”

“But about stuff.”

Sebastian nodded and took a steadying breath.

“I do talk to you,” he tried. “It's just, hard... and I struggle sometimes. I'm sorry.”

 

Fabian nodded slowly. He still found it strange to think of his brother struggling so badly, but he'd seen it enough times to know it was true.

“You talk to Mark.”

He didn't say it accusingly, but Seb knew it must be hard to accept.

“Yeah. Thing is, for the longest time I didn't talk to anyone, not properly, but then things changed with Mark and yeah...”

“You tell him everything?”

Seb nodded.

“It's not like I mean to leave you out, but... Mark and me, it's like there's this bond between us. He's my other half, he really is. He's everything.”

“And you love him.”

“With all of my heart,” stated Seb sincerely.

He looked at his brother. “I mean I love you too of course, but it's different.”

Fabian nodded. He knew Seb and Mark were close, so close that this was the first time he'd managed to get a moment alone with his older brother. His family liked to joke that Seb and Mark were almost physically attached, but they let go of one another so rarely it almost wasn't a joke. There was more to it than that though. It was there in the way they looked at one another, the way they spoke without speaking.

Fabian finally give him a little smile.

“I'd hope so.”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Yeah. I'm not saying you're less important, it's just... I don't know, it's hard to describe.”

“I know both of you had a really difficult time last year,” Fabian offered.

“Yeah. I couldn't have got through it without him. I mean you guys too. It was really important that I had your support but...” Seb paused and looked to his brother, wondering how he could explain it so he would understand. “Fabe when I had the accident, in lots of ways it was far harder on Mark. He had to be so strong through all of that, for me you see. I just... I completely relied on him.”

Fabian nodded, trying to be understanding.

“And I know that it was tough for you too. I do know that,” Seb added.

“Yeah.”

“And maybe that makes it worse, leaving you out.”

Fabian shrugged one shoulder and Sebastian puffed a breath.

“We were always going to tell you.”

“Yeah I know.”

“And it wasn't that we wanted to exclude you. Any of you really, but you... I mean you understand don't you Fabe? We couldn't just have you there and not everyone.”

“Yeah I guess. So that's why you had Jenson and Jess?”

“Yeah it was just easy that way. We had to have two witnesses and... I suppose we could have had the official ones, but having strangers do that... I don't know, it just would have felt a bit sad.”

 

Fabian suddenly leaned in and hugged him, hating the idea of his brother being sad. He'd been so upset again yesterday and Fabian knew his parents felt guilty about it when it was so obvious that Seb and Mark had come here thinking that they were sharing good news.

“I'm sorry yesterday was such a mess,” apologised Fabian as he let go of his brother.

“It's not your fault. It's our fault,” asserted Sebastian. “But to be honest I really don't know that there was a good way to deal with this. I know Mum and Dad say we could have explained that we just wanted to get married quickly without making a big deal of the wedding, but you know that wouldn't have happened.”

“Yeah I suppose.” Fabian paused, then asked what had been troubling him. “Seb?”

“Yeah?”

“I understand why you wanted to be married. You and Mark that is. I get it, we all do, but if nothing's really changed, why did you have to do it so fast? I mean that's what's caused all the trouble isn't it?”

Sebastian put his hands over his face and rubbed it, knowing that was true.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Fabian, worrying that he was upsetting his brother again.

Seb dropped his hands away and shook his head.

“No you're right. It's just if we'd got everybody involved, all our families, our friends, having to get everyone over, finding a date, a larger place, making it into a big wedding, it would have been inevitable that it got complicated. It would have been the summer before we could arrange it all.”

“No but that's what I mean,” interrupted Fabian. “You're having the party in the break. Would waiting until the summer have been so bad? You'd have had time then.”

Seb shook his head.

“We wanted to get married as soon as we could.”

“Before the season started?”

“Yeah.”

“But...”

Fabian frowned at him, the confusion evident on his face.

 

Sebastian sighed, not wanting to give his brother more things to worry about, but if he was going to explain, he had to tell him.

“It's important that we're official.”

“You and Mark?”

“Yeah. I mean now that I think about it, I wish we'd done it far sooner. We should have got married last summer. I wish we had, but we just hadn't thought about it. We were happy as we were.”

“So why then? I mean I'm not saying you shouldn't be married.”

“I know you're not. It's okay. I honestly didn't think about it until Mark brought it up, I guess I didn't think I could really consider such a thing, but as soon as he did I knew we had to. I knew it was important and as soon as I knew that, I knew we had to do it as soon as we could.”

“But why is it so important?”

Seb looked at his brother, wondering if he would ever really understand.

“You know that plenty of people don't approve of Mark and me being together.”

“They're idiots.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh at how defensive Fabian was.

“Well thanks and yeah you're right, but to them, to far too many people really, us being together is wrong. They think it doesn't count as a real relationship like a straight relationship does, that it isn't the same.”

“Of course it's the same,” argued Fabian.

“Well it is to us, but some people would just dismiss it. I mean even we didn't know what to call it. I used to say Mark was my boyfriend, but that didn't tell anyone what we really meant to one another. It sounds like some little thing, just a boyfriend, but we were always more than that.”

“Well I knew that.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I know you did. I mean others, outsiders. To them, 'boyfriend' doesn't mean anything special and 'partner'... I don't know, it just didn't work. It didn't tell people that we're really everything to one another. Mark's my whole life, we'll always be together.”

“And now you're married people will understand that?”

“Yeah. I mean it's not like we only did it for other people, we wanted to do it for us. It just feels right.”

“And it makes you happy?”

“Yeah Fabe it really does. It feels really good to be official, to be married. It makes me feel more solid, inside you know?”

“Does it?”

“Yeah. And...” Sebastian looked at his brother before confessing, “I don't always feel so solid you know?”

Fabian nodded, not wanting to think about how his brother hadn't seemed very solid the day before.

“When I'm with Mark everything's so much better,” continued Seb. “He makes me feel stronger. Like no matter how hard things get, I can survive as long as he's with me.”

“I know things have been hard for you,” offered Fabian.

Sebastian nodded.

“For Mark too, for all of us, I know that, but, it's just... to have Mark, to know he's always going to be there, it makes such a difference to my life.”

 

Fabian looked at him, wondering at that.

“Were you very unhappy before? Before Mark I mean.”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a second, then nodded sadly.

“I'm sorry,” tried Fabian.

“It's not your fault. I was a mess. It was Mark that saved me.”

 

Fabian nodded, he knew who Mark had saved his brother from. There was a part of him that wanted to ask more about that, but he knew Seb would get upset about it if he did.

“I know you find it hard to talk about,” Fabian volunteered.

Seb regarded his brother, wondering how it could be that he was the one who sounded more mature. He gave a small nod.

“Is it bad, what you can't talk about?” tried Fabian cautiously.

Seb made the smallest of affirmative nods and Fabian nodded back at him, trying to read what was hidden in his brother's eyes.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Sebastian once more, knowing that he was keeping things from his brother again, but even to acknowledge that more was there felt like a lot.

 

Fabian looked at him wondering if Seb would ever tell him what was so bad he couldn't talk about. He wanted to ask him to promise that one day he would, but it seemed cruel to make such a demand when it was clearly so distressing. Fabian considered whether he could ask him at least about what had happened more recently.

“Back before Christmas, when... when he came to your house while Mark was away,” began Fabian, pausing as he saw the way his older brother instantly tensed up. “Sorry.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and let it out, not wanting his brother to think him a total basket case by getting upset at everything he tried to speak to him about.

“No it's okay.”

“You called the police.”

“Yeah.”

Fabian hesitated before risking a question.

“Seb were you scared?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I was really scared,” he confessed.

“But nothing bad happened did it?” checked Fabian carefully.

“No. The police came and took him away.”

“Were you scared because Mark wasn't there?”

“Yeah. I know that sounds... I don't know, pretty lame of me.”

“No it doesn't. He's a bad person isn't he?”

“Yeah he is.”

“And that's why the police arrested him?”

“Well they didn't exactly arrest him,” Seb clarified. “They just took him away and told him he couldn't come back.”

“Right. He won't will he?”

“No I don't think so. He was pretty freaked out by the police coming. He never thought I'd dare call them you see.”

“So he knows he can't go back?” pressed Fabian.

“Yeah. I really don't think he'd try it.”

“Well that's good then.”

“Yeah. It was good in a way to show him that, to stand up to him a bit. I'd never have thought I'd have the nerve to do that. I mean it was scary without Mark there with me, but sort of good to know I could do it. And I did have the dogs, so that was good.”

“You must have been brave,” suggested Fabian.

Seb shrugged.

“I don't know about that. I'd far rather have had Mark there to be honest.”

“Right.”

“Not that it was his fault. Mark got home as soon as he could. He hates that he wasn't there.”

“Still?”

“Yeah. He'd do anything for me you see. I guess not being able to do that hurts for him.”

“I'm glad you've got him.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh.

“Me too. Life without Mark doesn't bear thinking about. Even the idea...”

Sebastian shook it off.

 

“So that's why being married is important to you?” tried Fabian.

“Yeah. I guess it makes me feel more secure.” He glanced at his brother. “That probably sounds pathetic.”

“No it doesn't. It's good.”

“Thank you.”

“So you wanted that as soon as possible?” wondered Fabian.

“Yeah I guess, and...”

“What?”

“When we're racing, it's important too, that we're officially family.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well we've been down as each other's next of kin for, I guess nearly a year now, and that's something, but that's not enough for some people. We have to know that they can't just dismiss our relationship and say what we have doesn't count.”

“Why would anyone say that?”

“Because they can.”

Fabian frowned and Sebastian knew that he had to tell him.

“Back in Italy, when I had my accident. For Mark it was really awful,” started Seb.

His brother furrowed his brow even more. It had been awful for all of them, but he knew Seb was getting at something else.

“At the hospital,” carried on Sebastian, his voice heavy, “when he got there, they wouldn't let him in.”

“What?”

Sebastian saw how shocked his brother looked.

“Yeah. It's so awful I hate to think of it, but they refused to let Mark see me, they wouldn't even tell him...” Seb took in a breath, trying not to get upset, “they wouldn't tell him anything, if I was okay, or even if I was alive or dead.”

Fabian stared at him in horror.

“You're kidding? My god that's terrible.”

“It really was. He was already a mess obviously and they just stood there and told him that what we had didn't count, that being my boyfriend wasn't important. They said they could only let family in and he wasn't family.”

Seb took in a shaky breath and his brother put his hand on his arm.

“That's so horrible.”

Sebastian nodded sadly.

“I don't know how he got through it. I think I would have fallen apart.”

“He must have been so worried,” empathised Fabian.

“I don't think worried covers it, but yeah.”

“So what happened?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know exactly. I've never wanted to ask too much, I know it still upsets him, but Britta was with Mark and I think she made some calls, got Christian involved and somehow enough people kicked off at the hospital that someone important had to listen and they changed their mind and let him in.”

“My god.”

“Yeah. So you see, it's important no one can ever try to say we're not really family.”

 

Fabian nodded. Thinking of Mark at the hospital desperately trying to get to be with his brother and being denied was so awful, especially when Fabian knew how much they relied on each other. The idea of his brother being left alone, lying hurt in a hospital bed without Mark there to be with him, just because someone else got to say they weren't family, was genuinely shocking.

Sebastian took in a deep breath. “If it was ever the other way around I have to know I could be with him,” he explained.

“Yeah course.”

Seb nodded but Fabian could see a lingering worry there.

“Nothing's going to happen to Mark,” Fabian assured.

Sebastian nodded.

“It won't,” insisted Fabian. “Mark's a really good driver.”

Seb looked at him, on the point of reminding him that his own accident hadn't been his fault, when it was the car failing that had caused the crash, but to do so would only give his brother more of the same anxiety he carried.

“I know. I do know that, but... I can't help it. Every time he gets in the car I'm terrified,” Seb confessed.

“That something will happen?”

Sebastian nodded.

“It's not entirely rational. I know that, but I can't help it. If anything happened to Mark. if I lost him...”

Seb's voice caught and his brother squeezed his arm.

“It _won't._ ”

Sebastian nodded, his face tight.

“I couldn't live without him. I just couldn't.”

 

They looked at one another, Seb thinking how he hadn't intended to let out so much, but when he got going it was hard to stop.

“Sorry. I don't mean to sound so... I don't know,” he apologised.

“Nothing's going to happen,” reassured Fabian.

“Yeah. I just, I get a bit irrational about it. I'm a nightmare watching Mark race.” Sebastian cracked an ironic smile. “Loving someone that much isn't always easy. I know it's tough for Mark too, watching me race I mean. He worries like crazy, especially since, well you know.”

Fabian nodded.

“I worry too you know?” he admitted.

“I know. I'm sorry, I wish you didn't have to.”

“It's not that I think you're going to crash,” Fabian assured.

“Well thanks. Me neither. Not when I'm in the car. It's watching someone that's harder.”

“Mm I guess, I mean I don't know if it helps, but surely the odds are against it,” Fabian offered, hoping to cheer him up. “I mean I know it sounds bad, but twice must surely be unlikely.”

Sebastian let out a little laugh.

“You'd certainly hope so. I don't want you worrying, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Anyway all this... I don't mean to put it on you.”

“You're not. I'd rather you talked to me. I understand then.”

“Yeah. Thanks. I do want you to understand.”

 

Fabian nodded, then frowned.

“Do Mum and Dad know, about Mark at the hospital, what happened?”

“Yeah.”

“They never told me.”

“No, well I guess we had other priorities at the time.”

“I suppose.”

“And they wouldn't have wanted to worry you.”

“I'm not a kid.”

“No,” accepted Sebastian, thinking his brother really wasn't any more.

“They ought to understand then,” noted Fabian.

“Hm?”

“About Mark, and you, why it's important you're married. Why you wanted to do it before you had to go racing again.”

“Oh. Well I think they do. It's just they were a bit put out about the way we did it.”

 

Fabian nodded. He had been too, but now that seemed so unimportant.

“I am sorry about that,” continued Seb.

Fabian shook his head.

“It'll be okay.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah. They said when we were out walking, that they didn't want you to feel bad about it, that they regretted freaking out so much.”

Seb gave him an ironic smile.

“I think I'm the one who freaked out.”

Fabian shrugged.

“Stef says that's stress, that it can get too much and people get over-upset.”

Sebastian nodded, wondering when his sister had spoken with his brother. He did at least know he could trust her not to say too much when she had promised not to.

“Yeah I guess that's it,” Seb agreed.

“And Mark helps you to deal with that,” added Fabian, recalling what his older sister had explained to him.

“He does. Mark's amazing,” smiled Sebastian.

“That's good then.”

Seb nodded.

“You're good too. I am thankful that you're so understanding.”

Fabian shrugged.

“I just want you to be alright.”

“Yeah. Thank you. I do appreciate it though.” Seb looked at him again. “I'm still sorry I didn't talk to you earlier about all this. It really wasn't a matter of trusting you, I promise.”

“Yeah okay.”

“In all the stuff that's changed in the past two years, you're one of the most important things.”

“What do you mean?” frowned Fabian.

“I didn't see you guys much at all before, I guess I didn't know how to face you when I felt so messed up. Maybe I'm still working on talking to you better, all of you, but you especially.”

“Me especially?”

Seb shrugged and gave him a little smile.

“You're my brother. That's really important. Back then you were just a kid, but it's different now. Our relationship means a lot to me and I'd really hate to think I'd screwed that up.”

“You haven't,” insisted Fabian.

“You're sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Seb gave his brother a little smile. “You know it makes me stronger to know I have you backing me up.”

“Does it?”

“Yeah.” Seb huffed the tiniest of laughs. “And sometimes I need all the help I can get.”

“I want to help,” insisted Fabian.

“I know, and I want you to know that you do. If this... if leaving you out over us getting married damaged that I'd never forgive myself.”

“No it's okay. I just want you to keep talking to me.”

“I will. I'm getting better at doing all this alright?” Seb promised.

“Yeah, just... if you tell me something, know I won't tell anybody else, okay?”

“Okay.”

They looked at one another levelly, then gave each other a little nod to seal the agreement. Sebastian leaned in and gave his brother a proper hug. He wondered if he could ever tell him what had really gone on in his past. If revealing the dark truth or keeping secrets from his brother would hurt him more. Maybe one day? Maybe... maybe when his brother was a little older, maybe he could handle it then? Seb wasn't sure if he wasn't the one who couldn't handle it.

 

“I am okay you know,” Seb reassured him.

Fabian nodded. “Yeah alright.”

“And I'll try to be better at talking to you and telling you stuff.”

“You do tell me stuff.”

“It's just not always easy.”

“I know.”

Sebastian puffed a breath and gave his brother a smile.

“I'm sort of hoping it'll get easier in future.”

“I'm sure it will.”

“Yeah.”

Seb leaned his shoulder into his Fabian's.

“It can't be easy being my brother.”

Fabian pushed Seb's shoulder back with his own and gave him a smile.

“It's alright.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You're pretty amazing you know Fabe. I'm lucky to have you as my brother.”

Fabian didn't know how to reply to that, so he gave Seb another hug and was heartened by how firmly his brother hugged him back and held on to him, trying to tell him more than he could in words.

 

As they let go of one another, Seb gave his brother a smile.

“You'll come over in the summer?”

“Course.” Fabian shot him a grin. “I want to use your pool.”

“Ha, well if that's all it takes to make you happy, you're welcome.”

 

Fabian was about to make a joke in reply when the door slowly opened and Mark stuck his head through, clearly looking to Seb to be sure he should come in. Sebastian nodded over and Mark walked in. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and Sebastian realised he must have taken clothes to change into with him. As Mark dumped his folded pyjamas down on the side, Fabian stood up and went to give him a hug.

Mark hugged him back, one eye on Seb who simply gave him another nod to explain it was all okay.

“We're just been having a chat,” explained Sebastian as his brother released Mark.

“Right,” nodded Mark, not wanting to press for details. Seb seemed okay so he assumed that it must have gone well.

“Your mum's getting brunch ready,” Mark reminded them.

“Ah okay,” nodded Sebastian, guessing that Mark had heard them talking in here and gone downstairs instead. His mother had decided that giving everyone a lie-in today was a good idea and seeing as their flight was mid-afternoon it made more sense than rushing lunch.

“Fabe was just mentioning our new pool,” added Sebastian as he stood to be with them.

“Oh right. Yeah we're looking good. You'll have to come try it out.”

“Is it finished?”

“Almost. They were working on the last few details this week, knocking through and putting in the link door to the main house. With any luck we should be done in a few days,” Mark explained.

“Wow. That's really fast.”

Seb gave his brother a smile.

“We paid extra to get it done quickly, got a bigger building team, paid over-time and all that.”

“No patience us racing drivers,” agreed Mark.

Fabian smiled, knowing that wasn't it.

“Sounds great.”

“Yeah it'll be nice.”

“Maybe I could come before the summer and give it a try?”

Mark looked to Sebastian who nodded.

“I'm sure we can work something out,” Mark agreed.

“I'd like that,” smiled Fabian.

 

Sebastian smiled, knowing that his brother liked to feel special. He was sure they could find a weekend he could pop over, maybe at Easter. A thought occurred to him.

“Oh hey, there's something else we've not told you,” Seb announced to his brother.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, so do you want to know before we tell the others?”

Mark smiled at Sebastian, already guessing what he was referring to.

Fabian nodded, presuming from the tone of his brother's voice that it had to be something good.

“Yeah so, I hope you're going to like this, but Mark and I, now we're married we're having a married name.”

Fabian widened his eyes.

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“So what will you be?”

“Vettel-Webber,” smiled Seb.

Fabian laughed and put his hand over his mouth.

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah that was my sister's reaction too,” noted Mark.

“So when you're racing...”

“Yep. Vettel-Webber on the timing screen.”

“Oh my god. That's gonna be so strange.”

“Good though,” countered Sebastian.

“Yeah good, course good,” Fabian accepted, “just really weird to begin with.”

“Mm, for us too a bit,” agreed Mark. “But we like the idea.”

“Course.”

“I hope Mum and Dad are going to be alright about it,” noted Seb.

“Ah they will. It's nice.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian let out a dry laugh.

“I hope so. Not sure I want any more drama.”

Mark put his arm around him.

“It'll be fine. It's just a little detail.”

“Course it is,” agreed Fabian. “I can tell them if you like?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“No, we definitely have to tell them. No more of that.”

“Yeah alright.” Something else occurred to Fabian. “Oh hey what are you going to do about telling everybody, you know, the public?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Dunno. Maybe we'll just turn up in Melbourne with Vettel-Webber on my race-suit and see how long it takes them to work it out.”

Mark and Fabian laughed and Seb shrugged again.

“Worse ways I guess,” smiled Mark.

He leaned in and gave Sebastian a kiss on the cheek.

“No worrying about that. Come on, I'm starving and I can smell food downstairs.”

“Me too,” agreed Fabian.

Mark found his hoody to put on and they headed on down.

  
  


 

  
  


The family sat around the table eating what was intended to be a relaxed brunch. The time had passed more easily than the day before, although everyone had consciously been making an effort to try to be normal which in itself wasn't entirely normal. Seb and Mark waited until they had finished eating and everyone was sat around drinking more tea and coffee to make their smaller announcement about their name.

Sebastian took another sip of his coffee and his mother looked over.

“Do you want some more dear?”

“Oh no, I'm fine.”

“Mark?”

Mark held up a hand.

“No I'm good, thank you. All very nice thanks Heike, but I couldn't eat another bite.”

 

It was noticeable how polite they were all being this morning. It felt strange, but the only thing to do was to go with it and hope that they could return to a more natural situation in time. Sebastian waited while his mother tried to persuade the others to have more food or drink and suspected that her next step would be to start clearing away. Now felt like a good time, so he looked to Mark who gave him a smile and a nod that no one would notice but him.

“Umm, so we did want to mention something else,” Sebastian started.

“Oh?”

His mother looked to his father and Seb knew that they were bracing themselves this time.

“It's really just a little thing,” he continued, trying to lower their reaction. “But, um, well Mark and I, now we're married we have a married name, or at least we're in the process of changing it.”

“A married name,” echoed his mother with measured steadiness.

“Yes. It just seems right, you know.”

His father nodded.

“So what will that be then?”

“Vettel-Webber.”

 

Sebastian looked out at them, awaiting their response. Mark's foot rubbed into his under the table as they sat together and he was distracted by that until the moment was suddenly broken by his sister Mel laughing. She clapped a hand over her mouth and shook her head before speaking.

“Sorry, oh my god though, that's so funny to hear.”

“I think it's great,” announced Fabian firmly.

Mark gave him a smile and Fabian sat a little taller in his chair.

“Oh no it is, of course it is,” agreed Mel. “We should have guessed shouldn't we?”

“It makes perfect sense,” added Stef calmly.

“Mm,” agreed Jan. “Very democratic. I think lots of people do that these days don't they?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Seb replied, trying not to look too obviously for his parents delayed reaction.

Mark nodded out at them.

“We just thought it worked,” he added.

“Vettel-Webber,” repeated his father as if trying it out. “Yes I suppose that does work. So that's official then?”

“We're still in the process,” Sebastian repeated. “So what do you think?”

“Very nice dear,” replied his mother.

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course. If you're married you want a married name. I don't suppose you'd want to pick just one.”

“No we wanted it to be right for both of us,” Seb replied, feeling himself relax as they responded more positively, even if it had taken his parents a while.

His father nodded, as if still accepting the information.

“So you'll be Vettel-Webber for racing then?”

“Of course. We're Vettel-Webber for everything.”

Mel huffed a laugh.

“Isn't that sort of the whole point?”

“I suppose it is,” agreed Norbert. “Yes. Well, that will take some getting used to.”

“For us too,” noted Seb.

“And on the official results you'll be Vettel-Webber. We'll have to get used to looking for that.”

“It's not exactly hard Dad,” pointed out Fabian.

“No, it'll just be different,” Norbert accepted.

 

He looked across at Seb and Mark and could see that they were still waiting for more, so he glanced to his wife and raised his coffee cup.

“To the Vettel-Webbers then.”

“The Vettel-Webbers,” echoed everyone else, raising whatever mug or cup they had to hand.

Sebastian finally smiled and his mother felt more guilt at how plainly he was waiting to have their approval.

“Vettel-Webber sounds very nice,” she offered. “I think that flows quite naturally as a name.”

“Yeah that's what we thought,” Sebastian agreed.

“Good, well that's settled then,” added Norbert. “Mark, I take it you've let your family know?”

“Yes we gave them a ring. They said they'll have to get used to looking for the name too.”

“It'll take a while to be officially changed for racing,” Seb added. “We've not spoken to anyone about that yet, we'll have to speak to our teams and go through the FIA and everything, so, well yeah.”

“It'll all get sorted,” assured Mark.

“Of course it will,” confirmed Heike, trying to sound as positive as she could.

“So you've got all that to deal with,” noted Norbert.

“It'll be fine,” Mark repeated, not wanting Seb to have any more worries.

“Of course. I'm sure.”

“It's not like the teams don't know they're together and stuff is it?” offered Fabian. “They've just made it official haven't you?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

“We're not worried about our teams,” confirmed Mark. “It's just paperwork really.”

“But I suppose you'll have to let people know,” Seb's father pointed out. “And the media...”

“Now don't let them worry about that,” interrupted Heike. “It's like Fabian said, they're just making things official. Of course they should have a married name.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Mark's right, we think the teams, I mean that's fine, and the press, well they'll help handle that. They'll probably make a fuss for a while, but just ignore it, okay?”

“I don't know why the press do these things,” complained Heike.

“Just ignore it,” repeated Seb. “We'll let you know when we work out what we're doing.”  
  


Stefanie looked over to her brother, thinking how unfortunate it was that he had this added stress to deal with.

“I'm sure you're right Seb, the team will deal with all that. Mark too.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, it's just PR, anyway that's all a way off. It's not the start of the season for either of us yet.”

“Good. Alright, well let's forget that then,” offered Norbert. “I'm sure they'll get used to Vettel-Webber as the rest of us will. It fits you well.”

“Good job you don't both have longer names,” Mel noted. “You'd be there all day writing it out.”

Mark huffed a laugh and fitted his arm around Seb.

“Racing drivers aren't ones for writing in the first place. We just need to practise new squiggles for signatures.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Oh god that's a point. I hadn't even thought about that.”

“I've no doubt you'll get plenty of opportunities.”

“I guess so.”

“Well then, there we go,” settled Norbert. “Hopefully they'll get that all started properly and you can start the new season as you mean to go on.”

“It's a new chapter for you,” agreed Heike, settling into the idea herself. “It does make sense that you make the change. Everyone's clear then aren't they?”

She did her best not to look at Stefanie and Jan as she said that. Heike had encountered enough trouble there with her eldest daughter's flat refusal to discuss any such changes for herself and her partner.

“Mm, yeah that's what we wanted isn't it Mark?” replied Sebastian.

“It is. We're glad you like it.”

“Of course we like it,” assured Norbert.

“Yes of course we do,” agreed Heike. “Very nice. Congratulations.”

The rest added their congratulations once more and Sebastian settled back, leaning just a little more into Mark by his side, relieved that this had gone far better than yesterday. That was it now, all done. By comparison, actually telling his team and indeed the press, seemed far less intimidating.

  
  


They spent the last part of their morning finally accepting more coffee to drink and letting the conversation flow a little more naturally. It seemed no time at all before Seb and Mark were back upstairs re-packing their bags and getting ready to go. By early afternoon the family were all in hallway saying their goodbyes once more. Now their visit was over Sebastian was glad he had come. It might have initially been easier to inform his family over the phone, but it would have been strained and distant. He could get and give apologies over the phone, but you couldn't give hugs that said far more. As his parents hugged him for too long now Seb hoped that really did mean that they were okay as they said they were. They both hugged Mark too and Seb didn't miss the nod his father gave Mark as they parted.

As he hugged his sister and Jan, Sebastian looked at Stefanie, thinking again how odd it was to have to lean in to hug her like this.

“You will call us won't you? To let us know.”

Mark smiled and gave Jan a pat on the arm.

“When you get chance.” He looked at Seb. “I think they'll have rather more pressing priorities.”

“No I know, of course. I just mean...”

“We'll let you know,” promised his sister calmly. “Or someone will.”

“Thanks. We'd like to come over and see you afterwards if that's okay?”

“Of course it's okay.”

“You can come and babysit,” smiled Jan.

Mark laughed. “Hmm, not sure how good we'd be at that, but sure. Anyway, you take care.”

“We will,” agreed Jan, putting an arm around Stef by his side.

Mark glanced over to the waiting taxi.

“Guess we'd better get going.”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian looked at his assembled family and felt as though still had so much to say to them, but then perhaps it was best to leave things to settle. They exchanged another quick round of hugs, promising his brother that he could come and stay soon and that they would be back in a month or so. His mother gave his arm a little rub as she let her son go.

“Now don't go working too hard,” advised Heike.

“I'll try not to.”

“And you take care of yourselves,” she addressed both Seb and Mark.

“We will,” assured Mark, his arm automatically around Sebastian.

“We look forwards to seeing Vettel-Webber on the timings screen,” added Norbert.

“On mine or Mark's?” asked Seb.

“On both. Right, well you'd better get going before one of you has to take over the wheel of that taxi to get to the airport in time.”  
  


Mark and Seb smiled and said their final goodbyes before climbing into that taxi, their family waving them off. Sebastian leaned into Mark and puffed out a breath.

“Bloody hell. Tell me that visiting your family's going to be easier?” implored Seb.

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Visiting my family is going to be easier.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Sebastian let out a sigh as he relaxed.

“Thank god for that.”

 

  
  


The family waved until they could no longer see them, then went back inside. Norbert and Heike were the last to go in, heading for the kitchen to make more drinks whilst the rest went into the lounge.

“Do you think he's alright now?” checked Heike.

“He seems to be doesn't he?”

“Yes I suppose. Do you think he's forgiven us?”

“I'm sure he has, both of them hopefully.”

“Mm.”

Heike let out a long sigh and her husband gave her arm a rub.

“It'll be okay. We've all said our sorrys and made up. Seb will be okay.”

“I suppose Mark will look after him,” noted Heike.

“I'm sure he will. And you're alright?”

“Course I'm alright. I was just the shock. Poor Seb. He can't have expected this when he came here.”

“Neither of them.”

“No, well... It's just Seb is so...”

Heike shrugged, struggling to put into words how vulnerable their son could seem.

“He's hardier than he looks. Seb will pick himself up,” Norbert assured, “and as you say, he's got Mark to look after him hasn't he?”

Heike nodded and Norbert gave her a hug.

“He'll be alright. They're a good pair and they're settled now, so that's that,” he asserted.

“I suppose they are.”

“It's for the best. You know Mark makes him happy.”

Heike nodded.

“I suppose in the end that's all that matters,” she admitted.

“It is and we just have to accept that.”

“Okay.”

 

Heike took a decisive breath, then nodded again and went to put the kettle on. They made more drinks and took them through to the others, sitting with the rest of the family as they drank. Norbert looked around the group. Their youngest who looked up to his older brother and Mark so much, Melanie who seemed to be a law unto herself just as she had been since she was small and Stefanie who sat with her partner, looking, though he wouldn't dream of saying so out-loud, quite ready to pop. Norbert smiled to himself, knowing that his wife would be distinctly unamused to hear such a comment.

Life came their way and all they could do was take it on and make the best of it. Their eldest son was married to another man, whilst their eldest daughter was about to have a baby without her or her partner apparently feeling any need to formalise their relationship.

Norbert watched as Stefanie put down her tea and took Jan's hand to place it on her stomach to feel the baby kick, the pair smiling at one another. They were happy. Seb was happy with Mark. As long as they were secure in their happiness, wasn't that all that mattered?

He knew it wasn't really a question he ought to have to ask.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pffff, I need a lie down. Families can be bloody exhausting sometimes.


	122. Tells

* * *

 

  
  


In the days after the weekend spent with Sebastian's family in Germany, Mark couldn't help but notice that Seb was still a little subdued. The unfortunate thing was that no matter how much his parents apologised for their initial reaction and tried to make it up to them, it was the first impression that lasted. Mark had tried talking it over, but Seb could only tell him that he knew they meant well but it had all been such a mess he couldn't help the way it left him feeling unsettled, so Mark decided that they best thing was to leave it and concentrate on other things to make him happy, hoping that a little distance, both physically and metaphorically, would help Sebastian re-adjust and gradually accept that his parents really were as happy for them as they now claimed to be.

The snow was almost entirely gone now, so there was plenty of scope for going out for bike rides and runs to get their pre-season training in gear which meant fresh air and a good flow of endorphins in the blood which Mark knew ought to help. Doing this also helped them to feel as if they were slotting into their old routine which was always nice, despite the often raw weather they exercised in.

 

There was also the new extension to get finalised. Sebastian had taken several pictures of the stages of development and sent them through to his brother, partly because he knew he would be interested, but mostly as an excuse to stay in touch with him and to reassure himself with his brother's positive responses that they really were okay. He promised him they'd look for a time he could come look for himself and that he and Mark would check their diaries to work it out.

By mid-week the specialist tiler completed his work on the pool and when they were told that the tiles were set to walk on and they could finally go to look more closely at it, Mark took Seb though to show him a little surprise feature. They climbed into the dry pool and Mark led Sebastian down to what would be the deep end.

Most of the tiles in the pool were light blue to emphasise the sense of water that would soon fill it, with only a darker line around the edge, but if you looked closely at the bottom along the base of the pool, the little blue tiles varied slightly their shade in a pattern designed to look like waves. It had taken a little longer, but when they had spoken with the tiler they'd been glad to find that he was the sort of person who took pride in his work and enjoyed the satisfaction that came from being so precise. As they looked at the tiling of the pool Sebastian thought how the effort that had gone into it chimed well with him as he always tried to take the same attitude with his own work. That the workman cared about what he produced wasn't the surprise though, the surprise wasn't visible until you got right up close.

Sebastian was walking slowly along the floor of the pool, admiring the handiwork. He smiled to Mark.

“It looks good doesn't it?”

“Yep,” agreed Mark. “He's done a nice job.”

“I think it's nice to have something to look at if you swim under water,” Seb noted.

“Mm,” Mark smiled. “On that note sweetheart, come down here.”

 

He took Sebastian's hand and led him on to the central spot about three-quarters along where the pool would be deepest. It took a moment, then he saw what Mark was guiding him to and Seb ducked down to look closer.

“Oh my god!”

Mark grinned and dipped down with him. There at the centre, amidst all the little waves of blue, were two perfectly tiled fishes, swimming in a circle, tail-to-tail. Mark was even more impressed at the detail the craftsman had gone to. The tiles for the fishes were different to the plain matt blue used elsewhere. The fishes where picked out in delicate tiny tessellated squares of jewel-coloured greens and purple with features shaded an orangey-yellow in the style of exotic creatures from the tropics.

“You like them then?” checked Mark.

Sebastian tore his eyes away from examining the mosaic and beamed at him.

“Oh Liebling they're wonderful. Our little fishes.”

“Yeah.”

“You asked him to do this?”

“Course,” smiled Mark. “I just thought it would be nice to sneak in a little detail.”

“You are sneaky.”

Mark laughed and shrugged.

“I just said two fishes. I didn't know he was going to make this. They're rather special aren't they?”

“They're beautiful,” Seb praised. “Really lovely. I need to take a picture.”

 

Sebastian pulled his phone out from his jeans pocket and snapped a couple of pictures to save. When he was satisfied that he'd got a decent shot to keep before the pool was filled and the opportunity lost, Sebastian stroked his fingers gently over the little tiles, running the tips over the smooth surface.

“It's like the tiles are scales,” Seb noted.

“Mm, yeah, works pretty well doesn't it?” agreed Mark.

The fishes were only a slightly bigger than the palm of his hand, so they weren't too garish, just as he'd specified.

“It does.” Seb huffed a laugh and shook his head. “How did you manage to organise this without me finding out?”

Mark shrugged.

“We're allowed little surprises if they're nice ones aren't we?”

“Course we are.”

“Well, I just had a word when you were in work to see if it was possible and he said yes. Really wasn't that complicated.”

Sebastian nodded.

“And you did it for me?”

Mark laughed, “well me too, but yeah. I just thought it would be nice.”

“It is nice. Now when I'm swimming I'll have to dive down here to take a look at them.”

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“You'll never be above water.”

“No I will. I'll just pop down to say hello.”

Mark smiled, thinking he'd bet money that Seb genuinely did say hello to their pool companions. He touched the smooth cold tiles, following the outline of the fins and tail.

“It really is very artistic,” he agreed.

“Yeah. Is he still here?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark lifted his head to look. There was another specialist in the corner sorting out the air-conditioning and a few others about, but not the tiler.

“I think he might be finishing off the shower in the changing room.”

“We should go say thank you,” Sebastian suggested.

 

Mark nodded and they went to make their way out to do so, checking on all the other almost-complete features as they did.

There was a heating control panel in the corridor and several builders doing the last bits of plastering and flooring in the gym ready for Seb's old equipment to finally come out of storage and be installed later in the week. Then there was the changing room which was already done apart from, as predicted, the shower over to the side where a man knelt on the floor completing his work.

The two went in to offer their praise and thanks, then returned to the gym where they found the foreman to have a more general chat to confirm that everything really ought to be completed later in the week.

As they finished up, Mark and Sebastian walked down the little corridor that neatly fitted along the back wall of the garage, Seb noting that you wouldn't know it from in here seeing as the windows on the right-hand side all looked out into the back garden. At the end of the passageway they opened the door and as if by magic, they were back in the main house.

“It's so cool,” praised Sebastian.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“I have to admit darling, you're right, it is pretty damn cool. And I've you to thank for it.”

“Me?” frowned Sebastian, thinking that they were jointly paying for it.

“It was your idea wasn't it?”

“Oh I see. Well it's ours now isn't it?”

“Course it is,” Mark agreed.

They made their way back to the kitchen, rejoined by the dogs who were the reason that door was there separating the extension from the main house. Mark put the kettle on while Seb gave the animals a pet, smiling as he looked over, pleased to see that Seb seemed in a better mood. Now that they had (or very nearly had) the pool and gym added to the house, Mark wondered how he'd never thought to do this before when it would be so handy. It had taken Sebastian coming up with the idea to get them to do it. Mark thought back to the moment he'd suggested it when they had been bobbing about in the azure sea on their summer holiday a long way from here. Just another way Seb made his life better. Finding a tiny way to surprise him by personalising their pool only made Mark feel he repaid him a little bit.

  
  


  
  


  
  


While dinner was in the oven a little later, Mark and Sebastian sat down at the kitchen table with a piece of paper and decided that the easiest thing was simply to make a list of who they needed to tell their news to personally and in what order. They only had a week and a half until testing in Barcelona and given the propensity of the paddock, even out of season, to spread exciting gossip like wildfire, they knew they had to get it done before then.

Top of their list was Pauline. They'd missed her on the Tuesday when they'd taken their time over coffee on their run and come home to a note saying she hoped they'd had a nice trip and she would see them on Thursday. Thursday was tomorrow. They both agreed that now their families knew, they had to tell her.

 

The next morning they hung around the kitchen after walking the dogs, wanting to make sure that they didn't miss her. As soon as the dogs pricked up their ears, Mark and Sebastian leapt up out of their seats at the table and turned for the door to see Pauline walk in. The dogs rushed over to say hello to her and she gave them a rub as she smiled at the other two standing waiting.

“This is quite a reception committee. You not training this morning?”

Mark and Sebastian looked at one another, then Seb answered.

“Oh we thought we'd leave it and go for a bike ride later.”

It was true, although Seb left out the reason why.

“Ah I see, well yes it is bitter out there this morning, you're probably best keeping warm.”

“Mm. So would you like a cup of tea?” Mark offered.

“Oh well I should be getting on. Maybe after?”

Mark glanced back to Seb.

“Actually we were wondering if you had a moment?”

“A moment?”

“We'd like to talk to you.”

Pauline frowned.

“You're not off again are you? I thought Seb's testing didn't start until the last week of the month.”

“No not that.”

Mark suddenly felt almost as awkward as he had done telling his parents. He guessed it must be the lingering guilt caused by keeping the information to themselves for so long.

“The thing is, we've got something to tell you,” Mark admitted.

“Yeah and we feel pretty bad about it,” added Seb, “because really I mean we would have told you sooner, but it kindof got a bit complicated with family and stuff.”

 

Pauline had stepped in closer to the pair, still at a loss as to what they were talking about. Mark had put his arm around Seb without even realising he'd done it, but Pauline noticed the way they pulled in together as a little united front.

“Yeah we wish we could have said before,” Mark agreed.

“Said what?”

“Our news.”

“News?”

“Yeah, um, about us.”

Mark paused so Sebastian leapt in.

“We got married,” he burst out, feeling he couldn't keep it in any longer.

 

Pauline's eyes widened and she almost took a step back in surprise.

“Oh my goodness!”

“We wanted to tell you sooner, we really did,” asserted Seb. “It was just family complicated things.”

Pauline was still getting her breath back. She let out a little laugh and shook her head.

“When? Was this at the weekend? Was that why you were at your family's in Germany?”

Mark looked back to Seb then their housekeeper.

“Oh um, no. That was to tell them,” he explained.

“So when?”

“Um, before we went on holiday,” Mark confessed.

“It was sort of our honeymoon. I mean it was,” Sebastian added. “I'm sorry we didn't tell you. It's just we didn't really tell anyone. We just wanted a really quiet, non-stressful wedding and then to go away. So we didn't tell anyone, we just did it and thought we'd tell everyone after. It wasn't like we meant to deceive people.”

Pauline pulled a face at his anxious little spiel justifying their actions.

“Of course not dear. I wouldn't think that. You should do what feels right, shouldn't you?”

Sebastian failed to hide a little sigh of relief and Mark gave him a quick squeeze before Pauline stepped in to hug the both of them.

 

As she stood back, Pauline smiled and tsk'd.

“Silly boys worrying about telling me. I'm only your housekeeper.”

Mark gave her a firm look.

“No you're not. You're much more than that.”

“Course you are,” Seb confirmed.

“Well anyway. That's wonderful news. I'm so happy for you,” congratulated Pauline.

She let out a laugh.

“Right, I think I will have that cup of tea and you can tell me all about it.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Excellent idea.”

 

They sat themselves at the kitchen table and told Pauline their story, Pauline asking for details and listening to everything they said with a rapturous smile on her face, laughing and shaking her head at how she could have failed to notice their rings. Sebastian ended up getting the laptop out to show her the photos Jenson had emailed them so Pauline could sigh and tell them how fantastic they looked.

“Ah boys, these are marvellous. You were lucky with the weather weren't you?”

Sebastian smiled as he remembered that day.

“It was cold, but yeah, clear, so we were lucky I guess.”

“I hope you're getting these printed up.”

Seb smiled at Mark as he answered.

“Yeah we already sent them off to get them framed and we sent them to our families.”

“They really are lovely and you look so happy both of you.” Pauline sighed. “Oh this is the best news. I can't tell you how pleased I am for you.”

Mark smiled warmly at her, wishing every time they had done this it had been so easy.

“Thanks. Just a small ceremony as we said, so we could get it all done and dusted.”

“Well it makes sense if you're about to go dashing about again soon,” she agreed.

“Yeah that's what we thought,” concurred Seb. “Oh and something else. We're changing our name.”

“Oh my, what to?”

“Vettel-Webber,” beamed Seb.

Pauline put her hand on her heart and sighed.

“Oh but that's lovely,” she exclaimed.

 

Sebastian looked at Mark out of the corner of his eye and Mark just gave him a little ironic smile back, both thinking that this was how sharing their news with those who cared about them was _supposed_ to go.

“Thank you,” offered Mark. “You're really very kind Pauline.”

“Yeah thank you. We do feel bad we didn't invite people, but it was just simplest to do it this way,” Sebastian added.

“Of course. No you don't need to feel bad about it. I'm sure everyone is just pleased for you,” insisted Pauline.

“Mm.”

Seb squished his face and Pauline leaned in a little closer over the table.

“Everything alright? I mean it's none of my business, but...”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Just my mum and dad were a bit put out.”

“Ah. Oh well dear I'm sure they're happy for you really.”

“Yeah they are, just... Anyway it doesn't matter.”

“They just took a while to come round,” Mark qualified. “They are happy for us sweetheart.”

“Yeah, it's fine.”

Pauline reached over and patted Seb's hand.

“I'm sure they are. Parents are human too Seb, but when it comes down to it your children being safe and happy is all anyone wants,” she advised.

Sebastian looked at her and nodded.

“Thank you.”

Pauline gave him a smile.

“You know when my Tom decided to get married and stay out in Canada there was a part of me that was... well upset is the wrong word, I wasn't unhappy with him, I was glad he'd found someone and that they'd chosen to make a life together, but it wasn't perhaps how I'd thought things would be. It was difficult, it still is sometimes, but the main thing is that he's happy. I'm sure the same is true with your parents.”

Sebastian nodded. It was hard to imagine things from someone else's point of view, particularly your own parents'.

“It was just complicated, with us I mean,” he added.

“Yes well I'm sure they understand that,” Pauline assured.

“You must miss your son,” offered Seb.

Pauline gave a little acknowledging tip of her head.

“I do, but you helped with that didn't you? We make the most of the time we have together. I'm sure it's the same for you, and you Mark.”

Mark nodded.

“True.”

“Life isn't always quite what you expect it to be. As you say dear, it's complicated, but we make the best of it. Your parents care a great deal about you. I'm certain whatever complications there are, they fade into insignificance compared to knowing you're happy.”

 

Mark took a sip of his tea and looked to Sebastian, seeing how he accepted what she said. Pauline was saying much the same as he had, but somehow hearing it from someone rather more like his mother seemed to be getting through to him. Seb often commented that they didn't pay their housekeeper enough, Mark was currently thinking how right he was.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The following day Sebastian was due to go into the factory, but shortly after they returned from their early walk out with the dogs the doorbell rang. They knew it wasn't any of the workmen as they were in the habit of coming around to the kitchen to knock on the door, so Mark went into the hall while Seb kept Shadow and Simba back to prevent them pouncing on whoever was there. Sebastian was so used to people arriving at the door presaging bad news that he was surprised to hear Mark let out a laugh down the corridor. He peered out from the kitchen while trying to push the dogs back.

“What is it?” called Seb, seeing Mark nod out to whoever was there.

“Thanks mate.”

He elbowed the door shut, his hands now full of parcels and envelopes as he turned around.

“We have post,” Mark announced, still sounding amused.

 

Mark carried his delivery pile over and Sebastian held the door open to allow him to walk in to the kitchen and deposit everything on the kitchen table, taking care not to trip of the dogs tangling around his feet.

“Oh my goodness, what's all this?”

Mark huffed a laugh and picked up one of the cards at the top of the pile.

“They're addressed to both of us, so I guess we'd better find out.”

Sebastian picked up an envelope and peered at it. As Mark said, it was addressed to both of them, but the actual name shown above their address made him bite his lip with excitement as he saw written: Mark & Sebastian Vettel-Webber.

He looked up to Mark in surprise, thrilled at seeing their joint name being used by others for the very first time.

“Come on then,” prompted Mark, and they started opening up what was in front of them, finding as he had guessed, a selection of cards and gifts from both their families.

 

Each item made Sebastian feel better and better. Mark's family didn't surprise him with their generosity, but the little note written by Diane telling them how she had already had their photographs printed and put in frames made him smile as they read it together. Mark joked that his mother had probably high-tailed it into town to get them done the moment they arrived. The card from Leanne and her husband also included a reminder asking them to let them know when they could tell their kids which Seb knew was a hint to pull their finger out about letting people know. She'd included a picture of Ryan proudly wearing the new RedBull kit that they had sent him for his birthday, giving both Mark and Sebastian the impression that they could be sure that one member of their family would certainly be happy to hear their news.

The cards and messages from Mark's family and indeed Seb's own sisters were nice, but it was the card from his parents that Sebastian sat gazing at. Both his mum and dad had taken up half the inside with a note telling them both how pleased they were for them and how happy they were sure they would be together. Mark looked over and put his arm around Seb to give him a squeeze as Sebastian read the card for, he guessed, the third or fourth time.

“See darling. They are happy for us.”

Seb dragged his eyes away from the card and gave Mark a nod. He felt too choked to actually form words and as he swallowed, Mark could see he was feeling emotional.

“Ah sweetheart, you know they were always going to be fine. They just needed a little bit of time.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave his arm a rub.

“Come on, look at this one. It's from your brother.”

Mark offered over the card he had just opened from Fabian. On the front instead of the usual generic congratulations, wedding pictures and vaguely romantic imagery, Seb's younger brother had found a card with a drawing of two stick men in top hats doing a dance and inside Fabian had written that he thought they ought to have worn these for the wedding. Sebastian took the card and laughed.

“Ha, oh my god can you imagine?”

“Fine pair we'd make,” smiled Mark.

“Yeah.” Sebastian shook his head and let out a sigh as he relaxed. “Maybe it's best Fabe wasn't there if he was going to insist on that sort of thing?”

Mark huffed a little laugh, glad to hear Seb finally making a joke about it all.

 

They worked their way through the parcels, finding a selection of gifts, mostly things for the house. It didn't matter that they didn't really need anything, it was the thought that mattered and that their families had gone to the trouble of sending things. By the end of it Sebastian was feeling considerably better about everything. As he looked up to the clock his team had given him for Christmas, Seb took in a deep breath.

“I'd better get off to work Liebling. Are you okay if we call people later? I really ought to be going.”

“Course.”

Sebastian got up and started getting himself ready to go. As Mark went to say goodbye on the doorstep, Seb paused.

“Mark.”

“Mm.”

“I think I might talk to Christian while I'm in.”

“Tell him you mean?”

“Yeah. If that's okay?”

“Course it's okay. And the rest?”

Sebastian hmm'd for a moment. “If Britta's in I might have a chat with her.”

“Sure. I'm betting she'll have some ideas about how we should go about telling people,” Mark noted.

Seb smiled. “I've no doubt she will,” he agreed.

“Guess it's time for me to make a call to Stuttgart then.”

“Only if you want to,” qualified Seb, “I mean I'm sure we can trust Christian and Britta to keep it to themselves.”

“I know, but we've got to get on with it now haven't we?”

“Guess so. When we call later we ought to tell your nieces and nephew too. I feel bad they're being left out.”

“ _Our_ nieces and nephews,” adjusted Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, sure. Alright sweetheart, full steam ahead then.”

“Yep.”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You going to wish me luck?” asked Sebastian.

Mark frowned.

“What for?”

“Telling Christian. I think he might keel over.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Once apon a time maybe, not now.”

“Yeah I guess. Well anyways I'll see you later.”

“Yep. Oh you'll be back before four won't you? You know today's the last day most of the team will be here working on the extension,” Mark reminded him.

“Course.”

There was still the official handover from the firm the next day, but they both wanted to say thank you to the builders for all their hard work. They knew that they had concentrated their efforts to get it done far more quickly than they normally would, working weekends and accommodating the specialists as they all worked around one another to get the job finished before the season began. Seb and Mark had paid extra for the service, but that wasn't the point. Their winter break really was coming to a close now and it was time to move on.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian worked through his planned day, spending time with the engineers, some runs in the sim to pre-test developments ahead of the actual test in Barcelona and time with his trainer in the gym. He'd called in to say hello to Britta seeing as it had been a while, but Seb decided to speak to his boss before telling her, so now he stood outside Christian's office, waiting now he'd knocked on his door.

“Yep?”

Sebastian opened the door and stuck his head in.

“Is it a good time?”

“Oh Seb, come on in. How's it been going today?”

“Yeah good.”

Sebastian walked into the office and shut the door behind him, hesitating for only a moment before taking a seat opposite his boss.

“Everything's okay isn't it?” checked Christian, seeing there was something more going on than his driver simply passing the time of day. “I know there are parts we're not going to have until the very last minute in Spain, but it can't be helped.”

“No no that's fine. It's not about work, well, not really.”

“Oh?”

 

Christian regarded Sebastian and wondered what it could be now. Seb didn't seem too concerned about whatever it was, but Christian could tell it was something important. He tried to make sure he had an open expression on his face to encourage Sebastian to share whatever was on his mind.

“Um, yeah so...” Seb unconsciously glanced back towards the door to be sure it was definitely closed, then carried on. “I thought I ought to let you know Mark and I got married, so I've changed my name and obviously that will need sorting for all the racing stuff.”

Christian coughed and stared at his driver.

“Wait, roll that back. You got married?”

Sebastian smiled, his cheeks rounding as he suddenly thought how funny this was when you considered how things had once been between him and Mark as team-mates here.

“Yep.”

“Well, um, congratulations.”

Christian suddenly let out a laugh and Sebastian joined him.

“I know it must be a bit of a surprise to you,” Seb allowed.

Christian took in a deep breath and puffed it out as he looked at him.

“No not really actually. Ha, my goodness though. That's going to cause a stir.”

“You really think so?”

Christian nodded slowly.

“A bit. I mean we'll handle it, but you know what the media are like. Have you spoken to Britta?”

“Not yet. I thought I ought to start with you,” Sebastian admitted.

“Right, well okay then. Yeah I think we should. If that's okay with you?”

“Um, sure. Do you really think it's going to be a problem?”

“No not a problem, we need to be prepared that's all.”

Christian rang Britta's office and asked her to pop up for five minutes. As he replaced the receiver he looked at Sebastian.

 

“Don't think I'm saying it's a problem Sebi. It's great news. I'm very pleased for you.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“And you'll pass my best wishes to Mark won't you?”

“Sure. He's coming to Barcelona of course,” Seb reminded him.

“Ah of course, well I'll see him then.”

“So about the name thing,” started Seb.

“Oh yeah. Gosh so what's your married name?” enquired Christian.

“Vettel-Webber.”

Christian smiled and let out an irrepressible little laugh.

“Oh boy. Well, well. Ha, _Vettel-Webber_ , now there's a thing.”

“It's okay isn't it? It's not going to cause an issue?” worried Seb.

“Hm? No, no issue. Well, I mean we'll have to inform the FIA, get your racing licence updated and so forth. Oh and actually we'd better get on the case seeing as it's only five weeks till Melbourne.”

“Five weeks? God I hadn't realised it was so close.”

“Yeah, that's having testing so late. I think it's creeping up on all of us. So yes we really will need to get it sorted and then there's all the travel documentation, visas and everything else.”

“Right,” nodded Sebastian, only realising now how much of a knock-on effect their name change had.

“We'll get it all arranged Seb, don't worry.”

“Do I need to do anything?”

“Um, well I'll let logistics know and they may have to ask you for some documents. I presume it's officially changed?”

“Yeah. It was easier than I thought actually. We're just waiting on our replacement passports coming back.”

Christian nodded.

“Okay well they can chase that too. We've got time,” he reassured.

“Thanks. Really Christian I know I'm always throwing things at you.”

Christian shrugged. Compared to some of the things that had come their way the previous year, changing a name was pretty minor.

“It's fine Sebi. We'll get it all sorted out.”

“Thanks.” Sebastian paused, then carried on. “Um, thing is we're still only just getting round to speaking to people and...”

“They understand confidentiality Seb. I'll have a word.”

“The FIA?”

Christian puffed a breath. His team he could trust, outside that he knew Seb had a point.

“Well I guess we'd better get onto figuring out what you want to do. I suspect you're right. Sooner rather than later.”

Right on cue Britta appeared and once she'd got past her own surprise at hearing the news and pulled him into a hug which surprised Seb himself at its firmness, Britta was all business.

 

“Christian's right,” Britta concurred. “We need to take the lead on this. I don't think it's realistic to expect to wait until Australia to tell the world.”

“Yeah okay,” sighed Seb. “Thing is we still have a list of people we want to tell personally.”

Britta nodded. “Fine, but if I were you I'd get to it. With the best will in the world, once everyone's assembled in Barcelona tongues are going to wag. So if I were you I'd use this next week to speak to whoever you want to and then, well... it's a matter of how you want to do it?”

Sebastian puffed his cheeks.

“To be honest I'd rather not say anything. It's really nobody's business.”

Britta nodded.

“I know, but once the media find out you know they're not going to play by those rules.”

“Yeah,” sighed Sebastian.

“Better to get out in front. We put it out there, then that's that. I'll lay down the law and if they want co-operation they'll have to behave themselves.”

“Or else,” smiled Christian, trying to keep things light.

Seb nodded, knowing that Britta could be tough if she needed to be.

“I'm sorry I'm making life difficult for you yet again,” he apologised.

Britta shrugged. “You certainly keep it interesting, I'll give you that. Anyway don't worry about it. We'll work it all out.”

“So what would you advise?” wondered Christian. “Are you thinking something like a press release?”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“About getting married? God I'd rather not. Sorry Britta, but it just seems so... I don't know, weird, to have something so formal.”

“Not very you,” smiled Britta. “No that's fine. I was thinking more that you could drop it into an interview, or perhaps we could play it by ear when we get to testing, see if word's got out already and decide then how we want to deal with it.”

“I just don't want to make it into a big thing,” Seb explained. “I mean really nothing's changed. We're just the same, it's just we're official now.”

“And the name,” noted Britta.

“Yeah the name,” smiled Sebastian. “Even I'm still getting used to that.”

“It's going to take me a while,” admitted Christian. “I'll be thinking I'm looking at both of you on the board.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“You are in a way.”

 

The other two gave him smiles in reply and Sebastian sat back in his chair a little as he began to feel more at ease about everything now he knew he had his team's support. They spoke for a little while more, Seb asking if Dan might be in next week and suggesting he wanted to speak to the rest of his personal team ahead of travelling out to Spain.

“Do you think it's a good idea?” Sebastian checked.

Christian nodded.

“I think they'd appreciate hearing it personally Seb, but without wishing to cast aspersions, I'd say leaving it until we're about to go would be wise. I can have a quiet word after you've spoken to them to remind them to keep it to themselves for now, but that sort of thing, well...”

“Too good gossip?” offered Seb with a wry smile.

“I'm afraid so,” his boss agreed. “Somebody's bound to tell just one old friend on another team once we get there and well, you know how it goes.”

“Only too well,” agreed Sebastian. “Yeah alright. Well okay that should cover it.”

“Yep. Oh, Helmut and Dietrich?”

Christian saw the way Sebastian paused and decided to do what he could to make things a little easier for him.

“You know what, I'm in Austria on Monday. Why don't I let them know then?”

“You don't think it'll seem rude of me not to speak to them?”

“You'll get nothing else done at this rate. No it's fine. I'll speak to them. I'm sure they can give you their congratulations when they see you in person.”

Sebastian nodded. He wasn't one hundred percent sure that Dr. Marko would be overjoyed at the news, but he really was past caring what he thought.

  
  


  
  


When he got home Sebastian only had time for a quick exchange with Mark to check that all had gone well speaking with their respective team bosses before they had to head out back to look at the finalised extension and thanking the building team for all their work. The sign off came tomorrow, but both Mark and Seb wanted to spend a little time looking over it with those whom they knew were really responsibly for the end product.

It certainly did look good, even if the paint was still drying in a few places. All the gym equipment was in place and the pool finally filled. The heating engineer went over how the controls all worked once again and reminded them that they could ask the person who would be coming to do regular maintenance and cleaning if they had any issues, or indeed contact him directly if there was a real problem. He handed over his card and they thanked him along with the rest. Once they'd said their goodbyes and all the vans drove away Mark and Sebastian shut themselves back in the house.

“It's going to feel strange to be so quiet,” noted Sebastian as they walked into the kitchen to make themselves a cup of tea.

Mark shrugged.

“Nice just to be us.”

“True, and these guys of course.”

Seb gave Simba a rub as he stood by him. Mark smiled and nodded.

“Right then, shall we dig our list out and start crossing folk off?” he proposed.

Sebastian made the tea and came to join him at the table. It felt a slightly odd process, but it was better to be organised about it all. This way they felt in control of the situation, for now at least. He looked over at the list, then at Mark.

“So we'll call your sister later to talk to the kids?”

“Yep, better had. It's not really on to leave them out of the loop forever.”

Seb nodded.

“You don't think they'll say anything?”

“Not if Leanne tells them not to. I think they can manage a secret for a week anyway, I don't know about longer than that.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking the same was true of his mechanics. There was only so much you could expect of people when you gave them the choicest of gossip, then asked them not to share it.  
  


 

  
  


Mark and Sebastian gave themselves the weekend off from worrying about anything once they had spoken to Leanne's kids on the Friday night (which was Saturday morning their time). Mark's sister had assured them that she would make sure that they understood that the information was a privilege and something they needed to keep to themselves for now, which was reassuring. Mark thought his nieces seemed rather surprised by the news even if they were perfectly polite in their congratulations, but his nephew sounded so amazed he did wonder how Ryan was going to keep a lid on it when it was clearly very exciting to find out that his new world champion uncle really was official now. When they finished the call Mark had turned to Seb and let out a little sigh, telling him just that.

Sebastian shrugged.

“He's only a little boy. If he lets it slip to one of his friends at school do you really think it's going to go global in five minutes?”

Mark puffed a breath, hoping kids of that age were too young to be on social media.

“Dunno, spose it depends if that kid tells their parents.”

“Ah well, what can you do? If that happens, it happens,” Seb offered. “To be honest Liebling I think we're in danger of making more of this than it needs to be. We're going to tell people soon enough anyway.”

“Mm, true.”

Mark smiled and huffed out a little laugh at Sebastian being the sanguine one. He leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah you're right sweetheart. Okay well we'll work on down our list next week. At least all our families know now.”

“Exactly. Next friends, then the rest of our teams and then that's it, anyone can know and it's fine.”

“Righto,” Mark agreed. “Well once we've had the extension all signed off tomorrow, we can christen our lovely new pool and that'll keep us busy this weekend won't it?”

Seb gave him a wry smile.

“I've heard the weather forecast Liebling. I think we've picked a good weekend for it to be ready.”

“Is it that bad?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Gales and rain.”

“Ah.” Mark smiled. “Well that's good timing then isn't it?”

“Best kind.”

“Right then, who shall we call next to do our thank yous?”

Seb shrugged.

“I guess your mum and dad, then my lot as that might take a while.”

“Righto, no problem.” Mark looked at him and put his arm around Seb. “You know everything's fine now don't you?”

“Yeah. Yeah I think so. It was kind of them to send all those things.”

“Course it was. Come on then, let's call my folks. Prepare yourself for Mum getting very over-excited at the pictures she's put up.”

Sebastian smiled and relaxed.

“Your mum is lovely Liebling. Okay, dial away then.”

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


  
  


When Sebastian went into the factory on the Tuesday, Christian popped down to see how Seb had been faring on the sim and casually dropped in a mention that Daniel was due in later. Sebastian nodded and replied equally casually to thank his boss and tell him that he'd try and have a quick catch up with him. When Christian left, Seb went on discussing his lap times with his engineer, trying not to feel too bad about not telling him yet. It all got so complicated. They'd made and agreed the order they were working through their list, he wasn't going to make his life any more difficult by worrying himself in circles about it.

Once they were done, Sebastian wandered down a quiet corridor and rang Mark to let him know that he was going to be late back.

“I thought I could catch Dan when he arrives and see when he's free, maybe have a quick coffee?” he suggested.

“Sure.”

“You don't mind me not getting back for lunch?”

Mark grinned to himself and looked at the dogs sat in the corner of the kitchen.

“That's fine, I'll give yours to Shadow and Simba.”

“ _Mark_.”

“I'm teasing darling. It's no problem. I'll see you when I see you.”

“Okay. I'll try not to be too long. I might fit in another chat with Antti about using the pool for training.”

“Righto, you do whatever you need to mate. I'll be here. Take care driving back. It really is torrential out,” Mark advised as he looked out of the kitchen window into the garden where the rain was hammering down.

Sebastian smiled at Mark telling an F1 driver who was used to successfully taking Eau Rouge at 200 miles per hour in the rain to take extra care traversing the many roundabouts of Milton Keynes, but he merely thanked him and said he'd see him later. Then Seb went to hang around the entrance hall, trying not to look too obvious that he was waiting to see his team-mate arrive.

  
  


 

As soon as Sebastian saw the familiar tall figure coming through the front door of the factory he stopped pretending to look at something important on his phone (which had in fact been all the photographs stored in the gallery) and leapt up from the soft seating in the reception waiting area so he could catch a word with him.

“Oh hey, Dan,” Seb greeted him.

Daniel looked at Sebastian with a little surprise at him pouncing unexpectedly.

“Hey Seb. Ha, I meant to send you a text to ask if you were likely to be about. Guess that answers my question.”

“Yeah um, I was wondering if you might have a moment for a chat?”

“Course. Everything alright?”

“Sure, just if maybe you had time for a coffee?”

Daniel looked at his watch.

“Ah, I would, but I'm running a bit late and I don't want to keep folk waiting.”

“Right, course,” dismissed Sebastian, not wanting to make it seem a big deal.

Daniel felt bad for knocking him back.

“Tell you what mate, you gonna be around in a bit? I'm sure after an hour of staring at data with the engineers I'll be gasping for a break.”

“Great. I'll be with Antti if you just want to drop me a text when you're free?

“Will do mate.”  
  


Daniel nodded and strode off while Sebastian went to find his trainer to kill time, hoping he hadn't seemed too keen then. His team-mate probably thought him very strange sometimes, Seb was sure.

  
  


  
  


A little after an hour later Sebastian led them over to a table in the far corner of the canteen well away from the couple of staff still in here following the main lunch break. For a few minutes they made general conversation and chatted about how things were looking for testing, then Dan took a drink of coffee and looked over at Sebastian.

“So is Mark coming along?”

“Hm?”

Seb pulled himself back from wondering how he mentioned what he needed to.

“To Barcelona?” he checked.

“Yeah. I wasn't sure if he'd be busy.”

“Right, um, no we're fine, WEC starts later than us, so yeah Mark's coming.”

“Great. It'll be nice to have a catch up.”

“Mm.”

Daniel frowned, thinking Seb seemed distracted. He leaned in a little closer over the table.

“Everything's okay isn't it mate?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah yeah everything's good.”

“And Mark's okay?”

Sebastian smiled, seeing the puzzled expression on his team-mate's face.

“He's great. We're both good. That's what I wanted to talk to you about,” he explained.

“Ah right.”

Daniel sat back a bit and drank some more of his coffee, still wondering what this was about. He was more than happy to have a chat with Seb, but his team-mate was clearly preoccupied and Dan got the impression that something was up, not that that was uncommon with Sebastian. Daniel used the pause while he drank to let a silence fall, hoping that Seb would fill it by telling him whatever it was that was on his mind.

 

Sebastian automatically glanced around to make doubly sure that no one else was in earshot, then took in a breath before speaking quietly.

“Okay so I know I've done this too often, but if I tell you something, can I ask you to keep it to yourself for a bit?”

Daniel frowned.

“Course mate, is it something personal?”

“You could say that,” agreed Seb. “So yeah, we're gonna find a way to let people know, but I wanted to tell you beforehand.”

Sebastian paused again and Dan occupied the gap by taking another sip of his drink, not wanting to be rude and tell him to get on with it. He knew Seb had been through a tougher time with his comeback to racing after his accident than he'd let on publicly. Dan hoped it wasn't anything to do with that.

Seb released a little laugh thinking he ought to be getting better at this, then decided just to blurt it out.

“Mark and I got married.”

Daniel swallowed his hot coffee in one sudden gulp, then choked, slapping his chest to clear his throat, making Seb laugh again.

“Sorry, I um, wow. Blimey mate that's brilliant,” Dan recovered.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah course. Ha, I did not guess that was what you were going to tell me.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'm getting a lot of that.”

“So you've been telling people?”

“Ah, only Christian and Britta here so far, so as I say, if you could keep it to yourself for a bit?”

Daniel nodded.

“Sure.”

“I'm trying to find ways to tell people, but...”

“It's fine. Your business mate,” Daniel assured him.

“It's just a bit tricky. I'm trying to make sure I've spoken to all the people I need to before next week.”

“Testing you mean?”

“Yeah. I'm still not quite sure what we're doing about it, but one way or another we'll just...”

Sebastian shrugged and Dan laughed.

“Spill the beans?” he suggested.

“Yeah,” smiled Seb, “something like that. I'd better anyway seeing as I'm not sure whether the paperwork will have gone though to the FIA yet and once it has, I won't need to go telling anyone.”

“Paperwork?”

“For changing my name on my racing licence.” Sebastian saw the blank look on his team-mate's face and smiled. “It's Vettel-Webber now you see.”

 

Daniel's eyes popped wide and he burst out guffawing so loudly that the few other occupants of the canteen looked over, wondering what was so funny. Dan clapped a hand over his mouth and leaned in, removing his hand to show the widest grin.

“Bloody hell that's... Ha. Sorry mate, but crikey, that's gonna set the cat among the pigeons.”

“Yeah we know, but...” Sebastian shrugged. “They'll get used to it.”

“Mm.”

Dan gave him an amused flick of his eyebrows and Seb laughed, both of them knowing it wasn't going to be quite that simple.

“I know the media are going to go a bit nuts again,” Seb acknowledged.

“Ah fuck 'em,” grinned Daniel. “It's great news. When did you do that then?”

“Just a few weeks ago, then we went away on honeymoon.”

Dan beamed impossibly wider.

“Had a good time did we?” he teased.

Seb gave him a beautific smile in reply.

“We went skiing since you ask.”

Dan flicked his eyebrows suggestively and Sebastian laughed.

“Yeah that'll be the sort of thing we're definitely not talking to the media about.”

“I'm sure. Righto mate, no worries. I'll keep it under my hat till you tell me otherwise.”

“Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

“Although seeing as my invite to the wedding seems to have got lost in the post I'm not sure why I'm being so nice to you,” teased Daniel.

“Ah no it was really small. We really just wanted it quiet, no fuss,” Seb justified.

“I'm winding you up mate. It's fine, that makes sense. Bet you're sick of everyone making a ruckus about everything.”

“God yeah.”

“Well good luck with that.”

Daniel smiled and finished his coffee. Seb did the same, reflecting that his team-mate was unfortunately bound to be right; No such thing as a quiet life in the F1 paddock.

  
  


  
  


  
  


When Seb got home it was to find that Mark naturally hadn't actually fed his lunch to the dogs, so they sat at the kitchen table while Seb ate and Mark drank coffee as they caught up. Mark informed him that he had rung his own team-mates to let them know and intended to call Fernando later.

“I suspect it'd be better in person, but I've got the feeling if we wait until we're in Spain it'll be too late,” Mark observed.

Sebastian put down his fork and nodded.

“I think you might be right. Guess I'd better call Lewis too.”

“Mm, okay then.” Mark puffed out a breath and shook his head. “Guess this is what happens when you keep secrets, letting them out is hellish complicated.”

“Yeah.”

Mark saw the look that crossed over Sebastian's face and realised he'd hit a nerve by putting that badly. He reached for Seb's hand and patted it.

“Come on, no worrying. You finish up and we can have a nice swim in a bit. Whaddya say mate?”

“Sure,” agreed Seb, thinking how good it was to have the pool at last. Everything else seemed to go away when he was in the water. No worrying about family, or the media or the team or how the new season was going to go. Best money they'd ever spent.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark sat in his study on the phone to his friend while Seb took the lounge to call Lewis. Mark had joked that the strategy was 'divide and conquer' and did certainly feel as if they were taking action, which was far better than fretting about how and when the media were going to find out and what they would do when they did.

Mark felt pretty bad he hadn't spoken to Fernando in quite some time. They'd exchanged the odd text and Christmas cards, but it really had been a while.

“So you will be in Barcelona next week when we are testing?” checked Fernando.

“Yeah mate. We'll have to have a proper sit down catch up,” Mark agreed.

“I am sure you will find a time when Sebastian is working.”

Mark smiled to himself, unable to deny that was how it worked.

“I will, I promise. It'll be really good to see you.”

“Indeed.”

“And frankly mate I'd be having this conversation then, but I thought it'd be best to get out ahead.”

“What do you mean?” frowned Fernando.

“I'd feel bad if you heard second-hand you see. You know how news has a way of travelling.”

“I do. So you have news then?”

“Yeah...” Mark huffed a little laugh. “I suppose this must still all seem pretty strange to you; Seb and me I mean.”

“No no, not so strange, not any more my friend. I am happy if you are happy.”

Mark smiled to himself.

“Thanks. Be nice if everyone took that attitude.”

“So you have something to tell me?” prompted Fernando.

“Ah, yes... Well, just a little business of us getting married.”

“You and Sebastian are getting married?” Fernando gasped.

“Oh ha,” laughed Mark, “no I said that wrong. We've got married.”

“Oh.”

 

There was a long pause while each of them tried to think what to say next. Mark smiled as he suspected his friend's cool persona had slipped for a moment.

“Guess this bit at least must seem strange,” Mark offered.

Fernando laughed down the phone.

“Ah perhaps it should not, but it does just a little,” he admitted. “But of course that is good news. You have made the most of the break it seems.”

Mark smiled, thinking that was certainly true.

“Yeah mate. Think it's about the best winter I've ever had.”

“Good. You sound happy. I hope Sebastian is likewise. Is he there?”

“Oh um he's in the other room.”

“I will have to give my congratulation in person next week then.”

“Yeah. Thanks mate that's very kind of you.”

“Of course.”

“You've been a good friend to us. I know Seb's still a competitor and all that, but when things have got tough, support goes a long way,” thanked Mark, thinking of all the times Fernando had helped with what might seem little matters like sticking with Seb in drivers' briefings and when he spoke to the media. He hoped his friend understood how much those things were appreciated.

“It is no problem.”

“You know I'd do the same for you,” offered Mark.

Fernando let out a laugh.

“Forgive me Mark, but I hope you never have to. I am quite happy without any additional drama in my life.”

Mark puffed out a long breath.

“Yeah mate, I hear ya.”

 

He sincerely hoped they weren't about to add yet more drama to their own lives. Mark finished up the conversation with more promises that he would find time to see Fernando, then went through to the lounge to see if Sebastian had finished up his own call. He found Seb sat with the dogs on the sofa. Mark tsk'd and shooed them off so he could take their place, sitting down and giving Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Take it it went well then?” checked Sebastian.

“Course. I notice these guys stuck with you.”

Seb smiled and reached down to give the dogs now at their feet a rub.

“Yeah well I've got the fire in here haven't I? They're not stupid.”

Mark smiled and gave them a rub too.

“True. Anyway. How was Lewis?”

“Fine.”

“And you told him?”

“Yep.”

“And it was alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah fine, although he spent about five minutes laughing about how confusing it would be if we were both still in F1.”

“Hm?”

“Same name on the board.”

“Ah, yeah that would be confusing. Good job I'm not then, eh?”

“Guess so. Anyway yeah he said to say congratulations and promised faithfully not to tweet about it.”

“Ha, I didn't even ask Fernando about that. Sure it'll be fine though.”

“Yeah. I really don't think they would say anything. They never have before. Jenson either.”

“True. Nando gives his best wishes too.”

Sebastian laughed and leaned into him.

“You're doing it now.”

“Doing what?” frowned Mark.

“Calling him Nando.”

“Oh dear. You're a bad influence.”

Sebastian grinned, knowing that Mark was only teasing.

“Better not do that in person or he'll know what a bad affect you're having on me,” continued Mark.

Seb pouted at him and Mark smiled and put his arm around him to give him a squeeze so he knew it was really only a joke.

“Few more crossed off our list,” Mark noted.

“Yeah, that's good. We're getting there aren't we?”

“Yeah we are. All gonna be fine sweetheart.”

Sebastian nodded, then rested his head down against Mark's shoulder looking over at the fire burning in the hearth. It was still miserable outside. He hoped that the weather would be better in Spain when they got there. The time for testing and the effective start of the racing year was approaching ever faster, no way of stopping it. It would be good to get in the car and see how the developments he had tried at the factory worked when it wasn't just theoretical, but somewhere in amongst all that, Seb knew matters outside of racing were going to crop up again. He felt the way Mark held him in and knew that he'd find a way to handle it, just so long as Mark was with him.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


  
  


All too soon they were packing bags once more, catching flights, checking into a hotel room and arriving at the paddock in Barcelona. All the teams were in the garages and finishing setting up the day before testing to be sure everything was ready, just as they always did. Sebastian had intended he'd talk to his guys a few days earlier when they were back at the factory, but everything had been so hectic as they rushed through the last of the preparations that he simply couldn't seem to find a moment when everyone was free to talk to them. So it was that on Sunday evening Seb was hanging about in the garage while they finished up, looking to Mark wondering how he did this. He didn't want to make it into some grand announcement, but at the same time he could hardly go from person to person around the garage.

Sebastian was about to try to ask if his mechanics had a moment for him to speak to them when Helmut Marko came over from where he'd been talking to Christian to stand with them. He nodded at Mark then Sebastian.

“I suppose I should be offering my congratulations,” he stated abruptly.

Mark set his jaw at the way he said that so grudgingly, but Seb was too worried about whether anyone around them had just overheard him.

“Thanks,” Sebastian replied evenly, hoping that they could escape the conversation quickly.

“Of course we would prefer that the revelation does not distract from the publicity for the launch of the new car,” noted Dr. Marko.

“Right.”

Seb glanced to Mark, seeing how annoyed he was at his former boss's attitude.

“I'm sure you don't need to worry about the amount of publicity you get,” observed Mark dryly.

He noticed that Christian was busy talking to Britta now and suspected that the same subject was also on their lips. From the far side of the garage Christian spotted the group stood together and recognised the expression on Mark's face of old. He and RedBull's chief advisor had never seen eye to eye and Christian suspected that would never change. He crossed the garage to join them, putting his hand on Mark's arm.

“Mark. Glad you could be here.”

Mark turned his attention to Christian, thinking it rather odd he was saying that when they had already spoken earlier.

“Oh, sure.”

“I was just saying we were hoping there will not be too many distractions,” repeated Helmut.

Christian hid a sigh. He'd just had this conversation with him, reminding Helmut that they couldn't expect a driver to have no life outside of the garage and that it was not Sebastian's fault that the media found his private life so fascinating.

“We will all be fully-focused on our work,” stated Christian firmly, catching the look in Seb's eye that appealed for help. He turned and beckoned Britta over.

“Britta. Perhaps you'd be so good as to show Helmut where we'll be holding our press conference tomorrow and talk him through the plan for the car launch? Then you can appraise Britta of any concerns you have Helmut.”

Dr. Marko looked slightly thrown by that, but Britta leapt in, guessing what Christian was up to from their discussions.

“Absolutely. If you'd like to come with me? I'd value any advice you might have.”

 

She swept him off out of the garage before Helmut had time to protest and Christian smiled at the pair.

“Alright?” he checked.

Mark gave him a look which Christian did his best not to laugh at. He fully expected Mark to be as regular a resident of the garage this coming season as he had been the year before, if not more so, and starting it off by telling Helmut to go fuck himself as Mark clearly wanted to, wouldn't be the best way to begin.

Sebastian slipped his arm around Mark's waist and gave his boss a grateful smile.

“Fine.”

“Are you heading back to the hotel?” asked Christian. “You know we've got an extra early start in the morning.”

Seeing as they had the media launch first thing at eight am, followed by a full day of testing and a press conference after that, Seb had a busy time ahead and Christian wanted him in good shape to cope with it all.

“Um sure.”

Seb glanced around seeing the garage was quieter now as everyone was finishing up, wanting an early night themselves. He looked to his boss.

“I was just thinking... before the press all pitch up tomorrow. I mean you know I've not had chance to speak to the guys yet. Do you think it would be a good time?”

Christian nodded, then turned to the garage and cleared his throat.

“Um, guys if I could have your attention for a moment?”

Sebastian turned to Mark, slightly horrified that his boss had decided he wanted to tell everyone all at once. Mark smiled and shrugged, then leaned in to whisper in his ear.

“No avoiding it now darling.”

Seb let out a nervous little laugh, knowing he'd been putting it off and off. Mark was right, they couldn't do that any longer. He took a deep breath and looked out to the team who had gathered over by where they stood near the rear of the garage. Dan was there towards the back having been stood chatting with his engineers. As Seb saw his team-mate's usual grin go wider than ever he knew he was taking all this far too seriously and looked back to his guys and the rest who were stood waiting. It was his team, they were on his side.

 

“Um, so yeah,” Seb glanced to Mark, then carried on, “I just, _we_ just that is, we wanted to let you know that this year we're going to need to change the name above the garage slightly.”

He received an array of confused faces in reply, so Sebastian smiled and spelt it out.

“It's Vettel-Webber now you see. We got married.”

There was a silence, then from over on the side one of the team sighed loudly.

“Bloody hell. I just finished putting the name decals on the side of your car.”

 

The whole garage broke into laughter and Seb relaxed, laughing with them as Mark put his arm around his shoulder and gave him a squeeze before people started coming up to give their congratulations and make their own little jokes to tease them. Mark let Seb go and chatted with the team, many of whom had been on his side of the garage back in the day. Daniel came up and gave them both a hug, joking that Sebastian now counted as an Aussie by marriage, Mark smiling and commenting in reply that he wished Dan luck persuading Seb that he ought to have a different anthem played on the podium.

“I'm in enough trouble with my family as it is,” added Seb.

“Guess not then.”

“Sorry Dan, nice try,” Mark smiled.

As the hubbub settled Christian cleared his throat again.

“So um guys, big day tomorrow and I think we're all set. Thank you for all your hard work so far. Oh and I'm sure it goes without saying that media will be swarming all over the place and this little bit of additional news is a private matter.”

Sebastian felt both awkward at his boss saying that on his behalf to save him the delicate task of asking them to keep their mouths shut, and at the same time was grateful he had done so. Seb still didn't quite know how he was meant to spill the news more widely. He was mulling it over when his mechanic Mike came over, slapping him on the arm again and laughing.

“You know I noticed the ring, but you've not got it on your left hand.”

“Oh, ha, yeah that's just how we do it in Germany,” Seb explained.

“Really? Huh. You learn something new every day. Well there you go.”

“I'm sorry I didn't say earlier. It felt a bit... I don't know, strange, having to announce it.”

“I'm sure. Ah well. Cat's out of the bag now.”

“Mm.”

His mechanic smiled at his reticence, guessing what it was about.

“Ah don't worry about the press.”

Seb gave him a look.

“You don't think they'll leap all over it?”

Mike laughed.

“I think they'll wet themselves with excitement, but they don't get out much that lot.”

Sebastian laughed despite himself.

“Oh god.”

“Sorry, but you know how it is,” shrugged Mike.

“Yeah.”

Seb sighed and Mike patted his arm again.

“Let them have their fun,” he advised, “what does it matter in the end?”

“Spose so, yeah...”

Sebastian nodded as he thought about it. What _did_ the press matter in the end? Mark was with him, his team supported him, his family and friends were on their side too. The media could say what they wanted. It wouldn't make any difference to any of them.

 

Mark stepped over from where he'd been speaking to one of his old mechanics.

“You wanting to get going?”

“Sure,” Seb concurred.

Mike grinned and gave them a wink.

“Early night for the newly-weds?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“I hate to disappoint you, but seeing as we've got to be back here before seven tomorrow morning, an early night actually means an early night.”

“Ha, you think that's bad, we'll be here long before that,” complained the mechanic good-naturedly.

“We'll all need some kip then,” advised Mark, before nodding to Seb. “Come on, let's scarper while the going's good.”

Seb nodded and they made their excuses. As he said goodnight to Christian he asked him to thank Britta when he saw her.

“I think I owe her a drink,” noted Christian.

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“I'm the one who owes her a drink.”

“I'll say it's from you then,” Christian agreed. “Right, well you get on and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark spent most of Monday watching from the sidelines. Watching as Sebastian smiled for the assembled massed cameras in the pitlane in front of the garage as the team officially launched their new car first thing ahead of the official start of testing. Dan and Seb unveiled it from its covers to show it off to the world and then sat posing on the car, smiling and saying a few polite PR lines about how excited they were to get going this year. The RedBull media team kept the event closely monitored and all questions were safely restricted for the afternoon's press conference.

That was where they stood now. Mark had spent the rest of the day in the garage, following the familiar practice of hanging around listening on his headphones as Seb went through the steps asked of him by the team. Thankfully the day's testing had gone reasonably well. A few hitches here and there as he was called in several times to the garage to tweak settings and to try additions that the engineers measured to see if they helped or hindered performance, but generally not too bad. Certainly there hadn't been the disasterous session a few of the teams had suffered with cars breaking down, or in one case failing to even get out of the garage. Going around and around the track all day wasn't the most scintilating of activities, Mark knew only too well from personal experience, but so long as Seb did it safely he would take that.

They'd not had a lot of time for themselves, only getting a rushed lunch back at base, but Mark hadn't expected anything different. His job was to be here for Seb, so that was what he was doing. Right now he stood with Seb in a little ante-room just off the large room at the circuit that the team were using for their press conference. Christian was out there now, being quizzed by the media sat in serried rows as usual, asking their questions in turn.

Sebastian wasn't listening too closely to what was being said. He was thinking about the conversation he and Mark had just had with Britta as they walked over in which she had told him she had arranged a quick interview for late tomorrow with one of the tamer journalists to whom she owed some favours for his good behaviour last year. Her advice was that Seb just throw their news into conversation to get it out there. Then at least it was dealt with before they conveniently scooted off home again for the week before coming back for the second session of testing, by which time with any luck, the media ought to have got their excitement at the news out of their system.

 

She turned to him now.

“All set then?”

Sebastian pulled himself back, realising that Christian had finished his part of the conference.

“Hm? Oh sure.”

“Great.”

Britta nodded to Daniel's assistant and the two of them went to get the microphones sorted out and move an extra stool in place in front of the RedBull backdrop at the front of their make-do little stage ready for the next part of the press conference to begin.

Mark gave Seb a quick hug.

“This should be straight-forward enough right?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yep. All the usual stuff: Looking forward to the new season, nice shiny car, unexciting day of testing. Easy enough.”

“Good. You'll be fine then.”

Dan came over.

“I think we're being waved at mate.”

“Oh right.”

Seb looked out and saw Britta signalling for them to come out. He smoothed down his brand new team kit and set his shoulders back. Time to face them again.

  
  


At first the session passed as expected; the journalists asking their prepared questions and Seb and Dan giving their prepared answers. All fairly standard and fairly boring. Mark watched through the open door to the side, out of sight of all bar the main participants. He knew Sebastian didn't really need him present when he could do this sort of thing standing on his head, but while he could be there to support him, Mark wanted to make the most of the opportunity to do so.

There was something of a back to school atmosphere, everyone just a little over-excited to be there and people still fitting back into their usual roles. So far there had been relatively few off-topic questions, only one person asking how they'd enjoyed the break, allowing both Sebastian and Daniel to say that they had made the most of their time off. Dan telling them a funny story about watching the cricket at home and Seb commenting that despite living in England now, he still had no clue about that sport. Dan swivelled on his stool to grin at his team-mate.

“Even now you and Mark...” he stopped himself, “I mean, you've not picked that up yet?”

“Not so far. I was trying to learning a bit more about rugby while I was over there.”

“Oh so you were in Australia?” asked the journalist.

“Yeah we went to visit family. We were all over the place during the break actually; Australia, Germany, America and England at various points.”

“You've been very busy haven't you?” joshed Daniel.

Sebastian gave him a smile and nodded.

“So did the two of you see each other much?” asked the journalist.

“Me and Dan?”

“Yeah.”

Seb looked at his team-mate.

“Um, only now and again at the factory in Milton Keynes.”

“Not in Australia?”

Daniel laughed. “Big place mate. Perth's a hell of a long way from Canberra.”

“How far do you reckon?” asked Seb conversationally, as if it was just the two of them chatting.

“Bout two and a half thousand miles.”

Sebastian laughed and looked out to the crowd.

“Bit far to pop round to say hello.”

 

The media representatives laughed and out of view Mark smiled to himself to see the drivers working the crowd. He didn't know why Helmut was so grumpy when he had the two of them promoting the brand for all they were worth today.

Sebastian looked back at the reporter.

“I actually had the chance to get out into the countryside a bit while I was out in Australia which was wonderful.”

“You've not before?”

“Nope. Never had the chance until now, so that was really great. We've had some fantastic experiences during the break.”

“You and Dan?”

Both Dan and Seb laughed.

“Um, no I wasn't referring to him, although I'm sure Daniel had a lovely time as well.”

“I did,” Daniel agreed. “Though not with those two. I think I might have rather cramped their style if I'd moseyed on up during their holidays.”

Sebastian smiled as the crowd laughed.

“Might have been a little awkward,” he agreed quietly under cover of the laughter ringing around the room, getting a grin from Daniel who seemed to be enjoying himself.

 

There were a couple more innocuous questions about how they were looking forward to racing again, then another reporter addressed Sebastian.

“I notice you're wearing something new.”

“That's very observant of you. Do you like our new kit? Dan's wearing it too of course,” responded Seb.

“Hey, how come Seb gets all the praise?” interceded Daniel, pretending to be offended. “I mean I try to look nice for you guys and Seb's the one you notice?”

“Ha, no I wasn't referring to your kit,” replied the reporter, “no it was Seb I meant specifically. I noticed it this morning at the launch.”

“Oh?”

Seb frowned, thinking he'd been wearing his race-suit, which, though technically new, was nothing to remark apon. He'd been holding his helmet. Did the man mean that? The design was only tweaked a little from the year before.

“Mm,” continued the reporter, “I thought I was imagining it, but I checked the photos from this morning and I saw that you're wearing a new ring.”

 

Sebastian looked at his hand where the ring sat now. His wedding ring. He'd only taken it off for when he was actually going to be driving the car, leaving it in Mark's safekeeping and putting it back on as soon as he could again afterwards. His finger felt naked without it there these days. Seb knew that every eye in the room was now staring at it now. He glanced sideways to see Mark who could only shrug helplessly, unable to do anything to help Seb.

Seb turned back to the front deciding that he just had to forge on, not let this become a bigger than it needed to be. It might be awkward talking to the media about this, but he certainly wasn't going to lie.

“Did you?” Seb nodded, “well, yes it is still reasonably new.”

“Hmm, Yeah, so I was wondering if it had any particular significance.”

Sebastian merely gave him an enigmatic smile.

“You could say that.”

The journalist smiled back, then decided to push his luck.

“It's not an _engagement_ ring is it?” he teased.

“Nope,” replied Seb lightly.

 

The roomful of media laughed at his bluntness and Sebastian regarded them all, then gave Mark another quick look where he stood out of sight of the rest. Mark opened out his hands and Seb knew he was saying it was up to him. He gave him a fractional nod and looked back out at the crowd, avoiding Britta's mildly panicked stare. Seb smiled to himself thinking he'd been worrying about this far too much for far too long. Fuck worrying, fuck big announcements he'd only stress over, fuck Helmut and his publicity concerns. Fuck it.

Daniel to his side saw the dangerous glint in Seb's eye and knew just as Mark did and Britta and even Christian at the back had realised what Sebastian was about to do.

Seb waited for the crowd to quiet, then paused for just another deadpan moment, before calmly stating.

“It's a wedding ring.”

 

A stunned silence echoed around the large room, broken only by Sebastian beginning to laugh as he thought that this was surely the best joke he'd ever told in one of these conferences. The joke was on them of course. He'd pulled a fast one on the media. For once he had the upper hand and revealed his own breaking news before they had a chance to delve into his life to find out. Suddenly Sebastian didn't care if the whole world knew. He wanted them to know. He wanted everyone to know that he and Mark were married and happy and they didn't give a shit what anyone outside those closest to them thought about it.

He caught Dan's eye and saw him shake his head in amusement, then lean in to whisper.

“Bloody hell, you've done it now.”

Sebastian nodded. He really had. Sod it, he didn't care. He calmed down and looked at the reporter who still appeared amazed at the revelation.

“Um, you, I... You are serious aren't you?” checked the journalist, wondering whether Sebastian might just be winding them up.

“Never been more serious about anything,” Seb confirmed steadily.

Everyone was still staring at him and Sebastian could do nothing but smile. This was actually far easier than he'd anticipated. At the far end of the room he noticed that Christian stood behind all the rows of media had dropped his head into his hands, but as he lifted up again Seb saw his boss sigh and shake his head and Seb was certain an expression of resigned amusement settled on his face.

 

The reporter was bravely ploughing on while everyone around him tried to compute the news.

“I'm sorry, you're saying you and Mark got married?” he asked, wanting to be certain.

“Well I wasn't going to marry anyone else,” smiled Seb.

He looked over to the side again and shot Mark a little wink causing Mark to fall about laughing out of sight of everyone else.

“When?” let out the reporter, still sounding taken aback.

“About a month ago. Right. Now then, we've got this lovely shiny new car to talk about. Anyone want to ask me something about it?”

Sebastian looked out expectantly to the crowd who suddenly exploded with questions, precisely none of which were about the new car.

 

Britta took over again, marshalling the questions and rejecting some out of hand when they got too personal. Seb answered a few, but only very vaguely to confirm that yes they were indeed _really_ married and had done so in England near where they lived, that yes their families were happy for them and their friends too and yes their teams and anyone else who needed to know already knew and the fact they hadn't told the media was because it was private family business. The only specific question Seb chose to answer in full was one from Ted near the back who took a punt and asked whether he thought this would have any impact on his racing this year.

Seb puffed a breath, wondering if a straight racing driver who got married would get the same question, but then he supposed Lewis had got many questions on his relationships over the years, so he shrugged.

“Well I'm happy. I'd hope that would help just generally.”

“And Mark will be supporting you at races?”

“As he did last year and before that, as he is right now.”

“Sure, sure. So it's no change then?” pressed Ted.

“As I say, we're very happy. It's nice to be married, so I guess that's new, other than that...”

Seb shrugged.

“Business as usual?” Ted offered.

“Yeah. Oh apart from my surname. You'll have to get used to Vettel-Webber from now on.”

 

Sebastian tried not to smirk as jaws dropped, including Ted's who could think of no follow-up to that. Once they'd recovered themselves the occupants of the room all shot their hands up again to ask more questions. Seb looked out at them all, then spoke into his mic.

“These are all about the car, right?”

Dan smiled at the audience, then Seb, before enquiring with a grin on his face.

“Shall I just leave?”

Seb reached out and put a hand on his arm.

“No, no, you're staying. I'm sure you've all got lots of questions for Dan, right?”

The forest of arms sank and Daniel shook his head with mock sadness.

“I'm not feeling the love here guys.”

“You're still special,” assured Seb.

“Thanks mate. Mark'll be jealous.”

“He really won't.”

“Gutted,” grinned Daniel, looking nothing of the kind.

 

Britta attempted to wrest control back, so she stepped forwards a little.

“Okay, anyone got a question that _isn't_ of a personal nature?”

There was a pause, then Lee towards the back put up her hand.

“Is this for Dan or Seb?”

“Seb. Sorry Daniel,” apologised Lee.

Dan gave a sad shake of his head, but waved her on.

“Yeah so um, well it's not really a question,” Lee continued. “I just wanted to say congratulations Seb, seeing as everyone else seems to have forgotten to.”

Sebastian smiled at her.

“Thank you Lee, very kind.”

“To Mark too of course.”

“I'll let him know.”

Sebastian glanced sideways to Mark who merely gave him a flick of his eyebrows and a shake of his head at the madness of it all. In the room there was a rumble as several others guiltily remembered to offer their own congratulations.

 

 

Shortly afterwards Britta looked to her colleagues and decided to pull the plug, consoling herself that at least they'd got most of the questions about the new car in first, although she wasn't naïve enough to imagine that this would feature in any of the headlines tomorrow. She rounded up and let Daniel and Sebastian escape, then went into the side room after them leaving the main conference room burbling with excited discussions about only one topic.

Seb walked straight into an enveloping hug from Mark leaving Britta to wait at the side.

“Ah bloody hell,” smiled Mark as he let him go. “Guess that's one way to do it.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“These things are usually so dull. Just thought I'd spice proceedings up a bit.”

“You certainly did that,” came a voice.

Seb and Mark turned to see Christian had reached them. Sebastian looked a little more contrite.

“Um yeah.”

“Ah well,” shrugged his boss.

“At least Helmut will have got all that publicity he was fretting about,” noted Mark.

Christian laughed. “I fear this is precisely what he meant about distractions, but never mind. I guess he did rather ask for that.”

“I didn't plan it,” justified Seb.

“No I know. Don't worry about it Sebi, it's fine. You might want to give Dietrich a quick ring though.”

“Ah. Am I in trouble?”

“No no. I'll ring him first, smooth the way,” assured Christian. “I'm sure he'll be happy to see RedBull plastered all over the papers again.”

“It's a positive story,” insisted Britta firmly. “We've got this, don't worry.”

“Guess you can cancel that interview,” suggested Sebastian.

Britta laughed and shook her head.

“No you don't get out of it that easily. We agreed it, so you can do it. If you don't want to talk about personal stuff that's your prerogative, but I think you should go ahead. Prove the point that nothing's changed.”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Yeah alright, fair enough. Sorry if I've given you a headache.”

Britta shook her head. As headaches with Seb went, this was definitely a minor one.

“Start as we mean to go on, at the top of the billing,” she proposed. “Now then if it's okay with you Christian I think they should clear out of here before that lot work out where the back door to this place is.”

“Go ahead,” agreed Christian. “I'll finish here and catch you up at the hotel.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thanks Christian,” echoed Mark, then looked to Seb by his side. “Come on sweetheart let's do a runner before the mob turn up.”

Sebastian nodded and only took enough time to say goodbye and thanks to Dan before the pair of them made a rapid exit. Britta checked they would be okay on their own getting out of there while she unruffled some feathers with her media contacts. She stood watching to make sure that their way was clear as Mark and Sebastian headed off down the paddock hand-in-hand, aiming straight for the exit while the press were still busy clearing out of the conference room at the other side and waiting at the main entrance where they expected everyone else to go through on their way out. By the time they worked out their mistake, Mark and Seb would be way ahead of them. Britta smiled and shook her head thinking that in many ways Seb was right, nothing had changed.

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there you go, as they said; cat's out of the bag now.


	123. Old and New

* * *

  
  


 

Mark and Sebastian sat drinking coffee late in the morning on the Wednesday the week after the news of their marriage had gone public. They'd avoided all the papers and the television news in the aftermath, trusting Britta to keep an eye on it and tell them if there was anything they genuinely needed to know about. Thankfully when Mark had rung his boss at Porsche, Andreas had assured him that their PR team would be looking at it, but he didn't have any major worries seeing as from their point of view it was merely a confirmation of a relationship everyone already knew about. Mark wasn't one hundred percent sure his boss wasn't playing down any concerns they might have, but at least it was reassuring to hear.

Mark knew he'd just have to see how things were when he was next back working. The actual race team ought to be fine he was sure. Mark's team-mates had offered congratulations when he'd told them, he only wished he'd had the chance to speak to more of the team in person as Seb had. It couldn't be helped though and there was no point worrying himself in circles about it. He had his new contract and there was no reason to suspect that the car wouldn't be as dominant as it had the year before. He'd just have to work hard on getting the results Porsche wanted to keep them sweet. Of course Mark knew that for him it was easier anyway seeing as he officially had no press to face until he was back racing and seeing as that wasn't until mid-April, surely the story would have faded in interest by then. Mark signed off talking to his boss by offering to do any publicity they asked of him, though he wasn't sure that publicity was the problem. Maybe it was just best to try to keep his head down for a while and just hope for the best?

 

For now they were trying to make sure they had a nice relaxed morning, leaving plenty of time to get to the airport to fly back out to Spain for the last part of Seb's testing on the Thursday, Friday. This way they should have no rush checking their bags and going through security, arriving in Barcelona in the late afternoon with plenty of time to get to their hotel and settle in ready for heading to the circuit again early the next morning. It was a simple plan, but Mark was trying to make sure everything remained extra calm after previous week when Sebastian's revelation in the press conference had made the following day rather fraught. Everything in the garage was fine, but the moment they stepped into the paddock they were pounced on by the media who seemed desperate to ask endless questions about their marriage.

Britta had told every single one of her press contacts that Seb was there to discuss his work, not his personal life, but she knew that every reporter was getting pressure from their editors to give them more on the story that had exploded the day before. So she was back to doing what Britta had spent much of the year before doing; shepherding her charge through the crowds, sending her firmest glares their way as she told the paddock press that Sebastian wasn't taking any questions right now. Even during the official media huddles at the end of the day when Britta had opened the session by reminding them of the subjects to be covered, many of the journalists still tried to find a way to weave in questions on Seb getting married.

She had been busy working from the moment Sebastian had made his impromptu announcement the day before, working all her relationships with the media to try to mould their response, but despite her attempts to reign them in, the tabloids had got predictably over-excited and on the Tuesday morning she was up at the crack of dawn to go through them all, reading the headlines:

_**FORMER RACING RIVALS' SECRET MARRIAGE** _

_**VETTEL-WEBBER: A 1,2, FOR RACING PAIR** _

_**F1 SURVIVOR COMPLETES COMEBACK WITH SHOCK WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT** _

_**Once Enemies, Now Married. The Journey To Become Vettel-Webber, more inside...** _

_**EX-TEAMMATES STUN RACING WORLD ONCE MORE BY TYING KNOT** _

_**SEB MAKES MARK HIS NO 1 HUSBAND** _

_**F1 Hero Weds The Man He Calls His Best Supporter** _

_**RACING WORLD'S FIRST PLACED COUPLE: VETTEL-WEBBER** _

Britta mostly rolled her eyes at it all. There was an extent to which you simply had to let the media get it out of their system, then move on as they were sure to do once the initial excitement wore off. She checked for any inaccuracies she could pick up on, but beyond that there wasn't much you could do other than choose to ignore it.

 

Sebastian had taken her advice and decided to point blank refuse to talk about it. He knew that it was going to annoy the media, but Britta told him that if he didn't want to discuss it then between them they needed to show them that he wouldn't be baited. That way, in theory at least, the press ought to learn that they were wasting their time and give up trying. Seb knew that made him look uptight and being stand-offish and unfriendly wasn't his way, but he was sick of being ambushed. As they'd sat talking about it, safe in the RedBull base away from prying eyes and ears, Britta had done her best to sound positive.

“Look Seb it's going to be fine. I'll be there ahead of you next week and I'll sit them down again and give them the hard line.”

Sebastian nodded tightly and Mark could read the tension in him.

“Your way or the high way, right?” Mark tried.

“Absolutely,” Britta agreed solidly. She gave Seb a smile. “They're just a bit whipped up about it now. They'll have calmed down next week, then by the time we get out to Melbourne and the season starts for real it'll be fine.”

“Yeah okay,” Seb agreed, sounding less than convinced.

“I actually think this is good,” suggested Britta, trying to keep Seb positive. “This way they've got it out of their system before we really get down to racing.”

Sebastian nodded again, hoping that was true. He'd really been thinking that he'd been done with all that press craziness this year, but after making a sharp exit the day before, Tuesday had been distinctly less than fun.

  
  


He hated that feeling of crowds pressing in on him, the lack of control he felt as questions were shouted despite Britta's best efforts to calm them down. It made Seb anxious as soon as he walked towards the back of the garage and heard the hum of conversation outside, telling him that the pack were out there waiting. When they were just heading back to the base for lunch he could at least legitimately ignore everyone and with both Britta and Mark there to guide him through Seb felt more protected, but at official media sessions that wasn't possible.

It wasn't even as if the entirety of the in-season paddock press were present, but those who were there seemed to trail him whenever possible and the actual official press huddle at the end of Tuesday was a deeply unpleasant experience: His name being shouted constantly and so many recording devices and cameras shoved in his face Seb felt as though he was being pushed further and further back into the RedBull backdrop.

“Seb, how does it feel to be the focus of so much attention?”

Sebastian had one hand balled up by his side and he squeezed it tighter, pushing a nail into his palm to distract him. What the hell did they ever expect in response to that question?

_'_ _Yeah it's awesome. I love people questioning my right to be happy like anyone else, wouldn't you?'_

He looked out levelly and answered.

“I've been focussed on testing. That is why we're here after all.”

“Seb!”

“Seb!”

“Seb!”

Mark by his side glaring at them. Mark putting his arm around him. Mark telling the lot of them to fuck off.

Mark wasn't there of course. Not in person. In spirit at least Seb took comfort from imagining all those things and remembering that as soon as this was done he would be back with him and then tonight they would be back home, thousands of miles from here. Peace, quiet, dogs, countryside, just the two of them.

Sebastian attempted a smile and let Britta distinguish a voice from the din to allow another question.

“Seb why did you keep your marriage a secret?”

Sebastian's eyes flicked up to the journalist, but he calmed himself, remembering that there was no way they could be referring to anything to do with the issues he had encountered with his family.

He guessed that, _'_ _b_ _ecause it's none of your damn business,_ ' wouldn't go down well, so Seb gave the most direct answer he could.

“Yesterday was the first time I'd seen you guys, so I'm not sure how it qualifies,” he stated, thinking his family might legitimately make that accusation, but not these guys.

“No personal questions,” intervened Britta firmly. “Now, anyone got a question related to what we're actually doing here this week?”

Sebastian saw twenty or thirty shoulders sag. It might not be kind, but he was glad to see it. He needed Britta to stand up to their bullying tactics or he knew he'd crumble and feel he had to find a way to answer what they asked. Doing that only left him feeling pushed around and as though he was making excuses. He didn't want to have to make excuses and justify getting married. There'd been enough of that already.

“Seb, has all this affected you on track?”

  
He looked out at the questioner, wondering how he classified that as not being a personal question. It was such a tired point that he'd heard so many times before, Seb was tempted to reply as he knew Mark would want to.

“No.”

The _'now why don't you fuck off?'_ was added silently in his head. Just a few more minutes then Britta would call time and he could leave. He just had to get through it. Seb knew he'd done this plenty of times before, he could survive it again.

  
  


  
  


Once back at base and reviewing the situation it always felt a bit better. Seb knew that was partly down to the fact that Mark was there.

“It's gonna be fine, alright sweetheart,” assured Mark.

“Yeah... yeah okay. Thanks for today Britta, I know it's been a bit mad,” Seb noted.

Britta shrugged, having grown used to this over the years.

“It's been worse hasn't it?” she suggested.

Seb huffed a dry little laugh.

“Guess so. I dunno, maybe it's just I'm out of practice.”

“Well we'll get things settled down next week and then you can have a think about the approach you want to take going forwards.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well this is pretty much just the hard-core paddock press. When we start the season you know there'll be more media at each race, local press, that kind of thing, and they tend to be, well, less interested in the technical side shall we say?”

“You mean they're not actually there for the racing?”

Britta smiled.

“I wouldn't go quite that far, but let's say they're more interested in personalities and frivolities surrounding all this.”

“Right.”

“But like I say, it's your call. If we go for a flat line; no personal stuff, then that's that.”

“Okay,” nodded Seb mulling it over.

He thought about all he'd been through the year before. He couldn't do that again, the twisting in his stomach as he entered the press pen, worrying about what they were going to ask next and how he would cope reacting in front of the world. Then again sometimes it had felt good to let go a little and feel as if he was really talking to the fans out there who were interested in the racer sat in the car. Wasn't there a balance he'd been trying for?

He puffed out a breath and glanced at Mark.

“Yeah I think maybe if it's alright, I might just have a bit of a think about it.”

“Course,” agreed Britta. “Why don't you take these few days and we can talk again when you get back?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark put his arm around him to add his approval.

“That sounds good. Gives you time then doesn't it?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian still seemed a little lost in himself so Mark gave his arm a rub.

“Come on sweetheart why don't we grab our stuff and head for the airport? We've got a whole week at home to talk about this if you want to.”

“Yeah okay.”

“You can always call me if you want to chat about it in the meantime,” added Britta.

“Yeah thanks. Okay I think we'll head off. Thanks again Britta.”

“It'll be fine Seb. We'll handle it.”

“Sure.”

  
  


  
  


 

They had talked about it plenty at home, and _not_ talked about it, as Seb and Mark spent their time training in their new pool and gym, clearing their heads with runs and bike rides and walks out with the dogs. Now they were due to go back Sebastian knew he had to face the media again and if they could at least have a strategy then he could feel as though he had some level of control over it all.

Seb drained his cup and turned to Mark.

“Okay so I think maybe if I just get Britta to say it's a flat no to any personal questions in the pen and all that, but maybe allow a bit when it's individual sit down interviews?”

Mark nodded.

“Like I say mate it's up to you. You should do what you feel comfortable with. Don't worry about making other people happy. You're in charge, okay?”

Seb squished his face a bit.

“No I know, but... I think just a bit, then I don't feel like I'm giving people the impression I'm ashamed to talk about it.”

“Who would think that?” challenged Mark.

“People,” shrugged Seb. “I dunno. I just don't want it to be like I'm completely uptight.”

Mark put his hand on top of Seb's as he looked at him.

“People can think what they want.”

“Yeah, but I think if we make it so Britta has to pre-approve in interviews what I'll talk about... I don't mean exact questions, just, like if I'm prepared to talk about personal stuff and what's off-limits.”

“Right,” nodded Mark. “Okay well that sounds fair. I'm sure Britta would agree.”

“Mm, and if she sets them straight now, before the season really starts, then they'd know that's how they have to go on.”

“Sounds good.”

“I mean I know not everyone will stick by it,” allowed Seb.

“Well Britta has ways of dealing with them doesn't she?”

 

Sebastian laughed and relaxed as he thought about that.

“Yeah she does I guess.”

“Exactly. I mean Britta's great, but I wouldn't mess with her,” noted Mark.

“Guess we should be glad she's on our side then,” smiled Seb.

“Absolutely darling. Right then. You can have a chat with her and settle all that when we get there.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian checked his watch feeling rather better about stepping into the breach once more. “Speaking of which hadn't we better get going?”

“Yep, let's crack on,” agreed Mark.

 

They went to tidy the kitchen, fed the dogs and collected up their belongings ready to go. They were just giving Shadow and Simba a goodbye rub when Seb's phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and walked over to the side to answer. It was his mother. She didn't normally call in the middle of the day, especially when she knew they were due to be travelling. He hoped it wasn't any trouble with the press. They had rung their families as soon as they'd left the paddock when Seb had gone public with their marriage and when he'd spoken to his parents they'd assured him they knew how to handle the press, but Sebastian always worried about them being hassled.

Mark stayed where he was, not wanting to intrude, but unable to stop himself overhearing as Sebastian spoke a few feet away.

“Hey Mum, everything okay? Uh huh... Oh my god.”

Mark leapt up from where he crouched with the dogs to go over to Seb, looking at him to see what was going on. Sebastian was too concentrated on the phone-call at first, but then he put his hand over the receiver for a moment.

“It's Stef.”

“Is she okay?” whispered Mark.

Sebastian nodded distractedly, still listening to his mother.

“So you're going now?” Seb asked his mother.

“Yes we're going to drive over and go to the hospital, just to be there.”

“But she's okay?”

At the other end of the phone conversation, Seb's mother smiled at him sounding so anxious.

“She's having a baby, people do this every day. She'll be fine.”

“It's early though.”

“Only a few days. You were early chick.”

“Was I?”

“Yes. Impatient from the off dear. Right, your dad is waving car keys and we need to go. I'll call you when I have news,” Heike promised.

“What about Fabe?”

“Your dad'll bob back and pick him up from school later,” his mother explained.

“Okay. You'll call from the hospital?”

“Yes of course, don't fret. You sound worse than Jan did when he rang.”

“Well I just...” Seb shrugged and puffed a breath. “Okay. Well we're flying out to Spain, so if you miss us.”

“I'll call back, or your father will.”

“Thanks Mum.” Sebastian looked to Mark. “Okay we've got to go too. Give our love to Stef won't you?”

“Of course we will,” smiled his mother. “Have a safe flight and we'll speak to you soon. Try not to worry about your sister.”

“Yeah alright.”

 

Seb hung up and puffed out another long breath.

“Stef's gone into labour,” he explained.

“So I gathered.”

“It's a bit early for her due date,” Seb frowned.

Mark gave his arm a rub.

“Only a little bit. A few days is neither here nor there nowadays.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“How did your mum sound?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Remarkably calm for Mum.”

Mark gave a tip of his head to the side.

“Way it goes sometimes. She'll be calm for your sister. It's easier when you're the one helping.”

“Mm.”

“She'll be fine darling. Ryan was born nearly two weeks early and both he and Leanne were absolutely fine.”

“Yep. Yep okay.” Seb shrugged. “I don't know why I'm worrying.”

Mark smiled.

“All new for you isn't it?”

“Spose.”

“Think yourself lucky. Your sister's the one with the stressful day ahead.”

“Yeah. Jan too.”

“Yeah, but they'll be okay. Did your mum say if they were at the hospital yet?”

“I think they were still on their way.”

“Right, well they'll look after them once they're there. Nothing to worry about.”

“Uh huh,” nodded Seb.

 

Mark shook his head and pulled Sebastian into a hug. He knew how much Stef meant to Seb. Of course he was concerned for her. As he let him go, Mark smiled at Seb.

“At least we can go see them soon enough. I was on the other side of the world from Leanne when I became an uncle for the first time.”

“Were you? That's a bit rubbish.”

“Yeah I'll say. Look, we'll go over as soon as we can.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I've got testing now though.”

Mark let out a little laugh.

“Don't take this the wrong way darling, but I don't think your sister would appreciate an audience right now. Give her a couple of days. We can visit at the weekend can't we?”

“Yeah. Yeah okay. I suppose we could go straight there from Spain couldn't we?”

“Sure.”

“If we go Saturday morning, do you think that would be okay?”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Fine by me. We can switch our flights while we're over there, come back via Germany.”

“Yeah, okay then.”

“Why don't we wait till your Mum calls, run it by her and she can check with Stef and Jan? Then if they approve we can sort it all out can't we?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark gave his arm another rub, seeing him still looking slightly concerned.

“Come on, let's get going.”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“Yeah. Thanks Liebling. Sorry. I know I'm being a bit irrational.”

Mark shook his head.

“You love your sister. Course you're worried for her, but it'll all be fine.”

“Yep. Okay then.”

Sebastian set his shoulders back, knowing he just had to wait for news. They said goodbye to the dogs, collected up their things from the hall and went out to the car to head for the airport, only a little later than they had intended.

  
  


  
  


Despite only being slightly behind their original schedule it did feel as if they were more stressed than usual and even when they were sat waiting in the lounge ready for their flight to be called Seb kept pulling his phone out to check it. The tenth or twelfth time Seb did this Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart they'll call when there's news.”

“I know, I was going to text Fabian, but I guess he has to have his phone off in school. Do you think I should ring Mum back?”

Mark smiled and shook his head, thinking that if they really were there at the hospital waiting, Sebastian would be a nightmare.

“I'd leave it a while. You know it can take a pretty long time, a day, even more,” he pointed out.

Seb pulled a face. He did know that in theory, but it was different now it seemed real.

“Christ, poor Stef.”

“I'll say. We'd better buy her something nice.”

“Yeah.” Seb frowned. “When are we going to do that?”

Mark shrugged.

“I suppose we can have a look online while we're out there, get it sent direct.”

“Mm.”

Mark smiled and shook his head, knowing what Seb was like about presents.

“Tell you what, why don't we have a shuftie round the shops here? We might see something?”

Seb checked the departures screen, then his watch.

“Yeah okay.”

  
  


They spent the next half hour wandering around the airport shops. Most of it seemed to be booze or fairly pointless souvenirs, but eventually they picked up an expensive gift-box of what Mark would still insist on calling smellies and as they were walking back over to the waiting lounge Seb spied something in another shop and dragged Mark in after him to emerge a few minutes later with a large fluffy bunny. As they resumed their seats and checked the board once more to be certain their flight hadn't been called, Mark shook his head and peered into the bag Sebastian was carrying.

“I think we're breaking the rule about one flight bag.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Surely not if we've just bought it here?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno.”

Seb huffed and pulled his flight bag forwards to see if there was any room in it. He fitted the gift-box of expensive toiletries inside, but there was no way anything else would go in. Mark laughed as Seb eyed at his bag instead.

“It's not gonna fit in there.”

“Hmm.”

“You'll have to carry it.”

A smile spread over Sebastian's face.

“Do you think they'll let me sit it on my knee or will we have to buy another ticket?”

Mark chuckled as Seb pulled the rabbit out from its bag and sat it on his lap.

“Hm, not quite big enough to require its own seat I reckon.”

He lifted the floppy ear of the bunny up from covering its face, looking at the toy and addressing it directly.

“You're not scared of flying are you?” Mark checked.

Sebastian laughed and gave the toy a hug.

“I'll look after you.”

Mark smiled and leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“You won't forget about me now will you?”

Seb leaned into him.

“No Liebling, you're still my favourite.”

“That is good to know.”

  
  


Eventually their flight flashed up on the departures board and they gathered up their things to make their way to the correct gate. Just as they started to make their way through the airport Sebastian's phone rang and he had to stop and put his belongings down in order to pull out his phone to answer it. Mark stood waiting as Sebastian spoke rapidly in German, trying to keep up with translating it in his head. Seb was asking lots of questions and still sounded concerned, but Mark didn't want to interrupt. The main thing he picked out was Sebastian repeatedly checking that his sister was okay.

After a few minutes Mark tried to get in Seb's eye-line. He didn't want to be so rude as to tap his watch, but time was ticking by and they had a fair way to trek to get to their gate. Sebastian caught his eye and nodded, holding up a finger to tell Mark he'd just be one more minute. Once he'd got final assurances from his mother and told her they'd let them know about arrangements for him and Mark coming over, Seb finally hung up.

“Sorry Liebling.”

“She's alright?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Mostly. I mean yes she is, Mum says she'll be fine, but oh my god Mark, she had the baby already. It sounds like it happened really fast. I think they only just about got to the hospital in time,” he explained.

“Bloody hell,” exclaimed Mark. “But they're both okay?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah, she said the baby's fine. A little girl.”

A smile spread over his face as he said that and Mark smiled back, giving him a rub on the arm.

“Well that's great. Your poor sister though, that must have been a bit scary.”

“Yeah.”

“And Jan.” Mark puffed a breath. “I don't envy him doing that drive to the hospital.”

“No. God it's so unpredictable isn't it?” noted Seb. “I don't know how people cope.”

Mark shrugged.

“Just how it is I guess. I'm sure they were alright once they got to the hospital.”

“Yeah. Mum sounded a bit shaken up actually. I think it's just they weren't expecting it to be so fast. She said it was about half an hour ago.”

“Well as long as they're all okay.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sure they will be darling,” Mark reassured.

Seb nodded and puffed a breath.

“Mm, I just wish we could go straight there.”

Mark gave him a look and shrugged. There was no way Seb could miss testing.

“Saturday, alright? It's just a couple of days.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark gave his arm a rub. He was about to say something else when an announcement played out over the airport loudspeakers and they both paused to listen.

“Oh hell, that's us,” realised Mark.

“Shit.”

Sebastian grabbed up his bag, hitching it firmly onto his shoulder, and shoved the fluffy bunny under his arm. Then the pair of them ran through the airport, weaving their way through the crowds milling aimlessly about or hurrying about in other directions.

 

As they reached the gate they skidded to a halt at the back of the queue of fellow passengers, Mark laughing at the way Sebastian had to re-secure the bunny into place under his arm. Seb smiled back at him.

“Good job we do all that training,” he noted.

Mark nodded, and Sebastian checked the length of the line of people in front, then pulled out his phone. He saw the look Mark was giving him.

“I just want to send Fabe a message.”

“I thought he was in school?”

“He'll be finishing now,” Seb explained. “I want to let him know we'll be on the flight in case he thinks I'm not answering.”

“Oh okay, fair enough.”

Sebastian pushed the bunny at him and Mark had no option but to take it as Sebastian texted his brother. Seb was about to put his phone away as the line moved along towards the gate, but just as he went to pocket it, his mobile buzzed and he was distracted reading and sending another message back to his brother as the line of people shuffled further up towards the flight officials checking everyone's paperwork ready to board.

“Seb.”

“Hm?”

“Passport, ticket,” prompted Mark.

“Oh.”

Sebastian fished out his documents from the front section of his flight bag, holding them with one hand as he received another text from Melanie, then another from his brother, replying each time. The line kept shifting up and Mark had to give Sebastian little taps on the arm to get him to move along, a task made harder by the fact that he was trying to simultaneously hang onto his bag, his paperwork and the large toy. He was just about to tell Seb that they were almost at the head of the line when another text buzzed through and Sebastian gasped softly as he opened the message.

“Oh Mark.”

“What?”

Mark leaned in closer as Sebastian showed him that it was actually a picture; Stefanie and the newborn baby sat propped in a hospital bed, the baby wrapped in a little white blanket, his sister looking somewhat pale and dishevelled, but gazing at the tiny baby with such a captivated gentle smile on her face.

 

“ _Sir_.”

Mark looked up to the boarding official seeing the raised eyebrow at the large soft toy he was holding.

“Yes, sorry.”

He showed her his documents, but Sebastian was still staring at the picture.

“Sir I need to see your passport and boarding pass,” stated the woman sounding a little impatient.

“Seb,” hinted Mark, finally succeeding in getting him to look up.

“Hm?”

Mark shook his head at how distracted he was. He lifted Seb's hand which held the required documents up to the woman for her to check.

“Oh, sorry.”

Sebastian looked at the official in her uniform, seeing that she didn't appear too impressed.

“Sorry. My sister just had a baby. I mean literally, just now.”

“Oh I see.”

Seb held the phone out to briefly show her the picture and the woman instantly melted.

“Oh how gorgeous.”

Sebastian smiled.

“My brand-new niece.”

“Congratulations.”

“Yeah. Oh god, I haven't even said that to them,” Seb realised.

Mark shook his head as he fitted his paperwork away.

“Text and walk. Come on, or we'll be left behind.”

“Yep, yep.”

Sebastian shoved his boarding card and passport away and walked along to the plane, his eyes lowered as he typed.

 

A couple of minutes later they settled into their seats, Sebastian finally persuaded to switch his phone off and put it away.

“I said it from both of us,” noted Seb.

“Hm?”

“Congratulations to Jan,” Sebastian explained. “And Stef to pass on of course.”

“Oh I see. It was him that sent the picture?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded.

“Thanks. Okay well if they're sending photos I think we know they're really alright don't we?”

“Yeah I suppose we do.”

“And you can relax until we get to the hotel and you can call your family.”

Sebastian gave Mark a smile, knowing he was really telling him he needed to calm down.

“Yeah. Sorry Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's fine sweetheart. Exciting times.”

Seb nodded and did up his seatbelt before sitting the toy bunny on his lap. Mark laughed and gave the rabbit a stroke.

“I'm sure you'll be very popular.”

“Me or the bunny?” smiled Seb.

“Both. Congratulations Uncle Seb.”

Sebastian beamed happily and Mark leant in to give him a kiss on the cheek. He was pleased at the good news of course, but the added benefit of distracting Seb from worrying about facing the paddock press again was a distinctly welcome bonus.

  
  


 

  
  


 

As soon as they had retrieved their bags at the airport in Barcelona, Seb was back on the phone to his family, speaking to his parents and his brother, though not yet his eldest sister who quite understandably was now resting. He passed on more congratulations again and let them know that they would arrange coming out to visit at the weekend. Mark made no comment about Sebastian fussing when he knew how excited he was and how important Seb felt it was to be a part of family life on an uncomplicated occasion for joy for once.

Mark pushed the trolley with all their luggage piled on, the bunny sat in pride of place on top. Seb walked and talked on the phone alongside him as they made their way to the exit. When he finally hung up Mark looked over.

“Everything alright then?”

“Yeah. I think if we can just sort out the details of going over as soon as possible.”

“We'll get it all arranged okay? Don't stress about it,” Mark assured.

“Mm.”

Mark let out a little sigh.

“You don't have to make anything up to them.”

“No I...” Sebastian shrugged a shoulder. “I want to go.”

“I know darling and we will, just don't fret about it.” Mark put an arm around him as they came to a stop at the taxi queue. “I can get the flight change sorted while you're busy can't I?”

“Yeah okay, thank you Liebling.”

“No problem. It'll give me something to do,” smiled Mark.

They moved up in the line and as they stopped again Seb pushed up and gave Mark a quick kiss on the cheek.

“What was that for?” enquired Mark.

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“You know why.”

  
  


  
  


 

When they arrived in hotel they invited Britta to join them for dinner and Seb get his chance to talk to her about what he and Mark had agreed. Mark didn't intervene much, merely sitting back glad to see Britta agreeing to what Sebastian suggested, promising that she would do all she could to enforce it. Both Mark and Seb couldn't fail to notice that Britta didn't promise it was all going to be fine, but Mark hoped to goodness that it would at least calm down. After all Sebastian had been through to fight his way back to racing, the last thing he wanted was for the media to make the paddock a hostile environment for him, distracting Seb from racing and making his life unpleasant. They intended to go to as many races as they could with each other this year, but inevitably there would be weekends where F1 and WEC clashed and they had to be parted. Neither one of them wanted those races to be any more difficult that they were already likely to be.

The next morning Britta met them in the lobby of the hotel to travel with them to the circuit, always a sure sign that she was a little anxious as to what Seb would encounter when he arrived in the paddock. They were all rather quiet in the car as they drove there. Mark thought there were only so many times he could say it would be fine, so he simply gave Sebastian little smiles that he intended to be encouraging, but other that there wasn't a lot to be done other than wait and see.

 

Britta walked slightly ahead of them as they made their way to the security gate into the paddock, eyes ahead to see what was coming their way after a spending the whole drive in glued to her phone checking out the latest press coverage. Behind her Mark and Sebastian had naturally slid their hands together, still not saying much. They dug out their passes and went through the gate to see, to their joint surprise, an almost deserted paddock. Mark looked to Seb and gave him a little shrug.

“We are kind of early.”

“Mm, spose,” Sebastian agreed.

They walked up to the RedBull base and went in to find only a few people hanging around getting their early coffees to set them up for the day. Britta turned to them.

“Well, if you want to get changed? Say ten minutes back here.”

“Sure.” Sebastian paused then looked at her. “Britta, you've been here all week right?”

“Uh huh.”

“And you spoke to the media.”

“We had a little chat, but don't worry I'll speak to them again now we've worked out what we want our approach to be.”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“Right. Okay sure... Guess I'll go change then.”

 

Seb and Mark walked off to his room. The moment the door was shut Sebastian turned to him.

“What do you think she said to them?”

“The media?”

“Yeah.”

Mark shrugged and smiled.

“Dunno sweetheart, but as long as it works... Who knows, maybe ignorance is bliss?”

Sebastian let out a little laugh.

“Do you think she threatened them?”

“Well, threatened sounds so... Mm, yeah actually probably accurate,” Mark decided. “It's fine. Britta's happy to be the bad guy so you don't need to be.”

“Early yet I suppose,” noted Seb.

“Well one step at a time, right?”

“Right.”

It was the simplest philosophy, but usually they were the best. Sebastian decided to go back to what worked. Step one; get changed. Step two; quick talk with Christian. Step three: go down to the garage and do not worry about any press being around until actually walking to the garage. He just had to keep on with that to stay sane.

  
  


  
  


By the afternoon things were going fairly well. Seb was so involved with all the minutiae of testing that he genuinely didn't have time to worry about anything else and Mark was happy enough slotting into his now accustomed role of hanging around in the garage, relieved that the running was going well enough without having to worry about any actual racing as such when it was only testing. Of course every time Seb stepped into the car there was risk, but it always felt slightly less so when all he and anyone else was doing was making loops of the track. Drivers tended to be more considerate to other racers sharing the same space at these times and whilst speeds could be as high as in qualifying when the teams decided to really push their machinery to find their limits, the level of tension was distinctly lower.

While Seb sat with his engineers going over all the data readings from the day Mark finally went and sat out back with his phone, speaking to team logistics back at base on behalf of both of them to arrange their changed flights, so when Seb finished up he had good news to share with him as Mark could tell him it was all getting sorted. It was only when Sebastian had to go with Britta to do his daily huddle with the press that he was brought back to his original concerns. He knew that Lewis must have a fair crowd every time he went through the same rigmarole, but it felt as though every press accredited person at the circuit always crammed into his sessions. He rearranged his cap while Britta glared them all into a reasonable state of submission.

“Okay,” stopped Britta as she scanned the group looking for a reasonably friendly face to get them going. “Yes, Will.”

Sebastian made sure his shoulders were back and he was stood as tall as he could. He fixed his best smile on and looked out to the first questioner. One question at a time. One person, ignore all the rest pressing in, trying to shove their little recorders under his nose and shoving one another to get to the front. That wasn't his problem. No worrying about what they were going to ask, just listen to the actual question being asked and answer it as best you could. One at a time. Don't let it get on top of you.

 

The questions came, mostly adhering to Britta's rules, at least to begin with, but as they warmed up one or two reporters tried to push their follow-ups a little further, asking how it had been to be the subject of so much media coverage in the past week. Seb was tempted to tell them that it was frankly no change from the year before, but he merely shrugged.

“I don't look at any of that.”

“But it must affect you?”

Britta took half a step forwards, eye-balling the reporter firmly.

“If we could stay on topic?”

“Bu...”

Britta made her glare steelier.

“If you have a problem Chris you may discuss it with me later. Next question. Yes, thank you Rachel.”

Sebastian's smile was a fraction less forced as he answered the next enquiry about how the latest additions to the car had worked out that afternoon.

 

As they walked back to the RedBull base Sebastian turned to Britta.

“Thank you.”

“Just doing my job.”

Sebastian gave her a look. It was far more than that and he knew it. He frowned slightly.

“Britta did you... I mean after last week. Is anyone... I mean did you have anyone kicked out?”

Britta smiled enigmatically.

“I may have raised the possibility,” she replied evenly.

Seb let out a little laugh.

“God, I'm glad you're on my side.”

“I shall take that as a compliment.”

“You should.”

 

As they walked back into the base Britta paused and turned to him.

“I think for testing we go on as we are, make sure they really get the point.”

Sebastian nodded, he didn't need reminding what the point was.

“And then if as you say you're happy to open up just a bit more in a controlled interview, we arrange a couple of those for the start in Melbourne,” continued Britta.

“Yeah okay.”

“We'll have plenty of time to go over it in advance,” she assured.

“That's fine.”

“Good. Just whatever you're comfortable with.”

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


“So is it working then?” asked Mark.

Sebastian puffed out a long breath as he lay on the little bed in his room at the RedBull base. Mark sat beside him, looking down. He stroked a thumb over Seb's cheek hoping he'd get more than a shrugged 'fine' out of him.

“Kinda.”

“Kinda?”

“Mm.”

“Better than not at all I spose,” Mark noted.

Sebastian pushed his hands either side to lever himself up to sit properly with Mark.

“Yeah. I dunno. It is better than last week. I know Britta's been giving them the hard line.”

“Well that's good.”

“But they always seem to try to sneak something in there.” Seb sighed, then tried to shake it off. “It's just I find it hard to stick to our rule of not answering personal questions. It feels rude just to refuse.”

“It's rude of them to ask,” pointed out Mark firmly.

“Mm, spose.”

“Look darling let Britta do the refusing. That's her job. She'll deal with them, then you don't need to feel like the bad guy.”

Sebastian pushed out a long breath then nodded.

“Yeah. Thanks Liebling. Sorry for moaning.”

Mark shook his head.

“You're not. It's fine. It's not fair it's all on you anyway.”

Seb shrugged.

“No one else has tried to pounce on you?”

“Nope.”

Mark gave him a smile, thinking how close he had come to telling the media in no uncertain terms where they could stick their microphones last week when they had tried door-stepping him.

“Good,” nodded Sebastian.

“I think they might have worked out they'll regret it if they do,” Mark smiled.

 

Sebastian leaned into him thinking how Mark could look very fierce if he chose to. No wonder one glare from him was enough to put the press off hassling him. His own visage was ill-suited to looking threatening in anyway. A curse of being baby-faced.

“I've managed not to swear at them,” Seb offered.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well done. Really mate, some of them are properly asking for it.”

“Yeah. Ha, you know sometimes I stand there when they're pressing in and saying things I swear no one would ever ask in real life and I just want to reach out and flick them on the nose.”

Mark choked with laughter at the image. The thought of Seb snapping and the look of shock on some impertinent reporter's face. The oddity of the action made it all the funnier, but Mark knew that anything more violent just wasn't in Seb's nature.

Sebastian laughed too, then shook his head.

“Of course they'd love me to lose the plot. That'd give them a great little follow-up story wouldn't it?”

“That's true I suppose. Good job you're too smart for that.”

Seb gave him a wry smile.

“It was Britta that reminded me of that.”

“Ah, well she's a smart cookie too.”

Mark put his arm around Seb and gave him a squeeze.

“If it's better than last week then I guess we're heading in the right direction. You'll just have to stick with the programme and let Britta train it out of them.”

“Yeah.”

“I know it's easy to say.”

“No you're right. I'm trying to think about the long game.”

“Exactly.”

“And only one more day left.”

“Yep, then we'll be off to see your sister and the baby,” Mark reminded him, thinking that would cheer him up.

“Yeah. I should give them a ring. You said the flights were sorted?”

“All sorted. Early start on Saturday though.”

“That's okay.”

“You say that now,” smiled Mark.

“Mm. Ah well, can't be helped. If I could have one super-power I swear it would be to magic instantly from place to place.”

“Me too.”

“Well it would only work if it was you too,” Seb noted.

“True. Right then sweetheart, do you want to call now or from the hotel?”

“Hm, yeah hotel I think. I could do with getting out of here.”

 

The two of them stood and made good their escape. No reporters lurked outside the base and Britta was happy enough to let them go alone. That had to mean things were improving. As they walked through the thankfully quiet paddock Seb turned to Mark.

“Did you notice they changed my name on the timing screen today?”

Mark grinned and put his arm around Seb as they walked.

“Yes darling, I noticed alright.”

Seb huffed a little laugh thinking how he had tried so hard to act cool about it in the garage when he saw Vettel-Webber up there for the first time earlier.

“I guess that means the FIA have gone over my paperwork.”

“All official,” agreed Mark. “Have they sent your new racing license through?”

“Not yet.”

“Bureaucracy at it's finest.”

“Two weeks 'til first practice in Melbourne.”

“Wow that's come up fast.”

“It'll turn up in time. Christian doesn't seem worried.”

“Course not. It'll be fine.”

Sebastian turned to him and gave him a smile.

“They've got it on the side of the car too.”

Mark nodded.

“Yep I saw. Not above the garage yet though.”

“Mm, no. Guess that takes a while longer to sort.”

“Guess so,” Mark agreed.

“Britta says she's lost count of the number of times she's read Vettel-Webber in the papers.”

“Hm?”

“They just seem to like writing it. They certainly take a special delight in saying it to me,” Seb recounted.

“Really? Guess it's just the novelty. You know what short attention-spans they've got.”

“Mm, anyway I don't know why they think they might get some reaction out of me by saying it,” Sebastian commented. “It's just our name now.”

“So it is,” agreed Mark. “How does it feel then?”

“Hm?”

“To see Vettel-Webber on the board and on the car.”

“Oh.” Sebastian smiled widely. “It feels great. When I first saw it there I wanted to shout to you across the garage, but...”

Mark chuckled.

“Not cool in front of the guys?”

Seb shrugged.

“How did it feel to you when you saw it?” he asked.

“I felt proud,” stated Mark assuredly.

Sebastian slipped his arm around Mark's waist and looked up at him happily.

“To see our name?”

“Yes. And of you, that I'm a part of that.”

“Of course you're a part of it.”

“Especially when I saw Vettel-Webber at the top of the times.”

“Not for very long,” noted Sebastian, thinking his fastest time had been supplanted in afternoon when the Mercedes really went for it.

“Still a pretty damn good feeling.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian leaned into Mark as they walked to the exit. It did feel good. At least there were positives to focus on.

  
  


  
  


By the end of the following day Sebastian thought he had a few more positives to take with him and not just as Mark joked, that they had finished and could get out of there. His times had been encouraging, if not stellar, and he'd held the fastest time slot for a good hour in the afternoon. He knew that to some extent it was asking for trouble, but some part of him just thought _'fuck it,'_ and when he'd gone out to face the press at the end of the day Seb had smiled when he had been asked how he thought the day had gone.

“Pretty well actually. Still work to be done but we've made solid progress. I want to thank the team for all their hard work over testing and Dan too of course because it's a joint effort.”

“How did it feel to be at the top of the timings?”

“Well only temporarily, but nice to be there at all of course and yes it felt very good to see Vettel-Webber up there.”

Sebastian looked the reporter in the eye, almost daring him to make a comment about his name. He wasn't going to let them think they could use it against him. They didn't get that. He was proud of his name just as Mark was. Proud because it was _their_ name, just as any of his achievements were jointly theirs. That was why the joint name mattered. It told a fundamental truth about who he was now.

The reporter looked back and saw the defiant look on Seb's face. He glanced at Britta and decided it would be unwise to push it.

“Well that's um, good then. I presume you'll be looking forwards to seeing it up top more often this season.”

“Absolutely,” smiled Seb.

 _'And if you or anyone else don't like it, they can go swivel,_ ' he completed, but only in his head. Maybe the reporters saw it there in his expression, maybe not, but no one made another comment about Sebastian's name that day.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


By the time they had hauled themselves out of bed at an ungodly hour on Saturday morning and likewise hauled themselves to the airport in time to catch their flight, Sebastian couldn't deny he was glad to be leaving. Testing had been fine if unspectacular, and the press did indeed seem to have calmed down somewhat, but it was an effort to manage them, even if Britta was doing most of the heavy lifting. By the time they settled down into their seats on the plane Seb let out a long sigh which Mark couldn't fail to notice.

“Glad to be done with testing?”

Sebastian gave him a little smile and repositioned the toy bunny travelling on his lap again so he could lean into him.

“Yeah. I mean it was good to be in the car and I get what we're doing and why but...”

“Not the most scintilating job going round and round?” offered Mark.

“Mm.”

“And the press.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian huffed out a long breath. “Least said. I just hope it's done the trick.”

“I'm sure it has darling. You said they were pretty much behaving themselves yesterday.”

“Mm, we just need to see if it lasts till Australia.”

“Well let's not worry about that.”

“No. To be honest Liebling I don't even want to think about the media or any of that until I next have to.”

“Then we won't,” replied Mark firmly. “They don't exist for another two weeks.”

“Twelve days,” adjusted Sebastian.

“Is it twelve?” frowned Mark.

“Media day Thursday.”

“Ah. Right, well until then.” Mark waved out his hands sideways as if magically erasing something. “They don't exist.”

Seb smiled and rested his head down on Mark's shoulder hoping it would be that simple. The air stewards were about to do their thing in the aisle, then they would take off and he could remove this seat belt to cuddle up with Mark properly. Mark leant the side of his head into Seb's and they were already beginning to switch off and relax. Only a short flight and they would leave the racing world and all its pressures left far behind them.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a link chapter admittedly...


	124. Smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the second part leading straight on from the last chapter.
> 
> I know it's late, but I thought I'd post anyway.

* * *

 

  
  


A few hours later they stood outside Sebastian's family home once more. Mark turned to Seb as he knocked on the door.

“You know a year ago...”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a smile and squeezed his hand.

“Nothing to worry about this time alright?”

“Yeah I know.”

Seb squeezed his hand back, still glad that Mark was there with him. At least this time they weren't their visit wasn't about them.

His sister Mel opened the door and Sebastian smiled as he remembered how that had been the case a year ago too.

“Hey, come in.”

Mark and Seb said their hellos and dumped their stuff in the hall before following her into the lounge to be greeted by Seb's parents and brother. Mark wasn't surprised to receive hugs from all of them though he noticed how Heike and Norbert made a point of hugging Seb for a good long time and checking that the media hadn't been giving him too hard a time.

“We've not read any of it,” assured Heike.

“Thanks Mum. Us neither. I mean Britta said most of the coverage wasn't that bad, just making a bit of a fuss, but still.”

“Best avoided,” agreed his father solidly.

 

Sebastian looked up over to the hearth, only now spotting the new addition of some framed photographs. He prodded Mark to point them out, Mark smiling as he saw that Seb's parents had got the pictures they sent of their wedding printed and on display. They were there alongside various pictures of the children growing up, shots of Seb in race kit from over the years. Now this; the latest stage of his life and to Sebastian the most important one of all. It meant more than he could say to see their marriage celebrated in this way.

Norbert saw where they were looking.

“We got them done last week,” he explained.

Heike wondered what he meant, so Norbert nodded at the photographs.

“Oh, yes thank you for sending them,” she added. “Some lovely shots of the pair of you. I'm so glad we've got them.”

Heike didn't add; _'so at least we've got something'_. She didn't want any of that upset coming back to haunt them. So all she got from her son's wedding was a photograph? At least she got her son here and seeming to be happy right now. That had to be more important. If she made a fuss it would only push them away. Heike knew she had no choice but to work on doing all she could to encourage them to want to come here and to be a part of their family. Her son and Mark nodded and smiled and Heike knew those smiles meant a lot. There were more photographs to be added now as well of their rapidly expanding family and no more good came of commenting on her daughter _not_ being married, than did commenting any more on the way her son had gone about his marriage.

 

“Now then you have yourselves a sit down while we get coffee, then we'll head off to the hospital. Mel's going to drive too so we can all fit in,” stated Heike.

“Thanks Mel,” offered Mark.

“Yeah thanks.”

“You coming with me then?” Melanie asked.

“If that's okay?”

Mel smiled at her brother.

“Me driving two racing drivers. Yeah no pressure.”

“Hey I can drive if you'd rather?”

“No no, it's fine. Just no commenting on my driving skills.”

“Fine.”

“Can I come too?” piped up Fabian.

“Aren't you coming with us?” interrupted his mother.

Fabian huffed so his sister intervened.

“You can come with me.”

“Does that mean I get to sit in the front?”

“Sure it does,” offered Sebastian thinking he'd rather sit with Mark anyway.

“Yeah no problem,” agreed Mark, you'll just need to pull your seat forwards if I'm going to fit these legs in Mel's car.

“There we go then,” settled Norbert. “No more fussing. Let's get the kettle on.”

 

Seb's parents left for the kitchen and they were left alone in the lounge. Fabian looked at his brother, still feeling just a little awkward after the last time they were there despite talking on the phone several times since then.

“So Stef's still in the hospital then?” checked Sebastian.

“Yeah. Think they might see if she can go home later today,” explained Mel.

“But she's okay though?”

“Yeah fine I think, just still, you know... getting over the shock a little bit, but they're fine.” Mel smiled. “Wait till you see the baby. I think she looks like Jan.”

“Does she?”

Fabian shrugged. “I don't think she does. I think she just looks like a baby. They're all pretty much the same.”

“Boys,” sighed Melanie despairingly.

“I'm sure she's lovely,” offered Mark.

“She is,” smiled Mel. “She's very cute. Bit small.”

“All babies are small,” muttered Fabian.

Sebastian smiled at his brother not appreciating the finer details of such matters.

“Well as long as she's healthy, right?”

“Exactly,” agreed Mel.

“No name yet?”

“Nope they're still thinking.”

“I came up with some really good ones,” asserted Fabian, “but they didn't seem too impressed.”

“Can't think why,” scoffed Melanie. “Fabienne? Really.”

“I think it's a nice name,” shrugged Fabian innocently.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Yeah anyway. Do you want to see what we got?”

He went and grabbed the bunny from the hall to show them, making his brother and sister laugh at the fact it was several times bigger than the actual baby it was intended for.

“We got a card at the airport here. Is there a pen so we can write it?” asked Seb.

 

His sister went to find him a biro and Mark and Sebastian sat on the sofa, Fabian going with them.

“It's so weird seeing Stef with the baby,” he noted.

“Weird?”

Fabian shrugged.

“Yeah.”

“But nice,” suggested Seb.

“Mm, just... bit weird.”

Seb glanced at Mark who gave a tiny shake of his head thinking that Fabian had been through enough adjusting in recent times.

“You'll love being an uncle,” insisted Mark.

“I guess. Maybe when she's a bit bigger and I can play games with her.”

“Exactly. Great fun. You get to muck about and fill them with sweets and then hand them back to their parents.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm looking forward to it,” added Seb.

Mark smiled at him.

“You'll be great. You're good with kids.”

Seb shrugged.

“You are too.”

“Hm, guess I've had a fair bit of practise with my sister's lot.”

“Does that mean you'll be coming over more often?” asked Fabian, trying not to sound too hopeful.

“We'll try,” assured Sebastian. “You know what it's like when we're racing though.”

“Right.”

“We really will make an effort though.”

 

Fabian nodded and his brother wanted to make sure he didn't feel neglected.

“Oh and we think we might have found a good window for you to come visit if you fancy it?”

“Have you?”

“Yeah. We were thinking the weekend at the end of your Easter holidays. It's between races for us so maybe if you came the Thursday, stayed til Sunday maybe?”

Fabian noticeably sat higher.

“Oh that'd be good. So you'll both be home then?”

“Yeah. Hope that's alright,” teased Mark.

“No course it is. Yeah I'd like that.”

“You'll still have to run it by Mum and Dad,” reminded Sebastian.

“Yeah but it'll be fine.”

Melanie looked over from where she sat opposite.

“Mum's going to insist on proof you've done all your homework by the time you go,” she noted.

“So? It's fine. I can do that,” insisted Fabian.

“You won't have much fun if you have to bring it with you,” Mark reminded him.

“I'll have done it. What will be doing then?”

“Dunno. Depends on the weather.”

“We'll just play it by ear,” proposed Seb. “We'll think of something. I mean we've got the pool now haven't we?”

“Course. Yeah that'll be cool.”

Sebastian smiled at him, a little relief mixed in at seeing how keen his brother still was. They'd take the chance to make a fuss of him, make him feel special. He was sure his parents would agree to it all.

  
  


A little while later they piled into Melanie's car, Seb and Mark feeling somewhat squashed in the back while Fabian enjoyed the fact he got to ride up front until his sister told him he was in charge of helping her with directions to the hospital seeing as she wasn't used to going from their parents' house.

Mark reached through from the back and patted Fabian on the shoulder.

“You're in charge young Fabe. Don't go sending us on a wild goose trail will you?”

Fabian turned round to look.

“I won't get us lost,” he protested.

“Course you won't,” assured Seb.

Fabian smiled again at the sight of his older brother with the toy sat on his lap.

“Maybe you should have sent him to go with Mum and Dad?”

“It's a she,” corrected Seb, giving the bunny a little stroke.

“Course she is,” grinned Mark, thinking the only issue might be whether Seb was willing to give it up when they got to see their niece.

  
  


  
  


Arriving at the hospital, Seb's parents only popped in to say hello to their daughter before coming back out so that Mark and Sebastian could go in. They didn't want Stefanie to be overwhelmed with them all cramming into the small room at once so they were to take it in turns and seeing as the two of them hadn't visited yet, they got first turn. They walked into a room that was pale and peaceful, light flooding in from the windows to show all the flowers and cards and gifts already on display. Mark smiled, thinking it was thankfully a million miles from the darkened hospital room that Sebastian had occupied after his accident. Perhaps that was a psychological thing, but it felt true nonetheless. This was a happy space.

He smiled and shook hands with Jan, offering his congratulations once more and passing over the card and explaining that the box was a gift for Stef when she had a moment to look. Then Mark went and joined Sebastian over with his sister, leaning in as Seb had done to give her a kiss on the cheek and congratulate again.

“You look well,” complimented Mark.

“Thanks,” smiled Stef. “You should have seen us a couple of days ago.”

“You're alright though?” checked Seb.

“I'm fine. Not gonna be running any marathons too soon, but hopefully we can go home, maybe this afternoon.”

Sebastian nodded, but his attention had been drawn away now. He looked beyond his sister to the other side of the bed where a tiny cradle sat. He walked around the bed then stopped and stared and stared and stared. There she was, his little niece.

“She's beautiful,” breathed Sebastian, not taking his eyes off her.

 

The baby opened her eyes at the sound of his voice and looked up, seeming to stare right back at him. Sebastian smiled down, transfixed.

“Hello.”

Seb paused as if giving her time to answer, then huffed a little laugh knowing that she couldn't reply.

“I'm your Uncle Seb.”

Mark had gone around to join Seb and put an arm around him. Sebastian finally looked away and turned to him.

“Isn't she beautiful?”

“Yeah mate, gorgeous.”

Mark turned to Jan and Stefanie.

“You must be very happy.”

“Yeah,” agreed Jan, Stef merely nodding.

Mark reached in and gently chubbed the baby's cheek with his knuckle.

“Hey there kiddo.”

“This is your Uncle Mark,” explained Seb, quite as if she would be taking it all in.

“Thanks for the card,” offered Jan.

“Hm? Oh yeah.”

Seb tore his eyes away to look over.

“Is that for her?” asked Stef.

Sebastian looked down and remembered the toy held under his arm.

“Oh. Yeah.”

He lifted up the bunny and waved it down at the baby.

“She doesn't have a name yet.”

“Hm?” frowned Stefanie.

“The bunny. You'll have to give her a name,” Sebastian explained.

“Oh.”

Mark smiled.

“I think they've got a rather more pressing concern on that front.”

“Hm?”

“A name for the baby.”

“Oh right.”

“Actually we've got one,” announced Jan.

 

Both Mark and Seb looked over and Jan looked to Stefanie to tell them.

“Sofie.”

“ _Sofie_.” Seb looked back at the baby and smiled. “Hello Sofie.”

“We only decided last night,” explained Stef. “It was Jan's grandmother's name and I like it.”

“It's nice.”

“We've not told anyone yet, so you'll let us?”

“Of course.”

 

Sebastian looked back down at the baby and as lightly as he could, brushed a hand over the little wisps of hair.

“Do you want to hold her?” offered his sister.

“Oh I...”

“It's fine. You just have to support her head.”

Jan went around and carefully picked the baby up to demonstrate. Seb looked to his sister.

“Don't you want to hold her?” he checked.

Stef smiled.

“I was holding her before while she fed. My arms are dead.”

“Oh. Oh okay then.”

Mark smiled at how nervous Sebastian was.

“You won't drop her,” he reassured.

“Yeah, I, um, course. Okay.”

 

Seb dumped the bunny down where there was space at the side, then looked to Jan and tentatively held his arms out so Jan could place the baby there, putting his hand with extreme care to ensure he supported her head correctly. Seb looked worriedly to his sister.

“Am I doing it right?”

“You're a natural,” smiled Stef.

Sebastian shifted the baby slightly into a more comfortable position, holding her against him and then finding potential disaster averted, he finally relaxed a fraction. Mark stepped in as Jan moved back closer to Stefanie and put his arm around Seb as they both looked down at the baby.

“Wow,” breathed Seb. “She's so light.”

“Not after an hour she's not,” remarked Stefanie.

Mark huffed a little laugh, but Seb hadn't looked away from the baby. It was as if she had enchanted him and he was spellbound.

“She has green eyes.”

“What's that sweetheart?” asked Mark.

“Sofie. She has green eyes.”

“Oh.”

Mark leaned in a little closer to look, then turned to Jan.

“Takes after you,” he observed.

“Yeah, guess so. A bit anyway, far too pretty to be really like me,” joked Jan.

Mark smiled to the pair of them.

“Are you looking forward to going home then?”

“God yeah,” replied Stefanie with feeling.

 

Mark laughed as Jan perched on the edge of the bed with her.

“Stef's getting cabin fever stuck in here aren't you?” Jan commented.

Stefanie pulled a face.

“I just want my own space, no nurses fussing around making me stay in bed.”

Seb looked up and raised an eyebrow.

“You know you'll only be swapping them for having Mum fuss over you instead.”

“At least I can sit on the sofa, have a cup of tea and feel more normal.”

“Mm yeah.”

“You must understand what it's like,” suggested his sister. “I mean I know it's different, but you wanted out of the hospital didn't you? When, you know...”

Stefanie felt bad for referring to his accident when she saw a shadow pass over Seb's face, but it only lasted a second as Mark gave his arm a rub and her brother nodded.

“Yeah you want to be home. I get that.”

“Hopefully later,” noted Jan.

“Are your parents coming over?” asked Mark, wanting to shift the conversation.

“Yeah they're driving here today. My dad couldn't get out of work, so yeah they should arrive this afternoon.”

“Well that's good.”

“You're not going to feel inundated are you?” asked Seb. “You know with all us family pushing in.”

“Oh no, that's okay. Everyone wants to see the baby, we understand,” assured Jan.

“Besides when we get home we're probably going to need the help,” Stef noted.

“Yeah,” smiled Jan. “We've got all this baby equipment to assemble for starters.”

“Well if you're home tomorrow we could come over couldn't we?” offered Mark.

“Hm? Oh yeah.” Seb looked up from gazing at the baby again. “Actually we got you some more stuff online while we were in Spain.”

“Weren't you busy driving?”

“We did it in the evenings.”

“Oh right.”

“Just a few bits and pieces. Let us know if there's anything you need or would like.”

“I think we're going to have tonnes of stuff to be honest,” explained Jan. He glanced around the room at all the gifts they already had and huffed a laugh. “We'll need a truck to get all this stuff back as it is.”

“Well anything we can do to help,” offered Mark.

“Thank you.”

 

Stefanie smiled over at her brother who had drifted back to looking at the baby.

“How do you like her then?”

Seb looked back at her.

“She's amazing.”

“She likes you.”

“Do you think?”

Seb looked back at Sofie and smiled at her.

“Do you think she knows I'm her uncle?”

“Guess she must do,” agreed Stef. “Mind you she sicked up milk on her Uncle Fabian when he went to hold her yesterday.”

 

Both Mark and Sebastian laughed at that. Mark gave the baby's cheek a little stroke.

“You're not going to throw up on us are you kiddo?”

“Course she won't,” insisted Seb.

“You're lucky she's just been fed. You should have heard her crying before,” noted Stef.

“Loud?” smiled Mark.

“Deafening,” agreed Jan. “It's remarkable how much din such little lungs can make.”

“Well I just think she's being quiet cos she likes you sweetheart,” suggested Mark to Seb.

Sebastian smiled at him.

“Do you want to have a hold of her.”

“Oh um.”

“That's okay isn't it?” Seb asked his sister.

“Course it is,” agreed Stef.

Seb looked back to Mark.

“Been a while since I've done this,” Mark admitted.

“Yeah but you must have held your nieces and nephew.”

“Long time ago. Um, yeah okay hang on.”

 

Mark went round to face Sebastian and with extreme care they managed to pass the baby between them so Mark was holding her instead. Seb smiled as he saw how once Mark had Sofie in his arms he settled in far more quickly into relaxing his hold more confidently.

“See, you're good,” he offered.

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“Guess it's like riding a bike.” He looked over to Jan and Stefanie. “Sorry, that doesn't sound great does it?”

“It's fine.”

“I was scared I'd drop her,” admitted Seb.

Jan laughed.

“So was I at first, but you get used to it pretty quick.”

“I think it's just human nature,” suggested Stefanie. “You do it instinctively. You'd never drop her.”

“Mm guess not,” agreed Sebastian.

He looked back over at Mark who was pulling faces at the baby to see if she'd react.

“You're good.”

“Hm?”

Mark looked up at him.

“You're good with her,” repeated Sebastian.

“Oh, well I don't know about that. I'm sure she's wondering what this ugly mug is doing gurning at her,” dismissed Mark.

At that the baby waved up a tiny arm and Sebastian smiled.

“No I think she wants you to do it again.”

Mark pulled another face at the baby. He wasn't sure that at a few days old she could even really make out what he was doing, but he had to admit she was paying attention.

  
  


There was a tap on the door and Heike appeared.

“Are you ready to swap over?”

“Oh, sure,” agreed Mark.

Jan walked around and took the baby back.

“Mum's not too good at sharing,” whispered Stefanie as Mark and Seb leaned in to say thanks and goodbye for now.

“That'll be fun when Jan's parents arrive,” noted Seb.

“Mm.”

His sister gave him a flick of her eyebrows and both Mark and Sebastian smiled at her.

“Well good luck with that,” offered Mark.

“Yeah. So if you're home tomorrow do you want us over or will it be too crammed?” checked Seb.

“No come over, you can help.”

“Yeah we'll need your engineering brains to give us a hand constructing things,” Jan added.

“You're a designer mate, you should be well ahead following instructions,” noted Mark.

“Ha, if only. Besides I don't have to actually make the things I design,” joked Jan.

 

“Are you arranging about tomorrow?” asked Heike already making her way into the room.

“Um, yeah,” agreed Seb. “So you can let us know if you're home and when would be good?”

“Sure. What time is your flight home?” asked Jan.

“Not till five, so we're good until about three.”

“Well we'll let you know.”

“Thanks.”

They said their farewells to Stef, Jan and the baby, then let Seb's parents take their place in the room, clearly unable to wait any longer to see their new grandchild again.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Late the next morning they piled into cars once more to make the trip to Stefanie and Jan's house. It was only a forty minute journey and as it was Sunday the roads were fairly quiet. They'd got confirmation that they had left the hospital late on Saturday afternoon, leading Heike to make several comments that she ought to have stayed with them to help Stefanie and the baby settle in at home. The fact that Jan's parents were there to help apparently wasn't something that improved matters in Heike's opinion.

 

As they drove along, crammed into the back of Mel's small car again, Seb leaned into Mark.

“Think we may have some peace-making to do when we get there.”

“Oh?”

“I can tell Mum's gonna be kindof possessive about the baby,” Sebastian explained.

“Ah. Well, families.”

Mark shrugged, knowing that Seb understood only too well how complicated they could get.

Fabian turned around from where he sat in the front seat.

“What are you two talking about?”

Sebastian sent Mark a sideways glance, recalling how his brother had stuck to them like glue the night before, talking about his trip to visit them and getting them to tell him all about their new pool.

“Just how Mum probably won't want to share Sofie with Jan's mum.”

Melanie laughed as she looked in the mirror back at them.

“I think we may have a very polite but unseemly fight on our hands.”

“Oh god, really?” sighed Fabian.

“You didn't have to come,” noted his sister.

“Ah yes I did.”

“It's fine Fabe,” assured Mark. “I think we're gonna be set to work building stuff. You can help us.”

“Yeah alright.” Fabian grinned at his sister. “You can play peace-maker with Mum.”

“Oh god, really?” sighed Mel.

Sebastian laughed into Mark, thinking they were definitely getting the better deal.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Jan let them in when they arrived and led them through to introduce them to his parents. His mother was sat by Stefanie on the sofa who was holding the baby.

“Mum and Dad not here yet?” asked Stef.

“I think Mel was trying to prove she could be a racing driver too,” joked Fabian.

Melanie tsk'd and went over to her sister.

“No I wasn't. It's just Dad drives at about fifteen miles an hour these days.”

“Anyway,” soothed Stefanie, “if you want to get a hold in, you'd better do it now.”

She looked out to them and Mel went forwards to have take Sofie for a few minutes before passing the baby on to Seb and then Mark. Jan smiled at Fabian.

“You don't want to hold her?”

“Oh umm.”

“It's fine Fabe,” assured Stef. “Why don't you help Jan making drinks.”

“Yeah okay.”

  
  


Fabian went through with Jan and his father to put the kettle on in the kitchen whilst Seb stole his brother's turn and took Sofie back to hold her a while longer. He sat down on the other sofa with Mark who made polite conversation with Jan's mother while Melanie and Stefanie spoke conspiratorially. The cards and gifts from the hospital had been transplanted to the lounge as well as several more bunches of flowers. Mark leaned in as Seb held the baby and pulled some more faces, making Seb rather than Sofie laugh which was fine until she started crying and Sebastian wasn't sure what to do.

“Oh sorry Stef, guess she didn't like that so much today,” apologised Mark.

Stef shook her head.

“She's hungry I think.”

She looked around and thankfully her partner reappeared on hearing the baby crying. Jan came over, smiling at seeing Sebastian looking somewhat at a loss as to what to do.

“Here, let me,” offered Jan, taking his daughter back and holding her up against his shoulder.

Just then the doorbell rang and Sebastian stood up.

“Shall I get it?”

“Oh if you would, thanks.”

 

Sebastian got up and let his parents in as Jan took the baby with him to make up her bottle in the kitchen. Heike and Norbert took seats in the lounge as Fabian brought through a tray of hot drinks.

“Oh Mum, Dad. I haven't got yours,” he realised.

“We'll get it,” offered Seb.

“Where's the baby?” enquired Heike.

“Jan's making her bottle,” Stef explained.

She saw the look her mother gave her and sighed.

“Don't start Mum.”

“Well I just think...”

“Mum,” intervened Melanie.

Heike huffed and shook her head while Jan's mother chose to helpfully make comments about how Jan had been bottle-fed.

 

Sebastian shot Mark a look and they got up and made a sharp exit to find Jan in the kitchen. He turned around to see them, the baby still held against his chest, Sofie's head by his shoulder as she snuffled.

“Bit quieter now,” noted Mark.

“Ha, yeah. Sure she can smell the milk,” Jan guessed.

“Do you want me to take her again?” asked Seb seeing him struggle trying to do two things at once.

“Oh would you? Thanks.”

Jan passed him the baby and Sebastian managed to hold her as Jan had, so she was vertical against his chest, his hand cradling her little head.

“Is there more water in the kettle?” asked Mark. “We've been deputed to make Heike and Norbert drinks.”

“Oh um, no you'll need to fill it.”

Mark set about his task while Jan made the bottle up and Sebastian held the baby who thankfully had calmed down.

“I'll take her now,” Jan offered.

“Oh sure.”

Seb awkwardly passed the baby back, still anxious that he might drop her as he did so. Jan angled his head towards the lounge.

“Stef's worried your Mum's none to happy about Sofie being bottle-fed.”

“Ah, um.”

Jan nodded. “I'll take it that means she said something.”

He sighed and Mark put a hand on his arm.

“Mums. Worth their weight in gold, but you can't please them all the time,” Mark advised.

“Yeah.” Jan huffed a laugh. “Well you bring those through and let's see how fast the pair of them leap up to offer to feed her. Bottle or no bottle.”

 

Mark and Sebastian smiled and picked up the mugs to follow him through. As they walked in, just as predicted the two grandmothers bounded up out of their seats to politely but firmly suggest that _they_ should be the one to look after their granddaughter.

Jan hid his smile and Sebastian decided to distract his mother by passing her a mug of coffee allowing Jan's mother to take the baby. Heike didn't look too impressed, but Norbert took his coffee politely and patted the sofa to hint that his wife should join him. He leaned in to whisper in her ear.

“We're much closer so we'll see them far more often won't we? Let her have a chance while they're here.”

Heike frowned, but then relented and sipped her drink while polite conversation filled the room.  
  


After a while Stef finally took her daughter back to finish feeding her and wind her carefully, both grandmothers offering their own advice as to how to do it best. Mark and Seb both saw the looks exchanged between Jan and Stefanie and suspected that they wouldn't be entirely disappointed when all the family left them to it and they could do as _they_ thought best.

“Oh we came back to find more presents from you,” noted Jan, looking over at the pair.

“Did you?”

“Yeah, must be the stuff you got online.”

“Very kind,” added Stef as she paused rubbing her hand in a circular motion on the baby's back. “Although we looked at it and we can't work out how you're meant to fix the mobile to the crib.”

“Oh that's a point. If you're alright here why don't you guys give me a hand?”

Jan looked to his partner who nodded, then out to Seb and Mark who got up to go with him, Fabian trailing along with them. Mel stole Jan's place on the sofa and put her hand on her sister's arm as Heike decided now would be a good time to point out better ways to wind the baby properly.

  
  


They went upstairs to what was to be the nursery. The walls were already painted a soothing pale shade of yellow but the rest of the room was chaotically filled with various boxes.

“We kindof got caught on the hop a bit,” admitted Jan. “I was going to spend this weekend making all this stuff up ready.”

“Where did she sleep last night then?” wondered Fabian.

“Oh we've got a moses basket in our room, but all this is the proper stuff,” Jan explained.

“Right then, let's see what we've got,” encouraged Mark. “Where do you want to start?”

Jan looked about him and puffed a breath.

“Crib I guess.”

They found the right box and tipped out the contents, Mark and Jan going through all the bits and pieces while Seb carefully read the instructions. Fabian picked up the oddly shaped little spanner.

“Does this fix it together?”

“Guess so,” agreed Mark. He looked at Seb. “Do the instruction make any sense?”

“Um, not really. Jan you want a look?”

Jan read them through, then passed them to Mark who read them in turn.

“Nope you're right. Complete gobbledygook,” Mark confirmed. “Hey ho, let's see how we get on. Fabe you hold this.”

 

They began working together, Fabian doing most of the holding while the others tried fixing pieces together. Sebastian referring more to the complicated instructions than the others as he was sure that if they didn't they would wind up with a table not a crib.

It was harder work than it ought to be with four of them working on the task, but eventually they managed to complete the construction, Jan giving the crib a gentle push to check it didn't wobble.

“Why do we have spare screws left over?” asked Fabian.

“Shh, don't tell Stef,” warned Jan.

Mark smiled and patted Fabian on the shoulder.

“They always lob in a few spares just in case. I think we're good aren't we?”

“Yep,” agreed Jan. “It's solid. Now then where's that mobile?”

 

They went on digging through boxes, Seb and Mark fixing on the mobile onto the crib while Fabian and Jan pulled out another large bit of furniture.

“Why doesn't it just come ready-made?” asked Fabian.

“Dunno,” shrugged Jan. “Harder to transport I guess. Right, you guys want to have a go at the baby-changing table?” He stood to look at the mobile on the crib and smiled. “We'd almost expected it to be little racing cars going around.”

Mark and Seb laughed as the looked at the pastel animals on the one they had chosen.

“Making vroom noises when you turn it on?” joked Mark.

“Ah we're not that obsessed,” countered Seb.

“No I know,” smiled Jan. “This is lovely, thank you.”

Sebastian wound up the mobile to play its little tune to test it and it played out while they went on to the next task, filling the room with gentle tinkly music.

 

An hour later the group felt fairly proud of themselves. The crib was built, the changing table and a chest of drawers put together.

“Looking good,” smiled Jan. “Thanks so much guys. That would have taken me all day on my own.”

“No problem,” dismissed Mark.

“Yeah it's fine. Good to do something useful,” agreed Seb.

Melanie appeared in the doorway.

“Oh wow, you lot have been busy.”

“Yeah,” smiled Jan. “Place is a tip though,” he observed, looking around at all the opened boxes, random bits of cardboard, small plastic bags and polystyrene. “Fabe, do us a favour, can you nip down and find us a couple of bin bags under the kitchen sink so we can tidy up?”

“Oh sure.”

 

Fabian passed his sister at the door and went down while the rest tried to at least make a start clearing the room of extraneous junk. When he reappeared they piled it all away and looked around.

“Looks a bit more like a proper nursery,” Jan smiled. “Stef'll be pleased.”

“No problem,” offered Mark.

“Yeah you'll have to let us know what you still need,” added Seb. “Maybe a rocking chair?”

“Oh you don't need to get us anything more.”

Mark smiled and put his arm around Sebastian.

“I think Jan could do without any more constructing sweetheart.”

“We could find one that delivers it made up?”

Jan shrugged.

“Well, if you want to. You've really been very kind.”

“Oh by the way Mum was in the kitchen putting lunch together,” remembered Fabian. “She said can you go help her Mel?”

“Why am I helping?” frowned Melanie.

“We can help,” offered Seb.

“No no,” sighed Melanie. “I'll go. Guess you did this.”

“I think you should,” added Fabian. “Jan's mum was in there as well and I think they need an intermediary.”

“Oh god,” laughed Jan. “I'd better go too. Thanks guys.”

 

He headed down with Mel, taking the filled bin bags with them, and the others went back through to the lounge where Stef was back to holding the baby while her father and Jan's chatted about something on the other side of the room. She smiled up at them as they walked in.

“You timed that well,” she noted.

“Ah,” smiled Seb, “not entirely coincidence.”

Stefanie laughed gently, not wanting to wake the baby who had fallen asleep against her. She looked at her littlest brother who was hovering by the door.

“Come on Fabe, she's asleep now. Why don't you try holding her while you know she won't wriggle?”

“Um...”

Seb sat down on the sofa and patted the spot between him and their sister, so Fabian did as was suggested and sat there. Sebastian put his arms in the right position and helped as Stefanie carefully placed the baby there.

“Wow.”

Mark perched on the arm of the sofa by Sebastian and smiled over.

“How does it feel then Fabe?”

Fabian looked up at him.

“Weird.”

“Weird?” laughed Stefanie.

“No I mean, yeah, just I don't know... a bit strange.”

“Well you'd better get used to it as we're counting on you babysitting.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah course we are.”

“You'd trust me?”

“Course we'd trust you,” assured his sister.

Fabian looked down at the baby and finally smiled.

“I guess that'd be pretty cool. You'd have to teach me how to do stuff to look after her.”

“We will.”

“You'll have to teach me too,” added Sebastian.

Stefanie looked over to him.

“Are you volunteering as well then?”

“Yeah course. We'll come over won't we Mark?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

“Do you want another hold while we're in the clear?” asked Stef.

Sebastian smiled and flicked his eyebrows up.

“Mum getting on top of you?”

“Oh she means well I know, but...”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb.

“It'll calm down,” predicted Mark. “They're just over-excited.”

“Yeah I'm sure I'll be very grateful for all the help.”

“But you won't be sorry to have a bit of peace and quiet,” suggested Sebastian.

“I suspect we won't have a lot of that in the near future,” smiled Stef.

 

She lifted up the baby and helped pass it on from one brother to the other, glad to see how much more confident Seb was getting. It really was a shame he and Mark lived so far away. They got on well with Jan and it would be nice to have them up the road. She could keep a better eye on her brother as well then. She knew her mother felt the same way, but he and Mark seemed set on staying in England. Still, Seb seemed okay this weekend despite all the ridiculous fuss in the media about their marriage going public, so that was something. Stefanie hoped that they really would be able to keep their promise to visit more often once the racing season started.

Melanie came back through to ask what drinks people wanted and explained that it had been decided that the easiest thing was to have sandwiches in here rather than trying to anything more complicated. Soon everyone was back in the lounge, finding space to perch where they could. Seb gave the baby back over to his sister and ended up sat with Mark on the coffee-table seeing as there was nowhere else. Things seemed to have calmed down between the respective grandmothers over making lunch which everyone was grateful for, though no one was inclined to get involved by asking how or why it had settled them. Sebastian still noticed that his mother ate particularly rapidly so she could take over looking of the baby while Stef got a chance to have some lunch.

  
  


As Seb and Mark helped clear up after lunch Sebastian leaned in to Mark as they stood in the kitchen.

“It's never entirely straight-forward in my family is it?”

Mark shrugged.

“Everybody means well. I think you could do a lot worse.”

“No I know,” agreed Seb. “To be honest Liebling it's quite nice not to be the centre of attention for once.”

Mark smiled and gave him a hug.

“Somebody stole your limelight.”

“She's welcome to it.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Come on, let's be helpful and do the washing up for them, then we'd better arrange a taxi to get to the airport.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark saw he looked a little regretful.

“We can visit can't we? And your brother's coming over.”

“Yeah true. I'm just not looking forward to how manic it gets when the season starts, especially when we're both trying to support one another at races.”

“Well you don't always have to come with me,” noted Mark.

“Yes I do,” insisted Seb.

Mark laughed at how outraged Sebastian sounded at that.

“Yeah alright. Look we'll make time somehow, okay?”

Sebastian nodded again and tried not to sigh as he wanted to. It did no good. His family was complicated and yet here he was whining about not being able to see them as often as he liked when poor Mark had his family on the other side of the world.

“I'm looking forwards to being in Australia again,” offered Seb instead.

“Yeah me too mate,” Mark agreed. “Very thoughtful of Sofie to pop along early.”

 

Sebastian huffed a laugh and they set about doing the washing up. When they finished Seb decided he needed to use the bathroom so he went up while Mark waited around. After a couple of minutes Mark wandered into the hall, then went up, wondering what was taking him so long. He stood on the landing, trying to remember which was the bathroom door when Mark caught sight of Sebastian in the nursery and went over.

“There you are,” greeted Mark.

Seb jumped slightly and turned to him.

“Oh, yeah sorry I was just putting the bunny in here.”

Mark smiled as he noticed the toy sat in pride of place in the crib.

“Very nice darling, although I suspect she takes up more room than the baby.”

“Stef said they're keeping Sofie in with them for a while,” Sebastian explained.

“Ah right, well this little one can keep an eye on the place,” joked Mark.

“Mm, anyway, shall we go down?”

“Sure.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


A little later everyone was back in the lounge again. Stefanie thankful that at least having two lots of mothers present meant she wasn't short of volunteers to go and tackle changing nappies which she was still trying to get the hang of.

“When do you head off?” enquired Norbert.

“About half an hour,” Seb replied.

His father laughed.

“I meant going out to your first race. I thought you said you wanted to visit Mark's family beforehand if you could?”

“Oh right. Yeah we were just saying, this coming a little early actually makes it rather easier,” explained Sebastian. “I'm in work on Tuesday so we'll head out the day after. Should give us nearly a week.”

“Not quite,” adjusted Mark, thinking of the time-differences that would effectively extend their already long flight.

“No, well a long weekend at any rate.”

“And you're looking forward to racing again?” checked his father.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian didn't want to add that he wasn't looking forwards to facing the press again. There was no point letting them worry about that.

“Anyway,” picked up Mark, seeing the unsaid part of Seb's reply. “We were just saying how thoughtful it was of little Sofie to bob along a bit early.”

Jan coughed and shook his head.

“Not all that thoughtful. Honestly, it was so stressful. I don't think I've ever gone through anything quite like it.”

His partner sat next to him slowly turned and looked at him, raising a dangerous eyebrow.

“Was it stressful for you Jan?” challenged Stefanie dryly.

“Oh, um, obviously yeah far less than it was for you,” he crumbled.

Several others in the room had to bite their lip to stop themselves from laughing, Mark and Sebastian included. Jan saw that he had put his foot in it so he jumped up and offered to make more tea and coffee for people while Stefanie rolled her eyes.

 

Mark and Seb got up to go and help, Fabian following as he realised that they were going soon. As Jan loaded up a tray with mugs Fabian stood by his brother.

“So you'll ring me about my visit?”

“Course I will. Mum and Dad say it's fine so we just need to sort out the details.”

“Yeah okay.”

“And you need to make sure you'll have done all the work you need to,” reminded Mark.

“I will.”

“We know you will,” assured Seb. “Anyway we'll speak plenty before then. I've got a race coming up and I need your pep talks.”

His brother gave him a diffident smile.

“Really?”

“Yeah course. You always cheer me up when I'm getting all stressed.”

Fabian looked at him more seriously.

“It won't be too bad will it?”

“No no, I just mean it's nice,” assured Seb.

“We told you Britta's been on the warpath didn't we?” added Mark.

“Oh I suppose. And you'll be there won't you Mark?” remembered Fabian.

“Yep. In fact quite a few of my family are coming along this time.”

“Are they? That's nice.”

Sebastian smiled at Mark, thinking how great it would be to have all that support there for him.

“Yeah really nice. Ryan was keen to come to visit the garage.”

“That's your nephew?” Fabian asked Mark.

“Yep, keen as you are Fabe.”

“Hopefully you'll meet him in the summer when we have our party,” pointed out Seb. “He's quite a lot younger than you, but you could look after him a bit couldn't you?”

“Oh, um sure, yeah I could do that. I can't wait till the summer.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. No school.”

Both Mark and Sebastian laughed, Jan looking over from where he was sorting out drinks.

“What's so funny?” he enquired.

“Just Fabe being keen for our party because summer means no school,” explained Mark.

“Ah. Oh those were the days, eh?” smiled Jan, thinking how much simpler life seemed when you were younger.

  
  


Not long after they were back sat in the lounge. Seb was conscious that time was slipping by and soon their taxi would be arriving to take them to the airport. He looked over to his sister.

“I don't really know when we'll be back,” he admitted.

“That's okay. We know what it's like.”

“Yeah.”

“It was very kind of you all to help Jan with the baby furniture,” thanked Stef as she looked at the pair of them.

“No problem,” replied Mark. “Just good to make ourselves useful isn't sweetheart?”

“Hm? Oh yeah, no trouble,” agreed Seb. “I just hope we'll get back before too long.”

His sister gave him a little smile, hearing the regret in his voice.

“That's fine. Whenever.”

“Maybe in May. Late May perhaps.”

“It's fine Seb, whenever you can fit it in. You know where we are.”

“Mm.”

“Tell you what, why don't you have another hold seeing as you're off soon?”

 

Stefanie looked at her mother who had taken the spot beside her and Heike realised she was giving her a hint and got up to clear away all the empty mugs, allowing Sebastian to take her place, Mark naturally following to perch back on the arm of the sofa beside him while Seb took the chance to hold the baby for another few moments. She was awake again and staring up at him as she found herself being passed around. Seb smiled down at his niece and found an easier way to rest her on his knee while he only had to support her neck and head in the crook of his arm. As he now had a spare hand he reached up to touch her tiny nose and felt his heart warm as he got a little reaction from her.

“She's smiling,” he reported happily.

Mark leaned in to look over.

“Probably wind.”

“Ah no it's not,” protested Sebastian.

Mark nodded as he looked more closely. He didn't think babies that small really could smile, but if it made Seb happy who was he to argue?

“Yeah sweetheart, so she is.”

Sebastian smiled down at her again, sure that she was looking back at him.

“We will try and come back soon,” he repeated, almost as if he was telling her, not his sister.

“We'll send you lots of pictures,” offered Stef.

Seb looked up at her.

“Oh will you? Yeah that'd be nice. We could get some printed up couldn't we?”

“Sure,” confirmed Mark.

“I could take a picture for you,” offered Fabian suddenly, getting up from where he'd been demoted to sitting on the floor.

“Make sure you turn the flash off Fabe,” reminded Stefanie.

“I will.” Fabian fiddled with his mobile phone for a moment then looked at Mark and Seb. “Smile then.”

 

Mark leaned in a fraction and put his arm around Seb's shoulder. Sebastian looked out to the camera as his brother hit the button to take a couple of snaps with them giving him a smile. Then Seb looked down at Sofie, stroking her soft little cheek and staring into her eyes once more.

“She really is beautiful,” he murmured, then looked up at his sister. “You're very lucky.”

Jan had moved to sit on the other arm of the sofa so he could be near her, so he answered.

“Yeah we know.”

Seb nodded then went back to staring at his niece wanting to make the most of seeing her. They'd be gone soon.

  
  


 

 

  
  


A couple of hours later they were sat on a plane once more, Mark reflecting that Seb's wish that they could magically transport themselves from place to place sounded more attractive every time they had to do this. As the little light above them came on telling them that they could undo their seatbelts they settled down together more. Seb dropped his head back on Mark's shoulder.

“Tired?” asked Mark.

Sebastian sighed.

“I dunno. A bit maybe. At least this is a short flight. I don't think I'm ready to think about the one to Aus yet.”

“No, well...”

Mark put his arm around Seb thinking he did seem a little off. Maybe it was tiredness fitting in the family visit right after testing, or perhaps it was worrying about how things would go when they got to Melbourne? He gave him a little squeeze, trying to cheer Seb up.

“Are you missing your little travelling companion?”

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled, “your bunny.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Not mine any more. Besides I have my travelling companion.”

He put an arm around Mark's front and snuggled in.

“I might just have a nap.”

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian closed his eyes and let out another long sigh before relaxing and slowly dropping off. Mark puffed out a breath wondering if he could manage a little nap too. Seb was always better at it than he was. Mark wasn't looking forward to the longer flights across the world that were coming their way any more than Seb was, but it was unavoidable. At least they would be as together as they could be. That meant even more travelling but until Seb's wish came true that was simply unavoidable.

  
  


A short while later Mark's phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to answer, seeing a text from Fabian. Mark glanced around to be sure that none of the air stewards had heard and were about to come over to tell them off for forgetting to switch off their phones. Mark shut off the noise, then was confused for a moment as the buzzing continued until he realised that it was Seb's phone buzzing too, although clearly not loud enough to wake him up. Mark pressed some buttons on his phone and looked to see Fabian had sent through a series of pictures. He supposed the size of the data sent must have delayed it coming through.

Mark smiled to himself as he scanned through the succession of pictures; mostly very similar shots of Seb holding the baby beside him, both of them smiling to camera. Mark smiled again as he looked closer and thought that Seb had been right, Sofie really did look as if she was smiling. They were nice pictures. When Sebastian woke, Mark thought he'd have to suggest again that they got some printed up, maybe Seb could get one for his wallet like they had with their wedding photos to cheer them up when they were far from home?

He swiped over the screen to scroll through them all. There was a nice one where Seb glanced back over at him and they were looking at one another. Mark moved on through until he got to the last shot. Sebastian wasn't looking to camera in this one. Mark presumed he must have thought Fabian was done taking pictures, so he'd shifted his attention to looking back at his niece. He was gazing at her. Mark smiled, thinking how Sebastian had spent most of the weekend doing that. He was glad they'd fitted in the visit to see her before the season started. If the baby had been late instead of early then they probably would have had no choice but to wait until they came back from Australia and Mark was sure Seb wouldn't have been too happy about that.

 

Mark settled back and studied the last picture again. Sebastian looked so enraptured with the baby. It really was sweet how attached he'd got, but then Sofie was his first niece, so it wasn't that surprising really. Mark recalled being pretty thrilled himself back when his sister's first child was born and he became an uncle. Seb would love being an uncle he was sure. They'd have to get back to visit whenever they could.

He looked a little closer at the photograph, frowning slightly as it struck him that Sebastian was really smiling for the camera in nearly all the pictures except the last. In this picture the smile was still there, but it was only for Sofie. Mark stared as it struck him and he saw there was more to it than appeared on the surface. The smile was softer, but it didn't reach his eyes. Seb's blue eyes that Mark knew so well. He had studied them too many times not to interpret them correctly. There was a depth to them so often that others missed and Mark saw it captured in that quick little shot. Seb was gazing at the baby with love, but there was something else there.

Mark took in a sharper breath as he saw what it was. He looked _sad_. Not on the surface. Sebastian was too practised to let anything like that show obviously, but hidden beneath, too familiar for Mark to miss it, there in Seb's eyes he saw a look of deep sadness, and Mark suddenly realised with a shock what he'd somehow missed all weekend. Seb wasn't sad because he knew they were about to leave and he wasn't sure when he would see his niece again. It was all too transparent now that Mark really saw: It was far more profound than that. Those blue eyes spoke of regret and there was something almost worse there; resignation, as if Seb accepted it and somehow that just made him all the sadder.

Mark took a careful breath, sure that any moment he was going to tear up. He closed his eyes then pushed the breath back out before looking down at Sebastian lying asleep against him. What the hell were they supposed to do now? Mark didn't know, but he did know they were in trouble.

 

When Sebastian woke at the tannoy announcements that they were coming in to land he sat up with a start, disorientated for a moment until he felt Mark's arm around him and remembered where they were. Mark was looking down at him and Sebastian frowned at his expression.

“What?”

Mark just gave a little shake of his head. They needed to talk, but here wasn't the place.

“Have a good sleep?”

“Oh, sure.”

Sebastian was almost certain there was something else there, but maybe he just wasn't awake properly yet.

“Your brother sent through some pictures,” explained Mark, “just don't let the stewards catch you looking at your phone.”

Sebastian smiled and sat up properly, pulling out his phone before putting his seatbelt back on and sneaking a quick look. They were nice pictures. At least he had these.

  
  


  
  


 

It was another couple of hours before they were settled back at home, the dogs fussed over, their bags put away and a simple dinner stuck in the oven. They sat down at the kitchen table, petting Shadow and Simba while they got their breath back with a cup of tea. Mark sat sipping his drink wondering how on earth he tackled bringing up what he needed to.

“Um, Seb?”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian looked at him so openly Mark was thrown again. He knew it was chickening out but he just didn't know how to do this.

“Um, yeah seeing as we've sorted out when Fabe's coming over maybe we should get our diaries out, transfer some more dates to see when we'll both be free.”

“Oh right, yeah that's a good idea,” agreed Seb. “We could see when we could visit again.”

“Sure, sure.”

They could talk properly after dinner. That would be better wouldn't it?

 

Mark did the washing up and gave Seb a smile as he dried up. It felt false and Mark hated that. They weren't meant to lie to one another and not to say something about a matter that was clearly so important would be a lie of a kind. He had to be brave. Mark helped put the last few things away then turned to Sebastian.

“Why don't we go sit in the lounge?”

Sebastian folded the tea-towel away on the rail to dry.

“Do you want another cup of tea?”

“Oh, um, sure.”

Mark distracted himself with the dogs, giving them each a rub in turn and thinking how much simpler their lives were. Why did his life always have to be so complicated?

 

“Mark, tea.”

Sebastian was by him offering out a mug with a smile and Mark felt guilty, as if he was blaming Seb for their life being complicated. That wasn't fair. It wasn't Seb's fault that things were the way they were.

Mark stood up and accepted the mug with thanks and they went through to the lounge, the dogs trailing them as ever.

“Do you want to put a film on?” asked Sebastian.

“Hm? Oh...”

Mark was so tempted just to say yes. That would be the easy option: Just say yes and they could settle in together nicely as they always did; cuddled up on the sofa, the dogs at their feet, the world forgotten as they relaxed together. It was tempting, but it was wrong. Mark knew if he didn't do it now then the moment would pass and he would never dare tackle what he needed to and if they did that, Mark wasn't sure what the consequences would be.

 

“Sweetheart can we talk?”

Sebastian furrowed his brow and Mark just wanted to stroke his cheek and tell him how cute he looked when he did that. Instead Mark took a deep breath and dove in, knowing it was now or never.

“Seeing your sister this weekend... it just... it made me think. We've never talked about that,” ventured Mark.

Sebastian's face was impassive and Mark swallowed as he risked continuing.

“Kids. We've never talked about kids, us I mean.”

He felt Seb tense against him and they locked eyes for a moment, both unable to think what to say.

“It's the sort of thing most couples talk about before they get married,” Mark noted with a sigh.

“We're not most couples,” let out Seb.

“No.” Mark took in a breath and puffed it out. “Most couples take more than a few weeks to get married.”

“Are you saying we rushed it?”

“No, no, sweetheart I'm not, I'm just...” Mark sat up a little to turn more into him. “Why did you never say?”

Sebastian looked back at him in shock. A rush of adrenaline shot through his veins and his skin prickled.

“I... I didn't realise.”

“You didn't?”

Seb shook his head sharply.

“I never thought about it. I just...” He shrugged. “I never thought about it before, not until I was holding Sofie and...”

Sebastian trailed off. It had hit him right in the gut. There in his arms, smiling up at him; something he could never have.

 

Sebastian shook his head trying not to think about it. If he did, Seb was sure he would cry.

“It's okay,” he dismissed.

“Seb...”

“No it's fine.”

Mark looked at him and knew it wasn't.

“You want kids.”

“It's okay. I know you don't.”

Mark frowned.

“But we've never discussed it.”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“I remember you saying in interviews.”

“That I didn't want kids?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark tried to think back. He been asked all kinds of things in interviews over the years that he'd had to come up with quick answers to.

“I don't remember saying that.”

“You said you'd never have kids,” recalled Sebastian.

“Did I?” Mark tried harder to retrieve the memory. “Were you there?”

“Yeah. When we were team-mates.”

“Oh.”

Mark tried to picture it. A joint interview somewhere far away, years ago when he had no thought about the consequences of his words. They were throw-away lines for a reporter. He couldn't have known what it meant to Seb hearing him say them.

“I'm pretty sure I said I didn't think I ever would,” he tried.

“Isn't that the same thing?” asked Seb.

“I'm not sure.”

 

Sebastian pressed a nail into the palm of his hand trying to distract himself.

“What does that mean?” he risked.

Mark shrugged helplessly.

“It means I never really thought about it either. In my old life even thinking about it would have seemed ridiculous.”

“Me too.”

“Right.” Mark looked at Sebastian again. “But now seeing Sofie's made you think you want kids.”

“I didn't say...”

“You don't need to.”

Seb looked down, trying to stay composed.

“Are you saying you don't?”

“I don't know,” admitted Mark. “But you do.”

Sebastian took in a steadying breath and looked back up at him.

“It's okay if you don't,” he offered.

“Is it though?”

“Of course. It's alright. I just... it just hit me when I was there that's all. I wasn't expecting it,” Sebastian confessed.

“Me neither.”

“So what are you saying?”

Mark puffed out a breath.

“I don't know darling, I really don't. You know I'd do anything to make you happy. Anything, but I can't just say yes to this.”

“I'm not asking...”

“But it's what you want.”

“It's okay. It's fine,” insisted Sebastian, knowing that any moment he was going to lose the fight not to cry. He couldn't do that. It would be like using emotional blackmail. He _mustn't_ cry.

 

“I just need some fresh air.”

“Seb?”

Sebastian pushed himself up off the sofa and didn't look back as he walked quickly from the room. Mark ran both hands through his hair.

“Shit.”

He saw both dogs looking back at him before they ran off to follow Sebastian. Mark sighed knowing he ought to do the same, but he wasn't one hundred percent sure what he would say, or even if Seb wanted him to follow. He took a deep breath and knew that he had no choice.

 

Mark went through to the hall and wondered whether Seb would have gone to the bathroom, but then he'd said he needed air so Mark went into the kitchen and found the back door open. Sebastian was sat on the back step looking out into the darkened garden, the dogs piled in on him as he stroked them. Mark paused for a moment then went over and dipped down by Seb.

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian rapidly brushed away a tear, not wanting him to see that. He'd been too lost in himself to hear Mark approaching.

Mark put a hand on his arm.

“Darling please don't run away.”

“I'm not, I just...” Seb took in a shaky breath. “I'm sorry Liebling I don't mean to.”

“It's okay. Are you alright?”

“I didn't want to make you feel bad,” Sebastian explained.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark sadly. “Can I sit with you.”

“Course.”

Seb gave the dogs a little push and they reluctantly moved off him to go and sit in their basket. Even without looking, Mark was certain they were watching him.

“Do you want some water?”

Sebastian nodded, thinking that might help settle him. He felt stupidly shaky, but then whenever he got upset that seemed to be the case. Especially when he was trying to hold it back. That always perversely made things worse.

 

Mark went and fetched some water, passing it to Sebastian before squeezing himself in to sit by Seb on the back step, thinking of the times they'd been here before.

Sebastian took a few sips, then turned more into him.

“Sorry Liebling. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.”

“No I know. That's okay.”

“I'm sorry. I just. I really hadn't thought about it until this weekend. It never seemed real before. You know, not for me, not actually in my life. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark, “that makes sense. But now it is real.”

Sebastian took another sip of water and nodded.

“How did you know?”

Mark gave him a little smile.

“The photographs your brother sent.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Am I that transparent?”

“Only to me sweetheart.”

 

There was a pause, then Sebastian dared pushing again.

“You still haven't said.”

“Hm?

“What you think.”

“Oh.”

Mark sighed. He couldn't lie to Seb. Sometimes it was more of a curse than a blessing.

“Yeah... I just, look sweetheart you know I'd want to do anything for you...”

He'd promised. Damnit he'd promised and he'd meant it, but he hadn't realised quite what he was promising. Mark looked at Sebastian, silently begging him not to let those big blue eyes look sad again. If he saw that, Mark knew he might be lost.

 

“Sweetheart I can't just say yes. I can't, I... it wouldn't be fair. To you even.” Mark shook his head. “I can't just say yes to make you happy even if part of me wants to, a big part of me... I just want to give you everything, anything you want, but I can't. I can't just say yes to having a child. If I'm not sure, then it wouldn't be fair on them. It's not just some little thing.”

“I know that,” interrupted Seb.

“Yeah,” sighed Mark. “It's a lifetime commitment. It's not something I can just... I don't even know how I feel. I've honestly never considered it and it's really not something you just leap in with like we usually do.”

“I know.”

Sebastian looked up at him, doing all he could to sound even and composed.

“It's alright Liebling. I wouldn't ask that of you. I'm not. It's okay. If... If you don't want children then I understand.”

“But you'd be disappointed?”

“How could I be disappointed when I have you? I never dreamed I'd get this lucky.”

Sebastian gave him his best smile and Mark thought his heart would break on the spot. Even now Seb didn't want to push for too much, to hope too hard, to risk what he had.

“Sweetheart...”

“No it's okay Liebling. I'm already so grateful.”

“Seb don't say things like that.”

“I am though.”

“I don't want you to be grateful.”

 

Seb looked away into the darkness. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. If he got this wrong could he push Mark away? Could it damage what they had? Even the idea of that made him want to panic. He couldn't lose Mark. Sebastian drank some more water, a horrible sickness swilling in the pit of his stomach.

“I need time to think,” tried Mark.

“Yeah. That's okay.”

Sebastian still wasn't looking at him. Neither of them were sure if what he said was true.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh, trapdoor...


	125. Avoidance Tactics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, off we go to Australia again. I could certainly use a trip myself with the weather we're having.

 

* * *

  
  


 

The journey out to Australia had been quiet even allowing for the fact that they spent as much of it as possible sleeping. They hadn't talked about the matter that had arisen after their visit to Germany again since Sunday night. Mark had promised to think about it, but the truth was he'd really been _avoiding_ thinking about it. He wasn't the only one though. Seb didn't dare think about it because thinking meant hoping and he didn't dare hope when he knew how devastating it would be to risk getting his hopes up only to have them dashed. He knew Mark would never intentionally hurt him, but Seb also knew Mark couldn't be dishonest either and to agree to what Seb wanted if he didn't want it too, just to make him happy would be a terribly dangerous form of dishonesty.

Instead they just went along as normal, pushing difficult and troubling matters to the very back of their minds, hoping that would make them feel better, each trying in their own way to make things up to the other by being extra kind and thoughtful, but knowing that despite that, or maybe because of it, things weren't quite right.

  
  


Arriving in Canberra they were collected by Mark's parents who made no comment about their quietness, only assuming that they were tired by their long journey. The following day they assumed it was jet-lag. The day after that Mark's mother took a moment alone with her son to ask if perhaps Seb was worrying about the media when he got to the race in Melbourne to which he could only shrug and say he was a little. It wasn't a lie. Mark knew Seb was anxious about how things would go when they got there. He spent the rest of the day trying to think of things that would distract Sebastian and cheer him up a bit.

Alan and Diane had been so keen to offer their congratulations on their marriage in person when they had arrived and that had at least made them feel more positive and it had been nice to see the way Mark's parents had their wedding photos framed and on display already, just as Seb's parents had, even if their happiness on their behalf had never been in doubt.

It didn't feel as if they had time for any of the adventures they'd managed on their previous visit, but they did take another walk out with Mark's parents around the open spaces of Canberra itself seeing as Sebastian had only ever seen the airport. Sebastian hung onto Mark's arm as they walked beside the river in the sunshine. It was rather more manicured than the wilds they had visited last time, but it was a pleasant place to be nonetheless. Diane had brought a picnic so they sat in the park to eat it, chatting about plans for the family visiting the paddock and the barbecue Alan was holding the next day. Seb smiled and relaxed, genuinely not worrying about anything for a while.

Maybe that was the trick, thought Sebastian. Just to fill his days and his mind with nice experiences and be glad of this little spell of peace before everything kicked off. Mark parents were so kind and Mark himself was making such an effort. The day before they had just sat out in the garden in the sunshine after going for their run and had a long chat about how they were going to deal with the race weekend and Sebastian had felt so much better after it. There was no point torturing himself with fantasies of what could be when the family he already had was so incredible.

  
  


 

 

When all Mark's family gathered on the Sunday for the barbecue, Mark thought the boost of extra people would help and to an extent he was right, with all of them offering a fresh raft of congratulations on their marriage now they saw them in person. Although of course he should have guessed that his sister would have tonnes of questions for Seb, asking him all about his sister's new baby and just as he had when his mother had asked about it, Seb had been unusually reticent. Mark knew why that was. It felt unfair for Sebastian's genuine happiness at the arrival of his niece to be tainted by the complications that had arisen as a result, but it seemed unavoidable that the two were inextricably linked.

Young Ryan of course was full of excitement about his prospects for the following weekend, so Sebastian focussed his attention on him, telling him all about the prep work he'd been doing on the sim and asking if Ryan thought he'd be good at that.

“I'm really good at computer games.”

“Ah well you'd probably be a whizz at it,” Sebastian smiled.

Dean ruffled his son's hair, smiling back at Seb.

“He'll be trying to steal your race-seat at this rate.”

Sebastian laughed and gave a tip of his head.

“If only you were a smidge bigger.”

“I'm trying,” insisted Ryan.

“I'm sure you are. I'm certain you've grown since we were here before Christmas,” assured Sebastian, although he still thought that his nephew was probably small for his years and still very much a child, much as he himself had been at that age.

Ryan smiled happily and subtly tried to make himself stand a little taller.

 

Mark looked over from where he was now helping his Dad set the barbecue burning properly and smiled at how well Seb was getting along with his family before the thought struck him again how good with kids Sebastian was. He let out a sigh and looked back down at what he was doing.

“Alright?” checked Alan.

“Hm? Oh yeah.”

“You're not worrying about the weekend are you?”

Mark puffed out a breath.

“No not really.”

“How have the team been with you since things went public? Porsche I mean.”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno. Fine really. I mean they say they're fine.”

“But you think they aren't?”

“Well the team itself, yeah I mean they've always been fine, so that's okay and my team-mates were really nice about it, but...” Mark puffed a breath. “It's so hard to tell. I don't think Andreas would say.”

“If they had a problem you mean?”

“Yeah. I mean if it was a big thing I guess he would, but we had so much trouble last year... I think he just wants it all to calm down.”

Alan nodded.

“Well I'm sure it will be by the time your races start up.”

“Yeah. Hopefully. I'm doing a couple of interviews in Melbourne that the PR team set up, so with any luck that should keep them on side.”

Alan huffed a breath and shook his head.

“You shouldn't have to be worrying about anything like that.”

“Yeah I know, but still. I dunno. I guess at least I've got the new contract.”

“Well I suppose that's true, but it's still not right you should have to think about it like that,” his father argued.

“No, well... It's much more on Seb than me. He had a pretty rough time in Barcelona.”

“Did he? I thought you said his person had spoken to the media to get them in line,” recalled his father.

“Britta? Yeah she did, but even so, it's hard for him. Seb makes it look so easy but he hates it really. You know they just go on and on at him. It isn't fair.”

“No it's not. Ah, oh well Mark you'll just have to see how it is in Melbourne. We'll all be there. I'd hope that would be a help,” Alan offered.

Mark gave his father a smile.

“Course it will. I know Seb appreciates it and coming here too, that's a help, you know, just to adapt and relax a bit before it gets hectic.”

“Well I'm glad. Anything we can do.”

“And don't be offended if he can't spend much time with you and everyone when we get to the race,” Mark added.

 

Alan laughed and clapped his son on the arm.

“Mark we came to F1 races with you for years. We know the score.”

“Yeah, course, sorry.”

“Don't be worrying about any of that. Seb does what he needs to, you do what you need to to support him and we'll just be around in the background.”

Mark smiled at him.

“Thanks Dad. I think just knowing that will be a help.”

“No problem. Right. Less gassing, more cooking. Pass me that chicken,” instructed his father.

 

Over by the kitchen door Diane, Leanne and the girls were ferrying drinks, salads and plates out to the couple of tables set ready at the edge of the garden. Leanne turned to her mother as Jemma and Abbey went back inside to fetch cups.

“So how are they then?” asked Leanne.

Diane shook her head.

“Hard to tell really. They seem fine today.”

Leanne looked over to see her son animatedly talking to Sebastian who had ducked down to be in his eye-line.

“Are they still worrying about the fact they got married without telling us?” wondered Leanne.

Diane puffed a breath and shook her head.

“Well they shouldn't be. We've told them often enough that the most important thing is that they're happy.”

“Cos you know Seb had a bit of trouble with his family,” Leanne reminded her, recalling the conversation she had had with her brother a few weeks ago when he had rung up to get it off his chest as Mark so often did when things got difficult.

Her mother nodded.

“Yes well I think his family are rather more complex. I'm sure they had a very hard time last year after his accident. You never know how that's going to affect people.”

“You'd think that would just make them all the more happy they're happy,” suggested Diane.

“True. Ah well, he says they came round and it sounds as though everything was okay when they visited to see the new baby.”

“Mm.”

The girls came back out and they continued arranging things before going over to see how the rest were getting on, but Leanne was sure something was still up. She always knew with her brother.

  
  


 

It was some time later in the afternoon that Leanne went into the kitchen for something and found her brother standing at the sink looking out of the window at the family gathered in the garden.

“Mark?”

Her brother flinched slightly then tried to hide it by washing up the cup he had come in there with. Leanne went to stand next to next to him, putting a hand on his arm and looking at him more closely.

“Are you okay?”

“Hm? Yeah fine. Sorry I just... my mind just drifted there.”

Leanne nodded slowly, still examining his face.

“What is it?” she pressed.

Mark turned to her, knowing he had never been any good at hiding things from his sister. He looked at her in silence for a moment, wondering if he could talk to her, if it would help. He knew he could trust her, but Mark wasn't sure if it would be a betrayal of Seb to do so. It was about him too though and Leanne always gave such good advice. He wasn't getting anywhere on his own.

“Mark something's bothering you,” intuited Leanne.

Her brother sighed and she saw him glance out of the window into the sunlight garden again. It wasn't hard to guess who he was looking at.

“Is it Seb?”

Mark sighed heavily again and his sister shook her head.

“Come on, whatever you're worrying about, I'm sure it'll be okay.”

Mark huffed an ironic laugh.

“I'm not sure this time,” he admitted.

Leanne frowned.

“Why, what's the matter with him?”

“Nothing's the matter with him. It's me.”

“What do you mean it's you?”

Mark raised his hands to rub over his face and Leanne put a hand on his arm.

“Come on, why don't we go and have a sit down for a minute?”

Mark glanced outside once more, then turned to her.

“Yeah okay. Can we go upstairs?”

 

Leanne was even more concerned about him suggesting that, but she nodded and followed him upstairs. Mark didn't lead her into his room. For some reason it felt wrong to discuss Seb in their room, although why that made it worse, Mark didn't know. Instead he walked into Leanne's old room. The place where many years ago as a teenager he had ended up when he felt he had no one else he could trust and where he had confided his secrets to his sister, so often finding out that she had at least partially guessed them already.

Mark sat down on the bed and his sister sat by him, already knowing that it must be something serious. She gave him a moment, then prompted her brother.

“Okay, so are you going to tell me what it is?”

Mark took in a deep breath and pushed it out slowly.

“I'm not sure... I don't want to feel as if I'm telling you Seb's stuff.”

“Okay, but you do want to talk to me?”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked down for a moment, then back at his sister.

“If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone. I mean _anyone_ , not Dean, not Mum and Dad.”

“Mark.”

“No really Leanne I mean it. I'd feel bad enough as it is, but if you tell anyone... I really can't.” He shook his head and sighed. “Seb would be hurt and I can't do that any more to him than I have already.”

Leanne looked shocked.

“What do you mean you've hurt him?”

“Not on purpose. I'd never do that, but... Yes I think so. Not that he'd admit it. He never wants to think I could do that. I don't want to think that, but it's true. I've been mishandling this I'm sure and I know I upset him. Sometimes I make such a _mess_ of things.”

 

Mark swallowed and closed his eyes. Leanne leaned in closer seeing how upset he was. She waited while he took a steadying breath and blinked several times, trying not to cry.

“Oh Mark, you'd never hurt him.”

“I don't mean to. I'm trying not to, but I know I am.”

Leanne rubbed his arm.

“Come on now, I'm sure you're letting yourself think it's worse than it is.”

Mark puffed another breath and shrugged.

“Tell me what's going on. I won't tell anyone, okay?” assured Leanne.

Mark nodded slowly.

“No one?”

“No one. I promise. You trust me don't you?”

“Of course I do,” Mark agreed.

“Alright then, so what is it?”

 

Mark rubbed his hands over his face once more before explaining the situation to his sister. Once he'd got started it was easier than he'd thought it would be. He supposed that was always how it was. His sister listened and let him have his say before asking a few careful questions.

“So have you talked about it since?”

Mark shook his head.

“I think we've done everything to avoid talking about it.”

“Right.”

“I mean we're okay, but it's like it's there hanging between us.”

Leanne nodded.

“And I feel so bad about it because a part of me just wants to say yes, just to do whatever he wants to make him happy,” Mark continued.

“Mm, but you haven't?”

“No.”

“Is it because you've decided already?”

“No. Really Leanne. I just honestly never thought about it and I just feel so thrown.”

“But this is a week ago now.”

“Yeah.”

“So?”

Mark shrugged.

“It's just not something I'd thought about.”

Leanne gave him a look.

“Well then bloody think about it.”

“ _Leanne_.”

“You can't go on hiding behind that Mark. It's not fair on Seb.”

“I _know_ that,” let out Mark in frustration.

“Well then what are you doing? For godsake Mark. If you know what this means to him, you owe him more than just saying nothing but you don't know.”

“I know, I know, I just... I don't know what to think and every time I do I just worry so much that I'm letting him down and I can't do that. I'm not meant to let him down. I _promised_.”

Mark's voice cracked and his his sister relented.

 

“Alright, alright.”

Mark took a sharp couple of breaths and a tear leaked out before he roughly brushed it away.

“I feel awful about it. I... Seb, he, won't push it. I know he won't even bring it up. He wouldn't have then if I hadn't seen what I did in those pictures. He'd never have risked it.”

Mark looked at his sister, appealing for her understanding.

“That's the thing you see, about Seb. He still doesn't really think he's worthy. He's grateful to have me. How awful is that?”

Leanne looked at him sympathetically and Mark just gave her a little shake of his head.

“He's better than he was, but even now he's too scared to ask for too much.”

“Of you?”

“Of life. His life.” Mark took a shaky breath. “I've told him over and over that it's not like that, but I know a part of him can't help thinking that way. It did something terrible to him when he was younger. It broke something inside him, the way he was taught to feel about himself. It doesn't quite go away. He's been getting better, but still...”

“Ah Mark,” sighed his sister.

“And that's the thing you see. I just want to make it all better. To make him happy. To give him everything he wants, anything I can do.”

 

Leanne sighed again and put her arm around him.

“So you want to say yes to him, and yet you haven't?”

Mark shrugged helplessly.

“I couldn't just say yes.”

“No,” concurred Leanne. She looked at him carefully. “Because you don't want kids, or because you're not sure?”

“Because I don't know how I feel. Honestly Leanne I'm not lying. I'd never thought about it. It just never seemed like an option. You know? It just wasn't anything I could imagine being a question in my life.”

“Okay, but now?”

Mark shook his head.

“I still don't know. The only thing I know is that I can't just say yes to make him happy, no matter how much I want to. If I did that I think we'd wind up in so much trouble.”

“Yeah,” sighed Leanne. “I can see that.”

“So what do I do?” appealed her brother. “I know I'm handling all this so badly. I think I'm just making it worse.”

Leanne sat back a little to look at him.

“Well you need to think about how you really feel. If you genuinely don't want children you have to be honest with him.”

“I know. But I don't know how I'd do that.” Mark looked at her seriously. “I think it might break his heart. How could I do that to him?”

“Mark if it's how you feel then you owe him the truth. You know this.”

“Yeah.”

“You always say how strong he is, and you love him.”

“Of course I do.”

“I know, and he knows it too. You'd find a way. It might be difficult, but you would. The alternative might be better for a while, it might seem easier, but in the end you know it would be a disaster.”

“Exactly. And I couldn't do that to him, or god forbid some poor kid.”

Leanne nodded and sighed.

“Ah Mark, always the hard road for you.”

“And Seb. He's being so good. I know he doesn't want to pressure me and he's trying so hard to act like everything's fine.”

“Yeah well he loves you too. Okay. So...” Leanne took a decisive breath. “If that's how it goes, that's how it goes, but... I mean Mark, you like kids. I'm really not trying to push you to say yes, but you've always loved being around my kids and they adore you. I think you'd make a wonderful father. Seb too.”

Mark rubbed his face again.

“I do love your kids, but being an uncle's not the same thing as being a dad. It's full-time, complete commitment, permanent. I don't even know how we'd manage it with our careers.”

“You'd find a way. People do you know.”

“I suppose.”

“Plenty of other drivers have families.”

“Not ones with _both_ parents driving.”

“No, well... I don't know, I imagine they have other things going on, careers and that. It's not the 1950's.”

“True.”

“So I don't think that should be your worry. It's whether you want it at all that's the heart of the matter and I think the problem is that you can't think straight about it because all you end up doing is thinking about Seb instead. Am I right?”

 

Mark managed a half-smile for his sister being so perceptive as ever.

“Yeah I guess you are.”

“Okay, so you need to clear your mind of that. I know that won't be easy, but you need to be a little bit selfish about it and just think about the issue in isolation, not in terms of Seb.”

Mark threaded a hand through his hair.

“Yeah okay.”

“But you need to do it Mark. You can't keep just saying you don't know. That isn't fair on Seb.”

“I know.”

“Either way.”

“Yeah.”

“And I'm not saying rush it. Obviously you need to be sure, but you can't go putting it off forever, particularly if as you say, Seb won't bring it up again. It's up to you.”

Mark nodded.

“If you leave it and think that's an answer for him, you'll just break his heart another way,” continued his sister.

“Oh god Leanne don't say that.”

“I'm sorry Mark but it's true.”

Mark let out a heavy sigh.

“I hate this. I'm meant to protect him from being hurt. I can't stand the idea that I might be the one to hurt him.”

“I know. Look you'll find a way through this. You always do, don't you?”

“I suppose.”

 

Mark closed his eyes and thought about how he knew Seb would just quietly accept it and pretend everything was fine, but that sadness would lurk inside, eating away at him, maybe both of them. That wouldn't do. He had to be strong and face this.

 

He felt his sister rubbing his arm and looked up at her.

Leanne gave him a sideways tip of her head, not entirely sure she had told his brother what he wanted to hear.

“Have I helped?”

“Yeah course. You always do.”

“I'm sorry I don't have any easy answers for you.”

“I don't think there is an easy answer here,” accepted Mark.

Leanne nodded and her brother looked at her.

“You don't seem all that surprised,” Mark noted.

Leanne tipped her head to the side.

“No well, to be honest Mark I'm not entirely.”

“No?” frowned Mark.

Leanne shook her head.

“I mean you've always said how Seb's good with kids.”

“Have I?”

“Yeah,” smiled Leanne, thinking how her brother tended to give things away without realising.

“Oh.”

Mark furrowed his brow even further, wondering when he'd done that and whether there ought to have been signs this was coming down the track that he meant he should have anticipated it.

“You'll work it out Mark, okay? As long as you deal with it properly I'm sure you'll come out the other side.”

“Mm, I suppose.”

“Are you worrying what would happen if you said no?”

“Yeah.”

Leanne nodded slowly.

“Yeah,” she echoed.

“I can't stand thinking that I might damage what we have. He means so much to me. He's my whole world Leanne.”

“Ah Mark course he is and you're his world. That'd still be true whatever wouldn't it?”

Mark puffed out the longest breath. He did know that surely? The idea of him and Seb splitting up was utterly inconceivable.

“I don't think either one of us could live without the other to be honest.”

“No I think that's very clear,” agreed his sister. “So you'll find a way through this.”

Mark nodded and sat for a moment quietly just letting his sister's advice sink in.

 

“Yeah okay. Thanks.” Mark looked at her sincerely. “You really won't tell anyone will you?”

“No Mark. I've promised not to. You know you can trust me.”

“Yeah okay. Sorry. Mum especially, you know she'd go nuts and then I'd have another thing to deal with.”

“Yeah alright, I'm not going to add any more to your worries.”

“Thanks,” sighed Mark heavily.

He took a deep breath then set his shoulders back.

“I'm just gonna go splash some water on my face, sort myself out.”

“Sure.”

Mark stood up, then turned back to his sister.

“I will do what you said, just... we've got to get through this weekend first.”

Leanne nodded. She wasn't going to press her points any further. Her brother and Seb had such complex lives, no wonder Mark thought twice about bringing a child into the equation.  
  


  
  


  
  


It was night-time. Mark looked himself in the mirror, reflecting, ironically enough, on the day. He did feel better for talking to his sister. It might not have actually changed anything, but it did feel as though he had made some kind of progress, even if it was just the agreement that he would deal with things, rather than hiding his head in the sand completely. Which wasn't to say he felt any closer to making an actual decision, or even to talking to Seb about it, but when he had gone back downstairs and out into the garden earlier he had been slightly more relaxed and the smile he had given Sebastian when he sat with him had been genuine. It did feel better, if not perfect. Maybe they just didn't get to have the easy life? Even when they hit a smooth patch something always seemed to crop up to throw them off course.

He sighed and shook it off. Thinking like that was only going to drive him mad. They had a hectic week to deal with and the most important thing was that he was there to support Seb through it. Mark picked up his toothbrush and set to getting ready for bed.

  
  


A few feet away Sebastian sat up in bed already changed into his pyjamas. Mark was taking his time in the bathroom, but then he'd disappeared for a while in the afternoon and Seb was fairly sure it hadn't been just to do some washing up, not when Leanne had disappeared at the same time. He hadn't asked Mark about it. What good would it do? Mark had seemed in a somewhat lighter mood afterwards and Sebastian guessed he had Leanne to thank for that. He half-expected Mark to say something, but he hadn't, not even after Leanne and her family had departed. They'd simply made themselves useful tidying up, then in the evening after dinner they'd sat peacefully on the sofa with Mark's parents watching whatever was on TV. There was nothing wrong with that he supposed. Sebastian knew he had to trust Mark would talk to him when he was ready, but he'd found himself staring at their wedding photos that were so proudly displayed in the lounge and it made him think.

  
  


Mark came back through from the bathroom, changed and climbed into bed next where Sebastian was still sat up.

“Aren't you tired?”

Sebastian shrugged then suddenly leaned into his side, putting his arms right around Mark's middle and dropping his cheek into Mark's shoulder, his eyes turned up to him.

“We're alright aren't we?” he asked a little anxiously.

Mark sighed and turned slightly to wrap his arms around him.

“Course we are darling. Everything's gonna be fine, okay?”

“Okay.” Sebastian lifted up his head to look at Mark. “I do love you Liebling.”

“Ah sweetheart I know that,” sighed Mark.

“What you said about us getting married so quickly?”

Mark frowned, wondering what Seb meant.

“A week ago,” clarified Sebastian cautiously, not wanting to venture too deeply into that dangerous conversation.

“Oh.” Mark suddenly realised what Seb was getting at. “Oh darling, no I didn't mean we got married too fast, that wasn't what I meant at all.”

“You're sure?”

“Of course I'm sure. No I said that really badly. Of course we should have got married. We didn't get married too quickly. If anything we took _way_ too long to get round to it.”

He gave Seb a look and risked a little teasing smile.

I'm sure we'd been unofficially married for ages anyway sweetheart, don't you?”

Sebastian gave him a smile back and nodded, relieved to hear Mark say so even if he was sure he'd been paranoid for allowing himself to imagine he could have meant anything by the comment.

“Like we were unofficially together ages before we really were,” suggested Seb.

Mark nodded and gave him a little squeeze.

“Yes darling, exactly. I'm glad we did it properly though. I'm very happy to be a Vettel-Webber, aren't you?”

“Yes, very much so. I don't care what anybody says about it.”

“Me neither. Best day of my life and I'll tell anyone that.”

“Mine too,” agreed Seb. “I never imagined being married, but I'm very glad we did.”

“Good. I didn't mean to suggest we'd rushed it Seb. That was a stupid thing to say. I'm sorry.”

“No that's okay. I just... Well I just wanted to be sure what you meant.”

“I said it really badly. Sorry.”

Mark nearly continued to say he probably hadn't expressed anything well in that conversation and he didn't want Sebastian worrying about it, but he wasn't sure if he was able to get back into all that just now. They were busy making things better ahead of a potentially trying race weekend, he didn't want to complicate things, so Mark left it.

“No that's okay Liebling,” assured Sebastian. “I just wanted to be sure we're alright.”

He gave his arm a rub and leaned in to kiss his forehead.

“We're going to be fine darling, whatever happens. I love you and you love me and no matter what happens that will _always_ be true.”

Seb sighed into him, feeling something inside him relax. He knew they still weren't addressing what had come between them, but he believed Mark when he said that. They'd been through so much and survived. Surely that would be the case now? He squeezed Mark a little tighter.

“I'm glad you're here with me.”

“Course I'm here,” assured Mark. “I'll always be here.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thank you. And me for you.”

“I know darling. Come on, let's get some sleep.”

Seb nodded. Maybe this was best? Just keep things simple while they were here. They could forget about anything else until they went home. He was just going to push it totally out of his mind. They shuffled down into bed together, staying as close as they were before. Seb resting the side of his face into Mark's chest.

“Your family are so lovely.”

“You'll probably be sick of them in a week's time.”

Sebastian pushed up to look at him, only to see Mark smiling as he teased him.

“No I won't. It'll be nice to have support, like I've got everyone backing me.”

“You do have us all backing you.”

“Yeah.”

“And your family too sweetheart, you know they're supporting you from back home.”

“Yeah I know, but it's just nice to have people actually there.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You won't be able to move for us.”

 

Mark still knew they were avoiding talking, but now they had to concentrate on the race and besides he really hadn't had chance to think about it. He needed a bit of quiet to get his head around it and right now Seb needed him to focus on supporting him through what could be a tricky race weekend. Maybe after they got home he'd find the time? He hadn't lied to him. He really _did_ intend to think about it seriously. Just not here, not right now.

  
  


  
  


  
  


On Wednesday Mark and Sebastian settled into their hotel in Melbourne. Mark's family were only due to join them at the weekend so for now they were on their own. Then again seeing as the rest of the RedBull team and several other F1 teams were based at this hotel close to the river in the heart of the city, that wasn't entirely true. Sebastian had been in for a chat with both Christian and Britta while Mark pootled about sorting out their room. Britta hadn't wanted to get into too much detail, but she had gone over his schedule and Seb was reminded how busy he was going to be right for the off. Even on the Thursday he had several individual interviews planned as well as spending time working with the team and a few general media pools on top of that. This had been something else he had largely been successfully ignoring whilst with Mark's family, but he couldn't ignore it any longer.

As usual Christian was trying to start the season on a positive, so tonight was the team's inaugural meal. He brought the matter up only after running through everything else with Sebastian, still sat in the living area of Christian's hotel room.

“So you are coming tonight aren't you?” checked Christian.

“Oh, sure.”

Sebastian looked at him and his boss laughed at the way Seb was clearly trying to find a way to ask him something.

“Of course if Mark's free, he'd be very welcome,” offered Christian, guessing that was what Seb wanted to ask.

“Would he?”

“Of course.”

Christian smiled at how Sebastian sat up a little straighter at that.

“Mark's part of the family isn't he?” added Christian.

“You're sure it wouldn't be weird?”

“No not at all. Mark knows everyone doesn't he? He's in the garage so much he's practically still a member of the team anyway.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah I guess. Thanks.”

“Right, well seven o'clock then, we're keeping it relatively early seeing as we've all got a busy day tomorrow.”

“Sure, no problem.”

“I'll see you both there.”

Seb nodded and got up to return to his room.

 

“Hey.”

Sebastian smiled as he saw Mark turn around from fitting away some of their things into the drawers in their room.

“Hey.”

Seb went to sit on the bed and kicked off his shoes.

“Everything alright then?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. Oh Christian said if you'd like to come to the team meal tonight that'd be okay?”

“You want me to come?”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder, then nodded.

“If you want to, yeah, it'd be nice.”

“Fine, no problem.”

Mark went to sit by him on the bed, fitting his arm around Seb.

“We'll just have fun tonight yeah? No worrying about anything,” he proposed.

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb.

So what if they were in denial about any number of issues? Sometimes denial was just a way of coping.

  
  


  
  


A few hours later they walked along the corridor from the lift back to their room. As Seb paused to retrieve the key-card from his pocket to open the door he saw Mark smiling at him.

“What?”

“I was just thinking how a year ago we were sneaking around just to be in the same room because no one could know about us.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and opened the door.

“No more sneaking around.”

“No,” agreed Mark as they walked in.

He leaned in to kiss Seb and gave him a smile.

“Back then we thought we couldn't let anyone catch us together and tomorrow my darling we'll walk into the paddock as the Vettel-Webbers and look the whole world in the eye,” stated Mark confidently, hoping to instil a similar confidence in Seb.

“Yeah.”

Mark ran both hands down along Seb's arms as he faced him.

“You're not nervous are you?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Not of that.”

“Good, but?”

Seb shrugged.

“I don't know. Not of the world seeing us together. They've seen that plenty of times before and us being married... I don't care what anyone says or thinks, I'll be proud to walk in with you and to be a Vettel-Webber.”

Mark gave him a look.

“You've still not given me the _but_ ,” he noted. “Is the thought of the media still bothering you?”

“A bit,” Seb admitted.

“Okay.”

“I know it's stupid seeing as I did it all at testing.”

“It'll be better sweetheart,” assured Mark. “Britta'll be in charge.”

“I know, just...” Seb shook his head. “I'm being silly.”

“You'll be fine.”

“I think maybe it's the interviews.”

Mark nodded.

“The personal stuff?”

“I just feel out of practise. I mean I know I did of couple of individual ones in Barcelona, but only on racing stuff and not big sit-down TV ones.”

“You're in charge darling, okay? You only say what you want to. If they ask something you don't want to talk about, just say so and they'll cut it out.”

“I suppose. They're probably going to bring up the accident again and coming back.”

“Well if you don't want them to, then tell Britta.”

Sebastian nodded distractedly and Mark pulled him into a proper hug.

“It'll be fine,” repeated Mark softly. “Just think, I'll be doing the same thing at the same time, so we will sort of be together in a round about sort of way.”

Seb finally huffed a little laugh as he looked up at him.

“In a round about sort of way,” he agreed ironically.

“Best I can manage,” smiled Mark.

“Thank you.”

“You've done this a thousand times before. You always do great Seb. You're a pro.”

“I guess.”

“Don't let it get on top of you.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath.

“Okay. Thank you Liebling.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Come on, let's get ready for bed.

 

Ten minutes later they settled into bed, Seb leaning into Mark who rubbed a hand over his arm.

“Don't be thinking of tomorrow.”

“Yeah I'm trying not to.”

“Do you just want to go to sleep, or..?”

Sebastian turned further to raise an eyebrow at him.

“Or?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Or anything you like darling. I can think of some nice distractions if you want?”

“I'm sure you can,” agreed Seb.

Mark stroked his hand more slowly over Seb's arm.

“So?”

Sebastian shifted his head a little closer on the pillow.

“I think I could use a little distracting Liebling.”

Mark took advantage of the fact he was closer and stole a kiss.

“I was hoping you'd say that,” he smiled.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning they arrived early at the circuit and were glad to find that they could walk through the paddock largely unobserved, though Seb took Mark's hand nonetheless. As they walked into the RedBull base Sebastian wasn't sure whether he'd worked himself up about this for no reason. As Mark had pointed out any number of times, there was nothing new to it. Seb knew that, but worries nagged at him anyway. The sensible side of him reminded himself that he had been in far trickier situations when the press really were out to get him and when they'd been at testing all the work he and Britta had done did seem to have settled them down, but Seb knew being at a race was different.

As they went through to say a quick hello to Britta, Sebastian told himself again that she would manage the situation and just as Mark promised, he'd be fine. Once he'd got this first race weekend out of the way he'd surely be back into the swing of it all and it wouldn't seem so daunting? Hopefully anyway. Seb just didn't want to imagine what he might be faced with and if he was going to spend the entire time being faced with impossibly intrusive questions that he would be forced to constantly say no to answering. The only way to find out was to do it.

 

A while later Sebastian changed into his regulation RedBull kit ready to go. He'd slept well with Mark's help, but now he was back to feeling jumpy and strange. Mark sat on the bed watching him and knew Seb had gone quiet again. As soon as Seb was changed, Mark beckoned him over and indicated he should join him sitting on the bed.

“Sweetheart just have a drink, take a moment, yeah?”

He passed Seb a water bottle and Sebastian took a drink of water before looking at his hand, knowing that Mark could see, just as he could, that there was a tremor in his left hand.

Seb looked at Mark.

“Christ. What's wrong with me?”

Mark put his arm around him.

“Nothing's wrong with you.”

Seb gave him a look, thinking that couldn't be true, but Mark stroked over his arm.

“Nothing, okay,” repeated Mark. “It's just been a while.”

Sebastian thought about it. The last time he could recall doing proper in-depth sit down interviews was in Austin and that was nearly five months ago. Maybe that was it? There was also a part of him though that suspected Dr. Menton would tell him he was too busy repressing things at the moment and that tended to do strange things to his nerves. Pushing down too hard on his worries had a nasty habit of spilling out, sometimes uncontrollably so.

They sat that way quietly for a minute while Seb tried to pull himself together, knowing he was being irrational. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before turning to look at Mark.

“I should go. I'll be late.”

“They'll wait for you.”

“Hm.”

“You're in charge,” Mark reminded him.

Seb nodded.

“No one's going to push you around or bully you into talking about anything you don't want to. Britta's only got decent people in hasn't she? And she'll have laid the ground rules. A toe outside the boundaries and she'll leap all over them. Nobody wants that do they?” insisted Mark.

Sebastian gave him a half smile.

“Guess not.”

“You're just going to have a little chat with people who are interested in what you have to say. Maybe try thinking of the fact you're not really talking to the media, but the fans at home watching, talk to them instead?”

 

Though that naturally meant there were more of them, that was a less intimidating idea. His first interview was in German, so Sebastian thought how he could imagine he was talking to his family who would no doubt watch it, or even himself when he was younger, eagerly sitting in front of the television, lapping up every bit of F1 on television.

Seb nodded.

“Okay. I'll try that. I think I'll probably be fine once I get going.”

“Course you will.”

“At least I'm doing them here.”

“Home territory,” agreed Mark. “I've got to trek off to the media centre for mine.”

“Will you be okay?” Seb checked.

Mark huffed a laugh at Seb worrying over him instead.

“Course.”

“Okay then.”

Sebastian stood up, Mark copying him.

“Sorry, I've just been having a wobble.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head and stepped in to wrap his arms around him, letting Seb press his whole body in tight. Seb closed his eyes and let himself absorb that feeling of security and comfort it always gave him. They might have issues they couldn't speak about, but they could still communicate this way. They would be okay because they _had_ to be okay. These interviews would be okay. This race weekend was going to be okay. All true because Mark was with him, right here pressed into him, just as he was always with him.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian found Britta talking with Tanja to distract her from the fact that they were all waiting on Seb turning up.

“Ah there you are Seb,” greeted Tanja.

Sebastian turned on his smile and offered out a hand to shake.

“Yes. Sorry, running a bit behind. Sorry Britta.”

He glanced to Britta who nodded, making no comment about the fact that she had been on the point of going to go find him.

“We are all set up,” offered Tanja.

“Oh right, yes, umm.”

Sebastian glanced to Britta who intervened.

“If I could just borrow Seb for one moment?” she requested.

“Of course.”

 

Sebastian stepped over and apologised again, but Britta shook her head.

“You okay?”

“Mm.”

Britta nodded, doing her best to read him.

“Okay well we're only a few minutes behind, shouldn't be a problem. I spoke to all your interviewers yesterday and I've had another word with Tanja just now.”

“Sure.”

Britta leaned in closer to make sure that they weren't overheard.

“They know the rules, okay? Anything crops up you don't like then just say you'd rather not get into it and that's that. They know not to push.”

“Okay, yeah sure.”

“You good to go then?” checked Britta not wanting to lose any more time.

Sebastian nodded and used the fact he had his back to the television production team to hide the deep steadying breath he took. He turned around with an open expression on his face and went to take a seat. He took a sip of water from the bottle set out and agreed he was good to go.

 

Tanja smiled at him as the camera began filming.

“Sebastian, thank you for taking the time to talk to us.”

“No problem,” smiled Seb. “Always a pleasure.”

“And of course this is the first time we're sitting here speaking to you as Sebastian Vettel-Webber,” she noted.

Sebastian smiled and tipped his head in acknowledgement. This was just how it was going to be, he just had to go with it.

“Yes indeed.”

“How does that feel?”

“It feels much the same as it did before,” Sebastian asserted. “My name may have changed slightly, but I'm just the same person I've always been.”

“So it doesn't feel different to be married?”

“Well it feels very nice thank you, but to be honest, as I've said before, we were really just making things official.”

“I was wondering if that was why you chose to live in England?”

“Hm?” frowned Seb.

“Because of the law over there, regarding marriage.”

“Oh. No it's just a happy coincidence. Mark's lived there for twenty years.”

“I suppose so and as you always say, it is convenient for your work,” agreed Tanja.

“Exactly. Sometimes I think people look for there being more to it, when the simplest reason is actually the truth.”

Tanja let out a little laugh.

“There is always lots of speculation around you.”

“Is there?” Seb shrugged. “I prefer not to read it.”

“There has been even more recently...”

“No doubt,” interrupted Sebastian, trying to show he wasn't keen to discuss whatever it was.

“Perhaps it is not the ideal way to start your season?”

“Actually I can't think of a better way to start the year than the way we did,” Seb countered, “and testing has been very positive, so I'm looking forward to the season starting for real tomorrow.

 

His interviewer didn't fail to notice the way Sebastian had segued deliberately into talking about his work. She caught Britta's eye who was sat off-camera and nodded.

“I'm sure,” agreed Tanja. “I guess you will prefer to be in the car rather than dealing with all us media?”

Sebastian smiled, thinking that was never more true.

“I can't deny I'll be glad to get to work that's for sure.”

“And get away from all of us hassling you,” joked Tanja.

“Present company excepted of course,” smiled Seb. “Not all are as charming as yourself Tanja.”

Over to the side Britta smiled. She didn't know why she'd been worried. Seb always did this. She had no idea how, but he did.

  
  


  
  


Over in the media centre Mark was likewise sat with his interviewer, although thankfully there were no cameras present. First up he had a representative from Autosport whom he thought he could at least trust to be well-informed and less interested in the fripperies the media usually sought after.

“So you're itching for the Endurance season to get going?” asked Anthony.

Mark smiled.

“You could say that. We're not far off testing at least, so that'll be good.”

“You're keen to get behind the wheel.”

“Exactly. It feels like a long time since I was last on track.”

“Your season ended well though.”

“Could hardly have been better,” agreed Mark, “although obviously there's just that one step up we'd like to take.”

“The Championship.”

“Precisely, and I know that Porsche have been working hard all through the winter to put us in the best position we can be to start the campaign off as we mean to go on.”

“What would it mean to you, to win the Championship?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I guess you'll have to come back to me on that one. I wouldn't want to be presumptuous enough to suggest we think it's an easy get. The Constructors' Championship last year was a big deal.”

“Of course last year you missed a number of races, so that rather excluded you from really having a chance at the Drivers' Championship,” noted his interviewer.

“Mm, well...” shrugged Mark, not wanting to go into the reason behind that.

“It was a year of extreme highs and lows for you.”

“Yeah. To be honest mate I'd rather look to the future.”

“I'm sure, I'm sure,” recovered the reporter, hearing the note of warning in Mark's voice. “So um, you must be glad to be home.”

“Home? Oh of course, yeah.” Mark picked himself up. “It's a funny one really these days. I'm still a proud Aussie, but my home's been in England for a long time now. I'm very glad to be back though.”

“You're here for family?”

“In every sense yes,” agreed Mark.

Anthony cast an eye on him and risked venturing; “Of course regarding why you're here in Melbourne for the grand prix... Family reasons here too.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark firmly.

“So that must be a change?”

Mark shook his head.

“Nope, not really.”

“No?”

Mark shook his head.

“We were family long before we had rings on our fingers.”

He looked back at the journalist with a confidence that seemed to throw him. Anthony looked down at his notes as if consulting them, though he was really wondering if he could get away with asking just how long that had been true. Mark had been here last year and the year before when he had no official reason to be. He looked back and saw Mark patiently waiting and knew he wouldn't get an answer if he asked. No point pissing him off.

“So um... the new car.”

“Yeah mate, ask away.”

Mark sat back in his chair, hoping Seb was faring as well in his interviews.

  
  


  
  


An hour later Sebastian came back from popping to RedBull hospitality, carrying a coffee for himself and Britta. She'd offered to go, but Seb knew she had more work than he did as the last crew set up and he'd wanted a moment to clear his head. There were only a couple of people here for this last one as they were web-based rather than the larger television broadcasting teams from earlier.

“Hey Seb,” greeted the journalist as he leapt over, seeming full of boundless energy despite his age.

 _Old like a castle; Windsor castle. Peter Windsor._ Sebastian ran through his tricks to keep journalists' names in his head. Maybe he would remember more of them these days anyway, but he practised his little techniques as often as he could so he would be sure when he saw them again.

“Oh hi Peter,” smiled Seb. “Sorry, I should have offered to get you a coffee.”

“No no, I'm good.”

“Right.”

“Are you wanting time to drink that?”

“Oh.”

Seb looked down at his cup.

“You're welcome to drink as we chat. This is pretty informal.”

“Right, sure.”

“Britta informs me I'm the last in the line,” noted Peter.

“Um, yeah I guess so,” Seb agreed, not wanting to say how grateful he was that was so.

“Afternoon in the garage?” suggested Peter.

“Yeah that's right.”

“Sure you'll be glad to get down to business.”

“Mm.”

The journalist took the hint and they sat down to begin.

 

“So, Seb, how does it feel to be at the start of another season?”

Sebastian smiled, feeling far more relaxed than he had at the start of this morning.

“You make me sound old,” he joked.

“Ah certainly not from my point of view. I was here in Aus for the first F1 race here which was before you were born,” noted Peter.

“Really?”

“Oh yes, and of course it's home from home for me, although I don't think I'm any better with the jet-lag even after all this practise.”

Seb took a sip of his coffee.

“Speaking of which,” continued Peter. “How do you cope with that?”

Sebastian smiled and raised the coffee cup into view.

“Apart from caffeine? Oh well it's pretty unavoidable for all of us I think, but I've been out here a week already.”

“Have you?”

“Yeah we've been visiting family.”

“Oh I see, well that must be nice.”

“Yeah great. They'll actually be here this weekend,” volunteered Seb.

“Mark's family this is?”

“Well mine too now I guess, but yeah.”

“I see, well that's good. They've been supportive then?”

“All our family have always been very supportive.”

“That must make a big difference.”

“Yeah it does, whether they're actually at races, or at home. It means a lot to me.”

“I'm sure it does. And Mark of course, he'll be at races with you again this year?”

“Whenever possible, and likewise I'll go with him when I can.”

“That must be a bit of a headache with your diaries?”

Sebastian paused and puffed a breath.

“Not so much being at races. Like you mentioned at the start, it's the travelling.”

“Yes. On that, I don't know if you saw some of the articles that have been in the press this week, but how do you feel about the race calendar always extending?” enquired Peter.

“Mm, yeah it's a tricky one. Obviously we want to race, but there is a limit, or so you'd think. It's very hard on the teams when they have to be at tracks long before us drivers, doing all the preparations. The logistics of it all gets very complicated.”

“Even more so with the grand prix getting spread further afield.”

“Yeah that too. I mean we've had some great new races in recent years, but you don't want that to be at the expense of the traditional tracks with all their heritage and the fans that love the sport.”

“I couldn't agree more Seb. And of course as you say it can be a strain on the teams, especially those with families.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian kept his face unchanged, but something in his stomach squirrelled at that mention. Could they ever manage that even if Mark agreed? Would it be fair on a child to drag them around the world or leave them behind?

 

“And the chopping and changing with the calendar, that's upset some of the promoters,” continued Peter.

“Hm?”

“The changes.”

“Oh. Yeah,” replied Seb, not entirely sure what he was agreeing to when his mind had wandered.

“Stability's important,” continued Peter, oblivious to Seb's vague answers.

Sebastian nodded, thinking the same but in a rather different context. He took another sip of his coffee and tried to refocus.

 

“Speaking of stability, RedBull retain the same line-up this year,” noted the journalist.

“Uh huh.”

“And you're happy about that?”

“Of course. Dan's a great guy. Obviously it's my job to try to beat him on track, but away from that we get on well.”

“It must have been strange to have other drivers take your seat last year when you were away?”

Sebastian wanted to sigh. Why did people have to bring up his accident? Even the nice guys just didn't seem to realise how it felt to be reminded of that dark time. He glanced at Britta but he kept facing his interviewer, trying not to let any reaction show.

“It's not something I thought about,” Seb stated.

“Really?”

“No.”

“They had big boots to fill,” offered Peter.

Sebastian shrugged, feeling uncomfortable and Peter finally caught sight of the glare Britta was sending his way.

“Anyway I'm sure the team were glad to have you back.”

“RedBull were very supportive. Loyalty's important.”

“To you?”

“To everyone I would have thought, but yes to me. Loyalty, trust, I'd say they were essential in any relationship, personal or professional.”

“Indeed.”

 

Peter looked at him and wondered if he could risk another personal question.

“So, um, you had a pretty hectic winter by all accounts?”

“Oh I wouldn't say so really. Just seeing family mostly, oh and getting married.”

Peter smiled.

“And you'll be racing as Vettel-Webber now.”

Sebastian had to stop himself rolling his eyes. He was considering taking a count of the number of times people managed to get that into conversation.

“Yep.”

“And that's abbreviated to SVW officially for the FIA shorthand?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yep. I'm still getting used to it.”

“So will Mark be MVW?” presumed Peter.

“Yeah if they need to shorten it. Pretty straight-forward really.”

“It must seem bizarre from your point of view, the amount of energy people spend on analysing such things.”

Sebastian let out a laugh.

“Yeah I guess so.”

“The number of column inches spent on discussing what it means that your name is that way around...”

“It doesn't mean anything,” dismissed Seb.

“I'd assumed it was just going alphabetically,” offered Peter.

Seb huffed another little laugh.

“Yeah maybe I should take that explanation, but really I hate to disappoint people, there's nothing to it. We just went with what worked. It has no deeper meaning than that.”

“People have perhaps too much time on their hands,” Peter suggested.

“Ah well you might say that, I couldn't possibly,” smiled Seb.

“Speaking of spending your time, have you managed to fit in as much training as you'd like over the winter?”

“Um, yeah I think so. Even when we're away we continue our training. It doesn't really matter where you are, and of course we went skiing too so...”

“You went skiing?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian was so close to adding 'on our honeymoon,' but why give that out?

“Where did you go skiing if you don't mind me asking?”

“Colorado.”

“Ah, Lewis's favourite.”

Sebastian laughed.

“You weren't with him I take it then?” added Peter.

“No. Just me and Mark,” Seb replied, thinking how he couldn't have imagined Lewis wanting to be a gooseberry on their honeymoon.

“I didn't know Mark was a skier?”

“Mark's great at any sport he puts his mind to,” asserted Sebastian.

Peter huffed a little laugh at the instantaneous praise.

 

“That has to be an advantage,” suggested the journalist.

“What does?”

“Being married to someone who is also an athlete.”

“Oh, yes definitely. It takes up really quite a lot of our time away from racing, so yeah it's nice that we can do most of it together.”

“I'm sure.”

“We actually...”

Sebastian paused, realising he was giving away more than was asked, but he'd started now and really what harm did it do? He covered the gap by taking a quick sip of his drink as if he'd needed to wet his throat.

“...we also spent the winter getting a pool and gym built at home, which I guess must sound pretty flash, but it's just to make training easier.”

“Ah, well that must be handy.”

“Yeah.” Seb smiled a genuine smile thinking about how relaxing it was to spend time in the pool. “It's great. Especially as we spend so much time travelling. Having that at home is really nice. I find swimming very relaxing.”

“This can be a stressful occupation,” offered Peter.

“Mm.”

“I imagine you're looking forward to making a fresh start this year, hopefully with less stress.”

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“That would be nice.”

“You sound sceptical.”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder.

“I suppose we'll see.”

“Do you find driving stressful?”

Sebastian puffed out a long breath.

“That's a difficult one. There is stress involved because every time you get in the car there are pressures on you to perform, but in all honesty driving the car is often the least stressful part of my weekend.”

“Well that's good to hear.”

“It's more of an adrenaline thing. You want to do well of course and when things go wrong that can be frustrating, but mostly you just want to do justice to all the work the guys in the garage do and everyone back at base in Milton Keynes. That sounds like some PR line I'm sure, but I mean it. The support I got last year really meant a huge amount.”

“So you'll be happy to be back in the garage,” supposed Peter.

“I will.”

“Is that what you'll be doing this afternoon? I notice you aren't down for the press conference.”

“Ah well that'll be Dan who's drawn the short straw this time,” joked Seb.

“As our resident Australian of course.”

“Yeah, so I get to spend time with my guys getting ready for tomorrow. I can't say I'm disappointed about that.”

“I'm sure. And are you confident about how the car is going to go?”

“Well we'll see tomorrow won't we?” Sebastian smiled.

 

“Indeed we will.” Peter caught sight of Britta giving him a wave and knew his time was up. “Well that's a good note to end it on. Good luck for the weekend Seb.”

“Thank you.”

Peter offered out his hand and Sebastian shook it. He saved his sigh of relief until he and Britta were the only ones left in the room.

“That bad?” asked Britta.

“No, just...” Seb shrugged. “Glad it's done with.”

  
  


  
  


Five minutes later Seb was back in his room, pleased to find Mark had beaten him to it. He walked in to a hug and held on around his neck while Mark gave his back a rub.

“You're alright aren't you mate?”

Seb nodded against him, but he didn't let go.

“Hardest bit of your weekend over, yeah?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and finally let go to look at him.

“I suppose you're right,” he agreed.

“So all up from here.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah.”

Mark stroked his hand along Seb's arm and looked at him.

“It was okay wasn't it?”

“Yeah, nothing too bad. I just got all...” Seb sighed. “I don't know.”

Mark nodded. He'd bet none of those interviewers had any idea of what Seb put himself through with the media. None of the viewers either. He didn't need to be there to know that Seb would have smiled and joked and seemed pleased to be there.

“Always the pro darling.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“How do you know?”

“Because I know you. Now then. Let's have a nice relaxed lunch, then you can concentrate on the real business later.”

“Yeah. I have to admit I'm glad it's Dan that has to do the main press conference this afternoon, not me,” confessed Sebastian.

“His turn, plus it's his home race,” pointed out Mark, although he was equally glad Sebastian didn't have to go through another media ordeal. “The press will have to content themselves with him. I'm sure he'll grin his way through it.”

Sebastian nodded, not feeling in the least guilty that the media would no doubt be disappointed not to have an open opportunity to ask him questions without Britta there in charge. Dan would be fine. He seemed to sail through life with an ease that was unknown to Seb.

“Alright then?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. Sorry, I don't know why I got so worked up earlier. Stupid really. I just let it all build up in my head.”

“Nonsense. Forget it sweetheart. It's done now.”

“Yeah okay. I think now I'm into the swing of things I feel better.” Sebastian looked up at him. “I'm so glad you're here Liebling.”

Mark gave him a smile and another hug. The tension from before was gone. Thank god for that.

 

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


By the end of the day Sebastian was feeling considerably better. When he'd gone down to the garage once he'd done his media work he had still been a little distracted after a difficult morning and the appreciation that he was the one who had worried himself into making it so. He'd only exchanged a few words with his guys when he noticed them looking at one another and knew something was up.

“What?”

The mechanics smiled and pointed outside. Seb looked out into the pitlane wondering what he was looking for when they laughed and told him he had to go outside to see it. Seb stepped out, still unclear what he was looking for until a voice yelled from inside.

“Turn around!”

Seb turned and looked back into the garage only to see several of his guys grinning and all pointing upwards. Seb looked and finally saw what they meant. A smile crept across his face as he stared up at the name above his side of the garage in clear, bold writing: **Vettel-Webber**. There for all the world to see. Things might not be perfect at the moment, but Sebastian knew what that name meant to him, what Mark meant to him. They'd work it out, no matter how difficult things got, they had to.

Inside the garage Steve turned to Mike as they watched Seb standing gazing upwards, the warmest of smiles on his face.

“Thought that'd cheer him up,” commented Steve.

“Yeah. _Media_ ,” Mike noted darkly, knowing what had been occupying their driver earlier in the morning.

Steve rolled his eyes and shook his head, in his opinion everyone's life would be easier round here if the media were simply banned from the paddock.

  
  


  
  


The next day when he was in his room preparing to change Sebastian pulled out his race-suit and stroked his fingers over where his new surname was neatly embroidered on. He turned to see Mark smiling at him.

“Looks good doesn't it?”

Sebastian nodded, then looked back at the writing. Mark stepped over and stood behind him, wrapping his arms around him and resting his chin on Seb's shoulder.

“Can't wait to see it when I go testing,” Mark commented.

Sebastian turned his head a little and smiled at Mark.

“It feels good that it's going to be with me when I'm racing.”

“Yeah.”

“Seeing as we can't wear our rings.”

Mark smiled back at him and leaned around to give Seb a kiss on the cheek, then shot him a grin.

“Do you think they get paid by the letter?”

“Hmm?” frowned Sebastian.

“Whoever had to sew that. Takes 'em twice as long now.”

Sebastian laughed and turned slightly.

“It'll take me twice as long to do my signature.”

“Nah, I've been working on a new squiggle.”

“Oh?”

Mark gave a fractional shrug then let go of Seb so he could draw it in the air.

“Like this, kind of zig-zag-y M,V,W and a few loops in-between.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Very stylish. I'll have to do the same.”

“Mm. I'm gonna play a game today and see how many times they mess it up on the commentary,” explained Mark.

“My name you mean?”

“Yeah. Or comment on it. Perhaps I should do a tally chart.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Very productive Liebling. Let me know how it goes.”

“Will do. Now then, are you just going to stand there admiring your outfit all day or are you going to get ready?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and waved Mark out of the way so he could get on. His first day officially racing as Sebastian Vettel-Webber. It did feel good.

 

By the end of Friday Seb was thankfully still in a pretty good mood. Mostly due to the fact that they had achieved a decent day in practise, but also when he climbed out at the end of the second session and got a moment with Mark who told him that on the commentary they had got so tangled when they managed to miss-say his name that Crofty had collapsed into laughter before giving up and simply calling him 'Sebastian' for the final hour before ending by promising over the airways that he would get it right by the end of the next day if it killed him. As long as they weren't laughing _at_ his name Seb didn't care if they found a little amusement in it and as Mark was telling him about it, he assured Seb that they were laughing at their own failure to adapt, not them. That was fine, both Mark and Sebastian had to remind themselves when they wrote their name, they were all adapting.

  
  


Sebastian was in a fairly buoyant mood by the time he got to the garage to spend time with his guys and when Britta had come to take him for the obligatory introductory group media session Seb had afterwards it had seemed far easier to stick to their rule. Sebastian stood by her side and faced the crowd feeling strengthened by the knowledge he had coped earlier when he had agreed to open up. Now he had the shield of knowing Britta had told the press that he would only be discussing work in open settings. They could try their probes and he would smile and move on. If they overstepped the line then the paddock press had been forewarned it would not be tolerated.

Once he had got through it, Sebastian returned to Mark the one to give the hug. Mark smiled and looked at him as Seb let go.

“It was alright then?”

Seb nodded.

“Far better.”

 

He sighed and leaned in for another hug, closing his eyes as he rested his head against Mark's shoulder. Mark put his arms back around Sebastian and spoke into his ear.

“Course it was. I knew it would be.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian stayed in close, but he lifted his head to look at Mark.

“Thank you for being here.”

“Nah.”

“No really. I couldn't have done it without you. Yesterday especially.”

“Sweetheart you don't seem to have noticed you did all of it on your own,” Mark pointed out.

Seb shook his head.

“I don't do anything on my any more. Not really.”

Mark smiled and raised a hand to stroke his cheek.

“Family all piling in tomorrow. That's not going to make it more stressful for you is it?”

“No I'm looking forward to it.”

“Good.”

“Shall we go back to the hotel, make the most of being on our own?” asked Sebastian.

“Now that sounds like an excellent idea,” Mark agreed.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I'm sure you'll all be surprised to learn this is another two-parter...


	126. Extended Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's late but Sunday night requires a little cheering up, so I hope this qualifies on that score.
> 
> On to the second part of the chapter. Race weekend proper and a crowd around.

* * *

* * *

 

  


Saturday morning they arrived early at the circuit once more. Seb sent Mark off to meet his family while he got on with talking with his engineers about their plans for the day. The later running schedule for the weekend actually made life rather easier, giving Mark's family the option to fly in that morning and only need to spend the one night in Melbourne. It was still a while before third practice when Seb looked over from where he was having a chat with his mechanics around the car to see Mark appearing in the back of the garage, his family in tow. Seb's face lit up as he got an array of waves.

“Looks like the gang's all here,” joked Steve.

“Yep. Do you guys have a minute to say hello?”

“Course.”

Sebastian went over to greet them and receive hugs. He smiled to see Ryan was decked out in his full RedBull gear they'd sent for his birthday.

“Hey look at you.”

“I look like you Uncle Seb.”

“Doesn't he though?” grinned Mark, putting his hand on his nephew's shoulder. “We got time for a quick tour?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian proudly showed them around, introducing them to anyone who was free including Christian who came over from the pitwall to say hello, chatting with Mark's parents as he was so used to seeing them in this setting.

“Like old times,” laughed Alan.

“Certainly is,” agreed Christian. “So we'll have you all set up for FP3 in here.”

“You're sure it's okay?” checked Leanne.

“Of course. Seb asked about arranging this, oh, must have been last December.”

“Very organised our Seb,” smiled Alan.

Sebastian smiled, feeling a warm thrill at being so included by Mark's father.

“Good stuff. Nice to have you back, you're always welcome here. Well, if you'll forgive me I have to get on,” apologised Christian.

“No of course. Thanks again.”

 

Sebastian turned to Ryan.

“Right, do you want a look at my car?”

“Yes please.”

Seb walked him over and introduced him to his mechanics who all joked that he looked like a mini-Seb in his Redbull kit. Sebastian went and picked up his helmet from the side and let Ryan try it on, joking with his sisters that they probably wouldn't want to mess up their hair.

“Oh, um I guess,” agreed Jemma. “Uncle Seb?”

Sebastian turned from lifting the visor on his helmet so Ryan could look out properly.

“Yeah?”

“Is Daniel around?”

Mark laughed and Sebastian tried not to smile too much.

“He was in here before. I think he went for lunch.”

“Oh right.”

“He'll be around later.”

“Well you'd certainly hope so,” noted Dean, “otherwise Ryan really is going to have to drive one of these cars.”

The family laughed, Mark's father pointing out that the rather more obvious solution would be to put Mark in the other car.

“Oh to be honest Dad, the cars these days are so different I think I'd have a task on my hands.”

“Ah you'd adapt.”

“Maybe.”

 

Mark looked over and saw Sebastian leaning in to whisper to a couple of his mechanics. He caught Seb's eye and saw him smiling before he turned back to the family.

“So Ryan,” began Seb.

“Huh?”

Seb laughed and dipped down to speak closer so Ryan could hear him through the helmet.

“Do you fancy trying the car out for size?”

Even inside the helmet he could see Ryan's eyes widen. Seb looked to his parents.

“That's okay isn't it?”

“Oh yeah,” nodded Dean.

 

Seb turned to his mechanics who nodded and he walked Ryan over to the side of the car. His father went with him while Leanne and his sister grabbed their phones out, ready to snap some pictures.

Dean leaned in to his son.

“Now Ryan you be careful. Your Uncle Seb has to drive this car in an hour or so.”

“I won't touch anything,” promised a muffled voice.

“Right then,” intervened Mike. “You ready young fella?”

“Yep!”

Mark laughed at how high-pitched that came out and gave Seb a wink to let him know just how many brownie points he was winning right now.

Mike looked to Leanne.

“You alright if I give him a hand?”

“Oh course.”

“Right then. Just like getting into a canoe,” advised Mike to Ryan who nodded, Seb's helmet bobbling comically. He put his hands under the boy's arms and swung him up to lift him into the car, lowering him neatly in place so he didn't bang into any of the vital equipment.

Mark grinned and leaned into Seb to whisper; “They should do that for you.”

 

Sebastian rolled his eyes and waited while Ryan's family took photos, then found himself beckoned to duck down to be in the photo, first on his own, then with Mark, then swapped and took photos for them with the family in shot. That done he went back around and asked one of the mechanics for his steering wheel to fix it in place, then crouched down beside the car, talking Ryan through what all the controls on the car did, noticing how Dean and Alan went to the other side to watch as well.

“So what do you reckon Ryan, you fancy driving it?”

“Oh yeah.”

Dean shook his head.

“I don't think your mum would be so keen.”

“Ah I reckon he'd be good,” offered Mark.

His sister pulled a face and Mark shrugged.

“Good job Helmut's not around, he'd probably have you signed up as Toro Rosso's next rookie,” he joked.

“We're not going to get you into trouble are we?” checked Leanne.

“Oh I don't think so,” assured Seb, but he couldn't help glancing around and his sister-in-law noticed.

“Right come on Ryan, your Uncle Seb's been very kind, but I thought you said you were hungry?”

Mark looked to Seb.

“Have you got time to get lunch?”

“Um, yeah if we're quick.”

“Right, come on then Ryan.”

Mark stood and while Seb removed the steering wheel, he did the job of lifting his nephew out of the car and setting him back on the floor of the garage. Ryan pulled off the helmet and handed it back to Seb.

“Did you like that then?” asked Sebastian.

“Amazing!”

“You're very privileged,” reminded Diane. “What do you say?”

Ryan looked up to Seb, his eyes still thrilled.

“Thank you Uncle Seb.”

“No problem.”

 

The family thanked the team around them and headed back to the RedBull base for on Mark and Seb's part, a rather rushed lunch. Seb apologised to them to go change into his race-suit and Mark got up to go with him.

“You don't have to,” Seb offered.

Mark shook his head.

“You guys know where you're going now don't you?” Mark checked.

“Of course,” assured his father.

“Right well I'll go with Seb, you guys catch up. You only need to be there ten minutes beforehand.”

“We'll be there. You go on.”

“See you later,” parted Sebastian.

  


A little while later Sebastian was the one settling into his seat in the car. His mechanics assured him they'd had a quick check to make sure that its earlier occupant hadn't accidentally knocked anything. He was still smiling about how giggly the girls had got when he had introduced them to his team-mate. Dan had looked as if he didn't know how to react, but thankfully Ryan had broken the tension by helpfully pointing out that on their way to circuit they'd seen a poster with him on that was as big as a house.

“Most people say my mouth's that size anyway,” agreed Daniel, giving him one of his trademark wide smiles.

Seb had been tempted to point out that only made his mouth look as big as he had joked it was, but Dan was being too nice to all his visitors, so he had merely thanked him and led the family over to where they could watch the action from.

As he sat waiting now Sebastian reflected that this had actually been a great help having visitors as it meant he wasn't left with too much time to think about how the afternoon was going to go. He turned sideways and gave Mark a nod, getting a smile and a confident nod in reply. Sebastian smiled as Ryan gave him an excited wave, giving him and everyone else a quick wave back before lowering his visor and turning his attention back to the car and the voice in his ear reminding him of their immediate plan for running on track. Seb replied he had it and the mechanics all stepped out of the way as he put his foot down and roared out of the garage.

  


  


  


Before qualifying, Seb took some time to send his family messages, reassuring him that their midfield running in FP3 had been part of the plan and that he would as his brother put it; 'turn it on' for the more important session coming up. Mark had walked his family through the paddock to show them around but now he was back with Sebastian, his family safely deposited in the garage while they took their usual moment out the back on their own.

“You're all set then?” Mark checked.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah think so.”

“All to play for.”

“Yep. Could do with the sun coming back out for these tyres, but we'll just have to see.”

“Same for everyone mate.”

“Yeah spose.” Seb indicated over to the garage with his head. “They're all okay? I feel a bit bad I couldn't really give them any time between sessions.”

“Nah, they're good. They understand how it is. It's fine. Besides I think the kids are still getting over their excitement at the fact they were shown on camera.”

Seb huffed a little laugh, trying to recall a time when that was a novelty for him too.

“Did they say who they were, on TV I mean?”

Mark grinned and flicked his eyebrows.

“They said 'extended family of the Vettel-Webbers'.”

“No way?”

“Yep.”

“Ha, that's so cool,” smiled Seb.

“Yeah it is a bit isn't it?” agreed Mark. “Now then, before you have to go back through.”

Mark fitted his arms around Sebastian's waist and pulled him in closer to give him his good luck kiss. Just as they went to part they heard a noise and pulled away to look sideways expecting to see a team member fetching something, only to see young Ryan with even wider eyes than when he had been lifted into the car earlier on.

 

“Oh um, hi Ryan,” greeted Mark awkwardly.

Seb tried not to laugh and bit his lip as Mark finally remembered to let go of him.

“Um, yeah, they, um... I think they're looking for you,” stumbled Ryan.

“Right.”

Mark huffed a little laugh as Sebastian shook his head and they went through to the main garage. Seb off to his car, Mark to subtly pull his sister to one side to explain what had just happened.

 

“What were you doing?” asked Leanne.

“I just kissed Seb that's all.”

“Okay.”

“I think Ryan looked a bit shocked,” explained Mark. “We had no idea he was there.”

“Well that's my fault. I sent him through.”

“He couldn't have been there long.”

His sister laughed.

“How long were you kissing?”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno. The normal amount of time. It's what we do.”

“Kiss?”

“No. Well yes actually. We just have a moment alone, say good luck, go through any concerns he has, you know.”

“Right well... don't worry about it Mark. Ryan's twelve years old. He's seen people kiss before.”

“It was just an ordinary kiss.”

Leanne shook her head.

“I'm sure it was. Actually now I think about it he has seen it before seeing as you've kissed Seb at races when he's been watching.”

“Oh right.”

“I suppose it's a bit different in real life,” admitted Leanne.

“Two blokes kissing a bit weird for him?”

“No I don't think so, not really, but maybe it is a bit new. I suspect it's more that you're his uncle.” Leanne let out a little laugh. “You should see how horrified the kids look if they catch me and Dean kiss. Don't worry about it. I'll have a word with him.”

“Yeah okay, thanks.”

They went back over and Mark knew immediately from the way his nieces smirked at him that his nephew had wasted no time telling them what he had just witnessed. Mark knew he could do nothing but smile back and let his sister handle it. He reminded himself that they hadn't been doing anything wrong, but it still felt weird. Kids were bloody complicated.

  


  


  


That evening they had a large meal planned with all the family. With the later finish Seb couldn't get there until gone eight o'clock and even then that was after a contracted post-qualifying de-brief session. The fact that the race would start almost as late the following day did mean that the team had been able to make the call to continue their work on the Sunday however, so he didn't have to feel to guilty about it. He had insisted Mark go on with the rest, so as he arrived at the restaurant on his own, Sebastian stood at the entrance, looking around to spot them. He smiled as he saw them waving over and Mark stood up as Seb crossed the room to join them, automatically giving Mark a kiss on the cheek before they sat down.

“I saved you a seat,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Thanks.” He looked out at everyone else crammed around the table. “Hey everybody, sorry that took so long.”

“No worries,” offered Alan. “Normally takes far longer doesn't it?”

“Yeah we've just done the initial run-through, we'll carry on tomorrow when everyone's fresh.”

“Righto. Well we've not been here long. Mark said you were on your way so we haven't ordered.”

“Oh right, umm.”

Sebastian took the menu Mark offered him and quickly scanned it for something he could eat so they could finally call the waitress back over to place their order. It took him a few minutes to relax and switch off from all the work he'd been whizzing through, but once he did Sebastian was glad he had rushed here. Everyone chatted easily, half about ordinary family matters, half about their time at the circuit. Mark slipped his hand onto Seb's knee to give it a squeeze beneath the table and gave him a little smile.

“You okay?” he checked quietly.

“Yeah fine.”

Mark wondered if Seb wanted to talk some more about how qualifying had gone.

“You don't mind doing this do you?” Mark whispered.

Seb gave a tiny shake of his head.

“No it's nice. Good to forget all about stuff, you know?”

“Sure. That's alright then.”

As Ryan excitedly recounted how cool it had been to sit in the car to them all despite the fact they had been there at the time, Seb leaned into Mark beside him once more.

“Mark.”

“Hm?”

Seb glanced around and while the others were occupied in conversation he whispered quietly.

“So um, tomorrow...”

“Uh huh.”

“Christian mentioned before I left about the race and he said if we wanted, he reckons we could squeeze a little one in extra in the garage.”

Mark frowned slightly and Seb smiled.

“His words. He means Ryan, seeing as he's so keen. I think Daniel's got his lot in tomorrow but I guess one little boy wouldn't add too much. What do you think? Obviously you'd have to look after him and I don't know if you'd rather just focus on the race.”

“Ah.”

Mark huffed a laugh as he looked over at his nephew.

“I'm not sure he'd forgive us if we didn't offer. Better run it by Leanne first though.”

“The girls won't be jealous will they?” checked Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“I think they're rather less interested in the racing than the racers. Get Dan to sign something for them and I reckon they'll be happy.”

“Sure. I can sort that no problem.”

“Okay, right well don't say anything until I've had a word, yeah?”

“Course.”

  


An hour later most of the family were polishing off desert while Mark and Sebastian sipped rather less exciting glasses of water. Their nephew leaned in to his father to whisper something as he finished off his plate and Dean smiled and nodded.

“Back in a sec, we're just gonna find the loo.”

Mark took the opportunity to nip round and steal his brother-in-law's seat and speak to his sister before returning.

“What did she say?” enquired Seb.

“She said fine by her, but we'd better check with Dean.”

A few minutes later Mark caught sight of the pair wending their way back through the tables and he got to up to intercept them, sending Ryan on while he had a quick word.

“See really there's no room, but I think Christian saw how keen Ryan was today and reckons, well I mean a kid doesn't take up too much space.”

“Oh he'll be over the moon.”

“I'm sorry there's no room for all of you,” apologised Mark.

“Not at all. I'm sure we'll be more than happy being plied with food and drink in hospitality.”

Mark laughed and patted him on the back.

“Great. Leanne didn't think the girls would be too bothered and Mum and Dad have been in the garage any number of times.”

 

They got back to the table and resumed their seats. Dean leant in to his wife who nodded and looked out to her brother who was just whispering an affirmative to Seb. Leanne turned to her son thinking he had already been excited about the weekend, she wondered if he'd sleep on hearing the latest development.

“Now Ryan, seeing as you've been so good today your Uncle Mark and Seb have something they'd like to ask you.”

She nodded promptingly across the table at the pair of them. Sebastian looked to Mark telling him he should say it.

“Um yeah, so I hope the rest of you won't mind too much, but apparently Christian has said if you'd like we could squeak you into the garage for the race tomorrow.”

Ryan's mouth opened and he goggled at them.

“Seriously?”

“Yep. If you want that is?”

“Oh my god. Yes please.”

“Great, there we go then,” smiled Mark with a look to Sebastian.

Ryan looked to his father, frowning slightly.

“I thought you said there wasn't room?”

“Ah well,” interrupted Seb, “there isn't really, not officially, but seeing as you're only little and I think my boss was impressed with you turning up in full kit today, he said they could make an exception.”

“Oh wow.”

Ryan sat back in his seat looking suitably stunned with his good fortune and Sebastian turned to his parents-in-law.

“I hope you don't mind. I couldn't get everyone in on race day.”

“No no,” waved Alan, “we've been before often enough haven't we? We'll be very comfortable having a nice sofa to watch from.”

Sebastian smiled at them, relieved that as ever Mark's parents were accommodating to a fault.

“Thank you. Maybe next year.”

“Don't worry about it Seb dear,” smiled Diane. “It's very kind of you to get Ryan in.”

“Oh well it was really Christian.”

His mother-in-law smiled and shook her head.

“You've been very good welcoming us in this weekend when you're so busy. It's nice to be back isn't it Alan?”

“Certainly is,” nodded her husband, thinking it was nice to be at a race that was marginally less stressful given that it wasn't their own son they were watching race, although he suspected his wife worried almost as much for their new son-in-law racing these days.

 

Mark looked over to his nieces seeing his sister having a word with them, no doubt making sure that they weren't too put out that their little brother was being so favoured. He was fairly sure they only took a polite interest in his and Seb's profession, so hopefully it wouldn't cause too many ructions. Leanne sat back and looked to her youngest instead.

“Now you know you're going to have to be on your best behaviour for your Uncle Mark.”

“I will,” insisted Ryan sincerely.

“Of course you will,” agreed Mark. “It'll be even more manic in there than today so you just stick with me, alright kiddo?”

Ryan nodded enthusiastically and Sebastian smiled, thinking he couldn't have been too traumatised by what he'd witnessed earlier if he was keen to come back. Then again Seb knew that if been offered the chance to be in an F1 garage at his age, he would have agreed to almost anything to get the privilege.

  


  


 

  


The next morning Mark took his father, Dean and Ryan to go and stand at a gap in the pitlane wall so they could watch the classic car parade before things got too serious. He'd offered to bring the rest, but apparently sitting around drinking coffee in hospitality was a far more attractive option. Seb was already busy in the garage. He and Mark had arrived long before the others, but Mark had been left twiddling his thumbs until the rest of the family turned up and now he was enjoying watching his father showing off to his grandson telling him what all the cars were. When that finished, Mark went over to the garage to check on Seb, but he could see right away that he was busy so he just gave him a wave as they cut through and took the rest round to take a walk around the circuit, showing them good spots where they could catch some of the support races if they wanted to watch.

It was a long day with the delayed schedule Melbourne ran in order to try to fit in a little more closely with European times, so there was lots going on at the circuit to keep fans busy. As they came back around Mark met up with the rest of the family so they could take a wander around all the attractions and entertainments that had been laid on while he went back to see how Sebastian was faring.

 

He stood at the back of the garage, not wanting to intrude, but Sebastian spotted him and after saying a few more words to his engineers, came over.

“Hey. Where's everyone else?” enquired Seb.

“Oh just having a look around,” Mark explained. “Do you have time for lunch?”

“Um, hang on.”

Sebastian nipped back over and returned moments later.

“Yeah we're good. I need to be back in an hour for the photo though.”

“The photo?”

“You know, big start of season line-up.”

“Oh right. Yeah forgot. Ha, have to make sure you're looking nice then,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian pulled a face.

“You're saying I don't now?”

Mark winked at him.

“I wouldn't dream of it darling. Come on then. I'll let them know to come find us.”

  


Shortly after they were sat at the RedBull base, all gathered back together to make the most of the window of time Sebastian had free to be with the family before things got really hectic. A text came through from his brother just as they were finishing up and Seb apologised before checking it. As Seb opened the message Mark saw a softness come over his face before Seb almost visibly shook it off. He guessed before anything was said what the message featured.

“Anything important?” ventured Diane.

“My brother. Well actually him that sent it, but... he sent a picture of him with our niece.” Sebastian looked at her and offered; “would you like to see?”

Sebastian offered over the phone and Diane smiled as she saw the picture of Sofie held rested on Fabian's knee with the message attached:

FABIAN: All set to watch her Uncle Seb race for the 1st time!

Diane passed the phone around for various members of the family to laugh and coo at how cute the baby was.

“You should get her a little RedBull babygro,” suggested Abbey.

“Yeah, a little race-suit one,” agreed Ryan.

“Mmm.”

The phone had made its way back to Mark who looked at the photograph in turn before passing it back to Seb. He looked into Sebastian's eyes and they held each other's gaze for just a fraction too long, their faces carefully impartial.

“How old is she now?” asked Leanne.

“Hm?” Seb looked back over. “Oh, umm... two and a half weeks.”

“Aw, still tiny.” Leanne sighed and looked at her own children. “I can't believe you lot were ever that small now. Where do the years go?”

Her mother laughed and shook her head.

“Try being me dear.”

Sebastian's phone burst into life and he looked back out at the table.

“Oh sorry. He's calling.”

“Go take it,” encouraged Diane.

Seb stood and wandered over to where it was quieter.

 

“Hey.”

“Hey did you get my photo?”

Sebastian smiled at how enthusiastic his little brother sounded.

“Yeah I was just showing everyone.”

“Do you mean Mark's family?”

“Yeah we're just having lunch.”

“Should I call back?”

“No it's okay. I'm gonna have to go off to work soon.”

“Oh right.”

“So don't be offended if I can't answer anything.”

“No that's okay. Are you feeling alright about the race and stuff?”

“I'm fine Fabe. Sixth isn't so bad.”

“No of course, it's fine.”

“Is everyone there then?” asked Sebastian, changing the subject.

“Oh yeah they're downstairs.”

“This early?”

“Yeah everyone stayed over and then, well Sofie decided we should all be awake so I just got up.”

Sebastian laughed at his brother's description.

“She's loud then?”

“Yeah. Stef says it's normal but I'm not sure why she had to make such a racket when she was in the same room as her mum and dad.”

“I'm not sure babies come with volume control Fabe,” smiled Seb.

“No, spose not. Anyway do you want to say hello while you're free?”

“Yeah good idea.”

“Hang on, I'll just go downstairs. Mum got up as well so she's making coffee. Mel says she's not climbing out of bed until you're on the grid.”

Sebastian laughed again, but it wasn't unreasonable given the time difference. He waited while his brother went down to pass him around those members of his family were up ready to watch his race. He knew it wasn't just down to the baby waking them up that most of them were awake despite it being four in the morning back in Germany.

  


  


Mark looked over and saw Sebastian deep in conversation on the phone. He checked his watch and wondered whether he ought to say something. Any moment now he expected Britta to appear to sweep Seb off to his duties. Mark guessed he had a few minutes yet. Race days were always like this; hurry up and wait, remorseless schedules and everyone having to try to fit together, all to one end: the race. The minutes ticking down to the five lights going out. Seb was doing a pretty good job of not letting the pressure show, but Mark wanted to sure he knew that no matter what else was going on, Seb understood he was there for him.

He left it as long as he could, but Mark spotted Britta on the horizon and stood to give Sebastian a little wave so he had at least a warning to give him time to round off talking to his family. Moments later Seb came back over and Mark took a few steps across to meet him while Britta hung around waiting.

“All good?” Mark checked.

“Yep fine. Sounds like they're mostly up to watch the race.”

“Course they are.”

Sebastian turned as Britta approached them.

“Hey.”

“Hi Seb. Are you ready?” asked Britta.

“Um, yeah just let me say bye.”

 

Sebastian said his farewell to them all, then went to go with Britta. He looked at Mark who had stepped over with him.

“Are you coming with me?”

“Don't you want me to? frowned Mark.

“No course I do. I just thought you might want to stay with your family.”

“They're fine. I was going to walk down with you.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking how close an eye Mark had still been keeping on him through the weekend even though the media had in fact been reasonably manageable once they'd got going. He always seemed to attract a lot of attention in the paddock, but Britta had been very firm with any media attempting to approach him and they had soon given up trying door-stepping him. It was still pretty busy whenever he was in the press pen, but every time he went in there, Seb steeled himself to remember that he only had to give them what he chose and they really had no business asking anything other than work-related questions.

  


  


Mark snuck back through to stand where he had earlier, looking through from the pitlane out to the track were the drivers were being organised to sit in rows to smile dutifully for the cameras; The class of 2016. Mark smiled to himself as he thought about all the times he had done the same in the past: sat by Jenson mucking about like naughty schoolboys; Sat by Sebastian, sometimes easy and smiling, sometimes an odd tension there. _How_ had they not worked out what it meant? They really had been idiots.

Sebastian straightened his cap and smiled as Lewis beside him was reminded that he had to take his sunglasses off.

“Just too cool,” teased Daniel on Seb's other side.

Lewis tucked the glasses away and shook his head.

“We're looking into the sun,” he complained.

Sebastian looked at him, knowing it wasn't just that. Lewis had his armour just the same as he did. They all sat up straight as they were warned the pictures were being taken now. Seb couldn't help glancing sideways at his team-mate, thinking that his smile really did look as wide as in those enormous posters up around town. The thought made him grin wider and Seb was sure that the pair of them would look like prize clowns in the official photograph. Ah well, he really didn't care. It was a photograph, what was wrong with looking happy?

 

As they finished up and stood ready to walk over to the drivers' parade, Dan leaned into his side.

“Hey mate, I can see some hot bloke eyeing you up,” teased Dan.

“What?”

Sebastian looked to the side and rolled his eyes as he saw Daniel was indicating over to Mark who was watching proceedings through a gap in the pitlane fencing.

“Tsk, you're so funny. And what are you doing calling my husband hot?”

“Oh, um,” stumbled Daniel, suddenly worried at Sebastian's repost and how unimpressed he looked.

Lewis cracked up at seeing Daniel's face.

“He knew he was there Dan.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian joined Lewis laughing and patted Daniel on the arm.

“Course I did. But he's _mine_ so behave,” he reprimanded.

Daniel relaxed and smiled as he realised Seb was winding him up to get him back.

“Yeah mate, course.”

Mark waved over to Seb who waved back, smiling at him. As if he hadn't known Mark was there?

  


They went to go wait around for their classic parade cars and were interviewed in turn before they got in. As Seb reached the front he stood a little taller, ready to perform for the camera.

“Hi Seb, looked like you were enjoying that,” greeted the presenter.

“The photo? Oh well, just having a little laugh before it all gets too serious,” replied Sebastian.

“And I noticed you had a special spectator.”

“So did I,” Seb smiled.

“You've had a lot of support here this weekend.”

“Yes we have family here which does make it special,” Seb agreed.

“I suppose in a way this is like a home race for you now.”

Sebastian smiled. She wasn't the first to make the point.

“I guess that's true. By marriage I'm part Australian now.”

“And you're enjoying your time out here?”

“Yes we came out early to visit family and as I say they're here this weekend which is great. It makes the weekend feel much more relaxed when I'm not working.”

“That must be a help.”

“It is. I have my family at home supporting me as well of course which means a lot, especially when they've got up at the crack of dawn to watch.”

Seb waved at the camera and he smiled as he knew his brother would be almost bouncing up and down at him doing that. Seb didn't care whether it was the done thing or not.

“Hi everyone.”

The presenter smiled at him.

“You do seem relaxed today.”

“Yeah, well like I say it helps to have the support to put you in the right frame of mind. I'm very lucky to have so many people backing me.”

“And Mark is here.”

“Of course.”

“Is your mini-me going to be in the garage again?”

Sebastian laughed, knowing immediately who she meant. He hardly looked like him, but Ryan _had_ showed up in full kit once again today and he did a fair impression of a particularly short member of the team.

“That's our nephew. Yeah he'll be in the garage today.”

“A big race fan I take it?”

“Yeah, guess it runs in the family.”

“Well good luck today.”

“I might need it from sixth, but thank you.”

Sebastian moved on to be ushered to his vehicle. He sat up in on the back seat and waved out at the crowds in the stand opposite before looking for Mark once more. He smiled and gave him a special wave, hoping Mark knew it was just for him.

  


  


Not too long after that Seb was back in his little room at the base, Mark chatting to him as he changed, checking that Sebastian was feeling ready for the race. Seb finished pulling up his race-suit and Mark stood to do it up for him, making Seb smile as he did so.

“Have you got much more to run through with the team before you go?” enquired Mark.

“Nope. Just a quick check on temps and stuff but I don't think it's going to change much.”

“Righto,” Mark nodded, thinking though the dull weather wasn't attractive, it did at least make for steady conditions so the teams ought to know what to expect. “Good to go then?”

“Sure.”

  


They went to collect a by now very excited Ryan, and Seb received good luck wishes from the rest before they walked through the paddock. The crowds were milling about with little to do other than look up to the deafening air-displays that passed low overhead. As they neared the rear of the RedBull garage Sebastian spotted Lewis walking to his own garage and gave him a wave, so Lewis took a few steps over.

“Hey man,” greeted Lewis. “Hey Mark.”

“Hi,” replied Sebastian, Mark nodding hello.

“Who's this then?” smiled Lewis, looking down at their young companion.

“This is our nephew Ryan,” explained Seb.

Lewis took his sunglasses off and gave Ryan a smile.

“Hey. You're going to be watching the race in garage then?”

Ryan opened his mouth, but no noise came out as he goggled at Lewis speaking to him. Mark smiled and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Say hello Ryan,” he prompted.

“Um, hi,” mumbled Ryan shyly.

Sebastian shook his head at his friend.

“Star-struck,” he smiled.

Lewis huffed a little laugh.

“You'd think he'd be used to it with you guys around.”

“I think he's a bit of a fan aren't you Ryan?” commented Sebastian.

“Oh so you'll be cheering for me then?” grinned Lewis.

Mark coughed a laugh and shook his head.

“Check the outfit Lewis.”

“I'm supporting Uncle Seb,” piped up Ryan, finally finding his tongue.

“Course he is,” agreed Mark firmly. “Gotta have some family loyalty.”

“Exactly,” concurred Seb. “I need you cheering me on. Lewis doesn't need any help on the front row.”

“Guess not,” agreed Lewis. “Well, nice to meet you Ryan.”

Ryan nodded, then felt a little prompting tap from Mark on his shoulder and spoke

“Oh yeah, thanks, you too. Good luck.”

“Thanks,” laughed Lewis, before looking up to the other two. “Better go. See you on the grid Seb.”

Then with a friendly pat on Sebastian's arm Lewis rushed off to his own garage while they turned into the RedBull one.

“That pretty cool Ryan?” asked Mark with a smile.

Ryan nodded, still looking slightly stunned that his uncles could just have a casual conversation with someone as famous as Lewis Hamilton and he'd actually said hello to him. No one at school was going to believe this.

  


 

 

Mark spent the next fifteen minutes stood with his nephew, talking him through what was going on around them. Ryan stood watching, impressed with how purposeful everyone in the garage was. Both his parents had reminded him what a privilege it was to be here and how he had to be on his best behaviour and Ryan was taking it very literally, standing stock-still on the spot so he didn't get in the way. Nobody had time to speak to him as they had done the day before, but he could see how busy they were. Ryan secretly hoped that the cameras picked him up again so his school friends saw he was there. He knew they'd be watching as he hadn't been able to stop himself going on about how he was going to be here for months now, but he'd only told them be getting to do this on the Saturday, not the actual race. They were going to be so impressed.

 

Sebastian came over.

“You all set?” asked Mark.

“Yep we're good.” Sebastian paused as he looked down at Ryan. “Oh um, I was going to suggest... but maybe you should stay with Ryan?”

“Ah.” Mark looked down at his nephew, wondering if he was okay to be left for a minute or two. “Um, Ryan would you be alright for a moment if we just pop out back?”

Ryan frowned.

“Oh, okay,” he agreed.

Mark picked up the headphones the team were lending Ryan for the race and passed them to him.

“Right mate you have a listen on these and you can hear the engineers doing their checks, alright?”

“Um, sure.”

“Stay right here. We'll only be round the corner for a mo.”

He watched as Ryan pulled the headphones on, then gave him a nod to make sure he understood that he had to stay exactly where he was out of the way at the back before he and Sebastian went round to their usual haunt in the rear part of the garage.

 

As they stood in place, Mark grinned at him.

“Guess we'd better make this quick.”

Mark wrapped his arms firmly around Sebastian and pulled him in for a hug and a kiss, then stood looking him in the eye.

“So you're feeling good about the race?” he asked.

Sebastian nodded and shrugged at the same time.

“Yeah, pretty much. I know quali wasn't quite what we hoped.”

“Forget quali.”

“Yeah okay, well anyway.” Seb looked more serious for a moment. “Car feels alright, just...”

 _Not quite as fast as they'd like_ , was the unsaid end to that sentence, so Mark just nodded.

“Okay, well...”

“I'll be fine,” assured Sebastian.

“I know you will. Alright.” Mark looked into Seb's eyes and couldn't think what to say, so he shrugged and gave him a smile. “I love you.”

“Love you too Liebling.”

Mark stroked his arm and Sebastian smiled back at him, merely giving him a nod to tell him he really would be okay.

“Come on, we'd better go back through and check Ryan hasn't stolen my race-seat,” advised Seb.

 

They went back through and Seb paused with Ryan so he could say good luck which Mark echoed before he went off to have a last word with his mechanics and sort out his helmet and gloves before climbing into the car.

Ryan looked up at Mark and gave him a grin.

“Didn't you say good luck when you were out the back?”

“In a way,” smiled Mark.

“Mushy stuff?” Ryan teased, making Mark cough with laughter.

Mark clapped a hand down on his shoulder.

“Yeah mate, 'fraid so.”

Ryan pulled a face and Mark shook his head.

“One day you'll understand kiddo,” he insisted, only getting a shrug back.

“One day?”

“Yeah, ten, twenty years or so.”

“Twenty years?” Ryan rolled his eyes. “Uncle Mark I'll be like thirty-two.”

“Good.”

“You think I should wait until I'm that old until I kiss someone?”

Mark grinned and nodded.

“I'm sure your mum and dad would agree.”

“Hmm. I'm not sure I'm that fussed. Maybe ten years,” mused Ryan.

“Fair enough,” agreed Mark. “No rush.”

 

Ryan nodded distractedly. People had said some pretty weird stuff about his uncle at school, but then they didn't know him. Admittedly his uncles did seem to like kissing which wasn't something he particularly wanted to see, but they _were_ married so he couldn't quite see why anyone said it was wrong. His Uncle Seb waved over from where he sat in the car and Ryan waved back, not noticing the smile his Uncle Mark gave with his own wave and the way they were really looking at one another rather than him.

Moments later the car engines were fired up and Seb pulled out of the garage into the pitlane and off onto the track, Daniel's car alongside doing the same seconds later. Everyone in the garage seemed to shift up a gear and began grabbing equipment to rush out to meet them on the grid. Ryan heard his uncle take a deep breath and let it out in a slow puff as they stayed where they were.

“Are you alright?” Ryan asked.

“Hm? Oh yeah, fine,” Mark assured.

“Why don't you go with him?”

“Huh?”

“Onto the grid.”

Mark laughed.

“Can't sit in the car with him mate.”

“No I know that. I mean go with all them.” Ryan nodded after the team-members who had gone out across the pitlane. “Then you could meet him when he comes round.”

“Ah I see. No we don't do that. Just team-members on the grid.”

“Oh.”

“He's working mate, just gotta let him get on with it. Get in the racing mind-set,” explained Mark. “That's why we take a minute out the back. That's our time. Just to get a moment alone.”

“Oh I see. Um, sorry about yesterday,” apologised Ryan.

“Nah mate, no worries.” Mark gave him a wink. “Just grown-up mushy stuff.”

 

Ryan nodded, then looked up at the television screen to see as Mark did, that Seb was pulling up to a halt in his grid-spot. He saw the way his uncle gazed at the screen, seeming to forget he was stood by him until the shot cut away to the TV presenter talking to another driver.

“Do you like getting to watch him race all the time?” asked Ryan.

Mark looked back down at him and puffed out a breath.

“Kind of.”

Ryan furrowed his brow.

“Kind of?”

Mark shrugged.

“Yeah. I mean of course I want to, but it is sort of nerve-wracking.”

“Oh. Why? Do you worry he's going to crash?” asked Ryan innocently.

Mark didn't show on his face how that question made his stomach leap.

“A bit,” he confessed.

“But Uncle Seb's really good.”

“Yeah mate he is.”

“Could be worse,” offered Ryan. “You could be married to Maldonado.”

Mark cracked up and patted his nephew on the arm.

“Oh my god Ryan, small mercies. Thankfully he's not my type.”

“Guess you're lucky then,” grinned Ryan.

Mark shook his head and laughed again at the things kids came out with. It had broken the tension though. Sebastian was a good driver. He knew that. Mark just had to survive watching him do the start from mid-field and with any luck he could trust to the fact he _did_ know Seb was a good driver to get him through the race. He lifted his headphones and indicated to Ryan to put his own back on. Time to get ready.

 

Time rolled unstoppably towards the hour that signified the start of the race. Mark watched as the cars went around on their formation lap, then closed his eyes for a second in silent prayer. It was always the same prayer and it was never about any result of the race other than that Seb end it safely. As he reopened his eyes Mark saw his nephew looking up at him and gave him a reassuring smile. A child could have no concept of the joys and terrors love could bring. Even knowing of Seb's accident, Mark knew Ryan couldn't possibly understand how he felt right now: It was agony.

  


  


  


Just a little over an hour and half later Mark felt as though he breathed out again. It wasn't literally true of course, but it felt that way. As soon as he saw Seb safely cross the line Mark pulled his headphones off and said the second half of his prayer which amounted to one thing: Thank you.

Many from Daniel's half of the garage had gone to cheer him over the line in third, but Ryan stayed where he was, his headphones on until the last driver still running crossed the line a few minutes later. As he did so he looked up to his uncle who gave him a smile.

“Enjoy that then?” Mark enquired.

“Yeah it was cool. I love being in here for the pit-stops.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah that bit is pretty cool. Big job those guys do. Right then, do you want to go see Daniel on the podium?”

“Oh um, yeah I guess.” Ryan looked up at him. “Don't you wish it was Uncle Seb instead?”

Mark gave him a smile but he nodded.

“Yeah mate, course I do, but that's how it goes sometimes. He did good to get fourth from sixth today. Dan only held position and unless the Mercs gave up the ghost or did something particularly stupid today, we weren't getting past them.”

Ryan nodded at him seriously, trying to take it all in.

“He did do some really good overtakes at the start didn't he?”

“Yeah he did,” agreed Mark. “You tell him that when you see him won't you?”

“Yeah course I will.”

“Good. Right well Seb will be busy for a while, so do you want to go see the trophies given out?”

Ryan nodded, so Mark indicated over to the pitlane.

“Come on then, we'd better leg it.”

 

They headed out of the garage, but as Mark saw how crowded it was below the podium he put a protective arm around his nephew and guided them towards the back rather than pushing through.

“Can you see?” he checked, thinking that from his lofty height he was fine to get a view through the crowd, but Ryan was almost lost down by his side.

“Um, sort of.”

Mark looked down at him, thinking that mostly meant no.

“Right come on then, good job you're still a nipper.”

He ducked down a bit and hooked an arm under Ryan's legs to lift him up and his nephew put his arm around his neck to hang on as Mark kept him up as high as he could at his side. Ryan laughed and waved up at Daniel on the podium while Mark 'ooof'd' at how heavy he was these days. He managed to keep him up for the few minutes the ceremony lasted, glad that he was able to keep his nephew safe from pushing and shoving that went on amongst the media trying to get the perfect shot. It was no good being in that scrum; You needed to be either right at the front, or safe at the back like this. As soon as it was over, Mark carefully dumped him back down again.

“Good job you're not any bigger,” smiled Mark as they walked back with the herd to the garage.

Ryan looked up at him.

“Good job you're so strong.”

“Ha thanks. Your mum might kill me for that though.”

“Why?”

“Bit hectic mate.”

“I'll tell her you looked after me,” offered Ryan.

“You know which side your bread's buttered don't you?” smiled Mark. “Right come on then, we should go say thanks in the garage then I'll take you back.”

“Won't Uncle Seb come with us?”

“Nah mate he'll be a while I'm afraid.”

“Oh.”

“He'll come back when he can, but he has his media commitments first,” Mark explained.

“Oh right. I'd have thought he'd be tired after the race.”

“Mm.”

“Wouldn't he rather see you and get a hug or something before that?” asked Ryan.

Mark looked at him, thinking how the boy saw more than he let on.

“Yeah he would, but that's not how it works unfortunately. He'll be back as soon as he can. I'll give him a hug then.”

“Will that make him feel better?”

Mark gave him a smile.

“I'll do my best to make sure it does.”

They were back at the garage now.

“Right then kiddo, let's see if Christian's about and we can say thank you for him letting you squeeze in today.”

 

They walked in to the mild chaos of a team already beginning the first stages of pack up and Mark found the team boss just checking that all was in hand before he went out to speak to the media who lurked in the paddock.

“Hi Christian,” interrupted Mark.

His former boss turned around.

“Oh hey Mark. Not bad today all told was it?”

“No not bad. We're just off.”

“Ah right.”

“Thanks for having us in here.”

Christian smiled at Mark being so formal and looked down at the boy beside him.

“Did you enjoy it then?”

“Yeah it was amazing. Thank you very much for letting me be in here,” thanked Ryan, putting out his hand.

Christian chuckled and shook it.

“You're very welcome young Ryan. I'm sure we'll see you again.”

“We'd best be off. If you see Seb tell him we're back at the base,” requested Mark.

“Course.”

  


Mark took Ryan out into the paddock, looking for a path through the crowds that had formed now the race was over. As they cut via between the team trucks the nearly walked into one of the television crews.

“Oh Mark, do you have a moment?”

Mark shook his head and put his arm around his nephew once more to keep them walking.

“Sorry mate, on duty,” excused Mark without breaking his stride and shepherded Ryan on.

  


  


A few minutes later they were back with all the family, Ryan excitedly telling them all about it while Mark had a sit down and a drink.

“Thank you so much,” offered Dean.

“Oh no problem,” replied Mark. “Hope you guys were alright in here.”

“Course we were. He wasn't too much trouble was he?”

“Nah, good as gold. Weren't you Ryan?”

Ryan smiled happily and his grandfather looked over.

“Did we see you at the podium?” asked Alan, thinking he'd glimpsed them on TV briefly.

“Oh, umm.” Mark looked to his sister guiltily. “You might have.”

“Bet that was fun Ryan,” smiled Alan.

“Yeah it was cool. There were loads of people there.” Ryan caught his mother's eye and added, “Uncle Mark picked me up so I could see.”

“Did he?” asked Jemma.

Mark noticed his sister looking at him as well and wondered if it had been okay to have taken Ryan there.

“Well I hope you said thank you to your Uncle Mark for looking after you all afternoon,” prompted Leanne.

“Oh, um, thank you Uncle Mark,” offered Ryan.

“No problem.”

“Hey look he's on,” noticed Abbey, pointing up at the television screens.

Mark turned in his chair to face to the screen where Sebastian was giving one of his many post-race interviews in the press pen. Seb looked to be doing fine to Mark's eyes, although he would hold off judgement until he saw him in person.

 

 

Sebastian stood by Britta and smiled again for his latest interviewer. She asked a few standard questions about how he felt the race had gone and what it told them about the new car and Seb gave her much the same answers he had given to all those who had come before her, doing his best as always to make it sound as though it was the first time anyone had thought to ask anything so interesting.

“You're not disappointed with fourth then?” asked the interviewer.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head slightly.

“Well you always hope for the win, but it just wasn't possible today. We did all we could and I did at least move up the field, so that's something and the car does, fingers crossed, seem pretty reliable, so that's good.”

“But you hoped for more?”

Sebastian's smile remained firmly in place as he shrugged to camera.

“You just can't always have all that you want in life. You do your best, but sometimes you just have to accept that or it would drive you mad. It's just the way things are.”

“You still hope though?”

Seb looked at the camera.

“I guess. Sometimes you can't help still hoping.”

 

Mark stared back into those blue eyes and knew without looking that his sister had turned from the screen to look at him. He couldn't look back at her.

  


 

They sat passing the time until Mark saw his family all look towards the entrance and he turned to see Sebastian walking in through the doorway accompanied by Britta. He leapt up from his seat and went over to pull him into a firm hug while Britta went her own way. As he let Seb go, Mark gave him a smile then decided not to care that the whole family was watching and gave him a kiss to go with it.

“Well done darling.”

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“I couldn't really get any more.”

“Dan was too far ahead after that last pit. You did all you could sweetheart. Solid result. Good place to start the season.”

“Yeah I guess.”

Mark looked over to his family and started as he saw that Ryan had come over and was stood only a few feet away waiting. He smiled at Seb, who turned to look.

“Oh hello.”

“Hi,” greeted Ryan taking a couple of steps over.

Mark and Sebastian moved slightly further apart and both turned to face him.

“Ah now Ryan was very impressed weren't you?” prompted Mark.

Ryan nodded.

“You were really good at the start. I was watching and you went right through between the other cars,” he recounted. “I thought you were going to crash, but Uncle Mark says you're far too good for that.

Seb smiled at Mark who snuck him a wink.

“Well thank you Ryan,” replied Sebastian, “although maybe I should be worried you thought I was going to crash?”

“No not you, you're a really good driver, _them_ , the other cars into you. I thought there wasn't enough room, but Uncle Mark says you're really good at finding gaps that look like they aren't there and you somehow make the car thinner.” Ryan frowned. “How do you do that?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“If I could really make the car thinner I'd be a magician not a racing driver,” he countered.

“True enough,” agreed Mark. “Right, do you need to go get changed?”

“Oh um, I'll just say hi to everyone,” replied Sebastian.

 

They went over and Seb found himself feeling much better than he had done in the pen as the family all praised his race and Sebastian found he couldn't fall back on his usual habit of dismissing fourth as not being all that good when they were so kind and thanked him for arranging their visit.

“So have you still got work to do?” asked Diane.

“Yeah, we need to do all the post-race analysis.”

Mark smiled at his nephew.

“You wouldn't enjoy watching that quite so much.”

“Why what do you do?” asked Ryan.

“Oh mostly stare at data trying to make sense of it and listening to engineers,” Seb explained.

“Goes on a while,” added Mark.

“Ah right,” interceded Leanne. “Thing is we've got our flight to catch if we're going to get back. The kids have school in the morning.”

“Oh of course. Are you needing to go now then?” asked Sebastian.

Leanne checked her watch and looked to her husband and parents.

“Probably twenty minutes.”

“Okay I'll just nip and grab a shower.”

Seb saw that Mark was about to get up and shook his head.

“Make the most of them being here. I'll be down as fast as I can.”

  


Seb was back down in less than ten minutes, looking fresher in his ordinary team gear. As he sat down he glanced around and pretended to whisper.

“I'm going to pretend it took a while longer getting ready.”

The others laughed and Mark's mother looked over at him.

“Would you like a coffee dear if you've got five minutes?”

“I think I can get away with ten, but no thank you. Mark and I have our own flight later and ideally I'd like to sleep through as much of it as possible.”

“Very wise,” agreed Alan. “We'll have to fix up when we're coming over in the summer.”

“Ah Dad that's ages off,” excused Mark.

“True.”

“Anyway I'm presuming you can come pretty much whenever,” Mark noted, then looked to his sister. “It's you guys that are more complicated.”

“We'll work it out,” assured Leanne. “Like you say, it's a good while off yet. Just come up with some possible dates and we'll see what works.”

“August some time.”

“Right well we'll look into it.”

  


They chatted for the little time they had left them both Seb and the rest of Mark's family each needed to make moves. They stood to say their goodbyes and exchange hugs. Diane hung onto both her son and Sebastian in turn for as long as she could, then looked at the pair of them.

“Now you both take care of each other. I don't want you worrying and working too hard, especially you Seb.”

“Why especially Seb?” teased Mark.

His mother gave him a look.

“Because he has more races than you.”

“I know Mum.”

“Well then.”

“Thank you for having us,” offered Seb.

Diane tsk'd.

“You're family dear. You're welcome as often as you can make it.”

“Thank you for being so kind then.”

Diane shook her head and took the opportunity to give them each another quick hug. As Mark let her go he looked at his mother.

“And thanks Mum for being so good about, you know.”

Diane frowned so Mark shrugged.

“You know, us sneaking off to get married without telling you.”

“Oh.” She shook her head. “You're not still worrying about that are you? Don't be silly. You're not to fret about things, I've told you. Anyway, we'll be over in the summer and we can celebrate properly then can't we?”

“Yeah okay. Thanks Mum.”

“Thank you,” added Seb.

Diane smiled at him and gave his arm a rub.

“And you're not to fret over things either. It does no good,” she advised. “Don't let anything spoil your happiness.”

“That's us told,” smiled Mark.

“Yes it is,” agreed Diane firmly.

“All your mother and I want is the occasional phone-call when you're not too busy,” added Alan.

“We will do Dad.”

“Good. Well we'd better get a move on.”

 

The family gathered up their belongings and were about to go when Leanne stole another quick hug with her brother.

“That rule about calling applies to me too okay?”

Mark nodded and she gave him a look to which he could only nod again. Her son by her side intervened before she could say anything else, putting up his arms so Mark leaned down to hug him, Mark deliberately standing up so Ryan dangled down from him to make him laugh.

“Bye then short stuff.”

“Bye Uncle Mark. Thank you for today.”

Mark smiled and ruffled his hair.

“I'm glad you enjoyed it.”

Ryan turned to Seb and hugged him too.

“Thank you Uncle Seb. This weekend's been awesome.”

Sebastian laughed and looked to Mark.

“We'll see you in the summer yeah?”

“Yeah I want to see your pool.”

“Ha, you and my little brother both,” acknowledged Seb.

“I wish you could stay longer,” complained Diane.

Her husband shook his head and put his arm round her.

“Okay, time to go before the weeping and moaning starts.”

Diane huffed at him but she knew they were dragging it out, so they finally forced themselves to make a move, leaving Mark and Sebastian alone.  


Seb turned to Mark and gave him a hug, making Mark laugh.

“You're not off too.”

“Well I am. I need to go to the debrief.”

“Only for a couple of hours. I'll survive darling.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I'm not saying I won't miss you,” teased Mark.

Seb rolled his eyes.

“I'll go then.”

“Don't I even get a kiss?”

“Course you do.”

Sebastian pushed up to give Mark a quick kiss.

“What will you do while I'm busy?” Seb asked.

Mark shrugged.

“Check our flights, make sure we've got all our stuff ready. Mostly lie on your bed waiting for you to come back.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Okay. I'll be as quick as I can.”

“Take as long as you need.”

“Alright.”

“As long as that isn't longer than nine o'clock though.”

“We won't miss our flight I promise.”

“I know. I don't suppose the team want to miss theirs either,” noted Mark.

“They aren't flying back until tomorrow morning.”

“Oh I see. Well, try not to let them ramble on Seb, you know how it can be.”

“I won't. It's fine. I'll go now. Sooner I'm gone, sooner I'll be back.”

Mark smiled at the fact he was the one fussing when Seb was being sensible.

“Fine. Later then.”

“Later.”

 

Sebastian went off to join his race debrief, Mark to kill time in his room. He did as he had promised and made sure they weren't missing anything, then lay back on the bed and fiddled with his phone for a few minutes, before stretching out, not overly looking forward to being cramped on planes for the best part of twenty-four hours. He'd be cramped up with Seb which did improve matters, but even so he'd prefer to be home right away. Mark smiled, thinking that instantaneous travel was pretty much the one gift he wanted and that was impossible. The smile on his face faded as Mark thought that Seb wanted something different that he might think equally impossible. He closed his eyes and remembered the promise he had made Seb and Leanne both. When he got home Mark knew he had to face up to it and make good on his promise. He had to stop putting off thinking about things. He would think about it. _Soon_.

Soon, but not quite yet.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are loved ;)


	127. Thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are on Sunday night again (and joy, I have broadband back). So here we go, another chapter...

* * *

  
  


  
  


They were both relieved to return home, to bury themselves in the comfort of being alone with only the dogs for company and feel that they had a least a brief respite from work. Seb particularly was glad to feel as though he had achieved something, both on track and in facing the media. It had been difficult at first, but he came away from the weekend in Melbourne with more confidence that they would at least behave reasonably well and that he could handle them, whether en masse in formal situations, or one to one, without things being as bad as he had feared. The arrangement with Britta did seem to be working to persuade them that if they complied with the restrictions she imposed then they might be granted more access and Seb would open up a little more, but only if they didn't push too far.

It still wasn't as easy as it looked, but what Mark referred to as 'the carrot and stick', or perhaps more accurately, the 'stick and carrot', approach seemed to have potential and Sebastian thought that if they went on this way then it ought to be manageable. He was reflecting on this as he did laps of their new pool, staring up at the Velux windows set in the sloping roof above him while he did back-stroke as a cool-down after pushing harder earlier on as part of the training routine Antti had worked out for him.

As he swam Seb was trying to ignore all thoughts about the fact that for his following race he would be alone. It was the grand prix in Bahrain coming up and despite neither of them actually encountering any discernible prejudice there, they didn't want to ask for trouble. At least it hadn't been the first race of the year. Bernie regularly threatened to switch it around so it was, but for now they were safe and Australia held its place allowing family to soften the start of the season, so that was something.

 

Of course their little break from it all really was _little_ , because Mark had testing later in the week so they would be flying out to France on Thursday ready for the team being on track down at Paul Ricard on the following few days. That was why Seb was alone in the pool right now. Mark was in his study reading up on all his notes in preparation. Seb presumed the dogs were with him. More than once they'd tried to follow him in here and they had to be very careful about keeping the link door firmly shut to prevent the animals taking a dip. It might be funny in abstract to imagine Shadow and Simba leaping into the water, but Seb wasn't sure they'd be able to climb out again if they were alone, and the thought of their pets getting into difficulty and coming to harm was horrible, so he knew they had to guard against it.

Sebastian reached the top end of the pool and swivelled around in the water to loop back. As he did so he turned his head to look out of the long array of windows and french doors that made up the side facing into the garden. In March it wasn't too exciting a view, but in summer they could open it up and feel almost as if they were outside. That might be fun when they had people over for their little gathering, although Seb reminded himself that with kids here they'd need to make sure the pool was always under adult supervision or locked up. Ryan might be twelve and Sofie too young to toddle anywhere, but he wasn't going to take any chances.

Thinking of them made Seb's mind wander elsewhere, but he shut that down. He wasn't going to let his mind go there. It only hurt and Sebastian knew he ought to work on building up his defences rather than being silly and letting himself obsess over what might be unrealistic dreams. Would be would be. Mark had promised he would think about it, so Seb trusted he was. It wasn't fair to have expected an answer right away, he knew that. Then Australia had been hectic with both the family and the race and now Mark had all this work to do getting ready for his work with Porsche. Mark gave so much of his time and effort to supporting him. Seb knew he had to do the same in return.

 

He reached the shallow end of the pool and put his hands on the side to lever himself up out of the water, twisting around to sit on the side to allow excess water to run off, then Seb stood, grabbing up his towel from the side where he'd left it. Five minutes later Sebastian emerged from a quick shower, dressed, and went into the kitchen to make himself a nice coffee as a reward. He made one for Mark too and went through to see if he was still working in his study. Seb knocked, only for Mark to call through that he didn't need to. As he opened the door he saw Mark turned around to look at him, the dogs predictably jumping up from by his feet to say hello to Seb.

“Daft thing,” teased Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“You're busy. I wasn't sure if I'd be interrupting.”

“Interruption is very welcome. Is that for me?”

Seb saw him looking at the extra mug.

“Oh yeah, I thought you might like a coffee.”

“You thought correctly,” smiled Mark, taking it from him.

 

Sebastian gave the dogs a pet now he had a free hand, then found an empty bit of desk that wasn't covered in print-outs to perch on to face Mark so they could chat.

“Nice swim?” asked Mark, looking at his towel-dried hair.

“Yes thank you. Have you got lots done?”

Mark rubbed a hand over his face.

“Hmm, feels like I've been staring at numbers a lot.”

“I know what you mean.”

Mark smiled and put a hand on Seb's knee where he sat by him. It was good to know that he really did understand what it was like.

“Anything I can help with?” enquired Sebastian.

“Ah I'm nearly done.”

“I could make a start on dinner?”

Mark glanced at his watch. Gone six already, how had that happened? He was sure last time he checked it was half four and that only felt a few minutes ago.

“Um, tell you what, why don't you have a look what there is in? Give me half an hour and I'll finish up and join you.”

“I can cook,” offered Sebastian.

Mark let out a laugh.

“I know you can darling. I just like making dinner with you,” he pointed out, thinking how that was one of the pleasures of being home; hanging around the kitchen, dogs at their feet getting in the way while they did the little domestic things that made life feel normal.

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“Okay I'll look what we've got in. Want me to take these guys through?”

“Sure. They probably want feeding more than us,” agreed Mark, then he smiled as Seb went to shift off the desk. “Oh I thought of something you can do to help.”

“Other than the coffee?”

“Other than your very kind coffee, yes.”

Mark smiled and put a hand on Seb's unzipped hoody to slowly pull him closer while he stretched up to steal a kiss. Sebastian obliged, then laughed as he stood up straight.

 

“That help Liebling?”

“Absolutely. Right. Now I am suitably reinvigorated I'll get this done in no time.”

“Whatever works,” smiled Seb. “Come on guys, let's leave Mark to concentrate. Let's see if I can find some nice treats for you.”

“You spoil them.”

 

Sebastian pulled a face and ushered the dogs out of the room to go with him. He walked the dogs through into the kitchen and gave them some supper, finishing off with a couple of chewy treats the dogs liked, getting some grateful nuzzles in return. He knelt down giving the animals a rub and reminding them to drink their water too.

“Good boys. I don't spoil you do I? No. Psh, silly Mark.”

Sebastian gave them a smile and a last stroke then stood to rummage through the fridge to find a meal for him and Mark. They were happy as they were. He should be satisfied with this. They already were a family, he wasn't going to ruin this by pushing for more.

  
  


 

 

  
  


  
  


By the time they arrived in France, Mark felt as though he should just give up on changing his watch altogether. Barely a couple of days to adjust to being home, trying to shake off the jet-lag and refocus his mind on work and bam, here they were, coming to another circuit, only this time it was for him, not Seb. It almost felt strange to be this way around, but as they walked through the paddock to the base Porsche were using for testing it occurred to Mark that the last time they had been in this position was when Seb had accompanied him to his race in Germany all the way back at the end of August last year. It had been his birthday. The calm before the storm. One week later and...

Mark gave Sebastian's hand in his a squeeze and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. No more 'behaving themselves' when they were on show at Porsche. He wasn't bowing to that any more. They were married. People could like it or lump it. If anyone had a problem with it, they were welcome to come and tell him so.

Sebastian smiled and turned to him.

“Excited about getting back in the car Liebling?”

Mark smiled back.

“Yeah. Guess I am. You won't get bored will you?”

“I'll be fine,” Seb assured.

Strictly speaking Seb knew there were bound to be times he _was_ a little bored, but he accepted that, so he would be fine. That didn't count as lying. He was happy to sit watching how Mark got on in the car and he could chat to Jenson if he was free. Other than that, well Sebastian had put one of Mark's Christmas present books in his bag. If all else failed he could read that. Mark spent enough of his time waiting around on him. This was his turn.

  
  


 

 

Mark finished changing into his race gear and looked over to Seb who stood to join him. He looked at the ring on his finger and then back at Seb.

“Guess you'd better look after this for me.”

Mark wiggled the ring off his finger and passed it over. Sebastian smiled as he saw the way Mark looked back down at his hand.

“Feel strange?” Seb guessed.

“Yeah mate, does a bit. Can't race with them though.”

“I wish we could actually,” Sebastian admitted.

“Yeah me too. Ah well.”

“I'll keep it safe.”

“Yeah course.”

Sebastian put the ring into an inside pocket on his jacket and pushed up to give Mark a kiss.

“Good to go then?”

Mark nodded.

“Yep. Let's go.”

  
  


  
  


Seb stood at the back of the garage watching as Mark stood with his team-mates looking over something with their engineers. So far, so dull, but he knew how it went. They'd managed to get a lunch break, but other than that Mark had been working away. Even when he wasn't in the car, Mark felt the need to stay involved, conferring with the team over how things were going and comparing between the two cars. Sebastian went back to texting his brother and only looked up again when someone suddenly appeared at his side. Seb turned and looked up, expecting to see Mark, but it was Jenson stood by him.

“Oh hello.”

“Hey mate, getting bored?”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“How're you finding it today?” Seb asked instead.

“Oh fine. Good to be driving again. How about you? I was saying we should send you on a spying mission to go poke around the other teams' garages,” Jenson explained.

Sebastian laughed and gave him a look.

“You don't think I'd be spotted?”

“Mm. Yeah spose that's a point,” Jenson accepted. “Bit of a pain you being so famous.”

“I'm not famous.”

“Right.”

“Well not _famous_ , famous.”

“Just all over the front pages all round the world famous.”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“I'd far rather not be.”

“Mm, yeah I guess. Ah well, it was a good idea.”

“It was a rubbish idea Jenson, but thanks for thinking of me,” reposted Seb, making his friend laugh.

“Anyway your hubby's up next,” Jenson informed him.

Sebastian immediately looked over to see Mark concentrating on something the engineers were telling him.

“Oh right.”

Jenson patted him on the arm.

“Don't look so worried mate, he's done this before. Today in fact.”

“Yes I know.”

“If you're bored do you want to take a walk while he's busy?” offered Jenson.

“I didn't say I was bored,” Seb countered.

“Your face did.”

“Thanks.”

“I just thought you might like to get some fresh air.”

Sebastian looked at him more openly.

“Yeah, I dunno. I like to listen on the radio, see how he's getting on.” _Make sure he's alright,_ Seb didn't add.

 

Just then Mark came over before Jenson could say anything else.

“Hey, so I'm off back out in a minute,” Mark informed Sebastian.

“Yeah Jense just said.”

“Oh right.”

“I was saying we could go for a stroll,” intervened Jenson.

Mark shrugged.

“Can if you like,” he offered.

“I dunno,” prevaricated Seb.

Mark gave him a smile, knowing why Seb was reluctant to budge.

“I'll be fine sweetheart. We're just going to do some steady laps to test tyre-wear. Nothing exciting.”

“Hmm.”

Sebastian squished his face and shrugged again so Mark leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Go on, get some fresh air. I'll give you a wave.”

Seb smiled at that, knowing that even if Mark was only steadily looping the track, no way was he taking a hand off the wheel to give him a friendly wave.

“Alright. Are you likely to be out for a while?”

“Barring any complications, yeah.”

“Okay. I'll go out for a bit.”

“We'll find a good spot to watch from,” joined in Jenson.

Seb turned to him.

“Don't you need to be in here?”

“Nah I'm due a break.”

“Right then. I'll keep my eyes peeled for you,” assured Mark.

Sebastian rolled his eyes sure that Mark would be doing nothing of the kind when he was busy driving.

“Okay Liebling if you say so. Hope it all goes alright.”

“Course it will. See you in a bit.”  
  


Mark strode off to collect his helmet and prepared to get into the car. Sebastian stood watching. Only when Mark had pulled out of the garage to head out on track did he turn back to Jenson.

“Right, you want to go out then?”

“Sure,” agreed Jenson. “Let me just grab my jacket.”  
  


They headed out and walked alongside the fencing at the edge of the track, half an eye on the cars going by as they chatted.

“How was it in Aus then?” asked Jenson.

“Oh you know, same old same old.”

“Sure.”

“It was nice to have family there.”

Jenson smiled at Seb counting Mark's family as his own now.

“I saw.”

“Did you?” Sebastian turned to him, surprised. “Were you watching?”

“Yeah mate,” smiled Jenson. “Boring old fart that I am, I sat watching the lot.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“In the middle of the night?”

“Yeah 'fraid so, just me and the sofa, communing with F1,” Jenson confessed.

Sebastian looked at him more seriously.

“Do you miss it?”

 

Jenson shrugged as they found a spot with a wall they could lean on with a decent vantage point of the action on track. He rested into the wall and puffed out a long breath.

“Guess I do mate. I dunno. I like this. It's fun and we're doing pretty well.”

“Pretty well? You won in your first year!”

Jenson laughed as he turned to him.

“Well there's that I grant you, but yeah I do miss F1 a bit. There's something about those cars and all the razzmatazz.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I could do without the razzmatazz myself.”

“Oh?”

Seb shrugged.

“I'm kinda sick of being the centre of attention.”

“The media still being arses?”

Sebastian smiled and puffed a breath.

“A bit. Not _so_ bad. Not like it was in Barcelona.”

“Ah. When you revealed your little secret.”

“Mmm.”

“You did rather announce it pretty publicly,” noted Jenson.

“What else was I meant to do?” challenged Sebastian. “I wasn't going to lie.”

“No, well...”

“And we were planning to tell people one way or another. I just decided I might as well just say it. I'm not ashamed.”

“Of course not.” Jenson put a hand on his arm. “Seb mate, I wasn't suggesting you should be.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No I know. Sorry. It just tends to make me feel a bit embattled.”

Jenson nodded.

“Course. Were they being arseholes about it?”

Seb leaned further over the wall looking out at the track and shrugged again.

“I dunno. They're doing their job I guess, but I just don't get why they find it so bloody fascinating. We got married. Just like millions of other people.”

“Yeah but not just the same.”

“Well I wish it was. We don't want the attention. We just want to be treated the same as anyone else.”

“Right,” nodded Jenson. “Course you do.”

“Yeah. Anyway.” Sebastian sighed. “I guess it was slightly better in Melbourne. Better than Barcelona anyway and hopefully it'll keep going in that direction.”

“I'm sure it will. Oh hey look!”

 

They both turned to see the Porsche approaching. As it went past, Seb couldn't help himself giving a wave. As the car shot out of sight, he turned back to see Jenson crinkling his nose.

“Aw you really are adorbs.”

“Shut up.”

“You are though. No wonder the papers love it.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes at his friend grinning.

“How is married bliss then?” pressed Jenson.

“Fine.”

“ _Fine?”_

“Yeah.”

Jenson shook his head.

“I was expecting more than that.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“We told you we were just making things formal. It's just the same as before really. Nothing's changed.”

“Apart from your name.”

“Yeah there's that,” Seb acknowledged.

“Papers loved that I can tell you,” Jenson pointed out.

“Yeah we know.”

“You didn't mention that little detail at the wedding.”

“Oh well we hadn't thought of it then.”

“When then?”

“When we were flying out.”

“On your honeymoon?”

“Yeah.”

Jenson laughed.

“And you just decided, just like that?”

“Yeah. We had to work out which way worked best, but yeah. Then when we came home we sent off some forms, told the FIA, filled out more forms and... yeah that was it.”

“Not very romantic.”

“Forms rarely are.”

“True.” Jenson laughed. “You know I could have made a bundle flogging my photos to the tabloids.”

Sebastian gave him a look and Jenson held up his hands.

“Which I never would, obviously,” he defended.

“Obviously.”

“At least tell me you had a romantic honeymoon?”

 

Seb shook his head at Jenson being so inquisitive.

“Why are you so interested?”

“Cos I'm your friend. I was best man.”

“Mark and I are perfectly content thank you.”

“And?”

“And we had a very nice honeymoon.”

“ _And?”_ pressed Jenson.

“And had some fun skiing.”

“That wasn't what I was asking about.”

Sebastian gave him a look.

“Well you're not getting any details.”

“Spoilsport.”

Sebastian stood up a little from leaning into the wall and looked at him.

“Let me guess,” Seb challenged. “You asked Mark and he wouldn't tell you either.”

Jenson affected a look of complete innocence, then crumbled.

“Ah damnit, you two are hopeless.”

“You just want gossip.”

“No I don't,” defended Jenson. “I'm just nosey.”

“Ah, now we have the truth,” smiled Seb.

“I'm just interested mate,” offered Jenson.

“Yeah okay. If you really want to know, we had a very nice time while we were away.”

“Very nice?”

“Very nice is all you're getting.”

“Ah well, as long as you enjoyed yourselves I suppose.”

“We did, thank you.”

“So what about tonight then?”

“Sorry?” goggled Seb.

Jenson burst out laughing, coughing to a stop.

“No I meant, ha, no. Sorry. I meant I mentioned about dinner to Mark and he said he'd check with you.”

“Oh I see.”

“He didn't mention it?”

“I guess he's not had chance.”

“Right, well, anyway I was just wondering, you know, if you two weren't wanting to have a quiet night in?”

“Okay. Um, yeah I'll check with Mark.”

Jenson smiled to himself and nodded, somehow totally unsurprised with that answer.

“Oh look here he comes again,” announced Jenson, giving a cheery wave out to the track.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head, but he waved too. So what if Mark couldn't wave back, or doubtless even see them? It would make him smile later when Seb told him.

  
  


  
  


  
  


The next day Sebastian was feeling more relaxed about hanging around in the garage. He was starting to learn a few names of the mechanics and other team members so he could say hello to them and it did help that he spoke both English and German as that covered most of them. It wasn't like being in his own garage for course, but then this was Mark's place of work and his role was just to be there in the background, leaving Seb little to do but watch proceedings and think things over.

Andreas had spoken to him when they'd first arrived and been friendly, but then he'd always been that way, even if things weren't so easy with the team. It only occurred to Seb when Andreas commented how good it was to see him looking well that he hadn't been with Mark when he was driving since before the accident. That was over six months now. No wonder it felt so long. The rest of the people in the garage and Mark's team-mates had all been polite and friendly, but none of them commented on what had happened in the interim. Seb was glad for that though. He wanted to leave all that behind him.

When he'd asked Mark about how things lay with Porsche Mark had merely shrugged and said that it was fine as far as he was aware, although they both knew that there was an extent to which he simply didn't want to know. Last year worrying about what the board thought had only driven him mad and certainly done no good. Perhaps not wanting to know was the simplest way?

 

Mark looked over from where he was being shown something on the car and gave Seb a smile. Seb had told him yesterday that he wasn't bored, but Mark knew from personal experience that standing around at testing was pretty dull even when you were the one _doing_ the testing, never mind _watching_ those doing the testing. Seb had insisted on coming of course, despite Mark saying he could stay at home. He could be in their nice new swimming pool or out walking the dogs, but no, he was here, hanging about at the back of the garage, pretending not to be bored.

Of course Mark knew he'd taken his turn at that game himself, but he appreciated Seb playing his part nonetheless. At least they'd had a bit of fun last night when Jenson had spent his evening amusing them at dinner. It was nice to have a distraction from thinking about anything serious, whether to do with work or otherwise and Jenson fitted the bill nicely.

 

Not long later, Mark crossed back over to speak to Sebastian once more.

“Are you going out again?” Seb asked.

“Yep. You gonna take a walk and give me a wave?”

Sebastian smiled.

“You didn't see me yesterday.”

“I did.”

“You didn't. You couldn't have.”

Mark shrugged up one shoulder.

“Well alright I didn't see you wave _as such_ , but I saw you out there.”

“You saw it was us?”

“I saw someone stood by the track and there's pretty much no one else hanging around, so yeah. I saw you.”

“By process of elimination.”

“Yeah okay,” admitted Mark, “by process of elimination.”

Sebastian shook his head and smiled.

“Fine. I'll go for a walk and you see if you spot me.”

“That'll entertain me as I go round. I can look out for you.”

“Oh actually no that's no good,” realised Seb.

“What?”

“You have to concentrate on driving. I don't want you looking off track.”

“Seb.”

“No I'm staying right here. I didn't think you were really watching out for me yesterday.”

Mark sighed.

“And I was going to have a game.”

“You're not funny Liebling.”

“I'm quite funny.”

“You're not and we're not playing a game with you driving.”

“I'm only going round and round. It doesn't take that much effort of concentration,” argued Mark.

Sebastian leaned in closer.

“Well don't let them hear you say that,” he warned.

Mark gave him a wink but Seb shook his head.

“You won't win me over. I'm staying in here, listening on the radio.”

Mark sighed.

“Ah fine. I'll have to think of something else to amuse myself.”

“Think of driving,” instructed Sebastian seriously.

“Oh go on then. If you insist.”

“I do.”

Mark looked at him, worried for half a moment that Sebastian was annoyed with him, but he saw just a hint of a smile in those blue eyes looking at him, so he smiled and nodded.

“Alright darling. That's me told. I'll be good. See you in a bit then.”

 

Mark walked back towards the car, glad for a moment's silliness to keep his mood up, even if Seb was refusing to play his game. It helped the day pass when he knew that at least he had a lunch with Seb coming up, or a smile from the sidelines and someone to tell him well done at the end of the day, no matter how little it felt like he had achieved. This morning they had finally been given the chance to push the limits a bit and that had been more fun as Mark and his team-mates had taken turns to try to out-do one another and the other car as well. They'd got some decent speeds up, but this afternoon was their last day, so the team were back to trialling the finer details and he was due to do more steady runs to give accurate comparisons, which was rather less than thrilling.

He went back over what they required of him and nodded to his engineers before preparing to get in the car once more. As Mark looked over, Sebastian gave him a smile as he knew he would. Mark was tempted to give him a little wave, though he knew that his team-mates would take the piss. The truth was that he did like the idea of Seb waving at him by the track, even if he couldn't exactly see him doing it. If any of his team-mates other than Jenson knew that he'd been out doing that yesterday, no doubt they'd take the piss out of that too. Actually, scratch that, thought Mark. Jenson _had_ taken the piss last night, but he did it good-humouredly, so Mark didn't mind so much.

Mark pulled his helmet on and as he did so he wondered why he let it bother him what anyone thought. Fuck it. Mark gave Seb a wave as he went to sit in the car and when Sebastian beamed and waved back, Mark felt several feet taller. Let them take the piss. He didn't care.

 

Mark settled into his seat and looked things over before setting off. It would take a few laps for him to get a feel for the latest changes. After that he'd just be repeating the same exercise for the engineers to have more data to analyse. Round and round. The features of the track becoming so familiar that he barely had to think about them. So familiar that Mark could anticipate every bump. Two days of this was quite enough. It was so tempting to put his foot down and feel the speed the car was truly capable of. He could whizz past the slower cars and pretend it was really a race and he was taking the lead. Childish perhaps, but fun. Mark knew he couldn't though, so like a good little boy he kept the car at the prescribed speed and circulated the track yet again.

He asked a few questions on the radio, but he got little back other than he was doing a fine job and to keep going. So he kept going. Round and round. Mark was trying to do as Sebastian had demanded and keeping his mind on the track. His eyes too for that matter, although he did glance over to where he was sure he'd spotted Seb and Jenson watching the day before. They weren't there now of course. Jenson was in the other car doing much the same as him. If only the pair of them could have a little race, just for fun. But no: round and round they went.

 

Mark had honestly lost count of the number of times he'd looped the track now. The team would call him in when they wanted him. He knew there was plenty of fuel in the car, he'd just go on round.

Without meaning to, Mark found his concentration wandering just a little. He thought about how Seb would be far more bored sat back in the garage. He thought about how glad they would both be once he finally finished up here later and they could head off to the airport to get their flight home. Mark thought about how late it would be when they finally got in and how no doubt the dogs would bound out of their baskets to greet them as energetically as ever. Mark smiled as he rounded a corner and thought how grateful they would be to fall into bed together and how Seb would say at least they could have a lie-in on Sunday.

He never used to like lie-ins. Then again, they never held the attractions they held nowadays. Mark huffed a little laugh to himself inside his helmet. In all honesty he suspected that they might be so tired tomorrow morning that their lie-in might literally be that, but it would still be welcome because it would be with Seb. Seb sleeping, with him. Looking peaceful and gorgeous. That really was enough to make him happy. Admittedly anything extra would be nice, but just to lie together would be plenty. It would be good to be home.

Of course a sensible option would be to stay an extra night here and travel home the next day at a more reasonable hour, but it was almost always preferable to get back as fast as possible. Mark didn't want to think about the fact that when they did get home they really only had a few days left before Sebastian had to fly off again. He definitely didn't want to think about that.

 

Mark preferred to think of the nice time they would have at home while they could; lie-ins, and hanging out at home. They could use the pool and the gym together, take the dogs out for long walks, go for runs. That would be good. He knew people wondered about their choice to live where they did. Sure it used to be convenient for his work and now it was convenient for Seb, but the truth was it had become home. Mark liked where they lived. Not just the house, but the countryside around, the village nearby where they stopped for coffee on their runs. Nobody paid them any attention there, not as anything remarkable anyway.

It was nice to feel normal. Just ordinary, normal people, living their ordinary lives like anyone else. Mark couldn't imagine living the stereotypical racing driver life in some cramped apartment in Monaco; Surrounded by rich tax-avoiders in their expensive clothes, so concerned about appearances, eating in over-priced restaurants and wanting to be seen in all the most fashionable bars and clubs, sending their children to the most exclusive private schools.

All so different from the life they lived. Mark thought of the school in the village. It looked nice, small, friendly. Just an ordinary state village primary school; an old building at the front, but extended as the village grew over the years. It seemed welcoming, unpretentious. It fitted well with them. No kid of theirs would go to some fancy, high-falutin' private school.

_No kid of theirs?_

Mark stamped on the brake as the corner appeared in front of him way too fast.

“Mark are you okay?”

His engineer's voice in his ear. Mark pulled on the wheel and hauled the car back from where it had run off track.

“Hm? Yeah, yeah sorry. I just... had a moment there, sorry.”

 

He carried on round the track, completing his lap, trying to fix his mind on the details of the track and the car, but it was in there now: An image of them outside the school, him and Seb stood in the playground round at the side. Waiting.

Oh god. Waiting for what? For who?

Mark took in a sharp breath and spared a hand from the wheel to open his visor and rub over his eyes for a second. He was fine. It was just that his mind had drifted. Seb was right; he really ought to be concentrating. He must be tired because he was imagining things now. Very strange things that he hadn't a clue what to think about.

The radio came back on pulling him back to reality.

“Okay Mark I think we'll call that. Come in next lap.”

“Sure.”

 _Thank god,_ thought Mark.

 

A few minutes later he was out of the car and apologising once more for straying over the white lines marking the edge of the track and nearly ending up in the gravel. He could have made an excuse and said the wind caught him at a funny angle, or the car behaved unexpectedly, but he didn't. Mark simply said he'd had a momentary lapse in concentration.

Of course Mark didn't say _why_ he'd had the lapse, or what he had been distracted by. Mark glanced over to Sebastian and gave him a smile and received a little smile back in return.

Mark had no idea what he was supposed to say to Seb about what had just happened.

He turned back and gave his attention back to giving the team a debrief and listening to what that had to say.

  
  


It was a while before he could go back over to speak to Seb.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Okay so you want to head back?” asked Mark.

“We can go?”

Mark smiled at how surprised Sebastian sounded.

“Yeah we're done in here. We still need to have a sit down meeting once they've pulled things together.”

“Oh right.”

“Come on then. I need to get changed,” Mark prompted.

“Sure.”

 

They walked out the back of the garage and as soon as they were outside Seb stopped and turned to fling his arms around Mark's neck. Mark let out a little laugh.

“Hey.” Mark moved his head to the side to try to see him. “Seb?”

“You scared me.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

Mark put his arms back around him and gave Seb a squeeze. He felt him take in a deep breath and this time succeeded in getting Sebastian to look at him.

“I'm sorry,” Mark apologised.

“I just... Sorry. I'm fussing. It's just when you went off. I saw it on the tracker and on the radio, they sounded, I don't know...”

“Yeah. I just lost concentration for a second darling. I only went off a little,” Mark explained.

“Are you okay?”

Mark gave him a smile.

“I just had a moment, that's all.”

Sebastian nodded and stepped back.

“Sorry. It just gave me a fright.”

Mark rubbed over his arm and kissed Seb's cheek.

“Long afternoon, that's all darling. I should listen to your advice.”

“My advice?”

“Concentrate on driving. The mind can go for a wander in strange places if you're not careful.”

“Strange places?”

Mark smiled and moved to stand by his side, putting his arm around him, encouraging Sebastian to walk along with him.

“Mm, very strange. Think I was daydreaming.”

Sebastian gave him a look as they walked along.

“Daydreaming? Whilst driving?”

“Yeah. Not very clever. Guess I'd better grab a coffee to take into the meeting. Wake my brain up.”

“Sounds like it,” agreed Seb.

“Mm, yeah.”

 

Mark looked off into the distance, thinking his brain was sometimes a very strange place indeed. It could play tricks on him. It got ahead of him sometimes and he really didn't know what to make of it. Like when Seb had slept in his bed that very first time; he'd imagined touching Seb's soft hair and stroking it, of leaning down and kissing it. All that time ago. Had some part of his brain known before the rest of him caught up? Was that what this meant now? Was it a premonition, or was he going crazy? Or was it just that it was all lurking in the back of his subconscious, jamming up his spare capacity. Perhaps he'd been piling it all up there, like belongings stuffed into a cupboard and then the door had snuck open and things spilled out unexpectedly.

The only thing he knew for sure was that he couldn't go on ignoring things or his subconscious would start taking over again. He had to sit down and sensibly, _rationally_ , think about things. But not right now. He had to finish up working with the team. When Seb was away. That was it: In a few days time he would have all the time and space he could want and then, Mark decided, would be the perfect time to think about things seriously. He would do that. No more worrying for now. He'd deal with it all then. He gave Seb a squeeze and leaned in to kiss his cheek again.

“I'll try not to be too long,” he promised.

  
  


  
  


At the end of the final meeting reviewing how testing had gone, Mark hung around to speak to his boss while the rest cleared out, mostly rushing off to catch their own flights back or check that all was going well with the pack-up in the garage.

“Alright Mark?” checked Andreas.

“Yeah I did want to mention, sorry about before,” apologised Mark.

Andreas shook his head.

“No damage done.”

“Right, good.”

Mark paused and wondered whether he shouldn't just leave it. Hadn't he decided not to worry about any of that anymore? He was about to say goodbye and head back to find Seb when his boss turned and sat on the edge of the long meeting table.

“Mark, you're not worrying about anything are you?”

Mark gave him a wry smile. He knew he wasn't very good at hiding things. He shrugged.

“I dunno. I just wanted to be sure we're alright.”

Andreas frowned.

“Of course we're alright. Testing has been excellent. Things look very promising for us this year.”

Mark let out a little laugh.

“Ah, no I didn't mean that. I meant us. Me, specifically and Porsche.”

“Oh I see. Mark we have spoken about this. I do not want you to be concerning yourself. That is all behind us.”

“Right. It's just obviously there's been all this publicity lately,” Mark pointed out.

Andreas nodded.

“I have spoken with the board Mark. You need not concern yourself,” he assured.

“So they're not bothered by it?”

“I think it is fair to say that they could live without the headlines,” smiled Andreas, “but I believe they understand that it will pass. The media will move on. Indeed I believe they are already.”

“Short attention spans,” agreed Mark.

“Yes, as we have seen before. And the interviews you did to promote our new car. This is good. That where we want our focus.”

“They saw them?”

“Of course. It is their business to pay attention to such things and you did a good job in them Mark. They can have no complaints. This year I have every expectation that we will achieve more success as we did last year and they know that you are a vital part of that.”

“Well thank you.”

“So as I say, I want you focussed on that, not worrying about anything else.”

Mark nodded, feeling himself relax.

“Thanks. I will be focussed. This afternoon...”

“Was a long one for all of us,” assured Andreas. “But a good couple of days. Very productive. I'm sure you are looking forward to getting down to the real business of racing in a few weeks.”

“I am mate, definitely.”

“Good and we will be close to home for you at Silverstone.”

“Yes that's true, makes life much easier.”

Andreas nodded and smiled.

“I am sure. And will Sebastian be joining us again?”

Mark smiled and let out a little laugh at his boss being so welcoming.

“Actually mate he'll be off on the other side of the world racing himself.”

“Ah I see.”

“Bad timing,” noted Mark. “I'm sure he'll come to the next one.”

“I hope so.”

Andreas looked him in the eye and Mark nodded back, offering out his hand.

“Thanks.”

Andreas shook the hand.

“No problem. Have a safe journey home.”

“Cheers. You too.”

Mark gave Andreas a final nod, then set off to rescue Sebastian from waiting around yet again so they could leave. He felt lighter for his conversation with his boss. It had seemed easier to avoid the issue, but now Mark thought about it, it had only meant the worries lingered at the back of his mind instead. Better to tackle things and deal with them. He should have known that from the beginning really.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


Mark got home from dropping off Seb at Heathrow feeling as though they were already falling into a familiar routine though they were still only at the start of the season. They'd done their best to make the most of the few days they'd had free at home, then all too soon it was packing and flights and now even worse, separation. Long hugs and promises to call as soon as they could and putting on brave faces to say they'd be fine.

They would be fine of course. The other side of being familiar with this was that they both knew logically that they just needed to get on with things for a few days, keep busy and look forward to seeing one another on the other side of the weekend.

Of course that wasn't to say that Mark didn't sit hugging the dogs feeling thoroughly crappy when he got home from the airport. It was pouring with rain out which didn't improve his mood as it meant going out for a ride as he'd planned seemed rather less appealing. The dogs didn't look too keen to go out either and Mark couldn't blame them. At least he had the pool and the gym now, so Mark decided to make the most of it. He used the gym first, turning up the music in there to empty his brain out while he exercised, then cooled off afterwards by taking a nice relaxing swim in the pool.

He was trying not to worry about how Seb would get on alone at the race. He was trying not to worry about whether Seb would suffer a headache on the flight.

Naturally, that meant he was worrying about both those things. There was nothing he could do about either concern. He had to trust that Sebastian would manage as he always did when he was racing and Mark knew that Seb was sensible enough to have his painkillers with him on the plane. Mark hadn't checked with him before he went, despite wanting to. If he'd done that he would have put the idea into Sebastian's head which Mark suspected might have encouraged a headache to occur. Maybe that was just paranoia, but it was how he felt.

 

After that Mark had some lunch, then spent a bit of time going over his work emails, then thankfully the weather finally cleared up and he could go for a ride and let the fresh, if somewhat damp, air get into his lungs.

He lost count of the number of times he checked the time. The principle of the watched pot held true; It felt like the longest day waiting until Seb finally called to let him know that he had arrived safely at his hotel in Bahrain, thankfully without any problems.

 

Mark was grateful to know that he could trust Seb would have said if there was anything to report. Other than the fact he was jealous that Mark was sat talking to him with the dogs in the lounge while Sebastian sat in another anonymous hotel room that was, but there wasn't much either one of them could do about that. They rang off while Sebastian went to have a chat with his boss and Britta, so Mark took the dogs out for their walk while it was still light, knowing that once Seb rang back the conversation could go on for quite some time.

On that note, poor Seb was having to adjust to yet another time-difference, but at least the grand prix in Bahrain ran a twilight and night-time schedule making it effectively closer to European time, which also made them more convenient for Mark to follow.

As they sat on the phone after they had both eaten, Mark lay on the sofa while Sebastian was already in bed.

“So Britta says all I've got is the media pools tomorrow,” explained Seb.

“Uh huh, well that's good isn't it?”

“Yeah she says it's just the way it worked out, but I suspect she fixed it that way.”

Mark smiled, glad to hear that Britta was protecting Seb as best she could.

“Well I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Gives you more time to focus on prep work in the garage doesn't it?” Mark suggested.

“Yeah I guess. Anyway what'll you be up to?”

Mark sighed. Thursdays weren't much use seeing as there was no running to watch on TV.

“Dunno. Much the same as today I guess.”

“Training?”

“Yeah. With any luck the weather might cheer up and I can go for a run. What time do you reckon you might call?”

“You don't have to fit around me,” pointed out Sebastian.

Mark pulled a face.

“Course I do.”

“ _Mark_.”

“No seriously sweetheart, just tell me, otherwise I'll just spend the whole day staring at the phone.”

Sebastian let out a little laugh, but he knew it would be true if it was him.

“Only roughly,” Mark added. “I know you're busy.”

“Okay, so... Early-ish. Your end anyway. About seven. Is that too early?”

“Nope that's fine. It'll get me out of bed.”

“You're sure?”

“Course. Then I can go for a run later.”

 

Mark heard the sigh down the other end of the phone and consoled; “It wont be the same without you.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Same here. Will you stop for coffee?”

“Nah no point. Might go a bit further, try to tire myself out a bit.”

“Okay.”

“I'll have my phone on me.”

“Mark I'll be fine. Ninety percent of my day tomorrow is hanging around in the garage and the rest, well at least the press have the last race to talk about now don't they?”

“Yeah that's true. Okay well no worries then.”

“Good.”

 

Sebastian let out a heavier sigh than he meant to.

“What time is it with you?” checked Mark.

“Half ten. It doesn't feel it, but I guess I should try to go to sleep.”

“Yeah you should. Don't suppose I'll stay up late if you're going to be waking me at the crack of dawn.”

“I can call later.”

Mark let out a laugh.

“I was teasing darling. It's fine. Just if I don't answer right away, let it ring. You can be my alarm call.”

“Ah and I'll be talking to you in bed,” noted Sebastian. “I'll be jealous.”

“Well just know I'd far rather you were in it with me,” smiled Mark.

“Me too.”

“Yeah. Alright, well I'd better let you go then.”

“Okay. Love you Liebling.”

“Love you too sweetheart. The dogs say hello.”

“Hello boys. Night then. Speak to you in the morning.”

“Night.”

 

Mark hung up and ruffled the dogs hair.

“Seb says hello.”

He looked at the pair of them who were staring up at him and Mark nodded.

“Yeah. I miss him too. Hey ho. Let's see what mind-numbing tosh they've got on telly to distract us.”

Mark picked up the remote control and flicked around until he found something sufficiently distracting to pass the time until he could reasonably go to bed.

  
  


He fell asleep early, but in the middle of the night Mark woke suddenly and sat upright. At first his sleepy brain wondered where Seb was, but as he remembered, Mark picked up his phone, worrying for a moment it was that which had woken him, but as he checked, Mark saw no messages, no missed calls. It hadn't been his phone.

Mark reached over to get his water to take a drink, trying to settle himself. As he did so he realised what it was that _had_ woken him; it had been a dream. He could only half recall it, but it didn't take much to work it out. It was the old one, the worst one: Seb racing on the other side of the world and a real phone call waking him, telling Mark that it had happened again; he'd crashed.

Mark closed his eyes trying to make it go away, but that only made him focus on the horrible imagery that lurked in his mind, impossible to forget: Black graphite brake smoke and flying gravel; The destroyed car buried in the tyre wall; His Seb not moving; The darkened hospital room and Seb lying there with all those horrible machines attached, his eyes closed. _Critical_. The word still hurt. It clutched at Mark's heart.

As he looked back Mark barely knew how he had got through those terrible hours. What if it really did happen again? What if he got that phone call and Seb was on the other side of the world? What if it took too long to get to him?

He was surprised by tears and Mark roughly brushed them away. He took a deep breath to calm himself.

He tried to rationalise it, thinking that at least this weekend the time-difference meant he wouldn't get a call in the middle of the night, but he could still get a call in the daytime. It was at least eight hours, probably more, to travel there. And even then given where Seb was, Mark didn't even know if they would recognise their marriage or whether they would force him to go through the same ordeal of begging to be allowed into the hospital to be with Sebastian.

Mark sank his face into his hands. He couldn't think that way. It would drive him mad. He rubbed over his skin trying to somehow push the bad thoughts away. He hadn't bothered to shave so his skin felt pretty stubbly. Mark diverted his brain by thinking how he ought to do tidy himself up and shave before Monday when Seb was home. He would kiss him and press his cheek into Sebastian's as he held him close. Just a couple of days and they would be back together. That was what he should focus on.

Mark took in a deep calming breath and dropped his head back on the pillow. He wasn't going to think about anything bad happening to Seb. He wasn't going to think about how far away Seb was. He wasn't going to think about how he would worry every time Seb stepped into the car. Mark pulled Sebastian's side of the duvet over to wrap his arms around it and tried to breathe in what remained of the scent of him there. It was a poor substitute for the real thing.

He stared up into the darkness wondering if anyone apart from the two of them really knew how hard it was to be parted like this. For all he loved racing, sometimes Mark wondered whether it might not be less painful just give it up so he could travel with Seb all the time, but even then there would still be these tricky races where it wasn't possible. It was a nightmare.

  
  


  
  


The next day Mark felt far better once Sebastian had woken him with his early call and he'd had the chance to talk to him. To attempt to properly clear his head he got up and went for run in the thankfully drier conditions. It was the last day of March so the air was still cold, but with a blue sky above it felt far more like Spring at last and it was pleasant to be outside and feel productive, leaving the worries and fears of the night far behind him.

Mark ran past the coffee shop and kept going, doing a longer loop of the village, past the green with its pond, left past the couple of little shops and the post office. Somehow without planning it precisely in his head, his legs took him past the primary school. Mark kept on running, surprised that his subconscious had pictured it so accurately the other day when it was somewhere he thought he'd paid no attention to it previously. Thankfully it was still early enough that he didn't run right into the full onslaught of parents and children doing the school drop-off so Mark picked his speed up and kept on running along the streets until his route brought him around the village to head back home again.

As he sat eating his breakfast after a shower Mark wondered if he'd done that on purpose, or if it really was just his subconscious. Wasn't it all the same thing?

  
  


 

The day after that Mark left his run until later in the morning knowing Seb was wasn't going to call until shortly before FP1. He deliberately took a different route and turned right at the green to loop the other way through the village, but that only took him past the playground. Mothers and small children, pushchairs. Were there always this many about in the village? Mark was sure there must be some kind of special convention going on. He was sure he didn't normally see so many. Maybe it was just going further on with his run? Maybe he was just going crazy and his mind was playing tricks on him?

  
  


  
  


It was only when Mark received a text from his sister asking how Seb was getting on that Mark realised he had been continuing to avoid thinking about what he had promised her he would. Of course on the Friday his full focus had to be on how Seb was getting on in practice and talking to him whenever he could in-between and then it was Saturday and it was even more important that he was there for him and spent his time watching how Sebastian got on in final practice and qualifying. How was he supposed to think about anything else when Mark was busy staring at the screen worrying over whether Seb hadn't just taken that corner a little too sharply and if he was going to get a clear run during the crucial few minutes left to get into Q1?

After qualifying Mark was so relieved it had gone well that he did little more the pootle around the kitchen with the dogs, half an eye on his phone anticipating the moment when it lit up. As it finally did so, Mark snatched it up from the table and answered:

“Hey.”

“Hi Liebling. You okay?”

“Me?” laughed Mark.

Far away sat in his room at the RedBull base Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah, you sounded nervous earlier.”

“Ah well, yeah I was a bit, sorry,” Mark admitted.

“No that's okay. I know what it's like.”

“Guess you do. Never mind. You did great darling.”

“Mm, not bad. Cut it a bit fine, but I guess sixth isn't too bad.”

“It's very good. Well done.”

“Thanks.”

“You all done with the media?”

“Yeah for today.”

“Good. And they were alright?”

“Yeah they were okay today. I guess there's lots to talk about with quali.”

“Sure, well I'm glad to hear it.”

“I've just got the debrief in a bit and then I'm done.”

“Right.”

“What about you?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Hectic day of sitting around with the dogs watching how you got on. Guess I'll take them for another walk, have dinner, that's about it. Are you still planning on seeing Lewis later?”

Sebastian wanted to sigh at the idea of magically getting to be home so he could spend that evening with Mark and the dogs at home, but it couldn't be.

“Yeah for a bit, just gonna pop round and kill some time.”

“You could go out for dinner?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian smiled at Mark trying to encourage him. He shrugged despite Mark being unable to see him.

“I dunno, we tend to just hang out in his room. We usually find some sport to watch or he might have brought his PS4.”

“Sure, well whatever you like darling. Better than sitting around on your own.”

“Exactly. I won't stay late, then I can call you at bedtime.”

“Course. I'll be looking forward to it.”

“Me too.”

 

They both paused for a moment, knowing how they liked to talk to one another over the phone while they were in bed. It would be early on Mark's end, but there was no point staying up alone.

“Are you sure you're okay Liebling?” enquired Seb. “You sound tired.”

“You've just done quali, shouldn't you be the one who's tired?” countered Mark.

“Mark?”

Mark let out a sigh, knowing he couldn't flat out lie.

“I've not been sleeping well.”

“Oh that's not good.”

“No, well... I'm okay. It's not like I've really got anything important to actually do other than watch TV. It's no big deal sweetheart, I guess I just don't sleep so well on my own,” Mark confessed.

“I miss you too Liebling.”

“I know.” Mark puffed a breath. “Can't be helped. Only, what, thirty-six hours left.”

“Yeah. Counting down.”

Mark shook his head.

“You've got the race yet.”

“Yeah I suppose. I just sort of mean the stuff around it.”

“Yeah I know. Alright well, you'll be home soon enough and then we've got dear Fabe turning up.”

“So we have,” agreed Seb, cheering up at that. “He's been sending me plenty of texts to remind me.”

Mark laughed.

“I'll bet he has. He sent me a couple too.”

“Did he?” asked Sebastian sounding a little surprised. “Saying what?”

“Just hello and asking if I was watching the running on TV, a few comments about how you're doing mostly. Oh and asking after the dogs.”

“Right, of course. Well that's nice,” commented Sebastian thinking how he suspected his brother was in his own little way actually checking that Mark was alright sat at home watching him. It was rather sweet really.

“Yeah he's a good kid. Oh I was thinking, what do you reckon we take him into Oxford while he's here? I don't suppose he's been before,” proposed Mark.

“That's a good idea. Yeah we can do that on Friday maybe.”

“There we go then, there's one day taken care of; show him the sights, go somewhere for lunch in town.”

“Sounds good.” Sebastian glanced at the time. “Oh sorry Liebling, I ought to go catch up with the team so we can finish.”

“Course. You get on darling. Say hi to Lewis for me and I'll speak to you later.”

“Will do. Love you Liebling.”

“Love you too darling and well done again.”

“Thanks. Bye then.”

“Bye sweetheart.”  
  


Sebastian hung up and suddenly felt horribly alone in his empty room. It was never the same without Mark in it. Seb knew it was selfish, but he wished Mark could be with him at every race. He'd happily go along to every race of Mark's in turn, but that couldn't be. He sighed then shook it off and got up. Time to concentrate on his work and get it over with. The he could have a relaxing evening before he spoke to Mark again. Like he said, it wasn't long till they were back together. They'd survive.

  
  


  
  


Back home Mark looked at the dogs and gave them a rub, thinking like Seb that he should go do something to keep busy. He checked in the fridge for some food to make dinner, then turned back to the animals sat on the floor behind him.

“Right come on then, let's go have a walk before it gets dark fellas.”

Shadow and Simba instantly leapt up and rushed over, making Mark smile at how keen they were. Surely they had to understand at least some of what he was saying? He led them into the hall and pulled on his coat and boots before finding the leads. Fresh air and exercise were the best things, then with any luck after he'd spoken to Seb later Mark thought he might just drop off and have a hopefully uninterrupted night's sleep so he was set up for the race the next day too.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Somehow before he knew it, it was Sunday and Mark was trying to give Seb his pep talk for the race, both of them closing their eyes and trying to imagine the hug they couldn't have. Then he was left with the dogs and the television, staring at the fading pale blue sky above the track and wishing he was there yet again. Seb had sounded fine really. The press didn't seem to have been too bad, but then of course there wasn't quite the hoopla that there was at the inaugural race of the year and in Bahrain there wasn't the same local media influx that there was in Melbourne.

Mark sat back and watched an interview with Adrian, thinking it was a while since he'd seen him. Of course it made more sense that he hadn't travelled all the way to the other side of the world when the time he could devote to F1 was limited these days. Martin was doing his usual grid-walk and Mark smiled to himself as he saw Sebastian in the background suddenly looking very busy as the camera veered in his direction, then decided better of it. Mark was almost certain he caught a smile in the corner of Seb's eye as if he knew he was being watched.

Perhaps he did. Seb certainly knew his family were all watching, whether in England, Germany or Australia. Given that it was unfortunately two in the morning in Queenbeyan, Mark knew Ryan would doubtless have been packed off to bed long ago and would have to make do with a recording of the race, but Mark's parents were up. His father had sent him a text telling Mark his mother was making a pot of coffee to power them through and as he sent a reply another message popped up at the top which Mark guessed was from Fabian before he even checked it.

He sent a reply then dropped back on the sofa staring at the sinking sun that made the twilight setting of the race in Bahrain so spectacular. There wasn't much else to be said for the track in the desert, but Mark had to confess that the call to switch the race to running in the dark had been a brainwave despite his scepticism.

 

The FIA logo flashed up and the television commentary began its run through of the grid, the circuit, and what might be expected of the race and Mark could feel his heart-rate picking up horribly. Suddenly the shot cut to a close up of Seb in his car. It caught Mark by surprise and he sat forwards on the sofa, trying to read those blue eyes to see how Sebastian was. All he could really see was concentration, but that was good. Seb was focused only on the race now.

Mark gave him a wave he knew Sebastian couldn't see, then puffed out what was intended to be a calming breath and dropped back on the sofa. An hour and a half of torture beckoned.

  
  


  
  


  
  


By the end of the race Mark was convinced that he must have accumulated several more grey hairs and cut a few years off his lifespan as he endured watching Sebastian taking risks to get the over-takes he needed. Mark had been almost sure that another fourth place was all that was possible today, but three laps from the end Sebastian had found more in his tyres than Massa in his Williams and had gone all out to push to the wire, taking his chance to undercut him into the first corner. They had gone wheel to wheel until Seb won the battle of nerves and with his fresher rubber he left Felipe in his wake and also left Mark sitting so far out onto the edge of the sofa he nearly fell off onto the dogs who had settled there.

 

 _Third_. Mark huffed a dry laugh and picked up his phone to send a text as soon as he'd finished applauding Seb over the line and he knew he was safe.

MARK: Why the bloody hell do you save your podiums for when I'm not there?

 

He let out a long breath and dropped sideways into the arm of the sofa, letting his heart-rate settle before he sat up, took a drink of water and gave the dogs a rub to tell them how proud he was of Seb. Mark picked up his phone again, knowing Sebastian wouldn't be able to look at it, but not wanting the joke in his first text to be misinterpreted.

MARK: Awesome job by the way. Please pick up a box of 'Just for Men' at the airport so I can dye the grey out of my hair ;-)

MARK: Oh and I love you. Just in case you missed that bit. I wish I was there to give you the hug you deserve. xox

 

Mark's phone buzzed with messages from family and he distracted himself with replying whilst he watched Seb pull up into Parc Fermé to receive the congratulations of the team, then head up to the cool-down room. As Sebastian pulled his helmet off, Mark could see how pink his cheeks were and despite the calm expression on his face, Mark knew he had been pretty worked up on those last few laps. Seb's hair was all ruffled as he pulled his racing cowl off and Mark sat staring at the screen thinking how great he looked. It didn't hurt he looked a little bit sweaty too. Mark laughed to himself and shook his head. Thoughts like that could wait until Seb came home to him tomorrow.

 

He watched the podium ceremony, trying not to get too emotional about seeing Sebastian up there, failing miserably when Seb took his chance to turn the tables on his interviewer who decided to bring up the detail of his name once again.

“Of course this is you first podium as Vettel-Webber.”

“That's true,” smiled Sebastian. “I couldn't be prouder to have our name in the records.”

“No doubt you'll be hoping it's the first of many.”

“Yes of course, and I'm quite certain we'll be seeing it plenty of times in the WEC records as well.”

Mark smiled and raised his cup of coffee in a cheers motion to the screen.

“Well said sweetheart,” he offered as the interviewer switched tack and asked Sebastian more questions about the race and the car before swinging things back again.

“It's quite a contrast,” noted the interviewer, “you had so many people supporting you out in Australia, but here you're on your own.”

Mark huffed, wondering why they had to say that, but Sebastian's expression held as he replied.

“I have the same people supporting me, it's just that they can't be here in person this weekend. That's just the way it goes. I'm as grateful for that support today as I was there. It makes all the difference.”

“Thank you,” offered Mark from the sofa.

“So I'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you for that support and I'll see you soon,” Sebastian finished.

Mark smiled and rubbed at his eye that just happened to feel a bit gritty at that point.

“Yeah you will darling. Soon as we can.”

  
  


  
  


Shortly after that they were gone and Mark muted the television while the presenters wittered on. He waited to see any interviews in the pen Seb might do and then, finally, finally he might get a quick word with him on the phone.

It felt like forever before it rang.

“Hey.”

“Hey Seb, well done mate, that was really impressive.”

“I got your messages,” smiled Sebastian. “Have you gone totally grey then?”

Mark laughed and unconsciously ruffled his spare hand through his hair.

“I think I might have. Those last few laps were almost too much sweetheart.”

Sebastian leaned against the wall of his little room.

“Were they? Sorry. Last chance and all that,” he explained.

“No course. It was great stuff, just you know...”

“Scared the life out of you?”

“Something like that,” Mark agreed. “It's okay, you don't ever have to apologise for racing.”

“It probably looked closer on TV,” offered Seb.

“Yeah probably. Anyway it worked, that's all that matters. It was a fantastic overtake, a brilliant race all round. I'm very proud of you darling.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Thank you Liebling. I wish you were here. When they said that on the podium...”

“It wasn't helpful.”

“No.”

“They were probably trying to get a reaction,” Mark pointed out.

“Yeah I spose. Anyway, yeah I did wish you were there, but I meant what I said, it does make a difference to know how much support I've got, you especially Liebling.”

Mark paused, wondering what he should say to that.

“Mark?”

“Sorry darling I was just wishing I was there with you now.”

“Oh. Me too. I'll be home soon though.”

“You're still catching the red-eye?”

“Yeah. It should give us time for the debrief.”

“Righto, well I guess you need to be getting on with it then.”

“I guess I do. I can't wait to see you.”

Mark smiled. “Yeah me too darling. I'll be there, bright and early.”

“You're sure? I can get a taxi,” offered Sebastian.

“No I'll be there. Half six, right?”

“Oh Mark that's gonna mean you getting up at about four am.”

“I don't mind.”

“You sure?”

“Course.”

“We can go back to bed when we get home.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You'll get no objection from me.”

Sebastian laughed back and rolled his eyes.

“That wasn't exactly what I meant, but anyway. Okay I'll see you in the morning then.”

“See you then. Well done again sweetheart, oh and Mum and Dad say well done too,” Mark remembered.

“Ah say thank you and I meant them too on the podium.”

“Will do. Alright then. Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling. See you soon.”

“See you soon,” signed off Mark.

 

Seb sounded good, happy as he should be of course. Damn he missed him.

 

 

  
  


With little else to do now, Mark gathered up the dogs and decided to take them out for a long walk. A couple of days without rain meant the fields were manageable without trudging ankle-deep in mud, so Mark headed along the footpaths, letting the dogs run on where they couldn't do any harm and clipping their leads back on as they passed through fields with livestock in. Eventually he turned around and took the path uphill to sit on the bench, looking out at the view while occasionally throwing sticks to amuse Shadow and Simba. As they returned the stick to him once more, Mark gave them each a rub.

“You'll be happy next week, we've got your little friend coming to stay.”

Mark smiled as the dogs looked up to him.

“Fabian. Seb's little brother. You remember him don't you? He's very fond of you and I'm sure he'll enjoy running around tiring you out. Be nice to have a youngster about to entertain you won't it? Hmm? Yeah.”  
  


Mark gave them another rub then chucked the stick again. It would be nice to have Fabian to visit and Mark knew how keen he was to be here, but it was Sebastian that Mark missed. It didn't feel right to sit up here alone when he ought to have Seb beside him, nicely tucked under his arm and leaning comfortably into his side. Mark missed seeing Seb's smile every time the dogs ran back and fussed over him. He wanted to be teasing Sebastian about how he indulged the animals, even though they both knew Mark did it too.

Sebastian would be home soon enough, then they would have a few days alone. Then they'd be busy with their young guest, then another couple of days and Seb would be off again. Mark sighed at the thought. On and on it went; snatched time at home followed by separation. Even when they could stick together, their lives were still punctuated by endless airports and hotels around the world. He loved the racing when he got there, and Mark was glad to see Sebastian still enjoying it too, but it didn't make for an easy life. Sometimes a longer break from it all did seem appealing. The couple of months he'd had away from racing last year had been filled with worries for Seb as he made his recovery, and missing races hadn't been his prime concern, but not driving hadn't been as bad as he might have imagined it would be.

The summer would be good, Mark thought. They'd keep it as simple as possible: Arrange a nice straight-forward gathering at home for their little celebration and fit in a relaxing holiday somewhere around that. Of course that would entail more travel, but it couldn't be helped. Sometimes Mark wondered whether those drivers like Lewis who kept private planes didn't have such a bad idea after all. It seemed like an indulgence, but skipping all the hassle of waiting in endless airports would make life easier.  
  


Mark huffed a laugh as he found himself daydreaming about that whilst he gazed off into the distance. The dogs soon shook him out of it as they pushed in to get him to throw the stick again and he watched them happily race off. He smiled, wondering what was wrong with him lately that he found his mind wandering so much. Then it struck him as Mark remembered what he had daydreamed about before. He sighed, guiltily remembering that he had promised himself he would use this time alone to give serious consideration to the question Sebastian had asked him all those weeks ago. He had promised to think about it, but instead he'd avoided it. All this time by himself and he'd wasted it. That wasn't okay. It felt dishonest and Mark hated that feeling.

Shadow and Simba ran up again, but this time Mark kept them close, stroking over their fur. He took a deep breath and reconciled himself to really thinking about what he'd been avoiding: A child. Their child. His and Seb's. A family. A real family. He didn't even know why he'd been avoiding thinking about it other than a fear of what might happen if he came up with an answer that hurt Seb.

 

Mark thought about how happy Sebastian had looked holding his baby niece; that look in his eyes when he saw her for the first time and the way something lit up inside of Seb. There was something magical about it. Mark unconsciously continued stroking his hand over the dogs' fur as he tried to do as his sister had advised and not think about Seb, but him. How did _he_ feel when he held little Sofie? How had it felt to be responsible for young Ryan and feel the reflection of that uncomplicated joy at experiencing the thrill of being at a race, the strange satisfaction that came from making sure his nephew was enjoying it and kept safe? How would he feel if it was their child? If it wasn't just a one off, but permanent?

How would it feel if he and Seb were sat up here with the dogs and their child was here with them? A baby sat on his knee as the pair of them looked out at the view. A toddler running around the kitchen playing with the dogs making him and Seb laugh as they watched. Tiny arms around his neck as they held on while Mark carried them. A little child trusting him to take care of them and to provide for them, to protect them from ever coming to any harm, to keep them safe and to love them, _always_.

Mark felt something fierce tug inside him. He took a sharp breath in and looked up, then pushed himself off the bench, calling the dogs to go with him. He walked rapidly down the hill to get home, hauling off his boots and coat to go into his study and open up his laptop.

  
  


  
  


 

 

  
  


Next morning Mark stood waiting at the airport, clutching a strong coffee to try to wake him up while he stared up at the arrivals board waiting to see Sebastian's flight. He was slightly early, but the roads had been quiet. Better early than late. Mark never wanted Seb to walk out expecting to meet him and be disappointed when he knew how that would feel if it was him. He sipped his coffee and watched the next group of people feeding out into the arrivals hall. He knew it wasn't Seb's flight, but he watched them anyway, killing time. Even when Seb's flight had landed Mark knew there was still disembarking, security and bag retrieval to be got through. It always seemed to take forever.

Something flickered on the board and Mark smiled to see the flight number he was looking for appear in the correct place with the welcome word: Landed.

 

  
  


Sebastian stood watching the conveyor belt go round, looking out for his bag which apparently had been the last to be unloaded. He switched his phone on and smiled as he saw several new messages from people congratulating him and another from his brother he must have missed last night, then one popped up from Mark.

MARK: Don't know if you've got your phone on, but I'm here at arrivals. Look for the tall guy with grey hair drinking coffee.

Sebastian laughed to himself, then spotted his bag and shoved his phone away to grab it so he could haul it along as fast as he could towards the exit. It wasn't too busy at this early hour so he walked rapidly along, his flight bag on his shoulder, this suitcase pulled alongside, eyes forward, scanning before he even went through the doorway into the main hall. As soon as he got out there Seb smiled as he saw Mark wave and dump his paper cup to rush round to meet him. Sebastian hurried around and let go his bags to throw his arms around his neck to be wonderfully enveloped by Mark's strong arms in return. He closed his eyes and leaned in, feeling the warmth of the embrace, then pushed up to kiss him and see the smile on his face.

Seb looked at Mark, seeing something in his eyes.

“What is it?”

Mark just smiled and shook his head.

“Let's go home sweetheart.”

Mark took one of his bags and fitted his arm around Seb to walk them out to the car. He gave him a squeeze and an extra kiss on the cheek.

“You okay?” checked Sebastian.

“Course. You?”

“Yeah. Glad to be home.”

Mark nodded.

“I'm very glad you're home too.”

“You're not grey,” teased Sebastian.

“Hah. Give it time darling.”

“You're really alright aren't you Liebling? You must be tired.”

“I'm fine. I've been thinking.”

“Thinking?”

“Yeah.”

“Is everything okay?”

Mark gave him a reassuring smile and nodded.

“Everything's fine darling. I'm happy you're back.”

This wasn't the place to talk, but they needed to.

  
  


  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if that qualifies as a cliff-hanger or not.


	128. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No broadband at present, so sorry for the delay, but after much ado I have found a sneaky way to link up using my phone. So I really hope people are actually still looking for updates and haven't given up on me.
> 
> Okay, anyway, here we go, let's not leave poor Seb waiting any longer...

* * *

  
  


 

On the drive home Seb wasn't sure whether Mark really was tired or not. They chatted about the race and the flight and how Mark had got on at home, but something was a little off. He'd said he'd been thinking and Sebastian wanted to ask about _what_ , but seeing as Mark had swept on when he'd mentioned it, Seb wasn't sure whether to ask or just to leave it. When they got home Mark turned to him as they managed to detach themselves from the dogs who had pounced the moment they'd walked through the front door.

“Are you wanting to get a lie down or do you want a cup of tea?” offered Mark.

“I slept on the flight,” Seb reminded him. “Aren't you the one who's tired?”

Mark shrugged.

“I'm up now. Think that coffee's going to prevent me falling asleep.”

“Oh okay. Well I'll just stick these upstairs.”

“Want a hand?”

“Nope I've got it.”

“Tea then?”

“Yeah. Just be a sec.”

Sebastian lugged his bags up, then came back down to find Mark in the kitchen. He took a moment to fuss over the dogs while Mark poured the tea.

“Do you want anything to eat?”

“Hm?” Seb looked up from where he was ducked down by the animals on the floor. “No I'm good.”

 

Mark brought two mugs over and they sat at the table, drinking quietly for a few minutes while they recovered themselves, both grateful to be home together again. After a while Sebastian looked to Mark, breaking the silence.

“Don't you want breakfast?”

Mark shook his head.

“Had it when I got up. Think I needed the energy to drive.”

“Oh right, fair enough.”

“I might need second breakfast later.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and nodded.

“Yeah me too. Shall we take the dogs out for a walk in a bit? I could do with stretching my legs.”

“Sure.”

Mark took another sip of his tea. The mention of walking the dogs reminded him of yesterday. He gave Sebastian a little smile, wondering if bringing things up now was a good idea when Seb had only just got home after a flight and busy weekend. Maybe he should leave it till later?

Sebastian furrowed his brow a little, thinking there it was again; Something going on.

“Mark?”

“Hm?”

“What is it? You said you'd been thinking,” prompted Sebastian.

“Oh.”

 

Mark almost laughed. No putting it off then, he wasn't going to lie and say it was nothing. In truth he hated keeping anything from Sebastian and now he'd decided, Mark was itching to tell him, so maybe the sooner the better? He took a deep breath and turned a little more in to Seb, pushing his tea to one side and putting his hand over Seb's.

“Okay. So...”

“So?”

Mark looked into his eyes, thinking how difficult a subject this was to manage. No wonder Seb had never brought it up again.

“Alright, so I've been thinking about what we talked about.”

Seb frowned.

“What we talked about?”

“A few weeks ago. I'm sorry it's taken me so long, but I think I needed some time to get my head around it,” Mark apologised.

Sebastian stared at him, understanding what he meant immediately. He didn't feel as though he could speak. All he could focus on was the way his chest was moving in and out as he breathed. Mark took his hand to give it a squeeze and Seb held onto it as he waited anxiously.

“What do you mean?” risked Seb, his heart already ramping up in his chest.

Mark gave his hand another little squeeze and replied;

“Kids.”

 

Sebastian's eyes widened and his insides flipped. He waited again for what came next, trying hard to calm himself and shut down any hopes about what Mark might say.

Mark could see the frozen look on Seb's face and felt awful.

“Sweetheart I'm so sorry for leaving you hanging on all this time, but I had to be sure.”

“Mark what are you saying?” burst out Seb, feeling as though he couldn't take any more.

“I'm saying I think we should do it. I think we'd make good parents. Why shouldn't we?”

Sebastian took in a sharp breath, hardly believing his ears.

“You mean that?”

“Of course I mean it darling. I wouldn't just say something like that.”

“And you're sure? You're sure you want it? Not just to make me happy?”

Mark shook his head.

“No sweetheart, not just to make you happy, although I do want to, of course I do, but I wouldn't just say yes because of that. I couldn't do that. That's why I had to wait, to be sure.”

“And you are? You're sure? You're really sure?” repeated Seb.

“Yes. I'm sure. I think I was sure sooner than I realised,” Mark confessed. “I've been such an idiot darling, I'm so sorry. I should have known right away. My stupid brain doesn't know what's good for it sometimes. I put all these ridiculous barriers in the way to being happy in life, but they're not real, they don't matter. All that matters is our future and we should have whatever future we want.”

“A family?”

“Yes darling, a family, our family.”

 

Sebastian took in another sharp breath and promptly burst into tears.

“Oh sweetheart,” sighed Mark, letting go of his hand so he could wrap his arms around him.

Seb leaned into Mark, unable to stop the pent-up emotion spilling out.

“Sorry,” he gulped.

“No no darling, it's okay.”

Mark rubbed over Sebastian's back to comfort him, then feeling him steady, sat up to look at him.

“I'm so sorry Seb,” he apologised. “I can't believe I left you hanging on like this. I feel horrible.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I just, I didn't want to think about it, I didn't dare. I didn't want to hope.”

Mark sighed heavily and stroked over Sebastian's cheek, pushing away the wetness.

“Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry. I know. I just...” he shrugged helplessly. “I had to be sure.”

Sebastian nodded and wiped away at his face as Mark let him go. He took in a deep breath and held it for a moment before slowly letting it out to settle himself.

“Sorry. I always cry. So stupid. I can't help myself,” Seb admitted.

“No darling, don't apologise. There's nothing wrong with crying. This is my fault. I can't believe I let it get this long. I didn't mean to hurt you.”

 

Mark pulled Seb in for another firm hug and felt the way he took several more deep breaths to calm himself.

“Are you alright?” Mark asked.

Sebastian took in another breath and nodded.

“Okay. I'm just gonna grab some water.”

Mark stood and got them both some water, then sat back down, passing it over and giving Seb a rub on the arm. Sebastian took a drink to steady himself, seeing the way Mark was looking at him.

“Better?” checked Mark. Seb nodded and Mark gave him another little nod. “Good. Otherwise I'm gonna start at this rate.”

Sebastian managed a little smile, then rubbed his face trying to make himself feel more normal. Mark took his hand again.

“You okay to talk?” he checked.

“Yeah.”

“Good. Okay then.”

Sebastian took another drink letting the action calm things down and allow him to feel more settled and able to discuss things.

“When did you decide?” wondered Seb.

Mark gave him a little shake of his head.

“In all honesty darling I'm not sure, but I realised I _had_ decided last night. Well yesterday afternoon I guess really. I went for a long walk after your race and I realised what an idiot I've been.”

“What do you mean?” asked Sebastian.

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“The guilty truth is I've been running away from thinking about it. I'm not even one hundred percent sure why, but my subconscious kept creeping up on me and then yesterday I finally understood what I should have done right away. We'd make great parents. You're so good with kids and I like them too, I just never thought about them in that context.”

“What context?”

“Of them being for me, for us. That we could really do that. I suppose once apon a time we couldn't have, but now there's no reason we shouldn't. We've got this big old house going to waste, a big garden, plenty of money. We could provide a good home, there's decent schools around here.”

“Schools?” goggled Seb. “You've been thinking about schools?”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “That's what I mean about my stupid subconscious. I found myself thinking about the one in the village. That'd be nice wouldn't it? You wouldn't want to pack them off to some fancy private school would you?”

Sebastian let out an unexpected little laugh and shook his head.

“No. Nothing fancy, just a normal, ordinary life.”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“I dunno. It might be a bit out of the ordinary with it being us, but we'd do our best. At home anyway. We'd have to work out what we did about racing and all that.”

“Yeah, yeah okay,” nodded Seb rapidly, trying not to let himself get too excited about it all. He pushed out a breath and Mark gave him a smile, glad to receive one in reply.

 

Mark huffed a little laugh and stroked Seb's cheek again.

“See darling, that's why I couldn't say yes right away. I know what making you smile feels like. It's too tempting.”

“So you're really sure it wouldn't just be for me?” pressed Sebastian.

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Yes darling, for the thousandth time. I promise you. It would be for both of us. You don't do this without it being both of you. If we're going to be a family. The real deal. Then that's how it has to be.”

“The real deal,” echoed Seb.

“Damn right. Why shouldn't we have everything that we want in life?”

Sebastian smiled and squeezed Mark's hand, Mark giving his a squeeze back in reply.

“I mean I'm assuming you still want it too?” Mark checked.

“I've been trying not to get too hung up on the idea, but yeah it's what I want, but only if you want it too. It's being a family that I want and that means with you.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

 

“Okay then, so I mean we have to think about how we do this,” continued Mark. “I've been digging around doing a bit of research.”

Sebastian let out a laugh.

“Research? When?”

“On the internet. Yesterday. Most of yesterday evening and the night too actually. Just to see how things stood.”

“Right, and...”

Mark smiled.

“Well obviously biology's a bit of an issue.”

Seb coughed a laugh.

“Yeah, just a bit.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, so we really have two options don't we? Adoption or surrogacy.”

Seb puffed a breath. “God, you really have been thinking haven't you?”

Mark shrugged.

“Making up for lost time. So anyway yeah I dug around a bit and neither's a simple process, but we're kind of lucky because living here there's no bar to either. For us I mean,” he explained.

“Right.” Seb looked down for a moment, then back up again. “Umm, I have to admit something too. I was trying to stay away from it, but I checked too, you know what the rules are here.”

“Oh okay. Well, good,” agreed Mark, “so you've had a bit of think?”

“Only a little bit. I tried not to.”

Mark rubbed his hand.

“It's not a crime darling. Of course you thought about it. That's only natural. It's good that you did. So, okay then, what do you think?”

 

Sebastian sat up a little, giving himself permission finally to admit to what he had been trying to deny even to himself. He took in a deep breath and looked to Mark, hoping what he said would be okay. Surely it would be? Mark was being so good, surely it had to be fine?

“Alright,” picked up Seb, “so umm, yeah, I think we could be good parents. I know it would be difficult to work out what we're going to do practically with racing and all that.”

“Well let's just put that to one side for now,” offered Mark. “Let's start with the basics. How would we do this?”

“Given that biology's an issue,” smiled Seb, feeling more relaxed now.

“Yeah, given that.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay, so yeah the thing is, it's tricky, because I'd want us to be the same, to both be parents equally,” he asserted.

“We would be,” Mark assured.

“Mm, but if we went the surrogacy route then we wouldn't be, would we? One of us would have to be the father, biologically speaking anyway.”

“I suppose,” agreed Mark, “I don't think I'd have a problem with that.”

“No but it would always be there. A difference. I'd want us to be the same, _really_ the same,” Seb emphasised.

“Okay. Alright then so we'd adopt. We'd be equal then.”

Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes, trying to read them.

“And you could do that?” Seb asked. “You could love a child we adopted?”

“Of course. It would be ours wouldn't it?”

Seb nodded.

“Ours. Our little baby.” Seb felt a thrill run through him, as if his heart fluttered as he said that. He tried not to let himself get carried away and looked to Mark. “You don't think we'd have any problems, you know being a gay couple?”

Mark shook his head.

“They can't darling. Not here. That's the law. They aren't allowed to discriminate. We'd be treated just the same.”

“Yeah, yeah okay. I just, I don't know, I worry.”

“Well don't. It'll be fine,” Mark assured.

Sebastian took in a deep steadying breath, still not wanting to let his imagination run away with him, picturing a future where the two of them really did have a family. A child. A little baby of their own. Oh god, he was hopeless at stopping his imagination.

 

Mark leaned in a little to look at him.

“Now darling you know even if that's what we decide, it's still a long process. It wouldn't be easy. We'd have to be approved and that even before we get anywhere near them finding a child for us to adopt.”

Seb nodded.

“I know.”

“And even having a brief look at it, it's a minefield of bureaucracy Seb. We'd have to be prepared for officials combing through our lives. I don't even know half the stuff they'd look at,” Mark cautioned.

“But you don't think they'd say no? I mean with my past.”

“Darling that's no reason, besides what's there to object to?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Seeing a psychiatrist?”

Mark shook his head.

“No I don't think so. Besides you don't go any more. I don't think they'd even ask about that, but if they did, wouldn't Henry speak up for you?”

“I guess.”

“You've just been through some rough patches. There's nothing wrong with getting help. And you're fine now aren't you?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Apart from bursting into tears and getting myself worked up over nothing.”

“Not over nothing,” countered Mark, “everyone gets emotional now and then. I got a bit emotional seeing you on the podium yesterday.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah. So don't be worrying about that. I think it's more just checking that we can provide a good home and there's no reason we can't prove that. We're married, I'm sure our families would support us, money's not exactly an issue.”

“Yeah I guess, and we could give a child a good home couldn't we?” suggested Sebastian. “A child that needed a family.”

“Exactly.”

Sebastian squeezed his hand again.

“We really could be a family couldn't we Liebling?”

“Yes of course. It's just we need to understand this isn't something that would happen overnight. It's a slow process and we'd have to be prepared for that.”

Seb nodded.

“I understand.”

“And I think it might get tough at times,” Mark warned.

“Yeah okay, but we'd be doing it together. As long as we get there.”

“I'm sure we will.”

“I get that it might take a long time and it won't be easy, but just to know what we'd be working towards. I know it'd be worth it,” asserted Sebastian.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“If it's worth having, right?”

“It's worth fighting for,” Seb completed.

“Yeah.”

“And it would be Liebling.”

“I guess we're used to having to fight for things. We'd just have new goals to fight towards.”

“It'd definitely be worth it.”

“Of course it would,” agreed Mark.

 

“Wow. Ha.” Sebastian let out a laugh, almost in shock. “God I didn't guess I'd be coming home to this.”

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“Yeah, sorry, bit much probably. Maybe not great timing, but once I'd decided, I was dying to talk to you.”

“Put me out of my misery?”

“Yeah, that,” agreed Mark, feeling pretty rotten that it was true.

 

Sebastian gave him a little smile, still amazed that this conversation wasn't a dream.

“I'm so sorry I left you waiting,” apologised Mark once again.

“No it's okay. You're right, you had to be sure. It's better this way. Now I really know you are.”

“And you understand I'm not just saying it?”

Seb nodded.

“I trust you. That's the thing Liebling. You can't pretend. It's good.”

“I suppose it is,” Mark agreed. “Alright, so we'll start looking into it for real, together.”

“Yeah. Can we do it right away?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You mean now?”

“No, well maybe not right this second, but this week.”

“Your brother's coming on Thursday,” Mark pointed out.

“Well yeah, but once we're had a bit of a rest, this afternoon maybe?”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“You are keen aren't you?”

Sebastian shrugged up one shoulder.

“Well yeah, just to find out. I understand it's not like we fill in a form and they hand us a baby.”

“No it's definitely not that. Months darling, even to be approved and then god knows how long to be matched.”

“Matched?”

“That's what they call it.”

“You really have been researching,” noted Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“Just a first look.”

“Okay. So, we need to think about what we'd do don't we?” Seb pressed.

“What we'd do?”

“Yeah. I mean practically. Because racing, travelling all over the world. Kind of an issue with a baby in tow.”

“Right. Yeah I see what you mean,” agreed Mark.

 

Sebastian nodded slowly, thinking it through.

“I don't think it's realistic to expect we could just carry on as we are, not with a little baby. We'd be exhausted. Stef's struggling as it is and she's just at home.”

“We could get a nanny?”

Sebastian shook his head firmly.

“No.”

Mark laughed and shook his head as well.

“No, alright,” he concurred. “No nannies. Doesn't feel right does it?”

“No,” confirmed Seb. “If we're the parents, we're the parents. What's the point otherwise?”

“Yeah fair enough,” Mark agreed. “So, alright then, it's up to us.”

 

“I'd quit if I had to,” offered Sebastian suddenly.

Mark stared at him.

“You'd quit? Quit racing? You're not serious?”

“If I had to. If it was how it had to be,” insisted Sebastian stubbornly. “I mean if we applied and they said that, then I'd do it.”

“Seb,” sighed Mark. “You love racing. It's been your whole life. You don't want to give that up do you?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Not really. But if it was a deal-breaker.”

“Surely it wouldn't be? I mean I can't imagine them insisting on a stay-at-home parent, not in this day and age,” argued Mark.

“Well maybe not, but how would we manage?”

“Hmm.”

“I'm just thinking practically,” pointed out Seb. “I mean it's so hectic, both of us rushing around the world. Sometimes we're hardly home. Surely if we had a baby that wouldn't be possible, not both of us, not while they were tiny. I mean maybe if they were a bit bigger?”

 

Mark smiled at how much detail Seb was already getting into this. Thank god he really had properly thought about it before talking to him again. It felt as though they were on an unstoppable course now.

“Well, I guess you don't have to adopt newborns. I'm sure there's older babies, even children desperate for a home that we could adopt,” he noted.

Sebastian squished his face about and nodded.

“Yeah I get that, but Mark...”

Sebastian let out a sigh and Mark gave a shake of his head, seeing what was there on his face.

“That's what you want isn't it sweetheart? A little one?” Mark intuited.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. I mean you're right and I do feel a bit bad about it cos I know there's so many kids needing a family, but a baby, our baby right from the start, really ours.”

“Yeah I get it,” Mark agreed.

“Is that selfish?” Seb worried.

“No darling, I'm sure there's babies needing a family too, and being there right from the start, I get that. So we'd have to work around that then.”

Mark paused and puffed out a long breath. “I dunno, I suppose logically it would be easier if we waited until we weren't racing any more.”

“Oh but Mark, that's surely years and years off?” protested Seb. “I mean I know you've finished in F1, but you don't want to leave racing altogether yet do you? I thought you wanted to race on for as long as you could.”

“Hmm, I suppose.”

“That could be ten years, couldn't it? For you or me,” Sebastian pointed out. “And then all the time going through the process on top of that.”

Mark looked at Seb's face, already knowing that whilst objectively it might be more practical to wait until one or both of them retired, it was too far away.

“I guess, yeah I suppose you're right,” Mark agreed. “That is too far, especially if we really don't know _how_ far.”

 

 

Sebastian frowned, trying to think it through. Stopping permanently seemed unrealistic, but maybe there was a compromise.

“I could take a year out,” he offered.

“Seb.”

“No really I could. That would be better wouldn't it? If it's a little baby? That's what Stef is doing, so she can really focus on Sofie.”

“Seb you can't just take a year out.”

“Why not? Who says I can't?”

Mark let out a laugh.

“But Seb you love racing.”

“This is more important.”

Mark sat back and nodded.

“Yeah okay, but taking a year out in F1? People just don't do that out of choice.”

“I don't care what anyone else does.”

Mark smiled at how obstinate Seb sounded.

“Okay I applaud the sentiment, but you've only just got back racing. You fought so hard to get there darling, and you're doing well again.”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“And you are enjoying racing again?”

“Well yeah but...”

“You're twenty-eight Seb. These are your prime years in racing. Surely you don't want to give that up?”

Sebastian sighed with frustration.

“No, but I would if that's what it took. If we're going to have a baby then doesn't that need to be our priority?”

 

Mark flicked up an eyebrow and nodded acknowledgement. If they were going to go for it, then they had to go for it. Though it crossed his mind, Mark couldn't really bring himself to suggest that he retired early and set his racing aside altogether, but perhaps the alternative option was more viable.

“Yeah I guess you're right,” he admitted.

“So you think I should take a year out?”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“No.”

“No?”

“No darling. I think you are right though.” Seb frowned so Mark spelt it out. “I think one of us should, but it should be me.”

Sebastian stared at him.

“You'd take a year out?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you serious?”

“Seb do you think I'd say it if I wasn't?” challenged Mark.

 

Sebastian's mouth opened slightly as he stared at him.

“Do you think I couldn't do it?” Mark asked.

“No it's not that. I just didn't... well I guess I never imagined that,” Seb admitted.

Mark let out a laugh.

“No, me neither, but it makes sense doesn't it? I'm older. I'm done with F1. I like racing in Endurance, but a year out...” He shrugged. “I don't know, I've been racing twenty years now professionally. It might be nice to stand back, take some time away from it.”

“But you've only just got a new contract?”

“Well that's good. It means they can't say no.”

“What do you mean?”

“Porsche. I can take paternity leave.”

Seb coughed and sat back, slightly amazed.

“Really?”

“Yeah really. I mean Porsche is based in Germany. It's an E.U. country. I'm pretty sure they can't say no without getting into a heap of trouble.”

“But you were so keen for your new contract Mark. You love racing.”

“Yeah but, sweetheart this is going to take a while; a year, maybe more, so I'd be able to make the most of it, then take a year out when the time came.”

“And then go back?”

“And then go back,” confirmed Mark.

“Wouldn't Porsche be pretty hacked off about it?”

“Not if I handle it right. It's not like they'd be short of drivers to slot in for a year.”

“But if they're pissed off with you then might they not drop you?”

“They _can't_ sweetheart. I'm under contract. If they tried that because I took paternity leave they'd be breaking the law.”

Seb nodded slowly.

“I guess. It'd be a risk though.”

“It'd be okay. I'd manage it,” asserted Mark.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It'd be worth it wouldn't it?”

 

Seb puffed a breath and looked at Mark anew.

“Wow. You'd really do that for me?”

“I wouldn't be doing it for you. I'd be doing it for us.”

“I'm not sure I could ask it of you.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“You _aren't_ asking. I'm offering,” he insisted.

 

Sebastian shook his head as if trying to get his brain to accept it.

“You mean it?” he pressed.

“Darling,” laughed Mark, “haven't we just had this conversation? You know I only say what I mean don't you?”

“Yeah I suppose I do,” Seb admitted.

“You suppose?”

“No I know you do, of course I do, just...” Seb puffed out a long breath. “I'm just surprised I guess.”

Mark shrugged.

“Not as surprised as I am.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Look sweetheart it just makes sense. I know it won't be easy with Porsche, but last year I got myself in such a mess worrying about them and all I did was make myself miserable and make you worry about it too. It all turned out to be for no real reason.”

“I guess,” accepted Seb.

“I wasted so much of my energy on that. We both did and what good did it do us?” asked Mark.

Seb shrugged. When you thought about it, Mark was right; it had been worry for no reason in the end. So often that had been true; he let himself build up concerns, anxiety taking over and making life far worse than it had to be. He had to remember all the times things had turned out fine, despite his fears, not just the bad times.

“None I suppose,” Sebastian conceded.

“Exactly. So we can't put that first. We put _us_ first. We do what feels right.”

“And this feels right?” checked Seb.

“Yeah it does. That's what I realised. I didn't have to think. It's not about thinking. It's about feeling. It feels right.”

“So we should do it.”

Mark smiled, feeling so much better now he knew what the right thing to do was. In the past he'd let himself be torn between what he thought he ought to do, and what he knew deep down was right, and in the end his instinct has always turned out to be correct. No matter what the consequences were, even if it was slightly scary, he had to choose what felt right. It might be a risk, but Mark knew it was one they had to take, one _he_ had to take.

 

“Yeah. Let's go for it.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head again.

“So you're really up for the whole thing? Sleepless nights, nappies, screaming baby.”

“The whole thing,” confirmed Mark. “I mean I'm not volunteering to do it all on my own.”

“No of course not. I'd do all that I can. Everything when I'm not working, I promise.”

“You promise?” teased Mark.

“I do. I'd want to. I'd want us to be as equal as possible, just...”

“You'd still be racing,” Mark completed.

“Is that fair?”

“Sweetheart.”

“No I mean it Liebling. I wouldn't want you to feel you were putting me first. You already do that so much.”

“I would be doing it for us. For _us_ darling. We're a family, that's how it works. If last year taught me anything then it's this: family is _the_ most important thing, nothing comes ahead of it and you're right, we shouldn't put things off, we should seize the moment.”

Sebastian reached to take his hand and gave it a squeeze as they looked at one another. He nodded, knowing what Mark meant. Seb wondered sometimes whether Mark didn't feel it even more than he did. He noticed that Mark hadn't ended with _'because life is too short'_ , though the words hung there unsaid. What had once been a casual saying now carried far too much weight.

 

“Okay,” Seb agreed. “So how would we do it? It can't all be on you. Even if I'm still racing.”

Mark shrugged.

“We'd work together, take turns. It's just when you're racing I'd pick up the slack.”

Seb huffed another laugh.

“Pick up the slack?”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“Pick up the baby then. You know I think I might not be too bad at it?”

Sebastian smiled at him.

“I think you'd be wonderful Liebling. You're the most caring person I've ever met. I think you'd be a fantastic father.”

“Both of us.”

“Yes. Both of us.”

 

Sebastian took in another breath, surprised at how wobbly it was and Mark rubbed his hand.

“It's going to work out sweetheart. I just know it,” Mark asserted.

“You just know?”

“Yeah. I feel it inside. It feels right, true, like nothing else was ever really possible and it was always going to be this way. Like us. I just knew. Didn't you?”

“Yeah I did,” Sebastian agreed.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You know it's funny. It really is the same; Now I think about it, I can't work out how I didn't know before and how it took me so long to realise.”

“You mean us being together, or having a family?” asked Seb.

“Both. I think maybe it's the same thing. It's all about us being a family. Don't you think?”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“So then. It'll be fine. It'll all work out somehow.”

“Somehow.”

“Yes. I'm not saying we might not have a rough road ahead in places.”

Sebastian gave him a look, but the smile remained.

“Don't we always?”

Mark smiled back.

“Guess we should be well prepared then.”

 

Sebastian suddenly sat forwards and flung his arms around Mark.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh and hugged him back.

“You don't have to say thank you.”

“I never dreamed I'd get this lucky in life. I really didn't.”

Mark loosened his hold on Seb and put his hands either side of his face to focus on him.

“You deserve everything in life. We both do.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a kiss, then sat back a little

“It's not luck. It's just making a decision and going for it. You don't get lucky in races.”

“I do sometimes,” noted Seb.

“Yeah alright, sometimes, but most of the time you make your own luck don't you? By working hard and doing the best that you can.”

“I guess.”

“And taking opportunities,” Mark added.

“So this is the same?”

“Why not? We'll do all we have to to make it happen.”

“A bit of luck too though,” pointed out Seb.

“Oh?”

“To be... what did you call it? Matched.”

“Oh I see. Yes I guess there is some luck in that.”

 

Seb nodded, his brow furrowing as he thought about it.

“Do you think we'll know? I mean they don't just hand you a baby and say it's yours do they? I'm guessing you have to think about it for a while.”

“I'm sure that's how it must work,” agreed Mark. “It's a big decision. It's not like speed-dating.”

Sebastian laughed and pushed at his arm.

“Tsk. No I know. I meant do you think when we go through all that we'll _know;_ that it's right, that it's our child and we're meant to be together? Like you and I knew we were meant to be together, _forever._ That we were family.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yes darling I think we will.”

He raised a hand and stroked over Seb's cheek. Where there had been tears, a light now shone in his eyes and Mark thought how intoxicating it was to be able to bring such happiness to the person he loved. They were doing the right thing, he was sure of it. He leaned in and kissed Seb, sliding his hand to the back of his neck to appreciate the moment, then pulling away to look at him once more.

 

“You know we'll have to be patient don't you darling?” Mark advised.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I do.”

“Okay then.”

“I'll do whatever it takes,” offered Seb. “Jump through whatever hoops they ask of us, do any work they want.”

“Parenting classes?”

“Yes, all of it. You will too won't you?”

“Of course I will. I think we're going to have our hands full,” Mark noted.

“Well that's okay isn't it? We can work on it whenever we're home.”

“Yeah I guess we can.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and squeezed Mark's hand.

“People are going to say we're mad.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I don't give a stuff what anyone else says,” he replied, making Seb smile once more at his no nonsense attitude. “Right mate?”

“Damn right,” agreed Seb. “I know we have to be realistic, but even if it takes a long time I like the idea of having something outside of racing to work towards.”

“Well we'll be working towards our family's future won't we?”

“Exactly and you're right; it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it apart from our families.”

“Of course them. They'll be on side darling I'm sure of it,” insisted Mark. “And as for complicated, well that's just life. My life was simple before but I wouldn't go back to then for all the money in world.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You choose a complicated life?”

“That's right sweetheart. I choose a complicated life every time, because that's the one with you in it.”

 

Seb leaned in to kiss him, wondering as he always did how Mark made him feel so incredible.

“So we'll choose to make our life even more complicated.”

“Yes we will. It'll be worth it,” decided Mark, thinking about what had struck him the day before. “That's the thing darling. It might be difficult, it might make life more complicated. It might be a risk. But life is risk. Every risk I've taken with you has always turned out to be the best thing I could have done.”

He laughed to himself as he thought back.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“No I was just thinking about how stupid I was saying anything about rushing big decisions. I told you I loved you right after you were so brave and first kissed me, but it was right and I've never regretted it.”

“I should hope not,” smiled Seb.

“Exactly. I guess that's it. When you know, you know. It's just this time it took me a while to catch up to you.”

“So what made you catch up?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Well like I say I guess I finally understood what my subconscious had been trying to tell me. I was sat up on the hill with the dogs and I imagined what it would be like if we had our kid with us and it just felt so _right_.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It's not a logic thing. It's a gut feeling.”

“And it feels right.”

“Yeah it does. And I realised I'd been such an idiot letting myself get stuck on the fact I'd never thought about it, because what should that matter? I'd never imagined being married either and yet here we are. I couldn't imagine _not_ being married now, so harking back to all that bullshit I thought back in the day when I said I thought I'd never get married and have kids means nothing. Really darling I wish I'd never answered such a hypothetical question. What I guess I meant was I couldn't see it applying to my life, but I had no idea what the future would hold.”

“That's good in a way isn't it?”

“Hm?”

“It's good not to know the future. Life would be pretty boring if you did,” asserted Sebastian.

Mark laughed and gave a tip of his head.

“Damn right darling. See, that's why you're the smart one.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he smiled.

“I'm just glad you changed your mind.”

“I didn't change my mind really,” Mark argued. “I just didn't know my mind and now I do. It's a relief actually. I wish I'd been far quicker about it, but then I never was that good at getting off the start-line.”

“Psh,” dismissed Seb. “Rubbish. Anyway, I'm glad you took your time to think about it.”

“I'm just glad I got there.”

 

Sebastian took a drink of water and looked at Mark.

“Sorry I got so worked up before,” he apologised.

Mark rubbed his arm.

“Nonsense. I told you. It's my fault leaving all this stewing for far too long. Besides you're tired; long flight and straight after a hectic race weekend. I probably didn't pick the best time, it's just I wanted to speak to you about it as soon as possible.”

“No of course. I'm glad you did. I knew something was up as soon as I saw you.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Course you did. Well I suppose it's best I said then.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian pushed out a long breath. “I think I might just go wash my face Liebling.”

“You're okay?” Mark checked.

“Yes, never better. I just want to freshen up. I'll be right back.”

“Alright then.”

Sebastian stood and Mark picked up his half-drunk tea.

“This is cold. Shall I make more?”

“Oh, um yeah, thanks Liebling. I won't be a moment.”  
  


  
  


Sebastian went up the stairs to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face, then looked at himself in the mirror.

“Nope, definitely awake,” he shrugged.

He went through to the bedroom, changed into his comfiest tracksuit bottoms and hoody and returned to the kitchen just as Mark was pouring the tea, waiting until he finished before putting his arms around his neck again and pressing in close. Mark smiled and kissed him.

“Every time you do that darling you make me feel I should have told you earlier even more.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged a shoulder.

“How could you tell me when you didn't know?”

“Huh. Well that is an excellent point,” Mark smiled.

“Good.”

“Okay then. Tea?”

“Yes. Oh.” Sebastian stood back a bit. “Mark can I say something?”

“Of course.”

“Okay so I totally get what you're saying about it taking some time and all that and I understand that we've only just started talking about it, but...”

“What?”

“I think we should tell our families.”

“Ah.”

“Do you think I'm wrong?”

“No no.”

“It's just, you know not telling them before...”

“I understand sweetheart.”

“I'm sure we could trust them not to tell anyone.”

“Of course we can. I get it Seb.”

“I know we might just be getting their hopes up.”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling. It'll happen, I'm sure of it. It's just gonna be a long process. You're right. We should talk to our families. They should be a part of this.”

“So we'll talk to them. Tell them what we're thinking?”

“Yeah.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Your brother's going to be here in a few days anyway.”

“Oh god, yeah. That's true.”

“Well we can tell him while he's here can't we?”

“Yeah. We can trust him,” Sebastian insisted.

“Course we can.”

“And, well...”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You want to go see them?” he guessed.

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“I know we're always dashing about, but maybe we could go back with him on Sunday? Just for the day. Or me on my own. You don't have to come.”

“Of course I'll come,” Mark insisted.

“It's just... after everything.”

“I understand darling.”

“I want to do it right this time,” Sebastian asserted.

“Yeah. It's a big deal.”

“They will support us won't they?”

“Course they will. I think they'll be thrilled,” assured Mark. “I think our mums will be even less patient than we are.”

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath and hugged Mark again.

“We're gonna do it right,” Seb repeated.

“Yeah we are.”

Seb stood back.

“What about your family? Don't you want to tell them in person too?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I'd like to, but I can't see where we'd have time before the summer and I don't think it's fair not to speak to them before then.”

“Oh no I wouldn't suggest that Liebling. No. I just... Hmm, yeah, I don't suppose there is a gap big enough, but.” Seb looked at him. “There would be for you. You could go on your own? I know that's a bit rubbish, but I can't see another way.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“Darling I'm not going on my own any more than you are. I'm going to watch you race whenever I can. In person. I hate not being with you. This weekend was, urgh... Just _no_ darling, okay? My parents will be fine. I'll talk to them over the phone and we can see them in the summer.”

“And Leanne.”

“Of course her too. It'll be fine. Look sweetheart I get why you need to see your family to speak to them, but you're not to worry about it. We're doing it right from the off with them this time. It'll be fine, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Right then. Tea.”

Mark nodded decisively and handed over a mug.

“You want to go sit in the lounge?” he offered.

“Yeah okay.”

“Come on boys.”

 

Mark picked up his own mug and beckoned to the dogs to follow them through to the lounge where they could relax on the sofa. They'd barely put their mugs to rest on the coffee table and sat down when Sebastian turned to Mark and fitted his arms around his neck again, pushing Mark so he lay back on the sofa, making him laugh.

“You are happy aren't you?” grinned Mark.

Sebastian smiled down at him and kissed him again.

“Very. So happy Liebling I can hardly believe it.”

Mark let out a long breath and pulled Seb to lie on top of him. He put a hand at the side of his face and smiled back before returning the favour and kissing Sebastian, then he just let them settle.

“We're going to be happy darling. Stupidly, annoyingly, smugly, happy,” Mark declared.

Sebastian laughed against him and settled his elbows down either side of him so he could balance as he looked down at Mark.

“Even with a crying baby at two in the morning?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“Even then.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“We have to be realistic. It won't all be rainbows and unicorns.”

Mark laughed again.

“It might be exactly that if we end up with a girl.”

“Would you care?” asked Seb.

“Boy or girl? Hmm, not really. A boy might be easier I suppose, but a baby's a baby.”

“A teenager's not. Can you imagine us looking after a teenage girl one day?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Blimey there's a thought. I dunno sweetheart, I guess we cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“But you really wouldn't care?” pressed Seb.

“Just _ours_ darling. That's all that matters. We'll muddle through.”

“Muddle through?”

“I'm pretty sure that's what most parents do. Kids don't come with a manual.”

“Yes they do,” countered Seb. “There's tonnes of them.”

“Oh god,” sighed Mark. “You're going to read all of them aren't you?”

Sebastian smiled and Mark shook his head, knowing Seb would do exactly that and no doubt he'd end up doing the same.

 

Sebastian settled back down on top of Mark who decided that pointing out that they were letting another round of tea go cold was less important than making the most of this moment. He rested his arms around Seb's lower back and they lay there together for a little while, Sebastian dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder, both of them feeling happier and more at peace than they had in a long time.

Mark stroked his hand slowly along Sebastian's arm and moved to catch his eye.

“You know a baby would mean we don't get much time for this.”

“This?”

“This,” smiled Mark leaning his head round to give Seb a kiss.

“Oh.” Sebastian gave him a kiss back. “We'll just have to make the most of whatever time we do have.”

Mark huffed a laugh, thinking that was already true.

“I suppose you're right. I guess we'll just have to appreciate what we get. I don't know that we'll get much alone time.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I'll have to get used to sharing you.”

“Yeah me too.”

“We should make the most of now then.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian snuggled back in and Mark pulled him in a little closer, just to enjoy feeling together and happy.

  
  


  
  


Eventually Sebastian lifted up to give Mark a smile and then shifted slightly so he could kiss him again, more slowly and deeply than before. Raising his head he saw a grin on Mark's face and Seb grinned back.

“Take me to bed or lose me forever,” he teased.

Mark burst out laughing and rolled his eyes.

“Oh dear, we're not watching Top Gun again.”

Sebastian laughed back, but he tweaked an eyebrow.

“I might mean it.”

Mark shook his head.

“Lose you forever?”

“Well...” smiled Seb, “maybe lose me to a nap if you're not careful.”

“Ah. Now that sounds more like it.”

Seb dropped back down against him and sighed melodramatically.

“I'll just have a nap then.”

“No no, I hadn't answered.”

“Maybe I'm tired?”

Mark tipped his head to the side to see Sebastian failing to hide a smile. His round cheeks betrayed him every time.

“Oh well if you're tired,” he offered, deciding that two could play at that.

“ _Mark_.”

Mark laughed and tickled Seb's side who wriggled enough for Mark to get them to sit up.

“So?” asked Mark.

Sebastian smiled.

“I don't have to sing as well?” he joked.

“Oh god. No offence darling, but please don't.”

“No offence?”

“Um.”

Mark wondered if he'd teased too much, but Sebastian shook his head and pushed himself up Mark to stand, offering out a hand to him.

“I probably shouldn't say anything else should I?” smiled Mark.

“I wouldn't if I were you Liebling.”

Mark allowed himself to be pulled up off the sofa, keeping hold of Seb's hand as they walked from the room, the tea long forgotten. As Mark stopped in the hall to shoo the dogs off to the kitchen Sebastian turned to him and re-took his hand.

“Come on, I want to say thank you.”

“You don't need to say thank you,” countered Mark.

Sebastian took one step away towards the stairs.

“I want to show you how happy you've made me.”

Mark took a step towards him.

“You make me happy too.”

“Well then let's make the most of not sharing while we can,” smiled Sebastian, pulling him in until Mark was right next to him.

“Not sharing,” whispered Mark, his eyes locked on Seb's.

Seb shook his head.

“No. Not yet. Right now I want all of you.”

Mark took in a deep breath and Seb was sure he saw his pupils darken, that hungry look that always gave him such a thrill. He stared into them for just another moment, then forced himself to take another step towards the stairs, but there was no need to pull on Mark's hand this time and suddenly they couldn't climb the stairs fast enough.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


  
  


The following day when they spoke to Fabian on the phone, Seb checked with his brother to see if he wouldn't mind if they went back with him on Sunday morning. Then they asked his parents if they might be free if the came for lunch, getting a positive reply on both counts although they didn't say more than they wanted to take the chance to see them. Sebastian didn't want to demand that his sisters also come along when they might be busy, Stefanie especially, but his mother suggested they should use the opportunity to have a proper family meal and insisted on calling them, so he left it in her hands.

 

It was only after getting off the phone with Seb's family that it occurred to Mark that there was something else he had failed to mention to him. He turned to Seb on the sofa suddenly feeling guilty.

“Um, sweetheart.”

“Yeah?”

Mark looked at Seb's lovely open expression and knew why it felt so awful to ever keep anything from him. It felt as if it was undermining the trust they both valued so much and Mark hoped to goodness that he hadn't betrayed that trust by confiding in his sister.

He sighed and hardly knew how to start, but not to tell him would be far worse.

“Okay, so I was thinking about calling my family.”

“Oh you want to do it now?” asked Sebastian.

“No not exactly. Tomorrow morning might be better, then it'll be their evening,” Mark explained, “but the thing is darling, I have a confession.”

Sebastian frowned.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Okay so I feel pretty bad about this and I know I should have told you before, but I was so busy avoiding the topic I just didn't want to bring any part of it up.”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head, not understanding what Mark could mean.

“You mean about us having kids?”

“Yeah. The thing is I was going a bit crazy with it, not knowing how to, I don't know, how to deal with it I guess, and this was just when we went out to Australia.”

“You were worrying?”

“Yeah and the thing is, well Leanne, she's always known when something's up.”

“Oh.” Seb looked at him and realised what Mark was getting at now. “You talked to her.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No Liebling it's okay.”

Mark looked at him, appealing to Seb.

“I was just driving myself up the wall again, going in circles rather than dealing with it, so I just... I asked her for help to untangle myself a bit. She promised she wouldn't say anything to anyone and I know she wouldn't.”

“No okay,” Seb agreed.

“I sorry darling. Really.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You don't need to be sorry.”

“Are you sure? I hate the idea that I might have broken your trust.”

 

Seb took Mark's hand in his.

“Mark you needed someone to talk to. That's okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It's your stuff too.”

“I'd never tell her anything, you know, really private, anything about... the past or anything,” Mark assured awkwardly.

“I know you wouldn't Liebling. Stop panicking.”

Sebastian looked at him and gave Mark a little smile. Mark let out a grateful breath and leaned forwards to give Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

“It's okay. I know you talk to your sister. There's nothing wrong with that. I talk to my family, about some stuff anyway.”

“Sure.”

“And she helps you doesn't she?” Seb offered.

“Yeah she does. I guess I was doing really badly at talking to you at the time.”

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“We needed some time.”

“Well _I_ did,” Mark pointed out.

“So you had some. Did she help?”

Mark finally smiled.

“Yeah she did. You know how sensible she is.”

“What did you say, if you don't mind me asking?” Sebastian enquired.

Mark puffed a breath, trying to recall.

“Just that I was a bit thrown and I didn't know what to think.”

“Okay.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“She gave me a kick up the arse and told me to think about it properly.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Remind me to thank her.”

“Mm, yeah, and I guess she did point out that we both actually like kids which is pretty fundamental.”

“You could say that,” Seb agreed.

“Yeah. Ah thank you for being so good about it sweetheart. I'm not sure I've handled any of this very well.”

“No Liebling, it's not an easy topic is it? All that matters is we've worked it out now.”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian moved to give Mark a hug.

“Don't worry about it Mark. I'm glad she helped you. She's helped both of us really hasn't she?”

“I suppose she has.”

“I think it'll be good, to have more of their help in future. Our families I mean and not to have to sorry so much about keeping things back.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Start of a new chapter.”

“Yeah,” Seb agreed. “We'll call your lot tomorrow, we'll talk to Fabe, and at the weekend we'll see the rest of my lot. It'll be better.”

“No more fretting,” Mark agreed.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“God wouldn't that make a change?”

“Sooner the better,” smiled Mark.

  
  


  
  


 

 

Next  morning once they'd got home for the run Sebastian decided he would take a swim as an extra cool-down and Mark asked if he'd mind if he called Leanne while he was busy.

“You want to talk to her on your own?” smiled Seb.

“Um, well I'm sure she'd like a word with you too, but yeah just for a bit. You don't mind do you?”

Sebastian gave a shake of his head.

“It's fine. You go ahead. I'm only going to take a quick dip.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you darling. I'll grab a shower first.”

 

They went their separate ways, then ten minutes later Mark sat in the lounge. It would be nearly ten pm in Australia, but he was fairly sure that his sister would be up and hopefully the kids would all have gone to bed. The phone rang for a while and Mark was on the point of giving up and sending Leanne a text asking her to let him know when she was free when it was finally answered.

“Mark, hey. Sorry, I was in the kitchen,” apologised Leanne.

“Oh that's okay. I thought you might have gone to bed.”

His sister huffed a dry laugh.

“Fat chance. No I was sorting out packed lunches for school tomorrow.”

“Ah right. Are you busy? I can call some other time,” Mark offered.

“No don't be daft. What's up? You okay?”

“Hm, yeah good. You?”

“Oh we're fine. Well Ryan is fretting a bit about whether he's going to make the first team in rugby and Jem's still up working on this project she's got to get done, but apart from that, good.”

“Dean okay?”

“Oh he's fine. Settled in the lounge watching the cricket.”

“It's on now?”

“Ha. No. Recorded while he was sadly stuck at work missing it earlier,” Leanne explained. “Just the usual really. How's Seb? I take it he got home okay yesterday?”

“Yeah he's fine. He's having a swim.”

“Ah yes,” smiled Leanne, “in your fancy new pool.”

“It's not that fancy.”

“It's an indoor pool and gym at your house. That's already pretty fancy Mark.”

“Yeah okay, fair enough.”

“He really did great at the weekend. We had a watch of that last night,” his sister recounted.

“Ryan didn't fancy staying up in the middle of the night then?”

Leanne coughed a dry laugh.

“Oh he would have happily sat up until dawn when he had school in the morning. Unfortunately he has very mean parents who wouldn't let him.”

“You are mean,” Mark teased.

“Mm, anyway he said Seb's over-take at the end was cool by the way.”

“Wow, praise indeed. I'll tell him.”

“So are you calling for any particular reason or just because Seb is busy?” asked his sister.

“Ah, well in a way.”

“Oh?”

Mark smiled and shook his head at the way his sister always knew what was going on with him one way or another anyway. No wonder he'd started to worry if she wasn't psychic when he was younger.

 

“Yeah, so, you may remember what we were talking about when we visiting?” Mark checked.

“You and Seb?”

“No you and me.

“Oh. Ohhh, right. So, right you're calling about that then?”

“Yeah.”

“So have you had a proper think then?”

“Finally, yes. I kept putting it off, but yeah in the end I stopped procrastinating and had a think while Seb was away.”

“Right, and?”

“And we've had a chat.”

Mark smiled, knowing without doubt that his sister was now on tenterhooks waiting to hear what he had decided.

  
  


“Okay, so we're really still just at the talking stage,” Mark cautioned.

“But?”

Mark took a deep breath.

“We're gonna go for it. I mean we're really only getting started looking into it but...”

“Kids?”

“Well just one for starters would do us.”

“Oh my god,” gasped Leanne. “Bloody hell Mark.”

“I thought you'd be pleased.”

“I am pleased. My god that's amazing, but wow. You're going ahead?”

“Yeah. Not past looking on the internet yet or anything, but yeah making a start.”

 

Leanne puffed out a long breath and sat back.

“Wow.”

“You sound a lot more surprised that I'd thought you'd be,” Mark admitted.

“Well. I don't know. I guess you just sounded so undecided. What changed your mind then?”

“I didn't change my mind. I just didn't know what was in my mind when I spoke to you. You were right; my head was all clogged up with worrying about Seb and just generally stressing out about it. So when I finally stopped doing that and could think clearly, I realised I didn't actually need to think about it at all. I already knew.”

“Wow.” Leanne puffed again and shook her head. “That's fantastic though. And you and Seb, you've talked it all through?”

“Yeah pretty much. I mean I'm sure there's plenty we've not even thought about yet, but yeah.”

“So should I ask what you've decided then, or is it just in principle?”

“Well...”

 

Mark sat back and gave his sister a brief run-through of what they had agreed so far and what they were looking into. Leanne didn't sound surprised at them wanting to adopt, but she stopped at when her brother told her he was the one who would take time out.

“It just makes more sense,” Mark explained.

“I guess. I just hadn't thought about you doing that.”

“Did you think Seb?”

“No I guess I didn't really think about that bit at all. You're right about a baby needing time though Mark. Honestly you've really no idea. I suppose I thought if you did it you might wait till you retired.”

“That's just so far off though. Now we've decided, we just want to go for it.”

Leanne smiled, thinking how Sebastian and Mark were similar in character. Now that he said it, she wasn't surprised to hear they didn't want to hang around waiting any more than they had to.

“Mm. I suppose you've certainly got the space. It'll certainly be a change for you being home all the time,” she offered.

“I won't be home all the time. I'll be with Seb.”

“You'd travel with him?”

“Yeah, whenever we can anyway. Obviously there's a couple of places on the calendar we might not be too welcome, but apart from that.”

“With a baby.”

“Well we'd hardly leave it at home.”

“Blimey though. It's ambitious.”

Mark shrugged.

“Well we're still just talking about it, but yeah, we wouldn't want to be apart. Bad enough as it is when one of us has to go on our own or we're both racing at the same time. We want to be together.”

“Well of course you do. I get that, but travelling with a baby's not the easiest,” Leanne pointed out.

“We'll manage,” Mark insisted.

His sister shook her head and laughed.

“You sound very confident about it all.”

“Yeah I am. Honestly, I have a really good feeling about all this.”

“A good feeling?” teased Leanne. “Ah Mark, you've changed you know?”

“Yeah well... Guess I have. We've both changed a lot. Maybe we changed each other?”

 

Leanne smiled to hear him speak this way. She still didn't think her brother had any appreciation of just how much he really had changed over the past couple of years. It was no coincidence that corresponded with when Sebastian had really come into his life.

“I've no doubt we'll change plenty more,” Mark accepted.

His sister laughed.

“Yeah I've no doubt about that. Well, exciting times.”

“Yeah. It's pretty great actually. I was such a mess when I saw you and now I don't know why I let myself get like that. It's weird. I feel so relieved,” Mark confessed.

“You do sound better,” Leanne agreed. “It'll be because you've stopped worrying. That's bound to be a relief.”

“True.”

“And Seb must be pretty happy?”

“Yeah you could say that.”

Mark was tempted to tell her how sweet Seb had been about it all, how emotional he got, but it felt unfair to give away so much and he was glad he hadn't when at that moment the door opened and Sebastian stuck his head around it. Mark beckoned over and Seb came to sit next to him on the sofa.

“He's just walked in actually. Hang on a sec.”

 

Mark put his hand over the receiver and spoke to Sebastian.

“Leanne. You want to say hello?”

“Sure.”

Mark fiddled with the phone to put it on speaker and set it down.

“Hi Leanne,” greeted Sebastian.

“Hey Seb, so umm.”

Leanne stopped, wondering if Mark had told him what they would be discussing so her brother intervened.

“Leanne's been warning me about sleepless nights,” he explained.

“Ah,” smiled Seb. “Yeah we know most people are going to think we're mad.”

Leanne laughed at how cheerily he said that.

“Oh well, if you weren't beforehand, you will be once you become parents, so I wouldn't worry about it.”

“Well we only really just started looking at it,” Sebastian explained.

“Yeah Mark said,” Leanne replied, “that's good though. Best to find out as much as you can.”

“We are,” Mark assured.

“Yeah but we want to get going as soon as we can,” added Seb, “we've got to make the most of what time we have at home.”

“Well you do sound keen.”

“We are.”

“Mm.”

Mark placed his hand over Sebastian's.

“We know it's going to take a while,” he clarified, “but we're going to make a start.”

“Well if that's what you both want then that's great.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thanks Leanne,” echoed Seb.

“Well I suppose I'd better go finish getting everything ready for the morning,” sighed Leanne. “See this is what you're letting yourself in for. Sure you're up for it?”

“Yep,” replied Mark without hesitation.

“Yeah we are,” Seb confirmed.

“Sounds it. Good, well keep me up to date with how you go on won't you?”

“We will,” agreed Mark. “Oh don't say anything to Mum and Dad. We'll try to speak to them later.”

“Fine. I won't say anything.”

“I'll let you know when we've spoken to them.”

His sister let out a laugh.

“You won't need to. Believe me, once Mum finds out I'm gonna know about it.”

“Yeah good point,” smiled Mark, “ah well. I'll let you know anyway.”

“Thanks.”

“It's lovely to hear you both sounding so positive by the way, don't listen to me being a downer, of course I love my kids, they're incredible, even if they do drive me up the wall occasionally.”

Mark smiled at Seb and gave a little shake of his head.

“Yeah we know. Say hi to them for us.”

“Will do. I take it I'm not mentioning this to them just yet.”

“Um.”

“It's fine. Best leave it a while till you're further on with all this,” Leanne offered, not wanting them to worry about the children talking.

“Thanks sis. Bye then.”

“Bye Leanne.”

“Bye.”

  
  


  
  


Sebastian turned to Mark as he hung up.

“You want to ring your parents now?”

Mark checked his watch and re-calculated the time in Australia.

“Hmm, getting a bit late for them. Think it might be best if we leave it till tonight. That'll be morning over there.”

“Righto,” Seb agreed. “Why don't we have five minutes then we can take the dogs out?”

“Sounds good.”

  
  


  
  


 

Next morning Mark rang his parents as arranged, Sebastian by his side. When he told them of their plans Mark wondered if he'd expected them to be rather more surprised than they actually sounded. If he didn't trust his sister to have kept her word not to have mentioned anything Mark would have thought they already knew, but perhaps like her, they guessed more than they let on.

“We're really still just getting started talking about it,” Mark assured them.

“Of course,” agreed his mother. “Well it's good that you're looking in to it all. Do you think they might ask us about it?”

“Who?”

“The adoption agency, or whoever it is you have to deal with.”

“Oh. I'm not sure. Maybe. I think we might need some character references.”

“Character references, to be parents?” asked his father sounding taken aback.

“Well yeah. Like I say we're just finding out all there is to it.”

Alan puffed a breath.

“I should have thought it was obvious you could give a kid a good home.”

“There's a lot of hoops we'll have to jump though,” Mark explained. “I guess it's good really. They'd want to be sure everything was okay.”

“Hmm, I think a good many people could do with approving before they were allowed to be parents that have kids without a thought,” remarked his father darkly.

“Well never mind about that,” interrupted his mother. “I'm sure you'll be fine. Just let us know anything we can help with.”

“Thanks Mum.”

“Yes thanks,” added Sebastian. “We know it'll be a long process. I just hope they won't think with our background, you know, that it's an issue.”

“Of course it won't be,” dismissed Alan firmly. “Nothing wrong with your background. You've plenty to offer. Any kid would be landing on their feet to be with you two.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a little squeeze.

“You'd be happy to be grandparents again?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Of course we would. Your mother's already worrying about being too far away.”

Diane shook her head at him.

“I'm not worrying. I just wish we were closer, but then I always wish that.”

“I know you do Mum.”

“We'll just have to visit more won't we?” offered Seb.

“Of course you will and we can come to you,” agreed Diane.

“It's a way off anyway,” Mark reminded them. “It's not like we're going to pull a Madonna and sweep up some poor kid from the other side of the world. We've got miles of officialdom to wade through.”

“No, alright,” agreed his father. “I'm sure it will take some time. Perhaps that's not such a bad thing in the end. It'll give you time to prepare yourself.”

“Like any parent really,” noted Diane. “You'll just have a different sort of wait.”

Mark huffed a little laugh, still thinking his mother was likely to dislike waiting less than them.

 

“Mmm, now Mark, this business of taking a year out. Have you spoken to Porsche?” asked Alan.

“No Dad we're really just getting started with this.”

“Hmm.”

“I know it's tricky, but it's the best way.”

“I did say I would,” contributed Sebastian.

“Yeah but that's no good darling,” Mark pointed out, looking at him for a moment before addressing his parents on the phone again. “We've talked about it. Seb's only just got back racing and in F1, well you know how tough that is.”

“We do,” agreed his father cautiously.

“I don't intend to give up racing altogether,” assured Mark. “It'll just be a year.”

“And Porsche?”

“Well there's no point saying anything until we're a way further down the road. I'll manage it.”

“Hmm, I suppose so.”

“Look Dad we know that there's plenty of rational reasons to argue against it, but I don't think this is something we can really think of coldly. It's what we want. We just have to find a way to make it work,” argued Mark. “It might be a heart over-ruling head thing, but sometimes I think you just have to go with that.”

“No alright, I understand. We're not saying you shouldn't go for it. I just don't want you to have problems.”

“No, well me neither. I'll just have to work hard this year to show them what I'm worth.”

“It wouldn't look very good if they mistreated you over it, would it?” pointed out his mother.

“Yes I suppose that's true,” agreed Alan. “I don't imagine Porsche would like the publicity if they were seen to be discriminating.”

“Well we're not worrying about that just yet,” settled Mark, not wanting Sebastian to fret about it. “We're just talking.”

“Alright then. Well we're glad you're letting us know.”

“We'd rather have come over to see you,” Sebastian added, “it's just time.”

“Can't be helped,” assured Alan. “We know how it is. Don't worry. We'll see you in the summer won't we. Only a few months off now.”

“We're all looking forward to it,” commented Diane.

“Yes we'll get to see what you've done with the place.”

“It's really just the same Dad. It's only over to the side that's different.”

“Oh what will you do about that?” worried his mother suddenly. “I mean a swimming pool with a baby around.”

Mark smiled at her getting so involved and shook his head at Sebastian.

“We'll put a lock on the door Mum. It's fine.”

“Don't get ahead of yourself love,” cautioned Alan.

Diane sighed.

“I'm just excited. It's so lovely to think of it.”

“We're pretty excited too aren't we Mark?” contributed Seb.

“Yeah course we are. Just all in good time.”

“Alright, well I suppose we'd better let you go.”

“Thanks Mum, Dad.”

“Yeah we really appreciate you being so supportive,” Sebastian added.

“Tsk, what else would we be?” dismissed Diane.

“Thank you anyway. We're looking forward to when we see you in the summer.”

“As are we dear. With any luck you'll have lots more to tell us then.”

  
  


They said their goodbyes and hung up. Far away in Australia Diane turned to her husband and gave him a sudden hug.

“You alright love?” Alan checked.

Diane sat back and nodded, then wiped away a tear.

“I just didn't think with Mark, well you know.”

“Yeah. All changed now though,” noted Alan.

“Thank god for that,” replied Diane with feeling. “I can't stand to think how his life would have been in another age.”

“Well it's not in another age. It's in this one and there's nothing to stop them having as full a life as anyone else. They sound very keen.”

“Of course they do. Why shouldn't they?”

“I'm not saying they shouldn't. They'll need to be keen to do this.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well it's a sacrifice Mark's talking about. For all he says he'll handle it. I fear things could be difficult with Porsche,” Alan admitted.

Diane huffed, not wanting to hear any negatives.

“Well they've no choice. All Mark would have to do would be to go to the papers and they'd find themselves in trouble then.”

Alan huffed a laugh at how combative his wife sounded.

“Perhaps Mark should send you in to negotiate with them?”

“Tsk, he's perfectly capable of looking after himself. Mark will work it out.”

“I suppose he's right about Seb,” noted Alan.

“Hmm?”

“About him not being the one to take a year out.”

Diane shook her head.

“Not after all that poor boy's been through to get back racing. Besides Seb's too young. Mark's right, he's had his go in F1. Worst comes to the worst I'm sure he'd find another drive. Any team would want Mark wouldn't they?”

Alan smiled and leaned in to kiss her cheek.

“Course they would love. It'll all be fine. That apart from the fact we'll have a grandchild on the other side of the world.”

Diane sighed and Alan knew she was going to struggle with that, so he rubbed her arm.

“We'll visit. They'll visit. Perhaps we'll have to learn how to do that thing the girls were talking about.”

“What thing?” frowned Diane.

“Sky-ing. Skyping, something like that. Abbey was going on about it, that thing where you can see who you're talking to on the computer.”

“By satellite?”

“Something like that love. We'll work it out. Modern world and all that.”

Diane nodded. The modern world might be confusing sometimes, but if it gave her unexpected joys like seeing her son married with a family, she would tackle whatever technological mysteries required to be a part of it.

  
  


  
  


* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you thought it was worth it - you wouldn't believe how long it has taken me faffing about trying to find a way to upload this, it was driving me mad!


	129. Practise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second part of the chapter then, so we go to the other side of the family to see their reaction to Mark and Seb's decision...

* * *

 

  
  


On Thursday morning Mark and Sebastian were back at Heathrow where Mark joked they ought to have some kind of gold pass for the car-park. They were waiting on Fabian's arrival and were glad to see him racing out far more quickly than last time to greet them with enthusiastic hugs.

“I did that thing you said,” he informed them. “Look.”

Mark and Sebastian smiled to see a small red scarf tied to the handles of the black case he towed.

“Very good Fabe,” agreed Mark. “All plain sailing then?”

“Yeah much easier this time. I think when you've had more practise you just get used to it,” replied Fabian with the air of the seasoned explorer.

“Absolutely mate.”

He smiled at Sebastian who tried not to laugh.

“Well Mum will be glad to know you're here in one piece. Just let me send her a text and we'll head off.”

“Sure. Are we going straight home?”

“You excited to see what we've done with the place?”

“Yeah.”

Seb smiled and nodded, then quickly sent their mother a message to let them know Fabian had safely arrived, before looking back at the other two.

“Right. We're good.”

“Let's go then,” encouraged Mark, taking Fabian's bag for him. “The dogs are dying to see you.”

“Cool. Do you think they'll remember me?”

“Course.”

“We've been telling them you're coming all week,” added Sebastian.

“Great,” smiled Fabian.

They set off walking, Mark smiling at the way Fabian readily accepted the way they treated the dogs were a part of the family. He hoped the dogs would be as accepting when they hopefully gained another far smaller addition.

  
  


 

Once home they let the dogs fuss over Fabian and Fabian fuss over them in turn. Mark put away his bag for him while Seb offered his brother a drink. As Mark returned to the kitchen Fabian put his glass down and looked to him.

“Are you going to give me the tour then?”

“Sure. Have you brought your bathers?” asked Mark.

“Bathers?” Fabian frowned.

“Swimming trunks,” explained Seb.

“Oh right. Yeah course I have.”

“Good. Come on then.”

Mark led the way to show their visitor around their new extension, struggling to shut the dogs in the kitchen to prevent them following. Fabian was suitably impressed and wasn't to be dissuaded from wanting to try the pool out immediately, so they all changed and spent an hour messing about in the pool. Mark sat on the end, smiling as Sebastian dived down with his brother to show him the little added extra detail at the deepest part. The pair swam over to him and Fabian put his hands on the edge to haul himself out of the water while Sebastian stayed in front of Mark.

“Are they like your mascot?”

“Hm?”

Mark dragged his attention from Seb to turn to Fabian.

“The fish,” Fabian clarified.

“Oh.”

Mark glanced at Sebastian and gave him a little smile.

“Something like that,” he allowed.

Sebastian looked back up at Mark and was reminded that there was much they needed to talk to Fabian about. The symbolism of the fish was theirs to keep, but the rest they should share.

 

As Fabian took it apon himself to show them how well he could dive into the pool, Seb sat beside Mark, both dangling their feet in the water.

“Do you think we should talk to him this afternoon?” he asked quietly.

“If you want to. Whenever you like,” offered Mark.

“What did you think?” shouted Fabian from the centre of the pool.

“Very good Fabe,” praised Mark. “Show us again.”

As Fabian swam back to the side, Mark gave Seb a wink, making him smile.

“Maybe after lunch,” decided Seb.

“Sure.”

  
  


  
  


Mark and Sebastian cleared up the remains of their meal whilst Fabian was sent to sort out his room, giving them a few moments space. Mark put the last of the washing-up to dry, then turned to Seb.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.”

“We'll just make a cup of tea and have a chat. Nothing to worry about, yeah?”

Sebastian nodded and stretched up give him a kiss on the cheek, then turned as he heard a cough.

“Don't mind me,” teased his brother who had appeared in the kitchen doorway.

Mark rolled his eyes and deliberately gave Seb a kiss back on the cheek before offering to make them some drinks. They sat at the table, Sebastian chatting to his brother about school and life in general while the dogs fussed over both of them. Mark ferried the mugs over and gave the animals a pat before taking his seat by Seb.

“They think it's Christmas, all of us being here,” Mark commented.

“Better than Christmas,” noted Seb, “seeing as we were away.”

“True.”

“Shame you couldn't bring them,” Fabian suggested.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“I don't think they'd like flying somehow.”

“No. Plus you try putting them in a travel-cage. I had to take them to the vets once. Damn near killed me,” Mark explained.

“Oh good point,” allowed Fabian.

“We can take them for a walk in a bit if you like,” offered Mark.

“Sure.”

Mark took a sip of his drink and looked to Seb, knowing it was his turn to take the lead. Sebastian gave him an imperceptible nod in reply.

 

“So Fabe, while you're here we wanted to talk to you about something,” he began.

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian glanced at Mark who moved his leg under the table to press into Seb's.

“Okay so Mark and I have been talking, well we've really only just started, but we wanted to mention it to you.”

Fabian frowned at his brother.

“Is everything okay?”

Sebastian wanted to sigh at how his brother automatically assumed something bad was coming up. Not without reason he supposed.

“Yeah everything's fine,” he reassured. “It's just, well like I say, we've been talking, Mark and I, about the future.”

“The future?”

“Our future; Mark and me, what we want,” Sebastian explained.

“Oh right,” nodded Fabian, although he still had no clue what his brother was getting at. He didn't notice the way Sebastian let go of his mug to slip his hand under the table to hold onto Mark's.

“Yeah and um, well that's partly why we asked about coming back over with you on Sunday, so we can have a chat with people,” Seb continued.

“Uh huh.”

“We're hoping you'll be backing us up as it were,” noted Mark.

“Course I will.”

Mark smiled, thinking how Fabian had said that without knowing what he was backing them over.

“Thanks mate.”

“Yeah thanks Fabe. So, okay, yeah the thing is Mark and I, well we've been talking about what we want and... okay I don't know what you're going to think about this, but...” Seb gave Mark's hand a squeeze under the table. “We've decided we want to adopt.”

 

Fabian's eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly.

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “It's a big one.”

Fabian was still staring at them.

“You want to adopt a baby?”

Sebastian nodded a little nervously.

“Yeah. That's what we want. We want a family.”

“Oh my god.”

“We wanted to tell you, and the rest of course,” Sebastian explained. “We're only just beginning looking, we've not done anything about it yet, but we wanted you to know.”

“Right.”

“We're hoping you'll back us up as we say,” emphasised Mark.

Fabian nodded, still looking slightly taken aback.

“What do you think?” risked Sebastian.

Fabian nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, um, yeah that's, well, great.”

 

Seb looked at his brother closely.

“You really think so?”

“Yeah I mean of course. I didn't realise you'd been thinking about this.”

Mark huffed a laugh. “Neither did we. Honestly Fabe, we're right at the start with this.”

“We wanted you to be in from the beginning,” added Sebastian. “I didn't want to muck things up this time.”

“Oh I see.”

There was a pause as all them tried to work out what to say next.

 

“I don't know what Mum and Dad are going to say,” Seb admitted.

“Right. I'm sure they'll be okay.”

“Do you think?”

Fabian shrugged.

“Yeah. Mum's mad about babies. She never stops going on about Sofie and she's always over there visiting them.”

“This is a bit different though.”

“I suppose. It'd still be yours, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean they might be a bit surprised, but I'm sure they'll be fine. I mean, you know, I think talking to them and stuff. That's what they want,” Fabian explained.

“Mm.”

Mark gave the back of Seb's hand in his a rub with his thumb.

“Well that's what we're doing isn't it? We thought we could talk to you while you're here and then go over.”

“Sure. So you're telling me first?”

Mark smiled, knowing how that mattered to Fabian, but they had to be honest with him.

“Well seeing as we can't do this in person with my family, we gave them a call. You don't mind that do you Fabe?”

“No course not. That's okay. It must be hard not seeing your folks very often.”

“Yeah it is mate, but we're doing our best to balance it all.”

 

Fabian nodded earnestly. It was hard enough having Sebastian in another country. He couldn't imagine what it would be like if he was on the other side of the world. Mark could only see his family a couple of times a year and Fabian remembered him admitting to missing them.

“You're the first we've told in person,” added Seb.

Fabian nodded again.

“Thanks.”

“So what do you think?”

Fabian shrugged a shoulder.

“I guess it's good. Sofie's actually kindof cute when she's quiet. Is that what gave you the idea?”

Mark let out an inadvertent laugh and Seb nodded.

“Yeah actually I suppose it was, but we really only had a proper talk where we decided this the other day, so this is very new to us too,” Sebastian explained.

“Oh right.”

“We've just started looking at how we go about it,” Mark added.

“So what do you have to do?”

“Well, apply really, but we've been looking through all the details. It's quite a process.”

“And then they give you a baby?”

Mark huffed another laugh.

“Well it's not quite that simple. But eventually, yeah.”

“Wow.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah, pretty wow.”

 

He turned a little to Mark who gave him a smile and Fabian saw the way they were looking at one another; the way their eyes locked and they seemed to speak without words. They were so close. It was still something of a mystery to him how that worked, but it was nice to see. Nothing ever seemed to sit still with them though, there was always something new going on.

“So will you just take it in turns?” Fabian asked.

The other two turned back to look at him.

“Hm?” responded Seb vaguely.

“You and Mark. Will you take it in turns to look after the baby?”

“Oh. Well yeah pretty much. We'd just be the same as any other parents.”

“No of course, but I mean with racing and that.”

“Oh right, no Mark's looking at taking a year out.”

Fabian goggled at him.

“Really?”

“Yeah mate. Just makes more sense that way round. It'd only be for a year, then, yeah like you say, we'd take it in turns.”

“Oh okay. Wouldn't you miss racing?”

Mark puffed a long breath.

“Yeah I guess, but I've been in this game a hell of a long time. A year out couldn't hurt.” He smiled at Seb. “Give me a new challenge.”

“Both of us.”

“Yeah both of us. Besides it'll be fine. Seb's volunteered to do all the night feeds.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh. “Have I?”

“Well maybe not right before a race,” allowed Mark with a grin.

“I will help though. We'd be working together and if it's only me racing, then at least that cuts out all the time we're travelling on the WEC calendar too.”

“I suppose. What about after a year?” wondered Fabian.

“Well we don't give the baby back.”

Fabian rolled his eyes.

“No obviously not.”

“We'll work it out,” assured Mark. “I think we'll just have to play it by ear, see how we're managing.”

“Maybe just go along to European races together,” added Sebastian. “We're not sure yet.”

“I don't think we can be sure until we get to that point. It might be fine.”

“The baby might like planes,” offered Fabian.

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Yeah mate, you never know. I guess stranger things have happened.”

“They'd better like racing.”

“They'll be our kid. Course they'll like racing,” smiled Mark.

“I'm not sure a baby really cares where it is as long as it's looked after properly,” pointed out Sebastian. “I mean it's not like we'd leave it in the corner of the garage.”

Fabian shook his head, knowing his brother was teasing him.

“Obviously not.”

“I'm sure we'd pop down to say hello,” offered Mark, “but a garage is no place for a baby. I think I'd be spending a lot of time in hospitality, annoying everyone else in there.”

“Annoying them?”

“Babies aren't known for picking their times when to be quiet. I suppose I might have to hole up in your room Seb.”

Sebastian turned to him.

“You wouldn't have to come to all the races.”

“I'd want to.”

“Yeah but...”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“No point worrying about it now. That's a way off, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.” Seb turned back to his brother. “Anyway, that's the plan, pretty much anyway. What do you think?”

 

Fabian nodded.

“Yeah. I think that's pretty amazing actually.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, I guess it's a bit hard to imagine really, but if that's what you want then I'm sure you'd be good at it.”

“We know it wouldn't be easy,” admitted Seb.

Mark let go Sebastian's hand and put his arm around him.

“Nothing worth having is. We'll be fine.”

“I'm sure you will,” agreed Fabian.

“We're a long way off anything yet,” Sebastian reminded him. “We haven't even applied and then we'd need to be approved before anything else.”

“Sure. But they'll say yes won't they? I mean it's okay about you... well, I mean about you being gay and that. It's not a problem these days or anything?”

“No officially it's all the same.”

“It _is_ all the same,” confirmed Mark. “It's just a lengthy process for anyone. I suppose that gives people time to be sure about things too.”

“We are sure.”

“Of course we are, but then they'll know that, won't they?”

“Yeah I guess.”

 

“I think Mum and Dad will just be pleased,” offered Fabian.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I can talk to them if you like?”

Sebastian smiled.

“No it's fine, we'll talk to them. It's just it'll help to know we have your support that's all.”

“Oh. Well yeah, course.”

“Thank you.”

“I don't think you need to worry about it.”

“Yeah okay. Well we'll see them on Sunday. In the meantime if you could not mention it?”

“Course not.”

“Thanks.”

Fabian nodded, then looked to Mark.

“What did your family say?”

“Yeah they were fine mate. Like you say, just pleased. My mum's already worrying about being so far away.”

“Yeah. I wish you lived nearer.”

“Mm, well...”

“We'll visit,” Seb assured. “And you can come here can't you?”

“I guess.”

“You'll be an old hand at this travelling malarkey,” suggested Mark. “Uncle Fabe.”

Fabian smiled.

“Have you told the dogs?”

“Ha.” Mark looked down at the animals who had settled under the table between them. “What do you think guys. Fancy us having a puppy?”

Sebastian batted at his arm.

“Not a puppy for heaven's sake.”

Mark grinned at him.

“Bet they'll think it is.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“And we shouldn't say 'it'.”

“Hm?”

“For the baby. It's not an 'it'.”

Mark shrugged.

“Well we don't know do we.”

“Don't know what?” asked Fabian.

“Boy or girl.”

“Oh. Wow. Can you pick?”

Sebastian gave a shake of his head.

“We're not picking. I don't want to think of it like that. We'll find our baby and then that'll be that.”

 

Mark smiled over at Fabian who still looked somewhat confused.

“We're just going to see what happens,” he explained.

“Fate,” replied Fabian.

“Hm?”

“You're leaving it to fate.”

“Oh, well sort of I suppose. I think we'd rather think of it as having an open mind.”

“We'll know when it's right,” confirmed Seb.

“How?”

“Because we just will. Maybe it is about fate, but we're going to make it happen and then, well, we'll go from there.”

Fabian nodded, then huffed a little laugh.

“You're pretty brave.”

“Brave?”

“Yeah. You just go for it; getting married, adopting a baby. I think that's brave.”

Mark smiled at him and leaned a little into Seb at his side.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thanks. We know some people might not approve,” Sebastian added.

“We don't care about them. We only care what our families think, right?” insisted Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Well you'll be fine then,” assured Fabian. “and Stef'll be pleased.”

“Oh?”

“Sofie'll have a cousin to play with,” he smiled.

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Guess she will.”

“Good stuff,” finalised Mark. “Well there we go, all good. So we'll pop over on Sunday to have a chat and let you know how we go on from here.”

“Sure,” nodded Fabian. “Thanks.”

“What for?”

“For telling me.”

“Ah. No problem kiddo. We wanted to didn't we?”

“Yeah we did,” Seb confirmed.

“Right, well I won't say anything.”

“Thanks. Just till the weekend.”

“Sure.” Fabian paused, then added. “This wasn't why you invited me was it?”

“No Fabe it wasn't. I promise we literally decided this a couple of days ago,” assured Seb.

“Okay, sorry.”

“No it's fine.”

“Right, well why don't we get a bit of fresh air, take the dogs out?” decided Mark.

“Yeah okay,” agreed Fabian.

“Alright sweetheart?” Mark asked Seb, half meaning them going out, but mostly checking about the conversation just gone.

“Course. All good,” Sebastian replied.

He leaned away to the side to see the dogs.

“Come on boys, Fabe wants to take you for a run around.”

“Leads are on the shelf by the front door if you want to grab them,” offered Mark to their visitor.

“Oh sure.”

 

Fabian got up and the dogs trailed with him into the hall. The moment he was gone Mark gave Sebastian a quick hug.

“All fine, see?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Right then, forget the rest till Sunday. Fresh air, dogs, let your brother have a run around.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I thought the dogs were the one having a run around.”

Mark gave him a wink and Seb laughed.

“They like having a puppy to play with,” joked Mark.

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he smiled.

“Yeah okay. Let's go keep an eye on them then.”

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


Fabian's ready acceptance of their plans helped Seb feel far more confident about going to visit the rest of the family in Germany to tell them. They spent an easy couple of days amusing themselves at home and out and about, letting Fabian pick what film they watched in the evenings and making the most of the time that they had. Sebastian was almost disappointed when Sunday arrived and they were at the airport once more, but in a way he knew it was good. He needed to speak to his family and leaving it any longer would only mean worrying over it.

At least this time around there was no lingering on the doorstep of his parents' place. Instead Fabian let them in with his key, breezing through into the hall with a yelled greeting that brought their parents out to meet them, offering welcoming hugs.

“You made it alright then?” greeted Norbert.

“We really could have come to collect you,” reminded Heike.

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's fine. I'm sure you were busy making lunch.”

“Well...”

“Mel's here already,” interceded Norbert, “the others will be here soon. Why don't you take your bag on up Fabian and we'll have a sit down. Mark, what will you have, tea or coffee?”

“Oh coffee thank you.”

“Seb?”

“Same please Dad.”

Norbert nodded.

“Go on through then. Fabian are you having a drink?”

“I'll have the same.”

His mother scoffed and shook her head at him copying them.

“Honestly. Put your things away and come back down.”

Melanie had appeared in the lounge doorway and they were distracted by greeting her while Fabian lugged his back up the stairs and their parents went to sort out drinks and check on lunch cooking in the oven.

  
  


  
  


It was a couple of hours later with the whole family assembled as they finished lunch that Seb managed to look to Mark to give him a hint that the moment might finally be right. Stef and Jan had arrived with the baby shortly after them and the whole family had been distracted fussing over little Sofie. It felt wrong to steal their attention and Seb had been too happy getting to spend some time with his niece again. He and Mark couldn't help themselves exchanging secret smiles as they did so earlier, but now it was time.

“It's nice that you could get back so soon,” offered Heike as she doled out an extra portion of desert for Fabian seeing as no one else would take it.

“Oh well it just seemed a good opportunity,” Seb replied.

“And when are you off?” checked his father.

“Early Wednesday.”

“Very early,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian turned to him.

“I can get a taxi.”

Mark simply shook his head and Sebastian shrugged one shoulder before turning back to his mother.

“Well anyway, yes, early on Wednesday.”

“You're not going Mark?” asked Mel.

“Mark's got his race at Silverstone the same weekend I'm in China,” pointed out Seb before Mark could answer.

“Oh I see. The calendar in your kitchen must be full.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Yeah I'll say. I worked out the other day that we have at grand total of four weekends free together at home after this until the summer break in August.”

“You're kidding?”

“Fraid not.”

“You boys certainly work hard,” offered Norbert.

“Well I'm just glad you took the time to come see us,” Heike added.

“We wanted to see you,” replied Seb, “and I guess the chance to talk to you while we're here.”

“Have you worked out a date for your party thing in the summer?”

“Um, no not exactly. Maybe the weekend of the twentieth of August, if people could do then?”

“My sister's kids don't have the same school holidays as over here you see,” Mark informed them.

“Oh, well we're easy aren't we? What about you Mel?” asked Heike.

“Sure. If it's just at the weekend that's fine,” she agreed.

“Stef you're off of course, Jan?” Heike prompted.

“Oh I'll have to look into it,” Jan replied. “As far as I'm aware I've not got anything, but I'll check.”

“Just let us know. It's not set in stone,” Mark offered.

“I will.”

“Is that what you wanted to talk to us about?” wondered Stefanie.

Sebastian looked at her as she held the baby on her knee. He'd watched the way she held onto Sofie throughout lunch, Stef managing to eat with just a fork in one hand and wondered whether he would have to learn to do the same before too long. How long that might be off in the future, he didn't know.

 

“Oh, um, no. Well, yes I suppose and we really did want to take the opportunity to pop over and see you all, but there was something else we wanted to mention, Mark and I.”

Sebastian looked to Mark, feeling a worrying sense of de-ja-vu. Surely this time it wasn't going to be so bad? Fabian seemed sure they'd only be pleased. His sisters were reliable enough, but what would his parents think? Mark's hand went to cover his and Sebastian took in a breath, feeling strengthened by it. Mark gave him a little smile, part of him wishing he could save Seb the worry he was feeling and do this for him, but Mark knew he couldn't. This was Seb's family, he needed to tell them himself.

Sebastian noticed the way everyone had gone quiet and were looking at him. It made him want to freeze and run away or at least ask Mark to take over, but he had to be brave and pray that this time it would work out. He took a sip of water and went on.

“Yeah, so we've been talking, just talking for now, but we wanted to include you and tell you what we were thinking,” Seb explained.

“Thinking about what?” asked Norbert.

“Oh let him get it out,” chided Heike. “Go on Seb, yes?”

“Right well, like I say we're just talking, Mark and I, we're really only at the very preliminary stages of looking at this, but we've decided we want to adopt.”

 

“Oh my goodness,” let out his mother.

Sebastian's heart had ramped up and he looked around anxiously, so intent on looking for his family's reaction that he barely noticed that Mark had moved so he could fit his arm around his side. Stefanie had let out a tiny gasp and put her hand over her mouth, but Seb hoped there were the beginnings of a smile behind it. Mel was wide-eyed and his brother of course was doing his best not to make it too obvious that they had already had this discussion. It was his parents that he was worrying about though.

“So, um, we wanted to let you know that was what we were thinking. We haven't done anything other than look so far, and you know, obviously talk a lot about it,” he braved continuing.

His mother nodded dumbly, and his father puffed a breath.

“I'm sorry we always seem to come here to make announcements,” Sebastian apologised.

By his side Mark couldn't help making a little 'tsk' noise at Seb feeling the need to apologise, but he still didn't want to step in unless it was necessary.

“You can do that in England, then?” asked Norbert. “Adopt. You and Mark together I mean.”

“Yeah. We've looked into it. It's the same for everybody.”

“I see. Well. That's good then.”

“Is it?” checked Seb.

Norbert frowned, wondering why he would respond like that.

“Of course it is.”

“I wasn't sure what you'd think.”

Norbert sat a little further forward, feeling terrible at the measured tone of his son's voice and how that told him Seb was trying to hide how anxious he was. How had it come to this?

“Seb we just want you to be happy.”

Heike took in a little breath and shook her head.

“How could you imagine we'd think anything else?”

“Well I...”

“Oh Seb.”

 

His mother sighed and looked to her husband, wondering how they had gone so wrong with their son that he might think they wouldn't want whatever was best for him. She didn't know what to say so Heike got up and went around to where Mark and Seb sat at the side of the table. She ducked down by her son and looked at him.

“That's all we want sweetheart. It's all we ever want. We just want you to be happy.”

Mark gave Seb an extra little squeeze, then let him go as he turned more to his mother and Heike raised up enough to give him a hug. As she let him go she looked at the pair of them.

“That's wonderful news.”

Before Seb could question it again, Mark intervened.

“Thank you.”

Heike nodded and went round to give him a hug as well.

“We're happy for you both. Of course we are.”

“Thanks,” replied Mark wanting to keep things positive. “As Seb says, we're only just getting started. We don't know how long it'll take, but quite a while.”

“Well, still...”

Sebastian looked at his mother.

“Thanks Mum.”

Heike gave a little shake of her head and rubbed his arm. They had to get better at this. It felt as though they had leapt straight from their son being little more than a child to being a full adult. It was their fault that they had missed what came between, but it still felt as though every time they saw Seb they were playing catch up. Moving in with Mark and getting married, now this. Everything seemed on fast-forward, but perhaps that was inevitable given their affinity with speed. She could comment that they seemed to be rushing things again, but what good would it do?

“That's wonderful news,” Heike confirmed. “Congratulations.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“We haven't actually done anything yet.”

“But you will, won't you? The decision's the main thing, surely?”

“I guess so.”

“Well then, there we go.”

Heike nodded at the pair of them and went back to her seat so they could talk some more and the rest of the family could have their say.

 

Stefanie looked down at her little daughter and then across at Sebastian who was now discussing their plans. He seemed so much more animated once their parents had responded positively. She wondered if they had any idea how much of an affect they had on Seb, indeed all of them. This latest announcement wasn't a complete shock, not altogether, but Stef had to admit she hadn't anticipated it. Maybe they should have guessed when her brother had been so keen on the baby, but then of course her own mind had felt like soup at the time. It seemed more of a shame than ever that they didn't live closer.

“You'll have to come over and get some practise in,” she offered.

“We'll try.”

“And we'll come over in the summer of course,” Jan added. “We can have a rest and you two can look after Sofie.”

“If you like,” agreed Seb, only wanting things to be positive today.

“Great,” smiled Stef. “I can have a lie-in.”

“You could teach her to swim,” suggested Fabian.

“Bit small for that,” Mark pointed out.

“She enjoys being in the water, in the bath of course,” Stef informed them, “but as long as the pool isn't too cold she might like it.”

“We'll buy her a little inflatable, like those floating vest things,” offered Seb.

“Very kind.”

“Another night like last night and we might just leave her for a longer stay,” joked Jan.

Stefanie turned and pulled a face at him.

“That's not funny.”

“I'm not sure I'm joking.”

Stefanie raised her eyebrows and Jan held up a hand.

“I am joking. Course I am, aren't I Sofie?” He leaned in to his daughter and chubbed her cheek. “Daddy's little angel. Even if you do decide you want to spend time with us at two in the morning, not two in the afternoon.”

Stefanie rolled her eyes and looked over at Mark and Sebastian.

“You're really prepared for all this?”

“Course.”

Mark shrugged.

“Maybe not right now, but we will be.”

“Well you can change all the nappies you like for us,” volunteered Jan. “We'll even give you a certificate.”

Mark and Sebastian laughed.

“We actually will need some practise,” Seb admitted.

“Maybe we'll start you off with the easier stuff.”

“All jokes aside we think we may need some references,” Mark explained.

“Oh?”

“Yeah well we have to be approved don't we?”

“Oh right, well sure, just let us know.”

“Why wouldn't you be approved?” asked Heike.

“Well we're hoping it's just a procedure,” Mark assured them.

“Of course you'll be approved,” insisted Norbert. “No reason not to in this day and age, surely?”

“It's just something we've got to go through,” Sebastian explained. “It's all going to take some time and quite a lot of work.”

“Do you know how long?” asked Melanie.

“Not really. Everything you read is really vague. I guess they don't want people to get their hopes up too much.”

“Right, well I'm sure it'll be fine. If you need us to say anything then let us know and we'll say whatever you need us to.”

“Thanks. Really. It means a lot.”

Mark had fitted his arm back around Seb, hardly noticing that he'd done it. Even with all his assurances before they came, Mark had carried some concerns as to how Seb's parents might handle their news, but it seemed this time at least they had learnt their lesson, or perhaps Seb was just right and it was coming in at the start, rather than after the fact, that made the difference. It did feel better this way around.

 

“Well this is all very exciting news,” offered Norbert. “Why don't we clear up and you can all go sit in the lounge?”

 

Heike refused offers of help, even to Fabian's astonishment, from him, so they went through to the lounge as requested. Stefanie smiled at Sebastian as he took a seat and handed over the baby.

“You should get some flying hours in,” she advised, before going to between her sister and Jan.

Sebastian shifted Sofie up a little in his arms and looked down at her.

“Hello. Aren't you being good?”

Jan smiled over.

“I could record a video on my phone of her being less angelic in the middle of the night if you'd like a fairer reflection?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and leaned in to her.

“Isn't your daddy mean? I think you're an angel.”

He turned and smiled at Mark who could only smile back. Mark slipped his arm around Seb's back and sat his chin on his shoulder to look down at the baby.

“Knowing our luck we'll get a baby who screams non-stop.”

“Ah no we won't,” argued Sebastian.

“All babies cry darling.”

“I know, but not all the time.”

“No I suppose not. Hopefully anyway.”

“She'll want a feed in a bit. Do you fancy having a go?” offered Stefanie.

Sebastian looked up at her.

“Um, sure.”

 

A few minutes later Heike and Norbert came through bearing more drinks. They handed them out, then turned to look at Mark and Seb.

“Well you do look at home,” noted Seb's father.

His mother merely smiled at them.

“Shall I just put your drinks here?” offered Norbert indicating the coffee table.

“Oh, yeah thanks.”

“Now that's something you'll have to get used to,” noted Stef.

“Hm?”

“No free hands. I pour away more drinks every day than I care to count.”

“Oh I see.”

“You're just not the priority any more. You have to get used to that.”

Sebastian nodded, then looked back to the baby. He wondered if he was used to being selfish and focussing on himself and Mark. How would it feel to share Mark with another person who was more important than him? It would be an adjustment to put it mildly. Even with Mark taking a year out it would be a lot of work for both of them.

There would surely be times when it was just him looking after the baby for one reason or another. How would that feel? Even holding Sofie for a short while felt a big responsibility. It was incomparable to the responsibility of controlling a car worth millions or representing a big team. He'd have to be responsible for another life, for the rest of their life. That was huge. Perhaps in a way it wasn't so terrible that this was going to take a while to happen. Seb knew he had to start feeling comfortable with the idea that he was capable of doing that. To be a father was an exciting, enticing idea, but it was also just a little bit scary.

 

The family chatted about other matters for a while and drank their drinks, Seb and Mark's as predicted getting cold as they sat untouched on the table in front of them. After a quarter of an hour Stefanie looked over and then turned to her partner, speaking quietly, just for him.

“She really is quiet.”

“This room's warm with all these people in,” whispered Jan.

Stef looked over, trying to see her if her daughter's eyes were open.

“Seb is she asleep?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No she's fine.”

Stef shook her head.

“We really could use you living closer. You must have a knack. She's due her feed. Do you want to see how we make the bottle?”

“Um, sure.”

“Lesson number one,” joked Jan, getting up to retrieve the baby so they could get up.

 

The five of them went through to the kitchen where Stefanie and Jan had brought over their equipment and showed Mark and Sebastian what they did to make the bottle. Mark joked that he felt as though he ought to be taking notes, but Sebastian tsk'd and watched intently.

“Okay and then you have to test it to be sure it's not too hot,” advised Stefanie, showing them how she did that. “Now then. You ready to have a go?”

“Sure.”

“You might want to take a seat. It's remarkable how tiring it is,” Jan commented.

Seb did as he was told and took a seat at the kitchen table before Jan passed him the baby to hold and his sister handed him the bottle, moving his elbow for him to make sure the bottle was tipped up properly.

“It's important you don't let air bubbles get into the milk or she'll get bad wind,” Stef explained. “And that's not fun believe me.”

“Burping?”

“Well yeah, but it can actually hurt her. She's only got a little chest after all.”

Sebastian pouted down at Sofie and made extra sure he held the bottle right.

“Poor little thing. That sounds horrible.”

“Yeah. I mean Mum's one for giving tips, asked or not, but there's some things that are really important.”

“Course.”

“We're all ears,” agreed Mark.

“Well seeing as she's in safe hands I'm off to the loo,” announced Jan.

 

Stefanie took a seat diagonally to the other pair.

“Of course stuff like that can be more of a pain than you'd imagine. It's crazy really, simply everything becomes about the baby, not you. It's just the way it has to be.”

Sebastian nodded.

“And Mark, you're sure about taking a year out?” asked Stefanie.

“Yeah. I know it's bound to be harder than we imagine, but we are prepared for a challenge aren't we sweetheart?”

“Yeah we are.”

“Even bigger if you're travelling,” noted Stef.

“Well we'll just have to see how that goes. If it really is too much then Mark can stay at home, but we're hoping not.”

“No well, I'm sure you'll be fine. It's not as if you'd be doing it on a budget and trekking across the Himalayas is it?” agreed Stef.

“True,” confirmed Mark, “although seeing all you've brought with you just for lunch I suspect we may need Sherpas.”

Stefanie laughed and gave a tip of her head.

“Maybe you should just as Fabian to come with you?”

“Ha, now there's an idea,” smiled Mark. “Uncle Fabe as au pair? What do you think?”

Sebastian shook his head, but Stefanie shrugged.

“Actually now he's warmed up to the idea he's very good with her. Not quite up to being left alone in charge, but when she's a bit bigger I'm sure he'll babysit.”

“We would too if we were closer,” offered Seb.

“I know you would. It's a shame really.”

“Yeah.”

“You're more than welcome to visit,” Mark noted.

“Well we will in the summer.”

“Yeah.”

 

Jan returned and they sat chatting with them for a while until Seb turned to Mark.

“You going to have a go then?”

“Arms getting tired?” teased Jan.

“A bit,” Seb admitted.

“Yeah go on,” Mark nodded, offering out his arms to be passed the baby. Seb put the bottle on the table and Mark settled Sofie in position before taking the bottle from him. He watched to be sure she was alright then looked up to the others, thinking how long it was since he had done with with his sister's children.

“There is something oddly soothing about it,” he noted.

“Mm, of course when it's the middle of the night when you've been woken up that means you're in danger of nodding off yourself,” pointed out Jan.

“That's something,” remembered Seb. “Did you get the rocking chair?”

“Oh gosh, yes we did and we never said thank you. Sorry,” apologised Stef.

“It's fine.”

“Honestly I blame baby-brain. Things just go out of your head.”

“It's really no problem, don't worry.”

“It's lovely, thank you guys. It's funny actually, it's one of those old-fashioned things, but they go on because it really works, the rocking motion, you know, if she just won't settle, the repetition is very soothing,” his sister explained.

“It was very kind of you,” added Jan, “especially when you'd already bought us so many nice things.”

Seb shrugged.

“We wanted to do it.”

“Well thanks.”

Mark smiled and looked down at the baby before looking back to the others.

“Maybe you can lend us some baby stuff in time,” he suggested, “assuming you don't still need it of course.”

“Oh god don't start,” complained Stef. “Honest to god, Mum already asked me if we were planning on having more. Sofie's not yet six weeks old.”

“Ah. Sorry that wasn't what I meant,” clarified Mark. “I meant if she hadn't grown out of things like baby mobiles.”

“Oh. Sorry, my fault.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Mum really asked you that?”

“Yep.” Stefanie shook her head, then looked to the kitchen door to be sure it was shut. “She means well, but Mum drives me up the wall sometimes.”

Mark looked to Sebastian but he only gave a little shrug.

“Yes, well, anyway,” regathered Stefanie. “I'm sure we can do a bit of recycling. Baby-gros for starters. She gets through so many and she's already grown out of the first lot.”

“Really?” asked Seb.

“Mm, she's growing so fast. Can't you tell?”

“Yeah I guess. I suppose she does feel heavier. What do you think Mark?”

Mark smiled and lifted the baby a little higher where he held her balanced in one arm by his chest.

“Very good work out right here. Who needs a gym?”

 

The others laughed as Mark settled Sofie back down. He looked at her as he tipped the bottle a little higher and partly listened as Stefanie and Jan ran through their half-hearted complaints about how much work she was, but they had to admit that she really was being as good as gold at the moment. Of course she wasn't likely to cry whilst she was being fed, but nevertheless Sofie was being a pretty good advert for babies right now. She kept looking up to him and Mark wondered if she was trying to make out his face. She raised up her little arm as if reaching for something and Mark smiled at her.

“What are you after, eh?”

Seb leaned in to look and put his finger into her grasping hand, moving it around to amuse her.

“Ah, your Uncle Seb, was that it?”

“Hey Sofie,” smiled Sebastian.

“You're getting a pretty unrealistic picture right now,” commented Jan.

“Ah well she does have her moments,” Stef noted. “We are happy. If pretty knackered.”

“She's worth the sleepless nights,” agreed Jan.

“Course she is. You sure you're alright there Mark?”

“Hm?” Mark looked up from watching Seb entertain the baby. “Yeah fine.”

“My top tip is to make sure you've got a cushion or two to rest your arm on,” advised Jan, “takes the weight then.”

“Right.”

Sebastian smiled at Mark.

“Want to pass her back?”

“If you want.”

Mark handed over the little burden again.

“Knew there was a reason we did so much training.”

“This is a different kind of training,” Seb noted.

“Guess so.”

 

Before too long Sofie started crying again and Stefanie took her back, lifting her up to check.

“Nappy,” she announced.

Jan smiled and looked over at the other pair.

“You two want lessons in that too?”

“Um,” mumbled Seb with a look to Mark.

His sister shook her head.

“Believe me, you'll get plenty of practise at that in time. I'll go.”

 

Stefanie stood and left the room to take the baby upstairs. Jan chatted to them for a minute before excusing himself to go and make sure she had all she needed and Mark and Sebastian were left alone.

“I suppose we should go back through,” noted Seb.

“Hm? Oh sure.”

They got up and went back into the lounge, retaking their seats on the sofa.

“Where did Fabe go?” asked Seb.

“I sent him to go sort his things out,” his mother explained.

“Oh right.”

Sebastian looked over at his sister and got a slight flick of her eyebrows leading him to wonder what they had been discussing whilst they were away.

“Are the others in the kitchen?” asked Heike.

“Oh no Sofie needed changing.”

“Ah.”

Mel smiled.

“You didn't volunteer for that one then?” she joked.

“Mel will you go and see that they're alright up there?” asked her mother.

“I'm sure they're fine Mum.”

“Well just go check they have all they need.”

Melanie sighed and levered herself off the sofa to leave them room.

 

“How did you get on with feeding her?” asked Heike as soon as his sister was gone.

“Sofie? Fine.”

“Yes?”

“Yeah it's not that hard.”

“Mm.”

“We know we've got a lot to learn Mum, it's fine.”

“It's not an easy job dear. I hope you're prepared for that.”

“We are. We'll do everything we can to prepare, parenting classes and everything, right Mark?”

“Of course,” agreed Mark.

“Parenting classes?”

“Yeah. We'll do whatever it takes.”

“Okay.”

“Yes?”

 

Heike nodded. She was tempted to say she didn't think her son quite knew what he was letting himself in for, but Melanie had already bitten her head off for commenting on it while they were out of the room and Heike didn't want to cause any more upset as so often seemed to accompany their visits here.

“Mum we know we're taking on a lot, but we're probably going to have a long wait to get it all sorted, so we'll have time to prepare.”

“Well yes, I suppose so. We'll help as best we can, but you're so far away.”

“You can visit.”

“Yes I suppose,” sighed his mother.

Sebastian looked to Mark, guessing there was more she wasn't saying.

“Look Mum we want you to be involved. We'll need your help I'm sure.”

“You wouldn't consider moving over here?”

“Oh. Ah Mum we've only just finished building work on the house. It's our home. We're happy there.”

“Mm.”

“And it's close to work.”

“Yes I suppose so. We'll just have to visit then.”

“Have you spoken to your work about it?” asked his father.

“No not yet.”

“What do you think they're likely to say?”

Sebastian frowned.

“Dad it's not really up to them to say anything. It's nothing to do with them.”

“No but if you're going to adopt what are you going to do about racing?”

“Mark's going to take a year out.”

Norbert stared at first his son, then his son-in-law.

“Are you?”

“Yep. That's the plan,” confirmed Mark.

“You're taking a year out?”

“Yeah. Paternity leave.”

 

Norbert looked to his wife and shook his head slightly as if settling the information in.

“I see.”

“We've talked about it Dad,” stated Sebastian. “It's just the best plan. Mark will take a year out and travel with me. I mean he does pretty much whenever he can now.”

“Of course. So you would do it with a baby?”

“Yes.”

Norbert nodded slowly.

“And you can do that you think?”

“Yes. Why shouldn't we? Other drivers have families that come with them,” pointed out Sebastian.

“Do they?”

“Yeah. It's not unheard of. We know it might be tricky.”

“What about those places, well, those races you said it's difficult for you.”

“Well they won't come there, but where we can we want to be together.”

Heike nodded.

“Of course you want to be together. That's a lot of travel though.”

“We know. Look Mum we know none of this is straight-forward, we're not going to be an ordinary family, but we can do it.”

“I'm not saying you can't. I just want you to have thought about it.”

“We have. Honestly Mum that's all we've done lately, think about it, talk about it. We know it'll be a challenge, but it's what we want.”

“Okay, well... okay then.”

“We'll find a way to make it work,” contributed Mark.

“Yeah we will, and Mark doesn't have to come every time. If it's too much he'll stay home and I'll just go and come back as fast as I can.”

“I suppose if Mark isn't racing that will make it a bit easier,” noted Norbert.

“Yeah that's the plan,” affirmed Mark.

“And you're prepared to do that?”

“Of course I am. We're both prepared to do whatever it takes.”

“We are,” added Seb. “We're really sure about this.”

 

Norbert nodded, thinking how it was that Mark was supporting their son again. He did seem to prioritise him. If it had been their son taking a year out perhaps he might have reservations about it, but it was Mark's choice. He supposed it did make sense seeing as Mark was no longer in F1.

“You do support us?” pressed Sebastian.

“Of course we do,” insisted Heike. “We just want to be sure you've thought it all through.”

“We have, or we are at least.”

“Yes alright. It's a big commitment, that's all.”

“We understand that, don't we Mark?”

“We do,” concurred Mark, sitting forwards slightly to address Seb's parents. “Look we appreciate that this may have come as a surprise, but we are committed to doing it just as we would be committed to a child. Family is very important to us.”

Sebastian sat forwards to match him and put his hand in Mark's.

“Yeah, we know our life has been a bit crazy up to now, but it's calming down. We just want a normal family life at home when we're not racing, just like anyone else.”

“And we'll do whatever it takes to make that happen,” added Mark.

“We'd like your backing,” pushed Seb.

“Of course you have our backing,” stated Heike. “And our support in whatever way we can. Right Norbert?”

“Yes,” confirmed her husband. “Though I think you might need to be prepared for what the press are going to say about it.”

“It's nothing to do with them,” replied Mark.

“Unfortunately we've seen all too often that has little impact on their level of interest,” pointed out Norbert.

Sebastian squeezed Mark's hand.

“We're not going to let them find out until they have to and we'll do everything we can to protect our child from that.”

 

Heike looked at him, almost surprised by how mature her son sounded. 'Our child'. The phrase seemed to strike home. It would be their child and another grandchild for them, adopted or not. She let out a little sigh.

“I just wish life could be easier for you.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't think we get an easy life, but what we do get in life we'll fight for. We're prepared to fight for it.”

Mark nodded.

“We are,” he echoed. “Whatever it takes. Last year taught me that. We have to fight for what we want in life, because nobody is going to hand us anything.”

 

Heike and Norbert looked over at the united pair and both had to accept that they seemed certain about what they wanted. Their son had found someone who was willing to support him through thick and thin, who put him first. It was all too clear how much they loved one another. They were married and settled. It might not be a conventional relationship in the old-fashioned sense, but they were committed to one another. Taking on the extra responsibility of bringing up a child seemed a steep challenge, and quite how they were going to manage that still wasn't entirely clear, but they seemed convinced they could do it.

 

“Well we'll help, won't we Norbert?” offered Heike.

“Of course we will, we'll give them those references you mentioned, make sure they know how committed you are,” he agreed.

“Thanks Dad.”

“Yeah thanks,” added Mark.

Norbert nodded. He did think Mark was perhaps offering to make even more of a commitment than their son was, but then he had given up racing to look after Seb when he had his accident. Perhaps it wasn't such a surprise to find him doing the same again for a child. He was older. There came a time when people settled down, gay or otherwise might not be such a difference. Sebastian seemed keen to do the same though despite being younger. His son had never seemed to have a carefree youth that most had. Heike had commented often enough that it seemed he had missed a stage, but it was too late to go back now, they just had to forge on. At least their son seemed happy with Mark. If marrying and settling down with a family made them happy, then that was what made them happy. No one ought to deprive them of that.

 

The door opened and Fabian came through.

“Oh here you are.” He came and sat on the sofa beside Mark and Sebastian despite other seats being available in the lounge. “Are you having a serious conversation? Everyone seems to be doing that today.”

Before they had time to answer the others followed him back into the lounge, Mel and Stef still talking to one another as they found seats. Fabian turned to his brother and smiled.

“They were talking about you,” he reported.

“Fabe!” protested Melanie.

“You were.”

“No, just...”

“I was saying how good you were with Sofie,” explained Stef. “That's all.”

“You're naturals, both of you,” praised Jan.

“Yeah you'll be great parents,” added Mel. “That's all we were saying.”

“Thanks,” accepted Seb, trying not to look to his mother to see how she accepted that, but he saw the look she exchanged with his father. He knew they were going to have to prove to them that they could do this. They were going to have to prove themselves to everybody.

 

Heike looked at the way Sebastian smiled at the praise he was getting and how Mark kept a hold of his hand.

“It is a shame you don't live closer,” she repeated. “You could get more practise with Sofie.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and looked over at his niece.

“Poor thing, she's not just practise.”

“Ah no, you're more than welcome,” argued his sister.

“Very welcome,” confirmed Jan. “I don't think she minds being practise, do you?” He smiled down at his daughter who was thankfully quiet and content now she was fed and changed.

“At least you've had some practise looking after Fabian,” noted Melanie mischievously.

“Oi!” protested Fabian, but the rest of the family were all laughing. “I'm not a baby.”

Sebastian turned to his brother and shook his head.

“Course you're not.”

“Mel really,” sighed their mother.

“Ah come on, I'm joking.”

Fabian glowered at her, but Mel was still trying not to laugh. Mark looked past Sebastian to Fabian.

“We hear very good things about your babysitting skills Fabe. Seb and I are hoping you'll be coming to us to help out.”

“Yeah course we are,” confirmed Seb.

Fabian shrugged.

“I don't know that I'm much good.”

“Ah you will be by the time we've got it all sorted,” Mark offered.

“Maybe.”

“You'll still want to come and visit won't you?” checked Seb.

“Yeah course I will.”

“There we go then,” settled Mark.

“Do you think the adoption people will want me to give a reference too?” Fabian asked.

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno. Maybe they'll ask everybody. You can think of something nice to say can't you Fabe?”

“Course I can.”

“Righto, thanks mate.”

Sebastian looked out to all the rest of the family.

“You'll all do it won't you?”

“Course we will,” confirmed Stefanie, getting echoes from the rest.

“We've said we'll say whatever you need us to,” reminded Heike.

“Yeah, thanks Mum.”

“Just tell us what they need to hear and we'll do it,” Norbert added.

“Thanks.”

Sebastian sat back, finally feeling reassured that he really had everyone in his family supporting them. He leaned a little more into Mark, glad that he supported him above all others. Mark gave him a smile and turned slightly so the others didn't see as he mouthed 'okay?' Seb nodded and Mark gave his hand a rub, feeling slightly as if they had dodged a bullet. They just had to keep trying to rebuild bridges with Seb's family. He guessed Sebastian's parents still had a few reservations, but Mark was prepared to bet that they would all disappear once they actually had a new grandchild to fuss over. He didn't doubt that they would do all they could to help, although he wasn't sure if it might not be quite so terrible that they lived a little further away and could have their own space to muddle through without constantly needing to look for approval.

  
  


 

By the time they got to the stage where they were calling a taxi to return to the airport after another whistle-stop visit, Sebastian felt quite differently about leaving his family's home from how he had on previous occasions recently. It might have been nerve-wracking to explain their decision, but now it was done his main feeling on departure was regret that their visit was so short. He took the chance to have another chat with his brother and reminded him that in addition to their coming to stay in the summer, they could come and watch him race at the German Grand Prix in a couple of months time. Sebastian wasn't sure that Stefanie and Jan would come to the track seeing as they had Sofie, but being so close to home they ought to be able to fit in some family time around the race. It might make life a little more complicated, but he knew that making that more of a priority going forwards had to be his focus. It might not be easy, but he was sure it would be worth it.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no broadband annoyingly and I have a weird head cold, so blame any weird typo errors or inconsistencies on that ;)


	130. Substitutes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still no broadband, but where there's a will (& a mobile phone) there's a way.

* * *

 

  
  


Sure enough as soon as they were home again it seemed no time before Mark was back at the airport once more, dropping Seb off for his trip out to China for the next grand prix and Mark was back home alone with only the dogs for company. He sat stroking them whilst drinking a coffee in the kitchen, thinking about the past few days. They had spent what felt like all the time at home either discussing or researching their plans.

Nothing they had read had put them off their decision, but they had decided to give themselves a few days breathing space while Seb was away to think things over on their own to be one hundred percent sure. Then when he got back and they were both home with a gap between races they could take their time filling in the application and really get the ball rolling. That felt sensible even though they had both declared that they were already certain they wanted to do it. Taking a bit of time rather than rushing was probably for the best. Nothing about this process was likely to be quick so they might as well accept that was how this worked from the off.

 

Thankfully it was only a few days before Mark had a distraction in the form of his own race at Silverstone. Nice and handy. It really was such a shame Seb was away for this one as it would have been perfect to pop along to together. Sebastian had pointed out this himself when they sat on the phone on the Thursday night, or rather it was night for Mark, for Seb in Shanghai it was Friday morning and he was just getting up ready for his day of practice. He had extracted promises from Mark that under no circumstances was he to sit up watching through the night when he had to drive himself the next day.

“Yeah alright darling I promise,” consented Mark, although he had to admit the thought had crossed his mind. “I might just catch a few minutes of FP2 before I head off to the track.”

“Mark don't worry about it. It's just free practice.”

“Yeah well same applies.”

“Well no actually I can watch your FP1 cos that'll be eight o'clock here.”

“Oh okay.”

“I'll just be sat around in my hotel room. FP2's a bit late.”

“No exactly. Okay well we've got our schedules haven't we?” pointed out Mark.

Sebastian smiled and looked at the print-out which sat over on the side. Surely no other couple had to print schedules and use time apps just to work out when they could speak to one another?

“Course. Alright well I'll speak to you after my FP1 and debrief. That should be eleven o'clock your time.”

“Right, sure. Oh I had a chat with Lewis after the drivers' briefing earlier,” noted Sebastian.

“Oh? How is he?”

“Fine. Same as ever.”

“And how was the briefing? I should have asked.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“That was the same too. Boring mostly.”

“No trouble?”

“Mark I just get the odd look off a couple of them. Nobody says anything.”

“Cowards.”

“Fuck 'em. I'm past caring.”

Mark smiled to hear Seb sounding so robust.

“Good. Worthless individuals.”

 

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. It always helped to think what Mark would say to those drivers who still thought it was okay to whisper about him and cast derisory looks in his direction when his new surname was read out for any reason. His name was a shield, it meant Mark was always with him. If they thought they could hurt him by reacting that way then they couldn't be more wrong.

“Yeah. Anyway I always have people to sit with these days. It's okay. Anyway, that's what I was saying about Lewis; we've arranged to hang out again tomorrow night.”

“Ah right. Another playdate?”

Sebastian coughed.

“It is _not_ a playdate.”

“Really?”

“No.”

“So what will you be doing?”

Seb paused.

“Yeah okay so we're going to play on his PS4.”

He anticipated the laugh before he heard Mark guffawing down the phone, but try as he might, Sebastian couldn't help joining in with him.

“Fine, so we have a playdate. He's brought the dogs too, so that'll be nice.”

“Ah alright mate I'm only teasing. That sounds like a fun way to spend the evening. Do you want me to call a bit later?”

“Oh no it's a good excuse to leave. I'll need to get to bed anyway.”

“Right you are then.”

“Are you going to invite Jenson round one night?”

“Oh well he asked if I wanted to join him for dinner at his hotel,” Mark noted.

“Why don't you have him over?”

“I dunno. It feels weird without you being here.”

“Mark don't be silly.”

“Mm.”

“Why would it be weird?” pressed Sebastian.

Mark paused. He couldn't really put his finger on it.

“I dunno darling. I think I just like moping on my own about the place.”

Sebastian let out a laugh.

“What would you tell me?” Seb challenged.

Mark sighed and smiled.

“That you were being daft. Yeah okay I'll ask him round. I'll just sit there wishing it was you though.”

“Well as long as you don't get us confused,” teased Sebastian.

Mark tsk'd and shook his head.

“Not likely. Right well I guess we'll make do with our poor substitutes until Monday.”

“I'm sure our friends will be honoured to be referred to in that way Liebling,” laughed Seb.

“Yeah well it's true. Okay I'd better let you go. Take care darling. Good luck today.”

“Thanks. Hug?”

“Yeah course.”

They both closed their eyes and made do with yet another poor substitute. They'd have to make do with what they had until they could get the real thing once again.  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Friday evening in Shanghai Sebastian sat on the floor of Lewis' room, messing about petting the dogs and enjoying the chance to forget all about the day. Coco ran over to Lewis who was knelt a few feet away when he called him. He picked her up and laughed as he chubbed her wrinkly skin.

“Isn't she gorgeous?” prompted Lewis.

Sebastian smiled and nodded as he gave Roscoe a rub which the animal seemed to be appreciated. Lewis shifted the dog in his arms and smiled down at her.

“She's my baby, aren't you? Yeah.”

 

Seb looked over, thinking he and Mark were almost as bad at treating their dogs like children, but they were planning for a rather more real baby to hold. Perhaps they were all using their dogs as substitutes for now, although Sebastian was certain they would still love them just as much when they had a child. He looked over at his friend again wondering what he would think if he told him of their plans. Seb gave Roscoe another rub before he ran over to get some attention from his master.

“Ah you're jealous aren't you?” teased Lewis to his pet before looking up at Seb. “I think Roscoe's my unruly teenager now.”

“Oh blimey that sounds a challenge.”

Lewis laughed and leaned in a little to look at Roscoe.

“I'm a soft daddy aren't I? Let you get away with murder.”

Sebastian smiled, but the funny thing was he actually thought Lewis would make a great father. He could just see him with a cute little girl, although no doubt he was right, Lewis would be wrapped around her little finger. Of course he probably needed a partner for that first. At least he and Mark had that advantage. Sebastian considered for a moment asking Lewis if he did want kids of his own, but it felt too intrusive and he and Mark had decided to keep their own decision private apart from their families. Perhaps when they made some progress they might talk to a few friends, but not yet.

 

“You wanna get some food in?” asked Lewis as he set Coco down to play with her 'brother'.

“Hm? Oh yeah sounds good. I've got to get back for eleven.”

“Has Christian started checking you're tucked up in bed?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Mark's calling.”

“Ah.”

“You know he's at Silverstone this weekend.”

“Of course. How's he getting on?”

“Yeah good. I watched FP1 earlier and Porsche are sitting one, two.”

“Great. They're looking good for the weekend then.”

“Yeah. I wish I was there,” admitted Seb.

“Thanks a bunch.”

“No I don't mean that. I just wish I could be there to watch him.”

“Of course. I'm only winding you up.”

“Normally it's not so bad, but this year it's like the FIA went out of their way to make races clash.”

“I hadn't really noticed,” commented Lewis.

“Yeah well. I dunno. Guess at least that means we'll have time at home in between. You should see what the summer looks like.”

“What do you mean?”

“The calendar. We're going to be rushing around like blue-arsed flies all round the world.”

“Oh right. That's a bit shit.”

“Mm. Of course the choice is ours to travel together, but we want to whenever it's even vaguely possible.”

“Of course. Well maybe you should get yourself a jet like me.”

“Hm, I dunno.”

“Makes my life easier. I bet if we compared diaries I probably travel more than you do.”

Seb thought about how Lewis zipped about the world between races and guessed that was probably true.

“Spose you do.”

“It's my choice too,” shrugged Lewis. “I like to make the most of my time.”

“Sure. I guess that we just like to do that by being at home.”

 

Lewis smiled at him, thinking about what Jenson had told him about how sweet the pair of them were together. He'd texted him when Sebastian had admitted Jenson had been at his wedding and apologised to Lewis for not inviting him, even though Lewis had said it was fine and he'd been busy travelling again at the time.

“Guess that's nice. It's weird really. You've ended up living closer to where I grew up than me.”

“Are we?”

“Yeah not too far, thirty or forty miles I reckon.”

“Do your parents still live around there?”

“Well my mum lives a bit further, but Dad's not too far.”

“Right. Well if you're home in England sometime you should let us know, you could pop over.”

“Thanks man, that'd be nice. I could see that fancy new gaff you've got.”

Sebastian laughed.

“It's the same place, just with a new extension.”

“Uh huh. Sounds nice though.”

“Yeah it is nice. Lots of space. Oh and we're having a thing in the summer, like a party, well a barbecue probably to celebrate our wedding. I know it's a bit late after we actually got married, but it'd be nice if you could come. Jenson's coming and I'm going to ask Dan.”

“Sounds good.”

“Yeah? So you'll come?”

“I'll have to check my diary, but yeah. Do you mean during the break?”

“Yeah probably the weekend before Spa.”

“Right, sure. Do you mind if I check and get back to you?”

“Course not, that's fine. We've got all our families coming so it should be a bit of a gathering, but we'd like friends there too.”

“Sure. I'll try to make it.”

“It won't be anything fancy, but we've got a big garden.”

“Can I bring these guys then?”

“Yeah no problem. We'll have to introduce them to our boys.”

“I hope they'll get on.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking that their own dogs were somewhat larger than Lewis's. He hoped they did get on or Shadow and Simba might rather overpower these two.

“Lots of room for them to run around,” Seb noted.

“Great. You like living there then?”

 

“Absolutely. I love living out in the countryside,” confirmed Seb.

“Getting muddy with the dogs.”

“Yep.”

Seb looked at Lewis and smiled.

“Not for you?”

“Ah I don't know. I love being out in the mountains in Colorado, but I like having things on my doorstep too.”

“Sure. Well I guess you've got the best of both worlds then. Assuming you're ever home in Monte Carlo.”

“Ah, ha, yeah you're right, I am away more than I'm home.”

“I love being home,” let out Seb, sounding more far away then he intended.

Lewis noticed and nodded.

“It means a lot to you.”

“Yeah it does. It means everything.” Sebastian glanced back at his friend. “I guess that must sound a bit over the top.”

Lewis shook his head.

“No it's nice. I just don't have that nesting urge.”

“Ha, nice way of putting it.”

Lewis shrugged.

“I'm more of a wanderer. Just the way we are I guess.”

“Guess so. Each to their own,” allowed Seb. “I suppose it's because its Mark and mine that it means so much.”

“Sure.” Lewis smiled. “Can I ask...? I mean you said you stayed there a bit on and off, so...”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“Are you asking how long it's been _our_ place, not just Mark's?”

“It's none of my business I know,” apologised Lewis.

“No it's okay. I dunno, it's a tricky one. I first moved in, god, well over two years ago now, but yeah as you say I moved in and out a bit. Officially I moved in last summer, but it's felt like my home from the moment I walked through the door.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I guess that's more to do with Mark than the house itself. Oh and the dogs too.”

“They took to you right away?”

Lewis watched as a broad smile spread over Sebastian's face.

“Yeah they're awesome. I'm very lucky.”

 

Lewis nodded. He was tempted to ask how that moving in and out related to when Seb and Mark were a couple, but even Jenson had told him he'd got nowhere trying to wheedle that out of them.

“Yeah you are,” Lewis agreed. “I guess I'd like to settle down and get married one day.”

“One day?”

“Yeah well I'd need to find the right one first obviously, but I don't think I could do it while I'm still racing,” Lewis confessed.

“Really?”

“Yeah I just think it's easier this way. I get to be totally selfish and only worry about me and my racing.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I think getting married is one of the best things I've ever done. I've never been so happy.”

“You can tell,” smiled Lewis.

“Oh?”

Lewis gave a tip of his head and nodded.

“Yeah. You're a pretty good advert for marriage. You're practically glowing.”

“Oh fuck off.”

Lewis laughed and shrugged.

“You are man. It radiates off you. Plus you mention Mark every other sentence.”

“I don't.”

“You do. It's cute.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes then sighed.

“I can't help it. I miss him.”

“I know.”

“It's terrible really. We hate being apart. I know it probably sounds pathetic, but we only really work together.” Sebastian looked to Lewis. “You'll take the piss I'm sure.”

Lewis shook his head.

“No. I actually think I'm kinda jealous. I mean not of Mark specifically obviously, but to have someone you can't live without... yeah I'd like that one day.”

“I'm sure you will,” offered Seb. “I mean I never expected it, but if it can happen for me it can happen for you.”

“I'll meet a nice man one day,” grinned Lewis.

Sebastian pulled a face.

“I knew you'd take the piss.”

“No, no, I'm sorry. You're right. I've got to keep an open mind. Until then I'll devote myself to my first love.”

“Racing?”

“That's the one. Right then. Now we've set the world to rights, shall we ring down, get that food and I can challenge you to a game of FIFA?”

“Sure, sounds like a plan.”

 

 

  
  


  
  


“Wow, mate this is genuinely cool,” exclaimed Jenson as he stood at the side of the pool at the house on the Friday evening in England.

“Thanks. It was Seb's idea.”

“You said. God, it seems a long time ago we were stood in the garden, the pair of you pointing out where this was going to go.”

“Feels a long time ago too. A lot's happened in the meantime.”

“Mm.”

Jenson saw the distracted expression on Mark's face.

“He's fine this weekend, right?”

“Hm? Yeah sure. I spoke to him before he went to bed.”

“No trouble flying these days?”

“Oh, no it doesn't seem so, although it could still happen.”

“Sure, but if it's not, then that's good.”

“Of course. Yeah he's fine. I just don't like it when he's so far away.”

“Course you don't. Right, come on mate, did you just invite me here to show off or is there some grub in the offing?”

Mark smiled and waved out his arm to show his friend back into the main part of the house. He was glad Jenson hadn't noticed the fish at the bottom of the pool. He didn't want to have to avoid explaining them to him.

 

They settled themselves at the kitchen table as their dinner cooked in the oven, each holding an unadventurous water though Mark had offered Jenson a beer. Even one bottle seemed a bad idea the night before qualifying. Jenson looked at the dogs who were staring at him.

“They're looking at me very suspiciously,” he joked. “Come on, we've met before. Don't you remember your Uncle Jenson?”

Mark smiled and reached out to give them each a rub.

“I think they want to know why you aren't Seb.”

He gave them a little pull in his direction so he could address the animals.

“Daft things. I've told you Seb's away for a few days. He'll be home soon.”

Simba moved in and put his chin on Mark's thigh to look up at him mournfully.

“I know. I miss him too mate.”

Mark stroked the dog's ears and sighed.

“You pining?” asked Jenson.

Mark looked up and puffed a breath.

“Guess so. Two races in a row he's had to be away. Just sucks that's all.”

“Know what you mean.”

“Mm. Ah well, we'll both just have to get through the weekend together.”

“Yep. You'll let me return the favour and stand you dinner tomorrow night at my hotel?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark, thinking that perhaps he should have offered to have Jenson here for the weekend, but inviting him over to dinner had felt a step. Having him stay when Seb was away simply wouldn't have felt right. It might be an oddly illogical frame of mind when Mark knew Sebastian would have no problem with it, but Mark wanted that space alone at home to either try to catch up on the racing in Shanghai he'd recorded or catch a little live where he could. On top of that Mark was doing as Seb was and trying to find times when they were able to speak on the phone and he didn't want to have to worry about taking care of a guest on top of that, not all weekend. Besides Mark wanted a bit of peace so when he fretted and moped about Seb racing so far away he could do it without someone taking the piss out of him, however well-intentioned.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian lay on his stomach facing the wrong way on his hotel bed while he watched the television which miracle of miracles actually had a channel on which he could watch qualifying at Silverstone. Mark was currently in the car and he was going well, which was more than could be said for Seb's own attempt earlier which had resulted in a disheartening ninth place after their strategy of waiting until the last possible moment for their final run had backfired horribly as sudden unexpected rain came down and screwed his chances. Dan too of course, but that didn't really help much. Mark had consoled him on the phone and that had helped, but Seb really could have used a real hug, not a virtual one.

An hour or so later he sat cross-legged on the phone to Mark.

“You were wonderful Liebling,” praised Sebastian.

Mark smiled where he sat in his room at the base.

“Thanks. Not all me of course.”

“You're the only one I care about.”

“Brendon will be gutted,” joked Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh, feeling a hundred times better than he had after his own qualifying session.

“He'll get over it.”

“In time I'm sure.”

“Anyway, have you got much more to do?”

“We've had our debrief, but we need to go over the plan for tomorrow yet.”

“Right. Will that take long?”

“Another hour or two, then I'll go home.”

Sebastian pouted, wishing he could be there to welcome Mark home. Of course if he was home then he would have gone with Mark today, so it made no sense, but Seb still had an image in his head of standing with the dogs at the door, waiting to throw his arms around Mark as the conquering hero.

“I'm so proud of you.”

“It's only quali.”

“You're on pole Mark. That's fantastic.”

“Thank you darling.”

“What's the weather like for tomorrow?” enquired Sebastian.

“Same. Dry, but windy.”

“Ha, it's Silverstone, it's always windy.”

“True. What about you? Do you think you'll have more rain?” Mark asked, then wished he hadn't when he heard Sebastian sigh. “Ah sweetheart, it wasn't your fault earlier. Sometimes it is just bad luck.”

“I thought you said we make our own luck?”

“To an extent, but sometimes the weather is unpredictable. The strategy was good in theory.”

“Mm, well nothing I can do about it now except prepare for tomorrow.”

“Sure. Well I'm presuming you did everything you could on that score at the track earlier.”

“Yeah. Guess the only thing to do now is get an early night.”

“That sounds good darling. Are you in bed already?”

“Not yet. I'm in my PJ's though.”

Mark smiled, thinking how adorable Sebastian looked in his pyjamas. He could picture him sat on the bed in the soft plaid bottoms and thin little t-shirt, his hair curlier from drying after his shower. Of course if he was with him, Mark knew he would have some pretty firm ideas about relieving Seb of those pyjamas, but it was a nice vision nonetheless.

“Tell you what, why don't you finish getting ready for bed and call me back in five?” suggested Mark.

“Aren't you needing to get back to work?”

“I've got half an hour.”

“Oh? Right okay then. Thanks. I'll ring back.”

“Righto.”

 

A few minutes later Sebastian slipped under the duvet, his phone in his hand. He shuffled about to get comfortable, his head on the pillow and all the lights out apart from the bedside lamp. He pressed dial on his phone and rang Mark back to chat a while longer.

“Are you still feeling bad about quali?” enquired Mark after a while of worrying whether Seb didn't sound downbeat.

“Ah I don't know. I guess I know you're right; it was just one of those things today.”

“You got caught out darling. Happens to the best of us.”

“Yeah I know Liebling. Still sucks though.”

Mark huffed a sad laugh.

“Yeah it does. Race is what counts though.”

“Sure. Right now I wish I was going to be spending tomorrow watching you racing instead.”

“Don't say that sweetheart.”

“I do though. I really want to be there supporting you. It's so unfair. I don't know why the schedule's this way.”

“Hmm, there's quite a few round here think it's Bernie's doing. Thinks WEC is getting too big.”

“That's so stupid.”

“Well people have made quite a fuss, so with any luck they'll fix it next year,” commented Mark.

“I hope so. It's your turn Liebling. I want to be there for you.”

Mark sighed. He wished it too.

“You'll be here in spirit, like I am with you. Best we can manage this weekend.”

“Yeah.”

Seb still sounded down.

“Plenty of opportunities in the race,” Mark pointed out.

“I know.”

“And you do still actually want to race?”

“No of course I do,” confirmed Sebastian. “It's just I'd rather it was next weekend instead. Then I could be with you. You're going to do so well tomorrow Liebling. I just know it.”

“Do you?”

“Yes,” replied Sebastian solidly. “I want to be there to watch you on the podium.”

Mark laughed, but Sebastian shook his head. “No you will be, I'm sure of it, and I want to be there Liebling, but instead I'll be stuck on a flight, unable to watch, not even able to check how you're doing.”

“Ah that's alright darling.”

“The only other way is to get a flight the next day, but then I wouldn't be home until tomorrow night.”

“You weren't really considering staying just to watch me were you?”

“Maybe,” shrugged Seb, “but I don't want to delay coming home, so I can't see a way around it.”

“Darling don't be daft, of course you should come straight home. I'd rather have you than any trophy.”

“I just want to watch you pick that trophy up,” continued Seb stubbornly.

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“I might not get one and then you'd be staying for nothing.”

“I wouldn't. I'd still be getting to watch you race. Besides you are getting one.”

“If you say so. Anyway. Don't worry about it. I just want you home as soon as you can be.”

“Me too.”

“Well there we go. That's the most important thing. So that's what I'll be looking forward to.”

“Me being home?”

“Yes of course. I'll see you horribly early at arrivals on Monday morning.”

“Oh but Mark you'll be so tired.”

“I want to see you as soon as I can. That's the deal. I might get a taxi though, save me driving at the crack of dawn.”

“If you're sure.”

Mark smiled.

“Seb if this was the other way around what would your answer be?”

A smile spread over Sebastian's face.

“Yeah you got me. Okay. I'll just have to wait to see you to know the result.”

“You will, but that's okay.”

“I still wish I was actually there.”

“I know. And me with you, but look at this way sweetheart, at least with us racing at the same time we'll have a decent spell at home in-between to concentrate on filling our application,” pointed out Mark.

“Yeah that's true. I suppose it's for the best then.”

“Mm, think it'll take us a while even if it's just the first expression of interest.”

“First step though,” noted Seb. “We want to get it right.”

“Course we do, so it's good we have time to take over it.”

“Yeah.”

“You sound tired sweetheart.”

“It's earlier than yesterday.”

“I know, but still.”

“I guess I am a bit tired,” Seb admitted. “Are you?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“It's not yet two in the afternoon here.”

“Oh. Of course. I forgot for a moment. Silly of me.”

“Nah it's nice. I wish it were night and you were talking to me in bed as well.”

“Mm, me too.”

“Have you got your eyes closed sweetheart?”

“Mmm.”

“Imagine me holding you tight darling. All through the night.”

 

Sebastian pulled an armful of the duvet towards him and snuggled into it. He took a deep breath and tried to imagine the smell of Mark as well.

They were both quiet for a moment, then Seb spoke quietly.

“Are your eyes closed too Liebling?”

“Yes darling.”

“Are you imagining me there?”

“Yes. That's how I get to sleep when you're not here.”

Sebastian huffed the tiniest of laughs, but he didn't open his eyes.

“Do you have to go soon?”

“In a minute.”

“Are you sure it's not too early if I ring just before the race?” Seb checked.

“No I need to be up for my own race.”

“Not at six am.”

“Well I can have breakfast and watch the start.”

“What time to you have to be at the track for?”

“Nine, so I can't watch the whole thing.”

“That's okay.”

Mark sighed. It really wasn't and he had no idea how he was meant to drag himself from the house to set off while Seb was still driving, but it seemed neither one of them had any choice.

“Yeah alright, well you have a good sleep darling and I'll speak to you in the morning.”

“Yeah okay. Love you Liebling.”

“Love you too darling. Night.”

“Night.”

Sebastian forced himself to re-open his eyes for just a moment to disconnect the call, then put the phone down on the pillow as he re-closed his eyes, pulling the duvet tight once more before slowly drifting off as his imagination did the work of keeping Mark with him.

 

On the other side of the world Mark re-opened his own eyes and dumped his phone down beside him. He was almost surprised at the fact it was daylight, his mind had been so far away for a few minutes there, almost as if he _was_ in bed at night as he had wished. He puffed a breath and tried not to let himself slip into thinking about how much he missed Seb and how rubbish it really was that he wasn't here. Mark rubbed his hands over his face, took a sip of water and then strode briskly from the room to go back to work.

  
  


 

 

  
  


The next morning Mark sat with the dogs in the lounge watching Seb lining up on the grid ready for the race. He didn't like seeing him so far back. When they'd spoken a little while before Mark had run through all the usual reassurances, telling him how it was all to play for and he just had to get through the start and see what happened, but the truth was it worried Mark more than ever to know he would be right in the mix when the lights went out, all the other drivers around Seb desperate to make up places and taking risks to do so, at the same time needing to keep an eye out for any trouble ahead that they might need to avoid running into. All in the space of a few seconds. He couldn't say so, but the prospect scared the life out of Mark.

He'd tried to subtly hint that Sebastian should just play it safe early on, but it wasn't right to suggest Seb shouldn't do all he could to gain positions while he could. The only consolation Mark had right now was that he was able to watch it live. Even if it was going to be an ordeal, he'd rather go through it and know that Seb was okay than worry in abstract. Mark had worked out a plan whereby he would watch the start now, then tear himself away to drive to the circuit early and watch the end of the race there. In-between he would listen to the race on the radio. Admittedly if he heard anything happen to Seb on the radio whilst Mark himself was driving then he was the one who might actually crash, but there was no way round it. No chance was he not going to follow what was happening. The power of worry was far worse than suffering through the reality. Mark felt bad that Sebastian would have to go through that later on when he flew during his own race at Silverstone.

  
  


Sebastian stood talking to his engineer beside the car on the grid. They were both eyeing up the cars around them. Seb was fairly sure he could take the Renaults fairly quickly as long as they didn't come too close together. Beyond that he really couldn't know until it happened. Who would go which way and block his path, intentionally or otherwise? Who would do something idiotic and crash right ahead of him? Who would stall on the grid or make a lightning getaway? There was no way of knowing for sure. Seb saw a lurking camera and glanced at it for a moment knowing Mark was watching. He'd be a wreck worrying right now Seb knew. That tension in his voice when they had spoken before had been obvious despite all Mark's positive talk.

He knew he shouldn't have looked at the camera when they came over to speak to him, but it was too late so Sebastian decided that seeing as Mark would be watching, he'd say a few words to show him he really was okay.

“Seb do you have a moment?” asked Martin.

“Um, yeah just the one,” agreed Sebastian.

“You've got quite a lot of work to do today if you want to make your way up the field.”

“Mm.”

“Tricky day yesterday.”

“Yeah. The weather.” Sebastian shrugged. “What can you do? All the radar screens said it was a half hour off, but there you go.”

“You'd think we were back in England,” commented Martin.

Sebastian was tempted to say he wished he was.

“Yeah. I guess I'm used to unpredictable conditions, but there you go. It's done. We start with what we have today,” offered Seb sagely.

“Sure. Speaking of England, your other half is racing there today.”

“He is.”

“On pole as well.”

“Yes I'm very proud of him. I'm sure Mark's going to go great today. I wish I could be in two places at once.”

Martin nodded, thinking how complex their lives must be in this regard.

“Indeed. There's been quite a lot of talk about the planning of the racing calendar this weekend.”

“Mm.”

Martin looked at him and saw that Sebastian wasn't to be drawn on the subject. It didn't take a genius to work out that he wasn't happy about it, but no one had succeeded in baiting him on the matter all weekend. Martin knew that some of the press core were unhappy at how tight-lipped Sebastian had been this year, but he could see why he, or rather Britta, was taking such a firm line. Martin was almost surprised that he'd got Seb to comment on Mark at all just now, but he didn't think he had been too intrusive. He caught a glance from the engineer stood a foot away and knew it was time to move on.

“Well I'm sure we all wish you both well today Seb. Thanks for your time.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian turned back to his engineer, looking busy immediately before any other television crews tried to approach. That'd had been okay. He'd been tempted to say 'hi Mark,' to camera but he'd stayed professional, on task, as he was now. Seb went back to discussing the settings for the start and forgot about everything else.

  
  


It seemed mere moments before Seb was sat in the car looking up at the five lights going on in turn, hearing nothing but the sound of his heart pounding and his mind filled with rapid observations about which car looked angled slightly left or right hinting about which way they would go, which driver had seemed on the ball during the formation lap, which car had a reputation for springing out of the traps and which dawdled. The Renaults were pointed in at each other and Seb knew there was bound to be trouble there. He had to go the longer way round the outside, see what the Williams were up to by the time he reached them, then let things calm down towards the end of the first sector, then he could re-group and see where he went form there. Easy. Theoretically.

Three lights, four, five, none. Foot down, aim for the outside.

 

Mark sat on the edge of the sofa, his breath held as he watched as the two Renaults pranged into one another with a horrible inevitability seconds after they had pulled away from their grid-slots. He'd noticed them pointing in at one another and he wondered what the hell their pit-wall had been doing allowing that. As soon as he saw it Mark had wanted to yell at Seb to tell him, but of course Seb had seen it too. Mark allowed the tiniest of smiles to cross his face as he watch Sebastian sail wide around the crash and carry on.

“Course you knew,” commented Mark out-loud.

He didn't take his eyes off the screen though. Mark watched avidly as Sebastian lined up then somehow threaded the needle to slot between the two Williams as they came out onto the straight. God only knew how he found a way through, but he did. Mark wondered if perhaps they hadn't had the start they'd hoped for, or perhaps they'd been distracted by the shower of carbon-fibre in their rear mirrors if they hadn't anticipated it as Seb had. Either way he didn't care as Sebastian was safely ahead.

Fifth. Fifth and safe. That was fine by Mark. The television was busy re-showing the crash which thankfully both drivers had walked away from, but now the safety car was coming out before a single lap had been completed and Mark sat back on the sofa, sparing a look to the dogs sat at his feet.

“He's fine, see,” pointed out Mark, showing them as a shot followed the line of cars including Seb forming up behind the Mercedes Safety Car. “He's fine. He did good.”

The commentary was busy saying the same thing, noting that Sebastian had leapt four places in a few seconds, but Mark thought back to what his nephew had said back in Australia about how Sebastian was a good driver. Not just good, but smart too. Thank god.

Mark let out a long breath, wondering whether he might not be better leaving now while the race was in stasis behind the safety car. Maybe another ten minutes?  
  


  
  


  
  


An hour later Mark rushed into Porsche hospitality, immediately looking for the big screens to see the F1 race playing. He rapidly grabbed a seat and dumped his bag down to concentrate on the action. Mark couldn't remember trying to follow a race on radio alone before. It was like being at testing when all you had was your earphones, but even then in the garage he could look over at the timing screens and the trackers. With only the radio you had to use you imagination and that was a nightmare when you had the imagination Mark did. Every corner was dangerous, every other car mentioned was a hazard.

A waitress came over and had to ask twice before Mark noticed her.

“Sorry?”

“Would you like a tea or coffee, or anything to eat?”

“Oh, right, um yeah black coffee thanks.”

It only occurred to Mark then that he had totally forgotten about breakfast whilst he had been home. He'd fed the dogs and omitted to do the same for himself. He couldn't eat now though. It would have to wait until after the race. Thankfully he was still nearly an hour early. The roads here had been dead and Mark couldn't help speeding a little to get here. Just as predicted it had been horrendous forcing himself to leave the house. The race had got going again, but Seb hadn't managed any more spectacular moves at the re-start and things had settled back down into looping the track, so Mark had compelled himself to get up and go before people started pitting when he knew he would have been unable to break away. He'd left the TV for the dogs to watch the race. So what if people thought that was crazy?

Right now Seb was in fourth, but there were all kinds of different strategies playing out and Mark was trying to calculate whether it was a 'true' fourth or if he would lose that when he pitted again. His coffee appeared and Mark offered a distracted 'thanks', barely taking his eyes from the screen.

  
  


Sebastian screeched to a halt in front of his garage and hardly had time to blink before the jacks were down and he was away again. He knew he was going to come out a couple of places down. There was no way around it. Any longer on those tyres and he would have been sliding around losing even more time. He'd just have to try to fight his way through. Last third of the race now, time to make it count.

 

Mark's coffee sat in front of him going cold. His hands were clenched into tight fists as he sat at the little table, his eyes locked on the screen as he watched Sebastian release the DRS to re-take sixth place on the straight.

“Nice work.”

Mark glanced behind him to see a grinning Jenson.

“Mm.”

“Where is he now?”

“Sixth,” replied Mark, his attention now firmly back where it belonged.

Jenson pulled out a seat and settled himself beside Mark.

“So have they done all their pits?”

“Mm.”

Jenson noted the short replies and the way Mark wasn't looking at him. Fair enough when he was focussed on Seb. He shut up as Mark clearly wanted him to and sat watching beside him, applauding as Sebastian over-took a Williams again a few laps later, and sighing along with Mark as the place was lost to a car who had pitted late and swung by on fresher tyres. Twenty minutes later Mark watched as Sebastian crossed the line in fifth and Jenson finally felt able to speak again.

“Fifth's not bad from ninth,” commented Jenson.

“Mm.”

“You said he was going to struggle from ninth last night.”

“Yeah I guess,” admitted Mark, taking a sip of his cold coffee at last, his eyes still looking towards the screen to see if they showed Seb getting out of the car. It was currently concentrating on the winner and Mark wasn't interested in seeing Rosberg celebrate so he turned to his friend.

“Sorry, yeah you're right. He did his best.”

“Course he did. Fifth's pretty good in the circumstances,” assured Jenson.

“Yeah I know. Urgh this is vile.”

Mark raised a hand and looked over to the counter to catch the eye of the girl there to request a fresh coffee. He checked the time then subconsciously rested his hand over his jacket pocket for a second. Mark saw Jenson looking and moved his hand, not wanting him to enquire as to what that signified.

 

They still had twenty-five minutes until their first meeting so they chatted for a while about nothing, Mark sending a few texts on his phone to say well done to Seb and remind him to call when he could and if he was busy he'd ring back. Mark hated putting his phone on silent, but there were times it was unavoidable.

“When's he back?” asked Jenson.

“First thing tomorrow.”

“Ah right, well there you go. Give him a hug from me.”

Mark smiled.

“After he's had my hugs, sure.”

“You'll see him soon enough.”

“Mm. As soon as I can.”

“Are you picking him up from the airport?”

“Yeah.”

Jenson smiled and Mark knew he was tempted to take the piss.

“Go on, say it,” he prompted.

Jenson held up his hands.

“I wasn't going to say anything.”

“Yes you were.”

Jenson shrugged.

“You're just very sweet. What time are you leaving to collect him?”

“Five am.”

Jenson laughed and Mark shrugged helplessly.

“I just want to see him as soon as possible. Besides I hate the idea of him walking into arrivals and me not being there to greet him.”

“See. What did I say? Sweet.”

Mark tsk'd and shook his head.

“It's only fair. He does the same for me. It's the best thing, just to walk out after all the rigmarole of a race-weekend away and all the stress of travelling to come back and see him there.”

“Waiting to suck your face off.”

Mark sighed. If there weren't several children around the place he might have replied to that in rather choicer terms than he did.

“You won't get a rise out of me,” countered Mark.

“Oh fine. But for the record, it _is_ sweet. Anyway until then you've got the minor business of a six hour race to focus on.”

“Yeah. Speaking of which we'd better make a move.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


It was nearly two hours later that they were both free and able to speak on the phone. Seb was trying not to be too down-hearted about getting fifth place. As Mark said, after starting ninth it was a good showing. Solid if not dramatic. Sometimes you just had to take what you could get.

“Jenson said the same thing,” commented Mark.

“Did he?”

“Yeah he watched the end of the race with me here at the base.”

“Oh right.”

“So you're alright?”

“Yeah I'm fine. Decent points, best of a bad job.”

“You have weekends like that darling. We all do.”

“Well I'm hoping you don't.”

“Me too,” laughed Mark. “Sorry. I hope that's not insensitive.”

“Course not. It's fine. I'm forgetting it now. All about you now. Are you ready?”

“Yep. All set. Oh and I got to practise my signature lots earlier.”

“At the autograph session?”

“Yeah. Only a few times did I have to ask for it back to correct it.”

Sebastian laughed for the first time that day at the image of Mark waving a fan back over to fix his signature.

“Well it's probably worth more with both signatures on,” noted Sebastian.

“I finished one off by writing that I knew who I was really underneath.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah. Anyway I just look at my ring before I sign to remind me.”

“You need reminding?”

Mark smiled and rolled his eyes, glad to hear Seb teasing him and sounding in better spirits.

“I have my other little reminder with me too.”

“Oh?”

“I still have your little paper heart in my jacket pocket, right over my heart.”

Sebastian pouted, thinking how lovely that was.

“I have your letters in my bag Liebling.”

“Yeah I know. They'll be falling apart at this rate. Maybe I should copy them out for you.”

“No I like that they're worn.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It makes them feel more real. I know that sounds silly.”

“Nah. It's nice.”

“Mm.”

“So are you all done then?” Mark asked.

“Pretty much. I'll be sat at the airport for quite a while though so if you need to call me or anything you can.”

“Righto.”

“I don't think there'll be anywhere to watch the race though.”

“No I wouldn't expect there to be.”

“I was going to try streaming it on my phone, but I'm not convinced it'll work.”

“Ah well, don't worry about it darling. Timo's starting so I won't even be in the car until later.”

“Yeah I guess. I'd better wish you luck now though.”

“Sure.”

“Good luck then.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Thanks sweetheart and just in case I don't get to speak to you, have a safe flight and I look forward to seeing you in the morning.”

“Me too.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling. I can't wait to see you.”

“Me neither.”

“Hug?”

“Hug.”

 

They were silent for a few moments, then they said their goodbyes before hanging up. Mark went through to the main garage from where he had been standing out the back to find his team-mate waiting around.

“Talking to your beloved?” teased Timo.

“Yes thank you,” replied Mark, unabashed.

“He alright?”

“Yeah he's fine.”

“I heard he did pretty well in his race today.”

“Yeah he did good.”

“But you wish he was here instead.” It wasn't a question.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yep. Right, where we up to?”

The pair wandered over to join Brendon with the engineers and Mark had to put Seb out of his mind. He had business to take care of. As his boss came over to join them Mark wondered what would happen when he told him of their plans. For all he'd reassured Seb and their family, Mark knew it wasn't going to be plain-sailing getting a year off. It was true that they couldn't say no while he was under contract, but they weren't going to like it. The PR team shouldn't have too hard a time spinning the story to show how Porsche were a modern family who cared for their employees, but when the board got over their shock Mark suspected they would be deeply unimpressed.

No way round it though. He just had to do all he could in the meantime to make himself indispensable. That way even if Porsche decided to find a way to ditch him, another team would come calling and he could get a new contract elsewhere. Worst come to the worst it would be in a lower division car, but Mark thought if he could just get another good season under his belt he'd have a far stronger card to play. Win Le Mans again, win the championship this year. They were already his goals, but now he had even greater incentive. His future might depend on it. _Their_ future. His and Seb's. Their family's future. He was going to fight for it.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Far too many hours later and far too early in the morning, Mark stood at arrivals in Heathrow yet again. It was getting so he actually recognised the staff that worked here. When he'd gone to buy his coffee, Mark almost expected the girl to ask if he wanted his regular.

He needed the coffee. That taxi had been a good call. No way did he feel up to driving right now. Mark had had to set three alarms to prise himself out of bed before four am. He was knackered, but a promise was a promise, and the thought of Seb walking out to find him not there was all it took to encourage Mark to get up and into the shower, turning the temperature down to wake his brain.

Mark looked up to see the board alter to announce that Seb's flight had arrived and he immediately looked to the entrance despite knowing Seb would be a while yet. Nearly home.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian walked purposefully down the corridors then waited in line for security, wondering all the while whether or not he should turn his phone on to check Mark's result or whether he should let Mark tell him. He wasn't sure whether it might not be best to be prepared so he could anticipate Mark's potential mood. Then a ghastly thought pushed in and Sebastian fumbled for his phone, panicking that never mind the result, he didn't actually know whether something bad might have happened. He didn't even know if Mark was okay.

It seemed to take an age to switch his phone back on, by which time Sebastian was at the front of the line and had to show his passport to go through to baggage reclaim. He stood watching the various bags go round, holding his phone out at various angles trying in vain to pick up the airport wi-fi. It wasn't working. Damnit.

Okay okay, there was his bag. Sebastian grabbed it and practically sprinted to the exit to see if Mark was there. The moment he was through Seb was on his toes, peering through the moving crowd and there, oh thank god, there was that wonderfully familiar tall dark figure. A smile breaking out on his face as Mark spotted Seb in turn and he smiled and waved. Sebastian raced around, dumping his bags on the floor to fling himself at Mark. He clung around his neck as Mark pulled him in. They held on tight to one another, the rest of the world gone away until Seb finally let out a sigh and loosened his grip on Mark and lowered down.

“Watch my coffee's on the floor there,” warned Mark.

Sebastian looked where it was then laughed at Mark.

“That's your greeting to me?” he teased.

Mark smiled and shook his head, leaning in to kiss him.

“No. That's my greeting to you darling. Welcome home.”

Sebastian smiled back at him.

“I couldn't get wi-fi. I was so worried.”

“Worried?”

“About you. If you were okay.”

“Oh. Sorry darling I should have texted.”

“It's okay. I don't care now. So, should I ask?”

“About the race?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked at him and Mark tried to keep a poker face for a moment, but failed as a smile returned to his lips.

“So?” pressed Sebastian.

“Yeah we did alright.”

“Alright? Where did you come?”

Mark gave a flick of his eyebrows to tease him.

“We won.”

Sebastian gasped, a hand going over his mouth.

“You did say I would,” pointed out Mark.

“Oh Liebling. You won?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian jumped up and flung himself at Mark once more, making Mark laugh at his enthusiasm. Seb moved to kiss him properly and even in the moment the thought crossed Mark's mind that Jenson's description of their reunion hadn't been too far off the point.

 

As Seb let go again, Mark smiled at how thrilled he looked.

“Yeah not a bad one as they go.”

“Liebling that's wonderful. Oh, but I should have been there.”

Mark gave Sebastian's arm a rub.

“It's okay.”

“I should have been there,” repeated Sebastian, feeling tears suddenly close to the surface. “I want to have cheered you on the podium when you got the winners' trophy.”

“I know darling. I know, but it couldn't be helped.”

Sebastian let out a pathetic sigh and pouted, causing Mark to give a little pout back that Seb knew was a tease.

“Stupid calendar,” blamed Mark, trying to cheer Seb up.

“Stupid calendar,” pouted Sebastian.

Mark gave him a smile and put a hand on Seb's cheek so he could stroke it with his thumb to distract him from getting too upset.

“Come on, let's go home. The boys are dying to see you.”

Sebastian took a deep breath to steady himself.

“Yeah okay. You didn't drive did you?”

“Nope. I'm half-asleep. We'll have to get a taxi. Shouldn't be much of a line at this time in the morning.”

Mark retrieved his half-drunk coffee and ditched it in the bin, then took Seb's bag to pull it along while Seb shifted his flight-bag onto his other shoulder so he could slip his arm around Mark's middle as they walked along, Mark's arm around his shoulder in turn. Mark gave him a reassuring smile, not wanting to say how much he had wished Sebastian was there under the podium cheering his win. Seb was safe, he was home, and they had an even more important job to do this week.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave poor Sebi a share of my pain with no wi-fi at the end there ;)


	131. Making Moves - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing as I have broadband back tonight and it may be temporary I thought I'd better wham a chapter up whether anyone is around to read it on a Friday night nor not. 
> 
> So here they go, leaping into the dark...

* * *

 

  
  


Mark and Sebastian sat at the kitchen table at home reading through everything that they had filled in to make sure that there were no mistakes. In truth they had read it over several times already, but they wanted to be absolutely certain it was all correct. Mark turned to Seb.

“Okay?”

Sebastian nodded tightly.

“You're sure about this?” he checked.

“It's just the expression of interest, but yes darling I'm sure. Are you?”

“Yes I'm sure.”

Mark nodded back and put his hand over Sebastian's.

“You know there's probably a whole lot we haven't thought of yet that's involved,” he warned.

“Yeah I know.”

Almost everything they read officially was very positive, but of course the adoption agencies wanted to encourage applications, so it wasn't likely to be any other way. Even digging into it as much as they could, the information was very vague as to anything like what was really involved and how long it would take. They were jumping into the dark again.

 

Sebastian moved to take Mark's hand and gave it a squeeze.

“We need to press send,” Seb prompted.

“Yeah.”

Mark put his finger on the 'send' key then looked to Seb again giving him a hint so Seb put his finger on the key with him and they both pressed it at the same time, both holding their breath without realising it. As soon as it was sent they each took deep breaths and looked back at one another.

“Okay?” checked Seb.

“Yep all good,” confirmed Mark.

He squeezed Sebastian's hand and Seb leaned in to kiss his cheek. He wanted to say thank you, but that felt wrong if it was a joint decision. Mark gave him a smile.

“There we go then. Now we just have to wait.”

“I think we're going to have to get used to that,” commented Sebastian, earning a laugh from Mark.

“Too true darling. Well there we go.”

Mark picked up his mug and took a swig of tea, nearly spitting it out again.

“Urgh, oh my god that's grim.”

“Cold?” smiled Seb, trying not to laugh at the expression on Mark's face.

“Mm.”

“I'll make us some more.”

“Righto. I'll stick this away.”

 

Mark went to put the laptop back in his study while Sebastian made them fresh tea. As he walked back into the kitchen it was to see Seb crouched down petting the dogs who had been released from where they had been sent to sit in their baskets while Mark and Seb needed to concentrate. Mark dipped down with Seb and joined in showing them a little affection.

“Do you think they'll be good with a child?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark gave each animal another rub.

“Yeah course they will. They're very gentle really unless they feel threatened.”

“Or think we're threatened,” noted Sebastian thinking how protective of him they were.

“True. They're good boys. They'll just have to get used to sharing us.”

“Yeah, I guess that'll be an adjustment for them,” agreed Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You know that makes me think; I have a confession darling.”

“Oh?”

“Well it's not really a confession, just a funny thing. When I was making my mind up about all this I had this vision in my head of the dogs right here in the kitchen, you and me making dinner and a toddler playing with Shadow and Simba.”

Sebastian stared at him.

“Where they good with him?”

“Yes sweetheart. They loved it. Dogs know kids need a bit of leeway. These guys won't mind if their tails are pulled now and then.”

“They'll help take care of him.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian had the same image in his head now. He tried not to tear up but his eyes glazed over and Mark reached over to pull him into a hug.

“No matter what it takes, or how long it takes, right?” pressed Mark.

Sebastian nodded against him and took in a deep breath before pulling away. Mark gave him a smile and Seb smiled back.

“Right then, where's that tea?” asked Mark decisively.

 

Sebastian stood up and put out his hand to help Mark up so they could go over to pour their tea. They stood leaning against the kitchen counter drinking and not talking too much while their dogs fussed around their legs. Despite the fact it was just a first bureaucratic step on a long road, it had still felt like a stressful thing to be doing this afternoon. Seb knew that there was much more stress ahead and that was a scary prospect, but at least they were doing it together. Perhaps he was mad for adding another layer of stress into his already stressful life, but it had to be worth it. He smiled at the dogs, loving the image that Mark had put in his mind. It might be a fight but he was sure they would get there.

As they finished their tea Mark looked to Seb.

“Fancy taking these guys out?”

“Yeah I could use some fresh air.”

 

Not long afterwards they sat on the bench at the top of the hill looking out at the view. They were sat as they always tended to; pressed into one another's side, Mark's arm around Sebastian. After a while Seb let out a long sigh.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Mm.” Sebastian turned his head to look at Mark. “I'm very glad you're coming with me this weekend.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah. Just... I don't know, for the obvious reasons of course, but also, I'm a bit nervous about Russia.”

Mark pulled his arm a little tighter around Seb.

“It'll be fine darling. They don't want any trouble. I thought you said Christian had looked into it.”

“He has. I don't know. It's not that I think there'll be anything official. It's more like being somewhere that disapproves of us. I hate that idea.”

“Yeah me too sweetheart.”

 

Mark sighed, thinking how the world was an imperfect place. Here in England they could be married, could apply to adopt a child, could live their lives the same as anyone else essentially, but that wasn't true everywhere.

“I know it's not everyone there, and it's not even that I really think anything will happen,” admitted Seb. “When I spoke to Christian he pointed out that the last thing the government over there want is any negative publicity around the race, so it's not even like in America seeing as I think they're pretty ruthless about stopping protests they don't want, but I don't much like that fact either.”

“No, well you just concentrate on the race sweetheart. Try to forget where we'll be.”

“Mm, not hard with that track. It's pretty anonymous.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“True. Can't say I'm sad not to have raced that one.”

“Yeah. I'd just rather we didn't go there. Couldn't we have France back instead?”

“Gets my vote.”

“Hm.”

“I don't think anything will happen,” assured Mark. “Try to put it out of your mind.”

“Yeah. I'm just being paranoid.”

“No darling, if we were ordinary citizens it might not be too nice over there for us, but we're not. For once we should be grateful for being pretty high-profile.”

Sebastian huffed an unexpected laugh.

“First and only time. I don't know why this one's worrying me when I've already been to Bahrain this year.”

“On your own though.”

“Hmm.”

“You sure you want me to come?”

Sebastian looked at him, outraged.

“Of course I want you there.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at his reaction.

“Alright. No problem then.”

“You do want to come don't you?”

“Course I do. I've hated staying home for the past few weekends.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I'll be very glad to have you with me.”

“Course I'll be with you.”

“I still hate that I wasn't with you at Silverstone,” bemoaned Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“You were with me in spirit.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“You were darling. Before the race I was thinking how important it was that I race for _us_ now, our future.”

Sebastian frowned a little as he worked out what Mark meant.

“Liebling I don't want you to feel more pressure.”

“No it's okay.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah. It's just added incentive. And it worked didn't it?”

“Spose it did, but are you worrying about Porsche? You know with taking a year out?”

“I dunno. It's still a long way off. I just want to put myself in a good position. That would be true even without this.”

“Yeah okay. They've not said anything have they, on all the publicity there was about us?”

Mark shook his head.

“Not since the start. Besides the press have moved on. They've got short attention spans.”

“Hm, the paddock press seem to still try to work in a mention whenever they talk to me.”

“Mm well that's the paddock press. They're bored half the time, trying to make a story.”

“Yeah I know.”

“I thought you said it hadn't been so bad since Aus,” queried Mark.

“It hasn't. You're right, they've calmed down, it's just, you know, niggles.”

“Well you can't let it get to you.”

“No. I'm trying not to. I asked Britta to hold off on any personal interviews for a while.”

“Good. No point adding any more stress in if you don't need to,” agreed Mark. “And Britta's handling the rest, right?”

“Yeah she does. Like I say it's just niggles.”

“Don't let them wear you down.”

 

Seb puffed a breath. It was easier said than done.

“I know they'll make something of you and I being there in Russia this weekend.”

“You mean in terms of us being together?”

“Yeah. They'll want me to have an opinion on the politics of it all.”

“Mm.”

“And the thing is, they know I must do. There's no way I couldn't, but I'm just not interested in being that person.”

“You're just _you_ darling. You don't have to have an opinion to share with the world. That isn't your responsibility.”

“Yeah. I just want to race. I don't want to be Mr Controversial.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“The most intriguing of all the Mr Men.”

“The what?”

Mark laughed again and shook his head.

“They're kids' books. Never mind. I know what you mean. It's bullshit. You didn't sign up for that role. You're there to race just like anyone else. You don't need any more responsibilities.”

“Exactly. It's just sometimes I feel like I spend my life saying _'no comment'_.”

Mark shrugged.

“So let Britta say it. Did you have a chat with her about this weekend when you were in the factory last week?”

“Yeah. She knows the score. Actually she'd already gone over it all.”

Mark smiled.

“Well there we go. So she'll handle it and I'll be around, so everything will be fine, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian looked out towards the undergrowth over to the side where the dogs had disappeared to.

“Do you think I threw the stick too far?”

“They're determined creatures. I suspect they're having a good hunt.”

“As if there's only one stick in the area,” noted Seb ironically.

 

Mark huffed a laugh and was about to comment that the dogs were too clever to bring back the wrong stick when they finally appeared, Shadow bearing something different in his mouth that the pair proudly trotted up and presented it at their masters' feet. Mark and Sebastian looked down at the floor.

“Oh god guys. A dead rabbit. Just what we wanted,” complained Mark.

Sebastian pouted and gave them a rub, avoiding Shadow's somewhat unpleasant mouth.

“Poor things. Is Daddy not appreciating your present?”

Mark smiled at the reference.

“I'd hope a kid wouldn't be bringing us dead wildlife.”

“Ha, me too Liebling. I'm pretty sure in dog terms though that means they respect us.”

“Hmm, maybe they're sucking up to us?”

“Do you think they've been listening to what we're doing?” wondered Seb.

“I'm sure they have. Come here you daft things,” encouraged Mark, giving them each a rub. “You'll still be our boys. You'll just have someone new to look after.”

“I guess they will think it's a puppy.”

“Yeah probably,” smiled Mark. “Right, time to go I think. I'll get rid of this poor little thing.”

 

Mark went to find a couple of sticks to pick it up with so he could return the dead animal to the undergrowth, pushing some dirt to cover it in an approximation of a burial. When he was done he turned to the dogs and held up a warning finger to them.

“No.”

The animals looked at the ground in a fair approximation of a teenage sulk at being rejected, so Mark waited a moment then went over to where they stood nearer to Seb and gave them a rub.

“We love you, but no dead offerings please.”

He looked back up to Sebastian.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. We shouldn't be worried about that should we?”

“Hm? No it's natural darling. Dogs are hunters deep down.”

“Yeah but with a baby.”

“Oh.” Mark stepped in closer and put a hand on Seb's arm. “No sweetheart they know the difference. They wouldn't hurt a baby. Besides, we'd make sure we introduced them properly and trained them to protect the baby.”

“Yeah. Maybe we shouldn't leave them alone with him though.”

Mark smiled.

“It'll be fine. We'll be very careful, of course we will, but I don't think we need to worry.”

“All a long way off I guess,” conceded Sebastian.

“Yeah, but dogs are family animals. We'll just make sure we train them. We'll read up, okay? Make sure we know what to do for the best.”

“Okay. It was just a rabbit I guess.”

“Course it was.”

Sebastian nodded and gave Mark a smile before taking his arm to walk down the hill, the dogs trailing somewhat disconsolately behind them.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Before they knew it Mark and Sebastian were re-packing bags, sorting out Pauline looking after the dogs and rushing through Heathrow once more to catch what was already the umpteenth flight of the year. As they settled into their seats Sebastian felt himself relaxing at the fact that he wasn't alone this time. Flying never seemed as much of a chore when he had Mark to snuggle into by his side.

As soon as the safety announcements were completed and the fight in the air they released their seatbelts and made themselves comfortable. Seb shuffled a little sideways so he could look at Mark.

“Liebling,” Sebastian began quietly so no one around them could overhear.

Mark turned to Seb.

“Hm?”

“You know when Pauline was round this morning.”

“Uh huh.”

“Well we were in such a rush sorting taxis and that, it didn't seem right to mention it, but I was wondering if we should mention to her about our plans?”

“Oh?”

“I mean I know we've barely got started, but it'd be bound to affect her,” noted Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“You planning on making her chief babysitter?”

“No I don't mean to ask anything of her like that, but I don't like to think of keeping it from her. And the thing is when we're not there she picks up the post off the mat so she might see something. I'd hate her to find out in that way. It just doesn't seem right.”

“I suppose that's a point,” agreed Mark. “Yeah okay. She does deserve to have a bit of a heads-up.”

“We see more of her than our families day-to-day. You know if we've got to have personal references on top of family saying stuff, Pauline might be someone we could ask. I mean she sees what we're like at home, more than anyone else really.”

“True. Yeah okay well I reckon we maybe hold off asking anything like that till we know what we need, but talking to her, sure. You're right. I don't like the idea of her finding out by chance. We should tell her.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Imagine if she just came round one day and heard a screaming baby upstairs.”

Sebastian smiled.

“That'd give her a shock I'm sure. Okay, good, well when we get home sometime.”

“Yeah. You're right as always darling. I guess I've been too wrapped up in everything to think about that.”

“Do you think they'll get back to us soon?”

Mark shrugged.

“You're as wise as I am.”

“Yeah, sorry. I hope they do. I just want to get started so we really know what's in store.”

“Mm.”

“I know there's loads we don't know and, well I guess even if it's scary stuff I'd rather know.”

“Yeah it's the unknown that nags isn't it?” concurred Mark. “Nothing to be done but wait and see. I suppose it depends how many other applications they're dealing with. I suspect any kind of operation like that is snowed under with paperwork.”

“You'd think they'd want to get things sorted as fast as possible if there are children needing homes.”

“Mm, but they need to be sure. You don't want to give out a kid to just anyone. There could be some really nasty types out there who...”

“Oh god Mark,” interrupted Seb, “don't even say things like that. I can't bear it.”

“Sorry. Just I understand why they need to be cautious. That's all.”

Sebastian nodded, but his blood had jumped at the idea of someone mistreating a child. It made him feel sick and he was doing his best now to shut thoughts like that out. There were bad people in the world. Seb knew that only too well.

Mark could see the look of discomfort on Seb's face and felt guilty for raising the subject. He moved to put his arm around Seb and gave him a rub.

“Sorry darling.”

“It's okay.”

“I just meant it's good the process is done properly. They'll have to get to know us a bit and then they'll see what a great family we could be.”

“It's not about money.”

“No course not.”

“Or even about us having a big house,” continued Sebastian, though he knew that surely any child would benefit from having a nice life. “I want them to know we'd love a child, that we'd take care of them.”

“Of course sweetheart, and they will. We'll get there.”

“Eventually.”

“Yeah, eventually.”

Sebastian dropped his head sideways onto Mark's shoulder. He still felt oddly emotional. He knew what it was to feel alone in the world, to be afraid. The idea of a child feeling that way was terrible. There were children out there needing a home and he and Mark had a good home to give them. Surely the sooner that was sorted out, the better for all concerned?

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The huddle of press closed in around him as Sebastian stood with Britta late on the Thursday afternoon facing the first official encounter of the weekend. The first few were pretty standard introductory questions prompting Seb to say how he was looking forward to the weekend, then one of the tabloid journalists pushed forwards.

“So Seb. Have you been doing anything interesting between races?”

For a moment Sebastian's paranoia flared up as he wondered what they really meant by that question, but of course there was no way they had any idea what had occupied their time off. The reporter noticed the pause, but he assumed Seb was being reticent about his private life as usual so he gave another prompt.

“You know seeing as it's been in all the papers about Lewis' latest little jaunt hopping over to the Caribbean.”

“Has it?” shrugged Sebastian, realising the journalist was working to his own agenda. “Well Lewis is welcome to do whatever he likes in his spare time.”

“And you?”

“I presume I'm also free to do whatever I want when I'm not working.”

By his side, the ghost of a smile drifted across Britta's lips.

“Next question.”

A recorder came forwards.

“Seb. You said you're glad to be here this weekend.”

“Uh huh.”

“You're here with Mark I noticed.”

 _Did you?_ thought Seb. It didn't take much to work out where this was going. He didn't say anything, merely waiting to see what the actual question was.

“So have you been made welcome here in Sochi?” continued the reporter with an affected innocence.

 _There it is,_ noted Seb. Of course. Predictable as ever. He could give them a long spiel about how being here made him uncomfortable, and how despite themselves he and Mark had automatically been a little less affectionate in public than was natural the moment they arrived here. As they had walked through the airport Sebastian wondered if it was paranoia that made him feel they were getting a few odd looks.

It had only been a few though, so he supposed he could have been imagining it. Everyone they had actually encountered at the hotel and track had been polite and helpful. Whether that was because they were paid to be polite to them, or their reactions showed genuine acceptance, Seb had no idea, but he was at least grateful that they hadn't run into any trouble. Certain sectors of the press would no doubt love it if they did, but Seb knew he had to focus on the positives. One thing was for sure, Seb wasn't about to mention any of this to the media. Instead Sebastian smiled.

“Yes our hosts have made us very welcome and the facilities here are excellent. It's good to be back.”

“Next question.”

Sebastian didn't need to look at Britta, but he knew she understood the same thing he did about how this worked. He wouldn't want to face this mob, predictable or otherwise, without her. It was just another race weekend. He had to forget everything else and just get on with it.

  
  


A short while later Sebastian walked back to the RedBull base to fine Mark inside waiting for him and a smile spread over his face as he thought about how it wasn't actually just the same as the past couple of race weekends because Mark was here and therefore it was instantly ten times better. Seb walked over to meet Mark where he had stood up from where he sat at a table waiting for him. Mark smiled back and leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Hello Liebling,” greeted Seb.

“Hey sweetheart. You look happy. Wasn't so bad then?” Mark checked.

“No not too bad. Britta's in no messing mode.”

“Good.”

Mark took a step back towards the table and Seb belatedly noticed that the table had another occupant.

“Oh hello DC, didn't see you there.”

David huffed a smile, thinking Sebastian plainly had eyes for no one else.

“Hi Seb. Mark and I were just having a catch up.”

Mark re-took his seat and pulled one over for Sebastian to sit beside him.

“Want a coffee?”

“Oh no I'm fine.”

Mark nodded. He would have checked if Seb needed to go to his room after facing the media, but he seemed in good spirits so they might as well chat for a while.

 

“DC has been giving me a grilling,” joked Mark.

“Ah now come on, I'm not wearing my media hat today,” protested David. “I was just saying I barely had time to say hello in Melbourne what with all the clan there.”

“Mm,” agreed Seb, “well there's not so many distractions here.”

“True. I presume that's why you've brought your own distraction.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and Mark scoffed.

“That's what I am is it?”

Seb put a hand on Mark's arm and shook his head.

“Rubbish. DC's just jealous.”

David laughed, “Fine. I give up. Actually I was telling Mark I was out riding with JB the other day.”

“Uh huh, and trying to get information out of him,” added Mark.

“No, just a friendly chat as we went along that's all. I have to say I've down-graded him as a source for any kind of interesting gossip these days.”

“Oh, why's that?” asked Seb.

Mark leaned in closer to him.

“Cos Jenson kept our little secret from him and David's in a nark about it.”

“I am not in a nark. I'm just saying, you know, former team-mate...”

“He's crushed he wasn't invited,” explained Mark.

“You make me sound like a teenage girl.”

“No one was invited,” clarified Sebastian calmly.

“Apart from Jenson and Jess.”

“Well yes, apart from them,” Seb accepted. “Sorry David, but we wanted to keep it simple, just a couple of witnesses was it. We're having a thing in the summer everyone's invited to.”

“Everyone?”

“Well, everyone we ask. Friends, family.”

“Ah so I qualify for that then?”

“Course you do, you daft thing,” replied Mark.

“So what's the plan for that?”

“Just having folk over in the summer, bit of a gathering, hopefully a barbecue in the garden.”

“So at your house then?”

“Yep that's the plan.”

“It's sort of a delayed celebration,” explained Seb.

David smiled.

“Ah you two.”

“What?” frowned Mark.

David shrugged.

“You just ruin all the stereotypes.”

“Which stereotypes would they be then?”

“You pick 'em; Racing drivers and you go and live in the back of beyond taking muddy walks instead of hanging out in MC with the rest of us.”

 

Mark rolled his eyes, but David continued.

“I'm serious, no big glamorous party full of famous faces swanning about.”

“You're quite famous,” noted Seb.

“Nah, racing drivers don't count. _You're_ racing drivers. It's a given.”

“Oh. Well we're only doing it for us. Why would we want to show off?”

“And no fancy hotel, but the back garden...”

“What's wrong with the back garden? It's nice,” argued Sebastian.

Mark shook his head sadly.

“Hey David if it's not up to your usual standards.”

“No no it's fine. I just mean you...”

Mark raised a challenging eyebrow, daring him to say they weren't very stereotypically gay and David tried to backtrack.

“I mean obviously it's good. You should be yourselves.”

“We _are_ ourselves,” stated out Mark. “That's sort of the whole point. We're more ourselves now than we've ever been. This is us. People can like it or lump it.”

Mark automatically put his arm around Seb who smiled and leaned in closer to him.

“We weren't even out a year ago. How crazy is that?” smiled Sebastian.

Mark turned to look at him.

“That does seem strange now. Definitely seems like far longer than a year.”

“And now you're all married and loved-up,” teased David. He laughed at the pair of them sat opposite him looking so comfortable together. “Actually you know what I take it back. You are stereotypical. Racing drivers racing ahead. One minute I don't even know you're an item and the next you're hitched and settled down. Living your life at the speed of light.”

Mark gave him an unflinching look.

“We waited far too long in my opinion. Right darling?”

Sebastian smiled over, knowing that at least a part of Mark was enjoying winding David up by deliberately being so affectionate in front of him.

“Absolutely Liebling.”

“God, you two... you're depressing,” bemoaned David.

“Depressing? Why are we depressing?” asked Seb.

“Just, you're so...”

“What?”

“Happy.”

“Bloody hell,” huffed Mark. “Shouldn't we be?”

“No of course you should. It's just, I dunno, you act like you're still on your honeymoon.”

“How do you know how we acted on our honeymoon?” challenged Mark.

“Actually I don't want to know.”

“We've only been married a couple of months,” Sebastian pointed out. “Wouldn't it be more worrying if we didn't?”

“Spose you're right,” David conceded. “So while I have you to myself for a bit, do you have any other news that I ought to know about?”

Mark looked at Seb then back over to David, giving him a blank smile.

“Nope.”

David looked at the couple opposite him, a slight frown between his brows. He might be imagining things, but he was almost sure he was missing something again. If there was something, they plainly weren't going to tell him. He shrugged and reverted back to type, teasing them once more.

“Fine. So your little shindig in the summer, black-tie I presume?”

Mark nodded.

“You're more than welcome to wear that if you want, but don't blame me if you get ketchup down it.”

 

David huffed a laugh. There was a ridiculous part of him that was tempted to show up in a suit just to wind them up, but then he noticed the way they had totally failed to move apart again. It might still slightly blow his mind to see the pair together as a couple, but David only had to think back a few months to remember when jokes were the last thing on anyone's mind. To see them this way now, he had to agree with Jenson; it really was very sweet.

“Okay I give up.”

“So you'll come then?” asked Seb.

“Course I will.”

Sebastian smiled and Mark huffed a little laugh, oddly glad that their friend was back to teasing them and treating them as he used to. Maybe they were getting close to returning to a normal life? A new normal. Sometimes when he spoke to others it made him appreciate things Mark never noticed when he was just too busy living life. He and Seb so often felt as they had to run just to stand still, but others seemed to notice how much things changed when perhaps he and Seb didn't. Somehow they seemed to adapt without realising. That had to be a positive didn't it?

 

After chatting for a while longer Sebastian finally gave Mark a discreet hint and they excused themselves to go fetch their things from his room to head off for the day. As they walked out through the paddock Seb slipped his hand into Mark's and gave him a smile.

“Good day then?” asked Mark.

“Yeah not too bad. I think I worried myself unnecessarily about coming here.”

“Nah you had legitimate concerns darling. So did I. The press were alright?”

Sebastian gave him a little shrug.

“Meh, they tried a few prods, but nothing too bad.”

“And you handled them.”

“Britta too.”

Mark huffed a laugh and let go of Seb's hand to put his arm around him.

“That's how it's supposed to work. Good. There we are then, onto the real weekend.”

Seb slipped his arm around Mark's waist and leaned a little more into his side as they walked along. He was managing things with Britta. People weren't going to make him feel uncomfortable. If they were going to look at him walking with Mark like this then let them look. He had to stop caring so much about what the world thought of him. Mark turned to him and gave him a smile and Sebastian smiled back. It felt so good to have Mark back with him at a race weekend again, nothing mattered more than that. Everything else apart from the actual racing could fade away. It was going to be fine.

  
  


  
  


  
  


When they arrived back home Seb was tired as he always was after a race weekend, but he had to admit that it had gone better than he had thought. He suspected that without Mark he might have worried himself into a headache on the flight out, but the reassurance of feeling Mark with him always made Seb feel better. Once he had found that there was less to worry about than he had feared, Sebastian had relaxed back to feeling normal and just as Mark said, he could concentrate on the real task at hand.

As they settled down on the sofa just to take a few minutes relaxing into the fact they were home again, the pair sipped cups of tea and petted the dogs, who were as thrilled as ever to have them back. It wasn't to be for long seeing as Mark had his own race weekend coming up at Spa, but for now they were putting that thought from their minds.

Mark took in a deep breath and let it out as a sigh.

“Okay?” checked Seb.

Mark dropped his head onto Sebastian's shoulder.

“I know we slept on the flight, but I'm knackered,” he admitted.

Sebastian turned his head more to look at him and smiled at the tired expression on Mark's face.

“Let's go to bed then.”

“It's morning.”

“So what?”

“Hmm.”

Mark forced himself to sit up a little and Seb expected him to be about to agree to go up, but Mark puffed a breath attempting to wake himself.

“I should check in with work.”

Sebastian frowned.

“Wouldn't they have called if there was something?”

“I ought to just check my emails.”

“Oh okay.”

“I won't sleep otherwise,” admitted Mark. “Just a quick check, then we can go up.”

“It's fine, I understand,” accepted Seb.  
  


Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek, then forced himself off the nice comfy sofa to go to his study to fire up his laptop. Sebastian sat where he was, talking to the dogs and giving them a stroke before he heard a yell.

“Seb!”

Seb shot up off the sofa and rushed through the house to find Mark, the dogs hard on his heels. He went into Mark's study to see him stood leaning over the laptop. Mark turned around, about to yell again when the shout died on his lips.

“ _Se._.. Oh, sorry.”

Sebastian walked up to him.

“What is it?”

“We have a reply.”

It took Sebastian a moment to realise what Mark meant, then he realised why he had called so urgently. There sat in Mark's inbox was a message from the adoption agency. Seb took in a deep breath, feeling his body tense up.

“You've not opened it?” he checked.

“No course not,” confirmed Mark. “You ready?”

Sebastian nodded tightly and the pair of them stood by the laptop as Mark clicked on the email.

 

Mark coughed a laugh in surprise.

“Oh.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian squished his face and shrugged.

“I guess it was a bit much to expect any more just yet,” he accepted.

Mark gave him a little smile and rubbed his arm.

“Sorry darling. Guess I got over-excited.”

They both looked back at the reply email that merely thanked them for their application and promised that they would be in touch.

“It's only been a week,” Seb allowed. “I suppose we have to get used to waiting.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark, feeling strangely disappointed. The sight of the email had made him so nervous, but now it was nothing, he wished it had been more.

“Have you got anything from work?” asked Seb.

“Hm? Oh.”

Mark looked back at the laptop and clicked back to the main inbox. He'd been so distracted by the message that had caught his eye that everything else had gone out of his mind. He scanned through and deleted a couple of junk messages that had snuck past the filters, then shook his head.

“Nope. Just one false alarm.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“At least we know they got it.”

“True. I suppose that counts as a step.”

“Yeah.”

Mark flipped the laptop lid closed.

“Right. Forget emails. I believe you mentioned something about bed.”

Sebastian smiled and offered out a hand to take Mark's.

“I believe I did. Sorry boys, we'll walk you later.”

“Much later.”

They all walked out, Sebastian leading Mark to the stairs, the dogs trailing off to the kitchen to go back to the food Seb had doled out while Mark had made the tea earlier. They hadn't even had to send them in there. Sometimes Shadow and Simba simply seemed to know when they ought to make themselves scarce. This was definitely one of those times.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Only a few days later Mark and Sebastian were off once more, although thankfully this time it was only a short hop over to the continent. They stood in the lobby of the team's hotel close to the Spa circuit, their bags at their feet as they checked in. As soon as they were handed their key-card Mark turned to Seb.

“Okay?”

“Yep.”

They loaded themselves back up with all their luggage and began to cross towards the lifts when another couple walked through the front doors.

“Jess!” beamed Seb, immediately dropping all his belongings and rushing over.

Mark huffed a laugh and dumped his own things on the floor to join them. Sebastian was already buried in a hug from Jessica so Mark leaned in to give Seb a quick hug and pat on the back.

“Hey. I see I rate second-billing these days,” grinned Jenson.

Jess finally let go of Seb who turned to give Jenson a hug as well while Mark swapped to greet Jessica in turn.

“That was well timed,” noted Mark, looking at their bags.

“Yeah, not much point getting here too early when it's only a short flight,” Jenson pointed out.

“True.”

“Oh I'm so glad you're here this weekend Seb,” commented Jess happily. “I'd be all on my own otherwise.”

“Um, hello,” coughed Jenson.

“You know what I mean. You're racing.”

“I'm glad you're here too,” agreed Seb.

Mark smiled, happy to know he needn't worry about Sebastian getting bored while he was busy this weekend. With the four of them here it ought to be much more social and if Seb was happy, he was happier too.

“Good, well you two can have a nice catch up tomorrow while Jense and I are stuck in a bunch of boring prep meetings.”

Sebastian smiled at him and Mark slipped his arm around Seb as the group stood together.

“Why don't we sort ourselves out and have dinner later?” suggested Mark.

“Sounds good,” confirmed Jenson.

“I can't believe I've not seen you since the wedding,” commented Jess. “It seems like ages.”

“Yeah it does,” Seb agreed.

“You'll have to tell me all about the honeymoon.”

Jenson laughed and shook his head.

“Good luck with that. Neither of them would tell me anything when I asked.”

“Well that's because you just want to wind them up about it.”

“I do not.”

Jessica gave him a look and Jenson sighed.

“You do. You're incorrigible.”

Jenson shrugged.

“I don't even know what that means.”

Mark and Sebastian smiled innocently back, but Jess merely gave Seb a quick little wink.

“Anyway, you're right, we can have our catch up while you boys are busy.”

Jenson looked at the other couple.

“I swear Jessy only decided to come because you were coming Seb.”

“That's not true,” defended Jess. “It's just it so often clashes with work. Although I am pleased you're here obviously.”

“Me too,” confirmed Sebastian. “Okay, well shall we meet down here, say in an hour?”

“Sounds good.”

After a brief 'see you later' both couples retrieved their things and went on their way to sort themselves out with their rooms.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next day Sebastian and Jessica sat in Porsche hospitality, their respective other halves off at their meetings. Last night had been fun, taking all their minds off any worries to do with the upcoming race, with plenty of laughter and harmless banter mostly originating from Jenson, though Jess was always a useful steadying influence to remind him not to go too far.

A waitress brought over their drinks and Jess smiled and raised her cup in a 'cheers' motion that Sebastian copied.

“I'm going wild and having a bone fide caffeinated coffee,” joked Jess.

“Is that an indulgence then?” Seb asked.

“Not when we had to get up this early just to sit around all day, but generally I try not to.”

“Why not?” frowned Seb.

“Not so great for the skin.”

“You're kidding?”

Jessica shrugged.

“It's what they say. I don't know, I'm probably just getting paranoid as I get older. Some of the girls I see modelling these days, they're practically children.”

“Ah. I know what you mean.”

Jess huffed a little laugh.

“Guess you do. So how are things in racing?”

“Okay I guess. Nothing too dramatic. I guess there's a part of me that's not too unhappy with things just being steady for a bit.”

“Of course.”

Sebastian gave her a smile.

“You know I wouldn't dare admit that in the paddock.”

“Why?”

“Because you're meant to be living a do or die attitude the whole time. Win or nothing, but right now I feel as though I'm still getting used to being back in the game.”

Jess nodded. She understood why Sebastian was a little more cautious these days. She puffed a breath.

“It's a funny world,” she commented. “Both of them I guess. F1 and modelling. Neither of them have much to do with reality. In the normal world I'm sure you'd never have had to rush back to work so fast.”

“Mm, I suppose so,” admitted Seb. “I was desperate to get back racing, but sometimes now I sort of wish I could...”

He coughed an awkward laugh and Jess sat forwards a little.

“What?”

“I dunno. I sometimes struggle with the intensity of it all. It feels as though we never stop and I miss Mark so much when I have to be away on my own.”

“Of course. Yeah it's a lot isn't it?”

“Yeah that's what I mean. If the F1 season was like WEC it would be better.”

“Or you could go part-time,” Jess suggested.

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Yeah that'd be perfect. I still like racing, but if I could pick and choose which races I did that would good for me.”

“Why can't you do that? I'd have thought they'd have no trouble finding someone to cover the other ones.”

Seb shook his head.

“Just not the way it works. You have to accumulate points for the whole season. I suppose once apon a time maybe that might have been possible, but back then you didn't have so many races anyway.”

“Yeah. It's crazy these days. I don't know how you do it.”

“No choice. I dunno, when I'm there I do enjoy the racing. It's the rest that's a strain.”

“The media?”

“Yeah and the travel. It just takes up so much of my life.”

“Are they being bastards the media?”

Seb laughed at Jess being using that word. It wasn't inaccurate sometimes.

“Not so bad, but they just prod away.”

“Mm.”

Jessica gave his arm a little rub.

“Jenson said your PR person... sorry I've forgotten her name.”

“Britta.”

“Right, Britta, that she was handling it. He made her sound pretty formidable.”

Sebastian smiled, wondering if that report came via Mark.

“Yeah she is. It's much better than last year really. It's just I guess I let it pile up in my head so I worry about it.”

“So it makes you anxious.”

Seb looked her. He wasn't used to thinking of it in those terms anymore, but she was probably right.

“Yeah I guess that's it. Maybe it is still a bit of anxiety.”

 

Jessica nodded, then spoke quietly despite there not being many people in here ahead of the main race weekend.

“You still get symptoms from the concussion?”

Sebastian shrugged slowly.

“A bit maybe. I'm not sure if that's it, but I suppose it could be.”

“Anything else?”

Seb gave a little nod.

“Headaches. Not for a while, but I did last year when I was flying and then when we were on honeymoon.”

Jess looked at him.

“On your honeymoon? When you were flying out you mean?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. We went out one night for a meal and I had a glass of wine. It had such a strange affect on me. It took us forever to walk back and then Mark pretty much had to carry me to bed.”

“ _Seb_.”

Jessica looked horrified and Sebastian gave her a tiny smile.

“If I said that to Jense he'd be taking the piss right now.”

“It's not a joke though is it?”

“No. I was pretty ill the next day. I couldn't really do anything other than take my painkillers and lie on the sofa.”

“Oh sweetie. On your honeymoon?”

Seb shrugged.

“Mark took care of me. He's so kind Jess. I don't know where I'd be without him.”

“Yeah. Ah heck, so what happened?”

“I was okay the next day. We think it was just a bad combination of alcohol and altitude and being tired too I guess.”

“Right. Did you see a doctor?”

“Not while we were there. I was really fine after.”

“So have you spoken to anyone about it?”

“I spoke to Doc Phillips. That's the team doctor.”

“Oh, okay then. So what did he say?”

“He said it was normal for things to take a while to wear off unfortunately.”

“I see.”

“Concussion,” shrugged Seb. “It can just go on, months after apparently, things can crop up.”

“I suppose the brain is complicated.”

“Yeah. Anyway so...” Sebastian let out a sigh. “It's fine really, nothing's happened since then.”

“Sure.”

“I'm really okay.”

“Well I'm very glad you are, but I can see why leaping back into racing full-time is a strain after all that.”

“Yeah. It's not like I don't want to race.”

“No, well, I guess that's good.”

“It's better when Mark's there of course. Last weekend was nice.”

“I'm sure.”

“I know we're making our lives more hectic by trying to go with each other so much, but we hate being apart.”

“Yeah I know what you mean. Jense comes out to Japan with me sometimes.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I think if we could just have maybe half the number of races, for me at least, and we could travel together to all of them, then that would be perfect.”

“Sounds good.”

“We'd still have all the travel, I know, but when Mark's with me I don't get quite so worried about things because I know it'll be okay even if something does happen.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian smiled.

“See I know Jense says stuff about us being clingy and how we're always on the phone when we're apart, but it's important to us.”

“Ha,” scoffed Jess. “Like he doesn't call me.”

“Mm, well anyway, it's just what we need to do to get by.”

“Yeah. Well don't listen to Jenson teasing you about it,” advised Jess. “He's a complete hypocrite.”

Seb laughed and sat back.

“I'll say that next time.”

“You should. That'll shut him up. Honestly, I love him to bits, but Jense does say some rubbish sometimes.”

Sebastian laughed again.

“Ah he's funny mostly, we don't really mind. It's good for Mark when I can't be with him at races. Jenson cheers him up.”

“Good.”

“I wish I could be with Mark at every race. It's so stupid that they can't co-ordinate the race calendar so they don't clash.”

“Yeah I know. You wouldn't have thought it was that hard,” agreed Jess.

“Silverstone, I mean really it's right on our doorstep and I have to be on the other side of the world. I was so annoyed.”

Jess gave him a smile at Seb's outraged tone.

“I'm sure it was very frustrating.”

“I would happily have skipped China to stay home to watch Mark.”

“Yeah.”

“See if I said that to the press they'd go nuts, so I can't. They'd say I wasn't committed to racing anymore and the team wouldn't be too happy either.”

“I suppose not. Ah well.”

 

Sebastian shrugged.

“Sorry for moaning.”

“No that's okay.”

“Things aren't so bad really. It's just we're going to have a hectic couple of months.”

“Guess you're looking forward to the summer already.”

“Yeah. Oh you are going to come to our thing aren't you?”

“Your little party? Sure, we'll be there.”

“It's not going to be anything fancy. Just at home.”

“Sounds nice. I get sick of fancy dos,” admitted Jessica. “I get paid to pose around. I don't want to do that in my free time as well. I think a nice little gathering of friends and family sounds far better. You can really relax then.”

“Yeah that's exactly what we want.”

“There we go then. So are you going to have your family to stay?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah and Mark's. We've not quite worked out the arrangements yet, but we should squeeze in. I'm afraid we won't be able to offer you guys a bed too.”

“No of course not. It sounds as though you'll be packed to the rafters.”

“Yeah. It'll be nice though.”

“Is it going to be the first time your families have met?” asked Jess.

Sebastian took a deep breath and puffed it out.

“Um, kind of. I think our parents must have met at a race or two along the way, but formally, you know with me and Mark being together, yeah.”

“Wow, well that'll be interesting.”

“Mm.”

 

Jess spoke a little more quietly again.

“And things are okay with your family again?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. It's okay now. It was just the shock.”

“Hm.”

Jessica shook her head.

“You didn't do anything wrong Seb.”

“We should have told them.”

“Sweetie you can't please everyone sometimes. Your wedding was for you. It was a lovely day and it was how you wanted it to be. Don't let anything taint that.”

“Yeah I guess. They are alright now.”

“Good. Well forget it and move on.”

“We've been over a couple of times to see them since.”

“And it was okay?”

“Yeah much better.”

“And you have your little niece now. How is she?”

Sebastian smiled.

“She's gorgeous. Do you want see some pictures?”

Jess smiled.

“I thought you'd never ask.”

 

The two sat close together, Jess cooing over the selection of pictures Sebastian showed her of little Sofie. He was so tempted to tell her of their plans, but although Seb was sure that if they told her she and Jenson they could keep it to themselves, he hadn't discussed it with Mark yet and he wasn't about to blurt it out without them both agreeing it. They still had to talk to Pauline. There never seemed to be the right moment when they were rushing around, coming home only to turn around and go away again. Maybe they should wait a while yet, see how the process went on before sharing it with more people?

“You look so happy.”

“Hm?”

Seb looked at her and Jess smiled back.

“You and Mark with your niece in this one. You look lovely together.”

“Oh, yeah. Thanks.”

Seb looked back down at the picture taken shortly before they left the last time they had visited his parents. He and Mark were sat together on the sofa, Sofie held in Seb's arms resting between the two of them, Mark's arm around him. They had been happy in that moment. It had been a wrench to leave, but leave they had to as there had been another race imminent. How they were really going to manage that when it was their own child Sebastian still wasn't entirely sure, but Mark seemed convinced he could take a year out to travel with him, so Seb supposed that could work. It would still be tough though. He had no illusions about that. Part-time would be better, but that wasn't an option.

He looked back up at Jess and smiled.

“Yeah we are happy.”

“Even with all the complications.”

“Yeah even with all that. I'm so glad we got married. It was Mark's idea, but now we've done it I don't know why we didn't think of it earlier. Mark always says he wishes we'd got married last summer.”

“Yeah, well...” Jess drifted off, knowing why Mark highlighted that point.

“Anyway, yeah we're very happy. The wedding itself may have got a bit complicated with my family, but we are fine now and I really don't think we could have waited until the summer.”

“Sure.”

“And it is a comfort when we're apart.”

“Being married?”

“Yeah, being Vettel-Webber in everything official. I'm sure it sounds silly, but it's such a nice reminder that he's with me in spirit.”

Jessica smiled again.

“See, I know it's silly,” conceded Sebastian.

“No no, I wasn't laughing at it Seb. I think it's lovely. I'm glad to see you happy. You deserve it.”

“Thanks. I'm not sure our lives will ever be ordinarily straight-forward and I guess I'm kind of okay with that.”

“As long as you're in it together.”

“Exactly. Anyway enough about me, how about you?”

“Oh I'm fine. Nice to have a few days playing the supportive wife.”

“Yeah for me too.”

Jess raised an eyebrow and they both laughed.

 

“Okay not _wife_.”

“We'll have to make it WHAGs now,” proposed Jessica.

“WHAGs?”

“Wives, husbands and girlfriends.”

Sebastian laughed and raised his coffee in agreement.

“Sure. You're glad to have some time away from work then?”

“Yeah. I get to be myself for a bit. And to see you of course.”

“Thanks.”

“I can be myself with you,” commented Jess. “When I'm working, I mean sure there's a few girls I've known for years and if we're on the same job that's nice, but most of the time you have to watch your back. People can be so bitchy.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“That sounds familiar.”

“Oh?”

“Drivers' briefings. It's like school sometimes.”

“Yeah that's exactly it. People regress into petty little teenagers. Of course in my job that's often what they are.”

“In mine too sometimes,” noted Seb.

“Yeah. Anyways I'm not sorry to have a break from it.”

“What happened the other week?” enquired Seb, thinking of the text Jess had sent him from a job she was working on. “You said it was all kicking off.”

“Oh god yeah,” smiled Jess. “That was crazy. This designer just had a complete hissy fit, then the photographer kicked off and there was uproar.”

“Really? Over what.”

“Over the lighting.”

“You're kidding?”

“Nope. See I told you my world can be as crazy as yours. The light was coming in at the incorrect angle and it was making the outfit look 'all wrong'.” Jess did ironic inverted commas with her fingers and rolled her eyes.

“Why didn't they just change the light?” asked Seb.

Jess laughed.

“Because the light was coming from the sun. We were shooting outside in this Japanese garden. Beautiful place, but apparently that wasn't enough. The sunlight had to shine on the material in a particular way to show it off according to the designer and nobody seemed able to explain to him that you can't just move the sun's angle on a whim.”

“Right. Oh dear. That does sound a bit crazy.”

“Yeah. Such prima donnas. I stayed out of it. I guess as a spectator it was kind of funny, but in the end we had to go for lunch and come back in the afternoon when the sun was in the right place.”

“I see.”

“Maybe I am getting old,” allowed Jess. “But frankly I can't be doing with all that. Why make such a drama? Sometimes I think they just do it for attention.”

“Really?”

“Yeah some folk like to have a reputation. They think it gives them an aura.”

Seb pulled a face.

“I prefer life without drama.”

“Me too. Maybe I'll have to teach you some yoga. I find that very calming when the world around me gets a bit much.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Not sure how good I'd be at that. I like swimming though.”

“Oh yes, your new pool. How's that working out?”

“It's great. Home is perfect now.”

“When you get to be there.”

“Yeah. Anyway you can come see it in the summer.”

“Absolutely. I can't wait.”

Sebastian smiled at her and sat back thinking how nice this was. A race weekend close to home spent with friends. In his ideal world they would all be like this, but that couldn't be. In the meantime he just had to make the best of things.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somewhat abrupt end there I know, but it leads into the next chapter and I just had to make a break point. I'll try to follow it up with the next bit soon if folk are up to that point.


	132. Making Moves – Part 2

 

* * *

  
  


 

By the morning of the race Seb was feeling considerably more relaxed than he would have expected to be at this point in a race weekend. He still watched Mark every time he was in the car with an anxious intensity to be sure he was okay, but it had all been fine so far and it was reassuring to have Jess with him, going through the same thing as she watched Jenson. It also made the rest of the time more enjoyable as they could get a coffee or go for a walk in the spring sunshine getting some fresh air while Mark and Jenson worked with the team.

Sebastian stood with Mark out in the rear portion of the garage, ignoring team members who went back and forth fetching things in the background.

“So you're feeling good about it then?” checked Sebastian.

“Well I'd feel even better starting from pole.”

“You won from second last time.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded.

“That's true darling. I'll bear that in mind.”

“Good.”

“Have you got a good feeling about it?”

“My psychic powers you mean?” laughed Seb.

“Hey you were right last time,” pointed out Mark.

“I only said podium, not win last time. The car is good. You should absolutely get on the podium at least.”

“At least,” Mark smiled, teasing him.

“I think you can win,” decided Sebastian.

“How very reassuring. That despite Jense starting ahead of our car?”

Sebastian glanced back towards the main garage and shrugged.

“Well if you can't get it, I guess it's best if he does.”

“But you'd prefer me to.”

“Obviously.”

“Obviously,” agreed Mark with a smile. “I guess it's down to us. The weather's good, the car's been running well. We'll just have to see what happens.”

“Yeah.”

“You'll be right here won't you,” checked Mark, a little more seriously.

“Course. I've got Jess haven't I?”

“Sure.”

“I'm spoiled really,” noted Seb.

“Hm?”

“Well you have to go through it on your own most of the time. I've been lucky to have Jess with me all weekend to hold my hand.”

“Ah. Oh well I usually have Britta around in the garage for the race.”

“I suppose. Anyway don't worry about me, I'll be fine.”

“You're not nervous then?”

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“I always get nervous Liebling, but I'm sure you're going to go great.”

“Thank you.”

 

Seb pushed up on his toes so he would wrap his arms around Mark's neck, loving the way Mark fitted his arms around him in turn to pull him in by the base of his spine, pressing their bodies in tight. He closed his eyes and placed his cheek by Mark's, just letting them breath together feeling close for a few moments. Then they both loosened their hold slightly and Sebastian moved his head to kiss Mark, finally pulling back with a sigh. They looked into one another's eyes for another moment, then Mark nodded and Sebastian nodded back and they let go of one another. In the background Seb noticed a mechanic moving a pile of tyres, studiously not paying them any attention and he smiled to himself, hoping they hadn't made the man feel uncomfortable.

“Time to go then,” prompted Mark with an indication of his head.

 

Sebastian nodded and they stepped apart to walk back through to the main garage, Mark to rejoin his team-mates, Seb to join Jess.

“Everything okay then?” smiled Jessica.

“Yep good. It's just what we do,” explained Seb. “I guess it's our little routine, whichever of us is racing.”

“You swap roles.”

“Sort of. We're still us, you know, me and Mark, we're different, but it works.”

Jessica nodded. That much was apparent. She eyed the hoody Sebastian was wearing and noticed how the sleeves were pushed up.

“Is that Mark's?” she enquired.

Sebastian smiled and gave a little nod. Jess scrunched her nose.

“God you two are so sweet. No wonder the media love you.”

“Can't say I love them back.”

Jessica laughed then gave him a little nudge.

“Don't say that too loud, they're watching.”

Seb looked over to see a television camera at the edge of the garage homing in on them. Jess waved so he did the same. His little brother would be watching. Every time that happened Seb tried to think about who would be seeing those pictures, not millions of anonymous viewers, but people who cared about them. He smiled and whispered something to Jess before pulling out his phone to text Fabian.

  
  


  
  


Not long later Mark sat in the car waiting for the off. He glanced over to the other Porsche where Jenson sat and thought how some people would no doubt think it strange that they could have a convivial dinner the night before, then race one another the next day. Team-mates just didn't mean the same here as it had in F1 though. It was a shame really. When Mark looked back he wished that even if he and Seb couldn't have been together when they were both at RedBull they could at least have been friends.

He did genuinely believe that their friendship still meant a lot to both of them. Then again if they'd been friends back then surely just like now, that friendship would inevitably have morphed into something more. Mark smiled to himself thinking how he didn't think he could really live without the 'something more' these days. It had been very nice indeed to have that while they were here. He didn't give a stuff about Jenson making his little jokes about the pair of them sneaking off for an early night. If their long-term plans came to fruition eventually as they hoped, then they ought to make the most of those early nights while they could.

Jenson gave him a little salute from the next car and Mark smiled inside his helmet and salute back. It was a polite form of warfare, but whoever won, or if neither won, they would still be friends at the end of the day. Mark knew he would miss this if he took a year out, but he didn't miss F1. You had to move on in life. Perhaps he was a little surprised how well he'd adapted to this, but he had. Hopefully the same would be true if he took something else on.

His radio crackled into life and Mark focussed on that instead. It was time to forget everything but racing. Seb was safe in the garage with Jess. He didn't need to worry about him. Mark could concentrate on beating his friend in the next car, politely maybe, but he was still determined to beat him. The idea of having that moment with Seb looking up at him on the top step was no better incentive.

 

 

 

In the garage Sebastian took a deep breath to steady himself and Jess gave him a little smile, then reached over to take his hand. They might both want their boys to win, but so long as they came back in one piece, that was all either one of them ultimately cared about it. A scarce few feet away engines began to rev and Sebastian squeezed her hand. Hours of torture were about to commence. They'd endure it together.

  
  


It wasn't until both Mark and Jenson were both safely out of the car a couple of hours later after their initial stints at the wheel that the other two could relax a little. Sebastian looked over to where Mark was working with his team and made a discreet gesture to suggest he might like to take a break, but Mark could only respond with a negative. There was too much to look into with the car not quite responding as they'd hoped on track. It wasn't terrible, but they'd dropped a place and Mark was trying to explain how he had tried everything, but something was off. He was trying to find a more useful description than that for the engineers at the moment, so when Seb signalled back that he and Jess might go anyway Mark merely nodded encouragingly. The engineers were currently discussing it with the pitwall and Timo was feeding back to them. Mark tried not to feel pleased when his team-mate reported much the same thing. Something was off. They just had to work out what that 'something' was, preferably as fast as possible.

  
  


  
  


Forty minutes later Jess and Sebastian returned to the garage each carrying a tray of decent coffees from Porsche hospitality in takeaway cups that quickly disappeared once they started offering them around. Mark smiled as he took one Seb had saved for him.

“Thanks sweetheart, that was thoughtful of you.”

“Maybe I'm just sucking up to them?”

Mark huffed a laugh and gratefully drank some of the hot coffee as the pair of them stood out of the way at the back.

“How's it looking?” enquired Seb.

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“They might have to call him in.”

“Really?”

“I dunno. They're debating it now.”

Seb looked out of the garage to see a small gathering at the pitwall.

“They'd obviously prefer to hang on till the next pit and see if they can pick anything up then,” Mark continued.

“Pick what up though?”

Mark shrugged.

“Timo agrees with me. Something to do with the exhaust. It just sounds wrong.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah so they can have a quick squizz. If there's something they'll have to pull her in though.”

“Sure. Oh dear.”

“Yeah.”

“I suppose if it's any consolation, you're still in third aren't you.”

“Mm, not if the car has to come into the garage.”

“No but if they can fix the problem, well I mean you're running third when the car isn't working perfectly, if they can fix it surely that shows how fast you could go.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well now that is a positive way of looking at it.”

“Aren't I right though?” pressed Seb.

“Course you are darling.” Mark took a grateful sip of coffee. “Right then. Perhaps we should be hoping she's in soon?”

Sebastian smiled, glad to hear Mark's tone of voice pick up a little.

“I wonder why it's always 'she'?”

Mark looked up from taking another drink.

“Hm?”

“Cars. They're always 'she',” explained Seb.

“Oh. Dunno. I guess ships were female. Maybe it comes from that.”

“Yeah. Anyway I hope they can fix her.”

“Me too mate. Maybe she needs a coffee break too?”

Sebastian smiled back at Mark. He hoped it was true.

  
  


  
  


A little while later Timo pulled up to a halt outside the garage and as they pitted an engineer lurked at the very limit of the garage, listening intently to the noises emanating from the car, expert concentration on his face like a vintner sniffing wine. As soon as the tyres were changed he shot out into the pit to stare at the back of the car, then raced back over to the others and the garage burst into life as an urgent radio call was made and seconds later the car was being wheeled back into the garage to be pounced on by mechanics and engineers, swarming around the rear. Mark went to consult with the team and Sebastian politely faded out of the way, watching closely to see how things went, hoping anxiously that his prediction might be correct.

 

Agonising minutes later the blur of work was over and the car was heading on its way again, Brendon now at the wheel. Mark and Timo were involved in deep discussions over to the side of the garage so Seb went to stand with Jessica instead.

“Have they fixed it then?” asked Jess.

“They must believe so if they've sent her out. Worse to have to call the car in again than take another spell working on it.”

“Yeah I guess.”

Jenson strode over from where he had been talking with his own team-mate and smiled cheerily.

“Drama drama,” he announced happily.

“ _Jense_ ,” ticked off his wife.

“They'll be on the hunt now,” smiled Jenson, unabashed. “All good box office.”

Sebastian hadn't failed to notice the cameras filming the team working on the car. He supposed the broadcasters must love that kind of thing, especially when the had a six hour race to keep interesting for their viewers.

  
  


Mark stayed with his team, all anxiously watching how the car was doing now it was back out and listening to Brendon's feedback. From the back of the garage Sebastian watched on, his eyes half fixed on the screen showing the running on track, half drawn towards Mark and the rest to see what their reactions told him. It took several laps, but Seb didn't need telling to understand that things were looking up when the car had already recouped several of the places it had lost by coming in. Another ten minutes passed before Mark came over and gave him a nod. The two of them stepped over to the side to talk.

“Guess you were right sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled. He knew Mark and the team understood far more about what was going on, but it was nice to be acknowledged.

“We're going to have to go hard and hope nothing else goes wrong if we want to be in with a shot though.”

“Of the win?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well right now we'd be happy with a podium. We dropped three places.”

“But you're making them up fast.”

“Brendon is.”

“The car is,” shrugged Sebastian.

“Fine,” Mark smiled, not wanting to argue when he was in a positive mood.

“So you'll be back in next.”

“Not for a while, but yeah. We're looking at doing shorter stints, push harder in-between. There's a limit with the fuel consumption, but yeah, that's the new plan.”

“Okay good. Do you want to get some fresh air now then?” asked Seb.

Mark glanced up at the screen.

“I just want to see if he makes any more progress for a bit.”

“Okay.”

“Then yeah we can bob out.”

“I only meant for you. I'm fine.”

“No fresh air is good. Get my brain awake.”

 

The pair of graduated back over towards where Jess was stood watching the television.

“Where's Jenson gone?” asked Seb.

“Loo.”

“Oh, ha, sorry.”

Jenson returned a few minutes later with a nod and his attention on the screen as the rest of the garage was. Brendon was close on the heels of the car in fourth place. He had been for half a lap, but with every metre of track it looked more inevitable, then as he rounded the farthest part of the circuit he lined up and took the Toyota up the inside leaving the driver no choice but to keep enough room to allow him through and then he was on his way, freed to chase third.

The whole garage cheered, Jenson included, and Sebastian and Mark smiled at one another. As things calmed down Mark assessed his team-mate had a while to go before he got near the nest car to try to pass, so he turned to Seb.

“Right. Fancy a stroll then?”

“Yep.”

Mark nipped over to check it was okay, then returned and the pair of them headed out along the paddock.

“Do you want to go get a coffee?” asked Seb.

“Hm. No I don't think so. Just some air and stretch my legs I think.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian took Mark's arm as they walked along and Mark smiled, thinking how once they would have been so nervous about doing this, but though they got looks, nobody appeared surprised or in any way shocked to see it. How could they when the whole world knew they were married? A year ago they had been here undercover, fretting about getting found out and anxiously planning a tentative scheme for coming out with the minimum of blowback. It had all gone to hell of course, but Mark was glad they were where they were now. No more hiding. Plough their own path and let the world adjust around them.

 

“How are you feeling?” asked Sebastian.

“Hm? Oh, good. About the race you mean or just generally?”

Sebastian laughed and leaned more into him.

“Both.”

“Good on both counts I think. I know we dropped down, but you're right, at least we have a real chance now. If we'd have left the fault it probably would have screwed us down the line.”

Sebastian nodded. He didn't ever like the idea of tactically choosing to leave a fault undealt with in a car, but he understood things were difficult now.

“You'll just have to see what you can get,” he offered sanguinely. “A podium would be good.”

“Sure.”

“You can get a podium,” stated Sebastian firmly.

Mark laughed and leaned over to kiss Seb on the cheek.

“Such confidence.”

“Of course I have confidence in you Liebling. I still think you can win.”

“Oh really?” smiled Mark.

“Yes.”

Mark chuckled.

“Based on?”

“Based on the car is good. It's been fixed and it's about to have you in it.”

“Well that's sounds unarguable.”

“Don't argue it then.”

“Very good darling.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


It seemed mere moments before Seb was watching Mark preparing himself to get in the car, exchanging final words with the team and pulling on his helmet to stand at the edge of the garage ready to go. Sebastian had given him a hug and reminded Mark what faith he had in him before they had come back through, given him another hug and a kiss for luck and then almost panicked when he realised he had forgotten to tell Mark he loved him.

“I know sweetheart,” Mark had smiled as Seb had grabbed hold of him when he was about to walk through.

“It's important.”

Mark raised his hand and touched Seb's cheek. He knew what Seb meant; not that it was important that Seb loved him, although of course it was, it was important that they said it before one or other placed themselves in potential danger. You had to know you had said it. It was a bizarre comfort seeing as it always emphasised the possibility of something terrible happening to the one you loved, but it still needed saying.

“I love you too darling.”

Sebastian looked into his eyes and gave Mark a tiny nod before Mark took a deep decisive breath and they went through.

As he watched him climb into the car now, peering over to see Mark being belted tightly in, ready himself to pull away from the pit, Seb repeated his it in his head.

_'I love you. Be safe.'_

Sebastian would have closed his eyes to make it a prayer, but he couldn't take his eyes off Mark. Seconds later he was gone and Seb let out a breath.

“Okay?”

Seb looked to Jess and nodded.

“Sure.”

He looked up to the screen to watch Mark being shown re-entering the track, so familiar to them both. Spa was a great circuit. As soon as Sebastian was sure Mark was going safely along, his mind relaxed enough to think how in his ideal world where he could pick and choose the races he competed in, Seb would still want to come here. He'd still probably pick most of the classics actually. All the great tracks that were such fun to drive and had great crowds watching. Most of them were closer to home too, so that would work. Oh and Australia for family reasons. That would be ideal. If only.

  
  


  
  


  
  


In the car Mark wasn't thinking about anything other than getting the move done to at least get them back into third place. He had to at least put them in a podium position, but that meant passing the Audi which was no mean feat when it was going along quite nicely and had no intention of dropping to fourth when it's own driver was aiming to move ahead. Mark kept pushing and pushing, but for lap after lap nothing came off. He listened to the team chattering on the radio, but Mark knew he just had to hand it out there, take a risk and go for it. He followed the Audi up Eau Rouge once more then waited for him to slow into the following corner and pointed the car down the inside, praying the driver knew he was there and judged caution the better part of valour.

He was tempted to close his eyes, but he didn't. Mark planted his foot on the accelerator and turned the wheel. He had to go for it.

 

In the garage Sebastian was even more tempted to close his eyes, but he couldn't either. He watched with wide eyes, not breathing until the team erupted with cheers. While they jumped up and down to celebrate the move coming off, Seb breathed again. He caught Jessica's eye and gave her a relieved smile. Jenson clapped a hand on his arm.

“Good stuff mate. I'll have to watch my back out there.”

“You due in?”

“Yep, next pit. Once more unto the breach and all that.”

“Right, well good luck then.”

“Thanks.”

Jenson looked to Jess and they stepped away for a few minutes. It was odd to watch them doing pretty much the same thing as he and Mark did. Seb looked back at the screen to watch how Mark was trying to shrink the gap to the other Audi in second place now. As the screen cut to another battle in a different category Seb glanced around at the team and thought how much more comfortable he was in here these days. It wasn't like being in the RedBull garage of course, he couldn't expect that, but Seb appreciated the fact that the team didn't treat him any differently to Jess or any other family of racers or indeed anyone else in the team. He didn't want special attention, just a nod or a hello, that was plenty for him to feel accepted.

 

Sebastian kept half an eye on watching Jenson getting ready to drive and the rest watching the running on track. The other Porsche had ducked and dived a little with its pits, but it still held first place. Seb didn't resent them that. They'd worked hard for it, even if it wasn't immediately obvious to the outside world.

A couple of minutes later it was Jessica's turn to feel the nerves as the other Porsche pulled up and her husband jumped in ready to go. Sebastian watched her watch him, her eyes as anxious as his own had doubtless been. As soon as the car pulled away he gave her a reassuring smile and put his hand on her arm.

“Okay?”

Jess nodded and looked back up to the screen to see Jenson slot back in now in forth place. Pitting took so much longer in Endurance. Seb wasn't sure he would manage with feeling so out of control if it was him driving. In F1 pits were blink and you'll miss it, unless something went wrong, here even if everything was perfect the rules restricting how many people could work on the car at once meant it took an age.

 

It meant Mark was now up to second place, but Seb knew that might be an artificial advance. He was just about to comment to Jess that Jenson would soon move up the field again when the TV cameras cut to another part of the track and everyone in the garage hissed uncomfortably as they saw a nasty pile up amongst a couple of GT cars and one of the LMP2 cars who had been trying to cut through while they argued amongst themselves. Sebastian winced at the state of the cars who had crashed, but at the same time there was a guilty part of him that was relieved it wasn't Mark. Full course yellows were called and moments later the safety car was out and a train forming behind them. Seb saw the engineers talking and guessed they were commenting that it was a shame they had pitted a few minutes too early. If they had held off then the other car would have lost less time to the pit, but there was nothing to be done about that now.

  
  


  
  


The safety car period seemed to last for an eternity, but Mark knew a messy crash needed time to be safely cleared and though he didn't really know the drivers involved he was glad to hear over the radio that they had all walked away from the incident. The field was bunched up now though, offering opportunity and threat in equal measure. The Audi held the lead only metres ahead of him, but for now all he could do was study it's rear end, watch the way it took the corners, try to get a look at his tyres. Eventually they looped past the crash site to see it was all cleared and on the radio Mark heard the information that the safety car was coming in, then soon he was listening out as all of them did for the count-down on the radio telling that the full course yellow flags would be lifted in three, two, one...

Mark floored the accelerator and hung the car out along the outside of the chicane. Normally it was a slowing spot, not a place to accelerate, but their previously slow speed meant Mark's increase was enough to jump the leading car who hadn't expected such a move and by the time they were back on the straight he could continue to accelerate while the other driver tried to recover from his surprise and annoyance at being caught out and Mark was away, heading of La Source and on up the hill once more.

 

Even Seb hadn't expected a move just there. He'd assumed as almost everyone else had, that Mark would wait to pull alongside on the straight and try the undercut at the tight first corner. He was so surprised Seb didn't even have time to be nervous and as a result he was so pleased to see it come off that Seb joined in with everyone else in the garage, jumping up and down with glee. Jess hugged him and they smiled at one another despite the fact that only a short while back, the lead spot had belonged to her partner's car. Jenson was still stuck in fourth and had a longer battle ahead of him, but Jess couldn't blame either Mark or Sebastian for that. There was still plenty of race left to run.

“That was great,” praised Jess.

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“It was pretty good wasn't it?” he had to agree. “I'm sure Jense will find his moment soon.”

“Sure.”

  
  


It took Jenson a while longer but eventually he too leap-frogged the Audi ahead of him, putting him up into third. Then they all watched as he chased the next one aiming to get into second place, but the driver was wise now and defending his position leaving Jenson trapped behind.

Time was ticking on and as the laps passed Seb couldn't help but be glad that the way the second car had to devote its energy to defending from third meant that Mark was able to build a healthy lead before he had to come in to pit. He thought with all Mark had done to help, the team would keep him in the car, but it seemed they were sticking to the plan of harder, shorter stints and suddenly there he was, out of the car once more. There was a part of Sebastian who was relieved to have Mark safe in the garage, but another part of him thought Mark deserved to be in the car at the finish, hopefully in first place.  
  


Mark spent a few minutes holding onto his helmet giving the engineers a rapid debrief but then he came over to Sebastian.

“Hey.”

Sebastian beamed at him and gave him a hug.

“Liebling that was wonderful. You're in the lead.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well right now I'm in the garage.”

“Ach, _Mark_.”

“Yes okay. Thanks sweetheart. Not a bad move if I do say so myself. Kind of got lucky with the timing of the restart.”

“You still had to make the move.”

“Very impressive,” commented Jessica from a couple of feet away.

“Oh thanks Jess, very kind,” acknowledged Mark giving her a smile.

Sebastian stepped in a little closer to him.

“Why did they pull you out?”

“It was time.”

“But you were doing so well,” frowned Sebastian.

Mark smiled and put a hand on his arm.

“We're a team darling. That's just how it works. It's not personal.”

“Yeah I guess. Well done anyway.”

“Thanks. I'd better go carry on.”

“Oh okay.”

Mark gave Seb a quick kiss on the cheek, pleased to see how much of a smile he got in response, then gave Jess a nod before going back over to the engineers.

 

Brendon grinned at him as Mark rejoined them.

“How's the hubby?” teased Brendon.

Mark shook his head.

“One day you might understand.”

“One day, sure.”

Mark rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to discussing the car and how Timo was now doing with the rest. His young team-mate was just a kid really. A good kid, but still a kid.

Jenson was still stuck in third and Mark could read his frustration when he pulled on a pair of headphones to listen on the radio. It did feel somewhat unfair that the other car had lost out partially due to the timing of the safety car that had gifted Mark with the opportunity to get in front. It was all timing. Then again there was still over an hour left to run and a lot could happen yet. Jenson tried a couple more moves, but then just as it looked possible he might make it on his next run the Audi pulled into the pits for his final stop and the other Porsche was handed second place.

 

At the back of the garage Sebastian let out a dry little laugh and Jess pulled a face.

“After all that effort,” sighed Jess.

“I know,” shrugged Sebastian. “Just how it goes I guess.”

 

The team gave a short round of applause to acknowledge that Porsche now ran one, two, but the engineers were already discussing with the pitwall the fact that Audi held clearly held out as long as possible in order to to make a tactical last push. Neither of the Porsche cars could afford to pit again. They had to make their tyres and fuel last to the end whereas first this Audi, then the next as it came in would be on fresher tyres and were fuelled for a hard run to the end.

Mark glanced over to Seb at the back and gave him a little flick of his eyebrows. It was going to be a battle and all they could do was watch.

 

Both Audi's were out and chasing, but they weren't the only ones. Jenson in the second Porsche was also chasing Timo in the lead. The team watched anxiously to see what would happen. At first it seemed that there was too much to be done with the gap the first Porsche had pulled, but slowly the gap shrank and all knew that soon the race would be on. It had been discussed in the very first meeting of the weekend that the cars were free to race this early in the year unless they were genuinely putting the overall team's result at risk. As far as Andreas was concerned a one/two was a one/two, and he didn't care which driver held which trophy. They all knew the score.

It was never quite the same dicing with the other car from your team though, Mark knew that well enough from over the years so as they all stood watching Jenson clawing his way back into contention there was at least the comfort of knowing he wasn't about to do anything stupid. That wasn't to say he wasn't going to try to get past though. Mark knew if it was him in Jenson's place he would be looking for whatever opportunity there was, so lap after lap the two Porsches circulated the track, one behind the other. The problem remained that the two cars were essentially identical, so the second Porsche had no extra power to storm past. Then again it also meant Timo in the leading Porsche had no ability to steam away. So they just kept going, locked in an almost silent battle.

Each back-marker they had to pass left the whole garage holding their breath to see if they held up one or other car more and thus handed an advantage accidentally or otherwise to one of them.

 

At the back of the garage Sebastian gave Jess a little smile as she glanced at him. He understood how she was worrying about what risks Jenson might take. He found himself oddly hoping that Jenson might manage to overtake, but Seb knew that didn't really make sense. Jenson was his friend sure, but Timo was driving Mark's car, so he had to want him to stay ahead. Endurance racing was so much more complicated than F1. Sebastian had to admit he didn't have a clue what was going on in the other categories involved in the race. The truth was he didn't care. All he cared about was how Mark did and how Jenson did and beyond that as long as no one got hurt, anything could happen as far as he was concerned.

 

If you had asked Mark a similar question he would have had to admit that he was rather clearer on what he wanted to happen. He needed to Timo to hold that lead. They needed this win. It felt as though they needed every win of course, but they were so close now, only fifteen minutes to go until the six hour mark. As they watched the two cars trailing around the weaving bends of the far part of the circuit Mark was reminded of watching Sebastian racing in the same position last year. He'd had to hold of Lewis all though the last few laps to take the win and to this day Mark hardly knew how he had done it when the Mercedes was surely the better car. Of course Mark thought that said a lot about Seb's skill as a driver.

He glanced over to Sebastian and gave him a smile and only then did it occur to Mark that Spa had been Seb's last race win. They'd been so happy. Thinking back made him miss Seb even though he was only a few feet away so Mark went over and stood with him, slipping his arm around him to give Seb a little squeeze.

“Okay?”

Sebastian looked away from the screen to him.

“Yeah. Looks close.”

“Mm.”

Seb gave him a tiny shrug.

“You did all you could to put the car in front. Nothing you can do now.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah that's kind of the problem.”

He shook it off, not wanting to give Seb anything to worry about and looked to Jess.

“You okay?”

Jess turned to him for a second, nerves plain on her face.

“They're not going to ask him to hold position are they?” she asked quietly.

Mark shook his head.

“Nope. All's fair in love and racing.”

“Right.”

Jessica turned back to look at the screen. If Jenson was going to make the move she wished he would hurry up and do it. Watching him practically hanging on to the back of the other car for all this time was exhausting.

 

Mark looked to Seb.

“You know I was just thinking this reminded me of you last year,” he commented.

“Hm?”

“You last year when you won.”

“Oh. Oh yeah I forgot about that.”

Mark stared at him.

“You forgot?”

Sebastian saw how worried that remark had made him and gave a little shake of his head.

“No I just meant I hadn't thought about it. I just, yeah I guess I didn't really think about that being last year.”

“Right.”

“I've won here a couple of times.”

“Sure,” nodded Mark, still feeling unsettled by Seb's comment.

“Mark I didn't totally forget it. It's okay.”

“Yeah course, sorry.”

Mark tightened his hold around Seb a little and Seb leaned into Mark to reassure him, turning his head to look to be sure he could see everything was alright.

“I remember you being here and Fabe. I remember it raining and being on the podium and looking down at you.”

Mark smiled and felt himself relax slightly.

“Yeah I remember that too.”

“It seems a very long time ago,” admitted Sebastian.

“Yeah it does.”

They looked at one another for a moment, neither sure what to say after that. Then they both heard Jess gasp and their attention was thrown back to the TV screen where the cameras now showed Jenson getting closer than ever as the two cars shot along the Kemmel Straight and then as Timo went into the first bend of Les Combes the older tyres on his car had less grip and he was unable to take as tight a line as he wanted. Mark stared at the screen, knowing exactly what was going through Jenson's head as he followed right behind. Timo couldn't hold it going into the second part of the bend. This was Jenson's chance. He had to take it.

They all watched as the second Porsche pushed a nose inside the tighter middle of the next section of the bend and Timo was left with no choice but to give him room. Mark sighed as he watched the inevitable occur in front of him. He felt Sebastian slip his arm around his waist and was grateful for the comfort as he helplessly watched the lead he had made slip away.

The garage applauded politely and Mark let go of Seb to do the same, not wanting to seem unsportsmanlike. Sebastian let go of Mark in turn and clapped with the rest. He looked over to see Jessica's face lit up and gave her a smile and a nod, then turned to Mark who shrugged and shook his head. Seb put his arm back around Mark's middle and leaned in close so only he could hear.

“Sorry Liebling.”

Mark shook his head again.

“He's on newer tyres. It was bound to happen really.”

Sebastian looked up at him sympathetically and Mark gave him a resigned smile and another little shake of his head to tell him not to worry about it, then they both went back to watching the remains of the race. At first Timo made efforts to fight back and chase Jenson back in turn, but soon the wear on the tyres meant he was slipping further back and by the end of the race Mark was worrying that the Audi behind was going to take him as well and they'd end up in third or even fourth place. In the end the chequered flag coughing come soon enough and Mark let out a sigh of relief before letting go of Seb to give Jess a hug.

“He did good,” Mark offered.

Jess thanked him a little awkwardly and accepted a hug from Sebastian as well before rushing off to meet Jenson at Parc Fermé and the two of them were left alone for a moment before Mark spoke up.

“I need to go.”

“Of course.” Sebastian turned and put his hand on Mark's arm as he looked at him. “You did everything you could Liebling.”

“Yeah.”

“Second is still good.”

Mark huffed a laugh and shrugged.

“I guess we just held position.”

“It's never that simple is it?” noted Seb.

“No. Ah well. Will you come and watch me on the podium?”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“That's the only stupid thing you've said all day.”

Mark smiled a warm smile and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.

“I've got to get going. See you in a bit.”

 

He went to speak to the team then disappeared, so Sebastian went after Jessica and found her waiting below the podium.

“Hey,” he greeted.

“Oh hi.”

“Did you see him?”

Jessica smiled widely and Sebastian ended up doing the same. He was disappointed for Mark, but that didn't mean Jenson didn't deserve his win or Jess deserve the joy that came from seeing it.

A few minutes later Sebastian and Jess stood together as they watched the drivers come out onto the podium. Seb did feel happy for both her and Jenson. He remembered how they had stood supporting him when Mark had won at Le Mans and he had been an emotional wreck. They were true friends and they deserved success and happiness just as much as he and Mark did. It was their turn Seb reconciled. Mark still had an excellent second place to cheer about so he did that with enthusiasm, trying to make sure that Mark could see his smiles and applause.

  
  


Mark patted Jenson and his fellow drivers on the back and smiled for the cameras as they held their trophies aloft. He looked for Seb down in the crowd and tried to hold his eyes for a moment until the champagne started being sprayed and he had to dodge getting soaked. A few minutes later they were making their way down again and Mark was already thinking about what he would say to the press. He didn't want to say he was disappointed and he couldn't blame Timo when Mark was quite certain nobody could have held that place with fading tyres. He was just thinking how he could phrase that more positively to the media as he came down the stairs about to head out when he saw Seb waiting for him.

“How did you sneak back here?” asked Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I know the way.”

Mark laughed.

“Well that's true enough. You okay? We have to go face the press now.”

“I know. I just wanted to see you. Sorry, I know you're busy.”

Mark shook his head, not caring that all the other drivers were around passing by and leaned in to steal a hug. Sebastian put his arms around Mark's neck and pressed in for a moment to whisper into his ear.

“I'm very proud of you today Liebling.”

Mark took in a deep breath and squeezed Sebastian in. He closed his eyes for a second then forced himself to let go.

“I'll see you soon.”

Seb nodded, knowing he needed to let Mark get on.

“I'll be with Jess back at base.”

“Sure.”

Mark gave Seb a smile and walked away to follow the rest feeling far better oddly enough than he had on the podium. He'd done his best and got a decent result. Seb was proud of him. That was enough. More than enough. He'd go tell the media that they'd had a good weekend and the team were happy. He'd finish up work and then go find Sebastian, say goodbye to their friends and go home. Home with Seb. What more could he want really?

  
  


  
  


As soon as he could Mark came back to the base to change and found Seb with Jess just as he'd said, sat in hospitality at Porsche. He greeted Sebastian with a kiss and told Jessica that Jenson sent his apologies but as race winner, their team had extra media duties and he would be along later. Sebastian looked to his companion.

“Um, will you be okay on your own?”

“Course,” dismissed Jessica. “You go on. I'm gonna make some calls.”

“I'm sure Jense will be back soon,” assured Mark. “We've got the debrief starting in twenty minutes.”

“It's fine.”

Mark gave her a nod and Sebastian promised he would be back soon before the pair of them went to his room.

“I need to jump in the shower,” commented Mark.

A smile crept onto Seb's face and Mark laughed.

“Yeah I like the idea darling but it's about a foot wide.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded back.

“When we get home then.”

“Absolutely sweetheart.”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek and peeled off his clothes to go grab that shower before returning to dress in team gear.

  
  


“Ah that feels good,” commented Mark as he smoothed down the fresh change of clothes.

Sebastian smiled at him from where he sat on the bed.

“Looks pretty good too.”

“Ha. Seriously though, that's the thing with Endurance, it's a long old day.”

He could have gone to change into a new race outfit mid-way through Mark supposed, but he didn't like to go too far from the garage when it was all up in the air.

“Do you have to go now?” asked Seb.

Mark checked his watch and shook his head.

“Few minutes.”

He plonked himself down on the bed next to Sebastian who leaned into his side.

“You're alright then Liebling?” Seb checked.

Mark leaned back into him.

“Yeah.”

“I know you must be a bit disappointed.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and put his arm around Sebastian.

“Ah a bit I guess. It would have been nice to win with you here.”

“Yeah.”

“It's typical. Why do we get better results when the other isn't here to see it?”

“Not all the time.”

“I suppose.”

“We can be together for most of the races coming up into the summer,” offered Seb. “I've been thinking about it. I know it'll be tight and you don't have to come to Canada, but...”

“I want to come to Canada.”

“It's right before Le Mans,” Seb pointed out.

“Same as last year. Look, we can sort it all out when we get home, but I've thinking too; why don't we look at the calendar and really come up with a plan for the next couple of months, you know, in detail?”

“Okay sure. It's pretty hectic.”

“Exactly, so I was wondering, well I know it might seem an indulgence, but if we're going to do that, then we need to make it as painless as possible,” suggested Mark.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I think we should forget being sensible for a bit and think about what's really important.”

Seb was still frowning so Mark smiled and spelt it out.

“I know you hate travelling.”

“I don't mind when I'm with you.”

“No but the less time the better, right?”

“Sure.”

“So we should hire a plane.”

Sebastian coughed with laughter.

“You're kidding?”

“No. Why? Don't you think it's a good idea?”

Seb sat back away from him and saw Mark looked disappointed.

“I just, well... I never thought you'd say that.”

“We can afford it can't we?”

“I suppose so.”

“So we should work out when it would make sense to do it,” argued Mark. “I mean Spain and Monaco it might make no odds, but the other times... Wouldn't it be nice just to cut out all that hanging around at airports and just go direct?”

“Yeah I guess it would. I guess didn't think of us doing that, but...” Seb laughed and shook his head.

“What?”

“No it's just I think I spent half this weekend moaning to Jess about being sick of travelling. Did she say something to you?”

“Nope. Or Jenson either before you ask, but I know you don't like it. I don't much either. I was thinking as I walked back about what's important, cos a couple of years ago I'd be sulking right now about losing out on the win, but when you came to see me all I could think about was how soon we could be home. _That's_ what's important; you and me and spending our time as best we can together. Money isn't.”

“No, okay.”

“So what do you think?” asked Mark.

 

Sebastian turned more to him, pulling his legs up onto the bed to face Mark.

“Okay you're right. I guess we've always avoided that cos it's not us, but I don't care about the money. If it makes life easier and we get more time at home then it totally makes sense.”

“Good.”

“I guess I have thought about it once or twice, you know when Lewis talks about his plane.”

“Mm. Okay then. Well we'll look into it.”

“I can't imagine actually buying one, but hiring one for when we need it, that makes sense.”

“That's what I thought.”

Sebastian smiled and shuffled up closer so he could fit his arms around Mark.

“Thank you.”

“It's for me too.”

“Yeah but that's because you're coming with me so much.”

“I always want to be with you.”

“Me too.”

“So then, we do whatever we have to so that's possible without it wearing us out. Why make life harder than it needs to be?”

Seb smiled at him.

“We usually do a pretty good job of that anyway.”

“Nah. I just think we should do whatever we can to be happy. Forget what's expected, forget what we've done before. Life is stressful enough as it is.”

 

Sebastian nodded and leaned into Mark to kiss him, pushing him back so Mark ended up lying on the bed, laughing even as Seb kissed him. When Seb lifted up a little, Mark raised a hand and stroked his round smiling cheek.

“You like my suggestion then?”

“I think you're amazing.”

“Amazing?”

“Yeah. You could be all pissed off about the race, but you're busy thinking about how to make our life better. That's pretty incredible Liebling.”

Mark smiled up at him.

“You made me think about it because I was thinking how you make my life better. It's just a matter of priorities. Mine aren't what they used to be and think that's a good thing. I think from now on we forget the past and what anyone else thinks and only worry about us and what's best for us.”

“We finally get to be selfish racing drivers flashing our cash.”

“Yeah fuck it.”

Seb laughed and dropped back down into Mark, making him laugh in turn as he felt Seb vibrate against him. He let himself appreciate it for a moment then sighed.

“Right, much as I'd like to go with this theme and stay here, I need to go do the debrief and then we can go home.”

“Okay,” replied Seb more soberly, finally pushing himself up off Mark so they could get up.

 

They walked back to the main hospitality where Jess was sat by Jenson who rolled his eyes at the pair of them walking in, arms wrapped around each other.

“Bloody hell I was going to ask how it was I got back after you, yet I'm the one sat waiting to go,” complained Jenson, “but know I now why.”

Mark rolled his eyes and deliberately gave Seb a kiss on the cheek before letting him go.

“See you later sweetheart, hopefully we won't be long.”

“No problem Liebling.”

 

Sebastian took Jenson's seat by Jess and the other two walked away to their meeting. As they left hospitality Jenson shook his head at Mark.

“You two.”

“Us two what?”

Jenson gave him a look and Mark shook his head.

“We were having a chat.”

“Sure you were.”

“We were.”

“Cos that's what the two of you do when you're alone, _chat_.”

Mark stopped and looked at Jenson.

“We do actually. I talk with Seb like I never have with anyone else. He's my best friend.”

Jenson shook his head and smiled.

“Okay, fine. So are you two rushing off home after this then?”

“Yeah.”

“For more chatting,” teased Jenson.

Mark smiled at him and set off walking again, Jenson rushing to catch up. Mark was still smiling and Jenson didn't think that smile had anything to do with plans for _chatting_ with Seb.

  
  


 

* * *

 


	133. Sorting Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm catching up on myself here, but it always feels good to post a chapter ahead of Monday. Somehow it always cheers me up.

* * *

 

  


On the Monday morning after they got back home Mark and Sebastian sat at the laptop in the kitchen intending to look at how they might go about hiring a plane to get them about during the busiest part of the season, but they had only been researching for a short while when an email pinged through and to their surprise they found another message regarding their adoption application. This time the message was more personal, coming from a woman who introduced herself as Rachel saying she was assigned as their case-worker and asking if they could come in for a chat. As soon as he had read through the short email Sebastian turned to Mark.

“What does 'a chat' mean?”

Mark shrugged.

“I guess it means they don't want to put people off.”

“Do they mean an interview?”

“I don't think she can mean anything that formal or she would have said. I'm guessing it's more a chance for us to ask her questions and find out what we need to do.”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“It doesn't sound like anything to worry about.”

“No. No if it's just an introduction I guess that's okay. Shall I reply and say yes?”

“Yeah go on then.”

 

Sebastian typed a quick reply in the affirmative asking when they could come to see her and if they needed to bring anything. They were surprised again to have another reply only twenty minutes later asking if they were able to come in to the council offices on Friday.

“Oh,” sighed Seb.

“You sure she means this Friday?” checked Mark.

“Yeah she does. I don't suppose it looks too good if I say, 'sorry I'll be driving in Free Practice at the time'.”

“Why not? It's the truth.”

“Hmm.”

“Look darling we're going to have to be honest with them. We're not their standard applicants. If they're going to approve us they have to approve us, who we really are. There's no point pretending.”

Sebastian puffed out a long breath. He knew Mark was right, but he only wanted to tell them the most positive aspects of their lives and not complicate anything in case that went against them.

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian squashed his face about for a moment, trying to think how to compose a message in reply. In the end he decided to keep it simple and told her that he and Mark were away for work, but they were keen to see her as soon as possible.

“That sounds okay doesn't it?” he checked.

Mark leaned in to have a quick read, then nodded.

“Sure. Sounds polite but pro-active.”

Seb laughed at that description, but he pressed send anyway.

“It's just a chat,” reminded Mark, not wanting Seb to worry about it.

“Yeah. Okay so you want to look at the planes?”

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“What?” asked Seb.

“No it's just I was thinking about us being out of the ordinary. Most people writing their shopping list in the kitchen don't write: item 1; jet plane, item 2; baby.”

“Tsk, we're not _shopping_.”

“No okay. We do want both though.”

“Mm, yeah.”

“Well back to item 1 then.”

“Anyway it's the other way around.”

“Huh?”

“Priority list, the other way around,” clarified Sebastian.

“Oh. Course it is. We can't do anything about number one right now though.”

“No fair enough. Okay then, so where are we looking?”

 

They returned to scrolling through private charter flight websites, seeing who was nearby and what might work. Sebastian laughed as they looked through the online brochures showing pictures of the interiors of the planes.

“I suppose it is a bit like shopping,” Seb admitted. “It does feel a bit weird. Do you think we can actually go and look around them?”

“Yeah I'm sure. For those prices we should be able to give them a try.”

Sebastian looked to him.

“It's mostly for my races. I don't mind paying.”

“No darling, joint account.”

“You're sure?”

“Yep. It's for both of us,” insisted Mark.

“Mm, okay. I do quite like the idea of going to see them. We could do that next week couldn't we?”

“Sure.”

“I'd want to meet the crew, see if they're nice.”

“I'm sure they'll be nice. I want to see if we can get seats sat together. I wasn't too keen on Lewis' seating arrangements.”

Seb laughed and leaned into Mark's side where they sat together at the table.

“Picky picky with your luxury jets,” teased Seb.

Mark rolled his eyes, but Seb was actually right.

“Hey if we're paying for it we might as well get what we want. Don't you want to be able to curl up together?”

“Of course I do.”

“All alone, left in peace on our private jet heading home as fast as we can.”

Sebastian dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder.

“That sounds lovely Liebling.”

“Good. Well let's email a few of them and sort that out for next week.”

“Aren't we being organised?” smiled Seb.

“Well we'd better pull our finger out seeing as we're going to need to book it all.”

“Yeah. Once that's sorted I'll need to tell logistics at work too.”

“So they can un-book us.”

“Mm. Guess they might not be too thrilled.”

“Nah they won't care. As long as you turn up for the race they can count their job as done.”

“True. Okay you send those and I'll make tea.”

“Righto.”

 

They completed their respective little tasks and were just starting to feel as though they had completed their work for the morning and could relax when another email came through. Mark looked over to where Seb was just putting the milk back into the fridge.

“Seb there's reply from that woman Rachel.”

Sebastian rushed over and sat down as Mark opened the message. They both read it through and Seb pulled a face.

“Oh dear. I think I must have sounded too keen.”

The reply had bounced back offering to see them either the next day or Wednesday that week which wasn't what either of them had been expecting. Mark looked to Seb.

“Well what do you think?”

“We can't do Wednesday, we're flying out to Spain.”

“No I know. What about tomorrow then?”

Sebastian pushed out a long breath. He knew it was paradoxical seeing as he wanted the process to move as quickly as it could, but this felt fast.

“I suppose if it's just a chat,” he allowed.

“Yeah. Probably just to get us introduced, see if we're really serious,” offered Mark.

“Yeah okay. So we say yes?”

“If you want to. If you'd rather put it off till after the weekend?”

“No no. It's better to say yes isn't it? We look committed then.”

“Okay let's go for it. We'd better ask if she wants us to bring anything like ID.”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian typed another quick reply and then sat back.

“It's better actually. I'd only have it on my mind if we were waiting.”

“Yeah me too. I'm sure the idea is to give us reassurance on stuff and so we can ask questions.”

“Mm. I didn't think it would be so fast,” Seb confessed.

“Me either. Maybe we caught her on a good week?”

“Maybe.”

“That or someone cancelled on her.”

“Yeah. I suppose they've probably got targets and things if she works for the government.”

“Hm?”

“You know like where it said on the website about them trying to speed the process up nowadays,” Sebastian recalled.

“Oh yeah I guess. It's still only a first meeting.”

“Yeah.”

“Right then. Did we have some tea waiting?”

“Oh yeah, sorry.”

 

Sebastian leapt up to retrieve their drinks before they went cold then they sat flicking through more websites about hiring planes until the awaited reply from Rachel came through with more details telling them time, place and what they needed to bring. The mention of official documents made them each feel a little more nervous, but Mark pointed out that they had had to do the same when they had applied to get married.

“I suppose at least we know where they all are then,” noted Sebastian.

“Yeah true. Oh and wedding certificate, we should put that in,” Mark suggested.

“Shall we just go do it now?”

“If you want to.”

“I'd just rather have it all organised. If we have a file and put it all together then we know we're ready.”

“Sure. I'll print this off.”

 

They abandoned their tea and took the laptop back into Mark's study where the printer was and got themselves organised, finding all their documentation and putting it ready to go.

“There we go. Done,” stated Mark decisively. “Now then seeing as we'll be busy tomorrow why don't we forget all about things for now and do something nice.”

Sebastian nodded.

“What do you want to do?” prompted Mark. “Swim, walk the dogs?”

“Hmm, why don't we take the dogs out, then we could go for a ride after lunch?”

“Sure. Sounds good.”

“Then we could have a swim after that.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“And then lie down on the sofa?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah that sounds nice too.”

“There's a plan then. And tomorrow we can go for a run in the morning, then we'll feel all set up for the afternoon.”

“Perfect.”

Seb stretched up to give Mark a kiss on the cheek. They both knew that they were intentionally keeping themselves busy so as not to allow themselves to worry about the upcoming meeting, but the sun was shining and they would be doing all their nice normal activities that they enjoyed at home. That ought to be sufficient to distract them for now.

  


  


The following afternoon they sat in another anonymous government building, decorated to what Mark was beginning to suspect was an officially decreed colour scheme of beige on beige, designed to offend no one and lend an atmosphere of calm conformity. The soft seating in the waiting area where they now sat was a matching beige with low coffee tables in front scattered with old magazines that nobody ever read. Sebastian's hand rested in his so Mark gave it a little squeeze getting Seb to smile at him.

“I'm sure it won't be long,” he assured.

“It's fine. I guess they're busy.”

Sebastian was tempted to go through their file to check they had everything they needed, but he knew that would make him look nervous and he didn't want to give that impression. He was about to say something to Mark about packing later at home, when the door over to the side opened and a woman came out. Seb and Mark sprang up to meet her as she walked over to greet them.

“Hi. You must be Mark and Sebastian. I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Rachel Groves.”

They shook hands as she showed them through, both Mark and Sebastian somewhat surprised that she was younger than they had expected. She had dark blonde hair swept into a loose bun and wore a long cardigan over fairly casual clothes. She smiled and chatted as she swept them into her office, explaining that something had cropped up she'd had to deal with.

“I did rather squeeze you in to be honest seeing as you said you were going away, but then this thing came up and I had to get back to them. That's rather how things are in this job I'm afraid. I'm usually juggling a raft of cases at once.”

“It's no problem,” assured Mark as they took seats opposite a desk piled high with papers beside a computer. He'd been expecting another bland beige room and beneath everything else he guessed this room was beige too, but in here the walls were covered in children's artwork and cards. Rachel caught him looking and smiled.

“My successes. They're there to cheer me up when I'm having a tough day.”

“They're lovely,” commented Seb. “Are they from the children you've worked with?”

“Yes, just a few from over the years, but I still get sent things. I deal with both sides you see, adoptees and adopters as it were.”

Mark and Sebastian nodded and she glanced at the bag Mark held.

“Okay, well first off I just wanted to say welcome and thank you for getting in touch. This is really just a chance to say hello and to let you ask any questions you have and to give you an idea of how things work. Okay?”

“Great. Oh we brought all the documentation.”

“Okay good, well if you have that then we can actually get things started if you like.”

Mark opened his bag and pulled out the file to hand over which Rachel flicked through before setting it to one side.

“I'm sure that's all fine,” she assured. “We just need that to get the paperwork going. As you may have noticed there's a fair bit of that involved.”

“Sure.”

“Okay well have you got questions or shall I just take a quick run through things first?”

Mark and Sebastian looked to one another then Seb gave her a nod.

“Um, maybe just go through it?”

“Fine.”

 

Rachel ran through a basic explanation of the process, trying to keep it simple so they weren't intimidated, though both Seb and Mark felt slightly bombarded with all information despite her conversational tone.

“We do have a pretty good track record here,” she continued, “but this is an area where I have to say there's never a day where we have nothing to do. As happened today even when I think I have a window free something tends to crop up and the sort of issues we have aren't ones you can put to one side and deal with tomorrow.”

“Of course. We appreciate you fitting us in,” thanked Seb.

“Well we are always very keen to meet potential new carers. So, without wishing to put any pressure on you, can I ask what prompted you to get in touch?”

Mark and Seb looked at one another, then Mark ventured an answer.

“Um, well I guess just the obvious reason really, we've been talking about having a family and well, of course with us, well biology rather counts out the usual route.”

Rachel nodded.

“Fair enough. And you've decided that adoption is the route you do want to take?”

“We have.”

“We've talked about it a lot,” assured Seb. “And we've discussed it with our families.”

“Ah right, well that's good.”

“They're very supportive,” added Sebastian.

“Great well that's good to hear. This can be a difficult process, so the more support you have the better in my experience.”

“We are prepared for that,” insisted Sebastian. “We've tried to research as much as possible and we know it'll take a long time, but it's what we really want. We think we could give a child a really good home.”

Rachel smiled at him rushing to say all that.

“Good. You're going to need all that enthusiasm.”

“Can I ask?” began Mark. “In all we've read the time-frames are really vague.”

“Hm, well I'm afraid my answer is going to be equally vague. As I said, the initial part of the process is to be approved and that on its own can take months. I can't say how many because it isn't all in my hands.”

“Okay, no idea at all though?”

“Well the latest guidance is that we should be targeting six months which is actually a lot quicker than it used to be. Officially that is. They're meant to have removed a lot of the red-tape involved, but in my experience there's just as much, hence all this.” She indicated the pile of files and papers. “But we are trying our best to expedite things. It does help where people are well-organised like yourselves. If we can tick off the easy things like documents and completed paperwork, then we can sometimes we can go much faster and we are able to move on to the other aspects.”

“Such as?”

“Well again it's more officialdom I'm afraid, financial matters, references, medicals...”

“Medicals?” interrupted Sebastian.

“Just a form signed off by your doctor that you are fit and healthy enough to take on the responsibility of caring for a child, nothing intrusive.”

“Oh okay, sorry.”

“No that's fine. I appreciate that it can seem over-whelming. I have some leaflets for you that set all these things out.”

“Sure.”

“Then there will be more meetings with both myself and social workers as well as home visits.”

“Right.”

“Nothing you need to worry about,” she assured, “just standard steps we go through to ensure that prospective parents are suitable, as well as giving you the chance to be really certain about adopting.”

Sebastian nodded and glanced over to Mark.

“Oh um, I wanted to ask something,” Mark began.

Rachel nodded encouragingly.

“Okay so I sort of hate to mention this, but I just wanted to be sure that all this is kept private.”

“Oh I see. Yes of course personal privacy is absolutely respected. We will need to share information between those working on your case, but beyond that you need have no concerns.”

“Thanks. I don't want to sound paranoid.”

“No I understand. Perhaps I should say, although I'd hope you already understand this, your case will be treated the same as any other. We don't discriminate.”

“Of course.”

“To be honest the idea of a traditional family has less hold here than the welfare of children. I have placed children with families of every shape, size and background. The success of the placement is based on one where both child and parent or parents are secure and happy.

“Thank you.”

“Now to that end, assuming you are approved, we then move on to the matching process. Have you looked into that at all?”

“Um, not to any great extent. There wasn't a great deal of information out there,” admitted Seb.

“No, okay well that's largely because it is determined by circumstances. There are of course children already awaiting homes, but every day new cases occur, whether that is children taken into care for whatever reason, or situations whereby parents, usually mothers, are registered with us in advance.”

Sebastian frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Well there are legal orders sometimes set ahead of time where it is decided that the mother or both parents cannot care for the child, but there are also mothers who approach us who have decided that they do not wish to keep their child when they are born.”

“Oh, right.”

“It isn't hugely common, but it does happen,” explained Rachel, “sometimes very young mothers, sometimes those who feel they won't be able to cope, or cannot give their child a good home. Sometimes it is simply a personal choice.”

 

Sebastian nodded, but he glanced at Mark, wondering at the circumstances that could push someone to want to do that. He couldn't imagine not wanting to keep a child, but Seb knew he was in a very different position to some people out there. Surely mothers must be desperate if they had to give up a baby? It seemed a strangely Victorian concept, but then perhaps that would be how they would come to have a child. Seb knew it wasn't something they could pass judgement on.

“So as I say, you can't really predict what will crop up as it were. My advice would be not to worry about that for now. Once you have hopefully been approved we can look at that.”

 

“Sure, and we were presuming things like parenting classes, that sort of thing?” suggested Mark.

“Yes we can help with that.”

“We'll do whatever it takes,” Sebastian offered.

Rachel smiled and nodded.

“I'm sure. Do you have a lot of experience with children presently?”

“Oh um, well really only nephew and nieces, that sort of thing. Is that a problem?”

“No no, I just wondered.”

“I mean we can meet quite a lot of kids with our work, but just to say hello to and have a chat if they come to see us.”

“I see. Now, this is really a question for a later date, but your work involves travel?”

Mark and Sebastian both nodded, each noting that it was the first time she had made any real indication that she knew who they were and what they did.

“Yeah, we've already thought about that,” began Seb.

“I see.”

“Mm, yeah so we know that's probably pretty unusual, but there are other drivers who travel with their families and they seem to do okay. It isn't completely year round and it's really pretty rare that Mark and I are racing at the same time.”

“But I'm going to take a year out anyway,” interceded Mark.

“Oh are you?”

“Well if this all comes off, yeah, that's what we decided. Then at least one of us is completely focussed on this.”

“Okay, well that's not actually compulsory, but if you feel that's what you want to do then you may decide it's for the best. You should know that as adoptive parents in this country you have the same rights as other parents when it comes to leave.”

“Yeah that's what we thought. So I'd take a year out and travel with Seb where we could. We thought we'd play it by ear, see how we get on.”

“If it's too much then Mark will stay home,” added Seb. “But although we've pretty busy in patches through the season, we actually have like four months off from racing each year.”

“And for me if I do go back to WEC, that's where I race now, we only have eight or nine races a year, so it's nothing like as intense as F1.”

 

Rachel smiled at how they were running on.

“Okay well as I've mentioned that's all something we can get to, but it sounds as though you've already given it quite a bit of thought.”

“We have,” assured Seb. “It feels like it's almost the only thing we've been talking about lately.”

“Not that we're obsessed,” smiled Mark.

Rachel smiled back and nodded.

“I'm sure it's been very much in your minds. Okay, well as I say we'll have plenty of time to go through things, but do you have more questions for me?”

 

Mark looked to Sebastian and they paused for a moment.

“Um, will it go against us that we travel for our work?” asked Seb.

“No, that's not what I meant to imply. Parents work, families travel, that in itself is of course totally expected. As long as we can be assured that the care for the child is prioritised.”

“Oh no it would be and if it's an issue Mark doesn't have to come with me.”

Rachel held up a hand to calm him.

“I'm sure we can settle all that without it necessarily being a problem. By the sounds of it you actually have more time at home than most working parents. Would your families be able to support you in that?”

Seb looked across to Mark.

“Um, well we haven't asked them anything specific yet, but I'm sure they would. Say if in a couple of years we're both racing and our race weekends clashed, then I know my mum would come over.”

“Do they live nearby?”

“Oh, um, no, they live in Germany, but we see quite a bit of each other.” Sebastian looked at her, thinking how odd it must seem. “I guess we're just used to hopping on and off flights. It's only a couple of hours.”

“I see.”

Sebastian was tempted to tell her about the plane they were looking to hire, but he wasn't sure if that would make them sound even more unlike normal families, so he left it.

“My mum had four kids and she loves looking after my sister's new baby,” Seb assured. “I'm sure she'd want to help us.”

“I'm sure,” agreed Rachel. “Well when we get to the stage where we ask for references from family they'll get the chance to say so.”

“Mm. The thing is I'm sure it looks like we lead a rather unusual lifestyle, but really we spend as much time as we can at home, doing just ordinary things like walking the dogs out in the countryside or spending time with our families.”

Rachel nodded reassuringly.

“We're not here to judge lifestyles. What we look at is your ability to offer a good home.” She opened up the document file they had brought and had a quick flick through the contents. “Perhaps you could tell me a little bit more about yourselves? I could read through these, but it's better in person in my experience.”

 

“Oh umm... I don't know where to start,” stumbled Seb. “Mark?”

“Yeah, um well we're married, but I guess you got that from the application or, I don't know if you knew already?”

Rachel merely nodded, so Mark carried on.

“Um so yeah, we've been married for what, four months now. Which might not sound very much, but it feels much longer. In a good way I mean.”

He glanced to Seb who picked it up, thinking that didn't really tell her the real story.

“We lived together before then though, for, well I guess it's nearly two and a half years on and off a bit.”

“Mostly on,” added Mark.

“Yeah mostly on,” Seb agreed, “seeing as I was there all the time anyway even when I wasn't officially living with Mark. And we used to be team-mates, so we've known each other for a long time.”

“How long?” asked Rachel.

“Um.”

Mark puffed a breath and the two of them looked at one another, both trying to work it out.

“We were team-mates for... five years,” stated Seb.

“Was it five?” wondered Mark, trying to add it all up.

“Yeah 2009.”

“Oh okay,” Mark agreed, “so yeah, and then before that another couple of years when we were both racing in F1, but not in the same team.”

“So that's almost ten years you've known each other,” noted Rachel.

“Yeah I guess it is isn't it?”

 

Sebastian opened his mouth, then closed it, then risked saying what was on his mind.

“The thing is I don't know if you might have ever seen anything in the media about us, but it's mostly rubbish.”

Rachel shook her head.

“Don't worry about that. We'll form our own opinions. Working in this profession I can tell you we develop a health scepticism about the reliability of media reports.”

“Oh, thanks. Sorry I know that might sound, I don't know...”

“It's fine. I'm not coming in with any preconceptions.”

“Okay. Yeah so I don't know that there's really a lot else to tell you. We mostly work or are at home. We see our friends a bit, or like I said, visit family or they come to us. We don't really go out much other than for meals, mostly when we're away. When we're home we just like being home.”

“I'm sure when you travel for work you must appreciate it more,” she suggested.

“Yeah I guess that's it,” Seb agreed. He turned to Mark. “I can't think what else to say.”

Mark huffed a laugh and shrugged.

“We're pretty boring homebodies to be honest. We like our own company.”

“That's fine. This isn't an interrogation. I've no doubt we'll see a fair bit of one another as part of this. Assuming today hasn't put you off?”

Mark and Seb exchanged a quick glance between themselves, then looked back at her.

“No we're still sure,” Mark confirmed.

“Good. Okay well if you'll excuse me a moment I'll need to scan these documents to add to your file and we can get you really started.”

“We have a file already?” let out Seb.

Rachel smiled.

“You do. A pretty thin one right now, but it'll grow believe me.”

 

She got up, taking the file with her and left the room. As soon as she was gone, Mark sat back and Sebastian let out a long breath before turning to him.

“Oh my god am I babbling?” worried Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh and reached over to rub his arm.

“Don't worry about it darling. She seems pretty friendly.”

“Yeah but she must be judging us.”

“Well maybe, but she seems okay to me.”

“She does. I just wonder what's really coming up. I can't believe we have to do a medical.”

“Not do a medical. Just be passed by a doctor. Besides we're pretty fit. It's not like we won't pass,” Mark assured.

Sebastian squished his face.

“You don't think they'll be worried about things with me from the accident?”

“You're fine now.”

“Mm.”

“Seb you've not had even a headache in months. You're cleared to drive. It's fine.”

“Yeah I guess. Do you think she has read things in the papers about us?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. Probably she's seen some stuff. Some of it was pretty hard to avoid.”

“I suppose. She hasn't asked anything about me seeing a psychiatrist.”

“No well it's only a preliminary meeting. Don't worry about that now.”

“She keeps saying 'child' too. Do you think we need to say that we'd prefer a baby?”

Mark shook his head.

“No let's leave it. There's plenty of time for that. Like she said, we don't even really get into that sort of thing until we're actually approved.”

“Yeah I guess. I suppose we just need to make ourselves look like a good option.”

Mark leaned further over in his chair towards Seb.

“Sweetheart we _are_ a good option. We don't have to make ourselves look anything that we aren't already.”

 

The door reopened and the two of them sat back up as she came back through, passing Mark the copied file.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Did we have everything you needed?”

“Yes more than plenty. We will need more things going forwards, but this is a good start.”

“Okay.”

She walked back around the desk and picked up a plastic wallet that she offered over.

“This has all the leaflets I mentioned for you to go through, then when we meet next you can think of more questions you may have.”

“Sure.”

“Oh and you each need to sign this to apply for your DBS certificates.”

“Sorry, what are those did you say?” asked Mark.

“Official checks to ensure there is nothing on record to disbar you from contact with children.”

“Oh. Oh I see, yeah sure, there's nothing to find. We don't even have any parking tickets.”

“Of course, it's just a procedure. I'm afraid you'll have to get used to this sort of thing.”

“Sure.”

Mark took his form and passed the other to Seb so they could each sign it, then pass it back over.

“Thank you. It's just standard.”

“Is there anything else you need to know right now?” asked Sebastian.

“Not right now. It's probably best to take some time to go over things and let yourselves have a think.”

“Right.”

Sebastian nodded and smiled, but he couldn't help thinking of the restraining order that still existed against Heikki. That wouldn't come up on a check like this surely? It was bound to come out though. He was going to have to tell her, but not yet. If they could just give a good first impression and get things started well, then surely that would be better and he could explain later. Nothing had happened in six months now, not a hint of trouble since, as Mark put it, Heikki had scuttled away to crawl back under his rock. Maybe he was gone or good now? Surely he had to be? Seb wondered whether the fact he and Mark were married had finally told Heikki to give up and leave him alone. He hoped so.

Mark saw a far-away look in Seb's eyes and gave him a tiny flick of his eyebrows to see if he was okay, so Sebastian fixed a smile back on his face as he returned to concentrating on what she was saying.

 

“One aspect you may wish to start looking into is who you would like to be references apart from your families. It is mentioned in one of the leaflets, but generally speaking we require at least two, one can be of a professional nature, perhaps someone you know through your work, although it is preferable if they know both of you.”

Mark nodded and looked to Sebastian.

“Well seeing as we used to work together I think we can manage that.”

“Of course, yes that ought to make it easier, although as I say if you read through the leaflet it will give other suggestions. Then personal references which can be from friends so long as they have known you for a sufficient period of time.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian sat forwards a fraction.

“We were thinking about that and I wanted to ask; would it be strange if we asked our housekeeper?”

“Your housekeeper?”

“Yeah Pauline, she isn't really just our housekeeper, she's, well, she helps out with lots of things, not just cleaning and stuff, but she walks the dogs and she takes care of things when we're away, she's around a lot and she's more like a friend really.”

“I see, well yes if you've known her a long time and you feel you have a good relationship with her.”

“Well I've known her since I first moved in with Mark two and a half years ago, and Mark, um, how long have you known Pauline?”

Mark puffed a breath and sat up a little.

“God, ever since I bought the house, must be nearly ten years. She's definitely more than a housekeeper,” he agreed, then smiled, “she's more like an extra mum to be honest, she's always there for us.”

“Well then she sounds perfect. Have a read of the leaflets anyway and then perhaps you can start speaking to the people you have in mind, then when we next meet we can review that.”

“Okay sure.”

“Are you able to sort out about when we next meet now?”

 

Mark and Seb glanced at each other then both nodded. Sebastian asked Mark for his bag and delved in it to find his diary which he had thought to put in and they ran through a few options to find when they would all be available.

“Is two weeks too soon?” she asked.

“No that's fine isn't it Mark?”

“Yeah I'm sure we'll have had chance to speak to folk by then.”

“Okay then. So well that's about it for now.”

 

As Mark and Sebastian walked through the car park Mark gave Seb's hand a squeeze and smiled over.

“That wasn't so bad was it?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. She's nice. I'm glad we got it over with.”

Mark laughed.

“Over with? I think we just had the first of many.”

“No I know,” argued Seb. “Just taking the first step, getting that done I meant, rather than leaving it hanging while we're away.”

“Ah, yeah course. Well now we can just concentrate on the weekend can't we?”

Sebastian nodded and leaned a little into him.

“I'm so glad you're coming.”

“Me too sweetheart.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I need a bit of decent sunshine.”

“Mark!”

Seb let got of him and batted at Mark's arm as he laughed.

“I'm kidding!” Mark defended.

Sebastian pretended to glare at him, but he knew Mark was teasing him to lighten the mood after the worry they'd bother felt going into the meeting this morning when it felt so important to their future. Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“I'm just glad we'll be together darling. Yeah?”

“Yeah me too,” agreed Seb. “And I wouldn't mind a bit of sunshine either.”

“Good.”

Mark put his arm around him and they walked across to the far part of the council car-park where they'd found a spot, to find their car and head home. Neither of them noticed their case-worker stood at her office window two floors up, watching them as they left.

  


  


  


  


While they were out in Spain for Sebastian's next grand prix the two of them spent some time talking about who they could ask to be their references. The most obvious candidate for their professional level reference was of course Christian, but that meant disclosing their plans to him. They still hadn't spoken to Pauline yet either seeing as they wanted to decide if they were going to ask her to be another referee. On the Saturday night they sat around in their hotel room eating room service while they discussed the matter.

“I just can't think who else to ask,” admitted Seb.

“Mm, one who knows both of us. I did wonder about Dietrich,” Mark suggested.

“Really?”

“Well yeah, he's known both of us a long time.”

“I dunno though Liebling, I think Christian knows us better. I'm not sure what Dietrich would think of the whole thing.”

Mark frowned.

“Do you think he'd disapprove? He's always been pretty supportive hasn't he?”

“Yeah but I just worry what he would think in terms of me. Whether it would be a distraction.”

“Oh I see.”

“I know I really might have the same issue with Christian, but he sort of seen us outside of work more. Plus I think we could trust him to keep it to himself.”

“Yeah I think you're right about that. Okay, so Christian then.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Do you think I should try to talk to him about it?”

“Mm, should be both of us shouldn't it?”

“Okay. Well what about if I talk to him about talking to him?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“That won't sound cryptic at all.”

“Well I don't know what else to suggest.”

“It might be easier to do it outside of work,” suggested Mark.

“Invite him over you mean?”

“Yeah. We could have him round for lunch or just a coffee.”

“Mm, that might make it easier to talk,” concurred Seb. “I think I'd feel a bit weird about discussing it in work. Okay yeah. I think I'll leave it until after the race though.”

“Sure. Maybe next weekend?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“An actual weekend at home. I can't believe it.”

“Well we don't have to do it at the weekend. It's only Wednesday and Thursday we're booked in to go plane shopping.”

“We're not plane shopping,” protested Seb.

“Well we are really. Anyway, my point was we're fairly free. Why don't you just ask him when he's available?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Do you want me to ask with you?”

Seb shrugged.

“Dunno. Maybe I'll just see if I get a moment when we're on our own. Try to keep it casual.”

“Sure.”

“But if I've not done it by the end of tomorrow you might have to give me a hand.”

“A hand?”

“Just if I'm not finding a way to ask him over. I'd like to go home knowing we've got it arranged.”

“Ah right. Sure. No worries darling. This time tomorrow we'll have it sorted. We can talk to Pauline in the week when we finally have some free time and chat to our families a bit more about what they can do and then we'll be well on our way by the next meeting.”

 

Sebastian sat back on the sofa in their hotel room where they were sitting and let out a pleased sigh.

“Alright?” smiled Mark, reading his tone.

“Yep, good. It feels better to get on with things doesn't it?”

“Yeah it does. I think Rachel will be pretty impressed with us if we've got all that gone through.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Will we get a gold star?”

“Yeah one each.”

Sebastian leaned into Mark who slipped his arm him.

“Right then,” decided Mark. “No more serious stuff. Shall we watch a film and have an early night?”

“Sounds perfect Liebling.”

  


  


  


On Sunday night Sebastian sat with the team running through the usual race debrief, but as the engineers finished up sharing their conclusions, his mind was already elsewhere. He waited while everyone started to leave and hung around, trying to look casual as he watched to see if Christian might be the last to go so he could grab a quiet word with him. Seb took his time pretending to shuffle a few papers as he stood, then the moment everyone else had filtered out, Sebastian went over.

“Um, Christian.”

Christian looked up from an email that had just come through.

“Hm? Oh, yes Sebi?”

“Um yeah, so I wanted to say, well Mark and I, we were wondering if perhaps you might be free some time when you're home this coming week?”

“Free time?” echoed Christian, wondering if he ever had anything like such a strange concept in his life.

“Yeah we just wondered if perhaps you might like to pop round?”

“To the house?”

“Yeah.”

Christian frowned slightly, still wondering what this was about.

“Are you wanting to show me your new pool?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Oh well if you like, but we just wanted a chat away from work. I don't know if you've got the time for lunch, or just a coffee. You don't have to stay long if you're busy.”

“Um, I'm sure I could make time,” Christian assured, thinking it wasn't far to go at least. He leaned in a little closer to look at his driver. “You're not worrying about anything are you?”

Seb gave a slight shake of his head.

“We just wanted a chat away from work.”

“So it's not about work?”

“No, nothing to do with that.”

Sebastian paused, awkwardly wondering whether he ought to make it clear what they ought to discuss, so Christian made a guess.

“You're feeling alright aren't you?”

“Yeah no, sorry Christian it's a personal thing. We'd just rather discuss it out of work, but really only if you've got time. I know you're busy.”

“Sure, um, hang on a sec.”

Christian pressed a couple of buttons on his computer to pull up his diary and scrolled through it.

“This week?” he checked.

“Only if you can fit it in.”

“Mm.” Christian considered for a moment, mentally rearranging a couple of less urgent matters. “Um, okay sure. I could pop over on Friday afternoon if that would suit?”

“That'd be great. Really we appreciate it,” thanked Sebastian.

 

Christian nodded, still wondering what it could be about. Sebastian seemed okay, though he was always in a better mood on race weekends when Mark was with him, but there had to be something there. Clearly it was a matter Seb didn't want bringing into work. He couldn't help thinking of the last time he had been to the house and without really meaning to, his mind delved around, trying to think what could be relating to that.

Sebastian was about to thank his boss and arrange an exact time for his visit when Christian took a step closer to him, his voice a little lower.

“Seb, is there anything... I mean, it's not related to last time I was over is it?”

Sebastian frowned, not connecting things as his boss was.

“Sorry?”

“You've not had any more trouble have you?”

“Trouble?”

“Or concerns, you know what happened, with Heikki?”

“Oh.” Sebastian was totally taken aback and it took a moment for him to gather himself. “Oh, no.”

“Right, good. I'm glad to hear it.”

“You've not heard anything have you?” asked Seb, suddenly wondering if that was why Christian was mentioning it.

“No no, I just, sorry I suppose it was coming to the house that made me think.”

“Oh, okay. Yeah no it's just a personal thing, with me and Mark. It's just something we'd rather keep confidential for now.”

“Of course, sorry I didn't mean to bring it up,” apologised Christian.

“So Friday then?”

“Yes of course. Shall we say half two?”

“That's great, yeah.”

“You can show me round your new extension. I'm sure it's very impressive.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah, I mean it's what we wanted, you know so we're really got everything we want at home now, well almost everything.”

Christian wondered at that last addition, but Seb had stepped away, getting ready to leave. Then he paused, taking a breath before speaking.

“Um, Christian, you really haven't come across anything to do with Heikki, or I don't know, heard anything?”

His boss shook his head.

“No, sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I didn't mean to make you worry.”

“Sometimes I do wonder...” admitted Sebastian, “I dunno. It's been six months now. I guess I hope it's all just done with now.”

“I'm sure it is Sebi.”

“Yeah.” Seb squished his face. “We'd hear if there was anything wouldn't we?”

“I've not heard anything Seb, don't be worrying about that.”

“No. I don't want to let him get to me anymore. I try not to let him into my mind at all these days, but... Do you think it's strange that after everything, he just went quiet?”

“Seb...”

“I know it makes me sound paranoid.”

“No Sebi, I'm sure he just finally realised he was wasting his time.”

“Yeah.”

 

Christian nodded, but he felt as though he was the one to have made Sebastian worry about this matter. He shouldn't have brought it up. Damn it. Seb had seemed in such a positive place lately and now Christian was sure he would go away fretting about it.

“Listen, I'm sure there's nothing to concern you, but if you want I could make a few discreet enquiries,” Christian offered.

“He said he'd lost his job, when he was... I mean I just wonder what he's doing now. Not that I try to think of him at all, but...” Seb shrugged. “I suppose it would be better to know if he's moved on, then I could really forget him, put all that behind us for good.”

“Yes of course. Leave it with me. Don't let it bother you Seb.”

“No I don't want it to. Mark and I, we're really looking to the future now. That's what we want to talk to you about.”

“Right, okay.” Christian was intrigued by that oblique comment, but he'd blundered enough already so he left it. “Okay, well I'll see you both on Friday then.”

“Yeah, Friday.”

Sebastian smiled and gave his boss a nod then turned and left.

  


 

When he got back to his room at the motor-home Seb sat on the bed with Mark for a moment before changing out of his team gear to go home. Mark could tell there was something.

“Did you get to talk to Christian?” he enquired.

“Yeah he'll come over for coffee on Friday afternoon. That's okay isn't it?”

“It's fine. So it was alright?”

“Hm? Yeah I just said we wanted a chat about something personal.”

“Okay, so what is it?”

Seb gave Mark a half-smile, knowing how he read him.

“It's fine, it's just he mentioned about Heikki.”

“About Heikki? Why, what is it?”

Seb put a calming hand on his arm.

“No Liebling it's nothing, it's fine. I think I just confused him by saying it was a personal matter and asking him over to the house. He, I don't know, I think he must be so used to it being about that or some other drama, he leapt to conclusions.”

“Oh I see. So there isn't anything?”

“No there's nothing. Although...”

“Although what?”

“I don't know, sometimes I wonder if he's really just gone away.”

“Heikki?”

“Yeah.”

“Sweetheart he's gone. He tried everything his puny brain could think of and none of it worked. And the police probably put the fear of god into him. There's nothing to worry about.”

Sebastian nodded and took a deep breath.

“Yeah. I did think though with the adoption, what they're going to think about that.”

“About what?”

“All the trouble we've had.”

“Darling it's over with. It's in the past.”

“Yeah but we still have the restraining order.”

“Well that's for the best, but I really don't think we need to worry. If they ask we can tell them it's dealt with and gone.”

“Okay. Just... Christian offered to make a few enquiries, just to see.”

“See what?”

Seb shrugged.

“Just what he's doing now. If he's moved on.” He turned more to Mark. “That would be better wouldn't it?”

“Sweetheart you don't need to be wasting any of your energy thinking of all that.”

“It'd just be better to know we can draw a line,” suggested Seb. “So if Christian could find out... I'd just feel better for it.”

Mark sighed and put his arm around Sebastian.

“Okay. If it puts your mind at rest.”

Sebastian sighed and leaned into him.

“You've not been worrying about this have you?” Mark asked.

Seb gave a little shrug.

“No not really, just I guess with our application that's all. I don't want anything from my past to mess things up.”

“It won't.”

“I just want to leave it all behind Liebling.”

“It's gone now darling, all gone. We're looking forwards now, making our own future.”

Sebastian turned a little more to fit his arms around Mark's middle and they squeezed each other in tight, Seb resting his head on Mark's shoulder as they took a moment. After a minute or two Mark turned to kiss Sebastian's forehead.

“Come on sweetheart, let's sort ourselves and go home yeah?”

Seb sat himself up and nodded.

“Be nice if we don't have to sit around at an airport next time around.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“God yeah.”

 

Sebastian smiled, preferring to think of that. He gave Mark a quick kiss then stood to change, shoving his team kit away in his bag, glad to make the break with work and wear his normal jeans and t-shirt.

“Okay, we're good.”

“Great.”

They gathered up their belongings and headed out, saying goodbye to Britta before leaving. As they walked along the now quiet paddock Mark gave Sebastian a smile.

“We'll have a nice week, yeah? Bit of time to ourselves.”

“And some plane shopping.”

“Ha, yeah, like most normal folk do with a few days off.”

Sebastian smiled back to him. Maybe it wasn't a normal activity, but if it gave them a fraction more time to actually do their normal activities at home then it would be worth it.

  


  


  


  


Mark and Sebastian spent the first couple of days at home readjusting as they usually did; training and making the most of the countryside around them and their new facilities at home. Mid-morning on the Wednesday they sat in the coffee shop, taking their break from their run, chatting about everything and nothing as usual. Seb put his cup down and looked over at Mark.

“You know we still need to talk to Pauline.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, okay well we can do that tomorrow can't we? We can do this a bit earlier and be back in time to catch her finishing up.”

“Sure.”

“Do you just want to have a general chat or do you think we should pile in and ask her about the reference too?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian puffed a breath and shrugged.

“I dunno Liebling, maybe we should just play it by ear.”

Mark reached over to put his hand over Seb's.

“Sweetheart I'm pretty sure she'll be all for it.”

“Yeah. It's not too much to ask her to do the reference is it though?”

“Why would it be too much?”

“I don't know. She might think it strange us asking.”

Mark smiled.

“I'm sure she'll be fine. Our families all seem okay with it.”

“Yeah I guess. It is a favour though,” Seb noted.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I bet you this coffee she doesn't see it that way.”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Just a coffee?”

Mark shrugged.

“Fine, something bigger then. I bet you a plane.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“A plane?”

“Yep, we're gonna see some later so I can see which I fancy.”

“We're only looking to hire, not buy.”

“Fine, a hired plane,” Mark agreed.

Seb rolled his eyes, but he hoped Mark was right. So far everyone close to them had been pretty much one hundred percent backing them. He didn't really imagine Pauline would react any differently, although Seb did wonder what his boss might think. They just had to risk it though. This whole process was a risk. They were putting themselves out on a limb to be judged, to risk their hearts and their hopes with no promise of reward. There were no guarantees, but then the only result with a one hundred percent guaranteed result was not to take the risk at all.

  


  


  


They spent the afternoon on the very strange task of (as Mark put it) 'plane shopping' or more accurately; 'plane hiring'. They drove around to a couple of small airfields within a reasonable radius, meeting people from small charter flight companies and getting to poke around the actual planes themselves. As they climbed aboard one of them later in the afternoon Mark and Sebastian stood listening to the sales spiel as they were introduced to the crew and the pair of them stood feeling pretty silly as they were asked to try out the seats. As they settled down Mark shot Sebastian a wink while no one was looking.

“All very comfy, right darling?”

“Yes, very nice,” agreed Sebastian politely.

They stood back up and looked about, checking all the facilities and sticking their heads through to the toilet at one end and the cockpit at the other. This was the third time they had done this and neither Seb nor Mark could really think what they were supposed to say other than; 'very nice'. All the planes were nice. They were private jets. That was rather the point.

 

As they drove home after their last tour, Mark glanced to Seb.

“So, what do you think?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I dunno, I guess the only thing I really care about is the seats being together.”

“Yeah me too. Oh and that the ceiling is high enough so I don't have to bend my neck when I visit the bathroom,” Mark added.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah okay. I think that last lot seemed friendly.”

“Mm, true. Other than that we just need them to be reliable and available when we want them. No point going with one who turns around and says they're busy.”

“Yeah. Okay well we might as well see those ones tomorrow afternoon and then we can decide.”

“Sure. Be nice to get it booked on Friday and we could be all set for the next month or so.”

“Yeah. It's gonna be a bit manic.”

“Well this ought to make a smidge easier, right?”

“Yeah.”

As they stopped at a traffic light Sebastian stretched over and gave Mark a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Thank you?”

“Yeah, for this.”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“Hey if my bet comes off tomorrow this could all be on you.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Sure.”

  


  


  


The next morning they returned from their earlier run so early that Pauline hadn't even arrived yet, so they showered and changed and were killing time making a fuss of the dogs when they heard the front door open. Pauline appeared in the kitchen doorway, smiling over as she saw them turned to see her.

“Ah you're in, hello boys.”

Mark smiled, thinking how Pauline tended to refer to him and Seb in the same way they did the dogs. He didn't think she was likely to ruffle his hair in the same way, but Seb maybe.

They stood and went over to greet her.

“Hey Pauline.”

“You two are looking perky.”

Mark laughed and automatically put his arm around Sebastian as they stood.

“Ah well we're just back from our run.”

“I see. So what are your plans for today then?”

“We're actually looking at planes this afternoon,” Seb explained.

“Planes?” frowned Pauline.

“Um, yeah. I know it probably seems excessive, but we've got such a crazy schedule coming up that we're looking to hire a plane to get around.”

“Oh I see.”

“It's not very us, but it just seems easier.”

Pauline nodded, thinking how she sometimes forgot the different life they led when they weren't home.

“Of course. That sounds very sensible. You boys are always rushing about. I don't know how you do it.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Us either. We looked at a few yesterday too so we're just going to see a few more today and then we can hopefully sort it all out.”

“You're off again next week aren't you?” checked Pauline with a glance over to the calendar.

“Yeah Monaco's up next, then I've got a test for Le Mans, then Canada for Seb, then back for Le Mans proper for me.”

Pauline shook her head.

“My goodness. You won't have time to stop.”

“You're okay for the dogs aren't you?” checked Seb.

“I've got it all in my diary dear don't worry,” assured Pauline. “I was just thinking of you.”

“Well we are at least taking it in turns.”

“Mm, still a lot.”

“Yes, hence the plane shopping,” noted Mark.

“Tsk, not plane shopping,” corrected Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“Hiring then. Anyway, that's our plan, our immediate plan that is.”

Mark glanced to Sebastian who realised what he was hinting at.

“Um, yeah, while you're here Pauline do you have a moment to talk?”

 

Pauline nodded, wondering what it could be this time. There always seemed to be something with these two.

“Everything's alright isn't it?” she checked.

“Yeah it's fine, just we wanted to talk to you about something and, yeah...”

“Do you want a cup of tea?” asked Mark.

“Well, yes if you like,” Pauline agreed, guessing that they wanted to have a sit down with her.

 

She waited while the two boiled the kettle and made them tea, diverting herself by giving the dogs a rub and setting down her things to make herself a home sitting at the kitchen table, taking the offered tea and looking at the pair who sat themselves down opposite her. Sebastian and Mark glanced at one another, each wondering where to start with this and who ought to speak. Sebastian took a sip of his tea and Mark smiled, guessing that was a hint that he should do it.

“Um, so yeah we wanted to talk to you about something else we're looking into getting sorted,” he began.

Pauline nodded politely, so Mark continued.

“To do with our lives going forwards that is and um, yeah okay I'd say this is confidential, but I know we don't have to ask you to keep something to yourself.”

“Of course you don't,” assured Pauline.

“No, good, yeah we know that, sorry.”

“Course we do,” added Sebastian.

“That's okay. What is it?” pushed Pauline.

 

Mark and Seb looked back to one another again, then Seb spoke.

“Okay so we just wanted to tell you that Mark and I have been talking about our future, well more than talking, we've made a decision. We want a family.”

Pauline's mouth opened slightly, but she didn't say anything, waiting to see what Sebastian said next.

“We want to adopt. We know it won't be easy, but we've made contact and started seeing about getting approved.”

“Oh my goodness.”

“As Seb says we've only just got started with it,” Mark explained, “and it's a long old process by all accounts, but we wanted to tell you.”

Pauline nodded, feeling slightly stunned.

“So what do you think?” prompted Seb.

Pauline looked back at him, feeling almost more surprised that they were so interested in her opinion than anything else.

“Well I, my goodness I hadn't thought of you doing that.”

“I know some people might not approve.”

“Approve? Who's business is it to approve?” replied Pauline, feeling suddenly defensive on their behalf.

Mark smiled at her tone.

“Well the adoption agency for a start.”

“Oh I see. Well I suppose.”

“You approve though don't you?” pressed Seb.

Pauline looked at him.

“Of course I do.”

“You sound surprised,” noted Mark. “I guess plenty of folk will be.”

Pauline shook her head.

“No, I... well just a little I suppose,” she confessed.

 

Although she didn't want to say it, Pauline was a little surprised, mostly because she had thought that they had only just got settled after all they had been through and Sebastian still needed looking after himself rather than taking on another responsibility. Then again, though she tended to think of him as being young, Pauline had been married with a baby herself at his age, so perhaps it wasn't so very different.

Pauline shook it off, seeing how they were watching for her reaction.

“That's wonderful though, of course it is. I just hadn't anticipated it.”

Mark huffed a laugh and took Sebastian's hand in his.

“No well neither had we really, but things change. We're married now and we want to make plans.”

“Of course you do. Well that's marvellous then, so you've applied?”

“Yep. Gonna take a while and they've got to dig into stuff a bit, so that's part of the reason we wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh I see. Will they want to know about me?”

“Um, they might. Sorry if that's an issue.”

“No, no issue.”

Sebastian glanced to Mark and decided to plough on.

“What we really wanted to ask was if maybe you would consider being a referee for us.”

“A referee?”

“Yeah like to give a statement to them to say you think we might make good parents,” clarified Mark.

“Of course you'd make good parents,” replied Pauline without hesitation.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Thanks.”

“So would you do it?” pressed Seb.

“Yes I'd be happy to.”

“Thank you.”

“You really want me?” she enquired. “Don't you want your families to do that?”

“Oh they get counted separately. We need quite a few, like professional and personal,” Mark explained, “and we thought you could be a personal one seeing as you're here all the time.”

“You're part of the household,” insisted Seb.

Pauline smiled at him.

“That's very sweet of you dear, but don't you need somebody more important?”

“You're important. You see us at home and you know what we're really like, what it might be like if we had a family.”

 

Pauline raised a hand to her mouth, feeling almost overcome. At first she had found the idea a surprise, but now she was already imagining what they might be like as a family. This lovely couple, so affectionate and kind, how happy they seemed at home together.

“I think you would make a wonderful family,” decided Pauline firmly.

“Well we've got this big old house going to waste,” noted Mark.

Sebastian turned to him and gave Mark a look.

“It's not about the house.”

“No I know, but it can't hurt.”

“Well you've certainly got plenty of room,” Pauline agreed, then smiled and shook her head. “I can just picture you now with a baby here. It is a baby you want?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah that's what we want.”

“Well I think you would make marvellous parents. You're so kind to think of giving a poor child a home.”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“I suspect we're being rather more selfish than that.”

“We do want to give a child a home though,” interceded Seb. “But it's for us too. We want a family.”

“Well anything I can do to help,” Pauline offered.

“Reckon you could say a few nice things about us then?” smiled Mark.

“I'll say anything you want me to dear.”

“I think they just want your honest opinion,” Seb noted.

“Then my honest opinion is that you would make a wonderful family and any child would be lucky to have you as parents. I'm sure you have a lot of love to give.”

Seb thought he might tear up at that. He looked over at her thinking how kind Pauline was whilst she in turn thought how sweet they were as a couple. This house was full of love. Why shouldn't they share that with a child who needed a good home and caring parents? Perhaps Seb was right, no doubt there might be some who questioned it, but Pauline was sure that they would prove them wrong.

“Thanks.”

Pauline looked over to Mark and nodded.

“You put me down as your reference, that's absolutely fine.”

Mark smiled and moved to put his arm around Seb.

“That's great. They're probably going to want to come and look around the place at some point too.”

“Okay, just let me know.”

“It's a written reference though.”

“Oh I see, well whatever you need.”

 

Sebastian smiled over at her, then got up and went round to give her a hug, making Pauline laugh as she got up to accept a hug from Mark as well.

“You boys certainly know how to surprise.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Actually that's what we were trying to avoid. We didn't want you to come round hoovering one day and find a baby randomly here.”

Pauline laughed, but Sebastian shook his head.

“It's still going to take a long time. We just wanted to tell you.”

“I'm glad you did.”

“And thank you so much for agreeing to be a referee.”

“I am honoured to be asked. Just let me know what I need to do.”

“We give your name in and they'll be in touch,” explained Mark. “I think they send you a leaflet to say what's needed.”

“And we can discuss it,” added Seb.

“Of course. Do you have more references to get then?” ask ed Pauline.

“Ah well we're having Christian over tomorrow,” noted Mark. “That's Seb's boss and my old one.”

“I see. And your families?”

“We've already talked to them, they're onside.”

“Of course they are,” Pauline concurred. “I'm sure they're thrilled.”

“Yeah.”

Pauline hugged each of them again.

“Oh this really is marvellous news. I can't wait.”

Mark gave her a grin.

“You volunteering to babysit?”

Seb tsk'd and shook his head.

“We're not asking anything like that.”

Pauline looked at him.

“Well I hope you are. I'd love to babysit.” She sighed, thinking how remote the prospect of any grandchildren seemed, then smiled back at the pair. “I'm hoping if I'm a referee that means I get special privileges.”

“Special privileges?”

“I can't even remember the last time I got to hold a baby,” Pauline admitted. “There's nothing quite like it.”

“Well hopefully you'll have the chance here in the fullness of time,” Mark assured.

Pauline nodded and looked to Seb, seeing how pleased he seemed. She gave his arm a little rub, then smiled at the pair of them.

“You both deserve to be very happy. I'll only be pleased to be a small part of that.”

“A very important part,” insisted Mark.

“Well thank you.”

“It might all be a long way off,” reminded Seb.

“It'll happen,” stated Pauline solidly. “Ah, oh dear, how am I meant to concentrate on the hoovering now?”

Mark smiled.

“You can skip it if you like. I think we're asking enough of you today.”

“Nonsense. I'm still your housekeeper. Besides if we're going to have official people poking their nose around here we'd better make sure we keep the house spick and span hadn't we?”

“I'm pretty sure they'll give us warning.”

“Well anyway. I want to keep things nice.”

“Okay thanks, well maybe we'll take these guys out so you can get on?” Mark looked to Seb. “Fancy taking the dogs for a walk sweetheart?”

“Sure.”

 

While Mark got the dog leads and Seb fetched their coats so they could get ready to go out, Pauline began tidying the kitchen, already thinking about what she ought to say for their reference and how this house would be when they had a family. She smiled thinking that there would be a deal more work for her to do trying to keep it clean and tidy.

“Pauline.”

She turned around to see Seb stood with his coat on while Mark was fixing the leads on the dogs over near the door. Pauline was about to ask what he needed when Seb came over and gave her another hug.

“You're our guardian angel,” he whispered.

Pauline hugged him back.

“Go on with you,” she smiled.

Seb smiled back, then went to join Mark to take the dogs out. As soon as she heard the front door shut Pauline turned around to look out of the window by the sink to stare into the garden. She sniffed and wiped away a tear, then distracted herself by thinking about which room would make a nice nursery.

 

As they walked down the lane Mark squeezed Seb's hand in his.

“Good call that.”

“Hm?”

“Asking Pauline.”

“Oh. Yeah I think so. She seems keen.”

Mark huffed a laugh and turned to give Sebastian a kiss on the cheek.

“I think we can be sure we're going to get a pretty nice reference darling.”

They walked a little further, then as they reached the fields and set off along the footpaths, the dogs freed to run ahead of them, Mark started laughing.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“You owe me one plane.”

“Oh. Yeah okay fine.”

Mark put his arm around him.

“I was kidding.”

“I don't mind paying.”

“Behave. It was a joke. We're both flying to both our races. We're both paying.”

Sebastian was tempted to argue back that he probably had more money than Mark, but he didn't want to think of them in that way. It was all theirs now anyway.

“Joint account?”

“Yeah.” Mark laughed again. “I think we'd better warn the bank before they have a minor heart-failure.”

Seb smiled and looked up at him as they walked along.

“Supermarket shop, gas bill, phone bill, plane. Yeah I guess that might draw some attention.”

“Just an ordinary day for us,” smiled Mark.

“Actually I suspect our phone bill is more.”

Mark laughed and gave him a squeeze.

“You're probably right.”

  


  


  


The next day they sat in the kitchen, finishing up making their arrangements by emailing the dates booking the private plane they had chosen to use for the next few upcoming weekends.

“I guess we should mention this to Christian too,” noted Seb.

“Yeah.”

“Do you think logistics will be annoyed with me?”

“Annoyed with you?”

“Well they'll have booked the flights.”

Mark shook his head.

“Nah, don't worry about it. All in a day's work for them I'm sure.”

“I suppose they can get refunds.”

“It'll be fine.”

“I suppose I should email them the details when we get confirmation through.”

“Sure.”

“Okay.” Sebastian nodded, glad to know it was almost all settled. As usual their 'week off' seemed to have involved quite a lot of them rushing around busily sorting things out.

  


There was a knock on the door and Seb jumped slightly as the dogs barked, making Mark smile.

“Early,” he noted with a glance up to the clock on the wall.

“Yeah.”

Mark flipped the laptop shut and smiled.

“Probably dying to get out of the office for once.”

Seb nodded and they both stood up to go through into the hall, pushing the dogs back into the kitchen so they didn't overwhelm their visitor. Mark swung open the door to find Christian waiting as expected on the front step.

“Hey Christian.”

“Hi Mark, Seb.”

“Hi. Thanks for coming,” greeted Sebastian, both he and Mark standing back to allow him in.

They showed him through to the kitchen, chit-chatting about nothing in particular as they went through.

 

“So then,” smiled Mark. “Coffee?”

“Oh, yes thanks,” replied Christian, still wondering what it was that had brought him here. The pair of them seemed in a good mood, so it couldn't be anything too bad, which made a nice change.

Mark filled the kettle and switched it on, then looked to the laptop on the kitchen table.

“I'd better stick that away, sorry, one sec.”

He picked it up and went off to his office leaving Sebastian and Christian alone. The dogs were sniffing at the visitor and Seb pulled them away, reminding them they ought to know him well enough.

“So you're alright then?” checked Christian.

“Yeah good thanks.”

“Still coming in on Monday?”

“Yep I'll be there,” Seb agreed, thinking how the Monaco prep meeting and session on the sim would feel like a return to work.

“Good.”

“How've things been at the factory this week?” Seb enquired politely.

“Oh you know, non-stop as usual. We should be all set though.”

“Righto.”

Sebastian looked over to see Mark reappear just as the kettle boiled.

“Coffee then,” offered Mark. “Or shall we show you our new pool.”

Christian smiled.

“Ah I think I'd be interested to see that.”

“Great, come through then.”

 

Mark led the way, then let Sebastian take over as he showed his boss around their new extension, Christian making appreciative comments about how impressed he was.

“I'm sure it'll help you with your training,” Christian noted.

“Yeah it's great. I swim almost every day.”

“More than once if it's raining,” added Mark.

“Yeah. I love it.”

“Good. Very glad to hear it.”

“Just for fun sometimes, but Antti has some training routines worked out for me too.”

“I'm sure he does Sebi. Are you going to see him on Monday?”

“Yep, in the afternoon.”

“Good stuff.”

Christian smiled, thinking it would be easier if Sebastian's trainer came here to work with him, but apparently that wasn't part of the arrangement. He suspected Seb and perhaps even more so, Mark, preferred to keep it that way. This house was their little sanctuary from the world. He glanced around the pool once more thinking it was a very nice sanctuary. As Seb led them back into the main part of the house Christian laughed.

“Private pool and gym, quite like proper F1 drivers.”

Mark rested a friendly hand on his arm.

“Only one of us is an F1 driver these days.”

“Ah true. I do forget sometimes,” Christian confessed. “Well anyway, racing drivers, living the lifestyle.”

 

Seb and Mark glanced at one another thinking how that was and wasn't true with their latest plans. Christian frowned as he saw the glance.

“Have I said the wrong thing?” he asked.

“No no,” Mark assured. He went through into the kitchen, pushing the dogs out of the way so he could sort out drinks. “You said coffee?”

“Oh, yes please. Black, one sugar if that's okay?”

“No problem.” Mark looked to Seb who was absently giving the dogs a stroke. “Do you want coffee or tea sweetheart?”

“Coffee please Liebling.”

“Righto.”

Mark made the drinks and handed the mugs over.

“Shall we go through to the lounge?” suggested Seb.

“Sure.”

 

They walked through, Christian naturally taking a seat over to the side while the other two took their habitual positions on the sofa. He found his eyes drawn to the framed photographs on the hearth; a pair in joined frames that he assumed must be from the wedding, a couple that looked as though they were taken somewhere sunny and another with them in faintly ridiculous woolly hats that Christian guessed might be from their honeymoon. Over to the far side he even spotted one with the two of them sat somewhere holding what he presumed was Sebastian's new niece. All fairly ordinary casual family photos that you might see in any home, but it still took some getting used to for him to see them here.

“It's funny you should say that actually,” noted Mark.

“Hm?”

Christian looked over to him, drawn back from his musings.

“About the racing driver lifestyle.”

“Oh?”

Mark looked to Seb who decided he would start with the easier thing to mention.

“Um, yeah actually Mark and I have been doing a bit of sorting out this week.”

“Oh yes?”

“Yeah because the next month or so is going to be pretty crazy with us both racing.”

“Uh huh.”

“Yeah so we've actually been arranging hiring a plane to get about.”

Christian looked over at the two of them.

“Oh? That's not like you.”

“No well we decided it just made sense. We spend half our lives at airports and as I said, the next month is kind of mad, so we decided to make life a little easier.”

“Ah I see, well of course that makes sense.”

“We're just finalising arrangements and then I'll let logistics know,” Seb assured.

“Right, well that's fine.”

“I know that'll mean them cancelling some flights, so I'll apologise to them for the inconvenience.”

Christian smiled and shook his head.

“I'm sure it'll be fine Sebi. Whatever you can do to make life simpler seems a good idea.”

“It's just with having to dash back and forth to be with each other for our races.”

“Sure.” Christian looked at the two of them. “Was this why you asked me over?”

 

Mark huffed a laugh thinking he might not be too impressed if he had been dragged out of work only to be appraised of their travel arrangements. He smiled at Seb who shook his head.

“No, sorry I just thought while you're here we'd better mention it. I'll go and see them on Monday.”

“Sure. Okay.” Christian took a sip of his coffee then looked back over. “Forgive me for asking then, but what was the reason? Not that I'm not delighted to see your new pool, but I'm guessing it wasn't that?”

Sebastian and Mark smiled and Seb shook his head.

“No it wasn't that.”

 

He took a deep breath and slipped his hand into Mark's before braving going on.

“No, um, okay so Mark and I wanted to talk to you about something, a favour really seeing as you know us both.”

“Okay,” nodded Christian, still no wiser.

“Yeah we hope okay to do it for both of us, as a friend really,” noted Mark, “though obviously it should help you were my boss too.”

Christian frowned, wondering what that meant. He was about to ask, when Sebastian went on.

“Yeah that's why we wanted to talk to you out of work because it's more as a friend we need the favour.”

“Um, sure, whatever I can do,” agreed Christian blankly.

“And we have to ask you to keep it out of work if you can,” pointed out Mark.

“Yeah, sorry Christian,” added Seb. “I know we do this too much, but we really need it to stay between us.”

Christian gave a little shrug and nodded. It was hardly the first time he had agreed to keep secrets for them.

“Sure, no problem. So what is it you need?” he asked.

 

Sebastian looked to Mark and squeezed his hand before diving in.

“Um, well as we say, it's a favour. We wanted to ask if you would agree to being a referee for us.”

“A referee?” frowned Christian.

“Mm, a personal one, although as a professional person if that makes sense.”

Christian was tempted to say it made no sense currently, but instead he nodded, hoping they would explain.

“Sure. What do you need it for?”

“Um, so this is confidential.”

“Of course it is,” assured Christian, trying to encourage Seb to say whatever it was they needed to tell him.

“Okay.” Sebastian looked to Mark again and squeezed his hand again to give himself confidence. “So, um, Mark and I have decided we want to adopt and we were wondering if you would agree to be a reference for us.”

“What?”

“You know, to say that we're okay people and that we could provide a good home.”

“To the adoption agency,” clarified Mark, seeing the confusion on Christian's face as he tried to keep up with their latest bombshell. “We need to get approval you see and part of the process is getting references.”

 

Christian nodded slowly, looking over at the pair sat on the sofa, their hands linked and their faces hopeful. It felt as though every other time he had been here it had been because of one disaster or another, but now they looked _hopeful_ , on the verge of happiness and Christian felt as though that happiness lay in his hands.

“Of course.”

“You'll do it?” asked Seb.

Christian let out a little laugh.

“Of course I'll do it,” he smiled.

Sebastian smiled back and then at Mark. They both sat forwards a little.

“I know this will probably come as a bit of a surprise to you,” noted Mark.

Christian laughed again and shook his head.

“Honestly, I think I've given up being surprised by you two.”

“So what do you think?” asked Seb.

Christian puffed a long breath.

“Well are you asking me as a friend?”

Seb and Mark looked to one another, then Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Do we get a different answer?”

Christian gave a little tip of his head.

“Ah I don't know. Let's put that to one side. As a friend I think that's great.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course.”

“And what do you think as my boss?” risked Seb.

 

Christian let out a little sigh. He didn't want to burst their bubble.

“I still think it's great. It's your business and your private life is your own, but...”

“Yes?”

“Well I do wonder how you're going to do it,” Christian admitted.

“Mark's going to take a year out.”

Christian's eyes widened and he looked to Mark.

“Really?”

“Yeah really mate, though that is strictly confidential too seeing as I haven't spoken to Porsche about that yet.”

“Wow.”

Mark gave him a half-smile.

“Managed to surprise you?”

Christian puffed out a breath and gave Mark a look.

“I have to be honest, yes. You'd take a year out from racing?”

“Yep. We're serious about this.”

“It sounds like it,” Christian agreed. “So you've worked out a plan then?”

“As best we can. We're really only just getting going with the whole process, but the more we can get arranged the better.”

“I see. Well, good then.”

“So you'll do it?” asked Seb.

“Be a reference? Certainly.”

“And you won't tell anyone in work?”

“Not if you don't want me to, although I imagine they'd find out eventually.”

“How?”

“Well when you turn up with a baby in the garage I expect someone would notice.”

Both Mark and Sebastian laughed at that.

“We weren't really thinking that far ahead,” commented Mark. “We really meant up until we get everything sorted.”

“Ah I see.”

“It's a long process,” explained Seb. “But you'd be helping us.”

“I'm happy to.”

“Really?”

“Yes of course. Seb I didn't mean to suggest I think it's not a good thing. I was just wondering how on earth you would do it with racing. I mean we all know how full-on it is.”

“Yeah we know it won't be easy.”

“But I guess if Mark's going to take some time out...”

“We still know it won't be easy,” emphasised Mark. “But it's what we want.”

“It is,” echoed Seb.

 

Christian nodded, thinking how certain they sounded. Why shouldn't they be happy after all that they had been through? It wasn't his place to come up with objections either as a friend or Seb's boss, and thinking selfishly, if Mark was the one to shoulder the responsibility of taking time out to be the prime carer, that did rather lessen the impact it might have on Seb as his driver.

“Well then I wish you luck.”

“Thanks,” replied first Seb and then Mark.

“You do manage to keep life interesting,” smiled Christian.

“It just always seems to be more complicated for us,” commented Seb.

“Yeah... Yeah I appreciate that.”

“We know we're making it even more complicated,” Mark noted.

“Ah well, no point worrying about that. If it's what you want, you'll find a way to make it work.”

“We will.”

Mark gave Seb's hand a squeeze.

“Well then whatever I can do to help.”

Sebastian smiled at his boss.

“Thank you and you won't say anything to anyone?”

“No of course not.”

“I mean we obviously realise that when we get it all sorted eventually we're going to have to work out what we do about it becoming public knowledge.”

“And the press,” noted Christian.

“Yes well we'd rather not worry about that for now,” interrupted Mark.

“Alright, well that's an issue for another time,” Christian agreed. “For now I shall just say congratulations.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I think we're a long way off that.”

Christian shrugged.

“I'm sure you're happy to have made this decision.”

“We are,” agreed Mark.

“So then, congratulations on that and I'm happy to help.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes really, thank you Christian,” confirmed Seb. “It means a lot.”

 

Mark sat forwards and offered out his hand which Christian shook, Seb doing the same after.

“I'm sorry I left it so vague when I asked you over,” apologised Seb. “I just didn't want to give any hint in work.”

“Of course,” agreed Christian. “Yes we all know what gossip is like. Have you mentioned it to anyone else at all?”

“No, just our families.”

“Okay, yes I suspect that's wise.”

“I mean I will have to talk to Porsche in the fullness of time,” noted Mark, “but really we want to leave that until we're in sight of actually getting it sorted out.”

“At least when we get approved,” agreed Seb.

“Sure. Well I can see that makes sense,” concurred Christian, “when you do get to that stage perhaps you might want to talk to Britta? I'm sure she could help with how you might want to deal with the publicity.”

“We really don't want any publicity.”

“That's rather what I meant.”

“Oh. Oh well yeah I will, but like Mark said, not till we're close to being really sorted. We don't know how long that will take.”

“It's likely months even to be approved,” reminded Mark.

“Yes well I appreciate the trust you are putting in me. You know I won't betray that,” Christian vowed.

“We do,” nodded Mark. “That's why we're asking you.”

“Yeah,” echoed Seb.

“Thank you.”

 

Christian hardly knew what to say after that so he remembered his coffee and took a sip of that, then smiled over.

“Exciting times then,” he noted.

“Yeah we're pretty excited about it,” agreed Mark. “Aren't we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. I mean at the moment it's just interviews and forms and waiting, so we're trying not to look too far ahead just yet.”

“Mm. Bureaucracy,” assessed Christian. “Well I'll do what I can to expedite things. Let me know what I need to do and I'll get on it.”

“Thanks. We'll pass on your details and they should be in touch.”

“I guess I'd better do it at home.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Is our paranoia catching?”

Christian laughed as well.

“Maybe. Keeps it simpler though.”

“Thank you. We know how busy you are.”

“Yeah, really Christian. It means a lot,” added Seb.

  


The main matter sorted they all relaxed and chatted a little more about the upcoming weekend. Mark and Sebastian explained that they were using the trip to Monaco as a test run for flying privately and Christian casually checked that Mark was going to be around all the time Seb was working.

Mark took a sip of his coffee and smiled at his former boss.

“Are you asking if I'll be at all the social events?”

“Well I do tend to presume where Seb is you are these days,” admitted Christian.

Sebastian looked over to Mark.

“You will be with me won't you?”

Mark put a hand on his arm.

“Of course I will darling. What Christian is wondering is if he gets a bonus driver on the promotion trail.”

“Ah now, Mark I'm not going to chain you to the floater-home.”

“Oh god,” sighed Mark. “He got to you too.”

Sebastian giggled to himself, knowing how that phrase wound Mark up.

“It's the best description,” he noted innocently.

“Well whatever we call it,” settled Christian. “I was chatting to Dietrich and he was interested to know if you would be around, that's all.”

 

Mark shook his head. It all seemed inevitable. He'd left F1 to escape all that and yet he had walked right back into it all to be with Seb.

“Yeah I'll be around. You just tell me who you want me to butter-up and I'll do my duty,” Mark accepted resignedly.

Christian smiled and shook his head.

“You don't have to have any official duties, but if I'm honest it doesn't hurt to have you around.”

Seb turned slightly to Mark on the sofa.

“People just like to talk to you Liebling.”

“Hm.”

“You don't have to do anything,” assured Christian. “We just like to have an idea for planning purpose.”

“Planning purposes?” repeated Mark suspiciously.

Christian held up a hand.

“Just the PR team. It's okay I'll tell them you're just there with Seb.”

Mark sighed and shrugged.

“I'll talk to people, just...”

“With Seb?” suggested Christian thinking that might be preferable.

“Sure. With Seb if possible.”

 

Sebastian smiled and him and Mark smiled back. There was no escaping it. He was hardly going to hole up in their hotel room waiting all day.

“Tell you what Christian, if we're doing double duty, what about you letting us do a runner on the Friday?”

“Both of us?” checked Sebastian.

“Yeah course both of us. Defeats the object otherwise,” Mark confirmed.

Christian nodded slowly, trying to think what was planned for the 'day off' in the peculiar Monaco race weekend.

“I'll have to check. Seb can you remember if you were down for anything official?”

“Nothing I'm aware of.”

“Right well I'll see what I can do,” agreed Christian.

Mark sent Sebastian a flick of his eyebrows making him smile at how he had wangled that.

  


After a while longer chatting, Christian eventually made his excuses and said he had to get back to the factory to finish up for the day and they showed him out. As they shut the front door Seb turned to Mark.

“What have you got in mind for Friday then?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. Lie in? Jenson might want to do something in the afternoon.”

“Ooh Jess mentioned about going round for dinner if we could get out of work,” remembered Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“There we go then, that'd be nice.”

Seb pushed up and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“My chief negotiator.”

“Ha, I was just whining about Christian trying to get some free labour out of me.”

“Happy coincidence then.”

“Yeah well, we should make the most of our time.”

 

Sebastian set back down, still smiling.

“Ah I'm all happy now.”

Mark huffed a laugh and wrapped his arms around him.

“Good. Just the way I like it.”

Sebastian fitted his arms around Mark and looked up to him.

“You know with it being Monaco the press are going to be going on about a year ago.”

“Oh yeah, that I've worked out,” Mark conceded.

“Mm.”

“Don't let them get to you darling.”

“Yeah okay. I guess we'll be doing everything we can to make it good.”

Mark nodded.

“Swish private flight out, nice hotel...”

“Being together.”

“Being together,” confirmed Mark. “And doing a runner on the Friday.”

“Seeing our friends.”

“Yep. Jenson's always threatening to show us his cycling routes up into the hills, so maybe we could do that.”

“We wouldn't have our bikes though.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Got our own plane, I bet we could fit them on.”

“You're kidding?”

“Well I reckon we could, but yes I'm kidding,” Mark admitted. “We'll ask Jense but I suspect he's got a stash of bikes tucked away.”

“Jess says their apartment is tiny,” noted Seb.

“He'll have found a basement or a cupboard, believe me.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“One bike addict to another.”

“We know our kind,” agreed Mark.

“Okay.”

“Okay then. Now, no more fussing until next week.”

“Urgh, all meetings and work.”

“Exactly. So this weekend I vote we do nothing but have fun,” suggested Mark.

“Oh? What kind of fun did you have in mind?” smiled Seb.

“Any kind you like darling.”

Sebastian pressed a little closer into him and sent Mark a tweak of his eyebrows.

“Is it the weekend now?”

Mark grinned.

“It is if you want it to be.”

“I think I want it to be.”

“Excellent. Game of scrabble then?”

Sebastian laughed and fitted his arms around Mark's neck, pulling himself up to kiss him. They definitely weren't going to play scrabble.

  


 

* * *

 


	134. Looking Fowards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I have a little two-parter for you which hopefully I can post around the weekend.

 

* * *

  
  


 

Sebastian woke on the Monday morning with the sinking feeling that at least half the country shared with him as they regretted the passing of the weekend and faced a long week ahead. He dragged himself out of bed and although Mark got up with him for breakfast, it was a wrench to leave him behind to head into Milton Keynes for a day filled with meetings. Prep meetings with the engineers and with Britta, a session on the sim and another with Antti putting him through his paces in the gym.

The one highlight of the day was really getting to have lunch with Dan who was sharing much the same day as him. Sebastian finally got around to inviting him over for their summer gathering and though his team-mate enjoyed teasing him about Seb trying to be a proper Aussie with them having a barbecue, Seb was pleased he accepted the invitation and getting to have a laugh over lunch did something to lighten his day.

  
  


By the end of the day Seb was back in Britta's office, discussing how they were going to handle the potential excesses of the media in Monaco. She looked over at him with a resigned smile.

“Seb I think we just have to accept that they're going to make a fuss about it being a year since, well you know...”

“Yeah.”

“There's no way of avoiding it.”

“I know,” sighed Seb. “Okay, but I don't want the whole weekend to be about that.”

“No, neither does the team. What about we try the pay-off?” proposed Britta. “You give a few one-on-ones on the condition it isn't about that.”

“They're bound to mention it.”

“Well mention it maybe, but it can't be the main topic. How's that?”

“Yeah okay,” accepted Sebastian.

“Alright well we could do that on the Friday.”

Sebastian sat up more.

“Oh but Friday?”

“Ah you did say,” remembered Britta.

“It's just we were going to having a day out.”

“A day out?”

Sebastian squished his face. It felt like skiving when she put it like that, but he had been looking forward to escaping all the madness of the maddest race weekend of the year. Britta looked at him and smiled as she shook her head.

“Christian said you'd done a deal with him.”

“We just wanted to have a bit of time out from it all,” Seb explained.

Britta nodded slowly. She could understand why Christian was willing to agree to that if it kept Seb motivated.

“Alright, well if we can fit it in somewhere else?”

“I'll do any other time. Maybe Wednesday or Thursday?” offered Sebastian.

“Yes alright. I'll try for Wednesday.”

“Thank you Britta. It's just if we can have a balance through the weekend.”

“I understand. Leave it with me.”

“And the rest of the time?”

“Standard rules apply. You are talking about the race weekend. I shall remind them, don't worry.”

Sebastian smiled at her.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. I'll let you know when we get there what I've got set up.”

“Yep, thanks.”

Sebastian started to get up as Britta jotted down a few notes, but she stopped him.

“Oh Seb, sorry I should have said, Christian asked if you could stop by his office before you leave.”

“Did he say what for?”

“Sorry, no.”

“Okay. Guess I'd better go see what he wants. Thanks Britta.”

  
  


  
  


Shortly after, Seb knocked on his boss's door, entering as he was called through.

“Ah, Seb, come in,” greeted Christian, waving him through. “Good day?”

“Um, yeah fine. I think we're all set.”

“Good good.”

Sebastian sat himself down opposite Christian at his desk. He glanced back to be sure he had shut the door properly behind him.

“Oh um Christian, Mark and I have another meeting tomorrow, you know about what we discussed.”

“Oh yes.”

“So we're fine to give them your name?”

“Absolutely. You've got all my home details to pass on haven't you?”

“Um.”

“Hang on. I'll write them out, then they don't need to send anything here,” offered Christian, pulling over a notepad and writing them down before passing them over.

“Thanks,” accepted Seb as he folded the paper to put in his bag. “So was there anything else?”

Christian looked at him and paused before speaking.

“Um, yes there was actually. You may remember the other matter we discussed recently?”

Sebastian frowned, so his boss reminded him.

“You asked if I could make a few enquiries. About Heikki.”

“Oh.”

 

Christian almost wished he hadn't mentioned it when he saw his driver's face drop at hearing that name. Perhaps it wasn't best to bring it up ahead of a busy race weekend, but he didn't like sitting on information.

“Yes, well I got in contact with a few people and I asked legal to see what they could find out.”

Sebastian wanted to say he wasn't sure that getting the legal team involved constituted a discreet enquiry, but it felt churlish to comment on it when his boss was doing him a favour, and that one top of a rather bigger favour.

“Um so what did you find out? I presuming you found something seeing as you bring it up?”

“Yes. Well, not a lot,” admitted Christian, “but we were able to gather up a bit of info. I think you know he lost his job a while back?”

“Mm.”

“Well we can't find any sign he got another one.”

Sebastian was tempted to ask if it was true as Heikki himself had said, that his boss had made sure of that, but he decided not to.

“Okay, so is that it?”

“Other than the fact he was done for drink driving recently.”

“Drink driving?”

“Yes. In the middle of the afternoon by all accounts, which rather suggests he isn't doing an awful lot right now. Nothing productive at any rate.”

Sebastian puffed a long breath. He didn't know what to make of that, much less what to say. His boss looked over at him, still wondering if he had done the right thing by telling him.

“Look Sebi, don't be worrying about it. It doesn't sound as if he's up to much and there's been no trouble lately has there?”

“No I guess not.”

“So forget him. I'm sure the police set him straight last time.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I've asked that a weather eye is kept on him. So if there's anything to hear, we'll hear it and I'll let you know, okay?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Don't let it bother you.”

“No. Alright, well thanks.”

“Just focus on the weekend, yeah?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

Sebastian nodded and got up, saying goodbye and thanking him again before making his exit.

 

When he got home Mark made him a cup of tea and asked if he was tired. Sebastian sighed. He _was_ tired, but that wasn't what left him feeling down. He looked to Mark and explained what his boss had told him. Mark shook his head, thinking even now Heikki's name alone could cause disruption in their lives.

“Look sweetheart, Christian's right, you can't let it bother you.”

“No I know.”

“He's come to nothing, just as he was always going to.”

“I suppose.”

Mark reached out and took his hand.

“What is it that is bothering you?”

“I don't know. I guess the thought that he's just sitting around.”

“Are you worried he's fixating on you?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Maybe.”

“Well if he's drinking I suspect he's not actually capable of doing anything except muttering to himself like the fool he is.”

“Hm.” Seb looked at him. “Mark you don't think he'd do something stupid?”

“Like what?”

“I don't know. Something crazy.”

“Sweetheart it sounds like he can't drive down the road without getting arrested. I don't think he's in any state to do anything.”

“No I suppose not.”

“What do you think he could do?”

“I don't know.”

“The media won't touch him. He's tried everything else.”

“Yeah. I guess if he's a mess he's not going to try coming over here or anything.”

“I doubt he's even got the money for a flight,” noted Mark.

“Mm, yeah. I guess the police did warn him off ever coming back too.”

“Course they did. Look, Christian's right, forget him, let him drink himself into a stupor and rant at the furniture. As long as he never comes near you again I don't give a shit what he does.”

 

Sebastian puffed a breath and nodded. Mark leaned in closer, trying to read his eyes.

“What is it?” Mark asked.

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“I feel sorry for him.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Oh my god darling, don't waste your energy. He brought it on himself.”

“Yeah.”

“He did.”

“I know.”

Mark rubbed Sebastian's hand.

“You're too good sweetheart, that's the problem. Some people don't deserve sympathy.”

“Mm.” Seb took a deep breath. “I guess as long as we never hear anything about him again.”

“Exactly.”

“Do you think I need to mention it?” wondered Seb.

“To whom?”

“The adoption people.”

“Oh. No just leave it. If they ask then fine, but I don't see any point complicating things unnecessarily,” Mark advised.

“Yeah. Yeah okay. I'm not going to lie though.”

“No of course not.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and puffed it out.

“Okay, well I guess we wait and see.”

“Sure. Look the meeting tomorrow is just a follow up. We can tell them we've got all our references sorted out and they can start getting in touch with them.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I think we've made pretty good progress,” asserted Mark.

Sebastian cracked a smile.

“Do you think they'll be impressed with us?”

“Absolutely sweetheart, gold stars all round.”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian leaned into him and Mark moved to put his arm around him.

“I don't want to have to think about the past,” admitted Seb.

“Well we won't. We're looking to the future aren't we?”

“Yeah. Yeah okay Liebling, the future.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Early next morning they sat in their case worker Rachel's office again, trying not to feel unnerved by the social worker that joined her this time. They told her about the references they had arranged and passed over all the details so they could press on with getting them sorted out and were pleased to hear her say that they had done well to arrange that so quickly. The other woman seemed more serious than Rachel though and it felt far more like a formal interview as they answered all her questions while Rachel filled in more forms. Mark had pulled his chair up so it was next to Seb's and they were both grateful for it as the meeting went on.

“Now then,” continued the social worker. “We will need to arrange a home visit.”

“That's fine,” assured Mark.

“Although your work takes you abroad?”

“Only for short trips,” reminded Sebastian, trying not to sound to defensive. “And we're actually hiring a plane now so we can get back and forth more quickly.”

“Hiring a plane?”

“Um yeah. Just to make life easier.”

“I see.”

 

Sebastian kept his expression even, but he wondered what she was noting down now. Surely them hiring a plane was a good thing, even if it did make them sound pretty different to most folk. Rachel gave him a smile and Seb smiled back, glad that she was their main contact. This other woman didn't even seem to know who they were which seemed odd. Seb didn't want them being well-known to be a factor, but surely she ought to understand that being an F1 driver meant racing abroad?

“It's not a problem is it?” he risked.

“Hm? Hiring a plane? No, it's unusual, but if it is required for your work,” replied the woman.

“No I meant about our work. We aren't away all the time. We explained last time to Rachel.”

“It's fine Seb, we've been through that,” Rachel assured with a nod.

Sebastian nodded back, but he still felt uneasy.

“Mark's going to take a year out you see.”

“Yes I saw that,” agreed the social worker.

“And as we mentioned last time, the travelling isn't set in stone. We're committed to prioritising the child,” affirmed Mark.

“Of course. As long as the child's welfare is your focus, an unusual job isn't an issue.”

“Oh okay.”

“So should we arrange a home visit now?” pressed Seb. “I brought our diary.”

Rachel gave him a smile, then turned to her colleague.

“I told you they were organised. Yes, we might as well arrange it now if we can.”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian pulled out the diary and they went through possible dates looking for one that matched their availability. He and Mark both found themselves trying not to highlight just how much they were going to be away during the next month, referring to themselves as 'working' rather than 'away'. It wasn't a lie, although Mark particularly felt they were fudging the issue slightly. Then again he wouldn't be working if he took a year out, so the matter would be simplified slightly.

 

“So the week commencing the twentieth?” proposed Rachel.

Seb and Mark looked in the diary. That week came straight after Le Mans and they both knew how tired they would be, whatever the result, but they needed to get on with things if they wanted to keep this process flowing.

“What about earlier? We could do next week,” offered Sebastian. “In the middle of the week I mean.”

Mark nodded. They were off out to Le Mans for testing at the weekend, but they needn't leave for that until Friday.

“Oh could you?” perked up Rachel.

“We don't normally do things quite this quickly,” noted the other woman.

Mark wanted to point out that that was probably why it took them so long, but he held his tongue.

 

“Only if you could fit us in,” allowed Sebastian trying to sound open despite being as keen as Mark was to get things done.

“Hmm.” The woman flicked through her notes. “I suppose we _could_... Rachel?”

“I can only do Wednesday morning.”

“That's fine,” insisted Sebastian. “Isn't it Mark?”

“Yep, fine by us. We'll have to tell Pauline.”

“Pauline?” frowned the woman. “This is one of your references?”

“She's our housekeeper,” explained Seb, “but she's much more than that.”

“She lives with you?”

“Oh no, she lives up the road, but she's round a lot.”

“I see.”

“It's not a problem is it?” asked Mark.

“Is she to have care of the child?”

“Um, well she's offered to babysit maybe now and then, but not officially.”

“Hmm,” frowned the woman.

“She's lovely,” assured Seb.

“I'm sure.”

“She's more like a mum to us seeing as our families don't live close.”

“I see. Well...” She wrote something down and then looked up. “I think it would be advisable if she was also subject to a check if she is part of the household.”

“A check?”

“Just the enhanced DBS that you are subject to.”

“Oh right.”

Sebastian looked to Mark, feeling bad that they were going to bring focus on Pauline when she was helping them out.

“It's just a police records check,” reminded Rachel, “but she will need to sign to permit the check being run.”

“Okay.”

Mark put a smile on his face.

“It'll be fine. Pauline is an open book. I'm sure she won't mind a check being run. Could you bring the form on Wednesday and we'll ask if she can stop by?”

“Of course,” agreed Rachel.

“It's just a precaution,” added the other woman. “But if as you say she is at the house so much.”

Seb nodded, although he wanted to sigh at how they could make a nice middle-aged woman offering to baby-sit sound like a threat.

“Okay, we'll speak to her,” offered Mark.

He caught Seb's eye and while the other two made notes in their diaries he gave Sebastian a tiny shake of his head at them fussing.

 

“Very well. Now then, we move on,” picked up the social worker. “We have your reference names and we will contact them. The sooner they can respond, the better in terms of moving your application on.”

“Sure.”

“I have the forms for your medical clearance,” added Rachel, handing them over.

“Yes, same applies, the sooner you can get them back to us,” added the woman, getting nods from each of them. She consulted her notes and looked to her colleague. “Rachel, did you speak to them about the psychological screening?”

“Oh, no we hadn't got to that.”

Sebastian's insides turned over.

“Psychological screening?”

“Yes it is standard.”

“Oh, okay.”

Sebastian tried to not react, but he felt the way Mark shifted his leg slightly so it pressed against his.

“It's my understanding that you already see a psychiatrist,” continued the woman looking at Seb.

“What?”

Seb looked to Mark, feeling sick now. She had acted as though she didn't know who they were before, but clearly she did.

“I believe you see a psychiatrist privately,” she repeated.

“Um, no. Not anymore.”

“But you did?”

Mark's leg was fully pressed into his now and Sebastian took what comfort he could from it as he tried to reply evenly.

“I did for a while, but not for a long time now.”

“I see. How long?”

“Sorry?”

“How long is it since you saw them?”

“Um... six months.”

The woman nodded and made more notes. Seb wanted to ask what she was writing, but he knew he couldn't.

“It's in the past,” he tried.

“I'm sure,” agreed the woman, “but we will need to contact them.”

“What?”

 

Sebastian wanted to panic at that. He wanted to argue that it was all done with, but he knew if he said anything it would make him look bad and he already felt judged. If he panicked it would only look worse. Mark slipped his hand into Seb's and gave it a squeeze.

“He doesn't go anymore because it's all done with,” asserted Mark calmly. “He only went very rarely last year anyway.”

“It's not something to worry about,” assured Rachel. “It's just that we will need to have a report from them.”

“A report?” echoed Sebastian, his whole body tensing.

“Why would you need a report?” asked Mark.

“It is protocol,” insisted the social worker. “If an applicant has psychological issues, we will need assurance that is not a factor in our assessment of your suitability.”

“He doesn't have psychological issues. That's why he doesn't go anymore,” pointed out Mark.

Sebastian squeezed his hand back, trying to absorb Mark's confidence and calm attitude.

“I'm really fine,” he stated, trying his best to make sure he appeared so. “It was a long time ago. I just went through a bit of a rough patch, but it's all done with.”

Rachel looked over to him, trying to assuage things.

“Seb it's not an accusation. It's just something we need to get on record that it isn't an issue, okay?”

“Okay.”

Seb didn't feel very okay.

“So if you could give us the details so we can get in touch with them?” persisted the social worker.

Sebastian nodded. Mark gave his hand another squeeze before letting go so Seb could find his phone to give them Dr. Menton's contact details.

 

“Thank you. Well, perhaps we can arrange the next steps once we have visited next week?”

Mark nodded, knowing Seb needed time to compose himself.

“Sure.”

The meeting finished up with pleasantries exchanged and assurances that the home visit wasn't an inspection, though Mark and Sebastian suspected that wasn't entirely true. As soon as they left and got back to the car Seb leaned in and Mark gave him a long hug.

 

“Darling you don't need to worry about it,” Mark assured.

Sebastian sat back and huffed a mirthless laugh.

“Don't worry?”

Mark raised his hand to rub his arm.

“They just need to check you're okay and you _are_ okay Seb, so Henry will say that won't he?”

“I guess. But what if they ask him why I had to go see him?”

“They won't.”

“Of course they will.”

“Seb that's all confidential. They can't ask him to reveal that. It would be asking him to break his professional code or whatever.”

Sebastian squished his face about as he thought about that. He did trust Henry, but what if they asked for details and he wouldn't be passed without them?

“Won't they want to know why I went I the first place?”

“It's not their business,” insisted Mark.

“Everything is their business now.”

Mark shook his head.

“There's limits.”

“You think so?”

“Yes. They said the same with the medical didn't they? It's just a thing to say we're okay to look after kids, so it should be the same for Henry.”

“Hmmm.”

“Why don't you call him?”

“Henry?”

“Yeah. Call him and explain the situation. I bet he'll tell you he would never reveal anything you told him,” asserted Mark. He gave Seb a look. “He wouldn't even tell me anything would he?”

“Mm, I suppose that's true.”

“So don't worry yourself into a hole. Talk to him and see what he says.”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Yeah okay.”

“And we'd better call Pauline too.”

“Oh god yeah I feel really bad about that.”

Mark shook his head.

“Nah. It's just a form. I can't quite see Pauline hiding a secret past as an axe murderer can you?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but the tiniest of smiles crept onto his face.

“No I'm sure she has nothing to hide,” he agreed. “I just don't like asking her.”

“Well we don't have any choice. She'll be fine. Come on, if we hurry back we might catch her finishing up.”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb.

They pulled out of the car-park to head home and Mark looked to Seb.

“I bet you she's more concerned about making sure the house is immaculate for the home visit.”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“Bet you a plane.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Another one?”

“Yeah I'm gonna start a collection,” smiled Mark.

  
  


  
  


  
  


They got back from their early meeting in time to find Pauline just completing her cleaning routine and explained the situation to her.

“I'm sorry I think it was because we said you might baby-sit,” explained Sebastian.

Pauline shook her head.

“It does seem silly, but don't worry about it.”

“You're sure?”

“Of course. I'll sign their form. It's not as if there's anything to find on me.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Course not. It's just box ticking. Sorry Pauline.”

“Don't worry about it. Now this house visit. Next Wednesday?”

“Yes 'fraid so. We just thought it best to get going with it seeing as we're going to be away a lot next month.”

“They said it's not an inspection,” noted Seb, “so you don't need to do anything different to normal.”

Pauline huffed a laugh.

“They'll be looking at everything dear, no matter what they say. Right, well that's fine. I can get cracking while you're away.”

“Oh Pauline you're already doing so much.”

“Nonsense. I'm not having them see anything they can criticise,” stated Pauline firmly. “I'll be here every day anyway looking after the dogs so I can do a bit each time.”

Mark and Sebastian looked to one another, both secretly pleased that she was offering to help.

“We'll make sure the place is really tidy,” offered Seb.

“You really don't have to do more than you usually would,” tried Mark.

Pauline shook her head.

“When they get here next week this place will be spotless. I don't want you two worrying about it when you have enough to deal with racing this weekend.”

 

Mark smiled, thinking he could point out he wasn't racing, but he knew Pauline wasn't to be argued with.

“We'll pay you extra,” he offered.

“Well.”

“Of course we will,” added Seb. “And you deserve a treat. You can think of it while we're away.”

Pauline laughed and shook her head.

“A treat?”

“Yes, anything you like.”

“You could get me a new hoover.”

“Oh don't be daft,” smiled Mark. “That's not a treat.

“Although we will get one if that's what you'd like,” insisted Seb. “For at home you mean?”

“No I meant here.”

Mark laughed.

“Then it's not even for you.”

Pauline shrugged.

“You don't need to get me anything.”

“We want to. Just have a think.”

Pauline smiled at Sebastian.

“I don't really need anything.”

“Good. Think of something nice you don't need and that's your treat.”

Mark nodded.

“There you go, that's Seb being assertive. You can't say no now.”

“Oh go on with the pair of you,” dismissed Pauline. “Don't you need to be packing?”

“We do.”

“Right, well I'm done for today so I'll go. Good luck for the weekend.”

“Thank you.”

“Yes thanks Pauline, for everything you're doing,” added Sebastian.

Pauline gave them each a hug and then looked to Seb.

“Now you're not to go fretting about things. I can see when you're fretting.”

Mark smiled and put his arm around Seb.

“We're getting everything sorted and then we fly out late this afternoon.”

“There we go then. I'll see you next week.”  
  


Mark stayed with his arm around Sebastian as Pauline let herself out.

“See. Told you.”

Sebastian sighed against him.

“I owe you another plane.”

“Mm, though I meant about her being an extra mum.”

Seb smiled and turned to hug him.

“We will have to find her a treat. Maybe she'd like to go to London for a show?”

“Good idea darling. We'll find a way to persuade her to accept it.”

“Yeah.”

Mark hugged him back and then let go.

“Right, lunch, call Henry, pack, and then the car should be here to pick us up so we can travel in style.”

“Okay. At least if I've spoken to Henry I'll know.”

“You will. It'll be fine.”

Sebastian nodded. He hoped that was true.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian did his best to make ordinary conversation over lunch, but Mark could tell he was distracted. As soon as they finished, Mark suggested Seb make his call to get it out of the way. Seb nodded and pulled his phone out, scrolling through his contacts to find Henry's number.

“Do you want me with you?” asked Mark.

“Hmm.”

“I can just do the washing up if you want.”

“I'll help.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I meant to keep me busy. Go on, call him, get it over with.”

Seb nodded.

“Okay I'll just go in the lounge. He might not even pick up.”

“I'm sure he will if he can. Take the dogs with you,” advised Mark. “Boys, go with Seb.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian led the dogs out into the hall and into the lounge, settling them at his feet as he sat down on the sofa and pressed dial before allowing himself any time to hesitate. The phone rang several times and he was just reconciling himself to the idea that he would need to leave a message asking Henry to call him back when it was answered.

“Hello Dr. Menton speaking.”

“Oh um, hi. Henry it's me, Seb.”

 

There was a pause while his former therapist recovered from his surprise. He'd still recognise that voice anywhere.

“My goodness. Seb, how are you? Or is that why you're calling?”

“Um, no I'm fine. I'm sorry to call out of the blue like this.”

“It's no problem Seb. I told you, you're always welcome to get in touch.”

“Yeah, thanks, sorry, um, this is a bit awkward.”

“How so?”

“I need to ask, well...” Seb paused, wishing he had given more thought about what he was actually meant to say here. “Um, yeah I just... Henry if I tell you something... Well I was going to say it's in confidence, but that's sort of the point.”

Henry frowned at how uncertain Sebastian sounded. There was obviously something going on.

“Of course it's the point Seb. Everything between us is confidential.”

“Yeah, thanks. That's sort of why I'm calling.”

“Oh? Have you had some trouble? Is it the media?”

“No not that, sorry I'm...” Sebastian puffed a breath. “Sorry, I hate to say it but I had to give your name and I probably should have checked first, but they rather sprang it on me and I couldn't say no.”

“Who sprang it on you?” enquired Dr. Menton, thinking Seb was highly unlikely to have done so if the press asked him.

“Um, well, the adoption agency. Mark and I, we're looking to adopt.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, sorry that's why I mentioned about it being confidential. We don't really want anyone to know just yet.”

“Of course. Well...”

“I suppose it must be a surprise.”

Henry huffed a laugh.

“A little, but then I was a little surprised to hear you had got married.”

“Oh sorry, I should have told you.”

“No no, quite your own business Seb. I'm sure you would have mentioned it if you had still been coming to see me.”

“Of course.”

“And I should say, I would never pass on anything you mention to me.”

“No, okay.”

“That's always been the case Seb. Are you concerned that the adoption agency will contact me?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Well that's the thing you see. They're going to. They said they had to.”

“Oh I see.”

“I didn't know they were going to do that. I mean I should have guessed, but there was another woman there today, a social worker at the meeting and she was a lot more, well, pushy, asking us things and she said you had to give a report on me and...”

Sebastian took in sharper breath than he had intended, then stopped, trying to prevent himself getting worked up with his worries.

 

“I see. And you're concerned what I might say?”

“What will you say?”

Henry sat back on his chair.

“Sebastian I take my duty of care very seriously. To reveal any information about what passed between us would be unethical. So if you are concerned, then you need not be.”

He heard the longer breath Sebastian let out and knew it was one of relief.

“Seb what is it you need of me?” Henry enquired. “You said they need a report?”

“Yes. I don't really know exactly, but I guess they need to know if I'm suitable.”

“To adopt?”

“Yeah. I get that they have to find out about me, but the things we talked about...”

“I don't think they would have the right to ask for specifics of our sessions.”

“No?”

“No Seb. They have to respect that.”

“Do you think so?”

“You said they would be in touch?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Did you ask for any more details on what they would be asking?”

“Um, no, sorry. They sort of gave me a fright to be honest.”

“I see. Well look Seb why don't we wait and see what they say? I promise I won't do anything without consulting you.”

“Oh Henry, thank you,” sighed Sebastian.

Henry huffed a silent laugh at how relieved he sounded.

“Seb there is no point worrying about the unknown. Let's see what is asked and we'll go from there.”

“Okay. Thank you. So this report, I think it's important.”

“Mm, well as I say, I need to see what they are asking first.”

“It really means a lot to us.”

“The report?”

“Being approved to adopt.”

“Oh I see. Well perhaps you should come in and see me, then we can have a real chat?”

“Ah, the thing is it's Monaco this weekend.”

Henry smiled, feeling an echo of conversations past.

“Of course it is, how could I forget? When do you leave?”

“Later today.”

“Okay and when are you back?”

“Late on Sunday.”

“Okay, so next week?”

“We have a home visit on Wednesday.”

“Is this from the adoption agency?”

“Yes and the social worker.”

“Okay let me get my diary.”

 

Sebastian sat looking at the dogs, not entirely sure when he had agreed to go in, but if this was what it took at least Henry was helping him.

“Right, I'm back,” announced Henry. “What about the Tuesday?”

“Okay sure.”

“Three-thirty?”

“Fine.”

“I take it you've not forgotten where to find me?”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“No I've not forgotten.”

“Okay, well as your former therapist Seb, I offer a little free advice; Put this to one side and concentrate on your work. We can sort this all out next week.”

“Yeah, okay, thanks Henry. I really appreciate it and I'm sorry to dump this on you.”

“It's fine. I'm glad to hear from you.”

“Thanks. Well I'll see you in a week.”

“I'll see you then Seb. Please pass my regards to Mark.”

“Yeah I will. Bye then.”

“Goodbye, oh and good luck for the weekend.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian hung up and Henry stared at his phone for a moment before looking out of the window. He puffed out a long breath and shook his head. How long had it been? Somehow though the content of the phone-call had surprised him, to hear from Seb had not. In a way there was always a slight hope that he might get in touch, though that usually meant trouble. Henry thought he had sounded nervous, but it was an abstract fear. Far better to face it and find out. A report though, where to begin with that? Just as he had advised Seb, no point worrying about it until they knew what they were dealing with.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Despite Henry's advice, Seb found his concerns still whirling around in his head as he and Mark settled themselves into their seats on their hired plane. Mark gave him a smile as they belted themselves in.

“Feels a bit weird doesn't it?” Mark noted.

“Yeah.”

“You okay?”

“Mm.”

“You're not still worrying are you?”

Sebastian glanced forwards towards where the steward had disappeared and shrugged.

“I dunno. Henry was really nice about it, but I just worry what they're going to ask him to say in this report.”

“Sweetheart he's already said he won't reveal anything confidential.”

“I know, but that woman already knew I went to him, so she must know the other stuff too.”

“What stuff?”

Seb leaned in and whispered.

“Heikki.”

Mark sighed.

“We'll handle it. There's nothing to know that they can hold against us. Heikki is drinking himself to death in a dark corner of Finland and you've not been to see Henry in six months cos you're fine. Henry will say you're fine and then that's that.”

“You think so?”

“Yes. That's all they need to know.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Yes?”

“Yes. I just worry that's all.”

“Well I think Henry was right. You need to forget it until next week and then we can sort it all out, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark smiled.

“See, me agreeing with Henry. Times do change don't they?”

Sebastian smiled and gave him a kiss.

“Guess they do.”

“So you can put it to one side?”

“Yeah. I guess I'll have enough to think about when we get to Monaco.”

“Exactly and I bet when we get home Pauline will have the place shining so you can see your face in every surface.”

Sebastian laughed.

“What about the dogs?”

“She'll probably have polished them too.”

Seb laughed again and leaned into him.

“Thank you.”

“I think we should be thanking Pauline,” smiled Mark.

“We will.”

“Yeah. Okay, now where's that champagne?”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow and Mark grinned.

“Fine, no champagne. We can watch a film though.”

“Sure. After we take off.”

“Yep. We've only really just got enough time to watch one.”

“Perfect then.”

“It will be once we can take these belts off.”

Mark huffed a laugh and stretched his legs out.

“Ah this is nice. I think I appreciate no bloody chairs reclined into me more than any amount of champagne.”

“Yeah.”

 

As soon as they could, their belts were removed, the dividing arm folded away and the pair snuggled in together, half-watching the film on the screen in front of them. The steward had put it on, brought them bottles of water and reminded them where everything was before being politely informed that they weren't really needed. The film had only just finished when they were told that they were coming in to land and then it seemed in no time at all, they were in Nice, Mark commenting that it might be the first time he wished a flight actually went on longer.

  
  


  
  


  
  


As they sorted themselves out with their hotel room in Monaco, Sebastian put all his things away then stepped out onto the balcony to gaze out at the harbour as the sun went down. Mark looked over from where he was fitting things into drawers and went to join him.

“Nice view,” commented Mark.

Sebastian turned and nodded.

“You could watch the race from here pretty much. There's the harbour chicane.”

Mark peered down where Seb was pointing and nodded.

“I'll just stay in our room all weekend then shall I?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Can if you want.”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm joking darling. Look, over on the other side, there's the floater-home; my place of work.”

Sebastian looked across the harbour to see the blocky floating barge that comprised the RedBull base for the weekend, docked over on the far side near the palace. Lord only knew how much it cost when it was only used for a couple of days, but it was _the_ place to be for the race weekend.

“You don't really have to work,” Seb argued.

“Nope, I made a deal with Christian. I'll do some prime-time sucking up to people in exchange for us getting a free pass on Friday.”

“Thank you.”

Mark wrapped his arms around Sebastian at his side and plonked his chin on Seb's shoulder.

“The Friday is for me. I get you to myself away from the garage and all the hobnobbers.”

 

Seb angled his head so he could smile at Mark.

“For you?”

“Yes.”

“Aren't we seeing Jenson and Jess?”

Mark leaned in to steal a kiss.

“Not until the afternoon.”

Sebastian laughed and kissed Mark back.

“We can have a lazy breakfast.”

“Brunch,” adjusted Mark. “I have big plans for a lie in.”

“Oh do you?” smiled Seb.

“Mmm.”

Mark pulled him in a little tighter and Sebastian put his arms over Mark's.

“Okay, that sounds good.”

“I'm glad you think so.”

“We could have our brunch out here.”

“If you like,” agreed Mark. “We can watch the world go by like real Monaco types.”

“Monegasques.”

“Hm?”

“That's what they're called.”

“Oh, ha, trust you to know that. Alright darling, like true Monegasques. Seems appropriate seeing as we flew here in our private jet.”

Seb huffed another laugh.

“It was nice though, less stressful,” he commented.

“Rather the point I think, but yeah, a good trial run I reckon.”

“Mm, I'm kind of glad they pretty much let us alone.”

“Yeah.”

“We weren't rude were we?” wondered Seb.

“No sweetheart, we just want our own space. That's what we're paying for.”

“I guess they're more used to people wanting to be fussed over.”

“Well they'll get used to us. Gives the steward time off anyway. I bet they're quite pleased not to have demanding passengers.”

“Yeah I guess. I can't really imagine being the 'click your fingers' type.”

Mark laughed against him.

“Nah me either. I'm still not used to being the 'private jet' type, but if it means I get you all to myself for a couple of hours then I am reconciled to getting used to it.”

“You'll suffer through it,” smiled Seb.

“I will darling. I'm very forbearing.”

Sebastian giggled and turned around in his arms to face him.

“My hero.”

Mark laughed and gave an indication back inside.

“We haven't tested the bed yet.”

Sebastian laughed even harder.

“Tested it?”

“Well you know.”

“Mm.”

“Just an idea.”

“You have lots of good ideas Liebling.”

Mark moved his hands lower down the small of Sebastian's back and pulled him in tighter.

“Unless you want to go find some food,” he offered.

Seb shook his head.

“I don't want to go anywhere. I want you all to myself too.”

“Food later.”

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled at how distracted Seb was already.

“Food later,” he repeated. “We can call room service.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian was staring into his eyes, the orange sunset sky behind him. Mark stared back for a moment appreciating the closer view more than the one in the distance, then pulled Seb back inside for them to make the most of their evening before all the craziness of the Monaco Grand Prix really kicked off.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Late the next afternoon Sebastian found himself on the upper deck of the RedBull base, sat on the comfortable cushioned seating area up there, with what he had to admit was a pretty good view out into the Mediterranean.

“Nice weather for it,” smiled Will opposite him.

Sebastian smiled back and nodded.

“Certainly is.”

“Can't complain about our jobs on weekends like this can we?”

“No guess not.”

Sebastian looked over to Britta who was speaking to the television producer over to the side and tried to ignore the cameras that were being lined up on him. Instead he focussed on his interview and exchanged a few more pleasantries while they waited for everything to be ready.

“I presume you've had a busy day already?” guessed Will.

“Hm? Oh yeah, early start. I've been in the garage mostly,” explained Seb.

“Don't suppose track walks are much help here.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and turned his head to look over to 'La Rascasse' bar, which despite being an important corner as part of the circuit, would shortly be surrounded by revellers, spilling drinks and depositing rubbish all over the road.

“No not really. We'll learn more in FP1 tomorrow morning.”

“I suppose all the drivers that actually live here do their own track walks day-to-day,” noted Will.

“I guess. I'm not sure it gives them an advantage.”

“Other than simply rolling out of bed to get here.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking he had done much the same himself today.

“Yeah.”

“When did you arrive?” asked Will.

“Last night.”

“Ah. Oh well at least it's not such a long journey for you. Did I notice Mark around downstairs?”

“I've no doubt you did,” agreed Sebastian.

“I'm sure you're glad he can be here this weekend.”

“I'm always glad when he can be with me.”

“And of course it's a year...”

“Yes.”

Sebastian looked over at him and Will couldn't fail to notice the short response. He offered a smile.

“It's okay, I've already had a talking to. We'll move swiftly on, okay?”

“Okay.”

Seb cracked the seal on his water bottle and took a drink. It was unrealistic to expect people to act as if they had forgotten all about the seismic events that had occurred a year ago here, he just had to handle it and get them to move on. Britta finished her conversation and the two of them came over, the producer getting a quick word with the cameramen as she passed them.

“We're all set,” she announced. “Will?”

“I'm good,” confirmed the interviewer. “Seb?”

“Yep.”

“Right then.”

Sebastian sat back and gave Britta little nod as she found a place to stand out of shot as the cameras began rolling.

 

“So, Seb, thanks for having us here.”

“No problem.”

“A very nice setting.”

“It is, we're very fortunate. I don't know who's idea this place was, but it was a good one,” praised Sebastian.

“A little refuge from all the craziness.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I don't know, I think plenty of craziness gets onboard here too, but it's still nice to have it. Makes a change from the normal motorhome.”

“You must be grateful things aren't quite as crazy as they were last year,” noted Will.

Sebastian smiled professionally. He just had to get this bit out of the way.

“Yeah for sure.”

“This time last year we didn't even know about the pair of you and now you're happily married.”

“Very happily thank you.”

Will smiled.

“I suppose things moving apace is appropriate for racing drivers.”

Sebastian nodded. He'd heard that one so many times now, but there was nothing to be done except smile and agree. He could point out that the world finding out about their relationship a year ago didn't mean they had only been together for a year, but why go there?

“And now you race as Vettel-Webber.”

“We both do.”

“Ha, quite, and how's that working for you?”

Seb gave the slightest of shrugs.

“It's working fine. It's really no change. I think it's more about you guys all getting used to it.”

“That's true. I have to keep a post-it note handy to remind me,” confessed Will.

“You're kidding?”

“Fraid not.”

Sebastian smiled a genuine smile.

“Well we still have to remind ourselves when we're signing things occasionally, but it's nice. Every time I hear it...” He shrugged. “It's just nice.”

Will glanced at the ring on Sebastian's finger.

“I suppose it's good to get away from all this when you're not racing,” he offered.

“Yeah it is. That's really important to us, you know, to keep our home life separate.”

“Sure.”

“It's important for us to draw a line,” noted Seb.

“Between racing and the rest of your life?”

“Yeah, sure, and between the past and the future.”

Will huffed a laugh.

“And the media are more interested in the past.”

“Yeah but we're focussed on the future, that's what matters to us.”

 

Will nodded. He wondered if Sebastian realised how he always referred to himself in the plural. The only time you seemed to get an 'I' out of Seb these days was when he spoke about his racing. He glanced over to Britta and saw the look she was giving him to move on.

“So, um speaking of the future, you're all set for this weekend?”

“Yep, hopefully yeah. I guess we'll see how we get on tomorrow.”

Will hid a smile, even now Seb was using the plural. He was tempted to make a joke to ask if Mark would be in the car with him, but perhaps it was fairer to presume Sebastian was referring to the team.

“You're not planning on sharing any more surprises with us this weekend are you?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“No, definitely not.”

“Ah well, we'll have to rely on the racing for our entertainment.”

“You'd hope that would be enough for people.”

“You would,” agreed Will. “Okay so are you glad to be back racing in Monaco? I know how you always say you like the historic tracks.”

“Yeah sure, I guess Monaco is a bit different as a street track, but it's good to have variety and I think we all enjoy the challenge of racing here.”

“Challenge, but also risk,” noted Will. “The barriers are very close here.”

“That's true, but it's the same for everyone.”

“Is it though?”

“Sorry,” frowned Sebastian.

“Well I was just wondering, you said you're looking to the future, but is it so easy to block out the past with what happened last year?”

Seb frowned even more, trying to work out what the interviewer was getting out. Yes last year had been crazy with everything that had happened after the world saw them kiss and their relationship was exposed, but he couldn't see how that connected to actually racing.

Will looked over, wondering if he ought to back off, but he'd started now, so he thought he ought to at least explain seeing as Seb clearly wasn't getting it.

“I meant in terms of the fact you had rather too close an encounter with those barriers last year. Whether that's something that affects you, or indeed Mark watching, bearing in mind all you've been through.”

“Oh.”

 

Sebastian felt horribly deflated. He hadn't even thought about that. Everything was focussed on what had happened _after_ he had crashed in the race last year. He'd crashed and Mark had been so upset and worried that was why they had kissed.

“I forgot about that,” Sebastian let slip.

“You forgot?”

“Um, sort of.”

Seb puffed a breath and Britta looking over saw the expression in his eyes and wondered if she needed to step in. Will was wondering how Sebastian could forget something like that and it occurred to him that it could be related to the amnesia Sebastian had suffered after his more serious crash only months later. Seb tried to compose himself, but all he could think now was how hard this weekend must be for Mark and how he hadn't even mentioned it. Surely it had to have occurred to him? Seb didn't know how it was he hadn't thought about it himself. Mark seemed fine though, he hadn't been pretending or Sebastian was certain he would have known. They'd had such a good night last night, though that had nothing to do with where they were.

 

Sebastian took a sip of his water and looked over at Will. Britta was trying to catch his eye, but Seb was focussed elsewhere. He sat up straighter and took a breath.

“Sorry, that came out wrong. I didn't mean I forgot as such,” he excused, “more that I've not been thinking about that.”

“Oh I see.”

“Like I say, I'm concentrating on the future.”

Will nodded, still wondering what was going on inside his subject's head. That line sounded like a fudge to him, but it was probably wrong to press the point when Sebastian clearly wanted to move on.

“You've always been very good at doing that thing where everything else goes away when you put the visor down,” offered Will.

“Yeah.”

“I suppose you've had to develop that skill.”

“Yeah.”

Will wanted to sigh. Damnit Sebastian had closed down on him. That was his fault. Damn stupid thing to refer to crashing when it had to be such a sensitive topic. These personal interviews were rare things to be awarded with Seb these days and he'd screwed it up. Damn.  
  


Sebastian took another drink. He wanted to walk away. He wanted to go and find Mark right now.

“You've had happier times here though,” tried Will.

“Hm?”

“Here in Monaco, you've had considerable success on these streets.”

“Oh, yeah not too bad.”

“I remember you and Mark jumping off from somewhere around here into the harbour when one of you had won,” Will recalled.

 

Sebastian looked over to the side of the barge where they had indeed once jumped in for the cameras in celebration of a good day. It seemed aeons ago, but he remembered the smile Mark had given him and how he had treasured it, even then.

“Yes. Mark. It was Mark that won that year,” recalled Seb. “God, that was a crazy time.”

“Fun though?”

A small smile broke onto Sebastian's face.

“Yes it was fun. Things didn't seem so serious back then.”

“You were young.”

“I suppose I was.”

“You've been through a lot since then.”

Sebastian nodded. Will had no idea _how_ much.

“Any chance you might be jumping in again this weekend?” asked Will, attempting to pick things up again.

Seb puffed a breath.

“I don't know. Early days yet.”

“Any chance Mark would jump in with you?”

Sebastian let out a little laugh.

“I don't know about that.”

“Of course Mark actually holds the Monaco record in your household.”

“He does, that's true.”

“So will you be looking to beat that record?”

Sebastian furrowed his brow.

“Break Mark's record you mean?”

“Um, yes.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. We don't work that way.”

“You're not competitive?”

Sebastian looked at him as if he was speaking another language.

“Against my husband? No. that's really... We have joint goals, that's sort of the whole point of being married isn't it?”

“I suppose so,” agreed Will.

Seb sighed and gave a little shake of his head.

“People really don't get us. The idea that Mark would think about me breaking his record if I won...” He shook his head again. “It's just ridiculous. Mark's not like that. He's so much better than that. Nobody's happier if I win than Mark. I swear not even me, and if people think that's strange then they must have a very odd idea of what love is.”

 

Will nodded. He'd had no idea this interview would take this turn. You might as well throw away your notes talking to Seb these days. He'd either open up and amaze you with what came out or clam up altogether. You just had to catch him at the right moment.

“That's, well, it's good to hear. I suppose it's just that few people have anything they can compare it to,” noted Will.

Sebastian gave a little shrug. He knew they were unusual.

“People are people though aren't they?” Seb suggested. “Surely that's not so strange to think of? If you care about someone then you want to put them first. I dunno, I suppose people mostly see Mark supporting me at races, but I try to go with him when I can. It's just there's less cameras around.”

“And you're not doing it for the cameras.”

“No of course not.”

“So you'll be with Mark at Le Mans?”

“Of course. It's probably the most important race of the year.”

“For him?”

“For both of us. To be able to be there last year when he won.” Seb smiled. “It was amazing, really, the highlight of my year. Mark worked so hard for it, I mean all the team obviously, but to see them fight through to get the result they truly deserved... It was incredible and there was such an atmosphere. I mean I know we have some great places we race in F1 with fantastic crowds, but Le Mans really is special.”  
  


Will nodded, trying not to let on how fascinated he was to see how Sebastian had really lit up just then for the first time while talking about Mark.

“Would you consider racing there yourself?”

“Le Mans?” Seb shook his head. “No, that's Mark's thing. I'm happy just to be there supporting.”

“Is it strange to play that role?”

“No. I like to whenever I can. Mark comes with me so often, I try to do the same in return.”

“You've mentioned before that you find it difficult though,” noted Will.

“Have I? Well yes, it can be nerve-wracking, but Mark does the same for me.”

“So will it be hard for him this weekend, watching you race?”

 

Sebastian took in a breath. How had they not talked about this before they came? Had he been so obsessed with everything else going on that he had totally failed to consider how Mark was going to feel coming here? The idea of Mark suffering through watching, and worse, not telling him, made Seb feel awful. God, he was going to tear up. He had to talk to Mark about this, _now_.

“Sorry,” apologised Seb, still trying to pull himself together.

Will stared at him, feeling terrible at how that question had clearly hit that nerve again. What the hell was wrong with him for pushing on that issue? Will was kicking himself internally, but somehow he couldn't stop his brain wandering into those areas of their relationship that fascinated him just as much as the fans. Sebastian looked to Britta, on the verge of asking her to pull the plug and she moved to make sure Will could see her glaring at him.

Will fumbled to try to recover the situation.

“No I'm sorry Seb that was thoughtless of me. Of course it must be difficult.”

Sebastian took a settling breath and tried to force a smile onto his face, though it felt false.

“Yeah, just, it is difficult, when you really know what's at stake. What Mark went through last year...” Seb shook his head. “I don't know how he does it, but he always supports me, comes with me as often as he can. He's always there. He's an incredible person. People just don't understand.”

“Perhaps that's why people are so fascinated,” admitted Will, though he partly meant himself.

“Hm?”

“With your relationship. They're trying to get their heads around it.”

“Oh.” Seb shrugged. “I guess.”

“It must be good to at least have that one person who really does.”

“Does what?”

“Understands. Knows what it's like.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Seb nodded, taking comfort from that idea. “Yeah that is good and in a way when we take turns to support each other at races it's better because we really know what it's like for the other.”

“And it helps?”

“Yeah it does. We don't have explain, we just know.”

“That's quite something.”

“I suppose it is. And you know, that's the thing when you mention those old races and me and Mark back in the day... I mean yeah, it was fun and they were simpler times, but I wouldn't swap now for then. Not a chance.”

“Well that's a positive.”

“Yeah. We choose a complicated life.”

“You choose a complicated life?”

“Yeah because that's the one where we have each other and we get to make our future.”

“No matter how tough it is?”

“Yeah because the compensations, they may not be so obvious to the outside world, but to us, they're worth everything.”

 

Sebastian said that so seriously Will had no idea how to follow it up. He thought again how young Seb had seemed back at that race in 2010. 2010 didn't seem all that long ago, but Seb had seemed just a boy then. He seemed so much older now, almost a different person. Six years was far more like ten for him.

Seb and Mark as team-mates mucking about and jumping into the harbour. Will would never have believed the future that lay ahead for them. Then again he suspected neither would they.

“Life surprises you,” commented Will.

“Yeah,” nodded Seb. “It does.”

“For the good as well as the bad.”

“Mm, well more of the good when you take it in the balance. That's the main thing and that's what I try to focus on. That's how we do it, both us I think, we just have to focus on the positives to get through.”

“So that's what you'll be doing this weekend?”

“Yeah.”

Britta in the background made a signal and Will knew his time was up. He hardly knew whether he had recovered that interview or not, but Will was already wanting to watch it back. Britta looked like she might kill him, but the responses from Seb had been quite fascinating.

“Well hopefully you'll have lots more positives to focus on this weekend Seb,” Will rounded up.

“Yeah hopefully.”

“Thanks for your time.”

Seb nodded and smiled, waiting for the producer to signal that the cameras were off. As soon as he could, he stood and went to walk away, but Will stood with him and leaned in.

“Seb I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to go there.”

Sebastian gave a little dismissive shake of his head and forced the smile back onto his face.

“It's fine. Um, Britta...”

He stepped away towards his assistant who leaned in.

“Seb.”

“Can I go?”

“Of course. Are you okay?”

“I just need to see Mark.”

“I'll find you later.”

“Sure.”

  
  


 

Sebastian made a sharp exit, heading down to the next level of the floating base to look for Mark. There were so many people about and they all seemed to be in his way as he scanned the crowds looking for the tall figure he needed, eventually spotting him talking with DC stood on the deck to the far side. He made his way over, ignoring all the people turning to look at him. Mark seemed to sense his approach and turned, making his excuses to David and taking a couple of steps in Seb's direction to meet him. As soon as Seb got close enough he flung his arms around Mark's neck and pressed into him. Mark held him in, worried at how tightly Seb was clinging to him. He turned his head to whisper in his ear.

“Sweetheart what's happened?”

Sebastian just squeezed him tighter and Mark moved to try to see his face.

“Seb?”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment, needing to feel Mark against him to restore a level of calm. As he stayed pressed in Mark shot a look up to the balcony level where Seb had been doing his interview. He could see Will looking down at them as the television crew cleared away and Mark wanted to yell up to ask what the hell he had said to upset Seb, but instead he rubbed Seb's arm and looked to see he was okay. Sebastian took in a deep breath then let go to look at Mark.

“Sorry.”

“Hey no.”

“Can we go to my room?”

“Of course, come on.”

Mark fitted his arm around Sebastian and walked them through the thronged deck, ignoring all the looks that came their way. Once they reached Seb's room and shut the door behind them Sebastian hugged him once again and Mark kept his arms around him for a minute before pressing for more.

 

“What is it?”

Sebastian sighed and let go of him.

“The interview. What did he say?” pressed Mark.

Seb puffed a long breath and Mark led him to the bed so they could sit close together and put his arm around him.

“What happened?” asked Mark again.

Seb looked up at him.

“He said about last year.”

“Okay, well, I mean you thought he would.”

“Yeah but I was thinking about the kiss and all the fuss. I just, somehow I totally forgot about what came before it.”

“What came before it?” frowned Mark, then it hit him. “Oh.”

“I crashed.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

“I just forgot,” Seb admitted. “I mean not _forgot_ , forgot, but more like I didn't think of it because of everything else that went on. That bit, I just, I didn't think of that at all.”

“Oh I see. Well yes of course. That wasn't very kind of him to mention. He must have known it would upset you.”

“Because of you.”

“Huh?”

“Because of you Liebling. I just hadn't thought what it means for you to have to come back here and have to go through watching me race again, you know, after everything, and how hard that must be.”

“Oh.”

“Why didn't you say?”

Mark shrugged.

“Sweetheart I didn't think about that either.”

“You didn't?”

Mark gave him a small smile.

“No. I guess same reasons as you. Everything was focussed on after that.”

Seb sighed, his body deflating again.

“And now I've made you think about it.”

Mark pulled him in a little tighter.

“Darling is that what upset you?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh sweetheart. You were worried about me?”

“Of course I was. I hate the idea of you having to go through that.”

Mark sighed and put his hand at the side of Seb's face.

“You are sweet sometimes.”

“Sweet?”

“Yeah you daft thing, getting upset because you're worried about me worrying.”

“Oh.”

Seb pouted and Mark huffed a sad little laugh before leaning in to kiss him.

 

“I just hate the idea. And you hadn't even mentioned it,” pointed out Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“I hadn't thought about that bit either. Really. Not specifically anyway.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“Don't you know I worry about you every race?”

Seb shrugged.

“I guess. I worry about you every race too.”

Mark gave a sideways tip of his head.

“Yeah I know.”

“Sorry Liebling. I didn't mean to make a fuss. It was just such a horrible idea and it hit me, right here.”

Seb put his hand over his heart and looked at him so sincerely. Mark pulled him in for another hug.

“Yeah course it did,” Mark sympathised.

Seb gave him a squeeze back, then settled his head on Mark's shoulder.

“Nobody understands us but each other.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Is that what you said?”

Sebastian shrugged against him.

“They don't.”

“No I guess they don't,” agreed Mark. “Good job we've got each other then.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes.

“Can we just stay here for a few minutes?” he requested.

“Course.”

“I suppose it's stupid I got upset.”

“No it's not. He was stupid to mention it.”

“I hardly know what I said to him. It all went wrong. I tried to talk about work, but when he said those things I just ended up going on about us. I didn't mean to.”

“Don't worry about that.”

“It must have been a terrible interview.”

“Do you want me to go find him and push him into the harbour?”

 

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh through his nose and opened his eyes to look up at Mark.

“He mentioned that.”

“What? Me pushing him in?”

“No. Us jumping in all those years ago.”

“Oh. God that's a throwback.”

“Yeah. I said I wouldn't swap.”

“Hm?”

“Then for now. Even with everything.”

“I should hope not. Neither would I.”

Seb sat up more to look at him.

“You wouldn't swap winning?”

“Well I'm glad I won. I'm glad I have that and I got to enjoy it at the time, but would I swap now for then? No way.”

“You'd take sitting in my poky room over celebrating winning the Monaco Grand Prix.”

“Yep,” replied Mark defiantly. “Because I didn't get this then.”

“What?”

“This.”

 

Mark leaned in and kissed him so slowly that for a moment Sebastian forgot not just what a bad time he'd just had, but even where they were. As they came up for air Seb looked at him, feeling slightly dazed.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “See? Way better than jumping into cold water.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Yeah way better.”

“I'm pleased you think so.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling re-balanced.

“I'm so glad you're here this weekend Liebling. I know it might be hard and I hate that you'll be worrying, but I'm still selfishly glad you're here.”

“It's not selfish. I wouldn't be anywhere else darling. Okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Mark looked at his watch; half five.

“Do you still have work to do or can we make our escape?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“I'm not sure. Britta was going to check and get back to me.”

“Oh okay.” Mark looked at him, assessing how Seb was. “You feeling up to going back out, get some fresh air and a drink maybe?”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark smiled.

“I just abandoned DC. I guess I should say sorry.”

“My fault.”

“Nah. Will's fault for being insensitive. I'm gonna go find him and push him in.”

Sebastian smiled at him, glad for Mark's lighter tone.

“You don't mean it.”

Mark scrunched his nose.

“Maybe not the harbour. Maybe just the pool.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Right you are then darling. Come on.”

 

 

They ventured back outside and judging that Seb really was okay, Mark re-found his former companion. David looked at the two of them as he came back over from the people he had found to talk to in the interim.

“Oh hello. Everything okay?”

Mark smiled and nodded, though he stood with his arm around Seb.

“Fine mate.”

David gave them a flick of his eyebrows.

“That just how you always greet one another?”

“Yeah, nearly an hour apart. He just missed me, didn't you sweetheart?”

Sebastian gave him a coy smile and Mark shot him a wink to make him laugh. DC shook his head.

“Oh god you actually mean it don't you?” he despaired. “Remind me, how the hell did you keep being together quiet for so long?”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“Dunno mate. It's a mystery.” Mark spied a waitress and gave her a wave with his spare hand. “Hi, could we get a couple of waters? Thanks.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

 

The girl returned with their drinks and Mark made polite conversation with their friend again while Sebastian merely stood with him, letting himself re-settle into feeling normal. After ten minutes or so Britta appeared and Sebastian stepped over to one side to speak to her where they couldn't be overheard.

“Seb, are you really okay? That interview. I don't know what he was thinking going on like that.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'm okay. He just kind of blind-sided me.”

“Mm, I had a word. He did apologise.”

“Yeah.”

“I picked him because Will's usually okay. I'm sorry Seb.”

“I'm fine.”

“You're sure? I know it's been a long day and they've all been going on about last year.”

Seb nodded. The rest of his media encounters had involved references to then too, but the others had all focussed on the kiss not the crash, just as he had.

“Do we have anything else to do?” asked Sebastian.

Britta shook her head.

“No you're cleared. Maybe get an early night. You know we've got the social evening on here tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

Thursday night was always the big night as part of the Monaco race weekend as far as the teams were concerned. The unusual day off on the Friday gave everyone a bit of recovery time and allowed a few drinks to be shared without the usual consequences. Seb himself had no intention of actually drinking, but the day after was his focus too.

“Okay. We'll probably go then if we're not needed.”

“Sure.”

“Thanks Britta.”

 

Sebastian went back over to Mark and DC.

“We can go.”

“Great.”

David smiled over at them.

“You make that sound like early parole,” he joked.

“No, just an early night,” replied Seb, ignoring the grin he got in reply.

“I'm sure,” smiled David.

Mark shook his head, not wanting DC to tease Seb too much right now.

“Just a matter of priorities mate,” he stated, before looking back to Sebastian. “Right, shall we go then?”

“Yep.”

“See you around then.”

“Yeah, bye DC,” parted Seb.

“Bye.”

 

They went to grab their things from Sebastian's room, then left the occupants of the barge to their drinks and chit-chat, knowing they would have more than their fill of that the following night. As they made their way down the gang-plank onto the harbour and they turned in the direction of their hotel along the promenade, Mark looked over to see that behind them was the television crew finally clearing out. Will was at the front of the group and as their eyes met Mark set his jaw and glared at him before putting his arm around Seb and walking them away.

Will halted in his tracks mid-way down and his producer turned to him.

“Shit. If looks could kill,” she observed.

“I'd be dead in the water,” agreed Will with a sigh. “I really bolloxed that one up. Sorry Hils.”

“Seb is very sensitive these days,” she noted as they continued walking onto the promenade, a safe distance behind their former interviewee.

Will gave a shake of his head.

“With reason. Besides it's not Seb I'm worried about.”

“Oh?”

“Mm.”

“Don't fancy bumping into Mark in a dark alley later?”

Will gave her a look.

“I don't think I much want to bump into him in a lit alley this weekend.”  
  


They watched the Vettel-Webbers walk along in front of them, firmly paired together. Will secretly hoped they didn't turn around to see them there, but as they went along there wasn't so much as a backwards glance.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a busy time coming up, so I don't know how quickly chapters will follow, but I'll do my best.
> 
> Hope you liked this one. Let me know you've had chance to read and I'll try to get the second part up.


	135. Looking Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so umm as usual I got a bit carried away so my two-parter is now a three-parter. Hope you don't mind. It's something of an interlude, but I confess to rather enjoying it. Next bit (& final part of this chapter I promise) will follow soon.

* * *

  
  


  
  


The next day Sebastian was glad to get down to what felt like real work as he drove in free practice and worked with the team to set up the car for the race. Mark had assured him he was fine, but Seb still felt bad about him worrying and having to deal with bad associations with racing here, though he knew there was nothing either one of them could do except get on with things. When he got a quick break for lunch Sebastian checked again to be sure Mark was doing okay.

“You could always give Jenson a shout,” Seb offered.

Mark paused eating his lunch.

“We're seeing them tomorrow.”

“Yeah I know, but I just thought if you wanted some company?”

Mark put his fork down and took Seb's hand across the table.

“It's fine. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“As long as you are too?” checked Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“It's easier for me. I just have to drive. I guess it's that old thing about when the visor goes down.”

“Sure.”

“I feel a bit selfish for that.”

“Nah don't be daft. You're focussed on driving. That's exactly how I want it. I'm fine in the garage.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And you're going well, so we're not going to worry about anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. Then you can do all you need to on track, then tonight we'll do some quality sucking up to whoever the team want us to and tomorrow we get all to ourselves.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Can't wait, for tomorrow that is.”

“There we go then.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


Many hours later they were back on the RedBull barge, doing what Sebastian smiled to think of as Mark's description of 'quality sucking up' to all the honoured guests of the team who had been invited there for the evening. They tried to stick together where they could, but occasionally Seb found himself steered in a different direction and he made polite conversation with whoever he was put in front of before managing to find Mark once more. Over to one side Christian smiled as he saw this happen again and gave Dietrich a flick of his eyebrows.

“They don't like being parted do they?” noted his boss.

“No,” agreed Christian.

The two of them looked over to see the way the couple stood closely together whilst at the same time continuing to socialize with the group Mark had been with when Seb found him.

“It is surprising how quickly you become used to it,” commented Dietrich.

“Hm?”

“Seeing the pair of them together like this.”

“Oh. Well it's not exactly new for me.”

“No I suppose not. How is he doing this weekend?”

“Seb? Fine. He's always a pro.”

“The press?”

“Are doing exactly what we expected, but he's handling it.”

“I heard there was a difficult interview yesterday,” Dietrich reported.

Christian gave a shake of his head, wondering how it was that his boss seemed to hear everything one way or another.

“They just went a bit far. Seb's fine. He did good today.”

“Yes, I suppose that is the main thing.”

“I've given him some time off tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

“A break is good. He'll be better for the weekend proper.”

“I'm sure.”

“He won't let the media affect him this weekend and Mark's with him, so that's always better.”

“Mm.”

Christian saw the smile and matched it.

“Yes I know that was rather the issue this time last year, but you know something like that was always bound to happen.”

“Yes I suppose.”

“And without Mark I don't think we'd have Seb racing at all right now.”

Dietrich turned to him and frowned.

“What does that mean?”

Christian almost regretted saying it. There were any number of aspects in which he thought that was true, but plenty of them were still areas he thought best avoided, even with his boss.

“Well, after the accident. It was Mark who helped get him back on his feet. I mean literally. Seb worked incredibly hard, but he needed that support.”

Dietrich took a sip of his drink.

“I still do not know how he came back so quickly.”

“No, well that's what I mean. It's the pair of them together that makes it possible.”

His boss huffed a dry laugh.

“It is amusing to imagine how this would have been a few years ago.”

Christian smiled and shook his head.

“I think we would have had a different kind of nightmare on our hands than we ended up with. I'll take what we have now thanks.”

“Mm, I think perhaps you are right,” agreed Dietrich, “well I should go back to work.”

“Yes me too.”

Christian raised his glass to his boss and gave him a nod before moving to find some suitable targets to talk to. His turn to work the crowd.

 

  
  


 

 

It felt very late when Sebastian crawled into bed beside Mark. He shuffled in to lie against him and sighed as Mark fitted his arms around his body.

“Tired?” asked Mark.

“Yeah,” sighed Seb. “Feels like the longest day.”

“Mm. That's cos it is. Lie in tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Mmm.”

Sebastian stretched out his legs, then snuggled back into Mark.

“Can't wait for our day off.”

“Me too,” Mark agreed.

Sebastian let out another long sigh and Mark turned more to him.

“Wanna talk about it?” he checked.

Seb gave a little shake of his head.

“I'm sick of talking. I'm all talked out.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah okay.”

“I'm kind of sick of smiling every time they make their little jokes.”

“Who?”

“Everyone: the press, all those people tonight.”

“Were they being arseholes?” frowned Mark.

“No, not really, just, one person does it, it's fine. The thirtieth person...”

“Yeah.”

“And Britta's doing her thing. You know; _'he's only talking about work'_ ,” recounted Seb, making Mark smile with his worryingly accurate impression of his assistant.

“It's getting to you?”

“I'm trying not to let it.”

“Good.”

Sebastian shuffled up a little so he was facing Mark on the pillow.

“Liebling.”

“Yes.”

Seb looked over, a small furrow between his brows.

“We won't let the media anywhere near our baby will we?”

“No chance. They're not getting within a mile. Anyone tries anything and I won't be joking about pushing them into the harbour.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Good.”

He leaned in to give Mark a kiss.

“Thank you.”

“What, for offering to push someone into the harbour?”

“No. For working tonight so we get tomorrow off.”

“Ah.”

“Although that too.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a tickle on his side. Sebastian giggled tiredly.

“Oh Liebling. I just... in the morning.”

Mark relented and smoothed over Sebastian's waist instead.

“Okay. Let's just sleep then.”

“I need to switch my brain off,” complained Sebastian.

Mark raised his hand and stroked Seb's hair to soothe him.

“Sleep darling. We'll have a nice day tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

 

Seb took in a slow breath and let it out as he closed his eyes, pushing everything else away apart from the comfort of being with Mark like this.

“Nobody will come near our baby will they?” Seb murmured sleepily.

“No darling. I won't let them. Don't worry about that.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Harbour.”

“Mmm.”

“Splosh,” smiled Mark.

A sleepy smile drifted onto Seb's face, though he was too tired to open his eyes.

“Yeah. Thank you Liebling.”

That worry resolved, Sebastian started drifting off as he rested into Mark's shoulder. Mark kissed his forehead and stroked his hair once more until Seb fell asleep.

“No one goes anywhere near my family,” he stated resolutely. “No one.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian woke the next morning and stretched out alongside Mark while his brain woke up, reminding himself where they were. Not home. Mark though. Mark here with him and they had a day off. A lovely day off. Sebastian smiled and opened his eyes to see Mark smiling back at him.

“Morning darling.”

“Morning Liebling.”

Mark pulled him in closer and Seb stroked his hand over Mark's chest under the duvet.

“What time is it?”

“Hm?”

“What time is it?” repeated Seb.

Mark smiled, distracted by Sebastian's wandering hand.

“Hmm?”

Sebastian laughed at the same time as sending his hand a little lower.

“What, time, is it?”

Mark laughed with him and smoothed his hand over Seb's side down to his hip.

“Early.”

“How early?”

Mark sighed and pulled away for a moment to reach for his phone to check.

“Ten past eight,” he reported.

“Oh.”

“Mmm. So we've no rush.”

“Good.”

“No rush at all,” teased Mark, moving his hand over Seb's skin as slowly as he could to emphasise his point.

 

Sebastian took in a happy breath and waited until Mark stilled his hand before moving to shift to lie on top of Mark.

“Not tired anymore then?” teased Mark.

Seb set his hands either side of Mark and lifted up for a second to look at him, just to see Mark grinning before lowering back down to kiss him, smiling into it as he felt Mark's hands were the ones that were wandering now.

As Sebastian lifted away with a sigh for air he pressed his hips a little further into Mark, their eyes locked on one another's. Mark flexed his hips up to meet him and ran his hands over the back of Seb's thighs, neither one of them knowing if Seb moved or he parted them, but the little involuntary gasp Seb let out succeeded in spurring both of them on. Sebastian let his forehead drop into Mark's as they began to kiss more fervently as they moved together.

“I'm too hot,” exclaimed Sebastian, making Mark laugh, but he meant it: His skin felt as though it was on fire and Seb reached over to cast the duvet off onto the floor.

His chest was heaving as Seb dropped back down into Mark.

“You okay?” Mark checked.

“Yeah, just...”

Sebastian let out a sigh against him and Mark could feel how fast his heart was beating already. He took a deep breath and decided they had better slow things down, so he stilled for a moment waiting for Seb to recover himself and then slowly moved his head to rub his nose against Sebastian's, loving the way that always made him smile, only then going back to kiss him more gently. Mark raised a hand to tousle though Seb's hair and started to aim further on from his mouth, kissing along Seb's jaw and delighting in the noises that he made as he worked his way down Seb's neck to find that perfect spot where his pulse jumped, going on there until gasps grew higher in pitch and Mark thought he could hold on no longer.

He put his arms around Sebastian and turned them so Mark lay on top, Seb so far gone already that he hardly noticed they had switched positions until he let his head fall back on the pillow, the whole room spinning. Mark could see the way Seb's pupils were dilated. He put a hand at the side of his face.

“You're beautiful. You know that? You're _so_ beautiful.”

Seb let the rest of the world spin away and focussed only on Mark's face. He just had to hold onto him.

“Mein Fels.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and Mark gave him another quick kiss before pushing up a moment to reach into the drawer beside the bed for what he needed before returning to Seb, helping to shift him so he could begin to touch him, kissing wherever he could at the same time to help ease Seb into it.

Sebastian fitted his arms around Mark and lifted his legs to wrap around him too. He just wanted to envelop him completely, to make sure he had tight hold so he could let go in every other way. Just let go, let everything go, let his body relax as it needed to and let everything else go away apart from Mark so he could feel him, all of him, and nothing else.

 

  
  


Mark could see Seb's eyes had fallen shut, his breathing heavy as he stayed pressed in tight. He slowed to a stop and let himself appreciate the way he could feel everything as they were a part of one another; The way Seb's muscles quivered as he hung onto him, the way Seb's heart pounded in his chest and Mark was sure he could feel the blood as it rushed through his veins, the heat in his breath and flutters inside him. He could feel all of him, all of his Seb and it was glorious.

He rested down into his elbows and simply placed his cheek by Sebastian's. Mark's heart was pounding too. He just needed to let their hearts beat together until they calmed. Mark heard Seb let out a little sigh so he lifted his head to look at him, smiling to see Sebastian gazing at him.

“I'm crushing you.”

Sebastian shook his head, but he loosened his hold on Mark and let his legs drop down onto the mattress.

“Just stay.”

“Okay darling.”

Seb still felt spaced out and floaty. He barely felt Mark's weight except to know that it felt good to have him there and to hang on to the feeling that he had all of Mark like this. All of him as they blended into one so perfectly Seb didn't want to let go.

“Stay,” breathed Seb.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“I'm not going anywhere,” he promised.

He looked down into Sebastian's eyes to see how blue they looked again.

“No rush,” Mark whispered.

  
  


  
  


It was some time before they finally persuaded themselves to get up and shower, before dressing and calling down for the brunch that they'd had in mind since arriving. The staff member brought it out and set the food out on the little table on the balcony just as they asked. Mark waited until they were gone before shifting the table over so it was up to the railing, enabling them to put their chairs together so they could sit close. Theoretically it was so they could look out at the view, but in the end they spent more time looking at each other.

Sebastian leaned into Mark's side as they sipped coffee. He let out a long sigh and Mark turned his head to look at him.

“Okay?”

“Mmm.”

Mark smiled and put his arm around Seb.

“All race weekends should have a day off in the middle,” he proposed.

Sebastian huffed a laugh and stretched up to kiss him on the cheek.

“We'd be away longer then.”

“Mm but this is nice isn't it?”

“Very nice Liebling. Only if you're here though.”

“Ah well, guess that's true.”

Seb laughed again and reached to tickle Mark's side making him jump and nearly spill his coffee.

“Ah, Seb, no I just meant I'd want you home as soon as possible.”

“I know. Same,” agreed Sebastian. He let out another sigh and settled back in. “We don't have to be apart for nearly two months.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“What never?”

“Tsk, you know what I mean.”

“I do darling. It's good and then not again until the autumn, so we'll be fine.”

“Yeah.”

“We've not booked our holiday yet.”

“Hmm.”

“What?” frowned Mark.

“No it's just I wonder whether we might need to be doing anything for the adoption agency.”

“Like what?”

Seb shrugged against him.

“I don't know, meetings, more visits.”

“Sweetheart they can't need to do them constantly.”

“No I suppose.”

“Look, why don't we leave it a while and see how we're getting on? If you're worried we need to be around we don't have to go away.”

“Hm. It'd be nice to have a holiday though.”

Mark laughed and shook his head at Seb being contradictory.

“Sorry,” apologised Seb. “It would be nice to go away for a bit though. Our holiday last year was so important.”

“Yeah it was. Okay well I'm sure we'll have made progress by then.”

“Yeah.”

“You never know, they might even take holidays themselves,” smiled Mark.

“I guess. Okay well yeah, you're right, we can book something nearer the time,” Seb agreed.

“Where would you like to go?”

“I don't care.”

“You don't care?”

“No, just as long as you're there.”

Mark turned his head further and dropped his forehead into Seb's.

“I consider that a pretty fundamental requirement myself,” he noted.

Sebastian looked into his teasing eyes that were so close and rubbed his nose into Mark's until Mark kissed him and lifted away.

“Fine,” agreed Seb. “Somewhere sunny.”

“Righto. Sunny we can do.”

“Where we can lie together and relax and nobody bothers us.”

“Sounds perfect. Desert island it is,” smiled Mark.

“Sure Liebling, fine by me.”

 

  
  


  
  


It was another hour before they left their hotel room and set off to find Jenson and Jess's apartment. Mark tried to follow Jenson's texted directions, but they were so confusing they ended up completely off course and he ended up having to put the address into the maps function on his phone to try to guide them there.

“Never mind Liebling,” consoled Seb, seeing Mark getting annoyed that they had just gone in a circle. “It's a nice day.”

“Hmm. Good job we're not on a deadline here.”

“No rush. This is our day off.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a quick kiss before fitting his arm around him, Sebastian putting his arm around Mark's waist in turn so they could walk along wrapped up in one another as they wandered the confusingly similar narrow streets filled with tall apartment buildings crammed into the over-populated principality.

It was a sunny day with all the pressures of work and concerns of the real world firmly shut out. The two of them wanted to hang on to the hazy feeling of being lost in each other. Sebastian let his head lean into Mark's shoulder and they both ignored the people they passed on the principality's streets as they went about their own business.

Mark looked down at the map on his phone again.

“Think we're getting warmer,” he noted.

Sebastian looked at the map and nodded.

“We must be nearly there now. Well done Liebling.”

Mark smiled and Seb stretched up to kiss him, then noticed a street sign.

“Oh look, there it is.”

“Ah hah. Bloody hell, finally!” exclaimed Mark.

He went to stride across the road, taking Sebastian's hand in his as they picked up their speed to reach their destination.

 

They looked at the panel outside the main front door to the building, scanning for the number of their friends' apartment that Jenson had at least included on his text to help them. There were no names attached, but when Seb pressed the buzzer, Jenson's voice crackled through.

“Hello?”

“Jenson it's us,” greeted Seb.

“Yeah let us up,” Mark instructed.

As they stepped out of the lift on the correct floor it was to see a door already opening and Jenson's head popping out to look for them.

“Ah there you are!” he greeted cheerily. “I thought you said midday.”

Mark shook his head as Sebastian went ahead to meet Jenson and then step through the door to enveloped by an enthusiastic hug from Jessica. Jenson gave Mark a quicker hug and pat on the back.

“What took you?”

Sebastian stood back as Jess let him go.

“We needed a lie in.”

“Oh?” smiled Jenson.

Mark gave him a look.

“You're the reason we're late. Honestly what were those directions? I swear we walked round nearly every street in Monaco to get here.

“Jenson,” sighed Jess.

“I thought they were pretty clear,” defended her husband. “Did you get lost?”

“We didn't get lost,” stated Seb. “We just ended up taking the scenic route.”

“Hmm, you could say that. Frankly I don't know how Jense manages to find his way around a circuit. Don't ever take up rallying will you,” advised Mark.

Jenson laughed good-naturedly and shrugged.

“I just think you're no good at interpreting my very clear instructions.”

“You're here now,” settled Jess. “Will you have a drink?”

“Oh, thanks. Water please. Mark?”

“Same.”

Jessica went to fetch them all some drinks from the kitchen area and brought them over to where Jenson had led them to sit on the large sofas where they could see out towards the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the area down to the harbour. This apartment block was uphill from their hotel and the views were even better. As they sipped their drinks and chatted, Sebastian glanced around, taking in the modern furnishing and stylish clean lines of the apartment.

“Are you going to show us round then?” prompted Mark.

Jenson huffed a laugh.

“Show you around? Yeah that won't take long.”

Jess smiled and stood up.

“I'll show you, but actually he's right. This is mostly it. Open plan you see, so that's the kitchen.” She indicated to the kitchenette area behind them. “Dining and lounge all in one so at least you get a feeling of space.”

 

Mark and Sebastian took it in. Besides the kitchenette and the two large sofas with a huge wide-screen television in front, there was a modern looking dining table with high-backed chairs to the side. They followed Jess over to where a door led into the bedroom with another door off that.

“And then that's the bathroom,” she explained. “So it's not exactly a long tour.”

“It's very nice though,” praised Seb. “All this light makes it feel open.”

“Thanks. It's pretty different to your place, but we have what we need.”

“Course.”

“There's a balcony here,” pointed out Jenson, sliding open what looked like a plate-glass window to lead them outside onto a balcony where a couple of sun-chairs were placed. “Nice to catch a few rays,” he noted, “though I don't suppose your dogs would cope here.”

“God no,” agreed Mark. “They need room to run about. So do I for that matter.”

Sebastian laughed and leaned into Mark's side as they stood looking out at the view.

“We like it though,” commented Jess.

“Of course.”

As Jess pointed out some things they could see from their vantage point, Jenson leaned closer to Mark.

“It might be pretty bijou, but you don't want to know what this place cost,” he noted darkly.

“I can only imagine.”

“You don't want to.”

“It's nice, very well laid out,” complimented Sebastian.  
  


Jess smiled at him as she led them back through into the lounge area.

“We've got enough room for what we need. Are you guys still free for dinner tonight?”

“Yes we're looking forward to it.”

“Good.”

“It's nice to be away from work.”

“I'm sure.”

“How's that all going?” asked Jenson.

“Fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“We're happy to leave all that behind today to be honest mate,” added Mark.

“Course.”

Jenson took the hint and changed the subject.

“So then, you guys still up for a little pootle out?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

Jenson glanced over at the way the pair had gone back to standing leaning in with their arms slipped around each other's waists.

“That's assuming you two can unglue yourselves,” he teased.

Jess huffed and batted at his arm.

“Jenson behave.”

“I'm joking. They know I'm joking,” he defended, looking over to the other two who, although Mark had rolled his eyes at his friend's joshing, weren't showing any signs of moving apart.

“We don't have to go for a bike ride,” offered Jess. “We could take the car out and go along the coast.”

“We could bob over the border and get a really decent coffee,” offered Jenson. “I know couple of nice cafés to hang out at.”

“Is it close?” checked Mark.

“Mm not far, half hour drive maybe. Or we can cycle. Whatever you like.”

“We don't need passports do we?”

“Nope you're fine.”

“Where do you keep your bikes?” enquired Seb.

“Oh I have a space down in the basement off where the car-park is.”

“Ah right.”

“So what do you fancy then?”

Sebastian looked to Mark, knowing he usually liked to go for a ride.

“What do you want to do Liebling?”

“I'm easy. I take it you have enough bikes to go around Jense?”

“Yeah although I think we'd have to adjust one for Seb. No offence mate.”

Seb shrugged and shook his head. He was used to being the shorter one. Mark looked to him and wondered whether something more relaxing might not be better.

“That seems a bit of a faff. Why don't we do what Jess said?”

“Yeah?”

“As long as everyone's happy with that?” checked Jess.

“Sure,” agreed Sebastian.

“I'll just be glad to get away from all these crowds,” admitted Mark.

“Right you are then. We'll do that,” settled Jenson.

 

The other two took a few minutes sorting themselves out ready to leave while Mark and Seb waited. As Jenson found his car keys Mark called over.

“You have got sat-nav on your car haven't you mate?”

“Very funny. Right, we ready?”

“We are.”

“Jess?”

Jenson called through to the bedroom from where his wife emerged carrying a jacket.

“Ready. Sorry guys. Just in case the weather turns.”

Jenson glanced out at the clear blue sky outside and was tempted to say something about his wife being incapable of deciding on any one outfit, but he chose to keep the peace.

“Right. I'll go get the car outta the garage, you meet us on the street.”

He left them with a nod while Jessica found her handbag and made sure she had her things together ready to leave. Sebastian looked at her as she folded her jacket over her arm.

“You don't think the weather's likely to change do you?” asked Seb. “I can't say we looked at the forecast before coming out.”

Jessica looked at the pair of them dressed in long shorts and t-shirts compared to her own capri pants and top.

“Don't worry about it. I'm sure we'll be fine. Shall we go then?”

“Sure.”

 

They went down and stood on the pavement to see Jenson pulling out of a tiny exit, manoeuvring his open-top Porsche sportscar up a steep slope from the basement garage and pulling a sharp left onto the road with what even Mark had to admit was a skilful bit of driving. He stopped beside them and smiled over.

“Hey.”

“Very nice,” complimented Sebastian.

Jenson smiled over, resting his arm along the passenger seat beside him.

“Yeah she's not bad is she? Nice to be able to have the top down.” He glanced to the small backseat which was plainly an afterthought when designing the car. “Who's going in the back? Mark will your legs fit in there?”

Mark looked in. It was going to be a squeeze, but he would rather sit with Seb than stretch out in the front next to Jenson.

“Nah I'll be fine.”

“You sure?” checked Jess. “I don't mind.”

“We'll fit in won't we sweetheart?”

“Course,” agreed Seb.

Jessica opened up the door and folded the passenger seat forwards so they could climb in. Mark had to turn slightly so his legs could stretch out angled over to the side, but Seb merely used the excuse to lean into him. As Jessica belted herself in Jenson turned around to look at the pair in the back.

“You look cosy. No making out on the backseat while I'm driving.”

Mark tsk'd. “We're not teeangers.”

Jess turned around too.

“Do you need more space? I can try to shift my seat forward a bit.”

Mark shook his head.

“We're fine.”

“How d'you like her then?”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Very nice.”

Jenson patted the steering wheel.

“Yeah, perks of the job. I can't complain.”

Sebastian turned his head and whispered into Mark's ear.

“I think yours is nicer Liebling.”

Mark chuckled and Jenson turned back around.

“What was that?”

“Oh nothing,” dismissed Mark. “Reminds me we should take mine out for a spin more often.”

“Yours a convertible?”

Mark shook his head.

“No, don't suppose you'd get so much use of that in England,” noted Jenson.

“Not every day for sure, but we have our moments.”

“Sure. Right, well let's just head along the coast road. I know a few nice places we can head for.”

  
  


They set off driving along the tight and crowded streets of Monte Carlo, crawling along the busy roads filled with visitors for the most hectic weekend of the year. Sebastian studiously avoided catching the eye of anyone looking their way as they moved at walking pace for several minutes fighting their way through traffic. He was thankful that the area was so used to seeing fancy cars that another expensive sportscar drew little attention. They drove on until they finally reached the edge of built-up area and the road opened out by the coast heading east.

Along this way they went by more coastal developments, hotels and expensive apartment blocks, but there were fewer people about and soon they passed a sign saying they were leaving Monaco heading back into France and they began to travel through smaller towns and villages. Sebastian saw a sign that took his mind back to the issues they faced back home, but he pushed that aside, not wanting to let anything spoil their day. Mark had seen it too though. He didn't say anything, instead he simply fitted his arm around Seb and pulled him a little closer, tilting his head to look to be sure he was okay. Seb gave him a smile back then looked out at the view.

The coast road was veering upwards, the sea falling away as the road clung to the cliff-side and the wind blew through their hair. To Seb it felt as if that clean wind blew everything else away; All the stresses of the race weekend, all the constant niggles of the media and their obsession with the past he wanted to leave behind, all the worries at home. Just like the clogged streets of Monte Carlo, everything was left far behind them as they sped along. Mark's arm around him, the view beautiful, the sky clear. Sebastian made his mind go as clear as that azure sky and let a smile sit on his face as they flew further on.

  
  


  
  


Both Sebastian and Mark were so intent on relaxing and enjoying the view that neither of them noticed that they had crossed another border until Jenson drove them into a small village, pulling up to a halt outside a café with tables and chairs set out to the side. As they climbed out Mark looked up at the café sign and the offerings advertised in front and stared for a moment trying to translate the words in his head. The words weren't in French. It took a moment, then it hit him. They were in Italian. They had crossed over into Italy. Mark felt his stomach drop away.

He turned to Sebastian and saw the same realisation cross his face. Jenson was busy prattling on about how this place served the best coffee for miles around and how he and his cycling gang often spent an afternoon peddling in this direction, travelling twenty miles just for the reward. Mark took a step away and pulled gently on Seb's arm to get him to come with him.

“You okay?” he asked quietly.

Sebastian nodded and gave a little shrug.

“Fine. I just I hadn't realised where we were.”

“Me either. Are you sure you're okay?”

Sebastian nodded again and gave Mark a smile.

“As long as you are.”

Mark smiled reassuringly and rubbed his arm.

“It's just a place.”

“Yeah.”

Jenson had finally noticed that they weren't listening to him talking and frowned at Jess, then them.

“You guys okay?”

Mark looked at him.

“Mm.”

Jenson saw that Mark's arm had gone back around Sebastian. In itself this was hardly unusual, but there was something about the _way_ they stood together.

“What is it?”

Mark rubbed a hand at his jaw.

“Just, Italy mate. We hadn't realised.”

Jenson was about to comment how little they paid attention to the borders around here when it finally struck him.

“Oh shit.”

By his side Jess took in a horrified gasp as she too realised their mistake.

“It's just we've not been back, that's all,” continued Mark.

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I could be so stupid,” apologised Jenson, feeling mortified at his thoughtlessness. “Oh guys I'm sorry. I just didn't think. We'll go back.”

Sebastian shook his head and with a glance to Mark to be sure, addressed the others.

“No it's fine, really. It's just a country. We'll be here in a couple of months anyway.”

Mark puffed a breath not wishing to think of that at all. Coming Italy to watch Sebastian race was going to be horrendous, but this wasn't Monza, it was just a random café in a random village that really could be anywhere on the Mediterranean.

Jess stepped in to them and put her hand on Sebastian's arm.

“We shouldn't have come. I didn't think either. We can head back, go the other way.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Don't worry about it, really. It's not the same. We're fine here.”

Mark gave him a little squeeze, not wanting to let this become a big deal if it didn't have to be. He looked once more to be sure Sebastian was okay then looked to the other pair openly.

“It's fine. We could use a decent coffee couldn't we darling?”

“Yeah I'm gasping,” confirmed Seb. “Shall we sit outside?”

Jenson paused another moment, then nodded and led them to find a good table away from the few others patrons that were sat outside on a warm May afternoon. As they walked ahead of the other pair he shot his wife a look and shook his head while she did the same, then fixed on a smile as they sat down, Mark and Sebastian setting their seats right next to one another.

 

It took a few more minutes of slightly awkward chat as they all tried to repair the mood, but the sun was warm and the coffee was indeed excellent and as they drank and relaxed, all four succeeding in forgetting where they were once more. When the waiter had taken their order and brought their drinks Sebastian and Mark couldn't fail to notice the look in his eye that told them he recognised them, but he made no comment and went about his work. Presumably he was somewhat inured to racing drivers frequenting this establishment, though perhaps none quite so well-known as them. As they finished up and paid their bill Mark felt sufficiently settled to remark on Jenson surprising him by being able to converse in Italian.

“Only enough to order what I need,” Jenson excused.

Sebastian thanked the waiter as he took their money and Mark smiled at him.

“Course Seb's the linguist in our family.”

Sebastian smiled back at him.

“Not really. Mark's great at German these days.”

“Are you?” smiled Jenson. “Guess that's not such a surprise.”

“Just enough to get by with family and work. It's easier the more you do it. I'd never have thought I could manage it, but I guess you surprise yourself with what you can pick up if you've a mind to.”

“You're very good Liebling,” assured Sebastian.

“Mm, though I suspect your family speak more slowly so I can follow.”

“Ach no they don't.” Sebastian looked over to the other pair sat opposite them at the table. “Mark's great at anything he decides to do.”

Jenson smiled, wondering what that was referring to, but Seb had looked back to Mark.

“You're very adaptable. I'm sure you'll be good at whatever you take on.”

Mark smiled back, then caught sight of Jenson grinning and defiantly gave Sebastian a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you sweetheart. Right, are we done here then?”

“Yep,” agreed Jenson.

“Um, actually I might just nip to the loo,” excused Seb.

“Yeah me too,” agreed Mark. “Might as well while we're here.”

 

The two disappeared inside and Jess turned to her husband.

“Oh how could we be so stupid?” she despaired.

“They seem okay,” defended Jenson.

“Yeah I suppose.”

“They're fine now. I think it was just the realisation of where we were.” He shrugged and let out a sigh. “There's always something with them.”

“Ah Jense that's not fair.”

“I didn't mean it's their fault. It's just the way it is.”

“Well it's our job to cheer them up. I think Seb's bound to be having a bit of a time this weekend.”

“They certainly never stop going on about him on the coverage I've watched,” agreed Jenson.

“Well don't say that to them.”

“I've no intention of doing so.”

“Hmm.”

“They'll be fine. You're right, we'll gee them up a bit.”

Jess nodded, looking over to see if the other two were coming back yet.

  
  


Stood in the small café bathroom, Mark was busy giving Seb a firm hug out of sight. He put his hand to the side of Sebastian's face and looked into his eyes.

“I'm really okay,” assured Sebastian. “We can't live our lives hung up on the past.”

“No I suppose not.”

“And you're alright?”

Mark nodded.

“It was just the shock.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian moved to give Mark another hug.

“It's okay. Maybe it's best. You know, to have been back before we have to be here for the race.”

“Yeah.”

“I know that'll be really hard for you Liebling.”

“Yeah,” sighed Mark.

“You don't have to come,” offered Seb.

Mark huffed a dry laugh and shook his head.

“Are you out of your mind? Of course I'll be there.”

“Okay well we'll worry about that nearer the time. For now let's forget it. We can't let a whole country be a problem for us.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Very wise sweetheart.”

He leaned in and gave Seb a kiss, then let out a laugh.

“Come on, before people wonder what on earth we're up to in here.”

Sebastian put his hand to his mouth and laughed.  
  


As Mark and Sebastian headed back outside they were holding hands and Jenson and Jess thought they looked considerably improved.

“We were thinking of going on down along to where we could sit on the beach,” offered Jessica, “but I don't know if you'd rather go back?”

“Oh no the beach sounds nice,” assured Sebastian. “As long as it's not too busy.”

“No it's quieter over this way,” promised Jenson.

“All crowded into Monaco this weekend,” suggested Mark.

“Yeah I guess that's true. Right then, on we go.”

  
  


They piled back into the car and drove off further along the coast road, the land dipping down lower as they went along until they were almost level with the sea which shone brightly as it reflected the blue sky above. After another fifteen minutes or so Jenson pulled up to a halt in a small car-park. Jess pulled out her handbag to brush her hair and Jenson laughed at the state of it.

“Nice to feel the wind in your hair,” he teased

“I should have brought a scarf,” complained Jessica as she tried to untangle her long hair.

Sebastian felt his own hair which had been blown around and ran his fingers through it to try to re-tidy it. Mark grinned and sent him a wink that made Seb smile and drop his hand, knowing that Mark didn't worry about such things.

 

As soon as Jess had set herself to rights they climbed out and made their way over the small rocky area dividing the land from the beach. There were a few people about, but as Friday was a work day, just as Jenson had promised, it wasn't too busy. They walked in pairs alongside down the sand, making small talk about the party Mark and Seb planned for the summer and Jenson's latest triathlon attempts.

“It's lovely here,” commented Sebastian.

“Yeah,” agreed Jenson. “Gets busy in the season over this way, but we're not quite into all that yet.”

Sebastian looked at the waves splashing up the beach just a few feet away.

“Is the water cold do you reckon?”

“This early in the year, probably a bit nippy,” Jenson advised.

Sebastian looked along the beach, noting that most people were sunbathing rather than actually swimming. Mark smiled and raised an eyebrow to him.

“Fancy going in?”

Sebastian laughed and shrugged.

“Maybe not swimming,” he deferred.

“Dare you.”

Seb shook his head.

“A paddle?”

“Yeah go on.”

“Are you going in the water?” asked Jess.

Sebastian shrugged, but he was smiling at Mark and moments later they were both pulling off trainers and making tentative steps towards where the sand was damp. Sebastian took Mark's hand and pulled him on to first get their toes wet, then take a couple of steps in, shouting and laughing as the cold waves swelled around their legs sending them running back out again.

 

Jess looked to her husband, about to joke about what big kids they were when she saw him bend down to pull his own shoes off to join them. She sighed, then shrugged to herself and took her sandals off, rolled up her trousers as best she could and took a short sprint into the sea, shrieking even louder than the others at how cold it felt.

They messed around in the water, amusing themselves by daring each other to go deeper until they were nearly knee-deep.

“Ahh!” called out Seb as a wave rushed by, getting the edge of his shorts wet.

Mark laughed and Seb pretended to glower at him.

“It's not fair, you're taller than me.”

“Ah poor darling.”

Mark stepped in towards him, then grabbed Sebastian around the waist and lifted him up making him yell as Mark turned, seeming to threaten to drop him in the deeper water.

Sebastian pushed vainly at him.

“Mark, Mark no, it's cold! Mark!”

Mark laughed and turned them back around to safely deposit Sebastian into the shallower water, Seb still complaining and batting at his arm.

“Oh my god Mark.”

Mark was laughing too hard to pay attention, so Sebastian gave him a shove in revenge, catching him off-guard and very nearly sending Mark over into the water. Seb had to grab hold of him in turn to prevent Mark falling and soon the pair of them were leaning into each other laughing helplessly.

“Bloody hell you two,” grinned Jenson. “You are like teeangers.”

“Ah no we're not,” defended Mark, leading Sebastian to the edge of the water where the other two were stood. “We're only mucking about.”

“Course you are,” agreed Jess. “God you're right though, that water's freezing.”

“I should have brought my wetsuit,” noted Jenson.

“Reminds me of when we were on holiday,” commented Seb. “When we went surfing, do you remember Liebling?”

“I do,” agreed Mark. He glanced out at the smaller waves washing in. “Don't think we'd get very far trying to surf here though.”

“No guess not.”

Jessica turned and looked further up the beach were at the edge there was another small touristy café.

“Do you think it's open?” she wondered.

Jenson looked over.

“Should be. Do you want something?”

“Um, I was just thinking they might have a bathroom. I should have gone when you guys did,” admitted Jess.

“Ah right. I'll come with you. You guys are okay here aren't you?”

“More than okay,” agreed Mark.

 

They waded out of the water and while Jess and Jenson walked on along the beach, Mark and Sebastian sat down where the sand was dry. Mark set his hands back down behind him and leaned into them to stretch out.

“This is nice isn't it?”

Seb sat turned into him and nodded.

“Yeah. I'm glad we came.”

“Mm.”

“We can't get completely hung up about the past.”

“No course not,” concurred Mark.

He sat up a little and leaned in to kiss Sebastian on the cheek.

“The future, that's what we're looking to isn't it?”

“Yeah.”

Seb looked over in the direction that the other two had walked.

“I'd like to tell them about our plans Liebling.”

“Mm.”

“You know we can trust them.”

“Yeah.” Mark turned his head to look where the others had gone, then turned back to Seb. “I know what you mean sweetheart, but the thing is with Jenson being at Porsche.”

“You don't want them to find out.”

“Not just yet.”

“I'm sure Jenson wouldn't say anything.”

“No, but... it's I just don't like having to ask him to keep it a secret. It doesn't feel right, not if he'd have to be thinking of that when he's in work.”

“Oh, yeah I suppose.”

“It's not that I don't trust him.”

“No course.” Sebastian let out a long breath. “Everything's always so tangled.”

“Mm.”

Mark shrugged his shoulders.

“Maybe we can tell them when we're a bit further on, yeah?” he offered.

“Yeah sure.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course that's fine. You're right, it's not fair to ask Jense to keep things from his work.”

“Alright then,” agreed Mark. “We will tell them in time.”

“Sure.” Sebastian looked over to Mark. “It's not bothering you when you're in work is it?”

“Hm? No don't worry about that. It's fine.”

“Okay then.”

 

Mark looked back at the blue sea meeting the blue sky, pure and clear and free of complications. The sun was warm as it shone down on them and it seemed to ease all other things away.

“Come on, let's take another dip,” suggested Mark, pushing himself up and offering out a hand to Seb.

They braved the water once more and messed about a little before making their way further along the beach, staying ankle-deep in the sea as they grew accustomed to the temperature, slowly heading in the direction Jessica and Jenson had gone.

  
  


  
  


Up at the café Jenson stood around waiting on Jess coming back out. He looked at what was on offer in there to kill time until he heard a cough and turned.

“Alright there?” smiled Jess.

“Hm? Oh yeah.”

“Tempted?” she teased.

Jenson laughed. “Ah well maybe. Perhaps we should have a little treat?”

“Yeah why not?” agreed Jess.

They went round to be served and then walked back out, pausing at the edge of the beach as they looked for their friends.

“There they are,” pointed out Jess, seeing they had made their way further along.

Jenson smiled and shook his head at the sight; the two of them were mucking about in the water again. He laughed, but Jess sighed.

“They're so adorable those two.”

Jenson looked at her.

“I don't think they'd like to be called adorable.”

“Well they are.”

“I'm just glad they've cheered up.”

“Jenson that was our fault for being so dense bringing them into Italy without thinking.”

“I know, I know. I just didn't realise.”

“Well never mind now. Come on.”

 

Jess indicated over and they walked down the beach to meet them, smiling at one another as they came to a stop a few feet away on the dry sand and looked at the sight before them. Mark and Sebastian were stood facing with their arms loosely around each other's waists as they stood in the water, seemingly oblivious to their friends' return as they had eyes only for each other. Jenson grinned at Jess and shrugged.

“Ach hem,” he coughed loudly, succeeding in getting the two to look over.

“Oh hey,” smiled Sebastian as they let go of one another and stepped out.

“What've you got there then?” smiled Mark looking at the contents of Jess and Jenson's full hands.

“A little treat for a sunny day,” offered Jess.

“Seeing as we're being big kids,” Jenson added.

“They look impressive,” smiled Sebastian eyeing the filled ice-cream cones.

“Genuine Italian gelato,” announced Jenson happily.

“Yes, we have a selection,” continued Jess. “You can have your pick; I've got chocolate and strawberry, and Jenson's got mint-choc-chip and caramel,” she turned to indicate the cones he was holding and then arched an eyebrow. “Which Jenson is licking already.”

“They're dripping!”

Jess sighed and the other two laughed.

“Right,” she amended. “So that'll be strawberry or chocolate. Hope they're okay?”

“We took a punt,” added Jenson, still wiping away the evidence of his stolen lick from his chin.

“Either's fine,” assured Mark. “Seb?”

Seb smiled, guessing that Mark would prefer chocolate.

“I'll have the strawberry. It looks lovely, thank you.”

Jess handed out the ice-creams to them, then turned to her husband to see him sneaking another lick of the toffee-coloured one.

“I take it I'm having the mint then?” she asked, Jenson guiltily licking the ice-cream away from his lips before handing the other one over.

 

They walked back along the beach eating their ice-creams until they reached the spot where they had left their shoes.

“Good job no one nicked them,” noted Mark.

“Ha, yeah.”

“Let's sit down a bit,” suggested Jessica and they all rested down into the sand to enjoy finishing their treat in the sunshine.

Jenson smiled over at his wife.

“Model eats ice-cream,” he joked. “Quick, take a photo.”

Jess rolled her eyes at him.

“Sportsmen eat ice-cream, take many photos.”

“Ah you got me.”

Jess pulled a face at him and returned to finish off the last of her ice-cream as the other did the same.

“Mm, delicious,” smiled Sebastian. “I can't remember the last time I had one.”

“Me too,” agreed Mark.

“Well everyone deserves a treat now and then,” asserted Jessica. “It's good for the soul.”

Jenson huffed a laugh.

“Very deep.”

“Ah she's right though,” insisted Sebastian. “It does feel good. It's so nice to get away from it all.”

“True,” agreed Mark. “Just to get some space.”

“Mark doesn't like being cooped up, do you Liebling?”

“No, well, Monaco's a bit mad isn't it?”

“It's not always like that,” argued Jenson.

“No I suppose not,” Mark accepted. “Still not for us though is it?”

He looked to Seb who gave a shake of his head.

“We like the countryside.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sure Monaco has it's attractions though,” offered Seb, not wanting to offend their friends.

“It's got some fabulous boutiques,” noted Jess.

The other three laughed and Jessica sighed.

“Oh dear, wrong crowd.”

“Sorry Jess,” apologised Seb.

Jessica smiled and shrugged.

“I need more girlfriends.”

“Sorry again.”

Jess shook her head.

“Ah no I'm very glad to have you. Who else would I hang out with when our boys are driving round in circles all day?”

Sebastian licked his fingers clean from the last of the dripped ice-cream and turned more to her.

“You will be at Le Mans won't you?”

“Ah well I'm working at the start of the week. It's a pain, but I can't get back until the Friday.”

“Oh right.”

“It's an ongoing contract. I just couldn't get out of it.”

“It's fine,” assured Jenson. “Nothing exciting to see until then anyway.”

“Hmm. I'd like to be there for quali at least,” admitted Jess. “I'm going to see what I can do.”

“Jessy it's fine,” repeated Jenson.

 

They looked at one another and Mark and Sebastian guessed this was a conversation they'd had more than once. They weren't the only ones with complicated lives.

“Well I shall be very glad to have you there with me for the race,” noted Seb, trying to shift the conversation.

Jess smiled at him.

“Me too sweetie. I need someone to hold my hand don't I?”

Sebastian smiled back thinking he needed that just as much sometimes.

“I just hope I go better than last year,” commented Jenson.

“Hm?”

“DNF,” he reminded them darkly.

“Oh yeah, sorry Jense. I'm sure you will.”

“Course you will,” confirmed Mark.

“I think I'll just be happy to finish the race on Sunday,” confessed Sebastian.

Mark made a tsk noise, but Seb shrugged.

“I'd be doing better than the last two times I was here.”

“Neither were your fault.”

“Still...”

Mark reached over and put his hand on Seb's.

“You're going to do fine,” he assured.

“You looked good yesterday,” offered Jenson.

“He always looks good,” smiled Mark, making the others laugh.

“Not what I meant,” argued Jenson. “I meant the car, the times.”

“Exactly.”

“Yeah well we'll see,” accepted Sebastian. He looked over to Jess and Jenson “I wish I could invite you to come and watch from the garage, but you know what Monaco is like.”

“Certainly do,” agreed Jenson.

“Garage is packed full of celebrities and money people,” noted Mark, “I'm amazed you got me in.”

“Tsk, I wouldn't race if they didn't let you be there.”

“You wouldn't race?”

“Nope. I'd refuse.”

Mark laughed, but Sebastian shook his head resolutely.

“Well I'll be there darling,” promised Mark, “assuming Helmut doesn't decide I'm too much trouble.”

“You're not trouble. You're my support. If he did that I'd sit still in my car in protest.”

“And refuse to drive?”

“Yes.”

Jenson smiled at the pair of them joking around.

“Wouldn't the press love that,” he noted.

Mark shook his head.

“Don't mention them.”

Jenson held up a hand.

“My bad. Let's change the subject. Jessy, what are we having for dinner tonight?”

 

Jessica looked over to the pair.

“You see how it's down to me,” she smiled.

Jenson shrugged.

“I'm a terrible cook. If it was up to me we'd just have to go out for dinner.”

“We're far happier coming to yours,” assured Seb. “I'm sure it'll be nice. We're not fussy are we?”

“Nope,” agreed Mark.

“Well I was going to do salmon and salad. I know it doesn't sound fancy.”

“It sounds great,” assured Seb. “Very healthy.”

“Yeah, make up for our indulgent ice-creams,” confirmed Mark.

Jess smiled, glad to hear their approval.

“Thanks, well anyway it's all fresh. I popped out to the shops this morning. I'm guessing you're not drinking?”

“I'm not. Mark can,” suggested Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“Not if you're not.” He looked back to the others. “I hope that isn't anti-social?”

“It's fine. I'm presuming you won't be staying late either?”

Sebastian pulled a regretful face, but Jess shook her head.

“I know the score. Early night before quali, right?”

“Yeah fraid so.”

“That's fine. We can eat early. Dinner won't take long to cook when we get back.”

“Thanks Jess.”

“We don't need to go yet do we?” checked Jenson.

Jess checked her watch; not yet five pm.

“No we've plenty of time.”

“No rush,” assured Seb. “This is nice.”

He smiled at Mark and leaned a little more into him as they looked out to sea, the tide slowly receding down the beach away from them. Mark rested into his side and Sebastian dropped his head onto his shoulder. Like this they could imagine they were hundreds of miles from Monaco; No race weekend, no media, no stress. Just long lie ins, drives out with the wind in your hair, lazy sunny afternoons on the beach followed by a relaxed dinner with friends. Perfect.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next day even Christian had to admit that taking some time out had done Sebastian good. He came into the garage bright and early the next morning looking sunnier than the blue sky outside and Christian was correct when he thought it boded well for a good day. At the end of qualifying Sebastian climbed out of the car in Parc Fermé and as soon as he could, rushed back to meet Mark in the garage, the pair of them hurrying out the back to avoid the cameras which seemed permanently trained on them.

“Boom, second row!” announced Seb excitedly.

Mark grinned back and pulled him into a hug.

“Well done darling.”

“I mean only fourth, but...”

Mark shook his head.

“No no, we stop with _'boom'_ , no 'only's or 'but's.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“Feels solid, you know?”

“Yep it's great. Well done again.”

He glanced over and saw Britta hovering.

“Duty calls,” Mark noted.

Sebastian turned and nodded to Britta stood a few feet away.

“Oh right, course. Okay well are you going back to the barge?”

“The floater-home? Yeah.”

“I'll be as quick as I can.”

“Don't worry about it. We could go out to eat later if you fancy it. To celebrate?”

Seb shrugged.

“Can we stay in to celebrate?”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Sure. Whichever you like darling.”

“Thanks Liebling. Okay I've gotta go. See you later.”

“See you later.”

Sebastian walked away with Britta and Mark was left alone, only then realising that they were stood exactly where they had a year ago when his accidental indiscretion had blown their little secret out of the water. Long time gone.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if anyone got my little in-reference to what sign Seb saw as they drove along? ;)


	136. Looking On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so here as promised is the final part of this chapter and it's race day at last. Apologies if there are any typos, but man am I tired after this weekend of getting up before the crack of dawn to watch Aus GP.

* * *

 

  
  


Next morning Mark and Sebastian walked down to the RedBull barge early to make sure they avoided what they could of the crowds. The weather wasn't what it had been for the past few days; the sunshine was gone and darkening clouds gathered above, looking threatening, but so far it had stayed dry. It was a fair while before Seb needed to change, but they went to his room to deposit their things and take a moment to themselves before Sebastian needed to get to work. Mark was finding himself a spare bottle of water when there was a knock on the door and Seb opened it to find Britta stood there.

“Oh hey, I was just coming.”

He looked at Britta, seeing the awkward expression on her face.

“What is it?” frowned Seb.

“Um, can I come in?”

“Course.”

Britta stepped inside the room.

“Hi Mark.”

“Hi,” greeted Mark, guessing something was up. “Everything okay?”

“Um yeah, really just... it's nothing major. I...”

Britta sighed. She had gone back and forth with Christian, about whether to mention this to Seb. Potentially upsetting him right before the race was the last thing she wanted, but even less did she want him getting surprised by any media that tried to speak to him.

“Yes so, okay...”

“Britta?”

“It's not a big thing, just some pictures in the papers.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who sighed.

“The tabloids?” Mark guessed.

“Yeah. I'm sorry. It's really nothing major, it's just I don't want someone mentioning it and I haven't said.”

Sebastian pushed out a long breath and Mark put his arm around him.

“You'd better show us,” Mark decided.

“Yeah. Do you want to come to my office?”

  
  


The pair followed her and Britta led them to her small office on the base. On the desk there was a pile of papers, the top one of which was open on a double-page spread. It was facing the other way and before they could get a look Britta turned to them and held up a warning hand.

“It's really not that big a deal, okay?”

Mark wanted to say that they would be the judges of that, but Sebastian nodded and she stepped out of the way round the side of the desk, turning the paper around to show them. Sebastian leaned over, looking at the montage of blown-up photos; him and Mark walking in the sunshine along the streets of Monaco, wrapped up in one another looking loved-up, smiling as they looked into one another's eyes, leaning in, kissing.

Mark huffed a heavy sigh and Sebastian sagged a little.

“Friday.”

Britta looked at Seb.

“Hm?”

“Friday. These were taken on Friday. We were walking round to Jenson's.”

“Ah I see.”

“I didn't spot anyone with a camera, did you Liebling?”

“No.”

Mark shook his head and puffed again in annoyance.

Britta shrugged.

“Unfortunately these days anyone with a mobile phone has a camera.”

“Right.”

“Like I say I don't think they're that bad. I mean I know it's intrusive and it's not okay, but the shots themselves... it's just ordinary stuff.”

“Yeah I guess,” accepted Seb. “There's nothing else is there?”

“No I've been through everything. There's stuff from the race weekend proper, you in the garage, that sort of thing, but other than this there's just these pictures.”

 

Sebastian nodded. At least there was that. He looked again at the photos, thinking there was a hazy quality to them that was oddly appropriate to their mood at the time, but doubtless that was just due to the high sun level and the fact they must have been snuck on a phone, not a proper camera.

He turned to Mark.

“I suppose it could be worse.”

“Hmm.”

“They could have followed us when we went out,” continued Seb, thinking they had to be grateful the intrusion hadn't gone further.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian put his hand on Mark's arm and looked at him, shrugging up one shoulder.

“Hardly the first time they've got shots of us kissing.”

“No.” Mark huffed dry laugh and shook his head. “Bloody irony of the fact we've been avoiding doing anything in the garage this weekend to spoil their fun and now this.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian shook his head. “I don't like it either, but Britta's right, they're not really of anything out of the ordinary.”

Mark nodded, knowing he was in danger of being the most annoyed about all this which wouldn't help Seb on race day.

“Yeah you're right sweetheart, it's nothing exciting is it? Just normal behaviour.”

“Course it is. I'm not having them make us feel we can't behave normally when we're out.”

“No, course not.”

“It's just them taking advantage of the race weekend for maximum publicity,” noted Britta.

“Do you think someone was following us?” worried Seb.

“Honestly I don't know. My guess would be no or they would have had a better camera. My suspicion is someone spotted you and tried their luck.”

“Sold the pictures you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Everyone's a paparazzo,” noted Mark grimly.

“Mm.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and shook it out.

“Okay. I'm not letting them get to us.”

Mark had to smile at his attitude.

“Yeah you're right.”

“Good,” agreed Britta. “I'm sorry, I didn't want to make it a big deal. It's just in case someone pounced before the race and said something.”

“Course.”

Seb looked at the paper again to see what the headlines actually were.

_A YEAR ON: F1'S LOVEBIRDS IN MONACO_

“Lovebirds, really?” sighed Mark.

“Not very imaginative,” agreed Britta.

 

Sebastian read down to the writing below which was delighting in passing comment on how they clearly couldn't keep their hands off one another and repeatedly mentioning how a year ago their relationship had been a secret and yet now they were so happily demonstrative and affectionate in public. The tone might be gleeful and over the top, but it actually wasn't too judgemental or critical.

“It's just typical tabloid stuff,” noted Britta.

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian took another deep breath and literally shook it out of his system.

“Is it any of the other tabloids?” he enquired.

“A few I'm afraid. I'm presuming someone hawked the pictures around.”

“Right.”

Seb didn't think anything was to be gained from going through them all, so he just nodded.

“Do you want to see the others? They're basically the same thing.” checked Britta, glancing at the pile of papers beneath the one she had shown them.

“No not really.”

Mark shrugged, trying to find a positive.

“At least we don't merit the front page anymore.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and smiled ironically.

“Yeay, we've been down-graded.”

Mark smiled back and scrunched his nose at Seb.

“Fuck 'em, right?”

“Right,” agreed Seb.

 

There was a knock on the door, the Christian stuck his head in.

“Ah, you're here already.”

“I just showed them,” explained Britta.

Christian nodded and stepped into the room.

“Nothing major, right? We just wanted you to be aware.”

“Sure,” agreed Seb.

“Typical tabloid bollocks.”

“Nothing they've not seen before,” noted Christian, keeping his tone breezy.

“Yeah we know. It's fine,” Seb assured. “Well I mean not fine, but we're fine.”

“Good. Fully focussed on the race.”

“Sure.”

“Right, well that's okay then. We're going to have a good day today.”

Mark had to smile at Christian's determinedly positive approach. The team wanted a good result this weekend and they needed their driver in a good place to make that possible.

“Maybe we should just kiss for the cameras every opportunity we get?” Mark proposed. “Do it so often they're bored to death with seeing it?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and leaned into his side.

“I have to kiss you all the time? Oh no, how awful,” he teased.

Mark smiled at him and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek for good measure.

Christian and Britta exchanged a look, glad that they seemed to be handling it well.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A couple of hours later Britta was glad she had taken the course of action that she had when Sebastian was stopped on his way back to the grid by a television crew after nipping back to the bathroom while the team worked on the car making the final preparations for the race.

“Seb, all set for today?”

“Absolutely.”

“It must be strange to be back here?”

“Well no not really. I've been here all weekend,” replied Sebastian evenly.

Britta glanced to the side, trying not to laugh.

“But after last year.”

Sebastian had call on all his strength not to roll his eyes.

“I'm fully focussed on today's race.”

Sebastian thought he ought to save time and have that phrase tattooed on his forehead.

“Of course, but with all that happened last year and the media attention this time around?”

Seb shrugged and Britta tried to move them forwards.

“Sorry guys we've got to get on.”

The presenter was walking backwards facing them as Sebastian and Britta continued heading to his car. He kept the microphone in front of his target, clearly not giving up.

“Yes but it must be distracting? I mean I don't know if you've seen the papers today?”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Married couple kiss. Stop the presses. If you'll excuse me, I've a race to drive in.”

Seb started walking faster to get away, but the presenter kept facing him, trying to keep pace.

“Yes but surely...”

Suddenly he went over backwards, tripping over an unseen cable linked to one of the cars. The presenter went flying and both Britta and Sebastian held their breath before seeing that they had mostly bruised their ego and not really hurt themselves. As the cameraman went to help pick their colleague up, Sebastian noted dryly.

“Now, _that's_ distracting.”

He and Britta both bit their lips and carried on, Britta warning; “Don't laugh, don't laugh,” under her breath as both desperately fought the urge.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Britta returned to the garage shortly after to join Mark ready to watch the cars begin their formation lap. On the television coverage they were going on about the how the weather had turned for race day but for now it held dry. Mark was praying it stayed that way. The tight, twisting streets of Monaco made for a tricky enough circuit as it was, he didn't need any more things to worry about. Mark had just spent the last ten minutes ignoring the coverage on the television going over what had happened the previous year again, trying to stop himself getting annoyed at their reference to what Sebastian's 'psychological state' must be going into this when they really hadn't the first clue what they were talking about. The ironic thing was Mark had sent Seb off thinking he was doing fine. It was Mark who was struggling.

He pushed out a long settling breath and flashed Britta a smile that was meant to be reassuring but only showed her how nervous he was. She put a hand on his arm and gave it a little squeeze wanting to tell him that Seb had seemed absolutely fine only moments ago before he climbed into the car, but she suspected it wouldn't help. Nothing really helped except seeing him safely out of the car at the end of the race and they had a long way to go before that.

  
  


Sebastian was breathing slowly inside his helmet, trying to keep his heart-rate steady, taking in his surroundings; the other cars, the lights above, the gloomy sky, the trees to one the side and tall buildings on the other and ahead, Sainte Devote, the treacherous corner right at the start that had claimed so many victims over the years. He just had to thread his way through there, then head up the hill towards the casino and then on, on, hold steady and keep out of trouble. Easier said than done.

  
  


Mark let out his held breath as they watched on the screen to see Sebastian slot into line with all the other cars. He'd managed to get a nose alongside the Renault in third as they went into the corner, but run out of space and Mark was torn between hoping Seb could squeeze through and internally begging him to play it safe. In the end Sebastian clearly had no choice and rather than end his day within ten seconds of the lights going out, he backed off and now ran in fourth where he had begun.

Britta gave him a look and Mark shrugged and shook his head, muttering under his breath; “It'll be a miracle if I see forty.”

Britta huffed a little laugh and patted his arm to reassure him.

“He just has to go steady. We'll see how things turn out with the strategy.”

“Mm.”

  
  


The race ran its course. Though a few cars towards the back had their troubles, the front runners went on regardless, looping the track where over-taking was so difficult it often proved folly to try. The pit-stops shuffled the pack and then unshuffled it again making only inconsequential differences to the running order. The dark sky still looked ominous, but despite the television commentary frequently referring to it, it had little effect other than the temperature being lower than on previous days. Mark knew that the team were keeping a close eye on it, as doubtless all the teams up and down the pit-lane were.

He was just beginning to think that it might wait until after the race had finished when Mark felt a gust of wind blow into the garage and he looked outside.

“Looks like that rain might be coming.”

Britta looked to him and pulled off one earphone as he did.

“What?”

“I think it's going to rain,” repeated Mark.

Britta peered outside and frowned. Maybe it was a little darker, it was hard to tell. They went back to watching the television screen to see the cars going around. The FOM cameras were focussed on the two Mercedes in the lead. So far Lewis held first position, but it had been a close run thing when they had pitted for him to come back out in front of Nico. The two of them remained in touch, but for all that Rosberg tailed his team-mate, there was no way through. The commentary was remarking on this as they watched the two go into the hairpin, Nico almost teasing inside, but Lewis cut him off and then the pair wended their way down to Portier. Mark wondered if Nico might try his luck again there, but no, the two raced into the dark tunnel, lights flashing by along the roof as they passed and the cars sparking along the tarmac dramatically, creating great images that Mark knew the director must be relishing.

 

They were so busy watching this little drama play out that it was only movement in the garage that caught Mark's eye and caused him to turn and look over. One of the engineers had pulled off his headphones and was stood at the very edge of the garage, his hand held palm out as he examined the moody sky above. Mark knew what that meant. They all did. Everyone was looking out into the pit-lane now, watching, waiting, and then there it was; One fat splash of a raindrop hitting tarmac, the water darkening the ground around and spilling out as if in slow-motion. Then came another and another. Not pouring rain, but rain nonetheless. Mark listened on the radio as they asked the drivers about conditions on track.

“Seb do you have rain?” enquired the voice, not Christian but another engineer.

Sebastian was just coming out from the tunnel and heading towards the harbour chicane, the fastest and then almost slowest part of the race within a few seconds. Despite them moving it back a few metres, the line of trees still came up very fast when you were still adjusting your eyes to the change in light.

He wanted to comment that he was unlikely to have had rain in the tunnel unless the hotel kitchens above it began to leak again, but Sebastian guessed the reference would be lost on them and instead he looked around him, trying to see and feel from the road beneath him if conditions were changed. He was already speeding past all the moored yachts in the harbour, approaching Tabac corner, when Sebastian felt the slightest skid of over-steer as he turned the steering wheel to take the bend.

Mark watching on balled his fists to see it, whispering _'not there, not there'_ under his breath, his heart ramping up and then calming slightly as Seb recovered the car and made his way safely on towards the swimming pool.

“Yep there's damp track,” Sebastian confirmed, almost laughing at how he had established that only too obviously just now.

In the garage the mechanics leapt into action, gathering up tyres which Mark knew without looking would be inters to deal with clearing water on the track. They needed to be ready, but the team had to make the call as to whether it was wet enough to require them. So far in the pitlane it was little more than drizzle, but on the radar screens, ominous masses lurked, seeming to sit right on the edge of the hills behind them and there was no way of predicting with absolute certainty which way they would go. In the garage further along however, it seemed that they had made the call and the TV screens above showed Lewis pulling into the slip-road leading to the pitlane.

The commentators were debating whether it was stroke of genius or a terrible error and remarking on the fact that Mercedes had decided not to stack their drivers as Nico continued on his way round the track, finding out for himself whether it was wet all the way round now. There was a rapid-fire exchange on the radio as the team frantically tried to decide what was best to be done for both their drivers, but they took too long as Sebastian was already passing Rascasse and moments later had gone beyond the pitlane entrance and was on past the start to go round again.

Mark sighed to himself as the team made the call just in time to pull Daniel in from fifth and watched as the mechanics raced out to change him onto inters and send him on his way. He looked to Britta who shook her head and sighed. They looked back to the TV screens to listen as the debate went on as they analysed the sector times of all the drivers, comparing those who had switched tyres and those who had stuck on slicks. The rain was coming down now, but it still wasn't pouring. It could go either way and even if they found out which was better, for those drivers who had stayed out there was nothing to be done but go on around the far side of the track, three-quarters of the way still to go until they neared the pits once more.

  
  


Up by the casino was the highest part of the circuit, twisty and slow as the road found its way past all the fanciest of hotels and establishments in Monte Carlo, but Sebastian paid no attention to the ornate buildings surrounding him. His focus was on the tarmac beneath him and how he could feel its interaction with the rubber of the tyres. How was the grip? How did the car react as he turned the wheel? How much did he have to slow into the bends to balance losing time with the risk he might not be able to control the car and risk crashing?

There was spray on his visor, but that didn't tell him too much other than it was wet. They knew it was wet, but _how_ wet?

“It's not so bad up here,” reported Sebastian.

“Sebi?”

Christian's voice, tension evident.

“It's wet, but it's not so bad. Is the rain worse with you?”

A sigh.

“It's very hard to tell. Can you stay out?”

“Yeah I think it's worth trying a couple more laps.”

“Dan has faster lap-times. He's coming up on you.”

 _That he may be,_ thought Sebastian, _but he's not getting past._

  
  


Mark watched as Lewis was shown doing the same with his team-mate. He sidled up behind Nico, but try as he might, there was no way through, even as Rosberg had to take greater care on his slippier tyres. There was just enough grip to keep going and on the broadcast a time-delayed radio transmission saying much the same was played out, first with Rosberg stating he could hang on and then a frustrated Lewis complaining that there was no way to get by and insisting that Nico was holding him up when he could go faster.

Down at Mercedes Mark guessed that there were more frantic discussions taking place, but unless Nico really was in danger of destroying their entire race, he presumed that the usual rules applied; they wouldn't instruct him to let Lewis by. They could decide to avert the issue by calling Nico in to put him on inters as they had their other driver, but if Nico said he could manage then he might not take to kindly to that. A tiny ironic smile crossed Mark's lips as he thought how he wouldn't want the role of team principle on any account.

He was more concerned with Seb than the other drivers, but for now Mark had to live with the FOM cameras focussing on the two at the front. If they weren't showing Sebastian then he knew that had to mean then there was nothing interesting to show. He would take that.

  
  


Sebastian tip-toed round the lower part of the track once more. It was wetter this time around, but not impossible. He could see Daniel in his rear mirrors, but he wasn't stupidly close. His team-mate was too smart for that. Even with grippier tyres, overtaking was a nightmare round here and there was every chance that if Dan tried something too risky then Sebastian might be the one to go into him and then that would be sayonara for both of them.

He listened on the radio, half-expecting a call telling him that it had been decided that the risk was too much and they were going to pit him now, but as Sebastian pulled away from the harbour nothing came through. He carried on his way and it wasn't until he was going back up the hill, a fine spray flying out either side of his car, that Christian came back on the radio.

“We think it might pass. If you can handle it you should stay out.”

  
  


Mark took in a deep breath at hearing that. He'd been here before, both as driver and invested spectator. It was a risk. A risk on top of the usual risk. That joke about him not living to see forty seemed a hollow one now. This was going to be horrible to endure watching play out.

  
  


Lap after lap the same thing repeated itself. The light rain continued to fall making the track potentially dangerous at lower levels and on the bends, but where the roads rose up higher, it was only damp. It was half a dozen of one and six of another as to which call had been the right one. Each driver struggled more in different places and the sector times varied accordingly. Whether the drivers on inters really could have gone faster soon became a moot point as they couldn't find out when they were stuck behind drivers ahead of them. The car in third had pitted as well and the Renault was now gaining on second so the cameras switched to show this. Sebastian paid it no mind seeing as they were well ahead of him and he had enough to deal with making sure he kept the car on the road and kept Daniel firmly behind him, but Mark watched to see if anything could really come of it. Surely Magnussen had to know that if Lewis couldn't get past Nico, then Kevin couldn't get past Lewis?

Apparently youthful ambition carried greater weight than the considered opinion of someone watching from the sidelines. The Renault car got closer and closer as the cars made their way round, past the start. Mark thought if a move was to happen it might be heading into Devote, but no, the cars whizzed up the hill and weaved around all the bends past the casino and down again. Then as they turned down into Portier it seemed Magnussen suddenly lost patience and tried to slot alongside to undercut Hamilton, but the water puddled at the bottom where the track levelled out and that was precisely where Magnussen was headed for.

It was an accident in slow-motion and everyone winced as they watched it occur. First he skidded into the Lewis, banging wheels and knocking into his rear wing, then Kevin bounced off and span into the far barrier nearest the sea. Magnussen was left facing the wrong way, his front wing hanging off and untold damage elsewhere from whacking the Armco. The television was busy giving its verdict on the wisdom of the attempt and whether Lewis' car was fatally damaged too, but one thing was clear; that Renault was only moving again when the crane came to pick him up.

Mark's concern rested with neither of those two drivers however. He was more worried about Sebastian who was coming up behind. Any moment now he was going to round Mirabeau Bas and arrive at the scene of the accident. Mark thought there was enough room to fit past the crashed car, but debris on the track that could damage Seb's car might not be possible to avoid.

  
  


Sebastian just had time to be advised over the radio about the potential hazard ahead as he rounded the corner and he had to weave through the pieces of carbon-fibre on the road. He noted the crashed car at the side, but Seb only glimpsed Kevin disconsolately being led away by the marshals before he was past, into the tunnel once more and continuing on his way. He only felt the way his heart was beating faster when he had got past and was clear, but he'd avoided danger and now they just had to go at the set pace, racing on hold.

Seconds later the virtual safety car was put into action, then judging the spot was too difficult to clear, the actual safety car was sent out. On the radio there was another flurry of activity as they had to work out what to do for the best. There was still a light rain falling and seeing as a car on inters had crashed, which suggested it was dangerous out there. On the other hand, Magnussen had taken what the television was calling a foolish risk, rashly diving in when a driver like Lewis Hamilton was never going to give up a position to let him through. The cameras were all trained on the Mercedes, trying to see if there was any real damage from the contact, but Mark concentrated on listening in to the team to see what their decision was.

Rosberg had picked up the safety car and now followed it around the track, plainly deciding to stay out, so RedBull chose to copy them and let Sebastian drive on. Being behind the safety car meant slow speeds anyway, so there was that advantage. Just so long as the rain didn't get any worse they ought to be fine. Theoretically.

  
  


Sebastian sat in the spray, occasionally raising a hand from the wheel to wipe his visor clear only for it to be covered again almost immediately. As the laps passed while the marshals seemed to take their time removing the car and collecting up the debris, all the remaining cars in the race bunched up to drive in the usual formation. Sebastian's engineer came on to ask if he could discern any damage to the back of Lewis' car now close in front, but he had to tell them he was no wiser than they were. The car seemed to be handling okay at these slower speeds, but beyond that he couldn't tell.

Time went on and Mark felt guilty for being thankful that the safety car was fulfilling its task; keeping them all safe, both the marshals and the drivers. The laps were counting down; fifteen; twelve; ten... He had to admit, if only to himself, that he wouldn't be too disappointed if it went to the end. Seb was in third place, a podium position. He'd be happy with that. The speeds might be slower at Monaco, but crashes were all too easy and with this rain it felt even more dangerous.

  
  


With eight laps to go Sebastian was beginning to think along similar lines. Third would be okay. It wasn't a vast improvement on his starting position of fourth, but in Monaco you had to take what you could get. With Daniel right behind him on inters Sebastian was thinking more about what his team-mate might do on the restart than how Lewis was getting on, but as they went around past the casino once more, he realised that the rain they had been paying such attention to before was now fizzling out and the track at the top of the circuit was actually beginning to dry. With the train of cars going around their tyres were clearing water from the rest of the track as well and a faint racing line was becoming visible.

“The rain. I think it's stopping,” reported Sebastian.

There was a pause then his engineer came back on.

“This end too. It could start up again though.”

 _Or not,_ thought Seb.

 

With the cars lined up close and only seven laps to go now, there was little to be gained from pitting again unless they were certain of the call. A bigger issue than the rain was if the track continued to dry, then those drivers on inters would soon find them deteriorating fast as they overheated.

 

The call came that the safety car was at long last coming in and as it peeled into the pitlane the cars formed up, ready to jump as soon as Rosberg at the front put his foot down, but instead he trailed, trailed, trailed, leaving his team-mate behind him backed right into Sebastian. Then without warning, Nico bolted forwards just as he rounded out of Ste Devote and the rest of the cars were left chasing him up the hill.

With all the cars close together there was still spray going up, but nothing like there had been before. Sebastian went into the top part of the track feeling grip like he hadn't since the rain first fell and now he was pulling away from his team-mate and Lewis was falling back into him. Sebastian still couldn't be sure if Lewis had some damage, it could just be that his interval wet tyres were worn out. He watched to see if Lewis was deliberately driving into the damper patches of road to cool them, but it was hard to tell on the bendiest part of the track. They wended their way downhill again, past the now cleared corner at Portier and then into the tunnel which was of course fully dry. Now Sebastian felt his car power on while Lewis ahead was definitely struggling.

As they came out again Sebastian gave half a thought to seeing if he could undercut going into the harbour chicane, but Lewis was right there in the middle of the track, blocking his path. He followed him along the flat by the harbour, this time seeing for sure that Lewis was veering into the puddles. He was cooling his tyres. Damaged car or not, Lewis was in trouble. Seb forgot about his team-mate behind him and started calculating what he could do to try to get by.

 

He stuck close behind the Mercedes going into Tabac corner and in the garage Mark tensed his whole body, desperately hoping that history wasn't about to repeat itself. Seb could take a risk too far like Magnussen and wind up in the barriers. Lewis could have an unseen problem like Ericsson last year and Seb would run into the back of him. Mark ran a hand through his hair distractedly, then let out a relieved _'thank Christ'_ when the pair of them came out the other side, driving past the swimming pool.

He was just starting to think that Seb might have no option but to play it safe and hold a steady third through the last few laps of the race, when Lewis ran out of puddles to hop through as he turned up the slight incline around La Rascasse and veered wide.

 

Sebastian didn't need a second invitation. He pointed the car up the inside and shot through before anyone had time to say anything to him over the radio. Mark gasped while the rest of the garage cheered and then on the radio he heard a holler.

“Haha! Go Sebi. You need to pull a gap. Six laps left.” Christian's thrilled voice, answered only by a sharp; _“Yess_ ,” from Seb.

Mark let out a laugh that was a mixture of relief and pride. Rosberg out in front had pulled away, but Sebastian set about chasing him down despite the race nearing its end. Daniel was suffering the same problem as Lewis and the cameras were now focussed on the two of them locked in battle for third. Seeing as they were in the same situation however there wasn't much in it. Mark still suspected there might be damage somewhere on Lewis' car, but whatever it might be, it wasn't enough for the RedBull to get past when the both struggling with their tyres.

In the end the pair of them were falling further back while the other two who had stayed with dry tyres were away. Sebastian was still pushing right up to the last lap, but Rosberg was too far ahead to get anywhere near and as Nico celebrated passing the chequered flag, Sebastian was still rounding the last corner.

The RedBull garage emptied as the mechanics had gone round the back to wave through the barrier where, in the unusual street configuration, the back of the pits met the track at the start/finish, but Mark was still recovering himself and was only getting around to pulling off his headphones as the television commentators were already passing judgement on the race. He heaved a sigh and gave Britta a smile and shook his head.

 

The television showed Nico already completing his cool-down lap and coming back around to pull up in the temporary Parc Fermé on the track and Sebastian wasn't far behind him.

“Are you going to go watch?” asked Britta.

“Hmm? Oh, umm.”

It was a curious podium ceremony here, tucked almost indoors up a few steps away from the finishing line where the trophies would be awarded by royalty no less. Mark knew well enough from having been there several times himself, but it was an odd one to view from the other side. Seb had got second place though. Mark smiled to himself. _Second place._ It might not be a win, but after today, after the whole weekend they had got through, all its highs and lows, second place felt remarkable, even if Mark's heart was still calming down from the ordeal of watching him achieve it.

“Yeah course I'm going,” he smiled, and followed her out the back.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian took a moment sitting in the car, only then appreciating how much adrenaline was pumping around his body. He took some long slow breaths to steady himself, then climbed out of the car and looked around him. Nico was already out getting congratulations from his team and Seb could see some of his own team about, but he couldn't see Mark. He pulled off his helmet and cowl to rub a hand through his hair, still getting his bearings and taking in the fact he'd got second place. Then he tugged the little radio ear-pieces out and appreciated just how loud the noise all around him was. It always felt weird to just stop right here on the racetrack. The set-up here was like nowhere else and it could be disorientating. He set his helmet down on the chassis and looked at the large '2' sign in front of his car. Seb smiled to himself thinking how he had said he would be happy to finish at all today.

Nico was still bouncing up and down in excited celebration as he hugged his way along the crowd of well-wishers when Lewis pulled up to a sharp halt in front of the number '3'. Sebastian stopped looking for Mark in the crowd and turned to see Lewis pull his helmet off to reveal a face more thunderous than the sky above had been earlier. Sebastian considered saying something, then thought better of it and went to find some of his team members tucked in at the side beyond the Mercedes crowd. He happily received their congratulations and hugs and was just reconciling himself to the idea that perhaps Mark couldn't get over here when he saw a familiar tall figure pushing his way through the crowd.

“Mark!”

Sebastian waved as if Mark needed help spotting him, feeling something close to relief flowing through him as the crowd parted slightly to let Mark through. Seb went over and though the official marshals took the place of any barrier, they quailed at the look Mark gave them when they attempted to block his path and moved out of the way, allowing him to wrap his arms around Sebastian at last.

At first neither said anything, they merely sighed as they pressed in tight, then Seb stood back and Mark smiled to see the light in his eyes. He looked like a kid again.

“I got second!”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Yeah I noticed. See these grey hairs?”

Seb grinned back and stroked the hair at Mark's temple, pretending to study the colour of it.

“I just had to take the chance Liebling.”

“I know. You were great. Well done. Second. Brilliant darling.”

“Thanks. Ach.” Seb let out a sigh and glanced back over to were the two Mercedes drivers were stood together. “I've got to go.”

“Yep you do.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian looked at Mark for another second, then thought 'fuck it' and stole a kiss before dashing off to join the others for the podium with a smile on his face.

 

“You backed me into him on purpose!” growled Lewis.

The joyful feeling that had been with Seb was suddenly on hold. They weren't speaking loudly, but he could hear what they were saying when the crowd held further off couldn't. Sebastian was taken aback by their tone and stopped dead a couple of feet away from where the two team-mates glaring at one another beside their parked cars.

“I did nothing of the kind. I've every right to judge the correct moment to go. It's not my fault you were on the wrong tyres,” defended Nico.

Seb hovered awkwardly, trying to avoid eye-contact with both of them. Thankfully this wasn't too difficult when they were busy glowering at one another. Lewis looked fit to burst a gasket and Nico, even Seb had to admit, had a look of undisguised smugness on his face that really was asking for trouble.

Sebastian was just wondering what he ought to do and wishing he was back over with Mark when one of the organisers who had drawn the short straw came over and started ushering them onto the podium. The trophies were handed out and Seb chose to largely ignore the other two in favour of looking out to see his team cheering and most importantly, tucked right in the corner, Mark smiling and applauding.

In another moment they had shook hands with the dignitaries and were back down the steps with the champagne. Lewis spraying his with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. As they set the bottles down, Sebastian finally looked at him and leaned in to speak to him over all the din around them.

“You okay?”

Lewis looked at him annoyed, then sighed, trying to shake it off.

“It was meant to rain again,” he muttered.

“Mm.” Sebastian looked up at the sky. It might well rain again, but it made no odds now.

Lewis made an attempt at a shrug while Seb gave him a sympathetic smile.

 

Nico came back over from showering his team in champagne rather than rain, then stopped at the look Lewis gave him and rolled his eyes before dumping the bottle down on the ground. Sebastian was about to say something else to Lewis when DC appeared bearing a microphone and a slightly apprehensive expression.

“Guys, you ready? We just need to get a few words,” he reminded, before lifting up the microphone and indicating to the camera that had accompanied him.

Sebastian gave Lewis pat on the arm trying to cheer him up, then turned and nodded to David who began interviewing the race winner before reaching him.

“Seb. Great to see you here.”

“Thanks,” smiled Seb, thinking how odd it was to talk like this when he had seen plenty of DC over the weekend. “Pretty good to be here.”

“Second. You must be happy with that.”

“I am, very happy, thank you.”

“You took a bit of a chance with the tyre call.”

“Yeah well it was a funny day weather-wise. The team made the call. Could have gone the other way.”

“Indeed. You took a chance getting past Lewis as well.”

“Yeah I think it was the only one I was going to get.”

“Mm, here at Monaco it's a pain to overtake,” agreed David.

“Very tricky.”

“As some found to their cost.”

“True.”

“You made the most of your opportunity though.”

“Yeah I don't know if Lewis had more trouble with his car than the tyres, but I knew I just had to go for it.”

Sebastian glanced over to Lewis, but he was too busy looking up at the sky wondering where that rain was.

“Absolutely, and you've got your best result since coming back,” noted David.

“Oh, yeah I suppose I have.”

David smiled and huffed a laugh.

“You hadn't realised that?”

“No, guess not. Well that's cool.”

“Pleased with second then?”

“Yeah definitely.”

“Especially after what has perhaps been something of a trying weekend for you.”

“Hm.” Seb shrugged. “Good and bad. I'm happy it ends on a good note. That's thanks to the team doing such a great job and of course the support I have here that makes it possible.”

He smiled out, trying to catch the eye of Mark in the crowd. David followed his gaze and nodded.

“Indeed. Well thank you Sebastian Vettel-Webber.”

 

Seb huffed a little laugh at that deliberate reference and nodded back to DC who moved on to the trickier task of interviewing a now almost monosyllabic Lewis. David tried to get a response out of him, but despite Lewis being volubly angry earlier and quite clear about who he thought was to blame, when a microphone appeared under his nose he merely repeated the usual lines about it not being his day.

“Did you think the move Seb made on you was fair?” tried David.

“Huh?” Lewis looked past his team-mate to Seb on the far side of the group. He shrugged, his annoyance focussed elsewhere. “Yeah it was what it was. I went wide. It's racing. That's what you do. I was pushing, Seb was pushing. I'd have done the same. You push as hard as you can. Or at least that's what you're meant to do.”

Even Seb winced at that. David raised his eyebrows and turned to Nico who was now visibly fuming.

“Anything to add to that Nico?” asked DC trying to sound innocent.

“I was racing. I won.”

David looked at the two Mercedes drivers who had gone back to not looking at one another. He raised his eyebrows and grinned at Sebastian.

“Seb you might want to stand in the middle of these two.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“Only if I get the middle trophy too.”

David laughed, though neither of the others did.

“Okay then, well I think we'd better leave it there. Thanks all and congratulations.”

The camera pointed away and David lowered the mic as he turned back towards Sebastian, putting a hand on his shoulder as he leaned in to speak quietly.

“Yeahhh, enjoy the press conference.”

Sebastian bit his lip and tried not to laugh.

  
  


  
  


  
  


As they made their way down the short gang-plank onto the harbour leaving the RedBull barge for the last time in the early evening, a reporter stepped into their path.

“Seb, do you have a minute?”

“No not really.”

“Just quickly.”

“We've got a plane to catch mate,” stated Mark firmly.

“Sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

“You must be glad not to be the big story this time around,” persisted the reporter.

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh, thinking how a year ago they had had to fight their way through crowds of media to make their escape. He had to admit the guy was correct; It was something that there was only him here in their way right now, but he was still in their way.

“I'm just glad to be going home right now.”

Sebastian smiled at Mark who smiled back and fitted his arm around him as they side-stepped the reporter and walked away. As they left the man behind them Mark glanced back.

“You sure you don't want me to push him into the harbour?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“Maybe next time Liebling.”

 

  
  


 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote most of this race before this past race weekend, so you may notice there's no discernable reference to the changes to the rules this year, mostly because it came ahead of them, but also because the rules seem to change every five minutes, so frankly who knows what the rules will be by May.   
> Oh and also because many of the rules (yes I'm looking at you Quali) are stupid and therefore do not exist in my AU where I make the rules (so take that Bernie).


	137. Under Scrutiny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Hope you all had a nice Easter.  
> I've got so much going on at the moment I'm really going to struggle for time, so I apologise in advance is the chapters don't come as quickly as I would like. I promise I'll still find some time to keep going, even if it is a little slower.

Chapter 137

* * *

  
  


  
  


On Tuesday morning Mark and Sebastian sat having a late breakfast. They had no excuse of jet-lag for having spent half of yesterday in bed, but the first day back after a race-weekend always felt like a write-off in one way or another. They'd found rather more enjoyable ways of writing yesterday off, but by the afternoon they had felt the need to get up and do a few practical things besides showering and eating.

Even a cursory glance around when they got home late the night before had shown that Pauline, as predicted, had already done a thorough Spring Clean of the place. So feeling somewhat guilty, they sorted out all their washing and made sure that was done and put neatly away and everything else they touched they ended up cleaning straight after. They'd wandered the house looking for anything they could do to contribute and seeing as Mark's study was the one place their housekeeper had done little more than dust, the two of them gave that a good tidy then went for a swim feeling at least they had done something.

 

When she arrived Pauline dismissed their thanks and insisted she was happy to do it, but they did at least succeed in insisting there would be a bonus with her wage and Seb pulled out an envelope.

“What's this?” she frowned.

“Open it,” prompted Seb.

Pauline opened the envelope to find a card with theatre tokens inside.

“We thought you could go see a show? Maybe up in London? There's a list of places where you can use them inside,” explained Sebastian.

“We'd pay for the train or whatever,” added Mark.

“Oh but you didn't need to,” protested Pauline.

“Unless you thought of something else you'd like as a treat?” wondered Seb.

“No no dear this is very sweet of you, but...”

“We thought it might be fun.”

Sebastian looked so hopeful and Pauline hadn't the heart to argue even if they were already paying her for the work.

“Well I suppose I have always wanted to see Les Mis.”

“Go to that then. Tell us how much the train costs, or petrol, whatever's easier.”

“Seb.”

“No go on, please. We'd really like it if we could think of you having a nice time. You could take your husband.”

“Henry? Oh no I don't think that would be his thing, but one of my friends, maybe... I suppose a matinée might be fun. These would certainly get us nice seats.”

Pauline looked over to see Sebastian beaming at her acceptance and Mark gave her a wink that made her laugh.

“Oh go on then, but you really didn't need to.”

“We wanted to. Unless you thought of something else you'd like?”

“Oh no, this is very kind.”

“We just wanted to say thank you.”

“When on earth did you find time to get them?”

“Online,” shrugged Sebastian.

“Ah, the modern world,” smiled Pauline.

“This place looks incredible,” praised Mark.

“Yes thank you so much,” Seb added.

 

“Oh well it wasn't so bad to begin with,” she allowed, “just a few details here and there, bit of a dust and hoover. I was waiting to ask what you wanted me to do about your office Mark. I looked, but there's all your papers and things and I didn't want to interfere.”

“We had a go at that yesterday.”

“Oh I see.”

“We had to at least do something,” noted Seb.

Pauline smiled.

“That was my job for today.”

“Have a day off.”

“Have a cup of tea.”

Pauline laughed and shrugged.

“I could do that washing up?”

“No you could not,” insisted Mark firmly, “and before you ask, we've sorted out our things from the weekend.”

“Oh yes, the weekend,” picked up Pauline. “Seb dear you were wonderful, and Mark I saw you there in the garage. Aren't you good? We had a nice sit down on Sunday afternoon and watched the whole thing. I don't know how you do it.”

“Me?” asked Sebastian.

Pauline laughed.

“No, Mark. I was a nervous wreck, lord knows how you get through watching it.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Me either.”

“Tea then?” offered Sebastian already flicking the kettle on.

“Well if you're having some,” accepted Pauline, “you can tell me all about it. How was your lovely posh plane ride?”

Mark smiled and got out the milk while Seb made the tea.  
  


 

  
  


  
  


Sebastian's pleasant day came to an abrupt halt as he set off for Oxford in the afternoon. Mark stood with him in the hall.

“You're sure you don't want me to come?” he checked.

“It's fine. He only needs to see me.”

“Well yes but I could come with you, drive you at least.”

“And sit waiting outside?”

“I don't mind,” Mark insisted.

“I thought you wanted to tidy the garage?”

“I can do that this evening.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Liebling do it now. I'll be fine. It's just a chat about the report thingy.”

Mark looked at him, knowing Seb was still worrying about it. Sebastian sighed and put a hand on his arm.

“I'll be okay. I just want to get it over with and then we can have a nice evening not worrying about tomorrow.”

They looked at one another for a moment, each trying to judge how the other really was, then Mark nodded.

“Okay darling if you're sure?”

“I'll be fine. You get on and I'll be back later.”

“Alright then.” Mark leaned in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek. “I'll have my phone with me, so if you need to call.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“We can take the dogs out for a walk when you get back,” offered Mark, hoping that was something positive for him to look forward to.

“Yeah okay. See you later Liebling.”

  
  


  
  


Three-quarters of an hour later Sebastian sat in his car feeling rather more apprehensive and wishing he could have a hug from Mark to set him up before he went in, but it would be silly for Mark to have to spend his afternoon sat waiting on him. It was better this way. Seb pushed out a breath, set his shoulders back and climbed out of the car.

  
  


  
  


“Seb,” greeted Dr. Menton, offering out his hand to shake Sebastian's. “Long time no see.”

“Yes, good to see you. Thank you for making time for me.”

“That's no problem. Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Um, sure, thanks.”

Henry went to boil the kettle while Seb took a seat on the old familiar couch. The view from the window in front of him was unchanged from the first time he had come here nearly two and a half years ago now, though this being Oxford, Seb presumed that such a time-frame counted for little.

“I saw your race.”

Sebastian turned to see Henry coming over bearing two mugs, accepting the one that was passed to him.

“Oh did you?”

“Well done by the way, that was an impressive result. You must be happy?”

“Um, yeah very happy thanks.”

 

Henry nodded and smiled. The television coverage had devoted a fair amount of time before the race discussing past events and speculating as to what might be going on inside Sebastian's head, though afterwards they seemed more concerned with the other drivers that shard the podium. He looked over at his former patient wondering himself at what must be in his head, though Dr. Menton suspected he had at least slightly more of an accurate idea of that than the television presenters. He sat himself down in the chair facing Sebastian and took a sip of his tea.

“I'm sure you were glad Mark could be with you?”

“Very glad,” agreed Seb. “I always am. We're lucky really, we should be okay to travel with each other to most of our races together until the Autumn.”

“Ah that's good.” Henry glanced to the side, looking out of the window before turning back to Seb. “So is Mark waiting outside then?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Um no he's home having an extra tidy up. We've got our home visit tomorrow. You know from the adoption people.”

“Oh I see.”

“It's another of the things they have to do to approve us. To see we have a good home we can offer.”

“Ah right, well that's positive.”

“Yeah it's good we managed to fit them in to get it done. We're really trying to push on with things whenever we're home,” Seb explained. “We know it's a long process you see, so we want to press on whenever we can or it could take forever.”

“Of course. So, this report then.”

Sebastian looked to him, feeling much more nervous now he mentioned it.

“Right.”

“I've received the letter about it.”

Sebastian nodded and swallowed.

“And?” he risked.

Dr. Menton glanced at the letter which sat on his desk.

“Now to put your mind at rest, they are not asking for details of what we discussed in our sessions.” He noticed Seb's shoulders settle a little. “What they are asking however, is for me to give my professional judgement as to whether you have ongoing psychological issues that they need to be aware of.”

 

Sebastian nodded. That was something, but he was still anxious as to what that last implied.

“I know it's not nice to feel judged Seb,” allowed Henry, “but I'm afraid that's what is required of me.”

Seb nodded again.

“It's okay. This whole process is about judging us, me. So I guess they're asking if you would recommend whether I'm okay to adopt?”

“Well I wouldn't go that far Seb. It's not my place to give an overall assessment. The impression I get is that it is more regarding whether the issues that led you to come to see me are a factor they should take into consideration.”

“Right.”

“Now the very fact you no longer come to see me and haven't for six months now is significant.”

“Okay,” agreed Seb cautiously.

“I don't think it's my place to recommend you Seb. That's their job. They're just asking my professional opinion.”

“On my psychological state.”

Henry opened out his hands. He didn't want to emphasise the point too much.

“We can just have a chat Seb, see how you're doing. I can't really give them a report on how you are now when I haven't seen you in such a long time.”

“Yeah okay, fair enough.”

“I'm not going to disclose any specific details, okay? That would be unethical. It's more... a broader view shall we say,” Henry explained.

Sebastian nodded.

“Sure.”

“And we can start with the fact we already know what a huge way you have come since I first began to see you. To get from there to where you are now. It's really quite remarkable Seb.”

“You think?”

Henry huffed a little laugh.

“No Mark waiting outside today. I think that says a lot.”

“Oh well he just had things to do.”

“He's helping to prepare for your future, as are you, and you are confident enough to do it without him holding your hand as it were.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'm still a bit nervous to be honest,” he confessed.

“What are you nervous about?”

 

Seb looked over at him, feeling taken right back to when he had his sessions here with Henry, pouring out his heart and soul to him, all his fears and worries, all the terrible things that had gone on in his past, all the mistakes he had made.

“Just, the stuff in my past...”

“Is in your past Seb. We're looking at where you are now. I promise you I won't be telling them anything about that, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“I will never disclose the matters you disclosed to me to anyone Seb. You need never worry about that. That is the bedrock of all I do. My patients have to trust me. I would never betray that trust.”

Sebastian took a deeper breath.

“Thank you.”

“So let's put that to one side,” decided Henry. “What we need to have a chat about is the here and now.”

“Okay.”

“So how are you feeling? I mean apart from this, generally how are you doing?”

“Good I think.”

“Yes. You looked well in the things I saw on television at the weekend. How are you coping with racing?”

“Fine. I mean the media can still be a bit much, but I think I'm handling it, along with Britta.”

“Your assistant?”

“Yeah, she, well between us really, we've sort of worked out a programme for handling them, keeping them in line.” Seb huffed a laugh. “That's more Britta's side, keeping it manageable. So like I only talk about work unless it's agreed in an interview.”

“And how's that going?”

Seb gave a little sideways tip of his head.

“Okay mostly, a few niggles and iffy moments, but mostly okay.”

“And you take it in your stride?”

“I guess.”

“Good. And racing more generally? How is that?”

“Fine. I mean pretty good this weekend as you saw.”

“And relationships with those you work with?”

“Good, really good. They're a great team. All the guys I work with are fantastic, they were really supportive of me coming back last year and Christian, that's my boss, he's always been very helpful.”

“Great, well that's good to hear.”

“Yeah I do like racing when I'm racing. It's good to be back. I'm not so great with all the travelling, but Mark and I have decided to hire a plane for a bit to cut as much of that out as we can.”

“To remove as much stress as you can?”

“Yeah.”

“That sounds very sensible.”

“I know it's not the sort of thing normal people do,” allowed Seb.

Henry shook his head.

“What is normal? You do what you need to in order to facilitate your work and your life. That sounds completely normal to me.”

 

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“Yeah I guess. It's also so we can get as much time as we can at home.”

“You like to be home.”

“Yes of course.”

“And you're happy at home?”

“Very happy. We've never been happier.”

Henry smiled.

“Married life treating you well then?”

“Yes. I'm sorry I never let you know.”

Dr. Menton shook his head.

“Don't worry about it Seb. I should say I was very happy to hear about it though, just on a personal note.”

“Thank you. We did it pretty it quickly I know.”

“How did that come about then, if you don't mind me asking?”

“Well Mark asked me at New Year.”

“Very romantic.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I guess. He just said he thought we ought to be family officially.”

“And you agreed.”

“Yes of course. We've been family for a long time really.”

“And now you want to extend your family.”

“Yes.”

“So what led you to that decision?”

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath and pushed it out.

“I guess seeing our families. Over the winter we spent quite a lot of time with them; Mark's, well, _our_ , nephew and nieces and then my sister had a baby and so we visited them and spent time with them.”

“Your new niece?”

“Yes, and I guess that was when I knew that was what I wanted.”

“I see. And Mark felt the same way?”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Sort of. It took Mark a little longer. I mean we talked about it and Mark needed a bit more time to think about it before he decided.”

“I see.”

“It's not like I talked him into it. He decided on his own. He just needed more time to think because he'd never really considered it.”

“I see.”

“He's not just doing it to make me happy. It's for him too. Mark's going to take a year out to look after the baby, when we eventually get it that is. Assuming we do.”

“He must be very committed to the idea if he is willing to put his racing on hold.”

“Yeah he is. We both are.”

Henry nodded.

“And I'm committed to doing everything I can too,” continued Seb.

“What about your racing?”

“Mark will come with me, the baby too.”

“I see. That sounds a challenge.”

“Yeah we know, but we'll find a way to make it work.”

“I'm sure. You sound very confident about it.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Kind of. It is pretty nerve-wracking having to be approved, but yeah, once we get approved I think we can do it. I think we could be good parents, that we could make a good family.”

 

Henry nodded and Sebastian looked back, trying to read him.

“I know I've got a pretty messed up background, but it's behind me, really Henry, it's like what you said last time; I'm a new person now.”

“You're Sebastian Vettel-Webber.”

“Yeah.”

“Is he better than Sebastian Vettel?”

Sebastian squished his face a little.

“It feels better. Like a new start.”

Seb touched the ring on his finger and then looked back up to his former therapist.

“Is that bad?”

Dr. Menton shook his head.

“No Sebastian. Symbolism can be important to help you move forward, although I think you had already done that a lot before you married.”

“Yeah.”

“There's certainly nothing wrong with feeling positive about getting married and moving forwards in your life Seb. You place a lot of importance on your home life and that's a good thing in my opinion.”

“Yeah I think so too. And that's part of the thing, we have a really good home life and we think we could share it, you know, give a child a home and be a family.”

 

“And how do you feel about bringing an extra person into your marriage?”

Sebastian frowned a little to hear it expressed that way.

“Good. It's what people do isn't it? Have a family.”

“Are you doing it because it is considered the natural next step?”

“No it's nothing to do with anyone else. It's for us. We really want a child. We think we could be good parents and...” Seb gave a little shake of his head. “It's hard to explain. It's just what we want. We want a child, a proper family.”

“I wasn't questioning your right to want that Seb. It is a natural instinct.”

“Yeah that's how it feels,” agreed Sebastian.

“And an adopted child,” noted Dr. Menton. “Making someone else's child your own.”

“They wouldn't be someone else's. They'd be ours,” argued Sebastian.

“And that's how you feel about it?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian looked at him defiantly and Henry had to smile at how assertively he said that.

 

“Okay then, so you feel good in yourself, you feel good in your career and in your relationship and you are certain about what you want. These are all very positive things.”

Sebastian nodded.

“And you feel you've left the past behind you?” pressed Henry.

“I think so.”

“I take it there have been no more incidents or any trouble regarding Heikki.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No, nothing.”

“Do you think about it much?”

“I try not to.”

“Does that mean you do?”

Sebastian sighed.

“It means I prefer to think about other things. Christian looked into it recently just to see what was going on with him.”

“What was going on?” queried Henry, wondering what that phrase meant.

“Just, he made a few enquiries.”

“I see. And what made you ask him to do that?”

“I didn't ask, not really, he brought it up, Christian that is. He offered to find out and then let me know.”

“I see. And what did he find?”

“Not much. He isn't working. He got done for drink-driving recently. He sounds...” Sebastian drifted off.

“What?” prompted Dr. Menton.

“I don't know, he just sounds a pretty sad character now.”

Henry raised his eyebrows.

“You sound almost sympathetic.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I told Mark I feel sorry for him.”

“Really?”

“He said I shouldn't waste my energy.”

Henry huffed an accidental laugh.

“Sorry Seb, but that does sound like Mark.”

“Do you think it's strange?”

“That you can feel sorry for someone who treated you so horrendously? It is perhaps unusual, but I would say it is more positive than feelings of fear, or wanting revenge.”

“I can't imagine feeling that way,” asserted Seb. “I mean revenge. Fear, yeah... I felt that for far too long, but I made a decision back when he came to the house last year; I don't want to be afraid of him anymore. I don't want to let him control my life like he used to. I want to look forward instead and he's not going to be a part of my future.”

 

Henry nodded sagely.

“Very wise words Seb. That is an extremely healthy attitude. I do have to ask however, if you consciously choose not to think about him?”

“Maybe.”

“It's not a criticism.”

“Okay, well yeah maybe. To be honest I really don't have him in my mind much any more. I've more important things to deal with.”

“Good. What about unconsciously?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you find your mind drifting there?”

“No not really, not unless something makes me think about it.”

“Like what?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Someone speaking Finnish, being places, like... In Abu Dhabi, where things happened, it's impossible to totally shut that out.”

“Okay, but day-to-day, not an issue?”

“No.”

“Do you still suffer from bad dreams.”

“Not about that.”

“About what then?”

Sebastian sighed, wishing he hadn't said that.

“Just, occasionally if I'm not with Mark. If we have to be parted for work, or if I'm away somewhere... it's more like feeling a bit uncertain where I am. It's not so much having a bad dream, just when I wake up. It takes a minute.”

“What takes a minute?”

“To be sure where I am and the feeling...” Seb puffed a breath before confessing. “After my accident I had amnesia and when I woke up I wouldn't know where I was and that was... pretty horrible.”

“I see. Of course.”

“So I just need a second to know it's not that and I'm okay,” Seb explained.

“And you are okay?”

“Yeah I'm fine. It's hotels you know, with travelling.”

“They can be disorientating,” suggested Henry.

“A bit, yeah. If Mark's there it's fine.”

“He's a comfort?”

“Of course he is and when I'm home I'm fine. I just prefer to wake up at home I guess.”

“As I think most people do.”

“Yeah. We're homebodies. We like to be home as much as possible.”

“Well that's nice.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Nice?”

Henry shrugged.

“I could put it more intellectually, but I think nice covers it. It's good to have a home and you travel a lot, so it makes sense that you value it. You had very real bad experiences and your accident coming on top of that, of course to have gone through that, to have suffered amnesia, it would be unnatural if it left no residual effects on you. The comforts of home and being with the person who loves you most, are entirely natural things to value. They represent stability to you.”

 

“I'm really okay though,” insisted Seb.

“What about other issues?”

“Like?”

“To have gone through such a trauma and then go back to racing. That must have been hard?”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“It all seems long ago now.”

“It's not so long though.”

“I guess. I'm fine now. It was difficult to begin with. My first race, yeah okay that was a bit scary, but once I'd got through that I could move on.”

“And you have? You don't fear crashing again?”

Sebastian let out a long breath.

“You can't afford to think like that. If I'm going to drive I can't worry about that. I wouldn't be safe.”

“You'd be distracted by it?”

“Yeah and you can't afford distraction in the car. You have so much to do, just to drive the car never mind race. There just isn't room for anything else bothering you, even Mark... I mean I think of him around it, but when I'm in the car it has to go away.”

“What goes away?”

“Him. Cos I know it's hard for him to watch me race and he does worry.”

“About you having another accident?”

“Yeah.”

“And when he's driving?”

“It's the same thing only the other way around.”

“That must be difficult.”

“We handle it. Yeah before the race and during it, you're nervous, but afterwards it almost seems silly, because you know they're be fine and you're just happy.”

“Happy it's over?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“A bit I suppose, but usually about the result too hopefully.”

“You have to deal with the highs and lows.”

“Yeah I guess, but then you always have to do that with racing.”

“So you've learnt the skills to handle it?”

“Yeah. Doesn't mean it makes it easy. You can't feel nothing. I'm not a robot.”

Henry huffed a little laugh.

“I'm not saying you should be. Emotions and fears are natural. If you manage them and move on, then that's good.”

“We try to leave all that at the track,” explained Seb. “When we're home it's not really a factor. We just live our lives as normal.”

 

Henry nodded and looked down at his notes. Ordinarily he didn't make them in Sebastian's sessions, but this wasn't an ordinary session.

“Okay, so thinking about some of the matters we covered while you were seeing me; have you suffered from any flashbacks recently?”

“Flashbacks?”

“About anything, your past, the accident, anything really.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No nothing like that.”

“Okay good. What about panic attacks?”

Sebastian looked down at his cooling tea. He'd hardly taken more than a few sips. In a way that felt reminiscent of old times here too. He shrugged and Dr. Menton raised an eyebrow.

“Seb?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“That's hard to answer.”

“Is it? Why?”

“I dunno. It's not like someone hands you a certificate afterwards and says 'congratulations you've just had a panic attack'.”

Henry smiled despite himself, thinking how he had missed Sebastian's dry sense of humour.

“Okay, but that suggests you might have done.”

“Maybe. I dunno. I guess there's been times I've got upset.”

“About what?”

Sebastian sighed.

“My parents... We didn't tell them we were getting married and when we did, they weren't too happy about it.”

“I see.”

“Not that we got married, that's fine, just that we hadn't told them. I think they were hurt we kept it from them and just went ahead and did it.”

“And when you told them you got upset?”

“They got upset, I got upset, yeah. It was a mess really. We didn't handle it very well.”

 

Henry nodded, thinking about how much Seb had always worried about his parents approval.

“You thought you'd let them down?”

Sebastian looked at him and closed his eyes for a moment before nodding.

“Yeah I guess.”

“And you got upset?”

“Yeah.”

“How upset?”

Sebastian shook his head and shrugged.

“Did you lose control?” pressed Henry.

Seb looked up at him sharply, not liking that phrase.

“I just got upset. I had to go sit outside. Mark took me.”

“So Mark was there.”

“Of course Mark was there.”

“Okay, so he helped. Did you suffer breathing difficulties?”

Sebastian looked at the floor.

“Seb?”

Seb sighed and looked back up.

“I don't want to convict myself.”

“Convict yourself? You're not on trial Seb.”

“You are judging me though.”

Henry looked over. It was undeniably true.

“Seb I just need to know how you are doing, if you are handling any residual issues. I need to be able to give them an honest reflection, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So, how did you handle this incident?”

“Like I said, we went and sat outside until I calmed down.”

“Okay and you got your breathing under control?”

“Yes. I just needed some air. And I cried I guess. I felt pretty bad.”

Dr. Menton nodded.

“But what you did helped?”

“Yeah I guess. Mark helped.”

 

Henry gave him a gentle smile thinking that sounded familiar.

“So you dealt with it?”

“Yeah. I needed a bit of time then I was okay. Then we went back inside and we talked some more.”

“Who?”

“Me and my family. We were at my parents' house.”

“Okay so once you had calmed down you talked and resolved things?”

“Yeah pretty much. We stayed the night, Mark and I, so yeah by the next day we were doing better and my parents apologised, we both apologised and I guess it was okay.”

“You guess?”

“We couldn't go back and change things, but yeah, my parents said they were just glad we were happy and we put it behind us. We've been to visit a few times since then and we're fine now.”

“Well that's good. So have you spoken to them about your desire to adopt?”

“Yeah. They back us. They've said they'll do whatever they can to help us.”

“So you've moved on?”

“Hm?”

“With your family. You had a problem, dealt with it and moved on.”

“I guess so.”

“What about the rest of the family? Your brother and sisters.”

“Oh they've always been fine. They're great really. My sister Stef has been helping us, giving us a chance to help with Sofie, that's our new niece, so we could practise feeding her and holding her and things.”

Henry smiled to hear how Seb perked up at that.

“Well that sounds positive.”

“Yeah, they've always been supportive. They're very good, my sisters and my brother. He's great. He came to stay a few weeks back and we told him then, Fabian that is.”

“You're closer with your brother these days?”

“Yes. It means a lot to me. I missed so much of him growing up, but now he's older I think we have a really good relationship.”

“That's great to hear. I'm sure he looks up to you.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah I guess. He gets on really well with Mark too, so it's nice. Yeah my family, things really are good now. We just had a bad episode cos we should have told them about us getting married straight away, but it's alright now.”

“Okay and Mark's family?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Oh Mark's family are amazing, they're so laid back, but they couldn't be more supportive. There's never any problem there.”

“That must make life easier.”

“Yeah I guess. I suppose it's partly why Mark is the way he is, you know, so confident and out-going, they're all like that.”

Henry nodded, thinking that the converse must be true at least in part, regarding Sebastian and his family.

“And you told them about your plans?”

“Yep, they back us totally. They couldn't be happier.”

 

“Okay well I'm sure that will be a help, but getting back to my original question; you haven't suffered any more panic attacks?”

“Well as I say, I don't know if you could really call it that. It didn't get out of hand or anything like that.”

“Mm, okay so when was the last instance where you would call it that?”

Sebastian pushed out a breath.

“I don't know, I guess maybe when I told you about after my accident and I remembered about my past, you know after it had got buried in my amnesia.”

“Ah yes, okay.”

“I didn't pass out or anything,” defended Seb.

“No. Can you recall the last time you had an extreme attack then? When you did lose control and pass out?”

Sebastian stopped, trying to think back. It all seemed like ancient history.

“I guess... Nearly a year ago now, it was summer... when there were stories in the paper and it came out about Heikki. That was probably about the worst I've ever felt. I mean since I came over here.”

“Not following your accident? How you felt I mean. You felt worse back then?”

Sebastian rubbed a hand over his face. They weren't pleasant things to compare.

“I guess, yes, probably. I felt pretty low after my accident, but in all honesty I'm not sure I was really even with it enough to know how bad things were. It was harder for Mark.”

“Yes I see, okay. So how do you feel about your panic attacks then?”

Seb frowned wondering how a person was meant to feel about such a thing.

“What do you mean?”

“Well do you feel you fear one happening again?”

“No. I mean it's not like I think about it.”

“Okay and do you feel if you did have one you would handle it?”

“Well I'd rather not have one. It's only really been when thing have been really extreme they've happened.”

“And you don't feel things are so extreme any more?”

“No, we're fine now, things are good.”

“And what if something did happen. How would you handle it?”

“If I had an attack you mean?”

“Yes, well, how would you try perhaps to avoid one?”

“Mark helps.”

“What if Mark wasn't there?”

Sebastian frowned. Such a situation seemed hard to imagine.

“Um, I guess find a way to step back, get some air, control my breathing. I try not to let things get on top of me.”

“What about crying?”

“Crying?”

“You've had issues surrounding that in the past. How do you feel about that? Allowing your emotions to flow more naturally rather than allowing them to build up into a panic attack?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Better I guess. I'm trying to think. I mean I'd still rather not.”

“Cry?”

“Yeah.”

“Well of course, but if you're upset? Have there been instances? Other than the one with your parents?”

“Yeah.” Seb let out a dry little laugh. “Actually over this, us adopting, when Mark told me he'd thought about it and wanted the same thing as me, I cried then. Cried because I was happy.”

“I see, well that sounds entirely natural Seb. It's a big decision.”

“Yeah and it meant so much, so yeah I couldn't help crying.”

“Did you try to stop yourself?”

“No not really, I mean after a while, but not totally.”

“So it was okay?”

“Yeah. I was with Mark. He's so good. He just makes me feel better and then I don't want to cry anyway.”

Henry smiled.

“Well there we go, that sounds better. And your attitude to expressing your emotions?”

 

“With Mark everything is fine, anything's fine. I think... He just says that's how I am. I do get emotional. More than him I think, not that he doesn't, but we react differently. He says it's all fine, we're just different people. There's lots of little ways we're different, but we fit together. We're like Velcro.”

Henry laughed.

“Mark says you're like Velcro?”

“No. I just thought of that.” Sebastian smiled to himself. “Does it sound weird? I just think it works, Mark and me, how we fit and how much we want to stay locked together.”

“You perhaps need those differences?”

“Maybe we do? We have so much in common, but the way we fit together, I think the little differences help balance us.”

Henry nodded.

“A good way to look at it. Balance is important in any relationship. You used to feel you depended completely on Mark.”

“I still depend on him, but I guess we depend on each other. You once said it was okay to rely on someone as long as that person is someone you can rely on,” reminded Sebastian.

“I didn't really understand at the time, but I think maybe I do now. We rely on each other. That's what our life is about and that's what makes us so happy together because we're really been through so much, we know, I mean really _know_ , we can totally rely on each other and it's forever, we can always rely on each other to support and to be there. We want the same things and we go through the same stuff, so we really understand one another and that's really incredible. We know how lucky we are and we don't take it for granted. And that's the thing you see, when we're planning for our future, we want to share that and give a child a home and a family they can rely on, forever. Whatever it takes, we're prepared to do it.”

 

Sebastian looked at him and Henry stared back.

“Well...” Henry smiled and shook his head. “That really is quite impressive Seb. To turn all you have been through into a positive.”

“I mean it.”

“I know you do, that's what I mean is impressive. You sound as if you've given it a lot of thought.”

“I have. We both have. We have to be sure about this. We have to persuade them that we can do it so they give us a chance. Straight couples, most of the time they can just make the decision and go ahead and have a child. I mean I know it's not that simple and some people have problems and stuff, but mostly they can just have a child if they decide to. Mark and I, we can't. We have to fight for it. We wouldn't do it if we weren't sure.”

“Okay.”

“Everyone keeps telling us we don't really know what we're letting ourselves in for and I know there's probably tonnes of stuff we will have to deal with, but we just need a chance, like everyone else, to do our best.”

“Not to be perfect?”

“Hm?”

Henry smiled.

“Seb you used to feel a lot of pressure to be perfect in all things?”

“Oh. Well I guess everyone knows I'm not perfect now. I just have to do the best I can. Mark always says that after a race; If you've done the best you can and you know that, then you can be happy. I was so used to winning everything and it being the be all and end all that anything else was a disaster, but now, well I still want to win, but like on Sunday; I got the best I could and I'm okay with that. When the race finished I think I was more concerned to see Mark and know that he was there to see me on the podium than if I had won.”

“That sounds a far more manageable attitude,” agreed Dr. Menton.

“I still want to do well. Just like I really want Mark to do well, but he came second in his last race and it was still good. The same's true for me. I hadn't even realised it was my best result since coming back until DC mentioned it.”

“Since your accident,” clarified Henry.

“Yeah.”

“Is that your dividing line do you think?”

“Yeah I think so. Or maybe it's a step, I don't know, like moving in with Mark, getting back racing, getting married, deciding we want a family. They're all really big things, and each time it's changed my life.”

“For the better.”

“Yeah.”

“And if you're approved and you have a child?”

“Then I know my life, our life, will completely change again, but those steps, they've made my life better, so much better. Mark says we chose a complicated life and that's okay.”

“Because you choose it.”

“Yeah I guess and we're choosing it together. I think that's the main thing.”

 

Henry took a deep breath and sat back. He glanced at his notes again and nodded slowly.

“Okay. Is there anything else you want to discuss?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Isn't this about you asking me things so you can make a judgement?”

“Well... Okay.” Henry tried to think what else he ought to ask about. “How well do you think you are doing in terms of managing when you feel anxious about things? You said you were a little nervous about coming here today.”

“I dunno, okay I guess. I don't think I get as bad as I used to. After the accident I did struggle a bit, but that was at least partly a symptom.”

“Of course, but it has decreased?”

“Yeah a lot. I still do have some anxieties though I suppose,” admitted Seb.

“So does everyone Seb. It's not a crime to be human, but how do you handle it now rather than let it get on top of you?”

Seb gave a high shrug.

“I just have to do it. Mostly when I do what I'm worrying about it usually turns out not so bad, so I feel better. I do still feel a bit nervous in front of the media, but that's getting better, one-on-ones can be a bit trickier, but I just have to do it.”

Henry smiled.

“As ever Seb you don't display any issues like that when you actually appear in front of the cameras.”

“Yeah but I guess I've always done that.”

“True. What about other aspects of your life?”

“Well like I said, I just have to do it. Whatever it is.”

“And cumulatively that helps?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well the more you do it, the easier it gets,” explained Dr. Menton.

“Oh, well yeah that and when Mark's with me, whatever it is, it's easier. Nothing's ever quite so scary that Mark being there doesn't make it better.”

“Okay and when you have to face things alone that make you anxious?”

Seb huffed an ironic little laugh.

“Even when he's not there we talk about it, whatever it is.”

“But you still have to _do_ whatever it is.”

“Yeah I guess so.”

“And how does it feel after you've faced whatever you were anxious about?”

“Better mostly, unless something's gone wrong, like with media interviews, but mostly better, relieved I guess.”

“And it helps to remember that the next time you are faced with the issue?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then. What if your anxiety turned out to be perhaps well-founded, if say an interview didn't go well?”

 

Sebastian almost smiled, thinking about Mark's mostly joking threats to push offending media types into the harbour last weekend.

“I don't know, move on, see if we can fix it for next time.”

“We?”

“Well usually it's something with either Britta or Mark where they can help me.”

Henry nodded and Seb frowned.

“Is it bad not to say I just handle it on my own?”

Henry shook his head.

“No, as long as it is dealt with and you feel better. You should do whatever works in my opinion. That _is_ handling it. I would only have a concern if you let things build up to become more of a problem. As I'm sure I've said before, knowing what help to get and using that help productively is the main thing. Not thinking you have to be superman dealing with everything on your own.”

“Okay, thanks.”

 

There was a pause as Dr. Menton looked over his notes once more.

“Okay well I think that just about covers it.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian frowned a little, feeling curiously under-examined.

“Yes unless as I say, you want to discuss anything?”

Sebastian shrugged, thinking that perhaps he had got a little to used to be interrogated either by the media or lately by social workers. Of course Dr. Menton had far more intimate knowledge of who he was and everything about him after over two years of seeing him. After Mark he was probably the person who knew him best of all, though in a very different way.

“No, just... well I guess what you're planning on saying in the report.”

“Ah.”

Henry paused.

“Well the report is direct to them and confidential, therefore officially I cannot tell you what I am going to write.”

“Even though it's about me?”

Henry looked at him.

“I can tell you what I would say to you.”

“Oh?”

 

Henry sat back in his chair and took a moment to compose his thoughts before speaking.

“I would tell you that you seem to have put those issues that brought you here in the first place firmly in your past and that you have worked hard to ensure they stay there. You have proved yourself to be a determined, strong minded person with great strength of character. In both your career and more particularly your personal life you have shown great courage and tenacity. You are dedicated to those you care about, most of all of course Mark with whom you have a very committed, mutually supportive relationship and despite working hard in your career you balance that with an emphasis on your home life and family as being your top priorities. You have learned to handle the many pressures in your life in order to overcome those challenges so you can build the future that you and Mark wish to make in your lives together.”

Sebastian stared at him, hardly knowing what response he could give to that.

“Thank you,” he offered.

Henry smiled at him.

“Although as I say, I can't officially tell you what I would write in my report.”

“Right,” agreed Seb, a grateful smile drifting onto his face.

“Though I have no doubt an intelligent person like yourself can draw their own conclusion.”

Seb let out a long breath.

“Thank you. Really Henry, thank you so much.”

“Not at all.”

“No, not just for this, for everything really. You've helped me so much.”

“Seb you've helped yourself. You have achieved a great deal, come so far. If I have played any part in that I am glad to have done so.”

“Well thank you for that, and doing this report. It does mean a lot. So many people are helping us. It really means the world to us.”

“That's good to hear. I meant what is said; you've worked hard to get where you are. You deserve to have that rewarded.”

“That's very kind of you.”

“Well I shall send my report. I can't know how much weight they will give it.”

“I'm sure it will help. We've got so many steps to go through, but it must all add up.”

Henry nodded.

“And you mentioned you have a home visit by these people tomorrow?”

“Yes, they said it's not an inspection, but it does feel that way a bit.”

“I'm sure. I'm sure they just want to see that you have a suitable home and I'm sure you have a very nice house.”

Sebastian smiled.

“We like it. I don't quite know what they'll be looking for.”

“Well I doubt you are struggling for space.”

“No and we're in a nice area in the countryside, so I'd hope that's good.”

“I'm sure and the chance to see how you are at home.”

“How we are?”

“You and Mark.”

“Oh right. I hadn't really thought about that.”

“Well it's a chance to see you in your own environment. I'd have thought that was vital.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian smiled, though he wished Henry hadn't just given him something new to worry about.

“I'm sure you'll be fine,” assured Dr. Menton encouragingly.

“Thanks. Okay well I guess I should go.”

 

They both stood, then Sebastian offered out his hand to shake and Dr. Menton took it.

“Good luck.”

“Thank you for fitting me in and all of this.”

“No problem. All the best Seb. Please pass my regards to Mark.”

“Will do. Thanks again.”

  
  


Sebastian knew that Mark would be worrying about how he had got on, so as he walked back to his car he sent him a quick text to let him know he was okay. By the time he had climbed in Seb had a reply, which told him Mark had been keeping an eye on his phone. He set off home knowing the best thing would be to see him.

  
  


 

 

Arriving back, Seb stuck his head into the garage to see if Mark was still in there, but it was empty so he went on into the house to find Mark in the kitchen. As soon as Mark heard the door he turned and saw Seb walking in. He gave him a hug then looked to see he was really alright.

“So how was it then?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Bit weird really. It felt like going back, you know, to when I used to go to sessions.”

Mark nodded.

“So you had a proper discussion about things then?”

“Yeah. I think it was okay. He promised he wouldn't tell them any of my stuff, you know what I told him about my past.”

Mark rubbed Seb's arm.

“Course he wouldn't darling. So what did you talk about then?”

“Just going through things really.”

“Okay, do you want a cup of tea and we'll talk about it?”

Sebastian smiled and reached to kiss Mark on the cheek.

“Thank you Liebling. I saw in the garage. You've done a good job in there.”

Mark shrugged.

“I ended up reorganising things a bit. I don't know if they'll even look in there, but it can't do any harm can it?”

“Course not.”

“Right, tea and we'll have a sit down.”

 

Sebastian took a seat at the kitchen table, fussing over the dogs while Mark made the tea. Mark glanced back over thinking Seb really did seem okay which was a relief. Henry held more power over Seb than Mark suspected he knew. The kettle boiled and Mark made the tea to bring over, passing Seb his mug with a smile.

“So then...” he prompted.

Seb gave Shadow a last rub and took a sip of the hot tea before beginning his run through of what had passed between him and his former therapist that afternoon.

 

Mark listened through Seb's recount of it all, only offering the occasional encouragement and reassuring Seb that everything he had said was fine.

“I dunno, I think it was okay really,” repeated Seb. “He did say some nice things at the end.”

“Of course he did. I'm sure he wants to help.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“You're a success story for him.”

Sebastian pulled a face, but Mark shook his head.

“You are. I'm not saying he'll write a nice report just to make himself look good, but it must feel positive to be able to have a good result.”

“Yeah I guess. Well it's done now.”

“Exactly.”

“He said it was confidential, the report that is, so I suppose that means they won't tell us.”

“No sweetheart but it sounds like he pretty much told you what he was going to write and it all seems good.”

“He was pretty nice.”

“Well it all sounds on the money to me,” insisted Mark. He reached over and took Seb's hand. “He'll give a good report and then they'll know there's nothing to concern themselves with.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Good. Now we just have to give them the tour tomorrow and we'll see where we go from there.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Henry said about that as well. He said they'd be judging us on how we are at home as well.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well sure, but that's fine isn't it?”

Seb pulled a face.

“I just hate feeling judged.”

“I know darling, but that's the deal.”

“I know, I know.”

“It'll be fine. Pauline's got this place shining like a new pin. We'll just smile and show them round and let them ask their questions.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“It's only a look around.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“You know it's more than that.”

“Fine, but there's no point worrying about it.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah okay. Shall we take the dogs out after this?”

“Yep, good plan.” Mark looked at the dogs. “No finding muddy puddles to tramp through, ya hear me?”

He gave them a stern look and Sebastian smiled, thinking they'd end up cleaning the floor anyway, even if that did mean they were being paranoid.

  
  


  
  


  
  


 

  
  


The next morning they were just finishing giving the kitchen an extra-thorough clean after breakfast when Pauline arrived.

“I thought I'd come a bit early, just in case there's anything needs doing?” she announced.

Mark put down the cloth and wiped off his hands on a tea-towel.

“I think we've been round everywhere really.”

“Well I can open a few windows, make sure the place is nice and aired.”

“You sure you don't want a cup of tea?” offered Seb.

“No dear, don't make anything for us to clear up. I'll just have a quick look over.”

Pauline walked out to make her own inspection and the two were left alone again.

“It looks okay doesn't it?” checked Seb.

“It looks fine. Pauline's just fretting like you are. They want to see a real home, not a hospital.”

“Okay.” Sebastian looked to the dogs and went over to dip down by them. “Now we're having visitors this morning and you have to be good, alright?”

Shadow and Simba looked back at him and Sebastian gave them a stroke.

“You have to be friendly. No barking and fussing,” he instructed.

Mark joined him and gave the dogs a firm look.

“You listen to Seb. Best behaviour today boys.”

Sebastian straightened their dog baskets and rearranged the bowls so they looked as tidy as possible, then looked back to Mark.

“I don't know what to do now.”

 

Mark smiled, tempted to say Seb could do the same as Pauline and fuss around the house if it made him feel better, but he'd already been around the whole place before they had even had breakfast, tweaking pillows and re-straightening duvets and towels as if that made any difference.

“Do you think we should have some things for kids already?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well seeing as we don't have any yet I think that would look a bit weird. We're fine as we are. This is us, they can take it or leave it.”

Sebastian frowned.

“I want them to take us.”

Mark laughed again.

“I know. Come on, try to stay calm. We have a nice home. We're nice people. They'll see that.”

“Yeah okay.”

They stood up and Mark gave Sebastian a hug, whispering in his ear.

“We'll be fine darling. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian stood back and shook his head.

“I just want them to get here now.”

“Yeah. Half an hour.”

“Mmm.”  
  


  
  


Forty minutes later they heard a car on the drive and they all jumped as the dogs began barking until a firm look from Mark silenced them. Seb took a deep breath and distracted himself by giving them a quick stroke.

“Friendly but not too friendly, okay? Be good. We have to impress these people.”

He stood back up and turned to Mark just as there was a knock on the door. Mark gave him a smile and looked into his eyes.

“It's just a look around,” he reminded.

“Yep. Pauline could you keep these guys in here while we let them in?”

“Of course,” she agreed, going over to give them a rub as Mark and Seb went into the hall.

They let the group in, greeting Rachel and the social worker and a man who was introduced as another social worker named Paul. He wore a brown corduroy suit that Mark thought he hadn't seen an example of since the 1970's, but he smiled and offered out a hand.

“Thank you for coming.”

They all shook hands, Rachel apologising for them being slightly late.

“No problem. We weren't going anywhere were we?” replied Mark, with a look to Sebastian.

Seb gave a little shake of his head, feeling more nervous than he had the day before when he had gone to see Dr. Menton.

 

They showed their visitors into the kitchen where Pauline stood tactically by the dogs, making sure they didn't leap over.

“So this is Pauline our housekeeper and general life-saver,” introduced Mark.

Pauline went to shake hands while Mark took the opportunity to give the animals a quick stare to remind them to behave and they both sat in their baskets appraising the intruders to their home.

“She's here to sign the form,” reminded Sebastian.

“Oh yes, very good of you, thank you,” replied Rachel, putting her bag on the kitchen table to rummage in it to find the form, pulling it out with a pen so she could sign it.

“It's just procedure,” she explained.

Pauline nodded and signed the paper where directed, then stood awkwardly as Rachel filed it away again.

“Well... I suppose I should get out of your hair if that's all you need of me?”

Sebastian gave her a smile.

“Thank you so much.”

“No trouble dear.”

Pauline wanted to stay and see how they got on, but she knew it wasn't her place so she just gave them all a nod.

“Oh did you get the leaflet about the reference?” remembered Rachel.

“I did, I'll have it back to you by the end of the week.”

“There's no rush.”

“No I want to get it done.”

Pauline looked over to see the other woman already taking in her surroundings and wanted to say that surely there was nothing they could find fault with. She had scrubbed this kitchen to within an inch of its life on Saturday and Mark and Sebastian had clearly been so careful cleaning up after themselves since then. She smiled over at the woman and got a nod back.

“I'll let myself out then.”

Sebastian went to go with her, but she shook her head. Pauline had to fight the urge to give a speech telling their visitors how she thought they ought to know what a nice couple they were and how they should give their approval without having to put them through all this scrutiny, but that wasn't appropriate. She had her chance to say all that in the reference she was going to write. Pauline gave them all a last nod and set off, determined to go straight home to get on with writing that reference.

 

Once Pauline was gone there was a pause, so Mark decided he ought to introduce the dogs.

“So, um this is Shadow and Simba.”

Rachel went over and ducked down to give them a rub.

“Hello.”

The animals looked to Mark, then gave her hand a nuzzle.

“They're really soft creatures,” assured Mark.

“Yeah they're really good,” Seb added. “Very well-behaved.”

“I'm sure,” agreed Rachel.

“And they're good with children,” asserted Mark.

Sebastian sent his eyes sideways to him at that, but he made no comment as Rachel gave them a last pet, then stood up. The man had pulled out an iPad from his bag and Seb looked to Mark thinking how they had said this _wasn't_ an inspection and feeling grateful that they, and more particularly Pauline, had made such an effort to make sure the place looked its best. The female social worker looked to the dogs, keeping her distance as they looked back over at her with circumspection.

“So they sleep in the kitchen?” she enquired.

Mark and Sebastian looked to one another.

“Um yes,” agreed Mark, thinking that must be obvious from the set-up in the corner.

“Well away from all the food and stuff though,” pointed out Seb.

“Mm.”

He looked at the woman, wanting to ask what the problem was, but Sebastian knew that was unlikely to help. Was it really unhygienic to have the animals in here? Surely they could see how clean the place was?

“Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?” offered Sebastian.

“No that's okay thank you. We should make a start,” began the woman. “Paul is just going to make a few notes.”

“Nothing to worry about,” assured Rachel.

“Sure,” nodded Mark, seeing from Sebastian's face that he already was. He stepped over to stand with him and gave Seb a reassuring smile. “Okay?”

“Mm.”

They looked over to their visitors who were all taking a look around them.

“So do you eat in here?” asked the social worker.

“Yes. We spend a lot of our time in here really. It's the heart of the house,” explained Mark.

“It's nice,” emphasised Seb. “We like just to sit at the kitchen table.”

“We have a dining room,” Mark added, “but we only really use it for special occasions. It's just easier in here.”

 

The woman nodded while the man jotted something on his tablet. Both Seb and Mark wished they could ask what he was writing, but they knew they couldn't.

“That's an unusual clock,” noted Rachel looking up at the wall.

Sebastian looked over.

“Oh yes. It was a Christmas present from the guys at work. They made it from bits of the car.”

“Bits of your racing car?”

“Yes, well bits and pieces and from what they had to hand. It was made by my mechanics.”

“It was very kind of them,” added Mark. “It must have taken them quite a while.”

Rachel was still peering over at all the shiny metal working parts that comprised the clock. She turned back and nodded.

“Indeed, very ingenious.”

“Mm. So, shall we make a start?” prompted the other woman.

“Of course. Where would you like to look?” asked Mark.

“Well everywhere really. So this is the kitchen, is that door out into the garden?”

“Yes. Do you want a look?”

“I think if we do the house first. Perhaps you could show us into the lounge?”

“Sure.”

Mark turned to the dogs.

“Stay,” he instructed and the animals dropped into their baskets.

 

Sebastian led the way back into the hall, wondering what it was they would be looking for. He took them into the lounge and he and Mark stood in the middle of the room as the others glanced about. Neither of them really knew what they ought to be saying so Mark just put his arm around Seb to give him a quick squeeze.

“You have an open fire?” noted the woman.

Mark frowned wondering why that was a question when she was looking right at it.

“Um, yes.”

“And you use it?” she checked, noting the basket of wood to the side.

“Well only in winter.”

“Do you have a safety guard?”

Mark paused.

“No not at the moment, though we could get one obviously.”

“We don't always have the fire. We've got the normal central heating,” argued Seb.

The woman nodded, then looked to the man whose role it seemed was to lurk silently making notes.

“You've got a lot of space in here,” noted Rachel.

“Yeah we're lucky.”

 

They stood around for another few moments, Rachel looking at the photos on the hearth while more notes were made, then they moved on to show them around the rest of the downstairs. As they walked back into the kitchen the dogs went to jump out of their baskets, but Mark shook his head and they slunk back into place wondering why they were being punished.

“Where do you keep the cleaning products?” enquired the woman.

Seb looked to Mark, already worrying that they were about to be caught out. He opened the cupboard under the sink where everything was.

“I see. That would need a safety lock,” noted the woman, “or better yet be moved out of reach.”

“Of course, yeah no problem,” assured Mark. “We know we'd have a lot of work to do to child-proof the place, but we can do that.”

“I'm sure you can,” agreed Rachel. “It's just a matter of going over everything. We can give you some leaflets to help.”

Mark nodded, thinking they must have a leaflet for everything.

“And you said this door leads into the garden?” prompted the social worker.

“Yes.”

 

Mark opened the door and showed them through. They walked onto the large lawn, Mark thinking it was a good job it was dry today.

“So we've plenty of space out here,” he noted.

“Indeed. Is the garden secure?” asked the woman.

Mark frowned.

“Sorry?”

“Well are there gates?”

“Oh. No. there's just the hedge at the very edge. Beyond that there's the trees as you see and then it's all fields round here.”

“I meant to the front where you can get round the side.”

“Oh. Well not at the moment, but we can fix that.”

The man made more notes and Mark wanted to take the iPad from him to see what he was writing.

“Do you have a pond or sheds, anything like that?” asked the woman.

“Um no, just, grass...” stated Mark.

“We could get swings and things,” suggested Seb. “Like a climbing frame and maybe a jungle-gym?”

“You've plenty of room to fit that in,” noted Rachel.

“What is that over there?” asked the social worker.

“Hm?”

The woman pointed to the long array of windows on the side of the low building to the side of the house.

“Oh that's the pool.”

“The pool?”

“Our swimming pool,” clarified Sebastian.

“Oh.”

The three visitors looked at one another, a few eyebrows raised.

“Sorry, we should have showed you that before. Do you want a look?”

“Yes please.”

 

They took them back indoors to walk them through the connecting door and down the corridor, showing them the gym and the changing room before taking them through to the swimming pool.

“Wow,” smiled Rachel. “This is impressive.”

Seb smiled.

“It's great. We only had it done a few months back, but we love it. It's so much better to be able to train at home and I just like swimming whenever I can.”

“Is there a lock on that door?” enquired the social worker.

“Um, not at the moment, though we know we'd need to sort that.”

“It's an easy job,” pointed out Mark.

“We'd be so careful about it,” Seb assured.

“Mm, well a swimming pool is quite a hazard,” noted the woman.

“We would make sure it was kept locked up,” insisted Mark. “And we can get one of those safety covers.”

The woman nodded.

“That might be advisable.”

“I can't say we see many swimming pools,” commented Rachel more cheerily.

Sebastian turned to her.

“We know we're very privileged. We'd like to be able to share that, you know?”

Rachel nodded and smiled back as the other woman looked over at the windows facing out into the garden.

“Are those doors or windows?”

“Both. They lock already though,” pointed out Mark.

“I see. And is this everything on this level?”

“There's the garage. Do you want to see in there?”

 

The woman nodded so they went on, taking them back through the house and outside. Mark was glad he had made an effort to make sure the place was tidy as he flicked the light on and they walked in. He was about to comment on the fact he knew the place would also need a lock seeing as there was so much junk and stored tools in here, but as he turned ready to make a comment to that effect Mark saw the three visitors were all staring at the Porsche.

“Blimey,” let out the man.

Mark almost laughed to hear him speak at last.

“Yeah that's from my work.”

The man raised his eyebrows as he continued staring at the sportscar.

“Mark got it for winning at Le Mans last year,” explained Seb.

They all turned to look at them.

“You won the car?” asked the man.

“Well, no not exactly. It was sort of a bonus from Porsche. That's my team,” Mark explained.

More raised eyebrows and Mark wanted to shrug. He knew they lived a pretty different life. He wondered if it was worse to point out that they didn't use it all that often.

“It's not our main car. They're on the drive. I guess you saw them.”

He got a few nods back.

“They're just ordinary family cars,” Mark continued. “I mean pretty good spec, but...”

He looked to Sebastian who gave him a look back. They had no idea what their visitors were thinking about all this. This was who they were though. There was no point hiding that.

“You have a lot of bikes,” observed Rachel as she looked beyond the car.

“Oh yeah. We like to go for rides don't we sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “We cycle a lot.”

He looked at all the bikes wondering if they might be thinking they would be too busy rushing around to pay attention to a child.

“We could get seats on the back of our bikes so they could come with us,” he offered. “We wouldn't go fast and we'd make sure they wore a helmet.”

Mark smiled, picturing that in his head. Seb sounded so hopeful and it annoyed him how little they were getting back in response when they were making all this effort.  
  


“You must be very fit, all this swimming, cycling, the gym,” suggested Rachel.

Seb shrugged.

“We run a lot too, round the lanes and into the village. We have to stay fit for our work you see.”

“Plus we just enjoy it,” added Mark. “We like to make the most of the countryside around here.”

“Yeah and take the dogs out for walks, there's lots of footpaths through the fields and up the hill.”

“It's nice around here.”

“Yeah it is, really nice. We like it don't we Liebling?”

“We do,” agreed Mark, giving him a smile. “So, do you want to see the rest then?”

“The rest?”

“Upstairs.”

“Oh yes, lead on,” encouraged Rachel.

 

They went back into the house. As they went up the stairs Sebastian tried to pre-empt any criticism by commenting that they knew they would have to get safety gates for the stairs.

“Both ends, obviously,” offered Seb, hoping that showed he had thought about it. The social worker merely nodded while the man made more notes. As they went onto the landing Sebastian looked to Mark, wondering why they weren't responding more. He thought they had a nice house. Surely it was good that they had a big house?

It felt strange to show them their bedroom, even if it was immaculate. Sebastian wondered what they thought of them being a couple. They must have an opinion on a gay couple adopting a child, even if officially they were treated exactly the same as a straight couple. No comment was made though so they carried on showing them about, leading them around the bedrooms and bathrooms.

“So have you thought about which room would be for the child?” asked the social worker.

“Um, no not really.”

“You've plenty to chose from,” noted Rachel.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian glanced at the open doorway that led into what had once apon a time been his room. That felt forever ago.

“And this is the main family bathroom?” checked Rachel.

“Yes.”

“You don't have an en-suite?”

Mark almost laughed at the one failing their house might have.

“No but it's right across the hall. Pretty handy. The other one's really for guests.”

“Do you have many?”

“Guests? No not all that often. Family a couple of times, maybe friends now and then.”

“Bath and shower separate,” noted the social worker out-loud while the man made more notes.

Sebastian wanted to ask if that was good. Surely it had to be?

“So is there anything else you want to look at?” asked Mark.

The social worker looked over from where she was consulting the notes on the iPad.

“Not if that's everything up here. Shall we go down?”

“Sure.”

 

They trooped back down to the kitchen, the dogs looking up hopefully and then dropping back down into their baskets disconsolately when they got shaken heads from both Mark and Sebastian.

“Okay well I think that's about it,” smiled Rachel.

“Really?” frowned Seb thinking that they hadn't really been over much.

“Yes I think we've seen everything.”

The man was fitting his iPad back in his bag as they made ready to leave. Seb looked to Mark, trying to think what else they should say.

“We will get all those locks and things,” assured Sebastian.

“I'll find you that leaflet,” promised Rachel.

Seb nodded.

“Thanks.”

He wanted to ask what their conclusions were, but it seemed they weren't going to get any feedback right now.

“So what happens next?” asked Mark.

“We'll need to wait on your references coming back.”

“Okay well they should be on that.”

Rachel nodded.

“Remember to tell them they can complete them and email them to me. That might be easier with your family abroad.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian almost made a point of saying he had been to see Dr. Menton the day before so they should have that report in soon too, but he didn't want it to sound as if he had been to a therapy session when they might misinterpret that so he left it and simply nodded.

“Then when we have them we move on to collecting up more documentation,” continued Rachel.

Mark nodded, though he thought surely they must have tonnes of documents on them already.

“Like what?” asked Seb.

“Financial reports, your medical clearances, the report from your psychiatrist.”

“He's not really that any more,” tried Seb, doing his best not to sound too anxious about that point.

“Right, well anyway, I'll be in touch to let you know.”

“Okay, um you know we've got a busy couple of weeks with work so if we don't get back to you right away that's why.”

Their case worker shook her head.

“It usually takes a while to amass the references.”

“This all takes time,” noted the social worker.

“Sure.”

 

Mark stood closer to Seb and put his arm around him, knowing that wasn't what he wanted to hear.

“Just let us know what you need and we'll get it all sorted.”

Rachel nodded and gave them a smile.

“I'm sure you will. I'm afraid there's no point arranging our next meeting until we're up to that stage.”

“Righto.”

“Thank you for having us here.”

“No problem.”

 

Mark let go of Seb and turned to show their visitors out. As they reached the doorstep the social worker looked out to the end of the drive.

“Does that gate shut?”

Mark followed her gaze down to the five-bar gate at the entrance. It had stood propped open for as long as he could remember and didn't to his mind offer much security, but Mark nodded.

“Sure. No point shutting it when we knew you were coming though.”

The woman nodded, then took a step outside. Mark hoped she wasn't about to go and test it as he had no idea if it would even move when the hinges must be rusty, but she merely turned and said goodbye with the rest before returning to the car they had come in. Sebastian leaned into his side as they watched them go, Mark's arm round him reassuringly. As soon as they were out of sight Seb wrapped his arms around Mark and buried his face in his shoulder.

 

“Why didn't they like it?” bemoaned Seb.

“Rachel said some nice things.”

“Hmm.”

Sebastian lifted his head.

“That other woman just kept picking holes.”

“I suppose that's her job.”

“And that other guy barely said anything.”

“Yeah that was a bit weird. He liked my car though.”

“Oh well then...”

Mark tipped his head to the side and tried a smile on him as he gave Seb's arm a rub.

“Come on darling we don't know what they thought. Maybe it's fine?”

Seb stood up properly and nodded.

“I guess. They just seemed so disapproving of everything.”

“Not everything.”

“Hmm. I mean a pool, that's a good thing isn't it?”

“Course it is. We'll teach them to swim. No kid of ours would be stupid enough to drown.”

Sebastian let out an unavoidable laugh.

“Oh Mark.”

“I'm joking darling. It'll be fine. We'll take every precaution. We can stick a lock on the door for starters. I should have thought and done that yesterday.”

Seb took a deep breath and shook his head.

“At least they liked your car I suppose. Better than nothing.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Exactly. Right, let's go let the dogs out of prison.”

Sebastian smiled and they went through to tell them how good they had been.

 

They fussed over the dogs for a while, petting and praising them for behaving.

“I'm not sure that other woman likes dogs,” noted Seb.

“No, well, can't be helped.”

“She didn't seem to think they should be in the kitchen.”

Mark scoffed and shook his head.

“Rubbish. They're fine here.”

“Well we're not moving them,” stated Sebastian stubbornly.

“Too right darling,” laughed Mark.

“Besides I read that if you make your home too hyper-hygienic it's unnatural and it means the child doesn't build up normal immunities and stuff,” argued Seb.

“I'm sure you're right.”

“I mean if they insisted...”

“I don't think they will.”

“Yeah okay. I mean I know it's their job, but they did seem really uptight.”

“Hmm.”

“I don't like that other woman.”

“I don't much either, but Rachel's okay.”

“Yeah she's alright. I'm glad she's our main contact.”

“Yeah. Okay, well it's done now.”

“They couldn't say it wasn't clean and tidy.”

“Certainly not,” agreed Mark, “and we've loads of space. That has to be good, even if they did make the place sound like a death-trap.”

Sebastian smiled. “It's not quite that bad.”

“I thought she was going to start running her finger over surfaces looking for dust.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“She wouldn't find any, not after all Pauline's done.”

“True.”

“At least there's that.”

“Next time they come we'll have so many safety features this place'll like Fort Knox,” declared Mark.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“That probably just means we won't be able to get into anything.”

“True. Ah well, there go my plans to snack on bleach.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a wink to make him laugh again.

 

They stood up from the dogs and Mark shrugged.

“Done now anyway. I'm sure they won't have thought the old place was too bad.”

“Yeah I guess. Do you think they'll give us feedback at some point?”

“If there are issues I presume so, other than that it's just child-proofing like we said and we can do that can't we?”

“Yeah course.”

“Well then, no point worrying over it. We just have to wait now.”

“I'm sure everyone will send back their references.”

“Course they will.”

“Till then we just have to wait,” accepted Seb.

“Yep 'fraid so.”

“Okay. I guess we've got plenty to keep us busy.”

Mark laughed and nodded, thinking about how little time they would have over the upcoming weeks with all their dashing about with work.

“Yeah I guess. On the upside at least we don't have to worry about the financial reports.”

“True.”

“So there's something we can cross off the worry list.”

 

Sebastian smiled and gave Mark a kiss.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you? What for?”

“For not calling me crazy for worrying about everything.”

“Nah,” shrugged Mark. “I worry too, well, not worry, but I do care sweetheart.”

“I know you do. You're right, let's put it all to one side for a bit. We've done what we can for now haven't we?”

“We have.”

Mark turned more to him and leaned in so their foreheads rest together. Seb closed his eyes for a moment letting it help him feel calmed. As he reopened his eyes he could see that Mark had closed his too, so Seb leant in to kiss him. Mark smiled into it thinking only of how softly Sebastian did that. He stroked down his arm and as they moved apart they both noticed that the dogs had climbed out of their baskets and had moved to sit on the floor by them, Shadow and Simba looking up at them hopefully.

Mark huffed a laugh and reached over to ruffle their fur.

“Yeah you were very good boys. Thank you for doing your bit.”

“Let's take them out,” suggested Seb. “I think they could use a run around and some fresh air.”

“So could I,” Mark smiled. “Come on then.”

  
  


As they entered the fields they reached down to unclip the leads from the dogs to let them have some overdue freedom. Sebastian watched them run off and turned to Mark.

“Good with children?”

Mark shrugged as he looked at the dogs bounding about excitedly.

“Well they've never tried to eat your little brother. That counts right?”

Seb laughed and hooked his arm into Mark's so they could walk along together behind Shadow and Simba.

“Sure, that counts.”

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ach, poor Sebby is not enjoying being scrutinised is he?


	138. Hand On Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we go; Le Mans again. The big one.  
> I think I mentioned before that this being my AU no one would be so stupid as to schedule an F1 race on the same weekend as the 24hr race, so Baku, sorry, you aren't happening in my world.

* * *

  
  


  
  


The next few weeks were as hectic as expected. Dashing back and forth to the continent and across the Atlantic. They were both grateful for the comforts of the private plane reducing the strain, particularly so when they arrived back in Le Mans straight from Canada early on Monday morning only just in time for Mark to get to the circuit ready to sit through the first of the preparation meetings with the team. If he hadn't been able to sleep on the flight Mark thought there was every chance he would have dropped off mid-way through, coffee or no coffee. He'd left Seb to sort out their hotel room rather than dashing off to the track with him and for once Seb had agreed seeing as there was little attraction in waiting around in a mostly empty hospitality unit on his own.

Mark had suggested he drop Sebastian off in England and he could catch up nearer the weekend but of course Seb wouldn't hear of it. Once he had unpacked, he did however consider Mark's other suggestion that he at least take a nap. He lay down on the bed and put the television on, thinking he might just relax for a bit, only to wake up seemingly minutes later to see that it was half past two in the afternoon already. Seb sat and rubbed his eyes, then sent a text he knew Mark probably wouldn't have chance to read. He got up and grabbed a shower, then changed into fresh clothes and walked to the circuit, getting some air and then some coffee when he arrived at the Porsche base to wake himself up as he tried to adjust to the time-difference. Sebastian didn't want to bother Mark, but he thought he ought to at least let him know he was here, so he sent him another text telling him he was at the base, then pulled his newly bought Kindle from his bag and began reading to kill time.

  
  


It was a couple of hours before Mark came through to find him, dumping down into the seat next to Seb with a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Sorry sweetheart, things went on.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's fine. I meant to come find you for lunch but I feel asleep.”

Mark huffed a laugh and Seb pouted.

“I didn't mean to. I was just having a lie-down for a minute and then I woke up and it was afternoon.” Seb puffed a breath and shook his head. “I slept on the flight as well.”

“I told you to have a nap. It's no biggie. I had lunch with Jenson.”

“Weren't you tired?” wondered Seb.

“A bit, not too bad.”

“Hmm.”

Mark smiled a gave Sebastian's arm a rub.

“Post-race weekend. It takes it out of you, plus the jet-lag.”

“How come you're alright then?”

“Well I only had to watch sweetheart. You've got all that adrenaline come-down from racing to flush through your system.”

“Oh I suppose.”

“Anyway I didn't have anything too taxing today.”

“Yeah I guess. All okay then?”

“All fine. Just the usual scrutineering stuff and going over the plans with the team.”

“Sure. Done for today though?”

“Done for today,” confirmed Mark.

 

As they got up and set off to walk along the paddock Sebastian took Mark's arm and leaned a little into him. Mark gave him a smile.

“Still up for this dinner tonight or are you too knackered?”

“No of course I'm coming Liebling,” Sebastian assured. “I'm looking forward to it.”

A whole team dinner to set Porsche up for the week felt like a big deal for Seb to be included in it and he knew it mattered to Mark.

“You're the one who's been working all day,” continued Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“Not a tough day tomorrow and we don't have to stay late tonight.”

“It's fine. Whatever you like. This is your week.”

As they walked further along Seb turned to Mark.

“There are other partners going along aren't there?”

“Hm?”

“To this dinner.”

“Oh. Probably. I didn't ask.”

“Mark?”

“I'm sure there are. Don't worry about it. Besides you're not like normal partners.”

Seb coughed and looked at Mark who quickly backtracked.

“I mean ordinary. You're a racer so you fit in.”

“Hmm.”

Mark tugged him a little closer.

“You're far better than ordinary darling.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Yeah? It's not like you don't know people and Jenson'll be there.”

“Sure.”

Mark looked more round at him.

“You're not worrying about it are you?”

“No no Liebling I'll be fine. It's really nice that they said I could come.”

“They didn't _say_ you could come. Andreas asked. He said you're welcome. That's quite a change don't you think?”

“It is. Course it is. Things are so much better now. This time last year I thought they might send me home.”

“No chance. We come as a pair.”

Mark chuckled to himself as he realised what he'd just said and Seb laughed along with him.

“I dare you to say that in front of Jenson later with a straight face,” teased Sebastian.

Mark laughed again and flicked his eyebrows up. It was tempting. Preferably at the most inopportune moment.

  
  


  
  


A couple of hours later Sebastian let go of Mark's hand as they walked into the restaurant and his team boss greeted them. Seb scanned the room relieved to see what he thought must be a couple of partners scattered around accompanying drivers and team members.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Hm? Yeah good.”

“I'm glad you could come along Seb,” offered Andreas.

Sebastian smiled at him.

“Of course. Very glad to be here.”

“Not as glad as I am,” smiled Mark.

“I'm sure,” agreed Andreas. “Well find seats wherever you like.”

Mark looked over to see Jenson waving at them and nodded. They went to join him, saying hello to people as they passed before taking their seats.

“Alright?” greeted Jenson.

“Yep.”

“All good,” agreed Seb.

Mark gave him a smile and Sebastian felt himself relaxing. It was silly to have worried. It was fine. Everyone was just chatting and enjoying a chance to make the most of a bit of time before things really got going. Nobody was paying them any particular attention and Seb was more than happy to blend in. Sometimes it was nice just to feel ordinary and as Mark chatted with those nearest them, Sebastian was happiest of all to see him looking relaxed and at home. They really had come a long way in a year.

  
  


 

  
  


 

 

Sebastian knew he just had to get used to settling back into the supportive role again, but he did wish Jessica was there to keep him company. He spent at least half of his time either in Mark's room or in hospitality, reading and drinking endless cups of coffee which the staff politely replaced when they got too cold to pretend they were drinkable. He used the gym at the hotel each morning to stop himself feeling as if he was doing absolutely nothing, but other than that all there was to do was read and try not to check the time until Mark came back, whereupon Seb would assure him that of course he was fine and really not too bored.

With the race at Le Mans running over twenty-four hours the other sessions were deliberately scheduled later in the day to ensure there was running in the dark so drivers were prepared for the night running. Thus it was already mid-afternoon before the Porsche garage was really peaking into action ready for first practice on the Wednesday. Sebastian had come down from hospitality feeling as though he was going to start crawling the walls in there if he waited any longer. He'd stood aimlessly at the back as Mark and the other drivers spoke with the team then after a while caught Mark's eye and made a little signal to indicate that he was going to sit out back to get a little fresh air and sunshine.

 

Half an hour later Seb felt a tap on the shoulder as he sat on an empty crate by the wall of the garage tucked out of the way behind a support truck. He jumped, only to see Mark grinning at him.

“Guilty conscience?” teased Mark.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“No. I was just reading.”

“Shift up.”

Seb moved over on the crate to allow Mark to perch beside him.

“What are you reading then?” asked Mark as he peered at the e-book screen.

Sebastian glanced around to see no one was too close before he replied quietly.

“Baby books.”

Mark laughed but Seb shook his head.

“I thought I should use my time practically.”

“Very practically,” smiled Mark as he leaned in a little closer. “You know they're not actually going to set us an exam right?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he couldn't fail to match Mark's teasing smile.

“Everyone's going to think we won't have a clue. I want to prove them wrong.”

Mark nodded.

“Course. We'll show them sweetheart. You'll have to lend it to me for next time I'm at one of your races.”

“You mean that?”

“Of course I mean it. I'm going to be the one left holding the baby while you race, I'd better have some idea what I ought to do.”

“I'm going to help.”

“I know you are. I'm just saying it's a good idea that's all.”

“Okay.”

“And I like your style.”

“Hm?” frowned Sebastian.

Mark nodded down to the Kindle.

“Stealthy. So nobody knows what you're looking at.”

“Ah.” Seb smiled and shrugged. “I just thought it made sense. No lugging loads of books about and yeah, I can read it and nobody has a clue.”

“Our little secret,” agreed Mark.

The two smiled at one another and Seb was about to comment how there always seemed to be something they were having to keep from the world when Brendon appeared.

“Ah there you are. Should've known.”

“Known what?” asked Mark.

Brendon smiled and shrugged.

“Nothing. Anyways you're needed inside mate.”

“Righto.” Mark turned back to Seb. “Coming in? Think I'm up first.”

 

Sebastian nodded and they went through, Sebastian putting his Kindle away in his bag and resuming his place at the back of the garage as Mark went to work. Seb stood watching rather more carefully now as the team got ready to send their drivers out, trying to make out if it looked as though Mark was about to get into the car. Jenson popped over to say hello while they waited for the time to tick down to the start of first practice.

“Hey.”

“Hey Jense.”

“Jess called before. Looks like there's no way she can get out early.”

Seb nodded, not wanting to say that Jessica had also texted him the same information.

“Can't be helped,” he shrugged.

Jenson pulled an unhappy face and nodded.

“Yeah. Friday afternoon probably.”

“At least she'll be here to wave at you on the parade,” offered Seb.

Jenson huffed a laugh.

“True. Well there's something to look forward to. I'll just have to ask you to watch me driving until then.”

Jenson sounded as if he was joking, but Sebastian suspected he wasn't entirely. It always felt better to know that there was someone in the garage rooting for you and although his friend said he didn't mind when he was alone, Seb knew from personal experience that really meant he just made the best of things.

“Course I'll be watching you. I always watch you,” assured Sebastian.

Jenson smiled and nodded.

“Guess you'll be almost as glad as me when Jessy gets here.”

“I will. She's my moral support.”

“Mine too mate.”

Jenson gave him a friendly smile. At that point Mark came back over.

“What are you two conspiring about then?”

“Jense was just saying Jess can't get here until Friday.”

“Ah right. I thought that was always the case?”

Sebastian gave him a tiny warning shake of his head and Mark gave Jenson a pat on the arm.

“Never mind mate, you can hang out with us if you like.”

“Charity case,” sighed Jenson.

Sebastian huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“No, comedy turn maybe.”

“Ah well as long as I'm something.”

“Anyway,” redirected Mark. “I just came over cos I am up first.”

“Oh right.”

Sebastian looked at him more seriously and Mark gave him a smile.

“Just a first blast, nothing exciting.”

“Course.”

“Alright?”

Mark looked into his eyes and Sebastian nodded.

“Okay then,” smiled Mark, not wanting it to sound anything to worry about.

“Seb's just been promising to watch me,” noted Jenson, reminding them that he was stood there with them.

“Has he?”

Mark arched an eyebrow and Seb gave him a half-smile back.

“Only in addition to you Liebling, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“Well I'd better go see where we're up to,” parted Jenson, guessing he was excess to requirements.

 

As soon as he was gone Sebastian gave Mark a look.

“I think he's a bit sad Jess can't be here.”

“She said that ages ago.”

“I know Liebling, but she was trying to get here for tomorrow at least.”

“He said he wasn't expecting her to.”

“Yeah. And how would you feel if that was me?” challenged Seb.

Mark was about to argue that surely an extra day wasn't that bad, but he knew Seb was right; if the tables were turned he would be moping to be on his own even if it was only for one night.

“Oh. Yeah I guess.”

“So be nice.”

“I'm always nice.”

“We should try to cheer him up. He can come with us when we get some food back at the base before first quali later on can't he?”

“Yeah, you're right sweetheart, we'll do that.”

Sebastian smiled and Mark smiled back.

“I'm off out then.”

“Yep. Good luck Liebling, not that you need it.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You're still really watching me aren't you?”

“Course I am.”

“Good.”

Mark leaned in to give Seb a kiss on the cheek, then walked away to make his final preparations, fix in his ear-pieces, HANS device and gloves, then with a glance back to Seb he pulled on his helmet and went to climb into the car. The smile Sebastian gave him stayed with Mark as the engine started up. Mark knew how much it meant that he was there to give it. They would have to cheer Jenson up later to console him for not having the same. His radio came to life and Mark switched to paying the engineers full attention as he made ready to set off, heading out onto the track for the first running of the longest and most important race of the year.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


By Thursday it felt as through they were really starting to get into the swing of things. Qualifying ran right into the night here, the team had done first blast of running until midnight the night before, then they had another two sessions this evening stretching from daylight through into total darkness to replicate the conditions of the race itself. At least it meant they had later start today though, so Mark and Seb granted themselves a nice lie-in together before using the gym and having brunch downstairs in the hotel where several of the teams were based close to the circuit. Jenson was already sat eating with his team-mates so they sat on their own, Mark leaning in to whisper that he was secretly glad to get Seb to himself after Jenson had accompanied them for most of their off time yesterday. Sebastian tsk'd, but he was smiling as they took their seats.

“Poor Jense,” sympathised Sebastian.

“Ah he'll cheer up tomorrow when Jess arrives,” assured Mark.

“True.”

“Just nice to be on our own for a bit.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I'm pretty sure we were on our own all night Liebling.”

Mark glanced over to the table where Jenson sat and shook his head at Sebastian.

“Well I don't care how lonely he's feeling. Jense doesn't get an invite for that.”

Sebastian burst out laughing so loudly the others turned to look and he had to bite his lip as Mark grinned at him until the waitress appeared to take their order and they both settled down to the serious business of satisfying the appetites they had already built up in anticipation of a very long day.

  
  


 

 

 

By seven o'clock in the evening Sebastian would normally be finished for the day at most grand prix, heading back to the hotel for a quiet evening and an early night, but not here. At Le Mans the second part of qualifying was only just getting started. It was still daylight, but the last session wasn't due to finish until midnight, by which time of course it would be full dark. It wasn't like night-time qualifying in Singapore or one of the other night races in F1 where the track was fully floodlit, so bright that it was almost lighter than day.

Here there were sections of the long track out on roads that were normally used by the general public that fell into complete darkness. The drivers had to rely on their headlights and those of others around them as well as using all their experience and their driving instincts. This was one thing when you were talking about the professional drivers, but when you bore in mind the fact that the twenty-four hour race had an amateur category on the track at the same time as all the other categories, it made the challenge ten times more complicated.

  
  


Mark was glad to see Sebastian looking more at home at the back of the garage. He knew it was a long session for him to stay there but though it was still daylight he didn't think there was much chance of him going to sit out the back anymore whether Mark was in the car or not. Things had been going pretty well so far. The superiority of the Porsche LMP1 was holding true and they had put some decent times on the board as bankers yesterday, though that didn't mean they could walk it. The Audis had been pushing their times through the previous session and everybody knew they were a threat. There was no room to relax. Even when he wasn't driving Mark knew he needed to be up on what was going on so he was prepared. He smiled to himself as he thought how it meant he literally had to be up to speed.

By the end of the first part of the evening Mark was feeling confident enough about how things were going to suggest Seb take a walk with him during the one hour gap before the sharp end of qualifying began with the last session.

“You're looking good,” offered Seb as they walked in the direction of the Porsche base.

“Well thanks sweetheart, you're not so bad yourself.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes but he was smiling.

“I _meant_ the times.”

“I know.” Mark took in a deep breath, paying no attention to all the people that they passed in the paddock. “Yeah we're doing okay. Can't get ahead of ourselves though.”

“Okay. So what's the plan?”

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“Pretty much the same as usual; try to get some more decent banker times in early, build up see what we can get, hope it's more than the other guys.”

Sebastian laughed at how simple Mark made it sound.

“Ah well then, should be easy.”

“Mm.”

“You finished top,” pointed out Seb.

“We were trading times. Five more minutes and who knows which way it would have gone.”

“Well...”

“And it'll be going dark soon. Where did all that lovely sunshine go?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian looked up at the cloud-filled sky. Dusk wasn't going to last long tonight. By the start of final qualifying it would be pitch dark.

  
  


 

 

Despite the fact that they'd had time to chat and hang on to one another while Mark took his break they still took a few moments out the back of the garage for Seb to give him a proper hug and kiss as he wished him good luck. It wasn't that they were afraid of being seen these days, but they valued a little more privacy and just a moment's quiet before the action started up once more. As Mark knew it was time to go he stood back and Sebastian took a deep breath as he did the same.

“Okay then,” let out Seb, knowing they didn't have long.

“Okay.”

“So you'll do great.”

“I hope so.”

“You will.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well we'll see.”

“I love you.”

Mark wanted to smile at how seriously Sebastian said that, but he couldn't when Seb looked so sincere. Instead he put his hand at the side of Seb's face to stroke his cheek with his thumb.

“Love you too darling. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark leaned in and gave him another quick kiss.

“You know I'm gonna be in and out of the car,” he reminded.

“I know.”

Mark glanced in the direction of the entrance to the main garage.

“They'll be sending someone to look for me again.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Come on then.”

Mark followed him through to the garage, then with a last touch of Seb's arm he was off over to the other side with his team-mates setting to work.

 

  
  


As Mark began his stint at the wheel he took a few laps adjusting to the changed light. In some ways it was made harder by the fact that some sections of the track were lit and others weren't. The darkness seemed all the darker after a spell running past the lights by the main pit-straight and you had to trust all your senses looking for the white lines at the edge of the track to guide you as they ghosted in and out of sight in your head-lights. If Mark was entirely honest, night driving really wasn't his favourite, but this was the job and he needed to do it right. Qualifying at Le Mans wasn't the be all and end all when it came to the race, although of course it helped, but the main thing was the kudos it brought for the team and Mark knew how much Porsche wanted the publicity. They didn't care which car made the top spot although they would be happiest with a one/two in any order.

Mark and his team-mates naturally wanted the number one car to be in the number one slot but the other car felt that just as strongly, as did all the other LMP1 competitors up and down the pitlane. Competition was the name of the game, you had to push, and now was the time.  
  


Sebastian stood at the back of the garage watching the laps and more importantly the lap- _times_. The speeds were getting faster and faster as the drivers found their rhythm. The earlier session had seen some decent times set, but despite the cooler track now it was dark, the times were improving as the final session saw teams pushing their limits. The other Porsche had just opened a few eyes with their latest flyer and now it was Mark's turn to test what he and the car could achieve. Sebastian could see him doing his lead-in lap, steadily building up and then as he approached the start line, he knew Mark was flooring the accelerator to begin a flying lap.

 

Mark felt as though everything in his body was on the edge as he set off, his engineer's go given that the gap ahead was good and his way was clear. More than anything at night you had to _feel_ your way, remember every turn, every bump in the road. He had to recall without effort the perfect angle to cut the apex and where you could risk a little more on the outside, even in the dark when you couldn't see what lay beyond it. He had to go for it.

 

Seemingly mere moments later Mark passed the start/finish-line once more and there was applause in the garage as he set another fastest time, putting the number one car back on provisional pole. Seb applauded with them, a beaming smile on his face. On the television screens they had cut to an in-car shot and were playing out the radio as Mark spoke with the team, his voice impressively calm as they relayed the news and asked him to build up for one more go.

 

Mark wanted to huff a laugh at the instant expectation that he could do yet more when that had felt like he had been on the limit, but then the team always wanted more. He took a deep breath and pushed all thoughts out of his mind as he negotiated other cars on track and circulated around until it was judged he was in a good position again and he wound up for another try. It was good, but not quite as good as the previous attempt, so the team called him in. As Mark pulled into the pitlane past all the busy garages he thought how it could go that way; you felt as though you had done exactly the same thing over again, but some laps were just right there in the sweet-spot and others weren't quite. Fractions of a difference were all it took.

As he climbed out of the car Mark spoke with the engineers and nodded to see that his earlier time still held. That was all that really mattered. Timo was at the wheel now. Time to see if he could do any better.

  
  


Once the team were satisfied they had the feedback they needed, Mark allowed himself a moment to go over to see Seb at the back.

“Hey.”

Sebastian gave him one of his smiles that lit Mark up in turn and left him standing taller. Seb gave him a hug which Mark happily returned.

“That was great,” praised Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“Long way to go yet.”

“Way ahead of the others.”

“Well I don't know about that, but it felt pretty good. Might hold a while.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him being so self-deprecating. They both knew that getting provisional pole was important in any qualifying session, but none more so than here when the danger of incident was all the greater at night. If there was an accident then the session could be curtailed, even finish before challengers had time to try to beat it and then the provisional pole became the real deal.

Mark glanced back.

“I ought to go keep an eye on Timo and the rest,” he noted.

“Sure.” Sebastian leaned in before Mark had time to walk away. “I'm so proud of you.”

Mark looked into Sebastian's eyes that shone with light and felt his chest swell a little. Vettel-Webber on the board with the leading time. It did feel good. He so wanted to succeed this weekend. Not just to please the team, or to assuage his own competitive spirit, but to make Seb proud of him. To stand on top of that podium and look down at the person who loved him and know how happy they were. The feeling was incredible. Mark knew he had to do everything he could to make that happen.

  
  


  
  


The session went on. A couple of minor incidents with lower category cars caused hold-ups and brought out the yellow flags, but nothing major. It was enough to interrupt the top teams' programmes though. No one had got near Mark's lead time and he was just beginning to wonder if the session might fizzle out before the organisers got the late dash for times that they longed for to enthuse the fans when one of the Audis went out and set an absolute blinder and leap-frogged to the top. An audible sigh went around the garage followed by a flurry on the radio as the pitwall tried to work out what to do next. Jenson in the other Porsche completed a lap and improved, but not quite fast enough to retake pole. Then Timo went for a new flying lap and as he came back round the time displayed showed he had re-taken top spot and a huge round of applause went up, Seb joining in as he beamed over at Mark who stood watching with Brendon and other team members nearer the front. It was still close though so the call came to switch things up and Mark was fetching his helmet once more as the team decided to try fresh drivers at the wheel to see what was possible in the last half hour.

Mark only had time to swing by Sebastian to give him a quick smile as he gathered his things ready to go.

“Good luck,” offered Seb.

“Thanks.”

Sebastian wanted to have another moment out the back with Mark, but there was no time for that. Mark was already pulling on his gloves and fitting on his HANS device, his helmet in his hands as he gave Seb a last nod before pulling it on and going to stand at the front of the garage ready to jump in. As soon as the car was back Mark was switching places, slotting into the seat and his seatbelts being tightened to hold him firmly in. Soon after Mark set off Jenson was out of the other car and back in the garage. Sebastian caught his eye and gave him a nod while he got on with briefing the team on his stint and they all went back to watching how the current drivers were getting on.

 

The pressure was on now. It had felt as though it was before, but now time was really running out. Lap-times were tumbling across the categories and in LMP1 the other Audi had improved their lead place along with the number two Porsche leap-frogging up, so now the number one car sat in _third_ _._ No way was that acceptable. As soon as he felt confident enough, Mark set a new flyer and was relieved to hear that it had at least been within a whisker of their previous time, telling him he was back up to speed.

Matching the time wasn't enough though, he had to do better. The pitwall was on telling him how much the gap was and Mark took a settling breath as set himself to his task. He just had to do it. No option.

A few minutes later a call came through to tell Mark that the number two Porsche had now taken the top spot and he had new impetus to push even harder. Lead-in lap, then let her rip as he hung it all out there to see what was possible, hurtling along the Mulsanne Straight and weaving around the bends, on and on, never letting up until the glare of the pitlane lights hoved into view and he was back on the start-finish straight, catching his breath as radio in his ear came on to encourage him.

“That was within a couple of tenths. Well done Mark, we're getting closer to Timo's time, but there's more in there.”

Mark nodded within his helmet. That had felt good and he felt as though he was really getting the feel for the car and the track again. He was convinced that now he had that he could think less about his lap and let it flow more smoothly to achieve a faster time and regain pole. He came back around, more aware than ever of how late it was and how time was running out. He had to really push past what seemed possible and leave nothing in the tank.

 

Just as Mark was rounding out another slower lap the radio came back on.

“Ach, Audi set a new fastest lap, seven tenths ahead now.”

The voice almost sighed over the radio and Mark wanted to do the same. He knew they didn't mean the car was physically in front. They meant they had extended their lead in the times making the task even harder.

“Okay, we go again,” instructed the voice. “The speed is in the car, we need to extract every tenth now.”

“Yep,” replied Mark shortly, his mind already winding up to the task.

 

He wound though the latter part of the circuit and was ready to push once more. As he shot past the pits Mark was on a new flyer and right from the moment he crossed the line to start the clock he could feel it was a good one. This was it, he was going to grab a new fastest lap and put the number one Porsche on pole, Mark was sure of it.

He went on beyond the lights of buildings, feeding the car through the early weaving part of the track and then letting go once more along the long, long straight, using all the power the car could muster to fly along Mulsanne, only slowing a little in order to slink through the kinks and leaving it as late as he dared to take the far corner before opening up the throttle once more on the shorter straight of Indianapolis.

The southernmost part of the circuit felt a long way from anywhere, down through the woods that once filled the area. There were lights ahead and Mark was warned on the radio that there was an amateur GT car down the road. It was a way off yet though, he could tell that from the distant rear lights. Mark was hoping they would reach the end of the straight long before him so he wouldn't have to lose that crucial advantage of the gathered speed he had built up on the straight. If he could just get past as he went into the sharp bend of Arnage when he would already be slowing then he needn't lose too much time. It could still be okay.

 

Mark shot down the straight, the tail-lights of the GT car getting ever closer until they were all the way up and then suddenly right there. The car simply needed to politely sit neatly on the inside so Mark could go around the outside and be ahead before they came out of the bend, then he could build up speed again along the straightish bit of the circuit leading up to the Porsche Curves. Mark knew he would be losing out on the racing line but it shouldn't be too bad just as long as the other car maintained its position so his far faster LMP1 could get past easily as even an amateur should know from their driver briefings. Mark was slowing slightly, ready to ease out through the bend with the Am car keeping to the inside of the sharp right turn when it abruptly changed direction and moved off the racing line, going precisely where Mark was heading for at a far faster speed.

He stamped on the brakes and tried to turn the wheel to avoid them, but there was no time and before he could do anything else Mark slammed into the back of the GT car and all thoughts of qualifying and racing lines were gone. He was still pointlessly pressing on the brake as his car bounced off the car in front and skidded over the small patch of gravel towards the barriers which appeared even faster than the GT car had, looming out of the darkness as he turned his head sideways. Mark only had time to let go of the wheel and brace for impact when he hit full side on into the Armco with a sickening crunch of metal on metal.

  
  


 

In the garage shouts and cries of dismay went up as all who had been watching the attempt at a new pole time flinched from the sight of the crash. The screen was murky with darkness, but the events were only too clear. Mark's car was hurled off track into the barriers while pieces of the front end were strewn all over the track in a shower of carbon-fibre along with parts from the destroyed GT car which had jolted forwards on impact, then spun in the other direction going onto the grass on the inside of the bend.

Sebastian stared at the screen, everything around him reeling. His eyes opened wider and he took in a sharp breath, part of his brain fixed on the image he was looking at, the other part still trying to keep up with what had just happened.

_He'd crashed. Mark had crashed. A bad one. Fast. Too fast. He was in the barriers._

There wasn't much light out there and you couldn't see how bad it was, but it couldn't be good. The velocity with which the car first hit the back of the other car, then spun and flew across to slam full length into its side had been palpable. It was as though Seb had felt the impact himself and now he was dizzy with it.

He couldn't take in all the action around him as the team sprang into life trying to contact Mark to establish if he was okay. He couldn't hear the voices on his earphones asking Mark to reply. He didn't hear word go up that the safety car and the medical car were out and on their way. All Seb could do was stare with a desperate intensity at the screen to see Mark climb out. Please to see him climb out now. Sebastian took another sharper breath, then another, feeling his blood jumping in his veins so sharply it was as if it was as if he had suffered an electric shock.

 

There was a hand on his arm and Seb jumped, his eyes dragged from the screen for a second. It still took a moment for his brain to compute that it was Jenson. Jenson looking at him with concern and pulling away one earphone for Seb to hear him.

“He'll be okay.”

Sebastian swallowed and gave the tiniest of nods. Jenson was trying to think what else to say, worrying at how pale Seb had gone and the frozen look on his face. Sebastian had resumed staring at the screen, seeming not to blink as time, which had flown before, now seemed to stand still. The medical car was on the scene and marshals rushing in. The television was showing the driver of the GT car being helped out as other cars crept carefully through the debris, their headlights helping to illuminate the area. The other driver looked to be limping slightly but he was walking away. By Sebastian's side Jenson angrily cursed the man under his breath.

“Fucking idiot. What the hell was he doing? Mark had nowhere to go except the back of him.”

Sebastian took another sharp breath and Jenson looked to see his face even tighter and his blue eyes glazed.

“Please don't,” breathed Seb. “Please.”

He blinked and took in another breath that hurt his chest and Jenson felt even worse. He moved more to be sure that he was at least in the side of Seb's vision.

“Sorry. Just... He'll be alright. You just need a minute to get your breath back. I've been there, okay? You just need a minute,” Jenson assured.

Seb nodded blankly. He'd been there himself at least in terms of crashing at speed. Unfortunately that knowledge was far from reassuring. Sebastian knew how dangerous crashes could be. He didn't really know if the enclosed cockpit of the LMP1 cars made them safer. They did at least shelter the driver from any immediate impact by external objects as long as the shell stayed intact, but the force of the crash still went through the body.

“It's on the driver's side,” pointed out Jenson, still trying to think what might help. “I think the car's too much into the barrier so they'll need to shift it to let him out.”

Seb didn't say anything. He knew it was on the driver's side. That was part of what worried him. Mark had been right where the impact with the Armco had been. Would it have come through the door? The force of the impact with the barrier could have crushed the door inwards and Mark would have been there in the way, strapped in place and unable to move to avoid it. Seb thought he might throw up at that idea. He took a deeper breath and tried to force oxygen into his system.

 

Up on the screen the marshals had a recovery vehicle now to help shift the car to move it a few feet away from the barrier so they could get into it and then men were at the side, lit by temporary floodlights that had appeared from somewhere to help them work.

“Why is there no radio?” asked Sebastian, hardly knowing how he was composing words by this point.

Jenson looked back at the rest of the team. Nobody had come over so he presumed there was no news. Jenson thought about going to find out, but he didn't feel he could leave Seb.

“It must be broken. They must know on the pitwall, I think... yeah it's probably out. You know it happens sometimes with the impact...”

Jenson wished he hadn't used that word as Sebastian briefly closed his eyes and took another deep breath in through his nose, then gasped as he reopened his eyes to see the marshals succeeded in opening the other side door and were peering in, but on television you couldn't see how Mark was inside. Then they managed to lever the driver side door open, but there was still no apparent movement from within the car.

Now the car had been moved you could see that not just the front, but the left whole side of the vehicle was wiped out, both front and rear wheel arches ripped off and damage all the way in to the cockpit. It looked in a terrible state, but the main cell where the driver sat was intact with what looked like only surface damage and scratches to the paintwork. That had to be good, so did that mean Mark was okay inside? The medical team were there leaning in and Sebastian didn't think he could stand any more waiting. He couldn't see what they could inside the car. Were they talking to Mark? Were they simply making sure he was alright before letting him move? Why didn't they help him climb out the other side? Was he hurt? Why wasn't he getting out? Seb's head was whirling ever faster with anxious questions as he tried not to panic.

“I think they're probably just making sure he's okay,” tried Jenson, but all Seb wanted to yell was that _he_ needed to know Mark was okay. He couldn't wait any longer. He had to know.

 

There was a pause, then everyone watched as Mark was finally helped from the car and a collective sigh of relief went round the garage. Sebastian took in a shaky breath.

“Oh thank you god,” sighed Seb as he watched Mark be led a few feet away and then sat on the ground, his knees tucked up in front of him as the doctors checked him over. The shot on television was dim and far off, but you could see them carefully removing Mark's helmet and kneeling to speak with him.

“There you go mate, he looks fine, yeah?” reassured Jenson, sounding relieved himself. He puffed out a breath and looked from the screen to Sebastian once more. “Alright?”

 

Sebastian was still staring wide-eyed at the screen. The commentary on the television was vaguely remarking that it was good Mark was out of the car, but it wasn't saying more than he was being looked over and that the other driver had been brought back to the medical centre to be sure he was okay. Another minute passed as they could do nothing beyond watch from a distance to see what was happening, then Mark was helped to his feet and was standing. He pushed against the barrier to help himself up, but then he was standing alone unaided and waving in the direction of where he thought a camera might be.

Sebastian had to close his eyes for a moment. He thought he might cry. Right here in the garage in front of everyone. He felt Jenson give his arm a squeeze and he reopened his eyes to see the screen showing Mark walking to the medical car, the door shutting and then he was out of sight again.

Moments later Andreas appeared by their side. He looked to Jenson, then Sebastian, thinking himself how even in the strange light of the garage at night Seb didn't look too good.

“Seb they're bringing him round back to here okay?”

“Not taking him to the med centre?” checked Jenson.

“No he says he's fine. Bit winded, but okay. Car took the brunt. Alright?”

Sebastian nodded, feeling incapable of speech.

“He'll be back in a minute or so,” continued Andreas.

Seb gave another nod, but he suddenly felt overwhelmed by a rush of nausea.

“I need some air,” he let out, then pulled the headphones completely off and moved with surprising speed to the exit out the back, no room for thought as to whether that was rude when he thought the alternative might be vomiting right there on the garage floor.

 

Jenson looked to see Seb suddenly gone, then turned back to his boss.

“I think I should check he's okay. If Mark gets back...”

“Course. Go.”

Jenson spotted a bottle of water on the side and scooped it up en route to find Seb not in the rear part of the garage, but all the way outside, perched on a crate, his head tipped forward and his eyes closed as Seb breathed heavily through his nose. Jenson paused a moment, then stepped in front, ducking lower and putting a hand on his arm again. He looked up but Sebastian wasn't looking back.

“Mate, you okay?”

Sebastian kept his eyes closed. He was concentrating on his breathing. He knew it was too fast, but if he just kept it going this would pass. It would pass and he would be okay. He would be okay because Mark was okay. Mark was okay. He was okay.

His heart was pounding in his chest. Seb had barely felt it before when he was lost in worrying, but now it had taken over and Sebastian didn't think he could slow it. His skin was heating up, his blood pumping too fast, his chest tightening.

“Seb. You want some water?”

 

Sebastian opened his eyes at the sound of Jenson's voice. He was right there in front of him, looking worried. Seb forced himself to take deeper breaths and accepted the bottle. Jenson had taken the lid off and somehow Seb lifted his arm to put the bottle to his mouth though he hardly knew how. Everything felt disconnected and spacey. He sipped the water and although his chest still heaved up and down in a rolling motion, his breathing steadied. Things seemed blurry around the edges, but the sick feeling inside him was ebbing away. Seb took another deep breath and another drink before finally managing to speak.

“Sorry.”

“Oh hey mate no. It's fine. Shock, right?”

Sebastian just took another sip of water and Jenson nodded before carrying on.

“Yeah. He's alright though. He's on his way back.” Jenson glanced towards the entrance into the garage. “He might be back already. Do you want me to go see?”

Sebastian looked over then stood up, needing to see Mark as soon as possible, but he swayed slightly and Jenson had both hands on him.

“Whoa mate, take a sec.”

“I'm fine.”

“I think maybe...”

“I need to see him,” insisted Sebastian, all thoughts of how he felt seeming unimportant now.

He took a deep inhale of the cold night air and let it steady him. His heart was still beating hard within his chest, but his breathing was better. Before Jenson could say anything else Sebastian was taking steps back into the garage, ignoring how light-headed he felt as he walked through, anxious to see if Mark really was back.

 

  
  


  
  


Mark climbed out of the medical car and assured the doctor that he really was fine once again. The doctor took him to step into the brighter light at the end of the pitlane where the car had pulled up in its spot and looked into his eyes.

“No dizziness?”

“Nope. I'm fine. Really doc I'm alright. Bit winded that's all.”

“Perhaps you should come for a once-over?”

“Really mate. I'm fine. The G-force alarm didn't got off did it? I just want to get back,” pushed Mark.

The doctor paused and then huffed a breath.

“Hmm, okay. If you feel anything, _anything_ , you get yourself down to the medical centre,” he insisted.

“I will. I promise alright?”

“Okay. Right, well... make sure you rest.”

“No driving tomorrow,” noted Mark.

“Hmm.”

“Depending on what state that car's in when they get it in the garage I don't know if we'll have one to drive on Saturday anyway,” joked Mark, though he knew it really wasn't much of a joke if it proved true.

“Alright then. Take it easy. Yes?”

“Yes. Can I go?”

Mark looked to see a member of the team waiting to walk up the pitlane with him. The doctor finally gave him the nod and Mark nodded back before turning to walk with the Porsche assistant, assuring him in turn that he was really fine despite the fact that it currently felt as though a medium-sized elephant was sitting on his chest where the seatbelts had held him in when the impact occurred.

  
  


He walked briskly down the pitlane past the other garages until they reached the Porsche one and Andreas rushed out to meet him.

“Mark. How are you?”

“Fine mate. Looked worse than it was,” Mark assured. “Sorry. I just had nowhere to go.”

Mark's eyes were already searching the garage for Sebastian as he spoke. At first he couldn't see him, then Seb appeared at the rear of the garage accompanied by Jenson. Even from this distance Mark could see Seb's face was white as a sheet.

Andreas was continuing to talk, suggesting that if Mark really was okay then perhaps they could get a quick debrief of what had happened whilst they waited for the car to be brought back around and they could assess the damage.

“Safety car's due in and they're going to run the last few minutes of quali,” continued Andreas, but Mark wasn't listening.

“Sorry mate, but I just need a minute, alright?”

Andreas saw where his gaze was and nodded.

“Of course. Yes, sorry Mark, of course.”

  
  


Mark crossed the garage in a few strides. Everyone was looking at him, but Mark had eyes for no one except Sebastian. As he reached them Jenson went to say something, but Mark and Seb needed no words. Mark merely stepped in and put his arms around Seb as Seb flung his arms around him. Sebastian closed his eyes and dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder as they pressed in tight. Mark could feel how hard Sebastian's heart was beating through his chest, surely faster than his own. He gave Seb a little squeeze, not caring that it hurt to do so, then loosened his hold to get Seb to lift up so he could look at him. Sebastian still looked upset so Mark rubbed his arm.

“I'm okay sweetheart, I'm okay.”

Sebastian nodded tightly, fighting the urge to cry again.

“Come on, let's just take a minute.”

He put his arm around Seb and swept them out the back, with only time for a quick acknowledging nod to Jenson who went back to join the rest of the team to see what would happen in the last few minutes of qualifying.

  
  


Once out back Sebastian turned and pushed into Mark once more, fitting his arms around his middle while Mark stroked his back. He heard a sniffle but Seb's face was buried into the shoulder of his race-suit so Mark whispered in his ear.

“I'm alright. I know that must have been scary.”

Seb lifted up and let go of Mark to wipe at his face.

“I'm sorry.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“No.”

“It's just you weren't getting out.”

“I couldn't darling. The door...”

Sebastian nodded.

“It looked awful. Oh Liebling.” Seb looked at him with the biggest damp blue eyes. “You're really okay?”

“Yeah could've been worse. At least I didn't flip.”

“Oh god Mark don't even talk about that.”

Mark sighed and ran his hand up and down Seb's arm to soothe him.

“It's alright. Just got the wind knocked out of me.”

Sebastian took a half step back.

“I've been squashing you. Oh Liebling I'm sorry. Does it hurt?” he asked anxiously.

“I'm okay.” Mark put a hand on his chest. “It's just where the seatbelts were.”

“Why aren't you at the medical centre?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Because I wanted to get back to you darling. I knew you'd be worried.”

“ _Mark_.”

“I'm fine.”

“You should be checked out properly.”

“They did check me out.”

“Not properly.”

“I'll be fine.”

“That was a big impact, two; the car, the barrier. You went in so hard.”

Mark was about to comment that he knew that seeing as he had been there, but Seb still looked so worried he hadn't the heart.

“The car protected me. It did its job. You know that's what it's designed to do; the bodywork absorbs all the energy. I just got thrown around a bit.”

“Mark.”

“I didn't hit my head. I'm not dizzy. I'm just gonna have some bruising.”

“Please Mark.”

 

They looked at one another, locked in a stand off, the anxiety building back up inside Sebastian until he thought he might cry again. Mark saw the look in his eyes and sighed.

“Will you feel better if I go and get checked out?”

Sebastian nodded, his eyes still big as he looked up at him plaintively. Ordinarily Mark would have teased Seb for pouting and trying to manipulate him, but the worry in those eyes was all too real. He let out a breath and stroked Seb's arm.

“Alright darling. I'll do the debrief and ask the team to let them know I'll swing by the medical centre just to be sure afterwards.”

Sebastian wanted to argue he ought to go now, but he knew Mark was already only agreeing to this for him.

“Okay. Thank you. I love you so much Liebling.”

“I know you do darling. I love you too. I was sat there in the car knowing you would be worrying, but the damn radio was bust.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian let out the longest breath, feeling drained now. He closed his eyes again and gave Mark a far more gentle hug.

“I just want to be sure you're okay,” Seb implored quietly.

Mark hugged him back.

“I know darling. It's alright.”

He kissed Seb's cheek and then gave it a stroke, getting Seb to look back at him again.

“You look very pale sweetheart.”

Seb pushed out a breath, only now really beginning to feel calmer.

“It just gave me such a fright.”

“Yeah, gave me a bit of a fright too.”

Sebastian nodded. He didn't want to bother Mark by telling him how upset he had got.

“I'm okay as long as you are,” Seb assured.

“I'll be okay. It wasn't fun, but I'll survive. I'll get this done and go get checked out, then we'll both be fine, alright?”

“Yeah alright.”

“I need to get on with it then. Are you going to come through?”

“Of course.”

  
  


They walked back through into the garage just in time to see the wrecked Porsche being returned. As the shattered remains of the vehicle was wheeled into place Mark sighed heavily wishing he hadn't made that joke about maybe not having a car to drive for the race. Both the front end and all of the driver's side was destroyed and that was before you got to all the parts you couldn't see. Mark was about to comment on it when he turned to Seb and saw his horrified face at the sight of all the damage done. Seeing it in the harsh bright light of the garage, Mark had to admit he was a little shocked too. The fact he had walked away largely unharmed was a minor miracle. A miracle of engineering and years of safety improvements, but a miracle nonetheless.

Seb really didn't look good though, so Mark decided he ought to kill two birds with one stone.

“Listen sweetheart can you do me a favour?”

“Hm? Yes, what?”

“Can you call my mum and dad, let them know I'm fine and I'll ring back as soon as I'm done?”

“Sure. Yeah. Yeah okay, of course.”

Mark suddenly felt guilty, knowing how worried his family would be, but as he glanced over to the team he could see them unhappily appraising the state of the car. He knew they were waiting to speak to him.

“Tell them I'll ring as soon as I can, okay?” pressed Mark.

“Of course.”

“You're alright to do that?”

“Course I am.”

Mark looked at him and gave Seb a nod.

“I'll try to get on as quick as I can,” Mark promised.

“Okay.”

Sebastian dug in his pocket to find his phone and saw he already had waiting texts from his family, but he had to call Mark's first, then he could call his own. He watched Mark walk away, then turned around to go back out of the garage once more.

 

Mark turned away wishing he really could go straight to get checked out to reassure Seb then go back to the hotel to lie down. He couldn't though. He sighed at the state of the car once more and knew he had to apologise to the team, whether or not he really felt he was at fault.

Speaking of fault, Mark wanted to ask after the other driver again. He might blame him for the crash, but Mark needed to know he was okay. He stepped in by his boss who put a consoling hand on his back.

“Mark.” Andreas sighed a long sigh and shook his head. “You're really feeling okay?”

“Um, yeah, pretty much. I think I might just go get a check when we're done.”

Andreas turned to face Mark and frowned.

“If you need to go to the medical centre...”

“I'll be okay. Just to reassure Seb.”

“Well...”

“After, okay? If someone could just let them know I'll be along?”

“Okay then. So...”

Andreas stepped out of the way and Mark's team-mates were over to check he was okay, all of them standing to the side of the car while the mechanics began to investigate just how bad things were.

It didn't look good.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian found the water bottle dumped on the floor outside. He didn't remember putting it there, but he took a grateful drink of it and stilled for a moment. Then he looked up at the dark sky, still clouded with no moon in sight, and silently said thank you. Focussing back on his task he went to sit down, choosing not to sit back on the crate, but on the concrete floor beside it, in-between another few crates. Here, with the Porsche trucks parked in front and crates either side, no one could see him. He put the water down beside him and bent up his knees, resting his head down. He was tired. So tired, and he wanted Mark back. Seb wanted to take him to the medical centre to be sure Mark was really fine and then go back to the hotel to lie down. No scratch that. He wanted to take them both home.

Seb knew he couldn't do that though. He needed to call Mark's parents. They'd be worried sick even if they had seen their son walk away from the crash. Sebastian took a calming breath and looked at his phone to pull up the number. He leaned back against the wall of the garage behind him and felt his shirt sticking to the cold sweat that had trickled down his spine. It felt horrible.

The phone was ringing as Sebastian held it to his ear.

“Seb?”

Sebastian forced his voice to sound as normal as he could make it. That was Alan's voice. He sounded tense. Of course he did. Seb knew what he needed to hear.

“Mark's fine. He's really fine, okay?”

“We saw him on television, in the garage.”

“Hm?” frowned Seb.

“The television. It showed Mark going back to the garage, giving you a hug,” explained Alan.

“Oh.”

Sebastian hadn't noticed any cameras being about, but at that point he hadn't cared about anything other than Mark.

“So he's really okay? That crash looked...”

“Yeah he says he's okay. It's just the door was damaged and was into the barrier so he couldn't get out.”

Alan hmmm'd and Seb could hear Diane in the background asking for the phone.

“Seb it's Diane.”

Sebastian smiled despite himself, thinking he was pretty clear on the difference.

“Is he feeling alright?” pressed Diane.

“Yeah he says he was just winded. He seems okay. He didn't want to go to medical, but he's going to go after they've finished. I made him promise. Just to be sure.”

Diane smiled.

“That's good. I'm glad you're looking after him. They're showing the garage on the television again,” she explained, and then sighed. “The car looks such a mess. Thank god he's okay.”

“Yeah.”

It came out more shakily than Sebastian intended and Diane heard it.

“Oh Seb sweetheart, are you alright?”

“I'm okay. Just...” Sebastian closed his eyes. “I was so scared I could hardly breathe.”

Seb's voice was so quiet it worried Diane.

“Seb?”

“Sorry.”

 

Sebastian wiped at his eyes with the his spare hand, cursing himself for letting out the tears he had been repressing. He was meant to be reassuring them, not adding to their worries.

“I'm okay. It just gave me a scare when it took so long,” he admitted, his voice still weak.

“Us too sweetheart. Of course it did, but they build those cars strong these days don't they?”

Seb nodded, redoubling his efforts to pull himself together. He swallowed hard and tried to make his voice sound normal.

“Yeah, course. And he's okay, the car took the brunt.”

“Yes, well they can rebuild the car I'm sure. As long as the two of you are okay that's all that matters. You're doing the right thing making sure he's checked by the doctors. Mark can be so stubborn about these things.”

Seb huffed a dry little laugh, thinking that sounded familiar.

“Then the pair of you get some rest,” instructed Diane. “It'll all seem better in the morning.”

“Okay. Thank you. And you're okay?”

Diane let out a sigh.

“I'm afraid we've seen too many of these before. Mark's made of stern stuff dear. He'll be alright.”

“Yeah. Yeah I know.”

“Alan wants a word.”

“Okay. Oh Di, sorry I didn't say; Mark says he'll call you back as soon as he can and he's sorry he couldn't call right away.”

“No that's alright.”

“He asked me to, so he can finish as fast as he can with the team.”

“Seb dear it's fine. Tell him not to worry. Take him to the medical centre. Tell him his mother says he's not to argue with you and then the pair of you are to go straight to bed after. It must be very late with you.”

Sebastian smiled at her solicitous tone.

“Yeah, gone midnight. I'll tell him.”

“You do that Seb sweetheart, and tell him he doesn't need to worry about calling us, just to see the doctors. One of you can send a text to let us know when you're done.”

“Thanks Di.”

“Alright, well take care of yourselves.”

 

Alan took the phone back.

“Okay Seb, well, what Di said times me. Tell Mark to stop being a silly bugger and let the docs look him over and then everyone can stop worrying. Alright?”

“Yep.”

“Good. And tell him that other driver was a bloody idiot and I hope he's banned.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I'll tell him.”

“There we are then. I'm sure they can work on the car. No point fretting over that. It's the contents that matter.”

“Mm.”

“What time is it with you?”

“Hm? Oh.” Seb looked at his watch in the low light. “Ten past twelve.”

“Right, well hopefully they'll call it a day soon. Like Diane says, just a quick text to let us know he's seen the docs and then get some rest. Oh and we'll call Leanne. She's already been on. So you don't need to do that.”

“Thank you Alan, Di, you're so kind. I'm meant to be cheering you up.”

“We're all on the sidelines together on this one son, so don't worry about it. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Do you think they'll be long?”

“I don't know. Half hour maybe. I hope no longer. I'll just ring my family and then I'll go inside to see.”

“Where are you?”

Sebastian glanced around. He didn't think 'sat outside hidden between packing crates in the dark' was a good answer.

“I'm outside.”

Alan shook his head.

“Well don't get cold. Go and give him a chivvy and be on your way. We'll speak to you when you get chance. Your tomorrow maybe.”

“Of course. Okay. I'd better go then.”

Diane leaned in to the phone.

“Love to you both.”

“Thanks, you too.”

“Bye then,” parted Alan.

“Bye. We'll let you know when we're all clear.”

“Alright then. Take care. Bye Seb.”

Sebastian hung up and sagged his head into his knees. Mark's parents were so nice. He wished they were there with him.

  
  


Ten thousand miles away Alan put the phone down and Diane shook her head.

“He sounded upset.”

“Yeah.” Alan sighed. “Ah well, he's had a nasty scare.”

“I think with what happened to him it makes it worse.”

“Mm.”

Diane looked at him and her husband rubbed her hand.

“He'll be okay. Mark's okay. Peas in a pod those two even if they don't look it,” he assured.

Diane gave him a resigned smile.

“Next time we should go over,” she proposed.

“To Le Mans?”

“Yes. It's such a long race; be moral support.”

Alan smiled.

“Who for? Seb or Mark?”

“Both. Right, give me the phone,” instructed Diane. “I'm calling Leanne. I can't believe poor Seb is having to make Mark see the doctor.”

“I can.”

“Hmm.”

Diane took the phone from him and was already dialling. She was going to tell her daughter that her brother was fine and advise her that she should on no account _ever_ allow Ryan to go racing.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian took a couple of minutes with his head tucked on his knees, hidden out of the way as he continued to work on recovering himself. Mark's parents had helped, but he just needed to feel a little more settled before he rang his own family. It was only really as he started to feel how cold he was that Seb stirred himself and picked up his phone to do another job of reassuring folk that Mark really was okay. He felt better now. Mark would get checked by the doctor then they could sleep it off and not think beyond that. It would be fine. Sebastian pressed dial and sat up straighter. Once this was done he could go back inside and see if Mark looked close to being done and then they could go.

 

Mark stood with the rest as the mechanics fed back their initial assessment of how the number one car was looking. In a word: bad. Things like wings and tyres could be fairly easily replaced, but the suspension was wrecked as were countless other aspects which basically added up to a near complete rebuild of the car. In a day.

It was now nearing half past twelve in the morning, so it was already Friday. Thankfully the car didn't need driving until Saturday morning when the warm-up session ran first thing. The car would need to be passed as fit to be on track officially by that point or they were done for. As Andreas spoke to the chief mechanic he was assured with reasonable confidence that it was possible. A challenge, but do-able. Mark knew the team were going to have to work their arses off if they were to achieve it though.

Andreas nodded, took a deep breath and turned back to the drivers and rest of the team who were gathered around watching.

“Well. There's not much we can do now except let them get on with it. You may as well go get some rest and be here for when we assemble tomorrow, sorry, later today, at one pm for a review meeting. We can see how we're looking then.”

Timo and Brendon nodded and Mark puffed a breath, looking half at them, half trying to catch the eyes of the already busy mechanics.

“Guys I'm so sorry.”

Andreas shook his head.

“Unavoidable accident. The stewards are looking at the other driver, but I think we're all clear he caused the incident. Nothing you could do. Okay?”

“Okay,” accepted Mark, feeling somewhat better as his team-mates nodded assent. “Right, well if we're done I'd better get on.”

“Sure.”

 

The other two drivers both gave him pats on the arm, sharing their opinion on the other driver's abilities or lack thereof once more before they noticed Andreas looked as though he wanted to speak to Mark and they said their goodnights.

“Mark,” began his boss. “Are you off for your check-up?”

“I'm sure I'm fine.”

“I'll send someone down with you.”

“Oh there's really no need. Seb'll be with me.”

“Just to feedback,” insisted Andreas.

Mark wanted to refuse, but you didn't refuse your boss. Mark was a little concerned as to what might be passed back to him, but surely he was fine? He could handle some bruises. No way was he going to not race.

He could see Sebastian stood waiting at the back of the garage and Mark knew he needed to get on.

“Sure, okay. Who's coming along then?”

“Um, one moment.”

Andreas turned and walked away to find a team member to accompany them and Mark went to the back to explain things to Seb who had all their things ready to go. Mark went to pick up his bag, but Sebastian shook his head.

“No you don't,” he warned.

“Seb.”

“No. Your mum says you're not to argue with me.”

Mark huffed a little laugh, then wished he hadn't when he felt how it hurt his chest.

“I knew you'd gang up on me. Alright sweetheart.”

He looked around to see who was coming with them and saw one of the general assistants had been deputed, merely giving him a nod before they set off.

  
  


  
  


  
  


In the medical centre Mark sat on the bed and allowed himself to prodded and poked. He was tired and frankly he would have preferred to have gone straight back to the hotel to lie down, but he'd given Seb his word and Sebastian now sat anxiously on a row of plastic chairs right outside the examination room so there was no escape.

“Okay so just take a deep breath in for me,” instructed the doctor.

Mark did as he was told and tried to hide the wince as he felt how much his chest hurt.

The doctor looked at him and Mark fought the urge to dismiss it once more.

“It's just where the seatbelts were doc,” he assured.

“Hmm.”

The doctor frowned and listened to his chest as he ran through things again.

“Does it actually hurt to breathe?” he checked.

“No only if you force it. I just need a rest. We've got tomorrow off.”

The doctor felt his chest and asked again if it hurt and pressed over his ribs to check they weren't broken or cracked. Mark was tempted to tell him it would hurt a damn sight less if he stopped prodding him, but he merely repeated that he knew there would be bruising. The doctor nodded and went on to do more checks to be sure Mark didn't have concussion before finally agreeing to let him go.

“So I'm fine then?”

“You need to rest and ice on that chest, then I want to see you tomorrow to see how you are.”

Mark wanted to argue, but there was no point. The doctor could decide to say he was unfit to race and then where would he be?

“Sure. What time?”

“As I said, you need to rest. Get a decent night's sleep and seeing as we're into the morning already, we'll say afternoon.”

“Mm, we have team things then.”

“Isn't it a day off?”

“A day off from driving. We have to see where we're at. See how the car is and then there's the parade in the evening,” Mark explained, thinking that surely the man ought to know how things ran at Le Mans.

“Well whenever you can fit it in. I will be here, just come along.”

“Okay.”

The doctor looked at him firmly.

“You must come at some point. I'm going to need to clear you to race.”

“I will. Hand on heart doc, I'll come find you. Late afternoon maybe.”

“As long as you do.”

“Sure.”

“And make sure you get some ice on where you're going to bruise.”

“Will do.”

“Very well then. This is my card. If you develop any difficulties in the meantime you need to call me.”

“I will.”

“Any increased chest pains, headaches, dizziness, sickness, anything else that bothers you call me. That is my mobile phone number. If there is _anything_ of concern, you ring it. Yes?”

“Yes course.”

“Good. Now then I'm going to give you some painkillers and when I see you tomorrow I don't want to hear that you managed without, because you won't be helping yourself, okay?”

Mark nodded. He couldn't deny that he needed them and with no driving on Friday to consider, all Mark wanted now was to sleep. If these pills helped then that was all to the good.

The doctor went to fetch the packet, then popped a couple out and handed them to Mark with a half cup of water to watch him take them.

Mark thought the doctor was fretting more than Seb, but it was kind of him to show such concern and to offer to be called out, so he thanked him and got the release he needed. Mark knew that now he had gone down to medical he would have to accept closer supervision seeing as it was tantamount to admitting the crash had hurt him more than he had initially admitted, but it was what it was. If it helped Seb feel better then it was worth it, and though Mark was still loathe to admit it, the painkillers were welcome.

“Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow then.”

“I will. Don't lose my card.”

“Sure.”

 

Mark pocketed the card and pulled his fireproof under-shirt back on, then re-knotted the arms of his race-suit around his waist and pushed his feet into his race-boots, trying to ignore how it ached as he had to lean down to fix them on. He grabbed his Porsche shell jacket and carefully pulled that on too, then with a nod of thanks he exited.

As Sebastian saw the door open he leapt up from his seat.

“So?”

Mark smiled.

“All fine. Just need to rest.”

“Nothing else?”

Mark paused. He owed Seb the truth. He'd rather the guy from Porsche was a bit further away, but he didn't want to walk away too obviously.

“Bit of chest pain,” Mark confessed, “but it's just the belts. He gave me some painkillers. I'll be alright with a bit of rest.”

“You're sure?”

Mark gave Seb a smile.

“Let me go didn't he?” he pointed out. “I'm gonna come back tomorrow so he can check I'm doing okay. That reassure you?”

Sebastian nodded, not wanting to make a fuss.

“Okay. Good.”

He leaned in to give Mark a very careful hug, trying to put no weight into him, then let out a relieved sigh and gave Mark a little smile.

“Can we go?” Seb asked.

“Well I kind of need to change first.”

“Right, but then?”

“Yep. I could do with a lie down.”

 

Mark looked over to his colleague, tempted to ask if he caught all that, but he didn't want to be rude so he gave him a quick précis and told him to tell their boss he would be fine after some sleep. The man set off in the direction of the garage as Seb and Mark headed for the base, Mark thinking how Andreas would no doubt be up half the night with the mechanics trying to see how the repair job was going.

  
  


  
  


The pair walked back into the Porsche base with Mark on the phone to his parents. He wanted to speak to them despite their instructions simply to text, if only selfishly for himself to know that they were okay. His mother repeated her earlier injunction that he should go and get some rest and Mark left off with assurances that he would, then made another quick call to his sister to let her know he was fine as well. He hung up feeling better for having spoken to them for all they said it wasn't essential and they would rather he took care of himself than worrying about them.

They walked into the base expecting it to be deserted in the early hours of the morning, but there sat on a chair in hospitality, his legs stretched out on another chair opposite, was Jenson. As he saw them walk in he roused himself and got up to meet them.

“Hey, you okay? What was the verdict?”

Mark smiled, gratified to see his friend's concern.

“Fine mate, just need a rest and a double-check tomorrow,” assured Mark.

Jenson frowned.

“They want you back in?”

“Just for a sign-off I think.”

“Right.”

Jenson looked at him and then Seb by Mark's side.

“Okay?” he checked.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. Thanks Jense. Sorry if I got a bit...”

Jenson shook his head.

“No mate, it's fine. Okay well, shall I hang on or..?”

Mark realised Jenson was waiting to see if he should walk back to the hotel with them. It was very kind, but in all honesty he'd prefer less fuss.

“Oh well I need to change. You get on,” he instructed.

“You're sure?”

“Yeah, thanks though.”

“Okay.”

“We'll see you in the morning, probably not for breakfast to be honest though.”

“Sure. Okay well... guess I'll get on then. I'm glad you're alright.”

“Me too mate,” agreed Mark with a smile.

 

Jenson smiled back and gave Mark pat on the arm, then with a nod to both of them he retrieved his bag and set off.

As they headed to Mark's room Seb looked at him.

“Jenson was very kind you know.”

“Hm?”

“He took me outside, as soon as I knew you were okay and coming back that is. I just needed some air.”

Mark frowned, guessing what that meant.

“Seb?”

“I was okay, just, it got a bit much.”

Mark sighed and put his arm around him.

“Ah sweetheart.”

They had reached his room so they went in and sat on the bed for a moment. Mark looked at Seb, leaning in a little to look at him.

“You didn't have an attack did you?” he checked.

Seb gave a little shake of his head.

“Not really.”

“Not really?” frowned Mark.

Sebastian put his hand on Mark's arm wanting to reassure him.

“I was okay once I'd calmed down a bit. I knew you were coming back. It was just...” Seb sighed. “I don't know, shock I guess.”

“Oh darling.”

“It passed, but the thought of something happening to you.”

Sebastian shook his head and closed his eyes to stop himself getting overwhelmed once more.

 

Mark sighed. He knew only to well what it felt like to watch the person you loved suffer a big crash and to have to wait to see if they were okay, worrying that they could be seriously hurt or even killed. He pulled Seb into his arms and held him there. Even though Seb was trying not to lean too much into him, it was a comfort to both of them.

“I'm okay Liebling,” assured Sebastian. “You're the one who's hurt. I should be looking after you.”

Mark gave him a kiss then released Seb so they could both take deep settling breaths.

“Okay,” decided Mark. “I can't be bothered showering here. I'll just get changed and we can get going.”  
  


Mark pushed himself to stand and started to pull his jacket off so he could change out of his race gear, but Seb saw the slowness in his movements.

“Let me help,” requested Seb in a tone that brooked no refusal.

Mark paused, and Sebastian was up by his side. He carefully began pulling Mark's jacket off for him, Mark moving to co-operate. He could have said he was capable of doing it on his own, but it had been somewhat painful redressing at the medical centre so Mark let Seb help, knowing it would at least make Seb feel a little better to do something practical.

As Sebastian knelt to tie the shoelaces on Mark's trainers he looked up to see Mark give him a smile.

“Thanks.”

Seb stood and gave Mark a nod.

“Shall we go then?”

“Yep,” agreed Mark.

This time he didn't say anything when Seb went to pick up his bag for him as they headed out. He was tired. All Mark wanted now was to lie down and sleep, hoping that in the morning everything really would be okay.

 

  
  


  
  


When they got back to the hotel Sebastian insisted on putting the ice-packs he had requested from reception on Mark's chest to help with the bruising, making him sit still while he did his best to look after him, though all either of them really wanted to do was sleep. By the time they settled into bed it felt very late indeed and Mark practically crawled into position. He lay down, thankful as he found the most comfortable position to rest on his back so no weight went into his chest, then he looked up and saw the way Seb was watching him. Mark went to open his mouth, but Seb shook his head.

“Don't say you're fine.”

“Seb,” sighed Mark.

Sebastian was sat in bed beside him. He turned, looking down at him and Mark would have sat back up, but he didn't think he had it in him right now.

“How bad is it?” pressed Seb.

Mark sighed another long breath and Sebastian shook his head again.

“Liebling, please. You have to be honest with me.”

“Sweetheart I'm tired.”

Seb lowered down, but he stayed propped up slightly on his elbow.

“How bad is it?” he repeated.

Mark didn't want to be having this conversation and his natural inclination was always to reassure Sebastian, but it was a choice between that and lying to him.

“My chest hurts a bit.”

“How much is a bit?”

Sebastian continued to look at him and Mark shook his head slightly.

“Don't give me those eyes sweetheart, I'm not up to standing up to them right now.”

“Mark you're in pain. What did the doctor say?”

“I told you. He just said I need to rest.”

“Maybe they should have done a scan?”

Mark sighed.

“It's just bruising.”

“Do you want the ice-packs back?”

Mark shook his head. He'd already endured fifteen minutes of leaning back on the sofa with Seb keeping them in place until his chest felt numb.

“No leave it for now.”

“You're meant to do it regularly.”

“Not through the night.”

“Do you think we should call the doctor?”

“No I just need to sleep. I'll feel better in the morning.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath trying not to let his fears run away with him.

“You promise me you'll tell me how you really feel?” he pressed.

It felt as if Seb was fretting, but Mark knew it was due to the fright the crash had given him. He reached out a hand and gave Seb a little pull to get him to lie down facing him on the pillow.

“Okay. My chest hurts a bit. Not terrible. Just if I strain it. It was the belts. I'll have some pretty bad bruising, but it'll heal.”

“You have to be belted in for the race on Saturday,” pointed out Seb.

“I'll forget it once I get going. I'll be okay.”

“It's a twenty-four hour race though.”

“Not all in one go. Besides I don't even know if the car will be fixed.”

Seb just looked at him and Mark took in a breath, then grimaced slightly.

“Oh Mark.”

“It'll ease off. I have had this before you know.”

“Hm.”

“So have you,” noted Mark. “You know what the belts do; They wind you and yeah it'll bruise and it won't be nice, but once I get driving the adrenaline will kick in and I'll be fine.”  
  


Sebastian was pouting at that and Mark was torn between smiling at his expression and sympathising.

“Darling I know it must have been very frightening.”

Seb nodded his head. Mark looked into his eyes and managed to reach a hand over to stroke Seb's arm.

“I _do_ know,” Mark repeated.

Sebastian nodded.

“I know you do. It's just, the idea of anything happening to you Liebling. I can't stand it.”

“I know.”

“If I lost you.”

Seb's voice caught and Mark sighed.

“Come closer sweetheart.”

“I don't want to hurt you.”

“Just...” Mark slipped his arm under Seb as he usually did, and Seb moved in so he lay up against Mark's side, but without putting any weight into him.

“Is that okay?” Seb checked.

“Yeah, it's fine.”

Sebastian tentatively reached his arm to rest on Mark's chest, letting it lie there as lightly as he could.

“Does that hurt?”

“No it's nice. I want you close sweetheart. But then I always do.”

 

Sebastian managed a little smile and stretched to kiss Mark's cheek, then rested down against the side of Mark's shoulder.

“I love you so much Liebling,” Seb whispered. “I couldn't live without you. You're my rock, mein Fels, my whole world. If anything happened to you...”

“It's not going to,” soothed Mark.

“I wouldn't cope. Even tonight. I was such a mess.”

Mark leaned his head towards Seb's.

“Of course you were upset. That's only natural darling.” He paused for a moment, then continued. “When you had your accident I threw up.”

“You threw up?”

“Yeah, right on the floor out the back of the garage when Christian was trying to tell me what was happening. I was so afraid and shock too I guess, I don't know, but I had no control over my reaction. That's called being human.”

“I didn't know.”

“Yeah well I've not really wanted to think about it much either.”

“No.” Sebastian let out a slow breath. “I'm sorry Liebling. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about things.”

“I know you're not. Today was scary. It scared me a bit too.”

“Did it?”

“Just the snap out of control. You know, that moment, you just think; 'Fuck, this could be bad and there's nothing I can do to stop it'.”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb.

“But once I'd stopped I was just more bothered about letting you know I was okay. I knew you'd be so worried.”

“I was.”

“Yeah.” Mark sighed. “I worry every time you get in the car, and I know you do the same.”

Seb nodded and they stared into one another's eyes.

 

“I don't know what to suggest,” admitted Mark. “I think we're just stuck with it.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark raised his hand to stroke along his arm where it rested against him. He took in a careful breath, not wanting to make his chest work too hard. He could see how much Seb was worrying still, so Mark looked at him before asking what he thought might be on Seb's mind.

“Do you want me not to race?”

Sebastian paused. A part of him did want that. He wanted to take Mark home right this instant so he could look after him. He didn't want to have to watch Mark climb back into the car and worry about another accident, worry about him hurting, worry about how he was going to get through such a long race. But that was selfish. That was about how _he_ felt and Seb knew that wasn't the deal here. This was Mark's race and what he needed to do was help him.

“No. I don't want that,” assured Seb. “I just want to be sure you're really okay.”

“Look I've got to see the doc again tomorrow anyway. In the meantime I'll just take it easy.”

“You'll tell me how you're feeling? Not just say you're fine?”

“I will. Hand on heart darling. I promise.”

“Okay. And I'll try to stop fussing.”

Mark smiled and stretched his neck just a little to give Seb a kiss.

“Not fussing, caring. I hope you'll never stop doing that.”

“I won't,” promised Seb.

 

He took a deep breath and kissed Mark's shoulder before lifting away to turn off the bedside lamp so they could get some much needed sleep. As he moved back into place Seb hesitated before putting his arm back across Mark.

“Are you sure it doesn't make it worse?” he checked.

Mark reached over and placed Seb's hand so it rested over his heart, leaving his hand over the top to keep it in place.

“There. Keeping me safe.”

He could feel the weight of it for sure, but Mark wanted the contact. He kept his head turned by Seb's on the pillow and spoke softly in the darkness.

“I love you darling. I love our life together. It's worth too much to risk that by doing anything stupid. I'll only race if I'm safe to do so, okay?”

“Okay.” Seb stroked his cheek against Mark's shoulder and felt himself slow inside as he allowed himself to relax.

Mark felt the warmth of Seb's hand slowly seeping into him where the ice-packs had been.

“Do I feel cold?” he enquired.

“You feel fine.”

“Okay.”

“I'm sure you'll be alright. Just go to sleep now,” soothed Seb.

“Yeah.”

Mark closed his eyes and felt the way Seb moved his thumb a fraction back and forth over his skin. It was a comfort. So was Sebastian's head by his shoulder, Seb's body pressed into his side, breathing softly. Mark took a careful deep breath and let it out as slowly as he could. It did hurt. He hoped to god he really would feel better in the morning.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so there we go, the first part of the longest race 'weekend' of the year for them. 
> 
> I have an essay to write, so I should be concentrating on that, but surprise surprise I'm doing this instead. Hopefully I'll have the next part up before long if people are caught up and want to know what happens next.


	139. Grit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the delay - I had a truly horrendous essay to write and submit, but that's done now thank heavens and I can get back to writing something I actually enjoy :)
> 
> Anyway, back to Le Mans, we move on to see if Mark and indeed the car are going to be in shape for the race.

 

* * *

  
  


 

The next day Mark needed no persuading to stay in bed until gone eleven when he knew he was permitted a late start with thankfully no driving. When he finally dragged himself up Mark sat on the edge of the mattress for a moment trying to judge how he really felt. Sebastian shuffled over to sit with him.

“Mark?”

Mark turned his head and gave a half-shrug.

“Yeah okay, still hurts,” he admitted.

Sebastian looked worried and reached to slip his hand into Mark's.

“When are you seeing the doctor?” he enquired, trying not to sound as worried as he felt.

Mark puffed a breath, then wished he hadn't.

“Afternoon. Whenever I can fit it in.”

Seb gave him a look.

“It's important.”

It was also unavoidable, thought Mark seeing as once he had put himself under medical scrutiny there was no more pretending he was unaffected by the crash. Now he was going to have to get approval from the doctor to be allowed to race which was almost as much of a pain as the injury itself, but perhaps it wasn't so terrible to have someone look him over before he got back into the car. Sticking his head in the sand did no good and Mark couldn't deny that the bruising hurt like hell.

“I know,” Mark agreed. “Okay, once we've looked at things in the garage and I know how we're getting on I'll go to the med centre.”

“Good.”

“I'll see the physio too.”

Sebastian nodded. He was studying the early bruising on Mark's body. It ran all the way down from his shoulders and across his chest as well as further down where the wide harness connected. He didn't want to touch it if it was painful for Mark, but he couldn't help staring. He looked up to see Mark looking back down at him.

“It's what we expected sweetheart.”

“Hmm,” frowned Seb.

 

 

He looked on the side for Mark's painkillers and handed them to him with some water before returning them to the bedside cabinet. Then Sebastian went and fetched the ice-packs from the little fridge-freezer in the room and sat back down beside him.

“Do I need to lie back and think of England?” teased Mark, trying to remove that worried expression on Seb's face.

“You need to lie back and stay still. These help the bruising,” instructed Seb as he put them carefully over where the worst of the bruising was on Mark's upper body.

Mark hissed as the coldness hit his skin, but he did as he was told and laid back and stayed still.

“Thank you,” accepted Mark.

Seb looked down at him and nodded.

“Just quarter of an hour then we'll get up, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark reached out a hand and pulled Seb to lie beside him.

“Five minutes then,” he accepted.

“Fifteen.” Seb gave him a stern look. “Do you want me to have to call your mum?”

Mark huffed a little laugh, thought it hurt to do so.

“Heaven help me. No. I'll be good.”

“Thank you.”

Seb lifted up and carefully leaned over Mark to give him a kiss.

“You be good and let me take care of you,” he instructed.

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“You can take care of me any time you like sweetheart.”

Sebastian moved away and shook his head.

“That is not what I meant.”

“Shame.”

“I'm pretty sure the doctor would disapprove.”

“The doctor's not invited.”

“We're trying to _slow_ blood-flow, not the other way around,” pointed out Seb.

“Oh. Damn.”

“Yes, so you behave.”

Mark tried pouting at him, but he was never as good at it as Seb so he gave up.

“Okay. I'll be a good boy and do as I'm told. Just lie beside me,” he requested.

Sebastian did as asked and lay by Mark, shifting up so he was alongside.

“That better?” Seb checked.

“Yeah, much better.”

“Good.”

  
  


Fifteen minutes later Sebastian checked the time, then removed the ice-packs.

“Do you want to try standing up?”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Are you my doctor now?”

Seb returned the look.

“Do you need a hand?”

“No I've got it.”

Mark stood, resisting the urge to put down at least one hand onto the bed to lever himself up. Sebastian stood watching his every movement.

“So?”

Mark cautiously moved his head from side to side to test his neck.

“Hmm, okay that's not so bad,” he reported.

“Okay. And the rest?”

“Well I don't think I'll be doing any yoga today.”

“Mark this isn't a joke.”

Mark puffed a breath, but he knew Seb was right.

“Alright. Sorry sweetheart, guess I'm just trying to cheer myself up.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah okay, but Liebling this is serious. If you're hurt you need to listen to the doctor.”

“I will do.”

“And if he says he thinks you shouldn't race?”

Mark sighed and closed his eyes for a moment before looking back at him.

“If he thinks I shouldn't race then I don't actually get much say in it,” he reminded Seb.

“And what if he says it's borderline and it's up to you to decide?”

“Darling you know how important this race is.”

“Is it more important than you being okay?” challenged Seb.

 

They looked at one another for a moment, then Mark spoke, trying to pacify him.

“Look, let's just wait and see what he says.”

Sebastian paused, then nodded.

“Alright. How are you feeling now though? And remember this is me you're talking to.”

Mark moved about a bit to see how things felt.

“Kindof stiff in the joints. The physio should help with that.”

“Anything else?”

“Just achy.” Mark put a hand on Seb's arm. “It's early days yet darling, let's just see how we go. The painkillers will kick in soon and I can get on with things, yeah?”

Sebastian nodded agreement, thinking that at least if the doctor and physiotherapist were treating Mark they would be able to judge how he was.

“Liebling you're not feeling like you have to race are you?” Seb checked. “You know, because you feel you have to for the team or about taking time out or...”

“Seb, sweetheart, come on, calm down.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh then looked up at him.

“I just...” he shook his head and looked down, “I don't want you forcing yourself to drive because you feel you have to.”

Mark stepped in a little closer and put his finger gently under Seb's chin to tip it back up so he was looking at him.

“Darling it's not like that. I want to race. This is Le Mans. I'll get through a little discomfort, okay?”

He removed his hand and Seb gave him a little not back.

“Okay. At least there's nothing until tomorrow.”

“Pretty much.” Mark gave Seb a reassuring smile. “Right, shower and breakfast or whatever we're calling it by this stage.”

“Okay.”

 

As they walked into the bathroom Mark caught sight of himself in the mirror and had to admit that if he saw Seb in this state he'd be making a pretty big fuss about it himself. He did look a mess, though he was sure it was mostly surface damage. He hoped the same was true of the car.

“Shower then?” prompted Seb.

Mark gave him a smile.

“Are you volunteering to help with the task?”

“Yes.”

“Well who could say no to that?”

Seb gave him a little smile back.

“I'll be very gentle Liebling.”

Mark stepped in closer to him and stroked over Seb's arm before giving him a kiss.

“You always are darling.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


By the early afternoon Sebastian and Mark were walking back through the paddock to the garage to see how the rebuild job was going. As they entered it was only too obvious that there was still a long way to go. The car was almost entirely deconstructed while the mechanics worked on it. Seb wasn't sure whether he ought to hang back, but he ended up walking over with Mark to speak with Andreas. He looked tired and Mark was tempted to ask how much sleep he had got, but instead his boss looked to him.

“Mark, how are you feeling?”

“Not too bad mate,” assured Mark, even though he knew that was partly down to the painkillers he had taken earlier. “Better than she is anyway.”

They all turned to look at the working progressing on the car and Andreas sighed.

“Yeah.”

“How are we looking?” asked Mark.

“They're hard at it.”

“Mmm.”

Everyone knew that meant they still couldn't say what the outcome would be.

“So,” continued Andreas, “when the rest come back again we'll go over where we're at. Assuming we can get the car ready in time we retained third, so that's not too bad.”

 

Mark nodded. There had been so little time left in qualifying after his crash that the status quo had held; Audi held the top spot while Porsche took second and third. In truth Mark knew they ought to be grateful for that much. If there had been more than a few minutes remaining and surely they would have been pushed even further down. That was of course using his boss's assumption that they _would_ be starting tomorrow. As Mark looked at the mechanics working away he wasn't at all sure that would be the case.

Sebastian by his side stood silently watching the same thing. He wondered if the mechanics had slept at all. These cars were their pride and joy. He knew that like his own guys they would have gone all out to try to pull it together again. The car may be in pieces right now, but at least all the obviously damaged parts had been stripped away which made it look marginally better. Seb wanted to ask how much internal damage there was, but it wasn't his place, so he stayed quietly in place, wondering if he ought to make himself scarce. Seb looked to Mark, trying to hint as much to him and Mark gave him an imperceptible nod, before turning to his boss.

 

“Um, so do we know how long we're likely to take? It's just I promised I'd get back down to medical this afternoon.”

Andreas frowned.

“I thought you said you were okay?”

“Yeah just a check up and then I'm seeing the physio after.”

“I see.” His boss looked at him. “Mark, there's nothing more serious is there?

“It's just to be on the safe side,” assured Mark. “I'm sure he'll give me the sign-off.”

“Well you're going to need to let me know. Should I send someone down with you?”

“I'm fine, really, it's no big deal.”

Andreas nodded.

“Okay, well we shouldn't be more than a couple of hours doing our review and going through things again for the race. Then you can head down and get yourself sorted out.”

“Will do.”

“Get back to me afterwards won't you?”

“Sure.”

Mark turned back to Seb who was hovering awkwardly a couple of steps away.

“Why don't you go back to the base rather than waiting around here?”

“I want to come with you to medical,” insisted Seb.

“Fine. I'll swing by on my way and collect you. Be a couple of hours or so, alright?”

“Yeah okay. See you later.”

 

Sebastian gave Mark a nod as he touched his arm.

“See you later then,” parted Mark.

Seb turned for the exit to see other team members walking in for the afternoon review. As he walked over he passed Jenson who stopped on seeing him.

“Oh hey, how're we looking then?”

Seb gave him a half-smile.

“Mark or the car?”

“Both.”

Sebastian looked back.

“Mostly external on both fronts I hope.”

“Good. Oh Jessy's arrived.” Jenson smiled to see Seb visible perk up at that. “She's back at the base waiting to see you mate.”

“I'm going there now.”

“Good stuff. See you later then.”

  
  


Seb headed out along the paddock. With the pit-walks going on today there were more people in front of the garages than behind them and he was glad of it. Today was hard enough without having to pretend he didn't notice all the people who stared at him as he tried to go about his business. As he walked back into the Porsche base Jess spotted him immediately and rushed over to give him a hug. She hung on to him and Seb stood hugging her back, soaking up the comfort of it.

“Oh Seb, how are you?”

Sebastian stood back and let out a long breath.

“Okay I guess.”

“And Mark?”

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“He says he's been worse.”

They looked at one another for a moment and Jess put a hand on his arm.

“Come and sit down,” she instructed.

Seb did as he was told and waited while she got him a water.

“Jenson said... last night, it was pretty scary, with Mark I mean,” Jess recounted.

“Yeah.”

Jess reached over and rubbed his arm.

“Ah Seb, are you really okay?”

Sebastian puffed a breath, then took a sip of water.

“It was pretty bad, but... he's okay, that's all that really matters.”

“Of course it is.”

“It's mostly bruising.”

“Mm.”

“It does look awful though,” Seb admitted.

Jess sighed and shook her head.

“The things you boys put yourselves through.”

Seb looked down and closed his eyes for a moment, unable to stop himself thinking back over how awful it had been last night before he composed himself and looked back up at her.

“He's going back to see the doctor later. It's mostly a check up, but he is feeling it today. That's just between us.”

“Of course.”

“I know he'll just push on through it unless the doctor says no.”

“Do you think that's likely?

“I dunno. Probably not. I think it really is just bruising, but it must be pretty painful. Mark won't want to admit that though. He'll just tough it out.”

“And what about you?”

Sebastian gave her a weak smile.

“I'll have to do the same. This race is too important to him. The only way he won't race is if he's stopped from doing so. I just have to support him.”

“It's hard though,” sympathised Jess.

“Yeah.”

“Are you really okay?”

“I have to be. It's not about me.” Seb looked over at her. “Last night he asked if I wanted him not to race.”

“And do you?”

Seb sighed and shrugged.

“A part of me just wants to take him home and make him rest, but that would be selfish. He watches me race. He had to do that when I came back in Austin last year and I know Mark must have been scared to death to see me back in the car, but he did it, so I have to.”

Jessica gave him a regretful smile.

“There are different forms of bravery aren't there?”

“I guess.”

“I don't think people realise if they've not been there.”

“You did it last year,” noted Seb.

Jess huffed a laugh.

“I didn't have to watch Jense get straight back in the car after he crashed and race on.”

“No, but he did go back the following race,” countered Seb.

“Yeah he did. At least he had a break though. Is Mark really going to be okay to race tomorrow?”

“He'll find a way. I just have to help him. I owe him that.”

“Hm.”

“To be honest he's probably right, once he gets going Mark won't be thinking about anything but racing.”

“And you?”

Seb huffed a sad laugh.

“I'll be terrified.” He looked at her. “You'll hold my hand won't you?”

Jess took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Always sweetie. We'll get through it together.”

Seb smiled and gave her hand a squeeze back.

“I'm very glad you're here.”

“Me too,” nodded Jess.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A little under two hours later Mark came by to meet Seb at the Porsche base with a message for Jess to let her know Jenson was still at the garage and would be a while longer. Jenson had stayed to continue talking with the team ahead of the race, but Mark had finally decided that he had to make a move once the main preparation meeting was over. They left her in hospitality and walked to the medical centre once more, Seb taking Mark's hand as they walked along.

As they got further on, Sebastian looked to Mark and decided he ought to say what had been bothering him all day.

“How are you feeling now?” he enquired.

Mark looked to him.

“I thought I hadn't reached the doctor yet,” he joked.

Seb looked at him and Mark felt guilty for making light of it when he knew Seb was worrying. He stopped and turned to him.

“I'm doing okay.”

“Are you?” pressed Seb.

Mark let go of his hand and shrugged.

“I'm getting checked out aren't I?”

“Yes but you won't just say you're fine to him will you?”

“Seb.”

“No please Liebling I know I'm nagging, but you need to be honest with the doctor. Don't play it down.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“It's just bruising darling. Come on, we've both raced a bit knocked about before.”

A horrible look passed over Seb's face and Mark suddenly felt terrible for the thoughtless expression when he knew Sebastian had raced with hidden injuries that were nothing to do with accidents. He reached out and put a hand on his arm.

“Oh sweetheart I'm sorry.”

Seb shook his head as if literally shaking the comment away and Mark stepped closer.

“That was a stupid thing to say. I'm so sorry,” he apologised again.

“It's okay.”

“I didn't mean...”

“I know you didn't.”

Sebastian looked him in the eye, knowing Mark felt guilty.

“It's alright Liebling. I know you didn't mean that. I understand how much being able to race this weekend means to you too. I just want to be sure you're getting all the care you need.”

“Okay.”

 

The both took re-settling breaths and paused before continuing on, Mark now walking with his arm around Seb. As the reached the medical centre Mark stopped them outside and he turned to Sebastian once more.

“I really am sorry darling.”

“Mark's it's okay. I know you meant racing stuff.”

“Yeah. Okay. I will be honest with the doc I promise.”

Seb nodded.

“I didn't mean to imply you'd lie.”

“No, but I get you want me to be straight with him. Look, do you want to come in with me?”

“I don't need to supervise you.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I didn't mean that either. I meant so you feel better hearing what the doc has to say, from the horse's mouth as it were.”

“I'm sure he'd be thrilled to be referred to that way.”

Mark was glad to see a smile on Seb's face as he said that and smiled back at him.

“You want me to ask if you can come in?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Good.”

Mark leaned in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek, more concerned that Sebastian be reassured and that they were okay than anything else right now.

“Right, in we go then,” encouraged Mark, taking Seb's hand to walk into the building.

  
  


 

A few minutes later Mark lay back on the bed in the examination room, Sebastian sat on a plastic chair over on the other side of the small room, the doctor having agreed to his presence. He stayed quietly in the background, continuing in what felt his role for the entire week: to witness and support without getting in the way.

The doctor went through his checks again, Mark answering his questions as they went along. He felt comfortable that he was being honest when he confirmed that he had suffered no problems with headaches or dizziness or anything like that, but when the doctor looked over his bruising and asked how it felt, Mark did have to admit that it was painful.

“Have you been taking the painkillers?” enquired the doctor.

“Yep.”

“And it still hurts?”

“When they wear off it does.”

“Hmm.”

The doctor felt over Mark's lower ribs.

“How's that?” he checked.

Mark glanced to Seb sat a few feet away and remembered his promise.

“Yeah that's not so bad. It's further up,” Mark directed.

The doctor felt higher up onto Mark's chest where the pressure of the seatbelts had been worst and Mark allowed himself to wince a little.

“Yeah that'd be it mate,” he agreed wryly.

The doctor 'hmm'd' again, then paused for a moment thinking about it.

“I wonder if it might be worth doing a scan,” he proposed.

Mark's instinct was to say that was totally unnecessary, but he spotted how worried Sebastian looked to hear that.

“Look doc, I really do think it's just bruising, but if you think it's worth a look to be sure it's nothing else, then I guess that's fine,” he agreed.

The doctor nodded.

“Just to be certain that there is no internal damage or possible fractures.”

“Ah I really don't think there's fractures,” began Mark, but then he caught himself and revised his comment down. “But if you think we should rule that out, then okay.”

“Okay. Give me a moment to set that up. We have a mobile scanner in another room.”

Mark nodded.

“This isn't going to stop me racing is it?” he checked.

“Not if we're all clear.”

“Right.”

 

The doctor made a few notes, then excused himself to arrange the scan and Sebastian rose from his seat to go over to where Mark sat up on the examination bed, his regulation team t-shirt and hoody removed so his injuries were on show for the doctor.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“Better safe than sorry, right?”

Sebastian nodded, knowing Mark was doing this for him. He leaned in and gave him a kiss. As Seb stood away Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Ah well there's my incentive for behaving myself, eh?”

Seb gave him a half-smile.

“I'm sure it'll be okay,” he reassured.

Mark nodded, praying the scan would give him the all clear, or he was screwed.

 

A few minutes later they were in the other room, Seb stood back out of the way looking over anxiously as the doctor scanned Mark's chest. Then while Mark sat back up from where he lay, the doctor spent some time looking closely at the results. He peered in to examine the detail, then nodded slowly, both Seb and Mark waiting on tenterhooks to hear what the diagnosis was.

“Okay, so I can't see anything.”

Mark let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding and Sebastian over to the side sighed with relief, making the doctor smile.

“Good news then,” he nodded.

“Yeah I'll say mate,” agreed Mark.

“I did think there might be a couple of hair-line fractures,” noted the doctor, “but it seems you've got lucky. I can't detect any actual muscle damage either so I'm happy to say it is just serious bruising.”

“That'll heal though right,” Mark added, largely for Sebastian's benefit.

“Mm.”

“So I'm cleared to race?”

The doctor paused.

“Ideally I would say you would be better off resting and actually allowing yourself to recover.”

Mark gave him a look.

“Listen doc. I'll do that after the race. You know how big a deal Le Mans is. I feel okay. After the weekend I'll rest all you like and I'll be fine, yeah?”

 

The doctor puffed out a breath as he appraised the earnest expression on Mark's face. He knew racing drivers were notorious for wanting race no matter what had befallen them, and it was his job to be the voice of reason, but given that the scan hadn't shown anything he didn't want to dash all Mark's hopes when the doctor did appreciate what this race meant.

“Okay, well I'm not going to say no, but I want you to rest as much as you can beforehand.”

“Will do doc I promise.”

“And I want to give you a once-over tomorrow morning to be certain you're improved enough to race.”

Mark wanted to argue, but he needed the doctor onside and he didn't want to push his luck.

“Yeah okay,” he agreed. “I'm going to see my physio after this. I'm sure he help get me in shape.”

The doctor nodded.

“Very good. Alright well I'll see you again in the morning then.”

“It'll have to be first thing. We've got warm-up at nine.”

“That's not a problem. I shall be here from seven.”

“Right, I'll be in as soon as I can.”

“Okay I'll see you then.

“Just for a last check right doc? I really am fine,” asserted Mark.

“I just want to see that for myself and be sure you're in condition to race safely both for the sake of yourself and others. I have a duty of care Mark. You understand that?”

Mark nodded.

“Yep. Yep, okay I understand.”

“Very well. Right well you can get dressed and go to see your physiotherapist then.”

 

The doctor stood back and Sebastian came over from where he'd been stood out the way holding Mark's shirt and zip-up hoody. Seb wanted to help Mark dress, but he guessed Mark wouldn't want to show any hints of infirmity to the doctor when he was doing his best to ensure the doctor didn't declare him unfit to race. He passed Mark one item then another and allowed him to pull them on himself, wondering if the doctor saw the slowness of Mark's movements in the same way he did when Seb sat Mark dress normally every day. Mark managed it well enough though and shuffled off the bed to stand before offering out his hand to the doctor.

“Right, thanks then mate. I'll see you first thing in the morning then.”

“Yes. Rest as much as you can in the meantime.”

“I will.”

“And keep using the ice-packs,” advised the doctor.

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Don't need to tell me mate, Seb's the one in charge.”

The doctor turned to look at Sebastian and Mark smiled.

“He's doing a very good job of setting me right,” he praised.

“Glad to hear it,” acknowledged the doctor. “Very well, Seb, thank you.”

The doctor offered out his hand to shake Sebastian's hand as well, then gave them another nod as he opened the door to let them leave.

  
  


As the exited the medical building Mark puffed out a long breath.

“Bloody hell. That felt like a close shave,” he admitted.

“You're alright though and we know that for sure now,” justified Seb.

Mark regarded him, not wanting Sebastian to feel guilty for pushing him to have increased medical investigation.

“Yeah guess so. He still wants a last look though.”

“I'm sure it's just a sign-off,” assured Seb.

“Mm, guess so. Could do without it, but yeah, guess he wants to encourage me to be sure I do what he says and rest.”

“Which you do need to do.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Yeah alright sweetheart. I will.”

Sebastian pushed up to give Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“I'm very glad the scan didn't show anything,” he admitted.

“Yeah mate, believe me, so am I,” smiled Mark.

“Yes but not just because I'm glad you're okay, although obviously that's the most important thing, but I am glad you're okay to race,” Seb explained.

“Me too darling, very relieved. Once he gives me that sign-off.”

“He will. It's just a last look so he knows he doesn't have to worry about you.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“I don't know that he's worrying about me.”

“Well I'm sure he wants you to be okay,” argued Seb.

“Mm, I suppose. Anyway, the scan was clear. That's the main thing, I can't imagine he'd really say no tomorrow. It's just a formality.”

“Sure. Thank you for agreeing to it.”

Mark gave a shake of his head.

“Nah, you're right, better to be sure. Done now anyway.”

“I'm not channeling your mother too much am I?” checked Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh and kissed him on the cheek.

“No course not. If we were the other way around I'd be exactly the same as you sweetheart.”

“Okay.”

“Although I'm sure my mum would thank you for making me be sensible.”

“I don't want to make it any harder on you.”

“You're not. You're helping look after me.”

“I don't mean to be naggy.”

“It's fine. You're just concerned. And I'm sorry about my stupid big mouth earlier.”

“No that's okay.”

“Thank you darling. Alright well we're both tired aren't we? Doesn't help matters. We'll get as early a night as we can tonight, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.”

 

Sebastian took Mark's arm and they walked back towards the Porsche base where Mark was going to his session with his physiotherapist. Mark felt how firmly Seb was holding onto him and put his hand to rub over Seb's where he held on, knowing how much of an ordeal this was for Sebastian too.

“Not much more to get through today,” he reminded.

“Good.”

“You sticking with me or do you want to find Jess for a coffee?”

“Umm,” prevaricated Seb.

“It's fine sweetheart, have a break. I won't be too long. I'll get it over with, then bob back down to the garage to let Andreas know how I got on and check on the car, then we can head off.”

“Okay, thanks Liebling.”

 

Sebastian pulled out his phone and sent Jessica a text.

SEB: Hey, you still about in hospitality?

He got an almost immediate reply.

JESS: Yep. Bored out of my tiny mind. Please tell me you're coming to rescue me?

Sebastian laughed and showed the message to Mark who smiled.

“Oh dear. Think Jense must still be down the garage gabbing.”

“Poor Jess.”

“Well there you go, you can go amuse her while I'm busy.”

Seb nodded and sent a quick reply.

SEB: On my way. See you in a minute.

 

Moments later they walked back into hospitality and found Jessica exactly where they'd left her. She already had a coffee waiting for Seb and looked to Mark apologetically.

“Oh sorry Mark I thought it was just Seb.”

“It is,” smiled Mark. “I'm off to the physio.”

“Ah okay.”

Mark turned to Sebastian.

“See you in a bit then darling.”

“Yep. Hope it's okay.”

“Be fine,” assured Mark with a nod then a look back to Jess. “I'm gonna swing by the garage after. I'll tell Jenson to stop neglecting his better half.”

Jess smiled.

“Thank you. Medical was okay then?”

“Yeah. We're just being extra cautious aren't we?”

Sebastian gave him a smile and Mark responded with a quick kiss goodbye before heading off, leaving the pair of them to chat. Mark knew Seb was bound to tell Jessica all about that past hour, but at least he would be telling her about a clear scan and not something worse.

  
  


  
  


Mark walked out of his physio session feeling worse than when he had gone in. His whole body ached and the pummelling it had just received hadn't helped him feel any better, although he had to trust that it would in time. He went back down to the garage to see how they were doing with the rebuild and see if there was anything more to discuss in preparation for the race. Mark also went to speak with his boss, updating him on how his medical had gone. Andreas looked alarmed to hear Mark had undergone a scan, but Mark assured him that it really was more about the doctor covering himself to be sure they had made certain he was okay to drive.

“So there's nothing I need be concerned about?” checked Andreas.

“No as I say it was totally clear mate, just a precaution,” stated Mark.

“But he still wants to see you in the morning?”

“Just doing his job. There's nothing to worry about.”

“Hmm. Alright well I'm going to need that sign-off.”

“Won't be a problem.”

 

Andreas looked at him, wondering whether he needed to have an alternate lined up just in case, but he supposed if the scan had been clear it had to be just a matter as Mark said of the doctor wanting a last look over him before he raced. Mark gave him a solid nod to make it clear he need have no doubts and Andreas nodded back determining to speak to the doctor himself once he was gone, just to be reassured. He really had enough worries to be dealing with right now.

“Good. Glad to hear it. Well we're looking better with the car.”

Mark smiled, pleased at the change of subject.

“Yeah. They're really doing a number on her.”

“We have a good team,” confirmed Andreas. “We're all going to need to be on form for tomorrow.”

“Yeah mate.”

Andreas looked at him then nodded.

“Very good. Right, well you might as well get on.”

“Thanks. I guess I'll see you in the town centre later?”

“Mm, just briefly, then I'm coming back here.”

“Ah right.” Mark paused, thinking how hard his boss was working and the pressures he was under in his role. “How are you doing mate? You must be knackered.”

Andreas smiled, more used to being the one making the enquiries of that nature.

“I'm okay. I will be better once we are all set tomorrow.”

“Yeah I hear you. Well I hope you don't have to stay late.”

“As do I,” allowed his boss.

“I'll get out of your hair then. See you in a bit,” parted Mark.

Andreas gave him a nod and Mark made his exit.

  
  


A few minutes later Mark had collected Sebastian and they were walking back to the hotel to change for the evening. Despite their lie-in, Seb thought Mark seemed tired.

“Do you really need to be at the parade?” pressed Seb, thinking Mark would surely be better off resting instead.

“Yeah I do. You know I do sweetheart.”

Sebastian sighed and took Mark's arm as they walked along.

“It might just be for show,” continued Mark, “but the symbolism is important.”

“For the team?”

“Well for me too. I can't go slinking off licking my wounds. How would that look?”

“It would look like you were taking care of yourself.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, it would look like I was hurt.”

“You _are_ hurt.”

“I'll be alright. All I've got to do is sit and wave. I'm up to waving aren't I?”

Sebastian still wanted to argue that Mark could do without it, but arguing wasn't helping.

“Yeah okay,” Seb agreed. “It won't finish late will it?”

“No, shouldn't be much past eight. Then we can have a quiet dinner at the hotel with Jenson and Jess then have an early night.”

“Alright then.”

“Good.” Mark looked to Seb. “You know Porsche need to see me as a team-player.”

“Oh Liebling they do already,” protested Sebastian.

“I need to be irreplaceable.”

“You are.”

“Hmm.”

“You are to me.”

Mark smiled and placed a hand over Seb's where he held onto his arm.

“Thank you sweetheart. You too, but I'm just going to have to tough it out this weekend. We've got ten days at home after this. You can take care of me all you like when there's no one else around.”

“Can't show weakness,” noted Sebastian.

“No, not to the opposition or the team unfortunately. Just the way it is. You know that.”

“Mm,” agreed Seb.

“And the doc's still going to take a quick look at me in the morning to be sure I'm okay.”

“Yeah well that's good. Are you going to see the physio again too?”

Mark laughed.

“More torture. Yeah. I'll let them do whatever they want as long as I'm able to be strapped into the car tomorrow.”

“And the car?”

“She's suffering too poor thing,” smiled Mark. “I dunno, think they were nearly there.”

“I hope they're getting an early night tonight.”

“The mechanics?”

“Yeah.”

“Mm, me too. I'm pretty sure Andreas will insist on it. We're going to need them in decent shape for the race.”

“I hope not.”

“You hope not?” frowned Mark.

“I hope you don't need them, or the car won't need them I mean,” Seb explained.

“Ah. Yeah me too. Oh well, fingers crossed for everything.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark gave Seb's arm a little pat where he held on to him to try to cheer him up.

“Are you going to wave to me later then?”

“Of course. Jess and I can walk you both down and then go stake out a good spot.”

“Righto, thank you darling.”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“Someone's got to keep an eye on you.”

Mark laughed.

“Mum and Dad are threatening to come next time.”

“That'd be nice.”

“Yeah it would be actually, even if you and Mum gang up on me.”

“We do not gang up.”

Mark grinned and turned his head to give Seb a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes it wasn't so bad to be ganged up on.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A couple of hours later Sebastian stood with Jess at the barriers near the centre of town. It wasn't as warm as the year before so he currently wore one of Mark's Porsche hoodies and felt better for it in more ways than one. As they waited he turned to Jessica who was wishing she had a hoody too instead of the thin cardigan she had over her dress.

“Jess, you won't mind if we duck out early tonight will you?” Seb checked.

“Course not.”

“Sorry, it's just Mark really needs to rest.”

“It's fine Seb. We get it.”

“Thanks.”

“He seemed okay just now,” commented Jessica.

“Mm.”

Seb could have told her that although Mark had greeted their friends chirpily enough and chatted all the way down to the assembly point of the parade, right before that Sebastian had had to help Mark pull his team race-suit on, as bending too low was still painful and that race-suit hid a body covered in terrible bruises. Sebastian knew what it was like to smile though pain like that, to race on regardless. His one comfort was that he also knew that Mark was correct when he said he wouldn't be thinking of that while he raced. Everything else went away as you focussed on driving.

He gave Jess a smile.

“He'll be okay.”

“Course he will. Aussie Grit.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, pure grit,” he agreed.  
  


Not too long later they saw the cars approaching and waved to each of them in turn. As Seb smiled and waved at Mark sat in his classic car he thought how handsome he looked in the early evening light, his chiselled jaw emphasised by dark stubble. He wanted to reach out and stroke it, to kiss him and tell Mark how though it drove him mad, Seb was still proud of him pushing on despite everything, but that would have to wait until later. The car moved on and Mark gave him one last wave and a smile before he was out of sight. Sebastian looked at the crowd around them and thought how little they knew. Though Mark wasn't raising his hand high to signal to the crowd or getting up and down like some of the over-excited participants, he really did look fine as he sat there waving. Appearances could be deceiving, but appearances mattered.

  
  


  
  


Mark was glad when they got the release to leave after the parade. It was going to be an early start in the morning and if he was honest, Mark was tired. Achy and tired and in need of a lie down, but he wasn't about to admit it, not even to Jenson who was by his side as they headed back to the hotel to be reunited with their other halves. As they walked along Mark thought how he could take some more painkillers when he nipped upstairs to change, then as soon as they'd eaten with their friends, rude or not, Mark was going to call it a night.

“The guys have done well,” noted Jenson.

“Hm?”

“On the rebuild. Sounds like you're back in business.”

“Yeah. Yeah they've worked bloody hard on her.”

“She was a bit of a mess.”

“Mm.” Mark turned to look at his friend. “You know mate, I don't think I've really said thank you for being there for Seb.”

“No need.”

“There is.”

“Well anyway, I'm just glad everyone's okay.”

“Seb's thankful too I'm sure.”

“I've no doubt. He was pretty worried for you.”

Mark smiled.

“I meant thankful to you.”

“Oh.” Jenson shrugged. “He said thank you earlier, but there's no need. We stick together don't we? If anything happened to me you guys would take care of Jess wouldn't you?”

“Of course we would, though I hope we don't have to.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

The pair of them were quiet for a moment, then Mark gave Jenson a little pat on the back.

“I'm glad you jumped ship and came to join us here at Porsche you know mate.”

Jenson smiled, then raised an eyebrow.

“You say that now. When I'm blocking you from overtaking this time tomorrow you might not so glad about it.”

Mark laughed.

“Perhaps not. Ah well, until then.”

“Yeah, till then,” agreed Jenson.

  
  


  
  


Little more than an hour later Mark and Sebastian had eaten their rapid dinner, made their excuses and disappeared back up to their room.

“I feel like a bath,” stated Mark as they walked back in and shut the door behind them.

“A bath? You wouldn't rather just go to sleep?”

“I think it'd help relax my muscles. Then I'll sleep better.”

“You can't have it too hot,” warned Seb.

Mark wanted to roll his eyes at him playing doctor again, but he knew Seb was right.

“Yeah okay.”

“Right, well I'll go run it.”

Mark started to peel his clothes off while Sebastian went into the bathroom. He sat down on the bed to help hitching his jeans off without having to bend down too far and hoped to goodness this feeling was gone in the morning or for all his assurances, Mark knew repeated stints of driving were going to be hellish.

 

Seb came back out of the bathroom and Mark could hear the water running in the background.

“Are you going to get in with me?” Mark asked.

“And lean all over you? No.”

“You don't have to lean on me.”

“I don't know how else to do it unless we swap places,” admitted Seb. “Do you want to try that?”

Mark smiled.

“I think I'll squash you.”

“It's okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. It's fine. Unless you'd rather just you?”

“Nope. Far better with you darling.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“That's fine then.”

Sebastian didn't much need a bath, particularly a lukewarm one, but he knew how lying with Mark always made him feel better. If he could do that for Mark then he would take being slightly squashed in the process.

  
  


When the bath was full Mark allowed Seb to give him a hand climbing in, sitting forwards as Seb found a way to slot in behind him. Mark turned and gave him a smile.

“This feels weird.”

“The cooler water or us?”

“Both. Thank you though.”

“Do you want me to wash your hair?” offered Seb.

Mark grinned, but Sebastian shrugged.

“It feels nice when you've done it for me,” he recalled.

“Yeah okay then.”

“Good. Pass me that jug and the shampoo,” instructed Seb.

Mark did as he was told and sat still as Sebastian arranged himself to work.

“Tip your head back a bit,” Seb requested.

 

Mark did so, then closed his eyes as Seb carefully poured water over his head to wet his hair. It did feel cool, but as Seb added the shampoo and gently massaged it into his hair Mark could feel himself relaxing.

“That's nice,” he praised.

Sebastian smiled and leaned around to kiss Mark's cheek.

“Good. Now, I need to rinse.”

Mark tipped his head back again to allow Seb to wash the suds away.

“Thank you darling. Do you want me to do you?”

“No I'm fine.”

Sebastian put the jug back on the side of the bath out of the way then leaned into Mark's back where they sat. He put his arms lightly around him and rested his chin on Mark's shoulder, resting their heads together.

“I love you so much Liebling,” Seb sighed.

Mark folded his arms over Seb's and closed his eyes.

“I love you too darling. It's going to be okay.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian closed his eyes as well, trying to concentrate on how nice it felt and not think about how frightened he had been when Mark crashed or how he was going to feel when he had to watch Mark get back into the car tomorrow.

 

They sat that way for a while, both thinking that it would be nicer if the water was warmer, but they had to make the best of what they had and it felt good to be so close.

“Do you want to lie back?” asked Seb.

“I'm too heavy.”

“No you're not. I'll be okay, just rest into me. I'm not that delicate.”

Mark smiled.

“Okay.”

They both leant back, Seb resting into the end of the bath, Mark into him. It did feel odd, and Mark was heavy against him, but Seb wasn't going to complain.

“This alright?” he checked.

Mark tried to angle his head so he could see Seb.

“Yes, thank you, though I think I like our normal way.”

“Me too.”

“I'm not too heavy?”

“No. Just relax. We can have a normal bath when we're back home.”

“Is that a promise?”

“Yes, anything you like.”

 

Like this Mark couldn't stretch his legs out fully as the bath wasn't long enough with him sat in front, but it still felt good to lie in the water with Seb. He closed his eyes again and allowed himself to feel taken care of without having to pretend to anyone that he was fine. Mark let out a long slow breath and decided not to think about tomorrow or anything to do with driving at all.

Sebastian could feel Mark's muscles relaxing as he lay into him. It did feel a little strange to be the one doing the looking after. He wondered whether he had grown too used to Mark taking care of him, if he had grown dependent on it. If they had a child Seb knew he would have to get used to not being Mark's priority anymore. Neither of them would be the priority. He knew that was the deal. If they had a child then they became number one. He and Mark would still take care of each other, but a child, especially a baby, would have to be top priority no matter what else was going on, whether at a race or at home.

He tried not to think how this would be if they had a child and Mark was hurt in a race. How terrifying that would be. The idea of Mark getting really hurt, or even worse, was horrific, but if they had a child? What if something happened to Mark and Seb was left alone with a child? He couldn't bear to even imagine it. What if he was here in years to come with a child in tow and Mark had an accident?

 

Seb took in a deep breath and as he tried to push that awful idea away, he realised that if that really happened he would just have to cope. No falling apart, no meltdowns, no panicking. If he had a child in his care, their child, then Seb knew suddenly that he would just have to deal with it. He would have to take care of them. That was all there was to it. A child would be far more frightened than him and his job would be to reassure them and protect them from any fears Seb himself might have. He would be a parent and that was what parents did, or should do at any rate. It wasn't a question of whether he could do it. He would _have_ to do it and that was the end of the story. If you loved someone enough then it wasn't a question. He loved Mark and he was doing his best to put him first. Seb knew he would love their child and god forbid the need arose, he would put them first and get them through it.

Sebastian closed his eyes and wanted to squeeze Mark so tight. He prayed with all his heart that the need to cope like that never occurred.

“You just have to be okay,” whispered Seb. “I need you.”

Mark opened his eyes and stroked over Seb's arms where they were wrapped lightly around him.

“I'm not asleep.”

Seb took in a deep breath, hardly realising he'd said that out-loud.

“Sorry.”

“Don't be. I need you too. It's alright.”

Mark sat himself up and turned slightly towards him.

“Come on, enough of this cold water, let's get out.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. You can torture me with ice-packs again.”

“They help.”

“I know sweetheart.”

 

They climbed out and dried off, cleaning their teeth so they would be ready for bed, then Mark settled down with a towel wrapped around his waist, reclining on the bed while Seb got the ice-packs again.

“Ready?”

Mark looked up from where he lay propped on a couple of pillows.

“Fifteen minutes?”

“Yes, then we can go to sleep.”

Mark lay his head back.

“Do your worst.”

Seb placed the ice-packs on his chest and Mark did his best not to flinch.

“Okay?” checked Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“Helps, right?”

“Right,” agreed Seb.

 

When the requisite time had passed Seb lifted the ice-packs off and Mark tipped his head to look at his own chest.

“Does that feel better now?” asked Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Does now you've taken them off.”

Sebastian smiled despite himself and went to put the ice-packs away as Mark ditched the towel to settle properly into bed. The duvet was only half covering Mark as Seb joined him, removing the towelling dressing gown he had been wearing to put on the side. He climbed into bed beside him, then ran a hand over where the bruises were on Mark's chest.

“I think they're looking a bit better,” offered Mark.

Seb thought they actually looked far worse now the bright purple marks had gone darker and Mark was literally black and blue, though he didn't think saying so would help.

“I'm sure they're starting to heal,” agreed Sebastian, hoping that would make him feel marginally improved.

“Mm well let's hope so. I'm knackered though,” admitted Mark, “shall we go to sleep?”

“Course.”

“Make sure you wake me in the morning.”

“I will I promise,” assured Seb.

Sebastian reached over to turn off the light, then settled into bed, pulling the duvet over the pair of them. He moved in as close as he could and Mark turned a little to reach to kiss him.

“You're a very good doctor,” praised Mark.

Sebastian smiled in the darkness.

“Thank you Liebling, but you'll still see the real one in the morning.”

“I will. I've got to be cleared to race.”

“You will be.”

“I'd better be.”

“You _will_ ,” soothed Seb. “So will the car. It's all going to be fine.”

Mark leaned his head down so he could rest his forehead into Seb's beside him. He was tired, so tired. He sighed and closed his eyes, hoping morning wouldn't come too soon.

 

  
  


 

 

  
  


  
  


Early next morning Mark was uncertain as to whether to be more anxious that he, or the car would be passed as fit to race, despite all assurances that surely they would be. They arrived early at the track, though it had been a wrench to climb out of bed where he had been warmly snuggled up to by Sebastian. After dropping their things off at the base they had gone first to the garage where Andreas and many others in the team were already at work. His boss assured him that things were looking good, but they needed official approval.

“Yeah, okay mate, well in that case do you mind if I get on and bob back?” checked Mark.

“You've still got to go to medical?”

“Yeah. Just got to get passed. I'm really feeling much better.”

His boss studied him for a moment, then nodded.

“Very good.”

“It'll be fine. It's just procedural.”

“See the physio again after,” advised Andreas.

“Yep.”

Andreas nodded.

“You are in good enough shape for this aren't you?” he checked.

“Course. Had a couple of good nights' sleep. Right as rain. Just need to show the doc that.”

“Right. I'll send Alex down with you.”

“Sure.”

“Okay then, please come and see me when you get back.”

“Will do mate.”

 

Mark walked to the back of the garage giving Seb a nod indicating outside and the two of them left for the medical centre that they were already far too familiar with, trailed by the Porsche assistant whose job it was to report back to the team. Sebastian waited outside this time while Mark let the doctor examine his bruises and worked to convince him that he really was fine to race. As soon as he stepped out into hallway Seb bounced up to meet him.

“So?”

“All good darling. Shows how well you've been looking after me.”

Sebastian forgot all about his concerns at him racing again as he lost himself in seeing how happy Mark looked. He beamed and went to throw his arms around Mark, then remembered just in time and stopped himself, making do with a much more tentative hug instead. Mark hugged him back then let Seb stand away as he looked over to the team assistant who was waiting to speak to the doctor to pass on the result to his boss. Mark gave him a nod and the man came over to allow Mark to confirm he was signed-off, then the assistant got a moment with the doctor before giving Mark a nod and heading back to the garage.

 

“Right, next step physio. You coming with me?”

“Course.”

Mark grinned.

“You going to sit outside or are you up for watching me strip off?”

“Yeah think I'd better keep an eye on you,” smiled Seb.

“Probably best,” agreed Mark. “Come on then.”

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


A little while later Mark walked into the garage and let his arm slip from where it had rested around Sebastian. Seb let him go on and waited at the back, trying to judge from the expressions of the team how things were looking. He was too far away to hear what was being said, but he saw Mark go to talk with his team-mates and their boss similarly spot him and go over to speak with them.

 

“Mark. All good then,” greeted Andreas.

Mark smiled, reading from his boss's body-language that he was actually far more relieved to have received good news than he was letting on.

“Are you talking about the car or me?”

“You.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah fine. Alex came back to let you know?”

“He did,” acknowledged Andreas. “Well there we go then. All officially good to go.”

“Glad to hear the car is too,” noted Mark indicating to his team-mates who had just told him as much.

“Aren't we all?” smiled Timo.

“I'll say,” Brendon agreed. “You too mate as well, obviously.”

“Thanks.”

“Well we're back in business then,” noted Andreas. “You may wish to have a word with the guys.”

“Of course.”

“Then we've not got much time before we want to take the cars out for a quick spin in the warm-up, gives us chance to really test everything's working correctly before the off.”

“Sure.”

 

Mark and his team-mates went to speak to the mechanics to offer their thanks for all their hard work in rebuilding the car so quickly, then they were back over with the engineers to get a quick run-down of what was needed in the warm-up period to test the repaired car.

“You'd better change hadn't you?” pointed out Timo.

“Oh shit, so I had,” realised Mark seeing his team-mates already in their race gear.

He shot over to the back of the garage where Seb was talking with Jenson.

“I've got to get changed. Are you staying here?”

“No I'll come with you. I take it that means things are all okay then?” checked Seb.

“Time to find out.”

Mark nodded to Jenson and the pair of them dashed off back to the base. Mark knew with the limited time they would only each get a quick run on track before swapping over, but he wanted a chance to test himself out too. After a fast turnaround they were back again and Mark looked over to see Timo already getting ready to go out as soon as the track opened up. He turned to Seb and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“I need to get over there.”

“Course,” agreed Seb. “Good luck.”

Mark nodded, took a deep breath and stepped back across to join the others. Now they just had to carry on as if nothing had happened.

 

  
  


  
  


Sebastian was glad for reasons he couldn't quite put his finger on that Mark wasn't the first to try out the repaired car. He trusted the mechanics. It wasn't as if he thought the whole thing would blow up or fall apart on the first corner, but nevertheless it did feel better to see Timo take the first run out and be reassured that everything was fine. As he watched Mark prepare to take his turn Seb wished Jess had come to the garage for this, but she was quite sensibly not coming down until later when it was closer to the race start. No way Seb could have stayed in bed while this was going on though.

He gave Mark a smile as he put his helmet on and Seb set his shoulders back. It was silly to worry. The car was fixed, so fixed that it was probably more new car than old. It wasn't even as if there was racing going on. They were just circulating the track like in practice. Mark had been cleared to race and Seb knew he wouldn't have lied when he said he felt somewhat better now. It was over thirty-three hours since the crash. That was a decent amount of time to recover, but Seb knew just how bruised Mark was underneath that pristine white race-suit. It almost hurt him just to see it when Seb understood how injuries like that felt. Mark wasn't fine, but he was going to race anyway. Of course he was. In his place Sebastian would doubtless do the same.

 

Mark gave Sebastian a last look as the car pulled up to a halt outside the garage and he went to jump in. He couldn't say was really nervous as such, but it did feel a little strange to be back in the car and as one of the guys leaned in to hoick his seatbelts tight Mark hid his grimace inside his helmet. Damn that did hurt, but he just had to get used to it. He'd be okay once he got going. As he set off Mark knew he just had to concentrate on procedures, re-familiarising himself with the track once more and feeling the car respond as he took the corners at increasing speed, his confidence building as the vehicle smoothed neatly left and right as he turned the wheel.

“She feels good,” reported Mark over the radio.

“Okay Mark next lap step it up a bit,” instructed the engineer.

Mark did as he was told, feeding back as he went along, building up the laps until he was called in. It was only a short session, so before he knew it Mark was back in the garage, talking to the engineers and his boss before going over to the mechanics once more to congratulate them on what a good job they had done in a short time.

  
  


 

 

It was some while before everything was gone through after the session finished and Andreas sent the drivers off to relax and take some time for themselves for a few hours. Mark was almost tempted to go back to the hotel to get away from it all, but he couldn't be bothered going that far, so instead the two of them merely holed up in his room at the base for a bit, shutting the door on the world and lying down on the bed together.

It seemed no time at all before Mark off on official duties prior to the start while Seb caught up with Jess as the two of them kept out of the way. Sebastian was used to the frenetic atmosphere in a garage prior to a race, but with so much hanging on this one it was even greater than usual. He distracted himself by sending a few texts to his little brother, reassuring him that everything was looking good. Mark had spoken to his family during the break, but now Seb's phone rang with their number and he apologised to Jessica before going out back to take it.

 

“Hello?”

“It's Diane dear, I rang Mark's number but he didn't answer.”

“Oh sorry, he's busy doing something out on the grid. I think they're going to take the official photograph in a bit.”

“Ah of course, well tell him good luck from us.”

Seb nodded. He was pretty sure Mark's mother had already told him good luck earlier, but he knew why she wanted to check in with him.

“Will do. He's not up first so he might be able to call you back,” Seb offered.

“Oh no, he doesn't need to. I just wanted to know he was all set.”

“He is. I think he's actually looking forward to getting going.”

“Good. Well that's alright then. I just wanted to check.”

“It must be late with you,” noted Seb. “Is Alan there?”

“Yes he's here. Say hello,” prompted Diane.

“Hello Seb,” greeted his father-in-law. “We're all set for the long haul. Coffee at the ready.”

Sebastian smiled at his jaunty tone.

“I think I've had plenty of coffee already,” he commented.

“Well I suppose we'd better let you get on, just say hello to Mark for us.”

“Sure.”

“You do sound better,” noted Diane.

“Do I?”

“Yes. You're not too worried about the race then?”

Sebastian hardly knew how to respond to that. Of course he was worried, but his feelings weren't the priority here.

“I'm sure they'll be fine. The car looked good this morning.”

“And Mark?”

“He did fine.”

“Course he did,” agreed Alan. “You know I'm sure they would have had pole except for, well, the incident.”

“Mm.”

“Never mind that,” diverted Diane. “As long as he's okay for the race.”

“Yeah. I think, you know, when he gets going...”

“Of course. Are you in the garage then?”

“I'm out back.”

“Oh well we ought to let you get on.”

“Thanks”

“Are you watching with your friend now?” asked Diane, recalling what Mark had told her.

Seb smiled, thinking how Diane sounded like his mother checking up on him.

“Yeah Jess, Jenson's wife. She got here yesterday.”

“Oh good, well that's better isn't it?”

“Yeah it's nice to have someone.”

“Well you get back then.”

“Thanks. I'll tell Mark you called.”

“Okay, well we'll be up watching, so if you want to call at any time you can, but don't worry about doing so.”

“You can just give us a wave on TV,” added Alan.

Seb huffed a little laugh thinking how his brother had requested the same thing.

“Yeah, will do. Okay I'd better go.”

“Take care Seb,” offered Diane.

“Thanks you too.”

“Bye then.”

“Bye.”

 

Sebastian went back through to join Jess.

“Who was that then?” she asked.

“Mark's mum and dad.”

“Ah.”

“I think they were just checking he was okay.”

Jess nodded, although she suspected it wasn't only Mark they were checking up on.

  
  


  
  


Before long the preliminaries were all run through and three o'clock rolled around. Mark had to stand and watch as Timo took the wheel for the start. It was as had been planned, but nonetheless Mark wished it was him driving first rather than waiting on the sidelines. He knew that feeling was doubtless to do with him wanting to prove himself to the team and perhaps have the chance to make it up to them. Mark knew that they didn't blame him for the crash and he didn't really blame himself, but it _had_ been him at the wheel. All the work the team had put into recovering from near disaster needed to be shown worth it now. He had to show them he was worth it too. Bruises or no bruises. He had to put that to one side and move on as they were.

Mark stood with the others watching the early laps play out as the race settled down. Timo had pushed at the start, but it was far too early to take risks and he was now running in a steady third place. Mark himself was already wondering how the crash in qualifying might lead them all to be more cautious. It was inevitable perhaps, but they had to find a balance. If they didn't push hard enough they would fall back and if you weren't going to race then there really was no point in being here. It was still early though. As long as they could hold position that was okay for now. A long way to go yet. A very long way.

  
  


It seemed far too soon to Seb that Mark's turn was coming up and they were out the back of the garage going through the familiar routine of hugs and reassurances.

“Just keep it on the black stuff, right?” smiled Mark.

Seb returned the smile and nodded. He gazed at Mark's eyes crinkling so nicely as he smiled and reached to stroke his thumb over the lovely stubble on his jaw, making Mark smile even more.

“Okay there?” teased Mark, seeing the way Seb seemed to be trying to absorb everything about him while he could.

“Yeah just feels nice.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Thank you darling.”

Sebastian took a deep breath as Mark wrapped his arms around his lower back and pulled him closer. He was about to remind Mark to take it easy when Seb was silenced by a kiss and forgot about everything else.

“Mmm.”

Mark laughed and gave him another quick kiss.

“Quite. Okay then, better go.”

“Love you Liebling.”

“Love you too darling. You gonna be okay?”

“Sure.” Seb glanced around to see no one was around, then leaned in to whisper; “The belts really aren't too much are they?”

“No it's okay. Just a reminder they're doing their job. Yeah?”

“Yeah okay then.”

Mark indicated over to the main garage.

“Better get going.”

Sebastian nodded and went back through to sit beside Jess who was already watching Jenson on track. He gave her a smile and slipped his hand into hers.

 

Seb watched Mark slot into the car and set off, then turned his attention back to the action on screen which was showing him pulling onto the track. It had been hard enough watching him drive earlier on, but now Mark was really racing with all the dangers that implied. At least it was daylight though. Seb didn't want to think about how it would feel later on. He'd just have to get through it somehow.

 

Mark continued on around the long circuit, glad that he'd had chance to have a go earlier in the warm-up. He built up speed then quickly came across other cars on track that needed overtaking. It was fine though, he'd done this a couple of thousand times before. It was easy, second nature after a lifetime of racing. Mark knew he was over-thinking things. He had to stop that and just drive as he knew how. He slinked around the outside of a couple of GT cars then on the long Mulsanne straight he zoomed past a succession of LMP2 cars, feeling the car stretching its legs as it showed him what it was really capable of. Him too. Mark knew he could do this, perhaps not with his eyes closed, but using all his senses to the best of their ability; racing as he was meant to. There were a couple of Toyotas in front that had leap-frogged the number one car while it pitted. He could take them, then on at least to get back that third place and then he'd see what he could get.

 

Seb didn't care that Mark had only managed to hold their original third place. By the time he climbed out of the car at the end of his stint, all Seb cared about was that Mark was climbing out safely. He could only get a look from him as Mark removed his helmet and went to go talk with the team, but that was enough; just a moment of eye-contact to connect and know that each was okay.

Jess had gone off with Jenson to take his break after his stint at the wheel so he was alone now. She'd offered to stay, but Sebastian had told her not to be ridiculous, though when she had gone over to Jenson he'd seen the way they both looked at him and knew they were mooting staying until Mark finished his stint. The pair had come back over, but Seb had pre-empted a repeated offer to hang on by praising Jenson on his efforts and telling them to enjoy their break. They had paused before nodding and going on their way, leaving Sebastian alone to stare at the screen watching Mark do lap after lap until he finally completed his turn at the wheel.

 

It was some time before Mark finished speaking with the team and came over to join Seb, meeting him with a warm smile.

“Alright?” greeted Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. That looked good.”

“Steady, guess that's not so bad for now. The car feels alright though, so that's good. The guys really did do a number on her.”

“One of the Toyotas had to have its gearbox replaced,” informed Seb.

“Yeah I know. Think I could do with it being one of the Audis instead, but I suppose that's not very sporting of me.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Well I won't tell them if you don't. Are you free for a bit now?”

“Yep, few hours off. Do you fancy getting something to eat back at base?”

“Sure.”

  
  


They walked back along the paddock and found Jess and Jenson finishing up their own meal so they joined them for a while, then stayed in place when the other couple went on to get some rest. The race played out on the big screens around hospitality and they watched as they talked. The sun was really starting to go down now and the coverage lingered on the beautiful sight of the cars running with sunset behind them, their headlights glinting futuristically. Mark noticed the way Seb gazed at them.

“You look entranced,” he joked.

Seb took his eyes from the screen and shrugged.

“It does look great doesn't it?”

“Yeah it does.”

Seb let out a little laugh.

“I can actually enjoy it when you're not in the car.”

“Me too.”

Sebastian laughed again.

“Yeah guess so. I remember this time last year going along by the track and it did look pretty incredible.”

“You could go again,” offered Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“Not without you and you're not going to are you?”

Mark paused then shook his head.

“Can't really go too far,” he admitted.

“And you'd get mobbed.”

“Well I don't know about that.”

“I do,” smiled Seb. “All those autograph sessions, there's always the biggest crowd around you.”

“Not just me.”

“Well maybe. Anyway it's fine. What do you want to do now, go rest?”

Mark had changed out his race gear when they had come back and he would have considered a lie down then if they hadn't spotted their friends in here when they came through.

“Um, yeah why don't we rest for a bit? We can get a coffee afterwards before going back over.”

“Sure.”

Mark nodded. He'd nearly used the term 'crash' then, but he had realised just in time how unwise that would be.

 

They stood and went back to his room, pulling off clothes before finding a way to fit on the narrow bed together. Seb balanced on the edge, trying not to lean too much into Mark when Mark slipped his arm around him to pull him closer.

“I don't want to squash you,” protested Seb.

Mark smiled and pulled him closer still.

“I like being squashed by you, it's reassuring.”

“Really?”

“Yes course really. It's fine sweetheart, don't worry about it.”

Sebastian let out a long breath and found a way to settle his head by Mark's shoulder without lying too much weight against his chest.

“That okay?” he checked.

“Perfect.” Mark smiled and leaned his forehead into Seb's for a moment. “You know I'm so used to us squashing up. It's what feels natural.”

“Shall we get rid of our nice big double bed at home then Liebling?” teased Seb.

Mark laughed and rubbed his nose against Sebastian's.

“Well maybe not go that far.”

“Okay. Do you want to sleep?” asked Seb.

“Mm, maybe for a couple of hours.”

“Are you tired?”

“Yeah, knackered,” confessed Mark. “Don't go telling anyone.”

“I won't.”

“It's just...” Mark puffed a breath. “I don't know, maybe it is what happened. I'm bloody glad we weren't driving yesterday.”

Sebastian laughed against him.

“Me too. Just close your eyes and rest for a bit. I'll set my alarm too.”

He stretched his hand behind him to blindly find his phone on the side, then brought it around to set the alarm before dumping it back down.

“There.”

“Thank you.”

“Just have a rest,” coaxed Seb.

 

Mark really did feel tired. Maybe it was his body using extra energy to heal itself, he didn't know, but minutes after closing his eyes Mark was asleep and seemingly only minutes after that he was woken by the alarm and Seb sitting up away from him to switch them both off.

“Time already?”

“Yeah.”

Mark sat up with him and rubbed his face.

“Think I need that coffee,” he admitted.

“Me too.”

 

Mark checked the time on his phone and saw messages from his family praising his first stint, so as they sat back down in hospitality he took the time to reply to them while they both drank coffee to wake them back up. It was dark outside now. Somehow it felt strange to have missed the interim, as they had gone to bed before the sun fully set, but it was the middle of the night now and the tables were mostly empty around them. He half-expected a team-member to appear asking him to get back down to the garage, but nobody did, so Mark took his time until it was time to bob back to his room to change once more before walking along the now quiet paddock in the early hours of the morning.

When they got back to the garage it was to find many of the team slumped asleep in foldaway chairs, getting a little rest themselves. Seb hardly knew how they did it like that. Squeezing into Mark's single bed seemed like luxury by comparison. As Mark went back over to catch up with how things were going, Sebastian went to join Jess in their seats at the back.

“Hey.”

Jess turned to him.

“Oh hey.”

“I should have brought you a coffee,” apologised Seb.

“Oh no. I'm coffee'd up to the eyeballs thanks. Jenson's in the lead.”

Seb smiled and nodded.

“Yeah we noticed. Sorry, I should have said. Good going.”

“Well a couple of other cars had problems, but still.”

“It's great.”

Sebastian peered at the screen again to see the leading Audi was a way down in second place and Brendon holding third almost as if nothing had happened in the intervening hours, but he knew that was unlikely to be true.

“What else did we miss then?” Seb enquired, allowing Jess to catch him up with a run through of all the scrapes and breakdowns she could recall from her time sat here.

 

Mark was getting a more technical version of the same thing only a few feet away. Of course nothing was as simple as it looked on the surface, but essentially the team were pleased things were going steady. He suspected all of them were more relieved than they cared to admit to see that the car was holding up as well as it was. Perhaps the fact that they had practically had to rebuild it went in their favour. The mechanics had gone over the car with a fine tooth-comb and all those new parts couldn't hurt. Mark glanced over at one of the mechanics slumped fast asleep in a chair and thought how much they owed them. In a short while he would be back in the car and finding out for himself again how good a job they had done.

Mark nodded along as he listened to a few more details on how things were going and what they needed from him in his next run, then looked out at the darkness outside the garage before turning back to see Sebastian now sat in place at the back of the garage with Jess for company once more. He was glad Seb wouldn't be alone. Though he had made no comment about him driving in the dark again, Mark knew Sebastian had to be nervous after what happened the last time. He gave Seb an encouraging smile then refocused on listening to the engineers knowing he couldn't afford to be nervous, just as he couldn't afford to be hurt. He just had to get on with it and pray that this time the racing gods would be on his side.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think I'd manage to get Le Mans covered in two parts did you? Sorry, next part (concluding the race I promise) soon. Hope you're hanging in there with me. Next bit will be quicker!


	140. No Such Thing As Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I know it's late, but I did promise to give you the final part of Le Mans before the week was out, so if you've been waiting to see how it all turns out I hope you notice I've posted.
> 
> Oh also a couple of people have noticed I may have made an error in terms of what Mark's car number would be in this story as apposed to RL, but I find these races tricky enough to write as it is so I don't think I can untangle it without getting confused as to who I am describing as things go along, so I hope you'll forgive me and thanks to Fins & Heather for paying such attention to the details :)
> 
> Anyway, here we go, hope you can follow it all. Le Mans to the end...

* * *

  
  


  
  


Twenty minutes later Mark was making ready to get back in the car, only time for a snatched hug with Seb before he was climbing in once more, bracing himself for the tightening of the belts before putting that out of his mind as he headed out of the pits onto the dark track, trying to adjust his eyes and switch up his awareness of everything as he made his way round. Even in a few hours the numbers had thinned out with various car malfunctions and accidents, but there was no room to relax. Mark tried not to think back to the last time he drove at night, not to think of Seb worrying in the garage, or his parents worrying on the other side of the world. He knew he couldn't afford to be doing that. He had to be selfish and think only of himself, of the correct racing line through the Porsche curves and how he could maximise the power of the engine as he went along the start-finish straight and overtook some lower classes with minimum effort and loss of time.

The engineers had emphasised that they didn't want him to press _too_ hard, but Mark thought he could push on just a little, see if he couldn't get closer to the Audi and put himself in the position to take any advantage that might present itself.

  
  


Sebastian watched the screen noting the lap-times creeping downwards for the number one car. A part of him wished Mark would slow down, play it safe and just find a nice gap to hold third place, but he knew that wasn't what he ought to be thinking. He should be pleased that Mark was doing well.

He _was_ pleased. Of course he wanted Mark to succeed, but as the distance between him and the Audi in front lessened, Sebastian found himself getting more and more anxious. If it could just be daylight that would be better, but it was still hours off sunrise. Even then it would be tricky with the changing light and the potential for the sun to be in Mark's eyes as he went around. Full daylight was best but that wasn't how this worked, it was a twenty-four hour race and that meant dealing with all conditions. It was _meant_ to test drivers. It was _meant_ to be hard. Seb wasn't sure if the organisers really understood just how hard it was for invested spectators too.

  
  


Mark shot along Indianapolis and approached the bend at Arnage once more. There was a car ahead. As he got closer he could see it was one of the GT cars. Logically Mark knew that it couldn't be the same car. The driver had dropped out after the accident claiming his leg was hurt and the car had been withdrawn from entry to the race, although everyone suspected that had been anticipating the stewards ruling he had caused the accident. Without the level of team expertise that a professional outfit like Porsche had, Mark guessed they wouldn't have managed to get the car repaired in time anyway.

It wasn't the same car ahead of him. It wasn't the same at all, but despite knowing that logically, Mark found himself holding back, slowing and sitting behind them until they had both exited the bends and were back on the next straight before lining up the pass. Nothing was said on the radio except to update him on the gap to the Audi in front, but Mark was sure the team must have noticed how he did that. It was stupid, but he hadn't quite been able to stop himself. He'd lost time now. Damn. Okay he just had to push on to try to take that time back.

  
  


In the garage Seb was just relaxing as Mark went along in a nice open bit of track when Jenson came over and plonked himself down in a free seat.

“Jelly Baby?”

“Huh?”

Sebastian looked over to see him offering over a bag of sweets which Jessica had waved away.

“Little sugar rush to keep us awake while we watch the show,” explained Jenson.

“Oh. No thanks.”

“Suit yourself. More for me.”

Sebastian was about to ask how sweeties featured in Jenson's diet for the weekend racing when Jenson pulled one out of the bag and held it up in front of him.

“Oh help, oh no, please don't eat me! _Arghhhh_.”

Jenson chomped the head off the unfortunate Jelly Baby, then giggled to himself like a little boy. Jess sighed and rolled her eyes but Seb ended up laughing with him, glad for some silliness when things seemed so serious. Jenson passed the bag again and this time Seb took one. He looked at the sugar dusted little fellow and shrugged.

“Sorry.”

Then he too bit the head off the Jelly Baby, before eating the rest.

“It's kindest really,” noted Jenson in an entirely solemn voice. “This way they don't suffer unnecessarily.”

“True,” concurred Seb.

Jessica shook her head.

“I think you've both gone insane. What are we doing now Jense, are you getting a break?”

Jenson looked around him.

“Think I'll just watch a bit, then catch some more shut-eye.”

“Right. I'm getting some water then. Seb?”

“Oh yes please.”

 

Jess nodded and went into the back to find one of the packs of small bottles, taking a couple out and passing them around as she sat back down. They sat watching the running for another half hour then Jenson got up and went over to talk to the team for a bit before coming back over.

“Think I might get that break now. You gonna be alright on your own champ?” Jenson checked.

“Course.”

Jess stood and touched Seb's shoulder.

“Looks like they're taking it steady through the night,” she assured.

“Yeah,” nodded Seb.

“Tell you what mate, you take care of these little guys for me. See if you can't put them out of their misery.”

Jenson smiled as he handed over the bag of sweets.

“Thanks. See you later.”

The others nodded and exited out the back, leaving Seb with only the Jelly Babies for company. He picked one of the bag and looked at its face.

“Hello. Sorry about eating your friend.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh. Jess might be right about them going insane, but he put the sweet back into the bag thinking it was going for a sleep he would quite like himself. Yeah Jess was definitely right, he was losing it.

 

Seb took a swig of water, contemplating getting a coffee from one of the tall canteen containers over on the side. The coffee would be pretty disgusting after sitting there tepidly for hours, but it was caffeinated and Seb felt as though he needed something to wake him up a bit. The car headlights were going round and round on television, hypnotising in the darkness. It was almost relaxing when he knew it wasn't Mark he was looking at.

Suddenly the headlights on screen swerved and collided in the darkness and the voices on the commentary shot up as they spotted there had been a crash. Sebastian felt his heart seize, panicking as he thought how he shouldn't have relaxed, but Mark hadn't been there had he? The television had been following some cars from the lower classifications and, yes, it was a couple of GT cars and an LMP2 car strewn across the track, some all the way into the barriers. Seb closed his eyes and let out a slow settling breath. It wasn't Mark. Thank god.

It took another minute of gathering himself before Sebastian had enough spare capacity in his brain to listen to the television stating that the safety car and medical car were out, accompanied by full-course yellow flags. As he calmed himself Seb spared a thought for the drivers and their loved ones who were watching like him and hoped they were all okay, but he still couldn't help but be grateful Mark wasn't one of them.

 

Mark himself was also grateful, but as he rounded the corner of Tertre Rouge and saw the messy pile-up he did feel his heart speeding faster. If he had been closer behind he would have been unable to avoid the accident just like before and then he would be in one of those crashed cars. It was too dark to see how much damage there really was, but it didn't look good as he went past.

He went on around onto the long Mulsanne straight. Ordinarily he'd be picking things up now, but as he continued Mark came to the back of the train following the safety car and settled himself into the steady pace they all held.

“Mark, reports are the barriers are damaged. Think this could be a long one,” warned the voice in his ear.

“Right, sure.”

 

Sebastian heard the same thing and guiltily found himself feeling glad about it. Not that the barrier was damaged and that drivers could be hurt of course, but a safety car for a while could last until dawn at this rate. He consulted his watch and reckoned it must be an hour off. Maybe that was too far away, but at least it meant less racing in the dark. Seb took a sip of water then stared at his hand to see it was shaking.

He raised the bottle to his lips and took a drink then set the water down and closed his eyes for a moment in silent prayer that all the drivers involved really were okay and someone would tell their families they were safe. Then Sebastian reopened his eyes to see drivers were being helped out and led away, medical officers checking them over as marshals began to start clearing the debris. It wasn't going to be a quick job and the camera homed in on the Armco to show how badly dented it was. Seb realised he hadn't even looked at the Armco when Mark had crashed into it. He hadn't cared. All he had cared about had been Mark. The rest of the track could have blown up or been washed away and Seb wouldn't have been in the least interested as long as Mark came back safely to him.

The train of cars slowly wended its way around and fed through the crash site once more, Mark was there, safely tucked in third place. That was fine. Mark was fine. Seb turned his hand over and pushed his sleeve up slightly so he could rub his thumb over the fish there, comforting himself with the repetitive motion. Mark just had to keep going.

  
  


  
  


By the time the fencing was repaired, Mark was starting to think that the team might call him in to switch before they got going once more. The cars had long been cleared away, but a proper rebuild had been required on the barrier. He understood it was important. If they only did a patch job and someone crashed in the same place that car could go right through and hurt either themselves or spectators who watched from beyond. Statistically speaking the odds were against it, but sod's law was such that it felt bound to happen. The marshals and repairmen were working under difficult conditions and no doubt they had been on duty all night. You had to respect that and keep them safe too. So Mark trailed around once more, noting that on the horizon the first hints of a lighter sky were pushing at the edges. It would be dawn soon.

Mark drove around the circuit again, then as he went under the huge Dunlop bridge he could see that the dark sky was bruising into a purple that would soon lighten to become pink. He huffed a little laugh thinking that it was the opposite of his skin this weekend. It crossed his mind that Seb wouldn't think that quite so funny, then pushed such thoughts from his head as word came through that the safety car would soon be coming in and racing would be back on the agenda.

“The Audi in front is there for the taking,” came the advice from the pitwall.

Mark puffed a breath thinking that was as good as a command. He had to get as close as he could behind them and see if he could jump him on the restart. The light wasn't great, but give it another few minutes and the sun would be coming up.

They went around the far side of the track and Mark knew that the safety car would peel into the pits now, allowing the lead car to go as soon as it could. That was the other Porsche. The team couldn't say it openly on the radio as everyone would be listening in, but Mark suspected that hints were being dropped to ask him to back the Audi up a bit. Of course that brought the additional danger that the Audi in turn might try to jump the other Porsche. This could backfire badly.

  
  


Seb watched on screen, knowing all too well how restarts went. It was a time for taking risks. He knew Mark had to take them just as he did in his own races, but Seb's heart was starting to pound and he wished he had more company than the bag of Jelly Babies he was unconsciously clasping to his chest right now.

  
  


Mark saw the safety car go in and knew that the yellow flag restrictions were about to finish. The countdown was coming on the radio from race control to tell them open racing was about to go green. Any moment now the lead Porsche would jump and all behind would do the same.

The light wasn't good. That strange pre-dawn glow that the brain found hard to work with. Mark knew he couldn't do anything about that though. He just had to watch the tail-lights in front and line up as close as he dared. The end of the countdown came and the Audi was off like a rocket, jumping around the outside to try to pass the lead Porsche who seemed to have hesitated, while Mark took the only alternative and went for the inside. Seconds later the field had rearranged itself. Somehow the other Porsche had been so busy trying to defend from the Audi that it had missed Mark going around the other side and now he was in front. Unfortunately the Audi had done even better and it now held the lead while Mark was in second, leaving the other Porsche fallen all the way down to third.

  
  


In the garage most of the mechanics had woken up, but they hardly knew how to take what had just happened. Seb wanted to clap Mark jumping a spot even though it had scared the life out of him, but somehow it seemed wrong when the team had just lost the lead. Instead of running one/three the team were now running two/three with the order of cars switched and he knew the pitwall would be cursing. It wasn't Mark's fault, although it was true that the number two Porsche had been squeezed then. It was the Audi that had really maximised the opportunity and now took its reward, leading the field and the driver putting his foot down as he came out of Tertre Rouge and raced along the long straight, pulling away to build a gap while the sun crept out behind him.

 

Mark could do nothing about the other Porsche behind him. All he could do was chase the Audi in front and see what he could do to stop him building that gap. Chase and chase, no time for admiring the sunrise or noting the sky turning lilac then pink, before fading through orange and out again to the palest of blues that told of a beautiful day ahead. Mark missed all of that as he wove through back-markers, trying to stay in touch. Mark pushed for lap after lap, but then word came on the radio telling him that he was using too much fuel and he had to stretch things out. He wanted to argue that he had been getting closer then and if he couldn't race then what was the point, but Mark knew the answer to that. This was Endurance racing and though they had survived the night there was still a long way to go.

Within another half hour the call came telling him his stint was up and Mark was back in the pits once more, climbing out of the car to hand over to his team-mate. He had at least gained one position and the other Porsche had to pit as well so, second place would hold. That was something to take from his efforts. He shared his thoughts with the team and watched to see how Timo got on for a while before going over to Seb, who was up to hug him as soon as he saw Mark approaching.

As they stepped apart Mark looked at the packet of sweets left on the chairs.

“Breaking the diet?”

“Hm? Oh Jenson left them.”

“Naughty.”

“I only had one.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I meant JB. Anyway I could do with some fresh air.”

 

Sebastian got the idea Mark wanted to get away from the garage. As they walked out into the paddock he frowned up at him sensing a mood of negativity.

“What's the matter? You did really well to get up into second.”

“Mm.”

“Mark?”

Mark sighed, then looked to be sure no one was within hearing distance before replying.

“I think the team are a bit hacked off the other car got squeezed out.”

“That wasn't your fault.”

“Well it was a bit.”

“You were going for the overtake, that's what you're meant to do.”

“Hm, but we lost the lead in the process.”

“What did they say?” asked Seb.

“Just that it was unfortunate.”

“Unfortunate that you gained a position?”

“No, unfortunate the others lost one.”

“Well that's their fault for not being more awake.”

Mark huffed a laugh and put his arm around Seb.

“Mm, maybe. Perhaps don't say that to Jense when you see him.”

“Oh, god yeah he's going to be pissed off.”

“I'd imagine so.”

“Not with you though.”

“Probably not.”

Sebastian turned his head to Mark and gave him a firm look.

“He _won't_ be. Jense gets it; That's racing. There's still...” Seb checked his watch. “...seven and a half hours to go yet.”

“True.”

“Are you going to get another go in the car?”

“Don't know. Maybe, depends if they want to short stint at the end when people are tired.”

“Are you tired?”

Mark gave him a wry smile.

“You mean is that why I'm being grumpy?”

“No, I mean are you tired? Shall we go and lie down for a while?”

Mark leaned in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Who could say no to an offer like that?”

  
  


  
  


They got back to his room and peeled off layers once more so they could get a nap.

“Think I'll shower after. You don't mind me being stinky for now do you?”

Sebastian laughed and moved in closer, standing so he could place his head by Mark's shoulder and breathe him in.

“You smell nice.”

“Hardly.”

“You smell like you.”

Mark went to argue, but Seb was looking up at him through his lashes and all he could do was smile back. Seb had his arms wrapped around his middle and if they were home right now Mark would have some very different ideas about what should happen next even if he was tired, but they weren't home. They were in the Porsche base, in his room with a tiny little bed to cram into and only a couple of hours to steal some much needed rest before he ought to go back to the garage to see if he was needed and if not to see how the last part of the race played out.

The blinds in the small room were drawn, but light was filtering through telling them they were going to bed as most of the world around them was getting up. Mark climbed in and shifted as far over as he could before Seb joined him. Mark went to turn slightly on his side to make more room for Sebastian but Seb shook his head.

“Just lie back Liebling.”

Mark quirked a little smile.

“Are you going to get the ice-packs out again?”

Sebastian shook his head again and lowered down on his side next to him. The covers weren't all the way up and Seb was looking at his chest. He sighed and skimmed his hand over the bruises thinking they looked worse than ever. Mark looked at him.

“It's okay,” he assured.

“They have to hurt.”

“A bit,” Mark confessed.

“Don't the belts make them worse?”

Sebastian was giving him big eyes again and Mark reached up a hand to stroke his cheek.

“Don't pout darling. I'm a big boy, I can handle it.”

Seb took a deep breath and only pouted more.

“I just can't stand thinking of you being in pain while you drive.”

Mark sighed and fitted his arm around Seb to pull him to lie down with him, their faces only an inch apart on the pillow as they squashed in together.

“Sweetheart I told you. It's okay when I get going. I might not even be in the car again.”

“Okay,” accepted Sebastian reluctantly.

He smoothed his hand over Mark's chest once more then pulled the cover over, resting his arm around Mark's stomach instead. Then Seb let out a long slow breath before tipping his head to fit in the crook of Mark's neck and closing his eyes. Mark turned his cheek to lie in Seb's hair and felt him take a deep breath in. He closed his eyes, and the last thought Mark had before he fell asleep was that he didn't want to imagine what it would be like not to have someone fretting over him.

  
  


  
  


  
  


They had an even shorter break this time, so Mark and Sebastian took their coffees with them to drink as they walked back to the garage. The paddock was busy now as it was mid-morning. Mark had left his phone switched up as loud as it would go in case the team called for him, but there had been no emergencies and they had managed a couple of hours extra sleep to set them up for the last stretch of the race.

Mark left Seb at the back of the garage and went over to catch up with where things lay. One of the Toyotas had suffered further trouble and was now looking to be out for the count while the second of the Audis had been brought into the garage for repairs, so the top four now ran: Audi, Porsche, Porsche, Toyota. The fourth placed car was several laps down, so for now they were concentrating on the top three. From what Mark picked up from the engineer's rundown it sounded as if pitting had only temporarily juggled things around in the intervening hours and the order remained as it had when he left, with the number one in second place, currently with Timo at the wheel.

With less than four hours left to go the team were mid-discussion as to what they ought to do. Although he was tired and feeling the effects of the pressure of the belts on his bruising, Mark joined with Brendon to say they he would be happy to take another turn if they chose to short stint the last part. Andreas stood with them, weighing their options. The exact timings of the originally planned stints had varied somewhat through the race in response to events around them, but that was often true, even in the shorter six hour races. With the marathon twenty-four hour race here you had to be prepared to play it by ear.

Twenty minutes later Mark went over to the back where Seb sat sipping his now cold coffee alongside Jessica.

“Hey so it looks like I'm going next, then Brendon's going to take her to the end,” he explained.

“Oh okay.”

“So I'm just gonna make sure I'm all set.”

“Right.”

Mark gave Sebastian a nod and went back to the team, leaving Seb feeling as though he ought to have said something more useful.

“You okay?” checked Jess.

“Hm? Yeah tired I guess.”

“I meant with him going again.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged. It didn't really feel as if it was up to him to be okay. Mark was the one doing the driving. In truth though Seb had secretly been hoping Mark might be done now and they could all just safely watch the end of the race from the garage. He knew Mark was tired despite his snatched sleep.

“I guess it's short stints,” Seb allowed.

“Yeah. Jense'll be back in soon.”

Sebastian looked up to the screen and saw Jenson still circulating in third. He nodded and leaned in closer to Jess.

“Was he annoyed about what happened?”

Jessica gave a tip of her head.

“Bit. Racing though isn't it?”

“Yeah. Still a way to go yet.”

“True.”

  
  


Ten minutes later the number two car pulled up outside the garage and there was a flurry of activity as it was serviced and set off again with a new driver. Jenson had climbed out and now stood over with the engineers, pulling off his helmet and cowl and running a hand through his hair as he spoke to them. Sebastian could see Jess trying to catch his eye and knew that she was resisting the urge to go over to give him a hug, because that was how he felt when it was Mark. A few minutes later Sebastian was so busy thinking about Jess and Jenson that he was almost surprised by Mark coming over.

“Alright there?”

Sebastian turned his head and looked up.

“Oh, hey.”

Mark smiled and indicated out back with his head and Sebastian jumped up to go with him, going through their usual routine.

“I'm not really going to be driving for all that long,” noted Mark.

Sebastian gave him a wry smile.

“An hour and a half.”

“Something like that.”

Seb shook his head.

“That's essentially an F1 race,” he pointed out.

“I guess. Anyway, pretty much just have to hold second. That Audi's got quite a gap ahead,” noted Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay well that's okay isn't it?”

“Dunno. Might be able to push it a little bit.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I meant second. That'd be a good result.”

“Oh, yeah not bad.”

“Liebling, after everything with this weekend, second would be amazing.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a kiss.

“I suppose when you look at it like that, yes. Right, better go. Love you darling.”

“Love you too Liebling. I'm sure it'll be fine. At least it's light now.”

Mark nodded.

“Good point. Well wish me luck.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian pushed up and stole another quick kiss, making Mark smile before he went back through to ready himself for the off, still comforting himself with that kiss as he ignored the pain induced by the tightening of the belts before he set off and focussed on coming out back onto track and getting confirmation that their pitting hadn't caused the number one to fall behind.

  
  


All seemed to be going well as he looped the track, pushing as best he could to see if it might be possible to gain on the Audi in the lead. Lap by lap Mark was making progress. Nothing spectacular, but whittling the distance down. He went back and forth on the radio, getting permission to push a little harder within what was possible with the fuel economy and restrictions on the engine. It seemed to be working and the team fed back that the Audi was dropping back a little, thought whether that was down to them having to conserve fuel or something else they couldn't tell. All Mark cared about though was the sniff of an opportunity.

Five laps later he could actually see the back of the lead car in the distance as it looped the track ahead of him. Another lap and it was closer still. Two laps more and Mark was in its wing mirrors, harrying it round the bends and looking to see where it might be possible to try the overtake.

  
  


In the garage Sebastian was sat on the edge of his seat, the tension in the garage palpable as everyone watched to see what happened next. Mark was so close to the car in front now that Sebastian was sure it must feel as if he could reach out and touch it. Then as the cars entered the Porsche curves Mark took his opportunity and swung out around the outside to swoop by and he was past, into the lead.

The team exploded with noise and Sebastian jumped up to applaud with them. He spotted the camera at the entrance turn to point at him and settled back into his seat, trying to ignore it as he smiled and chatted with Jess who was patting his arm, sharing in his happiness despite the fact that only a few hours earlier it had been her husband who held that position. Out of the corner of his eye Seb could still see the camera lurking, so he turned and smiled, then gave a wave to the camera, thinking not that it was for the benefit of the media, but their loved ones watching at home and trying to share the moment with them.

  
  


Mark was smiling happily in the car, trying not to get too carried away as he concentrated on steadily pulling a gap at the same time as speaking to the team on the radio.

“I'm sure they've got an issue,” explained Mark. “That felt easier than it should have been.”

“Maybe. Just give us a decent gap for now and we'll feedback to the other car.”

“Sure.”

He did as instructed and worked to continue what he was doing, pushing on as best he could to build the gap the team required. After a lap of this Mark was just wondering whether he might have done enough to let off just a little in order to balance pushing without putting too much strain on the vehicle, but then just a minute after he had thought that Mark wished he had kept his mind utterly blank as he heard a clunk and the power in the car seemed to falter.

“Shit. I've got a problem.”

  
  


In the garage the smile that had resided on Sebastian's face faded as he heard the tension in Mark's voice. The television screens up ahead were showing the number one car and commenting on his sudden drop in speed. At the same time Seb could hear the rapid exchange on the radio and the engineers frantically asking Mark to try things which he did before each time telling them it wasn't working.

“Mark you've got to bring her in,” came the instruction from Andreas himself.

In the car Mark replied in the affirmative, still trying to remain business-like, but wanting to say he had known that they would have to pit the moment the issue had occurred. The only thing in their favour was that he was already approaching the entrance to the pits, so Mark pulled in and the team swarmed to bring the car into the garage so they could work out what the problem was to see if they could fix it.

He had hesitated before climbing out in the hope that it might be an instant fix, but he was told to get out so now Mark stood back and pulled his helmet off, trying not to show on his face how frustrated he felt. The mechanics were scrambling over the car, but Mark knew that even with the gap he had built, the lead must now have gone back to the Audi. All his work had been for nothing.

 

Sebastian sat looking over, wishing he could go to be with Mark, to give him a hug and to sympathise, but it wouldn't be appropriate. All he could do was try to catch Mark's eye, eventually succeeding. Their eyes met and Seb tried to put into his expression everything he wanted to say to tell Mark it wasn't his fault and not to give up. Mark gave him a brave smile back and shrugged before turning away to see how things were looking.

Time ticked by, the mechanics crawling under over and inside the car, frantically trying to establish what it was at fault. Every second that passed equated to metres lost on track, to other cars potentially getting ahead and to all their efforts over the past twenty-two hours going to waste. It might all be over. Any minute now one of the guys might lift their head and shake it to tell them their race was done.

“Got it!”

The whole garage seemed to lean towards the car as if they could see what it was the mechanic was talking about, but as the rest piled in to start working as fast as they could to fix it, the car was almost buried in mechanics. They were reaching for spare parts and passing things between them as all operated together. Mark resisted the urge to check to see how long it was taking. It seemed like tempting fate and he knew they were doing everything in their power. He puffed a long breath and waited, waited, waited.

 

He couldn't bear to look at the time, so Mark had no idea of how long it had really taken, but eventually another shout went up and the mechanics were backing off, the car put back together and sent out of the garage, Brendon back in as it set off again down the pitlane to rejoin the race. Mark whipped around to look at the screens to see where they were going to be now: Third. It seemed almost impossible, but given how far back the Toyota had fallen, Brendon had got back on track not just on the same lap as them, but ahead. The other two cars were laps further on, but given what had just happened it could have been a lot worse.

Mark stood with the rest, watching anxiously and listening to hear from Brendon that the car definitely seemed okay now. When that was confirmed Mark finally crossed the garage to speak to Seb who got up to meet him.

“Hey,” greeted Sebastian hardly knowing what to say.

“Hey,” Mark replied.

Seb put his hand on Mark's arm and gave it a rub, knowing how frustrated he must be.

“You want to maybe take a minute?”

“Hmm?”

“Outside,” clarified Seb.

“Oh, yeah.”

  
  


They went to walk out to stand all the way outside the back of the garage. The sun was out, but it didn't particularly reflect Mark's mood. Sebastian put his hand on Mark's arm again.

“You okay?” he enquired.

Mark puffed a breath.

“I just...”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I put too much strain on it?”

“No Liebling you were going great.”

“Right up until I broke the car,” replied Mark glumly.

“You didn't break it. It just broke.”

Mark huffed a mirthless laugh.

“Coincidence then?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian was giving him a firm look and Mark could do nothing but reach up to put his knuckle on Seb's cheek to chubb it.

“Always fighting my corner,” he smiled.

“Always,” vowed Seb.

Mark took in a deep breath and let Seb hug him, not thinking anything about whether pressing in hurt his chest. He didn't care.

“I just... the lead. I should have known.”

“Mark don't talk like that.”

“It took me right back there.”

“2014?” presumed Seb.

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian nodded slowly. He remembered the heartbreak of watching Mark's race fall apart just when it had been looking like they were on for the win. Mark had been devastated afterwards, nothing Seb said succeeding in making him feel better. It had been a difficult time, but things were different now.

“It's not the same though. You're back out there.”

“Well Brendon is.”

“Exactly.”

“I guess.”

“Come on, he's still in third. That's not so bad is it?”

“Yeah. It's just we had the lead.”

“I know Liebling. I'm sorry.”

“Sorry. I know I'm being miserable.”

“Liebling you're allowed to be pissed off, but it's not over yet.”

“They're laps ahead.”

“There's still over an hour to go. Lots could happen. Anything could happen. Come on Mark, you know this. Don't give up.”

Mark looked back at him and Sebastian fixed him with his firmest expression.

“We don't give up do we?” pressed Seb.

“There's nothing I can do though.”

 

Sebastian looked at Mark knowing that was a reason he thought would never cope with competing an a true team sport. That lack of control over your own destiny was a tough thing to deal with. He tried to think of anything positive he could offer, then shrugged.

“You can hope.”

Mark huffed a little laugh but Sebastian shook his head.

“I mean it,” he insisted.

“I know you do darling.”

“Do you think it's stupid?”

Mark sighed out a breath, then took a moment to appreciate how sincerely Sebastian was looking at him and felt his despondent spirits being melted away. He shook his head at how Seb managed that and leaned in to kiss him.

“Nope. You're right. Nothing invites defeat like accepting it.”

“A lot could still happen and even if... well third's not bad. It's still a podium.”

“True. Okay give me another one of those hugs to fix me up.”

Sebastian pushed up on his toes and put his arms around Mark's neck to hug him, then gave him a kiss for good measure.

“Course you're right sweetheart. I was just pissed off,” admitted Mark.

“At least here they can repair it and send you back out,” Seb reasoned.

“Exactly.”

“And they're amazing those guys. They work wonders.”

Mark laughed.

“I'm going to tell them you said that. They'll love you.”

“ _Mark_.”

“I'm teasing sweetheart. It's true though. Right, come on we'd better go see how Brendon's getting on, he might have overtaken the front two and lapped the field by now.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes at the exaggeration, knowing Mark was teasing him for his positivity, but he was glad to hear Mark sounding cheerier.

  
  


 

They went back through. Mark merely giving Seb a nod as he left him with Jess to go stand with the rest of the team as they watched the race play out. Mark looked at the running order and reminded himself that third really wasn't so bad and given that they had had to come in for repairs they were actually very lucky not to have slipped further down the field. Only the fact that the Toyota lagged so badly and the team had worked like lightning had saved them from worse losses. He glanced over to Seb and gave him a smile as Mark thought about what he had said.

Mark knew that simply sitting here hoping for the best wasn't magically going to make things better, but Seb was still right. It was important to hope, if only to have something to hang onto. It was certainly a damn sight better than despair or getting angry at their misfortune. That was how he had been in the past and Mark knew he had to be better than that now. He wondered if Seb had learnt that through his tough times; clinging on to hope, even if it was a hope against hope, because it was the only thing he had to keep him going and it was how he had learnt to survive.

He took a deep breath and feeling in slightly better spirits, Mark cleared his brain sufficiently to study the data on the screen. That Audi still wasn't really on form. The lap-times weren't what they should be. Not terrible, but slightly off, and the number two Porsche was getting closer and closer. Before long it caught up and the whole garage started to tense as the two cars ran in close formation. The number two Porsche lined it up, then as they shot down the Mulsanne straight he pulled alongside the Audi and went by.

 

Mark joined in with the rest of the team as they cheered and applauded the fact that the team had a car in the lead once more. He went over to Jenson and happily slapped him on the back. Over at the rear of the garage Jess and Seb had jumped up out of their chairs and Sebastian was currently hugging her, feeling genuinely happy for their friends and enjoying having something to celebrate.

He joined in the chatter with the team around him as they discussed the fact that the Audi really hadn't put up too much of a fight and speculating that there must be a fault on the car. They were battling on though, no sign of the team pulling the car in to fix whatever wasn't working properly, so either they judged that the fault was costing them less time than pitting would, or they knew that it was an irreparable problem.

It actually took Mark a moment to appreciate that with the Audi continuing to drop back, Brendon in the number one car was slowly creeping closer to him. Still a hell of a long way to go, but at this rate surely they were going to catch him? Catch him and pass him and then they would be back in second place. Of course they could still have another problem of their own. Really almost anything could happen with an hour to go, but Mark decided worrying was less helpful than hoping, so instead he hoped and watched and examined the details available to try to see that those hopes weren't in vain.

  
  


 

Twenty minutes later Mark smiled as he saw what he had hoped for come to pass. Literally. The Audi had battled on, but its speed hadn't recovered and the Brendon had just succeeded in pulling the overtake through the Esses. Everyone in the Porsche garage applauded and the mood in there was really picking up as they were finally in the first and second positions the team hoped for with only forty minutes of race left to run. The repaired number one car was going well and with every lap it made up more ground on the number two Porsche in the lead. Mark wasn't sure what would happen if they actually managed to reach them. Would the team really allow them to race and risk a one/two finish at the most prestigious race of the year? He had to be honest and say no. If he was in charge of the team Mark didn't think he would risk everything in the name of fair racing.

No, he had to accept that a solid second place after a very tough race and a damn difficult week for him altogether would be a good result he could be proud of. The team would be happy and Mark could be satisfied hat he had contributed a good part of it, especially when he had raced despite being injured. Not that he was about to mention that, but Mark himself would know it and that felt important. Winning was great, but being a sold team player mattered too and Mark always felt as though he needed to bank brownie points with Porsche. Last year it had be to get re-signed, now it was to prepare his argument for when he dropped his bombshell about needing to take a year out. Mark knew paternity leave was a legal right, but he would rather the team agreed to it on the basis they wanted him back, than they grudgingly accepted it knowing they had no alternative.

 

After a few more minutes Mark decided to go and sit with Seb to watch the last part of the race. Jenson was already over there, sat on one of the folding chairs beside Jess, so Mark pulled one to sit on the other side, smiling and saying hi to the group. Sebastian looked into his eyes and was reassured to see that Mark looked happier now.

“Second,” noted Seb quietly.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah pretty good.”

“Mm.”

Mark gave him a smile to let Seb know he really was okay, then sat back in his chair to watch the race play out. The number one car was still encroaching gradually on the number two in the lead. Even if clearance to race freely might be withheld, Mark knew that the two Porsches finishing closely one after the other would be an image the team would love. At the moment it really did look like that was the most likely outcome as the Audi had trailed further and further back and Mark was just about to comment on it when the television showed them pulling into the pits.

“ _Finally_ ,” remarked Jenson. “What were they playing at waiting so long?”

Jess smiled at him.

“You should be happy seeing as it gave you the lead.”

“Well yeah, but it does make you wonder.”

“Wonder what?” asked Seb.

“What's going on.”

“I'm thinking maybe they reckon they can't properly fix it,” noted Mark.

“Really?”

“Yeah. They must be getting worried though. I mean with this little time to go. They can't strip her down and get the car back together again if it's a serious fault. They must be getting desperate.”

“Oh, yeah I guess.”

 

They watched as the shot on screen changed to show the Audi garage preparing to receive the car and then pulled it in to start working on it. Minutes passed and Jenson pointed at the screen.

“There goes the Toyota into third.”

“Mm.”

Mark nodded. Things were shaken up again, but not by all that much. The Toyota was sitting three laps down from the second Porsche and with less than half an hour to go there didn't seem much prospect of it catching up. On the other hand the number one Porsche was now back onto the lead lap and he could tell that Brendon was trying to push as much as he could within the limits of fuel. Moments later the garage watched as he came across a bunch of GT cars blocking the road and he had to veer off into the gravel at the Dunlop chicane. The sight had made Mark hiss as he worried his team-mate might come a cropper. The whole garage held it's breath, but the car bumped back on track, small stones flying and Brendon was on his way.

 

Despite the loss of time from Brendon's slight detour, the number one Porsche continued to make gains on the car ahead. Within ten minutes the two cars were appearing in one shot on the television screens everyone was watching in the garage. Mark glanced along the row of chairs to Jenson at the other end and they looked at one another for a moment, both thinking that surely the team were about to have to make a call before trouble broke out. Then sure enough as they listened to the radio they heard the tell-tale coded message instructing the drivers to hold station.

Seb glanced to Mark by his side and all Mark could do was give him a little flick of his eyebrows to confirm what Seb guessed it meant. He reached over and slipped his hand into Mark's and gave him a sympathetic smile, knowing that Mark must feel some frustration at the team order. Mark smiled back and rubbed his thumb over the back of Seb's hand to tell him he was okay and he had accepted the way things were. Mark felt strangely calm now he had accepted there was nothing he could do about things. Just twenty minutes to go. All they had to do was hold second to get a very decent result that the team would be pleased with and Mark knew he could hold his head up and know that after the disaster of qualifying, he had done his bit to ensure Porsche could count the race a success.

  
  


With barely fifteen minutes to go it seemed as though all there was left to be done was to watch time tick by until it hit three o'clock once more. The two Porsche LMP1 cars were running in neat formation only thirty yards apart, Brendon well aware that breaking ranks and attempting to fight for the win when he had been expressly instructed not to (even if had been in code) would land him in far more trouble with the team than bringing them the win could help him. There was still a tension evident in the garage though, everyone knowing that until the race had finished, they could take nothing for granted, even if the next car down the road was now a distant four laps down and though the Audi had come back out on track it still seemed somewhat hobbled and was clearly racing to the end only for pride now.

The commentators on the television were remarking that it was looking like a Porsche walkover, but even as they said that it felt as though they struck down a curse apon the team and sure enough moments later Romain came on the radio from the number two car, his voice carrying a distinct note of anxiety.

“There feels something wrong.”

“Wrong? With the car you mean?” came the reply from the pitwall.

“Yes. I cannot tell... it comes and goes, the power. It is not right.”

“Your speed is still good.”

“No something is wrong,” insisted Romain.

The tension in the garage instantly ratcheted up several notches as everyone looked at one another wondering what that meant. The engineers and everyone on the pitwall were frantically trying to see what the issue might be and if they could fix it without calling him in. Jenson was up and out of his seat as he shot over to the engineers to ask if they had any idea what was going on. Seb looked to Jess by his side and could see how worried she looked and tried to give her an encouraging look, but he had no idea what to say. On his other side Mark let go of his hand and stood up, pulling his earphones off, so Seb moved one cover off his own ear to hear him.

“I need to see what's going on,” Mark explained.

Sebastian nodded. He would quite like to go over and see for himself, but his place was here tucked away at the back, so he stayed in place while Mark went to get closer to the action in the only way he could.

  
  


Mark stepped up to the huddle around the engineers and leaned in to hear what was going on. Timo was there and tipped his head to speak quietly.

“Powertrain.”

Mark looked at him, knowing that meant they might have an idea what the underlying problem was. The number two car was just coming out of the Porsche curves and rounding back down to the start. If they were going to pull them in they had to do it now. It had been a powertrain related fault that had caused their issue earlier and Mark suspected it was the same fault they had suffered, or at least a similar matter.

Suddenly there was a flurry of activity in the garage and he had his answer; the team thought they knew what it was and considered their best option was to fix it. Mark supposed if they had learnt from the problem on the number one car then at least it ought to be a quick fix. He hoped so anyway, as pitting would cost time when the car was at least still going without slowing too much. On the other hand of course, if it deteriorated when they had just passed the pits then it was a hell of a long way round to get back, by which time the car could have broken down altogether, or at least slowed to the extent that they lost so much time even the lapped cars behind might begin to catch up.

Everything depended on what the issue really was and how quickly the mechanics could repair it. Talk quickly passed between the team in the garage that they thought they knew what it was, but they needed to find out for sure and until they did that, everything was up in the air. The car pulled up to a sharp halt and the team leapt to haul it into the garage to work on it. Mark stood back out of the way, but he watched closely with all the rest.

Word went round that the mechanics were sure it was a similar issue to the one before and Mark overheard a comment that given another half lap the powertrain would doubtless have given out completely as the number one car's had earlier. The mechanics were working in a fury of synchronised energy to replace the faulty part and get the car ready to go again and Mark was so caught up watching them that it was only as they re-fitted the engine cover and seemed to be declaring her good to go that he noticed Jenson stood with his helmet on ready to jump in.

Dumas could have stayed in, but the team seemed to have decided that fresh blood was needed to fight to the line and within seconds the car was back out in the pitlane, Jenson fitted inside and he was off.

It had all happened so fast Mark felt as though despite having done nothing but watch, he was reeling from the speed of it, but as the garage all turned to watch where the number two car came back out on track it finally occurred to Mark that this meant the number one car was in the lead once more. _They were in the lead._ The words echoed in his brain as Mark tried to make sense of it. The number two car had come out still ahead of the trailing Toyota, but it was now over a lap down on the number one car. There was still more than ten minutes to go and the strain of racing so long was telling on all the cars as well as the drivers, but surely...?

 

Mark shut thoughts like that down. He tried to shut his brain down entirely. Every time he hoped too hard or took anything for granted it seemed the race was turned on his head and if he was foolish enough to make presumptions about how even the last few laps of the race went, then surely all hell would break loose and Mark honestly didn't think he could take any more. He gave the others around him and nod and though Mark knew he ought to stand with his team-mate, he went to the back to sit by Seb, slipping his hand right back into Seb's and saying nothing, merely giving it a squeeze as they looked at one another.

Jess sat on the other side of Sebastian looked more tense than anyone else in the garage and Seb felt bad for her. He knew she had thought Jenson's race was run and his car had seemed safely in the lead. It wasn't fair, but then no one ever said racing was fair. Seb looked up to the screen and listened as the commentary remarked on how Jenson seemed to have sprung out of the traps and seemed to have decided he had little to lose by playing it safe now. Sebastian thought the opposite could be argued as the number two was still in a reasonably secure second place and even if he caught the number one car, surely the team order from before still stood and they wouldn't allow a fight to the finish. In fact given the troubles they had suffered, Seb suspected that the team would take an even firmer line on the matter, but he also guessed that might not be the point. Just like him, Jenson was a racer. He had his pride.

Sebastian understood that even if Jenson knew the win was unlikely, nay almost impossible, pride made him want to push to the very last second. He wouldn't want to trail home a sad lap behind after all they had done. It wasn't as if Brendon had lifted off the throttle. He was still going at a steady fast pace up front, but he wasn't pushing too hard. Indeed given all the trouble they had been having with their cars it would surely have felt like tempting fate to have done so, but nevertheless within a lap the two cars were on the came lap and another lap after that they were closer still.

  
  


There was less than ten minutes to go now. Mark reckoned on that being roughly three laps until the chequered flag came out. He could barely watch.

Seb felt Mark's grip tighten on his hand and he squeezed back, then spared a look to Jessica.

“He's doing really good,” offered Sebastian.

Jess nodded distractedly and Seb didn't know how to follow that up so he just went back to watching the screen, counting down the minutes and watching the cars go around the circuit for he didn't know how many times now. With things seeming reasonably steady up front the coverage cut away to show the other leaders in each field and both Seb and Mark along with most of the occupants of the garage wanted to yell at the screen to say nobody cared about them. They knew that was unfair of course and there were plenty who cared about how the other categories turned out, but this was Le Mans and when it came down to it, there was really only one winner of the race.

Mark thought his heart must be beating almost as fast as it had done this time last year when he had actually been in the car. It was a different kind of stress than fighting to the line with another car chasing to overtake and steal the win. Even if Jenson did the almost impossible and caught up, Mark was fairly certain he wouldn't attempt to get by, even if there was an extent where it might actually be fair for the team to call that and instruct Brendon to let him go by. That wouldn't happen though. It would look too obvious with no championship on the line and Porsche couldn't justify anything so blatant. Both cars had suffered problems and all the team cared about was getting a one/two finish. The thought crossed Mark's mind that if they could just hold this result then the board in Stuttgart would be nigh on ecstatic.

He caught Seb looking at him and Mark gave him a tight smile in reply. They both knew that there was nothing to be done but wait and watch.

  
  


Jenson was little more than half a lap behind now, but there was only five minutes to go. Even he had to know that there was no chance he could really get close unless the number one car had another problem. Of course that very thought was the one that filled both Sebastian and Mark's minds; that even now, in the dying minutes of the longest race of the year, after everything, they could still have another issue and the whole thing could fall apart.

Mark could feel the anxiety building in him, getting worse rather than better with every passing minute. Too many times before it had been there in the bag, only for it all to go wrong and there was not a damn thing he could do about it. Stood on the side of the track watching a car in flames, smoke billowing out and that terrible sense of inevitability weighing on him that he had brought it on himself because he had allowed himself to presume the race was over before it really was.

He was tempted to go out the back of the garage and pace up and down, but Mark knew that he couldn't take his eyes of the screen as they watched the number one car rounding out the Ford Chicane heading towards the start-finish line once more. Surely the next time they passed it they would be within reach of the three o'clock deadline and thus onto their final lap.

Sebastian gave Mark's hand a quick squeeze and Mark leaned in and took his eyes from the screen for a fraction to look at him.

“Okay?”

Seb nodded his head, to let him know he understood how he was feeling and Mark gave him a little smile back before returning his attention to the pictures above, currently showing the number one car speeding along the Mulsanne Straight. Brendon had to pass some other cars and Mark found himself holding his breath as he thought how one of them could chose to idiotically move into his path and cause his team-mate to crash just as he had done, but none did. It was at least some small comfort to know that if a driver was still in the race at this point, then the likelihood was that they were at least half decent and had some idea what they ought to be doing to have got this far. There was still an element of luck involved of course, they all needed more than a dollop of that to survive the twenty-four hours in one piece.

  
  


The lead car was now rounding the far corner, coming back around to loop back towards the finish line. Mark could see from the times that the number one car had slowed and for half a second that worried him even more as he couldn't help worrying that meant he had a problem, but then Mark heard comments from the engineer telling Brendon that he was pace was good and he realised that the slowing was deliberate in order to let the number two car close up. The Toyota in third was too far behind to be of concern and it seemed that Porsche had decided that they wanted a photo-finish after all.

Brendon went past the pit straight once more and now the television screen was showing a countdown to three pm, getting closer and closer and then the commentators were excitedly pointing out what they could all see; as the lead Porsche went along the Mulsanne Straight again it really was for the last time. The clock changed to show it was now three pm. They just had to complete the lap and they were finally home. Just over half a lap to go.

The number one car had plainly slowed even further and though Mark knew it was deliberate, it still made him nervous, as if doing anything out of the norm was asking for trouble. The hand that wasn't holding onto Seb's was now balled into a tight fist and Mark had to concentrate on breathing slowly. He couldn't bring himself to look down, but he felt Seb's thumb rubbing over the back of his hand soothingly and a part of Mark's subconscious knew that he must appear as tense as he felt. The movement did calm him somewhat, but time seemed to be crawling by now that they countdown was gone and every second of watching the number one car driving around the track now felt like agonising hours.

The car went past several more back-markers with extreme care, then jinked through Indianapolis and Arnage and as it entered the straight as both cars aimed for the Porsche Curves, the number two car driven by Jenson finally appeared in the same shot once more. Sebastian turned to Jessica, giving her a smile which she returned. They all knew that it was a piece of face-saving by the team, but nevertheless Jenson had put in a good turn to bring the second car up so quickly. Admittedly they were no longer saving fuel and the lead car at slowed, but even so he had done well.

Jenson was still a couple of hundred metres behind Brendon, but as they went through the Porsche Curves and on to the last straightish run approaching the Ford Chicane a radio call went out to tell them the gap and everyone listening knew that meant the team was telling them to line up nicely to create the perfect one, two ready to go over the line. Technically speaking Jenson could close up and then jump Brendon to steal the win, but that sort of thing simply wasn't done in WEC where the team game was stronger than in F1. Seb looked to Mark feeling a sudden flashback to a time he disobeyed team orders and stole the win Mark had deserved. He felt a new wash of guilt and wished with all his heart he could go back to Malaysia and undo what was done, but that couldn't be. You couldn't turn back time, you could only make the most of the present to try to build a better future. Sebastian pushed those thoughts of the past away and concentrated on the here and now to see the last few moments of the longest race of the year play out.

  
  


Seconds later both cars were winging their way through the circuit's last jinks before passing the finishing line and the Porsche garage exploded as the screen above showed the result to be the perfect one/two result the team had dreamed of ever since returning to Endurance racing. People were jumping up and cheering, burly mechanics hugging with enthusiasm. Seb and Mark had stood too, but instead of leaping about like the rest, they merely wrapped their arms around one another and pressed in tight. Mark had forgotten all about his bruises as he closed his eyes and hung onto to Seb, while Seb in turn had his arms around Mark's middle, his cheek against his shoulder. He looked up and as Mark opened his eyes it was to see Seb gazing at him.

“I love you so much.”

Mark read how sincerely Sebastian said that. If they hadn't been so close together there was no way he would have been able to hear it over the din around them, but he felt the emphasis in every word.

“Love you too darling.”

Mark gave him a squeeze and as Seb pressed tighter against his chest it did hurt a little, but Mark too happy to care. There was something about the way he hugged back that made Mark want to ask what it was he was thinking, but now wasn't the time. Timo had rushed over and Mark had to let go of Seb to receive his hug in turn and his team-mate was a lot less dainty about it than Seb had been, causing Mark to _oof_ as he felt the impact. He could hardly complain when Timo was so happy though. Sebastian had switched to hugging Jessica and was now busily telling her what an incredible job Jenson had done and how really it almost felt as though a dead-heat would have been the fairest result, but Jess knew that wasn't how these things worked.

“My god, that race, crazy!” laughed Timo.

“Yeah mate, you can say that again,” Mark agreed.

“We should go, be ready to meet him.”

“Sure.” Mark tapped Sebastian on the shoulder. “Sweetheart I've got to go.”

Sebastian turned to him.

“Oh of course. Wow, podium. Oh my god Mark you won.”

“Yeah, somehow,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian gave him another quick hug and a kiss on the cheek, feeling far more into the swing of celebrating now.

“You did amazing. I'm so proud of you Liebling.”

Mark smiled more widely, feeling less like he had lucked into the win now that Sebastian said that.

“Thanks. I guess I'd better get going.”

Seb nodded, then laughed and indicated over.

“They're waiting.”

 

Mark turned around and went over to give a quick selection of pats on the back to the mechanics to whom they owed so much, then reached his boss at the entrance to get a hearty hug that somehow managed to hurt a deal more than Seb's had, then he along with all the other drivers were off out into the pitlane ready to greet the returning triumphant cars. The mechanics and most of the rest of the team spilled out to follow them and the garage was suddenly far quieter. Seb turned to Jess and gave her another hug.

“You okay?” he checked.

Jessica nodded.

“I don't think I'll ever quite get used to how much chance there is in all this,” she admitted.

“No me neither.”

Jess smiled.

“You race, you should know.”

“Yeah but this...” Seb waved around him, “it's like everything is times ten.”

“I'll say.”

“You're not too disappointed are you?” checked Sebastian.

Jessica shrugged.

“Way it goes I guess. I suppose it could've been a lot worse with that last stop,” she allowed.

“Yeah.”

“At least he finished this year,” sighed Jessica.

Sebastian gave Jess a half-smile and nodded, then tipped his head towards the garage exit.

“He really did great you know,” praised Seb. “That last push. The team will be so pleased with him.”

Jess nodded and took a deep breath and smiled.

“Second's pretty good I guess.”

“Absolutely it is,” concurred Seb. “Want to go wave?”

“Yep, let's go,” she agreed.

  
  


They went out into the pitlane to wave the cars going past on their way to the hastily assembled Parc Ferme below the podium, then followed them to see the top three cars being put in place for the cameras and the drivers all celebrating. Jess and Sebastian stood together at the barrier and watched their respective partners enjoying themselves before Jenson rushed over to give Jessica a hug and allow her to offer her congratulations. Jenson stepped sideways and gave Seb a hug as well. Sebastian was about to offer his sympathy at the fact Jenson had so narrowly lost out on the win when Jenson grinned.

“Bloody hell. I don't know how we managed that. I was sure we were scuppered with that last stop.”

Seb smiled at Jenson's ever 'glass half-full' attitude.

“You did great, really great to get all the way back up there,” praised Sebastian.

Jenson gave him a knowing look.

“Ah well, gotta give the team what they want eh? No hardship to put my foot down a bit.”

Jenson could see that Seb had one eye watching Mark over by their car parked on the giant 'one' spot, so he smiled and waved over.

“Hubby's too busy showing off,” smiled Jenson.

Sebastian shook his head.

“I already gave him a hug.”

“Ah I suppose.”

Jenson looked up to the podium, then back at Jess.

“Think we're due up there.”

“Yep, on you go then.”

Jenson smiled and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before going back to join his team-mates. An official came over to instruct them that they ought to make a move to start the podium ceremony and Mark realised he had less time than he thought so he rushed over to the barrier to give Seb a quick hug.

“Sorry darling, I was getting carried away,” Mark apologised.

Sebastian smiled, he'd been quite enjoying watching Mark climbing up on top of their car to pose for the cameras.

“It's fine, go on, they're heading up,” encouraged Seb.

Mark glanced over his shoulder to see that the rest were indeed making their way now and he was in danger of being left behind. He nodded and leaned in to give Seb quick kiss on the cheek and gave Jess a rapid half-hug before pausing to smile at Sebastian once more and letting out a little laugh.

“I used to have the worst luck. You changed all that.”

“I didn't do anything.”

“Yes you did.”

“Mark you're going to miss the podium!”

Mark grinned as Seb shook his head despairingly, then he rushed off to catch up the rest.

 

Sebastian stayed pressed into the barriers with Jess as they watched the trophies being awarded and the champagne being sprayed. Even from this distance he could see Mark looking down at him and Seb gave him a little wave up, even though he knew it must look silly to the crowds all around them. Up on the podium Mark saw Seb waving and huffed a laugh, more glad to see that than all the thousands of fans cheering beyond him.

He put down the now near-empty bottle and paused for a moment just to take it all in. It felt almost surreal to be here. Mark looked at the cameras and smiled before slotting his arms around the shoulders of his team-mates, thinking how his family would be watching and how he ought to ring them as soon as he could. Seb's family would no doubt be watching too. Mark smiled to think that young Fabian was surely getting far too excited right now and wondered whether his nephew Ryan might have been allowed to stay up until the end. Even Pauline would probably be watching. They had so much family to think of nowadays. That felt more important the over-sized trophy placed at his feet. He wasn't planning on handing it back though.

Timo gave him a nudge and they hoisted the trophy once more for the cameras, Andreas positioning himself between the groups from both cars and Mark thought the smile on his face was wider than any of the drivers who had actually raced. It was a big achievement for him and the team, the culmination of a dream that had been formulated long before Mark was even signed up to the programme. Mark nodded to him, thinking that his boss had worked hard for this and deserved his moment just as much as they did, indeed the whole team did.

  
  


Shortly afterwards Mark stood with the media saying much the same thing.

“It seems you had luck on your side today,” noted the interviewer beside the camera currently pointed at Mark.

“Yeah I brought my lucky charm with me,” smiled Mark, “but really it wasn't luck, it was the team. They built a fantastic car. Actually they built it twice seeing as they had to rebuild it pretty much all over again on Friday. This team is amazing and frankly the whole team ought to have been up on that podium.”

“They certainly turned things around pretty impressively.”

“More than once,” added Mark.

“Indeed. So did you always have faith things would come through for you?”

Mark smiled broadly.

“Ah well a wise man told me never to give up hope.”

He huffed a little laugh but Mark knew he was mostly making that joke to himself.

“Anyway, as I said, the team did a great job.”

“And this is two in a row for you.”

Mark smiled again.

“Yeah, that's pretty incredible.”

“You have big hopes for this year then?”

Mark huffed another laugh.

“Yeah I gotta tell you it's already a pretty good year for me, but sure we're optimistic. Like I say, when you've got back-up like this, almost anything seems possible.”

“With a bit of luck,” smiled the interviewer.

“Can't do it without that too mate.”

“You'll be relying on your lucky charm then?”

“Always.”

 

The interviewer gave the signal that they were done and the cameraman switched the camera off. Mark looked to the Porsche PR assistant and got the nod.

“That you done then?” asked the interviewer conversationally.

“Yeah mate.”

“Off to find your lucky charm?”

Mark chuckled.

“Yeah I think he's waited around long enough for me.”

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeesh, I'm knackered. I'm also pretty stressed about the amount of work I've got to do next week after being off for Easter/Spring break and my heads gone all fragoozled (technical term) so if any of you wanted to say hello it would be appreciated right now...
> 
> (And yes, I know how pathetic and needy that sounds!)


	141. Nobody puts baby in the corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Sunday and another chapter and another crazy, slightly scary week coming up. Hey ho, hope you like this little post-race chapter and I'm not posting it too late for you to read.

* * *

 

  


The following hours were a whirl of activity, though for Sebastian it mostly continued to be a case of him following Mark around and staying in the background as the Porsche motorhome was opened up to media to make the most of celebrating their success. After disappearing for a while, Seb saw Andreas go to speak to all the drivers and guessed plans were being made. Not long later Mark came over to find Seb tucked away in a corner with Jessica and took Seb to one side to inform him that they had been asked to go directly to Stuttgart the following day to continue marking the win back at the headquarters.

“So what do you think?” asked Mark.

Seb frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I'm gonna have to dash off again. I can't really say no.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“Mark, of course you're not going to say no. It's fine. Of course they want to celebrate.”

“Yeah and it'd be nice to say thank you to all the guys who made the car.”

“Sure. Well that's fine. So what's the plan then?”

“Well not much of a plan yet other than I need to be there for eleven tomorrow. More media there again as well.”

Sebastian gave an acknowledging tip of his head. He knew how thrilled the team were and naturally the board wanted to keep the momentum going to maximise the PR potential of their win.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Mark.

“Sorry? Liebling you just won. You should be making the most of it. I'm guessing all the board will be there too.”

“Mm, I presume so. It's just what do you want to do?”

“Me?” frowned Seb.

“Yeah. I mean we've got the plane on standby, so you could just go home tonight and I'd be back tomorrow night,” suggested Mark.

“Is the idea that you stay here tonight and go to Stuttgart in the morning?”

“Yeah. I think it's easier seeing as we already have the hotel rooms here.”

“Sure. Okay so then nip over and back again in a day?”

“Yep.”

“Well I'll just come along,” offered Seb. “No point having the plane go back and forth like a yo-yo. The pilot will be knackered.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think _I'm_ knackered.”

Sebastian gave him a smile and put his hand on his arm to give it a little rub.

“Oh Liebling course you are. It's a bit of a rush isn't it?”

 

Mark stood closely to be sure no one could overhear him, then he let out a little sigh.

“I dunno, a proper rest would be nice and then come back later in the week, but maybe it's best to get it done.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, then when we're home we can have a real rest. Just write off Tuesday and spend it in bed.”

Mark laughed and tweaked his eyebrows up.

“Not sure if I've got the energy for that sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“I _meant_ to sleep.”

“Sure. Right well yeah that sounds good, but what do you want to do about tomorrow?”

“Well I'll just come with you.”

Mark paused and looked awkward.

“Yeah. Thing is I don't think it's quite like tonight. They want to have a bit of a showcase with the team and the drivers and...”

“Oh, no I didn't mean _with you_ with you,” clarified Seb. “I know I couldn't go along to the base. I just meant go to Stuttgart.”

“Right, okay but what will you do all day?”

“Um, I dunno. Do you think Jess is going?”

 

Mark looked over to see that Jenson had come over and was doubtless having a similar conversation with his other half. He waited a moment, then caught his eye and made a small gesture to see if it was okay to confer, then the pair of them went over to join them.

“So we were just wondering what your plans were?” enquired Mark.

“Oh we're gonna head home as soon as we can get away tonight, then I'll hop up to Stuttgart in the morning,” related Jenson.

“Ah right.”

 

Mark looked to Sebastian who shrugged as they took a step away again.

“It's fine. I'll just go into the city centre, read my books in a coffee shop,” offered Seb.

“Really?”

“Yeah it's no problem.”

“You're sure?”

“Yes. Don't worry about it. You just do what you need to do. Have you any kind of rough time it'll be finished?”

“Um, not yet, I think they're still finalising the plans, but not late.”

“Right, well I can just come pick you up and we'll head back, fly home,” decided Seb.

“You sure you're okay with waiting around on me all day?” Mark double-checked.

“I'm sure.” Seb shrugged. “I think we're pretty well practised at waiting around aren't we?”

They looked at one another, Mark thinking Seb had done more than enough waiting around on him while they had been here, but he did the same at Seb's races. It was just the way it was for them. Mark gave him a nod.

“Okay then.”

“I'll ring the plane crew, let them know we've got a revised plan,” offered Sebastian decisively.

“Thanks sweetheart. I'll see if I can find a few more details on times and stuff.”

“No rush.”

“I don't think we'll have to stay too much later here. Once the media clear out we can make our escape and at least get a reasonable night's kip.”

“It's fine Mark, really. Do what you need to.”

“Do you need a drink or anything?”

Sebastian looked down at his glass of water and shook his head, then eyed Mark's glass of champagne. Mark saw where he was looking and smiled, before leaning in to whisper.

“Just for show. More than two sips and I swear I'd be spark out in a corner.”

Seb laughed and nodded.

“Me too.”

“Yeah, okay come with me. You don't need to hide in a corner all night.”

 

Mark put his arm around Sebastian and with a nod to the other two they headed back to circulate the room, congratulating the guys from the team who were there and chatting with various media representatives, making the most of the chance to praise Porsche and make a good impression as Mark knew he needed to. Seb mostly stuck quietly by his side, merely smiling and offering a few positive comments to team-members he encountered. Thankfully most of the media were more interested in talking to Mark as a race winner, but one journalist turned to Seb and he found a voice recorder under his nose.

“So Seb, this is getting to be a habit isn't it?”

Sebastian glanced to Mark, then nodded slowly.

“Mark winning you mean? Yeah sure. It's fantastic. The whole team have worked so hard for this.”

“You must have thought such a result was out of the window on Thursday?”

Seb wasn't sure whether he was about to be off-message, but he could only think of a direct answer to give in reply.

“Ah to be honest at that point the race was the last thing on my mind.”

They were stood closely together, but at that Mark instinctively put his arm around Seb again and they looked at one another. The journalist watched them, observing the way they seemed to be communicating without speaking as Mark gave Sebastian a small smile and Seb responded with an almost invisible nod in reply. It felt rude to interrupt them so the journalist merely stood waiting until the pair seemed to remember he was there and looked back to him.

“I mean obviously the team did an incredible job,” offered Sebastian. “Every time I get to be in the garage I'm blown away by how they work miracles on the cars. It's really so impressive how fast they work and how well they work together.”

“Of course it's a fantastic car to begin with,” chimed in Mark, “and all the safety features they have... I can tell you we're very thankful for those.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

“And the organisation here at Le Mans is a big help too of course, the medical support, marshals and recovery, that's important and we're very appreciative of that. All the drivers and teams are I know. Without that we don't get to rebuild and have the chance to race, so yeah, it all adds up.”

“Of course,” agreed the journalist, “well I'm sure we're all glad of that.”

Mark took what looked like a sip of his champagne and the journalist pressed pause on his player, guessing that it was time to move on.

“Well, thanks. I think I'll just see if I can bag a word with Andreas,” he excused before walking away.

 

As soon as he was gone Seb turned to Mark and puffed out a breath.

“Was that okay what I said?”

“Course it was darling.”

“I was just being honest.”

“Sweetheart it's fine. Honest is good. They know it's from the heart then.”

“Sure.”

“And you don't have to talk to them anyway. You're not working.”

“Bit hard to say that to them,” pointed out Sebastian.

“Mm, well it was fine anyway.” Mark looked around and noted that the room was thinning out at last. “Think we might be able to do a runner soon. I'm just gonna grab a word with people to firm up details then we'll be done.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I'll just be a moment,” excused Mark, then set down his glass on a nearby table and gave Seb an apologetic smile for abandoning him for a couple of minutes before returning.

“Right, we're good.”

 

They went over to say some goodbyes then walked back to the hotel with Jess and Jenson, travelling up in the lift together. As they stepped out they exchanged hugs, Seb hanging on to Jessica for a little while longer.

“We'll see you soon,” she promised.

Sebastian nodded.

“I'll send you details for the barbecue in the summer.”

“Great, well that'll be fun.”

Jenson gave Mark a nod.

“Guess I'll see you tomorrow mate.”

“Yep.”

“Just got to grab our stuff and we'll be off, so Seb mate if I don't see you tomorrow, take care of yourself, yeah?”

“Yeah thanks, you too, and thanks for all your support while we've been here.”

“Nah,” smiled Jenson, “no bother. I don't share my Jelly Babies with just anyone you know.”

Mark and Seb smiled and they said their final goodbyes before aiming for their respective rooms.

  


As soon as they let themselves into their hotel room the only thing on Mark and Sebastian's minds was to get to bed as fast as possible. They quickly got ready, then each of them set multiple alarms on their phones to ensure there was no chance they could oversleep when they were so tired. That done they climbed into bed and lay down. Mark tipped back his head on the pillow with the longest sigh.

“Oh god, my brain is fried,” complained Mark.

Sebastian lay propped up slightly on his side looking at him. He raised his hand and stroked it gently over Mark's hair.

“You just need to relax and sleep Liebling,” Seb soothed.

“Hmm, it's just all whirling up there.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian gave him a smile then dipped in to kiss Mark's forehead, then lifted back up to look at him.

“Maybe I can help?”

Mark furrowed his brow slightly.

“Help?”

“Mmm.”

Sebastian reached to stroke his fingers along Mark's fabulous strong jaw. The stubble was rather longer after the weekend they'd just had, but he didn't care. He always thought Mark looked wonderful. The smile on Seb's face broadened and he flicked his eyebrows up teasingly.

“You know, help empty out that brain,” Seb explained, his hand now lightly skimming over the top of Mark's chest to sneak under the duvet.

“Oh,” smiled Mark, finally cottoning on.

“Mmm. I mean only if you like?”

“Well...”

“You do deserve a nice reward for your win,” teased Seb, his hand smoothing ever lower.

“Do I?”

“Mm. You just lie back and let me take care of you.”

Mark let out a little laugh.

“That is kind of you darling.”

Sebastian merely smiled and sent his hand lower to reach for Mark's cock and began to gently stroke it. Mark let out a grateful sigh and closed his eyes. Seb moved his upper body in closer, taking care not to put any weight into Mark's bruised chest.

As he leaned in Seb whispered;

“This nice?”

“Mmm.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and continued what he was doing until he felt Mark grow hard under his touch. Mark's breathing got heavier and Seb paused to stretch up to kiss him, succeeding in getting Mark to open his eyes.

“Liebling, you want me to..?”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian grinned at how dozy Mark sounded and let go of him to lift the duvet away. He arched an eyebrow and Mark smiled.

“Oh.”

“Mmm.”

“Well that would be nice,” Mark agreed.

“Good.”

 

Seb shifted slightly and began kiss Mark's chest as delicately as possible, his lips barely brushing the skin as he worked his way down. There was a part of Mark that was tempted to suggest that Seb could hurry up and aim lower, but why rush something as lovely as this? No matter how tired he was Mark didn't want to hurry Seb, not when he was doing this so perfectly, pausing to look up at Mark through his gorgeous long lashes as he pressed his full lips softly against him once more. Mark gave Sebastian an encouraging smile and stroked his hand along Seb's arm where he held himself up from lying into him.

As Seb finally reached his intended destination and started to kiss lightly along Mark's cock before mouthing at it a little more firmly, Mark had to close his eyes. He wanted to warn Seb that he was sure he wouldn't last long tonight, but no words came out other than a gasped;

“Oh _god_.”

Sebastian smiled against him, then lifted away for a moment to reposition himself before he commenced working in earnest. Mark felt a hand rest on his right hip to keep him in place, then Seb's mouth around him. A soft wet heat that almost completely overwhelmed him.

“Fuck.”

Mark squeezed his eyes tight in concentration, then opened them to see Seb looking at him. They locked eyes for a for a moment before Mark got enough sense together to move his hand which he hadn't realised had fisted into a tight ball by his side and place it gently on Sebastian's shoulder.

“So good darling, _so_ good.”

Mark could swear he caught sight of a hint of a pleased smile on Seb's face before he continued what he was doing, moving against him, using his lips and tongue to drive Mark to the point where he could hold back no longer and fell helplessly over the edge.

 

As Seb lifted away and dropped down onto the mattress they were both trying to get their breath back. If Mark had thought his brain was whirling before, it was in free-fall now. The pillow behind his head seeming to disappear as he span dizzily through space. His eyes had fallen closed again, though Mark didn't remember shutting them. Sebastian felt fairly dizzy himself, but as he settled he pushed up and reached for the water on the side to take a drink before moving back to lean over Mark again, this time to plant a kiss on his lips.

Mark opened his eyes and saw the teasing smile on Sebastian's face.

“That nice then Liebling?”

Mark huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“ _Nice_ my darling doesn't cover it. That, was fucking amazing. Come here.”

He put his hands on Seb's upper arms and pulled him in to kiss him hard, then wrapped his arms around him, keeping Seb lying on his chest.

“I'm hurting you,” worried Sebastian.

“No. You could never do that.” Mark grazed his hands over Seb's shoulder-blades whilst looking into his eyes. “You're not hurting me darling, it's fine. Stay here.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian let himself relax into him, resting half across Mark's chest and only keeping his head up enough to look at Mark who lifted one hand to stroke the back of his fingers over Seb's cheek. He let out a long sigh, then gave him a smile.

“You're incredible.”

Seb smiled coyly.

“Nothing's too good for my Le Mans winner.”

 

Mark chuckled a laugh and though the weight of Seb lying into his bruised chest did ache slightly, there was nothing that would persuade him to ask Seb to move. Instead he put his hands either side of Sebastian and hitched him up a little so they could kiss properly. As they parted Mark let out a sigh and closed his eyes again, losing the struggle to keep them open.

“Do you think you can sleep now Liebling?” whispered Sebastian.

Mark forced his eyes to open.

“Don't you want me to repay the favour sweetheart?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“It's okay. You're worn out.”

“I can.”

“No, just sleep mein Liebster.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I'm tired. I need to sleep too.”

Mark nodded before giving Seb a quick kiss.

“Okay. When we get home.”

“Sure.”

Mark kissed Sebastian again, then sighed.

“Okay, let's sleep then.”

Seb shifted off him, but Mark pulled him back in at his side and guided Sebastian's head to rest just below his shoulder so he lay a little onto him.

“Like this?” checked Seb.

“Yes darling. That's my reward.” Mark folded his arms around Sebastian and rested his cheek down into his forehead. “To hold you close.”

Sebastian turned his head and kissed the top of Mark's chest.

“'kay.”

Seb felt the way Mark took a deep breath then let it out slowly, his body rising and then falling with the motion.

“It gives me peace,” murmured Mark sleepily. “Inside... to feel you there.”

His voice drifted away and Sebastian felt Mark's breathing slow into a steady rhythm. He didn't need to look to know that Mark was instantly asleep. A nice, deep, contented sleep just as Seb had intended. He smiled to himself and fitted his arm across Mark's middle to hold himself in place, then slowly slipped away to join him.

  


  


They both woke far too early the next morning at the sound of two alarms blaring out hideously loudly from their phones on respective night-stands. Mark and Seb each groaned and forced themselves up to grab them, silencing and cancelling the alarms. That done Mark dropped back down onto the bed with a groan.

“Oh god, how can it be seven am?”

Sebastian gave him a half-smile.

“Sorry Liebling.”

Mark rubbed at his face and sat once more, stretching out his arms fully as he yawned, then leaned in to give Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Nonsense. Not your fault is it? Crazy team planning stuff today.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Getting it all over and done with,” he suggested.

“Yeah I guess.”

Mark smiled at how dishevelled Sebastian's hair looked and reached over to card his fingers through it.

“I'd far rather have woken up at home though,” Mark admitted.

Sebastian shrugged and Mark let out a little laugh.

“And at midday too.”

“That would be nice,” Sebastian agreed.

Mark nodded agreement.

“Yeah it would sweetheart. Oh well. Tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“I might have a smidge more energy by then too.”

 

Sebastian eyes were drawn to Mark's chest which still looked terrible. He shook his head.

“Does it really not hurt?”

Mark saw where he was looking and shrugged.

“Not so much any more. Don't worry about it darling, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Come on, shower, decent breakfast and we'll be all set.”

Sebastian nodded and took Mark's hand as he offered it out to lead him into the bathroom. They cleaned their teeth while the shower warmed up, then stepped inside together. As the water streamed over his head Mark thought of something that might help.

“Sweetheart will you do something for me?”

“You know I'll do anything.”

Mark smiled.

“I do know that, but I was just thinking, will you wash my hair for me, wake my brain back up?”

“Ah.”

Seb smiled and reached for the shampoo, pouring a little into his hand before reaching up to massage it into Mark's hair. Mark put his hands on Sebastian's waist to hold him in place as he stretched up on his toes, making sure he didn't slip. Mark closed his eyes and let out a little happy noise that made Seb huff a silent laugh at the effect he was having on him. For a minute Mark enjoyed forgetting everything apart from the sensation of Sebastian gently messaging his scalp, his body pressed into him, both things wonderfully comforting. As Seb finally removed his hands Mark reopened his eyes and looked at him.

“Could you just do that all day?” he requested.

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder.

“I could, but what would your boss say?”

“Hmm, guess he might frown apon it in the middle of the event.”

Sebastian laughed, then allowed Mark to thank him with a kiss before they went about cleaning themselves. They continued to help each other with the task, each wishing that they had more time for this to really make the most of it.

 

As they climbed out and dried off, Mark stood with a towel wrapped around his waist and looked at himself in the mirror again, seeing the dark marbled bruising all over his skin accompanied by overgrown stubble on his face that was very nearly a beard now.

“Jesus I do look a mess don't I?”

Sebastian gave him a weak smile and Mark nodded.

“Yeah, sorry sweetheart. It'll heal.” He rubbed his hand over his stubble. “This I can fix though. Gotta look smart for the big bosses.”

“Not for me?” teased Seb.

“Oh darling, of course for you too.”

Sebastian smiled and pushed up on his toes to kiss Mark's stubbly jaw.

“I always think you look very handsome Liebling,” he praised.

Mark gave him a wink.

“Thank you sweetheart. You too. Even so, think I need that shaver.”

 

Mark set about shaving his face, then Seb held out his hand for the shaver when he was finished and did the same. When Sebastian was done Mark moved to stand behind him and wrapped his arms around Seb before setting his chin on his shoulder and smiling at him in the mirror. Then he moved his head to brush his now smooth face against Sebastian's cheek, gaining a wonderful soft smile in response before Seb rubbed back against him. Mark sighed and set his chin down again.

“Urgh, can't believe I have to work today.”

Seb felt so nice pressed into him, all soft and warm and pink from the shower. Standing there dressed only in a small towel, looking completely gorgeous and Mark was going to leave him so he could spend his day hobnobbing with board members and media instead of utilising it far more wisely in bed with Sebastian. That just didn't seem right, but at least that was the plan for tomorrow. He'd just have to hang on until tomorrow.

“Right then,” sighed Mark as he lifted away trying to motivate himself. “Dress, breakfast, onwards.”

Sebastian turned around and nodded.

“Onwards,” he concurred.  


  


Less than an hour and a half later they were settled into their seats on their hired plane ready for take-off. Once they were up and had been advised by the steward that they were okay to release their seatbelts and were left alone again, Mark turned to Sebastian.

“I feel a bit bad I didn't invite the others to come with us,” he admitted.

Sebastian gave a little shrug.

“I'm sure they're fine. It's only a short hop.”

“Mm. I guess I might have really made an effort to arrange it if Jenson was going this way. Is that terrible?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. Don't worry about it. Besides, if they were here we couldn't really do this could we?”

“Do what?”

A grin spread over Seb's face as he looked to be sure the steward was safely stowed away in his own front compartment, then shifted to put himself to sit in Mark's lap, slipping his arms around Mark's neck and leaning in to kiss him.

“Oh.” Mark let out a laugh and matched the smile on Seb's face. “Excellent point darling.”

“I thought so.”

“You're very wise.”

“Mm.”

Mark's arms went to hold around Sebastian, then he began to kiss him again more slowly, already wishing that the journey time was longer.

  


  


  


A few hours later Sebastian sat in a coffee shop in Stuttgart, tucked in a corner facing away from the rest of the occupants as he read on his Kindle, stringing out his cooling coffees, every now and again asking for another. He was pretty sure that the waitress recognised him, but she said nothing other than to politely serve him and no one else had come near, so he felt comfortable enough not to feel the need to move. Seb had managed to bag a comfy high-backed chair and though he knew Mark worried that he was kicking his heels waiting on him once again, Sebastian wasn't unhappy. It would be nicer to be home, but Seb didn't regret accompanying Mark here. This way they would travel together and arrive home together and that only felt right after their long trip around the world.

Seb thought of the dogs who they hadn't seen for nearly a fortnight now since they left for Canada. He knew Pauline was taking good care of them and she had texted back to say an extra day was no trouble to add on, but he missed them. Apart from lots of time in bed, the other the thing Seb was looking forward to was simply to sit curled up on the sofa with Mark, a cup of tea in hand and the dogs at their feet. Maybe they'd do that tomorrow afternoon? That would just about be his perfect day.  


  


Mark stood doing the rounds once more at the Porsche head-quarters. He smiled and chatted and praised the team to whoever would listen. He did his best to charm the board members and remembered to mention all the key points that the PR team had gone through this morning when he was talking to the invited press, trying to give the very best impression that he could. Mark had his phone in his pocket. It was on silent, but if it rang or he received a message it would vibrate and he would know so he could check it. Last time he had been here in similar circumstances last November disaster had struck and although Mark was fairly sure Seb was safe amusing himself in the city centre only a few miles away, he still couldn't bring himself to switch his phone off altogether. At about two o'clock Mark felt it buzz and he excused himself to go visit the bathroom. Once in there he pulled his mobile out to see a message waiting.

SEB: Hope everything's going okay. Very proud of you Liebling, hope they're making a fuss of you.

Mark smiled to himself, relieved to see it was just a hello. He typed a reply.

MARK: Not as nice a fuss as you make darling, but I can wait for that. Hope you're not getting too bored hanging around.

SEB: I'm fine. Mainlining coffee & reading my baby books.

Mark scrunched his nose thinking how adorably keen Sebastian was.

MARK: Sounds fun. I'm busy giving sound-bites to media types. Swap you?

Not so very far away in the café Sebastian smiled as he read the rapid reply, then typed another.

SEB: Soon be over. I'm just getting lunch here. They feeding you?

MARK: Fancy titbits being handed round & more champagne I'm pretending to drink. Frankly I'd bite someone's hand off for a bacon sandwich & a coffee.

SEB: Tmw Liebling. I'll make you a nice breakfast as a treat. Oh BTW they've got some newspapers in this café & you're on the front page with all the guys in Parc Fermé.

MARK: Local papers?

SEB: And national. I was very tempted to hold it up & point at it as I told everyone in here; That's my husband! ;)

Mark chuckled to himself, hoping no one was in any of the cubicles listening and wondering what was amusing him so much.

MARK: Might rather have blown your cover sweetheart. Ok gotta get back to the coal-face. Love you.

SEB: Love you too Liebling. Pick you up about 5.30. Don't worry if you're running behind, I'll just be sat outside in the car.

MARK: Righto. See you later x

SEB: See you later xox

 

Mark let out a long sigh, then fitted his phone away again, glad to know that Seb was okay. Just a few more hours and they would be back together, on their way home to some long overdue proper rest. He couldn't wait.

 

  


 

By the time they were reunited and back on their final flight heading home Mark was more exhausted than he thought it possible to be. It only took five minutes after take-off for him to fall asleep leaning onto Sebastian's shoulder. Seb leaned his head into Mark's feeling far too hopped up on caffeine to sleep. He tried to occupy his mind by attempting to work out how many miles they had covered since leaving their home for Montreal. Too many. If you added in the driven miles as well then you would have an astronomical figure. It was nice to feel Mark resting peacefully into him though, so that was comforting. Seb wanted to wrap his arms around him, but if he moved he thought he might wake Mark up, so he stayed just as they were.

Poor Mark, battered and bruised and completely worn out. Sebastian had no idea how he had got through an added day of work, especially when he knew Mark would have been feeling the need to impress everyone, not least the board who had such influence on his future – _their_ future. Seb knew Mark felt a responsibility to secure that. He wished there was more he could do to help, but Sebastian didn't think there was, other than trying to take care of Mark whenever he could. Seb angled his head to kiss Mark's cheek and slipped his hand in Mark's simply to hold onto him.

“I love you so much,” whispered Sebastian. “Mein Fels, mein armer müder Fels. Ich werde mich um dich kümmern. Ich bin so stolz auf dich mein Liebling. Ich liebe dich so sehr. Ich werde dich immer lieben. _Immer_.”

Seb let out a sigh wondering if his words would have soaked into Mark's subconscious. He closed his eyes, trying to relax as much as Mark clearly was. It was at least nice to have Mark with him like this, but the sooner they were home in bed the better.

  
  


 

  


  


The next day it was gone midday before they got up, and then only really because they knew they needed to look after the dogs seeing as they had told Pauline to take the day off. As Sebastian made what they were still calling breakfast, Mark knelt down on the floor with Shadow and Simba as he topped up their bowls and petted them. The animals responded affectionately, making Mark smile as he thought the way they were pressing their faces into him reminded him of Seb rubbing his cheek into his chest earlier when they had been wrapped up together in bed sharing the moment of comedown. He huffed a silent laugh thinking that Seb might not appreciate the comparison.

“Go on, eat your food,” encouraged Mark with a final rub before he stood and went over to help Seb by boiling the kettle.

As they sat down with their meal Sebastian took a sip of his drink, then looked to Mark.

“What do you want to do today Liebling?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Don't think I'm up to much to be honest.”

“That's fine. Do you want to go back to bed after this?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“It's a nice idea darling, but I think I might have used up all my energy this morning.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Just to rest.”

Mark scrunched his nose.

“Nah we're up now. What say we get a spot of fresh air when we're done, take the boys out, then curl up on the sofa with a film when we get back?”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Yeah?”

“Yep. That's what I've been looking forward to.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Me too darling. There we go then; job's a good'un.”

  


  


Their afternoon walk out with the dogs was somewhat curtailed when the heavens opened with an unseasonal summer shower and they had to rush down the hill to get back to the house before they got completely soaked. As they stood in the bedroom removing damp hoodies, Mark saw Seb looking over at him as he opened a drawer to find a replacement. A smile slid onto his face.

“Want one of mine?”

Seb nodded and Mark dug one out and passed it over, pulling on his own then watching as Sebastian did the same before pushing the too-long sleeves up slightly. He wondered if there was something odd about how much he loved the way Seb did that and how fiercely possessive he felt when Seb wore his clothes. Sebastian always said it was like wearing a hug and similarly to Mark it felt as though he was wrapping his arms tight around him. Just another thing he suspected no one but them would understand.

He took a step closer then dipped in to give Seb a quick kiss on the nose. Sebastian smiled diffidently up at him.

“At least we don't wear matching ones,” he noted.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We used to.”

“Guess so. Not quite the same though is it?”

“No, we're good. Right then sweetheart, film and sofa?”

“Yep.”

  


They spent a restful couple of hours doing just what Sebastian had dreamt of: Lounging tangled up on the sofa with their happily settled dogs on the floor, each pair as content as the other that they were home and together. Mark and Seb were half watching a familiar film, but mostly enjoying being together without the pressure of work bearing down on them. As the film finished Sebastian stretched out beside Mark.

“Cup of tea?”

“If you're offering.”

Sebastian went to go get it, then returned, passing one mug to Mark before sitting beside him.

“You're spoiling me,” smiled Mark.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“It's only tea.”

“Nah mate, much more than that.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“You deserve to be spoiled and looked after.”

“Well...”

“You're not going to argue with me are you?” teased Sebastian.

“Would you call my mum?” laughed Mark.

“I might.”

“Hmm.”

Mark fitted his spare arm around Seb to keep him close, then gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Okay darling, I submit, spoil away.”

Sebastian smiled contentedly and took another sip of his tea before resting his head down on Mark's shoulder.

“I'll make dinner in a bit,” he offered.

“No rush.”

 

An hour or so later Sebastian got up to go and see what they had in the freezer to assemble dinner from. Mark went to go with him, but Seb shook his head.

“No you rest Liebling. I'll just find something to stick in the oven. I won't be long.”

He went to the kitchen, then having put some things into the microwave to defrost, stood idly waiting. A thought occurred to Sebastian that he hadn't checked his emails in a while and seeing as he was due in at the factory at the end of the week for some preparations for the next race, Seb thought it might be wise to have a quick look in case there was anything waiting for him. He went through to Mark's study where his, as well as Mark's laptop was stored, opening it up and switching it on.

As he logged onto his emails Sebastian glanced at one from Christian which included a few details on what they would be going over when he was in, and another from Britta with an itinerary for their time in Austria, then he spotted another which had come before them and Seb cursed himself for not looking sooner.

“Mark!”

Sebastian clicked the email open and scanned the contents before turning to shout for Mark again only to see him already on his way into the room, the dogs chasing in ahead of him.

“What is it?” asked Mark as he came closer.

“We've got an email from Rachel.”

“Oh right.”

Mark leaned in to read it, Seb sighing beside him.

“She sent it on Friday. I should have checked.”

Mark gave a shake of his head.

“We told her we were away working didn't we?”

“I guess.”

Mark re-read the message which informed them that the adoption agency were in receipt of their references and asked if they might be able to make another appointment to come and see her.

“Okay well let's get the diary out,” proposed Mark. “I don't think she'll be offended it's taken a couple of days to get back to her.”

“Mm. We've only got a week till we're off again though.”

Mark shrugged.

“Well we'll just have to see. If not, I'm sure we can do after Austria.”

 

Sebastian nodded, then read the second part of the message which asked that if they'd had chance to get their financial documents and their medical forms completed, to bring them to their next meeting.

“We still need to do that and I haven't really got a doctor over here, not like a normal GP.”

“Hmm.”

“I've just never needed to.”

“Well why don't we go into the village surgery tomorrow? I can see about getting mine signed and you can register with them,” proposed Mark.

“Is it that easy?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Dunno. Been so long I can't remember.”

“I guess if I just take what ID and documents I have.”

“Yeah. I'm sure it'll be fine.”

“Okay.”

“The finance stuff isn't hard though, we can sort that at least,” pointed out Mark.

“Yeah at least we can definitely take her that stuff.”

“Alright then, well why don't we email back and try to arrange the meeting at least? If we've not got the medical forms done we can just send them on.”

Sebastian found their diary and they composed an email in reply, apologising for the delay and suggesting a couple of days when they would be free.

“Basically any time from now to Tuesday apart from Friday,” noted Seb.

“Mm I've got a couple of phone interviews to do, but apart from that I'm good.”

 

They sent the email then Seb went to check if the food had defrosted properly while Mark stayed to check his own emails seeing as he was here. The same email from Rachel sat in his in-box as they had asked her to CC them both in each time to ensure they saw any messages. He saw a couple of extra requests for interviews from various media sources and forwarded them on to Porsche's PR team to sort out and was about to close down the laptop when another message pinged through just as Sebastian walked back in.

“I've just chucked some salmon and veg in to roast. Hope that's okay?”

“Hmm? Oh sure, sounds good,” agreed Mark. “We've got a reply.”

“Already?” frowned Seb as he peered closer at the screen. He checked his watch to see it was gone six pm. “She's working hard.”

“Mm, guess we should be glad we've got someone so conscientious.”

“Yeah.”

They both scanned the message thanking them for their reply, Rachel saying that if they could fit around her than she was happy to see them on Monday afternoon.

Mark turned to Seb.

“Well that's alright isn't it? Still gives us Tuesday to get stuff ready to go away.”

“Sure.”

“I'll say yes then.”

 

Seb watched as Mark typed a rapid affirmative, thanking her as ever for helping them out.

“I guess she's starting to appreciate that we're here and gone again a lot,” suggested Mark.

“Mm.”

“It helps we can pretty much slot in whenever if we're actually home.”

“Yeah.”

Mark frowned as he pressed send and turned back to Seb, reading something in his tone.

“What?”

Sebastian gave a shake of his head.

“No, just... it's been mad the past couple of weeks and we're only home again ready to go away next week. How are we going to manage that when we've got a baby? I'm knackered when it's just us we've got to look after.”

Mark puffed a breath and stood to join Seb.

“Well I'll be off won't I? That cuts it down a fair bit.”

“Mm. Still going all over the place for my races.”

Mark shrugged.

“We'll manage.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes sweetheart, people do.”

“I guess.”

“Darling don't fret. We've always said if it gets too much I can stay home a bit. We'll be okay.”

 

Sebastian scrunched his face and Mark shook his head.

“Okay so maybe we will be a bit knackered. I think that's standard for parenting and I've not even read all your books yet.”

A smile snuck onto Seb's face.

“Yeah okay,” he agreed.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Maybe we will be knackered, but it'll be worth it.”

“Course it will. No point worrying about it until we're there, right?”

“Sure. What do you think Rachel wants to talk about?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. Just a catch up maybe, perhaps tell us what we've got to do next?”

Seb nodded.

“It's good everyone got their references in.”

Mark smiled and huffed a laugh.

“I think we may have rather given folk the impression they were on a deadline.”

“Well it's better to get it done isn't it?” argued Seb.

“Course it is. Right, we're done. Pass me that diary and I'll stick it in.”

Seb did as requested and Mark jotted down the details so they could check it in the unlikely event they forgot. That done he fitted the diary and laptop away.

“All done.”

  


They walked back into the kitchen and as Seb made them fresh drinks he looked to Mark.

“Liebling seeing as we're going to the doctors' do you think you ought to get checked while you're there?”

Mark shook his head.

“It's just a form to say we've nothing dodgy on record. They don't need to do a check-up.”

“No but after the accident I mean.”

Mark gave him a look.

“Darling the track doctor looked me over repeatedly and said I was fine, pretty much anyway. What's a GP going to say?”

Seb shrugged.

“I dunno. Just check you're okay.”

Mark shook his head.

“They just go: _'Ooh that looks nasty, how'd you manage that?'_ then I'd explain and they'd say _'rest and it'll heal,'_ which is what the other doc said and is what I'm doing already.”

“I suppose,” relented Seb.

“I'd just be wasting their time and ours, alright?”

“Okay.”

“Extra vitamin C, that'll help speed up healing,” informed Mark, already reaching for the bottle on the side to down a couple of pills. “See.”

“Fine, fine I'll shut up.”

Mark stepped in closer, not wanting Seb to feel unappreciated.

“Ah now darling it's nice you care, but now we're home it's all good. If I can get through being strapped into the car by those sadists at the team all weekend then I can cope with sitting around with you at home.”

“And the rest,” added Sebastian, a smile returning to his face.

“Yeah that too. Not struggling this morning was I?”

“Definitely not.”

“No complaints then?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Never.”

“Well there we are then.”

 

Mark glanced out of the window to see the weather had cleared up.

“Nice evening. Why don't we go for a relaxing stroll with the dogs after dinner, see what sunset looks like from the top of the hill tonight?”

“That sounds lovely Liebling.”

“Good.”

  


  


  


The next morning they stood in the reception area of the local village surgery, Mark explaining to the receptionist what his form was without actually going into the detail as to why he needed his general health signing off on.

“Right well leave it with me and I'll pass it on,” accepted the woman as she took the A4 envelope from him and stuck a post-it note on marking it for his doctor's attention.

“Um I don't suppose you know when they might be able to do it?” enquired Mark.

“Mm not really. Depends when they get a moment. If you leave your number I can give you a ring when it's ready.”

“Okay thanks. Do you think maybe by the end of the week?”

“Unless anything major crops up I should think so love. Are you in a hurry?”

“A bit,” admitted Mark. “Sorry, I'm sure you're busy.”

“Well I'll see what we can do. Are you alright to pop down and pick it up?”

“Sure. Oh and while we're here, is it possible for Seb to register here?”

The receptionist looked on her computer to double-check that they were currently taking on new patients, then dug out a pack of forms for him to fill in.

“Can I do it now?” asked Seb. “I've got ID and stuff.”

“If you like,” agreed the woman, handing over the paperwork with a biro.

“Thanks.”

 

The two of them went to sit in the waiting area, surrounded by coughing old folk waiting for appointments and a woman with a toddler of about eighteen months who was doing his best to destroy the little play table in the corner by banging the wooden bricks into it, seeming to take great delight in the loud noise and ignoring his poor mother who kept trying to persuade him to play nicely with them by demonstrating how to make a tower instead.

Sebastian crouched low by one of the coffee tables, filling in the forms then passing each to Mark to double-check.

“All looks good to me,” Mark assured.

“Thanks.”

Sebastian sat up on the seat and tidied up the paperwork ready to hand in and checked he had all the ID they required. Just at that point the woman lost patience with her child and took the bricks from him, resulting the toddler beginning to howl in protest. The mother sighed and scooped him up to go sit on the chairs opposite. Mark sent Seb a small smile.

“Ready?”

“Yep.”

As they walked back over to the desk the little boy could be heard fussing and squalling while his mother struggled to get him to sit still on her knee.

“Not putting you off?” whispered Mark.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“He's only tiny. He might not be feeling very well if he's here.”

“Ah that's true,” agreed Mark thinking that as ever Sebastian tried to empathise and find the positive in people. “Guess we should cut the little fella some slack.”

 

The woman on the desk looked up at them.

“All done?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian handed over the paperwork.

“I need to photocopy your ID dear.”

“Oh right. Here you go.”

The receptionist took everything and stepped away to the copier at the back to get what she needed, then put all the papers into a file.

“There we go. So we'll be in touch once that's processed,” she explained.

Sebastian nodded, then glanced to Mark before looking back to her.

“So um, the thing is I've got the same form as Mark that needs signing off on by a doctor.”

The woman looked at him then shook her head.

“Ah I'm afraid that's not possible until you are a registered patient here.”

“Right, but when I am?”

“Then certainly we can see to that.”

Seb nodded.

“Okay thanks, um so how long is that likely to be?”

The woman shrugged.

“Ooh I wouldn't like to say. They need to transfer all your details from wherever you were previously before we can set you up here.”

“So no kind of ball-park idea?” pushed Sebastian.

“Well, I think four to six weeks is about average, can be longer.”

“Can be longer?”

“Two months maybe.”

 

Sebastian stared at her. He had been expecting her to say a week or so. _Two months?_ Two months was an age. Part of him wanted to sigh and show his disappointment, but Seb knew that would do no good and this woman was only doing her job. He really should have got around to doing this sooner.

“Right. Okay then, so you'll let me know?”

“We will,” she confirmed, then looked to Mark, “and we'll be in touch about your form as well.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes, thank you,” added Sebastian.

 

The woman gave them a nod and they turned to leave. As they walked out of the surgery the front door shut behind them, abruptly shutting off the noise of the toddler beginning to cry even louder. The moment they got into the fresh air Sebastian's shoulders sagged and he turned to Mark.

“Two months?” Seb sighed. “How can it possibly take two months to transfer my details?”

Mark shrugged as they continued walking to their car.

“I dunno darling. I guess they need hard copies sending.”

“Even so.”

Mark shook his head.

“Sorry.”

Sebastian sighed again.

“You'd have thought in this day and age they could email it.”

“Yeah.”

“Urgh. God that's frustrating.”

Seb puffed out a breath and looked to Mark.

“Sorry. I'm just annoyed.”

“Yeah, sorry sweetheart.”

“Not your fault. Guess it's just how things are. I just can't believe I can't get my form signed off for so long.” He puffed another breath and shook his head. “It's my fault for not doing this sooner.”

“You weren't to know it would take so long.”

“Hmm, I guess.”

 

They climbed back into their car, Sebastian doing his best to reconcile himself to being patient, even in the moment thinking how ironic it was that he had to be patient about being becoming a patient. He was about to start the car when Mark turned to him.

“Does it have to be a GP sign it?” he wondered.

Sebastian looked at him and paused.

“The form?”

“Yeah. Isn't it just a doctor testifying to your general good health?”

“I dunno.”

“I was just thinking Doc Phillips, couldn't he sign it? He knows your medical record and he is officially your doctor even if he isn't a GP.”

“Oh, um yeah I guess. I suppose I could email Rachel and check.”

“Just an idea.”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“Thank you Liebling, it's a good idea.”

“I guess you might need to tell him why you need it signing. I reckon the form rather gives it away when you read it in detail so my doc'll know, but they'll understand they can't break confidentiality.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Not so keen to trust the receptionist to think the same?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“Doctor's receptionists do rather have a reputation for gossip. Probably unfair, but anyway, didn't want to shout it in there.”

“Yeah.” Seb nodded slowly thinking about the option Mark had suggested. “Yeah I guess I know I can trust Doc Phillips to keep things in confidence.”

Mark nodded, knowing what Sebastian would be thinking of. They rarely thought about it, but the truth was the RedBull team doctor was one of the very few who knew something approaching the truth about Seb's background and all he had been through.

“I'm sure you can.”

“Mm, okay. Yeah thanks Liebling that would speed things up, I'll email Rachel when we get in.”

“Still worth being signed up with a GP,” offered Mark. “Can't hurt anyway.”

“Sure. It's fine. Sorry for moaning.”

“Nah, no worries mate. Home then?”

“Yep. Thank you for thinking of another possibility.”

Sebastian leaned over and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek before starting the engine up. At least this way he was taking action rather than sitting around waiting. That always felt better.

  


 

  


On the Friday Sebastian went into the factory and once the general race preparation meeting had been gone through with the team, he hung around to speak to his boss while the rest cleared out of the meeting room to get a break. He looked over his shoulder to be sure the area was clear, then stepped in to where Christian was tidying away his notes and laptop.

“Um, Christian.”

Christian looked up.

“Hm?”

“I was wondering if I could just run something past you?”

Christian stood up straight and gave him an open smile.

“Sure.”

Sebastian glanced around once more, then moved in a little closer so he could speak quietly.

“Yeah so I wanted to say thank you for sending your reference in so quickly.”

“Oh right. No problem. Glad to help.”

“Well we appreciate it.”

 

Christian gave him a little nod and Sebastian pressed on to ask what he needed to.

“We're trying to keep on getting at least all the paperwork we can sorted out while we're home.”

“Uh huh.”

“Yeah so another thing we need is a medical form signed off by a doctor just to say we're reasonably fit and healthy.”

Christian nodded again, not entirely sure why Seb was mentioning this detail.

“The thing is,” continued Seb. “I never really got around to signing up with a local GP when I moved over here. I know I should have, but I just didn't. I mean I had hospital doctors and the team doctor, so I guess I overlooked it. Anyway, what I wanted to ask was whether you would be okay with me asking Doc Phillips if he would sign my form for me. I mean he knows about my health and he is my doctor, so I checked with our case worker and she said it's fine, so, umm, yeah I just wanted to run it by you seeing as it's a personal matter.”

“Oh I see. Well sure, it's fine by me as long as it's alright with him.”

“Yeah, I mean I'd ask if he's okay with it.”

Christian gave him a smile.

“I'm sure he will be Seb, but just as a courtesy.”

“Sure.”

“Then just ask him. He can certainly testify to your good health can't he? I imagine he has much better knowledge of your medical record than a GP you'd hardly ever see.”

“Right, thanks. I just wanted to check.”

Christian nodded.

“I presume you're still keeping this matter private for now?” he checked.

“Yeah.”

“Well he's a doctor Seb, he understands about confidentiality.”

“Of course, yeah. Well I'll just see if I can get a word with him at some point.”  


  


After sitting with Britta running through all the increased publicity for the race at the RedBull Ring, instead of going for lunch Sebastian went to knock on Dr. Phillips office door, going through as the call came beckoning him in. The doctor looked up as Sebastian walked in.

“Ah, Seb, everything alright?”

Sebastian shut the door behind him and took a seat opposite him at the doctor's desk, setting his bag down by his side.

“Um, yeah good.”

The doctor looked at him more closely.

“You've not been suffering with any more headaches or anything else with how busy you've been lately?”

“No I'm fine. Sorry I just wanted to ask a favour.”

“Oh?”

Seb paused, then reached down to delve into his bag, pulling out the brown envelope with the paperwork he needed signing.

“Yeah, um it's a private matter. So I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to ask if you'd be willing to sign off on a form to confirm my general good health.”

“A form?” frowned Dr. Phillips.

“Yeah. It's umm...” Seb couldn't stop himself glancing back at the door despite knowing it was shut. “It's a personal thing, so... well I'd really appreciate it if you could keep it confidential.”

“Of course things are confidential Seb. I'm a doctor.”

Sebastian thought he could argue that he was RedBull's doctor and as a driver his health information was more generally considered a team matter, but this was a rather different.

“Yeah thanks, as I say it's a private matter, nothing to do with racing, but I'd really appreciate it. I just need a signature.”

“A signature for what?”

“Just to say I'm generally healthy. I really am fine now you know. I've not had even a headache in six months.”

  


Dr. Phillips was about to correct him and say that according to his records it was five months, but he was more interested to know what Sebastian was actually asking for.

“Seb, that's fine, but I need to know what you're asking me to sign.”

“Right, umm, yeah...” Seb took in a breath, building himself up before braving telling him. “We're trying to adopt, Mark and I that is, and part of the process means we have to have a medical sign-off to say we're healthy enough to take care of a child.”

Dr. Phillips mouth opened as he stared at him, then he closed it again before puffing out a surprised breath.

“Well... My goodness.”

“So that's um, why I'm asking about keeping it confidential,” reiterated Seb. “We really don't want people to know while we're in the process.”

“Of course, yes of course I understand.”

“That's really why I've come to you, because I can trust you can't I?”

“Of course you can Seb.” Dr. Phillips sat forward a little as he looked at him. “I hope you know I would never share anything of a personal nature, not with anyone, team or outside.”

“Okay, sorry, I do know that. Thank you.”

“That's alright. I understand why you would be concerned.”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“It's just you know what gossip is like in F1 and the media...”

 

Dr. Phillips nodded. He knew Sebastian had been through too much of that and that his anxieties on the front were sadly well-founded. He thought back and considered how he had seen Sebastian at his lowest; disorientated and distressed in the aftermath of his accident at the hospital in Monza. He was fairly sure Seb had no memory of that though. He had been the one brought to examine Sebastian when he had left his abuser and gone to Mark's in the first place as well, but they had never spoken of that since. Dr Phillips guessed that perhaps Sebastian chose not to think of that. He couldn't blame him.

“Seb listen, I understand, okay? You can trust me. You don't need to have any doubts on that score.”

“Thank you. So you'll sign the form?”

“Can I have a look at it?” requested the doctor, taking the envelope and removing the contents to read through the forms.

Sebastian sat quietly watching him read, hoping that the doctor wasn't about to come up with any objections based on the effects he had suffered from his accident. He wanted to repeat his assurances about how well he was doing now, but perhaps it was best to say nothing. Eventually the doctor nodded, then without saying a word, he picked up his pen, set the document on his desk and filled in his details before signing and dating it, then offering it back over to Seb.

 

“There we go then.”

“You don't need to ask me anything?” checked Seb, almost surprised it had been that straight-forward.

“Is there anything I need to know?”

“No.”

“Well then. Seb it's my job to closely monitor your health. I know you are extremely fit and healthy. You have made a good recovery from your accident and if you tell me that you are no longer suffering from the lingering consequences then that's all I need to know.”

“Right. Thank you. Really I doc I appreciate it.”

“Okay, no problem.”

Sebastian fitted the form back in the envelope, unable to stop himself just checking the signature before he did so, then he put it away in his bag, relieved at how easy that had been in the end.

“It means a lot,” Seb offered.

Dr Phillips was about to say a signature wasn't much, but he guessed that wasn't what Seb meant.

“I wish you luck. If there's anything I can do then let me know.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian stood up and hitched his bag onto his shoulder then offered out a hand which the doctor shook with a nod.

 

As soon as Sebastian left the office he pulled out his phone and sent a message as he walked along.

SEB: He signed it :)

 

Back home Mark smiled as he read his phone, immediately understanding what Sebastian was referring to.

MARK: Good stuff. Knew he would. You can relax now

 

Sebastian huffed a little laugh to himself, thinking how well Mark knew him.

SEB: Yeah, I do feel relieved. He promised not to tell anyone.

MARK: Course he did. No worries then yeah?

SEB: Yeah. Gonna grab some lunch then I'm with the engineers, then the sim, then torture with Antti.

MARK: Busy busy then. See you later sweetheart. Think I'll go for a ride out.

SEB: I'm jealous.

MARK: We can go for a ride together tomorrow

SEB: Yeah ok. Thanks Liebling. Love you.

MARK: Love you too. Onwards & upwards ;)

  


  


Mark got no reply and guessed that Seb had fitted his phone away to get on with things. That was fine. He should get on with things too and make the most of that lovely sunshine outside. Mark left his washing up from lunch to dry, glad that he to could relax now Seb was sorted. He gave the dogs who were hanging around by him a quick rub, then opened up the back door. Shadow and Simba looked up at him and Mark gave them a shake of his head.

“Just have a run around while I change. We'll take you for a nice walk when Seb gets home, yeah?”

The dogs still looked at him so Mark stepped outside to find the chewed tennis ball and chucked it across the lawn before heading inside while the dogs raced off. Five minutes later he came back down changed into his cycling gear to find the pair of them sat with the ball on the floor by the back door, looking up at him plaintively.

“Oh sorry boys. Not playing the game was I? My bad.”

He ducked down and gave them a stroke, then stood outside throwing the ball for them for five minutes before ushering them indoors and giving them fresh water.

“Okay I'll be an hour or so. You just take care of the house and we'll make a fuss of you later.”

  


  


A couple of hours later Mark sat with Sebastian on the bench at the top of the hill, occasionally throwing a stick for the dogs as they shared how their day had gone. Sebastian took the stick from Simba and lobbed it into the distance.

“I guess we just have to see what Rachel says on Monday.”

“Sure. She should be pleased with us I reckon.”

Mark had picked up his signed form from the doctor's the day before, so they both felt as though they had achieved what they needed to this week.

“Mm.”

Mark looked more to Seb.

“Not worrying about it are you?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I dunno. I just wonder what comes next.”

“Well she'll tell us won't she? No point fretting about that until we hear what she has to say.”

“Yeah alright.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“Tell you what sweetheart why don't we go over that leaflet she gave us with tips on how to child-proof the house? Then we can nip to the DIY store and start fitting safety locks and stuff.”

“Yeah okay. I think we need to get someone in to fit gates on the house and proper locks to the extension though.”

“Well we can look someone up to do that and ring the pool people about putting a roll-away cover on it,” suggested Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah, okay well let's do that tomorrow morning.”

“Sure. There we go then.”

 

Mark leaned in and kissed Sebastian on the cheek getting a smile in reply. It was always better to do something practical in his opinion. He pulled Seb in where he had his arm around him and Seb let out a long sigh.

“What?”

“I'm just glad to be home for a bit that's all.”

“Ah. Me too, look at that view eh?”

The pair of them gazed out at the English countryside in summer spread out before them in the slowly fading light of early evening.

“It's beautiful,” sighed Seb.

“Yeah, so are you.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh at the praise, but he leaned his head down on Mark's shoulder and reached around to hold onto him, placing his hand on Mark's chest thinking how glad he was that the bruising there was finally starting to heal.

“Mein Fels.”

Mark turned his head into Seb's and left it resting there until the dogs raced back over with their retrieved stick once more.

“Well done boys,” he praised.

Sebastian lifted his head and reached out to give the dogs a stroke.

“Shall we go home, sort dinner?” Seb proposed.

“Yep, good plan.”

They stood and Mark pointed to the footpath where the dogs reluctantly trotted to while he and Sebastian walked more slowly behind them, hanging onto one another as they walked along just as much as they had whilst sat on the bench.

  


  


 

  


Their meeting on Monday afternoon started well, partly because only Rachel was seeing them this time, which both Seb and Mark appreciated having not taken to the other social worker. She spent the first part of their time together praising them for doing so well at getting all their references completed as well as returning the medical forms and financial documents which she looked over before adding to their growing file.

“I have to be honest I don't think we're really used to people being quite so organised,” she admitted with a warm smile.

“Oh well, I guess we have to be in our jobs,” offered Sebastian. “And with travelling you know? We just have to do everything we can while we're home.”

Rachel nodded.

“Well it's good. I'm usually chasing things for months.”

Seb caught Mark's eye, wanting to say they would never be so lax about something they cared so much about, but he said nothing, knowing he'd nearly made that mistake his medical form.

“Anyway,” continued Rachel, “with that all added to your file we can move on.”

“We spent the weekend doing the things you asked us to round the house,” picked up Sebastian. “I mean not all of it, but we've got some work booked, so we're nearly there.”

Mark smiled, thinking of how they had spent half their weekend knelt on the kitchen floor attempting to put the fiddliest of child-locks on every door below five foot in height, Seb holding the bits in place while Mark tried to screw them in, each of them thinking they might lose a finger in the process.

“Yeah though of course that means we can't get into anything ourselves now,” added Mark. “We've ended up putting everything we actually need into the top cupboards.”

 

Rachel smiled at him, thinking how keen they were.

“That's great, though we've still got a few things to work through before we'd schedule another house visit.”

“Oh?”

“Though it's very good that you are working on that obviously.”

Mark looked at her, guessing that she was trying to get to something else.

“Okay so what is it we need to do?” he asked.

 

Rachel paused, suspecting they weren't about to like what she needed to mention.

“Yeah, um, so we also received the report back from your former psychiatrist Seb.”

Sebastian felt his insides freeze at that, even though he was fairly secure in his belief that Henry would have written only positive things about him, the mere mention of psychiatry unnerved him.

“And whilst I can't reveal precisely what was contained within it, I can tell you that he didn't flag up any concerns,” revealed Rachel.

Mark gave Seb an encouragingly smile, then looked back to their case worker.

“Course he didn't. We told you that was all in the past.”

“Mm, yes though I mention it because I want you to understand that this is unrelated to that.”

“Sorry, what is unrelated?” asked Mark.

“Well I think I mentioned some way back that you would need to undergo a psychological screening.”

“Oh I see.”

Mark glanced to Seb, noticing how quiet he had gone.

“It is standard for all applicants,” explained Rachel.

“Right.”

“I just wanted to make clear that it was unconnected.”

“I see.”

 

Sebastian heard the words, but somehow he couldn't help feeling as though it _was_ connected. It wasn't that he thought she was lying. Perhaps he was being illogical, but it felt as though it was all coming down to him being the problem.

“It's not something I want you to feel anxious about,” continued Rachel.

Seb wanted to huff an ironic laugh. Not feel anxious about their future hanging on a psychological analysis of him?

“They will just want to have a chat with you, find out a bit more about you and what makes you tick,” she offered, doing her best to make it sound unthreatening.

Mark nodded.

“We're really very ordinary,” he insisted.

“I'm sure. As I say it's just a standard procedure, just to get a little insight into your background and your motivations in wanting to adopt.”

Mark frowned.

“Well our motivation is that we want to have a family. It's not sinister.”

“Of course not. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. We just need to go through this step, okay?”

“Sure,” allowed Mark.  


Seb still wasn't saying anything. In his head the words _'insight into your background'_ were whirling in his head, causing his heart to beat faster as his anxiety levels shot up.

“Seb?” pressed Rachel.

Sebastian looked at her and nodded, trying to look calm.

“Sure.”

“Good. Okay, so perhaps we could look at scheduling that? I'm betting you've brought your diary.”

She smiled over at them and Mark did his best to return the smile, though he could tell Seb wasn't happy. He gave her a nod and dug out the diary to flick through to when they were free between the Austrian and British grand prix.

“So um, I think we could do the start of the first week of July or pretty much any time the following week after the Tuesday, right sweetheart?”

  


Sebastian nodded and Mark tried to surreptitiously look in his eyes to be sure he was okay. He didn't want to draw attention to it though, so Mark smiled back at Rachel.

“Either of those work?” he asked.

“Can you give me the dates?” requested Rachel.

Mark read out the exact dates as Rachel jotted them down.

“I'll pass them on and get back to you.”

“So um, where would this be?” asked Mark.

“Oh here. Not in this office, but a room here.”

“Okay, so we'd just come here and they'd direct us?”

“You come to the same place as usual. I'll say hello and introduce you.”

“Right, okay.”

“It shouldn't take more than an hour each.”

“Each?”

“Yes. Sorry I should have made it clear, they are individual sessions. Though of course it might be easiest to schedule them one after another.”

“So we're on our own?” let out Sebastian.

“Yes. It's just how it's done. It has to be per applicant.”

  


Seb nodded, but inside he was panicking. The one thing that had made all this easier was that Mark was always by his side, but now they were to be separated and he would have to face a stranger prying into his past when he was all alone. What would they ask? What would they already know? Surely as much as they could? Oh god. He felt sick. Sebastian could feel heat prickling his skin and he was desperate to get out of here, but if he ran away then she would know he was unfit to adopt, so Sebastian nodded and tried to look normal.

 

By his side, Mark knew Seb had to be worrying at that news. Perhaps they should have assumed it was individual interviews, but he had pictured a joint session where they talked things through, not this.

“Okay so you'll get back to us?” replied Mark, hoping to round things up.

“As soon as I can. You said you're away again later in the week?”

“Yes, but I can keep an eye on our email.”

“Right, well when they get back to me, I'll get back to you.”

“Sure.”

“Okay well that's our next step. Once that box is ticked we can move on, perhaps see if you want to show us the adjustments you've made to your home once they're done,” proposed Rachel.

“Yeah.”

“Alright, well in the meantime thank you for everything you've done so far. You really are making excellent progress and I just wanted to let you know that your dedication to all this is noted.”

Mark nodded and reached over to take Seb's hand to give it a squeeze.

“We are dedicated aren't we sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian with a matching nod. He squeezed Mark's hand back, glad for the contact.

“I'm sure you are,” confirmed Rachel. “Like I say, don't worry about the screening, I'm sure you'll be fine. Just be yourselves.”

Mark felt how tightly Seb was holding onto his hand now and knew that was what worried him.

“Thanks. Okay. So is there anything else for now?”

Rachel shook her head.

“No, that's it. Thank you for coming in.”

She stood and Mark copied her, Seb getting to his feet as well. Mark offered out his hand and Seb reluctantly let go of Mark to do the same, shaking her hand and finding a smile to give her as they left.

  


As soon as they exited Rachel's office and the door shut behind them Mark looked to Seb.

“Are you okay?”

Sebastian gave a tight shake of his head.

“Can we just go please?”

“Sure.”

Mark put his arm around him and they made their way to the lift, leaving the building as quickly as they could. Once outside Mark went to stop, but Seb kept on walking determinedly across the car-park.

“Seb?”

Sebastian said nothing, he merely shook his head once more and continued walking until they reached the car. As they got to it Mark stood in front of him, worrying that Seb wasn't saying anything when he was clearly upset.

“Sweetheart.”

“I need to go home. Please can we just go home?” appealed Sebastian.

Mark sighed, but Sebastian clearly didn't want to talk here.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark would have given him a hug, but Seb moved away and climbed into the car passenger seat. Mark went around to the other side and did the same, looking over to him as he shut the door.

“Sweetheart it'll be okay.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and took slow breaths, not hearing anything Mark said until he put a hand on his arm.

“ _Seb_.”

Seb took a deep breath, but rather than answer he let his head tip forwards. Mark reached over and rubbed Sebastian's arm.

“Come on, don't panic. I know it's scary, but it'll be okay.”

Sebastian forced his eyes open to look at Mark.

“Mark they're going to pry into our background. What am I going to say?”

Mark sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

“Darling I don't know. Surely they'll be focussing on why we want to adopt?”

“My _past_ Mark, they're going to ask about that.”

“Sweetheart you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“If I refuse how will that look?”

Mark opened then closed his mouth again.

“They're going to know all the stuff that's been in the papers,” continued Sebastian.

“Well they don't know any of that is true,” countered Mark.

“But it is though, a lot of it anyway.”

Mark rubbed a hand over his jaw, trying to think what to say.

Sebastian's insides were churning. He took another deep breath.

“Please can we just go?” he requested.

 

Mark nodded, hoping Seb might calm down during the drive and they could have a proper discussion at home. He started the engine and as soon as he did, Seb pressed the button to open his window, letting in fresh air as Mark pulled out of the parking spot and began driving home. Sebastian sat silently beside him. Mark wanted to say something, but he couldn't think of anything other than a blind promise that it would all be okay, and he knew that wasn't helping Seb's legitimate concerns.

They only got a few miles down the road when Mark noticed Sebastian's eyes had shut and his head gone forwards again. He took his left hand off the wheel and put it to rest on Seb's thigh, hoping that the contact would at least offer some comfort. They were heading down the A-roads, Mark doing a decent speed to get them home as fast as he could, but then as he came to where they pulled off onto the lanes, getting closer to the countryside around their home, Mark had to let go of him and concentrate on driving, so he missed Seb lifting his head and opening his eyes until he spoke.

“I feel sick.”

Mark turned to him and saw how pale Seb had gone. He slowed the car and stopped by a grass verge, about to say something when Seb took another deep breath, then reached for the door handle and quickly climbed out. Mark did the same and went around to find Sebastian already sat on the grass. Mark paused for second, only relieved that Sebastian wasn't actually throwing up, but he knew Seb wasn't okay. He didn't say anything, instead Mark simply sat with him and put his arm around Sebastian. Seb was taking shorter breaths and he still didn't look a good colour as he stared at the ground. All Mark could do was give his back a gentle rub.

“Are you okay?”

Seb gave a tight shake of his head and Mark sighed.

“Oh sweetheart it's alright.”

Sebastian stared at the grass where they sat and tried to calm himself, taking what reassurance he could from Mark being with him and the fact that they were outside in the fresh air. Seb worked at slowing his breath and stopping himself from spiralling out of control. He closed his eyes for a moment and focussed on the comforting sensation of Mark's hand stroking over his back, letting it soothe him enough to look up. Mark was looking at him with concern.

“It'll be okay,” reassured Mark.

Seb knew Mark was trying to help, but all his fears tumbling inside him.

“It's not. It's all going to go wrong now. If they ask me stuff, about... about what happened in my past I won't handle it. I'll fall apart and then they'll say I'm a mess like I used to be and then they'll never let us adopt and it'll all be my fault and everything will be ruined.”

“No darling, no.”

“It will.”

Sebastian's face crumpled.

“I don't want my past to destroy our future.”

He took a sharp breath, trying not to cry and Mark pulled him into his arms.

“It won't.”

“It might though, everything we've done, all for nothing.”

 

Sebastian buried his face in Mark's chest and Mark held Seb in, trying to think what to say when he knew his fears weren't entirely unfounded.

“No. We won't let that happen,” he insisted as firmly as possible.

Seb shook his head against him, tears leaking out now.

“Why does it always have to be so hard?”

Mark sighed and rested his head down into Seb's.

“I don't know darling. It isn't fair.”

Sebastian sniffled into him, no longer holding back, just taking comfort from the fact Mark was holding on to him.

“Don't we ever get to leave it behind?” appealed Sebastian, his voice muffled.

Mark moved his head trying to see him.

“Hm?”

Sebastian lifted up to look at Mark, his blue eyes damp and unhappy.

“The past. I thought it was behind us, but it's like a shadow I can't shake off.”

 

Mark sighed and reached a hand to brush away the tears on Seb's face.

“We will darling.”

“How?”

“By moving on. That's what we're doing.”

“But if they ask me about it?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“I don't know, maybe we could go through it? We think of all the things that they could ask that you're worried about and we work out some answers you can give, like you would with Britta for the media.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Rehearse the answers?”

Mark shrugged.

“Well not precisely, but if you think of it like a media interview wouldn't that be a bit better? At least then you know you can handle it.”

Sebastian pouted.

“I don't know. It's not quite like that though.”

“No I know, but just to help.”

“We don't know what they're going to ask.”

“I know, but if we deal with the stuff that worries you most, then you won't feel blind-sided by them and if that stuff doesn't come up then you're all good, right?”

Seb took a deep breath and let it out shakily.

“Okay.”

 

Mark gave him a reassuring smile and rubbed his arm.

“Alright. We can just go through all the things we can think of that we feel a bit dodgy on and help each other come up with answers so we at least have something to hang on to.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Are you worried too?”

Mark shrugged.

“I've never really spoken to a psychiatrist before, not about me anyway. At least you have that advantage.”

“Henry's not the same.”

“Yeah but once apon a time he was a stranger asking you questions wasn't he?”

“I guess, but I knew he wasn't going to tell anyone what I told him.”

“Mm, well fair enough, but at least the setting, the way they encourage you to open up. That's familiar.”

Seb puffed out a breath.

“I suppose.”

“And we're both used to doing interviews. We can handle questions. We just need a framework to make sure we know how to get through it.”

 

Seb nodded and rubbed over his face, trying to pull himself together.

“Okay.”

“Alright then.”

Mark put his hand on Seb's cheek and gave it a stroke with his thumb.

“You're going to be alright. No panicking okay?”

Seb nodded again and Mark gave him a kiss.

“Good. We're going to work this out and it'll all be fine. You my darling are a past master at this stuff. You just treat it like the pen after a really shitty race when the press are asking you stuff you don't want to answer. You have a game-plan and you smile through it, say only what you need to and before you know it, the whole thing's over and you can go home, yeah?”

 

Sebastian took in the deepest breath and let it out slowly feeling himself calmed.

“Yeah okay. I'm sorry I freaked out.”

“No darling that's okay.”

“I just wish you were going to be with me.”

“Yeah me too, but we'll get through it. It's not going to be for a while anyway, could be a couple of weeks off.”

“Mm.”

“Either way we've got plenty of time to prepare for it.”

Sebastian took another slow breath, making sure he felt properly settled inside. He was still dreading it, but at least Mark was giving him a way through. Mark looked him in the eye to be sure he was okay.

“You are _not_ going to fall apart, okay?” Mark assured.

“Okay.”

“You handle the world's press every other weekend trying to pry into your life. You can handle some sticky-beak in a council office.”

“I guess.”

“We'll just smile through it and turn on the charm.”

A weak smile appeared on Sebastian's face.

“Charm?”

“Yeah, you're very charming sweetheart.”

Seb scrunched his nose and Mark smiled.

“See, that's charming.”

Sebastian's smile grew a little.

“You'll charm them,” Seb countered. “You always do. I bet you had those board members eating out of your hand on Monday.”

Mark smiled and shrugged one shoulder.

“You just tell them what they want to hear, make them feel like they have your undivided attention and give them the impression that you're confiding in them, make them feel special.”

“And you think we can do that with a psychiatrist?”

“Psychiatrists are people too,” argued Mark.

“Hmm, they're also trained to read people. I'm not sure we can pull any tricks on them.”

“Not tricks, just things to help. Things to help us feel better going in there. If we're not so worried, we're bound to make a better impression.”

“I am going to be worried though,” admitted Seb.

“Well... _less_ worried,” Mark tried. “Worth a go isn't it?”

“Yeah okay. Thank you Liebling.”  


Sebastian leaned over to give Mark a hug, feeling improved by the hug he received in return. Mark hung onto him for a good minute, then when he let go and they sat apart slightly he reached over and gave Seb's arm a rub.

“Alright?” he checked.

Sebastian nodded.

“What say we go home and find a nice way to make the most of this sunshine, hm?” Mark proposed.

“Yeah okay, thank you Liebling.”

“No problem. We'll work through this, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark gave Sebastian a hand to help him stand, then they climbed back into the car to resume their journey home, Mark only hopeful that what he had suggested would actually work. If Seb really did have a meltdown in the psychological screening he didn't know where they would go from there. All they could do was try to prepare and hope for the best and in the meantime they had yet another race weekend to deal with. If nothing else it offered a distraction from their worries and just now they needed all the distractions they could get.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have literally no idea how I write some of this stuff. Honestly I read it back and I think - did I really write that? But I guess I do, my secret hobby: writing racing and sex and much hugs with my favourite boys. What a strange brain I must have. Good job no one I know in day to day life knows I do this.
> 
> We'll just keep it between us, yeah?
> 
> ;)


	142. Tomorrow Can Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weird, I posted this chapter but it didn't show up. Hey ho, try again. Sorry it's late.

* * *

  


  


Once home they decided to simply sit in the garden for a while as the dogs ran around getting some exercise. Mark hadn't pushed to do anything more active, knowing that when Seb got over-upset he usually just needed peace and a rest to feel better. They sat in the garden chairs, changed into shorts and t-shirts for the summer heat. Mark's hand lay in Seb's as Sebastian sat with his head tipped back, eyes closed against the light, even beneath his sunglasses, just feeling better to absorb both the contact and the warmth of the sun. Eventually Seb took a deep breath and brought his head back up to look at Mark.

“I nearly fell asleep then,” he admitted.

Mark gave him a smile.

“Doesn't matter. How're you feeling?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“Okay.”

Mark nodded. He didn't want to bring up the meeting again unless Seb did, so he changed the subject to try to pick up the mood.

“You know it's your birthday this weekend and we haven't talked about what you'd like to do.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“They're throwing an F1 race to celebrate.”

Mark smiled.

“Very good of them.”

“I'm actually racing on my birthday for once,” noted Seb.

“So you are. Well apart from that, did you fancy doing something? The week after is a bit hectic.”

“Everything's hectic.”

“Mm, well I guess we've got tomorrow or early next week.”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked at him, wondering if Seb was still worrying about the interview they were going to have to do.

“Maybe give us something nice to think about?” he pushed.

Sebastian nodded distractedly and Mark knew that meant he definitely was worrying.

“Look sweetheart we can't let it eat us up. We'll prepare for that interview thing and it'll be fine.”

“You think?”

“Yes darling it will, okay.”

“Okay.”

“And in the meantime you've got a race and a birthday, so let's focus on them.”

“Alright.”

“What would you like to do?”

“Hm?”

“For your birthday.”

“Oh. Umm. I don't know.”

“We could go for a meal? Have a nice dinner here? Anything you like. We could stay the Sunday night in Austria and do something that evening?”

Sebastian gave a slight shake of his head.

“I'd rather come home to be honest Liebling.”

“That's fine, leave it till the next day maybe?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Right, so Monday night then?”

“Yeah.” Seb looked at him, knowing he wasn't being very responsive when Mark was trying to do something nice for him. “That'd be nice Liebling. You're right. It'll be good to have something nice to focus on, no matter how the weekend goes.”

“So what do you fancy doing?”

 

Sebastian paused and looked at the dogs who were amusing themselves running about the lawn.

“Is it really boring if I said we could stay home?”

Mark shook his head.

“It's your birthday sweetheart, you can do what you like. I just want to make a fuss of you.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thank you. A meal at home would be nice. All I really need is you.”

Mark gave him a warm smile and reached over to kiss his cheek.

“Very reassuring darling. Alright, well there we go. I'll have to see what else I can think of to make you happy.”

Sebastian was about to repeat that he didn't need much, but he saw the tweaked eyebrow Mark gave him and wasn't about to reject the idea.

  


  


  


 

Seb knew he was going to be kept busy over the weekend seeing as it was RedBull's home race and the team need to maximise every bit of publicity they could while they were there to attempt to justify their investment in the circuit. These days Sebastian generally tried to avoid the non-essential stuff, but he understood that it was important he did his duty as a team-player over the next few days, smiling through every event and every media call. He was so busy that it helped to block out any worries induced by their last meeting with the adoption agency, but on the Thursday when Seb had his lunch break, Mark told him they'd had an email from Rachel asking them if they could finalise the date for their interviews. Mark had made sure to wait until they were up in Seb's room when they were alone before he mentioned it.

“So she said either Monday morning, Tuesday afternoon or the following Thursday,” he related from her message detailing when both the psychiatrist and their case-worker could fit them in.

Sebastian took a deep breath as he sat beside him and Mark wondered if he ought to have left it until the end of the day, but he thought it important to get back to Rachel before anything else came up to take her time.

“You okay?” he checked.

Seb nodded. He didn't really want to think about this, but that was as true any time and ignoring it wasn't going to make it go away.

“What d'you think then?” pressed Mark. “Any of them work? Do you want to get it over with or leave it a while, give us some time?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No I want it done. I don't want it hanging over us.”

“Okay, so?”

“Monday morning's too early though. I'll be knackered Liebling, you know I will after a race weekend.”

“Yeah course. Alright well Tuesday pm then?”

“Yeah I guess.”

Mark turned more to look at him.

“Sweetheart I know you don't want to do it. Neither do I much, but it's just something we've got to get through.”

“I know.”

“Yeah okay. Well Tuesday's not so bad. Gives us time to get our breath back at least.”

“Mm.”

Mark frowned.

“What?”

Seb shrugged.

“It's stupid.”

“What is?”

“No it's just, Monday, we're still having that as my birthday aren't we?”

“Course we are darling.” Mark looked at him. “Sweetheart it's fine. We won't let this affect it. Monday will be your birthday, for us anyway, and then we can deal with this on Tuesday.”

Seb squished his face and Mark reached to take his hand.

“It'll be fine, okay? We'll do like I said, prep for it like an interview.”

“When? It's just... I was looking forward to Monday,” Seb admitted, feeling selfish to be wanting that when Mark was being so good.

 

“We'll keep Monday separate,” promised Mark. “We won't let this spoil it. Monday's your birthday, your official birthday anyway, like the queen,” he gave Sebastian a little smile, “then Tuesday morning we'll get in gear and get ourselves all prepped and ready. Probably best anyway, then it'll be fresh in our heads.”

Sebastian nodded slowly.

“Yeah okay. Thank you Liebling.”

“Just best to put it out of our heads till then, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. So I'll reply to her?”

“Yeah thanks. Thank you for keeping an eye out for it too.”

“No problem.”

Sebastian nodded again, thinking it over.

“I think I just want to put it in a box till then,” he commented.

Mark gave him a little smile, knowing how good Seb could be a compartmentalising if he chose.

“Sure. You'll be fine anyway. You're doing great with all your interviews and stuff this weekend.”

“Mm.”

“You are.”

Seb smiled and shook his head.

“You're not even there to see.”

“I don't need to see. I know how good you are, so it's not an issue,” asserted Mark unshakeably.

 

“Okay, thanks. Drivers' Conf this afternoon.”

“Half an hour of smiling while everyone around you looks sullen and bored,” noted Mark.

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“Yeah Kimi's in it.”

Mark laughed and Seb shrugged.

“Shouldn't say that should I? Oh well. Yeah okay. I'll just say how awesome it is to be at the RedBull Ring for the hundredth time and see if I can get a sneaky mention of Le Mans in.”

Mark shook his head.

“You'll be giving Britta a twitch,” he teased.

Seb shrugged.

“It's my game for the weekend,” he explained.

“Upsetting the redoubtable Britta?” frowned Mark.

“No course not, she's used to me by now. No I meant with the media, just for fun.”

“That's fun for you?”

“Boasting that my husband just won Le Mans, _again_? Yes Liebling, that is fun for me.”

 

Mark shook his head, but he was glad to see Seb cheered up.

“And how does dear Helmut feel about you going so persistently off-topic?” enquired Mark innocently.

Seb grinned and shrugged.

“I haven't asked him.”

“You don't think it might wind him up a smidge?”

Sebastian blinked his eyelashes demurely.

“I can't help it if I'm proud of you.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“And how many times do think it will take before he snaps?”

Seb leaned back into his arms on the bed, smiling wickedly.

“That's the game Liebling.”

Mark laughed.

“Oh dear. I'm going to get the blame for this. I can just see it.”

  


An hour and a half later Sebastian sat in the front row of the driver press conference, his microphone in place and his water bottle rearranged in front of him as the group settled and the media quietened down ready for things to start. Eventually the compère introduced the group, then looked to Seb.

“Well first, Sebastian good to see you. How are you enjoying being at RedBull's home circuit?”

Sebastian smiled as if this was an original and interesting question he hadn't answered a hundred times in less than twenty-four hours.

“It's good to be back. This really is a great track. The facilities are second to none and it's nice to be in the clean mountain air, until we start running on track of course.”

The audience of media representatives laughed politely and Seb thought the were easily pleased seeing some of them must have heard that one from him already.

“I'm joking of course. It really is a lovely setting though and great for all the fans who camp, so I hope they're having fun and we'll put on a good show for them this weekend.”

“Speaking of good shows,” picked up the moderator. “You were at Le Mans recently. How was that? You must be feeling pretty proud of Mark right now.”

Sebastian's polite smile became a beam.

“I couldn't be prouder of my husband and the whole team of course. They really did an incredible job. I don't suppose most people have any idea how much work goes into a win like that. It's really very impressive.”

“Do you think F1 could learn from them?”

“I'm sure they could.”

 

Back in Sebastian's room Mark lay back on the bed, watching on TV. He shook his head, thinking he might want to avoid Dr. Marko for a while. He couldn't help smiling at Seb though. On TV Seb clearly decided he could only push things so far.

 

“Especially with all the fan engagement they do, but then I think we do a pretty good job of that here, so that's nice to see,” Seb offered, thinking he didn't actually want to see Helmut burst a blood vessel later on.

“Absolutely,” agreed the moderator. “And of course it's your birthday this weekend, so I imagine you'll be hoping to have some fun yourself?”

“Well I'm getting to drive in an F1 race, that's pretty fun.”

“No other plans though?”

“Not on Sunday, no. I think a race is enough to be going on with, don't you?”

“Of course, well, Kimi, how are you looking forward to the weekend?”

Kimi shrugged and barely moved his mouth as he mumbled a reply of sorts.

“Mm's'fine I spose, the race, mm's'goodofcourse I am happy to race.”

“Sorry what was that?” frowned the moderator.

Sebastian picked up his bottle of water and took a drink, masking the fact that he was trying not to laugh, all the while knowing that Mark would be cracking up watching this. Seb swore Kimi did that on purpose. Perhaps they all played their own games? Sometimes you just did what you had to in order to make life more bearable, even if it made no sense to anyone else.

  


  


Sebastian felt as though he spent half the weekend answering questions from journalists about what it would be like to race on his birthday, as if no one had ever had a birthday before. His mechanics threatened to make him wear a 'birthday boy' badge on his race-suit and Dan and Lewis teased him on the drivers' parade by saying they were going to get the whole lot to sing to him, though Seb pointed out if they managed to get Fernando and Kimi to do so then he would actually like to see it, which rather shut them up. Mark had given him his card that morning and Seb had spoken not only to his own family, but Mark's parents who had insisted on ringing to pass on their good wishes both for his birthday and the race, which Sebastian did think was rather sweet of them. In the end though he was actually rather grateful when the real business of racing got going and he could just concentrate on that.

  


It hadn't been a bad race in the end. Only fourth, but Seb could live with that, and when his engineer came on to say happy birthday yet again over the radio as he completed his cool-down lap at the end Sebastian wasn't ungracious enough not to say thank you. In the pen afterwards he kept his smile in place as reporter after reporter made the unoriginal point that really the best present would have been to have won the race. Sebastian merely joked back that if Lewis had wanted to give him a present he could have let him have his win, but seeing as that would have meant Nico and Valtteri also stepping aside he rather suspected that was asking too much. The reporters laughed politely and Seb moved on to make the same joke to the same questions over again. It didn't annoy him really. He could think of worse things people could say and whilst of course he would have liked a better result it had never really felt on the cards this weekend.

He was still glad to leave that evening though, to get comfortable with Mark on the plane with no one else around. Somehow the crew had found out it was Sebastian's birthday too and the steward insisted on bringing them a couple of glasses of champagne which they were too polite to refuse. Sebastian took a sip and then noticed Mark holding his glass up in a 'cheers' motion, so he lightly clinked against it with his own and smiled as Mark gave him a kiss.

“Happy birthday darling.”

“Thank you.”

“Worse ways to spend the day, right?”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah. I think I'm looking forward to tomorrow even more though Liebling.”

Mark smiled.

“Good. Me too.”

“Can we have a lie in?”

“Oh hell yeah.”

Sebastian laughed and snuggled in closer, resting his head on Mark's shoulder.

“Good,” he smiled. “That's the present I'm looking forward to most.”

“Is it? I won't bother with the actual ones then,” teased Mark.

Sebastian lifted his head to look at him.

“No, no I want them too.”

“Greedy.”

Seb grinned and took a quaff of his champagne before putting it down and kissing Mark properly for a little while.

“Mmm, you taste all champagney,” reported Seb.

Mark laughed and retrieved his glass to take another quick sip.

“So do you.”

He put his glass down and gave Seb another quick kiss.

“Very nice,” praised Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Guess I didn't get any earlier.”

“Ah well never mind. You got what you could sweetheart.”

“Yeah.”

“You're not too disappointed are you?”

Seb scrunched his face.

“No you're right. I did what I could. No way I was going to catch them after that last pit.”

“No. Well onwards and upwards.”

“Yeah.”

“You did good.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Thanks. It's okay. Get another go next weekend anyway don't I?”

“Course you do.”

“I just want to forget about racing for a few days.”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian moved back in to rest against Mark who held him in. Seb closed his eyes as he set his head down on Mark's shoulder again.

“You tired?” asked Mark.

“Mm.”

Seb didn't even open his eyes to answer, so Mark turned in to kiss his forehead.

“Have a nap darling, we've got a couple of hours.”

“Mmm.”

Mark felt Seb's body relax into him and within minutes he was fast asleep.

 

Mark didn't really sleep, though he thought he must have dozed a little during the two hour flight, but it was down to him to wake Seb enough to help him put his seatbelt back for their landing. After that Sebastian woke up enough to help sort themselves out and say goodbye as they disembarked and climbed into the car home that was part of the deal with the plane. He still seemed fairly dozy though. Mark wasn't really surprised. With the race just gone having been at the RedBull Ring the team demanded a lot of their drivers in terms of promotional work and it took its toll on top of everything else that went into a racing weekend. He had considered asking whether Sebastian might want his presents when they got in, but Mark could tell Seb was too tired to really appreciate them, so when they got back all they did was spend five minutes fussing over their neglected dogs before lugging their things upstairs and getting ready for bed.

They climbed in, each glad to be able to switch off all alarms for once. After that it took very little time for them both to fall asleep, their bodies seeming to instinctively know that they were home and where they were meant to be.

  


  


Sebastian woke earlier than Mark in the morning, but he had no urge whatsoever to get up. He lay with his head on the pillow, smiling to himself as he watched Mark sleeping, studying his face; the firm line of his jaw, the contours of his cheekbones highlighted by a sheen of light stubble, his long nose and the little dimple in the middle of his chin. Seb thought he was ridiculously handsome, even in repose like this. It was such a strong face, it suited Mark so well: lean and sculpted like his body. He really was perfect.

Seb couldn't resist moving his hand from where it lay casually resting on Mark's chest to raise it up, slowly stroking a finger lightly over the contours of Mark's face. His finger barely grazing the skin, just enough to feel it at the tip. Sebastian didn't think Mark would sense it in his sleep, but as Seb skimmed the pad of his finger gently down Mark's nose, a lazy smile spread over Mark's face and he slowly opened his eyes. Sebastian pulled his hand away and guiltily bit his lip, making Mark laugh, the sound low and gravelly.

“Sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

 

Mark shook his head slightly and turned more on his side, slipping a hand underneath Seb to pull him up close.

“Don't be.”

“I didn't mean to wake you.”

Mark took a deep breath, enjoying the feeling of Sebastian's body pressed against his.

“Just couldn't keep your hands off me?” teased Mark.

Sebastian's cheeks bunched and he let out a little laugh.

“Maybe,” he teased back.

Mark just smiled and smoothed his hand along Seb's side under the duvet before leaning in to kiss him. Seb relaxed into it, but as they pulled apart he let out a sigh.

“I'm still tired,” Sebastian confessed.

“That's okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Course, darling,” assured Mark. “We're just having a nice lie in, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Mark gave him another little kiss, then turned onto his back so Seb could lie into him, resting partially across his chest. Seb let out a happy little sigh and Mark stroked his arm and kissed his nose, receiving a smile in reply.

“Today counts as your birthday darling,” Mark insisted, “you get to do anything you like.”

“Do I?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian turned his head and kissed Mark's chest.

“This is nice.”

“Good. I think so too,” agreed Mark. “Nice little cuddle up in our bed at home, nowhere to go, nothing we need to do other than this. What could be better?”

Seb sighed again contentedly and rubbed his cheek into Mark's chest before letting his eyes close. He felt warm and comfortable and Seb didn't want to think about anything else but how good this felt; no work, no worries, nothing else but Mark. He drifted off, leaving Mark the one awake now, happy enough just to hold onto Seb like this.

 

It was gone eleven before Sebastian woke up again, still held in place by Mark.

“Hey sweetheart.”

Sebastian lifted his head from where it rested at the top of his chest to look at him and Mark smiled at how sleepy he still looked.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Mm.”

Seb shifted to settle on his side next to Mark, setting one arm on the pillow to lean into as he looked at him. With his other hand he rubbed over his face, then yawned, making Mark laugh.

“Still tired?”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“I just get so wiped out by race weekends these days. Guess I'm getting old.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Darling you've just turned twenty-nine.”

“Mm.”

Mark shook his head.

“We won't talk about how old I'm going to be next month,” he noted darkly.

“You're not old Liebling,” insisted Seb.

“Hmm.”

“You're not. You're perfect.”

“Perfect?”

Mark arched a dubious eyebrow.

“Yes,” insisted Seb firmly. “That's just what I was thinking earlier: You're perfect.”

Sebastian put his hand on Mark's cheek and gave him a kiss.

“Oh well, I'm not going to argue with you on your birthday,” allowed Mark.

“Second birthday day,” Seb adjusted.

“Yep. Birthday part two: The Return.”

 

Sebastian laughed and Mark smiled to see how happy he looked, all round cheeks and tousled blonde hair. He let go of him with one hand to card his fingers through Seb's hair to tidy it.

“Am I all scruffy?” asked Seb, his eyes twinkling with a tease.

“Nah, I just like any excuse darling,” explained Mark. “Now then. As it's your birthday you get to decide. What would you like to do next?”

“Hmm...”

“Anything you like. We can just stay like this. We can get up and have some breakfast.”

“Breakfast?”

Mark glanced at the bright sunshine streaming through the closed curtains.

“Hmm good point. Brunch then.”

“Hmm, maybe,” agreed Seb, knowing there was another offer Mark was waiting to make.

“Or...” teased Mark.

“Or?” Seb replied, raising an eyebrow.

Mark grinned.

“Or I might have some little presents waiting for you.”

Sebastian smiled and Mark flicked his eyebrows.

“That a yes then?” he asked.

“Well if you want to,” encouraged Seb.

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a quick kiss, then pushed himself to sit up, Seb copying him.

“Now darling they're only small presents really,” Mark cautioned.

“That's okay.”

“You're not the easiest person to buy for.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I never know what to buy you,” he countered.

“Yeah well we don't really need anything do we?”

 

They looked at one another for a moment, both of them knowing that there was only one thing they needed and it wasn't something you could buy. Mark gave Seb's arm a little rub, worrying for a moment that one of his gifts might be ill-judged. He decided he had better say so now.

“Sweetheart one of the things I got you I'm not sure about.”

Seb frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I just... I don't know if I was right to get it. You'll forgive me if it's the wrong thing won't you?”

“Of course I will, Liebling don't worry, I'm sure it'll be lovely whatever it is.”

“Mm, okay. Well anyway, shall I get you the little things?” decided Mark, not wanting to complicate what was meant to be a happy moment.

“Sure.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a quick peck of a kiss, then looked for some tracksuit bottoms to pull on so he could go find the gifts he had left hidden in one of the spare bedrooms. When he returned Sebastian was sat on the bed dressed in boxers and a t-shirt, the curtains pulled open.

“It's a beautiful day,” noted Sebastian.

“Course it is, it's your birthday.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes as Mark sat down beside him, carrying a small pile of wrapped presents which he placed on his knee.

“When did you wrap them?” enquired Seb.

“When you were at the factory the other week.”

“That's very organised of you.”

Mark shrugged.

“Anyway, which one first?” he prevaricated, deliberately teasing him again.

“Any's good I'm sure,” encouraged Sebastian.

“Now they're only little things,” Mark reminded him.

“It's fine. Little things are good.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark pulled out a large flat-ish present and passed it over. Seb took it and guessed it might be a hardback book, opening the wrapping slowly to see that it was a coffee table book full of pictures from the old days of racing; beautiful black and white shots of classic racers from the heady early days of leather helmets and straw-baled tracks. Underneath each picture was a little explanatory text and Mark smiled as he saw Seb reading them.

“Is it silly to give you a racing thing?” he asked.

Sebastian dragged his eyes away to look at Mark.

“Silly? No it's lovely. You know I love the old stuff. All that history. It's fascinating.”

Mark smiled in relief.

“Good. I hoped you'd like it.”

“I do.”

“I mean I know you probably know all this stuff already.”

“No I don't. It's really nice. Thank you Liebling. These pictures are amazing,” Seb praised.

 

He turned the page and Mark leaned in to look at a shot of an F1 car in the 1950's taken during a pitstop, the driver wearing ordinary clothes as he sat exposed in his high-set seat, a lit cigarette in his mouth while a mechanic in rolled-up shirtsleeves poured petrol into the car from what looked like a milk churn.

“Health and safety nightmare,” laughed Mark.

“Yeah, god can you imagine?”

Seb flicked through another few pages.

“Would you like to have raced in the olden days?” he enquired.

“Me?”

“Yeah.”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno, maybe. It looks exciting, but you didn't exactly have a good life expectancy.”

“Mm,” agreed Sebastian. “I always used to think I did, but now I don't think I could do it.”

He looked at a black and white shot of several wives and girlfriends sat on a pitwall that literally was a wall by the track, hair tied back by scarves and with large sunglasses on, they wore capri pants and flat shoes and looked somehow impossibly glamorous.

“I like that they're involved,” noted Seb, pointing out the clipboards and stopwatches they held. “You know, like they're really a part of the racing teams.”

“Yeah. Maybe I should do that.”

Sebastian laughed

“I was thinking the same. Do you think I'd suit the headscarf?”

“I think you'd look gorgeous darling,” assured Mark giving him a kiss on the cheek.

Seb huffed a laugh, then looked back to the pictures.

“People always say there was more of a family feel then, that they supported one another.”

Mark nodded.

“I guess they had to.”

“Yeah.” Seb looked back at him. “I couldn't do it though. Not what they did back then. They must have been so brave.”

“The drivers?”

“The wives.”

Mark looked at him for a long moment, then nodded.

“Yeah,” he agreed quietly, then decided to pick things up. “Right, next present?”

 

Sebastian closed the book and put it on an empty patch of duvet before looking back to Mark expectantly. Mark handed him a smaller present, rectangular and hard again.

“Now it might not be very original, but I hope you like it,” he offered.

Seb gave him a look.

“Of course I'll like it.”

“You haven't opened it yet.”

Sebastian nodded and carefully unwrapped it, pulling out a photograph frame of a very similar style to the one he had given Mark.

“I said it wasn't very original, but I thought you should have one on your side too,” Mark pointed out.

Sebastian was too busy looking at the picture of the two of them; another selfie, this time from back when they had gone camping in Australia, the contrasting blues of the lake and the sky behind them as they grinned for the camera.

“Our trip,” smiled Seb.

“Yeah. I reckon we're getting pretty good at taking them.”

Seb nodded, looking back at the photograph.

“That was such a cool little adventure,” he remembered.

“Yeah I seem to remember enjoying it,” Mark noted.

Sebastian laughed.

“Yeah I bet. Ah that's lovely Liebling. You're right, we can have one each by our bed now.”

He looked at it for another moment, then stretched over to put it on the bedside cabinet by his side of the bed. Seb glanced over to the other one Mark had by his side of the bed with the picture of them on holiday from last summer. Giving that to him was about the last memory he had from before the accident and it made it more poignant somehow.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Seb sat back up by him.

“Yep good.”

 

Mark had just one present remaining so he handed it over. Seb took it, thinking it felt not dissimilar to the first.

“Is it another book?” he asked.

“The idea is to open it and find out,” teased Mark.

Sebastian pulled a face, but he did as suggested. As he removed the gift wrap Sebastian saw what did look like a very plain covered book, but then he opened it and realised that is was a very specialist book, it was a photograph album, but all the pictures had been printed into it.

“I did say I wasn't very original,” apologised Mark. “It's all photo stuff.”

“No this is great,” assured Seb. “How did you get this?”

“Same people that did the frames, they do all sorts. Could have got you a mug and a jigsaw if you wanted.”

Sebastian laughed.

“A jigsaw?”

“Yep, or a clock.”

“A clock?”

“With your face on.”

Sebastian laughed, but Mark shook his head.

“Seriously, a clock on your face, the hands moving around from your nose.”

“Wow. That sounds awesome,” grinned Seb. “I'm gutted you didn't get me that as well.”

“Are you?”

Seb looked at him for a moment, suddenly worrying from Mark's dead-pan face that he might be serious.

“You haven't have you?”

Mark cracked up.

“No.”

“Oh right.”

Sebastian shook his head at Mark winding him up.

“There are limits,” noted Mark.

“Mm. This is great though, all our pictures in one place.”

“Yeah. I know we have them on our phones and stuff, but I just thought it was nice to have something more tangible.”

“Definitely.”

Sebastian turned the pages, smiling at the pictures of the pair of them around the world and at home, with their friends and family. He laughed as he found the photos that went with the selfie from their camping trip; the shots each had taken of the other jumping off the small cliff-side into the lake.

“Wow they look great blown-up,” praised Sebastian looking at the two pictures set either side on two pages.

“Yeah not bad are they?” Mark agreed.

 

Sebastian got towards the back and found the pictures of them with Mark's family in Australia and the pair of them at Seb's parents' in Germany. Then Seb came to the ones with little Sofie: his sister and Jan smiling proudly at their child, his little brother looking a little uncertain as he held her looking concerned he might drop the baby even though he was sat down, their parents looking thrilled, then him and Mark sat holding her between them.

Seb looked to Mark and gave him a soft smile.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah.”

“It's a nice photo.”

Sebastian nodded. It was a nice photo. The one he was looking at was from their last visit when they had made their decision to adopt and somehow he thought you could tell that from the way they were looking at their niece.

“Stef sent me a new picture. Sofie's already getting so much bigger.”

“I'm sure. Well we'll get plenty more pictures in the summer won't we?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark paused, still wondering about the wisdom of his final gift.

“Okay so... as I mentioned, I have got something else, but I'm not sure about it,” he explained.

Sebastian looked up.

“Where is it?”

“It's in one of the spare rooms.”

Sebastian furrowed his brow slightly, trying to work out what it could be.

“Is it something big?”

“Um, sort of, physically large I suppose, but... yeah okay I guess I'd better show you.”

Seb nodded, still intrigued. He paused to pull on some tracksuit bottoms and Mark found a t-shirt before leading him down the corridor, past the bedroom next door that was once Seb's and on to the one beyond it. Mark paused outside and looked at Seb again.

“If I've got this wrong, you will forgive me won't you?”

“Of course I will, but I'm sure it won't be.”

“Hm, okay. I hope so.”

 

Mark opened the door and they stepped inside. The room had a made-up, but rarely used, double bed at one side, two wardrobes full of clothes and junk that Mark knew he really ought to clear out and several boxes gathering dust stacked beside them. The room was currently filled with bright sunshine with the old curtains left open at the wide window and the light shone on something close to the window that was covered by a sheet. Sebastian stepped closer, trying to guess what the bulky thing underneath could possibly be. As he reached it he paused and turned to Mark.

“Is this it?”

“Yep. I couldn't really wrap it.”

Mark felt apprehensive, hoping he wasn't about to ruin their perfect morning. Seb could see from the look on his face that he was apprehensive, so he put his hand on Mark's arm.

“I'm sure it'll be lovely Liebling.”

“Mm, okay. I hope so. I just don't want you to think I'm jumping the gun.”

Seb frowned again, so Mark knew he simply had to show him, so he reached for the covering sheet and pulled it off.

“Oh.”

Sebastian stared.

“Oh wow,” he let out again quietly.

Mark looked at him anxiously.

“I didn't do the wrong thing did I?”

Seb turned to look at him.

“No Mark it's lovely. It really is. Where did you get it?”

“Online, but they're a local firm actually, a family business.”

“Right,” nodded Seb.

“They make everything on-site, apparently they've been going for generations, all hand-crafted,” continued Mark, wondering if he was running on because he was still nervous about Seb's reaction.

“I haven't got ahead of myself have I?” he checked.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Liebling it's really nice.”

He reached out and stroked his hand over the smooth wood, thinking how well-made it seemed.

“It feels really solid, like you'd have it and hand it on,” Seb commented.

“Yeah I think that's the idea.”

Sebastian nodded.

“They do all sorts of things, other furniture... really nice classic stuff and... nursery things,” Mark added tentatively.

 

Seb was gazing at it, nodding distractedly.

“It's beautiful.”

“I know you're not meant to buy things, some things, in advance. I don't want to jinx us.”

“No.”

“But I didn't think this counted. I mean it is sort of for the baby, but not really, not exactly...”

Sebastian turned to him, hearing how nervous Mark still sounded.

“It's really nice Mark, really thoughtful.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They both looked at it again and Sebastian gave it a little push to see the rocking chair move gently back and forth, the warm shades of the polished wood gleaming in the sunlight.

Seb looked back to Mark and reached up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you Liebling. I really like it.”

Mark smiled with relief.

“Okay, good. I just... I mean your sister said how much she liked the one you got her.”

“ _We_ got her.”

“Right, well anyway I just thought it was nice. Old-fashioned I guess.”

“I like old-fashioned,” asserted Seb.

“Must be why you like me,” Mark teased, feeling rather better at Seb's positive reaction.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Shush.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian sighed and looked around him.

“This is a nice room isn't it?”

“Mm.”

“Gets lots of light,” Seb continued.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took a step past the rocking chair to look out of the window into the garden, thinking it was a nice view from here.

“Do you think this room would be nice as a nursery?” he asked.

Mark had gone to stand with him and as they both turned back to survey their surroundings he put his arm around Seb.

“Yeah sweetheart, I think it would.”

Seb looked at him.

“I know we shouldn't get ahead, but I can't help imagining,” he admitted.

“Yeah me too,” agreed Mark. “Maybe I should clear this room out?”

“I could help,” Seb offered.

“Course. Half this stuff we don't need. It's mostly my old junk.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Maybe keep the bed for the summer, you know with people coming.”

“Sure. Okay well we can do that. Then when they come for their next visit, the adoption people that is, they can see we're making more efforts. We could even paint it,” Mark suggested.

“Paint it?”

“Is that going too far?”

“No I didn't mean that. What colour where you thinking?”

Mark shrugged.

“Whatever you like.”

 

Seb looked at the plain magnolia walls and thought about the sunny feeling in this room in this moment. He wanted it to be like this all year round for a baby, a happy peaceful space, not just in summer.

“Yellow. Like a pale, warm yellow.”

Mark smiled as he looked at him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah I think that would be nice, don't you?” checked Seb.

“Sure.”

“Yellow works for a boy or girl doesn't it?” noted Sebastian, “and it's a nice calm colour.”

“Sounds good,” agreed Mark.

 

Sebastian stood picturing the room as a nursery; pale yellow walls, thick curtains of a similar shade designed to block out the light so the baby could nap uninterrupted in the daytime. He imagined more nursery furniture to match the rocking chair, old-fashioned and solid, dependable, to ensure the child would be safe, nothing flimsy or disposable, so they knew they were a permanent part of their family and felt protected as such.

“Just plain walls then?” Mark asked.

Seb turned a little more to him, warming to his theme.

“Maybe just with a border or a frieze, whatever you call it, going around with like little pastel animals on.”

“Animals?” smiled Mark.

“Yeah, zoo animals; lions and tigers, elephants and parrots and monkeys and...” Sebastian stopped. “You think it's silly?”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling, I think it's lovely. I'm sure a kid would love looking at that. We'll have to get them soft toy animals to match, then they can play with them.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Guess we'll have to put up some shelves for them too then.”

“And books, lots and lots of books,” added Sebastian.

“Picture books?”

“Yes. So we can read to them and they can look at the pictures to understand the story.”

Mark huffed a little laugh, but he could just picture Seb doing that, taking such care to entertain and teach their child. He suspected that nothing would make him happier.

“I guess that's where the chair comes in,” he noted.

 

Sebastian looked back at the rocking chair; It had a cushioned seat on the base and at the back, covered in cream hard-wearing material and held in place with little ribbon ties.

“They look home-made,” he observed.

“Hmm?”

“The cushion bits.”

“Oh, yeah when I ordered it the guy rang me and said his wife does them as extras if we wanted them so I said yes. You like them?”

“Yeah they're really nice, I like that there's a personal touch.”

“You should try it out then,” prompted Mark.

Sebastian went and sat down, feeling a bit silly as Mark smiled at him, but experimentally pushing with his feet to make it rock back and forth again.

“What do you think then?” Mark asked.

“Yeah. Nice. Very restful.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think that's sort of the point.”

“Yeah. You try it.”

Sebastian stopped the chair and got up, so Mark did as he was told and sat in it to do the same as Seb.

“Yeah mate, it's nice,” he confirmed.

 

They looked at one another and both knew they were just missing one tiny, but vital detail in this scene. The smile faded from Seb's face and Mark reached out his hand as he saw it.

“Come here.”

Sebastian took the hand and allowed himself to be pulled to sit angled in Mark's lap. He couldn't help a little smile returning to his face as the motion automatically made the chair rock slightly again as Mark wrapped his arms around him.

“It's gonna be okay,” Mark assured him gently.

Seb took in the deepest of breaths as he leaned into him, dropping his head alongside Mark's.

“Is it?”

“Yes darling. It is. We'll get there. It might take a long time. It might take a fight, but we'll get there.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded slightly.

“I don't care what it takes. I'll do it,” he vowed.

“Yeah.”

“This interview tomorrow. I'll do that too. I'll get through it somehow.”

“I know you will sweetheart. I know it's scary, but we can go all through that tomorrow morning so we're ready, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you Liebling.”

“We don't need to think about that today.”

“Okay. Yeah, tomorrow.”

 

Sebastian turned his head so he could rest his forehead against Mark's, their noses alongside, just pressing in close for a few moments until Mark moved to kiss him, just softly on the lips. Seb let out a sigh as he lifted away, looking at Mark, and then the chair where they sat.

“It's a lovely present Liebling, thank you.”

Mark just nodded, still hoping he wasn't raising their expectations even higher. He couldn't bear to think how it would be if they failed. They simply couldn't allow that to happen.

“It's gonna be alright sweetheart,” Mark promised, praying he was right.

“We'll be a family.”

“We're already a family. We'll just be a bigger family.”

Sebastian smiled at him.

“Yeah okay. I just wish I knew how long it's going to take,” he admitted.

“Me too. We'll just have to keep pushing, not let them bury our case in bureaucracy.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Keep bothering them?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder and smiled.

“Keep us at the top of the pile anyway. I think Rachel's a pretty good sort.”

“Yeah. I wish it was only her.”

“Mm, well we'll deal with it. You know what my mum said.”

“Hmm?”

“If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for.”

“Oh. Yeah. We'll keep fighting.”

“We will.”

Mark gave Seb's cheek a stroke as they looked at each other, then gave him a kiss to move things on.

“Come on then darling, I don't know about you, but I'm starving. What do you say to some breakfast, or brunch, or lunch, or whatever we're calling it by now?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“I think I say hello brunch.”

“I bet you do,” grinned Mark. “I'd better get on the case then.”

 

He pushed Seb up to stand, then Seb turned and helped pull Mark up in turn. Mark was going to walk on to use the bathroom before going down, but Sebastian reached to put his arms around Mark's neck.

“I love you Liebling.”

Mark smiled and fitted his arms around the small of Seb's back to pull him in tight.

“I love you too. Happy birthday darling.”

“Thank you for everything.”

“I'm glad you liked them.”

He gave Seb a kiss, then let him go.

“Come on, grub, before I keel over.”

“Righto.”

Sebastian took his hand and led Mark out. As they exited he looked back at the rocking chair and knew that was decided now: This was the nursery, they just had to find a way to make it real, not just a dream.

  


  


  


  


They spent the day making the most of their declared holiday from worries, taking their time over brunch before finally showering and taking the dogs out. By the time they got to the top of the hill the weather was baking hot and they were glad to stop for a sit down while the dogs ran around.

“Blimey, should have brought some water,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. We can head back in a bit.”

“Mm, no rush.”

“Nope, none at all,” smiled Seb, glad that for once that was true.

  


  


By early evening Mark decided he ought to make a start on sorting out dinner, but they were currently sat in the garden in the still bright sunshine and it was difficult to motivate himself to move.

“I should go in,” he commented.

Seb smiled over from his chair beside Mark, thinking how reluctant he sounded.

“Stay a while.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Am I that obvious?”

“It's too sunny to go in yet.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark rubbed a hand through his hair and lifted his sunglasses to look at Seb.“I just had an idea.”

“Oh?”

Mark sat up a bit.

“I'm just gonna go look in the garage.”

“The garage?”

“Yeah. There's a garden table in there. At least I think there is. I'm sure I saw it when I tidied up a while back,” Mark explained. “I don't know if it's in decent nick or not.”

He stood up out of his chair and Seb stood with him.

“You don't have to,” he started, but Seb shook his head and the pair of them walked around the house to have a dig in the garage.

  


A few minutes later they carried a folded wooden table back around the house and set it up on the lawn not far from the back door, the dogs who had been sunbathing like their masters got up to investigate and were doing a good job of getting in the way as Mark held the table top up while Sebastian crawled on the grass underneath it trying to get the legs to click into position to see if it stood up properly.

“There.”

Seb fitted the last leg in place and stood back up to see Mark give the table a little push to see if it was stable.

“Yeah I reckon it's alright,” judged Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

The table was only about a metre across and Mark was sure it used to have chairs to go with it, but they had broken and been thrown out some years ago.

 

“So we could eat out here?”

“Yeah if you fancy it?”

“Yeah that'd be nice,” Seb agreed.

He looked over to the wooden garden chairs where they had been sat before and frowned.

“They're a bit low,” Sebastian observed.

“Mm.”

Mark held up a finger as he thought of something else and disappeared inside, returning with one of the kitchen chairs. He set it by the table and looked at Sebastian expectantly, so Seb sat on it and laughed.

“Perfect.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah kind of works doesn't it? Right, better get another one.”

He nipped back in and set a second chair down so he could sit opposite Seb. Mark skimmed a hand over the wooden table, seeing how the varnish had cracked over the years.

“Not glamorous, but it'll do won't it?”

“Yeah very nice Liebling.”

“Excellent,” smiled Mark, feeling rather pleased at his brainwave. “Ooh I know.”

He jumped up and shot back inside and Sebastian was left shrugging to the dogs.

“I dunno. Maybe he's getting more chairs for you guys?”

Seb laughed to himself and gave Shadow and Simba a rub while he waited for Mark to come back. He walked out with something behind his back, then with a flourish Mark unfurled a tablecloth and put it to cover the somewhat rough surface.

“Ta dah!” he announced, making Sebastian laugh.

“Very posh Liebling.”

“Mum got it me yonks ago and it's just been sat in a drawer.”

“Your mum is very thoughtful,” agreed Sebastian.

“She is. Anyway, what d'you reckon?”

“Yep, it's good. Now we can eat al fresco.”

“Be useful for our barbecue too.”

“Sure.”

 

“Right well I'd better get on with things.”

“I can help,” offered Seb.

“Nope. It's your birthday. I'm the one making dinner,” Mark insisted.

“Hmm, okay. I might grab a shower and change then.”

“Feeling sticky?” teased Mark.

Sebastian scrunched his nose.

“Lovely. Anyways you go slave over a hot stove and I'll have a nice cool shower.”

“ _Hmm_.”

 

They both headed indoors, Seb leaving Mark to get to work while he went upstairs. Once Mark had got the meal in the oven he came upstairs thinking Seb's idea of grabbing a shower was a good one. He found Seb only half dressed in their bedroom.

“Taking your time?”

“Hmm?”

Seb looked up from digging in a drawer.

“I wasn't sure what to wear.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“There's no dress-code for our back garden.”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“No, I mean is it still warm out?”

“Well I'm boiling.”

“Hmm.”

Mark shrugged and pulled his t-shirt off.

“I'm grabbing a shower. If you want to come down in t-shirt and boxers that's fine by me sweetheart.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and pulled out a pair of jeans.

“Smart arse.”

“What was that about my arse?” teased Mark.

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“Nothing Liebling.”

“Nothing?”

Mark was just in the middle of removing his shorts and twisted around to look at his own behind.

“All that time in the gym and I get 'nothing',” he complained.

Sebastian stood, dumped the jeans on the bed and looked at Mark, doing his best not to smile.

“You have a very nice arse Liebling. Now are you going to get it into the shower before our dinner burns?”

Mark laughed and stole a kiss.

“Absolutely. And for the record darling you have a very nice arse yourself.”

Sebastian shook his head and waved Mark away while he pulled on the jeans and finished getting ready.

“Do I need to check on anything?” he asked more seriously.

“Nope all in hand.”

“Righto.”

  


Sebastian left him to it, going downstairs to kill time. When Mark came downstairs he could find neither Seb nor the dogs inside, so he checked on the food cooking, then looked out into the garden. It was nearly eight o'clock seeing as they had been so slow at getting going, but it was still light outside. He saw Seb stood by the table they'd found and walked over, then let out a little laugh.

“Where did you find them?” he asked seeing a selection of various chunky plain candles Seb had put on an old plate which he had put in the centre of the table.

“In a drawer.”

“You thought you'd rifle through a drawer just in case?”

“Yeah.” Seb frowned. “Is it stupid?”

“No, no it's nice darling.”

“I just thought for when it gets dark.”

“Very smart. And it'll keep the mozzies off,” Mark noted.

Seb shrugged and Mark gave him a kiss thinking he wasn't very good at being romantic. He was pretty sure he only had the candles in case of a power-cut.

“It's nice darling,” Mark assured. “Did you find some matches?”

“Yep.” Seb pulled a small packet from his pocket. “In the same drawer.”

“At least I'm reasonably organised if nothing else.”

“Nothing else?”

Mark gave him a wry smile.

“I'm a pretty poor romantic darling, sorry.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You're making me dinner.”

“We make dinner every night.”

Seb stepped in closer.

“Yes but tonight you are making me dinner. _For me_. So thank you. And we're eating outside. That's nice.”

“Yeah okay. Well it won't be long. I was thinking we could have some wine if you fancy it?”

“And you say you're not romantic,” teased Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Perhaps I have ulterior motives?”

“You don't need to get me drunk for that.”

“Oh really?”

“Nope.”

Sebastian smiled and Mark smiled back.

“Well...” Mark began, then ran out of constructive thoughts as his mind wandered.

“I can't drink much though. I don't want a hangover tomorrow,” pointed out Seb.

“No. Me neither. Just a drop of the red stuff, then?”

“Sure.”

“I'll go find something nice.”

 

Mark went back in while Sebastian lit the candles, thinking Mark's point about mosquitoes might be a good one even if it wasn't yet dark enough tonight yet to really need the light. As he appraised the laid table he thought it did look nice. Seb smiled, then went inside to help Mark bring things out, ignoring his protests that he could do everything on his own. Mark did have to admit it avoided the need for him to walk in and out of the back door a dozen times and gave him chance to finish up getting their meal ready. Soon they were sat eating and relaxing, joking about how funny it was to be like this. The dogs had come to sit at their feet and Seb looked at them.

“Maybe we should have brought their bowls outside too?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“They're waiting for you to sneak them titbits as usual.”

Sebastian opened his mouth to protest, then closed it again, knowing Mark was right. He merely smiled and shrugged a shoulder as he cut off a couple of pieces of steak and dropped them down, Shadow and Simba got up to snaffle them before coming over to rub into Seb to say thanks for their treats. Mark huffed a laugh and shook his head, but Seb ignored him as he stroked the animals.

“Yeah,” smiled Seb. “You love Papa don't you?”

Mark took a sip of his wine.

“Bribery.”

“Whatever works,” defended Sebastian.

“Is that what we'll be telling them tomorrow?”

Seb gave him a look and Mark held up a hand.

“Sorry,” he apologised.

“I just don't want to think about it yet.”

“Course not. Sorry sweetheart, my bad. Ignore me.”

Sebastian shook his head, not wanting anything to spoil their evening.

“It's okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah course. It's fine Liebling, really.”

“Alright.”

“We can talk stuff through in the morning can't we?”

“Course we can. We've plenty of time.”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian tried another sip of the wine. He was drinking it in conjunction with water, not wanting it to go too much to his head.

“This is nice,” he offered.

“The wine?”

“Yeah.”

“Aussie,” smiled Mark.

“Ah, that'll be it then,” Seb agreed. “I'd better not have more than a glass though.”

“No worries, we can hang on to it. I don't think I should have too much either. I'm a lightweight these days.”

“Me too. James Hunt would be so disappointed in us.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“I don't think we were ever going to fit with his driver stereotype.”

“No that's true. I prefer our style.”

“Quiet night in?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded in agreement.

“Who needs all those people and the noise?”

“Get enough of that when we're working,” noted Seb.

“That's certainly true.”

“All I can hear now is...” Seb paused and they both listened for a moment. “Birds. Really that's it.”

“Perfect.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark smiled and looked over at Seb across the table. The light was beginning to weaken and the candlelight sent a glow over Sebastian's face making it look golden as if he shone and Mark thought he was starting to see why people made the effort with that sort of thing.

“You enjoying your birthday then?” he checked.

“Yes thank you. This is really nice.”

“Good.”

They finished up eating and sat talking about pleasant nothings for a while, planning what they might do for the barbecue in a few weeks and whether they might squeeze in a holiday before then. Seb finished off the remains of his small glass of wine and held it up.

“I think that's me done.”

“You don't want any more?”

Sebastian gave a shake of his head.

“No thanks.”

Mark took in a breath of cooler air now it the sun was sinking.

“You want anything else?” he checked.

“No I'm good.”

“Shall I clear stuff away?”

“I'll help.”

Sebastian stood and began collecting the plates before Mark had time to protest and they took things through to the kitchen, piling it by the sink.

“We're not washing up are we?” asked Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“We can do it in the morning.”

“'kay.”

  


They went in and out until everything was cleared and all that was left was the tablecloth and candles. Seb looked reluctant to blow them out so Mark lifted the plate and pulled the cloth out from underneath, folding it over his arm and putting the candles back in place before picking up his chair to take in. Seb took the other chair and they deposited them back where they belonged in the kitchen. The dogs had decided the air was too cool now and their baskets in the nice warm kitchen were preferable, so Seb re-filled their water bowls and gave them a stroke.

“There we go boys, settle down now.”

Shadow pushed his nose into his hand making Sebastian smile.

“Daft thing. I've no more treats for you. Mark fed you earlier, so don't pretend you're hard-up.”

Mark came over and Sebastian stood back up.

“I'll just get the candles.”

“You never know. We might have a power-cut one day,” agreed Mark.

 

Seb nodded and stepped back out to see that it really was getting dark now. He went to blow the candles out, Mark going with him for no reason other than to stay with him. Seb leaned in over the table, puffed a sharp breath and the light was gone, smoke whisping skywards in front of them. The sudden absence of the little flames made the night seem all the darker, but then without warning the sky beyond the trees that marked the edge of the property lit up with a burst of fireworks in the distance.

“Oh wow!” gasped Sebastian.

Mark laughed and put his arm around Seb.

“Indeed.”

He looked at Seb, seeing how captivated his expression was. Mark could see the exploding coloured lights reflected in Seb's eyes and thought it was as though that light really came from within him.

“I wish I could pretend I'd arranged this for you sweetheart.”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian tore his eyes away for a moment to see Mark's smile.

“I'm guessing we have some American neighbours somewhere over towards the village,” Mark suggested.

Seb frowned a moment, then his expression cleared.

“Oh I see.”

“Yeah. Fourth of July.”

“So it is. I hadn't realised. Well I mean I kind of did obviously, but, yeah...”

Mark looked back at the display and wondered if it would be over in a moment, but it seemed somebody was really going to town as the fireworks paused only to restart with different sorts of designs going up higher into the sky, bright colours spreading in the darkness.

“Are you cold?” he checked.

“Hmm? No I'm fine,” Seb assured.

“One sec then.”

 

Mark let go of him and nipped back inside, returning a moment later with the blanket they kept on the sofa for winter and a cushion, shutting the kitchen door behind him to make sure the dogs weren't disturbed by the noise from the fireworks, even if it was off in the distance. Returning to the garden Mark laid the blanket out on the grass a little way over from the table and Sebastian smiled as he understood what Mark's idea was. They quickly settled down on the blanket together, sharing the cushion for their heads as they looked up at the sky, the ground beneath them still warm and dry from the long sunny day.

“I love fireworks.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Course you do.”

Seb looked at him.

“Cos I'm a big kid?”

“No darling, because you appreciate the good things in life, the simple things.”

“Do you like them?”

“I like them with you.”

Mark pulled Seb in a little tighter and Sebastian fitted his arm around Mark's middle.

“You make feel like I'm not as old and cynical as I thought I was,” continued Mark.

Sebastian looked at him insistently.

“You're not old Liebling. I wish you wouldn't say that.”

Mark sighed.

“I'm going to be forty next month and you're still in your twenties,” he complained.

Sebastian squished his face, thinking it didn't sound great when he put it that way.

“You don't look it,” he tried.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Well thank you sweetheart, that's something I suppose.”

They both looked up at a particularly impressive display of multiple fireworks in different colours arranged to go off one inside the other, high in the dark sky.

“Pretty,” acknowledged Mark.

“Yeah.”

 

Mark let out a sigh and Seb felt it as he lay into his chest. He turned a little more to look at him.

“Liebling you're not old. You will never be old to me.” Sebastian swallowed suddenly. “ _Never_. And I will love you till the day I die.”

Mark raised a hand and placed it by Seb's cheek, hearing the emotion in his voice and seeing how wide and sincere his eyes were.

“It's alright darling.”

Sebastian took a deep settling breath and they looked at one another in the near dark. Mark stroked Seb's cheek with his thumb thinking how closely those emotions lurked beneath the surface and wondering how Seb kept them so well hidden from most people. Most people, but not him.

“It's okay,” he reassured softly.

Seb nodded and reached to give Mark a kiss.

“You're not old,” Seb whispered.

“Okay.” Mark huffed a little laugh. “Maybe I'm only as old as the man I feel?”

A half-smile quirked onto Sebastian's face as Mark smoothed his hand down Seb's arm and along his side.

“You know Liebling, maybe it'll be the best thing.”

“What?”

“Getting older. I was miserable a few years ago. I couldn't see any kind of good future, but the thing is I had no idea, absolutely no idea that this was in my future, that you were in my future. I could never have even dreamt of this.”

“No, me neither.”

“So maybe it's good?” pressed Sebastian. “If a couple of years ago we didn't know we'd get something this good, who knows what we'll have in another couple of years? Maybe something amazing.”

“Something even more amazing than this?”

“Yes Liebling, a family.”

Mark took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Yeah,” he agreed quietly. “That would be pretty amazing.”

“So your forties might be better than your thirties and my thirties might be better than my twenties,” asserted Sebastian. “Most of my twenties anyway.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yeah. I like that idea darling. Uphill not down.”

“Yeah and okay maybe it won't be that straight-forward and we'll still have tough times too, but it'd be worth it wouldn't it?” insisted Seb.

“Yes darling of course it would be. _Will be_. We'll get there. It's like you say. You can't exactly predict the future. You've just got to hope for the best,” Mark agreed.

“And keep swimming.”

Mark huffed another laugh.

“Yeah, just keep swimming.”

“Always.”

“Always.”

 

Sebastian lowered in to kiss Mark, properly this time, slowly and deeply. The fireworks continued to explode in the night sky above them, but neither were paying attention to them anymore. Mark pulled Seb to lie on top of him and they caught their breath before continuing, beginning to forget where they were.

As Seb lifted away for a second time his chest was moving more heavily and Mark smiled up at him.

“I'll always love you too darling, did I say that?”

Sebastian smiled.

“You say it all the time.”

“Well I want to say it now,” emphasised Mark.

Sebastian turned his head as an especially loud bang went off and huffed a laugh.

“There were fireworks that night too.”

“Which night?”

“ _That_ night. Us in the garden. New Year's Eve,” explained Seb, thinking how Mark ought to have known right away.

“Oh. Ha, course. Sorry. Yeah, we have good timing don't we?”

“Guess we do.”

“Mm.”

“Do you think the dogs are okay?” checked Seb.

“They're inside darling. If they were bothered by it we'd hear them wouldn't we?”

“Oh yeah I guess.”

“They're snuggled up in the baskets,” Mark assured. “They know they're safe there.”

 

Sebastian lowered in to lie on Mark's chest again, angling his head to look at him.

“This is a safe place. This house. I felt it from the moment I walked through the door.”

“Good.”

“They will see that won't they? When they come back and we've done all the things they ask. They'll see that this is a safe home for a child.”

“I'm sure they will sweetheart.”

“I want a child to feel it too. Our child. The moment they come here. I want them to feel so safe and know that this is their home and that it always will be. Just the way I did,” Seb explained.

“They will. We'll make sure of it darling. When we bring our child home they will be _our_ child and this will be _their_ home.”

“Forever.”

“Forever,” confirmed Mark. “Because family is forever, just the way love, real love, is forever. We'll make sure they understand that.”

 

Seb sighed happily and lowered into Mark, pressing his cheek into Mark's.

“That's how it feels.”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian lifted his head.

“That. It feels true, _right_.”

“Good. So if it gets scary, or you feel doubts creeping in, then you just hold onto that. Alright darling?”

Sebastian didn't need explanation to know what Mark meant.

“Yeah, okay. Thank you Liebling.”

 

Sebastian lowered in to kiss him again, closing his eyes now to lose himself in it. He rested a little into his elbows just off the edge of the cushion where Mark's head lay. He didn't notice where Mark's hands were going. It all just went under a category of 'good'. Seb barely even noticed the way he instinctively began to move against Mark's body or how naturally they were in sync. The temperature was dropping in the air around them, but their bodies were heating up so they didn't notice that either.

It was only as Seb parted his legs to straddle Mark and things began to intensify, that Mark pulled away from the kiss, trying to look at him.

“Seb.”

“Mm.”

Mark grinned and stole another kiss.

“Seb, darling.”

“Yeah.”

“Inside?”

“Hmm?”

Mark laughed as he stroked his hands over Sebastian's thighs, slowly heading on upwards, skimming over his arse to sneak under his t-shirt. Mark was so distracted by the delightful sensation he almost forgot what he was going to say until he felt Seb shiver a little as his t-shirt was rucked up and more skin was exposed to the night.

“We should go in. To bed?”

“Oh. Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark took in a breath, then laughed again.

“So are you going to move? Cos if you don't darling, I think pretty soon I'm not going to be capable of going anywhere.”

 

Sebastian laughed and clambered off him, feeling almost strange to appreciate that they really were outside in the garden in almost complete darkness. The only light coming from the house was streaming out from the kitchen window where they had left it on. They had failed to notice the firework display finishing when they had been too busy creating a few fireworks of their own.

He looked up for a moment to see how clear the sky was and how many bright stars were shining above them.

“It's a beautiful night,” he observed.

Mark sat beside him looked up and saw the same thing.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Gonna get cold soon though.”

Seb looked at him.

“Don't fancy spending the night out here under the stars then Liebling?”

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“With you that's very tempting sweetheart, but I think it'd get a bit nippy.”

“Mm, yeah okay then.”

  


They helped each other to stand and gathered up the blanket and cushion to carry them inside, dumping them on the kitchen table with only a glance to see that the dogs were happily asleep where they had left them. Mark took Seb's hand and led him up the stairs to their bedroom, pausing to switch on one of the bedside lamps. He turned back to see Sebastian stood there waiting, so Mark put his hand at the side of Seb's face to look in his eyes for a moment.

“I want to see you darling,” he explained.

Sebastian nodded and Mark leaned in to kiss him, Seb lifting his arms to wrap them around Mark's neck, helping himself to lift up onto his toes to make things easier. As they parted Mark moved his hands to slide under Seb's t-shirt, stroking over his back briefly before lifting it up, Sebastian obliging by raising his hands up to ease it off over his head to be dumped on the floor. He smiled at Mark, then did the same for him, kissing him before giving Mark a teasing push to propel him towards the bed.

Mark laughed as he fell gently backwards, shifting back as Seb climbed on to join him, undoing his jeans, then reaching to do the same for Seb so they could get rid of them too. That done Mark gave Sebastian a hand to pull him to straddle his lap, staying sat up to kiss him. Seb wrapped his arms back around Mark's neck, enjoying the way their chests pressed together as they heaved a little more, each trying to keep enough air in their lungs to keep going with as little interruption as possible.

 

Mark grinned to himself as he slid his hands over Seb's skin, down his back and starting to sneak the edge of Sebastian's underwear down.

“Mmm.”

Mark laughed and raised an eyebrow as he looked at him. Seb grinned back and they started to rearrange themselves, fumbling in their hurry to remove the last of their clothes that were in the way until Sebastian found himself lying on his back, Mark now above him, kissing him and touching him and making Seb's heart jump in the best way possible.

“Oh.”

Mark paused for a second to check, but Sebastian's head had tipped back on the pillow as he gasped and he knew that was a good _'_ _oh_ _'._ He gave him a firm kiss on the lips before lifting up and pulling open the drawer beside the bed to grab the lube so he could begin to touch Seb in earnest, gaining a whole row of ever higher-pitched _'oh'_ s that made Mark's heart beat as fast as Sebastian's surely was.

Sebastian could feel his skin burning up, his breathing beginning to slip and all he could think was that he need Mark. He needed him now. Right now. He opened his eyes and looked directly at him.

“Mark.”

“Yeah.”

“Please. Oh, god, please I need you,” he pleaded.

 

Mark nodded and raised up to kiss him, at the same time, moving his hand so he could shift Seb slightly and Sebastian did as he needed to, raising his knees higher and then finding a way to wrap his legs around Mark, their eyes locking on one another, pupils wide and seeing nothing but each other as Mark moved to push inside him, taking both their breath away. Sebastian's mouth was open, but he couldn't make any kind of words come out. Mark lowered his forehead down against Seb's, their noses knocking until he shifted a fraction, then pressed his lips to Sebastian's, nipping slightly at his lower lip to provoke a reaction. Sebastian gasped slightly, then kissed back more fervently, his hands going from where they had held onto Mark's upper arms to slide around him, letting Mark lift up a little, kissing him again before beginning to move.

Sebastian closed his eyes, only wanting to feel this, to feel Mark and just enjoy the release of not having to think anything at all. He didn't notice the little noises that floated from his mouth, making Mark smile at the way Seb was responding to him, his body perceptibly relaxing and alternating with the sharper jumps within him that told Mark he was getting things just right. Seb always felt so wonderful, so soft and receptive, and they way he clung to him as if his life depended on it did something to Mark. It made him feel powerful and protective at the same time. He always felt a responsibility to take care of Seb, to make him happy, but it wasn't a burden, it was a gift, it was incredible.

His friends like Jenson and DC sometimes dropped little hints that they were curious what their sex life was really like, but Mark would never do anything but smile and shake his head. He would never betray anything so personal of Seb, but even if he could do that, Mark didn't think he'd ever be able to explain it anyway. How could you explain this? The physical sensations were pretty amazing, but that meant nothing without the emotional connection he felt. It didn't matter if Seb closed his eyes when every other part of his body was given over to him, every heartbeat, every pulse of blood through his body that Mark felt was one they shared.

Sebastian let out a sharp cry and Mark groaned as he came straight after, suddenly seeing Seb's eyes wide open as he stared up at him. Mark was still slowing, his heart pounding in his chest as he lowered himself down into him. Sebastian was gasping for air, his skin filmed in sweat. His head felt as though it was spinning, everything was spinning and the only thought he had was to hold onto Mark as tightly as he could.

 

“Hey,” greeted Mark softly as if calling Seb back from wherever he'd gone just then.

Seb looked at him, his eyes still not fully focussed. He tried to make words come out of his mouth, but he wasn't quite there yet, so Mark just smiled and gave a tiny shake of his head before brushing his nose against Seb's and giving him a gentle kiss. He could feel how heavily Seb, and indeed he, was still breathing and Mark worried he was putting too much weight into him.

“We need to move sweetheart,” he explained, already beginning to lift up a little, but Sebastian held on tighter.

“No.”

Mark put one hand at the side of Sebastian's face.

“It's okay. Just hold on darling,” he instructed.

Sebastian gave him a nod and clung on as Mark turned them, only releasing his legs from wrapping around to lie with Mark more comfortably. He let out a sigh as he rested his cheek into Mark chest and hung onto him, letting his breathing slow in its own time. Mark smoothed his hands over Seb's back.

“It's okay,” he soothed, “five minutes.”

Mark saw a smile creep onto Seb's face and smiled to match it.

  


Later, after they had found enough energy and motivation to get up and shower, they climbed back into bed, having hardly let go of one another entirely at any point. Sebastian stretched out beside him as Mark pulled the duvet over them, then snuggled in close as Mark wrapped his arms around him. Mark took a deep settling breath in, then gave Seb a kiss.

“Nice birthday then?” he checked.

Sebastian smiled in the darkness.

“Yeah the best. Thank you Liebling.”

“Good.”

Seb gave him a kiss in reply, then shuffled about to get into position, his arm across Mark's middle and his leg hooked over Mark's to make sure he stayed locked in place where Mark held him into his chest. Tomorrow was close now, but he didn't want to think about it, he just wanted to feel safe and secure and not let anything else in other than how good this felt. Seb placed his ear over Mark's heart to hear it beating steadily and he let it fill his mind as it lulled him off to sleep. Tomorrow could wait until tomorrow.

  


  


* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy chapter for once, in rather stark contrast to Seb's race today...


	143. Transparent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the delay. I've got ridiculous amounts of work to do at the moment, but here we are part one, to be followed soon as I can by part two.

* * *

  
  


  
  


Tomorrow dawned as Sebastian knew it inevitably would. He woke before their alarm and tried to bury himself in Mark as he had the night before, but now his brain was failing to achieve the denial he had been so successful at for the previous week. He knew there was no ignoring his worries now that it was the day of their interviews with the adoption agency psychiatrist. Sebastian could sense that horrible feeling of impending panic creeping up inside of him, so he started taking long, slow, deliberate breaths, doing his best to control things. He closed his eyes to concentrate on it, then felt Mark stroking over his arm and reopened them to look up at him.

“Hey sweetheart, you okay?” frowned Mark.

Seb closed his eyes again and pushed out a slow breath and Mark knew that meant no. He sighed and gave Sebastian a squeeze.

“Are you worrying about later?”

Sebastian nodded against him and Mark gave his arm another rub, before speaking a little more firmly.

“Alright darling sit up with me a minute” he instructed. “Come on.”

Mark started to push himself up and Sebastian had little choice except to do the same seeing as he was leaning into his chest, so he opened his eyes and sat properly up in bed. Mark kept one arm around him and with the other he put his hand at the side of Seb's face and ducked in to look at him.

“It's gonna alright. Don't let it get on top of you.”

Sebastian took in an uneven breath and pushed it out.

“It's just, I've been ignoring it.”

“I know. We both have. It's fine. We've got...” Mark, let go of him to look over at the time. “Six hours. So that's ages. Plenty of time for us to talk everything through to get ready. Okay?”

“Okay,” allowed Seb reluctantly.

“It's only half seven. We don't have to get up for a while if you don't want to?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'm too awake now.”

“Alright. Breakfast then?”

 

Seb sighed, knowing he was being hard work.

“I'm sorry Liebling, I'm just not hungry.”

Mark nodded.

“Alright, well do you want to get some air then?”

“Yeah. I think... Hmm,” Sebastian looked at Mark. “Maybe go for a run?”

“Yeah okay if you like,” Mark agreed.

“I just think it might help clear my head.”

“Sure. Good idea darling, set us up for the day. We can do that, come back for breakfast and then what d'you say we take the dogs out and just go sit at the top of the hill and work things through?”

“Yeah that sounds good, thank you.”

“We'll still have loads of time, so we'll just tick off the stuff we're worrying about, set ourselves up and then we can grab a spot of lunch and get ready.”

Sebastian nodded. He still couldn't quite imagine wanting to eat anything, but a plan was comforting.

“Right then, let's get going,” urged Mark, “roads'll be nice and quiet and it'll be cool out yet.”

Sebastian nodded and they climbed out of bed to get ready.

  
  


  
  


An hour later they returned from a good run, Seb feeling better in body if not entirely in mind. The weather was as gorgeous as it had been the day before and running along the familiar country lanes under clear blue skies did at least do something to lift his spirits as well as pumping a few endorphins through their systems. By the time they emerged from the shower and dressed, Sebastian was feeling as though he could at last eat something, so they headed down for breakfast to find Pauline in the kitchen doing their abandoned washing up from the night before. Presumably she must have let themselves in while showering distracted them from hearing her arrive.

“Oh Pauline you didn't need to do that,” protested Mark. “We'd just left it till later.”

Pauline shrugged as she wiped her hands on a tea-towel.

“I thought I might as well. Have you been out for a run?”

“Yeah. Sorry, we were going to tidy up this morning.”

“Doesn't matter,” she dismissed. “Have you had breakfast?”

“Not yet.”

“Right, well I'll go hoover then, give you space.”

“Thanks.”

Pauline nodded, then noticed that Sebastian was a little quiet.

“Are you alright dear?” she checked.

“Hmm? Oh yeah thanks.”

“Still tired after the weekend?”

“Um, a bit maybe.”

She nodded, then remembered something and went to her bag which she had left near the door, pulling out an envelope which she passed over to Sebastian.

“Happy birthday,” she wished.

A smile broke over Sebastian's face as he took it.

“Oh you didn't need to.”

“Of course I did. It's only a card.”

Seb opened it and read the message inside, then leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Pauline laughed and shook her head.

“You'll be making me blush.”

“It's very kind of you.”

“Nonsense. I would have got you a present, but I hadn't the first idea what to get you.”

“You don't need to get me anything. You do plenty for us.”

“Well...”

Pauline just shrugged, but she noted the way Mark smiled at her for cheering Seb up and guessed that there was something going on that she was missing.

 

“Have you got any plans today then?” she enquired vaguely.

Sebastian was looking back at his card. He set it on the kitchen table before glancing at Mark, then back at Pauline.

“Umm, we've got another meeting this afternoon with the adoption agency people.”

“Oh I see,” nodded Pauline.

She caught Mark's eye and thought perhaps she understood now why Seb had seemed a little withdrawn.

“Well I'm sure it'll be fine,” she offered.

“Mm.”

“They told us they got your reference,” added Mark, “so thanks very much for that.”

“It's no trouble.”

“Thank you though,” contributed Seb. “We really appreciate it.”

“Well whatever I can do. Did you say you were going to have another house visit soon?”

“We're not sure when.”

“Okay well just let me know.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Oh you're managing to find things aren't you, with all our re-arranging?”

Pauline laughed.

“I'm playing hide and seek with the cleaning products, but don't worry about it.”

“Sorry, it's just they said we had to move things.”

“Of course. I'll get used to it, although how they think a baby could get past all those fiddly little catches in the first place I don't know.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I suspect they'll be better at it than us, but anyway it's just one job done.”

“Of course it is. Well I'm sure they'll be pleased to see all you're doing. Now, you get your breakfast and I'll get on.”

“We're going to take the dogs out after this,” explained Sebastian.

“Good idea. It's a beautiful morning out. Right, well I'll just be in the lounge. Oh and I put that throw and the cushion back in there.”

“Oh sorry,” apologised Mark, “we had them outside yesterday.”

“I guessed as much. We're really having some lovely weather lately. I hope it holds.”

“Me too. I need my dose of sunshine.”

“Don't we all dear?”

 

Pauline left them to get their food while she did her other jobs. They didn't spend long over breakfast, so within half an hour they were on their way out with the dogs, pausing only to say goodbye to Pauline.

“We'll probably take our time so you might be gone when we get back,” explained Mark.

“Ah right, well all the best for this afternoon.”

“Thanks. I'm sure it'll be fine,” he replied half for Seb's benefit.

“I'm sure it will,” she agreed, then looked to Seb. “No worrying about it, okay?”

Sebastian nodded, hoping it wouldn't be so obvious to the psychiatrist how much he worried.

  
  


Not long later they sat in their accustomed spot atop the hill, looking out over the slowly warming countryside while the dogs amused themselves running about. Sebastian took a deep breath as Mark turned to look at him.

“Right, so where do you want to start?” Mark asked.

Seb shrugged, wishing they didn't have to start with any of it.

“Start with the basic stuff and work our way up?” suggested Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

“Right then...”

Sebastian took a deep breath and they began, trying go everything they could think of that might come up, every worry and every fear. Neither of them were under the misapprehension that it was going to be easy whatever they did, but if they could make just a little bit less daunting, then that was something.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Although they had plenty of time, it still felt as though the morning went too quickly and before long they were getting ready to go and very soon they were back in the car-park of the council buildings where their adoption agency case-worker Rachel was based. They were early for the first of their appointments, but neither of them wanted to add any more stress to their day by potentially making themselves late and having to rush in.

“So do you want me to go first, or you?” asked Mark as they sat turned in to one another in the car.

Sebastian ran a hand through his hair. They'd already discussed this, but he couldn't decide which was worse: Going first and having to jump right in, then waiting on Mark whilst he took his turn; Or hanging around letting his fears build up, but at least being able to escape as soon as it was done. It felt like a lose-lose situation.

“I still don't know.”

“Maybe get it over with?” suggested Mark.

“Mm. I dunno.”

Mark reached over and took Seb's hand, knowing how nervous he was.

“We've got five minutes. Do you want to talk anything through?”

Seb shook his head, they'd been over and over everything. He took a deep breath and Mark squeezed his hand.

“It's going to be okay. You can do this, alright?”

Seb nodded and squeezed his hand back. If only Mark was going to be with him this would be so much better. He took deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Can we just sit here for a bit?” Sebastian requested.

“Sure.”

 

Mark rubbed his thumb over Seb's hand as they sat there quietly while the minutes ticked down. Eventually he gave his hand a pat, still trying to keep things light.

“We should make a move.”

“Okay.”

They got out of the car and Sebastian went to re-take hold of Mark's hand as they crossed the car-park. As they approached the front door of the building he paused and looked to Mark.

“I think first. If that's alright? I'm only going to build it up more.”

“That's fine.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Mark looked him in the eye.

“You're going to be fine. Just stay calm and think about your answer like you would in an interview, right?”

“Right.”

“You're a pro darling, you can do this.”

Sebastian nodded and took another deep breath before stepping decisively towards the doors and entering the building.

  
  


 

 

They were still slightly early, but they reasoned that looking keen was better than being late and having given their name at reception they sat in the waiting area several floors up outside Rachel's office for several minutes before she stepped out, accompanied by an older, professional-looking woman with steel grey hair in a neat shoulder-length bob.

“Mark, Seb, this is Dr Harford,” introduced Rachel, indicating each of them.

“Hi,” greeted Mark offering out his hand to be shaken.

Sebastian copied him.

“Hi.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” began the woman with a smile.

They both smiled back, knowing that even from the first moment they were being judged. Sebastian had agonised over what to wear. A suit felt far too formal, but their jeans and t-shirts they might usually wear on days off was too casual. Mark had pointed out that being comfortable was important, so in the end they had gone for variations on buttoned shirts and chinos, Mark picking a darker pair so they didn't look too similar. Thankfully this afternoon was a little breezier than the one before so it felt a touch cooler. Seb thought sweating through an interview wasn't likely to improve the situation when he was nervous enough already. They'd both shaved that morning and looked the epitome of the clean-cut couple, or at least he hoped they did.

 

“Good to meet you,” Seb replied, hoping he didn't sound either too enthusiastic or too nervous.

“Okay,” smiled Rachel, “so the office opposite is free for this afternoon which is handy, so whoever is going second can just wait here if you like and then we can have a quick catch up at the end if that's alright?”

“That's fine,” agreed Mark.

“Good. Now, which of you is going first?”

“Seb if that's okay?”

“That's fine I think,” agreed Rachel. “Dr Harford?”

“Either is fine. Right then, Seb if you'd like to come with me?”

Sebastian kept his smile pasted on, but it felt too soon to be diving right in. He wanted a hug from Mark to set him up as if he was about to go climb into the car for a race, but they couldn't really do that with an audience without revealing how anxious he really was. He caught Mark's eye who tried to look encouraging as the psychiatrist walked across to open another door off the waiting area and Seb followed, his stomach flipping inside.

  
  


Seconds later Seb was in another nondescript office and the door shut behind him, Mark blocked off from view. There was a desk over by the window, but as they were borrowing the space the woman took a seat at the low coffee table on one of the two hard-wearing sofas set either side. On the table there was already a jug filled with water and two glasses with a file lying alongside containing paperwork Sebastian knew was about them. The psychiatrist indicated over and he took a seat while she sorted herself out, picking up the file and pulling papers out which she attached to a clipboard. She tested out her pen to be sure it worked, then looked back up at him.

“Would you like a drink?” she offered.

Sebastian wasn't thirsty, but he knew such props were always useful, so he nodded and accepted the glass she poured.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Now, I think Rachel has explained this, but essentially we just have some standard questions to run through and just generally have a chat to gain a little more insight.”

“Sure.”

Seb knew that 'chat' was just a polite word for interview, but at least she was making an effort to be friendly and put him at ease. Somehow he had assumed that the psychiatrist would be male, though he didn't know if that was a sexist assumption, or just that he was used to Dr Menton. The woman looked down at her clipboard and Seb presumed she was reminding herself of the key questions she needed to include.

  
  


“So, well Seb, first off thanks for coming in today,” she commenced as she looked back up at him.

“No trouble, we're keen to do whatever we can to help this process.”

“I'm sure. Rachel told me that you have been very prompt in sorting out all your references and so on.”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, perhaps we should start with the basics. Now I've no doubt you have discussed this with Rachel already, but can I ask you what led you to want to adopt?”

Sebastian gave her his best smile. This was one of the questions he and Mark had been through and Mark had been right: even if it wasn't one of the toughest ones they anticipated, it did help have an idea of what to say.

“Well, we talked about it a lot, Mark and I. We want a family. I think we spent quite a bit of time with our family over the winter break and with the younger generation particularly and it made us think about our future.”

“And you see that future including a child?”

“Yes. That's what we want.”

“So had you been thinking about it for a long period of time?”

“Oh well I don't know, I think it's really more like we realised what it was we wanted.”

She nodded and made a few notes, then looked back at him.

“You wouldn't say you're rushing it?”

Seb's stomach clenched at the words.

“Sorry?”

“Well you've only been married for six months.”

Sebastian took a calming breath, hoping it didn't show.

“No we're not rushing anything. Mark and I have been together longer than that and we've known each other even longer. Maybe we haven't waited, but if you know what you want, I think you should just go for it.”

“Life is short?”

“Um, well yeah.”

“You suffered a serious accident last year. Does that perhaps colour your outlook?” proposed the psychiatrist.

Sebastian looked at her, realising that she had of course done her homework on him. It made him anxious for what else she would be bringing up, but for now he smiled and shrugged.

 

“Perhaps. It certainly teaches you that there is no point wasting time in life.”

Dr. Harford nodded and Seb was taken back to his sessions with Henry. He wondered if they were taught that sage nod as part of their training.

“Fair point. So do you feel your lifestyle has a strong effect on your attitude?” she asked.

“My lifestyle?”

“Well you are in a high-risk profession. How do you think that would impact on your ability to be a parent?”

“I don't know that it is that high-risk. I was unfortunate last year, but these days racing is far safer. There might be scrapes and minor crashes, but most times drivers walk away totally unharmed.”

“Okay, but in terms of if you add a child to that scenario?”

“Lots of children watch racing and it's all good fun for them. I don't think they consider the more serious side. I suspect that's really an adult's perspective,” Seb argued.

“Okay, but if for instance you crashed in a race and Mark was there looking after your child?”

“Then the child would be our priority. We have talked about this. It's not even certain Mark would travel with me if that's not what is best for the child. And okay, worst case scenario, something happened, then we'd shield them from that. It's not like he'd be watching a race in the garage.”

“I see. So you've made a plan then?”

“Well not specifically, but yeah he'd be in hospitality, so that's a safe environment, or back home, and really, I actually think something happening again is statistically less likely.”

“So you're not worried about it?”

“No.”

“Okay, well it's good that you have considered these issues.”

“We have. I know we have rather different careers, but in some ways I think it could be good. When we're not racing we actually have more time at home than most people and it's pretty rare that races clash, so even when Mark goes back to work there would still be at least one of us full-time parenting at any time and I think that would be good for a child. We wouldn't want a nanny or anything like that.”

  
  


The doctor made more notes and Sebastian sat there waiting, trying to stop himself running on justifying himself.

“Can I ask you what led you to decide that Mark would be the one to take a year out?”

Seb just gave a little shrug.

“It just made sense. I did offer, but we discussed it and, well Mark is older, he's retired from F1 and although his career in WEC is going great, he's been racing for a long time and he wouldn't mind taking a some time away from that. I would want to devote as much of my time as I can when I'm not working to being a parent as well though. That's what I want. To be honest if I could go part-time in my job I would do, but it's not an option.”

“You'd rather have more time at home?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian suddenly worried he was giving too much away, so he added; “but I think it'll be okay. I only race 20 weekends a year and we're home as much as possible. Almost four months of the year is off-season anyway, so that's quite a bit.”

“Indeed. Well I'm sure all parents seek a balance,” offered the woman.

“Yeah, that's what we want. Our home life means everything to us. We're nothing like you might imagine racing drivers are; We don't go partying or live the high life. We just like being home out in the country, walking the dogs and seeing family. We're very ordinary.”

“Your family live abroad, on both sides, do you see that as an issue?”

 

Sebastian couldn't help it showing on his face as he mooted that point. It wasn't actually something he and Mark had discussed seeing as they were so used to that being the norm.

“No. I guess we've just got used to hopping about on planes. It only takes a couple of hours to get to my parents.”

“You have a private plane?” she checked, consulting her notes.

“Um, no not exactly. We're hiring one at the moment to make life easier, but we don't own it.”

“I see.”

“I realise that makes us sound a bit different, but it's just to make life easier and so we get the maximum time at home.”

“And you plan to continue using it?”

“Um, yes, where appropriate. If we're travelling together or it's easier. Maybe not for long haul if we're on our own. We're just going to play it by ear, but it has been a big help lately.”

“Okay.”

She made more notes and Seb hoped they were positive ones. Surely wanting as much time at home as possible had to be good?

  
  


The psychiatrist looked at her sheet of what Seb guessed were questions, though he couldn't read them from the way she held her papers.

“Alright, so perhaps you could tell me a little bit about your relationship,” she prompted.

“With Mark?”

“Yes.”

“Umm what do you want to know?”

“Well how would you characterise it?”

Sebastian puffed a breath. Where to begin with a question like that?

“I um, well... it's good, great really. He's my other half, the most important person in the world to me. I don't know how we got by before we were together because it feels like we were always meant to be this way. We belong together.”

“You're very close?”

“Of course. He's my husband. We live our lives as one.”

“That's an interesting way of putting it,” she commented.

“Is it? I don't know, we just work as a pair. We make each other happy. We make each other laugh and we just enjoy each other's company. We travel to each other's races whenever we can and when we're home we prefer to spend our time doing things together.”

“Like what?”

Seb almost wanted to laugh, wondering if she was hinting at wanting to know more about their private life. He wasn't about to tell her about how much time they liked spending in bed.

“Like, um, just ordinary stuff: walking the dogs, watching films, cooking and eating together, training.”

“Training? You mean for your work?”

“Yeah, we run, we cycle, we have a gym and a pool at home. We have to stay fit for driving and it does take up quite a lot of our time, but we enjoy it. The countryside around us is perfect for it and we like to get out.”

“And if you had a child?”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head and a shrug.

“They'd be a part of that. You can get running buggies and child seats for the bikes, we'd teach them to swim. I think an outdoor active lifestyle would be good for a child,” he asserted.

“So you don't see yourself adapting your life?”

Sebastian frowned at her misinterpreting him.

“I think we'd be completely adapting our life. Our child would be our priority. We'd do whatever they need to keep them safe and happy. I don't think wanting to take them out to walk the dogs and stuff with us would be such a bad thing would it?”

“No I'm not saying that Seb, but you think you can continue doing what you do now?”

 

Sebastian wanted to sigh and puff a breath, but he remembered what Mark said about this being an interview and trying to project a good impression.

“I think we'd have our lives changed forever, but that's what we want; we want a family and we would do everything we could for them. Changing nappies, feeding them, looking after them, comforting them when they cry and everything else. We do understand what's involved. We get how much that will take from us. My sister had a baby a couple of months ago and talking to her and spending time with them, it does at least give us some idea, though I know you can't really know what it's like until it's you being woken up in the middle of the night.”

“So it's a baby that you want?”

Seb's mouth opened slightly as he realised he had got a bit carried away there when they hadn't actually had that discussion with Rachel yet. Only thing for it was to be honest.

“Well, yeah ideally. We know it's not that simple, but either way, an older child would still need a lot of care wouldn't they?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay, so we know we can't really appreciate how much that will take from us until we do it, but isn't that true of any new parent?”

The woman smiled and gave an acknowledging nod.

“It is.”

“Okay, so we'll adapt. If you want something bad enough you can adapt to anything.”

“Are you concerned about the strain it may put on your relationship?”

“No. Mark and I have a rock solid relationship. We love each other. We've not always had it easy, but we stick together, support each other and we always find a way through.”

“With regard to that then, you say you've not had the easiest time. Would you care to elaborate?”

 

Sebastian looked back at her, wishing he could say no, he really _wouldn't_ care to elaborate, but he couldn't do that. All he could do was try to direct it to slightly safer areas.

“Well as you mentioned, I had a bad accident last year and I was pretty ill for a while. I'm totally fine now, but it was tough while I made my recovery and Mark supported me completely. He paused his career then for a couple of months too in order to do that, so the fact he'd do the same again to look after a child, it's not such a change.”

 

“Regarding the accident you had, has that had a lasting affect on you?” she enquired.

“I made a good recovery. I was back racing within a couple of months.”

“I didn't mean so much physically.”

“Oh, well no I'm fine.”

“It's a traumatic event. That hasn't affected you?” pressed the psychiatrist.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder. In all honesty he wasn't sure whether his tendency to be prone to anxiety was really still an after-effect of the accident or if that was just how he had always been. He didn't think he was half as bad as he used to be.

“I don't know. I guess as I said earlier, maybe it's taught us not to waste time in life,” he offered.

“Mm, but not in other ways?”

“I'm not sure what you mean.”

“Well, it can put a strain on relationships, particularly if one person has to care for the other for an extended period of time.”

“Oh.” Seb smiled. “You don't know Mark. He's just naturally a very caring person, he'd never consider that an issue. He prefers being able to help. I mean sure it was a difficult time, but we got through it. It all seems a very long time ago now to be honest.”

 

“That isn't the only area where you've encountered difficulties though?” suggested the psychiatrist.

Seb felt his pulse pick up, but he was grateful once again that he and Mark had been through all this.

“No, but getting through them together has only made our relationship stronger,” he asserted.

 

If Seb had hoped she would leave it there he was mistaken, as she consulted her notes, then looked back at him.

“Your difficulties have been rather high-profile,” she commented.

Sebastian tried not to bristle at that. It didn't seem a very kind thing to mention and he wasn't sure precisely what she was getting at, but just as Britta always advised in interviews, he wasn't about to hand her anything he didn't have to.

“Mm,” he responded blankly.

“How do you feel being so high-profile in the media would affect a child.”

“We have no intention of letting the media anywhere near our child.”

“But how would you ensure that?”

Sebastian paused as he composed his answer.

“Well to be honest the level of interest has been getting less and less. It's only really when we're at races and though we have to do media work for our jobs, we try to keep it about our work, not personal.”

“It doesn't always work out that way.”

“Well we have PR teams to help us. We'd make it very clear that our family is off limits. They have ways of imposing that.”

“Such as?”

“Giving interviews and access only to those who comply. Making the rules clear from the start and sticking to them. We'd take out one of those protective court orders to prevent the press printing any pictures of our child.”

“So you've thought that through then?”

“Yeah. We'd be very careful about it. There's no way we'd expose a child to the media in any way. Our main job is to protect them. That's the whole point of being a parent.”

“Okay, but away from that?”

“What do you mean?” asked Seb.

“Aside from media to do with your racing, I mean the more general headlines.”

Seb wanted to sigh and say he couldn't control them, but he guessed that was her point.

“That's really died down. It was just the novelty I think.”

“You don't think they'd be interested in this?”

Sebastian suspected the media would be all _too_ excited at the idea of him and Mark adopting a child together, but he didn't want to say that.

“As I say we wouldn't permit any media intrusion. We live far out in the countryside. When we're home nobody pays us any attention.”

“So the level of media interest doesn't affect you?”

Sebastian puffed a breath. He couldn't outright lie.

“Well we'd prefer not to have it, but it's getting less. I think they just got a bit over-excited at the start, but we're moving on now.”

  
  


The psychiatrist did her standard nod, giving him nothing and making more notes.

“Okay, so with regard to some of the matters the press took so much interest in, and I'm sorry to have to ask you to talk about this, but you say they're all in the past?” she persisted.

“Sure.”

“I was thinking particularly regarding some stories regarding trouble you may have had with a past relationship.”

Sebastian felt his skin jump. If this question had come out of the blue without their preparation Seb knew he would be panicking now, but he knew he just had to stay calm, give the answer she needed and show her how unaffected he really was. He reminded himself not to over-react, thinking of Mark's warm voice telling he could handle this. He _could_ handle this.

“Well I don't know about stories. I try not to read press about me. They're prone to exaggeration if they're based on truth at all.”

“So you're saying they aren't true?”

Sebastian had his hands casually together in his lap. He now dug a nail into the skin hidden from view.

“What isn't true?” he challenged, trying to sound as if it was an open question.

“That a former partner became obsessive and stalked you.”

 

Sebastian felt his pulse shoot up, but he did everything he could not to let it show.

“He was never a partner,” he clarified, trying to sound matter-of fact and not as if the suggestion made him think of all the ways Heikki had been so far removed from that title.

“Okay, but the rest?” pressed the psychiatrist.

The long-sleeved shirt he was wearing suddenly felt far too warm, Seb could feel a flush of heat in his skin, but he knew he mustn't show it. He had to be calm, glacially calm, like an iceberg where only the surface showed and everything underneath was hidden from view.

“It's all in the past,” he tried.

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“And you don't fear a reoccurrence?”

“No. I don't know what you've read, so I can't comment on that, but as I say, the press like to make a story.”

Sebastian looked the psychiatrist in the eye, trying his best to look unaffected. He wondered if she could read the fear in his eyes that she would push further and force him to talk about Heikki when for all his and Mark's discussions on how to handle it, Seb wasn't at all sure he could do so without showing how weak a spot it was with him.

“Is it true that he stalked you?” pressed the woman.

Despite everything he tried, Seb could feel his blood rushing around too fast, too hot under the skin. He could see the veins in his hands starting to stand out and Seb wondered if she could see the same thing: his body betraying the emotions he was trying to hide. He needed some air and to be with Mark. He wanted to flee the room and go home, but if he fell now all their hopes could be dashed. Seb knew he had to be strong and push through somehow.

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“I see. The stories said that he followed you to races. Is that also true?”

Sebastian nodded, having pre-agreed with Mark that though they might avoid difficult topics if possible, they had to answer straight questions.

“It also stated he came to your house,” she continued.

 

His heartrate was getting worse and Seb could feel himself beginning to sweat. He wanted to ask her how she could ask these things so coldly when surely she must know it was distressing? It felt as though she was cruelly prodding an old wound. Sebastian thought of these things so rarely these days he had almost forgotten how much it hurt.

“Yeah.”

“So that's true then?”

“Yeah.”

“That must have been very difficult to deal with,” she posited.

“Mm.”

“Both the incidents and the media coverage.”

Sebastian gave a little shrug and she looked at him more closely.

“As I understand it, the newspaper articles said that the incidents they described occurred a year before they revealed it,” she noted.

“Yeah.”

“So that's correct then?”

“Yes.”

 

Sebastian brain was whirring as he tried to deal with handling the situation and at the same time analyse whether or not his answers qualified as the truth. Strictly speaking the stalking could be said to have continued seeing as Heikki had followed him to his home only six months ago, but that wasn't the question she had asked, not exactly. Somehow focussing on the detail of the quandary served as distraction enough to keep him going.

“But it was still upsetting?” she persisted.

Sebastian sighed.

“Of course it was.”

“And if he wasn't a partner, can I ask what was your relationship with him?” she pushed.

Sebastian wanted to say she was asking anyway, but he took a calming breath and willed his body to obey his mind and settle down so he could give the answers he needed to.

“He was my trainer.”

“Just that?”

He wanted to ask how she had a right to ask such an intrusive question, but Seb knew she could ask them anything and there was nothing he could do but find a way to reply.

“It was complicated,” he allowed.

“A boyfriend?”

“No, not that.”

“But the lines got blurred?” she recalled from what she had read and guessing it was true from his reaction.

“I guess.”

“The papers reported that you fired him and that was what provoked the stalking,” she stated.

Sebastian puffed a breath, trying to make it look as though he was merely thinking of an answer when he was really attempting to use the action to steady himself. He didn't think she had a right to interrogate him like this, but there was nothing he could do except try to handle it.

“I don't know. You'd have to ask him.”

“Do you blame yourself for what happened?”

Seb's mouth opened as he reeled at those words.

“What do you mean?” he managed, his blood jumping in his veins.

“Did you feel it was your fault sacking him that led to these incidents occurring?”

 

Seb felt as if the ground dropped away beneath him at that. The words echoed in his brain. _His fault._ All his fault. Everything was his fault. Heikki telling him that again and again. Hurting him and then telling him how Seb was to blame for provoking him. Taunting Seb for it, telling him how he must do things on purpose because it was what he really wanted, seeing as he knew he deserved to be hurt after all. Hearing those words over and over until they burrowed into his brain and Seb believed them to be true.

But countering voices were in his head too: Mark's voice, strong and insistent, telling him it _wasn't_ his fault, none of it was his fault. He wasn't to blame, _Heikki_ was to blame. Heikki had manipulated him in order to control him and to keep him in his power.

He didn't have power over him anymore though. It wasn't true what he had said. It wasn't his fault. It was Heikki's fault because he was a sick and twisted individual.

Henry's voice arguing the same point, talking him through it in their sessions all that time ago, slowly working to undo all the damage Heikki had done as Seb rebuilt himself from the inside out. He'd worked so hard to move on, to be stronger, to leave his part behind. Seb knew he couldn't crumble now and let all that work be undone.

 

“It wasn't my fault.”

 

Sebastian didn't know how his voice sounded as he made that come out, if it was weak or strong, anxious or unwavering. He was only glad he had made it come out at all. The psychiatrist was staring at him and Seb was desperate to know what she was thinking, whether she could read him and know that there was so much more to that, but surely she couldn't know? None of the few people in the world who Seb had told the truth to would ever break their promises to keep his secret, and only Mark and Henry knew the full story. Only the three of them knew... the four of them.

“I wasn't saying it was Seb. I was asking how you felt about it,” she clarified.

Sebastian took a deep breath to steady himself and spoke evenly in reply.

“Then no, I don't blame myself for what happened. He was a person with problems.”

“I see. And he is no longer causing problems for you?”

“No. He lives in another country. In Finland, so...” Sebastian shook his head. “It's in the past.”

“Okay. I'm sorry Seb. I realise that it must be difficult to talk about, but it's my job to ask difficult questions.”

Seb nodded and took a drink of water to settle himself, relieved that his hand didn't shake as he did so. He was just thinking what he could say to steer things away to a safer area when the woman made another note and moved on, as if it was just another question to tick off her list.

 

“Okay, what about the amount of coverage there was regarding your relationship with Mark?”

Seb shrugged, more relieved than he wanted to let on that she was asking about a different matter. He knew he just had to move on as she was in order to get through this.

“As I said before; novelty value. I think they're over that now.”

 

She made more notes and Sebastian wondered what else she was going to delve into. He felt as though he had dodged a bullet regarding her pushing further on Heikki, but then it occurred to Seb that there had only been the one or two stories about that and they didn't know about the incident last November. She wasn't to know it was so much more serious than him following Seb about a bit a couple of years back. He certainly wasn't going to tell her more than he had to.

“Alright, well moving on to taking on a potential new role as an adoptive parent. How do you think that would be for you?”

“Good. It's what we want.”

“Uh huh, and what about in terms of being a homosexual couple as parents?”

Sebastian looked at her, close to dropping his jaw at such a blunt question, but he recovered himself.

“I just think we're the same as any other couple. We love each other, we're totally committed and we would be the same with our child. We'd just be an ordinary family.”

“You don't think it would have any affect on the child?”

Sebastian wanted to glare at her, but he fought the urge and shook his head.

“I think a child needs a safe home, loving parents who care about them and provide for them. I think they need opportunities to thrive and to feel secure. I don't think the gender of the parents comes into it, or their sexuality, or anything like that. I don't think a child would care as long as they were happy.”

 

The psychiatrist nodded her head and Sebastian couldn't help himself voicing the thought in his head.

“I thought we were treated the same in this process?”

She looked at him directly.

“You are. I was just interested in your opinion on the issue. How for instance would you feel if there were stories in the media, perhaps expressing a different opinion?”

“I wouldn't read it.”

“Okay and if you encountered people in day-to-day life who disapproved?”

Sebastian opened his mouth and she held up a hand to continue her point.

“Believe me this is not to say that someone _ought_ to behave in that way, but unfortunately we know life isn't perfect.”

  
Sebastian shrugged.

“Most people I've met in real life are far kinder than the media seem to think. We've actually encountered very little prejudice. Where we live everyone has only ever been friendly and welcoming. They really don't bat an eyelid. Maybe we're lucky, I don't know, but we live in the countryside where I think people just want to get along. If we go into the village to the coffee shop or the post office or the doctors' or whatever, really it's fine. They don't care. It's the twenty-first century, I think people are more accepting than you might imagine.”

“That's good to hear, so you don't envisage problems?”

“No.”

“And for a child growing up, say at school. You don't think they'd encounter issues?”

Seb frowned at that.

“I hope not. I think children reflect the views of those around them. They aren't born with prejudices. We'd talk to the school, make sure they kept a close eye on it, but no I don't anticipate it, certainly not when they're young. I know when you get to high school kids can be a bit more trouble, but hopefully as time goes on attitudes change.”

“You can only hope.”

“Yeah and we'd make sure they were brought up to be confident and hopefully resilient enough to stand up to any off comment they might hear. I'd hope a school would educate the children to be accepting.”

“Okay.”

 

The psychiatrist made more notes and scanned over her question prompts before looking back at Sebastian.

“What about more generally being adoptive parents. Do you think you would have any issues bonding with a child that wasn't your own?”

“But they _would_ be ours. That's the whole point,” he argued.

“You feel strongly about that?”

“Yes. They'd be our child. That's how we see it.”

“Okay, what about that in terms of the child? Would you tell them they were adopted if perhaps you did end up with a baby who wouldn't know any different?”

“Yes we'd tell them from the start.”

“You've discussed that?”

“Yeah. The only way to be is to be honest. We're always honest in our relationship, Mark and I that is. The way we see it, that's the only way you can trust someone. I think if you just make it an ordinary fact of life, then a child would accept that. Everything I've read has said that's preferable to it coming as a shock later on.”

“You've been reading up then?”

“Trying to yeah. Anyway as you've noted, they're going to have gay parents. At some point I think they'd click that the stork didn't bring them.”

The woman smiled despite herself.

“Fair point. Alright, well it's good that you have already thought about that.”

“Thanks. We are doing everything we can. We've told Rachel we'll do any kind of parenting classes or anything else they suggest to help. We've been trying to improve our home to make it more child-proof. We'll do whatever it takes.”

“You sound very determined.”

“Shouldn't we be?”

“Of course. How would you feel though if you weren't approved for adoption?”

 

Sebastian looked at her suddenly feeling almost more upset at that comment than her mentions of his past. His mouth ran on really before he had chance to think too much about his response.

“We'd be devastated honestly. We just need a break. We could be such a good family. I know it. When I look into the future that's always what I see; me and Mark and us home with our child. I've never wanted anything like this, not in my career for sure. This is completely different.”

“You've set your heart on it.”

Sebastian nodded, fighting harder at keeping his emotions in check than he had the whole time he was in here. Apparently he wasn't doing as good a job at hiding it as hoped. She paused as she appraised him.

“I'm sorry, I'm sure it's an emotional issue for you,” she apologised.

Sebastian remembered the water in front of him and picked up the glass to take a sip to give himself a moment to recover.

“Yeah. Sorry. I care a lot about this. It feels like we spend all our available time working towards it and the idea that we might not get there...”

Seb shook his head, unable to complete that sentence. He took another sip of water, then set the glass down.

“Sorry, I'm okay.”

 

He gave her a smile to demonstrate that he really was okay, hoping she wouldn't be making notes about what an emotional basket-case he was. Sebastian thought how this psychiatrist must have read the report from Dr Menton and he wondered what precisely had gone into that report in the end and what she had taken from it. The main word Seb could remember Henry using was resilience. He had to make sure he lived up to the praise Henry had given him.

“You're alright to continue?” she checked.

“Sure.”

“Okay, I was wondering if you had given a lot of thought about how you would want to bring up a child?”

“In what sense?”

“Well, do you see yourself as a very strict parent, laid-back, hands-on..?”

Sebastian frowned slightly.

“I'm not sure how to answer that. We'd just do our best. I know children need to understand right from wrong, but I don't think strict is the word, we'd just try to set a good example, make sure they knew the boundaries and how to behave so they treated others with respect and that they respected themselves. We'd want them to have every opportunity in life, but I don't think we'd spoil them. We just want an ordinary family life at home. They'd go to the school in the village, spend time with our families and with us as much as possible.”

“So you've already planned what school they'd go to?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Yeah. I don't know, maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves, but you can't help thinking things through and imagining how it would be.”

“How do you think your own childhood influences your thoughts on this?” she enquired.

“Well I had a pretty ordinary childhood, an ordinary family. I went to the local schools and yeah, so maybe that influences me. We might have money, but I wouldn't want us to really be any different.”

“Did you have an ordinary childhood though?”

 

The prickles went up on Seb's skin and he was glad they were hidden under the long cotton sleeves of his shirt.

“Yes, pretty much.”

“But you raced from a very early age.”

“Yeah.”

“Would you want something like that for your child?”

“No.”

Sebastian was surprised by how forcefully that came out. The psychiatrist raised her eyebrows and Seb worried whether he had messed up.

“I just mean it was good for me in terms of the fact I wanted to race, but perhaps being so, well, so set on your future so young... I would want a child of ours to have a broader outlook and a more ordinary childhood, just school and family and having fun, you know, just being a kid.”

“So not modelled on your own childhood?”

“Not in that particular regard.”

“Did you have a happy childhood?”

“Yes,” replied Seb thinking that that childhood might have ended too soon, but until he'd hit his teens he really had been happy most of the time. It was only after that point things went wrong.

“How is your relationship with your family?”

“Good.”

“Do you see much of them?”

“As much as I can. We visit, they visit us. We have to fit it around racing, but yeah we do our best and apart from that we call and text and stuff. It's actually a lot better in recent years.”

“You mean it wasn't before?”

“No, just... I was perhaps too dedicated to my career. I see more of the bigger picture these days. There's much more to life than racing and it's really nice now Mark is a part of my family. My family are a great support, Mark's too, they're fantastic and they've welcomed me into their family too which just makes everything so much easier somehow.”

“And they're supporting you in this process.”

“Yes. They wrote our references to help us.”

 

Sebastian was tempted to ask if she had read them. He thought she must have done and though he had no doubt that all their family would have written nice things about them, Seb was intrigued to know what they had written. He could ask them, but somehow it felt wrong to.

“Our families are very supportive, my mother has already offered to babysit if we ever needed it.”

“Even though she lives in another country?”

“Yeah. I don't mean for a night out, we don't really do that anyway. I mean say if we had work commitments that clashed, not that I think that would be often, but if it happened, yeah she'd come over and I know Mark's parents want to visit. We're having a barbecue, like a big gathering of sorts in the summer with all our family staying, which we're looking forward to. I think perhaps if you travel as we do for work then you don't regard distance in quite the same way.”

“I see. Very well. So you'd want them to be a part of a child you adopted's life?”

“Of course. They'd be their grandparents and our sisters and my brother, all our family, they'd be their family. It might be a bit more of an effort to see them than if they lived around the corner, but we'd do it and I know they're just as keen. They were all so happy when we told them.”

“Well that's good to hear.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

 

“Okay.”

The woman looked over her notes and then back at Sebastian.

“Perhaps you could tell me why you think you might be well-suited to being a parent?”

Seb let out a little puff of air. That seemed a tough question to answer. He was used to thinking of all his flaws and short-comings, not the opposite. Sebastian tried to think what Mark might say about him.

“I guess I've always been good with kids. I used to like looking after my little brother when he was small, he's eleven years younger than me you see. He's still just a teenager and he's been to stay a couple of times, so I guess that still counts really. Oh and I often see kids at racing events, you know signings and so on, and I think I've always got on well with them. I have a new baby niece now as well and I've loved spending time with her.”

Dr Harford nodded and Sebastian was encouraged to go on.

“And um, I just think I have a lot of love to give to a child, both of us do.”

“You and Mark?”

“Yes. I think we'd be good parents.”

“So can you give me some more characteristics that you think you might possess to that end?” she persisted.

Sebastian racked his brain, finding this harder to answer than he suspected she could imagine.

“I don't know, um, I guess I'm hard-working and when I commit to something I really commit to it. I keep trying and I don't give up when things get tough, neither of us do. I'm sure that's important. Other than that, um, well I suppose I've had to become more resilient at dealing with challenges in life, I think that must be a good thing.”

He dried up, floundering around in his head trying to think of anything he could say, and the psychiatrist seemed to take pity on him.

“Perhaps you could suggest some qualities in Mark that you think would make him a good parent?”

 

Sebastian sat up a little straighter without realising it.

“Oh, well yeah Mark will be a wonderful father. He's so kind, really he's the kindest, most thoughtful person I've ever known and he's a very gentle person. I know he looks like this big tough guy, but he's not really like that. It's more that he's strong but he doesn't feel the need to prove that. He's very protective too. I know he'd take such good care of our child. Mark's always so selfless. He didn't think twice before offering to take time out from his career for paternity leave when it seemed the most logical option. He's very straight-forward like that, it's just his personality; Mark's straight down the line honest, so you always know where you are with him and you can trust him completely. I think someone so dependable would be very important to a child, particularly if they're adopted and they need to feel extra secure. Mark would never let them down. Neither would I hopefully, but I just mean there's this sense you get with Mark; he's solid. He's my rock and I'm sure he'd be the same for a child. He'll be such a good dad. I just know it.”

The woman sat opposite him hid her smile at hearing Sebastian run on like that. He seemed to light up and sounded more confident than he had at any other point.

“You think a great deal of him,” she noted.

A small furrow appeared between Seb's brows at the idea that could be questioned.

“Of course I do. I love him. Mark's my husband. There's no one more important to me.”

“And if you had a child?”

“Well then it would be the three of us. I don't think love is something you only have a limited amount of to share. Besides it's a very different kind of love you have for your child isn't it?”

“Of course,” she concurred.

“And they give you love in return. I think it would only be better. I know that's an idealistic view and everyone has tough times, but if you're family you support each other through that.”

 

“Okay, so here's a question for you then Seb: Where do you see yourself in twenty years time?”

Seb's eyes widened. That wasn't a query he or Mark had anticipated.

“Umm, gosh, I have to be honest I've not thought about it. Twenty years? Well, I'd hope if we're successful I guess we'd have a teenager by then.” He paused for a moment trying to imagine having a teenage child. It seemed too remote to really picture. “And we wouldn't be driving, we'd have retired, so we would have a lot more time for family which would be good.”

“Do you have an idea when you would retire from racing? I can't say I know a lot about that sort of thing, but you'd only be in your forties.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Oh racing is a young person's game. F1 certainly. Very very few go into their forties these days. I don't think I'd be racing another ten years even. Mark is in WEC, that's Endurance racing which is slightly different, and people do go on longer with that, so it's possible we'd retire around the same time even though he's older.”

“You wouldn't want to go on driving?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No when I leave F1 that'll be it for me. I'm not interested in any other kind of racing. I don't know, I might find something else to do, but I'm not sure what. If we hopefully have a family then it would be good to be able to give them more time, all of us I mean really, Mark and me too, all of us just having more time together. I think that would be nice.”

“You still want to race now though?” enquired the psychiatrist, picking up something in his tone.

Seb paused. Sometimes there were times he questioned it, but the idea of _not_ racing was so strange it seemed impossible to imagine when it had been his whole life.

“Yeah. I feel like I still have things I want to achieve,” he asserted. “I've devoted most of my life to getting to race and I know I've had some success, but I feel like I'm not finished yet. When I had my accident it was what kept me going, apart from Mark I mean, the thought of getting racing again. It's not the only thing in my life anymore and if we had a child that would be even less so, but for now, yeah I still want to race. I don't know, perhaps I might have to re-evaluate things when we have different priorities.”

“You might decide to give it up?”

Sebastian breathed out as he considered that.

“I will at some point anyway, less than ten years for sure. Mark was thirty-seven when he retired from F1, but I'm not sure I'd go that long. I guess we'll just have to see. If it was what was best for our family I don't think I'd hesitate, but a parent having a fulfilling career, as long as they're getting enough of your time then I don't think that's a bad thing.”

“No of course not.”

Sebastian let out a breath and looked at the psychiatrist wishing he could ask her what opinion she was forming of him. Dr Menton at least gave him more back than this when they had sat together and had offered advice to help him. This woman was like a blank screen, merely making her notes and asking more questions.

 

“How are you finding this process? she asked.

Sebastian frowned a little, wondering what she meant by that, he guessed she wasn't referring to this particular interview. He didn't think 'horrible' was an answer that would do their case any favours.

“Well, um, I don't know, I think we're doing our best with it,” he offered.

“Yes but how are you finding it? It can be very stressful to come under such scrutiny.”

Sebastian took in a breath and thought how upset he had got a few days ago just thinking about this interview, but so far apart from a couple of dodgy moments, he had been getting through it at least, even if he knew he had been holding back a lot. Seb didn't like feeling as though he was lying, but giving this woman the full truth would be to condemn himself and destroy all their chances.

“Um, yeah it's okay as long as we feel we're making progress. I guess it's a bit hard that you don't really know how you're doing. You just have to hope it's okay and you're getting somewhere. Obviously it helps that Mark and I are working together on this. We know what we want and we're willing to do whatever it takes to get it. I suppose it is tough to be under such scrutiny, but as long as we're getting somewhere then that's okay. We know it's important that you are sure a child is going to a good home. I hope we are showing that.”

 

The woman gave a neutral nod and made more of her notes. Seb wished she would at least say that he _was_ doing some good to their cause here, but it seemed that wasn't how this all worked. She couldn't know what torture it was to sit in such limbo, not knowing if each response improved or worsened their chances. She completed her notes and looked up at him.

“Right, well thank you.”

Sebastian looked at her.

“Is that it?” he let out in surprise, not meaning to sound so direct.

“Yes thank you. I will speak with Mark and then make my report to your case worker,” she explained.

“Okay, um, thanks.”

She put down her notes on the seat beside her where they were too far away read and set the pen on top before giving him a professional smile as she rose and offered out a hand to shake. Seb shook it, trying not to show how relieved he was to be escaping.

“If you could tell Mark I just need a few moments?” she requested.

“Sure. Thanks then.”

 

Seb gave her a nod before turning to leave, schooling his face not to show too much relief in his expression that his ordeal was over. He really had no idea what impression he had made on her. The best he could take from it was that he hadn't entirely fallen apart, though whether she was a good enough psychiatrist to see beyond his mask, Sebastian could not know.

  
  


  
  


 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there, we go, Mark's part to follow.
> 
> I don't know how soon seeing as I have a hideous day lined up tomorrow with a big course assessment thingymajig where I'm basically observed and assessed. So to say I'm nervous is an understatement.
> 
> Anyway, hope you get chance to read and thought it was okay. All positive reinforcement appreciated right now!


	144. Opaque

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is the second part of their interviews. Sorry for the delay. Bonkers week & I'm knackered.
> 
> Let's see how Mark gets on...

* * *

 

 

Sebastian went to the door and stepped out as the woman went back to tidy up her notes and prepare for her next interview. As he walked into the waiting area Mark leapt up from his seat to meet him. He looked past Seb to see the door closed behind him.

“She said she'll just be a minute,” explained Sebastian.

“Right. Are you okay? How did it go?” asked Mark quietly.

“Yeah, not fun, but... I don't know.” He let out a long breath. “I guess I got through it.”

“Course you did.”

Mark smiled and pulled him into a hug, Sebastian letting out a long sigh as he hugged him back.

“I'm glad it's done,” he admitted.

“Yeah.”

They both took a moment to appreciate the hug, relief on both sides that Seb seemed okay. Seb took in a deep breath, then stood back.

“Thanks for letting me go first. Mostly she asked what we thought, about why we want to adopt and if we thought we be good and about our jobs and stuff.”

“Okay,” nodded Mark. “She didn't push too hard?”

Seb puffed a breath and looked at him.

“She brought up the stuff in the papers. Even the stalking,” he whispered, worried that they might be overheard.

Mark frowned and replied equally quietly.

“Are you alright?”

“I think so. If we hadn't talked stuff through I don't know how I'd have coped.”

“But you did, right?”

“I think I got away with it.”

Mark huffed a little dry laugh.

“Darling it's not getting away with it. That's showing her what steel you've got inside.”

“I don't think she realised what it really meant.”

“The stuff in the papers?”

“Yeah.”

“No well she wouldn't would she?”

“Guess not.”

Seb sighed and Mark gave his arm a rub.

“Are you sure you're okay?” Mark checked.

Sebastian nodded and Mark nodded encouragingly back.

“I've no doubt you impressed her,” he asserted, trying to keep things positive.

“Hmm.”

“You will have. You always do. It's done with now, so forget it.”

“Yeah okay.”

 

“You could go out and get some fresh air for a bit,” suggested Mark.

Sebastian shook his head and looked at the Kindle Mark had put down on the chair.

“I'll just have a read.” He checked at his watch. “We weren't quite as long as I thought. She just whizzed on from one question to the next.”

“Well that's good. Better to get through it.”

Mark looked over Seb's shoulder to the closed door and puffed a breath.

“My turn then.”

Sebastian gave him a smile and a nod.

“You'll be fine,” he encouraged.

Mark flicked his eyebrows up and was about to comment on that when the door in the background began to open.

“Once more unto the breach,” whispered Mark.

Sebastian quirked a smile and stood away as Mark turned to meet the psychiatrist coming out to greet him.

“Mark, if you'd like to come through. Thank you for waiting.”

“No problem.”

 

He stepped through the door after her and it shut once more behind him. Seb looked at it for a moment, then sat down where Mark had been, picking up the e-reader and smiling to see that Mark had been passing the time waiting by reading his baby books. He pressed to bookmark where Mark was up to, then found another one to read. That hadn't been a pleasant experience, but he had survived it. If it helped get them closer to their goal of having a family then it had to be worth it.

  
  


  
  


Mark ran through most of the same questions Seb had answered, not knowing if they were exactly the same or if the notes she had on her sheet altered. He hoped that his replies were sufficiently different to Seb's that it wouldn't be obvious that they had rehearsed this. Mark tried to sound relaxed and casual, hoping he came over as natural despite the strange situation. He gave the best answers he could think of as to their motivation behind wanting to adopt and how he thought they would cope, reacting much as Seb had to the idea that as gay parents they would be any different. Mark thought he had managed not to sound too defensive on that matter, even if he did think it was off to ask the question in the first place. He hoped he was managing to paint a positive view of their relationship and how he thought they could benefit a child coming to be a part of their family, though as Seb had, he found it strange to get so little response from the woman before she raced on to her next question as if she was on a deadline.

 

“So it was your partner who first wanted to adopt?”

“Husband,” adjusted Mark.

“Forgive me, your husband,” allowed the psychiatrist.

Mark gave a nod. He knew he shouldn't have corrected her and that it was potentially rude, but he couldn't stop himself. Seb wasn't just his partner. Partner wasn't enough. It was important to Mark that Seb was his husband, his official family and he wanted that to be clear when he dealt with any kind of authority.

He puffed a little breath, keeping himself cool in his response. Perhaps he shouldn't have let that detail slip, but when he had described how they had come to their decision, Mark couldn't help but be honest.

“I guess he raised the issue.”

“And you needed persuading?”

Mark looked at her directly. That sounded awful. It wasn't like that. He couldn't allow her to go away with that kind of impression.

“No, nothing like that. Seb didn't persuade me, it's just I hadn't considered it before, but then before Seb really came into my life I'd never considered getting married either. I had an entirely different perspective on things and I had no idea what was really possible. He opened my eyes to the world, to new possibilities. All I needed was him to help me allow myself to imagine those new possibilities and I knew we wanted the same thing.”

Mark smiled and huffed a little laugh.

“Seb really an incredible person you know. Everything he's been through and he's still so positive. He's like this ray of sunshine. He _hopes_ you see. I think that's it, even when things are tough Seb hopes for the future.”

Mark's expression seemed to drift as he thought more of the person on the other side of the door than the one opposite him, then he remembered her question and realised he had better make things clear.

“Look, sure it was Seb's idea and I hadn't considered it before, but once I did, I knew just as he did that it was right, that it was meant to be our future.” He nodded firmly as if confirming it in his own head. “We're meant to have a family, and once I realised that, well, I just knew we had to do everything we can to make it happen. I think the fact I never allowed myself to imagine having a family before, it just means I want it all the more now it's a possibility.”

“So you want the same things in life?”

“Yeah, absolutely. I think it helps that we've got so much in common. It means we really know where the other person is coming from and we have such a long history together. We just get each other, you know? We don't have to explain, we just understand. So that's a big help.”

 

The woman nodded and looked down at her clipboard.

“Would you say that's true of the less positive aspects as well?”

“What do you mean?”

“The closeness you describe between you and your husband. It helps when times have been difficult?”

Mark noticed the way she carefully used the correct term this time and wondered if he had sounded annoyed when she had failed to before. Perhaps he was too sensitive about it?

“Of course. I suppose in a way those difficult times helped forge that closeness. It's always been a little bit of the two of us against the world,” he confessed.

“You think other people don't understand what you have?”

Mark looked at her, wondering where she had picked that up from his comments. It was fairly accurate he had to admit.

“Perhaps. I don't know. I mean of course other couples have close relationships too and plenty of people have been through tough experiences together. I'm not claiming we're unique.”

“But you are different though.”

Mark shrugged.

“I guess. Hard to argue we're not I suppose.”

“The level of media interest alone has to be a factor,” suggested the psychiatrist.

“Mm.”

“So how have you found handling the media intrusion into your lives?” enquired the psychiatrist.

Mark puffed a breath.

“Yeah it's not great obviously, but it's not as bad as it was these days. Last year was tough on Seb especially seeing as he's higher profile in F1, but we got through it and it pretty much feels like we're out the other side now.”

“And do you have concerns on that issue with regard to if you had a child? How would you shield them from that?”

“Well we'd do everything we can to protect them. We're not going to let the press anywhere near our kid, not a chance. Hopefully the PR teams we work with as part of our driving would do most of the work on that front. They can be pretty tough operators themselves you know,” Mark explained.

“Okay, and do you think that would be sufficient?”

Mark opened out his hands.

“We'd do whatever it takes.”

“And if stories were printed regarding your family?”

“Well like I say, we'd do everything we can to prevent that and if they were, well we'd take advice on what we can do. I guess if it's just basic stuff about us adopting there's not a lot you can do, but if it's going too far then we'd threaten to prosecute.”

“Do you consider yourself to have strong protective instincts when it comes to your family?”

Mark looked her dead in the eye.

“Yes.”

“It must have been upsetting when there were stories, mostly about Sebastian in the papers last year?”

 

Mark found his jaw setting slightly, though he did his best not to answer as aggressively as he would like to.

“Yes it was, far worse for him of course, but yeah. Some aspects of the press particularly really went too far. They don't seem to have much concern for those they write about, even when it is only gossip.”

“And that gossip is hurtful?”

“Yes.”

“So how did you deal with it?”

Mark puffed out air.

“The practical side, like I say, our PR teams and legal from RedBull trying to show them they can't get away with stuff.”

“And the personal side?”

“We try not to read it, but yeah it's not great.”

“It's upsetting?”

“You'd have to be inhuman for it not to be. We got through it though. Seb's far tougher than he looks.”

“And what about you?”

“Me? Well I just did all I could to support him.”

“It didn't upset you as well?”

“Of course it did.”

“What about the incidents reported in the papers regarding the stalking Seb suffered?”

“What about them?” replied Mark, keeping his voice deliberately even.

“Were you with Seb at the point they occurred?”

“Yes. Well, I mean technically it's more of a blurry line with how our relationship developed, but yes, essentially we were together then.”

“And you supported him through it.”

“Yeah of course I did, but Seb did all the hard work. As I said he's a tough little...” Mark looked up at her and stopped himself using the word he was about to. “...soul. Anyway, it's in the past.”

 

The psychiatrist nodded, noting that they had both used the same phrase to emphasise that. While she scribbled her observations down, Mark sat there thinking how today was another case in point where Seb had showed his toughness. Mark hoped he was okay sat waiting outside. He had seemed reasonably okay when he had emerged from his interview which had been a relief when Mark had spent the previous hour worrying about how he was getting on. Even if he had faith in Sebastian's abilities, he didn't know how hard they would be pushed today, particularly on those areas where Seb remained vulnerable.

Maybe he would have been better going to sit outside rather than waiting in that stuffy ante-room? Seb could have just sat in the car with the doors open and the radio on, then Mark could have called him to let him know he was done and to pop back up. He wasn't entirely convinced Seb was altogether quite as okay as he claimed. Even if his interview had gone okay, it was bound to have been stressful. Mark hoped Sebastian wouldn't have too long to wait on his own out there before they could be done and go home to do something nice to get it out of their system.

 

“And did it affect you too?”

Mark refocussed on her.

“What do you mean?”

“Well as you have said, you do feel a very protective urge towards your family. If you were with Seb then did you consider him your family?”

“Of course I did.”

“So you wanted to protect him.”

“Yes,” replied Mark flatly. It was the truth, no avoiding that.

“It must have been difficult to deal with,” observed the psychiatrist.

“Hm?” Mark replied vaguely, his mind elsewhere.

“Dealing with that time, it must have been difficult,” she repeated.

Mark pulled himself back.

“Oh. Yeah. We did deal with it though.”

 

The woman noted how distracted he had seemed then. It was clearly a sore point for the couple. She wondered how sore.

“You said it's in the past?” she pressed, picking back up on the wording that had jarred in her mind.

“Yes.”

She nodded slowly, observing how he looked directly at her, far more so than his husband did. You would think that the partner with the more obvious personal success in life might be the more confident one, but it seemed things were different behind the scenes. She was fascinated to know how that dynamic played out at home, but she suspected they weren't about to share that here. The psychiatrist held his gaze as she asked her next question.

“You seem very set on that,” she noted.

Mark frowned.

“What's that supposed to mean?” he asked, trying to repress his annoyance at her questioning him.

“Well, just that it seems important to you.”

“Of course it's important to us.”

“Emotionally I mean, to put the issue behind you.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head, wondering what she was playing at. Who wouldn't want such a thing to be in the past? Why wouldn't they want to move on and put it behind them? Wasn't it obvious?

“We've worked hard to make sure of it,” he asserted.

“In what sense?”

Mark shrugged helplessly. They might have discussed this beforehand, but it had all been from Seb's point of view. He didn't know what he was meant to say to get her off the topic.

“By... I don't know, just, moving on, not letting him win.”

“Him? This is Heikki, your husband's former...” she paused, struggling for the term to use that wouldn't offend them when it was clearly a sensitive subject, “involvement.”

Mark huffed a mirthless laugh at the word.

“Sorry, I don't know what to refer to him as,” she apologised. “What would you call him?”

“I wouldn't,” replied Mark shortly.

 

The psychiatrist appraised him, her mind oddly thinking that if Mark were a dog his hackles would be well and truly up at this point. There was something of the guard dog about him, friendly to those who he protected, affable enough, but not to be crossed. Whereas Seb seemed far more puppyish; eager and vulnerable at the same time. She almost smiled to herself thinking she had better not write that in her report.

 

“I apologise for raising a difficult subject. It's clearly still a sore topic.”

Mark tried to calm himself, not wanting to let himself get as annoyed as he knew he could be on this matter. The more he did that, the more she was bound to push.

“It's done with. We'd just rather forget it.”

“Can you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Forget it?”

Mark suddenly thought how Sebastian had forgotten all about Heikki after his accident. Sometimes he wished that had never changed, but that was unrealistic. In one way or another Seb would always have found out and it would have been traumatic however it happened. It seemed there were some things in life that there was no escaping, no matter how much you wished you could.

Coming up with no answer, Mark merely shrugged and tried not to get more annoyed as he watched her make a note about it. He waited while she looked back up at him, clearly having consulted her other notes.

“You said you were together then.”

“Mm.”

“There was an incident where he came to the house, when Seb was stalked I mean.”

Mark gave a small acknowledging nod, even though he knew she must be referring to the time that occurred and was reported in the papers, not the more recent episode.

“Were you actually there?” she enquired. “At the house I mean.”

Mark paused, his mind taken back. He answered as best he could thinking of both times, hoping that counted as honesty.

“Not when he appeared, no.”

“Later?”

“Yes.”

Later was correct in both cases, even if it was far too late in the second incidence.

“Do you feel guilty that you weren't there to protect Seb?”

Mark stared at her, feeling a weight he hadn't in a long time. He replied without thinking.

“Yes.”

“Because you consider it your duty to be there for him, to take care of things?”

“Yes.”

Mark took a deep breath and sighed it out as he considered what he had just said and knowing he had to give her fuller answers.

“I mean, he's not a child. Seb doesn't need looking after. It's not like that, but, just...” he trailed off, unable to explain why Sebastian needed protecting from Heikki without revealing for too much.

“In this instance he did need protecting?” guessed the psychiatrist.

“He was fine. Seb's way stronger than anyone knows. He stood up to him and Heikki left. End of story.”

“And yet you still feel guilty about it?”

“It's in the past,” stated Mark again, wishing to god she would drop this. He hoped she hadn't been this brutal with Seb. Strong as he knew he was, Mark didn't want to think of him enduring such an interrogation. Thank god he was outside right now, and not in here witnessing this woman prodding away at old wounds.

 

“As you said,” commented Dr Harford. “And yet it is still an emotive matter for you.”

Mark sighed heavily.

“I usually don't think about it.”

“Deliberately?”

“No, we've moved on, we're looking to the future, not the past.”

“But your past never entirely leaves you. Surely it makes you the person that you are?” insisted the psychiatrist.

“I guess, but our past has only made us stronger.”

“Both of you?”

Mark paused as he thought about that. Usually he was only thinking of Sebastian in that context, but perhaps it applied to him too. He wasn't sure. Sometimes he thought he was weaker than he used to be. Certainly he was more vulnerable, more open to being hurt, but that was because he had more to care about now. Love made you vulnerable. It was the risk you ran.

 

“I don't know. I guess maybe. I'm not sure I'm the one to judge myself. I suppose whatever doesn't kill you, right?” Mark tried to give a half smile to attempt to pick things up in here. “As you've said, we've been through some tough things, but all that's over with thankfully.”

“So you don't fear a reoccurence?” she asked, deliberately repeating the question she had asked Sebastian to see if she got the same response.

The words 'it's in the past' were on the tip of Mark's tongue again. It was the answer they had discussed earlier when he and Seb had gone though everything, but he realised that phrase was the one that had provoked her into delving deeper into this, so he stopped himself.

“Seb stood up to him and that was that. Nothing's happened since. Heikki was a bully and bullies are cowards underneath. He knows he can't get away with it any more, so it's over.”

 _'Thank god'_ Mark missed off the end of that sentence. He looked at her, thinking he had put a full stop to this issue surely.

“A bully?” frowned the psychiatrist.

Mark suddenly felt as if a trapdoor opened underneath him. Fuck, he shouldn't have said that. It gave far too much away. Bollocks, bollocks, what was she going to think now?

“Thinking he could behave like that,” pulled back Mark, frantically trying to sound as if it was no big deal.

“I see.”

 _'Do you?'_ wondered Mark. He hoped to god she didn't. He tried to think how he could play the matter down.

“It was an unpleasant matter,” he offered in a calm voice, “but it's done with. We dealt with it and moved on.”

“You both dealt with it? As a couple you mean?”

Mark frowned a little, trying to imagine any other possibility.

“Of course. How else would we? Isn't that how being a couple works?”

“Perhaps. You consider yourself to deal with everything jointly?”

“Well yeah.” Mark gave a little shake of his head, still struggling to compute any other option. “I can't imagine any other way. Isn't that the whole point of being together?”

“You don't deal with things individually?”

Mark shrugged and let out a helpless breath.

“I dunno. Of course we're two people, we just work together that's all.”

“So you see each other as equals?”

Mark pulled a face.

“Of course we're equals. How else would it be?”

“It's just that you've admitted you feel protective towards Seb. You don't see yourself as the more dominant partner?”

Mark stared at her. What he wanted to say was 'what the fuck?' _Dominant?_ Jesus, what did she think their relationship was?

 

“Umm,” Mark let out a dry little laugh. “I really don't know where you're going with this. It's not like that. I mean, sure we're slightly different personalities, but we're equals. That's surely how a relationship has to be. I don't understand how it could work otherwise.”

“Forgive me, perhaps I used the wrong term. I didn't mean to imply anything,” she apologised.

Mark looked at her, wondering if she really meant that or if she had deliberately been provoking him. Sometimes he was sure the whole world had the wrong idea of his and Seb's relationship. He took a deep breath and tried to explain.

“Look, I think you're misunderstanding all this. Sure, Seb's had bad stuff come his way, but he's strong. He's had to be. It's not fair that so much has happened to him, but he's a survivor, he comes through it.”

“And you?”

“I've just tried to help.”

“And how do you do that then?”

“Just... I don't know, by being there for him, supporting him,” Mark shrugged. “Maybe it helps me to work through stuff by helping him. I'm not sure what you'd call that in psychological terms, perhaps that's my way of dealing with things. I like to be practical and actually do something.”

“So for you that's helping Seb?”

“In those instances, yeah. It's not only about me helping him though. We help each other. I guess that's the thing about us both racing, it makes it clearer when we're taking it in turns to support one another at races, but in normal life too we do the same thing, only perhaps it's less clear cut. Honestly, when I look back to before we were together I don't know how I got by on my own. I guess I thought I was okay, but I didn't realise what I was missing. Seb's the best thing that ever happened to me. What we have makes all the tough times worth it.”

“You consider yourself to have a strong relationship then?”

“Yeah absolutely.”

Mark sat back a little, only now realising how he had shifted forwards to emphasise his argument. He knew the body-language was terrible, so he sat back a little and used the movement to steady himself and remember that he needed to be creating a good impression here, not just fighting their corner. He reached for the water and made a moment for himself to re-set.

 

“And in terms of bringing a child into your relationship? How do you think that would change it?” enquired the psychiatrist, finally moving them on.

“I don't think it would. We'd both be working to a common goal, helping one another,” argued Mark.

“Mm, but you'd be the one taking time out from your career.”

Mark shrugged.

“It's just the most sensible option.”

“You don't resent being the one to make the sacrifice?”

Mark frowned at her.

“It's not a sacrifice. It's a chance to devote proper time to our child so they are looked after. Seb's going to help as much as he can, but we decided that one of us taking time out was the best way. With us both racing and travelling so much we'd be tearing out hair out with a little one I think.”

“I see.”

“Just while they're little and we're still learning the ropes as it were,” justified Mark.

“But you're happy to be the one taking time out?”

“Yes. It was my decision. I think it'll be good for me too, get a little perspective on things you know?”

“I see.”

The woman made her notes and Mark wanted to ask why she was so interested in which of them took time out. He wondered if they would get the same question if he was a woman. Mark couldn't help thinking he probably wouldn't, even from another woman, but a man taking a paternity leave year was somehow something to query and justify. God only knew how the rest of the world and Porsche in particular were going to react.

  
  


“So what about Seb still racing then?” she asked.

“What about it?”

“You're okay with that?”

Mark pulled a face.

“It's not up to be to be okay with it. It's his choice and I support him. Besides he's too good to waste all that talent. He's got four world championships, did you know that?”

The woman gave an acknowledging nod and Mark shook his head.

“I don't think most people know how hard it is to even get one, never mind four. Seb is one of the most talented drivers not just of his generation, but ever. It would be a shame for him not to make the most of that.”

“And how is it to watch him race?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Well I worry, obviously, but he does the same for me.”

“And is that stressful?”

“A bit sometimes. The starts and if there's a dodgy moment, or things are close, but you know...”

He shrugged, not knowing what else to say without giving the wrong impression.

“It's fine really, that's just racing,” Mark finished.

“He suffered a very serious accident racing last year. How has that affected you?”

Mark rubbed a hand through his hair.

“I guess it certainly made me value what I have.”

“It must have been traumatic.”

“Yeah. I really did nearly lose him, but he's too tough for that. I should have known he'd pull through.”

“For you though, how was it?”

“Horrible, obviously. Yeah very scary, but he was okay. That's all the matters.”

“But has it had a lasting effect?”

“No he's fine now.”

 

The psychiatrist tried not to smile at Mark's automatically thinking of Seb, not himself.

“I meant a lasting effect on you,” she clarified.

“Oh, well I guess it made me think pretty hard about how important family is.”

“Is that perhaps what led you to think of extending your family?”

“Mm, not at the time, I was too busy looking after Seb. I meant more about us officially becoming family and getting married,” explained Mark, “but I guess in a round about way it must have done. Perhaps it did plant something in the back of my mind that meant I was ready to start thinking about it when Seb brought it up. He's the brave one you see, he dared to imagine something I hadn't. Perhaps it's true that the accident did change me in some ways. I still love racing, but I know there's so much more to life and we want to make the most of it.”

She nodded.

“Sebastian saw a psychiatrist afterwards. You didn't consider doing the same?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“I'm seeing one now.”

Dr Harford gave a half-smile.

“True, but you didn't think therapy would have been helpful?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“It's just not very me. Therapy helped Seb and that's great, but... I dunno, I mean sure, in the aftermath of his accident I had a very hard time, we both did of course. I'll admit I struggled because I was trying to look after Seb and cope while trying to carry on taking everything on myself which was a mistake, but once I let family and friends help, things started to get better. I talked to them.”

“Instead of a therapist.”

“Well I didn't think of it in those terms, but sure. What's wrong with that?”

“Nothing. If it helped, then you did what you needed to. Would you say you tend to take a lot on yourself?”

Mark shrugged.

“You just do what needs doing don't you? It isn't fair to compare how we are normally to what happened when Seb had his accident. He was recovering as best he could.”

“And you looked after him.”

“He was hurt. Of course I looked after him. That's what you do when you love someone. If anything happened to me Seb would do the same. He _has_ done the same. Not on the same scale of course, but he's looked after me plenty of times.”

“Oh?”

“Just by giving me support mostly. Moral support. Perhaps that doesn't sound much, but it is to me. It makes a huge difference to me to know I have his support. He picks me up when I'm down, keeps me going, keeps me fighting. It's a different kind of strength.” Mark smiled at last. “Seb's my light.”

“Your light?”

Mark saw the slightly raised eyebrows and disliked the way she questioned something that was actually a very personal revelation.

“Yes. He's the one who lifts me. If I'm ever struggling, in racing or just life, he lifts me. He's lifted my whole life from something that was frankly pretty ordinary outside of racing and now is extraordinary.”

“Extraordinary?”

“Yeah. I'm not boasting. I just mean everything, good and bad, it's all more extreme now we're together. The tough parts are tougher, but the good stuff is amazing. I'll take the rough patches to get that.”

  
  


The psychiatrist nodded again and made her notes. It made him feel uncomfortable and Mark was tempted to say this was part of the reason that therapy wasn't for him. He didn't enjoy this at all. It made him feel embattled, not as if it was helping to pry into his life.

“And what about watching him race now? Is that distressing?” she asked as she looked up.

“Not distressing. No. I mean I can't deny I worry, but he's a really good driver.”

“And if, as you hope, you have a child to care for when you are watching Seb race?”

Mark looked at her.

“I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you are asking.”

“I'm asking how you will deal with that?”

“Same as I always do; I know he'll be fine.”

“And looking after the child?”

“Well that's the first priority obviously. We'd be back at the base or at home, so it's not an issue. We can just watch on TV and I can take care of them. It's hardly as if I'd ignore the baby needing feeding or changing or whatever because I was watching the race. I'd just be keeping an eye on how things are going.”

The psychiatrist nodded, noting again how Mark had referred to a baby as Sebastian had.

“And you think you can manage that? Travelling with Seb, looking after a child at the same time.”

“Yeah I think so. I don't pretend to imagine it'll be easy or that we might not have some difficulties, but I'm sure everyone does in their way. Anyway if it is too much I'll stay home. It's fine, Seb's going to have to go to a few races on his own anyway.”

“Oh? Why is that?”

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“Sadly there are places round the world where a couple like us isn't welcome.”

“Oh I see.”

“So I wouldn't be going with him there anyway, even when it's just us now, but with a baby? No chance, we'd never take that kind of risk.”

“I see, well. How do you feel about that?”

Mark shrugged.

“It's unfortunate, but what can you do?”

“Mm. Okay, what about how the experience would be for a child?”

“What experience?”

“Travelling, being at races,” she clarified.

“Oh, well I guess it depends how old they are. If they're a baby I don't think they care where they are as long as they are warm and safe, fed and changed. You might be surprised how good the facilities are. We're really very well looked after in hospitality and Seb always has his own room where we can relax in private.”

“Oh yes?”

“Yeah, so we'd have our own space and sure staying in hotels might not be perfect, but as I say, I don't think a kid really cares where they sleep as long as they are comfortable and safe with their family. We'd make sure we had everything we need.”

“I'm sure.”

“And travelling, well at the moment we're using a private plane to get about. I guess that sounds pretty extravagant, but it just makes things easier, so I think we'd continue with that arrangement.”

Dr. Harford nodded and made her notes. Mark wondered how that really would be; taking a baby around the world with them from place to place. Their luggage including everything a baby needed would no doubt take up half the plane. He supposed they would just have to stick to their word and play it by ear. He wouldn't much like Seb having to go on his own, but if that was how it had to be, then they would manage somehow.

  
  


“Apart from races, how do you see your life at home if you had a family?” enquired the psychiatrist.

“Well, I guess if we have a baby to look after; sleepless nights, bottles and nappies. If the kid's a bit older, then I guess all the rest, trying to look after them and give them the best chances in life. Doing the school run, helping them with their homework and just generally trying to help them develop and grow in themselves, help them find their talents in life and giving them a good future. All that, just what any decent parent does really.”

“And between you and Seb, do you see yourself as the prime carer if you are taking a year off?”

Mark shook his head.

“Seb's keen as mustard to do all he can. We'd do it between us. It's only when he's racing I'd have to take the lead as it were.”

“Okay, and do you feel ready for that?”

Mark smiled.

“Right this second? No. Not the whole hog anyway. I mean I've looked after my nephew and nieces, but feeding and holding them and just taking care of them for a bit isn't the same as caring for them full-time. I know we've got a lot to learn. For now we're just trying to read all we can, take advice from our families and so on. If we're approved we've spoken to Rachel about taking parenting classes, so you'd hope by the time we reached the stage where we need to be ready, we actually are.”

The woman nodded and consulted her list of questions.

“Do you have thoughts about your parenting style?”

“Style? Blimey, I don't know that much style goes into it. You just do your best don't you? That's all any parent does. Make sure you keep them safe, provide for them, show them the way to go as best you can. Love them. I think that's the main thing: To be a family.”

“And your thoughts on adoption?”

“I think it's a wonderful thing obviously, seeing as that's hopefully how we're going to get to have a family and of course to give good homes to the kids out there who need them.”

“And for you adopting?”

“I just hope we get there.”

“Can you imagine how you will feel to be the parent of an adopted child?”

Mark paused and gave a little shake of his head.

“I don't know that it's the sort of thing you can really imagine. I think like other forms of love it comes from within. I hope so anyway. Trying to predict love...” Mark huffed a little laugh. “I couldn't have predicted the love I have now and yet it turned out to be the most amazing thing. It turned my life completely upside down. We've not always had an easy time and yet it's the best thing that ever happened to me. So when you ask what I imagine, I guess I hope for more of the same.”

  
  


“What of your own family? They live in Australia, yes?”

“Yes, that's where I'm from.”

“How is it to be so far away from home?”

“Well I have a home here now.”

“But do you miss them?”

“Yeah, but it's been twenty years. I'm pretty settled here.”

“So would you hope for your family to be involved?”

“Of course.” Mark smiled. “I don't think I could stop them if I tried. We'll visit, they'll visit and there's always the phone.”

“You're still close to them?”

“Yes, very close. Physical distance isn't everything.”

“And they're supportive?”

“Couldn't be more supportive. My family are fantastic, they'd do anything to help. If, and hopefully when, we have our family, I know I'll rely on them for even more support and advice. My parents are great and my sister has kids of her own and she's a great mum, so I'm sure they'll be a big help.”

“That's good to hear. You obviously value them.”

“Of course.”

“So thinking back to your own childhood, do you think that will influence who you are as a parent?”

“Probably. I think it would whether you wanted it to or not seeing as your family make you the person that you are. I had a very happy childhood, very free. My parents encouraged me to follow my dreams and gave me every chance to do so. They're the reason I have the career that I do.”

 

“And your sister?”

“Hmm?”

“You're close to her?”

“Oh yeah, Leanne's brilliant. Best listener you'll ever meet. That's the thing about distance you see. She might be ten thousand miles away, but any time I've needed to, I've just picked up the phone and she's helped. She's really a great support.”

“Do you wish you were closer in terms of how far away they live?”

Mark shrugged.

“Well yeah, but it's just how things are. I wanted to race and the racing scene is largely focussed in Europe. It would be very difficult to be based in Aus, so I made my home here and really we're very happy. It's obviously far better now I'm with Seb. It feels more like my home than ever and I think once we have a family that will be even more true.”

“You wouldn't consider moving back?”

“To Aus?” Mark puffed a breath. “I don't really see it as being on the cards to be honest.”

“Even when you eventually retire?”

“I dunno, I think we're happy here now. Besides Seb's family are in Germany, so if we moved to Australia we'd only be shifting the issue of being apart from our families. I think we've put down roots now to be honest. We're content where we are.”

 

“Okay, so do you see yourself parenting in the same way as your parents?”

“Well I guess they're an influence. My parents were always very open, very positive and loving. I'd hope to be the same, but you have to find your own path. I don't suppose growing up in the countryside in England with me and Seb as parents can be the same for a kid as it was for me growing up in a small town in Australia with my parents twenty, thirty years ago. Of course it will be different.”

“But you think you could be a good parent?”

“Well yeah, or we wouldn't be doing this in the first place.”

“So what do qualities do you think you have that might make you a good parent?”

Mark rubbed at his jaw as he thought about that.

“Yeah, I suppose that's a tricky one to pin down. I think it's more a sense that you could do it somehow. I've always enjoyed looking after my sister's kids, though of course I could hand them back. I dunno... I think perhaps you surprise yourself in life. I used to think I was a bit of a tough old boot, but maybe that's changed with Seb, or I don't know, perhaps he brought it out in me. I'm more open to the world and I think everything is possible. I'm much more optimistic now. My heart is more full than I ever thought it could be and I'd like the chance to share that with a child and build our future as a family.”

 

Dr Harford jotted down more notes, then offered the same question she had asked in reverse to Sebastian earlier.

“What about Seb then? Can you think of qualities that would make him a good parent?”

A warm smile spread over Mark's face and he huffed a little a laugh.

“Oh Seb will be perfect. He's dying to be a parent and he's just so... ah I don't know, it's hard to put into words. Seb is such a sweet and gentle person. He might not thank me for saying that, but he really is. He'll be a natural. You should have seen him holding our new niece. He just looked at home with her and she was so good for him. I think he must just have a knack.”

“How did you fare?”

Mark laughed again.

“Oh not too bad. As I said, I've had a spot of practise here and there, you just need to have confidence and I think somehow they sense that they can trust you not to drop them.”

He saw the woman smile and him and Mark shrugged.

“Good to get a bit of time in anyway, having a go at feeding and that, and yeah it was nice and I know Seb loved it. I think he never wants to give her back whenever we've seen them.”

Mark smiled to himself as he thought about that and guessed that when they came to stay during the break Seb, and him too, would be getting more practise in when Sofie came to stay with the rest of their families.

“Anyway, Seb; he's one of those people who always tries to see the best in others. He's very empathetic. I think that's the right word. He's very sensitive and I think that helps him appreciate what it's like for others. I guess folk might think that with all his success he's some kind of high and mighty world champion, but he's nothing like that. Seb's the one helping out in the garage, talking to the mechanics and remembering their birthdays. He's just a very generous soul. I don't mean money exactly, more that he _wants_ to see the good in people, so he finds it, and people respond to that.

I'm not sure he realises how much it's appreciated really, but there you go. And before you go thinking I'm saying he's soft like he's a pushover, I don't mean that. He can be very determined if he needs to be and he is an incredibly strong person. Brave too. I mean he went from very nearly being killed and in a coma, to back in the car and racing again in _eight weeks_. There's no way he should have achieved that, but he did. He's amazing really. If Seb puts his mind to something, he does it.”

“And you think that will help with a family?”

Mark opened out his hands.

“I think you've got to be a bit brave to put yourself through this, to take a risk, but it'll be worth it if we're successful. I think all Seb's qualities would make him a good parent just like they make him a good person. Oh and he's got a great sense of humour. I think if you asked my sister she'd say that's essential.”  
  


The woman nodded and made her notes. Mark watched, thinking he could go on for another ten minutes describing how fantastic Seb was, but what he wanted to tell her was that yet again Sebastian was putting himself through something that scared him to death yet somehow smiling through it and she really had no idea how brave he was to do that. He wanted to tell her that if they turned them down it would break Seb's heart and his too, and if that happened Mark had no idea how he would pick them up this time. The woman was still scribbling her notes and Mark couldn't quite contain himself.

“You know this means everything to us,” he admitted. “I appreciate that we might not be your standard run of the mill couple, but we know we could do this; we could be a good family. Somewhere out there there's going to be this kid who is meant to be ours and we can give them a good life, a huge amount of love and we would dedicate our lives to them. Nothing would make us happier.”

 

“So you think that between the two of you you provide a good balance as parents?”

“Yeah. We are different, but in a good way. I think you're right about balance. We do balance one another. Together we're so much better than we ever we're apart. I always think that's why we fit so perfectly.”

“You fit?”

Mark shrugged.

“Yeah. We just fit. And I guess it's that old thing about being more than the sum of your parts; we're better together, better people and obviously so much happier. I dunno, I suppose all couples say that.”

“Mm, I'm not so sure about that,” she noted.

“Oh, well anyway, that's how we are,” maintained Mark. “I know these are meant to be individual interviews, but you might as well have talked to us together because we're the same.”

“The same?”

“Well two parts of the same thing.”

Mark saw the way she raised her eyebrows slightly, but he could do nothing but shrug when it was the truth as far as he was concerned.

 

“Bearing in mind how close you are, you don't think a child would come between you?” she asked.

Mark shook his head.

“I think it would only bring us closer seeing as we'd be working together to be a family. I can only see that as a good thing. I know we might struggle occasionally. I don't suppose any new parent doesn't, but we've been through struggles before and it's only ever brought us closer, so I don't see why this would be any different.”

“Okay.”

She was nodding again and making her notes, flicking over a page before looking back at him.

 

“Was there anything else you wanted to talk about? She asked.

Mark opened his mouth slightly in surprise at her asking that, then shut it again as he tried to think what to say.

“Um, no not really. Just I guess that we're a family already, Seb and I. I know we might be a slightly different family, but we're a strong one and I know we can do this.”

“You're not finding the process is putting you off?”

“Is that what it's designed to do?”

Dr Harford let out an accidental laugh.

“Ah, no that is not our intention, but I hope you understand why the process has to be exacting?”

“Yes of course. We'll stick the course. We always do you know,” Mark vowed.

She looked him in the eyes and nodded.

“Okay then. Well, thank you for your time.”

“Thank you for seeing us,” he offered politely though Mark would have been far happier not to have had to.

 

They stood to shake hands and the psychiatrist glanced back to her notes.

“If you'll forgive me I just need to grab a quick word with your case-worker, then I believe she wishes to speak to you. I hope you don't mind waiting?”

“No that's fine.”

They went out into the waiting area, Mark to join Seb, Dr Harford going on into Rachel's office across the room.

Sebastian had stood as soon as Mark walked out and once the Rachel's door was shut he gave Mark a hug, then stepped back.

“Was it okay?”

Mark shrugged.

“Depends if she's in there organising men in white coats to come and cart me off to a padded cell.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he smiled just as Mark intended.

“Funny.”

“Yeah. Ah well, I don't know sweetheart, she doesn't give much away does she?”

“No.”

“I managed to give her answers anyway. I might have got a bit too defensive.”

“Defensive?”

“I get pretty defensive when it comes to my family.”

Sebastian smiled at him more warmly and put his hand on Mark's upper arm to push up so he could give him a kiss on the cheek. As he set back down he noticed that the door had opened and the psychiatrist and their case-worker were stepping back out. He bit his lip feeling slightly embarrassed that they had witnessed that, but Mark didn't care, he just smiled as he turned to face them.

The pair stepped over and Dr. Harford offered out her hand to shake again.

“Right well I need to finish up, so thank you once again.”

Mark and Sebastian thanked her and took turns to shake her hand before she went back into her borrowed office and Seb collected up their things before Rachel led them through into her own to take seats at her desk.

 

“I hope that wasn't too uncomfortable,” she started.

Mark glanced to Sebastian thinking that it might well have been, and answered for them both.

“We're glad to do whatever we can to move this process on.”

“Of course.”

“So did she give you some feedback?” he enquired.

“Well, just that she had been through what she needed to and letting me know that she would write her report.”

“Oh I see.”

“She didn't say anything else?” enquired Seb.

“Just that you were very co-operative, though of course I told her that you would be.”

“Right, well thanks,” smiled Mark.

“So do we get any feedback from this?” persisted Sebastian.

Rachel paused.

“It's tricky. The report is direct to us you see, it makes up part of your file.”

“So we don't get to know what she says?”

“Not exactly. Only if there are issues that we need to follow up on.”

“Right.”

Rachel looked at the pair sat opposite her.

“I'm sorry, I know that might be frustrating and you don't get a lot back in this process. Unfortunately that's just how it works.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark reached to take his hand so he could give it a squeeze.

 

“That's okay Rachel, we know you've got to work within the system,” Mark answered.

“Well I don't want to blame that, there are good reasons for it, but I just appreciate that it isn't easy for you.”

“Just so long as we know we're getting somewhere,” answered Seb.

She nodded at him.

“Okay, so on that, we have to wait for Dr Harford's report before we can take any more steps, but perhaps given how busy your schedules are, you might like to book in a second house visit seeing as you said you'd been working on the adjustments we spoke of.”

“Umm, sure. We still have a few to sort out, but we've got work booked haven't we Mark?”

“Yeah we've got someone coming to do those things for the pool and the outdoor gates, so if we do it after they're completed?”

“Absolutely,” agreed Rachel. “And from my side I need to check with my colleagues to fix the date, but perhaps we could do as we did before and I take down when you're free and I can get back to you to finalise things?”

“Yep that'd be good.”

 

Sebastian found the diary in their shared bag and flicked though it, looking at the month ahead. He held it so Mark beside him could look through it with him and they read out the dates where they were busy, Rachel jotting them down.

“So apart from that you're good?” she checked.

“Well yeah as we said we have some work planned, so they're coming next week and I think they said to allow a few days to complete it, so perhaps if we said from the eighteenth?”

“Sure.” Rachel smiled. “We really are getting into high summer aren't we?”

“Yeah. Umm, on that.” Seb looked to Mark, then back at Rachel. “We were kind of wondering about the summer break. See we were thinking about going on holiday and we weren't sure whether we ought to book something or not?”

Rachel looked at them, then smiled.

“A holiday? Of course you're allowed a holiday. My goodness. I think you work hard enough to deserve one.”

“It's just we don't want to be away if we're needed.”

She shook her head.

“No you need to live your life.” She paused and looked at them more seriously. “Listen, I understand how committed you are to this process and that's great, but you need to not let it take over your whole life. Believe me, I know how that can happen.”

Mark smiled.

“We see that from how late your emails come through.”

“Yeah, well take it from someone who knows then. Take a break, put this to one side and just let me know when you're away and that's fine.”

“Okay well we'll look for dates on that.”

“Oh and we're having family over later in August too.”

“Yes I think you mentioned that.”

“Did we?”

“I think when I came to your house, anyway, that's fine. It's good that you are seeing your family. Hopefully you'll be able to tell them how well you are doing.”

“Okay.”

“Doing all that is good. You need to keep perspective on all this, live your life and be happy away from work and all you are doing for this. As I've said all along, this can be a long hard slog, so the rest of your life balancing that is important if you're going to stay sane.”

 

Mark huffed a dry laugh and Rachel realised what she had said.

“Oh sorry. Look, seeing Dr Harford today, it's not a judgement on you. It is a standard step and now you've done it, so put it aside and try not to think about it until we meet again, okay?”

“Yeah okay, thanks.”

She smiled at them.

“You really are doing good you know. I swear we're going at twice the pace we normally do, which given how hard you work in your career and the fact you're away half-way around the world when you are working...” She shook her head. “Maybe I shouldn't say it, but that doesn't go unnoticed. Not by me at any rate.”

Seb gave Mark's hand a squeeze and smiled back at her.

“Thank you.”

She gave a tip of her head.

“Ah well, just makes my life easier if you do everything without me having to nag you.”

 

Mark huffed a laugh and Seb realised she was joking.

“I'm kidding,” she assured. “I just meant you're really on it whenever you're not off travelling to whichever continent comes next.”

“Actually my next race this coming weekend is just down the road,” Seb pointed out.

“Is it? Oh yes of course, Silverstone,” smiled Rachel. “That must be nice.”

“Yeah, it's great. No hotels, no flights, we can just be home each night. It's my favourite race of the year.”

“I'm not surprised. Well all the best then. If I get any spare time I'll have to try to watch it on TV.”

“Really?”

“Yeah I can call it research.”

Sebastian let out a laugh.

“Thanks.”

“Well good luck anyway. Okay, so you can concentrate on that for now and I'll be in touch. Unless you have any other questions?”

Mark and Seb looked at one another, then both shook their heads.

“Thanks Rachel.”

“Yeah thanks,” echoed Mark, both of them getting up and shaking her hand before leaving.

  
  


  
  


As soon as the lift doors shut behind them, Seb turned to Mark and gave him a hug, sighing into him.

“Oh god Liebling, I am _so_ glad that is over.”

Mark gave him a squeeze.

“Yeah me too sweetheart.”

He gave his arm a rub and they parted to look at one another.

“Done now. Like Rachel says, we just forget it and focus on the weekend coming up instead, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian gave him a little smile and took Mark's hand as they stepped out of the lift to exit the building and cross the car park in the welcome fresh air. As they reached the car he stopped and gave Mark another hug. Mark hugged him back, then moved his head to look at Seb.

“Sweetheart are you really okay?”

Sebastian sighed and shrugged. Mark raised his hand to rub his cheek with a knuckle, knowing that meant no.

“It's over darling. All done. You did fine.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh.

“How do you know?”

“Cos I know you. You always do great.”

“I know she could tell I was getting emotional at times.”

Mark shook his head.

“That's not a crime sweetheart. You're allowed to have emotions. I'm sure she was deliberately pushing buttons in there. It'd be weird if we didn't react at all.”

“I guess.”

“I don't suppose they want robots adopting do they?”

“It was the stuff on Heikki. Honestly Liebling I felt so close to the edge.”

Mark sighed and stroked down his arm.

“Yeah, but we went over that didn't we?”

Seb nodded.

“No way I would have got through it if we hadn't.”

“There we go then. You got through it. Of course you're going to react. I reacted.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course. I can't help it darling. It's normal to react.”

“I suppose.”

“My god Seb, the fact you can talk about it at all says so much about you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah course. What did she actually say?”

“She asked about the stalking and it being in the papers.”

“Yeah.”

“And if it upset me.”

“Well of course it upset you. That would upset anyone.”

“I told her that it was all over now.”

“So did I, and it is.”

 

Sebastian let out a long sigh and Mark wasn't sure if he ought to confess the mistake he had made, but not to do so felt dishonest and perhaps it would help Seb to know they both struggled.

“Sweetheart I might have put my foot in it a bit,” he admitted.

“What do you mean?”

Mark puffed a breath, feeling guilty.

“When she asked about that. She kept prodding and I guess I cracked. I told her it was over because you stood up to him. I said he was a bully, but a coward underneath.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry. I know I shouldn't have said anything. She just kept going on and I couldn't stop myself. I wanted her to understand it was over because of you, how strong you are.”

Seb looked up at him and Mark felt worse at the sight of those blue eyes, as if he'd let him down.

“I'm really sorry darling. I've got a big mouth sometimes, you know that. You're better at this stuff than me.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No I'm not. I don't know how I got through that.”

“You did though.”

“I guess,” sighed Seb.

 

Sebastian paused and looked down. Mark frowned and tried to dip into his eye-line.

“Seb?”

Sebastian bit his lip, feeling another wash of emotion.

“She asked me if I blamed myself for what happened,” he admitted. “If I felt like it was my fault.”

“ _What?”_

Seb saw the way Mark's jaw had set.

“She meant because I sacked him and I know it's because that's what she will have read in the papers,” he explained.

Mark shook his head.

“She's got no business saying things like that. Bloody hell Seb, no wonder you were upset. That's disgraceful. I've got a good mind to go back in there and tell her so. She's a psychiatrist, she must know what a terrible thing to say that is.”

 

Mark had turned to look back at the building and for a moment Sebastian thought he really might march back in there to confront her. He put a hand on his arm.

“No Liebling don't.”

Mark huffed a breath and shook his head unhappily again.

“She has to have been deliberately getting you to react.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know. Maybe. She couldn't know what it really meant to me to say that.”

Mark paused as he considered that.

“No, I suppose not, but even so.”

Seb stepped into him and put his head on Mark's shoulder, feeling the need to be close to him again, Mark automatically fitting his arms around him.

“Oh sweetheart,” sighed Mark.

“It just brought it all back. All of that.”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes to take comfort in the feeling of being safely held wrapped up in Mark for a minute.

“She couldn't know.”

“No.”

Mark sighed again and rubbed his hands over Seb's back as if trying to get the blood flowing again.

“It was just a really horrible moment,” admitted Sebastian.

“Of course it was.”

Mark loosened his hold and looked Seb in the eye.

“Darling you know it wasn't, don't you?”

“Wasn't what?”

“Wasn't your fault. Any of that.”

Sebastian nodded tightly.

“It was your voice in my head saying that.”

“Hmm?”

“That helped when I was trying not to panic and, you know, hang on and not lose it in there. I had your voice in my head telling me it wasn't me fault, over and over. You and Henry, telling me that until I finally believed you.”

Mark thought he might tear up at that.

“Oh sweetheart.”

“You're my rock you see,” Seb declared, his his blue eyes sincere as they looked up to Mark. “You're what I hold onto when it gets rough, even if you're not there.”

Mark pulled Seb back into his arms and held onto him until they both felt a little better.

 

Mark took a deep breath and let it out as he released Sebastian.

“Yeah. Thank you.”

“Thank you?” frowned Seb.

“For saying that. It means a lot.”

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“It's true. I could never have got through that without all you did to help prepare me.”

“Prepare _us_ ,” emphasised Mark. “I needed that prep too or I'm sure I would have totally dried up in there. I think you did better than me.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I shouldn't have said that about, him...” continued Mark.

“It's okay. Like you said, she was deliberately provoking us. I suppose she still won't know what it means.”

“No.”

 _'_ _At least_ _I hope not,'_ thought Mark. He stroked along Seb's arm.

“She's a psychiatrist not a psychic. There's no point letting ourselves get paranoid about it. We did the best that we could, right?”

 

“Yeah. I did at least get to say some nice things about you.”

Mark smiled.

“Did you?”

“Yeah, just about how good a father you're going to be.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Thank you. I did the same.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You're going to be fantastic. I can just see it,” praised Mark.

Seb looked at him.

“What do you see?” he asked.

 

Mark flicked his eyebrows, thinking of a nice image that would cheer Seb up.

“You and me and the dogs. We're up on the hill and we've got our lovely little baby sat on our knee.”

Seb smiled as he pictured the same thing, his heart squeezed a little at it.

“Our knee?”

“Well we'll have to share, take it in turns,” amended Mark. “Your knee then, yeah that's right he's sat on your knee, me having lugged the little fella up the hill only for you to steal him the minute we sit down.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“He?”

“He, she, doesn't matter,” shrugged Mark.

“Okay, yeah, doesn't matter,” Seb agreed, smiling at him. “That's lovely though.”

“You like it?”

“Yes it's perfect. It is going to happen isn't it Liebling?”

“Yes it is,” confirmed Mark unhesitatingly.

 

Sebastian pushed up and gave him a quick kiss.

“Thank you. I feel better now.”

“Good. Me too. Let's go home then.”

Seb nodded and they opened the car to climb in only wanting now to put the whole morning behind him and forget it. Difficult as it had been, Seb knew fretting over it would do him no good. He just had to shut it off now as everyone said and count it as done. He'd got through it, that had to be enough, worrying about what the result of today would be wasn't going to help him.

“Can we do that again when we get home?” requested Seb.

“Hm?”

“Take the dogs up the hill and sit there for a bit. I think I need some air and to defrag my brain for a while.”

“Sure.”

“Then maybe go for a swim after?”

Mark nodded, glad that Seb was at least wanting to take some positive action to get the stress out of their system.

“Good idea. It's warmed up a bit. We could try opening up all the doors to the garden, see what it's like almost being outside,” he proposed.

“Yeah that sounds nice,” agreed Seb.

“There we are then. That's the rest of our afternoon planned.”  
  


Mark started up the car and they set off for home feeling far better as they put their difficult day behind them and prepared to move on, no idea that they had been watched the whole time.

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm...


	145. Fair Winds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know it's very late on a Sunday, but an update was overdue, so here you are if anyone is still up to read it.  
> I've got so much on right now I have no idea how I'm finding any time to write, but I can't leave this off, so on I plod whenever I can.  
> Hope you enjoy it.

* * *

 

  
  


All Sebastian wanted to do following the interview with the adoption agency was forget it. If either he or Mark allowed themselves to think about it they only found things to worry about, but that did no good, so they switched back to denial, shutting it out entirely by keeping their minds on other things. Another race weekend coming up served to refocus them. Sebastian was relieved that his next grand prix was only down the road though. It meant that the Wednesday that was usually spent travelling was now a much needed day off that they could just spend at home doing the things that made up their ordinary routine: running and going for coffee, walking the dogs and hanging around in their own back garden enjoying the summer sunshine, then going for a swim to cool down before making dinner.

This was particularly welcome when the race at Silverstone came back-to-back with the one in Austria on the previous weekend. Despite the fact he might have liked a rather longer rest, Seb still went in early on the Thursday to spend time with the team preparing for the weekend and doing the necessary media work required of him in advance of the actual driving.

After the difficult day they'd had on Tuesday Mark had offered to go along with Seb, even though there was nothing for him to do except hang around in hospitality, but Sebastian assured him that the peaceful day that they had spent together in the meantime was enough to set him right and he would be too busy over the coming weekend to think about anything other than work. Now the meeting with the psychiatrist was completed, Seb simply wanted to file it away as done and persuade himself to do as Rachel advised and not think of it again until they had to.

  
  


 

When he came home on Thursday evening Mark was pleased to see Seb appearing in a good mood as he walked into the kitchen to find him, Seb still petting the dogs who had pounced the moment he came through the door. Mark smiled over from where he had been busily stirring something on the stove.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Sebastian gave the dogs a rub to satisfy them, then pushed them away to get over to Mark who put the lid on the pot, then took a step away from the cooker to give Seb a hug and a welcoming kiss on the cheek which Seb accepted before reaching past him to lift the lid to peer at what was cooking.

“Ratatouille,” explained Mark.

“Mmm. Smells lovely, thank you Liebling.”

“Been keeping myself busy.”

“Good.”

“How was it today then?”

Seb stood back a bit and leaned against the edge of the table to talk.

“Yeah alright. We're trying out some new upgrades on the car tomorrow seeing as we're close to the factory, so we've been going over what we need to do to tomorrow to test them out,” Seb related.

“Ah right. Sound any good?”

Seb shrugged.

“Don't think we'll know until we try them. Apparently they worked well in the wind-tunnel and the team seem pretty positive about it, but you know how it is.”

“Sure,” nodded Mark. “Media stuff okay?”

“Yeah just huddles seeing as I did the conference last weekend.”

“Mm, well that's good then.”

“Britta wants me to do a chat with DC tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

“You know with it being another home grand prix for me.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“How many home grand prix do we count?”

Seb squished his face.

“Three at least, four if we count Australia now as well.”

“Very unfair. Oh well darling, hopefully you'll get some home support as well.”

“Mm.”

“I'm sure you will. How many fans hunted you down at the exit for autographs just now?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Quite a few. They're a tenacious bunch. I don't even know how half of them sneak in there.”

“Well there you go then.”

“I'm just glad it really is a home grand prix.”

“Me too.”

“My own bed,” sighed Seb.

“ _Our_ own bed,” Mark corrected.

“Yes of course, far better.” Sebastian gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I'll just nip and change then.”

“Righto. I'll stick some rice on, there's chicken in the oven.”

“Sounds good. Thanks, five minutes.”

 

Not long later they sat down to dinner, the dogs at their feet as happy as their masters were that they were all home together.

“This is really nice Liebling,” praised Seb as they tucked in.

“Thanks, just veg chucked in tomatoes.”

“Well it tastes great.”

“Easy peasy, just let it all bubble away.”

Sebastian smiled, knowing Mark had put in more effort than he was letting on to have a nice meal waiting for him when he came home. No wonder this was his favourite race of the year. They sat and ate in relative quiet for a while, contentedly eating their meal. As they finished up Seb looked to Mark.

 

“So you're still coming tomorrow?” he checked.

“Course I am,” assured Mark.

“You don't have to.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“I know I don't, but I want to see how you get on with those new parts. Unless you'd rather I watched on TV back here?”

“No, no course not. I just don't want you to get bored.”

“It's fine. I'll take the Kindle, see who's knocking about when you're not driving. I'm sure I can keep myself busy.”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark gave him a look.

“Darling you know I'll only fret if I'm not there.”

“Yeah okay.”

“You done?” asked Mark, changing the subject.

“Sure.”

Mark collected up their plates to put by the sink.

“Want anything else?” he enquired.

 

Seb shook his head and looked out of the window at the clear blue sky, glad that they were in the longest days of summer.

“Why don't we just wash up and take the dogs out?” suggested Seb.

“Yeah alright.”

“I think I need an early night to be honest.”

Mark flicked his eyebrows up making Sebastian smile and shake his head.

“Race weekend Liebling, so behave.”

Mark chuckled and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah alright, sorry sweetheart. Early night sounds good. I presume we're setting off horribly early tomorrow?”

“Fraid so. You could always catch up later?”

“No you're alright.”

  
  


As they headed up the hill twenty minutes later, the dogs racing ahead as always, Sebastian hung onto Mark's arm, leaning into him slightly as they strolled along.

“I know it happens every year, but somehow it still confuses my brain when the days get this long,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Confuses you?”

“Well, not exactly confuses, but it feels later than it looks if that makes sense.”

“Sort of. You tired then sweetheart?”

Sebastian let out a little sigh.

“Bit. All that studying data today, you know?”

“Certainly do. Ah well, at least we don't have any time-zone changes to get our head around this weekend,” noted Mark.”

“Mm.”

Mark gave him a little squeeze, thinking Seb did sound rather tired.

“Tell you what, we'll just get a nice bit of air now, then we can go straight to bed when we get back if you like?”

“Hmm, maybe have a cup of tea and a snuggle on the sofa first,” suggested Seb.

Mark smiled, thinking how adorable Seb was.

“I won't object to that,” he agreed.

Seb leaned more into him and rested his head into Mark's shoulder.

“Good.”

They walked on in the slowly fading evening light, each thinking that a nice little snuggle in bed wouldn't be objectionable either, whether it had got dark or not by the time they made it there. Snuggles with Seb were just about Mark's favourite thing, well, _almost_ his favourite...

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning Mark went with Seb over to the garage, said hello to a few people, then walked back to the nearby motorhome to kill time until he returned to watch Seb in the car for free practice in an hour or so. He went to take a seat in the hospitality area with a coffee and pulled the Kindle from his bag to do a little reading while it was quiet in there. He was content enough for a while on his own before a voice caught his attention.

“Work or pleasure?”

Mark looked up from the little screen to see DC grinning at him.

“Oh hello,” he greeted.

“Anything interesting?” nodded David towards the e-reader in his hand.

Mark smiled and placed it face-down on the table.

“Very interesting, thanks. How are you?”

“Not bad. Just nipped in for a quick comfort break before we're due on air in... ooh half an hour.”

“Ah right, of course.”

“I believe I'm spending a little time with your beloved later,” smiled David as he took a seat at the table.

Mark gave him a look, not intending to allow his friend to tease him too much.

“I believe he is granting you an interview, yes,” he countered.

David huffed a laugh.

“I'm honoured.”

“You should be. He doesn't give many.”

“Not these days,” agreed DC.

“Mm.”

 

David knew why that was and guessed Mark wasn't in a mood for joking today.

“Yeah alright, don't worry, I'm not about to give him a hard time, it's just a chat,” he assured.

DC looked Mark in the eye, his expression more serious to show he understood and Mark nodded back.

“Thank you.”

David shrugged.

“A happy interviewee makes for a happy interviewer.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Say that ten times fast,” he challenged.

David smiled back.

“I'm impressed I said it right once. Anyway I just thought I'd say hi. I ought to get back and make sure we're all set.”

“Sure.”

“I presume you'll be watching from the garage?”

“Yep.”

David nodded, knowing their habits as everyone did by now.

“I heard they're testing a new package this morning,” he noted, hoping Mark might share a little insider information on that.

“So did I,” smiled Mark.

David huffed a laugh at how cautious he was.

“Yeah alright, well I'll doubtless see you around.”

“I'm sure.”

“Enjoy your reading.”

“I will, thank you.”

As David left, Mark picked the Kindle back up and continued reading, smiling to himself as he thought their friend would have quite a scoop if he knew the contents of his reading material.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Several hours later Mark and Sebastian crossed the paddock once more to head back to the motorhome after second practice. The sky above was as blue as it had been all week and the weather might be almost uncomfortably hot were it not for the wind blowing across the old airfield.

“Like being back in Aus, eh Liebling?” joked Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Not quite, but I'm not complaining. How was it in the car?”

“Mm, I need a shower, I'll admit that much.”

  
  


They walked back into the welcome cool of the air-conditioned motorhome and headed upstairs. Mark sat on the bed waiting while Seb showered, then came back out to dress in regulation RedBull gear ready for his interview.

“So have you got any media to do after DC?” checked Mark.

“No but I need to do the debrief and go over plans for tomorrow.”

“Of course.”

“You'll be alright?”

“Sure. I'll do more reading.”

Sebastian smiled and sat down beside Mark on the bed to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Finding it interesting?” he queried.

“Mm, very, though it's a bit annoying how they refer to mothers the whole time and barely seem to mention fathers.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I suspect they make assumptions about who is reading.”

“Hmm, and who is doing most of the actual looking after of a baby, but I guess we have to get used to being different,” allowed Mark.

“Yeah. Oh well.”

“You all set for this interview then?” Mark asked, changing the subject.

“Sure.”

“Well don't forget he's media as well as our friend.”

“Mark,” chided Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“I'm just saying it's easy to let your guard down too far.”

Seb shook his head at Mark worrying.

“Yeah okay, but I've got it Liebling. Compared to the last interview I had to do, DC is easy.”

Mark nodded, knowing what Seb was referring to.

“Yeah fair enough.”

Mark leaned in closer to him.

“I know how good you are at this stuff. It's just my turn to fret this weekend.”

“Don't fret, I'm fine.”

Mark nodded acceptance.

“Today was good,” Sebastian assured him, “those new parts seem to be really helping.”

“Better downforce?”

“Mm, so that's something positive to talk about.”

“Course it is. Well, do you need to get going then?” asked Mark.

“I asked Britta to meet us downstairs.”

  
  


Mark nodded and they headed down, finding a table to sit at for a few minutes until Britta appeared and collected Seb to take him to the space on the top level where the interview was being set up in one of the motorhome's many convenient spaces. There were comfortable sofas to sit on and it was a nice quiet area, but as he settled down and said hellos Sebastian reminded himself of Mark's warning that he ought not to relax too much, even with someone they counted as a friend.

 

They began by having a chat about how the day had gone, which as it had been positive, was straight-forward enough. All Seb had to do was agree that they were indeed pleased to see good times on the board and say that they looked forward to seeing how the car went in qualifying and the race, without actually giving away too many details as to what the developments actually were.

“It's nice to see Adrian here this weekend,” remarked David.

“Yeah it is. He still does a lot behind the scenes of course, but Adrian doesn't travel to so many races any more.”

“He's part-time now.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I'm not sure Adrian knows how to be part-time at anything, but yes he splits his commitments to RedBull and to the Americas Cup these days and it's nice to see they've been having some success.”

“Oh so you've been watching?”

“Well I've been pretty busy, but it's interesting to see how he's doing, and the team of course.”

“I believe there's more cross-over than one might think,” commented David.

“Mm, no doubt.”

“Though perhaps less politics than in F1.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Of that I'm sure.”

“You always seem to have a pretty shrewd idea of what is going on,” noted DC. “Perhaps that's something you could get more involved in when you retire?”

“Oh god no,” smiled Seb.

“No?”

David flicked his eyebrows up, but Seb shook his head.

“Not for me thanks,” he confirmed.

“What then?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Who knows what the future will hold?” he offered vaguely.

“You don't have plans then?”

Sebastian smiled obliquely.

“I have plenty of plans.”

“But you're not going to share them,” intuited David, reading his tone.

“Not right now.”

“Fair enough. I don't suppose you predicted the future to guess where you are now in life.”

“No that's certainly true.”

“Would you say you're happier now?”

 

Sebastian wondered where this was going, he didn't want to reveal too much, but he wanted to be honest where he could.

“Of course I am. I don't think I've ever been happier.”

“Enjoying married life?”

“Very much thank you.”

“Of course you were at Le Mans recently to see Mark's great success there. How was that?”

Seb wondered what the viewers would make of it if he told the complete truth and said 'frequently excruciating'. He doubted they would understand and it probably wouldn't help, so instead he thought of all the good things: How hard Mark had fought, how well the team had pulled together to recover after their set-backs and how happy Mark had been when he won, how happy they _both_ had been. Sebastian smiled warmly and nodded to the camera.

“It was wonderful to see them do so well. I'm very proud of all Mark has achieved.”

 

Off camera DC scrunched his nose, dying to tease Seb for how sweet he thought that was, but he restrained himself and nodded.

“I'm sure. You fancy Endurance racing as an option later on then?”

Sebastian gave a small shake of his head.

“No I don't think so.”

“No? Oh well I'm sure you'll think of something.”

“Mm.”

 

David smiled, realising that he wasn't about to wheedle any of Seb's plans out of him, so he changed the topic.

“It must be nice to be racing so close to home this weekend,” he remarked.

“Yes it is.”

“Our honorary Brit.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Thanks.”

“The crowd here wasn't perhaps always as welcoming as they might have been,” observed David.

Sebastian shook his head dismissively.

“A long time ago. Times change.”

“They do indeed. Perhaps we know you a little better now?”

“Mm, I don't know, I think it was more about the circumstances. I've always found the British fans very fair as a whole. They're extremely knowledgeable about F1 and they love their racing. I can identify with that.”

DC laughed.

“You'll charm them yet.”

“Hmm, I don't know about that. Hopefully they'll get to see a good show this weekend.”

“Absolutely and we've lovely weather for it.”  
  
  


“Well as someone who lives here now I can tell you it's as likely to be tipping it down tomorrow, but there you go.”

“How do you like living over here then?” enquired DC.

“Very much thanks.”

“How long is it now?”

Sebastian looked him in the eye, know what DC was angling at, but he chose to assume David meant the length of time he had resided nearby, not how long he had been with Mark, even if in many ways they were one and the same.

“Two and a half years.”

“Time flies.”

“Mm.”

“A lot has changed in that time.”

“Yes that's true.”

 

David looked at him, wondering if he could risk asking the question he longed to, but Sebastian looked him right back and although he didn't move his head, David sensed the shake in it and backed off.

“I'm sure, and no doubt plenty more changes yet to come.”

“I hope so,” commented Seb.

“You hope so?”

“Of course. Where would be if we stood still all the time?”

“Certainly wouldn't do us much good in F1,” agreed David.

Sebastian laughed.

“True.”

“You're an optimist then?”

“I try to be,” asserted Seb. “Being the opposite doesn't help much.”

“Ah well you're talking to a dour Scot right now.”

Sebastian merely huffed a little laugh.

“You've never come across as particularly dour.”

“Maybe I break the stereotype?” suggested DC.

Seb shrugged.

“I'm not fond of stereotypes myself.”

David smiled and gave an acknowledging nod, knowing what Seb meant by that. He didn't think the point needed underlining, so he moved on.

 

“Would you say you've changed since you came to live here?” enquired David.

Sebastian looked back at him, thinking he didn't know how to explain just _how_ much he had changed in that time. He barely recognised the person he used to be. He wasn't going to tell David that though, so instead Seb smiled and flicked an eyebrow up to tease him.

“I drink a hell of a lot more tea than I used to.”

David laughed.

“Ah well there you go, you definitely are an honorary Brit then. I have to admit I stock up on tea whenever I'm over here. Never seems to taste quite the same elsewhere though.”

“It's the water.”

“Guess it must be,” David agreed. “So what else do you enjoy about living over here then, apart from the obvious?”

Sebastian deliberately ignored the inference in the last part of the question and smiled.

“Well obviously it's handy for work being only up the road.”

“That's what I meant.”

“Naturally,” allowed Seb, knowing that certainly _wasn't_ what David had meant.

“Anything else?” pressed DC.

“The countryside around here is beautiful, especially in this weather.”

David nodded, guessing Sebastian simply wasn't in a sharing mood this weekend. He was smiling and friendly, but the shutters were most definitely down. No point pushing it.

“Quite so, well let's hope it stays that way. For the sake of all those fans camping here if nothing else,” commented David.

“Yes indeed.”

“Well on that optimistic note, we'll finish. Thank you for your time Seb and good luck with the weekend and whatever the future may hold for you.”

“And you too. Thanks DC.”

 

The interview finished up and Sebastian took a sip of water while Britta had a quick word with the producer and the TV crew began to pack away. David looked over at him.

“Thanks for that,” he offered.

“No problem.”

“Mark still waiting on you downstairs?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yes, his turn.”

“His turn?”

“To wait and watch, at races.”

“Oh I see. You off to rescue him now then?”

“Still got some work to do yet, but after that yeah.”

“You must be glad you don't have far to go home.”

“Yeah I really am.”

“Any plans for this evening?” asked David conversationally.

“Well hopefully Mark will volunteer to make dinner.”

DC raised an eyebrow and Seb shrugged.

“He's a good cook.”

“Is he?”

“Yeah. Then we'll probably just walk the dogs and have another early night.”

David's mouth opened slightly then he sighed and shook his head.

“Ach _why_ can't you say gold like that on camera?” he despaired.

Sebastian smiled, still refusing to rise to his teasing and started to get up.

“I should get going.”

He went over to have a quick word with Britta, then turned back to David who had stood as well.

“See you around then DC.”

“Yeah. Enjoy your early night.”

“Enjoy your tea,” Seb countered.

He was still smiling as he left the room, feeling for once as though he had actually been the one to control an interview. It had been a while since Sebastian had felt that last and it felt good, even if David was left a little frustrated from losing out on the dance that had just played out.

  
  


  
  


As they walked out of the paddock a couple of hours later under the still bright blue sky, Sebastian let go of Mark's hand at the gate and went to sign a few autographs for the fans. Mark waited patiently before submitting to Seb's insistence that the fans wanted his autograph and picture as well. They spent a few minutes making them happy before the pair of them made their escape, driving home along the country lanes to their home, their dogs, a nice dinner and that longed for early night, just as Seb had hoped.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Saturday dawned as bright and clear as the day before, and it seemed the weekend was set fair, though as Mark and Sebastian entered the paddock a stiff breeze caught them where the tall Silverstone Wing and the row of motorhomes and trucks formed a funnel.

Mark leaned a little more into Seb who was hanging onto his arm as they walked along.

“That should be fun out on track,” Mark noted.

Seb looked at him.

“Name me a day it's not windy here,” he challenged.

Mark laughed.

“Good point sweetheart. I reckon you could still land a plane on the straights here.”

“I sincerely hope no one tries that today.”

“Me too.”

  
  


They entered the motorhome and stopped off to say hello to Christian and let Britta know they were there before going upstairs to Seb's room once more. Soon enough they were back in the garage and Mark was back to watching Sebastian get on with things while he chatted briefly with Daniel before he too went to get to work. Britta was off working her media contacts so Mark was left alone. He could see that the mechanics were far too busy ahead of FP3 to make idle conversation, so instead he passed the time by checking his phone. Mark replied to a message from his father wishing Seb luck on behalf of him and Diane, and another text from Fabian which Mark replied to by saying he was looking forward to when they would there at the race in Germany in a couple of weeks so he had some company.

FABIAN: You look bored on TV ;)

Mark looked up and saw a FOM camera lurking at the edge of the garage. He smiled and waved to it, trying not to laugh as he looked back down to see his phone flashing another message.

FABIAN: Ha, hi to you too!

MARK: Dunno what you mean mate, that was for the dogs.

FABIAN: Really?

Mark chuckled to himself thinking his young brother-in-law sounded a little put out and thought he'd better set that right.

MARK: Nah course not. Enjoy the show. Dry track, think we'll get fast times today.

FABIAN: Cool. Tell Seb to try for a new track record.

Mark rolled his eyes.

MARK: I'll tell him you said good luck.

FABIAN: Oh yeah, that too.

MARK: Thought as much. Say hello to the others for me. I presume they're watching.

FABIAN: Just Mum & Dad. They say hi back. I'm sure the others will watch quali later.

MARK: Part-timers ;)

FABIAN: That's what I said :)

 

“Keeping busy?”

Mark looked up from his phone to see Sebastian stood right by him.

“Oh, yeah sorry, your little brother's texting me,” he explained.

“Ah, was that who you were waving to?”

Mark smiled.

“Well that was for all of our lot watching really, but yeah Fabe too.”

Seb smiled.

“That'll make him happy.”

“I think he's pretty stoked about coming to see you race in a couple of weeks,” Mark noted.

“Mm yeah, that'll be nice. Not sure Stef'll come though.”

“No, well she's got Sofie.”

“Yeah.”

Mark put his hand on Seb's arm and gave it a rub with his thumb.

“Maybe we can fit in seeing them around it?”

“Yeah.”

“And if not, they're coming to stay soon aren't they?”

“Yeah course they are,” agreed Seb, visibly cheering up. “Anyway we're looking pretty good.”

“Yeah?”

“Mm, just got to try to get the settings right this morning then we can start pushing the times.”

Mark nodded.

“Good stuff. Nice day to be out watching by the track,” he commented.

“You could go for a walk.”

“Ha, no.”

Seb shrugged.

“There's a good view from the balcony at the end of the wing upstairs,” he suggested.

Mark just gave a little shake of his head. He knew it was a great view from there over to Club corner and beyond, but no chance was he leaving the garage.

“No? Okay. We could have a look later maybe if I'm done in here,” offered Seb instead.

“If you like, sure.”

“Okay well we've just got a few more things to go through.”

“You wanna step out back?” proposed Mark.

Sebastian smiled and nodded. It might only be practice, but he was never going to turn down Mark offering a hug and a kiss to wish him luck.

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


An hour and a half later Sebastian got the release to leave after going over how FP3 had gone and discussing his set-up for qualifying and went to join Mark at the back of the garage.

“We good to go?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. Got nearly an hour. Just want to sort myself out, grab some lunch and then maybe get some fresh air for a bit.”

“Sure.”

  
  


Once they had finished eating, Sebastian looked out of the large windows of the hospitality unit to see the busy paddock.

“Still want to get some air?” Mark asked.

“Mm, why don't we bob up to the top of the Wing like we said, see if the support races are still on track?”

“Righto.”

A few minutes hence they had successfully manoeuvred their way through the paddock and found their way up onto the balcony at the pointed end of the long Silverstone Wing, where they stood looking out onto the track. It would get busy up here soon, but for now most of the privileged few who would be watching from this elevated position were occupied elsewhere, enjoying their Paddock Club lunch and champagne, so for the timebeing Mark and Seb were left in relative peace. Sebastian leaned on the balcony wall, the wind ruffling his hair as he looked out to see the Porsche Supercup cars racing around and Mark smiled at the expression on his face.

“Looks fun,” he commented.

Sebastian turned to him and smiled.

“Yeah. Get my own fun shortly.”

“True.”

Mark joined him, leaning to look out at the cars racing past, the shiny bodywork glinting in the sunlight. Exposed up here it was fairly windy, but it was still warm. Mark put his arm around Seb and they looked out, watching contentedly for a few minutes appreciating both the racing and the weather. Eventually Mark spoke.

“Feeling good about this afternoon then?”

Sebastian nodded slowly.

“Think so. Bit breezy, but as long as it stays dry.”

Mark glanced at the pure blue sky and raised an eyebrow.

“Expecting a downpour?”

“Hey this is Silverstone. I wouldn't be surprised if it snowed before teatime.”

Mark huffed a laugh and Seb laughed with him.

“You know what I mean,” qualified Sebastian.

“Yeah I do, but I think you're good. There wasn't anything on the radar was there?”

“No. Could be more changeable tomorrow.”

Mark shrugged.

“Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.”

“Sure. Yeah we look good.”

“You do indeed,” smiled Mark. “I think you've caught the sun.”

He stroked a finger down Sebastian's slightly pink nose and Seb scrunched it up.

“Think that's from earlier in the week.”

“Mm probably,” Mark agreed, thinking how they had spent most of their spare time this week out of doors in one way or another.

Seb shook his head as he looked at Mark's bronzed skin.

“It's not fair, you tan so easily.”

“Maybe blondes don't always have more fun,” teased Mark.

Sebastian scoffed and shook his head, so Mark brought it back.

“You just look sun-kissed,” he mollified.

“Sun-kissed?”

“Mmm.”

Mark leaned in to give him a real kiss and Seb kissed him back, both of them knowing there was every chance that a long-lense was on them even up here, but past caring. Seb pulled away and took a deep breath.

“Better go suit up,” he noted.

“Yeah.”

Seb glanced back at the sunshine as they stepped indoors heading for the stairs.

“Gorgeous day, thirty-three degrees out and I'm off to put two layers of neck to ankle clothing on.”

“If it's any consolation darling I think you look far better without them.”

Sebastian burst out laughing and shook his head.

“Not in the car.”

“No perhaps not,” agreed Mark.

  
  


  
  


It seemed a very small amount of time later before Mark was out the back of the garage once more, offering more serious comments as he wished Sebastian good luck for qualifying.

“If the times are anything to go by from this morning I reckon you're all set,” he noted.

“Mm, yeah. Think the Mercs have yet to switch up to full power, but yeah, guess we'll see.”

“We will,” nodded Mark.

“Track's a bit hotter, but I think the wind is getting stronger too,” reported Sebastian.

“Really?”

“Yeah, that's what's on the readings. Guess I'm about to find out.”

“Mm, well, exploratory laps at first yeah?”

Sebastian nodded, then gave Mark a smile, knowing that was code for 'be careful'.

“Think we're good for Q3 today,” Seb offered optimistically.

“Course you are. Right, well you'd better get to it hadn't you?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian pushed up to give Mark a kiss.

“Love you.”

“Love you too darling. Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian headed out onto the track early in Q1 wanting, as the team were, to get as much time as possible to assess the conditions on track. He did an exploratory lap, reporting that the grip was good, but the car was skittish on the bends, especially where the circuit was most exposed, which given they were at Silverstone, was almost everywhere.

The radar screens showed an increasing north-westerly wind blowing in across the plain, but as Seb came around the last few corners of the lap he had just enough time to feedback that the real issue was that the wind was gusting which made it unpredictable. There wasn't much his engineers could do other than to say 'copy that' and leave him to go on. Seb shot past the start-finish line along the International Straight and felt the difference as the car ran in the sheltered valley between the huge Silverstone Wing and the large grandstands on the other side. Then he was out, up the slight incline towards the first and second corners and on to weave around the rest of the track to set his first banker lap of qualifying.

As he completed his cool-down lap Sebastian was assured over the radio that he had set a decent enough time, though he knew that he had been a little cautious into the bends. As he was informed how many drivers were already having their times deleted for going all four wheels over the white line however, Seb decided that perhaps he had been right to be careful. The team were taking an equally cautious approach and sent both him and Dan out to set another time to be sure they made it safely through to the next part of qualifying. Then Seb was back in the garage, his visor up as he sat in the car, the data screen placed in front of him while the engineers rapidly ran through how it had gone and what he needed to do next.

 

Though he had experienced qualifying countless times before, both participating and observing, it seemed mere seconds to Mark before Seb was off out for Q2, having to do the whole thing over again, only faster, better and against a narrowed and more competitive field. Sebastian stepped things up as he knew he needed to, but he felt frustration creeping in that he wasn't quite getting the performance out of the car that he had in the morning. The new package was still an improvement, but he felt something lacking and Seb wasn't sure whether it was him holding back, or the changed conditions this afternoon affecting him.

By the end of the second session Sebastian was safely through to the final part of qualifying, but he was only in seventh when Dan was fourth and that wasn't good enough. As soon as the green light went on to signal the start of Q3 they were out on track once more to make the most of their last chance. They looped the track, trying to find space for themselves to get ready for their runs, but as they went around Sebastian felt ever more powerful gusts of wind coming across and by the time he was on his flying lap he saw not one, but two cars ahead veer wide at Copse. Seb followed behind them, trying his best to manage pushing and keeping control of the car in the bends, then using the straights to optimise the improved downforce the new parts gave him. It was a challenge, but there was a satisfaction to be found in getting it right.

 

As the lap finished Mark applauded in the garage as he saw Seb's time appear at the top of the screen holding _provisional pole._ It was an impressive result, even if they were only half-way through the session. He smiled, thinking how well Seb had done and Mark listened on the radio as the engineer praised Sebastian for his blistering time, only for moments later to hear Christian's voice come on more soberly to advise Seb that the stewards had reviewed the footage and decided his car had actually been fully over the line. Mark looked to Britta who had taken the spot by his side and couldn't hide the sigh of disappointment as he watched that fantastic lap-time be erased. Damnit.

 

In the car Sebastian heard the bad news as he went around on his cool-down lap and wanted to complain that _he_ had been in the car, so he ought to know where he had been. Seb knew he had gone out onto the black and white stripes as he pushed, but although he had felt the tell-tale rumble go through him indicating his car was on the kerb at Copse, he had been _sure_ he had at least kept two wheels on the white line that marked the edge of the track. Only just, but surely that was enough? Apparently his view in the car must have been distorted though and Seb knew there was no arguing with the stewards. Their word was law. Wasting energy on being annoyed was no help, he just had to come in, get his new tyres and prepare to go again. Once in the garage Seb only allowed himself a quick glance over to Mark to get an encouraging nod and smile before refocussing on the task ahead.

 

Mark was feeling all the annoyance Seb was repressing. On the television commentary they were busy debating which drivers had and hadn't gone over the lines at various corners and Mark wasn't at all convinced that the rules were being applied fairly to all drivers, but he knew there was a better than outside chance he was the one who was biased. He tried to do as Seb was and forget it. There was still time, just enough, to get the car on fresh tyres, exit the garage, head along the pitlane and out for a warm-up lap before Sebastian went for last dash before the chequered flag fell.

One chance, one shot at a perfect lap. This was what qualifying was all about. Sebastian knew he had done this hundreds of times before. It was what he was good at. All those pole positions. That feeling as you rocketed over the line to hear excited voices over the radio proclaiming you had the fastest time and had secured pole position. It had been a hell of a long time since he had experienced that last, but Sebastian hadn't forgotten when it felt like.

It wasn't the sort of thing you forgot. After winning races Seb thought it was about the best sensation there was on track. Indeed once apon a time those highs were about the only things he lived for. Nowadays he had far more than that in his life and more shared highs with Mark than he had ever thought possible, but there was still a part of Seb that longed to enjoy a few highs on track too; Not just getting by and being grateful for it, but being the best. He could do that again couldn't he? He could still be number one if he really went for it and left nothing untried, nothing held back.

  
  


  
  


Seb catapulted out of the hairpin at Luffield and swung around Woodcote around onto the National Straight where the old pit complex lay from the days before the circuit was changed when it used to be where the race began and finished. It led immediately into Copse Corner where he had been caught out before, so this time Sebastian made sure he took a tighter line, feeling the G-forces going through his body as he hauled the car to the right, trying to make sure he didn't lose any more time than he had to. Then on into the fabulous flowing section through Maggots and Becketts. Seb actually smiled inside his helmet at the way the car swooped through the racing lines, his body flowing with it, slinking left, right, left, right, before he had to pull the car around the far curve, ready to slingshot into the Hangar Straight, keeping as much momentum as he could as Seb let rip the engine, foot to the floor as he hammered up to 300 kilometres an hour.

It felt good. Seb didn't yet know the sector times and the radio was quiet, letting him concentrate on the job at hand, but he felt confident. You could feel when it was a good lap, a fast lap, and now he was approaching Stowe Corner ready to complete the last few bends of the track before reaching the finish-line. Then he would know if the lap really was good enough, if it was fast enough and most importantly of all, if anyone else was faster.

 

He tried not to get ahead of himself though. As Seb drove underneath the bridge his eyes were on the corner coming up in front, judging the correct angle and preparing to sweep out left as he approached. He was aiming for the outside of the bend before he moved right to take the racing line via the inside of the tight turn. He needed the optimum angle at the maximum speed; brake late and then ease through it as he knew how before racing on to Club Corner and the chequered flag.

 

In the garage Mark, along with everyone else, was watching car after car shoot over the line, times both tumbling and yet more being deleted as other drivers were caught out with a combination of gusty winds and pushing too hard in the corners as they tried to get every last drop out of their cars as they fought for the fastest lap.

Dan had just swept by into fourth place which was applauded as a very decent result, but Mark only managed to distractedly join in while he kept his eyes glued on the screen to watch as the FOM cameras now followed Seb firing down the Hanger Straight ready to complete his lap in turn. The sector times were good, though the Mercedes cars were behind Seb, each having hung on until the very last second to cross the line in an attempt to outdo one another in the battle for pole. Mark was thinking Sebastian looked on for a very fast time indeed, green sector times flashing indicating he was ahead and although he suspected Nico and Lewis might yet best them, third, maybe third was possible? Maybe even something better?

Sebastian was just being shown veering out to the left, a controlled move designed to lead into the sharper move right into Stowe when on the screen they saw everything go wrong.

  
  


Seb felt it almost before it happened; the blast of wind hitting him side on at just the wrong moment. It came from the open, exposed centre of the track and its motion matched the move Seb was just in the process of making, thus magnifying the effect. As Sebastian turned the wheel left, the gust of wind from the right caught his rear-wing sending the car far more sideways than Seb intended. The back end went away and suddenly instead of coasting close to the white line, now Sebastian was sent over it. He had already been braking for the corner so the car had at least slowed from its top speed, but that energy now fed into the car trying to send it further left whilst Seb fought vainly to pull the car back on track.

He barely had time to turn the wheel before the slightly raised kerb kicked the car upwards: first the left side as it went over, then the right as the car continued on its unintended trajectory. Sebastian had enough time to think he might yet save it when the car came down, hoping that the short span of grass to the side might enable him to still pull it back. But then as the car skimmed over the freshly mown and bone dry area, Seb felt how little traction there was. The car flew across, feeling faster even than it had on the straight only moments earlier and within fractions of a second the grass was gone and before Seb could make any attempt to regain the track, there was gravel.

 

The car hit the loose stones and the sudden increase in friction caused the car to slow with such abruptness that as the left side reached it, the energy in the right side was still trying to follow at its previous speed and there was nothing Sebastian could do to prevent the car tipping, the left side digging into the gravel as the right was boosted up. It might only have gone a foot or so upwards but for another gust of wind which followed, pushing now against the flat underside of the car, lifting it further until the car pitched forty-five, then seventy degrees up. It happened so fast that Sebastian barely had time to fear if the car would flip. So fast that a demented part of his brain was still attempting to turn the wheel before logic hit in and Seb let go, realising that he was only a passenger now.

 

A collective gasp was heard in the garage as all eyes watched to see if Seb's car would go over, dumping him upside down into the gravel or even spinning 360. Mark held his breath, his heart seeming to hold off a beat as he waited to see what happened. Seconds seemed to last hours, but then just as suddenly as he had gone up, Sebastian dropped back down, miraculously right way up. The car landed with a bang and skidded yet further to the left across the gravel trap, sending the small stones flying in all directions as the last of the energy in the car dissipated and he finally stopped thankfully short of the barriers.

Mark's skin flushed hot and then ice cold and he started breathing heavily as they all watched and listened, anxiously waiting for a response. Mark put one hand over a headphone as if that would help him hear better and only then noticed that Britta had grabbed hold of his other arm. Neither looked at one another though, they could only look at the screen in silence, _waiting_.

 

Then Seb's voice came on the radio, breathy and higher pitched than normal.

“I'm okay, I'm okay.”

Mark closed his eyes for a second as he sighed with the relief, then finally looked at Britta.

“Fucking hell,” he breathed. “ _Jesus_.”

Christian's voice came over, his voice tight.

“Sebi, you're alright?”

There was a second's pause as Sebastian worked to get breath back in his body sufficiently to answer.

“Yeah, I'm okay. The wind, it just... I don't know, caught me.”

“Okay.”

“I don't know if the car's damaged, but the engine's cut.”

Christian let out a hollow laugh at Seb worrying about that right now.

“Yeah, okay, we'll see. Just so long as you're alright.”

Sebastian took in another breath.

“Yeah I'm alright.”

 

Seb sat in the car feeling almost as if the car was still moving and he needed to wait for it to stop. His body felt strange, not hurt, but shaken, even though his seat was molded to him and all the safety features had done their jobs to protect him. Sebastian took a deep breath, then seeing the marshals approaching, realised that he had been sat in the car for too long. He ought to get out so he could show Mark and the rest of his family he was really okay.

  
  


 

Mark's chest was working a little too hard and the blood in his body was zinging around as if he had been hit with an electric current, but he didn't move. Instead he stood stock still as they all watched to see the marshals rush over. Then the camera zoomed in to show Seb removing the steering wheel and then they were helping him climb out of the car. Sebastian looked around for a camera, then waved and Mark smiled a little in relief as he knew that, like the radio message, had been for him. All their family too of course and everyone watching who cared, but still Mark knew the first thought in Sebastian's head had been to communicate with him to let him know he was safe. Mark felt a renewed appreciation of modern technology and only wished there was a way for him to communicate back to Seb.

 

On the commentary they were already finishing their remarks on how glad they were to see Seb walking away apparently unharmed as he accompanied one of the marshals to a nearby gap in the barrier to meet a moped rider to bring him back around. That done they turned their attention to discussing that fact that the accident had caused an immediate yellow flag which had soon turned to red, ending qualifying prematurely and ruining the last laps of the final two cars who had been on track. Though as the two Mercedes cars had already led from their initial runs, they retained their one, two positions. The coverage played out a delayed radio message from the Mercedes pitwall telling Lewis that he had held onto pole and Mark was glad to hear that Lewis's response was not to celebrate his success, but to ask if Seb was okay, the team assuring him that Seb had walked away from the crash.

Next the coverage decided to re-show Seb's accident seeing as they were confident he was unhurt, and after replaying it once they repeated it in slow-motion, making the most of the moment's drama, showing the car tipping perilously up and slamming back down, then the gravel shooting everywhere as the car slid to a halt. Mark turned away, unable to watch the crash being shown as entertainment when his heartrate was still struggling to get back to normal.

 

Mark pulled his headphones off and took in a deep settling breath. Around the garage there was a slight hubbub as team-members shared their gratitude that Seb really was alright. _He was alright._ That was all that mattered. Britta puffed breath herself as she removed her own headphones and looked up to Mark.

“I'm going to go meet him. Do you want to come?”

Mark nodded and they went to go just as Christian rushed into the garage, going straight to them. He looked at Mark to be sure he was okay.

“He's fine, okay?” Christian assured.

“Yeah it's alright I saw.”

“Oh right, of course. Okay well he's on his way back round. The sensors didn't go off in the car or anything. I think he was lucky.”

“Right.”

“I mean obviously not _lucky_ ,” backtracked Christian.

Mark shook his head.

“It's fine mate. He is lucky. That could have been far worse.”

“Looked like the wind just scooped him up.”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway...”

“We're going to meet him,” intervened Britta.

Christian nodded, feeling distinctly unsettled by the past couple of minutes himself.

“Ah right, okay then.”

Mark gave him a nod, said thanks and left with Britta to stride so quickly down the to the paddock to the far end where it met the service road that she almost had to run to keep up with him.

  
  


Thankfully nearly everyone was still watching qualifying despite the running being over and therefore the paddock itself was nearly deserted, though it occurred to Britta that she didn't fancy the chances of anyone who got in Mark's way. As they reached the end they could already see the moped coming into view along the in-road with Seb on the back. In other circumstances Mark might have smiled to see Sebastian hanging on almost comically to the back of the rider assigned the task of bringing him round, but now he was only glad to see him pull up and jump off, Seb removing his helmet as he did so. Mark raced over and threw his arms around him, Sebastian hugging him back, neither speaking for a moment as they just appreciated the fact they were there.

Seb pulled away and looked at him.

“I'm alright,” he assured.

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a tight smile and rubbed his upper arm.

“You're sure?” he checked. “You sounded winded on the radio.”

“Just getting my breath back. I'm alright Liebling. I just needed to let you know.”

Mark nodded, then hugged him again.

“Thank god. I thought you were going to flip.”

Sebastian gave him a half-smile.

“So did I. The wind...”

“Yeah.”

“I think the suspension took the brunt. I don't know if it's damaged.”

“Oh god Seb I don't care. I only care if you're okay.”

“Sorry. Yeah I am. I just got shaken up.”

They were still stood close so Sebastian spoke more quietly as he admitted.

“My heart's still pounding to be honest.”

“Mine too,” agreed Mark, thinking his had almost jumped out of his chest when the accident had occurred.

Mark dipped in a little to look in Seb's eyes.

“Are you sure you feel alright? You didn't bang your head or anything?”

“No I'm okay, just thrown about a bit.”

“You're sure?”

“Yeah. It was over really fast. I'm okay Liebling.”

“Okay,” sighed out Mark, feeling relief flow through him.

 

Mark shook his head.

“Christ, how the hell do we do this?”

Seb could only give him a shrug and Britta stepped forward.

“We should get back.”

“Right,” agreed Seb.

She offered out her hand to take his helmet and Seb would have said no need, but at that moment Mark felt his pockets and pulled out his phone and passed it over, already seeing messages waiting. He knew there would be anxious enquiries from both their families as well as their friends, but Mark understood Seb needed to call his family first, so he handed the phone to Seb and let him make the calls he needed to. Seb talked to his family to assure them he was okay as they walked along, Mark holding his other hand while Britta carried his helmet, already planning in her head what Seb needed to do next and how they should handle the media.

 

As they approached the RedBull garage it seemed the media had woken up to their opportunity to catch Sebastian on his way back and they were waiting to ambush them. Seb quickly finished up reassuring his parents and handed Mark his phone back ready to push past them. Britta gave the assembled group a hard stare as they got close.

“Not now guys.”

There was a rush of microphones, cameras and questions, but they were all lost in the din and they were in no mood to stop to speak just now, so the media were left disappointed as the small group swept into the garage giving them nothing.

  
  


Once inside they paused and took a collective deep breath, then stepped through to the main garage where it seemed every person turned as one to see them. Sebastian felt a little stupid, not knowing what to say when they were all staring, so he just gave a wave and a half-smile before Christian rushed over.

“Seb, you're alright?”

“Yeah I'm fine,” Seb assured.

To his boss's side he saw that Dr. Phillips had appeared and Christian now turned to him.

“I think maybe if you just check to be sure?” he suggested.

The doctor nodded and Sebastian found himself being led back into the rear part of the garage away from prying eyes whilst Dr Phillips ran through some checks with him. Seb wanted to say he was fine, but he saw the way Mark looked on and knew how concerned he must be. So Seb answered all the team doctor's questions and let him shine his little pen-light in his eyes. He tied the arms of his race-suit around his waist and stood still while the doctor felt over ribs and collar-bone to be sure there was no damage.

“How's that?” checked Dr Phillips as he gave a firm but cautious press of his hand over Sebastian's stomach.

“It's okay doc,” promised Seb. “The seat and the belt did their thing, they held me in place. It wasn't really a big impact. I didn't hit anything other than gravel.”

“Hmm, okay. Can you move you neck side-to-side, _very_ slowly please?” instructed the doctor.

Sebastian did so, feeling a little as though he was performing for the audience of doctor, Christian, Britta and Mark, but they all looked so serious and Seb understood why that was.

“I didn't really have time to feel anything,” he assured.

“Okay,” agreed Dr Phillips. “And definitely no dizziness?”

“No.”

“Or anything else; nausea, pain of any description?”

“No doc, I promise,” vowed Seb, his eyes not on the doctor, but Mark who stood silently by.

“Alright I'm just going to run through a few questions.”

 

Sebastian took a settling breath and answered each of them in turn, assuring the doctor that he knew when and where he was, as well as more details to check his powers of recall. As he gave the answers required, the doctor nodded and seemed satisfied that Seb hadn't suffered a concussion of any kind. Seb gave Mark a half smile.

“This feels familiar.”

He'd meant it as a joke to try to cheer the others up, but all four stared back and him and Sebastian realised he had said something wrong. The doctor looked at him more closely.

“Seb do you mean you remember after your accident?”

“Hmm?” frowned Sebastian.

“The accident in Italy last year. When you suffered a concussion. In the hospital afterwards the doctors asked you questions to check your memory and cognitive function. Do you remember?”

“Oh.” Seb paused and thought for a second, just in case, but then he shook his head. “No, sorry I just meant from other times, like Monaco, and I don't know, I guess after Italy... I remember being asked a lot but... No it was the hospital here I'm sure.” He looked to Mark feeling a little unnerved. “That did happen here didn't it, in the hospital over here?”

Mark stepped in closer and nodded.

“Yeah it did, they used to ask you questions every day to check on your recovery.”

“But that wasn't Italy?” checked Seb.

“Can you remember which doctor it was?” enquired Dr Phillips.

“Umm, the female one.” Sebastian hesitated for a second, not wanting to get it wrong and alarm them. “Dr. Roberts. That is right isn't it?”

Dr Phillips nodded and Mark gave Seb a little smile as he put his hand on his arm.

“Yeah sweetheart that's right.”

Sebastian nodded, feeling more secure again.

“I didn't bang my head,” he assured. “I'm fine.”

“Okay good, well I'll just check your pulse,” agreed the doctor, reaching for Seb's wrist and holding it as he timed the beats on his watch. He 'hmm'd' then let go, offering a cautious diagnosis of; “A bit fast, but within reason.”

“So he's alright?” checked Mark.

“Seems to be. Although if if anything comes on later, or you feel off in any way you have to promise to come find me or ring my mobile,” insisted Dr Phillips with a firm look to Seb and an additional glance to Mark to be sure.

“I will doc,” promised Seb.

“Alright, well a rest wouldn't go amiss,” suggested the doctor, “but I'm guessing that's going to have to wait.”

The doctor looked to Christian and Britta who glanced at one another.

“We'll just get the pen out of the way as quickly as we can,” assured Britta.

  
  


Mark wanted to protest, but he knew the media would be dying to speak to Seb now and there really was no avoiding it unless Seb was actually hurt which it seemed he wasn't. He rubbed a hand over his face, then gave Sebastian a smile.

“I guess I'll wait back in your room,” he offered.

Seb nodded, then looked to Christian and Britta.

“I'd just like a quick word with the guys, let them know I'm okay if that's alright?”

“Course it is,” affirmed Christian.

“Right well I'd better go,” started Mark.

 

Sebastian looked at the others and they realised he was hinting that he wanted a moment with Mark before he got back to work, so they took the hint and went through to the main garage. As soon as they were alone Seb put his hand on Mark's arm and looked at him.

“I'm really fine Liebling, I promise.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay. I guess I'd better let you get things done then.”

Seb gave him a smile and reached up to give him a hug, Mark hanging on to him for a longer time until he thought he'd better force himself to let go. As Seb set himself back down he looked to Mark apologetically.

“I'm sorry I said that thing about it feeling familiar. I didn't realise what that would make you all think of.”

“Oh. No it's okay sweetheart.”

“I still don't really remember anything of Italy.”

“No it's fine.” Mark gave him a half-smile. “Guess you couldn't know what it meant seeing as you don't have that memory.”

“Which memory?”

“In the hospital. When you woke up the doctors there asked you questions to see how you were.”

“Oh right. No I don't remember that.”

“Don't worry about it. You'd only just woken up, you were very...” Mark sighed, “you were still in a bad way sweetheart, it's best you don't remember.”

Sebastian frowned, wondering what that meant.

“Why?”

Mark sighed.

“You were in a lot of pain and you were very confused. It was upsetting.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No darling you don't need to be. I meant it was upsetting for you at the time, but I think that's why your mind decided it was best that was left out.”

“Oh. It must have been upsetting for you though?”

“Yeah.”

Mark's voice sounded heavy and Seb felt awful. He took Mark's hand and squeezed it.

“I'm so sorry you had to go through that Liebling.”

“No it's alright. It's done with. All that matters is that you're okay.”

Sebastian nodded, then wondered something else.

“Were they there?”

“Who?”

“Doc Phillips and Britta and Christian?”

“Oh, umm. Yeah, Doc Phillips was there and the other two part of the time I think, to be honest darling I was more focussed on you.”

“Right.”

“Your mum and dad were there.”

“Were they?”

“Yeah.” Mark frowned a little. “You knew that didn't you?”

“I guess. I mean yeah I knew they came out to Italy. I just don't...” Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to think back. “I don't know. Everything's so blurry. I just remember hospitals and you.” He looked up at Mark. “That's the main thing. I just remember you always being there.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark quietly.

He moved in closer to Seb and lowered his head so his forehead rested against Sebastian's. They both shut their eyes for a moment and kept a hold of each other's hand until they felt a peace settle on them and lifted apart.

 

“Okay. I'll be in your room,” parted Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“I'll be as quick as I can.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian gave Mark a reassuring smile, then they stepped into the main garage. Mark retrieved his bag while Sebastian went over to his guys and received more than a few pats on the back as they checked he was okay. Mark knew that Seb was bound to be apologising to them for the incident even though it wasn't his fault. It was just Seb's way, though Mark was sure that the team must have been almost as worried as he had been. He knew that when the car was brought back the mechanics would be looking all over it to be sure there was no fault in the machinery that had caused the incident to occur, even if it seemed clear that the wind was to blame.

There was no point hanging around though, so Mark shouldered his bag and walked back out, peering out of the garage rear exit to be sure nobody waiting there, leaving him free to leave in peace so he could get his own breath back and reply to all the worried messages Mark knew he had waiting on his phone.

  
  


  
  


Not too long later Sebastian came back to find Mark lying down on his bed. He sat down beside him and Mark sat up to meet him.

“Did you speak to your mum and dad?” Seb enquired.

“Yeah. They're very glad you're okay.”

“Were they watching?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian nodded, knowing how that was. His own mother had sounded pretty upset when he had spoken to her, but he hoped he'd done enough to reassure her.

Mark took a deep breath and shook it off.

“How was the pen?”

Seb shrugged.

“As expected. I was last in there but they were all still waiting.” He glanced at the television that was switched off. “You didn't watch?”

“Sweetheart I just needed to close my eyes for a bit,” admitted Mark a little wearily.

“No I wasn't criticising. I just wondered.”

“Oh, well anyway, yeah. Sorry.”

Sebastian looked at him, knowing Mark must have had a very nasty experience this afternoon and shuffled closer.

“I'm sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“You don't need to be.”

“I know it must have been horrible to see what happened.”

Mark took a deep breath and nodded.

“I don't know what to say to make it better,” Seb admitted.

“Ah sweetheart you don't need to say anything. It's okay. Come here.”

Sebastian shifted up so they were pressed together and leaned into Mark as he put his arms around him.

“I'm okay,” he whispered.

Mark nodded, feeling better to have Seb like this. He said nothing and simply rested his head against Seb's to hold onto him for a while until he felt a little more settled. Eventually Sebastian sat up, knowing he needed to get on.

 

“You sure you're okay?” checked Seb.

“Fine. As long as you're fine. I'm fine,” Mark assured.

“Hmm, better than the car might be.”

Mark was tempted to say again how he didn't care about the car, but he could tell Seb did.

“Have they had chance to look her over?” he enquired.

“Not since I first spoke to them. I've come straight from the pen,” Sebastian explained.

“Ah right.”

“Suspension took a whack.”

“Mm, well I guess we'll see. Just so long as it did its job.”

“Guess so. Anyway I need a shower.”

“Then are you going back to the garage?”

“Yeah. You could go home if you want? I'm sure the team could get me a car to bring me back later,” Seb offered.

Mark let out a dry laugh and shook his head.

“Nope. I'll wait. Might go down, get some coffee. You do what you need to do.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

 

Mark gave Seb a kiss on the cheek and little nod to show him it was decided and Seb got up to change. As he pulled his race-suit and under layers off Mark couldn't help looking to see how he was and saw a pink shadow on Sebastian's hip. Seb saw where he was looking and gave it a rub.

“It doesn't hurt?” checked Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Bit. Guess that's where I went into the side.”

“Hmm.”

Mark stood and looked to see if there were more marks from the seatbelts.

“I kindof went sideways not forwards,” pointed out Sebastian.

“Yeah I noticed,” Mark replied grimly.

“Sorry. It was all over in a second or two.”

Sebastian looked him in the eye and Mark nodded.

“Alright,” he relented.

“You going to let me shower then? I mean if you want to keep an eye on me you can, but it's a very small bathroom in there,” Seb teased.

Mark rolled his eyes and stepped away.

“Go on then.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

 

Mark felt his phone buzz in his pocket and pulled it out to find another message from Fabian.

FABIAN: I meant to ask, are you alright?

Mark looked up to see Seb pausing to see what it was.

“Just your little brother fretting over me,” he related. “It's fine. I'll reply, you get on.”

Sebastian nodded and went to shower while Mark sat down with his phone.

MARK: Yeah fine mate, so's your brother. Guess we should be used to this by now.

But he wasn't and Mark didn't think they ever really would be somehow.

  
  


  
  


A little while later Sebastian stood talking with Christian in the garage being informed how things stood.

“Basically a few tweaks and we're good.”

“Really?” asked Sebastian in near disbelief.

“Yeah she's a sturdy thing. Guess you landed right somehow,” explained Christian. “The engine was just an automatic cut-out and the suspension did its thing. The tyres were shot but you'll be starting with the Q2 tyres anyway.”

“Wow. Right, okay then.” Seb looked around him. “Where's Adrian. Guess I should say thanks to him for making such a solid car.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian saw Christian glance towards the mechanics.

“I already said thanks to them,” Seb pointed out.

“Of course. I know you would.”

“Car really must be tough,” let out Seb, almost as if he didn't realise he was saying it out-loud.

Christian gave him a look.

“You think those guys don't build it like a tank these days?”

Seb looked back at him and understood what he meant.

“Right, course. Well I'll thank them again. Can we get her fixed without it meaning a pitlane start?”

Christian nodded slowly.

“Yeah think so. You know that's still P10 though?”

“Right.”

Seb had almost forgotten that. His first time had been wiped out so he had no banker to fall back on. Damn.

“That lap felt so good,” he sighed regretfully.

“Yeah. Small mercies though Sebi, hmm?”

“Yeah. Okay, thanks Christian.”

His boss nodded and gave Seb a little pat on the arm before the pair of them went over to speak to the mechanics again.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


When they got home that evening Mark noticed how quiet Sebastian was. They had a quick dinner then walked the dogs, taking some time to sit looking at the view from the hill in the early evening light. Mark gave Seb's arm a rub where he had it around him.

“How are you feeling?”

Sebastian shrugged against him then let out a long sigh.

“I'm sorry I'm being this way.”

Mark frowned as he looked at him.

“What way?”

“Ungrateful.”

“Ungrateful for what?”

Seb gave another small shrug.

“Not you. I don't mean that. Just... the accident. I am grateful it wasn't worse. I am grateful the guys built the car so well.”

“Bloody hell darling, so am I,” let out Mark.

“Yeah. That's what I mean. I'm not ungrateful, I'm really not. It's just...” Seb sighed. “Ah I really thought I was on it today Mark.”

“You mean quali?”

“Yeah. It felt good, you know? I haven't felt that good in such a long time.”

Mark looked at him and Sebastian shook his head.

“Just in driving terms,” he assured.

“Right, yeah okay.” Mark nodded. “Yeah I get that's frustrating.”

“It was just the wind,” continued Seb. “I thought I was being so careful, getting the balance right. I was paying so much attention to Copse I guess I failed to do the same further round.”

“Ah now Seb come on. The wind just caught you. I know how that can be at Silverstone. You can't predict it one lap to the next, one corner to the next. It caught loads of people out today, it's just it got you worst.”

“Hmm.”

“And I know it screwed your lap and that's annoying, but in the end darling that isn't what matters.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I know. That's why I feel ungrateful, cos I'm still annoyed.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Yeah fair enough. That's just the racer in you sweetheart, can't shake that off.”

Seb gave him a half-smile.

“Is that good or bad?”

“Good mostly,” assured Mark. “Look, I know it sucks to have to start from tenth tomorrow, but it could be worse.”

“I know.”

“And even then I seem to remember you making the podium from the pitlane before now.”

Seb nodded, then dropped his head on Mark's shoulder.

“Yeah.”

Mark wrapped his other arm around him and gave him a squeeze.

“You never know what's going to happen.”

“Yeah I know, just...” Seb sighed again. “Maybe it's stupid. The Mercs were probably always going to get pole anyway.”

Mark sighed too. He hated seeing Sebastian down.

“You were looking good. I dunno, who can say? You had top spot until the stewards wiped it. If they hadn't done that...”

 

Sebastian nodded against him, he knew that was true. For a few precious seconds he had held provisional pole, but he knew if they hadn't had that time scratched, then maybe he wouldn't have pushed so hard on his second run, maybe he wouldn't have been at that exact spot at the exact time that gust of wind blew. Then there would have been crash, no yellow flag, and one of the others would have gained pole anyway. No way of knowing.

“It is what it is I guess,” he allowed.

Mark tipped his head to rest against Sebastian's.

“You were dong good,” he repeated. “Don't lose heart darling.”

Seb nodded, feeling a sudden wash of emotion.

“I just... it's been such a long time. That feeling, you know: being the best, not settling for less, not being grateful for what I can get.”

He sounded sad and Mark hated to hear it, so he hugged Seb in, then sat him up.

“Look darling, you've said all weekend that the car's felt good. So yeah starting from tenth isn't ideal, but if the car's really okay then who knows how far up you can get tomorrow.”

“I guess.”

“And if not this weekend, then surely the car being improved is going to help next time out?”

“Mm.”

Mark ducked his head lower to get into Seb's direct eye-line.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah okay. Sorry, I know I've no right to be feeling pissed off when this afternoon must have been horrible for you Liebling.”

Mark shrugged and gave a little shake of his head.

“You've every right to be pissed off. It was bad luck that's all.”

“Hmm, or good luck I suppose,” allowed Sebastian. “That it wasn't worse.”

“Mm definitely. Well... It is what it is. We go from here, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked at the dogs who had settled at their feet.

“Why don't we head home and you can give your folks another ring?” suggested Mark, thinking that maybe Seb's little brother might do a decent job of cheering him up.

  
  


 

Not long later they sat on the sofa, Seb's phone in front of them set on speaker as they spoke with his family. They had sounded almost surprised to hear from him again, but just as Mark guessed, his little brother was doing much of the talking, telling Sebastian how good the car had been looking all weekend and how he thought that meant he ought to be able to pull things back in the race tomorrow.

“I think the weather's going to change a bit anyway,” noted Seb.

“Oh?” His mother's voice, still sounding a little anxious.

“Yeah, wind dropping, but temperatures too. Not sure if it'll stay dry, but definitely not as sunny.”

“Mm, well you'll just have to make the best of it,” advised Norbert.

“Yeah I know.”

“Keep your chin up Seb, you've had worse places to start from before now.”

“Mm.”

“You're not worried about the car are you?” asked Fabian.

Sebastian guessed that meant his brother might be and he didn't want any of them worrying.

“No. Seriously, those guys built her solid. If they'd had to do a rebuild then I really would be in trouble.”

Mark almost laughed at the irony of that comment, thinking if they'd had to do a rebuild then that would be because Seb's crash had been worse and thus their concerns would have had little to do with the state of car afterwards, but he knew that wasn't his point.

“Tenth isn't so bad,” he assured, “and you're right Fabe, car's been good with that new package, hasn't it sweetheart?”

He looked to Seb who took his cue.

“Yeah it has, much better downforce.”

His father let out a dry laugh.”

“Except on that one corner.”

Heike glared at him.

“That's _not_ funny Norbert,” she snapped.

Her husband shook his head.

“Ah he's fine. Aren't you Seb?”

“Yeah I am. Really. It was just unfortunate timing, I just got caught out and like I said, they don't think it should be so windy for the race.”

“Good,” replied his mother firmly.

“We'll just have to hope it doesn't rain now,” commented Norbert, earning himself another glare and an unimpressed huff from his wife.

“Hard to tell,” Seb replied, missing his mother's reaction over the phone. “It was nice out just now when we took the dogs for their walk, but I guess we'll see in the morning.”

“Mm, well let's just keep our fingers crossed,” his father offered, hoping to pacify Heike who was still looking at him unhappily.

“Seb,” began Fabian, “they are sure aren't they that it wasn't anything on the car that caused it?”

“It was just the wind Fabe. I maybe got a little to close to the line and it caught me, but after that there was nothing I could do.”

“Oh no I didn't mean there was.”

“I know. It's okay.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark who sat forwards a little, not sure who was meant to be reassuring who on this call anymore.

“Look it's just one of those things,” Mark assured. “We'll be fine. Tomorrow's a new day, right?”

“Mm,” agreed Seb.

Mark gave his hand a squeeze and Seb did his best to sound more positive.

“Dan got fourth so that shows we've got some speed.”

His mother nodded, hiding the sigh as she thought that her son telling her he would be going faster wasn't the reassurance Seb seemed to think it was.

“Well I suppose we'd better let you go,” she allowed.

“We'll get an early night,” assured Sebastian.

“Good. Alright well we're all glad you're okay. Did you speak to your sisters?”

“Only earlier.”

“Well as long as you've spoken to them.”

“I suppose I could give them another ring now.”

“No no Seb, Stef will probably be putting Sofie to bed anyway. As long as they know you're alright.”

“Are they going to watching at yours tomorrow?” Seb enquired.

“Well we're having a think. Mel might come over, but Sofie's been a bit colic-y lately so I'm not sure about Stef.”

“Is she alright?”

“She'll be fine dear, babies get these things. She's just keeping your sister up.”

“Okay. I was just wondering, that's all,” Seb replied, resolving to text his eldest sister to check they really were okay and perhaps hint that she didn't need to worry about watching him race, though he suspected she would still want to, especially after today. He had so many people worrying about him. Seb knew he had to stop being so bothered about his bad day and be glad of what he had.

“We'll be watching,” piped up Fabian.

Sebastian smiled to Mark.

“Yeah I was kind of counting on you.”

“I always watch.”

“I know you do. It's a big help Fabe.”

“Is it?”

“Course it is.”

“I watched nearly all of Le Mans as well,” he reminded them.

 

Mark huffed a silent little laugh. Fabian had made that point a number of times over the past few weeks and Mark suspected he was hinting that he would have liked to have been there in person.

“Maybe you can come next time?” he offered.

“Really?”

“Well maybe. Up to your mum and dad.”

“We'll see,” intervened Heike.

Fabian's shoulders slumped, knowing that usually meant no. He couldn't wait until he was a couple of years older and he got to be the one to decide for himself.

“Anyway, perhaps you could give us a quick ring in the morning before the race?” requested Heike returning to the topic at hand.

“I will Mum,” promised Seb.

“Alright well we'll go. Thank you ringing us back.”

“No problem.”

  
  


They said their goodbyes and hung up, Mark giving Seb a quick half-hug before going to make them a cup of tea so they could settle down to watch a nice soothing bit of pointless Saturday night television to relax before going to bed. Four hundred miles away Fabian finished taking the phone off speaker for his parents and put it back in the holder before turning to look at them.

“Do you think he's really alright?” he checked.

“He says he's fine,” assured his father.

“He just sounded a bit down.”

“Well I'm sure he's disappointed with qualifying.”

“I'm not sure he should be racing tomorrow,” worried Heike.

Norbert sighed.

“He's fine.”

“Well I'm just saying.”

“I know you are love, but he's fine. He'll race tomorrow and get what he can. Better to get right back on the bike as it were.”

Heike shook her head thinking her husband was worse than Sebastian.

“I just worry.”

Norbert took her hand and gave it a pat.

“I know you do, but that's why he rang, he wanted to reassure us he's fine.”

“Mm.”

 

Fabian looked at his parents, then went to sit on the coffee table in front of them as an idea struck.

“Why don't we go?”

Both his parents frowned at him.

“Go?” Norbert echoed.

“Go where?” asked his mother.

“The race. We could go, then we'd be there to support him and you'd know he's fine Mum and well... we could just be there,” proposed Fabian.

Norbert shook his head.

“We can't just go.”

“Why not?”

“Well, you can't just turn up.”

“Seb could arrange passes. I bet he could. We're family after all.”

“It's too short notice for him.”

“I'm sure the team could fix it,” asserted Fabian optimistically.

“And go all the way to England?”

“There are flights Dad.”

“Yes I know, but...”

“Mum wouldn't you like to see him, know Seb's really okay?”

Norbert was about to tick his son off for playing his mother up when Heike turned to him.

“Maybe we should?”

“Ah now love come on.”

“I would feel better to see him.”

“He's fine.”

 

There was a moment's stand off, then Norbert shook his head.

“We can't just decide to go.”

“Why not?” pressed Fabian. “Why don't we call him back, see if it's possible?”

“You've got school the next day,” tried Norbert, thinking that point at least ought to sway his wife.

“We can go there and back in a day. It's not that far. I'll check flights.”

Norbert opened his mouth, but Fabian already had his phone out, checking details, before he handed it over to show him.

“Look, there's loads.”

“Yes but Fabian...”

“Time difference even helps, we get an hour back in the morning so we wouldn't have to leave that early and we could be home by evening no problem.”

 

Norbert shook his head at his youngest son running on. He tried to think of a protest, but Fabian had taken the phone back to show his mother.

“Let's call him,” Fabian insisted.

Norbert looked at his wife and he could see her havering.

“Perhaps it wouldn't hurt just to ask?” suggested Heike.

Norbert shook his head helplessly.

“Fine. But don't go getting your hopes up. He might not be able to get passes this late on.”

“No alright, but we could ask.”

Norbert looked at his son, his will to resist eroded and knowing he couldn't win this battle if the other two had united against him.

“Go on then. Ring him back, I know you're dying to.”

Fabian grinned and started dialling.

  
  


* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A two-parter, naturally....


	146. And Following Seas...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here to go with race day in RL, we reach race day in our story. I wonder how it will go?

* * *

* * *

  
  


Mark and Sebastian arrived early at the circuit on race day. Early enough to avoid the majority of the media who were mostly still getting breakfast at eight am while Seb and Mark walked hand in hand down the quiet paddock to the RedBull base. The race start wasn't until one pm, though there were plenty of people already staking their claims to prime spots around the track and in the garages mechanics were hard at work preparing the cars and making sure that everything was perfect.

As they entered Seb's room to drop off their stuff Sebastian felt his phone buzz in his jeans pocket and pulled it out to read a message from his brother.

“They're just getting on their flight,” he relayed.

Mark smiled and nodded. When the family had called them back last night Fabian had sounded so keen it seemed impossible to put them off. It might be short notice, but it was nice to know they cared. Seb's little brother was always so enthusiastic about getting to see him race and that combined with the worry Mark knew they felt just as he did, ensured that Seb was soon making apologetic calls to the team to call in some favours to rapidly arrange a few extra passes.

“Good stuff. You sure they're okay to get here? I could go pick them up?”

Seb shook his head.

“Britta's arranged a car to collect them, or she's asked someone to, anyway it's sorted. It'll just get complicated if you have to go off.”

“No alright,” agreed Mark thinking he'd rather not leave Seb anyway.

  
  


Sebastian went downstairs to get a word with his boss and Britta to say thank you and to reassure them that he was still okay after yesterday's previous incident.

“It's really very kind of you. I'm sorry I called you late,” he apologised.

Britta shook her head.

“It's fine. A couple of passes isn't a big ask.”

“Well thank you anyway. I umm, well I did wonder if there was any room in the garage today?” Sebastian added. “I know it's a push this late on.”

Britta looked to Christian, who was trying to think through who was already due to be in there.

“Umm...” delayed Christian.

Seb shook his head.

“It's fine, really I know it's no notice. I just thought, maybe my brother...”

“Just your brother?”

“Well Mum doesn't really like watching from the garage so much. I think it unnerves her, but Fabe loves it. It's fine though, they're coming to Germany so...”

Christian nodded.

“Don't suppose your little brother would take up much space would he?”

Sebastian beamed.

“Really?”

“Yeah why not. I presume Mark will be alright to keep an eye on him?”

Seb huffed a little laugh at the idea his seventeen year old brother needed babysitting, but his mother would no doubt be happier to know Mark was looking after him. He hoped Mark wouldn't mind.

“Yeah he'll be fine. That's great, I really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” offered his boss thinking that whatever helped his driver feel positive after the disaster of qualifying the day before had to be worth it. One extra kid squeezed into the garage was a small price to pay.

  
  


  
  


“So you don't mind do you Liebling?” checked Sebastian once back up in his room.

“A spot of unpaid babysitting? Nah good practise isn't it?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Just don't say that to Fabe.”

Mark grinned and gave a little shake of his head.

“I can claim it as that for extra brownie points with Rachel though can't I?”

“Sure.”

Seb pushed up and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

“No trouble. Looking after your folks will keep me busy while you're getting on.”

“Okay. They should be here not long after eleven with any luck.”

“Plenty of time. Righto then. Do you need to get down to the garage?”

“Yeah I just want to check everything is fine with the car.”

“Sure.”

“You can come if you like?”

Normally Mark would let Seb get on with his preparations alone, but the truth was he would like to see it to be sure that the car really was fixed up and ready for the race. He knew he would be worrying today. In a way Sebastian's family coming over unexpectedly was a bonus for Mark too. They would provide a distraction and having young Fabe alongside him in the garage would be good. A little youthful optimism and enthusiasm to stop him fretting couldn't hurt.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A couple of hours later Seb came back from the garage where he had been going over his race plans with his engineers to meet Mark who had returned to wait in hospitality to meet his family. Seb had texted him back to say he was on his way, so when he walked through the front door his family were all watching for his arrival. Seb's little brother bounced up out of his seat the second he spotted him and shot over to give him a hug. As he stood back Sebastian thought Fabian was still almost bouncing in front of him.

“I'm getting to come in the garage?”

Sebastian looked past his brother to see Mark stood a step back, smiling slightly guiltily.

“Sorry sweetheart, I thought you'd have sent a message to tell them already,” he apologised.

“Ah.” Seb shrugged. “No I hadn't had chance.”

“It is alright I'm coming isn't it?” checked Fabian.

“Course it is. I was the one who asked.”

“Oh right, cool, thanks for that.”

“No problem. It's the team we've got to thank.”

“Sure. I will do.”

 

Seb looked over to see his parents stood waiting by the table, so they went over and exchanged hugs and extra reassurances that he was okay, the car was fine and everything was set for the race.

“It's very kind of you to come over,” offered Sebastian as they all sat down.

“Nonsense,” dismissed his father. “We wanted to come.”

Heike sent him a look thinking he had changed his tune from last night, but she knew it was more about the logistics than actually wanting to see their son that he'd had reservations about.

“Now you're sure you're really okay?” she pressed.

“Yeah Mum I'm fine. Doc looked me over again this morning just to be extra sure.”

“Hmm, well I suppose that's good.”

“I'm sorry I couldn't get you all in the garage.”

His mother shook her head.

“We're perfectly alright here aren't we Norbert?”

“Course we are. All nicely looked after and comfortable. Your brother's pleased though aren't you Fabian?”

“Yeah course. I already said thanks,” defended Fabian.

“Well I hope you're going to say thank you to Mark for looking after you as well,” added his mother.

Fabian looked to Mark who was clearly suppressing a grin at knowing how much Fabian didn't think he needed looking after, but knowing he had to stay on the right side of his parents.

“Thanks Mark,” Fabian offered obediently.

“No problem mate, glad to have the company.”

 

They sat and chatted more about family matters for ten minutes, Seb and Mark quietly informing them of how they hoped they were progressing with their efforts to adopt in carefully coded terms, not actually using the word 'adoption' or even 'child' at any point in case they were overheard.

Sebastian consulted his watch.

“Sorry I need to go get ready for the parade. You going to be okay in here?”

“Of course,” assured his father.

“We can get an early lunch,” suggested Mark, “then Fabe and I will come down to the garage in a bit. That sound okay?”

“Yep good. I'm just going to nip upstairs a mo.”

Sebastian stood up and Mark went with him, making an excuse about grabbing his hoody. So far it was certainly cooler than earlier in the week, but there was no sign of any rain for which they were all thankful.

 

As they got back to Seb's room he pulled on his regulation RedBull shirt and cap, and Mark picked up his hoody in case temperatures dropped later.

“Sorry about that with your brother. I didn't mean to steal your thunder,” he apologised.

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's fine Liebling. Doesn't matter.”

“I just assumed you'd told them. I really did.”

Seb stopped what he was doing and looked to Mark.

“Mark it's fine, okay? No big deal. Don't worry about it.”

Mark nodded, though he still felt a little guilty that he had stolen a nice moment from him.

“It was your brother who pushed to come, so I suppose it's nice he gets a little reward,” noted Mark, trying to pick things up.

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah I guessed as much. Thank you for doing family duty and going to meet them at the gate.”

Mark shrugged.

“Happy to mate. Your mum's funny though. She's been telling me every detail of little Sofie's colic. I think she expects me to be making notes.”

Seb huffed a laugh and Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Nice though in a way. Family stuff. Anyway you'd better go before Britta comes looking for you.”

“Yep.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


An hour later Sebastian was back in the garage having survived his trip on the fun bus with his fellow drivers. He'd received the inevitable questions from the television interviewer asking how he was feeling after yesterday and shook it off with assurances that he had put it behind him and was focussed on getting the maximum out of the race today. Seb thought he genuinely was doing that, although he was grateful for his family coming today, showing him how much they cared. He had thought that he was mostly annoyed the night before, but underneath that Seb hadn't wanted to admit to himself that he was a little thrown by the incident. It wasn't even a proper crash, just a bump, but it had shaken him more than physically. Perhaps subconsciously he had chosen to focus on his annoyance at losing a chance of a decent grid position because it felt more constructive, or at least less _de_ structive than the alternative. Sebastian wondered idly what Henry would make of that.

“Hey.”

Sebastian turned from where he was daydreaming, mulling things over while gazing in the direction of his mechanics busily _double_ -double-checking his car ready to go out on track, to see Mark stood there in the garage, accompanied not just by his brother, but his parents too. Before he could open his mouth, his father spoke up.

“Now we're not staying, don't worry, but we checked it was okay just to call in to say good luck.”

“Oh, yeah course. Thanks.”

“So, well good luck then.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thanks Dad.”

“Now don't go pushing to make up too many spaces at the start,” cautioned his mother. “It's a long race.”

Norbert shook his head.

“He knows what he's doing.”

“I know he does, I'm just saying.”

Sebastian hid a little smile, but Mark saw it at the corners of his lips.

“I'll be fine Mum, okay.”

“Okay, well good luck.”

“Thanks.”

She leaned in to hug him, then his father did the same before peering over at the car.

“Looks good,” he observed.

“Yeah they've been all over her.”

“Glad to hear it. You'll be fine then.”

“Yep.”

“All the best. We've no doubt you'll make those places back up in no time.”

Heike huffed quietly at him going against her advice, but she didn't want to make a fuss in front of their son.

“Well we should get out of the way. Mark you're alright with Fabian?”

“We're good. Fabe knows the score don't you mate?”

“Sure. I've been in the garage before Mum.”

“Mm, well be a good boy.”

Fabian rolled his eyes and Mark tried not to laugh.

Norbert put a hand on his arm.

“Very good of you to keep an eye on him,” he noted, thinking they trusted Mark to take care of both their sons, even if it was in rather different ways.

“No bother,” repeated Mark.

“Well on we go then. Good luck again Seb.”

“You'll be fine,” assured his mother with a little rub of his arm that Sebastian was oddly grateful for.

 

With that and a final nod to Mark and admonishments to their younger son not to get underfoot and to do exactly what Mark told him to, Seb's parents took their leave and returned to the motorhome, pausing only to thank Britta as they spotted her to say thank you for her assistance.

Once they were alone Fabian sighed and shook his head.

“Honest to god, sometimes I'm amazed they let me walk to school on my own,” he complained.

Mark laughed and patted his arm.

“Parents never stop worrying kiddo, comes with the territory.”

“Hmm.”

Sebastian gave him a shrug.

“They came all this way to check up on me,” he pointed out.

“Mm,” agreed Fabian vaguely, thinking he had wanted to come and check up on his brother just as much. He was glad to find him seeming much the same as ever. He wondered how Seb bounced back from these things so quickly. Whether he really had, or if it was just something he had learned to do in order to box off problems in order to be able to race.

“Right mate, I'm just gonna steal your brother a minute,” advised Mark. “We won't be long.”

“Oh, sure.”

Fabian was left standing holding the headphones Mark had just handed him while he and Seb stepped out the back of the garage to exchange more private good luck wishes.

  
  


As Mark squeezed Sebastian in tight and gave him a firm kiss, he knew letting go of him would be hard today. It was always difficult, but today Mark couldn't help but want to repeat his mother-in-law's advice that Seb should play it cool at the start, keep out of danger and stay safe. He didn't say that of course. Instead he smiled and simply gave his cheek a stroke with his knuckle as Mark looked into Seb's eyes.

“You're going to go great today,” Mark asserted.

Sebastian smiled back at him.

“Thanks.”

“Car deserves to be way higher than tenth, so you should make decent progress.”

Sebastian looked back into Mark's eyes and knew what he wasn't saying.

“I won't do anything stupid,” Seb promised.

“I know you won't.”

Mark took a deep breath, refusing to add that he only wished he could be as sure that he could say the same of every other driver on the grid.

“I'll be fine.”

“Yep, course you will darling.”

Seb nodded, then gave a thought to his little brother stood on his own a few feet away in the next part of the garage.

“Mark.”

“Hmm?”

“You know it only just struck me, but this is the first time Fabe's been to watch me at a race since, well, since what happened.”

Mark frowned for a second, then he appreciated what Sebastian was getting at. Fabian had been with him at Spa at the end of August last year. The following race had been Monza. Mark was thankful Seb's little brother hadn't been there. No way could he have handled that horrific day and looked after the boy to get him through it when he was such a mess himself.

For all Fabian's bouncy enthusiasm, Mark understood that Seb meant his brother might be carrying hidden fears, especially after yesterday.

“Course. I'll look after him, okay?”

“Thank you.”

Sebastian smiled and gave him another kiss. He wished that Rachel could see Mark like this and know how responsible he was. His little brother might not appreciate being treated like a child, but he knew Mark could be trusted to take care of him just as he could be trusted to take care of their child when the time came.  
  


They stepped back into the main garage and Seb gave his brother a quick hug before receiving their last good wishes and going over to join the team. Mark took his eyes off Seb making his finally preparations for a moment and smiled at Fabian.

“Alright then?” he checked.

Fabian nodded.

“I know Mum and Dad get a bit, you know, but I am grateful for you having me with you in here,” he thanked.

“It's fine. Your brother is fine too. Made of stern stuff, right?”

“Sure.”

“How are those headphones working?” asked Mark indicating the pair in his hand.

Fabian looked down at them, then back up.

“Oh good thanks, yeah.”

“Righto.”

Mark gave him a nod and they stood together out of the way, letting the preparations go on around them until Seb was given the signal and finally picked up his things and gave the pair of them a nod before fitting his earpieces in, then pulling on his cowl followed by his Hans device and helmet. He climbed into the car and ran through a few last things with his engineers before the engine was started and he pulled out of the garage ready to loop around to take his place on the grid, only time for a quick look over to Mark and his brother before he was off, his mind all focussed on the race now.

 

As Sebastian pulled away Mark took a deep breath and Fabian looked to him.

“You okay?” Fabian checked.

Mark turned to his young companion.

“Hm? Yep, sure. You okay? Don't need to make a pre-race pitstop for the loo or anything?”

Fabian laughed and shook his head.

“Nope.”

“Righto.”

“Oh look.”

Fabian pointed at the screen where the television coverage was still rounding up their analysis ahead of going to the grid-walk. It showed a shot of inside the RedBull garage where they stood and Mark realised that they had missed a camera hanging around at the entrance earlier as a picture of Seb was shown with him talking to all his family.

 

“And Sebastian Vettel-Webber has all the family here today it seems, I believe that's his mum and dad with his brother and Mark naturally, who is here supporting his husband as always of course,” noted the commentator. “Whether having them all here was always planned, or if it's a result of his nasty little upset in qualifying yesterday I don't know.”

Fabian frowned, not liking the way they were talking about his brother and Mark put a hand on his arm.

“Ignore them,” he advised. “They're just filling dead air-time.”

“Hmm.”

“At least they got his name right this time,” commented Mark.

Fabian quirked a smile.

“People still getting it wrong?”

“Yep, now and again anyway.”

“Not that complicated,” noted Fabian derisively.

“You'd think not. Anyway...” Mark trailed off as they watched the cars now being shown making their way slowly around the track and they both pulled their headphones on to listen to the engineers running though their checks with Seb to be sure everything was okay and were reassured to hear that all was well.

  
  


On the television they had switched to showing the grid where the first of the cars were now lining up, making their way to be wheeled into position as they fought through the hordes of engineers, mechanics and hangers-on crowding the small area of tarmac. Mark and Fabian didn't speak, they merely watched as Seb's car was rolled into p10. Mark knew that Britta had told the television companies that Seb wasn't chatting to them on the grid today. She didn't go into the reasons, though Mark knew it was because she was only too well aware that the questions would all be about his accident the day before and the team didn't want their driver focussing on that moments before the race. Mark thought the television presenters ought to realise how inappropriate that would be for themselves, but even if individual members of the media could be personally perfectly decent people, when they were working they tended to forget that and ask the questions they knew would get people's attention. No way did Seb need that right now, no matter how fine he claimed to be.

  
  


As the grid cleared and the cars set off on their installation lap Mark spared a glance to Fabian to be sure he didn't look too nervous. He seemed okay to Mark's eyes. Perhaps that was the advantage of youth; always focussed on the positive and too excited to be in here to worry. Mark carried enough worries for both of them.

Sebastian rounded the last third of the circuit at a steady speed, doing all he needed to; his last checks, warming the tyres and the brakes. He tried to keep his eyes on the readings on his wheel and the cars around him, but as he approached Stowe corner Seb couldn't help but look to the outside where he had come a cropper yesterday. The gravel had been neatly raked over, but he could still see the tear into the grass verge his car had made. No time to linger though. Seb took the racing line as he had intended to during qualifying and smoothly rounded into the bend and out again, on to Club and back to the start where he pulled up into the painted box marking out tenth position.

Yesterday was gone. There was nothing he could do about it. Sebastian knew he had to be as focussed on the race as he had claimed to be. He had noted how much less wind there was today though as he went around, so that was good. Less sunshine as well though. Seb glanced upwards through his visor to see the dull grey sky above. Dull was fine. The track was necessarily cooler, but that was okay as long as it stayed dry. He spoke briefly to his engineer while he checked his mirrors to see the last of the grid finally coming around the corner to line up to fill the remaining spots at the back, then it was all eyes on the five lights turning red, foot hovering and senses on edge. Race starts: as familiar to Seb as getting up out of bed in the morning. He knew what to do.

  
  


  
  


Thirty seconds later in the garage Mark breathed out and smiled as he saw Sebastian weave safely through not one but _two_ rows of slower starters within seconds of the lights going out. He released a little laugh that was a mixture of relief and pride and looked to see Fabian beaming by his side. Fabian looked up at him and held up one hand to show five fingers indicating the position Seb had jumped to. Mark nodded and turned his attention back to the screen just in time to see those who Seb had overtaken now busily knocking into one another. He puffed a breath, thankful that Seb had missed that, though of course Mark knew that it was entirely possible that Sebastian pushing his way through might have been a factor in upsetting the running. That was just tough though. Not Seb's fault if they couldn't reassemble themselves sensibly enough to race one another safely.

The Force India cars had banged wheels though they were carrying on, but Fernando in the McLaren had been nerfed sideways by Sainz in the Toro Rosso and the pair of them had ended up in the gravel beyond Abbey curve. Mark shook his head at seeing the wheel hanging off his friend's car, but both drivers were safely walking away, so that was the main thing, though Mark knew Fernando would be furious and he didn't envy Carlos sitting with him in the stewards office later.

The crash meant an immediate virtual safety car though, so that meant Mark could relax for a bit while the cars were forced to run at a steady speed. Fabian pulled an earphone off and leaned into him, so Mark did the same.

“Safety car?” he suggested.

“Maybe,” acknowledged Mark, his eyes still on the screen.

  
  


Moments later Seb in the car got the message through to say that they were indeed getting the safety car out. Partly while the cars were cleared out of the way, but also due to debris on track where the clashing cars had lost carbon fibre worth thousands while scrapping for position. He knew he had taken a risk himself to get ahead, but Sebastian had no spare capacity to think about how it would have raised the heartbeats of his family anxiously watching. He was too busy calculating how long it would take them to come around the track at this slower speed to pick up the Mercedes safety car driven by Bernd Maylander. Seb got on the radio to ask if they knew if there was much debris to avoid on the track.

  
  


Mark smiled to himself as he heard the question. It might seem odd to others that he was reassured by it, but it told him that Seb was completely on task, which was precisely what he wanted. The cars all lined up to create a train, carefully picking their way around, doing their best to avoid getting a puncture. The two Mercedes had hared off at the start, but now they were forced back and Mark was thinking as Sebastian was that this meant that Seb had a p5 restart. His team-mate was sat just one car ahead now and that felt considerably better than it had to see him in the distance from tenth on the grid.

It seemed to take forever to get going again, despite the minimal damage from the early knocks, but Sebastian appreciated that the marshals were risking themselves to do their job. Personally he wouldn't much fancy running out on track to grab a broken bit of front wing just to be sure a driver didn't go over it, so you had respect the work they did. Safety car time was a little spell of quiet to regroup and plan your attack, check over the car and speak to your team. Time for your brain to run through some revised strategies and think about new opportunities. The team might not like it if he got into a fight with his team-mate, but if Sebastian saw a sniff of an opportunity at the off, then he was going to take it.

  
  


A good five minutes later the train of cars came down the Hangar Straight once more, far slower than they generally did at this spot where they could usually floor the accelerator. As he came into Stowe Seb wasn't thinking about his near flip the day before, he was thinking about the fact that the pitlane entry was coming up and sure enough the announcement came that the safety car was in this lap. As the silver road car veered in, all the drivers behind him were readying themselves to go, each with their own hopes of making the most of the moment.

  
  


Lewis at the head of the pack raced over the start-finish line and was away, Nico chasing after him. After the two Mercedes there came the Ferrari of Kimi Räikkönen. Normally these days Seb still kept his distance from his former friend in the paddock, or perhaps more accurately, Kimi kept his distance from Seb. Right now though Sebastian was only judging how the red car accelerated on the straights and thinking about how if he could get past Dan he might even be able to overtake to get third, maybe on the Wellington Straight while everyone was still getting their bearings back.

It was ambitious, but Seb wasn't a racing driver for nothing. As they went into Abbey he lined up for the inside, then seeing Daniel had no intention of leaving that door open he went left and swooped around the outside instead, knowing that his team-mate wasn't allowed to make a second move to block him. Seb kept his foot in as the track swerved to the right for the next bend and now he held the racing line. For most of the distance the two indigo cars ran neck and neck, running all the way through Farm Curve together, but by the time the reached Village Sebastian had the advantage and there was nothing Daniel could do but drop back for the moment.

  
  


Mark let out a puff of nervous breath as the garage politely applauded, glad at least that the move had been clean. Everyone knew that the first rule of racing was never take your team-mate out. On the radio he heard Christian acknowledging the overtake by telling Seb that the Ferrari was well behind the two Mercedes who had already pulled a gap. It was a coded way of telling him that if he was going to overtake his fellow RedBull driver then he had better make the move worth it. Sebastian didn't really need any added incentive, but the fact that Dan was chasing in his rear mirrors meant that he knew he couldn't hang around.

Soon they were around the loop and onto Wellington, but it was too early for DRS being restored post-safety car and without that, no matter how hard Sebastian kept his foot pressing on the pedal, he couldn't get past on the straight. They all slowed into the long 'U' of Brooklands into Luffield and then there was the following National Straight where Seb found himself in the same situation: pushing while both the car ahead and the one behind did exactly the same thing, neither with enough relative power difference to either get away or get ahead.

Sebastian knew that the sensible thing would be to hold position, to make sure he did enough to stay in touch with Kimi without letting Daniel too close while he waited for DRS to be enabled, but that was nearly two laps away. That felt an eternity when you were racing at these speeds. The moment felt now.

Sebastian kept his foot in for as long as he could going past the old pits, waiting for the Ferrari to brake for Copse Corner. He watched the car in front, knowing Kimi would take the racing line which was to hold tight to the inside, then go wide as you came out of the bend. If he tried to go round the outside Kimi would be filling the space ahead soon enough leaving Seb nowhere to go so that wouldn't work. Seb knew he wasn't close enough to stick his nose into the inside gap forcing his way through there. The only way to do it was to risk braking later, take a tighter turn _out_ of the bend and be inside Kimi by the time they straightened up.

 

Yesterday the wind had pushed Sebastian wide causing him to lose his initial Q3 quali lap by going over the white line just here, but the wind was down today and he had greater control of his car. Kimi on the other hand looked a little loose. Going through Luffield Sebastian had seen, even from a couple of metres back, that his rival had to really pull on the wheel to make it turn. _Oversteer_. Oversteer meant that the Ferrari had no chance to take as tight a line. Plus Seb was calculating that the Ferrari might not have been able to keep his tyres warm enough on this cooler day. It all added up to make Kimi vulnerable. This was do-able. A risk, but possible if he held his nerve as well as the car into the bend.

Sebastian did just that. He put his whole body into the turn as he chased the red car into corner and pulled it tightly round, Kimi doing just as he had thought only more so as he struggled to keep the Ferrari off the curves. Seb barely had time to feel the strain in his neck before he was realigning the wheel, putting his foot down and slipping ahead while Kimi was still pulling his car fully back onto the track from where he'd edged it half over the white line. Daniel had been following all the while, but as he came around, the red car was now blocking his path and Sebastian was free to sail off into the glorious curves of Maggots and Becketts, a broad smile on his face hidden beneath the helmet.

  
  


  
  


The garage burst into life as they cheered Seb stealing third place. Mark wore as wide smile as Seb as he applauded enthusiastically, Fabian at his side bouncing on his toes as he did the same. On the television commentary they were rejoicing in the fact that Seb had miraculously jumped from tenth up to a podium slot in less than a dozen laps, but the way Mark saw it, the restart meant that Seb had been given the chance to go from somewhere nearer to where he ought to have been starting in the first place. In fact given how qualifying had been going up until his off, third had been a realistic hope for the grid. The car _deserved_ third. So did Seb. It felt only right somehow.

Mark was pleased to note that the cameras showed the crowd cheering the move as well. Once apon a time they had booed him here and Mark knew that still hurt. Of course in the car Seb probably couldn't hear it at this speed, but somehow you always sensed it, as if the mood pervaded the entire atmosphere. It had been a ballsy move and Mark was glad to see people appreciate it. Whether there were personal appreciation of the driver making the move as well was harder to tell, but it was at least some form of approbation and no matter how many times Seb said he didn't care, Mark knew he did deep down. It was only human to care about what people thought of you.

Another example of this was just playing out on the screen as the television cut away from showing Sebastian building a small gap and working to pull safely away while he had no dirty air to run in, unlike Daniel now stuck behind Kimi. It changed to show the front runners who they seemed to have temporarily forgotten after the restart. Unseen on television Nico had been cutting into Lewis's lead and now the two of them were playing out a similar battle to that Sebastian had just fought. Each pushing for advantage while deprived of DRS. They were a good third of the track ahead, so now the silver cars were coming into Club and Mark could hear the cheering of the crowd as Lewis' car came in sight of his home fans. As they raced along the straight in front of the pits Mark could hear them cheering Lewis all the way, the sound reverberating off the large Silverstone Wing, but the television pictures showed how close Rosberg ran behind him.

 

The two cars were followed by the FOM helicopter all around the circuit once, then twice, through full laps of the two cars fighting hard, Lewis pulling ahead here, Nico sneaking in close there, but with equal cars neither could either get past or pull away. Then the indication came on screen to show that DRS was re-enabled and Mark knew that things were about to kick off.

The pair went along the straight again and the timings showed that Nico was closer than ever, just fractions of a second behind his team-mate. This time as they approached the Wellington Straight Nico made full use of his DRS advantage and got ahead, nosing inside the hard turn into Brooklands and holding it around Luffield. It was a fair move, but the crowd fumed, booing and yelling from the packed stands as they saw their hero lose the lead.

Mark looked to Fabian and flicked his eyebrows up as they saw the drama played out. Fabian puffed a breath, thinking the crowd were being rather unjust to Nico whose only crime as far as he could see was to beat the home favourite. It made him think back to how his own brother had been booed so unfairly. Logic didn't always seem to sway the masses and he wondered how the drivers handled that. Seb always said it was just part of the game, but even when he had been younger Fabian hadn't been entirely convinced.

  
  


The commentary on television was noting something similar, observing the bias of the crowd and suggesting that perhaps they ought to be glad that they might actually have a real battle between the two front runner to enjoy, rather than bemoaning Lewis's set-back. It seemed they were correct as the pair of silver cars fought each other over the next dozen laps, Nico unable to pull away while Lewis harried him constantly from behind. He couldn't get past though and Mark guessed that Lewis's frustration at being passed was getting the better of him as running in dirty air had to be destroying his tyres.

Sure enough just a few feet along the pitlane the Mercedes mechanics were gathering up tyres and racing out to meet the number 44 car as it pitted before shooting off once more.

Fabian grinned to see that his brother was now running in second place, but the two Mercedes had such a gap to the rest that Lewis came back out only losing a few places and with his superior engine he made quick work of both Dan and Kimi before closing up on Sebastian and overtaking him too. Mark and Fabian both sighed, but it was clear that Seb had only been able to make half an attempt to keep Lewis behind him. Once he was past, Lewis was chasing his team-mate and with new tyres he made fantastic progress, gobbling up the distance until he was in Rosberg's rear view mirrors once more. As they came down the Hangar Straight Lewis opened up the DRS, shoved his foot to the floor and used every bit of advantage to get by.

After that the two leaders were locked in battle once again, only this time it was Nico stuck behind. With older tyres he couldn't maintain the fight as long as Lewis had and was soon making his own journey to the pits.

  
  


Mark had been watching the scrap with the eye of a racing fan, but all the while he kept a check on Seb's times, listening to the radio and doing all he could to keep track of him despite the FOM director clearly deciding that a steadily held third place wasn't interesting enough to focus on. He turned to see Nico whizz past the entrance to the garage before looking back to see much the same as had occurred with Lewis as the Mercedes cut through to regain his second place as if owed it by right.

On principal the Mercedes team allowed their drivers to race, knowing that the viewers loved it and good box-office meant great advertising for their brand. Mark had to respect them for keeping things interesting, but there was a cost to it as he knew from his own experience. As they battled the two cars cost each other time and slowly but surely they dropped further back. Sebastian was getting closer, but Mark knew that the front two had pitted and soon Sebastian would have to as well. Plenty of other cars had already been in and then there it was, the call on the radio and the mechanics in the garage were leaping into action, grabbing tyres and kit and running to the front. Mark and Fabian whipped around to watch the live action, but in the blink of an eye Seb was off again and back on track.

  
  


Sebastian pulled back out of the pitlane onto the main track, counselling himself not to get too annoyed at the fact he was now back in fifth place. He knew his team-mate and the Ferrari had to pit soon too and sure enough first one, then the other did just that and he was back in third place. Seb had pushed a little to warm his tyres, but he hadn't really made any effort to overtake when he had known they were due to come in. Being handed the position back again really wasn't as satisfying, but just so long as he was back up, he didn't care too much.

He couldn't see the two Mercedes cars in front yet, though Seb caught a glance of one of the big screens positioned around the track by a slow corner and saw that they weren't quite as far ahead as he had presumed. There had been a part of him who had almost written off any idea of chasing the silver arrows down seeing as it seemed so unrealistic to pass them, but now Sebastian felt an added incentive and he started to put his foot down, losing sight of the red and blue cars behind him as he chased after the two silver cars ahead.

  
  


Mark noted the gap dropping and listened on the radio as Sebastian made a subtle check with his engineers to be sure he wasn't risking too much, but he had spare fuel as a result of the safety car running and as he was driving in clear air, his tyres were okay. All he really had to deal with was taking care to negotiate his way past the back markers as he lapped them, taking advantage of DRS where he could and slowly but surely sneaking closer and closer.

Up front the two Mercedes had swapped places once and then twice. Nico had taken Lewis with DRS whereas Lewis had snuck a move on his team-mate by sliding inside the sharp left turn between Vale and Club to the delight of the watching hordes on the massed banks there. The television showed the crowds going wild as they waved their flags and honked their horns.

It was entertaining stuff, no denying it, but those in the know could see how the team were shooting themselves in the foot. If the second car would only sit a comfortable two or three seconds back then he would avoid the turbulent air and if the front car stopped concentrating on defending then they would both be going a deal faster and would have built a healthy gap to protect a neat one, two for the team. That wasn't the way they worked though and Mark suspected that even if the team tried to tell Lewis to cool it, he would ignore them and seeing as Nico knew that as well, he maintained the same attitude. Mark could hardly blame them seeing as he and Seb had behaved in much the same way when they had raced each other, but with the value of hindsight he could see it didn't help the team overall.

As the commentators argued over which Mercedes driver they thought was most likely to win, Mark began to wonder if the whole thing might not play into Sebastian's hands. Kimi and Daniel were keeping each other busy behind him, so Seb had pulled away from them. He wasn't yet in touch with the Mercedes, but he was definitely closer. Seb had pitted later too which surely had to imply an advantage at the end of the race. Maybe getting past them was a pipe-dream, but Mark couldn't help but think it wasn't an entirely unrealistic possibility.

  
  


Before too long the cars were coming in for their second, and for most of the field, their last pitstop. Sebastian still had his later than the Mercedes though, so that was something, but for now the order held and Mark wasn't sure whether the final third of the race might not just settle into a parade of cars holding position.

Sebastian couldn't help but think much the same. He kept his foot in, but though he could see the silver cars in the distance when they were at the end of long straights ahead of him, he was still well behind them. He knew he had to keep pushing though. If he laid off then there was every chance Seb could fall into the clutches of Kimi and Daniel in fourth and fifth and even if he couldn't race for the win, he sure as hell wanted a podium after what he had gone through yesterday.  
  


Lewis was still striving to keep his lead, but though there had been a couple of hints over the radio that the team would really like it if they could cool off at least for a while, neither driver was in the mood to do so. Lewis longed for another win in front of his adoring home crowd and Nico wanted nothing more than to steal it from him. There was no let up, no mercy, and frankly from Mark's point of view, no sense in pushing quite so hard for so long.

They had the fuel to be sure seeing as the early safety car had saved it, and the power-trains were doing a fine job of harvesting then deploying energy to boost their turbos, but keeping at it for so long started to put a strain on more than the tyres. Just as Lewis had shot past the main straight once more, Nico in hot pursuit, he came on the radio to say that he felt something not quite right with the car. It was okay through the tight bends, but as he put his foot down on the Wellington Straight the acceleration wasn't what it ought to be and suddenly Nico was past.

Lewis fought the car around the tight 'U' of Luffield, but then to his horror, in front of the packed stands at Woodcote, the engine simply gave out. He put his foot down and nothing. No power. He yelled on the radio, but the team themselves were in consternation, frantically yelling things back at him to try, but none of it worked and by the time he was at the end of the National Straight Lewis knew all hope was lost. The only thing Lewis could do was pull off into the wide run-off at Copse before an almost equally horrified grandstand all watching the silver car trundle to a sickening halt before their eyes.

Lewis did his best to sound calm over the radio as his engineers tried the last few ideas they had to get things going again, but the power-train had failed and coupled with that it seemed they were suffering from hydraulic issues too. It never rained but it poured.

  
  


On the television coverage you could hear the crowd groaning and then as it cut from showing Lewis sinking his head in despair to show his team-mate blithely driving on, the crowds were now shown to be booing in full voice.

Fabian pulled one earphone off and stretched up to Mark who removed an earphone to hear him.

“He's in _second!”_

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yeah mate, I know.”

Fabian widened his smile and Mark had to restrain himself from ruffling his hair. He looked so thrilled, as if he could hardly believe it. Mark was pretty impressed as well. Second would be an awesome result today when a decent points finish had seemed a realistic goal. There were still more then ten laps to go, but surely things looked good?

As soon as he had thought that, Mark wished he hadn't. It felt like tempting fate to consider the result a done deal. They still had a long way to go and from bitter experience he knew that anything could yet happen.

  
  


Sebastian had driven past Lewis's abandoned car and as the virtual safety car was announced he obediently slowed to the prescribed speed. He prayed that the large run-off area there was judged safe enough for the car to be recovered without the need for a real safety car. If that happened all that gap he had built up would be destroyed and though the same would be true of Rosberg in the lead, Seb was more worried that he might lose out to his team-mate or Kimi. He pushed that thought to the back of his mind and focussed on the task in hand, steadily looping the track. Then as the number 44 car was lifted onto a truck and taken away he readied himself to go back up to speed.

In the garage everything went quiet as a radio message from the Mercedes garage was relayed over the airwaves.

“Nico, you may have the same issue as Lewis.”

Fabian's eyes opened so widely Mark nearly laughed, but he was listening as carefully as the rest for the reply.

“She seems okay.”

There was a pause as no doubt a hundred sensors were checked, then a calm response.

“We're monitoring.”

Mark frowned slightly, wondering precisely what that meant. If they knew it was a problem, then surely they would say so. Power-train issues were bad enough, but if that combined with hydraulics giving out it could mean no brakes and Mark's heart still clutched at the idea of a car losing their brakes. He didn't care who was behind the wheel. Actually he did. Seb came top of the list of those he cared about, but he didn't want anyone suffering the same fate as he had.

He puffed a breath and conversely hoped that Nico couldn't go too quickly so Seb could get close and at the same time, didn't want Nico to suffer any kind of failure. Seeing as the team couldn't say and Rosberg wasn't feeding back any specific problems he could feel, perhaps it was nothing and the team were being paranoid after what had happened to Lewis? But then again, engineers were level-headed types who tended to rely on data, not feelings.

  
  


While the Mercedes car ran at reduced speed, the strain was necessarily less, but once the virtual safety car period was ended Rosberg put his foot down to pick things up again. Like any racer he wanted to go full-throttle, but Nico knew that he couldn't. He had to play it safe and obey his team or he too might suffer the same fate as his team-mate and find his day ending in a gravel-trap while the crowd here would no doubt cheer his humiliation.

Sebastian running behind could tell that he was creeping closer. If he hadn't been certain he had been driving at the correct speed whilst the yellow flags flew, Sebastian might have thought he had been going too fast and that was why he was catching up. His engineer had relayed that Nico might have an issue, so now Seb pushed on, trying to see if he could get a visible indication that the leader was in trouble.

Then within half a lap another radio call went out:

“Sorry Nico, you've _got_ to slow it down. We need to manage this.”

The voice sounded apologetic, but as Nico replied, his frustration was evident.

“I can't feel anything.”

“Nico if you do it'll be too late.”

There came no reply and as Mark listened he knew that was because Nico didn't want to broadcast his sigh. On screen the counter had appeared to calculate the difference between Sebastian and Nico, and it was already dropping even before one full lap had been completed. The commentators were getting excited as they saw the same thing and in the garage the tension level ratcheted up a few notches.

  
  


In the car Sebastian could actually see that gap evaporating, the rear of silver car getting ever larger in his vision. Within another lap he was in touch and although even on reduced power the Mercedes car was still a beast, Seb was sure now that it was beatable.

As they wound their way through Maggots and Becketts he got notification that he was within one second and thus had DRS. Sebastian knew he had to go for it. The pair of them shot down the Hangar Straight and as soon as he could Seb flicked the DRS on his rear wing open and felt the boost to his speed. He pushed in close behind Nico to run in his slip-stream, then jinked right, racing alongside him so closely that if he had turned his head the two drivers could have looked one another in the eye. Seb knew he had to hold position, hold his nerve, and hold off the brakes for as long as he dared. He didn't even think about the fact that the corner they were both aiming for was Stowe where twenty-four hours earlier, disaster had struck.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, I can't just leave it there? Yeesh, so cruel...
> 
> I mean you know when I say two-parter I mean three-parter, right?


	147. Sooner the Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here, we go, the last part with the race finish. Sorry if you've been holding your breath, Mark's been right there with you.

 

  
  


Mark of course could think of nothing else _but_ yesterday: how Seb had suffered another close call and how it had frightened the life out of him; how easily something could happen again, something worse...

He held his breath and resisted the urge to close his eyes as the two cars engaged in a high-speed game of chicken to see who would brake latest. In the end it was Rosberg who knew he couldn't entirely trust his car to behave as it normally would. He stamped on the brakes knowing that with Sebastian sat on his inside there was no way he could take the racing line when Seb was right there in his path. Nico dropped back as Sebastian shot through, braking hard, then immediately turned the wheel to sweep tightly through the corner. There was a puff of smoke from his tortured tyres, but Seb somehow managed not to lock up. Then he was gone, off along Vale with just time to catch his breath before the sharp left, right, left round into Club, Nico left fuming in his wake, already on the radio to complain that without full-power he was crippled and unable to properly defend.

No one in the RedBull garage was listening though. They were far too busy leaping and cheering to celebrate the fact that their man was now leading the race. Fabian looked slightly stunned as he did so, turning to Mark with a gasp.

“Oh my god!”

Mark pulled off an earphone, but he knew what Fabian had said. He shook his head, still recovering slightly from the feeling of almost pure terror that ran through him when he watched Seb brake hard into a fast corner like that.

“Bloody hell,” he laughed, relief flowing through him.

“The lead!”

“I know mate, I know.”

Mark shook his head again and smiled. It was incredible, but watching this never got any easier. He pulled his headphones back on properly to hear Christian whooping down the radio and huffed a laugh to himself as a loud _'Yessss!'_ came back from Sebastian at the wheel.

 

Seb knew he still had over five laps to go and Nico remained in his rear mirrors. He might be stymied by technical issues, but Nico wasn't giving up. If Seb made any kind of mistake then he would be right there to make the most of it and retake the lead Rosberg believed ought to be his. They looped the track, the Mercedes car doing all it could to balance managing what might or might not be a fault whilst still trying to stay in touch. There was no let up for either of them.

 

In the garage there was a sudden switch of attention as the television cameras showed that Daniel too was finally getting the chance he needed and at last found a way past the tenacious Räikkönen to jump into third place. Mark and Fabian smiled and applauded with the rest, but now freed from being held back Daniel was chasing down Rosberg in second. The laps were counting down, but to Mark it felt as though they had switched to run in slow-motion. He wanted to pace up and down to quell his nerves, but Mark knew that the cameras had been pointed in here more than once this afternoon, and that wasn't the image he wanted projected to the world. He pushed out a slow breath and balled his hands into fists by his side. Four laps to go. Three. Two...

 

Sebastian pulled around the tight 'U' of Luffield and spared a glance across to the other side of the loop to see not only the silver car of Nico chasing him, but an indigo one to match his own as Daniel followed them through. As they went around now Rosberg was in the unenviable position of trying to chase for the lead whilst simultaneously holding off the car behind. He knew that the Ferrari in fourth wasn't far beyond Ricciardo and if he fell to one pursuer, then Nico knew he could be taken by the next and then he would fall from a race win to being off the podium and that just wouldn't do, even if Lewis was only getting a DNF today.

 

Soon they were coming around to the main International Straight once more, crossing the start-finish line and the counter on the television rolled over to show that it was the last lap. Mark was willing the seconds to pass, for Seb to keep on pushing until the very last moment. He just had to hold on and not make any mistakes. Easier said than done. On the pitwall Christian's foot was jiggling on overtime.

 

Sebastian was trying not to think about the fact he was so close to the end. He focussed on every corner, every braking point, every sensation from the car as he sped up and slowed repeatedly as he made his way around the circuit, passing each familiar point. Nico had fallen back a little, but Sebastian knew he couldn't relax. If he did that then the chances were he was more likely to make a mistake; to run wide, to lock up, to over-run a corner and throw the whole thing away. He fed the car neatly through Maggots Becketts one last time, sped along the Hangar Straight, wound round the last few bends and zoomed in front of the grandstands to see the chequered flag waving. Seb weaved the car to the right and slowed the moment he was past the line to acknowledge the RedBull team members who had flung themselves at the gaps in the pitlane to wave and cheer him as he passed.

 

Only then did Sebastian let out the breath he hadn't realised he had been holding. He took in another deep breath to rebalance himself, then listened on the radio as first the sound of his engineer came over confirming the win, then his boss was on, shouting with as much relief as excitement.

“Sebi you did it! You're a winner again!”

The words rolled around Sebastian's head: A winner again. _Finally_.

It had been so long. He tried to reply, but his voice came out far more brokenly than Seb expected.

“Yeah...” He took a sharp breath. “Thank you. To everyone, the whole team. Thank you for having faith in me.”

  
  


Although Seb was going at a far slower speed now, he was already coming around Luffield and past the bank of stands at Woodcote. He glanced towards them and was almost surprised to see how many of the crowd were applauding. As he went on Sebastian allowed himself to listen beyond the sound of his engine and even inside his helmet Seb could hear cheering. They were cheering him. It had to be for him, because he knew it wasn't likely to be for Rosberg and Daniel was further back now as he too had slowed to give the team a wave as he passed them. Seb slowed a little more as he came towards Copse and deliberately veered wide this time to get closer to the stand there where he could unmistakably see more people cheering. He took a hand off the wheel and gave them an acknowledging wave before coming back on track to continue his lap back to the pits.

As he went through Stowe this time Seb, who had been ignoring thoughts of yesterday earlier, now couldn't avoid reflecting on it; How it had felt like disaster and how much it had thrown him, metaphorically as well as literally; how it had frightened Mark. _Mark_. He hadn't even thanked Mark on the radio, all his family.

“I want to say thank you to my family, how much they mean to me, how much this means...”

Seb's voice broke and he couldn't go on. All he could think of now was how his little accident yesterday was nothing by comparison to what had happened after his last win, how he had feared that this might never happen again. Very nearly a year had passed. Sometimes it felt like an eternity.

 

As Sebastian pulled into the slip road leading to the pitlane he couldn't stop tears from streaming. He had to slow right down because he could hardly see where he was going and Seb was grateful when he came around to pull up in Parc Fermé. He worked on automatic pilot to park the car and stop the engine. Then he let his head sink as Sebastian suddenly felt overwhelmed. It was almost like shock hitting him. All he'd been through to get here, how hard it had been. He'd nearly died, hell he _had_ died. He'd had to re-learn to walk, had to reclaim memories of his life, headaches that sometimes floored him, how hard he'd had to fight to get back here. His brain was whirling with emotion combining with all the adrenaline still flowing through him and Seb had to close his eyes to try to rein it in.

He felt a pat on his shoulder and Sebastian jumped, lifting his head to see that it was Nico, his vanquished opponent, stood by the car giving his congratulations. Seb took a steadying breath and gave a nod of thanks, glad that Nico hopefully couldn't see through his closed visor. Sebastian pulled himself together and started organising himself to climb out of the car. He still felt a little shaky, but he managed the job. As he re-fitted the wheel Daniel was over from where he had parked the other RedBull car in third place and Sebastian stood up to receive his hug. Dan lifted him clean off the ground and Seb ended up smiling at how enthusiastic his team-mate was, but it wasn't the hug he really wanted.

Seb looked over to see the team lined up by the barrier, all applauding as they leaned over looking at him. There was a whole crowd of them there, but amongst them was one face Sebastian immediately picked out, a little higher than the others. Mark. Of course Mark was there, and there tucked in by his side, Seb's brother, waving and grinning as he clung to the top of the barrier to keep his place in the melee.

 

Sebastian wanted to see them properly and for them to see him, so he knew he had to remove his helmet. He didn't want to show the world what a mess he must look though, so Seb carefully took his helmet and HANS device off, then as he pulled off his fireproof balaclava he made sure to swipe it over his face to dry it while turning away from the crowds. It was probably still obvious he had been crying, but he hoped he didn't look quite so bad now.

Seb dumped his things down on the top of the car and spared a quick wave to the stands and the crowds rushing onto the opened track beyond, then with his radio earphones pulled out now he heard a voice over the din.

“ _Seb!”_

He huffed a laugh, knowing instantly that was his over-excited little brother. As if he didn't know they were there? Seb smiled and rushed over, flinging himself first at Mark, then letting go to hug his brother as well.

“Oh my god, Seb!” was all Fabian could manage.

Sebastian gave him another hug and smiled at him, feeling comforted by the presence of his loved ones. His brother's eyes were shining and he looked at him for a moment before ruffling his hair to tease him.

“You won!” exclaimed Fabian.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah I know.”

“You're amazing.”

“You're bloody incredible, that's what you are.”

Seb looked to Mark now and for a moment they simply stared at one another, then Mark leaned further over the barrier to put his arms around Seb once again, pulling him in more slowly this time to hold him close. Sebastian put his arms around Mark's neck and let his forehead rest against Mark's. For just a few seconds all the other people around them went away. Seb stood on his tiptoes and reached up to kiss Mark on the lips, no thought of the cameras that must be pointed at them. He didn't care and neither did Mark. All they cared about was looking into one another's eyes and making it just about them for _one_ more moment before the rest of the world pushed in.

As Sebastian loosened his hold, Mark gave him a smile and stroked down Seb's arm then let him go. He could see the redness in Seb's eyes and knew that he would be better off with a far longer hug away from all these people. They both knew the score though. Sebastian took in a breath and gave Mark a last smile to tell him he was okay, then went to see the members of team pressed in along the barrier waiting to congratulate him, doing his best to say thank you to them as he was slapped on the arm and the back repeatedly. Britta was there along with Adrian who had been on the pitwall today, but his boss was nowhere to be seen and Seb wondered where Christian had got to. Perhaps he had been waylaid by the media? Sebastian didn't have much time to think about it before he was being congratulated by someone else in the team and he smiled and nodded before moving on.

 

After that he only had time for a quick nod to his brother and Mark and a mouthed thank you, before Seb was being led away to do his duty: he grabbed his helmet and rushed off to be weighed and checked before going up to the pre-podium room. Christian was in there waiting and as Sebastian walked in he found himself being hugged so energetically it nearly knocked him off balance. As he let go his boss started telling Seb again how impressed he was and how great he thought it was to have him winning again as he always knew he would, but Sebastian couldn't really take it in. He felt as though he was being tumbled through great waves, plunged deep in the water where all he could do was go with the flow.

Daniel and Nico had exchanged a few words, but Seb felt as though he had nothing to say. He merely smiled as they both congratulated him again and gave them nods back. Then they were off out onto the podium, Seb going last to join them. He took the top step and looked out, not to the crowd, but down to where Mark and Fabian stood at the side below. His brother was still waving excitedly, but Seb's eyes were drawn to Mark's who simply smiled as he looked up, applauding. They'd been here before, but not quite like this, not with Seb as a winner. A winner. _He was a winner._

Sebastian's heart was pounding. Only now did he feel it. His whole body was thrumming, the blood racing around his veins just as he had around the circuit. He let his eyes close for a moment to compose himself, knowing that the ceremony was about to begin. As they announced his first place and he took the trophy from the assigned dignitary, Sebastian wondered how it was his hands didn't shake. He did what he needed to though. Seb smiled and held up the trophy. He sprayed the champagne at the others and out at those below. Then Sebastian stopped as he got to the edge of the podium balcony to see that now beside Mark and Fabian, his parents had appeared. He stared down at them, trying to remember if they had ever done this before. Normally his family stayed safely away from all this madness but not today. Today it seemed they couldn't sit quietly in hospitality, they had to be here. They had to see their son up on the podium, a winner once more.

 

Soon enough microphones were being handed over and Sebastian saw DC coming out to interview them. He was grateful that it was a friend and not some random celebrity awkwardly stumbling through the formalities. This way it felt as though it was someone on his side, or at least someone who knew what they were talking about.

David smiled at him and puffed a breath.

“Well Seb, this really is something. Congratulations,” he began.

“Thanks.”

“We might not have a British winner today, but we do have a home winner in a way, seeing as you live so close.”

“Guess so.”

“And this is your first win, since... well, since last year.”

David was trying to avoid mentioning his accident, but everyone knew what he meant, no one more than Sebastian himself. He nodded, feeling suddenly choked.

“Yeah.”

DC looked at him, seeing that Seb was affected, but unable to avoid the matter that everyone had been discussing from the moment he took the lead.

“It must feel pretty special to be back up on the top spot,” he suggested.

Sebastian nodded and tried to smile. He swallowed and looked past DC for Mark down below to strengthen him.

“Ten months ago this must have seemed a long way off,” supposed David.

Seb almost laughed at the understatement. He tried to think exactly where he was ten months ago. Still in hospital, though he couldn't quite place whether it had been in Italy or England by that point. Either way things hadn't been good. Seb took a deep breath to enable himself to speak.

“Ten months ago I think this was unimaginable,” he admitted. Sebastian shook his head. “Even nine months ago just getting to race again was a dream.”

“You've come a long way.”

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian, “but not on my own. I couldn't do it on my own, so I just... while I have the chance, I want to thank my family for supporting me, to thank Mark, my husband, for doing that more than I can say, for literally holding me up when I couldn't do it on my own and making this a possibility. Thank you.”

 

Mark gazed up from below, thinking he might well be the one to crack and start crying in public. Norbert put a hand on his arm and Mark spared a quick glance in his direction to acknowledge it. The action somehow called him back to the present. He took in a breath and returned his attention to Sebastian stood only twenty feet away. Up on the podium David was moving things on, not wanting to push Seb too far.

“It's good that they could be here today.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah it is.”

“Especially seeing as you've had a tough weekend.”

Seb huffed a dry little laugh.

“I think these things are relative.”

David smiled and gave a tip of his head.

“Indeed. Well, on behalf of a lot of people today, well done and hopefully we'll see you up here plenty more times in future.”

“Thanks.”

 

DC moved on to interview the other two, each of which graciously took the chance to congratulate Sebastian publicly before discussing the problems they had individually suffered in the race preventing them from winning. Seb gave them each a nod of thanks before David came back to grab a last word with him. He turned and looked out to the gathered crowd.

“Nice to see the good reception you've had today,” David observed.

“Yeah it's great,” nodded Seb. “There's a fantastic crowd here today.”

“Great that it's a home race for the team as well,” noted David.

“It is. Lots of the team have their families here today as well, so I'd like to say thank you to them too.”

DC huffed a little laugh.

“The team or their families?”

“Both,” shrugged Sebastian. “I'm pretty sure that they would say they couldn't do their job without the support of their families, just the same as I would, so I owe this to them too.”

“Nice to be part of a bigger family.”

Seb looked at him and nodded.

“Yeah it is,” he agreed, think he was glad to be part of a bigger family these days with Mark and his family, but they wanted to extend their branch of the family too. If today was possible, perhaps that was too?

“Well thank you Seb, Nico, Daniel and everyone, a great race today, I hope you all enjoyed it,” signed off David.

  
  


Sebastian picked up his trophy, grateful that this very public bit was over. He still had a lot to get through, but at least it wouldn't be in front of quite so many people. They all trooped off the podium, then once they had put down their Pirelli caps and trophies the three drivers walked on through to head down the stairs once more.

Seb got two-thirds of the way down before he noticed Mark stood there at the bottom waiting for him. He smiled as it struck him that he had done the same thing at Mark's race here not so long ago. Sebastian paid no attention to the other two drivers and rushed down to meet him, almost launching himself off the steps to throw himself at him. Mark would have laughed, but he was too busy catching hold of Sebastian who had not only thrown his arms around his neck, but had gone full body and wrapped his legs against him too.

If Mark hadn't been firmly stood there he thought he might very well have been sent backwards, which in truth he wouldn't have objected to but for the solid concrete floor. All he could do was grab on tight to hang on to Sebastian and appreciate it. Moments later Seb relaxed his hold and let his legs slide down, but he kept his arms around Mark's neck as Mark in turn kept a hold of him, their bodies pressed in tight. Seb used the way Mark had his hands holding at his lower back now to balance himself as he stood on tiptoe to try to stay level with him. They gazed into one another's eyes, not needing any words.

Neither of them noticed Nico and Dan raising their eyebrows then smiling as they shook their heads and walked away. Dan had been tempted to make a joke about them getting a room, but he'd decided now wasn't the moment for it and besides the pair looked so wrapped up in one another, both literally and metaphorically, that he wasn't sure they would have heard him.

 

Their lips met and Sebastian closed his eyes to make the most of it, then they both relaxed their hold a little to allow Seb to lower down. He pressed back in and rested the side of his face on Mark's shoulder, letting himself have a moment away from things to feel safely buried away. Mark took a deep breath as he squeezed Sebastian in, feeling how hard his heart was beating.

Seb smiled as Mark dipped his head to press their cheeks together and let the feeling of calmness induced by the physical contact flow through him. It felt so good to embrace properly away from the cameras, no barriers in their way. Just one more moment of this to hang on to before he ploughed on with his media duties, then he knew he had to let go. Seb stood back and Mark simply smiled and shook his head.

“Incredible. I meant it darling.”

Seb smiled back.

“Thank you. I guess I got a bit lucky with the Mercs in trouble, but...”

“Nope, you made your own luck. I swear you won that race ninety percent in the first ten minutes. Brilliant stuff.”

 

There was a staged cough in the background and the pair of them turned to see Britta stood there waiting.

“Sorry guys, Seb's late for the winners' press conference.”

“Oh, god yeah I almost forgot,” Seb admitted.

Mark huffed a laugh at that even being possible.

“Don't let me hold you up then,” he smiled.

“Okay, um, I guess I'll be a while.”

“Course you will, don't worry about it. Well done again sweetheart. I'm so proud of you.”

Sebastian smiled at him.

“Thank you. Oh, hang on, my family?”

“They headed straight back to the motorhome. They're fine. Best they shot off before the media reassembled.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I'll go join them now. You take your time, we'll be waiting.”

“Okay, thank you Liebling.”

Mark knew Britta was waiting too, but he stole a kiss anyway.

“Love you.”

“Love you too. You did hear me say thank you up there didn't you Liebling?”

“Course I did. Thank you sweetheart.”

Mark wanted to say more, but he saw how antsy Britta looked in the background and knew Sebastian was running late, though he was pretty sure the press would wait for him.

“Go do what you need to. I'll see you later.

“Okay.”

  
  


Sebastian allowed himself to be taken away by Britta to go over to the press conference. Mark puffed a breath, then turned on his heel and went on out to the paddock. Luckily the majority of the press were busy with the official sessions with the drivers in the pen or at the conference, but there were several camera crews roaming the paddock. Mark did his best to weave his way past them, but with his height and distinctive appearance being so well known it was impossible to hide. He didn't want to appear too brusque so Mark gave a few words to the Sky crew who had got in his path, telling them how proud he was of Seb and how he had known that Seb would be back to winning before long.

“It was touching to hear him talk about how you supported him during his recovery,” noted Simon.

Mark shrugged, thinking how any other action would have been unthinkable.

“He rarely speaks about it,” commented Martin.

“No, well...”

“Once apon a time I don't think Sebastian would have confessed anything so personal.”

Mark gave Martin a look.

“To be honest mate he barely scraped the surface with what he went through to get back racing, but there you go. We don't think about it much these days. We'd rather focus on the future.”

“I'm sure.”

Mark looked past them to see the RedBull base in the background.

“Sorry guys I need to get on.”

“Looking after the family?” guessed Johnny.

Mark merely gave a little flick of his eyebrows so they took that as a yes.

“Good that they could be here today,” Simon noted.

“Of course.”

“Was that a change of plan? They weren't here yesterday were they?”

“They just wanted to be here to support him,” answered Mark vaguely. “Though of course they always do that, whether here or not.”

“I don't suppose Sebastian was about to let yesterday's incident stand in the way of achieving all he could today was he?” smiled Martin.

Mark huffed a dry breath, thinking that if dying couldn't stop Seb, a little bump wasn't likely to.

“Nope.”

“Drivers have to compartmentalise I suppose, put it to one side so when the visor comes down they can race no matter what. Seb must have got pretty good at that.”

Mark puffed a breath and shook his head at the understatement.

“You have no idea mate. Right, I've got to get on, sorry.”

“Well, um, thanks Mark.”

  
  


Mark turned and swept on before they could speak again, leaving him trapped. He walked briskly on and almost reached the base when in front he came across DC busily discussing the RedBull team, sharing his insights to camera as to how they had returned to winning ways.

“Mark.”

Mark halted, unable to bypass him.

“Hey.”

“This is a happy day then.”

“Yeah mate.”

“Don't suppose you ever doubted him.”

Mark smiled.

“Nope.”

“I suppose we shouldn't be surprised to see Seb winning again.”

“No well I'm certainly not. Pleased of course because he's worked bloody hard to get here, but not surprised.”

“It must have taken great determination to fight his way back.”

Mark paused, then decided he ought to let people watching at least have some idea of the credit Seb was due.

“Yeah it was a fight, that's true, but Seb's got an inner steel. He might not look it, but he's a tough little sod. Nobody walks four world championships, no matter how good the car is and if people thought he had it easy then, well they really weren't paying attention. It's the same steel that got him back on his feet last year, back in the car and now back on the top step again and nothing about that's been easy either.”

“A long road for you too I guess.”

Mark merely shrugged, not wanting to make Seb's success about him.

“He did all the hard work. I was just there.”

DC looked at him, thinking of the hints Jenson had given him about how hard a time the couple had been through and knew Mark was playing down his part in it.

“Nice to see that rewarded though,” he commented.

“Yeah it is. Seb deserves today.”

“You looked pretty nervous in the garage,” observed DC, thinking about the shots FOM had shown of the RedBull garage during the race.

“Did I?” Mark shrugged. “Well I guess that's the deal.”

“The deal?”

“Yeah. He supports me at my races and I do the same at his.”

“And that's nerve-wracking stuff?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“It's killer mate, but there you go.”

“Worth it today though.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“It's always worth it.”

David reflected the smile and nodded.

“You must be very proud today.”

“I am, but then I always am. I've had a thousand things to be proud of Seb for.”

David smiled, wondering what those things were and guessed that they had little enough to do with racing. His co-presenters looked as though they were about to join in so Mark cut things off before he was delayed any longer.

“Good to see you, anyway,” he completed, barely giving DC time to echo the sentiment before dodging off and disappearing with haste into the motorhome before anyone else could get in his way.

  
  


As Mark walked in Seb's parents and brother waved over from the table where they sat and he went over to join them.

“Sorry, I got waylaid,” he apologised.

“We saw,” commented Norbert with a nod towards the television that was playing out the post-race coverage.

“Ah.” Mark gave a little tip of his head. “Don't suppose they've shown the press conference today?”

Norbert shook his head.

“No, just drivers in the pen.”

Mark nodded.

“I just wondered if they might today. Guess they don't often unless something dramatic happens.”

“I never get why that is,” piped up Fabian.

“Well it's supposed to be print journos only,” explained Mark.

“Why?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. To make them feel special maybe?”

The others laughed, though Mark suspected it might actually be true.

  
  


They passed the time by watching the driver interviews begin to play out from the media pen. Mark hoped that when Sebastian got there they might be tiring of the session and not push him too hard, though he suspected he would be stuck for a while. Most of the drivers took the opportunity to congratulate Seb on his win while they spoke about their own races which pleased his family watching, though Mark suspected that it was at least in part down to the fact that all drivers knew it could be them in Sebastian's shoes and they all hoped that if anything similar ever happened to them then they would similarly return to racing success.

Lewis appeared, already changed into his team kit rather than his race-suit like most of the rest. Mark noted he was in full battle wear: heavy gold jewellery, dark sunglasses and cap pulled low. Clearly he wasn't in the mood for being interrogated after his disasterous day, but the duty was no less avoidable for Lewis than it was for Seb. The interviewer sympathised with his ill-fortune in the race and Lewis could only agree that it was bad luck.

“It must be very disappointing after your pole position start.”

“Mm.”

“Especially in front of your home crowd.”

Even behind the sunglasses Mark thought he saw Lewis give the interviewer a look.

“Yeah well... what can you do?” he offered, trying not to sound as crushed as he clearly was.

“These things happen I suppose.”

“Mm...” Lewis sighed and seemed to recompose himself, trying to find a positive. “The team are pretty gutted too. They're already working hard to try to find what the problem was.”

“It seemed to affect both cars.”

“Apparently, yes.”

“Can you tell us exactly what the problem was?”

“Not really. You'd be better off asking the engineers. We push the limits, these things happen.”

“And Sebastian was able to capitalise on your misfortune.”

“Well that's racing. He did well to come up from where he started.”

“Especially after what happened in quali yesterday.”

“Exactly,” agreed Lewis, seeming to perk up a little. “Yeah it's great to see Seb up there winning today if I couldn't. After all he's been through, he really deserves it, so I'm happy for him. On a crappy day, it's nice to have something to be glad about.”

 

“That was kind of him,” noted Heike.

Mark nodded.

“He's always been nice to me,” added Fabian.

“Not the person you see in the media then,” Norbert suggested.

“No, well you know what my opinion of all that lot is,” his wife rejoined.

Mark just 'hmm'd' agreement, hoping to see Seb on screen soon.

  
  


 

Sebastian himself was hoping to be back in the motorhome before too long. He was being led by Britta around the pen, trying to find responses to repeated questions from each and every reporter and interviewer on his first win since Monza. He didn't want to get too much into how things had been in the aftermath of his accident and Seb was beginning to regret referring to it on the podium, but he really hadn't had time to compose himself to think about the consequences of his remarks when he had been up there, still reeling from the victory itself.

“It shows real determination to come back from such a serious accident and win again.”

Seb glanced to Britta, wondering what to say.

“I'm hardly the first to have had to do that. Although of course I'm very glad that it is far less frequent these days.”

The interviewer nodded.

“I was thinking about that and I was thinking that to the best of my knowledge the last person to have such a serious accident in F1 and come back to be successful again was Mika Häkkinen,” she noted.

“Oh.” Sebastian frowned, trying to think whether that was correct. “Well Felipe had a pretty nasty one a few years back and he came back. I'm not the only one.”

“Yes but Massa hasn't won since.”

Sebastian looked back at the interviewer thinking that wasn't a particularly kind thing to highlight.

“He's had plenty of podiums and who's to say he won't win again? We're all here to do the best that we can. Sometimes the fates just have to align. I guess they just did for me today.”

The interviewer seemed to guess that he wasn't liking her line of questioning, so she brought it around.

“It's your first win as a Vettel-Webber,” she noted.

Sebastian nodded in agreement though she was hardly the first to comment on that fact.

“Yeah that's pretty special. I'm not the first Vettel-Webber to win though, so I guess I'm glad to join that list.”

The interviewer laughed unexpectedly.

“It's a pretty exclusive club.”

“Yeah,” smiled Seb, “just the two of us.” _So far,_ he didn't add.

  
  


Britta moved him on and Seb puffed a breath wondering why the media were so obsessed with making comparisons, whether with him and other racers, or him now and how he was in the past. Moving on with them didn't seem to be an option.

“Seb, you seemed pretty emotional after your win.”

Sebastian looked at the voice recorder shoved under his nose, then back up at the reporter and those around him looking to him for a response to something that to his mind contained no question for him to answer. He decided to wait it out and the reporter realised they had better say something more.

“That's pretty unusual for you. Do you think you've changed since your accident?”

“Hmm, I don't know about that.”

“It must have affected you though.”

Seb hid his sigh. How many times had he heard this now? He tried not to lose patience, but he couldn't help replying more honestly than he intended.

“Of course it affected me. I'm a human being.”

“You very nearly died though.”

“I very actually died,” reposted Seb, not wanting to let them see how remarks like that could hurt him. “So that rather puts a slight bump in qualifying into perspective.”

The group of reporters gathered in front of him looked slightly taken aback, just as he had intended in order for him to regain the upper hand. He gave a sideways glance to Britta who took the cue to move them on. Seb was beginning to feel pummelled by the media harping on and on about his crash, both from yesterday and in Monza. They almost seemed more interested in that than his race win today, as if today was the day he had come back to life, not last September.

  
  


He found himself in front of Lee MacKenzie, and guessed that Britta had saved someone decent for when he was starting to get tired.

“Hey Lee,” he greeted, doing his best to perk up for her.

“Well it's nice to see that smile,” she smiled back.

“And likewise,” agreed Seb.

“Congratulations for your win today. Long overdue.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“I don't know about that. Perhaps it happened right when it was meant to?”

“You think things happen for a reason?”

“Ha I don't know. I don't pretend to have all the answers. Let's just say I'm glad it happened today and leave it there.”

“It was nice your family could be here.”

“Yeah it is.”

“And Mark.”

“Mark is my family.”

“Sorry.”

“No that's okay. It's just, they're not two separate things. I'm very lucky to have great support and I'm thankful for it, whether that's my husband, my parents, my brother and sisters, all my wider family I have now...” Seb gave a little shake of his head. “I'm far more grateful for that than any trophy.”

Behind the camera Lee raised her eyebrows a little and Sebastian thought he had better qualify that statement.

“I mean obviously it's great to win today and I'm thrilled, especially for the team who have supported me so fantastically, but just... you know everyone keeps asking if I've changed and I guess really it's just that it gives you perspective.”

Lee gave him a half-smile.

“Pretty extreme way to get it.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah you could say that. I think I've got quite enough perspective to keep me going for a while.”

“I'm glad to hear it.”

Seb nodded, warming to his theme.

“I think perhaps the other important part of that though is I realise how hard it is for my family to go through watching me racing, especially when things have happened like yesterday. I don't think I fully appreciated that before, so it's better that I do now, though of course a good part of that comes from me watching Mark race, but anyway... I'm just glad I got to say a proper public thank you to them today.”

Lee nodded.

“I'm sure they appreciated it, as do we. It's nice to see you on top again Seb.”

“Thanks.”

“Enjoy it.”

“I intend to.”

 

Lee lowered he microphone and gave the sign to her cameraman to switch off. While he turned away and took a few steps back to check the shot, Lee looked back at Sebastian before he had the chance to walk away. She glanced around to see that most of the media had cleared off now, then leaned over the barrier towards him.

“Seb.”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

Sebastian frowned slightly.

“Don't you do that for a living?”

“Yeah. I meant me.”

“You mean off the record?” queried Seb.

“I mean there is no record. Just me asking.”

Seb looked her in the eye, then nodded. Lee hesitated then asked what had been on her mind for a long time.

“Do you remember our chat in Italy?”

Seb furrowed his brow.

“In Italy?”

“Yeah, Monza,” clarified Lee cautiously. “In the week before the race.”

“Oh.”

She looked at him, hoping she wasn't upsetting him by mentioning it. Seeing as Seb looked blank Lee decided she ought to give him more details.

“We did an interview,” she explained. “You and me I mean. A long one... it's just, well you mentioned then about watching Mark race and... You don't remember it do you?”

Sebastian gave a shake of his head.

“Sorry.”

“Oh god, no don't be sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. I was just curious.” She sighed. “Really Seb I'm sorry. I just couldn't help wondering.”

“Was it a good interview?”

Lee smiled softly.

“Yeah one of our best. We had a nice long chat. I felt terrible afterwards, after the race that is. You know a lot of us... We really were worried for you.”

“Thanks I guess. I mean, sorry, of course thanks.”

“You've really done great to come back and be on top again.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyway, congratulations again.”

“Is that off the record too?”

Lee smiled and nodded.

“Yeah that's just from me.”

“Thanks. Right, better go.”

“Family waiting?”

“Yep,” smiled Seb.

“Say hi to Mark for me.”

“Will do.”

  
  


Sebastian left the pen with Britta and headed straight back to the motorhome as fast as he could. As soon as he walked in it seemed as though everyone in there turned to see him and Sebastian was stunned when the whole place spontaneously broke into applause. He felt slightly embarrassed and was relieved when Mark reached him to pull him into a hug. Sebastian let out a long breath, feeling as though he could finally enjoy the fact that he had actually won without it having to be complicated by so many other emotions. He hugged Mark back, then let go to see his brother waiting his turn and gave him a hug as well before going to join his parents who also wanted a hug. As he was finally released by his mother who had held on to him even more firmly than Mark, Seb smiled.

“Thanks. Sorry that took so long.”

“No problem,” dismissed his father. “Mark's been looking after us.”

Mark caught Seb's eye and smiled at the notion that sitting with his family while they watched TV constituted 'looking after'.

“Your sisters rang to say congratulations,” related Seb's mother.

“Oh I'll have to try to call them back.”

Heike shook her head.

“They know you're still working. It was just to pass on.”

“Okay, well say thanks back and I'll get in touch when I can.”

“My folks rang too,” added Mark.

Sebastian smiled at him.

“Were they watching?”

“Yep. Dad says he can't remember seeing a better start and mum says she aged an extra five years.”

Seb let out a little laugh and put a hand to his mouth.

“Oh god, tell her sorry.”

Mark grinned and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Nah, she loves it really. Leanne also rang and says they're all thrilled, especially Ryan who said he was impressed you did that thing where you make the car thinner again to squeeze past other cars.”

“You spoke to him?”

Mark shook his head.

“Packed off to bed the second you got your trophy apparently, but even my sister didn't have the heart to make him miss the finish, though he'll probably snore through school tomorrow.”

Seb smiled, feeling wonderful to have so much family on his side.

“Well tell them thank you too. We'll have to call them back as well.”

“Think they'll have called it a night now sweetheart, but sure, tomorrow.”

Sebastian nodded, then all this talk of time made him realise he had to be getting on.

“Right, well sorry again, but I need to change and then I'm due back at the garage.”

His mother sighed at how hard her son had to work, but at least today was a happy one.

“We're fine here,” she assured.

Sebastian went to go, Mark automatically following. Fabian looked as if he wanted to follow as well, but he knew he couldn't so he sat back down with his parents while the other two left.

  
  


 

Once up in his room Mark and Seb took a moment for a private hug and kiss. Then Seb grabbed a quick shower and redressed while Mark waited sitting on the bed, asking a few tentative questions about how the media had been to judge how he was. As Sebastian pulled on jeans and a RedBull top he stopped and looked to Mark.

“I dunno Liebling. I get why they're interested, but it's weird that they're treating it like the last year didn't happen. It's as though they've forgotten everything that's come in-between.”

Mark stood up to be next to him. He stroked a hand over Seb's hair and over his cheek.

“Well I don't forget.”

“No, me neither.”

They looked into each other's eyes, then Mark gave him a smile.

“Some pretty damn important stuff's happened in that time.”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a kiss, knowing they were both thinking of the same things: their wedding, their decision to adopt, all the good times they'd had together: Being out in Australia, time with their families, just being home together and happy. The paddock seemed to forget that people's entire lives didn't revolve around racing.

“What have you got now then?” checked Mark.

“Just team stuff. Photo and debrief, chance to say thanks to the guys.”

“Righto, no more media?”

“No. I told Britta I've had enough.”

“Good,” nodded Mark, glad to hear Seb being assertive enough to protect himself instead of acquiescing to every request like he used to feel compelled to.

 

 

They headed back downstairs, Sebastian feeling considerably refreshed now. He took a moment to sit at the table with his family.

“Um, so I need to get back to the garage I'm afraid,” he explained.

“Of course,” nodded his father.

“Sorry, I wish I had more time for you.”

“Nonsense, you're working. Don't worry about it Seb.”

“What time is your flight back?”

“Half six. Fabian has sorted our check-in on his phone, so that should save us time.”

“How that works I've no idea,” commented his mother.

Sebastian smiled at his brother who rolled his eyes at their mother not understanding new technology.

“Righto, so what time do you have to head off?”

“Britta arranged a car for half four.”

That didn't seem long, but Seb knew they had dashed over to be here today.

“You could stay?” he offered.

Fabian immediately perked up, looking to his parents.

“Yeah would could. We could rearrange our flights?”

His father shook his head as did his mother.

“No Fabian, you have school in the morning,” Heike reminded him firmly.

“Yeah but...”

“No buts,” decided Norbert. “Of course we're glad to have come Seb, Mark, and it's very kind of you to offer, but we need to head home as planned.”

“If we'd planned it a bit more in advance we could have sorted out the plane for you.”

Fabian's eyes widened.

“Your private plane?”

“Well the one we're hiring. It does other jobs obviously when we've not booked it.”

“Wow that would be...”

“Completely unnecessary,” interrupted their father firmly. “Private plane to hop from Germany to France? Waste of money when there's perfectly good regular flights at a fraction of the cost.”

Fabian huffed slightly at the dashing of a dream. He suspected the only way he was likely to get on a private jet was if he was actually travelling with his brother and that was pretty unlikely.

“It was really very simple to get here,” assured his mother calmly. “Though we'll be glad to be safely home again and back to normal for the week. It's good that we can fit it all in a day.”

“Of course,” agreed Sebastian. “That's fine. I just wish I could give you more time.”

“Don't worry about it.”

“We saw you win dear,” added Heike, “that's more than enough.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thank you for being here. It did make a difference you know.”

 

His parents looked to one another, hardly knowing what to say, but Fabian looked pleased at his brother's praise when it had been his idea to come.

“You know I was with you last time you won too,” he pointed out.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Maybe you're Seb's lucky charm?”

“Yeah,” smiled Fabian. “I reckon I should come to all your races.”

Seb laughed, but he saw the look in his mother's eye.

“Ah if only.”

“Good try kiddo,” offered Mark, then he noticed that Britta had appeared over to the side. “Seb, I think you're wanted.”

 

Sebastian looked over and gave Britta a little wave to tell her it was okay to come over.

“Um, hi guys.” They all said hello and Britta nodded back. “Sorry Seb, but they're waiting to do the team photo.”

“Right, course.”

Sebastian stood and Britta looked to Mark.

“You're welcome to come if you like,” she offered.

Mark looked to Sebastian who nodded, so he got up to go with them. Seb saw his brother looking to him.

“Can I come?” asked Fabian hopefully.

Seb turned to Britta who shrugged.

“Go on then,” agreed Sebastian. “We'll still have to check when we get there.”

“I can just watch.”

Mark huffed a laugh, knowing that Fabian was actually desperate to be in the picture.

Sebastian looked to his parents, but his father held up a hand.

“We're fine aren't we love?”

“Oh yes you go. We'll watch if they show it on TV,” agreed his mother.

  
  


The four rushed off down the paddock, cutting through the RedBull garage to find the whole team assembled in front. Seb was deluged in hugs and cheers from from his guys and Mark and Fabian stood back while he offered more thanks. Christian appeared and gave Mark a back-slapping hug, seeming almost more excited than anyone, but as Mark looked over he saw that Seb wore a wider smile than he had all day now that he was getting the chance to relax and properly enjoy his win as he should. Britta grabbed a quick word with her boss and Christian looked to Mark and Fabian.

“I hear you're joining us,” he smiled.

“If that's okay?” checked Mark.

“Course it is. We ought to have his support crew in.”

Mark huffed a laugh and Fabian looked pleased at the description.

“Your parents not wanting to join in?” asked Christian.

“Oh I don't think Mum's too keen on having her picture taken,” explained Fabian.

Christian laughed and nodded over to the centre where everyone was being organised in rows in front of the garage, the photographers jostling for position in front. Seb beckoned them over and they sat on the concrete floor where only an hour ago F1 cars had raced past down the pitlane. Mark sat one side of Seb, Fabian on his other while all the rest of the team found places behind them. Someone placed the trophy in front of Seb and another team-member held the pit-board with the message _'Seb No1'_ fixed on, behind him. Christian took his place next to Mark and Dan appeared from within the garage to another cheer and he reached to pat Seb on the shoulder to congratulate his team-mate before cramming into a spot by Fabian.

The team cheered and posed in celebration, then Mark grinned to himself and while Sebastian smiled for the pictures, he leant in and stole a kiss on the cheek to huge cheers from the team. Seb actually blushed which Mark only found even funnier. He knew the papers would love that one, but he didn't care. He wanted to give Seb a kiss and he wanted the world to see it. Seb looked back at him and shook his head, but he was laughing and all Mark cared about in that moment was that Seb looked as happy as he deserved to be.

Someone orchestrating the publicity shouted for the team to say cheers one more time for the cameras, then out of the corner of his eye Mark saw people reaching for champagne bottles hidden by their feet. He flicked his eyebrows at Sebastian then reached past him and grabbed Fabian's arm.

“Quick!”

Fabian looked confused, then he realised what was about to happen and the pair of them sprinted out of the way before the team popped corks and sprayed champagne all over Sebastian who was only making a half-hearted effort to avoid it. Mark stood to the side and watched on as the guys grabbed Seb and picked him up to lift him onto their shoulders, smiling at how thrilled they genuinely seemed to be at their driver's success. He glanced to Fabian at his side where they stood just out of the melee.

“Good day eh kiddo?”

Fabian nodded and Mark read something in his expression. He fitted an arm around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze.

“Never doubt your brother's ability to bounce back,” he advised.

Fabian laughed as he watched his brother being carried aloft.

“Good thing too if they drop him.”

Mark laughed at that, though he wouldn't look too kindly on anyone who did so. He spotted more TV camera crews about, but Britta was hovering ready to run interference and soon Sebastian was back on the ground and rushing over, now bubbling with a far purer happiness. Mark smiled at him, tempted to give Seb another kiss.

“Having fun?” Mark teased.

Sebastian shrugged happily.

“Anyway mate we should let you get on. I'm guessing they need to get down to business now,” Mark noted.

He looked past Seb to Britta who without saying so, seemed to acknowledge that was correct. Mark noted that she had done a good job of avoiding the champagne as well, but then she had plenty of practise.

“Yeah I guess I'd better,” agreed Sebastian.

 

Behind him Britta had turned around to dismiss another TV crew who were begging for a word and Mark knew that they best thing would be for Seb to disappear into the garage to ensure his mood wasn't spoiled by more questions harping on about the past when he ought to be enjoying the present. They ducked inside, then paused to speak again.

“Right well we'll push off won't we kiddo?” offered Mark with a glance to Fabian.

“Oh, um, yeah. Thanks for having me in the picture.”

“Course.”

“We should get on,” pressed Britta stepping in.

“Okay. Oh will you text me ten minutes before you're due to go?” requested Seb. “Then I can come and say bye.”

“Sure,” agreed Fabian.

“See you later then sweetheart,” parted Mark.

“'kay.”

With a last smile Sebastian was swept away to work by Britta. Mark took a deep breath before turning back to Fabian.

“Come on then mate,” encouraged Mark, knowing that hanging around would only encourage the media to try to come their way.

 

He took his young brother-in-law back to the motorhome and killed time with coffee and polite family chat before Fabian messaged his brother who dashed back to say goodbye. They exchanged more hugs and thanks and reminders that they would see each other in just a few weeks time at the German Grand Prix, then Seb's family rushed off to meet their car to the airport and Mark and Sebastian were left alone in the now far quieter motorhome. Seb sighed and Mark gave his arm a rub.

“We'll see them soon.”

“Course. Yeah I know.”

Sebastian looked a little sad so Mark took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Not long off and we've got a bit of a break before the next race,” reminded Mark.

“I've got testing in-between.”

“Only one day. Wednesday right?”

“Yep.”

“Well there you go, only up the road.”

“You don't need to come.”

Mark shrugged.

“I don't mind. Depends what we do about the work on the house. Anyway let's not think about it now. Have you still got more debriefing to do?”

“Yeah. Another hour or so.”

“No problem.”

“Shame they couldn't stay. Fabe would have enjoyed watching testing,” commented Seb thinking it would have been fun for his brother to hang out with Mark with the track quieter, perhaps even go around to watch the cars from the side of the circuit to experience it properly. Not to be though.

“Yeah. Never mind.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark shifted his chair closer and leaned in to whisper in Seb's ear.

“On the other hand if we had visitors staying we might not be able to celebrate your win in quite the way we might,” he suggested.

Sebastian smiled and looked at him.

“Oh?”

“Mm, just an idea, if you're up for it?”

A wider grin spread over Seb's face and he flicked his eyebrows up.

“I might be. I suppose we ought to celebrate properly,” he concurred.

Mark sat back a little, more than pleased that Seb seemed to be on the same page as him.

“Sounds good to me darling. Well, you've got stuff to do first?”

“Yeah, um you know seeing as we're back here in the week it might not take another hour.”

“Oh really?” smiled Mark.

Sebastian stood up and leaned in to give Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“I'll be as quick as I can. Do you want to get all our stuff together ready to go?”

“Yep. Right then. Soon as you like.”

 

Mark stood to go up to Seb's room so they would be ready to make a quick exit.

“Think I might have to tell them I'm feeling pretty tired,” proposed Seb.

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Tired?”

Sebastian grinned.

“Very tired Liebling. I think I should have a lie down as soon as we get home.”

“We'll go straight to bed.”

Sebastian laughed and leaned in closer to him.

“Is that a promise?”

“Oh it absolutely is darling.”

Seb beamed happily and gave Mark a kiss before dragging himself away to rush through the last things the team needed to go over. Mark watched him go, then went up to his room to gather their things before returning to sit waiting in hospitality replying to the countless messages of congratulations he had received on behalf of Seb. Mark smiled as he read through them, but he wasn't really giving them his full attention seeing in his head Mark was far busier wondering if he could beat Sebastian's top speed from today to get them home. Sooner the better.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah there we go, an actual happy ending to a chapter for once. :)


	148. Home Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have an essay I ought to be writing again, so naturally I'm doing this instead. Hope you enjoy it.

* * *

 

  
  


As soon as Sebastian could reasonably make his excuses he returned to the now almost deserted RedBull hospitality area where Mark jumped up to meet him.

“All done?” he checked with a kiss on Seb's cheek.

“Yep. We can do more follow up at testing.”

“Sure. We good then?”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Excellent. Let's go home,” proposed Mark.

They gathered up their things and made a sharp exit along the empty paddock that had been so crowded only a few hours earlier. Sebastian slipped his hand into Mark's and kept his pace quick to keep up with Mark's longer strides, each sending smiles the other's way as they went.

 

It didn't take them long to reach home with Mark driving, though they didn't talk too much on the way. Instead Mark placed his hand on Sebastian's thigh whenever he could spare it, already wanting to have as much contact with him as possible. When they arrived back they only got through the front door before they turned to one another and pressed in, arms going around their bodies as Seb raised himself up, making them more level to allow them to kiss. Mark was the one who found himself pushed back into the wall as Sebastian put his weight into him, neither of them caring that they were still stood in the hallway as they lost themselves in a passionate kiss.

As Mark finally broke apart to gasp in some air he was about to suggest that they moved this upstairs when they both felt the dogs pressing into the legs, nuzzling into their masters' private moment. Mark huffed a laugh as they looked down.

“Not the only ones after a little attention,” he joked.

Sebastian smiled and loosed his arms from around Mark to give them a quick pet. Mark was tempted to shoo them away when he was the one who wanted all of Seb's attention, but that felt unfair, so he get them a quick stroke as well, then looked at them.

“Go on now boys, we're kindof busy here.”

Sebastian laughed, but the dogs weren't budging. Mark shook his head at them and sighed.

“Guess they want to give their congratulations as well,” he allowed.

“Thanks,” smiled Seb, talking to the dogs not Mark.

He gave them a last rub, then tried to sidestep them so he and Mark could head upstairs as had been the plan, but they only got as far as the foot of the stairs with the animals still following before Shadow and Simba started making plaintive noises and looking up at them needily. Mark frowned but Seb looked a little concerned.

“Maybe they need something?”

“ _I_ need something,” countered Mark.

 

Seb laughed, but he took a step away from the stairs to see what the matter was and Mark could do nothing but sigh and follow. The dogs immediately perked up as they saw that they were being attended to after feeling deserted all day and led them through to the kitchen before their masters got distracted again. As they reached the corner of the kitchen where the dogs' baskets and bowls were Sebastian saw their water bowls were empty. He tsk'd, feeling bad that they had almost allowed their pets to go without what they needed and let go of Mark's hand to go fetch them water so Mark decided to give them some food while they were at it. As soon as their supplies were replenished the dogs pounced on their bowls to eat and drink hungrily. Mark looked to Seb as they both crouched down giving them a little stroke.

“Happy now?” asked Mark.

Neither animal bothered to look up from their feeding, so he looked to Seb instead who shrugged.

“Hard afternoon of lazing around the house clearly,” he presumed.

“Hmm.”

“Maybe we've been neglecting them,” commented Seb. “I wonder what Rachel would say?”

Mark shook his head.

“Well we'd hardly leave a baby behind in the house would we?”

“No, course not.”

Mark gave Simba's head a little rub.

“Greedy buggers. I left you plenty extra this morning and you just scarfed it all up right away didn't you?”

Sebastian laughed and Mark shook his head.

“Right.”

He stood up decisively and went to wash his hands at the sink, Seb copying him. Then the pair turned to one another and with a glance over to the now happy dogs Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted?”

Sebastian smiled and stepped into him.

“Right about here I think Liebling.”

 

Mark had meant that they were heading up to bed, but as Seb lifted up on his toes to kiss him, Mark was distracted once more. Very quickly their arms were back around one another and they were pressing in tight, the dogs forgotten. Seb ended up taking a step back and realised he was right by the kitchen table. He pushed the chair aside and let himself rest into the table edge for a moment, then as their kiss became more heated Mark pulled away for a second and raised an eyebrow to check with Sebastian. Getting a smile in return Mark let go of him for a moment only to retake hold of Seb at his waist to lift him to sit on the table. He paused for just a second to look at him.

“Okay?” Mark checked.

“Very,” confirmed Seb before slinking his arms back around Mark's neck and pulling him in.

Sebastian parted his legs without thinking and Mark pressed in, fitting his arms around Seb's back as they rejoined the kiss, mouths parting, tongues invading and breathing seeming unimportant. Mark's hands wandered over Seb's back, slipping lower to smooth down to his arse and hitching him forwards a fraction. Seb let out a little gasp and Mark was about to double-check he was okay, but before he could do so Mark found his mouth being recaptured and he had the answer he needed. Sebastian's heart was speeding up and the only thing in his mind was to be as close as he possibly could be to Mark. Their crotches were already pressed in together, but it wasn't enough. Seb hardly gave it any thought as his body acted on instinct to lift his legs and wrap them around Mark.

Mark's breath went away as he felt Sebastian clinging to him, trapping his body in the best way imaginable. He gasped for air, then acted on the same instinct as Seb to begin rubbing against him. Seb let out a moan that went straight to Mark's cock. He pushed against Seb and quickly moved his hands to put one behind Sebastian's head and another at his shoulder as Mark rested him back onto the table. He leant over Seb, kissing him again, Sebastian gasping at the sensation not just of that, but at feeling how hard Mark was.

Mark paused a second and lifted his head enough to be able to see him. He looked down and Mark could see how dark pink and swollen Sebastian's lips were. God they looked gorgeous. The blue in his eyes was pushed out by widened pupils and those eyes gazed up at Mark while Seb panted for air. Christ he wanted him, needed him, had to have him: His Seb, his wonderful Seb.

 

Mark's chest was already working harder and he could feel how fast the blood was pumping around his body. It all had one intention and Mark knew that had to be fulfilled. He lifted up and pulled Seb with him.

“Upstairs,” he managed breathily.

Sebastian nodded and allowed himself to be helped off the table, unwrapping his arms and legs from Mark and standing unevenly. The thought crossed Mark's mind that he would have happily kept Seb attached as he was, but he didn't think he could get them up the stairs that way. Instead he grabbed hold of Seb's hand and pulled him across the room. They shot up the stairs and into their bedroom, helping one another to shed their clothes the moment they crossed the threshold.

By the time they reached the bed they were only dressed in jeans. They paused and with hands fumbling from over-excitement Mark and Sebastian did the work for each other to rid themselves of their remaining clothing until they were finally naked. They pressed back in tight, Seb trying to keep level with Mark by putting weight into his arms around his neck. They kissed again, then as they parted for air Sebastian quirked a smile at Mark who barely had time to realise what he was planning before Seb jumped up and bodily wrapped himself around him once more. Mark merely laughed and this time allowed himself to go crashing back into the bed behind him.

 

The action almost shocked both of them as they landed back, but then they both laughed again and rearranged themselves to be more comfortable as they resumed kissing and touching every part of one another's bodies, each wanting as much of the other as they could get. Mark was thrilled at how enthusiastic Seb was. Usually he was tired after a race, but perhaps the adrenaline from the win was still flowing, perhaps it was down to the fact that this time they had no long journey home straight after? Either way he didn't care. Seb was happy and so was Mark, especially now when Seb was all over him like this, taking such care to kiss at his jaw, his shoulder, his chest, Seb's hand slipped between them touching and stroking until Mark's heart was thudding in his chest, sending the blood pounding through his veins. Mark was just about to say something to move them on when Sebastian paused and looked at him through his lashes and Mark could see he had something in mind.

Sebastian pushed himself up as he straddled Mark. He smiled at the hungry way Mark looked up at him and began to move his hips, knowing precisely what that did to Mark as well as himself. Mark let out a groan and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to stop himself getting carried away too soon, but it was bloody difficult with what Seb as currently doing. He looked up at the smile on Seb's face and Mark could only smile back. He reached up a hand to slowly smooth over his chest, his stomach, his waist and then slipped it around Seb's back as he lifted up to meet him, chasing Seb's mouth before kissing down his neck. Sebastian's breathing hitched higher and his eyes fluttered open and shut as Mark felt his pulse jumping with each kiss, their chests moving together until Mark began to lean back, bringing Seb along with him to lie down on the bed.

Sebastian willingly leant in against him, meeting Mark's mouth with his own again and setting his elbows on the bed either side of him to hold himself in position as they kissed. He didn't stop moving though. By now his body was running entirely on instinct and Sebastian kept up the rhythm as he lay on top of Mark, the sensation drivinghim wild. He bucked his hips upwards and Mark knew he couldn't wait any longer, he had to be inside him, _now_ before he lost his mind entirely.

Mark tumbled them sideways, rolling Seb underneath him, hardly breaking their increasingly uncoordinated kiss to do so. Mark used the moment Sebastian left the kiss for more oxygen to push up and quickly reach into the bedside drawer to grab the lube so he could begin to touch him, getting a wonderfully abandoned series of gasps in response.

Sebastian's chest was working harder than it had at any time during the race. As Mark expertly reached deeper inside him Seb closed his eyes tight and threw his head back on the pillow. Mark moved his fingers just so and Seb let out such a sharp noise that Mark paused, but when he looked again Mark saw his eyes were wide open now, staring at him. Mark looked down at Sebastian and breathily checked.

“Okay?”

He received a sharp nod in reply, so Mark slowly pressed in to kiss Seb's lips, softly at first, then more firmly to distract him while he moved his hand. Seb still let out a little sigh, so Mark kissed him again more slowly.

“You alright darling?” Mark asked as he lifted up.

Seb nodded again, then tried to find his voice to reassure him.

“Good Liebling, you're so good.”

He lifted his head up to reach him and at the same time parted his legs further to make sure that Mark got the message. Their bodies fitted together easily, hardly a thought needed as Mark naturally slotted himself between Sebastian's legs and looked into his eyes as he pushed inside him, drawing another noise from his mouth, but this time it was unmistakably appreciative. Seb kept his eyes open to stare into Mark's. The hazel irises had gone wolfish, but Sebastian was sure the warmth remained there somehow. It felt incredible to be so wanted, so desired. He felt possessed by him in the best way possible because he was Mark's, every bit of him, and Seb would happily give every part of himself over every time.

Mark had paused again, so Seb knew he needed to show him he was ready. He hitched his knees up further then moved to wrap himself completely around him once more.

This time Mark was the one to let out a short groan as Seb shifted slightly beneath him, but as he saw the smile on Sebastian's face, Mark smiled back, then stole another kiss before beginning to move. He tried to stay slow at first, but he couldn't manage it, not today. Everything felt too intense and soon they were moving together ever more urgently, each desperate to get what they needed. With everything going so fast it didn't take long until each of them reached their climax and they collapsed in a tangled heap, fighting for air.

 

Mark lifted up a fraction, then seeing Seb's eyes had slipped closed he lowered his head to gently kiss at his jaw, his neck and down to his shoulder-blade. Sebastian felt it though each kiss so soft it barely tickled his skin and as Mark aimed upwards again it was to see Seb smiling back at him. He smiled as well, beforegiving Seb an equally soft kiss on the lips, Then he reached up one hand to put it at the side of Seb's face whilst they looked at one another. Mark leant his forehead into Sebastian's and closed his eyes, feeling never closer than in that perfect moment when they were still so together they felt as if they truly blended into one.

 

Sebastian tried to take in a deep breath and Mark knew he was squashing him, so they rearranged themselves to lie together more easily. Mark pulled the pillows behind him and Sebastian lay into him with them slightly propped up on the bed, Mark's arm around Seb as he rested his head by Mark's shoulder.

They didn't say much at first, merely enjoying the blissed-out feeling while staying close. Seb had one arm around Mark's front and Mark placed his spare hand on it, lazily tracing circular shapes with his fingers, skimming over Seb's skin. Sebastian eventually let out a long sigh and Mark smiled.

“Okay sweetheart?”

Sebastian smiled and nodded, keeping his head angled looking up at him. Mark gave him a little squeeze in and Seb squeezed him back. Mark almost wanted to laugh at the way Seb communicated almost entirely physically after sex. He thought it was sweet how Sebastian clung to him, too far gone to rush back to normality, though naturally Mark wanted to hold onto Seb just as much. Mark lifted his hand to stroke over Seb's cheek, then smiled and kissed Sebastian's nose, knowing how that always made him smile. Seb's eyes were lit up bright blue again, his cheeks pinked and his body soft as it molded into him. Outside it was still full daylight. They hadn't bothered to close the curtains seeing as there was nothing beyond the window except their large back garden and the tree-line beyond. Mark gazed at him, appreciating the chance to see Seb like this in the natural light.

Seb nuzzled into Mark's chest and kissed it. This time Mark couldn't help letting out a little huffed laugh and Seb lifted up to look at him.

“It's nice darling, that's all,” Mark excused.

He didn't want to have hurt Seb's feelings so Mark put a finger under his chin to lift it up so he could kiss him.

“We don't have to do anything tomorrow do we?” Seb checked as he lifted away.

Mark shook his head.

“Nothing we don't want to.”

“Good.”

 

Sebastian pressed back into Mark and they squeezed in tight. Mark lowered his head to whisper in Seb's ear.

“We can stay in bed all day if you like?”

A wide smile spread across Sebastian's face and he looked up at Mark to flick his eyebrows up at him.

“That does sound promising,” he agreed.

“Mmm.”

Seb was smiling up at him, looking extra sunny as he seemed to glow in the evening light and Mark was transfixed by the view.

“You're gorgeous,” praised Mark.

Sebastian looked as though he was about to protest so Mark gave him a firm look and Sebastian gave up.

“Thank you Liebling. You're pretty nice yourself.”

“Nice?” smiled Mark.

Seb shrugged.

“I don't think my brain is working properly yet,” he excused.

“I'm quite happy to be called nice darling,” Mark assured.

Seb sighed against him.

“I don't know that my brain's really been working properly since the end of the race,” Sebastian confessed. “God knows what I've been saying.”

Mark shook his head.

“All the right things, don't worry.”

“I just feel a bit... I don't know. It's a lot,” Seb admitted.

“Course it is sweetheart, it's fine.”

“I did say thank you properly didn't I?”

“You said lots of thank yous darling.”

“To you though?”

“Yeah, but you don't need to.”

Sebastian seemed to wake up a little at that.

“Of course I do Mark. There's no way I'd have done it without you. I couldn't do anything without you.”

“You're the one in the car,” argued Mark.

“I don't just mean that. I mean everything.”

“Oh.” Mark let out a little sigh. “Well I couldn't do anything without you either.”

“Good job we've got each other then.”

“Yeah it is.”

 

Mark gazed at Seb, recalling a time when he had been so close to losing him. All the fuss the media had made in the aftermath of Seb's race win today had inevitably brought thoughts of that back, no matter how much Mark tried not to think about it. The idea of life without Seb still haunted him. Mark didn't want to bring things down by mentioning that though, so instead he simply wrapped his arms right around Sebastian and lowered his head to rest against Seb's. He _hadn't_ lost him, he was right here. Mark hardly knew how he ever let go of him.

He closed his eyes for a moment and left his head resting against Sebastian's as Mark held him tight. Seb felt not just the embrace, but the _way_ Mark held him. He expected him to lift away, but Mark just hung on to him, not moving and Seb didn't want to break into whatever it was Mark was needing in that moment. He wasn't about to object to being so buried in Mark anyway, so Sebastian simply lay against him and slowly smoothed his hand over Mark's side where his arm wrapped around him.

  
  


It was a while before Mark eventually lifted up and as he did so Sebastian tipped his head up to look at him.

“You okay Liebling?”

Mark nodded, but he felt a little choked. He tried to smile at Seb, but it didn't quite work so Mark swallowed, then let out what was in his head.

“You won't ever leave me will you?”

Seb frowned, wondering how Mark could even ask such a question when it seemed unimaginable to him.

“No Liebling of course not.”

Mark just nodded back, so Sebastian shuffled up so he was level with Mark. He looked at him sincerely.

“How could I ever leave you? I had no life before you. Nothing truly good. I couldn't live without you Mark. I wouldn't want to. You're my whole world, my happiness, my life. You're everything. Don't you know that?”

Mark took in a breath and nodded. He did know that, but today he needed a little reassurance, not that Seb could ever walk away, but that he could be taken from him.

“Yeah.” Mark gave Seb a weak smile. He knew he ought not to mention it, but he couldn't help saying; “You said that in the hospital.”

“Said what?”

“That I was everything. When you'd just woken up and the doctors were asking you things to see how you were. They asked what I was to you and you said 'everything',” he explained.

“Oh.”

 

Seb had no memory of that, but he knew if Mark said it, then it was true. Though he knew little enough of that time, Seb understood how horrendous it must have been for Mark to go through and even to remember it. He tried a small smile on him to attempt to cheer Mark up.

“I guess the concussion wasn't that bad then, if I remembered that.”

“You only remembered the basic things.”

Seb gave him a soft smile and reached up to put his hand at Mark's cheek as he looked into his eyes.

“Precisely. I remembered what was most important. _You_. You're what's most important to me. The most important thing in the whole world, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So to even imagine I could ever leave you,” Sebastian shook his head. “Liebling it's crazy. I could never ever do that. I never will.”

“Till we're old and grey?”

Sebastian removed his hand and leaned in to give Mark a kiss.

“Till we're old and grey,” he confirmed.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“If I have to watch a few more race weekends like this one I might be grey a bit sooner.”

“Sorry.”

“Nah it's okay. Same for you isn't it darling?”

“Yeah it is. Just how it goes.”

Mark sighed and stroked down Sebastian's arm.

“Will you still love me when I'm old and grey?”

“Course I will, cause you'll still love me won't you Liebling?”

“I will sweetheart I promise.”

“Cause we're family.”

“Yep. Hopefully an expanding one.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah hopefully.”

“Well this week we're getting more things fixed aren't we?” noted Mark trying to pick things up.

“Yeah.”

“So there we go then.”

“Looking forwards not back,” stated Sebastian.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Quite right sweetheart, forwards not back. Thank you.”

“Thank you?”

“For reminding me.”

Mark gave Seb a kiss, then fitted his arms around him once more, Seb dropping his head onto Mark's shoulder. Neither of them were going anywhere.

  
  


 

  
  


The next day Mark needed no persuading to go with Sebastian's suggestion that they stay in bed, amusing themselves as they chose until eventually dragging themselves up to shower and go down to feed themselves and the dogs. The tiredness due post-race was catching up with Seb though, so Mark was the one to make brunch or lunch or whatever they chose to call the much needed meal they ate. It was still sunny outside and the tall trees surrounding their property sheltered the garden from the wind in exactly the opposite way to how Silverstone was exposed to the elements, so it was very pleasant out there. They took their coffees to sit out in the garden chairs and threw the chewed tennis ball for the dogs who happily chased and ran about getting their exercise.

“We can take them for a walk later,” offered Seb.

“No rush. They're fine, aren't you?”

Mark gave Simba a rub as he returned the ball once more and the animal happily nuzzled into his shorts-clad thigh.

“Go on with you,” smiled Mark, lobbing the ball into the distance.

The dogs scampered off once more and Mark took a sip of his coffee.

“This is nice.”

“A proper day off,” agreed Seb.

“Rare enough.”

“True. We've got tomorrow as well though.”

“Course we have.”

“I'm sorry about Wednesday.”

“Nonsense. It's fine. We've got the rest of the week and the weekend and into next week. Really, we're quite spoiled,” insisted Mark.

“Yeah that is nice.”

“Lazy lazy racing drivers, living the high life,” teased Mark.

Sebastian laughed.

“This is the high life?”

“It is for me.”

“Not the glamour hot spots of Monaco or New York, surrounded by the beautiful people?” Seb teased back.

“I am surrounded by beautiful people, beautiful person anyway.”

Sebastian beamed, unable to rebuff the compliment. He leaned over from his chair next to Mark's and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Me too.”

Mark scrunched his nose at him, then smiled.

“I wouldn't want anything else darling. Not to be anywhere else anyway. This is what makes me happy.”

“Yeah,” concurred Sebastian. “We can do more stuff tomorrow if you like?”

“Sure. Whatever you like sweetheart.”

“I might have a bit more energy then.”

Mark flicked an eyebrow up.

“I think we used up plenty of energy this morning.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head as Shadow came to present him with the ball this time.

 

“Good boy,” praised Seb as he took the ball and patted his head. “You love Papa don't you?”

Both dogs pressed in for more attention which Sebastian happily gave them while Mark smiled on. Then he threw the ball once more before turning back to Mark.

“What?” asked Seb reading the smile on Mark's face.

“Nothing. You're very good with them that's all. I was just thinking, with all the work we're getting sorted on the house we should get back in touch with Rachel and see what they can come to re-inspect the place.”

“Yeah that would be good. We can show them we're really making an effort.”

“Mm.” Mark huffed a laugh to himself. “You know Mum was saying it's a bit daft really, them making such a fuss about things seeing as they didn't have any of this safety stuff back when I was a kid and yet I mysteriously made it to adulthood in one piece.”

Sebastian shook his head and smiled.

“It's a miracle,” he agreed.

“Yep, all that running around with knives and drinking bleach from unlocked cupboards. Made me the man I am today.

Seb rolled his eyes.

“I bet your mother watched you like a hawk Liebling.”

“Yeah probably. She had her work cut out with me and my sister rampaging all round the place.”

“Imagine my poor mum, she had four of us,” noted Seb.

“Yeah, blimey I think one would be enough to keep us busy.”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway, we'll get it sorted, everything they ask for. Then they can come and tick their boxes and we can get once more thing filed away in our favour.”

 

“Sure. I know some of that stuff might seem a bit over the top, especially with a baby, but I will actually feel better knowing the house is safe Liebling,” Sebastian admitted.

“Course. Me too. It's fine. I was only joking about me. I grew up in another age, people didn't worry so much then.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“And we seemed to spend half our lives outside the house anyway.”

“Mm, well hopefully our child will too,” noted Seb. “This is a nice big garden for them.”

“Yeah, especially in this weather,” agreed Mark.

“I can't wait to get them a swing and a climbing frame and stuff.”

Mark smiled softly at Seb being so enthusiastic.

“For a baby?”

“Well you can get baby swings.”

“Sure. Yeah they'll like that. Probably rock them off to sleep too.”

“You can be in charge of that then,” proposed Sebastian.

 

Mark just chuckled at Seb, knowing for all that he was the one due to take a year off, there was no way Sebastian was going to leave it all up to him. When they were home Mark suspected he would have to prise the baby from Seb's hands. He was so keen. Mark thought it was adorable. In a way it would be nice if they could both take a year out to do nothing but concentrate on being parents, but that simply wasn't realistic and with Seb finally having the success he was due in racing again Mark was reminded how important it was that he make the most of it.

“We should call my folks later,” Mark noted.

“Oh yeah and my sisters. I feel bad I haven't returned their calls.”

“Nah it's fine, they understand.”

“I might just send Stef a text and ask when might be a good time.”

“When Sofie's napping I'd guess.”

“Yeah exactly.”

Sebastian retrieved his phone from his pocket and sent a text to his eldest sister. He had so many messages he needed to reply to. While he was at it Seb sent quick thank yous to a few including Jess and Jenson who both said they wished they had been there at Silverstone.

“There's a text from Lewis,” reported Seb.

“Really? What'd he say?”

Seb looked at the message.

“Just well done and he's sorry he didn't get chance to see me after the race to say it in person.”

Mark nodded.

“He probably couldn't wait to get out of there.”

“Yeah I guess. Must have been a pretty horrible day for him,” sympathised Seb.

“He'll get over it.”

“Mm, anyway, nice of him to send a message.”

“Yeah. Maybe you can hang out with him a bit in Hungary?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian nodded, but he didn't look quite so happy. Mark reached over and put his hand over Seb's where it leant on the armrest.

 

“I know it's rubbish that we've got races on the same weekend.”

“Hmm. I just don't see why they can't arrange the calendar better,” Seb complained.

“No, well, on the upside it gives us this coming weekend at home together for once, so there's that.”

“Yeah. Yeah that's good.”

“And not long till the break.”

Sebastian cheered up and smiled at Mark.

“I can't wait till our holiday.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Me too darling. Having a nice stretch out in the sun.”

“Like this.”

“Hmm, well I'd hope it's a smidge warmer than this, but yes.”

Sebastian nodded, then quickly sent Lewis a reply thanking him before fitting his phone away. He could respond to the other messages later. Seb knew it would take a while to get a reply from his sister. It was hard to imagine how it was to be so occupied with a baby that even replying to a text message took an effort, but he knew that hopefully soon enough that would be their lot too. She would eventually reply, then he could call her back, call Mel when she got in from work, probably call Fabe and his parents too seeing as they'd made such a difference yesterday. They could call Mark's family in the evening when it was morning in Australia. Seb knew they would be so happy for him. It was lovely to have so many people caring and being pleased for him. Sebastian leant back in his chair and rest back his head while Mark took his turn throwing the ball for the dogs. This was perfect. Almost perfect. There was only one thing more they wanted to add to this scene.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


By mid-week it finally felt as though things were back to normal. Having done just as they pleased on the Monday they were re-energised and up early on Tuesday ready to go out for their run first thing and back after stopping for coffee while Pauline was still busy with her own routine of cleaning the house. Mark smiled as he watched Sebastian almost embarrassed by another middle-aged lady showering him in praise today after Jean at the coffee shop had not only insisted on free coffee, but saved the newspapers from the day before to show them Seb on all the front pages. Now Pauline was busy telling him in thrilled terms how she and her husband had sat watching the race at home.

“It was nice that your family could come,” noted Pauline.

“Yeah, I mean they sort of insisted after what happened on Saturday.”

Pauline nodded.

“Mm, I'm not surprised. That gave us all quite a scare.”

Mark put an arm around Sebastian as they stood in the kitchen.

“Not much Seb doesn't bounce back from,” he commented.

“Of course.”

“It was nice they could be there,” accepted Sebastian, not wanting to sound ungrateful.

“I'm sure. Shame they couldn't stay longer. It would have been nice to see your mother again.”

“Yeah I did ask, but Fabe has school.”

“Oh of course.”

“You'll see them in the summer when they come though.”

“Do you have the dates fixed up yet?”

“Um, not quite. We're still finalising things.”

“Well let me know and I'll make sure everything's ready with the spare rooms. It'll be nice to see them.”

“You will come to the barbecue won't you?” asked Seb.

“Me?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh at her surprise.

“Yes of course, and Henry. We'd really like it if you could come.”

“Well...”

“It's for all our family and friends,” pointed out Mark. “We'd hope you know you're included in that.”

 

Pauline smiled at the two of them, more touched than she could say.

“Of course we'll come. That's very kind of you.”

“Oh and you are under no circumstances to do any work at it,” instructed Mark.

Pauline laughed.

“I'm not sure I'll be able to stop my instinct to tidy up,” she admitted.

“You'll be there to enjoy yourself, not work. Strict orders.”

“Well that's me told.”

Sebastian smiled up at Mark, knowing how pleased she was.

“Mum will be glad you're there so she has someone to talk to, oh and Mark's family are coming too, so you can meet Diane, Mark's mum, as well.”

“I look forward to it. Well, there we go. That's nice then. How are you spending your week?”

“Oh I've got testing tomorrow,” related Seb.

“Testing?”

“For work. There's an in-season test at Silverstone, so I'm up tomorrow.”

“I see.”

“And we've got people coming to do a few jobs around the house.”

“Oh?”

“So we're all ready for when we have our next inspection.”

“Oh I see.”

“Just a few gates and locks and stuff,” explained Mark. “Biggest job is putting a safety cover on the pool, but they reckon they can do that in two days, so we should be sorted by the weekend.”

“Ah okay. Well let me know when you've got a date for the inspection. Though heaven knows what they could find wrong with this place.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“You'd be surprised. They're ultra-picky, but then I guess that's their job. Anyway it'll be fine. By the time they come around this place will be so secure we probably won't be able to get into it.”

Pauline laughed and shook her head.

“Very good. Well I'd better get on hadn't I? No more plans for today?”

“We'd better grab a shower hadn't we sweetheart?”

“Of course. You get on, I've just got the hoovering and I'll be done.”

  
  


Mark and Sebastian headed up to the bathroom to strip off their running gear. As they did so they heard the sound of the hoover droning downstairs. Mark paused and looked to Seb as he pulled his t-shirt off.

“Maybe we could ask Pauline to come and watch the guys doing the work tomorrow, then I could come with you?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“We already ask so much of her Liebling. It isn't fair.”

“I'd pay her.”

Seb stepped in close to him.

“Mark there's nothing to see at the track. We're mostly tyre testing, nothing exciting. You'll only get bored.”

Mark let out a long sigh and Sebastian shook his head.

“There's nothing to worry about. I'm not going to pushing anything too hard, no racing on track. We won't have any dramas.”

Mark paused, then nodded acquiescence.

“Yeah okay.”

“I'll call you whenever I get chance so you know you don't need to worry,” promised Seb.

 

Mark pushed out a breath and nodded again, then put his arms around him. The feeling of pressing their bodies skin-to-skin was so nice that his mind was immediately distracted from other concerns. He took in a deep breath of Seb as he leaned into him and Mark ran a hand down his arm. Seb looked up at him.

“Do you think she'll have any idea we meant both being in the shower together?” he wondered.

Mark laughed and loosened his hold on Sebastian to smile at him. He didn't think Pauline lacked imagination and she saw enough of them at home to know how they were, but much like their parents, Mark suspected she was wise enough to carefully not consider the details of their relationship too much.

“I think that falls under the category of something she'd rather not think about sweetheart,” he smiled.

“Hmm.”

Seb's eyes were drawn to the locked door. They knew their housekeeper would never barge in, but nonetheless it felt better to lock it anyway. Mark stroked his hand along Seb's arm again.

“You know you smell delicious after a run.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“You do,” insisted Mark.

Seb gave him a half smile.

“Pheromones.”

“Mmm.”

 

Their eyes were locked together now and Seb knew that look in Mark's only too well.

“Behave Liebling.”

Mark laughed, but he flicked his eyebrows up.

“I'm just saying that hoover's pretty loud.”

“Er, _no_.”

Mark chuckled, enjoying teasing him.

“It's not my fault you're so irresistible,” he shrugged.

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“We're not doing anything with Pauline in the house,” he protested.

“So what you're saying is; when she's gone...” grinned Mark.

Seb stepped back in and put his arms around Mark's neck, pushing up to give him a kiss.

“When we have the house to ourselves I'm all yours,” he vowed.

Mark breathed more heavily, feeling Seb's chest press into his, thinking that Pauline had damn well better hoover fast and be gone by the time they got out of this shower.

  
  


  
  


  
  


 

  
  


The following day Sebastian did as he had promised and rang Mark while the team took a lunch break from their day of testing. He sat in his room, wishing of course that Mark really was there with him despite Seb assuring him, even this morning, that he was fine on his own.

“So it's all going okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah fine Liebling, nothing exciting to report. Just the usual going round then coming in to feedback and study the data. You're missing nothing.”

“Yeah okay, well that's good I guess.”

“I don't think I'll need to stay late or anything.”

“Righto, well I'll have dinner waiting.”

Seb smiled, thinking that was a pretty good incentive to hurry home, as if he wasn't going to want to do that anyway.

“How's everything going with the workmen?” Sebastian enquired.

“Fine. They're working away. I'm back on tea and biscuits duty.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh at the image of Mark running around with a tray.

“Good job you're there then.”

“Should mostly be done by the time you get home. Just the guys working on the pool cover due back tomorrow.”

“Sure, well that's good.”

“Oh and we've had an email from Rachel.”

Sebastian stopped.

“What? Why didn't you mention that before?”

“I wanted to be sure you were okay,” justified Mark.

“I'm fine. I told you. What does Rachel want?”

“She didn't say. She just asked if we might be free to go in and see her.”

“When?”

“Either Friday or next week.”

 

Sebastian let out a heavy sigh and Mark wondered at his wisdom in telling him. He had been considering holding off until Seb came home later, but it felt unfair to keep it from him and besides the sooner he got back to her the better.

“Sweetheart I'm sure it's nothing. We can just arrange the next house visit.”

“Hmm I guess. She didn't say any more?”

“Nope, just asked when we might be free.”

“Okay... Well Friday I guess.”

“You don't want to wait until after the weekend?”

“No I'd rather get it done.”

“Alright well I'll email her back then.”

“Yeah okay.”

“It didn't sound like anything to worry about,” assured Mark.

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“You just said she didn't say what it was about.”

“Well... I don't know. There's no point speculating is there?”

“I guess.”

“I did do the right thing telling you didn't I?” Mark asked. “I don't want you fretting when you're in the car.”

Sebastian sighed and shook his head.

“No of course you should say.”

“And you won't be worrying?”

“I'll try not to.”

“Don't sweetheart. You know it's important to focus on driving.”

 

Sebastian rolled his eyes, tempted to tell Mark that he knew that well enough and didn't require telling, but he knew that was about him feeling anxious and it wasn't fair to take it out on Mark who he knew worried enough every time he stepped into a car as it was.

“I'll be too busy feeding back to the engineers to think about anything other than how the tyres are performing,” Seb asserted.

“Good. Alright well I guess I'll see you later.”

“Yeah. Thanks for doing this today.”

“Doing what?”

“Supervising the work on the house. At least we can tell Rachel we've done all that when we see her.”

“Exactly. There we go then, when you get home you can see all they've done.”

“Yeah okay. Well I'd better get back. Sooner we get done the sooner I'll be home.”

“Good. See you later then, love you.”

“Love you too Liebling and you're probably right, it's probably nothing, just a next step with the agency.”

“Sure. Okay then, hope all goes well this afternoon.”

“Thanks. Bye then.”

“Bye darling.”

Sebastian hung up and bit his lip. He wasn't entirely convinced by his own words. Maybe it wasn't nothing? Surely they could arrange the house visit by email? No good came of letting Mark worry even more about him though and what he said was true: Seb did need to focus on the job at hand. He just had to put it out of his mind and think only about the car, the tyres and everything the engineers asked, then home to Mark and a nice dinner. He wasn't going to think about anything else. Probably.

  
  


  
  


 

 

 

When Sebastian got home the workmen had all left. He'd tried to get finished as quickly as he could, but it was still gone half five when he got back. Mark had come out to the hall to meet him when he heard the car on the driver, greeting him with a hug and a kiss.

“Sorry Liebling, I hoped to get back earlier.”

“Doesn't matter.”

“Would have been nice to say thank you to the guys doing the work.”

Mark smiled at how considerate Sebastian was.

“I said thank you, plus you know we're paying them and all.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, thinking that wasn't the point.

“Anyway sweetheart, do you want a tour?”

“A tour?”

“Of what they've done.”

“Oh, yeah okay.”

“Right. Come on boys, let's show Seb.”

 

Mark took Sebastian's hand and led him back outside, the dogs on their heels. They walked back down the drive to the five bar gate at the entrance. Mark moved it and showed Seb the new hinge that had been fitted, then swung it smoothly shut to sit closed on a large top latch.

“Very nice,” approved Seb.

“Yep. I mean you could still climb over it, but it might be useful to stop the dogs running out if we've been shopping or something.”

“Or a child.”

“Exactly. Anyway that's that, then we're got the new gates either side of the house leading to the back garden.”

Sebastian smiled, enjoying the way Mark was doing a proper tour as if rehearsing for when they took the adoption people around. He walked them to the right side of the house where there was now a tall solid wooden fence running from the edge of the property to meet a gate that stood around six foot high made of equally solid wood next to the house. Mark opened it on the latch, then they went through and he showed Seb the sliding locks at the top and bottom.

“So nobody's getting through that.”

“No indeed,” agreed Seb.

“And it's the same on the other side. I mean we can leave it open for now.”

“We might as well keep it on the latch to keep the dogs in the back garden,” suggested Seb.

“Sure, anyway, back inside.”

 

Sebastian went with him to see the new fire guard fitted around the hearth in the lounge. It was made of bronze coloured metal and folded back on itself to allow access, then back in again to sit closed on a hook to prevent either anyone getting too close to the fire, or sparks jumping through the fine grid out onto the carpet.

“It's very decorative actually,” observed Sebastian.

“Yeah it's alright isn't it? The guy said they do fancier ones, but this is nice.”

Seb smiled at him thinking that once apon a time Mark would surely have never cared about the design of a fire guard and certainly ever admitted to it, but he was a different person now.

“Sure, very nice Liebling.”

“Not that we're likely to need a fire for a good few months anyway, but still.”

“I sincerely hope not,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Anyway, last bit.”

 

He took them through the hall to where the door to the new extension linked to the main part of the house. Here there was an actual Yale lock fitted. Mark pulled out a key from his pocket and opened the door, showing it to Seb before clicking down the button to hold the lock open.

“Don't suppose we need to bother with it for now,” noted Mark.

“No, though we'll need to remember to make sure it's on for when they come around.”

“Yeah good point. Anyway we've got a key each and a spare one for Pauline and one to stash away somewhere just in case.”

Sebastian smiled.

“In case we lose the other three?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Mark saw the way Seb was smiling and shrugged.

“We can leave it for the maintenance guys in case we're away and Pauline isn't around.”

“Sure, of course that would be handy,” agreed Seb more seriously.

Normally the maintenance and pool cleaning guys who came once a month were arranged to visit when Pauline was in cleaning so there was always someone around, but you never knew.

  
  


Mark took them past the changing room and gym to the door leading to the pool. Here there was a half-completed cover being installed at the shallow end, a large rolling mechanism with a wheel at one end with a heavy plastic sheeting cover rolled neatly onto it.

“So you press this button,” pointed out Mark, “and it rolls in to put it away, or the other way and you have to guide it a little so it sits right. Then there's these clips.”

Mark showed Seb some little plastic carabiners attached to the corners of the pool cover. They looked like something a rock climber might use and appeared fairly sturdy despite their small size.

“They hook into the drainage holes around the pool just over the side which is pretty neat,” explained Mark. “There's a few of them along the edges if you do it properly and the guys said if you do it right then the cover is so secure you could actually walk on it.”

“Really?”

“Yep. I mean I don't suggest we try it, but if a kid somehow got in here and fell on it then they definitely wouldn't go into the water.”

Sebastian nodded thinking that ought to satisfy that uptight social worker.

“We'd better not tell my brother that or he's bound to want to try it,” noted Seb.

Mark laughed.

“Maybe we should get him to test it when they're here? We can always fish him out of the drink if he goes in.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“It all looks good anyway.”

“Yeah. I've not tried fitting it yet cos they aren't done, but they said they'd do some demos with us tomorrow afternoon so we know what to do.”

“Sure.”

“Apparently even if the little motor breaks and this button doesn't work then you can just turn this wheel yourself, though it's probably a two man job to get it to roll up properly.”

“Good job there's two of us then,” noted Seb.

“Yes it is,” Mark agreed. “Anyway, that's everything.”

 

He stood up and Sebastian stood with him.

“Thank you Liebling, that all looks great.”

“I didn't really do anything.”

“Yeah you did, you supervised.”

“And made tea.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Seb as they began to walk back into the main house where the dogs who knew they were strictly banned from wandering into the extension waited. “I'm sure you looked after them.”

“I gave them some of Pauline's biscuits and everything,” smiled Mark.

“No wonder they worked so fast.”

Mark grinned.

“Should've worn a pinny.”

Sebastian laughed at the image.

“Just a pinny?”

Mark arched an eyebrow.

“That sort of thing is only for you darling.”

Seb grinned.

“Promises, promises. Now does my domestic goddess have dinner waiting too?”

“In the oven.”

“Wow. Well aren't you perfect?”

 

Mark smiled, feeling just a little self-satisfied. Maybe all he had done was hang around the house all day distracting himself from worrying about Seb by fussing around the workmen, but it did feel nice to be appreciated. They walked into the kitchen and he checked on the food cooking in the oven on low.

“About a half hour I reckon.”

“Okay well I might go change.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian went up while Mark looked after the dogs as he waited for Seb to reappear. When he did they sat down with just a drink of water while their meal finished cooking.

“Oh, um Liebling, they want me in the factory on Monday,” Seb reported.

“Oh?”

“Just to have a run on the sim to get ready for Hungary.”

“Ah, okay.”

“Sorry.”

“No it's alright, that makes sense. You want to be prepared.”

“I know it's one of our days off.”

“No sweetheart it's fine. Don't worry about it.”

“I won't be all day.”

“Seb it's fine. We've plenty of time together at the moment. I'll feel better knowing you're really ready for your race.”

“Okay.” Sebastian let out a sigh. “I still wish we didn't have to go off on our own.”

“I know. Me too.”

 

Sebastian puffed a breath, then decided no good came of letting himself get down about it. Mark was in the same boat. They'd just have to stick it out.

“Only one weekend I guess,” he offered.

“Sure.”

Sebastian took a sip of his water.

“Did Rachel say any more when you emailed her back?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Nope, just that she'd see us on Friday.”

“Did you ask what it was about?”

“Well I tried. I asked if it was about anything in particular and if we needed to bring anything, but she just said we didn't need anything,” recounted Mark.

“Not what the meeting is for?”

“No. I couldn't really email again.”

“I suppose.”

 

Seb looked a little uncomfortable so Mark reached over and took his hand.

“Surely she'd have said if it was important?”

“I guess.”

“No point fretting.”

“I know.”

Sebastian took another drink and looked up to Mark.

“You're right,” he agreed, trying to sound positive. “Probably just next steps. I'm sure she'll be impressed when she hears all we've had done.”

“Yeah. Be good to get the next house visit ticked off wouldn't it?”

“Yep. Okay well we'll see on Friday I guess,” Seb accepted. “In the meantime we can show Pauline all the work and play with the new pool cover tomorrow.”

“Play with it?”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“Test it then, when they've finished.”

Mark smiled back thinking how little technical details pleased Seb.

“Absolutely sweetheart. Right, well that smells like dinner's ready. I'll just whip these clothes off and find my pinny shall I?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Look away boys,” he instructed the dogs.

Mark grinned as he got up and gave him a quick kiss.

“I dunno sweetheart, that meat cooking in there might spit. Imagine the health and safety rules,” he teased.

“Do you think that social worker would disapprove?”

“I think she would be shocked to her very core darling.”

Sebastian grinned back.

“Good.”

 

Mark got up and carefully removed the tray from the oven with a folded tea-towel, setting it on top of the stove to rest for a moment.

“Lamb,” he informed Seb.

“Smells amazing Liebling.”

“Thank you.”

Sebastian got up to start fetching plates and cutlery to lay the table.

“Do you even own a pinny?” he enquired.

Mark smiled.

“I think technically for a guy it ought to be an apron.”

“I'm not fussy.”

“Oh?”

“I was just wondering,” smiled Seb.

Mark turned around from where he was placing refilled glasses of water on the table to face him.

“Were you indeed?”

A wide grin spread over Sebastian's face and he shrugged, trying to look innocent.

“Yeah.”

Mark raised his eyebrows, then gave a little tip of his head.

“I might have one tucked away in a drawer somewhere.”

“Oh really?” replied Sebastian casually.

“Perhaps I should look for it after dinner?”

“If you like.”

 

Mark chuckled with laughter and fitted his arms over Seb's shoulders to give him a kiss.

“Anything you like darling. In the meantime, we've got this nice dinner going cold.”

“I'm starving.”

“Good. Come on then.”

Mark lowered his arms, but Sebastian stole another quick kiss.

“My perfect domestic goddess,” he praised.

Mark just flicked his eyebrows up, but Seb grinned.

“I can't wait to see your perfectly formed arse in a pinny.”

Mark burst out laughing.

“Only for you darling.”

“I should hope so.”

Mark gave him a wink then stepped away to get the last bits of their meal assembled seeing as he had actually worked quite hard to make a nice dinner for them and Seb probably was starving after a busy day driving. Not too tired though hopefully. Mark was pretty sure there _was_ an apron stashed away at the back of a drawer somewhere in here. Perhaps it was time to put it to good use?

  
  


  
  


* * *

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess there's plenty of fluff in this chapter, but I don't really care. I need distracting sometimes.
> 
> Oh & ;) to Heather for the apron comment. I outright stole it #SorryNotSorry (Hope you don't mind chick!)


	149. Check Rear-View Mirrors Before Proceeding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting. I don't know if anyone will be around to read it posting this now seeing as it's a mega busy motorsport weekend, but here we are anyway.

* * *

 

 

Late on Friday morning Mark and Sebastian arrived back at the anonymous council buildings in time for their meeting. As usual they were early, so they sat waiting in the little area outside their case worker's office, not really talking as they did their best to avoid speculating as to what the meeting was about. After a few minutes Rachel appeared and they leapt up off the seating to greet her, but both of them instantly clocked the expression on her face. Normally she was all smiles, but today Rachel began with a rapid apology.

“Hi, um, thank you so much for coming in at short notice. I didn't have chance to let you know this morning, perhaps I should have called, but we um, have company for our meeting.”

Rachel spoke very quietly, as if she didn't want to be overheard and as they looked past her through the open door Mark and Seb saw their social worker sat at Rachel's desk, making herself at home as she flicked through a full file of notes. She looked up to them and it seemed there was nothing to be said seeing as she was already there, so Rachel led them through to take the two seats on the other side of the desk while she returned to her seat next to her colleague. The woman looked up at the couple and gave them something approximating a polite smile, but it didn't reach her eyes and both Seb and Mark instantly had a sinking feeling.

Mark made sure that as they sat down he surreptitiously shifted his chair closer to Sebastian's. They caught each other's eye and Mark could see the worry in Seb's. He resisted the urge to take Sebastian's hand and instead offered their case worker a smile.

 

“Um, did you see in my email I mentioned we'd had the work done you asked for on the house?” began Mark, trying to start with a positive.

“Oh, um yes of course. Very good,” answered Rachel vaguely.

“We did everything you asked,” picked up Sebastian. “The pool and the lock on the door so it's all secure and the gates, the guard for the fireplace. In the kitchen we've moved everything around and put the safety catches on the doors. I don't know if we mentioned that before, I think maybe we did, but anyway it's all done now, everything you asked for.”

Mark could hear the nerves in Seb's voice, clear to him from the way he was running on. He suspected Rachel could as well because she nodded and gave them an apologetic small smile.

“Yes, you did. That's good.”

Her voice sounded heavy and Mark wanted to sigh. Something was off. The social worker looked over at them.

“I'm afraid that's not what we are here to discuss today,” she stated bluntly.

Mark caught the way Rachel shot her a look and got the strong impression the social worker was at this meeting by her own invitation. Sebastian was staring at the woman, anxiously waiting to hear what they _were_ here to discuss and at the same time dreading what was about to come out of her mouth.

 

Rachel went to speak but the social worker jumped in first.

“I'm afraid that your psychological evaluations raised a few red flags,” she informed them abruptly.

Sebastian swallowed, feeling his heartrate sky rocket.

“What do you mean?” asked Mark.

Rachel held up a hand to halt things.

“I'm not sure red flag is the phrase,” she modified.

The other woman looked at her.

“I think it is appropriate.”

Rachel took a calming breath. She'd known it was a mistake not handling this meeting on her own, but she hadn't been able to refuse her colleague insisting she be here this morning. Looking over she saw the way Mark's jaw had set and Sebastian looked worried.

“There are areas we have had to follow up on based on Dr Harford's feedback,” she offered more carefully.

“What areas?” pressed Mark, already worrying almost as much as Seb, but distracting himself by pushing back, rather than internalising as Sebastian was.

Rachel let out a little sigh, but she spoke quickly before her colleague could leap in.

“Regarding a person with whom... I'm sorry I don't know how else to put this, but Seb, a person from your past.”

Seb felt an icy chill rush over his skin, followed immediately by a horrible prickling heat.

“Yes, this would be one Heikki Hoovenin, Huovinen, I don't know how you pronounce it,” picked up the social worker, reading from a piece of paper.

 

It was as if the chair beneath him disappeared and he dropped to the floor. Sebastian stared at her, his chest feeling tight. She looked back at him unblinkingly.

“Is that correct?”

Sebastian couldn't speak. Mark looked to him and knew he would have to try to manage this.

“Yes.”

The social worked turned her attention to him, but Rachel was looking at Seb, concerned at his visible change in pallor. The other woman blithely pressed on regardless.

“Mm, so following Dr Harford's report we have had cause to investigate this matter further and it seems you have not been entirely honest with us.”

Rachel turned from looking at Seb and shook her head at the other woman.

“Ah now wait a minute. I don't think that's fair.”

The social worker looked back at her. Rachel was far too soft for this job, always getting attached to her cases and taking everything personally.

 

“We answered every question on that,” defended Mark.

“You said it was in the past.”

“It is.”

“The stalking.”

“Yes, we told her, we were both straight about that. It is in the past.”

“You didn't say the stalking continued.”

Mark opened his mouth and then closed it again, not wanting to say anything that could make matters worse.

“It is in the past,” tried Sebastian weakly.

The social worker looked at him.

“Dr Harford said you were both very insistent on that, and yet when we've pulled the records it seems there was another incident recently where he came to your house.”

“But...”

“The police were called. Is that correct?”

Sebastian nodded tightly.

Mark pushed out a careful breath.

“That was last year. It is in the past.”

“If that is the case why is there still a standing restraining order against him?”

“You really should have mentioned this,” asserted Rachel far more softly.

 

Mark sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair.

“There's been nothing. He lives in another country.”

“Then why is there still a restraining order?” accused the social worker. “We have all the paperwork here. The police reports, the filed legal reports pertaining to the stalking both at your homes and across several countries.”

“That was years ago. He's given up.”

“Has he?”

“Yes.”

“Then why retain the order?”

“Just...” Mark sighed, unable to come up with any other reason than 'just in case' and that wasn't likely to help them.

 

“These reports refer to threatening behaviour. What precisely happened?”

“He just... He came to the house. Then he left.”

“And you called the police.”

“Seb did.”

Mark said it meaning to refer to Seb handling the situation, but the moment the words came out of his mouth he regretted it. It felt like an accusation.

“He just needed setting straight,” justified Mark rapidly. “Then he was gone and that's been it, nothing since. He's out of our lives.”

“I'm sure it was very upsetting,” offered Rachel, “but the thing is we do need to establish how things stand now.”

“The legal team looked into it and there's nothing, he's gone to ground.”

“Legal team?”

“At RedBull.”

“I don't have that report,” complained the social worker as she scanned through her file.

Mark wanted to huff at her, but he tried to keep his cool.

“Well it was a private matter. Just a check.”

“When was this?” enquired Rachel.

“Um, a few months back. Sweetheart?”

Mark looked to Sebastian who nodded, then forced his dry mouth to speak.

“Start of May,” he confirmed.

Rachel looked at him.

“When you applied?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian steeled himself and tried to explain, only looking at Rachel and not the other woman. “We just... we wanted to be sure there was nothing.”

“And there was nothing. He's crawled back under his rock,” added Mark.

“For now,” challenged the social worker. “What's to say he won't be back?”

Mark glared at her and Sebastian felt himself rocked backwards.

 

“He won't,” retorted Mark. “It's done with. That's what the report confirmed. There's nothing. That's why we checked.”

“I wish you'd said,” sighed Rachel.

“It does rather look as though you've been concealing things,” chimed the other woman.

Rachel's mouth opened and she whipped around to look at her.

“That isn't helpful.”

“So why didn't they say anything?”

Mark pushed out an annoyed breath at her speaking as if they weren't there.

“We answered every question we were asked on the matter. We've been entirely honest about this. She asked if it was behind us and it is. The restraining order was in the papers. It's public knowledge,” he argued.

“Not that is ongoing,” reposted the woman, “and not that there have been recent incidents rather than over two years ago.”

“ _An_ incident, not incidents and that was eight months back.”

“But you don't deny you have felt the need to retain the restraining order?”

Mark sighed, unable to answer that.

 

“So does he still constitute a threat or not?” she challenged.

“We don't believe so.”

“You don't believe so?”

“That's what I said.”

“Okay, intervened Rachel. “Let's just calm this down. No one is making any accusations here.”

Mark let out a short dry laugh.

“Yes she bloody well is. We haven't lied.”

“Nobody is saying you lied.”

“She just said we concealed it. We haven't.”

“You didn't mention it,” argued the social work pedantically.

“We answered everything asked of us. That psychiatrist woman asked us both about the stalking and all that and we answered all her questions.”

“But you didn't tell her it was ongoing.”

“It _isn't_ ongoing.”

“But you are still concerned enough to make legal enquiries and maintain the restraining order.”

 

Mark balled his hands into fists. They were going in circles and this bloody woman wouldn't leave off. He could see how unhappy Seb looked, even out of the corner of his eye and Mark was getting even more annoyed at how insensitive she was being.

“Look, can we just drop this please?” he requested.

“No I don't think we can.”

Mark stared at her and they eye-balled one another for a moment, neither willing to back down.

“We appreciate that is an upsetting matter,” tried Rachel.

Mark tore his eyes from the other woman and looked at her. He wanted to say that she had no idea how upsetting it was for Seb, but that would only make things worse.

“What we need to do is establish the situation going forwards,” stated Rachel carefully.

“We have established the situation. There is no situation,” argued Mark.

“Is this man a threat?” asked the social worker unwilling to back down.

“He lives in Finland for godsake,” pointed out Mark.

“That doesn't seem to have stopped him before.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment. He felt a sickness creeping through him. This woman had no idea what she was doing here. It felt like a thousand cuts into his skin every time she spoke of Heikki. As he re-opened his eyes he saw the social worker looking at him and Seb knew she had clocked his reaction. He tried to look back at her more confidently, but that only encouraged her to question him further.

“Sebastian, he was a former relationship of yours?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No I said that to her, to Dr. Harford.”

“So what was he?”

“That's not your business,” interceded Mark.

The woman flicked her eyes to him.

“It is. We need to establish what is going on here.”

“He was my trainer,” managed Seb.

“But not just that.”

“No.”

Sebastian wanted to close his eyes again, but hers were locked back on his and he knew he had to be strong and face her.

“So you were involved with him?”

Seb had his hands clasped together, a nail dug so deep into the palm of one hand that he was sure it must be drawing blood.

“Um, sort of, it was complicated.”

“He's said this before,” noted Mark. “He told Dr. Harford all this didn't you sweetheart?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well that's in the past as you said,” offered Rachel. “What matters is how things are now.”

“And we have told you it is done with,” reposted Mark, doing all he could to keep the anger from spilling into his voice.

“Dr Harford noted that you still had a strong reaction to discussing it,” picked up the social worker looking at her notes, seeing more in black and white than the person in front of her.

 

Mark wanted to say that if she knew that, then why the hell was she pushing poor Seb on it, but she just continued unabated.

“So it's clearly a matter that still affects you.”

Seb looked back at her and all he could do was shrug one shoulder.

“And if it still affects you then that suggests it is still an issue.”

“Lorna,” stopped Rachel, reading the expressions on both the faces opposite.

“If it's still an issue we need to establish why that is,” ploughed on the social worker ignoring her colleague. “The police report said he was threatening you.”

“No, he just... shouted,” explained Seb quietly.

“Shouted?”

“Yeah.”

“He wasn't violent?”

Sebastian felt all the blood drain from his body. He couldn't speak and Mark was too busy looking at him to check he was okay to reply, so the woman pressed on.

“The report says threatening behaviour,” repeated the social worker referring to her papers. “What exactly did that constitute?”

She looked back at him unwaveringly and Sebastian felt as though he had nowhere to hide. Though he hardly knew how he was making his mouth work, Seb knew he had to answer.

“He just shouted,” he repeated in a voice so low the others had to strain to hear it.

“Shouted?”

“For me to open the door.”

“And did you?”

“Yes.”

“So why did you call the police?”

“I wanted him to go away.”

“So why does the police report refer to threatening behaviour?”

 

Mark felt horrible and wanted to reach for Seb's hand, but they were locked tightly together on his lap.

“Seb didn't write the police report,” he pointed out.

“No but there has to be a reason they put that.”

“Just, I dunno, to get him to leave off. To give him a message.”

“What message?”

“To give up and stop. Which he has, so it worked,” asserted Mark.

“And you're sure of that?”

“Yes.”

 

Seb kept his chin up, though he wanted to look down and shut out all the noise around him. He felt as though his head was buzzing, but the social worker was looking directly at him and there was no escape.

“Seb, you're sure of that?”

“Sure of?” he asked, having lost track of what had been said.

“That this Heikki no longer is an issue?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I think they've answered everything on this,” tried Rachel.

“Actually no, I have another question,” continued the social worker. “The restraining order was taken out ahead of the recorded instances of stalking. Why was that?”

 

Sebastian felt himself falling, falling. This was what he had feared: They would press and press until they found out the full truth and then everything would collapse around him.

“Sebastian? Why was the restraining order instigated in the first place?”

The heat was in his skin, his heart pounding and his chest hurt, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe...

Getting no reply she looked to Mark instead.

“Apparently you referred to him as a bully Mark. What did you mean by that?”

Mark didn't hear the woman's question. He was too busy looking at Seb, seeing how wide his pupils had gone in panic, the irregular motion of his chest, even as Sebastian fought desperately to control it, barely letting his ribs move more than a fraction of an inch in and out. All the veins in Sebastian's hand were sticking out and Mark knew he was in trouble.

“Seb,” he tried.

Sebastian turned to look at him and Mark could see every last bit of colour had seeped from his skin. Seb tried to speak, but couldn't find the air so all he did was shake his head. Rachel looked at him with alarm. Even though Seb was working frantically to stop any outside signs show how much he was suffering, she could see something was wrong.

“I think we need to take a break,” she suggested quickly.

The social worker was about to protest, but Mark gave Rachel a quick nod and stuck a hand under Seb's elbow to propel him up off the chair and out the door before anyone had time to say anything else.

  
  


Sebastian didn't know how his legs were working. The moment they were out the door Mark spared a hand to shut it behind them then looked to Seb who now took far more obvious short gasps for breath.

“Seb.”

“I can't, I can't...”

“No, no darling it's okay.”

Sebastian shook his head, all control slipping away, he started breathing faster and faster. His chest really hurt now. It hurt. He couldn't make it work. He couldn't breathe. Seb tried to tell Mark he needed air, but all that came out was a pained gasp. It felt as though his heart was going to explode and there were bright lights sparking in front of his eyes.

 

Mark glanced towards the shut office door and knew he had to get Seb away. He fitted one arm around him and kept the other under his elbow and almost bodily dragged him down the corridor to where there was a men's bathroom. As soon as they were through the door he lowered Seb to sit on the floor and knelt in front of him.

“Breathe, breathe darling.”

Sebastian eyes were wide as they looked back at him and Mark forced calm into his voice.

“It's okay. It's just us. Eyes on me. You're okay.”

Seb shook his head. He couldn't slow. He was trapped into hyperventilating now, every snatched breath feeling as though it crushed him. He repeated each shallow breath, the next coming too soon for him to control anything. He was going to pass out. He knew it. Any moment now his body would give out and he would go. Seb's mind was conspiring against him, whirling in fear and panic to make everything worse. Seb wanted to appeal to Mark for help, but he couldn't speak.

Mark saw it in his eyes though, that horrible desperation that looked like a silent scream. He shuffled closer on his knees and pulled Seb into his chest to give him both comfort and a slower breathing action to mimic. One body speaking to another.

Mark closed his eyes as he pressed his cheek into Sebastian's to whisper into his ear.

“Breathe with me darling, slow, slow. It's okay, it's okay...”

He slipped his hands behind Seb and rubbed over his back firmly.

“Just breathe sweetheart.”

Mark never knew how he made his voice so preternaturally calm in these moments. It was almost as if he had a reaction to Seb's reaction. Like two opposing forces instinctively balancing themselves out. All he could think about was helping Seb and getting him through the attack as it hit. Nothing else existed, not even the cause of his attack, nothing but Seb and him and the essential need to soothe the problem away and make sure Sebastian was okay.

Sebastian closed his eyes in turn and focussed on the feeling of Mark against him, his low voice seeping into his mind, reassuring and safe.

“Slow darling,” repeated Mark. “You can do this, just slow down. You're in control, breathe more slowly now.”

Seb stopped thinking about how his body was attacking him from within and let himself feel Mark's firm hands stroking over his back, the movements slow and in time with the slightly exaggerated motion of Mark's chest which seemed to be stuck to Seb's, pulling his own chest in and out in a matching action.

“There, that's better, that's better darling.”

Mark felt relief flowing through him as Sebastian slowed against him.

“There we go, you're alright.”

 

Sebastian let out a sigh and dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder. He tried to raise his arms to put them around Mark's neck, but he felt too weak so Seb merely leaned into him, keeping his eyes closed whilst he tried to absorb his strength and comfort as Mark kept hold of him and softly repeated his reassurances until Seb let out a longer shaky breath and slowed so much it was almost as if he had slipped into sleep. They stayed that way for a few minutes, then Mark tentatively lifted away a fraction to look at Seb to check on him. He sat Sebastian back against the wall, then placed a hand under his chin to try to get him to look at him.

“Sweetheart?”

Sebastian reluctantly opened his eyes to look at Mark, but something about the concern in Mark's face combined with the loss of contact undid him and Seb took a sharper breath before bursting into tears.

“Oh god,” sighed Mark, pulling Seb back into him. “It's alright darling, it's okay, just let it out.”

Sebastian sobbed into his shoulder hardly knowing precisely what he was crying about other than the fact he was upset. All Mark could do was hang on to him and accept that this was at least a less destructive release of emotion. Eventually Sebastian sniffed and Mark cautiously lifted up a fraction to look at him again, keeping his arms around him. He didn't know what to say so Mark simply looked at him sympathetically then pulled the hem of his long-sleeved t-shirt to cover his thumb and dabbed it under Seb's eyes to dry them.

 

Seb took a long, still shaky breath and Mark rubbed over his arm.

“Do you want anything?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Okay. We're just gonna sit here for a bit,” assured Mark.

“Rachel...”

“Don't worry about that for now.”

Seb took in a deep breath and let it out unevenly. He glanced towards the bathroom door just a couple of feet away.

“Someone might come in,” he worried.

Mark paused, then nodded.

“Alright, do you want to get some fresh air?”

“Yeah,” Seb replied quietly.

 

Mark had to help him to stand. He was about to walk them out when Sebastian looked towards the row of sinks.

“I need to wash my face.”

“Sure.”

Mark didn't let go of him as Seb did as he needed to. Sebastian caught sight of his face in the mirror and had confirmation of how terrible he looked. Even though he was still making an effort not to think of anything other than what he physically needed to do to restore himself, Seb knew he was ignoring the cause of what had just happened. He needed to keep ignoring it for now though, so once he had splashed his face with cold water he allowed Mark to guide him out into the hallway, thankful that there was no one about. They went down in the lift to the entrance area where Mark spotted a water cooler. He diverted them to grab a cupful of water to take with them and then guided them outside, neither of them looking in the direction of the woman on the reception desk.

  
  


Once they got outside Seb felt slightly better. The weather was cooler than it had been for the past two weeks, but it was still fine. The air felt fresher and Seb took in deep lungfuls of it as Mark found a low wall to sit on at the edge of the car-park. He considered taking them over to their car, but then Mark knew Sebastian would want to go home and he didn't think they could simply leave like that.

They sat, Mark with his arm firmly around Seb as he sipped the water, neither speaking. After a while Seb passed the little plastic cup back to Mark who placed it on the tarmac at their feet, then Seb simply put his head to rest on Mark's shoulders and fitted his arms right around Mark's middle to hang on to him. With his left arm Mark continued to hold Seb into his side, with his spare hand he found Sebastian's wrist and gently stroked his thumb back and forth over the little tattoo there, feeling his pulse still elevated despite Seb's body stilling.

Mark stared out at the mundane array of cars parked in front of him and hid a sigh. He knew they needed to go back inside and the longer it took them, the worse it looked, but there was no way Sebastian could face that until he was ready. They'd just have to wait.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Several flights up, the moment Sebastian and Mark had rapidly left the room Rachel had turned from staring after their departing figures to look at her colleague. Once the door shut behind them Rachel glowered over at the other woman.

“What the hell do you think you're doing interrogating them like that?”

“I was asking the questions that need asking.”

“Not in the way they needed asking. It's obviously a very sensitive subject.”

“That much _is_ obvious.”

Rachel looked back at her colleague wondering how she could be so cold. Was this what the job did to you in the end? You just stopped caring about the real people in front of you?

“They are ours to look after as well,” she argued. “We have to consider their welfare. You just blasted in there with no regard to their feelings. Dr Harford's report _specifically_ told us it has to be a traumatic matter from the way they reacted to talking about it.”

The social worker shook her head at this being put back on her.

“He went white as a sheet. Do you think he ought to be looking after a child?” she challenged.

“I think he's had a horrible shock. They've set their heart on adopting, of course they'll be devastated if they can't.”

“They've concealed things from us.”

“I think it would be fairer to say they didn't want to talk about an upsetting aspect of their past.”

“There's more to this.”

“Stalking is a distressing thing to happen to anyone. Isn't that enough for godsake?” exasperated Rachel.

The social worker huffed breath and shrugged.

“I don't know. I suppose.”

Rachel was having to restrain herself from saying what she really wanted. She knew she had to try to keep this professional even if she thought her colleague had been anything but.

“Dr. Harford is the psychiatrist, not you and she stated quite clearly that they seemed scarred by the stalking. Of course it's going to be difficult to talk about. I'm not surprised they want to forget it. You must have seen it was upsetting Seb. Why did you keep pushing?”

“He barely spoke. It was Mark who did all the talking.”

 

Rachel sighed, knowing that was true. That aspect certainly rang true with Dr Harford's report as well, Mark was clearly very protective and Rachel had to admit, if only to herself, that she thought there _was_ more to all this.

“Fine, so Seb was upset. Wouldn't anyone be upset by someone stalking them?”

“He didn't seem to want to talk about their relationship.”

“Their relationship?”

“Sebastian's with this Heikki.”

“Well I'm hardly surprised seeing as it must have ended badly. We don't have a right to everything. Only what is relevant.”

“This clearly is relevant.”

“Not if it really is done with. We did know about this before. Mark's right, it's public knowledge.”

“Not the recent incident.”

“Eight months isn't all that recent.”

“And before?”

“What before?”

“The reason they got the restraining order in the first place. Were they together that far back?”

“Who?”

“Those two, Mark and Sebastian.”

“I don't know. Maybe. They said they've been close for a long time. Perhaps that's it? He was just jealous, this Heikki. That would make sense wouldn't it?”

“Perhaps.”

“Well putting their backs against the wall isn't going to encourage them to open up is it? It isn't our job to prise every bit of information out of applicants about their past, only what is relevant to their current and future situation,” argued Rachel.

“They didn't give a good reason why the restraining order is still in place if they believe the matter to be closed,” the woman countered.

“Perhaps if I speak to them alone I might get them to talk a bit more.”

“Do you think they're coming back?”

“Yes I think so. They care too much about this.”

 

The social worker was tempted to say that Rachel plainly cared too much as well. She simply could not stay emotionally detached from her cases. It would bite her in the end. She'd seen it too many times before. You had to remain impartial or you would never survive in this job.

“I think it would be better if it was just me here when they come back,” asserted Rachel.

“You're throwing me out?”

“I'm saying this is a sensitive conversation and they need to feel as though they aren't being accused of lying, which quite frankly you came perilously close to just now.”

The social worker opened her mouth, trying to think how to argue against that, but Rachel went on.

“They could make a complaint about that if they chose to. I've been all over Dr Harford's notes and nothing she said they told her implies they have been dishonest. They spoke about the stalking and the restraining order _was_ public knowledge.”

“Just not that it is ongoing,” interrupted the other woman.

Rachel narrowed her lips, trying to stop herself from saying that attitude was what had upset the meeting in the first place.

“This isn't going to work if we treat them like criminals. They've done nothing wrong.”

 

The social worker wanted to argue her case, but it seemed they were never going to agree. Moreover she was worrying now that she had pretty much called Mark a liar to his face and he didn't seem the type to take that. All Rachel needed to do was drop a hint to him that he ought to make an official complaint and she would be buried in bureaucracy for god only knew how long and she didn't want to think what that could do to her career. She huffed out a breath, then looked for her bag on the floor behind the desk.

“Fine. I'll go, but this needs resolving.”

“That is my intention,” replied Rachel, still biting her tongue from saying she now had a number of problems to resolve, not the least of which was this débâcle of a meeting.

They looked at one another again, then both of them realised that they were in danger of saying something they would regret, so the other woman gathered her things into her bag, slung it onto her shoulder and exited without so much as a goodbye.

As soon as she was alone Rachel sat back in her chair and let out the longest sigh. Complete bloody disaster. She _knew_ this was a meeting she had to do on her own. She should have trusted her instinct and found a way to say no when her colleague insisted on coming this morning.

She sat up and rubbed over her face before standing up and going to look if by any chance Mark and Sebastian were sat outside. No sign. Rachel paused then headed down the corridor to the little staff kitchen to make herself a coffee to try to re-set herself. While the kettle boiled she twirled her long blonde hair up into a bun and fixed it in place with a grip from her trouser pocket. She didn't know why, but somehow putting her hair up helped her think more clearly and right now she needed a clear mind to attempt to come up with some kind of solution to this problem. She stirred the hot water into her mug then took the coffee back to her office to wait in hope that the pair would reappear and she could try to resolve this.

  
  


 

 

 

Outside Mark felt Sebastian let out a long sigh and turned in slightly to look at him. He didn't know how long had past since they left Rachel's office, though he guessed perhaps twenty minutes.

“How're you feeling?” he asked.

Sebastian shrugged, lifting his head to look at him.

“Up to going back in there?” pressed Mark.

Seb closed his eyes for a second before looking back at him.

“I'd rather just go home,” Seb confessed.

“I know darling, so would I, but I think we need to at least speak to them.”

Seb wanted to say that was the last thing he needed, but he knew running away would look terrible.

“I don't know how to face them now,” he admitted.

“We don't have to stay long. I'm not going over all that again.”

“They'll have seen,” worried Sebastian.

“Seen what?”

Seb looked at him and Mark realised what he meant.

“They just saw you were upset,” he assured.

“But they know now.”

“Know?”

“About Heikki, my past, how messed up I am.”

Mark loosened his hold on Seb to look at him better.

“You're not messed up.”

Sebastian huffed a mirthless laugh.

“I just had a meltdown right in front of them.”

“No, you got upset because that bloody woman wouldn't leave well alone. I don't know what the hell she was thinking. It's none of her damn business.”

“But they know what he did.”

“They don't. They just know he came back last November and we still have the restraining order. That's it.”

“That's bad enough and if she just keeps poking into it all I won't know what to say.”

“You don't have to say. She doesn't have a right to that.” Mark looked at him firmly. “She doesn't. Nobody does.”

 

Sebastian looked down, feeling horrible emotions bubbling up inside him again.

“I don't want anyone to know what happened.”

Mark heard the wobble in his voice and lifted his hand to place it at Seb's cheek while he looked at him.

“Nobody is going to. We'll just tell them things ended badly and you needed a clean break. That's true.”

Even if it wasn't the full truth, Mark didn't add.

Seb looked up at him with big eyes that undid Mark every time. He thought that social worker had to have a heart of stone to have been so unaffected by them in there.

“Maybe I'm too messed up to have a kid?”

“No.” Mark looked at him firmly. “No Seb don't talk like that. Of course you're upset.”

“But...”

“Henry wrote what I am sure was a long report telling them exactly the opposite,” argued Mark.

Sebastian paused as he thought about that.

“I suppose.”

“Sweetheart you are an incredibly strong person who has some horrible shitty stuff in the past you've had to overcome. I think that will make you a wonderful parent, especially if a child comes a tough background as well.”

“Maybe.”

“I'm sure it will.”

Seb looked down again.

“That's not much good if they won't let us adopt.”

“Darling.”

Seb looked back at him.

“If they keep digging on Heikki.”

“They won't.”

“They might.”

Mark sighed.

“I'm sorry sweetheart. This is my fault.”

Seb furrowed his brow as he looked at Mark.

“How is it your fault?”

“What I said to the psychiatrist.” Mark paused, then continued. “About him being a bully. That must have raised those red flags.”

“Oh.” Sebastian sighed and shook his head. “No I think she read me too well. I freaked out so badly when she went on about me blaming myself. She must have seen through me.”

 

Mark stroked down Seb's arm, knowing no good came of them finding fault, but still feeling guilty about his part in it.

“Maybe she just added it all up? I suppose that's her job.”

“And now they've pulled all the legal records.”

“Hmm,” agreed Mark, wondering how it was the agency hadn't actually done that in the first place. “At least we know that's out there now.”

Seb looked at him.

“How is that a good thing?”

“Well... it's everything on record, so at least we know they have all that. There's nothing more for them to find.”

“Oh my god Mark, there is.”

“No darling. Nothing on record. They don't have a right to more than that and we don't have to tell them. It's personal.”

“But if she keeps on asking?”

“Like I said, we can say it was about a clean break and moving on.”

“What about the restraining order still existing?”

Mark pushed out a breath.

“What if we dropped it?”

“The restraining order?”

“Well we're not heard a peep out of him and frankly he never paid any bloody attention to it in the first place did he?”

“I suppose not,” accepted Seb.

“If it makes you feel uncomfortable then we leave it.”

“No, I guess... I mean you're right, and he's not going to come back is he?”

“I'm sure he'd never dare come near the house again sweetheart. It didn't end well for him last time did it?”

“No I suppose not.”

“The police scared him off. As did you.”

“Hmm.”

“You did. So he's gone to ground. We just need to convince them of that fact.”

“Yeah okay. Yeah I guess we should drop the order then, that might persuade them,” agreed Seb, trying to persuade himself just as much.

 

Mark took a deep breath and let it out.

“Let's go back up there and talk to them. I won't let that woman harangue you. We'll just try to sort things out.”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian, knowing he really had no choice.

He reached up and put his arms around Mark's neck to get a hug, Mark pulling him in close for a good minute before he let go.

“We'll find a way to fix this,” Mark assured.

Seb nodded, though he felt a good deal less certain. He stood as Mark did, still feeling as though going straight home was a far preferable option. Mark was looking to him and Seb knew he had to pull himself together so he took Mark's hand and turned back towards the building entrance, preparing himself to face the music once more, though he barely knew how.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark squeezed Seb's hand as they stood outside Rachel's door.

“We won't stay long, okay sweetheart? We'll just say what we need to and then go home.”

“Okay,” replied Sebastian quietly.

Mark paused, already thinking that he would have to do most of the talking and regretting the fact they had to go back at all. It felt cruel to force Sebastian to go back in there again, but they had no choice. He raised his spare hand and knocked on the door. Seconds later it opened to reveal Rachel.

“Oh hey, how are you? Are you alright?” she checked with concern.

“We just needed a moment,” replied Mark.

Rachel nodded, making no comment about the fact that moment had taken nearly twenty-five minutes and they were technically into her lunch break now. Instead she was appraising Seb's appearance, thinking he still looked pale. She wondered if it was wrong that she wanted to give him a hug. No doubt it would qualify as being unprofessional.

“Why don't you come through and we'll just have a chat to try to sort this out?” she offered.

Mark peered past her and saw that the office was now empty. Rachel saw where he was looking.

“Um, I thought we'd do better with it just being us,” she explained.

Mark turned back to her and nodded. Rachel sighed and shook her head.

“I'm so sorry. I never meant this morning to turn out this way. We've not handled this well and I apologise.”

Mark gave her a look, tempted to agree, but then he didn't blame Rachel half so much as the other woman.

“Why don't you come and sit down?” proposed Rachel.

They went through and resumed their seats, Rachel pausing as they sat.

“Would you like a cup of tea perhaps?” she suggested.

Mark still had hold of Seb's hand and he tipped his head in to look at him, thinking that might be a good idea.

“Tea?” he repeated.

“Um, okay,” agreed Sebastian.

“Right. Milk, sugar?” enquired Rachel.

“Just a dash of milk for me and, Seb...” Mark looked back to Seb, asking a question with a flick of his eyes, then nodding as Seb acquiesced to his unspoken suggestion. “Milk and sugar.”

“Two ticks then.”

 

She left the room and Mark let go of Seb's hand to put his arm around him, knowing that it had taken courage for him to walk back in here.

“At least it's only Rachel,” he noted.

Sebastian nodded and let out a breath. It did feel better to only have to face her and Rachel did seem kind, but they still had to answer questions to try to set things straight.

A minute or so later Rachel reappeared bearing two mugs of tea, she passed the first to Seb, then another to Mark before taking her seat and giving them a moment to sip their drinks. She took a drink of her own now semi-cold coffee, thankful that it tasted reasonably okay as it was black. She looked up at the two of them sat so closely together and wondered where to begin. Rachel put down her mug and pushed a stray piece of dark blonde hair behind one ear.

“Okay, so are you alright to talk?” she checked.

Mark placed his mug on the desk in front of him, then glanced to Seb, glad that Rachel had been thoughtful enough to provide this chance to help calm themselves down.

“Sure,” he agreed.

Rachel looked to Seb who nodded, encouraging her to make a start.

“Okay well as I say, I'm sorry things got... badly handled before. Of course it's an upsetting matter to have to discuss, I understand that.”

Mark was tempted to say that her colleague didn't seem to, but he just nodded.

“Alright, well I wish we could leave it, but I'm afraid we do need to talk about it a bit more.”

Mark looked as though he was about to protest, but Rachel raised a hand.

“Not to pry into aspects that have no relevance, but we do need to establish what the situation is.”

Mark took a deep breath.

“As we told you, the situation is that it's in the past.”

“Yes but you have to understand why were are concerned,” persisted Rachel. “Our job, my job, is to find families for children where they will be safe.”

“They will be.”

“I know that's what you want. But the thing is...” she sighed as she looked at them. “The children we are helping here, they need safe havens. Sometimes the situations we have had to remove them from are extremely difficult, homes, even families where the very problem was that they were in danger. The last thing we want to do is to move them from that to put them in another situation where they could be under threat once more.”

 

Mark let out a long frustrated breath and it was Seb who spoke.

“They wouldn't be under threat. We'd never let anything happen to them.”

Rachel nodded.

“But the thing is, looking at it in black and white, a situation where there is a restraining order against a person who has a record of threatening behaviour, coming to your home. You can see how that looks.”

“We can drop the restraining order,” offered Mark.

Rachel looked at him.

“Because you are certain it is no longer needed?”

“Yes.”

She nodded slowly.

“That might help, but the thing is we have to be sure, absolutely sure that we wouldn't be placing a child in a situation where they could be at risk, even from external forces. I'm not saying from you, but if this is out of your control?”

“We've done everything we can to control it,” asserted Mark.

“I understand that. I'm not blaming you.”

“You are though. You're punishing us or something that isn't our fault.”

Rachel shook her head.

“No I'm not. I know that you don't want this situation, of course you don't. It's terrible that this has happened and I don't blame you in the slightest, but I cannot prioritise your feelings over that of a child's safety.”

 

Sebastian felt sick at the idea of a child being in danger. Even the suggestion made him want to cry. He took a calming breath and nodded at her.

“It's alright Rachel, we understand.”

He sounded so defeated and Rachel felt terrible.

“Seb, I'm not saying this is a dead end. I know you have the potential to offer a wonderful home to a child. I'm not saying you are bad people. You want to be good parents, I know that and I know how much this all means to you, but right now I'm not in a position where I can confidently recommend you for approval to adopt. I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh.”

Sebastian shook his head and looked down.

“It's okay,” he let out dejectedly.

Mark placed his hand over Seb's.

“It's not.”

“I know it's not,” agreed Rachel sadly.

“How do we fix this?” asked Mark.

Rachel sighed and tried to think things through.

“Well, dropping the restraining order would send a message. You said your legal team looked into things, perhaps we could have that report or whatever they have?”

“Sure.”

“Then beyond that...” she sighed again. “I don't know. Maybe... you said the last occurrence was eight months back?”

“Yes and nothing since, not a peep.”

“Alright, well given that he lives abroad if we can perhaps have a longer period of peace shall we say, then that might reassure the board that it is an issue that has been resolved.”

“Right.”

 

Rachel tried to think what else to suggest, but the truth was she still needed to reassure herself.

“Seb I'm really sorry, but I have to ask this. _Does_ this Heikki constitute a threat? Is he dangerous?”

Seb wanted to cry. He couldn't lie to her. It wasn't fair on either her or any child that might come to them. Mark fitted his hand around Sebastian's and squeezed it before speaking, knowing that Seb couldn't.

“Look, he's not a nice guy, but that's what I said to the psychiatrist: Heikki's a coward underneath, he made a mistake pushing things last year, but as soon as Seb stood up to him and the police had a word, he left and he's not tried anything since. We really don't have any reason to believe he would again. I'm sure he finally learnt his lesson.”

Rachel nodded.

“Okay and that's what you meant when you described him as a bully?”

“Yeah.”

“And the reason for originally taking out of the restraining order?”

“Seb needed to make a clean break.”

“Right.”

Sebastian steeled himself to try to explain, he felt Mark's hand holding on to his and took strength from it as he looked at Rachel.

“I went to stay with Mark, but he kept texting and calling,” he recounted.

“This is Heikki?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to be free of him.”

“So you took out the restraining order?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, and that's all that happened?”

Sebastian felt horrible. He didn't want to lie to her, but if Rachel pressed for more information he didn't know what he would be able to say.

“Then, yeah,” Seb replied, knowing he was walking a tightrope of truth.

“This is like two and a half years ago,” added Mark.

“And the stalking only came later?” asked Rachel.

Seb nodded.

“It stopped though,” explained Mark. “When it came to light he was warned off and it all stopped.”

“But then he came back?”

Mark huffed a breath and gave her a look.

“I'm sorry Mark, but I'm trying to establish the facts here.”

“Fine, yes. One incident last November when he came to the house, but he left and that was it.”

“Nothing since?”

“Nothing since, not a dickie bird. To be honest I'd almost forgotten about the restraining order. It's not an issue now.”

Rachel nodded, glad that this was a far calmer conversation than their earlier one.

“Alright, well if as you say you are confident it is all in the past, hopefully we can find a way to confirm that.”

Both Mark and Seb nodded and Rachel decided that they had been through enough for today.

“Okay, well let's see where we go from here,” she offered.

“So where do we stand?” asked Mark.

Rachel looked at him.

“In all honesty I'm not sure. I'm afraid for now we will have to consider things on hold.”

 

Sebastian felt as though a heavy door was slamming shut in his face. Maybe Rachel was right? With his past maybe he shouldn't be allowed to adopt? He'd barely told her a fraction of the full truth and it was enough to worry her. Heikki was dangerous, even if he was a thousand miles away, gone to ground. Was it fair on some poor child to put them at risk like that?

Mark wanted to argue, but he was unable to think of anything to add to what they had already said and Seb really looked as if he couldn't take a lot more.

“Okay. Are we done?”

“Yes, for now.” Rachel looked at the pair of them. “We'll have to see where we go from here, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark gave the back of Seb's hand a rub with his thumb.

“Come on,” he encouraged quietly. “Let's go home.”

Sebastian nodded and they both stood. Rachel copied them and stepped around her desk.

“I am sorry about this.”

Mark simply gave her a nod, but Seb felt unable to do anything. He felt a huge weight on him, dragging him down. He couldn't fake a smile for her or find anything to say.

To Rachel's eyes Sebastian still looked ashen and she wished there was something she could say to help. Mark was right; it was unfair that they were being punished for another's transgressions, but there was nothing she could do about that, not right now anyway.

“You'll send me that report?” she reminded them.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

“Okay, we'll see what we can do. I can't make any promises.”

Mark nodded again and gave Seb's hand a squeeze before leading them from the room.

  
  


 

  
  


They drove home in heavy silence. Mark had tried talking to Seb when they got back to the car but Seb had simply shaken his head. By the time they got back Sebastian hardly knew how he made his legs function to walk into the house. Mark led them to sit in the lounge then left Seb with the dogs fussing around him to make them some more tea. Returning, he handed the mug to Sebastian and pushed the dogs away slightly from where they crowded Sebastian's legs so he could sit down next to him. Seb took a sip of tea and tasted sugar again. He hated it. Sweet tea was a sign of terrible things happening.

He drank it anyway though. Mark fitted his arm around him and drank his own tea for a while before looking at Seb to see how he was doing. Mark sighed as he stretched to set his mug down on the coffee table.

“I'm so sorry darling.”

Sebastian just shook his head and Mark felt more guilty than ever.

“It's my fault. If I'd not said that stuff to that bloody psychiatrist.”

Seb shook his head again.

“It was me. It's my past. They were always going to find out.”

He spoke so quietly that Mark had to lean his head in closer to hear.

“No sweetheart.”

“She doesn't even know the half of it. I feel horrible for lying to her.”

“You didn't. Sweetheart you didn't lie. You just didn't tell her more than she needed to know. You don't have to do that.”

Sebastian sighed and looked up at him.

“But he is dangerous. She's right, it isn't fair on some poor child to put them at risk like that. What if he came to the house and I was on my own here with a baby?”

“Seb I don't believe he'd do that.”

“He might though.”

“You know he's a coward underneath.”

“I don't know.”

“You do.”

“If he threatened our baby I don't know what I'd do,” Seb admitted.

“You'd protect them. I know you would.”

“I might do anything to stop him.”

“What do you mean?”

Sebastian let out a shaky sigh.

“I don't know. I just... I have this horrible image now of him holding our baby and threatening to hurt them and, and if he did that, I'd give in. I'd do anything he said to stop it.”

“Seb no.”

“He'd have power over me again,” let out Seb miserably.

Mark shook his head, but fat tears began rolling down Sebastian's cheek.

“He'd win.”

 

Mark hated hearing the defeated tone in Seb's voice. He brushed away Sebastian's tears then put his hand at the side of Seb's face and looked at him.

“That _won't_ happen.”

“But, but that woman is right, if he's been here before he could come again.”

“I don't think he would darling. I really don't,” insisted Mark as firmly as he could.

“But what if he did?”

Mark sighed.

“Well, even worst case scenario you won't be here on your own. I'd be here. I'm taking a year out aren't I? So you wouldn't be home on your own with the baby.”

“Ever?”

“If that's what it takes, yes. Why would I go off anywhere?”

“I don't know.”

“That's not going to happen anyway, your imagination is just running wild. He'd never risk coming here again. I don't believe it possible. We'd call the police wouldn't we? And he knows that.”

“What if they contact him?” worried Seb.

“Who?”

“Rachel and that social worker. What if they get in touch with him to ask him his side?”

Mark shook his head.

“They won't do that. They can't, not without our permission. There's no way.”

“Do you think?”

“Yes. It'd be breaking all kinds of confidentiality rules for starters, never mind invading privacy and besides which he's in another country so they're not going to do that.”

 

Seb dropped his head into Mark's shoulder.

“I thought we were free. I thought we'd won, but we haven't.”

Sebastian took in a shaky breath, trying not to cry even more as he continued.

“He's winning now. All we've been through and he could still destroy our future. My past. I knew it would haunt us. We'll never be free and I just know if he had any idea about this he'd be happy. He'd be so damn happy he was ruining things for us and I can't stand it.”

Mark closed his eyes and rested his cheek into Seb's hair as he held him in.

“This is my fault,” Mark apologised.

 

Seb shook his head against him.

“No. It's my past. It's me. I'm not allowed to be happy. We were too happy. I should have known something horrible was around the corner. I think I must have done something terrible in a former life. I'm always being punished. He used to say... he used to say I deserved it.”

Mark lifted his head to look at him, alarmed at the way Seb was unravelling.

“Seb stop.”

Sebastian lifted his head to look at him properly, but his face crumpled.

“This is my fault. I asked too much. I shouldn't, shouldn't have pushed. You and me we were happy, but it wasn't enough, I wanted more. I was greedy and now we're both being punished for it.”

Seb was spiralling and Mark was horrified at the words spilling from his mouth.

“No Seb, stop sweetheart. That isn't true.”

“Whenever I get too much something has to give. I shouldn't push. I pushed you into wanting to adopt.”

“No. No you did not,” countered Mark solidly. “I told that psychiatrist you never pushed me and I meant it. You only raised the matter I hadn't thought about and when I did I realised what you had; We're meant to have a family. My choice darling. I want it just as much.”

“But now we can't and it's all my fault.”

“It's not. It's mine. Me and my bloody galumphing big mouth.”

Seb shook his head miserably.

“It's my past and it's going to destroy our future and I can't bear it. I can't bear it Liebling. I can't bear it.”

Sebastian felt as though everything in his head was spinning and he couldn't say any more. Tears streamed down his face and Mark tried to brush them away, but Seb shook his head and pulled away. All his dreams, all his stupid dreams he'd dared to allow himself. He should have known better.

 

He pushed the dogs out of the way and before Mark could stop him, Seb was up and away, out of the room and up the stairs with more speed than he would have thought possible. Mark called after him, then got up to follow, taking the stairs two at a time to catch up just in time to see Sebastian dropping onto their bed face first. Mark put his hand on Seb's shoulder as he sat down beside him, but he didn't seem to feel it as Sebastian sobbed into the pillow.

“Sweetheart.”

Mark sighed as he got nothing back. He felt as though his insides had been scooped out. The worst of it was that it felt as though there was a horrible inevitability to all of this, but Mark hardly knew how else they could have handled it. Should they have told Rachel in the first place? Surely then they would only have arrived at this point sooner? Perhaps at least they wouldn't have got their hopes up quite so much then? All the work they'd done, all their dreams. Did they mean nothing? Mark couldn't believe that to be true. He knew they would make good parents. They were _meant_ to be a family.

 

Mark stayed sat beside him, slowly stroking Sebastian's hair almost as a reflex. He wanted to tell him that he was sorry for his stumble in their interview once more, but Seb was lost to him right now. The sobbing had stopped, but Seb didn't move, he simply lay with his face buried, now in complete silence. Sebastian was utterly still and it scared the hell out of Mark.

“Sweetheart?”

Nothing. Mark didn't know where Seb had gone, but it was nowhere good. He sighed, then pushed off his shoes and went around to his side of the bed and crawled on to lie next to him. Mark put his arm around him and put his head near Seb's.

“I'm so sorry darling,” Mark whispered.

Still nothing came back and Mark thought he might cry himself.

“Please look at me Seb, I'm worried.”

At first there was nothing, but then very slowly Seb turned his head a fraction to the side, still keeping his cheek pressed into the pillow.

“I'm sorry darling please forgive me,” begged Mark, unable to forgive himself for his blunder.

Sebastian gave a tiny shake of his head and Mark's voice cracked.

“Please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen.”

Seb saw Mark's eyes fill with tears and finally forced his mouth to work.

“It's not your fault. I didn't mean that.”

“It is though.”

“It's not. They were always going to find out.”

Mark moved his head in to rest his forehead against Sebastian's and they were silent for a moment before Seb whispered brokenly.

“It hurts. It hurts so much. Like a physical pain.”

Mark lifted his head away, frowning with concern.

“It hurts?”

“I need to make myself numb but I can't do it. I was trying, but I can't do it any more. It's all the way through, deep inside me, so I can't shut it out.”

Mark sighed, hating that Seb was referring to one of his old survival techniques. They shouldn't play any part in their lives now.

“I know I should stop,” continued Seb.

“Stop what?”

“Stop wanting it: a family. It's my fault for wanting it too much.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“Sweetheart that's bollocks.”

“I can't though. I've been trying. Trying to stop myself wanting it, but I can't. I know that makes it sound like you're not enough for me.”

 

Mark removed his arm from around Seb and rubbed at his face, trying to think how to pull this back to stop Seb spiralling uncontrollably.

“Okay sit up sweetheart.”

Sebastian looked at him with big damp eyes and Mark sighed.

“Come on, sit up.”

He slipped a hand underneath him and pulled the pair of them to sit up on the bed together, Mark keeping his arm around Seb.

“Okay stop. Just stop. This is all bullshit. We're allowed to want a family. We. Not you, _we_. You and me. Both of us. Aren't I allowed to want it too?”

Sebastian pouted and looked at him feeling guilty.

“Of course you are. I'm so selfish Liebling, I'm sorry.”

“No that's not what I meant. Ah Seb sweetheart, stop kicking yourself. We want a family and we are allowed to want that. We're just going to have to fight harder for it. Do we give up when the fight gets tough?”

“I'm not tough. I can't do this. I can't tell them what Heikki really is. I can't tell them what he did to me.”

“You don't need to. Darling calm down. They're not going to find out.”

Sebastian balled his hands and closed his eyes, his face scrunched tight. He heard Mark's words but the traitor in his mind was calling, telling him that he was wrong, everything was falling apart and he had no control over it happening. The sound of Heikki was laughing at his pain echoed in Sebastian's head, cold and mocking. Seb instinctively wanted to shut down to protect his core survival pod just as he always had. That was how you got through it, stopped him hurting the real you inside. Don't feel anything, don't give him that, don't react, hide. Hide inside.

 

Gentle arms went around him and Sebastian almost flinched, but their strength was so different from the kind he'd feared long ago. Mark rested his head into Seb's and whispered to him softly.

“You don't need to tell them. Nobody's going to find out. It's alright.”

Sebastian leaned more into him, so Mark continued, hoping that he was reaching him.

“Heikki isn't going to destroy our future and I will never let him near either you or our child. Ever. If I have to give up racing altogether to make sure of it I will do,” vowed Mark.

Seb lifted his head and looked at him.

“You'd give up racing?”

“If I had to. I won't let anybody hurt you.”

“But you love racing.”

“I love you more.”

“I love you too Liebling, but you can't give up racing. You just won Le Mans. It isn't fair, none of this is fair.”

“No, it's not.”

 

Sebastian sighed heavily into him.

“I thought I was free of him. That we were free.”

Mark didn't know what to say. He had thought the same.

“What if he comes back like she said?” asked Seb.

“He won't,” insisted Mark, feeling angry that the social worker could have so thoughtlessly put that idea in Seb's head.

“She's right though. He has before. How do we know he won't?”

Mark sighed.

“I don't believe he will. I'm sure he learnt his lesson last time. Don't listen to that bloody woman Seb. She's no business saying things like that. What does she know?”

“But _I_ know. I know what he's like and he might.”

“Why though?” challenged Mark.

“I don't know.”

“Sweetheart she's just made you paranoid.”

“You're not paranoid if things really happen,” Seb argued.

Mark had no answer to that.

“Don't think about what happened before,” he tried.

“I can't stop now.”

Mark huffed out air. He hardly knew if he was more concerned about Seb, worried about their situation, or angry with the social worker for putting these terrible fears in Seb's head.

 

Sebastian covered his face with his hands as if that could do anything to block out the horrific memories that were flooding in: How frightened he had been when Heikki had appeared at the house, both times. He'd had to leave that old house he was so scared to be there on his own, but this was his safe place wasn't it? Heikki had been here before though. Only the police had stopped him. Seb knew he had faced him, but in the end Heikki would have found a way past the dogs if they hadn't appeared in time.

All the horrendous things Seb knew he was capable of and how impossible it was to stop him. Heikki was too strong. He was wrong in the head, but that didn't make things better, it made it worse. All Seb could see now was himself stood on the doorstep trying to make Heikki leave and Heikki snatching their baby from his arms and Seb powerless to stop him threatening a poor helpless little child. He'd beg him to stop, but Heikki never listened to begging. It only encouraged him to be crueller. Would he really hurt a baby? People did. Terrible people in this world did and it made Seb feel sick.

 

Sebastian looked up at Mark anxiously.

“We can't let him hurt our baby.”

“We won't. I won't. There is no way on god's earth I would ever let that happen. I would die first.” Mark put his hands on Seb's arms and looked him in the eye. “Heikki is not going to hurt you or our baby. I will not let that happen. Ever. Do you hear me?”

Seb nodded.

“We won't let him win,” continued Mark. “We will fight this. Fair means or foul. I don't care. This is my family and we are going to find a way.”

Sebastian let out a long shaky breath and nodded again.

“Okay,” he agreed quietly.

“Okay,” echoed Mark.

He gently rubbed his hands up and down Seb's arms, trying to find anything he could say to encourage him.

“I don't think he ever would come here darling, but if he did and even if I somehow wasn't here, you'd call the police, but I think if he made that mistake Heikki would come off the worst for it. I know you would never let our child come to any harm. You underestimate yourself. I think you'd be a lioness with their cub.”

Seb let out something close to a laugh, though he didn't feel like it.

“A lioness?”

“Yeah, they're far fiercer than a lion. You come between them and their cub and it's curtains darling. Lionesses do all the hunting, they're ferocious. I think if Heikki so much as tried to lay a finger _near_ our child you would find you had claws you never knew were there.”

Sebastian tried to give him a weak smile.

“I don't know about that.”

“I do. You are strong and you are a fighter. Nobody but nobody is going to mess with our kid.”

“But how are we going to get them now?” Sebastian sighed.

“We'll keep fighting. Rachel hasn't said no. We just have to find a way somehow. We're not going to give up are we?”

“I suppose.”

“No come on, you can do better than that,” insisted Mark. “Are we going to give up?”

Mark looked at Sebastian resolutely and Seb knew there was only one answer to give, even if he wasn't quite convinced.

“No,” he replied a little more firmly.

“Good. Alright, so we'll find a way. Okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Mark leaned in more and gave Seb a hug which he weakly returned.

“I'm just really tired now Liebling,” Sebastian admitted.

“We haven't had any lunch.”

“I'm not hungry.”

“It might help.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I need to lie down.”

“Okay,” accepted Mark knowing there was no point pushing when Seb was like this.

Seb tiredly reached to try to push his shoes off onto the floor, so Mark ended up helping him, before pulling Sebastian to lie with him on the bed. Seb rested his head on Mark's chest and took what comfort he could from being securely held in his arms. He felt exhausted and trampled on. His head was still all over the place and despite Mark's fighting talk Sebastian wasn't at all sure that simply not giving up was going to work if the adoption agency went against them. Rachel was nice, but she was right to prioritise a child. Heikki was still out there.

He didn't want to think about that though so Seb reverted back to shutting him out, shutting everything out and that combined with having had to power on through with the second part of their meeting despite his earlier panic attack meant that within a surprisingly few minutes he fell asleep.

  
  


Mark kept hold of him, hardly knowing how Seb did that. Sleep was a refuge though, he understood that. Mark pushed out a long breath and wished he could shut down in the same way, but his mind was too busy, trying to think what they could do to rectify this. If only he had thought about what his damn words meant in that interview. He'd argued with the social worker too and that probably wouldn't help. Bloody woman upsetting Seb like this. If only she knew how much Mark had held back from saying what he really thought of her. It was a good job she'd been gone when they had returned to Rachel's office. Mark knew he had to talk to Rachel. She was a decent sort and he was sure she genuinely wanted to help them. If there was a way, surely she would work with them to resolve this?

  
  


Mark didn't know how long they lay there, Seb breathing slowly against him. Mark put his hand gently by his head and stroked his hair again, as much soothing himself as Seb. That awful woman had pushed him into having a panic attack and now Seb was scared what might happen, scared of Heikki for the first time in an age because of what she had said. Mark had no idea how anyone could be so heartless. If he ever saw that social worker again Mark didn't think he would be able to be as polite as he had been today.

Eventually all that tea he had drunk ran through him and Mark had to lift Seb off him so he could go to the loo. As he carefully lowered Seb down onto the bed Mark sat up and looked at him. Sebastian snuffled slightly into the pillow so Mark leaned in slightly in case moving him had woken Seb up.

“Sweetheart?”

Mark kept his voice low and Sebastian didn't react, so he knew he had to still be asleep.

“I'll just be a minute.”

  
  


When he came back from the bathroom he paused in the doorway at the sight of Seb now curled into a tight ball on his side. Mark leaned into the doorframe and sighed before going over to carefully sit on the bed beside him. Mark had been sure Seb was asleep and he seemed just as asleep now, his eyes closed and his chest moving rhythmically in and out, but he must have been unsettled to have moved. Seb looked so small like this, so defensive. Mark hoped he wasn't scared, even in his sleep. He hated that Heikki was now back in Sebastian's mind when they had worked so hard to rid themselves of him.

Mark sat there for a while watching Sebastian sleep, then he leaned in and kissed his temple. Seb didn't stir so Mark whispered to him, not knowing if Seb heard him or not.

“I'm just gonna make a call. I won't be long sweetheart.”

There was no response so Mark got up carefully so as not to disturb him, then went downstairs.

  
  


Mark found his phone and went to sit at the kitchen table with the dogs at his feet. He looked at the phone for a few moments, then realised he needed to find the number he required, so he walked quickly to his study to dig out the letter with the number typed at the top. Mark put it into his phone and went back to the kitchen, oddly feeling better to have the company of the dogs. He pressed dial, wondering if the call would be picked up and was surprised when it was almost immediately.

“Hello, Rachel Groves.”

“Um, hi. This is Mark Vettel-Webber.”

“Oh. Hi Mark.”

“I hope it's okay that I'm calling you.”

“Of course it is. Is everything alright?”

 

Mark almost laughed bleakly that things could hardly be further from being alright, but he didn't want to betray Seb by telling her how distressed he really was. It was bad enough he was making this call without discussing it first, but Mark couldn't stop himself. He needed to take some kind of action to stop himself feeling so helpless.

“Look Rachel what can we do to help this? You have to know we'll do whatever it takes.”

Rachel let out a little sigh. She wished there was some magic wand to be waved.

“Well I'm going to put what you told me together for your file and you said you could get me the information from your legal team.”

Mark could have pointed out that it was Seb's legal team, but that wasn't important.

“Yeah we'll do that.”

“I've been trying to think,” related Rachel, “and I think the thing is we need to be able to prove that Seb's former stalker no longer poses a threat, so the information on him is a help, but it needs to be sustained.”

“You mean over more time?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. So, well what if we got them to look again, the legal people, then they could have a confirming report that nothing's changed?” proposed Mark.

“That's an idea, yes, if you could do that, then... well I don't know, perhaps over a longer period of time?”

“So we just have to wait it out?”

“I don't know Mark. I'm going to have to make some enquiries, see how we stand.”

“Okay.”

Mark had really been hoping for more, but he couldn't expect Rachel to work miracles.

“Is Seb there?” enquired Rachel.

“He's upstairs.”

Rachel could tell that there was something unsaid there.

“I hope he's okay. I'm really sorry about earlier.”

Mark rubbed at his face with his spare hand thinking about just how upset he knew Seb was and who he at least in part blamed for that. He couldn't stop himself from saying what was on his mind. Fuck it. Mark didn't think he could contain himself if he had to sit in a room with that other woman again.

“I want that social worker off our case. I mean that literally. The way she spoke to Seb was completely unacceptable. There have to be rules about that surely?”

“Yeah,” agreed Rachel vaguely, noting the way Mark made it about Seb and not him, but she understood why he was angry. “I'll have to see what I can do about that. I'm not sure it's my call but...”

 

Rachel paused, tempted to suggest Mark could make a complaint, but they had enough on their plate. It was going to have to be her. It might not win her any friends with the inter-agency relations, but Mark was right, she didn't think they were going to able to work together going forwards with their original assignment.

“I'll do what I can,” she promised.

“Thank you.”

“Of course. Right, well if I have anything I'll be in touch.”

“We'll get that report for you.”

“Thank you.”

“I'd better go.”

“Sure. Okay well...” Rachel wanted to say hang in there, or something positive to keep them going, but there really was nothing to be said. “Bye then,” she left off lamely.

“Bye.”

Mark hung up and dumped the phone down at the table before reaching down to give the dogs by his feet a rub. When Seb woke up perhaps he might be up to taking a short walk out with them to get some air? It might help him feel a bit better, though Mark suspected not much would do that right now. He'd have to talk to him about this phone-call as well. Mark hoped Seb wouldn't be too upset about him doing it. He'd already caused him enough problems. Mark looked at the kitchen cupboards and thought about all the little safety catches they'd fitted in hope and expectation of tiny fingers needing protection. He swallowed hard and blinked away the tears in his eyes then forced himself to stand so he could go back to Seb upstairs. Even if he was asleep he needed him right now, they needed each other.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there's a cheery chapter for a sunny Saturday evening...


	150. On Hold

* * *

 

 

 

It was one of their rare weekends off at home together, something they had been looking forward to, but the meeting on Friday morning had thrown things further off course than Seb's accident the previous weekend at Silverstone. Mark could hardly get anything out of Seb all through the Friday afternoon. He couldn't get anything into him either seeing Sebastian had reverted to his bad habit of refusing to eat when he was upset. The most Mark could manage was persuading him to go for a short walk with the dogs in the early evening. They took them up the hill to sit on the bench, silently looking out into the distance. Mark was grateful at least that Seb wasn't pushing him away. It felt better just to sit peacefully in the early evening light, Seb pressed into his side, Mark's arm around him, staring out at the slowly fading skyline until they decided to head home.

Somehow the dogs seemed to sense their mood. They didn't fuss for sticks to be thrown or rush around them. Instead they sedately walked alongside Mark and Sebastian, requiring no leads to keep them in check. Mark made one more vain attempt to offer Sebastian some food when they got in, then abandoned that in favour of pretending to watch a comforting film on TV. Mark had told him about his call to Rachel, but it didn't seem to change anything other than to suggest they weren't giving up. Sebastian couldn't help feeling defeated. He couldn't shake it no matter how much Mark tried to encourage him, so Seb settled for sticking close to Mark, taking more consolation from the contact he provided than any words he could offer.

 

In the end Mark realised neither of them were getting much from the film that was playing out in front of them. He looked at his watch and gave Seb's arm a little rub.

“Do you want to go up sweetheart?”

Sebastian lifted his head, realising he had been drifting there.

“Hmm?”

“Shall we go to bed?” Mark repeated.

“Oh. Yeah okay Liebling.”

Mark raised his hand and gently stroked a knuckle over Seb's cheek thinking how tired he seemed despite taking a long nap in the afternoon. Seb was refusing to accept Mark blaming himself for speaking out of turn to the psychiatrist and any discussion on the matter only led to Sebastian going over and over how it was his own past that was to blame, so Mark left it. He looked into Seb's eyes trying to read them, but all he could see right now was tiredness so Mark gave him the smallest of almost-smiles to give a little solace, then indicated over to the door with his head.

“Come on then, let's go up.”

  
  


They settled into bed together, Seb resting into Mark. He placed his head by Mark's shoulder and hung on to him. Mark stroked a hand over Sebastian's arm.

“I do love you sweetheart.”

Sebastian tipped his head up to look at him.

“I love you too,” he assured.

Mark could still see him in the faint light that filtered through their curtains seeing as it wasn't yet fully dark outside. He wanted to say everything was going to be alright, but Mark didn't know how, and platitudes really weren't helping. All Mark could do was keep hold of him.

  
  


  
  


At some point in the night that neither of them noticed in their sleep, they somehow let go of one another. Sebastian was unsettled and couldn't lie still. He shifted off Mark and turned on his pillow, one way then the other. Seb pulled his knees up to the side, curling into them and crossing his arms in front of his chest, tucking his chin down low. He stayed that way for a while, then shifted unhappily, turning to the other side and resuming the same position now facing Mark who lay asleep beside him. He was still for a while, then Sebastian's breathing became uneven and he began to make disturbed noises that slowly roused Mark from his sleep.

“No,” mumbled Sebastian, his eyes closed, but the lashes flickering.

His hands balled into fists where they crossed his chest and as Mark pushed up to look at him he could see, even in the near complete darkness, that Seb was distressed. His body was tightly pulled in on itself, the posture tensed, as if he was trying to protect himself in his sleep.

Mark put a careful hand on Seb's shoulder.

“Sweetheart.”

Mark's voice was low and laced with sleep, but Seb didn't hear it. Instead he felt the hand on him and flinched away, only pulling in tighter against himself.

“No. _Please_.”

Sebastian's voice had gone up in pitch and though the words were little more than whispers Mark knew something was very wrong.

“Sweetheart wake up, you're having a nightmare.”

He gave Sebastian's arm a little shake to try to rouse him, but that was a mistake as Seb seemed to panic at the touch and unclasped his arms to confusedly try to push Mark away. Sebastian's eyes were flickering rapidly but they still didn't open. He was already taking sharper breaths and Mark leaned over him, his voice louder now.

“Seb wake up.”

The noises Sebastian was making grew ever more distressed, then he started shoving at Mark who tried to lift away.

“Hey, hey calm down. _Seb_.”

Sebastian's eyes were still closed and he seemed trapped in his nightmare, unable to break free. Mark was worried that he might hurt himself and so he did something that if he had been more awake he would never have done. As Seb lashed out in confusion, Mark caught hold of Sebastian's wrists to still him.

It was only for a second, but the moment Mark did so Sebastian's eyes popped open and he let out an anguished cry. Mark instantly let go of him, feeling sick at what he suddenly realised that meant. He reached for the bedside light to switch it on, then looked to Seb who was lying back, gasping for air, his eyes wide and panicked.

 

“Shit, Seb I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” apologised Mark leaning towards him, but taking care not to get too close now. “Sweetheart it's me. It's alright, you were having a nightmare.”

Sebastian was taking sharp breaths in and they were getting faster. Mark didn't know what was worse: crowding Seb when he was upset and confused, or letting him potentially fall into another panic attack. He leaned partially over him, trying to see if there was recognition in Seb's eyes.

“Seb you're home, you're safe. It's okay. You were having a nightmare darling.”

Seb finally locked onto Mark's eyes above him. He tried to speak but his breathing was too fast and his body could do nothing but lie on the bed, his chest struggling to keep up with his lungs' attempts to claw in oxygen. Mark thought he could see something in Seb's eyes so he took a risk and slipped his hands under and lifted Sebastian to sit with him, pulling him against his body. For a moment Mark wondered if he might have only made things worse as Sebastian continued to breath erratically, but then Seb dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder and began to slow as he leaned into him.

 

Mark sighed and gently smoothed his hands over Seb's arms and back.

“It's alright, it's alright darling. It was just a nightmare.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and succeeded in moving weighed down arms to fit them around Mark's middle to hang on to him. He let out a long sigh feeling suddenly exhausted, but he didn't want to fall asleep again, so Sebastian concentrated on breathing in the smell of Mark to take comfort from its familiarity. Mark left it a while before eventually sitting away a fraction to look at him. He put his hand at the side of Seb's face and stroked his cheek with his thumb before speaking.

“Are you okay?”

Sebastian gave a little nod, though he felt horrible.

“You were having a nightmare,” repeated Mark.

Seb closed his eyes for a second, then nodded slightly again. He almost wanted to cry, but Seb knew that would only make him feel worse. Instead he took several slow calming breaths to steady himself while he focussed on reminding himself where he was and who he was with. Mark's arms were still around him, one hand gently stroking over his skin and Sebastian found himself breathing slowly in time with the motion as he leaned into him, comforted by it just as Mark intended. Seb looked back at him and gave a little nod. It was just a nightmare. It wasn't real. This was real: Mark, home, safe.

“Yeah.”

Mark sighed, not needing telling what it was about.

“I'm so sorry darling. I shouldn't have done that.”

“Done what?” asked Seb.

Mark frowned, realising he was still very confused.

“I sort of grabbed hold of you. I wasn't thinking. You were freaking out and I just... I don't know, sorry.”

Seb stared back at Mark, connections joining in his still sleepy mind.

“I thought it was him,” he admitted quietly.

“Yeah. Ah hell. I'm so sorry. It was stupid of me,” apologised Mark.

Sebastian let out a shaky breath and Mark sighed.

“I'm sorry sweetheart.”

Seb shook his head.

“It's okay,” he allowed.

“It's not.”

Sebastian looked at him, seeing how guilty Mark looked.

“It is. It wasn't you. I was having a nightmare. I was back there,” he explained.

“Back where?”

“I don't know. Switzerland maybe, a hotel room somewhere, I'm not sure. It was dark.”

“Right.”

Mark knew what that meant.

“I was asleep in my bed, but I knew locking the door didn't help,” recounted Seb.

“Yeah,” sighed Mark. “Ah sweetheart.”

 

He didn't know how long it was since Sebastian had these things in his mind. His own bed asleep not being a safe place. He should have realised straight away when he saw Seb's body-language; trying to shield himself with his own body even when Seb knew it was hopeless. No wonder he had panicked at the touch of a hand. It turned Mark's stomach, but even as he blamed himself he wanted to throttle that social worker for stirring things up and putting these fears back in Sebastian's head.

“I'm really sorry I scared you,” Mark apologised again.

He wanted to be more specific and say that he shouldn't have taken hold of Seb's wrists, but the details were only in danger of upsetting Seb more with all they implied.

“I shouldn't have held onto you darling, I wasn't thinking. I feel awful.”

Sebastian sighed heavily and shook his head.

“It wasn't you I was scared of.”

“No.”

They looked at one another, both knowing who Sebastian had been scared of. Mark could think of nothing to say so he merely stroked up and down one of his arms before leaning in for another hug. Mark held him in, feeling how hard Seb's heart was beating in his chest. He dipped his cheek to press into Sebastian's and spoke softly into his ear.

“You don't need to be scared sweetheart,” reassured. “You're safe. You're home. I'm here.”

 

Sebastian took long slow breaths. Mark was his safety. Nowhere safer than here in their bed together. Why had he thought anything else?

“I wasn't here,” he tried to explain.

Mark moved his head to look at him.

“Yeah.”

He puffed a breath and tried to get a read of Sebastian's eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Okay,” agreed Mark softly. “Do you want anything? Can I do anything?”

Sebastian felt oddly as if he wanted to cry at that. How could he have thought Mark's hands were Heikki's? That was horrible. Poor Mark. It wasn't his fault.

 

Mark looked for the water on the side and released his hold on Seb to pick it up to offer him that, so Sebastian accepted it and took a few sips before handing it back for Mark to replace.

“I'm sorry Liebling, I know I must have given you a fright.”

“It's fine. I was just worried about you.” Mark let out a sigh. “I don't know if it's worse to wake someone having a nightmare.”

Sebastian looked at him anxiously.

“No don't leave me there.”

“Oh hey.”

Seb felt suddenly shaky at the idea that he might be left trapped in that terrible place.

“Don't leave me there, please,” he repeated.

“I won't. It's okay, I won't.”

“Promise me.”

Big blue eyes full of fears gazed up at Mark and all he want to do was reassure him.

“I promise. It's alright.”

“You'll wake me?”

Mark nodded. He didn't much fancy repeating this experience, but the idea of Seb fretting about it, or worse actually having to endure what Mark knew he endured in his nightmares was far worse. He wrapped his arms around Seb once more and Mark could feel how on edge he was.

“If I see you're in trouble I'll wake you, I promise,” vowed Mark.

“Thank you.”

“You don't need to thank me. And if you wake up and you're upset or whatever it is, you wake me too, alright darling?”

“Okay.”

“Good.”

Mark gave him a quick kiss, then leant his forehead into Seb's as if he could absorb away some of the bad things that lurked there. Seb closed his eyes and felt soothed by how close it always made him feel, Mark long nose pressed into his, their breath mixing together.

 

As he lifted away Mark kept his eyes on Sebastian.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Okay, do you want to try to go back to sleep?”

“I guess.”

“We don't have to,” offered Mark.

“No I'm tired,” Seb admitted.

Mark had no idea what time it was other than the middle of the night and he couldn't be bothered looking, so he simply went to switch off the bedside light so they could settle back down to sleep, but Sebastian caught hold of his arm.

“Can we, um, can we keep the light on?” he requested.

Mark looked back at him and Sebastian looked down, feeling pathetic to need that. It wasn't that he was afraid of the dark. In the bad old days he had always turned out the light feeling more as if he could hide then, even if it wasn't true. He'd pretend to be asleep, but it made no difference. The darkness was not the source of his fears. It was the light of an opening doorway that terrified him.

 

“Sure,” agreed Mark calmly, “that's fine.”

Sebastian was still looking down so Mark dipped his head to get into his eye-line.

“It's no problem sweetheart.”

Seb looked back up at him.

“It's just... so I can see it's you. I mean, so I can see you,” he explained.

Mark hid a sigh and nodded.

“I just want to see that you're there,” continued Seb.

“It's fine sweetheart, come on, just lie down with me,” Mark encouraged.

He gently pulled Sebastian to lie down, Seb placing himself so he laid his ear over Mark's heart so he could fill his head with the reassuring sound. He hooked a leg over Mark's to anchor himself in place and as Mark wrapped his arms around him Sebastian started to feel steadier.

“You're not going to have any more bad dreams,” asserted Mark, as if saying that could make it so.

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian.

Both of them understood that they were simply comforting words, but comfort was much needed. Seb lay awake a while, watching and feeling Mark's chest slowly moving in and out. He kept one arm around Mark's middle, holding on to him, sure that if only he had stayed like this before he wouldn't have had the nightmare in the first place.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


The next day they spent much as the one before. Mark offered to talk about things, but Seb didn't want to seeing as he didn't feel there was anything constructive to be said. They took the dogs for a long, if slow, walk in the morning and in the afternoon Mark had been going to suggest they did something more active, perhaps go for a bike ride, but as they finished a lunch where Seb consumed approximately two spoonfuls of soup, the heavens opened and the summer weather broke. Mark puffed a breath thinking how that just about summed things up right now.

He looked at Sebastian's full bowl and decided making a fuss wasn't going to help, even if it worried him that this was yet another missed meal.

“Are you done?”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb. He looked up at Mark. “Sorry, I just...”

He shrugged and shook his head so Mark just nodded and cleared the table. As he poured the soup away down the sink and put the things in the washing up bowl, Mark looked back to Seb.

“Do you want a cup of tea or something?” he asked.

Sebastian didn't want anymore tea with sugar added so he shook his head.

“No I'm okay.”

He looked to the rain falling outside and thought about what might serve as a distraction.

“Do you want to maybe have a swim?” Seb enquired.

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

He wondered how Sebastian would find the energy for it, but activity was better than moping, so Mark thought they might as well.

“I'll just sort this out.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We'd better leave it a bit anyway.”

 

Mark nearly commented that Seb hadn't eaten enough to require it settling before he swam, but he didn't want to criticise. Sebastian always said he found swimming soothing, so it had to be a good thing.

“I'll help,” offered Seb.

“It's okay there's not much.”

“No I want to.”

They looked at one another for a moment then Mark just nodded, not wanting to argue over nothing. As they finished drying up and putting things away Mark stared out of the window at the unseasonal weather for a moment, then turned to Sebastian.

“Sweetheart.”

“Hm?”

Mark paused, still wondering if it might not be better to leave it, but he knew he was brooding, so it was better said.

“I was just thinking... I don't know, I was wondering whether you might want to consider getting in touch with Henry.”

“Henry?”

“Just to talk. I don't know, it was just an idea.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh and leaned against the counter as he looked back at Mark.

“You think I need to?”

“No sweetheart, I just...” Mark shrugged helplessly. “I wondered if it might help.”

Sebastian looked down and Mark could see the beginnings of a pout.

“I'm sorry darling, I just don't like seeing you upset.”

Seb looked back at him.

“Of course I'm upset.”

“I know. I'm upset too.”

Sebastian pouted properly now.

“But I'm the one who needs help?”

“ _Seb_.”

Sebastian knew he was being unfair, but he still pouted at Mark.

“The whole point is that we're meant to have moved on,” he argued.

“I know that, but last night...”

Sebastian looked down again, only pouting more, so Mark moved in close to him, ducking into his line of sight.

“It's totally understandable sweetheart, of course it is. Yesterday stirred up horrible things. It's not surprising that you reacted.”

Seb sighed and looked up at him properly.

“I'm sorry.”

“It's alright.”

“I know kind of freaked out.”

“Well that was my fault. I'm so sorry darling, I was half-asleep, I just wasn't thinking.”

Seb shook his head.

“It wasn't your fault. I was having a nightmare. It wasn't because of you.” Sebastian sighed as he looked at him. “It's not like this hasn't happened before.”

“No I suppose not,” agreed Mark.

“I just feel a bit. I don't know, shaken up by it all, yesterday and last night,” Seb admitted.

“Darling I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset. I'm just... I don't know, I'm only trying think what might help.”

Seb nodded heavily.

“I know. I'm sorry Liebling. I'm sorry for sounding ungrateful. It's just I don't want to go back there. It would feel like we'd gone back in time.”

“And that's the last thing we want,” noted Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Mark took a hold of Seb's hand and gave it a squeeze. Seb felt a little better for the contact, knowing how forbearing Mark was being as ever.

“I suppose we ought to talk to our families,” Seb offered.

Mark considered that a pretty brave suggestion given how things were, but he knew Seb was right.

“Yeah. Do you want to do that now?”

“Not really. Maybe after we have a swim.”

“Sure. Okay then, shall we go through?”

“Yep.”

  
  


They went through to the changing room where their swimming things were kept, but to do so they had to go via the linking door with its fresh lock, specifically added only days ago to meet the adoption agencies requirements. Neither of them remarked apon it, but as they went through to the pool Mark saw Sebastian looking at the new cover rolled up at one end. It had only been finished two days ago and now it was impossible to think it might not all be a waste.

Seb sat down at the edge of the pool, his feet dangling in the water as he continued to gaze sadly at the pool cover at the shallow end. All their work. They'd tried so hard to do everything they could to make it happen and now their dream of a family could be snatched away through no fault of their own. He felt like crying. His chin dropped as Sebastian tried very hard not to let loose more tears, then he felt an arm around him as he realised that Mark had sat down beside him.

“It isn't fair,” complained Seb.

“I know. I'm sorry.”

Sebastian sighed.

“It's not your fault.”

“It feels like it is.”

Sebastian turned his head to look at him.

“Well it's not. It's _his_ fault.”

Mark nodded, needing no clarification on who Seb was referring to.

“Yeah.”

Seb dropped his head sideways onto Mark's shoulder and let out another long sigh.

“Do you think if we get Rachel that report it'll help?”

“It can't hurt.”

“Okay.” Sebastian took in a deep breath. “I'm meant to be going in to work on Monday, so I guess I can see about those reports.”

 

Mark was almost surprised at Seb volunteering to take decisive action, but he supposed he was in danger of underestimating him. Despite their latest setback Sebastian wasn't the helpless person he had once been. He tipped his head around and gave him a little smile.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“Nothing darling, just you constantly impress me.”

“Impress you?”

“Yeah. How you keep going, no matter what.”

Sebastian gave a slight shrug.

“I don't have any choice.”

Mark gave a tiny shake of his head.

“You do have a choice. You could give up and give in.”

“I can't do that. This is too important.”

“Exactly, and that's what's so impressive. I shouldn't be surprised. Half your car ripped up and you still won the world championship.”

 

Sebastian sighed and only leaned further into him.

“It was all I had then. Winning. It was the only good thing in my life. It isn't now.”

Seb lifted up a little to look at Mark.

“If I could trade winning last weekend, god, all my wins, all my championships. I'd trade them for us getting approved to adopt.”

Mark sighed and nodded.

“Me too. Well not championships seeing I don't have them, but wins, my Le Mans wins. I reckon they'd be worth something, but I don't think you can barter with life.”

“No.” Seb's body seemed to sag. “My whole body feels so heavy Liebling. It's like it's made of lead. I feel like I'm going to sink in this water.”

“We don't really have to swim.”

“That's not what I mean. I mean all the time. Just lifting my toothbrush to clean my teeth this morning and I felt like I needed a crane for my arm.”

Mark nodded. In other circumstances it might be a funny image, but it wasn't right now.

“It doesn't help you've not eaten,” he pointed out.

Sebastian shook his head.

“I just can't. I feel so sick when I have an attack and it doesn't go away.”

Mark nodded sadly.

“And the thing is Liebling, afterwards I can't help worrying that it'll happen again and I don't want to throw up. I don't like it.”

 

Mark could have commented that surely nobody did, but that was hardly the point. He picked up Seb's hand nearest to him and stroked a thumb over the back of it.

“You had an attack because you had a shock. That shouldn't happen again should it?”

“I'm not sure if I didn't have one last night too,” admitted Seb. “It almost felt like it.”

“Mm.” Mark sighed and gave Seb's arm a rub. “I wish there was something I could do.”

“You're doing it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I'm sorry I get like this.”

“No sweetheart, you've every reason. I don't know what to suggest. We just have to hold on.”

Seb nodded, then turned his wrist so the inside faced upwards and they both looked at the tattoo.

“Just keep swimming,” said Mark on cue.

“Yeah. Shall we then?”

“If you want to. I mean you're okay to aren't you?”

“I'll take it easy,” promised Sebastian.

“Okay,” Mark nodded.

He removed his arm from around Seb and they both slipped into the warm water. It felt nice at least and Mark hoped that a gentle bit of exercise might help Seb build up some appetite.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A couple of hours later they sat in the lounge going through the all too familiar ordeal of having to call Seb's family to inform them something bad had happened. His parents sympathised though of course Seb couldn't really explain why he had got so upset at talking about it. Then again, their reaction was so vehement at the unfairness of an outside person so disastrously having the potential to wreck their chances to adopt, that Seb couldn't help thinking again how if they knew the truth, his parents would be beyond horrified. His mother sighed again over the phone.

“Well I just don't understand why they can use this against you,” she complained.

Sebastian looked to Mark thinking they had been over this already.

“It's not like that really Mum, it's about where they can place a child.”

“But you'd never let anything happen to it.”

“No of course not.”

Sebastian fell silent, oddly struck by his mother describing their child as 'it'. He and Mark usually said 'he' or 'they'. 'It' seemed impersonal and objective. For all that Sebastian feared that they were in danger of losing the opportunity to be parents, his mind still refused to let go of thinking of 'their' child, even if that prospect was further off than ever.

“Of course we wouldn't,” echoed Mark, “but I'm afraid we're dealing with a bureaucracy where something like this looks very bad in abstract, even if we're sure nothing is going to reoccur.”

“So you're going to drop the restraining order,” noted Norbert.

“Yeah.”

“Okay and you're confident that's the right thing to do?”

“We have to Dad,” pointed out Seb. “Otherwise they won't believe us about him not coming back and us being able to offer a safe home to a child.”

“Hm.”

“He really wouldn't come back would he Seb?” piped up Fabian.

“No of course not,” replied Mark.

“We don't think so,” added Sebastian a fraction less assertively.

“No, well I'm sure you're right,” agreed Norbert, trying to sound confident for the sake of both his sons.

“I just wish they'd lock that terrible man up and throw away the key,” stated Seb's mother.

“Can't disagree with you there,” concurred Mark.

“Thing is, that'd just make things look worse,” admitted Seb. “We just need things to stay quiet so we can prove everything's okay.”

“Mm, well I suppose so,” agreed Heike. “So you're going to get a report thingy?”

“Yeah, we had one done and I'm going to see about getting another to try to reassure them.”

“Well that sounds sensible,” offered his father.

“And then what?” asked Fabian.

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“We don't know. We'll have to see what the agency says.”

“You just have to wait then?”

“Yeah.”

“Could you not...?” Heike paused.

“What?”

“Well, couldn't he be persuaded to promise that he won't do anything?”

 

Sebastian stared at the phone in front of him. His mother had no concept of what she was suggesting here. The suggestion was so crazy it would have made him laugh if it didn't horrify him so much. They really had no idea. Contact Heike and ask him to say he'd behave? That would only give him ideas.

“No I don't think that would work,” dismissed Mark.

“Hardly the reasonable type,” Norbert agreed.

“No.”

Seb had gone quiet, his mind stuck on the terrible idea of Heikki being contacted and learning about what they were trying to do. Mark gave his hand a squeeze, guessing the remark had upset him.

“We're just going to do what the agency ask of us and stick it out, hope for the best,” he assured, both to Seb's family and Seb himself sat beside him on the sofa.

“Well I suppose that's all you can do,” sighed Heike.

“Is there anything we can do?” asked Fabian.

Sebastian hated giving his family concerns, especially his little brother, so he tried to sound more positive.

“No it's okay.”

“I'm sure it'll all be alright in the end,” assured his mother.

“Mm.”

“And you're still racing next weekend?”

Seb almost laughed at his mother asking that as though it was optional. You couldn't just ring the team and say you didn't feel like it right now, not if you wanted to race for them again in future.

“Yeah. I'm in Hungary, Mark's at the Nurburgring.”

“That's bad timing.”

“Mm.”

“Can't be helped,” commented Mark evenly.

“No I suppose not,” agreed Heike. “Well we'll be with you the week after won't we?”

“Yeah, that'll be good,” offered Seb.

“Oh well, until then I suppose you've just got to hang in there,” observed Norbert.

“Mm.”

Norbert looked to his wife, both of them thinking that there son sounded very down.

“Perhaps we should try to come out there?” he proposed.

“Out where?”

“Hungary.”

“Oh.”

 

Seb paused, part of him liked the idea of his family coming along to support him again, but another part of him didn't know how he would manage pretending to be okay for them and having to look after them at a race when Mark wasn't there to help.

“No it's okay. It's really kind of you, but I just need to get my head down and work.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I think maybe it'll be good to take my mind off things,” asserted Sebastian.

“Well if you say so. I suppose as your mother says, we'll see you soon enough.”

“Yeah.”

“We're really looking forward to it,” added Fabian.

“Me too,” Seb assured.

“Okay well until then I guess you'll just have to get on with things,” asserted Norbert.

“Yeah.”

“You'll let us know if there's anything we can do?” asked Heike.

“Sure,” Seb agreed, thinking that there wasn't likely to be.

“Thanks,” added Mark.

“Okay, well we'll let you go,” completed Norbert, thinking little good came of labouring the conversation if there wasn't much they could do about the problem.

 

They said their goodbyes and Mark hung up. Sebastian leaned more into him.

“Alright?” Mark checked.

“Yeah I guess.”

Which meant no, Mark knew.

“Your parents mean well.”

“I know they do. It's just... I don't know, the very idea of getting in touch with him.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian swallowed and Mark put an arm around him.

“She doesn't know what he's really like.”

“I know sweetheart.”

“It'd just encourage him. If he had any notion what we were doing, I know he'd love the chance to ruin things for us.”

“You've just got to put him out of your mind,” sighed Mark.

“I know, but I can't.”

“ _Seb_.”

Sebastian put his hands at his head.

“I know, I know. He's in there again and I shouldn't let him, but it's all I can think about right now.”

 

He sank forwards and all Mark could do was keep his arm around him. They were quiet for a moment until Sebastian sat back up and looked to Mark, trying to reason with himself.

“Maybe it'll be better, to be back at work? Fill my head with something else,” he suggested.

“Yeah,” Mark agreed, hoping that Seb would be able to concentrate on his racing and not be distracted. “I'm sure it will help.”

“Mm.”

“I wish I could come with you next weekend,” Mark admitted.

“Me too.”

Mark paused.

“Maybe I should?”

Seb looked at him.

“Mark. I wasn't serious. You've got a race.”

“I know, but...”

“No Liebling you have a race. You can't just skip it to hang around waiting on me.”

“Hm.”

Sebastian sat up straighter.

“You just won Le Mans. You're leading the championship.”

“I suppose.”

“I'll be fine. I'll just get my head down and work like I said, then as soon as possible we'll both be home again. Then it's just one more race until the break.”

Mark puffed a breath and nodded.

“Yeah. A holiday will do us good.”

“If we can just get legal to sort these reports for us and we could speak to Rachel I'd feel better,” asserted Sebastian. “Just to have some idea how we stand.”

“Mm, okay, well you're alright to speak to them on Monday?”

“I'll speak to Christian first.”

“You're going to tell him?”

“I think I should. We are sort of using a work resource after all.”

“Hmm, I suppose. Yeah okay well we know he won't tell anyone.”

“Exactly.”

“Alright well that's a plan then.”

 

Mark looked out of the window to see that the rain seemed to have tapered off.

“Do you feel up to taking the dogs out while it's not raining?”

“Yeah okay.”

“We can call my lot this evening after dinner.”

“Sure.”

Mark wanted to ask Seb if there was any chance he would actually eat a significant amount of it this time, but it did no good. He'd just have to put a plate in front of him and hope for the best.

  
  


They tramped through the damp fields, boots getting muddy and jeans soaking up the water from the long grass as they brushed against it. The dogs ran on ahead, seeming happy to be out after being stuck inside, but Mark and Sebastian's pace remained slow. Seb hung onto Mark's arm as they walked, his limbs still feeling heavy. They didn't go far, but Mark rationalised that the dogs covered at least twice the distance they did by running back and forth on the path around them. When they returned home they had to change out of their wet jeans, and Seb felt tired as he had to sit on the bed to peel them off. The fresh air had been nice even if it wasn't sunny, but the effort was hitting him now, even though he had assured Mark he wanted to go.

Sebastian offered to help make dinner but when they sat down to eat he mostly seemed to push the food around his plate. Mark said nothing and merely tried to set a good example by eating his own meal, but Sebastian simply couldn't seem to do it. He saw Mark appraising his almost full plate and filled a fork, lifting it to his mouth and forcing it in, but as Seb chewed it was an effort to swallow the food. He took a drink of water to wash it down and felt it all swilling around his empty stomach. Unfortunately this only made him feel worse and Seb started to think he was going to get sick. He knew it was probably psychosomatic, but he couldn't help it.

Mark bit his tongue and finished off his own food. They sat for another minute while Sebastian continued to push his fork around. He was contemplating trying another mouthful, but even the idea turned his stomach and he couldn't do it. Seb put his fork down and closed his eyes, only opening them as he felt Mark's hand cover his. He looked back at Mark apologetically.

“I'm sorry Liebling.”

“Do you want anything else?” Mark tried.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Okay,” conceded Mark.

He cleared away while Seb sipped his water and gave the dogs a stroke as they pushed in. Mark dumped the plates into the sink and couldn't be bothered washing them, so he decided they could have a soak and he'd do them in the morning. It hardly mattered.

  
  


 

They went through to sit in the lounge and found something harmless to watch on TV, Mark wondering what would be a reasonable hour to call his parents given the time difference. After a while Sebastian sat up from leaning into his side.

“I just need to nip to the loo,” he explained.

Mark nodded and removed his arm from around him so Sebastian could stand up. As he did so however, Seb felt the whole room swim around him. Bright lights danced in front of his eyes and he felt himself sway, then sat down suddenly as his legs gave out.

“Shit, _Seb_.”

Sebastian leaned forwards, breathing heavily, hardly noticing Mark's arm go around him or the hand that had grabbed him as he sat. Mark was leaning in to see Seb had closed his eyes.

“Fuck. Are you alright? Seb?” worried Mark.

Seb had to take several more deep breaths before he could answer. He'd felt that horribly familiar heat rush though his skin and though it was ebbing away now, he was left feeling as though his body wasn't really his own. He slowly lifted his head to look at Mark.

“I just... I just feel a bit light-headed,” he confessed in a distant voice.

Mark could see how pale he had gone.

“Jesus, just sit back, okay?” he instructed, putting his hands on Seb to guide him to lean back on the sofa.

Sebastian let himself be moved and sat still, breathing heavily while his body tried to re-regulate itself. Mark kept hold of him, wanting to close own eyes to recover from the scare himself, but he watched over Seb wanting to check how he was doing. As Seb seemed to settle Mark let out a long sigh.

“Are you okay?”

Seb gave a little nod back, though he didn't really feel great at all. Mark gave his arm a rub and left it a few moments before letting go of him and sitting forwards a slightly. Mark reached for a glass of water on the coffee table and offered it to him. Seb sat up and took it, but neither of them could ignore the fact that his hand was trembling. Mark wrapped his hand around Seb's and helped him take a drink before replacing it on the table in front of them. Seb closed his eyes for another moment and then reopened them to see Mark looking at him seriously.

 

“This has to stop,” demanded Mark.

Seb wanted to pout that it wasn't his fault, but he knew how worried Mark was.

“What if that had been when you were half-way up the stairs?” Mark pressed.

Sebastian did pout this time, but Mark shook his head in despair.

“You have to eat something.”

“I can't.”

“Yes you bloody well can. You have to. Christ Seb, you just nearly keeled over for godsake. You could have hurt yourself. What if I wasn't here? What if you were in the kitchen or the bathroom? They've got a tiled floor. You could hit your head.”

Seb face tensed at his angry tone and Mark tried to calm his voice, though he didn't feel calm at all.

“Sweetheart you've barely touched anything since yesterday morning. You can't run on empty forever.”

“I feel horrible.”

Mark sighed and rubbed at his face.

“I know darling, but please, for me, just try something, anything. You can't starve yourself like this.”

“It makes me feel ill.”

“You're making yourself ill.”

Sebastian pouted even more.

“I'm not doing it on purpose.”

Mark sighed in frustration.

“I know that.” He reached for Seb's hand and looked at him. “I know darling, but you have to eat something.”

Sebastian let out a long breath, feeling as though he might cry.

“I've been trying.”

 

Mark nodded and Seb felt bad for how worried he looked.

“I'm sorry Mark. It's just I feel so churned up.”

“I know,” sighed Mark. “You've got a race coming up though. You can't go on like this.”

Seb looked back at him and Mark tried to think what to suggest.

“Could you just try some dry toast or pasta maybe?”

Sebastian shrugged, a part of him knowing he was being stubborn and childish about this when Mark was worried. He was right. What if he fainted and hit his head? Sebastian had a horrible image of that happening and Mark coming in to find him lying on the kitchen floor unconscious. He knew that was the same frightening image Mark had in his own mind and Sebastian understood how such a thing would terrify him. It wasn't fair on Mark.

“Okay Liebling. I'm sorry. I'll try,” he offered.

“What will you have?”

“I don't know. Toast?”

“Right. Toast then, and tea?”

“Okay.”

Mark paused before letting go of him, then shifted forwards while encouraging Seb to sit back against the sofa.

“Don't try to get up, okay?” he instructed.

 

Sebastian nodded obediently and Mark looked to the dogs sat on the floor and pointed to the sofa where he had been sat. The animals quickly jumped up into his warm spot and leaned into Seb who put his hand to rest comfortingly into Shadow's fur. Seb didn't like being told what to do, but he knew Mark was anxious about what might happen the moment he let him out of his sight. Mark gave the dogs a look and Sebastian knew full well he was telling them to watch over him.

“I'm okay,” he offered quietly to reassure him.

Mark could have said that Sebastian looked anything but. That wouldn't help though, so instead he just nodded.

“I won't be a minute.”

 

Sebastian rested his head sideways against the back of the sofa and distractedly stroked the dogs' fur as they leaned into him. He felt weak and pathetic and annoyed, though Seb hardly knew whether it was with Mark, himself, or their situation. As promised, Mark returned as quickly as he could with a plate of dry wholemeal toast and a mug of tea. He set it on the coffee table and shooed the dogs off the sofa to take his place back. Sebastian looked at him.

“Thank you.”

“Can you sit up?” checked Mark.

Seb wanted to argue that he wasn't that bad, but the truth was he still felt awful. He lifted up from the back of the sofa and shuffled forwards slightly. Mark placed the plate onto his knee and held the mug, waiting for Seb to take it. Sebastian took a bite of toast and made no complaint that it tasted like cardboard. Mark continued to patiently hold them mug until Sebastian was ready for it. He knew that watching Seb force himself to eat might not be the most helpful thing, but Mark didn't think he could do anything else. Seb lifted the mug and managed not to let it shake this time. He took a drink and wasn't in the least surprised to taste the sickly sugar stirred in. He hated it, but he knew Mark had no choice. They sat there quietly while Seb made himself swallow every bit of toast and tea, sure that they were going to feel like concrete in his stomach. That was ungrateful though, so Seb made an effort to try to smile at Mark.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Do you feel a bit better?”

“A bit.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark took the plate and mug and ditched them onto the coffee table before turning back to him.

“Right, do you want to go lie down or something?” he enquired.

Sebastian didn't really want to admit that he didn't fancy climbing the stairs.

“I think maybe here.”

“Sure.”

Seb dragged his feet up onto the sofa and curled to lie down, resting his head down into Mark's lap.

“I'm sorry,” Seb repeated quietly.

Mark stroked his hand through Seb's hair.

“It's okay.”

“I didn't mean to scare you.”

“I know darling. It's alright, just have a rest.”

Sebastian closed his eyes just for a moment and concentrated on the feeling of Mark gently running his hand over his hair, soothing a mind that had felt in turmoil since yesterday morning. Mark gradually slowed his hand and felt Seb's breathing steady as he fell asleep. He kept that hand resting on Seb's head and with the other he trailed his fingers along Sebastian's arm where it lay limply onto his knee, feeling the little hairs as he went along. Mark let out a long sigh and lifted his hand to rub at his face before looking to the dogs who were plainly watching them from the floor. Mark simply gave them a little flick of his eyebrows to say he didn't know how they went on like this either. It felt like such a set-back.

  
  


 

He had temporarily forgotten about calling his parents, but a while later as Mark sat there with the television turned down low, he heard his phone ringing in his pocket and managed to fish it out without moving too much, answering it quickly to stop it disturbing Seb.

“Hello Mark,” greeted his father cheerily.

“Um, hey. I was going to call you actually.”

“Oh were you? That's a coincidence. Great minds I suppose.”

“Hello Mark dear,” greeted his mother.

“Hi Mum.”

“I think it's a bad line sweetheart, you're very quiet.”

“Um no.” Mark looked down to be sure Sebastian was still sleeping peacefully. “Seb's asleep that's all.”

“Oh, are you in bed? I didn't think it was that late your end.”

“It's not. We're downstairs.”

“Oh I see. Should we call back another time?”

 

Mark puffed out a quiet breath. Perhaps now wasn't the time and he felt bad talking over Seb whilst he slept, but he could hardly move him and he did seem fast asleep. Mark didn't want to put off talking to his family either.

“No it's alright. Can you hear me? I don't want to wake him.”

“Hang on I think we can turn up the volume,” explained his father.

There followed a few beeps whilst he attempted to sort that out, then his parents were back on speaker.

“Do you want me to call you back?” checked Mark.

“Oh no it's alright, we've got you on one of those friends and family lists.”

“Ah righto.”

“How are you anyway?” enquired Alan.

Mark puffed a silent breath. Where to bloody start?

His parents read the silence immediately.

“Is everything alright?” checked Diane.

Mark sighed, no denying it.

“No not really,” he confessed.

“What's happened?”

 

Mark looked down at Seb and gently stroked over his soft blonde hair, the highlights picked out by the good weather they had been having until now. It didn't feel good to be talking literally behind his back, but there felt no alternative and perhaps it would be better to save him having to go through this again. Mark ran through much the same conversation they had had with Sebastian's family earlier. The only variation being that he did admit a fraction more about how upset Seb had been, though not the details.

“That social worker sounds like a disgrace,” complained his mother. “You're right, there's no way she should be speaking to poor Seb like that. Of course he was upset about that terrible man following him around. Who wouldn't be?”

“Yeah exactly.”

“She's surely got no business sticky-beaking into his past?” point out his father.

“No well, that was what I thought, but I suppose they do have to be sure they're not putting a kid into a dangerous situation.”

“Well you'd hardly let anything happen to them.”

“I know.”

“Oh dear,” sighed Diane. “What a shame.”

“We're not going to give up though,” asserted Mark.

“Of course you're not,” agreed Alan.

“No I didn't mean that,” concurred Diane. “I just meant that you have to go through such trials.”

“We're going to get them those reports and see if that helps.”

“Yes, well hopefully it will.”

“Mm.”

“How's Seb?”

 

Mark paused and his mother looked to her husband shaking her head. They both had some idea of how fragile Sebastian could be and how their son worried about him.

“Mark?” pressed Diane.

“Yeah.”

“You said he was sleeping. Where are you?”

“We're in the lounge.”

“What time is it with you?”

Mark checked his watch.

“Half eight... It's just,” Mark sighed and spoke even more quietly, “he's been pretty upset since.”

“Is he alright?”

“Not great.”

“Oh Mark,” sighed his mother.

 

Mark gently stroked over Seb's hair again, watching him steadily breathing in his sleep. It felt like he was betraying him slightly, but Mark needed to let things out a little.

“Yeah, just... you know how he gets.”

“Has he been off his food?”

“Mm.”

His mother tsked and shook her head.

“Has he eaten anything at all?”

“I just managed to persuade him to have some tea and dry toast, but before that, pretty much nothing since breakfast yesterday.”

“That doesn't sound good.”

“No.” Mark paused again, but in a way he wanted some reassurance for himself from his parents. “He nearly passed out before. Scared the life out of me.”

“Oh sweetheart what happened?”

“He was just running on empty. He stood up off the sofa and nearly went over. He looked terrible.”

“Well I'm not surprised if he hadn't eaten for two days,” commented his father.

Diane huffed at him, but Alan shrugged.

“I'm just saying the body needs fuel. You said he's had something now though?”

“Yeah.”

“Probably why he's fallen asleep,” noted Diane.

“Mm. We probably did too much today. We took the dogs out and went swimming. I was just trying to take our minds off things, but I think it was too much for him.”

“So he's out for the count?” asked Alan.

“Yeah. We should probably go up, but I don't want to disturb him.”

“No well rest is the best thing. Take it easy tomorrow,” advised his mother.

“Yeah. It's just... the idea of him falling and hitting his head.”

Diane sighed.

“It must have given you a horrible fright,” she sympathised.

“Yeah. I mean he only really sat back on the sofa in a hurry, but if he'd been somewhere else, on the stairs or the bathroom.”

“Doesn't bear thinking about,” agreed his mother ruefully.

“No. Anyway, he's okay now, kind of. If we can just have a decent night and a rest tomorrow.”

 

Diane frowned at the reference to 'a decent night', guessing that implied more problems, but she didn't want to pry too much.

“I'm sure it will be,” she soothed.

“You've got more races coming up next week haven't you?” noted Alan.

“Yeah. Always seems to be the way.”

“When do you have to go?”

“We're leaving it as late as possible, so Thursday morning. I suppose we've got a few days.”

“Good, well that's something,” agreed his father.

“You never seem to have an easy time of it,” sighed Diane. “Just after Seb's lovely win as well.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark looked down at Seb once more. His lips were slightly parted as he breathed slowly and he couldn't help thinking how nice a time they'd been having after Seb's victory at Silverstone.

“It's so bloody unfair,” sighed Mark.

“It is,” agreed his mother, in no mood to chide her son for swearing.

“All goes back to the same thing doesn't it?” noted Alan.

“Well that's not fair either,” countered Mark. “It's not Seb's fault.”

“No of course it's not. That's not what I meant. I meant that good for nothing Heikki.”

“Oh. Well yeah.”

“I wish that horrible man would fall off the side of the earth,” remarked Diane.

“Me too,” Mark agreed. “You'd think Finland was far enough, but apparently not according to the adoption agency.”

“Hmm, nothing a visit in the night with a bowie knife wouldn't fix,” noted his father darkly.

“Oh Alan,” chided his wife.

“I'm joking. Mostly.”

Mark huffed a tiny dry laugh, though it wasn't really funny.

“Mm... Anyway we're just going to have to get those reports to try to prove we're okay,” he explained.

“Well I'm sure that will help. They must see how much effort you've been making,” offered his mother.

“I'd hope so. There's not much more we can do.”

“No, well I'd say if there's anything we can do, but I don't suppose there is.”

“Seb's parents said the same,” reported Mark.

“Did they?”

“Yeah we called them earlier. We were waiting for the time difference to call you, but then, well anyway...”

“I'm sure Seb will be okay dear. You always say how he picks himself up again.”

“I just wish he didn't have to Mum.”

“I know darling, it's terribly unfair.”

 

Mark puffed a breath and his parents looked to one another, both wishing they were closer to their son. England was such a long way away.

“Listen son, you're just going to have to keep your chin up and stay positive,” asserted his father attempting to pick Mark up. “This is all going to come good in the end.”

“You think?”

“Yes. Come on now, you can't give in.”

“I'm not.”

“Good. Nearly every time we've talked you lately it's been about this adoption business. Maybe a break wouldn't be the worst thing.”

“ _Dad_.”

“No Mark I'm not saying you stop trying, I'm saying perhaps easing off and giving yourselves a bit of time might be a good thing in the end.”

“How?”

“Well any parent has to wait Mark, nine months at least. I reckon it's God's way of making sure you're prepared. You didn't really think this would happen overnight did you?”

“No I suppose not,” sighed Mark.

“So you have to wait while these adoption people get their reports to satisfy themselves everything is alright. In the meantime you concentrate on your racing and on Seb.”

“Yeah okay,” Mark agreed, knowing that he really had no choice.

“Don't drive yourself mad worrying about it. I know you can be pretty intense about things.”

“Thanks,” commented Mark ironically.

“In a good way mostly, but there's a time to just pull back a fraction too. You'll get there in the end.”

“You think?”

“Yes of course.”

“Of course you will,” chimed Diane. “You and Seb are good people, and you are going to make wonderful parents. Your dad just means you can't rush these things.”

“I suppose.” Mark sighed. “I did know we were going to have to be patient. I guess we're just not so good at that in practise.”

“Well you're racing drivers,” noted Alan. “Par for the course.”

“Yeah.”

“It'll come good, you see.”

“Thanks.”

 

Mark looked down at Seb.

“I think we really ought to go up to bed.”

“Are you going to be alright?” checked his mother.

“Yeah.”

“If there's any kind of karma in this world then that Heikki is going to come to a sticky end,” predicted Alan.

Mark huffed a tiny dry laugh.

“You made that sound like a gypsy curse.”

“Did I? Good. Serve the bastard right.”

Mark smiled despite himself.

“Thanks Dad.”

“Now you hang tough son, you and Seb.”

“Yeah, we will.”

“Okay, well give our love to Seb won't you?”

“I will.”

“We love you too,” added Diane.

“Thanks Mum, love you too.”

“Take care of yourselves.”

“Will do. Bye then.”

“Bye.”

“Bye Mark. Chin up, yes?”

“Yes Dad, bye then.”

 

They hung up and Alan looked to his wife who was sighing and shaking her head.

“That poor boy.”

“Ours or Seb?” asked Alan.

“Both of them. Honestly, they seem to have such a hard time of it.”

“Mm, well as far as I can tell at least ninety percent of it is down to that bastard Heikki.”

“Don't swear Alan.”

Alan shrugged.

“I think it's a good description,” he replied unrepentantly.

“So do I, but anyway...” Diane huffed. “I've never wished anyone dead before.”

Alan looked at her thinking how he had mostly been joking to try to cheer their son up a fraction on the phone, but if Heikki ever came across his wife then the joke would be on him. He currently stood between Diane and a much longed for grandchild. Five minutes alone with his wife and Alan reckoned Heikki wouldn't stand a chance.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow-up part to come.


	151. Excess Baggage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quite a quick update for me, but it helps to post a chapter going into a busy week, so I hope you've time to read it on a Sunday night.
> 
> Pretty much a two-parter matching onto the end of the last bit.

* * *

  
  


 

On the Monday morning Sebastian dragged himself out of bed to go into work, still not feeling in the mood for it. He had forced himself to eat the previous day if only to keep Mark happy, but he still felt depressed. Seb did have to admit his body felt physically better for having some food in it though. Even if it wasn't quite all he ought to be eating, it was approaching full meals. He knew he probably wouldn't be much cop on the sim otherwise. As he walked into reception Seb pulled his (or more accurately, Mark's) hoody closer around him, then flashed one of his usual smiles at the girl on the desk before setting his shoulders back to go up to his boss's office.

  
  


 

 

Back home Mark sat on the phone to his sister. He had spoken to her briefly the day before, though of course his mother had got there first, so the conversation had mostly consisted of her trying to say supportive things to cheer Sebastian and him up, but now Seb was at work Mark took the chance to call her back on his own.

“Well that social worker sounds like a complete cow,” stated Leanne.

“Yeah she is,” agreed Mark darkly. “She was the same when she came round the house.”

“You have a beautiful house.”

“Mm, well anyway, I asked Rachel to see about her being taken off our case. I don't think I can stand to be the same room as her again.”

“No, well let's hope she can sort that out.”

“Mm.”

His sister shook her head, reading his tone.

“What is it you're not telling me?” she queried.

Mark sighed.

“Leanne you know I can't tell you everything.”

“No okay. I don't mean about Heikki. I mean... I don't know, Seb hasn't fainted again has he?”

“No. He didn't quite faint anyway, he just had a dodgy moment.”

“Which scared the crap out of you.”

“Yeah.”

Leanne took a breath.

“There's something else though.”

Mark shook his head. His sister was unnervingly perceptive sometimes. Or perhaps he was just worse at keeping things back from her?

“Alright, well promise me you won't tell Mum and Dad.”

“Mark?”

“No promise me, cos I feel bad enough telling you.”

“But you want to,” intuited Leanne.

“Mm, I guess.”

“Because it's worrying you.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark reluctantly.

“I won't tell them.”

“You promise?”

“Yes. Or Dean, or anyone else before you ask,” Leanne promised, already knowing her brother would find other worries to occupy his already weighed down mind.

“Thank you.”

“I presume this is about Seb?”

“Yes.”

“So?”

 

Mark let out a long sigh.

“He's not sleeping well.”

“Uh huh, well that's understandable if he's upset.”

“Yeah.”

“More than that though?”

Mark paused, but he'd started now and it would help to get it off his chest a bit. He could trust his sister.

“He gets nightmares, really horrible ones sometimes,” Mark confessed.

“And he's been having them since what happened?”

“Yeah. He's not had them in a while.”

“I see.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I shouldn't really be telling you.”

“Of course you should. It's worrying you.”

“I suggested he go back to see Henry. His therapist, but he just got annoyed, well, not annoyed, but he was put out I was suggesting he needed to.”

“When was this?”

“Saturday.”

“When he wasn't eating.”

“Yeah.”

“So he was probably feeling all ratty because of his low-blood sugar.”

“Oh.” Mark stopped. “Hmm, yeah I hadn't thought of that.”

“Well, just a guess, but that's probably why he might not have been too receptive.”

“I didn't mean to imply he had a problem. He's just upset.”

“Of course. But these nightmares. They're bad?”

“Yeah pretty nasty.”

“Has he told what they're about?”

Mark puffed out air.

“He doesn't need to.”

“Because they're based on real things?” guessed Leanne.

“Yeah.”

“Bad stuff?”

“Yeah.”

Leanne took in a deep breath.

“Ah dear. No wonder you're both a bit of a mess.”

 

Mark could have said the comment wasn't helping, but she was right.

“I guess.”

“If you're losing sleep then everything else is thrown out of whack,” noted Leanne. “I'm presuming if Seb's awake, you're awake.”

“When he's awake isn't the problem.”

“No. Well... I don't suppose you can tell me what they're about, but I'm guessing to do with Heikki?”

Mark was silent and his sister had her answer.

“I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry,” apologised Leanne.

“You're not. It's just...”

“It's upsetting for you too?”

“Yeah.”

“How bad?”

“Pretty bad.”

 

Leanne shook her head. Part of her wanted to say that if she had the details she might be able to help more, but perhaps that was her curiosity at work? Her brother sounded so heavy when he hinted at the darkness that lay in Seb's past. Something so upsetting it still preyed on him in his sleep years later. It didn't take a genius to work out that it was more than the stalking that they admitted to. Mark only ever made veiled ominous comments about the character of Seb's tormentor. It added up to enough for her to have some idea at least of the seriousness, if not the exact nature of what had gone on.

 

Mark sighed, knowing he couldn't tell his sister exactly how horrific Seb's nightmares were, or how guilty he still felt about grabbing his wrists that first night. That gave away far too much and Seb would rightly never forgive him. He couldn't say how they'd spent the past few nights with the bedside light on, Seb clinging to him and Mark hanging onto Seb in turn, hoping that feeling would feed through to give him a sense of safety even in his sleep.

There hadn't been any incidents as bad as Friday night since, but several times on both Saturday night and the next, Sebastian had woken with a start and tightened his hold on Mark so much that he hadn't needed to decide to wake him seeing as Mark woke anyway. Each time Mark felt Seb's heart pounding through his chest as he held on to him, betraying his distress even as Sebastian assured him he was okay. All Mark could do was stroke over his skin and talk to him soothingly until they both felt calmed. Seb never wanted to talk about it, all he wanted was for it to go away. That was all Mark wanted too: a peaceful night.

 

“How was Seb this morning?”

“I dunno, a bit better, physically anyway. We just did nothing yesterday.”

“Good. Look Mark, I think Dad might be right, you guys need a rest. Not just physically, but over all this.”

“We're not going to stop trying,” countered Mark.

“No I don't mean that. As if you would anyway. Nobody is saying what's happened is a good thing. What I mean is you're stressing yourself out with all this.”

 

Mark sighed and his sister worried that she wasn't getting her point over.

“Mark this is going to happen. I'm sure of it.”

“Us adopting you mean?”

“Yes. But you've been so focussed on it you've wound yourselves up into getting really intense about it all. No wonder you've got so upset at this setback.”

Mark sighed.

“It just feels so bad though.”

“I know, because it's about Heikki and that's bound to upset you, both of you.”

“Mm.”

“So it's doubly hard to deal with,” asserted Leanne, “but you just have to step back a bit and let things settle. You're going to get those reports, right?”

“Seb's asking about that today.”

“Good, so they'll have that.”

“It's just so hard having to wait not knowing what will happen,” Mark confessed.

“I know, but look into your heart, what do you feel?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you said you felt it, you felt in your heart that you and Seb were meant to have a family and that it was going to happen. Do you still feel that, all worries aside, do you feel it at your core?”

 

Mark paused and thought about it. Even with all their upset neither he nor Seb could give up on the idea that they were destined to have a family.

“Yeah.”

“Good. So there we go then.”

Mark allowed a little smile onto his face.

“Is this one of your fate things?” he enquired.

“Hey I thought I'd brought you around on that.”

“I guess you have,” Mark agreed.

“Well then. I'm quite certain that one day this phone call is going to be about you moaning cos the baby is keeping you up at night.”

 

Mark shook his head wondering how his sister did that; she always found a way to tell him things he might not want to hear and yet felt better for.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“You going to take those calls?” asked Mark.

“Hmm?”

“When I call you in the middle of the night asking how the hell I get our baby to stop crying.”

Leanne smiled.

“Course. Though I warn you now, sometimes there's simply no stopping them and you just have to tough it out.”

“Great, well there's me warned.”

“You will call me though,” assured his sister, “and that's fine. Sometimes you just need to have a moan about it.”

“I think that's what I'm doing now,” admitted Mark.

“Nah, it's better to talk it out.”

“Yeah it is, thank you.”

 

“So Seb's back in work?”

“Yep.”

“So he'll be fine, and you'll be fine,” assured Leanne.

“I guess.” Mark puffed a breath. “We're looking forward to the break already.”

“So am I. We can't wait to come see you.”

“Yeah we're looking forward to that too. God knows how we're going to fit you all in though.”

“I was thinking about that and I had a brainwave.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, stick the kids in tents.”

Mark laughed, but Leanne shook her head.

“I'm serious. You've loads of space in that big garden. The girls can go in one and Ryan can share with Seb's little brother. They'll enjoy it.”

“Hmm, the boys might, have you checked with the girls?”

“Not yet, but I will.”

“We haven't actually got any tents.”

“We have. We could bring them.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“We'll pay the extra baggage,” offered Mark.

“You're already paying for the flights.”

“So? We want to.”

 

Leanne knew she could argue that they weren't entirely on their uppers, but her brother did have more money and it was expensive to get to England.

“Okay well we'll dig them out and see if they're alright first.”

“It might rain,” noted Mark. “This is England remember.”

“Hence the tents. Anyway we'll see.”

“How are Jemma and Abbey going to feel about it?”

“If they can come in for showers and have somewhere to plug their straighteners in they'll be fine.”

“If you say so. Actually there's a shower and stuff in the changing room for the pool, so the kids could have that as their private bathroom.”

Leanne smiled, glad to hear her brother sounding better.

“There we go then. I'll tell them that, it might sell it to them. They can have a little cook-out in the garden and enjoy being away from the grown-ups. The girls might be teenagers, but they're still kids underneath. They're really excited about coming over.”

“Are they? That's nice. What about Ryan?”

Leanne laughed.

“Oh my god he never shuts up about it. He was so jealous to see Seb's little brother there at Silverstone.”

“Ah well. I think they'll get on. Fabian's a good kid.”

“I'm sure. There we are then.”

“Yeah, thanks Leanne.”

 

“That's alright. Anyway, what about you? Are you all set for your next race?”

“Oh I guess. To be honest I've barely thought about it,” admitted Mark.

“Well I'm sure you'll be fine. I suppose you're fretting about being apart from Seb aren't you?”

Mark sighed and didn't answer, but his sister knew him too well.

“It's just bad timing.”

“Yeah. Oh well, only a few days. I'm sure Seb will be alright.”

“Mm.”

“Mark he will be and you'll need to concentrate on your own driving.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Yes?”

“Yes,” accepted Mark. “Honestly I swear you channel Mum sometimes.”

“Well that's because I am a mum.”

“Not _my_ mum.”

“No I'm your big sister. Same rules apply.”

“Do they?”

“Yep. I can still keep an eye on you even from 10,000 miles away.”

“Yeah alright, thank you.”

“I'm sure Seb's sisters feel the same.”

“Yeah we spoke to them yesterday.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah. Seb worries he doesn't include them enough.”

“That boy worries about everything.”

Mark nodded, though he wouldn't refer to Seb as a boy, but as usual his sister was fairly on the money.

“Mm well.”

“And you do.”

“Mm, anyway.”

 

His sister tsk'd at his tone dropping.

“He'll be fine. You both just need to concentrate on your own races and put everything else out of your heads for a few days.”

“I know.”

“Alright and do you think you can do that?”

“I don't think we have much choice.”

“No, well you always seem to manage it. I'm sure you will again.”

“Yeah guess so,” accepted Mark.

His sister knew there was no point going on. Her brother was going to worry about Seb whatever she said.

“What have you got on today then?” she enquired.

“Hmm? Not much. Seb should be back for a late lunch and I'll see if he feels like doing anything.”

On the other side of the world Leanne shook her head at the way her brother's entire life seemed to revolve around his husband. She suspected that when a child came along, as she hoped it would for them, then Mark devoting himself wholeheartedly to their care wouldn't be such a stretch for him when he was so used to putting himself last.

“And this morning?” she pushed.

“Hmm, guess I'll take the dogs out. They won't care if Seb fancies it again later.”

“I don't suppose they will. Right, well fresh air always helps you feel better. I'm sure you'll be okay when you're busy next weekend.”

“Yeah hopefully. Alright, well I'll go take them out then. Thanks for everything.”

“Give my love to Seb.”

“Will do, and mine to your lot.”

“Course. I'll let you know about those tents.”

“Sure. Thanks it's a good idea.”

“I'm full of them,” smiled Leanne.

“Yeah you are. Love you too.”

“Love you, take care then.”

“Yep, bye.”

“Bye.”

 

Mark ended the call and looked at the dogs sat at his feet in the kitchen.

“Right you are then boys, let's go for a stroll.”

The dogs jumped up happily and Mark could swear they understood him.

“Reckon you'll love having kids about the place,” smiled Mark.

He meant their visiting relatives, but as he said that Mark hoped they would have their own to play with them one day. They had to keep that hope alive.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Half an hour away Sebastian sat in his bosses office, explaining the situation in as much as its technical details anyway. Christian nodded along, making little comment as he let Seb speak.

“Alright well it sounds the best thing,” he agreed.

“So you're okay with me asking Legal about it?” checked Seb.

Christian gave a shrug.

“They've been handling this from the start. I'm sure it's not that much work for them. Might as well keep it in-house.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you want me to speak to them?” offered Christian.

Sebastian paused. He would prefer it, but he knew he had to stop allowing everyone else to take responsibility for things. If he was going to be a parent he had to show he was up to the challenge, even to himself.

“No it's okay. I thought I might do it after I'm done on the sim.”

“That's fine. You're all set for the weekend then?”

“Sure.”

Christian nodded. He actually thought Sebastian didn't look all that great. There were slight bags under his eyes as if he'd suffered from lack of sleep and though it was less than a week since he had seen him at testing, Christian was sure Seb had lost some of that colour from his cheeks. Perhaps he was imagining it? Seb had said he was fine when he asked how he was. Then again Christian swore Seb would say he was fine no matter what the circumstances. If he'd told Seb to stop malingering and get out of that hospital bed in Monza he probably would have gone straight to the garage if only he had been capable of walking anywhere at the time. Christian thought he was better these days at detecting when Seb's smile was professional, but the smile was still there. Nothing seemed to stop Sebastian short of rendering him unconscious.

 

“Very good,” nodded Christian. “Oh will you be stopping by to see Antti and Doc Phillips?”

Sebastian frowned.

“Why?”

“Just pre-race checks.”

Sebastian wondered if he was being paranoid in thinking that his boss wanted to be sure he was really okay to race. He hoped it wasn't too obvious he'd had such a bad weekend. It was only a few days. He'd had breakfast this morning or Seb didn't think Mark would have let him get in the car to drive here. Yesterday they'd rested and done little more than watch Disney films lying on the sofa, but sleeping through the night was still an issue. Seb didn't want to think how that would be when he didn't have Mark to cling to so he felt safe. Hungary was going to be tough to get through, no matter what he said.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A little past two in the afternoon Mark heard a car on the drive and jumped up off the sofa from where he was watching some cycling to race with equal speed into the hallway to meet Seb, the dogs attempting to outdo him and nearly tripping him up in the process. Moments later Sebastian let himself in to see Mark waiting there.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Mark stepped in to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“How was it then?”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded, then indicated through to the kitchen.

“Do you want some lunch?”

Sebastian knew there was only one answer to give.

“Sure. You had yours?”

“No I was waiting till you got back.”

Seb knew why that was too, but he made no comment on it. They went through and sorted themselves out to sit at the table. Sebastian ate the pasta salad provided and realised that he did feel a bit hungrier than he had previously.

 

“How did it go then?” asked Mark once he had seen Seb was eating okay.

“Which bit?”

“Any of it?”

“Sim was fine. I spoke to Christian.”

“Oh?”

“It was okay,” shrugged Seb. “I spoke to Legal afterwards and they said the first report they can send no problem, the second they'll look into.”

“So that's good then.”

“Yeah.”

“And you were alright speaking to them?”

Sebastian was tempted to comment that he wasn't completely incapable, but it had been rather nerve-wracking going in there.

“Yeah it was okay. I mean it's the same people isn't it? So they know the score.”

“Mm, yeah I suppose so.”

“Anyway it's done. They're going to send the first report direct to Rachel and they'll let me know about the follow-up.”

“Okay, well that's good then.”

“Mm.”

“And everything else was okay? You guys all set for Hungary?”

“I think so.”

Mark nodded and took a mouthful of pasta.

“Christian made me see Doc Phillips and Antti too,” admitted Seb.

“Made you?”

Seb shrugged.

“He suggested it and when your boss suggests things like that you don't say no.”

“Well I'm sure it's just prep for the race,” offered Mark to reassure him, though he wasn't entirely unhappy to know Seb had been looked over by a doctor.

“Mm.”

“Weren't you going to see Antti anyway?”

“Only really to say hello.”

Mark put his fork down.

“What did they say?”

“Nothing really.”

“Nothing?”

“I didn't really tell them about the weekend,” admitted Seb.

 

Mark looked at him and Sebastian pulled an unhappy face.

“I didn't want to worry them.”

“Sweetheart it's their job to worry about you.”

“Mark.”

“You didn't have to tell them everything. You could have just said you'd been feeling a bit dodgy all weekend,” suggested Mark.

“They'd ask why,” Seb countered.

“Hmm.”

“I'm feeling much better Liebling.”

Mark huffed out a little breath and Sebastian sighed.

“Do I look that bad?” he asked.

Mark shook his head.

“No, just a bit tired. I'm pretty sure I look the same.”

Sebastian looked at him. Mark did look tired. It wasn't fair on him.

“I'm sorry,” he apologised.

“What for?”

“For making you worry. For keeping you awake. For everything really.”

 

Mark reached over and took his hand, laying them linked on the table.

“You don't have to be sorry. I just want to be sure you're okay for the race.”

“I will be.”

“You're sure?”

“Well Antti and the doc seemed okay. They'd have said if there was a problem,” pointed out Seb.

“What did they say?”

“Just... Antti asked how my training has been going.”

Mark rolled his eyes, but Seb ignored it, knowing they were never going to see eye-to-eye on him having a Finnish trainer.

“And Doc Phillips?”

“Asked if I'd been partying since my win.”

Mark broke into unexpected laughter.

“Yeah, bit off target,” agreed Sebastian. “I guess that means he thought I looked tired. I think he was trying to make a joke.”

“Mm.”

“It's been a bit better hasn't it?” Seb checked.

Mark gave his hand a squeeze, not wanting him to feel guilty about disrupted nights when they were hardly Seb's fault.

“Yeah it has darling. It'd just be nice if you could sleep through.”

“You make me sound like a baby.”

“Sorry.”

Sebastian looked at Mark.

“No I'm sorry. I know you didn't mean that.”

“You're tired sweetheart, so am I.”

“I guess,” conceded Seb.

“Did the doc have anything helpful to suggest?”

Sebastian huffed a wry laugh.

“He prescribed getting plenty of sleep ahead of the race.”

“Ah. I take it you didn't tell him even about that?”

“Liebling I couldn't.”

“Really? He does know. I mean some anyway and he wouldn't say.”

“I know, but, not going into a race. What if he said something to the team?”

“About this?” Mark shook his head. “I'm sure he wouldn't.”

“No, not about this, about, well... I just don't want them ever having any doubts about my fitness to race.”

“I take it you kept away from that with Christian too?”

 

Sebastian just looked back at him and Mark nodded. Seb was always going to be defensive about showing weakness to the team. No way around it.

“Alright, well just so long as you are alright to race.”

“I will be. I'm really feeling much better after a rest yesterday,” insisted Seb.

“Okay.” Mark nodded slowly. “Alright, well good, I'm glad.”

 

They ate for a little while, then Mark looked to Seb.

“So what do you want to do this afternoon then?”

“What do you want to do?” countered Sebastian.

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“I asked first.”

Seb shrugged.

“I dunno. I suppose I ought to be training, go for a decent ride or something.”

“Right, but what do you _want_ to do?”

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“Would it be awful if I said I'd rather just curl up on the sofa with you?”

Mark smiled.

“That's definitely not awful. I reckon that would suit the doctor's orders.”

“Not so much Antti's.”

“Yeah well Antti can get stuffed.”

Sebastian smiled more broadly. It might be a bit harsh, but he definitely preferred one set of advice to the other right now. He wasn't unfit, just tired. Short-term fix won out over long-term goals right now.

  
  


Half an hour later they snuggled up on the sofa together, finding room as they always did somehow to lie down wrapped up in one another. Mark was half watching the Tour stage playing out on television, but Seb currently lay facing him, their heads propped on the cushion.

“We can do something more active tomorrow,” he offered.

“Sure.”

“Maybe go for a ride in the morning?”

Mark looked more to him and smiled.

“Whatever you like sweetheart.”

“I like this right now.”

“Good.”

Mark gave him a kiss and Sebastian smiled before swivelling around to lie watch the sport on TV, Mark hanging onto him around his waist partly to stop him falling off the edge of the sofa, but mostly just because he wanted to hang onto him. Neither of them cared about the race they were watching that much, they cared about this; being together and feeling calm and at peace and truly home. They both wanted to hang onto that for as long a possible.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Tuesday dawned more overcast, but it wasn't raining, so the pair of them got up and tried to make the most of their day off. Sebastian had still woken in the night, but he wasn't sure whether that was at least partly because he had come to expect that now. By the time he was awake he had no clear recollection of what had disturbed him in his dream, but it was enough to leave him feeling unsettled. Mark always woke with him, but Seb couldn't explain any more than a feeling of unease so all Mark could really do was be there for him. He held onto him and stroked over Seb's arm to soothe him until he felt Sebastian's heartrate steady and his breathing slow and he slowly fell asleep leaving Mark looking on in the low light to be sure Seb was okay before he could relax enough himself to go back to sleep. Mark never made him feel bad about it, but when they woke Seb felt guilty for disrupting his night's sleep as well as his own.

Once they were up though, they tried to put it behind them seeing as Seb had made it clear he preferred to try to focus on other things to make himself feel better. When Pauline arrived Sebastian had just been working on convincing Mark that he was fine to go out for a ride, so they didn't spend too long speaking with her, just enough to check all was well with her looking after the dogs at the weekend and then they left her too it, fetching the bikes from the garage and wheeling them out onto the drive. Mark looked to Seb thinking that he had at least eaten a decent breakfast, perhaps as a consequence of seeing his trainer and feeling scrutinized, but as long as he was doing better that was all that mattered.

“So we'll just take it easy, yeah?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian looked over at him and didn't want to make anything of Mark suggesting he might not be up to a bike ride when in a couple of days he was going to driving an F1 car.

“Sure,” he agreed.  
  


They set off along the lanes, Mark setting a steady pace, but as they went on Seb tried to show him that he was capable of more. He sped down the hillsides and Mark naturally went with him and gradually they both relaxed into doing more of a decent ride as they usually would. Mark proposed that they head towards the village so they could make a stop off for coffee. Usually this was part of the run routine, but seeing as that didn't seem on the cards today it felt nice to treat themselves and Mark thought it provided a useful break.

By the time they got back Sebastian was starting to feel far more normal, his body given a work out and his lungs filled with fresh air. They had taken a good few hours over their ride, winding their way around the local countryside until they decided to turn for home. When they walked back into the kitchen to check on the dogs, the clock on the wall read nearly midday. Seb put his water bottle down on the kitchen table and looked at Mark who was just giving the dogs a pet.

“You know Liebling I'm actually kinda hungry.”

Mark stood up from where he'd been crouching.

“Oh?”

“I guess it's a bit early for lunch,” shrugged Seb.

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“No not really. I'm pretty peckish myself. Why don't we just grab a quick shower and then see what we've got in?”

“Sure.”

Mark gave him a smile, though as Seb turned for the door he missed the silent sigh of relief Mark also let out behind him.

  
  


A short while later they returned to the kitchen refreshed and changed. Mark consciously let Seb take the lead making lunch though he tried not to be too obvious about it. He thought that if Seb chose and made their food, then he would be more inclined to eat it. Not that Mark made any comment about it, but he was pleased to see Seb tucking into the meal he had made them. He knew that Seb had essentially been eating for his sake over the last few days and Mark had been concerned how that would work when they were apart. As they sat there eating, Mark simply gave Sebastian a smile and thanked him for making their meal. Perhaps he was in danger of getting more worked up than Seb was? Mark knew Seb wasn't stupid and he was well aware that with a race coming up he had to look after himself to make sure he was prepared.

As they finished eating Mark took their empty plates and simply gave Seb a kiss on the cheek. Seb looked at him.

“Okay?” he checked.

“Yep all good darling. Might as well leave them till later.”

He put the dishes in the sink, then turned to Seb as he brought the glasses.

“So, what d'you fancy doing this afternoon then?” Mark enquired.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Dunno.”

“Swim, take the dogs out? We could just find something to watch on TV for a bit,” proposed Mark.

“Isn't your cycling on?”

“My cycling?”

“The Tour de France.”

“Oh. Oh yeah think so.”

“Shall we go and see?” offered Seb.

“If you like, sure.”

  
  


They made themselves a coffee and took it through to the lounge, the dogs following to settle at their feet as Mark flicked the television on to see the stream of cyclists being shown making their way up a steep winding road up what looked like a mountain.

“You alright with this then sweetheart?” checked Mark.

“Yep. You can explain what's going on to me,” smiled Seb as he settled into his side.

Mark smiled back and fitted his arm around Sebastian and gave him another kiss on the cheek as they got comfortable.

“Going a bit faster than us,” noted Mark as they watched the peloton crest the col and swoop down the other side, leaning into the bends as they shot down the narrow hillside road.

“Yeah true.”

“Maybe not next weekend.”

“I sincerely hope so Liebling.”

“Mm.”

Moments later a couple of cyclists took too great a risk and as one suffered a rear tyre slipping in a damp patch at the edge of the tarmac. His bike went from under him and several close behind could do nothing to stop themselves crashing into him and soon there was a nasty pile up. Mark and Sebastian both winced at the sight of scraped skin and ripped clothing as the riders untangled themselves from the heap of cyclists and their bikes at the side of the road.

“Eeesh,” let out Mark, shaking his head as the group attempted to pick themselves up again.

“Yeah. Think maybe it's a good thing we weren't going that speed after all,” Sebastian conceded.

“Mm.”

One of the riders was clutching an arm across his chest and holding onto his shoulder waiting for a following team car.

“Broken collarbone,” diagnosed Mark.

“You reckon?”

“Yep. Look at the way he can't stand up straight.”

Soon the injured cyclist was being checked by a doctor and packed off into a car, his race over.

“And people think we're risk-takers,” noted Seb.

“Yeah.”

Mark sighed and looked to Seb thinking he was glad that even when they made more of an effort with their rides they never took anything like the extreme risks these racers did. The idea of Seb taking a tumble, even if they were wearing their cycling helmets, horrified Mark. When he stopped to think about any of those things Mark still wanted to protect Seb almost as much as he had after accident. He wondered if that feeling would ever go away or if he would always have to fight the urge to wrap Seb up in cotton wool and be by his side at all times. It wasn't a question of not trusting Sebastian to look after himself. It was that Mark didn't trust the world not to hurt Seb. Maybe that fear never would leave him? If so, he was simply going to have to find a way to live with it. It wasn't likely to be easy.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Twenty-four hours later on the Wednesday afternoon they both sat on the floor of their room, doing their packing ready to go early the next day. Things still weren't perfect and neither of them were looking forward to being parted, but at least the past couple of days had been reasonably peaceful and it had felt as though they were making some progress. Sufficient at least for Mark to not entirely panic at the idea of Seb going off to race on his own, even if he would far rather be with him.

Mark noticed Seb looking at him and gave him a smile.

“Anything you want to borrow?”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder.

“Could you pick out a few things?”

Mark huffed a little laugh and nodded.

“Sure.”

He went to his drawers and pulled out a couple of hoodies, then handed them to Seb.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“No problem.”

Seb fitted them into the case, then saw Mark smile at him.

“You want this one too?” asked Mark, pulling at a corner of the hoody he was wearing.

“Would that be okay?”

“Course.”

“Then it'll smell of you.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“What do I get?”

 

Sebastian knelt up and shuffled closer to put his arms around Mark's neck.

“You get me.”

Mark smiled, looking into Seb's eyes that were so close.

“That's nice, though I'm not sure you'll fit in the case.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“No probably not.”

“I ought to put in a few air holes at least.”

“Very thoughtful of you Liebling.”

Mark shrugged teasingly back.

“You can have this hoody back,” offered Seb, indicating the one he was wearing. “Then it'll smell of me.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Fair enough.”

“Can I have your t-shirt?” requested Seb.

“Which one?”

“This one.”

Sebastian plucked at the one Mark was wearing under his zip-up hoody today.

“If you like,” Mark agreed. “Might look a bit baggy.”

“To sleep in.”

Mark smiled.

“Good idea sweetheart.”

 

Sebastian leaned into him and took in a nice deep breath of his smell as he rested his cheek into Mark's shoulder, turning his head inwards so he could inhale the scent of Mark's bare skin at his neck. It was a wonderfully reassuring musky smell. Pure Mark and everything reassuring that implied: safety and home, love and care, his resting place, his strength in times of need, his perfect match.

Seb took in another breath then glanced up to see the way Mark was smiling at him and lifted his head to look at him properly.

“Do you think other people would think we were weird?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“I don't care.”

“I suppose I don't either,” concurred Seb.

“Good.”

Mark reached up and stroked over Seb's cheek.

“They'll help you feel better, my clothes?”

“Yeah.”

“Righto, that's all that matters.” Mark paused, then decided he'd better say. “You know you can call me, any time.”

“You'll be working.”

“No I mean in the night. If you wake up and, well, whatever, if you need me, you call.”

“You'll need your sleep.”

“I won't sleep if I'm worrying about you,” argued Mark. “I need to know you'll ring me. If you have a nightmare, or you wake up and you just want to hear my voice.”

Sebastian pouted slightly.

“I always want to hear your voice.”

Mark gave him a half-smile.

“Well then you call me sweetheart.”

“Okay,” Seb agreed. “You can call me too.”

“I intend to.”

“I meant in the night.”

“Well let's just see how we go, eh?”

“Yeah.” Seb paused and looked at him. “Mark, if I don't call then don't panic. I might actually sleep through you know.”

Mark nodded.

“Alright.”

“If I promise to call, then you don't need to worry if I don't,” reasoned Seb.

“Yeah okay, that sounds like a deal,” confirmed Mark.

Sebastian pressed into him a little.

“I will miss you Liebling.”

“Yeah me too sweetheart. Just a few days though.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark squeezed Sebastian in, knowing that parting was going to be difficult. He pressed his cheek into Seb's and then turned his head to kiss him. A kiss that became a proper kiss, prolonged as Sebastian moved to straddle him where Mark knelt on the carpet. Mark fitted his arms around Seb's lower back and held him in place. As they parted for air Mark looked past him to their suitcases on the floor.

“Are we done packing?” he checked.

“Yeah I think so,” agreed Seb.

He moved a little more decisively against Mark, leaning in to kiss him again and at the same time easing his hips forward into him. Mark responded, then paused to look at Seb.

“You want to?”

“It might make me feel better.”

Mark nodded.

“I don't need persuading sweetheart.”

He gave Seb a softer smile, then kissed him again before slipping his hands under Sebastian's clothes and pulling his hoody and t-shirt off in one fell swoop before helping Seb do the same for him and then carefully turning them so they lay on the floor.

  
  


  
  


A little while later they lay wrapped up together, still on their bedroom floor having not made it up onto the bed only a foot or so away. Mark tugged at the duvet and pulled it to cover them. He supposed they could climb up onto the bed and get comfy, but he didn't want to move. He wanted to keep Seb like this: holding on so tightly across him, Seb's cheek softly pressing into his chest, looking more restful and at peace than he had in days. Mark tucked the duvet around them and stroked over Sebastian's arm where it held onto him.

“Alright sweetheart?”

Seb nodded into him.

“Feel better?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Me too.”

Mark leaned in to kiss the top of Sebastian's head who kissed Mark's chest in turn.

“I feel a bit sleepy,” confessed Seb.

“Then sleep darling.”

“'kay.”

Seb closed his eyes and breathed Mark in: Safe, safe, safe. He fell asleep.

  
  


 

  
  


Later that evening they were back downstairs, their suitcases in the hall ready to go. They sat cuddled up together on the sofa, Seb having eaten a better meal than he had since last Thursday when they hadn't known what trouble lay in store. Mark looked at Sebastian as he lay his head on his shoulder and reached up to card his fingers through his hair, then touched his cheek.

“You really feel better?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Mark looked at him for a moment and Seb frowned and lifted his head.

“What?”

“No, just, it's good obviously, but...”

“But?”

“I don't know. I guess I just wouldn't have suggested it.”

“Suggested what? Sex?”

“Yeah.”

“I told you I was doing better. We've had lots of rest the past few days.”

“Mm, it's just given...” Mark sighed, but he'd started so he had to explain now. “No it's just your nightmares sweetheart, given the subject...”

Sebastian looked back at him. He knew why Mark was avoiding being more specific.

“It's not the same,” he assured him.

“I know but...”

“No Mark, it's nothing like. There's no confusion. There's never been any confusion in my head about that. I know I can be pretty mixed up at times.”

“No.”

“Yes I can,” insisted Sebastian. “I know that, but not with this.”

He lifted up a little to look properly at Mark.

“Liebling I love you and I know you love me. You're gentle and you're kind and you're nothing like him. You couldn't be further from being like him and sex with you, it's nothing like...” Sebastian stopped, unable to complete the sentence. “It's got nothing to do with that. It's not even the same subject. Okay?”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark. “Course.”

“You do know that don't you Liebling?”

“Yeah I know.”

“It's only when I'm asleep sometimes, when I have nightmares, I go to bad places, but it's nothing to do with you, nothing at all, okay?”

“Okay.”

“It's only when I'm asleep,” repeated Sebastian. “My brain goes where it shouldn't and I don't have any control over it.”

Mark stroked over his arm.

“I know sweetheart. The subconscious can be a bastard at times.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah. Henry never put it like that, but yeah basically that's it,” he agreed. “But we're awake, obviously, when we're together.”

“Obviously,” agreed Mark softly. “Very awake.”

“And I never feel better, happier, more loved.”

Mark wrapped his arms tight around Sebastian and lowered his head into Seb's.

“I love you so much,” he whispered.

Sebastian closed his eyes and cuddled into Mark. No one else ever would truly understand them, but that was okay as long as they had each other.  
  


  
  


They stayed that way for a while, but eventually they pulled slightly apart. As Mark released his hold on Seb he dipped in to kiss him and Sebastian kissed back before smiling up at him.

“It's our last night,” Seb noted.

“Only a few days apart.”

“Yeah. Can we go to bed?”

“Course.”

Sebastian gave him a certain smile and Mark smiled back as he read it.

“Yeah?” he checked.

“It makes me feel better and maybe I'll sleep better too.”

“If it helps you darling, then I am more than happy to oblige,” Mark assured him.

“That's very good of you Liebling.”

“I aim to please.”

“You do.”

“Please?” checked Mark, knowing they were only teasing one another.

“Yeah.”

“Glad to hear it sweetheart. Shall we go up then?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark smiled before leaning around to kiss at his face, aiming for his nose, his cheek, anywhere that he thought might make Seb smile. Mark was trying to keep things light, though he wanted to make sure he was extra gentle, extra kind, extra careful with Seb tonight. He might not need to prove anything, but Mark wanted to show Seb how much he loved him, so at least they could carry that with them while they were apart.

  
  


  
  


In the middle of the night Sebastian snatched at Mark where he lay into him and Mark woke, feeling Seb's breathing elevated as he pressed in and the way his hold tightened around his chest accompanied by the to familiar 'thud thud thud' of his heart seeming to bang against his ribs. Mark angled his head to look as Sebastian took a sharper breath then opened his eyes, properly awake now. Mark stroked over his arm as they looked at each other in the low light coming from the bedside lamp.

“You okay?” Mark checked.

Seb nodded, then shuffled up a little higher to look at Mark better. Mark took a deep breath and freed one hand to smooth over his skin.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Mark gave him a quick kiss.

“You don't need to be sorry,” he assured.

Sebastian sighed.

“I don't remember what it was.”

Mark nodded.

“Maybe I woke up sooner?” suggested Seb.

“Yeah maybe,” Mark agreed softly.

“I'm okay.”

“Good.”

Mark's voice was a low whisper and Sebastian felt his chest move as he spoke. It seemed to help the words flow though him.

“I'm okay,” repeated Seb quietly.

“Okay.”

They looked into one another's eyes for a long minute, then Mark gave Seb a little nod and leaned his head into Sebastian's. They closed their eyes and Mark waited to feel Sebastian's breathing slow before beginning to relax himself. Seb's heart was still beating a little too fast, but that slowed too as Seb dropped into a deeper sleep. Mark opened his eyes to look at Seb, then closed them again to try to join him. God only knew how they were going to get through this coming weekend. Mark wasn't sure he was going to be able to sleep without Seb any more than Seb was going to be able to sleep without him. If he ever found out who designed the racing calendar Mark vowed to give them a piece of his mind. It wouldn't be pretty.

  
  


 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last comment not at all motivated by me shaking my head at the FIA allowing Bernie to put Baku on the same weekend as Le Mans. Psshhh.


	152. Getting By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back off racing again, but not together. Unlikely to be easy.

* * *

  
  


 

Sebastian sat on his hotel bed talking to Mark on the phone. It did at least help that with them both being in central Europe there was no time difference to take into account.

“So everything's okay then?” checked Mark.

“Yeah fine. We're just all getting ready for running tomorrow,” Seb replied. “What about you?”

“Same. What about the media?”

Sebastian paused.

“I'm really sorry I couldn't watch the press conference,” apologised Mark.

“No it's okay, you were working. You didn't miss much.”

“How was it?”

“Fine.”

Mark frowned at the short answer.

“Seb?”

Sebastian sighed, knowing that wouldn't wash with Mark.

“It was okay. I could have done without it. Originally I wasn't down, but I guess following the last race they switched things around.”

“Yeah well they do that. But were they okay with you?” pressed Mark.

“I dunno. Yeah. I mean no one was awful. They just kept asking how I felt after winning.”

“Right.”

“So I mean...” Sebastian paused. “I just told them it was good obviously.”

 

For a few days that had been true, they both knew that, then things had gone rapidly downhill, though Seb was hardly likely to tell the media that.

“Yeah, alright,” accepted Mark. “They weren't going on too much about the past though were they?”

“The accident you mean?” Seb puffed a breath. “A bit.”

“Hmm.”

“I'm like a broken record saying I'm looking to the future, but I guess that's not the answer the want to hear.”

“Well they can fuck off,” bit Mark.

 

Sebastian ended up smiling at how forceful Mark sounded.

“Maybe I should say that to them?”

Mark smiled.

“I suspect Helmut would frown apon it darling, but some of them really do ask for it.”

“Yeah. Anyway they're always looking backwards ahead of the weekend,” noted Seb. “It'll be better when we've got actual running on track to talk about.”

“Hope so. Alright, but you're okay?”

“Yeah I'm okay. Britta kept the huddle short so I was done early.”

“Good.”

“I suspect Christian had a word with her.”

“Mm, well that's no bad thing.”

“She hasn't said anything, but I swear Britta turns her glare up a notch some weekends.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Glad to hear it sweetheart. Alright well you've got her on your side haven't you?”

“Yeah. I will feel better when we're into it all properly. It was nice being in the garage this afternoon.”

“Was it?”

“Yeah the guys are still all happy after Silverstone. It's really nice actually.”

 

Mark smiled, thinking how sweet that was. He hoped their positivity might rub off on Seb.

“They care a lot about it, about you.”

“I guess.”

“No they do darling.”

“I told him it was our win, not mine.”

“Ours?”

“Well it is ours obviously, but I meant to them, I meant I shared it with them because of all the work they did on the car and stuff.”

“Of course.”

“It is still ours though. I couldn't do it without you Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“Sweetheart it's fine. Of course it's the guys too. You win nothing without the team. I'm sure it means a lot to them that you said that.”

 

Sebastian shrugged and though they were hundreds of miles apart Mark knew it. He hoped that all the team would be looking after Seb for him this weekend.

“I guess. I'm glad I got to pay them back a bit.”

“What do you mean?” asked Mark.

“For all they've done. I meant what I said. They have been very supportive since I came back.”

“Well that's as it should be.”

“Perhaps, but I'm still glad I got to say that in the press conference at least.”

“Did you? Well there you go then.”

“Nobody actually asked me the question, I just sort of said it anyway.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I'm sure Britta would say you answer the question you want to answer, not necessarily the one that's asked.”

Sebastian laughed.

“That makes me sound like a politician.”

“Well you have to be that a bit in F1.”

“Not in WEC?”

“Not so much.”

“Have you had any media today?”

“Just a bit. Few table gatherings in the motorhome, but it was me and Brendon and Timo all together.”

“Ah right, that's nicer.”

“Yeah we get to sit with a coffee at any rate.”

Sebastian smiled.

“That sounds better.”

“Yeah it's a bit less adversarial. Anyway, down to business tomorrow.”

“Yep.”

“I wish I could watch.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah. Oh well. What are you doing tonight?” enquired Mark.

“We're going out for a meal, me and the guys.”

“Are you? That's great sweetheart.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah really good,” smiled Mark, feeling much better to know Seb wouldn't be sat around in his hotel room all night.

“It was Christian's idea, he's coming, Britta too. I suppose I wouldn't have felt like it, but I think it's important to make a fuss of the guys a bit.”

 

Mark smiled and shook his head, suspecting Seb might have the situation the wrong way around, but perhaps it was better he saw it that way?

“We're just going to a place in town, not dressing up or anything,” explained Seb.

“Sure. Sounds nice.”

“I wish you were coming.”

“So do I darling, but never mind.”

“What are you doing?” enquired Seb.

“Oh well I'm actually having a meal with Brendon and Timo, bit of team building there too I guess.”

“Ah right. I suppose it's good we'll both be busy.”

“It is. I won't be late either though, we're just eating in the hotel restaurant, keeping it simple.”

“Sure.”

 

There was a pause, then Sebastian spoke up.

“We won't be late,” he repeated.

“No that's fine. Call me when you get in maybe?”

“Yeah.”

Seb's voice had gone quiet.

“Seb?”

“No it's fine. It's just... I miss you Liebling.”

“I miss you too darling.” Mark sighed. “Sweetheart it's the first time we've really been apart for what, three months?”

“Yeah nearly.”

“So of course it's going to feel strange being apart.”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian stared at the bland hotel carpet on the floor. He wanted to say he didn't know how to sleep without Mark, but he knew Mark was worrying enough about that already. They just had to tough it out.

“It's fine,” he assured, trying to sound better. “I'll call you when I get in and we can talk in bed.”

“Yep. I look forward to it.”

“Me too. Well say hi to your team-mates.”

“Will do.”

“Oh and Jenson.”

“Done that already mate. He says hi.”

“Have you told him anything about what's been going on?”

Mark frowned.

“No sweetheart, he doesn't know anything about us wanting to adopt does he?”

“Oh, yeah I kindof forgot,” admitted Seb. “I sort of wish we could tell them in a way, but not now.”

“No, well...” Mark shrugged. “When we've got some good news maybe we can tell him and Jess then, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Rachel's got the first report and we'll get her the next one, we'll go from there.”

“Yep. Yeah okay Liebling,” replied Sebastian, doing his best not to allow himself to get too down. He couldn't afford that when he had a race weekend to get through and without Mark with him as well.

“Have fun with the guys tonight, forget all the serious stuff, yeah?” suggested Mark.

“Yeah they're pretty funny.”

“Good. So are you darling, so I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself.”

“Thanks. I speak to you later then.”

“Yeah later.”

“Bye Liebling.”

“Bye, have fun tonight.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart. I'll talk to you in a little bit.”

“Yeah, bye.”

“Bye.”

 

Sebastian finally hung up and dumped the phone onto the mattress. He was hopeless at ending calls with Mark. Sometimes he thought they could just say goodbye for half an hour. It was ridiculous, but he couldn't help it. He took a deep breath and pushed it out. Time to get ready for tonight. His jeans would do with a clean t-shirt. Sebastian got up and glanced at Mark's shirt laid out on the pillow for later on. Not that t-shirt, he thought, smiling to himself, thinking how it would be a comfort to wear it in bed tonight. He pulled open a drawer where he had rapidly unpacked already and found a new one, then havered over which hoody to team it with. One of Mark's Porsche ones probably wouldn't be politic. The plain blue would be fine. It was still one of Mark's.

 

 

 

Sebastian walked with Britta into the restaurant in town. She had been the one to suggest meeting in the hotel lobby to cross the couple of blocks to where the team had booked and whilst Seb didn't think he needed his hand holding, it was better not to have to walk in alone. As they entered he saw it was busy in there, but a section of the restaurant had been kept allocated over to one side where a long table was filled already. Seb smiled and waved as he went to join the team who mostly paused their chatting to welcome him before resuming where they had left off.

The night passed pleasantly enough and Seb knew Mark was right when he had suggested that the relaxed banter from his guys would be a nice distraction. Nobody was drinking given that they all had serious work to do the next day, but it was a good sign that the team felt they could afford at least part of a night off ahead of the weekend. Of course Seb knew they had been here setting up already ahead of him arriving as late as he could get away with this Thursday morning, but even so it was good. He recalled all the times his mechanics had worked through the night fixing a problem and thought they were overdue this.

 

“No Mark this weekend,” noted Steve as he looked across the table to Seb.

“No, he's in Germany.”

“Ah, that's ironic seeing as we'll be there next weekend.”

“Well he'll be there then too.”

“Oh I see. Is he just sticking around?”

Sebastian smiled at the idea of Mark kicking his heels all week in Germany waiting for him to show up.

“No we'll both be back home after our races this weekend, then off again.”

“You guys still got that plane?”

“Oh, um, yeah. It just makes life easier, you know?”

Steve and a couple of the other guys around him laughed.

“I'll bet it does mate. I wouldn't say no to jetting about myself.”

Sebastian took a sip of his water and felt a little guilty that they didn't have the same comforts he did.

“Sorry.”

“Nah it's alright,” smiled Steve. “Don't suppose you'd want us around making the place look untidy.”

Mike leaned into his fellow mechanic, giving Seb a smile.

“Only proper way for F1 drivers to travel isn't it?” Mike asserted jovially. “Besides he could hardly give us a lift seeing as we got here Monday.”

“Monday?” noted Seb.

“Yep, bright and early. That garage floor doesn't polish itself you know.”

“Guess not.”

“What did you do about going to separate places then, you and Mark?” enquired Mike.

“Oh well we just made a stop on the way here.”

Mike laughed.

“Dropped him off?”

“Pretty much. It was sort of en route.”

“Well I didn't think you'd just shove him out the door with a parachute.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Knowing Mark he'd love that.”

“I bet he would. Ah well, back next weekend in his regular spot then?”

“Yeah and my family, they're all coming actually.”

“Are they? Great. Your little brother's keen isn't he?”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Yeah he loves it.”

“Maybe we should give him a go in the car?” proposed Mike.

Sebastian shook his head.

“With my mother around? Good luck with that.”

Steve put a friendly arm around his colleague.

“Never mess with the mothers mate, big mistake.”

 

Sebastian just smiled and returned to eating his meal, glad that his appetite was pretty much back to normal. He wasn't exactly having the same food as the rest of the guys, but this was nice healthy stuff Antti would approve of and the company was nice. Way better than sitting in his room on his own, especially if Mark was out as well.

On the other side of the table Mike watched the way their driver carefully ate his grilled chicken and salad, thinking that it no wonder he was so light living only on that sort of thing. Drivers were so bloody skinny these days it was ridiculous. That hoody Seb was wearing tonight swamped him, making him look thinner than ever. Quite why he always wore them so big was a mystery, but perhaps that was just what he felt comfortable with? Mike had a pet theory that some drivers hid behind their uniforms and their sunglasses in the paddock. With all the media intrusion it was hardly surprising, but Seb seemed to be another one who used his clothing to surround him more than physically. Sometimes in the garage he seemed to pull those too big hoodies around him as if he was cold when Mike was nearly always bloody boiling in there. Then again Mike knew he had a fair bit more padding to keep himself warm. No salads for him.

  
  


  
  


Mark lay asleep in his hotel bed. It had taken a while to drop off, even after their extended bedtime phone-call where Seb had assured him he was alright. Mark had lain in the darkness staring up at the ceiling unable to stop himself from repeatedly checking his phone to be sure Seb hadn't called or texted, which Mark knew was daft seeing as he had his phone on full volume to ensure he would hear it if it went off in the night. Eventually Mark had slipped asleep, consciously trying to shut his mind off whilst his subconscious still worried away.

In the darkness his phone suddenly lit up where it lay on the next pillow which in Mark's mind ought to be occupied by Seb. It started ringing and Mark woke up with a start, fumbling for the phone as his brain woke up, trying not to panic. He managed to hit the green answer button and put his mobile phone to his ear without even looking at who the call was registering from.

“Sweetheart are you alright?”

In another hotel room, lying on another pillow, Sebastian closed his eyes at the sound of Mark's voice.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“It's okay. Are you sure you're alright?”

“Yeah I just sort of jumped awake and... yeah.”

 _And you weren't there,_ Seb didn't add.

“Right.” Mark sighed and rubbed at his face. “Did you have a bad dream?”

“I dunno. I don't remember. I just woke up and... I promised didn't I?”

“You did. Thank you.”

“Ah Mark, don't say thank you when I've just woken you up at 2am.”

“Is it 2am?”

“Yeah, near enough. I'm sorry.”

“No darling. Like you said, we promised didn't we? We don't break promises.”

“No.” Seb took in deep breath. “I'm okay. I just wish you were here that's all.”

“I'm sorry. I wish I was too.”

“Yeah.”

 

There was a pause and Seb knew he had to reassure Mark.

“I'm alright really Liebling. It's nice to hear your voice.”

“Yours too darling. Virtual hug?”

A smile crept onto Sebastian's face.

“Yes please.”

“Good.”

Mark closed his eyes and let out a slow breath.

“I'm holding onto you now darling,” he assured.

Sebastian breathed in the remaining scent that lingered in the Mark's hoody that he had taken into bed with him. He had gone to sleep holding onto it like a child would a comfort blanket, but Seb didn't care. It _was_ comforting.

“Me too,” he let out quietly.

“Yeah.”

They went quiet to let their imaginations work for a while, then Sebastian sighed.

“That feels better Liebling. Thank you.”

“Okay. Do you want to talk for a bit?”

 

Sebastian knew he should let Mark go back to sleep, but he still felt a little unsettled inside. Perhaps it would help both of them to chat for a bit to know they were okay, then he might sleep better through until morning?

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb. “What about?”

“Dunno. Our barbecue?” proposed Mark.

“Okay.”

“What do you reckon to my sister's idea about the tents?”

“Yeah it's good. Fabe'll be up for that I'm sure.”

“Yeah? He won't feel we've shoved him out the house?”

“No I don't think so. I'll have a word with him, tell him he's in charge of looking after things out there.”

Mark wished Fabian luck trying to boss his nieces around, but if it made Fabian feel special to be ostensibly in charge what did it matter?

“Yeah he can look after Ryan.”

“I already told him that.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah. Well I asked him if he could do that for you while he was over and he said he would.”

Mark smiled, thinking Seb's amateur psychology wasn't bad; Fabian would doubtless enjoy the chance to be the older one for once and having a little responsibility implied trust.

 

“Great, well that should free up the bedrooms a bit.”

“Yeah.”

“We're still going to struggle though,” noted Mark. “We've got your parents, my parents, Leanne and Dean, Stef with Jan and Sofie, all needing a room each, and Mel.”

“Which doesn't add up seeing as we only have four spare bedrooms,” observed Seb.

“Only _four_ ,” smiled Mark. “How do we survive in that poky little house?”

“Yeah but even with the kids outside, where do we put Mel?”

“I don't suppose she can share with anyone.”

“No and she's not sleeping on our floor.”

Mark laughed, feeling cheered up by the conversation.

“No darling, she's definitely not doing that.”

“I don't suppose she'd much fancy it either,” smiled Seb.

“Downstairs then. She could have the sofa,” proposed Mark.

“Hmm, that's a bit rubbish though. Where would she put her stuff?”

“Well I don't know. The dining room then?”

“Maybe. We could take the table outside and use it at the barbecue.”

“Yeah. There we go. It's not ideal, but she'd have her own room at least. We can get a camp bed.”

Sebastian smiled.

“A camp bed?”

“Yeah for her to sleep on.”

“I was just thinking about last Christmas, well the one before last.”

“Ah yes,” smiled Mark. “God, that seems a long time ago.”

“It is.”

“Yeah guess so. Mmm, happy memories.”

“Of me lying in a heap on the floor?”

“Of you lying in my arms as a result. I have very warm feelings towards that camp bed.”

“I wish I was lying in your arms now Liebling,” confessed Sebastian.

“Me too darling.”

 

Mark gathered up some of the duvet into his arms and squeezed it. Not the same. Nothing like really.

Sebastian sighed.

“Shall I tell you something really stupid Liebling?”

“Hm? Yeah okay. I'm sure it's not stupid.”

“No it is.”

Sebastian felt the soft hoody inside fleece with his thumb, rubbing over it comfortingly where he held it.

“Go on then,” Mark prompted.

“Okay so when I went to bed... I've got your hoody. The one you were wearing the other day.”

“Right. Well that's not stupid.”

“No but I'm not wearing it... Okay, so I like holding onto it in bed, your hoody that is,” Seb admitted.

“There's nothing wrong with that,” assured Mark.

“I like that it still smells of you. I put it in a carrier bag to come here so it still would.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Very practical.”

“Mm, but worse than that Liebling, I genuinely considered putting it on the spare pillow tonight so I could hold onto it.”

“On the pillow?”

“I mean over it.”

Mark put a hand over his mouth and couldn't prevent a little chuckle escaping.

 

“I said it was stupid,” pouted Seb.

“No darling it's very sweet. Did you actually do it?”

“No.”

“You could have had a Mark pillow to cuddle.”

“You're teasing me.”

“Only a little bit darling. It's adorable.”

“I'm so stupid.”

“No you're not.”

“I just miss you.”

“I know sweetheart and you're used to sleeping into me. It's natural you want to recreate that, especially now.”

“Yeah. It wouldn't be the same though.”

“A fake me? No, well perhaps that's reassuring? I wouldn't want to be replaced with a pillow altogether.”

Sebastian tsk'd but he was smiling.

“I can't help missing you Liebling.”

“I know. I'm missing you horribly too darling. I'm glad you called.”

“Are you? Even though I woke you up?”

“Yeah I think I was expecting it. I'm glad you're pretty much okay. It makes me feel better.”

“Okay. I did promise.”

“You did. Thank you.”

“I feel better now.”

“There we go then. Do you think you can go back to sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

 

Sebastian took a long slow breath in and let it out equally slowly.

“If I told anyone else the crazy stuff in my head they'd lock me up.”

“Nah.”

“Hmm.”

“Well I wore your hoody to dinner sweetheart. It's no difference.”

“Technically that's _your_ hoody Liebling.”

“I wore it because you'd been wearing it.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Perhaps they'll have to lock both of us up in that padded cell?”

“As long as we're together.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark paused, he had made his peace with Dr Menton over the years, but their last encounter with a psychiatrist had not ended well. He didn't want Sebastian taking that too much to heart.

“Sweetheart I reckon whatever helps us feel better is a good thing. Bollocks to what anyone else would think. They're never going to know.”

“I suppose not.”

“And we've had a rotten time lately. I think we're doing well to be where we are. What's a few hoodies, eh?”

“I'm wearing your t-shirt too.”

Mark smiled.

“Well then I really am wrapped around you aren't I?”

“Yeah, kind of. I'm looking forward to the real thing.”

“Me too. Sunday night. I shall be stood on a runway twiddling my thumbs waiting for my ride.”

“We'd better not run you over then.”

“I sincerely hope you don't darling.”

“I'll ask the pilot to look out for you.”

“I'll ask a marshal if I can borrow his flags.”

  
Sebastian huffed a laugh. It was all rubbish, but these silly little things amused them.

“Okay, I think I can go back to sleep now,” he offered.

“Righto. Me too. Love you darling.”

“Love you too Liebling, so much.”

“Yeah.”

“A pillow's not the same as my rock.”

Mark chuckled.

“Softer though.”

“I don't want soft. I want you. You're nice and firm when I lie on you.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah. It's comforting.”

“Well I'm glad. I like having you there,” agreed Mark. “You feel soft though.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Even if I haven't shaved?”

Mark laughed again.

“Yes darling, you're still soft. You're always soft. Nothing feels better than you lying with me.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“Mmm.”

“Alright, well go to sleep now. We'll be back together soon and we can have a proper snuggle,” offered Mark, his voice low and soothing in the darkness.

“I can't wait.”

“Me neither.”

 

They said more goodbyes and more 'I love yous' until they felt able to let go and finally hung up. Mark closed his eyes, feeling strangely comforted to have been woken up. Sebastian in his bed far away stroked his cheek into the inside of the hoody where it lay on the pillow. It smelt right, but it was too soft. He wanted his rock back.

  
  


  
  


They both found their ways through the next day and night. Seb stayed late with the guys in the garage helping them out where he could on the Friday evening. Deep down he knew that they didn't really need him there, but none of them said so and he quite enjoyed just hanging around passing equipment over and talking to them about what they were doing. It wasn't until he noticed that it was beginning to go dark outside that Seb finally said his goodbyes and told the guys not to stay late when they'd all be back in the morning. He stepped outside and was quite glad that it was twilight now and the oppressive heat from earlier in the day had been replaced by cooler air. There was still no hint of a breeze though and as Seb walked down the deserted paddock in the disappearing twilight he could hear the music from the garage floating out. No doubt it was going to be boiling again tomorrow, but at least he felt properly prepared for the next day.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian ended up calling Mark again on the Friday night. It was technically Saturday morning though, and closer to one am than two. He wasn't sure whether his subconscious hadn't really just woken him on purpose so he could call Mark and feel close to him in the night. He felt a bit guilty about waking him still, but Mark was so insistent that it was fine that Seb was reassured and they had both done okay in the daytime whilst driving, so it didn't seem to have affected them too badly. In a way Seb thought that he actually slept better after their interval. He hoped it was the same for Mark.

  
  


  
  


By the afternoon on Saturday he stood out the back of the garage, grateful that Mark was free to speak to him before qualifying.

“So you'll be fine.”

“And you.”

“We're talking about you now,” insisted Mark.

“I'm okay. Qualifying's pretty important round here. I mean it's not Monaco, but... I guess you know that.”

“Sure. Well you'll be fine. Car's much better with that upgrade isn't it?”

“Yeah.”

“How's the weather?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Boiling.”

“Hotter than Silvo?”

“Liebling it's ridiculous. I'm so glad we've got air-con in here.”

“No air-con in the car though,” noted Mark.

“No. Wish there was.”

“Yeah.” Mark paused. “You've been feeling alright haven't you?”

“Mark I'm fine.”

 

Mark bit his lip, trying not to fret. He was currently sat on a small pile of used tyres out the back of the Porsche garage at the Nurburgring in considerably less sunny weather, but it was dry, that was all he asked today. Sebastian knew what he was getting at.

“Liebling that was a week ago and I'm much better now. It was because I wasn't eating.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I just had one of Antti's special pre-quali carb-ups and I've got an energy drink right here.”

“Ah okay, well I'll shut up then.”

“No Liebling, it's fine, but you don't need to worry about anything like that.”

“Yeah okay.”

“You can just go back to worrying about all the other stuff,” offered Seb, trying to keep things light.

Mark huffed the driest of laughs.

“Yeah true.”

“If it helps, I'm worrying about you driving,” offered Sebastian.

“Hmm, I'm not sure that helps.”

“No, well I guess we'll both be too busy this afternoon won't we?”

“Yeah. I did ask if they could stick it on one of the TV's in the garage,” reported Mark.

“What?”

“Quali.”

“My quali?”

“Well in fairness darling I think they'll show all the cars, but yes.”

“Did you really ask?”

“Yeah.”

“Mark,” tsk'd Seb, thinking he didn't want to be the cause of disruption in the Porsche garage.

“They don't mind. There's more than one screen in there.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he was touched by the gesture.

“Did they do it?”

“Dunno. I'll see when I go back in. Not the end of the world if they don't, but it'd be nice to keep an eye.”

“Aren't you going to be in the car?”

“On and off.”

“Mm, okay, well you ought to be concentrating on that.”

“When I'm in the car I will be.”

“Yes?”

“Yes darling. Don't fret. You'll do the same won't you?”

“Well no offence Liebling but I can't really do anything else. There's too much to deal with in the car to think about anything but driving it.”

“Good.”

“I will think about you when I'm out of it too.”

“Seb, you don't have to justify it. That's how it works. I'll be concentrating on driving too.”

“Okay.”

“Right, well I probably need to get in there,” noted Mark. “Hug?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian closed his eyes knowing Mark was doing the same. These virtual hugs were probably something else others would think weird. He needed them though. It felt as though they gave him strength, centred him, though not as much as a real hug. Sometimes you had to make do with what you had.

  
  


  
  


An hour and a half later Sebastian was busy explaining to the assembled media around the pen that he would be making do with his fifth place in qualifying too. He hadn't had chance to speak to Mark yet, though Seb knew he would say it was fine. Fifth was fine. It was okay. Nothing special, but okay. But round here? The tight track of the Hungaroring made overtaking seriously difficult. Not impossible, but damn difficult.

Seb was explaining this as he stood with microphones shoved under his nose whilst at the same time remembering a few years back when he had been stuck behind Jenson for god knows how many laps in a race that had gone to hell. Not that he blamed Jenson. That was the game, friend or not. He tried not to think too much about that race though. The results hadn't been restricted to points on the board. Afterwards... No he wasn't thinking of that. He wasn't going to let it in. He had to block it out, block it out, or it would creep in during the night.

“You seem rather down Seb,” stated a reporter.

Sebastian looked at him.

“I'm fine. Obviously I'd rather have had a better result today, but the race is tomorrow.”

“Dan did rather better to get third.”

Sebastian hid a sigh. As if he didn't know that?

“Yes, well...”

“You've seemed rather down all weekend,” persisted the reporter. “I'd have thought you'd be buzzing after your win?”

Seb hardly knew what to say. He thought he'd been doing a pretty good job of appearing upbeat and normal. Maybe not?

“I'm just concentrating on this weekend,” he excused.

“You must be missing Mark,” smiled the reporter.

Seb wanted to glare at him. What did he know?

“He's racing this weekend.”

“Poor planning by the FIA would you say?” tempted the reporter.

Sebastian caught Britta's eye. He would like to agree, but he fixed on a smile.

“It's a busy calendar.”

“Thanks guys, Seb is here to discuss qualifying today,” intervened Britta.

Sebastian took a sip of his chilled drink from the bottle in his hand and was already counting down the seconds before he could peel this horribly sweaty race-suit off and get into a nice cold shower. The reporters couldn't read his eyes hidden beneath dark sunglasses and Seb was glad of it. All he needed to do was fix his smile in place to try to show them that he wasn't downbeat. Of course he missed Mark, wouldn't anyone miss their other half? If he said so then the media would just find a way to make it into a story though, so Seb knew he had to keep things on track. He lowered the bottle and reset himself to take more endless questions. Soon be over, smile and say what you need to, move on.

 

As he gratefully walked away from the pen Sebastian encountered Lewis who looked as hot as Seb felt.

“Hey man.”

“Hey.”

“It is _hot_ today,” observed Lewis enthusiastically.

“Yeah I'll say,” Seb agreed, taking another sip of his drink. “You did well.”

“Thanks. First pole in a while.”

“Mm.”

Lewis considered that he couldn't remember the last time Sebastian had held pole, so he just gave him a nod.

“Race is what counts right?”

“Sure.”

“Um, Lewis,” interrupted his PR minder, hinting that they needed to get on.

“Oh, gotta go, sorry.”

“Sure.”

Lewis was swept into the pen Sebastian had just left and Seb was left standing wondering if he ought to have asked if he was busy later.

“Shall we go?” prompted Britta.

Sebastian perked himself back up.

“Yeah I need that shower.”

Britta smiled and nodded. He certainly looked like it. This place was almost always hot in late July when the race was traditionally held. This weekend was no exception and the paddock was currently stifling. Word was tomorrow was only going to be worse, not that there was anything they could do about that. The cool of the motorhome was calling.

  
  


  
  


Later on that evening Sebastian sat once again on the phone to Mark.

“So what are you up to?” Mark enquired.

“Not much.”

“Is it still hot there?”

“Yeah. It's been boiling.”

“I think it's going to rain here.”

“Oh really?”

“Overnight according to the forecast, so I'm sure we'll be alright for tomorrow,” assured Mark, getting in ahead of any potential worries. “Good start from second, we just need a solid race.”

“You'll go great, I know it.”

“You too.”

“Hmm. The team are going to see what they can do with strategy, but from fifth...”

“Well who knows sweetheart? Lots can happen.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you forgotten you won last time from tenth?”

“No.”

“There we are then.”

Sebastian could argue this was a different track in different conditions, but Mark was right, anything could still happen.

 

“When are you meeting JB?” he checked.

“Um, well I should get going really.”

“Don't have too much fun without me,” instructed Seb, only half joking.

“I won't have any fun darling, we're just getting dinner. Are you not going out?”

“I'll just get room service. I'm pretty wiped out to be honest Liebling.”

“Oh?”

“Just long day that's all. It's tiring when it's so hot in the car.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I might sleep better for it.”

“You never know. Alright well I'd better go sweetheart. Talk to you later?”

“Yep. Say hi to Jenson.”

“Will do. Bye then.”

“Bye Liebling.”

 

Sebastian hung up and puffed a breath. He felt better than before now it was early evening and he sat in clean t-shirt and shorts with the air conditioning on in his room, but it wasn't the same as fresh air. He went to the window and opened it to look out onto the street below. There had been some fans hanging around in front of the hotel earlier, but it seemed they too had plans for the evening as it was clear down there now. Sebastian turned and found his trainers, shoving his feet into them and picking up his key to head down. Moments later he stepped out of the lift, crossed the lobby and wandered out onto the street.

It was a nice area here, tucked away from the busiest parts of the city with their bustling bars and restaurants, but still central with easy access for the circuit not far from the centre of Budapest. Trees lined the road and they lent the street a peaceful atmosphere.

 

With nothing else to do Sebastian strolled down the pavement towards the corner, just taking a little time for himself. It was only half seven so it was light yet, but it felt later somehow. Maybe he'd just get an early night?

There were cars parked all down the other side of the road and as he walked along something caught Seb's eye. He turned and looked over, but there was nothing. Maybe it was was the branches moving, or the light reflecting off a window tricking his mind? He turned back and took a few more strides along, appreciating the cooler evening air. Seb wished he was back home with Mark, just for a few hours. On a day like this they'd take the dogs up the hill and catch the breeze there.

No breeze here. It was a dry, dusty, city kind of heat. If only there was a breeze at the track it wouldn't be so bad, at least when they were out of the car. Instead the sun beat down and the hard surfaces radiated the heat back up to hang dully in the still air. Seb would prefer it if they were back at Silverstone, even if the breeze there really was more like a gale and had nearly scuppered him two weeks ago. Nothing against here, but he'd far rather be racing at home. Sebastian smiled to himself and huffed a little laugh. Of course he would rather be racing at home, because home meant Mark.

He looked sideways again. Maybe someone had just walked past and he'd just been too self-absorbed to notice properly when it had only been in his peripheral vision? His brain was as tired as his body tonight. He had been so pre-occupied lately and it wasn't doing him any favours. He peered over at the trees and cars lining the road opposite and saw nothing. He was clearly imagining things. Then Seb heard a noise and nearly jumped when he realised what it was.

“Hey man.”

Sebastian swung his head around to see none other than Lewis stood right in front of him, his two dogs on leads. It must have been him on the other side before and he just hadn't seen him properly with the cars and trees in the way.

“Oh hey,” greeted Seb.

“What are you doing?” enquired Lewis.

“Hmm? Nothing. Just getting some air. You?”

Lewis grinned and indicated down at the dogs.

“Call of nature.”

“Ah.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Don't you have people to do that kind of thing for you?”

 

Lewis rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Nice to get a moment of normality to be honest.”

“Yeah. Not mobbed on the street corner then?”

Lewis smiled at him teasing.

“Not today.”

They started walking back towards the hotel together.

“You based here too?” asked Lewis.

“Yep.”

“Cool,” nodded Lewis. “Up to much?”

“No. Do you fancy hanging out for a bit?”

“Sure, come on up to my room. These guys need watering and so do I.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Me too mate.”  
  


Behind his sunglasses Lewis raised an eyebrow and smiled.

“Swear you sound like him sometimes.”

“Him?”

“Mark.”

“Ah.”

Sebastian simply smiled and shrugged.

“Maybe he's rubbing off on me?”

“Jeez man, I don't want to know,” grinned Lewis.

The pair of them were laughing as they walked back into their hotel. Sebastian went straight to Lewis's room with him, only pausing to send a text to Mark before distracting himself for an hour or so playing with the dogs whilst he and Lewis got some room service sent up. They ate a little food and chatted about nothing more important than their plans for the summer break, avoiding all talk of the race other than to moan about how stifling hot it was at the track.

  
  


  
  


“So you had a nice evening in the end?” asked Mark.

“Yeah it was funny I ran into him again. I'd been thinking of seeing if he wanted to do something.”

“Why didn't you text him?”

“Dunno. I guess, just caught up with everything. Anyway it was nice to muck about with the dogs.”

“I'm sure.”

“Woke me up a bit really. I'd gone out to get some air but I was feeling a bit spaced out.”

Mark frowned.

“Spaced out?”

“Just tired Liebling. It's been so hot today.”

“You're alright?”

“Yeah course. Fine. I actually feel better now than I did then.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I'm fine Liebling. I think the dogs helped.”

“Well our dogs always help me,” allowed Mark.

“Yeah exactly. They just sort of cheer you up. I get why Lewis brings them.”

“You aren't tempted to bring our boys?”

“Oh, no I don't think so. Can you imagine them in a hotel room? They'd probably tear the place up trapped in there all day.”

“I was joking.”

“Oh.”

“I think you are tired,” noted Mark.

“Yeah I guess. I think it's hitting again now.”

“Are you going to go to bed?”

“I am in bed,” stated Sebastian.

“Ah.”

“Aren't you?”

“Not yet. Shall I call you back?”

“You going to get ready for bed?” Seb checked.

“Yeah that's the idea. Then we can talk properly before getting some kip. Early night's a good plan.”

“Okay.”

“Five minutes.”

 

They hung up and Seb shuffled down further into bed. The covers were thin, but he'd thrown them off onto the floor and merely had a sheet covering him now. It was more comfortable that way, even if it wasn't so hot outside anymore. A few minutes later Mark called him back and they settled into their chat, talking about their days and their friends and how things were looking for tomorrow.

“I think I might really sleep tonight Liebling,” stated Sebastian.

“Yeah?”

“I'm tired.”

“In a good way?”

“Yeah. It's been a busy day.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark thought Seb's voice sounded tired. He knew how heat could add an extra dimension to the effort of driving an F1 car. Sebastian let out a long breath and though it was still not fully dark outside, his eyes were closed and he felt heavy.

“Seb you still there?” checked Mark.

“Hm? Yeah.”

“Okay sweetheart we should get some rest.”

“'kay.” Seb paused. “Mark, don't panic if I don't call you tonight will you?”

“I'm not going to panic,” Mark assured. “If you don't call, you're asleep.”

“Yeah.”

“But you'll keep your promise?”

“I will. So you know, don't you Liebling? If I don't call that means I'm fine.”

“Yeah alright sweetheart, that's the deal.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Sleepy?” asked Mark.

“Yeah.”

Mark smiled. He liked seeing Seb when he was sleepy, all heavily lidded eyes and his features relaxed and soft. He missed him. All Mark wanted to do right now was to hold Seb in his arms and watch those eyes drift shut, to feel his breathing slow and be comforted to know he was asleep and safe. He longed to kiss his temple and rest his cheek down into Seb's hair as he drifted off himself. It didn't feel right to be deprived of that. Mark sighed and reminded himself that they would be back together in twenty-four hours time.

“Night darling. Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling. Night.”

Sebastian only really had time to disconnect the call and put the phone down before his head lolled on the pillow and he was asleep.

  
  


  
  


He woke with a start, his body jumping as it had become accustomed to recently, but then Sebastian opened his eyes. It was light. For a moment he thought he had dropped off only to wake straight away again, but as he checked his phone Sebastian saw that it was morning. The time read 5:47. His alarm wasn't due to go off until half six, but that was okay. Seb dropped back onto the pillow and let out a long breath. A bit early, but this didn't count as waking in the night. He wasn't going to call Mark. He'd let him have his last bit of sleep. It wasn't breaking his promise to call if he woke in the night because this was morning. The light outside proved it.

Seb picked up his phone and typed a message:

SEB: Slept thru. Hope you did too :) Love you

He wasn't going to send it until his alarm went off. It wasn't cheating. He'd explain when he spoke to Mark, but Seb wanted him to be reassured on waking and he _had_ had a good night, so Mark deserved to have one too. He lay thinking things through for the race, going over in his mind the things he had discussed with the engineers and what he would need to do this morning. The time passed surprisingly quickly and soon Seb's alarm went off. He grabbed his phone to silence it and sent the waiting message at the same time. Sebastian half expected a message back, but his phone rang instead so he picked it back up and answered.

“Hello Liebling.”

“Hey sweetheart. That's good then.”

“Yeah. I mean I actually woke up about three-quarters of an hour ago, but that still counts right?”

“Sure. It's good.”

“Did you sleep too?”

“Yeah I did. I know I can trust you.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I love you.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Me too darling. Alright, well we're all set then aren't we?”

“Yep. I'm gonna get a shower and have breakfast, then I'll head down to the circuit early.”

“Got lots to do?”

“Enough, and I can beat the crowds, get there before it's too hot.”

“You could always go to the water park next door.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Perfect preparation for a race.”

“Worth a go,” shrugged Mark.

“Mm, well anyway I'm glad you called. Good luck for today.”

“Thanks. You too. We'll talk again though, yeah?”

“Yeah course.”

“Good. Alright, well I'll let you get on.”

“Okay. Bye Liebling.”

“Later sweetheart.”

Mark set the phone down and smiled. Thank god. He felt so much better for an unbroken night. He didn't blame Seb for the other times, but it did make a difference. Maybe today was going to be a really good day?

  
  


  
  


It seemed no time before Mark and Seb were back on the phone again, actually for the third time that day, but now it was just before Sebastian had to go get into the car. Mark wasn't due in first, so he could watch Seb's start on one of the TVs in the garage where he had persuaded Porsche to keep tuned to the F1 race. He was going to have to pay attention to his own race, but Mark had two eyes, he didn't see why he couldn't keep one on each race.

He'd just made this joke to Sebastian as he stood in the rear part of the garage and Seb was laughing as he leaned back against the partition wall.

“Oh my god Liebling, don't make me laugh like that. It's too hot.”

“Hotter that Silverstone was?”

“Yeah way hotter. Hotter even than yesterday which I didn't think was possible.”

“Is it?”

“Well, not so bad in here. It's boiling out though. God knows how the fans are coping out there.”

“Baking I imagine and no doubt downing plenty of cold tinnies.”

Sebastian huffed another laugh. A cold beer sounded like a lovely idea right now.

“I wouldn't mind one myself,” he commented.

“Ha, right before you get in the car. Very old-school racer.”

“Mm, perhaps not,” conceded Seb. “Has it held off rain with you?”

“Yeah, just grey. Not very summery.”

“Hmm, you can have some of our summer if you like?”

“Yep, send it on over,” agreed Mark. “I've got a hoody on.”

“You're joking? My god Mark. I waited as long as possible before getting changed. If I could do the race in shorts and t-shirt today I would.”

“Old-school again. Not such a good idea though.”

“No. Oh well.”

Seb let out a long sigh.

“Guess I'd better go. You're up second?”

“Yep, so I'll watch your start, then I'll have to hop in the car. Dunno how things will pan out so I've really no idea when I'll be able to call you.”

“It's fine. Call me after your race. I can't find it on TV over here I'm afraid Liebling.”

“That's alright. You've got stuff to do when you finish anyway.”

“Yeah. I'll see if I can keep a check on my phone, but you know what Wi-fi is like in the paddock.”

“I do.”

“When I'm back in my room I'll catch up.”

“Sure. Well don't fret about it. We'll talk when we can. If it's six thirty, it's six thirty.”

“Yeah alright. I'll be about done then too.”

“Good, well there's our fall back.”

“Okay, well good luck.”

“Good luck sweetheart. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Hug?”

“Hug.”

Thirty seconds of closed eyes contemplation and then they knew they had to go. They said their goodbyes and repeated best wishes and then they were gone. Phones away and back to work.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark stood in the garage, breathing out in relief as he saw Sebastian make a decent getaway. Still fifth, but safe in fifth. That would do for now. He turned back to the progress of their own car and caught Jenson grinning at him. Mark could only smile back and Jenson snuck over from the other side of the garage to grab a word with him.

“Seb's alright then?”

“Mm,” agreed Mark.

They turned their attention to seeing how the race was running here, but then Mark's eye caught sight of a pile up in Hungary and he hissed at the sight.

“Back markers,” assured Jenson quickly.

“Yeah. Still messy.”

“Mm.”

They both watched to be assured nobody was hurt, then as the safety car came out at the Hungaroring, they switched to here again to see that their own race had dropped into a steady progression of drivers well aware they had six hours to run before they reached their finish. Mark glanced back at the other television to be reassured he wasn't missing anything then puffed a breath.

“If we could just go on like this all afternoon that would be my life easier.”

Jenson gave a sideways tip of his head.

“No complaints from me mate, we're in the lead.”

Mark nodded.

“Mm, good point. Alright, well until I get in the car then.”

“We'll see mate, we'll see,” teased Jenson.

  
  


Sebastian sat in the train of cars at the Hungaroring wasn't quite so content. He had been chasing up close on fourth then when things were called off. Maybe he could jump on the restart, but even with the track this hot the tyres would be cooling on their slower laps and the longer it went on the worse it would get. He sighed as it was eight full laps later that he finally got the call that the safety car was coming in next lap and they would have the restart he needed. It seemed to have taken forever. He made no complaint over the radio though, concentrating instead on trying to work out where everyone might be at the restart and what his chances were against the Williams of Bottas in front.

As soon as they were released Sebastian stuck his foot down, but Valtteri had done the same and though he tried to stick a nose alongside to try to force the issue it was no go. If he went there Seb knew was going to get squeezed out and that would be the end of his race and quite possibly the cause of another safety car. Seb knew you had to be careful here, so he dropped back, tried on the next corner, but no room there either. Damn.

  
  


JB shook his head at Mark, both of them watching the screen.

“Hungary's a bugger to overtake on,” commented Jenson.

“Mm.”

“Might be better when they get DRS.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

  
  


It wasn't to be though. Sebastian tried his hardest for the next half dozen laps, but then the call came through that he was in danger of destroying his tyres and he knew he had to accept things and fall to a safe distance back to allow clean air to flow over the car. Seb knew there was still a chance he could try things with their pit-stops and see if they could leapfrog ahead there.

  
  


Time passed and Mark resumed focussing on his own race. He was due in the car before too long so he had to be up to speed. The other Porsche remained in the lead, but Brendon was close behind. There was still plenty of opportunity in this and Mark knew he had to leave Seb to get on. He could look after himself. It was hardly as if Mark could have any influence from this far away anyway. As the time approached for him to get ready to be in the car Mark was just watching the pit-stops in Hungary play through and trying to work out where Seb's real place was now, given who had pitted and who hadn't. Third? Was it third or fourth? Better than fifth anyway, so that was something.

“I'll keep an eye on him,” offered Jenson.

“Hmm?” replied Mark, his eyes still forwards.

“I'm up third. I'll keep an eye on the F1, on Seb.”

“Oh. Yeah thanks mate.”

Jenson nodded.

“That Williams stop was too long. He's gonna come out in fifth now.”

“Yeah?”

Mark watched and sure enough Bottas returned to track in fifth place meaning Sebastian held a decent fourth place with a secure gap. That felt alright. He nodded at Jenson and gave him a pat on the arm.

“Thanks. Right, gotta go.”

“Good luck.”

Mark flicked his eyebrows.

“Just not better luck than your car?” he teased.

“Hey I didn't say that.”

“Hmm,” smiled Mark. “Righto, thanks.”

He fixed on his HANS device and helmet whilst getting a few extra words from the engineers to prepare himself, then Mark went to stand by the entrance to the garage, giving his last thought to Seb before he had to totally shut that out and race himself.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quelle surprise, another two-parter...


	153. Running Hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've had a thoroughly horrible day and a prospect of another tomorrow, so I'm posting a chapter to try to cheer myself up.

* * *

  
  


In Hungary Sebastian was doing his best to chase his team-mate in third, but Daniel was a good way down the track and he had quite a few lapped cars to get past despite several of them wiping themselves out at the start. There might be blue flags showing, but even with the best will in the world a driver had to get himself into a place where he could be out of the way to allow a leading car to pass safely and every time that happened it slowed Seb down. He was making some headway, but it was frustrating and inside the car felt like an oven today which hardly made things any easier.

When they got to their second pit-stops Seb took the opportunity to flip his visor partly open as he drove slowly into the pitlane at the prescribed speed. The air was still hot and stank of fuel, burnt-off oil, and a dozen other unnatural substances being used in all the garages, but with the motion of driving along the air did at least flow over his sweaty skin and it felt nice for the moment or two he could do it. Then he was on his way out again, visor back in place and Seb's eyes on the road ahead.

The team had naturally pitted his team-mate first seeing as he was leading and thus there was only the slightest chance Seb might have done a fast enough in-lap to scoot ahead and leap-frog him as Dan fought through traffic, but as he pulled back on track Sebastian saw the other blue car shooting around the next bend and he knew Dan was still ahead. Seb took a calming breath and got back on task: push on, keep it tidy, see what you can do.

  
  


Mark was similarly making less headway than he would like. He was doing a decent pace, but with the same car ahead they were doing much the same so, the two cars ran in tandem and Mark knew he might have to accept that only mechanical issues might hand them the race today.

 

Sebastian continued with his laps, trying to eat into Daniel's gap with each one. His engineer came on once or twice to ask him to cool it just a fraction, but Seb was still making progress. There were still fifteen laps to go and the sister car was really close now, almost in touching distance. Seb tried to get by with DRS on the straight, but Daniel had DRS from the car in front so they ran at almost identical speeds and though Seb tried to jink inside he ran out of road and had to fall in.

It went on and Seb tried various ways to get by, everything in the book, undercut, round the outside, sell the dummy, nothing. Of course it didn't help that being in the same team their engineers had all the same information, so they knew on Dan's side of the garage what Seb's side were trying to do. Sebastian also had the added complication of knowing that he couldn't crash into his team-mate or cause _him_ to crash. Not that he wanted to with any driver, but he'd be for the high jump with Dr Marko if he did and Seb knew from experience that that wasn't fun.

Another three laps and he knew he was pretty much out of options unless he got lucky and someone ahead had an issue. Sebastian wondered if he had brought it on himself by wishing ill on another when the radio came through in his ear.

“Seb we have a minor hydraulics issue. You're going to need to cool things.”

Sebastian spared the one thought for Mark, hoping he wasn't listening to something he knew would worry him immensely.

“How minor?” he asked as calmly as possible.

“So far, nothing major but it's affecting cooling.”  
  
  


Sebastian sighed, knowing that this was being heard by the whole pitlane, thus making him appear a newly vulnerable target for anyone behind.

“Anything else?”

“Not so far. Not brakes. Okay?”

Even in the moment Sebastian heard something in the way they his engineer sounded so measured as he said that, deliberately making sure not to alarm him.

“Right, okay,” Seb replied, hoping he sounded just as professional.

A few more coded exchanges came though dropping hints at what was required to balance things going forwards and Sebastian knew he had no choice but to obey. He watched Daniel stretch further away and worked hard just to keep himself doing what he needed. The weird thing was he couldn't feel anything wrong with the car. Just as the engineer promised, the brakes were fine and for the sake of his family Sebastian made a point of saying so over the radio, hoping that FOM would broadcast it on TV so they would hear he was okay.

“It really feels fine you know,” he offered again.

“Yeah, readings are just on the edge though Seb.”

“Okay.”

“Is your drink working?”

“Hm? Oh.”

Sebastian tried to take a drink through the straw fed into his cowl under the helmet. Hydraulics in the car really meant everything of that nature. It wasn't just a bottle tucked in the side he sucked up for himself. It needed hydraulic power to feed it through.

“Ah, no. Only that so far as I can tell though,” he reported.

“Okay.”

He'd barely thought about his drink supply until now. It was just one of those natural things you did whilst racing. Today it had been horrible and hot anyway, sickly tasting, but now he was deprived of it Seb noticed its absence. Not far to go though, less than ten laps. If that was the worst of it he might be okay.

  
  


Within a few laps though the team were back on, warning that he had to hold back and Sebastian was struck by how he had capitalised on Rosberg suffering mechanical issues in the last race only for it to happen to him this time around. Not precisely the same problem. His car wasn't crippled, but you never wanted to have to drive an F1 with caution at the forefront of your mind. It wasn't how it was supposed to work. Sebastian was a racer and his instinct was to put his foot down and go as fast as he could.

Not today though. If didn't want to find out what would happen if he overdid it. No doubt an ignominious pull up on the side of the track with a smoking car Seb guessed. Fourth was a damn sight better than a DNF, so he kept going, walking the knife edge as best he could, but with each and every lap he was falling further back into the clutches of Bottas behind him.

With three laps to go the Williams lined him up on the straight, opened the DRS and Seb was powerless to stop him shooting by to retake his position. He swore inside his helmet, but there was nothing to be done.

“Sorry guys,” he apologised.

“Seb, just keep things steady. We're nearly there.”

Sebastian frowned, thinking that they ought to be more concerned with the fact he had just lost a place, but that message made it sound as though they were going to be grateful to reach the finish.

“Is everything okay?” he checked.

“Just running hot.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh. They weren't kidding.

“I feel like a roast chicken already,” he remarked.

He meant it to cheer them up when they sounded tense, but Seb was trying distract himself as well when he was feeling pretty tense now himself. His mouth was dry and the car really was boiling. He just needed the end to come. _Fifth_. He'd take fifth. It was better than nothing.

  
  


 

In the garage in Germany Jenson was chuckling at Seb's radio message as FOM played it out for the amusement of the watching masses. He wished Mark was stood here with him rather than in the car, as Jenson thought he would appreciate that one himself, but he was on his own for now. He'd just watch out the last few laps to get the result, then Jenson decided he would get down to business ready for his own stint. He could leave the message about how Seb finished for someone to pass on to Mark if their stints overlapped.

 

 

Sebastian wasn't laughing. He was working hard to get around the track in one piece, navigating back markers and taking in technical reports whilst asking for information on who was in sixth to be sure he wasn't going to lose another place. Just two laps now.

“If you can just stay in cool air I think we're okay,” reported his engineer.

Sebastian was tempted to say he'd love some cool air and ask them if he should just take the car up to Scotland to race it there instead, but he held back the sarcastic remark, knowing that his temper was fraying along with the car. One more lap. Just one more bloody lap and he'd be done.

 

By the time he crossed the line Seb's heart was pounding. Christian came on the radio having just congratulated Daniel on his podium place.

“Well done Seb. That was close.”

Sebastian continued on his cool down lap feeling no cooler than he had during the race. He wondered how close he had come to really running into trouble with his car giving out. His boss's voice seemed to indicate that it was a pretty near run thing. He puffed out a long breath and let half the field pass him as Seb crawled the car back around to the pits, pulling up in Parc Fermé to get out feeling more grateful in a while that he was doing so. As soon as he was weighed and checked he was met by Britta who took his helmet and passed him a drink.

“Oh thank god,” sighed Sebastian, rapidly taking it to suck down as much heavenly cool liquid down as possible.

“You look pink,” observed Britta.

“I feel like a bloody lobster that's escaped the pot.”

Britta laughed.

“I thought you said you were a chicken?”

Seb took another gulp of drink, then smiled.

“I'm cooked through either way. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.”

“Nearly done. We've got to do the pen first.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded.

 

They stopped off at the garage briefly to deposit his helmet and Sebastian took the opportunity to rearrange his clothing so he could at least undo his race-suit and wrap the arms around his waist. Christian came over quickly, looking quite pink himself.

“You did well,” he praised.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah I thought we were a goner there.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“You didn't give me that little motivational speech on the radio.”

“No, well... Anyway we got decent points and you managed the issue.”

“What was it?”

Christian shrugged.

“Things overheating, and a part went. It wasn't main hydraulics, just a sub-set we think. They'll have to look her over to check.”

“I guess I ran too long in dirty air.”

“Mm, maybe, they'll find out and we'll see in the debrief. You did well to get what you could today. Anyway, I've got to dash, I want to see Dan on the podium.”

“Sure.”

With a nod Christian was gone and Seb was left reflecting that perhaps a podium for him had never really been a realistic prospect this weekend. He had got what he could. Time to tell the media that, only with a smile added for effect.

  
  


 

 

Sebastian did his duty in the pen, though he actually felt worse out here, stood in this hot concrete environment under direct sunlight. He wore his cap and sunglasses, but today they only felt like extra weight. Seb's sunglasses kept slipping on the bridge of his noses where sweat formed, and his forehead was so wet he had to wipe it several times whilst attempting to talk to people. Seb did his best to smile and make clear that he had done his best under difficult circumstances without sounding too annoyed that all his efforts hadn't come to much, but the truth was he was longing to get out of there, back to the air-cooled motorhome and a nice cold shower.

Even with his race-suit half off his Nomex under-shirt was clinging to his back soaked in sweat. It felt cloying and horrible and he longed to rip it off altogether, though Seb suspected that would provide the cameras surrounding him with a shot they had not been expecting. He moved to the next interview and smiled again as he told them it just hadn't been his day and yeah it really was hot wasn't it?

As he walked to the next corner to face more microphones Sebastian felt as though his legs, which were still covered by two layers, the outer of which was his fire-proof race-suit, were wrapped in a duvet. He gave Lee a smile as he stood in front of her.

“You look hot,” she smiled.

“I feel hot,” rejoined Seb, giving his forehead another swipe.

She asked him a few questions about the race and the issues he had suffered in the car, but Sebastian could only shrug.

“I dunno, they'll look and see. I'm not sure that it was all that serious, but we just couldn't risk it. We got decent points when we could have got nothing, so I'll take that.”

“It must be frustrating to have fought so hard for position all afternoon only to lose it again?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Yeah, but it is what it is. The car was overheating. To be honest Lee, I feel that way myself so I sympathise with her.”

“Her?”

“The car,” clarified Seb.

Lee laughed and signed off, allowing him to walk away. Seb kept the smile in place, but inside his heart was now going almost as fast as it had in the race. Too hot. Too bloody hot. He took another drink and noticed that even in this short amount of time his drinks bottle had warmed up. It was still wet though, better than nothing.

 

Seb did the last few compulsory interviews with key media players, then gave the signal to Britta and she called it a day. She led them back through the paddock towards the RedBull base, though rather than going via the crowded main straight, they tucked inside the trucks behind the garages. Here things were a little quieter, just team members working, going back and forth carrying equipment, already packing away.

“You okay?” checked Britta as they walked.

“Just too hot,” admitted Seb.

They walked along and Seb found his pace slowing almost like the car had in the race as his body reacted by doing the same things needed to calm down internally. His heart was really pounding. Sebastian pulled off his cap and handed it to Britta, feeling as if it was only trapping in more heat. Even his head was too hot. It didn't feel right. Nothing felt right. He went to take another drink from his bottle and realised it was now empty. Seb knew he really needed to cool down, _now_. His breathing had gone shallow and that instinctively scared him, so Sebastian worked to breathe more regularly or he knew his heart would only start beating even faster.

They were nearing the garage. He could stop in there, get another drink, maybe sit down? Seb needed the air-conditioning. He just needed to step inside for a minute to cool off. They were right outside the garage now. Seb paused and turned to Britta walking alongside him. He was too hot, far too hot. His insides were boiling and Seb suddenly felt so horribly nauseous he thought he might be sick. He felt all wrong. He was losing control and Sebastian didn't like this feeling one bit.

“Britta. I think...”

Seb closed his eyes for a second to compose himself so he could complete the sentence.

“ _Seb?”_

Britta's voice was high-pitched and far away.

 

  
  


 

  
  


“Seb look at me.”

“Huh?” mumbled Sebastian, still not sure if opening his eyes was a good idea. He felt very strange and disconnected.

“Seb can you look at me?” repeated the firm voice.

Sebastian felt so hazy. Where was he? Who was that talking? It certainly wasn't Britta. It was a man. He opened his eyes to stare blearily at him. They weren't outside. Where were they?

“Seb?”

Sebastian turned his head slightly and tried to refocus. That was a different man to the first. Britta was there, so was someone else though. It was him who had spoken the second time, sounding worried. Seb blinked and stared out, trying to take things in. Oh god, it was his boss.

“Christian?” frowned Seb.

Christian puffed a breath.

“Jesus, don't do that to us Seb.”

“Do what?”

Christian looked to Dr Phillips who was still appraising Seb with concern. He slowly came to realise that they were in the rear part of the garage and Seb wondered why he hadn't known that immediately. It was cooler inside thank god. Seb didn't remember coming in here though and that scared him.

“What happened?” he enquired, his voice still not quite sounding his own.

“You fainted.”

Sebastian looked at Britta now who was knelt down with the other two. She looked even more worried than they did.

“No I didn't.”

Christian shook his head and almost laughed.

“Britta says you did and I choose to believe her seeing as she had to lug you in here. Good job you're so light.”

Seb felt worse at that. Had he really fainted? He didn't remember and that was even more worrying. His body felt awful, so heavy inside. There was a wet towel around his neck and it was dripping down his back. Everything felt so strange and the light in here seemed weird in contrast to the startlingly bright sunshine outside.

“Your legs just kind of gave out,” explained Britta. “You closed your eyes and you just dropped. I caught hold of you.” She looked to the doctor. “He didn't fall, I mean he didn't land on the floor or anything.”

“He didn't hit his head?”

“No, he just sort of went weak and I hauled him in here. Good job we were passing. He was still... I mean he sort of walked a bit, but not properly. He didn't go out cold. I wasn't carrying him, just sort of supporting him. He was just kind of out of it.”

The doctor nodded.

“I sat him against the wall, then got you guys,” completed Britta.

 

Someone came through from the main garage and Christian whipped around to glare at them.

“Go away,” he snapped, causing the transgressor to disappear as fast as he could.

 

Sebastian blinked and felt as though his head was swaying. Was it swaying? Was that why they were all looking at him this way?

“I think I just need to sit down,” he let out uncertainly.

All three of them looked alarmed at that.

“Seb you _are_ sat down,” informed the doctor, leaning in closer from where he knelt at his side. He put his hand under Seb's chin and held him in position while he looked into his eyes. The pupils were still dilated and his expression vague.

“I think we should take him to medical,” proposed the doctor.

“No I'm fine.”

Christian let out something between a laugh and a sigh.

“Christ Seb, you're not fine.”

“I just need to close my eyes.”

Sebastian tried to do that, but the doctor was there, still holding on to him.

“No, Seb look at me. Don't close your eyes.”

A part of Sebastian's brain clocked that it had been the doctor saying that before. He must have been checking up on him.

 

“I'm okay.”

Christian looked upwards in despair. Why were racing drivers such stubborn creatures?

“You're not. Do as you're told Sebi.”

Christian's voice was firm and Sebastian looked at him, still trying to focus. It was as though he was being told off by a parent or a teacher in school. Seb felt the doctor's hands go either side of his face and wanted to tell him to let go. He frowned, but now his mouth didn't seem to be working. All the blood was still moving around his body too quickly. He breathed slowly, wishing he could close his eyes, lie down maybe?

The doctor studied him for a moment, then took his pulse again as he had when he had been called though a minute ago. Way too fast. He puffed a breath.

“He needs fluids and his core body temperature lowering.”

“There's bottled water in the fridge,” stated Christian.

“Yeah. Have we got another towel? Oh and ice-packs, grab some of those.”

“I'll get it,” offered Britta jumping up to go where she had grabbed the first one from.

 

Sebastian could do nothing but sit there being fussed over. His body still felt so strange. It was tingling now and he realised belatedly that his head was leaning against the wall even though it had felt as though it was floating before. Britta reappeared with as many water bottles as she could carry wrapped in a spare clean towel, ice-packs balanced on top. As she ducked down she handed them to the doctor who moved Seb's arms to lay them on top of his thighs, setting ice-packs around his wrists and tucking a third into the towel around his neck.

“Okay, just sit still like that,” instructed the doctor. “One moment.”

He stepped away with one bottle and the spare towel, disappearing outside for a second to pour the water over the towel, then returned to the group inside. He instructed Christian to sit Seb forwards a moment while the doctor wrapped the wet towel around Sebastian's back and tucked it around his arms. He picked up the bottle and Sebastian realised he was about to feed it to him as if he was a baby.

“No I can do it.”

The doctor paused, then nodded, lifting away the icepack from his right wrist and leaving it on his leg to keep cooling wherever he could. Seb hated feeling as though his body was being controlled by somebody else, but he still didn't really feel capable of controlling it himself yet, so he had to trust that the doctor knew what he was doing and submit to his care.

“Can you drink it, or do you need help?” checked the doctor.

Sebastian frowned at them. Of course he could drink it. He lifted the bottle to his mouth and tried to hide what an effort it was. The water was really cold straight from the fridge. It felt nice as it trickled down his throat. Sebastian stared at the bottle as he rested it on his leg and watched the condensation run down the outside thinking it might be nice if he just tipped it over himself. Maybe he should have done that in the pen?

 

Christian stood up from where he had been watching him and went to fetch a couple of trusted team members. He set one outside where the garage met the paddock and one just inside the main garage, each with strict instructions that nobody was to come through unless the building was on fire. As one of the mechanics was walked through the rear garage to do as requested, he glanced towards Seb and opened his mouth, but one look from his boss and he shut it again. Ask no questions.

Christian returned to the trio on the floor and looked to Seb who was still slowly taking sips of his water between deep breaths under instruction from Dr Phillips who was monitoring him.

“Should we put a cold towel on his head?” wondered Christian.

The doctor shook his head.

“No, core body.”

He felt Sebastian's forehead, then nodded.

“The head will cool itself as the blood flows, we'd just give him a headache.”

“So do we need to take him to medical?” asked Christian.

 

The doctor paused and looked at Sebastian, then started running through more checks, shining his little penlight into his eyes and asking questions to assess Seb's responses. Sebastian could do nothing but sit there and answer them. He thought he did okay other than the fact that when the doctor asked him again what he remembered happening Seb could give them nothing other than he'd felt too hot outside and then jumped to being here. When the doctor had been fetched and came through to find Sebastian slumped against the wall he had nearly panicked himself, but as he ducked down it was to see that Seb's eyes were at least partly open, if unfocussed. It had been as Seb closed them again that Dr Phillips began to really worry. At least he seemed cogent now, though clearly not okay.

Dr Phillips nodded.

“Yeah I think to be on the safe side we should take him down. He's dehydrated as well as overheated,” he diagnosed. “Best thing might be to get more fluid into him intravenously.”

“I'm okay,” protested Sebastian. “It's just the drink in the car and then, all that concrete out there, the heat was bouncing off it and I just got... I just had a moment.”

The doctor gave him a firm look.

“Let me be the doctor.”

Dr Phillips looked to Britta once more.

“Did his whole body go limp?”

“Just for a second I think.”

“Hmm.”

“He did reopen his eyes, but he wasn't focussed and he just sort of mumbled at me.”

“Right. Seb how do you feel now? No bravado, just be honest.”

Sebastian sighed and gave in.

“A bit hazy I guess.”

 

The doctor turned to Christian and gave him a nod. Christian nodded back and looked to Seb.

“Alright Sebi we're just gonna stick on the cautious side. Do you want me to call Mark?”

“What time is it?” asked Seb.

Christian frowned at what seemed like a random question.

“No Seb, do you want me to call Mark for you?” he said more slowly.

Sebastian took in a breath and looked at his boss feeling more alert now his body was cooling and starting to rebalance itself.

“No I mean what time is it? He's racing.”

“Oh. Oh I see. Umm...” Christian checked his watch. “It's quarter to four.”

“No he's still racing then.”

“I think he'd want to know.”

“I'm alright now. I just had a moment.”

Christian sighed. Bloody racing drivers. He knew why Seb didn't want to worry Mark if he was still in the middle of his race though. He wouldn't much want Seb receiving that kind of news if he was about to step into the car. An hour or so probably wouldn't make that much difference.

 

Sebastian could still feel his heart beating pretty hard but he wasn't about to say so. He wished Mark was here really. He'd probably be having his own meltdown right now, but at least he'd give him a hug. He could use a hug. Sebastian didn't want to admit that he really was a little unnerved by what had happened, especially at how foggy his mind was on what actually _had_ happened. Seb wanted to lean into Mark's side and rest his head on Mark's shoulder feeling his arm safely around him. He'd feel better then. He really wanted to close his eyes but apparently that wasn't allowed.

He looked down and frowned as he noticed for the first time that he was only sat in his race underclothes. His sweat-soaked race-suit was in a pile to the side and Seb hoped it was the doctor that had taken that off, not Britta. In all honesty he could still do with peeling the rest off, but he wasn't about to suggest that here.

Christian took in a deep breath.

“Okay I think I might get a message to Antti, get him to come and walk down with you.”

Sebastian didn't want any more fuss, but he wasn't in a position to argue. He looked to his boss.

“Could you ask him to grab some things from my room? My t-shirt and shorts in there and stuff, they're on my bed,” requested Seb awkwardly.

His boss looked at him, wondering if Seb was quite up to walking anywhere, but he nodded.

“Sure. Give me a minute.”

 

Christian got up and left to go through to patch through a call from the garage to the motorhome where Seb's trainer sat unawares. While he was gone Britta shook her head at Sebastian.

“You scared the life out of me.”

“Sorry.”

“Why didn't you say you felt ill?”

Sebastian sighed.

“I was just about to say we should come in here a minute.”

“Oh, I see. Well, never mind. How do you feel now?”

Seb glanced at the doctor then back at Britta. They were making him go to medical anyway.

“Pretty crappy,” he admitted.

“Ah Seb,” she sighed.

“I'm alright,” Seb pulled back.

Britta shook her head and gave the doctor a look who merely gave her a hint of rolled eyes in return.

 

Christian returned and not long after Antti appeared bearing Seb's bag, having sprinted the few yards down the paddock to get here. He dumped the bag down and looked at Sebastian as he crouched by him, frowning.

“Did you not have your post-race drink?”

“I gave it to him,” defended Britta.

“I drank it,” Sebastian insisted.

“Hmm.”

“His drinks supply was cut off in the car. Too hot, long race, combination of factors,” reeled off the doctor.

“Hmm,” frowned Antti again.

Sebastian wanted to ask what that was contributing, but then his trainer had at least brought his stuff. Seb opened the bag whilst Antti consulted with Doc Phillips and checked he had what he needed.

“I will come with you to the medical centre,” announced Antti, already giving him one of his sports drinks to consume along with the chilled water.

“Fine,” sighed Seb. “Can I get changed first? I'm not walking past everyone in leggings.”

Christian smiled and nodded.

“Can you stand?”

“Umm.”

“We can give you a hand,” offered the doctor.

“Britta could you, um?”

“I'll just step out shall I?” she suggested.

Christian nodded and Britta went to stand just outside the garage, looking at the spot where her driver had given her minor heart failure five minutes earlier. When she returned Seb was still sat on the floor, but now wearing t-shirt, shorts and trainers and actually looking rather better for it. Sebastian felt stupid for having to be helped and even more so as his trainer took the opportunity to give him a quick wipe down with the damp towel, although that had at least swept away the horrible sweat on his skin and the coolness allowed him to feel as if his skin was properly breathing now he was in looser shorts and t-shirt.

 

Dr. Phillips and Antti took an elbow each and levered him off the floor to stand. Sebastian said nothing and neither did they, but they gave him a moment to reorientate himself before tentatively loosening their grip to see if he could stand on his own.

“I'm alright,” he assured them.

Seb still felt a bit wobbly, but he looked out at the assembled group.

“I'm fine. Do I really need to go to medical?”

“Just as a precaution,” stated Christian.

“Wouldn't a shower and just a lie down..?”

“Doctor's orders Seb,” interrupted his boss.

“Fine.”

Britta gathered up his bag and went through to the garage to get a few more of Seb's belongings before rejoining them.

“I'll go with them,” she asserted.

“Sure,” agreed Christian. “I'll be along in a bit. Call me if you need to.”

Sebastian wanted to say they were all making far too much fuss, but it clearly was a waste of time.

“Are you sure you don't want me to call your family?”

“No I'll be fine. I'll ring them later.” He looked to Britta. “Um, people don't know do they?”

“I don't think so. I just had a quick look at things.”

  
Sebastian wondered what that meant, but she had her ways of keeping on top of all relevant information that was flowing. Britta herself suspected that if a couple of the team here knew then it might leak out as gossip, but that would take a while. The TV crews were all finishing up and the media readying to post their reports and head home, so hopefully they'd be okay.

“Right then, you know where you're going?” checked Christian.

“I know,” assured Dr Phillips.

“Okay, well feel better Seb, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

“You're sure you're okay to walk down there?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright then. I'll catch you up. Britta, please ring my phone if you need to.”

“Sure,” nodded Britta, still mostly looking at Seb to see how he was. Not great in her opinion. Why the hell hadn't she realised he was in real trouble sooner damnit?

 

Sebastian traipsed back down the paddock, still sticking to the inside nearest the garages to avoid too many onlookers. He was flanked either side by trainer and doctor, Britta carrying his bag. He could feel them all looking at him, checking to see that they ought not to be holding onto him as he walked, so Sebastian tried to show them he was okay, even if he really didn't feel wonderful to have walked back out into this wall of heat. He continued to drink from a fresh drinks bottle and Antti had re-soaked the rolled towel around his neck with cold water, so that was something.

By the time they reached the medical centre Sebastian didn't want to say he was actually quite keen to sit down. He got his wish, though the doctor there insisted on him lying down on an examination bed while the team doctor ran through things with him to appraise him of the situation whilst he began his own assessment. At least it was air-conditioned in here so it felt nice and cool which helped. Seb stared at the white tiled ceiling and allowed himself to be examined all over again, repeating his reassurances while his heart was listened to, blood-pressure measured, his temperature taken and his eyes scrutinized again. The doctor wasn't English, but he spoke it immaculately which did at least make things easier. Sebastian lay back on the angled-up bed and answered yet more questions before they seemed satisfied.

“Okay,” commented the medical centre doctor.

“Okay?” asked Seb. “I can go?”

“No,” frowned the doctor as if that was an unlikely event. “Okay we'll just get some fluids in to rehydrate you.”

Sebastian obediently laid his arm out and let them fix in the drip, grimacing at it being inserted. Britta looked sympathetic but Antti appeared unmoved. Sebastian pouted at him.

“I'm suffering here,” he complained.

Antti looked to Dr. Phillips.

“He is whining. He is feeling better.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes at his trainer's blunt attitude to things. At least they had decided against insisting on giving him oxygen and fixing any heart monitors on, so Seb knew he had to be basically alright. The centre doctor had his stethoscope on his chest again though. Sebastian could hardly be bothered to listen to what they were saying. He was tired now. He looked to Dr Phillips who was talking to the other doctor.

“Can I just close my eyes for a bit Doc?” requested Sebastian.

Dr Phillips looked to the other doctor then nodded.

“Yes I think so.”

“Just rest and you will feel better,” assured the other doctor.

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian sighed. He caught sight of Britta in the background and thought she still looked worried, but his main thought was what Mark was going to say. He closed his eyes and decided to put off worrying about that for now. Mark was still probably driving the car. He'd explain later.

  
  


  
  


At the Nurburgring Mark was actually out of the car having completed his longer stint at the wheel. He'd done his follow up with the team and now he had managed to find someone who had not only been spoken to by Jenson, but caught the end himself.

“So fifth then?” checked Mark.

“Yes it seemed there was a problem with the hydraulics.”

“The hydraulics?” worried Mark.

“Yes, JB said to say you're not to worry about it seeing as he's obviously fine and out of the car.”

“Did you see that bit?”

The man laughed and shook his head.

“I didn't really watch, but they were all doing their interviews, so the car made it back around after.”

“And you saw Seb?”

The mechanic gave a little shake of his head at Mark fretting.

“Yes I saw him. I didn't hear what he was saying, but he was on screen.”

“Oh right.” Mark nodded and felt himself calm down. “Well, okay thanks. If anyone asks I'm just going to step out back a moment.”

 

Mark went to find his bag stashed at the back and got his phone to take it outside. As he found a place to sit down he glanced at the message from his parents congratulating him on a decent stint, and looked to see if there might be something from Seb. Nothing though. Mark looked at the time. They were into the last part of the race now, he wasn't likely to be called to retake the wheel. Mark glanced back to the garage then pressed dial.

  
  


  
  


In Hungary a muffled ringing noise broke out in the medical room and Sebastian reopened his eyes to see Britta searching in his bag to find his phone. She pulled it out and looked at the doctors.

“Um, it's Mark, his husband,” she explained. “Can he take it?”

The medical centre doctor paused.

“Well strictly speaking no, but I suppose there's no electronic equipment on, nobody else in... Yes okay.”

Britta passed the phone over and Seb looked at them.

“Could I just have a minute?”

The other occupants of the room filed out and Seb pressed accept on the call before biting his lip as he raised the phone to his ear.

“Um, hi Liebling.”

“Hi sweetheart, are you busy?”

“No not really.”

Mark frowned, reading something in his tone.

“Everything alright?”

Sebastian looked at his surroundings, the stark, almost empty medical room with only equipment around, including the drip beside the bed which was unpleasantly attached to him.

“Erm, sort of.”

“Sort of? I heard you had a bit of trouble with the car.”

“Yeah.”

“Well as long as you're alright. You finished fifth yeah?”

“Mm.”

“Seb?” frowned Mark, hearing something unsaid.

Sebastian sighed.

“Okay, umm so Liebling don't panic.”

 

Mark had stood up from where he had found a place to perch, thinking that comment was _most_ likely to induce panic in him.

“What? What is it?”

“I'm fine. I'm really fine,” hurried Seb.

“What's happened. Was it the car? They said you finished the race.”

“I did and I'm alright. Just, okay...” Sebastian braced himself. “It's really hot here Liebling and after the race I wasn't feeling too well.”

“You're not well?”

“I'm okay. It was just so hot in the pen and in the car before and um, the drink kind of cut out so, um, yeah, okay so don't freak out.”

“Seb, oh my god, what is it?”

“I sort of, after the pen I was coming back, and I sort of got a bit faint.”

Sebastian closed his eyes, half worrying at Mark's reaction, half feeling stupid that it had happened at all.

 

“You fainted?” gasped Mark, his heart flipping at the news.

“I'm fine. I just had a moment. I was with Britta and I just got overheated and I guess a bit dehydrated. We were by the garage so she took me inside and yeah, I'm okay.”

“Christ Seb, did you pass out?”

“Um, no. I don't think so.”

“You don't think so?” challenged Mark. “What does that mean?”

Sebastian pouted.

“I don't know. I just I felt ill, and we were outside and then we were inside and I was sat down.”

“And you don't know what happened in-between?”

“I... No. I'm sorry. I guess I must have shut down a bit. Maybe I did pass out? I don't know Liebling, I'm sorry.”

 

Mark sighed and closed his eyes. He hated that Seb sounded upset now.

“No I'm sorry sweetheart. Just as long as you're okay now though?”

“Yeah.”

“Britta was with you?”

“Yeah I didn't fall over or anything. I just, I don't know really, but not great. I think... I just closed my eyes and then I think she helped me inside. We were right outside the garage and then Doc Phillips and Christian were there.”

Mark rubbed a hand over his hair, trying to keep calm though he felt nothing like it.

“But you don't remember?”

“I don't know. I don't know Liebling, okay?”

“Okay, okay alright,” soothed Mark.

“It can't have been long. I just phased out I think. I overheated.”

“Yeah, okay. You definitely didn't hit your head?”

“No Mark I didn't go down. Britta said she walked me through, so it was just a blip.”

 

Mark took a settling breath. It still alarmed him that Seb didn't remember, but it wasn't fair to press him if he was confused. It would only upset him more. He sat back down heavily on the pile of tyres and sighed.

“Okay, what happened after that then? The doc checked you out, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you feel ill in the car?”

“No it was only after.”

“Alright,” accepted Mark. “So the doctor says you're okay?”

“Well he said dehydrated and too hot. I felt like I was boiling over in the pen and when I walked back it overtook me and got too much. It was just a moment, but yeah, I'm okay.”

Mark nodded, knowing when Seb ran on it was because he was unsettled.

“It wasn't anything else?” he checked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I mean it was just the heat? Not anything else... not... you didn't have an attack or anything?”

“No Mark I was just too hot. I mean, okay, I guess my heart was racing a bit, but I was dehydrated, the doctor said so.”

“Alright, I just wanted to be sure. So you've cooled down now?”

“Yeah.”

“And I guess they gave you water and stuff?”

“Yes of course. They looked after me and I'm feeling better. He did all the checks, you know, asking me questions and stuff and I'm okay. It was just at first I felt a bit disorientated, but it passed.”

Mark didn't like the sound of him being disorientated at all, but he'd seen Seb when he'd passed out too many times unfortunately and he knew how he got. What Seb needed was reassurance and if that was all Mark could do over the phone then he should do it.

“Good. Good okay, so where are you now? Are you in your room?”

 

Sebastian scrunched his face, knowing Mark was going to hate this.

“Um, no... I'm at the medical centre,” he confessed anxiously.

Mark looked up at the grey sky above, trying to keep himself in check.

“ _Seb_.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Jesus, you don't tell me that first?”

“I'm sorry Liebling.”

“Why didn't you call me?”

“Your race is still on.”

“ _Seb_.” Mark sighed in despair. “I thought you said you were okay?”

“I am okay. It's only a precaution. They're just fussing.”

Mark tried to take a settling breath. Medical centre? That meant Seb _wasn't_ fine.

“What did the doctor there say?” enquired Mark with a steady voice.

“The same thing. I'm just lying down having a rest now.”

“That's all?”

“Umm, and they put a drip in.”

 

Mark put his head into one hand. He wanted to yell at Seb for not telling him that before, but he was ill and for all he kept insisting he was okay, he obviously wasn't and every extra detail worried the hell out of him. Mark lifted back up and took a deep breath.

“A drip?” he repeated, keeping his voice as calm as possible.

“Yeah, just... I guess to be really sure I've got fluids back in my system, but I feel better now, really Mark. I've had two doctors and Antti check me over and I'm just having a rest so I'll be fine. I walked over here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright.” Mark puffed a breath. “Someone should have called me sweetheart.”

“I told them you were racing.”

“Yeah but...”

“What would they do, radio it through?”

“Seb.”

“I was going to call you when I knew it was over. Six thirty like we said.”

Mark pushed out a long slow breath.

“Okay.”

“I was going to tell you Liebling, just after your race. I promise.”

“Alright. I'm not saying you wouldn't,” assuaged Mark. “It's just, ah sweetheart, I can't believe you fainted.”

“It's just so hot.”

“Yeah. Yeah ah hell. I'm sorry darling. That must have been horrible,” he sympathised.

 

Sebastian pouted. He'd felt on the defensive before, but now Mark had got past his initial shock and was being sympathetic, Seb felt suddenly far more emotional. He swallowed and wished Mark was there with him.

“Seb?” pressed Mark, worrying at the line going quiet.

“Yeah...” Seb sighed. “It was a bit scary.”

“I'm sure.”

“It just overwhelmed me. I think if I could have gone straight back to my room after the race and had a cold shower and a drink I would have been okay.”

Mark sighed.

“Why did Britta take you to the pen?”

“Because it's what you do.”

“Not if you're ill.”

“I didn't feel so bad then. It was only as things went on it got worse and sort of caught up with me. It was so hot in the pen, all that concrete and people and I don't know, it got too much.”

“Didn't you have a drink?”

“I did, it's just I think because the drink in the car stopped.”

“While you're stuck there sweating away in the car driving, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“Didn't they know the drink wasn't working?”

“Yeah they did, but it was just part of a bigger problem.”

 

Mark wanted to argue that the team should have taken responsibility for checking him out right after the race, but he knew how crazy the period just after F1 races finished were.

“I thought if I could just get through that stuff then I'd be okay when I got a break,” asserted Seb.

“Yeah.”

“I think they're just over-compensating a bit now to be sure. I've cooled down and I've had lots of liquids.”

“Well as long as you're feeling better.”

“Yeah.” Seb paused he shouldn't say this, but he couldn't help it. “I wish you were here Liebling.”

“Ah sweetheart, so do I,” concurred Mark. “I should be there looking after you.”

“Can I have a virtual hug?”

Mark sighed.

“Yes of course darling. Close your eyes. I'm right there with you. My arms are around you and I don't want to let go.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and absorbed Mark's voice.

“That feels nice,” he replied quietly.

“Yeah? Good. I wish I was there to give you a real hug.”

“Me too. I'll see you tonight though.”

“They're going to release you?”

“Um, well yeah. I don't know how long they want me to stay, maybe till this bag is empty.”

“What bag?”

“The drip bag.”

“Oh.”

Mark didn't like that visual.

“Is the doctor there?”

“I asked them to wait outside while I spoke to you.”

“Can I speak to them?”

Sebastian paused. The drip attached to his arm made going to fetch anyone rather tricky.

“Um, I'll have to give him a shout. Hang on.”

 

Seb pressed mute on the phone, then looked towards the door which was only set to rather than closed. He felt pretty stupid, but all he could do was call out.

“Hello?”

The doctor appeared in the doorway and walked over looking concerned.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, fine, just... Any chance you could have a quick word with my husband? He's fretting. Can you just tell him I'm okay so he doesn't worry?”

The others had returned to the room as well, looking to be sure there wasn't a problem. As Seb handed over his phone to the doctor Britta returned to looking at her own phone, trying to keep on top of things. The medical centre doctor wandered over to the side of the room and Sebastian couldn't quite hear what he was saying to Mark, but then Dr Phillips came to stand with him.

 

“Seb we've been having a chat and we think we ought to just run a few extra checks to be sure.”

“What do you mean?”

“A CT scan. They have a mobile one here.”

“Oh what? No I don't need that.”

“Seb you have a blank.”

“No I just...” Seb trailed off, unable to deny it.

“In the circumstances we're not going to risk it.”

“The circumstances?”

“Your accident last year. Your concussion?”

“Yes Doc I've not forgotten that,” reposted Seb. “I didn't hit my head today.”

“No but we just want to be certain everything is fine before we can sign you off, okay?”

Sebastian puffed and lay back feeling defeated. Dr Phillips leaned over him a little.

“Do you have a headache at all?”

Seb sighed and looked at him.

“Is that a yes?” pressed the doctor.

“I dunno. A bit maybe,” he conceded.

Seb could feel the pressure building behind his temples. He was too familiar with headaches not to know when one was approaching.

“Right, we're doing a scan.”

Sebastian looked over to the other doctor who was clearly being interrogated by Mark on the phone.

“Can you ask him to pass me the phone so I can tell Mark?” he requested.

“Of course.”

 

Seb got the phone back.

“Hi Liebling.”

“The doctor says you collapsed.”

Sebastian sighed, thinking that doctor hadn't been there at the time, but then he had no memory of it to counter that report.

“I just had a wobbly moment.”

Mark shook his head, but Sebastian ploughed on, knowing he needed to tell him as calmly as possible.

“Okay Liebling so just to be extra, _extra_ sure I'm completely fine, they want to do a CT scan.”

 

The phone went quiet and Seb knew Mark was trying to stop himself from panicking.

“Liebling it's just a precaution. I didn't hit my head. Don't freak out.”

“I'm not freaking out,” countered Mark.

“Aren't you?”

Mark puffed, trying to stay calm. He wasn't though. A CT scan? Christ. Even the words terrified him. He pushed out another careful breath to continue speaking to Seb.

“Alright I might be a bit. You're sure it's just a precaution?”

“Yes Liebling. Then they can be absolutely certain there's nothing extra to worry about.”

Mark nodded.

“I suppose they've got to cover themselves,” he allowed.

“Exactly. Honestly Liebling I've felt far worse than this before.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Darling that's not really a positive, but... okay, so they'll run the scan and you'll call me back?”

“Aren't you still in the race?”

“Oh my god Seb, sod the race.”

“Mark.”

Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart I did a long stint, they won't need me back in the car, we're near the end now.”

“Okay.”

“I should be there with you,” worried Mark. “Maybe if I can get a flight? Or perhaps if we got the plane to nip back for me that would be quicker?”

“Mark there's no point. By the time your race is over I should be on my way to you. I'm sure they won't keep me.”

“I meant now.”

Seb frowned.

“You can't just walk out mid-race,” he protested.

“You watch me.”

“No Mark. I'm fine. This test won't show anything, I promise.”

“How can you promise?” sighed Mark.

“Because I know I'm okay. Really Liebling I know it sounds bad and you're worrying, but they'll just do this test and then you won't need to worry.”

Mark let out a long breath.

“Are they doing it now?”

“As soon as they set it up. They've got a mobile scanner here apparently.”

“Right. Okay so it'll be quick then?”

“Yeah I'm sure they want to get it done right away.”

“You'll call me as soon as it's done?”

“Of course I will. I'm really fine Liebling. They'll do the test and we can all be sure there's absolutely nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah alright.”

“I'm sorry to worry you,” apologised Seb.

“Ah no darling don't be sorry. I just want you to be okay.”

“I will be. I am. It's fine. I'll call you back as soon as I can and you won't need to worry any more.”

 

Mark shook his head thinking that until he was _with_ Seb, not worrying wasn't going to be possible, but he accepted that the medical team probably were covering their bases. They wouldn't want to be sued if a driver left the circuit and developed a problem they had missed and Dr Phillips was probably as paranoid as he was when it came to Seb.

“Alright sweetheart, well just let them do whatever they need to. I wish I could get there to be with you.”

“That's okay.”

“Well it's not really, but I suppose it'd take me a good couple of hours even if I left right now.”

“You don't need to come,” assured Seb. “They'll just do the check and I'm sure they'll release me to meet you and we can go home.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I'll call you back as soon as I can Liebling.”

“Sure.”

“How's your race going?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Oh darling that hardly matters.”

“It does. I've not had chance to check.”

 _No, because you were too busy keeling over,_ thought Mark.

“Um, last I checked we were still in second.”

“Oh that's great Liebling.”

“Thanks. Okay, so you'll call me back?”

“Yes.”

“I love you sweetheart.”

“I love you too Liebling. Don't worry, I'm really fine.”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark, praying that was true. “Do you need to go so they they can get on with the test?”

“I guess.”

“Okay, I'll let you go then. I'll speak to you soon, feel better.”

“I will. I'll be fine, alright?”

“Alright darling. I'm sure you will. Just let the doctors take care of you.”

“Okay.Bye then Liebling.”

“Bye sweetheart. I love you.”

“Love you too. I'm sorry I didn't call earlier.”

“Doesn't matter now. Just call me back, yeah?”

“Yeah I will.”

“Bye then.”

“Bye.”

 

Mark ended the call and dropped his head into his hands. He closed his eyes wishing he could magic himself to Hungary to be with Seb so he could see he was really alright. Seb was always going to say he was fine. Then again Mark knew he was the same. If they ran every check then he supposed there was at least no risk anything was being left undetected. Mark sat up and took a deep breath to calm himself thinking it was a very good thing he wasn't due in the car again when he would be in no state to concentrate on driving. He left it another moment before getting up and walking back into the garage. He checked all was still going as before in the race, then Jenson bounded over, having done his own stint now. He smiled at Mark.

“Did someone tell you about Seb?” checked Jenson.

“About Seb?”

“Yeah, that he finished okay? Fifth in the end, they had some issues, but... Mark? What is it?” frowned Jenson reading his stony expression.

Mark sighed and rubbed his face, then indicated to the back of the garage out of the way.

 

“What's up?” asked Jenson.

“He collapsed.”

“What? Oh my god.”

“Yeah. After the race.” Mark puffed a long breath. “I spoke to him and he says he's okay, it was just the heat and the drink supply going in the car, but...”

“But you're still worried.”

“He's down at the medical centre getting checked over. They've got a bloody drip in him and they're doing a CT scan.”

“Oh Jesus Mark, no wonder you're worried.”

Mark let out a sigh that came out more shakily than he expected. Jenson shook his head and put a hand on his arm.

“Are you okay?” he checked.

“Me?” frowned Mark, “I'm only worrying about him. I mean he says he's okay and I suppose they're just covering all their bases.”

Jenson nodded, guessing Mark was trying to reassure himself and that was what he needed to do for him too.

 

“At least you spoke to him, right?” offered Jenson.

“Yeah.”

“So he must be pretty much okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm not trying to make light of it.”

“No of course you're not. I'm just...”

Mark puffed and Jenson nodded.

“Course you're worried mate. Do you need to get there?”

Mark shrugged and shook his head.

“I guess as long as the scan is clear and he gets the release it'll actually be quicker for him to get here. He's got the plane on stand-by over there.”

“Oh right, of course. I'm sure it will be.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark was wondering whether he ought to have told the doctor that Sebastian had nearly fainted a week earlier, but he supposed it had been a different issue. Mark knew Seb would have said nothing about it. Surely it had to be a contributing factor? Lack of sleep, not eating properly or even bloody at all half the time. Maybe he shouldn't have let him go racing this weekend? Then again it wasn't up to him to 'let' Seb do anything. Seb did what he chose to and Mark knew there was no way he would have told the team he wouldn't race.

Maybe it really was just the damn heat and the stupid car having a fault? God, if only he'd been there. Mark was sure if he had been there he would have seen Seb was in trouble before anyone else did. He ought to be there now looking after him. He should be with him going for that horrible CT scan. Would he be scared? Mark didn't want Seb to be scared and alone facing that, but then Seb had sounded reasonably okay over the phone so maybe Mark was the one who was most scared.

Mark closed his eyes for a second trying to stop worrying over-running him. He let out a little sigh, wondering how someone who could be so tough could be so vulnerable at the same time. Normally Seb's fitness was such that it wasn't an issue in racing, but at least they were making every check, so Mark knew he would have to accept things were okay if the doctors said so. Assuming they _did_ say so.

  
  


  
  


  
  


In Hungary Sebastian was on the phone to his family while the scan was set up on the other side of the building. Seb was doing his best to reassure them when their reaction was as anxious as Mark's had been. By the time he got off the phone he saw Christian had arrived and was talking to Britta. He came over and gave Seb a smile.

“Alright then Sebi?”

“Yeah. Did they say? They just want to do a scan to be certain it's nothing.”

“Mm.”

“I'm sure it is,” asserted Seb.

“Sure it is what?”

“Nothing.”

“Oh, yeah I'm sure. Okay, well best to be certain. Was that your family you were talking to?”

“Yeah.”

“And you've spoken to Mark?”

“Yeah he was freaking out a bit.”

“Mm,” nodded Christian, not in the least surprised to hear it. “Well okay, we think we ought to put a statement out.”

“A statement?”

“From the team, just to explain you're having a few checks as a precaution.” Christian glanced back. “Apparently there's a few rumours going about. I suspect you were seen coming here, so it's best we knock them on the head.”

 

A corner of Seb's mind still wanted to make a joke that it was a good job he hadn't knocked _his_ head, but he didn't have the energy for jokes right now and besides Sebastian guessed his boss wasn't in the mood for them.

“Oh right.”

“We'll just say you got a bit dehydrated and were brought here for checks. Combination of extreme heat and the problem with your drink in the car, for which we're all really sorry by the way.”

“Course. Alright, um Christian you're not going to say I fainted are you?”

“No I think we'll leave out that detail.”

“I didn't really faint,” tried Seb.

Christian rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Just get your checks and we'll sort the statement. As long as you've spoken to your family.”

“Yep.”

“Alright then.”

 

Christian stood with Britta outside while she composed the brief statement to release using nothing but her iPhone while Sebastian let himself to be taken to his scan. He lay back while the machine worked, trying not to get too unnerved by the experience, though he wished Mark was there to hold his hand. Poor Mark. Seb knew he must be worried. All he could think about was getting this over with so he could assure him the scan of his brain was clear. It didn't even occur to Seb to actually worry the scan might not be.

  
  


 

 

In Germany Mark stood on the podium, politely accepting his trophy and standing with his team-mates on the second spot. He found it hard to care about it though and Mark struggled to find a smile for the cameras when he was riddled with worry for Seb and wished with all his heart that he could beam himself right to Hungary. As they stepped down Jenson leaned over and gave Mark's arm a pat, which to the crowd looked like consolation for beating him in the race, but in truth had nothing to do with that.

Mark had spoken briefly to his boss once the race was over and explained the situation, so Andreas excused him media duties and allowed him to do what he needed to. Thus Mark now sat on the phone to Seb back at the base, sighing with relief to hear that the scan had indeed been clear and that he was going to be released once they had given him a final look over.

“So I'm fine, alright Liebling?” assured Sebastian again, having already said so twice on getting through to him. “Absolutely nothing on the scan to worry about and I do feel much better now.”

Mark nodded, still trying to press down his worries, but wanting to sound calm for Seb.

“Yep. Okay well good. I'm very glad to hear it.”

“Christian says I don't have to bother with the debrief, so I can just get my stuff and go.”

“Alright. Will you be okay on the plane?”

“Yeah course I will. I had a little headache earlier, but that was just because I was dehydrated.”

“You've got a headache?”

“Mark I just told you the scan showed nothing.”

“Alright.”

“I'm fine now. I'm so hydrated I swear I'm going to be peeing all the way home.”

Mark coughed an unexpected laugh.

“Yeah alright darling. If that's the worst of it we should be grateful.”

“Yeah. Oh um, the team put a statement out.”

“Did they?”

“Just saying I got checked out because I was dehydrated. You know apparently it peaked at forty degrees here today, over fifty on track.”

“Hm, yeah well we'll keep the plane nice and cool, yes darling?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Maybe Britta should travel with you?”

“No she's got media stuff to do.”

“About this?”

“I guess. I think she just wants to smooth everything over.”

“Yeah alright.”

“I'll be fine. Anyway I won't really on my own will I? There's the crew onboard.”

“Yes I suppose that's true,” Mark conceded.

“To be honest Liebling I feel like I really ought to spend more time with the team, but Christian says they've done the debrief now and there's no point.”

“I'm sure he's more concerned about you. You don't need to worry about any of that.”

“I guess. Anyway they can catch me up at the next race.”

 

Mark sighed as he thought how that was only a week away. At least he'd be there for that one though. Seb's family would probably be glad to see him too.

“Sure. Alright sweetheart well I've got some finishing up to do here but I should be in plenty of time to meet you. Did they give you anything for the headache?”

“The doctor gave me some paracetamol after the scan. It's not so bad. I'm sure it'll have gone by the time I leave.”

Mark didn't like that that meant Sebastian was admitting he still actually did have a headache, but making a fuss wasn't going to help either of them.

“Yeah okay. Well I'll see you soon.”

“Yeah. Sorry for giving you a scare.”

“Not your fault sweetheart. What did you say the track temp was?”

“I think they said fifty-two degrees.”

“Bloody hell. Cook an egg on that.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking he'd felt as though you could cook an egg on him earlier, but if Mark was making jokes then things were definitely better.

“I'll be glad to see you,” offered Seb.

“Me too. Love you darling.”

“Love you too.”

Mark closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall of his room where he sat in the Porsche base. He kept them closed as he took deep breaths to calm his whirling brain from worrying. Mark hadn't wanted to sound as scared as he had been to Seb on the phone and of course it was a huge relief to hear that the scans were clear, but it was torture to be so far away, trying not to imagine the worst no matter how much Seb had tried to reassure him.

  
  


 

  
  


It was anxious hours before Mark stepped onto their plane. The steward was busy sorting out his luggage and Mark would normally have been more polite, but today he rushed on with barely a hello to see Seb up out of his seat. He shot over and wrapped his arms around him before they had even exchanged a word. He wanted to squeeze Seb so tight, but Mark kept the hold gentle, just glad to have him close at last. Mark breathed out as he held on and Seb had to pull away a fraction to look at him.

“I'm fine Liebling.”

Mark nodded and sighed out in relief before giving him a kiss.

“You're sure? How's your head, do you still have a headache?”

“No the paracetamol worked.”

“It hasn't felt worse on the plane?”

“No really Liebling. I'm okay. I'm just a bit tired, but I'll be completely fine, the doctors said so.”

“Thank god.”

Mark let out a calming breath, knowing he was fretting when Seb was right there in front of him, seeming at least reasonably okay. Surely the doctors wouldn't have released him if they had any doubts? He gave him a tight smile as he looked Seb over, then nodded. Mark was convinced Sebastian looked a little pale, but he knew that might be his imagination.

“Let's sit down, eh sweetheart?”

“Sure.”

 

Mark sat down beside Sebastian, still looking closely at him, then gave him another hug. There was a tiny polite cough in the background and they both looked up to see the steward who had finished stowing all Mark's things away.

“Um, Mr Vettel-Webber, welcome again. Are we all set?”

Mark smiled, thinking that they were both actually Mr Vettel-Webber, but he knew he was the one being addressed.

“Sure. We're just keen to get home today aren't we sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

“Right then, I'll let the pilot know. Seatbelts if you don't mind and then once we're up if there's anything I can get you?”

“I'm fine. Seb?”

Sebastian indicated one of the several restorative drinks his trainer had supplied him with plus an extra bottle of water from the plane and Mark gave a nod.

“No we're all good. Thank you.”

  
  


Once they had taken off they undid their seatbelts and Sebastian leaned into Mark as he had wanted to earlier. Mark fitted one arm around his back, then the other around Seb's front to envelop him as Sebastian rested his head just below Mark's shoulder. Mark sighed and stroked over Seb's arm.

“You kill me sweetheart.”

“I'm sorry,” whispered Seb.

He angled his head up to look at him and Mark gave a little shake of his head before dipping in to kiss him. Mark gave him a consoling smile then lowered his forehead back in to rest it by Seb's, their noses lying together. He didn't lift away.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the cheeriest of chapters seeing as it's meant to be cheering me up, but if anyone wanted to stop by to say hello that would be nice... (not sounding needy at all here).


	154. Down Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's really too late on a Sunday night to be posting a chapter, but never mind, guess a few people might have time to read it ahead of a new week.

* * *

  
  


 

Both Mark and Seb were very grateful to get home on the Sunday night. Sebastian felt the need to call his family to let them know they were back safe, though he tried to keep it short, just telling them that he really felt fine and was going to go straight to bed. His brother wanted to ask more questions, but his parents let Sebastian go, reading the tiredness in his voice. They felt better now that he was back with Mark, Heike commenting after they put the phone down that she didn't think the problem would have happened in the first place if Mark had been there in Hungary with Seb. It might not be entirely logical, but Norbert knew what she meant. At least they could console themselves that they would see their son in a few days time and then they could all keep an eye on him.

Mark sent his own family messages to let them know they were home rather than calling. He had managed to speak to them while he waited for Seb to arrive in their plane to collect him, so Mark justified that he had done enough to reassure them, though in truth both his parents and his sister had spent a fair proportion of those phone-calls feeling as though they were the ones reassuring Mark. Once Seb had finished his call Mark could see he was fit for nothing but bed so they went up.

 

 

  
  


They slept in the next day. In itself that wasn't unusual given that they were frequently tired after race weekends, but this Monday morning Seb could hardly lift his head off his pillow. Dr Phillips last words to him before he let him leave the circuit had been to get as much rest as possible and Sebastian really didn't need persuading right now.

Mark was trying not to fuss too much over him, but he did actually manage to get Seb to accept his offer to bring up breakfast in bed, even if they were pushing the limits of what might still be defined as breakfast time by this point. Mark let the dogs come with him as he brought up the tray and once they had finished eating and he had moved things out of the way, he indicated up and the dogs leapt onto the bed to settle onto the duvet around their legs as Mark and Sebastian sat sipping their mugs of tea.

Sebastian leaned into Mark's side as they both rested back on piled pillows and let out the longest sigh.

“Is terrible if I say this is really nice Liebling?” he asked.

Mark tipped his head around to look at him and shook his head.

“Why would it be terrible?”

“I dunno, I guess, well I still feel tired, but it's nice that you're spoiling me.”

“I want to spoil you. You need a bit of looking after,” insisted Mark.

“Yeah but it's always you doing the looking after.”

“No it's not.”

“Lately.”

“Well maybe. Not always though.”

“I guess.”

 

Mark fitted his arm around Seb and gave him a little squeeze.

“I like looking after you. I feel bad enough I wasn't yesterday.”

“Liebling you were racing.”

“Still.”

“No _still,”_ countered Sebastian. “You were racing, I was racing. It's fine.”

“Hmm.”

Sebastian looked up at him and Mark knew he was being given the full blue eye treatment, so Seb had to be reasonably okay.

“Alright sweetheart, just let me look after you a bit today to make me feel better.”

Sebastian smiled.

“It'll make me feel better too Liebling I promise. I'm not being ungrateful.”

“Course not. Maybe I can pre-book a fuss being made of me in future?”

“I.O.U?” asked Seb.

“Yeah. Maybe for my birthday?”

“We're in Spa.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry Liebling. You can have an official birthday like I did?”

“Yeah alright.”

“Pick a time we're home and I'll make big fuss over you,” promised Seb.

“Breakfast in bed with the dogs?”

“Anything you like Liebling.”

“Mm, now there's a promise,” smiled Mark.

“I'll do anything you want that makes you happy.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“That's the sort of promise that can get you in trouble.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No it's not. Not with you.”

“No darling, I'm only teasing.”

“I know.”

Mark gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Good. We'll have to check the calendar and find a time when we're home to call my birthday.”

“Sure. We need to make a fuss of it anyway seeing as it's your fortieth,” pointed out Seb.

Mark pulled a face and Sebastian gave him a sympathetic pout.

“Poor Liebling, are you not liking that?”

“Not so much,” Mark admitted.

“Okay well we don't need to think about that if you don't want to. Just that it's your birthday.”

“Alright darling. Don't worry too much about it though. The barbecue kind of counts.”

“Yeah of course it does. It's nice all our family and friends will be there for it. They can all say happy birthday.”

 

Mark smiled and shook his head thinking that their friends would no doubt enjoy teasing him no end for reaching forty, but it would still be good to have them all gathered together.

“Well it's still really for us getting married,” he pointed out.

“It can be both though,” insisted Seb.

“Sure, if you like.”

“We can have some special time for your birthday when it's just us as well,” assured Sebastian.

“That does sound promising.”

“Mmm.”

Sebastian sighed and rested more into Mark, his body still feeling tired even if his mind was more alert than it had been. The dogs were warm as they rested into their legs but it felt like an effort to even sit up to give them a stroke. They seemed happy though. Being allowed here was a treat for them too. Their whole funny little family piling in for a bit of comforting togetherness this morning. Seb still wasn't feeling up to making too much of a fuss of them, but it was nice that they were there. It felt so nice and cosy. As he lay nicely pressed into Mark, the dogs in turn pressed into them, Sebastian took a moment to remind himself that he ought to appreciate how lucky he was to have this. There was a part of him that couldn't let go of wanting more, but if they never got the chance to adopt this was still more than he could have dreamed of.

  
  


After a while of sitting contentedly as they were, Mark's phone on the side buzzed and he put down his mug to pick it up, sighing as he read the message. Seb frowned and looked at him.

“What's the matter?”

“It's Pauline asking if you're okay.”

“Why is that bad?” enquired Sebastian.

“It's not. It's nice of her, but...” Mark puffed a little breath. “I didn't actually tell her.”

“Tell her?”

“About yesterday. I mean I guess I might if I saw her, but I didn't send her a text or anything. She's asking if we want her to bob round and take out the dogs if you're not feeling too good.”

Sebastian was still trying to catch up as to why Pauline being her usual kind and considerate self was a bad thing, then it hit him.

“Oh. So how did she know?”

“Yeah,” replied Mark heavily.

“You think it made the papers?”

“I fear so.”

 

Sebastian sighed and put his tea down to reach for his own phone which he had left on silent to the side. There was a message from Jess on behalf of him and Jenson as well as one from Lewis, both checking he was okay and another from Britta asking him to call her when he got a moment. There was a missed call from work as well and Sebastian heart sank slightly.

“Britta wants me to call her.”

“Right.”

“I suppose I should do it now, I think that might have been her calling from work.”

Mark nodded and Sebastian pressed dial.

  
  


“Hi Seb, how're you doing?” greeted Britta.

“Um, yeah not too bad, just resting really.”

“Sure.”

“I'm sorry I missed your call,” apologised Seb.

“I didn't call. I presumed you needed a lie in.”

“Oh. Hmm, well someone called from the team. I don't suppose you know who it is?”

“No, sorry.”

“I suppose it might have been Christian.”

“Or maybe Doc Phillips,” suggested Britta. “I'm sure they'll ring you back if it's important. If I see them I'll mention it.”

“Are you in work?”

“Yeah. Sorry to disturb you, but I thought it was best if we spoke.”

“Right, so...” Sebastian paused. “We're guessing there's stuff in the press about yesterday.”

“Mm I'm afraid so Seb,” confirmed Britta. “Bit of sensationalism mixed in with those actually reporting our statement.”

“Saying?”

Britta sighed.

“Just that you were taken ill in the sweltering heat. They don't have that you collapsed.”

“Right,” accepted Seb, wanting to argue that he hadn't _actually_ collapsed, but he wasn't really on strong ground arguing with Britta seeing as she had memories of it that he lacked.

“Sorry Seb but we had to put that you went to the medical centre seeing as people saw you.”

“Sure, I guess.”

“It's nothing major Seb, not the front pages, just some back pages making a bit of a fuss. They like a drama.”

“Mm.”

“At least we missed the TV stuff seeing as they'd finished broadcasting by then, but it still made the print deadlines.”

“I see.”

“They're weirdly keen on the detail with the weather. British press mainly, they always seem excited by that sort of thing.”

Sebastian frowned, wondering why that was, but he supposed it made easy headlines for them.

“Are they linking it to last year?” he enquired. “I mean, you know, my accident.”

“A few are. Mostly it's more tenuous, just suggesting that we were being extra cautious given that, which I guess we were.”

“Right. Okay... well.”

“I'm doing the rounds setting them straight,” assured Britta.

“Thanks.”

“It's my job Seb. I'm sure it's a one day story, bit of gossip online, but it'll fizzle out.”

“What gossip?”

“Just more of the same mostly,” Britta reported, thinking it best not to mention some of the more extreme sections of the internet which seemed to be delighting in conspiracy theories that Sebastian had suffered a relapse similar to that he'd had last September when he had been rushed back into the hospital after trying to come home. She wasn't going to give oxygen to such people seeing as Britta was certain that no sane person believed such rubbish.

 

“Right, okay.”

“I'm handling it Seb.”

“I know you are.”

“It should have blown over by next weekend.”

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian, not all that keen to be reminded that in a few days he would have to be swept back into the paddock once more when in truth he wished it was the summer break now.

“You don't need to worry about it,” reassured Britta. “I just didn't want you stumbling over anything.”

“Yeah okay. Alright, well I guess if you're on top of it.”

“I'm doing my best.”

“Of course you are. You always do, thank you.”

Britta hid a sigh, already resolving to stomp on the media extra-hard the minute she got to Hockenheim to make sure this didn't flare back up there. She didn't want Seb being sent off course going into another race.

 

“Just put it out of your mind Seb, it's just puff, nobody actually has any details beyond what we released.”

“Okay.”

“You are feeling alright aren't you?”

“Yeah sure. Mark's looking after me.”

Britta smiled.

“Of course he is. Say hello for me...” Britta paused. “Seb I'm really sorry about yesterday. I should have seen you weren't well.”

“It's okay.”

“It's not. I should have paid more attention and prevented it.”

“You didn't make the weather.”

“No but...”

“Or break the drinks bottle in the car.”

“Seb it's my job to look after you and I let you down.”

“Britta, don't be silly. I didn't tell you I was feeling ill, or at least not soon enough.”

 

Sebastian caught Mark giving him a look and shrugged at him guessing how this call was going.

“Alright,” agreed Britta. “Anyway I'm glad you're doing better and Mark's there. Forget this media stuff, it's nothing major to worry about.”

“Okay.”

“It's only secondary story type stuff. I just wanted you to be aware.”

“Alright well now I am.”

“Yep. I shouldn't need to contact you before Thursday, so just take it as read that it's sorted,” asserted Britta, a familiar firmness in her voice.

“If you say so.”

“I do. Just concentrate on resting up.”

Sebastian huffed a dry little laugh.

“Are you the doctor now?”

“Well that's what he said isn't it?”

“Yeah I guess it is. Alright, well thanks.”

“I'll see you in a couple of days. Thanks for calling me back.”

“Sure. No problem. See you then.”

 

Sebastian signed off and looked to Mark, giving him a brief précis of the side of the call that he hadn't heard. Mark sighed much as Seb had, but they both knew there was nothing they could do about it.

“She says she's doing her best to sort it,” assured Sebastian.

“Yeah I guess that's what she does.”

Seb looked at him.

“You're not annoyed with her are you Liebling?”

Mark didn't answer so Sebastian shook his head.

“Yesterday wasn't her fault. We were all hot.”

“Yes but she hadn't been stuck in a car racing for two hours with no drink.”

“It wasn't for two hours.”

“That's not really the point.”

Seb gave Mark a look.

“Liebling I didn't tell her I wasn't feeling right. I mean I tried to, but it was too late by then.”

 

Mark nodded, knowing that was almost to be expected of Seb. Admitting problems, even to Britta, wasn't something he willingly did.

“Alright.”

“She did say sorry.”

“Yeah.” Mark sighed. “I'm sure you gave her a hell of a fright.”

“Mm.”

“Ah well. She's right I suppose, we have to just put it out of our minds.”

“She didn't say it was big headlines or anything.”

“No well that's something. Alright let's forget it.”

“I'm not going to look at any of it.”

“Of course not.”

 

Mark pushed his annoyance at the media capitalising on Seb's misfortune once again away and decided to shut all that nonsense out. He was supposed to be helping Seb feel better, not arguing about things. He distracted himself by reaching out to give the dogs a rub and they responded by trying shift themselves further up the bed.

Mark gave them a shake of his head.

“No you don't.”

“I think they're trying to get between us,” noted Seb.

“Can't have that. Go on, don't push your luck boys, lie down where you are,” Mark instructed.

The dogs slumped back down in place further down the bed, though it still made a furrow between Mark and Sebastian's legs.

“Maybe they're jealous?” suggested Sebastian.

Mark set his other arm around Seb's front to envelop him completely and pretended to narrow his eyes at the dogs.

“You can't come between us,” he warned.

Sebastian smiled and leaned more into him.

“Course they can't. I think they just want to be part of us snuggling up.”

Mark laughed, thinking that might sound slightly odd out of context.

“Yeah maybe darling. Shall I ask Pauline if she doesn't mind taking them out?”

“Oh no don't send them away,” protested Seb.

“I didn't mean right now. I just meant for them to go for a walk if we're having a rest.”

“I might feel more like taking them later.”

“Hmm.”

“I'm not ill Liebling.”

“The doctor says you have to rest,” insisted Mark.

Sebastian turned his head into Mark's.

“Are you not going to let me out of bed?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Tempting as that notion is darling, I just meant we should take it easy.”

“Yeah okay, but... I don't know Liebling, nothing against Pauline, but I think I'd rather it was just us today.”

“Fair enough.”

“Us and the dogs that is.”

“I don't suppose we'll be rid of them.”

“You don't really want to be rid of them.”

“No I suppose I don't,” agreed Mark. “Okay, well we'll see how we go. They can always have a run around outside.”

“Yeah. I'll reply to her,” offered Seb. “I don't want Pauline worrying.”

 

Sebastian picked his phone back up to send Pauline a message to reassure her that he was fine and to ignore any rubbish she might have seen in the papers. He got a message back almost immediately from her saying she was very glad to hear it, but if they needed anything to give her a shout. Seb looked to Mark.

“I think she's still fretting a bit.”

“Mm, well you do have that affect on people. Anyway, we'll see her tomorrow won't we?”

“Yeah okay. I'm just gonna reply to a few people and then we can relax, okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian sent replies to the texts on his phone, then decisively put it onto the side before leaning back into Mark.

“There we go, done. I'm all yours.”

“Good,” smiled Mark, fitting his arm back around him. “Just the way I like it.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


Although they had no intention of doing anything before midday, Sebastian's phone kept distracting him. First with a call from his boss checking up on him, then the team doctor doing the same. Sebastian suspected it might be because Britta had spoken to them, though Mark thought it ought to be their duty anyway. Neither of them said that they had been the one to call earlier though which perplexed Seb, but he wasn't going to spend time chasing up on it. As Britta had said, if it was important then whoever it was would try again.

Having been disturbed by the calls, Sebastian didn't feel that there was much point trying to hole up in bed anymore and he felt like some fresh air, so they got up and did as Mark suggested, just letting the dogs run around while they sat outside. The weather was pleasant for a British summer but it bore no comparison to the heat of Budapest, so Seb felt much more comfortable in the cooler air with the sunshine merely a cheery addition rather than cooking everything in sight including himself. He made a similar joke to Mark, but Mark wasn't much in the mood for joking about it. As they sat together Seb turned to look at him.

“Mark I really am sorry about yesterday.”

Mark shook his head.

“Darling you don't need to be sorry.”

“No but I know it must have been horrible for you.”

“For you too.”

“Hmm, I guess. I think worry is worse.”

Mark could only shrug and Seb reached to take his hand.

“I should have asked Christian to call you right away.”

“Well you weren't really on top form at that point sweetheart. I'm not going to hold against you.”

Sebastian squashed his face, feeling guilty. It had been a conscious decision even if he hadn't been feeling well at the time.

“I don't know Liebling. He did ask and I didn't want to worry you when you were racing.”

“Mm, alright well let's forget it. All that matters is that you're okay.”

“I promise not to do it again,” offered Seb.

“Promise not to keel over?”

“Well, I guess that would be good, but I mean to put off telling you. It isn't fair when I know I would want to know as soon as possible if anything ever happened to you.”

Mark puffed out a breath and nodded.

“Yeah okay. Thank you. Same applies, although let's hope we don't need to, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark paused, not wanting to make today a difficult one, but he couldn't keep himself from pushing just a little further.

“Sweetheart.”

“Yeah?”

Mark paused again, but he had to say this.

“Listen, you didn't say anything to the doctors about you nearly fainting the week before as well did you?”

“Mark that was totally different,” argued Seb.

“Well yes and no. You did nearly go over and it's not the first time.”

“That's different,” Seb insisted.

“Is it though?”

“Yes.”

Mark shook his head.

“If you'd said something to Doc Phillips earlier in the week about not feeling too good he might have known to keep a closer eye on you.”

Sebastian looked down and Mark felt bad for upsetting him.

“Darling I know you don't like to show weakness to the team.”

“Mark I've never had anything at a race before. Those other things... the circumstances are completely different.”

“Yeah but they can have an impact,” insisted Mark. “If there's something and it leads into a race weekend.”

“I'm normally fine. It's just Hungary was so hot and with the car...” Seb looked at Mark appealing to him. “Please Liebling, I don't want to tell them about the other stuff.”

“Not them, just the doc.”

“I can't though. I can't tell him without telling him why.”

“Couldn't you though? Doesn't he have to keep things confidential?”

Sebastian sighed.

“If it's health related to when I've been racing he'd be compelled to feed it upwards I'm sure. Can you imagine how Helmut would react?”

 

Mark sighed with him. He had no doubt that Dr. Marko would show a distinct lack of sympathy as he tended to in most matters. Sebastian continued to look at him, pressing his point.

“Liebling you drove with a broken shoulder and you didn't tell them.”

Mark's mouth opened. He wanted to say that was different, but the only real difference was that he wasn't with Seb then. No doubt he would have been horrified if he had known even then.

“It was my chance.”

“I know,” accepted Sebastian. “I get it, but you know what teams are like.”

“I suppose.”

“I don't want them seeing me as this delicate flower. It's been hard enough since last year trying to get them to see me as normal again.”

 

Mark thought he could argue that Sebastian _could_ be delicate, but he knew F1 could be a game of perceptions.

“Alright, look what about a compromise? If you've not been feeling too great then you at least tell the doc that much.”

“Tell him what?” asked Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“Just that you've been a bit off. You don't have to go into specifics.”

“He'll ask though,” argued Sebastian.

Mark rubbed a hand at his jaw. It seemed an intractable problem.

“Okay. Could you at least tell him if you're still not feeling great _at_ a race?”

 

Sebastian looked back, knowing Mark was fighting the urge to push for more. He didn't want Mark to worry, but at the same time it felt so difficult.

“I guess, I mean if I'm not feeling good while I'm there.”

“Then he could help,” suggested Mark, trying to keep it positive.

“I suppose. I'd rather not need to.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“I'd rather you don't need to as well.”

“Yeah okay... Hopefully I won't.”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark.

He didn't want to push things too far. There was only so much you could ask of Seb in this context. Racers had to be strong and give out an air of indestructibility even if they were as human as anyone else.

“Alright sweetheart, I'm sorry to nag.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's alright Liebling. I'm as bad. I practically frog-marched you to the medical centre at Le Mans.”

Mark huffed a laugh at the image.

“Well worrying is just the flip-side of caring isn't it?” he noted.

“Price we pay.”

“Yeah.”

“Price worth paying,” stated Seb.

  
  


Mark nodded and Sebastian leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“I _am_ sorry about yesterday Liebling. I don't want you to have to worry.”

Mark could only give a little shrug and Seb shook his head.

“I know you will anyway.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“No escaping that.”

“No,” agreed Seb.

They looked at one another for another moment, then silently accepted that they had to let it lie.

  
  


  
  


They sat for a while longer and Mark had been about to enquire whether Sebastian wanted any kind of late lunch when his phone rang once more and Seb pulled it from his pocket to answer. Mark worried at the expression that settled on his face, but then Seb lowered the phone, putting it on mute for a moment.

“It's someone from Legal,” he explained.

“Oh right.”

“Apparently it was them that called earlier.”

“I see.”

“They say they've got the second report.”

“That's quick.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I dunno. I guess I must have made it sound urgent.”

“Right, so...”

Mark indicated to the phone and Seb remembered that he'd left them waiting on hold, so he pressed the buttons to put the phone on speaker, setting it on the armrest between them.

“Hi, sorry about that, so, um Mark's listening as well.”

“Right, okay so I was just saying we have the requested report,” informed the voice.

“Okay,” nodded Mark cautiously.

The man must have heard his tone, so he immediately responded.

“I should put your mind at rest and tell you that there's not much to it, hence the fact we got it done already.”

“It's a thorough search though?” pressed Mark.

“As far as we can without actually sending someone to Finland.”

“Of course,” Mark accepted, knowing that they were essentially doing them a favour.

“Though we have added a passport check.”

“Oh?” frowned Seb.

“Yes, and again, nothing, so I hope that's a help.”

“It is thank you.”

Mark saw the way Sebastian's body-language relaxed and reached over to give his hand a squeeze.

“That's great. We really appreciate it,” he offered.

“No problem. Bit different from the day job, but anyway we have the report waiting and I was ringing to ask if you wanted it sent to the same contact as last time?”

“Oh.” Seb looked to Mark, then addressed the phone. “Um I think if we could have a read through first?”

“Of course. You can forward it on yourself if that's easier?”

“Well actually I was thinking if we read it and then get back to you? I just think it looks more official coming from the legal department directly,” explained Sebastian.

“As you like. Very well I'll email it through and if you let me know?”

“Sure. Yes we'll do that. Thank you for this.”

“Of course Sebastian.”

Sebastian nodded, fighting the urge to remind the lawyer that this matter needed to stay confidential, but he knew that and Seb didn't want to insult his professionalism.

“Yeah thanks very much mate,” added Mark. “We'll give you a shout back once we've had chance to look at it.”

“No problem. I'll be in until six.”

“Righto.”

“Thank you, I guess we'd better go look at it then. Thank you for ringing me back,” contributed Seb.

“I'm glad I caught you. I wasn't entirely sure you'd be back, but I was thinking with you being due out to Germany again...”

“Yeah, much appreciated.”

“Well I'll look for your email.”

“Thanks very much. Bye then.”

“Good bye.”

  
  


Sebastian hung up and puffed out a long breath. Mark thought they could do without all this fussing from the team when Seb was meant to be resting today, but at least this was good news.

“Nothing to report is good,” noted Mark.

“Yeah course. Yeah that's a relief.”

Mark gave the back of his hand a rub with his thumb and Seb managed a small smile.

“I wonder how they got passport info?”

Mark shrugged.

“Ask no questions. I'm sure they have their ways. It's good though. Should shut that woman up.”

“Mm. Shall we go in and look at it?” suggested Seb.

“There's no rush,” stated Mark, not wanting Sebastian to potentially get upset by the matter, even if there was nothing in the report.

“I'd rather get it done. Even if he says it's nothing it'll just help to see that.”

“Okay.”

“And then we can get it sent to Rachel and go into next weekend knowing it's behind us.”

“Alright, yeah I take your point. Come on then, let's get it done and then do something nice.”

“Like what?”

“I dunno. Anything you like sweetheart.”

“We could have a swim?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Darling you're meant to be resting. Doctor's orders.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I'd just like to do something different,” he explained. “I don't really feel like taking the dogs out to be honest.”

“We don't need to.”

“Yeah but just to do something,” pressed Seb. “Can we open up the doors in there and have a float?”

“A float?”

“Yeah. Just to relax and feel nice in the water.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yeah okay darling if that's what you fancy.”

“It makes me feel better.”

“Sure, well then that's what we'll do.”

  
  


They got up and went back into the house to sit in Mark's study reading through the report that had been sent. It was oddly reassuring to see it confirmed in black and white that there was nothing of interest to report: No activity on his passport, no sign that Heikki had got a job or done anything of interest, nothing at all really.

“I suppose it's good there's been no more trouble,” noted Seb.

“Trouble?”

“He'd been arrested for drink driving hadn't he?”

Mark scanned further down the document and nodded.

“Fine rather than prosecution. Guess they must have thought it wasn't worth their time.”

Seb nodded. Mark didn't like the idea that Heikki was as usual getting away without having to face any real consequences for his actions, but saying so wouldn't help.

“Mm.”

“Anyway you're right, nothing is good. That's what we want,” asserted Mark.

Sebastian frowned.

“What do you think he's doing all the time?”

Mark shrugged, thinking that if he wasn't working then Heikki was probably just frittering his pay-off money away.

“Drinking in the dark watching ice-hockey matches on TV for all I know. Quite frankly darling I don't give a shit as long as he sits at home a thousand miles away doing it.”

“Yeah I guess.”

Mark looked at him seriously.

“Sweetheart don't waste time thinking about him. We've got this report we needed. We'll get it sent to Rachel and forget it. Yeah?”

“Yeah okay,” nodded Seb.

 

He gave the document one last look, then saved it to the laptop before replying to the lawyer who had sent it, thanking him again and instructing him to send it on to their adoption case worker. As he pressed send Sebastian sat back and let out a breath before switching the computer down and shutting it.

“Right, there we go, done,” stated Mark decisively.

“Yeah.”

Mark didn't want Seb brooding, so he stood up.

“Swim then?”

“Yep.”

  
  


A few minutes later they slipped into the water, the air coming through the opened up doors along the glass wall facing into their back garden. Sebastian let out a long breath as he did so and Mark moved in close, slipping his arms around Seb's waist to hold their bodies together.

“Okay?” he checked.

“Yeah, this is nice,” assured Seb.

“Good.”

Mark gave him a smile and a kiss on the lips, then they stayed that way for a while, Seb putting his arms around Mark's neck to hang onto him while standing in the water up to their necks. Mark stood on the deeper side allowing them to balance and he felt the way Seb''s body clearly did relax. Sebastian let his head rest down on Mark's shoulder, keeping it just above the water level and looked out into the garden feeling peaceful and secure. Twenty-four hours earlier he had felt quite the opposite, but now he was calm, comfortable and happy. Mark did nothing more than hold onto him, feeling calmer for it himself. Occasionally he gently moved his thumbs over Seb's skin where he held onto his middle, but he didn't press him to talk.

  
  


Eventually Seb lifted his head and gave Mark a kiss before deciding to let himself do as he had said he would and had a float in the water while Mark did a few laps of the pool, each merely sending one another a look every now and again. As Sebastian lay back he stared up at the wooden ceiling and the skylights above and thought how this pool was one of the best investments he'd ever made. It felt odd to think that they'd only really had it a few months. It felt far more than that, but then time seemed to have flowed differently over the past couple of years. Perhaps it was something to do with getting older, or maybe it was more about him valuing his time with Mark, but each day at home felt longer, each day apart an eternity.

As Mark completed another steady lap he veered over towards Seb who lowered himself into the water, placing his feet onto the tiled floor of the pool.

“I was thinking how long we've had the pool Liebling and I just realised something.”

“Oh?”

“We've passed our six month anniversary and I didn't even realise.”

Mark raised his eyebrows.

“Of being married?”

“Yeah.”

“Right, yeah I hadn't thought about that either. I guess we were caught up with things.” Mark didn't want to bring things down so he gave Seb a smile. “Am I in trouble for forgetting to get you a card?”

Sebastian smiled back.

“If you are so am I. No Liebling I don't care about cards. It's just nice to think of that's all.”

Mark moved in closer to him.

“Course it is darling. Happy half anniversary.”

He gave Seb a small kiss that became an extended one as he slipped his arms around him.

“Happy half anniversary,” echoed Seb as they lifted apart. “Six months doesn't sound long, but it feels far longer. In a good way,” he hurried at the end.

“Of course in a good way. I guess cos we just know it's the start of much longer.”

Sebastian smiled at him.

“Yeah I like that.”

“Good. Do you want to do something for it?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I dunno. I don't much feel like going out.”

“That's okay.”

“We could have a meal here. I mean obviously we do all the time, but we could just call it our anniversary meal.”

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

“Is it silly?”

“Silly? No sweetheart we should just do what we want to.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and looked around him.

“You know we have all this money, but the thing that makes me happiest is just having dinner in the kitchen with you and the dogs.”

“Nothing silly about that,” Mark assured. “It makes me happy too.”

“I guess we'll be going out for a meal with my family at the weekend, so we could say that's for it.”

“If you want to darling, but I think we should just make our own fun,” asserted Mark. “Why don't we just say tomorrow or Wednesday night and we can make a bit of an effort?”

“Can we do tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

“Just so we're not thinking about dashing off in the morning,” explained Seb.

“Of course. There we go then, we'll do that. Anything else you fancy doing tomorrow?”

“Not really. Just normal stuff. I think I might feel a bit more energetic tomorrow.”

“Well that's what we're aiming for isn't it?”

“Yeah. I did sleep really well last night.”

Mark could have commented that was due to Seb being exhausted, but it was better just to nod and smile.

“No need to rush getting up tomorrow either,” he noted.

“Yeah. I guess Pauline will be round.”

“She won't give us any trouble.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“I just meant about getting up to say hello, take a walk with the dogs, that sort of thing.”

“Fine by me.”

 

Mark turned around as he heard a noise and they both looked to the open doorways into the garden to see the dogs approaching. They'd allowed them to have free reign in the nice weather, leaving the back door open for them to wander in and out of the kitchen and garden, but after the dogs had tired of lazing in the sun they had worked out where their masters were.

“Swear they hear us talking about them,” smiled Mark.

The dogs weren't slowing their speed as they gambolled towards them and Mark stood up higher in the water to hold up a hand.

“No, boys, no _stop!”_

Unfortunately his warning came too late and both dogs hurtled through the open french windows to hurl themselves into the water.

“Oh my god!” exclaimed Sebastian.

“You daft things,” sighed Mark as the pair of them waded over to where the animals were thrashing about trying to swim. “No, no, not for you, _ach_.”

 

They both stepped in to try to get hands under the animals to help them out which was easier said than done when the dogs were so heavy with soaked fur. Shadow and Simba seemed to think it all a great lark and weren't helping in the process until Mark firmly grasped hold around Simba's body and lifted him out onto the side, recoiling away as the dog shook his fur and sent spray flying. Seb was still struggling with Shadow and it took the pair of them to haul him out when he had seen what had happened to the other. Once they were both out of the water the dogs scampered about around the edge of the pool seeming none the worse for it.

Mark went to climb out and Sebastian followed, both of them trying to direct the dogs back outside before they tried flinging themselves in the water once more. Mark took hold around Simba's collar to tow him away and Seb copied him with Shadow, all four of them soaking wet as they walked out onto the grass where luckily it was still reasonably warm in the late afternoon.

Mark turned to the animals as they looked about to bound off once more and pointed at the ground.

“Down!”

Both dogs dropped obediently onto the grass at his stern tone and Mark ducked down in his swimming shorts to look at them.

“No. The pool is _not_ for you. It's not safe.”

The dogs seemed to sag and they looked at the grass unhappily. Mark shook his head and looked to Seb.

“Honestly,” sighed Mark.

Sebastian shrugged,

“I told you they just want to be with us today.”

“Hmm. Not in the pool though. They know they're not allowed in there.”

“I guess they thought if they came that way it didn't count,” suggested Seb.

“Well it does.” Mark looked to them again and held up a finger. “No pool.”

Sebastian looked at them lowering their heads in chagrin and shook his head.

“Poor things. They're all sad now they can't join in our fun.”

Mark gave him a look.

“We can't encourage them. They need to know the rules. If they get in there and we're not around they can't get out again.”

“I know,” accepted Seb. “Maybe they wanted to cool off?”

Mark didn't want to make anything of the comparison, so he just nodded.

“Well if you boys want a wash perhaps we can oblige?”

“Now?”

“Hmm, maybe not,” decided Mark, thinking Seb probably wasn't quite up to tackling giving the dogs a wash yet. “Why don't we see what the weather's like tomorrow, get the hosepipe out?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Unless that's too much work?”

“Mark, _behave_. Of course I'll help. It'll be fun.”

Mark smiled and gave the dogs a slightly less stern look.

“You be good and we'll give you a nice treat tomorrow.”

Seb smiled.

“I'm not sure they consider it a treat.”

“They like the hose. We just need a bit of sun.” Mark gave them a rub and then a push on the hindquarters. “Go on, run around and dry off while we do the same.”

They stood and Sebastian gave a little shiver to be stood outside soaking wet.

“It's gone cooler,” he observed, looking up to see a few clouds covering the sun.

“Yeah, come on then let's go in,” encouraged Mark.

 

They headed back inside and closed off the glass doors from the pool to the garden and dried off with towels they had left on the side, then went through to the changing room to sort themselves out. Once they were redressed they found more towels and called the dogs in from the kitchen door into the garden to make sure that they had dried off properly before giving them food and water and setting about making themselves some tea. Mark was surprised to see that it was still only a little after half past five when their afternoon had felt longer. Then again they hadn't done an awful lot. It felt rather early to go about making their own dinner so Mark drank his tea for a few minutes before looking over to Seb.

“You know I think I might just check there's no emails from work after the weekend. You don't mind do you?”

“Course not.”

“I'll just grab my laptop,” decided Mark, not wanting to stay in his office.

 

He stepped out for a moment and returned carrying his computer to put on the kitchen table, sipping his tea as he deleted a bunch of junk messages so he could see the wood for the trees. There was one from work, though it didn't include anything too urgent, but there at the top was an email from Rachel. Mark paused, wondering if it would be a mistake to open it, but now that he had seen it, it felt dishonest not to mention to Seb.

“Um sweetheart, we've got a message.”

Seb looked up from petting the dogs who had come back over to him.

“A message?”

“From Rachel.”

“Oh.”

Mark shifted his chair closer to Seb's and moved the laptop to be in front of both of them.

“Might just be saying she got the report, yeah?” he reassured.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark clicked on the email which did indeed start by thanking them for the report that she had received that afternoon, but then went on to ask them if they might be able to get in touch to arrange a chat about it.

Sebastian puffed a long breath and Mark turned in to him.

“That's not bad is it sweetheart?”

Sebastian shrugged, but Mark could tell he was unsettled.

“I don't think it's something to worry about,” he assured.

Seb could only look at him, thinking that was what they had said last time, right before disaster struck.

“Look why don't I email back and just ask her flat what it's about?” offered Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

 

Mark wanted to tell Seb not to worry, but only clarification from their case worker was likely to ensure that, so he sent back a reply asking her directly what she wished to talk about and despite the fact it was now getting on for six, Rachel responded within five minutes saying that it was only to discuss what was in the reports and to share her thoughts about where they went from here. She signed off by saying that it wasn't anything they needed to worry about and if it wasn't a good time they could put it off. As they both read the reply Seb puffed a breath and Mark looked at him.

“So nothing to worry about,” Mark reassured, guessing that he had sounded worried in his reply to occasion her specifically saying that to them.

“Yeah... I dunno, we've only got a couple of days before we're off again Liebling,” noted Seb. He huffed out a breath, then admitted; “The thing is I just don't think I can face going back to that office and going through all this before another race weekend.”

Mark nodded, knowing why that was.

“Yeah okay. Well I'll just tell her we'll see about it after we get back.”

“Mm.”

“What?”

Sebastian sighed.

“It's stupid. It's just I don't want it hanging over us either.”

Mark rubbed at his jaw.

“Well... I don't know. Why don't we see if we can give her a call, or she calls us? Then we could talk it though without having to actually go in. Would that be better?”

“Do you think she'd do that?” wondered Seb.

“Can but ask. If it's really only a chat I don't see why not.”

“Mm okay.”

“Right.”

Mark tapped another quick email asking Rachel if it would be appropriate could they perhaps have the conversation over the phone seeing as they didn't have long before they were due to go away again. There then followed a couple of quick back and forth messages where she told them that was fine and they arranged the call for late tomorrow morning. She finished off by saying she hoped they were well. Seb raised an eyebrow.

“I think she's seen the papers,” he guessed.

“Hmm, well all the better we talk to her then isn't it? In case she's worrying about you.”

 

Sebastian was more concerned that it would appear as though his health counted against him, but Rachel's enquiry probably was one of genuine concern, so he sent the last reply telling her that he was fine and they looked forward to speaking to her tomorrow.

Perhaps 'looked forward to' wasn't entirely accurate, but it did feel safer to have the option to go through the conversation in the safety of their own home and Seb knew he would feel far less scrutinized when she couldn't see him.

“Right, so that'll be fine,” assured Mark as Rachel's accepting reply came through with the additional message that she was very glad to hear all was well.

“Maybe she agreed to the phone-call instead because of the stories in the press?” wondered Seb.

“Well either way sweetheart we'll just get it done. There's nothing in the report to worry about, so it'll be fine, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and nodded again.

“You're not worrying?” checked Mark.

“I dunno. No not really. You're right, there's nothing to pick up on. I guess I just feel a bit nervous about it all.”

“Well don't sweetheart. Rachel's alright isn't she?”

“Yeah I guess. I just wonder what she must think of me now.”

Mark shook his head.

“Nothing different. She just knows you had a few difficulties in the past. I think she really is trying to help us.”

“Yeah I know. She was pretty kind about it all.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark still thought it would have been better if she had forewarned them somehow about the subject of their last meeting and prevented the overly aggressive social worker sticking her nose in, but he refrained from saying so.

“You're right,” offered Seb, trying to buck himself up. “We'll just have a chat about it tomorrow and know we've done it. I will feel better for that.”

“Good. I'm sure she's only trying to keep things all going. She still fires back emails at a rate of knots.”

Sebastian quirked a little smile and Mark shrugged.

“I think maybe she's so busy she has to do things right away when they're under her nose or they get buried,” he suggested.

“Mm, bit like the team,” offered Seb.

“Yeah maybe. Anyway, that's arranged, so forget it till tomorrow.”

Seb nodded.

“Early dinner?” he suggested.

“Why not? We didn't have lunch did we? Might as well get that then settle in, bit of sofa time, then bed, what d'you say?”

“Sure.”

Mark flipped the laptop shut and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek to seal the deal before taking the computer away to safely shut in his office. Out of sight, out of mind.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning they got up at a reasonable hour and had finished breakfast by the time Pauline came around. They were just clearing the table when the dogs jumped up from their own breakfast in the corner and began barking. Moments later Pauline walked through the half open kitchen door and they raced over to her, getting a stroke as their reward while Pauline looked over to the other two.

“Hi Pauline,” greeted Sebastian.

Pauline pushed the dogs away and dumped her bag onto the table so she could give him a hug. Mark smiled as Sebastian stood slightly awkwardly letting her envelop him before she stood away and shook her head.

“Are you alright Seb dear?”

“I'm fine. Really I'm fine.”

“Good.”

“Don't believe the papers,” he warned. “I mean, well I haven't read them, but I'm guessing they're full of rubbish.”

“Mm.”

Pauline looked a little uncertain and both Seb and Mark could tell she wanted to ask more.

“I guess, well I try not to, you're right of course,” she accepted. “But I was in the post office in the village yesterday morning and I saw some of the back pages and of course your name caught my eye... Anyway I try not to read them.”

Mark looked at Seb with a little smile, both of them guessing that she had been unable to stop herself reading each and every one, no doubt texting Mark immediately afterwards.

“I'm really fine,” assured Seb once more. “Just, well it was so ridiculously hot in Hungary and then we had a problem with the car.”

Pauline nodded, looking concerned.

“It said. I mean no water in that heat? No wonder you didn't feel well.”

“Well it's not really water, but anyway yeah I just got a bit dehydrated.”

“Of course,” nodded Pauline. “I know it's none of my business, but I couldn't help worrying.”

“Oh no that's okay.”

“People worry about you sweetheart, they can't help themselves,” noted Mark.

Pauline looked to him and shook her head.

“And you not there? Dear me, poor boys, how awful.”

Mark put his arm around Seb.

“He's alright now,” he reassured her.

“Yeah I'm fine.”

“Good. Well, I don't mean to pry, and I know you can't rely on the papers, but still.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark, then decided that Pauline really did deserve more of the truth when she cared about them.

“Like I say I got dehydrated and just really overwhelmed by the heat. It was forty degrees there,” he explained.

Pauline shook her head.

“I wouldn't be able to cope in that and you driving in it? It's a wonder you weren't all ill.”

“Well not all of them lost their drinks supply,” noted Mark.

“No I suppose not,” accepted Pauline.

“There was a problem with the hydraulics in the car,” explained Seb. “Anyway it just sort of hit me after the race and I got a bit ill with it.”

“I suppose that's the way,” she commented, “you feel things more when you stop don't you?”

“Yeah I'm sure that's true,” agreed Seb. “Anyway I had a bit of a moment, I guess, I sort of... well I suppose I pretty much passed out.”

 

Pauline put a hand to her mouth in horror.

“Oh my goodness.”

“It was only for a second and I was with Britta, my assistant and we were by the garage so the team doctor was there so it was okay, but they took me to the medical centre just to be sure,” Sebastian recounted.

Pauline shook her head unhappily and puffed a breath before composing herself.

“Of course, well I'm glad they did.”

“And they just ran a few tests and got some fluids back in me and I was okay. It was just precautionary stuff really, but, well anyway I'm fine now.”

 

Pauline nodded, still looking at him carefully.

“That must have been very unpleasant.”

“Mm.”

“And Mark, worrying away you poor thing. Dreadful.”

“It sounds worse than it was,” pulled back Seb, “and I'm sure the papers are just making a story. The team put out a statement but I guess they don't always stick to that.”

“No,” agreed Pauline.

“We didn't really want to give them anything more.”

“Of course not. Well you know I won't breathe a word.”

Mark gave her a smile.

“We know you wouldn't. It's okay, they did the right thing by checking him out and he's fine now.”

 

Pauline nodded again, resisting the urge to hug each of them in turn.

“Well that's good. I'm very glad to hear it.”

“We're just sort of taking it a bit easy for a few days,” explained Seb.

“Mm, well at least it's cooler here.”

“I'm very grateful for a British summer,” Sebastian smiled.

Pauline laughed.

“Not so often we say that is it? Well I'm very glad you're in one piece, both of you. Is there anything I can do to help out?”

“Oh no we were going to take the dogs out for a stroll,” explained Mark.

“Oh right, you don't need me to?”

“No I'm really okay,” asserted Seb. “It'll be nice to get some fresh air.”

“Of course, yes that'll do you good.”

“We just need to clear up and we'll head out.”

“No let me,” insisted Pauline.

Both Seb and Mark went to protest, but she shook her head firmly.

“Go and get that nice fresh air in your lungs. I'll sort this out. It's only a few bits isn't it?”

Mark gave her a smile.

“Thank you Pauline. Come on boys, walkies.”  
  


The dogs bounced about happily while their leads were fetched, then Seb and Mark headed out for their walk, leaving Pauline alone. She stood for a moment as she heard the door shut, thinking how she had thought Sebastian had seemed off lately. Perhaps it wasn't entirely surprising that he had been taken ill. Pauline knew Mark must have been going spare worrying about him while stuck at another race somewhere else. She looked over at the calendar to check and saw that yes, as she had thought, they were away again this weekend. They worked far too hard, especially Seb. No wonder he got so worn down.

 

Mark and Sebastian returned an hour and a half later from their walk in the day's mild British sunshine to find a note on the kitchen table from Pauline telling them that she was all set for the weekend, but if there was anything they needed in the meantime just to give her a shout.

  
  


  
  


They gave themselves a little break while they had a cup of tea sat at the kitchen table, then it was time for their arranged phone-call with Rachel. Mark got his phone out and set it in front of them, putting it on speaker as her number dialled through.

“Hello Rachel Groves.”

“Hi Rachel it's us, Mark and Seb,” greeted Mark.

“Hi Rachel,” added in Sebastian.

“Oh hello. Good. Thank you for calling me.”

“No problem,” replied Mark. “So you read the report?”

“I did, thank you. In all honesty it didn't take long.”

“No well that's good really isn't it?”

“Of course, yes that's what we wanted isn't it?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright well I've added it to your file.”

“Okay, so..?”

“Well like I said before I think what we need to do is just build up a bit of a portfolio of evidence to counter any concerns on that score.”

 

Sebastian glanced to Mark and they both noticed how carefully she was discussing the matter.

“So you mean more reports?” enquired Sebastian.

“Yes I think so. I have consulted higher up on this one.”

“And?”

“Well of course as I said when you were in the other week, nobody blames you for the situation, but in terms of being recommended to the board to be passed for approval to adopt, what we need is evidence of a sustained non-issue as it were.”

“You mean reports of nothing to report,” suggested Mark.

“Well yes essentially. I know that might sound strange and I'm sure it must seem unfair that the onus is on you to prove it.”

“No we understand.”

“Yes? Okay well as I said, I consulted upwards and what has been suggested is that what might be best is to have a year of this, to really show that it is not something of current concern.”

“A year?” gasped Seb, his face dropping. “You want us to keep doing this for another year?”

“On no, no sorry Seb I explained that badly, I'm sorry,” apologised Rachel. “No what I meant was a year of no problematic activity from this Heikki.”

“Oh right.”

“I appreciate that still isn't great for you, but that would mean November, right?”

“Yes,” replied Mark.

“Okay, and I know that must seem a long time and it must be frustrating for you, but I did say that this could be a long process anyway.”

“Mm.”

“I know it's still not great.”

Mark puffed out a breath.

“No we understand.”

“So I thought perhaps if you could get another report like this for your file in the Autumn, September some time perhaps, and then another for November at the year mark. Then I think we would have a weight of evidence in our favour that would be hard to argue against.”

 

Sebastian didn't like having to wait that long seeing as November seemed ages off, but it was at least better than a year from now and everything Rachel said was assuming that there _would_ be no problems which was reassuring and made him feel better about the whole thing.

“Thank you Rachel,” he replied.

“That's okay. I know it can't be easy to deal with, but we just have to do what we can to build up a picture.”

“A picture?” queried Seb.

“Well that's essentially what we do: Your file is a picture of you, of your lives and the potential you have to offer a child a good home. What we do is build that picture up, colour it in, add the details and so forth, so when I have to put you forward to the board with my recommendation for approval, they can see a true reflection of you, or indeed anyone in your position.”

“Oh I see.”

“And as I've said before, you've both been working so hard to give us everything you can towards that end,” noted Rachel. “Even this, I mean your legal team really are efficient aren't they?”

Sebastian gave a little smile.

“I guess they're just used to working that way, so are we too maybe. You can't afford to hang around in our business, so you just get used to getting things done without wasting any time.”

“We were commenting that you're much the same Rachel,” confessed Mark.

“Oh?”

“In a good way. You've always been so quick at getting back to us and arranging things.”

“Oh well I suppose it's mutual isn't it?” Rachel noted. “If you're quick getting back to me I owe the same respect in return.”

“We do appreciate you doing this as well,” commented Seb.

“This?”

“A phone-call rather than us coming in.”

“Oh, that's no problem.”

“It's just I've got another race this weekend.”

“Are you? My word, you never stop.”

“Mm,” let out Mark, rather more darkly.

 

Rachel paused, then decided she ought to find a way of checking on Sebastian.

“So you're alright then?”

Sebastian looked to Mark who raised an eyebrow.

“I'm fine,” assured Sebastian. “I guess you saw some stuff in the papers.”

“Oh well I know these things may not be reliable,” excused Rachel.

“No, okay so just to reassure you, everything's fine. It was just extreme heat at my last race.”

“The paper said fifty degrees,” admitted Rachel.

Mark rolled his eyes, noting that she definitely _had_ read it.

“Oh, no that would be track temp,” clarified Sebastian.

“Track temp?”

“The temperature of the track, the tarmac, not the air.”

“Oh I see.”

“I guess the papers used that figure because it looks more dramatic. It was still very hot, but not fifty.”

“Ah, of course. I'm sorry Seb I know they must exaggerate things.”

“Yeah, anyway I did have some issues with the car hydraulics system which affected my drinks supply, so after the race I was pretty dehydrated so the team doctor checked on me and they took me for some checks and to get me rehydrated as it were.”

“I see.”

“Just as a precaution and to make sure I was fine, which I am.”

“Okay,” nodded Rachel, thinking that sounded far less melodramatic than the papers' headlines implied. Sebastian sounded calm and unaffected, so he really must be fine, especially if he was off driving again this coming weekend. “Well, thank you for letting me know. I hope things aren't so hot this weekend.”

 

“Me too. I don't think it will be. Hungary does tend to be hot and of course the team will have made sure they've fixed the problem in the car.”

“Of course, yes I'm sure.”

“He's really fine aren't you sweetheart?” added Mark.

“Yeah much better. It was just too hot.”

“Indeed.”

“You don't have to put that in our file do you?” checked Sebastian.

“Your file? No of course not.”

“Oh right, sorry.”

“No that's okay. Listen try not to worry about your file. We're really doing all we can,” assured Rachel.

“So all we can do now is wait?” asked Mark.

“Well...” Rachel paused. “We do have to build up the reports, but there's no reason we can't tick off another box while we're at it. We were going to do your follow-up house visit. Are you still up for that?”

“Oh, um, Seb?”

Sebastian shrugged, then nodded.

“Might as well,” he agreed.

“Oh good,” replied Rachel. “If you've done all that work it would be nice to see it. I know you've been working hard. To be honest when we've done that, assuming it all goes okay which I'm sure it will, then there isn't an awful lot more we can do.”

“Just wait,” noted Mark.

“Yes well why don't we see about this visit,” brought back Rachel. “Assuming you have the time if you're away?”

“Um, yeah why don't we check?” suggested Mark.

 

Sebastian nodded, so Mark jumped up and went to grab the calendar from the wall.

“Okay, so we're away this weekend as we said, then we're back in the week until we go on holiday on Thursday.”

“Oh is that next week?”

“Yes the fourth.”

“Ah yes.” Rachel skimmed through her diary. “Yes I think I had that, and afterwards you have family visiting?”

“Yeah.”

“Could we fit it in early next week?” requested Seb. “It's just late summer is busy with family stuff and then we've got races again.”

“Mm,” nodded Rachel, looking through her own appointments. “Well I might be able to do early next week, perhaps midweek?”

“What about Tuesday?” proposed Mark. “That would give us time to get back and Wednesday to pack and sort ourselves out.”

Sebastian by his side nodded and Rachel unwittingly copied them at her end of the phone-call.

“Yes, um, tentatively I'd say that works, though I'll need to check with the others and get back to you,” she offered.

 

Mark hid a sigh at that, having forgotten that it wasn't just Rachel they were inviting over.

“Right.”

Rachel noted his tone and smiled.

“Ah you know that is remiss of me. I haven't mentioned there's been a slight switch-around of personnel.”

“Oh?” frowned Mark.

“Yes, well we'll still have Paul if that's okay. He compiles the house visit reports if you remember?”

“Righto,” agreed Mark, thinking the man who had visited hadn't seemed to play much part, but he had made all those notes, so perhaps it did make sense?

“And then it would be a good opportunity for you to meet your new assigned social worker.”

 

Mark and Sebastian turned to one another and in the pause Rachel was rather glad they couldn't see the smile on her face.

“Yes as I say there's been a bit of re-jigging,” she noted, not wanting to get into the finer details of it all. “It was decided that was best for all concerned.”

A smile arrived on Mark's face.

“So we have a new social worker?”

“Yes her name's Laura, not to be confused with Lorna.”

“Which was the old one.”

“Mm, anyway, so I hope that's okay?”

“More than okay.”

“Good. So I'll have to check the date with them. Can you do any time?”

“Sure.”

“We can do any time you can do,” offered Sebastian, wanting to get things sorted now. “I mean if they really can't do Tuesday we might be able to squeeze it in somewhere else mightn't we Liebling?”

“Yeah sure. Best to get it done,” agreed Mark. “Maybe pencil in Monday afternoon or Wednesday morning as fall-backs?”

“Very good, yes well I'll ring them and get back to you?”

“Thank you.”

“Yes thank you Rachel, we really do appreciate it,” confirmed Seb.

“Of course. Like I say, I think it's best we just keep on and do everything we can. I did say when I spoke to my superiors that you really have been most co-operative and endeavoured to do everything you can in support of your case.”

“Thank you.”

“In many ways we're far ahead of where I would expect us to be by this point. We've been so efficient that your case is really twice as far on as normal. We've really been racing ahead.” Rachel paused. “Oh dear, accidental pun.”

Mark and Sebastian both smiled.

“Anyway, sorry, I think you've put racing on my mind,” admitted Rachel. “What I mean is you're doing great. I don't want you to feel set back by things.”

“No okay,” agreed Mark on behalf of both of them.

“So we'll get this house visit ticked off and then, well you've got your holidays and things and then I guess we'll just have to see where we are. I'm not sure there's an awful lot more you can do.”

“Okay.”

“If you think of anything you will say won't you?” asked Sebastian.

“Of course I will. I'll have a think over the summer and we can talk again when you're free. My advice would be to make the most of having a nice break, don't worry about anything and when you get back we'll arrange a meeting and have a chat. Perhaps we could think ahead and look at finding some parenting classes for you to go to.”

“Really?”

“Yes I don't see why not. You did mention that you'd be willing to do that sort of thing.”

“No of course, it's just... we wouldn't be wasting our time?”

“No Seb, please don't get too down-hearted about things. I know it's frustrating and it might not feel that it is fair to impose extra conditions on you, but it's just what we're going to have to do.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark reached for his hand to give it a squeeze.

“We understand Rachel and as Seb said, we appreciate all your help. We'll get there, right?”

“I have every faith that you will,” assured Rachel. “Not that I'm meant to express too strong an opinion on that, naturally.”

“Of course.”

Sebastian squeezed Mark's hand back, grateful for the encouragement.

“Thanks Rachel,” he offered.

“No problem. Well I'll make some calls and let you know about next week. Is it best to email or are you free if I ring back?”

“You can ring, that's okay, we're just home all day.”

“Great. Alright well there we go then. I'll speak to you as soon as I've managed to get hold of people.”

 

They ended the call and Sebastian gave Mark's hand a squeeze.

“Alright sweetheart?” Mark checked.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. I feel a bit better about things.”

“Good. I think she's doing all she can for us,” agreed Mark. “I know having to wait and get these reports isn't great, but at least it's a way forward.”

“Yeah. I think it'll feel positive to get the house inspection completed.”

“Course it will. We can show them all we've sorted out and then we know we're really done everything we can. After that, like she said we can just have a nice break and not stress out about it for a while. Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“There we go then. Right, well now we just need to sort out when they're coming round.”

“Sure.”

Seb took in a deep breath feeling better than he had in a while. Their route forward might not be easy, but at least now it seemed there was a road ahead to take, even if it might be windier and longer than they had hoped.

  
  


 

Mark and Sebastian went about the house doing little things to keep themselves busy; checking they had clean clothes and everything needed ready for packing the next day, taking in a small food delivery to keep them going until they left for Germany on Thursday and then making themselves a light lunch. They were really only distracting themselves, waiting for Rachel to ring them back, even though they knew that she hadn't given them any kind of time-frame. They had just cleared up after lunch and had made a start getting things together for giving the dogs a wash when Mark's phone rang with Rachel confirming their house visit for the following week. As they hung up, Mark hmm'd.

“Tuesday... you know I think we really need to ask Pauline if she wouldn't mind coming in over the weekend. We don't want to be stressing out on the Monday.”

“Do you think she'll mind?” wondered Seb.

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Pauline? Nah. Let's give her a ring. Shame we didn't know earlier. We could have sorted it while she was here.”

He re-dialed and got hold of their housekeeper.

“Oh I was just popping out,” explained Pauline.

“We can call back.”

“No I'll be going past. Why don't I call in on my way?”

“Umm, okay.”

“See you in a few minutes.”

Mark hung up and shrugged. It didn't seem something that required a meeting to him, but Pauline was helping them out, so he wasn't about to say no.

  
  


 

Just as she had promised, a few minutes later Pauline was back in their kitchen, drinking the offered cup of tea.

“Right, well you don't need to worry. I'll have this place looking ship-shape by the time you come back,” she vowed.

“You're sure you don't mind?” checked Mark.

“Of course not. We're not going to let them find any fault this time are we?”

“Well there was nothing wrong with the cleanliness last time Pauline. It was just a few picky safety features they wanted fixed.”

“Which you have done.”

“Yeah.”

“Alright so I'll make sure we're set.”

Sebastian smiled at her.

“You really are very kind.”

“Nonsense. I want to help.”

“Yeah.” Seb paused. “The other woman isn't coming back, that social worker who didn't like the dogs.”

Pauline gave the dogs who were fussing around the table a rub and shook her head.

“Silly woman. I didn't think much of her. Didn't you say she was the one picking all the holes last time?”

“Yeah. We weren't keen either,” confirmed Mark.

 

Sebastian nodded, then looked to Mark feeling they still owed Pauline more explanation of how things were going.

“The thing is, we've had a bit of a problem.”

“A problem?”

“With all this. Her really, the social worker. We had a bad meeting a week or so ago, two weeks nearly I guess. I mean it wasn't really her I suppose, but...”

“She certainly didn't help,” added Mark.

“No.”

Pauline frowned and looked at them, wondering whether she ought to ask, then Mark put his hand over Seb's as they sat together opposite her and Sebastian gave him a little nod to explain, so Mark began.

“They'd done some digging around and got all the legal paperwork on the trouble we'd had with... you remember about Heikki.”

“Oh.”

Pauline looked at the two of them and shook her head.

“He's not been making any more trouble?”

“No no, nothing like that,” hurried Mark. “Just when they read about that they, well, they suggested it was a problem with us being approved to adopt.”

Pauline tsk'd and shook her head.

“Well that doesn't seem right. What's he got to do with anything?”

“Just, it doesn't look good, to them, in terms of our situation,” explained Mark carefully, looking to Pauline at the same time as trying to keep an eye on Seb to be sure it wasn't upsetting him to be discussing this.

“Hmm,” frowned Pauline, thinking that this might explain the way things had seemed off when she had been here last week.

“Anyway, since then we've been working with Rachel, our case worker, to try to prove to her that it's not an issue.”

“Of course it's not,” agreed Pauline. “Would it help if I spoke to her? I can certainly tell her there's been no more trouble here.”

Mark smiled, picturing Pauline stumping on their behalf.

“That's very kind of you, but what they really need was proof it's in the past, so we've had a couple of legal reports commissioned to show there's been nothing since last November and we're just going to have to amass a few of those to make our point.”

“I see.”

“Obviously it's not great, but it's really all we can do.”

Sebastian looked at Pauline.

“We had to drop the restraining order as well. To show them you see, that's it's not something they have to worry about.”

 

Pauline nodded, wishing that she could give his hand a squeeze. That worried look had crept into his eyes and knew why Mark was doing most of the explaining here.

“Of course it's not,” she concurred solidly. “He'd never be foolish enough to come back.”

“No that's what we said,” confirmed Mark. “So anyway, we thought we ought to let you know.”

“I'm sure it's nothing to be concerned about,” assured Pauline.

“No we're not. It's fine. There's nothing to worry about,” Mark agreed, as much for Seb as Pauline. “It's just that the adoption agency want to see a few reports to prove that to them and it means we'll have to wait a while.”

“I see.”

“In the meantime we're just making sure we've got everything else done that they want,” added Mark, trying to sound positive.

“Of course, so the house visit.”

“Yeah. Rachel said it's the last main thing we need to get ticked off, then we just wait.”

 

Pauline nodded and gave him and Seb a smile. She wanted to tell him not to worry about Heikki, but judged it better not to mention anything more about it.

“You'll be fine then. I'll have this place shiny as a new pin.”

“Thank you Pauline.”

“Yes thank you,” added Seb.

“Of course dear. You won't need to worry about a thing. I'll have everything ready when you come home. Okay?”

She looked at him firmly, trying to tell him that he didn't need to worry about anything else either and Seb nodded back, giving her a smile.

“That's great Pauline, we really appreciate it,” confirmed Mark. “Hopefully it won't be too much work, you already keep this place in good shape.”

Pauline smiled at him.

“I do my best.”

“Your best is great. Anyway, shouldn't be too bad, even my office is fairly tidy at the moment.”

“Good. Well I'll work my way through it all from Thursday, just do a bit each day when I come for the dogs.”

“Great.”

“Alright, well that's all sorted,” decided Pauline finishing off her tea and getting up.

“Thanks for coming over.”

“No trouble. As I said I was on my out. I'm just nipping to the supermarket. You don't need anything do you?”

“No we're good thanks.”

“Right then I'll be on my way.”

“Thanks Pauline,” added Seb.

“It's fine. We'll pass that inspection this time.”

“Or they'll have you to deal with?” joked Mark.

Pauline huffed a little laugh.

“That's right dear. You send them to me if they've any complaints.”

“I'm sure they wouldn't dare.”

“So eleven on the Tuesday?”

“Yep.”

“Gives me time to bob round and have a last tidy beforehand.”

Mark smiled, knowing they would all be paranoid that morning, rushing about the place to make it perfect, even if it was already immaculate.

“Very kind.”

Pauline just shook her head, so they said their goodbyes and let her go.

  
  


  
  


As they were left alone Mark turned to Sebastian, not wanting his thoughts to linger on the mention of Heikki and their troubles with the adoption agency. He glanced outside at the bright sunlit garden and then turned back to Seb.

“Right then, what d'you say we get these guys outside, trick them into getting clean?”

Sebastian smiled and looked to the dogs.

“Trick them?”

“Oh never tell they're having a B.A.T.H.,” spelled out Mark.

Sebastian laughed and gave them a rub.

“Gotcha. Right, come on then boys, let's go play outside with the hosepipe.”

 

Mark opened the back door and the animals bounded into the garden. He and Sebastian gathered up the things they needed and followed them out, Mark giving Seb a kiss on the cheek as he did. Making a fuss of the dogs might be a distraction for now, but if it worked what did it matter? As he fixed the hosepipe with its filter to the outdoor tap Mark smiled to see Seb knelt on the grass giving the dogs a rub down. Shadow was lain on his back while Sebastian rubbed his belly, laughing at their pet's appreciative reaction. Mark brought the hose over and knelt beside him to do the same for Simba.

“Yeah you like that don't you?” smiled Mark as the dogs happily rolled around. He looked to Seb and gave him a wink. “Right, time to play with the water boys.”

Sebastian chucked the towels back out of the way and picked up the hose ready to pounce.

“Okay, we're ready.”

Mark dashed back to switch on the tap and they let the dogs run around while they sprayed the water at them then took it in turns to grab hold of a dog's collar to dump some shampoo on their fur, then rapidly massaged it in before spraying the water over them again to wash it off. It wasn't the most thorough wash as the dogs immediately scampered off on the grass again, rolling about on it as Mark fired the spray of water from the filter on the hose. He grinned and sprayed a little Seb's way causing him to shriek and jump up, grabbing the hose from Mark to do the same to him.

Mark didn't care how properly clean the dogs were, or that he and Seb were messing about like kids. The sun was shining, they were home on a day off and Seb was laughing. So was he. Mark didn't care about his half soaked t-shirt and shorts. He didn't even care that the fuss they were making of their pets had more than a little to do with them substituting affection for the missing child in their life. What mattered was that they weren't worrying about that right now. They weren't worrying about the past, or getting upset. Mark wasn't worrying about Seb making himself ill, and neither of them were worrying about the coming race weekend or even the house visit planned for a couple of days later. Tonight they would have their anniversary meal in their kitchen with their dogs and all that would matter was that they were happy in that moment.

You had to make the most of these moments because you never knew what was around the corner. They couldn't control the future. They could only do their best to hold on to the hope that it would be a good one, the one they wanted. They weren't going to give up on that future.

  
  


 

* * *

 


	155. Strange Lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I actually have some free time at the moment which is nice so of course I'm putting it to good use by cracking on with the story. First of a(nother) two-parter...

* * *

  
  


They arrived in Germany with only time to ditch their belongings at the hotel near the circuit before dashing in to the track shortly before midday. Sebastian was spared the official press conference this time, but he still needed to spend time preparing with his team and getting a couple of media huddles out of the way on the Thursday afternoon ahead of the weekend proper beginning. Before any of that though Christian insisted on him spending some time with both the team doctor and Antti to be sure that he was fully recovered from the incident in Hungary. Seb knew there was no chance he was going to get away with simply telling them he was fine, so he submitted to letting them check him over in their own ways, the doctor concentrating on his general health and well-being while his trainer was more interested in his fitness levels. By the time he got out Sebastian was slightly relieved to be cleared seeing as he felt he hadn't done much during the week.

Mark of course maintained that was _why_ Seb was doing okay and when Britta caught up with him Sebastian was glad that rather than adding to the fuss being made she merely commented that she was pleased to see he'd had a rest and informed both him and Mark that she had already cornered as many of her media contacts as possible to set them straight going into the weekend.

 

“Though of course we know what they're like, so it's really your choice Seb. I can tell them you flat-out refuse to discuss it, or we can keep it simple and just say it was just about the team being extra-cautious,” Britta offered.

Sebastian nodded at her as they sat tucked at a table in the corner of an as yet quiet RedBull hospitality unit.

“I guess... well they're going ask aren't they? So I think maybe if I just say, you know, the stuff that was in the statement about getting dehydrated, but I was fine after, which I was.”

Mark sent Seb a sideways glance thinking he had only been fine after being seen by two doctors, being put on a drip and having a CT scan to be sure, but he knew Sebastian didn't want to get bogged down in a previous issue going into a new weekend.

“If I at least give them that today, then from tomorrow we say only racing stuff?” requested Sebastian.

“Sure,” nodded Britta. “Let them get it out of their system today and move on. I think that sounds sensible. Now, garage first then get the media out of the way?”

“Yep okay.”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“Are you going to stay here?”

Mark tapped his finger on the side of his coffee cup.

“Yeah I might walk down to the garage with you.”

“Sure,” nodded Seb.

  
  


Mark knew there was no good reason for him to need to accompany Seb, but the truth was he wanted to see the car. Quite why that was when it was highly unlikely there would be any visible sign of the work the team must surely have done in the meantime to be certain the car was fixed, he didn't know, but it felt better to walk along with Seb and Britta anyway. The weather was far cooler, not only than Hungary had been, but even than it had been back home in England. As they walked along Britta informed them that ironically the day after they had left Budapest a great thunder storm had broken the heatwave and it was cooler there now as well. Mark just nodded as they walked, thinking that hardly helped, though he knew that wasn't Britta's fault.

As they arrived in the garage all heads turned to see them and Sebastian knew that the team must know more than had been released in the statement Britta had put out. He had been in the back of the garage after he had been taken ill and even if no one had seen him faint, at least one or two had seen him sitting on the floor being checked out by the doctor and Seb could only guess how he must have looked at the time. With all the best will in the world people gossiped about that sort of thing. He hoped it had stayed internal, that his team might have showed him loyalty by not spreading more than had been officially stated about his condition, but it only took one person to tell a friend on another team and the paddock machine did its thing.

He couldn't let those concerns show though, so instead Sebastian smiled and went straight over to say hello to his guys, having a word with his engineers and then walking over to his side of the garage. The mechanics who had been working on the car parked up on stands shared a few looks as he approached. Mark knew he ought to have said his goodbyes and made his exit, hung back in the corner exchanging a few words with Britta, unable to stop himself watching Seb and looking over the car where it stood a few yards away.

 

The chief mechanic turned to Seb and put a hand on his arm in greeting.

“Seb. How are you?”

Sebastian hated that this must have been what they were discussing before he arrived, but he smiled and nodded.

“Yeah good thanks. You?”

“Um, yeah fine,” replied the mechanic seeming a little thrown.

Seb looked at the others stood around and knew he had to address what they weren't saying.

“I'm really fine. Just the heat you know. No big deal,” he assured, trying to keep his tone light.

“We really are sorry.”

“Sorry?” frowned Seb.

“The car, the hydraulics failure.”

“Oh I see. It was the heat though wasn't it?”

“Yeah but...”

“Did you find out what it was?”

“Well yeah.” The chief mechanic paused, then nodded over to the others. “Why don't we show you?”

“Yeah thanks.”

“Right, Mike, open her up, let's have a look.”

 

The mechanics began taking more of the outer cover off to reveal the workings of the machine inside and started to talk Sebastian through what had gone wrong in the previous race, pointing out where a line had burnt through and showing him how they had rectified it since.

Mike shook his head as he pointed at a repaired part.

“Never seen that before. It literally melted right through.”

“It was pretty hot,” noted Seb.

“Mm.”

Sebastian caught the look exchanged between his guys and didn't want things to start on a down here, so he peered at it more closely.

“So it was a straight-forward fix?” he asked.

“Yeah once we'd worked out the problem. Obviously it's all new parts through that section,” noted Steve. “They flew them direct to meet us here on Monday, but we've come up with a resolution to insulate that whole section better.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah if you look here...”

 

Mark watched on as Sebastian leaned into the engine examining the newly insulated coating given to the internal wiring. He'd quite like to go over himself to see whatever they were pointing at, but Seb being reassured was the main thing. Moments later Daniel came through and distracted Mark by chatting with him. Dan glanced over, seeing Mark keeping an eye on Seb.

“So he's alright, yeah?” checked Daniel.

“Yeah course mate,” assured Mark. “Takes more than a bit of sun to really bother Seb.”

“Sure,” nodded Dan. “Good, well I'll just say hello. Nice to see you.”

Mark gave him a nod as Daniel went over to the other side of the garage, giving Seb a pat on the back as he greeted him. After a couple of minutes Sebastian came back over and related to Mark what his guys had told him. Mark nodded, knowing full-well why they had been so anxious to prove to their driver why the fault had occurred and how they had both fixed it and worked to prevent it happening again. He looked over to them working away once more, then turned back to Seb who was now speaking to Britta.

 

“So we're just going to get the media stuff out of the way,” noted Seb.

“Hmm? Yeah right, good idea,” Mark agreed.

“Then I can just concentrate on prepping stuff.”

“Sure. Well I guess I'll make myself scarce.”

“You can always go back to the hotel?”

“No I'm fine at the base. I'll see you later sweetheart.”

Sebastian gave him a smile and Mark smiled back, giving him a kiss on the cheek before he walked away. Mark wanted to tell him not to let the media push him around, but Seb was with Britta and he knew he just had to trust Britta wouldn't allow that to happen.

  
  


Over on the far side of the garage Mike made sure he was busy fixing one of the covers back on the side. He didn't miss the looks Mark had been sending their way, but then perhaps that was guilt on his part making him paranoid? Ever since last Sunday they'd gone over Seb's car with a fine toothcomb to be certain that they not only found the issue, but any other issue that could possibly have been related and after four days of working on it they were sure it was fixed. Of course it was typical that it was barely half the temperature here at Hockenheim than it had been in Hungary a few days ago, but they wanted to be sure there was no way anything could go wrong again. Mike looked up and saw both Mark and Seb were gone now.

He hoped Seb accepted their explanation and their apology. Christian had given them a talking to and he knew they weren't meant to be harping on about last weekend too much. They needed to move on, but sometimes that was easier said than done. Perhaps they should have gone over and apologised to Mark too? Seb seemed okay at least. Mike wondered how much of that had to do with Mark. At least he was back this weekend. It was always better with him there. Seb was happier and more relaxed, and happy driver made for a happy team. Maybe they should have done and just put Mark on staff? Mike had made that joke before, but he wasn't entirely sure he was joking.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian stood with what he couldn't avoid noticing, was a pretty packed media huddle around him. Britta had given them all a firm look as they took up position and remained by his side, but Seb had to hide taking a deep breath as he looked out at the crowd, then fixed on his smile. Cameras and microphones, voice recorders, reporters and interviewers all pressing in, trying to pretend they weren't jostling for position. He smiled out at them and let Britta take charge, reminding himself that this was just the same as normal, just a standard start to a race weekend. He could handle this, just as he did every time.

“Seb, are you quite recovered from Hungary?”

“Yes fine thank you. I'm looking forward to getting in the car again tomorrow.”

“So no lasting effects?”

“Nope.”

“You were taken to the medical centre though?”

“Just as a precaution.”

“And no hard feelings towards the team?”

“Sorry?”

“The team. You're not upset that for a second time a fault in the car has put you in danger?”

Sebastian frowned.

“I just got a bit dehydrated that's all. It's no big thing.”

“So you're not concerned that you can't trust the car?”

“No I completely trust my team.”

“And you don't fear it happening again?”

“No it was simply down to the conditions being so extreme in Hungary.” Seb glanced up at the overcast sky. “I don't think we're likely to have that here this weekend somehow.”

 

“Next please,” prompted Britta trying to move them on. She nodded at another reporter.

“Seb, good to know you're okay.”

“Thanks.”

“I was wondering, was the fact you were taken to the medical centre related to your accident last year?”

“Well I think it would be fair to say that the team wanted to be certain I was okay, but it was just a precaution. The two things were totally unrelated.”

“So what checks did they run?”

Britta stepped in.

“Guys I've already told you Sebastian will not be answering questions about his personal medical information.”

The reporter looked at her and sighed, but everyone knew it was mistake to cross Britta.

“Okay, so you feel alright to race this weekend?” he tried.

“Sure. Can't wait,” assured Sebastian trying to sound as perky as he could.

“Next,” pushed on Britta.

  
  


On it went. For all Britta had tried to pre-empt the media's questions, their insatiable curiosity meant that nearly every question was either about Seb's health or the fault that had occurred in the car in the last race. Sebastian worked hard to rebuff each one, sounding confident and as though it didn't bother him that they frequently implied that either he or the team might not be up to the job. As the crowd rearranged themselves slightly Seb turned to face the television camera pointing his way and gave an open expression to the interviewer holding the microphone.

“Are you glad to be at your home race Seb?”

“Oh yeah of course. It's great to be here.”

“Will you have family here this weekend?”

“Yep, so that'll be nice.”

“And is Mark here?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian wanted to remind them that Mark was always with him if he could be, but it was better not to get into that too much.

“Unfortunate he could be in Hungary,” noted the reporter.

“He was racing,” Seb replied, trying not to sound annoyed at the question when he was sure they must already know that.

“He must have been concerned at the problems you suffered in the race there.”

Sebastian wanted to sigh and ask what kind of husband would Mark be if he _hadn't_ been concerned? He could tell them that Mark had naturally been out of his mind with worry and it had taken a couple of days barely parting at home to rebuild themselves to get themselves ready to come here, but of course he couldn't.

“Minor issues related to the extreme heat which have been resolved. We're looking forward to the start of another weekend,” asserted Sebastian deciding not to even dignify that question with a direct answer.

He adjusted his cap and Britta stepped forwards.

“Right guys, thank you. We need to get on now.”

 

She escorted Sebastian out, ignoring the attempts by the assembled media to press more questions on him, both of them affecting temporary deafness and keeping their eyes in the direction they walked away along the paddock. Seb saved his sigh and shaken head until they were a safe distance off.

“Do you need a break?” asked Britta.

Sebastian puffed a breath and looked on towards the RedBull base where he knew Mark waited.

“Um, just ten minutes then we can get on,” he suggested.

“Sure.”

  
  


They walked back to the still quiet base and Britta went to check her laptop while Seb took what was actually fifteen minutes sat having a coffee with Mark, letting out a little frustration at the predictability of the media as he re-set himself again. Mark shook his head at hearing Seb's report of how it had gone.

“How they think it's okay to ask those things I'll never know,” Mark complained.

“Hm. I dunno Liebling. I get that they're curious, but they just don't let up.”

“No,” sighed Mark. “They didn't have anything more than was released though?”

“No. Guess that's something,” Sebastian agreed.

“Mm.”

“I think it's mostly that they're bored and don't have anything else to talk about just yet.”

“Yeah. Looking for gossip.”

“I'm sort of surprised they don't have more to be honest,” admitted Sebastian.

“Paddock being what it is you mean?”

“Yeah.”

Mark shrugged.

“I suppose that's why they were digging.”

“Frustrated they don't have more?” Seb wondered.

“Yeah maybe. Anyway you've done the right thing. You stuck out facing down their questions and you didn't give them anything extra. They can whistle for the rest.”

Sebastian smiled and huffed a little laugh.

“I love the way you put things Liebling.”

“I thought I was being very polite.”

“You are. I just like the phrase. Anyway I'm okay now. I just wanted a moan to get it out of my system. Britta says she won't allow any more personal questions now we'll be into the weekend proper.”

“Good.”

Sebastian took a sip of his coffee and shook his head.

“I mean asking if you'd be concerned about it? Really. Why ask that?”

“Mm.”

 

Sebastian looked at Mark and reached to give his hand a squeeze.

“I was so angry he could even ask that question I didn't answer it.”

Mark nodded and Sebastian frowned.

“I did do right didn't I Liebling? People won't think I'm saying you didn't care?”

“Seb, no don't be daft. People won't think anything.”

“Okay, cos I know you were.”

“Of course I was. Any idiot would know that. Apart from that idiot apparently.”

“Yeah.”

“He was just looking for a juicy quote sweetheart, ignore it.”

“'kay. To be honest I really wanted to just tell him to fuck off.”

Mark laughed.

“Ah now that really would have given him a good quote.”

“I didn't, obviously.”

“Obviously. You're far too professional.”

“Well actually I think Britta would kill me.”

“Nah I reckon Britta was thinking exactly the same thing.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Britta doesn't swear.”

“I reckon Britta swears plenty in her head,” suggested Mark. “She's just too smart to do it out-loud.”

“Ah now that sounds right,” agreed Seb. “Anyway it's done. She should be back in a minute. She said she was just going to check a few things then we're due back in the garage.”

“Sure.”

“I'm probably going to be a while.”

“That's fine.”

“You'll have company from tomorrow,” Seb noted.

“I'm looking forward to it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah course.”

 

Sebastian looked over and seeing no sign of Britta looked back to Mark.

“Mum says she doesn't think Stef can make it.”

“No, well, never mind. I'm sure she'd like to.”

“Of course. I texted her and said not to worry. She said Sofie's not been sleeping so well.”

“Right.”

“Actually she said she's sleeping fine in the day, not so much at night.”

“Sounds about right. Guess a racetrack's not so good a place for them then if they both need to be getting naps.”

Seb frowned.

“What will we do if that's us?”

“We'll manage darling.”

“Yeah but...”

“Sweetheart for starters we're more used to it here and we have the facilities. If we really have problems we'll just work around it.”

“Mm.”

“I reckon any kid of ours is going to be so used to circuits they'll feel right at home,” asserted Mark.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. When you're familiar with the sound of engines in the background is just like white noise. It'll be soothing.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Strange kind of lullaby.”

“Unconventional,” offered Mark.

“Mm, I guess we're pretty unconventional anyway,” agreed Seb.

“Would make sense if our kid is unconventional too,” offered Mark.

“Guess it would.”

 

Sebastian smiled, thinking it was a good job that there was nobody around them to overhear this conversation or they would have a different sort of gossip to worry about.

“Anyway it's fine. I understand, of course Stef has to prioritise Sofie.”

“And her,” noted Mark. “I don't suppose if she's knackered being kept up Stef fancies jumping into a busy race weekend so much.”

“No, yeah that's fair enough. We'll see them when they come to visit I guess.”

“Mm.” Mark nodded, then a thought struck him. “It's not so far to your parents' from here is it?”

“Hmm? No they're travelling in and out each day. It's just race traffic they've got to watch for.”

“Sure, so I just thought, what about if we went to them one evening?”

“Oh I suppose.” Seb nodded as he thought it through. “It's only forty minutes tops.”

“Exactly. I mean if you have to stay late at the track maybe it wouldn't work?”

“Mm,” nodded Seb, busily thinking about the timings. “Yeah I might ask Mum tomorrow.”

“Only if you want to. I don't want to make your weekend more complicated.”

“No it's a nice idea. If we could just do it for an evening it would be nice to get away from it all and then maybe Stef could come round for dinner, or even just an hour or so.”

Mark smiled, hoping the idea could work out. Seb seemed so keen to see his sister and Mark knew he worried he didn't give her and Mel enough of his time. He knew Seb would like to see his niece too. A bit of family normality away from all the pressures of the circuit might be helpful if they could manage it.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


The next morning Seb's parents and brother arrived bright and early to meet them in the RedBull hospitality unit before first practice. He received warm hugs from each of them, feeling an echo of only a couple of weeks back when they had come to watch him race at Silverstone.

“So you're really okay?” checked his mother after releasing him from a second hug just to be sure.

“Yeah I'm fine. Doc checked me yesterday and everything.”

“The doctor had to check you?”

“Mum it's normal. Just to reassure him that's all. I'm fine. They wouldn't let me race otherwise.”

“Hmm.”

Heike wanted to shake her head and say that the team seemed to have done a poor job of properly looking after him at the last race, but she didn't want to be too negative and Seb did seem alright on the surface at least.

Seb's father then his brother finally got chance to give him hugs as well and Sebastian could see the way his brother was appraising him, so he looked him in the eye.

“I just had a bad moment, a combination of things, mostly being too hot, but I'm really alright now.”

Fabian nodded slowly and Seb gave him a confirming nod back.

“Yeah okay,” accepted Fabian.

“Had a good few days off haven't you?” assured Norbert sounding positive.

“Yep.”

“There we are then.”

 

“Why don't we take a seat?” encouraged Mark knowing Seb didn't like too much fussing. “Who wants a drink?”

Sebastian gave him a smile as Mark sorted them out, glad that he was here to look after them this weekend. It might seem ungrateful, but when Seb had been on his own with his family visiting at occasional races in the past, it had sometimes felt as though it added to his stress levels as he had to worry about looking after them while he was meant to be concentrating on his racing.

Once they were all settled and the waitress brought drinks over, Seb gave his brother a smile.

“Bet you're glad school's out for the holidays?”

“God yeah,” agreed Fabian. “I really need a break.”

Sebastian thought he could tell his little brother he knew nothing of how badly he and Mark needed a break, but he simply nodded.

“Sure.”

“And I'm looking forward to coming to stay,” added Fabian.

“Thanks, yeah us too,” Seb agreed with a smile to Mark by his side who nodded agreement.

“You gonna be alright with a spot of roughing it in the garden?” asked Mark.

“Oh, um sure.”

“Course he will,” assured Norbert. “What boy doesn't like camping out?”

 

Fabian wanted to roll his eyes at his father, but instead he looked at Mark, trying to show him how mature he was.

“It's fine. I don't mind.”

“Good stuff,” nodded Mark.

“It's just we're so short of space,” explained Seb. “I've already had to tell Mel she's getting shoved in the dining room.”

“Your sister doesn't mind,” asserted Heike. “We'll go wherever there's space dear. We know you have Mark's family coming too.”

“Yeah.”

“When are they coming?”

“The Wednesday,” replied Mark.

“Ah right, well I suppose they are coming such a long way. I think it's easiest for us to stick with the Friday seeing as Mel and Jan are taking time off work.”

“Whatever's easiest is fine,” Seb assured his mother.

“My lot are flying over a bit before then actually,” explained Mark, “but they're going to have a few days in London to see the sights.”

“Ah well that's nice.”

“Just gives us chance to get our heads together when we get back from our holiday.”

“I'm sure you're looking forward to it.”

“God yeah.”

 

Mark huffed a dry little laugh and Seb nodded. Under the table unseen by his family Seb felt his foot brushed by Mark's and he gave him a smile.

“It'll just be nice to switch off for a bit.”

His mother nodded, thinking that her son could do with a proper rest and some colour in his cheeks, though hopefully not in sun that was too hot seeing as it had made him so ill recently. Fabian took a sip of his drink and looked over at Seb and Mark, an idea formulating in his head.

“So I'll be camping with your nephew?”

“Yep. That's alright isn't it mate?” checked Mark.

“Oh yeah no, that's fine. It's just, I was wondering, maybe I should come when they do? You know, seeing as we'll have the tents to put up and stuff.”

Mark smiled.

“Very thoughtful of you.”

“Oh now Fabian, don't be bothering them when they'll have enough to sort out,” countered his mother.

“I won't be any trouble. Seb's asked if I'll look after Ryan a bit. He's only twelve so he'll probably need help putting up the tent won't he?”

 

Mark could have pointed out that there were plenty of them available to help, but he didn't want to get in the middle of a family decision. He looked to Seb who shrugged.

“You can if you want,” Sebastian offered.

Fabian sat up straighter.

“Can I? Brilliant.”

Mark wanted to shake his head at the idea that getting to camp in their back garden occasioned such enthusiasm, but it was rather sweet to see how keen Fabian was.

“Fabian,” cautioned his mother.

“No go on, please. They don't mind, do you?”

Mark shrugged and Seb looked to his parents.

“If he wants to come on ahead it's fine by us.”

“Excellent,” smiled Fabian.

 

His parents shook their heads but Fabian wasn't to be dissuaded.

“I've got flights on my own before haven't I? I'll be fine. I can just help out setting things up.”

“Seb, Mark, what do you think?” asked Norbert.

“Fine by us, right sweetheart?” agreed Mark.

“Sure,” concurred Sebastian. “We'll just have to co-ordinate picking you up from the airport and Mark's family arriving.”

“I'll get an early flight.”

“Alright then.”

“Great,” smiled Fabian.

“You might regret it when we're asking you to lug things out of the garage,” smiled Mark.

“No I won't. It's fine. I want to help.”

“Very good of you mate. Well I'm sure that'll come in useful.”

Heike shook her head at the way her youngest worked to get his own way.

“Fine, but you'd better be good for them and don't get underfoot,” she insisted.

“I'm not going to get underfoot. I'm going to help.”

“Course you will,” agreed Seb. “Right, well that's good. We'll just have to finalise flights and stuff.”

“Don't be worrying about that,” assured his mother. “We'll get it all sorted.”

“Okay.”

 

“So are you all set for today?” asked Norbert.

“Yeah we're good. I spent quite a lot of time working with the team yesterday.”

“Mm and everything's okay?”

“Its fine.”

“And the car?”

“Dad it's fine. They fixed it and put in extra measures to prevent anything like that happening again. Not that it's likely in this weather.”

“Good, well as long as it's all sorted.”

Heike shook her head.

“I hope they apologised.”

“Mum.”

“No I'm sorry dear, but that was very dangerous leaving you without a drink.”

“They hardly did it on purpose. The car just developed a fault in the extreme heat.”

“Well yes, but...”

“And they've fixed it. Believe me they feel bad enough about it.”

“Hmm.”

“I'm fine Mum.”

 

Heike sighed and Seb decided that pointing out that faults occurred all the time in racing cars despite everyone's best efforts, wasn't likely to help her feel better. Mark caught his eye and looked across the table at his in-laws.

“Oh I meant to say, we had an idea didn't we sweetheart?”

He gave Seb a little prompting look and Sebastian realised what Mark was hinting at to distract his mother.

“Yeah, we were just thinking, are you busy tomorrow night?” picked up Seb.

“Busy?” frowned his mother. “We're coming to watch you.”

“In the evening. Mark and I wondered if we might come over for dinner?”

“Oh. Come to us?”

“Yeah. If that's okay?”

“Of course it's okay. Aren't you going to be busy?”

“Well hopefully not. It depends how things go tomorrow, but I think I could get to you guys for eight. We wouldn't be able to stay late, but it would be nice to get away from things and just feel normal for a bit.”

“Well of course. We'd love that wouldn't we?”

Heike turned to her husband who nodded.

“You're always welcome, you know that,” reminded Norbert. “We just assume you'll be busy working.”

“Well like I say, I'm hoping I can get done in time.”

“Then of course, yes it would be nice to have you home.”

“I thought maybe Stef might be able to pop over? I don't know if that'll be too late with the baby?”

“I'm sure she'd love to see you dear,” assured his mother. “Sofie can always have a nap at ours. Why don't I give her a ring?”

“Only if it's convenient.”

“I'm sure it will be,” asserted his mother. “Yes, that's a good idea. I'm sure it will do you good to get away from things for a spell.”

“It was Mark's idea.”

Heike smiled at Mark.

“A very good one dear. Very thoughtful.”

Mark just shrugged.

“We just can't guarantee what time, that's all. Depends when Seb finishes up here with the team.”

“Well now Seb, don't be rushing,” advised Norbert. “That has to be your priority.”

“His well-being is his priority,” argued Heike. “It'll do him good to get a break.”

 

Seb glanced at Mark and hid a little sigh at his parents arguing. They meant well, he knew that, but it was rarely entirely simple dealing with them.

“I'll just have to see how I go. We've got a hire car so Mark can drive us. You guys go on after quali and we'll catch up if that's okay?”

“Of course it's okay,” assured his mother. “That will give me chance to get dinner ready for when you arrive. You don't need to stay late.”

“No I'll need an early night, but it'd be nice to come home.”

“I thought we were going to go out for dinner?” pointed out Fabian.

His mother turned to him and shook her head.

“Your brother wants to come home.”

Fabian sighed a little. Dinner at home wasn't very exciting. His brother caught the look on his face and shrugged.

“We could get dinner here tonight if you can stay?”

“Oh can we?”

“Fabian your brother can't be running around after us all weekend.”

“No it's alright. We've got to eat haven't we Mark?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark. “We can just go somewhere handy in town. Assuming you guys don't mind hanging around for a few hours?”

 

Heike and Norbert looked at one another, ignoring the hopeful face of their youngest son, before nodding, both thinking that getting more time with Seb was of course a good thing.

“Very well, we can do that,” agreed Norbert. “I'm sure we can keep ourselves busy here and if you have a lot to do we can go on ahead to the restaurant can't we?”

“Yeah. Hopefully there won't be too much to follow-up on. We've not got any big upgrades this weekend. They'll be saving anything like that for Spa.”

“After the break.”

“Yeah exactly.”

“Very well then,” nodded his father. “Right, we'll sort that all out. Don't you need to be getting on?”

“Um, yeah I guess I should change,” agreed Seb.

“Don't you need to talk with your team before you get in the car?” wondered his mother.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah we did that already.”

“I thought it didn't start until ten. What time did you get here?” frowned Heike, looking at the large clock on the wall which read just gone nine am.

“Umm, bit over an hour ago.”

Mark smiled and put his arm around Seb sat beside him.

“Seb likes to get stuck in don't you darling?”

Seb shrugged.

“I just like to be involved. Anyway, I should change. You guys okay here?”

“Of course,” assured his father.

“Right, back in a bit.”

 

Sebastian stood, Mark naturally going with him and his family were left sat around waiting. Heike gave Fabian a shake of her head.

“You shouldn't ask so much of your brother.”

Fabian pulled a face.

“I'm not asking stuff.”

“Yes you are.”

“Ah now Heike he just wants to spend time with him,” counselled Norbert.

Heike shook her head.

“Seb is very busy and you're not to go making him worry about anything extra this weekend.”

“I'm not.” Fabian sighed. He looked around them to see no one was too close. “They've not mentioned anything about, you know, the agency stuff.”

Heike shook her head.

“No and for heavensake don't ask them. You are not to upset Seb this weekend Fabian.”

“I'm not going to upset him,” protested Fabian, stung by how unfair his mother was being.

His father put his hand on Fabian's arm.

“Just let it rest Fabian. They'll tell us when they've anything to tell. Your mum's right, Seb needs to focus on racing this weekend.”

Fabian nodded, knowing it did no good arguing with his parents when they were like this. They simply didn't understand that his brother talked to him differently when they weren't around. At least he looked okay though. Fabian had been worrying all week about his brother racing so soon after getting ill at the last race. Mark didn't seem concerned though, so it had to be okay. Once he saw Seb driving in the car Fabian thought he'd feel better.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


That evening the whole family felt rather better after Sebastian had completed a fairly straight-forward day of practise on the track. Nothing spectacular, but solid running and they were all happy to take that today. Once Seb had finished with the team he changed out of work clothes in his room and the whole family headed straight into town to the restaurant his father had booked a table at while they were waiting around during the day. As they reassembled outside after parking their cars a street away, Fabian looked to his brother.

“Do people know where you go?”

“Hmm?” frowned Sebastian.

“Like the press and fans and stuff.”

“Um, sometimes. I don't know. Why?”

“I thought I saw someone over there.”

“Where?”

Fabian pointed over the road and along the street to corner where a collection of signposts obscured the view.

Mark frowned over.

“There's nobody there.”

“There was though.”

Norbert shook his head.

“Just someone walking along Fabian.”

“No he was stood there.”

“What did he look like?” asked Mark.

“Dunno. He was kind of out of the way and it's too far off.”

“Did he have a camera?”

“I'm not sure.”

Heike huffed and shook her head.

“Press. Why won't they leave you alone?”

Sebastian looked to Mark who shook his head and put an arm around him.

“Come on, let's go in.”

 

They all trooped in, Mark and Sebastian leading, Fabian behind with parents either side quietly ticking him off for making a scene.

“I _did_ see someone,” hissed Fabian to his father as they stood waiting for the maître d'.

“Don't go worrying your brother,” hushed Heike.

Norbert shook his head as he noticed Sebastian and Mark had heard that.

“I'm sure it's nothing,” he assured more loudly. “Could just be a fan couldn't it? People are bound to stare if they spot Seb around here.”

 

Sebastian saw the way they were looking at him so he nodded, not wanting them to worry, even if it did actually bother him.

“Yeah probably just a curious local Fabe. People stare, you get used to it.”

“Do you?”

“Well kind of. Home grand prix isn't it? So people are more likely to recognise me I guess.”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Fabian. “I didn't actually see a camera or anything and he was only there a minute.”

“Probably just nosy,” assured Mark.

The maître d' reappeared to lead them to their table and as they walked across Mark looked to Seb who gave a tiny shrug.

“It's probably nothing,” whispered Mark.

Seb nodded. He hoped so. Life had made him so paranoid, he couldn't afford to let it spoil his time with his family.

 

As they ate their meal and passed the time chatting about how the day had gone and more about ordinary family life, Seb gradually forgot about the incident when they arrived, but when they paid the bill a smartly dressed man came over and introduced himself as the restaurant manager. He stood by Sebastian and Mark and spoke quietly.

“Forgive me, but I thought I should let you know that I've been told there are some people in front.”

Everyone around the table looked to him and Seb frowned.

“People? What kind of people.”

“I'm not sure. Fans perhaps? I went to look and there were a few with cameras, so perhaps...”

“Press.”

“Possibly. I'm sorry sir, I have no idea how they knew.”

“Hmm.”

“Maybe that guy put it on Twitter?” suggested Fabian.

“Yeah maybe.”

 

Mark glanced around thinking that any one of the other patrons could have done the same. It wasn't that unusual to have fans around away from the track during race weekends, especially outside hotels, but it felt intrusive when they had family there. Heike was shaking her head unhappily and whispering to her husband. Seb looked to Mark thinking his mother was quite likely to give whoever was out there a piece of her mind, which if there was media there, would doubtless not end well.

“Forgive me sir,” interceded the manager who was still standing by them. “I was going to suggest, there is a rear staff entrance that you could use if that was preferable?”

“Oh right.”

“It leads onto the road behind. Did you drive here?”

“Um yeah.”

Sebastian described where they had parked and the manager nodded, then explained how they could easily cut through to reach their car without passing the front of the restaurant. He looked to Mark who nodded.

“Be easier.”

“Yeah.”

Seb looked across to his family and quickly told them the change of plan before they gathered their things and followed the man to the back of the restaurant and through a door down a less than glamorous corridor passing what looked like a break-room to reach an exit which he held open for them.

“So if you just head down this way you'll come out in the right place.”

“Thanks.”

“Yep very good of you mate,” added Mark.

  
  


The family exited with nods and thanks and as they walked along the narrow back road Fabian bounced into place next to his brother.

“This is fun.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Is it?”

“Yeah, we're giving them the slip.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Guess we are. Very sneaky of us.”

“Mm, I feel a bit bad if they were really just fans, but I can't be doing with press right now,” admitted Sebastian.

“Do you think that guy was press earlier?”

Mark gave Fabian a look which even in the low light he spotted.

“Sorry, just, I mean if he told the others?”

“I dunno, maybe,” allowed Sebastian. “He could just be anyone. These days if you have an iphone you can tell the world where someone is.”

“That's a bit creepy.”

“Mm.”

Mark slipped his hand into Seb's.

“It's fine. Like you said Fabe, we gave them the slip.” He gave Seb's hand a reassuring squeeze. “They don't own you darling. You deserve some private time even if they are only fans.”

“Yeah.”

 

Just as the manager had said, when they reached the end of the back road they came out near to where they had parked the cars and Norbert gave his son a smile.

“Short cut. Shoulda come this way in the first place.”

“Never mind about that,” interrupted Heike. “Now then, you'll get an early night?”

“We're straight to the hotel, straight to bed,” assured Seb.

“Good.”

She leaned in to kiss him in the cheek, then gave Mark a hug for good measure.

“We'll see you in the morning then. Mel will be with us and we're all set for tomorrow night at home.”

“Yeah, thanks Mum.”

Heike glanced around to be sure nobody had followed them, then realised that she was getting paranoid as well.

“Be nice to have our own space won't it?” she offered lightly.

“Yeah it will. Okay, thanks for coming.”

 

The family exchanged goodbyes and headed off in opposite directions to reach the spots they had found to park their cars. As they walked away Heike looked back and noted the way Sebastian and Mark were holding hands and was glad for it. She didn't like the idea of people seeking her son out whoever they were, but at least if he was with Mark she felt better about it.

“Alright love?” checked her husband.

Heike turned her head back to him.

“Yes. I'll be glad to have him home.”

“Me too.”

  
  


  
  


As they got back to their hotel room Sebastian sat on the bed and Mark looked over.

“Alright?”

“Mm.”

Mark frowned and went to sit with him.

“What is it?”

Sebastian shrugged, but Mark knew that was a cue to give him a gentle push.

“I know it's not great people always hanging around,” he offered.

“I guess they could just have been fans,” allowed Seb.

“Yeah of course, but now wasn't the time. They'll get over it. You don't need to feel guilty for bypassing them.”

“Mm.”

Mark turned more inwards.

“Do you think it was press?”

“I dunno. Maybe.”

“Home grand prix. There's bound to be interest.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed heavily and Mark looked at him.

“It's not that is it?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I can't help thinking. That guy Fabian saw hanging around...”

Mark furrowed his brow then leaned in as he realised what Seb was thinking.

“No sweetheart.”

“It could be.”

“He'd never dare.”

“Why not? He has before.”

Mark puffed a breath, then thought of something.

“That report said there'd been no activity on his passport.”

“Yeah but this is after isn't it? And, well... I kindof thought I saw something similar in Hungary.”

“What?” Mark sat forwards slightly. “You saw someone hanging around?”

“Sort of. Not really. I don't know Liebling. It was in front of the hotel on the Saturday night. I didn't really see anything, just... I got the impression someone was there.”

Sebastian heard his own voice and shook his head.

“I didn't _actually_ see anything. I sound paranoid. I don't know. I thought I saw something and then Lewis showed up, so it could have been him.”

“Why didn't you mention anything?”

“Because I didn't really see anything. And then, well, there was other stuff going on wasn't there? I forgot about that bit.”

“Right.”

 

Mark let out a long breath not wanting them to work themselves up.

“Okay. So it could be nothing couldn't it? That awful social worker has probably made us all paranoid.”

“Yeah I know.”

“And of course it's normal for people to be around and it's no surprise if folk stop and look if they see you.”

“Yeah exactly. I know Liebling. If was him I don't suppose his first thought would be to tweet it so a bunch of other people turned up.”

“No. Mm, that's a good point.”

“But it could be.”

  
Mark shook his head and stroked over Seb's arm.

“Probably not though. You haven't seen anything else?” he checked.

“No.”

“Right, so... if that was last Saturday I wonder when Legal made their enquiries.”

“Might be before then,” noted Seb.

“Mm. Okay, so...” Mark nodded, trying to formulate a calm plan. “Probably is absolutely nothing, but why don't we ask them to re-check it to be certain?”

“It's too late now.”

“Well tomorrow.”

“A Saturday.”

“Darling they work for an F1 team. Believe me, they work weekends, especially race weekends.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“I can ring them in the morning. Ask them to do whatever they did to check his passport over again and then we'll know.”

Sebastian nodded, but he looked worried.

“What if they find something?”

Mark shook his head.

“I don't think they will.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes darling. I think we've been made paranoid. Even if he was going to try something I'm pretty sure he's still on watch lists at race tracks, so that's a no go, and why would he pick here when you're bound to have all your family around?”

“Yeah I suppose that's true.”

“Your little brother on watchdog duty,” added Mark, trying to lighten the tone.

Seb smiled a little.

“Yeah I guess.”

“We're being paranoid. Press and fans and all that. Your Mum's right, we'll have a bit of peace at theirs tomorrow night and leave all that behind.”

Sebastian nodded more firmly.

“That'll be nice.”

“And I can call the legal office first thing and get the matter cleared up so we don't need to worry about it.”

“Should be me that calls,” pointed out Seb.

“I don't want you stressing,” Mark worried.

“No it's okay. You can be on it, but I should ask them. We can do it before we go to the track. You're right, they should be in seeing as we're an hour ahead.”

“Okay, there we go then.”

Seb let out a long breath and Mark gave him a hug.

“Don't let it get to you darling.”

Sebastian nodded. It was hard not to though. At least Mark was right. He had his family all around him this weekend, Mark was with him. Even if he was being paranoid it felt better to be protected, just in case.

  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning they sat back in position on the bed, Seb on speaker-phone to the legal office back in Milton Keynes, only marginally surprised to find someone there at 8.30am their time on a Saturday morning. He was relieved that he had got lucky and it was the same lawyer he had spoken to earlier in the week that was on duty.

 

“I know it must sound a bit strange, but is it possible to re-run just the passport check?” requested Sebastian once they had got through the preliminaries.

“Um, well yes I don't see why not. Was there a problem with it?”

“No no, and it's just for us.”

“I see. Has there been an incident?”

“Not really, just... I'm probably just being paranoid. Someone was around, probably no one, but...”

“You'd like me to eliminate a possibility?”

“Um, yeah that's a good way of putting it.”

“Sure. I can do that.”

Sebastian glanced to Mark feeling more comfortable at the way this was being handled.

“Thank you. I really appreciate it. It won't take a lot of your time?”

“No just a phone-call.”

“Should I ask who to?”

“Mm, might be best if you don't. Shall we just say back channels?”

“Oh right, okay.”

“Nothing too dodgy, just by-passing some paperwork to hurry things along. Nothing you need worry about.”

“Right, okay well thanks Alex.”

“I'll get back to you as soon as I have anything.”

“That would be good, thank you.”

“Good luck today.”

“Yeah, thanks, okay well...”

“I'll be in touch.”

“Do you want my number?” offered Mark piping up.

“Oh um if that's better?”

“Yeah it would probably be,” asserted Sebastian.

“Right then, fire away.”

 

Mark gave his number and they ended the call, Seb letting out a long breath as he looked to him.

“He must think I'm mad.”

“No darling he sounded nothing of the kind. I think whatever settles the matter is good.”

“As long as it shows nothing.”

Mark nodded. He hoped to god the passport check _did_ show no activity, or at least none in this direction, or he knew all hell could break loose.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian did his best to put the matter from his mind as the set off for the day, but despite accepting Mark's reminder that circuit security were bound to know not to let Heikki into their grounds, he couldn't help looking around at his surroundings just to be sure. He peered over at each tall blonde head in the crowd, but every time it was nothing and Seb was starting to think he might have to revert back to Dr Menton's old advice to take snaps with his phone so he could check them afterwards to reassure himself.

During the run-through with the team Seb found his mind wandering to places it shouldn't and he got annoyed with himself when he had to ask the engineers to repeat their instructions for the planned run in final practice. Sebastian caught the way they glanced at one another and he wanted to tell them he wasn't being forgetful. Pointing out that he hadn't been listening in the first place was hardly an improvement though, so he merely listened more carefully and made a few notes to refer to before nodding and thanking them.

As he headed back along the paddock Seb thought about how Mark had walked him down earlier and offered to meet him again and wondered if Mark got as paranoid as he did.

  
  


Moments later Sebastian walked into hospitality and thankfully all other matters went away as he saw his family were there with Mark, his sister Mel coming over to give him a hug.

“I'm sorry I couldn't make it yesterday,” she apologised.

“Oh no it's fine.”

“Mum didn't say you were going out in the evening or I could have driven over for dinner.”

“Oh right, yeah I should have asked you. Sorry.”

“Never mind. Fabe tells me you were dodging the press.”

“Um, something like that,” agreed Seb. “Are you coming tonight?”

“Course.”

“Right, that'll be nice.”

“Free food,” smiled Mel.

“Home cooked food,” added Seb. “I get so sick of room service.”

“Alright for some.”

“Mm.”

“Aren't you sitting down?” prompted their mother from behind them and Seb looked over to see the rest of the family waiting expectantly.

“Sorry, yeah.”

 

Sebastian took the empty seat waiting by Mark and accepted the kiss on the cheek before leaning in to whisper.

“I don't suppose you've had a call?”

Mark shook his head.

“It's only just gone ten.”

“Sure. Yeah okay,” nodded Seb.

“Everything alright?” enquired his mother from across the table.

“Hmm? Yeah fine.”

“Have you got to dash off?”

“No I've got a while.”

“Everything all set with the team?” asked his father.

“Mm, yeah fine.”

“Just final set up isn't it?” assured Mark.

“Yep. Yeah it's fine. We do most of the prep work on Fridays you know.”

“Of course,” nodded his father.

“No need to rush then,” decided his mother. “Have a little rest.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh at the idea he might need a rest by ten am, but he did find himself relaxing as the family chatted and it almost seemed a shame when he had to go and change ready for the last free practice.

 

When he returned to the garage Sebastian felt more focussed and he had to admit to himself that his mother's suggestion he have a rest and a break was actually a good one. Spending time with his family did tend to put things in perspective. His sister had made a joke about him being so popular these days he had groupies who waited around outside restaurants and though their mother had told her off for it, Seb preferred to think of that than the alternative. As he got another few minutes with the team just prior to FP3 Seb tried to remind himself what they had said earlier and wished he had paid more attention first thing. It was ridiculous letting himself get paranoid and allowing it to throw him off his game. He couldn't afford that before he got in the car.

“So basically just a little tweak on the front wing, so you can let them know how that feels in the bends,” completed Steve.

Seb looked up at him, realising he'd phased out again. Damnit. He'd been too busy thinking about how he hadn't been concentrating earlier. Irony alert.

“Um, yeah sure.”

“Everything alright?”

“Yep, all good.”

Sebastian caught sight of Mark bringing his family to squash into the back of the garage and gave the mechanics a nod before popping over to say hello and check they were all set before he needed to get into the car. It was fine. It was only practice to see how the car felt. He could do that and then he'd feel ready for qualifying.

  
  


  
  


A little after an hour later he walked back into his room with Mark while his family waited downstairs.

“So no message?” checked Seb.

“Sweetheart it's only been a couple of hours.”

“Mm, he just said he had to make a call though.”

“Yes but a call presumably asking someone to run a check, which may take a while, especially if they're doing it off the books,” Mark noted.

Sebastian sighed and sat down on the bed, Mark going to join him.

“You can't be worrying about this today. The whole point was meant to be to put it out of your mind,” pointed out Mark.

“I know, but... I just need to hear something now.”

“Seb.”

“I know I'm being paranoid.”

“You need to concentrate on driving.”

“I know,” sighed Seb. “Do you think we should call him back?”

“No darling I think you need to forget it.”

 

Sebastian puffed a long breath and sat further back on the bed.

“I know.”

Mark sat with him.

“He'll call us when he has something.”

“How do you think he finds out?”

“I guess a well-placed call to someone who can run a check on these things?” mooted Mark. “I was thinking, isn't this the same guy we saw all that time back in Christian's office?”

“When? Oh,” stopped Seb as he realised. “Yeah.”

“The one with the friend in the police,” noted Mark.

“Oh. Oh I see.”

“Yeah. So that would be my bet.”

Sebastian frowned.

“He wouldn't be talking to him about it?”

“I'm sure not specifically.”

“But he'd have to tell him something.”

“Just that he was running a check. He wouldn't gossip Seb, he's a smart guy, he knows that sort of thing could lose him his job.”

“I suppose.”

“And if it is that same police officer as his contact then he doesn't need telling why he's asking does he?”

Sebastian nodded reluctantly.

“Yeah I suppose he already knows.”

He sighed, not happy to be reminded that there were more people in the world who knew of his troubles. Thinking back to two years ago wasn't good, but at least when he'd come to take their statements the police detective had seemed a decent enough person and had assured them of their confidentiality. Seb simply had to believe that was true and they could trust him.

 

“Sweetheart I know it's hard, but you have to put this to the back of your mind and just get on with things,” advised Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“I know it's easier said than done,” allowed Mark.

“No it's okay. You're right. It's just swirling in my head.”

 

Mark turned into him and put his hands either side on top of Seb's head before slowly stroking them down and away as if wiping his mind of troubles.

“All gone darling. The lawyer will call and everything will be fine. In the meantime we'll have a nice lunch with your family and then we're all going to watch you go great in quali.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Such confidence.”

“Always.”

Mark gave him a kiss which Seb returned before taking a deep settling breath.

“Okay, I'm gonna grab a shower.”

“And you're alright?”

“Yeah I'll be fine.”

 

  
  


  
  


Sebastian _did_ feel fine right up until the point where he walked down to the garage with Britta while Mark looked after his family until they caught up just before qualifying started. A blonde head in the crowd caught his eye only for the man to turn around for Seb to see he clearly bore no resemblance to Heikki. He stopped for a moment and took in the scene of the busy paddock and realised how many blonde heads there were. This was Germany. It was hardly uncommon. He was being ridiculous.

“Everything okay?” checked Britta.

“Hm? Yeah, sorry.”

Sebastian walked on, Britta by his side. By the time they reached the garage Seb wanted to slam his hand against the wall. He was letting Heikki get to him. Damnit, damnit, damnit. This was what he did. Heikki got into the crevices of his brain and drove him crazy. The worst of it was Seb knew he was the one doing this to himself. Heikki didn't have to lift a finger to throw him off course, Seb did all the work for him.

He paused again in the rear of the garage and closed his eyes as he took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. He could see Britta looking at him again and Sebastian gave her a glance.

“Sorry.”

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah course. Sorry Britta it's nothing. Just clearing my head.”

“Not too much hopefully.”

Seb smiled.

“Hopefully not, no. Need to have something up there.”

  
  


  
  


As he got into the car for the start of qualifying Sebastian gave his family a last little wave before pulling out of the garage and setting off. He felt as though he had done as he'd intended and put everything out of his mind except his work preparing for this session with the team, but FP3 hadn't gone how he wanted and as he set off on his first out-lap Seb could feel the little niggles that he ought to have sorted out that morning. There wasn't much he could do now though. Just set a banker lap to get through, then return to the garage.

He spent the session trying to work with the team, making adjustments to the car to improve the car each time he returned to the garage, but it felt as though he was playing catch-up the whole time. With a decent enough car getting into Q2 wasn't too bad, but Q3 took an effort when Dan breezed through and as Sebastian went out on his first real lap of the final part of qualifying the car was still too loose on the turn in to the corners, the rear end flailing out as he tried to straighten up meaning that he wasted time regaining control of the car before being able to put his foot down and race down the straights.

Coming back around to the pits after his cool-down lap Sebastian was already on the radio telling his team he still had oversteer and Mark stood listening on his headphones shaking his head. He could hear the frustration in Seb's voice even as he tried to sound professional. As Seb was wheeled back into the garage before his last chance run Mark looked over and tried to impart encouragement into his expression. He wished he could go over and duck down beside the car to give him a quick pep talk, but that wasn't how things worked. Maybe his words wouldn't make any difference anyway. Mark knew Seb was trying his hardest. The car wasn't bad, it was just ever so slightly off what it ought to be in terms of set-up. The margins were so fine in F1 that if everything wasn't perfect all the effort in the world wasn't enough.

 

Seb went out and as the seconds ticked down he passed the start-finish line and shot off on his last qualifying lap. He flung the car around the circuit, trying to ignore how the lack of complete control unsettled him. He gave it everything but as he came back around Sebastian already knew it wasn't enough.

“That's sixth, no sorry, seventh now,” announced his engineer over the radio.

Sebastian continued on around, sighing inside his helmet before he pressed the radio button to reply.

“Sorry guys, just not enough today.”

In the garage Mark shook his head again, then caught Fabian looking at him and removed his headphones, Fabian doing the same.

“Seventh isn't so bad,” offered Mark.

“Not great though.”

“He did his best.”

“Yeah, no of course.”

Mark was about to say that the car wasn't set-up right, but he noticed the way the rest of the family were looking at him.

“No points on Saturdays. Plenty of opportunities for overtaking in the race,” he reminded them in an upbeat tone.

  
  


Shortly after Sebastian was back in the garage, nodding along as his family assured him that seventh place wasn't so bad.

“At least you got into Q3,” offered Fabian.

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“Yeah, guess so.”

Seb saw Britta hovering and gave them a smile.

“Duty calls.”

Mark nipped in to give him a quick hug.

“Shall I wait or..?”

“No you go back with them. I won't be long.”

“Sure.”

  
  


  
  


The family sat in hospitality watching the driver interviews play out from the pen, Sebastian appearing before too long, smile in place as he answered the questions posed.

“So just not your day then?” offered the unseen interviewer.

“Ah I guess. I'll have to see what I can do from seventh tomorrow.”

“You apologised on the radio to the team, why was that?”

“Um, just not the result we wanted.”

“You felt it was your fault?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'm the one in the car.”

  
  


Heike turned from watching the screen to the family group around here and shook her head.

“I wish he wouldn't do that.”

“Do what?” asked Fabian.

“Put himself down.”

“I think he doesn't want to blame the team Mum,” offered Mel.

“Well you think the car wasn't right don't you Mark?”

“Oh um, well I didn't quite mean that,” qualified Mark trying to think what he had said to give that impression. “It's very fine lines once you get into Q3.”

“You mean the times?” asked Mel.

“Well yeah, he was only a couple of tenths off Dan in fourth, but I meant the car. It's the tiniest of tweaks sometimes that make the difference.”

“So can they can still tweak it for the race, right?”

“Yep, I'm sure they will. Like he said, plenty of scope from seventh.”

Just then his phone sprang into life and Mark pulled it out to see an unknown number calling.

“Sorry, will you excuse me a moment?”

He got up and walked away, looking for a quiet spot to take the call out of earshot of anyone.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just leaving it meanly there as usual, rotter that I am...
> 
> Next part to follow if people are caught up.


	156. Sights, Sounds and Smells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunday night, so here's an update to complete the other part of this chapter.

* * *

  
  


  
  


When Seb walked back in with Britta he came in to greet his family, thanking them for their encouragement and ignoring his mother's hints that it was surely the car at fault before Mark dropped hints he might want to go change and they disappeared up to his room. As soon as the door shut behind them Mark smiled at him and Seb frowned a little at seeing him so pleased seeing as he'd had not the best of times that afternoon.

“What?”

“The lawyer guy Alex rang from MK,” announced Mark.

“Oh?”

Mark beamed.

“Nothing.”

“You're sure?”

“Yep he said they ran a check, well his contact did, and it's all-clear, not a whisper of activity on Heikki's passport for months.”

“All the way up to today?”

“All the way up to today. Not left Finland, not used his passport at all this entire year. So there we go.”

“Oh thank god,” sighed out Seb, his entire body relaxing.

 

Mark pulled him into a hug, knowing Sebastian had been weighed with the worry.

“I know, big relief right sweetheart?”

Seb let out another long breath and nodded.

“Yeah. Ah, god, pfffff.”

“Come and sit down.”

Mark guided Sebastian to sit on the bed and gave him another hug as they both let the relief flow through them. As Seb took another settling breath he shook his head.

“God I can't believe I let it get to me. I feel so stupid.”

“No darling, I worried too. That's why we had to check.”

“I've let myself get so paranoid.”

“No you've have a rough few weeks and other people made you paranoid. That's not the same thing.”

“I was starting to think I was seeing him around here. _God_. Why? Why do I do this to myself?” bemoaned Sebastian. “I've been all over the place today. I let him get in my head.”

 

Mark reached and took his hand.

“Seb sweetheart let's just be grateful it's nothing. Don't punish yourself.”

Sebastian nodded and rubbed over his face with his hands.

“So many bloody blonde people about. I just couldn't help looking.”

“Yeah.”

“You too?”

“Well, let's say I kept my eyes open. But it would never had made sense for him to come here. He'd be scared of circuit security.”

“Yeah I guess. Anyway, okay. I'm glad we checked though.”

“Me too. Do you want to call him?”

“Who?”

“The lawyer.”

“Oh, no, I mean he didn't say anything else?”checked Seb.

“No just that there was no activity to report on his passport at all. So that's really all we need to know isn't it?”

“Yeah guess it is.”

“Feel better?” asked Mark.

Sebastian leaned into him and nodded. Mark smiled and gave him a little squeeze.

“I think we're in need of that holiday aren't we?”

“God yeah,” agreed Seb.

 

Sebastian let out a sigh.

“Ah bollocks though. I know I messed up quali cos of all this.”

Mark shrugged.

“Water under the bridge.”

“Yeah but I start from seventh now. My head just wasn't in the game at all today.”

Mark let go of him and turned sideways to look at him.

“Okay, but it's done with.”

“I suppose. I guess I'll just have to see what I can do from seventh.”

“Yeah. Well okay. Is it set-up?”

“Mostly. It just felt off. I wasn't imagining the problem.”

“No course not. You had oversteer, you could see that.”

“Mm.”

“You've done most of the prep work yesterday though, I mean all the rest, the tyres, long runs, all that?” checked Mark.

“Mm, that's true.”

“So you just need to get the set-up fixed.”

“Mm. Car's under Parc Fermé now though,” pointed out Seb.

“Well yes, but if it's just a tweak they can make adjustments in the morning.”

“Yeah I guess so. No way of testing if we've got it right though.”

“Would looking at Dan's set-up help?”

“Maybe. I guess that's what I need to do now, pull all of yesterday's and Dan's data and work it out with the guys.”

“Sure, well you're good at that. You'll get it fixed.”

“Such faith,” smiled Sebastian.

“Of course. Just get your head down and you'll be right for tomorrow.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark saw a frown and dipped his head.

“What?”

“No just. I was really looking forward to going to Mum and Dad's tonight.”

“Ah. Will it take that long?”

“I don't know.”

Mark looked at his watch.

“Okay. Quarter to four. Is three hours realistic?”

“Maybe.”

“I can shave a bit of time off the journey,” asserted Mark.

“I bet you can, laughed Seb.“Okay so half an hour to get there. Half seven leaving here at the latest if we go straight there.”

“Which we can, no problem. Get there for eight, stay till, well whenever you like, but say, maybe ten?”

“Yeah I can't leave much later.”

“Sure, they won't mind. Two hours is alright isn't it? Time for dinner and a bit of chat, see your sister.”

Seb nodded, calculating he could have three, three and a half hours time with his team. That should be enough.

 

“Yep, okay I need to jump in the shower. They won't mind if I can't sit with them now will they?”

“Who, your family?”

“Yeah.”

Mark laughed.

“Sweetheart the whole point is so you can spend time with them tonight. Of course they won't mind.”

“Right.”

“Shall I go down and tell them?” wondered Mark.

“Tell them?”

“That you need to crack on with the team so you have to dash off.”

“Oh right, um yeah I guess they could go on home, though don't kick them out if they want to stay just having coffee and stuff Liebling.”

“As if I'd kick them out?”

“No okay. Ha, oh my my god I feel like a weight is lifted off me now.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yeah me too.”

“You won't tell them that other stuff will you? I don't want them worrying about us getting paranoid.”

“No okay.”

“Unless... has Fabe been worrying do you think?”

“Nah he thinks it was a paparazzo lurking.”

“Oh right. I suppose it could have been.”

Mark gave him a look.

“Now don't go finding something new to worry about,” he advised.

“No. No okay, you're right, let's forget it. The most exciting thing he could have got is us standing outside a restaurant, not exactly front page stuff.”

“Not unless it's really a very empty news day.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian pushed himself up off the bed, then turned and kissed Mark on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you?” frowned Mark.

“Just for giving me good news, for suggesting we check.”

“Ah well we should probably thank the lawyer for being so efficient on a Saturday.”

“And whoever his mystery contact is.”

“Mm, well I suspect we're best off not knowing too much.”

“Yeah.”

“Right. I'm gonna let your folks know and you can get on.”

“I'll stop to say hello.”

“Course you will,” accepted Mark, knowing even if he was officially rushing of, Seb couldn't stand the idea that he might be neglectful of his family. He might well have to intervene to make sure Seb didn't get caught up with it all.

 

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


Shortly after eight pm Mark pulled up in their hire car outside Seb's parents' house. He looked at the time and then over at Seb.

“Not too bad,” he noted.

Sebastian nodded and gave him a smile.

“Thank you Liebling. Sorry I couldn't get away earlier.”

“Nonsense, plenty of time. Shall we go in?”

“Yep.”

  
  


They headed up the path and knocked on the door. Moments later it was opened by Fabian who welcomed them in. As soon as they walked into the hallway they could hear a wailing noise and they went through to see Stefanie sat on the sofa with Sofie who was pink-faced and squalling. They said hellos to Mel and Jan who were talking on one side, then Seb went over to his other sister accompanied by Mark and took a seat next to her. Once they'd said hello Sebastian leaned over the baby and looked at her.

“Is she okay?”

“Yeah she's just having a moment,” assured Stefanie with a voice that spoke of being used to such disruptions.

“She's so big now,” observed Seb. “I can't believe how much she's grown!”

“Yeah they do that,” smiled Stef. “It's been a while since you saw her.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay. How are you?”

“Oh you know, alright.”

“Not volunteering to have a go this time?”

“Oh um...”

“It's okay.”

Stef shifted the baby to hold her against her chest, giving her a little jig up to calm her.

“There now, shh shh, don't go putting your Onkel Seb off,” she warned.

 

Sebastian saw the way Mark smiled at him and shrugged.

“I can take her if you want?” he offered.

“You want a hold?” asked Stef in surprise.

“Yeah if you like. You can have a rest,” Seb offered.

Stefanie raised her eyebrows, but as her brother offered over his arms she passed him the crying baby, only too glad to get a break. Seb copied his sister's hold and gave Sofie a gentle lift up and down, turning his head in to look at her.

“Hello.”

Sofie paused her crying for a moment and looked at the strange face in front of her. Sebastian looked her back into her green eyes and gave her a smile.

“Have you forgotten me Schätzchen? I'm your Onkel Seb and this is Onkel Mark.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at how seriously he was talking to her and raised a hand to give the baby a wave.

“Hey there little one,” he greeted.

Sofie looked at them uncertainly then began crying again.

“Ah well,” shrugged Stef. “A good thirty seconds peace there. Counts as a win.”

Seb turned his head to look at his sister.

“Is she still not well?”

Stef sighed.

“Just a bit off, that's all. She's okay really.”

“You look tired.”

Stef huffed a laugh.

“Thanks a bunch.”

“No I didn't mean...” Seb sighed and shook his head. “Sorry.”

“It's alright. I am tired. If I could just get her to sleep through the night... but, I don't know. I think what I really need to do is get better at sleeping when she does.”

“Can't you do that if you're at home?” wondered Seb.

“Sometimes, but sometimes I've got so awake looking after her I just can't switch off.”

“Oh.”

“My sister said she had similar trouble,” joined in Mark.

“Did she?” replied Stef.

“Mm. I think she got better at it though.”

“How many kids does she have again?”

“Three, though they're not little any more.”

“Oh right, yeah I guess more practise,” agreed Stef. “Perhaps I can get some tips when we're over?”

“I'm sure you'll get on,” agreed Mark.

“I look forward to meeting her at last.”

Sebastian shifted the baby again then glanced to his sister.

“You're still coming then?”

“Yes of course. We can have a break and you can babysit.”

Seb huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Sure.”

 

Seeing as Sofie was still fussing he stood up with her and moved his body to give a regular little motion to see if that worked. He saw his sister watching him, but as Sofie began to subside slightly Stefanie began to chat with Mark and Sebastian was left looking at the baby.

“Is that better, hmm?”

Naturally getting no reply Sebastian just continued what he was doing. He looked over to the other side of the room and only noticed Fabian had disappeared as he now reappeared with his father.

“Ah, you're here,” greeted Norbert. “Dinner's pretty much ready.”

Stef stood up to relieve her brother of the baby.

“Think she liked being higher up,” suggested Seb.

Stef laughed.

“Yeah try doing that for an hour and come back to me.”

“Sorry.”

“Nah it's fine. She's a bit quieter now, thanks. I'm going to put her down upstairs for a bit and see if we can't actually have a meal in peace for once.”

Jan was up checking on his daughter and gave Seb a smile.

“You know you're more than welcome to come and get some practise in whenever you want,” he offered.

Sebastian just nodded and Stef caught a look in his eye, but with all the family around she decided now wasn't the time to ask. She took her daughter upstairs to lie down in the travel cot her parents kept for whenever they came around and when she came back down it was to find all the family assembled around the table waiting for her.

 

“Sorry,” she apologised.

“Don't be silly dear,” dismissed Heike. “Is she okay?”

“Yeah I think she might actually have a nap, she went quiet when I put her down.”

Stef checked the baby monitor on the side to be sure it was on then took the seat left for her by her partner.

“Worn herself out probably,” noted Jan.

“She's not the only one,” Stef agreed.

He gave a little nod and as Seb looked on he wondered if it would ever be him and Mark having those conversations. For all his niece's crying, he hoped so.

  
  


  
  


They managed to get through most of the meal before the monitor burst into life and Stef sighed, excusing herself from the table to go upstairs. The family heard a hushing noise and then the click of her switching the upstairs monitor off so they could carry on eating undisturbed.

Seb leaned into Mark by his side.

“We really will have to give them a bit of a break when they come to stay,” he suggested quietly.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah course sweetheart.”

He gave Seb a little smile and moved his hand to slip it into Seb's under the table. Sebastian gave him a smile back, then turned back to join in with the rest of the conversation around the family. As they finished their meal Norbert instructed Fabian to take things through to the kitchen so Mark and Seb volunteered to help despite his parents saying they didn't need to. They stood in the kitchen tidying and organising the washing up, then Seb looked to Mark.

“I think I might just go check on Stef.”

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

Mark noticed Fabian about to comment that his brother was dodging the washing up, so he stepped in.

“Right mate, wash or dry?”

“Hm, oh um whatever... wash.”

“Right you are then. So, what other plans have you got for your holidays then?”

  
  


Sebastian walked out, glancing to Mark to say thanks before heading up the stairs to find his sister sat in what was still her old room despite the fact it now had a double bed and a travel cot rather than the desk and posters of pop stars he remembered from their youth.

“Hey,” he greeted quietly as he walked in to see the baby now sleeping in her arms.

“Hey,” replied Stefanie equally quietly.

“Do you need anything?”

Stef shook her head.

“It's fine. She had a feed before you came over.”

“What about you?”

Stef huffed a little laugh.

“I get feeds whenever I can too. You'll have to get used to your meals being interrupted.”

“Mm.”

His sister read the look on Seb's face and nodded towards the space on the bed beside her. Sebastian sat down and looked down at his niece.

“Quiet now,” he observed.

Stef continued to rock Sofie gently.

“Yeah. Nice when it's like this.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I know I moan a bit, but I do love being a mum. Tiredness and missed meals aside. Just, sometimes in the middle of the night it's like this and she drops off I sit there looking at her and she just looks so beautiful I can hardly believe she's mine.”

“Yeah.”

Stef looked at him, hearing how soft her brother's voice had gone.

“I sit in the rocking chair you bought me. It's nice.”

“Mark bought me one. For my birthday,” Seb told her, then stopped and swallowed, feeling suddenly undone.

 

“Oh Seb.” Stef sighed and shook her head, wishing she had a spare arm to put around him. “It'll be alright.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I guess. It just feels...” He sighed more heavily. “We were doing so well, you know? And then...”

Stef nodded.

“I'm sorry. You said they're accepting those reports though?”

“Yeah, we just have to keep doing them until they're satisfied.”

“And that's hard.”

“Yeah.”

“Is there anything else you can do?” enquired Stef.

Seb took a settling breath and then pushed it out.

“Not much. We've got them coming over to do the second house inspection in the week.”

“Well that's good.”

“We did so much work, all round the house, everything they asked of us, all this safety stuff and... I don't know Stef, I'm trying to stay positive, but I can't help worrying it'll all come to nothing.”

“Oh Seb don't think that way.”

“It's just every time we seem to be getting somewhere there always seems to be some disaster lurking around the next corner. It's exhausting. We're so up and down, well, me mostly. I don't mean to be that way, but I can't help it, and poor Mark just has to cope with it all.”

“You too though.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Mark's always the one picking up the pieces. He says it's okay, but.... Ah I don't know. I'd just like a bit of normality, you know? We aren't asking for much. Just a normal family life.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sorry. I'm moaning away about being exhausted and you're being kept awake all night with a sick baby.”

“She's alright now. The doctor said it was just one of those things that are pretty common and she'll take a while to get back to normal,” assured Stef.

“Good,” nodded Seb. “Sorry, I don't mean to sound ungrateful about my life. I know we're very privileged and I probably just sound whiny and spoilt now I can't have what I want.”

Stef shook her head.

“Don't be silly. It's not about money is it?”

“No. We'd give everything we have...”

He stopped and Stef sighed as she saw tears fill his eyes. Seb rapidly blinked them away, but he knew his sister had seen.

“Sorry.”

“Don't be. Here. You have a hold.”

 

Stefanie passed the baby over and Sebastian held onto Sofie, carefully cradling her in his arms. He stared down at her resting form thinking his niece really was beautiful as his sister said. Stef put an arm around him and leaned into his side.

“Some things are priceless,” she noted.

“Yeah,” whispered Sebastian.

“It'll work out,” assured Stef. “You and Mark, you're so good together. They must see that.”

“I guess.”

“They will and it's not fair you're set back by, well, by stuff from the past, but I'm sure they'll see what a good home you could give a child.”

Seb nodded.

“That's all we want.”

“I know.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out as he looked back at his niece.

“We do wish we were closer you know, so we could help out more,” he remarked.

“That's okay.”

“If you ever need anything, I know we're away a lot, but if there is anything we could do,” offered Seb.

“Thanks.”

“I mean, if you ever needed any help... any money or anything.”

“Seb.”

“No I know, but if you did.”

“We don't need money. We're happy as we are.”

“Okay but, if you did, if she did, you could ask. I have so much I don't need.”

Stef shook her head.

“We lead a pretty simple life. We have what we need,” she reassured.

“Okay. Sorry I didn't mean to, I don't know...”

 

Seb shrugged and his sister gave him a little squeeze.

“It's okay. It's very kind of you.”

Seb nodded.

“But if you ever had an emergency or anything?”

“Then I know your kind offer stands, right?” agreed Stef, knowing he just needed to hear that.

“Yeah, that's all I mean.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I know we have a nice house and a pool and stuff, but really you know we lead a pretty simple life too. I suppose that must sound ridiculous when we fly around on private jets to Monaco and stuff, but none of that is real. This is real, just family stuff: Me and Mark at home with the dogs sat watching TV or cooking dinner, that's what's important.”

“Yeah. That's good though. I think that's why you'll be okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah cos you don't live for that stuff do you? The glamour of Monaco and fast jets.”

“No. Monaco's crazy and the plane, it's just to get around. All we want it for is to get home quicker.” Seb gave her a smile. “I know we're still very fortunate.”

“Sure, but it's what really matters to you that counts.”

“Mm.”

 

Sebastian gazed down at the sleeping baby.

“I think she's starting to look more like you,” he observed.

“You think?”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian went quiet as he silently prayed that one day it really would be his child he held in his arms like this. He loved his niece, but in a way it hurt his heart to have something so close and so far away at the same time. Stefanie gave his arm a rub and looked down at her daughter reminding herself that she too ought to be grateful when she knew her brother longed for what she had. She huffed a tiny laugh and Seb looked at her.

“What?”

“No I was just thinking I wouldn't swap for... well.”

“For my life?”

“Kinda. Well, maybe at three am when she's screaming I would.”

“At three am it's not jets and pools. I'm just asleep in bed,” Seb noted.

“Precisely.”

“Oh.” Seb huffed a matching laugh to his sister's. “I take your point.”

 

Stef looked at him wondering how to pick her brother up when she could tell how down he was.

“What wouldn't you swap in your life?” she challenged.

Seb puffed a breath.

“Lots of things really. Mark obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“And our dogs, our home. I do love where we live right out in the countryside.”

“I'd never have imagined you living in England,” noted Stef.

“Me either, but even work aside, I like it. We're happy there.”

“Good. What else?”

“Hm, well you guys too of course.”

“Glad we get a mention,” smiled Stef.

“Course, sorry should have said you sooner.”

“That's okay.”

“And... hmm, oh and racing.”

 

Stef laughed and shook her head.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“No just once apon a time racing would never have been so far down the list.”

“Oh, well I'm not so sure that was a good thing,” admitted Seb.

“No, I'm far happier to hear you say those other things. I'm so glad you're happy with Mark.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Me too. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He really is. You've no idea. He's just the kindest, most thoughtful person and... I can't describe it. He makes me feel...” Seb paused as he looked at his sister, then risked the most honest word; “Safe.”

Stef frowned.

“Safe?”

 

Seb almost wanted to look away, but he'd said it now, so he nodded. His sister continued to look at him, wondering what he really meant by that. She looked into his eyes and knew there was more to it.

“You didn't used to feel that way?” she asked quietly.

Sebastian gave the tiniest shake of his head in reply.

Stef sighed. She was fairly sure she knew what he was referring to, if not the detail. Something in his expression told her not to push further.

“You do now though,” she picked up.

“Yeah. Mark's just... he makes me feel so secure and happy.”

“Good.”

Sebastian took in a breath, pushing thoughts of anything else away.

“Jan makes you happy too doesn't he?” Seb checked.

“Yeah course. He's great. He's so sweet with Sofie. I know he makes his little jokes, but he's a wonderful father and when things get ropey, you know when I'm knackered after a long day, he gets home from work and takes over even though he's tired too.”

“That's nice.”

“I think it's good we've been together a long time,” commented Stef, “it helps when you're tired and getting ratty and annoyed at stupid stuff just to be able to step back and remember why you're together in the first place.”

“Yeah. I like Jan, he's so easy going.”

“Mm.” Stef laughed and gave him a little look. “I wonder why we've gone for that type when our family are the way they are?”

 

Sebastian flicked his eyebrows in acknowledgement and looked to the door to be sure nobody else was there.

“They mean well,” he offered.

“I know, but it can get a but much. Jan's always just taken it in his stride somehow. I knew we'd be alright when I brought him here the first time and he handled it all.”

“I think Mark did okay as well,” asserted Sebastian.

“Yeah he did,” agreed Stef. “At Christmas too, that's in at the deep end.”

Sebastian smiled.

“It wasn't really planned.”

“Ah well. You pair act like you've been together a long time as well.”

“I forget it's only two and a half years,” admitted Seb, “well, one and a half I mean.” He saw his sister's smile and shrugged. “It's a bit complicated.”

“Sure,” allowed Stef, not wishing to tease him tonight, “but you were friends weren't you? And you've known each other so long. I think that counts.”

“Yeah probably all adds up.”

“So you've got that and a lot more besides. That's all going to be important when the time comes, which it will I'm sure.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Thanks.”

“That's alright. And when the time does come I know you're going to be great at being a parent.”

Seb looked to her.

“You think?”

“Yeah, look at you now. You're great with her.”

Seb glanced down at the baby and then back to his sister.

“You're the one who got her to sleep.”

“Yeah but she's happy cos she feels safe being held by you.”

 

Sebastian looked back to the baby and thought about how safe he felt when Mark held him in his sleep. That security did feed through somehow. It was nice to think he was capable of giving that feeling to someone.

“We will try more in future to see you guys,” he promised.

“Seb it's okay, we know how crazy busy you are. We see you more these days than we used to anyway.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“And we're seeing you in a few weeks.”

“True.”

Stefanie smiled. “I've bought her a little swimming costume and everything.”

“Have you? Aw she's gonna look so cute.”

Stefanie laughed and reached in to touch her daughter's cheek.

“My little cutie. I know she's going to love it.”

“Hope so.”

 

There was a tap on the partially closed door, then Mark appeared.

“Hey.”

“Oh hey,” greeted Seb looking over at the doorway. “Sorry, I didn't mean to be so long.”

“Nah it's fine. Your dad's doing a round of tea and coffee and I wondered if you two wanted a drink?”

“I'm fine. Stef?”

His sister paused.

“Actually that makes me think, I could do with nipping to the loo. Are you okay with her?”

“Course.”

“Thanks.”

 

Stefanie stood and with a nod to Mark left them, so Mark took her place on the bed by Sebastian. He looked in at Seb holding the baby.

“I see you found the volume switch,” Mark noted with a smile.

Sebastian shook his head.

“You're not funny.”

“Why are you smiling then?” teased Mark.

Seb shrugged and looked back down at his niece.

“It's just nice to get some time with her and Stef too.”

“Yeah course.”

“Do you want a hold?” asked Seb.

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian carefully passed over the baby to Mark who smiled down at her.

“Gonna be me on the nightshift so I ought to work on my technique,” Mark noted.

“I'll help. It's only if I'm driving.”

“I know darling.”

“We can take turns.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“It is going to happen isn't it Liebling?”

Mark nodded.

“Just no easy road for us sweetheart.”

“Never is.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“True. Perhaps we should just think of it as Le Mans and not an F1 race,” he suggested.

Sebastian nodded.

“Nice analogy.”

“I try my best.”

“Just the same though. We've got to hang in there. That's the only way you get to the finishing line: By not giving up no matter how many set-backs you get, even when in the darkest part of the night it seems hopeless, you just keep on and then eventually, just when you think you can't take any more, there's this pink line on the horizon and then the dawn's there waiting to come up, more beautiful than you ever saw before.”

 

Sebastian smiled a softer smile and leaned in to kiss Mark on the cheek.

“Thank you Liebling. That's lovely.”

“So we'll keep on going won't we?” prompted Mark.

“Yeah. I guess the house visit is good. You know to get it done and feel we've made a step at least going into the break.”

“Yeah and we can get another report in the autumn for Rachel and see about those classes she mentioned.”

“Okay. At least they're steps in the right direction.”

“Absolutely.”

“Baby steps,” noted Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Nicely put darling.” He saw the way Seb was looking at the baby and smiled at him. “Want her back?”

“Um, well.”

“It's okay. Got to make the most of the time haven't you?”

Mark gently passed the baby back, knowing that was what Seb wanted. Their time here was short enough.

 

As Stef returned she paused in the doorway looking on to see her brother holding Sofie, Mark with his arm around him facing slightly away from her. Both of them were gazing at Sofie, smiling down at the baby. It occurred to her that she should just take a picture of this and send it to the adoption agency. Surely if they saw this it would settle all their doubts and they would understand what good parents they were meant to be and give their approval? She heard a noise behind her and turned to see Jan coming up the stairs.

“Hey.”

“Shh,” warned Stefanie, holding up her finger to her lips.

She nodded into the room to show what she was looking at and Jan looked in. He smiled before whispering in her ear.

“If we nip away now we could get a decent night's sleep for once.”

Stef tsk'd and batted at his arm.

“Hilarious.”

Jan shrugged so she just rolled her eyes before walking into the room, suggesting putting the baby down for a nap so they could have a nice quiet hour at least sat downstairs chatting with the family.

  
  


In the end it was nearly half past ten when they left, but Mark hadn't wanted to suggest that they leave when they'd been having a nice time with all the family back downstairs and seeing as the race didn't start until two o'clock the next day they didn't have to rush in too early. As they drove back to their hotel in Hockenheim the tiredness started to hit in with Seb and Mark smiled to see he had fallen asleep in the passenger seat. Perhaps it was a little later than they would ideally have gone to bed before a race, but Mark had seen the way Sebastian visibly relaxed through the evening and he was certain it had been worth it.

  
  


 

 

  
  


The next day Sebastian arrived at the track feeling far better about himself and the world in general. As they walked through the paddock Mark gave him a smile, glad to see a genuine smile back in return. It was only just coming up on nine am as they walked in, which after the past couple of days felt almost like a lie-in though they were still arriving well ahead of the rest of Seb's family.

Even arriving early there were still crowds of people waiting at the entrance, but Sebastian was far happier to see them than he had been at the restaurant earlier in the week. He stood and signed and smiled and allowed people to take selfies. Mark even took a few pictures for a couple of kids that handed over mobile phones and smiled as Seb ducked down to be level with them. As they walked towards the RedBull base along the as yet quiet paddock, he squeezed Seb's hand.

“Feeling better about today then?” Mark checked.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I think I'm just gonna see what I can get today you know? Not let myself get all stressed out about it.”

Mark flicked his eyebrows up.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I'm sick of being stressed about everything. Stef was asking me yesterday about what I really value in life. And racing, maybe it's not top of the list anymore, but it's still on there.”

“That's good to know. So what's top then?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Chocolate, obviously.”

“Obviously,” dead-panned Mark in return.

“Ach, you're meant to be much more offended by that,” complained Seb.

“Sorry, try again,” accepted Mark playing along. “What do you mean _chocolate?_ What about me, your devoted husband?”

Seb smiled more broadly and kissed his cheek.

“Course it's you Liebling.”

“Though chocolate is nice.”

“Sadly not on the diet.”

“Am I on the diet?”

“You're essential,” assured Seb.

“Essential. I like that.”

“Good.”

  
  


Sebastian pushed open the door to RedBull motorhome and as they headed up to his room he thought about how he really was just going to try to focus on taking the race on its own today. Just a race in a car, doing what he loved and had been doing for most of his life. To feel the pull of the forces on his body as he floored the accelerator; the lean into the bends; the satisfaction of pulling an overtake. That was assuming he pulled those overtakes today. From seventh he would certainly have plenty of scope for them.

Would the crowd cheer if he did? For the first time he could remember Seb was going into a race actually that they might. It was his home grand prix, he'd grown up just a short drive away and it was here that he had watched his heroes racing as a child just like those kids at the gate today. Wide-eyed and thrilled to get a word and a smile from him. That did feel good he had to admit. Maybe it was flattering his ego, but a little boost of someone literally looking up to him was nice. Seb wanted to do them proud: Just some kid in the crowd cheering him, just to know they were out there. It was pretty good motivation.

  
  


“You're quiet,” noted Mark as they sorted putting their things down in Seb's room.

“Hmm? Oh sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Penny for them?”

Seb gave a little shrug.

“It'll sound silly.”

“No it won't, go on,” Mark prompted.

“I was thinking of those kids just now and... well it's just nice to think they might be cheering me in the race today.”

“ _Might_ be?”

“Well.”

Seb shrugged again and Mark huffed a laugh.

“Darling the little boy at the end was in full kit. Total mini-me.”

“I'm pretty sure that was a girl.”

“Really?”

“Hair tucked under the cap.”

“Ah. Well anyway, I think you may be assured of their loyalty.”

“Should I be offended my mini-me is a girl?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark smiled, thinking that the pink-cheeked, blue-eyed and blonde-haired mini version hadn't been a million miles off target, even if there was more hair hidden from view. Perhaps a little girl might not aspire to the fluff that sometimes adorned Seb's jaw, though actually that wasn't there right now given that Seb always tidied himself up when he was going to see his mother.

Mark gave Seb a wink.

“I'm sure she would be more offended I thought she was a boy.”

“Yeah probably,” concurred Sebastian. “Anyway, my point was that it's nicer to think of it that way, you know, of having a bit of real support, not the pressure of a home grand prix.”

“Course.” Mark looked at Seb and stroked a hand down his arm. “Of course that makes sense to like the idea of racing for them.”

“I am racing for you too, and my family,” adjusted Seb. “I want to make you proud as well.”

“I'm always proud of you and they are, and I'll always cheer.”

“No matter where I finish?”

Mark gave him a look.

“Of course no matter where you finish. I don't care where you finish. Well, no, that's not entirely true, it's great when you do well, of course it is, but in the end all I really care about is you getting out to give me a hug at the end. As long as you do that, then I'm happy darling.”

Sebastian pushed up to give Mark a quick kiss.

“Thank you.” He smiled at him. “Still nicer to do well though.”

“Yeah true,” allowed Mark. “Do you remember what I said in my letter? The one you have in your bag... You do still have it don't you?”

“I have both of them.”

“Right, well I mean the first one. You remember what I said?”

“Liebling I know it off by heart.”

Sebastian gave him a look to tell him that should be obvious and Mark smiled, glad to know how much his words meant.

“Well, those kids supporting you, watching you race and cheering for you, they're _you_ darling. That's why it feels better to think of racing for them: You're racing for you, the younger version of you from before this all got complicated and stressful. So you race for them darling and you race for you and forget the rest.”

“I won't forget you,” insisted Seb.

“As if you could?” smiled Mark. “But you don't need to race for me darling. I'm here either way.”

“And I get hugs win or lose.”

“That's the deal.”

 

Sebastian smiled and pushed up on his toes to give him a hug now.

“We should have put that in our wedding vows?”

“Perhaps we should,” agreed Mark.

He returned the hug then let Seb go.

“Right, you got to crack on then?”

“Yep. You okay hanging around waiting for my folks to turn up?”

“Course, no problem.”

They both headed down, Mark to bagsie a good table in hospitality, Seb to go start his day with a chat with his boss and Britta. He set his shoulders back as he walked away. Whatever happened today it was going to be okay. He had Mark here supporting him no matter what, he had his family, he had his team. He was going to see if he couldn't actually enjoy a race on its own terms for once and then when it was done it was the summer break and he could leave all this behind for a while.

  
  


 

 

As Sebastian listened to the his engineers gathered around his car he consulted the data screen in front of him once more before nodding and assuring them he had it under control. The screen was lifted out of the way while Seb took a moment to do his final preparations, running through everything in his head; all their plans, all the different strategies, where everyone else was around him on the grid and what might be possible today. He closed his eyes for a second and visualised it all; the track, the moves he wanted to make at the start, where and how he might overtake. Without realising it, his head moved gently from side to side as he imagined swinging through the bends, jumping the car ahead and pushing on.

From the sidelines Mark smiled to himself as he saw it. He knew what Seb was doing and it calmed his eternal pre-race nerves to know that Sebastian was doing everything he could to be ready. The day outside was sunnier than it had been, but still not really all that warm for late July. It was nothing compared to Hungary that was for sure and that was reassuring too. Fabian by his side looked up at him.

“He looks okay don't you think?” checked Fabian.

Mark nodded.

“He does. He's good mate.”

Fabian nodded, reassured by his calm, certain response.

“He might be able to move up a bit mightn't he? They were saying on the coverage before he's out of place in seventh.”

Mark put a hand on Fabian's shoulder and looked at him.

“Kiddo when it comes to your brother you should know there's nothing he can't achieve when he puts his mind to it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah and it's a very good mind.”

Norbert turned from where he was speaking to his wife and nodded to Mark.

“Anything's possible isn't it? That's the way of it in racing.”

“Sure,” agreed Mark. “Anything can happen and it usually does.”

Fabian huffed a laugh and Mel smiled at him.

“Good way of putting it,” she praised.

“Ah not my own, I confess,” admitted Mark, “but it's certainly true.”

 

He looked over to see Seb readying his gloves and helmet and Mark gave him a nod which Seb returned, looking in each other's eyes for a moment saying all they could without speaking. Fabian gave his brother a little wave and Seb waved back, almost laughing as he did so. He caught sight of Mark's cheeks tweaking as he nearly laughed as well and Sebastian felt lighter for it. He just had to do his best today, give those kids something to cheer about and see where he ended up.

Seb took a deep breath, then pulled on his helmet and gloves before his mechanics leaned in to tighten his belts ready to set off. He looked at them through his open visor and gave them a nod of thanks. Steve gave him a quick pat on the shoulder.

“You're all good. See you out there.”

“Cheers,” replied Seb though his voice was muffled.

The engine was started and Seb cautiously pressed the accelerator to test the bite, then there was only time for one last glance in the direction of his family and he got the shout to go, pulling out of the garage and heading out along the pitlane off to line up for another race into the unknown.

 

“He'll be alright won't he?” worried Heike suddenly.

Mark nodded.

“He'll be fine. He's in a good place today.”

Heike nodded thanks. She wondered precisely what Mark meant by that. She didn't think he really meant Seb's starting place of seventh, but as long as he seemed confident then she had to trust her son was too. Heike hardly knew how Mark survived standing here for race after race when she had been so nervous this morning that she had nearly asked to watch from the motorhome instead. That felt disloyal to Sebastian though and she knew as his mother she had to simply endure the worry as Mark did and just pray that he would be okay.

  
  


It felt like no time at all before the cars were lined up, then once the mechanics had finished fussing over them and the drivers had been through the seemingly pointless rigmarole of interrupting their preparations to go stand around for the national anthem. Then they were off on their formation lap, pulling back up into their slots and Heike grabbed hold of her husband's hand, fighting the urge to run from the garage. She looked to Mark again and got another reassuring nod and smile. It was okay. If Mark was happy it had to be okay. Seb would be fine.

  
  


Sebastian focussed on the row of lights ready to light up, his heart pounding with adrenaline and his brain feeling sharper than at any other time during the whole weekend. He took a deep breath and just allowed himself one brief second to remember Mark's parting kiss, the solid nod and his words of confidence:

“ _You can do this.”_

He could do this.

  
  


  
  


The five lights flicked on, then paused for a seeming eternity before switching off again. Sebastian slammed his foot down and leapt off while his family in the garage watched with bated breath. Mark forced his eyes to stay open as he watch Seb jump immediately past both cars in the row ahead, guessing they had overheated their engines in the delayed start. Seb was in fifth and Mark's heart was already beating so hard you would think he was in the race himself. It was going to be one of those days: the torture almost as much when Sebastian was going well as when he struggled. Heike looked anxious so Mark spared her another reassuring smile and got a nervous one in reply, he knew why Seb did that for his parents, even if it hid his own nerves. They just had to hang in there and have faith.

  
  


Sebastian slotted the car back in to slide the car around the next corner, his heart pounding impossibly faster now. As he straightened back up ready to put his foot down he caught the sound of cheers even over the engines running all around him. The cars in front were all in formation from their grid positions, so it had to be for him making those passes surely? Seb allowed the tiniest of smiles to spread over his face and floored the throttle once more. Time to chase down those ahead.

  
  


 

  
  


An hour and a half later Mark smiled a far more genuine smile to the rest of Seb's family as they watched him pass the chequered flag in an impressive third place.

“Podium,” beamed Fabian.

Mark pulled off his headphones and nodded.

“Yeah mate, what did I tell you eh?”

Mel laughed.

“You weren't worried then?” she teased.

“I always worry. Doesn't mean I don't know he can do it.”

Melanie scrunched her nose thinking how sweet Mark was, then the family paused while they watched the last bit of the race coverage play out on the screen, then Mark realised he had to dash to Parch Fermé if he was going to meet Seb getting out of his car.

“Right, I've gotta go. You want to come?”

“Oh um, I don't really like the crowds,” confessed Heike, “you go. Give him our love and tell him we'll see him in a bit.”

“Sure. You coming kiddo?”

“Yep,” grinned Fabian without looking to his parents for any approval.

“Me too,” decided Mel.

“Righto. Come on then we'll need to hoof it,” advised Mark.

  
  


They rushed down the paddock to get there before the cars had made their way back from their cool-down laps and were in time to offer hugs and congratulations. Mark was glad to see a light in Seb's eyes as he asked him if he could hear the cheers as he made those overtakes. Seb nodded and smiled.

“All for you sweetheart,” assured Mark. “Enjoy it.”

Sebastian stole another hug, then stepped back to give a wave to the crowd, getting another cheer in response. It did feel good. Maybe it was about flattering his ego, but he'd worked hard for this result today and a podium felt like vindication. It was something solid to hold onto going into the summer with so many other uncertainties still swirling around them. It mattered. He'd had a decent race, done better than was expected of him. Mark was here. His little brother was here, happily sharing his praise. Even his sister Mel was here for once. Seb didn't mind that his parents weren't. They'd been there in the garage and he knew he had their support. His other sister had promised that she would be watching at home so Seb turned to a camera hoving into view and smiled and waved, mouthing 'hello Sofie' knowing nobody but Stef would guess what he was saying.

Then he gathered up his helmet from where he'd left it on the car and headed off to do the rest of his duties. He'd get a trophy and a cheer from the crowd, he could look down and see those he cared about and who cared about him, not just his family, but his team who had worked so hard to give him a chance to make up places today. As Seb walked up the stairs he resolved to say thank you to all of them. Then he'd just get through the remainder of the day and then he and Mark would go home, the craziness of the paddock and even today's result forgotten for nearly four weeks. They just a few last things to sort out then they would be off on holiday: Sunshine and Mark and a bit of peace and solitude. Nothing else required to make him happy. He was going to leave this all behind and while today was good, that would be even better. Freedom. Seb could almost smell it in the air.

Then again, maybe that was just engine oil?

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah there we go, a generally pretty chapter (by their standards certainly).
> 
> I've got a stressy day tmw so I need at least a reasonably happy ending...


	157. Visitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so seeing as I have time to write I'm going to post a bit more frequently hopefully (famous last words), so here is another part which I have to warn you is already part of a multi-chapter. It's fairly short but I hope you'll forgive me for stopping where I do...

 

* * *

  
  


 

In a way it would have been nice just to come home, re-pack their bags and jet straight off on holiday, but even as they went around the house on the Monday double-checking that everything was perfect for their scheduled visit the following day, both Mark and Sebastian agreed that it would feel good to know they had done everything they could before they went away. That way hopefully they could properly relax and leave all their cares behind them.

Of course seeing as Pauline had been around each day since they went away, there really wasn't anything to clean or tidy other than any mess they made themselves during the day, but they still spent most of the afternoon fussing around the place to be sure. Pauline herself came around on the Monday afternoon to be sure nothing needed any more help with anything, but seeing as all they could do was thank her for all her hard work, they ended up sitting and drinking tea instead. Mark tried to hint that she didn't really need to come around the following morning before their visitors arrived, but he knew he was wasting his time. Pauline took the matter personally and Mark was more than half convinced that she wanted to keep an eye on who their new social worker was seeing as she knew the last one had caused an upset.

There was no point trying to put her off and she was so kind to them Mark didn't really want to, so as she said her goodbyes he took the opportunity to thank her again.

“Oh it's no problem dear. I was coming anyway for the dogs wasn't I?”

“Ah Pauline,” smiled Seb, “it's a massive help. We'd have been in such a stress coming back today otherwise. We really appreciate it.”

“Well that's alright. I'm glad to do it. I bet you're looking forward to your holiday.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and nodded.

“God yeah.”

Mark smiled and put an arm around him where they had walked into the hallway to see Pauline out.

“We certainly are. Just need to get unpacked, repacked and have tomorrow out of the way.”

Pauline nodded, thinking she would have to make sure that all their washing at least done. Then while they were away she could get all the spare bedroom ready for the family coming to stay in a couple of weeks.

“Right, well I'll get on then. I'll see you in the morning,” parted Pauline.

“Thanks,” smiled Mark, knowing saying she didn't need to do anything more was a waste of time.

“Yeah thanks Pauline, the place is looking great,” chimed Seb.

“No problem dear, I'm glad your weekend went well in the end.”

 

They shut the door behind her and Mark let out a long sigh.

“Alright Liebling?” checked Sebastian.

“Yep all good. Right then, what do you say we forget everything for a while and take the boys out for a good long stroll?”

“Sounds great.”

They gathered up the dogs and headed out into what was a fairly breezy day for the first day of August, determined to shut out all thoughts about tomorrow until tomorrow.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Despite being fairly sure there was nothing to really do, they got up early on the Tuesday morning, had breakfast and tidied up after themselves before taking the dogs out long before Pauline arrived. Sebastian set about giving their bedroom an extra tidy while Pauline had another go at making certain the bathroom and kitchen were immaculate. Mark was left wandering around the house opening windows to let in fresh air. Exhausting that task he went to find Seb rearranging the pillows on their bed.

“Sweetheart they're fine.”

Seb finished tweaking them and turned to look at him.

“Yeah. Is there anything else?”

“Nope. Really darling we're good. Why don't we see if Pauline wants a cup of tea and just have a sit down?”

Sebastian looked at his watch. They still had half an hour before their visitors were due.

“Okay, I'm just... okay I think I just want to do a quick walk-around first.”

Mark shook his head, but he knew Seb was mostly trying to distract himself from worrying.

“Sure, alright well I'll stick the kettle on.”

 

He went down to the kitchen while Sebastian reassured himself with an additional tour of the house. As Mark walked into the kitchen it was to see Pauline filling the washing machine.

“Um, we were going to do that later,” he pointed out.

“Oh well you'll need it dry for packing won't you?” noted Pauline. “Don't worry, I'll stick it on the time-delay then you can just take it out when it's done. How long do you think they'll be here for?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno, can't imagine it'll be more than two hours.”

“Right you are then.”

Pauline programmed the machine while Mark filled the kettle and switched it on. Weirdly he felt as though the washing machine ought to be empty, as if that made it tidier, but he knew he was getting as bad as the rest of them. He turned to Pauline who was standing upright having set it ready to go.

“Cuppa?” offered Mark.

“Oh well I wouldn't say no. I'll just take this back up. Where's Seb?”

“Fussing,” smiled Mark. “If you see him, send him down.”

 

Moments after Mark had put hot water into the teapot Pauline returned accompanied by Seb who came to stand with him. Seb took a deep breath.

“Okay, I think I'm just going crazy now. I was wondering whether I ought to move a wardrobe in one of the spare rooms.”

Mark smiled.

“Darling we're fine. Sit down and have a cup of tea.”

“Okay.”

Mark poured the tea and brought over mugs to the others who had taken seats at the kitchen table. He gave Seb a quick kiss on the cheek as he sat beside him.

“Satisfied we're all ready then?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. I just need them to arrive now. Thank god they're coming this morning not this afternoon.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded before taking a sip of his drink and petting the dogs by their feet. They just needed to get this over with.

  
  


They sat fairly quietly until they finished their tea. Pauline looked at the dogs, then at the pair sat opposite her.

“Why don't I take them out for a walk? Then they won't get in the way.”

“Oh um,” frowned Mark.

“I can just say hello and then give you a clear run.”

Mark looked to Seb who shrugged thinking that perhaps it wouldn't be the worst thing to have their dogs out from underfoot, especially if they didn't know what this new social worker's attitude to pets was.

“That's very kind of you,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark got up to wash their empty mugs before Pauline could offer to do that as well and had only just finished when the doorbell rang and all of them jumped slightly as the dogs barked. Seb ducked down by them and held his finger to his lips.

“No. Shh boys, we've told you: You have to be extra good today.”

He gave them his firmest look and the dogs dropped down, quieting themselves.

“Good boys,” praised Seb.

He stood up and pushed out a careful breath as he looked to Mark.

“I'll put these away,” volunteered Pauline.

 

Mark nodded and came to give Sebastian a quick squeeze before they headed into the hall to let their visitors in. They opened the door to see Rachel stood their with the man they recognized from before and another woman closer to Rachel's age with short brown hair. Rachel smiled and offered out her hand.

“On time this time,” she joked. “Now we know were we're going.”

“Ah good. Oh we left the front gate open, but it does shut and has a latch on now,” pointed out Seb.

Rachel dutifully turned around to have a quick look, then turned back and nodded.

“Very good. Right, well Paul I'm sure you'll remember and this is Laura, your new social worker.”

They exchanged more hellos and shaken hands, then Mark guided them inside and led them into the kitchen where Pauline stood with the dogs obediently at her side.

 

“So, um, Pauline, our housekeeper,” Mark introduced.

There were a few more nods at Pauline.

“She just popped round to take the dogs out.”

“Oh you don't have to,” allowed Rachel.

“We'll just let you get on,” assured Pauline. “Nice to see you again.

“And you.”

Pauline looked to Mark and Seb and gave them a little encouraging nod before excusing herself and leading the dogs away to take them for their bonus walk. As she clipped on their leads in the hallway they looked at her seeming slightly confused so Pauline dipped down with them to whisper.

“Nothing is going to go wrong for them today, come on now, you need to play your part.”

She let herself out thinking she could take the long route and make sure the inspection was over before she returned.

 

Back in the kitchen Sebastian made a polite offer of tea or coffee, knowing he was likely to be refused, so after a few more pleasantries he and Mark started their tour, highlighting all the work they had done since their last visit. They made a point of trying to make sure they explained everything to their new social worker so she was caught up and though she didn't say an awful lot back, at least her smiles appeared more genuine than the previous occupant of her role.

Rachel allowed Mark and Sebastian to take the lead showing them around, commenting on all the efforts they had made to be sure that Paul in his note-taking role got it all down for his report. As they went around the upstairs bedrooms she spotted the addition in one of the immaculate spare bedrooms: a rocking chair placed over near the window looking out into their large garden. She every nearly asked if this was the room they had assigned as a nursery, but then she caught sight of the way Seb put his hand on the back of the chair and looked at it and she stopped herself. All this work, all this effort, all this hope with no promise of reward. It broke her heart a little to think what that rocking chair must represent to them. She wondered when they had bought it and guessed it must surely have been before their setback.

“You get a lot of sunlight in this room,” offered Rachel.

“Yeah,” replied Sebastian.

He looked at the walls thinking how he and Mark had discussed decorating in here. He wondered if they were going to get to do that some day, but right now it was far too painful to torture themselves like that, so the walls stayed plain white, undecorated, empty. He stroked his hand over the smooth wood of the chair backrest, then he spotted Rachel watching him and fixed on a smile.

“Yeah it's nice. So um, do you want to see the bathrooms?”

“Of course, Laura's not seen them. Lead on Seb.”

“Sure.”

  
  


By the time they made it all the way around back to show them the outside of the house the new social worker seemed to have warmed up a little, nodding as they pointed out the new gates and locks and leading them to the rear garden.

“You've really got a lot of room,” she noted.

“Yeah we're very lucky,” agreed Mark. “All we had to do was get the gates put up to make it secure.”

Paul gave him a little nod to indicate that he had recorded that and Rachel smiled.

“It's a nice space,” she added. “Lots of room for, well, for whatever you want out here.”

“Yep we like to get outside whenever we can.”

“And you're having your family barbecue at the end of the month aren't you?”

“Yeah we're looking forward to it aren't we sweetheart?”

“Definitely,” concurred Seb.

“When is it you go away?”

“Thursday.”

“Ah right. I imagine you're looking forward to that as well.”

“Yeah we are.”

“Rachel tells me you only got back from being abroad yesterday,” noted Laura.

“Ah well it was actually Sunday night, but yeah.”

“Not sick of travelling then?”

Sebastian glanced to Mark. He could say he was and if he had one wish it would be to magically jump from place to place to avoid all that slogging about the world, but the truth was if he had one wish that _wouldn't_ be the thing he asked for, so he just shrugged.

“Be nice to get a bit of peace and sunshine,” offered Mark.

“I'm sure,” agreed Rachel, “Well, I think that's about everything isn't it?”

“Um, yeah I think so.”

“Well if that coffee is still on offer why don't we have a little sit down for five minutes?”

“Oh right, yeah course. Come this way.”

Mark lead them to the back door and flicked on the kettle.

“Do you want to go through the lounge?”

“Oh I think we're fine in here if you are?”

“Um, sure.”

  
  


Mark and Sebastian made them all coffee and dug out Pauline's stashed tin of biscuits to offer around. Rachel noticed that neither of them took one.

“Not allowed on your diets?”

“Oh well we can have the odd treat. I'm just not all that fussed about biscuits.”

“Me either,” agreed Seb.

“What do you do to relax then?” asked the new social worker.

Sebastian looked to her thinking surely she must have read all their reports to catch up on their case, but perhaps she was just making conversation.

“Oh well I'm afraid we're pretty boring. It's just training and walking the dogs mostly. We just like to be homebodies.”

“And see our families when we can,” added Mark.

“More travel,” noted Laura.

“Mm, but thankfully not next time seeing as they're coming to us.”

“Of course, well you've plenty of room for them.”

“We'll be pretty crowded with them all coming but we'll just pile in.”

“It's going to be nice,” chimed Seb. “We've got all of them coming; our parents and sisters and my brother and all our nieces and nephew. Actually the kids are going to have to camp in the garden we're so full up.”

“Camping?”

“Yeah, so we're hoping this decent weather sticks,” commented Mark.

“Only the older ones,” explained Seb, hoping that didn't sound bad, “obviously not my sister's little one, she's only a baby.”

“Of course,” accepted Rachel, “Well that sounds fun.”

“Yeah it should be. We've got friends coming for the day as well just for the barbecue itself.”

“You're having a big party then?” asked Laura.

“Oh well only a very relaxed thing,” assured Mark. “We're not really into parties are we darling?”

“No it's just a gathering really. We've never had lots of people over before, but we just thought it would be a nice opportunity to get folk together you know?”

“Sure.”

“It sounds nice,” assured Rachel, noticing the way Seb seemed to feel the need to justify everything about themselves. “Good to get family together.”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb.

 

He almost admitted that it was the first time they had brought all their families together like this, but that made it sound as if their relationship was new and he didn't want to give that impression, so instead he offered more coffee which was turned down. Rachel looked to Paul who had used the time they had been sat at the table to finish off making his notes.

“Are you all set or do you need anything else?” she checked.

“No I'm good,” he assured.

“Did you want to see anything else Laura?”

“I don't think so unless we've missed anything.”

“No I think we had the full tour didn't we?”

Rachel smiled over to Mark and Seb who nodded.

“Right, well I think we're good then.”

 

Mark collected up the empty mugs and plates and put them by the sink, turning around to see everyone getting up from the table.

“Well, Mark, Seb, thank you so much for having us over.”

Sebastian looked to Mark, then risked asking.

“So, um is everything okay then?”

“Of course it is. As far as I can see you've done everything we recommended. We can't ask more than that.”

“You have a lovely home,” offered Laura.

“Thanks, so um... there's nothing?”

“No, we'll just add the report to your file,” explained Rachel.

“Right, okay.”

Mark stood by Seb and could tell he needed more than that to feel as if they were at least continuing to make progress.

“So you said you were going to look into some classes for us to go to?” he prompted.

“Classes?” wondered Laura.

“Parenting classes,” clarified Rachel, “yes I'll get onto that while you're away and then we can sort that out after the summer when you're home again.”

“Thanks, that's great.”

“We do want to keep, you know, on with things,” added Seb.

“Of course. Don't worry I'll be on it. You just enjoy your break and I'll be in touch.”

 

They walked them through to the hall and shook hands as they said goodbye. Mark kept his arm around Seb as they stood in the doorway waving them off, then shut the door as they pulled off the driveway in their shared car. As soon as they were alone again Seb let out a relieved sigh. Mark smiled at him.

“I reckon that went alright.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I think so.”

“That Laura seems okay.”

“She didn't say a lot.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“She said more than that Paul. He's like a monk.”

Sebastian laughed with him.

“I think he's just too busy frantically writing notes as we go around.”

“Yeah maybe. Anyway it's done.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian puffed out a long breath and Mark gave him a hug.

“We can really relax now can't we?”

“Yeah. Ah, god that feels good.”

“It does,” confirmed Mark.

 

They walked back through to the kitchen and Mark pulled out his phone to send a text to Pauline.

MARK: Coast's clear ;)

Seb was looking at him so Mark gave him a wink.

“Just telling Pauline she's safe to bring the boys home now.”

“Ah right. Yeah you know I think it would have been okay that they were here this time. Nobody said anything about the dog baskets being in here.”

“Yeah well that was just that other woman. Plenty of people have pets in the kitchen. It's a home not a museum.”

“I guess.”

“Pauline just wanted to feel useful,” observed Mark.

“She is useful, she's great.”

“Course she is darling. Anyway we can all stop fretting now, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Seb reached up to kiss Mark on the cheek. “Thank you Liebling.”

“Thank you? What for?”

“For not taking the piss out of me going a bit crazy this morning.”

“Nonsense. You just wanted it to go well. So did I, and you're right, Pauline's wonderful and we'll tell her that when she comes back to find out how things went.”

“Yeah we will.”

  
  


A short while later Pauline let herself back in, unclipping the dogs' leads and following them as they scampered off to find their masters in the kitchen.

“So. How did it all go?” she enquired.

Sebastian smiled the happiest smile she had seen from in him in quite some time and Pauline smiled back. Thank god for that. Time for them all to relax as they deserved to. Summer could really start now and they could get that break they needed. Pauline knew she would feel better for knowing that as well. Before either of them had chance to reply to her enquiry the washing machine behind them clicked onto the timer she had set and suddenly switched itself on automatically making them all jump. As they calmed down Mark shook his head and laughed.

“Bloody hell Pauline. You really are magic.”

 

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


With their visit out of the way and their holiday imminent, Mark and Sebastian spent the day on the Wednesday mostly sorting out their packing and calling their families to finalise arrangements before they went away. They had a car arranged to pick them up to take them to meet their plane, though it wasn't booked until midday as they were flying west and didn't need to leave early as the times worked in their favour. Perhaps it was an indulgence using their private plane for their holiday when they could have caught commercial flights, but it was Mark's opinion that seeing as their holiday was designed to be relaxing, then they ought to make the whole experience that way. Sometimes you just had to forget the guilt and be glad you had money. They'd certainly earned it.

 

In the afternoon they popped into Oxford to do a spot of shopping for their holiday, calling in to change some money and wandering around the bookshop. Seb picked up a couple of paperbacks and saw Mark staring at a book in thrillers section.

“You want that one?” he asked.

“Hmm?” Mark turned and looked at him. “No we've got it already.”

Sebastian frowned.

“Why are you looking at it then?”

Mark paused. He didn't really want to explain but he couldn't lie to Seb either.

“I just... I'd forgotten about it and it just caught my eye.”

“Right.”

Seb saw the way Mark was still holding it though, so that wasn't everything. Mark could see Seb waiting for the rest of the explanation.

“We were reading it in Italy, well I was, we were sort of sharing it and then...”

Mark shrugged. Such little things had been forgotten when his world had nearly fallen apart, but seeing it now took him back; thinking how happy they had been that weekend, joking in Seb's room with no idea what was to come.

“Oh.” Sebastian put his hand on Mark's arm. “Are you okay?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head as if trying to shake the feeling off.

“Yeah. It's silly. I'm fine.”

He slotted the book back onto the shelf and it occurred to Sebastian that he hadn't recognised it at all.

“I don't remember,” let out Seb almost unconsciously.

“Don't worry about it sweetheart. It's just a book.” Mark deliberately picked his tone up. “Right, have you found anything good?”

“Um yeah a couple.”

“Good.”

“Don't you want anything?”

“I can share yours can't I?”

“Course.”

“Right then.”

 

They went to the till to buy the small pile of books Seb had selected and headed back out onto the busy high street. Sebastian held the bag of books in one hand and took Mark's with his other thinking he still seemed a little quiet. Seb was trying to think what to say to cheer him up when he saw a blonde head turning away in the crowd and he stopped dead. Mark took another pace, but was halted by the pull on his arm and turned to look at Sebastian.

“What is it?”

Sebastian was peering into the crowd passing by. The blonde head had disappeared. Maybe it had never been there at all?

“Nothing. Sorry I thought I saw...” Seb shook his head and looked back to Mark. “Sorry Liebling I thought I saw something, but it's nothing.”

Mark frowned so Sebastian shook his head.

“It's nothing,” he repeated. “It's just busy. I think I'm tired.”

They started walking along again.

“We're both tired,” acknowledged Mark. “We've not really stopped since we got home. Not properly. I think we need that holiday.”

“God yeah,” sighed Sebastian.

“Let's go home, put our feet up.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded. They really needed to get away from it all and then both their brains could have a rest. Their holiday was long overdue.

   
  


On the Wednesday night they went to bed feeling as though they had sorted out everything that they needed to. It was good to know that once they stepped onto their plane they could switch off for a good two weeks of sunshine, sand and sleep, or variations on that theme.

  
  


 

  
  


It was nice to get up knowing that all they had to do was have an unhurried breakfast, walk the dogs, double-check their passports and bring their cases down ready to go before killing time waiting for the car to arrive. They'd been over all their arrangements with Pauline so that was sorted, so by half nine they were well ahead of the curve as they sat down with a coffee at the kitchen table. Mark smiled over at Seb and was about to remark on the irony of the weather being so nice when they were due to go away when Seb's phone rang and he pulled it out from his pocket to answer.

“Hello? Yeah, no we're home.” There was a pause and Mark saw how Seb frowned. “Um, okay. Why?” Seb's brow furrowed even deeper as he clearly no got no explanation. “Okay, um, sure. Yeah well we're due to go at midday, so... Yeah okay.”

Sebastian hung up looking perturbed.

“Who was that?” asked Mark.

“Christian. He wants to come over.”

“Now?”

“Yeah.”

Mark copied his frown.

“Doesn't he know we're going away?”

“That's why he wants to come over now.”

“He didn't say why?”

“No he said it was best he didn't say over the phone.” Sebastian bit his lip. “Liebling something's wrong.”

“He didn't say anything else?”

“No. His voice though Liebling. It's not good.”

 

Mark shifted his chair closer and fitted his hand into Seb's.

“We don't know that.”

“Mark why would he need to come to see me? He knows we're going away.”

“Maybe he just needs to catch you?”

“Something he won't say over the phone?”

Mark puffed a breath and shrugged his shoulders.

“Something sensitive then. Could be about the team.”

“I guess.”

Sebastian didn't sound convinced and Mark himself was worrying now, but they had half an hour to wait before Seb's boss would reach them from Milton Keynes.

“No point speculating. He'll tell us when he gets here,” Mark assured.

Seb could only nod. He was going to worry about every conceivable scenario until Christian arrived.

  
  


 

 

Twenty five minutes later they opened the front door to see Christian stood there. Mark had tried to think of something reassuring to say to Seb when they heard him arriving, but he couldn't think of anything seeing as the speed with which he had arrived seemed to confirm it was a matter of urgency. Sadly in their experience that rarely boded anything like good news. A dark part of Mark wanted to joke to Christian that one day they were going to open their door and he would be bringing them tidings of joy, but one look at his face and Mark knew jokes were not appropriate.

“Christian,” he greeted.

“Yeah, hi. Um, sorry to do this to you guys. Can I come in?”

“Course.”

“What's going on?” asked Seb, unable to contain his worries.

“I think if we could just go to sit down?”

Sebastian felt even more worried at his boss saying that, but he stepped back out of the way to allow him in and pushed past the dogs who were fussing about another visitor so they could go through to the lounge to sit down. Christian didn't say anything, but as he looked over at the pair sat closely on the sofa his expression was grim and Seb's stomach turned over. He was right. It was something bad.

 

“I'm really sorry about this,” repeated Christian, “but I didn't think I should do this over the phone.”

“Do what?” pressed Seb, trying to sound calmer than he felt.

Christian sighed. This didn't feel like it was his job, but somehow it was. He couldn't just let Seb find this out. Only thing for it was to tell him.

“Okay, so Alex came to me this morning, you know from our legal department,” he began.

Sebastian instantly tensed up and Mark sat beside him felt it and took his hand, guessing the realms they were in.

“Yeah we know him,” offered Mark. “He did the reports for us.”

“Yeah. So, perhaps you might remember it was his friend on the force that came in to take your statement all that time ago?”

Sebastian nodded tightly, his heartrate spiking and his brain already spinning up. Not good, not good, something not good.

“Okay,” continued Christian, “so he came to me this morning and told me that he thought he ought to speak to you, but I asked him to let me.”

“Let you what?”

“Speak to you.”

 

Seb closed his eyes for a second and Mark wanted to say that all this pussyfooting around was only making this worse, but he could tell that Christian was finding this difficult.

“Yep, okay mate so what is it you need to tell us?”

Christian rubbed at his jaw.

“So to explain, Alex in doing these reports for you says he had occasion to ask a few favours of his friend in the police, gathering a bit of information on Heikki for you, yes?”

“Yes. I mean we sort of guessed as much.”

“So this police detective or whatever he is, apparently took it apon himself to keep a weather eye on things.”

“What do you mean?” frowned Mark.

“That's what Alex told me, just watching out for anything if Heikki's name ever cropped up. Alex says he didn't specifically ask him to, but anyway, he had a call this morning.”

 

Christian stopped and Seb wanted to yell at him for torturing them by stringing this out.

“A call about Heikki?” he asked anxiously.

Christian nodded.

“Yeah.” He sighed and shook his head. “I don't really know how to tell you this, but I didn't want the police just turning up on your doorstep.”

“What?”

Sebastian stomach clenched and his eyes widened.

“Here? Why would they do that?” asked Mark.

“Because he's dead.”

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . . .
> 
> Eek, okay don't hate me!


	158. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't say I'm not good to you. Here we go, no long waits, here's the follow-up to yesterday's bombshell.

* * *

  
  


  
  


Mark felt a jolt at the words and almost asked Christian to repeat himself, but as he looked to Seb he saw all the colour had drained from his face.

“Seb I'm sorry to put it so bluntly,” apologised his boss already guessing he had done it wrong. This was so damn difficult. “Alex had the police report sent through.”

Mark had turned into Sebastian about to say something to check how he was doing when that last comment pulled him back and he looked to Christian.

“Why have they got a police report here?”

Christian sighed. This was the worst of it.

“Because he was killed just half a mile away from the factory. A hire car apparently hit by a lorry at a roundabout. According to the report he had twice the legal limit for alcohol in his system and the lorry driver says he just pulled out on him.”

 

Sebastian was reeling. Dead. He was dead. Heikki was dead. It didn't seem real. He couldn't just be dead like that.

Mark also felt in shock.

“What do you mean he was here?”

“Well not here, but Milton Keynes.”

“Jesus that's the same thing.”

“He's dead?” questioned Sebastian as if it was just sinking in.

“Yes.”

“They're sure it's him?”

“Well that's the thing.”

“What do you mean?”

“I read the report Alex was sent. He had ID on him, Heikki this is, his passport which he used to hire the car because it matches his driving licence, but he also had another one.”

“Another what?”

“Another passport. A false one.”

“What?” breathed Seb, feeling himself slipping.

“He had a false passport it seems he was travelling under,” explained Christian.

 

Seb closed his eyes feeling nauseous and Mark let go of his hand to put his arm around him. Seb's breathing had gone shallow and Mark was getting increasingly worried.

“Sweetheart do you want to get some air?”

Sebastian opened his eyes, but he wasn't looking to Mark, he was looking to his boss sat opposite.

“He was here for me.”

Christian wanted to be able to deny it but he couldn't.

“I'm sorry Seb.”

Seb tried to take a calming breath and a thought struck him.

“Is that why the police would contact us?”

Christian sighed and nodded.

“He had his phone with him and apparently there are a series of photographs.”

“Of me?”

“Apparently. Yes. I'm sorry Seb.”

“Oh god.”

“I don't know when from or where. I haven't seen them obviously but...”

 

Sebastian wasn't listening. He had closed his eyes again and now he was in freefall. Photos. A false passport. Heikki had been following him. He really had been following him. And he was dead. Heikki was dead. Could he really be dead? Was it just another trick? Another lie? Something else designed to hurt him and confuse him, messing with Sebastian's head and undermining his life. He couldn't just be dead. Heikki couldn't just... He couldn't just...

Seb's brain stuck on repeat. Spinning past control. He couldn't feel the sofa beneath him. He didn't realise how his head swayed until Mark's hands were under his arms and he was hauled up. Seb forced his eyes open and all he saw was Mark's worried face. Mark didn't say anything either to him or Christian left sat on the chair to the side. Instead he just got Sebastian out of the room, along the corridor and through the back door into the garden.

  
  


Fresh air oddly made Sebastian feel even more sick and he didn't know how his legs were moving, but he was grateful as Mark lowered him to sit on the grass, his knees bent upwards. Mark kept his arm around him, trying not to panic at how white Seb looked.

“Sweetheart it's okay.”

Sebastian looked at him. His chest felt hot and it was spreading all over his body. He knew he wasn't breathing properly. Seb needed to close his eyes. He just needed to close his eyes to stop the light sparking in them.

  
  


  
  


“Shit,” gritted Mark as he could do nothing to stop Sebastian's head slumping forwards into his knees.

He couldn't tell if Seb was even conscious or not. Mark leaned in, trying to look, but Seb's face was buried and he wasn't moving. Mark suddenly panicked as he realised he couldn't even tell if Seb was breathing. He tried to lift him up but Sebastian was now a dead weight and he felt remarkably heavy.

“Sweetheart can you hear me?”

Mark managed to raise Seb's upper body away from leaning into his propped knees, but his head stayed lolled forwards and Mark knew he too was on the verge of really panicking now.

“Seb open your eyes darling. Please.”

He thought he might have seen a flicker of Sebastian's eyelids so Mark leaned in as he continued to hold Seb up, doing all he could to sound calm so as not to make things worse.

“Seb? Please darling I need to know you're okay.”

Something seemed to filter through and Seb's eyes flickered again before blearily batting open. Mark tried to sit him up but Seb was still heavy in his arms and Seb couldn't quite keep his head up or properly open his eyes. They drooped just as his body did and if Sebastian had been conscious enough to appreciate that fact he would have panicked more at that, but he still felt out of it.

“Mark,” he mumbled.

Mark sighed in relief at getting any kind of response.

“Darling it's okay, you're okay.”

“I don't... don't feel right,” managed Seb weakly.

“It's okay.”

Sebastian closed his eyes feeling sick again.

“Please Mark I don't feel right,” breathed Seb sounding anxious.

“Okay, okay.”

Seb was straining against his hold so Mark allowed him to lean back into his propped knees. He wanted to ask Seb to look at him again, but as he kept an arm wrapped around him Mark could feel how exaggerated his breathing was.

“It's okay sweetheart, just take a minute. You're alright.”

Sebastian knew he wasn't. He couldn't feel his body properly and it was taking all his brain had to keep the shallow breaths going to prevent them overlapping and spilling into hyperventilating.

“I feel so dizzy,” he let out.

“Yeah. Oh sweetheart.”

Mark leaned in closer to him and put his head by Seb's.

“It's alright darling, it's alright.”

 

Seb just kept his eyes closed and breathed as the world continued to swirl around him unseen. He didn't know if he was swaying but at least he could feel Mark there holding onto him to stop him from falling. Mark sat up a bit and stroked over his back, hoping that might be a comfort to Seb. Then he lifted up to notice that the dogs had come to sit on the grass by them. Mark wanted to tell them that Seb was alright, but he was sure they knew as he did that Seb really wasn't.

“Um.”

Mark turned his head further to see Christian lurking awkwardly in the kitchen doorway. He stepped out and took a few steps towards where they were sat, looking down at Sebastian with concern.

“Is he okay?”

Mark wanted to ask if Seb _looked_ okay, but Christian was plainly worried and Mark guessed he had waited as long as he could before nobody returned and he couldn't sit there any longer. Mark kept his right hand on Seb's back and sat upright.

“No mate.”

“Shit. Sorry I... God Mark I was trying to spare him a shock and I only made it worse. I just didn't know how to tell you. I'm sorry.”

Mark just shook his head. He knew Christian meant well. There was probably no good way to hear this kind of news. On hearing his boss's voice Sebastian tried to lift his head but only got it part way up. Christian came closer and ducked down on his haunches to look at him, worrying even more at Seb's ashen pallor and how out of it he seemed.

“Seb?”

Sebastian tried to speak but now he felt sick again. He just needed everything to go away. He wasn't even thinking about the matter that had caused him to feel this way. All he could do was deal with the more immediate problem of how terrible he felt. His whole body was tingling oddly and whenever he opened his eyes he felt nauseous as the light seemed too bright around the edges.

“Does he need a doctor?” asked Christian addressing Mark though he still looked at Seb.

Sebastian wanted to protest, but he felt too awful so instead he leaned sideways into Mark's chest and closed his eyes again.

“Should I call Doc Phillips?” suggested Christian.

Mark sighed as he held Seb in and reluctantly nodded. He knew Seb wouldn't like it, but he was worried.

“Yeah mate I think that might be best.”

“Okay.”

Christian nodded and stood back up again. He wanted to say something else, but he couldn't think of anything helpful so he just gave Mark another nod before walking back inside to make the call.

  
  


 

 

Sebastian hardly noticed how much time passed before the doctor arrived. Christian had brought out a bottle of water in the interim, but after seeing Seb still pale and leaning into Mark he had felt uncomfortable and with nothing to be done and not much to be said, he had gone back inside to wait around there, ostensibly to let the doctor in. Seb had sipped the water with Mark's help and felt his breathing regulate, but he still felt dreadful, as if disconnected from the world and only linked to it by Mark holding onto him.

The dogs hadn't budged from the vigil beside them despite being ignored and as Dr. Phillips was brought through the house and out into the back garden, they sat up and barked. Mark turned his head to see Christian and the doctor approaching and shook his head.

“It's alright boys, he's here for Seb.”

Mark knew Christian must have explained the situation for Dr. Phillips to have got here so fast.

“Seb sweetheart the doc's here.”

He helped Sebastian sit more upright though he didn't let go of him. The doctor came and knelt by them, looking in at Seb to see he was still pale.

“Hey Seb, how're you doing?” tried the doctor.

Sebastian looked at him feeling incapable of explaining. If he'd been feeling more cogent he would have said no to the doctor coming here.

“Let's just take a look at you,” offered the doctor in a calm, unthreatening voice.

Seb noticed the doctor had his bag with him and soon the little penlight was out and the doctor was taking his pulse. Seb thought it must surely have slowed now.

“Do you feel cold?”

“I don't know,” replied Sebastian heavily. “I don't feel anything.”

“You feel numb?”

“I guess.”

“He needed some air,” explained Mark.

The doctor nodded.

“Should we go inside?” Mark wondered.

Dr Phillips put his hand on Seb's forehead to feel if it was clammy, cold or too hot. He turned to Christian who still waited a little way off.

“Could you find us a, I don't know, a hoody or something?” he requested.

“Um, sure.”

“There's one on top of the suitcases in the hall,” directed Mark.

“Right.”

 

Christian went to fetch it and while he was gone the doctor began questioning Seb, thinking he might get more honest responses when his boss wasn't there.

“Do you feel dizzy or disorientated?”

Sebastian didn't want to nod his head. He didn't really want to answer at all, but he did.

“Yeah.”

“Both?”

“Yeah. I just... I feel disconnected.”

“Okay. Do you feel tired?”

“Yeah.”

“Sweetheart do you want to go lie down?” enquired Mark.

Sebastian leaned more into him, resting the side of his head by his shoulder.

“I just don't feel right,” he explained quietly, more to Mark than the doctor.

“Do you know where you are?” asked Dr Phillips.

“Mm.”

“And where is that?”

“The garden.”

“Where?”

“Home.”

“Okay.”

  
  


The doctor was now pulling out blood-pressure monitoring equipment and Sebastian sighed before allowing his arm to be moved so it could be checked. He saw Christian come back carrying the hoody and hated the fact that everyone was fussing over him. He wanted everyone except Mark to go away, but as the doctor removed the wrap from around his arm and Christian passed Mark the hoody, Sebastian felt passive and he hadn't the energy to stand up for himself, never mind actually to stand up. All he could do was sit there allowing Mark to put the hoody around his shoulders.

“How is he?” enquired Christian.

The doctor hesitated and looked to Sebastian who gave the tiniest of nods. Dr Phillips chose to look at him and Mark rather than his boss as he gave his verdict.

“I think it's shock. Your blood-pressure is actually very low, as is your pulse. It's a reaction to a reaction. I presume your first reaction was the opposite?”

Mark nodded on Seb's behalf and the doctor nodded back.

“Okay. Did you actually pass out?”

“I don't think so.”

Mark hmm'd in disagreement and the doctor looked to him.

“Did he?”

“I dunno exactly. He did sort of cut out a bit.”

Sebastian frowned up at Mark.

“Sweetheart you weren't responding.” Mark looked to the doctor. “He went very pale inside so I brought him out here.”

“I felt sick,” recalled Seb.

“Do you still feel sick?” asked the doctor.

“A bit.”

 

Mark picked up the water to pass back to him and Seb took a sip before lowering it back down.

“Okay, so you felt sick and came outside,” prompted the doctor.

“I sat him down with his knees up and he just rested his head down with his eyes closed,” explained Mark.

“Seb do you remember that?”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“I dunno doc. I just needed to close my eyes for a bit.”

“Hmm.”

Mark spared a hand to rub at his face.

“I think maybe he needed to shut off for a while. He just scared me when he didn't answer.”

“You were talking to him?”

“Yes.”

“So was he unconscious?”

“I don't know mate. He was just a bit out of it. It wasn't for long.”

“And then he did respond?”

“Yeah then he just needed to rest.”

The doctor took a deep breath and nodded slowly. He looked to Christian again.

“Christian, would you be so good as to make us some tea?”

“Tea? Oh, yes of course. Sugar?”

“Yes.”

 

Sebastian sighed at the prospect of more of the dreaded sweet tea. His boss went off to the kitchen and when he was gone the doctor tried again.

“Seb did you hear Mark trying to talk to you?”

“When?”

“When you first came outside.”

“Oh doc I don't know. I was just feeling all over the place.”

“He didn't keel over or anything,” recounted Mark.

“Yeah,” nodded the doctor. “It's just given the recent incident in Hungary.”

“That's not... It's not the same doc,” tried Seb.

“No well perhaps not.”

Sebastian looked to him properly, his eyes now wide.

“Please don't tell Christian I passed out.”

“Seb.”

“No please doc.”

“Anything you tell me is confidential.”

Sebastian huffed a weak laugh and the doctor frowned.

“Seb this is outside of racing.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“So you won't tell?”

The doctor shook his head at Sebastian's ability to come across as a schoolboy at times.

“Not unless it is relevant.”

“It's nothing to do with racing.”

“Okay, so...”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder.

“Maybe. I don't know how much of Mark talking to me I heard.”

“Okay, thank you. Seb you've got to trust me as your doctor. If I don't know things I can't treat you properly.”

 

Sebastian caught Mark giving him a look and the doctor saw some kind of silent conversation going on between them.

“What is it?” asked the doctor.

Seb was still looking at Mark who now raised an eyebrow before getting a small nod and answering for him.

“There was another, I guess almost incident,” recounted Mark, “the week before.”

“The week before when?”

“Hungary.”

“And by incident you mean?”

Mark rubbed at his jaw.

“He just, well, he had another dodgy moment.”

The doctor opened his mouth in surprise.

“You mean he fainted?”

“Almost.”

“I didn't really faint,” defended Seb. “I just sort of sat down.”

“Sat down?”

“I stood up from the sofa.”

“And then sat down unintentionally?”

“Yes.”

“Were you dizzy?”

“Yeah.”

“And you were overcome by it?”

Sebastian sighed and gave a tiny nod.

 

The doctor shook his head.

“Seb, why didn't you tell me this?”

Sebastian looked towards the kitchen hoping his boss couldn't hear them inside and the doctor had his answer.

“I have to know these things,” persisted the doctor.

“It wasn't related to Hungary,” defended Seb.

“In your medical opinion,” the doctor challenged.

Sebastian pouted and Dr Phillips could see him giving big blue eyes, but they weren't going to work on him.

“Seb you _must_ tell me things if I am your doctor. When exactly was this?”

“The Saturday before. I was just having a bad couple of days and hadn't eaten properly. The three things, they're totally different.”

“Hmm.”

The doctor shook his head again. The causes might have been different, but the reaction wasn't. A reaction was telling of a body's instinctive behaviour.

 

Sebastian had turned to look at Mark, pleading with him silently not to give away any more. He couldn't deal with this right now. Thinking about why he had nearly fainted before made him think about the cause then, and that made him think about the cause now. Even in Hungary Seb had thought he'd seen something and now he knew it could have been Heikki all along. How long had be been sneaking around on a false passport? What were the photos on his phone? Had he been there in Germany when Seb's family had been there?

 

“I feel sick again,” complained Sebastian quietly, not enjoying feeling interrogated.

“Do you want some water?” asked Dr Phillips.

Seb gave a small shake of his head and closed his eyes leaning more into Mark.

“Sweetheart?”

“He was following me. All our checks and still...”

“He's gone darling. He can't do anything anymore.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes tighter. His brain couldn't accept that Heikki could be dead. It felt like a lie just as the reports had been lies. Could Heikki somehow be pulling some other horrible trick on him? He was making Seb feel as though he was losing his mind. He'd thought that when he'd been convinced Heikki couldn't be stalking him again only to learn now that he _had_ been. What were those photos? How many times had he been there? Had each time Seb thought he had seen something really been Heikki, or could he actually have only been there a few times and Seb really had imagined the rest because Heikki had destabilised him?

No wonder he'd shut down before. Seb felt his brain spinning up and he was still in no shape to cope with it.

 

Dr Phillips wanted to say something, but Christian came out bearing tea for all of them. He passed one mug to Seb then handed around the others, kneeling down on the grass with them. It felt bizarre to be sitting here on the grass drinking tea. None of them really seemed to know what to say, so they sipped their drinks and let the time pass.

“Seb, how are you feeling?” asked the doctor once he had emptied his mug.

Sebastian sighed. He didn't want to admit it had been an effort to drink the tea. It had felt an effort just to hold the damn mug. His head felt completely scrambled and his body wiped out.

“I'm really sorry I just dropped that bombshell on you,” apologised Christian. “I should have found another way.”

Seb didn't answer and Christian felt even more guilty.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Dr Phillips quickly turned to him and shook his head and Christian felt worse. He had no training for this kind of thing and though he'd seen Seb looking bad before, the shut-off version of him really didn't give him much to go on. The way Mark wouldn't shift from holding onto Seb was telling though.

 

Mark and Sebastian had ignored Christian's question. Instead Mark looked at Seb and asked him quietly.

“Do you still feel sick?”

“I don't know. I just feel a bit...” Sebastian looked up at him and whispered, not wanting the others to hear. “I feel a bit shaky.”

Mark rubbed over his arm.

“Do you want to go in? Lie down maybe?”

“In bed?”

“Wherever you like darling.”

“Okay.”

“Can you stand?”

“I don't know.”

“Doc, can you give me a hand? I think he'll be better off lying down.”

“A rest is a good idea,” concurred the doctor.

The doctor helped Mark get Sebastian to his feet then advised him to stop and wait while Seb's brain readjusted to the elevated height and let Seb indicate when he was ready to move. Mark kept his arm around Sebastian as they walked in. Christian was left feeling like a spare part as he gathered up the abandoned mugs to take into the kitchen while the other two took Sebastian upstairs.

  
  


Once in their room Mark sat with Sebastian on the bed, then leaned down to remove his shoes for him before encouraging him to lie down, pulling the duvet over him. Seb looked up, not liking being alone.

“Aren't you getting in?”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh at the idea of the poor doctor having to awkwardly watch that. He leaned in and kissed Sebastian's forehead.

“In a bit darling.”

He stood up and the doctor came closer.

“Seb how do you feel now? Please be honest.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“I don't know. Heavy, like my blood is lead.”

The doctor nodded.

“Rest,” he prescribed. “If you can eat something later please do. Maybe leave taking the dogs out for a walk until tomorrow.”

He indicated the dogs who had followed them upstairs and something occurred to Mark.

“Oh shit. Doc we're meant to be going on holiday.”

“When?”

“Today.”

The doctor shook his head.

“No I'm sorry that's not a good idea. In a few days time maybe, but right now Seb is where he needs to be.”

 

Mark nodded and went to sit by Seb on the bed.

“Sorry darling.”

“I just don't want to think about it.”

“About our holiday?”

“No, him.”

“Oh.”

Mark rubbed at his face wondering what was best to say.

“Seb it's fine not to,” assured Dr Phillips. “I may not be a psychiatrist, but I know this much: You need to rest and recover from a nasty shock and whatever helps you do that is what you should do.”

“I just...” Seb looked to Mark. “How long was it going on? Was it all this time?”

Mark leaned in over him.

“No darling don't do that. Like the doc says, you don't need to think about that now. Just shut it out.”

Mark stroked over Seb's hair, but now another thing came back to him.

“Are the police coming?” worried Seb.

“No darling.”

“But Christian said.”

“I'll talk to him and sort it out. I think he meant they might need to contact us.”

“I don't think I can deal with that right now Liebling. I don't want them coming to the house.”

Sebastian felt suddenly frightened and teary. He didn't want the doctor to see, but a tear escaped and Mark scooped him up to hold Seb against him.

“They're not going to. It's alright. We'll sort it all out. Don't panic darling, okay?”

Seb felt comforted by being pressed into him. He didn't want Mark to leave, but if he had to sort things out then maybe he had to do those things first? Seb rested his cheek into him for another moment, then lifted away and rested back down into the bed, trying to show Mark that he was okay.

 

The doctor had momentarily affected interest in a photo-frame with a shot of them with Seb's family from Christmas set on a chest of drawers over to the side, but now he came back over.

“Why don't I stay while you sort what you need to?” he offered to Mark.

Mark didn't want to leave Seb, but he looked at his watch and saw that it was now gone eleven am and if he didn't pull his finger out the car would be here expecting to take them to meet the plane. He needed to let people know they were on hold for now. He looked down at Sebastian in bed.

“Sweetheart I'm just gonna make a few calls to delay things, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Alright, I won't be long.”

Mark gave Seb a reassuring smile then got up with a nod to the doctor. He walked out and Sebastian found himself left alone. He still felt horrible and all Seb wanted was for everyone to leave while Mark climbed into bed with him. He needed Mark to hold onto him so he could safely close his eyes and make the world go away. Sebastian felt anxiety clawing at him. It didn't even properly make sense seeing as they had been talking about things that were by definition in the past. If Heikki really was gone that ought to make him feel better, but it didn't. His mind simply wasn't operating logically and Seb wanted to shut it off to hide in a safe place until he was more ready to deal with this.

  
  


 

Downstairs Mark made apologetic phone-calls to the operators of their hired plane, to the hotel far on the other side of the world and texted Pauline, telling each of them that they tentatively rearranged things delayed until Sunday. Pauline immediately texted back asking what the problem was, but Mark didn't feel up to telling her so he merely gave the excuse that something had come up that they needed to deal with. Then he went through and found Christian stood in the kitchen.

“Mark, how is he?” enquired Christian.

Mark stretched his arm around and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Not brilliant mate. Think the doc's right. He needs a rest.”

“I'm sorry Mark. I can't believe I just blurted it out like that. I didn't know how to say it.”

Mark shrugged and puffed a breath.

“To be honest mate I think however you said it it would have hit him pretty hard.”

“Mm.”

“I've rung and we'll delay going away for a bit.”

“Ah hell.”

“Doc reckons he needs to be home and I think he's right. Seb's worrying about what the police will want.”

“Well shall I ask Alex to get back onto his contact?”suggested Christian.

“Yeah couldn't hurt.”

“I suspect it will be to confirm what they've found.”

“Mm. Not today though mate, if this guy has any sway at all please ask Alex to get him to hold off until tomorrow.”

“I'll do my best.”

“To be honest I think I need some time too. It's pretty hard to believe this could just happen out of the blue. I mean a fake bloody passport?”

“I know.”

“I guess we knew he was a devious bastard. We should have realised that him being too quiet wasn't right.”

“Yeah maybe. At least...” Christian paused, then shook his head. “I probably shouldn't say this, but at least the problem is over with.”

“The problem?”

“Heikki. If he's dead then that rather removes the issue.”

“If?”

“I mean he is.”

“Yeah. I guess it doesn't really seem real does it?”

“No. Can't say I'm sad to hear it.”

“Bloody hell no,” agreed Mark. “Christ, I've wished the bastard dead enough times. Dreamt of doing it myself more than a few times.”

“Mm, perhaps don't say that to the police,” advised Christian.

“Well I could hardly have been driving that lorry.”

“No but even so.”

“Yeah mate, don't complicate things more than they are already,” accepted Mark.

Christian nodded.

“Right um, I'll call the office and see if Alex can make contact. Excuse me a minute.”

Christian stepped into the hall while Mark got himself a glass of water, waiting for him to come back through.

  
  


“Okay so Alex is going to pass on the message and see if his friend can arrange them leaving off with Seb until tomorrow. Apparently he's been co-opted onto the case seeing as he took the original statement, which is why they spoke to him. So that's something.”

“Right.”

“He also asked, Alex that is, about whether you guys want this as an update to a report.”

Mark frowned.

“Sorry?”

“The reports he made for the adoption agency.”

“Oh god mate, not now.”

“Yes but I'd imagine you'd want them to know the issue has been removed as it were.”

Mark puffed a breath and rubbed his face before nodding.

“Yeah I suppose so. Once it's been resolved.”

“So shall I tell him yes? I would have thought he could get the police report sent.”

“When it's all finalised, not while things are still being dealt with.”

“Alright.”

“As soon as we've sorted this we need to get away,” explained Mark. “I've delayed our flight till Sunday but we need that holiday. Seb needs that holiday.”

“Yes I've no doubt.”

“I should go back up.”

Christian nodded.

“Things hit Seb harder than he lets on don't they?” he observed.

Mark said nothing. He merely gave a tiny tip of his head before heading back upstairs.

  
  


Mark walked back into the bedroom to find the doctor sat on the edge of the bed by Sebastian. He'd tried to see if he could get him to open up a bit, but Seb had clammed up and Dr. Phillips knew he was on a hiding to nothing, so he just kept an eye on him as he had promised. As he saw Mark walk in he stood up.

“Ah Mark.”

Mark looked past him to Seb thinking he looked very pale and still, then glanced to the doctor.

“Thanks mate.”

“I've just advised rest. You shouldn't underestimate shock.”

The doctor took a few steps away and Mark went with him to the doorway, the doctor speaking to him quietly.

“Mark I can't get him to talk to me.”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm sorry doc but he's not going to want to show weakness to the team.”

“I'm a doctor.”

“You're the team doctor.”

Dr Phillips sighed. He was never going to win Seb's complete trust. He'd let him down in the past and whether Sebastian consciously held it against him or not, it had to be a factor.

“I'm not going to undermine his position with the team.”

“No, well, good. He just needs a rest. He'll be fine. He always bounces back,” asserted Mark.

 

The doctor nodded. He suspected that such outward stoicism cost Sebastian in the long-term. He appeared completely pole-axed by this morning's latest trauma, but no doubt Mark was right, he'd find a way back. They were fortunate that they were into the summer break with no need to return to racing for several weeks.

“Alright, well if you need me you have my number still don't you?”

“Yep, thanks. I've held off our holiday till Sunday. That should be alright don't you think?”

“I would hope so. Right, I think the best thing I can do now is give you some space.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“We'll let ourselves out.”

“Sure. Thanks doc.”

“If he's not improved by tomorrow please do give me a ring Mark.”

“Hopefully I won't need to.”

“Mm, okay then.”

“Thank you for coming.”

The doctor gave a shake of his head and offered out his hand which Mark shook before letting him go. Mark knew he probably ought to say goodbye to Christian, but he had left Seb for too long so he shut the bedroom door and went over to him, sitting beside Seb on the bed to look down at him.

 

“Hey sweetheart.”

Mark reached to card his fingers through Seb's hair at the side and Sebastian looked up at him.

“Are you feeling any better?” Mark enquired.

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder.

“I don't like that they saw me like that,” he complained.

“Don't worry about it,” assured Mark.

“The doctor kept asking stuff.”

“Mm. You didn't want to talk to him?”

Seb gave a small shake of his head.

“Okay. Well they're going now.” Mark cocked an ear to hear the front door close, then cars pulling away on the drive. “There you go. Just us now.”

Sebastian looked up at him. He wanted Mark closer, needed him.

“Liebling will you get in with me?” he requested.

Mark nodded, pushing off his shoes as he went around to the other side of the bed and climbing under the cover fully dressed. As soon as he was in Seb shuffled up to him and Mark automatically wrapped his arms around him. Seb pressed his cheek into Mark's t-shirt clad chest and closed his eyes.

 

“I just feel horrible,” explained Seb quietly.

Mark stroked his hand over Seb's side.

“It's alright darling.”

Sebastian took in a shaky breath and now they were alone he felt the restraint lifted and he felt the repressed anxiety rising to the surface.

“He was stalking me again.”

“Darling he's gone now. He can't hurt you anymore.”

Sebastian snatched a breath and then let go the tears he'd been holding back.

“I should be happy but I can't believe it's true. All I can think about is him being there, watching me. It feels like he's still there.”

“He's not. He's gone.”

“But he was.”

Sebastian took a series of shuddering breaths and began crying in earnest.

“I can't, I can't believe it.”

“Darling it's okay. Just let it out.”

“Is he really gone?”

“Yes darling, he's gone. Good riddance.”

“I don't know what to believe anymore.”

“This is coming from the police.”

“But...”

“Would seeing the report help?”

“I don't know.” Sebastian sniffled into him then angled his head to look at Mark. “I'm not sure I believe reports now.”

“The police report though.”

“I don't want the police here.”

Sebastian sounded so anxious and Mark hated it.

“No sweetheart, not here, just the report. Don't worry about it now. Christian's going to get Alex to put them off. You don't need to worry.”

“I don't want to think about it.”

“Don't then.” Mark stroked his hand over Seb's hair. “Just close it out darling.”

 

Seb took several more shaky breaths, unable to stop the tears flowing.

“My head, it's just... It's too full. I can't, can't deal with it.”

“Shh, it's alright.”

“It's too much. It's all too much Liebling. I can't think straight.”

“Don't think. Don't think about anything darling.” Mark lowered his head down into Seb's, speaking softly to comfort him. “You don't need to think. You just need to rest. Just rest sweetheart. Shut everything out. I'm here, you're safe. Nothing else matters.”

Seb sniffled for a while longer, his tears soaking into Mark's shirt, but gradually he slowed. He felt so tired and Mark's chest was nice, his safe place, his rock. Mark's arms around him holding him tight. He didn't even know why he felt so terrible but it was as if someone had taken the ground away and he was still falling as he had been every since Christian had spilled his news. Seb knew he just had to hold onto Mark to stop himself falling any further. He gripped around Mark's front and felt him stroking gently over his back. Sebastian closed his eyes. Shut it out. Just shut it out. Everything but this.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Seb's reaction perhaps more predictable than the event that caused it...


	159. Questioning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Sunday night, so another chapter. Some questions need answering.

 

* * *

 

  
  


The following day they got up only when Sebastian suggested it. Mark had switched off all alarms and let them lie in, though he woke long before Seb. He had worried that Sebastian might suffer from disturbed sleep again, but it seemed he was too affected by the shock that had hit him and exhaustion had set in. It might be emotional in cause, but Mark was used to that resulting in a physical impact on Seb, so that it didn't entirely surprise him.

Once they were up they still didn't talk much. It was as though they were continuing the previous day when once Seb had let out his initial confused distress he had shut down and either slept or gone within himself. Mark didn't want to press him after he had tried seeing if he wanted to talk about it. Seb had said no and that was enough for him. Mark knew Seb would talk when he was ready, he wasn't going to push. For now they were sat sipping tea on the sofa, the only noise provided by the television they had on mostly to remove the silence. The dogs lay at their feet, sticking close to them as they had over the past twenty-four hours. The programme in front of them finished and Sebastian leaned forwards to put his mug down. Simba at his feet looked up at him and Seb reached down to give him a stroke.

“Do you maybe want to take them for a little walk in a bit?” wondered Mark.

“Yeah okay,” Seb replied quietly.

“We don't have to.”

“No fresh air would be good.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and sighed it out. It was only mid-morning, but the day felt strange and it would be better to do something that felt at least vaguely productive.

“Shall we go now?” he prompted.

“If you like darling, sure.”

  
  


They sorted themselves out and took the dogs along the familiar paths letting them run back and forth a bit while Mark and Sebastian walked along more sedately. Sebastian hung onto Mark's arm as they went. He didn't feel ill anymore, just oddly empty. He couldn't explain it even to himself. When they reached the top of the hill they sat down as they usually did, Seb leaning into Mark's side, Mark's arm around him in their natural position. Sebastian leaned his head into Mark's shoulder and gazed out at the view. The day was fine, if not hot, and there was a mild breeze up here. This place always helped him to feel calm as if looking down at the countryside in the distance literally leant him perspective.

After they had been sat there a while Sebastian lifted his head a little to look at Mark.

“I'm sorry Liebling.”

Mark turned to look at him.

“Sorry? Sweetheart you've nothing to apologise for.”

“I just...” Sebastian shook his head. “I'm sorry Liebling I think my head's still trying to process.

Mark gave his arm around Seb a rub.

“It's fine, don't worry about it okay?”

“Okay.”

“It's shock darling, the doctor said so. You just take things at your own pace. I'm not going anywhere.”

Seb took in a breath that went oddly shaky and his eyes went watery without warning.

“Hey now,” frowned Mark.

“Sorry. God, see? I'm such a mess.” Sebastian rubbed at his face and tried to recover himself.

“Darling, it's fine.” Mark leaned his head into Seb's. “It's all fine. You feel what you feel, or don't feel. Just let yourself. It's only me here, you don't need to hold back. You don't need to explain unless you want to.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark squeezed him in a little and Seb took comfort from it. Just Mark. No pretending to be okay when he wasn't. No faking it required. Mark knew how Seb repressing emotion made him worse, even pushed him directly into panic attacks. If he needed to cry for no immediately explicable reason as he had for half of yesterday afternoon, then all Mark would do was hold him and try to comfort him. Seb closed his eyes and felt eternally grateful that he had him. He turned more into Mark and fitted his arm around Mark's front and hung on until the wave passed.

“Mein Fels,” whispered Sebastian.

Mark kissed Seb's forehead and merely held onto him. He lay his head against him so he could look out at the peaceful countryside and Mark reflected that they ought to have a rather more tropical view right now. There was no point mentioning their holiday though. It would only make Seb feel guilty and upset him. The doctor had plainly been right: Seb was in no shape to be going away just yet. Sitting relaxing in the sun might sound the perfect solution, but Mark understood the comfort of home. It didn't require any adjustment or extra effort when Seb had no energy to spare.

  
  


  
  


 

They returned home and over lunch Mark was glad to see Seb consume a little more than he had at breakfast. Everything still felt slow and quiet, as if loud bang had gone off and the reverberations resonated through the whole house. Everything was so still that when Sebastian's phone went off they both jumped and Seb felt nervy as he pulled it out to answer. There was an unknown number registering and a huge part of Seb didn't want to answer, but he knew he had to. He took a deep breath and looked to Mark as he pressed the green button to accept the call.

“Hello?”

“Good afternoon. Am I speaking to Sebastian Vettel-Webber?”

“Um, yes.”

“Good, thank you. My name is Detective Constable Andrew Riley. I'm not sure if you'll remember me, but I dealt with your case two years ago.”

“Oh right, um yes. Sorry, can I put this on speaker? My husband's here.”

“Um, if you like, certainly,” agreed the detective.

 

Sebastian put his hand over the speaker for a second to tell Mark who was calling before switching the phone to speaker and putting on the kitchen table. He took a moment to steady himself, doing his best to apply his professional voice he used when facing the media.

“Right, sorry about that,” Seb apologised.

“No problem. Okay, well I apologise for calling you, but I believe a member of your legal department has spoken to you?”

“Um, not exactly,” clarified Seb. “It was my boss on his behalf.”

“Oh right. But, um, he spoke to you about the matter regarding one Heikki Huovinen?”

Sebastian swallowed before he answered and Mark took his hand to give it a squeeze.

“Yes.”

“Okay. So I'm afraid we do need to ask you a few questions.”

“Why?” intervened Mark. “I thought it was an accident.”

“Well strictly speaking that hasn't been ruled yet,” explained the police officer, “but it's not really regarding the incident itself we need to speak to you.”

“You mean the stalking?” managed Seb.

“Yes. As I say I dealt with your case a while back which is why the investigating team spoke to me and we do have the details of the other incidents, however we need to get the full picture if we are to understand what has happened.”

Mark sighed, knowing this was unlikely to help Seb.

“Is that really necessary?” he asked.

“I'm afraid so. It's our duty to fully investigate the situation.”

Sebastian closed his eyes not liking the sound of that at all and Mark wanted to argue, but you couldn't do that with the police.

“It's just to help us understand the events that led to the fatal RTC, then we can hopefully put it to bed,” explained the detective.

“Right,” sighed Mark. “What do you need?”

“Well I need to see you Sebastian. We may need a statement.”

“It's really nothing to do with him,” pointed out Mark.

“Unfortunately that's apparently not entirely the case. I'm sorry, I'm aware that this may be distressing. We'll try and get it over and done with as quickly as possible, but we need you to help us with our enquiries.”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb quietly.

“Thank you. Perhaps it might be best if I came to see you? I've been asked to take on this aspect of the case and we just need to get it squared off. Hopefully it shouldn't take long.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark and he knew that wasn't what he wanted. Somehow having police in their home violated the safety of this space and he needed it to remain untouched right now.

“Um.”

“Or you can come into the station if you'd prefer,” offered the police officer, reading his hesitation.

“Where are you?” asked Mark.

“We're the main police station in Milton Keynes. Would that be preferable?”

Mark looked to Seb who paused then nodded. Sebastian took a deep breath to enable him to answer.

“Yeah I think that's better.”

“Very well. Can you come in this afternoon?”

Seb glanced to Mark then answered, deciding it was best to get it over with, even if he was going to be terrified walking into the building.

“Yes we're about half an hour away.”

“That's fine. Any time this afternoon will do. If you just enter via the main entrance and ask for me, D.C. Riley, and they'll ring up. I'll come down and meet you.”

“Okay.”

“Can you give us the address mate?” requested Mark, his phone already out to make a note of it.

“Of course.”

The detective rattled off the address and directions and advised where they could park, then rang off. As Sebastian disconnected the call he sat back in the chair and let out a long breath.

  
  


“You alright?” checked Mark.

Sebastian gave a little nod. Mark rubbed over his hand with his thumb.

“They're not investigating you.”

Sebastian nodded, but it was hard not to feel as if he was going to be putting himself under scrutiny.

“You think they're going to ask questions about what happened?”

“I think they'll ask about those photos and if you were aware of anything,” suggested Mark.

“Mm.”

“Sweetheart it's the same guy isn't it? So he knows the background already. I'm sure they'll have all the legal paperwork already so I don't think there ought to be any need to go into any of that.”

“Yeah.”

“You're helping _them_ Seb, you don't have to say anything you don't want to.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want to ask Alex if he'll come?” wondered Mark.

“Do you think we need a lawyer there?”

“No I'm sure it's fine.”

 

Sebastian bit his lip and tried to think. How would it look walking in with a lawyer? Wouldn't it make them look like they had something to hide?

“You think it'll just be the photos they're asking about?” he checked.

“Well I don't know for sure, but if it gets outside anything you're comfortable with we'll just stop it and call the legal team up. If Alex can't come I'm sure someone will.”

“Mm, okay.”

“We could ring back and ask him to come to the factory instead and do it there?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No we've said it now. I just need to do it, get it over with.”

“Right, okay then. It'll be fine.”

Sebastian nodded, then stood up decisively. He just had to be brave and do it. Mark would be there with him. He hadn't needed to ask that.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Not long later they sat in the small car-park outside a 1970's concrete block that was the central police station in Milton Keynes. If the architect had been going for brutalist oppression as his architectural inspiration he'd certainly pulled it off. The building squatted bluntly in front of them, few windows visible, and even Mark had to admit to himself that it was intimidating, though he suspected that was intentional. He turned to Seb sat in the seat beside him.

“Okay?”

Sebastian took a settling breath, but it didn't quite work.

“I'm really nervous,” he confessed.

Mark reached to take his hand.

“It's okay to be nervous, but they're not investigating you. They just need to tidy up some details on what happened so they can complete their file and close it off. That's how we need to see it darling; closing it off. Then we can put it behind us and move on. Yeah?”

“Yeah I guess.”

Mark squeezed Seb's hand in his.

“He's gone. This is a good thing, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So hang on to that.”

Seb nodded and Mark nodded back.

“We'll just get this done as quickly as possible. At least we've met the cop before and he knows the background as much as he needs to. No need to get into anything more.”

“Yeah alright.”

“You don't answer anything you don't want to. We're just helping them out.”

“Yep, yep okay.”

Sebastian took a deep breath, held it for a moment, then let it out slowly.

“Okay, let's go,” he suggested, knowing that if he sat there any longer his nerves would only get worse. Just get in and get it done and like Mark said, then Seb could maybe start thinking about whether putting it behind him was really possible.

  
  


  
  


They walked into the building and as instructed, asked at the desk for the detective who appeared two minutes later to take them through. He led them into a small room and offered them a drink which they refused as they sat at a table. Laid out in front of them was a note-pad and pen and an iPad ready alongside a file which contained paperwork that both Seb and Mark guessed was about previous incidents.

“Okay, so thank you for coming in,” began the detective.

“That's okay,” offered Mark.

Seb just nodded and the police officer thought it might be best to press on.

“Right, so to clarify things I should explain; I contacted you because in the course of investigating a fatal traffic incident we established that the person killed was in the possession of two passports, one identifying him as Heikki Huovinen and another in a different name which did not match any of his other ID. He was also in the possession of a mobile phone registered in the name of Heikki Huovinen which amongst other things had a number of photographs which appear to be of you.”

 

Sebastian had pulled his chair close to Mark's and it was no coincidence that their legs were pressed next to one another's under the table. He took comfort from the contact and now nodded.

“Okay,” continued the detective. “So we have all the paperwork regarding past incidents of stalking and the restraining order which was recently dropped. Can I ask why that was?”

“We thought it wasn't needed anymore,” stated Mark. “Obviously it seems we were mistaken. We only just did it.”

“Mm, well, can I take it that means you were unaware of any further stalking?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and shook his head.

“I thought I was imagining things.”

“Oh, so you were aware of it?”

“No not exactly. I guess I thought I saw something once or twice, but we asked Alex, the lawyer at my team, to run some checks and it all seemed to show Heikki was in Finland and there was nothing to worry about, but...” he shrugged, “I guess that was all wrong.”

The detective was busily making notes as they spoke. He looked up and nodded.

“As there was no activity on his legitimate passport that wouldn't be an unreasonable conclusion.”

Mark looked at him and wondered if that was him covering his back seeing as they presumed that information had come via him. Mark wondered whether he ought to ask, but perhaps that would only get the police officer into trouble, so it was best left seeing has he had been doing them a favour.

“We really thought it was all over with to be honest mate,” Mark explained.

“Yes. Okay, so Sebastian I have the photographs on here.” He indicated the iPad. “Would you be willing to take a look at them?”

 

Seb nodded. He both did and didn't want to see them. He was curious, but it scared him too. Seeing as they were here he knew he had to bite the bullet and do it. The detective pressed a few buttons, then turned the iPad around to show it to them. The first shot was of Mark and Sebastian in a car-park. It took a moment, then Seb realised it was the pair of them exiting the council building after one of their meetings with the adoption agency. He gasped in horror at the idea of Heikki having followed them there. Could he have known _why_ they were there?

“My god,” let out Seb.

“Jesus,” sighed Mark.

“Did you have any sighting at all of him in this instance?” asked the detective.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Mark?” pressed the detective.

“No, we had no idea,” Mark confirmed.

“And you can confirm this is you in the photograph?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know where it was taken?”

“Outside the council buildings in Aylesbury.”

“Okay, next.”

He showed them a series of photographs for them to go through and confirm as well: A distant shot of Seb outside the factory getting out of his car; him with Mark walking towards his waiting family in Germany.

“Damn,” bit Mark. “The bastard was there after all. I should apologise to Fabe.”

The detective looked at him, so Mark explained.

“Seb's younger brother. He said he thought he saw a guy hanging around, but when we looked he must have gone. Heikki always was a devious piece of shit.”

“I see.”

 

The detective swiped onto another picture and Sebastian closed his eyes on seeing it. He took in a settling breath before looking back at him.

“Hungary. God, I thought...” Seb shook his head and looked at Mark. “I thought I saw someone on the other side of the road outside the hotel, but there were trees and cars and... I was tired and assumed I was seeing things.”

“So did you actually see him?” asked the detective.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No just really a shadow I guess, it kind of caught my eye but I thought I was being paranoid.”

He sighed heavily and turned to Mark again.

“I thought I was imagining things but I wasn't.”

“No,” agreed Mark. “I'm sorry sweetheart.”

Seb looked back to the police officer.

“I didn't actually see him.”

“No, well from your description he had good cover. I don't suppose that was coincidental.”

“He did it on purpose,” Sebastian explained. “That's what he used to do, to mess with my head. I'd never really properly see him. He'd just hang around, get in my eye-line for a second and then disappear. I never got a proper look.”

“You mean during past the spate of stalking from a couple of years ago?” checked the detective.

“Yeah.”

Mark took his hand and looked to the police officer.

“Like I say, a devious bastard.”

“Mm. Okay.”

 

The detective nodded and made more notes. Mark wondered whether his exact words would go down. The officer reached to swipe onto another picture and Sebastian face fell even further.

“Oh Mark.”

Mark sighed and shook his head again at the sight now of another shot showing them hand-in-hand walking in the street in Oxford. There were plenty of other people in the shot but you couldn't miss them in the background. Heikki could only have been fifty yards away. Seb stared down at the table, avoiding looking at the picture.

“That was only a couple of days ago,” Mark informed the detective. “We were in Oxford shopping.” He looked to Seb. “Did you think you saw him?”

Sebastian looked up.

“I dunno. I saw something. A blonde head, but then it was gone. I really thought I must be imagining things.”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked back to the detective.

“I didn't see anything, but it was very busy in town so...”

The detective nodded and made another note.

“The shot is recorded as having been taken on Wednesday this week. Is that correct?” he checked.

Seb nodded, hating that it had been so recent.

“Yeah that'd be right,” confirmed Mark.

Sebastian looked over at the police officer sat opposite them, waiting to see if there were to be any other unpleasant revelations coming their way. As the man reached towards the iPad Seb suddenly let out his biggest worry.

“There's none at the house are there?”

The officer could hear how anxious he was. He picked up the iPad and shook his head.

“No, no more. There were several more of these shots, but they were clearly taken in succession so I've just given one of each incidence.”

Sebastian let out a relieved sigh, thankful for small mercies.

“You can see the others if you wish? They're essentially the same.”

Seb shook his head.

“No mate I think that's quite enough,” confirmed Mark.

“Okay, thank you. I appreciate that this is difficult.”

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath. It was awful to see these photos and know that Heikki had taken them and had been so close, but there was a weird part of him that took some consolation from learning that he _hadn't_ been imagining things. Mark still had a hold of his hand and his main thought was focussed on the horrible idea that Heikki had been so close to Seb on occasions when he had been on his own.

“I should have taken photos myself on my phone,” realised Seb.

“Hmm?” frowned the detective.

“Last time, I mean like a couple of years ago when it happened before, I thought the same thing, I thought I was imagining it, so when I thought I'd seen something I took a picture on my phone and then I could see if he really was there in the crowd. That's how we caught him last time.”

“Ah, I see. Yes that's quite a smart idea. You didn't this time though?”

“No. The checks you see. We were convinced he hadn't left Finland.”

“Yes. Well...”

“Do you know how long he was using that fake passport?” enquired Mark.

“Only in the past two months it seems.”

“Right.”

 

He looked to Seb and squeezed his hand, thinking it was good at least that it hadn't been over a longer period.

“We have records of him using it travelling here, Germany and Hungary,” recounted the detective.

Sebastian frowned.

“Not Austria?”

The detective matched his frown.

“No. Why do you say that?”

“Well of my most recent races in Europe, where I've been I mean, he seems to have been there each time, but not Austria.”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“I think I know why that is.”

“Oh?” frowned the detective.

“Cos coward that he is, he didn't want to go back seeing as he got caught there last time.”

 

Sebastian puffed a breath. Heikki had the nerve to go so far as to get a fake passport in order to stalk him but he didn't dare go back to Austria? Did that explain why there was no evidence he had hung around the house? Seb sincerely hoped so. Even if Heikki was no longer around Seb didn't want to think of him having been close to their home. It still felt as though he posed a threat even if he was dead.

“So he's only been doing this since he got the false passport?” checked Seb.

“Well that's all we have evidence for. There was no activity on his old passport over the winter, so that is our assumption.”

“Okay. I guess that's something.”

The detective merely gave a little tip of his head and made a few more notes, then looked back at them.

“Okay, so just to be clear, the last time you definitely saw him was last November when he came to your home?”

“Yes,” confirmed Seb.

“Right. I have from our Finnish colleagues that he was currently unemployed which would I suppose explain how he had the time for all this,” noted the policeman, “though you do have to wonder how he had the money if he wasn't working.”

Sebastian thought for a moment then sighed.

“When he left working for the team, well me really I suppose, there was a pay off.”

“Oh?”

“It was... I dunno, you'd be better off asking Alex, but it was severance on the understanding he went quietly.”

“Ah.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes as he thought about that. Heikki had the money to follow him around because Seb had given it to him. He'd funded his own stalking. Back then all he'd wanted was to get rid of Heikki, this outcome had never occurred to him. He'd been so naïve. Seb felt even heavier as he thought about that. He looked to Mark.

“I gave him the money. Shit. He must have thought that was so damn funny to use it against me.”

Mark sighed and rubbed at his face. That idea had never occurred to him either.

“Yeah well, joke's on him now isn't it?”

The detective chose to ignore Mark's comment and addressed Seb.

“We had requested his bank details, but they take a while, so thank you for the information, it will give us a direction to look in. I believe the Finnish police may wish to follow up how he obtained the false passport, but that doesn't affect you, it's more a matter of closing off a potentially dangerous security avenue.”

“Right, okay I've no idea about that.”

“No I wouldn't expect you to,” assured the detective.

 

He made more notes and Sebastian wished he could read them upside down so he knew what was being recorded. He was trying not to allow his mind to run on and imagine what questions might follow. The detective looked back up at them.

“So is there anything else you can tell me?”

Sebastian frowned.

“Sorry?”

“Do you have any more information to share?”

Seb looked to Mark who answered for them.

“No, just that Seb thought he might have seen him lurking, but nothing definite. Other than that we've had no contact. We genuinely believed him to be back in Finland where he belonged.”

“Very well.”

“Can you tell us anything more?” asked Mark turning it back on him.

The police officer puffed a breath.

“Only that as I believe you have been informed, there was a road traffic accident at four o'clock in the afternoon on Wednesday the third of August, two days ago that is. A lorry hit a hired car which pulled out into its path on a roundabout on the outskirts of Milton Keynes. CCTV footage seems to affirm this and a blood-alcohol test showed that the deceased was over twice the legal limit.”

“So not much of a mystery why it happened,” noted Mark.

“Mm, well...”

“Did you know he'd been done for drunk driving back in Finland?”

“Yes we have that, thank you. It would rather confirm a pattern of behaviour, but for now we are still gathering information.”

“Wednesday,” let out Seb. “That's when we were in Oxford. He was there. It must only have been hours before.”

“So it would seem,” agreed the police officer.

Sebastian looked to Mark and then back at the detective.

“Do you know, I mean... was it just him following me?”

“That's what the photographs would suggest.”

“Yeah but...” Seb sighed. “There wasn't, I don't know, any indication about him planning anything?”

“Planning anything?”

Seb looked to Mark again and Mark realised what he was worrying about.

“Anything worse than stalking,” he clarified. “Heikki this is.”

“Oh I see. No well I'm afraid the only evidence we really have is the passport and his phone. As to his intentions... I'm sorry but we'd have to ask him and obviously that's not possible.”

“Right.”

“There's nothing like a diary or notes, anything like that. It doesn't seem he wrote anything down.”

Mark nodded.

“I guess he just kept it all up in his messed-up head.”

The detective gave a small tip of his head, not wishing to agree too obviously. Seb was still worrying though. He looked to Mark with worried eyes.

“He could have been planning anything.”

“Sweetheart he can't do anything now. It doesn't matter what screwed-up plans he had. He's dead. It's over.”

 

Sebastian pushed out a long breath and nodded. It was so hard to take this all in. The detective re-read his notes, then thought of another question.

“You haven't had any other form of contact from him?”

“No.”

“No more calls or texts?”

“No he doesn't have my number,” affirmed Seb. “That was only right back at the very start before I got a new phone.”

“Okay. In that case, may I ask why you asked your legal representative to make enquires about him?”

“Oh, um.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark. He'd not really thought about the reasons Alex might have given for asking his contact to make checks for him. Mark hadn't thought about this either and they sat having a silent conversation for a moment before Mark spoke.

“It's a confidential matter. If we tell you does it get recorded officially?”

The policeman sat back a little.

“I take it you'd rather it doesn't?”

“Yeah. Just, nothing personal mate, but our private information has a nasty habit of ending up in the papers.”

The detective nodded slowly, then closed his notebook.

“Off the record?”

Mark glanced to Seb who gave a small nod.

“As long as it really does stay confidential?” Mark checked.

“Unless it is pertinent I shall leave it between us.”

Mark paused, then decided he needed to make it clear it was nothing to do with what had gone on.

“Okay, so we're trying to adopt.”

The police officer's eyebrows rose a little then he nodded.

“I see.”

“Alex didn't tell you?”

“No he merely asked about Heikki,” explained the detective.

“Okay, so we wanted to be confident there was nothing to worry about on that score and then the adoption agency wanted that information too.”

“I see,” repeated the detective.

“You're not going to tell anyone are you?” asked Seb. “Please, we're really not there yet. We don't want this coming out in the media.”

The police officer held up a calming hand.

“This may remain between us. I simply needed to know if it was related.”

“It's not,” asserted Mark.

“Okay.”

“So this stays confidential?”

“It stays confidential. I can record that it was for your peace of mind.”

“Which is what it was really to begin with. We just passed them on to the agency after.”

“Alright well I can find no indication that Heikki had any awareness that the checks were made. I don't think there's anything to suggest his resorting to a false passport was a consequence of them.”

 

Sebastian took that in. it hadn't even occurred to him that the checks could have provoked Heikki into doing something.

“Is there anything... I mean is there anything to say _why_ he did?” Seb enquired.

The detective shrugged.

“Hard to say for sure, but we have been asking around and speaking to the police officers who attended the previous incident back in November last year, they did tell me that when they warned him off they did mention about it being possible to track passport control.”

Sebastian's mouth opened.

“What do you mean?”

“Well this was off the record too. They apparently gave him a severe warning and that was one of the things they said to put him off coming back.”

“Oh.”

“Which is not to say this is why he re-offended, but it is possible that it could be a factor in why he felt the need to travel on a false passport.”

 

Sebastian nodded. In his head he was trying to work out how it had all come about. Maybe it was a bunch of things and it had snowballed? Heikki had to have seen that he and Mark had got married. Maybe that was the spark when it went public back in March? It must have taken a while to get the passport, to make his plans.

“I'm afraid seeing as he is dead we can't ask him,” pointed out the detective. “All we can do is speculate. Informed speculation of course, but it is still our best guesses unless we are shown anything more definite.”

“I think maybe us getting married, it going public.” Seb looked to Mark. “He would have seen that and maybe it provoked him?”

Mark shook his head, not liking the term that sounded far too much like Seb blaming himself.

“He chose to do what he chose to do,” he argued. “Heikki wasn't right in the head.”

Mark looked to the detective.

“It sounds like he was drinking, getting desperate.”

“Perhaps. Certainly we can say it did him no favours,” allowed the police officer. “Okay, thank you for that. What I need to do now is quickly consult with my colleagues. I'll just be a few minutes. Are you sure I can't get you a tea or coffee?”

Seb shook his head and Mark concurred.

“No we're fine mate.”

“Okay, sorry, I'll be right back.”

  
  


  
  


As the policeman left the room Sebastian let out a long breath and Mark put his arm around him.

“Are you okay?” he checked.

Sebastian looked at the iPad left lying on the table in front of them.

“I just...” Seb closed his eyes. “The thought of him being there, taking those pictures. It's horrible.”

“Yeah. I'm sorry darling.”

Seb opened his eyes and looked to him.

“Why are you sorry?”

“That it happened, and I said it wasn't.”

“I believed the reports too.”

“I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you thought you were seeing him.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I thought I was imagining things. It's not your fault Liebling. I never properly saw him.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark sighed and squeezed Seb in. He hated thinking of him having been in danger. Those shots of him alone in the street in Hungary made him look so exposed. Mark didn't know what Heikki would have done, but it suddenly occurred to him that Heikki could have followed Seb back up to his hotel room. The notion made Mark feel sick. He certainly wasn't going to say it out-loud and put the idea in Sebastian's mind too. Thank god he'd bumped into Lewis. No doubt that damn coward Heikki had scarpered the moment he had shown up on the scene. Mark was trying not to contemplate what might have happened otherwise.

“He can't do anything any more,” asserted Mark.

Seb nodded, though he was still struggling to really accept that. Too many times he had thought Heikki was gone only for him to reappear and undermine his happiness. It might be illogical to retain that fear now, but the instinct was so deeply embedded it was hard to shake off.

They waited a few minutes wondering what was taking the detective so long. Presumably he was updating his colleagues with the information they had given him. Perhaps they were on the other side of the building?

“Do you think they're going to want to ask me more questions?” wondered Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. Hopefully not. I don't think there's a lot more to be said is there? He was up to his old tricks. That's all they needed confirming surely?”

“I guess.”

“Bit him in the end. Karma's a bitch.”

Sebastian pushed out another breath.

“It's horrible to think of him being around here.”

“Don't then.”

“I can't help it. He was so close Mark. In that shot where we were in town. That's only the other day.”

“Sweetheart he's gone.”

“Yeah.”

“Drinking again,” noted Mark. “Can't have been thinking straight at all.”

“Isn't that scarier?”

Mark shook his head.

“He can't hurt you now.”

“He must have been so messed up.”

“Yeah well we knew that already.”

“He can't have had anything in his life if he was still doing this.”

“Well don't ask me to feel sorry for him.”

“I just...”

“The only person I feel sorry for in that crash is that lorry driver. Idiot pulled out into him drunk leaving him nowhere to go. Must have messed that poor guy up.”

Seb looked at him.

“It's all just so horrible.”

  
  


Mark looked into those blue eyes and pulled him closer. He was tempted to say that Heikki brought it on himself and come to a sticky end as he was surely always destined to, but that was rather too on the nose, so Mark left it. He was just trying to think of something more positive to say when the door to the little interview room re-opened and the detective reappeared. He left the door open and paused, glancing back out to the corridor before speaking to them again.

“Umm, sorry, my colleagues would like to ask you something.”

Sebastian instantly worried what this was going to be about, but then the detective spoke in a quieter voice and he realised that these colleagues must be waiting outside.

“It's a request you are under no obligation to agree to,” he explained quietly, clearly trying to tell Seb without those outside hearing.

Seb frowned, wondering what this was about.

“Um, okay.”

“Right.”

The detective stepped back towards the door and opened it properly, beckoning two other police officers through. A tall woman with shoulder-length blonde hair edged with greys introduced herself as Detective Inspector Ledyard and a younger male as Detective Constable Poole. Seb and Mark shook hands and exchanged polite greetings, but both of them wondered what this was about.

“First off thank you for coming in. Andy tells me you delayed going away on holiday, so we appreciate it,” thanked the woman.

Mark could have told them that they hadn't done it for them, but instead he just nodded.

“It is a help to get a few blanks filled in,” she continued.

Seb could tell she was building up to something. From the way the other two deferred to her speaking he could tell she was in charge. He wished she would get on and ask whatever she wanted to. Sitting here worrying was torture. Were they going to ask more about Heikki and what had happened in the past? For all Mark's assurances that he could just refuse to answer or they could call up a lawyer, Seb wasn't sure how he could stand up for himself to the police.

“Are you going to require a statement?” asked Mark, guessing that Seb was fretting.

“Well seeing as D.C. Riley says you have no confirmed sightings or anything else, there isn't much to put down,” pointed out the Inspector. “I am going to ask you Sebastian to officially confirm the photographs were taken where you said, which having quickly looked at it just now, does match the activity on the false passport.”

 

The other detective constable produced an apparently rapidly typed piece of paper which he put before Sebastian to read. All it had written on it was his name confirming that he was in the pictures and where he had told D.C. Riley they had been taken. Seb read it carefully, then looked to Mark, asking him silently whether he ought to simply sign it. Mark could see no reason to drag a lawyer down if this was all it came to, so he gave a tiny shrug and Seb nodded before picking up the offered pen and signed at the bottom.

“Is that it?” asked Seb.

The other detective took the paper back and put it into a file. He looked to his boss who nodded, taking the lead once more.

“In terms of this, yes. We have what we need confirming movements and apparent motivation, but seeing as you had no actual contact then there's nothing more there.”

“Okay.”

 

Seb could tell that _wasn't_ all however. He doubted the woman in charge would have come down simply to say thank you and see a piece of paper signed. He daren't ask what she wanted though so he sat waiting.

“We're largely squared-off now,” confirmed the detective inspector, “and once we have just a couple more things finalised we can officially close the case, however the question of ID remains.”

Sebastian frowned.

“You mean his passport?”

“Well partially, that has complicated things, to close the matter now we actually need the body ID'ing.”

Sebastian stared at her.

“What?”

“Given that he had two passports on him. His official identity needs confirming,” she clarified.

Mark shook his head as he realised what she was getting at.

“You've got to be kidding. You're not asking _Seb_ to do that?”

“There's no next of kin.”

Mark coughed out a breath.

“Yes but...”

The woman looked at Sebastian.

“You're not compelled to and I appreciate that this is a big ask given the history you have.”

Seb was still reeling.

“You want me to look at the body and say it's him?”

“Yes that's it.”

“You can't ask that,” argued Mark.

“You can say no,” repeated the woman, still addressing Seb. “However it would be good to close the case.”

“And you can't until he is officially ID'd?” asked Seb.

“No. If you feel unable to do so then we will have to ask our Finnish counterparts to see if they can find someone who knew him sufficiently well over there who is willing to fly here. I don't know how long that will take.”

 

Mark sighed, unhappy at the pressure she was putting on Sebastian. It seemed like blackmail to him seeing as she must know that they would want the case closed to feel it was behind them.

“I understand we are asking a lot,” continued the woman, “but seeing as whatever the status of your relationship, you have in fact known him for what, four and a half years?”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and felt his stomach turn over. Four and half years during which Heikki had made his life hell whenever he had the opportunity. He felt Mark's arm around him and his hand give his side a little rub.

“You don't have to do it sweetheart.”

Seb looked to Mark, then back at the woman in charge.

“It would close the case?”

“Once we have the paperwork all done. We still have a few more details to confirm with the driver of the other vehicle and a little tidying up to be done, but once that is in place, yes.”

Sebastian took a deep breath. He didn't want this lingering on. If they closed the case he wouldn't have to worry about the police asking him anything else. To see Heikki's body though. Could he do that? Even if Heikki was dead it was terrifying, but maybe he had to do it?

“I'm not sure I can,” admitted Seb quietly.

“You don't have to,” asserted Mark as he looked at him.

Seb took another settling breath.

“I think maybe I do.”

“No you don't.”

“For me.”

Mark frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I have to know he's dead. I think I have to see it to really believe it,” Seb explained. “So many times he's lied and pulled tricks. I don't think I'll ever really accept it if I don't see it with my own eyes.”

Mark raised his eyebrows and puffed a little breath.

“Are you sure?”

Sebastian let out a mirthless little laugh.

“No, but I still think I have to.” He looked to the police officers. “What would I have to do?”

“A formal identification requires you to view the body and then sign to say that the deceased is who we think it is.”

“Okay,” Seb nodded, his voice still uncertain. “Here?”

“Yes we have a morgue.”

  
  


Seb closed his eyes at the word. It seemed brutally real, but then wasn't that what he needed? To know it was real?

“Okay.”

Sebastian's voice was incredibly quiet, but the moment he agreed the detective inspector nodded.

“Good, that is extremely helpful.” She looked to her accompanying detective. “Matt, can you go get that set up?”

“Sure.”

  
  


The man stood and left the room. Sebastian took a deep breath feeling as though there was no turning back now. It seemed they weren't about to give him time to change his mind.

“What do I really have to do?” he worried.

“You just need to look at him and confirm it is the Heikki Huovinen that you knew,” explained the inspector.

Sebastian swallowed. _Just look at him_. They had no idea how big a thing that was to actually ask: To look on his tormentor, the man who had tried to destroy him. Seb couldn't tell them how the prospect of being in the same room as Heikki, even if he was dead, was still terrifying. They knew about the stalking and harassment, but no more than that and he didn't want to explain any more than he had to. Seb could feel his heart-rate ramping up.

“Can Mark be with me?” he asked anxiously.

The woman nodded.

“If you like.”

“Okay.”

“Sweetheart...”

Seb shook his head at Mark.

“I have to see he's really dead. I have to know that for sure. For myself. I have to.”

Mark nodded. Nobody knew how brave Seb was.

  
  


  
  


Ten minutes later the pair of them stood in a corridor with the two male detectives, the senior inspector having left them to the task. As the other man went into the room to check things were ready, D.C. Riley went over the paperwork Sebastian would need to sign confirming Heikki's identity. The detective thought Sebastian looked rather pale already and suspected he might not be in the best state to take in the details afterwards. It was best to do it now so all Seb had to do afterwards was sign the document. The detective considered telling them again that Sebastian didn't have to do this, but his boss would probably kill him. This was an odd case seeing as it was really only an accident complicated by circumstances. The only crimes committed were by the deceased so there was no point pursuing them any further now they knew the score. They just needed to get it over with. He still thought it was a big ask of a victim though.

“What will I see?” worried Sebastian.

The detective looked to him, hearing the anxiety in his voice.

“He'll just be laid out. They'll uncover the face, ask you to confirm his identity and then that's it.”

“But if he crashed? Is he... I mean...” Seb swallowed. “Is he...?”

“Oh, no the injuries were internal,” stated the detective guessing what was worrying him.

Sebastian nodded and let out a shaky breath. He didn't think he could take seeing a messed up corpse. This was already horrific enough. Mark took his hand and Sebastian knew there was no way he could do this without him there. The door opened and the other police officer emerged.

“Right, they're ready if you are?”

  
  


Seb nodded, knowing he had to get this over with. The detective nodded back, then pushed the door fully open and led them in. Sebastian hung on to Mark's hand and entered the spartan room. Nobody spoke at first and Seb was sure they must all be able to hear how hard his heart was pounding. The room had tiled walls and stainless steel workbenches on the far side with only a small row of windows at the top of the wall indicating that they were at a partially below ground-level in the building. This presumably was part of the morgue seeing as there was another door to the side, though surely not the main space as it was relatively small. In the centre of the room there was a gurney with what was unmistakably a body hidden underneath a hospital green sheet. Behind it stood a woman in scrubs who Seb guessed was the coroner or an assistant of some kind. She looked at him, then to the second detective who had been in here before.

“Are you ready?” she asked.

Sebastian pushed out a breath. He felt nothing of the kind, but delaying would only make it worse so he nodded and the woman reached to lift the sheet covering the body to reveal the head. Seb took in a sharp breath and gripped Mark's hand. For a second Sebastian worried that it really could actually be a different person about to be revealed, but no, it was him, unmistakably him, Heikki. Right there in front of him. So close, horribly close.

Mark looked to him, worrying at how pale Seb looked. He'd tried to talk him out of doing this, but once Sebastian had decided something Mark knew he was wasting his time. It seemed wrong to torture himself like this, but if Seb said he needed to do it, then Mark knew he simply had to support him.

“Can you confirm that this is Heikki Huovinen?” asked the second detective.

Sebastian stared at the still, waxen face lying with its eyes closed. The skin looked almost grey, but then he supposed that was what happened when the blood no longer flowed beneath. He'd never seen a dead body before, not in real life. This whole situation seemed unreal. A weird, twisted part of him wanted to reach out and touch it to see if it was cold as surely it must be. Dead. He was really dead.

“Sebastian?” pressed the detective.

Mark gave Seb's hand a rub with his thumb.

“Sweetheart.”

“Hm?”

Seb glanced back to him, then looked at the detective.

“Can you confirm that this is the body of Heikki Huovinen?” repeated the man.

Sebastian nodded.

“I'm afraid you need to say it.”

Seb swallowed, wondering where his voice had gone.

“Yes it's him.”

“Thank you.”

 

Sebastian looked back to the corpse. In horror films this was where they would always suddenly sit up. He stared harder, too frightened to step any closer in case those eyes popped open and the head turned to look at him, the body raising eerily and arms reaching out to grab him. Seb took in a sharp breath.

“Seb?” checked Mark.

He could see Seb's chest moving more rapidly. Somewhere down the corridor a door shut heavily and Sebastian flinched.

“Are you alright?”

Sebastian looked back at him and Mark was pretty sure he wasn't okay. He looked to the original detective.

“Are we done?”

“Yes I think so. Matt?”

The other detective indicated to the paperwork in his colleague's hand.

“We just need to get this done.”

“I think... I think I need some air,” let out Seb, his breathing already more pronounced.

His skin was jumping now, heat rising to the surface despite the coolness of the room. Even dead, the sight of Heikki instinctively caused a fight or flight reaction in him and Sebastian's heart was hammering in fear.

 

The second detective told the woman they were done and as she was busy re-covering the body Mark saw how Seb was still staring at it and knew he wasn't alright. He looked to the detective they originally dealt with.

“Mate we need a minute. Can you show us a way out of here?”

“Um, sure.”

 

The detective passed his paperwork to his colleague and opened the door to lead the pair along the anonymous corridors and up a level to find a side entrance leading into the car-park. As soon as they were outside Sebastian took in a deep breath, but the fresh air that should have helped felt like a shock and nausea kicked in. He let go of Mark's hand and took couple of steps to the side to put his hand on the exterior wall of the building before jerking forwards and throwing up.

“Shit.”

Mark had an arm around him, helping Seb stay upright as his stomach heaved and he vomited twice more until there was nothing left inside him. Seb closed his eyes and leant into the wall feeling everything swirl around him. Neither of them paid any attention to the policeman standing awkwardly a few feet away. Mark was looking at Seb with concern, feeling how unsteady he was.

“Sweetheart can you look at me?” he requested.

Sebastian closed his eyes tighter, feeling his insides churning and his mind spinning.

“ _Seb_.”

Sebastian could hear the worry in Mark's voice and forced his eyes open.

“Okay, let's sit down,” suggested Mark.

 

Seb didn't think he could speak, but he forced himself to lift away from the wall and allowed Mark to manoeuvre him away from the terrible smell of vomit that only made him feel worse. Mark walked him past the detective to sit on a couple of concrete steps over to the side. Sebastian kept his head tucked forwards and his eyes closed as Mark sat with his arm around him. The detective stood where he was for a minute then came over.

“Is he okay?”

Mark gave him a look thinking surely it was obvious that Seb _wasn't_ okay. He wanted to tell him that they'd had no idea what they had been asking of Seb to send him into that bleak room to perform such a task. God only knew how people did it when it was a loved one they were going to have to see.

“Should I get some water?”

“Yeah if you would,” requested Mark.

The man nodded and walked away. A reaction like this wasn't exactly unheard of when someone was required to do an identification. Tears, fainting, even hysterics. He'd seen plenty over the years and it always reminded him that whilst they might be fairly well inured to the nastier side of life, others weren't. He went along to where there was a water cooler and filled a plastic cup before returning to the pair sat outside. Sebastian still looked very white as he sat up on Mark's instruction to accept the water and take small sips. Mark watched him for a minute before sparing a glance to the police officer stood waiting.

“Thanks mate, could you give us a bit?”

“Right, sure.”

  
  


Once they were alone Mark gave Sebastian's back a gentle rub. Relieved only that Seb hadn't fallen into a panic attack as he had feared.

“Feeling any better?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Bit.”

Mark shook his head and sighed.

“Why did you put yourself through that?”

Seb looked up at him.

“I had to.”

“No you didn't.”

“I did. I had to see him to believe it.”

“That he's dead?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

Sebastian gave a tiny nod of his head.

“I know logically...” Sebastian sighed. “I know it might not make sense. But I had to see him.”

“Okay.”

Seb sighed heavily.

“God though. I didn't know it would be so horrible. I know that's stupid.”

“No darling.”

“I was so scared.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

“I thought any moment he'd sit up and...”

Mark shook his head.

“No sweetheart he's dead, okay? He's gone. There's nothing more he can do to you.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes for another moment and gave a small nod in reply.

Heikki was gone. He really was dead. Nothing but a cold, still corpse lying there in the morgue. This was real life. Dead bodies didn't leap up to strangle you. They didn't do anything. They just looked grey because their hearts no longer pumped blood around their bodies. It struck Seb that he too had crashed and died nearly a year ago. His own heart had stopped pumping blood around his body, but it had only been for seconds before the track doctors resuscitated him and got it going again. It could have been him lying in a morgue. Would Mark have been forced to officially identify him? God, it didn't bear thinking about.

“Do you still feel sick?” asked Mark.

Seb breathed in before answering.

“A bit.”

“Do you feel dizzy?”

“A bit.”

Mark rubbed at his face with his spare hand. He was still struggling to understand why Seb had forced himself to go through this. Seeing Heikki's body all Mark had thought was that he was glad he was dead. A dark part of him hoped his death had been painful and Heikki had suffered as surely he deserved to, though Mark suspected that seeing as he was drunk when the lorry had crashed into him, Heikki had probably been completely unawares, too wasted to think straight. It had probably all happened too fast for him to even know. Maybe that was better? Maybe even your worst enemy deserved a quick death, and wishing otherwise was unworthy of him? Surely all that mattered was that he was gone?

  
  


Seb took another sip of water then rested his head sideways onto Mark's shoulder. They sat that way for a while in quiet. Sebastian tried not to think at all. A blankness was more comforting and as long as he had Mark's arm around him Seb knew he was taken care of. Eventually he took another deep breath and sat up to look at him.

“They'll be wondering where we are.”

Mark shook his head.

“They know where we are.”

“I need to go and sign that form.”

Mark looked at Seb, thinking he still didn't look great.

“Darling we're not far from the factory. Should I call Doc Phillips?”

“Mark I just want to go home. I'll sign their thing then it'll be over.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah I have to sign it.”

“That's not what I meant.”

“I'm okay. I don't need a doctor. It was just horrible that's all.”

Mark nodded slowly thinking he had tried to warn him, but if Seb felt he'd had to do it, perhaps he had? Maybe it was the only way to close the book on Heikki? To see the finality of it and know for himself he was gone.

“Alright. Do you want to go in, or do you need a while longer?”

“I want to get it done and go home.”

“Yeah okay.”

  
  


Mark helped Seb up and kept his arm around him as they walked in. Once they were back inside the building Mark realised that he had no idea where they needed to go. They walked down the corridor until they bumped into a uniformed policeman and Mark asked if he could find D.C. Riley for them. Thankfully moments later the detective appeared and took them back to the interview room where they had started.

“I'm sorry,” he apologised. “I appreciate that must have been very difficult.”

“I think we just need to get the paperwork signed and go mate,” stated Mark.

“Of course.”

The detective got the form ready to be signed and offered Sebastian a pen, pointing out where the signature was required. Once it was completed Seb looked at him.

“Is that it?”

“Yes. Thank you. I should say, even though obviously whilst there can be no prosecution or continuation of the case, we do acknowledge that you have been the victim of a crime here. There is counselling that we can offer.”

Seb shook his head.

“I just want to put it behind me, all of it.”

“Of course.”

“It's not going to get out is it?” worried Seb.

The detective frowned, then he realised what he meant.

“No. I told you this is all confidential. I...” He sighed and shook his head. “I don't know how it got out before about the stalking but I promise you I had no part in it. I don't believe it came from us.”

“How then?” challenged Mark.

The police officer opened out his hands.

“I can't know for sure. Restraining order paperwork has to be filed with a court. It could have been there, I don't know.”

“And where does this go?”

“This case you mean? Nowhere. It was an accident caused by the victim, there's no prosecution to be had. The case gets signed off, closed and filed. That's it.”

 

Mark nodded. He wondered what happened to the body if there was no next of kin to claim it. Would it still be returned to Finland? He wasn't going to ask in front of Seb. All that mattered was that Heikki was dead and for all Mark cared, his soul could burn in hell for eternity.

The detective was about to say that they could go when he remembered something.

“Um, your lawyer, Alex Benfield, he has asked me already about getting a report, official confirmation of death as it were. I presume that is on your behalf.”

Mark rubbed at his hair.

“We've not spoken to him, but yeah.”

The detective looked to Sebastian.

“I wouldn't under any other circumstances, but I know Alex, I trust him.”

Seb nodded.

“It's okay.”

“The report would not be about you or what we have discussed today. Merely confirmation of the accident report.”

“That Heikki's dead you mean?”

“Yes, basically. So you don't object to that?”

Seb shook his head.

“That's fine.”

“Okay, are we done?” asked Mark.

“Yes. Thank you.”

 

The detective stood and offered his hand to shake both their hands as they stood too. Seb looked at him.

“So that's it? You won't need to get in touch again?”

“No that's it. Thank you. It really has been a big help. I know it must have been difficult.”

Sebastian could find nothing to say back. He felt hollow and strange and all he wanted now was to be home. Mark still wanted to tell the detective he had no idea how difficult it had been for Seb, but he just nodded on both of their behalf and the detective showed them out.

  
  


They walked towards the car neither of them able to think of anything to say. Sebastian felt like a zombie, which he would have found ironic if he'd had the capacity to do so at the time. As they reached the car they stopped and Mark out his arms around Seb to give him a hug.

“It's done now darling.”

Seb looked up at him and nodded.

“It's all over,” continued Mark.

“Yeah,” Seb replied, his voice so quiet Mark could hardly hear him.

Seb closed his eyes for a moment and Mark gave his back a little rub before letting go of him.

“Come on, let's go home,” encouraged Mark.

Sebastian nodded again and they went to climb into the car. Seb glanced at their surroundings as they did but he didn't look over his shoulder. There was nothing lurking there. For the first time in years there was no doubt about that. Heikki was dead.

  
  


 

* * *

 


	160. Shadows of the Past

* * *

 

  
  


On the journey home Sebastian sat in silence, the window open by him in the car as Mark drove. It was only as they left the A roads and roundabouts of Milton Keynes and reached the country lanes that it occurred to Seb that they might have gone by where Heikki had been killed. He didn't think they'd been told precisely where the accident had happened. Then again Sebastian wasn't sure he really wanted to know. If he did, Seb knew he would never be able to go there again. Those kind of details weren't going to help and he didn't want to obsess over them. If he was really going to put it behind him he had to let all that go. Seb wasn't sure how easy that was likely to be.

  
  


When they got back Mark asked Seb what he wanted to do but Seb didn't know himself.

“Do you want to go lie down for a bit?” tried Mark.

Sebastian rubbed at his face.

“I don't know.”

“Do you want a cup of tea?”

Seb knew Mark was trying to help so he nodded and followed him into the kitchen, the dogs pouncing on them as soon as they opened the door. Mark gave them a quick rub, then went to put the kettle on. As he turned around he saw Sebastian knelt down on the floor beside them, slowly stroking the animals. He waited for the water to boil, then as he filled the teapot Seb looked up at him.

“Can you not put sugar in mine?” he requested. Mark opened his mouth but Seb shook his head. “Please Liebling it'll just make me feel more sick.”

Mark came closer and ducked down by him.

“ _More_ sick? You still feel ill?”

“I don't know. I just feel strange.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Seb gave a small shake of his head.

“I just don't want sugar, please Mark.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave his arm a little rub, then stood to make the tea.

 

Kneeling in his position felt too much of an effort to Seb so he looked to a spot where there was some kitchen wall he could rest against and went to sit there, the dogs going with him. Mark brought the mugs of tea over and pushed Simba out of the way on Seb's right side so he could sit beside him, leaning his back into the wall as Sebastian was. He handed Seb his mug.

“Why are we sat here sweetheart?” enquired Mark.

Sebastian had the back of his head resting against the wall and it felt better to be supported.

“I just feel a bit dodgy,” he confessed.

“Darling are you sure you don't want me to call the doctor?”

“He'll just tell me to rest.”

“Maybe you should lie down then?”

“In a minute.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark watched Sebastian sip his tea, then did the same. He considered suggesting that Seb at least try eating some dry toast, but perhaps it was too soon? He was probably doing well to drink anything other than water.

“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“I can't. Not yet. I'm sorry. I don't even know what I think yet.”

“Okay.”

“I think I need time to process.”

“Take all the time you need.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and tipped his head sideways onto Mark's shoulder.

“Are you sure you don't want to lie down darling?” checked Mark.

Seb looked up towards the kitchen window on the other side of the room. The earlier clouds had cleared and the sky was blue now.

“Can we go in the garden?” he asked.

“To lie down?”

“Yeah.”

“If you want to, sure. Hang on.”

 

Mark pushed himself up and took Seb's now empty mug to ditch it in the sink with his own, then went to the lounge to fetch the blanket and cushions. He came back through and collected a couple of bottles of water from the fridge.

“I'll just put things outside.”

Seb nodded and started to move to try to get up.

“No, just hang on a sec. Let me put these out first,” stopped Mark.

Sebastian looked at him and Mark could see him about to protest, but he shook his head.

“Please just give me a moment darling.”

“Okay,” allowed Sebastian.

 

Mark watched to be sure he was sitting back before hurrying out into the garden to lay out the things ready for them, returning to Seb in the kitchen and ducking down with him.

“I can stand up,” protested Sebastian.

“Indulge me.”

They looked into each other's eyes and Seb could see the familiar concern there. It wasn't fair that Mark went through so much worry.

“Okay,” accepted Seb.

He put his hands onto Mark's shoulders as Mark fitted his hands under Seb's arms in turn and lifted him up. As they stood Sebastian was more grateful for the support as he realised just how unsteady he felt. He had to let his arms down as the stretch up was too much, but he stayed leaning into Mark as he readjusted to being upright. Mark fitted an arm around his middle and walked them out to where he had laid out the blanket on the grass. As Mark helped him sit down Sebastian still wanted to say he didn't need that much help, that he wasn't actually an invalid, but the truth was he felt wiped out again. Even as they sat he leaned into Mark, wanting to close his eyes.

“Let's lie down,” proposed Mark.

“'kay.”

 

They lay down and Mark was glad he had thought to bring the cushions to rest his head on, though it he wasn't surprised to find he was Seb's cushion. Sebastian put his head on Mark's chest and his arm over his middle, appreciating how Mark fitted his arms around to hold him in place. It did feel better to lie out flat. Now he just needed to switch his brain off. Seb closed his eyes.

“Just rest darling,” instructed Mark.

The sun was warm and felt soothing. Warmth from above, Mark's comforting chest beneath him. It didn't take long for Seb to fall asleep. Mark watched him sleeping for a while to be sure he was okay, then looked up to the blue sky above. He let out a sigh as slowly as possible so as not to wake Seb lying into him, then looked back at him. Sebastian looked peaceful like this. He looked pretty much fine, but Mark knew he wasn't. He shouldn't have let the police bully Seb into identifying Heikki's body. Mark had known it was a bad idea and Seb wasn't up to it, but then it wasn't really up to him to tell Seb what to do, even if he disagreed. He just had to hope it did help in the long run to have seen Heikki was dead with his own eyes as Sebastian had said. All Mark could do now was be there for him and hope that with rest and care Seb would be okay.

  
  


  
  


  
  


 

  
  


The next morning they were in the garden once again, though now they sat in the garden chairs, the dogs at their feet. The weather was thankfully still pleasant to be out in, but it was hard to enjoy right now. Mark sat with a mug of tea held in his right hand and Seb's hand in his other. They weren't talking much. It felt as if they had barely talked at all since yesterday afternoon. Mark looked on as Sebastian gazed dully down at the dogs and gave the back of his hand a little rub. Seb looked to him and Mark tried a small smile on him.

“Do you want anything sweetheart?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You don't want anything to eat?” checked Mark.

Seb shook his head again.

“I'm sorry Liebling. I promise I'll try at lunch.”

“Okay,” agreed Mark softly. “Darling don't you want to talk?”

Sebastian looked at him.

“I don't know what to say.”

“Say whatever you want to. Tell me how you're feeling.”

“I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know what to feel, what to think. I know I should be glad that he's dead. I should be happy.”

“Darling you don't have to be happy. You don't have to feel anything.”

“I just feel strange,” admitted Seb.

Mark stroked over his hand.

“You feel what you feel,” assured Mark. “Maybe you're just not ready? I'm not trying to put pressure on you. Forty-eight hours isn't all that long and yesterday...”

“I don't want to think about yesterday,” interrupted Seb.

“Then don't. You don't have to think about anything you don't want to sweetheart. You don't have to talk if you're not ready, just know I'm here, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian took a sip of his tea and pulled a slight face to discover it had gone cold.

“Do you want me to make some fresh?” offered Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek before taking his mug and standing. The dogs went to get up too, but Mark shook his head.

“Stay here boys,” he commanded.

  
  


A few minutes later Mark returned with the fresh tea. He frowned as he walked over, unable to see the back of Seb's head where he ought to be sat in the chair, then as he got closer he saw Seb had gone to join the dogs again. Seb was sat on the grass leant into them, stroking over their fur. As Mark got closer he lifted up and Mark saw to his dismay that Seb was crying. He dumped the tea down and dropped down by him, reaching out to him.

“Hey now.”

Sebastian sniffled and leaned in to bury his face in Mark's shoulder. Mark rubbed his back.

“Sweetheart why are you crying?”

“I don't know,” let out Seb shakily.

“Okay, okay. It's alright. Let it out if you need to.”

“I don't know what's wrong with me.”

“Nothing's wrong with you. It's shock darling, the doctor said so.”

Sebastian turned his head more to look at him and Mark reached to brush at the tears that streamed down his face.

“Don't you think it's sad he had no next of kin?”

Mark goggled at him.

“Christ, don't tell me you're crying for him?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I don't know why I'm crying.”

“Alright.”

Seb let out several shuddery breaths, still staying pressed into Mark. The dogs were fussing into him, but Sebastian had no spare energy for them at the moment. Mark rubbed more firmly over his back.

“Just don't waste any of your tears on him, that's all,” he insisted.

 

Sebastian nodded, but he continued to cry uncontrollably. It was some time before he ran out of tears and sniffled to a stop. He lifted his head and looked to Mark.

“What's wrong with me?”

“Nothing's wrong with you darling.”

“Shouldn't I be happy he's dead?”

“I'm not sure happy's the word,” noted Mark.

“But I should be relieved at least.”

“You don't feel that?”

“I don't know.” Sebastian took in a settling breath. “Maybe I will, but I just... I don't feel sorry for him.”

“Good.”

“I never wished him dead though. I just wanted him to go away. Why wouldn't he do that?”

“Darling he was messed up.”

“Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Why did he have to come here? I hate that he was here.”

“I don't think he actually came here,” noted Mark.

“No but England and Germany and Hungary and maybe even other places.”

“Because he was wrong in the head darling. He couldn't let go.”

“But it's horrible.”

“I know.”

“What if he was here planning something worse than just following me?”

Mark sighed.

“Darling we can't know what he was thinking. No good comes of worrying about that.”

“I can't help it.”

“I know. I mean if he was drinking I'm not sure there was anything as organised as a plan.”

“I suppose.”

“It's bad enough what he did do,” pointed out Mark.

“Yeah.”

Seb turned his face into Mark's shoulder again.

“I hate thinking he was there as well darling,” concurred Mark. “Especially in Hungary. Of course it's horrible and upsetting, but he can't do it anymore.”

“I know.”

“Yes?”

 

Sebastian turned his head, still leaning into him. He nodded his head.

“Okay, so maybe you just need some time to accept that and let it sink in?” offered Mark.

Seb nodded, but he started crying again.

“Why? Why keep on trying to hurt me?”

Mark sighed.

“I don't know darling. I don't think we'll ever know.”

He wished he could come up with a better answer to comfort Seb and stop his tears, but that didn't seem possible. Seb wasn't making any noise. He didn't fuss or ask anything of Mark, but as he steadied Sebastian found himself dully staring out at the dogs who were lying beside them once more. To him it felt as though a rug had been pulled from under him when Christian turned up with his news on Thursday and he'd continued to fall ever since. It was only Mark holding onto him that stopped him from crashing down onto the ground. All Seb felt capable of was hanging onto Mark to stop himself from falling any further.

  
  


Mark left it as long as he could. He hung onto Seb not wanting to let go. Mark's only consolation, if there was any to be found in all this, was that there was only the one occasion in Hungary where they had been apart. The other times were bad enough but Mark was actually reassured to think that in each of the other pictures he had been with Seb. It helped him feel that he had been keeping him safe, that Heikki would have been put off getting any closer. Maybe he had been planning something more in his deranged and drunken head, but Mark was sure he would have stopped him just so long as he was there. Thank god he had been there and thank god Lewis had shown up when he had in Budapest.

As time passed Mark wondered how long it had been. He managed to angle his head to check his watch and noticed the mugs which reminded him how little Seb consumed when he was upset.

“Sweetheart if I make some lunch do you think you could try a bit of it?” he asked.

Seb lifted a heavy head from Mark's shoulder.

“I'll try.”

“Good. What will you have?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“Pasta?” tried Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

“Alright. Do you want to stay out here or come in?”

Seb raised a hand to rub at his face. It felt peaceful out here, but he didn't like the idea of being parted from Mark.

“I'll come in.”

“Okay.”

  
  


Mark gave him a hand to get up and they went in, trailed by the dogs. Mark was about to suggest he take a seat at the kitchen table when Seb said he needed to go and wash his face. Mark nodded and set about making a simple lunch, though he had had to restrain himself from saying he ought to go with him. Even as the water boiled to cook the pasta Mark was listening over it for any sudden noise from upstairs. He dreaded a thud of Seb collapsing on the bathroom floor and as he put the pasta in the pan and set it cooking on the stove Mark decided Seb had been too long and switched the hob off to go and check on him.

As he got to the bathroom door Mark could hear nothing inside so he tapped on the set-to door.

“Sweetheart?”

 

No reply came from within so Mark cautiously pushed the door open, unable to stop his mind from racing with fears, only to see the room was empty. He crossed the corridor to enter their bedroom where he found Seb lying down on the bed. Mark sighed and sat down beside him.

“Darling are you alright?”

Sebastian looked up at him from where he lay on his side, but he didn't raise up.

“Sorry, I just needed a minute,” he apologised.

“Take all the minutes you want.”

“I wish I knew what was wrong with me.”

“There's nothing wrong with you,” assured Mark. “You're just upset and shaken up. That's completely understandable sweetheart. It'd be weird if you weren't.”

“I can't make sense of it.”

Mark stroked a hand over Seb's hair.

“Why don't you just have a rest for a while. You might feel better if you can eat something later.”

“I feel like the lorry hit me.”

Mark looked at him.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Sebastian took in a breath.

“Liebling are we still going on holiday tomorrow?”

Mark puffed, thinking Seb still didn't look much up to doing anything.

“I don't know sweetheart, I think that might be up to you. Do you want to go?”

“Yeah.”

“You do?”

Seb nodded his head against the pillow. He tried to push himself up but Mark shook his head.

“Just have a rest. Maybe getting away wouldn't be such a bad idea? A change of scene, a bit of sunshine?” Mark mused.

“Yeah I think so,” agreed Seb.

“Okay.”

“We ought to call our families,” pointed out Seb. “We haven't told them yet.”

“Don't worry about that now.”

“We should tell them though and we ought to tell Alex to get that report to send to Rachel.”

 

Mark didn't like that worries seemed to piling in on Seb.

“Sweetheart we'll get all that sorted. I can call Alex and we can talk to our families later on.”

“I just wish I could get my head straight. It's like I don't even know _how_ to think, never mind _what_ to think,” complained Seb.

Mark frowned and reached to take his hand.

“Would it help to talk to Henry?”

“Henry?”

“Dr Menton.”

“Yeah I know, but Mark I can't. If the adoption people found out.”

“But if it helps?”

“I can't start going back to therapy. You know how that would look.”

“Sweetheart.”

“If I start going to sessions again they'll know I'm still messed up.”

“You're not messed up.”

 

Sebastian coughed a dry little laugh. He currently felt barely able to sit up. His brain felt completely fried. It was if he'd suffered a short-circuit and whenever he tried to think now all he got was error messages. He felt pretty damn messed-up.

“Darling you're upset because you've had a horrible shock. That's not the same. If Henry could help you untangle things a bit why would that be wrong?”

“Because they'd see it that way. All they'd see was me back in therapy needing a psychiatrist. I had to prove I didn't need him any more.”

Mark sighed and thought about that.

“What if you didn't go to see him?”

“Hmm?” frowned Seb.

“What if you didn't actually go to a session, you just talked to him?”

“Talked to him?”

“Over the phone. Then you don't have to say you've been to see him. He could just help you out a bit.”

“I'm not sure. I don't think he does that.”

“Well what if I rang and asked? Worst he can do is say no. I can't imagine Henry would tell the agency.”

“No I suppose.”

“So shall I ring him?”

Sebastian squished his face.

“I don't know.”

“Do you want to do it?”

Sebastian said nothing and Mark guessed that meant no.

“Look what if I call him and just explain the situation, see what he says?”

“I guess.”

“Right. I'll do that then,” decided Mark. “I'll just give him a ring and see. I can call Alex and get that sorted and then if you're feeling a bit better we can call our folks later.”

“I suppose,” Seb agreed, thinking it would be better to feel they had actually done something rather than just allowing himself to feel trampled like this.

“I'll just make some calls then. You don't need to worry.”

Mark leaned in to kiss Sebastian's forehead, then got up and went back downstairs to do as he'd said he would. At least taking action would help him feel better. He just hoped that same would be true for Seb.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


An hour later Sebastian sat on the sofa in the lounge. He did feel a fraction better for eating some pasta as promised and now he rested with his feet curled up, leaning into Mark. His phone was placed on the coffee table in front of them awaiting Henry calling him when he had some free time as he had assured Mark he would. They had the Olympics coverage playing out on the television and were trying to distract themselves by pretending to watch it, but as Seb's phone rang Mark grabbed the remote and pressed mute.

“Shall I leave you to it?” he checked.

Seb shook his head and picked up his phone, taking a deep breath before accepting the call.

“Hello Seb.”

“Um, hi Henry, thank you for calling me.”

“That's okay. I'd like to say it's nice to speak to you, but obviously under the circumstances...”

“Yeah.”

“Mark explained what has happened Seb so we don't need to go over the details unless you want to,” offered Dr Menton.

“Okay.”

“Is he there?”

“Yeah.”

“Are we on speaker?”

“No he's just here.”

Seb knew it might seem illogical to have a half private conversation, but though it felt reassuring to have Mark there, he needed to hear Henry's words for himself first.

“Okay.”

At the other end of the line Dr Menton was struck by how quiet Sebastian sounded. It took him back unpleasantly to bad times he had been through before.

“Henry, Mark did say didn't he? I mean I really appreciate you calling, but in terms of... I mean...”

“This is just a chat, alright Seb. That's fine. I understand. Mark explained your concerns. I just want to help if I can,” assured the psychiatrist.

“Okay, thanks.”

 

The doctor nodded despite the fact Sebastian couldn't see him. The habit was ingrained. As was the fact that he felt the need to help Seb. Henry wondered what another analyst would make of that. Perhaps he had become attached to his patient over the years, but he really did just want Seb to be okay. He'd broken the rules for Seb before, what difference did one more occasion make?

“Seb we can just have a chat about whatever you want to. Mark told me what's happened and it is entirely natural to feel upset and deeply unsettled by this turn of events.”

“I guess. I just feel... I don't know. I think the problem is I don't know _how_ to feel,” Seb explained. He glanced to Mark beside him, but Mark knew all of this, so it didn't matter if he heard it? “Earlier I just couldn't stop crying and I don't even know why.”

“It's a reaction Seb. An emotional reaction to an emotional event.”

“But shouldn't I be at least relieved he's gone? Everything he did to me...”

Seb's voice quavered and Mark reached to rub his knee.

“Seb, Mark said that the doctor saw you and diagnosed shock. It sounds to me as though you're still suffering from it. You put yourself through quite an ordeal yesterday by agreeing to identify his body. That would be traumatic for anyone, but given your past that must have been extremely difficult.”

“Yeah.”

“But brave too Seb. Brave to confront that.”

“I had to know he was really dead. Does that make me sound crazy?”

“No of course not.”

“It's just there's been so many lies, so many times I thought I was free and it turned out I wasn't. Did Mark explain about the false passport?”

“Yes, so I can see why that caused you to question what you could believe. All this quite naturally undermines your sense of what can be trusted. You were presented with comforting facts which turned out to be nothing of the kind. It's no wonder that caused you to question all kinds of things.”

“I thought it would help, you know to actually see the truth of it, to see his body and know he was dead, but I'm not sure it didn't make things worse. It was so awful.”

“Well there was no way it was ever going to be a pleasant experience Seb. I think perhaps you are asking too much of yourself just now. This was yesterday afternoon, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“So that's twenty-four hours. That's not much time to let things settle. I think perhaps in the long-run it will help.”

“Do you?”

“If what you needed was to be certain he is dead, then you can have no doubts now surely?”

“Yeah I guess.” Seb puffed a breath. “It's just... I don't know if I thought it would make me feel better. I just knew I had to do it.”

“That was your instinct and you followed it.”

“I was so scared though. I thought... I mean it's stupid, but for a moment it really felt as thought he would still leap up and grab me.”

“Seb that's not stupid. Heikki posed a very real threat to you for a long time. It must have been extremely frightening to be so close to him.”

“Even if he's dead?”

“Yes. All that history doesn't go away. Even if you weren't consciously thinking back, it touches a raw nerve.”

“My heart was pounding and I really... I mean it was getting on top of me. I had to go outside and I threw up.”

“You have physical reactions to emotional triggers Seb, that's not new.”

“I'm meant to be better though.”

 

Dr Menton sighed.

“Seb this isn't a normal situation. You can't hold yourself to the same standards when something as extreme as this happens. Try to stop judging yourself and just talk me through things. You didn't actually have a panic attack did you?”

“I don't know. Not full-on I guess.”

“Because you allowed yourself to react rather than suppressing it.”

“I might have done the day before. I pretty much closed down altogether.”

“Which was shock Seb. You'd received shocking news out of the blue about someone whom you already have deeply affecting emotional history with. What would be psychologically _ab_ normal would be to hear that news and shrug your shoulders as if it were nothing. All this is bound to have stirred up distressing memories and associations. How do you feel now?”

“I just... I don't know. I feel kind of numb.”

“Okay, well that's a valid reaction. It's a lot to take in.”

“I keep veering between that and reacting too much.”

“No Seb, not 'too much'. I wouldn't put it in those terms. Perhaps you are going between extremes, but neither are something to judge. I would suggest that your mind is trying to settle itself, but you're not there yet. Do you feel that you have accepted the fact that Heikki really is dead?”

“I guess. I mean yes, I do know that.”

“And if you hadn't put yourself through seeing the body for yourself yesterday, do you think you would?”

“I'm not sure. I know logically I should have taken people's word for it.”

“Forget that. What do you think?”

“I guess I'd still be questioning it.”

“Okay, so you made a tough decision to give yourself the confirmation you needed. You got through it.”

“Just about.”

“No Seb you got through it. As indeed you always do, but there is an emotional cost to putting yourself through such an experience and I would suggest that is what you are feeling now. You said you were crying a lot earlier.”

“I couldn't stop.”

“But you let yourself?”

“I guess.”

“Was Mark there?”

“Of course.”

 

Henry smiled to himself. _Of course._ How could any other answer have been possible?

“And he makes no judgement of it?” he checked, already anticipating the reply.

“Of course not, he's just there for me like he always is.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who guessed what he was talking about. He gave Seb a little nod and Seb looked into his eyes, trying to say thank you.

“It's not that I feel sorry for him.”

“Who? Heikki?” checked Dr Menton.

“Yeah.”

“No well I wouldn't expect you to.”

“It is kind of sad he has no next of kin though. Do you think that's why he was the way he was?”

Henry huffed a breath.

“Asking for Heikki's motivation is difficult Seb. I didn't know him. I only know what you have told me.”

“But... I mean I know he was messed up, but to keep on like this, to go to such lengths. I don't understand why he couldn't leave me alone.”

“And that's one of the things you are struggling with?”

“Yeah.”

Dr Menton nodded.

“Well I don't think anything has changed since we have spoken in the past Seb. It was always about him seeking power he lacked. In his mind he saw you had more success and happiness in life and felt compelled to try to take it from you in whatever way he could to try to compensate for his own short-comings. Looking for logic in what I suspect was a deeply disturbed mind is unlikely to help you. It wasn't logical and the more time went on, the less logic was applied. As you moved on in your life and achieved ever more happiness, his life went the other way. My presumption is that this pushed him to more extreme actions, even if they were never likely to give him what they wanted.”

“What did he want though? Just to hurt me?”

“Perhaps. Perhaps he became locked into a cycle of behaviour that he couldn't stop. It was far more destructive to him than it was to you, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.”

 

“Do you think he wanted some form of revenge?” wondered Seb. “I know he blamed me for him losing his job.”

“It's possible. To be honest though Seb this was a continuation of previous patterns, so I'm not sure we can imply any different motivation.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“Okay.”

“Does that help?” enquired Dr Menton. “I'm afraid I don't think I really have any new insights. From the sounds of it Heikki behaved as he had before, only more so. Mark mentioned that he had been drinking, but that isn't new either is it?”

“No,” replied Seb thinking of the times Heikki had come to him stinking of alcohol. If it had been possible to make those situations worse it would have.

“I know the end result was a shock and learning that he had gone to such extremes, but the fact he had reverted to stalking you. Do you really feel that is a surprise?”

Seb took a deep breath.

“No I suppose not. Did Mark tell you about the restraining order?”

“That you dropped it?” checked Henry. “Yes. I appreciate that cannot help how you feel about what happened.”

“I dunno. I mean we'd only just dropped it. I don't even know if he would have found out yet.”

“I see. It was very recent then?”

“Yeah I mean within weeks. I think the paperwork had only just about been filed.”

“Ah, well then you may be right, it's possible he didn't know, but then the re-offending has been going on for months yes?”

“Yes.”

“So we cannot correlate the two.”

“No I get that. I didn't think dropping the order was really part of it.”

“It's just an unpleasant coincidence by the sounds of things Seb. Though I'm sure it doesn't help to know it was going on longer.”

“Yeah. In a way it's just the same as before. I thought I was imagining things then too.”

“Perhaps you should trust your instincts more?”

“It's just we had those reports that said he was in Finland, so I didn't believe it could be him.”

“And then you find out that isn't true, so that is also upsetting because it overturns something that was reassuring to you.”

“Yeah, but...”

“But?”

“I don't know. I don't think that was why I was crying.”

“Why do you think that is then?”

“I don't know, maybe... Maybe more all of it?”

 

Henry paused as he thought about that.

“Seb, if I say something, I need you not to take it the wrong way.”

Sebastian frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“You said you were crying uncontrollably, but not for him?”

“No.”

“And I don't think even for what had just happened, though it is tied into that. What I would suggest is that from what you have described, the extremity of your emotions: veering from bouts of crying to feeling numb and tired, not knowing how to feel, then feeling what you consider too much and then not enough. To me that sounds like a grieving process.”

“Grieving?”

“Not for Heikki. I'm afraid he long ago forfeited anything like that. No, what I think is occurring is that you are grieving for yourself. For what you have been through, for all he cost you, all he took from you. All those lost years when you suffered at his hands and weren't the person you should have been. To grieve for that is in a way to begin letting go of it,” explained Dr. Menton. “Of accepting that you cannot get those years back. He took them from you and you can never ask him why. It is also a way of acknowledging that once you accept that you can move on and truly leave that in the past. Now he is dead you can close that door behind you.”

“Forever?”

“Well you can't undo what happened. It is a part of you. It has made you the person that you are now for good or ill. There's no undoing that and to suggest that you can ever forget it is unrealistic, but you have often spoken of wanting to be free and now you have a chance of that.”

“A chance?”

“You still have to take it Seb. You still have to decide to put it into the past where it belongs. I'm not saying overnight. I'm not saying being upset by all this is a weakness. You have to go through a process and allow that to happen without expecting yourself to be fine straight away, but once you are ready to accept things, then you will be better for it.”

 

Seb took in a shaky breath, then pushed it out.

“Like I say Seb, I'm not saying you should expect to just 'get over it',” emphasised Dr. Menton. “This naturally will bring very distressing memories to the fore and that is bound to be upsetting. Repressing emotion only makes things worse, so my advice would be to just let things flow. Feel what you feel or don't feel. Do what you want to, or don't do anything. Talk or don't, but follow your instincts. You're better at this than you realise and Mark will support you won't he?”

“Of course he will.”

“There we go then. You're in your summer break aren't you?”

“Yeah. I guess that's something.”

“It is. It should mean that you don't have to present a front in the way that you often do during racing weekends, am I right?”

“Yeah. We're meant to be on holiday.”

“You mean away?”

“Yeah. We were due to leave on Thursday. Our bags are still in the hall.”

“Oh I see.”

“We delayed things until tomorrow.”

“Okay, so are you still going?”

“Yeah I think so.”

“Do you want to go?”

 

Sebastian was looking at Mark, thinking how unfair it was that Mark was losing out on his holiday because of him.

“Yeah. The doc said I should stay home, but that was on Thursday.”

“Do you feel better than on Thursday?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Not really. I don't know, maybe a bit. I feel a bit better for talking to you.”

“Good. Thank you. Okay, so what are your plans for your holiday?”

“We're just going somewhere hot and sunny.”

“Somewhere private?”

“Yeah, just a chalet, well a lot posher than that really, on the beach, with a pool though.”

“It's own pool?”

“Yeah.”

“Sounds nice. Are you getting public flights or using your plane?”

“It's not really ours, but yeah the private plane.”

“So you won't need to be in public much?”

“No.”

“How do you feel about that? Would it be nice to be away or would you rather be home?”

 

Sebastian thought about it. Home was nice, but to leave things behind now might be good.

“I guess it might help to make a break. Do you think that would be a good idea?”

“It's you that matters Seb. What do you think?”

“I think yeah.”

“There we are then.”

“We'd be going tomorrow.”

“Is that too soon?”

“No just... we'd need to speak to our families first. We haven't told them about what's happened yet.”

“Ah.”

Sebastian sighed heavily.

“So many bloody times we've had to do this. I hate it.”

“Calling your family.”

“Well not just generally, but with bad news.”

“Seb I know it is tied up with the distressing revelation that Heikki was stalking you again, but it might be worth considering that to your family, hearing that he is dead might not be considered bad news.”

 

Seb thought about that. Their parents would probably want to throw a parade to know Heikki was dead. He couldn't feel that way himself, but to them it was a far more clear-cut matter.

“I guess so.”

“Just in terms of making that call. I would suggest going in knowing that might make things marginally easier for you.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“It's good that you want to talk to them Seb.”

“Mm well I'm not sure I really want to, but I owe it to them to tell them the truth, or at least what's happened.”

“You've never told your family all that happened with Heikki have you?”

“No.”

“Does this change that?” wondered Henry.

Seb shook his head. It changed nothing. It wasn't about Heikki. It was about him.

“No I can't do that. I did think maybe one day my brother, maybe when he's older, I'm not sure, but not my parents, that's never going to change.”

“Okay, well that's your decision. It is good that you are much closer these days though. I'm sure all they will care about is that you're okay.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay.”

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?” checked Dr Menton.

“No.”

“Alright well I hope this has helped.”

“Yeah it has. Thank you.”

“Good. Seb if you need to call me, you can. I know you are concerned about the adoption agency, but speaking to a therapist isn't something to be ashamed of.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I just don't think they'd see it that way.”

“Alright well you know you can trust me don't you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you need have no concerns on that score. As Mark helpfully put it, if they should ask if you have seen your psychiatrist you can truthfully say no.”

“Thanks Henry. I do really appreciate it.”

“That's alright. I'm glad to help in any way I can.”

“Do you think I'll be okay?”

Henry shook his head at the question.

“Seb you will get through this as you always do. Give yourself the time that you need. Let Mark help and don't judge yourself for whatever you feel. I have every faith that you will come out the other side of this far better and you can enter a new phase of your life.”

“Do you think the shadow will be gone?”

 

Dr Menton thought about that analogy. He was sure he remembered Seb using it before.

“I think like a shadow, your past is attached to you, but it can lessen and fade and you can choose not to look at it.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I hope you can enjoy your holiday, or at least appreciate the chance to relax and get away,” offered Henry.

“Thanks. Okay I guess I should let you go. I really appreciate you finding the time for me.”

“Not a problem Seb. Like I say, you can always call. I am never going to tell anyone about anything that is between us unless as a direct request from yourself. That's how it works.”

“Thank you Henry.”

“Okay, well I'll let you go then. Say hello to Mark for me.”

“I will do.”

“And tell him I appreciate his suggestion to call. He clearly cares a great deal for you.”

“Yeah I know. Thanks then.”

“Bye Seb.”

“Bye.”

 

Seb hung up and dropped the phone into his lap with a sigh.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded then leaned into him. Mark put his arms around him to give him a hug.

“I'll tell you in a minute. I just...”

Seb let out another sigh and closed his eyes.

“You don't need to tell me,” allowed Mark.

“I do.”

“Okay, only if it helps.”

Seb nodded against him and Mark nodded back.

“Alright then darling, when you're ready.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and just let Henry's words soak in for a bit before he could discuss it with Mark. If he could get Mark to understand maybe he would himself? Henry was right though; no rushing things. He could go at his own pace. Seb knew Mark said the same, but it felt as though he had official permission now to take his time, to not be okay for a while and to know that he would be eventually.

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Another twenty-four hours later they sat in a similar position, but now they were on their private plane. Sebastian had his eyes closed, but he wasn't asleep. He was thinking about the phone-call they had made to their families the night before. It had been as torturous as expected in a way. They had been shocked and appalled to learn that Heikki had found a way to stalk him again, but expressed solely relief that he was dead. Seb thought his father-in-law had only been half joking when he said the lorry driver deserved a medal. His mother-in-law had been rather more sympathetic, asking how Sebastian was doing more than once.

Mark had done much of the talking on that call, but Seb had felt compelled to reassure them that he was at least doing better and would be glad to get away. That wasn't untrue. Seb couldn't pretend to be fine though. When they had spoken to his own family his little brother had sounded more than a little indignant to be justified in his suspicions that his father had dismissed, but when Sebastian had told them he had been persuaded by the police to identify Heikki's body, Fabian had gone quiet.

Seb had tried to explain why he had agreed to it, but his mother seemed convinced he had been bullied into it and Seb had ended up back in the old position of trying to sound better than he was. That in itself was tiring, though Sebastian didn't know any other way to be. He'd finally got around to replying to the text his boss had sent as well and Seb had felt the need to reassure him too, apologising for the other day and telling Christian he was doing okay and would be better once they were on holiday. He hoped that was true.

He let out a long sigh and Mark rubbed over his arm.

“Alright darling?” Mark checked.

Sebastian opened his eyes and lifted up to look at him.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Kindof,” relented Seb. “I think I'll feel better just to lie in the sun for a week.”

Mark smiled softly and nodded.

“Yeah I'm looking forward to that too.”

“I'm sorry you've missed the first part of it Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“Not your fault darling. It's only a couple of days off anyway, still plenty of time. We'll just take it easy. No need to do anything. Just be you and me.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian let out a long breath and leaned back into him. Mark stroked over his arm.

“No stresses,” emphasised Mark. “We'll just take our time.”

“Thank you. I love you.”

Mark gave him a smile and ducked in to give Seb a kiss.

“Love you too sweetheart. We're going to get to the other side.”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them were talking about the ocean they currently flew over.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My god, if anyone ever needed a holiday.
> 
> .
> 
> BTW, I know I'm posting pretty fast at the moment, but I'm making the most of some time off, so I hope folk still have time to read them and keep up!


	161. Packing and Unpacking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally they are off on a much needed holiday.

* * *

 

 

  
  


They settled into their chalet, shown around by one of their hosts. It felt a little strange to Seb to be somewhere so bright and sunny when he still didn't feel that way inside. The place certainly was nice though: The chalet was a little bigger than the 'hut' they had stayed in for their holiday the previous year. They had their own covered terrace to the side of the low building that was really more of a bungalow with everything on one level.

There were spacious airy rooms with plenty of windows and wide shuttered doorways painted pale blue in contrast to the white walls leading outside. Beyond the terrace was their own private pool which really was an indulgence seeing as only a few feet beyond it lay the beach which the chalet fronted onto with the azure sea lapping at the edge where they were equally able to swim, but Seb was glad of the pool. Even standing by it he felt calmed by the still surface and as the woman showing them round continued explaining arrangements for having meals and any other supplies brought over, Sebastian ducked down by the edge of the pool and trailed his fingers in the warm water.

“Nice?” checked Mark.

Sebastian stood up and smiled at them.

“Lovely.”

“Maybe we can have a dip once we've unpacked?”

“Yeah that'd be nice.”

“There are extra towels in the cupboards outside the bathroom,” explained the host, “and the cleaner will replace them daily.”

“Thanks, it all sounds great,” offered Mark.

“Well, as I mentioned, there's the file by the phone in the hallway and if you have any queries just press one to get reception and we should be able to satisfy anything you require.”  
  


Mark nodded, thinking that was a rather broad claim, but this resort was no doubt used to demanding clientèle given the prices they charged. He didn't care about money though. He cared that they had privacy and all they wanted so they could attempt to recharge their severely depleted batteries.

“I think we're good aren't we darling?”

Sebastian looked back from where he had been gazing into the distance.

“Hm? Yes thank you. It all seems very nice.”

The woman nodded and checked her watch.

“Have you had lunch? Would you like me to ask for something to be sent over?”

“Oh um.”

Seb looked to Mark who shrugged. The time difference meant it felt more like late afternoon than lunchtime.

“I think we're good for now,” stated Mark.

“Well the kitchen is well-supplied so you can always make yourself something.”

“Great, thanks. I think for now all I need is some water.”

“Plenty of bottles in the fridge and an extra crate in the cupboard to the side.”

“Sure.”

“I think I need to dig out the sunscreen,” noted Sebastian, already feeling the heat on his exposed skin.

“Very good,” agreed the woman leading them back inside. “Well if there's nothing else I can do for you I'll leave you to settle in.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thank you,” echoed Seb.

  
  


She let herself out and once they were left alone Mark grabbed out a couple of cold bottles of water from the fridge door and passed one to Seb.

“Alright then sweetheart?”

“Yeah. Shall we sit on the terrace for a bit?”

“Sure.”

They went out through the wide double doors from the lounge area onto the terrace, where there was a wooden dining table and chairs as well as several loungers, shaded from the hot sun by the overhanging roof. To the left there were a couple of steps leading down to the beach and as they sat down on the loungers Mark looked out in that direction.

“Not got far to go for anything have we?”

“No, it's good.”

“We'll just chill out.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath, then sipped his water before reaching to take Mark's hand where he sat in the next chair.

“I'm sorry if I'm not going to be much fun Liebling.”

Mark looked at him.

“Sweetheart we're just here to relax and get away from things. As long as I've got you and a nice bit of sunshine I'm happy.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Seb surveyed his surroundings once more. It really was beautiful here. Nobody was overlooking their spot, so they could feel as though it was just them. As they'd walked through the resort they'd passed the main hotel and a number of other chalets, but the ones along the beach were the most exclusive. With any luck they wouldn't need to see anyone else at all. He rested his head back on the lounger cushion and closed his eyes. It was cooler in the shade here. It was nice. No need to rush unpacking or taking a swim. No need to rush anything. They were on holiday at last.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Over the next couple of days they got up when they liked, then swam in the pool, doing a decent number of laps to feel as though they had earned their breakfast which somehow appeared on the table in the terrace delivered by staff who drew such little attention to their work that Mark joked they must be ninjas in their spare time. After a relaxed breakfast they decamped to the beach, laying out towels, extra water and sunscreen in their chosen spot a little way in from the water's edge. They took the occasional dip into the sea to cool off, but mostly they lay there soaking up the sun.

Later on Wednesday morning they lay stretched out on their towels, the heat from above drying their skin from their latest foray into the ocean. Mark held one of the books he had borrowed from Sebastian and made a vague effort to read. Seb lay into his chest, his eyes closed beneath sunglasses. Mark could feel the slow rhythm of his breathing and hoped that meant he was relaxed and happy. Though Seb wasn't talking Mark didn't think he was asleep, just quiet. Despite Seb's assurances that he was doing okay, he remained withdrawn and Mark knew his mind was still unsettled. It was hard not to press, but Mark had promised Sebastian he could take as much time as he needed and he had to stick to it.

  
  


After lunch they sat on the loungers on the shady terrace once more, the high sun too much even for Mark at this point in the day. Mark was half reading his book again, but he paused and looked to Seb beside him.

“Okay sweetheart?”

“Yeah I'm just a bit tired.”

Mark could comment that they'd hardly done anything all day, but he knew Seb lay awake too much at night. There'd been no repeat of the nightmares which Mark had anticipated, instead Sebastian's reaction at night matched his actions in the day: he was still and quiet, gone within himself. There was no point interrogating him. As far as Mark knew, the best thing was to just let him get on with it and just be there for him.

“Why don't you have a nap then?” proposed Mark.

“Yeah I might just close my eyes for a bit.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian did just that and soon dropped off. Mark could tell the difference between resting and out. He watched Seb's chest rising slowly up and down and knew he'd gone. Wherever he was going, Seb clearly wasn't ready to take Mark there with him yet.

  
  


A good many hours passed before Sebastian opened his eyes and removed his sunglasses to rub at his face. He looked over to see that Mark had put his book down.

“Hey.”

“Hey sweetheart.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and sat up more to take a deep slug of water from the bottle on the floor beside him. It had warmed up from being left sitting there for much of the afternoon, but it didn't matter.

“I think I might just find a snack,” suggested Seb.

“Oh?”

Mark sat up with him. Seb had at least been eating while they were here, though perhaps not with any great enthusiasm.

“Good idea. I'm a bit peckish too,” he encouraged.

  
  


After getting something to eat from the kitchen they sat at the table outside, angled so they could look out at both the pool and the sea beyond.

“Blue on blue on blue,” observed Mark.

Seb looked out.

“Yeah. It's very restful.”

“Good. Just what we need.”

  
  


When they finished eating they took their empty plates inside and put them into the little dishwasher in the open-plan kitchen/dining area. As Mark fetched them fresh bottles of water from the fridge Seb smiled and put it down to wrap his arms around Mark's neck. He pushed up on his toes and pressed his cheek into Mark's.

“Thank you.”

Mark gave him a gentle squeeze, then moved his head to see him.

“For the water?”

A smile spread over Seb's face and he shook his head.

“No. Well, yes actually of course, but no, I meant generally, just thank you for being so understanding Liebling.”

“I'm not sure I'm doing much,” noted Mark.

“Yes you are. You're being my rock. That's what I need right now.”

“Whatever you need darling.”

  
  


Seb nodded. Swimming, eating, resting and sleeping. That was about the limit he felt capable of. What he mostly needed was peace. His mind wasn't peaceful yet, but if it was going to get that way then he needed peace to surround it.

“What time is it?” enquired Sebastian.

“Hm? Oh...”

Mark glanced around. They were deliberately not wearing watches while they were away, not for any reason of wanting to avoid tan-lines, but because it felt a good way to leave the stress and schedules of work behind them. He spotted the unused microwave in the corner and read the panel.

“Six o'clock.”

“Already? Wow, I didn't realise I'd dozed so long,” admitted Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“Hardly matters. Not like we had any plans is it?”

“You don't mind?”

“Course not. I told you darling, I'm perfectly happy as we are.”

“'kay. Maybe we could have another swim in a bit.”

“Sure. In the sea or the pool?”

“Mm, the pool unless you're fussed.”

“I am entirely unfussed,” assured Mark. “We'll just let our snack settle then.”

“I probably won't be hungry for dinner for a bit.”

“Doesn't matter. They said we can call through any time.”

“Yeah.” Seb gave him a smile. “Do you think the chef has a camp-bed in the kitchens?”

“I wouldn't be surprised.”

“Poor guy. I was thinking more like nine o'clock.”

“I'm sure that's quite reasonable. Right, let's take these out and give it half an hour,” proposed Mark.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A while later they were in the pool. Seb had swum a few laps, but now he merely floated in the water. He'd retrieved his sunglasses from the side and wore them as he lay back looking up at the cloudless blue sky. It was cooler now, though still far warmer than back home of course. The water was as warm as the air and it helped him to feel balanced as he floated, literally as well as metaphorically. His brain was turning things over again but the calm atmosphere worked to stop it piling in too much and over-running him.

Mark swam alongside and Seb looked at him.

“Imagine if our pool was outside?”

Mark put his feet down onto the tiled floor and shook his head.

“We'd get to use it for about two months of the year max.”

“Mm, there is that.”

“Fancy taking a dip outside in January?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and dropped his lower body down into the water to stand with him.

“Good point. We could have an ice-rink instead?”

“Ah there we go, ever practical.”

Sebastian smiled and gave him a quick kiss.

“Think I'm going to get out and dry off.”

“Sure.”

  
  


Seb could have said Mark didn't need to do the same, but they just stuck together. They had placed towels on the additional poolside loungers at the side and now they stretched out on them, lying in the fading heat from the sun above. It always felt nice to air-dry like this without feel as though they were burning as Seb certainly would have earlier in the day.

Mark noticed that Sebastian had slipped back into himself again. Behind the sunglasses he was blankly gazing into the distance once more. Mark considered going to fetch his book from the loungers over on the terrace but Seb caught him appraising him.

“Sorry. I know I'm being a bit...”

“It's fine.” Mark paused. “Do you want to talk?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath.

“I dunno. I'm still trying to make sense of things.”

“Okay. Just if I can help, or even just to get things out a bit?”

“Yeah. I think... I mean I do feel a bit better.”

“Good.”

“I was thinking. I mean somehow it's always been in the background, you know? Worrying that he'd show up and cause trouble again.”

“Mm.” _Which he did,_ thought Mark, but he didn't highlight it. “Okay, so is that feeling lifted?”

“Yeah I think so,” agreed Seb. “It's just letting it sink in, you know?”

“Sure.”

“My brain's so used to thinking one way it's hard to change.”

Mark nodded.

“Well as long as you're getting there.”

“Yeah. I just... For so long Liebling I've either shut it out or thought I was paranoid for considering it.”

“Well you weren't paranoid darling.”

“No. Cos he was doing it.”

Mark reached to take Seb's hand.

“But not any more. He can't can he?”

“No. I just need that knowledge to settle.”

“Okay well that's fair enough, but it will.”

“Yeah.” Seb pushed out a breath. “I was thinking about how I had that horrible image in my head of him showing up when I was alone with the baby and I'm just...” Sebastian's voice suddenly shook. “I'm just so grateful to know he can't do that. To know he can't hurt our baby.”

 

Mark sighed and sat up to reach over so he could pull Seb's upper body into his arms.

“No he can't,” he confirmed solidly. “So you don't need to worry about that ever again darling.”

Sebastian took a settling breath and lifted away a little to look at him.

“We don't even have a baby.”

“No but that's not the point. The point is he's not a threat anymore. He's gone, okay? He's gone.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. Is it wrong to be grateful?”

“No course not.”

“But grateful that's he's dead. That's not a good way to think.”

Mark sat back a fraction.

“I'm sorry sweetheart but I am. You're just too nice.”

“Mm, I dunno. I'd rather not think that way.”

Mark shrugged.

“Well being grateful not to have to worry, there's nothing wrong with that.”

“No,” agreed Seb.

“So then.”  
  


Sebastian nodded.

“That bit, yeah I think that's starting to sink in, but... it's hard to explain. All the other stuff is still there, all the bad stuff.”

“Bad memories you mean?”

“Yeah and the way he made me feel about myself.”

“Sweetheart it was all rubbish. He was just trying to hurt you.”

“I know, but I can't stop thinking about it,” admitted Seb.

“Don't torture yourself,” Mark advised.

Sebastian sighed.

“I can't make it go away. It's all right there at the surface now.”

“Yeah.”

“In a way it's kind of strange, like I'm thinking about another person.”

“Instead of you you mean?”

“Sort of. I look back and in some ways I don't even know that person anymore.”

“Well that's good really darling. You've changed so much. I'm not Henry, but I'd guess that bit of distance is good surely?”

Seb nodded slowly.

“I still remember it happening to me. It's not like I'm watching on.”

“Yeah well...” Mark drifted off, unsure how to say there was no taking away the fact that all those terrible things had happened to Seb.

“It's still horrible,” Sebastian explained.

“Of course it is.”

“But maybe... I don't know, when I used to think back I think I was more frightened because a part of my brain still somehow thought it was possible they could happen again.”

Mark frowned.

“I'd never have let anything happen.”

“No I know Liebling. It's not a logic thing. It was more my subconscious, like it was uneasy because he was always somehow a threat.”

“But now he's not.”

“Yeah.”

“Which is good.”

“Of course.”

 

Mark looked at him and Seb knew he should be sounding more positive.

“I'm sorry Liebling I know I should be happier.”

“No I'm not saying that.”

“I think...” Sebastian furrowed his brow as he spoke. “Henry used to say that when our brains insist on thinking about something you don't want to it's because it needs dealing with.”

“Right, okay well that makes sense.”

“So I was thinking that maybe that's why I can't shut all that stuff off. My brain is going over it and maybe it's trying to repack it better.”

In other circumstances Mark would have made a joke about Seb packing his suitcase and then worrying and repacking it again to be sure it was perfect, but not today.

“Do you think you're repacking your brain so that stuff is stored away better?” he tried.

“Yeah maybe,” agreed Sebastian.

  
  


He took in another deep breath and pulled his sunglasses off now the sun was no longer so bright. Mark copied him and looked into Seb's eyes to see they still looked troubled.

“That's good isn't it darling?” he prompted.

“Yeah, just... it's not nice having to think about that stuff.”

“No.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and felt all those bad memories and feelings pressing insistently at the edge of his mind. His voice went shaky again with emotion.

“I wish I didn't have to.”

“Have to what?” asked Mark.

“Think about it.”

Mark nodded sadly.

“Me too darling. Come here.”

Sebastian leaned in to be hugged again and rested the side of his head down onto Mark's shoulder.

“I fall in a bit too far Liebling,” he confessed.

“Into the bad memories?”

“Yeah.”

Mark sighed and stroked over Seb's arm.

“Do you want to squash on with me?” he asked.

Sebastian lifted his head and nodded, so Mark gave him a hand to shift onto his sun-lounger, moving over as much as possible to allow Seb to slot alongside, Mark's arms around him as Seb leaned into his body.

“You can share them if it helps?” Mark offered.

Seb tipped his head up a little, but he kept his cheek pressed into Mark's chest.

“Just... I go back there and it's not quite the same. I don't feel the fear the same way now, I just feel... sad.”

 

Sebastian's voice sounded so weighed as he said that that Mark wanted to cry on his behalf.

“Oh sweetheart.” He swallowed and squeezed Seb in. “I wish I could help.”

“You are.”

“I wish I could back in time and have done something sooner. If I'd known sweetheart. If I'd had any idea...”

“I know.”

“I want to go back to myself then and shake me for not seeing,” complained Mark.

Seb shook his head against him.

“Mark I didn't want anyone to know. I did everything I could to make sure of it.”

“I still should have seen things were wrong. When I look back I know I missed things.”

“No Liebling, you're not to blame. You _did_ help me. You were the person I told weren't you?”

“I just wish it had been sooner.”

“Well me too, but I think in a strange way even when I didn't properly know you I did at least know that I could trust you. Even when I thought you hated me I knew you'd never do something like tell everyone.”

“Of course not. God. I'd never...”

“I know. I mean back then. I still somehow trusted you. Like an instinct.”

“Yeah, well...”

“I thought things could get no worse. I'd never have believed doing that would actually lead to things getting better,” confessed Seb.

“I'm just glad you did,” confirmed Mark, “and you know I never hated you.”

“I do now, yeah, but Heikki always said you did and back then I believed him.”

“Hmm.”

Sebastian sighed.

“He'd made it so my head was just... like a sponge. Does that make sense?”

“You mean you soaked up what he said?”

“Yeah.”

“He manipulated you darling. He destroyed your self belief, stopped you challenging anything he said.”

“Yeah.”

 

Seb's voice had gone horribly quiet and Mark worried.

“Darling it's the past, it's gone.”

Seb nodded, but he felt teary.

“I couldn't stand up to him at all, not in anything. I didn't know how.”

“Sweetheart.”

“I'd given up. I knew by then it only made things worse. All I could do was keep trying to find ways to get by better.”

“You were trying to protect yourself darling.”

“I didn't...” Seb swallowed. “I didn't try to fight him by then.”

“Seb.”

“I just tried to hide away inside myself and not let him see what it was doing to me.”

Mark looked at him firmly.

“Darling you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did what you had to to survive.”

“It was... like I was trying to manage him, trying not to set him off. My brain was so messed up by the end I thought it was all up to me. If I just didn't provoke him it might not be so bad. If I did everything he said and gave him no reason... but he just _found_ reasons. One time I was home, in Switzerland I mean and, I think it was in the Autumn, we were meant to be going for a training run one morning and I came downstairs not changed and saw he was already there... He said I was late, that it was disrespectful.” Sebastian's eyes filled up. “He changed the time. I know he did, but he said I was wrong and when I said I was sure he'd said a later time...” Seb closed his eyes, trying to shut it out. “I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just apologised.”

Mark shook his head.

“No. Sweetheart he was inventing a reason like you said.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“I wasn't late, I know it.”

“Seb you're never late for anything. He wanted an excuse.”

Sebastian nodded and tried to push the feeling away.

“It was times like that I really started to wonder if I was losing my mind. He was so angry. I'm sure he just came early on purpose, but the way he was... He seemed so convinced that I started to question myself, but there was nothing I could do.”

“No there wasn't,” confirmed Mark.

Seb swallowed and nodded again.

“Those sort of things just got worse and worse and I started to realise that there was no way to manage it. I couldn't just do what he wanted because he'd change the rules and make sure I failed. Even... when I tried not to let him see how much he hurt me, he did it more, he'd keep on until he made me cry and then he'd just be cruel about that too.”

 

Mark dipped his head down to rest into Seb's.

“He was evil and now he's in hell where he belongs,” he asserted.

Sebastian took a few settling breaths to calm himself.

“Do you believe that?” wondered Seb.

“This is one of those times I certainly hope it's true.”

“That Autumn, towards the end, that's when I got desperate.” Seb looked up into Mark's eyes. “I knew there was nothing I could do, nothing that could make it better and no way out. If you hadn't found me, if you hadn't saved me...”

 

Mark closed his eyes tight, thanking god that he had walked into that bathroom in Brazil. He'd had no idea how a life hung in the balance. He held Seb close, taking as much comfort from it as Seb did.

“You saved yourself darling. You left and that was incredibly brave.”

“Only because I knew you'd help me. It was the first time I'd dared hope for anything better. After I'd spoken to you in Brazil and after, it was the first time there was any kind of prospect of something else, some glimmer of light of a door slightly open that I might be able to escape through.”

“You still had to do it. You still took a risk.”

“I had no choice.”

“Yes you did. You took action and you did what you had to. I'm only glad you did. It might sound weird and I don't know, wrong maybe in the circumstances, but you turning up on my doorstep is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Seb frowned at him and Mark lifted his head a little.

“Is it wrong to say that?” Mark checked. “I know it was a horrendous thing for you to have to do.”

“No it's not wrong. It's the best thing I ever did. Not leaving, but coming to you.”

“Yeah.”

Mark rubbed over Sebastian's arm.

“You did it, that's all that matters. Everything before then gets wiped out.”

“I feel like my life started on that day,” asserted Sebastian.

“Well mine too in a way.”

“Really?”

“Yes of course. It might not be the same darling, but it's a dividing line in my life too. It's like everything before then is a pale shadow and afterwards life was in full colour.”

Seb looked up at him and Mark nodded to emphasise his words.

“Full colour.”

“All that stress?” challenged Seb.

“ _Life_. Good and bad. Mostly good.”

“You really think that?”

“Of course I do. I know we've had tough times, but every drop of happiness is worth a hundred times the rest.”

Sebastian pulled his arm around Mark a little tighter.

“Every bit of it darling,” assured Mark, “every bit of life is better and more important since you came into my life and I'm only sorry it didn't start sooner.”

“Me too. I love you so much Liebling.”

“Love you too darling.”

Mark dipped in to kiss Seb's nose and felt more contented as Seb rubbed his cheek into him before settling in to rest in silence for a spell, letting a feeling of peace comfort them.

  
  


  
  


It was only when it started to go dark that Mark gave Seb's arm a rub.

“Do you fancy some dinner?” he asked.

Sebastian lifted up from him and took in a deep breath.

“Yeah.”

“Good. Let's go consult the menu and see what we fancy then.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


They went to bed after spending an evening sat on the terrace eating the really quite excellent food provided. They had talked more than they had the previous two nights, but not on serious matters. Instead they had concentrated on their plans for the barbecue and their families visiting. It felt like a break even on their break, but when they went to bed Sebastian struggled to go to sleep again. Mark offered to talk, but Seb didn't want to, he wanted to sleep, only he couldn't. His brain had slipped back into focussing on the past, replaying bad memories. After years of talking to Henry and Mark, Sebastian could rationalise what had happened, but that didn't take away the pain of remembering. He lay awake in the near darkness watching the large old-fashioned fan in the ceiling slowly rotating until eventually it hypnotised him into sleep.

  
  


  
  


  
  


He woke before dawn, though as Sebastian lifted up in bed slightly he could see through the sheer curtain that the dark wasn't quite as complete. He sat up wondering what time it was and what the time would be in England. Would Pauline be round to walk the dogs yet? Seb knew she must be curious why they delayed their holiday but he hadn't wanted to explain. It had been hard enough with their families. Once they had got that done all Seb had wanted to do was to disappear off on holiday. They could explain when they got back. Hopefully by then he would be able to do so without it upsetting him and worrying Pauline.

Seb was glad to be away, but he missed Shadow and Simba. They had been such a comfort, just reading their mood and sticking close. It would be nice if they were here sat on the floor on vigil once more. Seb wished he could climb out of bed and give them a stroke. He thought they'd enjoy playing on the beach, though perhaps the heat would be too much. They'd probably be thrilled to run in and out of the sea. Maybe they should find a beach in England to take them to some time? It didn't have to be summer. Living where they did in the middle of southern England they were a long way from the seaside, but they could make a trip one day. Sebastian had a vision in his head of him and Mark walking along, throwing sticks into the surf and the dogs sprinting in and out delightedly. That would be nice.

  
  


Beside him Mark felt Sebastian's absence in his sleep and woke up. He blinked blearily and saw Seb sitting up in bed. Mark rubbed at his face and reached to put a hand on Seb's arm.

“You okay sweetheart?”

Sebastian turned to him.

“Don't you think the dogs would enjoy playing on the beach?”

Mark scrunched his face, trying to take in such an apparently random comment when his brain wasn't awake yet.

“Huh?”

“Sorry Liebling. Go back to sleep. It's okay.”

Sebastian sounded far too awake which only woke Mark up more. He pushed his hands either side onto the bed and sat up next to him.

“Can't you sleep?”

Seb shrugged and Mark tried to peer round to see him.

“Seb?”

“My brain's just not being very co-operative at the moment Liebling,” he admitted.

Sebastian looked outside and he could tell the first fringes of light were creeping in.

“I think I might just get some fresh air, see if it clears my head.”

 

Seb swung his legs out of bed and looked for t-shirt and shorts to pull on. As he turned around he could make out Mark doing the same.

“You don't have to come.”

“Course I do.”

Sebastian walked around to Mark's side of the bed.

“I'm just going to walk along the beach a bit, you don't need to worry.”

Mark shook his head.

“Sweetheart I can't not.”

Seb sighed, knowing Mark would be unable to go back to sleep now.

“Sorry.”

“It's fine.” Mark kissed his cheek. “It's fine darling.”

  
  


He took Seb's hand as they walked out of the double doors that led almost directly onto the beach. Dawn was edging the horizon, giving them just enough light to walk along, though there was nothing much on the sand for them to avoid. The only sound was that of the waves washing up and down the beach and they walked on the limit of the dry sand to be close to it. It was peaceful and calming as was Mark's hand in his and as they walked slowly along Seb focussed on that and the nice cool sand beneath his bare feet. Mark hadn't tried to make him talk. Perhaps he was still half-asleep, but Seb was grateful for it.

  
  


They walked for a full twenty minutes along the empty beach before Sebastian broke the silence.

“It really is beautiful.”

He paused to look out at the lightening sky across the ocean which was now shading to a pale mauve.

“Yeah,” concurred Mark, “it is.”

Mark moved in closer to Sebastian, putting his arms around him and placing his chin on his shoulder. They watch the dawn for a few minutes before Mark spoke.

“What were you asking about the dogs?”

“Hm? Oh sorry Liebling I was just thinking they'd like the beach that's all,” explained Seb.

“Ah. Yeah I'm sure. Maybe we should have a day-trip sometime?”

“That's what I was thinking.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, before. That's why I mentioned it. I was thinking they'd like it here, but it's too hot.”

“True. Are you missing them?”

“Yeah.”

“Me too. We'll have to try to find time for that sometime then, take a tennis ball and have a muck about.”

“That'd be nice.”

“Good.”

 

Mark kissed his cheek and Seb retook his hand to turn so they could walk back along the beach.

“I'm sorry I woke you Liebling,” he apologised.

“Don't worry about it. Time difference anyway, body-clocks get confused.”

“Mm.”

Mark looked at him, guessing that wasn't it.

“Were you thinking about things?”

“A bit. I did think about the dogs though, maybe it was a distraction?”

“Right.”

“I'm okay.”

  
  


 

They walked all the way back to in front of their chalet and Mark was about to suggest either going back to bed or getting coffee and sitting on the terrace when Seb plonked himself down on the sand and Mark was half-pulled down with him. It was getting lighter now, so Mark gave him a smile.

“Staying here are we?”

“It's just nice.”

“Sure.”

Mark put his arm around Sebastian and Seb leaned into him, looking out at the horizon again.

“I liked what you said about the dawn,” noted Sebastian.

“Hmm?”

“When you talked about it and you said how like at Le Mans, it feels darkest before and then it comes up and you're almost surprised by how great it is.”

“Ah.”

“You said it better.”

“Well I don't remember exactly, but it's true.”

Seb turned his head to Mark.

“Do you think it can be that way for us?”

“I take it you don't mean literally,” checked Mark.

“Yeah. I just... like when things got to their worst with Heikki but I didn't know I'd escape and you'd rescue me.”

“Darling.”

“No I mean it's good, but sometimes I let things get on top of me and I can almost feel it's impossible to get past.”

“Do you feel that now?”

“A bit. Even yesterday when I was talking about how it was good Heikki couldn't get to me now, I was still talking in terms of us having a baby and then last night I couldn't help thinking how far away that feels. We don't even know if it's going to happen.”

“Well hopefully it will. I asked Alex to give the police report to Rachel. That has to help doesn't it?”

“You don't think they'll say we were lying about him being gone?”

Mark shook his head.

“No. It wasn't our fault. We told them what we did in good faith. They can't blame us for what happened.”

“Hmm.”

“And now he's gone that has to remove a big obstacle surely?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“I'm sure it will. When we get home we can get in touch and try to sort things out. Rachel will understand when we explain.”

“Okay.”

  
  


Mark rubbed over his arm.

“Don't stress about that darling. We'll fix it and then see what we can do to move on.”

“Yeah.”

“Is that what you meant about it feeling darkest before the dawn?” wondered Mark.

“A bit. Lots of things really. I've just felt so low. I guess I'd like something to look forward to.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“We've lots of things to look forward to.”

“I know. I'm just not feeling it right now.”

“Well you will.” Mark nodded out to the now pink sky. “See how beautiful that is darling. You couldn't have predicted that half an hour ago could you?”

“No.”

“So life is often unplanned,” shrugged Mark. “They can be the best bits.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and looked at the skyline.

“You're very philosophical Liebling,” he commented.

“Am I? Hidden depths.”

Seb shook his head, knowing Mark tended to make a joke of things. He wasn't the bluff, tough Aussie he projected to the world.

“You are. You help me think about things more positively. I'm sorry I've not talked to you so much lately.”

“We spoke plenty yesterday.”

“Yeah but... I don't know Liebling. I'd hate you to think I spoke to Henry to get help and not you.”

Mark shook his head.

“Whatever works is good. There's nothing wrong with a bit of professional help. Just know the unprofessional is always here for you.”

Sebastian tsk'd at Mark's little joke.

“You're wonderful Liebling. You know I've always told you more than I've told Henry.”

“It's not a competition.”

“I just want you to know how much I value you.”

“I know that.”

“Okay. I just need to shut down sometimes, but I really value that you let me do that too.”

“Not 'let' sweetheart.”

“No but... well that's sort of the point. You make me feel free. Just to be me and to do whatever I need to, to feel however I need to and just... all of it.”

“That's how it should be.”

“I know. I know that now, but it's because of you. I didn't used to.”

 

Mark looked into Seb's eyes and thought what a sad statement that was.

“I haven't felt this free or happy since I was a little kid,” continued Sebastian. “I haven't felt like I really had a home or a family. I haven't felt this secure. I know things have been rough lately, but even so.”

“Well that's good. We are family.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian gazed out to sea, his mind drifting to darker places. He turned to Mark.

“Liebling can I tell you something?”

“Of course you can. What is it?”

“It's going to sound strange, but it's a good thing, sort of. I mean it is, about you and me.”

“Oh?”

Seb looked at him.

“You're the only person I've ever said no to. I mean that I've been able to say no to.”

Mark leaned forwards, his brow furrowed.

“To say no?”

“To sex. If I didn't want to, or just... like race weekends, or with family around and I feel a bit uncomfortable, or I don't know, whatever reason.”

“Sweetheart of course.”

“It's sort of ironic really. You're the person I least want to say no to and yet...”

“Darling it's the most important thing.” Mark stroked along his arm. “I told you that right from the start.”

“I know. I just was thinking that's all.”

Mark nodded.

“It's how it should be darling.”

“I know, but I didn't used to.”

“Yeah,” sighed Mark.

Seb looked at him.

“I mean you knew that didn't you?” he checked.

“Pretty much.”

“I mean obviously Heikki, but before then. It wasn't always one hundred percent awful, but I had some not very nice experiences.”

“I know darling.”

 

Seb nodded, thinking back to things they had talked about before. Mark did know his history.

“Henry used to say I learnt all the wrong lessons early on. I don't mean racing, though I guess that too in a way. I got used to having to cope and pretend things were okay when they weren't, but when I went out and...”

Mark turned more to face him and took his hand.

“I know darling, it's okay.”

Seb shook his head.

“It wasn't okay. That's what I mean about the wrong lessons. I should have learnt to take better care of myself, but what I really learnt was...” He closed his eyes for a moment trying to remember Henry's advice about remembering without re-experiencing. “I know I drank, but sometimes I'd wake up and I wouldn't even know where I was or what had happened.”

“They took advantage of you sweetheart.”

“Yeah I know that now, but back then I didn't know how to say no. I didn't know how to say no to being given drinks when I was nervous, or going back somewhere, or...” Seb looked at Mark. “I didn't know how to say no to them when I was scared and I didn't want to do something, and sometimes... sometimes I tried and it didn't work.”

 

Mark closed his eyes. Having heard this one way or another before didn't make it any easier to hear again, but if Seb needed to talk about it, he needed to listen.

“Yeah,” he replied quietly, looking back to Seb. “I know darling. It wasn't right.”

“I know, but that's the thing; what I learnt was all the wrong way around, I didn't learn to get out of those situations, I just learned to accept it. I'm not saying always, they weren't all bad guys.”

“But too many of them were.”

“Yeah.” Seb looked down. “I don't know how he knew that.”

“Who?”

“Heikki. Somehow he saw it in me. I think he saw that I wouldn't stand up to him. I don't know how he knew, but he did.”

Mark dipped his head to catch Seb's eye.

“Darling I'm not sure that's true.”

“It is though. How else did he know he could get away with it?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I don't know. He took a risk. He judged you wouldn't be able to say anything.”

  
  


Seb felt an unpleasant rush through his skin and his head sank lower.

“If I'd stood up to him. If I'd just stopped him that first time.”

“Sweetheart no. It wasn't your fault. You know this.”

Sebastian looked up at him.

“But if I'd somehow... if I'd found a way to not let it happen.”

“Seb don't. You tried. You said no. He was bigger than you. He was stronger. He caught you by surprise and he gave you no choice. You didn't 'let it happen'. It _wasn't_ your fault.”

 

Seb scrunched his eyes tight. He'd been told this so many times, discussed it with Mark and Henry, but somehow it still he struggled to accept it. He knew it was him that had _made_ it happen as Heikki had once persuaded him, but it still felt as though he should have done more to stop it. Mark could see he was struggling.

“Sweetheart it was all him. His choice to hurt you, his choice to manipulate you, his choice to go on doing so.”

Sebastian looked up at him.

“Do you think he just got lucky?”

“What do you mean?”

“That I was already pretty messed up inside, that I had such low expectations of how anyone should treat me, and he just took advantage of it?”

“No don't think that way.”

“Wasn't it that way though?”

Mark puffed out air.

“I don't know darling. I think he did everything he could to make things the way he wanted. None of that is down to you.”

 

Seb closed his eyes again and took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly and looking at Mark.

“I did try to stop him.”

Mark nodded.

“I know.”

“But I couldn't.”

“I know.”

Seb felt a flush of heat in his chest.

“I couldn't stop him.”

Mark squeezed his hand.

“No darling you couldn't. It wasn't your fault. All you could do was survive.”

Sebastian nodded and felt the heat dissipating through him.

 

“You survived because you are strong in a different way. Your strength is a far more important kind,” asserted Mark.

Sebastian squeezed his eyes tightly closed and then opened them again to look at Mark.

“Everything he did to me. All the times he hurt me... It was the things he did to my head that was worst; the fear he made me live with; the...” Seb swallowed before forcing the words out, “the shame he made me feel. That was how he controlled me and why I couldn't stop it.”

“No, you couldn't,” agreed Mark softly. “That's why it stayed with you, up here.”

He raised his hand and smoothed the side of Sebastian's head.

“Do you still feel the fear?” Mark enquired.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No, not now. I think it's finally gone now he is. I can remember it, but I don't experience it the same way.”

“Good, and the rest?”

Sebastian pushed out a slow breath.

“That's not so simple.”

“No.”

Seb shook his head.

“I don't think I can just make that go away,” he admitted.

 

Mark stroked over the back of Seb's hand with his thumb.

“I know it's not easy.”

“I don't think it's something I can flick a switch on Liebling,” explained Seb. “Even if I try to think about it differently, I can't decide to _feel_ a certain way.”

“No, okay,” accepted Mark.

“Henry said I shouldn't expect to just forget what happened, that it's a part of me.”

“Yeah but if you could find a way to accept it's on Heikki, not you. Heikki was the one who did wrong, he's the one who was messed-up, he's the one who ought to feel ashamed.”

Seb looked at him.

“He's dead. He doesn't feel anything.”

Mark was almost surprised by how bluntly Seb put that, but it was certainly true.

“No, I suppose not.”

“He never did, not properly. Maybe that was the problem? I know he can't have felt love. Maybe he never really felt any of it and that's why he kept on trying to feel something by making me feel more pain, and more shame and more despair. If he was trying to compensate somehow and that's why he couldn't stop. Maybe he could only watch me feeling things and that was his life?”

Mark pushed out a long breath.

“Blimey darling I don't know, maybe. I just think he was fucked up.”

Seb let out a sad little laugh.

“Maybe that too Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“Sweetheart I don't care what he felt. I only care what you feel.”

“I don't want to feel what he made me feel any more,” asserted Seb.

“Well that's a good start.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath.

“The rest I think I'm just going to have to keep working on, let it fade.”

“Do you think it will?”

“I hope so. I think now I don't have the rest of it complicating things I might be able to see things more clearly.”

“And not blame yourself?” pressed Mark.

 

Sebastian paused then nodded slowly. Mark nodded back.

“Good.”

Mark looked at him.

“You know darling, your mother's right about one thing. He ought to have gone to jail for what he did.”

“She doesn't even know.”

“I know.” Mark shook his head. “He'll never face the consequences of his actions that much I do regret.”

Sebastian sighed and shook his head.

“I could never have done that.”

“Gone to court?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded and Seb shook his head again.

“I know it's cowardly Liebling but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't face him like that and tell the whole world what he did. I'd never be able to go back to work or even with my family... I just couldn't do it.”

Mark sighed, he did know this.

“It's not cowardly darling.”

“I just couldn't do it. I think it would have destroyed me.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

“I couldn't Mark. I just couldn't. I know... even if it was the only way to stop him, I still couldn't. I just couldn't.”

 

Mark heard the tone of Seb's voice rising and knew how his past being exposed still caused such anxiety for him.

“It's okay.” He stroked down Seb's arm. “He's gone. You don't need to.”

“I know it isn't fair he didn't get punished for it, or even to stop him doing it to somebody else.”

“Sweetheart he's dead. He's not going to hurt anyone anymore.”

Sebastian took a settling breath.

“Okay.”

“I wasn't saying it was your fault for not pressing charges Seb. I know you weren't in any position to do that.”

“The press would have torn me apart, both of us.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked at Mark.

“He knew that. He knew he was protected.”

“Yeah.”

“There wouldn't even be any proof if I had. He'd just say I was lying and delusional and...”

“Sweetheart it's okay. You don't have to justify it.”

“I know I let him get away with it.”

“No. Sweetheart no. You didn't let him get away with it. You're right. Trying to prosecute would have been a nightmare.”

“He'd have found a way to make it about hurting me, us, even more.”

“Yeah. It isn't fair darling but you're right. I guess this is the best we get. He's gone. Maybe that's God's judgement on him?”

Seb gave him a look.

“I don't think if God exists he strikes people down with lightning like in the Old Testament, not really.”

“No, or lorries,” agreed Mark.

“People get killed in accidents every day,” pointed to Seb. “They're not bad people, or most of them anyway.”

“No sweetheart of course not. I guess I just like the idea of him being struck by lightning that's all.”

 

Sebastian gave Mark the tiniest of smiles and Mark shrugged back.

“I guess we just have to accept that random things happen.”

“He was drinking,” noted Seb. “I guess he did bring it on himself.”

“Yeah.”

“I think maybe he was spiralling out of control.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah I'm afraid so.”

Sebastian let out the longest sigh.

“Maybe we just got lucky?” He huffed a sad little laugh. “Lucky. That sounds pretty bad doesn't it?”

“Nope. In the scheme of things maybe this is just the best thing that could have happened. He's gone. Wiped from the face of the Earth and however or whyever that happened, I don't care as long as it did,” asserted Mark.

Seb nodded slowly.

“Yeah I guess you're right. It does feel so much better to know he's not out there anymore.”

“Of course it does.”

 

Seb looked back out at the sea.

“I'd like to not think about it, or him, so much in future.”

“Yeah.”

“It can't be anything but in the past now. I think that'll help,” asserted Seb.

“I'm sure it will,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian nodded then leaned into Mark, dropping his head onto Mark's shoulder. Mark put his arm around him and rested his head into Seb's.

“It'll get better,” Mark assured him.

Seb gave another small nod, then turned his head to look out and simply gazed out into the distance. Mark looked out with him and they fell back into silence watching the sun finally coming up and the day arriving.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


It was a long time before Sebastian lifted his head from Mark's shoulder, feeling the warmer sun shining down on them from a now bright blue sky. He didn't know what time it was, but Seb was fairly sure a couple of hours had passed.

“Shall we go back?” he proposed.

“Sure.”

They stood and Mark automatically took Seb's hand again as they walked the short distance back up the beach towards their chalet. Rather than walking directly back into their bedroom Sebastian led them to the side onto the terrace. Mark was about to suggest sitting down and offering to make tea or coffee, but Seb looked at the pool and felt it calling to him. He let go of Mark's hand and crossed over to the edge of the water, looking down at its clear, gently rippling surface. Suddenly he pulled off his t-shirt, dumped it on the side and without saying a word to Mark, dove into the water.

Mark shook his head to see it. He stood on the side watching the graceful way Sebastian swam under the water, covering the full length of the pool before resurfacing with a splash. Sebastian took in a gasped lungful of air, then looked over to see Mark sitting down on the edge of the pool, dangling his feet in the water. He ducked back under the surface and swam smoothly back across under the water once more before popping back up right in front of Mark. As he did so Mark smiled.

“That feel nice then?” asked Mark.

“Yeah.”

Seb ran a hand over his hair to push the excess water out, then took a hold of the side of the pool by Mark's leg to keep himself in place. Mark decided he might as well join him, so he too pulled off his t-shirt and slid off the side into the water. As he bobbed next to Seb, Mark let out a little laugh.

“Bloody hell, it's a bit cold yet.”

“It's nice.”

Sebastian put his arms around Mark's neck and Mark put his hands on Seb's waist to hold him there seeing as Seb's feet didn't quite meet the bottom here. He leaned in to give him a kiss.

“Aussie darling. I'm always going to want it warm.”

“It's refreshing,” countered Seb. “I feel like I'm awake for the first time in a week.”

Mark looked at him.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded.

“Good.”

  
  


He gave Sebastian a kiss. Seb pulled himself in tighter for a moment, then let go, deciding to have a swim. Mark watched for a moment, still acclimatising to the cool water, then he joined Seb doing his laps. Mark wondered where Sebastian got the energy seeing as he suspected he had barely slept during the night, but as they both reached the end nearest the terrace Sebastian swam up to Mark and he could see a definite light in his eyes that had been missing for too long.

“Fancy some breakfast?” wondered Mark.

“Yeah I'm starving.”

Mark smiled, thinking he couldn't remember the last time Seb had said that.

“Great, me too.”

  
  


They climbed out and rang through for some food to be delivered while they dried off and changed. By the time they came back out they found breakfast laid out on the terrace table and the sat together to eat, already glad to be in the shade when the morning sun was hot. Mark made no comment on the fact that Seb ate not just the fruit, but the rolls with little slices of meat and cheese provided on the platter, for once eating a really decent meal unprompted. Mark drank his tea and smiled over at him.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“Nothing darling.”

“Are you tired? I'm sorry I woke you in the middle of the night.”

Mark shrugged.

“Doesn't matter. We've no plans have we? I can take an old man nap.”

Sebastian leaned into his side.

“I have naps all the time.”

“I know you do. Maybe we should have one after this?”

“Go back to bed?”

“If you want.”

Sebastian looked at the continental breakfast they had largely demolished.

“I don't think I can move anyway,” he smiled.

“There we are then,” agreed Mark, just finishing off his tea.

“Shall we put the 'do not disturb' sign on the front door for the cleaner?” wondered Seb.

“Good idea. I think we can live with re-used towels for a day can't we?”

“Yep.”

“Right you are then. Are you finished?”

“Yeah I'm full.”

Mark started tidying up the outdoor table knowing that when they returned it would mysteriously have been cleared away by the staff. He stood up and Seb copied him.

“We'll leave this for the ninjas then shall we Liebling?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“They certainly are discreet. Let's find that sign then and get a decent bit of kip.”

  
  


 

They sorted things out, then returned to their bedroom, Seb pulling the wooden blue door shutters to slightly in order to partially block out the sun that was currently beating down on the beach in front. Normally they'd be heading out there now for a spot of sunbathing, but as he peeled off his clothes to climb under the thin sheet with Mark, Seb thought this was currently infinitely preferable. His head felt improved for letting out things with Mark earlier and doing some of that re-packing as he adjusted, but it had been an effort and now he was tired. He snuggled into Mark and rubbed his cheek into his shoulder. Mark stroked over his arm and Sebastian moved his head to look at him.

“You're feeling better darling?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. Not perfect, but yeah, better.”

“Good.”

Mark gave him a smile. He didn't expect Sebastian to be magically fine after a couple of heart-to-hearts, but this was a big improvement. Years of hurt didn't go away because the originator was gone, but if Seb could live with them better that was something and Mark suspected that the knowledge that Heikki really could no longer cause any more of that pain was going to help more than Seb even knew yet.

Sebastian fitted his arm around Mark's front and closed his eyes. He could feel exhaustion creeping up on him from being awake most of the night and up for at least six hours already, though he felt lighter and clearer than he had before. He could hear the fan going round making a subtle white noise as regular and as soothing as Mark's steady heartbeat. He shifted slightly to lie so his ear was above Mark's heart and fell asleep.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark woke several hours later to find that they had shifted so he now lay behind Sebastian, spooned into his slightly curled body. 'Little spoon'. The idea made Mark smile with how cute it made Seb seem, though he wouldn't use the phrase to him seeing as it might sound patronising. He did think of Seb as being smaller though. Smaller and younger and more vulnerable. Much more vulnerable. Mark didn't think a time would ever come when he didn't feel as though he ought to be looking after Seb in some way. He didn't mean it as thinking of Sebastian as weak or incapable, but the urge to put his arms around him and hold him safe there was one Mark couldn't shake, even in good times.

He could feel the steady repetition of Seb breathing in and out, his back pressed into Mark's front. Seb's arms were wrapped around Mark's as he held onto him, as if making sure he didn't let go. Mark buried his face into Sebastian's hair and breathed him in. He smelt slightly of the swimming pool and also of the coconut scented sunscreen that Seb regularly applied to stop himself burning. It was a nice smell. The hair at the nape of Sebastian's neck curled from air-drying after their swim and they tickled Mark's skin making him smile. Mark softly kissed his neck, then settled in against him and drifted back asleep.

  
  


  
  


The first thing Seb recognised on waking was the feeling of Mark wrapped around him, the pair of them breathing perfectly in sync. It made him feel safe and home, even if they were many thousands of miles from their actual home. It was only when Sebastian opened his eyes that he was reminded where they were, but that was okay, they were just on holiday. It was later though. Sebastian didn't know how late, but the couple of inches gap between the pulled to shutters still allowed plenty of light to flood into the room and Seb suspected it was afternoon. It must be boiling hot outside, but thankfully the air-conditioning in here kept the bedroom relatively cool. Mark was warm against him, that nice feeling of lying skin-to-skin as close as possible. Almost as close as possible.

Sebastian smiled as he felt Mark's breathing alter and then a kiss pressed into the curve of his neck. He waited while Mark kissed him again a little higher up his neck, then Sebastian let go of where he held onto Mark's arms and swivelled around to face him on the pillow. Mark smiled at him and Seb smiled back.

“Morning Liebling,” he greeted.

“Is it morning?”

“No probably not.”

“Ah well, we're international jet-setters, we aren't hind-bound by little things like local times.”

“Aren't we?”

“Nah.”

Mark scrunched his nose as he said and Sebastian reached to give him a little kiss, but as Mark's arms went back around him it elongated and Seb lost himself in it, deepening the kiss until they both ran out of air. They rested their faces in together, just letting themselves wake up a little before Sebastian moved his head away to look at Mark.

“I slept better than I have in ages.”

“Good. I had a nice sleep too. The joy of napping.”

Seb huffed a little laugh before Mark stole another kiss.

“Maybe this'll be us when we're old,” suggested Sebastian.

“Having random naps to get through the day?” replied Mark. “Maybe. I can think of worse things.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath, then pressed in closer to him.

“You're wonderful Liebling,” he praised.

“Wonderful?”

“Yes. Very patient.”

“I'm not sure I've been called patient before,” noted Mark.

“Well you are.”

Mark shrugged the shoulder that wasn't pressed into the bed as he lay on his side.

“The most amazing husband in the whole wide world,” continued Seb.

Mark laughed and pulled him in tight.

“That won't do will it? What would I call you then?” he argued.

 

Sebastian merely smiled and decided that kissing him was a better way of showing Mark how he felt about him. He closed his eyes and Mark smoothed his hands slowly over Seb's skin. Mark felt the way Seb began to move against him and pulled away from the extended kiss for a moment to get Seb to look at him.

“Sweetheart?”

“Hm?”

Mark smiled as Seb looked slightly disappointed. He raised an eyebrow and Sebastian smiled again.

“Oh,” realised Sebastian.

“Unless you're still tired?”

“No I feel more awake than I have all week.”

“Good.”

Mark gave him a quick kiss before pulling away for a moment to reach to open the beside drawer where he had stashed a bottle of lube when they had unpacked, more in hope than expectation at that point. Mark propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at Sebastian.

“Love you darling.”

“Love you too.”

Sebastian reached up a hand to slide it around Mark's neck, encouraging him to lower into him.

  
  


  
  


  
  


 

  
  


The next few days felt far more relaxed and normal, even if to an outsider looking on it would have appeared as though they didn't really change their routine all that much. They still got up and swam in the pool, ate leisurely breakfasts on the terrace and decamped to lie together on the beach in the sun, but to Mark and Seb it felt quite different.

Of course part of the reason they felt so relaxed was that there _were_ no outsiders looking on. If they had chosen to go up to the main hotel for dinner they would have seen the other residents and if they went further along the beach they might have met others similarly sunbathing, but they chose not to. Instead they stayed contentedly isolated, only interested in each other's company. They talked when Seb wanted to and when he didn't they merely appreciated being together in the glorious weather and surroundings. With each day Sebastian felt as though he crawled further out of the deep hole he had fallen into the previous week, and a little more like his normal self.

Though they generally stuck to the same activities outside, they found themselves trying to make up for lost time when they came indoors during the afternoon for what Mark liked to refer to as 'little naps'. Certainly they tended to go to bed for a while and afterwards Sebastian did have a tendency to fall asleep, but that was because they had found other ways to wear themselves out.

  
  


 

On the Saturday afternoon they untangled themselves only to re-tangle themselves back up together more comfortably on the bed. Mark pulled Seb to lie half across him. They felt hot and sticky and in need of a nice cool shower, but neither of them were ready to move yet. Seb lifted his head a little to look at him.

“I can't believe we're going home tomorrow.”

“No,” sighed Mark, “me neither.”

Sebastian pouted and Mark smiled before ducking in to kiss him.

“Never mind darling, we've got nice things to look forward to: All our family coming and our friends.”

“Yeah I know.”

Sebastian rested his head down.

“I'm sorry we've not really done much this holiday,” he apologised.

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Nah we've done what we needed to. Besides I can safely say I'm having a very nice time.”

A smile crept over Seb's face as Mark tickled his side.

“Aren't you?” checked Mark.

“Yeah course.”

“Good.” Mark gave him a quick kiss. “That's all that matters.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“Five minutes.”

“Sure,” smiled Mark. “Five minutes.”

  
  


  
  


Half an hour later they stood in the shower, the water turned down cool as they washed themselves and re-woke their brains up. Mark watched as Sebastian closed his eyes to allow the stream of water to wash the shampoo suds out of his hair and smiled at the way he slowly moved his head from side to side. Seb opened his eyes to see Mark grinning at him. He frowned, but Mark merely shook his head and gave him a kiss before wrapping his arms around him. In truth Mark thought they could use at least another week of this, but things were the way they were and whilst preparing for their visitors and looking after them wouldn't be quite as relaxing, at least they weren't straight back to work.

Shortly after when they were dressing in their bedroom Sebastian looked over to Mark.

“We should have a nice dinner,” he proposed.

“Don't we always?”

“Yeah but a special one. It's our last night,” argued Seb.

“Course,” agreed Mark, stepping in closer to him. “What would you like? Do you want to go up to the restaurant?”

“Hmm, not unless you do.”

“I'm happy here darling.”

“Me too. I just meant, well... I don't know, just to make a fuss of it.”

Mark nodded.

“We can pick the fanciest things on the menu.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“No diets.”

“No diets,” agreed Mark.

“We could get some wine.”

“Sure. That sounds nice. We'll push the boat out a bit.”

  
  


  
  


The uniformed staff member lit the candles in the little glasses on the table and Mark and Sebastian made a point of saying a proper thank you seeing as they'd hardly had chance over the past week. As soon as they were gone Mark poured the wine and raised his glass to Seb who did the same.

“Cheers.”

“Cheers Liebling. Thank you.”

“For?”

“For everything.”

Mark shrugged.

“Likewise. Right, well this looks suitably impressive.”

Sebastian looked at the small feast laid out on the terrace table before them.

“I think we may have over-ordered Liebling.”

“Ah well, we won't go hungry at any rate,” agreed Mark.

 

They made a start, eating and drinking whilst looking out at the sinking sun across the ebbing sea only a hundred yards away. Seeing as they were breaking the rules they even had desert: a rich gooey chocolate torte accompanied by amazing strawberries that tasted so fresh Mark wondered if there was a chance they could have been grown on-site. As they finished up Sebastian sighed and leaned into him.

“Mein Gott, I don't think I can move Liebling.”

Mark smiled and pushed away his own plate.

“Know what you mean. Oof. Think we might just have to sit here a while.”

Sebastian stretched out to pick up his glass of wine and took another sip.

“Mmm. This is nice.”

“The wine?” checked Mark.

“Everything.”

Seb lowered his head sideways onto Mark's shoulder and Mark put an arm around him.

“Certainly is darling,” Mark agreed.

“Maybe we could walk it off in a bit and then have an early night?” suggested Sebastian.

“Sounds good to me.”

“And we're not in a rush tomorrow are we?”

“Nope, plenty of time to pack.”

“So we can have a lie in?”

Mark laughed and kissed his temple.

“You've got it all planned,” he teased.

“Only if that's what you want too.”

“Of course it is.”

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath and sighed it out.

“We've got a couple of days haven't we, before everyone arrives?”

“Yeah course we have. The quiet before the storm,” joked Mark.

Seb laughed into him.

“It'll be nice.”

“Course it will. It's only family and friends, nothing stressy. Nobody's gonna care about things being perfect and we'll all just pitch in.”

“Yeah I know.”

“I mean I hope you aren't expecting to get anywhere near the actual barbecue with my dad around for starters.”

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head.

“He's welcome to it. Your dad and my dad can discuss the merits of various ways to cook steak and what beer goes with it.”

“I'm sure they will. And your mum and my mum... that's going to be interesting.”

“Mm.”

“Fine though.”

“Hope so. Pauline too. She can always referee.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“That's true. Anyway we've got our sisters there to keep the peace, so we'll be fine.”

“Yeah and everyone else is only coming in the afternoon on Saturday.”

“Exactly. If they stay past midnight they'll just have to kip on the floor.”

“No more room at the inn.”

“Precisely.”

“It is going to be strange seeing them all together,” noted Seb.

“A bit, but it'll all be fine,” Mark assured.

“Yeah okay. I'm not going to stress about it.”

Mark looked to him and raised an eyebrow and Sebastian smiled.

“Not yet anyway,” he relented.

“There we go then. A week off yet.”

“Oh yeah so it is,” agreed Seb.

“A week's ages.”

 

Sebastian knew that their family were arriving sooner, but it was best to put off thinking it was imminent.

“And you know Pauline will have the place all ready,” added Mark.

“Yeah true. We should have a chat with her on Tuesday, explain stuff to her, you know, about what's happened,” Seb decided.

“Okay, but we don't need to worry about that now.”

Seb nodded and Mark looked at him.

“We don't have to think about anything serious tonight.”

“I know.”

“Unless you really want to?”

“I really don't. It's our last night here Liebling. I want to enjoy it.”

“Good.”

 

They went quiet as they looked out at the sunset, slowly sipping the wine until their glasses were empty. Mark turned his head to him as he put his glass down.

“Shall we take that stroll then?”

“Yep,” agreed Seb, putting his glass down by Mark's.

  
  


 

 

Sebastian hung onto Mark's arm as they walked along the beach in the low evening light of dusk. They headed south as far as the curve of the bay went before palm trees reached the shoreline and they could go no further unless they wanted to trek into the woods. Sebastian sat down on a tree that had bent all the way down to reach the ground and Mark perched beside him, fitting his arms around Seb's middle.

“Want to shimmy up one of them to get us a coconut?” joked Mark.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“I don't shimmy.”

“I think you could shimmy very nicely if you chose sweetheart.”

“You shimmy if you want to.”

They both laughed at their silliness, feeling good to be light-hearted.

“Wine gone to your head?” teased Mark.

“A little bit maybe. Not in a bad way.”

“Me too. Just a nice little buzz.”

  
  


The last of the sun disappeared from view and Seb turned in to face Mark, putting his arms to rest on Mark's shoulders. Mark smiled at Seb in the low light then pulled him in closer to kiss him. As they lifted apart Sebastian leaned back in to rub his nose one way then the other making them both smile before they kissed again. Seb finally sat back with a sigh.

“Shall we go back?” asked Mark.

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian hopped off his perch as Mark stood and they walked back down the now darkened beach, illuminated only by the light coming from the resort inland and the few other chalets fronting onto the beach. They passed one or two others sat out on their own terraces enjoying their evening, but they were walking too near to the water's edge to require saying hello. Mark didn't feel in the least guilty for them keeping their heads down all week. They'd needed that time alone to pull themselves back from what felt at times pretty damn close to the brink. As they got back to their chalet Mark looked over at Sebastian and even in the remaining candlelight he could see Seb's cheeks more pinked and the adorable tiny freckles on his nose that you only noticed when you got right up close. Seb caught him appraising him.

“What?”

“Nothing, you just look nice when you've caught the sun.”

Sebastian leaned into him and angled his head.

“Don't I always look nice?” he teased.

“You always look gorgeous,” assured Mark. “You just look especially gorgeous right now.”

“So do you.”

Mark laughed.

“Gorgeous?”

“Yes. All brown like a nut.”

Mark chuckled.

“Just as long as I'm not as wrinkly as a walnut?”

“Not at all,” promised Sebastian.

Mark lowered his head to bury his nose into the crook of Seb's neck.

“You actually still smell of coconut.”

“From the tree?”

“From the sunscreen I think.”

“I've had a shower.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Just a hint of it. It's nice.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, all summery.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark leaned in to kiss where he had smelt.

“Tastes nice too.”

“Really?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian smiled at the look in Mark's eye.

“Shall we go to bed?” he asked.

Mark glanced to the still half full bottle of wine abandoned on the terrace table.

“Unless you want to finish that wine?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Nope.”

“Good call.”

Mark took his hand and led Sebastian inside.

  
  


Once in their bedroom Seb lay out on the bed and Mark sat down beside him, just looking for a moment before slowly pushing Seb's t-shirt up out of the way. He dipped in and kissed his stomach making Seb laugh.

“Are you checking if the rest of me tastes coconutty?”

Mark lifted up to look at him.

“That sounds like an excellent idea darling.”

 

Sebastian lifted up a little to help Mark remove his t-shirt altogether then lay back and watched as Mark recommenced kissing Seb's stomach, working his way up his chest, his shoulder, his neck and carefully progressing all along his jaw until he finally reached Sebastian's mouth.

Seb smiled up at him.

“What's the verdict Liebling?”

“Delicious,” praised Mark.

Sebastian laughed.

“Delicious?”

“Mm. I think that's the right word. Maybe I should just double-check?”

Mark grinned and set about working in reverse order. As he arrived at Sebastian's waist he paused, then unbuttoned his shorts to remove them too, kissing lower before reaching Seb's underwear.

“Oh dear, these seem to be in the way.”

He started to slowly peel them off, Seb deciding to simply lie back and let him, only shifting slightly to allow Mark to undress him completely.

“That's better. Now then...”

 

Mark repositioned himself and began kissing lower and lower.

“Um, Liebling?”

Mark lifted up.

“Yes?”

“I don't think I put sunscreen there.”

“Only one way to be sure sweetheart.”

“You're very thorough.”

“High praise indeed from you.”

 

Mark reached to give him a quick kiss on the lips before going to return to his earlier task. As he lifted up Seb pulled at his t-shirt.

“Aren't you taking this off?”

“Your wish is my command darling,” agreed Mark, sweeping off his t-shirt in one clean movement before ducking back in to kiss back down from Seb's flat stomach. Sebastian rested back and closed his eyes. His breathing hitching as Mark reached his intended destination. Mark could hear it getting faster, though he didn't need any more indication that what he was doing was working. Sebastian let out a sharper gasp and pulled at Mark's arm, his eyes open now.

“Liebling.”

Mark lifted up to look at him.

“Yeah?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Too much?” checked Mark.

“It will be if you carry on.”

Sebastian pushed himself to sit up.

“My turn.”

“Oh but my sunscreen doesn't have coconut.”

“What does it have?”

Mark shrugged and sat beside him.

“Dunno. Have a sniff.”

Sebastian laughed and pressed his nose into Mark's chest.

“Hmm,” he frowned.

“Nothing?” enquired Mark.

“You just smell like you.”

“Is this a good thing?”

“It's very much a good thing,” assured Sebastian.

 

He paused then suddenly leaned in to lick a broad stripe right up the centre of Mark's chest.

Mark laughed and sat back against the pillows, looking to Seb as he lifted back.

“So?”

“Taste of you too.”

“How very dull of me.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

Sebastian moved to straddle him and put his arms around Mark's neck.

“I like the taste of you, the smell of you,” he reassured him.

“Oh yes?”

“Yeah. It's sort of... strong.”

“Strong? Like mouldy cheese?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Strong, like musky, like...”

He leaned into him and rubbed his nose into the crook of Mark's neck taking in the deepest breath.

“Like, mmm, just _you_.”

Mark smiled.

“I'm going to assume this is a good thing.”

“A very good thing,” confirmed Seb.

 

He leaned back in to take another inhale of it and as he did so Sebastian instinctively moved his body against Mark's.

“Darling.”

“Hm?”

Sebastian lifted his head back up to look at him.

“I need to lose these.”

“Ah.”

Seb climbed off a moment to let Mark haul off his shorts and underwear before resuming his position.

“That better Liebling?” he teased.

“Oh much better,” agreed Mark.

He leaned in to kiss Seb at the same time as sliding his hands down from Seb's waist to his arse and hitching him forwards. Sebastian wound his arms around Mark's neck and his offer to return the favour was quickly forgotten as they both wanted to move things rather further along. Sebastian fitted his nose alongside Mark's and they started to kiss more fervently, lungs and hearts pumping faster to pull in oxygen as they both began to move.

  
  


  
  


Seb kept his damp forehead resting into Mark's, his eyes closed as they slowed. Their mouths were parted as they had to concentrate on breathing in replacement air to feed sparking minds. His body felt weak and Seb let it drop into Mark's, setting his head sideways onto his shoulder now. Seb used the remaining bit of strength he had to continue clinging on to him. Mark took in a deeper breath and gave him a little squeeze in before resting his cheek into Sebastian's hair. He could feel how hard Sebastian's chest was working as it pressed into his, but then Mark knew his own was moving pretty fast as well. He didn't ask Seb if he was okay. Mark understood what Seb needed when he was in limpet-mode. He just needed to be held. Seb needed to feel secure and loved and safe. It wasn't something you could rush.

Eventually Sebastian let out a long sigh and Mark felt his body relaxing more. He lifted up his head and Seb copied him to look up at him.

“Okay?”

Seb nodded and Mark gave him a smile before lowering his head in to kiss him.

“Love you darling.”

“Love you too.”

Sebastian sighed out again, sounding more at peace.

“Quick shower in a minute and then we can have a nice big sleep?” proposed Mark.

“Yeah in a minute Liebling.”

“Sure.”

  
  


Not too long later they settled back into bed feeling refreshed and cooler. Seb lay himself almost on top of Mark, but he wasn't about to complain. He smoothed his hands over Seb's cool, clean skin and breathed him in. He'd been teasing earlier, but Mark thought Sebastian really did smell nice. He felt nice too, his body all soft and relaxed as it molded into him. Plenty of time for a lie-in tomorrow morning, leave packing as late as possible. They should hold onto this as well as each other for as long as possible.

  
  


 

* * *

  
  


  
  



	162. Setting Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo, summer finally here and I get to write about their families coming to visit for the fabled barbecue which we've been talking about for ages.
> 
> First part of several here (I may, as usual, have got rather carried away).

 

* * *

  
  


 

Thankfully having found the house in good shape ready for their visitors, Mark and Seb spent the intervening two days settling back into being home, taking it easy and readjusting to the time, which largely translated into nice lie-ins. Pauline came around as usual on the Tuesday which gave them chance to thank her for all her work preparing the spare bedrooms for their guests and looking after the dogs while they were away. It also meant that they had chance to update her on the reason for their delaying going on holiday.

Pauline was of course horrified to learn what Heikki had been doing and as unsympathetic as their families had been about his fate. Seb didn't want to share too much about how it had upset him, particularly seeing as their holiday had been about trying to put it behind them. She was as kind as ever, but in truth Sebastian was a little relieved when she left and it was just him and Mark again.

“She means well,” pointed out Mark as they tidied away the mugs of tea they had been drinking in the kitchen with her.

“I know. It's like with our mums. I'd just rather not have to get into all that though,” admitted Seb.

“Course.”

Mark gave him a smile as he quickly washed the mugs, already resolving to drop his family a quick hint to avoid the topic when they arrived the next day.

“Right sweetheart, shall we take the boys out?” prompted Mark.

“Um, yeah I was just thinking maybe we should check our emails?”

“What for?”

“I dunno, just anything while we've been away.”

Mark shrugged and put the crockery to dry on the side.

“If you like,” he agreed, thinking Seb might be right to suggest they should make sure they had nothing to worry about on their last day alone so they could deal with anything before they were inundated.

  
  


They went to Mark's study and both pulled out laptops. While they waited for them to switch on they stroked the dogs who had come with them, still delighted to have their masters home again. Mark had one or two messages from Porsche regarding the Autumn part of the season but nothing urgent and Seb was busy deleting junk messages that had snuck in. He didn't really expect anything from the team seeing as they were into the mandatory F1 summer shutdown and Britta was taking a well-earned holiday, but it felt better to be sure.

At about the same time both of them spotted a CC'd email from Rachel at the adoption agency and turned to look at one another before clicking on it. They read the short message acknowledging receipt of the police report and Rachel's request that when they got back from their holiday they see if they could find time to give her a ring. Sebastian turned to Mark and puffed a breath.

“She sent it a week ago,” he noted.

“It's fine. She knew we were away.”

“I guess. What do you think she's going to say?”

“Dunno. Only one way to find out.”

“Hmm.”

“Shall we just get it out of the way?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian bit his lip, then nodded.

“Okay.”

  
  


Mark pulled out his phone and pressed dial, putting it on speaker while it rang.

“Hello Rachel Groves.”

“Hi Rachel, it's Mark and Seb Vettel-Webber.”

“Hi Rachel,” pitched in Sebastian.

“Oh hello. You're back then?”

“Yeah we just picked up your email,” explained Mark.

“Right, yes sorry I knew you were away but I wanted to send it while I thought on. Thank you for making time when I know you're busy.”

“It's okay, we don't have people arriving until tomorrow.”

“I see, well I won't take long. I just wanted to discuss the report I was sent.”

“Right.”

Mark looked to Seb, seeing the worry cross his face.

“I think you should know it came as a pretty big shock to us,” pointed out Mark.

“I'm sure, yes...”

“We had absolutely no idea what was going on.”

“No, indeed... Yes of course. The report stated he was nearby when he was killed though.”

Mark hesitated, then decided they ought to give her some context at least.

“He was travelling on a false passport.”

“My goodness. The report said he was over the limit drinking when the accident occurred as well. Dreadful business.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

“We really had no idea Rachel,” emphasised Sebastian.

“Of course not, no, well I'm sure it was a shock to find this out, but in terms of your case, well... it sounds awful to say it, but it does rather resolve the issue doesn't it?”

“Mm.”

“I hope that doesn't sound heartless.”

 

Mark huffed a silent laugh. He could think of some far worse responses he had had to finding out Heikki was dead.

“Not at all. It's just the truth isn't it?” Mark replied.

“Yes, so, well I wanted to talk to you first before taking things further.”

Seb suddenly felt his heart jump.

“Rachel we really didn't know. When we told you he was in Finland we believed it. Those reports we sent, they were for us too.”

“Seb of course. I didn't mean to imply otherwise.”

“But you're going to take it further?” worried Sebastian.

“Your case. I meant to put it to the board,” explained Rachel. “Given that Heikki was the impediment, if he's, forgive me, out of the scenario as it were, well... there's no reason to hold you back now.”

 

Sebastian's jaw dropped and he grabbed Mark's hand.

“You mean put us forward to be cleared to adopt?”

“Yes. I can't promise you'll be approved. It's not up to me, but I wouldn't put your case to the board unless I thought you were in a good position.”

Seb took in a sharp breath and Mark squeezed his hand.

“Oh my god.”

“It is good Seb,” continued Rachel. “The circumstances, obviously... I mean I don't want to say someone's death is a good thing, but for you, to move your case forwards.”

Sebastian closed his eyes, so Mark answered.

“Of course it is. That's fantastic news.”

“Well as I say it's not a guarantee, it's up to the board to make their decision.”

Mark rubbed Seb's hand to get him to look at him again.

“That's really great.”

“So you're happy for me to go ahead and submit your case for approval then?”

“Absolutely.”

 

At the other end of the line Rachel smiled at the buoyancy of his tone.

“I know I should probably have asked you in to discuss this, but I know how busy your schedule is over the summer and I thought it best to just speak to you and get things going,” she explained.

“No that's fine, really.”

“So how long will it take?” asked Seb.

“Mm well I'm not sure, given that it's the summer holidays people may well be away so I'm not sure when the board will be all there to sit...”

“Oh right.”

“Once they do look at it, it depends on whether they come to a unanimous decision.”

“And if they don't?”

“Then they come back to me and we would need to meet to address any remaining concerns they might have.”

“I see.”

“So we just have to wait?”

“I'm afraid so. I thought you would want me to get on it though?”

“No of course we do don't we Mark?”

“Yep absolutely. Seeing as Heikki was the problem surely we ought to be okay Rachel?”

“Um well...”

“You can't promise can you?” accepted Seb.

“No, but I wouldn't push for this if I didn't think you had a decent chance.”

“Okay. So we wait.”

“Yes.”

 

Seb took a deep breath and Mark nodded to him.

“I think we're getting pretty good at that aren't we sweetheart?”

“Yeah.”

“If I have your go-ahead I'll get right on it,” replied Rachel. “Then I'll be in touch.”

“Okay.”

“You have family things going on for the remainder of the summer anyway don't you?” recalled Rachel.

“Yeah we do,” agreed Mark. “Okay, so that's good.”

“It is.”

“Thank you Rachel,” offered Seb.

“Not at all. Thank you for ringing me so I can move things along. This is a big step.”

Mark let out an accidental little laugh.

“It's huge.”

“True, but it's the culmination of all your work so far. Even if you are approved I should warn you there will still be a long road ahead.”

“Yeah but it's important.”

“It is.”

“We should be passed though shouldn't we?” asked Sebastian.

“Seb I really can't pre-empt their decision. I can say I believe you to be in a good position.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you Rachel,” offered Mark.

“That's okay. I probably shouldn't say this, but I will have my fingers crossed for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes thank you Rachel,” concurred Seb. “We do appreciate all your help.”

“It's my job, but thank you.”

“You'll be in touch?”

“As soon as I have anything.”

“Right, okay thanks then.”

“I hope your party goes well.”

“Oh it's not really a party, but yeah thanks.”

“Very kind of you Rachel,” thanked Mark.

“Right well I'll let you go. Thanks again for calling.”

“Thanks then. Bye.”

“Bye,” finished Seb.

Mark flicked the call off and the pair of them looked at one another in silence for a minute.

 

“Oh my god,” let out Seb.

Mark smiled and pulled him into a hug.

“This is great.”

Sebastian pulled away to look at him.

“They will pass us won't they Liebling?”

“Yeah, I'm sure they will. No reason not to now, surely?”

“Yeah but Rachel...”

“Can't promise, but like she said darling, she wouldn't put our case before the board if she wasn't pretty confident.”

“Yeah, yeah okay.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's good news Seb.”

“I know, I know.”

“And now you've found something new to worry about.”

“No no it's good, it's great,” backtracked Seb. “I just want to know now.”

“I know. Me too darling. We'll just have to wait.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I suppose it's good we've got people coming so it'll distract us.”

“True.”

“I just wish we at least had a time-frame.”

“Well she doesn't know if people will be on holiday. Time of year for it.”

“Yeah.” Seb puffed a breath trying to calm himself. “At least we got things going. I'm glad we looked at our emails rather than leaving it till after the weekend.”

“Yep, good call sweetheart.”

 

Mark leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“It's good news and hopefully going to be great news.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded.

“Hopefully.”

Mark dipped in a little to look into his eyes more closely.

“Yes?”

“Yeah. I just don't want to get my hopes up too high Liebling, that's all.”  
Mark nodded.

“Course sweetheart, you're right. It's good, but we shouldn't get carried away. We'll wait and see.”

“Yeah.” Seb bit his lip. “I think... Liebling is awful if I say I'd rather we didn't mention this to our families yet? I know it's bad with them being here and everything, but I don't think I can take them asking about it all weekend when we just don't know and...”

Mark leaned in to stop Seb running on which he knew was a clear sign he was fretting.

“Seb it's fine. We've not much to tell have we? It's not even gone to the board yet.”

“Okay, it's just my mum and everything, I know she'd mean well but it'd be a thousand questions and all I'll end up doing is worrying.”

“I know. Which is precisely want we don't want sweetheart. The whole point of this is to enjoy ourselves, yes?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“No that's alright.”

“I don't want to think we're keeping things from them.”

“No but we've not a lot to tell yet. I mean maybe when we actually know the board are meeting,” proposed Mark.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Which could be a couple of weeks really if people are away, September maybe?”

“Mm, yeah I suppose so. Yeah okay.”

“We can revisit it then anyway.”

Sebastian nodded. It felt better to reclassify the situation as something they were waiting on being told rather than feeling guilty about not telling their families.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“What for?”

“Making me feel better as always.”

 

Sebastian leaned in and put his arms around Mark's neck to get another hug. As Mark pulled him in Seb closed his eyes and prayed things would work out. He didn't dare hope too hard, but his heart was squeezing tight. Mark pressed his cheek into Seb's and whispered in his ear.

“It's gonna work out darling, I'm sure.”

“Yeah.”

As they parted Seb took in another deep breath and puffed it out.

“I'm kind of excited and really really nervous.”

“Me too,” agreed Mark.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah course.”

Mark took both of Seb's hands in his and looked at him.

“This is big.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I just... It's really good. I just...” Sebastian shook his head. “Mark I don't think I can take getting my heart broken again.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

“If they say no.”

Mark shook his head.

“Surely there's no reason they should now?”

“If I set my heart on it...”

“Okay.”

Mark puffed a breath and squeezed Seb's hands in his. The idea of being rejected at this stage was awful. Surely, _surely,_ they wouldn't? But then they didn't know the people on the board and how they made their decisions. Mark could see the anxiety in Seb's eyes and worried whether he might not be right. They were still only just picking themselves up from the shock of Heikki's death and all they had uncovered. Mark feared Seb might not withstand another blow.

“Alright, let's just try not putting too much on it yet,” suggested Mark. “Shut it out of our minds for a bit.”

“Yeah...

 

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay I think I, we, just need to distract ourselves and not think about it until she gives us an answer.”

“Yep. So, walk the dogs then?”

Seb huffed the driest of laughs. Nothing to be done but get on with things. If he let himself go on thinking about it he was only going to find a thousand things to worry about and send himself mad. He looked to the dogs waiting patiently by their feet.

“Yeah let's go out.”

Denial might well be their best bet. Seb knew it was good news, but until they had anything more he didn't think he could take any more risks thinking it was a done deal. It mattered too much. The only way to cope was to shut it out.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning they woke early with plenty of distractions lined up to prevent them worrying about how the adoption review board was likely to progress. The house was cleaned and ready thanks to Pauline, but they still fussed around checking the place even though they knew their families weren't coming here to judge them. Mark's family had hire cars seeing as they had already been in the country for a few days, but Fabian needed collecting from the airport. He had told them he could just as easily get a taxi, but Sebastian was fairly sure his mother wouldn't be too happy with that arrangement despite the fact that was what they were doing when they were due to arrive. So shortly after nine am Mark and Sebastian stood waiting in the familiar meeting area at Heathrow, waving to an excited looking teenage boy hulking a giant backpack across to meet them.

“Oh my god Fabe,” smiled Seb. “How much have you brought?”

“You know we've actually got tents and stuff coming mate,” noted Mark.

Fabian shrugged.

“I didn't know what the weather was going to be like.”

“Dry so far,” confirmed Seb.

“And the forecast is decent for the weekend,” added Mark, “so let's not jinx it.”

“Yeah okay. Are your folks here yet?”

“Nope, not until this afternoon. Shall we get going then?”

“Sure.”

 

Mark offered to take Fabian's bag but he refused and it looked so packed Mark wasn't entirely sorry. As they walked back to the car Fabian chatted on, asking more about Mark's family and what they were going to be doing. Sebastian caught the smile in Mark's eye, but he knew he wasn't going to tease his little brother.

“Well to be honest we've not got much planned,” admitted Mark. “We've got a bit of setting up to do what with you guys camping out and all the stuff for the barbecue.”

“Course, no that's fine. I can help.”

“We're counting on you, thanks. And other than that, well my nephew and nieces will be there so we thought you guys could have a muck about in the pool, take the dogs out a bit, that sort of thing.”

“Sure, no that sounds good. Have they been to yours before?”

“Not for a while and they've not seen our new pool.”

“Oh really?”

“I think you're the only one in our family who has actually.”

Fabian walked a little taller despite the heavy backpack and Mark had to resist the urge to ruffle the kid's hair.

“You can be in charge of stuff Fabe,” offered Seb, “show them where things are and all that.”

“Yeah course.”

“Though no going in the pool if there's not an adult there.”

“I'm nearly an adult.”

“Yeah but Ryan isn't. Sorry Fabe that's the rule this week.”

“It can be any of us, but an adult has to be around,” continued Mark. “We'll just spend the whole time worrying otherwise.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I think plenty of us are gonna want to be using it anyway, so hopefully it won't be an issue.”

“Course, yeah no that's okay,” accepted Fabian.

  
  


They got back to the car and helped Fabian detach himself from his backpack to put it in the boot before heading home. When they arrived at the house Fabian amused himself reacquainting himself with the dogs who seemed equally thrilled to see him. It was still only just coming up on eleven so Mark looked over at his young brother-in-law sat petting the animals on the kitchen floor, then to Seb who was sipping a mug of tea.

“Why don't we take them out for a walk, let them get a bit of energy out of their system?”

Sebastian grinned and whispered in his ear.

“The dogs or Fabe?”

Mark huffed a little laugh and looked over to Fabian.

“What d'you say Fabe? Up for taking them out?”

“Hm? Oh sure. When are your family getting here?”

“Not before twelve so we've got time.”

“Yeah okay then.”

  
  


They sorted themselves out and Sebastian took Mark's arm as they walked down the lane, both of them smiling at the sight of Fabian holding both the dogs' leads, trying to pretend he wasn't being pulled along by them as they strained to get to the footpath where they knew they would be allowed to run free.

“Alright there Fabe?” checked Mark.

Fabian turned his head.

“Yeah good. They're strong aren't they?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yep.”

“Do you want me to take one?” offered Sebastian.

“No no I've got it.”

The animals caught sight of the gate to the footpath and jerked forwards, Fabian doing likewise. Mark and Sebastian laughed quietly, then Mark shook his head.

“They'll be better for a good run around.”

Seb nodded, still fairly sure Mark meant his brother as well.

  
  


  
  


As they kicked their heels in the kitchen once again Mark considered offering more tea. He looked at Seb's clock up on the wall and wondered when exactly his family would arrive. They'd left it fairly vague seeing as they didn't want to put any pressure on them rushing through London traffic. Suddenly the dogs started barking and jumped up, making Fabian who was petting them again jump as well. Mark patted him on the shoulder.

“They hear stuff before we do mate.”

“Course,” agreed Fabian standing up.

 

Mark smiled over at Seb who strangely felt as though he ought to be straightening his clothes to look smart despite the fact he had met Mark's family plenty of times before. They went to open the door, Fabian hanging back in the kitchen with the dogs while Mark and Seb opened the door. They barely got a hello out before first Mark, then Sebastian were busy with hugs from Ryan then Jemma and Abbey who had got onto the front doorstep ahead of their parents. Mark grinned over the top of his nephew's head at his sister grinning at him.

“They're pretty excited,” explained Leanne. “Right, stand back guys, let us have a turn.”

Mark and Sebastian hugged Leanne and Dean while the kids stepped out of the way.

“Where's Mum and Dad?” asked Mark.

“Following. Mum volunteered to drive so I expect she's doing about 20km an hour.”

Mark nodded and smiled.

“Right then, bags, stuff?”

“We've got it.”

  
  


Leanne started directing the children to take things from the boot of the hired car parked on the drive and Mark and Sebastian joined in piling things into the hallway. After a minute or so Fabian emerged, having felt stupid stood around waiting on his own inside. He came out on to the driveway and stood by his brother feeling oddly shy in front of the others. Mark stepped up to him and indicated to his sister to halt proceeding for a moment.

“Guys this is Fabian, Seb's little brother.”

“Um, hi.”

Leanne shook the offered hand, smiling at how polite he was being.

“Lovely to finally meet you Fabian. We've heard so much about you.”

“Have you?”

“Course. Right then, this is our lot: Jemma, Abbey and Ryan.”

The kids all exchanged slightly awkward 'hi's and Dean gave Fabian a friendly pat on the arm.

“Great to meet you Fabe. Seb tells us you're a big F1 fan like our Ryan.”

“Oh um, yeah.”

“I've seen you at races,” piped up Ryan looking up at him.

“Yeah? Me too. I saw you in the garage in Melbourne.”

“Oh yeah, that was so cool. I even sat in Seb's car.”

“Did you?”

Fabian looked at his brother and Sebastian shrugged, wondering if he'd have to do the same thing to even things up for him. Ryan was currently wearing the RedBull cap they had sent him for his birthday which he thought was rather sweet. His younger brother looked much older by comparison to their nephew, but then Fabian really wasn't a little boy any more.

 

Just then another car pulled slowly onto the drive as Mark's parents finally arrived and there was another round of greetings and more belongings to be lugged into the house. Diane gave Sebastian such a hug he thought perhaps Mark had told her more than he let on, but then his mother-in-law had always been pretty perceptive about things. He expected her to ask how he was doing and as she let him go he could tell she was looking him over.

“So you enjoyed your holiday then?” enquired Diane.

“Yes it was lovely, thank you.”

“Good. Well it looks like you've both caught the sun a bit.”

Mark smiled and fitted his arm around Sebastian where they stood on the drive again.

“Yeah it was good to get away wasn't it sweetheart?”

“Yeah very nice,” agreed Seb.

“And now we come along to ruin your nice peace and quiet,” joked Alan.

“Oh no we've been looking forward to it,” Seb assured them.

“Course we have,” agreed Mark. “Right, let's get this stuff sorted and I'll whack the kettle on.”

  
  


The house that had been quiet only a few hours earlier was now filled with noise as the family carried bags and various bits of camping equipment about. Mark and Seb showed Leanne and Dean and Diane and Alan which were their rooms for their stay while the kids hung around in the kitchen having been introduced to the dogs who were now so excited that Mark had to sit them down and give them a talking to about bouncing about. As soon as the visiting adults had sorted themselves out they came back into the kitchen and Sebastian reflected that it felt packed already with only them there, quite how they were going to manage when his lot arrived too he didn't know.

“Would you like some drinks?” offered Seb.

“Wouldn't say no to a cup of tea,” agreed Alan.

Mark filled the kettle and was about to ask the younger ones what they wanted when he saw his nephew leaning in to speak to Leanne.

“Alright there kiddo?”

Ryan looked to his mother who shook her head.

“He's desperate to see the pool.”

“Ah right.”

Mark huffed a laugh seeing the girls looking equally keen.

“Come on, full tour then.”

  
  


They showed them around the whole house and garden, Fabian walking alongside Ryan and helpfully pointing out things. Mark left the swimming pool until last and as they walked in there even his parents looked impressed.

“Wow,” smiled Leanne. “This really is...”

“Nice?”

Leanne laughed.

“I was going to say big. But yes it is nice. It's lovely.”

“Very nicely done,” agreed her husband. “Fits in well with the house doesn't it?”

“The architects tried to make sure it didn't look too out of place,” explained Seb.

“It's pretty impressive,” noted Alan.

“It's very nice,” added Diane. “I'm sure you must get a lot of use out of it.”

“We really do,” agreed Seb.

“Nearly every day if we're home,” Mark added. “Yeah it's been great. All Seb's idea of course.”

Sebastian shrugged, but he was smiling to see how they were reacting. Mark looked over at his nephew and nieces.

“What do you guys think then?”

“It's really cool Uncle Mark,” assured Jemma.

“Can we go in?” asked Ryan. “We brought stuff.”

“I'll be you did,” grinned Mark.

“Not now,” stopped Leanne.

“Yeah but...”

“Later maybe. We've only just arrived.”

“What about that tea you offered?” suggested Diane as a distraction.

“Yeah sure,” agreed Mark.

 

They all trooped back to the kitchen where they were greeted by the dogs once more.

“We don't let them in the pool,” explained Seb. “It's just not safe.”

“Of course,” accepted Diane.

“You hear that kids,” emphasised Leanne. “No letting the dogs in there.”

The children all nodded, not wanting to lose any privileges here. Mark sorted out the adults with tea and coffee and Seb started digging out more of the drinks they had got in for the kids while they were here.

“Why don't we go outside?” suggested Diane.

“Yeah we are a bit crowded,” agreed Mark. “Tell you what, Seb you okay with drinks? I'll sort chairs outside.”

  
  


Sebastian took over the refreshments along with Leanne and Diane while Mark took the rest out. They collected up the kitchen chairs and set them alongside the garden chairs. Then he took Fabian and Ryan to see what folding chairs they had stashed in the garage. Mark started pulling a couple out and dusting them off only to see his nephew staring open mouthed at the Porsche parked in there.

“Alright there Ryan?” smiled Mark.

“Oh my god. That's yours?”

“The car? Yeah mate.”

“Wow.”

“I've been in it,” boasted Fabian.

“Really? Oh Uncle Mark can I?”

“Oh umm.”

“You guys need any help?”

Mark turned around to see Dean stood in the doorway to the garage.

“We're fine mate.”

“Dad have you seen this?” asked Ryan excitedly.

Dean walked inside and looked where his son pointed. He smiled and nodded.

“Very nice.”

“Dad can Uncle Mark take me out in it?”

“Oh Ryan we're not here for him to give joyrides.”

“But...”

Mark looked over at Dean.

“I suppose I could if you guys don't mind.”

“Taking the kids in the car? Nah if you want to mate, be our guest. If you're taking Ryan you'll have to take the girls too though or there'll be hell to pay.”

Mark shrugged, thinking he might as well do what made them happy.

“Maybe later on then.”

Ryan beamed.

“Oh my god that's so cool.”

“Only if you behave,” warned his father. “And we've got those tents to get set up.”

“Yeah yeah I'll do that.”

“I'll help,” offered Fabian.

“Course,” smiled Mark.

“Can I come too, in the car?”

“Sure. Right come on, grab some of these chairs.”

 

  
  


Mark also grabbed up another tennis ball he spotted in a corner of the garage and once they had organised themselves to sit down with drinks he offered it to Fabian with a hint he should get Ryan to play with the dogs on the lawn. The girls were trying to act more like the grown-ups but their mother shooed them off and soon all four of the kids were running about the large garden with Shadow and Simba, lobbing tennis balls about and laughing as the dogs could hardly decide who to return them too. Leanne sipped her tea and smiled at her brother.

“Just need a bit of training,” she noted.

“The dogs?”

Leanne laughed and shook her head.

“Kids. Even the girls. Honestly you should have seen how horrified they were when they realised their phones were going to be too expensive to use over here.”

“Oh they can use our wi-fi,” offered Sebastian.

Dean shook his head.

“No mate don't go giving them the password.”

“It's an achievement to prise the things from their hands,” affirmed Leanne. “It's just be nice for them to look up for a while.”

“Look up?” frowned Seb.

Dean smiled and mimed an impression of someone glued to a small screen frantically typing away.

“Ah I see.”

“Yep, so just a few days when they can't will do them good.”

“I don't understand what's so exciting about those little phones anyway,” bemoaned Diane, “they should enjoy being out in the fresh air.”

“Mm,” agreed Leanne, thinking they'd had this discussion countless times before.

“Anyway we'll need to get cracking with those tents in a bit,” added her husband.

“They're alright with it aren't they?” asked Seb. “I mean we have actually got spare beds until Friday.”

“Oh no, best get them sorted now. I think they're looking forward to it really.”

  
  


Seb nodded, still unconvinced that his sisters would have said the same at Jemma and Abbey's age, but it did make thing simpler if they got it all arranged now.

“We thought the spot over there.”

He pointed to the far side of the lawn.

“Wherever is fine.”

“Lucky we've got this weather,” observed Diane.

“Yeah it really is,” Mark agreed. “Right, are you guys hungry? We haven't offered you any lunch.”

“Oh we had rather a late breakfast at the hotel in London.”

“Ah okay.”

“We could just sort out salad and sandwiches and stuff?” offered Sebastian.

“Good plan dear,” agreed Diane. “What about dinner?”

“We were going to make a big pasta dish.”

“Sounds lovely. I meant about sitting down. I don't think we'll all fit around that table in the kitchen.”

“Umm.”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“We could just have the kids eat first?” suggested Leanne.

Mark was looking at the garden table they kept out here now.

“Unless the weather turns I reckon we could eat out here,” he proposed.

“I'm sure that'll be fine,” agreed his mother.

“I was thinking get the tables out.”

“The kitchen table too?” asked Seb.

“Well when your folks turn up probably, but the dining table plus this ought to do us for now. Four kids at this one, the rest of us on the other.”

“Oh, yeah that works,” agreed Sebastian, quickly tallying up chairs and spaces around various tables if they brought them all outside. He looked up to the sky again and sent up a silent prayer. They were asking a lot of the British summer, but they just needed it to hold fine for a few days.

  
  


  
  


An hour later they'd called time on games with the dogs and Mark and Sebastian found themselves incapable of withstanding all the offers of help to assemble lunch and something to eat it at. Somehow it took most of the family both assisting and getting in the way to manhandle the dining table outside. At one point both Ryan and Fabian had to crawl underneath it while Mark, Dean, Seb and Leanne held either end with it on its side part-way through a doorway. Jemma and Abbey gave directions between fits of giggles and their grandparents tried to clear a path to get it through the house and into the garden. As they finally set it down on the grass Mark leaned into it and puffed a breath.

“Oh my god. I had no idea it was so heavy.”

“Hardwood,” observed his father sagely.

“Yeah. Thank god the kitchen one is pine or I'll be doing my back.”

Seb frowned at him.

“Are you alright Liebling?”

Mark straightened up and gave him a smile.

“Course. Just having a moan. Right, chairs. Kids sort them out.”

 

His sister shook her head at the way the children jumped to it for him when they were never so helpful at home, but soon they had the two tables set up with a very mismatched selection of chairs and plenty of food and more drinks laid out. The adults fitted themselves round the dining table while the kids took the smaller garden one. As they ate, Leanne smiled at Sebastian.

“Your brother speaks excellent English.”

“Oh we learn it all the way through school,” shrugged Seb. “Besides he's had plenty of practice with Mark.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Half my age and he's far better than I am in German.”

“Ah no you're very good Liebling,” argued Sebastian.

“Hm, well I'm better than I used to be.”

“Do all your family speak English?” enquired Diane.

“Yeah we're not bad.”

“For which I was very grateful first time I went to stay I can tell you,” smiled Mark.

“You put us to shame,” smiled Alan. “I barely speak English.”

His wife rolled her eyes at his usual jokes.

“When will they arrive?” she asked Sebastian.

“Friday. My sister Mel and Jan are working you see, so they've got to take time off.”

“Of course, well we're looking forwards to meeting them.”

“Mm.”

Mark saw the look in Seb's eye and patted his knee.

“We're all looking forward to it. We'll be pretty cosy though.”

“Oh that doesn't matter,” dismissed his father. “All family aren't we? What's waiting for the bathroom for five minutes? We'll be fine.”

“Well they've got three bathrooms,” noted Diane. “I don't think we're too badly off.”

“The kids'll be alright using the changing room one won't they?” checked Mark.

“Yeah course,” assured his sister.

“I thought we could just leave the back door unlocked, though they'll need to watch the dogs don't get out in the night.”

“I'll have a word, don't worry.”

“Sure. Thanks. Otherwise they'll probably just get over-excited and knock the tents down in the early hours.”

The others laughed and the children sat at the nearby other table turned to look so they had to explain. Leanne noticed that they seemed to have finished their food so she got them going clearing away and then bringing out their tents and belongings.

  
  


Before long the whole family was back trying to sort things out; laying out the two tents and an alarming array of poles and instructions. Seeing as the tents belonged to his sister's family Mark got them take the lead attempting to put them up, but it was a while since they had used them and it took nearly all of them to manage it. Once they had both tents finally assembled and tested to check they were secure, the kids climbed in and out of each and it took both Seb and Mark to hold the dogs back to prevent them from doing the same. As Ryan cheerfully popped his head out from his tent to announce that there was loads of room in there Simba pulled forwards and Mark had to haul him back by the collar. He set him down and ducked in front of him.

“No. No tents, no pool, no tripping people up,” he instructed firmly.

“Poor things,” smiled Seb, still amused that Mark had nearly gone over when the dogs had got in his way mid-construction and almost sent him right into the middle of the girls' tent.

Mark looked to the boys who were currently climbing out from inspecting their tent.

“Guys you'll have to keep them zipped up or you'll have extra guests in there.”

“I don't mind,” smiled Fabian.

“Me neither,” joined in Ryan. “There's loads of room.”

“You will mind when they knock it down when you're asleep,” pointed out Mark. “I think I'll take them in for a bit.”

 

Sebastian nearly protested, but perhaps it was best to let their pets calm down for a while? Mark walked them inside into the kitchen where he found his mother at the kitchen sink.

“Oh Mum what are you doing?”

“The washing up.”

“You didn't need to.”

“Course I did. It's fine. You're all busy. How are the tents going?”

Mark sighed, knowing there was no chance they were going to get their family to sit back and be guests.

“Pretty much done. Just need airbeds and stuff sorting.”

“Have you got enough duvets and things?”

“We bought some sleeping bags.”

“Oh Mark we're only here a few days.”

“They weren't expensive. Never know when they'll come in handy.”

“We could have brought some.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We'd have needed to send our plane for you.”

Diane laughed.

“Don't be saying that in front of the children. They'll be wanting it to get home.”

“Maybe we should have?”

“No no, don't be silly dear. We're quite happy as we are and you very kindly paid for our flights as it is.”

“Of course.”

Diane shook her head.

“It was very generous of you.”

“We wanted to see you Mum.”

Diane stepped over and gave him a hug.

“Of course you did and so did we. How are you really?”

Mark shrugged.

“We're alright. Holiday did us good.”

“I'm sure. And Seb?”

“He's okay. It really did help to get away.”

“Mm.”

Mark looked at his mother, knowing she wasn't to be fobbed off.

“It was pretty bad for a while, but he's really doing much better Mum.”

“Good, okay,” agreed Diane. “I really can't believe what happened.”

“Yeah, Mum please don't go bringing it up with him.”

“I won't.”

“It's just we're still getting past it and...”

“Darling I'm not going to say anything. That poor boy has been through quite enough. You too.”

“We're doing better. We just want to have a nice time with all you guys and not think about anything serious for a while.”

“Of course. Don't worry Mark I'm not going to bring things down. I just wanted to be sure you're all okay.”

Mark nodded. He knew his mother worried.

“Thanks, yeah we'll be alright. Come on outside. You're not here to work.”

“It's done now anyway.”

“Hmm.”

His mother smiled at him.

“Sweetheart if you and Seb are going to have a nice relaxing time while we're here you need to accept help. Otherwise you'll spend the whole time running around after everybody and end up exhausted.”

She gave him a look that Mark was more than familiar with and he nodded.

“Yeah alright. I need to grab the sleeping bags. Want to help?”

“Of course.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


It was late afternoon by the time they finally had everything sorted. Everyone had to take a turn with the foot-pump to get the blow-up beds inflated, but once that was done the adults decided to leave the kids to it while the arranged their things inside the tents and made themselves at home. Mark didn't fight his mother as she insisted on making another round of tea and the adults sat chatting at the outdoor tables whilst keeping a vague eye on the tents on the far side of the garden. Some time later Ryan and Fabian emerged looking conspiratorial.

“So, um Mark, you know how you said you'd take us out in your Porsche?” began Fabian.

Mark smiled.

“Oh so you don't want to go in the pool then?”

“The pool?” stopped Ryan. “Oh can we?”

He looked at his uncle, then his mother who smiled and opened out her hands.

“If you've sorted yourself out for tonight.”

“Yeah we have. I don't know about the girls, they're fussing over stuff, but we have haven't we Fabe?”

Mark smiled at how quickly the boys seemed to have got on.

“Tell you what, why don't we open up the pool and you can have a cool down? We can do some runs in the car tomorrow at some point when you get bored.”

  
  


That agreed the boys ran off to gather up their things and the girls appeared to be sure they didn't miss out. Shortly after all four kids were busy helping Mark and Sebastian roll the cover back on the pool.

Jemma looked out at the water and sighed.

“God you're so lucky. This is amazing.”

Mark looked to Seb.

“When we were getting stuff in we bought a few extras.”

Sebastian smiled and pointed out a pile of things they hadn't shown them before.

“What are they?” asked Abbey.

“Have a look.”

They went to the corner were they had stashed a selection of blow-up items to go in the pool. Fabian picked up what he soon saw was a large inflatable crocodile for lying on and burst out laughing. There were a couple of li-los, another inflatable shark and a couple of beach balls.

“Too old for that stuff?” asked Seb.

“No it'll be fun.”

“Yeah we can have races,” suggested Jemma.

Seeing as the eldest two had given their approval the younger ones nodded and started laying them out.

“I'll just grab the pump,” offered Seb.

Mark started opening up all the french windows onto the garden so they could keep an eye on the kids whilst sitting outside and as Seb returned they set to work again with the boys while the girls changed, then swapped places. The other adults came in to see what they were up to and Leanne laughed at the sight of the pool with all the toy inflatables chucked in.

“It looks like a kids' party,” she noted to her brother out of earshot of her children.

Mark shrugged.

“They are kids aren't they? Just a bit of fun. Good job the dogs are in the kitchen, they'd go nuts.”

“True.”

 

Leanne smiled as they watched all four children line up at the deepest part of the pool and count down to jump in at the same time, splashing into the water with shrieks and giggles. Her teenage daughters could be a nightmare at times, but her brother was right, they were still children underneath all that attitude. She thought all of them could do with a release from normal life for a while.

“Maybe we'll have to go in later?” she proposed.

“Good idea.”

Sebastian laughed at the sight of the kids already mucking about and working out the best ways to get onto the inflatables and the most amusing ways to fall off into the water. He smiled at his sister-in-law.

“It was Mark's idea to buy them.”

Leanne nodded.

“I'm not surprised. I bet you're already planning on racing them aren't you?”

“Me?” replied Mark looking innocent. “Hardly fair to race the kids. Now racing _Seb_...”

Sebastian leaned into his side with a smile. He knew that was bound to happen at some point.

  
  


 

 

  
  


  
  


The next morning Mark and Sebastian were first up. They pulled on hoodies to trek out into the garden to check that the kids had made it through the night in one piece. It wasn't yet eight am so there was dew on the grass and as they approached they could see that the tents were still zipped up, but from the boys tent they could hear a low level of noise and Mark smiled at Seb before the pair of them ducked down by the entrance.

“Knock knock,” announced Mark.

The tent went quiet then the zip was undone to reveal two boys still in their pyjamas.

“You two alright in there then?” asked Mark.

“Yeah we're alright aren't we Ryan?” replied Fabian.

“Yep.”

“Slept okay?” checked Sebastian.

“Yeah. I had to keep my socks on though.”

Mark and Sebastian laughed.

“Right, well that's not so bad is it?”

“No. Ryan was a bit cold so I told him to put his hoody on,” reported Fabian.

“You were cold?” frowned Seb.

“Only a bit. I warmed up,” assured Ryan.

“Okay.”

“If you really do get cold or it rains or anything in the night you can always just come inside and kip in the lounge or something,” offered Mark.

“Oh right, yeah okay. I think we're alright, aren't we?” replied Fabian.

“Yeah we're good. Is there any brekkie?”

 

Mark laughed at their priorities and was even more amused when the opposite tent opened up with his nieces miraculously woken at the mention of food.

“Tell you what, why don't you guys use the bathrooms while Seb and I sort some breakfast out?” offered Mark.

“Are Mum and Dad up?” asked Jemma.

“No not yet, so try to keep the noise down. I think they'd appreciate a lie in.”

“Can we go swimming again?” asked Ryan.

“Later. Right come on then you lot, let's get going before the rest get up.”

 

The kids all found trainers and hoodies to traipse into the house and while they sorted themselves out Mark and Seb set about putting trays of bacon into the oven, lining up extra-large cartons of fruit juice on the table and slicing bread. Fabian was the first back through, shortly followed by Ryan, so they set them to work laying the table and by the time the girls appeared the bacon was cooked and ready to be assembled into sandwiches.

“This alright for you?” checked Seb. “We've got loads of cereal or you could have toast?”

“Oh no this is great,” replied Abbey. “I'm starving.”

Mark smiled and handed her a plate.

“Take a seat and help yourself to drinks then.”

“Righto.”

 

Once the children were provided for, Mark put the kettle on and he and Sebastian stood leaning against the counter, smiling as the kids over at the table chatted. He made them both a cup of tea and leaned in to whisper to Sebastian.

“Your brother fits right in doesn't he?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Same age more or less. It's funny isn't it? I kind of forget.”

“Forget what?” wondered Mark.

“Just, that's he's still a kid really.”

“Ah, not that I'm so old to have older nieces and nephew?”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“No. Anyway they're my nieces and nephew too now aren't they?”

“True. Yeah I bet it's nice for him.”

“Fabe?”

“Mm, looking after Ryan like a big brother. It's sweet.”

Sebastian huffed a quiet laugh.

“Yeah just don't tell him that.”

“No okay.”

 

The dogs were busy fussing around their young visitors, sniffing for titbits which the kids were only too happy to share with them. Mark tsk'd, but he wasn't going to tell them off. After a little while the kitchen door opened and Dean appeared. Mark looked over to him.

“Oh sorry mate did we wake you?”

“I smelt bacon.”

Mark laughed as Dean leaned over his son and made a joke of trying to steal his second sandwich.

“Ah. I'll stick another batch in if you're up?” offered Mark.

“Leanne's in the shower. I can't speak for the others.”

“Ah well no rush.”

“How'd you guys get on then?” enquired Dean of the youngsters sat eating.

His children began recounting their night outdoors, the girls complaining that the boys talked too much and the boys countering that they were talking just as much.

“Maybe we should move their tents further apart?” wondered Seb.

Dean looked at him and shook his head.

“Nah they just enjoy squabbling, don't worry about it. Any more tea in that pot?”

“Oh course.”

  
  


Eventually the rest of the family appeared and the kids were turfed out into the garden to play with the dogs while the adults had their breakfast at the table, Mark joking that when the rest of Seb's lot arrived they'd either have to do several more shifts or eat in the garden. Once they'd eaten, Mark and Seb started clearing away but Leanne suggested they distract the kids from wanting to swim too soon by taking them out with the dogs. Mark knew that meant when they came back the others would have tidied and washed up, but as he walked along the footpath with Sebastian he didn't feel too guilty about it. Fabian was busily informing the others of where the route took them as if he was an expert and Mark sent Sebastian a wink to see the way Ryan was looking up at Fabian and how clearly Fabian was enjoying it.

When they got back it was to find that not only were Leanne and Diane tidying up, but Pauline was there in the kitchen with them.

“Oh gosh, Pauline we forgot,” apologised Mark. “We should have said you didn't need to come today.”

Pauline shrugged.

“I just thought I'd lend a helping hand.”

“Right, well, thanks, sorry. Mum, Leanne, this is Pauline, our housekeeper and general life-saver,” Mark introduced.

Leanne laughed and shook her head.

“Yeah we did that bit Mark, you're about half an hour too late.”

“Oh right, yeah...”

“We've been having a nice chat,” smiled Diane.

Mark nodded, wondering precisely what they had been chatting about.

“Where are the kids?” asked Leanne.

“Shot off to change for swimming.”

“Ah.”

“Where's Dad and Dean?” wondered Mark.

“Shirking in the garden,” replied his mother. “They can wash up after lunch.”

“Oh no really you're our guests,” protested Seb.

“No dear we're family. Why don't you go and watch the kids don't succeed in drowning themselves and we'll just have a little tidy round?”

“Um...”

 

Mark shook his head. Faced with three strong-minded women he knew when to accept defeat.

“You know what, why don't we have a dip too?” he suggested.

Sebastian paused, then nodded.

“Yeah alright. As long as you guys are okay here?”

“We're fine,” assured Diane. “Now then Pauline, cup of tea?”

Mark looked to Seb and gave up. They sent the dogs out to run around in the garden and said hello to Alan and Dean, then went through to change before finding a bunch of impatient kids stood waiting by the covered pool.

“I think my mum's just gonna take over,” apologised Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“And mine hasn't even arrived yet. They'll be fighting over the washing up.”

“Ah well. Can't be helped,” accepted Mark. “Right you lot. Who wants to race us on the inflatables?”

 

 

They spent the morning amusing themselves. At one point Leanne came through with a coffee and stood watching to see her younger brother pretending to race both Fabian and Ryan whilst lying balanced precariously on an inflatable shark and splashing far more than was surely necessary. Seb had climbed out to sit on the side, theoretically as the judge of the race, but mostly to laugh at them. Leanne ducked down beside him.

“Having fun?” she asked.

“Actually yeah. They're good kids.”

“Yeah they are even if I do say so myself. Good idea getting your little brother over to keep Ryan company.”

“Oh that was his idea, but he's pretty good with him isn't he?”

“Yes he is.”

Sebastian watched as his brother reached the far end of the pool and jumped off his li-lo in a victory dive.

“I think he's having as much fun as anyone. It's nice, you know with him being the youngest he kindof missed out on all this.”

“All what?”

“Having kids his own age to play with. My sisters are older than me and that's already quite a gap.” Seb turned more to look at her. “He's had too much to deal with these past few years. It's nice to see him being his age a bit more.”

 

Leanne nodded. Her own children had been upset at times with things that had gone on: teasing in school, worrying about their uncle and Ryan particularly had been frightened by the accident Sebastian had suffered last year, but she knew that must be nothing to what Fabian had been through.

“He's a nice boy,” she observed.

“Yeah he is. I missed too much of him growing up.”

“You were away a lot.”

“Mm. I guess I'm trying to make up for lost time really,” admitted Seb.

“Seb!” shouted Mark from the other end. “Stop gossiping and come and race. Fabe reckons he can beat you.”

Sebastian shrugged to his sister-in-law and slipped back into the pool.

“Duty calls,” he apologised.

Leanne shook her head. Always racing.

  
  


  
  


  
  


After lunch Mark was reminded about his offer to take his nephew and nieces out in the Porsche, though his sister put the kibosh on his suggestion that he squash all the kids in at once, so he took the girls first, Abbey fitting into the tiny back seat with her sister in the passenger seat on the understanding they would swap half-way when their uncle turned back. On their return fifteen minutes later the girls piled out giggling to find their little brother and Fabian stood impatiently on the front doorstep. Leanne heard the car and came out with the rest of the family to see the boys already climbing in. She looked to her giddy daughters and shook her head.

“He didn't go too fast did he?” she checked.

Jemma looked at her wide-eyed, still buzzing from their trip.

“No Mum.” She grinned at her sister and whispered in her ear. “Not _too_ fast.”

“Mark,” called out Leanne. “Um...”

“See you in a bit,” waved Mark already shutting the door on Ryan in the front and going round to climb into the driver's seat.

“Ah they'll be fine,” shrugged Dean.

“Hmm. Seatbelts!” called out Leanne hoping they could hear her in the car.

“They're wearing seatbelts,” assured her husband. “Stop fretting. It's Mark isn't it?”

Sebastian stood holding the dogs back with one hand and waved at his brother who gave a cheery wave from where he was crammed onto the back seat. Mark waved again, then carefully reversed out onto the lane. He straightened out the car and pootled slowly along. Ryan sat beside him frowned, thinking this wasn't quite what he'd had in mind, but as they reached the end of the lane and turned onto another road Mark glanced at Fabian in the rear-view mirror and sent him a wink before putting his foot down and the car shot off with a roar only marginally louder than the delighted whoop the two boys let out.

Back at the house the family were still just going back inside and Leanne turned around at the distant noise.

“That's not..?”

“Cup of tea?” offered Seb, ushering them all in.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


That evening they had a dummy run at using the barbecue which Dean and Alan had helped Seb and Mark to clean and set up later in the afternoon while Leanne and Diane prepared the food in the kitchen. Leanne had attempted to get her children to assist in some way but when she went outside she found them sat on a rug Seb had put out and Fabian was trying to teach the others a card game, so she left them to it, deciding they could clear up afterwards. She did persuade them to help lay the table as Alan took charge of cooking batches of chicken on the barbecue and by seven o'clock they were all tucking in and chatting happily.

As the sun went down Mark went over to the kids' table and offered them dessert.

“What is it?” asked his eldest niece.

“A surprise. You'll like it,” promised Mark.

Seb went with him into the kitchen, taking used plates with them. A few minutes later his sister came inside with the remainder of the plates and smiled to see what they were doing.

“We used to have them as kids,” she smiled.

“I know. Mark said,” agreed Seb. “I wasn't sure, but he says they're good.”

“You'll love it. So will the kids.”

Mark grinned and finished off putting the foil-wrapped items on a tray.

“I'll stick the kettle on,” offered Leanne.

“Um okay sure.”

“Tea?”

“Yeah thanks,” accepted Mark. “Seb?”

“Yep me too.”

“Righto. Oh and don't even think of letting the kids off washing up tonight. It's their turn.”

“If you say so.”

  
  


Mark took the tray outside and took it over to lay out the things above the dying embers of the barbecue. Ryan jumped up to look.

“What are they?”

“Pudding” replied Mark.

The other youngsters came over and Abbey looked at them.

“They're bananas.”

“Shush,” grinned Mark. “Besides, they're not just bananas, they're Banana Surprise.”

“What's the surprise?”

“Well I could tell you, but then...”

“He'd have to kill you,” completed Jemma.

“A bit extreme over dessert,” conceded Seb.

“True,” agreed Mark. “Now shoo shoo, go sit down. These need five minutes.”

The children went to sit back down waiting until Mark doled them out with spoons and instruction to be careful when they opened the little foil packages.

“Why?” asked Ryan.

“Might explode,” teased Mark.

Abbey leaned in to her little brother.

“Cos they're _hot_ , duh.”

“Abbey,” cautioned her mother from a few feet away.

Abbey rolled her eyes and sat back up, distracting herself by carefully opening her own little package on the table before her. Mark hadn't bothered giving the kids anything other than spoons, but Seb doled out small plates to the adults with the same advice to take care. As Diane opened hers she saw a banana still in its skin but split down the middle. It had gone gooey in the heat and as she prodded it open she let out a little laugh.

 

“Now this takes me back.”

“Banana Surprise,” smiled Mark. “Don't say I never learnt anything from you Mum.”

Sebastian opened up his own dessert and scooped up a spoonful of cooked banana, melted marshmallow and chocolate.

“Now watch, it really can be hot,” cautioned Mark.

Seb took a careful small bite, then smiled.

“Wow that's really great Liebling.”

“Mum's recipe.”

Alan laughed.

“I'm taken all the way back to the eighties.”

“Ha, me too,” agreed Dean. “I remember doing these as a kid.”

“I've never had it before,” explained Seb. “I think it must be an Aussie thing.”

“Maybe. Either that or it's just retro,” allowed Mark.

Dean laughed.

“Do you even remember the nineteen eighties Seb?”

“Um, well I was born in 1987.”

“Bloody hell, that's depressing,” laughed his brother-in-law.

“What year were you born?”

“1972.”

“Oh.”

“Oh indeed. Ha, never mind mate.”

“Don't ask when I was born,” warned Leanne.

“I wouldn't dream of it,” assured Seb.

“Very wise,” smiled Mark.

“I mean if I had to guess I'd hazard somewhere in the late eighties, possibly early nineties.”

Leanne laughed and patted Seb's arm.

“That would rather bring into question Jemma being born in 1999, but thank you Seb.”

“Flatterer,” teased Mark.

Sebastian smiled and took another spoonful of dessert.

“We never have pudding,” he noted as he ate it.

“Well we're allowed to break the diet occasionally aren't we?”

“We did that last week.”

“True, only a little bit.”

“Oh you should enjoy yourselves,” asserted Alan. “Life's too short.”

 

Mark put an arm around Seb without even thinking about it and his mother noticed the way he looked at him.

“So Seb dear, looking forward to the rest of your family arriving tomorrow?” she picked up.

“Oh um, yeah of course.”

“We will feel busy,” noted Mark.

“Well anything we can do to help, make sure you let us.”

Mark looked over to the other table.

“How are you guys getting on over there?”

There was an approving chorus and Mark smiled.

“Bribing with sweet things, always works.”

 

Leanne left it ten minutes, then went over to the other table.

“Right, if you lot are done I think you should say thank you to your Uncle Mark and then it's your turn to wash up.”

She received a few sighs, but they got up and offered thanks over to the other table as they all began to gather more things up.

“Oh Fabian I didn't mean you. I meant my lot,” she apologised.

“Oh no that's okay.”

The younger ones carried things inside and Leanne looked to Sebastian.

“Sorry Seb I didn't mean to order your little brother around.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Don't worry about it. Actually I suspect he's having a bit of a rest while he's here.”

“Oh?”

“Poor young Fabe is a bit put apon isn't he?” noted Mark.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“Just with him being the youngest, but I think he gets tired of it.”

The sound of laughter floated out from inside and Mark noticed that the dogs had gone in to join them.

“I don't think he'll be complaining tonight.”

Leanne peered in the direction of the open back door.

“I'm not sure how much work they're doing.”

Mark shrugged.

“Ah well, as long as they don't break all the plates.”

More laughter and giggles could be heard from inside and Leanne shook her head, but she wasn't going to go and watch over them. Mark was right, it didn't really matter. Maybe she should let herself off serious mum duty for a while too? Her brother and Seb weren't the only ones in need of a break.

  
  


 

* * *

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if people are actually around to read this and are caught up, let me know and I'll post the next bit that should be ready soon seeing as these bits really all run into one.


	163. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, hope folk aren't all off on hols or watching the Olympics as here's the next part for you...

 

* * *

 

  
  


The following day Mark and Sebastian attempted a bit of a tidy up around the place whilst Leanne and Dean kept an eye on the kids having their swim in the pool. They knew it was only more family arriving, but Seb wanted the place to look nice for his mother. The bedrooms were all ready for them thanks to Pauline, so there wasn't that much to do, but as they sat down with a cup of coffee Seb felt better for it.

“You're not nervous are you sweetheart?” checked Mark.

Seb shrugged.

“I dunno. I mean no.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and shook his head.

“It's only your family.”

“I know, but meeting your family.”

“I'm fairly sure some of them must have met before at races,” pointed out Mark.

“Yeah but officially.”

“You mean with us being official?”

“Yeah.”

Mark let out a little sigh and took Sebastian's hand.

“It's no big deal. There's nothing new here.”

“I know.”

“And your folks have been here before.”

“I know, I know. I'm just being silly.”

Mark shook his head.

“Sweetheart it'll be fine. We're just going to have a nice time.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I know.”

“Once everyone's settled in it'll be fine.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Stop fretting. They're not due for another hour anyway.”

“Do you think I should have offered to go collect them from the airport?”

“Darling you _did_ offer. There's too many of them to fit in the car anyway.”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“It's nothing major to get a taxi.”

Seb nodded. His family had said the same. It was just he always felt as though he ought to be doing more for them.

“Come on, let's take these through and see how they're getting on in the pool,” suggested Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

  
  


They took their coffees through to the pool to find the kids messing about while Leanne and Dean attempted to do slightly more sedate laps. Mark's parents were sat on the side, amusing themselves by watching proceedings.

“Not tempted to go in Dad?” asked Mark as he and Seb sat with them.

“Oh not for me. Kids are happy though aren't they?”

They looked to see Ryan attempting to stand balanced on one of the li-los in the centre of the pool, Fabian and the girls holding it in place before ducking out of the way as he wobbled and splashed into the water with a yell.

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Yep they seem pretty happy to me.”

He looked to Seb by his side and was glad to see him smiling at the sight as well. Fabian was now attempting the same thing, lasting only seconds longer before he too plummeted into the water accompanied by laughter. Sebastian laughed along with everyone else and told himself off for taking everything far too seriously. It was just family. It was going to fine like Mark said. He needed to relax and stop worrying so much.

  
  


  
  


Those that had been in the pool were only just out and dressed when cars were heard on the drive and Sebastian rushed to the front door ready to greet the rest of his family arriving. Mark stood with him as they opened the door and fitted his arm around Seb to give him a quick squeeze as they waved hello, then they went out to properly greet them and offer to help carry bags into the house.

Mark's family had retreated to sit in the garden to give them space but at the sound of a baby crying they turned and stood to see Seb leading his family out to meet them. There was an awkward pause then both Mark and Sebastian started up introductions and there was a round of shaken hands and hellos as everyone tried to break the ice. Fabian walked up to his sister Mel and shook her hand.

“Hello I'm Fabian.”

Mel rolled her eyes and batted him on the arm as he laughed.

“Idiot,” she dismissed. “Made yourself at home then?”

“Yeah that's my home over there.”

Fabian pointed to the tents over on the far side of the lawn and his sister nodded.

“I'm in the dining room for the duration, so I wouldn't complain.”

“I'm not complaining.”

“Been having fun then?”

“Yeah actually.”

 

Melanie nodded and looked over to the others. Her sister was receiving much of the attention from Mark's family, or more accurately, Sofie was as Diane, Leanne and the girls cooed over her and asked for holds. The baby seemed so taken aback by being passed around that she quieted down, busily staring out at all the new faces in her life. Ryan came over to Fabian, slightly less enamoured of the baby and stuck his hand out to greet his older sister.

“Hello.”

Melanie smiled at him and shook his hand.

“Hello. You must be Ryan.”

“How did you know?”

Melanie laughed.

“A very difficult process of elimination, also your mum pointed you out when she said hello before.”

“Oh right, yeah.”

“I'm Mel, one of Seb's sisters and indeed Fabian's. You having fun too then?”

“Yeah it's great. Have you seen the pool?”

“Not yet.”

“We'll show you, won't we Fabe?”

Fabian smiled at his sister.

“Yeah come on then.”

 

Sebastian saw his brother and Ryan leading Melanie inside, but there were so many of them here he decided to leave them to it. His mother and Mark's mother were exchanging views on their various flights to get here while Leanne got another hold of Sofie and bemoaned the fact that her own children weren't so little any more to Stefanie who in turn was saying how polite Leanne's girls were. Alan stood with Norbert and huffed a laugh.

“Well they'll all be happy with a baby to fuss over.”

“Yes indeed,” agreed Norbert. “You know we have met before.”

Alan nodded.

“I can't place when. Some race no doubt, probably more than once, but then we were on opposite sides of the garage weren't we?”

“Mm.”

Alan looked to his son who was stood with Seb and Jan.

“Not on opposite sides any more,” he noted.

“No, well, that all seems a long time ago doesn't it?”

“It does,” agreed Alan.

 

A few feet away Sebastian took a hold of Mark's arm as they stood half chatting with Jan, half watching how everyone was getting on. Mark gave him smile.

“See? It's fine sweetheart,” he assured quietly.

Seb nodded and felt himself relaxing. It had been ridiculous to worry. Everyone was getting along just fine. A couple of minutes later his sister Mel came out accompanied by the two boys. She came up to Seb and Mark.

“Wow.”

“We showed her the pool,” explained Fabian.

“Ah did you?” smiled Mark. “Getting ahead of us.”

“The fabled pool,” joked Jan.

“Perhaps we should show everyone around?” suggested Seb.

Mark puffed a breath and looked around at people still politely chatting.

“Five minutes.”

  
  


A short while later Mark and Sebastian gave the aforementioned tour to their newest visitors who made the requisite appreciative comments at seeing their new extension. As they stood in the extension Heike commented that she had no doubt Fabian had hardly been out of the pool to which Leanne made a point of telling her what a help Fabian had been in looking after Ryan and helping him feel at home.

“Has he?”

“Oh yes. Ryan's always slightly aggrieved that he only has sisters so it's been lovely for him. They've been getting on like a house on fire,” assured Leanne.

“Well, that's nice to hear,” accepted Heike looking over at her youngest son showing the inflatables to his sisters and Jan, making them laugh by telling them how they had been racing on them.

  
  


Diane had stayed back to start making tea and coffee and she appeared to check if anyone was ready for it. Seeing as his parents had been here before Seb persuaded them to go and have a sit down while he showed the others the rest of the house, taking bags up to kill two birds with one stone. The older generation took seats out in the garden with their drinks, making polite conversation while Leanne insisted on sorting out lunch in the kitchen with help from her daughters.

A few minutes later Diane turned her head to see Seb and Mark come out. She opened her mouth slightly at seeing Sebastian was now carrying the baby. He and Mark sat down on chairs a little way over and Diane had to stop herself from commenting on how pleased they suddenly looked.

“Is Stef unpacking?” enquired Heike.

Sebastian looked up from where he had been gazing at the baby held in his arms.

“Hm? Oh yeah we said we'd take her and let them get things sorted.”

Heike nodded, then exchanged a look with Diane by her side, both of them deciding that it was best to make no further comment.

 

Sebastian let out a sigh and Mark leaned into him a fraction.

“Alright now sweetheart?”

“Yeah. I knew I was being silly,” conceded Seb.

“Nah. It's fine. We haven't even got to the sorting out stuff for everyone else coming tomorrow yet.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Oh god don't start.”

Mark laughed with him and shook his head.

“It's fine. We've tested the barbecue, we've got a ridiculously large food order getting delivered in the morning and we now have a small army of helpers to get it all ready.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I know.”

He smiled down at Sofie who chose to smile back at him.

“Some of them very small,” joked Mark offering out a hand for her to grab a finger.

Sofie smiled even wider and let out a little gurgle.

“Oh my gosh Liebling, she laughed,” exclaimed Seb. “I don't think I've ever heard her laugh before.”

Mark smiled and did the little movement again, getting the same reaction.

“Yeah you're getting big aren't you kiddo?”

Seb shifted her up a fraction.

“She really is.”

“Want me to take her?”

“No I'm okay.”

Mark nodded and Seb saw the note in his smile.

“You can have a hold in a minute,” he offered.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“That's alright darling. I'm sure she's going to feel like pass the parcel this weekend.”

“Good job she's cheered up a bit,” noted Seb.

“Ah well I'm sure they save that for their parents.”

Seb gave a bigger smile to the baby and was secretly thrilled when she seemed to smile back.

“She's so gorgeous.”

“She is,” agreed Mark. “Lovely little thing.”

Sebastian sighed and lifted her up knowing he was hogging their niece.

“Okay you can have a go,” he offered.

Mark took the baby and held her against his chest letting the Sofie rest the side of her face into his shoulder. He leaned in and snuffled his nose against hers succeeding in getting her to lift a hand to bat at his face.

“Argh,” joked Mark. “Help, I'm being attacked.”

Sebastian laughed and moved to take the little hand, getting her to look at him.

“Poor Onkel Mark.”

“Thank you sweetheart. Little monster. How am I meant to stand up to you eh?”

He leaned into her once more and Sebastian did the same, getting her to gurgle a laugh again.

  
  


A few feet back Stef had come downstairs from unpacking and stood with Leanne in the kitchen doorway watching on.

“They're very good with her,” observed Leanne.

“Yeah. Whenever we see them it's the same. They can't get enough.”

The two women looked at one another and Leanne sighed.

“Ah dear.”

“Have they said anything?” asked Stef. “While you're here I mean?”

“Nope. Totally avoided the topic. I thought it best not to bring it up.”

“Mm. Did they say about...” Stef glanced back to the girls busily making sandwiches a little way over in the kitchen and whispered. “You know, what happened before they went away?”

Leanne shook her head.

“No. I think they just want to try to forget it.”

“Yeah.”

Stef nodded and looked over at Mark and Seb with the baby again.

“They just need a break from all the craziness.”

“I think the holiday did them good,” offered Leanne.

“Yeah but more than that, you know, a proper break. I mean all that seems to come their way. It's too much.”

“Yes.” Leanne looked on for another moment then gave Stefanie a smile. “Just got to help out where we can haven't we?”

“True.”

 

Leanne turned back to look into the kitchen to where her two daughters were fussing over getting drinks.

“Where's your brother got to?”

Jemma looked up and shrugged.

“Dunno. Where are the dogs?”

Leanne frowned. The dogs had been thrilled and over-excited beyond measure when everyone arrived, hardly knowing who to nose into and get strokes from first as their masters introduced them to yet more people.

“Maybe they sent them off out of the way?” suggested Stef. “I'll go ask. You don't need any help do you?”

“Oh no, we've got it,” assured Leanne.

 

Stefanie walked over to her brother and Mark.

“Hey.”

“Oh hey. Do you want her back?” offered Seb who had now taken Sofie to hold himself again.

“No you're welcome. My arms are getting a nice rest thanks.”

“Where's Jan?”

“He's assembling the travel cot,” explained Stef. “I offered to help but apparently it's easier without my advice so...”

Mark huffed a laugh and pulled over a chair for her to sit down. Stef sat back and let out a sigh.

“Nice to stop for a bit,” she commented.

“Can we get you anything?” offered Mark.

“Oh no I'm fine. Just a sit down without somebody crying, vomiting or dribbling on me is nice.”

“Jan not a good flyer?” joked Mark.

Stef laughed and shook her head.

“I'm telling him that one.”

“Sorry.”

“Oh no, he'll like it,” assured Stefanie.

“Is Mel really okay with a camp-bed in the dining room?” asked Seb. “I feel a bit bad about her getting the short straw.”

“She's fine. It's only a couple of nights isn't it?” assured Stef.

“Mm okay.”

“Where's Fabe got to?”

Sebastian frowned.

“That's a good point.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“It is quiet isn't it? Where's Ryan too?”

“We thought you might have sent them to give the dogs a walk,” commented Stef.

“Oh, well that's an idea, but no we didn't.”  
  


All three of them glanced around, but all they saw was Melanie coming out to join them.

“Mel you didn't pass Fabe did you?” asked Seb.

“No, why?”

“They've disappeared.”

“They'll turn up.”

Sebastian frowned.

“I hope they've not gone in the pool unless Dean is watching them.”

“I'm sure they're fine.”

“Hmm.”  
  


Mark frowned over in the direction of the tents, then stood up. The other three looked where he was looking and stood with him, Stef taking the baby back as they walked over to investigate. As they got close they heard conversation and Mark shook his head as they ducked down to look into the tent. Inside the two boys were sat with the dogs piled around them. Fabian and Ryan were so intent on the card game they were playing it took Mark clearing his throat for them to turn around to see everyone looking in on them.

“Oh hello,” greeted Fabian cheerily.

Mark shook his head.

“We thought we'd lost you.”

“Oh no, just there were so many people about.”

“You thought you'd make yourself scarce?”

Fabian shrugged and Mel laughed.

“I bet you thought Mum'd give you jobs to do.”

“Maybe, anyway...”

Fabian looked out at the group and saw his eldest sister standing behind the others holding Sofie. He looked back to Ryan.

“Have you met my niece?”

“Oh um yeah. Does she want to come in here?”

Stefanie laughed and shook her head.

“No she's fine thanks. You two look very cosy. This where you've been staying then?”

“Yep,” smiled Fabian. “You can come in if you like, though there's not all that much space.”

“Didn't we say to keep the dogs out?” Seb reminded them.

“They like it,” justified Fabian.

“Hmm.”

Fabian looked to Mark who shrugged.

“Hey if you guys want them fine, but don't come complaining if their claws burst your beds.”

“They're being good,” commented Ryan.

“They are aren't they?” agreed Mark reaching in to give Shadow and Simba a little rub. “Yeah fair enough. You might want to come out of hiding soon though seeing as I think lunch is in the offing.”

“Oh is it?”

Mark smiled and shook his head at the others as he got up.

“Mystery solved,” he noted.

They walked back over knowing that the boys would follow when lunch appeared.

  
  


  
  


After everyone had eaten, Dean suggested playing a game to keep people occupied and though Sebastian protested, Mark found a battered old cricket bat in the garage and the Aussie half of the family attempted to teach the German side how to play the game. To make things fair they tried to split teams with those who knew how to play with those who didn't, though Mark and Seb were surprised to find that Jan had played cricket at school and was a handy batsman. Sebastian stuck with Mark and predictably Ryan and Fabian insisted on being on their team. Dean bagsied Jan after seeing him hit only one practise shot and made up the rest of his team with his father-in-law and daughters. Stef used the excuse of Sofie to escape joining in and sat on the far side out of the way with Heike and Diane, but Leanne and Mel were roped in to field despite Mel saying she hadn't the first clue what she was meant to be doing.

Seeing as half of them were in the same boat the game was very stop-start as the Aussie contingent had to keep reminding the others what to do next, but both Seb and Fabian put their sporting talents to good use even if they did have to be coached through it, Mark yelling at them to run or stop, causing much amusement to those watching on. With so many competitive spirits present the game stretched for much of the afternoon. Melanie claimed she had no more idea what the game really involved by the end, but it did prove fun and as they sat down on the grass with drinks afterwards Sebastian thought he couldn't remember laughing as much in quite some time.

He leaned into Mark and rested his head sideways onto his shoulder as they looked out at Ryan and Fabian who were still trying to train Shadow and Simba to field the ball with varying results. Mark cast a look down at him.

“Energy of youth.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah.”

“I keep thinking we'll wear them out but they keep on going.”

“We're clearly feeding them too much,” noted Seb.

“Must be it.”  
  


  
  


Mark and Sebastian tried to make an early start on preparing dinner, but first Diane came through into the kitchen and then Heike joined them and they found themselves pushed out. As Diane stirred a pan of softening vegetables to go into the couscous salad she looked over to her son and Seb who were putting more bottles in the fridge to chill.

“I think the others were planning on having a dip before dinner. Why don't you go join then?” she suggested.

Mark surveyed the array of dishes covering the counters.

“Oh well we should...”

“We've got this, haven't we?

Diane looked to her counterpart who nodded and Mark and Sebastian felt they had little choice but to obey. As they went to change into their swimwear in their room Seb looked to Mark.

“They were talking all afternoon. What do you think they were saying?”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno darling, mum stuff.”

“About us?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Probably. Not much we can do about that.”

“Hmm.”

“They could have been discussing the weather for all I know.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I suppose. I guess it's nice that they're getting on.”

“Course it is. Right, shall we go down?”

Sebastian nodded again. It was good to see their families seeming to rub along so well together, but their was a part of him that wanted to earwig what they were saying. Maybe that was just his old paranoia at play. There was every chance his mother was talking about any of her children or indeed anything at all. Maybe it was just the weather? He had to let it go.  
  


  
  


As they walked into the swimming pool area they saw that not only were the four youngsters in the water, but Seb's sisters, Jan and baby Sofie too. The latter group were sticking to the shallow end while the others had a slightly more sedate play on the far side so they didn't accidentally send the beach ball they were tapping about in the direction of the baby. Mark and Seb sat down on the edge of the pool saying hello before sliding in to join them.

Stef had hold of Sofie who was wearing a tiny red and white polka dotted swimming costume with little frills at the side. The baby was clearly loving being in the warm water, splashing her chubby little legs and arms and laughing as she did so.

“Someone looks happy,” noted Mark as they bobbed in the water beside them.

“Oh she loves it, don't you?” smiled Stefanie.

Sebastian ducked down lower beside and laughed as the little girl smacked her hand onto the surface of the water and squealed with delight to see the water splosh into his face.

“Ha, thank you Schätzchen.”

“Terror,” grinned her father, taking Sofie from his partner to bounce her about.

Mark smiled and put an arm around Seb in the water, glad to see how much use the pool was getting. They passed the time chatting about inconsequential things, Sofie getting plenty of attention as the adults took turns holding her up in the water and amusing her in whatever way they could think of. When Seb got hold of her he held her under her arms and played a game of whooshing her through the water at chest height as if she was swimming, passing her back and forth to Mark and pulling faces to make her laugh as they turned her around.

“Water-baby,” commented Mark. “Ha, what is that in German? Wasser...baby?”

“Wasserratte,” translated Mel.

“Really? Oh dear, poor little thing, I don't think you're a rat are you?” smiled Mark.

Stef smiled and shook her head.

“It doesn't really mean that. I'm not sure it translates. She definitely is one though, yeah.”

Mark passed her back the baby and Stef gave her a smile and a kiss.

“Meine kliene Wasserratte.”

The baby gurgled some appreciative noises and Jan gave her cheek a rub, continuing in German.

“She certainly is. I don't think she'll want to leave.”

Mark saw the way Seb looked over and gave him a little half hug.

“I think you're definitely a water rat too.”

“Yeah guess so.”

“And there I was thinking you were a fish.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“I guess it's a funny phrase when you think about it. Maybe I prefer being a fish?”

 

Fabian suddenly appeared by them.

“Are you talking about the fish?”

“Huh?” frowned Seb.

“The fish in the pool. Have you shown them yet?”

“Oh. No.”

Fabian looked over to the others.

“They've got these cool little fish mosiacs on the bottom of the pool, come and look.”

Stefanie looked at Seb rather than their youngest brother.

“Really?”

“Yeah it's just a couple. They're at the deepest bit.”

“You have to dive down. Come on,” encouraged Fabian.

 

Stefanie sighed and passed Sofie over to Sebastian knowing Fabian wanted to show them and wouldn't be happy until they obliged. As Jan and Mel went with them Sebastian bobbed the baby up and down to amuse her.

“Hello Wasserratte.”

Mark huffed a laugh and moved in.

“She's like you then sweetheart.”

“Yeah.”

Mark ducked lower into the water until at nose level, then popped back out to make Sofie laugh again.

“Bob bob bob,” he teased, getting her to splash at him.

Sebastian moved her back and forth as Mark did it again.

“Bob bob bob.”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“What are you saying to her?”

Mark shrugged.

“No idea. Bob bob bob.”

The baby splashed again.

“Ba ba ba!” she burbled.

They both stopped and looked at her, then each other.

“She's copying you,” exclaimed Seb.

“Ha, I think she's just making noises,” dismissed Mark.

“No she is,” insisted Seb, dipping down to be level with her so she could see his mouth moving to try to get her to copy him. “Ba ba ba.”

“Bababa,” repeated the baby.

“See?”

 

Sebastian continued repeating the noise to encourage Sofie until his sister returned, the other two having been dragged off to join in the game at the far end. She smiled to see her brother trying to communicate with the baby.

“Having fun?” she teased.

“She's nearly talking,” announced Seb.

“Gurgling,” Mark amended.

“Well making noises anyway. Look: Ba ba ba.”

“Bababah,” echoed Sofie, ending her pronouncement with a splash.

“Yep, very impressive,” smiled Stef.

Seb looked at her.

“Does she do it lots?” he enquired.

“More and more. If she's in the mood. She is nearly six months now.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Be mama before you know it,” commented Mark.

“Probably,” agreed Stefanie before looking back at her daughter. “All these grown-ups talking to you all the time, hmm? You going to say hello back one day soon Sofie? Hmm? Mama.”

“Bababa,” burbled Sofie.

Stef laughed and shook her head.

“Not yet it seems.” She looked over the baby's head to Mark and Sebastian. “They're nice, your little touch of the fishes.”

“Oh, thanks. Yeah Mark's idea,” explained Seb.

Stefanie nodded and glanced at the fishes they had tattooed on their wrists.

“Cos you like swimming so much?”

“Um, not exactly.”

Sebastian gave no further explanation so Stefanie just nodded and went back to amusing her daughter and chatting about who would be coming the following day with her brother and Mark.

  
  


After a while Leanne came through to check on her children and stood half watching them happily messing about at the far end and half watching her brother amusing the baby and talking with Stef and Seb. It struck her that she had never seen Mark speaking German before and though she knew little of it herself Leanne thought he looked pretty comfortable conversing in it, as indeed he did generally. She smiled to see him pulling faces at Sofie, remembering how good her brother had been with her own children when they were tiny. It was such a shame they lived so far away. It would make life much easier if they were all closer.

When, as they all hoped, Mark and Sebastian became parents themselves, it would be much better if she could be around to help out and offer support. Leanne wondered whether she really ought to ask how things were progressing, but then the last conversation they had had on the matter had been rather fraught and with all the upset that had gone on lately perhaps a little less attention on the matter might be wise? They certainly looked happy now. Leanne smiled and gave the group a wave, deciding to leave well alone for once. They deserved a spell of ordinary family time without bringing any more stress into it.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Later on Fabian came into the kitchen to help his brother making drinks while people sat outside.

“Hey, want a hand?” offered Fabian.

“Um, yeah you could get those trays down there.”

Seb pointed to the side of the kitchen unit where a couple of trays were stashed and Fabian put them on the counter, moving glasses to fill them.

“You having a nice time?” checked Sebastian.

“Yeah great. It's nice to have the others here.”

“Mark's nephew and nieces?”

“Yeah. Well there yours now too aren't they?”

“Course. Good, well you're being a big help looking after them, Ryan especially.”

“That's alright, I don't mind. He's a nice kid.”

“Yeah he is. I know he's a bit younger than you.”

“Nah that's alright. We're just mucking about and I think, I dunno, with having older sisters he doesn't act so young.”

“Yeah, like you then.”

Fabian laughed and nodded.

“Guess so. And the girls are alright. They're quite sporty.”

“Sporty?”

“Yeah you know, fit and sort of outgoing and stuff. Very friendly.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“You don't fancy them do you?”

“What? No.”

“I mean I'm sure they're quite pretty but...”

Fabian shook his head.

“No way, they're like family aren't they?”

“Yeah exactly.”

“I don't fancy them,” assured Fabian. “That'd be weird. They're like, well I don't know what relations we are, but we are related aren't we?”

“Yeah we are.”

“Right so it's fine.”

“Okay, good. Sorry.”

Fabian shook his head.

“You know just cos I'm straight doesn't mean I fancy every girl I see.”

Sebastian looked at him and coughed a laugh.

“Ah, ha touché Fabe.”

Fabian shrugged, “works both ways doesn't it?”

“Course.”

“Anyway...” Fabian stopped.

“What?”

Fabian smiled then looked embarrassed.

“Um I'm sort of seeing someone.”

Sebastian's eyebrows shot up.

“Oh my god, really?”

“Well don't sound quite so surprised.”

“No no of course not. That's great. What's her name?”

“Ana. She's the girl I told you about ages ago.”

“Oh right. That's great. How come you haven't mentioned it?”

 

Fabian coughed a laugh and gave his brother a look. Sebastian sighed.

“Yeah sorry, I know that sounds pretty hypocritical.”

“No that's okay. Well, the things is I _think_ we're seeing each other, but, well it's not completely clear. I mean I'm not sure if I could call her my girlfriend.”

“Okay.”

“Don't take the piss.”

“I'm not. So things are a bit complicated then?”

 

Sebastian leaned against the counter and looked at his brother being sure not to smile too much.

“Go on, tell me if you want to. Maybe I can help?” he offered.

“With all your experience with girls?”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah alright.”

“No it's okay. So um, right yeah we have been seeing each other quite a bit, especially towards the end of term, but mostly it seems to end up being with other people around,” explained Fabian.

“Ah right. Not actual dates then?”

Fabian puffed a breath.

“Well I have asked her to do stuff, like hanging out and that, but she always seems to show up with her friends.”

“Ah.”

“We have kissed at a party.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Nothing really serious, but... yeah. So I don't know how we stand now.”

“When did you kiss her?”

“It was a party for the start of the holidays.”

“Ah okay, so not long ago.”

“No, and then her family went away on holiday and yeah...” trailed off Fabian.

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay and have you been in touch?”

“I sent her a couple of texts.”

“And she replied?”

“Yeah.”

“Saying?”

Fabian shrugged.

“Just normal stuff, what she was up to on holiday.”

“Right, so friendly then.”

“Yeah. I mean we are friends.”

“Okay and she knows you like her?”

Fabian scrunched his face.

“I'd hope so.”

“Didn't you tell her when you kissed her?”

“Um, well, no. I was kindof busy kissing her.”

 

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Yeah fair point, but since then?”

“Not really. I think it'd be weird to just say that in a text.”

“Mm true and you can't really tell tone in a text,” agreed Seb. “Okay well I'm no expert but I'd say you need to do something about it. I mean if you've liked her all this time.”

“Yeah.”

“And I'm presuming she didn't object to being kissed?”

Fabian pulled a face.

“She seemed pretty keen at the time.”

“Well, that's good. Okay so if you're still talking, even if it is by text, then maybe she's waiting for you to make a move?”

“Do you think?”

“If you were her wouldn't you be?”

“I guess.”

“You haven't seen her since?”

“No she was away and then I'm here aren't I?”

“Right. So when you get back?”

Fabian nodded.

“I just... I'm not sure what to do.”

“You want to be more than friends.”

“Right, but I've wanted that for ages.”

“Well if she kissed you back I'd say there's a better than outside chance she wants the same,” suggested Seb.

Fabian puffed a breath.

“Yeah okay. So what should I do?”

“Well as a non-expert I would suggest asking her out. You know, properly.”

“Mm.”

“Not a good idea?”

“No it is. I just need the nerve to do it.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“What's the worst that could happen?”

“Dunno. She could say no.”

“So you've lost nothing.”

“Maybe. I do like her as a friend.”

“Which is great, but you probably need to tell her it's more than that.”

“Mm. I just... Like before I've asked her to do stuff and she brought her friends.”

“Well maybe she was nervous?”

 

Fabian paused and thought about that.

“I'm not that scary.”

“No but maybe she wasn't sure whether you were really asking her out.”

“Mm. So I should be more specific? Thing is I don't want to come on too strong.”

“No, fair enough. Well why not ask her if she'd like to meet up for a coffee to catch up on how you've spent your summers. That'd give you plenty to talk about. That's not so scary is it?”

“No that sounds good, but what about the friends?”

“Well ask her. Either ring, or I don't know if texting is easier, text, but if she says yes, which I bet she will, then you can just say something along the lines of 'great, it'll be good to catch up, just the two of us without everyone else around for once'.”

 

Sebastian looked to his brother.

“What do you think?” he pushed.

“Yeah, yeah okay that sounds alright.”

“That way it's still pretty relaxed, but it gives her a back out.”

“You mean saying no,” frowned Fabian.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Well that would be pretty direct, but no I was thinking if she's unsure she can't ignore you saying it'd just be the two of you.”

“Oh so if she replies saying her friends are coming then I know it's no go?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Kinda. I bet she doesn't though. I reckon she's been waiting for you to do something. If she took time out from her holiday to text you she definitely likes you.”

 

Fabian couldn't stop a smile appearing on his face.

“Yeah.”

“And you like her?”

“Yeah.”

“So there we go. It's just a suggestion.”

“No it's good. Otherwise I'll just be stuck.”

“Stuck?”

“In the friendzone.”

“Ah.” Sebastian smiled and laughed. “Yeah well time to be brave and take a little risk maybe?”

“Mm.” Fabian looked at him. “You and Mark were friends weren't you?”

“Yeah.”

“So how did you change that?”

Seb laughed.

“Ah well we're not the best example.”

“Oh?”

“Mm. You we were just as bad as you. We were both stuck worrying about being friends and whether the other person wanted more in the same way.”

“What did you do?”

“I kissed him.”

“Just like that?” frowned Fabian.

“Sort of. It was New Year's Eve.”

“Oh so it was for that?”

“No not really. I just sort of looked at him, well we looked at each other and I think somehow I knew.”

“Knew what?”

“That I had to kiss him.”

“And things just went from there?”

“Yeah. He kissed me back and yeah, we just knew.”

“Didn't you talk?”

“Yeah we talked.”

“So did you just tell him you liked him?”

 

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head, trying not to smile too much as he thought how that had happened right here in this kitchen that night. He wasn't about to share the details of what happened next with his little brother.

“Yeah, well he told me first really.”

“That he liked you?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Actually he told me he was in love with me.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Just like that?”

Seb shrugged.

“There was a whole lot of history there already you know.”

“Yeah.”

“I mean we'd lived together for six months and really spent most of the previous year together. We hadn't just taken that leap without building up to it.”

“Right. Wow though, that's great. Did you tell him you loved him back?”

“Yeah. Thank god we both felt the same way right?”

“Yeah I'll say,” agreed Fabian.

“Anyway, like I said, we're not a proper example. I wouldn't recommend leaping in and telling this girl you love her right away.”

 

Fabian laughed.

“Um, no, I just fancy her, well I like her. She is really cool and smart and pretty and yeah...”

Seb smiled at his brother running on.

“Right. All sounds great.”

“But I mean, I dunno.”

Seb shook his head.

“You're seventeen Fabe. Liking someone is quite enough for now. Just see how it goes, yeah?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“No problem. I hope it works.”

“Me too.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Yeah well don't blame me if it doesn't.”

“I won't. Okay, oh, um, don't tell Mum and Dad will you?”

“Course not.”

“Or Mel and Stef?”

“Fabe I won't. Course not.”

“Thanks, it's just you know what they're like.”

“Sure. Mel and Stef aren't so bad though.”

“No but still...”

“Yeah alright,” agreed Seb. “Can I tell Mark?”

“Um.”

“If you don't want me to?”

“No it's okay, yeah you can tell Mark. I know you tell him everything anyway.”

“Not if you asked me not to,” assured Seb.

“Thanks. Okay, that's fine. Thank you. I do appreciate you kind of helping.”

“Kind of,” smiled Seb.

“No I mean you are. It sort of feels better to have told someone.”

Sebastian looked at him more seriously.

“Yeah I know what you mean. You can always tell me stuff you know?”

“Yeah, thanks. And you too.”

Sebastian nodded. Sometimes he felt guilty that there was so much he hadn't told his younger brother, but he really was little more than a kid, even if he was pretty mature. It wasn't fair to burden him with the horrors of his past. Fabian was too young to handle such knowledge. He deserved to be a kid just mucking about and enjoying himself like he had been this week. Seb didn't like that his little brother worried about him as he knew he did. Fabian had already had to grow up too much. It was already quite enough he carried. Seb knew he would just have to carry his own hidden past and the guilt that came with hiding it to spare him. He had Mark and he helped carry the weight of Seb's past. That was enough for now.

 

Before Fabian could step away Sebastian surprised him by giving him a hug. As he let him go Fabian looked back at his older brother.

“You're alright aren't you?” he checked. “I mean after everything that happened.”

“Yeah I'm okay,” Seb assured him.

Fabian looked at him, wondering what he could ask without upsetting his brother when their mother had warned him off bringing up any difficult topics while they were here.

“Fabe I'm alright, really. Holiday did us good.”

“Okay.”

“I'm sorry we just sort of dumped it on you over the phone and then disappeared off,” apologised Sebastian.

“No that's okay. I get why you needed the holiday.”

Seb huffed a dry little laugh.

“Yeah.”

Fabian shrugged a shoulder awkwardly.

“At least he's gone right? He can't do anything any more.”

“Yeah.”

“I know it's horrible he was still stalking you and... I can't imagine having to... I mean at the police station, having to do the identification.”

A look passed over Sebastian's face and Fabian regretted bringing it up.

“Sorry,” he apologised.

“No it's okay. You're right. He's gone now, so you don't need to worry about any of that, he can't do anything any more. It's over.”

“Right, good, well I'm glad.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Aren't you?” frowned Fabian.

“Of course, yeah it's a big relief not to... I don't know, I guess just to know that's all over.”

“Sure.”

“Anyway don't worry about me, I'm fine,” insisted Seb. “That's in the past now. I'm just glad you're all here and we can just have a nice family time.”

Fabian laughed and nodded.

“No dramas?”

“Makes a change,” agreed Seb.

“Mm.”

“And you're having a nice time?”

“Yeah great, anyway thanks for, you know, your advice and that.”

“No trouble.”

Fabian looked over at the trays they'd filled.

“Okay. Shall I take that out?”

“Oh yeah, cheers. I'll just do the rest.”

“'kay.”

 

Fabian picked up the filled tray while his brother went back to filling the other one. He headed outside to where people were sitting around chatting. Mark looked up at him from where he was talking to Leanne.

“Seb still in the kitchen?”

“Yeah we were just having a chat.”

“Oh right. I think I might just go see if he needs a hand.”

 

Mark got up and went inside to find Seb.

“You alright?” he enquired.

Sebastian turned around from sorting out the drinks.

“Hm? Oh yeah fine.”

“Your brother said you were having a chat.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian saw Mark wondering and shook his head. “About him mostly.”

“Oh I see.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian stepped in closer to him.

“So, strictly between us...”

“Yeah?” encouraged Mark.

“He's got a kindof almost girlfriend.”

“Oh wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Kindof almost?”

“Long story. Anyway he was just telling me about it and asking advice.”

“From you?”

“Ha, thanks very much,” laughed Seb.

“No I mean, sorry, I meant...”

“Teenage girls not my area of expertise? No well I told him that much, but he just wanted a bit of encouragement really.”

“Right.”

“They're a bit stuck in the friendzone.”

“Ah.” Mark laughed. “Yeah well then we are experts on that aren't we darling?”

“Mm.”

 

Mark stepped in and gave him a kiss.

“I'm sure you gave him good advice.”

“Hope so.”

“Did you suggest he just leaps in and kisses her?” teased Mark.

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Like me you mean? No. Actually apparently he's already kissed her.”

“Oh. Well it sounds to me like they've already left the friendzone,” noted Mark.

“Mm, in the hinterlands perhaps. Anyway it was just nice to talk.”

“Yeah. Well I'm sure you've helped.”

“Hope so.”

“I'm sure you have. He thinks a lot of you, that's why he confides in you.”

“Mm, oh it's strictly between us by the way. He doesn't want anyone else to know.”

“Sure.”

“He said it was okay to tell you.”

“Well I'm very flattered.” Mark moved to put an arm around Seb and looked outside. “Little Fabe is growing up, bless him.”

“Oh don't tease him.”

“I won't,” assured Mark. “I won't, I promise.”

“That's why he told me.”

“Yeah course. I won't tease him darling. I wouldn't spoil him confiding in you.”

“Us really.”

“Yeah well we're a buy one get one free deal.”

Sebastian laughed and smiled up at Mark.

“Yeah we are.”

“Good stuff. Right then, where's those drinks? I'm parched.”

“Right here Liebling.”

Sebastian stepped away and put the last glass onto the tray.

“I can take it,” offered Mark.

“No I've got it, it's fine.”

“Righto. Come on then, let's enjoy a bit of that sun.”

  
  


 

 

  
  


That evening they arranged the tables on the lawn to put them in a long row, adding the kitchen table and lining up pretty much every chair the house could muster. Seeing as there were now sixteen of them in total this was quite a challenge and Jemma and Abbey found themselves left with deckchairs that needed cushions to lift them high enough to reach the table and Ryan and Fabian had to make do with old crates Mark found in the depths of the garage from when he had first moved in. They were dusty and covered in spider-webs, but a quick wash down made them serviceable and the boys didn't complain. It wasn't so warm by the time they sat down to eat, but it was dry and pleasant enough so they made the best of things, passing around bowls and plates of a slightly hotchpotch meal made up of about ten different components to be sure everyone had enough to eat.

It took everyone co-operating to make it work, but the slightly ramshackle nature of everything seemed to make it more fun and nobody was likely to complain that they were squashed for space or that their chair wobbled when everyone was so busy being polite to the other side of the family.

Stefanie had given Sofie a feed and put her down for a sleep, though she brought the baby monitor outside with her in case Sofie woke. As she ate she looked over at Sebastian and indicated the monitor with her head.

“I think we've found the trick to getting Sofie to sleep,” she noted.

“Oh?”

“Swimming. Clearly tired her out.”

“Ah, yeah well that's good isn't it?”

“It is.”

“We'll be round more often,” chimed in Jan by her side.

“You're very welcome,” Seb assured him. “Aren't they Liebling?”

“Course,” agreed Mark. “If we're ever home that is.”

“Mm.”

“Not looking forward to getting back to work?” asked Jan.

“Oh no I am,” assured Seb. “Just Autumn, you know, when the season gets a bit crazy.”

“Ah I see.”

“It's just that run at the end of the year.”

“Will you be going too Mark?” enquired Jan sat opposite him.

“Where I can.”

“You've got your own races too of course,” noted Stef.

“Yeah. Like Seb says it gets a bit crazy, but it's only really two months, then we're into the winter break.”

“Not wishing the year away already are you?” asked Norbert over to the side.

“No no, just thinking ahead.”

“It feels as though we've only just got used to it being summer,” commented Heike, “don't you think?”

She looked to Diane sat at the end with her husband.

“Ah well it's winter back home you know.”

“Oh of course. I forgot. How confusing.”

“Well we're pretty much used to it,” assured Diane wryly.

 

Sebastian hid a little laugh. All Mark's family seemed to share that dry sense of humour. It was so nice to have them here. They seemed to level out the usual angst that tended to characterise his own family's gatherings.

“Mind you our winters in Aus aren't what they are over here,” remarked Alan. “I'm always amazed Mark has adapted so well.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I dunno Dad I still prefer a decent bit of sun. Seb likes the snow though don't you sweetheart?”

Sebastian just shrugged and Mark's father smiled.

“You got Mark skiing this year, now that I would have liked to see.”

“He was really good,” defended Seb.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Mark fitted his arm around Seb and smiled out.

“Seb's a good teacher. I'm a bit ungainly with all these long limbs, but it was fun.”

“On your honeymoon,” teased Mel from past her sister.

“Oh yes that's a good point,” noted Leanne, “we've not even said a proper congratulations.”

“You have,” disagreed Mark.

“No as a family. We should raise our glasses.”

“So we should,” agreed her mother.

 

A look went round the table and Leanne indicated to her husband to give the young people crammed on the end a hint to pay attention as they all raised their glasses and said a collective congratulations to Mark and Seb placed near the centre. Mark kept his arm around Seb and gave him a smile at seeing how he looked slightly embarrassed and pleased at the same time.

“Thank you,” he replied.

“Yeah thanks,” echoed Seb.

People began adding in more comments about how pleased they were for them and Sebastian didn't know what to say. He and Mark had considered saying something the following day when it was officially their event to celebrate their marriage, but to have all their family gathered like this felt somehow even more significant. He looked to Mark and shook his head, so Mark spoke as things fell quiet.

“Thanks guys. We were gonna say something tomorrow and I guess we still will, but while it's just us we do want to say thanks for supporting us.”

There was a small chorus of dismissals telling them they didn't need to thank them and Seb found his voice.

“It means a lot you know.”

Mark gave him a squeeze and Seb felt a little rush as if he might be overwhelmed and he leaned more into him.

“It does,” confirmed Mark, “and we just want to say how much we appreciate it.”

“Yeah,” echoed Seb.

 

He looked around at their united family sat around in the dying light and thought how this was once utterly unimaginable. Sebastian slid his arm around Mark's middle and looked to him, getting a reassuring hug inwards.

“Anyway, we're just really glad to have you all here and before anyone else pitches up tomorrow we just wanted to say thanks for coming and well, yeah just that really...”

The family started up with more reassurances that they were only too glad to come and how nice it was to be here with everyone and Sebastian took in a deep breath to settle himself. Oddly he didn't feel worried about the actual party tomorrow at all, this was the bit that really mattered. The barbecue was just a continuation of things with a few friends added in.

From the far end of the table Heike watched on and saw her son visibly relaxing before her. She frowned a little wondering why that was. It was only a family gathering. Surely he couldn't have been worrying about it? They might be a rather crammed in and arrangements for eating like this were a little unconventional, but that hardly mattered. She saw Mark give Seb a smile and another little hug in and Diane caught her eye then leaned in nearer to her.

“Nice to see them like this isn't it?” commented Diane.

“Hm? Oh yes of course.”

Diane cast a look over at her son and son-in-law then looked back to Heike.

“I mean I'm sure a fancy wedding might have been nice, but then I don't think that's very them anyway do you?”

“No, no I suppose not,” agreed Heike.

She looked back at her son and thought about that. Some fancy do with everyone dressed up somewhere posh. No, that really didn't sound like Seb. If he had perhaps been worrying about this little gathering as it seemed, then surely that would have been far more stressful? He already had so much stress in his life and Heike was sure what had happened in Hungary when Seb had collapsed and ended up in medical care again had to be a sign it was too much, even if they did say it was down to the heat. If this was them being themselves then it was good they did what suited them. Sebastian had leant his head onto Mark's shoulder and they were looking at one another. Poor Mark, thought Heike. If she worried about Seb then he must too. At least Seb did look better for their holiday. That was something. They were coming up on on the anniversary of Monza. A whole year and yet it seemed no time at all.

 

“They make each other happy don't they,” noted Heike, still looking over to the centre of the row of tables.

“Yes,” agreed Diane. She leaned in a little closer to speak so no one else could hear. “Thank god for Seb. You know well it sounds awful, but we'd almost lost hope for Mark finding someone. He always said how difficult it was being in his position.”

Heike nodded.

“Mm, by the time Seb spoke to us Mark was already on the scene as it were.”

Diane huffed a laugh.

“Yes, it's funny Alan and I thought they were together all the way back when they visited us in March.”

“In March? March when?”

Diane paused and thought, trying to place the date.

“Gosh, two years back I suppose. Yes it was just after Mark left F1, but they were both over for the race and they came to stay afterwards.”

Heike looked at her.

“They came to stay with you over two years ago?”

Diane wondered if she had put her foot in it.

“Um yes. They weren't an item then as it turns out. We were just getting ahead of ourselves.”

“Oh. I didn't know they went to see you,” admitted Heike. “We didn't even know Seb was staying with Mark then.” She sighed and shook her head. “We saw so little of him back then, we didn't... well we didn't know anything really. We didn't even know...”

She gave Diane a look and Mark's mother gathered what she was saying.

“Well, these things can be tricky can't they?” offered Diane diplomatically.

“Yes. Yes I suppose they can. It was a surprise, but when we thought back the only real surprise was that it took so long for him to tell us, but I suppose that's our fault.”

“Oh well...”

Heike sighed.

“Seb seems to find it so difficult talking to us. I don't know where we went wrong.”

Diane shook her head.

“He's a lovely boy. I wouldn't say you went wrong at all.”

Heike gave her a little smile. It seemed odd to hear Seb called a boy when that sounded more like Fabian to her.

“Well thank you. Mark is a credit to you. I know Seb relies on him and well, you know he's had his troubles.”

“Far too many troubles,” agreed Diane. “But hopefully they're over that now.”

“Mm.” Heike let out a little sigh. “Yes. At least we know one thing is over.”

The two mothers looked at one another, both knowing what was being referred to. Diane gave a little tip of her head and lifted her glass again. Heike did the same and they nodded at one another. It might be wrong to celebrate someone's death, but they didn't feel guilty about it.

  
  


Further down the table Mark gave Seb another little squeeze.

“Alright darling?”

“Yeah. I think I might pop in a minute.”

Mark frowned but Seb shook his head.

“I'm just gonna nip to the loo.”

“Okay.”

He released Sebastian to let him stand up and as he did Stef looked over at him.

“Are you going inside?”

“Yeah I'm just going to the bathroom.”

“Could you stick your head around the door and check on Sofie. I'm starting to think this monitor is broken,” commented Stef.

“Sure, no problem.”

“Don't wake her up.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I won't. It's fine. Like you said, she's just tired out I'm sure.”

“Yeah, sorry. Thanks.”

Stef noticed Jan giving her a look and shrugged.

“She's just not normally this quiet.”

“Be thankful,” instructed Jan.

“Mm.”

 

Sebastian walked around the end of the table, saying hello to the dogs who sat with the younger echelon who they had twigged were most likely to give scraps of food over. Shadow and Simba started to get up to follow him, but Seb shook his head.

“I'm not doing anything interesting. Stay with your friends.”

He smiled as his little brother gave the dogs a stroke and went on inside, entering the kitchen and deciding to ignore how much tidying up there was going to be later. People would help out, no point worrying.

  
  


Sebastian went upstairs and carefully opened the door to the room where his sister staying. It was still only just getting dark outside so he could see the baby sleeping in the travel cot. Sofie's little chest rose slowly up and down, her tiny pink mouth half open as she breathed. Seb hadn't been able to resist walking further into the room to look more closely, but his niece was clearly fine so he tip-toed out again and went to use the bathroom as he had said. He looked at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands and puffed out a long breath before walking back onto the landing. He meant to go back downstairs and out again, but Seb found himself turning back to the bedroom he had visited before, standing in the doorway as he looked in again.

Something about the steady way the baby breathed so regularly was hypnotising. Seb watched the little poppers on the front of her sleep babygro going up and down, up and down, as her chest moved while she slumbered. There was a blanket but they hadn't put it over her. The room was quite warm though, so no doubt she didn't need it. Seb wondered whether the window ought not to be open as it felt a little stuffy, but his sister knew best. With the bedroom facing out into the back garden the noise from the family assembled below might disturb Sofie and they didn't want that.

 

“She alright?”

Seb jumped despite the voice being quiet. He turned in the doorway to see Mark stood there.

“Oh, god, yeah she's fine.”

“Are you alright?”

“Mm. You just surprised me.”

Sebastian had gone back to looking into the bedroom. The sun was low now as it sank behind the trees edging their garden and the room was filled with gentle glow, the shadows lengthening. The rocking chair was over by the window, one of the few chairs they hadn't brought outside. Sebastian let out a long sigh. It had seemed logical to put his sister and her family in this room seeing as there was room for the cot at the end of the bed and he'd thought the rocking chair might come in handy, but it squeezed his heart to see a baby peacefully sleeping in this room they dreamt of making into a nursery for their own child.

He looked back to Mark and saw him frowning, so Seb shook his head.

“I'm fine,” he assured softly, not wanting to disturb the baby.

“Yeah?”

 

Seb was about to say something more to explain when he caught sight of the baby monitor on the side by the cot and quietly shut the door before leading Mark back to their room. He sat down on their bed and puffed out a long breath. Mark came to sit with him.

“What is it?” asked Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Just...” he sighed, “seeing Sofie sleeping there, that's all. I just can't help thinking.”

“Whether it'll have another little occupant soon?” guessed Mark.

“If.”

Mark sighed and put his arm around.

“ _When_ sweetheart, not if. I'm more sure than ever.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian leaned in to rest his head on Mark's shoulder.

“Okay,” he accepted quietly.

Mark gave Seb's arm a rub.

“We just have to wait,” Mark reminded him.

Sebastian nodded into him then lifted his head and gave him a wry smile.

“I'm not much good at waiting.”

“No, well... me neither.”

Seb gave Mark a hug, then sat away.

“Sorry Liebling. I didn't mean to bring things down. It was just seeing her like that, the rocking chair and...”

 

He closed his eyes for a moment and Seb couldn't stop himself re-envisioning the nursery with most of the old furniture gone, replaced by a proper cot and all the other things a baby would need in there, the rocking chair still over by the window so they could look out while they sat holding a baby needing soothing in the night or sleeping softly as little Sofie did now.

“It'll happen,” reaffirmed Mark quietly again.

“Yeah I just... I'm trying not to think about it.”

“About what?”

“The adoption board.”

“Ah.”

“I know Rachel said she wouldn't put our case forward if she didn't think we had a decent chance, but I can't help worrying. I mean, we don't know them. We can't know what they'll think of us.”

“Don't you think we look like we could be a good family?” asked Mark.

“I do, of course I do, but it's _them_ ,” explained Seb. “What they'll think about us being gay, about our jobs.”

Mark pulled a face.

“Well they can't discriminate darling, that's the law.”

“Hm.”

“They can't.”

“Okay but what about our jobs? What will they think about us travelling so much and racing, whether they think that's too dangerous?”

Mark shrugged.

“Well Rachel seems to think it's okay.”

“Yeah but it's not up to her.”

“Okay, but even so. I'd be taking a year out so I think we can prove we're offering stability and as for it being dangerous, well I'm not sure they could get away with barring us on that.”

“Really?”

“What if one of us was, I don't know, in the army or a policeman or something? Do you think they'd turn them down to adopt?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know. I suppose not. I mean I know racing is dangerous, but there must be more dangerous professions.”

“I'm sure there are,” agreed Mark, “and I don't think they could turn us down on that basis.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Worst comes to the worst we'll just have to look at what they say. They can't just say no, they have to give reasons and if they do we'll work with Rachel to meet whatever they need.”

Seb took in a deep breath.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb.

“But until she actually gets back to us it's really better just not to think about it,” Mark asserted.

“I know. I have been trying.”

Mark furrowed his brow slightly.

“Is it making things more difficult having her here?”

Seb frowned to match him.

“Sofie? No Liebling it's hardly her fault.”

“Well no, I didn't mean that. I just meant the reminder.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No it's fine. I like having her here. It's nice. She makes me smile and... yeah it's not about her, not really.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Sorry Liebling I was just having a downer moment that's all. I'm okay.”

“Good.” Mark gave him a smile. “It's all going rather well I thought.”

“Yeah it is.”

“Everyone's on their best behaviour,” smiled Mark.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah you may be right. Ah well, long may it last.”

Mark nodded.

“Come on then, let's go down before they wonder where we've got to.”

“Yep.”

  
  


They went back down and outside, collecting up more drinks to offer as they passed through the kitchen. As they sat back down Stef looked over at them.

“She okay then?”

“She's fine,” assured Seb. “Fast asleep.”

“Good. Thanks.”

“Sleeping like a baby,” added Mark.

Jan huffed a dry laugh.

“Well there's a misnomer if ever there was one.”

“Mm,” agreed Stefanie.

She looked back at her brother, tempted to ask if he was okay too. Seb saw her looking and wondered if she had heard his exchange with Mark over the baby intercom. Then again they'd not really said anything of consequence there. He gave her a smile and picked up one of the bottles of wine.

“Want a top up?”

“Oh um... go on then, just a drop,” agreed Stef.

She passed over her glass, then took it back to have a sip. A glass and a half of wine felt an indulgence but Sofie was safe and asleep. Maybe a little alcohol might mean she too had a good night's sleep for once? Stef decided she'd let Jan get up if needed. His turn.

  
  


By the time they had finished up and all piled in to help with clearing and washing up it was full dark outside. Leanne packed her kids off to get ready for bed knowing even though it wasn't really all that late, by the time they eventually got to sleep it would be. Fabian didn't need telling by his own mother to go with them. Normally he would have wanted to stay up but Seb was already dropping hints that he was going to be getting an early-ish night himself. The adults sat back outside in the cool night air, some with a final drink, others just taking a moment of peace before people began to call it a night. Seb and Mark waited while a few had gone before deciding it wasn't too rude to say they were going to bed themselves.

As they went up they checked on Sofie once more as her parents made the most of a night off, but she was still just as she had been before, lying on her back breathing steadily. Mark smiled as they looked in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“I think we might be getting a false impression sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

They got ready for bed and climbed in together to settle down more than ready for sleep themselves. Sebastian let out a long sigh as he lay into Mark.

“Feeling better about things?” checked Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

Sebastian sighed again and closed his eyes.

“Big day tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark softly. “It'll be fine.”

“Yeah it will.”

Sebastian quickly drifted asleep and Mark didn't take long to join him, both of them as worn out as the baby sleeping only a few metres away.

  
  


  
  


* * *

 


	164. On A Summer's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go then, the day they've been planning (and worrying about) for months.

 

* * *

  
  


 

Saturday morning dawned with a blue sky and it already felt warm when Sebastian and Mark got up to go see who was wanting breakfast. They had brought the kitchen table and some chairs back inside last night so the youngsters sat around it while Mark and Seb stood over to the side drinking tea and eating their own breakfast before the next lot emerged. As Fabian finished eating he turned around in his seat to look at them.

“So what needs doing?”

“Hm?” frowned Seb.

“Setting up stuff for the barbecue.”

“Oh right.” Sebastian looked to Mark. “Well, this table can stay in here until later but we'll need a hand sorting out all the food and drinks.”

“That's not arriving until ten though,” pointed out Mark.

“Mm true. Um, well you guys could sort out the music.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We may regret that.”

“No you won't,” assured Jemma, we've got our iPods, we can make some playlists.”

“Yeah alright,” agreed Mark. “There's a couple of speakers in the lounge you can take outside.”

“What about other stuff?” asked Abbey. “Do you need all the plates and cups and things going out?”

Mark smiled, thinking his sister would be probably be amazed at how helpful the kids were being.

“Well actually we've ordered in a bunch of disposable ones to keep life simple.”

“Oh right.”

“Tell you what, we've got a while till we need to be doing any of that. Fabe you know the footpaths well enough don't you?”

Fabian looked at him, then realised what Mark was proposing.

“Oh to take the dogs out you mean?”

“Yeah if you want.”

“Sure, yeah we can do that can't we?”

He received an array of nods and yes's so once they had all finished eating they went and dressed before Mark and Sebastian fixed the dog leads on and instructed Shadow and Simba to be on their best behaviour before handing them over.

 

“You won't get lost will you?” Seb checked with his brother as he took hold of Simba's lead in the hallway.

“No course not, besides I've got my mobile. If we really did somehow manage to go wrong I can call you to come rescue us.”

Sebastian saw Mark smiling and knew he was fussing.

“Yeah alright.”

Mark looked over at the group.

“Feel free to take an hour or so, but don't let them off their leads anywhere there's livestock in the fields, yeah?”

“Yep we've got it Uncle Mark,” assured Abbey.

 

They let themselves out and Mark and Seb watched them go down the drive and out onto the lane before closing the door behind them. They turned around to see Leanne coming down the stairs with a towel wrapped around her hair.

“Did I hear the kids?” she checked.

“We just sent them out to walk the dogs,” explained Mark.

“Oh right.”

“Fabe knows where he's going, they'll be fine.”

“Sure.”

Dean appeared behind her and they walked into the kitchen.

“They sent the kids to walk the dogs,” related Leanne to her husband.

“I thought it was quiet,” smiled Dean.

“They've had their breakfast,” assured Seb.

“Well I didn't think you'd shift them otherwise. Righto, so the coast's clear then.”

Mark smiled at his brother-in-law's easy attitude.

“Yep mate we're all good. Want some brekkie?”

“I wouldn't say no.”

Mark and Sebastian set back to work, knowing that this was likely to be their day today. Maybe at some point in the afternoon they might get to stop and actually enjoy themselves but until then they were going to be busy.

  
  


  
  


By mid-morning the whole family was involved in preparations. The tables were all outside, separated now to spread people out a bit. Jemma already had some music playing, obeying her mother's instructions to be sure it wasn't too loud and was only playing tracks likely to be acceptable to all, whatever that meant. They'd gathered up rugs and cushions to put on the lawn and had moved the little table next to the barbecue ready with piled disposable plates and napkins. Diane and Heike had taken over the kitchen, preparing salads and Seb was currently fitting in as many drinks as possible into the fridge. The meat was packed into cool-bags ready to go out and Mark was outside trying to persuade his father that half-past ten was really too early to light the barbecue even if it did need to burn down.

“People aren't coming till at least midday,” pointed out Mark.

His father completed rearranging the coals in the large barbecue and nodded.

“Alright I'll give it an hour,” relented Alan. “Norbert's offered to give me a hand.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Right well till then why don't I make some tea and people can have a sit down?”

“I'll just get those sauces lined up.”

“Right.”

Mark walked back into the house to find Seb attempting to help their mothers and being rebuffed. He shrugged and could only stand out of the way as his father came to collect up bottles of sauce and instead indicated to the piled packets of bread rolls.

“Might as well stick them out too.”

He handed half the pile to Seb and took the rest to arrange on the table by the barbecue, then returned to fill the kettle and went round offering tea before eventually taking their own mugs to go and sit outside. Sebastian waved over his brother.

“Why don't you ask if people want to go have a swim?”

“Isn't there stuff that needs doing?” checked Fabian.

“Not really. Just bringing out more food but not yet. We've got over an hour.”

“Oh okay.”

Sebastian stood up.

“I'll go keep an eye on them,” he offered.

Jan looked over from where he sat with Stef and the baby on the rug.

“I'll go. I reckon this little one would like another dip wouldn't you?”

He smiled at Sofie and took her from Stef.

“We can take her,” offered Seb.

“Really?”

Seb looked to Mark who nodded.

“Sure. Why don't you have a coffee in peace while it's quiet?”

Jan shrugged.

“Well...”

He looked to Stefanie who hesitated then nodded.

“Yeah okay thanks. I'll just get her changed.”

 

  
  


Stef carried her daughter into the pool area to find Mark stood in the middle with Ryan stood balanced on his shoulders about to jump off into the water with a whoop. Seb came over from where he had been opening up the french windows enough to let some air in without allowing the dogs to sneak in.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” greeted his sister.

Sebastian looked over to Mark and beckoned him over.

“Sorry we'll calm down now,” assured Seb.

“It's fine.”

Mark came to the shallow end.

“I was just saying we'd calm it down a bit,” repeated Seb to him.

“Oh sure. Yeah they can play down the other end.” Mark looked to the four busily fetching inflatables to put into the water. “Keep down that end guys, yeah?”

“Sure,” replied Fabian, already batting the balls further down to the other side.

“You can come in if you like?” Seb offered to his sister.

“Oh, um, no it's alright. I think I'll just have a few minutes peace while you babysit,” decided Stef. “Seb you get in and I'll pass her to you.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian climbed into the water as requested and his sister ducked down to carefully pass him the baby.

“So um, we're just outside if you need us,” she reminded them.

“Yep, we'll be fine.”

As soon as she was in the water Sofie began squealing happily and splashing the water and Stefanie stood back up, knowing her daughter was right where she wanted to be. Mark was pulling faces at her as Sebastian bobbed her gently in the water so Stef merely gave them a wave before leaving them to it.

  
  


  
  


  
  


They only stayed in the water for twenty minutes before deciding they ought to make sure everything really was ready. Stef had been expecting to leave it a while longer but she turned to see her brother emerging from the house carrying Sofie swaddled from head to toe in a towel. Jan chuckled and they both stood to go over. He chubbed his daughter's cheek seeing as her face was all that was showing.

“Look at you all bundled up.”

“Oh we didn't want her to get cold,” explained Seb.

Stef took Sofie off him and unwrapped her to give her a little rub.

“I'll go get her dressed.”

 

As they walked back inside Stef looked at Mark and Seb still only in their swimwear.

“You guys going to get dressed too?”

“Oh good point,” conceded Mark.

“Are the kids still in the pool?” asked Leanne over from the side of the kitchen where she was slicing dozens of rolls in half ready to be used.

“No they're getting changed too. We've put the cover on the pool now.”

“Ah righto.”

“We'd better get ready too. You don't need anything do you?”

“Nope we're fine.”

  
  


  
  


Once they had dressed and come back down Mark and Sebastian joined the rest of the family who were down to mostly fussing over things that were already all set for the party. Leanne went in search of her daughters who seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of time getting dressed, noting that they were doubtless drying and straightening hair despite being told that nobody was coming here to look at them this afternoon.

Seb lifted out a bag of ice from the freezer and set it in the sink ready to pour into a bowl once people arrived while Mark let his father loose on the barbecue. Their mothers were coming in and out ferrying at least half a dozen different types of salad to set out and Mark came back to get the cool-bags with the meat in ready to cook. Leanne came through, shooing her girls into the garden and shook her head at Sebastian.

“Honestly, it's mostly family. I don't know why they were making a fuss.”

Sebastian could only shrug. His knowledge of the ways of teenage girls was limited to his older sisters and that quite some time ago. Dean came through and looked to Seb.

“You don't mind if I get a drink do you?”

“Course not, help yourself. We just need to keep refilling the fridge that's all.”

Seb indicated an array of packs and bottles to the side and Dean nodded.

“Right you are mate, will do.”

He opened the fridge and chose a beer, turning around to see his wife raising an eyebrow.

“It's not even midday,” noted Leanne.

“Ah come on, it's a barbie, got to have a beer,” justified Dean.

Leanne shook her head, but she said nothing more.

“I've offered to help your dad but he's all over it,” Dean added.

“Yeah alright.”

“Seb mate do you want one?”

“Oh um, no not yet thanks. Leanne do you want a drink? There's some white wine in there if you fancy that?”

Leanne gave him a smile.

“Not just yet thank you. Maybe later.”

“Right okay, well, hmm. I don't think there's anything more to do.”

Sebastian looked around him and Dean nodded.

“You're set mate, come and sit out in the sunshine and we can watch our father-in-law show off his prowess with the barbie.”

Seb nodded, knowing he needed distraction.

  
  


They went out and Seb went over to where Mark was stood with his father.

“Dad's on the case,” assured Mark.

“Yep, thanks Alan.”

“Ah no worries, she just needs to flare a bit then burn down and we'll be right.”

“Righto.”

Sebastian looked over to see his brother and Ryan were playing with the dogs again while Jemma and Abbey were now sat more sedately with the adults who had finally run out of things to fuss over. Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Think the nieces have suddenly realised there's gonna be racing drivers turning up this arvo.”

His father shook his head.

“You're racing drivers.”

“Not the same Dad.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I think they might be disappointed. Dan's bringing his girlfriend.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“They'll be gutted. Ah well. I'm sure they'll get over it.”

“Lewis sent me a text saying he's picking up his brother so he's running a bit late.”

“Tell him there'll be no food left, that should encourage him to put his foot down.”

Seb smiled and shook his head, then looked at his watch.

“We said _from_ twelve,” noted Mark. “I don't think there's gonna be a line on the drive on the chime of the clock.”

“Yeah I know. I was just thinking we should go in so we hear the door.”

“Oh, yeah I suppose. Either that or leave it open and stick a note on telling them just to come through.”

“I think they might feel a bit weird doing that if they've not been here before,” pointed out Seb.

“Mm, maybe. Yeah alright. Dad we're going in to be the reception committee. You good here?” checked Mark.

“All good. You get on.”

  
  


They swung by the others to be sure they were all set with drinks, then went into the house. With nothing else to do Mark and Seb kicked their heels for a few minutes, then heard the door. They opened it to see Pauline stood with her husband.

“Pauline you've got a key,” laughed Mark.

“Well I know, but it felt strange to do it today,” excused Pauline. “Anyway, this is my Henry.”

They shook hands and beckoned them in. Seb and Mark taking the offered Tupperware boxes.

“What's this then?” asked Mark.

“Oh I thought I ought to bring something. I brought some pasta salad and that one has biscuits I made.”

“Ah you didn't need to.”

“It's very kind Pauline,” assured Seb. “Now then, drinks?”

  
  


They deposited the biscuits in the kitchen to prevent the kids eating them right away, then once they had given them drinks took their first guests outside to introduce them to the family. Sebastian made sure there were chairs for them to sit near his mother seeing as they already knew one another and was pleased to see Mark's mother joining them to sit chatting.

The faint sound of the door came through and they went through to start meeting more guests. Over the next half hour Jess and Jenson turned up with DC in tow, then Dan and his girlfriend, Brendon and Christian all arrived. Each time Mark and Sebastian furnished them with drinks and showed them through to introduce them to their family. As more people arrived everyone apart from the eldest relatives gave up the chairs and stood around breaking the ice and chatting. Sebastian saw how his father had gone to join Mark's over at the barbecue and was glad to see them getting on. Adrian had arrived complete with all the family and Seb introduced his children to Fabian and Ryan with a hint they should keep them occupied and was just thinking of getting himself a drink when Mark ducked back into the house and came out accompanied by Fernando.

Seb went over to say hello, feeling only slightly awkward to chat with his long-time rival. He was pleased he had come though as Seb knew it meant a lot to Mark that his friend should make such an effort, so Sebastian chatted as best he could with him whilst at the same time trying to keep an eye that everyone was happy. Thankfully he could see Brendon and Jenson laughing about something and Dan had joined them. DC was chatting to Christian over near the barbecue. Seb had thought twice about inviting his boss, but he wanted to say thank you for his support and the invitation had been made some time ago so Sebastian could hardly have withdrawn it because he felt awkward about what had happened before they went away.

Seb didn't think it could hurt for Christian to see him just being normal with his family for once rather than in crisis mode. On his arrival Sebastian's boss had failed quite badly at hiding how he was appraising how Seb looked, but seeing as the last time he had been here Seb had been in such bad shape Christian had had to call in the team doctor he couldn't really blame him. His boss had at least commented that they both looked well from their holiday and Sebastian had made a point of saying how the break had done them good. All Christian had done was nod and say that he was glad to hear it. Seb suspected there was more than a little relief on his face but Christian had said nothing further than to say he had been taking a short holiday himself as they showed him into the garden and they'd left it at that.

  
  


From over to the side David sipped his drink and glanced across the lawn before looking back to his former boss.

“They look well from their holiday don't you think?” he observed.

“Hm?” Christian looked to DC, realising he must have been staring. “Seb?”

“And Mark. Good to see them looking relaxed.”

“Yeah. Yeah absolutely. I think the holiday worked.”

“Worked?” frowned David.

“Oh well you know, a break, we all need that by the summer don't we?” covered Christian.

“True enough. Seb was looking a bit run-down I suppose.”

“Mm.”

“He was alright wasn't he after what happened in Hungary?” checked David. “I didn't want to ask too much.”

Christian nodded.

“Yes. Thanks, he had enough people pestering him about that afterwards. Hungary was just a bit of a disaster with the heat.”

“Sure. I know how that can be.” David looked to Christian. “It really wasn't connected to his accident was it? I know people asked, but...”

Christian shook his head.

“No it was just the heat and the drink not working obviously.”

“Yeah.”

“It was just an unfortunate combination of things, though perhaps, yeah...” Christian sighed, “I guess you can't help worrying more about him.”

“Seb?”

“Mm.”

“Because of the accident.”

Christian looked at him and could only nod. It wasn't entirely untrue, but also wasn't entirely the truth. It was all he could give though.

“I don't suppose it really goes away,” noted David

Christian shrugged.

“Some things don't,” he admitted. Christian glanced over to see Sebastian apparently happily chatting, looking suntanned and healthy. “Yeah, anyway he seems fine.”

David huffed a laugh.

“Compulsory summer break's good for all of us.”

Christian smiled.

“We might complain about it disrupting things at the factory but it is important.”

“Sometimes we all need telling what's good for us,” offered DC.

Christian gave a tip of his head.

“Ah you may be right. Well, a couple of days left yet.”

“Back in Monday?”

Christian gave him a look and David held up an apologetic hand.

“My bad. Still the break and all race matters forgotten,” assured DC.

“Thanks.”

“I'm sure you need the break as much as anyone.”

“God yeah,” smiled Christian.

He took a sip of his drink and reflected that the enforced summer break really was essential for him more than anyone. Otherwise he knew he'd have spent the past three weeks working nearly the same hours he normally did and at some point that would have to catch up with him. Still the break for a while longer. He should enjoy it and stop worrying, even about Sebastian.

  
  


 

  
  


The door went again so Seb excused himself to find Lewis and Nic on the doorstep full of apologies for arriving late.

“I brought these guys, that's okay isn't it?” checked Lewis pointing down at the dogs at his feet.

“No course, you did mention it. They're alright with kids aren't they?”

“Oh they love kids, but I can keep them on the leads if you want.”

“No it's fine. Only maybe Sofie, my niece. She's just a baby, so...”

“I'll keep an eye on them,” promised Lewis.

“Sure. We'll have to introduce them to our guys.”

Lewis laughed and leaned down to give the dogs a quick rub.

“You'll be friends I'm sure.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Come on through. How're you doing Nic?”

“Good mate yeah. Thanks for inviting me too.”

“On no we were glad you could come. My brother's here too, I'm sure he'll want to say hello.”

 

Sebastian showed their latest guests through the house and out into the garden bringing them over to where Mark was still talking to Fernando. They exchanged hellos that were only slightly awkward between Lewis and Fernando while Mark waved over to Fabian, telling him to bring the dogs over and they were soon distracted by introducing the dogs.

Mark and Seb ducked down with Lewis and they quite seriously looked at the animals.

“So Shadow, Simba, this is Roscoe and Coco, say hello,” instructed Seb.

The dogs looked at one another for a moment before cautiously sniffing one another making the others smile. Mark gave his two a rub and stood up, the others copying him.

“Think they're fine. It's getting hot. Do they want some water?”

“Oh thanks.”

“I'll get it,” offered Fabian.

“Just refill the ones in the kitchen, they can share.”

Fabian nodded and did as he was asked.

“That's alright isn't it mate?” checked Mark.

“Course.”

“We've got dog food they can share, but I suspect they'll find plenty to eat out here.”

“I'll bet,” smiled Lewis. “So is that your dad over with the barbecue?”

Mark nodded.

“And Seb's. We'll have to introduce you.”

“Sure.”

“Plenty of people here,” noted Nic.

“Yep, don't worry though mate, we've plenty of food.”

“Ah yes,” added in Fernando. “Mark has shown me. I think we have enough for most of the paddock.”

Mark laughed and shrugged.

“What kind of hosts would we be letting you all go hungry? Ah Fabe, just stick them near the back door where no one'll fall over them.”

 

Fabian did as asked then came to join them, saying proper hellos to Lewis and Nic. Mark could see his nephew looking across so he waved him over to join them.

“You remember my nephew Ryan.”

“Oh, yeah hi,” greeted Lewis.

“And Ryan this is Nic, Lewis's brother and Fernando.”

Ryan stared at them all, his mouth gone dry.

“It is good to meet you,” acknowledged Fernando.

Ryan nodded and Nic huffed a laugh.

“Alright there.”

Ryan nodded again and Sebastian could tell he had gone shy.

“We haven't got you drinks. What can I get you?” he offered.

“Do you want to see their new pool?” asked Fabian.

“Oh Fabe they've only just got here.”

“It's really cool,” asserted Ryan suddenly finding his voice.

“You can show them later,” assured Mark. “Why don't you see if the dogs want to have a play.”

“Oh alright.”

“Just make sure you stay well away from the barbecue and maybe stick away from Sofie.”

“Sure, okay then, will you come with us?” asked Fabian looking to Lewis's dogs.

Lewis gave them a little pat on the behind and pointed off to the centre of the lawn.

“Go have a run around guys.”

Ryan ran to get the tennis ball and showed it to the dogs before throwing it off to the far side and as Shadow and Simba shot after it Roscoe and Coco paused only another moment before gambolling after them, the two boys racing after them.

“There we go, they're fine,” observed Mark.

“Drinks?” reminded Seb.

  
  


  
  


With all their guests there taken care of and the smells of cooking rising up from the barbecue Mark and Sebastian worked to try to circulate around to be sure everyone was happy before slowly beginning to relax as they found everyone was really quite capable of looking after themselves and socialising. The drivers did tend to stick more with each other unless Mark or Seb brought them together with their family, but Adrian's kids seemed happy to mix with the other young people and his eldest boy took with Ryan and Fabian to sidle up to different drivers in what Mark was sure was a game of dare they were playing.

Leaving the chairs and tables to their guests Mark and Seb went to one of the rugs spread on the lawn with some food once they were sure everybody else had what they needed. Seb puffed out a breath as he sat down and Mark gave him a smile.

“Alright?”

“Yeah.”

Seb surveyed the scene and nodded. Nic had gone to chat with his brother and Ryan who were not very subtly feeding sausages to the dogs in the centre of the lawn.

“Should they be eating them?” questioned Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“One day of being spoiled won't do them any harm. I'm just glad they're not trying to eat Lewis's dogs.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“They're being very good hosts.”

“Yeah course they are. Right let's get stuck in.”

 

They set about eating the barbecued chicken and salad on their plates, enjoying the sunshine for a while. Mark reflected that it was perhaps a good thing they didn't have any close neighbours given the noise and all the cars parked along the lane, but out here there really wasn't anyone to worry about other than the cows in the next field and Mark was pretty sure they could live with the disruption.

Once they had eaten Mark and Seb did the rounds offering more drinks and refilling the fridge. They filled up one of the cool-bags with ice-creams and lollies from the freezer and sent Fabian and Ryan around with them, then went back out, glad to see how many were grateful for them on such a hot day in late August. Sebastian went over to where his eldest sister was sat with Sofie on her knee.

“How are you guys doing?”

Stef puffed a breath and put a hand on her daughter's little sun-hat.

“It is warm isn't it? I thought it was meant to rain in England.”

Seb laughed and shrugged.

“Not all the time.” He looked to where Mark was chatting with Dan and Brendon and waved him over. “Why don't we shift this table under the trees over there then they're in the shade?”

“Oh yeah, sorry we should have thought of that.”

They moved it with the help of Jan and Dean who were sat with Stef and Leanne and once everything was rearranged Seb fetched more drinks and made sure they were settled before going back to go round chatting to the rest of their guests.

  
  


“So then mate are you gonna show us this pool then?” asked Dan.

Mark laughed and nodded in the direction of the extension.

“That's it over there.”

“Ah now that doesn't count as showing us.”

“Do you want the full tour then?”

David took a sip of his drink and smiled over.

“I reckon you we need to see the full châteaux Vettel-Webber,” he prompted.

Mark rolled his eyes and looked to Seb.

“Why don't we let Fabe do it?”

“Yeah alright, Fabe!”

Sebastian beckoned his brother over and delegated the task, smiling to see how pleased his brother looked to be put in charge. A group dutifully followed him into the house leaving Mark and Seb with just Jenson and Jess who had seen it all before.

“Are we bad hosts?” wondered Seb.

“Nah Fabe's on the case,” assured Mark.

“Should have given him a brolly,” joked Jenson.

“A brolly?”

“Like those tour operators you see in tourist traps.”

“Ah right, yeah mate. I reckon he'll have to do a few forays in there to make sure everyone's had a look.”

“I'm not sure it's that exciting,” commented Sebastian.

“Oh you have a lovely house,” assured Jess.

“Well I'm sure Fabian is showing them everything they need to see,” stated Mark not wanting Seb to find something else to feel he ought to be worrying about.

“Yeah I guess.”

“A dip in the pool sounds quite nice,” remarked Jess. “Maybe we should have brought our swimming things?”

“Oh maybe, we should have said,” frowned Seb.

“Nah mate we're happy,” assured Jenson. “Be pretty full if we all piled in wouldn't it?”

“Yeah I guess so.”

“Jess tells me you even had a pool on holiday.”

Mark laughed and put his arm around Seb beside him.

“If Seb could have packed ours I'm sure he would.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and pulled a face at him, only succeeding in making Mark laugh again and he couldn't stop himself smiling along with him.

“It was just nice to have it there. It was very relaxing.”

Mark's smile softened and have gave Seb a little squeeze.

“Yeah it was. As usual Seb's right. It was a good call to chose that place.”

 

Jenson smiled at him but Mark wasn't going to let him tease them so he began asking about their summer holiday instead and merely hung on to Seb, feeling the way he stayed pressed in.

“Maybe we should have bought a paddling pool?” commented Seb.

“Mm, well, next time. I'm sure it'd come in useful,” replied Mark.

Sebastian looked at him and knew they were both wondering if it might be for their own child as well as their niece.

“For cooling the beers?” joked Jenson.

“Hm? Oh no I meant for Sofie.”

“Your niece is gorgeous,” smiled Jess.

“Yeah she is,” agreed Seb.

“I'm sure you've been enjoying spoiling her.”

“Mm.” Seb glanced to Mark and thought how he wanted to tell their friends about their attempt to adopt, but things were all still up in the air and it didn't feel right to do so yet.

“She's been having a great time in our pool,” commented Mark.

“Aw,” teased Jenson. “I bet you're a great uncle.”

“He is,” countered Seb.

Jess batted at Jenson's arm.

“Course he is. I'm sure you both are. It's lovely to see all your family here.”

“Yeah it is nice. I'm glad they're all getting along.”

“Of course they're getting along sweetheart,” assured Mark, “what did you expect?”

“Well I don't know. I just thought it might be a bit stand-off-ish, but they're fine.”

“Course they are. Look at our mums sat over there nattering with Pauline.”

Sebastian looked over to where the three women sat at the dining room table, unaccountably drinking tea in the hot sun.

“I don't want to know what they're talking about,” commented Seb.

“Mums mate,” laughed Jenson. “They'll be talking about their kids.”

“Mm.”

  
  


  
  


From over on the other side of the lawn Diane caught them looking and smiled over before looking to those around her.

“Nice to see them relaxed and at home isn't it?”

“Oh yes, they rush around so much poor things,” commented Pauline.

“Well I'm glad they have you. Mark always says what a help it is to know things are taken care of when they're rushing around.”

“Oh well I just do bits and pieces.”

“I wish they didn't have to rush about so much,” added in Heike. “They barely seem to sit still.”

“Well Mark was always like that,” noted Diane. “You could never get him to stay in one place when he was a little boy.”

“Mm.”

“I don't know how you did it with four to look after.”

Heike shrugged.

“You just manage don't you? They were pretty spread out.”

 

She looked over at her son across the lawn and wondered once again if she really had been too caught up with trying to look after all her children to have missed problems building with her middle child.

“It's nice to see them like this,” commented Pauline.

“Yes they do seem better don't they?” agreed Diane. “They've had far too much to deal with.”

“Mm, especially lately.”

Heike looked at her and spoke quietly so they weren't overheard by their husbands who had taken seats at the opposite end of the table.

“Did they um, mention about what happened before they went away?”

Pauline nodded and they all exchanged a look.

“Perhaps it sounds wrong to say it but I can't see it as anything but good news,” stated Heike.

“Mm, though I think it was still upsetting,” Diane noted.

“Of course, but at least it's behind them now.”

Pauline nodded.

“You know I feel better for it myself. I always had half an eye out to see if anyone ever came down the lane when I've been here.”

“Really?”

Pauline shrugged.

“Not that I really expected anything, but once something's happened it's on your mind. Heaven only knows how it was for them.”

Heike sighed and Diane gave her a reassuring pat on the arm.

“He's gone and if no one mourns him he has only himself to blame. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.”

“No I think you're quite right.”

“They deserve to be happy,” remarked Pauline.

“They do. I'm sure it's still just filtering through to them that they can really put it behind them now.”

“Perhaps that's it,” agreed Heike, thinking her son did seem preoccupied sometimes.

“I'm just glad to see Seb eating properly,” noted Diane.

“Mm,” agreed Pauline.

Heike frowned.

“Eating properly?”

Diane sent her eyes sideways as both she and Pauline suddenly guessed they might know more than Heike did about her own son.

“Oh you know with their diets,” she covered, “nice to see them relaxing and being normal for a while isn't it?”

Heike nodded, but she noted the way Diane had slipped from talking about Seb to both of them.

“They work too hard,” agreed Pauline.

“Yes, yes they do.”

She drifted off looking over at her son stood with Mark, suspecting there were still so many things she didn't know. Maybe she was never going to know? They did look happy now though. Perhaps she should simply take that and be happy for them?

  
  


  
  


  
  


The afternoon passed pleasantly and as everything seemed to be going well Sebastian eventually accepted one of the beers his brother-in-law offered him and he and Mark stood sipping the nice cool drinks as they worked their way around chatting to everyone in turn. As they went back over to the trees they saw all three of their sisters sat in the shade. Mark huffed a laugh as walked up.

“When shall we three meet again,” quoted Mark.

Leanne looked up at him and shook her head.

“Very funny.”

“What's that mean?” frowned Mel.

“Macbeth. The witches,” explained Leanne.

“Oh.”

“Charming Mark,” his sister criticised.

Mark smiled unrepentantly so Seb apologised on his behalf.

“He thinks he's funny.

“Ah I'm only teasing. Ladies can I get you anything?”

“Oh I think we're good,” assured Stef looking at the array of drinks on the table. “Have you seen Jan?”

Mark indicated over past the barbecue.

“We just left him and Dean relating our epic cricket match from yesterday to Dan.”

“Ah I see.”

“Dan's pretty gutted he missed it by all accounts.”

“Hmm, I hope they don't go telling Christian or I'm bound to find myself in some hideous publicity game next time we're racing in Melbourne,” commented Seb.

Mark laughed.

“God do you remember doing that years ago on the beach?”

“How could I forget? I felt so stupid having to pretend I knew what I was doing for the cameras.”

Sebastian pouted so Mark put an arm around him.

“Why do they do those things?” wondered Mel.

“Lord knows,” smiled Mark.

“Just to get publicity. Pre-race stuff you know, when the press have nothing else to put in the papers,” explained Seb.

“Oh.”

“Yeah it is a bit weird, but I suppose there's worse things.”

“I bet they'd love this.”

“This?”

“This. Your barbecue. I bet the papers would eat up getting shots of drivers just hanging out together.”

“Oh I see. Yeah well they're definitely not invited.”

“Hence the fact everyone's actually relaxing and enjoying themselves,” noted Leanne.

“Exactly,” agreed Mark.

Stef shifted Sofie from where she sat against her and oofed out a breath.

“You alright there?” checked Mark.

“Yeah just hot. She's like having a little hot-water bottle up against you.”

“I can take her,” offered Seb.

“Really?”

“Yeah she can come and say hello to people. Unless it's too hot.”

“Um, okay let me just put some more sunscreen on her. Good job you had some in.”

“Plenty left from our holiday,” noted Mark.

“I hadn't thought it would be this sunny. One sec.”

 

They waited while Stef applied another quick layer of sunscreen. The baby squirmed as it was rubbed into her skin and pulled such a disgusted face as her mother spread some on her cheeks and nose that all the adults laughed and Sofie pouted out at the lot of them.

“Oh dear,” smiled Leanne. “I think that's a look you might have to get used to.”

“Hm?”

“Teenage pouting. My girls are experts.”

“Ah. Oh well, not for a while.”

Leanne looked over to where her daughters were fussing over Lewis's dogs and was glad that teenage sulks had been off the agenda while they were here. Stefanie straightened Sofie's little sun-dress and hat then stood to pass her over to her brother.

“If she fusses just bring her back.”

“Yeah okay. You're fine though aren't you?” smiled Seb to his niece now held at his eye-level. “Yeah you're a good girl for your Onkel Seb.”

Stefanie nodded, thinking it was typical that her daughter would choose to be on her best behaviour when others were offering to take her for a while. She sat back down and let out a sigh to her sister and sister-in-law as Seb and Mark took Sofie off across the lawn.

  
  


They showed her off to their friends who all fussed over the baby as she stared out at them all wondering why there were so many strange faces in her life these days. As it was getting on for four now there were at least a few shadows to be made, so Mark stood at an angle to create one as Seb held Sofie while they spoke with Christian and Adrian. Christian nearly made a comment that they looked quite at home looking after her and only just managed to stop himself in time as he remembered that Adrian was unaware of their plans. Like their mothers, Seb's boss was relieved to see him looking so much better. The last time they had been in this garden together Sebastian had looked at rock bottom, but now here he was, suntanned and smiling, bouncing a chubby-cheeked baby in his arms. The contrast could hardly be starker.

As the group recirculated, fetching drinks and moving around the garden, Sebastian passed Sofie to Mark so he could go get her a drink as well.

“I think Stef has a water bottle made up for her as well, I'll just go get it.”

Mark nodded and took the baby into his arms, giving her a smile. DC had come to join them and he huffed a little laugh at the sight.

“What?” frowned Mark.

“Nothing mate, just you being the family man, I never pictured it.”

“Why not?”

“Well... I dunno,” trailed off David.

“I am a family man now anyway seeing as we're married,” pointed out Mark.

“Yeah course. You seem well set here.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah we are. It's funny, I think back and it just seems so odd that I ever lived here on my own.”

“Much better with company.”

“God yeah.”

Sofie reached up trying to steal his sunglasses and Mark was distracted from his conversation by trying to fend her off.

 

“Here we go.”

Mark turned to see Seb proffering the baby bottle that had been filled with water. He took it and offered it to Sofie who grasped at it and started sucking as he held it up for her.

“There, she was thirsty,” noted Sebastian.

“Yep guess so.”

They chatted for a while before Lewis came over, reaching in to chubb Sofie's little cheek.

“Ah man she is so cute.”

“She is,” agreed Seb.

“I'm gonna see my niece and nephew in the week. I love it.” Lewis touched her snub nose as she let Mark take the bottle back. “Hey there beautiful.”

Sofie burbled happily and batted a hand out at Lewis.

“Can I have a hold?” he requested.

“Um.”

Mark looked to Seb who nodded, so he passed her over. Lewis took the baby and held her up to pull faces at her.

“Yeah look at you,” grinned Lewis. “You know you're the centre of attention don't you? Do you want to meet my babies?” He looked to Seb. “She's not scared of dogs is she?”

“Don't think so. She likes ours,” assured Seb.

Lewis hitched the baby into one arm and waved over at where his brother was talking with Fabian while Ryan was throwing the ball for all the dogs and they came over. Lewis ducked down with the baby while Nic kept a calming hand stroking the dogs.

“Okay so this is Roscoe and this is Coco,” Lewis introduced.

He knelt down with the baby balanced on his knee facing them and Seb knelt beside him, giving the dogs a stroke as well. The dogs leaned in a little and Sofie batted at them with her hand. Thankfully the animals seemed unperturbed by such treatment.

“I told you they're good with them,” noted Lewis.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “They're very gentle.”

 

Shadow and Simba had been stood back slightly with Fabian and Ryan, but seeing the fuss being made of the other dogs they pushed in and as Sofie put her hand out again Simba licked her little hand. Sofie pulled it away and her lip wobbled, uncertain whether this was a nice thing or not, so Seb took her off Lewis and lifted her back up out of the way.

“I'm not sure she likes being licked,” he observed as the baby furrowed her brow looking as though she was deciding whether or not to burst into tears. “Hey, hey Sofie do you want your bottle?”

Sofie looked back to him and Seb held out his hand for Mark to give him the bottle to distract her with while the dogs were sent back off to play. Disaster averted, Seb kept hold of her while she drank, now leaning her head into his shoulder.

“I should probably wash her hand.”

“Mm, I'm sure she'll survive,” commented Mark.

“She looks tired to me,” observed DC.

“Yeah maybe,” agreed Seb.

“You should have brought your lot,” noted Mark.

“Oh, yeah thanks. They're at the mother-in-law's while I'm over though. We've got a few production meetings in the week before the season starts back up.”

“Ah right.”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“I think I could do with a longer break.”

“Not wanting to go back racing?” questioned David.

“Oh no I am,” assured Seb automatically. “Just you know, nice to have a bit of time off.”

“This time next week we'll have already done quali in Spa,” noted Lewis.

“Mm.”

“And then straight after we're at Monza.”

“Yeah.”

Lewis didn't miss the look sent between Seb and Mark and felt an idiot for mentioning it. He tried to think of a way to apologise for being clumsy, but David swept in.

“Gets crazy doesn't it? Yeah I think we could all do with a longer break.”

“Mm, yeah I think I might just make sure I've washed her hand while I think about it. Sorry, won't be a moment.”

  
  


Sebastian took Sofie inside and Mark followed him. As they were left alone Lewis looked to DC.

“Damn, I'm such a klutz sometimes.”

David shrugged.

“I'm sure it's already on their minds going back into the season.”

“Yeah.” Lewis shook his head. “I can't imagine how it's gonna be for them.”

“No.”

David puffed a long breath and they looked at one another. A year didn't seem a very long time to them, no doubt it was far worse for Mark and Sebastian.

  
  


Inside the kitchen Mark damped a tea-towel under the tap and washed Sofie's hand. Unfortunately she found this even less pleasant than having it licked and snatched it away, leaning into Seb and beginning to cry. Seb hitched her up and looked at her.

“Hey now, it's okay. Don't cry now Liebling, shh shh.”

The baby clutched at the neck of Sebastian's loose low-necked t-shirt and the sunglasses he had folded onto there clattered onto the floor.

“Sorry,” apologised Mark, picking them up and putting them with his on the side.

Sebastian shook his head and swayed his body slowly to soothe the baby until she was quieted. Mark looked on and thought how attached Seb had become to his niece. She seemed to respond to him, but then Mark didn't think that was a surprise really. Seb was gentle and caring by nature and Mark was sure she must sense that. He glanced outside to see Lewis talking with his brother and DC and Mark thought again about how Lewis had been there in Hungary. A part of Mark wanted to thank him, not just for being there to cheer Seb up when he was on his own, but for saving him from Heikki who had been lurking, waiting and plotting god only knew what. Thank Christ Lewis had been there. Mark couldn't help feeling guilty that he hadn't been. Anything could have happened. Something awful, truly awful.

“You okay?” asked Seb seeing a distant look in Mark's eyes.

“Hm? Yeah fine sweetheart. You're alright aren't you too?”

Mark smoothed his hand over Sofie's fine hair and Seb wasn't entirely sure if he meant him or her, so he just smiled.

“Simba didn't mean any harm.”

“No course not darling. They're good dogs.”

“Lewis's too.”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded. Lewis had been out walking his dogs and that was why he had bumped into Seb. He ought to be very thankful for them. Heikki hadn't liked dogs, probably not even small ones like Lewis's. Coward. Mark wished he had an opportunity to let their dogs loose on him, but he was gone now. He was gone. Thank god. Mark knew he had to put him out of his mind as Seb did.

“They're good dogs,” repeated Mark absently. He smiled down at their niece who had quieted now, seeming to have forgotten all about the incident that had unsettled her. If only life was as simple when you got older.

 

  
  


 

Having seen her brother take Sofie inside, Stef followed and decided to put the baby down for a nap to let her cool off out of the sun, the curtains closed to encourage her to sleep. As she came back out Stefanie found that despite it not being much past five Alan had got the barbecue going again and food was being offered around once more. The sun started to weaken so the kitchen table was brought back out from under the trees and soon everyone was sat around eating once more.

Mark and Sebastian had actually taken seats at one of the tables this time, worrying less now about their guests looking after themselves. As they saw people gathered closer together and mostly finished eating, Mark and Seb whispered between them, then decided to seize the moment. Mark knew Sebastian would need him to start, but they both took in a breath and stood up. Mark tried clearing his throat but people were busy talking so Dean grabbed a fork and tapped it loudly against his beer bottle to get everyone to quiet.

Seb felt suddenly embarrassed by the attention and was sure he was going pink as all their guests looked to them from where they sat crammed at the tables or stood around on the lawn. Mark put an arm around him and took a breath before speaking.

“Um so we just thought we'd take the opportunity to say thank you all for coming. It's so great to have you guys here, especially when lots of you have come such a long way.”

Seb swallowed, then joined in.

“Yeah thanks. I know we sort of said this already, but it means a lot and we're very glad to have you here.”

He looked to Mark, both of them thinking that they hadn't really planned on making a big speech as such.

“Um, so yeah,” picked up Mark. “We do appreciate it, especially seeing as this is kind of in lieu of us having a proper wedding party or anything like that.

“And it's for your birthday,” chipped in Seb, not wanting that to be forgotten.

“Old man now,” offered DC from the sidelines.

Mark laughed and raised his glass to him.

“Not for another few days thanks mate.”

“Tsk, you're not old,” argued Seb quietly.

Mark smiled at him.

“Thanks. Anyway while everyone's together we just want to say thank you for all your support. I think you know that the past year, well, year and a half, hasn't always been the easiest for us.”

Mark looked to Seb and gave him a squeeze. Everyone watching on knew what an understatement that was. Seb gave him a squeeze back around his middle. Looking out to see their families assembled with so many of their friends and colleagues, all here for them looking pleased and happy. It meant more than he could say and he felt a little choked, so Mark continued, looking back out at the others.

“So, yeah, your support through all that means a huge amount to us and we just wanted to say thank you.”

“Yeah thank you,” echoed Sebastian.

Mark looked at him, then smiled at Seb, knowing he hadn't told him he was about to add this.

“I also wanted to say how despite all that it's been the best time in my life and seeing as this is to celebrate us getting married, I wanted to say how amazing that has been and how lucky I consider myself to be married to the person I love, who is one of the most remarkable people I've ever known and has made me happier than I thought possible.”

 

Their eyes were locked now and Mark knew that Seb was on the verge of getting emotional so he dipped in and stole a kiss. Around them applause broke out and Sebastian put his arms around Mark's neck to be pulled in tighter.

“You're so sneaky,” whispered Seb.

“Yeah,” smiled Mark.

As they loosened their hold Sebastian looked out at everyone and tried to think what to add.

“I don't know what to say now,” he admitted. “Just, the same really, we're very thankful for your support and it's so nice everybody came. It means a lot. We're so happy now. Mark's just the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm so glad we're married, it's just, really the best thing...”

Seb's voice caught and he gave up trying to say any more as their family and friends responded with their best wishes and raised glasses and bottles to say cheers. Mark's father stood up and raised his bottle of beer.

“To Seb and Mark.”

Everyone took the prompt and those who were sat jumped up and raised whatever they had once more.

“To Seb and Mark!”

Sebastian leaned in even closer to Mark. He was not going to cry in front of everyone like this. He rested his head into Mark's shoulder and took in a deep breath to steady himself.

“And happy fortieth Mark!” added in Jenson.

 

Everyone echoed this wish as well and Mark shook his head at his friend stood by DC, clearly having plotted this.

“You next mate,” he joked.

Mark looked down to Seb and Sebastian scrunched his face.

“I don't think I said that very well,” he whispered.

“Yeah you did, you said it fine darling.”

They sat back down, though Mark and Sebastian stayed pressed into one another. As they did so plenty more congratulations came their way and they responded as best they could before the general conversation started back up and their mothers decided it was a good time to start serving up the desert of strawberries and meringue with cream they had been saving up. Heike noticed how Seb only ate the strawberries from his bowl, but then she had to admit that Mark did the same and she suspected that if she looked around the other drivers present she would find they were no different. Her son hadn't budged from leaning into Mark and they were smiling, looking as happy as they had said in their speech, so there was no point worrying about anything else right now.

  
  


  
  


  
  


As the evening got later a few of their guests started to make their excuses to leave. Christian headed off around the same time as Adrian took his family home. As it got near eight Lewis came over with his brother, apologising and explaining that he too ought to get going so he could see his family. As Roscoe and Coco fussed around their feet Seb offered them a last drink of water before they began their journey and popped back into the kitchen to re-fill the bowls they'd assigned them. While he was gone Lewis and Nic repeated their thanks for inviting them and apologised again that they couldn't stay later.

Mark shook his head.

“No don't worry about it,” he assured them. “Really, we're very pleased you could come. Seb especially. It means a lot to him you know?”

“Ah no problem man,” replied Lewis.

“Yeah it's been really nice,” added Nic. “I had a good catch up with Fabian.”

Lewis clapped his brother on the arm.

“Sharing their woes on being the little brother,” he teased.

“I know Fabe was looking forward to seeing you,” stated Mark. “Always good to talk with someone in the same boat as you, or well, similar anyway.”

“Yeah course,” agreed Nic. “Hopefully we'll coincide at a race sometime.”

“Absolutley,” nodded Mark, “and Lewis, I mean I know how things can be when you're competing, but Seb really appreciates having someone around when I'm not there.”

“Course,” shrugged Lewis. “Good to have someone to hang out with now and then.”

“I appreciate it too mate.”

Lewis frowned a little at the way Mark said that.

“No problem. Helps me too. Just good to step back from it all you know.”

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

 

Just then Seb re-emerged with two filled water bowls he set down for the dogs who rapidly lapped it up while they made small talk about where they had variously been on holiday before Lewis gave the dogs a rub.

“That'll do you pups. Time to go. Seb, Mark, thanks for having us. It's been really great to see you.”

“Yeah,” echoed Nic. “And see your amazing house.”

“Ha,” laughed Seb, “I'm not sure it's that amazing.”

“”Oh it is,” insisted Lewis. “I'm not sure I'd suit living this far out in the middle of nowhere, but it's a great pad.”

Mark huffed a laugh at the phrasing. He put an arm around Seb.

“Suits us doesn't it?”

“Yep,” agreed Sebastian.

“The pool and gym really is cool,” assured Lewis. “Nice to have privacy like this.”

“Yeah that's pretty important to us.”

“I'll bet. Ah well, guess you won't be moving to Monaco then?”

“No,” smiled Seb. “I don't think we will, will we Liebling?”

“Nope 'fraid not,” agreed Mark.

“Ah well, guess I'll see you in Spa?”

“Yep. I'll be there.”

“Are you likely to be there?” Seb enquired of Nic.

“No, maybe later in the year.”

“Ah okay.”

“I'll let you know,” offered Lewis, “we could all hang out.”

“I'd like that,” nodded Seb.

“Cool, well thanks again. We'd better get going.”

“Sure.”

  
  


They walked them through and exchanged goodbyes and hugs as they let them out. As Lewis got the dogs into the back of the car he gave the couple stood on the doorstep a wave goodbye and smiled as they waved back. He climbed into the car beside his brother.

“Alright then?”

“Yeah. They're nice aren't they?” responded Nic.

“Yeah they are. More to life than just racing.”

“Ha,” Nic laughed.

Lewis smiled and shrugged. As they pulled out of the drive and Seb and Mark disappeared inside, Lewis thought how he was almost sure there was more there he was missing with them. Mark especially somehow. The way he'd thanked him for spending time with Seb almost as if he was looking after him. Then again everyone knew how protective Mark was. Lewis supposed after the accident a year ago that wasn't really surprising. He didn't think he'd ever forget what it had been like to see them in hospital afterwards; Seb appearing so fragile and out of it and Mark clearly exhausted with worry. It felt like a long time ago to Lewis, but perhaps it didn't to them? It probably explained the way they hardly let go of one another, though he wasn't quite sure what explained the hug Mark had just given him. Not so much the hug, but the way he did it. As he released him Lewis had been almost sure Mark was about to say something, but all he had said had been _'bye,_ ' so maybe it was nothing? He wasn't going to ask.

  
  


Back inside the house Seb and Mark walked into the kitchen and got themselves some more drinks.

“You know he flew in specially for this from the States,” commented Seb.

“Did he? That was good of him.”

“Yeah. I mean he is seeing family too, but still.”

“Well I'm sure he wanted to be here.”

“Mm, yeah I just thought maybe he'd be too busy,” shrugged Seb.

Mark shook his head at Sebastian still not considering himself a priority for others.

“Of course people wanted to come,” Mark assured him.

“I guess. It's nice they did though. How's Fernando getting on?”

“Hm? Fine. He was talking to JB last I saw. Why?”

“No I just... It's really nice he came.”

“You still feel a bit weird around him?”

“A bit,” conceded Seb. “he's always decent to me it's just, you know.”

“Sure.”

“It's fine. I don't know, maybe when he retires we'll feel more normal around one another.”

Mark huffed a laugh and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah maybe don't bring that up with him darling.”

“Oh?”

“Mm, bit of a sore topic.”

“Ah, okay I won't mention it.”

“I think he's sick of the press bringing it up lately,” explained Mark.

“Mm well I know what that's like,” agreed Seb.

“Yeah. Right, want a drink?”

“Think I'm switching back to water Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Yeah very sensible darling, me too.”

He opened the fridge to take out two bottles of water, handing one to Seb who in turn passed over a couple from the side to replace them. Their fridge was still almost as full as it had been eight hours ago, which given the amount of to-ing and fro-ing their had been to take things from it, was quite an achievement.

They went back outside to recommence chatting with family and friends as the light weakened in the sky and the mood similarly mellowed around them.

  
  


 

 

As it got later on Mark stood talking with Jenson while Seb was a little way over, deep in conversation with Jess.

“Those two look hugger-mugger,” observed Jenson.

“Mm.”

Jenson frowned.

“Everything's alright isn't it?”

Mark puffed out a breath, guessing what it was they were discussing. Seb had told him that he wanted to tell them if they got the chance and they were placed a way over from anyone else stood here by the dying barbecue. He looked to Jenson and sighed.

“Listen mate I know you can keep things to yourself can't you?”

Jenson's frown deepened.

“Of course, yeah you know you can rely on me.”

“Yep...” Mark looked around. “Okay so our family know about this, but we've not mentioned it to others yet. We don't really want the press picking it up.”

“The press? We're hardly going to go running to the press are we?”

“No course not, just...”

Jenson shook his head and stepped in closer.

“It's fine mate I won't mention it to anyone, what is it?”

Mark glanced to Seb, hoping he was right about what they were talking about. From the expression on both their faces he was pretty sure he was correct.

“Before we went on holiday we had some news,” Mark began.

“Okay. Something not good I take it?”

Mark huffed a breath.

“Honestly mate I don't even know if I can say any more. Good and bad I suppose, but it was pretty damn upsetting for Seb, me too I suppose, but it hit Seb hard and we're only just getting past it, as best we can anyway.”

“What was it?”

“Heikki. I mean you know who he is right?”

“Right.”

“Or I should say was.”

Jenson's eyebrows rose.

“Was?”

“Yeah. That's the thing.” Mark sighed, standing yet closer to his friend. “Turns out he was killed in a traffic accident.”

“Killed,” repeated Jenson, sounding shocked.

“Yeah for which I'm unapologetically not in the least sorry, but the point was he was only a few miles from here, in Milton Keynes.”

“Bloody hell.”

“Exactly.”

“I thought he wasn't allowed anywhere near.”

“Well it turns out he was travelling on a false passport.”

“Oh my god.”

“And following Seb about again.”

“Jesus,” sighed Jenson.

“There were photos of Seb, and me in some of them. We had to go down to the police station and see them so Seb could confirm where they were taken.”

“Where were they taken?”

“All over. A few near here though thankfully none actually at the house, some at races.”

“Actually at the races?”

“No round and about, outside his hotel in Hungary, and where we were going for a meal in Germany. He wouldn't dare actually go to a track seeing as he knew security would spot him.”

“My god though that's awful. So he was stalking him again?”

“Yeah.” Mark shook his head and sighed. “That one of him in Hungary on his own. Christ, even thinking about it turns my stomach. To think what might have happened.”

“Nothing did though?”

“No, thank god he's such a bloody coward he just lurked in the shadows out of sight. Seb thought he saw something occasionally but never anything solid you know. He thought he was imagining things.”

“Christ that's awful.”

Mark nodded.

“It was only for a few months apparently but it's bad enough.”

“Of course it is. Bloody hell. So you only found this out recently?”

“Yeah just as we were meant to go away. We had to delay things.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah it was a really nasty shock, even, I mean maybe it won't make sense, but even being told he was dead.”

“Right, I see.”

“For Seb I mean. Though obviously I wasn't happy either finding out what had been going on.”

“No mate.”

“And then... Look really you can't go telling anyone this.”

“I won't. I promise Mark, really.”

“Yeah I know, sorry, just...” Mark sighed. “When we went to the police station to look at the photos for them they did something... really I don't know how I let it happen, but they sort of steam-rollered us into it, Seb that is.”

 

He looked at Jenson's furrowed brow and once again Mark hoped Seb was giving Jess the full story so he wasn't out of turn.

“They asked him to identify the body.”

Jenson's jaw dropped.

“You're fucking kidding me?”

“No. I wish I was. The woman in charge said there was no one else and she pretty much blackmailed him into it telling him it would help close the case, but it was just bloody awful, for Seb I mean to have to go through it.”

“Of course, Christ I can't even imagine.”

“No. I went with him of course and it was unpleasant even for me, but for Seb.” Mark shook his head and sighed again. “Really you've no idea how tough that was for him.”

Jenson nodded seriously and glanced back to see Jessica giving Seb a hug.

“It took us half our holiday just to try to get back to an even keel,” admitted Mark.

“Yeah. God Mark I'm sorry.”

“Thanks.”

“Though I guess I see what you mean about it being good and bad.”

“Yeah.” Mark puffed out a breath. “The bastard's dead and I won't shed a tear over that.”

“No.”

“I don't even care if it sounds heartless.”

Jenson shook his head.

“It doesn't. He was a shit wasn't he?”

“Yeah I think that's an understatement.”

Mark was looking over to Seb once more, their friends couldn't know just _how_ much of an understatement it was.

  
  


  
  


Only a dozen feet away a not entirely dissimilar conversation was taking place between Seb and Jess as they sat on a rug together. Jessica shook her head as she leaned into him.

“So all that time?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh Seb, that's so horrible.”

“Yeah.”

Jessica gave his arm a rub and looked at him sympathetically.

“Why didn't you say anything?”

“I thought I was imagining it. That's the thing you see, that's what he did. He messed with my head. He did it on purpose.”

“I can't understand how anybody could behave that way.”

“No me neither. I think, well, I'll never know really, but like I said, he was messed-up.”

Jess nodded again.

“And to go so far as to get a false passport.”

“Yeah.”

“A mind like that.” Jess shook her head as she looked at him. “He really was dangerous wasn't he?”

Sebastian looked back at her and Jess could see something in his eyes he couldn't voice. She shook her head sadly again then pulled him into a hug.

“So he's gone,” stated Jess, trying to pick things up.

“Yeah.”

“Well thank god. I'm sorry Seb but thank god. He brought nothing good with him.”

“No.”

“I know it's still horrible, but it is something isn't it, to know he can't cause any more trouble?”

“Yeah it is. It's just taken me a long time to really accept that.”

“Of course.”

“I guess that's partly why I hadn't said anything.”

“Oh no that's alright.”

“It took most of the holiday for it to sink in. Poor Mark. First we had to delay going and then he had to put up with me just sitting there the whole time. I couldn't even really talk to him for days. I just went into myself and it took so long to climb back out,” Seb explained.

“Oh sweetie don't feel bad about that. I'm sure Mark understands.”

“No he does, of course he does. He's been amazing. I would totally have fallen apart without him.”

“Well I'm sure that's not true, but it's good he was there for you.”

“He's always there.”

“Yeah.”

“I really did fall apart Jess. When Christian told me I just... I don't even know, I felt like I was struck by lightning. Mark brought me out here and I had a total meltdown.”

“Seb of course you were upset.”

 

Sebastian looked at her wondering how much he could admit.

“They had to get the doctor,” he confessed.

Jessica frowned.

“The doctor?”

“The team doctor. Christian rang him up to come here. I guess I mean after what happened in Hungary and last year... I think I freaked him out a bit.”

“Why?”

“I sort of shut down. I just couldn't cope. The doc said it was shock.”

“Oh god, that's awful.”

“I must have really worried Mark as well.”

“Mm well of course he worries, but you seem so much better now.”

Seb gave her a look.

“It was over two weeks ago.”

“Even so.”

“Yeah.” Seb shrugged a shoulder. “I think my brain took a while to really accept it. You know, that's he's dead, even though I'd actually seen the body.”

“God Seb I can't believe they made you do that.”

“Well they didn't really make me. I felt like I had to.”

“That's what I mean.”

“No but for me, so I really knew without any doubt that it couldn't be fake. You see that's how bad it had got with him tricking me and the false passport and everything. I knew logically that the police weren't about to make something up, but I had to see it for myself.”

“I suppose, but it's still awful.”

“Yeah it was.”

“You were brave though to do it.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh.

“Afterwards I went straight outside and threw up.”

“Oh Seb.”

“Not so brave.”

Jessica shook her head.

“I think that shows just how brave you really were.”

“It's the stupidest thing, but I was half convinced he'd sit up and grab me.” Seb looked at her. “My heart was pounding in there. I was so scared.”

Jess nodded.

“Brave Seb, like I said. I bet Mark wasn't too happy.”

“He did try to talk me out of it.”

“No not with you, with the police asking you to do it.”

“Oh. Oh well I guess. I don't know. After we were done we just left as soon as we could and came home, then... well as I said, I was in a pretty bad way and I just needed to let things settle for a bit, inside you know?”

“Sure. So did your holiday help?”

“Yeah Mark just gave me space until I could come out of myself a bit and get back to normal. As normal as I ever get anyway.”

Jess pulled a face.

“Tsk you are normal.”

“I guess.”

“You're better than normal.”

Seb gave her a little smile.

“Thanks.”

 

Jess put an arm around him and gave him a squeeze.

“Okay, so awful as all that stuff is. In a way it's good isn't it? You know, so you can really put it behind you and move on.”

“Yeah. It is. I do feel a lot free-er,” admitted Seb. “Like I didn't realise how much that stuff was holding on to me.”

“But now it's gone.”

“Well not quite gone. I don't think I can quite have that, but to really have it behind me, yeah.”

“So that's good.”

“Yeah. Yeah it really is.” Sebastian sighed and looked out at their family and friends still enjoying themselves as the night slowly fell around them. “This is so nice. I could never have imagined having this.”

Jessica guessed he didn't mean a party.

“It's nice.”

“I know it's not very flash.”

“No that's why it's good. It's you. You're not flash are you?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Nope definitely not.”

  
  


At that point Shadow and Simba trotted over having finally abandoned Fabian and Ryan as they sat at the table playing a cards game with Jemma and Abbey with Norbert and Alan.

“Hello,” greeted Jess as Sebastian gave them a welcoming rub.

“Have you remembered who your masters are?” asked Mark.

Seb looked up to see he had walked over with Jenson.

“Oh hey.”

“Alright there?”

“Yep.”

“We were just having a nice catch up,” commented Jess.

“Mm.”

“You know I'm getting a bit cold. I left a cardigan in the house. Give me a hand up Jense.”

Jessica put her hands up and her husband helped her to her feet.

“See you in a bit,” she parted.

“Sure,” nodded Seb. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Jess was about to add something else, but Mark was already taking her spot on the rug and she lead Jenson away to walk back to the house, leaving them to it.

  
  


 

Sebastian leaned into Mark, dropping his head onto his shoulder.

“You okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah just... I told Jess about what happened, with Heikki.”

“Right.”

“Not all of it obviously, just what happened before our holiday.”

“Sure. I guessed as much.”

“Did you?”

Mark fitted his arm around Seb.

“Yeah.”

“With your psychic powers?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Cos you'd got Jess alone and yeah, I dunno, from your body-language.”

“Oh right.”

“I told Jenson too.”

“Oh okay.”

“I thought I should.”

“Yeah no of course.”

“Only the facts sweetheart, not everything.”

Sebastian nodded against him.”

“Course, no that's good. They should both know.”

“Yeah.”

“I do wish really that we could tell them about us wanting to adopt.”

“Mm.”

Seb lifted his head to look at Mark.

“Do you think, maybe when we get an answer from the board we could tell them? I know even if they say yes we could be a long way off, but...”

“Sure, yeah I think we should.”

Sebastian dropped his head back down.

“Yeah, okay good. I sort of feel bad we haven't told our families.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Do you want to?”

“Kind of. But then not really if we don't have an answer. They'll just get their hopes up and if we don't get approved I just don't think I can stand to have to make that phone-call.”

 

Mark closed his eyes for a moment imagining the heart-break that would entail. He put his other arm around Seb and lowered his forehead into Seb's temple before kissing his cheek.

“No, okay we'll wait.”

Sebastian looked up at him.

“I just don't want to put any more weight on it than there is already Liebling.”

“I know. I understand sweetheart it's fine.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian sighed, then reached out to give the dogs a little stroke where they had chosen to pile in around them.

“Thank you.”

“That's okay. You're right. Much more sensible to wait and have one thing to tell them.”

“I kind of meant for today.”

“Oh.” Mark huffed a little laugh. “Well I think we can safely say this was a joint effort.”

“Yeah.”

“It is nice though isn't it?”

“Yeah. Maybe we should do it again next year?”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“We'll probably only just have tidied up by then.”

“Ah no everyone will help tomorrow. It won't be so bad. We'll just get a bunch of bin-bags out and blitz it in the morning.”

“Do we get a lie-in first?”

Sebastian turned his head and smiled up at him.

“Yeah I think we get a lie-in.”

“I'm pretty sure the kids have worked out where stuff is in the kitchen. They can fend for themselves for an hour or two.”

“Yeah okay. We can have a big lazy brunch after we've tidied up.”

“Now _that_ darling, sounds like a plan,” smiled Mark.

Seb reached up and gave him a kiss, not caring in the slightest who was likely to see.

  
  


  
  


Over by the house David leant into the wall, chatting to Fernando. They'd never been the very best of friends whilst racing, but DC was a long time retired and Fernando found his company more restful than the bouncy enthusiasm of the antipodean racers Dan and Brendon who were currently indulging Ryan and Fabian by joining in their card game at a table. Fernando sipped his water and saw the way David smiled to see Seb and Mark sat a way over on their own.

“They appear content yes?” commented Fernando.

“They do indeed mate, yeah.”

Just then Mark and Seb kissed and the two couldn't help but continue to look. DC coughed a laugh.

“ _Very_ content.”

“Mm.”

David turned to see the amused smile on Fernando's face.

“Does it feel strange to see it?” enquired David.

“I think we have seen it many times by now.”

“Guess that's true.”

Fernando shrugged.

“It still is a little strange sometimes perhaps, but... no I do not think so. I have known about Mark for a long time you know.”

“Yeah.”

“You too?”

“Yeah mate. I was never gonna say though was I?”

“No of course. That is good.”

“I never clicked about the pair of them though,” admitted DC. “Did you?”

Fernando smiled to himself and David pulled a face.

“You knew?”

Fernando flicked up his eyebrows and gave a Gallic shrug.

“I knew he liked him.”

David huffed and shook his head.

“How did I not know? Tsk, first I bloody knew of it they were all over each other in the garage in Monte Carlo.”

Fernando laughed.

“It must have been a surprise then.”

“Yeah I'll say. I nearly choked on the microphone mid-commentary.”

Fernando laughed again and David joined him.

“It was a good joke to play on the world I think,” noted Fernando.

“A joke?”

“A twist then,” allowed Fernando. “I do not mean they plan it, no, but perhaps it was best in the end. Secrets are not so good for people.”

“No. No you're right there mate.”

“And I think though it was hard for them, they are much happier now, yes?”

“Yep I think that much is very clear. All married and everything,” agreed DC. “Did you know about that as well?”

“Not until after.”

“But they told you before Seb spilled it to the press?”

“Well yes.”

David sighed.

“It's cos I'm media. I know.”

“You cannot blame them?”

“I don't. It's just... it sucks sometimes.”

“They are very cautious,” noted Fernando. “I think perhaps that is understandable.”

“No it totally is. I get it. I just... No you're right, what could they do? _I_ know I wouldn't say anything, but it must be hard to trust people.”

“I think they cannot afford to make life more complicated than it is already. You understand of course why they wished to marry?”

“Apart from being in love?”

Fernando smiled and gave a tip of his head.

“Of course, but Sebastian's accident.”

“Yeah. I've no doubt that changes things.”

“Perhaps things that... I do not know the word, that you would halt?”

“Hesitate?” offered DC.

“Ah yes, I think this is it, yes, that you would hesitate before, you would not after.”

“Yes I'm sure you're right,” agreed David. “Yeah seize the moment and all that.”

 

“What are you seizing?” asked Jenson coming out of the kitchen to stand with them. Jess carried on and spotting Seb's sisters with Mark's sister went to go sit with them.

David smiled and nodded over to Seb and Mark sat on the grass.

“Mostly them two doing the seizing.”

Jenson looked and saw the two sat closely together, Mark's arm around Seb and the two of them not looking particularly interested in anyone but each other.

“Ah, well this is their wedding party isn't it?”

“Good point,” agreed David. “On which note how is it you got invited when nobody else did?”

Jenson shrugged.

“Good looks and charm.”

David rolled his eyes.

“Not your wit then?”

“Oh that too, naturally.”

“Naturally.”

The other two laughed and shook their heads, knowing too well what Jenson was like.

“So mate, what's this I hear about you wanting to come join us in the merry world of WEC?” asked Jenson changing the subject.

Fernando shook his head and looked to David.

“Ah I see nothing, hear nothing, I promise,” vowed DC.

“Well perhaps, one day,” allowed Fernando.

“One day?” pushed Jenson.

“One day. To all those who wait, good things should come.”

Jenson sighed.

“Very cryptic. You know it might surprise you to know I'm actually an excellent secret-keeper.”

“Are you indeed?” smiled David.

“Yes. Although obviously I'm not going to say what about as that would rather prove me wrong wouldn't it?”

 

David rolled his eyes.

“Bloody hell I give up. I need another drink. Anyone want one?”

Jenson held up the full water bottle he held and Fernando shook his head.

“I am driving. I presume you are not?”

“Nope, this good man here nobly volunteered to give me a lift to and from the hotel.”

“Hah, _volunteered_ ,” smiled Jenson.

“Well he didn't say no when I asked. So anything for you Fernando?”

“I will just have water thank you.”

“Right you are. Party people eh? I don't think this is how F1 went in the seventies.”

“In the nineteen seventies I think perhaps they knew their next race might be their last,” pointed out Fernando.

“There's a sobering thought,” acknowledged DC. “Better fix that, see you in a sec.”

He disappeared inside to fetch himself a drink and Jenson and Fernando were left to discuss more ordinary matters, neither of them bothering to pay much attention to Mark and Sebastian on the grass.

  
  


 

As it got properly dark Mark and Seb came back over to chat with their friends before they left and by ten o'clock they were back to it just being family remaining. They joined them at the tables lit by the old candles Seb had dug back out from the kitchen drawers and they sat drinking and chatting for another half hour before the oldest generation called it quits and declared they were going to bed.

“Oh we were thinking we might leave it late tomorrow morning,” suggested Seb, “have a tidy up and then a big brunch out here?”

“That sounds like a good plan,” complimented Diane.

“Yes I think we could use that lie-in,” agreed Norbert.

“Just don't go getting up and doing all the work before we do,” Seb's mother instructed.

“No alright, we won't,” Seb agreed. “We could do with a lie-in as well.”

“There we go then, no rushing about tomorrow,” added Alan. “Night all. You can stay up as late as you like now can't you?”

Leanne shook her head at him offering that with a grin to the kids sat at the far end.

“Ah _Dad_.”

“Oh they're on holiday, let them enjoy themselves.”

Leanne sighed and shook her head as her parents said their goodnights and went in. By her side her husband shrugged.

“They can have a lie-in too.”

“Hmm.” Leanne looked at her kids. “If you're staying up you have to promise to stay in bed tomorrow morning. No getting up at the crack of dawn and waking people.”

She looked to her brother for support.

“Mark tell them.”

Mark held up his hands.

“Hey they're your kids.”

Leanne gave him a look for being unhelpful.

“You can come in if you need to,” Mark assured the kids.

“Well of course they can come in,” allowed Leanne. “I'm not saying they have to pee in the garden.”

Half the table burst out laughing and Leanne relented.

“Alright fine, get up when you like, but please don't wake people.”

 

All three of her children assured her that they had no intention of waking people, especially when she dropped a heavy hint that if they woke the baby there would be hell to pay, despite the fact that Stefanie thought Sofie would wake when she chose anyway.

“You can help yourselves to breakfast if you're up,” offered Seb.

“Quietly,” added Leanne.

“Well, yeah and just toast, cereal. We'll make a big brunch later on.”

“We could walk the dogs for you?” offered Ryan.

“Um, well if Fabe is with you I guess that's okay?”

Seb looked to his sister-in-law who nodded.

“I'm sure that would be helpful, yes, as long as Fabian goes with you.”

“I can do that,” assured Fabian.

“Good lad,” thanked Mark.

“No going in the pool without supervision,” added Dean thinking he ought to at least win some brownie points with his wife.

“Yes good point, no swimming till someone's up to keep an eye on you.”

Jemma rolled her eyes and looked about to protest, but Fabian spoke up again.

“We could go swimming after we've tidied up to have a cool-down.”

“There's a good idea,” agreed Mark. “Right then, everything's planned for the morning. Who wants more drink, more food? I think there's some cold sausages going begging.”

“Ah.”

Mark turned to a guilty-looking Fabian.

“I may have given them to Shadow and Simba.”

“ _May_ have?” smiled Mark, knowing that meant he definitely had.

Sebastian shook his head and looked to the dogs who had settled down contentedly beside the table.

“Ach Fabe, they'll be stuffed. You better had take them for that walk in the morning.”

“I will.”

“Yeah alright.”

  
  


Mark was taking orders for drinks and getting up to go into the kitchen so Seb went with him. They stood lining them up on the counter, ignoring all the unwashed crockery and cutlery piled by the sink.

“We've still got loads of drink Liebling. How is that?”

Mark shrugged.

“People brought stuff didn't they?”

“Oh I suppose.”

“Won't need to buy anything for a while at any rate.”

Sebastian smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“That's true.”

He looked up to see his brother walking in.

“Can I have a beer?” asked Fabian.

“Oh I dunno Fabe,” stopped Seb.

“Dad let me earlier.”

“Did he?”

“Well yeah, one, but that was ages ago.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who shrugged, but Seb looked back to his brother.

“I think maybe not Fabe. You're sat with Ryan aren't you?”

“So?”

“He's only twelve. He looks up to you.”

Fabian looked to Mark, but Seb was looking to him too.

“The girls aren't drinking are they?” Seb checked.

Mark paused but he shook his head.

“Sorry Fabe they're not.”

Sebastian stepped in closer to his brother.

“Beer's not that exciting. We're on the water.”

“Hmm.”

“You'll only give yourself a headache for the morning after all this heat,” advised Mark. “Come on, there's still all these meringues and stuff left over. Why don't you help us distribute them so we've less stuff to deal with tomorrow?”

“Yeah okay," relented Fabian. "Are there any strawberries?”

Mark smiled.

“Just the one punnet. Let's get a tray and you can be in charge mate.”

 

Sebastian gave Mark a smile for distracting his brother and they loaded up with things to take outside. As hoped, his little brother was soon more interested in tucking into a late pudding along with the rest and Seb could relax, leaning into Mark's side as the remains of the family chatted until it really did get late and people started dropping out after a long day. Leanne finally packed her kids off to sort themselves out ready to troop off to their tents and Fabian went with them without being asked. As they walked inside depositing glasses and plastic bowls into the kitchen Mel smiled at Leanne.

“You know Mum would have gone ten rounds with Fabe getting him to go to bed.”

Leanne shrugged.

“In my experience kids are always more polite to almost anyone other than their own parents. Although having said that ours have been very good this weekend.”

“Remarkably good,” added Dean. “But then I reckon they're all trying to show off how grown up they are in company. Even Ryan.”

Leanne smiled.

“That's true. Long may it last. Right, Mark you sure you don't want us doing anything tonight to make a start on all this?”

“No no, leave it. We'll blast it in the morning,” insisted Mark.

“If you say so. Night then.”

 

Goodnights were said and people headed off upstairs or in Mel's case to her make-do bedroom in the dining room. Mark and Sebastian tidied the last of the glasses to be sure they wouldn't fall over and break in the night, then looked about them.

“God it's a tip,” smiled Mark. “Good job Pauline left a while ago.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“We'd be dragging her out of here if she saw this. Oh well, tomorrow right?”

“Yep, come on, bed.”

Seb nodded and Mark put his arm around him, giving him a kiss on the cheek as they looked to be sure that the dogs had settled down in their baskets.

“Night boys, well done for being good hosts today,” thanked Seb.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Don't go leading the kids astray in the morning.”

Sebastian shook his head as they walked out.

“They wouldn't.”

“I know.” Mark huffed a little laugh. “You know it's the dogs taking the kids for a walk, not the other way around?”

Seb raised an eyebrow.

“Is that true when it's us as well?”

Mark laughed again.

“Quite possibly. Oh well, at least they're good masters to us.”

Sebastian chuckled along as they made their way up the stairs.

  
  


  
  


Even with a couple of bathrooms available it still took a while before they got to bed seeing as Seb and Mark felt they ought to be sure to allow their guests to go first before they went in there. As Mark finally slid into bed, Seb looked at him before he switched off the bedside light.

“Did you lock the door?”

Mark flicked off the lamp and settled next to him.

“Yes I locked the door darling, just in case your mother felt compelled to pop in during the night to check if we're wearing pyjamas.”

“We're _not_ wearing pyjamas.”

“Hence the door being locked.”

Mark couldn't really see Seb rolling his eyes in the low-light but he knew he did it, so he smiled and leaned in to give him a kiss before slipping his hand around Sebastian's waist to pull him closer.

“I am quite certain our parents fell asleep long ago darling.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Both your dad and my dad put away a good couple of glasses of the red stuff this evening while they were sat there setting the world to rights. I'm actually surprised we can't hear mine snoring.”

“They're on the other side of the house.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You've not heard my dad snore. I reckon the kids'd hear it outside.”

Sebastian laughed against him.

“We've had a few drinks too,” he noted.

“So we have. Let me know if I snore then.”

 

Seb smiled and snuggled in closer.

“You don't snore.”

“That's good.”

“You're meant to say I don't snore either,” protested Seb.

Mark rubbed his nose against Seb's to tease him.

“Believe me darling I'd have mentioned it before now.”

“Maybe it's an old person thing?”

“Maybe. I guess if you're still together after all that time you don't care so much. You won't chuck me out of bed if I snore when we're old will you?” checked Mark.

“No Liebling I promise.”

“Good.”

Mark gave him a kiss and felt Sebastian smile against him.

“I'd never chuck you out of bed Liebling,” assured Sebastian.

“Very reassuring darling. Me neither.”

“I've woken you up plenty of times.”

Mark stroked a hand down Sebastian's side.

“Don't worry about that.”

 

Sebastian let out a long sigh and Mark moved his cheek to rub into his.

“Okay?” he checked.

“Yeah. I think that booze might have gone to my head.”

“You only had a couple of bottles,” Mark pointed out.

“I know. Lightweight.”

Mark huffed a laugh and Seb smiled as he felt the air brush against his face.

“All that sun too,” added Seb. “I feel nicely fuzzy.”

“Nicely fuzzy?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Today was good wasn't it?” judged Sebastian.

“Yes darling, really great.”

Seb let out a long sigh.

“I'm so relieved.”

“Relieved?”

“Well, pleased then.”

“Good. It's only family and friends darling, they all wanted to be here. Everybody had a good time.”

“Yeah.”

“You had a good time too didn't you?” checked Mark.

“Yeah I did. It was lovely.”

Mark smiled and gave him a little kiss.

“Good. It was our wedding party after all. You're supposed to enjoy it.”

“I did. It was a perfect day.”

“Perfect,” agreed Mark softly.

Sebastian shifted his head to kiss him and unconsciously moved his body against Mark too.

“Darling.”

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled and gave him another little kiss.

“You're going to get me carried away.”

“Maybe that would be nice?” teased Seb.

“Oh? Even with all our family around?”

 

Sebastian pressed his nose into Mark's, his voice no more than a whisper.

“I know we shouldn't.”

“Well... I suppose it is sort of our wedding night,” conceded Mark.

“Wedding party night,” Seb amended.

“Yeah that.”

Mark could feel Sebastian's chest moving against his own and was sure his heart was already beating a little faster.

“Liebling do you think we could be really really quiet?” whispered Seb.

“Oh I'm sure we can.”

“ _Really_ quiet,” emphasised Seb.

“Yes darling, really quiet, I promise,” vowed Mark, an irrepressible grin spreading over his face.

Mark kissed Seb, then gently leant him back to begin kissing him in earnest. Seb's breath went away and his already fuzzy head started spinning. He couldn't resist it. He was too happy tonight, things were really good for once and Seb wanted Mark to make their day truly perfect. He just had to breathe, just breathe, really _really_ quietly.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then seeing as I'm incapable of stopping writing, a little last bit to finish off is due, so let me know if you're all caught up and we'll see how we round this important weekend off before the season starts up again.


	165. Rain and Shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so it's Sunday night and a big one for the Olympics, so I don't know if anyone will be around to read this, but I said I would post this whole episode close together, so here's the last part of this 'chapter'. Hope you like it.

* * *

  
  


 

Mark was woken on Sunday morning by the sound of a baby crying. It took a moment to filter into his brain, then he blinked properly awake and as he took a deep waking breath Mark looked to see Seb leaning into him was already awake.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” replied Seb.

Mark gave him a little smile.

“She wake you?”

“Only just now.”

“No lie-in for Stef,” noted Mark.

“Or Jan.”

“No.”

They looked at one another for a moment, both wondering how that would be if it would be them any time soon. The bawling sound got louder and it was clear that one of her parents was taking Sofie downstairs, no doubt for a bottle to try to pacify her.

“Do you know what time it is?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian pulled away from him to check his phone on the side.

“Nine am.”

“Oh, well that's not so bad then.”

“No.”

“She did pretty well really.”

“Sofie?”

“Yeah.”

“You mean we didn't hear anything until now,” noted Seb.

“Ah good point. Well anyway. Shall we get up or give it five minutes?”

A little smile crept onto Seb's face.

“Five minutes Liebling.”

“Yeah very wise. Give 'em space.”

“While she stops crying.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and settled back into Mark. They could definitely afford five more minutes in bed together before facing the day and their family.

  
  


When they got up and went downstairs it was to find that the kids had indeed dutifully taken the dogs out for a walk, much to the amusement of their respective mothers who remarked that perhaps lie-ins spent in tents were less attractive than ones at home. Mark and Seb were glad to find that so far everyone was just helping themselves to drinks and the odd bit of toast and the only tidying so far had been to stick some things in to soak in the sink. They made themselves a drink and chatted while various members of the family took their turns in the bathrooms. Once Sofie had been fed she was much happier and made no fuss as she was passed over from her father to first Heike and then Diane who was trying not to be too obvious about how much she was enjoying having a baby to hold in her arms. Stef and Jan took the opportunity to grab showers and get dressed and the others looked about them.

“Perhaps we should make a start?” suggested Seb.

Leanne shook her head.

“Wait for them to come back from walking the dogs. They're not dodging the tidy-up.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian looked around for something to distract him. There was no point getting things ready for the brunch seeing as they needed _less_ things out, not more. His mother-in-law could see him floundering slightly so she took pity on him.

“Could you just take her a moment dear? I think I'll just grab a jumper. It's a bit colder today.”

“Oh um, sure.”

Sebastian took the baby into his arms and smiled at her to see she was happy before looking back to Diane.

“Do you think we'll be okay to eat out?”

“Oh we'll be fine. I'm just used to it being a bit hotter aren't I?”

 

She disappeared off to find an extra layer and Seb went to the back door to get a better look seeing as it was open.

“Bit cloudy,” he observed.

Mark came over to him and they stepped outside, Seb taking extra care to navigate the low step down whilst carrying Sofie.

“It is cooler,” he commented.

Mark shrugged.

“So we'll wear hoodies. It's fine.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Bit of a squeeze in the kitchen.”

Sebastian nodded. With people currently stood around in there, even with the table removed it felt crowded and that was without everyone there. Mark gave him a smile and an extra one for Sofie.

“We're not fussed are we?”

Seb huffed a laugh at Mark saying that as if Sofie might back him up.

“I think she's probably better actually. Yesterday was a bit hot for her.”

“Exactly. There we go then.”

 

They surveyed the detritus outside left from the barbecue the day before. Really only messy piles of disposable things used to eat and drink with plus bottles and other bits and pieces. The chairs and tables were still outside and Mark looked at them.

“Good job it's only a few days or they'd be getting damp.”

“Do you think they'll be okay?”

“Yeah it's only dew.”

“Yeah I guess. What shall we do for dinner later?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Let's worry about brunch first. We can see if there's enough food left to barbecue and if not, well, either scour the cupboards or nip out.”

“Yeah okay.”

“We could always get take-away,” proposed Mark.

“Really?”

“Yeah why not?”

“Would they deliver this far out?”

“We can ring and ask.”

“Yeah okay.”

“We won't starve sweetheart.”

“No.”

 

In the background they heard a noise and then Fabian came out, accompanied by the dogs who Mark admonished from getting over-excited to see them so they didn't disturb Sofie who was doing a good job of lying peacefully into her uncle.

“So Mum says you have to organise us to do a big clean before we can have any food,” announced Fabian.

Mark laughed and they turned around to go back into the kitchen, divvying up jobs to sort the house out. With many hands it didn't take long before all the rubbish was gathered into bin-bags, the washing up done on something close to a factory work line of people washing, drying and putting away. The tables and chairs were wiped down and re-ordered to make a nice long line again and Alan even gave the barbecue a clean so that within three-quarters of an hour the place finally looked back to normal, or as near as normal as it currently got.

  
  


Stef came downstairs to take the baby back to see all the work was pretty much done.

“Oh sorry,” she apologised. “I should have hurried up.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I didn't actually do anything either seeing as I had Sof.”

Mark smiled as he came over drying his hands with a tea-towel.

“You were baby-sitting. Perfectly legitimate job sweetheart.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Thanks Seb,” offered Stef. “So nice to take a relaxed shower and get to dry my hair without interruption.”

“That's okay. She was really good.”

“Were you?” smiled Stef to her daughter. “Typical.”

Mark huffed a laugh and reached to give his youngest niece a little rub on her cheek.

“You're a good girl aren't you eh?”

“Not so quiet this morning,” commented Jan. “So much for a lie-in.”

“We heard,” noted Seb.

“Oh did you? Sorry.”

“Oh no that's okay we'd have been getting up anyway.”

“At half-five?”

Sebastian frowned and then smiled as he realised.

“Ah. No we missed that one. I meant at nine.”

His sister laughed and shook her head.

“We don't need alarm clocks. Ah well, I'm glad you could sleep through it. You must have thick walls in this house.”

Mark smiled and Seb tried not to catch his eye.

“Yeah it's an old house,” explained Mark.

“I think your brain actually tunes you in to wake the moment your child starts crying,” suggested Jan.

“Yeah that and we're actually in the same room as her,” pointed out Stef.

“Oh well yeah there is that. Anyway she's good as gold now aren't you sweetheart?”

“She's been an angel most of the time,” chipped in Heike.

“She has,” agreed Stef. “I think she likes all the attention.

“No doubt. Right, are we going to make a start on this brunch?”

“Yep,” answered Sebastian. “I'm starving. My turn to do some work.”

  
  


His sister looked as if she was about to offer to help so Seb turned to her.

“Why don't you go sit outside?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Cup of tea?” offered Mark.

Stefanie smiled, knowing she was being told to allow them to fuss over her instead.

“Yeah okay, very kind thanks.”

“I'll bring it out.”

  
  


Not too long later they assembled themselves for another outdoor meal. It felt slightly odd to eat what was essentially an indulgent breakfast outside, but it worked well enough. The family chatted and ate, feeling as though their earlier chores meant they had earned it. Sebastian and Mark were feeling especially relaxed given how well the barbecue had gone the previous day and with the two sides of the family happily getting along it felt as though the weekend had achieved what they had set out to.

Further down from where they sat Ryan leaned closer to his mother who was sat beside him.

“Mum.”

“Yes?”

“So, like Fabe and I were talking and we were trying to work out what we are.”

Leanne frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we're related aren't we?”

“Oh I see. Yes.”

“So what are we?”

“You mean how are you related?”

“Yeah. What do we call it?”

Leanne put down her coffee cup and puffed a breath, looking to to her husband sat on her other side who shrugged.

“I don't know Ryan. Seb's your uncle now and Fabian's his brother.”

“Yeah I know that, but what does that make Fabe and me?”

“Hmm.”

“Are we like cousins?”

Leanne smiled and Dean laughed.

“Cousins?”

“Yeah,” shrugged Ryan.

He looked to Fabian who was sat at the end of the table near him.

“That's what we thought maybe. I mean not exactly but, it sort of sounded right...ish anyway.”

Fabian looked over and joined in.

“Everyone's sort of something-in-law aren't they? We couldn't work it out.”

Leanne smiled and shook her head.

“I don't know what you are officially. Something long-winded and complicated no doubt. Given your age I suppose cousins would make more sense perhaps. Would you like to be cousins?”

Ryan and Fabian looked at one another and shrugged.

“I guess,” nodded Ryan.

“Cousins-in-law?” offered Fabian.

Leanne laughed and nodded, then looked over to her brother and Seb a little way along on the other side.

“Ryan and Fabe have decided they're cousins-in-law,” she announced.

“Have they?” smiled Mark. “Fair enough. I'm not sure they do cards for that.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and his younger brother looked down the table at him.

“Is it stupid?”

“No it's nice. You can be whatever you want to be. We're family, that's all that matters.”

“Well said darling,” confirmed Mark.

Down the other end of the table the two boys nodded as if that decided things, then went back to demolishing all the food they could.

  
  


 

It got to nearly midday before everyone had reached the stage where even the boys were refusing offers of seconds and thirds of the remaining food and they started another clear up. The weather wasn't as warm and most of them had extra layers that they certainly hadn't needed the day before, then as they worked to ferry things into the kitchen the last bit of blue disappeared from the sky and the grey clouds darkened. Seb and Mark were just piling up the plates beside the sink and trying to persuade their mothers that they didn't need to do the washing up when Mel rushed inside.

“It's raining.”

Everyone turned around to look at her.

“Damn,” let out Mark, seeing the now heavy rain coming down out of the kitchen window.

Mel had just taken another step inside when she was almost crashed into by Ryan and Fabian complete with the dogs.

“It's pouring out there!” announced Fabian.

“Yeah it just started,” Ryan added with equal enthusiasm.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah we know, come in.”

Sebastian went past them and looked into the garden.

“All the chairs and stuff,” he sighed.

“At least we got the rest in,” pointed out Mark.

“Should we get them?”

 

The rain was bouncing down onto the table and chairs and over to the side the cleaned out barbecue had its lid wide open. Mark looked up to the sky hoping it might show signs this was a passing deluge, but the clouds looked heavy and he suspected they were there for the duration.

“Um, yeah maybe we'd better.” Mark turned back into the kitchen which still had at least half the family stood around either helping clear up or generally getting in the way. “Um better clear a space, we're gonna grab stuff in.”

He gave Seb a nod and they dashed out into the rain. Mark cut over the grass and shut the lid on the barbecue so at least it wouldn't fill like a bathtub. Meanwhile Seb was already trying to stack a couple of the chairs to carry inside and everyone bar their mothers and Stef had come out to help, shoulders hunched against the downpour as they disorganisedly grabbed the nearest chair to shove into the kitchen, all getting in each others path as they did so. Mark directed his nieces to start moving them out of the way into the hall while they brought first the kitchen table and then with some difficulty manoeuvred the heavy dining table into the kitchen, Mark, Seb, Jan and Dean holding wherever they could as they angled it in through the door.

As they set it down with a puff they all took in a breath and looked around them. The kitchen was now crammed with people and furniture, almost the whole floor now covered.

“Bloody hell,” sighed Mark.

Sebastian bit his lip and then saw how water dripped down Mark's nose and let out a little laugh before putting his hand over his mouth.

“Sorry Liebling.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“Right. Okay.”

He looked around again and rubbed at his jaw. The two tables took up a fair amount of space, but you could still get around if there weren't so many people in here. It was the chaos that made it look worse.

“I think if we just tidy up,” he started.

“They need drying,” instructed his mother.

She chucked a tea-towel in his direction and Mark grabbed it before looking to his nieces stood in the kitchen door-way.

“Jem, Abbey, can you go grab some towels from the changing room for us?”

“Sure.”

 

The girls dashed off and as more tea-towels were found people set to work drying things off. Mark reflected that he had always thought they had a large kitchen, but with almost the entire family plus two tables and most of the chairs it didn't feel that way. As they finished the task he puffed another breath and looked back out of the window, then over to his father.

“I think that puts the kibosh on another barbecue later.”

Alan nodded.

“English weather. What can you do?”

“Not much.”

“At least this wasn't yesterday,” commented Heike.

“True,” agreed Diane. “We've been very lucky really.”

“What about our tents?” worried Ryan.

“I'm sure they're fine.”

“The whole point of tents is to keep the rain out,” noted Dean.

Ryan looked unhappy so Mark went over to him.

“Why don't we see if it leaves off a bit and you can go check on your stuff?”

“Yeah okay.”

“You did zip them up didn't you?”

“Um, I think so.”

Mark shook his head and made his way around so he could peer out of the window at the tents in the distance.

“Looks like you did to me. I'm sure they'll be fine kiddo, don't worry about it.”

“Yeah okay.”

“If it doesn't dry up you can stay in tonight.”

“In the lounge?”

“I suppose it'll have to be.”

“The girls can come in with me,” offered Mel. “There's actually a lot of space in the dining room unless you want to stick the table back in.”

“Umm.”

Mark sighed and looked to his sister. Leanne turned to her daughters.

“That would be alright wouldn't it?”

“Um, I guess,” agreed Jemma. “I suppose we've got the blow-up beds and that.”

“It's kind of Mel to offer,” pointed out Leanne.

Mel laughed.

“My luxurious accommodation? Yeah no problem. It's only one night isn't it?”

“Thank you Mel,” replied Leanne, giving pointed looks to her daughters who echoed her thanks.

Mel shrugged.

“There we go. The boys can have the lounge and we'll all make do.”

“Thanks Mel,” added Mark.

“It might clear up,” suggested Norbert.

 

They all looked out of the window at the rain now belting down outside and everyone exchanged raised eyebrows, even Norbert acknowledging that he was being pretty optimistic.

“Right, okay why don't you all go clear out of the way and we'll finish washing up?” proposed Heike.

“We'll help,” offered Seb.

“No dear go and have a sit down.”

“Mum...”

“No just give us space to get on. You can can come and put things away if you want.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who shrugged.

“Come on, let's go sit in the lounge. We can go for a swim in a bit,” he proposed.

“In the pool or the back garden?”

Mark laughed and shook his head as they left their mothers to it.

  
  


The majority of the family decamped to the lounge where Stef had been sat with the baby out of the way. As they found places to sit and shared out cushions for those left with the floor Seb perched by his sister Mel.

“I'm sorry about you getting left with the dining room while you're here,” he apologised.

Mel laughed and shook her head.

“Seb I was joking. It's no big deal.”

“Really?”

“Hey at least you didn't stick me in the garden like Fabe.”

Sebastian frowned and his sister rubbed his arm.

“Lighten up. Come on, it's fine. That bed's quite comfy really.”

“Is it? We tried to get a decent one.”

“Did you buy it specially?”

“Well yeah.”

“Ah Seb, bless your heart, I could have made do with a blow-up bed like the kids.”

“I wanted you to feel welcome.”

“I do feel welcome you daft thing. Packed to the roofters aren't we? I really don't mind.”

“Okay, thanks. You'll be alright if Jemma and Abbey have to sleep indoors tonight with you?”

“It's fine. We'll have a girly sleepover,” assured Mel.

Sebastian smiled.

“Thanks. You'll have to come another time when it's not so many people.”

“And get my own bedroom and everything?”

Seb looked at his sister, but he knew when she was teasing.

“Yeah your very own proper bed.”

“That is tempting. I may have to hold you to that.”

“Do. I'm really glad you came.”

“Course. Me too.” Melanie gave her brother a smile. “You know it's really nice to see you all settled. I'm quite jealous.”

Sebastian looked back at her, wondering what to say to that.

“I'm sure you'll meet someone.”

“Hm, hope so. I could with someone nice like Mark.”

“But not gay.”

“That would be a complication I grant you,” smiled Mel.

“For you yes.”

“I'm not saying I couldn't work around it. Mum keeps telling me not to be so picky.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Be picky. You shouldn't put up with less than what you deserve.”

Mel smiled and pushed her shoulder into Seb's.

“You are sweet, bless you.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Ah well. Keep your eyes open for another good one for me won't you?” asked Mel.

“I will. I'll send them right over.”

“Good, thanks. Well, so what are we going to do today then if we're rained off?”

Sebastian looked over to Mark who was talking with Dean and his sister.

“Mark what do you reckon we should do today now?”

 

Mark puffed a breath. His brother-in-law had just been bemoaning the fact that he had been planning a rematch of the cricket for this afternoon.

“Rain stopped play,” noted Dean.

“Yeah. Well we're going swimming in a bit,” reminded Mark. “And then... well I dunno. I suppose we could go out somewhere but that's a bit of a faff with everyone.”

Sebastian nodded and looked around at their family.

“Um, well I suppose we could just have a film afternoon? How would that be? We've got loads of DVDs.”

He received an array of positives so Seb looked back to Mark.

“Sound alright?” he checked.

“Sounds good. There we go then.”

Sebastian pushed himself up from where he was sat on the floor.

“I'm just gonna go see if things need putting away in the kitchen.”

 

Mark followed him and they found their mothers piling things on the two tables which had been pushed together in the centre of the room. They thanked them for their help and insisted they would do the putting away, Heike and Diane agreeing on the basis that Mark and Seb did at least know where everything went.

“What are you going to do about dinner?” wondered Mark's mother.

Mark shrugged.

“We've only just eaten haven't we?”

“I know dear, but weren't we going to use the barbie again?”

“Mm.”

Mark looked to Seb who was assessing the tables fitted in the middle. There were some chairs tucked under already with the rest abandoned in the hallway.

“Do you think we can cram everyone in here?”

“Umm.”

Sebastian went out and started bringing the other chairs through fitting them in as best he could.

“I think just about,” he judged.

“We'll all just have to breathe in won't we?” offered his mother.

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah and the dogs'll have to watch they don't get trodden on, but yeah.”

Mark looked outside and saw that they had left out the crates Ryan and Fabian had been sitting on.

“We'll have to grab them later if it eases up.”

 

Sebastian went to look out of the window. The rain really was bouncing down and the grass looked soaked.

“Thank god this wasn't yesterday Liebling.”

Mark nodded and put an arm around him.

“Yeah, well it's not, so we're alright aren't we?”

“Yeah.”

“What about food. Shall we do it in the oven?” wondered Diane.

Mark turned to look at her.

“You know I think we've been eating a lot of the same stuff haven't we? Why don't we change it up and get some take-away?”

His mother widened her eyes.

“Take-away? I thought you boys never allowed yourselves that sort of thing?”

Mark smiled and shrugged a shoulder.

“Well we don't much, but there's a Thai place in the village that's quite nice. Not too unhealthy is it sweetheart?”

“No it's nice. Yeah we could do that,” agreed Seb. “Do you think they deliver?”

“Well we can ring and find out. I'm pretty sure I've got a menu hidden in a drawer someplace. Would you guys be okay with Thai?”

He looked at their mothers for an answer.

“Fine by me dear,” assured Diane.

Heike shrugged.

“I don't know that I've eaten Thai before but I'm sure it'll be fine.”

“I'll go ask around then,” decided Mark. “Back in a mo.”

 

Sebastian began tidying things back to where they belonged in various drawers and cupboards and a minute later Mark came back in.

“We're good.”

“Yeah?” checked Seb.

“Yep. No objections anyway. If they don't deliver we can always nip out can't we?”

Sebastian breathed out and Mark laughed.

“No one's fussed darling. We're all just rubbing along aren't we?”

Seb gave him a wry smile.

“Literally if we're all going to squeeze in here.”

“Yeah well needs must.”

“It'll be fun,” asserted Seb's mother trying to get in the spirit of things. “Thai food sounds adventurous.”

Mark smiled at the idea and as Heike and Diane let them finish tidying away he gave Seb a nod.

“We'll ask them for some of their plainest stuff as extras and we can just mix and match.”

“Saves on cooking I suppose.”

“So it does. Very lazy of us,” agreed Mark.

“Shall we go and see if people want to go in the pool now?” Seb suggested.

“Might as well. Good job we've got it isn't it?”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

  
  


  
  


Shortly after, the oldest generation sat drinking tea in the lounge whilst the rest went swimming again. Alan and Norbert were half watching the last day of Olympic coverage on television, joking good-naturedly about where their respective nations sat on the medals table and affecting an interest in random sports that they would never normally care about. Heike and Diane sat on the other side, comparing notes on grandchildren as well as children.

“It really would have been such a shame if we'd had this weather yesterday,” commented Diane as she glanced out of the window at the pouring rain.

“Mm, I think it meant a lot to them,” agreed Heike.

“I'm sure it did.”

“Seb does tend to worry about things,” Heike admitted.

Diane nodded.

“And Mark worries about Seb in turn,” she sighed, “ah dear, what can you do? Hopefully they'll have less of that in future,”

“Hmm, though you know we're coming up to the race at Monza soon.”

“Yes.”

Heike looked to be sure that the men were sufficiently distracted by the television not to be listening to their conversation.

“Has Mark spoken to you about it?” she enquired.

“Monza? You mean going back,” checked Diane.

“Mm. Seb hasn't at all.”

“No, he hasn't. To be honest I think they just want to avoid all serious topics this weekend.”

“I suppose.”

“They do deserve a break.”

“Yes, yes that's true,” conceded Heike. “I think they've got more relaxed as the weekend has gone by. I suppose now that they can count yesterday a success that has to help.”

“I'm sure,” Diane agreed.

Heike took a sip of her tea and sighed.

“At least Seb seems better. Did you speak to them before they went away?”

“Yes they called to explain what had happened.”

“Of course, yes.” Heike shook her head. “Seb sounded terrible on the phone. I really was quite worried about him.”

“I'm sure.”

“He gets himself in such states,” sighed Heike.

Diane looked at her.

“Well he's had a hard time, that coming on top of him being ill, where was it, Hungary?”

“Yes.”

“Ach, poor boy, Mark was very anxious about that.”

“I'm sure.”

“He felt just dreadful that he wasn't there with him.”

“Well I'm not so sure it would even have happened if Mark had been there you know,” asserted Heike. “Oh not that it was his fault, of course not, no. I meant that Mark would have seen he wasn't right and stepped in. Seb pushes himself too hard.”

“Ah well there you may be right. He does seem to work very hard.”

“Yes. He always has. It's good in a way of course, but Seb, well I do wonder if that isn't part of why things get on top of him. Mark is good for him. He just seems so much better with him around. I mean generally of course, but they really are inseparable aren't they?”

“They are,” smiled Diane. “I think it's nice. Mark's so happy, I mean difficulties aside, he's a whole new person now he has Seb.”

Heike smiled, pleased to hear her son so complimented.

“Well the same is true of Seb.”

“Yes well there we go, all to the good they got married then.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Heike.

She sipped her tea, wondering if Mark had told his mother how they had reacted when thy first came to tell them that bit of news. It didn't show them in a very good light. Heike felt rather ashamed of herself when she looked back and she knew somehow without being told that Mark's parents had been much more relaxed about the whole thing. They seemed to exude a much more relaxed attitude all round. Heike didn't think she was capable of having such a different outlook on life.

 

Leanne walked into the lounge with a drink.

“Whatcha watching Dad?” she enquired.

“Hmm? Oh the marathon.”

“Ah, very scenic,” smiled Leanne. “So much easier when all you have to do is drink tea and watch from the sofa.”

Her father raised his mug in acknowledgement and Leanne went to sit nearer to her mother.

“Are they getting out?” asked Diane.

“Oh no, I'd just had enough. Dean's organising them into some kind of water volley ball game and I thought I'd escape before I got roped in.”

“Very wise dear.”

Leanne laughed and nodded before taking a sip of her tea.

“Your children seem very well behaved,” offered Heike.

Leanne smiled at her.

“Seem is the word. They've been on best behaviour ever since they arrived.”

“Oh well. I think Fabian is the same.”

“Oh Fabian is a lovely boy,” asserted Diane. “Ryan is quite taken with him.”

Leanne laughed again.

“He's been following Fabian about like a puppy all week. I think he'll feel quite lost when we leave. Did you hear them asking if they were cousins now earlier?”

“No. Cousins?” frowned Heike.

“Oh bless them they were trying to work out how they were related and that was what they came up with, well 'cousins-in-law'.”

Diane shook her head and smiled.

“Well I'm sure they'll see each other in future. We're all family now aren't we?”

“Of course,” agreed Heike. “Yes it's funny how it all works out isn't it?”

“It is. Well all for the best I'm sure.”

Heike looked to Leanne.

“Was Stef still in the water with Sofie if they were playing their game?”

“Oh no she got out when I did. I think she took the baby for a feed.”

“Ah, well I think I'll go see how she's getting on. If you'll excuse me.”

 

Heike got up with a nod and the other two women were left sitting together.

“You're getting on alright then Mum?” checked Leanne.

“Oh yes fine.” Diane leaned in closer to her daughter. “Bless her, she tells me how Seb's a worrier and then spends the rest of the time telling me how she worries about him.”

“Mm well. Guess that's how it goes. Lord knows you spend enough time worrying about the pair of them,” pointed out Leanne.

“Ah there you have me,” smiled Diane. “Oh well, no need to worry while we're here.”

“I'll drink to that,” agreed Leanne.

The two of them took a drink of their tea and sat back, glad that for the time-being at least, all seemed well.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Some time later on Norbert came through into the kitchen from where the family was squashed into the lounge watching the second of the films they'd allowed the kids to choose. He wasn't particularly interested in the latest James Bond seeing as they all seemed the same to him, but Sebastian and Mark had gone off to make more drinks so Norbert had decided to follow.

“Do you need a hand?” offered his father.

“Oh um, I'm just gonna make up some trays.”

“I'll take one. Where's Mark?”

“Just popped to the loo.”

“Ah right.”

Norbert waited while Seb boiled the kettle and set about pouring hot water into both the teapot and a tall cafetiere. They had to wait a couple of minutes while they brewed and for a moment they stood in silence, then Norbert decided to speak.

“You know we were thinking, your mother and I, about Monza.”

Sebastian looked at his father, his face suddenly frozen and Norbert stepped in closer to him, feeling guilty.

“Sorry I shouldn't bring it up, but we were just thinking, while we were here, of asking whether you want us to come along?”

Seb nodded but his eyes were cast down and Norbert had to duck into his line of sight.

“Seb?”

“Yeah.”

“We want to do whatever we can to support you.”

“Yeah.”

“You know your mother worries.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and had to compose himself before speaking.

“I'm sorry.”

“You don't need to be sorry. Seb we know it's going to be hard for you. We want to help.”

“I'm sorry you have to go through all that.”

“Seb,” sighed his father. “That wasn't what I meant.”

“I know you worry. I know last year must have been awful for you.”

Norbert put his hand on his son's arm.

“I'm not talking about us now. I'm talking about you. Do you want us to come along so we can be there for you?”

 

Sebastian let out a heavy sigh and stared at the tiled floor for another moment before plucking up the courage to say what he had to.

“Dad if I say something can you promise not to take it the wrong way?”

Norbert frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“It's going to sound horribly ungrateful.”

Norbert paused and then nodded as he guessed what his son was about to say.

“You don't want us to come.”

Seb shook his head anxiously.

“No Dad it's not like that. It's not that I don't want you there.”

“What then?”

Seb took in a calming breath then bit his lip, struggling to find a way to express himself.

“Do you want us to come?” asked Norbert.

 

Inside his socks Sebastian was curling his toes as the only non-visible way he could tighten something to steady himself.

“Seb?” pressed Norbert.

Sebastian sighed again.

“I don't know how to say it without it sounding awful,” he admitted.

Norbert shook his head.

“Seb calm down. It's fine. I was just offering. We just thought it might help.”

“I am ungrateful.”

“No you're not. Don't worry about it.”

“I _do_ worry about it.”

 

Father and son looked at one another, both realising that was one of the very rare times Seb admitted anything like that. Norbert shook his head. No wonder their son found it so difficult to talk to them.

“Seb it's fine. It was just an idea. Don't fret. If it's better we're not there then that's how it is. It's short notice anyway.”

Seb looked at him.

“It's not... I just... Dad I'm sorry. It's not that I don't want you there. I really appreciate all your support and it's nice when we have family at races. It really is. You guys were such a help at Hockenheim.”

“Then?”

Sebastian sighed.

“Monza is going to be hard. Really hard. And I know it sounds horribly ungrateful, but when you guys, any of you, any of our family, come to races we have to look after you a bit.”

“We can look after ourselves.”

“Dad I'm sorry, but that just isn't how it works out. I have to find the time to be with you and most of the time that's great, it gives me a break from all the stress of racing and the paddock and all that, but...”

“In Monza you don't need that.”

“It's not that I don't need it. It's... I just don't think I'll have any spare energy for doing anything other than getting through it.”

“Oh Seb,” sighed Norbert.

“I know that sounds awful.”

“Only for you. Don't worry about anything else. If you need to concentrate on getting through the weekend than that's what you need to do,” offered his father in as soft a voice as possible.

“The media too Dad. I know they're going to be all over me and if you came they'd be all over you as well and then I'd end up stressing about that too.”

Norbert sighed heavily and nodded.

“Okay.”

“I know you mean well Dad.”

“That's alright.”

“It's just I know it's going to be tough.”

“Yes. I wish it wasn't. All I was trying to do was offer to help.”

 

Sebastian looked at his father appealingly.

“I know Dad and I am grateful, please don't think I'm not.”

“I don't. Calm down son alright? It was just an idea. I don't think you're ungrateful. Nothing of the kind. I know it will be very stressful for you. The last thing we want to do is to add to that.”

“I'm sorry if that makes it sound like you make me more stressed.”

Norbert shook his head, though he suspected that sometimes was true.

“We only want to do what helps,” he assured. “If just giving you space and letting you get on with things is what's best, then that's what we'll do.”

Seb nodded.

“You do understand Dad don't you?”

“Of course. It's fine.”

“The thing is Mark would have to be looking after you too and normally that's fine. He's happy to do it, he likes the company.”

Norbert nodded.

“But this time he'll need to concentrate on looking after you,” he suggested.

Sebastian looked at him.

“And him. Dad it's going to be really tough for Mark to go back there. What he went through...” Seb shook his head. “I know he's going to struggle.”

Norbert nodded.

“Okay, so you concentrate on looking after each other.”

“Yeah, that's what I mean. I think that's the only way we're going to be able to get through it, if we just do that, just the two of us.”

“Sure.”

 

Seb let out a sigh that he couldn't hide was one of relief.

“I am sorry Dad.”

“Nonsense. You've nothing to be sorry for. It was just an idea, but now I understand how things are.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course. Seb you only have to explain so we understand. Stop bottling things up so much and worrying about us. We want to help you.”

“I don't want to hurt your feelings.”

“You haven't.”

“Really?”

“Really. Come here.”

 

Sebastian was surprised by the enveloping hug his father gave him. As he was released he looked at him.

“I do appreciate your support,” Seb repeated.

“I know you do. Stop feeling guilty. I shouldn't have brought it up.”

“No it was nice of you, just...”

Norbert nodded and put a hand on his son's arm.

“You don't need to justify any more. It's fine. We'll support you from home.”

“I know it'll be tough for you guys too.”

“Well...” Norbert shrugged. “That's just the way it is isn't it?”

“I'm not making it harder by saying you shouldn't come?”

“No it's fine.”

“You'll explain to Mum? I don't want to upset her.”

Norbert sighed and shook his head again.

“Seb stop worrying. My god, no wonder you get so stressed. Calm down. It's fine. I will talk with your mother.”

“And Fabe? I guess I should talk to him.”

“I've not even mentioned it to your brother.”

“Oh, okay.”

“It's fine Seb. We'll just have a gathering at home and your sisters can come over. You can get on with what you need to and we'll all be the better for knowing you are doing what you need to do, okay?”

“Okay. I am sorry.”

Norbert huffed.

“Seb you have to stop doing that. The world is not on your shoulders. This is not something to add to your list of worries.”

 

Sebastian bit his lip and nodded, still looking worried despite his father's assurances, so Norbert looked at him firmly.

“You do not need to be sorry. Shall I write it down?”

Seb managed a half smile and suddenly felt like crying.

“I am grateful.”

“I know you are. It's alright. I'll handle your mother.”

Sebastian huffed a dry little laugh.

“Okay.”

His father gave him another hug and as he hung onto him Seb hid wiping away a tear. Norbert released him and looked at him to see if he was okay.

“Alright?” he checked.

“Yeah I'm fine.”

“Good. It's a matter sorted, so let there be no more worries on the subject. Yes?”

“Yes okay.”

“Alright, good boy. Now then, coffees. Shall I take this tray?”

Seb put the cafetiere on with the mugs and quickly filled a jug with milk to add on.

“I'll um, just wait for the tea to brew.”

“Sure,” allowed his father.

  
  


Norbert walked out into the hall and almost bumped into Mark just coming down the stairs.

“Ah Mark. Seb's in the kitchen.”

“Yeah I just grabbed a hoody.”

“Sure, sure...”

Mark frowned.

“Everything alright?”

Norbert puffed a breath and spoke quietly.

“I rather put my foot in it.”

“What do you mean?”

Norbert sighed.

“I offered, well, I suggested that perhaps we might come along to Monza to support him, but I didn't realise how that would make things more complicated.”

“Oh.”

Norbert saw the look on Mark's face.

“I'm sorry, it was well intended.”

Mark nodded.

“Yes of course.”

“I didn't mean to upset him.”

Norbert couldn't miss the look on Mark's face and almost expected him to rush past into the kitchen.

“I only meant as a support to him.”

“Yeah,” allowed Mark distractedly, torn between being polite to his father-in-law and needing to check on Seb.

Norbert shifted the tray that felt heavier the longer he held it.

“You know we don't intentionally give him more things to worry about.”

Mark heard the resigned way Norbert said that and nodded.

“I know.”

“I told him not to worry about it.”

“Yeah. I should...”

Norbert nodded and moved out of the way, letting Mark go on into the kitchen while he sighed before setting his shoulders back to take the large tray to the waiting family in the lounge.

 

Mark walked into the kitchen to find Sebastian staring out of the kitchen window, apparently watching the falling rain. He didn't seem to notice Mark come in until he felt Mark's arm go around him as he appeared by his side.

“Hey,” greeted Mark softly.

“Oh hey, I um...”

“I just bumped into your dad.”

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?”

Sebastian sighed and turned more into him, putting his arms around Mark's neck to get a hug.

“I'm sure he meant well,” assured Mark.

Sebastian lifted away and nodded.

“I know he did.”

“Yeah?”

“I just feel guilty for rejecting them.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“ _Seb_.”

“I know.”

“Sweetheart what did he say?”

“He just offered to come to Monza and it's nice of them. They want to help, but...”

“But?”

“I had to tell him I need it to be just us.”

“He said it's fine.”

“I know, he said the same to me.”

“Right, but now you're fretting.”

“I just feel ungrateful.”

“Darling your family want to support you.”

“That's what I mean. They're trying to help and I feel awful cos I just threw it back in his face.”

“You're not.”

“I am.”

“No. Seb did you turn around and just say 'no ta, I'm not fussed mate'?”

Sebastian looked at him and pouted.

“No.”

“No of course not. Your dad was out there worrying about upsetting you. Bloody hell. No wonder you all tie yourselves in knots.”

Sebastian sighed, still looking troubled.

“It's just I had to tell him I didn't think we could do more than get through it on our own.”

“Yeah, cos it's gonna be tough darling. We know that. Your dad knows that too.”

 

Seb nodded and Mark looked to see if his words were sinking in.

“Come on darling don't take things so much to heart. Your dad wanted to help and that's a nice thing.”

“Yeah but...”

“No let me finish. Your dad wants to help, but now you have explained that the best way they can help is by letting you get on with it, yes?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“And what did he say when you explained this?”

“He said it was fine.”

“Okay and you assume he is lying?”

He looked at Seb pointedly and Sebastian sagged.

“No.”

“Right, so the matter is cleared up and dealt with. Your dad understands and you've told him how you really feel.”

“You don't think I hurt his feelings?”

“Sweetheart your dad was only worrying about you out there. He's your dad. He wants what's best for you and if that's giving you space to get on with things, then that's what he'll do.”

“I just know how hard it will be for them.”

Mark shrugged.

“It's going to be hard for all of us. I don't think it would be any easier for them to be at the track. To be honest it's gonna be tough enough for me. Your mother struggles with being in the garage at the best of times doesn't she?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“So I'm not sure Monza would be good for her.”

“No.”

Mark looked at him again and Seb sighed before nodding.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I know it'll be really hard for you too.”

“Well that's just unavoidable darling.”

“I do need you there,” admitted Seb.

“Well thank god, cos I'm bloody well going to be there.”

 

An almost smile fought its way onto Seb's lips.

“Yeah okay. Thank you.”

“It'll be tough, but we'll get through it.”

“Yeah. That's what I said to Dad, that we had to just get through it together and that's what I need, what we both need.”

“There we go then, so you said what needed saying and you're both fine with each other.”

Sebastian gave a small nod.

“Yeah.” He puffed a breath. “God, you know the stupidest thing is I think this is actually me getting better at talking to my parents.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“So it's good.”

“I guess.”

Mark gave him a kiss.

“Come on, cheer up. Things are fine. Let's make the most of our last full day with them, yeah?

Seb nodded and let out a long breath.

“Yeah okay, sorry.”

“No more sorrying,” stopped Mark. “Now then, is that tea to take through?”

“Oh, oh yeah it might be a bit over-brewed.”

“Stick some more hot-water in it.”

Sebastian quickly reboiled some water and diluted the tea a little before taking the tray through to go back into the lounge, Mark taking the box of cookies Pauline had made to go with them. Seb set the tray down on the coffee table and instructed people to help themselves. Nobody made any comment about how long it had taken him and Seb wondered if his father had said something, but he decided to ignore that. Mark was right, it was their last full day together with their families and he didn't want to spoil it.

  
  


Although Sebastian was sure his father had spoken to his mother about the conversation they'd had, she didn't say anything about it and he was grateful for that. He knew even if she had made a passing comment it would have descended into the same exchange once again and he would only feel more guilty for rejecting them. Seb saw the occasional looks he got from her and suspected his mother was considering saying something but she didn't and as the afternoon passed he felt more and more glad that he had told his father the truth. If he had agreed to them coming out of a sense of obligation then Seb knew he would spend the next two weeks wondering how he could either find a way to get them to change their plans or worrying about how he and Mark were going to cope with it all. This was better. Tough still, but better to have been honest.

As he leaned into Mark side Seb rested his head down on Mark's shoulder and relaxed watching the film. Mark gave him a little smile and whispered to check he was okay. Seb nodded and it felt genuine. Mark merely nodded back and stole a little kiss on the cheek. They were sat on the floor with the other 'kids' in the family seeing as they had run out of sofa space, but that didn't matter so much.

The dogs were curled up in front of them and though Mark was fairly sure that there were so many people crammed into their lounge that the windows must be steaming up, it didn't matter. They'd waited and waited on the rain passing, but it seemed to have set in for the duration so he and Seb had gone with the four tent-dwellers to rescue their things to bring them in for the night. Thankfully everything had been protected and was dry where it had been stored in the tents and Mark joked that everything actually got wetter rushing back and forth across the lawn in the teeming rain, but they'd put everything in the dining room to dry, changed their hoodies for new ones and used the blow-up beds as cushions for them to sit on, so all was well.

  
  


 

In the evening they rang through a large order to the Thai take-away a few miles away and Mark found that for a small fee they were willing to deliver, saving them the task of collecting it. Setting up the meal was fairly straight-forward once Mark and Sebastian had persuaded the rest that it was actually easier to do so without help. All they needed to do was use the last of the disposable plates and cups with drinks in the centre and once the delivery car arrived to hand over two large boxes of food, the family could just squash in around the table and start helping themselves.

Half the time they were passing around foil containers not knowing exactly what dish was what, but it hardly mattered when most people were simply having a little bit of everything. Being inside did mean that there wasn't a lot of elbow room, but conversation flowed fairly easily, mostly in English as it had been all weekend seeing as only Jemma and Abbey apart from Mark spoke the tiniest bit of German having studied a bit in school, but Sebastian's family promised that they didn't mind.

Things were going along so well that it took Mark a good half hour before it occurred to him to wonder where the dogs were seeing as he couldn't see them in their baskets over in the corner. He leaned into Seb.

“Where are the boys?”

Sebastian frowned, looking over at Ryan and Fabian perched on their crates on the other side and Mark coughed a laugh.

“Ah. No, _our_ boys.”

“Oh.”

Seb laughed and shook his head, then indicated down. Mark looked to the tiled kitchen floor to see no lurking dogs, then realised what Seb meant. He looked even further under the table and smiled to see Shadow and Simba happily ensconced right in the middle where the two tables met, perfectly placed to scarf up any dropped food and move to wherever they were likely to get a stroke and little affection.

  
  


When they finished there was relatively little to sort out which made life a lot easier seeing as most of it went into a bin-bag. They did feel slightly guilty about throwing away so much, but the weekend had involved quite enough work, so it was nice just to be able to do a quick sort out before reconvening in the lounge. Jan had put Sofie down for a nap while they got dinner but as they cleared away the baby monitor burst into life with the sound of her bawling and Stefanie decided this was a good time to instruct Seb and Mark in the joys of nappy changing. She stood in the bedroom, biting her lip to stop herself laughing as the pair jointly tried to wrangle a wriggling baby into a nappy and get it fixed on. As they finished she merely smiled and subtly re-did one of the sticky tabs to adjust the nappy to make it a little tighter so it didn't fall off, then smiled down at her daughter as she re-did her babygro again and picked her up.

“There we go, all done. Happy now?”

Sofie of course gave no answer so Stefanie looked to the other two.

“Not so terrible was it?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think a number one is the easy version.”

“True,” agreed Stefanie, “anyway it's good practise. I think I'll sort out her bottle now seeing as she's up. Want to help with that too?”

“Sure,” agreed Seb.

  
  


 

A little while later they sat at the kitchen table, the chairs turned around to give them space to sit and Stefanie watched on as her brother fed the baby to be sure they were okay, then left them to it. She went back into the lounge and fitted back onto the sofa between Jan and Mel.

“She gone back to sleep?” asked Jan.

Stef shook her head.

“No Seb and Mark are feeding her in the kitchen.”

“Ah. Good stuff.”

“Yeah.”

Stefanie let out a long sigh and leaned into her partner.

“This is so nice.”

Jan huffed a laugh.

“Free au pairs? Yeah it's not a bad deal is it?”

“It's just nice to get a break,” admitted Stef.

“Well I think they're just as happy aren't they? Get some flight hours in.”

Stef nodded then sighed again.

“They're so good with her. It's a shame.”

“That they don't live closer?”

“Yeah but also, you know.”

“Yeah,” nodded Jan. “Well let's just hope things work out for them.”

Mel looked over at them and spoke quietly so their mother sat across on the other sofa didn't hear.

“Are you talking about Seb and Mark?”

“Mm,” agreed her sister.

“You'd think the adoption people would bite their hand off. I mean look at this place.”

“Yeah but it's not about that is it?”

“No, I don't mean just they have a big house, but there's so much space. Can't you just imagine some kid running around that garden with the dogs having a rare old time?”

Stef looked at her.

“I think Seb and Mark think of little else.”

“Yeah.”

Mel nodded slowly, thinking how her brother's life wasn't perhaps as perfect as it might look from the outside.

“They'll come round though won't they? The adoption agency I mean.”

“Fools otherwise,” offered Jan.

“Yeah,” nodded Stef.

“How did they get on with nappy duty?”

“Not bad. A few rookie errors, but they did it, so you've got to give them points for effort.”

Jan smiled.

“Well they're welcome to come stay with us any time they like.”

“Please come and visit so you can change nappies?” suggested Stef. “Yeah not the most enticing offer, but hopefully they will come over at some point.”

“Have they said when?”

Stef shook her head.

“No promises. You know how it gets.”

“Mm, oh well.”

Stefanie looked over to the door.

“Do you think I should go check on them?”

“Nope, I think you should enjoy time off and watch the film,” advised her partner.

Stef nodded and relaxed into him. Their daughter was fine with her uncles, they'd take care of her.

 

  
  


 

When Seb and Mark did eventually come though to the lounge Stef spotted that her brother was wearing a different hoody to earlier as Seb handed Sofie over to her.

“She kindof gakked up a bit of the milk when I was winding her,” explained Seb.

“Ah, sorry I should have reminded you about sticking something over your shoulder,” Stef apologised. “Just a cloth or something.”

“That's alright. She does pretty much seem okay.”

Stef looked down at her daughter who was already looking more passive for having a nice belly full of warm milk.

“Oh don't worry, it happens. As long as it's just a bit of milk coming back up?”

“Yeah just milk, only smellier.”

Jan laughed and nodded.

“Rookie error my friends. You'll learn.”

“Mm, okay well we tidied her up. Mostly went on me anyway.”

“She's fine,” assured his sister. “Sorry. Thank you for doing that.”

“Oh no problem. Mark did it too.”

“Yeah,” added Mark. “She only chose to throw up on Seb though.”

“I wouldn't worry Seb, it's practically a baby sign of appreciation,” asserted Jan.

 

Sebastian nodded and they went to resume their make-do seat on the floor.

“You were ages so we put 'The Incredibles' on,” explained Fabian from where he sat on another blow-up bed set on the carpet to the side.

“Oh right, sure.”

“That's okay isn't it?”

“Course,” assured Sebastian.

He settled back into Mark's side, making the best of their position. It wasn't the most comfortable spot and secretly both Seb and Mark were quite looking forward to when they could get back to normal and snuggle up together alone on sofa as they normally did, but they weren't about to complain when their families seemed to be getting along so well together. They only had one more night of it anyway.

  
  


When this film finished too they finally called it a night, using the excuse that the boys needed to make this their temporary bedroom for the night. Seb and Mark weren't unhappy to go to bed early anyway. As they settled into bed together, Mark turned to Sebastian.

“Tired?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I really am Liebling. I know it sounds silly when we've hardly done anything today.”

“Nah, busy looking after everybody.”

“Mm.”

“You're not still worrying about what your dad said are you?” checked Mark.

Sebastian puffed a little breath.

“No I guess not. I thought Mum might say something but she didn't.”

“I'm sure your dad had a word. It's fine sweetheart. Much better to be honest.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“You don't need to be worrying about any of that yet anyway.”

“Still on the break?”

“Yeah, still on the break darling.”

Sebastian gave him a little smile and flicked off the light before shuffling up closer.

“I'm really tired,” he yawned.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I can tell.”

Seb sighed and Mark reached to stroke his cheek.

“We'll sleep well tonight, no need to rush in the morning and then just sorting out.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb, knowing their families weren't planning to go until the afternoon. “Last day.”

“Last day,” echoed Mark softly.

He felt Sebastian's body relax against him and knew that he had dropped off. One last day of family then a couple on their own to recover, then their break would be over. In the circumstances Mark thought it had really gone a whole lot better than it might.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning the rain had stopped, but it was still overcast, so they kept the extra table in the kitchen while people had breakfast then sent off the youngsters to take the dogs for a walk while they tidied up and their adult guests took some time to sort out their packing. Seb and Mark took Sofie so her parents could do what they needed to and they sat in the lounge making the most of the spell of peace and the chance to actually get a seat on the sofa. She fussed a little bit at first until she seemed to forget that her parents had apparently abandoned her, then as Mark reached to dab her eyes dry Sofie merely pouted before resting her head into Sebastian's shoulder and settling in. Mark huffed a little laugh.

“At least she didn't throw up on you this time.”

Seb angled his head to look at his niece to be sure she was okay then nodded.

“I think she's alright now.”

“She's fine sweetheart,” assured Mark.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian puffed a breath and leaned a little into Mark as he fitted an arm around him.

“Gonna miss her?” Mark enquired.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah me too. Ah well. We'll just have to go over.”

Seb nodded and Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek. Sofie snuffled into Seb and he thought how nice this feeling was, trying to shut out the accompanying thoughts about how much they wanted this for themselves.

  
  


  
  


Later in the morning Mark and Sebastian got out of the pool a little ahead of the others to dress and go see if the weather had cheered up sufficiently to allow them having lunch outside. It hadn't started raining again, but the sky was still grey and the weather cool. As they stood outside Mark put an arm around Seb.

“Think that might have been summer for us.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Saturday was what really mattered.

“Yeah course it was. It might cheer up yet.”

“Mm. Shall we go see what food we've got left?”

“Sure. We can either lob it on the barbecue or stick it in the oven, either way.”

“Yeah.”

 

They went in to rifle through the fridge, judging there was sufficient food to cover lunch with the family.

“It'll seem weird at dinner to be just us later,” noted Seb.

“Yeah I guess.” Mark gave him a little smile. “Perhaps not entirely a bad thing?”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Not entirely,” he concurred.

He stretched up to give Mark a kiss on the cheek and Mark was about to make a comment about how nice it would be to have a couple of days to themselves before they had to go off to Spa when his phone started ringing over on the side. Mark picked it up and stared at the screen for a second before turning to Seb.

“Shit, it's the adoption agency.”

Sebastian's expression changed in an instant. They could hear noises of their family around the house so as Seb stepped in closer Mark grabbed his hand and pulled him with him to dash into his office, shutting the door behind them before he answered, rapidly hitting 'speaker' before setting the phone down on his desk in front of them.

“Hi Rachel?”

“Hi is that Mark?”

“Yeah, and Seb's here too.”

“Oh right, good. Sorry to ring you.”

“No that's okay. What is it?”

“Um, well I've been informed that the board are sitting this morning,” replied Rachel.

Mark and Sebastian looked at one another and Seb took Mark's hand again.

“On our case?” checked Seb.

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Seb let out carefully.

“So they're just sitting, we don't have an answer yet?” asked Mark.

“No, although I would expect a response fairly soon,” replied Rachel.

“What does that mean?”

“Well, in all honesty they're coming up to lunch so I should think they'll want to get things rounded up. Either they'll have a clear-cut decision or they will get back to me and tell me what the issues are.”

“Issues being reasons not to say yes?”

“Um, well essentially, yes. I was calling because I thought it might be best if you could come in this afternoon to discuss it, either way.”

 

Mark sighed and looked to Seb to see how nervous he appeared. He squeezed his hand.

“So we should have an answer then?”

“Well I don't know exactly how long they will take, but I should think so. It could be any minute or it could be an hour. I don't know.”

Sebastian closed his eyes, his stomach turning over.

“I'm not sure if they're looking at more than one case today,” added Rachel.

Mark shook his head, not caring frankly about anyone else's case.

“But they are going to make a decision on our case?” he double-checked.

“Yes. If they can't make a clear-cut affirmative then it still comes back to me and we can see what we do from here. So do you want to come in? I know it's short notice.”

Seb sighed.

“We've still got our families here.”

“Oh. Oh sorry,” apologised Rachel. “I thought they were only visiting for the weekend.”

“No they're here until later today.”

“Right, I see. Tomorrow then?”

Sebastian let out the driest of laughs.

“Oh god Rachel we can't wait that long. If you know, I mean if you had an answer, couldn't you just tell us?”

“Over the phone you mean?” asked Rachel.

“Yeah.”

Rachel paused.

“It's not really how we're meant to do it.”

Mark shook his head. If that was the case he didn't think she should have told them this much.

“Rachel Seb's right, we can't sit with this hanging over us. We need to know, good or bad,” Mark insisted. “Are you not allowed to tell us over the phone?”

“Well, I mean it's more a matter of procedure.”

“So you can then.”

Rachel hesitated and Seb spoke up.

“Please Rachel. We have to know. You could call us back and then we'd come in tomorrow morning or whenever you can fit us in.”

He looked to Mark.

“Maybe we could go in this afternoon? If we just told them it was important. They'd understand wouldn't they?”

Mark was about to answer when Rachel spoke.

“Oh no don't disrupt your plans. I know having your family over is important. Look, okay, that sounds fair enough. I'll call you as soon as I get an answer and we can arrange coming in for a proper talk. Yes?”

Sebastian sighed with relief.

“Yes. Thank you.”

“Yeah that sounds better Rachel,” added Mark. “I'm sorry if it's not what you're meant to do, but we really can't spend another twenty-four hours worrying.”

“No of course not. Right, yes, sorry it's my fault for calling. It's just I thought you'd want to know.”

“Yes well that's rather the point,” noted Mark.

“Yes of course, alright well I should be sent an email. If it's a clear-cut yes then it's pretty straight-forward, if it's more complex then there will be a longer report to follow.”

“Right, so you'll call us?”

“As soon as I know their answer. I promise. You won't be busy with your visitors?”

Mark let out a dry laugh.

“Rachel I think we're going to be staring at the phone until you ring.”

“Do you think it will be soon?” asked Sebastian.

Rachel could hear how anxious he sounded and was already regretting calling them without an answer to give them yet.

“I can't promise. It's nearly midday though, so it's possible I will get a reply before lunch.”

“When is lunch?”

Rachel sighed.

“When they decide to take it. I'm sorry Seb, it probably depends if it's a unanimous decision.”

 

Seb bit his lip and nodded. If they all agreed then there would be less to discuss and if it was a yes, then surely it would be quicker still. Or a flat no. That would probably be pretty quick too. He pushed out a calming breath and Mark squeezed his hand again.

“Okay thanks then, so you'll call us back?” Mark checked.

“Yes of course, as soon as I can,” Rachel promised.

“Okay.”

“Thank you Rachel,” added Seb.

“That's okay. I just thought I ought to tell you.”

“Yes of course. Alright, well... later then.”

“Yes. I hope you've been having a nice time with your family?”

Seb closed his eyes unable to do small talk right now.

“Yeah we have. Thanks,” replied Mark for them.

“Okay, well hopefully I'll speak to you soon.”

“Yep, thanks, bye then.

“Bye.”

 

Mark hung up and looked to Seb as he took in a shaky breath.

“Oh god Liebling.”

“I know.”

Mark sighed and pulled Sebastian into a hug.

“We just have to wait.”

Seb nodded.

“Do you think we should have just said we'll go in?”

Mark shook his head.

“She's going to ring us. We'll find out just as fast, maybe faster. We couldn't really just walk out on all our folks could we?”

“I suppose. No, not really.”

Mark let Seb go only to re-take both his hands.

“We just have to hope for the best sweetheart.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark gave him a half smile.

“I suppose it's pretty stupid to suggest you should just try to put it out of your mind until she calls?”

Seb coughed a tortured laugh and Mark nodded.

“Yeah me too. Alright well...” Mark let go of Seb's hands and rubbed over his jaw. “I guess we should just go sort out what we're doing for lunch, try to distract ourselves.

Sebastian nodded.

“You'll keep your phone in your pocket?”

“Of course I will.”

“Yeah, yeah sorry.”

“It's fine, okay? Ears open.”

 

Sebastian nodded again. In truth all he really wanted to do was sit here in Mark's study, staring at the phone until it rang again, but they had no idea how long they would be waiting and their family would surely wonder what on earth was going on.

“We're not going to tell them are we?” checked Seb.

“Our family?”

“Yeah. I just don't think I can take them going over it all while we're waiting.”

“No, no I suppose not. Yeah, best leave it,” agreed Mark.

 

Sebastian took another settling breath and then nodded before they went back out. They went back into the kitchen to find both their mothers had taken it apon themselves to make a round of tea and coffee.

“They're just getting out of the pool,” explained Diane.

“And we were wondering what you want to do for lunch?” added Heike.

“Um, well there's all that chicken and a few burgers and sausages.” Mark glanced outside to see it still looked dull. “I thought we could just stick a few trays in the oven. There's still some rolls and salady stuff left. Do you think that'll do people?”

“More than plenty,” assured his mother. “Why don't you go see if people are hungry?”

“Um, yeah alright.”

 

They went through into the lounge finding both their fathers in the lounge, then Mark's sister came in.

“I've just sent them to make sure all their stuff is packed away,” she related.

“Oh right. Okay. Do you think they're hungry?” asked Mark.

Leanne laughed.

“They're kids, they're always hungry. Are we having an early lunch then?”

“If that's alright? We're just gonna finish up all the leftovers.

“Righto, I'll tell them to hurry up. We can sort the tents out later.”

“Sure.”

“Have they dried out?” enquired Seb.

“If we give them another hour or so I think so.”

“Assuming it doesn't rain again,” added in Alan from where he sat.

Mark gave a little shake of his head at his father's faith in the British weather, then they went back to help in the kitchen doing their best to stay busy and not check Mark's phone every couple of minutes.

  
  


 

 

Time passed and an hour later they were clearing away yet another meal. Heike looked over as Sebastian piled up plates for washing, worrying at the fact her son seemed to have eaten hardly anything.

“Were you not hungry?” she asked as she filed the washing up bowl.

“Hm? Oh, um no, big breakfast,” dismissed Seb.

Heike frowned, trying to remember what he had eaten then, she didn't recall a particularly full plate for him. She was about to say something as a follow up when the sound of a ringing phone interrupted her and Mark and Sebastian practically dove out of the room.

“What was that about?” asked her second son.

Heike shrugged.

“No idea. About next weekend maybe?”

“Do you think I could ask to stick around and go with them?” wondered Fabian.

“No Fabian they've quite enough on their plate. Why don't you go check your packing?”

“I've done my packing,” retorted Fabian.

“Well, go make sure.”

Her youngest son huffed and walked out. Heike turned to Diane.

“Honestly.”

Diane merely picked up a tea-towel and diplomatically said nothing.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian had a tight grip of Mark's hand as they answered the phone once they were safely shut in the study once more. While Seb took a steadying breath Mark spoke for the two of them.

“Hello?”

“Hi it's Rachel, are you both there?”

“Yeah we're both on,” replied Mark.

“Okay good, right so I've just received an email on behalf of the board. There'll be paperwork to follow.”

“Do you have an answer?” interrupted Seb anxiously.

“Yes I do. Are you sitting down?”

“Oh my god,” whispered Sebastian under his breath. He felt his whole body vibrate with anticipation. Whether with fear or hope he didn't know.

“Rachel,” pressed Mark, feeling no more capable of hanging on waiting than Seb.

“Okay, so they have made a judgement and as I say, though there is paperwork due to confirm it, I can tell you they have decided you should be approved.”

Sebastian gasped in shock and Mark realised that Rachel had been right to actually suggest they be sitting down. He held on even more tightly to Seb's hand and they looked at one another still trying to take that in.

“We've been passed?” checked Mark.

“Yes. The agreement was unanimous. I think really once the impediment as it were regarding the trouble you'd had with, well, the stalking, had been removed I don't think there was anything that could be objected to. I didn't want to say that beforehand obviously.”

Seb squeezed his eyes tight shut.

“Oh my god,” he repeated, a fraction louder now. “We've been approved to adopt?”

“Yes. It's great news. I'm so pleased for you.”

 

Seb was sure that any moment he was about to start shaking. He looked to Mark and put his spare hand to his mouth. Mark in turn puffed a breath, trying to not feel overwhelmed himself.

“We've really passed?” he checked. “Just a straight pass, nothing more to sort out?”

“Well there's a lot to sort out, but in terms of being officially approved, no, it's a straight-forward yes.”

“Oh Christ.”

“It's good news,” emphasised Rachel.

“Yeah, bloody hell, it's amazing news,” Mark replied almost laughing with shock.

“It is. It's great. Though obviously this is still just the first step. There's a long way to go yet and a lot yet to sort out. It would be better to discuss this in person. Can you still come in to see me tomorrow?”

“Um, yeah.”

Mark looked to Seb who nodded urgently.

“Yes that's fine. Our family will have gone by then and we're not off to Spa until Thursday morning, so yeah, when are you free?” asked Mark.

“Well, um I'm out first thing, but I should be back for eleven. Could you do then?”

“Yeah we can do eleven can't we sweetheart?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay so I'll see you at eleven and we can get into the detail of things about how we go on from here.”

“Sure, okay yeah we can do that,” assured Mark.

“Good, well I suppose I should let you go. Congratulations by the way, I don't think I said that.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, thank you Rachel, for all your help,” Sebastian added.

“Well it's not the end of the process, it is to steal a phrase, perhaps best seen as the end of the beginning of the process, but of course it is very important and I'm very pleased for you. You deserve this.”

“Thank you.”

Seb took in a shaky breath.

“Yeah thanks Rachel, we can talk about all that tomorrow can't we?” responded Mark.

“Of course. Well until tomorrow then.”

“Yeah, thanks again.”

 

Mark hung up and stared at the phone for another moment, still trying to take it in before he heard Seb take in another wobbly breath and he looked at him.

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah,” swallowed Sebastian.

They stared at one another, then Sebastian burst into tears. Mark pulled him into his arms and held him tight as Seb buried his face into Mark's shoulder. Mark pressed his cheek into Seb's temple and felt his body shake with a combination of crying and shock.

“It's good news darling,” whispered Mark.

“Yeah,” shuddered Sebastian still pressing into him, though he turned his head to rest his cheek into Mark's shoulder so he could face into him.

Mark moved his head to look down at him and gave Seb a little smile.

“It's, it's the best, the best news,” Sebastian stammered, his whole chest moving with it.

 

Mark nodded and rubbed over his back. Seb continued to let out shuddery breaths as he cried and Mark didn't try to stop him, he just allowed him to slow in his own time. Eventually Seb subsided and pushed out a slow breath before looking at Mark.

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling it's fine. It's a big deal.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian took in another breath. “Oh god Liebling I've been trying so hard not to hope.”

“Ah sweetheart.”

“It's just, you know what I mean.”

“I do, of course I do. I've been trying not to think about it either but really, what reason was there for them to say no now?”

“I don't know I just...” Sebastian shrugged. “I just worried.”

“Yeah.”

 

There was a sudden knock on the door and they both jumped, Seb more than Mark.

“It's me.”

Sebastian frantically wiped at his eyes at hearing his little brother's voice.

“Just give us a minute Fabe,” answered Mark.

He looked back to Seb, but the door opened and Fabian appeared stood there. Sebastian rapidly turned his head away, not wanting his brother to see the state he was in and Mark sighed.

“Fabe I said just give us a minute.”

“Sorry I thought you said come in a minute. Sorry I...”

Fabian felt frozen in the doorway. He wanted to ask what was going on. He frowned and peered over to his brother, but Mark gave him a firm look and Fabian backed out.

“Right, sorry.”

 

The door shut and Sebastian buried his face in Mark's chest.

“Oh god.”

“It's alright, it's only Fabe.”

Sebastian sighed into him and Mark gave him a hug before rubbing his arm.

“Come on it's alright.”

Seb lifted his head and Mark gave him a half smile.

“Don't worry about your brother sweetheart.”

Sebastian wiped away at his eyes again and then rubbed over his face.

“I should explain.”

“Yeah in a minute.”

 

Mark puffed a breath.

“You're right though, we should explain what's going on, don't you think? While our family is all still here.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I think I just need to sort myself out. I don't want them to think... I don't know.”

“It's fine. I think we both need a minute. It's a lot to take in.”

“Yeah,” replied Seb more calmly. “God it's amazing though isn't it?

“It is. It's wonderful.”

A smile took over Sebastian's face.

“Wow. We're approved. We're really approved to adopt. We can have a family.”

“Yeah. Still a way to go darling.”

“I know. We have to be matched don't we?”

“Sweetheart I get the impression that's a long process,” warned Mark.

“Yes of course. They have to get it right and I know if we want a baby that might take longer, but just to know it's going to happen. It's really going to happen now.”

“Yeah.”

“It's amazing.” Sebastian looked up at Mark. “I know it's not going to happen overnight.”

Mark nodded.

“Well we can talk about that with Rachel tomorrow can't we?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe sort out about those classes?”

Sebastian smiled even more widely and Mark shook his head. For all Seb said he knew he had to wait, he was going to want to rush ahead nonetheless.

“We can sort it all out tomorrow,” assured Mark.

“Yeah.”

Seb let out a long shaky breath, then smiled and flung his arms around Mark's neck, stretching up on his toes as Mark pulled him in tight for a long hug.

 

After a minute Sebastian felt more composed and lowered himself back down. Mark smiled at him and placed a hand at the side of his face before leaning in to give him a kiss. As they lifted apart Seb took in a deep breath.

“Oh god, poor Fabe.”

“He'll be alright.”

“He'll be worrying. Do I look a mess?” worried Seb.

Mark gave a little shrug. He couldn't deny that Sebastian did look as though he had been crying.

“Do you want me to see if he's about?” asked Mark.

Sebastian nodded, so Mark opened the door and looked out for Fabian to see if he was still in the hallway which of course he was. Mark kept the door half-closed as he beckoned him over.

“What's the matter?” asked Fabian anxiously.

Mark shook his head.

“It's alright.”

“What is it though?”

Mark glanced back inside.

“Um.”

Sebastian stepped forwards so his brother could see him. It felt as though this was something they really needed to tell their family all at once and he knew he needed to compose himself properly before doing that.

“Sorry Fabe, it's okay, we just got some news. We just need a minute.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“It's nothing bad. It's good news. I just... can you give us a minute and we'll talk to people?”

Fabian nodded, still looking concerned at how his brother seemed to have been in tears.

Mark reached out and put a hand on Fabian's shoulder, keeping his other arm around Sebastian as they stood in the doorway.

“You can do that for us mate can't you?” he asked. “Like your brother says, we just need a moment then we'll explain, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Thanks, good lad. Nothing to worry about, we'll find you in a minute.”

Fabian nodded and took his cue to step away as the office door shut once more. He stood in the hallway wondering what to do with himself, then went and sat on the stairs.

  
  


  
  


Heike came out of the kitchen and walked over to find her youngest son in the hallway.

“Fabian. What are you doing sitting there?”

“Huh? Nothing.”

“Where's your brother got to?”

“He just... umm I think they needed to sort something out.”

“Where are they? We could do with getting those taxis booked.”

“They're busy Mum,” asserted Fabian. “Have you seen Ryan and the others?”

“Hm? Oh I think they're taking the tents down to pack away.”

“Oh right.”

Fabian got up.

“I think I should give them a hand.”

“Yes.” Heike looked across to the shut office door. “Yes you should say thank you for them bringing them.”

“Are you going to help?”

“Me? I don't know anything about tents,” frowned Heike.

“Just... come and supervise,” encouraged Fabian.

He walked along the corridor to the kitchen and his mother went with him to head outside, still nonplussed.

  
  


  
  


A moment or two later Mark and Sebastian came out, relieved to find nobody about as they nipped upstairs. Sebastian went to wash his face and went to sit on their bed feeling rather calmer.

“Sorry Liebling. You know I get worked up about stuff.”

“Sweetheart it's totally fine. I'm feeling a bit discombobulated myself.”

Seb huffed out a laugh.

“You're what?”

Mark shrugged.

“Churned up. You know with everything.”

He looked at Seb and they both knew how much more complicated their being approved was with all that had come with it. Mark didn't want to bring up how it was they had finally been passed. If he had his way Heikki's name would never be mentioned again.

“Are people still packing?” enquired Seb.

“I think they're mostly outside.”

“Oh?”

“Taking the tents down. Looks like they were making quite a meal of it.”

Mark indicated over to the window and they got up to look. More than half of the family were out there, the dogs running around getting in the way as the kids, along with Dean, Leanne and Mel attempted to unpeg and fold the tents to fit back into storage bags that seemed to have mysteriously shrunk since the tents were taken out of them only a few days earlier.

“Do you think we should go help?” wondered Seb.

“Nah, they've got plenty of people.”

Mark fitted his arms around Seb and put his head onto his shoulder. Mark pressed his cheek into Sebastian's temple and squeezed him just a little tighter. They had good news to share for once. Good news with their family all here and everything was going to be fine. The feeling was so rare they hardly knew how to handle it. Mark smiled at the sight of the family outside getting themselves in a tangle, thinking they were generally pretty good at that themselves. Five more minutes to compose themselves and let them finish up, then they'd go down and share their big news. Mark leaned around to kiss Seb's cheek and saw a smile there as well. Good news at last. He was pretty sure they deserved it.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we go, summer's over for them and back to racing, but how much will things change now? One thing is for sure as ever in this there are lots of challenges to come.
> 
> BTW hope people are still around and reading over the summer in RL, I've got time to write for once, but it might not be the best time for posting, but hey ho, gotta do it while I can.


	166. Plus C'est La Même Chose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And back to the season, even if the summer's not quite over.

 

* * *

  


 

The following day they got up to a strangely quiet house. It felt odd to be just them sitting down to breakfast without having to look after everyone else before themselves. The dogs sat in their baskets and Mark looked over to them as he drank his tea.

“I think they're sad not to have so many people fussing over them.”

Sebastian looked over as well.

“Yeah. Specially Fabe and Ryan.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You've been spoiled boys.”

“Aw they do look sad,” noted Seb.

“Yeah. That won't do.” Mark drained his mug. “Why don't we take them out?”

Sebastian nodded and finished his own drink before going over to give the dogs a rub.

“Will we do, eh?”

Simba nuzzled into his hand as he tried to stroke him and Mark came to duck beside them.

“They'll soon get over it.”

  


  


They walked their usual route, ending up at the top of the hill for a breather while the dogs ran about, seeming happy enough without their young companions as long as Seb and Mark fussed over them and threw some sticks to keep them busy.

“Pauline'll be round later,” noted Seb.

“Yeah. You want to tell her?”

“Yeah we should.”

“Yeah you're right sweetheart, course we should,” agreed Mark.

Seb leaned a little more into him.

“Hopefully she won't actually cry like my mum did.”

Mark put his arm around him.

“She was happy darling.”

“I know.”

“They were all happy for us.”

 

Sebastian nodded. It had felt a bit weird to be making a big announcement yesterday afternoon, but it was really the only way to do it and he hadn't really been surprised to be deluged in hugs and congratulations, even if he and Mark had tried to explain it really only was a first step on what could still be a long road. It had been nice to share it with them in person rather than the phone-calls they always had to make, whether it was good or bad news they had to relate.

He had felt guilty at how relieved his little brother had looked when they told them and Seb had tried to find a chance to get him alone so he could apologise. Of course Fabian had apologised in turn for barging in, but Seb assured him it didn't matter, only trying to reassure his brother it was just shock at the news.

“So like, happy tears?”

Seb puffed a breath and nodded, noting the confirmation that his brother hadn't missed seeing he was actually crying.

“Yeah. Sorry. It probably seems like I'm... I dunno.”

Fabian shook his head.

“No it's fine. This means a lot doesn't it?”

“Yeah it means everything to us.”

“Yeah.”

Fabian nodded and gave his brother another hug.

“I'm happy for you too.”

“Thanks.”

“Everyone is. Mum especially. I'm pretty sure they're happy tears too.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah.”

“I'm really pleased for you,” offered Fabian.

“Thanks. Like the idea of being an uncle again?”

“Yeah.” Seb's brother looked up at him. “I think you'll be really good parents.”

“Thank you. Dunno how long these things take, but yeah.”

 

Sebastian looked back to the lounge where they had dodged away from their over-wrought mother.

“Better go back in. Try and calm Mum down.”

Fabian smiled.

“You timed this well. She's gonna be a nightmare going on about this at home.”

Seb patted his brother on the shoulder.

“Sorry. You'll just have to make yourself scarce won't you? Maybe a good time to get in touch with that girl?”

Fabian scrunched his face at his older brother teasing him.

“Yeah I dunno, maybe.”

“Do it before you have to go back to school,” suggested Seb.

“Why?”

“Well, you've got time and it's a good incentive to make you get on the case, stop procrastinating.”

Fabian rolled his eyes.

“Easy for you to say.”

“I know. Gimme a ring let me know how you get on.”

“Yeah alright. You'll call too won't you?” checked Fabian.

“Course.”

“And you're alright for the race and stuff and everything coming up?”

Sebastian looked at his brother and knew what he was really getting at. He put a hand on his arm.

“I'll be fine, okay?”

“Yeah?”

“Yes I'll be alright. Mark'll be with me won't he?”

“Course, yeah.”

“And I'll stay in touch,” promised Sebastian.

“Right, okay then. Will you be able to come and visit some time?”

“We'll try.”

Sebastian gave his brother a nod. He knew he would probably prefer to be with them in Monza as their parents would, but things were what they were and he was going to have to be a bit selfish about things. He'd try to find a way to make it up to him.

 

 

  


“Alright?” checked Mark, thinking Seb had gone quiet.

“Yeah, sorry I was just thinking.”

“Mm?”

Sebastian shrugged and sat up.

“Do you think we might be able to go visit some time in the Autumn?”

“Who? Your family?”

“Yeah.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“They've only just gone.”

“I know. Fabe was asking that's all.”

“Yeah. Course. I'm sure we'll find a window.”

Seb nodded.

“Just be nice that's all.”

“Course it would.”

“I know it's not fair we don't get to see your folks as often.”

Mark shook his head.

“They're a long way off. Just how it is sweetheart, don't worry.”

“Maybe over the winter break?”

“Yeah maybe. We'll have to see.”

“I suppose we're going to be busy.”

“Yeah.”

“Parenting classes and stuff.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“How long do you think it'll take?”

“To be matched?”

“Yeah.”

Mark shrugged.

“I don't know. Maybe Rachel can help with that later.”

“Yeah I guess.”

Simba and Shadow ran up and they gave them a rub.

“Shall we go back? See if Pauline's turned up?” suggested Mark.

“Yeah we should,” Seb agreed.

  


They walked back to the house and just had time to make a pot of tea before Pauline arrived as expected. As she asked them all about how the rest of their weekend had gone and checked that their family had all got off to the airport okay Mark and Seb assured her that all had been well before finding the opportunity to tell her what they wanted to.

“So we're off out in a bit,” began Mark.

“Oh right, well that's fine. I can get on with things.”

“We have tidied,” assured Seb, “and my mum insisted on cleaning the kitchen.”

“That's fine. I'll just give things a good go over. You're still off on Thursday?”

“Yep, back Sunday night, so you're okay with that?”

“Of course.”

“Yes so anyway as I was saying, we're going out shortly,” retrieved Mark, “we've got a meeting at the adoption agency.”

“Oh right.”

Mark and Seb looked to one another, then back at Pauline.

“Yeah we've had some good news,” announced Mark.

“Oh?”

Sebastian smiled and Mark decided to let him say it.

“We've been approved.”

 

Pauline gasped and put her hand over her mouth. Mark smiled and put his arm around Seb where they stood together by one of the kitchen counters.

“You've been approved to adopt?” checked Pauline.

“Yeah,” confirmed Mark.

“Oh my goodness!”

Mark had to let go of Sebastian as Pauline pounced, hugging each of them in turn. Seb was reminded of Diane's reaction. Mark's mother had hugged him so tight when she heard their news the day before and he thought she had been battling not to cry as his own mother did.

“Oh boys boys, that's the most wonderful news!”

Mark huffed a laugh and as she stood back a little he took the chance to put his arm back around Seb.

“Yeah it really is,” he agreed.

“So when did you find out?”

“Only yesterday.”

“And that's why you're going in?”

“Yeah.”

“We've still got loads to sort out,” noted Seb. “We don't even know exactly what yet, but lots probably and we've no idea how long it takes to get matched and stuff, but...”

“It's wonderful news though dear. You must be so pleased.”

“We are,” confirmed Mark.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “It feels like a load off.”

“I'm sure.”

“Does that sound odd?”

“Odd? No dear of course you'll have been worrying. So you only found out yesterday?”

“Yeah.”

“And did you get chance to tell your family?”

“Yeah it was pretty good timing. Rachel rang to say the approvals board were meeting and then she rang us back after lunch and well, yeah we told them then.”

“Well that's marvellous. Oh I can't wait,” smiled Pauline.

Mark shook his head.

“We don't just go pick out a baby right away.”

 

Pauline shook her head at Mark making sound like babies were kept at a rescue shelter like the puppies he'd brought home.

“Of course not, but in the fullness of time.”

“Yeah.”

Pauline pushed out the longest breath.

“My goodness. Your family must be thrilled.”

“Yeah they're chuffed to bits,” confirmed Mark.

“I'm sure. Well, so am I.”

“Thank you for all your help.”

“Oh nonsense, I've not done anything.”

Sebastian looked at her.

“Yes you have. You wrote us a reference and everything with the house.”

“And just generally keeping things going,” added Mark. “It means a lot.”

“It's essential. We'd be lost without you,” insisted Seb.

“Well...” shrugged Pauline, secretly thrilled.

“Why don't you have a cup of tea?” proposed Mark.

“You know I think I will,” accepted Pauline. “I need a sit down after hearing that.”

Mark and Sebastian set about making the tea, Mark sending Seb a secret wink as they did so.

  


 

  


A little over an hour later they stood in Rachel's office receiving more hugs.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Rachel, “perhaps that's inappropriate?”

“No no,” assured Sebastian. “It's fine.”

“I'm so pleased for you. I know how hard you've worked for this.”

“Thanks. Yeah we're pretty pleased too.”

“Yeah we're stoked,” agreed Mark.

Rachel smiled.

“It's really great news. You'll have to forgive me. I have too many bad days in this job. It's just nice to have a good one for once.”

“Of course.”

“I did think it was likely to go in your favour, but I didn't want to get your hopes up too much.”

“Sure.”

“Anyway, take a seat. We've lots to discuss.”  


Mark and Sebastian sat down together opposite Rachel's desk, listening as she ran through the official approval notice which had been sent to her and looking it over before she put it into their file.

“Okay, so what's our next step?” then asked Mark.

“Well I've already been looking into some parenting classes for you.”

“Great.”

“Yeah? Good. I was thinking perhaps seeing as you have such busy schedules you could send them to me, maybe by email and then I can see what might fit.”

“Oh really? That's very kind of you.”

“Of course.”

“We'll get that to you tomorrow,” assured Seb.

Rachel laughed.

“Still on the case.”

“Well yeah.”

“It's good. Yes if you email me I'll check dates, see what availability there is and we can book you some sessions.”

“That'd be great. We're sort of back and forth but we'll fit them in wherever we can,” assured Seb.

“Great. And then, well we need to start looking at the matching process.”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“Right, so umm, how does that work?” asked Seb.

“Well, we talk about what your hopes are, what we think might be possible,” explained Rachel.

“Okay.”

“We don't need to get too deep into that today. I think Laura, your social worker, will need to be present so we can start the process.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We've, well I, have back to back races coming up so it might be a bit tricky.”

“That's alright, there's no rush.”

“We're away this weekend and next, um...”

“The weekend after we're in Monza,” clarified Mark. “So that's gonna be a bit, well, that's a complicated one.”

“After that then?” proposed Rachel. “How are your diaries for the week after next?”

“Um pretty clear I think, Seb?”

Mark looked to Sebastian who nodded.

“I think perhaps after the Monday?”

 

Mark nodded in reply, thinking they might well need a bit of time to themselves straight after what was bound to be a stressful weekend. Rachel pulled over her diary and flicked over a couple of pages.

“What about the Wednesday? That's the seventh.”

Mark and Sebastian exchanged a silent check, then Mark nodded.

“I think that should work.”

“Great. I'll ask Laura and I can email confirmation if that's alright?”

“Fine.”

“I know you probably have lots of questions and I've no doubt you already have thoughts on what you hope for in terms of being matched, so I would suggest a little bit of a gap is no bad thing. It should give you time to absorb the fact you've been approved and prepare yourselves ready for the next step.”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb.

 

He looked to Mark and wondered if they ought to explain that they hoped for a baby, but perhaps it was best left till the next meeting.

“That sounds sensible,” concurred Mark. “I think we're gonna be pretty busy until then.”

“I'm sure.”

“We will get back to you dates though,” assured Sebastian. “I'm in the factory tomorrow so I can double-check.”

“Thank you and I'll let you know what I'm looking at sorting out for you before finalising anything.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes, thanks Rachel.”

“No problem. Thank you for coming in today.”

“Well we thank you for calling us yesterday,” offered Seb.

“Yeah we know you probably went outside the rules a bit,” Mark added.

“Oh well I didn't exactly break the rules, but it's procedure to do it face to face.”

“Which we are now, so it's fine.”

Rachel smiled.

“Just so. Well while I am seeing you in person, good luck for your upcoming races both of you.”

“Ah well they're both mine actually,” stated Seb.

“Oh okay. Well good luck.”

“Thanks.”

“When are you off?”

“Thursday morning.”

“Well I'm glad we could fit this in.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Us too. Right well we'll email, yeah?”

“I'll look out for it.”

Rachel stood and offered out her hand to shake theirs.

“A bit more professional this time,” she smiled.

“Ah that's alright,” assured Mark. “All a bit over-excited aren't we?”

 

Rachel merely smiled and they said their goodbyes. As they walked out into the car-park Seb looked to Mark and knew that they were both thinking the same thing.

“I hate thinking that he was here.”

Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart it does no good to think about that.”

“I know but... do you think he knew why we were here?”

Mark shook his head.

“I don't think so. I mean it's just council offices. How could he know?”

“I dunno. I don't suppose he'd actually have gone inside.”

“No way darling. Absolutely not.”

“Mm. I guess... I mean if he had known we were trying to adopt I'm sure he'd have found a way of interfering.”

“Yeah well he can't do anything now.”

“No. He'd probably have found a way to leak it or something.”

Mark looked at him.

“Seb sweetheart he _didn't_ , okay? So let's just be thankful for that.”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Mark slipped his hand into Seb's and squeezed it as they crossed the car-park, both of them trying and failing to not think where Heikki might have been stood when he took that photograph they had seen of them doing just this. Hiding somewhere, maybe sat slumped in a car unnoticed. Mark found himself looking at the cars they passed, then told himself off for being ridiculous. It was a couple of months too late to be looking out for him.

“Why don't we do something nice this afternoon?” proposed Mark.

“Like what?”

“Whatever you like. It's dry, we could go for a bike ride?”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb. “And then tonight maybe can we just...?”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Just?”

Seb shrugged.

“I dunno, just make the most of it being us.”

“Ah.”

They reached the car and Mark leaned in to give Seb a kiss.

“That sounds like an excellent idea darling. We should definitely make the most of it.”

They climbed into the car and set off for home thinking about ways in which they could make the most of their time alone before they had to go away, determinedly forgetting the past.

  


  


  


 

 

Arriving in the paddock in Spa felt almost like the start of a new term in school, everyone sharing what they had spent the break doing and where they had been on holiday. It helped somewhat that Seb and Mark had seen some people at their barbecue and as they bumped into DC in the RedBull base his first comment was to thank them for having him and say how nice it had been to see them out of work.

“Well next time you should bring the family,” offered Mark.

“Next time?”

Mark shrugged.

“Yeah we're thinking of doing it annually aren't we?”

He looked to Seb who nodded.

“Yeah good excuse to get people together.”

“Ah well that's nice. I take it you enjoyed it too then?”

“Yeah it was good.”

“And your birthday proper this weekend Mark.”

Mark shook his head.

“Did you memorise it?”

“Naturally,” smiled David. “Big four-oh. Can't forget that.”

Sebastian took a hold of Mark's arm as they stood there.

“We're holding off until after the weekend,” he reported.

“Oh? I thought you said the barbecue was for it.”

“Well yeah, but...”

Seb shrugged one shoulder and DC smiled.

“Make the most of it. Yeah why not? Well I'd better get on. Nice to see you.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah see you around,” added Mark.

  


  


Being back in the paddock felt both a little strange after being away for nearly a month and precisely the same as ever. Mark was quite used to killing time in the base while Seb was busy with the team and Seb was glad to get to work with his mechanics and engineers. He was less keen to face the media even if they were rather more caught up with the battle for the championship at the top. Sebastian of course always replied that he wasn't counting points and he was just taking every race as it came. He knew as they did that that was what everyone who wasn't actually leading said, but Britta assured him it was the best thing to say and Sebastian didn't really care that he was basically fobbing the media off.

Actually Seb really _was_ taking each race as it came. A run at the title didn't seem realistic even if he did kill himself working with the team. The Mercedes was just flat-out better and that was that. He'd been in their position and Seb knew that came with its own pressures for both the team and the drivers. It all felt a long time ago that was him. He passed Lewis coming out of his garage and though his friend happily passed the time of day as they walked along together for the short distance to their respective team bases, Seb got the impression his mind was pre-occupied.

He didn't have much time to linger either though seeing as in addition to all the preparations with the team and the media work he had to do Sebastian found himself required to see the team doctor. Seb didn't ask whether that had been his boss's idea or Dr Phillips himself who made the request, but he knew why it was. Christian might have seen him less than a week ago at their barbecue, but the last time he had seen Doc Phillips Seb had been knocked flat by the news of Heikki's death and he wasn't entirely surprised that he wanted reassurance that he was properly recovered.

  


  


Later in his room with Mark, Sebastian sat down on the bed with him and filled him in on the afternoon's activities.

“So there's a few new parts and I guess we'll see how we go in practice.”

“Sure, well that's what practice is for,” noted Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Okay and how was it with the doc?”

“He just wanted to do some standard checks.”

“Mm and the verdict?”

“Mark I'm fine.”

Mark held up his hands.

“Well I'm just glad he's paying attention.”

Sebastian tsk'd and shook his head.

“He was before. He came to the house during the summer break. I'm pretty sure that's outside his remit.”

“Mm I guess.”

Seb gave him a look and Mark relented.

“Alright, sorry, so he passed you as all good?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“It was three weeks ago Liebling.”

“Yeah alright, well it's done. Forget it. Were the press okay?”

“Ah just same old same old.”

“Right well...”

“I bumped into Lewis,” related Seb. “I'm not so sure he's been having a good time today.”

“Oh?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I dunno. He didn't really say, but I think the press were jumping on him a bit.”

“What for?”

“I dunno. Having the audacity to enjoy himself on holiday by the sounds of it.”

“Ah.”

“I think he was struggling not to show them that it was pissing him off.”

“Mm, well. How it goes.”

“Isn't it though.”

 

Mark leaned into Seb's side.

“Lewis is tough enough. He'll survive. All that media flim-flam will be forgotten when he's picking up the trophy for a fourth world championship.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You think he's got it?”

“Nope, not yet, but I reckon odds on he will.”

“Mm.”

Mark turned around more to look at him.

“What?”

“Nothing Liebling. Just I was thinking how long ago it was that was me.”

“Ah.”

“Sorry, I don't mean...” Seb trailed off, not wanting to highlight that he had championships when Mark didn't.

“It's fine. That'll be you again one day sweetheart.”

“You think?”

“Yeah course. You're still young. You've got a long time left in this game.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I don't feel so young.”

“Yeah well.”

 

Seb leaned into Mark and put his arms around him, knowing Mark wasn't happy about the fact he was due to turn forty in two days time.

“I'm sorry we're away for your birthday Liebling.”

“It's fine.”

“I promise I'll make a big fuss of you when we get home.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“That sounds very promising indeed.”

“Yeah.”

“Are we done for the day?” asked Mark.

“Yep. I just want to change out of my kit.”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian stood up and swapped his RedBull t-shirt and hoody for normal ones. It might make no difference to travel back to the hotel in team kit, but he liked to make the division between work and time off. As he partially did up the zip Mark stood with him.

“We good then?” Mark checked.

“Yep we're good.”

Seb picked up his backpack and hitched it onto his shoulder. As they walked out and along the paddock he took hold of Mark's arm.

“It's not so warm here,” commented Sebastian.

“Colder than home to be sure,” Mark agreed.

Seb looked up at the grey sky.

“I think it's gonna rain.”

“Yeah well, Spa...”

“Yeah.”

Seb shivered a little and pressed in closer to Mark as they walked along.

“You cold?” Mark asked.

“A bit.”

Mark moved to put his arm around him.

“We'll warm up at the hotel.”

“Oh?”

Mark let out a little laugh at the smile on Seb's face.

“Hey sweetheart if you fancy bringing forward a little birthday fussing that would be fine by me.”

“I was thinking we could have a bath.”

“Ah.”

“I mean only if you liked?”

“Oh I like,” assured Mark. “I could definitely do with a little warming up.”

“We could warm each other up.”

“Well now that sounds like an excellent way to spend an evening darling.”

Sebastian smiled and slipped his arm around Mark's waist thinking that if Lewis had this, then surely he wouldn't have looked quite so stressed earlier.

  


 

  


  


  


Sebastian woke early on Saturday morning. It was before the alarm but something in his inner bodyclock kicked in and he lay awake for a while watching Mark sleeping before carefully slipping out of bed, fetching an envelope that was tucked into his suitcase and returning to lie beside Mark without him stirring. Sebastian smiled, feeling pleased with himself. Eventually he saw Mark take a deeper breath and his eyelids flickered. Seb raised his body up to lean over him and planted a kiss on Mark's lips. Mark opened his eyes to see Seb beaming down at him.

“Morning Liebling. Happy Birthday.”

Mark coughed a little laugh and smiled back at him.

“Well there's a way to wake up.”

Sebastian settled down on his elbow beside him and Mark shifted onto his side, still waking himself up properly.

“What time is it?” enquired Mark.

“Early. I didn't really wake you did I?”

“Nah I'm not complaining.”

“Good.”

 

Sebastian gave him another quick kiss before lifting away and picking up the envelope on the bedside drawers and checking the time.

“We've got nearly half an hour before we have to get up,” he announced.

“Good stuff.”

Seb resumed his position and offered over the envelope.

“Happy Birthday Liebling,” he repeated.

Mark smiled and shuffled himself up so he could sit propped against the pillows, Seb moving up to join him.

“Thank you sweetheart.”

“You haven't opened it yet,” pointed out Seb.

“That's true. Hmm, I wonder what it could be?”

Sebastian pulled a face and Mark stole a kiss before slitting open the envelope and pulling out the contents.

“Ooh it's a card. I'd never have guessed,” teased Mark.

Sebastian pouted and Mark laughed.

“Sorry darling it's a lovely card. It doesn't even say happy fortieth on the front.”

“It's Le Mans.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark looked at the painted picture on the front portraying a classic Le Mans car racing in the rain.

“Very nice,” he praised. “Where did you find it?”

“In the bookshop before we went on holiday.”

“Ah.”

“You were busy looking at the books and I snuck it in the pile at the till.”

“Very stealthy darling.”

Mark gave him a smile and they both chose not to think about who else had been stealthy on that day nearly a month ago. Mark moved things along by opening the card and picked out the piece of paper tucked in it.

“What's this?” he asked.

“Read it,” instructed Sebastian.

Mark did as he was told and read the words on the paper. Written in Sebastian's distinctive neat script was an I.O.U. for Wimbledon tickets for next summer. Mark looked up to see Seb's face, clearly waiting with a combination of hope and slight apprehension.

“I know it's not really a proper present,” apologised Seb.

“No it's great,” assured Mark.

“Really?”

“Yeah course. You know I love the tennis.”

“Yeah.” Seb bit his lip. “I know it's a bit rubbish just to give you and I.O.U.”

“No it's not. It's very thoughtful.”

“It's not even tickets, but I talked to Britta and she's got contacts, so I'm sure I can get hold of them.”

“It's great.”

“It's just, sorry, with everything and I didn't know what to get you anyway.”

“Darling. I'm very happy. All I want is this.”

“This?”

“This.”

Mark put his arms around Seb and pulled him in tight.

“This darling. You.”

Sebastian fitted his arms around Mark's middle and squeezed him back.

“I love you so much Liebling.”

“Me too. That's the only gift I need.”

Mark smiled and gave Sebastian a firm kiss so there were no doubts on the matter. As he lifted away Seb couldn't hide the little sigh of relief. Mark read the message written inside the card and gave Seb another kiss before setting the card on the side.

 

“I thought, also Monday's your official birthday, right?” picked up Seb.

“Sure.”

“So we'll do everything nice. We can have a bit of a lie in and I'll bring you breakfast in bed.”

“Sounding good already.”

“And then we could go out for the day. A proper day-trip, to the seaside with the dogs, like we talked about.”

“That's sounds perfect.”

“Yeah? I've been doing a bit of research.”

“Oh? When?”

“Just online whenever I've had a minute. I'm having a look to find a nice beach somewhere.”

“Wherever we go will be fine sweetheart. You, me, the dogs, perfect.”

“We can take a picnic.”

Mark smiled and rubbed his nose into Seb's thinking how sweet he was.

“That sounds awesome darling.”

“I thought if I could find somewhere nice and quiet? I mean nowhere's close anyway, but if we're willing to drive two hours or so.”

“No problem. You pick somewhere and we'll have a little adventure.”

 

Sebastian beamed, feeling much better about what he was doing for Mark's birthday.

“It'll be fun.”

“It will,” agreed Mark. “I can't wait. See, all the effort you're putting into it, that's a great present.”

“Hm, it's just a bit of research.”

“It's you thinking about it. Wanting to make it nice, to give me a special day.”

“Yeah I do want that.”

“Perfect then.”

“You gave me loads of nice presents.”

“Sweetheart, hand on heart. I don't care about having things to unwrap.”

“Okay.”

“Except maybe you.”

Sebastian laughed and looked into his eyes.

“I have to go off to the circuit Liebling.”

“Today you do, but on Monday, on my official birthday?”

“You can unwrap me all you like,” promised Seb.

 

Mark leaned in and kissed him slowly. As he lifted away Sebastian sighed.

“I kindof wish I didn't have to go to work this morning.”

“Only kindof?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Monday.”

“I can't wait.”

“I'll bet.”

“For all of it sweetheart. We'll have a lovely day together and I can't think of anything better.”

“Okay. Sorry. I do feel a bit bad I didn't get you proper presents like you did for me. I struggle so badly with what to get you.”

Mark shook his head.

“You worry too much. Really sweetheart I'm not being polite. All I want is you and then I couldn't be happier. I'm already looking forward to Monday.”

“Okay. Me too.”

“Good. Now then.” Mark pulled Seb in tighter against him. “What time did you say it was?”

“Hm? Oh. Half six.”

“Mm, half an hour,” noted Mark with a grin. “Now what could we do with half an hour of free time all to ourselves?”

Sebastian smiled back, his cheeks bunching as he tried not to laugh.

“Anything you like Liebling. It's your birthday.”

“Anything I like. Hmm...”

Seb moved to position himself more over Mark, then kissed his chest.

“Anything I mean, you know, within reason,” he offered.

“Mm.”

Seb kissed a little lower down Mark's chest, then looked back up at him.

“This for instance.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark. “Yes that's very nice.”

Seb aimed lower still then peeled the duvet back and continued to head south. Mark made an appreciative little noise, then set his head back thinking he quite liked birthdays after all.

  


  


  


Both Mark and Sebastian thought their Saturday was starting pretty well until they got to the track, still fairly early only to find Britta waiting for them just inside the RedBull base.

“Seb, I've been trying to call you.”

Mark and Sebastian looked at one another, already knowing this presaged nothing good.

“Oh um, I think I might have left it on silent, sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

“Yeah, um could you come into my office?”

“Sure.”

“Mark you might want to come too.”

“Oh god,” sighed Mark. “What is it?”

“Just if you could come through.”

 

They followed Britta to the tiny office she had in the base, Sebastian automatically slipping his hand into Mark's. As soon as they went in and Britta shut the door behind them they could see her laptop open on the desk next to the day's pile of newspapers. Britta went over to stand by her desk, then looked back at them.

“I'm sorry. I had no warning of this.”

Sebastian's heart sank. He already had a nasty feeling what this might be about. He and Britta hadn't overtly discussed what had happened over the summer but he knew that their boss would have done.

“Is it Heikki?” he risked.

Britta nodded.

“I'm sorry Seb. 'The Mail' has it for this morning's late edition. They didn't go online with it until just now. Nobody else has picked it up yet, but...”

“They will,” completed Mark darkly.

“Mm.”

Sebastian felt all the good feelings he had from his nice start to the day with Mark shooting out of him like an untied balloon released to flop emptily to the floor. He closed his eyes and worked to compose himself. When Seb opened his eyes it was to see Mark looking at him with concern. He took a deep breath and felt Mark squeeze his hand before Seb spoke to Britta, trying to sound calm.

 

“Okay so what have they got?”

“Not much. The article itself just has that he was killed in a traffic accident and extrapolates from there.”

“Meaning?” pressed Seb.

“Well they have that the accident occurred in Milton Keynes and from that, well they're intimating that he might have resumed... well...”

“Stalking me.”

“Yeah.”

“Which he was,” noted Mark.

“Yes, though all they do in the article is suggest that it's a possibility.”

Sebastian took another deep breath and Mark put his arm around him.

“Is that all they have?” asked Mark.

“Yes. I don't know that they have the complete police report seeing as they don't even state that he was over the limit,” explained Britta.

 

Seb looked at her thinking that it sounded as though she had been well briefed by Christian. He didn't object to it seeing as he knew Britta had to be prepared if she was going to watch out for him. He knew he could trust her and Christian knew the same.

“So nothing more than that?” Seb checked.

“No it's just speculation,” confirmed Britta.

“How do they even have that much?” asked Mark.

Britta shrugged.

“I don't know. How do they ever? I've already tried some digging, but to no avail so far. I get the impression that they've been sitting on the information.”

Mark shook his head.

“Waiting for an F1 weekend to get maximum publicity.”

“That would be my assumption,” agreed Britta. “I'm sorry.”

Sebastian sighed heavily.

“I should have known it would get out.”

“Seb the legal team are all over this and I'm going to do everything I can this morning to head it off.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian pushed out a calming breath.

“Okay. The others are all going to pick this up though aren't they?”

Britta could only give a tip of her head. They all knew the score.

“I'm going to be very clear that you won't discuss it.”

“Mm.”

“It's a flat 'no comment' Seb okay? Hopefully if they know they're getting nothing they'll drop it.”

Seb huffed a dry little laugh.

“Right. You know they'll still find ways to ask. They always do.”

“Yeah. I'm sorry Seb. I'll do all I can.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah okay. I know you will.”

“Okay well I'll be on it.”

“I just need to get changed.”

“Sure. I'll walk you down to the garage in ten minutes.”

 

Sebastian nodded again and they left to go up to his room. As soon as they were alone he pressed into Mark to get a hug.

“Are you okay?” asked Mark.

“I dunno. I guess... I mean I suppose I knew the odds were this was going to get out somehow.”

“Yeah. It doesn't sound as if they have much though.”

“Yeah but they'll be digging now.”

“Sweetheart Britta's on it. The legal team are on it.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and breathed slowly, telling himself to be calm, to be logical, not to let panic overrun him. He let out a deep breath and looked up to Mark, feeling a fraction better.

“I guess it's something they only have the bare bones, you know that he was killed,” Seb allowed.

“Yeah I don't think they can have all the documents.”

Seb furrowed his brow as he considered it all.

“No, there'd definitely be more,” he agreed. “Unless they're waiting to do a follow-up.”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm sure they'd stick it all in to make more of an exclusive.”

“Yeah I spose. Yeah they'd definitely go in for the kill about him drinking and stuff and... Britta didn't say anything about us going to the police station. The tabloids would love that.”

“Exactly,” Mark concurred. “I mean it's still rotten obviously, but I think they've got what they've got. The team will come down on it like a tonne of bricks now.”

“Yeah. Do you think we should call Alex?”

“The lawyer? No I'm sure he's already on it.”

“Yeah but about his friend. You don't think he could have leaked it?”

Mark rubbed at his face.

“I don't think so darling. They'd have much more then wouldn't they?”

“Yeah. I suppose he did give us his word.”

“Mm, well we don't really know him, but if Alex chose to trust him I rather think he'll be getting a phone-call anyway don't you?”

“Yeah.”

“So I'm sure it's being taken care of,” assured Mark.

 

Sebastian pushed out the longest breath and went to sit on the bed for a moment. Mark sat beside him.

“Darling I know it's not going to be fun no commenting, but you can do this. Britta will stomp all over them and we've just got to cross our fingers this'll pass.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. You think legal can stop anything more coming out?”

“Hopefully. They're pretty good at this stuff.”

“I suppose if all they have is he's dead and he was hanging around...”

“I know it's still horrible darling.”

“Yeah, but it could be worse.”

Mark gave a little tip of his head and Seb furrowed his brow as he thought about it.

“Actually I don't think it could be that policeman we saw selling us out. Alex's friend.”

“I don't think so either,” agreed Mark.

“If it was him then they'd have about us adopting too.”

Mark puffed a breath. That point hadn't occurred to him.

“Yeah well he never wrote it down did he? I don't think it's him sweetheart. I think somebody somewhere thought they could make a quick buck by passing information. It doesn't sound like they had much to sell.”

“No. I guess...” Sebastian nodded slowly as he thought about it. “I suppose they're just spinning a story.”

“Nothing unusual there I'm afraid.”

“No.”

“And I know it's not nice, but the bit about him stalking you. That's old news. I think Britta's right. If you give them nothing, they'll give up and it'll fizzle out.”

“It's just, I guess it's me worrying cos I know how much more is there.”

“Yeah I know sweetheart, but _they_ don't. They think they've got the story, but if we give them nothing more they'll never know.”

Seb nodded.

“Okay. I'll just have to brazen it out.”

“Well nobody's better at it than you.”

Sebastian huffed a dry little laugh.

“Yeah okay. I guess it's time for me to practice some acting again.”

“You're a great actor darling.”

“Thanks.”

Seb leaned in and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“I'd better get ready.”

 

Once he was changed and ready Mark stood with him. He put a hand at his cheek.

“Game face on sweetheart.”

“Yeah. I'm sorry this is happening on your birthday Liebling.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Oh my god, don't worry about that.”

“I don't want it to spoil your day.”

“Well my official birthday is Monday and besides, don't worry about that.”

“You already said that.”

“So? It bears saying twice.”

“The press might try to talk to you too.”

“Well they can fuck off.”

Sebastian gave him a half smile.

“I don't think that's the phrasing Britta would recommend.”

“No, well...”

 

There was a knock on the door and Mark took the chance to give Seb a quick hug before opening it. They expected it to be Britta, but Christian was stood there. He stepped in and Seb could see his boss appraising him.

“So Britta's talked to you?” began Christian.

“Yeah.”

“And you're okay?”

Seb shrugged.

“Well I'd rather it wasn't happening, but she says she's handling it.”

“I've spoken to the legal team myself Sebby. They're going to crush this story I promise you.”

“You promise?” challenged Mark.

“Well I can't stop the paddock press asking a few questions, but we will do all we can to kill it off going any further than that.”

“Britta's calling editors?” guessed Seb.

“Britta is doing what she does. I've suggested she gets on with it and I will walk down with you to the garage.”

 

Sebastian was tempted to say he'd already have Mark holding his hand and he didn't need Christian on the other side, but it was kind of his boss to offer.

“If that's alright?” continued Christian. “I just think if she does what she needs to. There's no need for you to talk to any of the media until after qualifying.”

“Okay,” agreed Seb.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah okay. Britta should just get on with things.”

“Right well shall we get on? I take it you are coming Mark?”

“Yep,” replied Mark.

Christian nodded. He hadn't expected any other answer.

  


  


  


By the end of the day Sebastian was as thoroughly sick of deflecting questions that tried to find a sideways way of asking about the story as he was of flat out refusing to answer direct ones.

“So Sebastian these, um, stories in the press, aren't distracting you from your work?” began yet another reporter in the pen.

“No.”

“You don't think it explains your only getting fifth in qualifying today?”

“No I think the fact four other drivers went faster explains me getting fifth today. I just wasn't fast enough. That's it,” replied Sebastian bluntly.

“Okay, so... tomorrow, you're hoping for a good start?”

“I'm always hoping for a good start. That's as true when I've got pole position to if I was starting from the back of the grid.”

The reporter nodded and withdrew her recording device, knowing this was getting her nowhere. Sebastian caught Britta's eye and he knew she was asking if he wanted to get out of here. He did want to get out. He wanted to tell the media they had no idea what they were doing delving into this, but he'd been here all too often before. Seb gave Britta a look back that hid a shake of the head. If he was going to brazen this out to show the media that he was fine and there was nothing worth digging for, then he had to stick it out. Sebastian was going to stay in the pen until every last reporter, interviewer and blogger who had finagled a press pass had asked their last question and he had exhausted them.

 

Britta walked him on to the next corner and an array of microphones and voice recorders shot out towards him once more.

“Seb, are you concerned that you were being stalked again?”

Britta stepped in.

“You know he's not talking about that. It is a police matter.”

“But...”

“He is not discussing it. If you would like to discuss that with me Andrew then I will see you later.”

The journalist sagged.

“Do you have a question?” Britta prompted.

The man puffed, then nodded.

“Yeah, so Seb, was qualifying disappointing for you today?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It was what it was. I've had worse. No points on Saturdays.”

“You must be hoping for a good start off the line tomorrow.”

 

It took almost as much effort for Seb not to roll his eyes as it did for him to pretend none of their other prying bothered him. As he reached Lee in the far corner he looked out to her, hoping to god she might take pity on him and ask something else.

“Sebastian.”

“Hi Lee, you look like you got a tan.”

Lee smiled, knowing when Seb was buttering her up, but enjoying it as ever.

“Thank you. I was in Rio for most of the summer.”

“Oh for the Olympics?”

“Yeah, no break for me.”

“You work to hard.”

“Ha. Tell my boss. Okay, so speaking of getting back to work, how was today?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Not all it might be, but you can overtake here, so we'll see how things go tomorrow.”

“Indeed. You have high hopes for the race then?”

“Of course. I think it might hold off rain which would be a nice change here in Spa.”

“I think we'd all be grateful for that.”

“Still August,” observed Sebastian. “You'd hope for a bit more summer yet.”

“Yes speaking of which I heard you had something going on over the break you hadn't mentioned,” Lee commented.

 

Sebastian stopped, looking at her thinking that he had hoped that at least she wouldn't delve into the gossip going around. Surely Lee had to know he wouldn't talk about Heikki? He didn't quite know what to say and Lee realised she had been too oblique, so she went on.

“Your little gathering to celebrate your wedding,” she clarified. “I heard you had quite a few of your fellow drivers there for a party.”

“Oh.” Seb's expression cleared and lightened. “Right, yeah we just had a few friends and family over.”

“Sounds nice. Where was my invite?” teased Lee.

Sebastian smiled.

“Maybe next time.”

“You're getting married again?”

“Ha, no, I guess we could renew our vows though. Maybe you can come to that.”

“I look forward to it Seb. Well, good luck for the race.”

“Thanks Lee, much appreciated.”

As Seb walked away he hoped Lee did realise he meant that. He wondered whether DC had set her up with that question to give them something else to talk about. He could tell him off for gossiping, but Sebastian knew people were bound to have heard about their party via the grapevine. It was inevitable really when they'd really had quite a few people from the paddock there. No doubt it was the subject of much tittle-tattle on Twitter and the like, but Seb would rather people were gossiping about that than the alternative. Given the choice it wasn't hard to be grateful to discuss the end of his summer than the beginning of it. Unfortunately most of the media seemed to prefer the drama of the latter.

  


  


Britta walked him back to the base where Mark leapt up from his seat to meet him.

“Hey, you alright?”

Sebastian nodded, then gave a look to Britta.

“I'm fine. Thanks Britta.”

“No problem. Half hour before the debrief?”

“Sure.”

 

Britta nodded and left them to go up to Sebastian's room. Once inside Mark looked more closely at him.

“Are you sure you're okay?”

Sebastian puffed a breath and shrugged.

“I dunno. I mean. Yeah they didn't get anything really.”

“You mean you didn't _give_ them anything. I saw you on TV. You looked good.”

“Thanks Liebling.”

“You always look good though,” assured Mark.

Seb gave him a look and Mark hugged him before they sat down on the bed.

“You did good sweetheart. I know it's not easy even if you make it look that way.”

“Yeah,” sighed Seb. “I just... it makes me think about it and I don't want to.”

“I know.”

Sebastian leaned into Mark's side and rest his head down onto Mark's shoulder.

“I guess... if they...” Sebastian closed his eyes. “They don't know.”

“No darling they don't.”

Seb sighed and Mark rubbed his arm.

“Sweetheart they've only got what the first story had, the rest are just recycling the same information.”

Seb looked at him.

“How do you know?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“I have a phone and a wi-fi connection. I looked.”

“Right.”

“There's nothing more Seb, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And you just gave one of your bravura performances, so they'll have no reason to think there is any more.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“How do you know that?”

“Because I know you. You're the best at this stuff,” asserted Mark.

“No I mean, the press. You don't think they'll try for more?”

“I think Britta, the lawyers, and the team will stop anything more and the way you handled it today should give them no incentive to try.”

“Mm I suppose. It's just I'm doing my best, but the problem is I can't help worrying about what's about to come out of someone's mouth. You know, if they'll pounce with something more.”

“Yeah.” Mark rubbed over Seb's arm. “Yeah I'm sorry sweetheart.”

“I don't know that they really would do it like that. I think maybe they'd probably just print it if they had something more.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah and Britta and the lawyers are doing all the can to prevent that.”

“Mm, yeah, well hopefully I did a good enough job making it look like there's nothing to look for.”

“I'm sure you have darling.”

“I hope so,” sighed Seb.

“The media are pack animals sweetheart, they sniff in one direction, then when the trail runs cold they all go another way.”

“Hopefully.”

“Yeah.”

“They didn't stop you on the way back here did they?” checked Seb.

“One or two tried. I ignored them,” Mark related.

“Oh okay.”

“Don't worry about it. I've got a bit of experience with this too you know.”

“I know you do Liebling.”

“I just pretended I could neither see nor hear them. Best way.”

“Yeah well you've no obligation to talk to them.”

“I know. I didn't even tell them to fuck off or anything.”

A small smile appeared on Seb's face.

“Thanks.”

“I'm not saying it wasn't tempting.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian puffed out a breath. “Can we just have a lie down for five minutes before I have to go shower?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian sat away and peeled off the lower half of his race-suit so he was just in his long underwear, then they found a way as they always did to fit onto the bed together.

 

Sebastian let out a long sigh as he allowed himself to relax. Facing the media on a day like to today was more tiring than the actual driving and he needed five minutes with Mark holding onto him to recover himself.

“I'm sorry Liebling. I don't want this ruining your birthday,” apologised Sebastian.

“As long as you're okay, I'm okay.”

“Yeah. We could have dinner tonight, just in the hotel restaurant maybe?”

“Whatever you like darling. I don't mind. Monday's my birthday day. That's fine.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian went quiet for a few moments, just appreciating lying here in peace as they held on to one another.

 

“I was thinking,” Seb began, breaking the silence.

“Hm?”

“A year ago we were here and he was doing all that stuff, spreading nasty rumours about me.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“I suppose... I mean I don't like that this stuff is in the papers and I hate having to think about it at all, but I guess... I mean it does make me think he can't do that anymore. He can't stalk me and he can't spread rumours, or try to go to the press, or, well, do anything.”

“No he can't,” confirmed Mark.

“So I guess there's that.”

“Yeah, there's that.”

“I can't let him keep on affecting my life even after he's dead,” asserted Sebastian.

Mark merely nodded and Seb looked into his eyes that were so close as they lay together.

“I think Henry would say I have to choose to be free of him,” he asserted.

“Maybe. What do you say?”

“I don't know. I guess it's true. I feel bad you're having to worry about it on your birthday.”

“Seb that doesn't matter.”

“It does. It does to me.”

“It's not important.”

“Yes it is. Your birthday is important to me. I know I didn't get you a big present or anything.”

“Sweetheart believe me when I say I am more than happy with what you did give me.”

 

Seb looked at him and Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Okay,” accepted Sebastian.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. So... okay so I think perhaps I need to stop pretending to the press that it's not affecting me and you know, actually _not_ let it affect me.”

“Right, well that sounds good.”

“Like going for a meal tonight for your birthday, even if it's only at the hotel.”

“Darling if there is food, drink and you, I could be eating at the most expensive restaurant in the world or a corner café and it wouldn't matter.”

“As long as you had food.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Food is nice, but I meant you.”

“Okay, thank you Liebling. So we'll have dinner?”

“Sure. We'll have a nice meal and we won't talk about anything serious.”

“We could talk about Monday?”

“That sound ideal.”

“I think I found a nice beach for us to go to.”

Mark laughed again.

“When on earth did you find time for that?”

“When I was stood waiting for the guys to make adjustments to the car in FP3. It looks like it's in the middle of nowhere.”

“Sounds perfect. You can tell me all about it later and we'll make our plans.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian squeezed himself into Mark and was glad for the reciprocal squeeze Mark gave him.

“I need to shower.”

“Sure.”

“Do you think I should call my family again?”

“Only if you want to sweetheart. They know what's going on.”

“Yeah. I think maybe before we go out, so they know I'm okay.”

“Righto.”

Sebastian reluctantly pushed himself to sit up.

“Were your mum and dad okay when you spoke to them?”

“They're fine. They just asked after you that's all.”

Seb nodded. He knew he should check his phone. There were bound to be a bunch more messages from his little brother worrying about him.

“Yeah okay, we'll call people later.”

“Sure.”

Seb found his phone and sure enough there were messages waiting, so he sent a quick one to Fabian cc-ing in his sisters to assure them it was all being handled and he was fine and would call them again when he got chance later. After his rapid shower Sebastian came back through and re-dressed in team gear.

 

“I didn't want to say, but I think maybe I did let it affect me a bit. Fifth... I mean it's not the best.”

Mark stood and shook his head.

“You're human darling, but a bad day for you is a good day for most of the others, so don't sweat it.”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“I might be a while in debrief trying to see where we can pull things back in the race.”

“Not a problem. I'll walk down with you.”

Seb nearly said Mark didn't need to, but he knew he'd be wasting his breath. A bad day for him was still a damn sight better these days and he knew he should be grateful for that and who he owed it to.

“Thanks.”

“That's alright. Keeps me busy and you can make sure I'm not swearing at reporters.”

Sebastian smiled and gave him a kiss. He had to focus on the positives. Heikki wasn't going to take this from him.

  


  


  


  


The next morning Sebastian stood waiting for the drivers' parade with all the rest. There was a fine drizzle hanging in the air outside so they were hanging around under cover which seemed rather pointless seeing as the cars they would be sat in for the parade were all open-top, but they did as they were told. Seb caught sight of Lewis and went to say hello.

“Hey.”

“Hey, how're you doing?” checked Lewis.

“I'm okay. You?”

Lewis looked around them and took a few steps away from the rest.

“Yeah I kindof meant that stuff in the papers.”

Sebastian nodded, before replying quietly.

“Yeah.”

“You're alright?”

“Yeah I'm okay. It all happened at the start of the break.”

“He was stalking you again?”

Sebastian glanced about to be sure no one was close enough to hear before replying.

“Yeah.”

“Jeez. I'm sorry man.”

“Mm.”

“But he's dead?”

“Yeah.”

“Right. I don't even know what to say about that,” confessed Lewis.

“That's okay.”

“I mean obviously I don't want to say I'm glad someone's dead.”

“Mm, well I'm not sure Mark has such qualms.”

“No I'd imagine not. Sorry, I shouldn't be mentioning this now.”

“That's okay. I guess I should have told you when you were at ours, but... I dunno I just wanted to have a nice day and not think about any of that.”

“No course not. Well, as long as you're okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, am I making it worse?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“It's fine. Thanks for asking. Were you, I mean did the press ask you about it?”

“Oh, no I just heard that's all. You know what the paddock's like.”

“I certainly do. Sorry you had to hear it as gossip.”

“Oh hey that's fine. I get you'd rather not talk about it.”

“Mm.”

“On which note I should shut up, sorry. You know I've got a big mouth.”

Sebastian shook his head again.

“Nah that's okay.”

 

He looked over and saw that their minders were starting to move people out to meet their parade cars.

“Guess we're up.”

“Ah yes, well, good luck for the race.”

“You too, though you probably don't need it from pole.”

Lewis smiled and shrugged.

“I think we all need a little luck in this business.”

“True. I don't want you and Nico crashing into one another right in front of me.”

“Thanks man.”

“You'd be in my way.”

“Very thoughtful of you.”

“What goes around, right?” smiled Seb.

“Right.”

  


They headed outside and as Sebastian climbed into his assigned car and headed out around the track he smiled and waved to the crowds despite the drizzle. The fans sat in open grandstands and in whatever spot around the circuit they could find were putting up with the weather so he could too. The forecast was that it should brighten up later, though when precisely 'later' would be was another matter. As they came back around and he got out, the television camera appeared and Johnny Herbert leapt into his path looking annoyingly perky.

“Seb, you're having a bit of a tricky weekend. Does that explain why you've not been looking too happy to be here?”

Sebastian did his best not to pull a face at that.

“I'm quite happy to be here thank you. I'm looking forward to the race.”

“It's Mark's birthday this weekend I believe,” commented Johnny.

“Yes that's right.”

“His fortieth.”

“Mm.”

“Age comes to us all I suppose. Are you doing anything special?”

“Well right now I'm getting ready for the race, but I'm extremely grateful that my husband is here to support me. That's pretty special.”

“So will that make the difference for you today?”

“It always makes a difference,” asserted Seb.

“I'm sure, well good luck today.”

“Thanks.”

“And happy birthday to Mark.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

 

  


 

When they were reunited and in his room Seb looked to Mark as he changed into his race gear.

“Liebling.”

“Mm.”

“I feel a bit bad we're not making more of a big deal of your birthday.”

Mark gave him a look.

“Sweetheart we've talked about this.”

“Yeah but it's a special birthday.”

“I'd rather not think of that aspect to be honest.”

“Okay.”

“Come here.”

Mark held out his hand and Seb took it to allow himself to be pulled to sit with him.

“Do I lie to you?” challenged Mark.

“No.”

“So. When I say I'm perfectly happy with my birthday as it is you know I'm telling the truth, yes?”

“Yes okay. If you think of anything you want as a present you'll tell me though?”

Mark sighed at Sebastian fretting.

“Okay, if it makes you happy I will, but sweetheart we're going to be together for many years to come. We've got lots of birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries ahead. I want them just to be nice times we spend together, not something that makes you stressed, worrying about getting the perfect gift. That won't make me happy. You know what makes me happy?”

“What?”

“When _you're_ happy. When I see you smile your beautiful smile and I know it's just for me, or even better _because_ of me. That's the best gift darling, not something wrapped with a bow.”

“Okay, sorry.”

“That's alright. It's nice that you want to make my birthday special. I'm not wild about turning forty, but if I can look back in years to come and remember a nice day spent together, you me and the dogs, then I'll treasure that, not some item gathering dust.”

Sebastian stretched up and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“Okay. I checked the weather for tomorrow and it should be better.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well let's just deal with today's weather first.”

“I think that's going to cheer up too.”

“Ah well, we're all set then.”

Seb smiled and Mark smiled back.

“There we go, that's what I'm talking about.”

 

Mark leaned in and kissed Sebastian slowly, coming to a halt resting his forehead against Seb's. They both let themselves absorb the comfort of that feeling for a moment, then Sebastian sat up.

“I need to get down to the garage.”

“Okay. Shall I come with you?” asked Mark.

“It's okay, I'll walk down with Britta. I've got a fair bit to go over with the guys yet. Why don't you get a coffee and catch up?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah you'll just be stood around. Give it twenty minutes.”

“Okay, as you like.”

“I just don't want you to get bored.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“It's fine. I'll catch up, let you get on.”

  


  


  


Seb met Britta downstairs and gave Mark a quick kiss goodbye despite the fact they were due to be parted so briefly. Mark went to get himself a coffee to pass the time and as he stood at the bar waiting to be passed it a smiling face appeared beside him.

“Alright there old man?”

Mark turned and shook his head.

“Thank you for that DC.”

“No problem. How does it feel to be forty then?”

“You tell me mate, you've had more practise.”

“Ouch.”

Mark looked at him and David huffed a laugh.

“Yeah alright, fair point. You not heading down to the garage with Seb?”

“I'm catching him up.”

“Ah right.”

“Shouldn't you be off wittering to camera?”

“Ah ha, cheers pal, no we're just on highlights this weekend.”

“Part-timer.”

“Literally so,” conceded David. “You got time for a sit down then?”

“Um, yeah ten minutes.”

  


They went to sit down in a relatively quiet corner of hospitality with their coffees.

“I'm keeping out of the way to be honest mate,” admitted Mark.

“I see.”

“They're just running through last-minute prep.”

“Yeah of course. I was only teasing,” clarified David.

“Sure. Sorry. I think I might be a bit sensitive this weekend.”

David was about to make another joke about his birthday and old age, then stopped himself.

“How is he?”

Mark sighed and looked at him.

“Am I talking to media or a friend right now?”

“A friend Mark, come on. I wouldn't do that to you.”

“No okay, sorry, like I said I'm a bit sensitive.”

“Sure.”

Mark took a sip of his coffee, then shrugged.

“He's okay. You know Seb.”

“Not as well as you do.”

“Well I would hope not.”

David smiled.

“Quite so. He's okay then?”

“Yeah he's alright. I mean obviously we could do without it, but...” Mark rubbed a hand over his jaw. “It's not new.”

“What happened or the media.”

“Either. Both.”

DC nodded.

“I haven't asked him about it.”

“Good. Thank you.”

“I told the team it would only hurt us in the long run. So we're steering clear.”

“Yeah, well I appreciate it. Obviously, I mean as a friend...”

“As a friend,” confirmed David.

“It's not great. You know the paper held out to run their story this weekend just to make the most of the timing.”

“Yeah.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“Not all media are the tabloids Mark,” defended DC.

“I know. Hard to feel that way sometimes.”

“Mm, I get that. I have been on the other side you know.”

“I know.”

“Is he really okay?” checked David.

“He's okay. I mean it all happened a while back now. It's not great he had to spend yesterday refusing to discuss it, but yeah... the stuff itself happened a while back.”

“Mm. You never said.”

“No well...”

David nodded, know why that was.

“I'm sorry.”

“What for?” asked Mark.

“I dunno. That you guys have to put up with this stuff, that it happened.”

Mark nodded.

“Hm, well.”

“Was he stalking him again?” pressed David.

 

Mark gave David a look and DC held up a hand.

“I really am asking as a friend. It goes no further I promise.”

Mark puffed a long breath and looked to be sure they weren't about to be overheard.

“Yeah.”

David nodded soberly.

“Guess he won't be doing that anymore.”

“Nope.”

“Don't suppose you're sorry he's dead.”

Mark coughed a dry laugh.

“I'm only sorry I didn't get to kill the bastard myself.”

 

DC looked at him, slightly surprised to hear such strident words, but Mark looked back unapologetically.

“Right,” nodded David.

Mark shrugged and shook it off.

“And that would be why I'm not talking to the media.”

“Yeah, well like I said, you're not right now.”

“Thanks.”

“And despite my ill-founded reputation as a gossip I won't pass it on either,” vowed DC.

“Thank you. I do appreciate you as a friend you know.”

DC smiled.

“Even when I take the piss out of your age?”

“Take the piss all you like mate, Seb doesn't care.”

“That I take the piss or that you're old now.”

Mark gave him a little smile.

“Ah now if you really want to get on the wrong side of Seb you say something like that to him.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. He gets very defensive of me. Won't even hear of it.”

David laughed and shook his head.

“Well that really is adorable.”

“You know what mate? Off the record, yes it is.”

Mark sipped his coffee and smiled to himself, feeling surprisingly better for the conversation.

  


  


  


  


By the end of the day both Mark and Sebastian were feeling considerably better. Seb's fourth place was perhaps not all that he might have hoped for, but in the circumstances he thought he had done reasonably well. He certainly didn't feel as though he hadn't tried in the race, but the Mercedes had vexingly chosen neither to crash into one another, or to suffer mechanical issues and Daniel who had started third finished third. Being ahead he had first call on strategy and Seb knew that was just the way things worked in the team.

“At least I went forwards not back,” he noted to Mark as he stood finally dressing in his normal clothes.

“Course. You got what you could sweetheart.”

“Yeah.” Seb puffed a breath and nodded. “Yeah, you know I did try, but I never really got close enough to Dan.”

“Same cars. Nico had the same problem with Lewis,” pointed out Mark.

“Mm, yeah he looked a lot more pissed off in the pen.”

“Ah well. I'm afraid I don't care so much about that as long as you were okay in there.”

Sebastian nodded.

“They stuck to questions on the race.”

“Good.”

“I think Britta might have done a number on them.”

“Remind me to send her a nice Christmas card.”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“I don't think I've ever been so happy to talk about how I didn't make the podium.”

“In the scale of things sweetheart...”

“I know. I'll just be glad when this weekend is over and we can go home,” admitted Seb.

“Yeah. Well it sounds to me like we can put it behind us.”

 

Seb nodded. He guessed Britta didn't tell him half the things that went on behind the scenes. It did feel good to know she had his back and no doubt any number of people in the team fighting his corner this weekend. He pulled on his, or more accurately one of Mark's, hoody and checked that all his things were fitted into his bag.

“Okay, we're good to go,” he announced.

“Yeah?”

“Yep.”

“So have we got to make an early start for this little trip you have planned tomorrow?” enquired Mark.

“No not really. Should take under two hours by the looks of it.”

“So we can have a lie in?”

Seb smiled and nodded.

“Yes Liebling, we can have a lie in.”

“An actual lie in, or...”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Well I'm sure we can manage a little of both.”

“I'm sure we can,” agreed Mark. “As long as you're not going to be tired after the weekend?”

“I can sleep on the flight can't I?”

“True, you're very good at that.”

“Lots of practice. Maybe go straight to bed when we get home later.”

Mark raised an eyebrow and Seb shook his head.

“We'll see. I think I actually might be tired tonight.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“That's fine darling. Early night, actual early night. No problem.”

“Your official birthday is tomorrow anyway,” pointed out Seb.

“That's true,” agreed Mark.

“Okay we're good. Shall we get going?”

“Sure.”

“Sooner we get home the sooner we go to bed, sooner it is tomorrow,” Sebastian asserted.

Mark laughed and held the door open.

“Flawless logic darling. Let's go.”

 

They headed out and as Mark took his hand and gave him a smile Sebastian's smile back was genuine. They were going home and tomorrow they were going to celebrate Mark's birthday. He wasn't going to let anything spoil that, so he had to forget the weekend, forget the race, forget the press, forget Heikki. It was all in the past, the future was more important.

 

 

* * *

 


	167. Edge Of The World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok so here's what is hopefully a nice weekendy chapter for the weekend.

* * *

  
  


 

Sebastian woke the same time as he had the day before and literally let out a sigh of relief as he realised they were home. He was curled on his side, Mark lying behind him and he breathed out Seb felt kiss the nape of his neck and stroke over his arm. Seb let out a contented sigh liking the feeling of Mark's body pressed into his. He wanted to see him though so Sebastian swivelled around to face him. Mark smiled and gave him a kiss as Sebastian rested his cheek into the pillow beside him.

“Morning,” greeted Mark.

“Morning Liebling, happy birthday.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Again?”

“Yes. This is your official birthday isn't it?”

“Course it is. Thank you sweetheart.”

Sebastian couldn't repress a little yawn and Mark laughed again.

“Still tired?” he enquired.

“Mm only a little bit. I'm still waking up.”

“Yeah. No rush is there?”

“No. I set the alarm for nine, but there's no rush,” Seb assured.

“Good.”

 

Mark slipped his left hand under Sebastian's body to pull him a little closer and they merely looked at one another for a while. Mark smoothed a hand over Seb's side but he wasn't about to hurry things on. There was sunlight seeping through the closed curtains and Mark guessed that meant that the weather was decent outside.

“Think it might be nice today,” he observed.

“Yeah.”

“Though frankly darling it could be pouring with rain and I wouldn't care.”

Sebastian pouted.

“It would spoil our trip.”

Mark smiled.

“I guess, though I don't suppose the dogs would mind.”

“No probably not.” Seb glanced over to the window. “I think it might be sunny.”

“Good stuff.”

“I thought if we leave at ten?”

“Sure.”

“We've got things in to take a picnic.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“When did we...?” He stopped and laughed again as he guessed. “Pauline.”

Sebastian smiled slightly guiltily.

“I ordered it online and she said she didn't mind taking it in yesterday.”

Mark shook his head.

“We don't pay that woman enough.”

“She offered to go get it herself.”

“Mm.”

“She doesn't mind Liebling. She was coming to walk the dogs anyway.”

“I know. That's good, we're all set then.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took in a nice deep breath and let it out slowly.

“We'll have a nice day today and not think about anything else,” asserted Mark.

“Yeah.”

 

Seb moved his hand over Mark's chest under the duvet and Mark gave him another smile. Sebastian smiled back and they went back to just looking at one another. Neither of them wanted to think about the fact that they had a mere forty-eight hours at home before they had to set off again. With all that returning to Monza would entail they had agreed that they needed time to adjust and do what they needed to do without feeling as though Seb was being dropped straight into work with the team and facing the media when that was going to be hard enough, so they would get there earlyish on the Wednesday rather than leaving it as late on the Thursday as they tended to these days preferring to get more time at home.

Mark lifted his hand and softly ghosted over Sebastian's round cheek. He looked happy and Mark had been entirely truthful when he had said that was all he needed to be happy himself. He didn't want to think about where they would be in a few days time. All Mark wanted to think about was how grateful he was to have Seb here with him. He didn't know how Seb was going to cope with going back to the scene of his accident. Mark knew even less how he was going to cope himself.

Mark had tried to explain to Seb that birthday presents really didn't matter to him. He didn't need something bought to be shown how much Seb loved him. It wasn't about that. Mark stroked over his cheek once more thinking how he already had the most precious gift imaginable. He had Seb. He'd been given him back and Mark knew there was no way he could ever undervalue that. Mark closed his eyes for a second and shut out worries about how they would get through returning to Monza. If he had learned anything in the past year it had to be to live in the moment and be grateful for the happiness they had.

  
  


Sebastian wasn't thinking about a year ago. He was thinking about three years ago. He was thinking of a time when it had felt as though his life was spiralling down the drain and he had been in real danger of giving up trying to swim in the opposite direction. And now he had this. He had Mark. Mark's hand touching him so tenderly and that smile in his eyes. Sebastian still thought it was a miracle that this was what he got. This was his life now. Life had surprised him more than he could ever have imagined. Maybe it would again yet?

Mark smiled again and Sebastian watched the familiar way lines formed as he did so. Mark never seemed entirely convinced when Seb assured him he didn't care about such things as wrinkles. Mark was no less perfect for them in Seb's eyes. There was stubble on his jaw, dark after not shaving for a couple of days. Sebastian smiled to himself thinking how he had a terrible urge just to lean across and lick it. He liked the rough feeling on his tongue and it always made Mark laugh. That throaty chuckle that seemed to reach down all the way to Seb's navel.

“What?”

Sebastian scrunched his face and shook his head.

“What?” teased Mark again, this time adding a tickle of Seb's side.

Seb giggled and flinched away from the tickling hand to accidentally-on-purpose press tighter into Mark. Their noses brushed and Seb bit his lip before leaning in to kiss Mark, first on the lips, then his jaw. Then Sebastian threw caution to the wind and did as he had wanted to and licked over the stubble there making Mark laugh just as he had anticipated. As he pulled back it was to see that Mark was grinning at him.

“Cheeky,” teased Mark, looking not in the least displeased Seb had just done that.

Sebastian beamed and Mark was distracted by how cute he looked when he did that. Deciding two could play at that game he kissed one of those nice round cheeks and then used the moment to roll Seb onto his back to kiss him in earnest. Seb kissed him him in reply, then grinned and rolled Mark back to take his turn before they ran totally out of air and fell apart back onto the mattress laughing even as their chests heaved. Sebastian sighed and tipped his head back on the pillow before turning to Mark again.

“Happy birthday Liebling.”

“You said that already,” laughed Mark. “More than once in fact.”

“Well I like saying it.”

“Okay.”

Seb sighed again and looked at him.

“I should at least have given you a proper present to unwrap.”

“We discussed this.”

“Yeah I know but...”

“And I do have something to unwrap,” asserted Mark, not wanting them to have to run through the same discussion again.

“Oh.”

“Mmm.”

Mark raised an eyebrow and slowly lifted the duvet away to reveal a naked Seb.

“Oh my,” grinned Mark. “Look at my lovely present.”

“I thought I was meant to be giving out the treats?” commented Seb.

“This is a treat, believe me sweetheart,” Mark assured.

Sebastian giggled then tried to lie as still as possible as Mark dipped in to kiss his stomach.

“That tickles.”

“Good.”

Mark leaned down to kiss Sebastian's stomach again and laughed as he felt it move with Seb's laughter. He decided to go with it and continued before kissing all the way up Sebastian's chest, up his neck and jaw until he finally reached his mouth. Mark shifted to lie over him and smiled down at Seb.

“I believe I was here.”

“I believe you were,” agreed Seb.

Mark flicked up his eyebrows then kissed Seb on the mouth again before returning to work at his neck, knowing how Sebastian liked that and how delightfully he responded to his touch.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes to allow himself to concentrate on how wonderful it felt when Mark did that. His heartrate instantly shot up and Seb could feel his stomach muscles tensing as he tried not to get too carried away too soon. Without thinking he tipped his chin up to give Mark more access to his neck and Mark obliged by kissing further up along from his pulse that was already jumping to his jaw and then back to hungry lips that were waiting to meet his. Seb opened his eyes to look at Mark and they lost themselves to each other, hardly any conscious thought going into it as Sebastian found a way to be on top again, the duvet slipping to the floor unnoticed.

They moved against one another, a natural rhythm already building as hands wandered lower. Seb let out a breathy gasp as Mark's hand stroked along his thigh, slipping inwards and drawing an even higher gasp as Mark looked into Seb's eyes as he deliberately brushed higher. Sebastian bit his lip and Mark did it again causing Seb to bite harder.

“Oh, gott,” let out Seb.

“Mm,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian moved to properly straddle him and leaned over to kiss Mark before sitting up and reaching to open the drawer in the bedside cabinet. As he did so Mark sat with him and took the chance to prop the pillows behind him. Sebastian moved back to face him, dumping the bottle of lube down on the bed.

“Like this?” checked Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Mark put his hands back at Seb's waist and spent a little time kissing him more slowly, fitting their noses alongside to do all they could to continue breathing. When they broke to take a proper deep breath Mark picked up the bottle of lube and began to work touching Seb, cautiously at first, then with more confidence as Sebastian began to respond. Soon Seb's arms were wrapped around Mark's neck, his body pressed in as Mark reached deeper inside him and sent Seb's gasps higher and higher, his hips already moving in time.

“Oh!”

Sebastian's eyes shot wide open as Mark touched him in just the right spot and Mark smiled, thinking Seb could have no idea what those little noises did to him.

“That good darling?”

“Yeah, oh, yeah good,” managed Seb breathily.

“Good.”

Mark repeated the action a few more times until Sebastian thought he could take no more and bit his lip hard to try to control himself. As he released his lip Mark looked into his eyes and Seb could see a streak of wickedness there as Mark kept his gaze locked on Seb's and leaned a little more into him and bit his lower lip for him at the same time as moving his hand. Sebastian closed his eyes and felt helpless as Mark pulled him tighter against him and swallowed the following gasp by kissing him harder. It took a moment before Seb could go with the kiss but then he relaxed a fraction and pressed his forehead into Mark's.

 

Mark kissed him again more softly then lifted away, both their hearts pounding, sending the blood all south.

“You okay?” he checked.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, just lift up a little darling,” Mark requested.

Sebastian put his hands onto Mark's shoulders and did as he was asked, kneeling higher before slowly lowering down with Mark's help, neither taking their eyes off the other as Mark pushed insistently inside him. Sebastian's chest was working hard, though he hardly knew how to breathe in these moments. Mark's hands went back to his waist and they stilled in place.

“Jesus, you feel so good, so good darling,” praised Mark.

Seb didn't think he could speak so he merely nodded. Mark smiled and gave him a gentle kiss, telling him without words that he should take his own time to adjust and show him he was ready, Seb slowly beginning to roll his hips before building up to use his thighs to push up, anchoring himself by holding onto Mark who in turn used his hold on Seb to keep them moving, his hips going up to meet him as the pace increased. They kept the rhythm going for as long as they could before restraint slipped away and they started to go faster, their chests working ever hard to keep the oxygen flowing to hearts pounding beneath.

They both knew there was only so long they could keep this going before one then the other came and Seb dropped into Mark fighting for air. He was grateful as Mark's arms went around him to hold him in. Sebastian had closed his eyes as the room span around him and if had thought anything at all in that moment it would be that he needed Mark to hold him up in case he fell. Mark felt the way Seb's body had gone limp. He felt pretty worn out himself so he leant them back against the pillows, Seb staying into him, his arms back around Mark's neck.

Damp foreheads pressed in together and heavy breaths mixed, but they weren't ready to move yet, neither one of them. Little aftershocks ran through each of them and whatever strength Sebastian had he put into hanging on to Mark, feeling at his most vulnerable in these moments and needing to remain as close as possible to him. Mark knew not to rush Seb, just to let him take the time he needed and Mark had no desire to end this closeness either. He merely wrapped his arms around him and let them breathe alongside.

  
  


  
  


It took a little time before Sebastian let out a breath that was more like a sigh and Mark kissed him to get Seb to respond and open his eyes.

“Hey,” tried Mark.

“Hmm.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and kissed him again. Seb sounded so dazed and he couldn't help taking that as a compliment.

“You alright there sweetheart?”

“Mm.”

“Okay, just... let's just get a little more comfortable darling.”

“'kay.”

“Good.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and helped Mark as he lifted up, letting out another sigh at the loss of him. He closed his eyes a second then pressed back into him, tightening his grip around Mark's neck as he lay them back.

“You alright?” Mark asked again.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Seb buried his face into the crook of Mark's neck and Mark gently stroked over his back as they both slowly let themselves come down. Keeping his arms around him to make sure Seb knew he was still there for him and they were still together. Mark rested his cheek into Sebastian's hair and as his brain started functioning again he kept close hold of Seb, thinking he didn't know how he ever let go of him.

He felt Seb take in a deep breath and lifted his head slightly away to see Seb looking at him. Mark gave him a smile and a little kiss hello. Mark stroked down Sebastian's side as he looked back at him.

“Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling.”

“Good.”

“Happy birthday.”

Mark burst out laughing and Seb ended up laughing with him.

“I'll say,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian just smiled back, but Mark could see light in his eyes that made him happier than he could say.

“Tell you what darling why don't we just have a little rest then we'll get up, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

They rearranged themselves to lie down properly in bed and dozed for half an hour, the duvet rescued from the floor to cover them. Sebastian didn't think he properly fell asleep, but as the alarm went off on his phone he jerked upwards from where he lay curled into Mark's chest and blinked rapidly while blearily trying to reach for his phone. As he succeeded Sebastian put the phone back down and turned back to see Mark sat up beside him. Mark took in a deep breath and smiled as Seb reached up to stretch through a yawn.

“Shower?” proposed Mark.

“Yeah. Cold one I think.”

“Cold?”

“Well, cool anyway. I need waking up,” asserted Seb.

“Sure. Right you are then.”

“I promised you breakfast in bed,” noted Sebastian.

“So you did. Hmm...”

“We could have a shower then I'll go sort it out and bring it up.”

“If you like sweetheart.”

“Bring the boys up with me so they can say happy birthday too?”

Mark huffed a laugh and gave Seb a kiss.

“Sounds lovely darling. Thank you. You always put the Vegemite on my toast just the way I like it,” he praised.

Sebastian smiled, looking so pleased at the compliment that Mark wanted to pinch his cheek at how cute he was. Such tiny things made Seb so happy and Mark didn't think he could ever fully explain how happy it made him to be able to make him smile like that. It was the best birthday present. Well, almost the best...

  
  


  
  


  
  


 

  
  


Even taking their time over breakfast and packing a bag with all they needed for a picnic and things for the dogs, it was still before ten am when they piled the dogs into the back of the car and set off. Seeing as Sebastian had made the plans, he was driving, following instructions from the satnav as Mark found them music to listen to. There were a few clouds around but as they headed further east the sky grew ever bluer. As they pulled off the motorway onto the A-roads Sebastian turned to Mark.

“I think we're going to be lucky.”

“I'm already feeling pretty lucky sweetheart.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah okay. Thanks. I think we just stay on this road, scootch past Chelmsford and keep on going.”

“We'll stop when we get to the sea, right?” teased Mark.

Sebastian stuck his tongue out and Mark laughed.

“Scootch?” he grinned.

“Shush, that's a technical term,” Seb argued.

“I'm sure it is,” agreed Mark. “I've no doubt the little man trapped in the satnav will give that instruction shortly.”

“Little man?”

“Yeah. That's how it works right?” shrugged Mark.

“Sure Liebling.”

Mark gave him a wink and casually placed his hand on Seb's thigh as he drove. Seb took in a breath and glanced sideways again.

“Don't send that any higher or I'll crash the car.”

“Good advice. Don't worry, I'll behave.”

“Good.”

“You're in charge darling. I have faith we'll get there safely.”

“Mm.”

“You do know where we're going?”

“Kindof.”

“Right.”

“I think the little man knows.”

“Ah well that is reassuring.”

“Mm.”

“He's not coming to the beach with us.”

“No,” agreed Seb with a smile. “Just us Liebling.”

“And the boys.”

“And the boys.”

Sebastian glanced into the rear-view mirror to see the dogs lying down on the blanket in the rear of the car, seeming happy enough despite the fact they had no idea where they were going. Seb wasn't sure he knew an awful lot more than them.

  
  


  
  


All Seb could really do was trust the satnav and keep following its instructions. The A-roads got narrower and once they passed the last major town they were back out into countryside again.

“I've never been to Essex before,” remarked Seb. “It's not what I might have expected.”

“What did you expect?”

“I don't know. Not this. It's nice.”

“Yeah, out here is,” agreed Mark. “I don't know that I've been here either.”

“I guess I thought it'd be more built up,” Sebastian admitted.

“Mm, how far to go now?” Mark asked, leaning in to read the satnav.

Sebastian chose not to say Mark could see as well as he could.

“About half an hour.”

“Righto.”

  
  


Soon even the A-roads ran out and they were driving along country lanes, passing through ever smaller villages that really did look as though they belonged on a chocolate box. They opened the windows and let the breeze blow in as they went along. Eventually they got to the village that was shown as the last dot on the satnav map and Sebastian slowed to the prescribed twenty miles an hour.

“This is pretty,” pronounced Seb.

“Yeah.”

They drove past a squat old church by a village green, a small post-office come village store and a pub that looked nearly as old as the church.

“Ah, we've not entirely left civilisation,” joked Mark.

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“You sure you don't just want to go to the pub not the beach?”

“No I want to go to the beach,” assured Mark.

“Good. I think these guys would be disappointed otherwise.”

“Yeah, mind that looks like the kind of place you can actually take dogs in,” Mark noted.

“Maybe later Liebling?”

“Sure. Okay where are we going from here?”

 

They crawled out the other side of the village, down a lane that went past houses that grew ever more spread out. Picturesque weather-boarded cottages painted white, peeling slightly at the edges with age and repeated winter storms of salt winds, washing pegged out in the garden fluttering as they went by. The lane narrowed and the houses ran out leaving only fields either side bound by low hedgerows showing crops already harvested at the end of summer. Above them the blue sky seemed to open up wider and bluer with nothing else around.

“You were right about it being remote,” commented Mark. “We are going the right way aren't we?”

“Hope so. Doesn't seem like there's anywhere else to actually go,” Seb noted.

“Mm, good point.”

The single track lane was barely wider than their car and both of them thought that there was a better than outside chance they would either find themselves at a dead end or driving straight into a farmyard and have to attempt a u-turn and admit defeat. Before long the hedgerows fell away and the fields were replaced by open vistas of tufty marshland that Mark observed they would be ill-advised to wander into if they ever wanted to get out again.

 

 

Before too long the lane actually did peter out effectively into a dead end. It widened out with room to park, though no spaces were marked out and no one else was parked there. Blown sand piled at the edges of the tarmac and the marshland seemed to dry up as the land rose up slightly ahead where it became dunes tufted with tall Marram grass. There was a gap though and what looked like something approaching a footpath, so they climbed out of the car.

“Is this it?” asked Mark.

Sebastian frowned.

“I think so. It's okay isn't?”

“I'm sure we're fine. Where there's sand dunes there tends to be a beach.”

“Yeah, hope so. I guess it did say the middle of nowhere,” admitted Seb.

Mark smiled.

“They got that right. It's good, who wants other people around?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” pronounced Mark, opening up the boot of the car to let the dogs jump out.

Sebastian picked up one of the bottles of water from the boot and opened the bag to find one of the plastic bowls they had brought to fill it so the dogs could have a drink.

“Bit of a breeze,” he observed.

“Mm, well it's sunny, might be too hot otherwise,” replied Mark.

Seb laughed and raised an eyebrow.

“Too hot? For you?”

“Not for me, for these boys.”

“Ah, yeah.”

Mark gave the dogs a rub as they quenched their thirst from the car ride and looked around them.

“I can smell salt in the air. The sea can't be too far off,” Mark declared.

Seb sniffed the air. He wasn't sure he could smell the sea, but the air was definitely clean and fresh. Once the dogs had drunk their fill he found a tissue to give the bowl a quick dry and they checked they had all they needed in the backpack before setting off. Mark clipped the leads on the dogs just in case and they set off walking on the sand, heading up the dunes. The dry sand shifted beneath their feet with each step that they took and they held onto both each other and the dogs' leads to stop them running off into the unknown.

  
  


 

 

They trudged along for nearly half a mile up and down across the dunes, only really knowing where to go because there was something approximating a path going straight-forward that was plain sand between the large tufts of tall Marram grasses. Mark was about to make a joke about Lawrence of Arabia wandering lost in the desert when all of a sudden they crested the top and his breath was taken away by the sight revealed before them: Beyond where the dunes dropped steeply down, a vast horizon opened up revealing a wide, flat beach with the sea far out eastwards, leading in a broad convex curve to the south and to the north mudflats were visible where the sea met the estuary cutting inland.

“Wow!” exclaimed Mark.

Sebastian beamed, feeling pleased with himself. Mark shook his head as he looked to Seb.

“Crikey, how did you discover this?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It said hidden beaches, you know online.”

“Yeah.”

“I mean it really was hidden wasn't it?”

“I'll say,” agreed Mark. “Good job darling.”

Sebastian couldn't stop smiling and Mark chuckled a laugh at how chuffed he looked. Seb pointed to the mudflats to the north.

“Over that way is a nature reserve I think. I checked and it said no dogs, so we'd better not let them run too far that way.”

Mark nodded.

“Must be at least a mile or so off.”

“Yeah.”

“So we're fine here?”

“Yeah I checked.”

“Good stuff.” Mark looked down at the dogs. “Hear that boys, you're allowed to play here.”

Sebastian looked around to see if there were any other occupants of the beach in case there were any children they might need to keep the dogs away from, but there wasn't a soul about. The only living things they could see were the gulls sweeping on the breeze. To the north he could vaguely make out what might be more birds, but other than that they were quite alone.

“Let's head down,” suggested Mark.

 

Seb nodded and they made their way down the dune, taking care not to slip when the sand went from under them. The dogs had no problem, they only wanted to rush ahead, but they kept them on the leads until they reached the flatter beach itself. Then they unclipped them and stood back as Shadow and Simba bounded off excitedly, chasing one another around and barking loudly.

“I think they approve,” smiled Seb.

“Certainly do. This is great sweetheart. I mean really, a beach like this all to ourselves on a bank holiday?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Guess you have to make the effort.”

“Which you certainly did.”

“No I meant to get here, walking a fair bit too. People are lazy.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Yep, well I feel my calves got a good workout on those dunes.”

“Mm, you know it's meant to be great for you to run on sand dunes.”

“You go run on them if you want to.”

Sebastian batted at his arm.

“Daft. I meant if say you lived by the beach.”

“Yeah I know. Be nice to live here.”

“In summer. I think it might get a bit bleak in winter.”

“Mm, perhaps.”

  
  


Mark whistled to the dogs to come a bit closer and he and Sebastian began walking along, arm in arm. The warm sun was balanced out by the breeze, but it felt okay to be dressed in long shorts and t-shirts. They had hoodies squeezed into the backpack, but they didn't need them for now. Seb was actually wondering whether he shouldn't have brought a cap as well as his sunglasses but when he commented on it Mark merely joked that his hair getting ruffled by the wind made it look like he had quite a quiff. Seb pouted and Mark wanted to say he thought it looked cute, but instead he kissed the pout away and pointed at the tide-line approximately twenty feet away where there was a quite visible marker of strewn seaweed and broken shale uneven laid all down the beach.

“That where the water comes up to then you reckon?”

“Guess so,” concurred Seb. “It's okay though, high-tide isn't until nearly six o'clock.”

“Seriously sweetheart, how did you fit in all this research?”

“It's just online. It's not difficult.”

“No, okay, well you did a good job,” praised Mark.

He looked out at the sea which was a fair way off, then checked his watch.

“So we're at low tide now?”

“Pretty much,” agreed Seb. “Midday, so nearly.”

“Righto.”

“I think seeing as the beach is so flat it'll come in pretty fast.”

“So we'd better high-tail it off here before six,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. That gives us plenty of time though.”

“It does. Plenty of time.”

“Are you hungry?” Seb enquired.

“Not yet. You?”

“No I'm good. We'll have to keep an eye out for where we want to have our picnic.”

Mark laughed as he looked around them.

“Yeah, hmm, there must be somewhere round here...”

Seb pulled a face, then put his spare hand forward and moved it as if making a wedge and forcing a crowd out of the way.

“Yep we'll just fight through all these people.”

Mark laughed again and leaned into him.

“Absolutely. Hey, boys.”

 

Mark picked up a piece of driftwood and lobbed it into the distance for the dogs to dash off after. They ran back with it a minute later looking even more pleased with themselves than Seb as they skidded to a halt in front of them, Simba offering up the prize for him to throw again.

“I think they're in seventh heaven,” commented Seb.

Mark smiled.

“Me too sweetheart, this is perfect.”

“Yeah.”

  
  


 

They walked along, occasionally throwing the stick for the dogs, contentedly not needing more than this. After a while they walked further down the beach towards the sea. It seemed there was a slight dip where a shallow tributary of water ran and as they followed it they found some clay rock pools and spent some time peering in to see what life they could find in it.

“Ooh crab!” pointed Seb, trying not to fall in after it as the tiny creature scuttled away.

Mark laughed and would have teased him for being a big kid, but Seb looked so happy he hadn't the heart.

“Yeah mate. Don't think we'd get very far barbecuing it.”

Seb looked up.

“You barbecue crab?”

Mark shrugged.

“I reckon we barbecue anything we can get to sit still long enough to cook it.”

“Aw poor things. Run away, quick!”

Mark shook his head.

“That's just a tiddler sweetheart. You should see the size we get in Oz.”

“Mm. We didn't really have beaches to go to growing up in Heppenheim,” pointed out Seb.

“Yeah, fair way from Queenbeyan too, but they were nice when we got there.”

“Not much like this I'm guessing,” posited Sebastian.

“No, but this is good. I like it.”

“Yeah me too.”

The dogs were leaning in, sniffing into the water and Mark had to push them back a little to stop them falling in. The water wasn't more than a foot deep, but Mark wasn't entirely sure what was lurking in there.

“Stay back boys, I'm not sure you want to go wading in seaweed.”

Sebastian turned and gave them a rub as the dogs pushed in between them.

“Oh hey look, a starfish,” pointed out Mark as he spotted one attached to the side of the pool.

“Oh yeah, cool.”

 

They looked into the water-pool for another couple of minutes, but the dogs were getting impatient so Sebastian stood up from where he knelt.

“Why don't we walk over to the sea so they can have a paddle?”

“Sure.”

Mark stood with him and they walked diagonally across the flat sand towards the water's edge. The sand here was slightly damper and tiny ripples ran across it just like little waves which of course was how they were formed.

“You could have a good cricket match on here,” observed Mark.

Sebastian laughed.

“You wouldn't want to hit a six in the wrong direction.”

“Ha, I got you,” smiled Mark.

“What?”

“You know what a six is. I must be educating you at last.”

Seb gave him a look.

“You're not even that bothered about cricket,” he pointed out.

“Meh, maybe. I think it's more fun to play than watch.”

“Yeah well if we have your family over again maybe we could bring them here?” suggested Seb.

“Could do. Anyway, you're right, hit it in that direction and we'd be swimming instead of fielding.”

“Unless we could train the dogs to do it?”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“They'd probably just splash around, bring a stick back over and look sad if you didn't tell them well done.”

“Yeah probably,” agreed Seb.

 

They got to the brink of the sea where the shallow water gently flowed in and out. Just as Mark had predicted the dogs were thrilled and ran in barking and leaping around, making as much noise and splashing as much water around as possible. Mark threw the stick and the dogs had a little swim about, bring it back and forth until he threw it too far and the stick was swept out from whence it came and Seb had to find a new one for them to chuck about, taking more care now not to throw it in too deep.

“You don't fancy going in?” asked Mark.

Sebastian ducked down to trail his hand in the water.

“Bit cold.”

“Not like on holiday then?”

“No, certainly not that,” smiled Seb as he stood back up. “Maybe have a paddle later if it's still warm.”

“Sure.”

At that the dogs ran up and shook their fur causing Seb and Mark to jump out of the way.

“Oh god, thanks for that,” complained Mark. “No, no I'm not stroking you right now, urgh go on with you.”

Sebastian looked at their water sprayed clothes and shook his head.

“It'll dry.”

“Sure.”

  
  


They walked on along the water's edge, Mark wagging his finger at the dogs if they looked like trying to repeat the same trick. They were heading in the opposite direction to the nature reserve and though they covered at least a mile or so they didn't pass a single soul. Mark leaned a little into Seb as they walked along.

“You reckon if we get all the way down and round the bend we'll find the place where all the people are?”

Sebastian smiled.

“I dunno, maybe Liebling. I'm sure there's a proper resort of some kind along the coast. I only really looked at this bit.”

“Ah well that's fine. If we get to a busier bit we'll just turn around.”

“Sure.”

“I suspect this place might not hold the same attractions for others as it does us,” noted Mark.

“Mm, I guess. I think this is perfect.”

“No ice-creams.”

“I don't care about ice-cream.”

“Me either.”

Sebastian sighed and leaned his head down onto Mark's shoulder and Mark fitted his arm around him as the walked along, the dogs left to amuse themselves for a while. After another half a mile or so the beach became shingly and stretches of clay-like mud reached inwards, so they turned around and began walking back up the way they'd come.

 

Sebastian looked out eastwards wondering how far they could see from here. Mark looked where he was.

“Whatcha see?” he enquired.

“Not much,” admitted Seb. “Sea mostly. I suppose it's a long way off.”

“What is?”

“Europe.”

“Oh,” laughed Mark, “yeah, a fair distance.”

He peered out and frowned.

“What would be that way do you reckon? France?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Belgium I think, maybe Holland. More south to France.”

“Right.”

“You know thousands of years ago you could walk right across here.”

“Really?”

“Mm, I mean a very long time ago,” conceded Seb.

“Quite a few thousand years then?”

“Yeah.”

“A few more before that it'd just be connected though right?” noted Mark.

“Yeah true, though we're talking ice ages back.”

“Mm, just us and the neanderthals then.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, guess so Liebling. Sometimes places like this they find footprints.”

“From thousands of years ago?”

“Yeah like in those clay-y bits, tens of thousands of years old and the sea erodes a bit and they're exposed for a while.”

“And then they're gone again?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I'm not sure what that says, though I'm sure it's something about life,” offered Mark.

Sebastian smiled at him.

“Like what?”

“I dunno, here and gone.”

“Or leaving an impression?” offered Seb.

“Ah now I like that better,” smiled Mark.

They paused and looked out.

“Make life a bit easier maybe if we could just walk to Europe to see your folks,” suggested Mark.

“Long walk.”

“There is that,” Mark agreed dryly. “Drive then.”

“Yeah.”

  
  


The walked further along, finding the wind picking up slightly making them think how exposed this place must be when the weather wasn't as warm as this.

“You hungry yet?” Seb.

“Mm, could be,” agreed Mark, guessing Seb might be and that was why he was asking. “Why don't we find a spot in the dunes, have a bit of shelter?”

“Yeah 'kay.”

They called the dogs over from where they were investigating a bigger piece of driftwood washed up onto the beach and turned inland, climbing up the banked sand dune to find a nice clear dip with tall grasses shielding them from the wind which whirled dry sand around in the more open parts. Some sand was still picked up where they were, but it was definitely better tucked here. Mark set the backpack down and pulled out the blanket they had brought to spread it on the sand for them to sit on. The dogs preferred the warm sand, but they too settled down, seeming much calmer now as their masters sorted them out first, pouring more water into a bowl and doling out packets of dog food for them to tuck into. That done they set about arranging their own little picnic, setting out the food in the centre to pick at while drinking from more water bottles.

“The bag'll certainly be lighter now,” commented Mark.

Seb gave him a look.

“I offered to take it.”

“I know. It's fine. You can have it after for a bit.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes at Mark allowing that only now the bag would be half the weight. He knew for all he said otherwise, Mark still saw him as weaker physically. He said nothing though, instead reaching for a cherry tomato to eat, deciding it wasn't worth arguing over, especially on Mark's birthday outing.

They sat and chatted about nothing in particular, commenting on the weather and how hot the sun felt where they were sheltered here. As they finished up eating they cleared away and seeing as Shadow and Simba seemed happy enough having a little nap, Seb pulled out the hoodies from the bag and rolled them up to make pillows for them to rest on. Seb took his trainers off and Mark did the same restraining himself from teasing Sebastian about the little below-ankle socks he wore with them which he also removed. Then they stretched out on the blanket. Mark let out a long sigh and wiggled his toes, feeling glad to have fresh air on his feet.

“This is nice,” he commented.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian. “You're having a nice birthday then?”

Mark turned onto his side to look at him.

“I'm having a lovely birthday darling, thank you.”

“Good.”

Sebastian smiled and Mark huffed a little laugh before sliding his arm under Seb and pulling him closer.

“A very nice birthday,” he emphasised before leaning in to kiss him.

Sebastian made a little happy noise as they parted which made Mark smile.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“Nothing. I'm just happy that's all sweetheart.”

“Okay.”

They settled in together, kissing for a while longer before Sebastian set his head just by Mark's shoulder, his arm wrapped around Mark's middle. He let out another happy sounding sigh and Mark smiled to himself thinking how much he enjoyed it when Seb made those kind of noises without seeming to realise he did it. Mark wasn't about to comment on it and make Seb paranoid as no doubt he would then try to stop himself and Mark thought they were far too cute to lose them. Besides, for all he knew he might make similar sounds and then they'd both wind up paranoid. He let out a slow breath and gazed up at the fluffy clouds scudding across the blue sky above them.

  
  


It was pleasantly warm in their little hideaway and with full stomachs the atmosphere was so peaceful and comfy as to be soporific. Mark was sure Seb had dozed off, so he closed his own eyes and allowed himself to drift for a while. All he could hear was the gentle sound of Seb breathing steadily, the rustle of the grasses in the breeze and the waves a little way off, faintly crashing in on themselves, fading to almost nothing long before the water ebbed up the shallows of the beach. Peaceful repetitive sounds that were like white noise in the background, they acted like a lullaby and soon Mark was asleep just as Sebastian was.

Neither of them realised how long had passed before Sebastian stirred and lifted his head from where it had shifted lower to Mark's chest and sat up. He took in a deep breath and rubbed his face as Mark blinked his eyes open.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” replied Mark.

“I think I fell asleep there,” admitted Seb.

“Yeah.”

Mark pushed himself to sit up and Seb shook his head at the teasing smile there.

“You fell asleep too,” he accused.

“That's your trick.”

“Nooo, you definitely fell asleep.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and shook his head so Sebastian reached in and tickled his side.

“Ah, ahh! No okay okay, yes I confess I dropped off too! Argh no stop,” pleaded Mark as he tried to wriggle out of the way.

 

Sebastian just laughed and went as if he was going to tickle him again only for Mark to grab him and tickle Seb back until they fell back in a heap on the rug. Sebastian was on top and Mark was about to tickle him again, but the position they were in and the way Seb was smiling at him told Mark to change tack and instead he fitted his arms around Seb's back and pulled him in to kiss him again. As they pulled apart Seb made the happy little noise again then folded his arms on Mark's chest and set his chin down there to smile at him.

“This is nice isn't it?” commented Seb.

Mark let go of him with one hand to get Seb's hoody to add it to his so his head was raised up a fraction more so he could look at Seb properly.

“Very nice darling,” Mark agreed.

“It's like we're in our own little world.”

“I think we're certainly at the end of the world.”

“I like it,” insisted Sebastian.

“Me too.”

“Okay.”

“Very much in fact,” Mark continued. “Particularly the fact there's no one around to see us.”

“Except Shadow and Simba.”

“Meh, they already know what we're like. I think they're over it by now.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian turned his head to look at the dogs who were apparently snoozing, just as they had been recently.

“Poor things,” sympathised Seb.

“I don't think they care.”

“Maybe not.”

Mark slipped his hands under Seb's t-shirt to splay his fingers over Sebastian's skin. It felt warm to the touch.

“You'll be going pink in this sun sweetheart,” comment Mark.

“I put sunscreen on earlier.”

“You might want to top it up.”

“Is my nose pink?”

Mark smiled and peered up to examine Seb.

“Hmm, a bit.”

“There's a bottle of sunscreen at the bottom of the bag.”

“Good planning.”

“I'll do it when we move.”

“Mmm, not sure I want to move.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“Why doesn't this surprise me,” he challenged.

Mark raised his eyebrows back.

“I'm just comfortable here.”

“Even with me squashing you?”

“You're not squashing me,” Mark assured him.

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian settled back down into him.

“You know I can only imagine what this would look like.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Are you expecting a scout troop to walk over the dunes and appear on that ridge?”

Seb couldn't help but look over and Mark laughed again.

“Made you look,” he teased.

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at him.

“Rotter.”

“I am rotten,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian hmm'd then shook his head.

“No you're not.”

“Thanks.”

 

Sebastian moved his arms and lowered further down to set the side of his face against the top of Mark's chest instead.

“I don't think you're rotten Liebling.”

Mark laughed and tried to tip his had around to see Seb.

“I know sweetheart. We're only playing.”

“Yeah.”

Mark stroked his hand over Seb's arm, hearing something else in his voice.

“We're just playing darling,” he repeated.

“I know,” sighed Sebastian. “I just want you to know how much I love you Liebling.”

“I do know that sweetheart. I love you too.”

Sebastian angled his head up as Mark looked at him and gave him a smile.

“I want you to know how much I appreciate all you do for me,” asserted Seb.

“I know that sweetheart.”

“And next weekend...”

Mark shook his head and smoothed over Seb's arm.

“We don't need to think about that yet,” he asserted.

“Okay.”

“I just want to appreciate this.”

“It is nice here,” agreed Sebastian.

“Yeah but not just that, being with you like this and all you've done to make today perfect, all your research and plans.”

“You don't think it's silly?”

“Silly? No darling course not.”

“Fretting about tides and rules about dogs.”

“Darling you're very thorough. It's who you are and it's who I love and apart from the fact it shows how much you cared about making today nice, it's very sensible to make sure we don't get washed away and that we can bring the dogs. Think how sad the poor boys would be if they weren't allowed to join in.”

 

Sebastian let out a long sigh, then turned his head and kissed Mark's chest through his t-shirt.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“No darling thank you. This is my perfect birthday.”

“Okay.”

“Good.”

 

Mark reached to kiss Seb's forehead and they settled for a while longer until a few clouds gathered and it felt a little cooler. The dogs woke up and started snuffling around them so Mark and Sebastian sat and gave them a rub. They poured them out some more water, then decided to clear up and move on. While Mark folded away the rug to put it back in the bag Seb rubbed in some more sunscreen into his skin. Mark took it from him and put a dot onto his fore-finger before stroking it down Seb's nose making him smile.

“You ready?” checked Mark as Sebastian rubbed the sunscreen in properly.

“Yep.”

Mark glanced upwards to see that the clouds had blown away and dug into the bag to find the tennis ball he had put in.

“Hey boys, you wanna play?”

He held the ball in front of them and the dogs immediately started jumping up and barking happily.

“I think that's a yes Liebling.”

“Yep me too.”

Mark went to pick up the backpack but Seb gave him a look and took it himself. Mark shrugged and they walked back towards the beach, half sliding down the loose sand at the edge of the dune before reaching the firmer sand below.

“Tide's come in quite a bit,” observed Mark.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked at his watch.

“Gone three,” he reported.

“Really?”

Mark looked at his own watch.

“Wow, yeah I hadn't realised. Well time flies when you're having fun.”

“Or asleep,” noted Seb.

“Or that, yeah. Good job you checked the tide times. Six o'clock, right?”

“Bit before then, eight minutes to.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Very precise darling, well we've got plenty of time yet.” He looked up along the beach and frowned. “Where did we come in?”

“Bit further up.”

“Yeah but where? Are we gonna be wandering like a lost tribe in the wilderness until it gets dark?”

“There's a post.”

“A post?” frowned Mark.

“A wooden post. At the edge of the dunes where there was the path. Didn't you notice it?”

“No. Good job you did though. I'm not sure I've got signal here for my phone.”

 

Mark pulled out his mobile phone from his pocket and looked at to see if there were any bars of signal this far away from civilisation.

“Were you planning on calling the coastguard?” asked Sebastian.

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“I thinking more the satnav maps app.”

“Oh.”

“Though with no signal that won't work either, so it's a good job one of us has our wits about them.”

Sebastian shrugged and Mark had an idea.

“Let's take a picture,” he suggested.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark switched his phone to the camera function and put his arm around Seb, turning so the sea was in the background. The dogs were at their feet waiting for Mark to throw the ball he had promised to and was currently shoved into his spare pocket, so they dipped down and each pulled a dog in against them to take another shot. Mark showed Seb the pictures and they both smiled again to see how sunny they looked.

“Have to print them up,” suggested Seb.

“Good idea. There you go, that can be your present to me.”

“Hmm.”

“Then we can remember today.”

“Okay, if that's what you want as your present.”

“That's what I want. And this. Oh and those tickets you promised. See I'm quite spoiled.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek before standing up and retrieving the tennis ball from his deep shorts pocket.

“Right, that's all sorted then. Okay boys, fetch!”

 

Mark threw the ball into the distance and the dogs hared off before racing back to play the game over again. Sebastian set the bag down and they ran around with the dogs, taking it in turns to throw the ball. Neither Seb nor Mark had bothered to put their trainers back on and had instead put them into the backpack. It felt nice to run around on the sand as long as they avoided any random pebbles or washed up detritus, both of them trying to keep an eye out to be sure there was nothing dangerous such as broken glass poking out that they might tread on.

As the sea was closer in now they wandered over to it and Seb dared walking a little into the water, letting out a gasp as the low surf washed over his feet as high as his ankles and he dashed out again, much to Mark's amusement.

“Cold?” grinned Mark.

“Freezing! Oh my god, it's meant to be summer.”

Mark laughed at the way Seb was jumping around to try to warm his feet back up.

“Mm, North Sea not the Caribbean.”

“Yeah you try it?”

“Ah hah, noo.”

“No go on.”

Mark shook his head but then gave in and tentatively took a few steps into the sea, gasping just as Seb had and making him laugh in turn as Mark tip-toed back out as the backwash of water cleared a shallower route out.

“Ah bloody hell.”

“See.”

“Yeah I said it was cold already,” pointed out Mark.

“Yeah okay. No, boys don't you go in!”

The both sighed and shook their heads as the dogs copied their example and ran back into the sea, soaking their fur once again.

“Daft things,” complained Mark. “No, I'm not stroking you now, yuk!”

Sebastian laughed and found the abandoned ball to throw it inwards across the beach so the dogs went away from the water.

“They'll dry out,” he commented.

“Mm, they'd better. I don't fancy a two hour journey in a car smelling of wet dog.”

Sebastian smiled and took his arm.

“Maybe we should stop off at that pub we saw?”

“Yeah if you like,” agreed Mark. “We'll have to see if they really do allow dogs.”

“Sure.”

  
  


The dogs bounded back over with the ball so they resumed their game, continuing up the beach heading north. They took their time but eventually they got closer to the curve of the beach leading to the estuary and Seb got out the dog leads so they didn't run off into the area where they weren't permitted.

“I can't actually see a sign,” commented Mark.

“Mm but I think we must be close to the reserve. Look over there.”

Sebastian pointed towards the mudflats only a few hundred yards away and Mark nodded.

“Know what any of those birds are?” he asked.

Seb stared over at the gulls flying above and some kind of waders with skinny legs half-buried in the mud as they dipped long beaks in to search for food.

“Dunno. Guess I should have done more research.”

Mark laughed.

“Think you did plenty already sweetheart. I wonder if there's a harbour further in?”

They could see a few boats sailing in the distance appearing to head inland. They looked like small vessels used for pleasure rather than anything else.

“Might be. I think there was a small town on the map over that way.”

“Ah well there you go, guess that's where the people are.”

Sebastian smiled.

“They're certainly not here. I suppose that's why there's a nature reserve. The birds must like the peace and quiet.”

“Very wise of them,” agreed Mark. “Right, shall we turn around before these guys decide to go investigate and a ranger comes to arrest us?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'm pretty sure they don't have powers of arrest, but yeah.”

  
  


They walked a way back down, seeing how much the tide was coming in now. As they reached the post marking the route back to the car Mark smiled and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Just as you said, well done.”

Sebastian shrugged, thinking he had only done what was sensible.

“Tell you what why don't we have a sit down and a drink?” proposed Mark.

“Sure. Here boys.”

Seb beckoned the dogs over and got them out some more food and drink while Mark passed him another water bottle. They sat on edge of the dunes watching the tide ebbing ever closer as the afternoon grew later.

“Coming in fast now isn't it?” observed Mark.

“Yeah. I mean I guess we would have been okay further up but we would have had to hike across the sand dunes a bit.”

“And no doubt got lost. Might never have found our way out.”

“Sad way to go.”

Mark smiled and fitted his arm around Sebastian.

“I can think of worse ways.”

“Mm, I guess.”

 

Sebastian rested the side of his head down on Mark's shoulder and the looked out for a little while.

“What shall we do tomorrow do you reckon?” asked Mark.

“Hmm.”

“One more day at home.”

Seb lifted his head.

“I don't know Liebling shall we just do home stuff?”

“Home stuff?”

“Yeah, all the things we do if we're home: Go for a run and get coffee, come back in time to have a chat with Pauline.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Sounds good. Take the dogs out, maybe go for a bike ride in the afternoon if the weather holds?”

“Yeah and a swim maybe, then just you know, have dinner in the kitchen and curl up in front of the television in the evening,” rounded off Seb.

“Ah now there we go, that sounds perfect. We'll certainly be busy.”

“Is it too much?”

“Nope, we just need to fit in packing too.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian sagged having temporarily forgotten about that. Mark gave him a little squeeze.

“We can always ditch the ride, we'll fit it in darling.”

“Yeah okay.”

“We'll just have a nice home day,” Mark assured him, knowing that timing wasn't really the issue.

“We should probably call our families too,” noted Seb.

“Yeah just to let them know we're all set.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark didn't like that he could detect worry in Seb's voice.

“No need to think beyond tomorrow yet, alright?”

“Yeah alright Liebling.”

“Good. We should just enjoy our time off.”

“I am. This is just what I dreamt of.”

Mark leaned his head into Sebastian's.

“Yeah me too. You've given me a really lovely birthday darling, thank you.”

“I'm glad.”

“Good. Just you, me and the boys, perfect.”

“Mm.” Sebastian took in a deep breath, then looked at him. “Do you think we might have someone else to bring this time next year?”

Mark thought for a second that Seb was referring to his suggestion about bringing his family, then he realised that wasn't the family he was referring to.

“Hopefully darling.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked wistful as he gazed into the distance.

“I'm sure a little one would love it here,” assured Mark. “Can you imagine them having fun running round with the dogs?”

Seb looked to him.

“I was thinking more a baby.”

“Yeah, well in a few years then, but I'm sure a baby would like it too. I bet they'd enjoy the sand.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“They'd probably try to eat it.”

“Yeah. We'd stop them though.”

“Course, yeah. We might struggle coming over the dunes though with a baby,” pointed out Seb.

“Mm, you can get though backpack carriers though.”

“Are you volunteering?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian smiled, envisioning Mark carrying a baby on his back as they trekked here together. Mark smiled too.

“You like that idea darling?”

“Yeah.”

“Might need those ice-creams though,” suggested Mark.

Sebastian just nodded and Mark knew he was dreaming of a day like this only as a bigger family, wiping a messy little face when they'd been given a treat, making sure their child was looked after and having fun. He was imagining that himself now: a chubby-legged baby being introduced to an inch of sea-water for the first time and squealing with a combination of delight and shock at the cold. They had to make it happen.

  
  


Mark just leaned into Sebastian's side as they sat quietly for a little while until the dogs began to press in and they noticed how much closer the tide was getting.

“We should make a move,” prompted Mark.

“Yep.”

  
  


They stood up and sorted themselves out ready to go, not bothering with the leads for the dogs this time as they clambered back up the slope into the dunes and set off walking back. Though it was only half a mile or so, it took more effort to walk on the shifting dry sand but before too long they made it back to where they had parked the car.

“Didn't get lost at all,” smiled Mark.

“Well we were only going straight,” Seb pointed out.

“True.”

As they opened up the boot of the car and ditched the bag. Seb looked around them.

“There's space for a couple more cars to park,” he observed.

“Mm, yeah.”

“So you'd think other people do come here.”

“Yeah, maybe for the nature reserve?” suggested Mark. “Perhaps it's not the right time for bird spotting?”

“Maybe.”

“You know what they _could_ use here? A loo.”

“Ah. Um yeah true,” agreed Seb. “Tell you what Liebling why don't we stop off at that pub we passed, see if the dogs can go in?”

“That's an idea. They've probably got an outdoor space even if we can't take them in. Yeah good plan, let's do that.”

“We can get a drink so it doesn't look like we're just sneaking in.”

Mark coughed a laugh at how good Seb was.

“Sure. Right, hop in boys,” he instructed, pointing into the boot for the dogs to jump in and settle down on their blanket. “Not going far.”

  
  


 

 

They climbed back into the car themselves and drove the couple of miles back to the village, parking around the side of the old pub before letting the dogs out and clipping the leads on to go around to the front. On the porch entrance there were a number of signs proclaiming their offerings of award-winning traditional ales and food as well as what looked like a home-made carved wooden sign announcing 'Dogs and their owners welcome'. Mark smiled as he pointed it out and they opened the thick wooden door to enter.

Inside there were low beamed ceilings and a dark wooden bar only a few feet in where a man in late middle age stood polishing the bar taps. The moment they walked in he looked up.

“Gentlemen, what can I get you?” he greeted cheerily.

“Um, we alright with the dogs?” checked Mark.

“Yes yes, can I get them a drink too?”

“Well yeah thanks, I don't suppose they'd say no to some water.”

“I would have thought not,” grinned the man. “And yourselves?”

Mark looked to Sebastian who shrugged.

“I think I only really want water too. Fizzy water maybe?”

“Right, two sparkling waters if you've got it mate. Last of the big spenders sorry.”

“No problem.”

The man started getting the drinks, then whistled and a black Labrador trotted over from where it had been sat unnoticed by the unlit fireplace.

“This is Bessie. Say hello Bessie,” introduced the barman.

Mark gave the dog a rub as she and Shadow and Simba sniffed around one another. Seb ducked down and stroked her.

“Hello,” he smiled. “Aren't you beautiful?”

“My beautiful black Bess,” smiled the barman seeming pleased that they were making a fuss of her. “Right, here's your drinks. I'll find a bowl for the dogs.”

“Thanks mate.”

“They're called Shadow and Simba,” related Sebastian still ducked down with them.

“Very nice. Are you taking these out? We've got a beer garden in the back.”

“Oh I think so, Seb?” checked Mark.

Sebastian stood back up and took his tall glass of iced water.

“Yeah sure.”

 

There were a few old men sat gathered around polished wooden tables over in the corner, but it was fairly dark in here, so sitting outside definitely seemed preferable.

“Right you are. I'll bring theirs out in a mo,” offered the man.

“Oh um, is there a loo?” enquired Seb.

“That door there,” the barman pointed out.

“Ah right, thanks.”

“Beer garden this way.”

 

The man indicated round the side of the small bar and they took the drinks, tugging on the leads to pull the dogs away from their new friend as they walked passed a few other patrons before exiting into a beer garden filled with wooden tables with parasols. There were more people out here, but they found a table over to the side and sat the dogs down on the grass. Seb was about to head back in to find the toilets when the barman appeared with two plastic bowls filled with water.

“Very good of you mate,” thanked Mark.

“No problem. Gotta take care of our customers haven't we?”

“You been busy today?” asked Mark conversationally.

“Oh not really. Big match wasn't it and we've not got Sky here.”

“Ah right.”

“You visiting the area?”

“We went down to the beach.”

“Ha,” the man laughed. “Found it then?”

“Yeah thanks.”

“Number of folk we have in here having got lost, asking for directions,” the barman smiled.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah mostly Twitchers.”

“I'm sorry what?” frowned Mark.

“Twitchers. Bird watchers,” explained the man before chuckling again. “I take it that's not you?”

“Nope mate I can safely say it's not. We just went to walk the dogs.”

“Most folk either head north to the harbour where you can get boat rides or south to the bay where the caravan parks are. Not much in-between this way.”

“Just the way we like it,” smiled Mark.

“Very good. Now then can I get you a menu? We're just starting up with service for evening meals.”

“Oh um.”

Mark looked to Seb who was thinking that pub food was unlikely to be the sort of things they ate.

“We have fresh fish direct from the quayside,” offered the man.

“Oh?”

“Fresh as you like, I think most of it was in the water this morning. They deliver direct all round here.”

“Um.”

“We do good chips if I do say so myself, or well, Val in the kitchen does I should say.”

Mark smiled at Seb, both of them wondering how they could politely say that they were unlikely to eat chips, no matter how good they were.

“I don't suppose you do salad with it?” tried Sebastian.

“Salad? Yes if you like, salad, jacket potato, whatever you like. Shall I bring a menu then?”

Seb looked to Mark who shrugged and nodded.

“Sure mate why not?”

 

The man smiled and nodded. As soon as he left Sebastian pulled a slight face.

“Oh gosh Liebling, I didn't feel we could say no.”

“Ah well we'll have a look. If we don't fancy it we can just head off.”

“Do you think it'll be fried fish?”

“Dunno. We'll have to see.”

“Okay. It is quite nice here. Would you like to stay for dinner?”

“Well we'll see if we fancy what's on offer. Fish sounds quite nice.”

“Birthday meal.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Okay well I'm just gonna nip to the loo.”

 

Sebastian went back inside to use the bathroom, coming back out to see Mark sat perusing a printed menu.

“He says they can do poached or grilled,” announced Mark as Seb re-took his seat at the table.”

“Oh right, okay.”

“He was also at pains to point out that they do a decent steak as well. That's assuming you aren't keen on the burgers or lasagne?”

“Lasagne?” frowned Seb.

Mark chuckled at the way he made that sound as if someone was trying to poison them.

“No? Not the home-cooked steak and kidney pie either?”

“Oh gosh Liebling I think you'd have to roll me home,” smiled Seb.

“Yeah I know what you mean.”

“Antti would do his nut.”

Mark pulled a face and Sebastian shook his head, knowing what Mark's opinion on his trainer's pronouncements were.

“Anyway,” continued Seb, looking back at the menu, “grilled salmon or poached haddock will do me fine if you fancy staying?”

“Yeah might as well, be lateish when we get back anyway.”

“There we go then.”

“I'll bob in and order while I nip to the loo,” decided Mark. “Which do you want, salmon?”

“Yeah.”

“Righto.”

Mark took the menu inside with him and Sebastian sat back in his wooden chair, reaching down to the dogs on the grass to give them a little rub.

 

Mark was soon back and before too long they were served with their meals. The sky was still blue above, though they pulled on hoodies as the temperature dropped a little. Seb was fairly sure they got one or two looks from a few of the other occupants of the other tables, but nobody came over so he supposed that might be his general paranoia. Perhaps they recognised them, perhaps it was seeing two guys together, perhaps it was nothing and Seb needed to get over himself, he didn't know. The best thing was to ignore any looks and concentrate on enjoying the meal and the company.

“Nice birthday meal then Liebling?” enquired Sebastian.

“Mm, yeah, saves us cooking when we get in tired anyway.”

“Yeah.” Seb checked his watch to see it was getting on for half seven. “Gonna be fairly late.”

“We can just go straight to bed,” offered Mark.

“Mm I am pretty tired.”

Mark smiled and Sebastian shrugged.

“I think it's the sea air.”

“That's probably it,” agreed Mark with a smile. “Well I can drive us home.”

“Oh you don't need to. It's your birthday trip,” protested Seb.

“My turn. I don't mind.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Easier on the way home anyway isn't it?”

“I guess.”

“There we are then. Do you want anything else?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Warm chocolate brownie and ice-cream on the menu.”

“Really?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“No I'm good. Though you can if you want. It is your birthday.”

“Nah. Think I'll save ice-cream for another day.”

“Okay then.”

Seb yawned and Mark flicked his eyebrows up.

“Don't want a coffee?”

“No it'll just keep me up later.”

“Yeah okay. Right well shall we go pay and head off?”

“Sure.”

  
  


Soon they were in the car once more, the dogs in the back, Mark at the wheel following the instructions of the satnav leading them in a reverse route of lanes that became A-roads leading eventually to the motorway. It was dark out now and Mark was about to comment that they wouldn't be going as quickly on the M25 if it was twelve hours from now when rush hour would be in full flow, or more accurately, no flow, when he looked across and saw that Sebastian was fast asleep, leaning sideways on the seat facing him. Mark smiled and thought it was a good job he had volunteered to drive. They'd just go straight to bed when they got home, even if Mark did have to put Seb over his shoulder to accomplish that.

Mark huffed a quiet laugh to himself thinking he wouldn't object to it. Today was a perfect day and tomorrow would be almost as good; simple and straight-forward and really requiring little more than each other to make themselves happy. They would do their best to ignore what was coming and indeed what had gone before. Blinkers on and just do all they could to stay happy in the moment. Mark glanced in the rear-view mirrors and was sure the dogs were asleep too. They didn't worry about yesterday or tomorrow. They just enjoyed today, thrilled beyond measure to have a run around and receive some affection from the people who loved them and whom they loved unconditionally in return. Mark thought they were a pretty good example for life.

  
  


 

* * *

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do hope you like this chapter, I got so involved in it I was there taking a nice warm nap in the sand, smelling the salt air, hearing the gulls cawing as they sail in the blue sky above..
> 
>  
> 
> Also just massively weirded myself out by spotting on twitter that Mark actually did have a BBQ in his garden today to celebrate his birthday in RL on the same day I had theirs in this little AU. Guess it's a good day for it, but the picture made me sit up and shake my head at the number of times this sort of thing happens with this story.


	168. Alone Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, deep breaths all around as we venture back to Monza.

 

* * *

  
  


 

Arriving in Italy they went straight from their plane to the hotel to sort themselves out, then Britta met them to go on. Even being here felt strange, but they both had to admit that they little accidental foray into the country a few months ago did perhaps mean that the shock wasn't quite as bad as it might have been. The hotel was just a hotel anyway, it didn't really mean anything. It was the track that held those bad memories, or not as the case may be.

Britta sat in the front of the car taking them to the circuit, looking into the rear-mirror to see that Seb and Mark were holding hands. They weren't talking much. Britta had run through everything for the weekend with them both already and Sebastian had said it was all fine, but she knew it was one of _those_ 'fine's. The sort of fine that really wasn't fine at all, but it was what you said. It was certainly what Seb said and Britta knew he would be doing that a lot this weekend. Sometimes nothing else was an option.

Mark didn't let go of Seb's hand as they walked from the car to the paddock entrance, he didn't let go of it as they walked along the paddock. He didn't know how he was going to let go of Seb at all this weekend.

  
  


 

It was only Wednesday afternoon so it was quiet yet even in the RedBull base. They went through into Christian's office for a welcome chat that Christian wisely hadn't even considered excluding Mark from. Christian didn't miss that they were quiet either. He exchanged a look with Britta and Christian knew she had noticed it. Of course it was to be expected and them coming a day early was precisely for this reason. The weekend would be hard enough. They needed a little time to try to ease into it if that were at all possible before the full onslaught of media and work with the team kicked in.

“Okay so Britta's set up the meeting this afternoon with some of the track marshals and the medical team here,” confirmed Christian.

“Right, thanks.”

“So that's at four, yes?” Seb checked.

“Yes I'll take you over,” answered Britta.

“Okay good,” nodded Christian.

“I just want to say thank you,” added Seb.

“Of course. Um, Mark are you going along?”

“Yeah mate as long as that's alright?”

“Sure. Now...” Christian looked to Britta feeling awkward. “Um, did Britta mention...?”

 

Sebastian frowned at how awkwardly his boss trailed off and looked to Britta, clearly passing the buck. Britta sighed, already knowing Seb wasn't going to like it.

“Seb the team would like to send a photographer down with you,” she explained.

“What?”

“To the meeting with the marshals and medical staff. Just a staff photographer, not media.”

“No.”

“Seb...”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Please Britta it's not about making, I don't know, it's not about my image. I'm not doing it for that.”

“I know but...”

Sebastian looked at her, then back at Christian.

“Please. This is going to be hard enough.”

“Sebi...” began Christian.

“He said no,” interrupted Mark firmly.

 

Christian opened his mouth, then shut it again.

“Okay fine,” accepted Britta, knowing when something was a lost cause. “Just us. It won't take long. I've spoken to their representatives and they're keen to see you as well.”

Sebastian nodded, feeling sightly better.

“We wanted to go out on the track this afternoon,” he explained to his boss. “That's okay isn't it?”

“Of course.”

“And um, just saying hello to the team really this afternoon.”

“Sure. That's fine Seb, they're just setting up today. They'll be very glad to see you, though we don't really need to get into prep until tomorrow.”

“Okay. I think I might do that sort of now-ish. Well dump our stuff upstairs first, then go to the garage and then take a walk on the track.”

“That's fine,” repeated Christian. “Would you like anyone to come with you? On the track I mean.”

“No just us.”

“Okay.”

Britta turned to him.

“Seb there may be photographers around the track. I mean Thursday is really their set-up day usually, but it is possible some could be around already.”

“Yeah.”

“And I can't stop them taking pictures if you're out there.”

“I know.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark gave his hand a rub with his thumb.

“I still want to go,” insisted Seb.

“That's fine,” assured Christian. “It's getting on for two, so you have plenty of time.”

“Sure.”

“Okay well... um, Britta you're going to run through the press conference stuff?”

“Tomorrow morning,” replied Britta. “I don't think we need to get ahead of ourselves.”  
  


Christian nodded. It seemed cruel to insist that Sebastian had to endure the main press conference as well as the rest of the media he had to get through this weekend, but the level of interest was unavoidable. Seb's personal trauma was box-office this weekend more than ever and this was entertainment as well as sport, even if it was cold to think of it that way, it was true and there was only so much the team could do to shield him.

“It's fine, I think I'd prefer to do it tomorrow,” assured Sebastian.

“Right, okay well I'll be heading down to the garage shortly myself so I'll see you there.”

“Okay, thanks then.”

“We just have to do our best to treat this like any other weekend,” Christian asserted.

He saw the look Sebastian and Mark gave him in response and Christian knew how unrealistic it was to expect that. It was also the only thing to do.

“Anything you need this weekend, anything I can do, just ask, okay Seb, Mark,” he added.

“Sure,” nodded Seb.

Mark nodded as well and with that they left to go upstairs to Seb's room. Britta stayed behind to talk to Christian.

  
  


“How is he then?” asked Christian.

Britta sighed and shook her head.

“I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine. You know what he's like.”

“Mm. Only too well. Okay well you'll keep a close eye on him.”

“Always do.”

“Yeah.”

“There's not too many media here yet,” noted Britta. “I'll collar them tomorrow and do my best to make it clear what is unacceptable.”

Christian gave her a look and Britta shrugged.

“At least they'll probably have forgotten about Heikki this weekend.”

Christian huffed a dry laugh.

“One worse thing trumping another?”

“The media have short memories,” noted Britta.

“I'm afraid I doubt they'll have any difficulty remembering this time last year.”

“No.” Britta puffed out a breath. “I will try everything I have with them this weekend, every threat, every promise of favours, but there's just no way they're going to only ask him about his tyre choices for the race.”

Christian nodded.

“Yes I know.”

“It's really the press conference I'm worried about,” admitted Britta. “I can't control it.”

“Mm.”

“Anyway I'll do my best to prepare him and... yeah...”

“I'm sure he'll be fine,” asserted Christian. “He always copes.”

“Hmm. Somehow. I'll do what I can to protect him.”

“You don't think a sit-down with one of the friendlier ones for an interview?”

Britta shook her head.

“No they'd just dig into the whole thing, maybe the Heikki business too. Even the friendlies would be under pressure from their producers to do it. I don't think that's really a good idea, do you?”

“No I suppose not. Minimum media then?”

“Yeah. I think that's gonna be quite enough to be honest.”

“Yeah.” Christian looked at her and shook his head. “Just an ordinary race weekend. Do we even have those?”

“I can't remember. Maybe we did once,” allowed Britta with a wry smile.

“Mm. Okay I'm gonna head down. You going to wait around and walk with them?”

“Yep.”

“Okay then. I'll see you shortly.”

Christian got up and pulled on his RedBull jacket as they both headed out, him to the garage and Britta to wait in a mostly empty hospitality unit until her charge appeared.

  
  


  
  


Up in Seb's room he currently stood wrapped in a hug. Mark knew Britta would be waiting, but as far as he was concerned she could wait. This was Seb's own time they were on and Mark wanted him to go at his own pace. Sebastian took in a deep breath and lifted away.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. Do you think I ought to change into team kit?”

“I think you should wear whatever you feel comfortable in.”

“I guess it's not really the weekend yet.”

“Right. So you're fine then.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian stepped away and straightened Mark's hoody that he was wearing. He took in a deep breath and pushed it slowly out.

“Okay I'm good. Are you okay?”

“I'm fine sweetheart.”

Sebastian stepped in closer and looked up into his eyes.

“Are you?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder and sighed a little.

“I'll be fine. We just have to get on with it, right?”

“Right.”

“No media today darling. It's just us, the team, saying some thank yous.”

Sebastian nodded, then bit his lip.

“Do you think I should have gone to the hospital to say thank you to them too?”

“We discussed this.”

“I know but...”

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian looked down for a moment. He didn't want to say that one of the main reasons he'd said no to this when Britta had brought it up was that he had thought it would be too hard for Mark to go back there. Seb didn't even really remember the hospital in Monza, just vague recollections of a darkened room and little lights flashing, being uncomfortable and afraid. And Mark. Mark's hand holding his hand, always.

 

Mark put a finger gently under Seb's chin to lift it up.

“It's fine sweetheart. You should do only what you want to this weekend, don't let anyone push you around.”

Sebastian huffed a dry little laugh.

“I don't really want to do the press conference but I've got to.”

“Mm, I guess.”

“It's okay. I'll just... Britta will talk me through stuff tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah.”

“I think she'll have her work cut out this weekend.”

“Well don't worry about anyone else.”

“Yeah... okay let's go then.”

“Yep.”

  
  


 

By the time they met Britta down in hospitality Mark's hand was back holding Sebastian's. They walked into the paddock and Mark found himself trying to work out if the RedBull garage was in the exact same spot as last year. He couldn't really tell seeing as they were mid-way along and the garages pretty much all looked alike. Thankfully there was no sign of any media around yet and the only people they passed were the odd member of other teams going about their business. They walked into the back of the garage and Mark stopped without realising. Seb turned to him to see Mark staring at the partition wall separating this part from the main garage.

“Britta we'll catch up.”

“Hm? Oh um okay.”

Britta walked on, guessing from Seb's tone that they needed a moment alone. As soon as she was gone Sebastian looked to Mark.

“Liebling?”

“Sorry I... yeah. I'm okay.”

Sebastian moved to be in his eye-line and squeezed Mark's hand.

“It's where we were before the race, right?”

“Hm? Yeah.”

Seb nodded. He didn't remember which felt very strange, but standing back here was what they always did, so he presumed it was the same here.

“I don't know if it's exactly the same garage,” admitted Mark. “They look the same.”

“Yeah.”

Mark tried to pull himself together, knowing Seb was surely having a harder time than he was.

“Sorry sweetheart, yeah we were out here as usual.”

Sebastian nodded again, but he could see that wasn't quite it.

“Mark?”

Mark shook his head.

“Sorry I wasn't thinking about that really. It was... never mind.”

“No what is it?”

Mark pushed out a breath. They'd already agreed that they had to be honest with each other if they were going to get through this.

“Just...” Mark sighed. “This is where I was when Christian told me. I mean I knew... I'd seen what had happened, but we still didn't know...” He shook his head. This was so hard. “This is where he told me the Med-evac helicopter was taking you to the hospital.”

“Oh. Are you alright?”

“I'm not even sure it's the same garage.”

“Mark that's not the point.”

“No.” Mark took in a deep breath. “I'm okay. Sorry. It's fine.”

“You threw up,” Seb recalled from what Mark had told him since.

“Yeah. Sure whoever had to clear that up loved me.”

“Liebling...”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm okay. Let's go through.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it's okay. We've just got to get on with it.”

 

He gave Sebastian's hand a squeeze back and managed a smile before they walked through. Seb hid taking a breath as they crossed the threshold into the main garage. Seb knew before it happened that everyone in there was bound to turn to look, but as they walked in the busy garage suddenly fell silent and Seb wished to god they would just carry on with what they had been doing. It felt as though he ought to say something, but he had no words in his mind. Seb wasn't sure there were any words appropriate. He held tighter onto Mark's hand and Christian rushed over while Seb attempted to paint on a smile.

“Seb, Mark, excellent, um I was just saying to Britta we um probably want to make a fairly early start tomorrow.”

Britta appeared too and Seb knew they were making a nothing conversation just to ease the tension, but he was grateful for it. In the background the team started going back to work and the noise level rose again. As it did so Sebastian felt himself relaxing slightly. He was hardly listening to what his boss was saying. All he did was nod and smile, wondering all the while whether his mechanics were noticing the fact he was still holding Mark's hand.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Half an hour later Sebastian came back over from where he had been talking to his guys about the work they were doing to prepare the car and rejoined Mark where he stood still talking to Britta and Christian. None of his guys had asked him if he was okay and Sebastian was more grateful for it than he could say. He knew that surely Christian had given the whole team a lecture on treating this weekend, and indeed him, as normal, but it was a huge relief to find them actually doing it. There had been an awkward pause when he first walked over to join them, but Seb knew he just had to power through it, pretend everything was normal and then it would at least feel more normal, both for him and them.

“Looking good?” asked Mark who had had to work pretty hard not to go over with Seb as he had spoken to both his engineers and his mechanics.

“Yeah, just still getting started really, but yeah,” assured Sebastian.

“They've pulled all your data from the sim runs you did last week,” assured Christian.

“Yep, sure.”

“Okay, well there's plenty of time to go over all that tomorrow.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Um Seb, I should have said earlier, Doc Phillips would like to see you later.”

“I'm fine.”

“Yeah, just humour him would you? He only wants five minutes of your time.”

Seb puffed a breath, not wanting to make things any more difficult than they were already.

“Yeah okay. So Mark I was thinking of maybe going for that walk.”

He caught Mark's eye and Mark nodded.

“Sure.”

 

They walked into the pitlane and Christian and Britta came with them. As they approached the pitwall Seb turned to the others.

“I'd rather just go on my own, sorry.”

“Right, sure,” accepted Christian.

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“I mean obviously.”

“Yeah I know,” Mark nodded, understanding that when Seb referred to being on his own in these circumstances he really meant the two of them.

“Okay so you're just going out on the track?” checked Christian.

“Yeah and um, the run-off.”

Christian nodded slowly. He didn't need telling to know what Seb was really doing here.

“Okay that's fine. The place isn't open to the public yet so there really shouldn't be anyone around.”

“Yeah.”

“And you...” Christian paused. “Um, you know where you're going?”

Mark gave him a look and Christian was about to apologise when Sebastian replied.

“Yeah. I mean I don't remember, but...”

“I know where we're going,” stated Mark.

“Right, of course,” Christian replied awkwardly. He wanted to offer to go with them again, but he knew that wasn't what they needed. “Okay well I'll be here when you get back.”

“Sure.” Seb looked to Britta. “Four o'clock for the thing, right?”

“Right. Plenty of time.”

“Okay then.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark and with a last nod to the other two, retook his hand and started walking along the pitlane to where there was an open gate in the pitwall leading onto the track. They passed other garages that were equally filled with other F1 teams all preparing for the weekend. Seb hoped that they were too busy to pay any attention to who was walking past.

Back down by the RedBull pitwall Christian looked to Britta.

“You know it's sod's law there'll be a photographer lurking.”

“I know.”

Christian sighed.

“Okay.”

“It's what they need to do,” stated Britta.

“Yeah. Okay well it is what it is.”

Britta nodded, no way around half the things they were going to have to endure this weekend.

  
  


  
  


Mark gave Seb's hand a little squeeze as they stepped onto the asphalt of the track.

“Okay?” he checked.

“Yeah.”

“You know where we're going? I mean the spot?”checked Mark.

“Yeah. I mean obviously I don't remember it happening, but I remember the meeting where they showed us all the stuff, you know the analysis at the factory.”

“Of course.”

They set off walking away from the pit straight, heading into the long U curve, both knowing where they were going. Sebastian took in a breath and let it out as an almost-laugh.

“You know what's weird?”

Mark frowned. Any number of things were weird about this.

“What?”

“It feels wrong to be walking this way up the track when we drive the other way.”

Mark gave him a small smile.

“Yeah I know what you mean.”

They were getting closer to Parabolica and Mark stared out at the kerb running around the curve. It was where a car turned to begin heading into the straight where they currently walked. It was where a car was _supposed_ to brake and turn. It was where Seb's car had done neither of those things.

 

The start of the curve came ever closer as they kept walking until they could see the wrong way down the long straight leading into the corner. Seb turned to look that way instead of towards the run-off and Mark looked with him, not saying anything for now. Sebastian sighed before speaking.

“It looks a lot longer on foot.”

“Yeah.”

“I suppose that's true of anywhere, but... It really was the worst place.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian turned to Mark.

“Sorry.”

“No no.” Mark paused. “Are you still planning on doing the usual track walk with the guys tomorrow afternoon?”

“I think so. I mean, just doing the normal stuff.”

“Sure.”

“That's why I wanted to come now, so it wasn't the first time.”

“Yeah.”

Seb looked the other way to the curve.

“I'm not sure exactly where I came off. Are you?”

“Not precisely. It was just straight.”

“Right.”

Mark took a deep breath as they both looked along the painted curves.

“You know it's odd. I think somehow I thought there'd still be marks, you know like tyre marks,” Seb admitted.

“Oh, um I guess. I don't know if there were marks.”

Sebastian nodded. For there to be marks the brakes would have needed to have been working, which had rather been the issue. He took a deep breath and looked over the tarmac run-off leading to gravel and the tyre wall beyond.

“That way, right?” he checked.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Are you alright to walk over?”

“Sure.”

  
  


They started crossing over the run-off area, walking in what was the approximate path that Seb's car had taken a year ago. It felt oddly quiet with no one around and they could hear the gravel crunching beneath their feet as they walked across it, getting ever closer to the tyre wall. Seb couldn't help thinking how far it was and how much faster he must have been travelling when he'd been in the car. This would have been his view, the tyre-wall zooming in to fill his visor. Had he been afraid? Surely he must have been.

Eventually they reached the tyre wall.

“It's very deep here,” noted Seb.

“Hm?”

“The tyre-wall. It's very deep.”

“Yeah.”

“That's good I guess.”

“Yeah.”

Mark closed his eyes for a second, unable to stop himself holding the image in his head of Seb's car buried in this tyre wall. Seb barely visible and not moving, not moving.

“Sorry. That's probably a really stupid thing to say,” apologised Seb.

“Hm?” Mark looked at him. “No it's not. Of course it's good.”

“It must have absorbed a lot of the energy.”

“Yeah.”

“I still stopped really suddenly though I suppose.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian rubbed his thumb over the back of Mark's hand.

“I'm sorry Liebling I'm just trying to get my head around it.”

Mark turned and shook his head.

“No sweetheart of course. It's not stupid.”

“I know this is hard for you.”

“No it's okay. I think this is good for me too,” assured Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“They showed it on TV?”

“Yeah.”

Mark took a deep breath and Seb looked to him.

“I can't imagine.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“I think you can darling. You've had to watch me crash.”

“Yeah I guess. But you got out.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Sweetheart you don't need to keep apologising.”

“I feel like I do.”

“Well you don't. It wasn't your fault. The brakes failed.”

“Yeah I know, but... I just hate that it must have been so awful for you.”

Mark shrugged again, unable to think of any response.

“Did they keep the cameras on it?” asked Sebastian.

“Yeah for a while. It was when they cut away I got really scared. Well. I was already scared, but that was worse.”

 

Sebastian nodded and moved in closer. With his spare hand he reached and rubbed over Mark's upper arm.

“I know it's going to be incredibly hard for you watching this weekend,” he sympathised.

Mark could do nothing but shrug.

“Liebling if it'd be easier for you to not be in the garage,” suggested Sebastian.

“What? No sweetheart.”

“I'm just saying I know it'll be hard and with cameras around. If you just want to watch from hospitality or stay in my room?”

“No way.”

“You could walk me down and then go back.”

Mark shook his head.

“No. I'll be in the garage.”

“I'll only be off on the track.”

“Sweetheart I am staying in the garage. Yes it will be hard, but I wouldn't be anywhere else, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I'm here to support you.”

“I know, but I think it's really harder for you Liebling. I don't remember any of it, but you do.”

“Yeah, but that doesn't change anything,” countered Mark. “I am here for you and that means being in the garage. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“I need to be there. For me as much as anything.”

 

Sebastian nodded, his brow furrowing a little.

“You mean like, to know you can do it?”

“I suppose. I think the only thing that will make me feel better is to know I'm here for you as I should be.”

“Okay. Alright well if that's what you need then, yeah okay.” Sebastian nodded again. “I think... I guess I'm hoping that once I get in the car I won't be thinking about anything other than driving.”

“Darling that's exactly as it needs to be.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I don't want you worrying about me, or your family or anything else,” insisted Mark. “You just concentrate on driving the car.”

“I'm hoping I'll just sort of forget where we are once we get going.”

Sebastian stopped as he realised how that sounded.

“God, sorry Mark that was a stupid way of putting it.”

“That's alright. I know what you meant.”

“I just meant treat it like any other race, just driving, you know?”

“Sure.”

“I didn't mean I'd forget where I am.”

Mark turned in to face him.

“Sweetheart it's alright. I understood what you meant.”

“Okay.”

“That's exactly right. That's what you need to do.”

Seb nodded.

“Okay yeah, like in Austin.”

“Sure.”

“I guess... Well this will sound weird, but it's sort of an advantage not remembering last year because I can't be distracted by it.”

“No well that's something,” agreed Mark.

“Does it sound awful to say that?” worried Seb.

“No course not. It makes complete sense.”

“I know it's not the same for you.”

“Sweetheart stop worrying about me. I will feel a lot better knowing you are in the car just doing your thing, not worrying about anything other than driving.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian nodded and puffed a breath.

“I don't know how I'm going to explain all this stuff to the media tomorrow,” he admitted.

“Screw the media.”

Seb gave him a half smile.

“I'd rather not.”

Mark gave him a little smile back.

“Yeah, well Britta's going to sit with you tomorrow ahead of it isn't she?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, so you'll be fine. Just tell them the truth,” suggested Mark.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Hmm.”

“No? Well tell them whatever you want to darling, but don't worry about it.”

“Yeah okay. I guess there's no point worrying about it until tomorrow.”

“Exactly.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and looked around once more.

“At least there's room here,” he observed.

“Yeah.”

“You know for the medical car and the marshals and everything.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian nodded slowly, trying to picture the scene. He wondered where he had been laid out. Where the doctors had worked on him. Where precisely he had lain when his heart stopped and they had to resuscitate him. He didn't realise that he had fallen silent until Mark tipped his head as he looked at him.

“Sorry I was just thinking.”

“Thinking?” pressed Mark.

Sebastian sighed a little. He didn't want to upset Mark, but not telling him felt dishonest.

“Just... where things happened. The medical car, where I was when I was out of the car.”

 

Mark wasn't entirely sure how it helped Seb to go into all this detail, but he guessed it was to orientate himself when so much information was missing. He could have asked the team to go over it again, but Mark guessed Seb didn't want that. If it was to be business as usual with the team, then revisiting what had happened last year rather fell outside that remit.

“Just a little way over,” stated Mark. “Not far I don't think.”

“Right.”

Seb bit his lip and Mark looked closer.

“Do you want to walk over?”

“I think so.”

“Okay.”

Mark walked them to roughly where he thought Seb had been treated a few feet away. It felt very strange to be retracing things like this, but perhaps there was something cathartic about it?

 

They stood on the gravel and Seb felt oddly again as if there ought to be some kind of marker to show where he had been laid out on the ground by the medics, where his heart had stopped and he had died before being resuscitated and brought back to life. He had died here. Maybe on this very spot, he had died.

He took a deep breath as he looked down and Mark tipped his head to the side to try to read his expression.

“What are you thinking?” enquired Mark.

Seb looked up and puffed a breath.

“Just what happened here. It still seems more like it was someone else.”

“Mm.”

“I know it wasn't, obviously, but I still feel a bit detached from it.”

Mark nodded.

“Well perhaps that's best sweetheart?”

“Yeah maybe.” Sebastian looked at him and put his hand on Mark's arm. “I'm sorry Liebling I know it's harder for you.”

Mark gave a little shrug.

“Did they show it?” asked Seb.

“Hm?”

“The doctors treating me, when, you know, when they had to resuscitate me.”

“Oh. No they'd cut away.”

“Right, yeah I suppose they wouldn't show that.”

Mark nodded, but he closed his eyes for a moment as he remembered.

“Mark?”

Mark looked back at him.

“I was more frightened by that. If they weren't showing it... I knew it was serious, really serious, and then Christian came over and we went out back.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I'm so sorry Liebling.”

“He told me the helicopter was going to take you to the hospital.”

“Where did it land?”

“Hm? Oh I don't know, on the track I think. They'd stopped the race.”

Seb glanced over.

“I suppose, I mean at least there's room here, so that's something, that there weren't any more delays and they got to the hospital as fast as possible.”

 

Mark nodded, but he could feel himself getting overwhelmed.

“I wanted to run to you. I didn't want you to be alone.”

“Oh Liebling,” sighed Seb.

“I wanted to go with you in the helicopter. Christian had to stop me. I wasn't thinking straight. I wasn't thinking at all. I don't even know how I got to the car. Britta and Doc Phillips I guess.”

“They took you?”

“Yeah. I was a mess. I couldn't even think to call your family.”

“Mark that doesn't matter. You were going to the hospital.”

“Then they wouldn't let me in. I had to be with you. I knew you needed me and I was out of my mind with worry and they wouldn't let me in. They said I wasn't family.”

Mark's face crumpled and Sebastian stepped in to put his arms around him.

“Oh Liebling I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.”

“I had to be with you.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark lowered his face to bury it in Seb's shoulder. Seb had his arms around Mark's neck and Mark in turn put his arms around him to pull Seb in tight. He took deep breaths, trying not to cry as Sebastian pressed his cheek into Mark's temple and whispered into his ear.

“You _are_ family. My family, my everything, my world, my rock.”

Mark took in an uneven breath and squeezed Seb tighter.

“We are family Liebling. We're married now. No one can ever say we're not family again,” assured Seb.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian tried rubbing over Mark's back, knowing how that comforted him when Mark did it. Mark lifted his head a little to look at him and took in a deep but shaky breath.

“You're so brave coming back here Liebling,” Sebastian assured him.

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“Me?”

“Yes you. You're here for me, just as you always are. You're amazing.”

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“I think we've just got to do it haven't we?”

“Yeah, but you don't, not really.”

“Yes I do.”

Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes and nodded.

“Mein Fels.”

Mark managed a smile.

“Always darling.”

“We'll get through it together.”

“Yeah.”

“Just as we always do.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah, somehow.”

“So we'll be okay,” assured Seb.

“Okay.”

 

They hugged again, then Sebastian looked over to the tyre-wall and the spot where they stood.

“You know two years earlier and I might have thought it was a release,” he confessed.

Mark looked at him.

“Seb don't say that.”

“It's true though. It would have been an escape when I thought there was no other way and almost nothing worth living for, but now I have so much to live for, no matter how tough things get sometimes, my life is so much better and I just... I think, I mean I know it's science, the treatment they gave me, that they shocked my heart to restart it, I get that, but I think I had to _want_ to come back.”

 

Mark closed his eyes for a second, then put his hand at the side of Seb's face and at looked into his eyes, then enveloped him in a long hug that they both buried themselves in until they felt restored. Mark took in a deep breath and whispered in his ear.

“I'm just glad you did darling.”

“Me too. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

When they lifted apart to look at one another, Seb sighed a little.

“You know there might be cameras about,” he warned.

“I don't care. Sod them, I don't care.”

“Okay, me neither.”

 

They hugged again, then Sebastian took a deep breath.

“I guess I should get back. Britta will be wanting to get on to that meeting.”

“No rush,” Mark assured him. “Just take things at your own pace.”

Sebastian huffed a tiny laugh at that idea on a race weekend, but he nodded and took Mark's hand as they turned back towards the pitlane.

“Thank you for doing this.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's fine sweetheart.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Seb looked to him and Mark gave his hand a squeeze.

“I couldn't do this without you,” thanked Sebastian.

Mark could think of no reply other than to say it was okay, though it wasn't really. As they reached the gate into the pitlane he watched the way Sebastian put his shoulders back and cleared his expression, ready to go back on show.

  
  


  
  


 

Not long later Britta walked with them to the Medical Centre where the meeting had been arranged with the medical team and some of the marshals who had been on the scene of his accident a year ago. They shook their hands and Seb tried out some of his Italian. They seemed to respond well, though he wasn't entirely sure he followed all they said in reply when they spoke so fast, but they smiled and he smiled back and Seb thought that had to be okay. Mark said his thanks as well, though he could only manage it in English. The main FIA medical representative was there, and though they had seen him in passing at other races, it felt good to take the time to say a proper thank you.

Mark told them how thankful he was that they had responded so quickly, but he couldn't quite bring himself to say more and remind them how important it had been that they had restarted Seb's heart so quickly and kept up his oxygen supply. Without that Mark knew Seb might not be standing beside him right now. He supposed they knew that well enough themselves.

“There's no way we can ever thank you enough,” offered Mark.

The responses came that they were of course doing their jobs, some in halting English, some just nodding and Seb thanked them again as well, though like Mark he found it difficult to come up with words sufficient to the task.

“Thank you, I just... yeah.” Sebastian smiled and nodded to the assembled group again, feeling oddly nervous. “I just wanted to say how much we appreciate what you did and the work you always do.”

He tried it again in Italian, then looked to Britta who made their excuses, saying that they sadly had to get on and with final nods and shaken hands they exited and walked back outside. As they did so Sebastian let out a puff of air and Mark put an arm around him.

“You did good,” he assured.

“I hope I said it right in Italian.”

“You were fine,” insisted Britta.

“Okay, thanks.”

Mark gave him a squeeze and felt Seb relax. He knew they had done the right thing in saying no to a photographer being present. They were going to have more than enough of that this weekend.

  
  


They walked back into the RedBull base and Britta turned to them.

“Okay so you're seeing Dr Phillips in half an hour and then Antti, yes?”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

“Do you want to go upstairs for a bit?” asked Mark.

Seb let out a long breath.

“It's quiet in here. Let's just get a coffee.”

“Righto.”

“Okay so um...”

Seb looked to Britta who nodded, knowing she wasn't needed.

“I'll get on then. Don't suppose you'll have any trouble finding them.”

“No that's fine. Thank you.”

Britta nodded, then looked awkward.

“I'm sorry about earlier, suggesting the photographer...”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It's alright. I know there's a lot of pressure on you this weekend.”

Britta gave him a smile thinking these things were comparative. She wouldn't swap her position for Seb's this weekend.

“Don't worry about it Seb. We'll get through it. Do you want me to hang on and go back to the hotel with you later?”

“No it's fine.”

“Alright so if I don't see you then we'll meet in the lobby first thing tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

Britta gave her leave and Seb and Mark took a table in the corner to drink their coffees in peace. They didn't talk very much, they merely sat so their legs rested together and that was enough.

  
  


When Seb went to go to his unavoidable check-ups Mark was left kicking his heels in an almost deserted hospitality area. Everyone including the staff in here seemed to be busy working and Mark found himself wishing that there was at least someone like DC about for him to pass the time with, but even the TV crews didn't need to get going until the Thursday of a race weekend. With little else to do Mark texted Jenson and wondered if his attempt at a casual hello had come off a bit desperate seeing as his friend rang him back almost immediately. They chatted about how things were going just generally and Mark tried to underplay things, but he couldn't miss the way Jenson subtly attempted to check how he and Seb were doing.

“Okay mate well you know we'll be home watching this weekend, so if you want to give us a ring or whatever at any point, feel free,” offered Jenson.

“Thanks. I guess we might be fairly busy.”

“Sure, well I won't be offended if you don't, but if you're at a loose end or you need a friendly ear.”

“Very kind mate. I appreciate it.”

“I know you'll want to be there for Seb, but Jessy wants me to remind you you should make sure you're taking care of yourself this weekend, right?”

“Right. Jess said that,” smiled Mark.

“Well me too.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Alright well I guess that's enough of me channelling your mother,” allowed Jenson.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“That's alright mate, believe me my mum's already had that conversation with me and Seb's mum for that matter.”

Jenson smiled and gave his wife a wink where she sat by him on the sofa in their apartment in Monaco.

“I'm sure.”

“Very kind of you though,” allowed Mark.

“No problem. Well I guess I'd better let you go.”

“Yeah Seb should be back soon.”

“Right you are then. Well give my, our, best wishes to Seb.”

In the background Mark smiled to hear a hissed _'Jense'_ and his friend sighed.

“I'm being looked at mate. Hang on, Jess wants a word.”

The phone was handed over and Jessica came on the line.

“Hello Mark.”

“Hey.”

“What Jenson _meant_ to say was please give our love to Seb and to you of course.”

“Oh well thanks.”

“And you know we're not far away. If you wanted we could come down?”

“Umm.”

“Or not. I'm sure you've got a lot on your plate.”

“Yeah, Jess I think to be honest we're best off just getting on with it,” admitted Mark.

“Of course.”

“You understand don't you?”

“Mark of course I do. You need to do what you need to do. Seb did mention he'd said, you know with his parents.”

“Ah right, yeah. He told you about that?”

“Mm.”

“Right. Yeah well...” Mark paused, but he knew he could trust Jess to understand. “You know he finds things like that difficult.”

“Yeah.”

“Mm, so...”

“Oh right,” twigged Jess, realising what Mark was hinting was that Seb didn't need anything else to feel guilty about rebuffing. “No it's okay. I won't say anything about it then.”

“It's just if he feels he has to give reasons and make excuses.”

“Mark it's fine. I understand completely,” she assured. “I'll just text him best wishes and remind him we're here if you guys need anything. That okay?”

“That's great, thank you. I do appreciate it and I know Seb does.”

“Well we appreciate you in turn. I can't imagine how tough this weekend is going to be for you.”

“Mm well...”

“You'll be fine though. Don't forget how many people you have backing you.”

Mark smiled to himself.

“Thanks. You'll say that to him won't you?”

“Already have sweetie, but I'll text him again.”

“You're a good lass.”

Jessica laughed.

“Praise indeed. Well now I've stuck my nose in I'll pass you back to Jense.”

“Ah no Jess, really, you're very kind. It does help to have good friends backing us up.”

“Thank you and likewise, anyway, here's Jense.”

She passed the phone back to her husband and Jenson's voice came back on.

“Alright then mate, well I'm just saying bye then.”

“Sure. Thanks, bye then.”

“Yeah and you know do give our love to Seb.”

Mark smiled, thinking how his friend rarely talked that way. It did show how things really were.

“Thank you.”

“And our love to you too. There you go you old sod, you don't get that out of me very often.”

Mark chuckled.

“No, that's true.”

“We'll be watching on TV, so give us a wave.”

“Sure. Bye then.”

“Bye mate.”

 

Jenson hung up and turned to his wife.

“What do you think?” he asked.

Jessica gave a little shake of her head.

“I honestly don't know how they do it.”

“No. I'm not so sure Mark isn't just gonna try to climb in the car with him on Friday.”

“Jense,” tsked Jessica.

“I'm not kidding. Either that or he belts a reporter who says the wrong thing.”

“Hmm.”

Jess found her phone and started composing a message to text to send to Seb while Jenson did something similar only to his friend DC. He wouldn't break any confidences, but at least there was one person on the scene and Jenson wanted to know somebody had an eye on them.

  
  


  
  


Once Seb was back from his check-ups they headed up to grab their things from his room then headed back to the hotel.

“So it was all okay then?” checked Mark.

“Yeah course,” Seb assured. “They're just doing their jobs.”

“Course.”

“Fussing mostly.”

Mark smiled at him.

“Well we wouldn't want that.”

Seb leaned over from where he sat next to him in the car and Mark fitted his arm around him.

“Am I allowed to fuss over you?” asked Mark.

“Yeah that's okay.”

“Good.”

“It's nice Jess and Jenson rang you.”

“Yeah. I think they could tell I was at a loose end.”

“Mm, they both texted me too.”

“Ah did they?”

“Just best wishes and stuff.”

“Sure. Well we could ring them later if you want.”

“Mm,” havered Seb. “I think I'll just text. That's not rude is it?”

“Course not.”

“I need to ring my family when we get in, but other than that I think I'd like it if it's just us tonight Liebling.”

“Sure. That's fine sweetheart, we can get room service, watch a film maybe?”

“Yeah. Be good if we could just forget about tomorrow,” suggested Sebastian.

“Mm, well we can cuddle up and have an early night.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Good.”

Mark turned his head to kiss Seb's cheek. He noticed the driver clock it in the rear-mirror but Mark merely sent him a defiant look back and gave Seb a squeeze. It would be an unwise soul who crossed him this weekend.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


When Seb hung up from a call to his family that consisted mostly of him reassuring them that he was fine, he puffed out a breath and leaned into Mark, wondering why conversations like that always felt so exhausting.

“I suppose it makes it easier Stef and Mel are staying there this weekend,” he admitted.

“Yeah, well don't be worrying about calling them now,” Mark advised.

“Mm, I guess I can text. I'll call them tomorrow and then they'll all be in the same place from Friday.”

“Sure. Well while you do that why don't I ring down for some food and we can find a film to watch, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

  
  


Soon enough they were sat on the little sofa at the end of the bed, eating whilst watching a film they'd managed to find on TV that was in English with subtitles below in Italian. They were easy enough to ignore though and the film didn't really require much attention seeing as they'd watched it before. When they finished Sebastian took the plates and glasses and deposited them back out in the corridor before returning to curl up his legs on the sofa leaning into Mark. It was still only a little after half past seven, but as an ad break came on Seb lifted up a bit.

“Shall we watch the rest of it in bed?”

“Mm, sure if you like,” agreed Mark. “While we're at it shall we actually get ready for bed, then we can just switch off and go to sleep?”

“Yeah okay.”

  
  


Five minutes later they were tucked up under the covers, pillows piled slightly behind them so they could still watch the television. Sebastian leaned into Mark's side and as another break came up later he let out a little sigh. Mark looked to him and stroked over his arm.

“Alright?” he checked.

“Yeah this is nice.”

“Good.”

“I don't think I'd really want a TV in our room at home though.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“No darling I don't think that'd be a good idea.”

“I like that our bedroom is just, you know, that,” asserted Seb.

“Sure.”

Sebastian shifted to lean more into Mark.

“It's just about us,” he continued, “just being peaceful and away from the world.”

 

Mark smiled and lifted his hand to stroke a finger over Seb's cheek.

“Just us,” Mark echoed before leaning in to kiss him.

Seb huffed a little laugh and kissed Mark back before settling in to rest his head just below Mark's shoulder, wrapping his arm around Mark's chest as Mark in turn slipped his hand beneath Seb to hold him in place.

“Just sleep and nice lie ins and yeah...” continued Seb.

Mark chuckled at the unspoken end to that sentence and Sebastian liked the way it ran through Mark's body and into his own.

“I couldn't agree more darling,” Mark concurred.

“Yeah,” sighed Sebastian.

There was something so content and gentle in that sigh that made Mark smile a little more softly. He stroked his hand over Seb's side and as Seb looked up at him Mark ducked in to steal another kiss.

  
  


The film started up again, but whilst Seb turned his head to watch it, Mark had drifted to look at Sebastian instead. Here safe in his arms, where a part of him wanted to keep Seb at all times. Out of the window Mark could tell, even through the closed blinds, that the sun was going down. He'd been so afraid of the approaching dark. Sitting in that hospital room, praying for Sebastian to wake up, for him to open his eyes, to squeeze his hand, to come back to him.

Mark watched the way Sebastian was smiling at something silly in the film and he couldn't stop himself squeezing him tight and pressing his forehead down into Seb's temple. The move surprised Seb, but he didn't pull away. Instead he waited until Mark lifted off and turned his head more to look at him.

“Sorry sweetheart,” Mark apologised.

“It's alright.”

“I just love you so much. I'm sorry.”

Sebastian frowned.

“Mark why are you apologising?”

Mark shook his head and sighed and Seb turned a little more so he could see him properly.

“Liebling what's the matter?” he pressed.

Mark shook his head again.

“Just bad memories that's all.”

Seb shifted up a fraction to look at him more levelly.

“You don't have to apologise for that,” he asserted.

“Hm.”

“Tell me. Unless you don't want to?”

“No just... I was thinking about being in the hospital that's all. The sun was going down and I was just so scared sweetheart.”

 

Sebastian squeezed in a little tighter and looked at him sympathetically, so Mark continued.

“I never felt so scared at anything that happened to me. Even the worst crashes, those flips in 2010 and back years ago at Le Mans. I just kind of thought; _'oh shit this is bad',_ and then all I had time for was to feel bad for my family watching, but this, I never felt anything like it in my life. I was terrified, desperate. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't woken up, if you hadn't come back to me.”

Mark took in a breath to recover from the rush of words and Seb could only press in closer to him.

“Oh Liebling I'm sorry.”

“No darling it wasn't your fault.”

“Well it was because of me.”

“No. No sweetheart, don't think of it that way. The accident wasn't your fault. It just happened. It was just a terrible thing. I don't want you blaming yourself.”

“Okay,” Seb replied quietly.

Mark moved his head in closer.

“I don't darling. Don't feel guilty about it.”

“I feel bad that you had to go through it though.”

“Yeah but that's not the same as it being your fault darling. Bad things happen, sometimes there's no one to blame, they just happen.”

“Yeah.”

“I think we've had more than our share.”

Sebastian let out a helpless little huffed laugh.

“Oh god Liebling I think so.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Don't feel bad about it. I don't want you to feel bad about it.”

“Okay.”

Mark leaned in even closer to kiss him.

“Really darling, don't feel bad. You've got enough to deal with.”

“Hm.”

“You woke up, you came back to me. That's what I have to focus on.”

“Me too I guess.”

A weak smile broke over Mark's face.

“Yeah.”

“I think maybe... I'm not sure when I said it, in an interview I think, but I said, probably back in Austin I guess, that I didn't want to think of it as being unlucky, but the luckiest day of my life really,” asserted Sebastian.

“Yeah.” Mark gave a little nod. “Yeah sweetheart, you're right. It was the luckiest day of my life. I got you back. I have you here lying in my arms right now and that automatically makes this the luckiest day of my life too.”

 

Sebastian hardly knew whether to smile or cry at that so instead he reached up and kissed Mark, properly this time, slow and soft at first, growing more intense as they broke for air and instead of settling back Sebastian moved on top of Mark and leaned in to kiss him again without exchanging another word. By the time he lifted up again his chest was already working harder and Mark's hands had slipped to hold his waist. As Seb took in a deep lungful of air Mark let out a laugh.

“Yeah this would be why we don't need a television in the bedroom sweetheart.”

The little joke seemed to break the tension and Sebastian laughed back before dropping himself into Mark. He rubbed his cheek into Mark's, then lifted up and kissed him again, more slowly now, more intent on forgetting where they were and why. This time as Seb paused to reclaim air Mark shook his head.

“Darling you know what you do to me when you do that.”

“Mmm.”

Mark closed his eyes for a second, but as he did so he felt Seb press his hips deliberately into him.

“Sweetheart.”

He opened his eyes to see Seb's eyes above his, the blue wide and appealing in every sense, but the pupils dark, sucking him in.

“I don't want to think about dying,” whispered Seb. “I want to remember why it's so good to be alive.”

Mark wanted to reply, but he was falling into those eyes, helpless, just as he always was.

“I love you so much Liebling. Every day I'm with you is the luckiest day of my life. Every day since I stood on your doorstep. You took me in and you held me in your arms and everything got better, everything...”

Mark pulled him in tight, then kissed Seb again.

“I love you too darling. That's one of my luckiest days too, and the day you kissed me for the first time.”

“And after.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah definitely the 'and after' bit, and a year later when you said you'd marry me and our wedding day and lots of days, every day.”

“Every day,” echoed Seb.

“Yeah.”

  
  


They began kissing again, Seb naturally beginning to move more against Mark who took in a sharp breath and had to pull his head away.

“Darling, seriously. You know what you do to me.”

“Yes, I do.”

Sebastian smiled and lifted his body up a fraction only to slip his hand between them, Mark gasping as he gently wrapped his fingers around his cock and stroked over it.

“Christ,” gasped Mark again.

He closed his eyes to try to control himself, but it was bloody difficult when Seb was touching him like this.

“Oh god, sweetheart.”

Sebastian slowed his hand and leaned in to whisper in Mark's ear.

“Liebling.”

“Mm.”

“The bottle of lube I had in my suitcase from our holiday. I forgot to take it out.”

“Hm?”

Sebastian lifted his head to try to get Mark's proper attention and removed his hand, knowing what a distraction that was. He put his hands either side of Mark on the bed and held himself over him.

“I noticed before, when I was unpacking. It's still there.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian lowered himself carefully into Mark's chest and looked up at him through his lashes.

“Unless you don't want to?” offered Seb.

“Oh my god darling. You know perfectly well what that does to me too.”

Seb tried pouting, but his cheeks couldn't hide a smile. Mark huffed a little laugh and lifted his head to kiss him.

“Okay, where's your suitcase?”

Sebastian grinned and gave Mark another quick kiss before pushing the duvet aside and leaping from the bed to go fetch what they needed. Meanwhile Mark found the remote and switched off the long-forgotten film before Seb clambered back into bed with him, both of them wanting to forget everything else tonight and remember only why they should celebrate being here at all.

 

By the time he was back with Mark, Seb's heart was pattering with excitement at having to dash in and out of bed, but as he bounced back next to Mark, Mark kissed him slowly before leaning Seb to lie back on the bed. He held himself over him, wanting them to take their time. Sebastian felt it in his movements and the way he looked at him, hungry yes, but something softer there, almost like reverence. Sebastian looked back up into Mark's eyes and wanted to say something, but seeing the depths there words failed him. Mark leaned onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow to spare a hand which he smoothed over Sebastian's chest, his arm and then up, cupping the side of his face and stroking over the rounded cheek with his thumb. Mark gave Seb a gentle smile before leaning in to kiss him.

The kiss was slow and soft, but it still took Seb's breath away. He closed his eyes and went with it, matching Mark's pace as he began to understand what Mark needed from this. As Mark lifted away he looked down at Seb again and Seb simply lay there looking up at him, their eyes locked until Mark gave him a little smile and leaned in to begin kissing his body, wanting to kiss every part of him, slowly and softly to appreciate it. When Mark did this kind of thing it often made Sebastian giggle, the skin tickling as the nerves beneath jangled with anticipation, but the mood was quite different now, so he lay silently, letting Mark go on. Seb breathed as slowly as Mark kissed, closing his eyes occasionally when it almost got too much to keep himself in check. They were definitely taking their time tonight.

 

Eventually Mark made his way back up and moved to lie on top of Sebastian, kissing his lips softly at first and then harder, taking Seb's breath away as those lips parted, tongues invaded and slowness was forgotten for a while. As Mark lifted away to gasp in air he pushed up on hands either side of Seb on the bed to take the weight off his chest so he could breathe properly. He looked down at Sebastian, observing how beautifully dark Seb's lips went when they kissed like this, so pink they were almost red, like strawberries. Mark smiled at that thought, thinking how appropriate that was when he wanted to devour them.

He shifted off him and rested by Sebastian's side, reaching almost unconsciously to put his hand at Seb's jaw, eyes fixed on those lips as Mark carefully placed his thumb so he could ghost it over them, skimming ever so lightly across from one side to the other, first along Seb's full lower lip, then the upper. Mark took in a deep breath as he thought how once apon a time he had done the same and felt guilty for it. Such a long time ago. Seb hadn't been his then, but oh how he had wanted him. Maybe he had always wanted him and that had been the problem between them? If only he had known that Seb wanted him too.

They belonged to each other now, never to be parted, never. Seb was his and Mark never wanted to let him go. Those incredible lips his to touch, to kiss, to worship. To live for the times Sebastian pressed them to his own, or touched them to his body in any way at all. Just to look at them was a privilege and a joy.

Seb's body was so perfect, so beautiful, so soft in ways no one else would ever know. How could anyone have hurt this body? Spoil this fair skin with bruises? Dark bruises marring such perfection. Terrible memories pushed in of Seb revealing to him that first hint, one bruise on his arm and what it signified. It was so much more than Mark could comprehend at the time, but it was the beginning. Seb in the lounge at home so long ago now, exposed and vulnerable and desperately trusting Mark to care, to help him, to make the nightmare stop. Seb laid out prone on a hospital bed, wires and tubes and bruises across his shoulders and down his chest, telling the story of the crash that nearly killed him, that _did_ kill him, only for Seb to come back thank god.

The nightmare while he waited for Seb to wake had been Mark's. The desperation so real Mark could still feel it clawing inside whenever Seb was in danger. If Heikki had found a way to get hold of him again, if he had hurt him, touched him even, if he had done anything Mark would have killed him. His death was a release from ever needing to think like that ever again.

Seb belonged to him, to protect and care for, to love and cherish, just as he belonged to Seb and Mark would give anything he could, anything Seb asked, anything he wanted or needed, anything at all.

 

Mark closed his eyes to take a calming breath and Sebastian lifted a hand to place it at the side of Mark's face to get him to open them.

“Liebling.”

Mark looked at him and sighed.

“Are you okay?” Seb checked, wondering what was going on in Mark's head.

Mark gave a little nod and moved so he was lying half across him. Sebastian turned his head so they were looking at one another.

“I just love you so much,” explained Mark.

“I know, it's okay. I love you too Liebling.”

“Yeah.”

Mark sighed and Sebastian reached to kiss him, smoothing his hand over Mark's side, continuing to take things slow for a while until Mark seemed to come back to the moment, the kiss deepening and increasing in fervour. Mark shifted to lie on top of him and Seb instinctively parted his legs as Mark's hand reached to touch him, getting things going because he needed more than this now, he needed them to be a part of each other, to be one, to be everything. No more thinking, he just needed to feel that they were truly together and that everything was okay.

  
  


  
  


After, as they lay still feeling the ripples of aftershocks run through them, Mark rolled them so Seb lay on top. They weren't parting, Seb merely let his legs fall from wrapping around Mark so he could stay like this, crushed into Mark's chest, his cheek pressed tight in as he held on as tightly as possible, not wanting the connection to end any more than Mark did. Sebastian had his head turned on its side, his body curled in. Mark fitted his arms right around him, one hand going to smooth over Sebastian's spine. He could feel how rapidly Seb's heart beat, the sensation feeding into him, just as every flutter of muscles inside ran through Mark, making him want to hold Seb even tighter.

Seb's eyes were closed as he felt the security of burying himself in Mark like this just as Mark was buried in him. He always felt at his most vulnerable and safest at the same time in this moment, floating, but safe from drifting away as Mark anchored him. Strong arms around him that wouldn't let him fall, Mark's solid chest beneath him, breathing in and out as one. Seb breathed in Mark's comforting scent: strong. He could never find a way to describe it any better than that, but that was all he needed: strong, Mark, his. The words floated through Sebastian's head. Protected, loved, secure. Once Seb had had no idea that sex could make him feel this way and all this time later it still felt like a revelation. Life could be this good, this wonderful and Seb got to have that life. He wouldn't give it up for anything.

Mark kept one hand firmly holding onto Sebastian around his middle and with the other he stroked further up Seb's spine, all the way up to the nape of his neck where Seb's dark blonde hair curled, damp with sweat, but soft, so soft. Mark took in a deep breath and angled his head to look down at Sebastian. He was pressed in so tight it was as if he was trying to disappear into him. Seb was still breathing heavily and his eyes were closed, but Mark knew Seb wasn't asleep, he just hadn't come back yet. Mark just let him take his own time as Seb had let him before. Mark kissed the top of his head and moved his hand to cradle there.

  
  


Neither moved until Sebastian eventually took in a deeper breath and turned his head a little more to snuffle his nose into Mark chest, making Mark smile as he moved his hand down to smooth over Seb's skin. Seb finally opened his eyes and a smile crept over his lips as he looked up.

“Hello.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Hello darling.”

Mark stretched his head down to kiss him as Seb reached to meet him, but they weren't really in the most comfortable of positions, so Mark put his hands at Seb's waist to help move him.

“Come here sweetheart, just...”

Sebastian closed his eyes as an unhappy little noise escaped his lips at the loss of Mark. Mark hated that moment almost as much as Seb did so he pulled him level and kissed him, stroking over his lower back again to soothe him.

“Okay?” he checked.

Seb took in a breath and sighed it out as he looked at him.

“Yeah.”

He lowered back in, his cheek resting at Mark's shoulder now.

“Hmmm,” sighed Seb.

Mark matched his sigh, then gave Seb a little squeeze before angling his head to rest his forehead into Sebastian's, their noses pressed in. It had gone dark, but there was still just enough light to see into each others eyes that were so close. They should go shower, sort themselves out to go to sleep, but they weren't moving, they weren't going anywhere. They were together as they should be. It was how they would get through this.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure you'll be stunned to learn that this is definitely going to be a multiple chapter chapter. Let me know you're caught up and I'll try to hurry up posting.


	169. Press Cuttings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit late on a Saturday night but I spent most of my time writing on the train, so here you go if anyone's around to read.

* * *

  
  


 

The next morning both Mark and Sebastian woke in an improved mood, but as they arrived at the circuit it was to find it was noticeably busier and their hearts instantly felt more weighed down. To any of the cameras pointed in their direction as they walked down the paddock their might be little outward sign of any nerves except perhaps the fact that their hands remained tightly clasped, but Mark could see it in Seb's eyes and they way his smile was more fixed. He made no comment on it seeing as he knew it was likely to be a tough day for Seb, perhaps the toughest of the weekend. Mark was far more concerned with tomorrow when Seb got back into the car, but it was the media that bothered Sebastian the most.

The weather was fine for early September but that didn't do a lot to improve things, though Mark did accept that it was at least better than rain, even if they were likely to be spending the majority of their day indoors. Britta was with them, though she walked a step ahead in what Mark referred to as 'line-backer' mode to turf any unauthorised media approaches out of the way as they walked along and seeing as _no_ media was currently authorised, she was giving out some fairly steely glares to anyone who got in their way.

Sebastian considered Britta to be babysitting him when she felt the need to escort him everywhere, but that didn't mean he wasn't glad she was there today. He needed her on his side if he was going to get through the weekend. Last weekend had been difficult, but this felt worse somehow, though he wasn't entirely sure why. Talking about Heikki, or more accurately, trying _not_ to talk about him was pretty much top of his list of thing Seb would want to avoid, but maybe it was relief that he had got through that, or maybe it was the start of him gaining a little distance? Over that it was more that had been mostly about him and how he felt about it. This was about how those closest to him felt. He worried about how Mark was going to cope. He worried how his family at home were feeling.

 

“You okay?” checked Mark as they entered the RedBull base.

“Hm? Yeah.”

Mark tipped his head a little to the side to examine him but Seb just gave him a little smile.

“I'm fine. Britta, when do you need me?”

Britta looked up from her phone which she had begun checking the minute they were away from the public.

“Um, half an hour?”

“Sure.”

  
  


 

Half an hour later they were back in the hospitality area where Britta came to meet them to whisk Sebastian off to her office for some media prep as well as a chat with Christian and Mark was left twiddling his thumbs once more. He had just finished replying to a text from Fabian and was trying to work out the time-difference to Queenbeyan to see if it was reasonable to call his family when a hand clapped down onto his shoulder making him jump.

“Thought I'd find you here.”

Mark swung around to see DC standing by him.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Can I join you?” asked David.

“Um, sure.”

David took the seat that had been Sebastian's and waved to a waitress to bring him coffee before smiling over to Mark.

“So I thought you wouldn't normally be here yet, but JB texted and said that you were, so, yeah, anyway.”

“Good to see you,” nodded Mark.

“Where's Seb?”

“With Britta.”

“Ah.”

“Mm.”

David nodded slowly then blew on his coffee before taking a sip, contemplating what to say.

“He alright?” he enquired, trying not to sound too heavy.

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“He's fine. He's busy preparing how to answer that question a thousand times over this weekend.”

“Right.”

“So if you could, you know, _not_ ask him that question this weekend I think he'd appreciate it.”

“Sure.”

“I mean officially as it were. I don't mean...”

“It's fine Mark I understand. I've no plans to interrogate him live on air.”

“Yeah, well you may be the only one.”

“I'm sure people won't be that insensitive.”

Mark coughed a dry laugh.

“Write down when you said that.”

David gave him a look and Mark sighed heavily.

“Sorry. I just... He has to the press conference this afternoon and, I dunno.”

“You're worrying,” presumed David.

Mark looked at him.

“I'm talking to a friend here?”

“Of course you are. Look if we're ever on the record I'll say we are.”

“Sure.”

“And I don't anticipate that's gonna happen this weekend, right?”

“No it's definitely not.”

David looked over at him.

“Are _you_ alright?”

Mark puffed a long breath and shrugged. David nodded back.

“Yeah. Wanna talk about it?” he enquired.

“Not really.”

“Okay.”

Mark sighed and looked over in the direction of the offices where Sebastian had gone.

“Sorry. I don't mean to be so shirty.”

“That's okay. I think you've every right to be however you want to be this weekend. I know it's gonna be tough.”

“Yeah.”

 

DC looked about them. There were a few others in here, but it wasn't busy yet. It was only Thursday so it was still just those who really needed to be here.

“I can't imagine how it's going to be for you to watch him race around the track here again.”

Mark rubbed at his jaw.

“I've seen him back in the car plenty of times since then. It's no different really.”

“Really?”

Mark huffed the driest of laughs and shook his head.

“No. Of course it's different. Even walking into the garage yesterday...”

“It was difficult?” guessed David.

“Maybe more for me than for him. I don't know, obviously it's not easy for Seb either.”

“But he doesn't remember it does he?”

“No.”

“And you do.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark felt the weight of that and without warning he felt a wash of emotion and had to close his eyes and swallowed. As he reopened them he saw DC looking awkward.

“Sorry,” he apologised.

“No mate it's fine,” assured David. “I can't imagine.”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm okay when we're together, pretty much anyway. But yeah, watching him get into the car tomorrow... tough doesn't cover it.”

“Yeah.”

“The problem is it's not really rational. I know he's a good driver. I know the team will, my god, I can't even estimate how many hours they'll have spent ensuring the car is as perfect as they can make it, but it's not about being rational.”

“No, I can see that.”

“I don't even think I'm really worrying that anything would even happen, you know, again. Not really.”

“Although you _do_ worry.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Mate I worry every time he drives out of the garage.”

“Sure.”

Mark looked back at him and was tempted to tell David that he was still struggling to get past worrying any time Seb even left his side after finding out Heikki had been stalking him again, but even as a friend Mark didn't want to do anything to stop the rumours from last weekend dying out, so that was best kept to himself.

 

“Anyway, so yeah, that's just how it is and I know he worries the same when I'm driving. That's just how it is for us, but this is different.”

“Of course it is.”

“It's not a logic thing,” repeated Mark.

His gaze drifted to the side without him realising and David waited a moment before speaking.

“Mark is there anything I can do?”

Mark looked back to him and shook his head.

“Thanks but no, not really. We just have to get through this weekend. It's just, you know, all of it; bad memories, ridiculous irrational fears which I really can't do anything to stop no matter how many times it turns out okay and just... worrying about him, Seb, and how he's handling it all, the media mostly.”

“Yeah.”

Mark huffed out a breath and shook his head.

“I'd better have been talking to a friend there.”

“You are Mark. Okay? My word is actually worth something you know?”

“Yeah, sorry. I just...”Mark sighed. “So when you ask if I'm okay this weekend, I think the answer is no mate.”

“No. Well if it's any comfort at all I can at least promise you we won't be giving Seb a hard time this weekend,” promised David.

“Thanks, one lot down.”

“Yeah. I mean there will be a piece on it and it's gonna crop up. We can't avoid it altogether.”

“No I get that. It's the big story this weekend.”

“Mm.”

“And I'm betting your producer asked if you could use your connections to get an interview?” posited Mark.

“Well yeah, but I told her it was a no go. Britta pre-empted a whole lot of that anyway.”

“Good.”

“Yeah, but you're right Mark, of course there's gonna be focus on it, but we will try to keep it positive, focus on how well he's done since he came back.”

“Sure, well thank you for that.”

“I'm sure plenty of other people will too Mark. It is a good news story you know?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Seb made the heroic comeback, he was back in the car what, eight weeks later?”

“Mm.”

“You got married, you're happy... It's a positive story,” insisted DC.

“Yeah. And the stuff from last weekend?”

“We didn't cover it Mark. It was gossip and not, you know, the usual paddock kind.”

“Was that you?”

“Hm?”

“Deciding it shouldn't be covered? Heikki.”

“Oh, well I said my piece, but it was a production decision. Sure we include paddock gossip, but racing stuff, team stuff, the driver market. We're not a tabloid.”

“No, okay sorry. I'm pretty sensitive right now.”

“Sure.”

 

“I heard he's not doing any interviews,” stated David. “Beyond the standard anyway.”

“Yeah. That's quite enough to be honest.”

“Mm and he's got the press conference this afternoon?”

“Yeah. It really seems unfair, but there you go.”

“I've no doubt it's deliberate,” allowed DC.

“I've no doubt either,” Mark agreed dryly.

“I don't do those things,” David pointed out.

“No, that's okay.”

“Lee does. Do you want me to have a word with her?”

Mark sighed.

“I dunno mate. I'm not sure it works that way. It's an open forum, that's kinda the point. Anyway Lee's alright. I'm not worried about her, it's, god I don't even know, some shitty little reporter looking for a story by getting a reaction out of him. If that happens...”

“Yeah.” David sighed. “Sorry. I can see why you'll be worrying.”

“Seb'll find a way through it, he always does somehow.”

“Yeah. You on the other hand?”

“I'll probably have to be held back from flattening them.”

David tried a small smile on him.

“At least that would give them a different headline.”

Mark managed a smile back.

“True. Maybe I should just try that first and scupper the whole event?”

“As long as it's not me you punch, we're fine,” assured David.

Mark shook his head.

“Jaw like that, I'd break my hand.”

“Ah well.”

“I'll just have to stand on the sidelines and restrain myself,” admitted Mark.

“So you're going?”

“Can't not. I try to convince myself I'm being supportive, but the truth is I can't stay away.”

“In case you need to leap in and belt someone?”

“Pretty much. I mean, not really, but I still need to be there.”

“Sure. Well, hopefully it won't be so bad. He's not the only driver on the panel.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You wanna bet what percentage of questions go Seb's way?”

“Hm, well there's the title battle to discuss and a few driver moves.”

“Yeah.”

“And if you're really lucky the Mercedes drivers will start a new feud this weekend.”

Mark gave him a wry smile.

“If they could kick it off at the start of the press conference this afternoon that would be very helpful.”

“I think only Lewis is down to participate,” noted DC.

“Yeah but if Nico just popped along and slung some sarcastic remarks from the sidelines that would be good.”

David smiled.

“If I bump into him I'll see what I can do.”

“Thanks mate, much appreciated.”

  
  


  
  


In Britta's office Sebastian sat nodding through all of her advice, though the fact that Mark was going to have to endure being only a few feet away was in his mind too. He could tell Britta was trying to read him, but Seb didn't want to give too much away, even to her. The truth was for all her tips and suggestions on how to answer or not answer tricky questions Seb knew as she did that there was no way of predicting exactly what he was going to be asked or even how he was really going to react when it happened.

“I'm sure the moderator will try to at least spread the questions out amongst you before opening it up to the floor,” offered Britta.

“Yeah.”

“Though I don't know if he will start with you or Lewis. I mean Lewis is leading the championship, but...”

“Mm, okay well I guess if I work on the basis it'll be me at least I'll be ready,” suggested Seb.

“Exactly.”

“And the odds on that question being 'How does it feel to be back after last year'?”

“Are fairly sky-high,” admitted Britta. “And indeed every variation on that from others, but that's going to be the case for much of the weekend, at least until the running on track starts.”

Sebastian huffed a dry-almost laugh.

“I'm fairly sure it will then be 'how did it feel to be back on track after what happened last year?' and then 'how will it feel to race after what happened last year?'”

“Yeah I'm afraid so.”

“Can I just tell the I don't feel anything?”

“If you want to,” agreed Britta, knowing he was mostly joking. “Seb you can say whatever you want to. If you want to be honest, then tell them as much as you want to, but you're not obligated to reveal anything personal.”

“I'm not obligated, but they'll ask anyway.”

“Mm, well just have a think what you're prepared to give them.”

“Yeah.” Seb paused. “I'm not gonna lie, but I don't know. I guess it depends on the question.”

“Well just as a fall-back 'I'd rather not get into that' is your general get-out,” Britta reminded him.

“Sure.”

“And once we're past the open conference this afternoon you give me the signal and I'll step in and say that on your behalf, but just with the open forum...”

“Sure, yeah I got it.”

“Okay.”

 

Britta's phone buzzed and she picked it up.

“Sorry, just a sec,” she apologised.

She scrolled through a message on her phone, then clicked on a link and failed to hide a sigh.

“What is it?” asked Sebastian.

Britta looked up at him and he could tell from her expression that it was about him. She sighed again and ran a had through her hair wondering if there was any way she could soften this.

“What is it?” Sebastian pressed again.

“Okay, so this has just come through. Which is to say the team back at base have just picked up it's gone online.”

“Just now?”

“Yeah.”

“ _What_ though?”

“When you went out on track yesterday.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Pictures?”

“Yeah. I'm sorry Seb.”

Sebastian pushed out a slow breath. It had felt like an incredibly private moment, but they had been aware they were in an area visible to others.

“Okay. Yeah, alright you did warn us.”

“Mm, well.”

“Is it just pictures, or I don't know, is it a newspaper?”

“It's a few different papers, same pictures though apparently. I'm guessing the photographer hawked them around.”

“Right.”

“And, well you know ten minutes from now they'll be everywhere.”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb, knowing only too well how this worked by now. “It's just us out on track, right?”

“Yeah. I'll just get it on the laptop. Do you want me to go get Mark?”

“I'd better get him.” Seb paused. “It's not bad is it?”

Britta shook her head.

“No just... just the two of you being close really and then, well, on the one I'm looking at there's a byline, just a paragraph really on the fact you're back here and speculation that it's emotional for you.”

Seb shook his head.

“How insightful of them.”

“Yeah it looks pretty thrown together to be honest. I suspect they only got the pictures this morning and there's a race to get them online before others do.”

“Yep. Okay I'm gonna go get Mark before someone else tells him.”

“Okay.”

  
  


Sebastian walked out into the hospitality area to find Mark still chatting with DC. Mark looked up as he approached.

“You done?”

“Um, no. Sorry Liebling could you come through a sec?”

“Hi Seb,” greeted David.

“Hi, sorry, I um, yeah, sorry Mark, Britta needs you a moment.”

Mark already guessed from Seb's fixed expression that Britta didn't just want a chat with him, but he didn't want to say anything in front of David so he merely nodded and got up, apologising to David for abandoning him. As they walked away Mark looked to Seb and asked him quietly.

“What's going on?”

Sebastian shook his head and gave him a look, waiting until they got closer to Britta's office before pausing and turning to Mark.

“You know how we went out onto the track yesterday?”

“Yeah.”

“And Britta warned us how there was a chance someone might take pictures.”

“Oh.”

“Mm.”

Mark sighed.

“Damn.”

“Yeah.”

“Where are they?” Mark asked.

Sebastian shrugged.

“It just came through. She was pulling it up so I thought I should get you.”

“Of course. Right, well...”

 

Seb nodded and pushed the door open so they could go in. Britta had her laptop open and as they walked in she got up from her desk and turned it around for them to see. Mark sighed and shook his head to see the succession of photographs clearly taken with a long-lense showing them walking on track, holding hands and buried in a hug. He looked to Seb and hated the sag he could see in his shoulders. Mark rubbed over his arm and Sebastian shrugged.

“We knew it was a risk,” admitted Seb.

“Yeah I know, but still.”

Sebastian sighed and shook his head.

“I just... It felt private. I know that's stupid when we were right out there.” He looked over to Britta. “You warned us.”

“Mm,” agreed Britta non-commitally. “Well, I guess, I mean I know it's intrusive, but it's not really anything different to what they've printed before.”

Even as she said it Britta knew that wasn't entirely true. The closeness captured in the pictures might be the same, but the circumstances weren't and the fact that she had warned them made no difference to it hurting to see them made public.

“I'm sorry,” she apologised. “But there's really nothing I can do to stop these circulating.”

“Are they everywhere already?” asked Mark.

“I've only scanned a few newspaper websites, tabloids really, but you know how this goes.”

“Yeah.” Mark looked back to Seb. “Ah I'm sorry sweetheart.”

Sebastian shrugged again, not knowing what to say.

“Seb, look I appreciate this may not make you feel any better, but it is at least good we caught it now,” offered Britta cautiously.

 

Mark shot her a look, but Seb nodded, knowing advance knowledge was better than being hit with something when he was in front of the cameras and had no time to prepare himself to handle it. Vague questions asking how he felt about unspecified pictures a journalist had seen would only make him panic about what they could be. At least he knew now.

“Okay,” sighed Seb, “that's it though? There's nothing more?”

“Just a variation on the same and obviously... I mean people add their own interpretation online.”

“Of course they do,” commented Mark darkly, “everyone thinks they're in the know.”

“Liebling forget it, okay?”

Mark went to say something else, then swallowed it and nodded.

“Okay. Are you alright for a break now or do you have to get on?” he checked.

Seb looked to Britta who guessed they needed a bit of time alone after this.

“Have a break. Eleven-ish you're in the garage, lunch, then the press conference, track walk, media huddle, then...” Britta looked down at her list, then up again. “You're running the track with Antti?”

“Cycling.”

“Oh okay.”

Mark knew Sebastian was trying to get himself as used to being back out on the track as possible before he had to actually get in the car. It made sense he supposed.

“I guess they can get as many pictures as they like later,” proposed Seb.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark dryly, “they can fill their boots. Okay sweetheart let's just get five minutes upstairs shall we?”

“Yeah.”

 

Once in his room Sebastian stepped into Mark and sighed, leaning his head down on Mark's shoulder as Mark hugged him in.

“Bastards don't give a shit how it feels,” Mark commented angrily.

“No.”

Mark squeezed him in and they didn't speak for a minute, then Seb lifted up and they went to go sit on the bed together.

“We knew it could happen,” Seb repeated.

“Yeah that still doesn't make it okay.”

“No, well...”

Sebastian sighed and leaned into Mark's side.

“It's just how it's gonna be this weekend. Everyone watching, having an opinion.”

“They don't matter sweetheart, just ignore them.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“You think I should sit there in the press conference later just ignoring everyone?”

“Well...” Mark shrugged. “I certainly think you don't have to answer if you don't want to.”

“Yeah. It's okay Britta's already gone over that.”

“Okay, so?”

“I'll be okay Liebling. I've done this before.”

“Mm.”

“I think... I'm pretty sure Austin was tougher really,” asserted Seb.

“Maybe.”

Sebastian turned his head to look at him.

“I'm sorry. I know it might not be easier for you.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“I don't think either are easier. It is what it is.”

“Mm.”

“Are you going to be alright in the press conference?”

“Yeah. I'll be okay.”

Mark looked at him.

“Sweetheart any time you say, I can call up the plane and we're out of here.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh.

“We can't do that.”

“Yes we can.”

“Well okay so we technically can, but I can't.”

 

Mark took in a deep breath.

“You won't. I know that much, cos you get through stuff no matter how hard it gets, but I mean it darling. Change your mind and I don't give a shit what anyone says, we go home. I don't care about anyone else, I only care about you.”

Sebastian leaned back into his side and fitted his arms around Mark's middle. He knew they weren't going to do that, but it was nice to know the option was technically there if need be. He wasn't trapped. It was his choice to be here. He stretched up and kissed Mark's cheek.

“I love you Liebling.”

Mark squeezed him in.

“Love you too darling.”

Seb rested his temple on Mark's shoulder again.

“I think the dogs would like your option.”

“Yeah I think they would darling.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


All too soon they were stood in the holding area in the media centre, waiting for the cue for drivers to go through for the press conference. Britta had gone over to have a word with someone and for the moment Seb and Mark were left alone. They had said polite hellos to the others as they arrived but now the room was split into small groups chit-chatting to pass the time. No one in there was terribly surprised to see Lewis show up with his assistant at the very last minute, swanning in with sunglasses on as if he owned the place. Sebastian smiled and gave him a wave, thinking how he wasn't the only one projecting an image in this room. Lewis was in full 'too cool for school' mode, ready to show the world he really didn't care that Nico had won the last race and tightened the championship battle right up again.

If he'd been a betting man Seb would have put money on his friend stating that he wasn't counting the points if asked during the next half hour how he was handling the situation. It was, if you were being technical about this things, strictly speaking an out and out lie, but they all had to be creative with the truth sometimes. In Seb's book such things only counted as fibs seeing as everyone knew they were exactly that. He didn't want to directly lie in this session, but if they were getting technical then the odds were he was likely to say he was fine any number of times this weekend when he wasn't. It was just the way the game worked.

“Hey man.”

“Hey,” greeted Seb.

“And Mark, good to see you.”

“Hi Lewis. You know we're indoors right?”

Lewis flashed Mark a grin and finally removed his sunglasses, though the flat-brimmed cap and jewellery remained.

“Though if you're sitting next to me I might need mine,” joked Seb.

“Huh?”

“The bling. It's blinding.”

Lewis patted the heavy gold chain at his neck.

“You don't like it?”

“It's very you.”

“Thanks.”

Mark smiled, knowing that wasn't quite the compliment it sounded. He suspected Lewis knew as much, but didn't care. Britta beckoned Seb over a second and the moment he stepped away Lewis looked more serious.  
  


“Hey um, how's he doing?” Lewis enquired quietly.

“Fine really.”

“Right and you?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder and Lewis nodded.

“I saw those pictures,” he noted.

“Right.”

“Sorry I didn't want to say in front of Seb.”

“No it's fine.”

“You did know didn't you?” checked Lewis.

“Yeah we saw them. We knew it might happen.”

“Was that yesterday?”

“Yeah.”

“Mm. Sorry I meant to look you guys up but I only got here a couple of hours ago and it's been a bit hectic.”

“Sure.” Mark glanced over to see Britta giving Seb his clip-on mic and knew Lewis's assistant would be over to do the same in a moment. “Listen, mate. I know this is... I don't know, just, if he struggles, if like, god I don't know, if he gets into difficulty, can you please step in?”

Lewis looked back at him and Mark shook his head.

“I know it's competition and all that, but...”

“Of course man. I mean I don't really know what I can say, but...”

“Just say anything. Don't leave him hanging out to dry, please?”

Lewis could see the worry in Mark's eye and put a hand on his arm.

“Sure, whatever I can do.”

“Thank you.”

Lewis's assistant appeared at his side and all Mark could do was nod before he was swept away. Seb was back over with his mic in place and Mark gave him a smile.

“So you're all set?”

“Yep.”

“Good, okay. So...”

Sebastian looked into his eyes and nodded.

“I'll be fine. Done this before, right?”

“Sure.”

 

“Gentlemen if you could come through?” requested a handler.

Mark took a deep breath and took Seb's hand to give it a quick squeeze, then Britta was over.

“I'll be in at the side.”

“Sure.”

Seb wanted to ask what she could really do from there, but he just nodded.

“And I'll be back here waiting,” added Mark.

“Yep, okay, well, I gotta go.”

Mark nodded and gave him a smile which Sebastian reflected. He glanced up at the television screen fixed to the wall in here which showed one or two drivers already taking their seats and fiddling with the water bottles provided. He needed to catch them up.

“I'll be fine,” Seb assured one more time.

Mark stole a quick hug and a kiss before Sebastian had to rush away into the next room, slotting into the assigned seat glad to see that Lewis was indeed next to him on the front row.

 

  
  


Sebastian unscrewed the cap on the water bottle in front of him as Lewis leaned in to whisper.

“Big crowd today. Pretty sure they're all here for me.”

Seb turned and raised an eyebrow to see Lewis grin at him and ended up smiling back as the moderator did his introductions and kicked off proceedings.

“So, gentlemen, thank you for being here today. If perhaps I can start with you Lewis as the championship leader?”

Sebastian caught Britta's eye over to the side and knew that was her doing. It gave him time to settle in at least. Once Lewis had completed saying he wasn't worried about the standings and had already forgotten the last race, the next question came and Seb knew it would be for him.

“Sebastian, this is the first time you're back at Monza after your accident last year. How does it feel to be back?”

Seb looked out at the assembled rows of media all waiting to scribble down or record his answer. How did anyone really expect him to give a neat quotable answer to a question like that?

“I'm looking forward to getting going on the track tomorrow.”

“So you're treating it just like any other race?”

“Every weekend is slightly different, but yes, essentially.”

“Just down to business then?”

“Yep.”

“Okay, I believe you got some time yesterday to go see some of the marshals and medical team here at the track.”

Sebastian nodded. He wondered if that was general knowledge or if Britta had planted that too.

“Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you. The work the marshals and medical teams and really all the safety crews at all races are fundamental to what we do and none of us could race without them. So yeah, I wanted to thank them and yeah...”

Sebastian paused, trying to think what to add and Lewis glanced at him before speaking up.

“I think all of us would second that.”

He looked around to the other drivers who all nodded or added a few 'absolutely's and 'for sure's to the mix. Seb caught his eye and gave Lewis the tiniest of nods before the moderator spoke again.

“On that note Sebastian, do you feel that security measures in F1 are sufficient currently?”

Seb puffed a little breath.

“I'm sure we're all striving to make the sport ever safer.”

“But in the light of how serious your accident was a year ago, do you feel it is enough?”

“Well I'm still sitting here, so...”

Sebastian shrugged.

“You don't feel that we ought to have greater head protection on cars?” pressed the moderator. “There's been a lot debate lately and measures have been delayed.”

“Ah I don't know. It's not up to me. Of course you want drivers to be protected, but in all honesty halos, screens, full cockpits, it wouldn't have made any difference in my case.”

Seb opened out his hands and the moderator nodded.

“Indeed there's the argument that in your case such additions to the car could have delayed getting you out, which in the circumstances could have been... well, not good.”

 

Sebastian looked back at him. _'Not good'_. He kept his face impassive as he thought what an understatement that was. His heart had stopped. Mark had told him the doctors had suggested it was possible that the shock of being taken out of the car had been a factor, but maybe it hadn't? Maybe it was just the crash? If he'd been stuck in the car they wouldn't have been able to restart his heart. If he'd been stuck even another minute... You only had so long before it was too late and there was nothing to be done.

“What is your opinion on that Sebastian?”

Seb thought he must have been told how long it took for them to get him out of the car and how quickly they had treated him, but he wasn't sure exactly when he had gone into cardiac arrest, only that they had detected it and brought him back.

“Sebastian?”

Seb looked out at the rows of media.

“Sorry I didn't hear that, could you repeat the question?” he requested.

“What is your opinion on the possibility that increased cockpit protection could result in dangerous delays in extricating a driver after an accident?”

Sebastian took a sip of water. His family was watching, Mark, Mark's family too no doubt. He put the bottle down.

“It's good that they are testing any changes. I'm sure that's a factor the FIA are taking into account,” he answered, his professional mask unchanged.

“I'm sure. Well, thank you for your thoughts. Now, Esteban, there have been rumours about your seat for next year...”

 

Sebastian picked his water up again. He hoped he hadn't looked as though he wasn't paying attention. The moderator ran through his questions to cover all the attendant drivers, firing a few at Lewis before returning to Seb.

“Sebastian, there was talk of this track being dropped from the F1 calendar earlier in the year. Do you have an opinion on that?”

Sebastian sat up a little, glad of an easier question.

“Monza is one of the classic tracks, there's an incredible fan-base here and it's at the root of what this sport is about. I think it would be a terrible shame if it was lost from the calendar.”

“And what happened last year doesn't affect your thoughts on that?”

“No.”

“Okay, anyone else have any thoughts on that? Lewis?”

“Um, sure man, what Seb said. We like the classic tracks that have history and great fans. When you go out in the car here the stands are filled with flags and sure, most of them are red and the crowd here haven't always been in my favour, but the Tifosi are a part of F1 and I think we'd be crazy not to appreciate that.”

The moderator started asking the other drivers and Lewis leant into Seb.

“Did he think you were gonna say we shouldn't come here anymore?”

“Dunno. Maybe.”

Lewis looked at him and wanted to ask if Seb really was okay to be back here, but now really wasn't the time. The conference was opened up to questions from the floor and Sebastian braced himself as the first journalist gave his name and publisher before addressing him.

 

“Sebastian, you said this is just like any other race for you. Can that really be true?”

Seb wondered if he could just straight out ask the man if he was calling him a liar.

“That's how I'm looking at it. I have a job to do this weekend.”

The man looked as if he wanted to ask a follow-up, but the moderator had the microphone passed on.

 

“Seb, there are photos circulating of you on the track, I believe from yesterday, can you explain that?”

There it was, Sebastian glanced at Britta and was glad he had the heads-up.

“Well yeah someone took them and then I guess they sold them,” he replied flatly.

“Ah, um, no I meant why it was you were there. They appeared to be taken at Parabolica. Did you go to look at where you crashed?”

Sebastian looked over at the waiting audience. He presumed they had all seen the pictures and if they had seen them, then they knew where they had been taken and surely they had to know why he had gone there? He had two choices: refuse to answer, or tell the truth and invite more questions on the matter.

“I'd rather not get into that to be honest,” he tried.

“I'm sure it must be a sensitive topic.”

Seb tried not to sigh. To his side Lewis leant in to whisper.

“If he knows that why is he asking?”

Seb replied with a small tip of his head. Thankfully the moderator moved on, but it seemed the media didn't want to.

 

“Seb, it must be emotional to revisit Monza after last year.”

Sebastian looked back at them judging no question to have been asked and the reporter filled the gap.

“Um, so is your family here with you this weekend?”

“Mark's here, yes,” replied Sebastian thinking that the pictures rather confirmed that.

He spotted that the reporter was about to open his mouth again and Seb didn't want him questioning whether the rest of his family would be here, so he carried on.

“And you know while I'm here I should say how grateful I am for that and indeed all the support he and all my family have given me over the past year and always.”

 

“Sebastian...”

Seb looked out and wanted to remind them that there were other drivers available.

“... last time you spoke on the matter you said you didn't remember anything about the crash.”

Sebastian wanted to ask why they were obsessed with that fact. He'd lost count of the number of times this question had been asked over the past year.

“... is that still the case? Or did visiting the site of your crash bring things back to you?”

Out of the corner of his eye Sebastian saw Lewis pull a face at that question, but Seb didn't want to show any reaction.

“No.”

“Sorry, no it didn't bring anything back, or no you don't remember?”

“Both.”

“So none of that has ever come back to you?”

“No,” repeated Seb, feeling fairly sure he had already answered.

“Is that still a symptom of concussion you're still suffering from?”

“You'd have to ask a doctor how that works, but as I've said before, it's just gone, all that: The crash, the race, the weekend, everything from being in Italy a year ago, it's deleted. So there you go.”

Sebastian shrugged, trying not to look bothered, but the reporter went on.

“Isn't that strange?”

Seb turned the corners of his lips down a little and shrugged again.

“It is what it is.”

 

He could tell that the reporter looked unsatisfied, but the moderator moved things on.

“Lewis...”

Sebastian sat back in his seat. He hadn't even realised how he was hunching ever forwards as the onslaught of questions came. While a few more did the rounds Seb drank his water and tried to relax a little, though that was almost impossible as each time the microphone was moved on and a member of the media announced themselves he expected to hear his name again and soon enough things came back around.

 

“Seb, are you planning on going back to the hospital here?”

He stared out at the reporter and the man realised how badly phrased that had been.

“Oh I mean, sorry that was, that came out wrong, I meant seeing as you have been to see the medical team here to thank them, I was wondering if you were planning to do the same at the hospital where you were treated last year?”

Sebastian knew he ought to make a joke here, say something flippant about not planning on going to the hospital last year either, but all he could think was that Mark was a few feet away watching, his family at home, and how that comment must have made them feel. Seb looked the reporter in the eye and wondered if he felt guilty at all, or if he had any idea of the consequences words could have.

“It's a very busy schedule here. I'm sure we thanked them at the time, though of course I'm very grateful for all they did to help me and I'd like to take this chance to thank them again.”

 _Though not that they refused my husband access to see me,_ thought Sebastian, though of course he didn't add it.

“So you're not actually going out there?”

“I'm concentrating on preparations for the race.”

 

“Sebastian...”

“ _Seriously?”_ whispered Lewis sotto voce.

“... understandably you must be keen to put what happened last year behind you. Is that why you refuse to talk about it?”

Sebastian shook his head slightly as if couldn't have heard that right and looked to Lewis who helpfully laughed which did marginally lessen the tension Seb felt.

“Frankly I feel like I've been talking about nothing else,” Sebastian replied, more evenly than he felt the question deserved. “But yes I would like to move on.”

“Because you say you can't remember.”

“I'm sorry?”

“You say you can't remember,” repeated the reporter.

Sebastian didn't recognise him and he couldn't place the accent, though it wasn't English. He distracted himself by thinking how Mark would answer such a question.

“I say it because it's true,” he replied bluntly.

Sebastian let out a sigh. He had to address this or by failing to he would surely lend credence to the idea he was merely avoiding a difficult topic.

“As a few of you have pointed out, I had a pretty big crash and afterwards I was in hospital for a while with a serious concussion. One of the symptoms of which was amnesia. Some memories came back, most of them in fact, but the stuff all around actually being here never did. I don't know what else you want me to say about that seeing as I've said this all before. I'm not a neurologist, but you should feel free to consult one for an expert opinion on the matter. I saw many doctors. I've had my brain scanned, quite a few times in fact, and it's not like there's a dark patch where the missing memories fell out of my head. I had an excellent doctor who treated me for several months and I defer to her far greater expertise than mine when she says that this is just how it goes sometimes. Oh and you know what, while I'm busy saying thanks to everyone I should definitely say thanks to her and the nurses at the Radcliffe, because I do remember that. I remember how kind they were and how well they looked after us and I think that's more important.”

 

Seb hadn't meant to go on so long. He took a drink of water thinking it might have been easier to give a pithy _'I'm not lying, so why don't you fuck off?'_ as the answer, but Britta probably wouldn't have recommended it.

“Seb.”

Sebastian looked over and saw a familiar face.

“Lee,” he nodded back and got a smile in response.

“You didn't perhaps get all you were hoping from with the post-summer updates to the car in the race at Spa. What are your expectations for this weekend?”

Seb suppressed saying _'oh thank god_ ,' and nodded again.

“Yeah, well given the strength of the Mercedes that may depend a little on how these guys do,” he tipped his head to Lewis. “But of course we'll be striving for the maximum as always.”

“Good to know your commitment is undiminished,” smiled Lee.

“Thanks.”

 

“Sebastian...”

“ _Oh for the love of god,”_ sighed Lewis.

“... do you believe changes need to be made here to lower the speeds reached on this track?”

“Nope,” replied Sebastian shortly.

“Really?”

“Monza is a high-speed track. That's its character, it's part of what makes it great.”

“So you don't want it changed?”

“No.”

“How does Mark feel about that?”

Sebastian looked at them. He wasn't sure how to phrase _'none of your damn business'_ without it sounding rude.

“Mark is a racing driver.”

“So he doesn't feel that the circuit ought to be made safer, or your family for that matter?”

“Mark is family.”

Seb eye-balled the questioner and there was a short stand-off before the other cracked and spoke again.

“So he doesn't feel that changes ought to be made?”

“We've not discussed it.”

“But your family...”

“Support me as they always have. It may surprise you to learn we don't discuss track layouts at family gatherings. We have other priorities. My life isn't about looking backwards the whole time. I'd far rather look forwards, and speaking as a racing driver I can say it is far safer to concentrate on looking ahead than back. They make those mirrors on the car really small for a reason you know.”

“Also the aero,” chipped in Lewis.

Seb glanced to him and nodded.

“Yeah also that,” he agreed.

 

“Lewis...”

“Oh hey, I thought the rest of us had all gone invisible on you,” joked Lewis.

Sebastian smiled and gave a flick of his eyebrows in agreement.

“Hah, no, um, so Lewis there was some discussion last week following the summer break about your work-life balance.”

Seb caught Lewis's eye and recognised the same _'oh here we go again_ ' look he had on his own trigger questions.

“So I was wondering,” continued the reporter, “whether you thought that how you spend your time away from the track explains your failure last weekend?”

Lewis let out the longest sigh, then looked at the reporter.

“My failure being my second place finish?” he challenged.

“Well I presume it's not what you wanted?”

“No, but if I couldn't get the win then I'll take second over all the other available options. I'm still leading the championship.”

“I thought you said you weren't looking at the points?”

“I still notice if I'm top. It's the kind of thing that catches your eye.”

 

Sebastian hid a little laugh at Lewis's reply. He suspected plenty of people missed when Lewis was being funny because they thought he was merely being defensive. Clearly his response was noted by others because it brought another question his way.

“Sebastian you seem to get on well with Lewis off-track.”

“Um, sure,” agreed Seb with a sideways look to Lewis wondering what they were angling at.

“And yet you lead dramatically different lives off it. I was wondering what your opinion on that was?”

Sebastian frowned.

“I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're asking. We get on great off-track, but we're competitors on-track. That's not all that unusual in the paddock. I know that doesn't necessarily fit the narrative of all drivers being at loggerheads the whole time, but life is more complicated than that.”

“Sure, but, I mean, you live the quiet country life, concentrate on training, stay away from the media, you're not on Twitter or Instagram or any of that.”

“No, but each to their own, right?”

“You don't think that drivers should be committed to the sport?”

Seb sighed and was tempted to dismiss the question as nothing to do with him, but he thought about the times Lewis had stuck up for him and looked to his friend before answering.

“I don't think it's up to me to pronounce on the commitment of Lewis or any other driver, but I will say this; He's leading the title hunt, and looks all set for a third world championship in a row, so I would have thought that should tell you all you need to know, but seeing as some people seem to need things spelling out, I'd say whatever a person does in their private life, as long as it's not hurting anyone else, or you know, breaking the law, then they should be free to do it. I don't think I should have an opinion on what someone else does in their spare time, but as everyone's so keen to ask what I remember from the accident, I know several drivers came to the hospital in Monza which was good of them, but I was kindof out of it at the time. I do remember Lewis coming again to see me in the Radcliffe when I was in pretty bad shape there, so that I appreciate. Other than that, what he chooses to do on holiday? Really...” Sebastian shrugged. “You know what? My opinion really doesn't matter, but I think Lewis is entitled to do whatever the fuck he likes.”

 

Half the jaws in the room dropped as the other half started laughing. Sebastian looked to Lewis who shook his head, but was grinning.

“Ah man, you did it now,” laughed Lewis.

Sebastian shrugged and leaned in so as not to be picked up on the mics.

“They've been pushing me all afternoon. Fuck 'em.”

Lewis leaned back.

“Thanks though. I don't know why they think posting a picture of me water-skiing makes me a hell-raiser, but whatever.”

“You came to our barbecue.”

“Was that hell-raising?”

“I had a couple of beers.”

“Mm, I should tell them that,” agreed Lewis.

 

“Would you care to share what you are discussing?” asked the journalist who seemed to have recovered themselves.

Lewis smiled and looked out to them.

“Nope, other than thanks for being a stand up guy. You know what, Seb got over his accident in what was it, eight weeks?” He looked to Sebastian who gave a fractional confirming nod. “But some of you guys seem to be struggling to get past it a year later, so maybe there's a lesson for all of us?”

“And on that note, I think we'll call this a day,” leapt in the moderator, “the transcript will be available on the FIA website, thank you everyone.”

All the drivers began pulling off mics and standing to make a quick exit and Lewis leaned into Seb as they shuffled out from behind the desk.

“Do they have a bleeper on the FIA website?”

Sebastian merely smiled back. He knew Britta was probably going to jump on him in a moment but he wanted to get to Mark first. As they exited the conference room he thanked Lewis then only got a few feet into the holding room before he was enveloped by Mark hugging him. Over Seb's shoulder Mark looked at Lewis as he passed by and sent him a nod of thanks which Lewis returned before speaking to his assistant, putting the sunglasses back on and disappearing out into the paddock.  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Later in the afternoon Sebastian was walking the track with his guys, looking for any variations or changes that might affect the car when it went around the following day and discussing their plans for running in free practice and potentially the race on Sunday. It was also a good excuse to get away from the paddock and more specifically the media. Sebastian usually liked to get this time ring-fenced on his schedule though he knew some drivers didn't bother. He found it useful, even if it was perhaps at least in part psychological.

They were making the long walk down the straight towards Parabolica now and Seb noticed the way conversation was starting to drop off. He kept trying to restart it, hoping that no one was about to ask if he was okay. Sebastian glanced up at the blue sky.

“Do we think this weather is gonna hold?” he asked.

“At least as far as Saturday. Sunday we're looking a little more variable, though of course you know how that can change,” assured one of the strategists.

“Sure.”

They walked under the bridge and Seb thought how the undulation was hidden when you only saw this on TV. The reality was quite different. Reality was always different. That was why he had needed to visit the site of his crash to see it with his own eyes rather than just relying on the filmed coverage or the analysis by the team or even going around the track in the sim. None of it was the same as standing there looking at where it actually happened.

“Seb?”

“Sorry, yes?”

“So we'll see how that affects the oversteer in FP1,” repeated the engineer.

“Sure.”

Sebastian didn't really know what they had just been referring to, but they would go through it all in the sit down later, so he had time to catch up. He re-focussed his attention as they carried on walking along until they finally got close to the curve at Parabolica. Everyone in the group was looking straight ahead and the silence that had been threatening finally enveloped them and they slowed to a halt.

“So hopefully it'll help with the oversteer,” commented Sebastian.

The others looked at him.

“Through here, we should be better with the oversteer,” he repeated.

“Right.”

“You guys okay?” he asked them.

As one they all looked to him.

“Are we okay?”

“Yeah.”

The group looked to one another, then laughed and shook their heads.

“Bloody hell Seb. Yeah, we're okay.”

One of them patted Seb on the back and they carried on walking around the curve back towards the start-finish straight and the pitlane once more. The atmosphere in the group seemed to lift as they moved on and Seb spared one last look over to the far tyre-wall before looking back to them and continuing their technical discussion. As they got closer to the pitwall Sebastian's engineer looked over.

“I think I spotted a photographer on the other side there,” he observed.

“Yeah. I saw him this time. It's okay,” Sebastian assured him.

“Is it?”

Seb shrugged.

“It is what it is. They've got their pictures. At least Mark isn't here.”

“He didn't want to come?”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I'm sure he would have, but I'm working. He respects that.”

“Of course.”

“Doubt they'll want to print these with us in,” remarked one of the others. “Not half as good-looking.”

Seb laughed.

“No you're really not, and what are you doing saying my husband's good-looking?”

“Hey that's just what my wife says.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Actually I was thinking it's best Mark's not here if the guy doesn't want his camera smashed.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. Anyway it's fine. So we're all set then?”

“Sure.”

They walked back through the gate into the pitlane and back to the garage where Britta was waiting for Seb to escort him to another media session. At least this was one she was in control of though. Sebastian knew he would get at least half the same questions over again, but they could just have the same answers. It felt oddly as he had done what might be the hardest part of the weekend already. He knew the same wasn't true for Mark.

 

 

 

* * *


	170. Reality, Oh There Goes Gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blimey RL, Italian Grand Prix is almost apon us so I need to get cracking, so here we are into the actual racing.

* * *

* * *

  
  


By the time Seb and Mark reached the garage on Friday morning they had already spoken to both their families and had a quick meeting with Britta and Christian. Seb was torn between wishing people would make less of a fuss and being grateful they cared. He wished the media didn't care quite so much though. Britta had accompanied him and Mark as they made the short walk through the paddock from the RedBull base, doing her best glare out at the cameras trying to block their path and making it quite clear that they weren't going to stop for them.

It was still early and all Seb was doing was having an extra run-through with the engineers to prepare for FP1 and a chat with his mechanics. Normally Mark would have stayed behind having a coffee to kill time, but today he came with Sebastian and nobody questioned it, least of all Seb. They had to run the gauntlet to get back to the motor-home so Sebastian could change into his race-suit, then seeming in no time at all there were only a few short minutes before Seb was due to get into the car.

They went into the back to their usual spot and Sebastian could tell Mark was struggling. Usually it was Seb putting on the brave face, but Mark was the one forcing smiles today. He took a deep breath as both of them tried to think of anything to say, then they simply hugged one another in tight. Sebastian had his arms around Mark's neck and he pushed up on his toes to whisper in Mark's ear.

“I love you Liebling.”

Mark pulled him in tighter, then moved his head so they could look into Seb's eyes.

“I love you too darling.”

“I'm going to be fine today, okay?”

“Yep.”

“It's just straight-forward running, nothing fancy, no new parts. The guys have been through everything on the car and we're just going to do some set-up checks, test the lines, make sure everything's good, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Same as any other weekend,” assured Sebastian.

Mark nodded, though he hadn't loosened his hold on Seb.

“I know you'll be fine,” Mark asserted.

“Good, cos I will.”

“Yep.”

“And you'll be alright?” checked Seb.

Mark looked back and him and Sebastian sighed.

“I wish there was something I could do.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's alright. I'll be okay. I just have to go through this. I know you'll be fine. I just have to...” He took a steadying breath. “Yeah... I just have to see you do it. I think I'll be better once we get to FP2.”

“Okay. You're sure you want to be in the garage for this session?”

“Yeah.”

“I really won't think you're supporting me any less if you'd be better back in my room Liebling.”

Mark shook his head again.

“No I need to be here. I need to do this.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian loosened his hold and rubbed over Mark's arm.

“I love you so much,” reminded Seb.

Mark huffed a helpless little laugh.

“I know sweetheart, me too. Okay, you need to get going or they'll be wondering why you aren't in the car.”

“I'm pretty sure the team will wait,” asserted Seb.

“Mm.”

 

Mark didn't want to comment that the media would make a judgement if Seb delayed, but he finally let go of Seb, only to take his hand, steal a last quick kiss and then walk through. Sebastian squeezed Mark's hand before reluctantly letting go and walking over to his guys around the car, talking for a few last moments before going to get his helmet and gloves, putting in his ear-pieces and pulling on his fire-proof cowl before putting his helmet on, fixing his HANS device and readying himself to climb into the car.

Both Seb and Mark and indeed everyone in the garage were doing all they could to act normal, studiously ignoring the crowd of cameras fighting to point into the garage. Britta had gone to stand with Mark and gave him a little smile.

“You okay?”

Mark sighed.

“No. You?”

Britta glanced out at the cameras.

“There's nothing I can really do to discourage them.”

“I know.”

Mark took a deep breath and tried to take an example from Seb who was busy getting on with things just a few feet away. He set his shoulders back and stood tall, trying not to look as nervous as he felt. He had to be here to see this; to be with Seb for as long as he possibly could and to see him safely out of the car with his own eyes, preferably as soon as possible. All those bloody cameras he could do without, but Mark also knew that if he wasn't there they would pick that up and pass judgement. If anyone in the media dared to say he wasn't there for Seb this weekend Mark thought he really would lose the plot and belt the perpetrator.

He watched Sebastian climb into the car and hid a steadying breath, though Britta saw it. While Seb's guys leaned in around him giving him last second instructions and advice Britta took Mark's hand. She wasn't sure whether the cameras would spot it, but then she was past caring. Mark needed support and Britta wasn't sure she didn't need it herself. Seb was nodding as he listened, sitting back as the mechanics pulled the seat-belts tight. As he looked at them Sebastian thought he detected something in their eyes so he gave them a solid nod.

“Just a few installation laps to start, right?”

“Sure.”

“Okay, no problem,” Seb assured them.

He tested the radio to his engineers and replied in the affirmative as the car was started up and the time ticked down. He got the signal to go and Sebastian turned his head to look over to Mark, making sure they made eye-contact before he lowered the visor. Mark gave him a nod and Seb nodded back, both trying to tell the other that they were fine, that the other would be fine and that they would get through this.

“Okay Seb you're good to go, cars lining up in the pitlane now,” came the voice in his ear.

“Sure.”

Sebastian looked ahead out of the garage. There were so many damn cameras out there he wasn't sure how he was going to avoid running them over. He knew they would be zooming in on him, would have been for the past five minutes, seeking something in his eyes, commentators pronouncing on what they thought they saw there when they knew nothing, _nothing_ of what it was to be him.

He pressed the accelerator to rev the engine a bit, partly in warning to the media in his way outside and a couple of the team rushed out to start less than subtly pushing them out of the way as another went to the far side of the pitlane to check his way was clear and directed Sebastian out. The car pulled out slowly, crawling past the flashing cameras shoved as close as they could into his face and the light was so bright he had to close his eyes a second to stop himself being blinded, then he was past, turning the wheel and lining up to join the queue of cars all looking to the pitlane green light to tell them they were good to go for the start of FP1.

In the garage Britta squeezed Mark's hand. She sent him a sympathetic look but the second Seb was out of the garage and gone from sight, Mark's eyes were fixed on the large TV screens showing the cars waiting to go. He had his headphones on, listening to both the standard radio comms being given to Seb and the TV commentary which was all focussed on Sebastian.

Mark knew there were still cameras pointed into the garage but he wasn't going to look at them. He felt as though he might be trembling from head to foot, but he wasn't going to show that to the world, so he gripped Britta's hand and looked determinedly at the screen, letting the bland assumptions shared by the commentator about how this must be a trying day for Sebastian Vettel-Webber wash over him. They had no idea.

  
  


In the car Seb felt as though the light releasing them for the start of practice was taking forever to change. It was giving him time to think while he sat in a stationary queue. Time to think was the last thing he wanted. Seb had been concentrating so much on how Mark felt about today that he had been giving almost no thought to how he really felt about it. Perhaps it was best not to think at all, just to be an automaton going round, following instructions in his ear and operating the machine as he needed to? Definitely best not to think how it would feel to drive down and turn at Parabolica. Absolutely no thinking about how Mark would feel to watch it, or his family. None of that. Just drive. Sebastian was thankful he had been past the scene several times on foot or bike already. He had driven the track in the sim only last week. He could do this.

The light changed and the car in front pulled away. Sebastian pressed eased off the throttle and set off. Just installation laps, nothing more complex than that.

  
  


The FOM coverage followed a few cars pulling out on track, then cut to a helicopter shot shadowing Seb as he went around the circuit. Mark was thankful that Seb would have no idea that he was under such scrutiny, but in a way Mark was also thankful to see it. He wanted to see him go safely round. Mark was talking to himself in his head, trying to convince himself that once he had seen Seb do a full loop of the circuit safely then he would know he was really fine and he would calm down. As Sebastian's car was shown going through the bends of Ascari and onto the straight. Mark held his breath.

  
  


Seb lined the car up and pointed it straight forwards, putting his foot down to pick up speed as he knew he ought to at this point. He wasn't flat out though. Sebastian could see the curve in the distance getting closer and he couldn't stop himself just easing off a fraction. Not a lot, probably not visible to the eye, but he knew it would show on the data-screens. Then again it was only an out-lap, just getting a feel for things, no pressure. No pressure. He could just play it safe and build up. Just a couple of laps to ease in. Just a few laps to show the team and himself and Mark and his family and the world that he was fine.

Sebastian didn't stamp on the brakes as the corner approached. He eased down on them, scooped neatly inside the white lines and just like that the run-off and tyre barriers and everything in that corner of the track there was behind him and he was back on the start-finish straight, heading around once more. The radio came though in his ear and Sebastian wondered whether he imagined the note of relief in the voice as his engineer spoke.

“Very good Seb, we'll just have another two if you just want to edge things up.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking it was the politest way possible to tell him he could pick up the pace without being too harsh about it. Everyone was listening.

“Sure. No problem,” replied Seb in his calmest voice.

  
  


In the garage Mark let out a weak laugh. No problem. Sure. He thought he'd just aged another ten years in one lap, but Seb was fine. Of course he was. Seb was going to be fine. All Mark had to do was count down to the end of the ninety minutes session and wait for him to climb out of the car and then Mark himself might actually be fine too.

  
  


Sebastian really did feel himself switching back into something like normal driver mode after a couple more laps and he would have been happy enough to keep going, but it was perfectly normal to go back into the garage early in the session to feed back to the team on settings and make adjustments and as soon as he hit the pitlane slip-road Sebastian was thinking how it would be good to get the chance to lift his visor again and get a quick look at Mark.

He was met outside the garage by the mechanics who wheeled him back into his slot inside and Seb forced himself to speak to them and the engineers before he turned his head fully to look for Mark. As soon as he did, Seb could tell Mark wanted to come over to talk to him, but it wasn't the done thing so Mark stayed in place and all Sebastian could do was try to put everything into his eyes as he looked over.

Mark of course had been locked on Seb from the moment he pulled up outside in the pitlane. When Seb looked over Mark gave him a solid nod and something close to a smile. Seb had done okay in that little outing. He seemed really much the same as he always was when he was driving and indeed the commentators on television were making similar remarks, but Mark couldn't help thinking that was quite enough for today and he would be more than happy if Seb could just climb out of the car now and call it a job done.

It didn't work that way though of course and soon enough Seb was giving him a last look before setting off again, out to go faster, to push harder, to shred Mark's nerves into tiny pieces every time Seb rounded the last corner. If he'd been able to speak at all Mark might have told Britta that if Seb locked a brake at any point today he was going to have to lie down on the floor, but talking was off the agenda. They listened and watched and counted the minutes.

  
  


Sebastian did his best to treat the session just like any other FP1, following the instructions given by the team and sticking to the programme. He knew he was holding back slightly though. If asked by the media he'd probably deny it, but he couldn't stop himself playing safe, just a little. Seb wasn't consciously choosing to brake earlier and more gradually to save his loved ones the agony of seeing him go over the line at the bends of the track, but somewhere in his subconscious Seb couldn't quite let go and drive on the limit. Not yet, he wasn't there yet.

When he got back to the garage for the end of the session Sebastian apologised for his times lingering in the lower half of the top ten, but all he got in response was dismissive replies that it was early yet and he wasn't to worry about it. He knew why that was. Nobody wanted to feel they were pressuring him today, not even Christian, but as Sebastian climbed out of the car he knew that couldn't go on. They were letting him off for first practise, maybe even grateful themselves to get through the session without any scares the team weren't really up to today, but Dan was up there in fourth place and Seb knew he should be up there too, maybe even in third, do one better. He had to get back in the game or what was the point in being here?

 

Sebastian pulled off his helmet as he thought all about this. He'd given Mark a look and a nod as soon as he could, but Seb had to get business out of the way before he went over. Kit piled neatly on the side Seb ruffled a hand through his hair and shot Mark an apologetic glance before speaking with his engineers to be sure they had what they needed before he went off.

“It's fine Seb, we'll build from here, as long as the settings felt good.”

“Yeah I think so. I guess I need to push harder to be sure.”

“Mm, okay well we'll run over it before next session.”

“Seb, all good, yes?”

Sebastian turned to see Christian had come over from the pitwall. There was a note of forced optimism in his voice.

“Yeah. I think I was just saying we'll be pushing in FP2.”

“Sure and we've got the long runs.”

“Right, sure.”

Seb glanced over to Mark and felt awful for making him wait there so long without even speaking to him.

“Christian I'm okay to go over it before the start right?”

“Oh, yes fine. Yes if you're wanting a break first?”

“I'll come down early.”

“Sure. Okay well Britta will walk you back.”

 

Sebastian nodded. He didn't think that the media would have forgotten about him after one session of giving them nothing exciting to tie in to the narrative they had for this weekend. He thanked his guys then finally walked to the back of the garage to reach Mark and slipped his hand into Mark's to give it a squeeze.

“Sorry Liebling.”

“Sorry? What for?” frowned Mark.

“Making you wait.”

“Oh. No it's fine. You did good.”

Sebastian smiled, but he could still see some tension in Mark's expression.

“Are we heading back?” asked Britta, trying not to feel as though she was pushing in.

“Yep.”

“Okay.”

Seb rubbed his thumb over Mark's hand and they walked out of the back. The moment they were out of view Mark pulled Seb in and wrapped him in the tightest of hugs. Britta who had been a step ahead as ever, actually had to stop at the exit and look back as she realised she was no longer being followed. When she saw the way Mark had enveloped Seb, lowering his head down to rest into Sebastian's shoulder, not speaking, Britta knew she wasn't needed and took another step on to loiter in the entrance, looking out into the paddock to gauge if there were any media about she would need to circumvent.

Back in the rear garage Sebastian had been almost surprised by Mark's move but as he fitted his arms around Mark's middle he realised that he shouldn't have been. Poor Mark. Seb knew he must have suffered through every minute.

Mark knew he should let Seb go, give him a reassuring smile and apologise to Britta, but he needed another minute. He'd had to restrain himself from giving Seb this hug the moment he had eventually come over. Hell he'd had to stop himself rushing over and giving Seb this hug the moment he had climbed out of the car, but all those bloody cameras were watching and whilst Mark maintained he didn't give a damn what they saw, he wasn't enjoying him and Seb being a sideshow for gawkers this weekend.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Just over an hour later Sebastian was back in the garage, working with his engineers to prepare for the next session, Mark stood at the back again, nothing to do but stand there. As soon as they had got back to Seb's room they had exchanged another long hug before Seb felt he needed to call his family to reassure them, then Mark's seeing as they knew they were sat up watching too and no doubt worrying almost as much. Once that was done he grabbed a quick shower and then all Seb wanted to do was lie down for a while with Mark. Seb always found reassuring his family tiring and moreover he knew Mark needed that moment between them too. Neither one of them was interested in going down to the hospitality area for lunch. Sebastian wasn't hungry and Mark didn't think he could eat even if he tried, so in the run up to FP2 Seb stood leaning in looking at the data-screens sipping an energy drink while he listened and even Mark accepted that that would have to do today. He couldn't very well chide Seb for not eating when he wasn't up to it himself.

There were at least a few less cameras lurking at the edge of the garage at the start of the afternoon, but Seb and Mark still took their time out of the back to share private hugs and reassurances. As Mark finally let him go he gave Sebastian a nod.

“So you'll be fine?” checked Seb.

Mark huffed a dry little laugh.

“Isn't it me that's meant to say that?”

“Not this weekend.”

“Yeah okay. I'll be alright. Don't be worrying about me.”

“'kay.” Sebastian took a deep breath. “I have to push harder in this session, okay?”

He looked Mark in the eye and felt almost as if asking for permission, though Seb knew Mark would never accept that idea.

“Sure,” nodded Mark calmly. “It's fine, okay sweetheart? Don't be thinking of me. You just do what you need to do. Forget everything else.”

“It'll be a bit easier won't it? Now I've done it once.”

Mark smiled and gave a little shake of his head.

“Do you mean for you or me?”

“For you Liebling.”

Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart I told you, don't be worrying about me. I'm alright. All I've got to do is stand here.”

Seb gave him a look. They both knew that was it at all.

“I'm fine,” insisted Mark. “You're right, it'll be easier now you've done it once. Just got to get on with things now.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Just go for it.”

Sebastian nodded and gave Mark's arm a little squeeze.

“Okay, love you Liebling.”

He reached up to kiss Mark's cheek then lowered down.

“I've gotta go.”

“Yep. Love you too darling. I know you're going to go great.”

Seb gave him a smile, then took a deep breath and headed back into the main garage, the smile professional now.

 

Mark stood back in place and fiddled with his headphones to distract himself, waiting for the off, the last nod over before Seb was gone and he was left with everyone else in the garage knowing Seb was on his own now. The television commentary immediately focussed in on Sebastian. They didn't have much to report seeing as he was only doing his first exploratory laps, trying out the latest tweaks to the set-up of the car, but nevertheless the commentators seemed to think they knew it all, remarking on how perhaps it was understandable if Sebastian's confidence was affected and that reflected in his times from the morning. A few minutes later however Mark could hear on the radio that the team were advising him that he was well positioned on the track to have a fairly clear run so Seb wound up coming into the straight, already putting his foot down before the final corner.

Mark had to close his eyes as Sebastian put two wheels over the white line at Parabolica, but the movement was smooth and controlled and as Seb shot around into the straight he was off and a flyer. The helicopter stuck with him, alternating with cameras on the ground capturing his lap, as Seb deliberately put stresses through the car, edging the raised kerbs and Mark's heartrate at the same time. The tension level in the whole garage seemed to ramp up as Seb jinked through Ascari far faster this time, the straight, under the bridge, along the tree-lined speed-trap as the kilometres per hour rattled up and up as Sebastian kept his foot down for as long as he dared before finally applying the brakes and swinging the car around at Parabolica.

Even the commentary had fallen silent as everyone watched with bated breath to see Sebastian come around safely to cross the line.

“And that's a good time from Vettel-Webber. Into an impressive second place with that flyer which is something of a marker.”

“Though of course Rosberg still sits in the garage with the team working on his faulty power-unit.”

“True, true, but a good lap nonetheless. Something to answer his critics from this morning perhaps?”

Mark sighed then fixed his face into an unreadable mask as the television cut to a shot into the garage, closing up on him as the coverage chose to speculate on how the team and particularly those supporting Seb would feel. Mark could hear them saying how relieved he must feel and though it was true, he didn't want to show it. He didn't want to give them anything, so he pretended it wasn't weird to be looking at a screen showing him looking at a screen and hoped to god something exciting would happen on track to distract them, hopefully _not_ involving Seb.

  
  


Luckily the Mercedes garage seemed to have fixed whatever the problem was with Nico's car, so the coverage cut to show him finally heading out to start his curtailed second practice and Mark felt free to puff a breath as the spotlight was off him and back on someone else. Sebastian came back in the garage to fuel up for his long run and change tyres. As he grabbed a quick word with his guys and looked over the information on the screen put in front of him in the car, he stole a look over to Mark and gave him a little thumbs up.

The gesture was so sweet and unlike anything you were really meant to do as a cool racing driver it touched Mark more than he could say. He knew the odds were the cameras would pick it up, but he gave Seb a little thumbs up back and shot him a wink. Even though Seb kept his helmet on Mark was sure it raised a smile and that made him feel a little better. Too soon though Sebastian was off out on his long-run and Mark was left looking at the television screen hoping for a shot of him, but FOM had switched to covering the alternate laps of Lewis and his team-mate as they tried to beat each other's times.

  
  


In his pocket his phone buzzed. Mark looked to be sure that the television was still only showing Rosberg and talking about the intra-team rivalry at Mercedes, then pulled his phone out to check it. He half expected it to be another message from Fabian or his mother, both of whom had sent several messages asking for reassurance that both he and Seb were doing okay, but it was Jenson's name above the little envelope symbol. Mark flicked his eyes up to be sure he wasn't missing anything, then pressed the screen to show the text.

JENSON: You hanging in there bud?

Mark allowed the smallest of smiles to cross his face as he guessed he wasn't doing quite as good a job of hiding his emotions as he thought he had been. He listened on the radio to the team advising Sebastian what they were looking for with steady laptimes to begin his long-run in preparation for the race, then looked back to his phone to send a reply.

MARK: Just about. Do I look that bad?

Jenson was clearly waiting for the reply as another message bounced right back.

JENSON: You look handsome as ever despite the years. Jessy just wanted to check you were ok. Seb looks good.

Mark rolled his eyes at his friend always saying it was his wife who worried.

MARK: He's doing fine.

JENSON: And you?

MARK: It's hell. But what can you do?

JENSON: Not a lot I guess. Hang in there.

MARK: Thanks.

He fitted the phone away and fixed his eyes back on the screen despite the fact they still weren't showing Sebastian's progress. Hanging in there was a fairly accurate analogy. Mark felt as though he was clinging to the edge of a cliff by his fingertips and he still had another hour of this.

  
  


As Sebastian went round testing out tyre wear, finding the optimum laptime and seeing how the fuel lasted, the radio came through to tell him that while the Mercedes boys were still squabbling over the fastest time, Dan had sneaked ahead too and now Sebastian lay in fourth. Seb nodded slightly within the helmet. Fourth wasn't so bad. It was respectable and certainly far better than scraping the barrel in the lows of the top ten as earlier. Besides there was nothing much he could do about it now. He had a heavy fuel load and a job to do for the team. The engineers needed the data from this extended run to plan what he would do in the race. There was no point worrying about things. Seb knew what he needed to do and he was just going to stick to that, get what they required and finish the session feeling as though he was moving in the right direction.

  
  


  
  


By the end of the day Sebastian felt he could hold his head up high when he faced the media. Predictably they all harped on about the fact it was his first time back driving on the track here at Monza and none of them missed the chance to stick a microphone under his nose to ask him how he was feeling. Seb could have told them he was more concerned about how Mark was feeling waiting back at the base, or their families far away at home, but he didn't. Instead Sebastian refused to budge from the script Britta had run through with him; telling all and sundry that he was focussed on the task he had this weekend and was reasonably happy with how it was going, but hoped to build on it for the next day. It had the advantage of being true, so Seb didn't find it too hard to stick to, but if the media had hoped for him to pour his heart out they were just going to have to be disappointed.

When he got back to Mark he gave him the longest hug, then smiled as Mark told him of the texts he had received from Jenson and how he needed to take acting tips from Seb for the cameras. Sebastian kissed him then settled himself to sit beside him on the bed.

“No you don't Liebling, you're perfect the way you are. That's why everybody likes you.”

Mark frowned and Seb smiled and shook his head.

“You don't fake it well. It's a good thing,” he insisted.

“Hmm, well I'm just glad I don't have to go out and face the media today like you do. You did well by the way.”

“Oh thanks, yeah I dunno I didn't say much.”

“But you say it well.”

Seb huffed a little laugh at the compliment.

“Thank you. I just can't be doing with it though. What do they expect me to say?”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno sweetheart, don't worry about it. Anyway, what now?”

“I need to grab a shower.”

“Yeah but after that? Straight into debrief?”

Sebastian looked for his phone to check the time.

“Not until half past. God, I've got tonnes of messages.”

“No doubt half of them are from your brother. Okay well do you want to actually get some lunch seeing as it's nearly four pm?”

“Oh Liebling, sorry you must be starving.”

“Well I think I could actually eat now.”

“Alright, five minutes and I'll be ready.”

  
  


As soon as Sebastian was ready they went down, but with all the looks they were getting they took their food all the way up to the top level, usually reserved for interviews and team PR purposes, but no one was on the sofas out on the balcony level so they made themselves at home out in the open air. It was a little breezy, and it wasn't as warm or as sunny as it had been earlier in the week, but it felt nice to be out of public view. Sebastian found himself surprising hungry, but then seeing as he hadn't eaten since breakfast he knew he shouldn't actually be surprised. Between bites of food he attempted to send replies to all the texts on his phone and Mark had plenty he needed to reply to as well, so they didn't talk all that much. Seeing as Seb felt all talked out with the media it was something of a relief, but as he simultaneously finished his meal and the last text he needed to send, Sebastian let out a sigh and leaned into Mark's side.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. Pfff, I'm glad today's over.”

“Me too.”

Sebastian sat up a little and looked at him.

“Oh Liebling are you really alright? You're so brave.”

Mark let out a little laugh and shook his head.

“You're the one driving darling.”

Sebastian shook his head. They both knew that wasn't how it worked.

“Was at least a little bit better this afternoon?” Seb enquired hopefully.

“A bit, yeah.”

“Okay.”

“I'm sure it'll get easier each time darling, don't worry. It's like some kind of desensitizing therapy.”

“Really?”

“Mm, kind of.”

“Okay well I'll try not to be too long with the team now.”

Mark shook his head.

“Take all the time you need. It's only when you're driving that... well, you know.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian nodded understanding. “Okay well, more tomorrow I'm afraid.”

“That's alright. I know how it goes.”

“Yeah. What do you want to do tonight? Is there anything that will cheer you up?”

 

Mark sighed and smiled at the same time. He put his arm around Seb and squeezed him.

“You cheer me up darling. Anyway you're the one with the bigger task this weekend. We should be doing what you want.”

“I want you to be alright,” insisted Seb.

“I will be. I will, it's fine. You did good today and I'm sure you'll do great tomorrow.”

“One more day down.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah.”

“Okay so what shall we do? Do you want to eat out somewhere, get away a break from it all, or just eat at the hotel, get room service?” offered Seb.

“You're not fussed?” Mark checked.

“No whatever you like Liebling.”

Mark took in deep breath and thought. Ideally they'd be whisked back home to eat in their kitchen with the dogs at their feet, but even with a private plane at their disposal, that wasn't really an option.

“I dunno, room service, cuddle up, early night. That sounds pretty good to me.”

“Okay, we'll do that then,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark leaned into him. It still seemed wrong to him that Seb was the one having to support him through this weekend when to his mind it ought to be the other way around. Sebastian rested the side of his head against Mark's and they sat there for a moment in peace, the noise of the emptying paddock unseen below them. Mark gave Seb's upper arm and rub and turned his head to look at him.

“You know what, I think a nice relaxing bath might be in order,” he proposed. “How does that sound?”

“Sounds perfect Liebling.”

  
  


A blonde head appeared coming up the stairs to the open area and Britta popped up, coming over to them.

“Here you are.”

“Oh sorry Britta, am I late?” frowned Sebastian as he sat up away from Mark, looking to his watch.

“No I just could find you. Someone said you'd come up here.”

“Right, yeah we just wanted some space, sorry.”

“That's alright.”

Sebastian turned to Mark.

“I've got to get going. You okay here?”

“Sure.”

“I don't know how long I'll be?”

“It's fine. I'm not going anywhere, or well I might go back to your room, but I'll be in the building.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and stood up to go with Britta. Mark considered offering to go with them, but by this time of day the press had usually cleared off to the media centre to file copy and all the broadcasts had long finished, so they ought to be unmolested.

“No rush,” assured Mark. “I'll see you later.”

Seb gave him a little smile, then allowed Britta to lead him away, already talking about their plans for the following day. Mark watched him go and wondered how he did that. The way the media reacted when Sebastian said he was just doing what he always did at a race weekend you'd think he was lying through his teeth, but he wasn't. This was what Seb did; He coped, he managed, he did what he needed to do and most of it with a smile, even if that was the last thing he felt like doing. Mark supposed that had always been the way. It was what Seb had done when his personal life had been a waking hell. By comparison coming back to a track where he had survived dying the year before might actually be easier. Sadly for Mark the same couldn't be said for him.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A couple of hours later Mark lay gratefully submerged in a soothing warm bath, Seb in his arms softly molded into him. Sebastian had turned slightly on his side so he could rest his cheek into Mark's chest and his arm rested across him. There was sadly no bath oil provided by the hotel here, but there was bubble-bath, so they'd chucked that in for the hell of it and Mark couldn't help thinking how adorable Seb looked all covered in bubbles. He lifted one hand from holding onto him and scooped up a handful to stroke onto Sebastian's nose. Seb laughed and tried huffing air upwards to blow it out of the way but he was too comfortable to move to actually wipe his face. He smiled at Mark and gave a tiny shake of his head.

“Silly.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian sighed into him.

“I'm tired.”

“Do you want to get out?”

“No.”

Seb closed his eyes and Mark gazed down at his long wet eyelashes, thinking as ever how beautiful he was. Seb had done well today, both in driving and coping with the media, but even when he said he was fine Mark knew it took it out of him. He wasn't surprised when Sebastian fell asleep. Mark was comforted by the gentle way his body moved in and out as he breathed. He held him tight, partly so Seb didn't slip beneath the water level, but mostly because he never wanted to let him go.

 

 

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Saturday morning proved a re-run of the day before. Mark stood stoically in the garage while Sebastian did his best to give full focus to his work, trying to improve the feel of the car through third practice ready for the afternoon.

As they stood out the back prior to the start of qualifying Seb couldn't miss the way Mark wouldn't let go of his hand. He looked up at him, wondering what he could say to assuage his worries. Qualifying was all about going as fast as you possibly could and Seb knew Mark was anxious at how hard he would push. Seb also knew Mark would never tell him to go slower, that wasn't what racers did and Mark was a racer just as Seb was.

“The car feels good,” Seb assured him.

“Good, good okay then.”

“And everything was fine this morning.”

“Yep.”

Sebastian sighed and squeezed Mark's hand back.

“I'll be alright Liebling, okay? I'll be alright.”

“Sure.”

Mark finally let go of Sebastian's hand to wrap him in a hug, then whispered in his ear to tell him that he loved him. Seb did the same and then was gone again. Gone and Mark left nodding to Britta, trying to hold on to the feeling that hug gave him, the smile Sebastian sent across the garage before he pulled on his kit to climb into the car. It was just for him, nothing professional about it, like a lightbulb switching on across the room and out again when he was gone.

Mark looked at the screen and thought it through, steady warm-up, banker, back in, see how secure the time is, go again, should be plenty, back in to review things, then with any luck Q2 and the same thing over again. Barring disaster that ought to be fairly straight-forward and well within Seb's reach. He couldn't walk it, but with even a decent effort, Seb should be in Q3. It was all just the same as at any other circuit, any other qualifying session and throughout the first forty-five minutes Mark watched whilst repeatedly telling himself just that. He knew Seb would have to push harder in Q3, but then if he didn't Seb would end up in the mid-field for the start and then Mark knew he would only end up worrying more about that.

Seb had to push. They both knew that. Seb knew it as he set off on his outlap at the start of the last twelve minute session and Mark knew it as he watched from within the garage. There was no taking it easy in qualifying. It had to be all focus, all business, all eyes on the prize and car on the edge of what it could achieve. If Seb wasn't going to do that then he knew he might as well go home. The car did feel good. The balance worked and the power was responding. He just had to do it, ease things out as he went around, time things right so he had a reasonably clear run.

  
  


The weather was overcast and with a chance of rain all the teams who had drivers still in the mix for Q3 sent them out as quickly as possible to get a banker time in just in case. Unfortunately this also meant that the track was crowded and Seb's engineer came on, telling him to hold back and just crawl around the first sector, warming his tyres and brakes while others went on ahead. It put him all the way to the rear of the field, but that was no bad thing just so long as it stayed dry.

By the time he got to the third sector Sebastian was advised he had a decent space ahead and was good to go for the next lap. He started winding up as he reached the long straight, swinging out through the curve at Parabolica and putting his foot down as the start-finish line came into view and the timer clicked to zero. With everybody else ahead of him some cars were so far on that they were already coming around to the end of their first flyer, but that was good, it meant Sebastian would have a clearer road ahead as he pushed while others were slowing a sector behind him.

  
  


On the television Mark watched as FOM showed the first runners going over the line to set times. Mark was giving himself a silent talking to, reminding himself that he had to accept that Seb was going to be pushing things now, that he had to. It was normal and Mark had seen it any number of times before so he didn't need to get worked up about it now. Seb knew what he was doing.

  
  


Out on track Sebastian was hammering as fast as he dared around the outside of the long Curva Grande. One of the Toro Rossos was ahead of him, but as the track swung to the right it slipped out of view. Sebastian powered on, beginning to straighten up as the curve did likewise, heading towards the second chicane. He could see the other car in front again now, but it wasn't too close. Seb was tempted to ask which driver it was because they were certainly going for it, but he knew he had to concentrate on himself. If the car ahead was pulling away then maybe Sebastian ought to be going faster himself, but then Seb knew as they went into the upcoming double left-right bend through the chicane they would likely concertina up on one another.

Whoever was ahead was really powering into the bend at a heck of a rate, the car edged right, out along the racing line as did Seb, but as they got closer to the bend the Toro Rosso risked even more and moved over the painted line at the edge of the track, out onto the red white and green painted kerbing and then was sent wider onto the grass. The blue car veered wildly with the lack of grip, grass and dirt kicked up into the air as the driver tried to brake too late. Sebastian only just had enough time to stamp on his own brakes, his heart in his mouth. Everything inside Seb was jumping with a rush of adrenaline as he fought to slow the car, trying to control it whilst simultaneously watching what was happening with the out of control car in front of him.

The cameras filming homed in rapidly to flash the incident onto their coverage and as the commentators gasped at seeing the Toro Rosso crashing and bouncing off the barriers whilst Seb's car headed right for him, Mark didn't know how to breathe at all. Everybody stared at the screen and whole RedBull garage watched, eyes wide, hearts pounding, minds praying. Seb had to be okay. This couldn't happen, not here. He had to be okay.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliff-hanger alert!
> 
> Okay, so leaving it there is just plain mean, but it was either too short cutting earlier, or too long, so let me know you're ready and I'll put the next part up and, well, we'll see what happens next.


	171. You Only Get One Shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops, sorry, delayed by the Great British Bake Off, my bad!
> 
> Here we go then part two of the last chapter...

* * *

  
  


Seb had mere milliseconds to guess how it would play out and judge what he ought to do. It was barely even a conscious decision, but as the other car careered into the barriers on the right, then bounced off and skittered in a spin right in front of him, Sebastian slammed even harder on his brakes then threw his car down the inside heading directly over the centre of the chicane across the tarmac'd run-off there while the other car screeched to a messy halt in the middle of the track where the chicane bent left, its front and rear wings half off and carbon-fibre strewing all over the place.

Sebastian had had to bump over the high sausage-kerb on the way in and the way out as he cut the chicane to avoid becoming a part of the accident and the heavy bumps went all the way through the car, thumping into his coccyx and up his spine, temporarily knocking the breath out of him as he brought the car back into line on the track and continued on around at a slower speed, already knowing his lap-time was ruined.

The radio burst into life in his ear as Sebastian tried to pull himself together, his heart still pounding in his chest.

“Seb, are you okay?”

Not his engineer, but his boss, Christian sounding high-pitched and anxious.

“Yeah I don't know if the bumps might have damaged the underside.”

“No Seb are _you_ okay?”

Sebastian swallowed. He hadn't actually taken time to consider how he was, but now all he could think of was Mark in the garage, listening.

“Yes I'm fine. I'm fine.”

“Okay,” sighed Christian, totally failing to hide his relief. “Session's red-flagged, just bring her back slowly.”

“Okay. Who was that?”

“Verstappen.”

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah he's out of the car. Session likely red-flagged though.”

“Right, okay.”

Sebastian dropped his speed right down to come back around to the pits. He was only into the second sector so it was a long way to go and as he drove slowly along Seb could feel how heavily he was breathing now and how the blood was still jumping in his veins. He just needed to get around. His heart felt as though it was bouncing against his ribs as Sebastian brought the car all the way back and finally into the slip-road to the pits.

  
  


  
  


In the garage Mark was struggling to breathe. As soon as he had seen Max's car go too wide Mark knew he was in trouble. Even as the television commentary was praising him for setting an amazing first sector time, Mark had seen Verstappen's car was carrying too much momentum into the sharp left turn you needed to make for the chicane. He'd half expected the Toro Rosso to have to escape by cutting the chicane as Seb had ended up doing, but not that, not going completely out of control right in front of Seb. He'd come so close, so _close_ to slamming into him. Mark's eyes had gone wide and Britta had grabbed a hold of his arm as the whole garage watched in frozen horror to see what would happen next. Seb's quick thinking had meant he had braked enough and moved enough to miss Max, but only just. It had been so close and the puff of smoke from Sebastian's tyres as he frantically tried to slow had caused Mark's heart to seize.

Everyone had been glued to the sight of Seb's car bucking over the high kerbs designed to discourage anyone cutting the chicane, but then he was back on track, carrying on and Mark heard on his headphones as Christian recovered himself to rapidly check that Sebastian was okay.

“ _Yes I'm fine. I'm fine.”_

Mark closed his eyes and breathed again. All he was concentrating on now was the sound of Seb's voice. Tension there, not really fine, but okay. Hell talking at all was enough for Mark just now. He was okay, Seb was okay. Mark took in a deep breath and pushed out slowly.

 

Mark reopened his eyes and looked at the screen again to see Max being shown climbing out of the car, throwing his gloves into the cockpit in disgust at his amazing lap being ruined. Mark glared at him, thinking how stupid he had been to put others at risk like that.

“Stupid kid. Stupid bloody kid!” he let out, not realising how his voice shook.

“Mark are you okay?”

Mark finally looked to Britta.

“What was he thinking? Seb could've, he could've...”

He took in a sharp breath, trying to hold himself together.

“Seb's alright. He's fine. He's coming back around,” Britta reassured him.

“Yeah.”

Mark looked back to the screen, but now they were reshowing the accident in slow-motion; two indigo cars coming so perilously close to colliding, one wildly out of control, the other desperately fighting to keep it, missing the first by inches. He closed his eyes again and looked away and Britta worried at how pale Mark had gone.

“Okay, let's get some air,” she decided.

Britta stretched up and took Mark's headphones off for him at the same time as doing the same for herself. She took a hold of Mark's elbow with one hand and scooped up a bottle of water from the side with the other as she guided him out through the rear of the garage and all the way out the back to get some fresh air. Mark would have protested and said he needed to wait for Seb to come back, but he felt a wash of nausea overwhelm him and he was glad to find himself outside in the cool, sat down on a packing crate with a water bottle seeming to magically appear in his hand.

“Just have a sip of water,” instructed Britta.

Mark breathed heavily as he lifted the bottle, both of them seeing how his hand shook. He took a small sip, then lowered his hand.

“Jesus,” he sighed.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly and unevenly. Britta had moved to stand in front of him and with her diminutive stature Mark didn't have to lift his head much to look at her, even sat down.

“Are you alright?” she checked.

Mark pushed out another breath and nodded. He took another drink and hoped it would work to make the horrible feeling inside him go away. It felt as though his whole body was vibrating and Britta looked concerned.

“I'm okay. Christ I just... I thought...”

“It gave us all a horrible fright,” agreed Britta. “He's fine though. He did really well to avoid it.”

“Yeah. Oh god, I should go through. He'll be back.”

“They're all going slow. It'll take longer. The session is red-flagged so everyone's coming back to the pits.”

“Right. Yeah. Okay.”

“Just give yourself a second Mark.”

 

Mark took another deep slow breath to calm himself, knowing this was what he always told Seb to do when he got upset. Jesus, was this what it felt like? Poor bloody Seb. It was horrible to feel your body spin out of control like this. Mark took another drink and breathed slowly until he felt a bit better, then it occurred to him that the cameras might well have shown him disappearing out of the garage and how that would look.

“I need to go back through,” he decided, already standing back up.

Britta was about to say he could wait and she would check if Seb was back, but Mark was already striding towards the entrance and heading inside. As they reached the middle he took a settling deep breath and handed the water bottle back to Britta before crossing the threshold into the main garage. He still felt shaky but Mark was actually relieved to see that Sebastian's car wasn't there.

A car pulled up in front and Mark looked, but it was Dan who had been running ahead of Seb on track. The mechanics rushed to pull the car into the near-side of the garage and Mark could see Christian sat on the pitwall in front, half turned around in his little stool as he looked over whilst appearing to continue talking on the radio. Seeing as Mark was no longer wearing his headphones he didn't know what was being said and he suddenly worried it might be something he was missing to Seb, but as he glanced to the screen it showed Seb entering the pitlane with nothing apparently amiss. Mark turned away from the television as they decided to re-analysise the crash once more. He looked instead out of the garage into the pitlane, counting the seconds until Sebastian's car pulled up in front, straining to see him as if Mark could tell anything when Seb was tucked in the car with his helmet on.

  
  


Sebastian sat still in his seat as the mechanics jacked his car up and stuck the dolly underneath to wheel him backwards into the garage. He felt slightly as if his ears were ringing and it took him a moment to realise he should lift his visor to try to hear as his guys tried to speak to him as the car was stopped in place.

“Bloody hell Seb, you alright?” asked Mike as he leaned in.

“Um, yeah, fine,” Sebastian replied, his voice muffled inside the helmet.

In his ear he picked up his engineer's voice coming through.

“Seb it looks like they might need a while to tidy up that mess so sit tight, we're just looking at our options.”

“Right, sure.”

Sebastian took a settling breath and closed his eyes for a second to centre himself, but as he did so a flash of indigo blue and a blur of other colours invaded his vision and his heart pumped faster as it all seemed to loom into view. God he'd nearly crashed. It had all happened so fast, but now he was stopped Sebastian played it back in his head and he realised how close he had come. It was only instinctive reactions that had saved him. Thank god there had been somewhere for him to go. Thank god the brakes had worked.

_Oh Jesus._

Seb turned his head at the same time as trying to pull his helmet off. His eyes sought out Mark and found him immediately standing just where he'd left him little more than five minutes ago. They locked eyes and Sebastian felt far worse as he saw how awful Mark looked. Seb put a hand over his ear and spoke into the radio.

“How long till we go back out?”

“They're saying ten minutes.”

“Okay, thanks. I'm just gonna take a minute.”

One of the mechanics took Seb's helmet and he removed his cowl and ear-pieces at the same time, sparing a quick look to those around his car already fitting the data-screen in place. Sebastian was sure that the engineers would be over in a minute but he gave the mechanics a quick nod as they started checking the car over to be sure there was no damage. A couple of them were already on the floor, crawling underneath to check how it was looking, but Seb was more concerned with Mark than the car. He looked as though he was fighting the urge to rush over and Seb knew how that felt. It wasn't fair on him to have to go through that.

“I need to get out a sec. I won't be long.”

Sebastian pressed the quick-release button on his seat-belts and put his hands either side of the cockpit to lever himself out before anyone could say anything. As he climbed out he found himself being helped and looked to see another of the mechanics looking at him.

“I'm okay. I just need to see Mark a moment.”

“Right,” replied Steve, letting go of him as Sebastian set both feet on the concrete floor of the garage.

Sebastian was sure looks were being exchanged, but he didn't care so much about them, he certainly didn't care about the cameras poking their noses into the garage. He crossed over and got to Mark. They looked into each others eyes for a second to try to get a read of the other before Mark couldn't hold back any longer and threw his arms around him. Mark pressed his cheek into Seb's and Seb could feel how heavily he was breathing.

“I'm okay, I'm okay,” whispered Sebastian.

Mark nodded into him, but he didn't move away.

“We've got a minute. Let's go out back,” Seb encouraged.

Mark finally loosened his hold on him at that and nodded.

 

They disappeared out of the way to their spot in the back and the moment they were out of sight Sebastian found himself buried in Mark's arms again. Sebastian fitted his arms around Mark's back and squeezed in.

“I'm alright Liebling, it's okay,” Seb soothed.

He rubbed over the small of Mark's back as they pressed in and Seb could feel how Mark's heart was beating even faster than his was.

“I know that must have scared you. I'm sorry Liebling.”

Mark sighed and lifted up to look at him.

“I'm just glad you're okay. My god Seb, how you didn't hit him.”

Mark shook his head and Sebastian looked into his eyes, seeing the shock and fear still there.

“I don't know. I just. It happened really fast. I was just on automatic. I don't know how it looked on TV.”

“Oh god. Bloody terrifying is how it looked darling. You were so close.”

“He came up very fast, but I guess I had just enough time to brake.”

“Yeah, pfffffff,” breathed Mark.

Mark closed his eyes for a moment and Seb reached up to put his hand at his cheek.

“We didn't touch. I think maybe it looked worse than it was,” offered Sebastian.

Mark looked at him and sighed.

“It looked very close.”

“Yeah. I'm sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“Not your fault. You did amazing to get out of it. Jesus. No it was his fault, stupid kid.”

“He made a mistake.”

Mark pushed out a breath and nodded.

“Liebling I have to go back out.”

“What?”

“The session will be restarting. I should go see.”

“Oh. Right.”

 

Sebastian looked beyond Mark to see Britta lurking on the other side, just at the edge of the main garage clearly waiting to come grab him if she got the signal. Mark looked down, trying to reconcile himself to the idea that Seb had to now go and get back in the car, right away, and go try again. He had to watch him again.

“I'm sorry Liebling I have to.”

“I know.”

Mark took in a deep breath and nodded.

“Will you be alright?” checked Seb.

Mark looked at him. The honest answer was 'no', so instead of saying anything he leaned in and kissed him. Sebastian kissed him back, then gave Mark another quick look.

“I need to go back. I'm sorry. I love you Liebling.”

“I love you too darling. Okay, you'll go great. One run right?”

“Guess so.”

“I think most of you are in the same boat,” offered Mark, trying to think practically.

“Yeah. I need to see.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian could see Britta looking through so he gave Mark a rapid last hug, then went to go back through, before he stepped back over to his car Seb turned to Mark.

“Can you text my family? Just tell them I'm really fine. They'll be having kittens.”

Mark managed a smile at the expression, even when his insides were churning at the knowledge Seb was about to climb back into the car again.

“Of course.”

“Thanks. I'll speak to them as soon as I can after.”

Seb gave Mark a quick nod, then rushed back over to his car, apologising to the engineer waiting there to go over what they needed to do now. Sebastian listened as he pulled his kit back on and climbed back into the car.

“Sorry, how we doing for time?” he checked.

“Three minutes unless they extend.”

“Okay, sorry, so any changes?”

 

Just then Christian came over on the radio Seb had just plugged back in.

“Sebi where did you go?”

Sebastian looked out over the pitlane to his boss sat on the pitwall turned in to look at them. Dr Marko was stood in another corner but Seb was deliberately ignoring him as he usually tried to in the garage these days

“I just needed a minute.”

There came a puff, then Christian replied.

“Okay. You're alright?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then. Track is cleared. We'll be back out in two and a half minutes. Are you ready?”

“Yep.”

“And you're really alright?” Christian checked again.

“Yeah, just a bit of a close shave. I'm okay.”

Seb didn't add that he was more concerned about Mark, but if he'd had time to think about it he might have realised what a distraction that was from him really thinking about what had just happened.

“Good. Okay we'll get one run at this now,” commented Christian.

“I know.”

“Okay then. No sign of that rain at least.”

“Right, thanks.”  
  


Christian signed out and Seb went back to listening to his engineer pointing at the data-screen to show where Seb needed to focus his efforts. While he took a breath, Sebastian's chief mechanic leaned in on the other side to tell Seb that the plank underneath the car was scraped by the kerbs but serviceable and he'd given the front wing a good rattle so they'd switched the whole nose just to be on the safe side. Sebastian nodded along, trying to absorb it all. He just had to go again. Put it all on the line with a single run. That was really all there was to it. No pressure. New tyres were on the car and just enough fuel to do the laps to be sure the car was as fresh and light as it could possibly be. The car was fine, everything rested on the driver inside it.

Sebastian saw the camera angled from the pitlane into the garage at him and thought of his family at home watching, of Mark's family, their friends. He looked directly at the lense and gave a wave, hoping it would tell them all he was fine and that they didn't need to worry.

His pulse was still elevated, but Sebastian decided that he just had to put that adrenaline to good use. He couldn't afford to think about how close that had been if he was about to go try again. It seemed seconds before he was getting the signal to go again and Seb had to switch himself back into racing mode. Forget what had just happened, forget Mark worrying and their families at home. There was only enough time left to do one out-lap and one flyer. Most of the field had been ahead of Seb and Max and thus had either already completed one timed lap or were able to finish it, but Sebastian only had one shot, no banker to fall back on. If he didn't go now he'd be in ninth. If he failed to better the times already set he'd still be in ninth. He hadn't come here and put himself and his family through all this just for ninth on the grid.

  
  


Sebastian set out, wending his way around the track on his out-lap, listening on the radio to be sure he was in a good position. Not last this time. The two Mercedes had hung on in their garage playing chicken with the clock so they could be last to cross the line. The earlier dark clouds had lightened now and the chance of rain had fallen away so they looked set. He rounded in towards the second chicane again, this time checking to be sure there was no remaining debris, but there wasn't any sign of what had happened earlier, so Seb continued on, getting a feel for how the car was reacting into the corners and making sure he had full control of it. He knew he couldn't afford to let his near-miss cloud his vision, so Sebastian pushed it away and filled his mind with the technical requirements of driving the car and doing everything he needed to do right now.

Soon enough he was coming back around, beginning to put his foot down, easing the speed up like a catapult ready to be released as he hurtled into the last bit of the bend leading into the start line. The run-off at Parabolica had barely time to come into view before he had passed it and Seb was no more thinking of his crash there than he was of his near miss from only minutes ago. There was no room for that in his brain as it calculated the tightest driving line he could take through the sharp first chicane, letting the car run out as he slung around the long Curva Grande, through the second chicane once more, just clipping the outside kerb as he went in, but crucially short of what Verstappen had done in going too far.

 

In the garage Mark could feel his phone in his pocket buzzing with replies to the quick group text he had sent out to reassure their family and friends that Seb was okay. He wasn't about to take his eyes off the screen to check his phone though. Mark was glued, his eyes fixed and unblinking as his heart pounded with every metre of tarmac covered. He let out a breath as Sebastian safely negotiated the chicane where he had so nearly come a cropper before, then went on his way around the Lesmos and onto the next straight. As Seb approached the Ascari chicane the second sector time flashed up and Mark knew it was good, but the hardest part of the track was yet to come.

 

Sebastian cut as much corner going into turn eight as he could, trying to straighten the curve into nine and ten, make the route as short as possible and thus the quickest, ready to power on down the long, long straight, foot to the floor as soon as you could and feel the car load up, the energy so strong it pushed Seb's helmet back against the rest, the wind rushing over him as the kilometres per hour rattled up and up, hitting the highest speed of the year, way past 300kph as he came out of the dip under the bridge and shot onwards towards the curve, the wide open space at Parabolica, the vast stretch of tarmac'd run-off followed by seemingly acres of gravel that hadn't been enough a year ago.

 

Even on the commentary the usually unstoppable voices had fallen silent as everyone watched to see what happened next, how late Sebastian dared brake, whether his nerve would hold. If he was still the racer he had been or if he would forever be tainted by what had befallen him. Mark's heart was beating so hard now that he could feel the pulse jumping in his neck. There was part of his brain that was begging Seb to take it easy, to play it safe, to be careful, for godsake to be careful. Don't risk it, please. But that wasn't how this worked. You had to take risks. That was what made you a racer, and Seb was a racer. It was what he did. It was who he was. Mark loved that person, but god, at times like this it was torture.

 

Sebastian had the markers for the approaching corner in the edge of his vision as he looked ahead. Leave it, leave it. Now. Brake, turn, ease outwards, not too far, not all four wheels over the line, but two was okay just so long as he could pull it back, sling-shot on and fire down towards the line.  
  


As Sebastian let his foot ease off the accelerator he felt how hard his heart really was beating. The radio came through in his ear and it was Christian, not his engineer that spoke.

“Well done Sebi, well done. Just a couple of hundredths behind Dan. You're in second right now.”

Behind. A couple of hundredths _behind_ his team-mate. Sebastian knew he should accept that in the circumstances that was a very good result, but in truth he was disappointed. He tried to hide it in his voice, but Seb couldn't help sounding down as he answered.

“Okay, thanks. Sorry, I tried.”

“Only one run, you did good Sebi.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“The Mercedes are... yeah, one, two now... Hamilton's got pole,” related his boss as the results flashed through, the silver cars following one another over the line, the times dropping in succession.

“Okay.”

Sebastian shut off the radio link and continued on. He didn't know why he felt so crushed. He swallowed and drove on around on his slow-down lap. It was stupid but he suddenly felt like crying. Seb passed through the chicane where he had avoided crashing and tried to pull himself together. He didn't know why he was so disheartened by fourth. Going into this weekend fourth would have sounded pretty good, but when he had tried so hard and had to overcome nearly having his day ended like that, Sebastian his spirits dip. He'd done his best and it hadn't been good enough. He hated that feeling. It was actually easier to know you had made a mistake, or there was something wrong with the car or anything really that you could pin down, but just not being good enough was horrible.

As he carried on around Sebastian tried to give himself a talking to, telling himself that even if he thought he had been focussed, perhaps the near-miss had thrown him off his game. He didn't want to blame that, but it was all he had. F1 drivers were meant to shrug such things off as mere inconveniences. He was allowed to say that it was annoying to have lost his first lap, but you couldn't say it had really thrown you. Nothing was meant to throw you. Not even dying. You just picked yourself up and said it was back to business. The business of winning. Succeeding.

Why did fourth feel so bad right now? Was it really just because Seb knew the whole world was watching and judging him? Maybe. Maybe he was more desperate to prove he was unaffected by everything than he realised?

  
  


Sebastian came around and slowed to the requisite speed down the pitlane entry. Everyone would be watching as he climbed out of the car in Parc Fermé. He needed to show them how unaffected he was, put his shoulders back as he climbed out of the car, fix on a smile as he pulled off his helmet ready to get weighed. As he stood on the scales Sebastian looked at the data-screen and saw how close he really was to Daniel's time. All it would have taken was just a fraction more. He had to sit down with the engineers and examine where he had gone wrong.

“Hey man.”

Sebastian flicked his head to the side to see Lewis smiling at him.

“You did good,” offered Lewis.

“Um, yeah, thanks. Sorry, pole. That's great, congratulations,” replied Sebastian.

Lewis frowned at him as they walked to the back.

“You okay?”

“Sure.”

Lewis leaned in a little closer.

“I saw... while we were waiting for the session to restart they had it replaying. With Max I mean, that was close.”

“Mm.”

“You're alright?”

“Sure.”

“Right.” Lewis looked over and saw he was being beckoned over. “Sorry I've got to go do the thing.”

“Yeah. Thanks, see you later.”

 

Lewis went out to get his photograph taken with the other top two while Sebastian found Britta waiting to take him back to the garage. As soon as she saw him Britta gave him a hug and Seb stopped in surprise. He frowned at her as she let him go.

“You okay?” he asked.

Britta shook her head at him.

“Am _I_ okay? God Seb.”

Sebastian continued to frown, still not understanding, but Britta was sweeping him away.

“Are we going to the pen?” checked Sebastian.

“No we're stopping off at the garage. I'm not the only one who needs to give you a hug.”

 

  
  


In the garage Mark was already in the rear section, stood texting replies to pass the time as he waited. He was glad to get out of the way of the cameras and he had no desire to watch the television coverage which insisted on re-showing replays of the earlier crash. Mark hadn't been able to hide his sigh of relief as Seb crossed the line. He didn't know whether it was shown or not and right now he didn't care. He just wanted Seb to come back as Britta had promised. The media in the pen could bloody well wait. His phone buzzed again.

JENSON: You're alright then?

MARK: Scrape me off the floor mate.

JENSON: Is that a yes or no?

MARK: I don't even know any more. Yeah I'm ok. Sort of anyway.

 

His phone buzzed in his hand and Mark switched to another chain of messages.

FABIAN: He did alright didn't he? 4th's ok.

MARK: He did great. P4's good.

FABIAN: Yeah course. Tell him well done. I sent him some texts but he wont have his phone will he?

MARK: No mate, he wont have chance till later. I'll tell him well done for you. Say hi to everyone.

 

MUM: Give Seb a hug from us and then go have a sit down. Love to you both.

Mark smiled a little at his mother's advice. He really could use a sit down, or better yet a lie down, but he was doing neither just yet.

MARK: Thanks Mum, will do. I'll try and call later.

MUM: Dont worry about calling. Take Seb home as soon as you can, well not home, you know what I mean, get some rest.

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“What's funny?”

He whipped his head up to see Sebastian stood there, Britta waiting at the entrance in the background. Mark sighed and felt a weight off him.

“Nothing. Just my Mum.”

 

He put his arms around Seb and pulled him in, closing his eyes and letting out the longest sigh. Seb fitted his arms around Mark's middle and squeezed him before lifting up to look at him.

“You did great sweetheart,” Mark offered.

“Hmm.”

Mark frowned.

“Come on, fourth. That's good.”

Sebastian squished his face around and shrugged. Mark shook his head.

“It is darling. You only had one run and after what happened...”

“I really tried.”

“Of course you did.”

“Yeah.”

Mark leaned in closer as he heard the note in Seb's voice.

“Sweetheart are you okay?”

Sebastian bit his lip and shrugged one shoulder, his eyes flicking downwards which Mark knew meant no. He sighed and pulled Seb back in for another hug. Sebastian buried his face in Mark's shoulder, taking comfort in losing himself in Mark when he felt stupidly wobbly. He took in a deep breath before looking back up to Mark.

“It's stupid.”

“No it's not. What happened earlier. It scared me darling. Come on, it's okay if it gave you a fright too sweetheart, you're only human.”

“I guess.”

“And then you go and jump back in and get fourth.” Mark shook his head. “Darling you just don't realise how remarkable you are.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and sighed it out.

“I just feel a bit disappointed. I mean the Mercs sure, but I thought I could have got third. I really did try.”

Mark looked at the ceiling for a second then down back at Seb.

“You daft thing. Bloody hell Seb. You're upset because you got fourth. After all that?”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder again and behind him in the distance Britta coughed to get Seb to look at her.

“We really should get going,” she pointed out apologetically.

“Yeah just one second,” promised Seb.

He looked back to Mark.

“I should go.”

“No hang on. The press can bloody wait. They're not going anywhere.”

Mark moved to lean in closer still to Seb so they could speak quietly.

“Darling is it really just coming fourth?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know.”

He took in a breath and shook his head.

“I don't know Liebling. It's okay. It's stupid. Fourth is okay I guess. Maybe I just thought... I don't know, I really tried and I thought I'd done better.”

Sebastian sighed and glanced over to Britta.

“I really do need to go. I should have gone straight to the pen.”

Mark nodded, knowing they couldn't delay forever and this felt like a longer conversation.

“Alright, will you be coming back to the base straight after?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then.”

Mark gave him a hug to build him up to face the press.

“You did great darling okay, forget the rest.”

“Mm, I dunno. I'm not sure what to say about it.”

“Say whatever Britta tells you too.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and looked at him.

“What happened to 'just be honest'?” he queried.

“Oh fuck 'em. Say what you need to and get out of there. Alright?”

“Yeah okay. I'll be as quick as I can.”

 

Mark quickly took a hold of Seb's left hand and slipped his thumb underneath the cuff of his race-suit to rub his thumb over the tattoo there.

“Don't worry about anything else for now. You did great. Say what you have to and come straight back to me. I'll be waiting for you, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Forget the rest for now, don't over-think it,” repeated Mark, not wanting Seb to think about anything potentially upsetting when he was about to face the press.

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay.”

“Alright. You did really good darling. Fabe already sent me a text to say how impressed he is. I'm proud of you too.”

“Thanks.”

 

Mark gave him a quick kiss and a hug then let Seb go off with an increasingly antsy looking Britta. He rubbed at his face then set off for the RedBull base. Mark would have preferred to go straight up to Seb's room and watch on the television there. He could have a lie down in peace then, but Mark felt as though he needed to wait where he was best placed to see Seb the moment he arrived back. Just in case. Mark was sure Sebastian was more upset than he was letting on, but there hadn't been time to get into it just then. He found a seat and fixed his eyes on the television screens, ignoring those around him who looked his way. If any reporter said something to upset Seb right now Mark wasn't sure he wouldn't just march down to the pen and punch them in the face. It wasn't a nice emotion, but it was real.

He didn't much want to bump into Verstappen either or Mark thought he might have one or two things to say to him, but as he sat there waiting to see Seb appear on television they repeated Max's interview from when he'd been knocked out of qualifying earlier and Mark reconciled himself that he really was a kid. Kids did impetuous things, they made the mistakes of youth. Seb was right, he'd made a mistake. Seb had been that kid once and Mark had said some pretty unkind things about him. He supposed Max had paid his own price crashing out like that and no doubt the team were none too happy with him. Mark knew he had to put it to one side.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian listened while Britta talked at him all the way to the media pen. He nodded along, trying to take in her tips for what he ought to say. Fourth really wasn't so bad. He just had to say that. It wasn't a lie. He just didn't know why he felt so disheartened by it and why his nerves were still jangled now, some twenty minutes after the incident. It hadn't been him who'd had the accident. It had just been a near-miss. Fourth was okay. It was okay. He was okay.

  
  


“Sebastian how are you feeling after that qualifying session?”

Seb looked at the array of microphones and recording devices in front of him, then up, trying to discern who had actually asked the question.

“Fourth isn't so bad. Second row. Hopefully I can work with that. You can overtake here. I just need to focus on the race tomorrow.”

“But you very nearly crashed. That must have been a scary moment?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'm sure it was worse for Max, but I hear he's fine, so that's good. I'm glad he's okay.”

“But for you though?”

“I'm just glad I managed to avoid him.”

“How was it to go out again after that?”

“I just had to make the most of the opportunity. Fourth isn't perhaps... I'd like to be higher, but it's okay. Qualifying is qualifying. The race is what matters.”

“And you'll be alright for the race?”

“Of course.”

“That must have been hard for your family to watch. How will they feel watching you race tomorrow?”

By his side Sebastian had one hand curled into a ball, inside it he dug a nail into his palm. He mustn't think about that. He just had to give them an answer, then move on. Just say what he had to, don't let it get to you.

“My family will support me as they always do and I'm very thankful for that.”

 

Sebastian touched his cap, appearing to rearrange it and Britta took the cue to move him on. As they walked to the next group Sebastian held his hand casually together in front of him, hiding the fact that he was copying what Mark had done, slipping his right thumb inside his sleeve to stroke over the tattoo at his pulse to calm himself. Just keep swimming.

“Sebastian, were you at a disadvantage having lost out on your first run in Q3?”

Seb hmm'd.

“I dunno. I'm not sure if I was the only one who was disrupted.”

“A bit more than disrupted surely? It looked as if you were going to crash into him.”

Sebastian looked at the interviewer. This wasn't going out to any of his home nations thankfully. He didn't want his family wherever they were hearing words like that. Why didn't people think about what they were saying?

“I mean, it looked very close,” pushed the interviewer. “That had to have an affect on you?”

“Maybe it looked closer on TV,” he dismissed. “I haven't seen it.”

“Other than at the time.”

“Obviously.”

“Verstappen made a pretty bad mistake there. Do you blame him for nearly involving you in his accident?”

“No he just made a mistake. I think he went too wide, got on the grass. Once you do that you're in the lap of the gods. I just tried to stay out of his way.”

 

Another sound recorder was pushed forwards as a reporter leaned in.

“Seb you climbed out of the car. Why was that?”

“Sorry? When?”

“During the red-flag when you were in the garage. What was that about?”

“Oh. We were told there was going to be a gap while they cleared the track.”

“So there was nothing to it?”

“We just had a bit of time before the session restarted. That's all.”

 

“Sebastian how do you re-set yourself after something like that happens?”

Seb gave a little shake of his head.

“You just look at what you need to do.”

“And that's it?” asked the reporter, sounding dubious. “It doesn't bother you to have such a near miss? Especially here?”

 _'Especially here'. Thanks for that,_ thought Seb.

“You just have to focus on the task in hand,” he repeated.

 

“Sebastian, how are you feeling about the race tomorrow?”

 _How am I feeling? I don't even know how I'm feeling. How am I supposed to tell you? Why am I expected just to turn myself inside out for you guys to poke around and pick out the emotions that make a nice headline for you?_ Sebastian stroked over the fish tattoo out of sight, feeling how his pulse had picked up.

“I'll be working to improve my position and hopefully move up the field.”

The reporter frowned at Sebastian totally failing to answer the question.

“Yes but how will you feel?”

“I've just got to treat it like any other race.”

“How do you do that though?”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder.

“Do the same things I always do, work with the team, prepare tonight, just, I don't know. Just do what I do.”

“Don't you feel anything?”

 _What the hell?_ Sebastian sighed internally.

“Of course I feel things.”

“So how will you feel going into the race tomorrow?”

“I don't know. You'll have to ask me tomorrow.”

Sebastian sent a quick glance to Britta. They both knew there wasn't a cat in hell's chance he was talking to reporters before the race tomorrow. She moved him on to another group and Sebastian switched to German, doing his best to stand taller, to set his shoulders back and give them smiles to show his family sat at home that there was nothing to worry about. He should call them, maybe when he'd had a few minutes with Mark?

 

“Sebastian?”

“Yes, sorry, could you repeat that?” asked Seb not having taken anything in while his mind was preoccupied.

“I said I wondered how you're dealing with this weekend, with all this attention obviously focussing on what happened a year ago and now this.”

“I just do each step as it comes along,” Seb offered.

“So it doesn't bother you?”

Sebastian puffed out a little breath that might have been mistaken for a laugh.

“It's how it is. To be honest it's not like it's all that unusual to have things to deal with.”

“Even this weekend?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I'm here to race. That's what I'm focussed on.”

“But with everything else in the background?”

“That's where it has to stay, in the background. When I'm in the car nothing else matters and I just drive. The same as everyone else.”

“So that's how it'll be for the race tomorrow?”

“That's how it'll be,” confirmed Seb.

  
  


Britta moved him on and on, Seb repeating the same clichés and faking the same smiles. He turned them up a notch for the television cameras and when he spoke to broadcasters Seb knew might be seen by his family around the world. As he got to the camera for NBC Sports Sebastian saw the way Will puffed a breath and shook his head.

“Seb, blimey, that was a bit of a close one with Max earlier. That must have got your heart going.”

Sebastian blinked at him as the words reverberated in his head and Will opened his mouth as he realised just how poorly he had phrased that.

“Sorry, I put that badly. I didn't mean... Sorry Seb.”

Britta sent him a look and Will flailed for a way to pull the interview back.

“I meant, ah dear it's bad enough with all of us, all of this and all that comes with this race. I just meant that I'm sure you could have done without that happening in qualifying this afternoon.”

“Yeah I could have done without it,” agreed Sebastian.

“You did well to come back and take fourth in the end. Do you think that bodes well for the race?”

“I would hope for better than fourth.”

“In the race you mean?”

“In both I guess, but yes looking ahead, yes I hope for more in the race, but I guess we'll just have to see.”

“How does the car feel around here?”

“It feels fine.”

“So you're optimistic?”

“Sure.”

“Second row perhaps what you were expecting realistically anyway?”

“Maybe. Yes I suppose so, given how we've been going all weekend, but I'd rather be starting a spot up at least.”

“So do you think you'll just be able to go into the race tomorrow not thinking about anything else, all the attention on you?”

“I'll be focussed on my race plan.”

“All focus then?”

“Sure.”

“And today doesn't affect that?”

“Well it affects my race obviously seeing as it affects where I start on the grid.”

“No I meant... well, how you feel about it. It was unfortunate that had to happen today.”

“More unfortunate for Verstappen I think.”

“I suppose that's certainly true,” agreed Will, “but in terms of how you're feeling going into it all.”

Sebastian shrugged slightly.

“I can't afford to feel too much.”

Will raised his eyebrows, thinking that was more of a telling statement than Seb realised. He considered adding a follow-up, but he'd already put his foot in it, so he decided to back off.

“Well hopefully you'll have better luck tomorrow.”

Sebastian thought about that a second.

“I think perhaps I had good luck today. It depends how you look at it.”

“Mm, well that might be a better way to look at it,” agreed Will. “Good luck anyway.”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian walked away, Britta guiding him on. Luck. Was he lucky here? Lucky to have avoided that crash this afternoon. Lucky to be here at all.

  
  


“Sebastian.”

“Sebastian.”

“Sebastian.”

On and on. How did he feel? How did he feel about qualifying? How did he feel to have had such a near-miss this afternoon? How did it feel to think about last year going into the race tomorrow? How did it feel? It felt like he would far rather not be telling any of them how he felt. It felt like he would rather be back with Mark getting a hug. It felt like they really needed to come up with different questions for him to answer.

“I'm fully focussed on the race tomorrow.”

Sebastian wondered if he could just print that on a postcard and hand it to each of them while he went for a shower and that hug he knew was waiting for him.

 

They had been to the last main television interviewer and Seb was just wondering whether he ought not to have signalled Britta that he was done, but by the time he'd had that thought Seb found himself in front of another huddle of reporters pushing up against the barrier to ask their questions and he had to run through the same things again.

“Sebastian.”

Another recording device under his nose. He really needed this to be over, but Seb looked up and nodded.

“Would you say experience told in qualifying today? Max made a mistake going wide there, but you found a way to avoid him.”

“Umm, maybe. I didn't really have time to think what I was doing. You just work on instinct, so perhaps that is experience in a way,” allowed Seb.

“Speaking of experience,” interjected another reporter, “how does your experience here affect you?”

“I don't know. It doesn't really. I'm just concentrating on the job I have to do now.”

“Even today with what happened earlier?”

“Well yeah. Even more so. I just had to do what I needed to.”

“But your past experiences have to have an affect on you.”

Sebastian shrugged up one shoulder, not knowing what to say to that.

“Nearly crashing like that, or even just seeing someone else crash in front of you,” pressed the reporter. “Surely it has to affect you? Even bring on flashbacks of your accident last year?”

Britta glared at the reporter while Sebastian tried to stop any impact the words might have on him showing on his face.

“No,” he replied flatly before looking to Britta who knew now it was time to stop.

 

 

As they walked out of the pen most of the media were still around, now interviewing the top three who had come down from the official post-qualifying press conference. Sebastian kept his expression impassive, but his mind was reeling with that last question. If he closed his eyes he could see the near-miss play out and it made his skin jump, but that wasn't a flashback was it? It couldn't be connected to last year because what he saw was the blue of the Toro Rosso. It was almost the same colours of his own car, but when he crashed last year he wouldn't have seen his own car. That stood to reason seeing as he was in it. He wasn't seeing his own accident, he was just a bit freaked out by nearly having another one today. That had to be it.

  
  


Britta noted how quiet Sebastian was as they walked back but she let it go. She knew Seb had had a tough afternoon. It hadn't exactly been easy for her either, but she knew it was worse for him and of course Mark who jumped up from his seat the moment they walked into the RedBull base and rushed over to give Seb a hug. She waited until Mark let go of Sebastian enough so she could get a word in before they headed upstairs.

“Okay so half an hour Seb? Yeah?”

“Sure.”

“Okay I'll come get you. That's four o'clock.”

“Right, sure.”

  
  


By the time they got up to his room all Sebastian wanted to do was to peel his race-suit off and lie down on the bed with Mark. He sat down on the bed suddenly feeling tired and Mark could see the way his shoulders slumped.

“Sweetheart are you okay?”

“I just need to lie down for a bit.”

“Seb?” frowned Mark.

Sebastian was reaching down to take his race-boots off but he paused mid-action and sighed.

“My arms have gone tired,” he complained.

“Okay, let me.”

Mark shifted off the bed and knelt on the floor to help Seb, removing his boots, then helped him out of his race-suit so Seb was just in his Nomex race underwear. Mark sat back up on the bed and put his hand at the side of Sebastian's face to look at him.

“Sweetheart how was the pen?”

“I need to lie down,” insisted Seb.

“Okay.”

Mark pushed off his own shoes and moved so they could lie down together on the little, bed, wrapping his arms around Sebastian and holding him close. He left it a moment before asking again.

“How are you feeling?”

Sebastian huffed a tired little laugh.

“I feel like I spent the last half hour answering that question.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Seb closed his eyes and sighed.

“Sorry Liebling that isn't fair. I just...”

“They were going on about it?” guessed Mark.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian pressed into Mark's shoulder and Mark squeezed him tighter.

“One of them asked if it meant I had a flashback,” related Sebastian quietly.

“What? Oh Jesus Seb. How do they think it's okay to say these things?”

“I don't know.”

Mark looked at him carefully.

“You didn't... I mean there wasn't anything like that?”

Sebastian shook his head slightly.

“No, but it did make me think about it.”

“Right.”

“Just really... I don't know. I know I didn't because in my head I just saw him crashing, Max that is, not me. It didn't bring anything back, it's not that.”

“Okay.”

“I don't know I just feel a bit weird.”

Mark smoothed over his arm.

“Darling it's okay if it shook you up a bit. I mean obviously not that it did, but to feel that. You're only human.”

“I guess.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head at how reticent Seb was.

“This is me you're talking to Seb.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded.

“Sorry. Yeah I know it must have scared you.”

“We're talking about you know, but yeah it scared me.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and looked into Mark's eyes.

“I think... I think maybe, yeah, I don't know. It didn't at the time. It happened so fast and I was just busy doing what I had to do, but maybe it's the adrenaline wearing off? I just feel a bit, a bit shaky.”

“Shaky?” frowned Mark, already pulled Seb tighter in. “Okay, it's alright. I've got you.”

Through the thin clothing Seb was wearing Mark could feel how fast his heart was beating, so he just held him in for a while, taking comfort from it himself. Sebastian had closed his eyes again and fitted his arm around Mark's middle to hang onto him. It felt like a relief. Relief to be held and feel safe. Relief not to have to pretend to be fine. Just to relax for a few minutes and let his body and his mind rebalance and start to settle.

  
  


“I should call my family,” sighed Sebastian into Mark.

“Call them later. They know you're busy. I texted them, it's okay.”

“How long have I got?”

Mark took in a breath and moved his arm from around him to check his watch.

“You're fine. Twenty minutes left.”

“I think, just ten minutes and I'll get a shower.”

“Okay.”

“I don't know why I'm so tired.”

Mark moved his hand back to put it by Sebastian's temple.

“Adrenaline comedown I think. Do you want to see the doc?”

“No.”

Mark almost smiled. Of course not. Stubborn as always.

“Okay.”

Sebastian sighed into him.

“I just need five minutes.”

“Alright.”

  
  


When it got to ten minutes to four Sebastian reluctantly sat up and rubbed his hands through his hair.

“Sweetheart if you need more time we can just tell Britta,” suggested Mark.

Seb huffed out a breath and shook his head.

“No. We need to do the debrief. Everyone will be waiting.”

Mark wanted to say they could go on waiting, but he knew it was important and it wasn't really fair to leave all the engineers and the rest hanging on when they needed to get on and do their jobs. Sebastian took in a deep breath. At least his heartrate had slowed down, but he did feel tired. Maybe it just was as Mark said and his adrenaline rate has spiked too high for too long and he was experiencing a comedown like he did after races.

“I think if I can just get the debrief done and feel we're really all ready for tomorrow I'll feel better,” Seb offered.

“Okay, sure.”

“I mean the car was okay.”

“So that's good.”

“I guess we were at least lucky it didn't rain.”

Mark let out a dry laugh.

“Oh god darling, small mercies.”

“It still might rain tomorrow.”

“Yeah well let's leave that until tomorrow,” asserted Mark. “Okay, so you go get ready as you can for the race and then we'll head off, have an early night, yeah?”

“Yeah. Thank you Liebling.”

Sebastian turned into Mark to give him a hug, then forced himself up to go shower before changing ready to go finish working. There was a tap on the door and Seb looked to Mark.

“Are you going to stay here?”

“Yeah I think so. I'll call my family.”

“Okay. I don't know how long I'll be.”

“That's fine.”

Sebastian sighed as he realised he still hadn't called his own family.

“I should call mine.”

“Hm?” frowned Mark.

“My family.”

“Oh. It's okay, I sent them a message, a few actually to your brother.”

Sebastian shook his head that wasn't good enough. He owed them more than a text message not even sent by himself. He took a deep breath and opened to the door.

“Hi, um Britta I'm really sorry. Can you give me five minutes just to call my family?”

“Oh, um.”

Seb could see her thinking he'd had half an hour already to do that, but she held it back.

“Right, okay.”

“I'm sorry. Would you let them know and apologise for me?”

Britta nodded. Tough day, tough weekend. Best not ask too many questions when all Seb seemed to do was answer them.

“Sure. I'll wait downstairs.”

“Thanks. Just five minute. I'll apologise to them myself when I get there.”

“I'm sure it'll be fine.”

“Yeah. Okay five minutes.”

  
  


Sebastian shut the door, picked up his phone and sat down on the bed. There were messages waiting on there, but they could wait. He took a deep breath and hit dial on his parents' number.

“Hello?”

His father's voice.

“Hi it's me.”

“Oh Seb, thank heavens. Right.”

There were muffled noises as Sebastian could hear his father calling to the rest of the family to gather and getting his little brother to put the phone on speaker. His mother's voice carried above the rest already sounding fretful before she properly addressed the phone.

“Seb, it's Mum.”

Seb internally rolled his eyes at the idea he wouldn't recognise his own mother's voice.

“Yeah, hi Mum, hey everybody.”

There were a burble of hellos and Seb presumed everyone was there.

“So this is just really quick cos I'm late for the debrief, but just to let you know I'm fine. Sorry I couldn't call earlier.”

“Mark sent us a message,” answered Norbert.

“Right.”

Seb glanced to Mark sat beside him and gave him a thanking nod.

“Seb are you really okay. Oh, that was awful. That stupid boy, what was he thinking?”

His mother's voice was high-pitched and stressed. Seb felt bad again at how they must have endured watching that and felt guilty he hadn't called them earlier. Maybe he should have crammed in a quick call when he had been out the back with Mark right after the incident? It was so hard to keep on top of it all when Seb had been busy trying to keep himself and Mark together without adding his family into the mix.

“I dunno Mum he just made a mistake.”

“Have you spoken to him?” asked Norbert.

“Hm? No.”

“I've always said he's too young to be in F1.”

 

It crossed Seb's mind that his father might have done well to put up more of a fight when he was too young to have been in F1, but that wasn't fair. Seb himself knew he would never have listened. The impetuousity of youth knew no wisdom and it wouldn't listen to those who knew better. There was no more point to Seb speaking to Max telling him to cool it than there was his father telling Seb to wait all those years ago.

“He just went a bit wide Dad. These thing happen.”

“You did so well to miss him,” added in his little brother.

“Hey Fabe, yeah well I was just going on instinct, so it's fine, you know? It's a good thing really.”

“A good thing?” interjected his mother unhappily.

“I mean my instincts are good. Driving instincts. I hardly had to think at all. I just got out of the way. It was all automatic.”

“Oh. I see.”

“I'm fine Mum. You did see, right?”

“Yeah we saw,” noted Mel somewhat darkly.

“Right, well. I'm sorry if it gave you a scare.”

Heike closed her eyes and shook her head. A scare. My god. How could her son say that so calmly? The moment the other car started crashing she had leapt up from her seat, nearly letting out a scream as Seb so narrowly missed hitting him. Norbert had pulled her to sit back down, getting her to stop her out-loud fretting so they could actually here Sebastian's radio message telling them he was fine. The whole family had sat puffing out relieved breaths as Seb was shown coming back around to the garage and climbing out. It had worried her even more when she saw him disappearing out of the garage and when Seb had come back and given that little wave from the car that had been what broke her. Norbert had to take her into the kitchen before she burst into tears and it was only Fabian yelling that they were getting going again that brought her back. The only thing worse than watching your son risking his life, was not watching him while he risked his life.

“Just as long as you're alright,” assured Stef. “That's all that matters.”

“Thanks.”

“And you're really fine?” pressed Fabian.

“Yeah I'm okay. It was all over in a moment. I honestly didn't even have time to think about it.”

“Well that is good isn't it?” Mel added. “Good, like self-preservations skills.”

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“Yeah. Mark says I could pretty much do those things in my sleep.”

Mark gave him a little smile and Seb smiled back.

“Is he there?” asked Fabian.

“Yeah course he's here. Do you want to say hello?”

 

Sebastian put his own phone on speaker and Mark said hello as the rest of Seb's family said hello and they spoke for a few more minutes before Seb apologised, saying he really did have to get back to work, signing off saying he would call again later from the hotel. As he hung up Seb puffed out a long breath.

“Mum sounded upset.”

“You just gave her a fright darling.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian bit his lip and Mark put an arm around him.

“It gave us all a fright, but you're okay and now they know that for sure.”

“Yeah okay.”

Seb took a deep breath, then turned and kissed Mark on the cheek.

“Thank you Liebling. I've got to go. I'm really late now.”

“They'll forgive you.”

“You'll be alright here?”

“Course. I'll call my folks.”

Sebastian paused as he stood up.

“Oh. Maybe I should talk to them too?”

“No you go on. It's fine.”

“You're sure?”

“Yep.”

Mark stood with him and gave Seb a quick hug.

“Britta's waited long enough. I'll see you later.”

“Okay. Later Liebling, thank you. I love you.”

“Love you too darling.”

 

Sebastian headed off downstairs and Mark shut the door behind him and lay back down on the bed taking a few settling breaths before finding his own phone again and calling his own parents.  
  


  
  


  
  


 

  
  


As soon as they made it back to their hotel room Mark called down for some food while Seb pulled up his parents' home number on his mobile phone and rang them, spending a few minutes reassuring them again before Mark joined him and they spoke for a little while on what their plans were for the next day. There was a knock on the door and even on the other end Seb's family heard it.

“Oh sorry, that's room service.”

“We'd better let you go then,” offered Norbert.

“We're just going to have an early night,” Seb explained.

“That sounds very sensible dear,” assured his mother, sounding thankfully far calmer than earlier.

“Okay so I don't know when I'll be able to call in the morning.”

“Don't worry about that.”

“You can just send me a text if you like,” piped up Fabian, “I can pass it on.”

In the background his two sisters shook their head at their little brother, but they didn't say anything. This whole weekend was far too stressful to add any arguments to it. Their mother had nearly been on the ceiling when Seb had nearly crashed earlier and none of them wanted to add any more waves to an already rough sea they were sailing.

“I'll try and call,” promised Seb, “but if not, yeah I'll text. We're really looking fine for tomorrow. We just don't know what the weather's gonna do.”

“It'll be the same for everybody,” smoothed Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Alright, well we'll let you go,” replied Norbert. “You did well today all told and we're just glad you're alright.”

“Thanks. Okay bye then.”

 

There was a flurry of goodbyes and thanks for calling before Seb hung up while Mark got the door to take the tray from the patient hotel worker stood waiting. He set down the tray on the little coffee table and they sat eating on the sofa, flicking on the TV to pass the time. Before seven thirty they were done and decided to get ready to bed and snuggle up there instead, watching the television in passing, but really just appreciating a bit of peaceful time together.

Sebastian lay into Mark, his head resting on his shoulder as he looked out towards the television beyond the foot of the bed. Mark ran his hand over Seb's arm.

“Do you want to talk?” he checked.

Seb shook his head, then looked up to him.

“I'm just tired now Liebling.”

“Okay.”

“Are you alright?” checked Seb.

Mark gave him a small smile.

“Better now we're like this. I'm alright sweetheart, as long as you are.”

“I feel better to be ready for the race,” commented Seb, thinking how going through the dry details in the debrief was oddly calming.

It was far easier to deal with when you looked at data then when you felt your heart beating out of your chest while you created the kph, the breaking speeds, the g-forces. All much easier on a computer screen than when they ran through your body. At least now he felt properly prepared for the race tomorrow. Qualifying dissected and all the various strategies for the next day run through. All just standard. Nobody in the debrief had even mentioned the year before and no one had even commented on Seb being late, they just got on with things. Far better that way.

 

“Good, well let's forget all that till tomorrow then, yeah?”encouraged Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Alright then.”

Mark dipped in and kissed where he could reach on Seb's cheek, then they both settled back.

“I'm just tired,” repeated Sebastian more quietly.

He watched the television for another minute, then turned his head more, resting his cheek into the top of Mark's chest. He breathed him in and felt how comforting the sensation was, closing his eyes to appreciate it, then within another minute fell asleep.

Mark felt Sebastian's body go heavy against him, or at least as heavy as Seb ever was. The muscles had gone limp and his breathing sunk to a steady slow rhythm. It wasn't yet eight o'clock and Seb was fast asleep. That was good though. Sleep always helped him and as the darkness fell outside it held none of the fears it once had for Mark. Seb was safe in his arms and they would just have to face tomorrow when it came. Until then he had this. Mark let go of him with one arm to find the remote control and flicked the television off, then the bedside lamp. He carefully sat them up a fraction to remove the extra pillow propping them up and lay them back to sleep, Seb not stirring as he did so. Then Mark wrapped his other arm back around Sebastian and closed his own eyes. They both needed sleep. They'd need all their strength for tomorrow. Race day.

 

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so they still have the race to go. This is one of those very long weekends! Still more parts of this to post...


	172. White Lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, here we are then, race day, just before it's actually race day. Dear me, how have I got so caught up with myself? I need to write faster!

* * *

  
  


  
  


Late the next morning Sebastian stood in his regulation RedBull waterproof coat and hat, leaning against the railing on the open trailer the drivers liked to call the funbus, largely because they could all do without it in the run up to the race. It was even less fun in the drizzle that was currently falling, but it was an obligation none of them could avoid, so they were all crowded on in their team water-proof coats and caps, huddled in little groups as drivers chatted or waved out at the crowds. Lewis stood on one side, large headphones lowered to sit around his neck, but the sunglasses still on despite the grey sky above. One of the mechanics had described him earlier as looking like a pillock for wearing them in this weather which Seb couldn't help smiling at, but he knew why his friend hid behind them, so he wasn't about to comment.

“Sorry I didn't really get to speak to you yesterday,” apologised Lewis.

“No that's alright. It's always busy after quali isn't it?”

“Mm,” nodded Lewis, not about to say he had been rather busier seeing as he had been in the top three. He glanced upwards at the leaden sky. “What d'you reckon? Get better or worse?”

Sebastian looked up, then regretted it as rain drops fell on his face.

“Dunno. I don't think it's going to be a dry race.”

“No.”

Lewis paused, wondering whether he ought to ask how his friend was feeling after his near-miss in qualifying, but he decided that was probably unhelpful, so instead he racked his brain for something positive to say.

“You won your first race here didn't you?”

“Hmm. Oh, yeah.”

“Raining then too,” noted Lewis.

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah it was. I've not forgotten that day.”

“I wouldn't think you would.”

“Mm. How did you go in that race?” asked Seb, trying to recall.

Lewis laughed.

“Seventh. So it's not my favourite to remember, but there you go.”

“Ah, sorry.”

“No worries. Win some lose some.”

“Still won the championship that year,” pointed out Sebastian.

“That's true. Well perhaps we can count it as a good omen for both of us?”

 

Sebastian nodded, then they both looked out as Lee appeared in front of them with the requisite TV camera.

“So what are you discussing then?” she smiled.

“Oh you know, the weather mostly,” replied Seb.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian turned to Lewis who nodded agreement.

“Seb's practically British now you know,” joked Lewis.

“Ah that would explain it,” accepted Lee. “Well speaking of the weather, what do you think? Is it inters or full-wets?”

Lewis glanced out at the track.

“Inters right now, but who knows in an hour and a half?”

“What do you think Seb?” asked Lee.

“Yeah same I guess. We'll all have to wait and see.

“Would you be disappointed to start behind the safety car Lewis, especially given how hard you fought for pole yesterday?”

Lewis shrugged a shoulder.

“I prefer to race properly, but it depends how bad it gets. I'd think we'd be alright if it stays like this, but it's up to Charlie.”

“Sure, and you Seb?”

“Hm?”

“What do you think of a safety car start?”

“Oh well the same as Lewis I guess.”

Sebastian looked at Lee, inwardly hoping that she would be the one person not to ask him how he was feeling today and what impact last year would have on him.

“Would it make much of a difference to you wanting to make up places at the start Seb?”

 _Thank you,_ thought Seb.

“Well yeah seeing as you can't overtake under safety car, but I'll just deal with whatever happens.”

“You're both known as pretty decent racers in the rain,” Lee offered.

“Well thanks, though I think all of us prefer the dry really.”

“Lewis?” passed on Lee.

“Yeah nobody really enjoys racing in the wet, not for an hour and a half, but we do what we do. It could spice things up a bit.”

“I'd imagine you're hoping for a straight-forward day Seb?”

“A successful one would be nice.”

“I'm sure. Well thank you both.”

 

Lee gave them a nod and moved on. Sebastian and Lewis turned around to look out at the crowds hunkered down with umbrellas and plastic macs to protect themselves.

“I guess they'd like it to dry up too,” Seb noted.

“Yeah I'll bet.”

Lewis waved out at the crowd, picking out a couple of British flags and giving them a thumbs up.

“Follow you everywhere,” noted Sebastian.

Lewis very nearly joked that they were his friendly stalkers but he just stopped himself in time.

“Yeah I pay them.”

Sebastian laughed and waved out at the crowd as well.

“Fly them around on your private plane?” he joined in.

“Yeah, only reason to have it.”

Seb smiled and shook his head.

“How's yours working out by the way?” Lewis enquired.

“Our plane? Well it's not ours, we just hire it, but yeah it's great. Makes life so much easier.”

“Ah what did I say, eh?”

“Yeah, true. Just good to get as much time as possible at home,” noted Sebastian.

Lewis smiled.

“I think I use mine to get as far around the world as I can, but each to their own.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian nodded and rested into the railing as he looked out. They'd be home tonight. Him and Mark tucked up on the plane together this evening heading back to the dogs and their own bed. Then after today they had ten whole lovely days together at home. They had their meeting with the adoption agency about being matched which was a bit nerve-wracking, but good too. His life wasn't all about this. Not any more.

 

They carried on around the track, the television crews getting what they needed to whet the appetite of the viewers at home and the drivers waving to the increasingly bedraggled looking crowds exposed to the rain that was actually getting heavier as they went on. Sebastian wasn't paying too much attention to where they were up to until things seemed to go quieter and he looked around to see they were approaching the run-off at Parabolica and he realised that all the other drivers were looking at him. Even Lewis next to him seemed lost for words and Seb wished they would turn away. He was starting to think that Lewis's sunglasses weren't such a dumb idea when Daniel on his other side leaned in and asked casually.

“So what d'you reckon, wets?”

Sebastian almost sighed with relief, but instead he shrugged and looked in the opposite direction to the run-off, turning towards the centre of the track.

“Dunno mate, maybe, could be at this rate.”

Daniel laughed and shook his head.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“'Mate' you're stealing my lines.”

“Oh well I guess Mark's rubbing off on me.”

Daniel pulled a face.

“Mate, imagery imagery! Yeesh.”

On his other side Lewis was snickering and shaking his head.

“I've told you this before Seb,” he joined in.

Lewis looked to Dan, glad he'd found a way to lighten the mood.

Sebastian rested his lower arms on the railing looking out away from the other occupants and shrugged.

“I think he's a good influence actually,” Seb defended.

Daniel leaned a little into his side.

“Yeah mate I think he is. You talk proper now.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. They were pulling slowly onto the start-finish straight now and they'd soon be getting off. Preliminaries over and onto the real business of the day. Thank god. It was actually a relief. Sebastian was already thinking he'd be grateful to get past all this and get on with racing.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Seb did feel bad for Mark though. He knew him getting into the car and racing was no kind of relief at all, but the opposite for Mark. As they stood together in the back of the garage Seb couldn't miss how quiet he was. Seb looked up at him.

“I know this is tough Liebling, I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say to make it better.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's alright. Don't worry about me.”

Sebastian gave him a look and all Mark could do was shrug.

“I'll be fine. You concentrate on you.”

“I'm all prepared for the race.”

“Good.”

“We went over everything again this morning Liebling. We're set.”

Mark nodded and tried to smile.

“You'll be fine then.”

“Yep. I think, well it might sound strange but it helped to go into what happened in quali, with the engineers I mean. I feel better when we just get into analysing it, even...” Seb looked at Mark carefully. “Even with Verstappen, we went over that again and the car coped really well, the tyres, the brakes, even the suspension going over the bumps. The car's really robust these days.”

Mark gave Seb a little smile, knowing all this reassurance was for his benefit.

“Course it is sweetheart. The thing's a tank.”

“A very light tank.”

“Yeah.”

Mark took in deep breath and pulled Seb into a hug.

“You're going to be absolutely fine darling. Now what about this rain? Are they thinking wets?”

Sebastian glanced in the direction of the opening to the paddock where they could see the rain coming down.

“Yeah unless it stops very suddenly. The track'll be wet anyway.”

“Hmm.”

Seb realised Mark wasn't likely to feel good about that either.

“You know I think at this rate we'll be starting under safety car,” he noted.

“You think?”

“Yeah. So I mean fourth place might not be such a thing if we're not doing a proper start.”

“Fourth is still good,” asserted Mark.

“Yeah I guess. Anyway we'll just have to see.”

“Mm.”

They looked at one another, both trying to think what to say to reassure the other.

“I'll just get what I can today, okay Liebling?”

“Sure. You're good in the rain.”

Sebastian huffed a dry little laugh.

“Lewis said that. Well he said about how I won my first ever F1 race here when it was raining.”

“Oh, so you did. I remember that.”

Seb smiled.

“Me too.”

“Yeah. Well that's a nice thing to think about.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark gave Seb a smile back and thought how kind it actually had been of Lewis to put that memory into Seb's mind when everyone else was focussing on a year ago. A little pay-back for Sebastian sticking up for him in the press conference, or just the act of a friend. Either way Mark appreciated it too. He took in a deep breath and reminded himself that Seb was a good driver, the team built as safe a car as they could and this race was going to happen whether he liked it or not. His job was to build Seb up, not make Seb worry about him. Mark put his hands on Sebastian's arms and looked him in the eye.

“You're going to have another good day today. I'm sure of it,” Mark asserted.

“Yeah, hope so. Think I probably had my bit of bad luck yesterday.”

Mark let out a helpless little laugh at that. They both knew there was an argument to be made that Seb had used up his good luck avoiding the crash too, but no good came of getting into that.

“Sure. Well plain sailing today then,” assured Mark.

“Ha, carries on raining like this and I'll need a boat,” Seb joked.

Mark smiled and resolutely shoved away all worries that came with racing in the rain: All the dangers of skidding on a slick track, all the things that you couldn't control. Everything that might go wrong.

“You'll be fine.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

He put his arms around Mark's neck and Mark fitted his arms around Seb in turn as they put their foreheads to rest in together, saying nothing for a minute before kissing and hugging more tightly until Seb finally broke away and they knew it was time. Seb looked into Mark's eyes and gave his hand a squeeze.

“It's all going to be fine Liebling, okay?”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you too. See you in about two hours.”

Mark smiled and nodded, not wanting to let this get too serious or he wouldn't know how to let Seb go. It was just another race. He had to keep telling himself that.

“Righto. See you on the podium.”

Sebastian laughed unexpectedly and Mark felt a bit picked up by it. He pushed out a breath and gave him a nod to show Seb he'd be alright and the pair of them went through to the main garage. No more time.

  
  


  
  


As Sebastian sat in his car he closed his eyes and carefully concentrated on envisioning the track as he went around it. His head unconsciously followed every bend, every change of line, swaying slightly with his helmet moving gently from side to side. A few feet away Mark saw on television how a camera was zooming in to show it and though he wished they wouldn't, it did help slightly to know that Seb was focussing on his task. His eyelashes looked so lovely. Mark huffed a little laugh at that thought popping into his head and he turned away to stare over at the real thing over on the left side of the garage. It was funny how he was positioned there just the same way Seb habitually sat on the left of Mark on the sofa and lay on the left side of the bed. Maybe it was his natural position? Mark had always been on the right. He wondered if they had replicated that without realising in their personal life. The media would probably love that little detail, but they were never going to find out.

Speaking of the media, Mark could see them crowding outside the garage again. He wished they'd go away but that was plainly a pipedream this weekend. On the television there had been a whole re-hash of events from the previous year prior to this though Mark had been doing his best to ignore it. There would be cameras on him too no doubt. Mark set his shoulders back and stood taller as he watched Seb doing his final preparations with his guys. He wasn't upset that Seb wasn't looking to him. He was doing what he needed to.

  
  


Moments later Mark caught sight of the first of the cars going past to line up in the pitlane to do their out-lap to reach their positions on the grid and he looked over to Seb who had a final word to his colleagues before turning to Mark and giving him a nod that Mark was glad to return before Seb closed his visor and slowly pulled out of the garage, dodging the cameras to set off.

Mark smiled, thinking it might cheer him up no end if Sebastian 'accidentally' ran a few of the media over when they stood in the way of the car, but perhaps that was a bit harsh. They were just doing their jobs. Mark knew Britta was heading out with the others onto the grid to make it absolutely clear that Seb wasn't talking to anyone before the race. She wasn't going to budge and Mark thought that if they crossed her today any transgressing media might think an F1 car running them over would be far preferable to the fate they would suffer at Britta's hands.

He took a deep breath and started busying himself with his headphones before pulling out his phone and sending their family and friends a few quick messages to assure them that Seb was all set for the race. Mark knew they would all be worrying too. It was simply unavoidable today. Two hours. Two hours to get through and then they could all let out a collective sigh of relief.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian slowed and the mechanics met him at the end of the grid to wheel him through the chaos safely into position. They erected a little collapsible gazebos over the cars and Sebastian sat back as the guys worked to make the car ready to race. Christian came over and leaned in.

“Think it's definitely gonna be a safety car start,” he informed him.

“Ah okay.”

“According to the forecast it should lighten up, but not for another twenty minutes so we'll be keeping a close eye.”

“Sure.”

“Keep your feedback up on conditions so Charlie hears it,” Christian advised.

“Yep will do. Switch to inters likely you think?”

Christian nodded. They'd run through a wet scenario for this morning's preparation meetings, but when it rained really all your plans were up in the air, literally.

“We'll just have to play it by ear Sebi. Tell us what you think when you're out there.”

“Righto.”

Sebastian released his belts and started to lever himself out of the car. Once out he pulled off his helmet and cowl and looked to Britta.

“Think I'll just nip to the loo,” he announced.

Britta stepped in with her golf umbrella to escort Seb off the grid, glad that this poor weather was at least putting off a few of the usual hangers-on clogging up the place. Any media that even looked in their direction got a very firm look as she had already informed them that under no circumstances were they to approach Sebastian prior to the race today. Martin Brundle turned in their direction with his cameraman roaming about on their grid-walk, got one look at Britta's expression and swiftly found someone else to talk to. Not today, not even trying it on, or Britta had promised all and sundry that she would be 'very unimpressed'. Only the most inexperienced of members of the paddock were unaware of how much power the slight blonde woman carrying an umbrella contained. Finding out was usually a mistake.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Shortly afterwards Seb was back in the car, listening on the radio as his engineer confirmed that the race would indeed start under safety car. Normally Sebastian hated that. It didn't feel like real racing and when you were starting just a bit back from the very front a normal start afforded great opportunities to grab positions, but today he was secretly relieved. Not for himself but for Mark and indeed their families at home. He knew from watching Mark race how terrifying race starts were to the invested observer. This way they were saved at least that anxiety when Seb knew how many other anxieties they would all be carrying. His mother had barely been containing herself each time he spoke to her since his near-miss the day before. She'd be a nightmare if she was actually in the garage. Seb knew it was a bit selfish, but he was glad he didn't have to deal with that today. It was hard enough for Mark already. He didn't need to be looking after Seb's family as well today.

Seb presumed Mark must know that they would be starting under the safety car by now. He wished he had a direct line to him, but Sebastian guessed Mark was listening on the radio so he spoke, aiming his words at him.

“Okay well that makes things a bit simpler doesn't it?”

“Yes just get a good feel for things on the opening laps Seb. We'll let you know if there's a change coming.”

“Sure.”

“How did it feel coming round?” enquired the engineer.

Sebastian thought that describing the track as an ice-rink in places was unlikely to calm Mark's nerves as he listened in.

“Fine. You know, the usual wet.”

“Okay, good, well keep up the feedback.”

“Sure.”  
  


  
  


Safety car start, thought Mark, wondering if he should feel guilty at how relieved he was. At least this way they could ease into the race, save his nerves being entirely shredded as he watched the lights go out at the start. Of course racing in the rain brought its own dangers and Mark knew he was going to worry about that, about what risks Seb might take and perhaps even worse, what risks _others_ might take without the perhaps the same skill Seb had to avert disaster. Oh god, he had to stop thinking of all the things that could go wrong.

Mark pushed out a calming breath and while the TV showed the drivers being sent to go stand on parade for the national anthem, he re-read some of the nice supportive messages his family and friends had sent. Mark had bumped into Fernando this morning when he was crossing the paddock to go catch Seb up in the garage and despite the fact that Mark hadn't even been able to spare his friend five minutes all weekend Fernando had given him a hug which had meant more that Mark had been able to say before they both rushed on their separate ways.

The drivers were getting back into their cars now. The rain still coming down as the little canopies were folded down and taken away by the teams preparing for the off. Mark puffed a breath and put his phone away ready to concentrate. Seb would be fine, he'd be fine, he'd be _fine_.

  
  


Sebastian did some steady breathing inside his helmet to lower his heartrate as he sat in the car. With a last word and a nod the team were removing the tyre-blankets, giving him a final nod and clearing off the track. The Mercedes safety car was in the centre of the track, its lights flashing as the time ticked to two o'clock when the race began far more sedately than usual.

The moment they set off Sebastian's visor was filled with spray and he had to work hard to weave a little to warm the tyres and brakes whilst making sure he didn't run into anyone or have another driver whose vision was similarly impaired run into him. Seb tried to keep his distance and after they cleared the tight first chicane he concentrated on making sure he had lots of room around him whilst trying to find out where there was standing water on the track which posed the danger of aqua-planing even if you weren't going particularly fast.

He got on the radio to tell his engineer, and by default everyone listening, what the conditions were like and Seb had to forget about Mark hearing too as he stated that it really wasn't suitable for racing on yet.

“Tell Charlie that it's just too wet,” requested Seb, knowing full-well that race director Charlie Whiting was listening directly. “I don't know what it's like at the front, but there's massive amount of spray back here.”

“Okay Seb will do. No sign of it clearing yet,” responded the radio.

Sebastian re-focussed on what he was doing. He had to be focussed, even if that focus was blurred by the spray.

  
  


 

Mark watched as Seb safely negotiated his way round the second chicane, trying not to let the puff of breath he let out look to obvious to those around him or to any cameras that might be trained on him. The cars were all going far slower than in qualifying and certainly none were about to repeat Verstappen's mistake from yesterday by going too wide. They weren't going onto the white lines at all if they could avoid it, as once they got wet the paint had even less grip than the track and anyone who ventured there was likely to end up the same as Max had the day before.

The television cameras showed the line of cars wending their way around the long far curves of the Lesmos and back around, past Ascari and along the straight towards Parabolica. Mark told himself again that they were going far far slower than they normally were, that they would brake much earlier and everyone was being ultra-cautious to make sure they didn't end their day before they even really began racing.

He knew what it was like to drive in an open car in these conditions, how poor your visibility was when the spray constantly filled your visor and how it was possible to lose all grip if you came across just the wrong bit of track with too much water on it. Often it wasn't actually possible to know where these dangerous patches were until you were on them. Mark took in a deep breath. Seb knew all these things too. He'd survived wet races successfully before. Not just survived, but thrived, won in these conditions. Here in fact. Mark closed his eyes as one of the back markers skidded sideways and fought to get back onto the track right at the run-off at Parabolica.

Today Mark would be more than happy just for Seb to get round the track, finish the race and climb out of the car safely.

  
  


While Sebastian concentrated on just keeping his car on the road, Mark watched on, listening as the commentators complained about how long the safety car was staying out. Mark wanted to tell them to shut up, that they didn't know how tough conditions were when they were in their nice dry booth. Where the track dipped you could plainly see water flooding the track and drivers had no choice but to tiptoe through it. The rain was still falling and until, or unless, it actually laid off, the fact that the wheels on the F1 cars sent the spray up and away did no good when new rain fell kept falling to replace the water that had been cleared. Mark pushed out a long breath thinking that so far at least the front runners were handling the situation well. They were keeping their distance, filing neatly along as everyone did their best to read where things were slightly better, slightly worse, where they had to take extra care and where they might just be able to push a little harder when the safety car eventually came in.

Five laps now. The voices on the television were clearly getting frustrated at the lack of racing and Mark turned, trying to look over at the engineers data-screens to see if he could catch sight of one of the weather radars. From where he stood he couldn't quite see, but then he looked back as the FOM coverage helpfully snuck in next to the McLaren pitwall and showed the depicted cloud hovering over the area shifting to the north. Clearly they weren't the only ones with this information as the radio cut through as they asked the drivers how it was on track.

“Sebastian how's it looking out there?”

“Wet.”

Even in his edgy state Mark had to laugh at Seb's blunt answer.

“Any let up at all?” pressed the engineer.

“Hmm, maybe. Still coming down though.”

“Okay, chance of it clearing in five minutes.”

“Right well there's still puddles on the straight.”

“Sure. We'll update you.”

“Nothing on the safety car going in?” checked Seb.

“Not yet.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian drove on. He could see the back of Dan's car ahead, the red light flashing at the rear. At the start it had almost felt as if they were driving in the dark it was so gloomy, but it was marginally brighter now. Of course what that really meant in effect was that Seb could see a little light reflecting off the wet track and that didn't do much to help his vision, but light meant the cloud was reducing, maybe passing, or at least the rain could be. Okay, five minutes, he'd just have to see.

  
  


The minutes passed and as Seb went round it was difficult to tell if less rain was really falling seeing as he got drenched from the spray either way. He slowed through the first chicane and before he put his foot down again Sebastian glanced to the crowd and spotted that some of the brollies had been folded away. The track was still wet, but maybe with not quite so much standing water. The sky was definitely getting lighter.

“I think it's letting up a bit,” reported Sebastian.

“Radar screen is showing the same. What do you think about the Safety Car?”

“Hm, not yet.”

“Okay.”

Another lap passed and on the television Mark could hear the tone of the commentators getting increasingly ratty as Martin Brundle asserted that it was surely time to go racing and that back in his day...

Mark rolled his eyes. Martin was welcome to try it out there today. Seb was no coward. If he said it was too wet, it was too wet. It didn't matter how good a driver you were, if the track had standing water you could aqua-plane and then you had no control whatsoever. That was the last thing he wanted today.

  
  


“I think it's a bit better on the southern side,” announced Seb over the radio.

“They're just discussing it,” replied the engineer and Sebastian knew that meant race-control.

Sebastian negotiated the top part of the track again and though it was difficult to tell, he was fairly sure that the water was flying up at him rather than falling down now and he fed the same back on the radio.

“Yep safety car in this lap,” he was informed.

“Righto.”

  
  


In the garage Mark looked to Britta and let out a slow breath. Okay, so they'd be racing in the wet, Seb had done that plenty of times before.

  
  


As he went around the circuit Sebastian was taking the opportunity to take a last assessment of how things stood before they actually went racing again. The silver Mercedes safety car peeled into the pits and he felt his senses ramp up a notch. All the cars wound their way around the long, long curve at Parabolica, still in formation, though Lewis controlled the train now, waiting until they crossed the start-finish line and he could put his foot down. Seb knew he would, of course he would. Lewis had a nice long straight ahead and no spray flying back from any car in front. It was the rest of them behind who would suffer from that. Nothing to be done but go with it. As Lewis bolted so did the rest and Seb went with them, knowing he couldn't afford to lose positions to those behind who might risk more, even if they couldn't really see where they were going.

Coming to the sharp right at the first chicane everyone slowed down again. All except for Rosberg who attempted to undercut his team-mate only to find himself out of room. Nico had no choice but to bump over the chicane kerbs. He kept going, though by the time he was back on track Rosberg had not only failed to steal the lead, he had dropped not one, but two places.

Sebastian was so busy trying to watch where Rosberg would rejoin, bearing in mind that the light silver car was the perfect camouflage in the spray, that it took him until he was safely heading on along the long Curve Grande for Seb to fully appreciate that he was in third place now. Third place. Wow. Okay he just had to watch for the Mercedes coming back at him.

  
  


The television was busily re-showing the incident and commenting how Rosberg didn't seem to have learnt from previous mistakes here, but Mark wished they would return to showing the live action. He needed to see that Seb was alright.

  
  


Sebastian drove on, trying to keep up with Daniel who in turn was trying to chase after Lewis who was busy opening up and extending his lead at the front. Seb glanced in his mirrors but it was hopeless. All you could see was spray. He just had to pray Nico didn't get desperate and do something reckless.

A lap passed and there was something close to a racing line appearing on the track, but it was still wet. Sebastian's engineer came on asking if it was getting near to needing inters yet.

“Negative, negative.”

“Okay, let us know if it changes.”

Seb knew that the team would be studying all the readings, watching what the other teams were all doing, but they did take his opinion into account. He was the one in the car, the one taking the risks.

DRS wasn't enabled yet so Sebastian knew that if any overtaking was going to happen at this stage it would be the old-fashioned way: looking for a gap or making one. He was trying to stay in touch with Daniel, but it didn't feel as though he was really in a position to get too close, never mind do anything about getting by. Unfortunately it seemed Rosberg wasn't of the same opinion. As Sebastian came down the long straight towards Parabolica the silver car loomed into his mirrors and Seb suddenly realised how close he was.

His heart was pounding, but Seb knew he had to press on. The curve ahead was getting closer. Sebastian was desperately trying to shut out any thoughts about what that curve meant, what that run-off had become only a year ago; the place he died. That wasn't now. This was different. He had to stay in the present.

Rosberg cut to the inside but Seb was still well ahead. If he held that position Rosberg ought to cede the racing line or risk being cut up by Sebastian. Rosberg ought to brake first and save the fight for the straight. Sebastian knew it was a game of who dared brake latest. Which would be fine if it was dry. Seb's brakes were working alright, but in the wet they were less effective because of the lack of grip to the track. Sebastian sent his eyes to the right and if Rosberg had done the same they might almost have looked eye to eye, but Nico was only looking forwards. He wasn't going to brake.

  
  


Sebastian hit the brakes and let Rosberg shoot by, he went wide as they went around bend and if only it had been dry Seb was sure he could have cut inside and taken the position back, but Nico was right in his path and he had to brake again to prevent them crashing. Damn.

Rosberg went on around the long 'U' then put his foot down as soon as he reached the straight and went on, his thoughts all on Ricciardo now. In the car Sebastian cursed, then got on the radio.

“I had the line, he was _not_ ahead. If I turned in we would have crashed,” bit Seb angrily, unsure whether he was more annoyed with Rosberg or himself.

“We saw Seb, we're feeding it on.”

  
  


In the garage Mark glared at the shot now showing Rosberg harrying Daniel to try a similar trick to take back second place as they approached the next chicane. Seb could have crashed then, he could have crashed. Mark closed his eyes a second and could feel how hard his heart was beating. It had to be bloody well there didn't it? _Jesus_.

He reopened his eyes and looked to see that Rosberg was edging up the inside of Daniel through the first Lesmo. That Mercedes had a faster engine. Even in the rain it was faster. There was only so much you could do. Mark watched as he cut underneath and achieved his objective. The commentary was remarking how Rosberg seemed to driving angry, annoyed at the fact his attempt on Lewis had failed, but that only annoyed Mark more. In these conditions taking those kind of risks was just stupid. If Seb hadn't braked. If he'd skidded on the wet track...

Mark puffed a calming breath. Seb _had_ braked. The brakes had worked. Seb was fine. Mark wondered if he should feel guilty that he was glad Sebastian had taken the more cautious option, but Mark didn't, he was just glad he was okay.

  
  


For all Rosberg's activity it wasn't making much difference in terms of his aim to take the lead. While he had been busy taking risks, Lewis had been happily sailing on unchallenged, building up a nice comfortable lead while he only took the risk necessary to push on, which admittedly in an F1 car in the wet at Monza, was still quite something.

Thus the race played on. The cars in their original formation at the front whilst further back the drivers and teams took more chances. As a racing line appeared several teams called their cars in to switch to inters and Seb had his engineer back on asking his opinion.

“No, maybe on the pit straight, but not at the far side, there's still too much water there,” Sebastian related. “There's just not enough grip.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian and indeed the other leaders remained on the wets and their decision was proved right as one then another driver who had taken the intermediate tyre found they had made a mistake and slithered helplessly off the track, one into the gravel beyond the first Lesmo, another right into a barrier. Thankfully Seb was on the other side of the track at the time, but the Manor that had crashed made quite a mess and the safety car was out again while the marshals rushed out to remove the car and clear up the debris.

  
  


As they travelled around more slowly Sebastian had time to think, but he found himself considering not the conditions on track, but whether he had given up that corner too easily to Rosberg. Had he been overly concerned with the danger? Was it because of where he had been? Had he been thinking of his loved ones watching and worrying?

As they rounded the same corner again Sebastian considered that. Was it worse that he thought he actually _had_ _n't_ been considering his family? He didn't think that was it. He had judged the risk too much. Did that mean he was more risk-averse now? Or was it just the rain? Would he have acted differently if it had been dry?

“Safety car in next lap,” came the radio. “How is it out there? Still wets?”

Sebastian was pulled back to the moment.

“Yeah for now. Maybe if the rain holds off it'll be soon. How far are we off pitting anyway?”

“Safety car means plan A plus four unless you're struggling.”

“No I'm fine.”

Okay so they'd gained four laps on these tyres due to slow running under safety car. That was assuming things didn't dry quickly or the situation would be changed again.

  
  


  
  


As the safety car came in Sebastian went on around, counting down the laps until they reached the pit-stop window. They brought Dan in first as he was leading and as they did so they informed Seb that they were putting him on inters. Sebastian went on around the far part of the track, then came on the radio.

“Yeah okay, I think inters too.”

Once Daniel had pitted, Sebastian was called in. The team had been frantically drying the concrete in front of the garage to prevent the car skidding as it came to a halt, but Seb took it carefully nonetheless. Inside Mark was looking over to see him, but it was a blink and you'll miss it moment before Seb was gone again and the mechanics were busy high-fiving one another as they celebrated a successful pitstop before gathering up used tyres and now empty tyre-blankets.

  
  


Sebastian had to take it steady on his out-lap as the tyres warmed up and he adjusted to the inters after being on the full-wets for so long. He was just starting to pick things up when he came into Ascari a little too hard and the rear flicked out behind him as Sebastian took the chicane. It was a sobering moment as he fought to pull the car back, but he managed it and continued on his way. The long straight lay ahead and Seb knew he had to put his foot down. The track was drier here where the greater speeds meant even more water was cleared by the passing cars and the improved grip gave Sebastian a bit more confidence, but he slowed for the corner well in advance once again.

He had fallen down the running order by pitting and although others were doing the same Sebastian knew he had to fight his way back up to at least fourth. He had to at least retain that position today if he was to leave holding his head high and not allow those watching to think that his past was a burden too great to race under. There was still plenty of spray but the track was at least damp rather than soaking wet now and Sebastian had been granted DRS for being close enough to the Toro Rosso ahead.

It _would_ be a Toro Rosso noted Seb, but he couldn't afford to give it too much thought. He just had to get past. Sebastian put his foot down, flicked the DRS switch as soon as possible, deploying some of the stored energy at the same time, and sailed by with almost surprising ease. Seb didn't even have time to clock which driver was in the other car, he just kept going, aiming into the first chicane trying to remember where the driest parts were so he could lose as little time as possible as he pushed on.

With all the shuffling of the pack as so many drivers began to pit, Sebastian had to ask on the radio to check his position. Sixth. Okay. Two more overtakes to get back where he had started and then he'd see where he went from there.

  
  


Each time Sebastian pushed on Mark watched from the garage, his nerves feeling strung out. That swerve where the track was wet had almost been too much to bear. Mark would close his eyes but for the fact he didn't dare in case he missed something. Each time it proved to be okay though. Seb took the next car down the long run into Ascari based purely on engine power, then the car in fourth was the Williams of Bottas who had yet to pit and just as Seb looked to be getting in close along the long straight so he could get DRS and line him up on the pit-straight, the white car pulled into the pits and handed the place over. Mark let out a breath wishing every move up the field could be so easy.

  
  


  
  


As the race went on things seemed to have fallen into a steadier pattern. Several racers had trouble further back with the damp conditions and a crash between the two Renaults meant the safety car was out once again. It brought Seb up close to his team-mate and as they wound their way around Sebastian wondered if there might be a chance to trying jumping him when the re-start came. He brought the car as close to the rear of Daniel's car as he dared but as Lewis jumped away, clearly put out that his lovely long lead had been destroyed, everyone behind went with him and it was all Seb could do to hang on, never mind get past.

Before too long they were getting close to the last round of pit-stops but just as RedBull got onto their drivers reminding that that they were in the window, drizzle started falling and the sky darkened.

“Seb how's it feeling out there? Do you think inters or wets?”

Sebastian pushed out a breath inside his helmet.

“What's the radar saying?”

“It says heavy rain in twenty minutes, but that's just after the finish.”

“Hmm.”

“We've got a couple more laps before we need to make the call.”

“Right.”

  
  


Sebastian went on around. It really was dark on the far side, so different from the usual gentle Autumnal sun you tended to enjoy here. Right now inters felt good, but if the rain came in then it wouldn't take much with an already damp track to find yourself in trouble. Then again go on wets and proper rain held off and you'd be stuck with the choice of burning up slower tyres or re-pitting to change and losing nearly thirty seconds going back into the pits. Thirty seconds was game over.

“Mercs are pitting for inters,” informed the voice in his ear.

“It feels a bit heavier out here. What's the forecast now?”

“Maybe a bit earlier, could just be towards the end of the race it comes down.”

Oh great, thought Seb, so either way he could be screwed. Then again maybe they'd all be in the same boat?

“What's Dan doing?”

“He wants to hold out a bit longer and see.”

“Yeah, okay me too.”

  
  


While the two front runners pitted the RedBulls moved up into the lead and second place, but then first Lewis, then Nico, caught them up again and on fresher tyres it didn't take long for them to get past and retake those positions. Lewis at the front had clearly fought hard before he had pitted to build up a good gap again and Seb wondered whether Nico had suffered from racing behind him or if there had been a bad pitstop because there was quite some distance between the two. Even in the heavier drizzle Lewis was powering on and Sebastian wondered if it was his imagination that made him think that Rosberg was showing signs of frustration in his driving. Sebastian hadn't made it easy for either one of the Mercedes cars to get by, but Nico had definitely been impatient, sticking two wheels over the line going through the second Lesmo to get past him when Seb, though he hated to admit it, knew making the pass on the upcoming straight would have been easier for him with his superior engine.

He put such thoughts out of the way as he went on. The Mercedes were away and gone, it felt unrealistic to worry too much about them. Instead Seb kept pushing to stay in touch with Daniel. The drizzle was definitely heavier and that was a hell of a black cloud over beyond the track. Sebastian glanced out at the crowd watching and saw more umbrellas. The grip was still okay, but it wouldn't take much.

“Wets, okay I think wets.”

“Dan's coming in first.”

“Right. What's he going on?”

There was a fairly long pause and Sebastian wondered whether his call was informing it.

“Wets too. That rain's looking to definitely hit prior to the end now.”

“Okay.”

Seb went around once more until he too got the call in and pitted. As he drove down the pitlane Sebastian thought it was drier here. Maybe he'd made a mistake? What if that rain held off? You could definitely manage on the inters still, but it was too late, the mechanics were all there waiting in position as Seb pulled to sharp halt. The wet tyres were fitted and he was released to go. No changing your mind. He just had to make the best of it.

  
  


Falling back into the mid-field Sebastian had to use all his skill to try to overtake. There were lapped back-markers in the mix now and Seb knew he sounded snappy on the radio when he called for blue flags to get them out of the way. The track was damp but it wasn't wet. He caught sight of one of the big screens as he slowed for a corner and Sebastian could see then showing Lewis Hamilton away and clear, obviously having no trouble at all on the inters his car had been fitted on. He'd even built up a bigger gap from Nico somehow and that rain Sebastian had been banking on was still only drizzle. It wasn't enough to need full wets. Damn.

 

  
  


Mark stood in the garage, hiding a sigh as the commentators pontificated on RedBull's tyre selection. Everyone could see from the data on the screen that they were losing time on inters.

“Of course perhaps it's not surprising that Sebastian might want to err on the side of caution here,” projected the commentary.

Mark glared at the screen. That was bullshit. Dan had made the exact same call. The team had concurred. Mark looked at the racing showing Lewis again and tried to tell from the shot how bad the weather really was. Was he imagining that it looked darker?

  
  


Sebastian had regained his fourth place now, but the longer they went on with these tyres the harder it was getting. He could _feel_ rather than see himself slipping backwards. Seb got on the radio and checked what tyres those behind him were running and was told, as he had suspected, that they were on inters like the Mercedes ahead. Oh god, if it went on like this Seb knew he could find himself falling _way_ back, losing all those spots he'd just fought to regain. Damnit damnit.

He pushed on as best he could, now deliberately looking for puddles to run through on the straights to keep the tyres cool and in the best condition he could. There were only ten laps left now. Maybe if he could just keep doing this and press where he could he could stay ahead? Maybe. The cars behind had pitted before him so at least there was that.

The rain could still come. Last few laps could maybe still make a difference. Sebastian held his nerve.

  
  


On the television the commentators had just finished saying how it might actually be worth those on wet tyres cutting their losses and pitting again to got back onto inters when the Williams of Felipe Massa running in seventh place skidded and shot off beyond the first Lesmo bend, coming to a halt in the gravel. As the camera zoomed in to show Massa climbing out of the car Mark peered in, as if leaning forward could make any difference, but yes, there it was: Rain.

Real rain. Not drizzle, but _rain_.

On his headphones Mark listened intently as the team went back and forth with their drivers telling them of the change in conditions in the second sector as both Sebastian and Daniel were just getting to the end of the third sector nearest to the pits.

It was still drizzling here, but then just as the two RedBull cars shot past on the start-finish finish straight only a few yards away nearly everybody in the garage looked out to see raindrops beginning to fall onto the concrete outside. Within moments it was bouncing down and Mark turned to Britta, his mouth half open. All Britta could do was shrug and shake her head before they were both back to looking at the television screens, waiting to see what happened next.

  
  


It seemed the downpour was now covering the whole track and Lewis at the front was given a sharp wake-up call when he skidded coming into Ascari and had to pull the car back into line before continuing at a far steadier rate. It was still just about okay for him on the straight, but the bends were a nightmare. There were only five more laps left and the television commentary had done a complete u-turn, now weighing up the wisdom of the Mercedes team pitting their drivers instead. With only a short way to go though it would be almost impossible to regain the lost ground, so they stayed out. As Lewis was in the lead he seemed to be going with the greatest caution. Nico however was still attempting to hang on to more of his speed, getting ever closer to the man in front. Within half a lap Rosberg was right up on his team-mate, spray kicking up in all directions as the pair of them came out of the straight after the Lesmos.

Lewis braked coming into the sharp kick of the chicane at Ascari and Rosberg seemed to sense an opportunity. He shoved the nose of his car up the inside, but even in these conditions Lewis was having none of it and held his place. Nico had to go onto the white lines and half the car was on the kerb before he knew it. Lewis drove on while his team-mate was spinning behind him, the car sent right across the track, over onto the other side where he bumped sideways over the gravel and came to an ignominious stop right in front of the full grandstands who all stood to get a better view of what was going on.

Mark puffed a breath, glad that Seb and indeed Dan had been far enough back that by the time they passed the scene Rosberg was already getting out of the car and Marshals were rushing out to check on him and begin moving the car. Double yellow flags were being waved so the two RedBulls passed through more tentatively, but the accident had merely thrown the car off the road, beaching it rather than causing any real damage, so instead of a real safety car being called the command came down instead that the virtual safety car was in place.

This gave Lewis a slight advantage as it saved him the need to push hard when he was struggling on intermediate tyres in the now heavy rain. It also maintained his lead at the front as the following RedBulls were forbidden from going any faster to steal into gap. Time was ticking, but the marshals succeeded in pushing the beached car out of the gravel over to the nearby opening in the Armco and a lap later the field was back to racing.

  
  


  
  


With only two laps to go the silver Mercedes was in view of both the RedBull's, but the problem was that with such long straights here Lewis could still push there, saving his caution for the bends and chicanes. Then again even on full-wets neither Seb nor Dan could push too hard there. Nobody wanted to go over the white lines no matter what tyre you were on when they were this wet and everyone was aware how close they were to the end. It was a question of wanting to make the most of whatever opportunities there might be, but also knowing how terrible it would be to throw away a decent result this late in the day.

Daniel was starting to sniff around Lewis, sensing that there was a chance that he could steal the lead, but Lewis was fighting back, even with less grip, positioning himself as well as he could to block Daniel making a move and then flattening the accelerator on the straights to try to pull away.

Passing the far DRS detection point Dan was within the requisite one second of Lewis and coming onto the straight he released it, trying for the overtake, but Lewis had moved to cover him. It wasn't a last second move, but in these conditions Daniel had to brake, meaning that Sebastian who was behind suddenly came much closer on the other two and for a moment he wondered whether he might not be able to pull something dramatic and get by, but Dan had already moved sideways and there was nowhere to go, so Seb had no choice but to brake too. In the meantime Lewis had put his foot down and was pushing on while the other two had to try to recoup their lost momentum and catch up.

  
  


Watching on Mark thought that perhaps Daniel might have another chance coming into Ascari, but Lewis threaded his way through seeming to not even notice the ploughed gravel to the side where his team-mate had come a cropper. Coming down the long straight into Parabolica Mark actually forgot, for what might be the first time in the whole race, what that place signified as he concentrated on looking at the time gaps to see if Seb or Dan or both would be getting DRS for the next zone. Dan had dropped back a fraction but it was still just within the one second and Seb was closer to him so they both got the nod.

The deployment zone wasn't until all the way around the long U back to the start-finish straight though and Mark was pulled back to thinking of the dangers he knew Parabolica held as Lewis pushed a little too hard, perhaps getting desperate as he sensed the danger behind. He went wide onto the run-off area, but never stopped pushing, scooting so fast over the white lines that he was almost immediately running on the still fairly new tarmac there, using the grip to carry on, simply taking a wider line and rather than losing speed he seemed to gain it, sling-shotting back onto the track and continuing on.

Mark frowned, but he knew Lewis had taken a calculated risk there. He might get a ticking off by race-control for exceeding track limits, but this close to the end he wouldn't care too much. The important thing was to stay ahead and now he was shooting on past the start-finish beginning the last lap of the race.

  
  


In the car Sebastian came around onto the same straight still in third place and automatically deployed DRS to see what he could do, but almost as suddenly as the rain had come in, it was fading again and the track was noticeably less wet here. He could see Dan trying to get alongside Lewis and Sebastian tried to stay in touch to see what might happen, but somehow Lewis was still ahead. The first chicane suddenly seemed very narrow and Daniel had to back off slightly, saving his powder for when they got to the Lesmos on the far side of the track. It was still wet there and Daniel tried going a little wide just as Lewis had at the opposite end, but it did him no good where it was wetter. Dan had to slow to remain in control while Lewis kept the tighter line and continued on whilst Sebastian was now closer to his team-mate.

As they headed down the next straight Daniel was having to defend from Seb and in so doing Lewis managed to gain the tiniest of breathing spaces. Sebastian pushed as hard as he dared, his visor so full of spray he could hardly see the car head. As soon as he flicked the DRS he risked lifting his hand from the wheel and wiped at his visor with his glove, but within seconds it was covered in water again and he was struggling to judge distances.

The light on the back of the car ahead helped, but it was still difficult. Sebastian ignored how hard his heart was beating and pulled the car to the right, flooring the pedal to try to get alongside, but he only got his front wing level with Dan's rear tyres, the tyres of Seb's own car getting perilously close, both flinging up water. They were barely inches apart and both knew if they touched then it would result in disaster for both of them, but neither wanted to back down. Then all of a sudden Ascari was apon them and Seb had no choice but to drop back. On a day like today if he tried to muscle his way through there he was only likely to join Rosberg in the gravel. Damn.

  
  


All three cars were still in close formation as they wound through the chicane, thundered down the long straight and hung onto the steering wheels to go around Parabolica. Mark stared at the screen to see how close Seb's car went to the white line there, wishing he would stay further away where even a wet track held more grip, but Sebastian was still racing. All three were.

The rain had, in complete contradiction of the forecast, now actually stopped altogether but the amount of spray the drivers were suffering from was undiminished. Except for Lewis of course who at the front had no car tyres kicking water back at him other than his own. He straightened up the car and with the two cars chasing close behind, pointed it directly at the finish line, no time for antics veering close to the pitwall where his mechanics waved and cheered as he passed the waved chequered flag taking the victory. Daniel and Sebastian flashed over the line mere fractions of a seconds later, but the race was run.

  
  


 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoof. Very wordy chapter there. Hope it was okay. 
> 
> Follow-up to follow up as it were.


	173. It's Like A Jungle Sometimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, here is the 'what next?' Post-race for Seb - hopefully you can wipe out RL Monza from your minds a bit and leap back in here with me. Here goes. Seb'll be hunky-dory now he's won, right?

* * *

 

Half the team had sprinted out to wave at their drivers through a gap in the pitwall fence as they finished to take second and third place, but Mark could only look to be sure Seb was safe before he tipped his head back, huffed out a long breath and took in another deep one to re-balance himself. He listened on the radio as Christian came on, first to Dan, then Seb.

“Daniel that was so close. Another half lap and you'd have had him for sure, but well done, excellent second place today, well done.”

“Thanks boss. Tricky day.”

The channel switched and he spoke to Sebastian.

“Sebi, podium, that's really, just... really impressive today.”

Christian's voice seemed to catch half-way through his message and it might be excused by the radio breaking up, but anyone who knew the situation this weekend had to know that wasn't the cause.

 

The emotion in his boss's voice cut through to Seb, suddenly reminding him why he was reacting that way and Sebastian started to feel it himself. He'd been so caught up with the actual racing and the complications of tyres and weather and how many laps were left, but he'd got a podium today. That was what Christian had meant. Today. He'd managed this _today_.

Words abandoned him and all Sebastian could manage in reply was.

“Yeah. Thanks. Really, I um, thank you. Thank you everybody.”

There was nothing he could think of to add so Sebastian flicked the radio off and tried to refocus his mind on the task of safely wending his way around all the way back to the pitlane. As he went round Seb noticed that the crowd had put their umbrellas away and even seemed to have their hoods down. They were applauding him. Sebastian took in a wobbly breath and was glad the end of his circuit was in sight now as he was in danger of getting overcome. He pulled up in Parc Fermé and took a moment to settle himself.

 

He closed his eyes, thinking; _don't cry, don't cry_. There were bound to be so many cameras out there. Sebastian took a couple of slow breaths then looked to the side to see Lewis happily bouncing on the bonnet of his car, clearly thrilled to have hung on to the win. Seb pushed out one more careful breath then began climbing out of the car. The spot where they stopped the cars here was slightly tucked away but Seb had seen people crowding in along the barrier further along as he drove in. He pulled his helmet and cowl off and removed his ear-pieces, placing things inside the helmet which he had just balanced on the car as he climbed out when Daniel was over burying him in an enthusiastic bear hug.

Sebastian ended up huffing a rather squashed laugh but then as Dan let go of him Lewis came over, giving Dan a quick pat on the arm before looking at Seb and shaking his head. He still had his helmet on, but Sebastian could just about hear him.

“Wow man, close there at the end right? But wow and podium, that's great, really great.”

Lewis was clearly bubbling with adrenaline and Sebastian could see how wide his eyes were, no doubt from having to hang on to that lead by his fingernails for the last few laps. Lewis gave Sebastian a hug, but Seb could only nod back. He was already looking over to the side where the teams were crammed in at the barrier waiting to share in their success.

“Thanks I um, I need to go.”

Lewis nodded back and soon all three of the top finishers were over greeting their teams, but Seb was only looking for one person.

 

“ _Mark_.”

Sebastian stepped in where the tall figure he had sought leaned over the barrier, ready to bury him in his arms. Seb leaned in, lifting up on his toes to press his cheek into Mark's. He closed his eyes and felt Mark's chest against his own as they simply breathed, trying to stay in check. Seb could feel how hard Mark's heart was beating. He went to step back but Mark had tight hold of him as he felt the same thing Seb did with him; his heart beating, fast but powerful. Mark was almost sure he could hear it as the din all around them fell away and just for a moment it was only them. He moved his cheek against Seb's before whispering in his ear.

“Love you.”

Seb moved back enough to look at him.

“Love you too.”

Mark finally let go of him and put his hands either side of Seb's face before planting a firm kiss on his lips.

Mark sighed as he lifted away.

“Ah, bloody hell, you did great. Well done darling.”

“Are you alright?” checked Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh and shook his head. He still had one hand at Seb's cheek so he stroked it for a moment with his thumb, the pair of them ignoring everyone around them, particularly the cameras. Just a couple of feet away Daniel was bounding about happily hugging all and sundry while Lewis had just about finished getting pats and hugs from his own team and was beginning to make his way back inside ready for the podium. As Lewis walked away Seb caught sight of him and realised he had to get on. He took a deep breath as Mark dropped his hand away and Sebastian stepped back, then with a last look he went along to get the team's congratulations. Christian and Britta were there pressed in with the rest and Sebastian received hugs from each of them as well as enthusiastic greetings from most of the team.

 

Then he had to get on as the others were. A final look to Mark and Sebastian was being swept away by Herbie to be weighed, his helmet retrieved from the car as he stood still for a moment before climbing the stairs to the holding room. The row of grid girls clapped uniformly as he walked past and the noise seemed to resonate in Seb's head. He kept one foot going after another, passing the fixed lipstick smiles to go into the pre-podium room where Daniel and Lewis were already exchanging more congratulations and friendly chat as they got drinks of water and towelled their faces and hair.

Out of the window Sebastian could see crowds rushing past on the track ready to get in place beneath the podium and it was then it really struck him. He had to go out on the podium. Here. Oh god.

Seb wanted to go back outside and get another hug from Mark. No wonder Mark had been hugging him so tight. Seb wished he had held onto him a bit longer now. The adrenaline in his system was still flowing but with the stimulus removed it began to ebb and Sebastian thought his legs might actually start shaking. He needed to sit down.

He sat on the little white couch over to the side and Seb closed his eyes, shutting out the sight of the camera intruding in this little room. Thus he didn't notice the way the other two looked over at him as Sebastian leaned forwards and put his hands over his face, putting his weight into his elbows where they rested on his legs. He could feel the blood pumping around his body in his veins, his heart pounding. He should have said more to Mark, made sure he was really okay. Today must have been such a nightmare for him and it felt as though they had rushed through that. He could use a hug. He really needed another hug from Mark.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes tighter and told himself not to cry. _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._ The camera was right there, just waiting to show him up to the world. Big tough racing driver in bits when he'd only got third. He hadn't even won. So stupid.

Seb took in a shaky breath which was meant to be calming but didn't quite work that way. Over to the side Lewis and Dan looked to one another then Lewis politely dismissed what the representative from Mercedes was saying as he reached to pick up a spare bottle of water and a towel as he went to stand in front of Sebastian, deliberately placing himself in the path of the camera. He reached out and squeezed Seb's shoulder before giving it a little rub. Daniel had taken a couple of steps closer as well and stood feeling awkward. He looked towards the cameraman filming the scene and had to fight hard not to tell him to really genuinely fuck off right now.

“You okay there buddy?” tried Lewis.

Sebastian took in a deep breath and screwed his eyes tighter. Damn, so it was obvious.

“Seb?”

Sebastian took in another breath and rubbed his hands over his face before finally looking up to see his friend's concerned face.

“Sorry.”

Lewis shook his head and ducked down in front of him, dumping the little white towel into Seb's lap and offering over the bottle of water. Sebastian picked up the towel first and rubbed it vigorously over his face and then the back of his neck. His race-suit was soaked and he could do with a rather bigger towel to dry off, but that was going to have to wait. He couldn't afford to be thinking of getting back to his room yet or he'd want it too much. He puffed a breath and aimed at a smile as he accepted the offered bottle.

“Thanks.”

He managed to open the bottle even though Seb was certain his hands definitely were shaking now. Sebastian took a sip of water and glanced up to see the tall figure of his team-mate standing nearby.

“Alright mate?” checked Daniel.

Seb nodded. The podium organiser had appeared with caps and sponsor watches and he knew they needed to make a move. He had to go out onto the podium. Oh god, he was third, he had to go out first. Sebastian took another drink and forced himself to stand, Lewis standing with him. Seb was just fixing the lid on the bottle and putting the towel down when he was surprised by Lewis hugging him, then Dan doing the same. He made an effort to hug them back but none of them really seemed to know what to say.

 

Before they knew it Sebastian was being ushered on. He stepped out and remembered that here they had that unusual podium all the way out by the track, so he had to make his way over the long walkway bridge above the pitlane. Seb reached the podium itself and stared out at all the crowd packed onto the track below. There were hordes of them, a great sea of humanity, flags waving and some red smoke drifting over from a flare somebody had released. A little way out there was that enormous Ferrari flag, the giant yellow shield with the prancing pony. Seb never knew how they managed to hold it like that. The crowd were cheering. Sebastian closed his eyes again, the sound ringing in his ears.

The other drivers were out there with him now and each gave him pats on the arm and more officials appeared offering their congratulations, but Sebastian was stepping forwards, looking to the inside, down to the pitlane where the teams crowded below. He was looking for Mark again. Seb was pretty sure he'd be okay if he could just see Mark.

 

Packed in with the rest of the team, surrounded by RedBull mechanics, Mark stood a little taller than most of the others. He looked up to see Sebastian come over to the edge of the podium and wondered if he should wave. Was that stupid? He saw the moment Seb caught sight of him though and even from this distance they looked at one another. They held each other's eyes for a few seconds, then the tannoy was blaring the announcements and Sebastian had to step back to take his proper place.

He felt a little bolstered by seeing Mark. Seb had known that of course he would be there, but it felt better to have seen him. He stood on the third tier and distracted himself with the business of trophies and spraying champagne, or what passed for champagne these days. As if they weren't wet enough as it was. The rain had completely dried up now, but Sebastian had no time for thoughts of what that would have meant if they were still racing.

A microphone was placed in his hand and Sebastian looked at it, realising that he actually had to talk now. Who had invented this stupid idea? He just wanted to get off here and go down out of the limelight to gather himself, but no, there was an interviewer and he just had to get on with it even if Seb had no idea what he was going to say.

 

Standard procedure meant that Lewis as the race winner was the first to be interviewed, but on being offered congratulations as the winner he put an arm around Seb where he stood to the side.

“No man, this is the guy, really.”

Sebastian looked at him and shook his head and Lewis relented, letting go of Seb to take the questions himself. The crowd was so loud he didn't even know if people could hear him but Lewis listened while he was asked how much strategy versus skill had played their part today.

“Ah I dunno man, it just worked out. To be honest I'm not even thinking of that right now. I mean it's great to win, course it is, but to be up here again, thinking about how things were a year ago when I was right here and...” Lewis shook his head and looked to Sebastian, seeming to get emotional himself. “Really, it just... it was the worst and now.” He puffed a breath. “It's just great that Seb's here. It's great that he's here at all, but to be up here? It's really fantastic.”

Sebastian knew Lewis was speaking straight from his heart, unfiltered as he tended to, but Seb wished he hadn't mentioned last year even if he suspected it was already on everyone's mind. They were just a couple of hundred yards from the corner where he'd crashed. Where the med-evac helicopter had landed on the track to take him to hospital. From the gravel where he'd lain, his heart stopped.

Oh god, he couldn't do this.

Sebastian Vettel-Webber, consummate professional, always reliable. He just needed to fake a smile, come up with something to say and get it done. He wanted to walk away.

 

Daniel was being interviewed just two feet away but Lewis turned to Seb.

“Are you okay? I'm sorry, I...” Lewis frowned. “I shouldn't have mentioned... just, it's amazing you're here.”

Sebastian nodded, but he had one eye on the interviewer, knowing that any moment he would be over.

“Sebastian, both your fellow racers have paid tribute to your being back on the podium today.”

Seb nodded and looked to them both. He hadn't even heard what Daniel said.

“Yeah that's nice of them, thanks.”

“It was a difficult race for you today?”

“I think it was difficult for all of us. They were tricky conditions.”

“You must be very pleased to be back up here.”

“Sure.”

“I've no doubt it must mean a lot.”

 _Have you in fact no doubt?_ thought Seb. What did people know about how this felt? Why did they insist on asking? Over and over and over.

“Yeah.”

“It must stir up a lot of emotions.”

Oh Jesus. _Really?_ What the hell was he supposed to say to that? Emotions. Way too many.

Sebastian tried to steel himself. He closed his eyes for a moment, but he knew it had to be showing. It was just another race. Tyre choices and pit-stops and racing lines, strategy and race starts, safety cars and crashes and crashes, crashes... cars in the gravel, marshals rushing over to help.

It hadn't rained that day. Seb remembered them telling him, but he still couldn't remember for himself. Why was that? Henry had said it was the mind protecting itself from trauma, just like it had protected him from those other traumas for a while until he was ready to cope with it, even though it didn't feel like that. Would this ever come back? How on earth had Mark got through today?

Sebastian swallowed and just shook his head. His chest felt hot. He couldn't do this. Seb blinked and blinked again. The microphone was in his hand. He took in a breath and tried looking out, wishing he could see Mark from this position. Seb felt as though he was completely unravelling, right in front of the whole world.

“I just want to say thank you to my family, to Mark and the team and that's, that's all I want to say.”

It was all he _could_ say. The interviewer took pity on him and nodded, turning back to Lewis to ask him a few last questions while Sebastian sat down on the podium step with a bump. Seb knew the television cameraman had followed them out here, but just ignored it. Hopefully it should be focussing on Lewis again now. He dumped the microphone to his side and closed his eyes again to shut it all out. Just breathe slowly.

 

The interviews were over. Normally this was an opportunity for a bit of waving and mucking about, making the most of the moment. There was a hand on his shoulder and Sebastian looked up to see Lewis looking quite worried now. Beyond him Daniel handed his microphone off to a grid-girl and came over.

“Right, come on fella.”

Daniel was stood right in front of him. He seemed very tall like this. Sebastian looked up at him dumbly and watched feeling quite detached from it all as Dan's hand reached down to take his elbow and levered him up to his feet. Sebastian looked at him and Dan frowned as he looked closer.

“You okay mate?”

“Yeah.”

It was a flat-out lie. Sebastian gave his team-mate a little nod and glanced to Lewis.

“Sorry. I'm alright. Just... yeah.”

“Yeah,” echoed Dan sounding unconvinced.

He picked up Sebastian's trophy for him and they trooped off. Lewis gave an acknowledging wave out to the massed fans and Seb wondered what on earth they had made of that performance. It must have looked pretty pathetic. Hopefully they couldn't really see him properly once he'd sat down.

 

Crossing the walk-way once more Seb looked to the left down into the pitlane trying to see Mark, but it was just a seething mass of people now as everyone went on their way. He made it back into the pre-podium room and immediately sat back down where he had been before. Everybody else was crowding out but Seb let them go on ahead. He looked about him. The little towel was still there so Sebastian picked it up and rubbed it over his face. He felt so strange now, as if he was numb and couldn't feel anything properly. He knew they were meant to go on down ready for the press conference, but he just couldn't. He needed a moment.

Seb held the towel over his face with both hands and breathed slowly. He just wanted to hide away from all that attention for a minute, then he promised himself he would pull it together and he'd be okay. At least the camera was gone from in here now. He was okay. He'd be okay in a minute. He just needed a minute.

 

An arm went around him and even under the towel Sebastian frowned. Someone sat beside him. Dan? Lewis? The arm belonged to neither of them. He knew that gentle squeeze.

“ _Mark_.”

Sebastian pulled the towel away and turned into him, burying his face in Mark's shoulder and fitting his arms around his middle. Seb did some deep breaths as Mark held him in, his head leant down into Sebastian's. Mark gave Seb's back a rub and Seb absorbed the comfort of it for another moment before lifting up to look at him.

“You alright?” checked Mark.

Sebastian didn't know how to answer that. As he thought it occurred to him where they were. They were still in the pre-podium room. Even Sebastian wasn't meant to be in here now, never mind Mark.

“How did you get in here?”

Mark smiled.

“Disguised myself as a grid-girl.”

Sebastian managed a little laugh despite himself.

“Idiot.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark sighed and gave Seb's arm a rub. He wasn't going to say he'd rushed to wait for Seb getting off the podium, sneaking inside to stand at the bottom of the stairs only for Daniel and Lewis to come down looking concerned. Mark had looked for Seb behind them as everybody else involved in the podium ceremony trooped away.

“Where's Seb?”

“He was taking a moment,” explained Daniel.

Lewis peered back up the stairs where Seb was failing to appear.

“I think you should go up,” he advised.

A couple of officials looked thrown by Mark's appearance and one got as far as opening his mouth.

“Oh, um, I don't think...”

But Mark was already half-way up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

 

 

“I’m fine really,” assured Seb, feeling so much better for the hug from Mark. “I just, pfff, I don’t know. It got a bit much up there.”

Mark nodded.

“It’s fine sweetheart, bit much for me too.”

Sebastian huffed out a long breath and considered his surroundings again.

“I really need to get on.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah I’m meant to be in the press conference.”

Mark huffed a dry little laugh and shook his head.

“No darling, that’s not what I meant. Are you okay to go do that?”

“Oh.” Seb paused. Not being okay wasn’t really an option. “I just got a bit overwhelmed.”

Mark nodded.

“Are you alright Liebling?” Seb checked. “I didn’t really ask properly, I’m sorry. That must have been so tough for you, the race I mean.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“You’re here with me. Safe. That’s all I ever need.”

Sebastian gave him a little smile then moved in to put his arms around Mark’s neck. He did need to move on. Britta would be doing her nut somewhere wondering where the hell he had got to, but he just needed _one_ more moment.

“I’m okay,” he whispered, leaning in nicely to Mark again. This was all he needed too.

 

Seb closed his eyes for a moment to pretend they weren’t here, then took in a breath and sat away.

“We’ll go straight home won’t we?”

Mark frowned.

“Of course.”

“We’ve got all our stuff right?”

“Yeah we’ll go straight to the plane sweetheart. Are you okay? You don’t want to go home right now?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. That was precisely what he wanted.

“I’ve got things I need to do first.”

Mark nodded.

“I know. Say the word though.”

Sebastian smiled and ran his hand down Mark’s arm looking for comfort to carry with him.

“We don’t need to do anything tomorrow do we? We’ll just be home. Just the two of us.”

“Just the two of us,” concurred Mark. “And the dogs.”

“And the dogs.”

“They can wait for their walk though. We can have a nice lie in.”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

“Me too. Stay in bed all day if you like darling. Do whatever we like.”

Sebastian leaned in and gave Mark a kiss.

“I think I know what I’d like.”

“Oh?” Mark grinned. “You’ll get no complaints from me darling.”

He peered round Seb at the sofa where they were currently sitting and reached to give it a good prod.

“This seems pretty sturdy. Get a head start here if you like?”

Sebastian shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Tsk, _Mark_.”

Mark gave him a wink and Seb smiled, knowing Mark was joking around to lift his spirits and help get him in decent enough shape to go do what he needed to.

“Best not,” accepted Mark, “spose there might be the odd camera about.”

“You think?” commented Sebastian dryly before he forced himself to stand up. “I really have to go Liebling.”

Mark wanted to say he didn’t, but he knew Seb had commitments.

“Guess they will be sat twiddling their thumbs. Okay.”

Mark stood with him and put an arm around Seb to give him another quick squeeze.

“Remember you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to, okay sweetheart?”

“Yeah okay. Thanks.”

 

Sebastian took another deep breath before heading downstairs accompanied by Mark to find Britta stood waiting.

“Seb.” She sighed and shook her head, torn between wanting to give him a hug and needing to drag him away. It had taken all her self-control to stand down here waiting rather than going to retrieve him. “We’re really late.”

“I know. Sorry Britta.”

Mark shook his head.

“My fault.” Mark turned to look at Seb. “Shall I wait back in your room?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Don’t give them anything you don’t have to sweetheart,” Mark advised again, wishing he could go with him.

Seb looked back into Mark’s eyes and nodded again before Mark leant in to give him a kiss. They stole another quick hug, then Britta swept Seb away and Mark was left wandering back into the paddock, not making eye-contact or stopping for anyone until he got all the way up to Sebastian’s room where he sat heavily on the bed, kicked off his shoes and laid out flat on the bed. There were a thousand messages on his phone already, but Mark needed a minute just as Seb had.

 

 

 

Sebastian took his slot on the panel facing out at the assembled print media. As soon as he sat down he saw whispering going on and he thought Mark’s suggestion that they just go jump on their plane home was sounding pretty attractive. He’d apologised to the other two drivers as they stood around in an ante-room waiting, but neither had done more than say it was fine, plainly wanting to ask if he was okay, but unsure if that was a good idea.

In theory these things were more reviews of the race, just to give a few nice quotes to bolster journalists’ write-ups of the race for their publications the next morning. Seb could see them looking his way, but thankfully it was the moderator who asked the first questions and protocol meant they were directed to Lewis, giving him another chance to say how relieved he was to have miraculously held on to the lead on intermediate tyres in such changeable conditions. Lewis looked to the two RedBull drivers either side of him.

“I’m sure in another lap these guys might have got by me. Then again it was drying up, so who knows? It was a bit of a crazy race.”

“You remarked on how pleased you were to see Sebastian up on the podium.”

“Of course. Yeah incredible really,” agreed Lewis. “Last year. God, the podium was just awful if I’m honest.”

He glanced to Sebastian by his side and hoped he wasn’t making things worse.

“I mean obviously it’s hardly what’s important, but yeah, it’s just good now that’s all. I’m very happy Seb is here and it's fantastic he got on the podium today.”

Lewis wondered if he was saying the right thing and was reassured when Sebastian leaned in slightly.

“I’d rather have got the win,” interjected Sebastian, attempting to lighten the tone.

Lewis smiled and tipped his head.

“See if I was a real friend I might have let him by, but no one’s that nice in F1.”

Seb smiled.

“I’d have had to got by Dan first.”

 

“And speaking of Daniel,” picked up the moderator. “Daniel, tyre choice proved pivotal today would you say?”

 

Sebastian sat back a little. The next question would be for him and then it would be opened to the floor. All those journalists with their little recorders, waiting like vultures.

 

“Sebastian the team seemed to run fairly identical strategies for you and your team-mate today. Would you say that prevented you trying to get by him?” enquired the host.

Seb gave a little shake of his head.

“I don’t think so. It’s hard to say when it’s mixed conditions, I guess I could have got lucky, but in identical cars starting on the same row of the grid, unless there’s anything major going on, if you run split strategies the most likely outcome is that one of your drivers loses out. We both finished on the podium today. I think the team will be pretty happy with that.”

 

“Okay well we’ll open it to the floor now. Ladies and gentlemen if you could remember to say your name and publication first. Thank you.”

Seb steeled himself. The first question was going to come to him, he knew it. Name, publication…

“Sebastian, you seemed very emotional up on the podium just now.”

Sebastian looked out at them. Of course they had to have noticed. They had to all know _why_ as well. Why did they need him to say it? He was waiting for an actual question though.

“So um, I was wondering,” continued the journalist, “I mean of course it must have been a challenge to race here today.”

“It’s always a challenge when it’s a wet race,” replied Seb, knowing full-well that hadn’t been his point.

“Ah, no, sorry I meant in terms of returning to race here after your serious accident last year. It has to have been hard for you today to go out there and do it again?”

Sebastian pushed out a breath.

“Actually no. To race… it’s what we do. Lewis kindof hinted at that, you have a sortof racing mindset when you’re in the car. Visor down and you race. You forget the rest of your life for an hour and half and just race. That’s not so hard. It’s not hard to race when you’re focussed on the job. It’s your family it’s hard for.”

Seb thought of Mark in the back of the garage. Stood to the side watching as he got in. That last look before he closed the visor and cut him off. God, Mark was so brave. How had he done that today? Sebastian swallowed. Damn he was getting emotional again. It was too close to the surface today.

“It’s an emotional day for you too though?” pressed the journalist.

Seb looked at him. No point in lying.

“Only out of the car.”

“So it does affect you then?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Of course it does.” He sighed, a part of him wanting to make them understand. “Look when you get in the car, when you close the visor, you have to be switched into driver-mode or you can’t do your job, but out of the car we’re just as human as the next person. Of course we are.”

 

The microphone was passed on.

“Sebastian, are you glad to get this race out of the way now so you can move on?”

Seb puffed a breath and rubbed at his jaw.

“I dunno, maybe. I think I’ve moved on anyway. A year’s a long time.”

“But to come back here? That must be something different to know you can race here unaffected.”

Sebastian almost laughed. Unaffected. One moment they were saying he must be an emotional wreck, the next he was apparently unaffected. Why was everything in black and white for them?

“Sure,” he offered blankly.

“So, um what comes next for you?”

“Sorry?”

“What’s next for you?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Singapore.”

“Ah, ha, no I meant in terms of putting this weekend to one side. What do you do?”

“I go home.”

“It’s that simple?”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head. He didn’t know what this guy wanted.

“I just live my life, do the things I need to do. Time at home, a bit of time in the factory to prepare for the next race. That sort of thing.”

“Spend time with Mark?” prompted the reporter.

Seb looked at him.

“Well yes he’s my husband,” he replied dryly.

What were they after? Seb was hardly going to say they planned to spend lots of time in bed with his husband for them both to try to get over the weekend together, walk the dogs if they were lucky, snuggle up on the sofa ignoring how complicated the approaching fly-away part of the season was going to get. Go to their meeting with Rachel on Wednesday. God, they’d love that little nugget of information.

“Just the usual stuff,” he offered blandly.

 

The journalist thankfully switched tack and asked the other two drivers what they would be doing over the next week or so before the next race, getting rather different answers which Seb suspected could make up a nice end to whatever story the reporter had half-planned in his head already. The three of them were very different. Perhaps that was why they got on?

 

“Sebastian, a few years ago the crowd here booed you on the podium,” began another reporter. “How did it feel to hear them cheer you today?”

Seb raised his eyebrows slightly. He could hardly say they were a fickle bunch and it only took him dying to win them over. He shrugged.

“I dunno. It’s nicer, obviously. I don’t think I’m the only one who’s had different reactions from crowds here over the years.”

He looked to Lewis in the centre who nodded. He’d had more than his fair share of booing here over the years, oddly more in the McLaren than the Mercedes.

“I think you have to race in red for the Tifosi to truly love you.”

“Do you envision doing that one day?” asked the reporter.

Seb gave a little shrug. His current employer at RedBull wouldn’t be too happy if he replied in the affirmative.

“I’m more concerned with where I am now,” he deflected.

 

Another person took the mic and Sebastian hoped vainly it might be a question for someone else.

“Sebastian you said when you close the visor, that you go into what called driver-mode?”

“Right.”

“So is that why you were so emotional afterwards? Were you just bottling it up?”

Sebastian didn’t know how to answer that. It seemed unkind, but she might have a point, not that he was about to say so.

“There’s a lot of adrenaline flowing in races, it affects you in different ways when it stops, when you get out of the car I mean,” he allowed.

The woman frowned at him.

“You’re really saying it was just adrenaline? You were up on the podium no more than a couple of hundred yards from where you nearly died a year ago. That has to be in your mind up there?”

Sebastian looked back at her, his face set. Fuck you. You don’t get this. I’m not going to cry because you want me to. Even if you’re right, damn you. He shrugged and gave a tiny shake of his head. There was an awkward pause where everyone expected him to give some kind of answer, but Seb couldn’t come up with one. He couldn’t even look to his two fellow drivers who were both looking unimpressed at the reporter who in turn was looking back unapologetically, convinced that she was only asking the questions everybody wanted to.

 

“Sebastian.”

At least it was a different person.

“Would you say it takes strength of character to come back and face your demons like this?”

Seb rubbed at his hair where it just stuck out of his cap by his ear.

“I don’t know. You’ve just got to do it.”

“You don’t think it takes a particular kind of person though?”

Sebastian shrugged and Dan seemed to take pity on him and jumped in.

“I think there’s clearly something wrong with all of us who want to fling ourselves round in cars at two-hundred miles an hour. It just takes more balls to do that when you’ve found out how that can go wrong.”

Pretty _badly_ wrong thought Seb. The journalist re-directed his point back at Seb.

“In terms of you though Seb, you’ve had to get through a lot in the last year or so. A lot of attention on your life away from the track.”

“I prefer to focus on my work while I’m here.”

“Sure, but it has to affect you.”

Sebastian could only shrug.

“Is it perhaps a case of whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” tried the journalist.

Seb stared back at them. It _had_ killed him if they were going to get technical about things. Beside him Lewis pulled a face at the question and Dan shook his head unhappily. Seeing as he was getting no answer another journalist was given the microphone to have their try.

 

“Sebastian you mentioned before about your family. They must have had their concerns about you coming here to race this weekend. How does it feel to race knowing that?”

Seb closed his eyes for a moment meaning to get himself in a place to answer, but all he did was think of his poor family stuck at home whom he had told not to come. They had offered support he had rejected and he’d just gone on to race regardless. Mark stood in the garage, refusing to take any kind of easier option because he felt he had to be there for him. Seb felt so selfish, so thoughtless of how they must have suffered through today. He felt terrible.

“My family have only ever supported me,” Seb replied, doing his best to suppress the emotion bubbling up inside of him.

“But how did they feel about you coming back here?”

“I just told you they support me. They always support me and today was no different, not in that regard. I’m very lucky.”

“But were you not thinking how it was for them today when you were in the car? Or for Mark?”

That hit hard. Too hard on an already softened up spot. Seb's chin dipped, his head going so low that the brim of the cap he was wearing nearly hid his face entirely. He was so selfish. His family, how frightened his mother had sounded yesterday after his near-miss and how she must have felt seeing him get in the car again today to drive on despite that, how worried his little brother must have been, how tortured Mark must have felt. How could he say he loved them and then do that to them?

He felt a hand rub his back and Sebastian squeezed his eyes tight, screwing them up to try to stop himself from crying. He took in a deep breath, but Seb couldn’t stop it going shaky. He daren’t lift his head so Seb missed the way Lewis was leaning in, trying to see how he was.

“Okay guys I think we’re done,” announced Daniel firmly.

Lewis looked out to the assembled media shaking his head as if they ought to be ashamed of themselves. The moderator finally decided enough really was enough and called a close to proceedings. As Daniel stood, Lewis next to him leaned more into Sebastian and gave his shoulder a squeeze to get his attention.

“Come on man, we’re out of here.”

 

Sebastian nodded and stood, trying to turn from the rest and walk out as quickly as possible. As soon as he got out of the room his head dipped even lower his shoulders sagging. Lewis and Dan looked to one another, shaking their heads and wondering what to do as Britta came over.

“I called Mark, he’s coming over,” she informed them before ducking to try to get in Sebastian’s eye-line. “Seb? I’m sorry, that was…” she sighed and shook her head.

“It was brutal,” finished Daniel.

Sebastian rubbed his hands over his face trying to pull himself back. Britta looked to the other two and their respective assistants.

“You should go on. Mark will be here in a minute.”

“You’ll be okay?” checked Lewis looking to Sebastian.

Seb gave him a little nod and Daniel gave him a pat on the arm.

“They were being complete arseholes mate, don’t let them get to you,” he advised.

Seb nodded again and the others decided he was best left. As soon as they were alone Britta stood closer to him and shook her head.

“Seb I’m sorry.”

Sebastian shrugged and shook his head.

“I just… I couldn’t do it today. I couldn’t fake it.”

“No.”

Britta sighed then the door swung open and Mark rushed in, getting straight to Seb.

“What happened?”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder and shook his head, so Britta answered.

“They weren’t exactly very considerate.”

“Meaning what?”

Sebastian looked to him.

“They just kept on and on and I just… I couldn’t…”

He took a shaky breath and Mark looked to Britta.

“Can you give us a minute?”

 

Britta nodded and stepped outside, waiting in front of the door to make sure no one else walked in. As soon as they were alone Mark pulled Seb into a hug. Seb buried his face into him, but the shaky breath he took turned into tears and he couldn’t stop it any longer. He sobbed into Mark’s shoulder and all Mark could do was rub over his back.

“Come on, it’s alright,” he soothed.

Seb took a shakier breath and lifted his head.

“It’s not. They… I just fell apart in there.”

Mark shook his head.

“Darling.”

“They’re gonna think… I don’t know.”

“I don’t care what those bastards think.”

Sebastian looked up at him with those big blue eyes and Mark felt so angry at them upsetting him like this on today of all days.

“Bastards. What the hell did they say?”

Sebastian sighed and shook his head.

“They just kept on and on about last year and you and…”

“And me?” interrupted Mark.

“My family. What it must be like for you with me racing here again and I just feel awful now.”

“Ah sweetheart,” Mark sighed.

“You’ve never asked me not to race,” noted Seb.

“Well of course not.”

“But it must have been horrible for you today, all weekend. I don’t know how you’ve done it and I feel so guilty.”

Mark huffed an angry breath.

“What the hell right have they to be saying such things?”

“I feel horrible.”

Mark pulled him back into a hug, then angled his head so they could see each other.

“They’ve no right to be saying any of that. They’ve no bloody compassion whatsoever.”

 

Seb looked down at the floor and Mark lowered his head to get him to look at him.

“Sweetheart you don’t need to feel guilty. I’ve been telling you that all along.”

“But I do.”

“Well don’t.”

“Isn’t it selfish of me to put you through all that though? All my family, your family, all worrying?”

Mark shook his head.

“And what about me? I race. I’ve crashed. You’ve never asked me not to race. Neither would my family, nor would yours. They understand.”

Sebastian sighed.

“But is it fair of me to put them, you, through this?”

“Sweetheart we understand.”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“Yes we should. Ah Seb. All this and you never once worry about yourself, how it is for you to go through this.”

“It’s easy for me though.”

Mark looked at Seb’s tear-streaked face and gave something close to laugh as he shook his head.

 

“Forgive me darling, but that’s bullshit. None of this is easy. You only say that because you’re so damn used to coping with it being hell.”

Sebastian couldn’t help pouting.

“I didn’t cope this time.”

Mark sighed and pulled him a little closer.

“They pushed you too hard. Darling what you’ve got through this weekend is nothing short of remarkable. To have to deal with all this on top of that. Of course it’s too much. It would be for anyone.”

He looked at Seb who didn’t know what to say back.

“Come on sweetheart you’ve done amazing this weekend. Don’t let them upset you.”

Sebastian took the deepest breath and let it out.

“I guess.”

“Of course you did, cos you’re you and you’re amazing. But that lot? They just prod and prod and prod until they get what they want. This is what that wanted. They wanted to upset you.”

 

Sebastian bit his lip and stupidly felt like crying again at that. The idea that people could deliberately want to hurt him was too close to the bone. He closed his eyes again, trying to push away the tears. Mark rubbed over his arm.

“It’s just too much this weekend,” he sympathised.

Seb nodded.

“Bastards. I could kill them. Who was it?” asked Mark.

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“Not just one. A few. It just sort of piled up on me.”

Mark shook his head. That sounded like bullying to him. Bullying Seb on a day like today.

“You tell me and I’ll go break some noses,” offered Mark, only half joking.

Sebastian almost laughed at that, but he just shook his head. Mark gave his arm another rub.

“We should just go home.”

Seb sighed.

“I can’t.”

“Sweetheart you're worn out, okay? I'm sure that's what it is.”

“It's just a race.”

“No darling it's not. Forgive me sweetheart, but it's not. You're worn out emotionally from coping with it all and that lot just went too far. I won't have you making yourself ill. You need to go home and rest. Hell darling, so do I.”

Sebastian sighed. He did feel bad for Mark and he was tired. He felt wrung out.

“Come on Seb you need to look after yourself. We can just call up the plane and get out of here.”

Seb closed his eyes for a moment. He wanted that too much, but it wasn't allowed. He had responsibilities. He took in a deep breath and tried to push away what he wanted as he looked at Mark and shook his head.

“No Mark I can’t. I’ve got to do the pen and then the debrief.”

“Seb.”

“I can’t just skip them.”

They looked at one another and Sebastian shook his head.

“Liebling I can't just leave.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Well… you’re in the factory later in the week aren’t you?”

“Friday.”

“Couldn’t you go over things then?”

“We’re meant to do it now.”

“Yeah, okay, but would it be the end of the world to do it later? Do you really feel up to going through all the race now?”

Sebastian sighed.

“I don’t know,” he conceded.

“Does that mean no?” pushed Mark.

Seb looked at him.

“What if we had a word with Christian, see what he says?” Mark offered.

“I guess.”

“Right.”

Mark gave Seb a kiss and looked over to where he was fairly sure there was a bathroom from past experience.

“Tell you what, do you want to just splash your face with some water and I’ll get a quick word with Britta?”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian.

 

Mark stepped outside and Britta turned to him.

“Where’s Seb?”

“Washing his face. Look Britta, you have to know this is too much for him today.”

“Mark I couldn’t do anything to intervene in there,” she defended.

“I know. I’m not blaming you, but he’s having a really hard time. You have to understand that don’t you?”

“Of course.”

“I just want to take him home.”

“Mark.”

“No look, what does he have to do that is completely inescapable?”

Britta paused.

“He needs to go to the pen. We can’t get out of that unless we say he’s ill and I’m really not sure Seb would thank me for that in the long run.”

“No okay, but he doesn’t have to do everything does he? That lot have already had their fun with him.”

Mark’s face spoke of no kind of ‘fun’ and Britta wasn’t too well disposed towards the media here today either.

“Well just the main TV crews I suppose,” she conceded.

“Right. Will that take long?”

“Not if I tell them we have to get on.”

“Okay and the debrief?”

Britta frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Any chance he can delay it till we’re home? I can’t just watch him force himself through all this because he feels he’s letting people down if he doesn’t. He won’t say it himself. You know what he’s like.”

Britta sighed and Mark carried on.

“Come on Britta, please. He’ll just push himself until it crushes him. He needs to go home.”

Britta looked at him for a moment, then nodded and pushed strands of hair behind her ears.

“I’ll call Christian.”

 

Sebastian stepped outside looking reasonably refreshed, though still not his usual self and saw that Britta was already on the phone. As she spotted Sebastian coming outside she paused and put her hand over the receiver.

“Seb. Are you okay?” she enquired.

Seb nodded, but Britta thought his silence telling.

“Okay well we’re just going to make a short stop at the pen, key television only and then we’re done. They’ve had enough today.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep. I’m just telling Christian.”

Sebastian looked to Mark wondering what he had said to her.

“Um Britta... the debrief...”

“I'm talking to him about that now,” she explained.

“Oh. I mean, if he could just, I don’t know, could he meet us at the motorhome?” requested Seb.

Britta nodded, then lifted her phone back to her ear to say the same to their boss.

 

 

Half an hour later Mark and Sebastian walked out of the paddock towards the car waiting to take them to their plane. Seb still felt a bit guilty, but Christian had assured him it was fine for them to go. When Sebastian and Britta had got back from the pen Mark was in Christian's office. Seb saw the apology in Mark's eyes and knew he had spoken to him already. Seb barely had to get the apologetic request to delay debriefing with the team until later in the week out of his mouth before he was getting the okay to leave.

“It's just I don't think I'm in the right headspace and I'm not sure I'd do a very good job of it anyway right now,” explained Seb.

“Sebi it's fine. You did great today, but of course I understand how difficult this weekend has been. Go home, rest up, don't worry about it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

“Maybe I should come and at least speak to the guys? I feel bad just walking out.”

Christian glanced to Mark thinking of his plea only minutes earlier that Seb shouldn't be made to feel guilty.

“You'll see them on Friday. It's fine Sebi really.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, quite sure.”

“Will you tell them sorry from me at least?”

“Well you don't need to be sorry Seb, but I will explain.”

“What will you say?”

“Just that after what we are all well aware has been a very tough weekend, I thought it best that you should get a bit of break before we do our review of the race. They'll understand.” Christian looked at him. “Seb if you're worried they'll think any the less of you, you couldn't be more wrong.”

“Okay.”

Christian sighed and looked at Seb, then Mark.

“I don't think this weekend has been easy for anyone, but we got a good result, a fantastic one really. More than I think we could have hoped for and one you can be justly proud of, but there are more important things than race results.”

 

Mark put an arm around Sebastian and gave him a nod.

“Thanks Christian. We'll get going then.”

“Thanks,” added Seb.

“Sure. Safe journey. Thank you for all your efforts this weekend.”

 

Sebastian just gave him a nod and they said their goodbyes. Britta had been in the room but she didn't speak until Mark and Seb left, assuring her that they could manage to make their way out of the paddock unaccompanied.

“We didn't get to do the team photo,” she noted.

Christian shook his head.

“No. Well, I'm not sure it would really have felt right. I don't know. I think in all honesty I'll be quite glad to put this weekend behind me.”

“Mm.”

He looked at her, thinking how Britta had had a tough weekend too.

“Why don't you go too? I'm sure you can switch onto an earlier flight?” he offered.

Britta gave him a wry smile.

“No I have work to do.”

“Arses to kick?”

“Damn right.”

Christian smiled and nodded.

“Good. Okay well kick them good and hard.”

“Oh I intend to.”

There was a steely look in Britta's eyes and Christian thought that certain media representatives were about to find out that despite their previous misconceptions, they couldn't treat people as punch-bags and not find that something swung back at you.

 

 

Mark's arm didn't leave Seb as they walked out of the paddock, but he looked in to him.

“I'm sorry if I spoke out of turn with Christian,” he apologised. “I just... I dunno darling. I had to.”

“What did you say?”

“Just that if you asked to put off the debrief, then to not guilt you about it.”

Mark angled his head more to see Seb so he could read his expression.

“I know it's not my place,” he conceded.

Sebastian sighed and just shook his head. He knew why Mark had done it. Mark had surely held back enough this weekend. He could hardly blame him for speaking his mind when Mark was just trying to protect him. In all truth Seb didn't think he could have kept going much longer, even to try explain things to his boss.

“If it's any help I hardly had the words out before he was agreeing,” tried Mark.

“It's okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Course.” Seb leaned more into him. “I just wanna go home.”

“Me too sweetheart. Home, re-set, bit of time to ourselves for a while and put this behind us.”

“Yeah.”

 

They went through the turnstiles at the edge of the paddock and were soon in the car, headed to the airport and on their jet going home. As soon as they could, the belts were undone and Seb was leaning into Mark, his arm across Mark's front holding himself in place while Mark's arm was just as firmly around Seb.

Sebastian looked up at Mark.

“Thank you.”

“What for?”

Sebastian looked at him. For staying with me though every step of this weekend and never once complaining about how hard it was. For supporting me when it was torture and still giving me a smile across the garage. For giving me strength. For never letting me down. For standing up for me and protecting me, even from myself. For caring more about me than rules and procedures. For taking me home. For loving me.

“Everything.”

Mark smiled and squeezed Seb closer as he kissed his cheek. His Seb, safe in his arms, big blue eyes looking up at him, a soft smile on his face. Mark smiled back. He had all that he needed, right here. He wasn't going to think about how things were a year ago, of the fear he had endured, or the desperation he had felt as he begged Seb to open his eyes and come back to him. Seb was here, right now, and that was all that mattered.

 

 

* * *

 

 _Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge_  
_I'm trying not to lose my head_  
_It's like a jungle sometimes_ _  
_ _It makes me wonder how I keep from goin' under_

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flippin heck, as Dan said, that was brutal, but all that repressed emotion all weekend was bound to tumble out. I think the paddock press should be heartily relieved Mark really didn't go around breaking a few noses. Perhaps it's best Seb didn't name names. Britta will find more subtle ways to punish them.
> 
>  
> 
> Oh BTW, anyone get the link between chapter titles? Just for the randomness, no good reason connected to the story. I suspect the end bit here gives it away.


	174. Onwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So we move on as they must...

* * *

  


 

Sebastian and Mark sat in the now very familiar waiting area outside Rachel's office. They were early, which was also fairly normal. Seeing as the receptionist downstairs had rung through to let her know they were there Rachel came out to meet them a few minutes before their allotted time.

“Hi. Sorry, I was just finishing up,” she apologised, shaking hands.

“Oh no we're early,” assured Seb.

“Come through. It's nice to see you. Would you like a drink?”

Mark caught Seb's eye and getting a tiny shake of the head answered for both of them.

“No we're good thanks. Nice to see you too Rachel.”

“Thanks for coming in. Laura should be with us shortly. Take a seat.”

  


They sat down as instructed and Rachel went back around her desk, another chair waiting for the social worker who was due to join them. She smiled over and let out a little breath, wondering if she ought to mention the past weekend. There had certainly been plenty of media coverage, but perhaps best not?

“How are you? Well I hope?” she offered vaguely.

“Very good thanks. Nice to be home,” replied Mark.

“Yeah it's nice to be back for a while.”

Rachel nodded.

“Good. Well I'm glad you could come in. Now while we're waiting for Laura, you're still okay for that first class I booked for you next week?”

“Monday night,” checked Sebastian.

“Yes. It's just an introductory session.”

“Yeah that's fine isn't it Mark?”

“Yep all good. We're away the weekend after.”

“Ah yes, I did get your schedule, thank you. Where are you off to again?”

“I'm at COTA which is Austin, Texas. Seb's in Singapore.”

“My goodness.”

“Yeah, unfortunately about as far apart as we can be.”

“At least if we're racing at the same time we're home for a while in-between,” noted Seb. “After that we've got another ten day block before we have to go away again.”

“Yes, very good. Well that's handy isn't it?” agreed Rachel. “Perhaps we can arrange some more classes for then?”

“Yeah that'd be good.”

“Great. Well maybe go along to this first one, let me know what you think and I'll set up some more.”

“Thanks Rachel, that's very kind of you.”

Rachel smiled and shook her head.

“My job, but thank you.”

 

There was a polite tap on the door. Rachel called through to enter and the new social worker appeared, bringing a fresh round of polite shaken hands and chit-chat until she took her seat.

“I was just saying they've got their first parenting class on Monday,” explained Rachel to her colleague.

“Ah right, yes.”

“We're looking forward to it aren't we?” offered Mark, wanting them to understand how keen they were.

“Yep definitely,” Seb agreed.

Rachel smiled and nodded.

“They're going to let me know how they get on and then, as I mentioned to you Laura, they've sent me their schedule so I can arrange more.”

“Ah yes, okay well that's good. Rachel said you're back and forth quite a lot with work?”

“Um, yes. October's a bit crazy,” admitted Seb, “but we'll go whenever we can.”

“Doesn't really matter to us if it's in different places,” offered Mark.

“Ah okay. Rachel you're taking care of that?”

“Yes. We'll just slot in where we can. Seb and Mark are very committed aren't you?”

“Absolutely,” insisted Mark. “It's just really October, November, that's packed, but we're very lucky, we hire a plane to get around, so as soon as we can, we go home in-between races.”

“And we do want to come home in-between where we can,” assured Seb. “I think really only Japan next month we've got back-to-back races so we'll probably stay out there.”

“That's fine,” assured Rachel. “Just if you can keep me up-to-date?”

“Absolutely,” promised Mark.

“An email is fine. Just to add to my diary.”

“We really want to push on with things,” Sebastian asserted.

“Yes, well on that note. Perhaps we should get into things,” suggested Rachel. “Now, it's wonderful that you have been approved to adopt, but as I said last time I saw you, that's really only the first step.”

 

Seb and Mark glanced at one another. They'd discussed before coming that they had to be honest with Rachel. Mark took in a breath.

“Okay, so what do we need to do next then?”

“Well, the parenting classes are a good step, but the main thing we need to address now is the matter of matching you with a child that needs a family.”

Both Seb and Mark nodded, wondering what they ought to say.

“Now as I said, that's not an overnight process,” continued Rachel. “It's vital that we get it right, both for you and a child you might be matched with.”

“Of course,” agreed Mark.

“Yeah we understand,” concurred Seb.

“Good. So before we look at that, perhaps we ought to discuss whether you have already had thoughts on what you were hoping for, in terms of adoption, age, sex, whether you wanting one child or if you would consider siblings.”

“Oh gosh, um.”

Seb looked to Mark.

“I know it's a lot to consider,” allowed Rachel, “you don't have to make any kind of final decisions today.”

“It's really just to get things started,” Laura added, “and possibly to get us started with our search, but it's a big decision, so as Rachel says, we don't want to put pressure on you.”

 

Sebastian and Mark looked to one another again. This was difficult, but they had to say what they thought.

“Um okay, so we have talked about it,” braved Sebastian. “And, well, the thing is we'd really like a baby. That's what we want. I don't think we care if it's a boy or a girl.”

He looked to Mark who nodded. Rachel and Laura looked to one another as well. Rachel had thought from previous comments that might be the case.

“Okay,” she replied cautiously.

“We know that won't be easy,” added Mark, “but it's what we want.”

Rachel paused.

“And um, we think just one child,” Sebastian put in. “At least to start with, so I don't think we could promise to take on siblings.”

“It's just with the jobs we do. We travel a lot and I think we'd have our work cut out adapting to doing that and making sure we properly look after one,” confirmed Mark.

“Mm,” nodded Rachel.

“You should be aware that the chances of being matched with a child under two years old are slimmer,” explained Laura.

 

Mark caught the look in Seb's eye and subtly took a hold of his hand as they sat together.

“We understand that,” he asserted. “But it's not impossible?”

“No not impossible,” assured Rachel. “Of course Laura's right. It is more difficult. I'm afraid an awful lot of those wanting to adopt wish to adopt a baby.”

“And we quite understand why,” added Laura. “It's just that, well, I'm afraid this may sound cold, but it's a matter of supply and demand. There are less babies needing adoption than older children and more prospective adopters who want those babies.”

Mark squeezed Sebastian's hand. They had anticipated this answer.

“But it's not impossible?” he repeated.

“No it's not impossible.”

“We get that it might take some time,” offered Sebastian.

“Mm.”

“I mean of course there _are_ babies needing adoption,” assured Rachel, “but you should be aware that if your heart is set on this then the wait could be longer.”

Sebastian nodded. It hurt to hear this, but it wasn't a surprise.

“We understand,” asserted Mark.

“Okay.”

“It's just, it's what we want Rachel,” explained Seb. “It's what we dream of. We want a baby. You know so they're ours from the start and they're really ours, our family.”

 

Rachel looked at him and wanted to sigh. He sounded so impassioned. Why was it those who deserved children weren't always the ones to have them? Some of the cases she dealt with showed her the complete opposite. Her job broke her heart sometimes, but the chance to put that situation right was what kept her going.

“I understand,” she promised. “We're not saying that you can't want that. We just need you to be realistic.”

Sebastian bit his lip and nodded.

“We do offer sessions where prospective adopters join children needing adopting for play mornings, that kind of thing” explained Laura, “sometimes that changes people's minds about slightly older children.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who shook his head.

“I'm sorry Laura. That's not us. We don't want to sound heartless and I'm sure they're great kids, but our heart is really set on a baby,” he explained firmly.

“I know that probably sounds bad,” added Sebastian. “We know those poor children need homes too.”

Laura shook her head.

“It's fine. I'm not trying to guilt you. I just wanted to explain, that's all. If you've made a decision you're set on, then we work from that.”

“And you're not at all heartless,” assured Rachel. “I'm sure you'll make wonderful parents.”

“No I didn't mean to imply otherwise,” added Laura. “It's important to be honest about these things if we're to make a good match. If your hearts are set on a baby it is important that we understand that, otherwise we're not going to find the right child for you.”

“So you do think we could have a baby?” asked Sebastian.

“Well we can't promise anything at this stage. We can only promise to start the process of looking.”

“Oh okay.”

“And the reason we're being honest about the fact it is harder, is that we don't want to give you false hope. You need to be realistic.”

 

Seb nodded, but Mark could see that look in his eye and squeezed his hand again.

“We are realistic. We get it will take some time, but you're right, we want to be matched with the right child.”

“Of course you do,” agreed Rachel. “And your wishes are key, so that's fine, this is what this meeting is for. We need to understand these things to start the process.”

Sebastian looked at her.

“It's not an unrealistic dream is it Rachel?”

Rachel shook her head.

“No of course not. It's just not an easy one.”

Mark huffed a dry little laugh.

“None of this has been easy. I don't suppose we should expect that to change.”

Rachel gave him an apologetic smile.

“No. I'm sorry. On the other hand, perhaps you can take heart from the fact that you have fought this far and the approval to adopt is testament to your determination. I can't imagine that will change.”

“No it won't,” agreed Mark.

“Good. You're going to need all that determination.”

“Rachel if we hold out and really want a baby is there any kind of idea how long it might take?” enquired Seb.

Rachel glanced to her colleague.

“In all honesty, and we owe it to you to be honest, no. It's a bit of a piece of string question.”

Seb frowned so she continued explaining.

“The issue with adopting babies is two-fold; One is that as Laura says there is high demand, but also we can't say how many babies there are likely to be, as it were, available. They're being born, if you see what I mean?”

“Oh, right.”

“So we don't know what may be coming our way. Perhaps that sounds as though we're talking of children as commodities, but there is an extent to which it is a numbers game.”

 

“There are some babies who we know about in advance,” chimed in Laura, “there are mothers who approach us while pregnant who don't wish to keep their child and there are a few where there are actually mandated adoption notices before the child is even born, though that is rare.”

“Then there are children, babies, that are taken into care,” continued Rachel, “but this is partly where the issue is; where children have to be taken into care it can be an instant matter, but that's usually in extreme cases where they have to be taken from their families immediately to ensure their safety.”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a second. He hated what that implied.

“However in other less clear-cut cases it's a matter of literally building a case,” explained Laura. “That's more my side of things and as you may understand, that takes time and thus, babies may no longer be babies by the time they come into care and in complex cases where the parents fight it, children can be pulled back and forth, in and out of care.”

“God that's awful,” let out Mark.

Laura looked at him, her face serious.

“Yes it is. I'm afraid we live in an imperfect world. Our job is to try to help those children, but the parents have rights too, even when perhaps we may think that they should not. It is a very complicated business.”

Mark nodded. He wouldn't have her job for the world. If he encountered any parent mistreating a child, Christ, a baby, he wouldn't have a hope of being professional about it. He rubbed his thumb over Seb's hand, partly comforting him, partly himself, as they absorbed all this.

 

“Okay.” Mark took a deep breath. “So we just have to wait and see?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“Is it stupid to ask if there is any kind of time-frame, just from past experience?” asked Sebastian.

“It's not stupid,” assured Rachel, “there's no stupid questions here. You should feel free to ask us anything you want and if you think of things when you're away you can always drop me an email. I can't promise to reply immediately, but I will answer as best I can.”

“Thank you.”

“And to answer your question, theoretically these days we aim to match approved adopters with a child in six months, but that is just a statistic. Reality is more complex.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay.” He glanced to Mark. “Six months isn't so bad.”

“No,” agreed Mark.

“Not that we can promise six months,” noted Laura.

“No we get that, it's just to give us some sort of idea.”

“The thing is statistics don't really tell you the full story, when we talk about a match we mean just that, so it's not just a matter of a baby becoming available and being given to the next set of parents on the list. It doesn't work that way. We look for a genuine match, we introduce you and see if we think it's right, for you and the child. We have to look at the circumstances, the situation of the birth parents. All that.”

 

Both Seb and Mark were nodding along. It felt as though they were jumping into a deep, dark hole here with no idea how far it was to the bottom.

“On the flip-side, it also means that situations are constantly changing and developing,” offered Laura. “Every week there are new cases for us to deal with and as we mentioned, particularly with babies, there can be children needing adoption next week that we know nothing about right now.” She gave them a little smile. “This job certainly keeps you on your toes.”

“So it could be that there suddenly is a baby available?” tried Seb.

“It's possible. Almost anything is possible. There are what I would think of as more linear, predictable situations such as pre-planned adoption from birth and we will certainly be looking at that, and then there are, well, again this sounds bad in that I am describing it as an opportunity, but the truth is things happen, parents are killed in an accident say and a baby survives, or they become ill and pass away. It sounds horrible, but that's the truth of this.”

“We had just that case last year,” noted Rachel. “I had a baby who survived a car crash that killed the parents sat in the front.”

 

She looked at them, trying to remember that her day-to-day was not the same as theirs.

“I hope this isn't upsetting to you?”

“No it's okay,” assured Seb. “I mean it is kind of horrible that we might benefit from something like that, but we need to know the truth.”

“Well the way I see it, it's not that you'd be benefiting from a sad situation, but the child is being lifted out of it. You don't make any of those things happen. By the time we come to you, whatever it is that has happened, has happened. What you offer is a lifeline to that child. A family that is much needed. I don't think I've said this often enough, but you are offering a wonderful thing, not just to a child, but to society.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I think we're being pretty selfish really. We just want a family.”

“Well you're not selfish. Not at all.”

Mark gave Seb a little shake of his head. It didn't really surprise him to hear Seb talk that way.

“It's not selfish sweetheart.”

“No of course not,” concurred Laura. “We don't want children in orphanages like in the bad old days. That does terrible things to a child, even in the best places. They need a family and we're sure you could be a wonderful family. Rachel has told me all about you and you have a lovely home. I got a very good impression when you were kind enough to show me round.”

 

Mark gave her a smile and a nod. Thank god they had her and not that other woman now. Seb beside him took a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay. Thanks. So, um, basically we just have to wait and hope?”

Rachel gave a little tip of her head.

“Sort of. We start the process and see where we are going. As we've explained we can't predict, well, really _any_ of it at this stage, but it could either be that we find a mother whose child is, to coin a phrase, needing to be 'pre-adopted' and you see if you are comfortable with that, if you want to commit and the mother and possibly father are also comfortable with that.”

“Though even in that situation there is still a waiting period before adoption is confirmed,” amended Laura, “for your sake and theirs.”

“Okay, and the other one is the 'out of the blue' type situation?” presumed Mark.

“Quite,” agreed Rachel, “and naturally by its nature we can't predict those.”

 

Mark took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He looked to Sebastian beside him, wondering what they ought to say next.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” asked Seb.

Rachel gave him a little smile. They were so keen. She wished she could make this easier for them.

“Well you're starting the parenting classes, that's good. That helps us be in a position where we can say you are really ready to take care of a child. We can see about signing you up for more classes that are specifically for those adopting babies.”

Seb nodded.

“We have looked after my niece a bit. She's just six months old. She came to stay with us in the summer. We changed nappies, fed her, looked after her. We even took her swimming and things, you know in our pool.”

Rachel nodded.

“That's great. Did you enjoy it?”

“Yeah it was wonderful. We know we can do this Rachel.”

“I have no doubt Seb. We just have to do all we can to make it happen.”

 

Sebastian nodded and Rachel looked to her colleague.

“One thing we haven't discussed is fostering.”

Seb turned to Mark and he spoke up.

“We really want to adopt,” he stated.

“Ah, no, sorry. What I was thinking is there is a programme called foster-to-adopt. What it means is that effectively you are fostering a child with the intent to adopt. That way a child can come to you as soon as possible while the adoption is processed through the legal system. It can take months.”

Mark sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. The idea of more delays was the last thing they wanted to face.

“Okay, so what does that mean.”

“Fostering-to-adopt? Well just that really. You have to be cleared to foster, though only in those specific circumstances, you wouldn't be asked to foster generally.”

“The idea is that a child is in care for the minimum amount of time,” added Laura. “As we mentioned, everything we do is designed to ensure that children are in secure, safe, happy families. If we can make that happen as soon as possible then that's what we do. I know everything we've been saying may make it sound like it's the opposite.”

“No that's okay,” allowed Mark. “So it would mean that a baby could come to live with us sooner?”

“In theory, yes. The upside of it is that in an ideal world it's a win, win. A child is with a family that he or she should hopefully be with on a permanent basis and they get to bond as soon as possible. The adoptive parents are able to have the child with them sooner and the child has a far less damaging experience of the system. We don't want children in care. We want them with good families. If we can make that happen sooner then that's ideal.”

Seb and Mark looked at one another.

“We'd definitely be up for that,” stated Sebastian, his voice sounding more hopeful than it had all through their meeting.

“Yeah. How do we sign up for that?” asked Mark.

“Well, just to add, that the downside is that there is an element of insecurity to fostering,” counselled Rachel. “It is by definition impermanent. Now ideally, it becomes adoption, but you should be aware that there are occasions were it doesn't work out. Parents can regain custody of children, circumstances can change. It can even be that it isn't working for you.”

“But that could be true anyway couldn't it?” pressed Sebastian. “I mean if we were still in the process of adopting?”

“Yes.” Rachel looked at him. “None of this is guaranteed. It's all risk. You do have to be brave to even enter this process.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded and Mark gave him a little smile before looking back to the women sat opposite them.

“Our whole lives are built on taking risks.”

Rachel huffed a little laugh and nodded.

“Yes. And I have no doubts about your bravery. However, we would rather explain things and give you what are essentially the worst case scenarios to prepare you, than sell you some rosy promises we can't fulfil.”

“Okay, thank you,” accepted Mark.

“So this foster-to-adopt thing. Can we sign up for that?” asked Seb.

“You'd need to be approved, but again without promising, I shouldn't see a major issue given you are already approved to adopt.”

“It's more a case of discussing things further and being sure you understand it all,” added Laura, “particularly the element of risk involved, for your sake.”

Sebastian nodded and looked to Mark who nodded as well.

“Yeah okay. We want to do that.”

“Okay. I'll look into it for you,” agreed Rachel.

“Given that you want to adopt a baby, and still making no promises, it would be particularly good,” Laura added, “not just for you wanting a baby to be a part of your family from the start, but a child. It is very damaging to children to be passed around the system. We do all we can to prevent it, but it happens. If a child, a baby, could come straight to you it would be far better for them in terms of their psychological development and well-being.”

“And that's true from birth,” noted Rachel. “There's lots of studies to support it.”

Seb took a deep breath and nodded.

“We do want to do the best thing for our baby, you know?”

“Of course.”

 

Rachel smiled at him. She was tempted to tell them that if there was a baby on a shelf waiting she would hand it to them, but that wasn't how it worked. She was pretty sure they knew that.

“So we just leave that with you?” checked Mark.

“For now, yes.”

“Will it help our chances?” asked Sebastian.

Rachel glanced to Laura.

“It won't hurt. I can't say it will make things happen any sooner, but it would mean that a child would be with you sooner in the process.”

“Okay then,” he nodded.

“Yep,” concurred Mark. “We'll do anything that helps.”

“I know you will,” agreed Rachel.

She looked to Laura who had been the one making notes on this occasion.

“Can you think of anything else we need to go over?” she checked.

“I don't think so. Not at this stage. Was there anything you wanted to ask?”

Laura looked over at them and Mark and Seb looked to each other, then both shook their heads.

“Okay, well like I said, if you do think of things you can email me,” offered Rachel.

“Thanks.”

“And you've got your first class to look forward to.”

“Yeah.”

She gave them a smile, seeing how serious they looked.

“We are here to help you. We want to find you the child that is meant to be a part of your family. That's why we're all here. It's why we do what we do. Nothing would make me happier than to match you and see you happy.”

Mark gave her a little smile back.

“Thank you. We appreciate that.”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb. “Thanks.”

“Okay well unless you've got anything Laura, I think that's plenty to be going on with.”

“Yes, so if you're making a start with your classes and Rachel and I will begin the process of looking.”

“And I'll look into the fostering side as well,” confirmed Rachel.

“Thank you.”

  


They stood and shook hands and then as soon as they had said their goodbyes Seb and Mark were in the lift. Seb let out a long puff of air and Mark pulled him into a hug. Sebastian closed his eyes and buried his face in Mark's shoulder for a minute, only pulling away when the lift pinged and he realised they were at the ground floor. Mark took his hand and they walked outside. Grateful for the fresh air.

“Can we walk for a bit?” requested Sebastian.

“Hmm?”

“I just want some air. Can we just walk down the road or something?”

“Oh. Sure,” agreed Mark.

They crossed the car-park and exited out onto the pavement, heading down the nondescript road which matched the nondescript council offices on the outskirts of town.

“Are you alright sweetheart?” asked Mark. “I know that wasn't the easiest.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't know.” He puffed a long breath. “I know they're trying to dampen our expectations a bit, so we don't get our hopes up.”

“Yeah. Not easy to hear though.”

“No.”

“I'm sure they're going to try to help us,” asserted Mark.

Seb looked to him.

“No I know. I'm sure they are. I guess it's just the chance part of it I'm struggling with. Not having any idea if it will happen or how long it will take.”

“They don't want to make promises they can't keep.”

“No. That's fair. I don't have a problem with anything they said, it's just not easy.”

Mark nodded. He knew Seb didn't like things being out of his control. At least the parenting classes felt a positive step.

“You know the upside of chance is that it could really happen any time,” he offered. “Could be sooner rather than later if there's a baby suddenly needing a home.”

“Yeah. I didn't realise about the fostering thing. I think that's good.”

“Mm. I'm kind of surprised Rachel never mentioned that before.”

“One step at a time I suppose. It felt like a mountain just to get here.”

“And now there's the full Himalayas in front?”

Sebastian huffed a dry little laugh and nodded.

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded and let go of Seb's hand to put his arm around him.

“I know. Well, we'll just have to keep climbing. No giving up, right?”

“Right.”

Mark smiled and turned his head to give Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“It's going to happen darling. I'm sure of it.”

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and pushed it out.

“Okay. I just feel a bit squashed.”

  


Mark sighed and rubbed his arm.

“They're just trying to protect us. Like you said, not wanting to get our hopes up it'll happen right away.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I know. I wasn't really expecting it right away.”

“No course not. They just laid it on a bit heavy.”

“Maybe. I'm sure they meant well.”

“I'm sure they did too sweetheart, I'm just saying.”

 

The walked a little further, no plan on where they were really going.

“We should turn back,” asserted Seb.

Mark nodded and they turned tail, walking back the route they had come.

“It's a lot, after last weekend,” noted Mark. “Maybe we should have delayed?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No I want to get things going. It's better. It's okay. We should be realistic. It'd be worse the other way.”

“Yeah. You never know darling. Something might happen and they just need someone who can take a baby right away. We'll sign up for that fostering thing and then we can take a baby in and offer them a home. That has to help.”

“Can we do that?”

“Hm? I'm sure the fostering thing is just a formality, a bit of discussion and agreement so we understand how it all works.”

“Yeah that I get. I mean what if they really did turn around tomorrow and say they had a baby for us?”

Mark puffed a breath out.

“I doubt it would be tomorrow.”

“No but, I don't know, say in a month. I know it's unlikely, but just what if?”

“Well I'd be pretty surprised, but okay.”

“We wouldn't say no would we?”

“No of course not.”

“So what would we do?”

Mark paused and thought about it.

“I guess we'd just find a way to do it. We'd look at the calendar and see if there was any way we could take turns being home and, well, if not then I'd just have to go to Porsche and tell them I had to step out.”

“Really?”

“Yes of course. That's what I'm going to do anyway. I mean sure, this late in the season wouldn't be ideal, but I don't think we can plan this. I think we're just gonna have to roll with it.”

Sebastian stopped and looked at him.

“What?” frowned Mark.

“Mark you're leading the championship right now.”

“Long way to go yet.”

“Yeah but you'd just drop that?”

“If it came to it. Yes.”

Seb shook his head, then reached up and gave him a kiss.

“Thank you Liebling. You're amazing.”

“What for? It's what we agreed isn't it?”

“Yeah but just to say you'd drop everything.”

Mark shrugged.

“It's our family. There's nothing more important.”

Sebastian nodded.

“You're still amazing.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder and gave Seb a kiss back.

“You're pretty special too sweetheart. It'll work out. We've just got to be positive about things and see what happens.”

“Okay. I love you Liebling.”

“Love you too darling. Shall we go home?”

“Yeah.”

  


As they got back into their car Sebastian turned to Mark.

“Liebling.”

“Mm.”

Seb paused.

“Shouldn't I be offering to take time out? Not just letting you.”

Mark frowned.

“Darling it's what we discussed.”

“Yeah but it's all on you.”

“No it's not. Sweetheart it's us together. That's the whole point.”

“Yeah but you'd be taking time off racing.”

“Sure. Doesn't mean it's all on me though unless you're planning on leaving me to do all the night feeds and nappy changing.”

“No course not.”

Mark smiled.

“I know you wouldn't. I can't imagine it actually. I have every expectation of having to wrestle the baby from you so you can get in the car to go racing.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and leaned in to kiss him.

“Yeah maybe. I kinda like that idea.”

“Good. That's fine.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“I just want it so much, you know?”

“I know. Come on, let go home, do something nice to take our minds off it. Bike ride, swim, whatever you like.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Any preference?”

“Nope. Lunch maybe.”

“Lunch sounds good. Let's go then.”

  


  


  


 

Early on Monday evening Mark and Sebastian stood outside what was actually a local college where the parenting class was amongst other evening classes being held in the building. They really had no idea what to expect so Seb took Mark's hand and they walked inside, looking on the large A-frame sign propped just inside the door with sheets of paper pinned to it listing the locations of the various classes next to a map. Mark scanned it and puffed a breath.

“I didn't realise we'd need a map.”

Sebastian rubbed his arm and smiled.

“We'll find it.”

“Yep.”

It took a bit of wandering, but they eventually found the room with an A4 sheet of paper blue-tacked to the door announcing which class was in there. Sebastian looked to Mark as they paused outside.

“This feels so weird.”

“Mm. Never know, we might learn something interesting,” he offered.

Seb nodded and they both took deep breath before entering the room. It might be a classroom during the day, but there were no desks in here, only chairs set out. There was another couple already sat down, looking a little nervous themselves, but other than that there was just the woman they presumed was running the class stood towards the front, sorting through a few notes on a table set by the long window which filled most of the far wall. As they walked in she turned and smiled as she came over to meet them, offering out a hand to shake.

“Vettel-Webber?” she queried.

“Um, yes,” agreed Sebastian.

They both shook hands and went with her as she went back to the table to tick off against a sheet. Mark glanced to Seb and then over to the other couple who were quietly chatting to one another on the other side of the room, then back to the woman.

“Um, can I ask how you knew?”

She looked at him, then realised Mark was asking about him saying their names before they did.

“Ah, well you're the only male couple here tonight.”

“Oh, right.”

Mark nodded. That made sense. He supposed they were in danger of getting paranoid about being recognised and someone spilling the beans somewhere. He really did need to get to talking to his team about this.

“Although,” continued the woman confidentially, “perhaps I should say that your case worker Rachel Groves did speak to me.”

“Oh?”

“Yes and I will just have a little word at the beginning regarding privacy, although of course that applies to everybody.”

“Of course.”

“Well there's tea and coffee over there, help yourself. Five minutes or so until we get started.”

Both of them nodded thanks and went to another long table set out at the back with refreshments, getting themselves a drink before nodding a polite, if slightly awkward hello to the other couple. They looked slightly older, perhaps early to mid forties and Mark wondered what their story was. Presumably everyone who was coming here was in the process of trying to adopt. No doubt they had their own battles they had fought getting here.

 

“Do you think they recognise us?” whispered Seb under cover of taking a sip of tea from his standard white little cup.

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. I thought I was being paranoid with her. Guess we're just gonna have to deal with it.”

“Mm.”

“Shall we take a seat?”

Sebastian nodded and they sat on a couple of plastic chairs that were set out, trying not to be too obvious about the fact they weren't sitting too close to the only other couple in here. They passed a few minutes talking quietly about plans for the coming week and what they might do with their last day at home tomorrow before they were parted. A few more couples appeared, some older, younger, different ethnicities, but all were male/female couples apart from one woman who arrived on her own. Seb tried not to stare at her but he wondered if she was going through this process alone. That would be very brave in his view, though of course he knew there were plenty of happy and successful one-parent families.

He sipped his tea and it occurred to Seb that he was making assumptions about a stranger. For all he knew she could have a partner who was unable to make it tonight for whatever reason. Maybe they were away, maybe they were working? They'd got a few looks from the other people coming in themselves and Sebastian guessed they were making their own judgements about him and Mark. Maybe they had thoughts on them being a gay couple? Maybe they recognised them? Maybe they were just bored waiting for the session to start? Most of them had done the same as they had and spoken to the woman running the class before getting drinks, exchanging polite nods or hellos and getting a drink before sitting.

  


When there were perhaps seven or eight lots of prospective parents in the room the woman checked her sheet and seemed satisfied she had everyone here she was expecting. Mark smiled and as she went to shut the door he leaned in and whispered in Seb's ear.

“I half expected her to take the register then. I feel like I'm back in school.”

Sebastian huffed a tiny laugh and shook his head. The woman stood at the front and introduced herself and explained that this evening was a starter session.

“So you don't need to worry about me asking you to change any nappies tonight,” she joked, “and I can see a few relieved faces, so that's good. No, we save that for a little further on. Tonight's just an introductory session, a chance to ask questions and think about what you might need from parenting classes.”

She paused and looked out.

“Are there perhaps any initial questions before we start?”

Nobody put their hand up and Mark thought that this really did feel like school. He'd actually prefer to be given something practical to do like change a nappy. Seeing as nothing came forth she nodded.

“Okay, well for your information the nearest fire exits are just at the end of the corridor and our muster point is clearly marked at the edge of the football pitch in the unlikely event of a fire alarm going off. Although that said there is a cookery class in the Marston Wing so you never know.”

She smiled and there were polite smiles back at her trying to keep things light.

“Oh and if you didn't notice, there are bathrooms just back along at the top of the stairs so if anyone needs to step out feel free, this isn't school so you don't need to ask, likewise feel free to help yourself to drinks and biscuits. These are intended as friendly sessions. I'm here to help and you're all on the same journey more or less towards the goal of adopting.”

She took a sip of her own coffee and Sebastian and Mark were both fairly sure she glanced at them before speaking again.

“Although just to make one serious point. I should say that within this class we should all respect one another's privacy. The adoption process requires a lot of private and personal information, so if anyone should share something I would ask you to respect that and not let it go beyond this room.”

She looked out and just gave a little nod, taking it as read.

“Good, well on that note, just as a matter of form we stick with first names and as a reminder I'm Ailsa. If you're curious, I have three children of my own, all grown-up now, though feel free to tell me that I don't look old enough.”

She smiled and Mark wondered how many times she had been through this routine.

“No? Ah well. Anyway, I've worked in social services in one form or another for an alarming thirty years now, so I've seen quite a bit. I have been involved in the adoption process, though now my focus is on preparing parents for that role. So, hopefully I'm equipped to answer quite a lot of your questions, though if I can't, you can leave them with me and I will get back to you. Okay, well I've talked enough, so to give us all a breather we've got a little video to watch.

She picked up a little remote control and pointed it at an overhead projector. Over on the little table with her notes there was a laptop plugged in, presumably with the video linked to play and after a moment the large white-screen at the front lit up and she went to sit at the side to press play.

 

Mark sent Sebastian a look as they sat through a very generalised video on the joys and pitfalls on parenting, then another on adoption with some recent adopters talking about their experiences that felt rather more relevant, though neither Seb nor Mark were really sure what they were learning. When that finished Ailsa stood and gave them a little more chat before saying that she was going to open up the session a bit. Sebastian looked to Mark, hoping it wasn't going to be one of those hideous 'getting to know you' bits where they would have to say who they were and what they did. The last thing he really wanted to do was to have to stand up in a roomful of strangers and say, 'Hi I'm Sebastian Vettel-Webber and I'm a racing driver. Oh you're a milkman, how lovely.'

Thankfully the woman running the course didn't ask anyone to stand and reminded everyone to stick to first names and just share a little of what experience they had looking after children and if they had any thoughts or requests on what they were hoping for with these sessions.

“I can't promise to tailor things, but we do run a number of sessions in different locations and I will be speaking to your respective case workers, so it may be a help to know what you are thinking.”

A few other couples had made the mistake of sitting right at the front, so they were called on first before the woman looked promptingly to Seb and Mark. They both had to speak publicly as part of their work, but this felt uncomfortably personal. Sebastian saw Mark give him the _'you're better at this than me'_ look and took a breath.

“Um, okay, I'm Seb and this is Mark. We've just been approved to adopt so I guess we're just getting started. We've looked after my niece a bit who's just six months old and we are hoping to adopt a baby, so I guess that's good.”

Sebastian looked at Mark trying to get him to say something, so Mark picked things up.

“Um, yeah I guess in terms of what we're hoping for from these sessions I guess seeing as we're hoping to adopt a baby, just more on that really, a bit of practical stuff wouldn't go amiss. We've changed nappies and made up bottles and stuff, but I think more would be good and other than that I'm not sure, perhaps stuff we need to know about child development maybe? Just stuff we need to know to make sure we're looking after them right, health stuff and things like that I reckon.”

 

Mark looked to Seb who nodded, then they both looked to the woman at the front who had been making notes, then thanked them and moved along to the next. It all seemed fairly low-key, nobody entirely sure what they wanted or expected, though not everybody said they were wanting a baby, which Seb rather took heart from. Then as they got to the back where the couple who had been here before them were the man spoke first introducing himself and his wife, saying how they too were newly approved, then looked to his wife who seemed not to want to speak, then suddenly burst out.

“I'm not sure why we have to be here. We had a baby, so we already... We had a baby, but...” she swallowed, clearly getting upset, “but she died and we couldn't, couldn't...”

The woman burst into tears and pushed past the other chairs to rush from the room, her husband sighing before rushing after her. The woman running the class looked mortified. She closed her eyes for a second, then looked at the assembled group.

“I'm so sorry, I had no idea. Please excuse me a moment.”

She walked out to try to see if she could find them and once she was gone, just like school, the room filled with a burble of subdued chatter. Mark puffed a breath and shook his head as he looked to Seb, only seeing then that his eyes looked watery.

“Hey sweetheart, you alright?” he checked.

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“It's so sad.”

“Yeah.”

Seb puffed a breath trying to calm himself down.

“That must be why they're adopting. If they lost one. Oh god Liebling I can't even imagine.”

“No.”

“It must be so hard for them.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. To be honest I'd have thought their case-worker ought to have warned her not to get into anything like that.”

“Yeah. Maybe they were a late addition or something? She can't have known.”

“No.”

 

Mark glanced towards the door, wondering what dramas were going on beyond it. You never knew what hardships others were enduring when you were trapped within your own little bubble. He put his hand on Seb's arm and gave it a rub. A minute later Ailsa reappeared, unaccompanied by the couple. Naturally she didn't look too happy and she took a moment before addressing the group.

“Okay. I'm sorry about that. As I said, I'm afraid I wasn't aware of the circumstances. Okay. Well, they've decided to leave for now which is of course entirely understandable.” She puffed a little breath, clearly pulling herself together. “Okay, look I should say, these sessions are voluntary and designed to help you, nobody should feel pressured to discuss anything they don't want to. If you'd rather not say on anything then that's absolutely fine and if there are any matters you would like to discuss privately then I'm here both before and after sessions and more than happy to talk to anybody about any concerns, or well anything really. Okay. Well we have another video, so perhaps now would be a good time.”

She went and clicked on another video talking about early years care and Mark and Seb looked to one another, both seeing the sigh she let out as she sat down to take a moment. Mark suspected somebody down the line was going to get some unhappy feedback about their failure to forewarn her to adapt her standard introductory session. At least she hadn't asked them all why they wanted to adopt. Mark suspected there were likely to plenty of tales of woe in this room. He gave Seb a little smile and put his hand over Sebastian's, guessing correctly that he was thinking how he knew from personal experience how people hid sometimes terrible traumas from the outside world behind an ordinary façade.

 

As the video finished the woman running the class seemed to have regathered herself. She stood up to address them.

“Oh and while I think on, as a reminder to what I said before, everything said within these sessions is treated confidentially, but I would also ask that that applies to all of us. It's a matter of trust. I'm sure you understand that has to be reciprocal.”

She took a deep breath.

“Okay, well, to move on perhaps it would be useful to discuss what areas we generally cover in these sessions. Now there is a leaflet to take with you at the end, so don't worry about memorising things, but they do include; child nutrition, working with the school system, issues with children who have been in care, accessing support, differently able children, specific classes for baby care...”

 

Sebastian puffed a silent breath as she ran on, sharing a look with Mark who tried not to smile. Both of them thinking _'Oh god'._ There was so much. Were they meant to know all of it? Mark wondered whether he ought to worry that he had tuned out slightly. If they had a leaflet he could just look at that surely?

The floor was opened up to questions and though some of them made Mark and Sebastian smile slightly, though they weren't unreasonable.

“Do we get like, a certificate for completing these classes?”

“Ah, no not exactly, though it is noted that you attend and your case workers will ask for any feedback. Not a judgement as such. It isn't a pass or fail, but more whether more or particular classes might be recommended.”

“Do we need to come to classes in a series?”

“No, you may attend those classes you are able to, those you feel are most appropriate, there may be ones you wish to repeat and as I mentioned earlier, there are sessions held in different locations at different times, so hopefully they should meet your needs.”

A woman near the front awkwardly half-raised her hand.

“Um, this might sound stupid, but I mean I'm presuming we don't have, you know, real children at sessions, but do we do practical things, like nappies on dolls, that kinda thing?”

“It's not a stupid question. Yes. We do indeed practise nappies on dolls if you come to some of the baby-care classes. It may feel silly, but actual practise is valuable, though naturally a doll isn't the same as a wriggling, crying baby which pees on you.”

A few people in the room laughed and Seb felt for the woman having to try to work the audience into relaxing. He knew a little how that felt when he was dealing with a stony-faced media crowd in press conferences. He gave her a smile and she looked at him.

“Yes, did you have a question?”

Oh god, thought Seb, almost regretting trying to be friendly now. He didn't want to say no, so he tried to think of something to ask.

“Um, so I guess on the same lines as the last question, whether there are indications which are the more practical sessions, learning to do the things you really need to, like making up bottles and well I can't really think now, but things along those lines.”

“Do you mean on the leaflet?”

“Um yeah.”

“Ah, well not exactly, but I'm more than happy to run through them with you if that's something you wish to focus on.”

“Oh, okay thanks.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark who gave him a nod and a little smile. This was all so awkward. He would far rather rather be doing something that felt slightly dumb like playing with dolls than sitting here. There were more questions and some more chat from the woman running the class and then it seemed very suddenly the hour was up and it was over. People were getting up and replacing half drunk cups of tea and coffee on the table at the back before thanking the woman and exchanging a few words, taking the leaflet and going on their way. Seb and Mark hung back a bit to speak to her, waiting until she was alone. As the couple ahead of them left she looked to Mark and Seb and gave them a smile.

“So, how was it then? Not as scary as you thought?”

Seb and Mark looked to one another, neither wanting to say that it had mostly been awkward and a little bit boring.

“No, thanks,” replied Mark.

“Seb, thank you for asking a question, people can be a little shy at introductory sessions.”

“Oh no, that's fine.”

“You were interested in practical sessions.”

“Yeah.”

“I think we're both keen to focus on the practical,” added Mark.

“Good, okay well I'll feed that back to Rachel for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Okay well this is the leaflet. It's essentially an overview with the details of times and places for sessions.”

Sebastian took the leaflet.

“Thanks, so well I don't know if Rachel mentioned, but we're going be very back and forth over the next few months, for our jobs you see.”

She nodded and Seb wasn't sure if she meant that she knew already or if she was just acknowledging what he was telling her. He glanced to Mark who picked things up,

“So we're trying to arrange things via here, well she offered to help us out booking sessions and such like,” he explained.

“Ah okay.”

“So maybe, I don't know if you're able to help a bit? Like Seb mentioned we'd really be particularly interested in any kind of practical sessions and baby classes. I think that's what we really need more than the theory.” Mark gave Sebastian a smile. “I'm sure Seb reads enough theory for most of the class put together.”

Sebastian tsk'd and shook his head, but he was smiling.

“Mark reads too. It's what we do when we've got time when we're away, stuck in hotel rooms or waiting around.”

“Read about parenting theory?”

“Pretty much, baby books mostly. I have them on my Kindle.”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“Hmm, we're gonna have to get another one for when we're at different races.”

“So we are,” agreed Mark. “Anyway. Would you maybe be able to help a bit with that? Any kind of advice on which classes would be good for us?”

“Of course. I email back all the case-workers so would it help if I had a look though it all and gave that information to Rachel and she could co-ordinate with you?”

“That would be brilliant. I think we're going to have to just cram them in where we can, have a few in a row maybe when we are home, that sort of thing.”

“Ah okay. Yes I see.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah that'd be a real help,” concurred Seb. “Thanks very much.”

“The idea is that this is all to help, so that's not a problem,” assured the woman. “Hopefully I'll see you for some of them.”

“Yeah.”

“Right well we'd better go, thanks again.”

 

Seb took the leaflet and waited until they were outside in the corridor to carefully fold it up and put it in his pocket. The pair of them huffed a breath and Mark slung an arm around Seb as they walked out. As they reached the car-park Seb looked to Mark.

“I wanted to ask her about that couple who left, if they were okay, but I suppose it wouldn't be appropriate.”

“No guess not.”

“I felt really bad for them.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian frowned.

“You don't think anyone's likely to leak about us being there do you?”

“I don't think so sweetheart.”

“I suppose she did say.”

“Yeah plus everyone in that room is on their best behaviour aren't they?” noted Mark. “Someone goes and sticks it on Twitter that they saw us there and I don't imagine them breaking confidentiality would go down too well.”

“You mean for their case?”

“Yeah.”

“Mm hope so. I mean not that it should go wrong for someone, but that they wouldn't say. I'd sort of hope seeing as we're kind of in the same boat people would have a bit of sympathy. You know like fellow feeling.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek thinking how Seb always looked for the best in people.

“Solidarity amongst adopter? Yeah let's hope so.”

 

 

They had reached the car so they climbed in. As they did Mark turned to Seb.

“I'm gonna try to find a way to talk to Andreas this weekend.”

“Oh? About this you mean?”

“Yeah. Well taking a year out anyway.”

“Okay.”

“I mean you told your boss months ago,” noted Mark.

“Well Christian's a bit different.”

“True, but Andreas is a decent bloke.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Are you going to tell him just about us wanting to adopt or about you taking a year out?”

Mark puffed a breath and rubbed at his jaw. It was tricky. He could just tell his boss the basics and then he could probably rely on him keeping it to himself. If he told him about potentially taking time out, an entire season probably, then Andreas might well feel compelled to feed it higher.

“Dunno.”

“Maybe start with just talking about us adopting?” proposed Seb. “Then you could kind of get a read of him.”

Mark pressed his lips in the way he did when he was mulling something over and nodded.

“Yeah maybe. I suppose I've got to start there anyway. In a way I'd kindof rather do it all in one go, like ripping off a plaster.

Sebastian huffed and laugh.

“Lovely analogy Liebling.”

“Sorry. You know what I mean though?”

“Yeah. Well it's up to you isn't it? What do you think his reaction is likely to be?”

Mark shrugged.

“No idea really. 'Why can't I have an easier driver?'”

Seb shook his head.

“He can't say that. It isn't fair.”

“It is kindof true though.”

“No. You're a great driver. They're very lucky to have you. You're a two-time Le Mans winner, you work great with your team-mates and the team as a whole, you're good with the media. They should be thankful.”

Mark chuckled and gave Seb's knee a little rub.

“You wanna come and rep for me darling?”

“No. Just, don't undersell yourself. I think you're going to win the championship this year. Porsche can't turn around and mistreat you.”

Mark gave him a soft smile. Seb was far more defensive of him than he ever was of himself.

“Okay. Just me fretting a bit. You're right sweetheart, good idea to test the water a bit, build from there.”

“They can't say no anyway can they?” asserted Sebastian. “You're in the middle of your contract and it's a legal right to take parental leave. They can't say no or try to dump you. They'd be in loads of trouble. The publicity would be terrible.”

“All good points. I'll probably need to call you for a pep talk before I go in there.”

“I'm just trying to help.”

Mark leaned in a little closer and put his hand on Seb's arm as he shook his head.

“Sweetheart I wasn't teasing. I meant it.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“That's okay. I guess I put it badly. I mean I appreciate your encouragement and advice. As always of course.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian lifted up a little in his seat and stole a kiss, making Mark smile.

“Shall we go home then?” prompted Mark.

“Yep.”

  


They drove off out of the car-park onto the A-roads. As they reached a set of traffic lights Mark looked to Seb.

“What did you think of that then tonight?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Dunno. I mean okay I guess. She seemed quite nice.”

“Apart from making people cry.”

“Oh Liebling I'm sure that wasn't her fault. She looked awful after.”

“Yeah I guess. Alright, yeah she seems okay. Nice of her to send stuff to Rachel.”

“Yeah I was think we should email her as well, maybe tomorrow afternoon then we could fix things up for next week when we're back. It'd be nice to have things organised.”

“Sure. Hopefully practical sessions should be a bit more interesting.”

“Mm, was a bit dull. I suppose it was just the intro.”

“Yeah.”

“I wonder what she feeds back?”

“Just our questions and that we were there I reckon.”

“Do you think?”

“Yeah. It's not like she'd have much to judge us on is it?”

“I spose not.”

The lights changed and they pulled away.

“To be honest sweetheart I think half of this is really just about showing willing. I don't know how much use putting nappies on dolls really is.”

“You'll do it though?” checked Seb.

“Course. It will play with all the dollies they like. Take one home if they want. Do you think it'll be a 'Tiny Tears' and we feed it a fake bottle until it wees itself?”

Sebastian stared at him in astonishment and Mark burst out laughing.

“Oh dear. I don't know if that's a cultural or an age difference,” he admitted. “Didn't any of your sisters have those kind of dolls?”

“No. Oh my god. Who'd want a doll that pees?”

“God only knows sweetheart, but they seemed to be all the rage in the seventies and eighties.”

“Did Leanne have one?”

Mark furrowed his brow and thought.

“Dunno. I'll have to ask her. Not sure Leanne was really a dolls kind of girl, but then she's older than me so maybe she'd grown out of them.”

“Very strange idea.”

“Mm, quite. Anyway, my point was I'll do anything they like. You never know, it might be fun.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Playing with dolls? My god, imagine what the paddock press would make of that.”

Mark chuckled.

“You know what darling? I reckon this is one of those times where they genuinely wouldn't believe the truth if they heard it.”

“Too far-fetched?”

“Yeah.”

“Exclusive: Rugged racing star Aussie Grit changes peeing dolly's nappy. More on page eight,” offered Seb with a smile.

 

The pair of them cracked up laughing, then Mark sent Seb a wink.

“Rugged?”

“And handsome,” grinned Seb.

“Oh my. You can write my copy any day darling.”

Sebastian smiled.

“That's terrible innuendo.”

“Is it even innuendo?”

“It is the way you say it.”

Mark chuckled to himself.

“You just wait till we get home darling I'll give you all the innuendo you like.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You're getting worse.”

“You shouldn't encourage me.”

“Yeah it's definitely my fault.”

“You lead me astray.”

“Hmm.”

Sebastian pretended to narrow his eyes at Mark, but he was smiling, which rather spoiled the effect. Mark just grinned and deliberately turned his attention back to the road. Perhaps it was relief at the first parenting class not turning out so bad as they had feared, or the fact that felt they really were making progress? It could just be that tomorrow was their last day at home together before being parted for five horrible days, but they were definitely in the spirit to make the most of their night and their last lie-in while they could.

  


 

  


  


Early on Wednesday morning they were at the airport, bags checked in for the first regular flights they'd had to take in an age and stood together in the departures lounge. There seemed no point using the private plane when they were literally going in opposite directions. It was also the first time they were to be parted in an age too.

“Five days,” pouted Seb.

“I know darling. Sucks,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian sighed, still pouting at him and Mark had to smile at how cute he looked. He leaned in and gave him a kiss. As they lifted apart Seb sighed again and tightened his arms around Mark's neck, lifting up on his toes to press his cheek into Mark's. They'd both shaved this morning and it felt nice, smooth skin against smooth skin. Neither of them wanted to move. Seb sighed pathetically again and Mark rubbed over his back.

“Will you be alright?” he checked.

Seb moved his head to look at him and lowered back down as he nodded.

“Yeah. I'll just miss you.”

“I'll miss you too darling.”

Sebastian nodded again.

“I'll be alright.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Press stuff?” checked Mark.

  


Sebastian shrugged one shoulder. He'd deliberately tried to avoid all media coverage in the aftermath of the Italian Grand Prix, but when they went into the coffee shop on their run on the Tuesday after, they found they had saved the papers from the day before and Seb and Mark hadn't wanted to be rude by not looking at them. The headlines weren't really unkind, indeed most praised Seb's bravery and seemed pleased by his show of emotion, but Sebastian didn't really want to see pictures of himself on the podium when it only reminded him how wobbly he had felt.

“Thanks Jean. Very kind of you,” he smiled.

“We're so proud of you.”

Sebastian looked at her and smiled a far more genuine smile.

“Thank you.”

“I watched, my husband too.”

“Uh huh.”

“I honestly don't know how you do it.” Jean looked to Mark and gave him a little sympathetic shake of her head. “Or you dear. Well, anyway enough of that. Coffee, and put your wallets away.”

They sat down and Mark subtly put the newspapers on another table as if it was just that they needed room. He'd have to stick at least a fiver under the saucer when they left. Jean would tell him off next time they were in but it was almost like a game they played now. When one of them had done well she'd insist on giving them free drinks and neither Seb nor Mark wanted to offend her, so they left better tips on other days or surreptitiously left something towards it at least so they didn't feel guilty, and that way they all remained happy.

  


  


 

“I'll be fine,” insisted Sebastian, not wanting Mark to worry while they were parted. “At least I'm not down for the press conference this time.”

“Mm, that's good.”

“And the rest?” Seb shrugged. “I'll have Britta. I'll be okay. They'll get their harping on about Monza over on the Thursday and we'll move on. You know what short attention spans they've got.”

“Guess so.”

“Someone will announce a driver change, or Bernie will threaten to drop a classic race to try to wheedle more money out of them and all the media heads will turn.”

“Like sheep.”

“Just so. Guess that's why they keep them in a paddock.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Isn't that horses?”

“I dunno. Maybe. Anyway...”

“Anyway. Yeah just so sweetheart. You'll be fine,” assured Mark.

Seb nodded.

“I'll just call you up for a moan afterwards.”

“You can moan all you like for me.”

Sebastian looked at Mark and knew he was dropping in a little innuendo to tease him. He rolled his eyes and Mark gave him a wink as Seb tried not to smile, both of them automatically thinking of how they had spent their time at home this morning before they'd had to get up and face reality. The look between them turned softer and Mark moved one hand to rest at the nape of Seb's neck, the long fingers splaying through his hair as Mark leaned in to kiss him, taking his time and neither of them caring where they were or who was looking.

As Mark lifted away he smiled to see that Sebastian's eyes remained closed, his head still slightly tipped back as he hung onto the moment Seb had lost himself in. Mark smiled and looked at those beautiful long eyelashes, those incredible lips. How was he supposed to leave them?

Seb was thinking of last night. All nights like that, making love like it was the end of time, with them to be parted forever, because there was always a chance that they might be.

A moment later Sebastian opened his eyes and came back to reality with a bump. Five days without Mark's hand resting just in the right spot there at the small of his back, firm, strong, supportive. Five days without that teasing smile and those nice warm eyes. Five days without snuggling up together on the sofa. Five days sleeping alone in their separate beds on opposite sides of the world. Too long. Too far apart.

 

Mark had moved his hand from the back to the side of Seb's head and stroked over his cheek with his thumb as he looked into his eyes.

“You'll be okay.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “You too.”

“Mm.”

Mark thought how he had been here a year ago, tortured at leaving Seb behind when he was sick and weak from his accident. That trip to COTA had been a nightmare. One he needn't even have put himself through. Andreas had been far more understanding than he had feared. Hopefully the same would be true this time.

“Are you worrying about talking to the team?” asked Seb.

Mark moved his hand from by Seb's face and rested it on his upper arm.

“A bit. I dunno. I think I might just do like you said and test the water. It's only Andreas, he won't screw me over.”

“I'm sure he won't. What about JB, are you going to talk to him too?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“God, one step at a time.”

“Sorry.”

“No no, I mean you're right, I might do, but I've got to focus on the work side.”

“I don't think Jenson would say anything.”

“No, but I'd rather deal with what I really have to. If it goes okay with Andreas then I might have a word with JB.”

“Okay. Will you warn me so I can tell Jess? She'll be hurt if she has to hear it second-hand.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Course.”

“Thank you. I know it's not the main thing.”

“No she's your friend. Our friend. I do want to tell them. It's just a bit tricky.”

“I understand Liebling. Are you just going to see if you can find a moment alone with Andreas?”

“Yeah I reckon I'll have to play it by ear.”

“Sure. Okay well we can talk on the phone can't we?”

“Course we can,” agreed Mark. “I'm sure we'll be doing that plenty.”

 

Sebastian smiled. The time-differences combined with the fact that the race in Singapore ran on European times more or less, meant they had spent yesterday afternoon getting so confused about when would be suitable times to call one another that they had ended up printing out each other's schedules and adding in next to it the times for where they would be. At least that gave them some idea, though it still scrambled their brains slightly.

“All the time. As much as we can anyway,” agreed Sebastian.

“Yeah.”

Mark took a deep breath and looked up to the screens to see his flight was now listing.

“I need to get a move on darling.”

“Oh. Right, okay.”

Seb closed his eyes a second to compose himself, then squeezed into Mark.

“I love you so much Liebling. Take care won't you?”

“I always do.”

Mark gave him a kiss.

“And same applies.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“That you love me or to take care?”

“Both. Love you and take care. Call me all the time. Sod time differences, if I'm not actually driving I'll answer.”

Sebastian smiled. Baring disaster he planned to be sensible about his calls, but they'd still be wearing out their mobile phones this weekend.

“Okay, gotta go,” apologised Mark. “So, okay. I should be there for midday, dump my bags and straight to the circuit for a few bits and pieces, then back to the hotel. You're getting there?”

“It'll be Thursday morning,” reminded Sebastian. “Early, maybe eight-thirtyish by the time I reach the hotel, so I'll check in, sort myself out and call you then. Somewhere around nine am hopefully.”

“Right, which should be... about ten my time. No, eight, I'm going the wrong way.”

“Yeah I think eight. So I'll call you, then get a nap, well a sleep hopefully, before heading to the paddock.”

“There we go then. Okay well I'll speak to you then.”

“Yep. Okay, well have a safe flight Liebling.”

“You too. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

 

They hugged each other tight, then Mark tore himself away, picking up his flight bag from by his feet and with a final quick kiss forced himself to walk off to his gate, turning and giving Seb a wave before he was gone from sight. Mark sighed and trudged off to stand in line, wondering how on earth he had done this a year ago. It was hard enough now being parted from Seb, Mark had no idea how he'd done it then. His head must have been even more of a mess than he realised.

Mark found his documents and stood holding them when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket and swapped them into his left hand to pull it out.

SEB: Love you Liebling. Hope this is a great race for you.

Mark smiled, thinking at least Seb was as bad as him. He hadn't lasted five minutes before sending a message. He held his phone on one hand and used his thumb to type a reply.

MARK: Love you too sweetheart and ditto. Just in Q

SEB: Ok <3

 

“Sir?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry.”

Mark shoved his phone away and sorted out showing his ticket and passport before flashing the woman what Seb called one of his 'charmer' smiles, which, though Mark was of course uninterested in the highly coiffed, though admittedly attractive, airline stewardess, did at least soften her disapproval of him ignoring her the first time around. Mark boarded his flight, found his seat and stowed his bag before settling down and getting his phone out again.

MARK: <3 you too darling. Hope yr going to try to sleep on the flight.

SEB: Harder without you, but I'll try.

MARK: Good. BTW if I do get round to telling JB I'll be leaving the bit about the dolls out, so no telling that to Jess or I will never hear the end of it.

MARK: Ever.

 

Sebastian read the follow-up message and laughed. Oh dear. Jenson would love that detail _way_ too much. He couldn't do that to Mark. His macho image would never recover. It would also make the whole story unbearably tempting for their friend to share with his little coterie of cyclist/driver gang mates back in Monaco. No, much as he trusted Jenson, Seb didn't want to make keeping their secret any harder.

SEB: I wont, I promise. He'd never stop laughing.

MARK: Precisely. Okay, gotta go, they just did the 'switch everything off' announcement & the stewardess looks the type who might confiscate my phone. Speak to you on the other side. Love you xox

SEB: Love you too xoxox

Sebastian got no more replies. He hoped he'd sent the last message quickly enough that Mark had seen it before he'd been a good boy and turned his phone off. He sat sat back and sighed, looking up at the information screens waiting for his flight to be called too. Onwards. Ever onwards. Five whole days apart.

  


 

* * *

 


	175. Timing

* * *

  
  


 

Mark hung around at the end of the team meeting on Thursday, but his boss walked out with the engineers and Mark could only gather up his hoody and follow them. Maybe today wasn't the time? They were still focussing on setting up for the race. It might not be an idea to distract either himself or his boss with what could be a pretty complicated issue. Mark bypassed the group ahead and reached Jenson who was strolling off back to the Porsche base.

“Ah there you are mate. Were you tying your shoelaces?” smiled Jenson.

Mark frowned.

“Huh? No, just... anyway.”

“How's Seb getting on?”

“Um, fine I think. Bloody confusing trying to keep on top of the time-differences.”

“Yeah I'd imagine so.”

“FP1 isn't until six pm there which is... Oh god, I've lost it again.”

Mark frowned as he counted in his head. Singapore was thirteen hours ahead, no behind, it was definitely behind. No it wasn't, it was ahead.

“Honest to god, it fries my brain,” he complained. “Even the app thing is confusing me seeing as they do the night running there.”

“Right.”

Mark pulled his phone out to check.

“Okay, they're ahead of us, so nearly eleven here. Um, okay, so that's midday there, but they don't start running until six. Pm that is.”

“So you have a six hour window to talk on the phone?” teased Jenson.

Mark gave him a look, then smiled.

“Not the full six hours. I'll ring him from the hotel in an hour or so.”

“Right. You're not staying up to watch?”

“Oh god mate, don't tempt me. I'm under strict instructions not to.”

“From Andreas?”

“From Seb.”

Jenson laughed and patted him on the arm.

“Hubby doesn't want you driving tired.”

“No. same applies for him, though we might manage a bit here and there. It's so complicated. I should be able to watch quali. His that is.”

“What time will that be?”

“Um.” Mark tried to remember what he had written out on the sheet of paper they were trying to use to keep track of all this. “Eight am here. So that's not bad. I can just watch in bed seeing as we don't start our race until five.”

“And that's when?”

“Saturday morning here.”

“And the race? His race I mean,” enquired Jenson.

“Oh no that's okay. Doesn't kick off until seven am Sunday and I'm not flying back till the afternoon.”

“Ah okay. Christ, you're right, it is complicated. I thought I had it bad with Jess in Japan.”

“Is she there right now?”

“Yep.”

“Right. Pff, complicated lives we live.”

“Indeed. Oh well, worth it, right?”

“Of course.”

 

Jenson nodded. He'd already gone to sit in Mark's room with him when he arrived to double-check that Seb really was doing okay after his tough weekend in Monza, but it seemed a fortnight was a long enough time for them to have re-set themselves. Good job really seeing as they were now racing on opposite sides of the world. Mark did seem a little preoccupied though, but Jenson put that down to a mixture of missing Sebastian and worrying about him, which he suspected Mark did even if Seb was ostensibly fine.

  
  


  
  


  
  


By the time Mark got back to the hotel he'd already answered a text from Sebastian had sent when he woke up, promising to ring him when he got in. He changed out of his team gear into pyjamas, used the bathroom, sent his parents a message to tell them all was going well, but he was fairly tired and would speak to them when he got chance, then finally settled into bed dialling Seb's number.

“Hey Liebling.”

“Hey. You sound very awake,” smiled Mark.

“Do I? I don't know. To be honest Liebling I'm so confused what time it is, my body hasn't a hope,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I was pretty much having that conversation with Jenson earlier.”

“Were you? How is he?”

“Fine.”

“And Practice was okay?”

“Yep all fine, just standard stuff. What about you?”

“Well I'm not going down there for a bit yet. It's only just gone twelve so I guess I'll go to the gym here, get breakfast and then head down.”

“Ah righto. So have you just got up then?”

“Yeah pretty much. I was checking stuff online.”

“You mean about me?”

Sebastian smiled and leaned back where he sat on his bed in another hotel room far away.

“Yes of course, well everyone in WEC I guess, but I was mostly focussed on you.”

“I'm very flattered.”

“Your times look good.”

“Yeah not bad. I think the Audis have us on the straights, but long way to go yet.”

“Isn't that always true in Endurance?”

Mark laughed.

“Guess so. Anyway you think you'll be set for your practice later?”

“Hopefully. I had a decent chat with the guys yesterday, but we've just got to get on with it.”

“And no more media trouble?” Mark checked.

“What since I've been asleep?”

 

Mark wished he was sat beside Seb to give him a teasing tickle for that repost.

“I meant... I dunno.”

Sebastian softened, wishing just as much that Mark was with him.

“It's fine Liebling. Britta helped. She was shutting anyone down who got too much.”

Mark nodded, they'd already discussed this first thing his morning and before Seb went to bed last night, but he still worried.

“Okay, well it'll only be bits and pieces today won't it?” he checked.

“Yep. Should be all business,” confirmed Seb.

“Good. I wish I could stay up to watch.”

“No Mark don't. It's only FP1. You can't be getting up at the crack of dawn for that when you've got a full day ahead.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I guess. I might be able to catch a bit of FP2 if it's playing in the base.”

“Don't worry about it.”

“Hmm.”

“I understand Liebling,” assured Sebastian. “I wish I could watch you, but... I don't know, I was thinking maybe quali.”

“No darling, that's like seven am your time.”

“Well that's...”

“Effectively the middle of the night when you're on night running,” interrupted Mark.

Sebastian sighed.

“Oh I spose.”

Mark shook his head.

“It sucks sweetheart, but it's what we're stuck with this weekend. We just have to trust we'll both be fine.”

“Pfff... Okay,” accepted Seb reluctantly.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I don't suppose you've had chance to try to get a word with Andreas?”

“No. I tried, but there just wasn't the opportunity sweetheart.”

“I'm not trying to pressure you.”

“I know. It's okay. I just... Hmm, I dunno. I think I might have to leave it and not worry about it until after.”

“After the race?”

“Yeah. His mind is gonna be all focussed on that now. I'm not sure he'd appreciate me dumping a problem in his lap when he needs to be giving it his full attention.”

“No I guess not. Alright well after then?”

“Yeah.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Be nice if I had a good result to sweeten him up a bit.”

“You will.”

“Hmm we'll see.”

“I hope so anyway.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, don't worry about it,” counselled Sebastian. “You need to be focussed on work as well.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian paused.

“Am I not helping?”

“Oh no darling of course you are, you always do. I'm just a bit tired.”

“Oh okay. Shall I go?”

“No stay, unless you need to rush off?”

“I can stay a while. I don't need to be at the track until three-ish.”

“Ah okay.”

 

Mark let out a long sigh.

“Are you in bed?” enquired Sebastian.

“Yep. Just snuggling down now.”

Seb sighed as well.

“I really wish I was with you.”

“Believe me darling, so do I,” assured Mark. “What about you, where are you?”

“Well I'm on the bed rather than in it.”

“Ah.” Mark closed his eyes and turned his head on the pillow, keeping the phone to his ear. “Can you just talk to me a bit sweetheart, then I can try to drift off?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yes I can do that. What shall I talk about?”

Mark smiled a little and thought.

“I dunno darling, anything you can think of. Tell me something nice. Tell me what we're going to do when we get home.”

Sebastian shifted to sit propped against the pillow at the head of the bed.

“Okay, so we'll meet at the airport on Monday morning and go straight home, straight to bed.”

“Straight to bed?” smiled Mark. “Now that sounds promising.”

“Mm, well I'm not going to have seen you in five days so I think we might need a little rest first.”

“First?”

“Mm.”

Mark huffed a laugh at the implication.

“Okay, then what?”

“We'll get up and shower and then we'll go down and get pounced on by Shadow and Simba.”

“That's a given.”

“Exactly,” concurred Seb. “Then eat whatever meal we want to call it, take the boys out for a walk and then come home and cuddle up on the sofa.”

“Ah now this is sounding better and better.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I wish I could cuddle up to you now.”

“Yeah. You close your eyes too darling,” instructed Mark. “We need a virtual hug.”

“Can we have a virtual cuddle?”

Mark laughed.

“Sure. We'll just have to turn our imagination up a notch.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark took in a deep breath and rolled onto his back, trying to imagine Sebastian cuddling in close, his body leaning in to rest partially over him, his soft cheek pressed just below his shoulder, Seb's arm across his chest, holding on to make sure he didn't roll away in the night.

“I love the feeling of you sleeping with me,” declared Mark.

Sebastian laughed.

“Sleeping with you?”

“Oh, ha, well that wasn't what I meant, though that too obviously.”

“Obviously. I quite like that too Liebling.”

“I'm flattered. No, I meant just sleeping sweetheart. Just sleeping into me. It feels nice.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“Yeah it does. I like that. I hate sleeping without you. It just feels so wrong.”

“Did you make a fake Mark?”

Seb pouted.

“No.” He half-smiled as he relented. “I might have brought your hoody.”

“Into bed?”

“Yes. Are you going to take the piss?”

“No darling, absolutely not. I think it's very sweet that you do that.”

“Sweet?” challenged Seb.

“Nice then,” adjusted Mark. “I like that there's a piece of me there in bed with you.”

Sebastian smiled again.

“That's how it feels, and it smells of you.”

“You can cuddle that then.”

“I do.”

Mark smiled to himself. How could he tease Seb when that really was so very sweet? He was counting down the hours until they could have a real cuddle instead of a virtual one.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


Mark got to his room at the base and texted Seb a quick reply to the waiting message of congratulations, saying thank you and telling him he'd ring him back in five. Mark peeled his race-suit off and gratefully climbed into the shower. Second place. Pretty good. Not perfect, but pretty damn good. It meant they retained their leadership of the championship which was important and the other car had won which, though it made Mark slightly jealous that it couldn't be them, was of course still great for the team. There had been rain midway through the race and the trip that Brendon had taken off track hadn't helped in their efforts to fight to take the lead, but Mark didn't blame him. If he'd been behind the wheel at the time no doubt it would have been him frantically braking to stop the car from crashing into the barriers. It could so easily have been a DNF, not second place.

So all in all Mark was pretty pleased. He gave his hair a quick wash to remove the sweat that accumulated when you wore a cowl and helmet racing for hours, then showered off and climbed out to dry himself and dress in more team kit which did at least feel fresh and clean. Mark sat on his bed and swigged some water down as he texted his parents thanks and told them he'd call them later, then saw one from Fabian that made him smile.

FABE: Well done. 2nd's good, tho I reckon you wouldn't have skidded in that rain.

Mark chuckled and shook his head. Perhaps his seventeen year old brother-in-law wasn't the best judge of driving standards in tricky conditions, but it was nice to have the support.

MARK: Cheers mate. Don't tell me you stayed up all night watching?

FABE: Course. Don't tell Mum tho, I watched on my laptop in bed.

Mark shook his head.

MARK: Thanks. I hope you're going to get some kip before watching your brother race.

FABE: Me too, you should I mean. Well done anyway. Are you guys coming to visit sometime do you think?

Mark hadn't meant to keep pinging messages seeing as he needed to call Seb, but his little brother sounded so eager.

MARK: Dunno kiddo we'll have to see. Thanks for the support.

  
  


Mark felt a bit bad for brushing him off, but it would be worse to make a promise he couldn't keep. The Autumn was so packed for them. He wished they had about half the number of races in all honesty, but it was what it was and they were trying to pack in working on adopting too. Poor young Fabe might have to wait until December. Mark switched the phone to dial out and rang Seb's number.

“Liebling well done!”

Mark huffed a laugh at the immediate enthusiasm.

“Thank you darling. Not bad anyway.”

“Second's great. I'm very proud of you.”

Mark smiled and felt a warmth spread though him. Not much beat Seb telling him he was proud of him in such thrilled tones.

“I wish I could give you a hug well done,” continued Sebastian.

“Me too sweetheart.”

“Virtual hug.”

“Okay.”

They both closed their eyes and went silent for a moment. Mark was almost sure he could feel Seb's eager arms around his neck, one of those lovely round cheeks pressed in against his own. Damn he missed him.

“Love you darling. I wish you were here too,” he admitted.

“Yeah. Oh well.”

“Yeah. Okay well thank you sweetheart. Did you get to watch much of it?”

“Just the last two hours really, so I saw your last stint and then Timo over the line.”

“Cool.”

“I'm sorry I couldn't watch it all.”

“No no darling you'd have been up at the crack of dawn. That's no good when you're not racing until tonight.”

“No I guess not.”

“You saw the important bit,” assured Mark. “The rest is just going round and round.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Isn't that everything we do?”

“Meh, kinda.”

“I watched in bed streaming on my laptop,” explained Seb.

Mark chuckled.

“Your brother just texted the same. Must be a Vettel thing.”

“I'm not just a Vettel. I'm a Vettel-Webber.”

“Of course you are. Me too. So I'll be watching your race in bed tomorrow morning.”

“On your laptop?”

“Telly I reckon seeing as it's shown here.”

“Ah okay. What time will it be?”

“Seven till nine or thereabouts.”

“Okay. What time is it now with you?”

“Midnight, nearly.”

 

Sebastian puffed a breath. He couldn't wait until they were in the same time-zone as each other again.

“Are you done?” checked Seb.

“No, got the debrief yet, then I'll go back to the hotel, get a few hours and be up to watch you. What time do you think you'll call before the start?”

“Oh Mark I shouldn't wake you.”

“Yes you should. I want to speak to you before the race. Any time after six would be good.”

“How much sleep will that give you?”

“Sweetheart it doesn't matter.”

“It does. How long?”

“Four hours give or take. Enough for a rest. Then I can sleep on the flight home. I'll catch up.”

“I suppose.”

“My race is done darling. It's you we're focussed on now.”

“Hmm, okay well a bit before half six probably.”

“Right well I'll set my alarm to give myself a nudge before then and leave the phone by my ear, so make sure you let it ring.”

“Okay.”

“I'll wake up, promise,” Mark vowed.

“No that's okay. I like talking to you before I get in the car anyway. I'll just close my eyes and pretend you're here.”

Mark smiled. He couldn't tease Seb when he did the same thing himself.

 

“Alright. Well I was thinking, seeing as Andreas should be a pretty good mood I'm going to try to catch a quiet moment with him.”

“Now you mean?” checked Seb.

“After the debrief, yeah,” Mark agreed.

“Oh okay, and you're alright and stuff?”

“Alright?”

“Well you know, not worrying about it.”

“Oh, well I dunno. I'll just have to see how I get on.”

“Sure.”

“I don't know how much I'll tell him.”

“Mark don't worry about it. Like you said, maybe play it by ear, see what his reaction is to the basic stuff.”

“Mm.”

“I don't see why he should have a problem with it.”

“I don't think he will. Certainly not about us adopting, no, just whether I can talk to him about taking time out.”

“Ah, well...” Seb paused, unsure what to say. “Just see how you get on.”

“Yeah. Okay I'd better go.”

“Oh okay, well don't stress about it,” offered Seb.

“Okay. What are you doing now then?”

“Me? Breakfast, get ready for the day and then head in.”

“Right. God I'll be glad when we're in the same place.”

“So will I.”

Mark huffed a laugh. Talking on the phone to your loved one was bad enough, but needing a schedule and a time app just to work out when to call or expect to be called was driving them both slightly crazy. Oh to be in the same room, better still the same bed.

“Okay well I'll see how I go with Andreas and I might try to give you a ring after it if that's okay?”

“Of course it's okay Liebling. I'll be doing some prep but I can probably step out and if not I'll ring you back.”

“Great. There we go then. I'd better get going. Love you sweetheart.”

“Love you too Liebling. I hope it goes okay.”

“Me too. Speak to you in a bit then probably.”

“Yep. Bye.”

“Bye.”

 

  
  


  
  


Mark hung up, stood and put his shoes on before heading out to join the rest of team to go over the race. Given the one, two result everyone was in a pretty good mood, so the atmosphere was pretty jokey and positive even as they ran through the serious work with the engineers. After a race like today there might normally have been some kind of little celebration, but by the time they finished it was one in the morning and with many in the team catching flights early the next day all most people wanted to do was get back to their hotels for some rest. Mark hung on as best he could, taking his time over pulling on his shell jacket to try to catch his boss alone.

He went to the front where Andreas sat and his boss stood up with what seemed quite an effort.

“Alright boss?” smiled Mark.

Andreas gave him a polite smile.

“Yes. Tired though. My bed is calling.”

“Mm.”

“When is your flight Mark? You're not dashing back right now are you?” checked Andreas, knowing Mark's usual habit of leaving as soon as possible after races to get home.

“Oh no, I'm not flying back till tomorrow afternoon, or this afternoon I guess.”

“I see.”

“I can't get back in time to watch Seb's race you see, so it's better to watch it here and fly back afterwards.”

Andreas smiled to hear him speak of his devotion so casually, as if it went without saying, which perhaps it should.

“Sebastian has his race in, where is it this weekend, Singapore?”

“Yep that's it. On in the morning over here.”

“I see, well wish him luck from me.”

“Thanks. When are you headed back?”

“Ah well I need to get back to the garage and see the pack up is all in order, then get a few hours rest and fly at... um...” Andreas paused and frowned, his mind so clogged with race minutiae and tiredness he was struggling to think. “I'm heading for the airport at midday.”

“Right.”

“Perhaps I shall see you for breakfast in the hotel?”

“Yeah um, sure.”

Mark wondered whether he could leap in and ask his boss if he had a moment for a chat, but Andreas shouldered his bag and gave him a pat on the arm.

“Great race today Mark, well done. I need to get going before I fall asleep where I stand.”

“Sure. Thanks, yeah okay, bye then.”

Mark walked out and set off in the opposite direction to his boss. Damn. That wasn't how it was meant to go. He hadn't even broached the most basic of introductions to the topic he needed to. Bollocks.

  
  


 

 

With nothing else for it, Mark went back to the hotel and dropped back onto the bed. He stared at the ceiling for a moment, then checked the time. Christ. Twenty to two in the morning. He was tired. No wonder his boss had wanted to get some rest. He couldn't blame him, but it felt as though he had failed in his mission this weekend. The right moment never seemed to materialise. Maybe he hadn't tried hard enough? Maybe he had chickened out?

Mark puffed a long breath and pressed dial on his phone. He waited while it rang a few times and was just about to leave a message when Seb picked up.

“Hey Liebling, sorry. I was just getting into my room,” he explained.

“At the base you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“You free to talk?”

“Course. I'm just heading off to see Antti in a bit for a massage, then going down to the garage, but I've got a while yet.”

Mark instinctively narrowed his eyes slightly, not at all keen to think about the burly Finn putting his hands all over his husband. It wasn't logical seeing as he knew Seb hadn't the slightest interest in his trainer who he always joked had all the personality of a robot and Mark knew it was simply what you did to stretch the muscles ahead of what was a particularly tough race out there in hot temperatures and humidity of Singapore. Indeed he had massages himself to prepare for races, but Mark still didn't like it. Maybe if Antti wasn't Finnish?

“Mark?”

“Hm?”

“I said did you get chance to talk to Andreas then?” repeated Seb.

“Oh. Sorry sweetheart I'm pretty tired.” Mark sighed. “No. I didn't.”

“Oh right.”

“It just didn't happen. I tried but it was a long meeting and Andreas just looked knackered. He was clearly trying to rush back to the garage and then off to bed.”

“Oh okay, well I suppose that's fair enough.”

“Yeah. Problem with it being an evening race.”

“Yeah it does kindof throw things out of whack,” agreed Seb. “Everyone's gonna want to get away as fast as possible tonight after the race.”

“Yeah. Anyway I'm sorry.”

“Sorry?” frowned Seb. “Why?”

“Well I promised I'd talk to him didn't I?”

“Oh. Well don't worry Liebling. It's not your fault there wasn't chance. If he was tired and you are too maybe it wouldn't have been good to do it now anyway.”

“Mm, I suppose.”

Mark sounded a little down and Seb wished he could see him.

“Liebling don't worry about it. You'll find the right moment. I took ages before I managed it with Christian didn't I?”

“I guess. I'd just sort of set myself up to do it this weekend.”

“Well I guess you'll just have to do it next time.”

“My next race isn't for nearly a month. I don't want to keep putting it off.”

“Could you maybe ring him in the week?” proposed Seb.

Mark sighed.

“I'm not sure it's the sort of thing I want to do over the phone. I need to get a read on him and that's the sort of thing you need to do in person.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“No sweetheart you're trying to help. It's my fault. I should have grabbed the bull by the horns and done it earlier.”

 

Sebastian puffed a breath and sat back on his bed against the wall. He didn't like Mark sounding unhappy.

“It's not the end of the world Liebling,” he tried. “I know it's annoying, but you'll find the right moment. It's not so urgent. Much as I'd like Rachel to call tomorrow and say she's found us a baby I don't think it'll be that fast, do you?”

“No I suppose not.” Mark cracked a smile. “To be honest sweetheart if she called us tomorrow I don't think I could cope with a baby. I'm way too knackered.”

“Oh Mark you do sound tired. What time is it?”

“Nearly two.”

“Ah Mark go to bed. We can talk about this at home. Don't stress. You did fantastic this weekend.”

Mark smiled again. He'd happily travel ten thousand miles for a hug from Seb right now, a real one, not a virtual one.

“Okay, well thanks.”

“That's alright. Are you still sure you want me to wake you?”

“Yes absolutely.”

“Alright then. Well get some sleep now and I'll talk to you in a few hours.”

“Okay. Love you darling.”

“Love you too Liebling. Well done for today.”

“Yesterday.”

“Whenever. I've totally lost track anyway.”

Mark smiled.

“Me too. Okay, night then.”

“Afternoon. Bye Liebling.”

“Bye sweetheart.”

Seb was the one to disconnect the call and Mark stared at his phone blankly for a moment before dropping it beside him and closing his eyes. He needed to sleep. No. He needed to go clean his teeth, change out of his team gear and climb into bed, set the alarm and _then_ sleep. Open eyes. _Open eyes_.

Mark sat up and huffed a breath, then rubbed over his face and dragged himself off the bed to go use the bathroom.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Several hours later Sebastian stood dressed in his race-suit in the back of the garage. He was all ready to go for the race apart from one thing. Or more accurately, one person, who should be here giving him a smile and a hug to set him up to go. Seb leaned into the wall and sighed. He hated race weekends without Mark. Not that there was anything wrong with this weekend particularly. Thursday with the media hadn't been the most fun with them harping on about how emotional he had been in Monza after the race, but Britta hadn't allowed it to go too far and just as predicted, they had all moved on once the actual driving started.

RedBull were pretty good round here, always had been for some reason, so Seb felt fairly confident, but he still wanted just that word form Mark, just 'good luck' and 'I love you,' would do fine. He felt a bit guilty waking Mark after only getting a few hours sleep following a long race, but he had promised after all. Seb pressed dial.

It rang for a little while and Sebastian started to feel bad, sure that Mark was asleep, but then it clicked through and a drowsy voice rumbled over the miles.

“Hullo?”

“Liebling?”

“Mmph. Oh, god yeah. Hey sweetheart.”

In his hotel bed Mark pushed himself to sit up and rubbed over his face. Seb's face sounded so perky and awake and he felt as though he had another head trying to squeeze into his head.

“Did I wake you then?” checked Seb. “Sorry. You did say though.”

“Course I did. It's alright. I think I must have hit snooze on my alarm. I don't even remember doing it.”

Mark took in an undisguisable yawn and Sebastian smiled, thinking of Mark's sleepy face, all kindof craggy and lovely, nice stubble on his jaw that made his lips tingle when he kissed it.

“I just wanted to say hello before I get in the car, that's all. Then you can go back to sleep,” offered Seb.

“What? No I'm not going to sleep sweetheart. I'm going to watch you race. Of course I am.”

“Okay.”

Mark found the remote control from the bedside table and flicked the television on, sticking straight onto mute. He suspected there was a chance he might want to snooze a bit if it was a dull race, but when he saw Seb in the car that would probably wake him up. He yawned again.

“Sorry.”

“No that's okay. Anyway, we're all set.”

“Good. Well all the best darling. I'm sure you'll go great.”

“Thanks. You got a decent bit of sleep at least did you Liebling?”

“Hm? Yeah sure. A few hours. I'll be okay. I don't even need to leave for the airport until about one pm.”

“Oh okay. Just so long as you're not fretting about stuff.”

“Fretting?”

Mark's sleepy brain tried to think what Seb was referring to. Of course he was bound to fret about Seb getting in the car, but then... Oh. He remembered their conversation from before he went to bed. Right.

“Oh no, not really. I think I dropped right off to be honest sweetheart. After the race I might see if Jense is about. I think his flight's a similar time to mine so we could share a car to airport.

“Oh okay, yeah that'd be nice. Not the same flight?”

“No fraid not. He's straight to Nice.”

“Ah of course. Oh well, at least you could hang out at the airport and get a coffee or something.”

“Sure. I'll drop him a text after the race, see if he's hauled his carcass out of bed.”

 

Sebastian smiled, thinking how he'd quite like to be hanging out with the pair of them at the airport, drinking coffee and joking around as they usually did. Minor detail that he was on the wrong side of the world. Seb paused as a thought occurred to him.

“Liebling didn't you say Andreas wasn't flying back until later too?”

“Hm? Um, yeah I guess I did.”

“Well... I mean you don't have to of course, but what about if you texted him and asked if he had a bit of time for a chat now? Well not right now obviously, but before he goes. You'd have a few hours this morning wouldn't you?”

Mark ruffled his hand through his hair. Why hadn't he thought of that? When had his boss said he was leaving? Midday? Mark looked at the time: Not even half six yet. Even after the race he'd still have hours to kill.

“Um, yeah. I don't know if he'd be free.”

“It was just an idea.”

“No darling it's a good one. I'll wait until after your race and it's a decent hour, then drop him a text, see if he's got a bit of spare time. I don't know if he's got any plans.”

“Couldn't hurt to ask.”

“No. Mm, just wondering what to say now.”

“Well just ask if he's free for a chat.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“He'll be suspicious right away, but yeah okay. I'll give it a go. Good idea sweetheart. Right, enough of me. Anything you want to run through before your race?”

Sebastian shrugged up his shoulders despite Mark not being able to see him.

“Not really. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Mark smiled.

“Me too. No better way to wake up.”

“Even this early?”

“Any time.”

“Okay well I'd better go. I'll try to give you a wave.”

Mark chuckled, not caring about lost sleep at all anymore.

“Righto, well I'll be watching.”

“Thanks. Love you Liebling.

“Love you too. Virtual hug?”

“Virtual hug.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, then let out slowly. If only they could work out a way to do virtual kisses too. Oh well.

“Love you.”

“Love you too darling. Good luck.”

“Thank you. Hope Andreas has some time for you.”

“I'm sure he will if he can. Anyway forget that. Go show 'em what you're made of and I'll speak to you afterwards.”

“What I'm made of?” smiled Seb.

“Pure Vettel-Webber.”

Sebastian beamed and wished more than anything he could kiss Mark now.

“That's what it says on car,” he agreed. “Okay. Later then Liebling.”

“Later.”

 

They forced themselves to hang up and Seb went through to fit his phone away, just sending one last text back to his brother saying thanks for wishing him luck. He tucked it into the internal pocket and reached in a little further to where his wedding ring was safely stowed at the bottom. Vettel-Webber. Sebastian smiled as he rubbed over the ring, then securely zipped it closed, then the outer zip and made sure the bag was safely out of the way. No one would touch it other than Britta occasionally fetching it back to his room for him. Good job too seeing as it had so many of Seb's precious things inside; his wedding ring, his phone, his letters from Mark. It was okay though. Anyone tried to touch it who shouldn't and Seb was pretty sure one of his mechanics would fetch them a smack with a spanner. He chuckled to himself at that thought and picked up his racing gear to get ready, turning around to his guys by the car.

“Right, let's go.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


For all he worried about Seb every time he was in the car, Mark did have to admit that he did drift slightly when FOM chose to show Rosberg in the lead coasting round and round and round, unchallenged at the front. He loved F1, not just from being a participant, or even from his husband being a participant, but from watching it as a child, dreaming that one day it might be him in those fabulous machines.

Even so Mark had to accept that not every race was a barn-burner and this was one of those follow-my-leader dullfests that critics liked to highlight as showing it wasn't really a sport. Mark would argue the fallacy of that. You only needed to see the state of drivers getting out of the car at the end of the race in Singapore, skin dripping with sweat, to know how hard they worked and even Rosberg in his apparently easy lead was working away, unable to drop his concentration for a moment lest he wound up planted in a wall or stranded on run-off.

Seb was doing fine. Steady fourth was nothing perhaps to write home about, but Mark didn't care so long as he had a decent race and most of all ended it by getting out safe and sound. He shifted the pillow up behind him and had a drink of water. Nearly the end now. Nearly done. Mark just wanted to see the chequered flag and then he could relax. Three more laps, two, one, and they were done. All fine. Thank god.

Mark puffed out a breath and picked up his phone to text Seb, offering congratulations and reminding him to call if and when he got chance. The cars were pulling up in Parc Fermé now and as Sebastian got out he spotted a camera pointed to him and in contrast to the previous race where he had wished they would go away, he opened his visor and looked directly at it before waving. Mark smiled and waved back.

“Hey sweetheart, well done.”

Mark shook his head at him saying it out-loud. He glanced at his phone and sent another message.

MARK: BTW I waved back at you just now and said well done to the telly. I think I'm going crazy. Good job I'll be back with you soon and you can save me from myself. Love you xox

 

He smiled, knowing Seb would smile at that too. Mark knew Sebastian would be busy but he waited for a reply just in case, then sent another text, this time to his friend.

MARK: Hey mate, meant to say, you want to share a car to the airport? I was planning on leaving about 1pm. Let me know.

A moment passed, then his phone buzzed. Mark half-hoped it might be Seb but it was Jenson.

JENSON: Thank you for my morning wake up call ;) Yeah you can be my ride. 1's fine. How did Seb go? I just turned the TV on but it's finished.

MARK: Oops, sorry mate, forgot you might not be up yet. My bad. Yeah Seb did good. 4th today.

JENSON: Good stuff. Gimme a shout in a bit when I've woken up properly and we'll sort it.

 

Mark looked at the time on his phone. Quarter to nine in the morning was hardly early, but it might well feel that way to JB seeing as they'd not left the track before one am. He'd forgive him though, Mark was sure of it. Jenson was a pretty easy-going sort thankfully. It was one of the reasons they were friends. A familiar voice caught his ear and Mark looked up to see Seb on television being interviewed in the media pen. He looked a bit sweaty, but he was drinking from his bottle so Mark hoped he would be okay. After their scare in Hungary Mark had to trust that Britta and the team were keeping a much closer eye on his welfare.

“So Sebastian, perhaps not the most eventful race for you today?” offered the voice Mark recognised as Will Buxton's.

“Are you trying not to say boring?” teased Sebastian.

“Ah, well, far be for me...”

“It's okay, yeah it was pretty boring. I just couldn't get ahead. Street tracks aren't the easiest to overtake at the best of times, but today was just no go. Sometimes you just have to accept that and not let yourself get too frustrated.”

“Unlike some?”

“Hm?” queried Seb.

“I was wondering if you think that crash between the Toro Rossos was a matter of frustration and over-ambition today?”

“Well I didn't really see what happened to be honest, just the aftermath.”

“Hot heads with not enough experience to know better?” posited Will.

“Ah I don't think that's for me to say, but more generally, sure, sometimes you have to pick your battles, look at the bigger picture. I can't really say what happened there. I think you'd be better off asking them.”

“I intend to.”

“No doubt, well anyway I'm just glad they walked away. The walls are close in places here. For myself I'm just happy to have picked up some decent points, clean race, and move on to the next one.”

Sebastian wiped at his face where it was sweating and Mark could see in his eyes that he was looking forward to getting away so he could have a nice cool shower. Britta at the edge of shot looked as though she was about to move them on when Will snuck in another question.

“Does your past experience make you more cautious do you think?”

Sebastian shrugged vaguely. He'd done more than enough talking about his past experiences and dodging questions about how emotional he had got after the race in Monza and he had no desire to go down that route again.

“I dunno. I'd say all experience teaches you things. I wouldn't say I'm more cautious. If I see a gap, I'll go for it. It's just there were no gaps to go for today. Sometimes that's the way it goes. The car went well today and we had a clean weekend. I'll take that.”

“Onwards to Malaysia then?”

“Home first,” smiled Sebastian, looking into the camera for a second before glancing to Britta and walking away.

  
  


Mark nodded.

“Yep, home first sweetheart. Well handled.”

He got up and used the bathroom, then came back to sit on the bed, looking at the phone. He could do with getting a shower, but he didn't want to miss Seb ringing so he waited, half an eye on the television where they were talking to other drivers and reviewing the race. Another five minutes passed, then his phone burst into life and Mark snatched it up to answer.

“Hey sweetheart.”

“Hello Liebling. You waved then?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah idiot that I am.”

“No it's sweet. I like it. I was waving for you, well, you and my brother mostly, though Stef says she gets Sofie to wave back every time I do it too.”

“Does she? That's cute,” smiled Mark.

“Yeah. Anyway.”

“Are you back in your room?”

“Yeah. I really need to dive into the shower.”

“You rang me first?”

“Course.”

“Seb. You looked hot on TV. You should get a shower. You can ring me back.”

“No it's okay.”

“Are you drinking lots? You did look warm darling.”

 

Far away in his room Sebastian dutifully took a swig of water, rather enjoying Mark fussing over him.

“I'm fine Liebling. Air-con in here. It's nice and cool. I stripped my horrible sweaty race stuff off already.”

Mark had been about to joke that he'd been channelling his mother fretting about Seb, but that comment distracted him.

“What are you wearing then?”

Sebastian grinned.

“A towel.”

“Oh.”

“Mm. It's not very big Liebling.”

Mark burst out laughing and Seb pouted.

“That idea isn't supposed to make you laugh.”

“Oh sorry sweetheart. I'm not laughing at it. You just caught me off-guard. You are a tease.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I'm just missing you.”

“Me too. Damn. How small is this towel?”

“Really very small Liebling. Hardly adequate.”

Mark laughed again.

“Oh god, sorry darling. I love it. Oh blimey. If I needed any added incentive to jump ten thousand miles to be with you, that would be it. Should I be making a formal complaint to the team about them supplying you with inadequately sized towels?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“There's bigger ones. I'm just too hot. I thought I'd ring you, then jump in the shower and cool off properly.”

“Well I very much wish I could jump in the shower with you darling.”

“Me too. Although to be honest they're inadequately sized too in here. I'm not sure we'd fit.”

“No, well we can take all the showers we like tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Eighteen hours, right?”

“Fraction more, but yeah.”

Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes.

“Okay. Eighteen hours. I can't wait.”

“Me neither. What time are you off to the airport?”

“As soon as I can after the debrief. Should be before midnight.”

“Righto. I think that's roughly the same as me.”

“Okay. Oh Mark did you try asking Andreas if he was free?”

“Not yet. It's still early. I think I'll do the same as you, grab a shower and then text him. I just woke JB up so if I want to keep on Andreas's good side I don't want to do the same to him.”

“Fair enough. Alright, well let me know, yeah?”

“Will do. You should go have that shower.”

“I'll be thinking of you,” teased Seb.

“Oh my god darling, don't get me started. I already have the image of you in that tiny towel.”

“Mm.”

“Eighteen hours. Then I'm taking you straight to bed.”

It was Sebastian's turn to laugh now.

“You don't want to?” checked Mark.

“No I definitely want to. I'll make sure I sleep on the flight.”

Both of them laughed now.

“Well that thought should keep me going for a while,” assured Mark.

“Yeah me too. Okay Liebling I've got to go.”

“Right. Okay, do make sure you're looking after yourself, yeah?”

“Yeah I will. I'm fine really. I'm just a bit hot.”

“Darling you're very hot.”

They laughed again and Seb shook his head, even though he knew he'd started this.

“Thanks, okay really gotta go now. Love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart. Well done again.”

“Thanks, bye Liebling.”

“Bye darling.”

 

 

Mark hung up and closed his eyes, smiling to himself as he imagined Seb looking all hot and sweaty wearing that barely adequate towel. Oh dear, he was getting a little hot and bothered himself. Mark chuckled and reopened his eyes before heading into the bathroom. He should turn the heat down a notch to cool off. Maybe after a moment or two of allowing himself to enjoy thinking about Seb and that little towel that first.

 

Once he was dried off and dressed, Mark rang down for some breakfast to be sent to his room then found his mobile phone. Time to bite the bullet and send his boss a message. If he made excuses about waiting any more it might get too late and then it would be another opportunity lost.

MARK: Hi Andreas, sorry to bother you mate. Are you still at the hotel? I was wondering if you had a few minutes for a chat? If you're busy, no worries. Thanks, Mark.

He stared at it for a minute checking it sounded okay, then forced himself to press send. Mark puffed a breath and was glad for the distraction of the door knocking as room service delivered his tray. As he set it down on the side and poured himself some coffee, Mark remembered how his boss had mentioned that he might see him at breakfast. Maybe he was downstairs eating now. Mark guessed he could have gone to see, maybe asked him then if he was free to talk, but then Andreas would have asked why and that would be awkward in a busy hotel dining hall, potentially with other team-members about. No, this was best. Mark drank his coffee and ate some breakfast, half an eye on his mobile phone waiting for a message to pop up.

It was ten minutes before anything came through.

ANDREAS: Sorry I was just down at breakfast. Yes I'm free for a bit now. Is everything ok? Do you want to come to my room? I'm in 1472.

Mark pushed out a calming breath. He really needed to think what the hell he was going to say. No more delaying though. He had to be brave.

MARK: Thanks, yeah I'll pop over now. Cheers.

Mark tidied up his room service tray and put it outside in the corridor, then went and looked at himself in the mirror, oddly wanting to make sure that he looked reasonably smart and together to face his boss. He wasn't working so Mark was wearing jeans and t-shirt with a hoody. Should he swap it for a Porsche hoody? Mark shook his head at himself. Andreas probably didn't care what he was wearing. This hoody was one Seb liked to borrow, so in a way Mark felt as though it was one he was borrowing back. Maybe like Seb did with Mark's hoodies, he could carry a little bit of Seb with him.

Mark knocked on the door of a room a floor up and waited, trying not to let himself get nervous. Moments later it opened and his boss gave him a smile and stuck out a hand to shake.

“Mark, how are you doing this morning?” he greeted. “I hope you had a good rest.”

“Um, yes thanks mate and you.”

“I saw Sebastian did pretty well in his race.”

“Did you?”

“Yes I like to keep an eye on these things. Motorsport is in the blood is it not?”

 

Mark huffed a laugh as he was ushered in and sat on the sofa his boss indicated while he pulled around a chair from the dressing table to sit on himself.

“Did you actually watch the race?” enquired Mark.

“Ah I am afraid not. I needed sleep after yesterday, but the results came up on my news feed.”

“Oh right, well, yeah he did good.”

“I take it you watched then?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah mate, can't not. You know how it goes.”

“Sure,” nodded Andreas politely, not entirely sure he did really know how that went, but he knew how devoted Mark was to his husband, so it was hardly a surprise he wanted to watch him race.

 

Mark took a deep breath, knowing he had to be the one to take them past polite pleasantries.

“Um, so anyway, sorry to bother you when I guess you need to be getting ready to go,” he apologised.

Andreas shook his head.

“No that's fine Mark. My packing will not take long and I have until twelve.”

“Good, right, well thank you for finding time for me anyway.”

“No problem Mark. How can I help? Is everything alright?”

Mark puffed another breath. God this was hard. He really didn't know where to start.

“Um, yeah everything's fine, just, um...” Mark looked his boss in the eye. “Listen Andreas, can I tell you something in confidence?”

“Of course Mark.”

“Thanks, just, the thing is it's a bit complicated and for now at least I'd really appreciate it if it could stay between the two of us.”

Andreas frowned slightly. This sounded serious. Hardly the first time with Mark.

“Mark you can trust me. I'd hope you know that,” he assured.

“No of course, thanks. It's just it's a personal thing.”

Andreas nodded, not wanting to show too obviously that he was wondering what it could be about. A year ago they had dug themselves into a hole when poor Mark had felt unable to talk to him as he needed to. Andreas had been making a conscious effort with not only Mark, but all the team to be more approachable and receptive.

“That's fine. Are you alright?”

“Yeah mate fine.”

“And Seb is alright?”

“Yes. Sorry mate. Okay, so I should explain.” Mark mentally took a deep breath. “So, um, strictly between us, I mean we've really only told our families pretty much, but I kindof need to speak to you about it as well.”

 

Andreas just nodded encouragingly and Mark knew he was padding around the subject nervously. Technically there were people outside their families that they had told, but only really people he counted as officialdom such as doctors. Pauline counted as family, but Christian really was beyond that. He didn't need to mention that yet though, Christian was a different matter.

“Yeah, um, okay, so...”

Mark looked at his boss and knew he was doing such a bad job of this. Maybe it was a good job he hadn't tried this in a work setting?

“The thing is, Seb and I, well since we got married we've been thinking about extending our family, well more than thinking about it. We're trying to adopt.”

 

Andreas had been holding a carefully neutral expression on his face, but at that he couldn't help himself looking surprised at hearing that. His eyebrows went up and his mouth opened slightly. Mark ended up coughing a little laugh as he saw it.

“Yeah mate, I know; Not what you might have expected. Me neither if I'm entirely honest, but my life has changed so much I think I've given up on all my old expectations.”

“Right, well, that's great,” offered Andreas tentatively, still clearly absorbing the information.

“Thanks, yeah so that's what I mean about it being complicated. The process of trying to get to adopt is beyond complicated. It's been a mountain to climb just to get approved.”

“You're approved?”

“Yeah, only recently. It took months and so many meetings and jumping through hoops you wouldn't believe, but yeah we finally got approved.”

“Wow, well that's great news Mark, congratulations,” offered Andreas feeling a little more collected now.

Mark gave him a smile and nodded.

“Thank you. Yeah it's huge deal to both of us obviously and as I say it's been a hard road and a lot of work to get this far, but just being approved doesn't mean anything happens right away.”

“Ah okay. I'm afraid I couldn't say I know a lot about it,” Andreas admitted.

Mark let out a little laugh.

“No mate, six months ago I'd have said the same. Anyway, yeah approval is really just the first step. We have to be matched and that's another whole big thing.”

“Matched?”

“Oh it means the child matched with adoptive parents.”

“Ah I see, right, of course.”

“So that's no easy thing and we're just getting started with that process, doing parenting classes, that sort of thing.”

Andreas nodded, trying not to show how astounded he was at the idea of Mark doing parenting classes. He didn't even know why. He'd had other drivers with children before now. They were really no different to Mark. Perhaps he just hadn't imagined it with him. Andreas hoped that wasn't a prejudice. He just hadn't considered it.

“Very good. Well, that all sounds very promising. I wish you luck, both of you.”

“Thanks mate, I appreciate it. As I say, we're just getting started with that side of things so we've really no idea how long it's likely to take.”

“Oh okay. They can't tell you?”

“No. We had a meeting with the agency, the adoption agency that is, but they can't make any promises. It's just too complex and the variables aren't ones you can really measure.”

“Because they have to find you a child to be, what did you say? Matched, with?”

“Right. And um, well we want a baby, so that's even tougher to find.”

Andreas nodded again. Mark said it so casually, but it somehow came as a surprise to hear it.

“A baby, I see, right, very good,” agreed Andreas vaguely.

“Yeah.” Mark huffed a laugh at his reaction. “Bit of a surprise huh?”

“Ah well I don't know Mark.”

“We just want a family like any other couple.”

“Of course.”

 

Andreas sat up a little at that. Why shouldn't they want a family like any other couple? He was letting his preconceptions get in the way. A year ago he had been in Mark's room here in this very hotel, seeing his driver exhausted and worried sick about his husband having dragged himself to the race when Seb had only just been released from hospital after that dreadful crash. Not that they were married then, but the marriage hadn't actually come as a surprise to Andreas after that. Why should them wanting a baby be a surprise? If Mark had married a woman would he be surprised? Andreas knew he wouldn't. Mark deserved better from him. He nodded and gave him a smile.

 

“Mark that's great news. I'm very pleased for you. I'm sure you and Sebastian will make a wonderful family.”

“Thank you. Yeah it's what we want. No easy road for us, but yeah it'll be worth it.”

“I'm sure.”

“Though as I say, because we want a baby we may have quite a wait.”

“No idea at all how long?”

“Not really mate. It's a bit of a piece of string job.”

Andreas frowned slightly, not picking up the colloquial reference, so Mark explained.

“As in, how long is a piece of string? They just can't tell us. Apparently in an ideal world it could be six months, but could be less, could be more. It could be never, but hopefully not.”

“Oh I'm sure it won't be. I would have thought they were crying out for good people to adopt.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah you'd think, but apparently it's not so simple. Anyway that's where we're at. We've just got to work with the agency, do the parenting classes and hope for the best.”

Andreas nodded.

“Well I wish you luck.”

“Thanks.”

  
  


Andreas puffed out a little breath, wondering now why Mark had told him all this. Was he just letting him know as a courtesy?

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he offered.

“Oh that's very kind mate, but they've already had all our references and stuff.”

“Ah okay, well if you need another I'd be happy to do it.”

Mark smiled at him. He didn't think he would have dared asking his boss, but it was good to hear him offer.

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

“Of course. So is there anything I can do?”

“Oh no not really, well other than keeping it to yourself for the time-being.”

“Of course Mark. I understand.”

“Yeah? It's just with it being an adoption process it's really important it stays confidential. There's a lot of legal stuff and apart from that it's hard enough going through all of this without everyone knowing about it.”

“I won't speak of it Mark, you have my word.”

“Great. Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“No problem. So do you need anything from me? Or were you just wanting to speak to me about it?” enquired Andreas.

“Ah, well, um...”

 

Mark stopped. This had all been going better than he had feared, but now it felt as though he had reached a divide, like a gap between roofs he had been running over. Mark peered down into the alley wondering if he could make the leap to the next flat roof or whether if he took another step he would plummet down to an unfortunate drop below. He looked at his boss and rubbed a the hair at the nape of his neck. Andreas was a decent bloke. He did trust him. The only problem really was that next step, whether Andreas would feel compelled to feed it up and higher management threw a blue fit and all hell broke loose. Was it even fair to ask his boss to keep it from them?

“Yeah, um see this is the tricky bit if I'm honest mate,” Mark confessed.

Andreas looked at him, Mark was clearly worried about something.

“Mark what is it? If you're worrying what the team will think, I can promise you that your having a family is strictly a personal matter. It's none of their business if you want a child.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah thanks. I mean hopefully when it comes to pass we're hardly going to keep it a secret. We would do all we can to protect our child from any media attention, but they'd be bound to know and I guess Porsche, well... I don't know...”

Andreas shook his head.

“No Mark, don't worry about that. I don't believe it's an issue and even if it was it would be a PR one. The board have no right to pronounce on such a personal matter.”

Mark thought the same had been true about him being with Seb in the first place, but maybe they'd got over it now? Nothing had come of him and Seb getting married. The team had barely batted an eyelid as far as he was aware.

“I know the media would be bound to pick up on it a bit,” accepted Mark. “Par for the course really, though more with Seb I suspect, but anyway, yeah we'll just have to deal with that.”

“As will we,” assured Andreas. “Perhaps as you say it is inevitable that there should be some interest, but when the time comes, as I'm sure it will for you adopting, then we can have a chat with our PR team and deal with it.”

“Thanks.”

“There's no reason it should affect you racing Mark. We're going very well this year, every chance that we could retain the title for the team, and your car looks in good contention to be the one to take it.”

“Mm.”

“Not that I am saying that should be a factor.”

Mark gave him a half-smile.

“Doesn't hurt though does it?”

“No indeed. Well anyway, my point was that you are the same as anyone else Mark. You are entitled to a personal life. If the media pay it a little more attention to you than some other drivers that is not your fault.”

“No. I'd be more than happy if they sent their attention elsewhere,” admitted Mark.

“I'm sure. Well, okay for now we can, as you say, 'park it', hmm?”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark cautiously.

 

Andreas frowned slightly, wondering if he had offended him by speaking of a potential child so impersonally.

“Don't take that the wrong way Mark, I simply meant if you do not know when you are likely to be adopting, then we should not need to think of dealing with the matter in terms of the team or any subsequent publicity.”

“Sure.”

“And thus I have no need to mention the matter to anyone else, unless you would like me to?”

“No mate I'd appreciate it if it stays between us.”

“Very well.”

 

Mark nodded. Andreas was being really good about this. Maybe he should leave it here? Quit while he was ahead and let his boss adjust to the idea, then revisit it on another occasion and tackle the trickier matter of telling him about how he was going to want to take paternity leave when they adopted. Or maybe he should seize the moment? God this was so complicated. Mark knew he had legal rights backing him, but it still felt as though he needed his boss onside. Was this what it was like for a woman telling their boss they were pregnant? At least they would have reasonably specific dates to give and maybe a boss might half expect such conversations with female employees. Mark doubted Andreas had ever expected this conversation with one of his male drivers.

 

“Thanks boss. I really appreciate your support.”

Andreas gave a dismissive shake of his head.

“Of course. I hope it all works out for you. Plenty of people in the team have families Mark. No reason it should be any different for you. I mean of course I appreciate it must be somewhat, but it's not like it's really going to affect things is it? Other than you being happy in your personal life which of course we want. A happy driver is a good driver.”

 

Oh god, thought Mark. Not going to affect his driving. Hmm, taking a year out would have _something_ of an affect seeing as he didn't plan on being in the car. Damn, he couldn't just swerve this now.

 

“Yeah, um, thing is Andreas it's a bit more complicated than that.”

“No I'm sure Mark. I'm sorry, I don't mean to dismiss the difficulties you must face trying to adopt and if and when it all comes to fruition we can talk about any ways we can help, dealing with the publicity and well, anything else, perhaps adjustments you may need to make with work?”

Adjustments, hmm, a fairly major adjustment. Hell he just had to leap in.

“Yeah, thanks and that's um, well it's work I need to talk about.”

“Oh?” frowned Andreas.

“Mm, yeah. Okay so obviously right now this is all theoretical, cos we don't know if or when we're going to get matched and so if we could still just keep it between us as just talking about it I'd appreciate it.”

“Sure,” agreed Andreas more cautiously.

“Thanks, yes so as I said we're hoping to adopt a baby.”

“Right.”

“And so you know with a baby they need a lot of care. We might be really lucky and get a newborn or maybe slightly older, of course either would be amazing, but it's a baby we really want so they're really ours you know, so we're their parents right from the start or as near the start as we can.”

“Uh huh,” encouraged Andreas.

Mark looked at him, nearly biting his lip he was so nervous.

“Yeah so a baby, they'd need a parent to care for them. We don't want nannies or anything like that.”

“Okay.”

“And so the thing is I'd be wanting to take some leave to do that. I know that obviously I'm legally entitled to, but I wanted to talk to you about it even though we don't know when it's likely to be needed.”

Mark had rather rushed that and Andreas was trying to keep up.

“Leave?”

“Yeah you know, time off to look after the baby. Paternity leave”

“Oh I see.”

“Yeah. I mean I know it's a legal right and that, but I wanted to talk to you, give you the heads-up as it were. I'm sorry it's a bit vague and I wish I could tell you dates and things but I've really no idea.”

Andreas nodded. Paternity leave, well that wasn't unheard of. Maybe the board might raise a few eyebrows and baulk at the inevitable publicity that came with one of their drivers adopting a child with his even more famous husband, but they'd deal with it.

 

“Okay, well alright Mark, that's fair enough. I appreciate you talking to me about it. I understand what you mean about not knowing when. That must be frustrating.”

“Yeah it's a bit of a grinding process mate, but we'll get there, we have to,” replied Mark, almost surprised at how calmly his boss was responding to the idea of him taking leave.

“I have no doubt. Well will you perhaps have a clearer idea in time? I presume once they are closer to sorting it out you would do?”

“Um I'd guess so, though we're actually working to get cleared to foster so the kid could come to us as soon as possible.”

“Ah right.”

“Basically it means they stay in care for a shorter time which is obviously much better for them.”

“Right, okay well you'll talk to me?”

“Of course.”

“Right, well thank you for mentioning it. I'm sure we can talk to our HR team and see how that works. I'm fairly sure that most fathers take some time at home these days and I'm pretty sure that your rights would be the same.”

Mark nodded slowly.

“Yeah mate we've had a bit of a look at it, it's the same for adoptive parents.”

“As it should be I'm sure,” agreed Andreas affably. “Well I suppose we shall just have to wait and see, but I suppose it would be easier for you if you were lucky and it came about sooner, over the winter break say. Though of course I have no doubt you wish it was soon anyway.”

“Yes of course.”

“Of course. Well, perhaps I could have a quiet word with our HR team Mark? Then we could have a chat, still theoretically. I wouldn't mention names, just say a person on the team.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well I won't if you don't want me to, but I'm sure they wouldn't pry. HR more than any other department should understand the importance of protecting personal information.”

“Mm, yeah guess so. Okay well thanks that would be a help.”

Andreas nodded.

“I know that more fathers these days take up the two months now the law has changed. I'm sure HR will know the details and have dealt with it before. Of course if that's in the winter it's easier for you, but I suppose we will have to see if it should be into the season.”

 

Oh god, thought Mark. His boss was in full flow, thinking he had a handle on the situation, slipping straight into professional mode. He had to be honest with him though. It felt even harder now he had misinterpreted him, but he had to tell him.

“Ah, um, no,” corrected Mark. “I think I should said, I mean there's no mother in this situation mate, so it's not really what might be the traditional paternity leave side, but parental leave, the full deal.”

“The full deal?”

“The full year.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Mark could see how that stopped him in his tracks. “Like I say, it's not like there'd be someone to take up the maternity leave and it applies to either parent these days even if you're adopting, so, um, well that would be what we're looking at.”

“For you.”

“Yeah me. I'd be the one taking the year out. Seb wants to play his part of course, he's keen as mustard mate, but he's really only been back racing after his accident less than a year and he's younger. It just makes sense that it'd be me taking the time out.”

“I see.”

“And that's why I needed to talk to you.”

“Right.”

“You do support us don't you?” pressed Mark.

 

Andreas puffed a breath, then nodded, trying to get his head around it. Of course he knew that the law was far more progressive these days and he knew of fathers taking more time with their families, but he didn't think he knew of anyone personally who had actually gone and taken the whole year they were technically entitled to if they chose now. It was rare that mothers were the one to go back to work while the father stayed home, though of course Mark was right, there was to be no mother in this situation. Presumably it would be even more complicated if they tried to share the leave and Seb take part of a season off in F1. Technically Andreas supposed that ought to be possible, but it would doubtless be incredibly complicated to try to make it happen.

“Yes of course. Yes sorry Mark, I just hadn't anticipated that.”

“No mate I wouldn't think you would. It just makes sense to us and it's what we're agreed with the adoption agency. A child has to be our priority, particularly a baby.”

“Yes of course.”

“And it's not like I'm saying I don't prioritise my career. I love racing and I'm supremely grateful to be a part of this team.”

Andreas nodded.

“I would want to come back,” emphasised Mark. “That's what I mean about paternity leave, or I should say parental leave so we don't get confused. I want to stay with the team.”

“Of course Mark.”

“And it is a legal right to take leave and come back.”

Andreas gave a little shake of his head.

“Mark I don't doubt that. Of course your rights are protected. I just, well I suppose I hadn't thought about you taking a full year, but yes, I mean a baby, of course they need caring for.”

“That's what we want. We want to give our child the best possible care. I mean I'm sure there's great nannies out there, but that's not the same as a parent. I'd want to be home with them and I think an adopted child would really need that security of a full-time parent.”

“For a year?”

“Yeah. I know it could get tricky with when it might start.”

“Mm, well, I suppose we cross that bridge when we come to it. The first race next season isn't until April. You mentioned six months?”

“Only as the vaguest of stats mate really. I mean sure. That would be great.”

“Okay, well...” Andreas huffed a breath. “I suppose I really do need to talk to HR.”

Mark nodded.

“And beyond that?”

“Hm?” frowned Andreas, already frantically calculating the possibilities and how he was going to have to handle the board with this. If it really was a legal right as Mark said, and Andreas guessed he was correct in his assertion, the board would simply have to put up and shut up.

“Beyond HR. Are you going to tell anyone?” checked Mark.

 

Andreas sighed and rubbed a hand over his hair. The took his glasses off to polish them to give himself some thinking time, then put them back on to look at Mark.

“Mark I gave you my word. This is as yet theoretical, is it not?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, so I shall not concern the board with a theoretical... I do not wish to say problem, but an issue.”

“Thank you mate, really, I massively appreciate it.”

“Well there's no point unsettling things. I shall check with HR and we shall know our legal position and what of course we should do as a team to treat you correctly.”

Mark nodded.

“Thanks.”

“Mark do not be worrying that this should endanger your position in the team. That would be wholly wrong in my view, and that is to say nothing of your rights in the law. I need to check them, but I have no doubt you are correct that as an adoptive father your rights would be just the same. The team could not go against that and I would not allow that to happen anyway.”  
  


Mark let out rather too obvious a sigh of relief and Andreas was taken a year back again. The anxieties his apparently tough and outgoing driver hid were not apparent to outsiders. They were not anxieties other drivers in the team would ever carry. It was an uneven playing field.

“Mark your seat is safe. I hope you're not worrying about that?”

Mark coughed a laugh that was mostly relief.

“To be honest mate I really haven't this year. It's just this is kindof a new venture into a whole new realm of issues.”

“Well yes, but not entirely an unheard of one. So you will take a year out. With any luck it will fall as a season off. If it does not, well we must work from there. You are protected by the law and even if you were not you would be protected by me, and by the team. We are here to support you, not the other way around.”

Mark nodded slowly, still letting out a little held air from his lungs.

“Thanks mate, really that means a lot. I know you've always supported us.”

Andreas shrugged one shoulder.

“You are a good driver. We should be more concerned at keeping you than giving you worries that your seat is in danger.”

“Thanks.”

“And I still think we should have an excellent chance to win this year. You are an important part of that and even if you were not, these are legal rights we speak of, not favours granted based on your performance. Porsche has responsibilities as an employer and we have duties as people.”

“Thank you. It really is a load off to be honest.”

 

Andreas nodded. He had wondered if perhaps Mark had been a little quieter in meetings this weekend. He had suspected it might be to do with Sebastian racing elsewhere after the trying weekend they must have had in Monza and perhaps something of the anniversary of an even more trying time here a year ago, but this must have been it, or at least partly it.

“Good. Well I will look into it on a confidential, theoretical, basis and you need have no concerns beyond that, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And I do not want you to be worrying. I want you to focus on your driving for the rest of the season. We have some challenging races ahead and we will need to get all we can from them if we are to achieve our goal.”

Mark let out a little laugh. That sounded more like the things his boss normally said.

“Absolutely. Yeah full focus mate. I want to take the trophy off the other side of the garage by the end of the year.”

“Ah, hah, well you will forgive me Mark if I say I will be happy as long as it remains in the garage?”

“Of course mate, all good friendly rivalry, and of course it goes without saying we should get the constructors championship again.”

“If only it did go without saying,” noted Andreas, “but hopefully yes, we shall achieve that also.”

 

Mark nodded decisively. This had gone much better than he'd hoped. He was glad he had been clear about what he needed in terms of taking a year. All he had to hope now was that they really did get to adopt somewhere in a window over the next seven months, or taking leave mid-season was going to be a bit of a bugger. Nowt to be done about that though. No point saying it could happen sooner either. There was only two months left this season. Surely the odds were against that? Even if it did happen they'd have to work around it. Either manage alternating weekend racing and parenting, or well, he wasn't about to rock the boat now and say so, but if it came to it Mark would just take parental leave now and be damned.

Porsche would no doubt be unhappy even if Andreas was being incredibly understanding right now. Ditching a season when their team was winning wouldn't go down well even if Timo and Brendan found a way to hold the lead on their own for however many remaining races there might be. But it didn't seem all that likely to Mark that a miracle phone-call from Rachel would come this soon.

 

Mark stood up, deciding to get out while the going was good. He offered out his hand and Andreas stood to take it.

“Really mate. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.”

“No problem. I will perhaps be able to speak with you some more, maybe at our next race?”

“Sure. Whenever works for you mate. You can always call me at home in-between, or well wherever I'll be seeing as Seb has some races.”

“Of course.” Andreas paused. “So, forgive me, I wonder, is the plan that Seb should continue to race and you stay home with the baby, or would you travel with him?”

Mark ran a hand through his hair.

“Hmm, well that's also still at the theory stage to be honest mate. We'll have to see how we get on. Ideally yeah we'd stick together otherwise he's away a lot, but it might not be so simple.”

“I hear that babies rarely are.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“I expect we'll find that out, so yeah we'll see. Maybe a bit of both.”

“Sure. Well I will say do please keep talking to me Mark. When with any luck this becomes less theoretical I will need to talk to the board and make plans.”

“That's alright mate. I get it. You have to think of the team, find a third driver to fill in.”

“To fill in, as you say.”

“I don't suppose you'd have much trouble finding someone willing.”

“No indeed, though it would need a decision.”

“Sure.”

“It would not place your seat under threat to do so Mark. Your contract runs for another two years. That is not an issue.”

“Right.”

“It would merely be a planning issue.”

Mark nodded.

“Thanks. Yeah I really don't want to cause you problems.”

“No I understand that.”

“And I do want to come back, you know, if and when I take this year out,” asserted Mark.

“Of course Mark, that is how it works. It would not be in question.”

“Okay, cheers, really you've taken a load off my mind mate.”

“Your family means a lot to you.”

“It does. It means everything,” agreed Mark. “You know a year ago, when you sent me home for being such an idiot coming here in the first place, I made a vow never to not have family as my top priority ever again.”

Andreas nodded.

“I still love racing,” assured Mark. “I think I always will and I want to do it as long as I can, but I'm not the person I was when I started in this game.”

Andreas huffed a little laugh.

“Who of us is Mark? As we grow older we change. It would be strange if we did not. Your family is your priority. I have no doubt you are a better man for it.”

 

Mark considered that. A better man. Yeah he probably was. He certainly wouldn't change who he was or what he valued most in the world now. Not for anything. Not even for racing.

“Thanks. Guess so. Well I'd better go. Thanks so much for all your help, you know not just with this, but always. You're a good guy.”

Andreas smiled.

“Thank you. We will talk, yes?”

“Yes mate.”

“Oh and give my best to Sebastian.”

“I will, thanks mate.”

Andreas began showing him to the door.

“You fly home later?”

“Yep. Couple of hours from now. I'd better go pack actually.”

“Ah yes, as I should also. Well, good journey.”

“Yeah same to you. Thanks.”

Andreas gave him a friendly pat on the arm as Mark went to step out and they exchanged a nod as they said goodbye. It felt like the sealing of an agreement and as Mark went back up to his room he knew he could trust him. Andreas was very straight-forward about things. When he wasn't happy with something in the team he said so. Very politely of course and usually with a constructive suggestion of what to do to improve matters, but he said it how it was. The same was true here. If he said he would keep it to himself then he would.

  
  


 

  
  


Mark let himself into his room and dropped bodily onto the bed. He should call Seb. He probably wasn't going to mention that it would be less than ideal if Rachel really did find a surprise baby out of nowhere in the next two months. If she did, she did, and he would deal with things. No point worrying. He'd worried himself enough and today had showed yet again that it didn't help and most of the time his worries were for naught. Life was unpredictable and he was better thinking as Andreas did of crossing bridges as they came. Keeping on over-thinking things did him no favours.

He got his phone out without sitting up and checked the time. Wow, still only just gone ten. It felt much later. Okay so that was eleven-ish Seb's end. He might be in the debrief, but Mark rang anyway. He left it a while, then left a voice-mail and sent a text so as not to worry him. Seb had to be working.

“Hey sweetheart, nothing to worry about, but I got to speak to Andreas. All fine. So yeah give me a ring back if you get chance. If you don't, don't worry, we can talk at home. Hope it's all going well. I'm just gonna pack now. Anyway, love you, bye.”

Mark hung up. He hated leaving messages. They always made him feel so self-conscious, which was ridiculous when it was his own husband he was calling. He switched the phone to text.

MARK: Hey, guess you're working. No worries, just give me a ring if you can. Love you. xox M

 

Mark took a deep breath. Right. That should be fine. He sent another text to Jenson.

MARK: Are you awake yet? Booking car for 1pm.

That sent he stretched out on the bed, still rather tired. He hoped he had decent leg-room and could get some sleep on the flight. Mark sat up, knowing he was in danger of dropping off. If he packed now he could relax and have a bit of a real rest without worrying. He picked up the room phone and called down to the reception desk to sort out the car and asked if they would ring up to his room as a reminder ten minutes beforehand, getting a typically polite assurance that they would be more than happy to help. As Mark hung up he wondered if he would cope in a service industry job where he had to be that nice to people all day long. Americans seemed to have the knack. Mark wasn't sure he could keep it up if he was on the desk at three am and some idiot drunk had lost his key. Ah well, not his concern.

His mobile phone buzzed and Mark was slightly disappointed, though not really surprised, to see it was Jenson, not Seb.

JENSON: Right you are mate, cheers. I'm all set. Just gonna take a napette then I'll swing by. 12.55 ok?

MARK: 12.55 is good. What the hell is a napette?

JENSON: A small nap. Obviously ;)

Mark laughed and shook his head. Trust Jenson.

MARK: Lazy sod. Don't oversleep or I'll leave you behind.

JENSON: ;-P

  
  


Mark smiled and put the phone down, making sure he turned the volume up in case Seb rang back, then set about sorting out all his packing. He was half-way through when his phone lit up and Mark actually jumped over his open suitcase to grab it off the bed.

“Hey.”

“Hey Liebling. Sorry I was in the debrief.”

“That's okay. That's why I left the message.”

“I did check the text. I looked under the desk.”

“Naughty,” teased Mark. “No, I told you it's fine. Are you done now?”

“Yeah just up to sorting my stuff in my room.”

“Good.”

“So you spoke to him then?”

“Andreas?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah it was fine.”

“Did you tell him the whole thing?”

“Yeah I kind of had to in the end. Well, not had to, but I didn't want him getting the wrong end of the stick so I thought it best.”

“Oh right, wow that's great Liebling, well done.”

Mark smiled.

“It was only really a theoretical chat.”

“Yeah but you were worrying weren't you?”

“Guess I was, yeah.”

“And he was fine about it?”

“Yeah he was really good actually. Very reassuring. I think at first he kindof assumed I only meant a bit of leave, but I explained it'd be the full year.”

“And he was alright about it?”

“Yeah he was really nice. He's a good guy.”

“Okay, wow, well that's great.”

“I asked him to keep it confidential for now and he said he would.”

“Okay. So that's good then.”

“Yep,” agreed Mark. “He said he'd have a word with HR, but no names, just asking an example.”

“Won't they guess it's you?”

“Well I dunno. I shouldn't think so. He said he'd just give an example of a team member, so I suppose they'll realise he isn't making something up out of the blue just for fun, but I don't know they'd automatically know it's me.”

“Oh okay. So he's not saying driver?”

“I don't think so. I mean even if he did they can't say anything.”

“No I guess.”

“And HR you know, they have to up on that stuff don't they? They have to know all kinds of private information on people and they'll know the consequences of breaking confidentiality rules.”

“Sure. Yeah okay, so that's good then.”

“Mm it really is. I feel so much better for talking to him.”

“Good. Oh that's great Mark, I'm so pleased for you.”

“For me? It's for both of us isn't it?”

“Well yeah, but it's your job and you who had to talk to him.”

“Mm I spose so. Well anyway it's done now.”

“Good, so you can relax and just see what he says.”

“Yep. Might be next race, but that's okay isn't it?”

“Course.”

“Thanks for suggesting I text him. I think I needed a little push,” admitted Mark.

“Oh, no that's okay. I'm just glad it worked out.”

“Yeah well we've still got to deal with it when it really happens, but to be honest darling I think I'm just gonna stick that to one side and worry about it when it happens.”

“Of course. Yeah there's no point worry about it. Good. Okay well you can have a nice chilled-out flight home now can't you?”

 

Mark chuckled.

“Guess I can sweetheart. Jense is hitching a ride to the airport with me.”

“Oh you sorted it then?”

“Yep. Not for an hour or so. Lazy sod's having a nap.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Well you can sleep on the flight. Aren't you tired?”

Mark took in a breath. He had been, but now he was all woken up.

“I'm fine. Just got a bit more packing to sort and I'll be good.”

“Right.”

“Are you set to go?” checked Mark.

“Yep I did it all before I left for the track.”

“Ah well you're very organised darling.”

“I'm just getting my stuff now and I'm going to go.”

“Oh right, well I won't keep you.”

“I'd just rather get to the airport then I know I'm all set,” explained Seb. “I haven't got a lot of leeway.”

“Sure. Well you can ring if you get delayed, but in case I don't speak to you, have a safe journey.”

“Thanks Liebling. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Say hi to Jense.”

“I will.”

Sebastian was just about to hang up when a thought occurred to him.

“Oh Mark are you going to tell him?”

“Jenson? You mean about us adopting?”

“Yeah.”

Mark puffed a breath. He did feel a bit as though he was on a roll.

“Dunno. I might have to see. Not if it's busy, but, hmm I dunno sweetheart I think I'll play it by ear, see if the opportunity arises.”

“Sure. Okay well if you do, please give me the heads-up.”

“You wanna strike first with Jess?”

“Not to be ahead of you telling Jenson, just ahead of him telling her.”

“That's what I meant.”

“Oh, oh okay, yeah then.”

“Right. No problem. If I find the moment I'll send word,” promised Mark.

“Thanks.”

“Okay. See you soon.”

“Can't wait. Bye Liebling. I'm very proud of you talking to Andreas.”

Mark smiled and shook his head, but Seb was so sweet with his praise.

“Thanks. Just had to be brave.”

“You're very brave Liebling. Love you.”

“Love you. Bye for now.”

“Bye.”

Sebastian hung up and fitted his phone away then looked around his room to be sure he had everything. He smiled and gathered up one more item into his bag before heading out.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


Mark stood in the queue for coffee with Jenson, already looking around at the tables. Seeing as it was the middle of the day it was fairly busy in all the airports coffee shops. Mark had done a brief scout as they walked around after checking in their bags, but everywhere was busy, so they'd come in here.

“Alright mate?” asked Jenson, seeing his friend slightly distracted.

“Hm? Yeah sure. I was just looking for a table.”

“You wanna go bagsie one?”

“Um, yeah okay. Tall black Americano if that's alright?”

“Sure.”

Mark got his wallet out but Jenson pulled a face and shook his head.

“Might not be in F1 anymore mate but I can still stand you a coffee.”

“Ha, cheers. Right I'll find a seat.”

  
  


Mark wandered into the centre of the café and unconsciously tutted to himself. There were a couple of tables free in the middle but he was hoping for a quiet spot. Then a couple in the far corner looked to the information screens and rapidly gathered up their belongings to head off, presumably rushing to meet their flight. Mark walked swiftly over and took possession, waiting while Jenson came over with their coffees.

“Cheers mate.”

“No problemo,” smiled Jenson as he sat opposite him.

He raised his cup and Mark obliged by clinking his against it.

“Good weekend all told,” offered Mark.

“I'll say,” Jenson agreed.

“Ha, you would, you won.”

“Precisely. You weren't too shabby in second though.”

“Thanks.”

“Glad to go home?”

“Yep very glad.”

“You're doing well.”

“Hmm?” frowned Mark.

“You've not checked your phone for a whole five minutes. Is Seb on his flight already?” teased Jenson.

Mark rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at his friend. Then again JB teasing him was a sign things were good. When Jenson was more sensitive it usually meant they were in troubled times. Mark knew what he preferred.

“Not yet mate.”

It would be soon though. Seb's flight set off earlier than Mark's. He pulled his phone just to check, then looked back to see Jenson shaking his head.

“What?”

“Nothing,” smiled Jenson.

“You made me think of it,” protested Mark.

His phone wasn't on silent, but that was hardly the point. Mark wanted to make sure he said something before Sebastian had to switch his phone off, but he was hanging on to see if he could speak to Jenson first.

“Yeah fair enough. So you'll be pleased to get home I presume?”

“God yeah. Is Jess going to back or are you on your lonesome?”

“Back Wednesday.”

“Ah. Oh well that's not so bad.”

“What about you?”

“Malaysia's in two weeks.”

“Ah, going with Seb then.”

“Yep. Better than being stuck at home.”

Jenson nodded and sipped his coffee, thinking how inseparable they really were.

“Any plans then for while you are home?” he enquired conversationally.

“Um, this and that, mostly just being glad to be there,” offered Mark vaguely.

He wondered how Jenson would react if he told him they had a parenting class Tuesday night. Dolls and nappies. Ah dear, JB would fall off his chair laughing. That definitely wasn't a detail to share here. Mark glanced to the side where the next table over had vacated. No one was sitting that close now. Maybe he could tell him more generally about their news?

 

“Me too,” agreed Jenson. “See what the weather's like and get some good rides in.”

“Uh huh.”

“Not all of us are blessed with your indoor pool and gym.”

“You have a gym you go to.”

“I have to leave home to do it.”

“Poor you,” smiled Mark. “How you suffer in your Monte Carlo penthouse.”

“It's not a penthouse.”

“Yeah alright.”

“And I know I'm hardly suffering. You just have a nice set-up that's all.”

“Yeah mate I know. We're very fortunate.”

“Everything you need in your country hideaway,” smiled Jenson. “Just you and Seb and the dogs. Your idea of heaven, right?”

“Pretty much,” agreed Mark.

Pretty much, but not entirely. Mark looked at his friend. He really should tell him what it was that they wanted to make their home really perfect. Just a little extra addition. Something money couldn't buy.

Jenson picked up something in Mark's expression and frowned.

“What?”

Mark puffed a little breath. No one could overhear them could they? Jenson surely wouldn't shriek in shock and bellow the whole thing to the entire airport? He did tend to react pretty strongly to things, particularly if it was an exciting bit of news. Maybe he should pre-warn him and get Jenson to calm himself down a bit?

“Um, yeah perhaps not all we want,” Mark began.

“Oh? Gonna build a bigger extension?” joked Jenson. “What next? Indoor cycle track?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“No mate, something rather smaller than that.”

“Oh?”

Mark was just about to leap in when a family came over and noisily took over the table next to them. Damn. Mark glanced at them and thought they were surely more interested in themselves than a pair of racing drivers it was unlikely they would recognise. They had American accents and he knew they were less well-known over here, but then he saw the father glance over and Mark thought how both he and Seb raced here in Austin and must have at some point hit local media. It was the sort of look someone gave you when they couldn't quite work out where they might know you from. Ah hell, he couldn't risk it.

“No plans to make any big changes to the house mate,” covered Mark.

 

No big changes to the house as such, rather the household. Jenson moved on though, making more jokes about how poky his flat was and how he could fit it several times over into Mark's extension alone. Mark hid a sigh and nodded. Finding the right moment was so tricky. Maybe he should have gone round to his room and interrupted Jenson's nap earlier? Ah well. His phone went and Mark pulled it out with an apology to Jenson.

SEB: Just about to go. Any joy with JB?

MARK: No it's too busy. Sorry sweetheart.

SEB: That's ok, don't worry about it. Why don't we call them in the week or something? We can do it together then.

MARK: Sure, good plan. Ok well safe journey. See you on the other side. Love you xox

SEB; Love you too. Can't wait to see you Liebling. Looking forward to us playing with dollies together. xox Your Seb (& I can't wait to be yours again very soon).

 

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Oh dear,” he let out.

“What?” asked Jenson.

“Nah mate I couldn't possibly.”

“Ach you're a terrible tease.”

Mark smiled, think Seb was a worse tease, but Jenson would enjoy that comment too much.

“Not gonna share?” pressed Jenson.

“Nope. Sorry.”

“You're not really sorry.”

Mark smiled at him and flicked his eyebrows as he fitted his phone away and Jenson shook his head. He was sure he missed all kinds of things with those two, but then all couples had their secrets.

“Perhaps not. Anyway, I'm sure you'll be glad to have Jess home.”

“I will indeed, yes.”

Mark nodded, then sipped his drink. Their big news about their plans for a little addition would just have to wait.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Many long and slightly cramped hours later Mark was nursing another coffee in his hand as he waited at another airport for another flight, but not his this time. He was watching the arrivals board looking for Seb's flight appearing. Despite setting off earlier, Sebastian was due in later, but then he had further to go. Thankfully Seb regained time heading west whereas Mark lost it coming the other way. It all got so confusing they had given up worrying about the details and all they cared about was what time they were both due to arrive at Heathrow. Seb half an hour after Mark was the answer, so he stood and he sipped and he watched the board.

  
  


Sebastian switched his phone back on the moment he stepped off the plane and read it in line while he waited to have his passport checked.

MARK: Here, waiting, drinking yet more coffee. See you soon X

Sebastian beamed and the woman in the booth who had been about to tick him off for not paying attention, ended up smiling too as he looked to her.

“Good news?” she asked.

“Oh, um yes, sorry, here you go.”

Seb showed his passport and rushed on to collect his case, grabbing it as quickly as he could from the conveyor and then hurrying on to the meeting area just outside. As soon as he spotted him Seb was beaming even wider and raced on out to get past the barrier as fast as he could drag his suitcase with him. Mark had already ditched his coffee and he dumped down his shoulder bag as Sebastian reached him. Mark was already smiling as soon as he saw him, but as Seb got closer he could see such light in his eyes. Jenson could tease all he liked about Mark being desperate to see Seb again. That look on his face made Mark feel a million dollars, like he was the most important person on earth, and to Seb he really was.

Seb's bags were abandoned with Mark's at his feet as he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. Mark kissed him back and fitted his arms around Seb lifting him clean off the ground. Sebastian closed his eyes and hardly noticed the way his feet were a couple of inches clear of where they should be. He felt as though he floated when he kissed Mark anyway.

He sighed as they pulled apart and Mark slowly lowered him down.

“Hey,” grinned Mark.

“Hey Liebling. You were on time then?”

“Yep, all very efficient. Yours okay?”

“Uh huh, all good.”

“Great. Shall we go home?”

“Yep.”

  
  


They sorted out their bags and started making their way through the airport to get to where they were parked. They had their bags on opposite sides so they could stay pressed in, Mark's arm around Seb, Seb's in turn fitted lower around Mark's back.

“Did you sleep alright on the flight?” checked Mark.

“Yeah not bad. You?”

“Yeah some. You tired?”

Sebastian sent him a smile.

“Are you wanting to go to bed when we get back Liebling?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Either way darling I wouldn't say no.”

“Either way?” teased Seb.

Mark laughed again and gave Seb a little squeeze in as he looked at him.

“Don't give me those innocent eyes. You know what I mean.”

 

Sebastian simply smiled back beatifically, then looked at him just as innocently.

“You know Liebling I have a confession to make.”

“Oh?”

“Mm, I did something rather naughty.”

“Did you? What would that be then?”

A grin spread over Seb's face.

“Mm, yes, you see I may have accidentally stolen something.”

Mark frowned.

“What?”

Seb bit his lip, trying not to laugh as he leaned in to whisper.

“You know that little towel?”

Mark looked at him and Sebastian was now utterly failing to look innocent.

“This would be the barely adequate one?” asked Mark.

“Mmm. I think I might have accidentally put it in my bag.”

“Accidentally.”

“Mm. I don't know how it happened Liebling. I think I must have been distracted somehow.”

Mark opened his mouth, more than distracted himself and Seb smiled as he leaned in to whisper again.

“I thought you might like me to model it for you? Really Liebling, it's terribly small. It barely, covers, anything,” enunciated Sebastian teasingly.

 

Mark turned to look at him and nearly fell over when Sebastian actually batted his lashes. Mark coughed a laugh, shook his head and let go his arm from around him. Sebastian was about to ask if he didn't like that idea when Mark grabbed his hand and spoke, his voice distinctly a note lower.

“Walk fast sweetheart or I swear to god I'll put you over my shoulder and leave the bags here.”

Seb giggled as Mark pulled them on.

“But Liebling, the towel?”

“Bring the towel, sod the rest.”

Sebastian laughed again and did his best to keep up with Mark's longer strides as he hurried them towards the exit, both of them somehow hanging onto their belongings, amongst which there was that little stolen towel tucked away. Seb hoped Mark didn't get them stopped for speeding on the drive home. Imagine explaining why.

 

 

* * *

 


	176. Nature Nurture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunday night, so here's a chapter.

* * *

  
  


  
  


Mark looked down and huffed a sigh. He shook his head and tried again then looked up and caught Seb trying not to laugh, his cheeks bunched and tweaking as he almost lost the battle.

“Why can't I get it right?” protested Mark.

“It looks okay,” assured Seb, trying to be a little more supportive.

Mark picked the life-sized newborn baby doll up off the raised desk where they stood and the nappy slipped right off.

“Oh,” smiled Seb.

“Mm.”

Mark sighed and Sebastian giggled slightly and lifted up his own dolly whose nappy stayed on just fine. Mark huffed as Seb put the doll back down and smiled over at the teacher who was an actual midwife assisting and largely taking this class. The teacher smiled back and started coming over from where she had been advising someone else nearer the front in what was actually a science lab up on the second-floor at the college.

“Teacher's pet,” whispered Mark.

Sebastian smiled, unbothered. He had brought a notebook and had spent the early theory part of the lesson frantically writing notes which Mark had shaken his head at, but rather admired nonetheless. The woman came over and inspected their work.

“Oh well done, very nice,” she commented on Seb's.

She looked at Mark's doll which was currently sans nappy and Mark shrugged.

“I've done the real thing. I'm not sure why this is harder.”

“Ah well give it another go,” she encouraged.

Mark did so and lifted it up to show the way it slipped, not all the way this time, but still drooping to the doll's knees.

“You're doing it too loose.”

“I know but...” Mark sighed. “I don't want to hurt them.”

At his side Seb was fighting valiantly not to laugh.

“Liebling it's just a doll, it's not a real baby.”

Mark looked down at the doll lying on the desk. They were fairly realistic looking things, little scrunched up newborn faces with closed eyes. They kindof unnerved him a bit, but it would have been worse to see glass eyes staring up at him. He'd never played with dolls as a child, not even a GI Joe. They just weren't his thing. Give him a toy race car any day of the week.

The midwife leaned in and redid the nappy as Mark and Seb watched.

“You see they have elasticated waists, so there's some give in it. You need to do the fasteners up securely or as you see, they'll slip down, or worse.”

“Or worse?” frowned Mark.

The midwife looked at him.

“Leakage.”

“Oh.”

Mark and Seb sent each other a look and Seb scrunched his nose slightly. There was a word you didn't want to hear in this context. Yuk.

“Okay try again,” instructed the nurse.

Mark did so. He couldn't seem to stop his brain worrying about hurting the baby by being insensitive and treating it roughly. His hands felt big and clumsy and the baby seemed so small by comparison. The fact it was a rubbery inanimate object he was working with just didn't seem to compute.

This time he did do the nappy up tighter and the midwife nodded as she slipped a couple of fingers beneath the waistband to test it.

“Yes that's more like it. Do this.”

Mark took over and fitted a finger in to test if the elastic still moved when he pulled on it.

“See you're right, you don't want it too tight, that wouldn't be good, but you need it tight enough. Just test for a little give and be sure it's not squashing their little tummy too much,” she advised.

Mark nodded.

“I have changed nappies on real babies, my nieces and nephew,” he insisted.

The midwife smiled and nodded.

“You know I think it's actually easier with a real baby,” she agreed. “They might wriggle and cry, but you can sense if you're getting it right in my view.”

“Mm.”

“Not that this isn't valuable of course.”

“Do you do this with real mums?” asked Sebastian.

She smiled at the expression.

“You'll be real parents too you know.”

“Yeah I meant, like before they have babies.”

“Yes of course. We run ante-natal classes doing this sort of thing. We all have to learn. Mums, dads, I don't think anyone automatically knows what to do. You're just the same.”

Sebastian nodded, glad to be reassured. He so wanted to get this all right. Mark might tease him, but he worried that others would assume they were going to be hopeless and somehow it did feel as though they had to try harder than others who were parents naturally rather than having to adopt.

 

“Okay well I'm going to run through techniques and tips for safely and hygienically cleaning baby at nappy changes,” announced the midwife, leaving with a smile to go to the front to inform the rest and gather them all around her front table where she did her demonstrations with another doll and a bowl of warm water and cotton-wool.

Mark and Sebastian watched on, no giggling or being silly now. As soon as she sent them back to their desks to try the same Seb quickly opened his notebook and wrote down what she had said. Mark smiled and gathered up their bowl from all the equipment at the end of the desk and began running the tap in the little handy sink between them and the next desk, waiting for Seb to join him before they both felt the water as she had advised, making sure it felt comfortably warm, not hot, before half filling the bowl and taking it over to sit between them on their desk as they tried it out.

As Mark dumped another piece of damp used cotton-wool onto the table he shook his head at Seb and spoke quietly.

“This does feel weird, don't you think?”

Seb looked up from where he was carefully cleaning a perfectly clean doll's behind, holding up its little legs with his other hand and Mark smiled as Seb finished the task and just as carefully placed the legs down before turning to him.

“Yeah a bit, but it's good though.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Course it is sweetheart. I think you're a natural.”

Sebastian shrugged, but he looked pleased. Mark gave him a little kiss on the cheek. Every time he, or even better the midwife, praised him, Seb looked thrilled to bits. It really was adorable. He was so keen. Not that Mark wasn't keen too. He just thought he was better at listening and trying it out rather than bogging himself down writing notes.

  
  


They ran through all the other tasks; the correct way to hold a baby at different stages of development, how to wind a baby properly after feeding, how to help them get off to sleep and how to put them down to rest so they were lying safely on their backs. They might have read most of these things already in the baby books, but it did feel better to hear it from the horse's mouth as it were and to try it with somebody watching on and giving constructive criticism without worrying too much about the consequences. Both of them worked to get it right and Mark found himself looking for praise from the midwife in just the same way Seb did, and no doubt the rest of the participants, a few of which were those they had seen at the other class and others who were new. Everyone seemed more interested in their own progression rather than other people in the group which was just as Seb and Mark wanted it.

  
  


By the end of the class Sebastian turned to Mark just after the midwife had thanked them and politely asked them if they could tidy up all their equipment and leave it on the end of the desks and put unreusable items into the bins.

“This was really good wasn't it?” noted Seb.

“Yeah good.”

“You didn't feel too silly?”

Mark smiled.

“Well I might have if you weren't doing it too. No it's good. I much prefer practical stuff.”

“Me too. I think the theory's important too though.”

“Sure.”

Mark gathered up all their used cotton-wool and nappies and deposited them in the bin while Sebastian put the bowl and other unused things on the end, then they both went back to the dolls. Seb automatically picked the doll up in the way they had been taught to for newborns and Mark smiled, holding back the tease he was tempted to make. So what if it was just a doll, not a real baby? Having seen Seb do that he felt he couldn't do any differently so Mark slipped his hand under the 'baby's' neck to support there where it met the head, the his other hand under its little bottom and legs. He lifted it up and carefully placed the doll next to Seb's and the oddest thought crept into his brain that the desk was too hard and they ought to have little mattresses to lie on so they were comfortable. Mark shook his head and Seb looked at him.

“What?”

“Nothing sweetheart, just my brain taking all this too seriously.”

“It is serious.”

“Yeah I guess.”

Sebastian looked at the dolls lying together and wished they had a little blanket to tuck over them.

“It feels as though we're putting them to bed for the night,” he commented.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Bit close to the edge there. They might roll over and fall off.”

Sebastian went to move them, then stopped.

“You're teasing me.”

Mark shook his head.

“No, that's actually what just ran through my head. I'm clearly losing the plot already and we've not even got to the broken sleep part.”

“Or the real babies.”

“Quite. Oh well.”

Sebastian looked at the dolls again then shook it off. They were just dolls, not real babies. They didn't cry, they didn't wriggle or breathe or do anything other than lie there. He still oddly hoped that when the organisers packed things away they didn't just throw the dolls in a box. That would feel so wrong the idea almost upset him. Mark gave him a smile and put an arm around Seb as others around them were starting to pull on coats and say their goodbyes and thanks as they left.

 

“I think we did pretty well actually,” decided Mark.

Sebastian gave him a smiled and nodded.

“Yeah.”

He picked up his coat from the back of a chair and put it on as Mark did the same. It was dark outside at eight pm now it was late September and the air wasn't so warm. Summer was long gone, but at least they had a nice little patch of time at home before they had to head off racing again. It felt good to be getting on with things and Rachel had helpfully booked them a few classes to fit in while they could. In two days time they would be back for another class, this time down for one on general child health, nutrition and health living, which was bound to be more theoretical, but sounded useful. Both Seb and Mark thought they knew a decent amount about healthy living, but you couldn't really apply what they knew about an athlete's life to that of a baby or small child and they wanted to know everything they could.

Once ready they went to the front and thanked the two women who had been running the class today.

“I hope you found it useful?” asked the midwife.

“Oh it was great,” assured Sebastian. “I mean as Mark says, we've had a bit of practical experience, but only bits and pieces and we really appreciate advice from a proper professional.”

The woman smiled.

“Nice to be called that.”

“We do appreciate you taking the time to do it,” commented Mark.

“Well I must confess I do get paid, but thank you. Actually this is about the easiest part of my week, not that I don't love dealing with the real thing as it were.”

“I'm sure,” smiled Mark.

“A bit of a break from the more stressful side,” she agreed, “though there are many joys too of course, but I can't pretend a rest from hearing crying isn't a relief.”

“We just wanted to say thank you,” added Seb “and any more classes you're doing we're going to ask to come to, even if it's just the same thing over again.”

“Practise makes perfect,” she smiled, “though nothing really beats the real thing.”

“Mm.”

Mark put an arm around Seb, knowing that he really wanted just that.

“Well thanks anyway, we'd better be going.”

“I'm sure I'll see you again. Well done for today.”

 

As they walked out and back along the corridors Mark gave Seb a smile.

“I'm sure she would have given you a gold star if she had them.”

Sebastian pouted.

“I just want to get it right.”

Mark gave his arm a rub.

“Course you do darling. So do I.”

Seb nodded.

“I wish we could actually practise with real babies. I know that probably sounds weird.”

“It's not weird. I think I might actually find it easier.”

“I don't suppose they can just bring a dozen real babies to a class,” pointed out Seb. “I can't see new mums just handing them over to strangers.”

“No I suppose. Then again they could come and get paid to supervise, help with the classes or just sit on the side with a coffee while we do all the work changing their baby's dirty nappies and feeding them.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“They'd have to be very trusting.”

“The midwife would make sure we were alright and the mums could have a rest and make some money. I reckon I could market that,” asserted Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Can't see it somehow. If it was our baby I don't think I'd let strangers anywhere near him. Would you?”

Mark thought for a moment how bizarrely protective he had felt just towards those dolls.

“No guess not. Oh well. Maybe we can go see your sister some time, have a practise with Sofie?”

“Yeah. I don't know when.”

“Mm. We'll have to get the diary out.”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian seemed a little quieter and as they reached the car Mark looked to him.

“Alright?”

“Yeah, just, I dunno. There's a stupid part of me wanted to take those dolls home with us so we could look after them.”

Mark couldn't tease him. He put his arms around Seb and gave him a hug.

“I know.”

“Stupid really,” sighed Seb.

Mark lifted up to look at him and shook his head.

“No it's not.”

“You won't tell anyone?” appealed Seb.

“Sweetheart as if I would? You just have very strong parental instincts, that's all.”

“You think?”

“Yep. You're a natural.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded.

“Thanks. You were really good too. I know you'll make the best daddy.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“You too.”

Sebastian gave a tiny shake of his head and Mark frowned.

“Yes you will,” he insisted.

“Not daddy, papa. You'd be Daddy, I'd be Papa.”

Mark sighed and smiled at the same time. Seb was so cute at times he wanted to squish him.

“Of course,” he agreed.

“That's what it is in German, what I'd be.”

“What you _will_ be darling.”

“Okay.”

“Great, so that's handy isn't it? Can't both be the same anyway,” asserted Mark. “You'll be Papa and I'll be Daddy and our little one won't get confused then.”

“That's what I thought.”

Mark nodded.

“Well that's cos you're the smart one.”

Seb just shrugged one shoulder.

“You don't think it's silly?”

“Not at all. I think it's very practical. We need to decide these things.”

“Okay.” Seb let out a long sigh. “It will happen won't it Liebling?”

“Of course it will. We're just getting started sweetheart. We'll get there. Why don't we drop Rachel an email tomorrow telling her how much we enjoyed the class and asking for more of that sort and then we'll make sure we stay on her radar.”

“Yeah okay. I don't think she'd forget us.”

“No, but it can't hurt.”

“Okay, yeah sure.”

Sebastian pushed up and gave Mark a kiss.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“No problem. Shall we go home?”

“Yep.”

 

 

  
  


They settled onto the sofa together, mugs of tea in hand and the dogs still fussing a little into their legs, glad to have their masters home again.

“Yes you daft things, calm down,” chided Mark.

He put his mug down and gave them a rub, then a push to sit down properly while Seb flicked the television on, finding a David Attenborough nature documentary for them to relax watching.

“This okay?” he checked.

“Yep fine.”

Sebastian put down the remote control and Mark retrieved his tea so they could sit comfortably together, leaning in to one another as they sipped and watched, not feeling the need to talk too much. As they finished their tea and put the mugs down Seb pulled his legs up onto the sofa and rested his head down on Mark's shoulder as Mark put his arm around him, merely giving him a smile and a kiss on the cheek.

The programme they were watching was restful with nice scenery and interesting information that wasn't too taxing on the brain, though Mark always hoped there wouldn't be anything too distressing shown. Seb was so sensitive. On another occasion an episode they had watched had shown life on the African plain which was fine until it came to a mother and baby elephant who couldn't find food, the infant slowly fading away until it died and Seb was left in bits. It wasn't that Mark didn't think such things were sad, but he managed an emotional distance that Sebastian didn't. Mark didn't think the less of him for it, it was just the way they were.

The programme moved on to another section and Mark didn't know whether it was better or worse that it was on various wildlife and their young. He glanced down to Seb, trying to get a read on him. Sebastian was too busy watching to notice. A mother bird was feeding grubs directly into her chick's mouth and Seb was thinking about what the midwife had said about everyone needing to learn parenting skills and how Mark had said he was a natural at it. He turned to Mark.

“Liebling.”

“Mm?”

“How do you think they learn?”

“Huh?”

“In the wild. They don't have parenting classes do they?”

Mark puffed a breath as he thought about it.

“Guess not. Dunno, I spose they learn it from their own parents mostly.”

Seb gave a considered nod.

“Yeah I was just wondering how much of it is instinct, you know, whether all people, all animals have it.”

“Mm good point. Maybe. I think not all.”

“No,” sighed Seb. “Not everyone's a good parent I guess.”

“Not even in the animal kingdom. Cuckoos put their eggs in another nest and push the resident eggs out so the other bird has to raise their young.”

Seb pouted.

“That's horrible.”

“I know.”

Sebastian puffed a breath then turned more to Mark.

“Did you know at the New York zoo they had gay penguins who adopted a baby chick?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah I think I heard of that somewhere. I don't think they're the only ones.”

“No, I just remember that story.”

Mark nodded.

“So they looked after it alright then, these penguins?” he enquired.

“Mm. They were very good parents apparently.”

“Good stuff. Happy ending then.”

“They split up in the end though.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Downer ending then.”

“Yeah, sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

 

Mark shrugged and Seb reached to take his hand.

“We'd never split up,” Seb assured him.

“Course not. Hell sweetheart being apart from you for five days was too much for me.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Me too.”

Mark rubbed a thumb over the back of his hand as he looked at him.

“Other people might split up, but not us. We're the mate for life type. I bet there's plenty of examples of that in the animal kingdom.”

Seb nodded.

“Yep definitely. I couldn't live without you Liebling.”

“Well that's okay cos you don't need to.”

“Good.”

 

Sebastian snuggled in closer to Mark and took in a deep breath of him as he rested his cheek into just below his shoulder. He let out a little happy sigh and Mark smiled as he stroked down Seb's arm. Split up? How on earth could he ever give this up? Not a chance.

Seb tipped his head up slightly to look at him.

“I thought we could ring Jess and Jenson tomorrow night,” he proposed.

“Sure. Jess is back then right?”

“Yep. She says she should be back tomorrow afternoon.”

“Oh have you talked to her already?”

“Just texts.”

“Ah okay, well yeah, sounds good sweetheart.”

Mark smiled, then narrowed his eyes at him as he leaned in.

“You didn't tell her about the dolls did you?”

Sebastian giggled.

“Well...”

“Seb!”

Sebastian lifted up and shook his head while still laughing.

“I didn't. Course I didn't Liebling. I wouldn't do that to you.”

Mark let out a heavy sigh and shook his head, then got Seb under the ribs to tickle him.

“You little...”

“Ah ah no, Mark don't!” squealed Seb pushing away at his hands.

Mark relented and shook his head again.

“Rotten little tease.”

Sebastian pouted at him.

“Sorry.”

Mark leaned in and kissed him.

“I'm only kidding sweetheart.”

“I was too.”

“I know.”

Mark took in a deep breath and Seb leaned in closer again.

“I wouldn't tell anyone anything without us agreeing Liebling,” he assured far more seriously.

“I know darling. You just got me there for a second,” admitted Mark. “Just me being paranoid.”

“I wouldn't tell people that stuff,” promised Seb. “They wouldn't understand.”

“No I suppose not.”

 

Mark let out a huff of air and Seb looked up to him, his eyes big and appealing.

“Nobody really understand us except you and me.”

“No,” agreed Mark.

“You're the only one I tell everything to.”

“Yeah.”

Mark paused as he thought how much Seb really did confide in him. He gave Seb a smile.

“I'll tell you something then and you can't tell anyone else,” Mark offered.

“I won't.”

“I know. Okay, so I will tell you darling that I really enjoyed tonight.”

“Playing with the dollies?”

Mark smiled.

“Yes. Playing with the dollies. Okay so I felt pretty stupid at first, but it was good once I relaxed and got into it. And I'll tell you another thing; I ended up almost thinking of them as real babies. So there's a confession for you.”

“Really?”

“Yep. I mean I'm not totally insane. I know they're not, but it sort of felt real.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I know what you mean. I think it's cos they took it all so seriously, like the midwife and that.

“Yeah.”

 

Seb let out a little sigh, then turned and lay himself down on Mark's lap looking up at him. Mark smiled down and stroked a hand over Sebastian's hair.

“I know you wouldn't ever tell anyone anything darling.”

Sebastian gave a little confirming nod.

“Neither would I,” added Mark. “Not even the silly stuff.”

“I know that.”

Seb reached for Mark's other hand and wove his fingers through Mark's before looking back to him.

“Liebling I never need to even think about that. I trust you.”

“I do trust you too sweetheart, course I do. You just got me in a weak moment. Just for a second.”

“'kay.”

“I trust you darling. I promise.”

“I know.”

“Good.”

Mark leaned in over him and smiled before dipping down to kiss him on the lips. Sebastian sighed, then giggled slightly.

“Funny angle.”

“Are you complaining?” asked Mark.

“No.”

They looked into one another's eyes, both of them smiling now.

“Wanna go to bed?” proposed Mark.

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Excellent.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


With this being their last week at home together for the next month Mark and Sebastian wanted to make the most of it. They had more classes booked for the Thursday and the following Monday as well as a meeting with Rachel, but other than that they were enjoying spending their time just as they liked to at home; swimming, cycling, running, using the gym and walking the dogs, having their little treats like going for coffee, as well as just taking time together relaxing. On the Wednesday they waited until after dinner to sit down on the sofa to phone their friends.

It would have been nice to speak to them both in person and if their schedules over the Autumn wasn't so packed then inviting their friends over for a weekend would have been nice, but they had sat down with their dairies and they only had one weekend after this one where they were both free all the way until the end of November when their seasons ended. They didn't want to make any promises with all they had going on, but they had tentatively earmarked that weekend for some kind of family visit. Though whether they would have the energy to go to Germany, or would feel up to an invasion of Vettels, they weren't yet sure. Even _looking_ at their shared calendar up in the kitchen was rather overwhelming. Their hired plane was going to be busy, that much was for sure.

Of course they could choose not to travel with each other, or decide to stay out there when there were back-to-back races, but even if it was only for a couple of days both Seb and Mark would prefer to come home. They would just have to hope they could sleep on those flights. At least there was only the one weekend where they clashed at the end of October when Seb was in Mexico while Mark was in Shanghai and just the same as the year before, their seasons finished in the Middle East with one weekend after another at the end of November where they simply didn't feel comfortable or even entirely safe being there as a couple. For now though they were ignoring that as best they could, simply accepting that the next two months would be busy. With trying to fit in yet more parenting classes and anything else that might crop up via the adoption agency they were even keener to get home where they could.

As Mark pointed out, they weren't likely to have the opportunity to get bored.

 

The mobile phone they had set just in front of them on the coffee table was ringing. Mark looked to Seb.

“You mentioned to Jess we were gonna call?” he checked.

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian. “I just said this evening sometime though.”

“Mm. Oh here we go.”

The call clicked through and Jessica's voice came over the line.

“Hi Seb, sorry I was just fetching Jense.”

“Hi,” chimed in Jenson.

“Hey guys,” replied Seb.

“Hey as well,” smiled Mark.

Jenson chuckled.

“Hi both. Ha this is a proper conference call isn't it?”

“Yeah sorry. It's just we're so busy.”

“Oh no that's okay,” assured Jess. “We were just saying it would be nice to see you some time, but I don't know when you might be around.”

“Mm, bit of a sore point,” commented Mark, “we were just going through everything this afternoon with our diaries and it's a bit manic for the next couple of months.”

“I thought it might be.”

“Sorry,” apologised Sebastian. “Maybe, I don't know, perhaps early December? I know that sounds ages off. Perhaps you could over for a weekend or something?”

“Oh that would be nice. Jense we could do that couldn't we? Maybe fit in a bit of Christmas shopping too.”

Jenson smiled.

“I'm not sure they quite as keen on shopping as you.”

“Oh, well something anyway,” she modified.

“We'd like to see you,” assured Sebastian, already trying to think when might work and what they could do that they would all enjoy.

“Aren't you coming out to Japan Seb?” enquired Jenson.

“Oh that's a point,” realised Mark. “Yeah we're doing the back-to-back. I'm going to Seb's race then he's staying out with me for Fuji the weekend after.”

“Oh brilliant,” smiled Jess. “I'll be there for that. I arranged work to fit around it for once.”

“Ah there we go then, excellent.”

“We're going to Tokyo for a few days between it,” explained Sebastian.

“Oh ho, I smell a night out,” grinned Jenson.

 

Mark looked to Seb. They were planning a rather more romantic spell together, but maybe they could spare one night to spend with their friends? He gave him a little shrug and an indication that maybe they could and Seb nodded.

“Sure, that sounds good. We'll have to look at it, work out when would fit in,” he offered.

“There we go, good stuff,” agreed Jenson. “So were you just calling to make plans then?”

“Tsk Jense, can't they just call to say hello?” chided Jessica.

“No course they can. I was just wondering.”

 

Mark puffed out a silent breath as he and Seb looked at one another.

“Um, well of course we wanted a chat,” he offered vaguely, “though we did kindof want to catch you together.”

“Oh?” prompted Jenson, clearly intrigued.

Mark looked to Sebastian. They hadn't realised that they would all be out in Japan together in a few weeks time, but they'd built themselves up to telling them now so they might as well do it.

“Yeah, um, okay so if we tell you something, can you guy promise to keep it to yourselves?”

Jenson raised his eyebrows. What now? There was always something with these two. His wife saw the look and shook her head at him to hold his tongue.

“Of course we promise,” she assured them.

“Yeah you know you can trust us,” added Jenson.

“Thanks,” replied Sebastian.

“Is it something big then?” asked Jenson.

“ _Jense,_ ” frowned Jess, knowing his propensity to make a joke of things.

“What? I meant...” he sighed, “I dunno, I wasn't taking the piss. Sorry guys, really I just wondered.”

“Yeah it is pretty big actually,” admitted Mark.

“Oh really? Okay, well. Seriously, I'm not gonna say anything.”

“We'd appreciate it if you didn't mate. This is pretty big and we haven't told anyone else yet.”

“Well no one outside family and sortof official people,” added Seb.

Jenson looked to Jess. Officials? Hell, what did that mean?

“Is everything alright?” enquired Jessica.

“Yeah it's okay,” Sebastian assured her, hearing the concern in her voice.

“Yeah it's fine. It's just pretty big for us,” added Mark, “hence the fact we've not told people yet and we really need you to keep it to yourselves too.”

“We will, of course we will,” vowed Jess.

“It's really important,” emphasised Seb.

“Seb we wouldn't, you know we wouldn't tell anyone.”

“No I know, sorry. We're just a bit paranoid.”

“Well that's okay. We understand, don't we Jense?”

 

Jessica looked to her husband promptingly. They both knew their friends had been though too much and they suspected a whole lot more that they hadn't been told. The way the media exploited their difficulties it wasn't hard to see why they worried so much about their secrets getting out.

“Of course we do,” concurred Jenson. “We didn't tell anyone about you guys getting married did we? Or even that you were together.”

“He didn't even tell me that one,” noted Jess.

“Yeah course. No we know we can trust you, sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

“It's fine, we understand. So what is it? You are alright?”

“Yeah we're good.”

“Okay, so?”

 

Sebastian moved to slip his hand into Mark's. They hadn't exactly rehearsed this, or decided who would say what. Even with friends it was actually harder than it should be. Seb suddenly wished that they had left it until they were all together, but it was too late now. He just had to leap in. Seb squeezed Mark's hand and tried to think how to start.

“Um, so, yeah we have some news, good news, though we're only really just getting started, but we wanted to tell you, well really we've wanted to tell you for a while, but it's been really tricky.”

“The whole process is so complicated,” added in Mark, “and it's been a battle just to get this far, so that's why we haven't said anything yet.”

“What process,” frowned Jenson.

Sebastian took a deep breath and jumped in.

“Adopting. We're trying to adopt.”

 

Jessica gasped, her eyes going wide as she put her hand over her mouth in surprise while Jenson simply goggled at the phone.

“Um, guys, are you still there?” checked Mark.

Jess moved her hand so she could speak, though she still felt slightly stunned.

“Oh my gosh, you're adopting?”

“Well we're trying.”

“We've been approved,” confided Seb, “only like a month ago by the adoption agency, but that took forever, so we don't know how long it will take to actually get matched.”

“As in matched with a child we can adopt,” explained Mark.

“Yeah and we want a baby, so apparently that takes longer, though we don't know how long.”

“Oh Seb, a baby?” let out Jess. “I think I might cry. You're going to adopt a baby?”

“That's what we want.”

“Oh my gosh, that's, oh that's so lovely.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a second. Hearing the emotion in his friend's voice made him feel emotional too. He wanted it so much. If only they could say when it was going to happen. Mark rubbed over his hand, knowing how he felt.

 

“We just don't know when. Getting approved was a big hurdle, but we've got a whole load more yet before we get there,” Mark explained.

“Oh but you will surely? You'd be wonderful parents. You were so good with your little niece when we were over,” noted Jess. “Oh I should have guessed. The way you were with her. Ach, why didn't you say when we were there?”

Sebastian felt a little guilty about that. Perhaps they should have told them then?

“Sorry, just, it's been so difficult to get approved,” he explained. “We had to go through so much. It took months and months and so much work and then, well we thought it might not happen... when they found out about Heikki and...”

Sebastian's voice caught and Mark mouthed 'it's alright' as he rubbed his hand and took over with a sigh.

“They said they had to put us on hold. Our case that is. So, well, like we said. It's been very difficult, but then, well obviously circumstances changed, though we didn't find out that they had changed their minds and we'd been approved until a couple of days after you guys had gone.”

“Oh I see. Oh dear you do have it hard don't you?” sympathised Jess.

“Mm, well all that matters now is that we are approved, which is great of course, but now we have to wait and see.”

“For them to find you a baby?”

“Yeah. Unfortunately it's not as simple as just getting approved and picking one out to take home.”

“No I wouldn't think it was.”

“That's okay Jess,” assured Seb, feeling recovered. “It's just really hard to explain to other people. It's honestly been taking up nearly all our spare time while we've been home between races. We had to get so many references and medicals and make changes to the house so it's child-safe and so many meetings and interviews. We had to see a psychiatrist, one of theirs that is, each of us to be passed and I had to get Henry, my old therapist, he had to see me and write a reference too. Honestly it's been never-ending.”

“My goodness. It sounds like it.”

“Mm.”

“But you've passed all that though?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that's wonderful. Oh surely they'll find a baby for you? I'm sure you'd be amazing parents.”

“Thanks. Yeah we just have to hope now really. Well there's a few more things we're working on, but yeah.”

Jessica let out a long sigh. She was thinking of how happy Seb and Mark had looked holding baby Sofie at the barbecue a month ago. How had she not clicked that was what they wanted?

“I think you'll be wonderful parents.”

“Thanks. We did want to tell you before, but it was just so complicated.”

“Oh no that's alright, don't worry about it.”

“We really wanted to know we'd been approved first,” pointed out Mark.

“Of course. No that makes sense,” agreed Jess.

 

Mark sent Seb a smile. He'd been sure they would understand. Jessica at any rate. Jenson had been quiet.

“Jense mate, you still there or have you fainted?” asked Mark.

Jenson coughed a little laugh.

“Honestly mate I think I'm in shock.”

“Thanks.”

“No it's great, course it is, but blimey, I hadn't imagined, well, I don't know.”

 

Mark huffed a laugh. Jenson really did sound stunned. Perhaps it was best he hadn't told him in that airport café? He might have had to pick him up off the floor.

“That's alright. Yeah once apon a time I hadn't imagined it either, but it's what we want.”

“Yeah, right, wow that's, really, yeah...”

Jessica laughed and shook her head.

“I think you've broken him. Jense you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, really that's, blimey.”

Mark shook his head and smiled at Sebastian.

“You want a lie down mate and we'll call back when you've recovered?” he teased.

Jenson huffed and shook his head as he pulled himself together.

“Hey you guys just are way too good at dropping these bombshells.”

“Sorry,” smiled Mark, not really feeling all that sorry when it was nice news they were sharing.

“You've not got anything else tucked up your sleeves have you?” checked Jenson. “You're not about to turn up in Fuji with infant twins or anything?”

Seb let out a little laugh at their friend's tone and Mark gave him a flick his eyebrows.

“Actually nothing would give us greater pleasure,” commented Mark, “but I'd think that's unlikely.”

“We really only want one baby anyway,” added Seb.

“Yeah. Blimey. A baby though, wow.”

Jess shook her head at Jenson.

“Well I think it's great. I can't wait to see you now to give you a hug. Well I want to see you anyway, but now I really do.”

“Thanks. Yeah we want to see you too,” replied Seb.

“Yeah we definitely need to see you,” agreed Jenson. “Ach, Mark you know I bloody _knew_ something was up with you at the weekend.”

 

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah sorry mate. It's a tricky old business though.”

“Yeah guess so.”

“And we really are trusting you guys not to say anything about this.”

“Of course.”

“I mean to anyone, even a hint. We need to keep this private.”

“I'm not gonna tell anyone.”

“Yeah alright, sorry, it's just it's incredibly complicated and obviously with the team...”

“Oh hey mate really. I'm not gonna go blabbing.”

“Okay.”

“It's just apart from anything else there's loads of privacy stuff with the adoption agency,” added in Seb, “and we really can't afford to have a problem with them. We've worked so hard and we want this so badly. We really want a family.”

 

Jessica put her hand on Jenson's thigh and gave him a look not to make any more jokes. Seb sounded almost plaintive. She'd have to find some time alone with him when they were together and have a proper talk about it.

“Of course. You don't need to worry,” she promised. “This is just between us. We're honoured you've told us. Aren't we?”

“Absolutely,” assured Jenson. “Don't worry. I wouldn't gossip about something like this. I really do promise.”

“Thanks,” replied Seb.

“Yeah thanks,” Mark added.

 

Sebastian sent Mark a look wondering if he wanted to go ahead and tell them about their plans for when they really did have a baby, but Mark gave him a tiny shake of his head. It sounded as though Jenson needed a bit of time to absorb this much information before they went any further.

Jessica let out a long sigh.

“Oh I'm so pleased for you, really that's great news. Seb sweetie we'll need to work out when we can hook up in Tokyo. I'm working in the week so I can come to the race at the weekend, but I don't know the exact schedule.”

“Yeah we'll find a time.”

“Good.”

She let out another sigh.

“Well I wasn't expecting this,” she admitted.

“Ha, me either,” agreed Jenson.

“No well we thought it would be good to tell you together,” stated Mark.

“Although we hadn't really thought about Japan had we?” Seb added, with a look to him.

“Well we're very glad you told us now. You can tell us more about it when you see us can't you?” asserted Jess.

“Yeah of course.”

Jenson let out an audible puffed breath and Mark smiled.

“You still recovering there mate?” he enquired.

“I honestly think I might be,” laughed Jenson. “No though it is great, course it is. Well good luck with it all.”

“Thanks.”

“So you really don't know how long it will take to arrange?” enquired Jess.

“No 'fraid not.”

“Lots of people want babies you see,” Seb explained. “But it's really what we want, so we'll just have to hope.”

“It'll work out,” assured Mark softly, more to Seb beside him that the others.

“Of course it will,” agreed Jess. “Well, how exciting.”

“Mm.”

“Okay well I guess we should let you go, but thank you for sharing that with us, we're really so pleased for you.”

“Yeah we are,” concurred Jenson, “and your little secret is safe with us.”

Mark rolled his eyes, but he knew their friend was sincere.

“Cheers, we appreciate it.”

“Yeah thanks. Okay well we'll work out when we can see you in Japan,” reminded Seb.

“Sure.”

They said their goodbyes, Mark joking that Jess should go get Jenson a stiff drink to restore him, then hung up.

 

Over in Monaco Jenson still felt as though he was reeling. Jessica was smiling away to herself and Jenson laughed.

“Bloody hell. Those two. You never know what's coming next.”

“Oh I think it's lovely,” argued Jess. “They're so sweet. Can you imagine how cute they're going to be with a baby?”

Jenson puffed a breath.

“I'm trying to picture Mark with a baby.”

“Well you saw them with their niece at their party didn't you?”

“Mm I guess. Never occurred to me that they were in the market for one.”

“Tsk, Jense. They're not _buying_ a baby.”

“It was a joke!”

“Well I don't think you should joke too much with them. It sounds as though they've been through a lot with it already.”

“Mm I guess, anyway I was joking to you, not them.”

“Alright, well for heaven's sake don't go telling anyone.”

Jenson looked at her.

“I'm not going to.”

“Mm.”

“I'm not. Bloody hell, why does no one trust me?”

“I _do_ trust you. I don't trust that lot you go cycling with. They love to gossip. I swear you lot are worse than a bunch of old ladies.”

“Hmm, well maybe,” allowed Jenson. “I meant it though, there are things that are off-limits and this is one of them. You're right, it sounds like they've been through a bunch already, I wouldn't screw it up for them.”

“No, okay, sorry.”

“I'm just a bit shocked, but yeah I guess you're right, they were very keen to hold that baby at the party.”

“Their niece Sofie.”

“Yeah her. I guess that surprised me a bit at the time, but I guess they did look pretty at home now that I think about it.”

“I think they'll be great,” asserted Jess.

“I'm sure. Full steam ahead for them isn't it? They only got married a few months back.”

Jessica shrugged.

“You don't know how long they might have been wanting it.”

“Spose not. They do keep things to themselves don't they?”

“Well you know why that is.”

“Hmm.”

Jess shook her head.

“They've had far too much go on. They deserve to be happy.”

“Yeah course they do,” agreed Jenson. “Yeah I mean if this is what they want, all power to them.”

“And of course no wonder they're a bit paranoid with the media. Can you imagine what the papers would do with this?”

“Hmm, well we'll keep it to ourselves” assured Jenson. “I know they don't need any more of that.”

“Good.”

 

Jenson thought back to the past weekend and when he and Mark had hung out at the airport, then he laughed.

“What?” frowned Jess.

“No I just realised what Mark meant. The other day at the airport we were having coffee and just you know, shooting the breeze as usual, and we ended up talking about future plans and I dunno, I was joking about them getting an even bigger extension and Mark said, well I can't remember exactly what, but he made a remark about them wanting something smaller.”

He laughed again and shook his head.

“My god, something smaller. Ha, I'm so thick. I had no idea what he was getting at. Bloody hell. A baby. Pfff. Seb and Mark with a baby.”

“Aw I think they'll be lovely parents.”

Jenson gave a little shrug.

“Yeah why not? Hell I never imagined them being married, never guessed they were together. What do I know?”

“I wonder how they're going to do it?”

“Hm?” frowned Jenson. “Well I dunno how that all works, but it sounds as if they're on top of it if they've been approved. Just got to wait to be found a baby now.”

“No I didn't mean that. I meant when they have it,” clarified Jess. “I mean they've no time now with them both racing all round the world. How are they going to manage with a baby?”

Jenson shrugged.

“Dunno. People do. You see other drivers with their families and sprogs in tow at races.”

“ _Jenson,_ ” tsk'd Jessica.

“Well you do.”

“Yes but I'm betting they have their wife or girlfriend doing all the actual work looking after the baby.”

“Oh, yeah I spose. Hmm, dunno.”

“Seems a lot for them.”

Jenson shrugged.

“Not hard up are they? Guess they'll get a nanny. I can think of worse jobs, jetting all around the world going to races and babysitting.”

Jessica laughed.

“Are you volunteering?”

“Ha, maybe I should? I could do that. I reckon I'd be an awesome nanny.”

“Hmm.”

“Yeah maybe not. I think my talents lie behind the wheel. Anyway I'm sure they've thought it through.”

“I suppose we'll have to ask when we see them.”

Jenson smiled.

“I'm sure you'll get Seb to tell all.”

“Ah it's not like that. I think he needs a friend to talk to who isn't one of you lot.”

“One of us lot?”

“A racer. I think he appreciates a little perspective.”

“Oh. Well I'm sure he appreciates you.”

Jess nodded. She wondered if Seb ever would tell her all the things she guessed he wasn't. Maybe not. She wasn't going to push him when he seemed to spend his whole life fighting off those who pried into his life.

“We have to make sure no one finds out,” she asserted.

“Well I'm not gonna say anything to anyone.”

“Not even a hint.”

“Not even a hint,” vowed Jenson. “Cross my heart and hope to die, terrapins tickle me if I lie.”

Jess shook her head and sighed.

“I'm pretty sure that's not how it goes.”

“Was at my primary school,” smiled Jenson.

“Hmm. You and your sense of humour.”

“Yeah you love it really.”

“Good job too.”

Jenson leaned in and gave her a kiss.

“I know. I'll be a good boy love, promise.”

“Alright. Well do you want that drink Mark suggested?” offered Jess.

“Ha, yeah you know what, that sounds an excellent idea. I'll get it. You want a drink too?”

“Sure.”

 

Jenson went into the kitchen area, calling back over to see if his wife thought they should open a bottle of wine. She agreed and then leaned back on the sofa, looking out of the large window at the view. Seb and Mark with a baby. Well. Jess thought she was almost as surprised as her husband, but she knew she shouldn't be. It was Seb and Mark, maybe nothing should surprise her any more?

  
  


  
  


 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need to push on with my writing, so if I post what I have hopefully it'll give me a shove to get on with writing more - I need to motivate myself to formulate my thoughts into proper chapters going forwards.


	177. Doing It Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having got caught up by RL time we now jump a little ahead. So take my hand and let's go to Japan. I could do with a little pick-me-up and I'm not the only one...

* * *

  
  


  
  


As soon as they could after Seb's race in Suzuka they made the reasonably short hop up to Tokyo. Their hired plane was going to be having a busy time, but the company were getting plenty of money from the Vettel-Webbers, so they were no doubt quite happy with the arrangement and Seb and Mark had had a chat with the crew and established that they were all making the most of a short break in Tokyo themselves. Once they got to their hotel Mark joked how it might be a bit awkward if they bumped into any of them over the next few days while they were being tourists.

“Tokyo has a population of over thirteen million, I think we've got a decent chance of being able to lose ourselves,” Seb pointed out.

“As always darling, I defer to your greater knowledge,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian knew Mark was half joking, half meant it, so he just smiled and lay out on the bed with a sigh. Mark leaned down on his side to look at him.

“Tired?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded. It was a long day with all the race prep, the race itself, all the media commitments and then working with the team to round things off. It was half nine now, but it felt later, even for Mark. Seb had to be knackered.

“Tell you what sweetheart, why don't we just get a bit of food sent up and go to bed?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian looked to him and nodded.

“Yeah I'm not up to much else, sorry.”

“Nah it's fine,” assured Mark. “Me neither. We've got plenty of time to do stuff in the week.”

“Mm, okay. I think I could use a lie-in tomorrow.”

“Sure. Well we can do that, have a late brunch or whatever, then maybe have a little pootle out, see where we fancy wandering.”

Sebastian laughed lightly. Ah he was tired, but he liked the way Mark put things. 'Pootle'. It sounded so comical, like a little clown car bumbling about.

“Sounds good Liebling.”

  
  


  
  


By the time they actually did get out and about the next day it was really the afternoon, but seeing as the whole point of them staying out in Japan between their two races was that they were meant to be enjoying their time together rather than rushing about for once, it didn't matter. They wandered the busy streets, mostly just enjoying the sights of the city, going into some shops and looking out to see if they passed any restaurants that they could go to later.

“I had a text from Jess by the way,” commented Seb as they strolled down a narrow little street lined by market stalls.

“Oh yeah?”

“Mm, she said she's kind of busy working until Thursday, but she'll join us on Wednesday evening when Jense gets out here.”

“Sure.”

“I felt a bit bad really,” admitted Seb.

Mark frowned as he looked to him.

“Why?”

“Well cos the truth is I'm quite glad she's not free till then. I'd rather we just had a few days to ourselves.”

“Ah, well me too.”

“That's not bad of me is it?” Sebastian checked.

“No. Course not, I want the same.” Mark put his arm around Seb. “To be honest sweetheart I suspect Jess knows that. She wouldn't want to get in the way.”

“Hmm. I do feel a bit guilty she'd feel that.”

“Nah, Jess is good at appreciating what people need. You and I need a little holiday. Besides, I'm not sure she'd really enjoy being a gooseberry all week.”

“I spose. Jense doesn't seem to mind when it's him.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Jense isn't the sensitive type.”

“No I suppose not,” agreed Seb.

Mark gave him a squeeze in and kissed his cheek.

“Don't worry about it darling. Jess is fine. I'm sure she's busy with work. We'll all have fun together on Wednesday night and then you can hang out with her at the weekend while JB and I are busy racing.”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Sebastian smiled as a stall-holder waved various goods at them and Mark shook his head, trying to remember what 'no thanks mate' was in Japanese.

“I've had an idea,” Seb announced as they continued on.

“Oh?”

“For what we could do Wednesday night with Jess and JB.”

“Ah right. Yeah I know Jense seems to think it would be a good opportunity for a big night out, but quite frankly darling these old bones aren't up to getting trashed and then getting in the car two days later.”

“Exactly,” agreed Sebastian. “So I thought, I mean Jess said a meal, which is fine, and Jense wants to go out after, so I thought what we did last time we were here might be an idea.”

“You mean _you_ getting trashed,” teased Mark.

“No.” Seb narrowed his eyes at him. “Precisely the reason I _don't_ want to do that again thank you, but the other bit. We did some karaoke didn't we? That was fun.”

“Ah yes. I think my mind tried to erase that little disaster.”

Sebastian frowned, feeling a little deflated.

“Oh. I thought it was a good idea. Didn't you enjoy it?”

Mark smiled and squeezed him in.

“I didn't mean that. I meant I was so bad at it.” Mark shook his head a little at how sensitive Seb could be. “I did enjoy it sweetheart, course I did. I just meant I'm pretty bad at singing.”

“You weren't that bad. It was funny.”

“Hmm.”

“We don't have to. I just thought it might be fun, you know without us having to just go drinking.”

“It is a good idea darling,” assured Mark. “Should distract Jenson from his wicked plans and I'll have some handy blackmail material on him should the need arise.”

Sebastian smiled and huffed a tiny laugh.

“I don't think I've heard Jenson sing.”

“I can't say I have either, but the odds are he's not about to ditch his racing career to go on the X-Factor.”

“No I can't see that either,” agreed Seb. “Okay, so you think it's a good idea then?”

“I think it's an excellent idea. Very smart. Keeps us busy without getting us into too much trouble and we can all just have a laugh. Perfect.”

Mark noted the way Sebastian stood a little bit taller at the praise.

“Okay, well shall I suggest it to Jess then?”

“Sure. I don't suppose she much fancies lugging Jenson back drunk after a night out either.”

Seb huffed a laugh and pulled his phone out to text while he thought on. Mark let go of him while he sent the message, then as Seb put his phone away Mark took his hand and smiled as they walked through the bustling streets, enjoying this little detail almost more than anything else.

  
  


  
  


That evening they sat at their table in the restaurant they had picked out, eating meals that Seb had sensibly taken some time to research in advance so he and Mark didn't end up ordering random things without at least having some idea of what they were getting this time. They chatted about the race weekend just gone and joked about the rather startling enthusiasm of some of the Japanese fans.

“You know I think if I was just a fan it would be one of the races I might be quite keen to experience,” noted Sebastian as they ate their food.

“Would you dress up with a cardboard race-car on your hat?” teased Mark.

“I might.” A smile tweaked at Seb's cheeks. “Actually no, I'd feel too silly, but it is kindof fun.”

“Sure. Yeah Suzuka's a good one. Plus there's the fairground.”

“Well Liebling you could have gone.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“On my own? That would have been a bit sad.”

“Mm, I guess. Shame we don't get a middle day off like in Monaco and we could have gone together,” suggested Seb.

“Ha, we'd be mobbed sweetheart. Place full of race fans? I don't want to big myself up, but I'm pretty sure they'd recognise us together.”

“I'm glad no one has here,” noted Sebastian.

“Me too. You not feeling the need to wear a disguise then?”

“Hm, no, not unless people do spot us. Then I might get the sunglasses and cap out.”

Mark shook his head. He didn't want Seb to feel self-conscious while they were on their little break.

“Nah, busy city, we don't draw any attention to ourselves. I reckon we'll be fine.”

“Hope so.”

“Well we're not like Lewis are we? Constantly tweeting pictures to the world to show people what he's up to.”

“No I suppose.”

“He likes the attention,” observed Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I guess he does.”

“Up to him,” conceded Mark. “But that's not us is it darling?”

“Nope.”

“Nope,” Mark echoed in agreement. “I'm sure we'll be fine. I think it's a context thing really. If they see someone at a circuit they expect it might be a driver, but if it's somewhere they wouldn't necessarily expect to spot one, then they assume it can't be and it's just someone who looks a bit like them.”

“Yeah guess so,” accepted Seb. He thought that perhaps the pair of them being spotted together might be a bit of a give-away, but they would just have to hope for the best.

 

“Anyway,” restarted Mark, changing the subject, “today was nice.”

“Yeah I liked that it was nice and chilled,” concurred Seb. “I think last time we were here, I mean it was really good obviously, but we were rushing around a bit trying to fit things in. it's nice we don't have to this time.”

Mark nodded.

“That's true. Well if you just want to have a nice chilled-out time why don't we see if the weather's decent tomorrow and we could get a picnic, go to that park? We didn't really look around all of it last time.”

“Oh that would be nice.” Sebastian paused, then bit his lip. “Is it rude if I check?”

“Rude?” frowned Mark.

“I just wanted to have a quick look, see what the weather forecast is.”

“Oh.” Mark laughed and shook his head. “Nah it's just us. Let's see, then we can plan ahead.”

Sebastian pulled his phone out and looked at the weather app, then back up to Mark.

“Well?” prompted Mark.

“We're good, yeah. Actually nicer than today,” Seb reported, “20°C, mostly sunny.”

“Ah there we go, excellent. All good then.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian smiled and fitted his phone away.

“We could have a little walk around, see where we pass that sells food and just gather up enough stuff.”

“Sure. There's always those little supermarkets aren't there?”

“Yeah. Right well there we go, that sounds nice.”

 

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You know what sweetheart I kindof like that we don't need big plans to fill our time. We did race about a bit last time.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Well we were trying to make the most of it weren't we?”

“True. And yeah when I think back, I really was so thrilled just to be away with you like that,” confessed Mark. “It felt like a little secret stolen holiday together.”

“Well it was really wasn't it?”

“Mm.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Yeah not quite perfect though seeing as we weren't together then.”

“I think we sort of were weren't we?” argued Seb.

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“I suppose we were in all the ways apart from a few crucial details.”

Sebastian chuckled.

“Oh and what would they be Liebling?”

Mark shook his head.

“Honestly sweetheart I think what made me happiest today was simply that I could hold your hand as we walked around. I was dying to do that last time we were here.”

“Were you?”

“Yeah.”

 

They looked at one another across the table and Seb moved his foot under it to rub against Mark's. Mark smiled and let out a little sigh.

“All a very long time ago,” Mark noted.

“Yeah.”

Mark reached and took Seb's hand, giving it a stroke with his thumb.

“I've been wanting to come back and do this right.”

“Do what right?” queried Seb.

“Just this. Just us being out here together as a proper couple.”

“Well we were going to last year weren't we?”

“Mm.”

Mark sighed a little again and Sebastian shrugged.

“Couldn't be helped.”

“Oh. No sweetheart, I wasn't blaming you,” assured Mark. “I mean god, this time last year the last thing I cared about was holidays. I'm just glad we got to come back here that's all.”

“Racing calendar actually working for us for once this year,” commented Sebastian.

“Ha. Yeah, bloody hell. Who does that job? I swear they must just close their eyes and stick a pin in their diary then write the date down.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Yeah I think some of the guys in the garage were saying something like that only rather more colourfully.”

“I'd imagine.”

“They were particularly impressed with them not making Singapore and Malaysia back-to-backs,” reported Seb.

“Mm, that wasn't too clever was it?” agreed Mark. “Then again I can't say I was sorry we got to be home in-between.”

“Me too, but for the guys traipsing back and forth it wasn't so good.”

“No. Oh well.”

“I mean selfishly it was good for us of course,” noted Seb. “I'm glad we got lots of classes in and seeing Rachel and the meeting last week was good. It's been nice to feel productive.”

 

Mark nodded. They'd certainly been busy. After seeing Rachel the week before Seb's race in Malaysia they had agreed to cram in the interview for the foster-to-adopt programme. Thankfully it had only been with her and Laura, but it was good to get it done.

“True darling. And that interview thing wasn't as bad as all that was it?”

“No well we've done most of it already haven't we?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We're getting to be pros.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Maybe. It does still feel a little uncomfortable being asked all those questions, but at least we know now that we're getting somewhere.”

“Course we are. We just have to wait for them to get back to us now.”

“Mm, well she said she'd ring.”

“Sure. Next week maybe?”

Sebastian nodded.

“During our whole two and a half days at home.”

“Yeah. Pfff. Ah well. Thank god for the plane, eh?”

“I'll say,” agreed Sebastian. “Actually, I know it's a bit mad dashing back and forth all the time, but I'm kind of looking forwards to the class we've got booked for Monday night.”

“Assuming we're awake for it,” commented Mark dryly.

“No we will be. We just have to sleep on the flight home from your race on Sunday.”

“Sure. Okay well yeah. If not we'll just have to take a nap in the day when we get home.”

“I do really want to make sure we keep going to the classes,” insisted Seb. “I know we're shoe-horning them in a bit.”

“No that's alright sweetheart. You're right, we need to keep on with them.”

“Yeah and I really want to do that first-aid class,” stated Seb. “I think I'll feel so much better knowing I've at least got an idea what we ought to do if something happened with the baby. It'll give me more confidence.”

Mark nodded.

“Course. Yeah it's important. We'll make sure we're up and at'em for that one.”

“Good.”

“And if I miss anything we'll have your handy guide won't we?” noted Mark.

Sebastian pouted.

“You're teasing me.”

Mark smiled back.

“Well, it is very cute that you take all those conscientious notes sweetheart, but I'm not taking the piss. It's good. It shows how much you care.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I just find it helps, like when I work with the engineers, it makes me think about it more and, well...”

 

He stopped and Mark leaned in a little more, reading something in his expression.

“Seb?”

Seb sighed out a breath and squished his face to the side.

“I worry a bit that I might forget stuff,” he confessed.

“Oh sweetheart.”

Sebastian shrugged and Mark sighed and shook his head.

“Oh darling why didn't you say? I feel mean now for teasing you.”

“No Mark it's just me being paranoid.”

“Yeah but I wouldn't have made a joke about it darling. Not about that.”

“No I know.” Sebastian sighed. “It's okay. Don't feel bad. I know I'm like that anyway.”

Mark looked at him directly.

“Hard-working is what you are sweetheart. It's in your nature. I only meant it was sweet how seriously you took it. Damn. Are you really worrying about forgetting things? I thought you were okay.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I think I am. I just want to be sure I don't forget.”

“Okay.”

“You know, important stuff, so I guess it's my way of making doubly sure it goes into my brain properly and then I've got a fall-back to look at. Like at night in my room. If you're not there for a race when I get back I'll just have a flick through my notes from the day's debrief and then I can relax knowing I've really got it,” explained Sebastian.

Mark stroked over Seb's hand. He wanted to hug him.

“Darling. Ach. I feel bad now.”

“Don't. Really Liebling it's fine. I like it when you tease me. I don't mind. It's not unkind. It helps me not take things too seriously, cos, you know I can get that way and then you make a joke and I feel a bit lighter about everything.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Liebling I wouldn't lie to you.”

“No. Alright.” Mark puffed a long breath. “Are you really worried you'll forget things?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Not like seriously. It's just back-up. I've been doing it in one way or another for ages, at races I mean, not really elsewhere, so I guess I just do it more since I came back.”

“Right.”

“And it made sense to do it with the parenting classes too.”

“Of course it does darling. Cos you take them just as seriously.”

“Yeah. So, anyway, I guess it's a habit now.”

Mark nodded.

“I'm sure your guys are very impressed you're so conscientious.”

“Hmm, not so sure they'd like the idea I might forget stuff.”

“You don't though. Do you?” checked Mark.

“Not anymore than I think is normal. I mean I think I'm pretty good, but it's not like I've never forgotten anything, but nothing major.”

“Like what?”

Seb puffed.

“I don't know. Tiny details, like a speed differential or something from the day before.”

“Oh well that's not anything sweetheart,” reassured Mark, feeling more reassured himself. “I don't think anyone memorises the whole shebang. The engineers are there to do that.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“I can guarantee you Danny-boy doesn't do that much homework.”

“Spose not.”

Mark frowned.

“Are you really worrying about remembering stuff?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It just... I guess a bit of the worry lingers. In the back of my mind.”

“Right. But nothing's happened? Nothing you need to worry about, that _I_ need to worry about?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Okay,” accepted Mark. “Darling you will tell me won't you? If there's ever anything like that that worries you or just bothers you. Even if you think it's nothing.”

“Okay.”

“Promise me?”

“I promise Liebling.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark let out a sigh, then tried to shake it off. He didn't want to make Seb worry more by reacting too heavily.

“Alright well I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. I just think you work harder than anyone else and set your standards like way high.”

Mark indicated up above his head with his spare hand and gave Seb a smile.

“You're just a hard task-master on yourself sweetheart.”

“I guess. I dunno. I don't know how else to be,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“Don't be any different. You're perfect the way you are. You know your guys must thank their lucky stars they have you as their driver.”

“Oh well I don't know about that.”

“Well I do. Seb they respect you because you are the way you are. You work hard, you treat them and what they do with respect whether they're the top engineer or the guy that wheels the tyres in.”

“That's Dave.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah sweetheart. That would be my point. You know his name.”

“Of course I do.”

“And you probably remember his birthday and make sure you say something nice to him on it and you know the girl on the reception desk at the factory.”

“Simona or Bridget, they job share.”

“Of course.” Mark smiled. “Darling if I wasn't married to you already, I'd marry you in a heartbeat.”

Sebastian gave him a more relaxed smile.

“So would I.”

“What marry me or marry you?”

Seb pulled a face.

“Marry you, you idiot.”

“Even with my stupid sense of humour?” smiled Mark.

“Even so Liebling.”

“Well I'm very grateful for that darling. But you know if I tease you about something stupid, or just, well whatever my big mouth does, just feel free to tell me to shut up, alright?”

“Alright.”

“I mean it Seb. If I'm clumsy about something, just set me straight.”

Sebastian gave him a more serious nod.

“Okay Liebling I will. But it's okay, you know about the notebook stuff. I wasn't upset by it I promise.”

“Okay then, well we're good. Anyway I might take the piss, but I'm relying on you darling. When we get our baby and I'm stuck trying to work out how to do something, I'll be asking you to check.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“We'll have the notes out while we try to change a nappy.”

“You never know,” agreed Mark.

  
  


The waiter came by to take their plates and seeing as both Seb and Mark turned down desert and coffee, brought over their bill. Once they had settled up with the far easier option of paying by card over attempting to use local currency, they began their walk back to the hotel. It wasn't all that late so they took their time taking in the atmosphere of the city at night, all bright lights and the streets busy with people enjoying themselves. Sebastian slipped his hand into Mark's and gave him a smile.

“See we can do this all the time now.”

Mark huffed a laugh and kissed his cheek.

“Absolutely we can. And I wasn't kidding darling. It's one of the nicest things.”

Sebastian nodded.

“The little things,” he agreed.

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian leaned a little more into Mark and laughed.

“Much better than the last time we wandered the streets of Tokyo at night. There's something I don't remember so well, but at least I know why.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah well I wouldn't worry about that. We've all had nights we had one too many.”

“I think I had two too many,” joked Seb.

“Mm. Ah well. Not going to have to threaten to put me over your shoulder this time am I?”

“Only if you want to.”

Mark chuckled and gave Seb a wink.

“Perhaps we'll save that for back in our room.”

“Yeah.” Seb thought less about that and more about that night two years ago. “I really did make a bit of a fool of myself back then.”

“Hm?” frowned Mark. “You just got drunk Seb. No big deal.”

“Yeah. The thing is...” Seb paused and looked to Mark. “I kindof did it cos I was nervous. Drinking that is. I don't mean the beers, that was fine, I mean that spirit stuff that tipped me over the edge.”

“You were nervous? What of?”

Seb shrugged.

“You weren't nervous of me?” queried Mark.

“Kindof. Not really of you, just, I dunno. I guess I was a bit nervous of the situation.”

Mark was still frowning. He didn't like the sound of that.

“Sweetheart, why would you be nervous?”

“I don't know. Looking back it seems silly, but I guess I just picked up... I don't know, an atmosphere. Like maybe my subconscious knew there was something between us and I just got a little bit... like I didn't know how to handle it,” confessed Sebastian.

Mark puffed a breath.

“Hell Seb I wish I'd known.”

“It wasn't that I didn't want more to happen with you,” assured Seb. “I really did, but I think I was still just a bit messed up.”

“No darling. Not messed up,” argued Mark. “It's okay to be nervous. I was nervous.”

“Really?”

“Yeah course. God, I was so desperate to make things happen between us, but I really didn't want to spoil our friendship and... yeah sweetheart perhaps I was a bit of a mess too back then.”

“Oh. Well, I guess it's good nothing happened until it did.”

Mark huffed a laugh and let go of Seb's hand to put his arm around him.

“Fate.”

“Yeah.”

“And dodgy camp-beds.”

“Those too.”

 

Mark let out a sigh.

“You know darling it's probably my fault you were nervous that night. I was trying to build myself up to say something, so you must have picked up on that. I feel bad it made you so nervous you had to have a drink.”

“Maybe neither of us were really ready?” offered Sebastian.

“Guess not.”

“I was just silly getting drunk. I just wanted something to make me relax. I didn't realise what I drank was that strong until it was too late. It was a good job you were there.”

Mark shrugged, deciding not to point out that he was also the cause of Seb getting drunk.

“You took care of me,” recalled Sebastian.

“Meh, just helped you back to the hotel.”

“I didn't actually throw up on you did I?” Seb checked.

“No you saved that for a dumpster.”

“Lovely. Oh dear. Sorry.”

“Nah, no worries. Just made sure you got back in one piece and put you to bed.”

Sebastian looked to him. He'd made a fool of himself and Mark had taken care of him, got him back and made sure he was alright.

“You're such a good guy.”

Mark shrugged.

“I just did what anyone would.”

Seb shook his head sadly.

“No Mark, they don't.”

 

Mark had been about to make a joke about him being a gentleman, but the words died on his lips at the depths in Seb's eyes. Even with all the neon around them, there was a darkness there. Shit. It horribly occurred to Mark that that night here in Tokyo with Seb was significant for another reason. Mark knew too much of Seb's past. The realisation crashed in that there was a very real chance he might actually have been the first person to be in that situation with Seb who had finally done the right thing.

Sebastian had got drunk in a bar with a guy, feeling a little nervous about what would happen he had hidden from reality he couldn't handle in alcohol. Far from the first time he'd done that with someone, but when Mark had taken him to bed because Seb was wasted and incapable of looking after himself, it had been to tuck him in and make sure he was safe, not to take advantage of him when he was defenceless. _Christ._ Mark knew only too well that wasn't how it had gone before. Had he really been the first person _not_ to treat Seb like that?

Mark stopped and looked to Seb, not sure what to say. Back in the summer Seb had told him that Mark was the only person he had ever been able to say no to. He hadn't said how Mark had been the only one had hadn't _needed_ to try to say no to, or Seb not even be capable of that much and still trust that he would be okay and nothing would happen.

Sebastian put his arms around Mark's neck and pressed in, pressing his cheek into Mark's and just staying that way for a moment. He loved Mark even more for the fact he didn't seem to even appreciate how amazing he was. Mark thought he was just how people should be, but Seb knew they weren't, not enough of them.

“You're a good guy,” whispered Sebastian. “The best.”

Mark took in a breath and rubbed a hand over Seb's back where he held him in. He just didn't understand how people could have taken one look at Seb and not appreciated what they had right there. How could they have looked in those beautiful blue eyes and not wanted to look back at them forever? Mark just couldn't compute how they could have seen Seb, or anyone like that, young and trusting and maybe nervous, and when they realised how drunk and vulnerable they were, not just instinctively want to take care of them and make sure they were alright. How could they just do the opposite and take advantage of him, or worse actively hurt him? How could they do that sort of thing and live with themselves afterwards?

Mark sighed.

“I don't understand some people,” he admitted.

Sebastian lifted away a little to look at him and nodded. It almost made him sad to know he understood the darkness that was out there when Mark didn't, but in other ways Seb was glad that Mark couldn't ever really understand it. Mark was too good for that, too decent. He didn't understand because he had never really encountered it in the way Seb had. In a way that made Seb glad. He had a good man and he loved him. Mark had taught him there was more goodness in the world than Seb had believed possible.

“I know Liebling.”

Mark put a hand at the side of Sebastian's face and they merely looked at one another for a moment.

“It's okay,” reassured Seb.

  
  


They started walking along again and as they got closer to the hotel, Mark puffed out the longest breath.

“I feel a bit bad,” he confessed.

“Why?” frowned Seb.

“Well... back then, when you and I walked back. I did kindof enjoy having you all over me like that.”

Seb let out a tiny laugh.

“Oh Mark. And you say _I'm_ too hard on myself.”

Mark shrugged.

“Shouldn't I feel a bit guilty? You were wasted and I was happy to have you draped all over me”

“Ach Mark, don't be silly. You looked after me. You didn't do anything wrong. Totally the opposite. You took me back and put me to bed.”

“I shouldn't feel bad I liked having you so close?”

“No. You're allowed feelings Liebling. You're allowed to be human. Besides what did you do to feel bad about?”

“Well... I don't know. I just had my arm around you and it felt nice that you were pressed in.”

“Oh my god Mark, that's nothing.”

“I had to put my hand in your pocket to get the key out.”

“So? What else were you supposed to do?”

“I guess.”

“What was the alternative, leaving me to sleep it off in an alleyway?” challenged Seb.

Mark managed a smile.

“Spose not.”

“All I really remember Liebling is you looking after me. I remember your arm around me and honestly it felt _nice_. I mean not the feeling sick bit, but being close with you was nice. I wasn't totally out of it.”

“No okay.”

“And we were friends weren't we? It wasn't like you were a stranger taking me off into the night.”

Mark took in a breath and nodded. He didn't even want to think about that phrase.

“Liebling don't go thinking you did anything wrong because you didn't. You were lovely. You just looked after me. Really you did that so many times, have done so many times since then. Don't you know that's why I love you?”

Mark could only look back and him and Seb shook his head.

“Only one of the many many reasons obviously, but Liebling don't go finding a way to feel bad about it. So what if you liked being close to me before we were officially together? So did I. They were the best part of my life back then. I'd have given anything for one of your hugs.”

“Me too.”

“So there we go then. We just needed time to build up to more. I know it wasn't so great at the time, but I think things happened as they were meant to in the end,” asserted Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You've been talking to my sister.”

“Your sister is very wise.”

“So she is sweetheart.”

“Come on, let's get back to the hotel and I promise you now Liebling that you are more than welcome to carry me to bed.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Good to know.”

 

They continued on walking and Seb looked to Mark.

“You didn't actually carry me to bed then did you?”

“No darling I just joked about it.”

“Thought not. It's all a bit hazy.”

Mark shrugged.

“I just kept you upright, though I made the mistake of letting go of you when we were in the lift and you just kindof slid down the wall. It was kindof funny.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Elegantly slid down though, right?”

“Hmm, I'm not sure I could give it elegant. Amusing, certainly. You couldn't stop giggling.”

Sebastian laughed again and shook his head.

“Oh dear.”

“You were very cute darling.”

“And you, mein Liebe, were my rock to hold onto as always. Mein Fels. My gorgeous, wonderful, knight in shining armour.”

 

He stretched up and kissed Mark, catching just the corner of his mouth, so Mark turned to give him a proper kiss on the lips. He'd far rather imagine himself as a knight saving Seb than a creep enjoying a sneaky feel. If Seb promised him it was okay Mark thought he could accept that it was and Seb was right, they were already close, so it had only been more of the same really. He wasn't going to beat himself up about it. Mark smiled to himself as Seb leaned his head into Mark's shoulder. Such a feeling could never be allowed to be associated with anything bad. It occurred to him that Jenson would find the idea of Mark thinking of himself as a knight absolutely hilarious, but Jenson didn't need to know that it made Mark walk a little taller to know Seb saw him that way.

“I think I vaguely remember being in the lift.”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian smiled as Mark looked to him.

“I think I kindof remember sitting on the floor of the lift and your face,” recalled Seb.

“My face?”

“Yeah, just you looking at me.”

Mark shook his head.

“What did I look like?”

“You.”

“Well yes.”

“I dunno Liebling, that's just the last thing in my memory of that night. I remember you in front of me, looking into your eyes and I sort of fade out on that.”

“Mm well you did pretty much fade out.”

“Did I fall asleep?”

“Not in the lift.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Thank heavens for that.”

“I'll say. Not that you aren't pretty light sweetheart, but I don't think could lug you all the way through the hotel.”

“Ha, no, guess not.”

“Nah I just walked you back, got you to lie down and just, you know sat there for a bit making sure you were gonna be alright, then I went to bed.”

 

Sebastian smiled softly at him. Mark had sat watching over him. At his most vulnerable. Stupidly blind drunk. When he'd happily put his arms all over Mark, (and Seb even had the vaguest of memories of pressing into his nice strong chest at some point), all that and Mark managed to worry he hadn't quite done the right thing because he'd enjoyed having Seb leaning into him. Bloody hell.

Sebastian let out a sigh.

“You know I was such an idiot back then. How did I not realise?”

“Realise what?”

“That you were in love with me.”

“Ah. That,” smiled Mark. “Well I was just as much an idiot darling.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You know most people get drunk and then regret telling someone they love them. We're the other way around.”

“Hmm, I just took your shoes off and left a bin by your bed in case you threw up. Much more prosaic than declarations of love.”

“Actually I think that _was_ telling me you loved me. I just took a while to work it out.”

“Ah well, we got there in the end.”

“Mm, you know I did wonder about that bin,” admitted Seb. “I nearly fell over it when you came round in the morning.”

“Ha, well there's love for you,” smiled Mark. “Do something nice for you and you nearly fall flat on your face as a result.”

They both laughed and as they arrived back at the hotel and stepped into the lift, Sebastian gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“My hero leaving a bin out for me to throw up in.”

Mark gave him a smile back.

“Should have had that in our wedding vows. I hereby promise to always put a bin out for you.”

“Thank you Liebling. A trash can for if I get trashed. I likewise promise.”

“Ha, well let's hope we don't need that this week.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No, hopefully not”

The lift pinged open and they stepped out into the corridor to walk to their room as Mark opened the door he gave Seb a wink.

“Don't need me to give you a fireman's lift over?”

“I think I'll manage Liebling, but thanks.”

“Open offer.”

“Thanks.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


 

The next day they made no great rush to get out. They went to the gym, then had a late breakfast before venturing out. They took a bag so they could buy a few things as they went along and had a little fun going in and out of places, trying to work out what various food and drinks on sale were and doing their best to work out prices in Yen. They stopped for a coffee in what was admittedly a distinctly American coffee shop, then braved the underground system to get the train to Shinjuku Gyoen Park. On their whistle-stop tour two years ago they had taken a look here, but it felt so nice to stroll slowly in the gentle Autumn sunshine, Seb studying the little map he had picked up at the hotel to work out where they should go to look at the different gardens. They were all beautifully laid out and immaculately manicured.

As they walked along over a bridge by one of the ponds in the traditional Japanese garden Sebastian and Mark stopped to lean on the railing looking out at all the trees and foliage.

“It'd be nice to come here in the spring to see this with all the cherry blossom,” commented Seb.

“Another thing the FIA failed to think of,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Ha, very remiss of them. It's still nice like this though.”

“Course it is,” agreed Mark.

“It's very peaceful.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You prefer your nature a little wilder don't you Liebling.”

Mark shrugged.

“This is very pretty, but sure, for day-to-day I like nature a little more natural.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“I'm not saying it beats home, obviously,” he conceded.

“No place like home.”

Sebastian laughed again.

“Now if only I could click my heels when in I'm far away places and magic myself back that would be perfect.”

“Even better than the plane.”

“Even so Liebling,” agreed Seb. “Well, shall we go to the grassy bit and have our picnic?”

“Lead the way darling.”

  
  


The reached the open lawns and pulled out their purchases to share, picking through the various odd and not so odd items of food. They'd chickened out on the unusual Japanese drinks seeing as they had no idea what they really were and simply had bottled water. They had some bought some sushi which they'd had before, but they had a few more adventurous snacks with packaging that amused Seb so much he kept much of it and put it back in the bag rather than throwing it away.

Seeing as it was so much warmer than back home they took their time over their late lunch, then afterwards they lay out on the grass. There were other people about, but not all that many mid-week when most locals were at work or school and it was low season for tourists. Nobody seemed to pay them any notice. Seb lay into Mark's side, resting as he so often did with his head just below Mark's shoulder. They didn't speak too much, just gazing up to the sky above, watching the odd cloud whisp by. It was mid-afternoon before they sat up and were just thinking about making a move when Seb's phone began to ring.

He pulled it out expecting it to most likely be Jess arranging things for the following night, but as he looked at the screen Sebastian's eyebrows went up. The adoption agency telephone number was saved under one name.

“Mark it's Rachel.”

“Huh?”

“ _Rachel_.”

Mark shifted closer as Sebastian put the phone to speaker as quickly as he could.

“Rachel, hello,” greeted Seb.

“Hi Seb. Is Mark there?”

“Yeah he's here. I've got you on speaker.”

“Hi Rachel,” greeted Mark.

“Hi Mark.”

“Oh Rachel I should call you back,” realised Seb. “We're in Tokyo. This must be costing a fortune.”

“It's alright. I knew you were there. I just wanted to catch you and then we can speak when you're back. I thought you'd want to know you'd been approved to foster.”

“Oh wow, ha, oh my goodness, that was fast,” smiled Sebastian.

“Well there wasn't much to quibble over really,” she noted. “Anyway I thought you deserved to know as soon as possible.”

“Thank you Rachel, that's very thoughtful of you,” thanked Mark.

“No problem. Well I'd better keep it short. We can talk when you're home, but it's a good thing.”

“Of course it is.”

“Just in terms of maximising your options.”

“Sure.”

“No that's great Rachel,” added in Seb. “Thank you.”

“Okay well I'm glad I caught you. I hope you're having a nice time.”

“We are, thank you.”

Mark frowned.

“Rachel what time is it with you?”

“Um, half seven.”

“a.m?”

“Yes.”

“Oh my god. What hours do you work?”

Rachel laughed.

“You don't want to know. This came through late yesterday, but it was the middle of your night so I thought I'd better wait until a more reasonable hour.”

“Wow, well thank you.”

“We appreciate your dedication,” added Seb.

“Thanks. I do get the odd bit of time back now and then. Anyway. Have fun in Tokyo. I'm glad to be able to give you some nice news and we can sort out a chat when you're back, yeah?”

“Yeah absolutely. Thank you.”

“Thanks Rachel. Leave early tonight,” recommended Mark.

“Ha, I'll try. See you soon.”

“Bye, thanks again.”

Sebastian hung up and let out a breath as he looked to Mark.

“Wow.”

“I'll say. Seven thirty? That woman works too hard.”

Sebastian batted at Mark's arm.

“ _Mark._ I meant us being approved.”

Mark smiled and leaned in to give him a hug.

“It's great darling. Of course it is.”

As they lifted apart Sebastian frowned at him slightly.

“You don't seem very surprised,” he noted.

Mark shrugged.

“Well I'm not to be honest. If they've approved us to adopt I can't see a reason they wouldn't have approved us to foster. It's not even general fostering, just a stepping stone to adopting.”

“Mm I guess. I suppose it makes sense.”

“Just another step forwards sweetheart. A good one.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian took in a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah you're right. I guess I didn't want to assume anything.”

“No, well fair enough.”

 

Mark looked at the time.

“We'd better get on,” he noted, thinking how the park closed fairly early. “Give us a look at that map.”

They sat looking at it and Mark pointed to an area shaded darker green.

“You fancy having a walk over that side, go through the woods and then out the other gate?” he proposed.

“Sure. What about the train?”

Mark tapped a little symbol marked on the map beyond the park limits.

“Different station over that way, we can make our way back.”

“Okay.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Trust me not to get us lost?”

“Absolutely Liebling.”

Mark started getting up and offered out a hand to Seb.

“Come on then, let's have a shuftie.”

  
  


 

With the nice weather and their good news Sebastian felt as though their little holiday could hardly be going any better. As they emerged from the underground station closest to their hotel he beamed at Mark and took his hand. Mark merely smiled and hung onto him as they fought their way through the crowds of people going every which way. It was rush hour with many workers heading home and as they crossed a road Mark held Seb's hand even tighter, not wanting them to get separated.

They made it back safely to the hotel and headed up to their room, the idea being that they would freshen up and have a little rest before going out for a meal later. As they let themselves in Sebastian dumped down the bag and stretched out a little. It had been packed on the underground and he felt hot and sticky.

“I think I could do with a shower,” announced Seb.

“Righto.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Does that mean you're joining me?”

Mark stepped into him and flicked his eyebrows up.

“That _does_ sound a good idea.”

Seb smiled and pulled off his t-shirt.

 

By the time the reached the bathroom they had lost all their clothes and Mark grinned to see Seb wearing nothing but a smile as he reached in to turn the shower on. As he turned back around Sebastian had picked up a small towel from the rack and held it around his waist.

“What do you think Liebling?” he teased.

Mark laughed and shook his head. He stepped in closer, looking into Seb's bright eyes as he slid his hand down Sebastian's side, all the way to the top of the little white towel. Sebastian smiled and Mark was distracted by those nice round cheeks for a second until his hand snuck beneath the edge of the towel and explored lower and around to find rather a different cheek. Sebastian giggled and Mark grasped a hold of his left buttock making Seb bite his lip. Mark grinned and leaned his face down into Seb's.

“I think you should drop the towel darling.”

Sebastian looked back into his eyes and smiled as he let go of it.

“Better?”

Mark looked down and nodded, then smiled and took his hand to lead him into the shower.

  
  


They made half an effort to actually wash, but seeing as they were doing it for each other that wasn't their main focus. Mark smoothed suds over Sebastian's skin, their eyes locked and chests already beginning to move more heavily. Seb pushed up on his toes to kiss Mark, putting his arms around his neck, but the floor in here wasn't well gripped and as he lifted up and put his weight into the balls of his feet they skidded a little, and Mark had to rapidly put his hands on Seb's waist to steady him.

“Oops.”

Mark huffed a laugh, then lost himself in how it felt to have Seb pressed in, their chests moving together. They looked into one another's eyes then began to kiss passionately, forgetting all about the shower. Their minds were only on each other now and Mark gasped as Sebastian let go one arm from around his neck to slip it between them, reaching to stroke his cock.

“Oh god.”

Mark closed his eyes as he felt Seb's hand on him, sending the bloody rushing there. His heart was pounding and as he reopened his eyes to see the smile on Seb's face the only thing Mark could think about was how he wanted him. Now preferably. Mark loosened his hold on Sebastian's waist to slide it over his hip, smoothing back to place both hands on his arse so he could pull him closer. God he wanted to touch him, wanted to feel all of him, wanted to be inside him. _Fuck_. He kissed Sebastian again and Seb tried to hitch himself up, but his foot slipped again and Mark was back to hanging onto him. Damn. It was just too slippy in here.

He took a calming breath and with another kiss Mark let got of Seb for a moment to swap so he stood behind him, sliding his hands over Seb's stomach and kissing at his neck. Sebastian let his chin drop and closed his eyes as Mark worked away at the pulse-point there. His heart was beating so fast and he could feel how hard Mark was as he pressed into his back. Seb instinctively moved his hips backwards and Mark let out a helpless groan.

“Oh Jesus Seb.”

Sebastian turned his head and tried to kiss at Mark's mouth, pushing up on tiptoe as Mark held onto his hip. Mark kissed back, working his way along Seb's jaw towards his ear and then down his neck again. Sebastian moved back into him again and Mark tried to keep him held higher, wanting to rub into him, to press his cock between Sebastian's arse and take him, take him right here. Mark dropped his face into Seb's shoulder, mouthing at the skin there and hardly noticed how Sebastian had to put a hand out to brace against the tiled wall of the shower.

“Can you just, can you just lift up a bit more?” tried Mark breathily, inwardly cursing the height difference between them. Most times it was something he rather liked, but in this situation Seb was just a little too low down for it to work as he would like.

Sebastian tried, but he felt unstable. He did his best to raise up a little higher on his toes as Mark held him in, one hand on his hip-bone, the other wrapped around his waist to keep him up. Mark ground into him and Seb kept one hand against the wall whilst sending the other to guide Mark's right hand from his hip inwards, Mark knowing what he needed. He stroked over his cock until the synapses in Seb's brain started firing, his nerves all on edge. He let out a little gasp as his knees started to go weak.

“Oh fuck, Mark, I can't... I can't.”

Sebastian head had dropped lower and his arm no longer braced the wall as his elbow bent. Mark found himself holding almost all of Seb's weight, feeling how his body had gone weak and he knew this wouldn't do.

“It's okay,” he soothed.

Mark moved to hold Seb around his middle and his chest, keeping him in as Sebastian lowered down to stand on his feet properly. Mark mouth was by his ear and Sebastian could feel how heavily he was breathing. Seb took a moment to recover himself, then took in a deep breath and turned around, Mark loosening his hold a little to allow him to move to face him.

“Sorry,” apologised Seb.

Mark shook his head, then put his hand at the side of Sebastian's face and kissed him more softly.

“It's fine. It's fine sweetheart.”

 

Sebastian let out a breath, then took another deep one to feel more settled before reaching to switch the shower off and taking Mark's hand to step out. Mark didn't let go of that hand. He could see another apology forming on Seb's lips and shook his head to head it off.

“Bed?” he proposed.

Sebastian let out a huff of air and smiled as he nodded. He grabbed one of the bath towels and thought how to pick things up again, a very literal method foremost in his mind.

“You wanna give me a lift?” Sebastian suggested.

Mark let out a laugh, knowing they'd been letting things get a little too intense there.

“Yeah. Come here.”

He pulled Seb in, gave him a kiss and as Sebastian's arms were around his neck Mark simply put one hand under his legs, sweeping him off his feet, Mark's arm's supporting him at the back and under his knees. Sebastian burst out laughing, hanging on as Mark wasted no time exiting the bathroom and covering the short distance to their bed to place Sebastian down as best he could without just dropping him. Sebastian lay back, his body quivering with laughter that they had actually just done that. Mark shook his head and took the towel Seb had clung onto to spread it out on the bed seeing as they were both still wet. He pulled Seb into him so they lay on it and shook his head at him still laughing.

“Was it that funny?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Oh god, I thought you were going to put me over your shoulder Liebling, not sweep me away like a blushing bride.”

“Didn't you like it?”

Seb pushed up a little to lean over him, his smile wide.

“I feel quite swept off my feet Liebling,” he assured, then pressed in to kiss him.

Mark put his hand around Sebastian's shoulder-blades to pull him in so they could deepen the kiss, then rolled him to lie on his back. He held himself over Sebastian and was captivated by how intensely Seb looked back at him. As Mark leaned his body into Seb's to kiss him again, Seb moved his legs apart, raising his right foot to place it on the back of Mark's calf, dragging the arch of his foot upwards over his slick skin.

“Liebling.”

Mark lifted up from the kiss, his expression already a little dazed.

“Hm?”

Sebastian grinned at him and smoothed his foot higher over his calf, up to the bend of his knee so the inside of his thigh rubbed over the side of Mark's leg all the way up to his hip. He looked into Mark's eyes and tried to press up into him to give him a less than subtle hint, the position already more than enough. He let out a little laugh at the gone look in Mark's eyes.

“For godsake hurry up. I need you.”

Seb raised his head a little to speak directly into Mark's ear.

“I need you inside me, _right now._ ”

Mark was sure his brain short-circuited slightly at hearing that. His closed his eyes a second then looked back to a smiling Seb now lying back on the bed expectantly.

“Fuck yes,” grinned Mark, giving him a quick kiss before rapidly reaching into the drawer for the bottle of lube stashed there.

  
  


They never did get out to dinner that night.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


On the Wednesday evening they met Jenson and Jessica at the restaurant Jess had chosen for them. Mark wondered what kind of pull she had here to get them a table by the window with the most spectacular view across the city. They were all the way up on the fiftieth floor so you could see for miles; Buildings and lights and the maze of streets far below.

“Wow,” breathed Seb as they were shown over by the maître 'd to meet their friends.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“I'll say. Hi guys.”

The other two had risen from their seats to greet them, Jenson giving both a hug and Jess kissing them on each cheek.

“Jess you look even better than the view in that dress,” complimented Mark.

Jessica merely smiled and said thank you while Jenson shook his head.

“You old smoothie,” he teased. “Good job I don't need to be jealous.”

Mark his arm half around Seb at the time and he simply sent him a little wink to make him smile as he replied.

“You really don't. No offence Jess.”

“None taken,” she smiled.

“You look lovely,” added Seb.

“Thanks and you both look very smart.”

“Ah well we thought we'd make an effort for you,” smiled Mark.

They were wearing suits with smart shirts. They hadn't gone as far as wearing ties though Sebastian had worried slightly before they left their hotel room and insisted they both put one rolled up in their jacket pockets, just in case the restaurant had a dress-code.

“Not making an effort for me?” asked Jenson as they all sat down, each couple together around the square table, set diagonally as they all were across the large room.

The other two were too busy taking in the view of the city from the huge floor-to-ceiling windows and Jess gave him a shake of her head, telling him not to tease them. Jenson ordered a bottle of wine and as they waited for their food Seb and Mark politely sipped it, each sending the other a little smile that they definitely weren't getting drunk tonight. Jenson saw the smiles and shook his head.

“So, what have you two been up to out here? Anything exciting?”

“Oh this and that,” answered Mark vaguely.

“We've been playing tourists,” added Seb.

“Doesn't that just mean you _are_ tourists?” teased Jenson.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I guess. Anyway it's been nice. We've just been having a nice relaxing time and doing it right.”

“Doing what right?” enquired Jess.

“Tokyo. Or really us having a little holiday together here. Last time we were here we were really in such a rush.”

“Okay.” Jenson shook his head, wanting to take the opportunity to get to the bottom of this. “You've mentioned this before. When were you here?”

“Jenson, they don't have to tell you,” chided Jess.

“Hey I'm just nosy. Guys if you want to tell me to stick my nose out, fine.”

Mark and Sebastian looked to one another for a moment before Mark shrugged.

“Two years ago.”

“You were here as a couple?”

“Sort of,” Mark allowed.

“Not exactly,” countered Seb. “Although we kind of were.”

“Hard to say really,” agreed Mark. “There are some pretty blurry lines there.”

“Very blurry,” Seb added.

The pair of them laughed while Jenson sighed and shook his head at his wife.

 

“Okay now I'm even less clear than I was before.”

“But you were here together?” joined in Jess, unable to stop her own curiosity now.

“Yeah,” confirmed Mark.

“And this would be the occasion when you were putting Seb over your shoulder no less?” asked Jenson.

The pair of them laughed again and both shook their heads.

“No that was just a joke really,” explained Sebastian.

“Oh right.”

Jenson sat back, feeling mildly disappointed for some strange reason.

“Few too many drinks were had,” Mark added. “Like Seb said, this time we're doing it right.”

“The drinks?”

Mark smiled at Jenson, but he caught the corner of Seb's eye, both knowing that wasn't actually what Mark had meant.

“Sure. Yeah we're not going to want hangovers tomorrow, that's for certain.”

“Oh well we can just have a couple can't we? Do you like the wine?”

“Very nice mate. Just don't be offended if we don't have too much of it.”

“Where have you been while you're here then?” asked Jess.

“Nowhere as fancy as this,” smiled Seb.

“Ah well this was Jessy's call,” stated Jenson. “I'm in charge of the next bit. Good call there Seb. I know a fun little karaoke bar we can go to after this.”

“Cool.”

“Were you out last night?” asked Jess.

“Oh um, no.”

“We just stayed in,” completed Mark.

“Saving your energies for tonight,” suggested Jenson.

Mark and Sebastian looked to one another both thinking how the opposite was true, the look in Mark's eyes clearly telling Seb; If you smile, I'll laugh and then we'll never hear the end of it from JB.

“We just had an early night didn't we Liebling?” managed Seb in an airy tone.

“Mm.”

 

Mark drank some water and avoided Jenson's suspicious eyes.

“You've been there before then?” enquired Sebastian.

“Hm?”

Jenson looked back to him, pulled back from wondering what he was missing yet again.

“The karaoke place,” Seb clarified.

“Ah, yeah a couple of times.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Are you a regular there or something?”

“Well I wouldn't go that far.”

“He loves showing off,” smiled Jess.

“Ah now that sounds about right.”

“Hey,” protested Jenson.

Jessica put a hand on his arm.

“He's much better than me. I start singing and all the stray dogs in the area start howling.”

Jenson chuckled and Jess shook her head as she looked to the other two.

“That was his cue to say 'they don't', but you'll notice Jense actually shutting up for once.”

Jenson smiled at her.

“You have many fine qualities.”

“Just singing isn't one of them?” pressed Jessica.

Jenson looked back to the other two with a smile.

“This steak is good isn't it?”

Jessica rolled her eyes while the others laughed and they went back to eating their meal and chatting about the weekend coming.

 

“It'll be so nice to have company,” commented Seb.

“Likewise. Oh and speaking of having extra people around,” prompted Jess.

Sebastian looked to Mark and they both glanced at the other tables. They were well spread out here and many of the occupants of the restaurant weren't speaking in English.

“Um, yeah.” Seb leaned in a little more, still keeping his voice measured. “So we had a bit of good news yesterday.”

“Oh?”

Mark huffed a laugh at how expectant the other two suddenly looked.

“Not quite that exciting yet,” he qualified.

“No we just heard that we'd been approved to foster,” explained Seb. “It means when they do find a baby they can come straight to us.”

“Oh right. Well that's good then,” replied Jess.

Jenson frowned.

“Why wouldn't they go straight to you anyway?”

Mark shook his head.

“Honestly mate the whole system is so bloody complicated you wouldn't believe.”

“Oh I see.”

“Yeah. Anyway, it's a good thing.”

“Of course it is,” assured Jess. “Well congratulations. I do hope they find you a baby soon.”

“So do we.”

Jessica gave Sebastian a smile, but Jenson ploughed on.

“We were wondering what you're gonna do,” he began. “Like with the bambino. You're not just gonna stick it in a baby-seat in the back of the car are you?”

Mark shook his head.

“No mate, we tried running that one past the adoption agency and surprisingly enough they were a bit funny about it.”

“Are you just going to get a nanny?” asked Jess more seriously.

“Oh no we don't want that,” replied Seb.

“Nope,” agreed Mark. “If they're our kid, they're our kid. We're not gonna farm them out. Kind of defeats the object.”

Jenson frowned.

“What are you going to do then? Even between you there's bound to be clashes aren't there? We know what the calendar's like.”

“Don't we just,” agreed Mark dourly.

 

He looked to Seb who gave him a fractional shrug telling him he could say if he liked. Mark puffed a breath.

“Okay, so this is strictly confidential.”

“Course mate.”

“No really. Big time. Same as the rest, you can't drop even a hint about it. Especially not with anyone in the team.”

“I won't.” Jenson shook his head. “I note you're not saying this to Jess.”

“Well that's cos I know Jess isn't a paddock gossip-monger.”

“I am not a gossip-monger.”

Mark raised an eyebrow and Jenson huffed.

“Fine. But not about this.”

“Alright mate, yeah, just so we're clear.”

“We're clear.”

Mark glanced to Seb again, then dove in.

“So the plan is I'll take a year out.”

Both Jess and Jenson stared at him.

“What?” gaped Jenson.

Mark nodded.

“Year out. Be on full-time daddy duties.”

Jessica smiled, thinking she'd never heard anything so cute, but Jenson shook his head.

“You're winding me up.”

“I'm not.”

Sebastian looked over at him.

“Why shouldn't he take a year out? We're entitled to paternity leave if we adopt just the same as any parents.”

“Of course you are,” assured Jess.

Jenson pushed out a long breath, his eyebrows still stapled near his hairline.

“Blimey. You're going to give up racing?”

“Well I won't be retiring mate. It'd be a year off that's all. Give the kid the time they need.”

“What about Seb?”

“Well I'd be helping, obviously.”

“Of course he will. Yeah we'd be in it together, it's just I'd be the one taking time out.”

“Wow. Well knock me over with a feather mate, I would not have called that.”

“No well...” Mark shrugged.

“So would you be travelling with Seb?” enquired Jess.

“That's the idea.”

“We might have to see though,” qualified Seb. “Depending which races, where I'm going and how things are and, well... we don't really know if or when this is going to happen, so we can't really make any proper plans yet.”

“It will though,” assured Mark automatically putting a hand on Seb's.

“Course it will,” Jess confirmed. “It sounds like you're all set.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark looked to Seb and gave him a reassuring smile. All set apart from that tiny detail of actually finding a baby that was to be theirs.

Jenson took a swig of water and puffed a long breath as he looked to Mark, trying to picture him with a baby. Even having seen him with his niece in the summer it didn't quite work in Jenson's head, but then he wasn't the one it needed to work for.

“Well mate I wish you luck, both of you. Hand on heart I won't breathe a word.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes thanks,” added Seb. “I mean hopefully at some point we'll be at the stage where we can tell people, but not until we're really there.”

“When you have the baby?” asked Jess.

“Well yeah, or at least it's sorted out.”

“Of course. Well it's nobody's business but yours is it?”

“I reckon you should keep schtum and then just turn up with the sproglet in the paddock,” proposed Jenson. “The press would probably be so shocked they wouldn't know what to do with themselves.”

Sebastian looked to Mark. He suspected the media would know exactly what to do. They weren't going to allow that to happen.

“We'll take that under advisement,” offered Mark.  
  


  
  


  
  


A couple of hours later Mark and Jenson sat in a booth at the karaoke bar, watching on as Jess and Seb shared a microphone on the low stage about thirty feet away, belting out an attempt at Prince's 'Purple Rain' or certainly something that had started out as that song.

Jenson shook his head.

“Dear lord.”

Mark laughed and shrugged.

“Ah well mate, you were no better.”

“Guess not. So then mate you're gonna be playing baby-daddy for a while?”

Mark gave him a look.

“I'm pretty sure that's not anything like a description for what I'll be doing Jense, but yes.”

Jenson nodded.

“Okay.”

“Okay, what?”

Jenson shrugged.

“Just a bit surprised that's all.”

“Why?”

“Dunno. Really it's great if that's what you want.”

“It is.”

“Okay well then, good luck to you.”

“You think I can't do it?” challenged Mark.

“No I'm sure you can do whatever you set your mind to mate, honestly, I'm just a little surprised at you wanting to take time away from racing, that's all.”

“I want to come back. That's why I need to be careful to handle it right.”

“Sure. Well, like I said, I'm not gonna screw things up for you.”

“Thanks.”

Jenson just nodded and raised his bottle of beer, offering it over for Mark to clink his bottle against it as if sealing the deal. Jenson resolved that he really wasn't going to spill this secret, even if it would fair knock the socks off any other bit of gossip his cycling mates had. The best bit of gossip really since he'd known about Seb and Mark being together in the first place, but then he'd managed holding that one in. At least he could look smug when it did go public and he'd be able to tell them he'd known all along again. DC would be steaming jealous he'd missed yet another scoop. Jenson smiled at his friend and drank some of that beer. A year off racing to go full-time babysitting. Nope, Jenson just didn't think he could ever do that. He knew in his heart of hearts that he was just too selfish to give up racing for his family like that and yet Mark said it as if it was simply obvious that was what he should do. Mark kept on surprising him.

 

The song finished and the other pair came over, still laughing as they sat themselves back in either side of Mark and Jenson.

“What did you think Liebling?” asked Seb.

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek as Seb shuffled in next to him.

“Very enthusiastic darling.”

Sebastian laughed and had a drink of his beer.

“Thanks. I put us down for one.”

“Oh god. Did you? What?”

Seb smiled happily and leaned in closer.

“ _'It's Oh So Quiet'_ by Bjork.”

Mark turned his head to him, looking horrified at the prospect of having to sing a song that to the best of his memory involved a slightly crazy lady alternately whispering and screaming the lines and making strange noises.

“You're kidding me?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Nah don't worry, I put us down for _'Livin On A Prayer'._ Anyone can do that, right?”

Mark laughed as he pushed out a relieved breath.

“Guess I'll give it a whirl if you're holding my hand.”

“Excellent.” Seb grinned and whispered in Mark's ear. “It's Jenson we put down for Bjork.”

Mark laughed again and sat back, fitting his arm around Sebastian beside him. Seeing Jenson making a fool of himself really _would_ be funny. Seb looked past him to Jess who gave him a conspiratorial smile. Poor Jenson sat in the middle, drinking his Japanese beer blissfully unaware of his fate.

  
  


 

  
  


Shortly before midnight Mark and Sebastian walked back into the lobby of their hotel. Mark had his arm around Seb, Seb's arm slipped around Mark's waist. In contrast to two years ago, they had only had a couple of drinks and were merely holding onto one another because they enjoyed it. As they stepped into the lift Sebastian did start giggling though, but that was because he was thinking of Jenson's face as his name was called and he had no choice but to go up onto the stage to sing possibly the least karaoke-able of songs, his companions applauding and laughing. Jenson had picked up the microphone and narrowed his eyes at the lot of them, then, faced with no alternative, rocked it out until the whole bar was cheering his efforts. By the time he came to sit back down Jenson was looking thoroughly pleased with himself and Jessica was complaining how he was going to be gloating about it for weeks.

 

“It was fun wasn't it?” smiled Mark.

“Yeah. Oh god, honestly Liebling, when Jense started whispering at the start of his song I thought he'd got stage-fright and then...”

Sebastian laughed again and shook his head as he thought about how their friend had just gone all out and bellowed down the microphone.

“I don't think Jenson has ever had stage-fright in his life sweetheart. He's not a man lacking in self-confidence,” noted Mark.

“No. Ah well. Good job I guess.”

“Absolutely.”

Sebastian leaned a little more into Mark.

“You're alright with me going with Jess tomorrow?”

“Course. Yeah why not? Jense and I can go do all the media bobbins at the track and you guys can catch up.”

“I just thought it would be interesting to go with her and see what she does.”

Mark nodded. It had been Jessica's suggestion and Mark wasn't so sure it would be all that exciting to hang out at a photo-shoot, but it was something different, so why not do something other than wait around on him?

“I'll just be a bit rubbish it's Jenson I'll have to cuddle up to on the flight,” complained Mark with a sad face.

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at him as Mark chuckled.

“You'd better not.”

Mark laughed again and gave Seb a squeeze.

“It's alright darling. I might cuddle Jense but I'd be thinking of you.”

“That's _not_ better!”

“Ah, hah, guess not.”

“Urgh, so not funny,” complained Seb, trying not to smile as Mark pulled him in closer, putting his face next to Seb's just to tease him more.

“I'm pretty funny.”

“Not even a tiny bit,” countered Sebastian.

“Not even when I'm singing?”

“Ah, okay, yeah you're funny then.”

“Why thank you darling.”

  
  


They exited the lift and walked to their room. Sebastian sent Mark a sneaky smile.

“Shall I hide the key in my pocket so you have to find it?”

Mark shook his head.

“I do _not_ get off on delving into your pockets.”

Sebastian laughed and took the key out from the jacket pocket that he, like Mark, was now carrying over his arm, so he could open the door. They paused and Mark smiled and raised an eyebrow.

“So if we're doing things right this time?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You'll do your back.”

“Ha, thanks.”

“Well don't blame me when you have to explain why you can't drive to Andreas.”

“Fine.”

Mark ducked down a little and took hold of Seb's hand as he allowed himself to be put over Mark's shoulder, lifted up and carried across the threshold to be deposited onto the bed a moment later, giggling helplessly.

 

Mark took Seb's jacket and put it with his own over on the side, then dropped down by him on the bed with a puff and Sebastian paused laughing, reaching out to stroke a hand down Mark's arm.

“Still in one piece Liebling?”

Mark smiled and moved to lean over him, appreciating the sight of Seb like this, all happy and relaxed, cheeks round with smiling and his blue eyes alight.

“All still in working order.”

“I'm very pleased to hear that.”

“Mm.”

Mark lowered down to kiss him, then lifted back up so he could start unbuttoning Seb's shirt.

“Although perhaps we should just make sure?”

Sebastian smiled up at him and raised his hands to begin similarly undoing the buttons on Mark's shirt.

“I think that's an excellent idea Liebling.”

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


The following day Sebastian sat to the side out of the way while Jessica stood in a ridiculous pair of high-heels, moving this way, then that, with a couple of other models. Seb presumed it was at the beck and call of the photographer, though seeing as he spoke no Japanese he didn't actually know what was being said.

No one was paying him any attention, but then Sebastian guessed that there wasn't the hugest of cross-overs between F1 and the modelling world and Jess had joked that she had told them he was her assistant so maybe they really believed that seeing as he had ended up holding her coffee. As he watched on now Seb couldn't tell what difference it made what angle she stood at as they fussed endlessly over it, but then he wasn't a photographer and no doubt Jess had similar thoughts about the marginal changes to brake differential that they discussed in garages. It was kind of interesting to see what went on, though really all Seb had done was watch as Jess had her make-up applied, then lurk in a corridor while she changed. As he watched her now Seb had to admit she hadn't changed into an awful lot. Mostly it seemed to be whisps of silk and not much else, but then Sebastian was no fashion expert.

It occurred to him that Mark had made a joke of him being jealous of him with JB, but he hadn't even mentioned this and Seb hadn't thought of it either despite how little Jess was wearing with him looking on. He did like Jess, and he could appreciate that she was attractive, but she just didn't actually _attract_ him at all. Not like that. It just wasn't there. She could dance around in her skimpies and his pulse-rate remained entirely unaffected, whereas all Mark had to do was send him one of those smiles and undo a top button and Seb's pulse rocketed.

 

Sebastian was still smiling to himself as Jessica came to sit on the director's chair beside him.

“You look amused at something,” she noted.

“Oh um, not really, just my daft head.”

“I hope you're not getting bored.”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“No it's fine.”

“They're doing a re-set so we could be a while.”

“Oh okay.”

Jessica smiled and leaned in.

“It's okay. I know it is a bit dull.”

They had stopped and started all afternoon, taking forever to get what Sebastian guessed was just a few shots for an advert.

“Is it always like this?” asked Seb.

“No, some days it's really slow.”

They both laughed and Jess shrugged.

“This would be why I'm used to waiting around when I'm at races.”

“It's fine,” Seb assured her.

“My guess is another hour or so, then we can head back, pick up my bags from teensy apartment and get going.”

“Sure.”

 

Someone shouted over in rapid Japanese and Jess gave him a flick of her eyebrows.

“Back to the grindstone.”

Seb nodded. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he saw a message from his brother.

FABIAN: How's it going in Japan?

SEB: Good. Mark's gone on to Fuji. I'm catching him up later.

FABIAN: Why?

SEB: Hanging out with Jess at a photo-shoot.

FABIAN: A modelling shoot?

Sebastian chuckled to himself thinking that might get the attention of his seventeen year old brother.

SEB: Yeah. There's a bunch of models basically standing around in their underwear and flimsy bits of material. It's pretty boring to be honest.

FABIAN: Your life is wasted on you.

Sebastian laughed again, then another message popped up.

FABIAN: Send me a picture.

Seb grinned, took a photograph and pressed send.

 

In his bedroom in Heppenheim Fabian opened the message to see the picture, then sighed. It was a selfie of his brother smiling and waving like an idiot. Fabian shook his head. His older brother was hanging out with models in Japan and totally not appreciating it, while he had to go to school. Life severely sucked sometimes.

  
  


  
  


Seeing as Jessica's photo-shoot was wrapped up by three and her apartment really was so small it made where she and Jenson lived in Monaco appear spacious, they didn't waste any time getting to the plane and making the short journey to where they were staying for the weekend near the Fuji track. Mark had sent Seb a message saying he wasn't likely to get done until at least six pm so Sebastian decided he might as well head there to meet him, Jess taking his lead and going along as well. So by the time Mark and Jenson walked into Porsche hospitality it was to find the pair of them sat drinking coffee, waiting on them just as they always did.

“And like magic here you are,” smiled Jenson.

“Their plane makes it pretty easy,” Jess agreed giving him a kiss on the cheek as she stood.

They both glanced over to see Seb giving Mark a hug as though they hadn't seen one another in a week. Jenson shook his head while Jess smiled.

“It's been like _eight_ hours,” commented Jenson dryly.

Mark just grinned and kept his arm around Sebastian.

“I know mate. Eight whole hours. Terrible.”

Sebastian smiled happily at him and stayed pressed into Mark's side.

  
  


 

When they got back to their hotel room Jenson looked to Jess.

“I swear to god sometimes those two do stuff just to wind me up.”

“What stuff?” frowned Jess.

“All the lovey-dovey, can't keep my hands off you, secret smiles stuff. All that.”

Jessica stepped in and put a hand on his arm as she gave him a smile.

“You know what really should worry you?”

“What?”

“I don't think they do at all.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a RL incident that happened to me. Can you guess which bit? Tragically it is not being in a shower with a horny Mark ;)


	178. Seasons Passing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm playing a little fast and loose with the timeline at the moment, but we've story to get to...

 

* * *

 

 

By the start of November Mark and Sebastian were starting to feel tired. Rushing around the world was easier when you had your own, or rather a hired, plane to do it in and you could safely curl up together, comfortable and away from prying eyes, but even so it still took it's toll. Usually all they managed on the Mondays was to transfer being curled up on the plane to being curled up in bed before emerging, bodies and brains confused at the time differences in need of food despite the fact they weren't entirely sure what meal it felt it should be.

The dogs were half the reason they came home from half-way around the world even when it might only be for two days before they had to go away again. Shadow and Simba kept them grounded and reminded them that home really was home, not just a bed. Hotels had beds, but that wasn't the same. Not the same as your own bedroom and your own bathroom and your own kitchen and your own sofa in the lounge. Not the same at all, no matter now spacious or luxurious or clean. Pauline, bless her heart, kept their home not just clean in their absence, but a home ready to step back into; well-aired with cared for dogs and fresh bread and milk that she insisted on buying despite the fact Mark told her they could order online to be delivered. In truth he liked that she cared so much.

The dogs somehow never seemed to resent too much that they were abandoned so regularly by their adored masters. Instead they fussed excitedly the moment they got in, pushing into Mark and Seb's legs and fussing for strokes and affection which they returned in spades. Usually they were lucky to get their baggage into the hall before being pounced on. Mark and Sebastian would give them a rub and no matter how tired they were they would take them into the kitchen to give them fresh food and drink and another mutual fuss over until Mark laughed and called them daft creatures, his voice just as affectionate as Seb's as he stroked over their ears in the way they loved.

Then he would give Seb a kiss on the cheek, get up to stick the kettle on to make them tea that they drank from mismatched mugs sat together at the kitchen table while the dogs continued to nuzzle at their legs until all four of them settled down into being home and Seb and Mark made their way upstairs whilst the dogs slunk back to their baskets to wait until later when they might get a walk out in the sharper late Autumn air along lanes and footpaths so familiar they were home almost as much as the house was.

 

 

After another of these Mondays when Mark and Seb had spent the day reuniting after being parted to go to respectively Shanghai and Mexico. The FIA calendar taunting them by sending them about as far apart as it could, but now they were due to address the other reason that brought them back home in-between races. Both of them were determined to continue their efforts to progress with adopting, whether that was the parenting classes or meetings with Rachel, fitted in even if they took up part of the only entirely free day they had. Thankfully this day; the Tuesday on the first of November, actually wasn't one of a hurried couple of days stolen at home, but an actual honest-to-god ten day break before they had to go out to Brazil for Seb's race there.

The weather was grim as they crossed the car-park towards the unprepossessing Council block and Sebastian pressed into Mark's side as they both sheltered under the umbrella from the incessant rain that had been falling since before they both got home, Mark in the middle of the night, Seb not until morning. As they reached the reception area Mark stood shaking off the brolly out of the door while Sebastian waited just inside, running a hand through his hair, feeling as he usually did, that he ought to be a little smarter to see Rachel even though she tended to dress fairly casually herself; fond as she seemed to be of wearing long cardigans that swathed comfortably around her, paired with trousers that stayed the right side of smart-casual to be sufficient for the office.

 

As she greeted them upstairs Seb noted the dark blonde hair swirled up into a loose bun, a few escaping strands pushed behind her ears as she went to shake their hands and ushered them in. After this many meetings with her Seb thought he recognised that hair up usually meant business, as if she needed to rid herself of distractions as she thought carefully and made plans. He wondered if she knew she did it, if that along with the non-threatening clothes were part of her conscious efforts to make people feel she was on their side. She was chatting to them about how their latest race weekends had gone and their next parenting class and Seb found himself zoning out a little as he looked at the pictures stuck on the walls. He wondered about the kids who had drawn them and where they were now. He hoped they were okay and that everything had worked out for them and their families.

“We're really looking forward to it aren't we sweetheart?”

“Hm?”

Sebastian looked back, first to Mark, then Rachel.

“Sorry?”

Mark gave a slight shake of his head.

“The class tonight on baby feeding, making up bottles, weaning, all that.”

“Oh, yes absolutely. Sorry Rachel. My brain's still a bit zonked from time differences.”

Rachel gave a little shake of her head.

“It's fine. I really appreciate you coming in. What time would it be in Mexico now then?”

Seb puffed a breath and looked at his watch.

"Half past ten in the morning here, so...”

“Half four,” stated Mark, having spent too much time working out the times this past weekend.

“In the morning or afternoon?”

“Morning,” stated Seb.

“Oh gosh,” smiled Rachel sympathetically. “That has to be rough, bouncing around times like that.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“You kinda get used to it, but, well not really.”

Rachel nodded. She had no idea how they did it. They never said no to a meeting unless they really couldn't do it and they did look rather tired, both of them.

“You know, you can say, if you come home from a race and you're knackered. I won't be offended if you occasionally need to delay a meeting just so you can catch up on yourselves.”

“Oh no we wouldn't do that.”

“We couldn't stand you up like that Rachel,” smiled Mark.

Rachel let out a little laugh at the phrase.

“Well I would hope you would let me know, but if you did ring or email we could re-arrange if need be. It's not like I don't have plenty of things to fill the time.”

She patted at the pile of manilla files on her desk. Everything was kept on the computer system of course, but the hard copy system never seemed to go away for all the Council's emails about saving paper.

“No we're fine,” assured Seb, “and we are looking forward to that class tonight. We really like the practical ones. I mean the others are fine, but we like those best.”

“Okay, well just bear it in mind if you do ever want to put a meeting back. I won't be offended or consider you slacking in anyway.”

 

Mark smiled at her. At their last catch-up Rachel had let slip that one of the parenting class teachers had fed back about Seb's note-taking and though of course Mark hadn't alluded to Seb's additional reasons for wanting to write things down, he had been a little glad to be seen as a conscientious couple, even if Seb was doing all the work there.

“Okay, well thanks, but we're good.”

“Nice to know we have a while off,” noted Mark.

Rachel nodded.

“Good, good. Well...”

She paused as she looked at them, wondering if this was the right call.

“Okay well bearing that in mind, I was thinking about a case that has come my way.”

 

Mark and Sebastian visibly sat up at that, wondering precisely what she meant.

“Oh?” responded Mark vaguely.

“Yes, um, so it's very early stages really, but I wondered if I could talk to you about what at the moment I'm not sure I can call a potential match.”

Mark puffed a breath and took Seb's hand. He looked in his eyes and then nodded for both of them.

“So, what is the situation then? A baby needing adopting?”

“Not yet, and I'm not sure if it will be, as for the moment it's not a baby that has been born yet.”

“Oh right.”

“Mm, so it's a case were we are talking to a young couple, very young really, who have come to us to discuss the possibility that they may wish to give their child up for adoption.”

Sebastian let out a slow breath, not wanting to look too keen. It seemed wrong to be happy at the idea that a child should be given away by its parents, but his heart did pick up a little.

“So they're not sure?” he asked.

Rachel tipped her head a little side-to-side.

“The thing is... Okay, let's just talk in abstracts for a minute rather than speculating about this particular case. So when a mother and indeed both parents come to us in the early stages and even later on in pregnancy, there are a huge number of things that can change: the circumstances of them or their families, emotions, hormones, you name it. Anyway, as you know from past discussions, no parent has to effectively voluntarily sign away their child before they are born. They can make arrangements, but there is always a cooling off period after the child is born, for everyone's sake.”

Sebastian and Mark nodded. It wasn't all that hard to imagine someone, particularly a young mother, panicking at finding themselves pregnant and then coming around to believing they might cope after all, especially as they became more attached, seeing a baby grow, and then holding it in their arms, changing their mind.

“I can see how that would be,” agreed Seb.

“Sure,” chimed Mark.

“Good, okay. Well this is one of those cases, early stages, exploratory talks, but the couple have asked if they could meet some of the potential adopters.”

“So they can see where their child might go?” guessed Seb.

“Something like that, yes. At the moment they have said they are firm in their intentions, but at the same time they do want to have a say in who would adopt their child, which is their right.”

“Okay, so they want to meet us?” Mark asked.

“Ah, well as yet I haven't mentioned any names. I did think of you, but I have got a meeting with them this afternoon actually and I was considering perhaps having some more discussions with them about meeting some potential adoptive parents.”

 

Her hand had moved unconsciously back to the top of the files and Mark wondered if that was the file in question.

“Can we ask about them?”

“Um, well, I think it best we stay away from too many specifics, as indeed I would on my first chats with them about you.”

“Fine.”

“Okay, well, just broadly,” she assented.

 

Rachel did indeed pick up the top file and opened it to refresh her memory before closing it again, Mark and Sebastian being careful not to lean forwards to peek a look, even though they were curious.

“Right, well they are a young couple as I said, both still in school.”

Oh god, thought Sebastian in his head. Young did mean young. Kids.

“Both of them in the upper sixth,” continued Rachel, then remembering that they hadn't gone to school in this country, amended the details, “that's final year of senior school. The mother is seventeen, the father just eighteen, and they are both due to go to university after, hence part of the reason they came to us.”

“So they still want to do that?” presumed Sebastian.

“That's what they've said, which of course is entirely understandable, we don't judge.”

“Of course not, no.”

She gave him a little smile and nodded.

“So, hence the reason they have discussed this with their families who believe them to be too young for a baby. Now of course, particularly with them being young we have a duty to offer all the support we can to potentially help them take the alternate path.”

“You mean keeping the baby?” asked Mark.

“Yes.”

“Okay, well that's fair enough isn't it?”

“Absolutely,” agreed Seb, “but they do want to talk to us?”

“Well so far I've only discussed non-specific adopters, but yes, they are keen to see how things might be. I think I can say that they are very keen to be sure that if they do give their child up they can be certain it goes to a good home.”

“I'm sure any parent would,” offered Mark.

“Mm,” responded Rachel non-committally, thinking how she wished that really was true. The lack of care some parents showed to their children still retained the power to shock her, even after years of dealing with cases. “As I say, it's not our place to judge, but yes, they are concerned to see what future their child would have.”

 

Sebastian nodded, then asked what was on his mind.

“Rachel, um, so they meet us and then they can say yes or no if they like us?”

“Well essentially yes, though if the meeting is positive, then it would only be the first of many meetings, not an instant decision.”

“Course, but they can say?”

“Yes. So this is where we get into the matching. We look at what their wishes are and your wishes. So in this case they are keen that it be a married couple who have umm...”

“Means?” offered Mark.

Rachel smiled.

“Well I wouldn't quite put it that way, but let's say a secure home to provide a good future for their child.”

Mark glanced at Seb and nodded.

“Well that's reasonable.”

“Of course,” agreed Sebastian.

“Mm, well anyway we do take their wishes into account, but it's still just initial conversations to see if both sides are interested in meeting.”

“Okay, well yeah I guess,” accepted Mark.

“Can we ask how far along they are?” Seb enquired, “like I mean, when the baby is due.”

Rachel nodded. This was all anonymous so far anyway.

“Four and a half months. We have actually been talking to them for a few weeks now and so, yes we're looking at late March.”

Mark was busy calculating. March wasn't bad as timing, just before the start of the season, so a full year was pretty doable, maybe a few meetings in at the start of the following season for when he came back, that would surely be okay. Oh god, he was getting ahead of himself.

“Do they know if it's a boy or a girl?” enquired Sebastian.

“Not yet. They've had the first scan and as far as can be seen at that stage all was well, but it's not always possible to determine sex that early.”

Sebastian nodded, thinking back to his baby books. He always ended up reading all the pregnancy chapters despite the fact that strictly speaking they didn't apply to them. They would apply to their child though so Seb thought he ought to know their background so to speak.

“You did say you would be happy with a boy or girl,” noted Rachel.

“Oh no we are. I just wondered,” Seb assured her.

“Okay, well other than that... I'm trying to think what I can tell you. They are both white, both healthy, no apparent issues with the pregnancy thus far. They come from a fairly average background, been together a little under a year as a couple and, well perhaps you might think it goes without saying, but the pregnancy was unplanned.”

 

Mark almost huffed a laugh at that, thinking surely that was obvious, but then he supposed it was actually possible that someone could plan a pregnancy and then have circumstances rapidly change and find their future altered. Seventeen, eighteen was still kids. They were doubtless going through a hell of a lot more than he and Seb were in this scenario.

He puffed a breath.

“Okay, so if we say we'd be happy to meet them what happens next?” he enquired.

“I would talk to them, see if they are ready to meet a potential family for their child.”

“Would you tell them about us?” asked Sebastian.

“Yes. At first I would do the same as I have here, describe you in non-specific terms to get an idea if they feel comfortable moving forwards, then see if both sides agree to a meeting.”

 

Sebastian squeezed Mark's hand. Even in abstract it felt odd to be put before people and offered up for judgement as to whether they could be good parents, but if it was him, if he had been a kid somehow in another universe in their situation, wouldn't he want to be sure his child went to a good family? Of course he would, he'd want the best. Would they think he and Mark fitted that description?

They looked to one another and read each other's eyes, both giving nods that were barely perceptible to Rachel sat only a couple of feet away.

“Yeah, okay, if you could speak to them about us,” Seb decided.

“Okay, yes I'll do that.”

“Then what?”

“Then I see what they say, if it's a yes, then we see when you want to meet.”

“Would you be there?”

“Yes. We'd do it here and I'd sit in. It would just be a light touch initial meeting, just to get a feel for things.”

“See if it feels right?” asked Seb.

“Basically, yes.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and Mark rubbed over his hand with his thumb, then a thought occurred to him.

“Oh Rachel, you said it's abstract, so no names.”

“Not at this stage.”

“Right but if we meet, obviously...”

“Protocol is that we just use first names in the early stages to protect confidentiality.”

Mark let out a tiny laugh.

“Slight issue with that.”

 

She looked at him, then it clicked. Rachel had spent so much time with them over the past year that whilst she appreciated that they were well-known, they really had just become Seb and Mark, not famous racing drivers.

“Ah. Okay, well if we reach that stage we'll just have to deal with it.”

“How?”

“I'll just have to talk to them, make sure that they understand how important confidentiality is to this whole process.”

“They might not know us,” tried Seb. “Not everyone is interested in racing.”

“Possibly not,” agreed Rachel, “but Mark is right, you do have a higher profile. Look, don't worry about that. We're not there yet. If and when we are, I will discuss the issue with them or any other parents you might similarly meet and make sure that they are aware of their responsibilities too. Once in the system everyone has to sign data-protection agreements. We all have to respect each other's privacy in this process, all sides.”

“Okay.”

Seb looked to Mark. There was no point panicking about this issue when it was still just theory. At some point they were likely to have to confront it one way or another.

“Alright, well I'll see how I get on and then get in touch if that's okay?” Rachel offered.

“Of course.”

“Thanks Rachel,” added Mark. “As we said we're home for a while. We had thought about going away this weekend.”

“We can cancel that if we need to,” interceded Sebastian. “This is more important.”

Rachel gave him a smile.

“I don't think we need to worry too much about rushing anything.”

“Yes but we're away from mid-week next week and then we're back and forth again.”

“Okay, alright well leave it with me?”

“Sure. Okay.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and looked to Mark who gave him a little nod. They just had to wait and see. They ought to be used to that by now.

 

 

 

They were just sorting out an early dinner later on the same day when Rachel rang up, telling them that she had spoken to the young couple and they were actually very keen to meet them.

“I did say I would have to talk to you, so I don't know if you want to have a think, perhaps get back to me before you go away next week, though of course if you need longer, that's fine,” she offered.

“Um, right.”

Mark looked to Seb who mouthed something.

“Sorry Rach, could you give us a second?” asked Mark.

“Oh, um, of course.”

“Just one moment.”

Mark put the phone set in front of them on the kitchen counter on mute. He raised his eyebrows.

“What do you think?”

“Mark we should just meet them. Don't you think?” asserted Seb. “I mean why wait? It's only an initial meeting.”

Mark puffed a long breath.

“Yeah I guess. Mm, yeah.”

“If we wait till next week we could be left waiting until December just to get a time when we're all free,” argued Sebastian.

Mark nodded slowly. It would get complicated. Perhaps they should just try to make the most of this window? He pressed the button on the phone to speak again.

“Rachel we were thinking that seeing as we'll be away again would it maybe be possible to do it while we're home? I don't know how free they might be?”

“If you're sure?”

“Yeah. Best to get on with things, see where it goes right?”

“Okay, Seb?”

“Yeah, that's what we both want. Can you ask if they could meet before we go away next Wednesday? I know it's soon.”

“Okay. I'll see if I can reach them both. Might take a while as they both live separately with their parents.”

“Sure.”

 

She hung up and Sebastian and Mark went back to trying to make their meal, each distractedly looking back to the phone left out on the counter until fifteen minutes later it rang again and Mark snatched it up to answer and put back on speaker.

“Hi Rachel.”

“Hi, are you both there?”

“Yes we're here,” added in Seb.

“Okay, well I managed to get hold of them and actually I don't know if this is doable, but is Thursday this week too soon?”

Sebastian looked to Mark and getting an encouraging nod, answered.

“No that's fine. What time?”

“Well it would have to be after school. Can we say 4pm and I'll firm things up?”

“That's okay, we can do any time can't we?”

“Yeah. So it'd be at your office?” checked Mark.

“Yes. Initial meetings are always on neutral ground.”

“Sure.”

“Okay well I'll confirm time, but I think around late afternoon Thursday.”

“That's fine.”

“And I should remind you that this is just a very initial meeting on all sides, no commitments, no promises.”

“Sure. We understand.”

“Alright well I'll be in touch to make sure we're all set.”

 

They hung up and Mark turned to Sebastian, letting out a long puff of air. Seb didn't know what to say, so Mark just gave his arm a rub.

“Place to start, right?” suggested Mark.

“Yeah. Okay, alright well, okay... No pinning hopes on it.”

“Exactly.”

Mark stepped in closer and gave Sebastian a hug, placing his cheek by Seb's temple. _No_ getting their hopes up.

 

After getting another call moving the meeting up just a little to half past four on Thursday they sat down to dinner before heading out to their evening parenting class. Sebastian felt distracted, wondering how they were going to get on, but then when they started showing them how to make a bottle, he refocussed himself, despite the fact he had helped do the task in real life for his niece. If, just if, something came of this meeting, then they were going to need to know all this. He listened as the woman ran through the steps and precautions for getting the temperature right, one eye on her, another on the notes he was rapidly scribbling down. Mark glanced down at what Seb was doing and wanted to put his arm around him. No getting their hopes up. Yeah right.

This was all built on hopes. Hopes that could grow like balloons, growing bigger and simultaneously more fragile with every puff of air. They had to be careful, so careful.

 

 

 

 

Arriving at Rachel's office once again, they waited outside for her to come and meet them. As she stepped out she put the door to and they realised that the couple were already in the room. That made sense, no doubt they would be nervous and needed a little preparatory chat.

“Thank you for coming,” smiled Rachel.

“Of course.”

“Now,” she spoke quietly, not wanting to be overheard. “You are the first potential adopters they've met, so none of us really know how this is going to go.”

“Okay.”

“Oh and as Beth is seventeen obviously we asked about her mother coming along, but she didn't want that, so officially I am here for her. She might be somewhat nervous, both of them really.”

Sebastian nodded, bit his lip a little, feeling nervous too.

“I wouldn't expect this to be a long meeting,” continued Rachel, “just a first introduction really, no pressure.”

“Okay.”

“Rachel you explained who we were?” checked Mark, thinking of the second conversation they had had after confirming the time.

“Yes. I thought in the end it was best as you said.”

Mark nodded. He and Seb had decided that the meeting might be rather thrown off course if they walked in and the parents spent the whole time staring at them, either trying to place where they knew them from, or reeling from the realisation that they did.

“Sure.”

“I have been over with them again about the vital importance of maintaining confidentiality and they have assured me that they understand and have no intention of sharing the details of today's meeting.”

Mark nodded and puffed a breath. They just had to roll with it. He'd phoned his sister yesterday feeling a little anxious about that aspect, but Leanne had been on the nose as usual when she said he was just going to have to suck it up and decide what was his priority: finding a baby, or keeping it a secret. There was no choice really.

 

“Okay, thanks for that.”

Rachel took a step closer and spoke even more quietly.

“Look, they're bright kids, a bit mixed up right now, but old enough to grasp the importance of all this.”

“Sure.”

“It's okay Rachel,” assured Seb.

“Okay, well do you want to come in?”

 

 

Mark took Seb's hand and they walked into the room. The two already in there stood as the door opened and they noticed that extra chairs had been arranged in the space for the meeting, a low coffee table borrowed from somewhere and set in the centre. The two couples stared at one another, neither speaking for a moment as an awkward pause hung in the air.

A pregnant pause.

Sebastian couldn't help staring at the girl's middle, looking for a tell-tale bump, but she was wearing a baggy knitted jumper and he got the impression that she spent a fair amount of effort deliberately trying to _not_ appear pregnant. Seeing as they were still at school he could hardly blame her. He wondered if they had managed to keep it secret so far. If so, surely not for much longer. Seb thought he couldn't imagine what that would be like. The whole of your peers staring just as he was doing, speculating, judging, gossiping. Damn. He _did_ know what that felt like.

Sebastian smiled and offered out his hand.

“I'm Seb, this is Mark.”

Mark offered his hand too and as the young couple seemed to be struggling for words Rachel spoke for them.

“And this is Beth and James.”

“Um, hi,” greeted the girl.

The boy just nodded and they sat down the chairs arranged in the area in front of Rachel's desk in a little circle, though it felt as though it was one couple on one side, one on the other with Rachel between. The teenage couple were thankfully not in their school uniforms, if indeed they still wore them at whichever school they attended, and Mark was oddly glad of it. They did look young. Mark thought they could at least pass for students rather than school kids though. They were dressed in casual-wear, jeans and shirt for the boy, the girl in leggings and jumper. No doubt Rachel had given them the same message she had to Seb and Mark not to dress up, to keep things low-key and hopefully a little more relaxed. He tried offering over the same smile Seb was and the girl offered a self-conscious smile back, but the boy's gaze was lower and it took a moment for Mark to realise that he was staring at their hands, his and Seb's hands, still linked.

It felt as though that stare burned into their hands like a laser and Mark hadn't felt more judged than he had in quite some time now that the paddock had grown used to seeing them together as a couple. It was new for this boy however and he really was just a boy, less than half Mark's age. Maybe he'd never actually met a gay couple before? Mark was damned if he was letting go of Seb's hand though. This was the deal. This was who they were and the whole point of this meeting was to show that.

 

“Okay so, as I said to you all earlier, this is just a first meeting, just a hello really and then we can all get our breath and see where we go from here. No pressure,” began Rachel. “Nobody has to talk about anything they don't want to, no pressure to make any decisions or think beyond today.”

There was an array of nods and Rachel paused to pour out some water from a glass jug on the coffee table, putting a cup out for each of them so it was there and they didn't need to ask. Seb recognised the trick from all those sit-down interviews he did where Britta recommended it to give thinking time; a prop for when things got tricky. All of this was tricky.

“Okay, so perhaps we might start with you Mark and Seb. Are you okay just saying a little bit first?”

“Sure,” nodded Mark, thinking the onus really was on them.

He looked to Seb, then gave one of his smiles designed to relax corporate guests at team events. He met strangers all the time, put them at ease, made them feel welcome. He could do this. Mark caught the boy's eye and he lifted his gaze a little guiltily. Mark determined not to judge in return, even if _he_ was. He was just a kid.

“Okay, so yeah I'm Mark, and this is my husband Seb and um, well we'd really like a family, which I guess you'd have worked out already seeing as we're here.”

Mark let out a huff of air that was almost a laugh and realised he was nervous too.

“Um, so we live not so far from here, out in the countryside and um, it's nice, a nice area for a kid I think, we think, and we have a house obviously, well perhaps not obviously, but we do, and it's all set up to be child-friendly, so I guess that's a good thing. We have two dogs, but they're great with kids, very friendly, big softies the pair of them, so, yeah.”

“We think we could offer a really good home to a child,” joined Seb, “we really want a family, a baby.”

His eyes involuntarily went to the girl's stomach again and Sebastian forced himself to _stop_ doing that, knowing she was bound to want anything but that when the baggy jumper screamed; _'please don't notice there's anything to see here'._ She was slim, or at least would be if she wasn't buried in her clothing, or was before this anyway. Her long dark hair sat over her shoulder, almost blending into the navy coloured knit. She was pale-skinned, with dark blue eyes. Eyes Seb caught and tried not to hold for too long, hands placed too casually together on her lap as if she took care not to place them any higher, not letting them anywhere near what must be something of a bump under that jumper.

“I don't know if Rachel mentioned, but we're cleared to foster too,” Seb explained. “So I don't know if that helps, but we are committed. We've been doing lots of parenting classes, but we have nieces and a nephew too, so um that's good, hopefully.”

Rachel had waited until he finished to nod.

“I did mention about you being cleared to foster-to-adopt, so yes as you say Seb, that's a positive.”

She gave the other two an encouraging smile.

“Do you want to say a little something?”

 

The outer impression given was that the boy was the more confident of the two from the way he sat, shoulders back, more comfortable in his own skin, though Mark had no doubt he had the easier ride in this situation, but it was the girl that spoke first.

“Well I'm Beth. It's short for Elizabeth, but it's always been Beth.”

Sebastian gave her a nod.

“Seb is short for Sebastian but it's Seb to my friends and family. Too long, right?”

The girl nodded back.

“Yeah. Okay so we're doing our A-levels. I want to do English at uni if I still go. I want to go. Mum says, well, I've been predicted good grades, so...”

She shrugged and looked to Rachel.

“I don't know what to say.”

Rachel smiled at her and gently placed a hand on hers seeing as she sat beside her.

“Just say whatever you want to Beth, anything you're comfortable with. Maybe something about you or what you like perhaps?”

The girl took a deep breath.

“I used to play hockey a lot. I was in the team at school, but, yeah...” She looked down then back up at them. “I was pretty good. I even tried out for the county side last term and then...”

She sighed and looked sideways at the boy. No more hockey. Seb wondered how long it had taken them to realise she was pregnant, how long it had taken them to tell their families. God Seb knew about keeping secrets. Seventeen. Hell he'd made so many mistakes he'd had to hide at seventeen. The consequences hadn't always been so immediate, but they'd affected his future nonetheless, nearly destroyed it in the long run. These kids deserved to have a good future despite making mistakes.

 

There was a pause before the boy seemed to realise it was now down to him. He ran a hand through shortish mid-brown hair that was already largely sticking upwards before speaking, sitting up a little more, sticking his chin out a fraction. Mark thought he recognised it as posturing, but then he was an eighteen year old boy dumped in the deep end, no wonder if he was still trying to prove he was perhaps more confident than he really was. It was what teenage boys did, all front usually; shoulders back, chin up, legs set a little apart.

“Um, yeah just the same, you know, we're at school together. I want to do Geology and my mum wants to kill me.”

Mark gave him a small smile for attempting a joke, but Seb was looking at the girl thinking she didn't seem amused. No jokes for her, no hockey with her friends, no getting away from this situation after school to go home to a disapproving mother but free once up in your room, no chance to really walk away and forget about things, even for a bit. Poor bloody kid. Sebastian suspected her mother wanted to do more than kill the boy.

Mark was looking at the girl now too, the mention of their mothers made Mark wonder how old her parents were. He was old enough to be her father and Mark wondered how he would feel if he was. If he had a daughter Mark realised he wouldn't be smiling at the boy joking that his mother wanted to kill him because he'd got the girl pregnant, he'd be looking for a place to bury the body already.

The boy must have caught the look of disapproval, either from them or his girlfriend and sighed a little.

“We were going out, we didn't just... you know.”

“James you don't have to justify anything,” assured Rachel.

“End of AS exams,” stated the girl bluntly, “last June. No coincidence, right?”

The boy shot her a look that seemed defensive and Seb and Mark were struck with the impression he had had to do a lot of defending himself lately. The girl sighed and shrugged again.

“We got good results, we both did. I do want to go to uni. I don't just want to stay home and I don't even know what I'd end up like if I did that. Mum says she'd help but I don't want that. I want to go to uni. It's all planned. It's all been planned for ages. I want to go to Durham. I should get in I think. I just need to pass my exams in the summer.”

She swallowed as she realised what the summer meant; the passage of months.

“I'd applied already before I realised. September. I thought I was being organised. I didn't realise...” she trailed off, her face tight.

 

Seb wanted to hug her and he got the impression Rachel felt the same as she rubbed her hand again. Mark was still holding his hand, but the boy wasn't holding the girl's. Then again he was barely older than Fabian, surely struggling with all this too. They were both far too young for this.

“You don't need to get into that,” Rachel reminded them. “Why don't you tell us a little bit more about your background, Seb, Mark, if you're comfortable with that?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark. He gave Seb a smile and then turned it out to the other two. “So, Seb and I met through work and we've known each other a long time. How many years is it now sweetheart?”

“Um, I think we first met properly ten years ago, then we started working together a couple of years after that.”

“Right,” agreed Mark, keeping his tone deliberately light when there was a heavy air in the room, “so about five years of working together and then we've pretty much been together since then. After I left the team that is.”

The was a flicker across the boy's expression and Mark was sure he knew more about them. The girl didn't seem to care, not about that at any rate. Mark suspected she had bigger things to worry about than motor-racing headlines.

“So we moved in together, got married, and yeah, that's the short version,” Mark finished.

“And we want a family,” added in Seb.

“Yeah. Well we _are_ a family, but we'd like to add a child into the mix. We're kind of all set really, child-locks on the cupboards and everything.”

 

The girl looked at him at that and Mark wondered why that detail chimed with her. It had to show they genuinely cared, surely? It was hard to not sound like they were saying; 'so just give us your baby now please'.

“I've told them you have a nice house,” assured Rachel, “suitable for a child, room to grow.”

“We have a big garden,” Seb added. “It'd be nice to play in. We thought we could get swings and stuff. There's plenty of space.”

He considered saying more, telling them how they had a swimming pool and a room set aside as a nursery that they'd emptied out now, all ready to be decorated and filled with the things a child needed; a cot, a changing table, bookshelves, toys... Right now there was only the rocking chair by the window, sat empty and waiting.

“It's nice,” he finished, not wanting to boast, not wanting to make it sound as if they had the perfect life when for these kids' life was far from perfect right now.

Mark stroked his thumb over Seb's hand again and smiled at him, then caught the boy staring at it again. He wanted to say something, but he merely caught his eye and he looked away, back to Rachel.

“Are we supposed to say what we want?” asked the boy.

“You can say whatever you want to.”

“Okay. We want, like a nice family, a nice place, a home with a proper family.”

Mark wanted to remind him that they _were_ a proper family, but he held his tongue and merely nodded, trying to impart in the gesture the same thing. The boy looked to the girl as if saying he thought he'd said the right thing and she just nodded confirmation.

 

As the room fell silent for a moment, everyone wondering what to say. Mark puffed a little breath.

“Do you want to ask us anything?”

The boy and girl looked to one another, then the girl spoke.

“Are you going to stay here?”

Sebastian frowned, then he realised what she meant.

“In England? Yes we've no plans to move.”

“But like, you're from...”

She paused, trying to remember, she vaguely knew the names before Rachel had given them more details and the older one was Australian, that was obvious from his accent, but Seb she wasn't so sure of. German, Austrian, Swedish maybe? He had really good English, but there was an accent there. She couldn't remember what they had been told now. Neither of them were British which was a bit weird.

“I'm German,” clarified Seb, “and Mark's Aussie, but we've both got leave to stay here permanently. We have residential status and we've no plans to go anywhere else. This is our home now.”

“Oh okay.”

Sebastian wondered why that bothered her, but perhaps even if you were considering giving up your child it would be a comfort to know they weren't so very far away? Somewhere familiar, somewhere like the home you knew growing up.

“You go abroad a lot though,” noted the boy.

“Yeah we travel for work and to see our families, but this is home.”

Mark considered telling them that he was going to take a year out and that he planned to travel with Seb, taking the baby with them, but perhaps that was a bit much yet. Plus they were trusting them with a lot of private information here. If they chose to go and spill all on Twitter when they left, revealing their plans for adoption would be dramatic enough without adding his plans for taking leave.

 

The girl let out a long sigh and looked to Rachel.

“I just don't know. I don't know about anything any more.”

She sounded stressed and Rachel gave her a nod.

“Alright, that's fine. Don't worry, we're just having a chat here.”

The girl's face was tense and Rachel realised she was saying more than just that she didn't know what to say. She gave her a nod and then looked to Seb and Mark.

“Okay so I think maybe unless there's anything you needed to ask, or wanted to say?”

 

Sebastian and Mark glanced to one another. Seb wanted to ask the girl if she was okay and tell her they were nice people and would take care of her baby, but it wasn't appropriate, she was upset, no wonder really. The best thing they could do to show them they were decent people was to behave like it.

“No that's fine, right Liebling?”

“Right. So, okay yeah we're good. Maybe we should get on, let you have some space?”

“I think that would be a good idea,” agreed Rachel.

“Okay.”

Mark nodded and they both nodded at the other two even though they weren't getting a lot of eye contact right now.

“Thanks for your time,” offered Mark.

“Thanks,” Seb chimed, with an extra nod to Rachel.

They picked up their coats from the back of their chairs and only then did Mark realise he'd held onto Seb the whole time they were here. He put that hand on Seb's shoulder-blade as they stood, the gesture so normal to them both that he wouldn't have noticed he'd even done it but for the fact that the boy seemed to clock it right away and Mark wanted to shake his head and ask him if he had a problem. That wasn't fair though, he had plenty of problems, as did the girl who was now staring at the floor, only raising her eyes as the both said goodbye to say a quiet 'thanks'.

 

Stepping outside they paused to pull their coats on and Rachel came out, pulling the door closed behind her.

“Is she okay?” asked Sebastian.

Rachel sighed.

“In all honesty no, but then that would be why we're here.”

“Right.”

“Sorry. I think I need to have a good chat with them, then well I guess I'll speak to you.”

“Okay. Did we do okay?”

“You did great. Very reassuring.”

“Oh okay.”

“So what happens now?” asked Mark.

“Well as I said I'll talk to them now, then maybe leave it, let things settle before I have another chat with them and see what they think.”

“Okay. And you'll contact us?”

“Of course.”

“Do you have any kind of idea when? I don't want to put pressure on you, but just with us going away next week.”

“Not with a decision,” intervened Seb, “just something, like maybe any kind of idea maybe?”

“I will contact you before you go away and let you know how things stand,” promised Rachel. “Tuesday at the latest if that's okay?”

“That's fine,” confirmed Mark.

“Thank you. It may only be with a 'they're still thinking about things',” she warned.

“As long as we know where we're at.”

“Okay. I should get back in there.”

“Sure. Thank you Rachel.”

“Yeah thanks Rachel,” chimed Seb. “And tell them we do appreciate them seeing us. I know that must have been really hard for them.”

Rachel nodded and Sebastian thought the best thing they could do was clear out and give her fewer problems to deal with.

“Bye then.”

“Bye. We'll speak soon.”

“Bye Rachel,” parted Mark.

 

Rachel went back into her office and Mark looked to Seb pushing out a long puff of breath. Mark waited until they were in the lift going down until he spoke again.

“Did you see the way that kid kept clocking us?”

“Hm?”

“The boy. I'm not convinced he was totally fine with it.”

“With what?”

That little furrow formed between Seb's brows and Mark almost wished he hadn't let out what was foremost in his mind, but it was too late now.

“Us. Being together. I dunno. He's just a kid. Perhaps he's not met a gay couple before and he couldn't help staring? I might be being unfair.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian felt an unpleasant weight in his chest and Mark saw the look in his eyes and really wished he'd kept his mouth shut.

“You know what, I might just be being paranoid sweetheart," Mark excused. "I mean teenagers, they're always gonna be a bit awkward and that was the mother of awkward situations.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded.

“I just felt so sorry for them. They're so young.”

“Yeah.”

“Whatever they do they're probably gonna be pretty screwed up by this.”

Mark put his arm around Sebastian.

“Not our fault. All we can do is see if we might be able to offer a home to their kid.”

“No I know. Just, I don't know. It makes me think of me at their age.”

 

Mark nodded. Childhoods ended too soon. Seventeen, eighteen, might not really be children, but they weren't really adults either, not properly. They should be entering into that phase of life with less responsibilities, less worries, less fears. There had been a strange vibe in that room and maybe that was it; Fear. Fear of what was happening and an uncertain future. Whether it was the girl hiding in her own clothes or the boy behind a projected front that wasn't really backed up by much, they were both coping with fears in their own way and though Rachel spoke of them as a couple, there was nothing of the secure closeness between them that he and Seb shared. Their own future was uncertain but Mark didn't think they feared it, worried some, sure, but not afraid.

He rubbed over Sebastian's arm, an automatic comfort as Seb leaned into his side a little more. Then as they stepped out of the lift into the lobby, Mark looked out to see it was dark now even though it was only just on five. As they approached the glass double doors they could see that it was still pouring with rain.

“Oh bollocks.”

Sebastian looked at him in surprise.

“What?”

“I left the damn brolly upstairs.”

“Oh.”

Mark sighed as he looked back to see the lift doors close behind them. He could go back up, awkwardly knock on Rachel's door and interrupt her difficult discussion with an uncomfortable boy and a girl who looked like she might have been in tears the moment they left. Yeah, no way he was going back up there.

“Sorry sweetheart my mind wasn't on it.”

Sebastian shook his head, no more thought of going back up than Mark.

“It's not so far. Doesn't matter Liebling.”

 

They pushed the doors open and paused in the doorway, looking at the route to their car across the tarmac lit by a few perimeter lights. It was belting down out there. Mark took a deep breath and offered out his hand to Seb.

“Run?”

Sebastian gave him a little smile and nodded before taking that hand, the pair of them sprinting into the dark, wet night together, both knowing that whatever came of this meeting, they were the lucky pair.

 

 

* * *

 


	179. Safe Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of family time

 

* * *

 

 

 

The following day they filled with normal home activities. Thankfully the weather had finally dried up, though it was still grey and cold. Knowing that sitting around staring at the phone waiting for Rachel to ring would do them no good, they went for their run and took the dogs out, filling their lungs and their brains with plenty of fresh air, even if it did have more of a bite to it now it was November.

As they sat down to lunch in the kitchen Sebastian pulled his phone out from his pocket to check it and caught Mark giving him a look.

“Sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“Hey it's your phone sweetheart but I'm presuming you've not got it on silent?”

“No.”

“So the odds are you'd probably hear it ringing in your pocket, right?”

Sebastian sighed.

“Okay. I know.”

Mark shook his head.

“Darling I would have thought she's going to give them time to think. A day isn't much.”

“No I know.” Sebastian puffed out a long breath. “I do know. It's just... Yeah okay, a day is unrealistic isn't it?”

“It's a lot to think about for them, even just agreeing to see us again. I'm sure it must feel overwhelming and I'd imagine the last thing Rachel wants to do is pressure them.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah of course. And it's not a decision you'd want to rush, not even just the next step.”

“No.”

“Okay.”

 

Seb put the phone back into his pocket, though he left the sound on. He took a deep breath and told his brain to accept that he had to wait.

“Sorry Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“I understand. I want to know too, but I'd have thought after the weekend was most likely.”

Sebastian nodded again.

“You think we're alright going to my folks this weekend still?”

“Of course. Look Rachel can still ring if she needs to can't she?”

“Yeah. Okay. I don't suppose she's likely to suddenly need us in her office,” admitted Seb.

“No I shouldn't think so.”

“Do you think we should send her a reminder we'll be away?”

“Darling we told her already.”

“Okay, am I going a bit crazy with this?”

Mark huffed a little laugh and reached to squeeze his hand.

“Caring isn't going crazy. I want her to ring too.”

“Yeah okay, thanks. I guess Monday is more realistic. We don't want to piss Rachel off by hassling her.”

Mark smiled.

“I think that woman has to have plenty of patience, but sure, we don't need to add to the mountain of things to deal with. She'll call if she has something to tell us and she's promised to call before we go away even if there's nothing.”

“Alright then. Well... yeah okay, I'm just gonna file it.”

Mark frowned and smiled at the same time.

“File it?”

“Yeah like, stick it over there, on the other side of the weekend and know I don't need to deal with it until then and hopefully persuade myself not to worry about it.”

“So much.”

“Yeah alright, not worry about it _so much_ ,” accepted Seb.

 

Mark nodded. Seb was good at compartmentalising. Sometimes Mark found himself fascinated with how Seb's brain worked; not entirely without flaws perhaps, but it had such capacities, such abilities. Thank god the damage from the accident didn't seem to have been permanent, even if Sebastian did worry a little about it.

Mark thought Seb was smarter than him, much more conscious of his own thoughts. Mark didn't filter so much, didn't have to store things in the same way. His brain was like an open-plan office compared to the library Sebastian had. A library with attics and basements that you shouldn't wander into without the greatest of care. Usually they were kept securely locked and rarely ventured into. Sometimes Seb took Mark's hand to go there, other times Sebastian sleepwalked. Even when everything seemed fine he occasionally woke in the night and moved to snuggle closer into Mark, Mark waking just enough to hold him in. Mark liked the way it felt to have Sebastian sleeping into him, but he knew that wasn't the only reason Seb needed to stay so close. If he slept in Mark's arms then Seb was safe even when he wasn't controlling where his subconscious was straying. 'Bad memories' was usually all Sebastian said if he said anything at all when he woke, and if he didn't say more Mark wouldn't push those heavy doors open. They were closed for a reason.

 

Mark gave Seb a little smile and leaned in to kiss his temple.

“I think it'll do us good to see your family this weekend. You know your brother is dying to see you,” he noted.

“Both of us.”

“Sure.”

“I do want to see them too. Stef says she'll come over both days.”

“That's nice of her.”

“Yeah. I thought it would be good to do some more looking after Sofie. I mean even if this comes to nothing it's still good isn't it?”

“Of course it is. Plus you know she's actually your niece and everything.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Yes Liebling I do know that. Sofie's not just practise. I like spending time with her.”

“I know mate, me too. Be good to see how big she's got. What are we up to now?”

“Nearly eight months.”

“Blimey. Time flies. Well there we go. We'll have a nice family weekend.”

“And not worry about stuff until Monday.”

“Well I would aim for not worrying about stuff at all, but yeah we can file that stuff till Monday, right?”

“Right.”

“Good. Okay so we'll have this, sort out an overnight bag to go for tomorrow and then do something nice. You can pick.”

 

Sebastian nodded and glanced out of the window; uninspiring but dry. Outside was good, outside always made Mark happy too.

“Bike ride?” he proposed.

“Sure,” agreed Mark. “We could go to the trail park if you fancied it, get the mountain bikes out?”

Amongst the bike collection in the garage there were more than just the road bikes stored away and an adjusted mountain bike with decent suspension for Seb worked just fine on the occasions they'd tried it. He wasn't as fast as Mark on the downhill sections seeing as Mark had been doing it longer, but it was fun.

Sebastian smiled at him.

“All that rain we've had, it'll be muddy.”

Mark shrugged.

“We could just go on the lanes instead.”

“No I think getting muddy could be fun,” argued Seb.

Mark smiled and huffed a laugh thinking that getting un-muddy together afterwards could also be fun.

“Great. Better eat up then hadn't we?”

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


They didn't set off too early on the Saturday, arriving before lunch to find just Fabian and Seb's parents at the house. Mel was only coming over on the Sunday and Stef had said Jan was working that morning and they would be joining them until later. As soon as they had got through the usual hellos and general catch-up, Heike had gone to make drinks while Seb and Mark excused themselves to deposit their bag in their room upstairs. Once up there Mark nipped to the loo while Sebastian pulled a few things out of their bag to make them feel at home. When Mark came back in Seb was sat on the bed looking pensive.

“Alright?” checked Mark as he sat beside him.

Sebastian glanced towards the only set to door and got up to close it before sitting back down. He saw Mark's frown and paused before speaking.

“I should have said earlier, but I'm thinking more and more we shouldn't tell my mum and dad yet.”

“About Thursday?”

“Yeah. Mum'll just get overexcited and ask so many questions and I just don't think I can deal with that right now.”

“Okay.”

“Is it bad?”

“No darling we're here to relax. Besides we've not much to tell yet.”

“Have you told your family?”

“I told Leanne, only that we were going. I just texted her afterwards that it was really not much more than a basic hello so not much to go on.”

“Mm.”

Mark put a hand on his arm.

“Sweetheart it's fine. You don't have to say.”

“I just don't want her getting her hopes up and then...” Sebastian sighed. “Mark I don't want to have to call her and say it came to nothing.”

Mark nodded.

“Of course.”

“It'll just upset her.”

 

 _And you,_ thought Mark. He didn't want Seb to have to put himself through even more when for all they kept telling themselves it was only a preliminary meeting, it was almost impossible not to want more and wanting led to hoping and hopes dashed could only mean hurt.

“Course. Darling don't worry about it. We can tell them if and when there's anything to tell. We don't need to complicate things.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and pushed it out slowly.

“You don't need to feel guilty about it,” assured Mark. “I've not talked to my parents.”

“Will Leanne tell them?”

Mark gave a shake of his head.

“I said I'll tell them when we at least know if it's going anywhere.”

“Okay.”

“Sweetheart you know we might have to go through lots of those sorts of meetings with no result.”

“I know.” Sebastian closed his eyes for a second, then looked up to Mark. “Liebling I don't think I can do that if I have my mum assuming it's a done deal each time.”

“No. Me neither. It's not just you. We're not going to make this any harder than it is already.”

“I just don't think they really understand how it all works.”

“No, well neither did we before we were into all this. I don't think you can really understand until you're in it yourself. Light touch alright darling? No counting chickens.”

Sebastian gave him a little smile. Chickens, chicks. Like those penguins wanting an egg. He reached up and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Right, shall we go down?”

Sebastian nodded and stood up. The file was staying shut, no feeling guilty about it. This weekend was going to be time off as it needed to be.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian decided to file away worrying about feeling guilty not telling his family along with worrying about what and when they were going to hear back from Rachel as he sat through lunch, telling his family instead all about how things had been going with their races and when his mother enquired whether they were making any progress with adopting he chose to focus on their parenting classes. Mark told them some funny stories about their rookie errors in classes and predictably Fabian found the idea of them using dolls absolutely hilarious, only stopping laughing when his father gave him a hard look and sent him to clear away the plates. Seb went with him and as they stacked them by the sink Fabian turned to him.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to be unkind about that, but it is pretty funny.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah it is. It's okay, but you won't mention it outside the family will you?”

Fabian pulled a face.

“I don't tell anyone about that stuff.”

“Of course not. Sorry. We get a bit paranoid.”

Fabian looked at him.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, just... slow progress. Lots of classes and meetings and stuff, but it all feels a long way off.”

“Right, but doing them's good?”

“Of course. You know we finally got round to telling the first of our friends, JB and Jess, you remember them from the summer?”

“Sure.”

“Yeah anyway so you know Mark would never tell Jenson that story he just told you, so...”

Fabian nodded slowly as he caught on.

“Oh right, yeah well I wouldn't tell anyone. Will Mark be upset I laughed at him?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No it's fine. You're alright, just, yeah, anyway...” he trailed off.

 

Fabian turned on the tap to run hot water so he could stick things in to soak and Sebastian leaned a little into the counter, looking over at his younger brother.

“So how's Ana? You're still seeing her, right?”

Fabian gave him a diffident smile.

“Yeah.”

“Cool. So should I ask?”

“Ask what?”

“I dunno. How's it going? Want any advice from someone with precisely no experience of dating a teenage girl?”

Fabian laughed and shrugged.

“Kind offer, but to be honest we're just, you know, hanging out. It's not like it's super serious.”

Seb nodded and gave his brother a smile. He was reassured to think that he didn't need to worry about anything like what those kids they had met the other day were going through. They were only around the same age as Fabian. God it didn't bear thinking about.

“Well that's good. Just having fun. Sounds better than worrying about anything serious.”

 

Fabian glanced towards the door to be sure their mother wasn't about to walk in.

“So like, I have kissed her a few times, but just that really.”

“Sounds pretty good to me.”

“What, kissing a teenage girl?”

The both laughed and Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Not my scene Fabe.”

“No. Anyway we kind of hang out with all our friends at school which is fine and then, well last night we went to the cinema, so you know, just stuff like that really.”

“Cool, and that was fun?”

“Yeah it was nice.” Fabian paused. “Some of my friends, like male friends that is, they do ask.”

“Ask what?”

“What we've done.”

Sebastian sighed, knowing that his brother didn't mean what film they had gone to see.

“Well I hope you've not told them.”

Fabian shrugged an awkward shoulder.

“I did tell them I'd kissed her. I didn't want them to think I hadn't.”

“Fabe.”

Fabian looked at him.

“What was I supposed to do?”

“You should tell them it's none of their business.”

“Easy for you to say.”

Sebastian opened and closed his mouth again and his brother felt bad for shutting Seb down when he was only trying to give advice.

“Sorry,” apologised Fabian.

“No it's okay. I don't know what it's like for you, but... You like her right, Ana?”

“Yeah course.”

“So what's your priority? Treating her right and maybe seeing where this goes, or amusing your friends?”

“Seb I wasn't making a joke of it,” defended Fabian.

“No alright, but just remember it's not nice to be the subject of gossip.”

“Yeah I know that only too well.”

“Mm, well I'm sorry about that.”

“Not your fault.”

“Kind of is.”

 

Fabian puffed out a breath and shook his head.

“No it's not. Okay, alright fine. I get what you're saying.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah, but...” Fabian shook his head. “What do I do if they ask? I don't want them to think I'm, you know.”

“What?”

“I dunno, a kid, like I've not done anything.”

“Fabian are they actually your friends?”

“Yeah course.”

“Right, so are they really going to think less of you if you just say you're not going to say what's gone on between you?”

Fabian puffed out a long breath.

“Spose.”

 

The door opened and they looked up to see Mark walking in.

“Hello. Your mother wondered if you'd got lost so I said I'd investigate and make coffee at the same time.”

“We were just having a chat,” explained Seb.

“Thought as much. Shall I let you make the coffee then?”

Fabian sighed and shook his head.

“No come in.”

Mark shut the door and filled the kettle, then gave Fabian a smile.

“Alright then Fabe? What are you advising your brother on?”

Fabian huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“Other way round. Okay, so Mark what do you think?”

Fabian spelt out the same thing he had to Sebastian, then looked to Mark who gave Seb a glance before offering his own opinion.

 

“Right, okay well yeah I get your point Fabe, but the way I see it, this is a trust thing. You want your girlfriend to trust you?” Mark asked.

“Course.”

“Then you have no dilemma mate. Your friends aren't going to stop liking you if they're really your friends. You just need to take the high ground. Tell them that stuff is between you and her, then change the subject.”

“Just change the subject?”

“Yep. Breeze past it and with any luck so will they. After a few tries they'll get the message if you hold firm. And if they don't, then bollocks to them mate, they're probably only curious cos they've not got anything going on themselves.”

Fabian laughed and thought he might store that phrase up in his head for future occasions to cheer him on.

“Mark's right,” joined in Seb. “It's like with the media. If I just refuse to talk about something they eventually give up and most of the time they do accept it's a no go subject.”

“Mm, okay.”

“Kids boast Fabe, kids feel the need to prove themselves. Show Ana you're not a kid and I bet you'll be glad you did.”

Fabian nodded and stood a little taller as Mark and Seb made coffee.

“I don't think it would really have gone round as gossip,” he justified, “I mean kissing's not such a big deal is it? She might have told her friends too.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah she might, but confiding isn't the same as gossip. Just be aware, that's all we're saying.”

“And I would leave it there mate,” offered Mark. “You're right, kissing's not such a big deal. I doubt you set the school jungle drums alight with that one, but leave it there and you won't have an issue then.”

“Hm, yeah I guess.”

Mark put a hand on his arm.

“No dramas. Isn't that a better way?”

Fabian coughed a laugh.

“God yeah.”

“Alright then. Anyway Fabe you don't have to listen to us. You can do what you like, it's your life.”

“No I do want to listen. You're right. I did feel a bit bad about it.”

“Well then, stick that 'no comment' in your back pocket and just tell them you and Ana are quite happy thank you very much and that's all you need to leave them jealous as hell.”

Fabian smiled, liking that idea. He could quit worrying what people thought and if Ana knew she could trust him, who knew where that might progress eventually? That was better. His friends could wonder all they liked about what the got up to and make their jokes about the back row of the cinema and he'd just smile and say they were quite happy thank you. She did make him happy. He wasn't going to screw that up to get five minutes of his friends being impressed. They hadn't even seemed all that bothered when he had admitted they'd kissed, so what was the point? No comment and smile. Yeah. He'd just copy his brother in the pen. A knowing smile, that would be even better.

 

Sebastian poured the hot water into the cafetiere as Mark assembled cups. He looked to him and mouthed; 'I just want to tell him'. Mark nodded as Sebastian did the same as his brother had, looking to the door to be sure no one was about to intrude.

“So um, Fabe, if we tell you something, can you promise not to mention it to anyone else?”

“Course.”

“Not anyone; Mum and Dad, Mel and Stef. We're just telling you.”

“Oh. Okay, sure. What's the matter?”

“Nothing. It's fine. Just, okay so we did have a meeting this week, you know for the adoption agency.”

“Right,” agreed Fabian cautiously.

“Mm, so we met with a couple who might be putting their baby up for adoption.”

“Oh wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Really early days though mate,” interceded Mark. “Not much more than hello, so it could come to nothing.”

“Oh I see. Right, well, that's good though?”

“Yeah course it is.”

“Mm, but we, well I, don't want to make a big deal of it.”

“You don't want Mum to start knitting mittens,” suggested Fabian.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Does Mum even knit?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do. Yeah precisely that. Like Mark said. Might amount to nothing. We're probably, well hopefully actually I guess, gonna have plenty of meetings until we're matched.”

“With a baby?”

“Yeah.”

“Right well, okay. I won't say anything.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thanks Fabe,” added Mark.

“I just don't want to make a big deal of it,” repeated Seb.

Fabian gave him a wry smile.

“No dramas.”

“For once it would be nice,” Sebastian agreed.

“Yeah. Well okay, good luck.”

“Thanks.”

“I hope it does turn into something,” offered Fabian.

“Mm.”

His brother shrugged and Fabian noticed that Mark's arm had gone around him. He suspected that perhaps they weren't quite so casual as they sounded about it, but Fabian understood why they were dodging telling their parents. He'd finally got so far as admitting to his mother that he was seeing Ana and she'd acted like they were getting married already. No dramas. God _if only_ in their family.

  
  


  
  


Stefanie arrived not long after they had finished clearing up after lunch, baby on her hip and no sign of her partner. As her mother took the baby while Stef ditched the heavy baby bag on the kitchen floor Heike looked at her.

“Where's Jan?”

Stefanie huffed a breath and with a look to Sebastian that rather hinted she knew this would provoke a reaction she could do without, she explained.

“He's had to go into work.”

“What?” frowned Heike. “I thought the whole point of working from home this morning was to avoid that.”

“It was,” agreed Stef with a sigh. “There's a deadline and a problem cropped up that he really couldn't deal with from home and... Oh god Mum I can't be bothered going into it. He sends his apologies Seb, Mark.”

“It's fine,” assured Seb. “I'm sure he wishes he didn't have to work.”

“Yeah.”

Stef sighed as the baby started fussing and took her back, jigging her up slightly. Heike was looking as though she was about to make a comment about Jan prioritising his family when Norbert spoke up and offered his daughter a coffee.

“Oh, yes please.”

“Does Sofie need a bottle?” asked Heike.

“No she had one before we left. She's fine.”

“You look tired.”

“Thanks.”

Stef sent Seb and Mark a look just short of rolling her eyes, so they stepped in and started paying attention to the baby, telling Stef how much she had grown since they saw them last.

Stefanie smiled.

“She's missing your pool. We took her to the one in town, but I think it was a bit noisy.”

“Did she not like it?” enquired Seb.

“Mm, kindof, but only for a while. It was just a bit busy on a weekend. I did see they did some classes though, mother and baby ones. I thought I might give them a try.”

“Sounds good,” agreed Mark.

Stefanie gave them a smile and as her father offered the cup of coffee, Stef looked to them.

“You want to take her?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian took the baby and they stood while Stef had a sit at the kitchen table, Seb holding the baby while Mark leaned in and pulled some faces to entertain her.

  
  


Stefanie enjoyed a moment's peace with a coffee to restore her. She looked up to see the way Sebastian and Mark were smiling at the baby and wondered if she should ask how things were going. Perhaps best not, Stef knew they would tell her if there was anything and no doubt they'd already got that from Mum. She almost got to drink all her coffee while it was still hot for once when her daughter started bawling properly. Stefanie sighed and got up to take her back.

“Nappy I think,” she pronounced.

“Do you want us to do it?” asked Seb.

Stef laughed.

“You're keen.”

Seb shrugged.

“We've had lessons and everything. We should be better now.”

“Ah yes, well be my guest.”

Stef handed over the baby to her brother and went to pick up the baby bag, but Mark beat her to it.

“Want to come supervise?” he smiled.

“Sure.”

 

The took the baby into the lounge, Fabian trailing after them but sitting well away on the sofa while Stef took the folded travel mat out and dug out all they needed.

“Go on then,” she teased. “Wow me.”

Sebastian looked to Mark and huffed a little laugh, but poor Sofie was wailing unhappily as she lay on the mat and he felt bad for her. Seb stroked her cheek.

“There now Kleiner, soon sort you out.”

Sofie was wearing tiny leggings and a long-sleeved t-shirt over her under-babygro so it took a bit of wrangling to get the lower half of her undressed before they could actually undo her nappy. She managed to get in a good kick of Mark's arm as he attempted to pull the thankfully only wet nappy out of the way.

“Ow.”

Seb looked to him.

“You alright Liebling?”

“Mm, yeah. Blimey, strong little legs on you kiddo.”

He shook his head and as Sebastian succeeded in capturing the waggling legs to lift Sofie up Mark removed the old nappy and folded it up, putting it into the little disposing bag Stef offered him. Stef smiled at the look of concentration on her brother's face as he gave Sofie a quick clean with a wipe and Mark set the fresh nappy under her as Seb lowered her back down and between them they got it done up. Sofie was still fussing, but as it clicked that she was no longer so uncomfortable she quieted enough to allow them to redress her. Once they were done they each puffed a breath and looked to Stef.

“Okay?”

“Looked good to me. Get you with the testing it's all done up right.”

“That's what the midwife said to do,” reported Seb.

“Sure.”

He frowned a little at his sister.

“She said just water and cotton-wool was better than wipes though.”

“Hmm, that's all very well but wait till you start going out and about.”

“Sorry.”

“No it's okay,” allowed Stef. “Just, ah you'll see when you're parents, everybody else knows what's best and they're only too keen to tell you what you're doing wrong.”

“I didn't mean that.”

“I know you didn't. It's okay.”

Stefanie lifted her daughter up and gave her a smile.

“Aren't you lucky to have your uncles so keen to look after you eh? Changing nappies like pros.”

“Um, you can count me out with the nappies thanks,” stated Fabian from the sidelines.

They looked over and Stefanie shook her head, then leaned in to Sofie as if speaking directly to her.

“Onkel Fabe only likes the fun bits Sof, part-time credit for him.”

“Hey I can do other stuff,” protested Fabian, coming to kneel with them on the floor.

“Like?” challenged his elder sister.

“Um, I can watch all the Star Wars films with her and I'll fast-forward all the Jar-Jar Binks stuff so she never needs to suffer through that.”

“Very noble of you Fabe,” commented Mark.

“Mm, though tragically her father is probably going to beat you to it with that,” noted Stef.

“Oh what? Well that's hardly fair,” complained Fabian. “Alright, well... Aha, games, I'll teach Sofie how to play football so she can thrash all the boys at school.”

“Okay,” nodded Stef smiling at the idea of her little girl running about, giving as good as she got with the boys at playtime. “Speaking of which, you've not got football this weekend?”

Fabian shook his head.

“We had practise this morning but no match till next weekend.”

“Ah right.”

“Shame you guys couldn't come then,” noted Fabian to his brother and Mark.

“Yeah mate sorry, we're in Brazil,” reminded Mark.

“Sorry Fabe, another time,” Seb added.

“Oh no that's okay. Just would have been nice.”

Stefanie glanced out of the window.

“It's nice out actually. Don't suppose you guys fancy getting some fresh air? We could take Sofie to the park. I brought the pushchair in the car.”

Mark looked to Seb who gave a little nod.

“Sure. Why not.”

“Great. Fabe can you do me a favour and go tell Mum and Dad, see if they want to come?” requested Stefanie.

 

Fabian nodded and got up to do so. Stefanie shifted the baby into one arm to try to pack the changing things away with one hand rather better than Seb and Mark suspected they would do with two, but they intervened and did it for her. Mark picked up the nappy bag and used wipes.

“Guess I should go find the bin. Excuse me.”

As he left the room Stef smiled at Seb.

“You're doing good then,” she commented.

“Hm?”

“Baby training.”

Seb huffed a laugh at the phrase.

“I guess.”

“And it's going okay?” his sister asked vaguely enough to not pry.

“Yeah I think so.”

“Good, well if you want a chat you know where I am.”

“Thanks.”

“Wanna hold?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian took Sofie back and smiled at her as she batted a podgy hand into his face, making no attempt to dodge it.

“Sorry about before. I wasn't criticising,” he apologised.

Stef shook her head.

“No don't worry. I just... I can get prickly when I'm tired.”

Sebastian looked at her, ducking Sofie's hand this time to concentrate on his sister.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just she was up in the night and, ah I don't know, Mum means well, she's always offering to help which is great, but she can rub me the wrong way sometimes.”

“Especially when you're tired?”

“Exactly.”

Sebastian shook his head at his niece.

“Keeping Mama up, tsk.”

“Mamama,” burbled the baby.

Sebastian gasped and looked to his sister who laughed.

“Yeah.”

“Wow!”

“I know. Ach, ah Seb it is worth it.”

Sebastian smiled back and nodded, then gave his smile to his niece.

“Aren't you a clever girl. Can you say Seb? _Onkel Seb,_ hmm?”

“Amama-ma,” attempted Sofie.

“Ha, not quite.”

Seb gave Sofie a kiss on the cheek.

“We'll have to work on that I think.”

“You'll have to come see us more,” noted Stef.

“Yeah I know. Sorry. This is literally the only time we've had for ages though.”

“I know. I just meant it's nice you're here. I am sorry about Jan.”

“Oh no it's fine.”

“Well it's not really. To be honest I wasn't too impressed either, but I wasn't going to say that to Mum.”

“Mm,” agreed Seb non-committally.

Stefanie gave a shake of her head.

“Anyway, we'll be here for lunch tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

 

The rest of the family came through and after a few minutes of people sorting themselves out, bathroom visits and general faffing, they finally set Sofie in her pushchair and set off down the road en masse. Stef was pushing her daughter along, Seb and Mark beside her. Mark looked in at Sofie all wrapped up in her snow-suit and hat against the cold, the cover pulled over her legs.

“Looking snug there Sof,” he smiled.

“She spoke before,” related Seb.

“Did she indeed?”

Stef laughed.

“We're really only getting attempts at Mama and Papa for now, but yeah.”

“Good stuff,” Mark praised.

Sebastian was hanging onto his arm and gave it a little squeeze. Must, not, think, about, possibilities.

  
  


  
  


Once they got to the park they headed for the little playground. Sofie was still too small for it really but Stef lifted her out of the pushchair and held her to slide her down the last couple of feet of the slide, the family watching on as Sofie gurgled, seeming to enjoy being the centre of attention as well as the slide itself. Heike and Norbert eventually went to sit over on a bench while Fabian decided to show Sofie how the slide really should be done, his siblings both joking that he was really just enjoying playing on it, which may well have been true. As he jumped off a second time his sister nodded.

“Yep, I think she's got the gist of it now Fabe, thanks. You want another go?” she asked Sofie as she held her.

“I can do it,” volunteered Sebastian.

“Um, okay.”

Stefanie handed her daughter over and Sebastian sat the baby half-way up the slide. She was quite old enough to sit up herself these days, but not anywhere more adventurous than her parents' knee or a soft surface.

“You won't let go?” worried Stef suddenly.

“Stef, come on.”

“Sorry.”

“I've got her,” Seb promised.

His sister nodded, knowing that she was being silly. Her brother wasn't going to let Sofie come to any harm. She was fretting. Stef told herself off for stressing and merely rearranged her daughter's little woolly knitted hat before stepping back.

Mark ducked down at the end of the slide and gave Sofie a big smile.

“Right then little'un, let's be having you,” he prompted, holding out his arms to catch her.

Sebastian leaned in to smile at Sofie to make sure she was happy, then slowly slid her down, holding the baby securely one arm around her back, hands holding her either side all the way down into Mark's waiting hands.

“Weee!”

Mark laughed at Seb making the sliding noise and Sofie seemed to agree with him, giggling happily as she was moved down to meet him. As Mark took hold of Sofie he scooped her up, hands under her little arms as he stood, giving her an extra whoosh into the air. Stef worried again for a moment, but even she could see that her brother-in-law's hands were firmly around her daughter, long fingers that almost encompassed her little frame even when she was wrapped up in her little puffy snow-suit. Sofie squealed delightedly and waved her much tinier hands down at Mark's face. He lowered her in and allowed the baby to maul him to her heart's content, pretending to pull faces as Seb stood closer into him and smiled at Sofie too. Stef sighed, knowing her daughter was literally in safe hands. She really hoped they had their own little one to dote on like this soon.

  
  


  
  


  
  


The following day the whole family assembled for a proper Sunday lunch, an apologetic Jan in tow with Stefanie and Sofie this time. Seb and Mark naturally told him not to worry about being unable to come the day before and asked if he had got done all he needed to, listening politely while he explained what he had been working on while Stef allowed her mother to fuss over the baby. After five minutes Heike decided she had better go and check on the meal cooking in the kitchen and handed her granddaughter back, only for Stef to smile and pass a thankfully quiet Sofie on to Seb.

She smiled at Jan.

“You should have seen these two yesterday; nappy changing experts now.”

Jan laughed and nodded.

“Are you indeed?”

“Oh I wouldn't say that,” dismissed Mark. “I think Stef was just impressed we knew which end to put the nappy on without coaching.”

Stefanie tsk'd and shook her head.

“They were very good, weren't they Sofie?”

She smiled at Sofie as their daughter did nothing more than gurgle slightly and dribble a little spit down her chin that Stef set about wiping up.

“I think we are getting a bit better,” allowed Seb.

Fabian huffed a laugh.

“I thought you were gonna high-five each other afterwards,” he teased.

Stef shook her head at him and Mel took revenge on Sebastian's behalf by ruffling Fabian's hair.

“Ah geroff,” complained Fabian.

“Right,” intervened Norbert were sat on the sofa. “Mel why don't you go check how your mother's getting on in the kitchen? Fabian you see who wants what to drink.”

Both selected offspring sighed, but they did as requested and the others sat down on the sofas in the lounge, Stef and Jan more than happy to let Seb and Mark entertain their daughter while they had a rest.

  
  


  
  


It wasn't until later on in the afternoon that Sebastian got a moment alone with his eldest sister. She had gone up to check on Sofie who she had put down for a nap in the travel cot that her parents kept in her old room and seeing as Jan was still trying to get back in Heike's good books by making a round of tea, Seb went up to see if his sister wanted a drink. He found her having a lie down on the bed and though he offered to leave her to it, Stef waved him in as she sat up.

“You okay?” he checked as Seb sat beside her.

“Yeah I just thought I'd steal a mini-nap too.”

“Sofie kept you up again?”

Stef huffed a light laugh.

“Yeah just for the past eight months now nearly.”

“Sorry.”

“No it's okay. She wasn't so bad last night really. You'll see when it's your turn.”

“Hopefully.”

Stef gave him a look.

“You alright?” she checked.

“Yeah good. We're okay, just, y'know, seeing if we can make progress.”

Stef nodded.

“Do you feel like you are?”

“Progressing? Mm, yeah, just I dunno, it's all so open-ended.”

“And that's the tough bit?” guessed Stefanie.

“Mm. I like doing the classes though.”

“The parenting classes?”

“Yeah. I know it might seem silly, but they're good. They make me feel like we're really doing something and if, you know, I mean hopefully when they find us a baby, we'll actually be ready.”

Stef didn't want to put her brother off by saying she didn't really think anyone was truly ready to look after a baby until they were actually looking after a baby, and some days she still didn't feel entirely ready herself. Instead she smiled and nodded.

“They're not silly,” she assured, “It's good and y'know it's a pretty good sign you're enjoying them.”

“It's kind of tough sometimes cramming it all in,” Seb admitted it. “But I'm glad we do.”

“Me too. Well, I'm glad you found time to come here too.”

 

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and looked over to where Sofie was sleeping, stretched out and sleeping on her back, one arm up above her head, another flung sideways. It didn't look the most comfortable position, but she was clearly fast asleep.

“So am I. It's great to get some time with you all.”

Stef saw where he was looking.

“Especially one of us,” she smiled.

Seb looked back to his sister.

“Are we hogging her?”

Stef laughed.

“Are you kidding? God, no Seb it's great you and Mark want to look after her. Gives us a rest, plus Sof loves being fussed over. I'm sure she'll wake up in a bit and you can fit in a last play before you have to go.”

“I'd like that. I'll kind of be sad to go home, but we have stuff we have to get on with.”

“Sure. That's okay. We know how busy you are. Sofie likes watching you racing.”

“Does she?” smiled Seb.

“Oh yeah, she likes the vroom-vrooms.”

“Aw that's so cute. Ha, I'd love to see that.”

“Kinda tricky when you're in one of the vroom-vrooms,” noted Stefanie.

“There is that,” conceded Seb. “Ah well.”

 

He let out a long sigh and put his hands behind him to lean back slightly into the bed.

“You looking forward to the end of the season?” asked his sister.

“Yeah. Coming on fast now. I swear only five minutes ago it was the summer.”

“Mm. Ah well, I'm sure you could use a break.”

“Yeah. I guess that's why time is flying; we're so busy. It's not bad really, just it's nice to get to catch your breath now and then.”

“Ah well, less than a month, right?”

“Right. And then hopefully... well, I'd just hope we'd be getting somewhere with the adoption. I know they said six months, but if we're home in December we can really get stuck in, go to as many meetings as they want, do all the classes and stuff. I know we can't force it, but if we just keep trying.”

Stefanie nodded, and Seb considered telling her too about the meeting they'd had the other day, but it was going to get so complicated and the last thing he needed in his life right now was more complications, so he decided to keep it vague.

“You know sometimes it's so strange to think that we may end up getting our baby because someone else decides to give them up for adoption.”

“Mm, I can't even imagine doing that,” commented Stef. “I mean know I moan occasionally, but...” she trailed off and gazed over towards her daughter. “I dunno, maybe at three in the morning I wouldn't be entirely gutted for Mum or you or someone to have Sof overnight some time, but to be honest even then I probably wouldn't sleep for worrying.”

“What that we'd drop her on her head?”

Stef smiled.

“No of course not, but that's the thing. I totally trust you with her and yet I still fret. I know she'd be fine with Mum if maybe Jan and I had night away somewhere maybe, but I couldn't do it yet. Maybe when she's a bit older.”

Sebastian nodded.

“You could have little romantic break.”

Stef laughed. Romance had been rather off the agenda of late with Sofie and Jan working so hard only to come home to a squalling baby, but they did usually get a few hours peace to themselves.

“Yeah, in a while maybe,” she agreed. “But I'd probably spend half the time on the phone anyway. It's not a logic thing.”

“You're just a good mum,” observed Seb.

“Well I hope so.”

“Course you are.”

“You'll be a good parent too Seb,” assured Stef. “It's so obvious you and Mark are gonna be great.”

“I hope so.”

Seb looked at his sister.

“Should I feel guilty that I might need someone to give up their child so we can have them?”

Stefanie pulled a face.

“Seb. Don't be silly. It's not you making that happen.”

“Mm I guess.”

She shook her head.

“Are you the one talking them into doing it?”

“Well no, but we might be the one telling them we can look after their child.”

“That's not the same thing.”

Sebastian squished his face and Stefanie gave his arm a rub.

“You're finding stuff to worry about Seb. Look, if they're in that situation then they need someone to take that child. It must be bad whatever it is for them to end up like that.”

Seb shrugged.

“They might just be too young.”

“Yeah well that too. You'd be helping wouldn't you? You and Mark, offering a good home to someone who can't cope. I can't see that as anything but a good thing. If that's the situation, or any situation where a child needs a proper home, a family that will take care of them, I can't think of a better place for them to go than to you and Mark.”

Sebastian looked at her. A child that would need to go somewhere. It wouldn't be them creating that situation, but making it better. He needed to remember that. They could be a good family. They just needed a chance to show that.

“Thank you.”

 

He sat up a little and rested his head on his sister's shoulder. Stef put an arm around him. She'd snapped a few photos on her phone yesterday of her brother and Mark playing with Sofie. All three of them looked so happy. She was sorely tempted to send the pictures to the adoption agency to tell them to pull their finger out and make them having their own family a reality.

“I'll send you those pictures, yeah?”

“Yeah thanks.”

Stef gave him a little squeeze, then let him go.

“C'mon then, let's go find that tea,” she decided. “Sofie's out for the count and I should rescue poor Jan from Mum's little comments about how nice it is he could make it today.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah.” Stef shook her head. “She thinks it means he's neglecting us when he does overtime.”

“When he's actually putting food on the table?” guessed Seb.

“Mm, ha, I guess that's true. How very old-fashioned and conventional of us.”

“Nah not really.” Seb gave her a smile. “Mark and I are the conventional ones; all married and everything.”

Stef shrugged.

“We just don't feel the need.”

“I know. All that matters is you're happy.”

“Yeah you too.”

Seb nodded.

“Are you gonna go back to work next year do you think?” he enquired.

“Hmm, I think so. I never really wanted to be a full-time stay at home mum like, well, Mum I guess, but I couldn't put Sofie in a nursery or anything, certainly not full-time. Apart from anything else I'd miss her too much. I never thought about that when I was younger, but now I actually am a mum I... Well everything's different. I don't care what I used to think.”

“Good,” agreed Sebastian decisively. “You should do what you want. Stuff what anyone else thinks.”

Stefanie laughed.

“Thanks. Anyway so yeah I am starting to think about the future a bit more. I do miss work a bit, so I'm gonna see what I can sort out. Only part time though. Mum's offered to have Sofie so I thought maybe just two days a week, see how we get on.”

“Well that sounds good.”

“Yeah, bit of a balance,” agreed Stefanie. “Ah you see. I'm at it again. I moan about poor Mum and there she is offering to do that for me. I should shut up.”

“Nah, I know what you mean. It's fine. You can always phone me for a moan.”

Stefanie laughed.

“While you're on the other side of the world racing?”

“I get bored in the hotels.”

“You can call me then.”

“I never know when's a good time,” admitted Seb.

“I wouldn't mind. Just call.”

“In the middle of changing Sofie while she's screaming?”

“Well alright, here's the deal. You can call whenever you like, but just don't be offended if I don't pick up or I say I'll have to call you back.”

“I wouldn't be offended.”

“There we are then. When are you next off on your own?” checked Stef.

“Three weeks. Abu Dhabi.”

“So maybe then? Offer's open.”

“Thanks.”

They got up and went downstairs to join the others. Seb sat back with Mark both sipping tea on the sofa. Fabian was regaling them with tales from school, but Sebastian was thinking about what his sister had said about how she constantly found herself fretting about her daughter. He was pretty sure he'd be the same. It was hard to reconcile that with the idea that the child he might be fretting over could be one a parent had chosen to give up. That girl on Thursday asking if they would move away. Was she already fretting about waking in the night and wondering where her baby was, how they were doing? For all her talk of still going ahead with her plans to go to university, Seb wondered if she might change her mind. All this uncertainty. It was so hard to deal with. He pressed into Mark's side and Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek, making Sebastian smile just as he intended.

  
  


Half an hour later Sofie was awake again and the two of them sat on the floor with her while she played with some of her toys, bashing a bright plastic rattle into the carpet and making as much noise as possible. Mark picked her up and held her to bounce endlessly on those strong little legs while Seb smiled at her and clapped his hands to get her attention. Sofie dropped her rattle to the relief of everyone else in the room and copied him, patting her little hands together and burbling away, copying her uncle's smiles and laughing happily.

Sat to the side his eldest sister pulled out her phone and took some more snaps, showing them to Jan sat beside her. Jan smiled.

“Our gorgeous girl. Good job she takes after you.”

Stef huffed a laugh.

“So true.”

“Hey, you're supposed to say at least she has my eyes or something,” protested Jan.

“Sorry. Yes she has your eyes,” agreed Stef, she waited a dead-pan moment, “but all the good stuff is me.”

“Ow, now that hurts.”

Stef gave him a wink and rested her head against his. She was so tempted to close her eyes right here. Any minute now their daughter would find a reason to start crying and for all her brother and his husband's enthusiasm she'd need to sort her out. A little rest. Just a little rest was nice. Stef glanced to the side and saw that Jan had the same idea. He'd shut his eyes and his weight leaned more into her. Her mother sat on the other side of the room and Stef hoped she realised they fact her partner had actually dropped right off to sleep was a sign not that he neglected his family, but how hard he worked for them. Maybe she could just take a sneaky extra nap too? Sofie was in safe hands.

  
  


 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This counts as a two-parter, though really these few chapters all really run into one another. If people are caught up I'll try to push on with getting the next bit up soon.


	180. Hope and Tender Hearts

* * *

  
  


  
  


Later that night Mark and Sebastian were back home once more, sat on their own sofa with more tea as they watched some inoffensive Sunday night fare on TV. Seb could feel himself drifting a little bit so he set down his half-empty mug on the coffee table and leaned more into Mark, letting out a little sigh. Mark put down his own tea and looked to him.

“Alright?”

“Yeah just kinda tired.” Seb huffed a laugh. “Our weekend off and I'm tired. Is that ridiculous?”

Mark shook his head.

“No we've been back and forth across Europe in two days and you know, family stuff.”

“Family stuff? It wasn't that bad was it?”

“No, ach sweetheart I didn't mean that. It was nice, but it is a bit more effort than sloping around at home isn't it?”

“I guess.”

“I didn't mean it as a criticism. It's been nice. Plus we got lots of babysitting in.”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“Practise.”

“Ah it was just nice. Sofie's a sweet little thing.”

Sebastian chuckled.

“She is for us cos we spoil her and we're not knackered like her mum and dad.”

“Well yeah, but isn't that the whole point of being uncles?” argued Mark. “We lend a hand and we get the fun stuff playing in the park.”

“Yeah guess so.”

“You enjoyed it didn't you?”

“I did. I'm glad we went Liebling.”

“Me too.”

“I don't mind being a bit tired. It's nice tired.”

“Ah, _nice_ tired,” smiled Mark, putting his arm around him. “Well that's good. We can have a little lie in tomorrow if you like, make the most of our time off?”

 

Seb slunk his arm in front of Mark and snuggled in.

“Yeah I like.”

“Good.”

Sebastian kissed Mark's shoulder, then looked up at him.

“Bed?” he proposed.

Mark turned his head to lean in and pressed his nose against Seb's, making those round cheeks tweak in the way he liked. Seb moved to brush his nose one way, then the other against Mark's, before he nipped in and stole a kiss, making Mark laugh.

“Sneaky.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian sat away and offered out his hand to Mark. “Bed then?”

Mark took his hand and got up. As they trooped up the stairs together Mark thought his arms really did feel a little tired which maybe was pretty ridiculous when they spent so much of their lives training. Then again perhaps their training didn't involve enough bouncing of a wriggly ten kilo weight freehand over and over for nearly an hour at a time? As they got to the top of the stairs Mark laughed and shook his head.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“Ah nothing. I was just thinking we probably shouldn't mention at our next class that we've clicked that real babies are a darn sight more tiring than dolls.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh back and nodded.

“No probably not Liebling.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


They gave themselves their lie-in and it wasn't until they finally got up, showered and came down to breakfast, that it really properly hit in to either of them that it was really Monday; a new week and one that meant a return to work for Sebastian and effectively the same for Mark seeing as he was travelling to Brazil with him. They were flying out on the Wednesday which gave them two remaining days at home. This bump with reality also reminded them that they could expect a phone-call from Rachel at some point during those two days, but for now they were doing their best to ignore thinking about that too much.

As they cleared the table and set things by the kitchen sink Mark peered out of the window. He let out a long puff of air, then looked to Seb.

“What do you fancy doing?”

Seb perched at the edge of the table and looked out at the weather. Nondescript might be the best way to describe it; a dull November day, the sky grey but pale. No doubt it would be fairly cold out, but neither of them really minded that. The dogs had come to nose around them and Sebastian smiled as Shadow looked up at him plaintively.

“I think the boys have an opinion on what we should do.”

Mark chuckled and gave Simba a rub as he came over to try the same on him.

“Yeah yeah, don't go giving me those doe eyes. I get enough of that from Seb.”

Sebastian coughed.

“Ha, I do _not_ do that.”

“Sure,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian shook his head and stood up properly, choosing not to argue. Instead he looked to the dogs.

“C'mon then boys, let's get ready for a nice long walk.”

 

The dogs barked and ran into the hall, convincing Mark and Seb once again that they surely understood them. Their humans pulled on boots and coats as well as adding hats and scarves against the cold. They left off gloves seeing as it felt nicer to hold hands properly, but they stuck them in their coat pockets, just in case. Once they had the leads on the dogs they set off down the lane towards the gate to the footpaths, turning left to take the long route through the fields.

As the tramped through the bare furrowed fields they let the dogs loose to run up and down, chasing scents and investigating anything exciting they came across.Their antics made them both smile, but Mark noticed Seb was rather quiet. He hadn't missed Seb checking his phone was still on full volume before putting it in his coat pocket. Then again Mark had done the same thing, so he couldn't blame him.

Mark gave Seb's hand a little squeeze.

“Y'alright?”

“Mm.”

It was a non-answer so Mark looked at Seb a little more pointedly as he rubbed over the back of Seb's hand with his thumb. Sebastian merely shrugged a shoulder.

“Trying not to think about Rachel calling,” he admitted.

“Okay, well I know what you mean sweetheart, but there's not much we can do about it.”

“I know.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah.” He puffed out air. “Anything you fancy doing to keep us busy?”

Sebastian sighed.

“I dunno.”

“Do a late run? Go off somewhere? We could go into Oxford if you like,” offered Mark. “Have a wander round the shops, look for some books to take on our travels, get coffee.”

Seb smiled and leaned into him as they walked along the footpath.

“That sounds nice Liebling.”

“Yeah? Cool, we'll do that then.”

“Thank you.”

“That's alright. I could use the distraction too. You wanna head back?”

Sebastian looked at the dogs running back and forth, heading in for a pet and a bit of attention before scampering off again, picking up interesting sticks and returning to offer them hopefully to their masters. He took the latest offering and flung it on ahead for them to chase, then turned back to Mark.

“Nah, they're having a good time. This is nice. We could go into town after lunch.”

“Sure. There we are then.”

Seb pushed up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“That just for offering to go shopping?”Mark smiled.

“No. That's because you knew before you asked what was bothering me.”

“Only cos it bothers me too sweetheart. We'll be fine. It was only a first meeting. Rachel might not even have any answer for us.”

“I know.”

“Okay well, we'll keep busy.”

Seb stayed pressed into him as they continued walking along. He was worrying and going shopping really wasn't going to stop that, but it did help to know he had a good man by his side.

  
  


  
  


  
  


It was an easier silence between them after that and by the time they got into Oxford they were chatting happily as they wandered around the old city, going in and out of shops as they fancied with no particular plan in mind. Mark smiled as Seb held onto his arm as they walked along. In the past he hadn't really enjoyed the cold in England and Mark did still miss the heat he had grown up with, but these days he looked forward to winter, not just for the break but to see his Seb like this; looking so adorable all wrapped up in a hat and scarf, his cheeks pink and his eyes shining bright. Mark found himself hoping for snow, anticipating Christmas these days in a way he never had since he was a kid.

Mark glanced at all the Christmas displays that were up and huffed a laugh.

“At least we won't need to go buying loads of new decorations this year,” he noted.

Sebastian smiled and Mark chuckled.

“We're going shopping anyway aren't we?”he guessed.

“Well we'll need a tree Liebling.”

“This is true. And maybe just a few new decs to keep things fresh, eh?” Mark offered.

Sebastian beamed and hung onto him just a little tighter and Mark smiled back. Of course they were going to go shopping for everything Christmassy again. When it made Seb so happy how could they not? Maybe not an entire trolley-full this year, but a few new items at least. It would be even nicer in a way to go find that box stashed in the garage and bring out the things they bought a year ago; a little reminder that they were a family, building their history with traditions of their own to revisit.

 

With those thoughts in his head Seb found his mind slipping into thoughts of what it would be like to spend Christmas with a child in their family. He longed for that more than any fancy decoration to go on the tree. Sebastian looked at all the pictures of idealised families portrayed in the posters in window displays: Mum, dad, two point four kids. All so happy and perfect. Seb knew he and Mark were never going to be quite that stereotype, but they could be something good. They could be happy. He tried not to want it too much. This Christmas was unrealistic perhaps, but next year, maybe next year?

“You wanna go get that coffee and warm up?” asked Mark.

“Hm? Oh, yeah sure.”

Sebastian told himself off for allowing fantasies to creep into his head. He needed to stay realistic, not let his hopes run ahead of him. Coffee was a good distraction. No point rushing home. Rachel probably wasn't going to call until tomorrow. He was _not_ going to check his phone when they sat down.

  
  


  
  


  
  


 

 

 

Once home they stood in the kitchen discussing whether to take the dogs out again before starting on cooking dinner.

“It's already going dark,” noted Seb as he stood by the sink to look out of the kitchen window into the garden.

Mark walked to stand behind him and pressed his body into Seb's, sliding his arms around him and setting his chin to rest on Sebastian's shoulder.

“Mm.”

Mark looked out. The hour change meant that even at quarter to five it was already almost night outside. It really was nearly winter now. He turned his head enough to look at Seb and smiled to see his cheeks were still a little pink from being out in the cold afternoon. Sebastian looked back at him.

“What?”

Mark gave a tiny shake of his head.

“Nothing.”

He smiled, then leaned in to kiss that nice pink cheek. Sebastian merely huffed a little laugh, then turned his head more and lifted his chin to try to kiss Mark back, only catching his stubbled jaw until Mark obligingly leaned in to kiss back. It was a bit of task to stay twisting like this so Sebastian swivelled around and was just slipping his arms over Mark's shoulders so they could kiss more easily when the dogs started pushing into their legs.

Mark sighed and lifted away to give them a look.

“Jealous are we?”

Sebastian laughed and let his arms drop away.

“Maybe we should take them out?”

“Why don't you just go out back for a bit?” asked Mark, speaking directly to the animals who jumped up happily as he opened the back door.

As soon as they could the dogs dashed out into the garden and Mark shook his head.

“Easily pleased,” he noted.

Seb went to collect up a couple of their rubber toys from their baskets and joined Mark in the doorway to lob them out so they had something to play with. Seb and Mark had really only just divested themselves of shoes and coats on returning from town, so seeing as Shadow and Simba seemed content they merely stood inside the back door, watching them run around. Mark fitted his arm around Seb and Seb leaned into his side, his hands clasped to keep his arms fixed enveloping Mark's middle. It felt nice to feel the bite of the cold air leaking in, making them appreciate the warmth of their home and more particularly the warmth of each other. Approaching winter felt cosy, domestic, comforting.

“I can't wait for the break,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark looked to him and nodded.

“Yeah. Well three weeks and it will be.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Three very busy weeks.”

“True. Oh well, they'll go fast then.”

“Mm. I wish I could go with you.”

“Me too, I mean Brazil's okay, but Abu Dhabi...”

“I know,” Seb sighed, “and yours; Bahrain. I mean I dunno. It might not actually be illegal there but I know we'd just feel paranoid the whole time.”

Mark paused. He wanted to say that wasn't true; that they'd just ignore that and be themselves as they should be, but he knew Sebastian was right. Maybe they were the ones giving into external pressures and the brave thing to do would be to go anyway? Perhaps not in Abu Dhabi where the law really was against them, but Bahrain...

He sighed. Porsche might not say it, but even if they had been more accepting this year Mark still knew he needed to keep on the right side of the board. The attention they would be bound to attract as a couple there would not be welcomed by the team, even if they welcomed them to the garage on a personal level. Mark knew Seb understood that as well despite the fact they avoided speaking about it. As it was they barely shared more than a hug in the garage. How would that go down in a country that didn't even recognise their marriage? It wasn't fair they should have to think of such things, but Mark knew it would never be far from their minds.

 

“You could win Mark, the championship. You don't even need to win the race,” asserted Seb.

Mark looked back to him and nodded. He was trying not to think too much about that either.

“We need to at least get third and that's no gimme,” Mark pointed out.

“I know but... I just wish I could be there either way.”

Mark puffed a breath and nodded.

“Me too darling. Can't be helped.”

Sebastian nodded too. He didn't want to make it worse by going on about it. Maybe they _could_ risk going with each other to those races and nothing would happen, but even in a best case scenario there was the publicity being together in those countries would unavoidably garner. The media would make a thing of it and then what would happen? It would be almost impossible to ignore and the attention was bound to make them uncomfortable at least. In Mark's case it was even worse. There was a championship win in the balance. Sebastian knew if his being there proved a distraction and had a negative effect he would never forgive himself. Mark winning was more important. He deserved the success he was long overdue. Seb would just have to inure himself to the idea he wouldn't be there to share it.

“It's fine,” assured Mark. “I'll just hop there and back on the plane, be home with you as soon as possible.”

Seb nodded again.

“Me too. Then the season will be over and we'll have the winter break. No big deal.”

“Yeah.”

They couldn't allow it to be. They just had to focus on work for a couple of weeks and then they'd have their holiday. Time to relax and be together without all those pressures. They could also focus on what was going on with the agency, but as yet they didn't know how things would stand there. Best not to think of it too much, any of it.

  
  


 

 

They were just considering whether to call the dogs in, or leave them out while they went for a quick swim when Seb's phone burst into life, making them both jump. It was ironic, they'd spent days watching and waiting and now it caught them by surprise. As Seb pulled it out from his pocket he looked to Mark.

“It's Rachel.”

They put the door to and went to sit at the kitchen table, the phone set on speaker in front of them.

“Hi Rachel,” greeted Sebastian, “we're both here.”

“Hi Mark, Seb. Is this a good time to talk?”

“It's fine, we're just at home,” replied Mark.

“Good, okay, well I thought I should let you know that Beth and James came in to see me just now for a chat about things.”

Sebastian reached to take Mark's hand, working hard to stay calm.

“Okay, did they um, did they say about us? About whether they... I mean if they've made any kind of decision?”

Seb looked to Mark knowing he must be sounding nervous.

“I know it was just the first meeting,” he trailed off.

“Yes, look perhaps it would be best if you came in to see me,” decided Rachel.

Mark's heart sank at that and he saw the way Seb's expression froze, not wanting to show that he too heard more in Rachel's tone of voice than she was trying to let on.

“Rachel can't you just tell us?” Mark requested.

Rachel sighed and they both knew for sure then that it wasn't good news.

“They don't want it to be us do they?” intuited Sebastian.

Rachel paused. She knew she had no kind of skill at pretending. An alternative career as a poker player would never have worked out for her.

“I'm sorry. They've decided not to pursue this option at this time,” she stated, falling back on the official language that would be in her report that Rachel would need to start writing shortly.

Mark let out something that might have been mistaken for a laugh.

“You mean they don't want us to adopt their kid,” he presumed.

“It's not quite that simple,” argued Rachel, “I'm sure you appreciate that they are in a very difficult place right now.”

“Of course we do,” assured Seb.

“So perhaps this was too soon for them, although, well they did ask for the meeting, but anyway when they came in just now they said that they want to leave things here for now. I don't think they are really ready to consider choosing adopters.”

“But they're still wanting to give their child up?” asked Mark.

“I can't really get into all that I'm afraid.”

“Right, so they do, just not to us.”

 

Mark didn't know why he felt angry all of a sudden. Rachel's polite professional tone was getting on his nerves when surely she knew how personal this was for them. He knew that was unfair though. She had to remain professional to do her job and Mark understood she had a duty to protect those kids. They didn't have a right to know everything, but it hurt nonetheless.

“I'm sorry. I did warn you it was a very early stage meeting,” she apologised.

“Mm.”

“I know this must be hard for you. Believe me I wish I had a different answer to give, but you can't force these situations.”

Mark took in a deep breath, reminding himself to remain rational and calm. She was right, she had warned them and they had known that there was every chance this might be the outcome.

“Did they say why?” pressed Sebastian.

“I'm sorry but I'm afraid that has to stay confidential,” she explained.

“But... if we don't know, how do we try to make sure next time we get it right?” Seb asked.

Rachel sighed.

“Oh Seb you didn't do anything wrong. Matches are really tricky things, it has to be one that all sides are comfortable with if it is going to work. It's not something you did wrong.”

“They just don't want it to be us.”

“Try not to see it that way. I know that's easy for me to say. I think it would be best if you came in to see me. That's why I was ringing, to see if you could fit it in before you go away. It's late on now, but is there any chance you could come in to see me tomorrow morning maybe?”

 

Sebastian let out the longest breath. Wouldn't that be fun? Sitting there being told they were rejected but unable to be told why. Mark looked to him and Seb could only nod.

“Yeah we can do that. What time?” asked Mark.

“Is eleven okay?”

“That's fine. Rachel are you not even able to give us a clue why?” pushed Mark.

“It just wasn't a right fit. I'm sorry.”

“Okay.”

Mark puffed a breath and tried giving Seb something approximating a smile, refocussing his energies on him.

“It was only a first meeting,” he whispered.

Sebastian nodded again, trying to tell himself the same thing. It _was_ just a first meeting. They'd known it might go nowhere. So why did it hurt so much?

“It's okay,” he whispered back, then raised his voice so Rachel would hear him. “That's okay Rachel we understand.”

“I know this must be hard, but we can have a talk tomorrow about going forwards. I will be working to find a good match for you I promise.”

“We know. That's okay Rachel. Thank you for letting us know.”

“Alright well we'll speak more tomorrow. I know this might sound trite, but it was only a first try. We'll find the right match for you. It just might take some time.”

Sebastian nodded. He wished she could say how much time, but it was a question Rachel had no way of answering.

“Thanks,” he replied blankly.

“Okay, thanks Rachel,” echoed Mark. “We'd better let you go.”

“I'll see you tomorrow. I'm sorry I didn't have better news for you.”

“We understand. We'll see you tomorrow then.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye.”

 

Mark disconnected the call and puffed out a long breath, looking to Seb by his side.

“I'm sorry sweetheart.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Hardly your fault.”

“I guess it just wasn't meant to be,” Mark offered.

Seb nodded once more, struggling to find words. Why did he feel like crying? He'd known it could go this way. He'd been telling himself that since before they even went to the meeting and yet this hurt all the way to his gut. He closed his eyes and Seb felt Mark's arms go around him, Mark's temple next to his.

“I'm sorry sweetheart,” Mark repeated more quietly.

Sebastian took in a calming breath and turned his head slightly. Mark lifted his head away to look at him. He was about to say something when the back door pushed open and the dogs appeared, coming over to press into them, Seb and Mark turning to give them a little attention. Sebastian stroked over Shadow's fur, finding the sensation soothing. They were quiet for a few minutes, then Seb looked to Mark and shrugged a shoulder.

“We knew it was only a first meeting.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Still sucks though.”

“Yeah.”

He sounded so downbeat and Mark knew Seb wasn't okay. It was more of a disappointment than they had been prepared for, even if they had thought they _were_ prepared. Emotions weren't always logical, especially not on a matter they cared so deeply about.

“We'll have more meetings, more opportunities,” he offered, trying to pick himself up as well as Seb.

“I know.”

“Rachel will find us a match. It's only been a little over two months. I bet she doesn't even tell us half the work she does on our behalf.”

Sebastian nodded then looked back at Shadow pressing into his leg.

“Do you want a cup of tea or something?” offered Mark.

Sebastian shook his head without even looking up.

“You sure?” Mark checked.

Sebastian sighed and looked to him.

“What good is tea going to do?”

He sounded annoyed and Mark was a little hurt at the reaction.

“Sorry. I just... I dunno. Sorry. I know it doesn't change anything.”

 

Seb hated that he had been negative when all Mark was trying to do was distract them. Mark was trying to help just as he always did and here he was rejecting it, just like they had been rejected.

“No _I'm_ sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry Liebling. I don't know why it feels like this.”

Mark sighed and put his hand at the side of Seb's face.

“Because we want it so much darling. That's why.”

Seb nodded.

“I'm sorry I snapped at you.”

“It's okay.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“Do you think it's because we're gay?”

Mark dropped his hand, feeling guilty that he had raised this issue.

“Seb I never should have said anything about that.”

“It might be though.”

“Darling I was just being paranoid.”

“What if it is though? What if people just won't say? They might still think it.”

“Seb.”

“They might though.”

Mark couldn't deny that might be true. He blamed himself for putting this extra anxiety into Sebastian's head.

“Sweetheart we're just going to have to press on. When the match is a real match it'll happen.”

Sebastian nodded, but he didn't really feel it right now.

“I guess.”

“We might not even end up with a child that way. They might find us a kid who has no family or none in a position to have any influence over where they go.”

 

Sebastian nodded again. He really felt as though he was going to cry. It was stupid. So stupid when all logic told him Mark was right. He'd just allowed himself to dream too much, to get ahead of himself, even when he'd told himself that wasn't what he was doing. Seb scrunched his face, trying to stop himself getting worked up. He knew fighting it made it worse, but even in front of Mark Seb felt as though it was unfair to let himself get upset about this. Repressing things only made him spin up more though and Sebastian felt his heartrate rising, the blood in his veins heating up as it rushed around his body. He could see the blue lines standing out on the back of his hands and Seb knew he had to stop himself tipping over.

“I just need some fresh air a minute,” he excused, getting up and going to the back door before Mark could say anything.

Mark shot up out of his seat to follow him, pushing the dogs out of the way as they tried to trip him up. Sebastian stepped outside and stood on the path by the edge of the lawn. He took in some slow deep breaths looking out into their now pitch dark garden. It was such a nice garden, perfect for a child to play in. Why would anyone not appreciate that? The house was perfect. Maybe it was them who wasn't?

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian looked to see Mark beside him.

“Are you alright?” Mark checked.

Sebastian was sure he should say he was fine. He was overreacting as he always did. Poor Mark, he had to be feeling it too, and now he was having to worry about him. That wasn't fair. Seb was about to say he was okay when he saw the concern in Mark's eyes and knew he couldn't lie. Sebastian shook his head and Mark sighed, putting his arms around him. Seb closed his eyes and lifted his hands to place them on Mark's arm where it wrapped around his chest. It felt better to have him pressed in. Seb pushed all thoughts away and concentrated on doing some slow steady breathing. The air was cold in his lungs and that helped a little. It stopped the heat overloading his skin and Seb felt his heart beat slower until it steadied. Only then did he turn his head to look at Mark.

“I'm sorry Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm overreacting,” Seb apologised.

“No darling. You're upset. I'm not happy either. Of course it's disappointing.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I know we knew it could end up being nothing. I thought I was handling it. I guess I just let myself hope,” he admitted.

Mark sighed and rubbed over Seb's arm.

“Yeah.”

“I should have been more sensible.”

Mark frowned and shook his head.

“No sweetheart, you're allowed to hope. I hoped too. It just didn't work out this time.”

Seb took in a deep breath and nodded.

“Are you feeling a bit better?” checked Mark.

Sebastian huffed the driest of laughs.

“Not really. I mean, yeah better for air, but...”

Mark nodded.

“Do you want to stay out here a bit?” asked Mark.

“Hm?”

“It's freezing darling. We should at least get some shoes on.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian looked down at their socked feet. They felt freezing now he thought about it.

“No we should go in.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

  
  


They went back inside and Sebastian tried giving Mark a little smile.

“Tea would be very nice Liebling. I'm sorry I was snippy.”

Mark shook his head.

“That's alright. I know tea doesn't really do anything.”

“No it's kind of you. I might just go sit down in the lounge.”

“Okay,” nodded Mark, giving Seb's arm another rub before he walked away.

As Seb exited the kitchen Mark gave the dogs a look and indicated that they should go with Seb.

  
  


Sebastian dropped down to sit on the sofa, only giving the dogs a cursory stroke before letting out such a sigh that his whole body felt deflated by it. He allowed his body to fold in on itself, his head sinking all the way forwards into his knees. Seb knew it wasn't fair on Mark, but he felt pole-axed and telling himself that it was a stupid overreaction didn't help. He found it so hard to control his emotions. The only time he really succeeded was when he was working and not always then for all it appeared so on the surface. The dogs were still fussing around him but Seb ignored them for now.

Mark walked in and at the sight of Seb like that he immediately feared the worst. He ditched the mugs of tea onto the coffee table and shifted it back so he could duck down in front of him.

“Sweetheart?”

Seb lifted his head enough to look at him, but he didn't sit up.

“Ah Seb,” Mark sighed.

“I'm sorry.”

“No darling.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark tried to think what to say. Seeing that Seb was at least not as bad as he had initially worried, Mark went to sit on the sofa beside him. Seb had folded his arms onto his knee and he kept his head resting into them. Mark wanted to tell him to sit up, but he didn't feel as though he should be pushing him around so instead he stroked a hand over his back.

“I know it's upsetting, but we'll talk to Rachel tomorrow, we'll find a way forwards.”

Seb just gave the smallest of nods. He knew Mark deserved more response, but he didn't feel he could sit up yet. If he couldn't do that Seb decided he could at least move so he could look at Mark. He shifted, turning to lay his head onto Mark's lap and pulling his feet off the floor up onto the sofa.

The move caught Mark slightly by surprise, but he simply sat back a little to allow him to settle in place, then put his hand at the side of Sebastian's cheek.

“I'm sorry,” repeated Seb quietly.

“Darling you don't have to say that.”

Sebastian sighed heavily.

“I know I get worked up about things.”

“ _Seb._ ”

“I take things too much to heart. I let them get to me.”

Mark shook his head.

“Sweetheart that's just because you have such a big heart. It's not wrong to care. I'd be far more worried if you didn't.”

“I just feel a bit... crushed.”

Seb's voice broke as he said that and Mark thought he would cry too. He couldn't stop himself now, he stuck his hands under Sebastian's arms and pulled him up to hold against his chest, sliding them around his back to keep him in place.

“I'm sorry,” whispered Seb once again.

“Darling you don't need to be sorry.”

 

Sebastian reached his arms up to fit around Mark's neck and he found himself sitting in Mark's lap, leaning sideways into him.

“I'm sorry Liebling. I didn't think it would hurt this much.”

Mark closed his eyes and pressed his cheek into Seb's. He hated anything hurting Seb and he wished he could stop Seb believing that feeling hurt, and worse, showing it, was something he ought to apologise for, as if feelings were a weakness and something he ought to be ashamed of.

“I thought I was being sensible about it all,” explained Sebastian quietly.

Their faces were so close. There was no way Mark could miss the hurt in Seb's eyes.

“You feel what you feel sweetheart. You don't need to feel bad about it.”

Mark released one hand from holding onto him to stroke at Seb's cheek. Seb had cast his eyes downwards and Mark moved his hand to put it under his chin to lift it slightly to encourage him to look back at him.

“Darling you feel things intensely. It's who you are.”

“I know I should toughen up.”

Mark shook his head. Seb had a tender heart. Tenderised by years of being beaten down both physically and emotionally. Mark loved his sensitivity, but he knew it left Seb vulnerable.

“No Seb. I'm trying to tell you the opposite. I love you. I love the way you are. You are warm and you care about things. You are heartfelt about everything you do. How could I tell you to care less about what matters most to you? This hurts. Of course it does. So it'll hurt and we'll find a way through.”

“We don't know how many times we're going to have to go through this though.”

“No. I know. I'm sorry sweetheart.”

Sebastian looked at him, trying to think of Mark instead.

“How are you feeling?” enquired Seb.

“Me?”

“Yeah.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Right now I'm more worried about you.”

“No Mark, I mean about us being rejected.”

“Darling don't think about it that way.”

“Isn't it that way?”

Mark sighed.

“I dunno. I guess.”

“Aren't you worried that we might have more trouble because of who we are, because we're gay?”

“Ah Seb. I wish I hadn't said anything about that. We don't know that's the reason.”

“It might be though.”

“And it might not. They're mixed up kids. From what Rachel said I guess they just weren't ready to be making such big decisions.”

“Yeah maybe.” Sebastian allowed with a sigh. He tried to distance himself a little from how he felt to think about things more clearly. “I dunno. I don't blame them, I can't imagine having to make decisions like that at their age.”

“No. That's true. No I don't blame them either. I wouldn't be surprised if they were just freaked out by it all and retreated.”

“Mm.” Seb thought about the girl and how closed off she seemed. “They might change their minds altogether.”

“Keep the baby?”

“Yeah. I dunno Liebling. I just get the impression. We could go through this whole thing and then that poor girl takes one look at her baby and can't let go. I wouldn't blame her in the slightest if she did.”

“No. Of course you wouldn't.”

“Would you?”

“Blame her? No sweetheart of course not, but it would be very hard to go through all this and then have the rug pulled from under us. Perhaps we should talk to Rachel about it?”

“And say what? We only want sure things?”

“I dunno, maybe.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I don't think there _are_ any sure things in this. It's all risk. If we don't risk getting hurt, we won't get anywhere.”

Mark looked into his eyes and nodded.

“High risk, high reward,” he noted.

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a smile and shook his head at how remarkable Seb was.

“You're still the bravest person I know darling.”

Seb gave him a little smile back, then shifted so he could straddle Mark, wrapping his arms around his neck and burying his face in Mark's shoulder. All he wanted was to feel as close as possible to him. Mark linked his hands at the small of Sebastian's back and kept him in place.

  
  


They didn't say anything for a while, then Seb turned his head to rest his cheek on Mark's shoulder and took in a deep inhale of the smell of him. When he raised his eyes it was to see that Mark was giving him a smile. He never took the piss out if him behaving purely on instinct. It felt good to be with Mark like this and right now he wanted to have that.

“Mein Fels.”

“Always.”

Mark turned his head and gave Seb a kiss, then raised a hand to stroke at his cheek with a knuckle.

“Do you want anything?” he enquired.

“Hmm?” frowned Seb.

“Do you want anything? You want some dinner or I could make fresh tea?”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“I'm not hungry.”

Mark nodded. There was no point arguing he might feel better for something.

“Okay.”

“Can we lie down?” requested Seb.

“Sure.”

  
  


They didn't part. Instead Mark merely manoeuvred them to lie out on the sofa, Sebastian still clamped to his front. Seb pressed his cheek into the top of Mark's chest and looked out at the dogs who had remained silently on vigil sat on the floor by the sofa. He wondered what they must think of all this, what they thought of him. If they could talk, what would they say?

Mark rested his chin into the top of Sebastian's head. He kept one hand holding onto the small of Seb's back and with the other he slowly carded his fingers through Seb's hair at the nape of his neck where it curled. Sebastian closed his eyes and his breathing slowed all the way down as their chests moved together. Mark didn't make him talk if he didn't feel like it, didn't demand he bucked himself up, didn't tell him he was getting overwrought about things. Mark just let him be. No one else would ever understand how important that was, how much it meant to Seb to have that freedom. Never judging, only supporting.

The stupid thing was, Sebastian couldn't help thinking how that showed what a wonderful father Mark would be. If only he could find a way to explain to that young couple, or anyone at the adoption agency, just how special Mark was. A tiny smile crept onto his face at the idea he could ever really tell anyone that simply lying into Mark's body was the most comforting thing in the world, even when it was merely about physical contact, nothing sexual to it, despite their position. Seb thought a baby being hugged into this strong chest must instinctively feel just as he did, that it was a safe place, that they would be looked after. Communicating body-to-body, telling him that no matter how bad things were, they would be okay.

  
  


Mark wasn't at all surprised that Sebastian's breathing evened out so much that it was soon clear he was asleep. He slowed his hand, but he kept on stroking through Seb's hair. It had grown a little longer, the curls more defined. No doubt he'd have them chopped off soon enough, but Mark thought they were cute. When he said things like that Sebastian tended to think Mark was teasing him and sometimes Mark _was_ just a little, but he meant it too.

This was no time for making jokes and teasing though. He didn't like his Seb sad. Mark hoped that Rachel would have some encouraging things to say to them tomorrow. There was a part of him that wanted to tell her to go back to those kids and argue their case, but if they were jittery now than it was unlikely things would work out anyway. It wasn't meant to be.

They'd pick themselves up, carry on. The last thing Mark wanted to do was to tell Seb he shouldn't hope so much. It was hope that would keep them going.

  
  


  
  


When Seb eventually stirred and lifted off him, Mark helped the pair of them sit up. He watched Sebastian's face play the moment out as he remembered why they were like this, waiting a moment before speaking. Sebastian took a deep breath and Mark stroked over his arm.

“Okay?”

Sebastian just gave a little nod. He still felt a heaviness weighing on him, but it did feel a bit better to have some perspective on things.

“We'll talk to Rachel,” he acknowledged. “It was just a first meeting. Maybe they'll get easier?”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

He wasn't really sure that repeated rejection would make anything easier, but they had to remain positive. Perhaps next time it would work out and they'd find a match? Maybe next time they'd be meeting a baby who just needed a home? The only way to find out was to keep trying.

“We'll just see what she says,” he offered.

“Okay.” Sebastian took a deep breath. “What time is it?”

Mark checked his watch.

“Nearly eight.”

“Really? Huh. I didn't realise.”

“You fell asleep sweetheart.”

Seb gave him a half smile.

“I always seem to.”

“It's fine,” shrugged Mark. “How are you feeling? Do you want anything?”

“I'm okay. Are you hungry?”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You've missed dinner.”

Mark huffed a gentle laugh.

“I was trapped under a Seb-shaped weight.”

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling, it's one of my favourite places to be.”

“What, squashed under me?”

“You don't squash so much. I swear you have hollow bones.”

Seb just shrugged a shoulder.

“Anyway,” continued Mark. “I could eat. Will you come through or..?”

“I'll come through. Then I guess, well I think I could use an early night Liebling.”

“Sure.”

Mark just nodded. He didn't make anything of the fact that Seb was saying he needed an early night right after he'd just been asleep for two hours. Instead he found something simple to make for dinner, gave the dogs their own dinner and they went up to bed before it was nine in the evening.  
  


  
  


Sebastian wasn't exactly chatty, but he seemed reasonably okay by Mark's reckoning. It was normal for them to sleep closely together, but there was a little more to it tonight. Sebastian rested his head down on Mark's shoulder and leaned his body in, hips turned into Mark's side, placing his hand across onto Mark's chest. Mark kissed Seb's forehead and merely gave him a little smile as Seb hooked his leg over his to make sure he stayed anchored in place. Mark already had his left arm around him but he moved his hand up to cradle the back of Sebastian's head, leaning his cheek in and slipping his fingers around Seb's hand where it lay on him, letting Seb know that he wouldn't allow him to fall away in the night.

They were in this together. Through every disappointment and every low, every parenting class where they felt out of depth or just plain daft, through every meeting with Rachel where she politely promised them nothing more than she had before. They had to get through that together because that was the only way they would get what they longed for.

Hopefully.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cus you knew I couldn't just let them be happy...
> 
> (Sorry)


	181. Opened Doors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So we're up to mid-November now in this if you're wondering (though I'm sure you would have worked it out).

 

* * *

  
  


  
  


With all that was going on in the background to do with ploughing on with their attempts to adopt, with family and work foremost in their minds, somehow it wasn't until they actually arrived in Brazil that it really occurred to them that it was the first time they had been back there together. To make things worse the team had booked the same hotel they had used back in 2013. It wasn't unusual to reuse the same base, but as they checked in Mark found himself annoyed that the team could be so insensitive. He watched on while Sebastian spoke with Britta who had come down to say hello, and as he did so, it came to Mark that of course nobody on the team had any idea that there were complex associations with this place for them.

Nobody outside the two of them knew what had gone on between them that fateful night three years ago. No one except Dr. Menton that was, and somehow they never really counted him. Sebastian finished up speaking with Britta and turned to him.

“Okay?”

“Hm? Yeah sure,” answered Mark.

He'd been staring down the corridor from the lobby that led to the function room they had used for his leaving do three years ago. There were bathrooms directly opposite, serving the entrance area too, but it was the bathroom further along Mark was looking towards. The lifts were just to the side nearer to them. The lift he'd watched Seb disappear into, heading back to Heikki because he still felt he had nowhere else to go. Mark couldn't comprehend now how he had allowed that to happen. How had he not stepped in and done more to help?

  
  


They walked to those lifts now, trailing their luggage with them and Mark wondered how Sebastian could be acting like everything was normal. He waited until they were in their room and as Seb was opening up his case to pull a few things out, Mark puffed a breath and sat down on the bed.

“Sweetheart.”

“Mm?”

Sebastian looked up from where he knelt looking for the smarter shirt he'd packed to hang up, wondering if he should send it down to be pressed or just wait and see if they were going anywhere more upmarket to eat out that required it.

Mark paused, then dove in.

“Why didn't you say we were staying here?”

Seb put back the items he had been picking up and looked to him. Damn. He hadn't been thinking about how Mark might be feeling coming here. He'd been too busy shutting down any of his own thoughts on the matter. He got up and walked over to join him, sitting beside Mark and looking at him for a moment before speaking.

“I'm sorry Liebling. We should have talked about it. To be honest I saw it on one of Britta's planning sheets ages ago and I guess I had a while to get used to the idea.”

Mark nodded.

“I should have said something, but I honestly forgot about it until the car brought us here and then, well...” Sebastian shrugged a shoulder. “I guess I would have been more focussed on coming here in the run up but with all the meetings at the agency it just wasn't in my mind at all until we actually got here.”

“Yeah. Me too I suppose,” Mark allowed.

They'd had so many meetings and phone-calls with Rachel in the past week and a half, plus going to see Seb's family. No wonder he hadn't had room to think about work. Mark knew that going in to see her only yesterday hadn't been easy, even if they had calmed down from hearing the news the night before. Another session of politely remaining positive from all of them, even when Rachel could offer them nothing more than she had on the phone. Vague assurances that they would all keep trying and see what happened were fine, but they didn't really get them anywhere. After they'd got home they'd not really wanted to harp on about things any longer when they both knew they had to move on, quite literally so when they were due to fly out to Brazil, so they packed and then swam in the pool. Seb seemed fine, but Mark knew he was making an effort to be fine, so he hadn't pushed him to talk about anything, either about adopting or the weekend coming. Perhaps they'd both let things slide?

  
  


“I just need to get on with things, you know?” asserted Sebastian.

“Sure. Doesn't it feel strange though?” pressed Mark.

Sebastian gave a little nod.

“Does a bit. I just... I don't really want to think about it too much.” Seb flicked his eyes up to look at Mark. “I don't think I can afford to. I have to work. I can't...”

Sebastian stopped and shook his head.

“Sorry. That isn't fair on you. Do you want to talk about things?”

Mark puffed out a long breath.

“I dunno. Isn't it weird to be here?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah a bit. It's not the same room, I think we're a couple of floors up, but then they all look pretty much alike.”

“All hotel rooms look alike after a while,” agreed Mark.

“Mm, so I don't know. I guess... being in here doesn't feel like anything. It's just another hotel room, another race. Does it bother you?”

“The room?” Mark glanced about them. “No, you're right, they're all the same. I guess being downstairs was a bit strange, but... Okay, you need to focus on work.”

“Well not right now, but yeah tomorrow. I guess Henry would call it being in denial.”

“Mm, well,” replied Mark vaguely.

“I did think, back when I saw this place listed... but I mean what would I have said? I couldn't very well say I didn't want to stay here with the rest of the team,” argued Sebastian.

“No, guess not. Alright, well, okay, you're right, all hotel rooms are the same. It's business as usual.”

“It has to be Liebling. I'm sorry. Are you going to be okay?”

Mark huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“I was more concerned it would bother you, but of course, we've just got to get on with it, not think about the past.”

 

Sebastian nodded, then fitted his arms around Mark and put his head by Mark's shoulder, looking up to him with big eyes.

“Liebling I know what this place means. This is where you saved me and I'm not trying to dismiss that.”

“Oh sweetheart I didn't mean that.”

“I don't forget.”

“I know you don't. It's okay. Look you're absolutely right, we have to get on with things.”

“I'm not pretending it doesn't mean anything,” insisted Seb.

“I know.”

“I just can't think too much about it right now, otherwise...”

Sebastian felt a tightening in his chest. He couldn't think about what had gone on in this hotel years ago. _Mustn't_ think about it. Not yet. Not now. He had to work. He had to be Sebastian Vettel-Webber, professional racing driver and reliable team player, not some screwed-up victim with a past he couldn't shake off.

 

He pressed in tighter, then as Mark gave him a squeeze in reply Seb looked up to him.

“If I do that I won't be able to do the rest. I won't be able to do what I came here for.”

“It's okay darling. I understand.”

“I should have talked to you before. I just didn't want to think about it.”

“And you still don't.”

“No. I'm sorry. I know that isn't fair on you.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's your race weekend.”

“Afterwards.” Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes, trying to check that he really was okay as he said he was. “Maybe... Perhaps we could leave our stuff here and come back after the race rather than going straight to the plane? Have a proper talk.”

“Okay.”

“Yes? I know I'm being selfish.”

“No darling, you're being sensible. It's fine. We'll ignore the past and just deal with the now for now.”

Sebastian gave Mark a little smile for the phrasing.

“I love you.”

Mark smiled back and ducked in to give him a little kiss.

“Love you too darling. It's fine.”

“I'm sorry I didn't bring this up before.”

“It's fine, okay? Really.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Alright, thank you.”

Seb lowered his head back down into Mark's shoulder. He felt bad that he hadn't been considerate enough to include Mark in his concerns about coming here, but Seb had already been in denial before they arrived. They'd be okay. Even without talking it was a comfort to have Mark with him.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Thus they spent the weekend resolutely ignoring the specifics of their location, Seb getting on with his work and Mark spending what time he had to kill away from watching on in the garage by preparing for his vital upcoming race on the following weekend. He read and re-read every email, studied the plans and the data and though he might be holed up in Seb's little room at the base working at his laptop, Mark thought he might actually be concentrating on it more than he might have done at home with all the time in the world free to do so.

The track was fine, their room was fine, it was really only that moment when they crossed the lobby to reach the lifts to go upstairs that they really had to work on ignoring where they were. They would link hands and exchange a look, but nothing would be said. Mark could detect the way Sebastian relaxed once they were in the lift, their hands staying linked as Mark gave Seb's hand a little rub before asking what he fancied doing that night, if he wanted to order room service or go out. They knew they were in denial, but it worked well enough.

Mark limited his enquiries to checking more vaguely that Seb was okay, leaving the door open for if he wanted to talk, but he understood why Seb didn't. It was a can of worms. No way they could talk things through without it upsetting Sebastian so badly it threw his whole weekend off course and they were both still getting past their disappointment with what had happened with the adoption agency only a couple of days ago. As usual Mark failed to realise how the way he focussed on making sure Seb was okay was his own coping mechanism for distracting himself from thinking about how he himself felt.

  
  


  
  


 

 

After the race on Sunday Mark noticed the way Seb was fussing around in his room; rechecking his track bag and taking his time over changing out of his work clothes.

“Sweetheart is everything okay?” Mark enquired.

“Hm? Yeah. Did you see my Kindle?”

“It's in your bag.”

Sebastian put the bag down on the bed by where Mark sat and dug down to the bottom.

“Oh right. Yeah.”

“You put it in there before.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, course. Do you think it's cooled down out there now?”

“Um a bit maybe.”

“Right. I guess I should just get my hoody out.”

Sebastian pulled the hoody out of his bag and looked at it for a moment, not doing anything. Mark sighed and put his hand over Seb's where he held it.

“Seb.”

“Maybe I'll just see how it is out there.”

“Sweetheart any chance you could look at me a second?”

Sebastian lifted his eyes and saw the way Mark was looking at him. No escaping that gaze and no dodging his unspoken enquiry, even if Seb was working so hard on avoiding what was wrong to himself. He sighed and Mark shook his head.

“Look we don't have to go back to the hotel. We can talk at home. It's fine.”

“All our stuff is in the room there,” argued Seb.

Mark puffed a breath.

“We could ring and ask them to stick it in a car, send it to meet us at the plane.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“We could,” Mark insisted. “Or just ask them to bring it down to meet us, do a drive-by and collect it.”

Sebastian gave him half a smile at the phrase, but he shook his head again.

“No Liebling. We said we'd go back.”

“We don't have to.”

“I think I do.”

 

Mark looked into those blue eyes and saw turmoil there; anxiety, nervousness, maybe even dread, but also that determination Mark knew only too well. Sebastian wasn't to be shaken from a plan once decided, and the plan they had made was to go back to the hotel and talk after the race.

“If you want to,” Mark allowed. “But you don't have to do it for me.”

“We said we would.”

“I know, but that's not important.”

“It is.” Sebastian puffed a breath. “I think I need to go. Need _us_ to go.”

“You want to go visit that bathroom?”

“Yeah. I mean I don't want to, but I think I need to.”

“Okay.”

Seb huffed a laugh, surprising himself as well as Mark.

“God, how bizarre would this sound to anyone else?”

“Sod anyone else. All that matters is us. It's fine. Look we'll go back to the hotel, do whatever we have to and then we'll go home, yeah? Leave this here.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I think that's it. I don't want to take this home with us.”

“Okay then.”

Sebastian gave him a half smile.

“I think Henry would call this looking for closure.”

“Mm, well Henry's not here. It's just us. We do whatever we need to and then that's that. Okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Mark pulled Sebastian in, parting his legs so Seb could stand there in front of where he sat on the bed. Seb leaned in to put his arms around Mark's neck for a slightly strange little hug. As Sebastian stood upright he felt a little better. They were going to deal with it, tackle the issue head on. Even if it was scary it unsettled him less than avoiding it any longer. Seb still had the hoody in his hands and as he looked at it Mark gave him a smile.

“You want to wear mine?” he offered.

Sebastian smiled back.

“This one's yours too.”

“Been a while.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian looked at it again, then back at Mark. “It's lost its smell.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Eau de Mark?”

“Yeah.”

Mark decided now wasn't the time to tease him, so he nodded, then pulled off the hoody he was wearing to pass over, taking his old one back and putting that on instead. He saw the way Seb held the hoody up to breathe in its scent before pulling it on.

“Better?” Mark checked.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and gathered up his things as Mark did the same. At least he was wearing stronger armour now.

  
  


 

  
  


When they got back to their hotel they went up to their room and dumped their things from their day at the track and made sure everything else was ready to go, then looked to one another.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded, taking in a lungful of air at the same time.

“Yeah.”

“You're sure you want to go down there?” double-checked Mark. “We don't have to. We can just talk here, or we can go home.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No I want to go down. As long as you're okay to?”

“Yep. That's fine. Come on then.”

  
  


Mark took Seb's hand as they exited the room, going down the long, blank, standard international hotel corridor to the lift, not saying anything until the lift doors shut and Seb let out a tiny huff of air.

“Be ironic if we get down there to find they've remodelled and the bathroom's no longer there,” he noted.

Mark gave him a smile and a flick of his eyebrows. All this build up for nothing? Yes that would be ironic. The lift doors opened on the ground floor before he had time to answer, so they merely stepped out, pausing for just a moment before turning in the direction they needed to go. He felt how Sebastian's grip on his hand tightened the closer they got. Then they paused as they stood outside the bathroom door.

“I hope no one's in there,” Seb commented.

“Mm.”

They both had a look around them. At half past six in the early evening the hotel was fairly quiet. There was more than one F1 team using it as a base, but most people were either heading straight to the airport from the track, or still there working on the post-race pack up. They'd walked past the double doors of the function room that had been used for Mark's leaving party and no noise came from within, so if it was going to be in use today then it wasn't until later.

“You want me to check?” asked Mark.

Sebastian shook his head. It seemed important that they walked in together. If anyone was in there they would just have to wait. Seb felt his heartrate spin up as they crossed the threshold and he held onto Mark's hand so tightly Mark thought he might crush it, but he said nothing. Instead he looked around the bathroom, trying to detect if anyone was in there.

It was quiet though. That echoey quiet of empty tiled spaces. Mark didn't want to let go of Sebastian's hand, but he peered forwards to check that all the cubicle doors were open, double-checking in the large mirror opposite above the walled-in sinks to be sure no one was there or over to the left where the row of urinals stood on the other side. The place was empty. Small mercies.

 

Mark looked back to Seb about to say that they had the all-clear when he saw that Seb wasn't looking around them. He was only looking dead ahead to the far tiled wall. The wall he had been sat against, hunched on the floor hiding into his knees, crying his heart out when Mark had strayed into this innocent ordinary bathroom to have his life changed forever.

Mark rubbed over the back of Sebastian's hand with his thumb and Seb realised he should loosen his grip a fraction before Mark's hand actually dropped off from lack of blood supply. He didn't move his gaze though. Seb wasn't sure whether he ought to step closer or not. Part of him wanted to touch those tiles. He remembered with startling clarity how they felt against the back of his head: hard, cold. There had been an odd kind of comfort in their solidity, but as Sebastian sat there alone, tumbling in desperation, he had been tempted to smash his head backwards into them. Even now Seb didn't really know why. Perhaps it was simply to feel something different to the pain in his heart? Maybe it was to punish himself for being such a mess? Seb wondered whether it had been a sign that he really was in danger of getting to the stage where he might really hurt himself. That in itself would have been a bitter irony given the cause of his distress.

Mark was looking in the same direction now. The sight that had met him when he walked into this place three years and a lifetime ago would never leave him; a barely recognisable figure sat on the floor, so small as he tucked in on himself that it was the sound of such pitiful distress emanating from him that had hit Mark before he understood that he was actually seeing Seb down there. Those big blue eyes looking up at him, almost challenging Mark to abandon him or dare to stay. It hadn't really been a choice. Once unfrozen from his initial shock Mark had been unable to do anything other than walk towards Seb and in that moment their fates were sealed.

 

Sebastian turned to Mark at last and without saying a word he put his arms around Mark's neck and lifted up on his toes to press his cheek into Mark's. Mark put his arms around him to squeeze Seb in and they stayed that way for at least a minute before lifting apart enough to look at one another.

 

“I think this is where we really met for the first time,” observed Mark.

Sebastian gave him a little smile and nodded, then pressed back in.

“This is where you saved my life,” Seb whispered directly into Mark's ear.

Mark closed his eyes and pulled Seb in tighter, his arms around the small of his back, helping to keep him raised up in place.

“I didn't do enough.”

Mark's voice sounded heavier than Sebastian thought he had ever heard before. He moved his head and lowered down to stand looking at him.

“Liebling, you did. You saved me.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“I should have done more. I can't believe I left you to go back to... him.”

“It was my choice.”

“No. You had no choice.”

Sebastian shrugged one shoulder and his eyes went down to the floor. Mark's hand went to stroke his cheek, then gently lifted his chin up.

“Sweetheart. You had nowhere else to go. I should have done something.”

“You _did_ do something.”

“Not enough.”

“Yes Mark, you did. God, you did the most important thing; you listened. You believed me and you didn't judge me.”

Mark frowned.

“Why wouldn't I believe you?”

“I don't know. I was scared nobody would. I thought people would think it was impossible and I was making it up, or, I don't know, that it was my fault, that I brought it on myself, or that it was all part of some fucked-up game playing and I wanted it really, or... I, I don't know.”

Seb's voice cracked and Mark's hand went back to his cheek as he looked him in the eye.

“No. No darling. You know where that comes from. Those aren't your ideas. They're his. They're what he told you. To control you. To keep you from daring to speak out.”

 

Sebastian nodded and dropped his head into Mark's chest, more glad than he could say for the way Mark held him in tight. He took in a sharp breath and then dry sobs were coming out. Seb kept his face buried in Mark, his eyes closed now. He was back there, not just the same space, but the same time; down at the bottom of that deep dark hole. When Mark had come in here and shown him compassion Seb had thought barely existed, it had shown him a glimpse of light.

Opening doorways and a shadow of a man intruding. Usually that was a precursor of something terrible, but this time the light had finally meant something good. He hadn't known right away, but it meant hope. It meant help at last. Sebastian hadn't been ready to claw his way out from the hole he was in yet, even when a hand was offered. Walking away and leaving the comfort of Mark's arms had been about the hardest thing he'd ever done, but he'd done it because Seb hadn't felt anything else was an option. Not yet.

  
  


Seb heard a slight noise and as he lifted his head he was shocked to see that Mark was the one who was crying now.

“Oh Liebling.”

Sebastian shook his head at him, feeling guilty for upsetting Mark.

“It's okay. I'm sorry,” he assured him.

“No it's not.” Mark let go of him with one hand and roughly brushed at his face. “It's not okay that you told me all that, that you confided in me and reached out for help and I just did nothing.”

“Mark you didn't do nothing.”

“I did though. I didn't know what to do so I just let you walk away. I should have _done_ something.”

“What? What were you meant to do?” challenged Sebastian.

“I don't know. Something.”

“I wasn't ready.”

Mark shook his head, but Seb pressed on.

“Liebling I wasn't. You told me to go to Christian and I couldn't do it, not even when we were right there at the factory. I just couldn't.”

“I shouldn't have left it all to you. I should have done more to help.”

“You did. Mark you're not getting it. You saved me. Right here. Right in this bathroom of all places you saved my life.”

 

Mark felt such a pain in his chest at that. He should have saved Seb. That was what he _should_ have done. But he didn't. He let him go back to Heikki. He let Heikki have another month of free rein to hurt Seb, to torture him in body and soul until Sebastian was finally pushed past breaking point and fled. Mark had been frozen in shock, rendered incapable of thinking straight and at least trying to help. It didn't matter that he hadn't known then the full extent of the horrors Sebastian had suffered at Heikki's hand. What he'd learned that night was bad enough.

“I shouldn't have let you go back to him.”

“Let me? Mark what would you have done? Forced me to go with you?”

Mark opened his mouth, then closed it, trying to work out what to say.

“I don't mean _let,_ ” he adjusted. “Not... I don't know, not _made_ you do something. Not forced you, but... I should have done something to give you a choice, given you a way out. I could have at least offered for you to come back to stay in my room that night. I didn't even say that.”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I don't think I would have been ready to accept. It had to be my decision Mark. I had to leave him.”

Mark closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about what had occurred to push Seb to the point where he finally could do that. Where he _had_ to.

“You _did_ help Mark,” insisted Sebastian. “You gave me hope, you gave me enough strength to keep going, to believe that someone cared. You don't know how huge that was. It meant the world to me. It still does.”

Mark looked back at him and nodded. He knew Dr Menton had something to do with Seb's talk of needing to choose to leave Heikki and no doubt it was psychologically important to retake some control over his own life, but Mark still felt as though he ought to have done more to rescue him. It was a ridiculous notion to think he could have just put Seb over his shoulder and swept him away to safety, but there was still a part of Mark that wished he had.

 

“What happened that night, after this, when you went upstairs?” he enquired.

Sebastian sighed. They'd never discussed this part. It seemed such a long time ago now, but if Mark wanted to know, he should tell the truth.

“Was he there?” pressed Mark.

Seb paused. He knew Mark was tormenting himself. His imagination would only run riot if he didn't tell him.

“Yeah. He was sat on my bed waiting.”

Mark's gut curled unpleasantly.

“He was in your room.”

Sebastian nodded. He didn't need to remind Mark how easy that was for Heikki; How he always had a key so he could come and go as he pleased. Just another little element of power stolen away from Seb. One with the worst kind of consequences.

“What happened?”

Seb sighed.

“Liebling.”

“Sweetheart I have to know.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“He wanted to know where I had been, why I had taken so long to come up to bed.”

The word 'bed' in context of Heikki made Mark feel physically sick. It was an old feeling. He both needed to know and didn't want to know at all, but his not knowing wouldn't change what Seb had been through. All those times Sebastian had been just yards away in some hotel around the world while they were at races, enduring the worst kind of torments at night while Mark had slept soundly in his bed unaware. That last night he _had_ been aware and Mark had hardly slept a wink.

Now he was torn. There was a part of him that had to know what had been the consequences of his inaction that night, but Mark feared the worst and he felt bad for making Seb think about it. He let out an uneven sigh.

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't...” Mark shook his head. “You don't have to talk about it. I'm sorry.”

Seb's hand was on Mark's upper arm as he looked at him. He didn't remember moving it there, but it felt better to hold onto him. He gave a little shake of his head and pressed on.

“He was pretty pissed off,” he recalled, trying to think of it as the history it was. It was all in the past. Long past and Heikki was gone. “I'd told him it was Christian who had asked to speak to me so he couldn't really argue with that, but he wasn't happy. He said I'd kept him waiting. He wanted to know what was so important that my boss had to speak to me that late at night. I just... I guess I covered, said Christian wanted a chat and I didn't feel I could be rude seeing as he was my boss. I think he believed me, but he was still angry.”

“What did he do?” asked Mark, the words leaking out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

Sebastian sighed. He didn't want to think about it, but it was impossible not to anymore. He'd known Heikki would be behind his door when he opened it. His hand had already been shaking as he inserted the keycard, but as he opened the door Seb schooled his body and his face not to show fear. That only made things worse, so instead he had acted innocent and hoped he could bluff his way through to minimise the damage.

The term wasn't metaphorical.

  
  


He closed his eyes and Seb was back in that hotel bedroom, frantically hiding even as he walked into the room. Hiding the truth, hiding his emotions, hiding his real self within his outer shell. He saw the blaze of anger in Heikki's eyes as he stood up from where he had been sat on the bed watching the door. Panic rushed through Sebastian as Heikki closed in, though he didn't move. Seb didn't run. He stood stock still as strong hands gripped his arms, the bruise there squeezed with deliberate force as a harsh face came up to his own. Hot breath on him. Heikki had been drinking. Fuck. More panic flushed through him, but Seb tried not to let it show. They'd all had a few beers downstairs at the party but Heikki must have hit the mini-bar up here while he was alone, brooding in Seb's room, knowing he would come to him eventually.

“Where have you been?” demanded Heikki.

Sebastian gasped in air, only realising then that he had been holding his breath. He inhaled the alcohol from Heikki's breath.

“I told you. I had to speak to Christian.”

“For nearly two fucking hours?”

Shit. Had it been that long? It didn't feel it. Seb had made the excuse just to get away from him for a while, even though he knew it was only delaying the inevitable. Standing in that party room surrounded by the team all jovially wishing Mark well Sebastian had felt an overwhelming sense of misery descending apon him. Maybe it was Mark leaving that triggered it? Not that they were close, quite the opposite, but perhaps it was a sense of being left behind? He didn't know. All Seb knew was that he had to get away.

He'd walked into the bathroom intending to wash his face and try to pull himself together, just taking five minutes to himself, but one look in the mirror and Seb fell apart. He didn't even know why it was the last straw, but it was. He started crying, getting worse as Seb felt the shame of it; A grown man hiding in the toilets, such a mess, his whole life a mess with no way to make it better. His legs went from under him and Sebastian was a sobbing wreck on the floor, hugging in his knees as a pathetic form of comfort and protection as he pressed his back up against the wall. If someone walked in and found him like this Seb knew they would see what a shell of a human being he really was. Maybe that would be best? Maybe they should know what a fake he was, how unworthy he was of anyone thinking he was the person he pretended to be? Seb hunkered in against himself, fearful of what would happen next, but in no state to move. The last thing he expected was Mark appearing, even less his reaction.

  
  


“I'm sorry. He's my boss. I had to go.”

“You knew I was waiting,” retorted Heikki, his hands releasing Seb, but his face still leering in. “I don't care who the fuck you were chit-chatting with. You have the nerve to dismiss me like that? You think you're so important. Is that what it is?”

“No. Heikki, I couldn't say no. I had to go talk to him.”

“What about? What was so fucking important?”

“It was just work stuff.”

“Work stuff? It's gone midnight.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Are you?”

“Yes. Really. I didn't realise how much time had passed,” Seb apologised, making his voice soft, unthreatening, no challenge there. Just accept that you are in the wrong and maybe it won't be so bad.

 

His eyes were cast down, but Seb felt Heikki's eyes boring into him. Judging if he was lying, already thinking about what the punishment should be.

“You think that's acceptable?” bit Heikki.

Sebastian kept his eyes down. More fear rushing through him at the venomous tone in Heikki's voice. He shook his head tightly. Don't react. That only makes it worse. Seb hoped it wasn't obvious he had been crying. He didn't know what Heikki would make of that, but it wouldn't be good.

“I _said_ , do you think that is _fucking_ acceptable?” ground Heikki, his face right up to Sebastian's now, the anger coming off him in waves just as powerfully palpable as the stink of booze.

Seb shook his head again, his heart leaping in his chest as ice-cold fear ran through his veins.

“I'm sorry,” he repeated weakly.

Oh god. He was going to cry. Don't cry. Don't cry _. Don't cry._ Seb closed his eyes to try to stop tears forming. He hadn't noticed the way he had backed almost all the way into the door as Heikki came closer, but as he took a last half pace backwards Seb was right up against it now. Trapped. Heikki had let go of him and yet Sebastian felt as though he was pinned to the door. There was a bang by his ear and Sebastian flinched in terror, opening his eyes to see Heikki's hand coiled into a fist, planted into the door by the side of his head. Heikki saw the way Seb jumped and curled his lip in disgust.

“Fucking pathetic,” he spat.

Seb was trying to stop himself from shaking. His body felt weak, already wrung out with tiredness from racing and a long weekend at work, topped off with turning himself inside-out with Mark only minutes earlier. He had so little left Seb thought he might simply fall to the floor. Heikki had his gaze now and Sebastian was too afraid to pull away, too afraid to even look down. Looking away could be counted as disrespectful, but then so could looking back at him. There was no winning.

Heikki moved his hand and examined the knuckles that were noticeably red now from slamming against the wood. He kept his hand balled tight as he looked back to Seb, showing him his fist.

“Look what you made me do,” accused Heikki, his voice slow and deliberate, his eyes dangerous.

Sebastian's chest was tight, heat in his skin, blood pumping too fast. Fight or flight. He could do neither and the sensation turned in on him, tearing Seb up inside as given no outlet, his body fought itself.

“I, I'm sorry,” he stammered.

“Are you?”

Sebastian nodded nervously.

“I don't think you are. I don't think you're sorry at all,” accused Heikki coldly. “I think you need to learn to show more respect.”

 

Heikki leaned in closer and Sebastian knew he should apologise again, but he could hardly breathe. He was doing everything he could to stop his chest from moving too fast, trying to hold everything in so it didn't show.

“No?” challenged Heikki on receiving no answer. “Then perhaps I should teach you that lesson.”

Sebastian wanted to scream, to run, but he had nowhere to go and he didn't dare make a sound. He thought of that brief comfort in Mark's arms, but he'd walked away from that. It was his own fault. Seb didn't even know which room Mark was in. What should he do, knock on all the doors until he found him? The idea was laughable, but he wasn't laughing. Suddenly a vice-like hand gripped around his wrist and Sebastian couldn't stop the flash of fear leaping into his eyes. Heikki saw it. He always saw the moments of weakness, the chinks in Seb's armour ripe to be exploited. He always found him out. Sebastian watched as a horrible smile appeared on Heikki's face. He stood frozen in fear until Heikki hauled on his arm and Seb could do nothing but stumble over as he was dragged to the bed.

Hide, hide, hide inside. When there was nowhere else to go, no way of stopping what was about to happen, that was all Sebastian could do. Hide the real him from Heikki in the only way possible. In Seb's mind he was going to bury himself in Mark's chest, feel his arms around him as he had downstairs. He'd hide there where it was safe.

He wasn't going to cry.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian closed his eyes and felt not those cruel hands, but Mark's gentle one against his cheek. He worked to close down the terrible memory, just one of so many. A horrible flush had sent the blood surging through his body and Seb could feel his skin tingling as though an electric current had been sent through him. He had to stop it. Stop himself plummeting down into the worst of those memories. Seb knew what going there did to him. He concentrated hard on what Dr Menton used to tell him to do: Don't re-experience things, recall without re-living and tell yourself that it is past history. It is gone, never to come back. Heikki was dead and could never hurt him again. That constant lurking fear was gone. _Gone_. Seb never needed to be afraid again. He was safe with Mark and always would be, everything was okay now, everything was okay.

“Sweetheart?”

Seb looked up to him. He shook his head. He wasn't going to let himself think about it anymore.

“It was only more of the same,” he dismissed.

'Only'. Jesus. Mark knew what 'the same' meant when it came to Heikki and there was no way to consider it 'only' anything. He felt worse now. Mark rubbed a hand over his face. Even now there was something in him that wanted to ask Sebastian to elaborate so he knew just how bad it was, but he knew what Heikki was like, what he did to Seb. Mark knew it was cruel to force him to speak of it. He pushed out a breath to try to settle himself, feeling sick with guilt.

“Oh god Seb. I should never have let that happen. I should have... I don't know. I should have done something.”

“What?” Sebastian sighed. “What could you have done?”

“I don't know, but something.”

Steamed in there and broken Heikki's jaw. That would have been something, Mark thought. Taken him by the scruff of his neck and hurled him down a flight of stairs. Given him a taste of his own medicine. Shown him how it felt. Let Heikki feel some fear for once. Make him suffer some consequences for his actions.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Mark you _did_ do something. You showed me there was more than what I had. Showed me there was someone I could trust. Someone who believed me and didn't blame me. Someone who cared. You gave me somewhere to hide.”

Mark frowned a little.

“But that wasn't until so much later. Over a month. It was January before...”

“No,” interrupted Seb. “I don't mean that. Well I do I guess, but I meant even then, in my head. You gave me a safe place to hide myself when things got bad. You showed me the possibility that there was something better than what I had and you have no idea how important that was. You gave me something to hang on to, even if it was just a thread. I wasn't brave enough to pull on it then. I wasn't brave enough to run yet, or maybe I just wasn't desperate enough. I didn't think things could get worse, but it turned out they could.”

 

Mark sighed and closed his eyes for a second. He knew what had driven Seb to make that break for freedom. He wasn't sure why Sebastian was the one now rubbing over his arm to comfort him when he had failed him all that time ago.

“Liebling. You still don't know what it meant to me to have someone in the world I could trust. I was so ashamed Mark. I couldn't face Christian. I saw my family at Christmas and all I wanted was to get away as fast as I could. I know that doesn't make sense, but I couldn't bear the idea of them knowing and it was a strain pretending to be okay around them. They were all so happy I'd won the championship and I just felt sick inside the whole time. I couldn't spoil their happiness. I couldn't tell them it was all a sham and I wasn't the person they were so bloody proud of.

It just made it worse and when I left...” Sebastian swallowed. “When I walked back into my house in Switzerland I knew I had to make it stop.”

Mark hated the look in his eyes. Hated what he knew Seb's options were by that point.

“I thought about you,” Seb explained. “I thought about what you had said about Heikki and how there might be a way to make him go away if he wasn't my trainer anymore. I was so scared. I spent days trying to build myself up to it and it was you who gave me the strength to even consider that.”

“Yeah and look what happened,” pointed out Mark. “I was stupid to suggest that.”

“No you weren't.”

“Seb I encouraged you to fire him. I should have thought how that would go down.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Mark. That wasn't your fault. I should have gone to Christian to make that happen, but I was too afraid. Even the next day after I'd tried to tell Heikki to go. Back at the factory with Christian right there asking how I'd done that to my eye, all I could do was what I always did; I lied and covered things up. I couldn't tell him then. I couldn't tell anyone, but I'd already told you. Enough anyway. Enough to know your reaction wasn't one I needed to be afraid of. Christ Mark it was the first time, the very first time I'd felt that I had someone to turn to. I sat there in those meetings and all I could think about was how I wished you were there. I knew you lived close by though. They were going through all those technical details about the new car and all the new regs, but I was only thinking about how I might be able to get your address and if you might be there.”

“Thank god I was.”

“Yeah.”

Mark pulled Seb in against him, placing his hand at the back of Seb's head, his cheek by Seb's temple.

“I thank everything that ever was that I was in that day,” Mark whispered. “I can't bear to think what might have happened if I hadn't been there.”

 

Sebastian squeezed his eyes tight shut. He knew what would have happened. He would have turned around, headed to the airport and gone back. Back to Switzerland. Back to Heikki. Back to the nightmare. And the only way to make it stop then would have been very final indeed. Make it look like an accident to spare his family. There were plenty of steep mountain roads nearby. Plenty of places where the side of the road fell sharply away with inadequate barriers. It wasn't like it hadn't crossed his mind before. Take the seatbelt off to make sure. Maybe it would help explain all the bruises on his body? The police probably wouldn't investigate too closely. Just a tragic accident. Better that way. It would hurt his family, but at least they could keep the image they held of him. They'd still be proud of him then. Sad, but proud. Seb thought they could live with that. He couldn't live with the alternative.

It was a cold irony that in the end Heikki had been the one to be killed in a car crash, not him.

 

Sebastian stayed pressed into Mark for another moment, breathing him in, feeling the security of his strong arms. This was where he had run to. _Safe, safe, safe._

“You _were_ in. That's all that matters,” Seb reminded him. “You were there and you took me in and everything was okay after that.”

Mark stroked his hand over Seb's hair. Everything hadn't exactly been okay, but they had been a hell of a lot better than they had been before.

“It wasn't even a risk,” continued Sebastian, lifting his head enough to look at Mark. “Going to you, the only risk was that I wouldn't find you there. Nothing else about it was. That was what you gave me here. You gave me a glimmer of hope. You gave me an alternative. You gave me a way out and you saved my life just as literally as if you pulled me from a burning car. It was going to blow. Everything was going to blow one way or another but you got me out.”

 

Mark looked at him, unable to think what to say in reply.

“I just wish it had been sooner.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Me too, but I just wasn't ready. Or maybe I wasn't desperate enough. I don't know.”

“I should have done more.”

“No Liebling. You did plenty. You couldn't make him go away. You couldn't make it stop. Not like that. I know you wish you could.”

“Yeah. I do.”

“I know Liebling. I know.”

He stroked over Mark's arm. Mark wanted to fix things. Wanted to take action. It was his way. But that wouldn't have worked. Not then. Heikki would turned it back around, realised Mark was a threat and found a way to cut Seb off from him. Found a way to lure Seb back in. Taken away his last option.

 

Mark sighed. When he thought about back then two desires presented themselves first and foremost; to rescue Seb and keep him safe, and to take revenge on Heikki as he deserved. But what would have happened? Stick Seb in his hotel room that night and come morning would he have reverted back and returned to Heikki? Barge into Seb's room at midnight and knock Heikki's block off? Then all Seb would have seen was another violent man making decisions for him. Mark couldn't be that person. No matter how much his instincts pulled him that way he had to be better than that. He had to be the man Seb deserved. The last thing he could have done was force something on Seb. That would have made him no better than Heikki.

“I just wish there was that's all,” Mark confessed.

“I know Liebling. But what you did was enough. It gave me courage.”

“You had plenty of courage.”

“Not enough to break free, not until I had a way out. You opened the door Mark. That's what you did and it was huge. I had to be the one to walk out. I had to do that for myself. I had to break free. That way I can always look back and know that bad as all that was, I was the one to leave. I made that decision. I left him. Don't you see? _I left._ I took that bit of power back and it was the foundation of everything I rebuilt my life on. I had to do it myself Mark.”

Sebastian looked at him and gave Mark a half-smile.

“Don't you know that's what made him so angry? That's what festered and left Heikki so infuriated he kept on and on chasing me. I stood up to him. I left him feeling powerless and that drove him mad. He thought I was his, that I belonged to him and I always would, but I didn't. I showed him that and he couldn't stand it. Maybe it's bit fucked up, but it does feel a little bit good to know that.”

Mark huffed out a dry little laugh and shook his head.

“It's not fucked up. It's good. You got your own revenge darling. In the best way possible. You took back your freedom. You rebuilt your life. You won and he lost.”

“We won.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yes. We won.”

He stroked his thumb over Seb's cheek and Seb gave him a little smile back. Mark was the source of all his happiness, past, present and future. All because he had opened the door and walked into this bathroom that night.

“Don't feel guilty about not doing more Liebling,” Seb argued. “What you did was amazing. I will never forget it and neither should you.”

Mark nodded.

“I don't think I could if I tried sweetheart.”

“No. Me neither.”

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath and pushed up again to slot one arm, then the other around Mark's neck. He gave him a firm look, then kissed him.

“You're my hero. My rock. You always will be.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss back.

“And you're mine darling. You're the bravest, strongest person I've ever known,” he declared.

Sebastian's automatic temptation was to argue that he wasn't that impressive, but he didn't, not today.

“Thank you Liebling.”

 

They hugged in tight against one another, then as Mark let Sebastian set himself down, he gave him another smile to try to cheer him up.

“It's just a happy coincidence that you're also gorgeous.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and shook his head.

“You're not so bad yourself Liebling.”

“Well, that's good then isn't it?”

Sebastian took in the deepest of breaths and nodded.

“Shall we go?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. Let's go home,” Seb concurred.

 

Mark nodded, then paused, letting go of Seb to go wash his face at the sink. It was only as they separated that they both realised that they had stayed pressed into one another the entire time they were in here. Mark dried his face with a paper towel and as he lifted it away to drop it into the bin Mark saw that Sebastian had gone over to the far wall. Seb ran his hand over those cold tiles and looked at the spot on the floor where he had sat, the spot beside there where Mark had joined him, where Mark had held him and let him know there was still good in this world.

Mark went over and placed his hand on Sebastian's shoulder.

“Alright?”

Seb turned around to look at him.

“Never let me go will you?”

“Never.”

They hugged in tight once more, then they walked from the room. Mark's arm remained around Seb as they left the bathroom. The door falling shut behind them as they continued along the corridor, back to the lift, back to their room to collect their things and go.

  
  


  
  


  
  


On the flight home Mark's arms stayed around him, Seb pressed into his chest, hanging onto Mark. He felt jittery for all they had worked to exorcise those old ghosts. As Sebastian kept his cheek against Mark, placed just below his shoulder, he rubbed it in a little against the soft fabric of his hoody, back and forth, breathing Mark in. He thought it was good that they had done what they had before they left, but Seb knew there was no way he could have done that earlier in the weekend and gone on to work straight after. It was impossible to go back to that place and come out unaffected. Seb didn't know if it was re-opening old wounds or making steps to close them. All he had known was that they'd had to go there and face the past in order to reaffirm that it really was behind them.

Mark stroked over Seb's arm. He knew Seb wasn't really okay. Even if he said he was alright Mark knew that these were relative terms. They'd gone close to the darkness. It might be old now, but it didn't go away. Sebastian was never going to forget it. Nobody could. Mark couldn't either. He didn't think he'd ever quite forgive himself for failing to stop Seb's suffering the moment he had learned of it. Seb didn't blame him though. Seb saw it differently and it was something to know that, to know that he had at least eased that time and paved the way to his escape. It didn't feel like enough to Mark, but if it did to Sebastian then that was something. It was something, not nothing. He hadn't done nothing. He hadn't left him there and walked away. He had been there for Seb when he ran to him. Thank god for that much.

Neither one of them could go back and change the past. All they could do was try to find a way to live with it.

Mark took in a deep breath and squeezed Seb in a little.

“Y'tired?” he enquired.

“Mm,” mumbled Seb.

He needed to stay close to Mark now. Needed to go home and just have a few days to properly put it behind them. Seb wasn't going to think about the fact Mark would be leaving after that.

Mark stroked over Sebastian's arm.

“Sweetheart do you want to try to sleep?”

“Mm.”

Mark kissed Seb's forehead.

“Sit up a second,” he requested.

Sebastian did so. He felt a little bleary already and rubbed at his face. Mark smiled at him and put his hand at his cheek for a moment, then took in a breath and looked for a flight pillow and blanket placed near them. Their seats were already set back, but Mark shifted to rest at an angle nearer the window, putting the little pillow behind his head and settling back. Sebastian took his cue and shuffled up to lie more over him, pulling the blanket so it covered them both. He leaned into Mark, resting into his chest a little lower than before, the side of his head placed over Mark's heart.

No one else would ever understand the significance of what happened to bring them together, what it really meant to them both and how it had changed things so fundamentally and permanently between them. They could tell them and they still wouldn't understand. Not even Henry. He knew the details and had given his thoughts on them, but that wasn't the same as understanding in the way that they did.

Sebastian listened to the sound of Mark's heart beating and let it comfort him, soothing away the jittery feeling inside and calming his own heart. As he relaxed into it Sebastian let out a long breath and Mark tugged the blanket a little higher before securely wrapping his arms around him. Seb put his hand on the other side of Mark to keep himself in place and closed his eyes.

“I love you so much Liebling.”

Mark kissed the top of his head, then rested his cheek into those soft, dark blonde curls.

“I love you too darling. More than anything in the whole world.”

A sleepy smile spread over Sebastian's face and he felt himself floating. Floating, but safely held up. Floating above the world, the whole world, safe in Mark's arms.

Mark felt Seb's breathing slow and knew he was asleep. Asleep and safe. Safe in his arms and he never, _never_ wanted to let him go.

  
  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah cheery stuff. So how was your Tuesday? ;)


	182. Playing The Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, slight delay, sorry. You know I really got stuck for a while and now I have a rotten cold so I needed a boost under me to get on with this. Anyway, here we go with the next bit - the end of the season is nigh...

* * *

  
  


Mark wouldn't have gone on their plane when it was only him travelling out to Bahrain but for the fact it meant he could have more time at home with Seb if he did. It meant he could leave on the Wednesday morning and with the time difference in his favour heading east that would get him there in good time for an afternoon's prep with the team ready for the start of running on the Thursday, coming back on Saturday night, or more accurately Sunday morning after the race. This way Mark knew he could pick up and leave as soon as he could without worrying about whether things with the team might overrun. He was trying not to think too much ahead about the fact that there was a possibility that Porsche, and indeed _he_ , might have something to celebrate that night. Instead he concentrated on the practical aspects: get done, jump on plane, straight home to Seb.

It did severely suck that Seb couldn't be there with him. The flight would be far more pleasant with Sebastian tucked nicely into his side as normal. That couldn't be though and thinking about it only tormented him. Seb couldn't come to Bahrain just as Mark couldn't go with him to Abu Dhabi, and that was that. They just had to accept it. Getting tied up in discussions of what _might_ be okay would only make things worse. It was better to keep it simple and not get tangled in all that. Mark knew he needed to be fully focussed on the job this weekend. He was trying not to put too much weight on the race. If he spent the whole time thinking about the chance of winning the championship then his mind wouldn't be clear enough to actually drive. It might be another spot of denial at play, but Mark was trying to take a leaf out of Sebastian's book and compartmentalise.

  
  


Arriving at the circuit Mark had a bit of time to catch up with his team-mates and go down to the garage to see how the preparations were going there before being guided to do a few advance bits of media. He smiled and shared his thoughts on what their chances were, telling journalists the truth when Mark said he was just going to get on with things without considering the bigger picture too much.

“So you think you have a good chance?” asked the reporter.

“We have a chance. We have worked hard as a team all year to give ourselves this chance, now we just have to keep on working,” Mark replied.

“So you're not getting too excited yet?”

Mark smiled.

“Not yet, no.”

He glanced around the Porsche hospitality area where his fellow drivers were no doubt being asked the same questions at their tables. The PR team had run through things with them in advance, but it wasn't like Mark didn't know the score. He'd been in this game a long time.

“Do you feel you're all set for the race this weekend?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Not quite mate, that's what free practice is about. I'm sure come the race on Saturday we will be.”

“Has the team held their briefings yet?”

“Not with us drivers, no we've got that in a bit. We're on a later schedule here as you know, but then seeing as we're running a couple of hours ahead of UK time that's no bad thing, not for me anyway,” offered Mark.

“How do you feel about driving at night?”

“Name of the game in WEC. It's what we do.”

“So you're happy taking the later stints?”

“Absolutely. You adjust. Actually it's when the light is changing that it's trickier.”

“Another issue you'll have to face in a twilight race,” noted the journalist.

“True, but we're all in the same boat as it were. It's fine. We're used to it and all the run-up in practice gives us time to get our eye in as it were,” Mark assured.

 

Another reporter spoke up and Mark looked over the array of recorders placed on the table in front of him.

“So what will be your tactics this weekend? You only need third to claim the championships.”

“Ha, _only_ ,” laughed Mark. “That's easier said than done.”

“Well, okay, but my point was, will you be running a safe strategy to make sure of that third, or will you still be wanting the race win?”

“We always want the win. We're racers. That's in the bones.”

“So you won't be playing it safe?”

Mark paused, wondering what was an honest answer he could offer without giving too much to the opposition.

“I'm sure we'll consider all our options. As I said, we've not had our pre-briefing yet.”

“Perhaps you can tell us after that?”

Mark merely smiled and the reporter gave a little tip of her head.

“Can't blame a girl for trying,” she smiled back.

“No indeed.”

 

“Are you glad to racing here this weekend?” asked another.

Mark frowned slightly.

“Sorry?”

“Here in Bahrain.”

“Ah, well it's a great track, looks pretty special all lit up.”

“You don't have any thoughts about racing here though?”

Mark kept the smile on his face, though he had his suspicions about where this line of questioning was going.

“In what sense?” he replied cautiously.

“Well the political background.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head. The last thing he wanted was to get into that. Much less the PR team.

“I'm really not that interested in politics. I'm here to race, as are we all.”

“You really don't have thoughts on it?”

Mark had plenty of thoughts, but the team would be less than thrilled with the headlines it might create if he did.

“I'm just concentrating on racing this weekend,” he offered blandly.

“Is Seb here with you?”

“No. He has his own race coming up.”

“That's the weekend after though.”

Mark gave a tiny shrug in reply and left it there.

“You don't have anything to say about that?” pressed the reporter.

“Nope. So, you guys look like you're out of coffee. Why don't we get some more brought over?” offered Mark, all affability as he raised a hand and looked for a member of staff who he could ask to bring over refreshments.

As a woman came over Mark set about checking what people wanted, playing the host and trying to keep the media sweet. He knew they knew he was avoiding the topic, but it was also a firm signal to them that he was not going to answer personal questions. They would have to accept it, particularly since they all wanted access to the team this weekend. Mark felt a little guilty about the fact it was actually something of a relief that he didn't have to worry about Seb being harassed by the media if he was here this weekend. Not that he didn't want him here, but it would make it harder. That wasn't fair, but it was true.

  
  


  
  


Not too long later they were all reassembled for the general briefing ahead of the running on track the following day and it actually felt good to get down to business, no other worries on his mind than the details of engineering and strategy. When he had first arrived Mark had gone to say hello to his boss and though he hadn't had much time for a chat, Andreas had made sure that they were alone in his office.

“Um so Mark, I don't want to take your mind off things for the weekend, but I thought I should let you know that I did get some feedback from HR recently. I considered calling, but I thought I should speak to you in person.”

“Oh?” asked Mark, worrying what that might mean.

“Mm, nothing to worry about. I spoke to them in anonymous terms as we discussed, but they have confirmed that you were correct to suggest that your rights as an adoptive parent would be the same as any other in terms of taking leave.”

“Oh right, thanks.”

Despite the fact that Mark had already been pretty sure of that fact, it was still a relief to hear Andreas agree. The relief must have shown because Andreas placed a hand on his arm for a moment as they both stood in front of his desk.

“I'm sorry it took such a long time to get back to you. I'm afraid as I presented it as a hypothetical for a team-member more generally they didn't exactly prioritise the enquiry.”

“Ah I see, yeah of course. Well okay, so we're good then?” checked Mark.

“Yes. I presume this is still hypothetical? No, um, developments on that score?”

Mark rubbed at his jaw, no point telling his boss about all the meetings and their recent disappointment.

“No it's all still hypothetical,” he confirmed.

“Okay, well I just wanted to let you know, in case you were concerned. Hopefully this sets your mind at rest.”

“Yeah, thanks mate it does.”

“Good. I'm glad I had the chance to speak to you now. Obviously we need to have full focus this weekend,” asserted Andreas.

“Believe me mate, I'm all focus.”

“I've no doubt of that Mark. Alright, well I'll see you later then.”

“Thanks. I appreciate your help with this.”

“Sure. Oh and you will still keep me in the loop if there is anything I need to know during the off-season won't you?”

“Of course. I'll see you later.”

  
  


As Mark sat in the meeting now he looked across to his boss and gave him little smile. It did help to have him on-side, even if there wasn't anything to deal with yet. He'd call Seb as soon as he got back to the hotel, let him know. Mark was fairly sure that was a good idea. They hadn't talked too much about adopting since their last meeting with Rachel, but Seb had seemed fine, and Mark didn't think pussyfooting around did them any good. Besides, not mentioning it would seem dishonest. Best to just mention it and move on. It would be fine. Mark knew he needed to concentrate on the task at hand.

  
  


 

 

That night he sat on the bed to Sebastian. It was half past seven in the evening which made it half four in the UK. Seb was sat in the lounge, the dogs at his feet.

“So he didn't really get into it much, but basically it all sounds okay,” Mark assured him, having just told Seb of his earlier discussion with Andreas regarding his report from the Human Resources department.

“Well it's legal stuff Mark, they can't really say anything else,” Sebastian pointed out.

“I know, but still.”

“Yeah. Okay well that's good.”

“Mm.”

Mark thought Seb really did sound pretty matter of fact about it. Maybe he was the one who had been worrying?

“Anyway,” he continued. “Other than that it was just usual pre-weekend stuff.”

“Right, well that's good. How's it looking?”

“Good I think. Won't know until we get in the car really.”

“Yeah, okay well I'll be watching.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You just gonna be glued to the TV?”

“Of course. I want to watch you Liebling.” Sebastian smiled. “Besides, not like I've got anything more important to be doing.”

“I guess.”

“Just pootling about, walking the dogs, bit of training.”

“Did you go for a run?” enquired Mark.

“Ah it was still icy after you'd gone so I used the gym instead.”

Mark chuckled.

“No ice here unless it's out of the freezer.”

“Guess not. That'll keep you happy then.”

“Actually sweetheart I find myself missing the cold.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Any excuse to snuggle up to you.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Ha, thanks.”

“So you just played gym bunny today?” teased Mark.

“I am no kind of bunny thank you,” reposted Seb.

“Oh? I think you'd make a great bunny.”

“Behave. No, I just put the music on loud and got stuck in.”

“Very good.”

“The dogs didn't seem to think so. I forgot to close the link door and they came in to howl at me.”

“Howl? Did they not approve of your musical choices?”

“Guess not. Anyway after that I took them back through. Thankfully the pool door was shut.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark nearly commented that they ought to be more vigilant about that, but he decided not to seeing as it would doubtless make them think about why they put locks on those doors.

“After that I just had a swim, took them out in the afternoon. It'd warmed up a bit by then,” continued Sebastian.

“No rain then?”

“No it's looking better for the rest of the week. Not, Bahrain level, but a bit of sun at least.”

“Well that's good.”

“What are you doing tonight?” Seb enquired.

“Ah we've got that team meal later. Full gathering of the clan,” reminded Mark.

“Oh yeah, you did say. Well have fun.”

“Not too much fun seeing as we're working tomorrow, but yeah it'll be nice. Actually I really ought to get cracking. Sorry darling.”

“No that's alright. Say hi to Jense for me.”

“Will do. Give the boys a stroke from me.”

“I'm sure that's really why they were howling. They miss you.”

Mark let out a little sigh.

“I miss them too sweetheart. Miss you as well.”

“Yeah me too.”

“Sunday.”

“Yeah. Okay, well have a nice time tonight.”

“Will do. Love you darling. Shall I call you when I get back?”

“If you want to.”

“Course I want to. We can have a chat in bed.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Won't be that late here Liebling, but sure.”

“Okay well later then.”

“Later.”

Mark hung up and huffed out a long breath, then stood up and got ready to go out. No doubt an evening of Jenson's jokes beckoned, but there were worse ways to spend his time.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning Sebastian woke up to an empty bed. He hated that. It felt even stranger when he was at home and not some hotel room at a race. No point malingering though so he got up, showered, and went down to fuss over the dogs, giving them their breakfast before making own. As soon as they were done eating Shadow and Simba came to give Seb a reciprocal fuss, pressing into his legs while he sat at the kitchen table.

“Yes I know,” he smiled as he gave them a rub.

Seb looked up out of the kitchen window. Blue sky this morning. A few clouds, but nice. No doubt it was cold, but he could wrap up.

“Tell you what boys you just let me finish this and we'll go out for a walk,” he promised.

The dogs barked and Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“I shouldn't have said the 'w' word should I? And I'm talking out-loud to you again.”

Sebastian huffed another laugh. At least Mark did the same thing, but Seb had to admit he was doing it more at the moment because he was lonely. He needed to keep busy.

  
  


Not long later Sebastian unclipped the dogs leads as they entered the field off the lane. The dogs fussed gratefully into him for a moment before relishing their freedom, dashing off along the footpath. Sebastian stood up from where he had crouched and watched on. Simba was haring inwards, off the path and into the exposed soil of the ploughed field.

“No! Simba in. In!” he shouted.

Sebastian sighed as the dog ignored him. He wasn't convinced his voice held the same authority Mark's did. He strode off down the path to catch them up. Shadow was nosing into the bottom of the hedgerow at the side, but Simba was still a way off to the right.

“Simba, _here!”_

Seb put his firmest face on and pointed at his feet. The dog looked at him and Sebastian held his gaze. Stand firm, show them who's boss.

“Here! Now!” he called out, repeating the motion to the ground.

Simba paused, then dashed over. Sebastian sighed and took a hold of his collar as he ducked down to look at him.

“No. Don't go wandering off like that. Stay on the path,” he instructed.

Sebastian gave him another firm look, then gave his fur a stroke.

“Don't go too far like that or I'll have to put your lead on,” he warned. “Be a good boy for me. Hmm?”

Simba pushed into him and Seb gave him a stroke.

“Good. Come on, I'll find you a nice stick. You too Shadow.”

 

Sebastian looked around and crooked his finger to get Shadow to come over. He gave him a rub too, then stood and looked about for a stick in the long grass at the edge of the path. Finding one that would suffice Seb showed it to the dogs, then carefully lobbed it straight ahead so that it would fall on the path and hopefully encourage the dogs to stay closer to it. There was no livestock in these fields until you got further on, but Seb didn't like it if they went too far away. You never knew what might be in the fields left by the farmer; rusty equipment, pesticides, hidden holes dug that they could fall down.

They dogs ran back up to him, Shadow presenting Seb with the stick.

“Good boys,” he praised, giving them another rub before throwing the stick again and continuing his slower walk behind them.

It was nice to do this. To get some air in his lungs and do a little gentle exercise to get the day started. It was cold this morning. A sharp note in the air that was definitely more winter than autumn. Dry though, so the fields weren't too muddy. Seb was wearing boots and jeans with his warm coat and hat on. He was wearing gloves too. Normally when he was with Mark he'd either not bother, or often take at least one off to hold Mark's hand unless it really was perishing.

As he walked along Sebastian took in the countryside around him; bare fields with the furrowed mud hard with frost, the hedgerows prickly and leafless except where the hawthorn and holly took over with their sharp dark leaves. There were a few red berries showing and with the edge of frost they looked very Christmassy. Earlier in the autumn there had been blackberries growing in places along this route, but they were long gone now. All the trees he passed were bare, stark branches reaching out, dark against the blue sky. As he reached the far edge of this field, Sebastian looked up to see a bird's nest balanced in the crook of two branches. He couldn't see any sign of the occupants, but perhaps they were still snuggling down against the cold? As he though about that Seb wondered if he should light the fire later? That would be nice and cosy. Not quite the same without Mark to snuggle up to on the sofa and Seb knew he would have to be careful to make sure the guard was in place if the dogs were around, but it would be something to do to keep him busy while he waited to watch Mark run in FP1.

The dogs pressed into him and Seb was brought back from his musings. He took the stick back and petted Simba's head.

“Yes, yes, come on then.”

Sebastian pushed open the little kissing-gate so they could pass through into the next field and threw the stick once more. He just had to get on with life. The dogs were happy with the simple things. He had to be too.

  
  


  
  


It was still barely nine am when Sebastian got back. He divested himself of his outer-wear and found slippers to potter about in the kitchen, refilling the dogs' water and making himself a coffee to warm up. He was just sitting down with his mug at the table, giving the dogs another stroke as they came over to check on him when Sebastian heard the door. Moments later Pauline bustled in, setting her bag down to the side and making a little shivery motion.

“Oof it's cold this morning,” she greeted cheerily.

“Certainly is,” agreed Seb. “I just got in from taking the boys out for their walk.”

“Aren't you keen,” Pauline smiled.

“Ah well, you know, keeping busy.”

She came over and gave his arm a little rub.

“How's Mark getting on?”

“Good. Free Practice is starts at midday. Here that is.”

“Ah right, very good.”

“He had admin-y, prep stuff this morning, so I'll probably talk to him before he gets in the car.”

Pauline nodded.

“Do you want a coffee?” offered Seb. “I just made some.”

Pauline was about to say she should be getting on with her work, but she got the impression Sebastian wanted someone to talk to.

“Very kind dear, maybe just for five minutes while I warm up.”

“Great.”

Sebastian bounced up to get her a drink while Pauline sat herself down, giving the dogs some attention to say hello. As Seb passed her a mug she smiled and thanked him while he sat back down.

“So, what's going on with you?” he enquired politely.

Pauline laughed.

“Oh my life isn't as exciting as yours.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Mine's not so eventful right now. Are you still planning on going to see your son at Christmas?” he asked.

Pauline smiled. He really was a sweet boy. She didn't want to ask if Seb was missing Mark when it was so obvious that he was.

“Well Tom will be with his wife's family for Christmas itself so we'll go out for just after. Will that fit okay with your plans?”

“Course. It's your holiday anyway,” Seb assured.

“We've not finalised dates, but I think they'll need to get back to work.”

“Ah okay.”

“I'll let you know.”

“Sure.” Sebastian took a sip of his coffee. “Could we maybe get your tickets as our Christmas present to you?”

“Oh Seb dear, you don't need to do that.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“We'd like to.”

“It's too much,” protested Pauline.

“It's really not. Not with all you do for us. Besides we won't have a clue what to get you otherwise.”

“You don't have to get me anything.”

“Of course we do. We want to. It'd make us happy.”

Pauline sighed, knowing Seb wasn't going to give up.

“Well maybe I could have a word with my husband.”

“Sure, but he'll say yes won't he?”

Pauline shook her head.

“And what am I supposed to give in return?”

“My brother really liked those mince pies you made last year. I mean we liked them too, but Fabe really liked them.”

Pauline laughed.

“You are incorrigible.”

“Is that a yes?”

Pauline smiled. Resistance was useless.

“Well I can bake for you. I'm more than happy to do that.”

“And you'll accept the tickets? Ask Henry at least?” pressed Sebastian.

“I'll ask him.”

“Excellent.”

Sebastian beamed happily and Pauline shook her head. How was she supposed to stand up to that smile? At least she knew they could easily afford their gift. Perhaps if you looked at it according to means versus cost of present it wasn't so bad? Maybe there was something else she could get them? Pauline wondered if a basket of nice things from the W.I. Christmas fair would be appreciated. Homemade jams and fruitcakes they could take to their family as examples of real English life. Was that silly? International racing drivers with, she had no doubt, plenty in the bank. Was giving them little homemade country things pointless? Any time they wanted they could order such things from the internet, but then that wasn't really the same. Perhaps they liked the homey touches? At least it was personal. They always seemed happy with the simple home life in contrast to their jet-setting. Hopefully one day soon they'd have the gift they really wanted, then Pauline would be able to help them more to give a little back and they'd all be happy.

  
  


  
  


  
  


As the weekend progressed Mark found himself naturally getting more and more involved in the work of the team as he stayed within their little racing bubble. He still called Seb whenever he could before getting in the car or when he had time off, but it was good to get stuck in and as practice running continued he did have to admit that things were looking positive. Mark was desperately trying to stop himself counting any chickens, but it would be so good to win. He hadn't been just giving PR lines to the media. They _had_ worked hard this year. It was difficult not to feel as though they deserved success as a reward, even if Mark knew that no doubt every team on the grid could justifiably claim the same thing.

Seb was very carefully avoiding talking about the championship when they were on the phone. He didn't want to add any more pressure, nor did he want to think too much about the fact he wouldn't be there if Mark did win. Instead they both worked to concentrate on the day-to-day: How each session had gone, how the team was getting along, what daft jokes Jenson was making. Jenson's car had a chance to win the championship too. So did the lead Audi. It could really go any way depending on the final race result, but one of the other two cars would have to win the race with Mark's car not making the podium for them to succeed. Given the vagueries of endurance racing there was no guaranteeing of that until they crossed the finishing line.

Mark tried hard not to think about how much he wanted it. He tried not to think how another opportunity to reach the pinnacle of racing could slip through his fingers. Cars broke down, team-mates made mistakes, he could make a mistake, another car could crash into them and it would all go to hell. All those times he had been stood at the side of a track literally watching his chances go up in smoke. That couldn't happen this time. Except of course it could.

Mark was also trying to avoid thinking about how being a world championship would help in other matters. Seb and the rest of his family would be overjoyed, but Mark knew they would value him just the same if it didn't come to pass. The world might view him a little differently though. He had to acknowledge that was a fact. He wouldn't just be 'Mark Vettel-Webber, former F1 driver who once nearly won the world championship' any more. He could be; 'Mark Vettel-Webber WEC world champion'.

Winning Le Mans was a pretty good step towards changing perceptions, but that elusive world title would mean a lot. To him, certainly, Mark couldn't deny it was true, but to others that status would hold a little more lustre. Andreas might be supportive and the law might be in their favour, but Mark couldn't help considering that if, and hopefully _when_ , it went before the board that he was taking a year's parental leave, him being champion would be good insulation, especially when they considered any media impact treating him badly over it might have. It shouldn't be that way, but those were the ways of the world and they dealt in harsh realities.

  
  


  
  


  
  


The night before the race Mark lay back in bed on the phone to Sebastian, tired at the end of a long day, and with an even longer one in prospect tomorrow. Everyone who could do so in the team was getting an early night tonight and Mark was no exception.

“You sound sleepy,” observed Seb.

“Do I darling?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh well. I'm just gonna fall asleep after this. I turned down date night with Jenson and just ordered room service, so I'm in bed already.”

Sebastian tsk'd and rolled his eyes.

“Date night. Psh.”

Mark chuckled.

“Sorry sweetheart, just a joke. Actually Jess arrived today right before quali.”

“Mm, I know.”

“Ah of course you do.”

“Yeah anyway, bad jokes aside it's good you're getting an early night.”

“It really is. I was only kidding.”

“Mm.”

“Are you pouting?” teased Mark.

Sebastian quickly changed his expression. Damn Mark knowing that without even seeing him.

“No,” he denied.

Mark laughed and shook his head. It was nice to play, but he wished they were doing this in real life, Seb lying in bed next to him so he could touch his nose to make him smile and then kiss Seb in apology for teasing him.

“Sorry darling. You know I don't mean it.”

“I do thankfully.”

“You're the only one for me sweetheart.”

“And me.”

“Good,” agreed Mark. “Ah I miss you.”

“Me too.”

“I'll come straight home after the race. Well, as soon as we're done anyway.”

“It's fine. You'll have team stuff.”

“Yeah.”

Mark didn't want to say that how he spent his time after the race would be determined by how the race went. Celebrating or commiserating. If they lost he was going to want to duck out as soon as he politely could.

“Back Sunday morning at some point,” he stated vaguely.

“Sure. Well I'll be here.”

 

Mark let out a little accidental sigh and Seb heard it.

“You should go to sleep Liebling.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Do you want to talk about the race?” Seb checked.

“Hmm, I dunno. Not really. I've just got to do it now.”

“Yeah, well you'll go great, I'm sure of it. The car's been going fantastic and pole, really Mark that's awesome.”

Mark smiled.

“Awesome. You're sounding more Aussie by the day.”

“Mm, well you're a bad influence Liebling.”

“I am, I really am.”

“I mean it though. You did amazing.”

“Not just me,” noted Mark.

“Meh, sure,” dismissed Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh. To Seb it was always just about him. It was hard not to be flattered by that.

“Anyway,” continued Seb determinedly, “you did great.”

“Thanks. You may have mentioned that a few times earlier.”

“So? I'm very proud of you Liebling.”

“Thank you sweetheart. We'll just have to see how we go.”

“Okay, well I know you're going to be super busy tomorrow, but any time you want to call I'll be here.”

“Righto.”

“I'll just take the dogs out early, but I'll still have my phone with me.”

“In case of me needing an emergency pep talk?” joked Mark.

Sebastian shrugged, despite Mark not being able to see it.

“Just whatever you need.”

Mark was the one who pouted now. He didn't like it when he felt as though he'd teased Seb too much. It was harder over the phone.

“You're what I need darling. I wish you were here.”

“Me too.”

Seb's voice sounded quieter and Mark wished he hadn't said that. It didn't help to emphasise these things. He let out a long sigh.

“I'll be home soon,” Mark promised.

“I know. I just wish I was there too,” admitted Seb.

“Yeah.”

They went quiet for a moment. It hurt to be so far apart. It hurt that Jenson got to have Jess there and Mark didn't have Seb. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right.

“I love you Liebling.”

“Love you too darling. You know when I tease you I don't mean it.”

“Yeah I know.”

“I miss your smile.”

Sebastian smiled now.

“I miss your everything,” he replied.

Mark chuckled.

“My everything?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark took in a deep breath. He was feeling sleepy now.

“Liebling?” checked Seb.

“I'm still here.”

“You'll be fine tomorrow.”

“I hope so.”

“Whatever happens in the race you'll be fine.”

“Okay.”

Mark's voice had gone soft and Sebastian knew he needed to sleep.

“I'm gonna go Liebling. You sleep and we'll talk in the morning. I can give you a pep talk then.”

“I look forward to it,” Mark assured him.

There was a pause, then Seb spoke up.

“Liebling you know whatever happens I will be incredibly proud of you. I love you so much.”

Mark closed his eyes. He missed Seb more than ever.

“I love you too. Thank you sweetheart.”

“I can't wait till you come home. I'm going to give you the biggest hug.”

Mark smiled. His eyes still closed as he imagined that.

“That'll keep me going.”

“'kay. Night then Liebling.”

“G'night sweetheart.”

 

They hung up and Mark let out a long sigh, wishing he had Seb to snuggle up with as he ought to in bed at night. He pulled a bunch of duvet into his arms and thought how he teased Seb for cuddling his hoodies. He was cuddling the duvet just the same, though sadly it didn't smell of Seb. One more night, well, two really counting the flight, then he'd be back with him. The race would be over whichever way it had gone and there would be a bit of relief to that, even if they hadn't won. Though of course Mark hoped that they did.

Wouldn't it feel nice to go home to that hug and that smile and hear Seb tell him how wonderful it was he had won? Mark knew he'd love him either way, but he _did_ want that extra special moment in his life. He was human and he couldn't help it. Wouldn't it be nice one day to tell their child that he had won a world championship and see their little face looking proud of their daddy? Damn he wanted that. Even the thought of it squeezed his heart. Mark thought it would be pretty cool to have a kid who had both parents who were world champions. Imagine that? Him and Seb just the same.

He liked the idea that if all things worked out and somehow they stayed within that window of six months to find a match, Mark might go into his year's leave as champion. It made him smile to imagine himself changing nappies as a world champion. World champion nappy changer. World champion bottle-feeder. World champion nursing his baby, sat in that rocking chair that longed to be rocked, Mark just sitting a little taller in the chair as a result. Mark didn't think he'd mind so much that the team would be racing on without him. He and the little guy could sit up in the middle of the night when he wouldn't settle, watching a late race on the other side of the world and Mark could tell his child how their daddy did that and when they were older they could come and watch him do it.

Mark fell asleep dreaming of Sebastian stood at the side of the garage holding a toddler, both waving as he climbed into the car, both smiling at him. He knew that would make him prouder than anything. Prouder even than being world champion. But being world champion too would be pretty damn nice.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next day they both went on with the things they needed to be doing. Mark his commitments with the team; preparations for the race, signing autographs and smiling for photographs during the pitwalk, schmoozing the VIPs he was directed to in hospitality. Sebastian three hours behind and five thousand miles away continued with his own little routine; get up, send Mark a text to say he was around for whenever he was free to call, breakfast, feed the dogs, walk the dogs, potter about wondering if Mark would call, wonder if he could go for a swim and deciding not in case he missed the phone ringing, petting the dogs some more, then getting an early lunch. Busy busy. It was the best way for both of them not to think too much.

By the time Mark called Seb was just clearing up in the kitchen, giving the dogs their own lunch and thinking about making a coffee when his phone rang and Sebastian almost jumped out of his skin.

“Oh my god that made me jump,” he informed Mark, his voice rather high.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Hello to you too darling.”

“Sorry, yeah hi Liebling. Sorry, it's just I've been watching my phone all morning and now it rings and I'm surprised. Stupid really.”

“Nah. I'm sorry I didn't call earlier. It was too early before we got started and it's been non-stop since.”

“That's alright. Are you all ready then?”

“Yep good to go. Heading out to the grid in about fifteen minutes.”

“Right.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes. God he wished Mark wasn't doing the start. He was already so nervous he'd hardly eaten any of that lunch.

“You alright sweetheart?” checked Mark.

“Hm? Yeah good. I was just making myself a coffee to go set up camp in the lounge.”

“Righto.”

“How are you feeling?” Seb enquired.

Mark glanced around where he was stood outside the garage, tucked behind the team trucks. Nobody near him.

“Hmm. You know.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian paused. “You'll be fine Liebling. Good long run off the line, plenty of time to get speed up before the first corner.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Thanks.”

“Sorry, I know you know all that.”

“No it's nice to hear. I'm just... yeah okay I am a bit nervous.”

“You're going to go great,” Seb assured him. “All the work you and all the team have done this weekend, you're all set.”

“Yeah.”

“You'll do your best and so will everybody else and that's all anyone can do. Whatever happens, happens. Just remember Liebling I don't care as long as you come back to me.”

Mark laughed again as he ruffled a hand through his hair.

“Is it not good to say that?” checked Seb. “I mean I do _care_ , I didn't quite mean that, of course I care and I know it would be fantastic if you did win, but...”

“No it's great darling. I really appreciate it. A little perspective on all this madness today is much needed.”

“Okay. I know you want to win. You deserve to Liebling, but just in case, I wanted to have said that so you carry that with you.”

Mark smiled.

“Thank you. That means a lot. I love you darling.”

“I love you too. Virtual hug?”

“Absolutely,” concurred Mark.

 

They both closed their eyes for a moment, breathing slowly as they focussed on imagining their arms around one another, taking comfort in it and helping to push away the nerves they both carried today. Mark took a deep breath and opened his eyes.

“Alright darling. I've got to go. I don't know if I'll get chance to talk to you between stints.”

“Oh no that's okay. Don't worry about that, just concentrate on work.”

“Yeah okay.”

“If you need to call though I'll be here.”

“Sure. Alright well I'll try to give you a wave.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Okay. Good luck.”

“Thanks. Bye then.”

“Bye Liebling. Love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart.”

Mark forced himself to hang up. It was time. He closed his eyes for one more second to soak up the comfort of Seb's voice and all his assurances, then he reopened his eyes and huffed a breath. Time to get one with it. What would be would be and Seb would love him either way.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian made his coffee and took it and a bottle of water through to the lounge. The dogs going with him to settle themselves in for the long haul. Seb picked up the remote control and flicked the television on to the pre-race run-up programming which was showing the garages in the run up to going to the grid. It went to the Porsche garage and as it scanned over the personnel in there it showed Mark getting his helmet ready to put on. He caught sight of the camera and paused a moment to wave. Seb waved back, his heart catching a little at the sight.

“Hello Liebling.”

Keeping his eyes on the screen Sebastian gave the dogs sat on the floor by the sofa a rub.

“Look boys, there's Mark.”

The dogs sat up a little and barked, making Seb laugh.

“Yes I'm pleased to see him too.”

Mark was shown speaking to one of his guys and then putting his helmet on and Seb sighed.

“Good luck Liebling.”

The camera panned around and picked up on Jess stood at the back of the garage.

“Hey,” said Sebastian more quietly.

Jessica looked pretty, her hair perfect as always and dressed for the heat in Bahrain. Sebastian wondered if being a model meant she felt she always had to look good, or if that elegance just came naturally. He didn't think he looked anything particular when he was in the garage, dressed in jeans or shorts with t-shirt and/or hoody depending on the weather. He certainly didn't dress up for the cameras that was for sure. Mark didn't wasn't bothered and Mark was the only one whose opinion Seb valued regarding his appearance. He did know Mark liked it when he wore one of his Porsche hoodies. He would joke and say it would annoy Helmut, then he would tell Seb he looked cute and though Seb would usually roll his eyes, it did feel nice. They both knew that Sebastian visibly supporting Mark meant more than he said.

Sebastian was wearing one of those Porsche hoodies today, not that anyone other than the dogs would see. It felt important to do whatever he could, even if it might seem slightly ridiculous to anyone else.

The television showed Jenson going over to exchange a few words with his wife and Seb wondered what they were saying. Jenson wasn't due to be behind the wheel for the start so perhaps they were a little more relaxed, though Jenson always seemed to have the knack of looking relaxed almost all the time. The coverage was discussing how his car had a chance at retaining the title as well today and how the team might handle that. You couldn't tell from Jenson's expression if he was worried about it, though Seb was sure that he wanted it. He'd exchanged texts with both of them, more with Jessica than Jenson. Jess had suggested that she thought it would be okay for him to be there, but Sebastian, much as he liked her, didn't think she quite understood how complicated it was for them. Perhaps they might be okay in Bahrain, but it was bound to attract unwelcome attention from the media and it wouldn't be fair on Mark to have to put up with that. No it just couldn't be.

Sebastian let out the longest sigh and gave the dogs another rub. It wasn't fair. He tried not to be jealous of their friends but it was hard not to be. All Seb wanted was to give his husband a hug and watch him from the back of the garage just like Jess. Why did the world have to make life difficult for them? Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment to try to push those thoughts aside. It did no good, and feeling hard done by was only going to make him miserable. It wasn't Jess and Jenson's fault that they could have what he and Mark couldn't. It wasn't their fault that they would never entirely understand how it was for them. Maybe there was no way anyone could who hadn't been through it themselves?

 

The coverage cut to show teams sending the cars out to head around to the grid and Seb refocussed himself, pushing all other thoughts aside. He gave the dogs another rub to cheer himself up, then as they responded he smiled.

“Go on then. Sit with me if you like,” he offered, patting the sofa beside him.

Shadow and Simba immediately jumped up and leaned into Sebastian, so he stroked over their fur to calm himself. So he couldn't be there? That was just how it was. He'd talked to Mark. He'd said what he needed to say and Mark seemed okay. Seb knew he was going to have enough to deal with nervously watching this race without getting his brain tangled up with the injustices of the world he could do nothing about.

“Oh look, look, there he is,” pointed out Sebastian.

He stared at the screen to see Mark lining the car up in its spot and continued the stroke the dogs without even realising he was doing it. Seb hardly knew how he was going to get through the whole six hours of this. His anxiety was already spiking and they hadn't even started yet. He puffed out a slow breath, telling himself the same thing he had told Mark; Whatever happened it would be fine. It wouldn't really change anything, but oh how he wanted Mark to win. World champion; to Seb's mind nobody deserved it more. It would do something to rectify his loss in 2010 and show everyone how amazing Mark was. Hopefully then he would be given the respect he was owed.

Sebastian looked down to the dogs who had settled either side of him.

“He just deserves it so much.” Sebastian sighed. “Ach and I'm talking to you again.” Seb huffed a laugh and shook his head. “Just think good thoughts boys. Think good thoughts.”

It was all any of them could do from home.  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark sat in the car, listening in on the radio as they ran through a few final checks to be sure that everything was operating properly and they were all set. He closed his eyes for a moment to shut out all the activity going on around him and concentrated on what he needed to do; How to get the start right, the angle he should take into the first corner, hopefully leading the field ready to push on to get a decent gap at the front. That was the ideal scenario. Mark knew racing was rarely that simply. He just had to be prepared for everything and above all else keep the car in the race.

  
  


Before either of them knew it Mark was leading the slow formation lap as all the cars trailed around the track, coming back round to the start, all eyes on the five red lights ready to go out.

Back home Sebastian perched on the edge of his seat, trying and failing to stay calm. He did some slow breathing and unconsciously stroked his hand over Simba's fur.

Lights out and both their heart-rates rocketed as Mark put his foot down and shot off, cars weaving behind him as they jostled for position. Mark eyes were on the corner ahead and though he could see how close the chasing cars were coming up as he began to brake one of the Audi leapt up the inside and Mark was left with the choice of crashing into him or going around the outside. It was a sharp bend into turn one and with further to go Mark struggled to stay alongside the other car. He knew that with the second corner coming up in his favour if he could just keep the line and keep the other car from cutting in ahead, the advantage would revert to him. Mark pressed on, fighting wheel to wheel as they continued, but though he stayed alongside into turn two, he couldn't get ahead, and by the third turn which was in the other car's favour as it veered right, Mark was slipping behind.

The Audi leapt into the lead and though Mark chased him down the straight there were already warnings coming over the radio from the team and he had to remind himself that the race could not be won here, only lost. As they reached the end of the straight Mark schooled himself to think of the bigger picture; just under six hours left to run. They had to be there in the fight to win the championship. Second would still do it. If he crashed fighting for first place that would end all their hopes and the team would not be impressed with him. Neither would Mark reflect well on it himself. Caution had to be the better part of valour today. He made no dives down the inside as the Audi had done and instead tucked in behind, settling for following and making sure that at least he held that second place. Steady running, that was what was required of him. Long way to go.

  
  


Sebastian sat back a fraction, puffing out a breath. He was torn between feeling relieved that Mark was continuing on safely and feeling frustrated that he had lost out on the lead in that little battle. The commentators were by contrast sounding thrilled to have such an exciting start, already talking up the race as likely to be one of the best of the season. Certainly much hung apon it.

Second was okay though. Mark just had to hold that and keep going. There was no way either of them were going to be able to relax until the chequered flag fell.

Mark continued on pushing, knowing that the sister Porsche was not far behind. He might not want to tangle too dangerously with the car ahead, but he didn't want people to get the impression he was playing things _too_ safe today. There were no team orders not to race today, only not to be stupid and clash too much. With both of the cars potentially in with a chance of the title neither group of drivers wanted to be the one to ruin things either for themselves or even the other car as that was the fastest way to become very unpopular with management. That said, if there was a safe overtake in view Mark knew the other Porsche would take it, just as he would. So he kept his foot down, kept pushing, kept concentrating on each corner with the lead car kept in sight and the one behind kept far enough back that he was safe for now.

  
  


On the television the commentary sounded a little disappointed that the race at the front had calmed down and switched their attention to the battle in LMP2. Sebastian rubbed a hand through his hair and watched the information scrolling at the bottom of the screen to be sure that nothing was changing with the LMP1s while he couldn't see them. When they weren't showing them it usually meant there was nothing to see, but Seb was constantly anxious that any moment the screen might rapidly cut back to show something terrible had happened. He paused stroking the dogs and reached out to finally take a sip of his coffee, glad that it was black seeing as it was half-cooled already.

Maybe a stimulating drink wasn't the best of ideas when Seb was pretty hopped up already this afternoon, but the distraction was useful. He nearly regretted it when the commentator's voice shot up announcing a crash and Seb almost spilt his drink all over himself, but as the cameras showed two cars piled into one another at the side of the track he was relieved to see it was a couple of GT cars and not Mark. Moments later he spotted his Porsche pass the scene, but the full course yellows had been thrown and all the cars were travelling safely through at a more sedate speed. Seb felt a little guilty at being so glad it was drivers other than Mark who had crashed, but as they climbed out and walked away Sebastian felt better. The race was neutralised for a while until the damaged cars could be retrieved and sent back to the garages and Seb had to admit, if only to himself, that he wouldn't be unhappy if the whole race ran like this.

  
  


In the car Mark wasn't entirely of a different opinion. He preferred proper racing to the dull procession behind a safety car, but today they just needed to get to the end of the race and anything that preserved their position was a help. Thus he wasn't too disappointed when the period went on for some time before the announcement came through from race control that the safety car was coming in and full course yellow flags would be lifted in five, four, three, two, one...

He slammed his foot down on the accelerator knowing everyone else would be doing the same. Mark had half a thought of seeing if there was an opportunity in front to sneak back ahead whilst at the same time keeping an eye on the car behind, hoping he could trust a fellow Porsche driver not to pull any kind of kamikaze move on him.

Sebastian didn't notice the way his hands had balled into tight fists on his knees, the knuckles forced white as he watched to see what happened. The lead cars were going around the long sweep between turns ten and eleven and Mark was so close behind the Audi that Seb was sure they must touch as they concertinaed into the bend, but as the track opened up onto the last straight it pulled away and Mark was left in the same position as before; chasing and being chased and never letting up.

  
  


  
  


  
  


By the time Mark's stint at the wheel was done he felt he had to count himself lucky that he had managed to hold that second place. They might only need to be on the podium to take the championship, but if they slipped to third it would be all too easy to fall to fourth and that would be an end of all their hopes. Driving while the sun was setting at the same time as having to negotiate his way through traffic was no easy task, even before Mark thought about actually racing for position. Just holding where he was had to be enough for now.

He climbed out of the cramped doorway as fast as he could to allow Brendon to take his place and took a moment to adjust to being in the garage before pulling his helmet off, glancing out again to see the car zooming off from the pit to continue racing. Mark spotted a camera and gave a little wave to let those who cared about him know all was well before getting back to business as he spoke with the team.

 

Seb waved back and huffed a laugh as the dogs jumped up off the sofa and ran to the television, only to be disappointed as Mark disappeared from the screen to be replaced with looping race cars once more.

“C'mere,” he beckoned.

The dogs came back over, looking perplexed. Sebastian gave them both a good rub behind the ears to cheer them up.

“He's busy isn't he? Just us for now boys. Come on, I'm gonna grab a fresh coffee.”

With a look to the television to be sure he wasn't missing anything, Sebastian nipped into the kitchen, phone in his pocket just in case Mark should ring, though he knew it was unlikely. He made his coffee while the dogs took the opportunity to get their own drink before following Seb back into the lounge. Sebastian sat down, his eyes immediately on the television to check there had been no change. There were several teams beginning to pit so the field was a little juggled up and Seb was concerned to see Brendon out of position, but as things re-arranged themselves he was back in second, then when the Audi came in he actually re-took the lead. Seb smiled to himself as he finally took a drink. He knew it could all change, but for now things looked good.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Over the next couple of hours the race slipped back and forth with pitstops and cars faltering. By the time Mark got back in the car they were in third place, but as he headed out onto the track Mark knew that the sister car was due to pit before too long and he would regain the place. With that knowledge he focussed on safely negotiating lower category cars as he went on around, working to the deltas set by the engineers to preserve fuel and make sure he made the stint he needed to. It was dark now, or at least it would be were it not for the thousand lights illuminating the race track in the desert. It was actually easier to drive in these conditions than at twilight. At least you knew what to expect, the run-offs that fell into darkness could be a little unnerving, but Mark had no plans to venture there. Just keep it on the black stuff, keep going, stick to what you need to do and watch the minutes tick by.

It might not always be the most exciting form of racing if you weren't going toe-to-toe with a competitor, but there was no let up and there was a challenge in that. At no point did it actually become an easy task, though there were times when it was less hard. When you came on a straight with no cars in your way and you could put your foot down to feel the car stretch its muscles, taking the perfect line through a corner and pulling away with a sense of satisfaction that you were doing a good job, screetching to a halt in the pitbox to see the mechanics leap into action and performing a rapid pitstop for tyres and fuel before surging away again back on track and making the overtakes necessary to regain your position. All of this was good, though perhaps it wasn't quite the same as fighting for the lead. That wasn't his job today though, Mark knew that. At the foremost of everyone's mind at Porsche today was not winning the race, though that would be nice, it was the championship they were aiming at.

 

That wasn't always so easy to remember when you got caught up in the race itself. The leading Audi had pitted and when the other Porsche did the same Mark found himself running in the lead. Before long though he could see the Audi coming up on him, looming closer in the darkness as its headlights filled his mirrors. Even if he knew he had to be careful Mark didn't want to hand the position over on a plate, so for a few corners he worked to place the car so life was made difficult for them to try to get by, but as he came back along the pit straight the radio came through.

“Mark we need to take care not to use too much fuel.”

Mark sighed internally. He knew what the unspoken message was there: don't fight too hard, don't take too many risks. There was too much at stake here. He puffed a calming little breath and knew he had to obey.

“Sure,” he replied shortly.

His foot eased off the accelerator a fraction and the Audi nosed alongside, cutting to the right to line itself up for the upcoming corner. Just as he had at the start, Mark was left with no choice but to take the wider, slower line around the bend. He didn't want to roll over for them so Mark pressed on, but he couldn't go full out and that was enough to allow the Audi to speed away. It was frustrating, but Mark knew he had to think of the bigger picture.

 

What was more frustrating was when the second Porsche came up on him and Mark received another ominous message.

“The other car is on a different strategy. Please don't hold them up unnecessarily.”

'Don't hold them up' was the same thing as 'let them by'. Mark wanted to argue that this was quite clearly team order when Porsche had specifically said that wasn't what they were going to be doing. Then again Mark knew that it was true that they were running slightly different strategies and it wasn't as if he could outright flout an instruction. He waited until he was on the next straight and moved slightly to the side. Mark didn't slow down much. He still thought it was up to them to get by, but Mark didn't fight it and moments later he was back down in third place.

There was no time to sulk over it though. Mark needed to concentrate on his driving to overtake slower cars who were in his way. That required plenty of concentration even if the track was well lit. You never knew what idiotic thing another driver might do and Mark had too much experience of things going wrong to take these things lightly.

Another few laps passed, then a radio message came through that penalty had been handed out by race control. Mark had to listen to it being repeated twice, but he let out a little sigh of relief to hear that it was the other Porsche that had been handed a one minute stop and hold penalty for a pitstop infringement. It wasn't clear what they had done wrong, but that didn't matter. You couldn't argue these things. Mark knew a minute would feel like an eternity and he tried not to be too happy that it meant he was handed second place back after having to give it away.

As the other car pulled into the pits to serve their punishment, Mark continued on. He was still obediently driving with a level of restraint so there was no hope of catching the Audi up to fight for the lead, but Mark kept going on through the night.

Such were the vagueries of Endurance racing though that only quarter of an hour after one of the Porsches had run into trouble, Mark was informed that the Audi was in difficulties. It had slowed right down and within a half lap Mark was driving clean past. He was back in the lead while the Audi limped around to the pits for its team to see if they could find out what the fault was and fix it to get the car back out again. Even if they did though, the car would have a long way to fight back and Mark was being given a clean run. Without even pushing all that hard he was cruising at the front.

  
  


Back home Sebastian sat with a broad smile on his face. Mark was winning. They might only be two-thirds of the way through the race, but things were looking good. As Mark reached the end of his stint and was called into the pits to handover to Brendon once more Seb almost let himself relax. Unless anything peculiar happened now Mark was done with driving, having taken his two turns at the wheel. Seb watched as Mark was shown removing his helmet and cowl, ruffling hand through his hair as he spoke with the engineers and seemed to let out a little sigh of relief himself. Sebastian knew he must be relieved to have done his bit. All Mark could do now was try to support the team as best he could and wait to see how things turned out. Still nearly two hours to go.

  
  


  
  


  
  


Mark hung around in the garage after he had finished debriefing the engineers on his stint. There wasn't much more for him to do unless he should be called on, but there was always that possibility and with so much hanging on today he didn't want to go far. He nipped to the loo, then when he returned Mark checked things were still going okay before looking for his bag stashed away at the back to have a quick look at his phone. Brendon was still going well at the front with Jenson now catching up behind in the other Porsche. The Audi that had been leading was the one in shared contention for the championship and he couldn't be too cut up about the fact they were still in the garage while their team frantically worked on repairing it. One of the Toyotas now made up third position, though they were a full lap down.

It was a mistake to ever get too comfortable in Endurance racing but Mark felt he was okay to at least take his eye off things while he had a look at his messages.

SEB: Going great Liebling. When are you in next?

SEB: Guess that would be now then ;)

SEB: I know you probably wont get to read this, but good luck x

SEB: The lead! Brilliant :) You did fantastic on your stint. The boys & I are applauding.

 

Mark huffed a silent laugh, though he felt a little guilty Seb had been texting and he had ignored him until now.

MARK: I didn't know the dogs could applaud. I suspect that's more impressive than being handed the lead of a race. It is good tho, but we've a way to go. I kinda want to keep a close eye on things. Hope you dont mind too much me not calling.

Mark knew Sebastian had his phone right there as a message bounced straight back.

SEB: Course not. It's fine. You're working. Everything crossed for you xox

Mark smiled.

MARK: Thanks sweetheart. Love you x

SEB: Love you too xox

 

Mark looked back up to see that the sister Porsche had encroached slightly on Brendon's lead. He presumed they were pushing hard to make up for time lost with that penalty. He went to get a radio-set on so he could listen in to the calls, wondering if they were being asked to let them by or if one car was pushing while the other went steady. Nobody liked team orders, but if the other car won and they came second in this race Mark's car would still take the championship so he wasn't going to get too worked up about it. He watched the screens for a few minutes, then looked back to his phone again.

DAD: Good stuff son. Your mum is on her 3rd coffee staying awake. Dont suppose we can relax yet.

MARK: Nope. Sorry Dad, we're got to tough this one out. Hi to Mum.

 

FABIAN: They totally made you move over. I always think that's stupid. Glad you're back in the lead now. Karma ;)

Mark gave a little shake of his head. His young brother-in-law might be missing some of the finer nuances of racing, but he couldn't completely disagree.

MARK: Cheers mate. Not counting any chickens yet.

  
  


He didn't want to spend the entire time staring at his phone, so Mark went to put his phone away, stopping for a chat with Jess telling her that Jenson seemed to be doing a great job making up lost time before going back to peer over the shoulders of the engineers. Jenson was definitely much closer now. Mark caught the eye of one of them and they both pulled one ear of their headphones off to talk.

“What's going on?” enquired Mark.

The engineer frowned.

“Not sure.”

Mark was suddenly alarmed. The last thing you wanted was your engineers not being sure of anything.

“Is there a problem?”

The engineer didn't answer. Instead she put her headphone back in place and spoke into the mouthpiece.

“Brendon are you experiencing any issues?”

The radio came through after a short pause.

“Dunno. It's weird. I'm getting a bit of a power lag,” Brendon related.

Mark had a sinking feeling. The engineers were all consulting, talking to the pitwall and the driver, reading the data screens looking for an explanation before one of them pointed at something and spoke rapidly in German which Mark struggled to follow. He could read the tone of voice though and something about the hybrid engine. Bollocks. Mark wished he hadn't smiled at Fabian's comment about karma. A minute later Brendon was back on the radio and Timo had come to join them, all anxiously listening in.

“Shit. Guys are you getting this?” asked Brendon. “There's like a stuttering. I put the pedal down and it's not smooth at all. Something's wrong.”

Mark looked to Timo and the pair of them pulled pained faces. The engineers were asking Brendon to try things, trying to find an on-track fix, but a minute later the pitwall was calling the car in before things got worse and potentially stranded the car out on track where he would be beyond any help. Before long everyone was clearing space in the garage and the Porsche was in the pitlane, pulling up to a stop before the mechanics wheeled it in and began swarming all over it, looking for the problem and the solution.

  
  


At home Sebastian sat on the edge of the sofa, his hands clamped either side of his head.

“Oh no no no!”

Seb peered in as the camera showed the mechanics opening up the car to work on it. Of course there was no way he could tell what was going on and the commentary was no help as it merely speculated as to whether Porsche might be able to fix whatever the issue was. He let out a long sigh and found his phone on the coffee table. Seb looked at the screen again and could see Mark in the background so he knew he wouldn't answer, but Sebastian wanted to do something, at least say something. If he couldn't really help at least he could be supportive. He wrote a text. Even if Mark didn't read it now at least if he saw it later he would know Seb cared.

SEB: Oh Liebling I've everything crossed for you. If you want to talk, call me, but don't worry if not. I know your guys are great. I just hope they can fix it.

No reply came, but then he wasn't really expecting one. Not right now. Seb kept half an eye on the screen and replied to a message he got from his brother instead, trying to reassure him in much the same terms. It did help a little to remind himself that all wasn't lost.

Not yet.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Needless to say, this is a two parter, let me know when you're caught up if you can and I'll push on with the next bit.


	183. Going The Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, part two, where we see how the race and Mark's championship chances fare.  
> This took a little long than intended as I've had a horrid cold, sorry.

 

* * *

  
  


So far Brendon was remaining sat in the car while they worked in the hope that they could do a quick fix and get going again with the minimum loss of time. Despite the frantic work of the mechanics to check everything and the engineers going over the readings to see if a clue might be found in the data, the minutes ticked away. Mark looked to the television screen and shook his head as he saw that they had not only lost the lead, but now they were two laps down which meant there were another two cars ahead of them. Even if they could get back on track they would be in fourth place. Fourth was no good. If they couldn't get on the podium they were out of the running for the championship. It felt as though everything was slipping away as the sand drained down the egg-timer.

Mark didn't want to interrupt their efforts to ask how things were looking, but as he watched on it did seem as though the mechanics were now operating with more purpose. They were now huddled around one part of the engine, another couple of men crawled underneath the car, working like fury to do something, though he couldn't tell what. He frowned at Timo who was also peering in.

“Whatcha reckon?” enquired Mark.

Timo puffed a breath.

“Something's being replaced in there. Best let them get on with it.”

“Sure.”

Mark forced himself to stay out of the way while they worked, then Andreas was over by the chief mechanic, speaking to him before nodding, sticking his head into the car to speak to Brendon and finally coming to the other two drivers who both looked at him expectantly.

“It's the link to the cooling system,” he explained.

“Fixable?” asked Timo.

Andreas glanced back to the guys hard at work.

“Yes. Hopefully. Should get a new one in and then the turbo ought to be able to work properly. Otherwise it cuts out, but the fault was only partial. Another lap and it might have blown completely.”

Mark and Timo nodded, neither wanting to allow themselves to feel too relieved just yet. The team still had to ensure the replacement was fitted properly and then get the car back out on track before they would find out if it really was fixed and the same problem didn't reoccur. As Andreas went back to speak to the engineers they went around to the side where the car door was open so they could get a word with their team-mate without getting in the way of those working on the car.

“Andreas wants me to stay in so I can judge the difference,” Brendon explained, leaning over in his seat so they could hear him.

“Sure.”

“How far down are we?”

Timo went to look at the screen and came back.

“Three laps now. Fifth.”

All three of them looked at one another. A lot to make up and none of them could be sure now if the car was up to it. Mark shrugged.

“Right mate. Nothing to lose now. Just gotta go for it.”

“Yeah,” agreed Brendon.

Timo patted Mark on the arm and the saw the car being made ready to go again. They both gave Brendon an encouraging nod, then stepped back out of the way. Moments later the car was being rolled back out of the garage and every member of the Porsche team was crossing their fingers.

Brendon headed out, driving slowly out of the pitlane and back out onto the track. On the radio he was being asked to do a steady out-lap to test the car was in good working order, then assuming it was he would get the all-clear and then push like hell to try to make up as much lost ground as possible before coming back in to hand over to Timo for one last stint.

Everybody watched the screens, the cameras unsurprisingly focussing on the Porsche to see how it faired. Brendon was tentative at first, but as he made his way round he slowly built up. The engineers were hunched ever their screens, checking every reading before the call came through.

“Good our end. Brendon?”

“Yeah good. Right. Time to see what she's got,” he replied, flooring the throttle and pushing as hard as he dared.

  
  


The tension in the Porsche garage stayed high as they watched one Porsche fighting way down the field while the other ran right at the front. Behind the leader were both the Toyotas followed by an Audi, but it wasn't the same car which had been chasing them earlier. It had faced even worse trouble than the Porsche had and though it had eventually made it back out on track, it still remained another couple of laps further back with an even bigger job to try to work its way back up. In the Porsche garage all who could were watching the screens and hoping against hope that all wasn't lost.

Brendon did his best, but after twenty minutes he was called in to swap over to let Timo tackle the challenge with fresh energy. He had done well to make up one lap, but he couldn't work miracles. As he came over in the garage Mark gave him a pat on the back.

“Good work mate.”

Brendon shrugged.

“Still fifth.”

“Closer fifth,” noted Mark. “Did what you could.”

“Mm. Right. Gotta have a word.”

Brendon walked away to speak to the engineers and Mark was left twiddling his thumbs. He went to the back and spoke with Jess for a moment as she waited for Jenson who was due to jump out from his stint any moment. As the other car pulled up Mark waited to give his friend a word of praise for his good run keeping his Porsche in the lead, then left the pair of them to go find his bag.

On the screen he could see that Timo was now on the same lap as the car ahead but he wasn't anywhere close to overtaking so Mark though he could risk stepping away. He set down his radio head-set and grabbed his phone to step out the back. He read Seb's message, smiling at his attempted positivity, then sent a text to a few of his loved ones watching telling them that the car was doing good and they just had to keep pushing, before deciding he'd rather talk to the most important person in his life than text him.

 

Mark slipped out of the back, waiting to check no one was around before pressing dial. Sebastian snatched up his phone to answer it the moment it rang.

“Liebling. Are you okay?”

“Hey sweetheart. Yeah just... I dunno. I'm fine. I just needed a moment away from staring at the screen waiting to see if anything's gonna happen.”

Sebastian nodded. He still had his own eyes fixed on the television.

“You're not missing anything at the moment. They're showing the LMP2s right now.”

“Right. Yeah actually sweetheart do let me know if I need to go back in.”

“Where are you?”

“Just out back.”

“Okay. Yeah I'll let you know.” Sebastian pushed out a long breath, trying to think what to say. “It's good they fixed the car so quickly.”

“Yeah course. Though frankly it felt like forever,” Mark pointed out.

“Mm, yeah I'm sure.”

Mark sighed and leaned back against the garage wall.

“I know it's good we're back out there,” he confirmed, though his voice didn't carry a lot of confidence. “Just, I dunno... Fifth.”

“There's an hour and a half left yet,” argued Seb. “Well, nearly. Still plenty of time.”

“Mm.”

“Anything could happen. Timo's doing good. You're only two laps down. The Audi is coming up and they're not doing anything like the pace you guys are.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and Sebastian pouted.

“Is it stupid to say that? I know it must be frustrating.”

“Oh no. Sorry darling I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing at me. I made that stupid comment about pep talks and now the joke's on me cos I'm in need of one right now.”

“Oh Liebling.”

“I'm not kidding. I just... I don't know.”

“Mark you know what Endurance is like, what all racing is like. Anything can happen.”

“I know.”

“So... I don't know Liebling you just have to keep going.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I think it's the fact I'm not in the car making it harder.”

“Yeah I'm sure,” agreed Seb. “Well. You just have to hang on and see what happens. I'm sure Timo and all the team are doing all they can.”

“Yeah me too.”

“Well then.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Is there anything you can do to help?” enquired Sebastian.

“Not really.”

“Well... You just have to stick it out Mark. I'm sorry if that's not helpful.”

“No it's okay. It's helpful just to hear your voice.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thanks. I wish I could offer some kind of great advice Liebling.”

“It's fine.”

“You're in fifth,” continued Seb. “You only need to make up two spots.”

“Mm.”

“That Audi's getting closer. I'd have thought you could get past him,” noted Seb.

Mark smiled at Seb still referring to the car as being driven by him, even when he wasn't in it.

“Yeah. Anything in sight yet?”

“Not quite. Closer though. I'll let you know if you need to go see.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Thanks, early warning system appreciated.”

“No problem. You're okay yet. They're showing the other Porsche. It's just retaken the lead.”

“Ah. Probably should have watched that.”

“Sorry. They just cut to it,” apologised Seb.

“I wasn't blaming you. It's fine sweetheart. Yeah we should get fourth, it's third we need though.”

“I know. Well...” Sebastian looked at the timings scrolling along the bottom of the screen, trying to work out the gaps. “I think that's another half lap to the Toyota in fourth.”

Mark nodded. He knew this, though unfortunately he also knew that whilst making ground on the Audi which was lagging was easier than catching the two Toyotas who had picked up their pace considerably from earlier in the race. Only thing to do was to keep trying and keep hoping it was possible, like Seb said.

“Okay well I guess I'd better go see,” decided Mark. “Thanks for the pep, and I'm not teasing there darling. I mean it.”

“That's okay. You go. I'm here if you need me.”

“You always are. Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling. Good luck.”

“Cheers. Hi to the boys.”

“Say hi to Mark,” prompted Seb, looking at the dogs and getting them to bark.

Mark chuckled, feeling cheered up by all his supporters back home.

“Thanks. Keep your fingers crossed for us.”

“I've had them crossed all afternoon,” assured Seb.

“Good to know. Well, bye for now.”

“Bye Liebling. All to play for.”

“Cheers.”

Mark hung up, took a deep breath and went back in to see what happened next.  
  


  
  


He returned to the garage, eyes instantly on the screens to see that Timo was closer still on the Audi in front. Mark found his radio headset and listened in as they all waited and watched the Porsche getting nearer and nearer until it was within touching distance and Timo was plainly looking for the right spot to jink to the side, slipping along and then passing the car in fifth to the delight of the team. The garage burst out in applause, Mark joining in and nodding in approval.

Back home Sebastian was applauding loudly too and though the dogs couldn't really join in they did sit up to see what all the fuss was about, barking as they spotted their master on screen. Seb smiled and though he knew Mark would probably have put his phone away, he sent a text.

SEB: Boom. Fourth. One down, one to go. Over an hour left Liebling.

His phone buzzed and for a moment Sebastian hoped it might be Mark, but it was his brother.

FABIAN: Ha, that looked easy.

Seb shook his head.

SEB: It might look it, but it's not. Still over a minute to make up to get onto the back of the Toyota.

FABIAN: Rocket booster time! ;)

Sebastian coughed a laugh. If only.

  
  


In the car Timo pushed on, but he couldn't afford to go flat-out the entire time or they would use too much fuel. With over an hour left they were due to pit only once more and if he went too hard that would ruin their strategy and lose them more time in the pits. It was a lose-lose. Mark listened along with the rest as his team-mate asked for advice and went at at the prescribed speed, trying to creep up the field by small accumulations, losing as little time as possible passing slower cars and driving tidily through the bends to minimise braking. Mark knew how hard it was to keep on with such a task when there seemed so little evidence of the good it was doing them, but they all had to trust the team.

On television the coverage flashed up that they had reached the final hour and started reviewing all that had gone on in the race so far and what it meant in terms of who was where and how it affected the standings. Right now the other Porsche sat in the lead would win the championship unless Timo moved up that one crucial spot. Mark knew that the team would be happy whichever car won, but he didn't believe for a moment that they would deliberately hold either car back to let the other win. Their job was to put both cars in as good a position as possible. Not only was it the fairest thing to do, but the lead Porsche could hit trouble and then everything would be turned around. If they had left Timo languishing in fifth to concentrate on the lead for the other, only for them to crash or hit mechanical difficulties, all the team would have achieved would be that neither took the championship.

So both cars did what they had to. The lead Porsche went steadily at the front, keeping a safe distance from the Toyota behind it while the other Porsche slowly clawed its way through to try to gain on the other Toyota holding fourth. On television they kept cutting from the two sets of cars to the two garages, showing the teams with concentrated faces, nobody giving too much away. There was a little graphic of the circuit on screen showing dots with numbers alongside to represent the cars on track and Mark puffed a breath to see how far back Timo still was. Time was ticking by; fifty-five minutes left, fifty, forty-five. Damn. At this rate they'd be needing to come in for that last pit-stop and though the other cars needed to do the same it would lose them time.

 

Mark was just listening to the back and forth on the radio debating when they should come in to pit for the last time when something happened on screen and everyone swung to look. Mark pulled a face as two LMP2 cars were shown slamming into one another at the far corner, one spinning around to face the wrong way while the other bounced off track. Everybody tensed up as they saw that Timo was coming around to lap them. They held their breath as he only narrowly avoided getting tangled up in the incident as the track was suddenly filled with out of control cars depositing debris in their path. Somehow Timo threaded the needle and was through, the engineers rapidly checking he had suffered no damage to the car while everyone else let out a sigh of relief.

“It feels fine,” reported Timo sounding remarkably calm. “How are the pressures?”

“Good,” reported one of the engineers. “No sign of punctures.”

The sound of the race director cut in saying that full course yellows had been declared and that there was a virtual safety car in place while they recovered the cars and cleared the track. On screen the two drivers were shown walking away from their abandoned cars while other cars picked their way through.

“In this lap please,” came the request from the pitwall.

 

Thirty seconds later the Porsche was pulling up for its final pit-stop, everyone who was not involved in the action frantically trying to work out how much time this bought them while everyone on track was running at a considerably slower speed. Forty seconds maybe? It depended if everyone else did the same thing and how long the yellow flags stayed out. The other Porsche which had further to go came in less than a minute after Timo, the pitwall deciding that they should throw in all their chips on this gamble. The Audis pitted too, but the Toyotas held out, waiting perhaps to see if an actual safety car was called, or perhaps judging that they were better off taking the lead in the race while the other were in the pits.

Then as the other cars came back out, Toyota seemed to change their mind. The TV was showing the stricken cars from the crash being removed and the marshals removing the thankfully chunky parts strewn on track, so it became increasingly apparent that no actual safety car would be forthcoming. As the Toyota pitwall changed tack and hurriedly called their drivers in, the two Porsches took the top two spots. Admittedly Timo was still over a lap down on the first Porsche, but it was still ahead of the Audis.

Moments later the radio announced the countdown for the end of full course yellows and the end of the virtual safety car period. The Toyotas had stacked their cars and though the first was back out just as the field began running at full-speed once more, the second car was still sat stationary while the mechanics tried to get everything going to do a second pit-stop in quick succession.

Seb watched on television, reflecting once more on how slow WEC pit-stops seemed in comparison to F1 due to the restrictions on personnel; each tyre going on in turn after the fuel was topped up, the mechanics racing around, but unable to go any faster than they could.

The first Toyota came out on the same lap as the lead Porsche, though some way back. The second Toyota however was stuck in the pits watching everything slip away. Timo was pushing as hard as he dared to close up onto the lead lap and everyone who could was watching to see where the Toyota now came out.

Mark held his breath as under all the lights his car was shown coming up along the long pit-straight, the car on full power as the Toyota was restricted to pit-lane speed as it drove up towards the exit back onto the track. Two sets of headlights, each car aiming for the same spot, each desperately hoping to come out ahead. The Toyota reached the pitlane exit in front of the Porsche, but as it went into the sharp first corner the Porsche carried its momentum to go around the outside and shot on ahead while the Toyota was still trying to build up speed.

The Porsche garage burst into cheers. Third. That was third! Mark pulled his fist in and his face told the story as he hissed _'yesss!'_ under his breath.

  
  


Sebastian had been sat so close to the edge of the sofa as he watched that he would have fallen off but for the fact he leapt up in celebration, whooping happily and unable to stop himself doing a little hopping dance of joy. The television showed Timo continuing to pull away whilst the Toyota fought to reach race speed and Seb clapped his hands.

“Go go go!” he cheered, feeling more joy in watching someone else racing, someone not even Mark (though he knew that effectively it _was_ him), than Seb could remember.

Seb sat back down and calmed himself even as the television commentary was still excitedly discussing how this turned the championship on its head yet again. Seb didn't need telling. He knew what hung on this and as he tried to remind himself that there was still over half an hour to go Seb could feel his heart pounding. It wasn't likely to slow until every last minute of that counter at the top of the screen ran out.

Sebastian felt as though he was going through every bit of torment those in the garage endured as they watched the running in the dark, each lap counting off against the time which whittled ever closer to zero. Mark was stood next to Brendon, his hand on his team-mate's shoulder, their faces tense.

This race just needed to be over. Every radio call broadcast felt like potential disaster even when it was only advice on how best to manage things and reassurance that they had pulled away from the Toyota in fourth. Sebastian found himself pacing up and down in front of the television, mentally begging time to go faster.

The top four cars were all on the same lap, but the gaps between them were such that no one really was close enough to push for position. Mark stood watching the timings, counting every difference to compare just as the engineers were to see if there were any significant changes. He wondered if it mattered, even psychologically, that neither of the Toyotas were in with a sniff of the championship. Surely it meant that they were less likely to risk it all to get ahead, even if they would prefer both cars on the podium at the last race of the year.

  
  


Ten minutes to go now and they felt like the longest minutes that had ever been. Every overtake of back-markers felt a huge risk that they all had to hold their breath for. Timo came apon a couple of GT cars who were battling for the lead of their category and Mark wanted to scream at them to stop messing about and get out of the damn way. Their lower race surely didn't matter? But he knew it mattered to them and Mark was relieved to see Timo calmly hanging back enough to wait for things to settle before cutting through and heading on his way. Though Mark knew it was slightly unfair, he hoped the battle recommenced in time to hold up the Toyota when he reached them.

“Five minutes now Timo,” advised the pitwall to the car on the radio.

“Yep,” came the terse reply.

The in-car cameras showed his eyes wide as he focussed on the road and while the commentary re-started its talk of the championship Sebastian wondered what must be going through Timo's head. He must be tired, but at least he was in control of the outcome. As much as possible anyway. Seb could see from the shots in the garage that Mark and Brendon were as tense as he was, stuck watching and unable to do anything other than pray and wish the time away.

  
  


Andreas had gone to the garage and spoke to a few people quietly, attempting to calm nerves and perhaps distract himself from fretting. Seb saw him quite deliberately turn his back to the lurking cameras as he stood in front of Mark and Brendon.

“Two laps now,” stated Andreas.

Both Mark and Brendon nodded and Andreas nodded back.

“Whatever happens, you've worked hard for this. You've done a good job today.”

“Thanks mate,” replied Mark distractedly.

It felt like counting chickens to even consider the outcome yet, even if ninety-nine percent of the race was run.

The commentary on television was naturally doing exactly that and Sebastian thought he might have to press mute to get them to shut up and stop jinxing things.

One lap to go.

Seb was now stood in front of the television, about three feet away from the screen. The LMP1 cars looked magnificently futuristic all lit up racing in the darkness, but as the commentators also helpfully pointed out, with the top four all on the same lap, none of them could relax and enjoy these last few minutes.

The television screen flashed that the six hours had passed, but the cars still had to pass the finish line and Seb's heart was now beating so fast he could hear it in his ears. In his head there was a matching drum-beat as his brain pleaded; _'please, please, please!'_

  
  


Mark was gripping Brendon's shoulder so hard now that his team-mate tore his eyes from the screen and raised an eyebrow.

“Mate you're giving me a dead arm,” he complained good-naturedly.

“Oh, sorry.”

Mark let go and didn't know what to do with himself. He wished Seb was here so he could hold his hand, though no doubt he'd be squeezing that too hard as well. The lead Porsche was coming down the penultimate straight now, approaching the last corner before turning into the pit-straight and the waiting flag at the finishing line. The other car was still a way back, but the team wanted to celebrate the race win, so the mechanics started peeling off into the pitlane, grabbing up Porsche flags that the team suddenly 'just happened to have to hand' and racing off to find a gap in the pitlane fence to wave the winner home.

Mark applauded them, but his eyes didn't leave the screen as the coverage cut now to show not the Toyota in second who was now rounding that last bend, but the Porsche driven by Timo heading into the straight behind him. Mark knew his team-mate would be fighting the urge to hammer the throttle for that last run, listening on the radio as the engineer advised that the other Toyota in fourth was a safe distance back and he just needed to bring the car home. Just bring it home.

One more corner to go. Mark could hardly breathe. Seb was certain he had stopped breathing. Brake, turn, straighten up, foot down to the flag.

  
  


  
  


As the car crossed the line and the commentators announced the confirmation that they had won the world championship Sebastian finally sat back down on the edge of the sofa and let out a breath. The Porsche team were shown bursting into celebrations in the garage and the camera showed Mark getting a hug from one of the guys. Everyone was hugging everyone and Sebastian watched as Jess came from the back and gave Mark a hug too. She was there and he wasn't. It wasn't her fault, but it was so unfair it broke Seb's heart.

He should be there. Mark's moment of triumph and he wasn't there to share it with him. He wasn't there to hug him and kiss him and tell Mark how unbelievably proud he was of him. Sebastian picked up his phone and ignored the text coming in from his little brother to try ringing Mark's phone. He let it ring, but no answer came and Sebastian sighed as he knew that Mark's mobile would be safely stashed in a bag either at the back of the garage or back in his room. The camera cut to show the other cars coming over the line, then the winning cars heading to Parc Fermé. Porsche personnel were already heading there to greet them and Sebastian knew Mark would no doubt be heading to meet Timo before they went up to the podium.

Sebastian looked at his mobile phone. He didn't think he could leave a voice-mail in this emotional state so he wrote a text and stared at it a moment before pressing send.

SEB: Liebling I'm so proud of you. Congratulations. I love you so much. I can't wait to see you so I can give you a hug. If you get chance, call me, but it's okay if you're busy. This is your moment. Make the most of it. I don't know anyone who deserves it more. I'm so happy for you. XOX

He let out a shaky sigh and hoped he hadn't sounded too needy, but he really wished Mark would find time to call him. It was tempting to keep ringing his phone until he answered, but Mark would have so many things he needed to do. Not least of which was the podium ceremony coming up now.

 

Seb distracted himself for a moment replying to his brother's excited text, then sat staring at the screen as the drivers were shown assembling ready to go out. Even on television you could tell there was such an atmosphere in the pre-podium room. Mark and his team-mates were exchanging more hugs and over-excited chat about the race, the relief palpable that it had all come good.

Brendon made a joke about something and Mark huffed a laugh, then caught sight of the camera filming them. He gave a smile and waved to the lens, pausing a moment to think of his loved ones watching. Seb at home with the dogs, his parents and sister who he knew had sat up through the night to watch. Leanne had told him Ryan had begged to be allowed to stay up as well, though he suspected his sister hadn't allowed that. Maybe she would have let him get up early to watch the end? Fabian was watching as well, along with his parents and perhaps even the rest. So many people who made up his family now, but all far away.

The official came in and they were being swept off to the podium. Announcements and trophies, anthems and champagne. Posing for photographs and waving down to the team below. There weren't exactly hordes of fans watching, but that didn't matter. Fireworks went off in the now pitch dark sky and Mark looked up to them. They'd won. Not the race, that didn't matter, but the championship. They'd really won. They were world champions. Mark closed his eyes for a second, not wanting to let the feeling overwhelm him. As he re-opened his eyes Mark saw the camera on the podium homing in on him and he stood a little straighter and gave it a smile before shifting the trophy into his left hand. He looked into the lens as he put his free hand over his heart and mouthed the words Mark didn't feel he could say out-loud here.

“ _For you darling. For us._ ”

Maybe other viewers would be able to lip-read and maybe the team might prefer he didn't do anything like that, but right now Mark didn't care. He looked dead-ahead and thought how he was looking right into Seb's eyes at home.

  
  


What Mark didn't know was that was the point at which Sebastian completely lost it; sobbing his heart out sat alone on the sofa so very far away. He wasn't entirely alone though. Shadow and Simba pushed into him and Sebastian distractedly stroked over their fur, waiting until the LMP1 drivers left the podium to be replaced by lower division before Seb actually looked down to the dogs. He sniffled and wiped at his face.

“It's okay boys. I'm just happy. I'm just so happy for him.”

They looked up at him, seeming unconvinced and if Seb had really analysed how he truly felt, then he would have had to acknowledge that he wasn't entirely happy, not an uncomplicated happiness anyway. He so badly wanted to be there to throw his arms around Mark as he stepped off the podium. He wanted to have been there to applaud him from underneath along with the rest of the team, but that couldn't be. Cameras on Mark's husband would probably not be the publicity the team were wanting in that moment. It might not be illegal in Bahrain, but that didn't mean they were accepted there either. Sebastian closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down. It wasn't about him. This moment was about Mark. He should just be happy for him. He _was_ happy for him.

Sebastian took in a deep breath and dried his eyes.

“I'm really fine,” he assured the dogs. “I'm just a bit worked up. It's fine. He's done so well.”

He puffed the breath out and looked at the phone, willing it to ring.

  
  


  
  


Mark was swept along with the rest from the podium to the press conference, with no time to draw breath. He sat with his team-mates, each of them making sure that they took the opportunity to thank their team and pay tribute to all their hard work and dedication to get this result.

“The championship really is for all the team, everyone at Porsche,” asserted Mark, “the work they did today to get us onto the podium really is just another example of how brilliant they've been all year. I think I can speak for Timo and Brendon when I say we know how lucky we are to be a part of this team.”

His fellow drivers added their confirmation to that statement and Mark smiled out at the assembled press. They'd won. They'd really won. Not the race. That didn't matter. It was the championship that mattered. From now on he would always get to say he had been world champion. It would go down in the history books. For all Mark had worked to play down the importance of that, it did matter. He did feel it; elation mixed with a whole heap of relief.

 

The others answered more questions on the race and the season in general while Mark sipped his water and tried not to get overwhelmed. He still had a job to do. After this there would be more media, then going back to the garage to say thank you and do a little celebrating. Then he might actually get a moment to grab a shower and call his family. Mark wondered if they were showing this conference on TV. If Seb was watching. His parents. How proud they would be of him. He almost felt like crying at that idea, but Mark sat a little higher in his seat and smiled because if they were watching he wanted them to see that he was okay.

“Mark, does this championship feel like compensation for missing out on the F1 world championship back in 2010?”

Mark huffed a breath, way to bring a downer to the party.

“This championship feels pretty amazing mate. It's its own thing and it deserves to be held in that regard. I'm very pleased and proud to have achieved it with this group of drivers and this team.”

“Of course your husband won that title,” noted the journalist.

Mark gave him a wry smile. As if that little detail had escaped his notice?

“Yes and he deserved it. I fought hard that year but I didn't win. I fought hard this year along with these guys and we did. That's just the way it goes. Life is simpler when you look at it that way. From a personal point of view I couldn't have done what I needed to this year without the support of all my family, Seb especially. So make of that what you will. All I care about is that I have that backing.”

Another journalist spoke up;

“Are you glad you made the move to Endurance racing then Mark?”

“Absolutely. I was given a great opportunity and I couldn't be happier.”

“What would you say your primary emotion is right now?”

Mark smiled.

“Honestly mate, I'd say relief. It's not easy watching on just waiting to see what happens when there's nothing you can do to help. That last half hour or so was pretty tough, but we made it and yeah, I can't deny it's special. I'm just glad we brought it home today.”

The questions moved on and Mark reflected that was one of the benefits of team driving; you shared the load, not just in the car, but with the media too. Nearly done now, then out to give more sound-bites in the pen. He could do that. Oddly he didn't feel tired despite the fact it was nearly half ten at night. Mark wondered what the team would make of him referencing Seb, but then he hadn't brought it up. He decided not to care. He'd spoken the truth. If they couldn't get over that on a day like today then they never would.

  
  


  
  


It was a full twenty minutes before Mark finally got to peel his race-suit off and jump into a blissfully cool shower, before picking up his phone. There were so many missed calls and messages on there, but Mark knew he had to return his most important one first. He pressed dial and smiled as the call was answered almost as soon as it began ringing.

“Liebling, oh my goodness.”

“Hi sweetheart. Sorry it's taken a while.”

“That's okay. Oh Mark. You won. I'm so proud of you Liebling, so proud.”

Sebastian's voice caught and Mark felt a swell of emotion at that. He so badly wanted to hug Seb in tight, to kiss him and share this moment properly.

“Thank you. Are you alright darling?”

Sebastian nodded, but he was wiping away a tear.

“Yeah. I love you so much.”

Mark smiled.

“I love you too darling. I meant what I said, I couldn't do it without your support.”

Seb frowned slightly.

“When did you say that?”

“In the conference. Weren't you watching?”

“Oh. Sorry Liebling they didn't show it. Thank you though. I saw what you said on the podium.”

“Good. I'm glad they at least showed that.”

“How are you feeling?” enquired Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“All over the place if I'm honest. Pretty stoked of course, but I reckon knackered is only an hour away. I'll probably fall asleep mid-sentence hob-nobbing some VIP.”

Sebastian laughed too.

“Lovely phrasing Liebling. Have you got to go do that now then?”

“Yeah. Duty calls I'm afraid. They're making a little celebration so I could be a while.”

“Of course. You should make the most of it Liebling.”

“I don't think I'll be drinking too much. It'll go straight to my head after that champagne.”

“Oh well, it's nice they're making a fuss. You deserve it.”

“It's for the whole team,” argued Mark.

“Yes but you're world champion.”

Mark chose not to remind Seb of his team-mates and smiled.

“Yeah. Guess I am. Not a bad feeling.”

“You were amazing today.”

Mark chuckled. Seb's opinions were nothing if not biased, but it was nice to hear. Everyone could use their ego flattering now and again.

“Thanks sweetheart. I really appreciate your backing.”

“Of course. The dogs were watching too.”

“Naturally,” agreed Mark laconically. “Okay, well I'm sorry darling but I have to go. I'm gonna be busy so I don't know when we'll finish and if I'll get chance to call you back.”

“It's fine. Don't worry about it. You can just send me a text, let me know an ETA.”

“Righto. I can't wait to see you.”

“Me either. I can give you my proper congratulations then Liebling.”

“Oh? That does sound promising.”

“Mm.”

Mark chuckled.

“I'll be home as soon as I can.”

“Sure. Okay well enjoy the party.”

“Will do. Love you darling.”

“Love you too. See you tomorrow I guess.”

“Yeah, bye then.”

“Bye.”

 

Mark hung up and puffed a breath. Quick call to his parents. One to his sister. Send out a group text of thanks to the rest or he'd be here all night. Selfish as it might seem he really did want to make the most of this moment; to be seen to be playing for the team and doing all the follow-ups they wanted, saying all the right PR lines and making sure he was in their good books.

It was also genuinely nice to be able to say thank you to all those who worked so hard to give them this success. It wasn't just a line to say they couldn't do it without everyone playing their part. Plus it was nice just to enjoy the moment. Andreas and the other bosses got to address the team and Mark along with the others had chance to add their thanks and the applause they got in response really did feel special. Mark applauded them back and then it was all back slapping hugs and a more relaxed atmosphere as more champagne was popped.

He sipped it politely and kept a water bottle to hand to properly hydrate himself but Mark had been right in his prediction and by midnight he was flagging. No ducking out though. Mark knew the rules. He kept a smile on his face and worked the room, fitting in a few good genuine chats with his team-mates and Jenson, accepting a warm hug from Jess. He was glad that they could all support one another in a slightly less cut-throat atmosphere than there had been in F1.

“Your turn I guess,” grinned Jenson as he clinked his glass against Mark's. “I'll have to claim it back next year.”

Mark smiled and nodded, not commenting that there was a chance he wouldn't be there to contest it next season. Thankfully Jenson appeared to have forgotten that fact too as he seemed to have had a fair bit more champagne than Mark had. It didn't matter though. The Porsche base was jubilant with their repeated win and more than a few drinks were being consumed. Mark wanted to enjoy it, but he had no intention of arriving home with a hangover.

As the room moved around Mark took just a moment to himself to watch on. He let out a long breath and saw everyone swirling around, drinking and joking, plenty of media about joining in and being made welcome to hopefully keep them sweet. Mark set his drink down and decided he was done with even sipping it now. Maybe he was just tired? The idea of leaving and crawling straight into bed sounded pretty good right now. He could snuggle up to Seb, get that hug he longed for and then just sleep.

 

“Mark, how're you doing?”

Mark swung around to see his boss had appeared at his elbow.

“Hm? Oh yeah good mate, yeah.”

“Did Oliver speak to you?”

“Sorry?”

“About Wednesday.”

Mark looked at him blankly and Andreas smiled.

“I'll take that as a no. Okay well we're still firming things up seeing as it's late, but it's looking like Wednesday for the event at the base in Stuttgart. Bit more of this, make the most of the media, that sort of thing.”

“Oh right, sure.”

“You are free aren't you?” checked Andreas. “You're not due to go off with Seb anywhere?”

“No mate. Abu Dhabi, so I'm not going.”

“Ah right.” Andreas paused, wondering if he ought to sympathise in some way, but he decided it was best to push on. “So you can make it?”

“Of course. Yep, just let me know the details and I'll be there.”

“We thought we'd give people a chance to get home, recover a bit and come back fresh.”

“Sure, sounds good. Should I go find him, let him know?” checked Mark.

“Um, yes might be an idea. I think we'll be finishing up soon.”

“Great. I mean...” Mark coughed a laugh. “Sorry mate.”

“No no. Long day for all of us. I for one am looking forward to my bed,” smiled Andreas.

“Ah well, yeah. I'm flying home though.”

“Right away?”

“Yeah. I just want to get back, you know.”

Andreas nodded.

“Well check in with Oliver and as I say, I think we'll be done and you can be on your way.”

“Thanks.”

“And if I don't see you, well done again,” smiled Andreas.

“Thanks mate, and for all your support.”

“Course. Well if I don't see you, until Wednesday.”

“Yeah. I'll be there.”

Andreas gave him a nod and they both went on their way. Mark went to find the head of PR to let him know he was free on Wednesday and to check he would be in touch to arrange the details, then after exchanging some goodbyes he finally made his exit, heading back to his room to gather his belongings. As he checked his watch Mark saw that it was gone two am. God, no wonder he was tired. At least he could sleep on the flight. It would be a bit rubbish to be alone, but the journey would go quicker if he slept. Mark sent Seb a quick text as was about to set off.

MARK: Hey sweetheart, just leaving. Think ETA somewhere around 7-8 tmw, so I'll see you in the morning. Hope I didn't wake you x

Sebastian had indeed just given up waiting on Mark maybe calling him back and climbed into bed seeing as it was gone eleven back home in England. He rolled over as he heard his phone and read the message before sending a reply.

SEB: Ok, that'll give me something nice to wake up to. Have a safe flight. Love you

Mark smiled.

MARK: Love you too. Can't wait to get home.

SEB: I can't wait to see my world champion ;)

Mark chuckled and put away his phone to make himself get going. He could re-read that text a few times on his way home.

Sebastian waited to see if there was a further reply, then put the phone down on the pillow and rolled back over. If he slept Mark would be here and though he had done nothing more than watch and worry, he felt quite wrung out by the day and it took only a few minutes before he dropped off.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


When Mark got home it was still dark. It was approaching seven am, but it was Sunday so the roads were almost entirely empty even before he reached the usually quiet lanes near their house. He let himself in and ditched his bags, coat and shoes in the hall. Mark heard a noise from the kitchen and guessing it was the dogs who had heard his arrival, he quickly went through to see them, partly to say hello and have a nice affectionate greeting, but mostly to try to quiet them before they woke Seb.

Other than that there had been no signs of life, no lights on, no sound from upstairs, so Mark was assuming Seb was asleep. He didn't want to disturb him. Mark had spent the latter part of his journey home plotting how he would get to wake Seb rather more gently than just galumphing in, maybe with a kiss, maybe he'd just sit with him for a while until Seb woke naturally? These were the silly things that had occupied his brain while he sat stupidly wide awake while travelling home despite the fact he was tired. Mark had simply been too wired from the race to settle on his own. He was hoping Seb wouldn't mind an extra-long catch up in bed this morning.

He ducked down with the dogs in the kitchen, the door shut behind him, giving them a rub and shushing their over-excitement at seeing him.

“Shhh, shh-shh boys, don't wake Seb,” he cautioned. “Yes I'm happy to see you too.”

Mark huffed a quiet laugh as they fought for his attention, both of them pushing into his hand for strokes.

“Daft things, I've only been gone a few days.”

Mark re-filled their water and gave them some breakfast. Once they were distracted by that he stood up and looked out of the kitchen window for a moment, seeing the dawn just beginning to creep across. There was a creaking noise and Mark turned around to see Sebastian walking in. He smiled at the sight of him looking so damn adorable in his pyjamas as he shuffled into the room; his blonde hair mussed-up and his eyes half-closed until Seb's sleepy brain took in that it really was Mark stood there and not his imagination fulfilling his wishes.

“Mark!”

Sebastian shot forwards as he woke up in a hurry. Mark stepped in as Seb threw his arms around his neck, kissing him with such force that it took Mark by surprise. He let out a little laugh as Sebastian lowered down.

“Hello to you too darling.”

“Oh Liebling, you're home! I thought I was dreaming.”

“Nope, back a bit early, no delays.”

Sebastian sighed and looked up at him, all sleep gone from his eyes now as they lit up with happiness to see the man he loved. Mark simply smiled then leaned in to kiss him more slowly. Seb's arms hadn't moved from around his neck so Mark fitted his around Seb's lower back and lifted him back up, Seb tightening his hold around him. Seb dropped his cheek into Mark's shoulder and hardly noticed that his feet no longer touched the floor. Mark couldn't wipe the smile from his face as he held him in. Sebastian was so light, but his grip around him was stronger than anything. Mark would have joked that Seb was going to strangle him, but he wasn't in the mood for teasing. They merely stayed that way for a minute, making up for all the missed hugs of the past few days. Virtual hugs were fine, but they weren't a patch on this.

 

Only slowly did Mark loosen his hold enough to lower Seb down, kissing him again because he could. Sebastian beamed up at him and Mark felt more important than he had at any point in all the celebrations of his success in Bahrain. How could he not when Seb was so plainly thrilled to see him? Mark kissed him again, then gave a little shake of his head.

“Ah I have missed you _so_ much sweetheart.”

“Me too.” Sebastian sighed. “I was going to wake up early so I'd be down to meet you.”

Mark gave a little shrug.

“Believe me darling this is just as nice.”

“I wanted to say congratulations. Oh, god, yeah I haven't done that.” Seb laughed. “I think I'm still half-asleep Liebling, sorry.”

Mark chuckled at how tangled Seb was getting. He loved sleepy Seb.

“That's alright. You said it last night.”

“I've not said it now. Oh god. Sorry. Congratulations Liebling. I am so, _so_ proud of you. So proud. World champion. Oh Mark it's wonderful. I'm so pleased,” rushed Seb giddily.

“I'm pretty chuffed myself,” smiled Mark.

 

Sebastian huffed a little laugh, then sighed as he pressed himself back into Mark, the pair of them simply standing wrapped up with one another. Mark closed his eyes and rested his cheek into Seb's forehead where he was turned into him. Sebastian moved his arms from around Mark's neck and slunk them around his back to sit more comfortably there. They stayed that way until Shadow and Simba came over, clearly feeling left out, and pushed their noses into their legs demanding attention. As they relented and gave them a stroke, Mark smiled to himself thinking how this desire for physical contact and demonstrations of affection were what he rushed home for. Not that he put Seb in the same category as the dogs, but there was an extent to which they did communicate in a non-verbal way that was actually more important than any words.

Once apon a time Mark had made do with the dogs greeting him on his return from races, making the most of their unbridled love. That hadn't been nothing. A few years ago Mark had thought that was enough to get by in life, but he really had just been getting by. The love Seb gave him was beyond compare. It made this house a home, brought warmth and sunlight into his life, even on a cold dark morning like this one. It made everything he achieved worth so much more.

“You know your parents rang me,” stated Seb, finally lifting away enough to look at him.

“Did they?”

“Yeah I think, well I don't know. I think they just wanted to share the moment.”

“Mm I didn't really get to speak to them for long.”

“They weren't complaining Liebling.”

“Hmm. I didn't get to speak to you for long either. Sorry about that sweetheart.”

“It's fine. I know how it is.”

“Yeah. Guess you do.”

Sebastian looked into Mark's eyes.

“We're both world champions now.”

Mark took in a deep breath.

“So we are darling.”

“I'm so pleased Liebling, for you I mean, although...” a smile crept over Seb's face, “it is kindof nice that we both are now.”

Mark chuckled.

“Yeah it is pretty cool. A couple of the journos mentioned it and I didn't really go there, but I guess it is something of a first.”

 

Mark paused as he looked at Seb.

“Do you see me differently?” he wondered.

“Huh?”

“Now we're both champions.”

Sebastian frowned and shook his head.

“Liebling don't be silly. I'm just happy you get what you deserved at last. That's all.”

Mark gave a little nod and Sebastian raised up his hand to put it at his cheek.

“Do you think it's possible I could think more of you than I do already Liebling?”

Sebastian looked at him so sincerely that Mark hardly knew what to say in reply, so he merely shook his head.

“I'm just glad the world gets to see a little of what I see,” continued Seb. “You're amazing and the world should know that.”

Mark laughed but Seb shook his head.

“I mean it,” he insisted.

“I know you do darling. Thank you.” Mark laughed again. “Ah dear. You're going to be a nightmare this weekend aren't you?”

Sebastian frowned.

“A nightmare?”

“Helmut's nightmare, with the media.”

Seb looked at him innocently, all eye-lashes and big blue eyes that Mark knew were irresistible to all but the most hard-hearted of souls.

“It won't be my fault if they bring it up,” Seb insisted.

Mark chuckled.

“And if they don't, you will.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don't think I'm going to be able to stop myself.”

“Exactly.” Mark flicked his eyebrows. “Perhaps this is how I get my revenge on Marko?”

“Through me?”

“Well I wouldn't wish to encourage it, naturally.”

“Naturally.”

“But, I have to confess it wouldn't break my heart to know it wound him up a bit,” admitted Mark. “Am I a bad person for that?”

“Very bad Liebling. Terrible,” smiled Seb, resolving to do it more than ever.

 

Mark let out a little sigh as he thought about how he had been so careful in Bahrain not to talk too much about Seb. Was that cowtowing to the pressures, even unspoken, from the team, or where they had been? Here was Seb happily not giving a thought to all that because he was too thrilled to have the opportunity to praise him and Mark knew he would do it. Whether it really did tick Dr Marko off or not, Seb would be unable to resist telling all media how thrilled he was that his husband had won and was now world champion. Mark resolved to give Seb the proper recognition for his support when the media were at the shindig in Stuttgart on Wednesday. At least he could make up for it a little there. Surely the team wouldn't be too annoyed at him? Other people got to thank their families. It shouldn't be any different for them.

“Oh sweetheart. I didn't say did I? I need to go to a thing on Wednesday for the team at the base. Like a big celebration event to say thank you and make the most of the publicity.”

“Oh okay.”

“You're going on Wednesday anyway aren't you?” Mark checked.

“Yeah. Yeah so that's fine. I can drop you off,” suggested Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I'd appreciate it if you asked the plane to land first.”

“I think I could manage that,” Seb agreed.

“Good stuff. Thank you.”

It was only then that it occurred to Mark that a year ago it had been his attending just such a team event at the Porsche base that had left Sebastian home alone, giving Heikki the opportunity to sneak in while he was away. Mark was thankful that Seb would be off at his race, despite that being illogical when Heikki was dead and gone. He knew he would find a way of worrying, even if it was only that Sebastian might be thinking about it and getting upset. He put a hand at Sebastian's cheek for a moment, reminded also that they only had a few days together before they were to be parted again.

“I know it's morning, but do you think we could go to bed for a bit darling?” he requested.

“Of course. Sorry Liebling we should have gone straight up. You must be knackered,” apologised Sebastian.

“Yeah a bit. I didn't sleep as much as I'd have liked on the flight. If we can just have a nap, then I'll be right,” Mark asserted.

Seb nodded and stepped away, offering out a hand to lead Mark upstairs to bed.

  
  


Mark stopped off in the bathroom to freshen up before catching Seb up, wanting to feel a little nicer before he joined him. He walked in to find Seb sat on the bed waiting for him and Mark sat beside him, fitting his arm around Seb and angling his head to rest into his.

“I'm so glad to be home.”

“Me too,” agreed Sebastian. “Glad you're home that is.”

Mark let out a tired sigh and Sebastian looked at him.

“You need some sleep Liebling, come on.”

Seb gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, then pulled away to prompt Mark to get into bed. Mark was so worn out that he sat for another moment watching as Sebastian stood. He looked so cute dressed in his pyjamas; soft plaid bottoms and a thin little t-shirt. Mark couldn't wait to remove them, but Seb was right, he was tired. All that could wait until he had a bit of energy back, so he got up and went around to the other side of the bed, merely pulling off his jeans and hoody before climbing in beside him. He snuggled in close to Seb, feeling nice and cosy against the cold outside. Mark smiled as he snuck a hand under Sebastian's t-shirt and turned his head to place his cheek against Seb's shoulder. Sebastian let his head rest by Mark's and fitted an arm around him so they were comfortably wound together.

 

Mark lay there thinking how this was the best feeling in the world. Better than holding that trophy, better than being world champion. Perhaps that shouldn't be a revelation, but it was actually great to know it changed nothing. Seb loved him exactly the same, just as he had promised. He held him in reverence not for his success, but his care, his love. Seb only wanted Mark to have success for himself so that it made Mark happy and he was happy as a result. It wasn't really a surprise, but confirmation was nice.

Maybe it was Mark's opinion of himself that had changed? Not in general terms but as a racer. Did he value himself more highly now he had that badge of honour? The truth was he might. It did feel good. He wouldn't be in the history books just as the guy that missed out. He would always be world champion and that felt nice. He could relax now. He could think about the possibility of taking a year out with the comfort that he carried a new label in future. One the team could not ignore. It gave him extra security and a perhaps little extra self-esteem? Yes maybe that was true as well.

Mark let out a long slow breath and settled in a way he simply couldn't when he was alone, no matter how comfortable the hotel bed or how luxurious the plane. It wasn't the same without Seb's warm body pressed into him. This was home, not the building, but the feeling of comfort and security that came from lying snuggled up with the person he loved and who loved him back. He glanced at Sebastian and saw that even with his eyes closed he had a soft smile on his face.

All Seb was thinking in that moment was how glad he was Mark back with him, safe and solid and really there, not a dream. It was all he needed to make him happy right now. In that moment nothing else mattered.

It took no time at all before they were both soundly asleep as the day came up outside undisturbed.

  
  


 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any too neat parallels with what happened in this race last year. I didn't rewatch it, but I guess it is lodged in my brain a bit too much to shake. Anyways it made me happy.  
> Needless to say Mark retiring in real life isn't the same as is happening in this story, though I guess they do both seem to need a break away from racing.


	184. Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Running a little ahead of RL we finally reach the end of the season.

* * *

 

  
  


All too soon they were setting off on their travels once more. Mark deposited in Stuttgart to press the flesh at the Porsche base before Sebastian headed on to Abu Dhabi. It meant rather an early start to get Mark there in time, but Seb didn't mind. He arrived at his hotel with plenty of time to check in and catch up with Britta and Christian before unpacking and ordering up some room service. As soon as he got to his room he sent Mark a text as promised to let him know that he had arrived safely. Illogical as it might be for him to worry, Mark had been unable to switch his phone off so he snuck out into the corridor from the main event room and read the message, sending a quick reply.

SEB: Here, all set. Hope it's going ok with you?

MARK: Fine. Glad you got there alright. Hopefully finishing up soon.

SEB: Ok, well maybe call me when you get home?

MARK: Of course. Love you.

SEB: Love you too. Have a safe flight back. X

Mark puffed out a breath and fitted his phone away. He knew it made no sense to worry about Seb just because of what happened a year ago when he was here, but the brain wasn't always logical. He could relax properly now, give some more smiles and neat little quotes for the journos and finish up. Soon be home, even if Seb wasn't there.

  
  


Then by the time Sebastian was going to bed he received the waited for call from Mark who was by then back home having caught a commercial flight back.

“So how was it?” enquired Seb.

“Fine. Just more of the same really,” Mark explained. “Hardly a chore to say thanks to the guys. I even tried out a bit of German on them.”

“Oh well done Liebling.”

Mark coughed a laugh, feeling as though Sebastian had just patted him on the head.

“Cheers. I mean who knows, I could have insulted all their mothers, but they were still speaking to me afterwards so I'm hoping not.”

“Psh. Course you didn't. You're very good. I'm sure they appreciated it.”

“Well I hope so. Anyway it was fine. We did that, then all the important people got to make their little speeches.”

“ _You're_ important Liebling,” interrupted Seb.

“Ha, thanks sweetheart. So after that it was all champagne and nibbles and making nice with the invited media.”

“I'm sure you charmed them all.”

“Well I don't know about that, but it went okay.”

“You didn't get tiddly on the champagne then?” Sebastian teased.

Mark laughed.

“I hope not. I was only sipping for show. I think I made one glass last most of the afternoon.”

“I'm sure. I'm only teasing.”

“I know you are darling. It was fine. Nice to see the guys when we were all a bit calmer.”

“I'm sure. How was Jenson?”

“Good. Still chuffed they won the race.”

“I'll bet.”

“Anyway it's done and dusted now. Oh he mentioned about them coming over to visit. You still up for that?”

“Oh, yeah absolutely. What about next weekend before we get caught up with all Christmas stuff?” suggested Seb.

 

Mark smiled, thinking Seb might want the house to themselves for when they spent a few days Christmafying the place. It was one of their little traditions now, one Mark enjoyed almost as much as Seb, though perhaps he enjoyed seeing how happy it made him more than the actual decorating itself.

“Sure. Why not? I'll let him know. We could take them into town on the Saturday or even venture all the way into London if Jess fancied shopping.”

Sebastian chuckled.

“Three of us to carry all her bags? Yeah maybe. I'll ask her what they fancy doing.”

“Righto, well there's something to look forward to. Thought I'd mention it while I thought on. I just sort of kept it vague when I saw him.”

“Oh okay, well yeah. See when they're free, but earlier I think if possible.”

“Sure. Anyway, my day aside, how's it going? How have you been getting on?” asked Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Not much to report yet. Said hi to Britta and Christian, sorted myself out. Start tomorrow really.”

“Sure. Well the dogs say hi.”

“Hi back.”

Mark looked down at the dogs sat at his feet and gave their fur a ruffle.

“Seb says hello boys.”

“What'll you do tomorrow?” wondered Seb.

“Oh I dunno, lie in a bit, take the dogs out if the weather's not too atrocious. Bit rainy this evening.”

“Is it? Oh dear.”

“Might pass. Anyway I'll keep busy. You ring whenever you like. I've nothing too important on.”

“Righto.”

Mark smiled at hearing Seb use the phrase. He let out a little sigh.

“Right sweetheart, you off to bed then?”

“Already in bed.”

“Ah, even better. Are you tired?”

“To be honest Liebling, not really, but I should get some sleep anyway.”

“Okay well sleep well darling. I'm just going to get some dinner and go off myself.”

“Night then Liebling, love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart, night.”

Sebastian hung up, checked his alarm was set and lay back in bed trying to persuade himself to drop off. Mark by contrast did feel tired after a long day full of travelling and obediently spinning the party line from the team to the press at the Porsche event all afternoon. Nibbles didn't do much to fill you up though so he took the dogs through to the kitchen and filled their bowls before finding his own food and then called it a night.

  
  


  
  


  
  


The following day Sebastian was kept busy with team preparations and various bits of media work. All very familiar, especially by the end of the season. All those same faces asking the same questions in the press huddle. It was hard to sound enthused about tyre choices for the weekend or speculation about how things might go in the race when you had been doing this all year. Just as Mark had predicted, Seb only really lit up when various correspondents asked him to comment on Mark's recent success.

“You must be very proud,” prompted the latest interviewer.

Sebastian beamed to the camera so happily that Britta almost laughed, though she suppressed it and distracted herself by pushing an escaping strand of hair behind her ear.

“Yes of course. It's fantastic. I'm very glad Mark got the success he deserves. They work so hard in Endurance racing, not that all motorsport doesn't, but there's such a lot weighing on those long races when so many things can go wrong.”

“It was a relief then to see them get there?”

“Yeah definitely.”

“How are you feeling about how the championship will go in F1 this weekend?”

Sebastian gave a little shrug.

“I'll be interested to see which way it goes for sure, but in all honesty we'll be running our own race,” he offered diplomatically.

“And how are things looking for Redbull this weekend?”

Seb puffed a little breath.

“Guess we'll see tomorrow.”

He looked to Britta, hoping this would be one of the last questions in this session. There were only so many times you could give these non-answers on a Thursday. He'd rather get back to the garage, get on with his track walk with his guys and actually do something that felt useful.

“Sebastian, are you looking forward to the race this weekend?”

“Of course, absolutely,” he agreed with a smile that showed nothing of how Seb thought such questions were a waste of everyone's time.

“Do you have a preference as to who you'd like to win the championship this weekend?”

Sebastian let out a little laugh. He did have opinions of course, and given their friendship it was tempting to say Lewis, but that really wasn't the done thing.

“Yes I'd like it to be me naturally.”

The interviewer and several others pushed in around her laughed along with him.

“Though sadly given the points tally, that's not a possibility unfortunately,” conceded Seb.

“Okay but more seriously,” she tried, “does it affect your racing when you know you're out of a chance of winning the championship?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“I guess you'd have to say it does, but really only that you look for the victories that are possible; Whether that's a race win, a podium finish, good points, whatever is feasible. You do have to be realistic, re-set your goals and then you just aim for them. The same is true of all of us in the paddock I think. If you're one of the lower teams with a small budget and you get into the points, that's huge and the whole team celebrates. If you're in a Mercedes and you only just scrape into the points then it's pretty much a disaster. These things are relative.”

The interviewer nodded, glad that she'd had an extended reply.

“So what will you hope to be celebrating when you go home on Sunday night?”

Sebastian grinned.

“Well when I go home I'm pretty sure I'll still be celebrating Mark winning his championship.”

Britta valiantly fought the urge to roll her eyes. Seb was enjoying this far too much. It was nice to see him smile though. She wasn't going to tell him off. What was the point? He was happy his husband was world champion. Why pretend otherwise? The media were lapping it up and seeing as they were only a sideshow this weekend when the main news story was brewing a few doors down, they might as well they might as well take what they could get. She knew Sebastian was on his best form when he was genuinely engaged with something and even better when he was happy. Mark winning made him happier than she had seen in quite some time. She wasn't going to burst his bubble. If Christian or Helmut had a problem with it they were welcome to say so.

  
  


  
  


  
  


By Friday afternoon Sebastian was stood in yet another media huddle, Britta by his side, cameras pointed, voice recorders crowded under his nose.

“So did you achieve all you wanted to today?” asked the interviewer.

Sebastian puffed a little breath. How much could you really say after free practice?

“We did some steady running, got some good long runs in. Not a huge amount to report to be honest,” he admitted.

“Do you feel all set for qualifying tomorrow then?”

“Mm, pretty much. A few tweaks maybe in FP3, make sure we've got the set-up perfect, or as perfect as we can anyway.”

“So you're feeling confident then?”

“Sure.”

The interviewer started talking about the championship battle yet again and Sebastian found himself phasing out. He wondered if Mark would be watching this, if he could fit in a call before they did the debrief with the team or if it would be better to leave it until they were done and he was back in his room at the hotel.

“So what do you think?” she prompted.

Seb looked at her, hiding on his face the fact he hadn't the foggiest what the interviewer was referring to. Something about Mercedes no doubt.

“I guess we'll all just have to see what happens,” he offered vaguely.

“We will indeed. Thank you Sebastian.”

“No problem.”

 

Britta walked him away and Seb felt a little guilty he hadn't given his full attention there. He hoped his reply had at least made some sense. One of the earlier ones had asked if he was already thinking about the end of the season and the winter break and Sebastian had been honest when he said he wasn't. Not in that moment anyway. What he had actually been thinking about had been the few days they'd had a home together; Lying in bed with Mark, the outside world gone away and only Mark's warm eyes, his smile, his arms around him, their bodies entwined so perfectly in that beautiful moment of oneness as they came down, hearts pounding and chests pressed together, trying to catch their breath, but no intention of parting. It was the best feeling in the world and Seb was never happier than in that moment when there was no need to say anything, just communicating with their bodies. When his mind drifted that was his favourite place to go, even when he knew he shouldn't.

It was a bloody good job they hadn't asked him what he really _was_ thinking about. Seb might have laughed, though he definitely wouldn't have been able to tell them the truth.

  
  


  
  


When Seb called Mark later and related how his mind had wandered during the dullness of interminable press sessions, Mark didn't restrain his laughter and Seb ended up laughing with him.

“Oh my god darling, that really would have floored them,” Mark grinned.

“Well I was hardly going to say.”

“No, guess not. I think you might even bump Lewis from the headlines if you did.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“He's welcome to them. Honestly, I think the press are as bored as the rest of us by this stage.”

“You're bored?”

“Of the media stuff. Just... You know what it's like. There's nothing to say right now and they've nothing interesting to ask. As soon as the Merc lot come out they're all high-tailing it over there anyway, I don't know why we bother.”

“Oh well, column inches to fill I guess. We're all just doing our jobs at some point.”

“Mm. I did answer them.”

“I know. You're very good with the media darling, even when they don't deserve it.”

“Hmm, well they're pretty tame this weekend. I'm not the story and long may that last.”

“Unless you win on Sunday,” pointed out Mark. “Lewis and Nico could do a Senna Prost and take each other out on the first corner.”

“Oh god, don't start. I swear the media must be driving them up the wall referring to that.”

“Yeah it's been mentioned a few times on the coverage I've watched.”

“How original of them.”

“Airtime to fill as well as column inches.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian. “I sent Lewis a text actually to see if he wanted to hang out, let off a bit of steam, but his dad's here so I think he's just holing up a bit.”

“Ah well, guess he's got to do what feels right for him.”

“Yeah. I'm sure having family there is good,” noted Sebastian.

“I'm sure,” echoed Mark. “What about you then? You gonna be bored?”

“Meh, it's fine. Two more nights of room service and TV. I'll survive Liebling. Actually I was thinking about talking to Britta.”

“To Britta?” frowned Mark, thinking surely Seb did that all the time.

“I meant about our plans. Adopting,” Seb explained.

“Ah I see.”

“It's weird cos I kindof thought I had already, but I realised I haven't and I think I probably should, don't you?”

“Of course, if you want to sweetheart.”

“I'm sure we can trust her.”

“So am I. Yeah good idea,” concurred Mark. “I'm sure we'll need her advice on the media side.”

“Well I won't really want to talk to the media about it.”

“Exactly. Right, so are you thinking of talking to her this weekend?”

“Hmm, not sure. I'll see if the moment crops up. If not, I'm in the factory on Wednesday so I could talk to her then. I guess that might be easier.”

“Whatever works,” advised Mark, “don't stress about it when you've got racing to think about.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian lay back on his bed and looked up at the ceiling. Maybe Mark was right? No point adding unnecessarily to his weekend.

“I guess I'll just play it by ear Liebling.”

“Sure.”

  
  


  
  


The next day Sebastian walked back with Britta from the pen after qualifying, wondering if he might find a moment to talk to her today or if it would be a distraction for both of them. Maybe it would be easier to leave it until after the weekend? It wasn't as if it was an immediate concern, though they did have another meeting lined up with Rachel when he got home. He considered what Britta's reaction to the news might be and Sebastian smiled as he saw the way she was already checking through things on her phone as they walked. No doubt she would be as unflappable as ever. Maybe he should stop worrying about it when he had other things to deal with? Better just to concentrate on his work, get the weekend done with the best result he could in the race and deal with it afterwards.

  
  


  
  


Thus refocussed Sebastian put all his energies into preparing for the race, hoping for a nice result to finish off the season and to carry with him through the winter break. Unfortunately for Seb he didn't get around the first lap before disaster struck. He made a good start from fifth, nipping in between the two cars on the row ahead, only for a sudden whallop from behind to send Sebastian skittering out onto the short run-off and into the wall. It wasn't a hard hit but it was enough to whack the suspension so that the two front tires were pointing at each other. Once Seb had his breath back he looked out at them and knew he was done.

Sebastian sank his head into both hands and then remembered those who would be watching and that he needed to let them know he was just annoyed, but okay.

“Seb are you alright?” came the enquiry from his engineer.

“Yeah I'm fine,” replied Sebastian sounding about as pissed off as he felt. “Car's screwed though. Who the hell was that? He just totally rear-ended me. Honestly. I mean for godsake, we'd barely made it into turn one. Nothing I could do. Bloody idiot.”

“We know. Bit of a scrum back there, race control's looking at it.”

Sebastian sighed and wanted to say much good it would do him if whoever had rear-ended him was given a penalty. No point though, so instead he climbed out, fixed the steering wheel back onto the broken car and looked for a camera to wave at so his family knew he was okay before exiting the track to head back to the pits.

  
  


Sat on the sofa Mark dropped his own head into his hands as the race coverage cut back to show the two front-running Mercedes scampering away entirely unaffected. So much for all the media's talk of them knocking each other out at the start. It was Seb that had been knocked out. Mark knew he must be fuming, but Mark was mostly occupied by feeling relieved that the crash hadn't been worse. The moment he saw the cars closing in Mark knew trouble was brewing on that corner, but he'd had to watch helplessly as Seb was shoved off and ended in the wall. His whole body tensed as he saw Sebastian's car was going off and Mark had winced as it was shown going into the wall.

Mark was only grateful it had been a side impact, not head-on. That would have been too much for him to watch, even if the logical part of his brain knew that Seb was going far slower than he had been in his accident in Monza. The virtual safety car was called while Seb's car was cleared away, but Mark hardly cared about that. He was too busy puffing out a calming breath and telling himself he could relax now that he had heard Seb on the radio and seen him walk safely away.

  
  


His phone lit up with text messages from family and friends and seeing as Mark knew Sebastian wouldn't be back at the garage yet, he sent a quick group text back to say Seb looked fine and that was the main thing. Then he sent a text to Sebastian himself, though Mark wasn't sure if he would get to read it yet.

MARK: Oh sweetheart I can't believe it. Are you ok? If you can, call me, but I guess you'll get shoved in front of the media. I really hope you're alright. Love you so much. M

Mark sighed and rubbed at his face. Even slower crashes weren't fun and though the belts and molded seat helped protect drivers, it could still knock the wind out of you. Was there anything more he could add that would help? Probably not. Mark pressed send and seconds later his phone started ringing, startling him even though the phone was already in his hand. For the briefest of moments he thought it could be Seb, but it was Christian's name flashing up, so Mark swiped to accept the call.

“Christian, is he okay?” Mark asked anxiously.

“He's fine Mark, I wanted to call just to let you know. More pissed off than anything, but Doc Phillips just grabbed a quick look at him and said he's fine. Fairly low G on the impact reading, it just did for the car.”

“Right.” Mark sighed out a breath. “Is he there?”

“Britta's taken him to the pen to get it over and done with.”

Mark shook his head at how relentless the F1 machine was. Couldn't Seb just have five minutes to let things settle so he could talk to him first? But no, that wasn't how it worked and at least it was some comfort to know that the team doctor had seen him. It wasn't that bad a crash, he was just fretting.

“Okay, well, thanks for calling to let me know.”

“I need to go. I'm sorry Mark. Believe me we've asked Charlie to look into it.”

“Right.”

“Are you alright to call his parents?” checked Christian.

“Yep. Will do. Um, if you see him, if you could ask Seb to give me a quick ring?” requested Mark.

“Of course. I'm sure he will anyway.”

“Yeah. Alright, well, thanks.”

 

Mark hung up and was about to dial Seb's parents when the corner of the television screen went to a sub-screen showing Sebastian in the media pen whilst the race continued. He paused, wanting to hear what Seb had to say, hoping it was clear he was alright.

“Sebastian, I'm sorry to be seeing you so soon here today,” greeted the interviewer with what sounded like genuine sympathy.

“Me too. No offence,” replied Sebastian with a wry smile.

He was still in his race-suit, though the helmet was of course replaced with a team cap.

“None taken,” she assured. “So what happened from your point of view?”

“Someone hit the back of my car and ended my day.”

“You sounded angry on the radio.”

Seb coughed an almost laugh.

“Yeah so would you be if someone ran you off the road.”

“It wasn't clear who it was on camera.”

“It wasn't clear in my tiny mirrors either.” Sebastian sighed. “Makes no odds now I guess.”

“You don't want to see them punished? It looked as though it might have been either Verstappen or Bottas.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I didn't see. It all happened pretty fast.”

“We're told the incident is under investigation.”

“Right, well...”

The interviewer raised an eyebrow.

“You seem much more sanguine about it now.”

Seb shrugged again.

“When you're out of the car you generally calm down a bit. Am I happy? No, obviously not, but you can't do much about it after the fact.”

“So what now?” asked the interviewer.

Sebastian looked at the camera.

“Now? I go back to the garage see how things are going, finish up, go home.”

“And that's it?”

“Pretty much. End of the season started a little early for me. Happy Christmas everyone.”

He smiled and waved before walking away.

 

Mark let out a little laugh and shook his head at Seb trying to pick things up a little without sounding too bitter.

“Ah sweetheart.” He sighed and looked to the dogs. “Racing isn't fair sometimes.”

The dogs didn't add to his musings so Mark merely gave them a rub and quickly called the Vettels to check they weren't worrying. Thankfully they too had just watched Sebastian on their own coverage and were reassured that he seemed much himself. Mark hung up and sat back. Seb had seemed okay from what they had seen and heard, but he couldn't forget how good Seb was at giving the outward impression that he was fine, particularly when he knew he was on public display. Mark wanted to know for certain that Seb really was alright, so he tried ringing his phone. It went to voice-mail and Mark wasn't sure what to say, but he didn't want to hang up either.

“Hey sweetheart, just ringing to check you're okay. If you get chance can you call me? Love you.”

He hung up and hated how stilted he must have sounded. Something about voice-mail always caused Mark to freeze up even when he was used to having his voice recorded by the press. Seb wouldn't mind though, at least he'd know Mark cared.

  
  


The television showed the cars were back to racing now that Seb's car ad been cleared away and the virtual safety car period ended, but Mark wasn't really all that interested now, not even when the message flashed up to say that Verstappen had been given a stop and go penalty for causing the crash. It might punish him in his race, but it did little to rectify matters for Seb, so what was the point? The commentators were busily discussing the same thing and then showed a shot of Seb now dressed in his normal RedBull kit, crossing the pitlane to speak to Christian who placed a hand on his shoulder. You couldn't hear what was being said, but the expression on their faces was enough. Mark hoped that Seb wasn't apologising when it wasn't his fault. It wouldn't surprise him if he did.

Then it was back to the racing on track. Mark was sorely tempted to switch off, but then it cut back again and Seb was shown going around the garage talking to his guys; pats on the arm and shakes of heads. Mark guessed that they had some choice words about what had happened because he spotted a little smile appear on Seb's face and he suspected that it was a good job that there was no audio of whatever it was the chief mechanic Mike had just said. Far less polite terms than those Sebastian had used in his interview, that was a good bet.

A couple of cars on track were shown battling on the DRS straight and Mark had half his attention on them, but then his phone burst into life making him jump before he snatched it up seeing Seb was calling.

“Hey,” greeted Sebastian as soon as it connected.

“Oh sweetheart hi. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, you know.”

“Mm. Idiot, honestly, what was he thinking?”

“Kids today,” replied Seb laconically.

Mark paused, then realised Seb was joking.

“Ah, well...”

Mark smiled as he realised how he had once criticised Sebastian in those terms back in the mists of time.

“Anyway,” he continued, “just so long as you're really alright?”

“Yeah I'm okay. Bit pissed off, but I wasn't going that fast.”

“Mm, small mercies.”

“Are you alright Liebling? I know that can't have been nice to watch,” sympathised Seb.

“Just gave me a jolt,” admitted Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Tell me about it.”

“Ha, yeah sorry, poor choice of words.”

“Nah don't worry about it. I just picked up your messages. Sorry Liebling I went straight back to change and my bag was in the garage.”

“No that's alright. Where are you now?”

“Out back.”

“Right. Oh I rang your folks, just to make sure they were okay.”

“Thanks. Actually I should call them too.”

“Of course.”

“I mean it really wasn't a big crash Liebling. It just hit the axle at the wrong point, or the right point if you wanted to break it.”

“Sure. Well the car's just parts darling. Doesn't matter as long as you're okay.”

“Yeah. I just wish... I dunno, it's stupid. I was going to say I'm annoyed it was so early in the race, but I don't suppose I'd be any happier if it had been on the last lap.”

“No but I understand,” agreed Mark. “All that build up and you don't get to really race at all. It sucks.”

Seb coughed a laugh.

“Yeah Liebling it really does. Oh well. Name of the game.”

“Yeah.” Mark took in a deep breath. “What do you need to do now?”

 

Sebastian looked out at the almost empty paddock. He could hear the cars on track. They were still only half an hour into the race. He puffed out a long breath as he considered it.

“Guess I can go and talk to my engineers, though quite frankly I'm not sure how much we can analyse from less than a minute's racing.”

“Hmm.”

“I dunno. I suppose I should go see how Dan's getting on, wait for the race to be over and then sit in the debrief even if I won't have much to contribute.”

“More media?” wondered Mark.

“We went round the pen, but I guess,” Seb agreed. “After the race they'll probably be all over whoever's won the championship. Either way they'll all be down at the Merc garage, though I suppose Britta will corral a few.”

“Don't much fancy discussing the crash all over again?” presumed Mark.

“Not especially, no. To be honest Liebling I'd rather just come home,” Sebastian admitted.

“Why don't you then?”

“What, walk out?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Well, not quite, but you could have a word. Like you said, there's not a lot to analyse when you were nerfed off at the start.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian bit his lip and considered things.

“I dunno. Maybe I could see what Christian and Britta say? I guess I am in the factory in a few days anyway.”

“Sure. Well it goes without saying I'd be happy to see you sooner than later darling, but it's your call.”

“Mm, I don't want to look like I'm skipping out on the team, but if they didn't object...”

Seb was already rehearsing in his head what he could say to make it sound reasonable so that his boss would agree. He could spend a bit of time with the engineers just to check if they wanted to go over anything. Seb wasn't particularly interested in analysing the crash, but they might need his input so he'd give that, grab a word with Christian and Britta and then maybe, just maybe he could take the only real positive left today and be home with Mark sooner than he had expected? Could he get away with that? Worth a go surely?

  
  


A mere half hour later Mark received another phone-call.

“Hey Liebling I'm in the car,” announced Sebastian, sounding far happier than he had earlier.

“The car?”

“To the airport.”

“Oh wow. Really? Brilliant.”

Sebastian laughed, feeling somehow much lighter than he suspected he had a right to.

“Yep. Christian said if I'd gone over everything the guys wanted then the debrief wasn't going to involve much for me anyway and I think Britta decided all the press were going to be busy elsewhere.”

“Great, well, I mean obviously it's not great you were out of the race so soon, but I'm glad you're coming straight home.”

“Me too. Ha, god it's so weird Mark, it feels liberating. It's like I'm skiving school. I didn't even tell Helmut I was going.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. I'm so naughty.”

Mark burst out laughing. He'd really expected to have to be picking Seb up after the disaster in the race, but he sounded on good form, almost empowered by his decision _not_ to do what he usually felt obliged to.

“Good for you sweetheart. Sod Helmut. He'd just be an arse about it.”

“Probably. You know he actually did say to me earlier that I should try talking more about RedBull than Porsche when I'm with the media.”

“Oh what? Well he can fuck off.”

Sebastian giggled. He might be back in work in a few days, but he had a strange sense of end of term fever. This felt like an escape, like running away from his responsibilities when he usually took all that so seriously. Today he was _not_ being the good boy. He was following his instincts and his instinct said only one thing; Go home to Mark as soon as possible and forget all the rest of it.

“Yeah not what I said back to him actually Liebling, but I couldn't be doing with him just now so I gave him a wide berth. He's too busy watching how Dan is doing anyway. Speaking of which how is it all going in the race?”

Mark looked back to the screen which he had left on almost out of habit as well as a vague interest in how the championship turned out.

“Um, lots of pit-stops going on at the mo. Dan's running in third but he's pitted and Lewis has just pulled into the pitlane. Rosberg's at the front but all could change yet. You know how it goes.”

“Only too well Liebling. Well anyway. You'll have to watch the end for me as I rang ahead and we're taking off as soon as I get there. They said I could be back for ten o'clock your time.”

“Fantastic.”

Sebastian smiled. That was what mattered. Not ruined races and bashed up cars, though he had apologised to the boys for the work the car would need before they could take it apart to ship home. Not dodging the beaky stare of Dr. Marko and leaving the media to whistle for their hoped for quotes on how he had taken up a vendetta against another racing driver clumsily knocking into him. Mark's voice sounding delighted that he would be home a few hours early because every bit of time they got together was prized. That was what lifted his heart.

“Yep,” he agreed. “So you'll be up?”

Mark tsk'd and shook his head.

“Daft thing. Course I'll be up. I shall sit on the doorstep waiting for you to pull onto the drive.”

Sebastian laughed and rolled his eyes.

“You will not.”

“Well, maybe not. It's looking like rain, but otherwise.”

“Sure. Okay well I'm just gonna let my folks know I'm heading home so I'll see you later, yeah?”

“Yep. Safe travels darling.”

“Thanks. Love you.”

“Love you too. See you soon.”

 

As they hung up Mark dumped his phone down by his side and put his feet up on the coffee table deciding to watch to the end of the race to see if Lewis could pull off the switchback and steal the race and the championship from under Nico's nose. It was all the commentators and no doubt the rest of the media in Abu Dhabi really cared about. They certainly hadn't noticed Sebastian making his exit when their attention was elsewhere. At least he could relax now which was a fairly novel experience for Mark watching an F1 race.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A little past ten that night Mark leapt up off the sofa as he heard a car on the drive, racing the dogs to reach the hallway and open the door before Sebastian even reached it. He stood out on the front doorstep as Seb was bringing his bags over. The moment he spotted Mark he put them down and rushed over to join him on the step, his arms stretched up to wrap around his neck.

“Liebling,” smiled Seb as Mark loosened his hug only to kiss him.

“Welcome home sweetheart.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I thought you said you were going to sit on this step.”

“Meh, this not count?” argued Mark.

“This definitely counts,” Seb decided, giving him another kiss before letting go to give the dogs a pet as they fussed into them.

He let out a little sigh, just glad to be home, then Seb looked back at his abandoned bags and stepped away to retrieve them. As he started picking them up Mark was by his side.

“Gimme that one,” requested Mark, holding out his hand.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Mark you've no shoes on.”

Mark shrugged and took the bag while Seb hitched his track bag onto his shoulder and trailed his case on its rollers, bumping it up the step and ditching it in the hall. As he got inside he stopped for a moment and just took in the fact he was back.

 

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yep. It's good to be home Liebling.”

“Yeah it is,” agreed Mark.

He swung the door shut behind him and stamped his feet into the floor, giving a little shiver. Sebastian stepped in back closer to him.

“Silly thing getting cold for me,” he rebuked.

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “Too excited to see you.”

Seb scrunched his nose up, his cheeks bunching into those nice round apples that Mark adored. The race was gone, the season was over. It was the winter break at last. Thursday didn't really count seeing as it was only up the road. They could just get on with their lives like normal people for a while.

One arm, then two were slung round Mark's neck and Sebastian was pressed right up into him.

“Hey there,” grinned Mark, fitting his arms back around Seb to keep him in.

“Hey,” Seb smiled back.

He took in a nice deep inhale of Mark's scent, enjoying feeling his body next to him, warm and firm and really there.

“You know in Abu Dhabi it's like two am,” pointed out Seb.

“Tired?”

“Bit.”

“Want to talk about the race?” Mark checked.

“Nope. I think I'd quite like to forget about all that.”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head, then pushed up on his toes to make his eyes more level with Mark's.

“I want you to take me to bed,” he asserted.

Mark looked into the blue eyes he had missed and huffed a laugh, then rubbed his nose into Seb's. So his race had ended crappily? Everything else was looking up.

“Your wish is my command darling.”

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


  
  


A couple of days later Sebastian was reminded that work wasn't completely done for the year when he had to get up early to head in to the factory for a final round-up meeting of the season. He arrived extra early to speak with Christian, apologising for making his quick exit on Sunday, but his boss had already moved on, assuring Seb that it was all fine. Then seeing as all seemed well and the discussion had been shorter than he had expected, Sebastian went down to the mechanics bays to find his guys there. Once again he started by apologising.

“Not my best weekend,” he admitted as they stood around, surrounded by various parts that had once been his race car.

Mike shrugged.

“Weekend was fine till someone who will remain nameless ran into the back of you. Don't worry about it.”

“Well thanks. Still sorry it means more work for you.”

“Ah not really. We're just stripping down, packing away for the year. All the analysis on the broken suspension's been done already.”

One of the other mechanics put a hand on his colleague's shoulder.

“Yeah and the main conclusion is don't whack it into a wall.”

“My bad,” apologised Seb once more putting his hands up.

“Nah. Only joking. 'sides, not like you're using it again anyway. All going into storage now.”

“That's true,” agreed Mike, “time to start up on the new car.”

“Already?” asked Seb.

“Oh yeah. Keep us hard at it here.”

“Well I appreciate it.”

“We'll have you in doing a new seat fitting before you know it.”

“Oh god,” laughed Sebastian, “can I have Christmas first?”

“Go on then, sure. New year I'd imagine.”

“Right. You guys are getting a break too soon aren't you?”

“Course. Gotta keep the wife just this side of divorcing me.”

 

Sebastian smiled and nodded. He knew the team put in even more time away than he did and they didn't have the luxury of a private jet to nip home the moment they could. Not that they ever expressed any kind of resentment towards him. They must love what they did. Seb hoped they knew how much they were valued. He'd have to sort out some nice Christmas presents for them.

“I'm sure she's very glad that you're home now.”

Mike paused for a dead-pan moment.

“Yeah... I'm reasonably sure that's true.”

Another of the guys laughed.

“I'm just pleased to see my kids again. Honest to god, I swear my youngest looked at me funny on Monday wondering who that guy hugging mummy was.”

Sebastian sighed and shook his head.

“Well I hope you get the time you should with them now.”

The man smiled.

“Well I must have been a good boy this year seeing as I wangled tomorrow afternoon off.”

“Skiver,” teased another.

“No I'm actually getting to be a decent dad for once.” He smiled at Seb. “School nativity play.”

“Aw really? Is that Rosie?”

“Yeah. Five now, can you believe it?”

“You'll have to show me a picture,” requested Seb.

“I'm gonna get a tonne of 'em mate. Chief shepherdess. She's very excited about it.”

“And you.”

The mechanic laughed.

“Yeah, proud dad time. Gotta make the most of it.”

Sebastian nodded. It was impossible not to dream of a time when he might get to be the proud father watching his own child in a school nativity play at Christmas. Him and Mark sat in the audience in a school hall. Even imagining it Seb knew he'd struggle not to cry.

“Well I'm glad you get the time now. I know how hard you guys work. You know this whole operation would fall apart without you,” he offered.

He received an array of jokey dismissals in reply. Sebastian shrugged and said he meant it before asking some more about what they would be doing for work and in their personal lives over the next few weeks. Then seeing the time he realised he had to get to the meeting he had actually come here for and had to part with a swift goodbye and thanks in case he wasn't back in for a while. In all honesty Sebastian thought he'd be quite happy to stick with the idea of not coming back in until the required seat-fittings of the new year. After today Seb wanted to leave this all behind for a while.

  
  


  
  


Once the meeting was over Sebastian went to go look for Britta in her office. They sat with a coffee as they chatted, Seb unable to stop himself apologising yet again. Britta shook her head.

“Ah Sebastian don't sweat it. They got their quotes in the pen. After the race it was all championship focus anyway.”

“Did they say anything about me going early?”

Britta puffed a little breath.

“Not much. We weren't really the story this weekend.”

“Okay, well thanks.”

“Season's done now. I've just got a bit of tidying up to do.”

“Then you're getting a holiday?” checked Seb, remembering what she had mentioned at the weekend.

Britta smiled.

“Already packed.”

Sebastian laughed.

“You're nothing if not efficient. You deserve it. I hope you get to relax and switch your phone off at last.”

“Well thankfully the paddock press also take their winter break,” assured Britta, “so I should be alright. What about you? Are you off anywhere? You were in Australia this time last year.”

Seb took a sip of his coffee and nodded.

“So we were. No we're just home. It's nice not to be rushing around for a while.”

“I'm sure.”

Sebastian thought about the meeting they had planned with Rachel and how they hoped to work on their efforts to adopt while they were home. He glanced at Britta, trying to judge if this was a good time to leap in with his news.

“Um so I did want to mention something,” he started.

“Oh?”

Britta looked at him, knowing from his tone that this wasn't something throw-away.

“Yeah, um so I'd say it's confidential, but I know you wouldn't say anything anyway.”

“Of course not.”

“Mm. Okay, so it's a personal thing, not about work, but it'd really about keeping it that way.”

Britta gave him a studied look.

“You're being very cryptic Sebastian. Whatever it is you can tell me and I'll do all I can to help.”

Seb nodded.

“Thanks. I know you always do.” He took in a breath. “Right, so the thing is Mark and I, we're trying to adopt. We're not quite there yet but we have been approved, officially that is, so now we're in the process of trying to be matched so they can find us a baby.”

Britta stared at him, her mouth slightly open.

“Wow.” She smiled, recovering herself. “Goodness, whatever I was expecting it wasn't that.”

Sebastian let out a little laugh.

“What were you expecting?”

“I honestly don't know,” Britta admitted. “Anyway, never mind. That's great news Seb. Congratulations.”

“Well we're not there yet.”

“But it might be soon?”

“It might be. Or not. No way of predicting unfortunately. We have a case worker and a social worker and the agency look for what might be suitable for a child needing adopting and what we're hoping for, but it's not as easy as you might think.”

“No, well...”

“I mean obviously we are hoping for it to be soon. We're going to try to progress things over the break.”

“Right,” nodded Britta. “Okay well, I can see why you don't want it getting in the press.”

“Yeah. Also when we hopefully do adopt we want to make sure we protect the child as much as possible.”

“I'm sure. And this would be where I come in.”

“Well I hate to give you more work, but I would value your advice.”

“Of course Seb.”

 

She nodded and Sebastian could almost see the cogs whirring in her head, Britta thinking through what impact this might have and what steps were possible to protect their privacy.

“Anyway it's just theory for now,” he assured.

“But hopefully reality soon?”

“Yeah hopefully. I just wanted to mention it to you, give you a bit of a heads-up.”

“Okay.”

“You don't need to do anything right now. I'm not trying to give you work when you're due a holiday.”

Britta laughed.

“No that's okay. I'm glad you've told me. Okay so how does this work, do they find a child for you to adopt and it takes a while, or do they come to you as soon as it's sorted out? I'm afraid I don't have much knowledge on the subject.”

“Um, well it varies depending on the situation, like say if a mother knew in advance when they were pregnant then adoptions can be pre-arranged and then obviously you have something of a timetable, but it can just happen there's a child needing a home suddenly and then it could be pretty fast I think. We've been cleared to foster-to-adopt so that means if that happened we could take them in while we waited for the adoption to be processed.”

“Ah okay.”

“Sorry it's not an easy answer.”

Britta shook her head.

“It all sounds fairly complex, but it seems you've already been working hard on it.”

“Ah well yeah. Sorry I haven't said sooner.”

“No no Sebastian, it's your business and I understand you'd want to keep it separate from work as much as possible.”

“Yeah ideally. Not that we'd keep our family a secret, but things like them being photographed or stories about us adopting. There are rules about that aren't there? I've tried looking a bit into some of the legal things you can take out to stop them.”

“Absolutely. I'm sure the legal team here can help. Have you spoken to them?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No not yet. I'd rather not until I really need to.”

“Of course. Alright well when we need to sort that all out, we will,” replied Britta decisively, already resolving to look into the matter in theory at least herself so she was prepared.

“Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem.”

“I don't want you worrying about it when you're due a break.”

Britta smiled.

“Well unless you ring me while on the beach to say you've suddenly got a baby and I need to come home?”

“I won't do that. Even if something happened out of the blue, I mean we're in the break and we're pretty buried in the countryside. How would the press even know?”

“Good point.”

“So I think it's really something we'd need to deal with more for when we're at races.”

Britta raised an eyebrow.

“You'd be bringing the child along?”

“Um, well, yeah that's the plan. Mark's going to take a year off.”

The other eyebrow went up and Britta took a moment to get them down where they belonged.

“I see. Okay, well then yeah we'd definitely need to deal with the publication of images issue. Even off the top of my head I know you can take out protective orders but yeah we'd need the legal team on it, plus I'd speak to the paddock press and make things very clear to them.”

“Okay, thanks. I know we'd be under their noses, but it's just... otherwise I'd be away so much through the year and...”

“Seb we'll deal with it, okay? Don't worry. As you say, for now it's theoretical, but once it's not we'll get on the case and it'll be fine.”

 

Sebastian let out a relieved little breath, he'd known Britta would take this all in her stride, but it was nice to hear her speaking so confidently, already thinking things through, initiating practical plans of action.

“Thank you Britta. Really. I'm so glad you've got my back.”

Britta laughed.

“Always have, always will Sebastian.”

Seb smiled back.

“Thank you. Okay well I should get out of your hair, let you finish up so you can go on that holiday.”

 

He downed the last of his coffee and stood up, offering out his hand to Britta to shake. She smiled at how polite he could be and shook it.

“Oh,” Seb remembered suddenly, “by the way I have told Christian, so he knows already.”

“Right.”

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier too.”

“It's fine. I know when I need to know,” assured Britta. “I hope they sort it all out for you soon.”

“Me too.”

“You'll let me know?”

“Of course. I won't ruin your holiday though.”

Britta shook her head.

“You can just send me a text if there's any developments. You're right, I don't think it'll be a big issue until we reach the new season.”

“I'm just hoping we get to have a family before then,” confessed Sebastian.

Britta gave him a softer smile. All this talk of technical arrangements and that was what this was really about. Seb wanted a family. That actually wasn't a surprise at all when she thought about it. He was always great with kids at events. You saw it every time when Britta spotted the smile getting a little tired when he was signing autograph after autograph and then a little kid came over and Sebastian seemed to light up, smiling and talking with them, even when they were tiny.

“I hope so too Seb. Give my best wishes to Mark won't you?”

“I will. Thanks. Send us a postcard.”

“Ha, I might just do that.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


Sebastian drove home feeling light-hearted as he listened to tunes on the radio. Tomorrow was the first day of December and Seb couldn't wait for the Christmas tunes to start playing and then he and Mark could get stuck in to making the house all nice and festive. Plus they had Jess and Jenson coming for the weekend which should be fun. A meeting with Rachel tomorrow and they could tell her they were free now to go to as many meetings and classes as she could offer them. It felt great to be able to really get on with life.

He pulled up on the drive and let himself back in, petting the dogs who rushed into the hall to meet him and then going through to find Mark in the kitchen, the radio playing in the corner.

“Oh hello. I didn't hear you,” greeted Mark, coming over to give Seb a kiss on the cheek. “I was just looking for some lunch. Are you hungry?”

“Yeah I am actually. I had to sit through the meeting watching all those engineers wolfing down biscuits.”

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“You still being good?”

“Yeah, saving myself for Christmas,” smiled Seb.

“Ah good point. Well...” Mark reopened the fridge where he had been rummaging. “Soup alright? I reckon I can rustle up a salad to go with it.”

“Perfect. Thank you Liebling. Do you fancy taking the bikes out later?”

“Sounds good.”

  
  


They set about assembling their meal before sitting down at the table, the dogs distracted by refilled bowls over in the corner.

“So I haven't even asked,” Mark noted. “How was today?”

“Fine. Just general review stuff. Nobody seemed too put out about me ducking away early on Sunday.”

“Course they weren't sweetheart.”

“Mm, anyway it was kind of nice to see them. I got some time to have a chat with the guys and oh, yeah I spoke to Britta.”

“Ah. About us adopting?”

“Yeah. She was really good about it.”

Mark shook his head.

“Well this is Britta. Were you expecting anything else?”

“No, but it's bound to mean more work for her.”

“Just another challenge. She'll handle it.”

“I know. I could see she was already thinking things through.”

Mark nodded, that sounded like Britta.

“Well it's what she does. She's a good person to have on our side.”

“That's pretty much what I told her,” related Seb. “I mean not that it's something we've exactly got to deal with right now.”

“No, though we've got our meeting tomorrow.”

“Mm.”

Mark put his hand over Seb's.

“We'll just see what Rachel's got to say,” he reassured.

“Feels like ages since we saw her.”

“Not that long. I'm sure she's been working away on our behalf.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I know. We'll just go and see. At least we're free for a while now.”

“That's true. Okay, well that's good. Now then, where do you fancy cycling later?”

“Hmm...”

Mark smiled as Seb pondered what was now their most important issue of the day. This felt good. Home, ordinary domestic life where they could relax and do what they wanted to without feeling as though their time was snatched and soon to be gone again. The weight of the season was lifted and it felt like free-wheeling downhill.

  
  


Two hours later they had found a spot where they could quite literally do that, cold air rushing by as they sped down a quiet lane, the effortless spin of wheels the reward for slogging up the other side. That felt like their year all round: the long push, straining on until the end of the season and now the days would whizz by, hopefully with just as little stress on them as this. They'd certainly earned it.

  
  


  
  


 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being slow updating. I hope people are still keeping an eye on this.


	185. Warm nests in wintertime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning, this chapter includes some pretty upsetting stuff, not that many other chapters haven't, but just as a heads-up.

* * *

  
  


By Thursday it really did feel as though work had been left behind them. Mark and Seb made the most of their lie in before getting up to have breakfast just in time to be done by the time Pauline arrived. They had a brief chat with her before heading out for their run, stopping for coffee and coming home to walk the dogs and get lunch without feeling rushed which they appreciated when so much of their year felt the opposite. The weather was cold, but seeing as it was the first day of December, it really wasn't all that surprising.

As they had walked through the fields Mark gave Sebastian's hand in his a squeeze.

“You cold?” he checked.

“I'm okay. I like it.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. There had been frost that morning when they ran, but the paths hadn't been too icy seeing as the night had been overcast. Now the sun was fighting its way from behind the clouds and though the rays were still weak, it did at least lend the day a cheerier atmosphere.

“Soon be Christmas,” noted Mark. “We'll have to see if we spot anything in the shops on Saturday to add to our decorations.”

Sebastian smiled. He thought it odd that Mark hadn't had decorations for Christmas in the past. Even in Switzerland Seb had managed to have a couple little items that had comforted him; a little gold star that he placed on the mantel above the fireplace and a tiny wire-frame Christmas tree no bigger than his hand that Seb had placed on the window ledge in the lounge, tucked over to the side so it wouldn't be noticed in case Heikki spotted it and used it against him, mocking him for being childish or making him throw it away.

The tiniest things like that felt like he had something for himself. Sebastian thought no one would ever truly understand how those things had mattered, how they had felt like a fraction of his true self survived in them and how devastating it would have been for them to be taken away. Now he was free to do what he wanted. To indulge in the silly childish joys of the season and if Mark teased him it was only ever the gentlest of teasing, never unkind and never suggesting that it was something he should be ashamed of. He got to be himself now.

 

“That'd be nice Liebling,” Seb offered.

Mark smiled back and gave Simba a pet as he dashed over to before running away again.

“Do you think we could go get a tree next week or is it too soon?” asked Seb.

Mark looked back from where he was peering at what the dogs were now busy investigating over at the edge of the field a way off.

“Hmm? No sweetheart we can ask them which type last longest.”

Sebastian smiled and took in a nice deep breath of cold air, letting it out in a ghost of steam from his mouth. Mark gave him a wink.

“We'll have to watch these guys around it mind.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It survived last year.”

“True. We'll have to buy them some more toys to distract them.”

Seb chuckled.

“You're spoiling them.”

“Ah not really. They count as Christmas presents.”

“Ha, well that's alright then.”

He let go of Mark's hand and moved to hold onto his arm instead, leaning more into Mark's side.

“Rachel might have more things for us next week,” Seb noted.

“Well I'm sure we'll fit in a spot of Christmas shopping,” assured Mark.

“Do you think she'll have any more possibilities for us?”

“Let's hope so.” Mark turned his head and kissed Seb's cheek. “We've all the time in the world now. Plenty of time for meetings and shopping and anything else.”

“I love December,” declared Sebastian.

Mark chuckled.

“Really? I hadn't noticed.”

Seb narrowed his eyes at him, but he was hiding a smile and not very well, so Mark just smiled back.

“Me too darling, it's the best month. My favourite.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian smiled properly now and Mark huffed a little laugh. How could this not be his favourite month now? They were home, happy, no stresses, only nice things to look forward to. Plus he got Seb looking like this, all pink cheeks and shining eyes, cutely wrapped up against the cold. It was almost a shame they had to go out this afternoon when the idea of lighting the fire and snuggling up on the sofa was appealing. Ah well, perhaps they could do that tomorrow once they were all set for their visitors arriving? For now they had something else to get on with and Mark was hopeful that they would come out of their meeting feeling as though they were back to making progress with their adoption plans once more.

  
  


 

 

As Mark and Sebastian sat down in Rachel's office she was glad to see that they appeared in a positive mood, particularly given that things had not gone too well last time. Given how packed their schedules had been three weeks had passed, but Rachel suspected that was no bad thing.

“Mark,” she smiled. “I believe congratulations are in order. Your win, the championship. I saw it in the papers. Well done.”

Mark smiled back and gave her a nod.

“Thanks. Oh before I forget, I meant to say, my boss got back to me to confirm that he'd spoken to our HR department about taking parental leave.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, just in theoretical terms for now, but it's all fine, you know for when it needs to be.”

“Ah right, well that's good. And you're all done with work for the year now?”

“Yep, all done.”

“We both are,” chimed Seb. “I had my last race this weekend gone, though the least said about that the better.”

Rachel nodded, she'd seen Sebastian's unfortunate end to his race and hadn't intended to mention it.

“Well I'm sure you're glad to have some time at home for a while.”

“Oh gosh yes,” Seb agreed. “I had my final meeting in work yesterday but now we're all done.”

He smiled over at her and Rachel got the impression that he was more than happy to have finished for the year.

“How are you?” enquired Sebastian.

“Busy as ever I'm guessing,” Mark added with a nod to the never decreasing pile of paperwork on her desk.

Rachel smiled and gave a little acknowledging tip of her head.

“Ah well you know, I don't like to get bored.”

Mark coughed a laugh and Sebastian shook his head.

“You will get a break for Christmas too won't you?” Seb checked.

“Oh yes thanks I will, but that's a long way off yet. I should be off between Christmas and a bit into New Year,” Rachel assured them. “Unless anything major crops up I have to deal with I am owed a bit of holiday.”

“I should think so.”

“Not for a while though, so I have been keeping an eye out for you, looking for any cases that might be a match.”

“Oh?”

Sebastian glanced to Mark, not wanting to get ahead of himself.

“Yes.” Rachel looked at the pair opposite her. “Now then I did want to talk to you about a case that is at the top of my current priority list.”

 

Seb nodded encouragingly and Mark was tempted to reach to take his hand, but he didn't want to let them build this up too much.

“So would you like to hear the details?” she checked.

“Of course,” answered Mark on their behalf.

“Now it's only very preliminary, just to get your thoughts. The case itself is a priority, but it is also one that I should warn you is not entirely resolved.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well we are still looking at all options on it. There is a possibility that we may find a carer within the family.”

“Oh right, but you're still looking for adopters?”

“We are looking at that as a possibility, yes,” Rachel confirmed. “The child urgently needs a stable family so it's our duty to look into all options to try to get the situation resolved as quickly as possible. At present they're in temporary foster care and that is not ideal.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, so what is the situation then? It's a kid needing a home?”

“Yes. I think perhaps it's best if I keep it anonymous for now. It is a rather difficult situation, but then those that occur like this often are.”

She opened up the file at the top of her pile and looked at them again.

“You okay to hear it?”

“Of course.”

“Right, okay so the child in question is six months old and as I say in temporary foster care after an emergency order was put in place.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark again at that. Anything that required an emergency care order couldn't spell something good. He hoped they weren't about to hear something horrible.

“As this happened only last week we are at the moment looking at any possible family options and possible adoptive homes,” Rachel continued.

“So there might be family to take them?” checked Seb.

“The father lives and works in the United States, though he apparently split from the mother before the child was born and has played no part in his life to date.” Rachel looked up at them. “So far the father has shown no inclination to change that.”

“You've been in touch with him?”

“Yes.” Rachel's lips pursed slightly as she replied and Sebastian suspected what her opinion was on that, though she would never say so. “His response has been to say he is not in a position to take responsibility for the child.”

Mark wanted to roll his eyes and say that as the father surely the child already was his responsibility whether he liked it or not, but perhaps someone with such an attitude shouldn't have a child in their care anyway.

“So now we are looking at any extended family, but we also need to look at possibly finding a permanent adoptive home,” Rachel explained. “I appreciate that it may seem odd to do the two concurrently, but our priority is to resolve this as quickly as possible. Laura is currently working on that side, while I take the adoptive side.”

“So you don't waste time?” offered Seb.

“Exactly. Now I realise that could be putting you in a difficult position, but are you still willing to consider it?”

“Um.” Seb looked to Mark, exchanging a tiny nod. “Yeah, I mean of course.”

“Can't hurt to talk about it, right?” added Mark, thinking of how Sebastian had said they would get nowhere waiting on only sure things in their attempts to adopt.

 

Rachel nodded and gave them a smile.

“Good. Thank you for being so understanding. Okay, so the child's details then; A boy, six months old, in reasonably good health, although he is a little underweight and unfortunately he has suffered some neglect.”

Sebastian's lips automatically pouted at that. How could anyone neglect a baby? It made him want to immediately say they would take the child, no matter what, but he restrained himself to listen to all that she had to say so they understood what they might be getting into.

“But he's okay?” Seb asked.

Rachel nodded.

“He's been seen by doctors and they've put him on a diet to feed him up a bit to get him to what would be the expected weight range for his age, but it is thankfully not too dramatic. I hate to say it, but I have seen worse. When he was taken into care he was sadly in quite a state of distress, in need of a good feed, clean clothing and a warm bed.”

“Oh god,” let out Sebastian quietly.

Mark sighed and did take Seb's hand now. Rachel gave them a sympathetic look.

“I know it's upsetting to hear, I'm sorry. I can assure you he is in the best of care at the moment, being very well looked after by one of our experienced foster carers. I saw them yesterday and he was really doing so much better. It is reassuring to see what love and care can do for a child.”

“So he'll be alright?” checked Seb.

“Yes we have every expectation that he'll be fine in the long-term. He wasn't in serious ill-health thankfully. It seems the situation descended fairly rapidly so we must be thankful that it didn't go on any longer.”

“So what about the mother?” enquired Mark.

“Hm, well things aren't good there I'm afraid. Now all this is confidential,” Rachel reminded them.

“Of course.”

“Mm, unfortunately she wasn't in a good situation either, financially or in her general well-being. It seems there was undiagnosed post-natal depression coupled with no family support. The flat had no heating or hot water because of unpaid bills and I'm sad to say rather than seeking help it seems she tried and failed to cope and things spiralled badly.”

Mark puffed out a breath.

“Bloody hell.”

“That's awful,” sympathised Sebastian.

Rachel nodded.

“I'm afraid it gets worse.”

Seb steeled himself to hear what she said next. He didn't want to imagine what it could be.

“She took an overdose of painkillers and that sadly is how things really came to light. Neighbours heard the baby crying and called the police.”

“Jesus,” sighed Mark. “She did that with the kid there?”

Rachel shrugged.

“I'm afraid the medical judgement is that she wasn't of sound mind at the time.”

“No I suppose not.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No, but, god what if no one had called the police?”

Rachel nodded.

“It doesn't bear thinking about,” she agreed. “They had to break the door down, but thankfully they got there in time, for both the mother and child.”

 

What could have happened if they had not hung heavily unsaid. Both Sebastian and Mark guessed that hours must have passed for the crying to be so persistent that a neighbour had understood something was wrong and cared enough to take action. Thank god for thin walls.

“What's happened with her?” enquired Sebastian.

“She's currently receiving treatment. Actually I'm afraid to say she has been sectioned for her own protection.”

“Sectioned?” frowned Seb not recognising the term.

“A compulsory order that she stays under medical care. It's for her own good. She does accept that and she was destraught afterwards when she fully understood what the consequences of her actions could have been, but she has said that she can't cope with the baby and wants him to go to a good home. There is also the factor that the police are considering charging her with neglect and even possibly endangerment of the child, but at the moment Laura is actually trying to advise against that. In the circumstances it's not helpful, particularly if she is willingly giving the child into care so the issue cannot reoccur.”

“Is she going to be alright?”

Rachel gave Seb a little smile at his compassion.

“Hopefully she is getting the help she needs now. She did do her best for a while and then, well I don't know what triggered things seeing as the last doctor's report on the child from only a month ago was positive.”

 

Mark wanted to be angry at a mother that could selfishly try to take their own life without a care for their child, putting them in such terrible danger, but as he glanced out of the window at the steely winter sky he suddenly pictured a bleak council flat in winter; No heating, no hot water to bath a child or wash clothes properly, no money and no help and a screaming child unbalancing someone who was already in trouble. How desperate that woman must have been. Sebastian squeezed his hand thinking much the same. He understood desperation, though it was hard to imagine reaching such a stage as trying to end things when a young life depended on you. She couldn't have been in her right mind, surely?

“Winter,” said Mark.

“Hm?” frowned Rachel at the seeming non-sequitur.

“It's winter. The weather. It's gone so much colder after the past month. If she had no heating and that.”

“Oh. Yes.” Rachel nodded as she thought about it. “Yes you may well be right. Very sad that things could come to such a stage in this day and age. You'd think it doesn't happen but I'm sad to say I see the same and worse. Unfortunately it often only comes to light when they reach crisis point as here. I suppose trying to find positives, they did find them in time and they are getting help.”

“Is she likely to try to get the child back?” asked Mark.

Rachel shook her head.

“No I'm afraid without going into too much detail there are other issues there. There's no evidence she intentionally caused harm to her child, but he was put in very serious danger so even if at a later date she was in a better life situation then there would be difficulty there, though I should say one of the reasons we look at extended family is that it might possibly hold out the hope for future contact.”

Mark nodded, then looked to Seb.

“You alright?” he checked quietly.

Sebastian nodded. He hated thinking about such things happening in the world, but he knew they did. At least the child was safe now and that poor mother was being cared for. What a mess. It hurt to think of her trying to cope and only getting worse with every day. He could understand why someone wouldn't ask for the help they needed and how they might still manage to present a front to the world, trying not to appear a failure even when everything was falling apart.

“So do you think it's likely there's any family if they weren't already helping?” he asked.

Rachel opened out her hands.

“That's what Laura is still working on. It seems the father is a dead end and her own family aren't so far providing any help, but we keep looking.”

“But you are considering adoption?”

“Very early stages of interest,” she qualified. “I don't want to get ahead on this when the case is very fresh to us, but at the same time we don't want the child in care any longer than he has to be. He really is in need of a loving home.”

 

Sebastian nodded, suddenly fighting the urge to cry. He wanted to say they'd just take him right now, whatever the circumstances. He pushed out a calming breath and looked to Mark who he could see already guessed what was in his head. Seb rubbed his thumb over the back of Mark's hand and looked back to Rachel, wondering how she she managed with her job when she often made comments such as she had today when she said this wasn't the worst of cases. How must she cope with the really terrible ones? Presumably only by feeling she was helping to make things better.

Rachel looked back at them, thinking she really did need to raise another point before they went any further.

“Now, um, before we talk more I do need to mention something else with regard to the child.”

Both Mark and Sebastian looked to her, wondering what else there could be.

“So you should be aware that the child is mixed-race. I know we've not really discussed this in depth until now, but I don't know if you consider that a factor? It's can be a complicated issue in adoption. Officially we do of course take it into account, but above all our priority is always to find children safe loving homes and as quickly as possible.”

She looked at them and then glanced at the time.

“You know I think I could do with a coffee? Would you like one, or tea? All this talking.”

Rachel smiled over at them and both Seb and Mark realised that she was plainly offering them some time to talk alone.

“Um, sure. I could use a drink,” agreed Mark.

“Great. Tea, coffee?”

“Coffee thanks, black no sugar.”

“Seb?”

“I'll have a tea, thank you, just a drop of milk, no sugar.”

“Right, I'll just be a few minutes.”

 

Rachel got up and left the room and as the door shut behind her Sebastian let out the longest sigh.

“My god Mark.”

“I know. Bloody awful. Poor kid.”

“Poor mother too. It sounds a horrible situation.”

“Yeah. Pfff. Okay, so what do you think?”

“Well yes of course we'd take him.”

Mark let out a little laugh at Seb's immediate response. He hadn't really expected anything else.

“Right. Okay sweetheart I agree, kid needs a home. Sounds like he'll be alright with some good tucker and a warm bed.”

“Oh Mark.”

Sebastian's eyes filled with water and Mark put an arm around him.

“Sweetheart they're taking care of him.”

Seb sighed and shook his head.

“I just can't help thinking of him lying in a cot all cold and hungry, crying and his mother not coming. It's so horrible.”

“Yeah it is,” agreed Mark. “She must have been incapable of thinking to do such a thing.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed again. He could almost see that dank and depressing little flat. He hoped the foster carer had a nice warm house and the little boy was tucked up with blankets.

“You want to go get him right now don't you?” guessed Mark.

Seb looked at him and an almost smile ghosted his lips at Mark knowing him too well.

“Don't you?”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“Yeah mate. Poor kid, how could you not?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Do you think they're holding out for a family connection?”

“Mm, sounds like it.”

Sebastian bit his lip. A part of him wished Rachel wouldn't tell them if it might not be a real possibility of adoption, but that wasn't fair on her. Of course a child deserved a permanent home as soon as possible, especially when they hadn't had a decent home until now. The agency were trying to juggle all their balls in the air at once.

“So if they find one then it could come to nothing,” noted Seb.

Mark nodded. It felt rough to be put through this, but this was what they had agreed to.

“It might. Okay so she's covering her bases, which is fair enough I guess. So we say yes, count us in, see what happens?”

“Yeah. You do think so don't you?” checked Seb.

“Yep. I reckon we could look after him, set him right. Give him lots of good food and fresh air, parents he could count on.”

 

Seb's heart gripped a little at the word parents. What he thought the baby needed most was love. He hoped the foster carer was giving him lots of hugs so he felt loved. He must be missing his mother terribly despite what had happened. Seb puffed a long breath to stop himself getting overwhelmed. He could try telling himself not to get too emotionally involved yet, but there wasn't really much hope of that.

“Yeah,” Seb agreed. “And what she said about him being mixed-race. That doesn't bother you?”

Mark shrugged.

“Odds are a kid we're adopting isn't likely to look like us anyway are they? Does it bother you?”

“No course not. I don't see how it would make any difference.”

Mark nodded and gave him a little hug, then smiled.

“I notice she left that until the end.”

“Hm?”

“Rachel. She didn't mention that until she'd told us the rest of the story.”

“Would it had made a difference is she'd said it at the start?”

Mark shook his head.

“No. Guess you have a slightly different picture in your head. You can't help imagining them can you? I wonder what it means I automatically pictured a white child?”

“I think you see yourself,” offered Seb.

“Mm, maybe. Anyway of course it makes no difference. We told them we weren't putting specifics on what we were hoping for anyway didn't we?”

Sebastian nodded.

“What kind of person could hear all that about them and then say no because of that?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Dunno. Not us anyway. Okay, so we tell her to count us in, see what happens, yeah?”

“Yes.”

“It could come to nothing again,” cautioned Mark.

“I know. I suppose... I don't know I guess if it does it'd be because they'd found family for him, so maybe that's not so bad to think of.”

“Yeah, that's a good way to look at it. Okay. Well...”

 

Mark was interrupted by the door tentatively opening. Rachel reappeared juggling three mugs which she set down on her desk before offering out to them. She waited while they all had a sip of their drinks, then was about to ask what they thought when Seb spoke.

“We've had a talk Rachel and we'd like it if you could consider us, you know, if it turns out that he is going to be adopted. We'd like to help.”

Rachel smiled and put her mug down. She'd known they would say that.

“Okay, that's great. Any questions or concerns?”

“Um...”

Seb looked to Mark.

“Only I guess what happens now?”

“Well as I say Laura is investigating any family options that may still be out there, then if that isn't going to happen we come back to you and start looking in more detail.”

“We'd meet him?”

“If things were progressing that way, then yes. For now I wouldn't want to introduce more people into his life when things are confusing enough for him.”

“Of course. No it must be very upsetting for him, but you know if it was looking possible we are cleared to foster-to-adopt aren't we, so he could come to us without too much delay?”

“I don't want to get ahead of ourselves here,” cautioned Rachel.

“I know, but, just as a factor.”

“Of course. We wouldn't do that unless we were fairly confident that the adoption was in process though. It wouldn't be fair on you or the child.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“We understand,” assured Mark.

“Good. And anything else?” checked Rachel.

“I don't suppose you know how long this is going to take, you know, checking for family and stuff?”

“Not really. We are working as fast as we can.”

“Sure.”

“Any other questions?”

“Um, he's gonna be okay, the little fella?”

Rachel nodded.

“He should be, with some TLC and some stability in his life. He has suffered a trauma and of course being separated from his mother, whatever the circumstances, is very distressing to a child, but as he is only a baby we're hopeful that if we can ensure he is with a good permanent family he should have every chance of a positive future.”

“Good. You know we could give him that, right?”

“I do know that. That's why I asked you.”

“Right.”  
  


Rachel looked at them both, tempted to say that barring family involvement she would hand the child over to them without a second thought, but it wasn't fair to raise their hopes too high.

“Oh and regarding the fact he's mixed-race,” she checked. “That's not an issue?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No we just want a child who needs a home.”

“We're adopting Rach, kid's not gonna be a chip off the old block anyway are they?” commented Mark.

Rachel smiled.

“No I suppose not. Well that's a good way to look at it. As I said it's not our top priority. We just have to be sure you'd be comfortable with it.”

“We're fine,” assured Mark.

“Great. Okay, well I guess I need to speak to Laura and see where she's up to and then we can confer, work out where we go next.”

“Sure.”

“No idea when you might get back to us?” asked Seb.

“Well I'll try to speak to you next week. Whether I'll have more of an idea which way things are going by then I can't promise.”

“Okay,” nodded Seb. “So will you just ring us?”

“If that's alright?”

“Course.”

“You've no plans?”

“Um well we have friends visiting this weekend, but after that we've nothing fixed have we Liebling?”

“Nope we're good. Just a spot of Christmas shopping, but we can do that whenever really.”

“Great, that's a big help.”

“You're not likely to need to speak to us this weekend?” checked Sebastian.

“No nothing that soon, besides, barring emergency the council does tend to grind to a halt over the weekend.”

“Ah okay.”

“That's fair enough,” assured Mark. “So any time in the week, just give us a ring and we can come in.”

“I'll do that. Also I should say I am constantly keeping an eye out for any suitable cases, so if this isn't the one, do know I am still working on it for you.”

“Thank you.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and huffed it out. He really needed to try to keep some distance on this. Part of him wanted to ask the child's name, to see a picture, but he knew why Rachel wasn't giving them that. Even the anonymous details made him feel attached to this poor little boy, made him want to go to him and scoop him up into his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay.

 

As they walked out of the council building back towards their car Mark gave Seb's hand a squeeze and looked at him.

“How're you feeling?”

Sebastian let out a breath.

“I dunno Liebling. I'm trying to keep a step back, but it's not easy.”

“No. Well I guess we have to trust they're taking good care of the kid and whatever happens they'll find the best future for him.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. I mean I understand why family would be better, but it doesn't sound like they've helped much so far.”

“True,” agreed Mark. “Though I suppose they might not have realised how bad things were.”

“I suppose. We could give him a good home couldn't we?”

Mark nodded.

“You're not bothered that he's a tiny bit older? Not a newborn.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Six months is still a baby. Besides even if he was older I couldn't say no. He needs a home and a family.”

“Yeah. We could give him a fresh start. Six months is still tiny I guess.”

 

Mark tried picturing in his head what a six month old looked like. Rachel had said he was underweight, so maybe he was a bit small, but they could feed him up, get him healthy and happy, see bright eyes and round cheeks and feel pride to have brought them about. In his mind's eye Mark could see a bonny baby bouncing on his knee. How nice it would be to hear a giggle and know a child had no more memories of any sadness. Six months. At that age he wouldn't remember what had happened. They could start again as a family.

“I suppose we just have to wait and see what Rachel says,” offered Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“I'm trying not to get too... I don't know Liebling, to get too involved just yet. Does that make sense?”

“Course it does sweetheart. You're right. We just need to wait and see. Guess it's a good thing we're going to be busy with Jess and Jenson this weekend.”

“Mm.”

 

As they reached the car Mark leaned in and kissed Seb's cheek.

“Try not to worry about it darling. What will be will be. I think we can trust Rachel to be sure the kid's properly looked after in the meantime.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I know. It's just hard not to want to say he should come to us right now, but I know if say... I don't know, say if they found an aunt or something to take him then it would be awful to have to give him back.”

“Yeah I don't think that would be a good idea for any of us sweetheart. Come on, let's try to forget about it for a while. Let's go home and do something nice, take the dogs out before it goes dark, light the fire and watch a film.”

“That sounds nice Liebling. What shall we watch?”

“You choose.”

“Umm, 'Wall-e'. That okay?”

“Excellent call darling. Let's go home then.”

They climbed back into the car and set off, each looking forward to getting back to their warm and cosy home where they could cuddle up together safe and happy, just like any child ought to be.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


All Friday they tried to avoid thinking about adopting or anything to do with it. Instead they spent their time making sure that they were prepared for their visitors, despite the fact that seeing as Pauline had already prepared one of the spare rooms and cleaned the house the day before there wasn't a whole lot to do. Once that was done and they had walked the dogs, the original plan was to go out on the bikes afterwards, but seeing as a steady cold rain was now falling they ditched that idea and instead swam in the pool, took in an online food order and as it was dark by four, they settled in and did the same as the day before; closing the night out behind the curtains and lighting up the fire. Seb gave Mark his choice of film this time and as they curled up together on the sofa Sebastian thought how content they were like this. The only thing that could make it better would be if they had a little baby nestled in with them.

  
  


They woke up fairly early on Saturday, leaving plenty of time for breakfast and taking the dogs through the fields that had frosted overnight as the air had dried and the temperature dropped. Plumes of steam rose from their lips as they discussed where they might go and how busy it was likely to be.

“We should leave plenty of time to park at the airport,” suggested Seb.

Mark pushed up his coat sleeve to check his watch.

“You want to head back?”

“What time is it?”

“Quarter past nine.”

“Mm, yeah I think so.”

“Righto.”

Mark whistled to the dogs and beckoned them back over.

“Come on boys, home. We'll give you a good feed, set you up for the day.”

“They'll be alright won't they?”

“Course. We won't get back late.”

The dogs gambolled back over to them and they gave them a quick rub as they turned back to the house. Better to be early than late.

  
  


  
  


 

 

As they stood in the meeting area at Heathrow Sebastian held onto Mark's upper arm as they both scanned the arrivals board. Then seeing that they weren't here yet Seb smiled at Mark.

“This feels kindof strange when it's usually one of us waiting for the other.”

“Not so much any more,” noted Mark.

“Yeah true. Maybe we should have sent the plane to collect them?”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“I think they can cope with a two hour hop from Nice.”

“Mm I spose. I think the last time we did this was for my brother.”

“Yeah guess so. Summer feels a long time ago.”

“It really does,” agreed Seb, thinking how cold they had been that morning.

He let out a long breath and looked around at all the people milling about waiting for others or travellers who had arrived, rushing on their way. It felt kind of nice to be here without the heightened emotions that came with counting the seconds until Mark appeared, worrying that somehow something could go wrong and he wouldn't see that tall figure with the warm smile appearing through the crowd. Even waiting for his brother was a little stressful as Seb always felt responsible for him, but just meeting friends carried none of that, they were even early, so all they had to do was twiddle their thumbs for a while and just wait.

  
  


It was another half hour of kicking their heels before their friends arrived, but that was all forgotten as soon as they were buried in hugs and greetings. As Jess finally let Seb go Jenson moved in for a back-slapping hug, lifting away with a grin.

“How you coping with this fella then?” he asked.

Sebastian frowned.

“Huh?”

“World champion now. It's not gone to his head has it?”

To the side Mark rolled his eyes, but Seb was already pulling a face and stepping back into Mark's side.

“Long overdue,” stated Sebastian firmly. “And he hasn't changed a bit.”

Jess tsk'd and batted at Jenson's arm.

“Don't start. Mark, it's wonderful and we're very pleased for you, aren't we Jense?”

She looked at him firmly and Jenson shook his head.

“I was joking! They know that.”

“We do thankfully,” agreed Mark.

“See. 'sides I've already said congrats about a thousand times.”

“It's fine,” Mark assured, mostly for Jessica's benefit.

“Hmm, he thinks he's funnier than he is,” she commented.

“They know I'm kidding,” Jenson defended.

“Well I am very proud of him. And Mark doesn't have a big head at all. He's hardly even mentioned it,” stated Seb firmly.

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you sweetheart.” He looked back to the other couple. “Seb on the other hand is thinking of getting a t-shirt with 'My husband is world champion' printed on it.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Am not.”

“Yeah I bet you'd have worn it in Abu Dhabi.”

“Helmut would finally have snapped.”

“Yeah probably,” agreed Mark affably.

“You could have matching shirts,” noted Jess.

“Mark's would need 'was' not 'is',” Seb pointed out.

“We should totally get those for your Christmas presents,” offered Jenson.

“Oh god, no then we really would become one of those couples.”

“Ah well, guess not,” accepted Jess.

Jenson was still grinning and Sebastian suspected that they would in fact wind up with a pair of matching t-shirts as one of their presents this year. Not to be worn in public perhaps, but it might be funny to tease Mark by putting it on at home. He'd probably enjoy taking it off him. That might be rather fun. Plus he could wear it in bed if he was stuck alone in some hotel far away at a race sometime. Silly, but kind of nice all the same.

“Right, enough gassing,” decided Mark. “Shall we get going?”

“Lead on,” replied Jenson, picking up his bag while Mark insisted on taking Jessica's, leaving her to link arms with Seb while he walked alongside Jenson to take them to their car.

  
  


  
  


An hour or so later they were walking the streets of London, having parked the car nearby for an exorbitant rate so they could head directly home afterwards. They wandered around a bit, finding the streets just as busy as they had expected them to be four weeks before Christmas, but the bustle wasn't unpleasant when you had nowhere you had to be and weren't in a rush. Finding a coffee shop that wasn't bursting at the seams, they sat down together to enjoy a catch up and a bite to eat and drink.

“So you're alright having dinner at ours tonight?” checked Seb.

“Course,” affirmed Jenson. “More than alright, that's great isn't it Jessy?”

“Absolutely.”

“We thought we could go out for lunch tomorrow at one of the nice pubs out in the countryside round us,” Seb offered.

Jenson smiled.

“Pub grub. Excellent. Roasties, gravy, break all the rules.”

Sebastian looked over to Jess thinking that didn't sound her thing.

“We'll make sure we pick somewhere with lots of other options too.”

Jess shook her head.

“Don't worry. I'm sure it'll be lovely. I brought some sturdy boots this time so I'm all set for some dog walking.”

Jenson fitted his arm around her where they sat opposite Seb and Mark at the little table tucked in the corner of the coffee shop.

“All kitted out for the country, aren't you?”

“I am,” smiled Jess. “And we brought swimwear so we can try your pool.”

“Great.”

“Who's playing chef tonight then?” asked Jenson.

“Oh Mark mostly.”

“Nah, we're both doing it,” stated Mark. “We thought that we could have a nice couple of bottles of red to go with the steak if that sounds good to you?”

“Sounds magnificent,” assured Jenson.

“Very nice,” Jess chimed. “So are we just having a wander round town this afternoon?”

“If that's okay with you?” Seb checked.

“Hey you know me; many shops, happy girl.”

“Great, oh and we though we could work our way around to be back on Oxford Street by four so we can see the decorations all lit up.”

Jess could see her husband was about to make a joke so she stepped in.

“That sound lovely and Christmassy. Perfect.”

“And then we'll just head back,” picked up Mark. “Have a nice relaxed evening at home.”

“Sounds good mate,” assented Jenson.

“Great.”

  
  


Not long later they began wending their way around the shops, strolling through department stores and smaller shops to pick up a few presents for family members as they went. Mark had been going to suggest they go to the giant toy shop Hamley's, but given their recent meeting with Rachel he decided that was best avoided and no doubt it would be heaving anyway so they stuck to the more grown-up side of things, Jess restraining herself from doing any real clothes shopping as she knew the others would soon get bored.

Despite not having any real plan or purpose, time seemed to fly by and though they got a few looks, it was so busy that they managed to get lost in the crowd. Mark was almost surprised at the number of bags he had wound up carrying, but then if they had found presents without really trying too hard that was all the better. They could post things off to his family with time to spare and Jess had been very useful in advising what would be good purchases for both his nieces and their sisters, so it was good to get that done.

  
  


By the time it was getting dark they were walking along a now heaving Oxford Street, Mark joking that they clearly weren't the only ones to have this idea today. He looked to Seb expecting a response only to see such a happy smile on his face at seeing everything lit up that Mark simply shook his head and slung his free arm around him.

“Like it?”

“Yeah.”

The lights reflected in Sebastian's eyes and Mark wished he could get a picture of them to capture the happiness there. He pulled out his phone.

“Smile.”

Sebastian already was, but he focussed on the camera as Mark put his arm around him to take a selfie of the two of them, then snapped a few more of their friends, of Seb with Jess, of the decorations and even an attempt at cramming all four of them into one shot. As they looked at it, all of them laughed at the lop-sided picture.

“Ha, I need longer arms,” joked Mark.

“You should get a selfie-stick,” advised Jenson.

“Oh god no.”

Jenson shrugged. They did look pretty ridiculous it was true.

“Shall we walk on?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian nodded and they continued on their way, looking at all the displays in the windows and on the shop-fronts that had really gone to town for the season.

“Must cost a fair whack all this,” noted Jenson.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Come back in a week and our lounge'll probably put this to shame.”

Sebastian knew that was a little tease aimed his way but Mark merely gave him a wink and a little squeeze in.

“Oh really?” Jenson replied, remembering Mark making some previous comment way back about Seb being a big fan of the festivities.

“Yeah well, might as well do it properly,” Mark asserted.

“Do you get a big tree?” asked Jess.

“Yeah there's a place not far from us. Get the biggest we can squeeze in. Seb's the expert at decorating though.”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“We both do it.”

“Course we do,” concurred Mark. “It's good fun.”

“That sounds nice,” offered Jessica. “We've not really got room have Jense?”

“Not so much. Still, we'll be at my mum's for Christmas this year so she'll have a tree. We're not too hard done by.”

 

They paused outside a particularly fancy window display, complete with moving parts and lights, then as they were a fair way down the road and it was only getting busier now it was dark, Seb turned to Mark.

“Shall we head back Liebling? There might be traffic.”

“Righto, yeah if you guys are good to go?”

Jess and Jenson replied in the affirmative so they made their way back to the multi-storey car-park and fought their way out of the city, through the thronged streets and the busy, though thankfully moving, M25 until they were on the A-roads and eventually the country lanes where even the street-lights petered out and all other traffic disappeared. Sebastian felt himself relaxing as they did. It was fun to visit a big city, but he never felt at home in such an environment and it was nice to get back to the countryside where they belonged.

 

  
  


  
  


It felt later than it was when they got home, but there was no need to hurry seeing as they were staying in, so they sat drinking tea in the kitchen while the dogs enjoyed having a fuss made of them. Then Mark and Seb finally showed their guests to their room and left them to settle in while they checked they had all they needed for dinner and started preparing it. By the time Jess and Jenson came back down they found the two of them industriously working away. They paused in the doorway and watched for a moment, Jenson giving Jess a smile as they both thought how happily domesticated the pair were. He winked at her and huffed a little laugh.

“You guys alright there or can we help with anything?” he asked.

Both Seb and Mark turned around from what they were doing on the other side of the kitchen.

“Oh there you are,” greeted Mark. “Got all you need?”

“We're all set,” assured Jessica. “Is there anything we can do?”

“Um, not really. I think we've got it in hand. Would you like a drink?”

Jenson looked to Jessica who shrugged, so Mark decided they might as well make a start. He looked over to where Seb was preparing the salad.

“You alright with red?”

“I am. Jess?”

“Fine by me.”

“Where did we stash the wine sweetheart?”

Sebastian looked over to the other side where the wine rack was, but they hadn't got as far as putting them in there seeing as Mark had ordered a couple of nice bottles in for yesterday.

“Oh I know, hang on.”

 

Seb set about finding the wine and bringing over glasses then let Jenson get on with opening one while Sebastian fetched a jug of water as well to balance things out. Mark was busy asking them how they liked their steak done as Seb let Jess help him set the table.

“We're alright in here?” he checked as he looked to their guests.

“Course, much more relaxed,” assured Jess.

“Yeah just watch the boys don't try snaffling your food,” warned Mark.

He ducked down to check the oven and Seb smiled to Jess.

“Mark does these potato things, they're kindof naughty, but they're so good. You have to try them.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, kindof little hedgehogs. Liebling what are they called?”

“Hasselback potatoes,” reminded Mark. He smiled and stood by Seb. “Hedgehogs works though. You just do loads of little slices in smallish spuds, bit of olive oil, rosemary and garlic salt, stick em in the oven nice and early. I prepped them yesterday so I just had to put them in to roast.”

“Wow, sounds fantastic,” smiled Jess.

“Mark's a great cook,” praised Sebastian.

“Hidden depths,” joked Jenson.

“You have no idea mate,” agreed Mark. “Right, they need another fifteen minutes or so. Let's see what this wine's like.”

  
  


  
  


They spent a pleasant relaxed evening, eating and drinking, chatting about the fun they had had in Japan and what they planned to do over Christmas. As they were home there was no rush to pay bills or be moved on by impatient restaurant staff, so they took their time before moving into the lounge, taking the wine with them. Mark lit the fire while Seb put some music on in the background and they continued chatting, the dogs coming with them to enjoy being fussed over before eventually going to settle in front of the fire, lying into one another for a nap.

“They look happy,” commented Jenson.

“I should think so,” Mark smiled looking over at them. “All that steak Seb snuck them, they must be stuffed.”

He noticed that the bottle of wine they had brought through was empty so he sat up and glanced to Seb and Jessica sat on the other sofa.

“You guys want a drink?”

“Um, I think I might be done Liebling,” excused Sebastian seeing as he was still nursing a half full wineglass.

Jess answered similarly but Mark glass was empty, as was Jenson's.

“What about you mate? Shall we open another bottle?”

Jenson shrugged.

“Yeah why not?”

Mark got up to go to the kitchen and Jenson went with him, leaving the other two alone as they sorted it out.

 

Sebastian shook his head at Jess.

“Any more and I won't be getting up tomorrow.”

Jessica laughed and nodded.

“Me too. I don't know where those two put it.”

Seb shrugged.

“Taller I guess. I dunno. I've never been that great with alcohol.”

“Ah well. This is nice though.”

“Yeah Mark's good at picking out wine. We only have it now and then with us racing though.”

“Of course. Well you're into the break now.”

Seb smiled and raised his glass which Jessica clinked hers into to say cheers.

 

“So apart from putting up your Christmas decorations, what have you got coming up?” she enquired.

“Ah well we were going to go shopping for presents, but we got quite a few today, so that's good. Thanks for your tips.”

“My pleasure.”

“What have you got coming up?” enquired Seb. “Are you still working?”

“Yep. Back in Tokyo next week.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah not for too long. Good to keep busy.”

“Mm, I'm just glad the season's over to be honest.”

Jessica nodded.

“Have you got any more work planned for you trying to adopt?”

“Um, yeah.”

Seb paused. He'd rather avoided the topic until now, but he was quite a few wines in now and he leaned sideways into the back of the sofa facing Jess.

“Everything alright?” checked Jess.

“Yeah. Um, yeah we've had a few meetings. We had one the other day actually.”

“Oh? That sounds promising.”

“Mm, it's tricky. I dunno, I'm trying to be a bit tougher about it all.”

“Tougher?” frowned Jessica.

“Yeah. Thing is we had a disappointment. A few weeks back. Seems longer now I guess, but at the time it really hurt, more than I'd been expecting if I'm honest.”

“Oh sweetie.”

“It was only early days with a possible match but I guess I took it to heart a bit too much.”

Jess shook her head.

“I can't imagine. It must be so difficult.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath.

“It is hard, cos we have to be open to trying and hearing all options and possibilities, but at the same time it's hard to do that without getting your hopes up.”

“Of course. Oh Seb. You didn't say.”

Seb shrugged.

“It was difficult, cos it's all confidential you see, so I can't share the details.”

“No of course.”

“And then really I guess I just tried to throw myself into racing and the end of the season to distract myself. Mark was really good about it. I mean I'm sure it wasn't easy for him either, but well... anyway, we just keep going and there's been so much happening lately.”

“Sure, but you said you had another meeting this week?”

“Yeah.”

“So that's another possibility?”

“It could be.”

“Oh wow, that's great.”

“Mm, just like I said, I'm trying really hard not to get too deep into it. It was only a discussion.”

“So you've not got any further?”

“No. It's a pretty complicated case.”

“You can't talk about it?”

“I don't think so. There are rules and... well, I'm trying not to think about it too much. It's an upsetting case.”

“Really? Oh Seb, that must be hard.”

“Yeah, but I dunno, when you think about it all we do is hear about it. It's far harder on those involved.”

“Of course.”

“So, anyway, for now we just wait and see if it progresses or not.”

Jess nodded and put her hand on his arm.

“I don't know how you do it.”

Seb shrugged.

“We've got to. It's the only way we'll get to adopt. We just have to keep hoping, stay open. Rachel, she's our case worker, she works so hard and the cases she must deal with. Honestly Jess they'd break your heart. It's tough enough just what she tells us. This latest one...” He sighed and shook his head. “I can't get into the details, but it is upsetting and you know of course we just want to sweep in and say we'll take them, but it's not that simple.”

“No I suppose not.”

“You just hear such sad stories.”

Jess nodded sympathetically.

“I suppose they're likely to be if it comes to children needing adopting.”

“I guess.”

“Hard to hear though I'm sure.”

“Mm. It gets into your head, you know? The latest one. I don't even know their names yet and I find myself worrying about them, wishing I could help.”

Jess sighed and rubbed his arm.

You're a good person, that's why. I'm sure when do find you a child you'll do such a fantastic job.”

“I hope so. To be honest I spend a lot of my time trying to shut it out. I don't want to let it take over when I know we could be disappointed again.”

“Yeah.” Jess nodded. “Okay, well, shall we change the subject?”

“I think so. Sorry Jess.”

“No no, of course, I understand. I think you're very brave doing this. I hope it works out.”

Seb shrugged and Jess gave him a smile.

“Okay,” she began. “Let's talk about something nice. Why don't you tell me about what you're going to do to decorate the house for Christmas? I bet you've got it all planned.”

Seb smiled back at her.

“Well, okay so we have a load of stuff we bought last year and then we thought we'd go looking for a some more...”

  
  


Jenson and Mark walked back in with their fresh bottle of wine, still busily chatting about things that had gone on at the celebration even in Stuttgart recently. Before they sat down Mark offered Seb and Jess some more wine.

“Oh no I think we're okay aren't we,” declined Jess.

“Yeah I'm good thank you Liebling.”

“What are you two talking about then?” enquired Jenson.

Jess shook her head.

“Oh you know, shopping, Christmas...”

Jenson shook his head and went to sit over on the other side with a look to Mark, but Mark simply gave Seb a smile.

“Right, shall we play cards or something?” he proposed.

“I am excellent at cards,” asserted Jenson.

Jess laughed.

“Oh god, that's just asking us to beat you now.”

“What shall we play?” asked Mark.

“Not poker,” requested Sebastian. “I've never really got it.”

“Fine.”

“We can play snap if you want,” offered Jenson.

Sebastian sat up and shook his head.

“I'm not _that_ bad.”

“Gin rummy?” suggested Mark.

“Sure.”

“Right, I'll find a pack. Must be one in a drawer somewhere. Give me a mo.”  
  


A few minutes later they were sat around the coffee table, the other sofa pulled forwards to make playing easier. Mark went over the rules to remind everyone and soon they were playing, laughing as everyone got too competitive and Jenson narrowed his eyes at them, mostly joking when he accused them of ganging up on him to stop him winning. Jess merely smiled at him sat beside her.

“Shouldn't go declaring yourself a little genius then should you?”

Jenson sighed and took a drink of his wine. Big mistake to rile his wife.

“Oh I know,” remembered Mark. “The kids left a pack of Uno cards in the summer. We can play that. Hang on.”

He jumped up and went to find them, explaining the game to Jessica who somehow had never come across it. The game was fun and had the added bonus of being very simple for when they had worked their way through a few bottles of wine. Soon time was flying as they relaxed, childishly celebrating when they won, laughing and giggling as one or other despaired at losing just when they thought they were on the brink of victory and generally doing an excellent job of forgetting any and all troubles to do with the real world outside.

  
  


By midnight they were all flagging and the fire was starting to die down. The air was still warm though and with more than a couple of glasses of wine consumed, a soporific atmosphere was descending on the room. They'd given up on cards and put the room to rights, returning to chatting. Mark finished off his glass of wine and looked over to Seb who was looking sleepy on the other sofa, leaning his head on the back of it as if he might drop off at any moment. If he was going to fall asleep Mark would far rather it was into him than Jess. He turned to Jenson by his side.

“Right mate that's me done. Do you want anything?”

“Hmm?”

Jenson blinked and sat up a bit, realising he had been drifting himself there.

“No mate I think I'm for bed. Jess?”

“Huh?”

Jenson huffed a laugh and shook his head thinking they all could do with getting some sleep. Mark had stood already deciding to leave tidying up until morning. He looked to be sure that the fire-guard was securely in place and left the dogs where they were rather than shoo them into the kitchen seeing as they looked so comfortable. As he stood by the other sofa Sebastian looked up at him.

“We going to bed Liebling?”

“I think so. Want a hand?”

Sebastian smiled and offered up his arms, yawning at the same time and Mark laughed as he hauled him up. Seb stood on heavy legs and rested his head onto Mark's shoulder.

“Tired?” teased Mark.

“Mmm.”

Mark huffed another laugh and gave him a kiss.

“Come on sweetheart, bed, before we all fall asleep here.”

“Yeah 'kay.”

Seb continued to lean into him, Mark's arm wrapped around as they looked to the other two, Jess now standing with them.

“You've got everything you need?” checked Seb.

“Yep we're good,” assured Jenson.

“Don't think we'll be getting up early so there's no rush in the morning,” stated Mark.

“Right you are.”

“If you do get up though, feel free to help yourself to anything in the kitchen,” Seb offered, “oh and the same in your bathroom.”

“Very kind,” smiled Jessica. “Gosh I'm pooped. Let's go to bed.”

They all trooped up the stairs to their respective bedrooms and bathrooms, Jess and Jenson conveniently placed in one of the spare rooms down the corridor by the extra bathroom so they all had their own space.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


True to their word, none of them rushed to get up the following morning. Sebastian woke to see the sun was creeping around the edge of the curtains in their room already but the house was still and quiet. Mark was asleep so he lifted carefully away so as to not disturb him and reached for the glass of water on the side to take a drink, glad that he had thought to intersperse his wine with water the previous night. He checked the time and was surprised to see it was earlier than he had expected. As he lay back down, despite being careful, Mark shifted and let out a little noise before his eyes opened to see Seb looking at him.

“Morning Liebling. How're you feeling?”

“Hmm?”

Mark took in a deep breath and rubbed at his face, then stretched out, making Seb smile. Seb leaned in closer to him.

“Do you want some water?”

Mark was still waking up and it took a moment before his brain caught up and he nodded, sitting to take a deep drink of water and then settling back down under the nice warm duvet. He snuck his arms around Seb and pulled him in close.

“Mmm.”

Seb huffed a laugh as he looked at him.

“You okay?” he checked.

“Yeah, mm, nice and cosy.”

Sebastian smiled at how content Mark seemed. It was so nice to wake up at home together on a Sunday morning for the first time in a while. He snuggled in up against Mark, his head against Mark's shoulder as he looked up to him.

“I don't think we need to go anywhere just yet.”

“Good,” smiled Mark.

“Are you feeling the wine?” Seb enquired.

“Hm, dunno, think I'm okay. We can have a decent breakfast in a bit, soak it up.”

“Yeah. Not heard anything so I think Jess and JB are still asleep.”

“I'm sure they are. What time is it, do you know?”

“Only half eight.”

“Really? Uff, not getting up for a while then.”

 

Sebastian smiled and smoothed a hand over Mark's chest under the duvet. Things still felt hazy and he was in no hurry to move either.

“No. This is nice,” Seb agreed.

“Mmm.”

Seb huffed a laugh at Mark and stretched up to kiss him.

“ _Very_ nice,” continued Mark, making Seb laugh again.

He turned more onto his side and Sebastian shifted to be level with him so they could kiss more easily. As they parted for air Seb took in a deep breath and matched Mark's smile. Mark stroked his palm over Seb's waist down to his hip and raised an eyebrow. Sebastian bit his lip as Mark's smile broadened.

“If we're not in a rush to get up,” started Mark.

“Mm.”

“You don't want to?”

Sebastian paused before responding.

“I suppose they are on the other side of the house.”

Mark chuckled and gave him a kiss.

“That's true. Old house, thick walls...”

He left off, about to say they could just have a nice cuddle up if Seb wasn't comfortable with more when their friends were staying, when Seb glanced over to the side.

“If we lock the door?” Seb proposed.

Mark smiled and nodded. He didn't think that even Jenson was likely to just stroll into their room to say good morning, but he wasn't going to argue. Instead he tore back the duvet and dashed across the room to lock the door before bouncing back into bed.

“Ooof chilly!” he complained as he hauled the duvet back over and snuggled into Sebastian, shivering against him as he returned to the warmth.

“Shhh,” chided Seb.

“I'm all cold now.” Mark grinned. “Don't suppose you could warm me up could you darling?”

Sebastian laughed quietly and rubbed over Mark's skin.

“Mmm,” smiled Mark.

Seb laughed again.

“That nice Liebling?”

“Very. Hmm, now, how else could we warm up properly?”

Sebastian looked at him innocently.

“I don't know Liebling. I'm sure you've got some ideas.”

Mark reached to tickle him and Seb fell onto his back, giggling as quietly as he could manage. As Mark slowed and moved instead to position himself over him, Seb looked at Mark a little more seriously.

“We have to be quiet.”

“Very quiet darling. I promise.”

Mark pulled the duvet to cover them entirely and safe in their snug little nest he lowered in to kiss him and Sebastian quickly forgot about everything else.

  
  


  
  


It was over an hour before they got up, showered and dressed, still with neither sight nor sound of their guests. They went downstairs to find that the dogs had at some point in the night put themselves to bed in their usual place in their baskets in the kitchen. As Seb and Mark walked in they leapt up and rushed over for a rub in greeting.

By the time Jess and Jenson ventured downstairs they entered the kitchen to see their hosts busily making breakfast, the radio on in the corner playing music while the scents of cooking bacon, toast and coffee filled the room.

“That smells good,” smiled Jenson.

Seb and Mark both turned around from their work to see the other two.

“Morning,” smiled Sebastian. “Did you sleep alright?”

“Like a log mate,” assured Jenson.

“Feeling none the worse for all that wine I hope?” checked Mark.

“Ah I think I'll be fine with some grub.”

“Well we've plenty. Have a seat. Jess would you like a drink?”

“We didn't know what you'd like so there's tea and coffee,” offered Sebastian. “Oh and orange juice.”

He opened the fridge to find the carton and put it on the table with some glasses.

“What would you like?”

“Um, coffee would be nice thanks,” requested Jessica.

 

Sebastian decided it would be easier to have everything out so people could help themselves, so he put the teapot and cafetiere on the table along with milk and mugs, prompting them to make a start while he cut toast and made a pile of it on a plate to add to the table along with all the things he could think of to go on it. Mark was busy checking on bacon and mushrooms under the grill so Seb continued laying the table while the dogs trailed his every movement.

“C'mere,” encouraged Jenson, pulling at their collars to get them to stop by him.

“Oh thanks. Right, I think that's everything. Unless you'd like cereal?”

Jess smiled at him playing the good host.

“This is great thanks, is that blackcurrant jam?”

“Yep. Pauline brought it from her W.I. so it must be good.”

Jenson chuckled and shook his head.

“You've gone native mate.”

“Have I?” Sebastian shrugged. “Home-made stuff is nicer anyway.”

“How do you even know what the W.I. is?” asked Jenson as he too piled jam onto his toast.

“Pauline likes to tell me about things and, well, I dunno, I like to listen.”

“Is that your housekeeper?” asked Jess.

“Yeah, she's lovely.”

Mark lifted out the tray of grilled bacon and mushrooms to set on a placemat where there was room on the table.

“Get stuck in,” he encouraged as he sat down beside Seb.

 

Jenson piled more food on his plate while Jess stuck to her toast and coffee. He smiled as he watched the way Mark poured a mug of tea for Seb without asking and passed it over while Seb put some bacon and mushrooms on both their plates.

“Thanks sweetheart. This is the life eh?” smiled Mark.

“Proper English breakfast,” noted Jenson. “Don't get this at home.”

Jessica coughed a laugh.

“You're more than welcome to make it.”

“Mm, not quite the same as being spoiled like this. You two have a nice set up here.”

“Oh we don't do this all the time do we Liebling?” noted Seb.

“Nah just for special guests.”

“Well it's delicious. You must tell your housekeeper how nice this jam is.”

“Ah well I don't think she made it herself,” explained Seb, “but she'll be glad you liked it.”

“Pauline likes to spoil us,” Mark added.

“Sounds like she's adopted you,” remarked Jenson.

Under the table Jessica kicked his ankle at the choice of words, but Mark and Seb showed no reaction.

“She's an angel,” stated Seb.

“She certainly does look after us,” Mark concurred.

“Didn't we meet her at your barbecue?” asked Jess.

“Yeah she was sat with our mothers.”

“Ah of course.”

“Alright if I have some more?” asked Jenson eyeing the still half-full tray of breakfast.

“Course. All needs eating,” assured Mark.

Sebastian bobbed up to put more toast in, then offered the juice around, smiling as Jenson poured himself a full glass and polished it off in nearly one gulp.

“Thirsty there Jense?”

“Ha, yeah guess so.”

 

Sebastian refilled the glass for him, then collected up the toast and added it to the bottom of the pile they were working through. He took a few slices off the top, buttering them and adding a scrape of Vegemite, before popping a couple of pieces onto Mark's plate as well as his own.

Jenson nodded in his direction.

“He got you on that stuff too?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It's nice as long as you only put a little bit on.”

Mark picked up a slice and took a hearty bite, giving Seb a little wink as he ate it.

“Good stuff,” he praised.

Seb beamed as if Mark had given him some great compliment and Jenson chuckled.

“You two are perky this morning.”

The pair merely smiled at one another. Mark sipped his tea before glancing to Jenson, then back at Seb.

“Just glad to be home aren't we sweetheart?”

“Very,” agreed Seb, “and that you're here of course.”

“Are you feeling the effects of last night Jense?” asked Mark.

“Oh this is doing me good.”

“We thought we could take the dogs out later, get some fresh air,” suggested Sebastian.

Jenson looked to his wife.

“You can try your natty boots out love.”

“They're not new are they?” worried Seb.

“No it's fine. I've just not had occasion to wear them much.”

“Should be alright out I reckon,” assured Mark.

Sebastian looked out of the kitchen window to see a blue sky this morning.

“Yeah looks dry.”

“I'll be fine,” promised Jess. “Little walk to get the blood flowing sounds a great idea.”

“No rush.”

“Then we can see what time it is, go for lunch when we're ready.”

“Excellent,” smiled Jenson.

 

Jess looked at his still half full plate which he had just added more toast to.

“Be a shame if you went hungry,” she noted dryly.

“Mm,” agreed Jenson. “That would be upsetting.”

“No danger of that,” vowed Mark. “Nice place we're going to.”

“Might be busy though so we probably shouldn't leave it too late,” considered Seb.

“I'm sure we'll be fine.”

“Yeah and then after that if we come back and we thought we could have a swim? Not right away of course.”

“Well we can sort our stuff can't we?” offered Jessica. “I can't wait to try your pool. You're so lucky.”

“We really are.”

“All planned out then,” smiled Mark. “Jense, more coffee mate?”

“Don't mind if I do.”

  
  


  
  


When they had finally eaten their fill Sebastian and Mark cleared away, refusing all offers of help and instead sending their friends to get ready to go out while they washed up. When they came back down suitably wrapped up against the cold Jess sat on the stairs pulling on her knee-high riding style boots over jeans. Jenson went back into the kitchen to let Sebastian and Mark know they were good to go and shook his head as he walked in to find the pair of them locked in an embrace, Seb with his arms around Mark's neck, standing up on tiptoe to kiss him while Mark held him in with linked hands at the small of Seb's back.

Jenson coughed theatrically and they split apart, Seb's cheeks pinking slightly as they turned to look at him.

“Ah hem, I thought you were washing up?” teased Jenson.

Mark put his arm around Sebastian and merely smiled back.

“All done. Right. Are you guys good to go?”

Jenson decided not to make the joke in his head that _they_ certainly seemed to be and nodded.

“Yep. Jess is just in the hall.”

“Righto. Come on boys, walkies.”

 

The dogs leapt up and rushed towards their masters who lead them out so they too could get ready to go out. As they reached the fields Seb unclipped the collars to release them and for a while they walked as a four until the path narrowed and Sebastian walked with Jess for a while as Mark fell in alongside Jenson. Then as they paused, throwing sticks to entertain Shadow and Simba, Sebastian went to take Mark's hand. He saw the way Jenson smiled at them and for a moment Seb wondered if he was being paranoid thinking their friends might have heard something this morning, but then perhaps it was more about the kiss Jenson had walked in on earlier? Seb was _sure_ , they had been super quiet and their bedroom really was a way off. Surely if they had heard something Jenson would have been incapable of not making some kind of comment or little joke about it by now?

“Good to get out,” Jenson merely remarked.

“It is lovely round here,” agreed Jess.

“Certainly is. Right, shall we head back?” encouraged Mark.

“Sure.”

“Go on then boys,” Mark directed.

With his spare hand he waved the dogs back along the path in the direction of the house, then smiled at Seb before setting off walking once more. Behind them Jess slipped her hand into Jenson's and let the other couple get ahead enough to allow them to speak quietly without being overheard.

“Don't tease them too much,” Jess advised.

Jenson was about to make a joke, but he saw the expression on her face and realised she was serious.

“Everything okay? They seem pretty chipper to me.”

Jessica looked at the couple in front and nodded.

“Yeah. I don't know, I think they are mostly, but mind what you say about them adopting.”

Jenson frowned.

“Why?”

“Because I don't think they're having an easy time of it.”

“Did I put my foot in it before?”

Jessica gave a little tip of her head.

“Just, tread carefully, okay?”

“Okay,” nodded Jenson.

He looked ahead to see the couple ahead had let go hands and now Mark's arm was around Seb, Seb's arm in turn fitted around Mark's middle as they walked even more closely together. They looked as lovey-dovey as they had over breakfast; the happy couple in their perfect country home. But then so often there was more going on with them than they showed on the surface. He'd just assumed they were coasting on happiness from Mark's championship win, but Jenson wondered sometimes if the way Seb and Mark seemed to veer between extremes in their life might be why they hung on so tightly to one another, literally so much of the time, because they never knew when the ground would disappear beneath their feet. He supposed it made sense that they had to make the most of the good times. Jenson give his wife a smile.

“We'll just have a nice time,” he assured. “I'll be good, I promise.”

“Thank you. I know you don't mean it when you tease them about stuff, but I think they're more sensitive than they let on.”

Jenson nodded.

“Yeah okay. Come on then. Let's catch them up.”

  
  


  
  


 

Sebastian had made sure to check online that the pub they were going to had plenty of healthy options as well as traditional Sunday lunches on the menu so they could all choose something they would enjoy. In the end though he and Mark ended up opting for the roast chicken along with Jenson, but Seb was comfortable that that was still within his normal racing diet so long as he didn't go all out with every calorific accompaniment on offer. That said, when Jenson spotted that they had sticky toffee pudding available for desert he resisted only for a minute before folding like a pack of cards and Mark laughed before declaring that December meant it really was Christmas after all and ordering warm chocolate brownie. It didn't take long for Seb to give in and join them, deciding that cheesecake was okay seeing as it was topped with fruit. As their deserts were brought to their table looked to Jessica who was holding firm with only a coffee.

“You sure you don't want something?” he checked.

“I'm fine.”

“You could try a bit of mine. Look, it's got loads of berries.”

Jenson chuckled as he saw Jess wavering.

“Has to be at least one of your five a day there.”

Jess smiled as Seb offered over a spare fork.

“Oh go on then, thank you.”

“We'll swim this all off later,” assured Mark. “Gotta have a treat now and then.”

Sebastian smiled as Jessica took a forkful and tasted it.

“Nice?”

“Mm, very.”

“Want some more? We can split it?”

“No I'm fine. Really.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian nodded, not wanting to pressure her. At least he had refused the offered cream to go with it. Seb couldn't understand why people had to pile things on like that. To his mind cheesecake was quite enough of an indulgence without making it unnecessarily bad for you. They'd certainly eaten well today. When Jess and Jenson left later he didn't think he and Mark would want much dinner. He wasn't going to feel too guilty though. They could always go for a nice long run in the morning tomorrow. Over to the side Jenson was happily tucking in, showing no such concerns and Mark seemed to be enjoying his brownie.

“Is it nice Liebling?”

Mark smiled and scooped up a spoonful to offer over.

“Try it.”

Sebastian laughed but Mark shook his head.

“Go on,” he prompted.

Seb ate the proffered desert and on the other side of the table Jenson fought hard not to joke about them doing that. He had vowed to remain on his best behaviour, so he merely focussed on his pudding which really was a sugarific delight and totally worth the extra time in the gym to justify it.

  
  


  
  


An hour and a half later they were back home, Jenson and Jess were making sure their things were all packed to go while Seb and Mark got the pool ready. There was a knock on their bedroom door and Jenson opened it to see Sebastian stood there.

“Hey, so the pool's all ready.”

“Great thanks, we just need to get changed.”

Sebastian looked over to Jess who was stood by the bed, her bag on it with the things she still needed for today laid out beside it.

“I thought you might want this,” he offered.

Jess came over and took the offered towelling dressing-gown.

“Oh thanks. You don't need it?”

“No we just use the changing room down there.”

“Ah of course. Right, thanks that's great.”

“I'll come down and do the same,” decided Jenson. “You're alright up here, yeah?”

“Course,” confirmed Jessica.

“We'll just be in the pool,” stated Seb. “The doors to the extension and the pool need to stay shut because of the dogs, but they're not locked.”

“Okay, five minutes.”

Jenson gathered up his trunks and one of the towels they'd been provided with and went with Sebastian downstairs, leaving his wife to change on her own in the bedroom.

  
  


A couple of minutes later she emerged, wrapped up warm in the slightly too large dressing-gown. Jessica had a couple of towels folded over her arm, one large one and another for her hair. As she walked along the upstairs corridor she passed a doorway that was open a fraction and though she wasn't sure what made her do it, Jess paused and pushed it open. She'd known it wasn't Mark and Sebastian's room, that was a couple of doors down at the far end opposite the main bathroom, but for some reason she was curious, despite knowing that they had a number of spare bedrooms. The door opened to reveal a room filled with light from the bright winter's day outside, made to seem all the lighter because the room was entirely empty but for a rocking chair over by the window.

Jess paused where she stood, staring over feeling suddenly terribly sad. The rocking chair looked so lonely, this room so empty. It was a nursery. That much was plain despite the lack of any other furniture, and the way it seemed to sit waiting for more tugged at her heart-strings. Jess sighed and stepped back out, putting the door back to feeling as though she had intruded on their private longings. As she walked down the stairs Jessica huffed out a long breath feeling a little guilty for prying. She resolved not to push Seb to tell her too much about how things progressed with adopting. He'd know she was there if he wanted to talk. In the meantime she should do as Jenson had promised and just make sure they all had a good time.

  
  


As she went through the link door Jess could already hear splashing and messing about going on in the pool beyond the next door and as she stepped through she found all three of them in the water. Jenson was batting a beach-ball down towards Sebastian who missed hitting it back as he waved to her, only for the ball to splash a spray of water into his face as it landed. Jenson laughed.

“Sorry, whoops. Hey Jessy come on in, this is great.”

Jessica went to put her towels down and came over to sit on the edge of the pool. Jenson swam over to her.

“We need you to make a four so we can play water volley-ball.”

“Good job I'm here then isn't it?” smiled Jess before sliding into the water.

Mark and Seb let them have the easier position in the shallower end and Jenson smiled as he thought how amazing his wife looked in a bikini. Mark and Seb didn't even seem to have noticed. Jenson huffed a laugh to himself thinking each to their own was a good motto.

“Right, first to ten. Points if it hits the water past half-way,” explained Mark.

“Right you are,” agreed Jenson, then looked to Jess and stepped in to whisper tactics. “Aim short and we'll tire them out treading water and swimming about.”

Jessica shook her head. Always the competitor, but then she looked over and saw Seb and Mark similarly whispering, Seb's hand covering his mouth as he leaned into Mark's ear. Boys. Oh well, if you couldn't stop them you might as well join in. She smiled to her husband and nodded.

“Got it.”

“Excellent. We can totally win this.”

  
  


They played their game, swapping team partners a couple of times to even things out. In between rounds Sebastian showed Jess and Jenson the fish mosaic at the bottom of the pool, Mark smiling as Seb told them all about how he had got it as a surprise.

“What is with the fish thing?” asked Jenson.

Sebastian just smiled at Mark and Jenson sighed. Another one of their little secrets. They weren't to be broken. No point trying to interrogate them.

“Right, well shall we try me and Mark versus you two as the decider?” he proposed.

Jess frowned.

“How is it a decider if we've all swapped teams?”

“Tis if I win.”

She rolled her eyes and swam over to Sebastian.

“We're taking the shallow end,” she declared, deciding if he was going to be like that then she was going to make sure they had every advantage to try to beat him.

  
  


 

An hour later after they had tired of playing games and of simply swimming and chatting in the warm water. They couldn't miss that beyond the wall of french windows, dark was falling in the garden and it was time to get out. While Jess sat upstairs drying her hair the other three drank coffee in the lounge. There was a knock on the door so Mark went to answer it, then came back through.

“The car you've hired is here mate. They need you to sign for it.”

“Ah right, great.”

Jenson bobbed up and went to put shoes on so he could check out the hired car on the drive before taking the keys and signing for it. Seb and Mark stood in the doorway watching on, only turning when Jess appeared behind them.

“Your car's here,” explained Seb.

Jess peered out, but it was cold now so she left it to Jenson to sort.

“Ah great.”

“You know we could have taken you to collect it,” pointed out Mark.

Jessica shrugged.

“More fun spending the time in your pool.”

“Guess so.”

Jenson was shaking hands with the two men who had come to deliver the car, then he took the paperwork and put it into the glovebox of the hired car, giving them a last nod as they climbed into their other car to drive away. As he came back into the house he put the keys on the side and smiled at the others.

“Nice little Merc that. Should do us for a few days at my mum's.”

“Try not to crash it,” teased Mark.

“Ha, as if. Look alright to you Jessy?” Jenson checked.

“I'm sure it's fine.”

Sebastian turned to her.

“Jess, do you want a coffee or something? You're not rushing off are you?”

Jessica looked at her watch, then her husband.

“Do we need to get going?”

“Um, no not just yet. Half hour, then we should get to Mum's in time for dinner.” Jenson looked to his hosts. “That's okay with you?”

“Course,” assured Mark. “Whenever's good. Right Jess, coffee. Think I'll have another myself. You want one sweetheart?”

“Ah I think I'll just put our stuff in the car,” teased Jenson.

Mark rolled his eyes at Jenson and looked more pointedly to Seb who nodded.

“Thanks. Jense do you need a hand?”

“Nope I'm good.”

Jenson went up to start ferrying their belongings into the boot of the car, setting the satnav ready to go before coming back in to find the others sat in the kitchen. It seemed bright in there after being out on the drive lit only by the security light and Jenson shivered slightly.

“Oof I could use a warm drink.”

“I've got it.”

Sebastian bounced up from his seat at the table to pour him a coffee while Jenson sat down, Jess pointing out that he could have worn a coat if it was cold.

  
  


They passed another half hour chatting before Jess and Jenson had to go. Seb and Mark stood on the doorstep waving them off, waiting until they had pulled off the drive until they went back into the warm. As they shut the door behind them Sebastian shivered, so Mark put his hands either side of him to rub over his arms.

“Alright?”

“Mm.”

Mark indicated into the lounge with his head and they went through, Mark lighting the fire while Sebastian gave the dogs a stroke. As he went back over to sit with him on the sofa Mark gave him a smile.

“Seems quiet now doesn't it?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

“Mm. Ah well, sure we'll survive. Shall we put something on, settle in? Don't think I'm gonna be hungry for a while, are you?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Definitely not Liebling. Yeah, let's put a film on.”

  
  


Soon they were comfortably lying together on the sofa, a film playing out on the television, the fire warming the room and the dogs asleep in front of it. As Mark wrapped his arm around Seb in front of him he leaned his head in from where it rested on a cushion to speak in Seb's ear.

“Not so terrible to be on our own is it?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh as he turned his head to look at him.

“No, guess not.”

“We can go tree shopping in the week,” offered Mark.

“Yeah I'd like that,” Seb agreed. “Though we might need to go in to see Rachel.”

“Mm, well, plenty of time.”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked in Seb's eyes to see how he was feeling.

“You're not worrying about that are you?”

“I'm trying not to.”

Mark nodded and reached to stroke gently over Seb's cheek.

“Best not,” he advised.

“I know. There's nothing we can do until she calls. I'm working on shutting it out until then.”

“Right, well, as long as you're okay.”

“I'm okay.” Sebastian smiled at him. “This weekend was lovely.”

“Good.”

“And you're alright?”

“I'm very happy right now darling. Still the weekend, so let's make the most of it, shall we?”

Sebastian nodded and stretched to give him a kiss before settling back down, Mark fitting back alongside him. It was still the weekend. Worrying could wait until next week.

  
  


  
  


 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's such a contrast in this chapter between the life Seb and Mark are leading and the story they are told by Rachel of people at the opposite end of the scale. It's not that they forget, but they simply work on shutting it out when they can't do anything about it. I hope that's clear. If Rachel had pitched up with the baby to take in they wouldn't have had a second thought, no matter how uncertain things are. I know you'd probably know that, but I just wanted to highlight it.


	186. Listening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just noticed I rolled over 2 million words with this story on this chapter. Good grief. I don't think I've ever put more work into a single thing in my entire life. I'd never have imagined doing something like this or oddly caring about it so much.  
> Thanks so much to everyone who takes the time to read it. x

 

* * *

  


 

On Monday morning Seb and Mark found themselves back to wondering when and if Rachel might call them. They went for a long run with both their phones on them, just in case. When they arrived in the village outside the coffee shop the first thing Sebastian did was pull his phone out to check it, despite knowing he would have heard it ring. Naturally seeing no missed calls or messages he put it away in his hoody pocket and saw the way Mark was looking at him.

“I know.”

“Sweetheart she didn't say she'd be calling right away.”

“I know,” repeated Seb. “I just...”

He huffed a long breath and shook his head. Ever since they had got up this morning he had felt a level of anxiety return, waiting for Rachel to call even when logic told him that having any kind of update was unlikely first thing on a Monday.

Mark rubbed over his arm.

“Come on, let's get coffee, relax for a bit then head back. Then if you like we could call her?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No that's not fair to hassle her when she's so busy. I know she'll call when she has anything to tell us.”

“Maybe we could go Christmas tree shopping later?” proposed Mark.

“Mm, I kindof thought it might be best to wait until Pauline's been tomorrow.”

“I spose it might be an idea to have the place hoovered first before we cover the carpet in pine needles.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah that's what I thought.”

“Tomorrow afternoon then maybe?”

“Yeah maybe.”

“Okay. Try not to stress out though.”

Seb nodded.

“Maybe we could just have a nice long swim this afternoon?” he suggested.

“Sure. Coffee now though?”

“Course.”

The went into the coffee shop and Sebastian determinedly left his phone in his pocket. It did no good letting himself get like this. He'd been fine over the weekend while they had their visitors. They just had to keep busy.

  


  


Sebastian had been working so hard not to phone watch all day that when it actually started ringing when he and Mark were in the kitchen getting a cup of tea after swimming in the afternoon he nearly jumped out of his skin. All that strange suppressed anticipation leaping to the surface. Seb still felt jumpy as he swiped across the screen to answer and set the phone on the kitchen table in front of them. Seeing as it was getting on for four o'clock they had pretty much written off any idea that they might get a phone-call today, but it was the adoption agency number displaying and Rachel's voice that spoke as he put it on speaker.

“Hi it's Rachel.”

“Hi Rachel,” replied Seb recovering himself.

“Hi,” added in Mark.

“Oh you're both there. Good. I'm glad I've caught you. Are you at home?”

“Yes we're just in the kitchen.”

“Right, okay, um so I was wondering if you might be able to come in to see me tomorrow? I know it's short notice.”

“Do you have an update for us?”

Rachel paused. She really wished she could have these conversations face-to-face, but once they asked it felt cruel to refuse to answer.

“Mm.”

She let out a sigh and Seb and Mark both knew right away they weren't about to hear great news. Mark automatically took Seb's hand.

“So what is it?” he prompted, thinking dragging it out did no good.

“Well I'd like to discuss it with you in person to be honest, but, well, I spoke with Laura just now and it seems she believes they have a viable family connection for the little boy I discussed with you the other day.”

“Oh.”

Mark puffed out a breath, hardly knowing how to respond to that.

“I appreciate it's not the news you want to hear,” allowed Rachel, “but you understand we have to prioritise family in the best interests of the child?”

“No of course we understand that Rachel,” assured Sebastian.

“It's not entirely sorted out yet, but Laura seems fairly confident, so I didn't want to keep you hanging on.”

“Right.”

“I'm sorry if I raised your hopes.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out.

“No that's okay isn't it Liebling? We want to be considered in any cases you might have.”

“Course,” agreed Mark.

“Mm, well, to that end I do have another case on my desk at the moment that might be suitable, but, well perhaps it's too soon? I know it can't be easy to go through this.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark who gave him a sympathetic look and squeezed his hand before whispering.

“What do you think darling?”

“We have to.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah okay, so if we come in to see you?” he offered in a louder voice for Rachel.

“Thank you. I am sorry to call you with, well I don't want to say bad news really because in all honesty if we can find family for a child to be with then it's really good news, but I appreciate that it may not seem that way to you.”

“No it does, we get it. Course it's best if he can stay with family.”

“They can give him a good home?” checked Seb.

“Well we're in the process of making sure of that. There's only so much I can tell you I'm afraid, but perhaps we can discuss it tomorrow?” suggested Rachel.

“Yeah okay.”

“I promise you we are working to make sure the child is given the best possible future,” Rachel assured them, recalling how concerned they had seemed in their meeting.

“Of course. Yeah we know you would.”

“Well it's mostly been Laura really, but anyway.”

“Okay so what time tomorrow?” asked Mark, not wanting to string this out.

“Um, can you do ten?”

“Sure. That's fine.”

Mark looked to Seb who nodded.

“Yeah we'll see you then,” he confirmed.

“Okay, thank you. We'll talk some more then. Thank you for being so understanding.”

“We'll see you tomorrow.”

“Yep, bye then.”

“Bye.”

  


They hung up and turned to one another, leaning in for a hug. Sebastian let out a long sigh as he rested into Mark.

“I know it's good they've found some family to look after him, but...” he sighed again and lifted up to look at Mark properly. “It's hard not to say we'd be a better family.”

Mark nodded.

“I know darling.”

“Which isn't fair when we don't know who this family connection is.”

“Mm.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Sucks for us though.”

“Mm.”

“We're allowed to feel a little selfish about it,” asserted Mark.

“I guess. I really do want to know more Liebling. Not to interfere. I just want to know he's alright. Is that stupid when we don't even know his name?”

“No sweetheart, I want to know too. Of course we do. I think it'd be strange if we didn't.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay, at least she said there's another case, so that should be another possibility.”

“Yeah.”

“We should have asked her more about it.”

“Well we can tomorrow.”

“Mm.”

Mark rubbed over Seb's arm.

“It's not too much rushing on?”

“No we have to Liebling.”

“I suppose. I guess she tried to see what she could line up to keep things going for us.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark tipped his head as he looked at him.

“It's not a great feeling is it? Being told no.”

“No. I dunno. I suppose... I mean she's right, of course it's got to be better for a child to stay with some family link. Maybe if the mother gets proper help it might mean she could at least see them?”

“Yeah maybe. Perhaps down the line a bit if she gets help.”

“How are you feeling Liebling? It's still not nice is it?”

“No. You're right though, they're doing the right thing for the kid and you can't fault them for that.”

“I'm sure she wouldn't have spoken to us if she knew it was already going that way.”

Mark shook his head.

“No she wouldn't do that. Probably to do with them both working the case from different angles. I'm not annoyed with her. Just... I dunno.”

“At least it's not like we've been rejected this time,” asserted Seb. “that does feel marginally better.”

“Mm, and well, who knows sweetheart? This next case could be the one.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We've got to keep pushing.”

“Absolutely darling. Ah well, chins up and keep swinging as my dad would say.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark pulled him into another hug and they held onto one another for a full minute before lifting away.

“What can we do to make ourselves feel better?” Mark enquired.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Dunno. Make it be tomorrow and see what this new case is?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah. Other than that?”

Seb paused and looked out of the window. It was pretty much dark now, but it wasn't late.

“Could we take the dogs out up the hill, just get some fresh air? I know it's dark.”

“We can take the torches. Yeah, good idea darling. Let's get some air and exercise.”

  


Quarter of an hour later they were sat on the bench at the top of the hill, Shadow and Simba snuffling around in the darkness only illuminated by the two torches set down on the bench either side of Mark and Sebastian.

“Don't go too far,” cautioned Mark.

The dogs turned back to look at him, then continued investigating whatever it was that they could smell at the edge of the tree-line, but they didn't go into the cover there. Sebastian and Mark sat snuggled into one another against the cold winter air. Seb rested his head down on Mark's shoulder, their arms around one another despite their thick coats. Mark turned to him and planted a kiss on Seb's nose.

“Y'alright?”

Seb looked up at him, blue eyes only just visible in the low light.

“Yeah I think so. This next one could be the one, right?”

“Hope so sweetheart. We'll see what she says.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian pressed a little closer in and looked out to the pin-picks of light far out in the distance; houses and villages, farms and business, each with their own concerns, their own dramas, hopes and fears, all unknown to them. Just as their future was unknown. They just had to see what happened.

  


  


  


  


Rachel sat opposite them in her office, looking over trying to judge how the pair were handling things.

“So you're alright then?” she checked.

“Yeah we're okay, aren't we sweetheart?” answered Mark.

“Yeah,” Seb nodded. “Thank you for calling us.”

“Oh well I didn't want to leave it any longer with you wondering. I hope you don't think it was unfair to have brought it to you in the first place?”

“No that's okay.”

“It's really one of those cases where it's essential we get the child into a proper secure family situation as soon as possible. It's really very important for his emotional well-being that he is in foster care for as short a time as possible. I mean, of course that's always true but...”

“It's okay,” repeated Sebastian. “We get it.”

Rachel looked at him and Seb gave her another nod.

“Okay, well thank you for being so understanding.”

“Are you allowed to tell us anything about the family connection you've found? I mean I know it's not really our business I guess, but, well we'd feel better just knowing he's really alright. I know that might sound weird when we never even met him, but we can't help worrying now.”

Rachel wanted to sigh. She wasn't at all surprised to hear their concern. She spent most of her life worrying about the children she came into contact with. It wasn't fair to tell them about a child, to cause them to worry in turn, without giving them some kind of resolution.

 

“Of course. Though this is all confidential,” she reminded them.

“We understand that,” assured Mark.

Rachel nodded. They didn't have names anyway, but even so.

“Right, well Laura finally managed to track down the paternal grandmother, which is to say the child's father's mother. It wasn't so easy with him living abroad, but anyway it turns out she was unaware there even was a child, so that would explain why she had had no involvement.”

“Oh right. Does she live over in America or here?”

“Here,” Rachel gave a little flick of her eyebrows. “Suffice to say she is none too impressed with her son, but she is very keen to offer a home to her grandchild.”

“It must have been a shock to her,” noted Sebastian.

“Yes she was initially very upset to learn what has happened, but Laura went to see her and now, well, let's just say she wants to try to make up for it.”

Sebastian nodded.

“So she can offer a good home to him?”

“Well we are making sure of that currently, running the necessary checks, but it does seem that way. She has her own home, she is only in her fifties so she can look after a child well enough and... well I can't really go into too much detail, but from all we can find so far it seems that she can offer a secure home for a little boy who really does need a lot of love and care.”

 

Mark gave Seb's hand a squeeze. A loving grandmother. It wasn't hard to understand why that would be best. He wondered what had gone on in the background that lead to her being kept in the dark, but Mark supposed if the child's father lived in the U.S.A. that partly explained it. She must have been horrified to learn the truth and Mark imagined she would be furious with her son for failing to provide for and protect his own child.

“You understand why we prioritise family?” pressed Rachel.

“Of course.”

“As long as we are sure they can properly care for a child and are fully committed to that then it really is the best thing for them, psychologically and emotionally in the long term. Believe me, we'll be keeping very close track of things to be sure he is safe and well looked after.”

“It's okay Rachel, really,” assured Seb. “We just wanted to know he's going to be okay.”

“Okay, thank you. I don't mean to imply that as adoptive parents you couldn't offer a good home or that a child you adopt wouldn't be happy.”

“No that's alright.”

“I think to be honest Rachel we just needed to know what was happening so we can let go really,” explained Mark, “so we can move on.”

Rachel nodded.

“Okay, so I did mention yesterday that I do have another case that has cropped up. Do you feel ready to hear about it?”

“Sure.”

“We want to keep pressing on,” stated Seb firmly. “It's the only way isn't it?”

“I suppose so,” agreed Rachel. “Well okay. Perhaps I should get us a cup of tea and we can have a chat?”

“Um, yeah okay.”

“Tea or coffee?”

“Tea for me please. Liebling?”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“Yep, tea's fine. Bit of milk, no sugar thanks.”

“You're the same, right Seb?” checked Rachel.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yes thank you.”

“Right then.”

As she got up to go to the little staff kitchen down the corridor it struck Seb that with all Rachel had going on she remembered how he took his tea. That had to say something about her.

  


A few minutes later she was back, handing out mugs and taking a moment to ask them how they had enjoyed their weekend with friends before resuming more serious discussions. All three of them knew it was an attempt to make a deliberate break between things to allow all of them to re-set themselves a little before moving on. Rachel tried not to make it too obvious that she was judging how they were, but she waited until they had mostly finished their drinks before setting down her mug and glancing to another file on her desk and then looking over to the couple sat opposite her. She gave them a smile.

“Okay, so would you like to hear about this other possibility?” she began.

“Absolutely,” Mark replied on both their behalf.

“Great. Alright, well it is a slightly complicated case, not that so many of them aren't.”

“There's a child?” asked Seb, just a little too keen.

Rachel looked at him.

“Hm, yes well that's rather the thing in this case. She really is a child. The girl is fifteen.”

“Fifteen?” frowned Mark, thinking that adopting a teenager really wasn't what they had in mind.

“Mm, yes very young and that's largely the issue because in truth she really isn't ready to cope with a baby, certainly not in the circumstances.”

“Oh.”

Mark shook his head slightly as he realised what Rachel was saying. The girl was pregnant. At fifteen. Christ.

“Bloody hell,” he let out.

“Mm,” nodded Rachel. “And to complicate matters further the girl is in care herself.”

“Oh god, that's sad,” sighed Sebastian.

“Mm, I'm afraid history has a nasty habit of repeating itself. Her own mother is young and she's not had the easiest of backgrounds. The girl only recently came into care following the revelation that she was pregnant, rather late in the day unfortunately. Things at home, well, they both agreed that things had become, tempestuous shall we say, and they needed space. So the girl is currently the subject of a temporary care order and following a number of discussions has now said that she wants to give the baby up when it is born and her mother is in agreement that that is for the best.”

 

Mark puffed a long breath and looked to Seb.

“Blimey.”

Seb nodded and looked to Rachel.

“So she's sure? I mean that she wants her baby adopted?”

Rachel nodded.

“She says she is. She is very young.”

“Of course. God I can't even imagine.”

“What about the baby's father?” enquired Mark.

A look crossed Rachel's face and Mark thought he already knew that was her 'unimpressed' expression.

“Not on the scene,” she stated bluntly. “Denies all knowledge apparently, though seeing as the person named is only the same age as the girl perhaps it's not all that surprising that he can't cope with it either.”

“Running a mile I should imagine,” commented Mark.

Rachel gave a little flick of her eyebrows.

“Mm. And unfortunately the girl's own father is long gone from the family.”

Mark shook his head. He could see what she meant about history repeating. Poor kid.

“Okay, so you're looking for adopters for the baby?” he asked, wanting to try to stay fairly matter-of-fact about it.

“That's right.”

“How far along is she?” asked Seb.

“Eight months. Eight and a half actually.”

“Oh wow.”

“Yes. Come to us rather late in the day, but then at least we should have time to arrange things.”

“Right.”

“So you might be interested?” asked Rachel.

“Of course.”

She nodded.

“I should remind you that in such a case there is effectively a 'cooling off' period, even after the child is born.”

“In case she changes her mind?”

“Yes.”

Mark frowned.

“What would you do with that? I mean if the girl's in care?”

“Well there are group homes with additional support available for teenage mothers,” explained Rachel. “Once apon a time they would have been called unmarried mothers' homes, but times have moved on and they are good facilities these days, providing care, making sure they remain in education if at all possible, teaching them how to look after their babies and finding them a future, teaching life skills, that sort of thing.”

“Ah okay.”

“We're still trying to reconcile the girl with her mother though. That would be preferable obviously. Up until recently it seems they had a reasonably good relationship, but emotions can run very high in such cases. Without wishing to sound judgemental, the girl in question... she um, well she's a bit of a strong character, not unafraid of voicing her opinion.”

Mark huffed a little unexpected laugh and Rachel gave a tip of her head.

“I hope that doesn't sound unkind, in many ways she's just a typical teenager; rebelling against her mother, who in all honesty I think is mostly upset at seeing her daughter repeating her mistakes.”

“Of course. Sorry Rachel I didn't mean to laugh.”

Rachel shook her head.

“I actually like her. If you meet her I think you'll see what I mean. She can be... I don't know, a bit of a whirlwind, up and down. Hormones I suppose and of course this is a very difficult situation for her to be in, but essentially she's really a nice girl underneath all that bluster. She's not had the easiest of lives, but she has quite a sense of humour if you can get past the outer shell.”

“Sorry Rachel really I didn't mean to make fun. I just... it was the way you phrased it.”

“Well I try to be diplomatic. If you asked her mother she would no doubt be more direct and has been when I've spoken with her.”

“How does she describe her?” asked Sebastian.

Rachel huffed a little a laugh herself.

“Well, rather more undiplomatically her mum says she's been a nightmare since she became a teenager, but in fairness when she was younger the girl apparently was very happy in primary school, chatty and a little boisterous perhaps, but she hasn't done so well in senior school, not helped by repeated absences.”

“You mean skipping school?” asked Mark.

“Yes. Unfortunately these things tend to spiral. A child is struggling with school and if not dealt with properly they can feel they are no good, even that they hate school and they're not really wanted there anyway, so they don't go in, consequently missing out on their education and falling back even further. It's very unfortunate, particularly since children who aren't in school are more likely to engage in inappropriate behaviour.”

 

Mark thought he might know what kind of inappropriate behaviour she was referring to, but that was probably very unfair. They were talking about a kid. Really a kid. A child from a difficult background whom they didn't know. He wished he hadn't laughed. It seemed unkind when he really hadn't intended to mock a poor kid in a hell of a mess by the sounds of it.

“Sounds like her mum had a handful,” he offered.

“Yes, but like I say, underneath it she really is an engaging, lively girl who is just out of her depth.”

“Right.”

“I'm telling you all this because if you meet her, I don't want you to judge the surface and be put off. I think she is far brighter than even she realises. There's certainly a spark there and she deserves a future too.”

“Of course she does,” agreed Sebastian.

He gave her a smile, thinking that he wasn't the only one who got too involved with things. Rachel sounded as though she had come to care about this girl and now he was curious to meet her. Perhaps that was what Rachel intended in telling them all this?

 

Rachel smiled back.

“Okay, well other than that the basic details; as I mentioned, she is eight and a half months on, in good health, both herself and the baby, which given she received no medical care for a large portion of the pregnancy is, well, fortunate. Oh and the baby is a girl. You said you didn't have a preference?”

Seb looked to Mark.

“We're happy either way aren't we Liebling?”

“Course. We just want a baby. Boy or girl doesn't matter.”

“Great. Okay, um, I'm trying to think what else I can tell you,” continued Rachel. “She comes from an estate not far from here, though she obviously isn't living there presently. Apart from that... she's white, fifteen, theoretically in year eleven at school although unfortunately not currently attending school as there have been some difficulties there.”

“Because she missed school?” queried Seb.

“Um, no, I'm afraid there was bullying going on and given that she is pregnant it really isn't an environment we think she should be in right now, so she's getting some tutoring, though she's not all that enthused about it.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“She was bullied?”

Rachel let out a little sigh as she nodded.

“I'm afraid so. Kids can be very unkind sometimes.”

“Because she's pregnant?”

“Mm, so it seems.”

“God that's horrible. As if she hasn't got enough to deal with.”

Rachel nodded again.

“I know. Perhaps it's not so surprising that she is rather mixed up. I just want you to bear that in mind if we go forward with this. She needs very careful handling. I'd need you to try to be sensitive and try to see beyond the persona she can project.”

“Right, sure.”

Mark let out a sigh.

“Rach I feel awful I laughed. I wasn't laughing at her. That would be... I wouldn't do that,” he excused.

“Of course not. Mark I don't think that. I know you are both very good at empathising. That's why I thought you would perhaps be a good match. She's a bright girl and I believe there's a lot of untapped potential there. She wants her baby to have a good future. That's when you see the most mature side of her. It would be unfair to judge her for what might be classified as immature behaviour in other aspects because she's not an adult. She's still a child and she needs help.”

“We do want to help, don't we?”

Mark looked to Seb.

“Yes of course we do. So you'll go to her, see if she'd meet us?” requested Sebastian.

Rachel nodded.

“Yes. Actually I'm due to see her this afternoon so I'll have a chat with her today. Given that she's so far along we really do need to see if we can move on with things.”

“Well we're free whenever,” offered Mark.

“Good. Thank you.”

 

Sebastian bit his lip as he thought, then glanced to Mark before speaking.

“Rachel, you're not looking for a home for her too are you? The girl I mean, if she's in care?”

Rachel smiled at him worrying about everyone.

“Bless you, no. I don't think she would adapt well to be honest. What we really want for her is to reconcile her with her mother. The mother wants her home. It's the girl that is holding out for now. She's angry and upset and well, a bit of a mess at times, but we are hopeful that once the baby is born things should settle down and we can work out how to get her back into education and back home where she belongs. Her mother believes that they can have a fresh start once the baby has been adopted.”

“Oh right, yeah okay.”

Rachel looked to them both.

“Do you have any questions? I know I've just thrown a lot at you, but I wanted you to fully understand the background.”

Seb and Mark turned to one another. Seb shrugged and Mark gave a little nod before they looked back to Rachel.

“I think that's plenty for now in all honesty Rach. Just, well, let us know if she wants to meet us.”

“We promise we'd be sensitive about it,” added in Sebastian.

“I know you would.”

“Yeah really,” affirmed Mark. “When I laughed it really wasn't at her.”

Rachel shook her head.

“I know that Mark, stop fretting. I know you're not like that. You're allowed to laugh. You're allowed to have normal reactions. We're all human. Honestly half the time I talk to her I end up laughing. She's really a great character.”

“Thanks.”

Rachel smiled back. Half the time she did laugh. She wasn't about to add that the other half of the time she came away from meeting her latest case wanting to cry. This girl deserved help and Rachel was determined that she should be her top priority now that it seemed a home had been found for the little boy who had been the previous one. There was always a new priority. It never ended, but each one resolved had to be counted a victory. Rachel hoped she could improve the lives of at least five people in this latest case. Fingers crossed this afternoon she would get a positive response.

“Right, well thank you. If you've not got more questions I'll be in touch.”

“Sure.”

  


They stood and shook hands before Mark and Sebastian left. As they went down in the lift Mark turned to Seb.

“I feel really guilty I laughed,” he confessed.

Seb put his hand on Mark's arm and gave it a rub.

“Rachel knows you didn't mean it.”

“Mm, now she just thinks I was laughing at her.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I don't think so Liebling. Rachel's not over-sensitive. There's probably far too much in her work that really is serious for her to care about that.”

Mark nodded.

“I suppose that's true. Thanks.”

  


  


As they drove home Sebastian looked to Mark.

“I wonder why she didn't mention this case before? Do you think it's that recent?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder as he drove.

“Dunno sweetheart, maybe. Kid sounds pretty mixed up so it could be a recent decision.”

“Mm, or maybe the other case was more urgent?”

“That's true. An actual baby has to come first above an imminent one I suppose,” agreed Mark. “Besides we've been away a lot lately. I'd imagine Rachel's been trying to look into as much as possible for us.”

“Mm. Okay well hopefully we'll at least get to meet her, this girl I mean.”

“Yeah, hope so. I'm intrigued now. She sounds a bundle of ten different contradictions.”

“I feel sorry for her.”

“Well me too darling, of course. She's a kid. Fifteen. I mean bloody hell.”

“Horrible really. Poor thing.”

“Mm.”

“Liebling you're not annoyed about me asking whether she needs a home too are you?”

Mark turned to him.

“Annoyed? No sweetheart, course not. You want to help everyone.”

Seb shrugged.

“When you hear a story like that how can you not?”

“True. I'm guessing she's be a bit of a firework. Not sure we'd be best placed to look after her. You can't really tote a fifteen year old round the world to races all year long either.”

“Mm, I suppose that's true.”

“Plus if we took her too I'm not sure we'd really be adopting the baby. We'd be adopting her and becoming instant grandparents.”

Sebastian coughed.

“Bloody hell Liebling. I don't think I'm quite ready to be a grandparent. I'm not even thirty.”

Mark laughed.

“Well I'm forty darling and I'm only just up to being ready to be a parent. One step at a time I reckon.”

“Yeah.”

Mark reached to give Seb's thigh a rub.

“We'll see how we go, yeah?”

“Yeah course. Ball's in her court, right? She has to agree to meeting us.”

“Mm, well until then.”

Sebastian nodded. Another day, another situation to wonder about and more people to think about, to speculate in his head what they were like and what might happen. Another spell of anxiety waiting for the phone to ring. How Rachel balanced dealing with all that and more he had no idea. This was tough enough as it was.

  


 

  


  


Far sooner than expected the pair found themselves back outside Rachel's office. It was only the following afternoon, but when she had surprised them by ringing them late on Tuesday it had been to tell them that the girl was keen to meet them and there seemed no reason to delay, so here they were on Wednesday afternoon, stood speaking quietly before they went in.

“Okay so you'll remember all I said?” cautioned Rachel.

“Of course.”

“She's very curious to meet you.”

“Is she?” Seb smiled. “I guess that's good. You told her who we are?”

Rachel let out a little laugh.

“Ah I did, but I hope you won't be offended to hear she said she'd never heard of you.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“Guess we're not on the radar for the majority of teenage girls. No worries.”

“It's better really,” noted Seb.

“Yes I think so. Anyway, she was eager to get on with things. I suppose teenagers aren't renowned for their patience,” admitted Rachel.

“It's fine. So it's Kacey?”

“Yes. We'll just stick with first names for now.”

“Sure.”

“And you'll remember all I said about not judging a book by its cover?”

“We don't want to judge at all,” assured Mark. “I think she's the one judging us isn't she?”

“Mm, I suppose so,” Rachel allowed. “Anyway we'll just see how this goes. She seems in a fairly good mood. I did offer to have this meeting where she is staying but she said she'd rather get out.”

“I suppose a change of scene is good.”

Rachel huffed a tiny laugh.

“Well I think her exact phrase used was that she was bored out of her mind in there.”

“Ah well, adds up to the same I suppose.”

“Yes. So I don't really know how she'll react. In my experience she'll either talk nineteen to the dozen or clam up. Either way it's best to just let her. I'll try to guide things and we'll just play it by ear, okay?”

“Fine.”

“We'll be very sensitive,” promised Seb.

“I know you will. Don't be put off if she's a little, um, direct about things.”

Mark cast Seb a look intrigued as to what on earth they were walking into.

“We're made of stern stuff Rachel, don't worry about us.”

“I'm sure. Okay, shall we go in?”

 

 

 

They nodded and Rachel led them into her office. It had been rearranged as with their previous meeting; chairs set around a coffee table, water put out and there on one side sat a girl, waiting.

“Don't get up,” advised Rachel her as Mark and Sebastian went to shake her hand.

The girl frowned slightly, seeming to hardly know what you were meant to do when someone shook hands with you. She stared up at the two strange men, then looked to Rachel.

“Okay,” smiled Rachel putting on her calmest and most approachable voice. “So this is Seb and Mark. Seb, Mark, this is Kacey.”

“Hi,” nodded Mark as he took a seat on the other side of the coffee table, pausing only to put his coat over the back of the chair.

“It's really nice to meet you,” smiled Seb as he did the same.

“Which is which?” frowned the girl.

“I'm Seb,” stated Sebastian, placing a hand on his chest to indicate, “and this is Mark, my husband.”

 

He indicated to the side and Mark gave the girl a smile. Both of them tried to keep open expressions on their faces and not stare at her too obviously. Despite all that it was hard not to be slightly shocked by her appearance. There was something that just felt so wrong at seeing one so young so obviously about to have a baby. She wore some make-up; eye-liner, mascara, lip-gloss, but somehow it had the opposite of the intended effect of making her look older and only highlighted how young she was; round faced with baby-fat cheeks and wide pale blue eyes, dark blonde hair tied back in a scruffy pony tail. She wore grey tracksuit bottoms with a t-shirt stretched over her full stomach, no indication that she had succumbed to maternity wear, a pink hoody top unzipped over the top. There was no attempt to hide the fact she was pregnant, but then by this stage there really wasn't much you could do to disguise the bump which had reached distinctly beach-ball proportions.

Mark wanted to shake his head. Her childish appearance in conjunction with the baby bump made him feel uncomfortable. It felt wrong, but they had promised not to judge. If there was anyone to be judged in this scenario he didn't think it was the girl.

The girl herself was looking directly back at them. She still frowned a little.

“Rachel said you're kindof famous. Like you're in the papers and stuff. Are you?”

Mark coughed a little laugh and glanced to Rachel.

“Erm, well sort of. Not really. We race.”

“So do you have like really nice flash cars then?”

“Umm...”

Mark floundered and looked to Seb who gave a little shake of his head.

“The race cars belong to our teams, not us,” Seb explained.

“Oh right. Huh. Okay. I don't read papers and stuff. Are you on Twitter?”

“Um, I'm not.”

Rachel leaned in a little.

“Kacey sweetheart it's very important that you don't mention anything about this on Twitter or Facebook or anything like that.”

“I know.” Kacey rolled her eyes. “Nobody goes on Facebook these days anyway.”

“Well any social media. It's really important Kacey. This all has to stay confidential as I explained. You understand what that means?”

Kacey sighed. Why did everyone talk to her like she was five?

“I know, you said like fifty times. I get it, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Kacey sighed again and the bluster disappeared for a second.

“I don't go on anything anymore anyway, they're all bitches on there.”

She pouted angrily and looked at the floor. Rachel went to take her hand but the girl moved it away. She looked back up at Sebastian and Mark.

“There's all lies about me on there. Everyone, they... they said horrible stuff, made shit up about me, called me...” She stopped and took in a deep breath. “I'm not. I'm not what they say, so don't read any of that shit, okay?”

 

She looked back at them, half-way between a scowl and looking as though she might tear up.

“Even people I thought were my friends, they still re-posted stuff and commented on it and someone took a photo of me at school and they said I looked disgusting, that it was fucked up that I was too fat for my school uniform now.”

Rachel took a calming breath and tried to get her attention before she span herself up.

“Kacey it was very unkind of people to bully you. I think it's best that you stay away from all that for now.”

“I told you I don't go on there. Anyway what am I going to do? Snapchat sitting in a room watching my bump getting bigger? Who'd want to see that?”

Rachel opened her mouth and then closed it again. The girl looked to the other two.

“You won't look at any of that stuff will you?” she requested, sounding less aggressive and more plaintive.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Of course not. People can be cruel, especially when they don't have to look you in the eye when they do it.”

The girl looked into his eyes and Seb held her gaze, feeling as if he was being tested.

“Yeah,” she agreed.

Sebastian nodded.

“You know we've had some pretty unkind things said about us.”

She frowned.

“Have you?”

“Yeah, 'friad so.”

“Online?”

“Yes. Among other places.”

“Is that why you don't go on Twitter and stuff?”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“I never really did to be honest. Mark did.”

“Mm, not so much these days,” Mark chimed in.

“Why?”

“I've got better things to do than see people's idiotic comments.”

The girl huffed a breath.

“Why do people even do that?”

“Who knows? Some people seem to get a kick out of trolling. Other's, well, way I see it they've clearly got their own problems. Personally I can't see what anyone gets out of slagging someone off online, but some folk seem to get off on it.”

“I'm not a slag.”

Mark held up a hand.

“Oh hey, no I would never think that. Poor choice of word, I'm sorry.” He looked to Rachel. “I really didn't mean it that way.”

“Of course not. Kacey he meant it as in people picking on others.”

“That's what they call me.”

Mark nodded, understanding now why she was so sensitive. Emotions lay close to the surface here and he could understand how the girl might be prone to flying off the handle. It sounded as though she had cause.

 

“That's really nasty of them. I'm sorry.”

“It's easy for people to be mean without realising the consequences,” offered Sebastian.

The girl took a deep breath and looked at them.

“Is it cos you're gay? Like when people say stuff about you?”

Mark huffed a little laugh. Rachel had told them she was direct.

“Pretty much.”

“What did they say?”

He gave a shake of his head.

“I try not to look. Unpleasant stuff sometimes.”

“Right, sorry.”

Mark gave her a smile.

“That's okay. Hardly your fault.”

“Hmm. Yeah. My mum said just to ignore them, but it's not that easy.”

“No guess not.”

“When I was in school I knew they were all talking behind my back so I kindof had to look so I knew what they were saying, but now I'm not there it's a bit easier.”

“Well that's something I suppose.”

“I'm so _bored_ though.”

 

Mark wanted to smile at what a teenage response that was, but the circumstances hardly warranted it.

“I'm stuck in that place all the time,” continued the girl. “Even for this woman that comes in to tutor me and I can't be bothered. I mean what's the point? I've never been any good at school. All the teachers think I'm thick.”

“I'm sure that's not true,” assured Sebastian.

She looked to him.

“Miss Davis in maths said if I wasn't going to try I was just wasting her time. I told her I didn't get it and she said I should have listened properly when she explained at the start.” Kacey pouted angrily. “I _did_ listen. It didn't make sense. It never makes sense to me.”

“That must be frustrating.”

“I hated school anyway. I'm not going back there,” she stated defiantly.

Rachel sighed.

“Kacey don't give up on yourself. You have a lot of potential.”

“I don't want to go back to school.”

“We can look at other options.”

Kacey sighed.

“The tutor's alright. I mean it's boring, but... I dunno, she's quite nice.”

“We can talk about that another time,” agreed Rachel. “Now, don't you want to ask Seb and Mark some questions? You had lots when we talked yesterday.”

 

Kacey appraised the pair opposite her.

“Rachel says you're married.”

“Yes that's right,” agreed Seb.

“I'm never getting married. My mum was married for like five minutes before my dad got bored and fucked off.”

Sebastian tried to keep his eyebrows down. The language was more like that he expected from his mechanics than a young girl, but then he got the impression she hadn't led a sheltered life and he suspected she used it like a shield to pretend she was tougher than she really was.

“I'm sorry to hear that.”

The girl shrugged.

“I was like two or something, so I don't even remember him. Whatever. Mum says men are useless anyway. She always said that. They just take what they want and then they're not bothered any more. Now she thinks I'm stupid for not listening to her.”

“I don't think you're stupid,” assured Sebastian.

Kacey sighed.

“You're not like normal men are you I guess, cos you're gay.”

“Um.”

Sebastian stopped, feeling rather floored by that. By her side Rachel tried to patiently intervene.

“Kacey being gay is perfectly normal.”

Kacey shook her head.

“No like, not... I dunno, you're nicer. Aren't gay men nicer? I thought they were meant to be.”

Mark looked to Seb and couldn't stop himself letting out a laugh.

“I literally have no idea how to answer that.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“I think we're quite nice.”

He looked to Kacey.

“I think it'd be fair to say there are good and bad people of all sorts. I try not to judge anyone until I get to know them properly.”

“Right. Sorry, was that like...? I dunno. There's a boy in my year who's gay. He's alright but people pick on him, and one of our neighbours is gay and mum said his house was really nice inside when she went over there. Is your house nice?”

 

Sebastian blinked. She seemed to speak at a rate of knots, hopping into whatever topic her mind took her to. He wondered where she got the energy.

“Um, yes we think so. Nothing fancy really.”

“Oh okay. In magazines famous people have really flash houses. Aren't you like that?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“No I'm afraid we're nothing like that. We're not proper famous people. We're not in magazines or anything are we Liebling?”

“Fraid not,” concurred Mark. “No spreads in 'Hello' for us.”

“Oh right. You have a house though?”

“Yes we have a house out in the countryside.”

“Really? Do you have a garden?”

 

Mark looked at her. It was the most interested she had sounded the whole time they were there. He nodded.

“Yes we have a garden.”

“It's quite big,” added Seb.

“Yeah the house isn't all that fancy, but we have a nice garden,” confirmed Mark.

“Does it have flowers?”

All the attitude had disappeared and she sat up slightly, her expression far more open.

“Well, um, not all that many, it's mostly grass really, few bushes and trees round the edge.”

“Oh.” She sank back. “I've never had a garden. We used to live in the flats, but when I was twelve mum got to the top of the council list we'd been on like forever and we finally got a little house. It was meant to be so I could play outside but I was too old by then. We moved anyway... I thought it would have a garden. I thought houses always had a garden, but it's just a yard at the back, all concrete.”

She shrugged again, trying to pick herself up.

“I mean, it's still better. In the summer I can push the bins over to the back wall and I take all the cushions off the sofa and put them out there so I can sunbathe. That's pretty cool.”

“It sounds nice,” offered Sebastian.

“It's okay. It'd be nicer with flowers but you can't grow them in concrete.”

“No I suppose not.”

“Would you let my little girl plant some flowers in your garden if she goes to live with you?”

Sebastian gave her a smile though the plea was so sad it made him want to cry. She wanted the life for her daughter that she couldn't have herself.

“Of course. All the flowers she likes. There's lots of room to play as well. We thought we could get a swing and a climbing frame. When they're older obviously.”

“Is it really big?”

“It's quite big, yeah.”

“Are you really rich?”

“Um.”

Rachel shook her head.

“Kacey that's not really an appropriate question.”

“Why not?”

“You shouldn't ask someone how much money they have.”

“I didn't. I asked if they're rich. That's not the same thing,” argued Kacey.

“Well it sort of is.”

 

Kacey sighed.

“What _can_ I ask then?”

“What do you want to ask?”

“I dunno.” She looked back at the couple. “Are you going to stay together?”

“Kacey you can't ask that either,” stopped Rachel.

Kacey huffed but Mark shook his head.

“It's alright. Of course you want to know. It's fine. Yes we have some money, enough to give a child a good life and we are very fortunate to live in a nice place. And yes we will definitely stay together.”

He gave Seb a smile and the girl looked back at Rachel a little defiantly, then back at Mark.

“How do you know that? People split up all the time.”

“We just do. We're a lifetime deal. We've known that from the moment we got together, haven't we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yes. We have. I know that might sound odd, but we know it for sure.”

The girl looked at them. They sounded very confident. She didn't think she'd ever met anyone like these people in her whole life.

“Not every couple splits up you know,” offered Seb with a smile. “Some do make it.”

“Spose,” she accepted. “Down my street there's like this really old couple, like _really_ old and I think they've been married forever. From like the fifties or something.”

“That's pretty old,” agreed Mark.

The girl actually smiled.

“Yeah. They're kind of cute. They're all wrinkly and bent over with sticks, but every day they go for a walk down the street together and if they see you they say hello. Mum says in the old days people used to do that, just say hello, and the old man, he takes his hat off. It's really funny, but I don't laugh because I think that would be mean. Mum just says they're old-fashioned and they've lived here since the estate was built in the sixties and back then everyone said hello even if you didn't know someone.” She frowned slightly. “Is that true?”

“Um, well I'm sure it is. I'm afraid I wasn't born back then.”

“Oh right. Yeah course. How old are you?”

Mark smiled.

“I'm forty, so I suppose that's quite old.”

The girl shrugged.

“All grown-ups are old.”

“Thanks.”

“He's not really that old,” intervened Seb.

“Also thanks,” offered Mark dryly.

“Forty isn't old,” assured Rachel.

“I spose. My mum's thirty-two. I thought that was kind of old.”

“It's really not Kacey,” Rachel asserted.

 

Internally Sebastian was absorbing that. Thirty-two and about to become a grandmother. No wonder she wasn't too thrilled.

“How old are you?” asked Kacey, looking at him.

“I'm twenty-nine,” replied Seb.

“Oh okay. You're quite a lot younger.”

“It doesn't feel that way.”

“Doesn't it?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Nope. I feel like I've lived a lot of life already to be honest.”

Mark's hand went to cover his and Sebastian gave him a little smile to let him know it was okay.

“What does that mean?” asked Kacey.

Seb puffed out a breath.

“Um, well, I started very young, in lots of things really, too young.

She looked into his eyes and Seb looked back thinking how scrutinising she was.

“I guess in my career mostly,” he added. “I started racing professionally when I was your age.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“In cars? Like race cars?”

“Yep.”

“Isn't that illegal? I thought you had to be seventeen to drive.”

Sebastian smiled.

“On the roads yes, but I was on racetracks. The rules are different for that, though maybe they shouldn't be.”

She frowned slightly, wondering what he meant by that.

“Are you like really good?”

“At racing? Um, yeah I'm alright. I wish I hadn't started so young though.”

“Hmm.” The girl pulled a slight face. “That's what my mum said. She said it all the time. She's so angry with me.”

Rachel shook her head.

“She just wants what's best for you.”

 

Kacey looked to the other two.

“She threw me out. Did Rachel tell you? If she wants what's best for me why did she chuck me out?”

“That's not really how it is Kacey,” qualified Rachel.

Kacey looked at her.

“She said I should have listened to her, not him. She thinks I'm stupid. She was yelling at me all the time. I couldn't stay there, she was doing my head in.”

“This probably isn't the best time to discuss this,” Rachel tried.

The girl's jaw set and Mark looked to Seb, wondering how they could ease the tension that had descended.

 

“Um, perhaps we should tell Kacey a bit about us,” he offered.

Rachel smiled at him.

“Yes I think that would be a good idea.”

“Right, okay so yeah we're married and we live pretty much in the middle of nowhere in the country, but we like our own space. We have two dogs, they're nice and friendly.”

“What are they called?” interrupted Kacey.

“Shadow and Simba, they're kindof big and a bit daft, but very affectionate.”

“They don't bite?”

“No they've never bitten anyone. They bark a bit if they're excited or they feel threatened, but they're very protective,” he explained.

“They're lovely,” added Seb. “When I moved in they were nice to me right away.”

“That's cos you were nice to them sweetheart,” noted Mark, before looking back to the girl. “They're very responsive. All they want is a nice stroke and a good long walk, a few sticks thrown for them and a decent bit of grub. A bit like humans really, only simpler.”

The girl huffed an almost laugh.

“Sounds better than my life right now.”

Mark didn't know what to say to that so he simply carried on.

“And, um, well I'm from Australia originally though I've been living in this country for about twenty years now and Seb's from Germany.”

“Oh, I thought you had funny accents.”

Mark smiled.

“I spose we do. Other than that, well as you know we race professionally for a living, and that takes us abroad a fair bit, but we're home as much as possible and when we adopt I plan to take a year off.”

“So you'd be looking after the baby?” asked the girl.

“Yep. Well both of us of course.”

“I'll be looking after the baby too,” asserted Sebastian.

“Yeah course,” agreed Mark. “It'd be both of us.”

“I don't race all year,” Seb explained. “The season runs from March to November and we have a break in August, so it's not too bad. And we always try to come home between race weekends.”

“You just work weekends?” she asked.

“Um, well, it's a bit more than that. We just call them race weekends. It's really Thursday to Sunday in practise.”

“Oh right.”

“But still only around twenty a year.”

“Okay. So you'd be like stay-at-home dads?”

Sebastian smiled.

“As much as possible, yes.”

“Why do you want a baby?”

Seb glanced at Mark, then back at her.

“Well we want a family.”

“Okay. I suppose you can't have one normally, I mean obviously not, right?”

“Right.”

“Do you like being gay?”

 

Sebastian looked at her. So much of what she said took him aback, but there was a certain innocence to her enquiries, even if the language she sometimes used wasn't.

“Erm, well it's not something you choose. It's just who we are. But we're very happy aren't we Liebling?”

Mark nodded.

“Yes we're very happy together, all we really want is to add to our family so we'd be even happier.”

“So you'd be happy if I gave you my baby?”

“Well, yes, but obviously that's your choice.”

“Mum says I'm far too young to have a baby, even younger than her and she was too young. She thinks I screwed up her life and this baby will only screw up mine.”

“Kacey,” stopped Rachel.

The girl looked at her.

“She does. She pretty much said so loads of times. She got pregnant with me so she married my dad, then he messed her about and buggered off.”

Kacey shrugged.

“It's what she said. She said it plenty of times.”

Rachel shook her head.

“I'm sure she was in a very difficult situation. That doesn't make it your fault Kacey.”

Kacey shrugged one shoulder and looked down slightly.

“I don't want a baby anyway. I just want it out. It feels horrible and I'm just this big stupid whale that everybody stares at.”

“I'm sure they don't,” tried Rachel.

“Yeah they do. Everybody in school. Everybody. All whispering about me and...” She sighed and looked to Seb and Mark. “I'm so stupid. I hadn't realised, you know... like, it had been so long I mean. I guess with the summer and everything I kind of forgot about stuff. I just thought I was getting fat. Then mum walked in on me getting changed one day in September and she went mental. She made me go the doctors and then it was just there on the scan; A baby, right there and Mum looked at me like, like she'd never been so disappointed in me. She wouldn't listen to anything I said. She never listens to me. She thinks I'm stupid too. Everybody thinks I'm stupid.”

“We don't,” asserted Seb.

“I am stupid.”

“No you're not. You made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.”

Kacey shook her head.

“No. I'm stupid. I was stupid to believe him. That's what Mum said. I was stupid. So stupid. He told me he loved me. He said I was special. Nobody ever said that to me before. I should have known he was lying. I'm so stupid.”

 

She took in a sharp breath, but it was Seb that wiped away a tear. Kacey stared at him as Mark squeezed his hand.

“Why are you crying?” she asked, sounding surprised.

“Sorry. I'm okay. Sorry. I just. God Kacey that's horrible. You're not stupid. Don't ever let anyone tell you that. You're not stupid for trusting someone. He took advantage of you.”

Kacey nodded.

“Yeah.”

“It's not stupid to trust someone,” Seb asserted. “It doesn't make you a bad person. You should be able to trust people, but you can't trust everyone.”

“No.” She took in a deep breath. “I shouldn't have trusted people. Even my best friend, Shae, when I found out I was pregnant I told her and she promised to keep it a secret and then she went and told _everyone_. She says she didn't, but she's a lying cow cos how else did they know?”

Sebastian rubbed at his face, thinking how horrendous this all sounded.

“People like to gossip,” stated Mark. “Gossip has a way of spreading and people often don't care who it hurts.”

“That's a horrible thing to have happened to you,” sympathised Sebastian. “I'm so sorry.”

“She's not my best friend anymore. I don't have any friends now. I don't have a life.” Kacey sighed heavily. “I don't have any fun. I don't do anything. I used to have loads of friends. I used to go out all the time. Just, you know, mucking about and that, hanging out with everybody, and they all just turned on me. Last month one of them Insta'd a pic of me and put 'Caution, Wide Load' with a little crying with laughter emoji. Cos that's just fucking hilarious.”

 

There was an angry look in her eye and both Seb and Mark suspected she hadn't been shy about telling the person what she thought of them for doing that, but it wouldn't have helped much.

“People can be very cruel,” stated Seb. “I'll never understand why.”

“Because you're a good person sweetheart,” Mark commented.

“They don't know how it feels.”

“No.”

They both looked to the girl.

“We're very sorry you've had to go through all that,” offered Sebastian.

She was looking right into his eyes again and Seb didn't think he could remember a time he felt quite so comprehensively appraised, not in the paddock with the media, not even in the official agency interviews. The girl seemed to be testing them, seeing how they reacted. He got the impression that Rachel was right; Kacey was smarter than she realised. She was seeing if they baulked at hearing what had happened in her life, if their response was an indicator of the kind of people they were. She might be doing it unconsciously, but Kacey was definitely judging them.

The girl let out a sigh and relaxed her gaze to take in both Seb and Mark.

“People just believe whatever they hear about you. It's so unfair. It's like there's nothing you can do. Even people who know you believe what they hear. I hate it.”

Seb nodded.

“It's very hard to counter gossip. It takes on a life of it's own.”

“Yeah.” The girl looked away from them down to the floor. “He started it. I know he did. I went to see him. It had been ages and by the holidays I knew he wasn't bothered about me any more and that was bad enough, but later when I found out I was having a baby I told him. I said it was his and he just...”

The girl closed her eyes for a moment and Sebastian wished he could reach to take her hand. She flicked her gaze back up, trying to hide the hurt that was so plainly inside.

“He said it wasn't his. I told him it had to be, that I hadn't been with anyone else, that he was the only one, I mean _ever_. I'd only ever been with him and he just... He said I'd probably been with loads of boys and I didn't know which one was the father.”

 

She looked at them with wide eyes, looking more vulnerable than she had at any point in their meeting and both Seb and Mark tried to imagine how she must have felt in that moment when whatever was left of her innocence in this world was crushed.

 

“It isn't true,” she appealed.

“Of course not,” assured Mark.

“You believe me?”

“Of course we do.”

Sebastian recognised the warm calm tone in Mark's voice and thought how often it had soothed and reassured him during his own worst moments. There was something so firm and immoveable about it. Seb remembered how much it had meant to him when Mark had said he believed him when he had told him his own horror stories. When Mark said something you knew he meant it. He hoped it was helping this girl feel a little better too.

 

Rachel had tipped her head to look at Kacey.

“We all believe you Kacey. It's okay. You don't need to go into any of that.”

Kacey looked at her.

“Nobody else believes me.”

“I'm sure they do.”

“No. They don't. They think I'm some stupid little slut.”

“Kacey.”

“Everybody thinks that now. I am stupid. I should have realised when he wasn't interested in me anymore that he didn't care, but I didn't realise it just meant nothing to him. I meant nothing at all. He doesn't care about me and he doesn't give a shit about this baby and it _is_ his, even if he says it's not. I haven't been with anybody else. I was still stupidly hoping he might want me again, but I don't suppose anyone will now.”

She took in a deep breath before continuing. Kacey looked out at them, anger and hurt bubbling to the surface.

“I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. He told me to stop hassling him and when I tried again he started going around telling everyone I was a complete slut and I'd been with loads of boys. I tried to tell him I wasn't like that and he just laughed at me and said I gave it up so easy I must be.”

Sebastian felt a horrible chill rush though his skin at hearing that. He knew what it felt like to be humiliated and verbally abused in that way. Seb closed his eyes for a second, remembering how he had been called such things and made to feel so ashamed, what it had done to his self-worth. He had been ten years older than Kacey. Seb had no idea how it must have hurt her when she already had something so huge to deal with.

 

Kacey took in an uneven breath.

“When I got home that night I found out he'd put all this stuff online and everyone was just spreading it around like it was true. It didn't matter what I said after that. The whole school looked at me and that's what they thought. Even the teachers looked at me like I was dirt. Nobody would listen to a word I said. They just think I'm some ho-bag and I got what I deserved.”

She lapsed into silence, her face tense, and this time when Rachel put her hand over Kacey's she didn't snatch it away.

“None of us think that way,” Rachel assured her calmly.

Kacey sat pouting, clearly trying to stop her upset spilling over and Sebastian's heart broke for her. He knew how it felt to have your trust utterly betrayed and be made to feel as though not only was it your own fault, but that you deserved it. He tried to think what he could say to let her know she wasn't to blame.

Mark could feel a sense of anger building. He wanted to find this boy and force him to confront what he had done. He didn't care that he was young. If he was old enough to do this, he was old enough to face the consequences. It didn’t matter if he was the same age as Kacey, he'd held all the cards. He'd preyed on a young girl's need for attention and affection, calculatedly told her what she needed to hear to get what he wanted. Dropped her like a stone after and then to make things worse he had destroyed her to muddy the waters and avoid any responsibility.

“I'm so sorry,” offered Seb gently. “He treated you terribly. You deserve so much better.”

Mark shook his head.

“He sounds like a complete shit-bag.”

Rachel raised her eyebrows slightly, but Mark shrugged unrepentantly.

“Sorry Rachel but is there any point pretending he's just another mixed-up kid who deserves understanding when he's clearly a little shit?”

Rachel didn't think in her position she ought to comment on the character of the father, particularly when she agreed wholeheartedly with Mark. Instead she gave Kacey's hand a rub.

 

“Let's try to put that to one side,” tried Rachel. “What we need to do now is plan for the future, try to make things more positive.”

The girl however looked to Mark.

“He is a shit. I don't know why I ever fell for him.”

It was Seb who spoke in reply.

“Sometimes you don't know the real person until it's too late. That doesn't make it your fault.”

Mark squeezed his hand, knowing what Seb meant by that.

“Absolutely darling.”

He look to Kacey.

“You're worth so much more than him. I'd forget him if I were you. Somebody who could behave like that is no loss.”

“Yeah, I guess,” agreed Kacey quietly.

“Mark's right,” concurred Rachel. “I know it must be very hard, but you have to try to put all that behind you.”

Kacey huffed out a breath and looked at her rounded stomach.

“Not much chance of that.”

 

Rachel gave a little acknowledging flick of her eyebrows.

“Well let's try and concentrate on the future. You want a good future for your baby don't you?”

Kacey nodded.

“Okay, good,” agreed Rachel, “so can you think of anything else you'd like to ask Seb and Mark? Anything you want to discuss?”

Kacey shrugged. She looked at the couple.

“If I give you my baby will you promise to look after her?”

“Of course we will,” assured Sebastian.

“It's what we want,” added Mark. “ We want to be good parents. We've looked after nieces and our nephew and we've been to lots of parenting classes.”

“Have you?” asked Kacey. “I've been to classes too but they're mostly about having the baby. Do they do that stuff with you?”

Mark smiled.

“Not so much that, more about taking care of a baby properly, feeding, sleep, nutrition, health, that sort of thing.”

“Oh right.”

“They've been very committed,” assured Rachel.

Kacey nodded.

“Okay. Will it make you happy if you have a baby?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“We hope so. I mean, yes it's what we want, so yes.”

“Not that we want to add any pressure,” qualified Sebastian. “You don't need to think about whether it makes us happy. You only need to consider what will make you happy.”

Kacey huffed a dry laugh.

“I don't think there's much chance of that unless I could turn back time by like nine months and tell myself what was going to happen. I wouldn't be such an idiot then.” She sighed. “I spose I should have listened to my mum. I thought she didn't understand, but I guess she did, I just didn't want to hear it. I thought I knew better. I was so stupid.”

“You're not stupid Kasey,” repeated Sebastian. “Everybody makes mistakes. Some of them can't be undone, but that doesn't mean you are to blame and it doesn't mean you should have to suffer the consequences forever either.”

 

He looked at her, Seb remembering when those words had been said to him and how hard he had found it to accept the truth of them. A moment of quiet fell and Seb wondered if Kacey was absorbing what he was saying.

“So you think I should give you my baby?” asked Kacey.

“I think you should do whatever is best for you.”

“Don't you want her?”

Sebastian sighed.

“I don't think it's right to push you. If you decide the best thing for you and her is that she should be adopted, then yes we would like it if you considered us.”

He glanced to Mark who nodded and gave the girl a smile.

“You do what you think is right. Nobody is going to tell you what to do. You decide. Right Rachel?”

“Of course,” confirmed Rachel. “It is your decision. You can listen to advice, maybe try talking to your mum again, but at the end of the day it's your call.”

“Mm, okay. Mum says I should start over. Do you think I can?”

“We'll do all we can to help you, whatever your decision.”

“Everybody deserves a second chance,” asserted Seb.

Mark pursed his lips slightly. Seb was too good sometimes.

“Hmm, most people, not everyone.”

“I'm not giving Steve a second chance,” stated Kasey.

“Is that his name?” enquired Seb.

“Yeah.”

“Nope. I wouldn't if I were you,” agreed Mark. “Most people deserve a second chance. Some shits on the other hand deserve a second flush to make sure they're gone.”

The girl laughed and Sebastian put his hand over his mouth to stifle laughing along. To the side Rachel took a sip of water and affected temporary deafness.

 

Seeming cheered up somewhat, the girl sat up a little and nodded, then looked decisively to Rachel.

“Okay. They can have her.”

Rachel shook her head.

“No sweetheart you don't have to decide right away.”

Kacey shrugged.

“I thought that was what this was for. They seem nice. She'd be okay with them, right?”

“Kacey this isn't how it works. You need time to think things through.”

“I don't though.”

“You do. You shouldn't rush this.”

Kacey huffed a dry laugh as she looked at her bump.

“It's not like I can really hang around is it? I'm going to have her soon. I want to know she's going to a nice home. You said they have a nice house, they've got a garden. She could be happy. Isn't that what this is all about?”

Rachel sighed.

“Yes, but not to make a snap decision. You've still got time to think.”

The girl shrugged.

“The doctor last week said the baby doesn't always come on the due date. It's just a guide, so it could be early.”

“Well that's as maybe, but you still don't need to rush things. This is a really important decision.”

“I know, but...”

“Just have a think, okay?”

 

The girl sighed. Nobody listened to her. They all thought she was too stupid to make any decisions. When she'd told them her baby should be adopted they'd kept on telling her to really think about it as if it wasn't pretty much all she _did_ think about now.

“Will they take her straight away when she's born?”

Rachel shook her head.

“You don't need to worry about that now.”

“I want to know.”

“Okay. No, that's not generally how it works, not in these circumstances. We wouldn't be so abrupt about things. She'd stay with you after the birth and we'd see how things are. You'd still be able to change your mind.”

“But if I don't?”

“Then we'd see how things were, perhaps when you're both ready to be released from hospital and even then there is the cooling off period.”

“But then they could take her?

“If that's what you decide, yes.”

“Okay.”

“You really don't need to rush things Kasey.”

“I just want to know she'll be looked after.”

 

Rachel sighed and rubbed over her hand. There was a note of anxiety in her voice and she could only guess at the fears Kacey was carrying. Perhaps she needed the security of knowing there was a plan in place and what would happen?

“She will be. I promise. You both will. Whatever you decide, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Even if you think you're sure already we'll have several more meetings,” explained Rachel.

“Why?”

“Because you need to be certain. There might be more things you want to ask.”

Kasey shrugged.

“I can't think of anything.”

“Well you might think of something. That's why it's a good idea to take some time.”

“Can I see a picture of their garden?”

Rachel looked surprised.

“Umm, well.”

“That's fine,” offered Mark. “We can take a few pics on our phones. I mean if that's alright?”

“If you're happy to, yes I don't see why not.”

“It's mainly grass,” stated Seb, not wanting her to expect anything too much. “Maybe it could use some flowers in the summer?”

The girl just looked at him and Seb didn't know what to say so he simply gave her a smile.

 

“Perhaps that's enough for now,” decided Rachel. “Unless there's anything pressing you want to ask Kacey?”

“No.”

“Okay. Seb, Mark?”

Mark shook his head.

“No we're good. Thank you.”

“Thank you for seeing us Kacey,” added Seb.

“That's okay.” She looked to Rachel. “What happens now then?”

“Well we leave it a few days, let you all have some time to think, then we'll arrange another meeting.”

“I could have the baby by then.”

“You still have a while to your due date, so let's just see. Even if it did happen then you don't need to worry.”

“Easy for you to say.”

Rachel took a deep breath and let it out before replying with steady patience.

“I know. Okay well if you've no more questions for Seb and Mark then perhaps you and I can have a chat on our own for a bit and we can go over everything so you understand how it all works and you can ask me anything you're concerned about. Okay?”

“Yeah okay.” She looked to Seb and Mark. “I'll see you again then?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yes. It was very nice to meet you. Perhaps next time you can tell us a bit more about you and we can tell you a bit more about us, yeah?”

“Yeah okay. I don't think there's much more about me though.”

“I'm sure there is. Anyway. We'll show you pictures of the garden.”

“I'd like that.”

“Alright then.”

Sebastian smiled and stood up, offering his hand again which the girl took, still clearly not knowing what to do when shaking hands. Mark shook her hand as well.

“Thanks for seeing us.”

She nodded.

“Bye.”

Seb and Mark said goodbye as they gathered up their coats and Rachel excused herself to following them outside for a moment.

  


  


As Rachel closed the door behind her she huffed out a long breath.

“Okay. Thanks for that.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Poor thing. I feel terrible for her.”

“Mm. Well, we're doing all we can.”

“Of course.”

“So for your part you're happy to continue?”

Sebastian looked to Mark and they both nodded.

“Yes? Okay then.” Rachel smiled. “Thank you for being so kind to her. I know she can be a lot to take, but she's been through a lot, still is.”

“We understand,” assured Mark. “I think it's good you gave us a bit of a heads-up.”

“Mm well sometimes she comes in full blast. It depends on her mood. In a way I think she's testing people to see if they reject her. She likes you. It took a lot longer for me to get her to open up like that.”

“Really?”

Rachel nodded.

“You just have to put to one side some things. When she's upset or angry the language and attitude ramps up. Not surprising I suppose, but it's really a self-defense mechanism.”

“Of course,” accepted Sebastian. “It sounds like she's had to try to fight her corner. That boy, the father, he sounds awful.”

“Yes well, least said I think. We have been in touch seeing as she has named him as the father but he completely refuses to accept that this is anything to do with him, so...”

 

She shrugged and shook her head. Mark considered apologising for his choice of language on the matter, but he wasn't in the least sorry when it sounded entirely appropriate, so he left it.

“Okay, so you'll be in touch for when we meet again?” he asked instead.

“Yes. Technically she should take some more time to think, but Kacey tends to be pretty strong in her opinions in my experience, so I think I'm on fairly solid ground to say we'll meet again soon. You also have the option to change your mind.”

Mark shook his head.

“No I don't think we will. Kid needs help. If we can help by taking the baby that's a good thing, right?”

Sebastian nodded along with him.

“We won't change our mind either Rachel. Just give her a bit of time and we can come in whenever.”

“Okay, thank you then. I'd better go back in. I'll be in touch.”

  


They said their goodbyes and Sebastian and Mark pulled on coats as they waited for the lift. Mark slipped his hand into Seb's and gave it a squeeze as they descended.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Just... God, Liebling I can't stop thinking about that poor girl.”

“Mm. I think it's a good job Rachel warned us to tread with care. She's a bit of a powder-keg.”

Seb looked to him.

“I'm not sure that's fair.”

Mark shook his head.

“I'm not saying it's her fault. She's had a shitty start in life and that boy, Jesus.”

Mark sighed and Seb nodded.

“Yeah okay. I just feel all defensive on her behalf.”

“Yeah, well I think Rachel's trying to do that for her too.”

“Mm I guess.”

The lift doors opened and they stepped in, pressing the button for the ground floor.

 

“She might be a little rough around the edges, but I guess that's hardly surprising,” observed Mark.

“I like her,” stated Seb firmly.

Mark huffed a laugh. Seb always sought the best in people and by looking he often found it.

“Me too sweetheart, be pretty hypocritical of us to judge her for swearing a bit when we do and she's far more cause.”

Sebastian sighed and his eyes filled with water.

“I think she must feel terribly alone.”

Mark sighed and let go of Seb's hand to put his arm around him.

“I'm sure there's more than Rachel looking after her,” he assured.

“It's not the same as being home with her mum.”

“No, well...”

Mark was about to say more when the lift doors opened and they were down in the lobby. They crossed the car-park in the now falling light and Mark looked to Seb.

“You want to drive?”

 

Sebastian shook his head and Mark knew he was preoccupied. On the way home they were quiet, the cheery Christmas songs on the radio seeming to strike a jarring note. When they got in they made a fuss of the dogs, then Mark made tea and they sat down at the kitchen table.

  


“Do you want to talk about it sweetheart?” offered Mark.

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“I just want to help her.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Sebastian looked at his tea, then back at Mark.

“I can't stop thinking about what she said about the garden. She just wants her daughter to have a garden with flowers in so she has a nice place to play because she never had that, and it just, it breaks my heart.”

Tears spilled out and Mark waited while Seb pushed them across his cheeks before pulling him into a hug.

“I know sweetheart, I know.”

He sighed as he rubbed over Sebastian's back, then as Seb sat up Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“You want to take her in too don't you?” Mark guessed.

“Don't you? She's all alone Liebling and she's so unhappy.”

Mark sighed.

“Rachel said it's not what they're looking for. She wants a home for her baby and then she might actually get a chance to be a kid again.”

“If her mum takes her back.”

“Well it sounds to me like her mum wants that. I think it's pretty clear Kacey's not the easiest to handle. I'm not saying she's a bad kid, just a teenager. They can be tough enough at the best of times.”

“I suppose. Yeah I mean of course it'd be best if she's back with her mother.”

“If she doesn't feel ready to be a mother herself what we can really do to help is take the baby and then she can move on, try and rebuild her life.”

“Those other kids have been so mean to her.”

“Yeah. Kids can be vicious. I couldn't do high school again. It's like 'Lord of the Flies'.”

“Huh?”

Mark smiled.

“It's a book? You never read it?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“What's it about?”

“Oh, well from memory it's about a bunch of kids who wind up stranded alone on a remote island. I think they might be evacuees or something, I can't remember. Anyway they go savage and turn on one another. Pretty nasty.”

“That sounds horrible.”

“Yeah. Actually maybe it's best you don't read it. It'd probably only upset you and I can't remember if it has a happy ending.”

“Hmm.”

“Anyway, look I totally understand where you're coming from about Kacey, but I think we need to listen to Rachel, let her guide us, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

“You empathise because you've been through tough things too darling. I'm sure she responded to that.”

“I think she just wanted someone to hear her out.”

“Yeah, well that's why Rachel said to let her talk. I'm sure she's doing more of that with her right now.”

“Yeah okay. I guess when she's had the baby she might feel a bit less uncertainty in her life,” supposed Seb.

“And we can give her that, right?” asserted Mark. “We can give her baby a home and if she knows that her little girl is going to a good family you'd think that would be a comfort.”

“Mm. You don't think she'll change her mind?”

“Well she seemed pretty keen to say yes to us.”

“No I don't mean that,” Seb explained. “I meant about giving up her baby.”

“Oh. Well I don't know sweetheart. I can't really imagine what that feels like. We'll just have to see. In the meantime all we can do is give her a good option and let her make her choice.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay.” He took in the deepest of breaths and pushed it out. “Yeah okay Liebling. Sorry for getting worked up.”

Mark shook his head.

“You don't need to be sorry. All this is a lot to go through.”

“Not compared to what she's going through.”

“No I suppose not.”

“When do you think Rachel will call us?” wondered Seb.

“Dunno. Friday maybe? Kacey's right when she says they can't hang about too much.”

“No.”

“We can take some pictures of the garden tomorrow. I think she'd like that. Show her there's lots of room to play.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We should make sure we don't include the house in the shots.”

“Hm?”

“Of the garden. We should take them facing out. It'd just feel like rubbing it in to show her we have a swimming pool and stuff.”

“She might like that.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It wouldn't be fair Liebling. Rich people are just things in magazines to her. It's not her life. It wouldn't feel right.”

“Okay, well we can do that tomorrow when it's light, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave Seb a little smile though he knew he still would be worrying and finding a way to feel guilty that he wasn't doing enough. Seb's compassion came from his own suffering and Mark knew that made distancing himself hard. The dogs seemed to sense their mood and pushed gently in, so the pair of them stroked over their fur again and let it calm them. All they really could do now was yet more waiting. It wasn't likely to get any easier.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah and back to the non-cheery stuff I'm afraid, but as Jess noted; if they're going to adopt it's unlikely to come with a happy story.


	187. Future Possibilities

* * *

 

  
  


Mark and Seb weren't entirely surprised when Mark's phone rang shortly after lunch on the Friday, just when they were discussing what they might do to occupy themselves for the afternoon. Mark set the phone in front of them on the kitchen counter.

“Hi Rachel?” he started, assuming it was her calling seeing as it always was when the adoption agency number flashed up.

“Hi Mark, is Seb there?”

“Yeah we're both here,” answered Sebastian.

“Hi Seb. Great, okay I'm glad I've caught you. Are you free to talk?”

“Sure, we're just at home.”

“Right, okay well I was wondering if you might be available this afternoon? I know it's short notice.”

“Oh um, yeah we're not really doing anything are we Liebling?”

“Nope. We are at your disposal Rachel,” confirmed Mark. “Do you want us to come in to see you?”

“Um, sort of, but not to the office.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, um, okay so Kacey is very strongly in favour of progressing things and I wanted to check first that you were still in favour?”

“Absolutely.”

“Of course we are,” agreed Sebastian. “Would she like to see us again?”

“Yes, that's really why I'm calling.”

“How is she doing?” Seb enquired.

“Well she's okay, sort of... Actually she's in the hospital.”

“Oh my goodness. Is she having the baby already?”

Sebastian gripped hold of Mark's hand feeling a rush of both excitement and concern.

 

“No not yet.”

“Oh.”

Mark gave Seb a little smile hearing the deflation in his voice.

“So what's she in for Rach? You said she's okay?” Mark enquired.

“Well, mostly okay. She had a check-up this morning and the doctor decided her blood-pressure was too high, so they brought her in and now they seem to want to keep her in to monitor her for a while.”

“Oh gosh, poor thing. Is she alright?” checked Sebastian.

“It's just a precaution really. Given her age they really want to keep a close eye on her.”

“Oh okay.”

“I went in to see her before lunch, then I had to pop back to the office for a conference call, but I'm heading back in now and I wondered if you wanted to come with me?”

“Of course.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who nodded.

“We can do that. No problem. Do you want us to meet you there?” Mark asked.

“If you could, yes. She's in the main hospital in Milton Keynes. How far is that from you?”

“Umm, about a half hour. I've never been to the hospital but I'm sure we'll find it.”

“We certainly know the way to Milton Keynes,” noted Seb.

“Of course, yes, well I'm going to head there now. I told her I'd ask you, so she'll be pleased.”

“Is she okay to have visitors?”

“Yes it's fine. To be honest she was moaning about being bored trapped in bed, so I think it would be good for her to have some distraction.”

“Oh yes okay.”

Rachel smiled.

“Actually I think the fact she was complaining is a good sign. I've managed to wangle her a private room, but I think it would cheer her up to have visitors.”

“Has her mum been to see her?” asked Mark.

“Yes she came in before but she had to get back to work, so Kacey's on her own right now.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Poor thing.”

“We'll go right there,” assured Mark. “Are you going now?”

“Yep. Just head up to maternity and ask on the desk. I'll make sure you are cleared and meet you there.”

“Thanks. Alright well I'm sure we'll find it. Give us half an hour or so.”

“Great. See you in a bit then. Thanks.”

 

They hung up and Mark puffed out a long breath.

“You know that girl's right when she says we shouldn't muck about.”

Seb frowned.

“Huh?”

“Kacey, when she said we ought to get on with things and not waste any time.”

“Oh. Yes.” Sebastian sighed. “She must be scared Liebling, being in the hospital on her own. I feel like we should take her something.”

“Like what?”

“I don't know. Oh. Flowers. We can take her flowers. I'm sure she'd like that.”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Great ideal darling. That should raise a smile. Let's have a quick look where we can stop off on the way and get going, yeah?”

“Yep.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


Forty minutes later they stood at the reception desk alone while the nurse went to fetch Rachel. Sebastian clutched a bouquet of flowers, hoping they weren't too over the top and feeling oddly nervous. Moments later both Rachel and the nurse appeared. A broad smile spread over Rachel's face as she approached them.

“Hi. Thanks for coming. Goodness, are they for Kacey?”

“That's alright isn't it?” checked Seb. “Maybe we should have asked?”

“No it's very thoughtful. Um, Sister you couldn't maybe find us a vase for those could you?”

“I'll see what I can find,” consented the nurse.

“Thanks.” Rachel looked back to Seb and Mark. “Okay, you want to come through?”

“Sure.”

  
  


The followed her down a hospital corridor, Mark thinking how the smell of disinfectant reminded him unpleasantly of when Seb was in hospital over a year ago. The nurse directed them to wipe some disinfectant gel over their hands before holding her fob up to open up a secure door and left Rachel to take them further on past several closed doors until she stopped at one. She paused and looked to them.

“Seeing as you both seem so keen, there isn't anything specific we need to go through today other than taking the chance to get to know each other a bit better. To be honest she really just wants someone to chat to and to pay her a bit of attention.”

Mark nodded.

“Sure. We can do that, can't we sweetheart?”

“Course.”

“Great.”

Rachel knocked on the door before opening it slowly. She smiled and ushered the other two in.

“Hey Kacey, look what Seb and Mark have brought you.”

 

They walked in to see the girl sat propped in bed. As she saw the bunch of flowers her eyes widened.

“Oh wow. Are they for me?”

“We thought they might brighten the place up,” offered Mark.

Sebastian stepped in and passed them to her and Kacey stared at them before leaning in to sniff them. She smiled and looked to her visitors.

“No one's ever bought me flowers before.”

“You like them?” asked Seb.

“They're lovely. Thank you. Wow.”

She sat still gazing at them for a moment while Rachel brought over some chairs to set by the bed, two on the side where Mark and Seb stood while there was already one for her on the other side.

“Why don't we just pop those here?” she proposed. “I think a vase will be coming.”

She took the bouquet and rested it carefully on one of the cabinets either side of the bed.

“Take a seat,” she instructed and Seb and Mark did so.

 

“How're you doing?” enquired Mark, sat on the further chair, Seb on the nearer one.

The girl sat back against the pillows and puffed a breath.

“I thought being stuck in the home was rubbish.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yeah hospitals aren't the best. Still, hopefully they're looking after you?”

“Yeah I guess. They're making such a fuss. I'm fine.”

“They just want to be sure,” noted Rachel.

“I'm sure it's better to make certain you're alright,” offered Seb.

“Spose,” shrugged Kacey. “It's so boring here though.”

“Mm, well.”

The girl pointed up to the television on a swivel attached to the far wall.

“I put that on and there's only five channels and all of them seem to be ads for funeral care and programmes on antiques. It's like the most depressing thing in the world.”

Sebastian let out a little laugh.

“Oh dear. Sorry.”

The girl shrugged and huffed out a breath.

“At least you get a room on your own,” offered Seb.

“Spose. They put me on a ward at first and there were all these women going to have babies.” Kacey sighed and looked to Seb and Mark. “You should of seen the way they looked at me. It was horrible.”

“Better you're in here then,” suggested Mark.

“I guess. There's no one to talk to though.”

“Well we're here.”

“Yeah. Sorry. I told Rachel you should come, so thanks.”

“No problem.”

“I've still got like a week and a bit until I'm meant to have it but the nurse said she thought they might make me stay here the whole time. I think I'm going to do my nut.”

Mark smiled and tried not to laugh.

 

“Not much fun I suppose,” he sympathised.

“No. I can't even remember the last time I had any fun.”

“They're looking after you though?” checked Seb.

“I guess. They did loads of tests and said all these long words. I don't really know what they were on about. I asked them what it meant and they just said not to worry about it.” The girl rolled her eyes and sighed. “I don't get any say in anything. They just think I'm some silly little girl.”

“I'm sure they don't Kacey,” tried Rachel. “I'll try to talk to the medical staff and ask them to explain things properly to you.”

Kacey looked at her, pouting slightly.

“I don't know what they mean about things.”

Rachel nodded.

“Mm. Doctors use medical language and I think they don't realise it's incomprehensible to most normal people. I'll talk to them, okay?”

“'kay.” Kacey paused. “Thanks.”

“That's alright. I think it's mostly that your blood-pressure is above normal and for your sake and the baby's they want to try to keep it down and make sure you are both alright. You need to rest and keep your stress levels down,” Rachel explained.

Kacey pulled a face.

“No stress? Ha, yeah right.”

Rachel hid a sigh.

“While Seb and Mark are here wouldn't you like to talk to them some more? Maybe ask them any questions you might have thought of?”

 

Kacey switched to look at the other two.

“Did you take a picture of your garden?”

“Oh, um yeah, hang on.”

Mark pulled his phone out and went to the gallery, pulling up the most recent snap which they had taken yesterday morning when the sky was bright. He offered it over.

“There's a few if you want to swipe through.”

The girl sat up a fraction and peered in at the photograph.

“It's mostly grass,” stated Seb. “Not very exciting, though the trees are pretty in autumn.”

“It's massive!” exclaimed Kacey.

“Oh well, I mean...”

“Is this all yours?”

“Well, yeah.”

Mark shrugged.

“We live in the country so really beyond us it's just fields.”

“Wow. You could play football on this.”

Mark smiled.

“Not quite a football pitch, but yeah there's lots of room to play.”

“We played a cricket match on it in the summer,” recalled Seb. “We had all our families over, our nieces and nephew and my little brother camped out. It was really good fun.”

Kacey looked at him.

“That sounds nice. I've never played cricket though.”

“Me neither really, but it was fun. Mark's lot are Aussie so they're really into it.”

Kacey nodded.

“How old are they?”

“Hmm?”

“Your nieces and stuff.”

“Ah, okay, um well my sister's little girl is nine months old now. Obviously she wasn't playing, but we get to look after her sometimes.”

“Is she cute?”

“Yeah she's really cute. Good as gold. Then, well, Mark how old are your lot now?”

“My nephew is twelve, nieces fifteen and seventeen.”

“Oh right. Same age as me,” noted Kacey.

“Yeah,” nodded Mark, thinking how his sister would have palpations at hearing they might be adopting a child had by a girl as young as her youngest daughter. She'd doubtless be tempted to lock both girls in their rooms in the evenings in future.

“My brother is seventeen too,” added Seb.

Kacey looked to him.

“Really? Huh, that's a lot younger than you.”

“Yep. True. We get on really well though.”

 

Kacey nodded, then went back to looking at the picture on Mark's phone.

“There's a couple on there,” encouraged Mark, “though they're mostly the same thing.”

The girl swiped and looked through the pictures, her face full of curiosity.

“It's like a park. Did you get the flowers from it?”

Mark smiled.

“Ah no, we bought them.”

“Oh really? From a flower shop?”

“Yep. We made a pitstop on the way.”

The girl turned to look at the flowers again, then looked to Seb and Mark.

“There's a flower shop on the high street. When I was little mum always had to pull on my hand cos I wanted to stay and look in the window at all the flowers. Once she let me go inside and it was full of loads of different flowers. I thought it was all beautiful but when I looked at this flower arrangement Mum said it was for a funeral. I thought it was pretty.”

She frowned slightly.

“I wonder why you give flowers to dead people? I mean what's the point?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I dunno. Never really thought about that.”

“I think it's to cheer up the people who go to the funeral really,” offered Sebastian, “and to show that you loved the person you've lost.”

“Mm, I guess.”

“You like flowers,” noted Sebastian.

The girl shrugged.

“I know it's silly.”

“Why would it be silly?”

“Well there's no point to them. Mum says they just die when you cut them.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I suppose so. If they make someone happy for a while isn't that a good thing?”

“I guess.” The girl looked at him cautiously before speaking again. “I like the ones in the park. They're really pretty in the summer and they're in all patterns. We hang out there when the weather's nice and I said to the others how you could see they do designs with the planting different ones together and...”

She stopped and shrugged.

“No one else was interested and one of the boys chucked a ball at them and it made me want to cry cos they were all squashed afterwards.”

Sebastian sighed and shook his head.

“People can be very thoughtless. Maybe the flowers bounced back after a while?”

“No I think they were dead.”

“Oh.”

 

Sebastian sighed. This girl seemed to live in a world of brutal realities, no point to her in pretending things were nicer than they were. Perhaps that was why she was drawn to something like flowers which brought a little joy into life, even if for a short while?

She looked back to the phone and swiped on, examining the pictures.

“Who's she? She's pretty.”

“Hm?”

She showed them the phone and they saw she had moved on to the pictures they had taken at the weekend when Jess and Jenson had visited.

“Oh that's a friend of ours, they came to visit last weekend.”

“She looks like a model.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Um well she is.”

“What?”

The girl's eyebrows shot up.

“Really? Wow. A real model? Like in magazines?”

“Yep. Mostly in Japan.”

She stared at the picture.

“I don't recognise her.”

“No well I don't think she does so much over here. They live abroad.”

“Wow.”

She sat open mouthed and Mark noted that she was far more impressed at knowing they were friends with a real-life model than hearing that they were racing drivers.

 

Kacey flicked though to another picture from the ones at home to the ones in London, stopping on a selfie of Seb and Jess with the Christmas lights of Oxford Street in the background.

“Where was this?”

“London. We went on a little trip last Saturday.”

“Cool. The lights look pretty.”

“Yeah we thought so.”

“Did you go round the shops?”

“We did a bit, yeah.”

“I went to London once on a school trip. It was cool but they wouldn't let us go off round the shops. We had to go round a museum instead.”

“Not so interesting?” guessed Seb.

Kacey shrugged.

“I dunno, bits were alright. It was good to be out of school.”

“I'll bet.”

She flicked through a couple more pictures, seeming fascinated to see them with their friends.

“Kacey sweetheart you probably shouldn't go through all those. They're private,” warned Rachel.

“It's fine,” assured Mark. “There's nothing exciting on there.”

 

Kacey shrugged and handed the phone back.

“Thanks,” nodded Mark as he took it.

“What was that trophy?”

“Hmm? Oh that'd be from the work do I went to the other week.”

“For racing?”

“Yeah. Actually the guy you saw in those pictures, he won that one.”

“Is he a racing driver too?”

“Yep.”

Kacey nodded.

“I don't know anyone like that. You know cool people.”

Mark shrugged.

“I guess if you race you get to be friends with people who do the same thing.”

“Have you always been a racing driver?”

“Pretty much. I was at school for a while there.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“He thinks he's funny.”

“Don't you think he's funny?” asked Kacey.

Sebastian smiled at Mark.

“He has his moments.”

“Is that how you met if you're both racing drivers?”

“Yeah it is.”

Kacey nodded.

“That's nice.”

Seb smiled.

“Yeah. What do you want to do when you're older?”

“Like as a job?”

“Yeah. What are you interested in?”

She shrugged.

“I'm no good a school.”

“I wasn't much good at school either,” offered Seb.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I missed quite a lot of it cos I started racing really young, so that didn't help.”

“Oh right.”

“School's not everything. What do you like outside that?”

 

Kacey puffed a breath.

“I just liked hanging with my friends really.”

“Mm. Anything else? You like outdoor spaces? Parks and flowers and things like that?”

She looked down slightly and Seb frowned wondering what he had said wrong, then she looked up.

“Last year we had this careers day thing at school and our form teacher asked everyone to say what they wanted to do. Everyone else said stuff like, you know, footballer and model and singer and all that. When she got to me I didn't know what to say, so I just said I'd like to work in the flower shop.”

Kacey stopped and looked at Seb, her face tight.

“They all laughed at me. Even Miss Gibbs. I told them all to get lost and I walked out. I walked right out of school and...”

She took a sharp breath and then scowled.

“It was stupid anyway. They called my mum in and I got such a bollocking the next day, but it was all a waste of time. They weren't even doing any lessons all day so what was the point? I had to sit in my head of year's office while they all had a go at me. I told them what happened and Miss Gibbs said it wasn't like that, but it _was_. She totally lied and said she hadn't laughed, but she _did_ and she didn't tell the others off at all. Mr Harding just said I shouldn't be so over-sensitive and I was the one who was wrong for having a go back at people.”

Kacey took in another breath after her tirade and looked to see what their reaction was. Sebastian shook his head.

“That all sounds very unfair,” he sympathised.

Kacey shrugged one shoulder.

“I probably shouldn't have told him to fuck off,” she conceded.

Mark burst out laughing and Sebastian put his hand over his mouth to stop himself doing the same.

“Oh god, sorry Kacey,” apologised Mark, “but oh dear, I can't imagine he reacted well to that.”

Kacey shrugged again.

“He never liked me anyway.”

“Mm, well sounds like you got the rough end of things there,” offered Mark more soberly.

“I think your class-mates were very unkind,” agreed Sebastian.

“Yeah,” Mark concurred. “Sounds to me like you were the only one who said anything sensible. What are the odds any of those kids are really gonna go off and be international footballers and super-models and pop-stars? They're just pipe-dreams. I think working in a flower shop sounds a very good idea if you like that kind of thing.”

“Really?” asked Kacey quietly.

“Yeah. Why not?”

Kacey looked at him.

“I don't know if I'd be any good.”

Mark shrugged back.

“How do you know if you haven't tried?”

“Having a passion for something is more important,” offered Seb. “If you enjoy it then it might be perfect for you. Think how many people you could make happy by giving them nice bouquets and flower arrangements.”

“I dunno. Maybe. I'm probably not going to pass any of my exams.”

“How many exams do you really need to arrange flowers?” suggested Mark. “I mean sure, some maths to work the till, add things up, maybe need to be able to spell things on the little notes, but other than that?”

“I guess.”

“I mean you might want to work on your customer service skills. Maybe try telling people to fuck off a little less often?”

Kacey smiled and Mark gave her a little wink to let her know he was joking. Over to the side Rachel felt as though she ought to tell Mark not swear, but it was hard to do that when Kacey frequently used language that Rachel tactically ignored. At least they were encouraging her to do something positive. She could hardly fault them for that.

 

Kacey looked to Seb.

“Do you think I could really do that?”

“I don't see why not. You could see if you could start with a Saturday job maybe? Or some work experience, show them you're really interested and willing to work hard, show up on time, get on well with people. That sort of thing.”

“I'm nice to people if they're nice to me.”

“I'm sure you are. You know it actually gets a bit easier as you get older and if you're happy doing what makes you happy. Then you're in a good mood to start with.”

“Hm, yeah I spose.” Kacey looked to Rachel. “Do you think I could do that?”

Rachel nodded.

“I'm sure you could. It sounds like a great idea to me. There must be lots of florists about where you could get your foot in the door.”

“Hm, yeah maybe. I like the idea of growing flowers too.”

“Maybe a garden centre then?” suggested Rachel.

“I don't think there's any of those by me.”

“You could get a bus.”

“Hmm, I guess.”

“Or somebody has to plant those flowers in the park. That might be a nice job.”

“I think I'd shout at anyone who kicked footballs at them,” admitted Kacey.

“Mm, well. Perhaps we should have a chat about all this? We could look at college courses in horticulture and customer service, that sort of thing?”

“What's horticulture?”

“Growing things.”

“Oh. Wouldn't I need exams?”

“Well we can look into it. Not everything depends on the academic side. Like Seb said, if you have a passion for something it can carry you a long way.”

“Okay.”

“I'll look into it for you,” offered Rachel.

“Really?”

“Sure. You'd still need to work towards your GCSEs.”

“Oh.”

“We'll help, okay? You don't need to worry about it right now.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Kacey sat back in bed and looked at the bunch of flowers to the side. It felt like the first time she'd been spoken to as if she was an adult. It would be so nice to be out of school and away from all those bitchy other girls and shithead boys and instead be somewhere filled with lovely flowers where no one was mean to her and nobody laughed at her for being stupid. She could pick all the right colours to go together and make someone smile even when they were sad because somebody had died. Or plant the flowers in the park and stand there with one of those big metal fork things to stomp on any footballs that came too close. Kacey smiled as she imagined making one go pop as she protected her flowers, and the look on a boy's face. That'd teach them.

 

“You like that idea?” enquired Sebastian seeing her smile.

“Hm? Oh. Yeah. I don't really want to go back to school. I'd rather just do that.”

“We'll talk about things,” assured Rachel. “See if we can come up with a plan with your social worker.”

“Okay.”

She leaned back against the pillows and let out a long sigh.

“Are you tired?” asked Seb.

“Hm? No.”

“Is there anything you want to ask us?”

Kacey puffed out a long breath.

“I dunno. What's it like racing? Is it exciting?”

Sebastian smiled.

“It has its moment doesn't it Liebling?”

“Certainly does.”

“Do you go really fast?”

“Pretty fast, yeah.”

“Mark races in Endurance racing so they go for a really long time, taking it in turns.”

“How long?”

“Well at Le Mans it's twenty-four hours.”

“For one race? Like the whole of the time?”

“Yep.”

“Well it's not me at the wheel the whole time,” adjusted Mark. “Like Seb says we take turns, do an hour or a couple of hours at most, then my two team-mates have their turns and we keep going.”

“Is Seb your team-mate?”

Mark smiled.

“Not any more. We used to be team-mates when I was in F1. Have you heard of F1? It's short for Formula One.”

“Oh right. Yeah I guess.”

Sebastian smiled too. They really weren't the centre of the universe that some in the paddock thought they were.

 

“I'm still in F1, but Mark retired and went into WEC. That's Endurance racing, so it's different. He races for Porsche.”

“Porsche? You have a Porsche?”

Mark nodded.

“It's a pretty cool team to be a part of.”

“Where are your races?” asked Kacey. “Are they at Silverstone? That's not far from here. I've never been there, but they do racing there don't they?”

“Yep we race there and all over really.”

“All over the country?”

“Oh, um, no, all over the world.”

She stared at him.

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“Where?”

“Um, well. WEC goes to quite a few different countries, Japan, Brazil, Bahrain, Germany, America, lots of places.”

“Wow.”

“Mm. I dunno. It sounds more glamorous than it really is. We work pretty hard and we mostly just see the hotel and the race-track. Long hours in the garage.”

“Oh right.”

“I mean it is fun too. We enjoy our racing, most of the time anyway.”

“Is yours all over the world too?” Kacey asked Sebastian.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah all over.”

“The same places?”

“Mostly. Not at the same time though.”

“I've never been abroad.”

“No, well the travel gets pretty tiring and it's less exciting when you've been doing it a long time. We prefer to be home as much as possible.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“Do you get homesick?”

Seb gave her a little smile.

“Yeah I guess that's it. I never called it that, but yeah I think you're right. I miss our home and I miss Mark if he can't come and I miss our dogs.”

“Can't you take them with you?”

“No. They wouldn't like it anyway. If we're away we're in hotels and they need lots of space to run around, nice fields to walk through. That's what I enjoy doing when we're home.”

“Walking the dogs?”

“Yep.”

“Is the countryside nice?”

“We think so.”

“Don't you get bored?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“No we're very happy there.”

 

“What else do you do?”

“Erm, well we go for walks, go running, cycling, swimming.”

“You must be really fit.”

“Ha, yeah well we need to be to race.”

“Aren't you just sat in a car?”

“It's a lot harder work than it looks.”

“Oh okay. So you just do sporty stuff?”

“Mostly. Um, we like cooking and just, well, homey stuff; watching films and TV, reading, that kind of thing.”

“I like reading.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah. Where my mum works they have magazines out in the waiting area and when they're going to be thrown out they let her have some of them and she brings them home for me. I read all of them. They're... I mean they're kind of old sometimes, but I still like them. I have big pile in my room.”

Sebastian nodded. When he thought of reading he really meant books, but reading was reading and he guessed that Kacey's mother had been trying to encourage her in whatever way she could.

“Sounds good,” he offered.

 

He looked to Rachel.

“If she's going to be in here a while could we maybe get her a couple of magazines to read? We passed a shop downstairs.”

Rachel paused.

“Um, well strictly speaking you're not supposed to give gifts, but... well...”

“Oh please Rachel,” appealed Kacey. “Why not? Please I'm so bored when I'm on my own.”

Rachel sighed. There were rules, but then what was a few magazines? It was hardly a bribe. Once Kacey had tired of them she could just put them in the reception area for visitors. It did no harm surely? Particularly when Kacey had already repeatedly stated that she wanted the Vettel-Webbers to adopt her baby, so it wasn't as if anyone could say they were trying to win her over. Sod it. Why not let them give her a tiny bit of happiness in all this?

“Yes alright.” She looked to Seb and Mark. “If you want to that is?”

“Course we do.”

“Why don't I bob down?” proposed Mark. “Which do you like?”

Rachel reached into her bag and found a biro and her notebook.

“Kacey why don't you jot a few down and Mark can see which they have down in the gift-shop?”

 

When she was done Kacey passed the notebook back to Rachel who ripped the page out and stood to pass it to Mark.

“Righto. I'll see what I can rustle up. Does anyone need a coffee or anything?” he offered.

“You don't need to,” deflected Rachel.

“No bother. I'm going down anyway. Sweetheart, you fancy a coffee? I could use one.”

“Oh, um yeah okay, thanks. Do you need me to come?” replied Seb.

“Nah I'll manage. Right, coffee for you. Rachel?”

“Um, well if you're sure, then okay, I'll have a latte, thank you.”

“Sugar?”

“No thanks.”

Mark looked to both Kacey and Rachel.

“Can I get Kacey something? I don't suppose coffee, but I don't know? Are you allowed... I don't know if you're on a special diet, hospital restrictions?”

“You can have a drink if you like,” Rachel offered Kacey. “No caffeine I'm afraid, but other than that.”

“I'm sure they do juice and things,” suggested Mark.

“Um, yeah that'd be good. Is it like a proper coffee shop?” asked Kacey.

“I think I saw a Costa sign.”

“Cool, could I, like if they do those mango smoothie drinks. Can I have one of those?”

“Sure. If not is orange juice okay?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Righto. Five, ten minutes.”

 

Mark swept out on his mission and Seb gave Kacey a smile.

“What else do you like to do? Do you like watching films or TV?”

Kacey nodded.

“What do you enjoy watching?” he enquired.

“Dunno, like normal stuff, X-Factor, MTV all that.”

Sebastian nodded.

“So you like music then?”

“Yeah.”

“What kind?”

“All kinds really. What about you?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Sure, I like music. Old-fashioned stuff mostly though. The Beatles, that kind of thing. You've heard of them?”

The girl huffed a laugh.

“Course. Everyone's heard of them.”

“Right, well I put stuff on my iPod and listen to it when I need a bit of space.”

“I do that. I just go to my room and lie on my bed.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. When Mark's not there I do that in my room at races sometimes and just chill out for a bit.”

“Does it make you feel better?”

“It does. I guess that's why I tend to pick familiar stuff. It's comforting.”

“Do you miss him?”

“Hm?”

“Mark, if he's not there.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Are you lonely if you're on your own when you're away?”

“A bit, yeah. I mean I'm pretty busy when I'm working, but if I'm in my room, or back at the hotel in the evening I can get a bit lonely.”

“What do you do?”

“I call him if I can. We have ridiculous phone-bills.”

“Really?”

“Fraid so.”

“When I got a phone my first bill was so big my mum went mental. I only have a pay-as-you-go now.”

“Ah, yeah perhaps that's best.”

“Hm, not really. It runs out too fast.”

“Mm. Ah well.”

“I can still listen to the radio on it, so that's kind of good.”

“I like listening to the radio in my car when I'm driving.”

“When you're racing?” asked Kacey in astonishment.

Sebastian let out a laugh.

“Ah, no, sorry I didn't put that well. I mean my normal car, going to work or wherever.”

“Oh right, yeah I wouldn't think you'd have radio in a race car. It'd be distracting.”

“Well actually we do, but it's not music. It's like an intercom to the garage so the team can talk to me.”

“Really?”

“Yep and I can talk back to them.”

“Like a phone?”

“Kind of. What about films? What films do you like?” asked Sebastian.

“Um, whatever's on really. Mum likes mushy stuff like 'Love Actually' and that.”

“Ah, you don't?”

“It's okay. I like comedies.”

“Me too. It's nice to watch something that makes you laugh isn't it?”

“Yeah. It sort of makes you forget about real life,” agreed Kacey.

“Exactly.”

“What kind of films do you like?”

“Ah well I like comedies, sure and action stuff, all sorts if they're good films.”

  
  


Kacey nodded and Sebastian sat in a little.

“Shall I tell you a secret?”

Rachel who was sat silently on the other side furrowed her brow, but Kacey sat forwards too.

“What?” she pushed.

“Ah you have to promise not to tell anyone,” insisted Seb.

“I promise. Hand on heart. I can keep a secret.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay. So you'll probably think it's very silly, but I really like Disney films.”

“No way?”

“Yep. Now you can't tell a soul.”

“I won't.”

“I know they're really for kids, but they cheer me up, you know, Toy Story, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Beauty and the Beast, all that.”

Kacey smiled.

“I love Disney films. Me and mum, we used to sit under the blanket on the sofa and eat popcorn for movie nights.”

“That sounds fun.”

“It was when I was younger, but I kind of miss it.”

“Maybe you could in future?”

 

Kacey looked down and nodded slightly. Her mum had been nice earlier, but so often they ended up rowing these days. The times when they had sat cosily watching Disney films together seemed so long ago.

“I dunno.”

“I just find they cheer me up,” stated Seb. “I know some people would say it was daft watching kids things, but well, anyway...”

He glanced to Rachel and saw her smiling.

“I know it's kind of strange,” he allowed.

Rachel shook her head.

“Everyone likes a Disney film. Beauty and the Beast is one of my favourites.”

  
  


Sebastian smiled at Rachel, then back at Kacey. He knew he was trusting a girl he barely knew with a lot of personal information, but they were asking a lot more of her in return. Didn't she deserve to understand the people she might give her child to? The worst that could happen was that she changed her mind and then went to the papers or shared it on social media. He was sure Rachel had given her any number of lectures to warn her how bad that would be. They just had to trust her. Surely it was the only way that she would trust them?

Once Seb had been unable to trust anyone. All he had been presented with was the worst in people. He had been persuaded that people only saw the worst in him. All that distrust and fear had only made him miserable. He had risked trusting Mark and the reward had been greater than Seb could have imagined. He had to keep daring to take risks, to risk his heart for a future he dreamed of. It was the only way he might be rewarded with that dream coming true.

  
  


  
  


A few minutes later the door opened, but with the nurse with a vase to put the flowers in, not Mark. He took another ten minutes before struggling to open the door carrying a cardboard take-out tray crammed with four drinks and a carrier bag filled with magazines. He passed the drinks around and them picked up the bag he had deposited on the floor to rest on the bed. Kacey immediately reached for it and smiled.

“Oh my god you got loads.”

Mark shrugged. He hadn't really thought about it. All he'd done was pick up what was on the list and pile them on the till. As Kacey sucked her smoothie through a straw she used the hand not holding the plastic cup to check each magazine as she pulled them from the bag to re-pile them beside her on the bed. She smiled at Mark.

“Thank you. This is really cool.”

“Keep you busy,” he shrugged as he lifted the lid on his coffee and blew on it before taking a sip.

“That was very generous of you,” noted Rachel.

“No biggie,” he dismissed.

 

Rachel thought she counted at least six, maybe eight magazines there. When she had suggested Mark look for what was on the list she'd expected they would only have a couple of them in the shop. She supposed she couldn't blame Mark from taking it more literally. At least the gossipy ones wouldn't have cost much, not that she thought they counted the pennies. She didn't want Kacey to be dazzled by the Vettel-Webbers apparently wealthy and glamorous life, but there was no point pretending they weren't who they were. Half a dozen magazines probably wasn't going to make a huge difference.

They seemed to be getting on well and Sebastian and Mark appeared unfazed by Kacey's up and down nature. Rachel let them go on chatting while she sipped her own drink seeing as they seemed not to need her intervention. Instead she sat thinking about how she might discuss with Kacey's mother and the social workers to get everyone to agree that having her back home would be best now. Strictly speaking it might be more the job of Kacey's social worker than her to take the lead on that, but Rachel considered the girl her charge and her future as much in her care as the baby due all too soon. That was assuming the hospital let Kacey go home. Her mother had promised to come back during evening visiting hours so perhaps she'd agree to see Rachel for five minutes if she came back to the hospital after finishing up in the office. It was going to be another late night.

  
  


  
  


When she looked at her watch Rachel was surprised to see it had got as late as four o'clock. She waited until there was a natural pause in conversation, then spoke up.

“Um, sorry but I'm afraid I really need to get back to the office,” she stated. “If I don't go now then I won't be able to get hold of anyone if I need to.”

Mark nodded and started collecting up the empty take-out cups to put them in the bin.

“Oh are you going too?” asked Kacey.

“I'm sure you need a rest,” he offered.

“I'm not tired.”

Rachel gave a little shake of her head.

“I'm afraid you need to be chaperoned.”

“Why?”

“They're just the rules because of your age.”

“Oh.”

“We'll come again,” promised Sebastian. “Assuming you're still in. If not I'm sure Rachel will arrange something, right?”

“Of course.”

Rachel was busy pulling her jacket on and hitching her bag onto her shoulder. Really she'd allowed herself to stay too long when she had other things to be getting on with. She'd have to go in tomorrow morning and see if she could catch up.

“Thanks for seeing us,” Seb offered to Kacey.

“Oh sure. Thanks for the magazines and the drink.”

“No problem.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Ha, it was me who bought them.”

“Sorry, thanks Mark,” adjusted Kacey.

Mark shook his head.

“I was teasing Seb not you. It's fine. Hope you like them.”

“I will.”

“Great. Hope you'll feel okay and that.”

“Mm, the doctor said he had to do those tests again later,” remembered Kacey.

“Well with any luck it'll be all clear. Right, well guess we'll be seeing you then.”

“Yeah okay. Bye.”

Sebastian felt bad for how sad she sounded.

“You'll be okay. Have you got your iPod?”

“Hm? Oh yeah.”

“Maybe you could have a listen to some music for a while to relax?” he proposed. “Just an idea.”

“I spose.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” concurred Rachel. “Okay, I'm going to pop in this evening so I'll see you later.”

Kacey nodded and they said their goodbyes before exiting into the corridor.

 

“Will she be okay?” checked Seb. “I feel bad leaving her all alone.”

“Her mum's coming in later,” stated Rachel. “That's really why I'm coming back. I want to have another chat with her.”

“Ah right.”

“How's things going there?” enquired Mark. “I mean if we're allowed to ask?”

“You can ask, it's fine. Yeah positive I think. She really does care a great deal for Kacey. It wasn't for that she came into care. It was more just to give them space for a few weeks to really come to terms with things in a calmer situation. I think by now you can see how Kacey tends to get worked up about things, with cause of course, but it was because her mother worried that she was letting things get out of hand that she asked for help. That's what we're trying to do here.”

“Of course. Perhaps we should meet her?”

“That's one of the things I want to discuss with her.”

“Ah, okay. So, um, with this, I mean what happens? If Kacey's in favour and we are, what do we do about actually putting things in process?”

“Hmm, well it's really a bit soon for that.”

“But she's going to have the baby kindof imminently.”

“Yes and that's actually another factor. Kacey has a huge amount to deal with right now and it really isn't a time to be pushing paperwork under her nose. I want to concentrate on reconciling her with her mother and then she should be in a better position to be making decisions with her advice.”

“Oh I see.”

“I'm sorry. It's not that you aren't the priority, except...”

“Except we're not the priority.” Mark puffed a breath. “It's okay. Of course we're not.”

“We understand Rachel,” assured Seb. “She must be so scared. Of course Kacey needs her mum and to know she's going to be okay.”

Rachel nodded.

“Thank you. I'm not saying you are discounted. I think the best thing might be to wait until the baby is born and go from there. This needs to be as calm and considered a process as possible so everybody understands where they stand. If she wasn't so far along, or if she was older then perhaps we might be looking at a provisional prenatal adoption agreement, but we can't rush this.”

Mark had slipped his arm around Seb as they stood together in the corridor. It was all reasonable, but it wasn't easy to deal with all the uncertainty.

“That's fair enough,” he offered. “Okay so what's the deal, we wait until the baby is born?”

“Yes, then see how she is, how the baby is. Hopefully all fine, obviously, but then I will talk to Kacey again and hopefully her mother and then if they still want to go ahead with the adoption we have some more meetings, allow Kacey some breathing space and if all is well then you would get to meet and spend some time with the baby. Only then if everybody is happy would we look at moving things forward.”

“So that's with the foster-to-adopt thing?” checked Sebastian.

“Yes, I can't give you a time-line until we're there. I'm sorry. I know it would be better from your point of view.”

Seb shook his head.

“It's okay. Of course she's got to be sure.”

“Well you all need to be sure,” noted Rachel. “It's huge decision all round.”

“Right.”

“Easy for me to say, but try not to get ahead of yourself just yet,” she advised.

“Okay.”

“I'll keep on top of things and I'll be in touch to arrange our next meeting. Hopefully early next week depending on how Kacey is.”

“Sure. We can just fit in.”

Rachel smiled at them.

“Thank you. You really are being very understanding and you're great with her.”

Seb shrugged.

“We just want her to be okay too.”

“I know.”

“I almost feel bad that we might take her baby away from her.”

“Seb,” sighed Mark.

Sebastian looked to him.

“I do.”

“Sweetheart we're not taking the baby from her. She'd be giving her to us. That's different.”

Rachel nodded.

“Precisely. It is Kacey's choice. A hard choice, but potentially not a bad one. If she decides that the best thing for her baby and for herself is that the baby should be with you then it will be the best thing for all of you. Whatever she decides we will continue to work with her and to help her.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath.

“Okay. Thanks.

“We'll just have to see how we go,” explained Rachel.

“Sure, we understand. So you'll be in touch?”

“I have you on speed-dial.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Thanks.”

 

They walked back out in the reception area and said their goodbyes as Rachel waited to get a word with the staff before she too headed on her way. As they made their way back to the car Mark gave Seb's hand a squeeze.

“Alright?”

“Yeah. That went well I think didn't it?”

“Sure. Kacey talks almost as much as you.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“Psh. You talked too.”

Mark smiled.

“Course. Yeah it went pretty good. Think we cheered her up a bit.”

“Mm. I don't want to think of her being lonely.”

“Darling she'll be alright. Her mum's going to see her.”

“Yeah.” Seb paused and puffed out a long breath. “Do you think she's going to change her mind?”

Mark shrugged.

“I don't know. I think if you asked her now she'd say she won't. Kacey's a girl that knows her own mind in my opinion, even if other people don't agree.”

“Mm. I guess Rachel's right, we'll have to wait until the baby's born and she can really understand her decision.”

“Yeah. No counting chickens.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“While we wait for the egg to hatch?”

“Ha, yeah guess so. Probably best not to use that analogy round Kacey.”

“No. Poor thing. I think she's much more frightened than she lets on.”

“Yeah.” Mark sighed. “Nothing we can do except what we are darling.”

“I know.”

“Wait and see.”

“Yeah.”

“We still haven't sorted out about our Christmas decs,” noted Mark.

“Mm. I just, I don't know Liebling, we've had meetings and stuff.”

 

Mark nodded. Their minds had been elsewhere, but maybe they could do with refocussing while they waited?

“What about next week?” he proposed. “When Rachel rings and we know what's next.”

“Yeah okay. Tuesday maybe?”

“Sure. There we go, bit of a plan at least.”

“Maybe we could just go look for some decorations tomorrow?” suggested Seb. “I know it'll be mad busy, but just to have them in and then we'd be ready to go when we get the tree?”

“Sure. We can get the tree too if you like? We don't need to wait.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No I'd rather wait until we knew what we're doing a bit more. Then we can concentrate and do it properly.”

“Righto, whatever you prefer.”

“Unless you want to Liebling?”

“No it's fine. Make a start and go all out when we know where we are.”

Sebastian nodded. He wasn't entirely sure that they would really know where they were and what was going to happen after the weekend, but a plan was something to hang onto, so they'd just have to hang onto that for now.

  
  


 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters all sort of run into one another. Next bit should be up soon.


	188. Blooming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, well I did promise an update soon and some things do arrive sooner than expected.

* * *

 

  


Late on Sunday morning Mark and Sebastian were in the garage just getting the bikes out to go for a ride now the day had warmed up from the early frost when Mark's phone rang. He pulled it out from his pocket at the same time as trying to prop his bike back up to the side.

“Hello?” he answered, not recognising the number.

“Hi Mark it's Rachel.”

“Rachel? You're working on a Sunday? Have things got that bad?” smiled Mark thinking she already worked too hard.

“Um, well not normally, but um, can you talk? Are you home?”

“We're just in the garage, can you hang on a sec?”

“Of course.”

Sebastian was already waving at him to ask what was going on so Mark put the phone on mute.

“It's Rachel,” he explained.

“Yes I gathered that. What's she saying?”

“Not much yet. Let's go back inside.”

  


They hurried back into the house, sitting down in the lounge with the phone now on speaker.

“Sorry Rachel, we're here now.”

“I'm here too,” added Seb.

“Right, hi Seb.”

Rachel puffed a breath.

“Is everything alright?” Seb asked.

“Yes, except, hm, okay well turns out Kacey was right.”

“What d'you mean?”

“It is a good job we got a move on with things. She's had the baby.”

Sebastian's hand shot to his mouth and Mark's eyebrows went up.

“Oh my god,” gasped Mark.

“Yes, quite,” agreed Rachel. “I mean I suppose a week early isn't so unusual, but it took us a bit by surprise. Lucky she was already in hospital really.”

“Is she okay?”

“Yes she's alright. A bit in shock I think, but okay. As okay as you really can be when you're a fifteen year old who's been in labour all through the night.”

“Christ,” sighed Mark under his breath.

“She's alright though?” pressed Seb.

“She's doing okay,” Rachel assured. “Just resting.”

Mark puffed out air thinking she surely would need a rest after that.

“And the baby's okay?” Seb checked.

“Absolutely fine. A healthy seven pounds two, screaming her lungs out when I saw her, so she's as lively as her mother it seems.”

Sebastian looked to Mark and shook his head.

“My god.”

“They're both doing well,” reassured Rachel. “The baby arrived at about seven this morning.”

“Was Kacey's mum with her?”

“She was.”

“Oh good.”

“By all accounts Kacey did really well. The doctors are very pleased with her.”

Mark smiled, thinking he guessed that Kacey had probably given them an earful through the labour. He wouldn't blame her in the slightest. His sister had told him enough that he didn't envy anyone going through that.

 

“She's been asleep for a while, but I just went in for a little chat with her and her mum and they wondered if you wanted to go in?”

“You're kidding?” let out Seb.

Rachel smiled at how excited he sounded.

“Well not for long. Just to say hello. It was Kacey's idea. She thought you might like to meet the baby.”

Sebastian grabbed a hold of Mark's hand. Mark gave it a rub, trying to keep things calm.

“Yes we'd like that very much,” he agreed.

“I thought you would. Just a brief visit. Kacey needs to rest.”

“No of course. We'll just say hello.”

“Great. Her mother wants to meet you. Actually I was going to call you about that tomorrow, but things have rather caught up with us.”

“Well that's how things go isn't it?”

“True enough,” concurred Rachel. “Right, okay I thought early this afternoon? Just for a brief visit. Say two o'clock?”

“That's fine,” agreed Mark.

“I'll meet you same as last time.”

“Okay, well see you later then.”

“Great. Bye.”

“Bye.”

“Bye,” added Seb.

 

As Mark hung up Seb closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He reopened them to see Mark looking at him.

“Alright?”

“Oh my god Liebling.”

“I know.” Mark copied Seb's deep inhale. “Alright sweetheart well it's just hello. I don't suppose the poor kid's in any shape to be having big discussions about things.

“No. Oh god though, a baby.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“It's not entirely a surprise is it?”

“I suppose not. God, she kept saying she thought it might be soon and everyone just dismissed her.”

“Hmm,” agreed Mark. “I've a feeling that's the story of her life. Alright well let's just go give her some more flowers and make nice, then leave them to it.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. Yes definitely more flowers. Gosh what do you think her mum is like?”

“Dunno. Guess we'll find out. I imagine she's reeling right now seeing as her little girl just had a little girl.”

Sebastian shook his head. So young. Kacey's life didn't get any easier.

  


  


  


At five minutes to two Sebastian and Mark lurked in the waiting area at the entry to the maternity ward, not wanting to ask at the desk until it was exactly two pm so they weren't out of step with what had been asked of them. After putting down the phone they had spent the last two and a half hours not knowing what to do with themselves. The bike ride they had been planning seemed straying too far, so they had fussed over a lunch neither had been hungry for, then shaved and changed so as to make a good impression on Kacey's mother. Sebastian held an even bigger bunch of flowers in one hand, his other firmly hanging onto Mark as they anxiously waited, watching the minutes tick down on the clock behind then desk.

  


When they finally went over to ask for Rachel and the nurse went to fetch her, Sebastian turned to Mark.

“Oh god I'm really nervous Liebling.”

Mark squeezed his hand.

“It's fine. We're only stopping by to say hello.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took in a calming breath. It was just a brief hello, a chance to meet Kacey's mother. They couldn't afford to focus on the fact they were also about to meet the baby they might be adopting. They mustn't get ahead of themselves.

Rachel came through to meet them.

“Hey. Oh more flowers. How kind. I'm sure she'll appreciate them.”

“Is she awake?”

“Kacey? Yes she's waiting to see you.”

“Okay.”

Rachel paused.

“Um, it might seem a bit strange in the circumstances, but it'd be best if you don't bring up the subject of adoption right now. Kacey's obviously in a very vulnerable state. I wouldn't have suggested you coming so soon, but it's her call and she was pretty insistent.”

Mark smiled.

“Still the same as ever then?”

“Indeed. Right, well we'll go through.”

  


A moment later they were stood outside the same door they had come to a couple of days ago. Seb squeezed Mark's hand as Rachel opened the door and announced them. They walked in to see Kacey propped up in bed. She was holding the baby and Sebastian stopped dead as he saw them. It somehow came as a shock, even though it was precisely what they had come here to see.

As they walked over to the bed they gave Kacey's mother sat on the other side of the bed a nod and said hello, Rachel introducing her as Kara. She looked much like Kacey, though Mark hoped it wasn't uncharitable to think that her careworn face looked rather older than thirty-two. Then again seeing as she had been up all night with her daughter through the labour he didn't supposed she was likely to be looking all that fresh. There were two chairs set out waiting for them on the other side of the bed just as before so they sat down and both smiled to Kacey.

“Hey,” greeted Seb. “Wow.”

“Hi,” Mark added. “You're looking really well, both of you.”

“Thanks.”

Kacey looked down at the baby in her arms. She seemed so tiny, though it hadn't seemed that way last night. She was wrapped in a blanket with a little fleece hat on and Kacey was concentrating really hard on holding her properly like the nurses had shown her. Sebastian cautiously peered in a little at the baby.

“She's beautiful,” he praised.

“Yeah.”

“How're you doing?”

Kacey looked back and puffed a breath.

“Okay I guess. I kindof feel better for a sleep.”

“I'll bet.”

“Are the flowers for me?”

“Oh.” Sebastian smiled. “Sorry, yes of course they are.”

“Um.”

Kacey looked to Rachel who realised that naturally Kacey couldn't take them right now, so she took them on her behalf.

“I'll just pop them here. We'll sort another vase later.”

 

Mark noted that the previous flowers were still on display. They seemed to be holding up okay.

“Thanks. They're really nice,” offered Kacey.

“No problem. Thought we should,” replied Mark.

“Do you want to have a hold of her?”

“Oh, um.”

Sebastian gave a tiny shake of his head. He didn't want to feel as though they were walking in and snatching her baby away.

“It's okay. You don't need to,” he assured.

“Don't you want to?” pressed Kacey.

“Um.”

Seb looked to Rachel who gave a tiny shrug.

“Only if you want to Kacey,” she advised. “They've just come to say hello.”

“No it's okay. They should have a go shouldn't they?”

“Are you sure?” checked Seb.

Kacey shrugged a little.

“My arms are getting kindof tired anyway. It's okay. You know how to do it?”

 

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Yeah.”

His voice came out very quiet and he felt incredibly nervous, but he didn't want to show it, so he smiled at Kacey as Rachel stepped in to take the baby from her. Sebastian glanced at Mark who gave him a little nod as Seb crooked his arms ready to receive the baby.

“You'll support her head and neck,” reminded Rachel.

“Yep.”

She passed over the baby and Sebastian thought he had never been more careful with anything in his life. He gazed down at the little face, the still puffy eyes closed in sleep, tiny nose, tiny mouth. Just a few hours old. A brand new life. It felt incredible to hold her in his arms.

“She's really beautiful,” he repeated.

“Yeah she is kindof cute,” agreed Kacey. “She looked gross all covered in gak when I first saw her but when they cleaned her up she's quite pretty.”

Sebastian looked up and out of the corner of his eye he caught Mark smiling and knew he still found the blunt way Kacey talked amusing. Mark leaned in a little to look at the baby and wondered if she looked like her mother. Perhaps it was too early to tell? If they adopted her would they many years from now be parents to a girl who looked like Kacey? Hopefully with a slightly less unsettlingly direct manner about her and not in the same situation, but then if she was their daughter she would have an easier life and live in a far more privileged, sheltered world.

“She's lovely,” he agreed.

“You can have a hold too,” offered Kacey.

“Thanks. There's no rush.”

Kacey shook out her arms a little to freshen the muscles.

“She feels heavier after a while.”

“I'm sure,” agreed Mark.

“You must be tired,” Seb offered as he lifted his head from looking at the baby again.

“God yeah. Knackered.” Kacey huffed a breath. “It hurt so fu...” she stopped as she caught her mother's eye and looked at the baby, remembering the vow she had made to not swear in front of her child. “A lot,” she amended.

“I can't imagine,” sympathised Sebastian.

Kacey looked at him.

“Neither did I until it happened. I mean I thought I knew, but I didn't really know at all. I mean, pff, god, if they told girls in school how much it really hurts and how it just goes on and on until you think you're going to die.” She shook her head. “They'd never go near a boy again.”

“Maybe they should?” suggested Mark.

“Hmm.”

The both looked over to see that it was Kacey's mother who had made the noise. It didn't take a lot to imagine what she thought of that. She didn't say anything else however. Mark and Seb knew she was watching them, presumably judging how they were with Kacey and how well they looked after the baby.

 

“You're doing okay though?” Mark checked.

“Yeah I am now,” replied Kacey.

“Good.”

“They've not said how long I have to stay here for,” Kacey noted.

“I wouldn't worry about that now,” advised Rachel, stood in the background.

“I guess. I suppose I was going to be in here anyway. You know I told them on Saturday that I felt weird and they just said to rest and I kept telling them I was feeling worse and they wouldn't listen until the doctor came and checked me on Saturday night and he said I was in labour,” recounted Kacey looking to Seb and Mark.

“They should have listened to you,” offered Seb.

“Yeah.”

Kacey sighed. No one ever listened to her. Except Rachel, she was nice and Seb and Mark, they were nice too.

“You'll take care of her won't you?” she appealed.

Sebastian felt horrible at how anxious she sounded.

“Of course. Kacey, we... You don't need to worry about anything. Do you want her back?”

Kacey shook her head.

“Mark hasn't had a hold.”

“That's alright,” Mark assured her.

“No you should. She's going to be yours anyway isn't she?”

“Kacey you don't need to think about that right now,” intervened Rachel.

Kacey looked up at her. How was she supposed to _not_ think about it? She shook her head.

“It's okay. You can have a hold Mark.”

Mark nodded.

“If you're sure. Thank you.”

 

Sebastian went to pass the baby to him. It was a little awkward when they were being so careful and with the pressure of everyone watching as well as the nerves they felt at not wanting to hurt the baby who was so delicate, but they managed it and now Mark held her in his arms and he in turn gazed down at her.

“Hey,” he smiled down at the baby girl.

Sebastian smiled too. It was so hard not to get ahead of themselves, but then he looked to Kacey and wondered how on earth she was coping with all this.

“We won't stay long,” he offered.

“It's okay. I asked Rachel to call you.”

“Thank you. That was very thoughtful of you.”

“I thought you'd want to see her.”

“Yeah. And you. We really glad to see you're doing okay.”

“Mm. I can't really believe it, you know. She's really here. I mean a baby. I know that sounds stupid. I knew I was having a baby.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Not stupid. It's different when it's real. I mean I'd presume so. It must be a shock the baby coming early.”

“Yeah kindof. I did keep telling people I thought it might be soon.”

“You did. Well you were right.”

Kacey gave him a little smile.

“Yeah I was.”

Sebastian smiled back, then looked to the baby.

“You've done something amazing.”

He lifted his eyes to Mark who just gave Seb a little flick of his eyebrows.

 

“I want to call her Rosie,” announced Kacey.

They both turned to look at her.

“That's okay isn't it?” she checked. “I mean I don't know how it works. Are you supposed to name her if she's going to be yours?”

“Kacey sweetheart, nothing is set in stone,” reminded Rachel.

Sebastian put his hand over Kacey's where it rested over the covers and looked her in the eye.

“She's your daughter. I think Rosie's a lovely name.”

“Do you? I don't know why I thought of it but I like it. Like Rose, but not so old-fashioned. I thought you could give her a middle name.”

Sebastian smiled and just gave her a little nod.

Mark looked over.

“Do you want her back? Or is there a crib if you're tired?”

“Um, no I guess I can take her back now.”

Mark carefully stood and passed her back to Kacey.

“Congratulations. I don't think we said that.”

“Oh yes, of course,” jumped in Seb. “Congratulations Kacey.”

“And Rosie's a great name,” assured Mark.

“I thought so. Thanks. I think it suits her.”

 

Mark nodded and was about to sit down when he glanced to Rachel, then back to Kacey.

“Perhaps we should give you some space? I'm sure you're tired.”

“Are you going already?” frowned Kacey.

“Don't you want to rest?” asked Sebastian.

“It might be best,” agreed Rachel.

“We don't want to crowd you,” stated Mark.

“And we can come back tomorrow if you like?” Seb offered.

“Um, yeah. Yeah I'd like that,” agreed Kacey.

“Great. I mean if that's alright Rachel?”

Seb looked to Rachel who nodded.

“Kacey's in charge. Tomorrow afternoon maybe?”

Kacey nodded.

“Right, well we'll clear out for now,” concurred Mark. “Let you rest and we'll come back same time tomorrow.”

“Okay,” agreed Kacey.

Sebastian thought her voice was a little quiet and he wasn't sure if it was at being left or at them returning so soon.

“Only if you want us to?” he checked. “We can leave it a few days if you want?”

Kacey shook her head.

“No tomorrow's good.”

“Okay then, well it's been lovely to see you. She really is beautiful.”

“And good as gold,” concurred Mark.

Kacey gave them a wry smile.

“She was screaming earlier, but I guess she wore herself out.”

“Mm, well we don't want to wear you out, so we'll get on. Thanks for inviting us.”

“Yes, very kind of you,” agreed Seb.

“That's okay.”

 

Sebastian stood alongside Mark now, both taking one last look at the sleeping baby. Mark noticed the magazines he had bought piled up on the nearside cabinet.

“Do you need us to bring you anything? Any more magazines? I don't know if you've time to be reading them.”

“Oh um, I didn't really get to finish the ones you got.”

“Ah, okay then, well, till tomorrow then. Thanks for seeing us. Hope she carries on sleeping so you can too.”

“Take care,” offered Seb.

He looked at the girl holding her baby and felt a terrible conflict. It seemed so wrong to want take her little girl from her, but at the same time he wished they were taking the baby home with them. Seb wished he could ask Kacey how she was really feeling, but it wasn't fair to do that to her. All they could do was be grateful she was letting them in and see what happened.

  


“Kara, did you want to speak with them?” offered Rachel.

Mark and Seb belatedly looked back to Kacey's mother whom they had almost forgotten was there.

“Oh, um, yes.”

The woman looked about them and Rachel realised that perhaps in front of Kacey wasn't the best place.

“There's a little room at the far end of this corridor. It was empty before, if it still is I think you'd be okay in there for a few minutes.”

Kara stood and looked to Rachel.

“You'll stay here with Kacey?”

“Of course.”

  


As Mark and Seb walked to the door Rachel went to take Sebastian's seat and they left the room, Seb holding the door for Kacey's mother. They walked down the corridor and cautiously opened the door at the end to find a little room for sitting in, presumably for waiting families, but it was currently deserted.

“Think we're alright in here,” observed Mark.

“We can always move if anyone comes,” Seb added.

They went in and sat on the padded seating, an awkward pause settling before any of them spoke.

“Sorry, I feel like we didn't say a proper hello in there,” apologised Mark.

“Oh, no that's okay,” allowed the woman.

“We were kind of distracted,” Seb admitted.

“Mm.” She huffed out a breath. “Sorry I'm half-asleep to be honest.”

“Of course you must be. Do you want us to get you a coffee? We should have offered before.”

She shook her head.

“I'm up to the eyeballs in coffee to be honest. Don't think I'll sleep for a week. Not that I've been sleeping much anyway.”

Sebastian gave her a sympathetic smile.

“I'm sure you've been very worried.”

“Yeah.”

She distractedly ran a hand through dark blonde hair that was remarkably like her daughter's but for the added strands of grey that belied her relatively young age. Seb and Mark tried not to stare, but it was difficult not to think she must have had a hard life on her own with Kacey. The woman in turn looked back at them, wondering what they ought to talk about.

“It wasn't my idea you know, that she went into care,” she defended. “I don't know what you must think of me, but everything just got out of hand and I was at the end of my tether. I asked for help and when they suggested we have a break apart for a while I didn't know what to do except agree.”

She sighed and shook her head.

“It's been awful. I've spent the whole time worried sick about her, but we got to the stage where we could barely be in the same room and I was so scared what Kacey getting so upset was doing to her when she was pregnant.”

“We understand,” offered Seb. “I mean obviously we can't know what it's like, but we're not judging you.”

Kara coughed a dry laugh.

“I feel like everyone has been.”

“I'm sure.”

She looked at him.

“Sorry. Thank you. Kacey says you've been very kind to her. She likes you.” She huffed another laugh. “And believe me, my daughter isn't shy about telling you if she doesn't.”

“We like her too. She's a very sparky girl.”

She sighed and gave a little shake of her head.

“That's a nice way to put it. She says you're nice. Honestly I swear it's all she's talked about recently.”

“I'm sure this is all happening very fast,” offered Mark.

“I'll say,” she agreed. “I was only in on Saturday afternoon and then they called me back to say she was in labour. God. I still can't believe this is happening. I keep thinking I'll wake up and it's all a bad dream.”

Seb and Mark merely offered sympathetic nods as she continued.

“I tried to warn her, tried to guide her. I tried to tell her to be careful, but I guess you'll have seen by now, Kacey's doesn't much like being told anything. I can't believe this could happen. She's just a child. I was young, but... at least I was with her father. That boy. It makes me feel sick to think about it.”

Kara looked at them, the set of her jaw when she was angry eerily familiar to that Kacey displayed. It wasn't perhaps hard to see how the similarity caused a clash between them.

 

“She just wouldn't listen. She's so stubborn, but... Kacey's not a bad girl, not really, she's not unkind or nasty. She got in some trouble at school, but nothing really terrible. It's all been so hard since she became a teenager. I know I didn't manage very well. I should have been there for her more, but it's just me on my own you see. I work all the hours god sends just to get by and it's never enough. She always wanted more, Sky TV, a phone, new clothes. I try, but I just...”

She took a sharp breath.

“I'm sorry, you don't want to hear me moaning.”

“No no,” dismissed Mark. “It's fine. We can't imagine.”

 

She looked at them, thinking they really couldn't. Just like all those well-meaning social workers. None of them really understood.

“It's not really Kacey's fault. She's just like any other kid, she wants what her friends have and what she sees on TV and she doesn't understand why she can't have the same. I feel like such a failure all the time.”

“Oh hey, no,” disagreed Seb. “Really, Kacey's a lovely girl. You've done a great job with her.”

Kara laughed bitterly.

“Oh god. Great job? She's fifteen and she just had a baby.”

Sebastian glanced to Mark wondering what to say.

“Well, things happen.”

“Yeah.” She puffed a breath. “Sorry, I mean she is a good girl really. I know she's not perfect, she's got a temper and she can fly off the handle.”

“She's a teenager,” offered Mark.

“Mm. You know, when she was a little girl she was so lovely, so full of life. Kacey was about the only thing that kept me going. When her father walked out I really struggled, but Kacey was like this little ray of sunshine, always so happy and chatty. It took so little to make her smile.”

Kara looked at them, tears suddenly in her eyes. She wiped at her face.

“Sorry.”

“Oh no it's okay,” assured Seb. “It's so much to deal with.”

She nodded, then carried on.

“When she was tiny I used to stand in the doorway watching her on her trike rumbling up and down the balcony past all the other flats. Up and down, up and down. She never seemed to get tired.” She sighed. “She was fine in primary school. Things only started going downhill when she went to high school. All the kids she hung out with and I wasn't around enough.”

“I'm sure you tried all you could,” agreed Sebastian.

“Yeah. I did, but... I had such high hopes for her. I wanted Kacey to go to college, have a better future. Do the things I never had the chance to. She's never really been academic I suppose, but I still hoped she might find something.” Kara looked at them. “She said you talked to her about that.”

Seb and Mark nodded.

“She told us she was interested in something to do with flowers, growing them or arranging them,” Mark explained.

“Did she? Really?”

“Yeah. Sounds like she could find a niche there.”

Kara puffed a breath.

“You brought her lovely flowers. That was kind.”

“It's just a little something.”

“Mm.”

 

She fell silent and Mark and Sebastian looked to another before Mark thought he ought to take a lead.

“Did you want to ask us anything?”

She looked at them.

“You know I know who you are,” she confessed. “When Rachel told me I thought it must be a wind-up, but, well guess they're hardly likely to joke about that.”

“No.”

“Sorry. That must sound rude. I'm all over the place today. I'm sorry.”

“You don't need to be sorry. Really. I can't imagine how you're coping.”

“Me neither.”

“Perhaps we should just let you get back to Kacey?”Mark offered.

“Oh no, it's alright. Really I don't mean anything by it. Kacey's said a lot of nice things about you.”

“That's kind of her. We've had a few nice chats.”

“Mm.” Kara looked to them. “You're nothing like I would have expected.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“What were you expecting?”

“I really have no idea. I guess I shouldn't look at the papers. I know they're usually full of rubbish.”

“Mm.”

She frowned.

“You were hurt weren't you?” she asked, looking to Seb. “In a big crash not so long ago? I remember seeing it all over the news, not that you'd get Kacey watching that.”

Sebastian nodded and she noticed the way Mark had his hand over Seb's.

“Sorry, I hope that's not insensitive?” she apologised. “You seem well now.”

“Yeah I'm okay.”

“Good. I'm glad to hear it. I really shouldn't put much store in headlines I suppose.”

“A lot of it tends to be gossip and speculation,” advised Mark. “We try to avoid it if possible.”

“Hmm. Kacey has had terrible trouble at school with gossip and such nasty things said about her. I suppose it's unavoidable but I didn't realise how bad it was, all this stuff online saying the most disgusting things. I had no idea until her social worker showed me some of it.”

“She told us,” commented Seb. “It's awful, we're so sorry.”

“Yeah. Kacey told me you said you had an idea what that's like. I suppose you must when papers say all that stuff about you.”

“Mm.”

Kara took in a deep breath.

“Rachel warned me about confidentiality and stuff in all this.” She shook her head. “As if I'm going to call up 'The Sun' to sell the story? The last thing I want is more people saying things about us.”

“I'm sure.”

“I really wouldn't do that anyway. We might be hard-up but that doesn't mean we don't have morals even if some seem to take pleasure in saying otherwise.”

“We'd never think you would,” assured Mark.

“No, I didn't mean you.” Kara sighed. “I just want to do what I can now to get Kacey away from all that. The school were no help. When social services got involved I agreed to taking her out. I thought getting her away from all those bad influences was for the best, but now.... I don't know what she's going to do. I don't want her throwing her life away like I did.”

She looked at them and shook her head.

“I don't mean having Kacey. I mean her father. Dropping out of school and thinking nothing else mattered. God I look back and I was so gullible. Sold a stupid romantic dream and I wouldn't listen to a word of warning. Ha, sounds familiar doesn't it? Bloody hell. I thought I was doing everything I could to give Kacey a future and then bam, it happens all over again. I wouldn't pay any attention to my parents and off I went, burnt my bridges thinking it'd be all happy families and roses over the door. Then a couple of years later I'm stuck in a god-awful council flat on my own with a kid and all my parents say is they told me so.”

Kara took a deep breath. Her manner of spilling out her story and how she felt so openly was strikingly like Kacey, though Mark got the impression that her background was not quite the same.

“They didn't help you?” he asked. “Your parents I mean?”

Kara shrugged.

“I said some pretty unpleasant stuff to them when I left. They disapproved of my relationship with Kacey's father and of course I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to go back and show them they were right either, so I suppose it's my own fault really.”

“It must have been very difficult.”

“I just don't want Kacey getting stuck with the same. She should have a future, a chance to make something of her life and not have it ruined by one mistake.”

“Of course.”

 

Sebastian glanced to Mark, then risked asking what he wanted to.

“Is it inappropriate to ask what you think about her considering adoption?”

Kara shrugged.

“I don't suppose there's much point ignoring it. I don't know. I mean, she's fifteen. I'm not going to tell her to give the baby up but... She's so young. She should be in school, thinking about homework, boy-bands, parties and silly little things like that. Not two am feeds and nappy changing. If she keeps her then Kacey can say goodbye to being a kid for good.”

Mark puffed a breath thinking Kacey had sadly already said goodbye to that in his opinion, but her mother was clearly holding onto some hope that she might be able to regain it.

“You want her to go back to school?” asked Seb.

“Ah I don't know. Not that school. Rachel said they might be able to arrange something else, but I do want her to have an education. She's meant to be doing her GCSE's this year. I know they were never going to be stellar, but at least the basics, find something from there, college or I don't know, an apprenticeship or something. Not stuck at home with a baby and no prospects.”

“Of course.”

“So I can't help thinking maybe it's best? She's really being so sensible about it. I was kindof surprised, but maybe that's unfair, I don't know.”

“She's had to grow up,” noted Mark.

“Far too fast,” complained Kara.

“Mm.”

 

She took a deep breath and looked at them.

“So you want to adopt her, Rosie?”

“Well... we're not here to add any pressure.”

“Only if it's what she decides,” added Seb.

Kara nodded.

“Okay. Rachel says we need to take some time to think about it. You might have noticed Kacey doesn't tend to go with that theory. She's all or nothing. Always has been I suppose.”

“We're not trying to rush you.”

“Thanks.”

“We only came because Rachel said Kacey wanted us to.”

“No that's okay. She did. I wanted to meet you too.”

“We don't have to come back tomorrow if you think it'd be better to leave it a while,” offered Mark.

Kara shook her head.

“No she'd be gutted if you don't come. She needs things to keep her head up I think. The flowers you brought were sweet. She didn't stop going on about them when I saw her on Thursday night after you'd been.”

“We'll have to bring her more tomorrow then.”

“Oh you don't have to. I just meant it was nice.”

“It's no trouble.”

 

She nodded.

“I suppose you have money. I hope that's not rude to say so?”

Mark shrugged.

“That's alright. We know we're fortunate.”

“You'd be able to give her a good future. Rosie that is.”

“We'd want to, if she came to us.”

“Mm.”

“It's not really about money,” commented Seb.

Kara huffed a little dry breath.

“Believe me it is when you don't have it.”

“I'm sure.”

“It's not your fault. I know. Just... No it's good. Kacey's very keen on you. She says you live out in the country.”

“Yes we do.”

“Big garden, dogs, nice house.”

Sebastian gave a little shrug and nodded.

“She's told me all about it,” explained Kara.

“It's not all that flash,” tried Mark. “We don't live in a mansion or anything.”

“No but it's nice, right?”

“We think so.”

“Yeah.” She sighed. “Nice place to bring a kid up.”

Mark simply gave a little nod. It was hard to tell the truth without feeling as though they were only emphasising all that she lacked.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Kara enquired.

“Of course.”

“You can ask us anything,” added Seb.

“Thanks. I mean Rachel says you've been through all the checks, all the parent classes and that.”

“Yes we have.”

“How long have you been trying to adopt?”

“Um.” Seb looked to Mark. “I forget. When did we start Liebling?”

“Feels like forever. Erm, sometime in the spring.”

“They make you jump through a lot of hoops?” presumed Kara.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yep.”

“Hmm. That's good I suppose. Maybe everyone should have that if they're going to have kids?” she noted.

“Not such a bad idea,” Mark agreed.

“I certainly wasn't ready when I had Kacey, and I was older than her. Not much older, but still...”

She glanced over to the door towards where Kacey's room lay beyond, then looked back to them.

“She's nowhere near ready. Kacey hasn't really got a clue what it takes.”

She sighed again, then frowned a little.

“Can I ask why you want to adopt?”

Seb and Mark turned to one another thinking they had been asked this question so many times. Mark shrugged.

“Well as Kacey rather helpfully pointed out, we can't have a kid on our own.”

He smiled and Kara smiled back.

“Guess not,” she agreed.

“We just want a family,” explained Seb. “Just like anyone else. I know we must seem different, but we're not really.”

“Yeah okay. I suppose most people don't have to justify it,” she consented.

“True,” nodded Mark. “Look, we're not here to pressure either you or Kacey. We can't imagine how hard this is for you, but we do want to adopt and we think we could offer a good home to a child. All we ask is that if you and Kacey decide you want to go that way that you consider us.”

“Okay.”

“We're really not here to rush you or Kacey into anything,” emphasised Sebastian.

“No, alright well...” Kara paused, then nodded decisively. “Kacey thinks she knows what she wants and she doesn't take well to be told to wait, but I think maybe if you just keep coming in this week while she's here, spend some time with her and the baby.”

“As long as you're happy with that.”

Kara nodded.

“I've still got to try to persuade work to give me time off.”

“You're kidding?” frowned Mark.

“Mm. I've already missed so much with what's been going on. Not everybody is as sympathetic. In a way I was lucky this happened at the weekend, but tomorrow I've got to go into work in the morning.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I dunno. I'm going to speak to my boss, but I don't know that I'll be able to be here the whole time so maybe it'd be good if you can come in a bit? Rachel said you were free at the moment.”

“Yes we can do that,” agreed Mark. “Whenever we're wanted.”

“And if we're not. If you need space, or Kacey needs rest or whatever then it's fine too,” offered Seb.

“Thank you. Alright well thank you for talking to me, or, well I guess listening.”

“No problem. We appreciate your time.”

“Absolutely,” concurred Mark. “But you probably want to get back to them.”

Kara nodded and got up.

“Yeah I should get back. Let Rachel go home. She seems to be on call twenty-four seven.”

“That's certainly true.”

Kara offered out her hand and Mark and Seb shook it in turn, letting her go and pausing before leaving the little room to have a moment alone.

 

Sebastian looked to Mark as he puffed out the longest breath.

“What do you think Liebling?”

Mark gave a shake of his head.

“Sounds like she's had a hard time too. I suspect she's had much more to deal with with Kacey than we've seen.”

“Yeah spose so. Do you think she's in favour of the adoption?”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno. I don't think she opposes it. I think she'd like her little girl back, but I suspect that's rather off the table.”

“I wish we could help.”

Mark went to open his mouth and Seb shook his head.

“I know you'll say we are if we take the baby. I don't mean that. I mean with them. I wish we could give them some money so they didn't have to struggle so much.”

“Ah sweetheart, you know we're not allowed. Rachel would have a fit if we suggested it.”

“I know. I know there's rules.”

“It'd count as coercion. She thought twice about letting us give the kid a couple of magazines for godsake.”

“I know Liebling. I understand why there's rules and I'd hate to think we were bribing them. I just wish we could make it so things aren't so hard for them. Even if Kacey keeps the baby, I'd still want that.”

 

Mark stepped in and gave Sebastian a hug.

“Yeah. Me too darling, but we can't. Those rules are there to protect them and to protect us too. I know they're not like that, but some unscrupulous person could spin us a sob story and bleed us dry to get us to give them their baby.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Do you think anyone could do that?”

“I'm sorry sweetheart but yes I do. Not Kacey, I'm not beginning to suggest that, but someone could. And not just in our case, in anyone's case who wants to adopt. That's why they have the system they do. We have to stick within it.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark rubbed his arm.

“We'll just have to make do with giving her flowers. That seems to slip under Rachel's radar.”

Seb nodded.

“We can give her that at least, and someone to talk to. I think it's terrible her mum's work aren't being more understanding.”

“Hmm, well, nothing we can do about that. We'll just do our part, yeah?”

“Yeah. Do you think we should stop in to say goodbye?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“We should leave them in peace. We'll be back tomorrow as arranged.”

“Yeah okay.”

  


  


  


The following day they returned and stayed a little longer, talking with Kacey and appreciating the chance to hold the baby while Kacey in turn seemed to appreciate them being there. Rachel remained a constant presence, sat largely quietly in the background, keeping an eye on things and answering any questions Kacey brought up, though they still avoided any serious discussions about the possible adoption. To Seb and Mark it seemed almost as if they were keeping up a pretence of being concerned family friends, though they noticed that no actual friends or any other family seemed to have visited or been in touch. It seemed Kacey had been abandoned by them and left only with her mother and the state to care for her.

  


 

 

On the Tuesday morning it was much the same, though when they arrived their social worker Laura was there already, talking with Rachel in the entrance area. As she saw Mark and Seb appear she smiled at them.

“Hello. I'm glad to catch you. I'm sorry I've been so busy lately, but Rachel says you've been getting on fine.”

“That's okay,” assured Seb. “Have you been to see Kacey?”

“Yes we had a little chat. She seems very keen on you.”

“Oh you think so?”

“Guess that's good,” noted Mark.

Laura smiled.

“Indeed, though still early days. Anyway I'm afraid I should get on. Rachel's looking after you?”

“Of course she is.”

“Good.”

Sebastian wondered what it was Laura had been so busy with, whether it might have been the previous case that had been brought to them. Probably not the place to ask. It had to be okay seeing as Rachel hadn't mentioned it since.

“Anyway I'm afraid I have to get going. It's nice to see you. Rachel. I'll call you later.”

“Sure,” nodded Rachel.

With a nod Laura left them and Rachel took them to the desk for the nurse to take them through.

“How are they today?” enquired Mark as they were let into through the doors to walk on alone.

“Good.”

“Any idea how long they're thinking of keeping them in?”

“Well given the blood-pressure issues she's had they're thinking maybe a few more days, perhaps a week.”

“Right.”

“She'll be glad to see you're here. And more flowers. That room will be full of them.”

“Not a problem is it?”

Rachel shook her head. In the scheme of things she had bigger things to worry about.

“Rachel, I was wondering,” began Seb cautiously. “You know how she likes flowers.”

“Mm?”

“Well the thing is I spotted this book on Amazon about being an urban gardener on like no budget, making things grow in recovered scrap items and stuff and, well, I was wondering if I might be allowed to give it to her?”

Rachel paused and Sebastian could tell she wasn't keen.

“I know we're not meant to give gifts but it's really cheap. It's just a paperback but it looked like it had lots of pictures. I thought, you know with her only having a yard at home. I mean she is going to be going back home with her mum isn't she?”

“It is looking that way yes,” Rachel agreed.

“It's hardly more than the price of a magazine really,” he wheedled.

Rachel sighed and shook her head.

“We shouldn't really, but I guess, I mean I suppose if it's only a little thing,” she relented.

Sebastian beamed.

“Thank you. I just thought it would be good to encourage her, you know.”

“Sure. Alright, well just don't go mentioning it to Laura or anyone.”

“I won't.”

To Sebastian's side Mark internally shook his head. Seb had 'just happened to spot' this book after an hour of scouring the website and had of course already ordered it last night. Not that he was going to tell Rachel that of course.

  


They entered the room with smiles and presented more flowers to Kacey who had the baby in a plastic crib beside the bed.

“If they'd let me out of bed I could make a killing selling these on in here,” noted Kacey as Rachel swapped the new flowers out for an older bunch on the cabinet.

“I'm sure you'd do a sterling job if you did,” agreed Mark as they stood by the crib, looking in at the sleeping baby.

“I wouldn't really sell them,” assured Kacey.

Sebastian looked at her.

“We know you wouldn't, it's okay. How've you been?”

Kacey shrugged.

“Okay I guess. Mum spent most of last night here.”

“Did she?”

“Yeah until the nurses threw her out. She's trying to arrange some holiday from work, or I dunno, I think she called it unpaid leave.”

Mark puffed a breath. Nobody was making it easy for them. Seb was right really, it did feel as if they ought to be helping out, but it wasn't allowed. He hoped they understood that they would if permitted.

“Well that'll be better if she's off,” noted Seb.

“Yeah I guess. I mean of course it'll be better. I thinks she's getting really tired.”

“Of course she must be, working all day and then coming here.”

“Yeah.”

“Not that she minds. I'm sure she wants to see you.”

Kacey nodded.

“How's this little one behaving?” enquired Mark. “She keeping you up?”

“Yeah a bit. She's quiet now. I swear she drops off when you come.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“She must think we're very boring.”

“Oh, I didn't mean that.”

“Nah, that's alright, only kidding.”

 

Seeing as the baby looked comfortable where she was sleeping they left her undisturbed and went to take a seat, chatting with Kacey about whatever she wanted to talk about. After a while the baby woke and started fussing so Sebastian bounced up to go round so he could help Kacey lift her out of the crib. He stood watching for a moment as she held her.

“Shh, shh.” Kacey looked up at him. “She's not due her bottle for a bit.”

“Nappy?”

“Um, maybe.”

“Do you want me to check?” he offered.

“Oh, um yeah okay.”

Sebastian took the baby back and with a smile to Kacey took Rosie over to where there was a little changing table on the far side. Mark went with him and Rachel came to supervise. From her bed Kacey strained a little to see how they were getting on. She'd done the job quite a few times by now even though they kept insisting she rest in bed. Not that she was going to object to someone else doing it instead. Sebastian glanced over his shoulder to her.

“Number one. Just needs a change.”

“Oh okay. Thanks.”

Between them he and Mark succeeded in changing the baby's nappy, undoing her babygro, cleaning her with the things set out and replacing the nappy from the supply tucked on the shelf below. The baby wailed and both of them tried to appear more confident than they were, remembering all they had learned in their parenting classes, fully aware of Rachel over their shoulder. The baby kicked her little legs, bending her knees, pulling in and out making the task harder, but they got her redressed and Mark picked Rosie up and brought her back unscathed to her mother.

“There you go, all done.”

“Thanks.”

Kacey readjusted her hold to make sure the baby was lying right in her arms and looked to Seb and Mark.

“She's gone quiet again. I think she really likes you.”

“Oh well, I'm sure she's just happy to have a clean nappy,” Mark assured.

“Mm I guess.”

Kacey looked down at the baby again, then back at them.

“She's due her bottle in a bit. Do you want to help with that too?”

“If you'd like that,” agreed Seb.

“Yeah, I mean you should, right?”

“Kacey you're under no obligation,” reminded Rachel.

Kacey looked at her.

“I know but, I mean if she's going to be with them I want her to be used to it. I don't want Rosie going to strangers.”

 

Sebastian suddenly felt like crying. Everything Kacey was going through and she seemed to be thinking so clearly. He didn't know how she was managing. Maybe she saved her worries and struggles for when they weren't there? The thought of her wanting to be sure her daughter felt safe and at home with them surely said so much?

“Okay,” pacified Rachel, thinking Kacey was so strident in her opinions maybe they really did need to start having serious discussions about what they were going to do. Not right now though.

“What time is she due her bottle?” asked Mark.

“Eleven.”

“Ah right, okay then.”

“The nurse brings it in,” explained Kacey. “They keep trying to talk me into... you know.”

She pulled a face and it took a moment for Seb and Mark to realise what she was referring to.

“Ah.”

Kacey shook her head.

“No way. I've told them. I'm not doing that. It's gross. I'm not a cow.”

Mark pressed his lips together, holding back a laugh.

“They can't make me,” insisted Kacey.

“No one's trying to make you do anything,” insisted Rachel.

Kacey looked to Seb and Mark.

“Hmm, they're just trying to guilt me by saying it's better for her. Rosie likes her bottles. She's really good and drinks it all up. What's wrong with that?”

“She looks healthy to me,” offered Mark.

“Exactly. It's got to be good for her or they wouldn't give it to babies would they? It's all milk.”

 

In the background Rachel wondered what little battle had gone on there. Something or someone had clearly riled her on the subject. If they were trying to persuade Kacey to do something she had set against, Rachel wished them luck.

“I'm sure she's very happy,” offered Seb. “My sister's baby always had a bottle.”

“Did she?”

“Yep. Still does, though I think she's weaning her now so she has both.”

“Oh right. How old did you say she was?”

“Nine months. She's got so big. She was tiny when we first met her.”

Kacey nodded then went back to looking at Rosie in her arms. She wasn't even meant to be born yet.

“She was a bit early too,” noted Seb.

“Hm?”

“My niece. She was born a bit early. And she's fine.”

“Oh right. Yeah that's good. Have you helped look after her?”

“A bit. Not so much as we'd like seeing as they live in Germany.”

“Oh right. Do you miss them?”

“Yeah but we go see them.”

“Why do you live over here?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Well because Mark did. I moved in with him a few years back.”

“I've been here twenty years,” commented Mark.

“Wow.”

“Yeah. About as long as I lived in Aus I guess.”

“You still sound Aussie.”

“Thanks.”

“Why did you move here?”

“To race. Australia's a bit out of the way.”

“Oh I guess. And you like it?”

“Racing or living here?”

“Dunno. Both I suppose.”

Mark nodded.

“Well yes to both.”

“Does it seem cold over here?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Does today. It was freezing when we walked the dogs first thing.”

“Was it? You can't tell in here at all. I think it's really warm all the time.”

“I don't suppose they want you getting cold.”

Kacey pulled the blanket up a little over the baby. The nurses kept saying she needed to keep her wrapped up, but Rosie always seemed warm to her so she must be alright.

  


  


A little while later a nurse appeared with a bottle and watched for a minute as Kacey fed the baby. Only when she was gone did Kacey look over to Seb and Mark.

“Do you want a go?”

“Are you sure?” checked Seb.

Kacey nodded and Mark stood to pass the baby to Sebastian, making sure he had a secure hold of her before taking the bottle and passing him that too and sitting back down beside him. Sebastian made sure he was holding the bottle at a steep enough angle and gazed down as she sucked away.

“Think she's hungry,” noted Mark.

“Yeah, she's so good,” agreed Sebastian.

The baby looked up at him and Seb smiled back. She had the palest blue eyes, lighter even than Kacey's and the skin around them was rather wrinkled as if not quite prepared for the reality of being born. He still felt rather nervous holding her, anxious that he would make a mistake and accidentally cause her some harm, or that Rachel would see something she disapproved of.

“Did you do this at your parenting class too?” asked Kacey.

“Yeah kind of. They showed us how and we had to practise on dolls.”

Kacey laughed.

“They made me play with dolls too. At first I thought they were trying to say something about me being a kid, but it was for everyone there. It felt really strange.”

“Yeah I know what you mean,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark couldn't help thinking that it wasn't all that many years since it would have been entirely appropriate that Kacey would be playing with dolls. Far too few years in his opinion, but he couldn't fault her for all she was doing to look after her baby. Kacey had seemed so much calmer now she'd had her. At least that fear had passed for her.

Eventually Sebastian gave the baby over to Mark, finding the act rather stressful until Mark finally seemed to be holding her safely. Mark smiled down.

“Hey little one. Want some more of your bottle?”

Seb picked up the bottle from where it sat on the edge of the bed and gave it to Mark who seemed to be doing well at balancing the baby in one long arm against his chest, her head resting in the crook so she could look up at him. Mark placed the bottle teat by the baby's mouth and she automatically began suckling on it.

“Yeah that's the spirit kiddo,” he encouraged.

Kacey watched as Mark seemed to confidently hold and feed the baby. Both he and Seb kept smiling down and talking to the baby almost as if she could answer back, which she obviously couldn't even if she didn't have a bottle in her mouth.

“You're really good with her,” she praised.

Mark looked up.

“Um, thanks. You want her back?”

“No it's okay. I'm gonna have to feed her later when you're gone anyway.”

Mark nodded.

“Save your arms then,” he offered.

She nodded and as Sebastian talked with her more about what she might like to do when she had done her exams. In addition to looking up books last night, Seb had also done a little research into her options and was now discussing apprenticeships and how she might be able to get paid while training in something that inspired her. Maybe it wasn't their place, but Rachel made no intervention and Mark couldn't see anything wrong in encouraging the girl to do something positive with her life. It still seemed a little surprising that a girl from such a tough background has such a contrasting interest, but perhaps it was for that very reason she was drawn to it? He genuinely hoped there was a future for her there and that Kacey might find a refuge from her hard world in something as fragile and beautiful as flowers.

  


  


When they went to leave Rachel excused herself for a moment from Kacey and stepped out, taking them down to the sitting room down the corridor to speak with them.

“Everything alright?” frowned Mark as she closed the door behind them.

“Yes fine. It's just as we were sat there I was thinking that Kacey seems as though she might be ready to start thinking about the future.”

“Oh? You mean whether she allows Rosie to be adopted?”

“Mm. Still not any final decisions, but I think I should sit down and have a proper chat with her this afternoon. I know she seems keen, but I want her to fully understand her decision and really think about it before we move forwards.”

“So you think she will?” asked Seb.

Rachel puffed a long breath.

“She does keep saying so, but we've not really gone through it properly and I want her to really understand what it means and how it works if she does decide that.”

Sebastian continued to suffer that clash of emotions, feeling guilty that he hoped Kacey would allow them to adopt her daughter. Rosie had felt so nice in his arms and Mark had looked at home with her too.

“What would happen then?” enquired Seb. “I mean if she does say yes?”

“Well there's two aspects, one that she decides if she gives her baby up for adoption, two that she agrees to you being the ones to adopt her. I cannot promise now on either point, though in all honesty if she does agree to the adoption I don't think I'm totally off the mark to suggest she is in favour of you being the ones to take her.”

Sebastian tried to repress the little thrill that ran through him at that. Kacey seemed to be working on the assumption that they were going to adopt Rosie, but he knew that wasn't anything official.

Rachel seemed to see something in his eye as she continued.

“It is the first point that I really need to get into with her and with her mother too.”

“Are things sorted there?” asked Mark. “With her moving back home I mean?”

“I think so. That's why Laura was in earlier, but that's not official yet either. There's a lot still up in the air.”

“Right okay.”

“Rachel. If she does agree, what happens then?” questioned Seb.

“Well we can't make any assumptions yet, but I would need to be secure that she fully understands her decision and that won't happen in one conversation, so I would expect to continue speaking with her and Kara and I'm not going to put a deadline on a final call.”

“Okay, but given that we can foster the baby?”

“Yes that is a factor. I'm not going to push her, but I will discuss the possibility of her agreeing to the baby going with you when she goes home from the hospital.”

“And when will that be?”

“I don't know. It's not my call, it's a medical decision, though they have suggested perhaps the weekend.”

Sebastian's stomach did a little flip. They could have a baby by the weekend. Maybe Sunday? Maybe a week after she was born? They could be sat at home holding a little girl they could call their own child. The rush of excitement was undeniable, but all the while Seb knew that would mean a young girl going home without her baby. That she would be with her own mother by the sounds of it was something, but he couldn't imagine how Kacey would feel.

“It's really only a projection,” qualified Rachel, “and I cannot promise anything. Even if Kacey agrees to everything there is still the cooling off period when she could change her mind even if Rosie were to be fostered by you. Nothing would be finalised until a legal grant of adoption which would take several months. You do understand that?”

 

Sebastian nodded. They had been through this in theory many times before, but it was different now it was real.

“We understand Rachel,” affirmed Mark. “Can we ask what she says to you when we come in tomorrow?”

Rachel puffed a breath.

“Well what she says is confidential unless she agrees to me telling you. What I will do is ask her if she consents to me sharing her general opinion as it presently stands.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Rachel nodded. She rather thought Kacey was likely to tell them anyway, but it was best to stick within the rules.

“Even if she remains in favour it would only be a step.”

“And then what?” asked Seb.

“Well, I would keep talking to her and if her opinion is unchanged then I would begin looking at the paperwork to start the process, but not yet. Even at the soonest I wouldn't think until the end of the week. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Seb huffed out a calming breath.

“Thanks.”

“Well we'll be back same time tomorrow morning then,” reminded Mark.

“Sure. I'll just have a quick word with her now then I need to go into the office to catch up and I'll be back here this afternoon.”

“And again tonight?” noted Mark.

Rachel gave a little tip of her head and both he and Seb thought how hard she worked. They said their goodbyes and left her to get on.

  


  


As they climbed into the car Mark gave Seb a smile.

“You fancy going to look for a tree this afternoon?”

Sebastian paused. He had spent so long looking forward to Christmas and all that went into it, but now his mind couldn't focus on that at all.

“Liebling, would you mind if we waited?”

Mark frowned. Seb adored Christmas. Two weeks ago he couldn't wait to get stuck in and now he was delaying it yet again.

“You don't want to?”

“No I do, just, I don't know. I'm not in the mood somehow.”

“You're too busy thinking about this,” guessed Mark.

“Aren't you? I mean if Rachel is going to start proper formal talks with Kacey we could have a baby home with us in a few days. Isn't that more important?”

“Oh sweetheart of course it is, but we can't make any assumptions.”

“I'm not. Really Mark I know it's not decided yet, but we do need to be ready.”

“Seb.”

“Kacey seems so sure.”

Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart she's a mixed-up kid who's just been through something huge, still is.”

“She knows her own mind.”

“I'm not saying she doesn't. I'm just saying we need to wait and see how things go with Rachel.”

 

Sebastian took in a deep calming breath.

“Okay. It's just I can't think of anything else right now.”

“I know. It's on my mind too. Of course it is. Alright, so we do something else to keep us busy if you don't fancy doing the tree just now.”

“We need to paint the nursery.”

“Oh Seb, really I'm not sure that's a good idea darling.”

“I'm not saying we rush out and buy a crib Liebling. I know we can't jump ahead yet, but, I mean, it needs doing. We've been saying we'd paint it since we cleared out in there and we've never had time. We have the time now.”

“Sweetheart Kacey might change her mind.”

“I know. I do know that. But, I mean it needs time to dry. What if she doesn't? Shouldn't we at least have a room ready, just in case?”

Mark ran a hand through his hair. It felt premature to be doing this, but if Seb didn't want to do Christmas decorating at the moment, maybe a different kind of decorating would at least keep them busy?

“Maybe. I dunno.”

“Even if it's not Rosie. It is going to be some baby needing that room eventually isn't it?”

Mark couldn't think of any way of answering that in the negative that wasn't wholly depressing to both of them. All he could do was nod.

“Yeah okay.”

“Yes? I'm not suggesting we go buying loads of baby stuff Mark. I know it's too soon, just painting the walls, that's all.”

“Yeah okay, if you want to.”

“Don't you?”

“I suppose we have been meaning to do it for ages,” Mark relented. “You still think pale yellow?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah. You like that?”

“Yeah I think that'd be nice.”

Mark smiled back. He was hopeless at not wanting to give Seb everything that made him happy.

Sebastian sat back in his seat and did up the belt.

“Can we go via the store on the way back then?”

“Might as well,” agreed Mark. “There's a 'B&Q' on the ringroad, we can stop off.”

“Great.”

  


  


They set off and parked up outside the DIY warehouse not ten minutes away. As they climbed out and crossed the car-park Seb took Mark's hand and gave him another smile.

“I'm really not assuming this means there'll be a baby in there a week from now.”

Mark nodded.

“No okay.”

“Besides I think a baby would be better off sleeping in our room for a while.”

Mark looked at him and Seb shrugged.

“Don't you?”challenged Seb.

“Um, well yeah okay, but...”

“No I mean, my point is painting the nursery is just about painting it that's all.”

“Right. Yeah okay.”

“I'll get a trolley.”

Mark watched as Sebastian hurried off to fetch a trolley. He took a deep breath. It'd be okay. It was just paint.

 

As it turned out, once they got going it was also just brushes, rollers and trays, masking tape and twenty minutes stood with a very patient assistant while they mixed the exact shade of pale, but still warm and inviting shade of yellow, a little pale primrose and a smidgen of light buttercup. Seb knew what he wanted.

  


  


  


For all Mark's misgivings there was no denying that the activity certainly did keep them busy. After a quick lunch they prepared the room, moving the rocking chair out, taking down the curtains and Mark putting newspaper down to protect the carpet as Seb did a very precise job of edging all the skirting boards, ceiling, switches and the window and door-frame with the masking tape so everything was neat. That done Mark fetched the small step ladder from the garage while Seb brought up the radio and they dressed in their oldest clothes to spend the whole afternoon working together, painting the room that perfect shade of yellow.

The radio played jolly Christmas tunes and though they kept the window open to air the room, they weren't cold with all the hard work they were doing. It was fun though. It was nice to see the progress they were making and even Mark forgot his worries as he got lost in what they were doing, smiling as he saw Sebastian mouthing along with the Christmas songs and looking happy. As Seb caught him looking Mark just huffed a little laugh and tapped Seb's nose with a paint covered finger.

“Ah Mark!” complained Seb.

Mark just grinned so Seb narrowed his eyes and got him on the chin with his brush.

“Oh my god!” gasped Mark.

Sebastian laughed back and Mark shook his head.

“Do I have a yellow chin now?”

Seb shrugged.

“I have a yellow nose.”

“Yeah but yours is cute,” insisted Mark appraising the yellow streak down Seb's already cute nose.

Sebastian went to protest, but Mark dipped in to kiss him and you couldn't argue with that, so he merely kissed back, neither of them noticing how the fact Seb was still holding the brush meant it got paint on both their t-shirts until they parted.

“Oh dear,” Mark laughed.

Seb shrugged.

“They're old anyway.”

“True. Never mind.”

Sebastian put the brush down on a tray and stepped back into Mark to wrap his arms around his neck not caring about the paint getting on both of them now. Mark angled his head to kiss him as he pulled him in, their bodies flush against one another. They felt so close to getting all they longed for and it wasn't just each other anymore, they wanted more than that and for the first time Seb felt as though it was really okay to want it, to want all he desired without feeling guilty. They could make this a beautiful nursery, give a child a wonderful home, a secure family and all the love in their hearts. They could do that. It could happen and maybe, just maybe, it could be sooner than they had dared hope.

  


 

* * *

 


	189. The Primrose Path

* * *

  
  


The next morning they stood in the nursery, ostensibly in there to close the window after leaving it open all night with the door shut to allow the walls to fully dry, but really they were admiring their handiwork. There was still a faint smell of paint lingering in the air but the room did look good. Despite occasional distractions they'd worked hard and had finished the job, though it was dark by the time they did.

“Looks pretty professional even if I do say so myself,” decided Mark.

“It's great. The colour looks really nice in the daylight don't you think?”

Mark laughed.

“Well there's two coats on there darling. I don't much want to re-do it again.”

Seb pouted.

“It was fun.”

Mark kissed the pout away.

“It was. You know I think it looks bigger in here now.”

“It's a pretty big room anyway.”

“True.”

Mark surveyed the bedroom. Lots of space for all the nursery furniture you'd need in here; a cot to the side with a changing table as well, a set of drawers to store all their little clothes, bookshelves full of picture books and maybe a toybox over in the corner to make a play area, perhaps add a child-sized table and chairs there too when they were older? It really would look better with all that set nicely out in here, but not yet though. Not yet.

  
  


“We should put the rocking chair back in here,” noted Seb.

“I'll get it.”

“I can help.”

They manoeuvred the sizeable chair back in and put it back in its spot by the window.

“You know I think it's the curtains being down that makes it look bigger,” Seb observed.

“Yeah probably. You want to stick them back up?”

“Are the walls properly dry?”

Mark put a tentative finger pad on the wall to test it, then a hand.

“Yep we're good.”

They set the room to rights, then with one last look they shut the door and went to set off for the hospital once more.

  
  


  
  


  
  


When they arrived Rachel met them and took them down to the little sitting room at the end of the corridor. She noticed that Sebastian clasped a small package in his hand.

“What's that?” she enquired as they went to sit down.

“The book. You know, the one I asked about for Kacey.”

“Oh right, okay.”

“It's alright isn't it? It really wasn't anything expensive,” insisted Seb.

“Um, yes fine if it's only a little thing.”

“It's just mostly pictures and tips for growing things.”

“Sure. Okay.”

Mark was less interested in the book than how Rachel's conversation had gone with Kacey the previous day.

“Rach what can you tell us about how things went with Kacey and her mum?”

“It's still just discussion,” started Rachel.

Mark hid a sigh. He was already sick of being told that that, but he knew it was how these things worked.

“Fine, but what did they say?”

“Well broadly I can tell you that Kacey says that she still wishes for the adoption to take place.”

Mark nodded and Sebastian tried not to smile. It felt wrong to be too happy about it.

“And her mum?”

“She believes Kacey is too young to cope with being a mother and thinks it is for the best. Now before we get too carried away I need you to understand this is still only very provisional. I stillneed to go over all the details of how it would work with Kacey again. I'm sure you appreciate that it is a lot for her to take in.”

“Of course,” conceded Seb, “but you think she'd agree to us fostering so Rosie could come to us when she's allowed out of hospital?”

“Well I can say that I don't think she would want her going anywhere else. I did speak to her about that and Kacey is very firm that if she gives up her baby she knows where she is going. I think I can start at least provisionally start looking at the paperwork when I go into the office this afternoon.”

“Really?”

 

Mark saw a light in Seb's eyes and he had to agree that it did sound positive. Maybe they should have started looking for cribs and things? They didn't even have one of those machines to heat a baby's bottle. That was pretty essential. Perhaps they did need to go shopping? Were they really getting ahead of themselves or was it better to be prepared?

“It's still only a first formal discussion since the baby arrived,” cautioned Rachel.

“But it could be by the weekend that she is released from hospital,” noted Seb.

“Yes, so I am working on it, but it's a delicate balance. The last thing I want to do is to push Kacey. You appreciate that don't you?”

“Of course we do.”

“I know it's hard for you too,” Rachel allowed.

“No we understand don't we Mark?”

“Course we do, but we are on track?”

“We just need to keep making the steps and see where we get to,” insisted Rachel.

“Okay.”

Mark looked to Seb and gave him a little smile.

“It's good though,” he noted.

“Yeah.”

“Oh, one thing she did ask about was some form of contact,” brought up Rachel.

 

Mark frowned slightly thinking that Rachel had always told them that wasn't permitted once adoption took place.

“Contact?”

“Well perhaps communication would be a better word. Not actual contact as that is far too disruptive for all concerned, no I mean whether you would be willing for a very limited and controlled level of communication; Perhaps allowing Kacey to send birthday cards and in return allowing her to have a photograph of the child and a short note telling her how she is doing. Maybe just as a once a year thing?”

Sebastian and Mark looked to one another. There was something terribly poignant about such a request. It would feel cruel to say no.

“Of course,” agreed Seb. “I'm sure that would be a comfort to her. I can't imagine how she would feel always wondering.”

Rachel nodded.

“It is only permitted in circumstances where the parent voluntarily gives up the child and the adoptive parents agree. It is very carefully supervised by the agency. Everything goes via us and I hope it doesn't sound draconian to say we have to read the communications to be sure there is nothing inappropriate included.”

Mark looked at her.

“What's likely to be inappropriate?”

“Well giving too many details usually. I'd talk to you all about it if it comes to that, but we have to be careful not to give addresses or contact details, things such as what school the child is attending or where you spend time, that sort of thing.”

“In case they try to go see them?”

“Exactly. Once adoption takes place it's important for all concerned that new relationships are securely established. Only when the child turns eighteen may possible direct contact be considered when they are an adult and hopefully mature enough to handle things if they request it. The birth parent has to consent to that also of course, but they cannot initiate contact, they can only tell us they are open to it.”

 

Mark puffed out a long breath and looked to Seb. It seemed strange to imagine dealing with a child reaching eighteen, but if they adopted then that would be the situation they were in one day. He wondered how hard it might be for a mother to sit with her little pile of photos of their child growing up and nothing more, but it would be Kacey's choice to go that way.

“I suppose it would at least be good for the kid to know their mother cared,” he noted.

Rachel nodded.

“Psychologically yes, we believe so. Only if you agree and you can change your mind as the child gets older if you think it is upsetting or unsettling them, but we're very careful to make sure the messages sent are straight-forward things such as best wishes and hopes that they are well, not long letters.”

“Right, okay.” Mark looked to Seb. “That's alright I guess isn't it?”

“Yeah of course,” Seb concurred. “I think it'd be better for a child to always know their mother loves them even if they gave them up and Kacey would know Rosie's safe and happy so she can get on with her life.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Course.” He looked to Rachel. “I take it that's what Kacey requested?”

Rachel nodded.

“Yes. She said she'd like to have some pictures. So you'd be alright with that?”

“Sure.”

“Well there, are as you might expect, a bunch more rules we'd need to go over with that, but we can talk about that if we get there. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian looked to Rachel.

“Can we go in and see her?”

“Sure, though I'd appreciate it if you didn't get into this with Kacey. Leave it to me if you will?”

Sebastian and Mark nodded and they all stood to go through.

  
  


As they took their seat Seb offered up the small package to Kacey.

“We got you a little something,” he stated.

Kacey looked at it.

“What is it? Mark could you hold her?” she requested.

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

He leaned in to take the baby from her arms so Kacey had free hands and sat back down with Rosie whilst Seb passed the package to Kacey.

“I had to open it to make sure we'd been sent the right thing,” he excused.

Kacey re-opened the top of the little package and pulled out a glossy paperback book, smaller than A4 and only about a centimetre thick. On the front the words _'Urban Guerilla Gardening; starting from scratch'_ were emblazoned in bright graffiti writing on top of a picture of flowers growing in a tyre backed by a red brick wall. Kacey stared at it, then looked to Seb.

“It's only a little thing,” repeated Seb, largely for Rachel's benefit. “But it's got loads of pictures and advice on how you can grow things in places you wouldn't think possible and how you can find seeds and stuff to grow them in just lying around. I thought you might like it.”

 

Kacey opened the book and started flicking through the pages. It was mostly glossy pictures designed to inspire readers, with only little boxes of text explaining how to go about it. When her mum was out sometimes she'd seen some gardening programmes on the television but they always seemed to be in luscious country paradises, not like anywhere Kacey had even been, never mind had at home. Kacey looked at a picture one one page of reclaimed breeze blocks making up a flower-bed in a concrete yard. It looked like the little yard at the back of her house and she stared at it wondering where they got the soil from.

“What d'you think?” asked Seb.

She looked up from the book to him.

“This is really cool.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“I thought it might last longer than cut flowers.”

Kacey nodded.

“It's great. Thank you.”

Sebastian smiled and sat up straighter. He knew they were being a little bit naughty giving Kacey things according to the rules, but he didn't see how a book that only cost £8.99 really counted as a bribe. Besides Kacey looked happy to have it and if it brought a little joy into her life Seb didn't really care what the rules were.

  
  


They sat chatting, Kacey telling them how much better things were going with her mum now she had calmed down, though Seb and Mark suspected it was more that Kacey had settled down enough to allow the reconciliation, not that they said as much, naturally.

“She says if it's all agreed with Laura I can go home with her when they let me out.”

“That's good,” agreed Seb.

“I still don't really know when,” admitted Kacey. “I'm hoping the weekend really. I'm so sick of being stuck in bed.”

“I'm sure.”

“Mum said you'd been in hospital last year but you're alright now,” noted Kacey.

“Oh. Um, yeah,” admitted Seb.

“And you were in a crash?”

“Yes.”

Rachel looked as though she was about to tell Kacey not to ask about this but Sebastian caught her eye and gave a tiny shake of his head to let her know it was okay.

“Was it like really bad then? Were you going fast?” enquired Kacey.

“Pretty bad yeah, but I'm fine now.”

Kacey nodded.

“I'm glad you're okay.”

“Thanks.”

“Do they happen often? Crashes and stuff in races?”

Sebastian puffed a breath. He didn't want to worry her, but he wasn't going to lie.

“Well little knocks happen quite a bit, but F1 cars are very safe these days. You have really well made safety-tested cars and secure racing seatbelts as well as helmets of course to protect you. Serious accidents are very rare. I was just unlucky.”

Seb looked to Mark and gave him a tiny smile to let him know he was alright. He knew Mark didn't like mentioning his accident much either though.

“They have really good safety procedures for races and medical staff on site that took care of me. Then they took me to the hospital quickly and it was all okay in the end,” he explained.

“Were you stuck in the hospital for ages too?” wondered Kacey.

“Um, I can't really remember,” admitted Seb. He looked to Mark. “Liebling how long was I in hospital?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“About a week. It felt a lot longer, but you did really well and they let you home.”

Seb nodded as he looked to Mark, then turned to Kacey.

“I remember really wanting to go home.”

“Yeah,” agreed Kacey.

“It was pretty quick that they let me out I guess, but Mark looked after me when I got home so it was okay and I got better.”

Mark sat thinking how they had needed Seb's mum to help in the end too, but there wasn't much point going into all that. Kacey was looking at him holding the baby so he just gave her a little smile.

“You will look after her won't you?” asked Kacey sounding a little anxious.

“Of course,” assured Mark calmly, not entirely sure if she meant right now or if they took home.

 

Kacey nodded, watching the way he was holding the baby. Rosie was peaceful now, though she had cried and cried earlier this morning. After a while Mark asked if she wanted the baby back, but Kacey said it was okay for Seb to have a turn holding her, so Mark passed the baby to him instead. As Seb sat gazing at the baby Mark gave Kacey a smile and tried asking her if there was anything in the book that she reckoned she might attempt growing, keeping the conversation going on something she was enthused about and trying to encourage her interest in something positive.

  
  


Seb looked up occasionally, but mostly he found himself captivated by the baby cradled in his arms. She was so beautiful, so tiny. He hoped it wasn't selfish to hope they could take her home soon. Then Kacey could go back to her mother and attempt to regain what was left of her childhood, get some qualifications and find a path ahead. He hoped Kacey could grow some flowers in that little yard to brighten up her life and keep the photos they would send her to assure her that Rosie was growing up well cared for and loved. Surely that would be the best thing for all of them?

The baby suddenly yawned and Sebastian smiled at how adorably cute she looked as her tiny mouth opened wide and her face scrunched up while her little limbs stretched out jerkily then pulled back in, disarranging the blanket that she was wrapped up in. Mark looked over and put the blanket back over Rosie properly seeing as Seb's hands were occupied holding her.

“Don't want you getting cold now do we eh?” he smiled.

“Thank you Liebling. That's better isn't it Kleine?”

“Is she alright?” enquired Kacey.

“She's fine,” assured Mark.

“Do you want to hold her now?” Seb asked.

“'kay.”

  
  


He passed the baby back to her and they sat for a little while longer, but they couldn't help but notice that Kacey had gone quiet, which really wasn't like her.

“Are you tired?” asked Seb.

“Maybe we should get on,” suggested Mark, “let you get some rest.”

He glanced to Rachel, about to ask when might be a good time to come again when Mark heard Kacey take in a sharp breath. She was staring down at the baby in her arms, but then she looked to the pair of them and without any further warning Kacey burst into tears.

 

Sebastian leaned in.

“Kacey what's the matter? Are you alright?”

She looked down at the baby again, then with tears streaming down her face shook her head at them.

“I, I can't do it. I can't give her up. I'm sorry. I thought I could. I thought it was best. I know it is, but I can't do it. I can't.”

Kacey clutched the baby closer into her body as if someone was about to snatch her away and started sobbing uncontrollably.

 

Sebastian sat back in his chair feeling all the blood drain from him. He stared at the girl in shock as she continued to cry, Rachel was on the other side trying to calm her but Sebastian couldn't take in what she was saying, he hardly noticed the way Mark had taken his hand. He couldn't look away from the girl and the baby. Mark was looking at Seb though, worried at how white he had rapidly gone. He squeezed his hand.

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian didn't answer and the girl was still crying piteously. Mark felt his stomach turn over. A trap door had just opened and he felt sick at the fall surely coming.

 

The girl took in a shuddery breath and looked to them.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I thought I could, but, but I can't. I can't give her away. I can't do it. I can't look at pictures of her growing up and know she's mine. I know she'd be better off with you, but...”

Seb seemed to snap out of his frozen state at hearing her distress. He reached to put a hand on her arm and in a voice infinitely calmer than how he really felt, Sebastian answered as he looked Kacey in the eye.

“It's okay. It's okay,” he soothed.

“I can't give her up. I thought I could, but I can't. I'm sorry.”

“It's alright, don't get upset.”

“I, I know I said...”

“It's alright. Kacey it's really alright.”

“I'm sorry. I know I told you you could have her. I'm sorry. I know it's wrong to change my mind.”

Sebastian shook his head

“No no. Of course you can change your mind. It's alright.”

 

Kacey took several shuddering breaths as Rachel stood rubbing her arm, wondering if it would be best to take the baby from her while she calmed down or if that was the very worst thing to do in the circumstances.

“It's alright Kacey,” Rachel reassured. “No one's taking your baby away. Nobody is going to make you do that.”

The girl took more shuddery breaths, still crying and looking to Seb and Mark rather than Rachel.

“I'm sorry,” Kacey apologised shakily once more.

Mark shook his head, seeing how she was only getting more worked up and genuinely worrying for her when he knew how vulnerable she was.

“Kacey don't panic sweetheart,” he advised solidly, knowing that a firm but sympathetic approach was needed from all the times Seb had got upset. “Just take a deep breath. It's all alright.”

Sebastian nodded approval, so Kacey did as she was told and took a deep calming breath. She looked into Seb's eyes.

“I'm sorry. I know you could give her a better life.”

Sebastian shook his head. Kacey took another slower breath.

“I know I should give her to you, I know I'm too young, but I just looked at her and I can't do it. I can't let her go. I'm sorry.”

“It's alright,” he soothed with a steadiness that came from years of hiding his true emotions from the world.

 

On her other side Rachel had stood up and looked over at the couple.

“I think perhaps you should step outside,” she requested.

Mark nodded and stood but Sebastian took a moment. His legs didn't seem to want to work. The moment they walked out of this room he knew it would be over. Their dream of taking this baby home would be gone. But it was already over. Seb knew that. They weren't going to try to talk Kacey round or try to persuade her that they really would be better parents for Rosie. How could they say that when her poor mother was clinging to the baby still crying and apologising as if loving her own child was wrong? Seb forced a reassuring smile onto his face and sounded as warm and calm as he could as he stood up.

“It's really alright Kacey. It's all going to be okay,” he promised.

Kacey sniffled and all Seb wanted to do was hug her. Not take the baby away, but just hug them both.

“Come on sweetheart, we should give them some space,” encouraged Mark, putting his arm around Seb to guide him out.

  
  


  
  


The door shut behind them, stifling the sound of the baby now crying too along with her mother and the pair of them stood in the blank hospital corridor. Seb could hardly feel the floor beneath him. He felt light-headed. Mark went to say something but all Seb could do was press into him, his forehead on Mark's shoulder as Mark wrapped his arms around him. Sebastian closed his eyes and Mark did the same as he took in a deep breath. He could feel Seb's heart hammering through his chest and Mark could think of nothing to say to comfort him. All he could do was stroke over his back.

They'd known Kacey could change her mind. Rachel had told them over and over that nothing was finalised, but every time they had seen her Kacey had seemed so set on them adopting. She'd been so keen to make sure they held the baby, plainly watching them to see how they got on. Mark was certain they had done a good job. It wasn't that. Surely the poor girl had to have been hiding uncertainties she hadn't wanted to voice? Or perhaps she simply hadn't appreciated what it meant until things started to get real. It was one thing to talk about giving your baby up for adoption. It was quite another to be confronted with the reality of never seeing more than a photograph of your child ever again. Poor bloody kid. Mark wanted to cry and he didn't know whether it was for him and Seb or that sobbing child in the next room who should never have been in this position in the first place. Life was so bloody unfair.

  
  


It was several minutes before Rachel emerged from the room and Seb and Mark broke apart to look at her.

Rachel's face was tense.

“I'm sorry. I'm really... ah hell, I had no idea she was feeling this way.” She sighed. “Look, um, I need to call her mother to try to get her here. Could you see if the room at the end is free and wait for me there?”

 

Mark nodded and put his arm back around Seb to steer them there, sitting them down without letting go of him. Sebastian took in a shaky breath and glanced towards the door.

“Someone should be with her.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Not us right now darling.”

Seb looked back to him and could hold back no longer. His head sank and he too began to cry. Mark pulled him in and they hung onto one another, neither one capable of saying much at all, never mind anything that might help.

  
  


 

They didn't notice how long it took for Rachel to come to join them in the room, tapping on the door before walking in. She could see how upset Sebastian looked and Mark clearly wasn't okay either. Seb rubbed over his face, trying to recover himself.

Rachel took a seat an angle a little to the side of them and sighed.

“I'm so sorry. I really had no idea she was having second thoughts. She gave no indication,” Rachel apologised.

Mark shook his head.

“I'm not sure she realised either.”

“No,” agreed Rachel. “Emotions are funny things. Things can hit you sideways without warning.”

Mark looked back at her thinking they knew that only too well. He still had his arm around Seb who now took a deep breath before addressing Rachel.

“How is she? Is she alright?”

Rachel puffed a breath.

“Not entirely if I'm honest. Her mum is on her way.”

Seb nodded and Mark gave his arm a rub.

“That's good I guess.”

“Yes,” agreed Rachel. “Look I know this probably isn't fair to ask of you, but do you think you could stay a little while?”

“Here?” checked Mark.

“If you want, or maybe go get a coffee? Sorry, it's just I think it'd be best if I get a proper talk with Kacey and her mum. Kacey wants to speak to you but I think it would be better if we gave her a chance to calm down a bit first.”

“Of course.”

Sebastian nodded too.

“Will you tell her it's okay? She doesn't need to feel bad about it. I feel terrible.”

“You don't need to feel terrible either,” assured Rachel. “This isn't your fault.”

“You will tell her though? I don't want her worrying about us when she's so upset. Will you tell her it's really okay?”

Rachel nodded and promised that she would. Mark knew things weren't okay at all and suspected Rachel knew the same. Seb was doing what he always did and putting on a front to get through the things he had to. Just as Kacey did in her own way. Mark knew Sebastian's empathy came from that understanding of what you had to do just to get through life. He had been at the lowest of lows and didn't want anyone else to go through that, even if it meant pushing down his own hurt to help them.

Mark didn't want Seb to hurt though. He could feel the roof falling in on them and though he blamed neither Kacey nor Rachel, Mark thought they too needed space. It might be better to go straight home, but instead they agreed to waiting and walked away to go down to the bustling café on the ground floor of the hospital, sitting in near silence with their coffee and nothing good to say.

  
  


  
  


Well over an hour had passed. Their coffees were cold and barely touched in front of them. Mark put his hand over Sebastian's.

“Sweetheart...”

“I jinxed us.”

Mark frowned.

“What?”

“Painting the nursery. I jinxed us.”

“Oh Seb,” sighed Mark. “No darling.”

“I got ahead of myself. I thought it was a done deal.”

Mark shook his head.

“No sweetheart it's just paint. It doesn't mean anything. Kacey's just a poor mixed-up kid. She tries to be tough, but on the inside she's just a kid in a hell of a mess. I don't think we can imagine what she's going through.”

“I don't blame her Liebling.”

“No darling. Neither do I.”

Sebastian sighed and looked down at his cold coffee for a minute before looking back to Mark.

“She's not going to change her mind is she?”

Mark puffed out a long breath.

“I don't know. Probably not to be honest. She obviously has doubts about being able to look after her, but when it comes down to it Rosie is her baby and it doesn't matter how young or ill-equipped to cope Kacey is, her baby is her baby and there's a bond there I don't suppose she could imagine existing before she had her.”

“I don't want to try to talk Kacey out of keeping her,” stated Seb firmly.

“No darling of course not. I suspect she'd only change her mind again down the line. No, it is what it is.”

Sebastian took in a breath and closed his eyes as he pushed out the breath to try to stay calm.

“Sweetheart do you want to go outside and get some fresh air?” offered Mark worrying at how Seb was struggling.

Seb reopened his eyes and shook his head.

“No we should go back up. Find out if she is ready to see us.”

Mark still wasn't sure they might not be better going home, but they had told Rachel they would stay and hard as this was, it probably was better at least to check how things were and deal with it now.

“Okay.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


They had only just walked into the reception area of the maternity ward when Rachel appeared through the door leading to the corridor.

“Oh I was just coming to look for you.” She stepped in closer. “How are you doing?”

“Is Kacey alright?” asked Seb. “Is her mum here?”

Rachel nodded.

“Yes her mum's with her now. Come through.”

 

She asked the nurse to let them back in and walked them past the hospital room door back down to the far waiting room again where they stood rather than sitting.

“I'm afraid Kacey hasn't changed her mind,” Rachel announced.

“We weren't expecting she would,” stated Mark. “It's alright. We've no intention of trying to tell her she should.”

“She's Rosie's mother,” added Seb. “She should be with her. We'd never feel right taking the baby away if that isn't what Kacey wants.”

Rachel nodded.

“Mm. Okay. I'm sorry. I just don't think she had fully appreciated her own feelings. That is why we have to give them time to make decisions and allow time for them to change their minds, especially new mothers when hormones really are all over the place. Perhaps I shouldn't have agreed to you spending so much time with her, but...” Rachel sighed and shook her head. “She did keep on insisting.”

“It's alright Rach,” offered Mark. “We understand.”

Rachel looked at them, hoping that was true. She couldn't help thinking she must have handled this all badly for this to happen seemingly out of the blue, causing so much upset all round.

“What's the situation now?” enquired Seb.

“Well I've been talking to Kacey and her mum about how they might manage. Social services can talk to her work about organising some proper time off for Kara to help Kacey looking after the baby and get Kacey some more tutoring. Laura is coming in to talk to them as well. We're going to try to give them as much support as possible.”

Seb nodded and though it broke his heart to say it, he did.

“It's better for the baby to be with her mother isn't it?”

Rachel gave a little nod back.

“If at all possible, yes. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay.”

Mark took a deep breath, wanting to get this over with.

“Does she still want to see us or would we be better off coming another day or... well, not at all?” he enquired.

“No she wants to see you. If you're okay to do that?”

“Yeah we can see her, right sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“I want her to know it's okay.”

“Alright then, you'd better come through.”

  
  


They walked back into the room, Kara now perched on the bed beside her daughter who still held the baby firmly in her arms. Her eyes were puffy, but she seemed calmer and the baby was asleep. Seb and Mark didn't sit down, instead they stood by the bed.

“Hey,” greeted Mark softly with a nod to Kacey's mother as well. “How're you doing?”

“Kacey's sorry she got so worked up,” apologised Kara on her daughter's behalf.

“Oh hey, no, really. Kacey we just came to say it's all alright, okay?”

Kacey looked at him and Mark wanted to sigh at the fact that she somehow looked younger than ever, none of the make-up or attitude that had masked the real Kacey when they first met her, but there was no point harping on that. Her mother had a hell of a task now, but there was nothing they could do except exit with as much grace as they could muster and try to at least leave Kacey without any guilt about all this when she had more than enough to deal with already.

 

“I didn't mean to lead you on,” explained Kacey. “I really thought it was best, but I just didn't realise. I'm so sorry.”

Mark shook his head and Sebastian stepped in a little closer.

“You don't need to be sorry.”

Kacey looked at him and for a moment it seemed as though she might start crying again. Seb was grateful that she didn't though as he wasn't sure he could keep himself back if she did.

“You're so nice. I know you'd probably be better parents than me,” offered Kacey.

“No no, you're her mother, there's nothing more important than that. You love her.”

Kacey's eyes filled up and she nodded.

 

Sebastian called on all his strength not to cry too. It wasn't fair to make her feel guilty for feeling thing most natural thing in the world. She loved her baby and she wanted to keep her. To try to persuade her not to would feel monstrous.

“It's alright,” soothed Sebastian. “It's fine. This is what's right, okay? You're her mum.”

Kacey looked down at the baby.

“Yeah.”

Mark put his arm back around Seb and gave Kacey a reassuring smile.

“We just wanted to say that. Okay? Don't worry about us. You don't need to be sorry. You haven't done anything wrong. We just wanted to make sure you're alright and wish you all the best.”

“You're going to make a great mum,” asserted Seb.

Kacey looked at him and shrugged one shoulder.

“You will,” Seb insisted. “You love her. It'll work out.”

“I hope so.”

“It will. And you've got your mum.”

Kara looked at him and Seb managed a little smile for her.

“Thank you,” offered Kara.

Sebastian shook his head.

Kacey glanced to the book on the bedstand.

“Do you want your book back?”

“Oh no Kacey Liebling, no that's yours. I hope you can use it, plant some nice flowers in your yard, yeah?”

Kacey nodded.

“Thanks.”

“Don't give up will you? You're a fighter Kacey, fight for your dreams and don't let anyone tell you they're not possible or they're wrong. Think how proud Rosie will be to have a mum who works in a flower shop or who makes beautiful things grow. You've already made something beautiful and we know you'll take such good care of her.”

Sebastian stopped. He knew it wasn't really his place to say any of that, but he didn't care. He was sure this was the last time he would see them and if he could take nothing else good from this then it would be something to know he had at least encouraged Kacey to reach higher and impart a little self-belief.

Kacey wiped away a tear and Sebastian hardly knew how he was hanging on. Mark gave his arm a rub and nodded to the little family group on the bed.

“We should get going. Thank you for seeing us and we just wish you all the very best, we really do.”

 

He could see the tension in Seb's face so Mark gave him the slightest of pulls to encourage him to walk away. There was nothing more to be said and staying staring at the baby that wasn't going to be theirs was only torturing themselves. Rachel opened the door for them and they walked towards it. Just as they were about to step outside, Kacey spoke up.

“I will try.”

Sebastian blinked hard before turning around to look at her, fixing a smile back onto his face.

“I know you will.”

“For her. I'll try for her sake. I know everyone will think I can't look after her and I can't do anything with my life, but I will try.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Show them they're all wrong, alright kiddo?” advised Mark. “Show them they're wrong.”

“I will.”

“Good. Take care then.”

“Good luck,” offered Seb.

“Thanks.”

  
  


Sebastian continued to smile until he stepped outside the room when the smile fell away. Rachel was talking to them but he could barely hear her. He felt sick.

“So if I call you, perhaps arrange to see you later in the week?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark blankly.

“I'm so sorry this has turned out this way, for your sake I mean.”

Mark just gave a little shake of his head. He couldn't see what good going to talk to Rachel about this would do, but agreeing would mean they could leave now.

The door behind them opened and Kara appeared in the corridor. For the briefest of moments both Seb and Mark allowed themselves to think that Kacey might have had a change of heart, but Kara simply gave them a nod.

“I just wanted to catch you to say thank you for being so kind to her.”

Mark shook his head.

“That's okay. We really do wish you all the best.”

“I hope you do find one,” offered Kara. “A baby I mean. I'm sure you'd make good parents, just...”

“It's okay.”

“Right, well... I should go back in.”

Kara disappeared back into the room and Mark could tell Sebastian was struggling to hang on.

“We need to go Rach.”

“Of course. I'll be in touch.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

  
  


They walked away through long bland hospital corridors filled with signs pointing in all directions and medical staff going about their business, visitors and patients. Seb and Mark barely looked at any of them. Seb felt like a zombie, incapable of feeling or thinking. Mark kept his arm around him, steering them on, worrying at how quiet and pale Seb was. They hardly exchanged a word all the way to the car. As they got in Mark took the driver seat knowing Seb was in no state to drive, he turned to Seb trying to think what to say.

“Sweetheart I'm so sorry.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. It just is.”

Mark sighed, still trying to find something helpful to say, but there was nothing.

“I just want to go home Liebling please,” appealed Seb.

“Okay,” Mark replied quietly.

He started the engine and they drove away from the hospital.

Sebastian cried the entire journey home, silent heart-broken tears that neither of them could do anything to stop.

  
  


  
  


 

When they arrived home the dogs rushed to meet them the moment they stepped inside the front door, but Seb wasn't in the mood. He wiped at his face and looked to Mark as they both automatically removed their coats and shoes.

“Do you want a cup of tea?” offered Mark feeling stupid even as the words left his lips.

Sebastian shook his head.

“I need to use the bathroom.”

He traipsed upstairs and Mark stood abandoned in the hall, the dogs still fussing around his legs. Mark watched Seb going up wondering if he ought to go with him or whether Seb wanted a moment alone to wash his face. Mark distractedly rubbed at the dogs and went into the kitchen. He filled the kettle and switched it on merely for something to do, then went to refill the dogs' bowls. Mark knelt on the floor with Shadow and Simba, stroking over their fur and taking some comfort from the contact. He sighed and looked up to the clock on the wall. This time yesterday they had been so full of optimism and now all that was destroyed. The clock made Mark think of Seb though so he got up and went upstairs, worrying that he had been gone too long.

 

Mark tapped lightly on the set-to bathroom door. Getting no answer he waited a moment and tried again, then he pushed the door open only to find that the room was empty. There was an acrid smell in the air though and Mark's heart sank even further as he realised that Seb must have thrown up. He opened the window to freshen the bathroom, then went to their bedroom, expecting to find him lying on the bed. But Seb wasn't there either. Mark worried for a moment that somehow he could have missed Sebastian going outside to get some air, but then he stepped back out onto the landing and walked along, past the door to the room that used to be Sebastian's bedroom so long ago, on to the room where yesterday afternoon they had been so happy as they painted it: The nursery.

 

He opened the door and Mark felt as though his chest actually caved in at the sight that met him. Sebastian was sat on the floor, his back to the door. He was facing towards the rocking chair by the window and even before Mark reached him he could see that Seb was sobbing his heart out.

All Mark could do was go to sit beside him. Seb looked at him, blue eyes wet and his face a picture of desolation. Neither of them said a word. There were no words to be said. Instead Mark fitted his arms around him and held Seb in as they sat there on the floor of that room lovingly painted the perfect shade of yellow. Mark leaned his forehead into Sebastian's temple and he was crying too. Nothing to be done now but cry.

  
  


 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Primrose path: definition; A course of action that seems easy and appropriate but can actually end in calamity."
> 
> There are other interpretations, but this is the one that fits here. Oh dear.


	190. Christmas Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so rather than leaving it too long after their bump to the floor with the last chapter, like them I am pressing on.

 

* * *

  


 

The following days were far, far too quiet. Rachel had rung and though they had no expectations that it would to tell them that Kacey had changed her mind, it still hurt to hear that she had not. All they could do was politely assure her that they understood and agree to go in to see her early on the Friday afternoon. Thus they sat in the familiar office drinking tea as Rachel went over everything again, as if it made any difference. Neither of them really wanted to be there, but when she apologised yet again for the way things had turned out for them Mark shook his head.

“Rachel...” He sighed not knowing what else to say. What was the point in recriminations? They wouldn't help. “We knew this was how it could go.”

“Well yes, but I'm not sure it was handled as well as it might have been. If I'd had any hint Kacey was feeling unsure about things then I wouldn't have encouraged you to spend so much time with her and the baby.”

Mark puffed a breath and shrugged.

“You didn't know. I don't think she did until it came to it did she?”

“No I suppose not.”

“And if it had worked out wouldn't it have been better for both us and the baby that we were familiar with each other a bit?”

Rachel sighed and nodded.

“Yes. That was what I was thinking, but... well anyway.”

 

Sebastian looked up from his tea that nursing in his hands as it went cold.

“How is she doing? Are we allowed to ask?”

“Kacey?”

“Rosie too. All of them I guess.”

“They're doing okay.”

“Have they gone home from the hospital now?”

Mark sighed and looked to Seb.

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment and pushed out a calming breath. He knew he shouldn't be continuing to think about them all the time, but he couldn't stop himself.

“I just want to know they're okay,” insisted Sebastian feeling dangerously as if he wanted to cry. He'd felt this way ever since Kacey had made her shock announcement. No amount of logically telling himself it was over and he needed to get past it helped. Not that Mark ever said anything like that. When they'd tried talking Mark was his usual supportive self, and Seb knew he had suffered the same disappointment, but it didn't really help either of them feel any better.

“It's okay,” soothed Rachel. “Yes Kacey and Rosie are home with her mother and they're doing well.”

“Thank you,” Sebastian replied quietly. “I know I should just let it go but...”

He gave the tiniest of shrugs and Rachel nodded. They weren't okay. That much was obvious.

“That's alright,” she assured. “You care. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact there's a lot right with that.”

“I just...” Sebastian sighed heavily again. “I just wish there was something we could do to help.”

“Seb,” intervened Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“I know. I know, okay? I don't mean expecting anything back from them. I don't mean giving them something to get Kacey to change her mind. That wouldn't be right. I just mean I wish we could do something for them, give them some money to help them out, give them a better future. Just to make life a little easier for them.”

 

Rachel took a deep breath and sat forwards a little.

“Seb that does you credit, but you know it's not appropriate.”

“It would be totally no strings. Nothing expected back, not even a postcard. I'd just feel better to help.”

Rachel shook her head.

“I'm sorry Seb but it isn't permitted.”

“But we have so much and they have so little.”

“We're trying to give them all the help we can to support them.”

“I just wish I could give them a cheque. I know money isn't everything but...”

“Seb they aren't your responsibility.”

 

Sebastian looked down, he could feel himself getting close to spilling over, but it was so hard to control. It didn't matter that logically he knew none of that was possible. He couldn't stop his heart wanting to at least do something. Mark reached to put his hand over Sebastian's and Seb took an uneven breath in before looking back to Rachel.

“I know, okay? I know I can't do that. I know it's not allowed. I just... I just wish I could that's all.”

His voice rose as he spoke and Seb himself didn't know if he was angry or upset at the stupid rules that prevented them from helping a family who really needed all the help they could get, or whether it was really just frustration over what had happened.

“I wouldn't expect anything back,” he repeated, his voice definitely wobbling now.

 

Mark put his drink down and put his arm around Seb. They'd had this conversation more than once at home. He wished they could do something for them too, but if they wanted to adopt they had to stick within the system. If they broke the rules then they could find themselves locked out when they had fought so long to be accepted and then where would they be?

Sebastian stared down at the mug in his hand. He blinked hard and took some steadying breaths. He knew it did no good saying all this. He understood why the rules existed even if he thought that in this case they were wrong, but Seb still wanted to say how he felt. Sat in their nice big house in the countryside with their pool and their gym and everything else, Sebastian couldn't help feeling guilty as he imagined Kacey going back to her mother's tiny council house. He wondered if they even had a spare room to make into a nursery. He and Mark had so many spare rooms they'd had their pick. Yesterday Seb found himself standing at the kitchen window staring into the garden. It was so big. They didn't really need all that space, not all of it. He wished he could chop a bit off and give it to Kacey. Seb knew that wasn't possible either. It wasn't logical, but he wasn't feeling very logical right now.

 

As Mark rubbed over his arm Sebastian took a calming breath and looked to him.

“I'm sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's alright sweetheart.”

Seb took another deep breath and looked to Rachel.

“I'm sorry Rachel. I know that's not possible. I do understand. I don't want to put you in that position, I'm sorry.”

“That's okay. I understand that this must have been very upsetting for you. I'm sorry that your hopes were raised so high and then...”

Sebastian shook his head and attempted a smile, not entirely succeeding.

“No Kacey is Rosie's mother. It's right that she is with her. I'm glad they've gone home. It's the best thing for them.”

Mark nodded giving Seb a little squeeze in.

“It's best she said when she did. It would have been far worse if it had come further down the line,” he noted.

Rachel nodded.

“Yes, though I appreciate that doesn't make it easier for you. Perhaps I rushed things? Particularly seeing as I brought the case immediately after the one before.”

Mark shrugged.

“What were you meant to do Rachel? Kacey was about to have the baby. Things happen when they happen.”

“Yes I suppose so. I'm afraid planning things out in this job is almost impossible at times, but nevertheless I am sorry that you have had to go through this. Going through the adoption process can be very stressful and I know that this must have been very hard on you. Would you like to talk about it?”

Sebastian's face was set, too busy concentrating on remaining steady to be able to talk, so Mark shook his head.

“It's not going to change anything is it?”

“No, but I do want to try to support you. I am sorry that I couldn't spend more time with you the other day.”

“We just wanted to go home anyway,” admitted Mark.

“Of course, but do you want to talk about it now? Or anything else? Anything I can try to help with?”

 

Neither of them replied as Mark and Seb were busier looking at one another, Mark peering in a little, worrying about Seb getting upset. Mark gave Seb's arm another rub, knowing how hard this was for him. He knew Seb couldn't just sit here and talk through what had happened without getting upset and if that happened then Seb would only be more upset at home afterwards, worrying about the consequences of revealing how badly this hurt. No more could Mark tell Rachel how depressed it left them feeling, how hard it was to try to find ways stay positive for fear of free-falling. He couldn't tell her how he wanted to kick something across the room and yell out of sheer frustration and how he could never do that for fear of how such an outburst would distress Sebastian and how guilty Mark would feel as a consequence. Fresh air, activity, home and the dogs, that was how they got through, sticking together and not forcing themselves to go over and over something they could do nothing about.

 

Rachel took a deep breath seeing she was getting no response and made a decision.

“Look, I think the best thing would be to take a break. Christmas is coming up. I think it would do you good just to take some time and then we can come back in January and have another meeting then.”

Sebastian's head shot around to look at her.

“We don't want to give up,” he protested.

“No I don't mean that. Just to have a bit of time. You've given an awful lot to this lately and it can get a bit much.”

Mark sighed.

“Maybe it would do us good to have a break?”

“I don't want to stop looking,” insisted Sebastian.

“I'm not going to stop looking,” Rachel intervened. “I promise you that, okay?”

“You'll call us if a suitable case comes up?” he checked.

“I will, okay?”

“We don't want to stop trying,” agreed Mark, knowing how the very idea would feel like a setback and they couldn't take much more of that right now. “If something comes up that might be a match, you'll still call us?”

Rachel nodded.

“I will. I give you my word, but in the meantime I think it would do you good to have some time to yourselves, have some time at home, maybe see family?” She looked at Seb particularly, trying to see if he was okay. “Do you have plans over Christmas?”

Sebastian nodded.

“We going to see my family.”

“That sounds nice.”

“But you'd still call us?” he checked.

“Of course. I am definitely still looking for you, hopefully for a case that would have a rather more certain outcome, but right now I don't have any suitable matches and I know parenting classes wind down at this time of year as so many people are too busy, so I assure you that just taking a bit of time to relax and step back, just a fraction, doesn't mean you would be missing out. Okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb.

“Good. Just do whatever makes you happy for a while. That would be my advice. Then when we come back in January we can have a bit of a re-set and work out where we go from here. I promise that I will do all that I can to find you a match. I know that repeated knock-backs can be hard to take, but I don't want it to put you off.”

“We're not put off,” asserted Mark. “We want it as much as ever, don't we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“It's all we want,” he added.

Mark gave Seb a little squeeze.

“I think like you say Rachel, if there's any chance of a more certain match that would be good.”

“We just want to find one,” insisted Seb, not wanting them to be discounted in any scenario.

 

Rachel nodded back. She got the impression that right now they wanted it a little too much. She knew that wasn't fair on them, and it was hard to be told to calm things down and step back when it was their dreams they were talking about, but it was only too obvious that this had been a distressing experience for them.

“This doesn't mean stopping,” she assured. “Just a little break for Christmas and we'll come back in a few weeks or so to meet and see where we're at, okay?”

“Okay.”

Seb looked to Mark and he nodded too.

“Yeah okay Rach. You're due a break as well aren't you?”

“Oh that's not why I'm suggesting it,” defended Rachel.

Mark shook his head.

“Of course not. That's not what I meant. I mean you deserve a break. We've all put a lot into this lately and maybe we will feel better coming back after a rest, go at it full-tilt again when we're in a better state to do so all round.”

“Right, yes absolutely,” agreed Rachel.

Mark turned to check with Seb more quietly. “How does that sound sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded. He did feel tired. Even though they had hardly done anything over the past couple of days it felt as as they had hardly stopped since the end of the season. They really did need a break, though Seb wasn't sure how easy he would find it to really relax with all this on his mind. It wasn't as simple as switching it all off until the new year. Seb knew Rachel was trying her best though and she worked harder than anyone. He looked to her and nodded again for her benefit.

“Of course. And you do deserve a break Rachel. We appreciate all you do. When are you due some holiday?”

Rachel smiled.

“Thank you. Not until Christmas Eve actually, but I will be glad to get a bit of time off, not that I won't still be on call of course.”

“Really?”

“Yep, I have to be, just in case of emergencies.”

“Oh right, of course.”

“No egg-nog for you then?” offered Mark, trying to lighten the tone a little.

Rachel huffed a little laugh.

“No, though to be honest I've really no idea what that is.”

“Me either actually. It's glühwein we get at Seb's folks, isn't it darling?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. That's more like mulled wine.”

“Ah. That sounds nice,” smiled Rachel. “Well I hope you get to enjoy that.”

“Thanks.”

“Okay, well look. I think the best thing is to leave it a bit and if nothing crops up in the meantime if I email you in the new year. How would that be?”

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

 

Sebastian nodded as well. He wanted to ask her to promise again that she would call them if anything did come up, but she had already done so and he did want to sound hysterical about it as that would surely only make her think they ought to leave things even longer while he calmed down.

“Thank you Rachel.”

“Alright, well until then.”

She paused and stood up and Seb and Mark realised that was their cue to leave, so they stood up too, offering out their hands to shake hers.

“Thanks, hope you have a nice Christmas if we don't see you,” offered Mark.

“Thank you and likewise,” she replied.

“Thanks Rachel,” added Seb. “Sorry I got a bit...”

“No no, don't worry. It's fine. Enjoy your break and we'll all come back refreshed hopefully.”

“Thank you.”

 

She showed them out and with last goodbyes Seb and Mark walked away, pulling their winter coats on as they waited for the lift. They waited until they got into the lift before turning and putting their arms around each other. Seb closed his eyes as Mark pulled him in close and took a deep breath before lifting away.

“Sorry Liebling.”

“What for?” frowned Mark.

“Getting so worked up in there. Poor Rachel. God knows what she must think of me.”

Mark shook his head.

“No sweetheart. She just thinks you care, that's all.”

“I really do wish we could help them.”

“I know darling.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded.

“I guess she's right we need a break.”

“Yeah.”

 

The lift doors opened and they crossed the lobby to go outside. The air was sharp and cold, but the sky was clear above. It was the kind of winter's day that usually made you feel good about the season. Sebastian tried to think what might help them feel a little better. He slipped his hand into Mark's and gave it a squeeze.

“Do you want to maybe get out somewhere this afternoon Liebling? Maybe go somewhere in the car with the dogs, find a nice place to walk them?”

Mark gave Seb a smile for trying so hard when he knew Seb was struggling.

“That sounds nice. Good day for it. We've still not done the tree though? Don't you want to sort that out finally?”

Sebastian wanted to say he wasn't in the mood. He didn't even really know why he kept putting off decorating the house for Christmas, but somehow it felt as though it was only emphasising what their family lacked; the one gift they really wanted this Christmas. Seb knew that wasn't fair on Mark though, especially when he was only doing his best to cheer them up. He returned Mark's smile, knowing it did no good to wallow and only make both of them miserable.

“Why don't we do that tomorrow morning?” Seb proposed. “Then we can go get a tree first thing and have the whole day to sort it all out.”

Mark nodded.

“Sure. Right you are then, that's a plan, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

  


As they climbed into the car Sebastian leaned over and kissed Mark on the cheek.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Hm?”

“For being you. You never make me feel bad for, you know...”

Mark looked back at him.

“For caring?”

“I know you care too. I don't mean to be so self-centred about it all.”

“Darling you're not.” Mark put his hand on Seb's arm. “You're not self-centred.” He let out a sigh at how Seb still put himself down. “It's not selfish to have feelings. To experience them intensely. You've got to stop apologising for who you are. I love you. _You_ darling, not some version of you you think you're supposed to be. I've told you this before. Don't you believe me?”

“Of course I believe you,” assured Seb.

“Do you think I'm just being nice?” Mark challenged.

Sebastian sighed.

“Well you are nice. Not nice. I guess that's not the right word. Kind.”

Mark shrugged.

“Doesn't mean what I say I don't believe in.”

“Okay,” Seb replied quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I just don't want you to think I'm so absorbed in how I'm feeling I don't care about how you feel.”

“I don't think that.” Mark lowered his face in closer to Seb's to look directly into his eyes. “Darling I don't think that. You're upset by what happened. You're disappointed. So am I and it hurts all the more because there's nothing we can do about it. We can't try to change Kacey's mind. We're not allowed to do anything to help them. We can't ask Rachel to magic up another baby. There's nothing we can do and that hurts and it's frustrating and...” Mark sighed and shook his head. “It just sucks. And to pretend otherwise does neither of us any good. I'm not asking you to pretend to feel any way other than how you do.”

“How do you feel?” asked Seb.

“I feel pretty shitty,” Mark admitted.

Sebastian pouted and leaned in to put his arms around Mark's neck, pressing his cheek in against Mark's.

“I love you so much Liebling,” Seb whispered.

Mark turned his head to kiss Seb's cheek, then brushed it with his knuckle as he sat back.

“Okay, so there's nothing we can really do right now other than wait, so let's at least do what Rachel said and have a break and see if there's anything we can do just to make us feel a little better for a while?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah okay.”

“Why don't we go out on the downs,” suggested Mark. “Find a nice big open space and throw sticks as far as we can throw them, yell our lungs out in the cold air and just...”

“Get it out of our system?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“I don't think it quite works that way in all honesty sweetheart, but if it feels better for an afternoon I reckon it's worth a go. What d'you say?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah definitely Liebling.”

“Right, let's go home and tell the boys the good news.”

Seb smiled.

“They'll be happy.”

“They will indeed,” agreed Mark.

He started the engine and they set off. The dogs certainly would be happy to have a little trip out and with any luck a bit of that might literally rub off on them.

  


  


  


  


The next morning they returned to the house with a car stuffed full of fir tree. They could have waited for it to be delivered, but now they were finally making an effort to get on with things they didn't want to wait any longer, so they'd taken the estate car they used for ferrying the dogs out in, taken the wire-frame guard down and folded over the back seat from the boot to make as much room as possible. Even so the tip of the tree still poked between the front seats and as Seb drove them home his elbow brushed against it every time he changed gear, but he didn't mind. The smell was nice and he was determined to try to feel a little more Christmassy today.

Once they got home it took the two of them to carry the tree into the house, doing their best not to be tripped up by the dogs coming to investigate as they walked through the hall. As soon as they had it deposited in the lounge Mark took the dogs and shut them in the kitchen, knowing they would make decorating the tree almost impossible. Then he went to the garage to fetch the boxes of decorations while Sebastian assembled the new ones they had bought and they set to work putting the tree up, making sure it was stable before Mark let Seb get on with organising things. Usually he teased Seb for how OCD he was about this, but Mark didn't want to now. Instead Mark just let Seb get on with it, helping where he could by untangling the long chain of lights and making sure nothing was damaged.

  


They worked away, Mark content to follow Seb's bidding as he reached to fix things higher up on the tree and generally doing whatever he asked of him. The atmosphere wasn't as light-hearted as it had been the year before, but it felt better than it had a couple of days earlier and it was good to be busy. Mark was just reattaching a bit of tinsel that had fallen down at the back when he noticed Sebastian by the boxes, unfolding something from tissue paper and staring at it where he knelt. Mark fixed the tinsel back on and came to crouch by him.

Seb had laid out on the carpet the little gingerbread decorations they had bought the year before: two gingerbread men and two gingerbread dogs. A little gingerbread family. Their family. Mark didn't need to ask to know what Seb was thinking. They wanted to add a little gingerbread child.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian looked up and nodded.

“Yeah,” he replied quietly.

“You want to put them on or aren't we up to that yet?”

Seb turned to regard the tree: lights, tinsel, baubles. Time to add the special extras.

“Sure.”

Sebastian carefully picked up the gingerbread decorations and piled them in his hand as he stood to go back over. No moping. They just had to get on with things.

 

By the time they were done that afternoon Sebastian did feel a little lifted. He handed Mark the star to put on the top and Mark stretched up, then laughed.

“Nope, sorry sweetheart, not even I can reach that high. We'll have to get a chair or something.”

Mark went to the kitchen, shooing the dogs back over to their baskets as he collected up one of the chairs from the table and shut the door behind him again. Back in the lounge he placed it by the Christmas tree and looked to Seb who was stood there holding the star.

“Go on then,” Mark prompted.

“Hm?”

“Climb up.”

“Oh.”

Mark smiled at Seb's reticence.

“Do you need a hand?”

Sebastian pulled a face and climbed up onto the wooden chair to get level with the top of the tree that was only a couple of inches lower than the ceiling. He began to reach inwards towards the top point of the tree, then realised the tree was so wide at the base that it was quite a way in and hesitated before leaning over any further.

“Um, actually Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Want me to do it?”

“No just, can you hold onto me?”

Mark nodded.

“Sure. You'll never get any objection from me on that.”

Seb smiled back.

“I might just topple in on it otherwise.”

“Right you are.”

Mark stepped in closer and wrapped his arms around Seb's middle so he could lean inwards. Mark peered upwards to watch Seb reaching to fix on the star.

“Got it?”

“Yep, just hang on. Yeah. Done it!”

Mark huffed another little laugh at how triumphant Seb sounded.

“Good stuff.”

 

Sebastian moved to climb down but Mark kept a hold of him and Seb shook his head as Mark insisted on lifting him bodily off the chair and slowly lowering him down by letting Seb slide down in his arms until his feet touched the ground, their bodies still pressed in together.

“You're so light,” commented Mark. “How are you always so light? No wonder Adrian bloody loves you.”

Seb could only shrug a shoulder. He hadn't much felt like eating lately. He looked at Mark, then gave him a little smile.

“Are you going to let me go?”

Mark looked as if pondering the question, then gave a little shake of his head.

“Hmm. No I don't think so.”

“Liebling.”

“Hm?”

Sebastian was about to say Mark should release him, but then he changed his mind and just gave a little shake of his head before stretching up enough to kiss Mark. Mark kissed him back then finally loosened his hold on Seb so they could look at the tree.

“Very nice darling,” Mark praised.

“The star's not wonky is it?” checked Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“Nope. We're good.”

Sebastian smiled feeling a little pleased with himself.

“It always seems to take forever. It's three o'clock already.”

“Meh, so what? If a job's worth doing.”

Seb indicated over to the second box which held all the decorations for the rest of the house.

“We've got all that to do yet.”

“Hmm, well what say we leave that until tomorrow?”

“Unless you want to crack on, get it done?”

“No it's okay. Maybe we should take the dogs out before it gets dark.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah I reckon that's better, then we could come back, light the fire and do the official switching on.”

Seb leaned into his side looking back at the tree.

“Is there an official ceremony?”

“Absolutely. Celebrity flicking the switch and everything,” teased Mark.

“Who would that be?”

“You.”

“Psh. I'm not a celebrity,” argued Seb.

“Are you not? Damn. Have to be me then.”

“Are you a celebrity?”

Mark shrugged.

“It's either one of us or the dogs and I'm not convinced we should encourage them to play with electricity.”

Sebastian sighed and shook his head. Mark was being silly to cheer him up. All of this was designed to cheer him up, Seb was sure. They had to keep trying, keep busy or Seb knew they would fall back down that well of despair and then Christmas really would be ruined.

“Okay Liebling you can do it.”

“Will you give me a round of applause?”

Sebastian nodded so Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Great. Come on then, let's release the poor hounds from the kitchen and reward them with a walk.”

  


  


An hour later they were back in pretty much the same spot, still warming up from being outdoors in the freezing cold. It was pretty much dark out now so they went to close the curtains then went back to the tree.

“Right, shall I do honours then?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded so Mark went to find the trailing cable for the Christmas tree lights and fed it along the floor by the skirting board to reach a spare plug socket. As he got to it Mark paused, realising that it had a safety cover inserted, designed so little fingers couldn't pry inside and injure themselves. Just one of the many things they had done to make the house child-proof. Mark hid a sigh and pulled it out of the socket, hoping that Seb hadn't noticed. He plugged the lights in then turned to Seb.

“You ready?”

“Yep.”

“Righto. Switch the main light off then.”

“Oh yeah.”

Sebastian went to turn the light off then returned to his spot in front of the coffee table. Mark flicked the plug switch on, already looking towards the tree.

“Oohh!” exclaimed Seb obediently.

Mark smiled and huffed a laugh as he got up to go join him. He went to stand behind Seb, wrapping his arms around his waist and setting his chin on Seb's shoulder.

“It looks great darling. Well done.”

Seb smiled and nodded.

“We both did it.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian gazed at the little lights reflecting off the shiny baubles. It did look pretty. The little gingerbread family hung prominently in the middle and he stared at them for a moment. They didn't have what they wanted, but what they had was still good. Seb leaned his cheek into Mark's and they simply stood there for a while admiring the tree. Seb still felt strangely emotional, as if he could cry at any moment even when he was really quite happy and grateful for what he had.

Mark kissed his cheek.

“Fancy lighting the fire to complete the picture?” he proposed.

Sebastian nodded and Mark let go of him.

“I know, why don't you make us some of that special German hot-chocolate you do?” suggested Mark. “You fancy doing that while I make up the fire?”

“Sure.”

“Great. Don't let the dogs through will you?”

“I'll be careful.”

  


Ten minutes later Sebastian returned with two full steaming mugs of hot-chocolate to find the fire blazing in the grate and Mark setting the fire-guard closed in front of it. Mark stood to take the offered mug from Seb and blew on it before taking a sip.

“Thank you sweetheart.”

They sat on the sofa together, drinking quietly.

“The boys looked a bit sad,” commented Sebastian.

“Are they feeling neglected?”

“A bit I think.”

Mark shook his head.

“We just took them for a long walk. Demanding things. Okay. After this then.”

  


They sat down on the sofa to let themselves feel cosy, then when they finished their drinks they took the empty mugs through to the kitchen. As Seb gave them a quick rinse at the sink Mark ducked down in front of the dogs in their baskets, speaking to them very quietly.

“Okay, you can come through, but if you spoil the Christmas tree I'll kill you, do you hear?”

Both dogs looked back at him with big brown eyes and Mark sighed as he gave them a stroke.

“Alright, not actually kill, you know I don't mean that, but I'll be very unimpressed and you'll make Seb sad. Please don't make him sad boys. I'm counting on you.”

Sebastian came over to join him.

“Are you telling them to be good?”

Mark nodded and gave Shadow and Simba another stroke.

“You're going to be good boys for me aren't you? Yeah? Good.”

The dogs fussed into him and Mark looked to Seb.

“Right sweetheart, if we take one each?”

“Sure.”

  


They each took a hold of a dog by the collar and walked them into the lounge, stopping a few feet away from the Christmas tree and ducking down alongside them. Mark looked at the dogs very firmly.

“It is for looking at and _not_ touching. Do you understand? Do, not, touch.”

Both dogs were straining a little to move forwards and Mark wasn't entirely convinced he had their attention when there were exciting sparkly things in front of them.

“You hold them a sec,” he requested.

Seb took hold of Simba's collar as well while Mark went to kneel in front of them, holding up a finger as he looked to be sure that they were still now.

“You do not damage the Christmas tree,” he instructed.

Naturally the dogs made no reply, so Mark pointed at the tree, waggled his finger, then pointed at the carpet in front of the fire.

“You have a lie down there and be good boys.”

“Shall I let go?” checked Seb.

“Yeah I reckon.”

Sebastian tentatively release his grip on the dogs' collars and Mark pointed again to the floor to the side. The dogs were still looking at the tree, but Mark shook his head.

“Here.”

He pointed at the floor and the dogs seemed to consider their options before giving in and going to lie down as he told them to.

“Good boys,” he praised, giving them a rub, then looking back to Seb. “I'll go get them a treat. You keep an eye on them.”

  


Sebastian stayed stroking the dogs, sat in front of the fire.

“Good boys, thank you.”

Seb stared at their gingerbread counterparts once more, then back to the real dogs and gave them a smile.

“I do love you you know. You mean an awful lot to us.”

The dogs looked up at him and Sebastian stroked over their fur.

“We'll just have a nice quiet Christmas. It'll be alright.”

Mark came back through and gave the dogs a couple of treats before passing them each one of their Christmas toys. They sat with them a moment giving back a little affection before Mark gave them a nod.

“Now, lie down boys.”

The dogs obediently lay down on the floor, chewing at their toys. Sebastian turned from them to Mark.

“Can we do the same?”

“What, get some chew-toys?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“No. Lie down.”

“Ah.” Mark smiled and nodded. “If you like. Here on the sofa?”

“Yes please Liebling.”

“You want to put a film on?”

Sebastian paused then shook his head.

“No just... just _be_ for a bit.”

 

Mark was going to make a joke about them having worn themselves out doing the tree, but he decided against it and stood, offering Seb a hand to stand up. They went to the sofa and lay down together. They got comfortable with a cushion to prop them up slightly at one end and squashed in together. At first Seb lay facing Mark, but then he turned and swivelled around to face out, as they did when watching the television like this, only this time they were simply looking at the tree and the fire. It felt peaceful and it was nice to be cosy and cuddled up together.

Mark looked out to the dogs, silently thanking them for being so well-behaved. Maybe they'd tired them out with their walk, or perhaps they were being lulled by the warmth from the fire? It might be a combination of the two, or even that they really had understood him and knew that that what might seem just a little thing as a Christmas tree really did matter. Mark was glad they had done it. Seb not being so excited about Christmas genuinely made Mark sad, but at least today had made up for it a little. Mark watched the way Sebastian was gazing out, the light from the fire and the decorations glinting in his eyes. He just wanted to make Seb happy, for them both to be happy, but the one thing that would do that was currently out of reach and it seemed no amount of trying brought it closer. They couldn't force this. They couldn't work harder and _make_ it happen. It just didn't work that way.

Sebastian was doing his best not to think about any of that. He was trying to switch his brain off, to let himself be hypnotised by those little lights. Thinking too much only hurt right now. It did no good thinking how if things had gone differently they could have had a baby with them this very moment. It only tortured him to imagine how it would feel to show a baby the Christmas tree and to put presents beneath it for them. He had to stop thinking about things like that. Then he got upset and Seb knew how that upset Mark too. He must have given such a terrible impression to Rachel. Seb worried that she must have seen how badly he had handled their disappointment. It must have been bad for her to send them away and basically tell them to come back in a month when they had calmed down. He did need to calm down though, Seb knew that. If only he could be of a more even temperament and control his emotions better. He felt calm now. This felt nice. Nice wasn't nothing. It wasn't all he longed for, but it wasn't nothing.

A year ago they weren't married and Seb was still really only just getting over his accident. A year before that he and Mark weren't even together which seemed so strange to think of now. A year before that... No he wasn't going to think of then. Three years ago Sebastian would never have dared dream of a moment like this; lying in Mark's arms, his husband's arms, safe and warm and loved. Sebastian closed his eyes. So stupid. Now he felt like crying again.

 

Sebastian took in a deep calming breath and Mark felt it. He raised his head a fraction to look at him.

“You okay sweetheart?”

Seb opened his eyes and nodded up at him.

“Yeah. This is nice.”

“Good.”

Sebastian turned his body into Mark's so he could look at him properly.

“I love you Liebling.”

Mark smiled and pulled Seb closer in.

“I love you too darling.”

Sebastian settled his head on the cushion only an inch from Mark's. For a moment they just looked into one another's eyes, then Mark spared a hand from holding onto him to stroke over Seb's hair.

“We'll just have a nice Christmas, alright sweetheart?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah.”

“A few days with your folks.”

“Mm.” Seb paused. “You know we really should go to your parent's one time.”

“Yeah, I know they'd like that, but it's not so easy just to pop over there.”

“No guess not. Maybe we could go for a Christmas and New Year?”

“That'd be good.”

“They're not annoyed are they? That we're going to mine again?” checked Sebastian.

“No darling. They understand.”

“Your family are so nice. I wish we could just magic between places.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Me too.”

“We'll go out early before my race in March,” Seb offered. “I mean if you want to.”

“Course. Yeah we'll do that,” agreed Mark. “Don't worry about it though darling. My folks are used to me just being a long way off. They don't get offended we can't go that often.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian gave Mark a kiss. He really did wish they could magic them between places. It would make their whole lives so much better.

“We've got your thing to go to as well,” noted Seb.

“Hm?”

“The FIA Gala.”

“Ah. Yeah,” nodded Mark. “You still want to go?”

Sebastian frowned.

“You have to go.”

“I do. You don't.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Liebling. It's to celebrate your win. Of course I'm going. I want to be there with you to see you go up and get your trophy. I hated that I couldn't be there when you won in Bahrain.”

“I hated that too,” concurred Mark. “Okay, good, well I'm glad you'll be with me. Will you wear a bow-tie and everything?”

“I'll wear anything you want.”

Mark chuckled.

“That's a dangerous promise.”

“Why? What would you ask me to wear?”

Mark smiled and raised an eyebrow.

“Not so much wear as not wear,” he teased.

“Tsk, Mark. To the gala?”

“Hmm, yeah okay not the gala, maybe after.”

“Well after it I will wear whatever you want me to wear, or not as the case may be,” promised Seb.

“That is quite the offer darling.”

 

Mark smiled a little more softly as he thought how great it would be to have Seb there to support him. It would make up a little for Bahrain to see Seb applauding him in the crowd.

“I'll be very glad you're there,” he assured.

“Good. I intend to clap very loudly.”

“Ha, thank you.” Mark put his hand by Seb's cheek. “It'll mean a lot. I'll feel very special to have you there supporting me.”

“I wouldn't be anywhere else Liebling.”

Mark moved his hand to brush Seb's hair at the side.

“Well then I guess we'd better get our dinner suits to the dry-cleaners tomorrow then,” he noted.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” echoed Mark.

Sebastian moved to settle in against Mark, shifting to lie more across him, resting the side of his head into Mark's chest and holding on around him. He had so many good things to appreciate. He just had to focus on that.

  


  


 

 

  


Early on the Tuesday evening they stood in their hotel room in the centre of Vienna, each finishing off getting ready for the gala that night. Mark straightened his bow-tie in the mirror then turned and smiled to Sebastian as he pulled on his dinner jacket.

“What d'ya reckon then?”

Sebastian smiled and stepped in.

“James Bond Liebling, always.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Thanks.”

“What about me?” pressed Seb. “James Bond is blonde these days you know.”

“You're far better looking than him.”

Seb had no comeback for that.

“Thanks.”

Mark looked him up and down.

“I thought you said you were going to wear a bow-tie?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I can't just keep it in my pocket?”

Mark opened his mouth to protest that this was the most formal event of the motorsporting year, but Seb headed him off.

“I'm teasing Liebling. Course I will. Can you give me a hand with it?”

“Sure.”

Seb went to fetch his bow-tie and stood there as Mark carefully wound it round his shirt-collar and tied it, fussing a little over getting it perfectly neat.

“We good?” checked Seb.

“Have a look,” Mark prompted.

Sebastian went to the mirror and nodded.

“Great, thanks.” He turned back to Mark. “Are we walking or getting a taxi over?”

Mark shrugged.

“Hm, according to the map it's only five, ten minutes away, but...”

“We might get lost?”

“Well we might,” admitted Mark.

“That won't do,” agreed Seb. “Besides better to arrive in style. I'll ring down, ask them to sort out a car.”

“Righto, thanks.”

  


  


 

Seemingly in no time at all they were climbing out of the arranged car to walk into the incredibly grand setting for the gala. Normally these things were held in a posh hotel but this time they had gone all out and were in a former palace no less. As they went in together Mark leaned in to whisper in Seb's ear.

“FIA, subtle as ever. Nothing like saving a bob or two.”

Sebastian chuckled, then as they walked further in they found themselves ushered in line to wait to have their photographs taken. Both of them would happily have skipped this bit, but it wasn't really avoidable, not when Mark was one of the winners and Porsche would want the publicity. So they obediently stepped up in front of the arranged FIA backdrop. Mark smiled at Seb as they were told where to stand and Sebastian knew he was finding this slightly strange and almost amusing. They never really posed for official photographs as a couple. It felt odd to make a show of them being together, but at the same time Seb wanted the world to know how proud he was to be here with Mark and Mark in turn was more than pleased that Seb was here too. He knew that smiling and posing was far from their minds right now, but it wasn't so hard to slip into work mode and do as they needed to.

There seemed to be quite a few pictures taken and Mark knew that their being together here for the first time would occasion some notice in the papers and they were bound to comment on how times changed, but if they were going to say that then he decided to give them something to show how little he cared. Mark stood with his arm firmly around Seb while Seb in turn fitted his arm around Mark's middle and they both looked defiantly out as if daring anyone to say anything. As they were finishing Mark smiled and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek, not caring if they got that shot too. Let them. _Man kisses husband_. The world could get over it.

  


They headed on in to the main ballroom, meeting yet more organisers efficiently directing people where they needed to go and reminding them where they would be sitting. Mark spotted his boss and went over to speak to him. Andreas greeted them cheerily, unsurprisingly being a good mood to be here celebrating such success for the team. Mark was glad he was friendly towards Seb, seeming unfazed by the idea that one of the main winners tonight was the first to bring his husband as partner.

“Timo and Brendon are about,” noted Andreas. “I think they went to find their seats.”

“Are we not sat on the grown-up's table?” joked Mark.

“Ha, well I shall merely say you are together.”

“Very diplomatic,” smiled Mark. “Well I'd better say hello. If you'll excuse us.”

“Of course. I'll see you later. Seb, nice to see you here.”

“Thanks.”

  


As they wended their way through the increasing crowds of motorsport personnel, invited media and assorted hangers-on from the FIA, Sebastian smiled as Mark took his hand not to lose him.

“Andreas is nice,” commented Seb.

Mark turned back to look at him from where he had been scanning the room for their friends, looking where they needed to go to find their table.

“Hm? Yes course.”

“He doesn't seem bothered.”

Mark frowned and stopped to look at him.

“Bothered at what?”

“That I'm here.”

“Why would he be?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I dunno. Pictures, media stuff.”

“Of us being together?” Mark puffed a breath. “It's getting on for two years darling. If anyone's only noticing for the first time now they're a little late to the party.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah okay, good point.”

“Oh look, there's Timo.”

  


They walked over and stood to chat with Mark's team-mates, making sure they knew where they were sat for the evening and Mark was all set for the point later on during the ceremony when he would get his moment to be awarded with his prize along with his team-mates for winning the championship this year. Sebastian stood by his side, already looking forward to the moment. It did feel a little strange to be at this event when it wasn't for him winning. It was nice to be here for Mark though. Seb didn't mind being in his shadow. Mr Vettel-Webber. They had the same title and it only felt appropriate that they both bore the title of champion too.

Mark nodded over to another table.

“Lewis is over there.”

Sebastian looked.

“Oh yeah. I should say hello.”

 

He paused and Mark realised that Seb wanted him to go with him, so he excused himself for a moment and they went to chat a little way over, saying polite hellos to others as they passed.

Lewis seemed in good spirits, telling them all about his skiing plans over the break.

“I can't believe you guys went last year and didn't tell me,” smiled Lewis.

“Ah well, you know,” shrugged Seb.

Lewis flicked his eyebrows up.

“Jenson tells me it was your honeymoon. I hadn't clicked.”

“We just felt like doing something different, didn't we Liebling?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark. “Nice to keep busy.”

Lewis laughed and shook his head.

“I've no doubt you did.”

Mark rolled his eyes at the inference.

“Not sat you next to your team-mate Lewis?” he teased in revenge.

“Hmm, guess someone thought it was politic not to,” noted Lewis. “Are you not near me Seb?”

“I'm not here as an F1 driver,” pointed out Seb.

“Oh. Ha, god yeah I spose not.” Lewis laughed. “You know that didn't occur to me.”

“I'm plus one.”

“So you are. How does that feel?”

Seb glanced to Mark.

“It feels great thanks.”

Lewis regarded them a little more softly.

“Of course. Well that's great. Mark, ah man, I've not even said congratulations properly, sorry.”

“No worries, I got your text thanks.”

“Oh well, but still.”

Lewis reached up to give Mark a back-slapping hug and Mark returned it.

“Thanks mate. You've not had a bad year yourself.”

“Yeah all in all,” agreed Lewis.

Mark looked about.

“Have you actually seen Jenson? He texted earlier that he was on his way.”

“Oh umm. I'm sure I've seen him.”

“He's over there with Jess,” pointed out Sebastian, already waving over back where they had come.

“Ah right, well I'll catch him in a bit. I'd better go find Toto and make nice,”commented Lewis.

“Sure.”

  


They went back across to their table, just getting time to say hello to their friends before hints were being given that they needed to start settling down and getting ready for the dinner and the ceremony itself to begin. Both Seb and Mark were well used to these ceremonies, even if previously it had been Sebastian being awarded the champion's trophy whilst Mark took a lesser spot. Now those roles were reversed. Even more so seeing as Seb wasn't here to receive a smaller trophy, but merely here to support Mark. Not that he minded though, not really. It would have been nice to both be here receiving winner's trophies, but Seb knew that had never really been on the cards this year and he was reconciled to how things currently were.

They both enjoyed the chance to chat with friends and colleagues over dinner and sat back through the speeches and other presentations as the FIA showed off all that had been a part of the motorsporting year. It seemed to take forever to get to the WEC presentations and Sebastian leaned in to whisper in Mark's ear beside him.

“You must be up soon.”

Mark gave a tiny nod then leaned to whisper back into Seb's ear.

“I bloody hope so, otherwise I'll be falling asleep.”

Sebastian laughed quietly and sat back away. He had been going to ask if Mark was nervous, but why should he be? This was just a moment to celebrate. Tonight they could just focus on that and hopefully leave their other concerns at home. Another ten minutes passed and then finally the moment came and as the World Endurance Champions were announced Mark sat up straighter and looked to his team-mates ready to head up, before stealing a glance to Seb. He smiled at how Sebastian's face was full of happy anticipation. Mark snuck him a quick wink and Seb huffed a little laugh as they walked away to the stage.

  


As the drivers assembled on stage and the trophies were given out, Sebastian sat higher in his chair, a wide smile on his face. As Mark held his trophy they looked directly at one another and just for a moment it was as if there was nobody else in the packed ballroom, just them. Seb didn't think he had ever felt so proud. Mark was up there where he belonged, getting the recognition that was so long overdue. In that moment he really wasn't pretending. He wasn't putting on a front or trying to do his best for Mark's sake. Seb genuinely felt happy as everything else went from his mind just as all the people in this room faded from view and it felt as if there was only the two of them.

From the stage Mark could see how pleased Seb looked. He stood a little taller, and smiled back at him. A week ago Mark hadn't been at all sure Seb would have been coming here with him. Having to be on show to the world when he was in such a bad state might have been too much even with all Seb's skills at putting on a brave front. At least they'd had that bit of time before they'd had to come here. They weren't over it. Neither of them could pretend that was true, but a tiny bit more distance from that crushing disappointment made it just about manageable. Mark didn't think he really could have missed this. The team would have been seriously unimpressed and if Mark was entirely honest with himself, he would have been sad to miss it too. You didn't get many opportunities in life to have the whole of your peers applauding your achievements. Every time he'd been to this before he had been in the position of not being quite good enough, never the top, but now he was and if Mark never got this moment again he wanted to be able to treasure it.

 

The whole crowd was applauding now, rising from their chairs to give them a standing ovation and Mark saw the way Seb was clapping so hard he must surely be hurting his hands. As they finally made their way back to the table Mark walked around to his seat next to Sebastian and on getting closer he saw that there was a glisten to Seb's eyes. He pulled his chair back and as he lowered down he leaned in and put an arm around Seb to kiss his cheek.

“I'm so proud of you Liebling,” praised Sebastian happily.

Mark gave him a little squeeze in as he looked at him.

“Thank you darling.” Mark used his arm around Seb to lean into him so he could whisper to him once more. “You're alright aren't you sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded and turned his head.

“I'm good. I'm just pleased, that's all. You looked so good up there.”

Mark huffed a laugh, but Seb shook his head.

“I mean it. You belong up there. This isn't going to be the only time. I'm sure of it.”

“Well thank you.”

Mark decided now wasn't the time to mention that there was still a hope he might not even be racing next year. He could tell Seb wasn't thinking about that right now and that was for the best. Best for both of them. As the ceremony continued on Mark moved his arm from around Sebastian and instead slipped it beneath the tablecloth to take his hand, just resting it on his thigh and sending Seb a softer smile. Seb smiled back. Mark's hand felt nice as it always did, lean and strong like the rest of him, eminently reassuring. He wanted to rest his head on Mark's shoulder, but maybe that should wait until they were alone? Seb glanced up to the grand chandeliers illuminating the room, every crystal polished and shimmering with light. The venue might be a little over the top, but there was something rather nice to feeling as though you had entered another world. Perhaps just for tonight they could live in a different world where nothing else mattered? Just the two of them and being content with that. It was worth a try.

  


 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a two-parter. Think it might have been a little while since I said that, so I'll try not to be too long with it.
> 
> Oh btw, I know that in RL the FIA Gala is on earlier in December, but I shifted it, cos, well, my AU...


	191. The warmth of your hand and a cold grey sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No idea why I'm posting this late on a Saturday nights seeing as no one will probably read it right now, but this chapter is done, so here it is.
> 
> Part 2...

* * *

  


Once the ceremony was over and all the official speeches had been made, they were finally free to relax and mingle. Seb was still holding onto his champagne glass and as they stood talking to Brendon and Timo and their respective other halves, he stretched up and whispered to Mark.

“I think I'm a little tipsy Liebling.”

Mark smiled back and put his arm around him and spoke quietly back so only Seb would hear.

“I wouldn't worry about it darling. Half the people here are already ratted after all that champers they served with dinner.”

Sebastian looked around him, the atmosphere was a little more party-like now that all they had to do was socialise. There was a hubbub of conversation and laughter echoing around the high-ceilinged room mixing with the music playing in the background, and whilst amongst the management element in the room there might be a bit of extra wheeling and dealing and politicking going on, for the drivers their job was really over and they could enjoy themselves.

“You're alright though?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. Think I might ditch this and get some water though.”

“Ah okay.”

“I'll just go to the bar.”

“Want me to come?”

Sebastian shook his head seeing as Mark was busy with his friends.

“You carry on. Want anything?”

“Actually yeah think water'd be an idea, cheers.”

“Righto.”

 

Seb went of in search of refreshment leaving Mark to chat on with his colleagues, returning a few minutes later with water for each of them. They went on circulating, chatting mostly with those they were friends or acquaintances with. Sebastian liked how the world of Endurance was more relaxed in its attitudes and how those racing against one another even in different teams seemed to be friendly and get on well. The competition when racing was still intense, but somehow the way the series ran on a knife-edge of disaster, with cars stretched on the limit of breaking down and indeed frequently doing so, seemed to lend the participants a shared understanding that they lived in the laps of the gods and thus appreciated on another's positions a little more. Sebastian wondered if it wasn't perhaps more like F1 in the old days. Sometimes he wished he raced then, back in the fifties and sixties when it was less about high technology and engineers and more about mechanics and man and machine. Then again the danger was far worse in those days and as Seb sipped his water he glanced to Mark and knew he couldn't put him through that. It was tough enough as it was now.

At one point they ended up bumping into Bernie himself and stood making slightly awkward conversation for a minute. Mark always wondered who felt the most ridiculous in these encounters. He felt like a giraffe hobnobbing with a crocodile. Bernie might be small and old and faintly daft, but you underestimated him at your peril. He may not have been the most supportive of them since they came out, but there was no point doing anything other than trying to make nice before escaping as soon as they could.

 

As they walked back across the room Mark flicked his eyebrows at Seb.

“Honestly I come away from any conversation with that man having very little idea what he's actually just said.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I'm not sure he knows himself.”

“Hmm, ah well. Oh look there's Jense and Jess.”

  


They crossed over to have a much more normal conversation with their friends. Jenson finished his drink and looked to his wife's almost empty glass.

“Want another love?”

“Um, sure. Think I might just pop to the loo.”

“Righto, anyone else?”

“Actually I might nip to the loo as well,” commented Seb.

The others laughed and Jenson shook his head.

“Ah Seb. No mate, I meant a drink.”

“Oh, um.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who replied on their behalf seeing as Seb felt a bit silly now.

“I'll come with you to the bar,” decided Mark. “Same again sweetheart?”

“Yes please.”

  


They peeled off in pairs, Mark and Jenson to get more drinks, Jessica and Sebastian in the direction of the bathrooms out in the hallways beyond the main room. Even the corridors here were grand beyond measure with high vaulted ceilings and baroque plastering details. Sebastian stood looking up as them as he waited for Jess outside the ladies bathroom. She stepped out of the door and smiled to him.

“Aren't you a gentlemen wanting to escort me?” she teased.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I just thought I should wait. It's very posh here isn't it?”

“Certainly is. Then again if you're going to build a palace I suppose you don't downscale things,” Jess noted.

“Good point.”

“Why don't we just wander down this way, see what's here?” she proposed.

 

Sebastian nodded, knowing she was looking for an opportunity for them to have a quiet chat while they were alone. They walked down the long hallway past a dramatic staircase leading to another floor presumably filled with yet more grand rooms, on to reach a little antechamber with yet more corridors leading off in different directions.

“This building makes me feel very small,” admitted Sebastian. “Can you imagine actually living here?”

“Nope. I think I'd get lost on a daily basis,” agreed Jess. “I'm used to our little apartment.”

“Not much chance of getting lost there?” smiled Seb.

“Ha, no chance at all.”

“No chandeliers though?” Seb noted.

Jess looked up at the one above them.

“They are pretty, but I can live without them I think.”

“Me too.”

“Have you got all your Christmas decorations up now?” Jessica enquired.

“Oh um, yeah finally. I'll have to send you a pic.”

“Do. I'd love to see them. We hardly have anything.”

“Sure.”

Jess frowned a little as her brain caught up with a detail.

“Finally?” she queried.

“Mm.”

Sebastian's expression changed and Jess frowned even more. She put a hand on his arm.

“Is everything okay?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder, then looked at her and knew he couldn't pretend when it was just the two of them. He shook his head.

“Not really to be honest.”

“What is it?”

Jessica was trying to read him. Seb and Mark had seemed on good form, both pleased to be here to celebrate Mark's success, happy and smiling as they enjoyed the evening. Then again that there might be more beneath the surface with those two wasn't entirely a surprise.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath, then looked around him to be sure that there was nobody about, but it seemed they were far from where anyone else had ventured. He huffed out a long breath and leaned back against the wall as Jess stood at an angle to him, looking into his eyes to try to see what was going on she had missed. Sebastian sighed. He hadn't said anything about what had really been going on in any of the texts they had exchanged since their recent visit. It just hadn't felt like the sort of thing you could say in a text and he hadn't really wanted to phone anyone about it when he was struggling to talk about how he felt with Mark, never mind anyone else.

“Is it the adoption stuff?” guessed Jessica, speaking quietly, just in case their voices carried in these empty hallways.

Sebastian nodded and she sighed, knowing already that it couldn't be anything good.

“Can you tell me?” she asked.

Seb gave a little tip of his head.

“It's kind of all confidential.”

“Right, you don't have to of course, but if it'd help? I won't tell anyone. Not even Jense if you don't want me to,” Jess offered.

 

Sebastian scrubbed a hand though his hair. He wondered if it would feel better to tell her at least the broad details. Jess was a good listener and he knew he could trust her.

“Okay, it's just, yeah we had another disappointment,” he confided.

“Oh sweetie. I'm sorry. Was it that case you told me about?”

Sebastian huffed an almost laugh.

“No. I mean yes actually that too. That one fizzled out pretty quickly.”

“Oh right,” frowned Jessica.

“Okay so yeah, the one I told you last time, well strictly between us.”

“Of course.”

“Well they found a family member to look after him.”

“Oh I see.”

Seb shrugged.

“Which is good, of course it is for him and I totally understand why they'd go with that.”

“Right, but not so good for you,” sympathised Jess.

“No, but that's a very selfish point of view.”

“Not really.”

“It is. That's part of what makes this so hard. It feels like we're wishing for a child to be without their family so we can have them.”

Jessica shook her head.

“No sweetie it's really not. Don't punish yourself like that. You're doing a good thing.”

“I guess.”

“You are. I know you'll make the most wonderful parents. You and Mark are great people and you could give a child who needs a home a really fantastic life. It's not selfish. Not at all.”

Sebastian sighed.

“That's what Mark says, pretty much anyway. It's just so hard not to feel guilty about wanting a child so much when it has to mean them to be in bad situation in the first place.”

“Oh Seb don't be silly. That's rubbish. You're not wishing for that. I know you. You couldn't be further from that.”

“Pfff, I suppose. I dunno. Maybe I've had too much to drink?”

Jess sighed and gave his arm a rub.

“Are you alright?”

Sebastian looked into her eyes. He couldn't lie to her.

“No.”

 

He felt his chest go tight and Seb closed his eyes to stop himself from letting his emotions spill over. He felt Jess put her arms around him and Seb reopened his eyes as she hugged him. As she let him go Seb gave Jess a little nod.

“Thanks. Sorry.”

“It's alright. So, look you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.”

“No it's okay. Well it isn't, but...”

Sebastian trailed off and Jess nodded. Not okay under that smiling surface. She should have seen something off there in the way he clung to Mark's side all evening and let him do so much of the talking.

 

Seb took a deep breath.

“Okay so yeah the case I told you about didn't work out, but I guess we were kind of okay with that in the end because we'd only just started hearing about it. It wasn't like we'd met him or even knew his name yet and when Rachel told us he was okay and going to family, well I guess we kind of reconciled that it was for the best, you know?”

“Of course.”

“We really do want the best for these children,” defended Seb.

“Of course you do. No one who knew you could ever think anything else,” Jess assured.

“Thanks.”

“So it's not that?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Not really. No. It's what came next. Rachel had another case and when she'd told us that one was a no go we pretty much jumped right onto the next. Maybe we rushed? I don't know, but it feels like we have to push on or we'll get nowhere.”

“Right, so there was another case? Another child?”

Sebastian nodded.

“I can't really tell you all the details,” he excused.

“Okay. Is there anything you can tell me?”

  


He paused, then Seb decided if he left out any names he was okay.

“You really can't mention it to anyone,” he emphasised.

“I won't. I promise,” vowed Jessica.

“I know, sorry. I get so paranoid.”

“It's alright.”

“Okay, so, um yeah the next case Rachel brought us was pretty much straight away. She told us about a girl who was about to have a baby she wanted adopted.”

“Right, okay,” encouraged Jess.

“So we met her and it was going really well. I mean it was for us. That's the thing you see. This poor girl. I felt so bad for her.” Sebastian shook his head. “Ah Jess she was just a kid, really a kid, all on her own and so scared. She came from a pretty tough background and all this stuff she told us, really it would break your heart.”

Jess just gave a little shake of his head, so Seb continued.

“I wanted to take her in too to be honest,” he confessed.

Jessica raised her eyebrows.

“How old was she?”

“Fifteen.”

“My god.”

“Yeah. Ah Jess, I felt awful every time we walked away and left her alone.”

“What about her family?”

“There's only her mum and things had got pretty messed up so she was in care.”

“Oh Seb, that's awful.”

“Yeah. God I can't really tell you it all, but the stuff she told us that had gone on... Horrible stuff and her mum's young too, only a couple of years older than me.”

Jessica's eyes widened.

“Really?”

“Yeah. So she was struggling and, well anyway I can't get into it too much, but thankfully they worked things out there and I am glad about that, of course I am, but even so she was really finding it hard to get time to be with...” Seb stopped, realising he was about to say Kacey's name and thinking he really shouldn't. “Her daughter.”

“The one having the baby.”

“Yeah anyway after we met the girl the first time all was going well and she seemed really keen so we kept meeting. She was taken into hospital as a precaution because she was so young and then all of a sudden we get this call from Rachel saying she'd had the baby,” explained Seb.

“Oh wow, she was that far on?”

“Yeah. It was a bit early, but not bad, they were fine anyway and she asked us to go in.”

“Rachel?”

“Well kind of. The girl really. She wanted us to meet the baby. It was a little girl.”

 

Sebastian paused. He gave Jessica a smile, but his eyes showed how far from smiling her felt inside.

“She was so beautiful, the baby, so small...” He sighed. “She let us hold her, kept saying we should because we'd be the ones to look after her. Day after day we went into the hospital and it all seemed to be going so well. We fed her and changed her and held her and Rachel was getting to the stage where she said she could start looking at the paperwork and then...”

Sebastian shrugged and shook his head.

“We'd been trying so hard not to assume it was all final, but she seemed so sure.”

“And then she changed her mind?” presumed Jessica.

Sebastian nodded.

“Totally out of the blue. From our point of view at least. I suppose she must have had more doubts, but I don't know. I don't think she really understood what it all meant until it got real. It was terrible Jess, we were sat there in her room at the hospital, the baby there and everything. We'd been holding her, the baby that is, just talking like normal, everything fine and then she broke down in tears and said she couldn't do it, she couldn't give the baby up.”

“Oh god, Seb, that's awful.”

Sebastian bit his lip and nodded.

“It was. It was horrible. Poor thing, she was in a terrible state, she kept saying sorry over and over. She's just a child herself and I felt so bad for her.”

“Oh Seb.”

“We had to step outside and I just felt like the world was crashing around us. We'd got to the stage where we were so sure it was happening. Started talking about the details and then...”

 

Sebastian put his hands over his face and rubbed over it, trying to keep himself together. He looked back to see how Jess was looking at him.

“We kept saying we weren't going to let ourselves get ahead with it all, but it's so hard Jess, cos we just want it so much and this time we really thought it was going to happen.” He paused. “We painted the nursery. The day before. And then...”

He took a shaky breath and his eyes filled up. Jessica shook her head, sounding upset herself.

“I'm so sorry.”

Sebastian shrugged, trying not to let it overrun him.

“There was nothing we could do. And... the girl, she was in such a state. We felt awful. All we could do was tell her it was okay. They got her mum in and we just had to go off to sit and wait until Rachel came and told us.”

“That she was going to keep the baby?”

“Yeah.”

“Ach Seb.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh, then tried to pick himself up again.

“I don't blame her. You couldn't. Honestly Jess if you'd seen her, if you knew her... And it's her baby of course she is.”

“So young though,” noted Jess.

“Yes but she's her mother. Even if they've got nothing... It's what's right. I just hope they'll be okay.”

Jess sighed.

“Ah dear. What about her mother? You said she wasn't around?”

“Oh well it wasn't quite like that. It was a complicated situation, but they've worked it out. I guess when something like that happens you just have to.”

“Right.”

“So we just had to say goodbye and go home. And that was it. The day before we were painting the nursery and the next it was all over. I just felt...” Seb shrugged and looked at her feeling as though this was a big admission, “like I didn't know how to get up off the floor.”

 

Jessica put her hand over her mouth feeling horrified to hear how bad things had been. Sebastian closed his eyes, trying not to let things spill over again. He'd been working so hard to put all this to one side, especially tonight. Jessica waited until he reopened his eyes to be sure she wasn't pushing him too hard.

“When was this?” she asked gently.

“Last week, mid-week. Since then we've been trying to pick ourselves up, but it's not easy. We had to go in to see Rachel and she's told us we have to take a break. I guess she means Christmas, but it's so hard not to feel knocked back. I just don't know what's going to happen now. I just... I'm trying not to feel like it's a dead end, but I don't know what to do. We've done everything they've asked. Done all those parenting classes, passed every interview, all those references from people, gone through all that bureaucracy, made all the changes to the house, been approved and yet it doesn't make any difference. We do everything. We've put our whole lives into it, our heart and soul and we just get nothing...” He swallowed, trying to hold it together. “We just get _nothing_ in return.”

Sebastian closed his eyes as all that came out, trying not to let tears follow. Jessica sighed and pulled him into another hug. Seb leaned in taking comfort from it and stood there letting it calm him before he lifted away.

“I'm so sorry Seb. I wish there was something I could do,” she sympathised.

Sebastian shook his head as he looked at her. He took in a breath.

“There's nothing anyone can do. You can't make it happen. We keep hoping, but...”

He sighed and Jessica shook her head.

“I'm so sorry,” she repeated. “I had no idea.”

Seb shrugged.

“I haven't really felt like talking about it.”

“No I suppose not.”

Sebastian glanced back down the corridor they had come down.

“It's Mark's special night. This means so much to him, to both of us. I don't want to spoil it.”

Jess rubbed his arm.

“Course not. Ah god Seb.”

Sebastian rubbed over his face again trying to keep himself together.

“I don't want to cry. I've cried too much lately.”

Jess wiped a finger under her eye, carefully removing an escaping tear.

“Me neither. Mascara, bad idea.”

She tried a little smile on him and Seb let out a huff of air that was almost a laugh. They hugged again and both of them took deep calming breaths.

 

“I'm sorry if I've upset you, pushing you to tell me,” apologised Jessica.

Seb shook his head.

“No, it's okay. I'm glad to have told someone to be honest.”

“You've not talked to your family?”

Sebastian shook his head again.

“I just can't. I guess maybe Stef, but... I don't know. My brother's really only a kid so I don't think he'd understand and my parents...” He sighed. “I'd just end up telling them it was all okay to reassure them and end up feeling worse. They mean well, but...”

“Yeah,” sympathised Jess.

“I know Mark talked to his sister, but it's kind of different with her. She's like you.”

Jess gave him a little smile.

“I take it that's good?”

“Yeah course it is. She's a good listener. You are too. Thank you.”

“Of course. Ah Seb. You can tell me anything you know. I promise I won't ever mention it to anyone.”

“Thank you. I guess Mark might say something to Jenson, but...”

“Well I won't leap in there. I'll see first.”

“He'll tell you?”

Jess just gave a tip of her head.

“I'll know.”

“Right.”

Sebastian nodded. You could read your partner if you knew them well enough.

“You won't tell him... I mean...” Seb paused awkwardly. “About crying. Don't tell him that bit please.”

Jessica took his hand and gave it a squeeze as she nodded.

“Of course sweetie. I promise.”

 

She nearly said that could stay between 'us girls' but the very fact Seb wasn't a girl was perhaps the reason he struggled so hard with that aspect. Boys didn't cry. That stupid idea was so ingrained that she could see how Seb struggled with insecurities around it. No point telling him it was okay. What he needed was a friend's support. Not a lecture on expressing his emotions. Jess looked at him firmly.

“Maybe it's best you have that break over Christmas?” she suggested.

Seb sighed.

“That's what Rachel said. It's just so hard not to see it as being told we're getting nowhere.”

Jess shook her head.

“I don't think so. I think you deserve a break. You work so hard all year and going along with Mark as well so you're hardly ever home. Then on top of that you've been slogging your guts out working on this. You're tired. I think a break is good.”

“I just don't want to feel like we're giving up.”

“Well you're not are you?”

“No.”

“So then. Did she talk about after Christmas?”

“She said she'd be in touch to arrange a meeting and we'd see where we go from there.”

“Right, well then. You have Christmas. Nothing happens over the holidays anyway. I bet all the council stuff closes down for the holidays.”

“I guess. Yeah Rachel is taking some time off. She works too hard so she deserves it.”

“I'm sure. There you go then. So everyone gets a break and then you go from there. I'm sure it'll work out.”

“I hope so,” agreed Seb quietly.

Jess nodded.

“Me too. I really do. You deserve it.”

Seb gave a tip of his head.

“I don't think it works that way. Life isn't fair. Stuff doesn't just happen because people deserve it, good or bad.”

Jess sighed.

“No, well...”

“Sorry Jess I'm being such a downer. I really don't want to be, I just get this way sometimes. Sorry.”

“It's okay.”

“Poor Mark. He's been trying so hard to cheer us up.”

“I'm sure.”

“I have been trying too.”

Jess nodded.

“Yes I know you will have. Can't just turn it on and off though can you?”

“No.”

“Well, look I know I can't really do anything except listen.”

“That's a lot. Really Jess I really appreciate you listening to me moaning.”

“Oh Seb, you're not moaning. It's better to let it out a bit. You can call me you know.”

“Thanks. I have talked to Mark, I mean we've both talked, but now we're just trying to move on.”

“Sure. Not easy though?”

“No. I don't want to bring things down though, not tonight especially.”

“Of course.”

“We should go back, they'll be wondering where on earth we've got to.”

“Okay, if you're alright?”

“Yeah better for talking. Thanks.”

Jess nodded and they headed back along the hallways, back towards the noise of the event still going on, music carried with the sounds of everyone celebrating and enjoying themselves. Seb didn't much feel like flinging himself back into it and pasting on a smile, but he would do so for Mark's sake.

  


  


Back in the main hall their other halves had indeed been wondering why they were taking so long. Mark and Jenson set the drinks they had got down on the table and looked about them.

“Have they got lost?” frowned Jenson.

Mark puffed a breath.

“Dunno mate. It's a big place.”

Jenson looked over towards the entrance.

“Should we go look?”

“I'm sure they'll turn up,” assured Mark.

“Mm spose so,” Jenson agreed.

Mark was looking to the doorway now too though. Maybe they should just go see that they were alright?

“Why don't we just go see if they're about out there?” proposed Mark.

 

Jenson nodded and they abandoned their drinks to go back through the crowd, going to look outside the bathrooms but seeing no sign. They scanned the people coming and going, but as they weren't to be seen, Mark nodded over to the large marble staircase leading away from the hallway and they went over to take a seat on it a few steps up where they could spot if Seb and Jess went by.

Jenson huffed a laugh.

“Should have brought our drinks.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark. “Ah well.”

“Not that you're drinking anyway,” noted Jenson. “Are you being good?”

Mark shrugged.

“Just don't want a hangover mate.”

“Big plans tomorrow?”

“Just heading home. You?”

“Yep same. I thought you might be detouring to see Seb's folks or something.”

“Ah, no. We'll be there soon enough for Christmas.”

“Of course.”

“Your mum was alright was she when you guys went to see her after being at ours the other week?”

“Yeah mate good, same as ever; thinks I'm too thin.”

Mark laughed and nodded.

“My mum always says the same.”

“You're not off to see your family as well?” enquired Jenson.

Mark shook his head.

“No. We'll go in March.”

“You didn't fancy some sun for Christmas then?”

Mark paused, then let out a little sigh.

“One year maybe. Not right now.”

“Oh?” frowned Jenson.

“Mm.”

Jenson was still frowning so Mark explained.

“Bit far away. I don't think we'd feel comfortable going such a long way right now and I know Seb would be worrying in case something came up and we needed to be home in a hurry.”

“What for?”

Mark looked at him and it dawned on Jenson what he was referring to.

“Oh. God, sorry mate, being dense. Right of course. So you need to stay close to home just in case?”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno mate. I'm not sure it really makes any difference, but it feels like it might.”

“Sure. So I take it nothing doing so far?”

Mark went quiet and gazed into the distance. Jenson angled his head to try to get in his vision.

“Mark? Everything alright?”

Mark sighed.

“Not so much if I'm honest. We've had a few things fall through on us and it takes its toll you know?”

“Sure. I mean, well no, I don't really know at all, but I'm sure it must be tough.”

“Yeah.” Mark's voice was low, both in volume and tone. “I mean we knew it would be tough, but I'm not sure we really understood _how_ tough.”

“Ah damn. I'm sorry mate,” sympathised Jenson.

 

Mark huffed out a long breath and pushed his hands over his hair before turning to look to his friend.

“We've had a pretty crappy time of it lately to be truthful,” he admitted.

“What happened?”

Mark shook his head.

“Just... like I said, things coming to nothing. It's hard to keep trying to pick yourself up again and this time...” He sighed. “We really thought it was going to happen. We were at the point where we were might be getting to actually being able to take the baby home in a few days and then, bam, the rug's pulled from under us.”

“Oh hell. I'm sorry mate, really. Did you actually get to meet the kid?”

Mark nodded and Jenson sighed.

“That must have been hard.”

“Yeah. It's been rough. Seb takes things hard.”

“And you too?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“What went wrong?” enquired Jenson. “I mean if I can ask?”

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“Poor kid just changed her mind.”

Jenson furrowed his brow.

“The kid changed her mind?” I thought you said it was a baby?”

Mark gave him a half smile and shook his head.

“Hmm, well. Same confusion I had initially actually.”

He could see Jenson still looked confused.

“Okay, so this is private, yeah?” Mark checked.

“Yes of course,” Jenson assured.

 

Mark looked out. Nobody near enough to hear them tucked away here if they spoke quietly as they had been.

“Well the thing is it was a kid having the baby, really a baby herself mate, pretty bad business.”

“Bloody hell.”

“Yeah. Just the usual sad story. Dickhead boy talks a vulnerable young girl into trusting him, takes what he wants then dumps her. Little shit refuses to accept any kind of responsibility and then he made things worse by making her out to be the one people should be looking down on. Absolute scum behaviour in my opinion and frankly I don't care if he was only a teenager himself, you don't do that. Poor girl was in bits really and... Ah I don't know. I thought we were doing the right thing offering to take the baby from her, let her try to put her life back together, go back to school...”

“School?”

“Mm, far too young, poor kid.”

“Damn.”

Mark shrugged.

“I just don't know. She seemed totally to have decided on adoption. We met her before she had the baby a couple of times and then after she had the baby we were there every day. She seemed all in, but... I dunno mate, I don't suppose you can put yourself in the head of a girl who's just had a baby. It's one thing to talk about giving the baby up, a whole different matter actually doing it and I think the poor kid just freaked out.”

“Ah damn and she changed her mind on you?”

“Yep. I don't blame her mate. How could you? Little thing in tears, all alone. I mean Jesus, you can't blame her for realising late on what it all really meant. Never seeing your child again, just getting a photo in the post to let you know they were safe and spending a lifetime regretting it.”

He shook his head and puffed out the longest breath.

“God,” sighed Jenson. “That sounds pretty hellish.”

“Yeah.”

“You were there for all that?”

“Yep. Poor kid sat in a hospital bed crying her eyes out. It was bloody awful mate. You can't blame her for changing her mind.”

“No I suppose not. Pretty awful for you too though?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark leaned back into the marble bannister thinking what a surreal place this was to be having this conversation. He looked at Jenson and shook his head.

“Nothing to be done. One minute we seemed to be all set, next it's over.”

“Christ. How's Seb handling it?”

Mark just gave a tiny shake of his head and Jenson nodded. Best not to pry.

“I can't imagine mate,” sympathised Jenson. “I'm really sorry.”

“Yeah, me too. You know you just... You want to be angry, you want to yell at someone that it isn't fair, but...”

He shrugged.

“You're not angry at the girl for changing her mind?” checked Jenson.

“No course not. No.” Mark sighed. “No we just felt sorry for her. I mean they got her mum in and Rachel was trying to look after her, but... No you couldn't be angry with her. She wanted to do the right thing for her baby and then I just think it took a while for reality to catch up with her. She's too young to handle all that really, but what can you do?”

“Not much I suppose.”

“And we can't be angry with Rachel cos all she's doing is trying to bring us possible matches. It's not her fault when they don't work out.” Mark sighed. “I dunno. She said she'd hope any next case would be more certain, but it's so hard not to want to say yes to any possibility. We just have to keep trying.”

“Right.”

Mark huffed the driest of laughs.

“You know I think the only one I legitimately feel I can be angry with is the little shit that got that poor girl knocked up. Him I'd quite happily let loose a bit at.”

“Knock him into next week?”

Mark sighed.

“Ah well not really. You don't hit boys. You don't hit anyone if you can help it, but I dunno, I think there's a part of me that would feel better to tell him what I think of him. Not that it would really do any good venting my fury at him, even if he does deserve it believe me. Don't suppose the little so-and-so would listen, but someone ought to stand up for that girl and put him straight about what it actually means to be a man, tell him it's not what he seems to think it is.”

 

Mark looked at Jenson, surprised to see a little smile on his face.

“I'm not actually going to go hunt him down,” he defended.

“No mate.”

“I don't even know his full name.”

“Yeah that wasn't what I was really thinking,” admitted Jenson.

“What then?”

“You. Look don't take this the wrong way mate. I'm really sorry this didn't work out, but you know you sound like a dad already.”

Mark let out a dry laugh.

“Old you mean.”

“No. I mean you sound like a dad. You sound like that girl's dad who wants to, metaphorically at least, knock seven bells out of the little shit who's hurt her.”

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“I guess I do. Funny thing is Seb did suggest we take her in too, but they fixed things up with her mum so she went home in the end. For the best I guess.”

“Right. But you mate, seriously, you're talking like a dad already. I'm sure that has to be an instinct thing. You feel protective towards that girl.”

“Well of course I do.”

Jenson shook his head.

“You don't even see it.”

“See what?”

“You. You've changed. In a good way, but you're not the person I used to know back in the day.”

“Ah we were kids ourselves back then.”

“True, but in all this. You know I have to admit I was surprised when you first told us you were adopting. I just didn't see you in that light at all, but hearing you talk just now, all outraged and protective... You know I think you're going to be great at it. You're pure dad material. I can just see you in years to come, a kid of your own and there's you in the hallway giving some boy the death stare so he knows if he so much as lays a hand on your daughter you'll break his neck.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You think I'd let them get as far as into the house?”

Jenson smiled.

“No guess not. Make them wait on the doorstep.”

“Damn right.”

Jenson shook his head and smiled again.

“And if they upset your kid I suspect you might feel a bit less metaphorical about sorting out any misbehaving teenage boys.”

“Hmm, well maybe.”

“So one day mate, I'm sure all that natural instinct won't go to waste. You can scare the crap out of any potential miscreants who might upset your little darling and Seb can dry their tears and set them right. I think you'll make a formidable set of parents.”

 

Mark stared at him as he thought about that. A teenage daughter. Not Kacey, and not her daughter, but another girl, a girl who would be their kid. They way Jenson talked made it sound so real. Mark was almost surprised, but there was a part of him that did want to be the defending dad, to be the protector. He knew Seb would be good at sympathising and drying tears when he had shed enough of his own to understand. There was bound to be some need for that whether they wound up with a girl or boy one day as their child.

“Yeah mate I hope so.”

“You will. I'm sure of it. I know it must be hard to have things not work out yet, but I'm sure it must eventually.”

“I hope so,” repeated Mark. “I dunno, maybe this just wasn't the one. I think if she hadn't changed her mind now it'd have been down the line when she was sat at home alone and it hit in.” Mark took in a deep breath and sighed it out. “You know mate, that's the only thing that makes me feel better about this, because if we'd taken that baby home with us only to have to give her back again after a month or so...” He shook his head. “I don't know how we'd recover from that. I really don't.”

“No. Well small mercies then.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark set his head back against one of the round pillars that made up the bannisters on the stairs.

“Just tough accepting it,” he admitted.

“Mm. So now you just have to keep waiting for another phone-call?” asked Jenson.

“Pretty much. Rachel's asked us to hold off until after Christmas before we have any more meetings, but you just... I guess we've got into this state of constantly waiting for the phone to ring. I'm not sure it's doing our nerves any good.”

Jenson puffed a breath.

“You sound like you need a holiday mate.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah. Ah well we'll be off to Seb's folks soon. That'll have to count.”

“At least it's Christmas.”

“Mm.”

Mark nodded. He wasn't sure that even Christmas was going to be enough to make them forget everything this year, but at least it should keep them busy. It'd be the new year before they knew it hopefully. He lifted his head a little and looked down the corridor as a familiar sight came into view.

 

“Aha.”

“What?”

Mark nodded in the direction beyond them down the hallway.

“Our stray loved ones.”

 

He stood up and they both descended the couple of stairs to meet Seb and Jess walking towards them.

“Oh hello Liebling,” greeted Seb. “Did you come to look for us?”

“Yep.”

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head and stepped in to give Seb a hug. Beside them Jenson was by his wife exchanging a look that they both knew meant they would have to leave talking until later. As Seb and Mark broke apart Jenson gave them a smile.

“C'mon you two. Why don't I scare you up a real drink? It's nearly Christmas after all.”

Mark was stood with his arm around Sebastian and they looked to one another before Sebastian gave a nod.

“Yeah mate, why not?” replied Mark. “A little one can't hurt.”

  


 

Close on midnight Sebastian and Mark finally said their goodnights and left the gala. There were plenty of cars waiting in front to ferry guests home, but as they walked outside Sebastian took in a deep breath of the cold night air and looked to Mark.

“You know Liebling I think I could do with clearing my head. Would you mind us walking back?”

“Sure.”

Mark pulled his phone from his pocket and checked the maps function.

“It's not far,” he assured. “Good idea sweetheart, we'll wake ourselves up a bit.”

 

They bypassed the cars and walked on out into the wide open space in front of the palace portico. The building was all lit up to highlight the architectural details and it looked even grander in the night, the long sweeping arch seeming to look down on them as they walked off into the distance towards the centre of the city, passing long dead generals on horseback, frozen in attack for eternity in statues celebrating forgotten victories and heroic defeats. As they passed another large statue on a plinth beside them Mark glanced up and thought how every victory that felt so important at the time eventually became history. His own were far more insignificant and though he valued his success tonight the trophy itself had in the end meant less to him than the sight of Seb smiling and applauding. When their lives came to an end Mark knew that would be far more important than anything else.

Mark already had his arm around Seb as they walked but as they went on he squeezed him in a little closer and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Not too cold are you sweetheart?” he checked.

Sebastian looked up to him.

“I'm okay Liebling. You?”

Mark smiled.

“I've got you to keep me warm.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and pressed in tight.

“Yeah. You enjoyed tonight didn't you Liebling?”

“I did. Nice to catch up with folks.”

Sebastian tsk'd.

“And get your trophy.”

“Ah well that too.”

“You deserve a reward for all your hard work,” Seb asserted.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“This is my reward darling.”

“What?”

“This. You being with me.”

“Oh.”

Mark laughed again and shook his head as he looked at Sebastian.

“It's made me think about what really matters.”

Seb simply looked back at him so Mark paused and dipped in to kiss him, his spare hand resting on Seb's cheek. As he lifted away Mark gave that cheek a little stroke.

“We'll be alright sweetheart, okay?”

“Okay,” Seb replied quietly.

They looked at one another in the glow from the street-lights, gazing into each other's eyes. Mark gave Seb a little reassuring smile and Seb nodded back. They would be alright. They just needed to support one another and to try to keep finding what joy they could in this world. They loved each other and they were together. Tonight that felt more important than ever.

  


They carried on walking, on along the streets into the city, between the high old buildings with their decorative façades towering either side of them. They passed a few people, but the pavements weren't busy this late, certainly not in this part of the city. The long straight road their hotel was on meant that it was easier to find than they had thought and soon they were back up in their room. As they pulled off jackets and less than comfortable dress shoes Mark sat down on the bed and Sebastian went to sit next to him, interrupting Mark's attempt to get undressed by sliding his arms right around his middle and pressing into his side. Mark huffed a little laugh as he looked at him.

“Hello.”

“Hey.”

Mark smiled and put one arm around Seb and with the other reached a hand to pull Seb's bow-tie undone. Seb placed his cheek by Mark's shoulder and smiled back up at him. No dwelling on negatives, not tonight. They should just do all they could to make each other happy. This was a night apart, but not from each other, it was a night apart from their normal life.

“I wore it for you,” he stated.

“Hmm?”

“The bow-tie. I wore it for you Liebling,” explained Sebastian. “Like I said I would.”

“Ah.”

“I promised to wear whatever you wanted didn't I?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“So you did.”

“Your special night. Did you enjoy it?”

Mark nodded.

“Yes sweetheart I did. Especially you being with me.”

“Good. I promised to wear whatever you wanted after too didn't I?”

“That you did darling.”

Mark carefully undid Seb's top two buttons on his shirt.

“You'll forgive me if I suggest you look even better without all this,” smiled Mark.

“Without my shirt?”

Mark undid another button.

“Without anything at all.”

“Ah.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yes I will.”

“Hm?”

“Forgive you for suggesting that.”

“Ah I see.”

“Because the reverse is also true.”

“Is it indeed?”

“Yes Liebling.”

Sebastian smoothed his hand over Mark's shirt-clad side to feel the firm body beneath.

“And after all, it is your special night,” Seb reminded him.

“Mm,” smiled Mark. “Good.”

Mark kept his eyes on Seb's as he went back to undoing his shirt, button by button without rushing. Only when they were all undone did he lean in to begin kissing him, slowly and deliberately as Sebastian lay back on the big hotel bed. Tonight they should forget all their troubles and work on appreciating what they had.

  


  


  


They only had a couple of days at home before they were due to head off to Seb's parents for Christmas. They filled their time with last-minute shopping for presents and long walks in the cold with the dogs, giving them the excuse to warm up together in front of the fire when they got back. They weren't unhappy as such, but the silences carried a little more weight as they both avoided talking about what they couldn't do anything about. They still left their phones within hearing distance, made sure they weren't on silent, just in case. But they didn't ring. Not with calls from Rachel anyway. They had calls from family checking over their plans for the upcoming festivities and there were messages from friends wishing them well and thanking them for cards sent, but other than that they were quiet.

On the Friday afternoon they lay together on the sofa, the fire crackling and the dogs in a heap in front of them. It was Christmas Eve eve, their last free bit of time at home. There was a cold grey sky outside and it offered no incentive to go for another walk or a ride. They had been going to put a DVD on, but as they switched on the television they saw that the first Harry Potter film was about to begin, so they left that on thinking it passed the time well enough. A little escape from reality seemed like a good idea, but both of them had forgotten the start of the story. As they lay there watching the television it showed the eponymous hero as an orphaned baby left on a doorstep in a basket and it was as though the air in the room instantly became heavier.

Mark lifted his head a little to look at Seb from where he lay behind him, but there was no sign on his face to show he was upset and Mark didn't want to make a point of things so he left it, settling back down and merely keeping him held in close as they watched the action pick up, the drama taking them into another world. It was comfortable and unthreatening viewing with only child-safe levels of peril and nothing to really disturb them. The light was falling outside, the dogs were asleep from the warmth of the fire and soon enough Seb and Mark were drifting too.

 

Sebastian closed his eyes as snow fell on the magical castle in front of him and he found himself dreaming of snow here for Christmas. A knock on the door one morning and Seb opening it to see nobody there, only footsteps in the pristine white snow that had fallen overnight leading up to the doorstep where a basket lay. A basket with a tiny baby in it and a note attached to the blanket covering him saying; _'Please take care of my baby'_. Sebastian scooped the baby up into his arms, holding the child in close to warm them. He peered into the still falling snow for who had left them, but there was no one there, just the baby and all traces of their benefactor fast being erased. Seb picked up the basket and turned inside, closing the door to find Mark in the lounge by the glittering Christmas tree to excitedly show him what he had found; A Christmas miracle.

  


A log on the fire shifted and something crackled and spat behind the fire-guard, the noise waking Sebastian up. He blinked as he came to, looking at the television to see that the film was finishing and the music was now playing as the credits rolled. He sighed as he realised that it had just been a dream. Reality was a lot less convenient than fairy stories. There was no snow falling outside. It was late afternoon and it was dark, not morning. There was no miracle baby. Babies weren't really left in baskets on the doorsteps of desperate-to-be parents. That wasn't how it worked. This was real life. Seb knew it was harder and a lot less pretty. There would be no Christmas miracle of a baby in a basket brought in from the cold. Life didn't work that way.

Sebastian sighed again and closed his eyes to reconcile himself to the truth. No point deluding himself. He felt Mark stroke over his arm and Sebastian swivelled around to face him.

“You okay?” checked Mark.

“I fell asleep.”

“Yeah, me too a bit.”

Mark looked at him, wondering what Seb was thinking. He carded his fingers through Sebastian's hair at the side.

“Everything alright?” pressed Mark.

Sebastian paused.

“I kindof wish we could stay home for Christmas,” he admitted.

“Oh? Don't you want to see your folks?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“I guess... I mean I do. Sorry Liebling I know it sounds ungrateful. I just like being like this.”

“Ah. Well we'll only be away a couple of days.”

“Yeah.”

“We'll make nice with your family, exchange presents and let your dad ply us with glühwein, your mum feed us silly and just have a nice time, alright?”

“Yeah alright. Sorry Liebling. I'm okay. This is just nice, that's all.”

“Sure. Back soon though.”

“Mm. We can take that nice hamper Pauline's got us,” suggested Sebastian trying to pick himself up.

Mark smiled.

“And the mince pies. Bet your brother'll snaffle them up.”

“I'm sure he will,” agreed Seb. “Yeah. It'll be okay. It'll be nice. We'll just go for a couple of days then come home.”

“Do more of this.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” echoed Mark softly.

Sebastian moved to lie into Mark's chest. It'd be okay. As long as he had this he'd always be okay. Mark kissed the top of Seb's head. He'd gone quiet again. No point forcing him to talk. Mark kept his arms around Sebastian and rested his cheek into his hair, just keeping him close. Tomorrow they'd be off to Heppenheim and the Vettels. They'd survive a few days of politely smiling though, hopefully with some nice enough distractions to help and then come home again. They'd be alright.

  


 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh btw, anyone know where the title of this chapter comes from? I guess it's obvious once you know, but then aren't most things?


	192. Another New Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Swimming, swimming, just keep swimming...

 

* * *

 

 

 

Christmas had come and gone. It was quiet now they were home again in those dip days between Christmas and New Year. Their phones hadn't rung, but Mark knew that was on Seb's mind. It was on his mind too, even though they had agreed with Rachel that they were leaving things until she contacted them about meeting again in the New Year. They hadn't discussed specifically what the next meeting was to be about and the whole business still felt as though it was hanging in the air for all their talk of having a break from it all.

It had been okay being with Seb's family. Pretty much anyway. Mark was used to spending Christmases with them by now, but though Sebastian continued to volunteer to help look after his niece, every time Mark saw him watching little Sofie enjoying her first Christmas he could see the hidden pain in Seb's eyes, despite the smile he showed. Sebastian really did enjoy getting time with his family and he loved his niece, but it hurt all the way to his core to have something so close that felt so far away for them.

Seb didn't feel able to explain to his family the troubles they had been through trying to be matched, so when they asked how things were going with the adoption he simply told them they were still looking. He hid the pain inside and tried to sound positive about their hopes before attempting to change the subject, but Mark could tell such a performance was costing Seb. By Boxing Day they ended up sat in their room half-way through the afternoon, Seb feeling close to tears. Sebastian blamed the alcohol in the glühwein his father made, but Mark knew that was an excuse and offered to come up with a reason they should go back early, but Seb wouldn't hear of it.

Mark put his arm around him where they sat on the bed and gave Seb's arm a rub.

“I know it's hard.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian sniffed and wiped at his face to brush away an escaping tear. “I'm just being silly. I shouldn't drink this early in the day.”

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian shook his head and took a settling breath.

“I'm fine. I'm just being silly.”

Mark looked at him and Seb shook his head again.

“I don't want to spoil Christmas.”

“Ah darling you're not.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“I'm okay. Sorry Liebling, it just got on top of me.”

“That's alright. Just one more day and we'll be heading home yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Just you, me and the dogs, we'll go for some nice long walks, curl up in front of the fire.”

Sebastian leaned into him.

“That sounds nice Liebling.”

“Yeah I thought so. You sure you don't want to go tomorrow?”

Seb shook his head.

“No they'd want to know why and Mum would be hurt whatever we say.”

Mark sighed at Seb worrying about others as usual, but he knew it did no good to argue seeing as Seb would only end up feeling guilty if they left early.

“Alright.”

Sebastian sat up.

“I'm just gonna wash my face. I'm alright. Sorry Liebling.”

“That's okay.”

Mark gave him a hug and was left sat on the bed wondering what they needed to do about this. Maybe they should call that meeting with Rachel forwards? He didn't think they could go on like this.

  


  


 

  


By New Year's Eve they had settled into being back home, spending their time as Mark had suggested, just taking bracing walks with the dogs, then warming up again in front of the fire watching Christmas films cuddled up together on the sofa. It was nice, but they both knew that they were in denial about the subject they were avoiding and sometimes the silences stretched a little too long. Mark had suggested they do something for New Year's Eve seeing as it was one of their anniversaries, but they didn't much fancy going out for a meal when it was likely to be so packed everywhere and whilst Jenson and Jess had invited them to theirs so they could go to a couple of parties in Monaco, the idea was rather nicer than the reality. Seb didn't want to go traipsing off somewhere. He wanted to be home even if he knew he was moping slightly.

As they sat in the lounge, the dogs on the floor, Sebastian hooked his feet up onto the sofa and leaned more into Mark as they watched another film, the fire crackling on the other side of the room.

“Alright sweetheart?” checked Mark.

Sebastian turned his head and gave him a smile.

“This is nice.”

“Good.”

“I'm sorry I'm not feeling very social at the moment,” Seb apologised.

“No that's okay. Not much gets better than this.”

Sebastian looked up to him.

“You're not sorry we didn't go to see JB and Jess?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Meh, those parties always look more fun than they really are. If I could stay for an hour or so then magically come back here for midnight that would do me.”

Sebastian smiled and laid his head on Mark's shoulder.

“Yeah I guess. I like being home.”

“Me too. Besides who'd look after these guys seeing as Pauline's gone to see her son?” noted Mark with a nod to the dogs in front of them.

“True.”

“Not a very nice holiday for them if they were in kennels.”

Sebastian pouted.

“Poor things. I don't think I could do that to them.”

“No. Well there you go then. Best thing we're here.”

“Yeah.”

“Just think where we were a year ago,” commented Mark.

“Right here.”

Mark huffed a laugh and squeezed Seb in.

“Yeah alright smart arse.”

Sebastian laughed into him and Mark gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Where do you think we'll be in a year's time then?” he asked.

“Probably right here,” mused Seb.

“Yeah probably,” agreed Mark. “Well I can think of worse things.”

“Me too.”

Sebastian fitted his arm around Mark's middle and squashed more into him.

“I don't really want to be anywhere else.”

“No, me neither darling.”

Seb let out a sigh and they settled back down to watching the film as the minutes ticked down towards midnight.

 

As the film finished and they switched to the countdown to midnight on television Mark sat up.

“I should get that bottle of champagne out of the fridge.”

“Hm, I'm not sure alcohol and me is a good combination at the moment Liebling.”

“We don't have to.”

Sebastian looked at Mark and felt bad he was being such a downer lately. He couldn't seem to stop himself, but it was so unfair on poor Mark. Seb tried to shake it off and sat up more.

“No we should. Sorry. I could probably do with a bit of fizz adding.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“You can spray it around the room if you like?”

Seb smiled shook his head.

“Only when Bernie is paying for it.”

“Hah. Good point. Alright, come on then.”

 

They got up to go into the kitchen, the dogs trailing with them. Mark got the bottle out of the fridge while Seb collected a couple of glasses and they came back through to the lounge and set the things down on the coffee table, looking at the revellers by the Thames on TV.

“Of course it's already New Year in Aus,” pointed out Mark.

“You want to open it now?” Seb asked.

“No no, we should do it properly.”

“On midnight then?”

“Yep.”

Mark gave the dogs a little rub and looked to Seb.

“You'll have to watch they don't get frightened by the pop.”

“Sure.”

 

A couple of minutes later the clock face of Big Ben was filling the television screen and Mark put his arm around Sebastian. As the countdown began Seb reached across and took Mark's spare hand.

“I do love you Liebling.”

Mark smiled and forgot about the numbers being shouted from the TV.

“Love you too darling.”

He gently squeezed Sebastian's hand, then leaned in to kiss him, both of them closing their eyes as they lost themselves to it, hardly hearing the chimes of midnight ringing out. As they pulled apart for air Mark noticed the fireworks on the television and let out a little laugh.

“Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year Liebling.”

Mark gave him another quick kiss then looked to see the dogs looking up at them.

“Yes you guys too, happy New Year.”

He reached to give their fur a good ruffle as did Seb.

“Right mate you hang onto them and I'll open this.”

Mark stood, taking the champagne bottle with him. He went to the other side of the room by the Christmas tree while Sebastian ducked down to put both arms around the dogs, distracting them with a rub while Mark eased the cork out of the bottle with a pop that made Seb jump as well as the dogs. They sat up and started barking as Mark came back over.

“Yes yes, it's alright you daft things. Don't fret.”

“It's okay boys it's just champagne,” soothed Seb, giving them a rub as Mark quickly poured the fizzing liquid into the glasses before it went everywhere.

With the dogs calmed down, Sebastian stood up to take the offered glass and smiled at Mark.

“Thank you. Happy anniversary Liebling.”

“Happy anniversary darling.”

 

They clinked their glasses together then took a sip before Mark leaned in and kissed Seb again. As they lifted apart Sebastian let out a little laugh.

“Nearly spilt it then.”

“Glad to know I’m so distracting.”

“Very.”

They sat down and sipped it properly, finishing half the glass before leaning into one another.

“Of course you know we have another anniversary coming up,” pointed out Mark.

“Our wedding anniversary you mean?”

“Yeah. We could do something nice, go for a meal?”

“I'd like that.”

“Good. Just somewhere near here, not fancy, or, well we can go fancy if you like?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“I don't care as long as you're there Liebling. Just somewhere not too far then we can get a taxi.”

“More champagne?”

“We can if you like.”

“No I meant now,” smiled Mark.

“Oh, no I'm okay.”

 

Seb took another sip of his drink. As he rested his hand holding the glass against his chest to support holding the drink up he let out a little sigh.

“It's been a bit of a funny year,” he mused.

Mark smoothed over Seb's arm where his hand rested.

“Good and bad darling, mostly good.”

“Yeah. Better than the year before.”

Mark huffed a laugh, thinking that though their life never seemed to get much simpler the fact that neither of them had nearly died this year automatically made it infinitely better than the one before, not that he was about to mention that.

“Well I should hope so,” Mark asserted. “We got married for starters.”

“No of course that Liebling.”

“I know. Yeah you're right. Maybe we should just look at it this way; up and up, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“We don't know what this year is going to hold.”

“I guess.”

“2017,” noted Mark. “How did that happen?”

“I'm going to be thirty,” noted Seb.

Mark raised an eyebrow and Seb relented.

“Yeah okay. I guess it's not so old. I'm not sure I might not be glad to leave my twenties behind.”

“Well let's just see darling. We've plenty to look forward to.”

“Mm.”

Mark looked at him and Seb closed his eyes a second.

“I'm sorry Liebling. I'm really trying not to let things get to me.”

“We've not even been in the process that long darling. It's only just over four months since we were approved.”

“It feels like a long time.”

“I know. And we just had a couple of bad experiences. They weren't meant to be.”

 

Sebastian sighed and nodded. Mark put his glass down and took Seb's to put it with his before turning slightly into him and taking his hand.

“Sweetheart when it's meant to be, it's meant to be.”

“Do you think?”

“Yeah. I'm sure of it.” Mark looked into Seb's eyes. “Darling when it's meant to be we'll know. We can't rush that. It has to be right. It has to be our child. Not just any kid, but our child.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?” checked Mark.

“Mm I guess. It just feels so far off. I know it's horrible of me, but I hold Sofie and I'm jealous of my own sister. I can't bear to see adverts on TV with babies, even children. I don't want to hear anyone talk about their kids. I just feel like my heart is twisting up tight.”

“Ah Seb.”

“Don't you feel it too?”

“Of course I do.”

Sebastian pouted and Mark rubbed his thumb over the back of Seb's hand.

“I do feel it darling,” assured Mark. “I want things to come together for us too, but we just have to wait for it.”

“I don't know how long I can keep waiting,” admitted Seb.

Mark puffed a breath.

“Maybe we should call Rachel, pull that meeting forwards?”

Sebastian looked down, then back at Mark.

“I know what she's going to say. She's going to say we should widen our horizons, think about adopting an older child, that babies are too rare, too many people want them.”

“Well... I don't know, maybe we do need to think about that?” conceded Mark tentatively.

 

Sebastian's face crumpled and he shook his head, trying not to cry.

“I'm sorry. I know it's bad. I know I shouldn't say no, but I want a baby. I want them to be ours from the start. Our baby, really ours.”

“I know sweetheart, I know.”

“I know it's wrong. I know I shouldn't cling to it. I know there's children out there needing a home and it's selfish of me, but I can't help it Liebling. I close my eyes and it's what I dream of. I hold Sofie and I pray for another baby to be ours to hold in my arms. I know I shouldn't. I know I'm driving myself crazy with it. I know I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it.”

 

Sebastian took a sharp breath in after spilling all that out and tears were already flowing. Mark sighed and pulled him in. He knew Seb had been holding that all under the surface for too long. He held Seb against him, stroking over his back to soothe him, not telling Sebastian to stop crying. Mark knew he needed to let it out, that it had been coiling up inside of him and that was what the repressive silences were about.

“It's not wrong darling. It's not wrong.”

Seb shuddered into him and Mark continued to hold him.

“It's alright. It's what I want too. That's what I dream of too sweetheart. It isn't wrong to want it.”

Sebastian sat away a little, his face wet and Mark let go to reach so he could wipe away the tears.

“You do?” Seb checked.

“Of course I do darling. You know that.”

Seb sniffled and nodded.

“Sorry.”

“You don't need to be sorry. Look maybe we should talk to Rachel about widening the search, getting them to talk to authorities further away to see if they might have babies needing adoption? Tell them we'll travel, we'll go to Aberdeen if we need to?”

Sebastian managed a tiny smile.

“Aberdeen?”

“Anywhere. If that's what it takes.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian took in a shaky breath and Mark reached for the water left on the table so he could have a drink.

“Okay?” he checked.

Seb took another drink then put it down and wiped at his face again.

“Sorry.”

“You don't need to be sorry.”

“I just get so worked up inside.”

“I know darling. It's because you care. I care too.”

“I know you do. I know it just comes out differently.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian pushed out a long breath to try to speak more calmly.

“It's just not seeing any kind of time-frame. Not knowing if we could be waiting forever.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah I know. But darling I still feel it is going to happen.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I know Leanne would say I've changed my tune, but I think there are times when you just know somewhere in your soul that something is right and it is going to work out. Just like when we got together and we knew it was a done deal. I know we are meant to have a family and I know it is going to happen.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I just wish I knew when.”

Mark let out a tiny dry laugh.

“Me too darling. Look, for all we know there could be a tiny little baby out there right now who is meant to be ours and they're just waiting for us to become their family.”

 

Mark meant his words to be reassuring, but Sebastian dissolved into tears again and Mark had to hide a sigh as he pulled him back in.

“Hey, come on.”

“I just... if they're out there, on their own and they need us, they need us right now and they're... all, all on their own,” sobbed Sebastian.

“Ah dear,” sighed Mark. “I didn't mean that.”

Sebastian looked up at him, all wet eyes and long eye-lashes clumped together with tears.

“But they might be,” he appealed.

“That wasn’t what I was trying to say,” pointed out Mark.

“But people do, people just leave babies and they don't care for them and...”

“Seb calm down darling. I didn't mean to put thoughts like that in your head.”

“There are bad people in the world.”

“I know darling. I wish there weren't.”

Sebastian looked down and tried to push such thoughts away. Mark rubbed over his arm, cursing his big mouth. He knew how Seb got upset at the idea of anyone being hurt, especially children. Any time such things were mentioned on the news Mark had to switch over because he saw that terrible look pass over Seb's eyes and though he rarely said anything, it took some time before he came back to himself.

They didn't really need to talk about why it was. Mark knew why. It was the same reason Seb gave so much money away to child protection charities and shelters for people fleeing violence and never told anybody. They were anonymous donations. Mark knew Sebastian felt guilt that he could never share his experiences to help others, so he tried to quietly help in other ways. Nobody else could know, but they didn't need to. As far as Mark was concerned Seb could give away the entire contents of his bank accounts if it made him feel any better, but it was only ever a sticking plaster.

 

Mark sighed and gave Sebastian's arm another rub and a little squeeze.

“It's gonna work out darling.”

Sebastian took a settling breath and nodded.

“Yeah?” checked Mark.

“Yeah,” nodded Seb quietly.

“Come on sweetheart, you'll have me crying at this rate.”

Sebastian moved to place his cheek on Mark's shoulder and wrapped his arms around his middle while Mark put both arms around him in turn.

“Things are going to work out,” repeated Mark quietly.

They had to. If they didn't, Mark didn't know what they were going to do.

  


  


  


  


The following day Sebastian apologised again, regretting getting himself worked up the night before, but Mark as ever told him he didn't need to. Feeling calmer and more settled in the morning Seb agreed that they would be better trying to do something about it, but they weren't going to get very far trying to contact the adoption agency on New Year's Day so they had to put it to one side for now. To clear their heads they took the dogs out across the fields, walking over the frosty ground hand in hand as Shadow and Simba scampered back and forth along the footpath. They were quiet for a while but as they began to make their way up the hill Seb gave Mark's hand a squeeze.

“I am sorry I got so worked up last night Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“There's no need. It's alright.”

“I just spin myself up and then I struggle to stop myself.”

“You don't need to stop yourself,” insisted Mark. “You know what that does to you darling. Just say what you think, don't bottle things up.”

Seb let out a little sigh then nodded.

“Okay. I guess I do feel a bit better for thinking we'll do something, try to make a plan,” he offered.

“Yeah well that always helps me. We'll get in touch with Rachel.”

“When do you think she might be back in work?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. I don't think she said exactly. We can just keep ringing until we get hold of her.”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“Poor thing, she does deserve a holiday. It can't be an easy job.”

“No, well we won't harass her, we'll just find out when she's free. I'm sure she really does want to help.”

“I know she does,” accepted Seb. “Okay we'll do that then.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Feel a bit better?”

“Yes thank you Liebling.”

“That's alright. It'll make me feel better too. We'll try tomorrow. It's Monday so there's a chance she might be back in, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They reached the top of the hill and looked out across the wintry landscape. It looked pretty bleak right now but it was beautiful in its own way and they had to remember that before long the frost would melt away, the leaves would return to the trees and the crops would grow. Time would pass, spring would bloom just as it always did. Sebastian pressed into Mark as they stood looking out at the view, his arms wrapped around his middle, feeling him reassuringly there beneath his thick padded coat. Mark folded his arms around Seb in turn and they just stood quietly looking out.

  


  


Later, while Sebastian spent some time having an extra long swim, Mark sat on the phone to his sister in his study. He didn't want to give away too much of Seb's confidences but he needed someone to talk to and Mark couldn't stop himself telling Leanne that Seb had got upset and that it felt as though they were struggling with things.

“The thing is it's alright saying we know it's a long process and we have to be patient, but it's another thing actually going through that,” admitted Mark.

“Of course it is.”

“The thing is Seb tries to put on this brave front all the time and then it gets too much.”

“And it all bubbles out.”

“Yeah.”

Leanne sighed.

“Oh dear. But he's been okay since?”

“Well yeah, but not really. He's just managing it.”

“Mm. Well I can understand that. You guys have set your heart on something so many people want, but most folk, well you can see the progress can't you? When I was pregnant the first time I couldn't wait for Jemma to come along, but I had a fair idea when it was going to happen. You don't have that.”

“No,” sighed Mark. “Or even any idea of when it might happen, or even if.”

“And the longer that goes on the worse it gets?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you talked again about what happened last month?” enquired Leanne.

“I don't know what there is to say. He was heart-broken, but...” Mark sighed again. “It hurt, for both of us, but what can you do? It wasn't meant to be. We both know it probably wasn't right in the end. I think if it had gone any further she would only have changed her mind later and that really would have been a nightmare if we'd brought the baby home. So I suppose we know that it was for the best it didn't go any further.”

“But the experience still hurts.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Leanne sighed. “Ah I don't know what to suggest Mark. I think you're doing the right thing finding out if there's anything extra you can do.”

“Mm.”

“Have you tried talking to him again?”

“He just apologises for getting upset. He's trying so hard to pick himself up and be upbeat about things and I know he's doing that for me.”

“Ach Mark. God.”

 

Leanne shook her head. Why did things have to be so hard for them? She could just see poor Seb squashing down his hurt and sadness while he tried to force himself to cheer up for the sake of Mark.

“That's what him swimming the channel in the pool is about,” admitted Mark.

“Hmm?”

“Seb. When he spends all that time in the pool, he's trying to make himself feel better and work things out.”

“Yeah. Pfff... Okay, well you'll get in touch with the agency when they're back and see what they say.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think you're going to have to consider other options?”

“Oh god Leanne, that's what gets him upset.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“No it's okay. It might be true, but it's just so hard.”

“Sorry Mark.”

Mark sighed and Leanne joined him.

“You know you're doing the same thing as him,” she pointed out.

“What?”

“You put on a brave face to try to pick him up the same as Seb's doing for you.”

“Oh. Well I guess. I just hate seeing him upset.”

“Of course and he's worrying that he'll drag you down.”

“Yeah.”

Leanne took a deep breath trying to think of anything constructive she could suggest to help.

“Okay. Well look, you contact the agency, see what they say and go from there,” encouraged Leanne. “Then maybe, well I guess it depends what they do say, but if there's nothing imminent why don't you try doing something that will take your mind off it? I know that might be easier said than done.”

“No I know, but that's what we have been trying.”

“I meant something a bit bigger than walking the dogs or swimming. You're always saying you want to visit. Why don't you come out here? You could stay with Mum and Dad, see us, maybe show Seb a bit more of the country?”

Mark puffed a long breath. It was a nice idea.

“Hmm, maybe. We'll have work things coming up.”

“Well yeah, but you managed to fit in going on honeymoon last year.”

“I suppose that's true,” Mark conceded. “Yeah maybe it's an idea. We could look at our diaries, see what we could squeeze in.”

“Even just ten days. Enjoy some sunshine, get away from it all. We'd love to see you.”

“I know. We'd love to see you too,” assured Mark. “Yeah maybe. It would be nice, but I think we'll have to see what Rachel says. If she has stuff we need to work on here I know Seb won't want to go away and to be honest I wouldn't either.”

“Alright well that's fair enough, but as an option.”

“Yeah. Thanks I'll bear it in mind.”

“Okay then. So in the meantime?”

Mark puffed out a long breath.

“I'll see when Seb emerges from the pool and we'll do what we've been doing. Find something distracting for the rest of the day and try Rachel tomorrow.”

“Right, well let me know, yeah?”

“Yeah. Thanks Leanne.”

“No problem.”

“Oh don't go promising Mum and Dad we're going to come and stay. It all depends.”

“I'm not going to promise them Mark. It's just an idea.”

“Okay, sorry.”

“That's alright.”

Mark managed a little smile at how understanding his sister was.

“I'd better go. Thanks again. I really appreciate it.”

“No worries. Give my love to Seb won't you?”

“I will, and mine to your lot.”

“Bye then.”

“Bye.”

Leanne hung up and shook her head. It sounded as though her brother needed a break and a lift as much as Sebastian did. She wished there was something she could do to help, but other than giving advice she was as usual stuck too far away. If only they came to visit she could at least give them the hug she thought they needed. Until then she, just like them, would have to wait.

  


 

 

  


Seeing as it was Monday the next day Mark took a punt and tried ringing the agency, only to go straight to voicemail. They were sat at the kitchen table and as Seb looked over at him Mark could only give a little shake of his head to indicate no answer.

“Hi Rachel, it's Mark Vettel-Webber. You're still off I'm guessing, but um, could you maybe give us a ring when you come back? Thanks. I hope you had a nice Christmas.”

Mark hung up and shook his head.

“I hate leaving voice-mails. Did that sound stupid?”

“No it was fine Liebling,” assured Seb.

“Hmm.”

“Well maybe we should email her?”

“I think she's still on holiday sweetheart. It's only the second of January. I guess plenty of people are still off.”

“No that's what I meant; she might have an 'out of office' on her auto-reply so it would tell us when she's back,” suggested Seb.

“Oh. That's a good point. Yeah alright.”

 

They got up and went through to Mark's office, opening up his laptop and quickly composing an email which essentially said little more than Mark's voicemail, but explaining that they would appreciate the chance to have a chat soon if she could fit them in. They waited a moment after sending and sure enough, as Sebastian had suggested, an automated out of office email bounced back saying she was taking some time off over Christmas and New Year and was due back on Wednesday the 4th of January. It gave her mobile number in case of emergencies underneath, but Seb shook his head.

“It's not an emergency. She deserves a break.”

“Yeah course. I'm sure she'll ring us or email back when she can.”

“She'll probably have a pile of stuff waiting for her if she's been off,” Seb noted.

“No doubt, but she'll get back to us.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well...” Mark looked properly. “What do you want to do now?”

Seb puffed a breath and shrugged. It was only half past nine. They hadn't exactly waited long to contact her.

“I dunno Liebling, go out somewhere?”

“Yeah okay. Find a new place to take the dogs? Go somewhere different in the car,” Mark proposed.

“That sounds nice,” agreed Seb.

“Come on then.” Mark looked down to the dogs who had followed them. “C'mon boys we'll find somewhere interesting for you to run around, get some fresh air.”

 

They really had nothing better to do other than to take the dogs out or use the gym and pool. There was no snow, but the roads were icy so bike rides weren't a good idea, unless they were willing to risk coming off and neither of them fancied starting the year with an injury. Sebastian was due in at the factory for the first meetings of the year on the Friday which felt like the end of the holidays, so in the meantime they wanted to make the most of their time together. Seb was trying as best he could to not obsess about things he could do nothing about, with mixed success, so in truth he thought going back to work might be a blessing in disguise.

  


 

 

On the Tuesday afternoon they got in from taking the dogs out for their second walk of the day while it was still light. It really had been cold out, with steely skies above that Sebastian had suggested might threaten snow. Mark had put his arm around him while they sat at the top of the hill, knowing that it was at least half wishful thinking, but for now it held off. They had been sat up there for quite a while so when they got in Mark made up the fire while Seb concocted what Mark called his 'special German hot chocolate'. That done they reconvened on the sofa to warm up, leaning into one another with their drinks, the dogs content at their feet.

“Shall we put something on?” offered Mark.

“Yeah if you like. I don't know what there is on TV.”

“Mm, we could watch one of the DVDs we got for Christmas.”

He took another sip of his drink then put it down to find the small pile of new DVDs sat near the television still in their plastic wrappers.

“What about this?” proposed Mark holding up the copy of 'Finding Dory' that Fabian had got them. “I think it's just a follow-up, but...”

“Yeah okay.”

“Righto.”

Mark grappled with the cellophane wrapping, then opened the case and slotted the DVD into the player, switching things on and bringing the remote control over to the sofa as he dodged the dogs to sit back down. He caught Seb looking over at the Christmas tree.

“Alright?”

“Yeah. We don't have to take it down yet do we?”

“The tree? No, not if you don't want to. Twelfth night officially you’re meant to do it.”

“When's that?”

“Umm, dunno.”

While the DVD loaded Mark pulled out his phone and Googled the answer.

“Thursday. Well there you go. How's that? We can take stuff down before you go back to work. That's not bad timing.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian pouted and Mark tried pouting back to tease him.

“Will you be sad without the decorations?”

“A bit.”

Mark leaned in to plant a kiss on those lovely pouting lips.

“Well I don't think we can keep them up all year.” he pointed out.

Sebastian smiled.

“I know. It's alright. Yeah Thursday. That'll give us time. Maybe we could do something different on Saturday? Go into Oxford maybe? I know it'll be busy.”

“That's okay. We can do that, sure. You want to go bargain hunting in the sales?”

Seb huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“No, just to do something else, that's all.”

“Sure. Right you are then sweetheart, we'll do that. There we are then. Nice to have a little plan.”

“We can do what you want to on Sunday,” offered Seb.

“I'm perfectly happy going into town.”

“Yeah okay, but you can pick something for the next day.”

“Alright. I'll think of something.”

“Something outdoorsy.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah sweetheart you know me too well. Maybe we'll get that snow?”

“Maybe. You gonna press play?” prompted Seb.

Mark looked to see the menu page now displaying on the TV screen.

“Oh, yeah.”

 

He pressed play while Seb finished off his drink and they settled in comfortably together. Seb curled his feet up onto the sofa and leaned into Mark as they always did, Mark's arm around him. As the pre-titles played out Sebastian thought how wonderfully cosy and safe this felt. He knew how lucky he really was. He knew he needed to work more on feeling grateful for what he had and try to stop churning himself up yearning for more, but it wasn't easy.

Within a couple of minutes Mark was wondering whether he ought to be regretting his choice. The opening scene was designed to pluck at the heart-strings as a tiny Dory lost her parents and floated in the big wide ocean, uncared for and alone. He heard a sniffle and looked down to see Seb leaning into his chest, tears streaming down his cheeks. Mark sighed and gave Sebastian's arm a little rub.

“Sweetheart do you want to watch something else?”

Sebastian shook his head against him.

“Okay,” relented Mark.

He decided not to say too much about it. Perhaps a good cry that you could excuse on a film was cathartic? As the story played out Mark had to admit he was touched by the idea of the parents laying out the little shells in a trail, hoping against hope that their lost child would find them and come home... God he was going to go himself. Mark squeezed Sebastian in and kissed his temple.

“Okay sweetheart?”

Seb gave a small nod and tried to wipe at his eyes, so Mark hooked his thumb into the sleeve of his hoody and gently dried them for him.

“Thank you Liebling,” offered Seb quietly.

“That's okay.”

Sebastian shifted up a little to rest his head on Mark's shoulder to watch the last part of the film play out. Thankfully the mood lightened a little for the end and Mark was glad to see a smile on Seb's face at some of the silly jokes and a happy ending.

“Just keep swimming,” said Seb, his voice still quiet.

“Hm?”`

“Just keep swimming.” Sebastian sat up to look at him. “We have to keep swimming.”

“Oh.”

Seb was looking at him with those big blue eyes, still a little pinked from crying.

“We can't give up.”

“No,” agreed Mark, not needing further explanation as to what Seb was referring to.

“When Rachel calls we'll just tell her we'll do anything, whatever it takes. Like you say, we'll go to Aberdeen if need be.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark softly, pleased to hear a bit more optimism in Seb's voice.

“And...” Sebastian sighed. “If we really have to think about other options, then, well, okay maybe we have to do that?”

Mark took his hand.

“Yeah okay, but we'll try talking to Rachel first. You never know darling, I'm sure she's got contacts elsewhere and widening the search might help.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and nodded, then leaned in to kiss Mark.

“Thank you.”

Mark shook his head.

“I haven't done anything.”

“Yes you have. You always do,” insisted Seb.

“Well, anyway, you're right darling. We have to keep swimming. No giving up.”

“No.”

Mark gave him a kiss back.

“Right then sweetheart, what say we find something cheery to put on, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark smiled and got up to peruse the DVD shelves looking for something he knew the entire plot of this time, a comedy, something to pick them up and definitely nothing that was going to make them cry. They'd done far too much of that.

  


  


 

 

  


The next day they had already taken the dogs out, been for a swim and were in the kitchen by late morning, considering starting making an early lunch when Mark's phone rang. He pulled it out and looked to Seb, not recognising the mobile phone number displayed.

“Hello?”

“Hi is that Mark?”

“Um yes.”

“Hi Mark, it's Rachel.”

“Oh Rachel, sorry I didn't recognise your number. Hang on.”

Mark set the phone down on the table as he and Sebastian sat down.

“Seb's here,” added in Mark. “Did you get our message? Sorry for bothering you while you were off.”

“Oh no that's okay. Sorry, yes I've had my hands full. That's why I haven't called back.”

“That's alright. Are you back at the office today then?” Mark asked conversationally seeing as he remembered that it was Wednesday which was when her email had said she was due back from her holiday.

“No actually I'm at the hospital, hence the mobile.”

“Oh gosh, Rachel are you okay?” interjected Sebastian sounding concerned.

“Bless you. Yes, I'm fine. I'm not here for me. It's work. That's why I'm calling,” she explained.

Sebastian frowned.

“Work?”

“Yes. I didn't want to call until we were a bit further on.”

“Further on with what?”

“I've had an emergency case come up. It's possible I may have a match for you.”

 

Sebastian took in a sharp breath and grabbed Mark's hand who now spoke for them.

“A match?”

“Yes. Now I don't want to promise anything, but could you maybe come down to see me to discuss it?”

Mark looked to Seb who nodded rapidly.

“Yeah we can come. Right now?”

“If you can come now, yes. I'm at the Radcliffe. Do you know where that is?”

Mark huffed a dry little laugh thinking he'd never manage to forget where that hospital was.

“Yeah we know where that is. Okay we'll come straight there. Where do we need to go?”

“Maternity ward. Just ask at the main desk there and the staff nurse will get me. I've pretty much made camp here the past few days so they know me.”

“Right. Okay.”

“Just for a chat to begin with okay?” checked Rachel cautiously.

“Yep we understand.”

“I'll explain when I see you.”

“We'll be half an hour or so.”

“Sure. Alright well I'll see you when you get here. I'd better get back inside.”

“Are you stood out in the cold?”

“Yeah, no mobiles indoors, so if you ring I won't be able to answer. Just ask on the desk.”

“Okay we'll see you shortly.”

Mark hung up and looked to Seb, puffing out a breath.

“Oh my god,” let out Sebastian.

Mark squeezed his hand.

“It's just a chat darling.”

“Yes but if she's at the hospital?”

“Mm, well okay. We'll just have to see what's going on when we get there. I don't think she wanted to explain over the phone.”

“No. Okay.”

Sebastian took in deep breath, telling himself firmly not to get his hopes up. It was just a chat. They had no idea what was going on.

“We should get going,” he asserted.

“Yep.”

 

Mark stood and went to top up the dogs' bowls seeing as they didn't know how long they might be. His guess was something complicated from Rachel's tone and the fact it sounded as though she'd had her hands full with whatever it was. Best thing was to get there and see. As they pulled on coats and shoes in the hallway Mark looked to Seb and gave him a quick hug.

“We're just going to see her, right?” noted Mark.

“Yep,” nodded Sebastian. “It's okay. We'll just see what it's about.”

“Right.”

Mark took a deep breath and they headed out.

  


 

They were fairly quiet on the journey. As they parked up and crossed the car-park Sebastian took Mark's hand.

“I'm not gonna get my hopes up,” he asserted.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah we'll just see.”

They both knew that of course they really were hoping despite themselves. Mark kept tight hold of Seb's hand unable to entirely remove from his mind the fact that they had once crossed this same car-park in a far worse situation, Sebastian in a terrible state when he had relapsed after his accident, barely able to stand and Mark panicking as he half dragged him into A&E. Thankfully this time they weren't headed there, but the main entrance. Mark looked to Seb and gave him a little smile. He was pretty sure Seb didn't remember any of that and he wasn't about to remind him. All a long time ago. Right now Mark wanted to focus on their potential future, not the past. He looked up at the hospital building wondering what it might hold for them, then squeezed Seb's hand.

Not getting their hopes up. Yeah right.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping people aren't so caught up with today's shock news in F1 to read this... ;)


	193. Priorities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay then, so let's step through those hospital doors and see what happens next...

 

* * *

 

 

As the sliding doors opened and they stepped into the hospital foyer out of the cold, they passed the main reception desk and looked for the large map on the wall with directions and signs to other floors, then got into a lift, still not letting go of each other's hand. The lift pinged open as they reached their floor and saw the sign facing them as they walked out which read; 'Maternity Ward'. It was impossible not to think of the disappointment they had suffered the last time they had been in such a place and both of them hoped to god that wasn't about to happen again. At least this was a different hospital to the last time.

To the side there was a desk with a nurse sat behind it, head down, apparently buried in paperwork and Mark had to cough to get her to look up.

“Oh, sorry, yes?” she greeted.

“Hi, we're looking for Rachel Groves. I don't know if she mentioned we'd be coming?”

The nurse looked down at a clipboard.

“Ah yes. Name?”

“Vettel-Webber, Mark and Sebastian.”

“Right, yes. Okay you are down on the visitors list. So if you'll just need to go down the corridor here to the left and it's the door right at the end, you can't miss it.”

“Thanks.”

 

Mark gave Seb a little smile and they both nodded thanks to the nurse before following her to disinfect their hands and be let through, then continuing on as directed, coming to a door with a half-window frosted out. It was closed and there was no sign what lay beyond it, so they knocked and the door opened to reveal their case worker.

“Oh you found me. That's great. Thanks for coming in at such short notice. I knew you would,” she smiled.

Rachel stood back and they entered a room that was clearly usually just a waiting room for families. It was lined with hard-wearing soft seating with a coffee table in the centre with what they presumed was Rachel's laptop and several files of paperwork piled up.

“Sorry. I've sort of taken over in here. Thankfully it's been quiet so they just found a space to tuck me out of the way,” Rachel explained, tidying up a little as she sat and shutting the laptop. Her bag was set on one of the seats as was a winter coat and scarf. There were several used take-out coffee cups stacked inside one another on the table that certainly hinted that she had spent a considerable amount of time here recently.

She looked back up at them and indicated over to the seating to the side.

“Why don't you sit down and I can fill you in? It's been a bit of a hectic few days.”

 

Mark and Sebastian sat down to the side, their hands still linked and she gave a little smile, seeing how on tenterhooks there clearly were.

“Okay, well first off apologies for not answering your messages. I did pick them up, but I’ve rather had my hands full with a high priority case. I was thinking of you, but I didn’t want to get in touch until things were more sorted out.”

Seb and Mark both nodded, unsure whether to ask, but Seb couldn’t stop himself.

“So… You said a match? Is it, I mean there’s a baby?”

Rachel saw Mark squeeze his hand and Seb’s voice was contained such measured hope she wanted to squeeze his hand herself.

“Yes. I think I’d better explain. Now you know you’re cleared to foster to adopt don't you?”

“Yes,” confirmed Mark, not wanting to comment that that hadn't helped the last failed match.

“Mm, so that’s one of the reasons I called you because ideally we don’t want to keep a child in hospital or institutionalised care any longer than we can manage, but as we’re talking about a match you do understand how that could work if you did that; technically it would be a fostering arrangement while the legal adoption paperwork goes through and that is over several months?”

“Yeah we understand.”

“Okay, sorry. I just wanted to clarify that first,” stated Rachel, not wanting to say that she knew once she moved on, such technical details would be forgotten if they got too excited. “So then, as I said, that was one of the reasons I thought of you guys first, as this is, well it’s been a bit of a complicated situation. I had an emergency call out, but I didn't want to contact you until I was more certain how things were looking. Though we’re at the point now where we can say we’re in need of placing the child with a family. It's a priority case now. Ideally we want to find him an emergency foster home as soon as possible.”

She looked to the couple opposite still hanging on her every word, hands linked as they waited to hear what she told them.

“So this might seem a silly question, but would you like to hear the details to see what you think?” Rachel checked.

Mark released a tense little laugh, knowing he didn't need to check with Seb before answering.

“God yes.”

Rachel smiled.

“I thought so.”

“It’s a baby?” asked Seb again.

“Yes.”

Sebastian bit his lip, instantly needing to stop his eyes watering with emotion. He blinked quickly and held tightly onto Mark’s hand.

“Is he newborn if we’re in maternity?” Mark enquired.

“Yes. He was born on New Year’s Eve, well, shortly after midnight actually, so New Year's Day. He was a couple of weeks premature, born at thirty-seven weeks, but he’s doing well. They had him in an incubator for the first twenty-four hours, but he’s a strong little thing, so since then he seems to have been fine on his own.”

 

“On his own?” echoed Sebastian.

“Yes, well I’m afraid that’s rather the thing. Sadly the mother had some undiagnosed medical problems which caused her to go into labour early and there were complications.”

“Complications? With the baby?”

“No, well, other than being born early and needing extra care. They had to give him oxygen when he was born as a precaution after a difficult birth, but no the baby is fine, no apparent issues other than being a bit small. It was the mother who was in real difficulty. Without getting too much into it, I’m afraid she lost too much blood, went into shock, and, well, I’m sad to say she died.”

Seb’s mouth opened and his hand shot to cover it.

“Oh my god that’s awful.”

“Yes. It’s rare nowadays, but sadly it does happen,” confirmed Rachel.

“But the baby’s okay?”

“Yes. They’ve been keeping a very close eye on him, but though he’s small, the nurses say he’s a sturdy little chap.”

Sebastian swallowed to control the wash of emotion and shook his head.

“Poor little thing.”

“Yes,” agreed Rachel. “So they called me in first thing on New Year’s Day and that’s what I and quite a few others have been trying to sort out about ever since.”

“What about the father?” asked Mark.

Rachel looked to him.

“Rather what we were looking at, but it seems there is none. Or, well it would better to say none we can find. Certainly no father to list for the birth certificate. They did ask her when she came in, trying to establish who to call to be with her, but she said there was no one.”

“No one?”

Rachel shook her head.

“It’s really very sad. She was pre-deceased by her parents, no brothers or sisters, no family at all and as to the child's father, well we’ve had social services, the police, anyone we can think of investigating to try to find one, but even speaking to any friends and work colleagues it seems it’s a dead end. She was very cagey about the pregnancy apparently and everyone we’ve asked has just given us the same answer that they've no clue. I suppose it is possible she didn’t know herself. Certainly we can't find any trace.”

Mark puffed a short breath.

“Do you think he’s likely to come out of the woodwork?”

Rachel gave a tip of her head.

“In my experience if they haven’t by now, then no. It’s entirely feasible whoever the father is he has no idea. We’ve spent the past few days chasing that down to no end.”

 

Sebastian sat thinking back to when he was young and the mistakes he had made. Nights when he had drunk too much, blurry events he wanted to forget. He hadn’t always known their name, not the next day anyway. Who was he to judge someone?

“How old was she?” he asked.

Rachel picked up the file in front of her and opened it to double-check.

“Twenty-six. Quiet girl really, there’s not much in here: white, single, in general good health, worked as an office assistant, a few friends, lived on her own in a flat in town, didn’t go out much apparently, even less when she found out she was pregnant and well, that’s about it. Parents were killed in a car crash when she was nineteen, she dropped out of university and stayed in the city.”

“Oxford?” asked Mark, making the presumption from where they were.

“Yes, bright girl, but I don’t know, it sounds as though things rather fell apart for her there,” explained Rachel. “Very sad.”

“What was her name?”

“Alice Elizabeth Lawton. She’d already chosen the baby’s name apparently: Theo. She told the nurses when they brought her in, more concerned with that than them making any contacts, but I suppose if there were none.”

“None?” repeated Mark. “Really no next of kin at all?”

“No. We really have been on this practically twenty-four seven. Ideally we look for family as you know, as we have a duty to establish that’s not an option before we can place a child elsewhere.”

“As in adoption?”

“Yes, though as I say, officially it would be fostering until the legal adoption is confirmed and that takes several months.”

“Okay.”

“His name is Teo?” checked Sebastian, pronouncing it with the hard German ‘T’ rather than ‘Th’.

“Theo.”

“Right. Did she, I mean, when did she die? Was it…” Sebastian shook his head, feeling bad that he was asking for details. “I mean did she at least see him?”

Rachel sighed and shook her head.

“I don’t think she regained consciousness. It happened pretty fast apparently. You’d think these things don’t happen these days, but I’m afraid they do.”

 

Seb nodded. He wasn’t sure why he was asking all this, but it felt as though they needed to understand. He wondered what she’d looked like. This poor girl, on her own, doubtless in pain and frightened, only concerned for her baby, telling the nurses his name. Sebastian thought he might cry. He was sure she must have been so hopeful of a new future with a family again of her own. Twenty-six was so young still. He’d been such a mess at twenty-six, so desperate, so alone. Had she been like him?

“Are you alright sweetheart?” checked Mark.

Sebastian looked up.

“Yeah. Sorry, it’s just so sad.”

“Yeah.”

Mark took in a breath and looked to Rachel.

“Okay, so what’s the situation now? He’s okay, the baby?”

“Yes he’s doing well, but as I mentioned, if he no longer requires medical care then we don’t want him staying in hospital longer than he needs to. The staff here do what they can of course and they’ve been taking good care of him, but a baby really needs twenty-four hour attention, one-to-one care and love.” She looked at the pair of them. “Even better if it’s two-to-one care. He needs a family.”

 

Mark felt Seb squeeze his hand and squeezed it back.

“Okay, so it is an adoption you’re looking at?”

“Yes. Fostering to start with officially, but yes we’d be getting the adoption process started as soon as we can ideally. You remember we talked about how that works?”

“Yes.”

“We still have the graduated process whereby we make sure it is working out and everyone is happy, you included, then take each step forwards to eventually granting final adoption papers.”

“Okay.”

Mark took in a breath and looked to Seb who nodded, then looked to Rachel.

“You really don’t think the father might turn up?”

Rachel puffed a breath.

“We’ve made our enquiries with no result, but it isn’t impossible someone could come forward. However they would actually have to prove they are the father. If the name isn’t put on the birth certificate they don’t actually have parental rights.”

“Really?”

“Not unless they were married, which obviously wasn’t the case here. They would have to request a DNA test to prove paternity. They would also have to move pretty fast, as once the adoption process begins it is more difficult, so they would only have a window of a few weeks.”

Seb took a settling breath and nodded. The idea that someone could turn up out of the blue and take away what they had been longing for was horrible.

“You don’t think it’s likely then?” asked Mark.

“To be honest no. In a situation like this it’s very rare that an entirely unknown father would emerge to make a claim.”

“You mean if he hasn’t taken responsibility so far he’s unlikely to change?”

“Well essentially, yes. Going on what I’ve been told…” Rachel paused as she thought about it. “I deal with cases where it’s usually either a bad family situation or mothers on their own a lot, but you tend to be told the father isn’t interested, or they don’t want the father involved. She apparently said there _was_ no father, not that it was complicated, just no father. That's the same we’ve been fed back from those who knew her. I think this may well be a case where it effectively is just that: There is no father. There was no boyfriend or even any names we were given as suggestions to chase up, just an unexpected pregnancy she didn’t seem to want to give any details on to those who knew her. Believe me we’ve spent the past few days searching, but there wasn’t much to go on.”

“No okay.”

“I can understand your concerns.”

“We just want to know what we’d be getting into,” explained Mark.

“Of course. I know you want to adopt. Fostering is just the official route to enable that as quickly as possible. It’s far better for a baby to be with their family as soon as they can rather than being placed in a foster home and moved on.”

Seb had to bite his lip again. The idea of a baby being passed around like that with no real family tugged hard at his heart.

“We could do that. We can foster. We are approved aren’t we?” he asserted.

“Yes you are,” confirmed Rachel. “As I say, that’s one of the reasons you’re top of my list. I take it you’re interested then?”

“Oh my god, yes.”

Rachel almost laughed at how eagerly he nearly bit her hand off at that.

“Mark?” she checked.

“Of course we’re interested. Yes.”

“Right. Okay then. That’s great.”

Rachel smiled and sat back a moment. God she was tired. It felt as though she had hardly seen home all week. She’d known this was the right call. They looked so eager, so keen to hear all the details and all that barely suppressed anxiety that they might have their hopes dashed. After what had happened last time she understood that, but surely this had to be right this time? It wasn’t just abstract though. A match was more than paperwork.

 

“Okay, so then, do you want to meet him?” she offered.

Mark thought Seb might actually be bruising his hand he gripped it so hard. Mark gave a little squeeze back and Seb loosened his hold as he realised.

“Yes we’d very much like that,” Mark confirmed in as calm a voice as he could when what he was tempted to say was; _‘Are you kidding? We’ve been wanting that since we stepped out of the lift.’_

“Right then, give me a minute, I need to speak to the nurses.”

Rachel stood up and had to resist going over to give at least one of them a shoulder rub, they looked so anxious and hopeful. This had to work out. As she stepped out of the room she closed her eyes and said a silent prayer.

  


  


 

 

Left alone in the waiting room Mark and Sebastian turned into one another.

“Oh my god,” let out Seb.

“I know.”

Sebastian took in a breath and pushed it out. His heart was pounding.

“Oh god I’m so nervous Liebling.”

Mark nodded.

“Me too. Okay, okay, let’s just… I don’t know. Let’s just see.”

Seb scrunched his eyes tight and Mark pulled him into a hug. This had to work out. Surely? This was what they had been praying for, longing for, dreaming and wishing and hoping for what felt like an eternity. Mark had been saying for so long that it would all come together at some point, that it was meant to be and they would know. Did he know now? God, all he really knew was that he was nervous as hell. Were they about to meet their baby? Was he going to know it was right just as he had promised himself. Just as he had promised Seb. Oh Christ. It had to be right, please be right, please be right.

Mark closed his eyes as they pressed into one another, praying again. No mother to change her mind this time, no family to step in. Surely that meant it was really up to them to decide? Would they know it was their child, that it was right? Was he going to look at a baby and feel it in his heart? Could you look at a baby and just love it right away? Would he know it was _their_ baby? Please God.

Mark took in a deep breath trying to stop his mind running on and lifted away to look at Seb.

“It’s gonna be fine sweetheart.”

Sebastian nodded anxiously, praying all the same prayers as Mark. He almost felt shaky with barely repressed nerves. He pushed out a breath and Mark gave him another hug before they sat back, hands locked, both looking to the closed door waiting for it to reopen.

  


  


They waited what seemed to be an interminable amount of time for Rachel to return, though in reality it was perhaps only five minutes until the door slowly opened. Seb and Mark had been thinking that she might come back having arranged for them to go through to see where the baby was being looked after on a ward perhaps, but as she entered the room Rachel was followed by a nurse bearing in her arms a tiny bundle wrapped in a white baby blanket.

Both Seb and Mark leapt up from their seats to see the smallest little baby in front of them. It had a little fleece hat on to keep its head warm and below that in sleeping repose they saw the tiny features of a newborn: soft pink skin still puffy and wrinkled at the eyes that lay shut, the smallest snub nose and tiny rosebud mouth below, partially opened as he breathed, seemingly unperturbed by being moved from his crib, fast asleep and entirely unaware that he was experiencing what might be the most important moment in his life.

Sebastian gasped and took a hold of Mark’s arm as they both stared down at the baby, hardly daring to speak.

“Do you want to hold him?”

They both looked up to see Rachel smiling at them and Seb looked to Mark.

“Oh Liebling I think my arms might shake.”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh and put his hand over Seb’s to give it a rub.

“Better be me then,” he volunteered.

The nurse instructed him to sit and they all went to sit back down, Seb and Mark close together as the nurse carefully passed the baby into Mark’s waiting arms. She was about to tell him to take care to support the baby’s head, but Mark automatically held his arms crooked ready to hold him and the nurse smiled.

“You’ve done this before.”

“Yeah.” Mark puffed out a breath almost in relief that he had done it correctly without dropping the child or falling foul of the nurse’s approval. “Nieces, nephew.”

He gave a little shrug, not wanting to refer to the last time they had held a newborn seeing as he didn't want to make Seb think of all the hurt that had followed when the match had fallen through.

She nodded and looked to be certain he was holding the baby properly and that the child seemed settled.

“I see. Okay well if you’re happy for a while, Rachel ask on the desk and they’ll get me. Take as long as you like. He’s due a feed in about an hour, but, well…” She looked to Rachel. “Perhaps you might like to?”

“Yes we might. We’ll just see, thank you,” replied Rachel.

“Right you are then. I’ll pop back in a bit see how you’re doing. Any issues, ask them to find me.”

“Thank you.”

 

Mark and Seb tore their eyes from gazing at the child to look at the nurse and offered their own thanks before looking back down again. Mark took a careful breath in, not wanting to disturb the sleeping baby and Rachel smiled over at them.

“What do you think then?”

Mark glanced up.

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“He’s so small.”

“Mm, well a few weeks early. Not dangerously premature and he seems to be doing well, clean bill of health from the doctors here.”

“Great.”

“He’s beautiful,” breathed Sebastian quietly, not even lifting his gaze from the baby.

 

Rachel nodded, not wanting to pressurise them into any quick decisions.

“Well why don’t we just take a bit of time here if you’re happy?” she checked.

“Sure,” replied Mark.

He looked back down at the baby, then to Seb.

“’kay sweetheart?”

“Yeah.”

“You want a hold?”

Sebastian bit his lip and nodded.

“I’ll help,” volunteered Rachel, bobbing up from her seat to assist passing the baby from one to the other.

Sebastian made sure he was sat back on the seat before he took hold, anxiously making sure he had his arm crooked high enough to be sure that the baby was supported properly as Rachel settled him into his arms.

“Got him?”

“Yep. Oh wow.”

Rachel smiled again and nodded.

“He’s lovely isn’t he? The nurses all say he’s good as gold, but I’m not sure he’s quite clicked he’s really entered the wide world yet. He always seems to be sleeping when I see him.”

“You’ve been here a lot then?” asked Mark.

“Yes just easier co-ordinating with the hospital and everything, plus the council offices are deserted over New Year.”

“Ah right.”

He looked back to Seb who had the softest smile on his face and Mark wanted to say something, but he couldn’t think what. Instead he reached over and lightly touched the baby’s cheek and sighed at how soft the new skin was.

“He’s gorgeous.”

“Yeah,” whispered Sebastian, his eyes not leaving the baby.

Mark smiled and touched the baby’s tiny little nose, shaking his head at how small every little feature was. He was still trying to adjust to the fact that they were sat here at all, while Seb couldn’t take his eyes from the baby.

“He’s so light,” commented Seb.

“Six pound four ounces,” stated Rachel. “A bit small, but no reason to think there’ll be any issues. He was born at thirty-seven weeks which is just borderline to classing as full-term.”

Seb looked up to her, worrying that she had taken it as a criticism.

“Oh I just meant, I don’t know. He’s like a doll. He’s so perfect.”

Rachel nodded.

“Yes I know what you mean. Feeding well though so that’s a good sign.”

Sebastian nodded and looked back down. He huffed out a little air it felt as though he had been holding in and relaxed a fraction seeing as the baby seemed fairly comfortable. As he looked down he tried to work out what he was feeling, but so far all his brain was willing to compute was; _‘Wow’_ and; _‘Oh god, mustn’t drop him._ ’

 

Rachel watched on, trying not to be too obvious that she was judging how they were doing and what they seemed to be thinking. Seeing them apparently quite capable of holding the baby safely and not wanting to do anything other than gaze at him, she pulled forwards the file of notes on them and checked over the details once more to be sure she had all she needed. She had been over and over everything before calling them, but she wanted to be sure she had everything covered and as it seemed as though they were here for the duration so she might as well keep busy.

 

Having fallen into a silence Sebastian realised he had lost all track of time and looked up to Mark who was sat beside him, taking care not to lean into the baby.

“Do you want another hold?” offered Seb.

“Arms getting tired?” teased Mark.

“No just I don’t want to hog him.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and this time they succeeded in passing the baby over between them without Rachel’s assistance. Seb carefully shuffled forwards, then turned in to Mark to place him into a mirror hold, trying not to trap arms beneath or accidentally let go at the same time which was trickier than it looked even if you had done it before. Once safely in place with Mark Sebastian sat back, feeling a little relief again that he hadn’t messed up. Mark smiled at him and they fell back into looking at the baby. He hitched his arms up just a fraction and the baby seemed to snuffle about and a little arm poked out from the blanket to swipe at his face.

 

The pair of them seemed to take in the same breath of air as Seb dared reaching to put his finger by the hand that really did look as though it belonged to a doll. Tiny little fingers curled around Seb’s forefinger and the feeling was so extraordinary he really thought he might start crying.

“Oh god Mark,” breathed Seb.

“He likes you.”

Sebastian bit his lip and looked back down at the tiniest fingers holding onto his. Over to the side Rachel hid how she observed them, but a smile was on her lips too. She’d known before she made the call that it was the right one. These were the days that made all the ones that nearly killed her worthwhile.

“Have you got Papa’s hand there kiddo?” whispered Mark, half a look to Seb who took in another sharp little breath at being called that.

He’d mainly meant it as a little tease to Sebastian, but without warning the baby suddenly flickered his eyelashes and opened his eyes for the first time. He looked up, right into Mark’s eyes and it was as though a lightning bolt shot down from the sky and hit him. Blue eyes. The brightest big blue eyes staring right up at him, right into his eyes, right into his soul.

 

Mark blinked unexpected tears away. He took in a breath and huffed a little laugh.

“Hello. Wow, hey there kiddo.”

Mark swallowed, still locked on those blue eyes that wouldn’t look away. He pushed out a calming breath and smiled at the baby, speaking so quietly it was barely audible.

“Hi sweetheart did we wake you?”

He huffed a tiny laugh to himself at him saying that as if the baby could answer when Mark guessed he had no idea what was even going on. Mark didn't quite dare say it out-loud just yet, but as he continued to look down, in his head Mark thought; 'I think I'm your daddy.'

 _Daddy_. Oh god, even the word squeezed his heart.

As the baby blinked again he moved his head about a bit and opened his mouth in a little yawn that made both Seb and Mark smile at how cute he was as he scrunched his tiny face about. As the baby settled back comfortably again he looked at Sebastian who was leaning in slightly, then blinked a couple of times before the blinking slowed and his eyes closed once more. Mark looked to Sebastian and smiled at him.

“All worn out.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb quietly.

“Just wanted to say hello I guess,” commented Mark.

“Mm, isn't he lovely?”

“Yeah sweetheart, absolutely gorgeous. Such blue eyes.”

“They can change you know,” Seb pointed out.

“Hmm.”

“Not always, but I read in one of the books, sometimes with newborns the colour changes, but maybe not.”

“Maybe not,” echoed Mark, somehow knowing that they wouldn't. Perhaps it was the baby's delicate fair skin, or light eyelashes and barely-there brows that hinted at his colouring, but Mark had a sense that those blue eyes weren't going to change.

  


They sat for a good long while, losing all sense of time. Mark guessed Seb wanted another turn so he passed the baby back again, joking that the poor little thing would be wondering why he was going back and forth like a yo-yo, but he actually seemed quite happy, warmly wrapped up and securely held. The baby had gone back to sleep but eventually he woke up again and turned his head, snuffling his face into Seb's chest. Mark smiled as he guessed what that was about.

“I think he's hungry.” Mark touched the baby's cheek and he looked at him. “No joy there sweetheart, sorry.”

Sebastian gave a half-smile and shook his head, though he wondered if that was instinctive in babies to seek out milk even if they had no mother. Rachel looked up from where she had picked up her laptop to do a little work.

“Do you want to have a go at feeding him?” she offered.

Sebastian only needed to send the slightest of glances to Mark before he nodded and she got up to go find the nurse, leaving them alone with the baby. He wriggled a bit in his arms and Mark leaned in to get his attention.

 

“Dinner's coming little one, don't fret.”

He looked up to Sebastian who smiled at him and Mark smiled back.

“Alright?”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb.

“So...”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and looked back down to the baby he could hardly believe he held in his arms.

“It's just so sad.”

“Hm?” frowned Mark.

“What happened. His poor mother and there being no family. He's so tiny and just all alone in the world. It just makes me so sad to think he's got no one, no family at all.”

Mark looked at him and didn't have to consider his words before he spoke.

“Yes he does. He has us. We're his family now.”

He said it so resolutely that it almost surprised Mark himself, but he knew it to be true. Sebastian nodded tightly, then tears leaked out and Mark had to reach to brush them away seeing as Seb's arms were full.

“Yeah,” sniffled Seb.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. He's ours. He is isn't he Liebling? Rachel will let us have him won't she?”

“I'm pretty sure that's why she called us darling.”

“Yeah, but... I wish we could just adopt right away. I wish we didn't have to say we were fostering. That doesn't seem right. He should be ours.”

“He will be darling. It's just the system.”

“We're not going to change our minds are we?”

“No.”

“You feel it too don't you?” checked Seb. “It just feels so right holding him.”

“Yeah it does. He's ours alright.”

Mark smiled and found the baby's little hand to encourage him to hold onto his finger in the same way he had held Seb's. The baby grabbed tightly on and Mark laughed.

“Strong little thing aren't you? Small but strong. Who does that remind me of?”

He grinned at Seb who frowned.

“Me?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head but Mark nodded.

“Yeah I reckon. Look at him pouting now.”

Seb looked down to see the baby pulling a face at not being immediately given the milk he wanted.

“He's just hungry.”

“Hmm, maybe.”

“And I don't pout.”

Mark coughed a laugh at the fact Seb was doing precisely that right now.

“If you say so sweetheart. Anyway I don't care who he looks like. He's ours. We'll tell Rachel and see what we need to do.”

Sebastian was the one giving him big blue eyes now and Mark put his hand at Seb's cheek.

“You're absolutely right darling it does feel right. He's meant to be with us.”

“You don't think it's possible a father is going to be found?”

“I think they have found fathers, two of them.”

 

Seb had to blink rapidly to prevent himself crying again and Mark looked to be sure he wasn't actually upset, just emotional.

“Rachel doesn't think so sweetheart and she knows the score. I think his mother was just a poor lonely girl who made a mistake. Whoever the biological father is I'm guessing she didn't really know him and I'm pretty sure he'd have no clue she ended up pregnant. He probably didn't give it a second thought. Maybe she never knew his name, maybe he didn't know hers? Who knows? Unless they DNA test the population I think it's just a write-off.”

Sebastian took in an uneven breath, but he couldn't stop more tears escaping.

“I feel so bad for her. She must have been so afraid, so alone.”

“Sweetheart.”

Seb shook his head as he looked at Mark.

“I can't help imagining how she must have hoped her life was going to get better once she had a baby to love. She can't have known something so terrible would happen. To leave her little boy all alone like this. If she's up there, looking down, worrying about him.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“Come on, pass him back.”

He retook the baby to allow Sebastian to sort himself out, taking calming breaths and wiping away at his face with the sleeves of his hoody.

“You okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Sorry Liebling. It just gets to me.”

Mark nodded. He wasn't surprised Sebastian empathised as he always did and it was a sad story, but there was only one thing they could do.

“Sweetheart I think if she is looking down she'd be relieved to know that we're here to take care of her little boy, that we'll love him for her. That's the promise we make. That's the deal. Once we sort everything out with Rachel we take him home and he's ours. Forget fostering, it's just a technicality, he's our son and we're his parents and that's that. We just need the paperwork to back it up.”

Seb took in a deep breath and sat taller before nodding.

“Yeah. We're his parents.”

“That's right darling. We'll sort it out. No one's going to stand in our way.”

Sebastian managed a little laugh at how confident Mark sounded. He leaned in and kissed Mark on the cheek, then dipped lower and gave the baby a kiss on his forehead just below the edge of the little hat, lifting up to look at him.

“Hey there Kleiner, I'm your papa Liebling and this is your daddy. Do you want to come home with us?”

The baby stretched his little face about and Sebastian looked up to Mark.

“He smiled.”

Mark was pretty sure it was the baby still fussing for a bottle, but he wasn't about to argue.

“Yeah I think that's a yes,” Mark confirmed, then gave the baby a smile. “Right you are then kiddo. I don't want to worry you, but it turns out we're your parents. I think you're gonna be okay.”

“Of course he's going to be okay,” asserted Sebastian. “We're going to take care of him.”

Mark smiled and shook his head at Seb.

“Course we are darling. Blimey, wait until the boys meet him. They'll have a puppy.”

“Ah he's not a puppy.”

“You try telling that to Shadow and Simba sweetheart.”

Seb smiled and rolled his eyes.

“Do you think they'll be okay with him Liebling?” he checked.

“Course they will. They're very gentle. We'll make sure we introduce them slowly.”

“Okay.” Sebastian took in a deep breath. “Oh god. She will say yes won't she? Rachel I mean.”

“It's why she called us darling. They want us to say we'll take him. That's the whole point.”

“Okay. I guess, I just can't help feeling a bit nervous,” Seb admitted.

“Yeah I know, but we'll sort it. She called us cos she knows we're ready to go. We're approved to foster as well as adopt, so he can come to us and we'll look after him while all the legal stuff goes through.”

 

Sebastian took another deep breath and nodded. This time there was no mother to change her mind, no family to take the child. Sad as that was, it did help them. The legal side still scared him though, even if he couldn't think of any reason there might be for things not to be approved.

“Poor little thing. It would be awful if he had to go to a foster home while he waited to be adopted.”

“Yeah it wouldn't be good,” agreed Mark.

“I don't know how people do that. You know foster and then hand them back.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I dunno sweetheart, they're doing a service aren't they?”

“I know. Of course it's good, but it would break my heart to have to give child back.”

Mark tipped his head.

“I suppose, yeah I baby I can't imagine, but if they were older, you know, if I guess it was temporary cos their parent was sick in hospital or something. I think you could feel good about that.”

“Yeah I guess. I still think I'd struggle.”

“Well that's not us is it. We want a family. A permanent family. So that's what we're getting, right?”

“Right.”

 

The door re-opened and Rachel came back, accompanied by the same nurse again. The nurse dipped down by them and gave them a smile.

“How're you getting on?” she checked.

“Fine,” assured Mark.

The nurse nodded and held up the bottle.

“You've done this before too?”

“Yep.”

“Alright, well, just remember to keep the bottle tipped up so bubbles don't form.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah we know. It's okay.”

“Alright then.”

She held out the bottle and Mark shifted the baby so he could support him properly in one arm and hold the bottle with a spare hand to feed him. After a couple of minutes he looked up to the nurse observing him and gave her a little smile.

“Pass muster?” he teased.

The nurse huffed a little laugh and nodded.

“Very good.”

Sebastian looked to her.

“We've looked after my niece a bit. She's only nine months.”

“Ah okay, well that's good then. You know how to wind him or shall I stick around?”

“No we're okay.”

“You'll be sure to support his head and neck?”

“We will,” promised Mark.

The nurse looked at him and decided they both sounded confident enough and the baby seemed happy.

“Right you are then. Rachel you know where to find me.”

She stood and with a nod to them, left the room. Rachel looked over to be sure Mark was okay feeding the baby, then peered a little closer at Seb.

“You okay Seb?” she checked.

Sebastian looked up from watching Mark and the baby.

“Oh um, yeah.” He automatically wiped at his face. “Sorry I was just. I just got a bit, I don't know.”

Mark lifted his head from concentrating on feeding the baby and looked over to Rachel.

“He's fine aren't you sweetheart? It's just a big day.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” accepted Rachel.

  


After a while they swapped again and Sebastian took a turn holding the baby and feeding him until he stopped sucking at the bottle and they guessed he was done. Mark took the bottle back and set it on the table as Sebastian lifted the baby with extreme care to hold him up against his chest, resting the baby's head by his shoulder and gently rubbing over his back in a circular motion. It wasn't quite so easy with him wrapped in a blanket, but Seb presumed he needed keeping warm because he was small.

As he held him in the baby had his face turned inwards and Seb tipped his head to look at him, giving him a little smile. He was trying to remember how long the books advised you to do this for. The little boy was so tiny Seb didn't think he could expect any big burps, so he just kept on doing it. The motion felt soothing anyway and the baby seemed content as he snuffled in against him. Seb watched as the eyelashes fluttered, the eyelids drooping and then flicking back open before drooping again, as if he was trying to hang on in case he missed anything, but with a full belly the baby soon lost the battle and fell asleep. Seb slowed his hand until it stopped and he just kept the baby still there against his chest, one hand keeping him securely up, the other now cradling his head, not wanting to move him unnecessarily if he seemed comfortable.

 

Mark looked over to see the baby had settled and they exchanged a silent conversation before he gave Seb a nod and looked to Rachel.

“Okay, Rach what do we need to do?”

Rachel smiled, thinking how fascinating it was to see the way they did that. They hadn't even spoken but she was sure that they had in their own way.

“You've made a decision already?” she asked.

“Yep. We want to go ahead.”

“You don't want to take a bit more time over it?”

Mark looked to Seb and them both shook their heads.

“Nope. We know what we want.”

“It just feels so right Rachel,” explained Sebastian. “I don't think I ever want to let go of him.”

Rachel huffed a tiny laugh and Seb looked to Mark.

“Not going to share sweetheart?” teased Mark.

“Oh no I didn't mean that.”

“I know. Yeah Rachel we know this is right. What do we need to do to get things going?”

Rachel puffed out a long breath.

“Well if you're really sure you're sure?”

“We're sure.”

“Just as fostering to begin with. You're not making any final commitments yet.”

“He's meant to be with us Rachel, we're sure of it,” asserted Sebastian.

“Okay, well...”

 

She paused thinking it was rather fast to be deciding, but then the whole point of getting in touch with them had been that they didn't want the baby staying longer in hospital and as the alternative was foster care it would be better to them to do that fostering and hopefully adopting.

“It would just be a fostering arrangement to start with,” she repeated. “You'd have time to change your mind.”

“We understand Rachel,” assured Mark, “we get that's how it starts, but we want to adopt him, we're sure of it.”

“You also need to bear in mind that although we have tried our best to establish there is no family, there is still the six week window in which it is technically possible that a father could come forward to make a claim.”

“You said you don't think that's likely though?” reminded Sebastian.

“In all honesty I don't. We really have made all the efforts we can to be sure, but you need to understand how the rules work, just in case.”

“But you don't think there will be anyone coming forwards?” Seb pressed.

“I can't promise, but I would say I such circumstances the odds are very slim.”

“You can't speed things up if there's no family?” checked Mark.

“No I'm afraid not. The rules are fixed. It is for your sake too.”

“We're not going to change our minds are we sweetheart?”

Sebastian by his side shook his head.

“No we know this is right,” he asserted. “He's meant to be ours. We want to be a family for him.”

Mark smiled at Seb and then the baby before giving a confirming nod back to Rachel.

 

“Okay then,” she agreed. “Well as I said, as he doesn't require further hospital care he is a top priority for finding an emergency placement, preferably long-term, but that doesn't mean I want to rush you.”

“You're not,” assured Mark.

“I guess I'd better make some calls then. You're alright here?”

“Yep.”

“Right then. If you'll excuse me. Any issues just one of you pop out and ask on the desk.”

“We're fine here aren't we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded and Rachel nodded back. They certainly did look at home together, no point stringing this out if they were as sure as they seemed to be. Rachel was in no doubt that they could take good care of him. They had made certain that there was no extended family and she couldn't think of a case she'd had where an entirely unknown father emerged from nowhere after all enquiries had been made. Worst case scenario they still had plenty of time to change their minds whilst fostering and Rachel didn't think she'd find a better home for him to go to. They were correct, it did feel right. This was going even better than she had dared hope, time to get on with things.

  


When they were alone again Mark looked to Sebastian and puffed out a little breath before smiling at him.

“You alright with him?”

“Yep.”

“Okay.”

“What do you think she's going to say?” wondered Seb.

“I don't know. I mean not _no_ , obviously. I think she's just checking a few things.”

“With who?”

Mark shrugged.

“Higher ups? Social services? Dunno. Whoever she needs to. I'm presuming she's not the only one who has to give approval.”

“Right, yeah I guess. Bound to be more bureaucracy I suppose.”

“Mm.”

  


They sat for a while longer waiting for Rachel to come back, then so much time passed Mark and Sebastian actually stopped waiting for her and paid more attention to the baby even if he was asleep.

“They're not going to say no are they?” worried Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“I'm sure it's just procedural stuff. She might be struggling to get hold of people.”

“Maybe.” Sebastian let out a slow breath so as not to disturb the baby. “If she comes back and says yes we'll have to get all the stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Baby stuff. We've not got anything.”

“Oh. Yeah that's a point. Well it's no problem. We'll just go on a spree.”

Sebastian huffed a tiny laugh. He tried to think of all the things they would need.

“We should make a list,” he proposed.

“Sure.”

“He's so tiny I don't think we need a cot yet, we could just get one of those little bassinets.”

“Like a moses basket you mean?” checked Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Sure. I'll have to find those people who made the rocking chair. Order up the rest of the nursery furniture to match.”

Sebastian beamed happily and Mark leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“You like that idea?”

“Yeah.”

“Right well we'll find their website, go through and pick out what we want and get it all delivered. We can give them a phone-call and see if they can get a hustle on.”

“And we need like, all the other stuff, the bottle things and a car seat and a pram and clothes and um, what else?” asked Seb his mind going blank.

“Nappies might be a good idea,” smiled Mark.

“Oh god, yeah all that, all the stuff we need to look after him, a changing mat and a baby bath and baby towels.”

“I'm pretty sure all towels work the same.”

“No they do little ones with folded over hoods to keep their head warm,” insisted Seb.

“Right. Whatever you like darling, we'll get the lot.”

Sebastian knew Mark was slightly teasing him, but he couldn't wait to go and buy all the things they needed. Tiny little baby clothes. They'd need really tiny ones for him seeing as he was so small. Dolls clothes really. Seb gazed at the baby sleeping and whispered softly.

“We're going to give you everything you need. Everything,” he promised.

Mark shook his head.

“We'll be spoiling him.”

“Babies don't count. Besides I don't just mean buying him things.”

“I know darling. Anyway it'll be us we're spoiling. He won't care about any of that stuff as long as he's safe and warm, fed and changed. We'll just get the basic stuff to start with and I bet within a week we'll have thought of a thousand more things we need.”

“The house'll be full.”

“Ah well. Good job we've got a big house then eh?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian smiled and felt a warm rush at the idea of them being home with the baby, sat on the sofa together, in the kitchen making up bottles, the nursery properly furnished. Everything they'd been dreaming of for so long.

  


  


The door reopened and Rachel came back through, sitting back down and smiling over.

“Okay. So... Sorry that took so long.”

“That's alright.” assured Mark.

“Now then, first off, you've not changed your mind?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“No we're not going to change our mind.”

“Okay, though even if we go ahead now you still have time to let things settle, see how you're getting on and make a final decision before we move towards actually adopting.”

“We really want this Rachel,” asserted Seb. “We can do it, we know we can.”

“I'm sure you can,” she agreed. “You're already doing a great job. That's what he needs. Theo needs parents to look after him now, not medical care. He needs a home and love.”

“That's what we want. We'll give him everything Rachel, we promise, don't we Mark?”

“Of course we will,” agreed Mark. “He needs a family and that's what we want to be. He'll want for nothing. You know that don't you?”

Rachel nodded.

“Yes I do.”

“And we don't mean things, though obviously we'll make sure we have all we need for him.”

“Okay then. Well... On that point, I just had a discussion with the doctor and nurses who have been caring for him and they are of the opinion that he would be better at home with the full attention parents can give than keeping him here any longer.”

Mark raised his eyebrows.

“He's not too small?”

“No he's prem but perfectly healthy. They only really put him in the incubator to begin with as a precaution after a difficult birth, but he's been sleeping in an ordinary crib with the nurses keeping an eye on him since, but with the best will in the world they're busy here and can't give him the twenty-four hour love and attention he needs, so they're happy to discharge him.”

“Oh my goodness,” let out Sebastian. “You mean now?”

“Well not this instant,” smiled Rachel, “but I called my boss and Laura and they're both happy to sign off on a fostering-to-adopt arrangement. As I said, it's far better for him to be with his family as soon as possible.”

“Oh my gosh.”

Seb looked to Mark, both of them thinking they hadn't thought it would be quite this fast, but then there really was no one other than them and the baby to consider seeing as there was no birth family to consult.

“How does that sound?” checked Rachel.

“It sounds amazing.”

Rachel let out a little laugh at how excited Seb sounded.

“Mark?”

“Yeah definitely. We don't want the poor little guy left on his own.”

As he said that Mark felt a sudden tug. The idea of walking out of here and leaving their child in a hospital, sleeping in some anonymous medical crib looked after by over-worked nurses and doctors who hadn't the time to hold this tiny needy child in their arms as he should be held. It wasn't right. Mark was sure the medical staff did their very best, but even if they wanted to do more, he doubted they could. A baby should be held in the arms of loving parents. He should be home. They needed to take him home.

 

“Only if you're sure,” checked Rachel. “If you want more time to think about it we don't have to rush. He can stay here in the hospital for a few more days while you come in to visit and take a bit of time to be certain.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“We don't need more time.”

“How soon can we take him home?” asked Mark.

“Well, um if you feel you are certain and you're ready, we don't have to delay. I have approval, we'd just need to fill in all the paperwork and then you'd be signed off to take him home. Assuming you can do that?”

“Of course we can.”

“Do you have the things you need?”

Mark opened his mouth slightly and looked to Seb. No they really didn't. They couldn't lie.

“Um, we might need a few things,” he admitted.

Sebastian looked to him, wanting to take the baby home just as much as Mark did.

“What should we do?” he asked Mark, not looking to Rachel.

Mark frowned a second as he thought, then looked over.

“Rachel you said you've got a bunch of paperwork to sort out?”

“Um, yes.”

“So if I go and get what we need; car-seat, crib, bottle stuff, nappies? I mean I can do that can't I? Won't take long. There must be a shop around here does the lot.”

 

Rachel puffed out a breath as she thought about it. This wasn't quite how this was meant to go, but then why not? What was wrong with Mark rushing out to buy the things they needed? She didn't think much good came of delaying matters when they were so eager and the child needed a home to go to.

“Um, yeah, yeah okay,” she agreed. “Hang on, let's have a look.”

Rachel clicked on her laptop and rapidly Googled the information. They were on the outskirts of Oxford so she looked for an out of town shopping centre Mark could drive to.

“Ah, right okay, there's what looks like a pretty big 'Mamas and Papas' not so far off. How's that?”

“Great.”

Mark got up and went to sit by her, leaning in to look at the screen as Rachel pulled up a map and started jotting down the details.

“Have you got satnav?” she checked.

“Yep.”

“That's a supermarket there too so you can get nappies and milk powder and... well, let's make a quick list.”

 

Rachel rapidly wrote things down, trying to think what you couldn't get through twenty-four hours without for a newborn.

“Okay, quite a bit,” she noted. “Do you think you can get all that?”

“Sure. No problem,” asserted Mark.

He looked up to Seb.

“You alright here if I dash out?”

“Yeah if you're okay to go?”

“Course.”

Mark stood up and pulled on his coat, checking he had his mobile phone and wallet, then took the piece of paper Rachel offered.

“It looks like you just need to go back onto the main A-road,” she directed.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, way we came I reckon. Okay, right well I'll be as quick as I can.”

“You don't need to rush too much,” assured Rachel. “I can make a start on the paperwork with Seb ready for when you get back.”

“Sure. Okay then.”

Mark smiled and went over to lean down to give Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“I've got my phone if you need me,” he reminded him.

“Okay.”

Mark stood back up and very gently placed his hand on the baby's head then took in a breath and set off on his mission.

  


  


 

Twenty minutes later Mark walked into the baby supplies shop and was immediately overwhelmed by the amount of things in there. He hadn't a clue where to start and Mark guessed it must have shown a mile off as a young assistant came over to ask if he needed any help. Mark coughed a laugh.

“Oh my god you've no idea. I need the lot.”

“The lot,” frowned the girl.

“Yep the whole shebang, and I'm in a bit of a rush. I need a baby-seat for the car, a crib, um changing mat, bottle stuff, do you do them? I need to buy the lot and get back to the hospital.”

“Oh gosh. Um, hang on I'll get my supervisor.”

The girl rushed off and returned with a middle-aged woman. Mark had never felt more out of place in his life, but the woman had a reassuring air of experience about her.

“Right then,” smiled the woman, “I hear you need the lot. New arrival is it?”

“Yeah. We can take him home today but we've got nothing,” explained Mark. “I'm kind of out of my depth here.”

“My goodness, was the baby early?”

“Yeah he's okay though.”

“Have you come straight from the hospital?”

“Yeah. I need, um...” Mark pulled the piece of paper from his pocket. “Car-seat, crib, changing mat, bottle heater and all that stuff on here and um, some baby clothes and... I don't know, anything else you can think of. We just need the basics and then we can get the rest.”

“Okay then. Let's go. Katy grab us a trolley,” instructed the woman.

 

The girl did as she was told and seeing as it was thankfully quiet on a Wednesday afternoon when most people had started to go back to work after the holidays, Mark had all their attention as they piled things into the trolley. The main woman kept trying to offer options and explain his choices but Mark shook his head.

“Look I'm just gonna have to trust you,” he explained. “I need to get back as fast as I can. Just give me the best ones. I don't really care what they look like as long as they're what's best for the baby.”

“Okay, what weight is he?”

“Six pound four. A bit small but he's fine.”

“Well I'm glad to hear that. So borderline prem/newborn.”

“Just give me both.”

“You can bring things back if they don't fit.”

“Sure.”

“And we can fit the baby-seat in the car for you.”

“Oh really? That's great, that'd be a big help. Then I need to go to the supermarket and get, um...” he consulted his list again. “Milk, nappies, cotton wool, wipes... a bunch of stuff. You don't do that here do you?”

“No love sorry. The big Asda's over the way, they'll have all that for you.”

“Right, thanks.”

 

The trolley was piling full of items and Mark was glad he had a decent-sized boot seeing as they'd come in the car they took the dogs out in. All this stuff was boxed and wrapped, it would be fine in there even if there were dog hairs in the back. Seb would doubtless want to hoover the whole thing, but that could wait.

“Is your partner in the hospital with the baby then?” enquired the older woman as she put a baby changing mat in after Mark had politely assured her he didn't care what colour it was.

“Yeah he's sorting out all the paperwork while I do this.”

Mark had spoken without thinking, but he noticed the flicker of surprise pass the woman's face at the word 'he' but she professionally pushed it aside and smiled.

“Very good.”

“We're adopting,” he explained. “And we just kind of got a call out of the blue.”

“I see, well, how lovely. That must be exciting for you?”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Yeah. I feel like we're just jumping off a cliff actually. I don't really know what we need.”

The woman shook her head.

“Same as most first-timers dear. I wouldn't worry. When I had my first I hadn't a clue. It'll come to you.”

“Thanks.”

“I take it this is your first?”

“Yeah.”

“Well you'll be fine. All the new dads you see in here, they all have that look on their face.”

Mark frowned slightly.

“What look?”

“Dad-shock. Just go with it dear, you'll be fine. Now then, baby blankets, just the basic ones?”

“Yeah that's fine.”

“You need plenty so you can have some in the wash. I hope you've got a sturdy washing machine, it's going to be busy.”

 

She pointed at some packs and the younger girl dutifully piled them in as the older woman added sheets to fit the crib mattress and they moved on. By the time they reached the till Mark didn't want to know how much it was going to cost and he was thankful that they didn't need to consider such things. As the girl rang everything through and started bagging it Mark handed over his bank card.

“Just don't tell me how much,” he smiled.

“Okay.”

“Thanks.”

The supervisor was putting the bags back into the trolley to take them out to the car.

“Now, where are you parked?”

“Right in front.”

“Come on then. I'll give you a hand and we'll fit the car-seat.”

Mark took back his card from the girl and a receipt so long that she folded it up several times before putting it into the top bag. Mark followed the woman outside to open up the car. The boot was soon packed and the woman had begun opening the packaging on the seat.

“Now it looks more complicated than it is, but once the frame is fitted you just slot the carrier in and out and you can take inside or on a shopping trolley, whatever you need.”

“Yep, sounds good.”

“Very useful so you don't need to wake the baby.”

“Uh huh.”

The woman had clearly done this plenty of times before as she skilfully fitted the seat in place and adjusted it to fit a tiny newborn occupant, talking Mark through it as he tried to keep up. He nearly made a joke that it seemed more complicated than a race-seat, but Mark was pretty sure she hadn't recognised him and he didn't want to give away any clues.

“Right then, you're all set,” she announced. “Do you want to try the quick-release?”

“Um, sure.”

Mark took the removable baby carrier out with just a few hints to remind him, then fitted it back in.

“Is that secure?” he queried.

The woman reached in and gave it a push.

“Yep, well done.” She stood up and looked at him. “I think you're all set. Any issues, you've got your receipt, though I think I'll remember you.”

“Ha, thanks. I feel like I should give you a tip.”

She shook her head.

“Oh no dear we don't do that. Thank you though.”

“You've been a life-saver.”

“Well I just hope all goes well. Give my best to your partner.”

“Husband actually.”

“Ah okay, well husband then. I'm sure you'll be very happy.”

“Thank you.”

“Now you just need to go out and round to the supermarket car-park. They do babygros and things too, so I'd suggest you pick up a few packs of cheap cotton ones to stock you up. They'll all end up in the wash anyway.”

“Right. Guess so. Thanks.”

Mark offered out his hand and the woman smiled and shook it before he jumped back into the car and drove off. As he waited at the junction to cross to the other car-park Mark looked into the rear-mirror to see the baby-seat there and puffed a breath. This was all happening so fast.

  


A minute later he was in the supermarket and taking his lead from his recent experience turned straight to the information desk asking for help, thankfully being provided with another efficient middle-aged woman who helped him fill his trolley with all he needed, packs of nappies, baby-milk and other supplies piling up. Mark hadn't given her as many details as the previous woman, but he got what he needed, checking against his list.

“Right, what next?” asked the woman.

“Um, I could do with some babygros.”

“Okay.”

She walked them over, then as Mark looked down his list again he thanked her and she left him to it. Mark looked at the array of baby clothes in front of him and thought how Seb would be cooing over them. He smiled and picked off a few plain outfits for premature babies, then added newborn size just in case. They really were tiny. Mark stared at the pack in his hand, then spotted some with little cars on and couldn't resist adding them in and a few extras. He looked at the full trolley and shook his head. He was just as bad as Seb. Mark decided that would do and went to pay before going back to the car and wedging everything into the boot.

He checked his watch and tsk'd at the fact he had been well over an hour and a half, but then Mark thought he'd done a decent job of getting what they needed. Seb was right though, this was just the basics. Their house was going to be over-flowing. He smiled and climbed back into the car, resisting putting his foot down to speed his way back to the hospital.

  


  


  


When he got back Mark rushed upstairs to the maternity ward, wondering if he should take the baby-carrier out of the seat or if that was getting ahead of himself. He could still hardly believe they were going to let them take the baby home so quickly, but then Rachel was right, if there was no one else to care for him it had to be best. He opened the door to the little waiting room to see Sebastian sat still holding the baby, Rachel by him now. As he walked in they turned to him and Rachel stood up.

“Ah Mark, Seb was just offering to try to sign papers one handed,” she smiled.

Mark smiled back, getting the unsaid joke that Seb wasn't willing to let go of the baby.

“Sorry I took so long.”

“No it's fine. We've been going over everything. Shall I fill you in?”

“Um, sure.”

Mark sat down by Sebastian.

“Sorry sweetheart.”

“It's okay. Did you get everything?”

“Ha, yeah, you should see the car,” laughed Mark. “The boot's rammed.”

“You were alright then?” asked Rachel.

“Yeah good thanks, I got some help. They even fitted the car-seat for us.”

“Ah good.”

“I didn't bring it up, should I have?”

“I think we're alright. We've got a bit to go through.”

“Oh, right you are then. Everything okay?”

“Everything's fine.”

Mark was pulling his coat off and settling back in. He turned to Seb.

“Shall I take him? Your arms must be knackered.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Guess that's why we have the gym.”

“Good point. Money not wasted then.”

 

Mark offered his arms out and took the baby back so they could sit and listen as Rachel ran through all the procedures and steps they would go through. They nodded along, trying to take it all in when all they really wanted to do was sign whatever they needed to and go home. Rachel checked several times to be sure they were okay with what she was telling them and answered all their questions.

“I'll be with you every step,” she assured, “and you can call me any time. I'll give you my mobile number just in case.”

“I'm sure we'll be alright,” asserted Mark.

“I'm sure you will too, but just to be on the safe side.”

“Okay.”

“Right then, well we might as well get on.”

Rachel glanced out and realised it was dark already outside. She'd started to lose all track of time being here.

“I'll just speak to the staff here and then we can complete the paperwork.”

  


She popped out and returned a moment later, arranging some papers for Seb to sign before they swapped over, Seb taking the baby back so Mark could sign in turn.

“Okay then,” smiled Rachel, signing the papers as well. “There's going to be plenty more paperwork to come I'm afraid, but we'll deal with it. I'll bring it to the house when I do my visits.”

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

“You're alright with me coming by tomorrow morning?”

“Of course.”

Rachel looked at both of them.

“You're off at the moment anyway aren't you if it's the off-season?”

“Um pretty much.”

Sebastian frowned.

“Hmm, I've got some meetings, but I'll ring my boss. There's not too much down for the next month.”

“And Mark your plans to take a year off are unchanged?” checked Rachel.

“Nope we'll be fine.”

“All good then.”

 

As Rachel filed the papers away Seb leaned slightly into Mark to whisper.

“Will it be fine?” he checked. “What will Porsche say?”

Mark shrugged.

“They've already agreed in principle. They can't change their tune now. It'll just be a tricky phone-call.”

Sebastian pulled a slight face but Mark shook his head.

“Don't worry about it darling. There's more important things.” He smiled down at the baby. “Much more important things.”

  


The nurse appeared in the doorway and Sebastian reluctantly let her take the baby back.

“You can come with us,” she informed them. “You're the parents now, right?”

“Right,” agreed Rachel.

Sebastian smiled nervously and took Mark's hand as they stood to follow, going through the security doors into the main wards on the other side of the entrance area to watch the doctor give the baby a last check up before he was re-dressed and made ready to leave. The nurse had made up another bottle to give the baby before they left and she sat with them as Sebastian and Mark took turns feeding him, running through the details of his routine, when and how much he fed and slept. She checked they were confident with these things as well as changing and cleaning him, how warm to keep him and all the things she could think of to keep the baby happy and safe. Mark and Seb nodded along, trying not to feel overwhelmed that all this responsibility was now theirs.

“I tell you what, I'll write it all down,” the nurse offered. “Don't worry too much about being exact. As long as he has a decent amount each feed don't fuss too much about him finishing the bottle, you can always fit in an extra little feed later. He'll let you know when he's done, and sleep, well, he just seems to do that most of the time. It shows he's happy enough.”

“Should we get a thermometer to check the room temperature?” worried Seb.

The nurse smiled.

“Well if you want to you can. I'd recommend one for bath water, but more generally he'll tell you soon enough if he's not comfortable.”

Sebastian frowned slightly and Mark put an arm around him.

“She means he'll cry.”

“Precisely. He's a little one so what he really wants is plenty of attention,” explained the nurse. “He's happiest just being held.”

“We can do that, can't we sweetheart?” Mark assured.

“Yeah,” nodded Seb.

Seeing as the baby seemed to be done feeding, the nurse took the bottle back and watched to see Seb carefully lifting the baby to wind him, giving a little nod of approval and a couple of tips about the easiest way to hold him and how best to check he was properly winded and didn't accidentally re-swallow any refluxed milk or sick. Once that was done she took the baby back for a few moments, wrapping him in an extra blanket ready to go.

 

“Now then Rachel, you're sorting out when the midwife visits at home?” checked the nurse.

“Yep.” Rachel looked to them. “We can speak about that in the morning when I come over.”

“Sure.”

“Well I think you're all set then,” announced the nurse.

A couple of other nurses came through to say goodbye and their affection for the little baby seemed heart-felt. Mark and Sebastian thanked them as did Rachel, then the doctor picked the baby up and looked over.

“Who's taking him then?”

“Do I need to get the carrier?” wondered Mark.

“No you'll be fine. It's all set up in the car, right?” checked Rachel.

“Yep.”

“Right, well we'd better go down, then, thank you everyone.”

The main nurse checked the blanket was properly tucked around the baby before he was handed over to Mark who looked to the now wide-awake baby.

“Hey kiddo we're going on a trip now.”

“Don't be scared,” reassured Sebastian.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah you'll be fine mate.” He looked to Rachel. “I should have got him a little winter snow-suit to wrap him up.”

“He'll be fine.”

“We can buy one online,” suggested Seb.

“I guess.”

“I'm sure you've got a warm car and a warm house, he'll be fine,” asserted Rachel. “I'll come down with you now and make sure you're all set.”

  


They said their last goodbyes and thanks to the medical staff, then went to the waiting room and played pass the baby as they pulled on winter coats to go out. The baby had his blankets and little hat, but as they exited the lift and the door slid open to the car-park, Mark felt the sting of the cold and hitched the baby in his arms asking Seb to pull his open coat around the baby so he was more protected from the January air that had turned bitter now it was dark out.

They crossed the car-park to find their car and Seb opened the door to the back seat so they could between them find a way to carefully put the baby into the carrier. It took a few minutes of fiddling, taking him out of the blanket and fussing over straps while Seb worried whether the baby's head was properly supported. He ended up crawling in from the other side while Mark stood and leaned in until they were satisfied and as Seb climbed back out Rachel looked in and nodded approval. As Seb came back round Mark fitted the blanket over the baby and tucked it in so he stayed warm.

“There we go little fella, toasty warm.”

Sebastian was back by them and he looked in to be really sure the baby was okay.

“We should turn the heat on so it warms up.”

“Sure.”

Mark opened up the front of the car and turned the heating on to keep the baby warm, then nodded as he stood back with the others.

“There we go then. Do you want to sit in the back with him, I'll drive?” he offered to Sebastian.

“Yeah okay.”

“Right then.” Mark looked in to the baby. “Soon be home Theo.”

“Teo,” corrected Seb.

Mark shook his head thinking they would have to work out what they were doing about that little disagreement at home. He very carefully shut the back door so the baby wasn't startled and Sebastian glanced at the boot full of purchases.

“Oh my goodness.”

“Yeah we're well supplied.”

Rachel looked as well and laughed.

“Well you won't run out of nappies overnight, that's for sure.”

“Better safe than sorry,” shrugged Mark. “Right then, we good?”

Sebastian nodded and Rachel offered out her hand which Mark shook, but Seb hugged her instead, making her laugh.

“Oh don't, you'll be making me cry,” she admonished. “Now then, you've got my number. Any problems call, no matter what time day or night, but I'm sure you'll be fine.”

“Thanks Rachel.”

“Yes thank you so much,” added in Seb. “I can't believe this is happening. I'm so happy.”

Mark put his arm around him.

“We both are. This is incredible.”

“I keep thinking we'll wake up in a minute,” added Sebastian.

Rachel huffed a little laugh.

“No you're definitely awake. I'm happy for you. I know you're going to make the most wonderful parents. This is just the start you know.”

Sebastian nodded, suddenly feeling emotional again.

“We'll take care of him Rachel, we promise.”

“I know you will.”

“Yeah we will,” echoed Mark. “Right, we'd better get going then. We'll see you tomorrow?”

“Yep, eleven o'clock, or thereabouts. I'll be in the office first thing doing lots more paperwork and sorting things out.”

“Lucky you. Well we'll have a cup of tea waiting. No rush. I don't suppose we'll be going anywhere.”

Rachel smiled.

“No I suppose not. Well I'll see you then. Good luck.”

 

They said goodbye and climbed into the car. Mark in the driving seat, Seb in the back, leaning in to check the baby was really okay. Mark turned around to see as well.

“Alright there then sweetheart?”

“Yeah we're good. Don't go fast will you Liebling?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I'm not sure I'll be getting out of first gear, don't worry.”

“Okay.”

“Right then.”

Mark took a deep breath, and turned the engine on. Rachel had stayed stood in the cold to see them off, so he gave her a wave as did Seb and Rachel smiled and waved back as they slowly crawled out of the car park. As Mark pulled up at the exit onto the road he felt more nervous than he thought he ever had driving a car in his entire life. There was a speed bump on the road and he went over it so slowly the car barely ticked over five miles an hour. Mark still checked to be sure he hadn't upset the baby. He could see in the mirror that Sebastian hadn't even looked up and the baby was asleep, so Mark risked putting his foot down a fraction and shifted the car into a risky second gear. He didn't care if he was holding others up, they could overtake.

  


 

 

The journey home from the hospital took considerably longer than it had to get there and by the time they pulled onto the drive Mark felt almost exhausted at having to take such extreme care, but they were all safe and the baby didn't seem bothered to go through this new experience of being out in the world. At one point he opened his eyes and looked at the strange street lights shining down into the car in the dark sky, but then Sebastian got his attention and the baby chose to look at him instead, Mark smiling as he saw in the mirror how happy Seb looked beaming down at the baby. As Mark pulled up to a stop he pushed out a huffed breath of relief before turning around.

“Right. Well we're here,” he announced. “All good back there?”

“Yeah he's awake now,” replied Seb.

Mark reached through the gap and touched the baby's leg covered by the blanket.

“That's cos you're excited to see your new home isn't it, eh buddy?”

Sebastian smiled and looked to the baby, then the house.

“I can't believe we have him. It's so amazing.”

“I know. Right, well no good us sitting here. I'll go take a load in and make sure the dogs are shut in the kitchen so they don't get over-excited.”

“Oh okay. Should I bring some things in?”

“No you sit tight darling. I'll do it.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark switched the engine off, but left the heating going as he went to open the boot, taking as much as he could carry to the front step before piling it up to open the door. As he started transferring things inside the dogs rushed up, barking and wanting attention and Mark gave them a rub as he ducked down with them.

“Oh boys we have a big surprise for you. We've got a new member of the family and it's your job to take care of him, okay?”

The dogs looked at him uncomprehendingly and Mark huffed a laugh.

“All will become clear, don't worry. Now then you come with me and don't go scaring our little one, or Seb, cos I think he'll be fretting if you go near the baby just yet.”

He ushered them into the kitchen and re-filled their bowls before washing his hands and shutting the door to be certain they couldn't run out. Then Mark went back outside and opened the side door by the baby and looked to him and Seb.

“Right, dogs safely shut away. You can come in now.”

Sebastian climbed out and came around while Mark turned the car heater off, then joined him as he tried to explain to Seb what he was doing as he attempted to detach the baby-carrier from its holding frame which was a darn sight harder with a baby sat in it than when he had been shown how it worked a few hours earlier in daylight. Finally achieving it Mark pulled the handle up to click into place and carefully lifted it out.

“You wanna take him? I'll grab more stuff.”

“Okay,” agreed Sebastian.

He cautiously took a hold of the handle, looking down to be sure the baby was still okay. Seb wasn't sure he wouldn't rather just carry him in his arms, but the baby seemed settled so he waited a moment while Mark picked up as much as he could from the boot and they walked inside.

 

Sebastian carefully bypassed all the bags cluttering up the hallway and went on into the lounge where he set the baby carrier on the coffee table, checked it was stable and safe, then looked to Mark.

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah,” laughed Mark. “Wow. This is really happening.”

Sebastian matched the little nervous laugh and glanced to be sure the baby was okay before leaning in for a hug from Mark. He closed his eyes for a second to take reassurance from it, then lifted away because he needed to look to be sure the baby was really okay. And that was when it hit him: This was it. They never came first again. The baby was priority number one and their lives had just changed forever.

  


* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for fluff, but I couldn't put that at the beginning for fear of giving the game away!
> 
> So, an early happy Christmas to all. I hope this chapter makes you happy.
> 
> :)


	194. New Arrival

* * *

  
  


 

As they stood in the lounge they both ducked down to look at the baby who lay in his carrier blinking out at them. Mark reached in to gently chubb his cheek.

“What d'you think then sweetheart? This place look alright to you?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh, but he knew they were both doing that; talking to the baby as if he could answer them. Perhaps he did understand them a little and Seb was sure the sound of their voices had to be reassuring. He noticed the way the baby's eyes were drawn to the light bouncing off the shiny baubles on the Christmas tree and went to pluck one off, holding the golden ball to dangle in front of him. The baby tried to lift his arm but it was trapped by the blanket and he started to fuss, his little face puckering up about to cry.

“Oh no,” worried Seb. “Here.”

He pulled the blanket away enough to release the baby's arm which he flailed in the direction of the exciting shiny object which Seb held closer and calmed now he had what he wanted.

“Tell you what sweetheart why don't you look after him while I get the rest of the stuff in from the car?” offered Mark.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah no problem. I know what's what in there so I can stick it where it needs to go.”

“Oh okay. Will you just help me lift him out?”

 

They succeeded in undoing the straps holding him in and Mark lifted the baby out of the carrier while Sebastian sat on the sofa, grabbing a cushion to support his elbow as Mark passed the baby over, tucking the blanket back over him but this time putting it so his little arms went over the top. Seb held him in one arm sat on his lap and with the other he held the bauble to entertain him. Thankfully the heating came on automatically so the house was already nice and warm.

“Okay then?” checked Mark.

“Yeah. Gosh I just can't get over how light he is.”

Mark sat beside them and leaned slightly over to look.

“Yeah well he'll grow. He's a fighter, I can tell.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“I think maybe he's had to be, so little and on his own.”

“Yeah well he's not anymore darling. He's home now.”

Sebastian smiled as the baby tried to vaguely pat at the bauble so he lowered it in to allow him to touch it, staring at how tiny the little fingers were resting against the ball, tiny tiny little fingernails, everything tiny, impossibly tiny.

Mark could see how distracted Seb was so he gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Do you need anything?”

“Hm? No we're fine.”

“Righto. I'll just sort stuff out. Two ticks.”

 

Sebastian barely noticed the lounge door closing behind Mark he was so caught up gazing at the baby, trying to reconcile in his mind that all this was really happening.

Mark went in and out of the cold night air, ferrying all the things he had bought inside. He decided that the easiest thing was to dump most things in the room they had ear-marked as the nursery. As he piled the last bag in there Mark looked at the otherwise empty room. The only furniture in there was the rocking chair by the window. Neither one of them had been back in this room since their disappointment a few weeks ago, but that was behind them now. Mark was sure that it hadn't been meant to be. It was easy to think that now. All they'd been through. If only they had known this was coming.

He took a deep breath and checked through the bags to see what was what so he knew where to find nappies and all they needed to change him as they would soon enough. He'd left the bottle warmer and all that went with it in the hall and Mark thought he ought to read the instructions and get it all set up in the kitchen. He stood up and looked at the cluttered room. They'd have to sort this out too, get some nursery furniture, finish decorating it nicely to make it a proper nursery, add a little frieze border with those animals on that Seb had spoken of, change the curtains, make everything nice and child friendly. God they'd been dreaming of doing that for so long and now they really could.

  
  


Mark went back downstairs and thought he should check on Seb and the baby before doing anything else. He walked into the lounge then stopped as he saw Sebastian was crying. Mark rushed over and sat beside him.

“Sweetheart what's the matter?”

Sebastian sniffled and shook his head.

“Nothing. I'm just... I'm just so happy. I thought this wasn't going to happen. I was losing hope Liebling.”

“Ah sweetheart. Come here.”

Mark got Seb to sit up a fraction so he could put his arm around him.

“Sorry,” apologised Sebastian. “I just...”

“It's okay. Happy tears right?”

“Yeah.”

Seb let go of the bauble and wiped at his face. The baby was staring up at him and Sebastian took a calming breath.

“It's alright Schatz, I'm just being silly. Don't be frightened.”

Mark rubbed Seb's arm.

“He's alright darling, aren't you kiddo? Papa's just a bit worked up. We're so happy that you're ours, that's all.”

Sebastian took in a shaky breath and turned to Mark.

“He is ours isn't he?”

“Of course he is.”

“I wish it could be final now. I don't like that we have to wait.”

“No well me neither darling, but it's how it is.”

“Nothing's going to go wrong is it?”

“No. Rachel will help us. There's no reason there should be any issues. It's just the system.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and nodded.

“No one's going to take him from us.”

“No darling. I won't let them.”

Seb gave him a little smile.

“You'd stop them?”

“Damn right I would. I'd fight them off at the gate.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh at the image and leant the side of his head onto Mark's shoulder.

“Okay,” he agreed, his eyes already back on the baby who was trying to pat at the bauble resting in a fold of the blanket.

Mark kissed Sebastian's cheek and gave him a gentle squeeze.

“Nothing's going to go wrong sweetheart. Besides, anyone tried anything I don't think it's me they'd really have to worry about. I think you'd scratch their eyes out.”

 

Sebastian smiled and sent Mark a glance before putting his other hand around the baby, rubbing his arm with his thumb.

“Your daddy thinks he's funny Teo.”

Mark shook his head.

“Darling it's Theo.”

“It doesn't sound right that way,” argued Seb.

“Well it's how they say it in English,” Mark countered.

“Hmm.”

“Maybe we'll have to let him decide,” offered Mark. “What d'you think kiddo? Are you Theo or Teo? Hm?” Mark reached around Seb to touch the baby's little hand. “Ah you don't care do you mate? We'll work it out.”

  
  


 

They sat peacefully for a while, fussing over their new addition. Eventually the baby knocked his hand at the bauble and sent it rolling onto the floor. His toy gone, his little face scrunched up in dismay and he started crying, a high-pitched, distinctively new baby cry. Mark retrieved the bauble and tried dancing it in front of him to cheer him back up, but he wouldn't settle now so Seb lifted him up to hold him against his chest, the blanket dropping down onto his knee.

“Does he need changing?” he asked.

“Umm,” frowned Mark.

Sebastian looked at him and Mark leaned in to sniff the baby's behind, lifting up with a slight laugh.

“Guess that's the sort of thing we have to get used to.”

“So?”

“Nothing I can tell. Hang on, she said there's a thing to show.”

Mark found a way to undo the poppers on the babygro, partially undressing the baby to see if he could see the indicator on the nappy telling them he needed changing.

“Ah, yeah I think so. Right I'll go grab the stuff.”

Mark dashed off upstairs to get all they needed to change the baby while Sebastian tried lifting him a fraction higher so he could see his face.

“Shh Liebling it's okay, we'll sort you out. Daddy's just getting the things. Won't be a moment.”

  
  


Mark returned and laid everything out on the floor. He was reading the side of the nappy packaging to be sure it was the right size, then opened it up whilst Sebastian carefully laid the baby out on the changing mat on the floor. The baby wriggled about a little while both he and Mark fought to undress him and take the wet nappy off, clean him up and dry him before wrangling a new nappy in place as the baby squirmed unhelpfully. It took a couple of attempts as they did it up too loosely at first, not wanting to squash his little round tummy and worrying about the cord stump the nurse had advised them about. As Mark lifted him up on the first attempt the nappy nearly slid off just as it had in his early parenting classes and they had to try again, risking a tighter fastening until they thought they had it right. By the time they had managed to re-do up the babygro with the baby repeatedly tucking his legs up making the task more difficult, the pair of them sat back puffed out breaths as they looked at him lying there.

“Oh my god,” let out Seb.

“I know. Bloody hell, how do people do that when they're out and about?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Don't swear in front of him.”

“Sorry. I'm pretty sure he's no idea.”

“It all goes in.”

“Alright, my bad. I won't swear in front of him, sorry,” apologised Mark.

“It's okay. Sorry, just...”

“It's fine.” Mark puffed another breath and looked down at their baby now safely changed into his clean nappy and redressed at last. “Blimey though, I think we're gonna have to work on that.”

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“I think that's inevitable Liebling.”

“Mm, true.” Mark reached down and rubbed lightly over the baby's chest. “That better now kiddo?”

Sebastian looked at his watch. It was nearly seven o'clock already, how had that happened?

“I think he's due a feed. Have you got that paper the nurse wrote on?”

 

Mark went to find where they had ditched their coats and pulled the folded piece of paper out of the pocket.

“Yeah half seven next one. I don't think it's the law or anything though sweetheart. I'm pretty sure you have to play these things by ear a bit.”

“I know but I was thinking we ought to work out how the machine operates and stuff.”

“Ah, yeah okay I was thinking that. It's in the hall. I was going to go get it set up in the kitchen.”

“I need to know how it works too.”

“Yeah, um, okay, you look after the little guy while I set it up.”

“What about the dogs?”

“Well I guess they need a run around anyway, I'll let them into the garden.”

“Okay.”

“They should meet him though,” Mark suggested.

“Later.”

“Alright.”

“Oh, um Mark?”

Sebastian looked at the folded up dirty nappy and Mark nodded.

“Ah. Yeah hmm, think we need to buy a couple of extra bins don't we?”

“Yeah and some more antiseptic wipes for us. I think we're gonna run through them.”

“Well we'll make a list. Do an online order. We've got enough to survive for now.”

“You got the baby milk?”

“Of course I did. It's fine sweetheart, we've got what we need.”

“Alright, sorry.”

“Just give me a mo and we can have a look at it together, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

  
  


Mark left Seb leaning over the baby as he lay on his back on the changing mat wriggling his little legs about as Seb attempted to wrap him back up in the blanket to stay warm. He went into the kitchen and turned to the dogs, still holding the folded up nappy.

“See boys, this is what you're going to have to get used to.”

The dogs jumped up out of their baskets and rushed over to sniff at it. Mark frowned and held it higher.

“No, really, you don't want this, believe me. Come on, outside.”

He opened up the back door and sent the dogs off while he walked to the outside bin to deposit the nappy, then came back in and washed his hands again before collecting the couple of shopping bags from the hall, sitting them on the counter and taking things out. Mark examined the bottle warmer and was about to make a start, but remembering Seb he left it and went to fetch him.

 

They stood in the kitchen, Seb holding the baby against his chest while they both tried to read through and follow the instructions to set everything up before they even got to the business of actually making up a bottle.

“Oh my goodness. How is it so complicated?” complained Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Sweetheart we've operated F1 cars. We have to be able to manage this.”

“I'm sure cars are easier.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“We're just used to them. We'll get used to this.”

“We'll have to.”

“Yeah, alright come on then. Can't be that hard.”

  
  


It was quite some time before they finally succeeded in producing a bottle for the baby, sitting down by the kitchen table to feed him. Mark took over from Sebastian whose arms were beginning to tire. Seeing the baby contented Mark looked up to Seb.

“I suppose we ought to get some kind of dinner too.”

“Hm? Oh yeah.”

“We didn't get any lunch either.”

“Yeah I kind of forgot.”

“Me too. Well. Um, something simple.”

Sebastian stood up and looked in the fridge.

“Shall I just make some sandwiches Liebling or are you starving?”

“No that's fine. You couldn't make us some tea? I'm parched.”

“Oh yeah, god all that's just slipped out of my head.”

 

Sebastian set about making them some food and drink. Everything seemed like such a task now. As he set the things down on the table he looked at Mark.

“How does anyone do this if they're on their own?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“With great difficulty I imagine. Guess they have no choice but to manage.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Even making a cup of tea. Pfff.”

“Well let's just be thankful we're not on our own,” pointed out Mark.

“Yeah. Do you want me to take him?”

“No you start and we'll swap.”

“Okay.”

  
  


Sebastian ate and drank while Mark continued to feed the baby. As he did so he wondered if there was a way to balance the bottle so he could have a free hand to at least pick up his mug to drink some tea, but Mark thought he needed more practise for that. Maybe when the baby was older and could grasp it himself? Seb was right. You needed more hands.

After a while they swapped and Mark gratefully ate and drank, not caring that the tea was slightly lukewarm now. He suspected his sister would tell him he ought to get used to that.

“Oh heck, we should call our families,” realised Mark.

Sebastian looked up from checking he was holding the bottle properly and that the baby was still feeding.

“Hm? Oh god you're right. Oh my word Mark they're going to go crazy.”

Mark laughed.

“I'm not sure that's how I'd put it darling, but they're gonna be pretty excited.”

“What time is it in Aus?” asked Seb.

“Umm...” Mark looked at his watch and worked out the difference. “Not quite seven am. Maybe we should call your lot first?”

“Yeah.” Seb puffed a breath. “Wow how do we start that conversation?”

“Hey guess what Mum? Surprise!”

The both laughed and the baby looked up.

“Oh hey, no we're just making a little joke Liebling,” assured Sebastian.

Mark reached in and rubbed the baby's cheek with his knuckle.

“You'll get used to it. What d'you think matey, do you want to say hello to your grandparents?”

Sebastian looked at Mark.

“You know they're going to want to come and see him.”

“Yeah, well one step at a time.”

“I'm not sure I'm ready to have everyone over. We need to work out what we're doing first.”

“Hmm, I'm sure they'd just want to help.”

Seb gave him a look. He didn't think he could cope with his mother steaming in telling them what to do just yet.

“Tell you what, why don't we ring them and say we need a bit of time to find our feet?” suggested Mark. “We can work out visits later.”

“Yeah okay.”

  
  


When Sebastian noticed that the baby didn't seem interested in sucking at the bottle anymore he let Mark take a turn trying to wind him while he found his mobile phone and sent his brother a text asking if they were all home. A few minutes later a reply came through.

FABIAN: Yeah why?

SEB: I need to speak to you all. I'm gonna ring the house phone in a bit, can you get Mum and Dad and stick it on speaker? Take this phone too.

FABIAN: Why tho? What's going on?

SEB: It's a good thing I promise. Give us five minutes and we'll explain.

He looked up to see Mark looking at him.

“What are you up to?” smiled Mark.

“I want send them a picture,” Seb explained.

“Ah. I see. Shall we go into the lounge then. I reckon he's done.”

“Have you got your phone?”

“Mm.” Mark shook his head. “What are you plotting?”

Sebastian stood up.

“Just a little surprise.”

 

Mark shook his head and stood with him, going into the lounge to sit on the sofa.

“Do you want to take it or shall I?” offered Mark.

“You're better at taking selfies than me.”

“Okay, you take him then.”

“Make sure the flash is off,” instructed Seb.

“Will do.”

Mark passed over the baby to Seb while he got his own phone out. While Seb got the baby comfortable Mark put his arm around the pair of them and held his phone out to get a couple of shots. Seb held the baby a fraction higher and at a slight angle so he could be seen properly, then they looked through the pictures to find a good one. There were a couple where he and Mark were looking to the camera, but in the later ones they had both looked back to the baby and Sebastian preferred that one. He stared at it for a moment, finding it almost stranger to see evidence of their new situation. Mark smiled and looked to him.

“That the one then?” he checked.

“Yeah it's nice.”

“Righto. What am I doing then? Sending it to your brother?”

“In a minute. I want to ring up first,” Seb explained.

“Then surprise them?”

Sebastian smiled and Mark huffed a laugh as he shook his head.

“I think your mother might explode,” he warned.

“Oh no she'll be happy,” insisted Seb.

“Yeah that's what I mean.”

“Is it a bad idea?”

“No it's fine. Come on then. Tell you what though I'd better hold off sending that pic to my lot or they'll be on right away.”

“We can call them next.”

“Sure. Well you give me the nod and I'll send it.”

“Okay. Can you press dial on my phone? My mum and dad's home phone number.”

 

Seb nodded to the mobile phone set on the coffee table in front of them and Mark did as requested. As the phone rang Sebastian took in a deep breath feeling suddenly nervous. He knew that his family would be happy, but it still felt so strange to be doing this. As the phone was answered there was the usual moment where his mother checked who it was, then his brother stepping in to insist he had to put it on speaker while they said hellos.

“Okay we're here,” announced Fabian. “What's all this about?”

“Are you alright dear?” checked Heike.

Sebastian looked to Mark and smiled.

“Yeah never better.”

He gave Mark a nod and Mark shook his head as he pressed send on the selected photo. Sebastian wasn't sure how long it would take to bounce off a satellite to reach his brother's phone, so he filled for a moment.

“Um, so yeah how are you guys? All alright?”

“We're fine. Your brother was back to school today.”

“Ah how was that?”

His brother grumbled and both Seb and Mark huffed silent laughs.

“Oh well we've got something that might cheer you up,” offered Mark. “Check your phone mate.”

“Hm?” Fabian took his mobile phone out of his pocket. “There's nothing.”

“Give it a sec.”

“Um okay.”

Fabian looked at his phone, then shrugged at his parents who were equally at a loss.

“What's this about then?” asked Norbert.

“It's a surprise,” stated Sebastian, enjoying this more than he thought he ought to. “You'll see in a sec.”

“A surprise?” echoed his mother.

“A nice one. A pretty amazing one actually. We've had a big surprise ourselves today and we wanted to share it with you.”

Fabian's phone beeped and he pressed to open the new message, then gasped as he peered in at the little picture on his screen.

“Oh my god!”

“What?” worried his mother.

Sebastian and Mark looked to one another guessing what was happening at the other end other call.

“It might be a bit dark,” noted Mark. “I had to turn the flash off, but...”

“Oh my, oh...”

Heike sounded stunned. Over in Germany Fabian was leaning in to show his parents the picture he had been sent showing Seb and Mark with a tiny baby cradled in Seb's arms. Heike had her hand on her heart and Norbert's mouth was open in shock.

“Seb. Oh my god,” exclaimed Fabian, just a step ahead of his parents. “That's... wow, a baby? Is that, I mean... Where did a baby come from? Is it...? Is it yours?”

“You've got a baby?” repeated Norbert. “But how?”

“A baby. Oh my, oh Seb, Mark...”

Heike took in a breath and started crying. Seb suddenly felt guilty.

“Oh Mum it's alright. We just wanted to share our surprise. It's totally happened out of the blue. We just got a call this morning and we've been at the hospital all day.”

“It's your baby?” checked Fabian.

“Well yeah. Technically we have to be counted as fostering until the adoption is all sorted out.”

“But it will be,” assured Mark. “We've just got to go through all the legal steps.”

Heike had taken the mobile phone from her son and was busily wiping away tears so he could look at the picture as closely as possible.

“It's very small. Is it a boy or a girl?”

“A boy. He was a bit premature, but he's okay.”

“Does he have a name?” asked his father.

“Teo, well Theo, we've not quite worked it out.”

“You've not worked it out?” frowned Norbert.

“His mother named him.”

“Oh.”

“We can't agree how to pronounce it, but, anyway it doesn't matter.”

“A boy,” repeated Heike.

“Yeah.”

“And he's okay? He looks tiny.”

“Yeah he is. He was in an incubator for a bit, but they say he's fine, just a bit small.”

“We'll feed him up,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but Mark just gave him a wink.

“He's a strong little fella,” Mark assured them. “They wouldn’t have let him out otherwise.”

“No of course,” agreed Norbert. “When was he born then?”

“New Year's Eve, well just past actually. Just after midnight.”

“Oh Mark,” sighed Heike. “A New Year baby.”

“Yeah.”

Mark leaned in and touched the baby's tiny snub nose.

“Our perfect start to the year.”

“So what's the story then?” enquired Fabian. “You just got a phone-call?”

“Yep, right out of the blue as Seb said.”

“And what about, well, how is it he's... you know?”

“You mean why does he need adopting?”

“Yeah.”

“Well...”

 

Between the two of them they gave a brief explanation of the background. As soon as Heike heard that the mother had died she was in tears again, but Seb couldn't blame her seeing as it had the same affect on him.

“Oh Seb dear, it's just so sad.”

“I know Mum.”

Heike sighed and wiped at her eyes again as her husband shook his head at her.

“He's alright though?” double-checked Norbert.

“Yeah he's fine,” assured Mark.

“So what happens now?”

“Well Rachel, our case worker, is coming over tomorrow and we'll go over things again I'm guessing and we just have to work through the steps applying for the adoption and waiting for it to be approved.”

“So what do you have to do?” asked Fabian.

“Oh let them be,” interrupted Heike. “It'll all be fine won't it?”

“Of course it will,” assured Mark. “It's just the way it works.”

“We don't really want to think of it as fostering,” explained Seb. “He really feels like he's ours.”

“Well of course he does,” stated Heike. “You look so at home with him already.”

“Yeah. I'm holding him right now Mum,” Sebastian looked down, still half-amazed to see the baby really was there in his arms. “He's beautiful, tiny, but he's just perfect.”

 

Heike sighed and put her hand at her heart. She looked to her husband.

“We have to go over.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who stepped in.

“Yeah we'd like that, but we just need a few days to sort ourselves out and while Rachel visits and stuff.”

“Oh, oh okay.”

“Why don't we give you a few days and see how you're doing?” offered Norbert.

“Yeah that'd be good. We've got to sort out midwife visits and stuff as well you see.”

“Ah right, well fair enough.”

“I want to come too,” asserted Fabian.

Mark smiled and looked to Seb.

“Of course, well we'll work it out.”

“Maybe the weekend after this?” offered Sebastian.

“Yeah that might work,” chimed Mark.

“We can make a plan,” agreed Norbert.

“So have you just got back from the hospital?” asked Fabian.

“Yeah a bit ago.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah mate, I couldn't agree more.”

Heike huffed out a breath.

“Ohh, I can hardly believe it.”

“Yeah I think we're slightly in shock,” agreed Mark.

“We just need a few days to work out what we're doing,” explained Seb.

“Are you sure you don't want just me to come over?” offered Heike.

Sebastian paused and looked to Mark awkwardly.

“I think we just need a bit of time Mum.”

“Okay, well... You'll call?”

“Of course, whenever we can.”

“I just want to help.”

“I know Mum, I will call.”

“It doesn't matter if it's late, I won't mind.”

Sebastian hid a sigh feeling more guilty, so Mark stepped in.

“I'm sure we'll be needing advice, thank you Heike.”

“Alright, well...”

“How are you set for things for the baby?” asked Norbert changing the subject.

“Oh Mark went out and bought a load of stuff this afternoon,” explained Seb.

“Really?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah I wore out the bank card. I know we'll need plenty more things but we should be set for now.”

“You should ask your sister,” asserted Heike, “Sofie's grown out of her little baby things, we could bring them over.”

“Um,” paused Sebastian.

“I'm sure a baby doesn't care if they're for a girl or a boy.”

“I'm sure they don't mum,” agreed Seb. “He's smaller than Sofie was though, but yeah I'm sure anything Stef wants to pass on would be great.”

“You can never have too much. Babies are always needing changing. They get, well, all sorts all over themselves and you.”

“Mm. Okay well I think we'll be okay for now.”

“Have you spoken to your sisters?”

“Not yet. Guess we'll call them next.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who nodded.

“Well, do you want to do that then?” offered Heike.

“I guess we'd better.”

Mark smiled.

“Think you can restrain yourself from telling them Fabe?”

“Umm.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Don't tell me, you have already.”

“Hey it's big news,” defended Fabian. “I just sent them the picture.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Right. I'd better get on then. We'll call you when we can.”

 

They signed off with more assurances and offers to help and congratulations before Mark reached to disconnect the call, holding up the phone to show missed calls already from Stefanie and Melanie that had gone to voicemail and anxious texts asking him to call. Sebastian decided to call Mel first, knowing that the conversation with his older sister would take longer. The calls went much the same way as with his parents, full of amazement and curiosity, but Seb was glad to get to talk to Stef whose offer of advice and help felt less intimidating than from their mother. He knew it was slightly unfair, but it felt less as though his sister would judge him. Stef pointed out that she was still off on leave until late February herself.

“So you know we can come over, whenever you like. We don't want to crowd you.”

“Oh no that would be great. I don't know when. I think we're a bit bowled over at the moment.”

“Course you are. Wow, I still can't believe it.”

“Neither can we.”

“Yeah. Well you'll be fine. If we can do it you can.”

Sebastian laughed and looked to Mark.

“That's reassuring.”

“I mean it.”

“I know. Thanks.”

“Oh and they'll be less than a year apart in age,” noted Stef. “Won't that be lovely?”

“Yeah.”

“We'll have to introduce Sofie to her new cousin,” asserted Jan.

“There's no rush,” assured Stef. “I know what it's like, everyone piles in while you're still trying to work out how to get through the day. They all want to help, but it can be a bit much.”

“I guess.”

“So we're ones you can just say to, okay? We're here if you need us and we'd love to come over, but we'll fit around you.”

“That's very kind of you Stef,” offered Mark. “We really appreciate it.”

“No problem. Ah my gosh, this is so great. Oh I knew it would all work out.”

Sebastian sighed and looked down to the baby.

“I really wish it wasn't still fostering first.”

“It'll be alright,” assured Mark.

“Yeah I guess.”

“It'll be fine,” joined in Stef. “You said there was no family.”

“Yeah.”

“Well there you go. I'm not surprised your case-worker knew you were perfect. You were all ready to go weren't you?”

“Actually we didn't have anything. Mark had to buy it all.”

“Oh I don't mean things, anyone can buy things, I meant you. You two, a ready-made family. It's perfect.”

Sebastian closed his eyes a second and Mark gave him a squeeze.

“We couldn't be happier,” he assured them.

“I'm sure. Well we'll let you go, but we're here any time you want to, give us a ring, okay?”

“Okay, thanks Stef, Jan.”

“Thanks,” added Seb. “We really appreciate it and it would be good if you can come over, I'm just not sure when.”

“Whenever. Give us a shout.”

“Sure.”

“Okay well give little Teo a big kiss from his Tante Stef, Onkel Jan and cousin Sofie and feel free to send us lots of pictures.”

Mark and Seb laughed and agreed that they would, before they said their goodbyes.

 

That done they both sat back a bit and puffed a breath.

“God I'm knackered Liebling. What time is it?”

“Half eight. Let's take a break and call my lot in a bit, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Why don't I take him?”

Sebastian nodded and handed the baby over, shaking his arms out afterwards.

“He's light, but gosh after a while your arms just go numb.”

Mark smiled and leaned into the baby.

“Aw poor thing, you're not heavy.”

“He's not, I think it's just sitting in the same position.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Do you want a cup of tea?” offered Seb.

“If I can work out how to hold him and drink it yeah,” agreed Mark.

“We can swap.”

“Hmm. I think we need to work on our technique.”

“Okay.”

  
  


Sebastian left him to go boil the kettle. As the tea brewed he caught sight of the empty baskets and felt guilty as he opened the back door to call the dogs in from the garden. He crouched down to rub their fur.

“Oh boys I'm so sorry,” he apologised. “Soon warm up, there we go.”

The dogs trotted over to the baskets and climbed in to sit eating and drinking. Seb went with them.

“We need to introduce you to our new addition. Hmm, okay you eat that and we'll do it in a bit. Stay here.”

 

Sebastian went to wash his hands, then made the tea to take through. He put his down on the coffee table and offered a mug to Mark.

“Do you think you can hold it? I didn't fill it very full.”

Mark had sat up slightly, using the same cushion Seb had to support his arm with the baby balanced on his knee, his neck and head carefully resting into the crook of Mark's arm. He took the mug and very cautiously leaned over to try to drink it without holding the mug over the baby, just in case somehow he contrived to spill some of the hot liquid. One sip successfully taken Mark held the mug further away and smiled at Seb.

“Harder than it looks.”

“Do you want to swap?”

“No I'm fine. You drink your tea darling, we're quite happy here.”

Sebastian smiled to see that the baby fast asleep again.

“He really sleeps a lot,” he observed.

“Ah well I think he's quite cosy,” asserted Mark.

Seb nodded and tucked the blanket around the sleeping figure a little more.

“Maybe he doesn't quite realise? I mean that he shouldn't even be born yet.”

Mark laughed.

“You think he's not quite up to joining the human race yet?”

“Aw I wouldn't put it that way.”

“Nah he's just easing into it all. He can sleep all he likes for me.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took a drink.

“Oh I let the dogs in.”

“Oh god, were they alright? I forgot,” realised Mark.

“They seem fine. They were warming up and having some food. I was thinking though, should we try introducing them?”

“Yeah guess so. In a bit maybe?”

“Sure.”

  
  


They allowed themselves a breather while they drank their tea, Mark eventually relenting and letting Seb take the baby back while he finished his drink off. When they were done he collected up their mugs.

“Right, why don't I bring Shadow and Simba through and see how we go, yeah?”

“Yeah okay. You will hold onto them won't you Liebling.”

“I will. I don't think they're going to pounce though darling, they'll just want a little sniff.”

“Hmm.”

Mark leaned in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“I'll control them darling, it's fine.”

“Okay.”

  
  


Mark went into the kitchen, ditched the mugs in the sink and thought how they ought to get a dishwasher installed now they would have less time. Yet another thing to add to the list. He turned to the dogs and crouched by them in their baskets.

“Right boys it's time. You need to be on your absolute best behaviour, okay? I'm gonna take you through to meet our new little one and you mustn't get too close and scare him, or Seb come to that. Alright?”

Mark looked each of the in the eye and realised he was doing the same thing as he did with the baby. They couldn't answer. He stood up and beckoned them on.

“Come on, into the lounge, nice and slow.”

They followed Mark out into the hall where the lounge door was set to. Mark turned to them again and looked at them firmly.

“No rushing. No getting excited. Stay by me.”

He held up a finger and the dogs looked up. Mark was sure they had confused expressions on their faces as he slowly opened the door. The dogs pushed against his legs so as they entered the room he took a hold of each of their collars and slowly walked towards Seb on the sofa. Mark could see Sebastian looked a little nervous and was holding the baby with both arms around him in a very protective manner.

“It's fine, come on boys.”

Mark brought them to stand by Seb's legs, keeping hold of them and keeping his voice low and steady. The dogs were nosing into Sebastian, trying to work out what the funny smelling bundle he was holding was.

“Now then this is Theo.”

“Teo,” Seb corrected.

“Okay, well, this is our little boy,” continued Mark, “and it's your job to protect him, never let him get hurt or upset. You have to look after him.”

“And don't frighten him,” added Seb.

“They won't frighten him. They just want to get to know him.”

Sebastian was fighting the urge to pull the baby further away from the inquisitive dogs, but he knew he had to let them become accustomed to him so they knew how to behave around him. He shifted the baby slightly and turned him a fraction so the dogs could see his face. Shadow went to stick his nose into the blanket a little and Mark pulled him back to make sure they didn't pass on any germs.

“He's asleep boys. Maybe he'll say hello tomorrow.”

Both dogs were lifting their heads, wanting to see more, but Mark decided it was enough for now.

“Right that'll do. Come on boys, let's leave him in peace.”

Mark tugged at their collars and the dogs reluctantly went with him back to the kitchen. Mark topped up their food and drink knowing they were going to lack attention while he and Seb were busy. Then he had a brainwave. He washed his hands to be sure there was no danger of passing anything from the dogs to the baby, then nipped upstairs and looked in the airing cupboard for a couple of clean flannels. Then he came back down and joined Seb in the lounge.

“I've had an idea,” he announced.

“Oh?”

“The dogs need to get used to his scent, so if we tuck these in with him I can put them in their baskets overnight.”

“Okay.”

“It doesn't sound weird?”

“No it's a good idea Liebling.”

Mark nodded and lifted the blanked to put the little bits of material in against the baby, then wrapped him up again.

“Right, there we go. Can't hurt to try anyway,” he noted.

Mark looked to Seb.

“They won't hurt him darling.”

“I know. I'm just being paranoid.”

Mark smiled.

“We'll just take it slow, let them get to know each other. There's no rush.”

“Yeah okay. Right. Is it late enough to call your folks?” checked Seb.

Mark looked for his phone.

“Believe me darling we could make this call at 3am their time and they'd thank us. I reckon they'll just be getting breakfast now.”

“Should we wait?”

“Nah, I'll do what you did. Send that picture to them and tell them to call as soon as they're free.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“We're so mean.”

“They'll love it. Want to set a timer to see how fast Mum rings me back?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and shook his head as Mark sent the picture to his mother's mobile phone.

  
  


Almost no time passed before Mark's phone burst into life. He set it on speaker with a wink to Seb.

“Hey Mum.”

“Mark? Oh my goodness, what's this about? Have they found you a match?”

“You could say that. Is Dad there?”

“He's here. What's going on? You can't just send a photo like that.”

“Hi Mark,” drifted in the voice of his father.

“Hi Dad, Seb's here too.”

“Oh hello Seb.”

“Hello Seb dear,” added Diane, “what's going on then?”

“Yeah they found us a match,” confirmed Mark. “We've got him right here in fact.”

“Oh, oh Mark, you're home?”

“Yeah didn't you recognise the sofa?”

“I wasn't looking at the sofa,” pointed out his mother. “A baby? Oh my goodness you've got a baby with you right now?”

“Yeah he's here.”

“We need to work out how to do that Skype thing,” noted Seb.

“Oh you have to tell us everything,” demanded Diane.

 

Mark smiled and dived in, explaining the situation just as they had to Seb's family. There was much sighing from Mark's mother and they too said they wanted to come over.

“I don't know when though,” admitted Mark. “We just need a bit of breathing space.”

“Well alright, but we can come can't we?”

“Of course you can, we just need a few days to catch up on ourselves and we'll start working things out.”

“It's all just happened so fast,” explained Seb. “I'd never have thought they'd just let us take him home straight away to be honest.”

“Well dear it sounds to me like they did the right thing. It's no good a baby being stuck in a hospital no matter how nice the nurses are. I'm sure he's right where he belongs. Is he asleep?”

“Yeah he's asleep most of the time really.”

“Well be grateful dear, you'll soon be wishing he'd sleep more.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Thanks Mum.”

“Well you will. I suppose that's one good thing with with us being on the other side of the world, you can call us in the middle of your night can't you?”

“I guess we can.”

“And do, even if it's just to say hello, or if we can help at all.”

“Will do.”

“What are you going to do about Porsche Mark?” enquired his father.

“Ah I'll just have to talk to them. They can't go back on their word.”

“No, but you might want to handle it carefully.”

“Dad they can't say no. It's the law over here.”

“Okay well even so, you still want to keep relations good.”

“I know. I will,” promised Mark. “I just need a few days and then I'll get on it.”

“Alright well I'm sure it'll be okay. They do already know you were planning this don't they?”

“Yeah.”

“It'll be fine,” asserted his mother, “don't go worrying them. And Seb, you're not back racing until March are you?”

“No. I've got a few work things lined up before we get to testing, but I'll call Christian, work things out.”

“At least it's close,” noted Alan.

“Yeah. Anyway it's pretty good timing really,” commented Mark, “just the odd bit here and there for Seb and I'll sort things with Porsche, so we've got a couple of months pretty much clear to really get ourselves together.”

“I'm sure you'll need it dear,” commented Diane.

“Hah, thanks Mum.”

“No not in bad way, but you'll be surprised where the time goes.”

“I'm sure.”

“I'm just glad I'll be home mostly,” added in Seb. “Mark's right, it's good timing.”

 

As he said it Sebastian thought how a month earlier might have been even better timing, but perhaps things happened for a reason? This did feel so right. It all had to work out.

“And then you'll both be over for the race in Melbourne?” checked Alan.

“Oh blimey Dad we're still trying to work out what we do five minutes from now,” laughed Mark.

“No I know, I was just thinking we could come and help.”

“I'm sure we'll work something out.”

“Maybe you could come out early again and have a proper visit?” asked Diane.

“Maybe Mum, we'll have to see.”

“I'm sure we'd like to,” assured Seb. “We'll just have to make plans nearer the time.”

“Of course, well anyway we can't wait to see you.”

“Yeah we've got to meet the little fella,” joined in Alan. “What's his name again?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Depends which one of us you ask. Theo, or Teo. We'll have to work that out too.”

“Ah right. Well he looks a lovely little thing.”

“He's beautiful,” assured Diane. “You have to send us lots and lots of pictures.”

“Yep, on the case Mum.”

“Right well we'd better let you call Leanne. She'll be thrilled.”

“Yeah thanks.”

“We're so happy for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes thanks,” added Seb.

“Of course and Seb dear don't be worrying about all those legal steps you've got to go through. It'll all be fine,” assured Diane.

“And if not, you can afford expensive lawyers who will make sure of it,” proposed Alan.

“Alan,” tsked Diane.

“Well I'm just saying. They can afford to weigh the game in their favour if they need to. Might as well take advantage of it.”

“I'm sure we won't need to Dad,” calmed Mark. “Rachel didn't seem to think there would be any issues. It just takes a little time.”

“Of course. I wasn't saying there would be.”

“No alright, well anyway we should go. We need to call Leanne and then we can sort ourselves out this end. I haven't even put the moses basket together yet.”

 

Ten thousand miles away Diane took in a little breath thinking she might cry at that image; her son setting up a crib for their tiny new baby.

“Oh I wish we were closer,” she sighed.

“I know Mum, me too.”

“We'll sort out a visit,” assured Alan.

“Yep.”

“Okay well take care of yourselves.”

“Yes do,” echoed Diane, “get as much sleep as you can while he is, you'll need it.”

“And on that cheery note, we'll let you go,” stepped in Alan. “Love to all three of you.”

“Thanks, you too.”

“Yep and we'll send you more pictures tomorrow.”

“Great. Bye then.”

 

They all said their goodbyes, then hung up. Mark puffed out a long breath.

“One call left then what say we go see about sorting ourselves out?”

“Yeah I'm really tired Liebling.”

Mark smiled.

“I don't think we know what tired is yet.”

Sebastian pouted and Mark pressed a kiss in then kissed the sleeping baby's forehead for good measure.

 

“You're right though. I'm pretty tired,” Mark agreed. “We'll just ring Leanne, then sort out things for bed.”

“He'll need another feed.”

“Yeah okay. Hopefully we'll be a bit quicker at it this time.”

Sebastian sighed and looked down at the baby.

“We'll have to set the alarm Liebling. The nurse said he might not wake and then he'd get dehydrated in the night.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb's arm a little rub.

“Alright don't worry, we'll wake. We'll have a look at that schedule and just do it together tonight. We can take it in turns once we've got the hang of it.”

“He is going in our room isn't he Liebling?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Guess so.”

“I don't want him to be on his own,” asserted Seb. “He needs to know we're there.”

“Yeah okay. I got a baby monitor, but sure, you're right, best we keep a close eye on him while he's tiny.”

“I just hate thinking of him feeling all alone in the hospital Liebling. I want him to know he has a family now.”

Mark smiled at him.

“Course he's got a family. Yeah alright, well let's call Leanne, then we're done, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark huffed out a breath and prepared himself for yet another call sharing their news. He wasn't sure whether his mother might have sent the photograph on to his sister, but the moment Leanne picked up he knew she had.

“Ach I have been sat here _waiting_ for you to call,” complained Leanne as soon as it rang through.

“Hi sis, take it Mum's been in touch?” smiled Mark.

“I can't believe it. Is Seb there?”

“Yeah I'm here.”

“Dean's at work and I just get in from dropping the kids off to find that picture on my phone. Mum texted and said to hang on for you calling. Have you really got the baby right there?”

“Yep he's here,” confirmed Mark.

“Oh gosh, he looks tiny, how much did he weigh?”

“Six four.”

“Mum said he was early, how many weeks?”

“Born at thirty-seven weeks so they said he's just on the cusp of being premature,” explained Mark.

“Hmm it is a bit early, that's not too bad a weight though. He must be doing okay if they let him out I suppose.”

“Yeah he's good.”

“And he's feeding alright?”

“Yeah we gave him a bottle earlier.”

“Good stuff, well you'll have your hands full.”

“Yep. Literally so.”

“Oh it's wonderful though. I'm so pleased for you. How did it all happen? You hadn't said anything.”

“That's cos we didn't know. We just got a call and high-tailed it down to the hospital.”

“Tell me all about it then.”

 

Mark ran through the tale once more, Seb joining in occasionally as Leanne took in all the details and offered more advice and congratulations.

“Oh Mum must be over the moon,” she smiled.

“She didn't ring you?”

“No just sent a text and said to wait for you to call. I guess she was letting me have a clear line.”

“Ah yeah that makes sense,” agreed Mark. “Well you can call her after this.”

“You bet I will. Oh well I know you'll be fine, but you can call me as often as you like.”

“Thanks.”

“Any reason at all. I won't mind, even if you just want a bit of reassurance.”

“I will.”

“Same goes Seb, yeah?” checked Leanne.

“Thanks, very kind.”

“I'm sure your sister said the same.”

“She did, but it's good to have back up.”

“Ha,” laughed Leanne. “Good stuff. Ah gosh, this is such a nice surprise. Honestly, make the most of it. You'll be knackered, but this is such an important time.”

“We're just glad we'll have lots of time at home,” commented Seb.

“Yeah that's good. You're lucky.”

“Yeah we are,” agreed Mark.

“Ah.” Leanne sighed. “I don't know when I'll get to see you. I'd love to come over, but the kids have school.”

“Oh no that's okay.”

“I'll have a think.”

“It's fine, we'll see you in March anyway.”

“Oh but that's ages away,” complained Leanne.

“Well Mum and Dad want to come over soon. I'd guess in the next few weeks, but don't worry about it.”

“Hmm, okay well I'll see.”

“Okay. Oh Leanne, sorry if this sounds a bit weird, but you will you ask the kids not to put anything on Facebook or Twitter or anything?” requested Mark.

“Oh?”

“Sorry, I know it sounds... I don't know, but we'll need to work out what we're doing about people knowing. The public I mean, we just don't need that.”

“Of course. No don't worry about that I'll have a talk with them,” assured Leanne.

“Sorry Leanne,” added in Seb. “I guess I'll need to talk to Britta. We just don't want any press and all that.”

“Of course you don't. It's fine. Don't fret about it.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Mark smiled as he saw the baby blink his eyes open.

“Hey he's woken up. Guess he likes the sound of your voice Leanne.”

“Ohh, ah I wish I could see.”

“We'll send more pictures.”

“Yeah.”

“And we're going to see if we can work out what to do with Skype,” added Seb.

Leanne huffed a laugh.

“Worry about nappies and bottles, not technology.”

“Yeah well photos anyway.”

“That'd be great. Okay, well what are you doing now?”

“We need to get set up for bed. You should see all the stuff I bought.”

“I'm sure. Well when you come in March I'll look out some things I kept from when Ryan was little if you'd like that?”

“Very kind.”

Sebastian let out a yawn and Leanne laughed.

“Oh dear. Bedtime for someone.”

“Sorry.”

“Oh no this must have been a bit of a mind-blowing day.”

“God you got that right,” smiled Mark.

“Yeah, well sleep when you can. Forget normality and take naps or you'll be zombies within a week.”

“That's a worry.”

“It's true. Up through the night and that's just feeds, never mind nappy changes and just general crying.”

“He's really good actually,” stated Seb.

“Hmm, well give it time. If he's tiny he might not have the energy, but he will soon once he's worked out it gets your attention.”

“Thanks.”

“Sorry, just speaking from experience.”

“That's okay.”

“Alright well we'd better go,” intervened Mark. “I'm sure we'll be on to you when we get stuck soon enough.”

“Yes do. Alright well till then all my love.”

“And back to you.”

“Yeah same, thanks Leanne,” added Sebastian.

  
  


  
  


By the time they hung up Sebastian felt as though they had been on the phone for hours.

“Sorry Liebling can you take him? I need to stretch.”

Mark smiled and nodded, taking the baby so Sebastian could stand up and stretch out stiff limbs from being in the same position for too long. He sat back down and looked at his watch.

“It's half nine.”

“Time flies.”

“Yeah so if we make up the crib and then change him ready for bed. Do you think he needs a bath?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“No he's fine. We can have a go at that tomorrow afternoon if you like?”

“We need a thermometer.”

“Well we'll order one online. I'm sure he can do without a full bath until Friday.”

“Okay. Am I fretting?”

Mark smiled at the way Seb frowned at himself.

“No darling, just caring. It's all fine. Come on, let's go tackle the crib.”

Mark moved the baby to hold him against his chest and Seb put a hand under his elbow to help him stand. They went out into the hall and walked up the stairs incredibly slowly. When they reached the top they looked into the nursery and Sebastian shook his head at all the bags and boxes piled up in there.

“Meh we'll sort it tomorrow,” dismissed Mark. “Now that's the crib and the box beside it has the stand and mattress. You grab that.”

 

Sebastian went into the room and tucked the box under his arm while he just about managed to carry the plastic-wrapped moses basket and they went through to their bedroom. Seb unwrapped everything and laid it out on the floor. He decided the main crib was easiest to deal with so he unwrapped the new little mattress, fitted the elasticated sheet around it and slipped it into the basket. Seb folded the cream coloured hood up and smiled to see how sweet it looked, then folded it back down. He frowned at the pieces of wood that made the stand and turned to Mark sat on the bed with the baby.

“I'm not sure how that all works,” he admitted.

“Hmm.”

Mark stood and passed the baby back to Seb so he could have a look, frowning himself as he read the instructions.

“I think we need a screwdriver.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark shrugged.

“Well look, the basket's fine on it's own isn't it? It can just sit on the floor tonight and we'll sort it in the morning. I don't think I've got the energy to do battle with DIY right now.”

Seb looked at the moses basket and then back at the baby.

“I suppose he won't care as long as he's comfy.”

“Course he won't,” concurred Mark. “I'll go grab those blankets.”

Mark came back through with a pack of blankets and folded them to fit in, putting another couple underneath the bassinet so that it was insulated from the floor at least.

“There we go. Let's give it a try.”

Mark reached to take the baby while Seb moved the blankets in the crib and they set the baby down, Seb tucking the blankets around. The baby wriggled about for a moment, then seemed to settle.

“See, quite happy,” smiled Mark.

“Oh Mark you dropped these.”

Seb picked up the flannels that had been put by the baby and passed them over.

“Oh yeah. Right we'll see if the boys can have a good snuffle with these overnight.”

“We need to make sure the crib's not too close to the bed,” stated Seb.

“Oh?”

“In case, well, we might tread on him or fall out or something.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Darling when was the last time one of us fell out of bed?”

“Well I don't know. What if he cries and we forget in the middle of the night that he's right there on the floor?”

Mark shook his head, but he relented.

“Alright, just a little way over. Is he going on your side then?”

Sebastian smiled and Mark rolled his eyes.

“Hey just means you'll hear him cry first.”

“I don't mind.”

“Ha, you say that now.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I just want him to know we're there.”

Mark put his arm around him as they looked in at the baby.

“He will darling. He does. Look how snug he is.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark took in a deep breath trying to wake his brain up a bit.

“So I take it I'd better dig out some PJ’s?”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Of course. That'd just be, well, I don't know. It'd be weird otherwise.”

“Okay, that's fine. I reckon we're gonna be wandering down to the kitchen a fair bit anyway.”

“Hmm. We should bring the changing mat and things up.”

“Yeah. Better get a spare of those, save us running around.”

“And a travel kit.”

“Yep.” Mark laughed. “Blimey, good job we've got the funds isn't it?”

“I guess. Yeah there's just so much we need.”

“Well we'll get it all. We've got enough to get by for now.”

“Did you get him some night clothes?” enquired Seb.

 

Mark smiled and disappeared off, returning with a pack of night babygros patterned with little animal characters. He opened the packet and pulled one out.

“She said these were nice and soft.”

Sebastian touched the fleecy material and smiled.

“They're nice.”

“Good. Reckon I could have a onesie made out of that myself,” joked Mark.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head, but it was nice. The material was soft just as Mark said and the little outfit was so small it made him sigh. He held it up and looked at the little feet just waiting for real tiny feet to be kept warm through the night.

“It's so cute,” he smiled.

“Yeah it is. Right. Before he gets too settled we should sort that bottle, see if he needs changing and then, well I guess we ought to get some kip.”

“We need to set the alarms up.”

“Yeah okay. We will.”

They set about swapping the baby into his night-time babygro, Sebastian slipped the little fleece hat off to aid undressing him and paused for a moment looking down at him in just his nappy. His little limbs seemed even smaller all exposed like this; scrawny little legs and arms that needed feeding up to be properly chubby like a baby should be, little hands with little fingers curled up unhappily at being undressed and redressed, little feet, god his little feet with little toes that were so adorably tiny even while they kicked in protest.

Their tiny baby. Their child to protect and nurture and keep safe, to keep safe at all costs. As Mark changed his nappy, Sebastian found himself transfixed looking at the baby while his eyes were open and looking up at them. He was quiet yet, still quiet, and Seb wondered if he wasn't sure where he was or what was going on. Mark carefully lifted the baby up as between them they redressed him, Seb fitting those little feet into the feet of the babygro and pulling it up before Mark lay him back down so they could get persuade him to submit to his arms being fitted in as well.

“Come on little fella, you'll get cold,” chided Mark as the baby tucked his arm in just as Mark was trying to fit it into the sleeve.

As he finally succeeded Mark puffed a breath. God this had to get easier or they were never going to leave the house again if it took ten minutes just to put a babygro on him. As the baby settled back into lying there Mark ghosted a hand over the light coloured whispy fluff that only existed in sketchy patches on the baby's head.

“Think he might be a blonde like you,” Mark smiled. “Not that there's much to tell.”

Sebastian picked the baby up and held him to his chest, one hand and arm supporting his weight, another cradling the back of the baby's head. Seb didn't care what colour his hair was or if it was barely there just yet. He gently rested his cheek by the baby's head and closed his eyes as he took a deep inhale of the smell. Seb couldn't place it. Maybe it was the clothing or whatever the nurses had used to keep him clean, but to Seb he just smelt of baby; warm and almost musty somehow. His brain couldn't come up with the words to properly describe it, but he smelt like _theirs_ , perfect, longed for, dreamt of and finally real. This baby felt real. He was real. Here in his arms.

Sebastian looked back up as he felt Mark's hand on his arm to see Mark looking at him with the softest expression on his face. Mark hadn't needed words to understand what he was seeing in that moment. Seb looked as though they had found the piece of their jigsaw they had missing that finally made them complete as a family. Seb looked at him and tried to say something, but all he could do was give a shake of his head before tears spilled out again. Mark just gave him little smile and smoothed the tears from Seb's cheeks.

“Sorry,” apologised Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“Don't be. It's okay. I understand. It's a lot.”

“The biggest thing ever.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded. Their tiny new addition was the biggest thing to ever happen to them. He leaned in and pressed the softest of barely there kisses to the top of the baby's head, then another to Seb's damp cheek. If he wasn't careful Mark knew he'd start crying himself in a minute. He picked up the matching fleece hat to go with the night babygro and carefully fitted it onto the baby's head.

“Gotta keep you warm little man.”

Sebastian smiled and as Mark stood he let him take the baby so they could continue getting to bed. Mark smoothed a hand over the soft material covering the baby's back and felt strangely proud that he had bought it for him. All he'd done was add it to a trolley and pay, but somehow it felt like a symbol of how he would provide for his child and keep him safe and warm. The baby nuzzled into him and Mark felt that tug in his heart again. This was their baby. He'd made a joke of it before, but Mark knew if anyone tried to take him from them he would fight with the last breath in his body to stop them. His father was right. They had money and anyone stood in their way of making this adoption a reality then Mark would empty his bank account to protect his family.

“We should sort out his bottle,” prompted Sebastian.

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded. Practicalities. That was what they needed to concentrate on.

  
  


  
  


By the time they had sorted out another bottle, fed the baby, set alarms for night feeds and put the baby safely down to sleep in his crib, time was getting on. Mark and Sebastian sat down on their bed and puffed a breath.

“God I'm knackered,” sighed Mark.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian was leaning forwards from where he sat, peering into the moses basket to see the baby.

“He's asleep,” he observed.

“Yep. He's got the right idea,” agreed Mark. “Let's get ready for bed and we can get some kip ourselves before we have to get up again.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Do you want to go first?”

“Hm?”

“To use the bathroom.”

Mark frowned then huffed a little laugh.

“Sweetheart he'd be alright for five minutes on his own.”

“I don't want to leave him.”

Mark looked at Seb but he didn't want to argue so he nodded and they took their turns using the bathroom and getting ready for bed. As they changed into pyjamas Mark looked over to Seb.

 

“We're not going to be one of those couples who have a kid and never have sex again are we?”

“ _Mark_.”

Mark smiled and shook his head, going to stand by Sebastian so he could put an arm around him.

“I'm teasing darling.”

“He needs to feel safe and know we're here.”

“Alright. Easier to look after him in the night anyway I guess if he's right here.”

Sebastian looked to him.

“Maybe when he's settled in and he's a bit bigger he can sleep in the nursery.”

“Sure. His room's a tip anyway,” noted Mark. “I was thinking we can get that furniture ordered, maybe decorate a bit more in there next week.”

“Not for him to go straight in there though?”

“No not right away. Be nice to have a proper place for all his stuff though right?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Get a changing table and some drawers to put all his little clothes in, get ourselves organised.”

“Yeah that'd be nice.”

“There we go then. Course he can stay in here while he's tiny darling. Then we can sleep safe knowing he's alright.”

Sebastian nodded and turned in to put his arms around Mark's middle to squash in for a hug.

“I still can't believe this is happening,” whispered Sebastian.

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek, one eye looking at the crib just a couple of feet away.

“No me neither.”

 

They went and knelt down by the basket to have a last check on the baby, both staring down in slight amazement at the tiny little face, eyes closed, his little mouth partly open as he breathed, the blankets over him rising and falling gently with each breath.

“Night night sweetheart, have a nice sleep,” smiled Mark.

“We're right here Schatz if you need us,” added Seb.

Mark smiled at him.

“He's fine. Come on, bed before we need to get up again.”

With one last look they climbed into bed. Sebastian lay facing out so he could look over at the crib just a couple of feet away. Mark said nothing about him fretting and simply snuggled in behind Seb, wrapping his arm around his waist and kissing the nape of his neck before setting his head to rest by Seb's. Mark closed his eyes and was so tired that within minutes he was asleep.

Sebastian on the other hand lay watching the baby sleeping, still hardly able to believe his eyes. The baby did look so cosy all wrapped up. He was fine. It occurred to Seb that he hadn't really said a proper thank you to Mark for all that frantic running around he had done to buy everything they needed so they could bring the baby home. He should say thank you. Sebastian turned slightly, but Mark was as fast asleep as the baby. Sebastian sighed and knew he needed to sleep too. He closed his eyes.

  
  


Seemingly moments later the alarm went off on Seb's phone and he sat up in a rush to switch it off. Mark was sitting up blearily beside him and rubbing at his face. They'd left the bedside light on and as Sebastian looked over he could see the baby squirming under the blankets, clearly disturbed by the noise. He pushed himself out of bed to go over and as Seb knelt by the crib the baby's eyes were open, his little face moving about unhappily as he started crying.

“Okay okay, it's alright,” soothed Seb, already pulling the blankets aside so he could pick him up.

Mark was over by him, looking in at the scrunched up little face half buried in Seb's shoulder as he held him.

“Do you want me to go down and do it?” offered Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'll come down. Can you grab one of his blankets?”

“Sure.”

Mark gave Seb a hand to stand up, then collected up a baby blanket to head down. As they got to the top of the stairs Sebastian looked to him.

“Mark can you walk in front in case I slip?”

“Do you want me to take him?”

“No just go in front, please?”

“Sure.”

They made their way slowly downstairs, the baby still fussing into Sebastian as they walked into the kitchen. As they switched on the light the dogs lifted up from the basket and Mark turned to Seb.

“You want me to send them into the lounge?”

Sebastian paused then shook his head thinking it seemed unfair to turf them out of their beds in the middle of the night. Mark went over to the corner.

“Boys you stay where you are,” he instructed. Mark ducked down and raised a finger to them. _“Stay_.”

The dogs dropped back down into their baskets and Mark gave them a stroke.

“Good boys. You're just gonna have to be good and stay back a while.”

Mark turned to see Seb standing moving his body back and forth slightly while he tried to quiet the baby and got up to go wash his hands yet again. It felt as though he was spending all his time doing that, but the nurse had scared the life out of him with her hygiene warnings so Mark wasn't about to risk anything. He started sorting out the bottle as Seb stood closer, watching what he was doing to try to get more familiar with the process himself. Once it was ready Mark turned the chairs out at the table and waited while Seb sat down and positioned the baby properly before handing him the bottle. The baby instantly quieted as he began suckling and the pair of them let out a puffed sigh.

“Happy now,” observed Mark.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Guess we'd better get used to this.”

“Yep.” Mark gave his knee a little rub. “It'll get easier when we know what we're doing.”

“We can take it in turns to come down.”

“Yeah.”

“And I will I promise Liebling. It's only if I'm about to race I just might have to let you.”

“That's alright sweetheart, that's the deal.”

“It's months off anyway.”

“Course.” Mark huffed a little laugh. “I'm sure he'll be sleeping through by then anyway.”

Sebastian looked at him, then realised Mark was joking.

“Mm, maybe a bit longer Liebling, but I think it varies.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah I'm sure our little guy will be an angel.”

“Hopefully. He looks pretty angelic right now.”

“Yeah.”

“The dogs are being good,” Sebastian observed, looking over at them lying in their baskets where the dogs watched on, still curious as to what was going on. “Did they still have the little flannels in with them?”

Mark peered over and nodded.

“Yeah. I think they just need to get used to things darling.”

Sebastian nodded and went back to looking down at the baby to see he was drinking his milk properly.

“You want a go?” offered Seb.

“In a minute.”

  
  


  
  


Once the baby had finished feeding Mark carried him back upstairs and they checked he didn't need changing before settling him back in to sleep and they gratefully climbed back into bed themselves. It didn't take long for them to fall asleep but after a while Mark woke finding Seb missing from beside him and sat up confusedly. He looked across and saw Sebastian knelt by the crib.

“Did I miss the alarm?”

“Hm?” Sebastian glanced back at Mark. “Oh. No.”

Mark frowned and clambered out of bed to join him.

“What's the matter? Is he okay?”

Mark knelt down beside Seb and looked in to see the baby sleeping.

“Yeah he just... I don't know, he made a funny noise,” explained Seb.

“What kind of noise?”

“I don't know. Like a little raspy noise.”

Mark leaned in closer to listen.

“He sounds fine.”

“I just wanted to be sure he was breathing properly.”

“He's fine.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let out slowly so Mark put his arm around him.

“He's really fine sweetheart.”

“Yeah. I just wanted to be sure.”

“How long have you been sat here?”

 

Sebastian shrugged. He'd been knelt watching the baby's little chest go up and down, up and down beneath the blanket, trying to lean closer to be sure he could hear him breathing.

“It just scared me,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark gave his arm a rub.

“He's alright. He's safe darling.”

Sebastian nodded distractedly.

“Sometimes babies though, they just... and he's so small.”

He bit his lip and Mark squeezed him in.

“He's strong. He's a fighter. I think he's had to be.”

Seb turned his head to Mark.

“He doesn't cry much.”

“He was crying before.”

“Because the alarm woke him.”

“And he was hungry. It's natural.”

“Yeah but apart from that he's hardly cried at all.”

Mark huffed out a little laugh.

“We should be grateful.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I just can't help thinking that maybe he cried in the hospital but nobody came to him and he just thinks... He thinks nobody loves him.”

Sebastian's eyes filled with sudden tears and as they spilled out Mark hugged him in closer.

“Hey now come on.”

“I just worry he spent the first days of his life alone,” explained Seb.

“I'm sure the nurses took care of him.”

“It's not the same.”

“No.” Mark sighed. “He's got us now though darling. We'll love him so much.”

Sebastian bit his lip and nodded.

“He won't remember will he?”

“No darling he won't. All he'll know is us. We're his parents. We'll love him, we'll keep him safe. That's all he'll know.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian took a deep breath. “I'm sorry Liebling.”

“That's alright.”

 

Sebastian pushed out the breath and calmed himself down.

“Do you think... I mean they do those little monitors don't they? To check a baby is breathing properly in their sleep.”

Mark thought he could argue that millions of babies throughout the ages had safely breathed through the night and made it safe to morning without technology to prove it, but he knew tragic things did happen too, even when their parents did everything right.

“Okay, we'll add it to the list sweetheart. We'll buy a bunch more stuff tomorrow, alright?”

“Okay.”

Mark gave Seb a squeeze and as he let him go Seb turned to him.

“I meant to say, thank you so much for running around buying all the things for him earlier.”

“Yesterday.”

“Hm?”

“It's yesterday now, but don't worry about it, I'm sure you did say.”

“Well thank you anyway.”

“No problem. I was glad to. Had to get this little guy what he needed didn't I?”

Sebastian gave him a smile and reached up to kiss him.

“Thank you.”

“Come on, let's go back to bed. We'll be up again before we know it.”

Seb nodded and with a last look to be sure the baby was sleeping they climbed back into bed. Mark pulled the duvet over them and Sebastian lay into his chest for a minute to be held in tight before swivelling back around to face the baby. He let out a long sigh and fell asleep surprisingly quickly while Mark ended up propping himself up to look over, staring at the crib in the low light watching the blanket rise and fall, trying to hear the baby breathing. He sighed and dropped back down to lie with Seb knowing he was just as bad as him. They'd have to buy that monitor to really be sure all three of them could sleep safely.

 

It was no time at all before the alarm intruded into their sleep again and Sebastian slammed the alarm off as fast as he could to try to prevent it disturbing the baby. He'd put his phone on the mattress next to his pillow so he was rather faster at it this time. Mark was sat up beside him, rubbing over his face to wake himself while Seb was out of bed and over to the crib. Mark stood up and stretched his back, then turned to Sebastian.

“I'll get it, you stay up here. I'll bring the bottle up.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. Don't drag him down if he's asleep.”

“Okay. I'll do the next one.”

“Sure.”

 

Next time around they sat propped on the bed holding the sleepy baby as he fed, his eyelids only half open as were Mark and Sebastian's. Seb yawned as Mark took his turn and Mark smiled at him.

“Go to sleep, I'll put him down when he's done.”

“No it's okay.”

Mark shook his head, but he left it. They were both yawning by the time Mark lifted the baby to wind him against his chest, Seb having to fit the little cloth onto his shoulder for him in case the baby spat any of the milk back up. This time when Mark had put the baby back in his crib none of them were awake for more than a few minutes before they gratefully dropped off. They'd be up again soon enough, this was their life now.

 

 

* * *

 


	195. New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for fluff. I want some fluff in my life right now. ;)

* * *

  
  


A high-pitched noise cut the warm drowsy air and Mark and Sebastian blinked awake, trying to orientate themselves and work out what the sound was. They sat up and stared over at the originator of the noise before looking to one another, both thinking the same thing: It wasn't a dream. They actually had a baby. And he was crying. Crying a lot.

Sebastian dragged the duvet off himself and went to scoop the baby out of his crib, sitting back on the bed with him as Mark shifted around to sit beside them. He reached to put his hand at the baby's cheek.

“Hey what's the matter kiddo?”

Mark looked over and saw that it was only half past six. The baby wasn't due a feed for another half hour.

“Can you check him?” requested Seb.

“Hm?”

“Nappy.”

“Oh. Right.”

Sebastian held the baby up against him as Mark attempted to undo the poppers on his babygro to check.

“Ah. Yeah good call sweetheart. Come here you.”

Mark took the baby to lay him out on the changing mat they had left on the floor a little way over from the moses basket. He continued undressing him while Sebastian got what they needed out and they set about changing the baby while he wriggled about and cried. It was struggle with him refusing to lie still, but they managed to get a fresh nappy on, though he was resisting having the babygro done back up. His little legs bent up into his body and Sebastian sat back and puffed out a breath.

“He doesn't look comfortable.”

Mark shrugged.

“Guess it's how he was used to lying, you know all curled up inside.”

“Oh, yeah I guess. Come on Schatz, you'll be getting cold.”

Sebastian carefully wrangled the bent up legs back into his babygro, Mark helping to do up the poppers to close it before lifting him back up.

“There now, come on, stop fussing, you're alright now,” he soothed.

Mark held him against his chest and balanced him with one hand to stroke over his back with the other until the baby ceased crying. Sebastian looked over at him.

“I might as well get the bottle. It won't matter if it's a little bit early will it?”

“No I'm sure it's fine. You alright to do it?”

“Yeah. I'll go down, bring it up.”

Seb picked up one of the blankets to drape around the baby as Mark held him. They stood up and Mark nodded to the bottle from in the night sat on the bedside drawer.

“Take that down will you?”

“Oh sure.”

 

Sebastian cancelled the alarm and went down to get a fresh bottle. When he returned Mark had climbed back into bed with the baby, using a spare pillow to prop up his arm and keeping the baby wrapped up in his little blanket. Sebastian smiled and handed him the bottle before climbing in alongside.

“This is nice,” he whispered as he leaned into Mark's other side to look down at the peacefully feeding baby.

“Yeah. Just don't let me fall asleep.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“I'd have thought your Le Mans racing was the perfect training for this.”

“Hmm, don't think I'd be much good at operating a car right now.”  
  
  


  
  


By the time they got up to make their own breakfast Mark was thinking his sister's advice about getting naps where they could was already sounding pretty good. They'd fed and changed the baby, put him in fresh clothes for the day, taken turns themselves to get showers and dress before finally coming down to the kitchen feeling as though they had already done a day's work already. The dogs were a little more awake and trotted over interestedly as Seb held the baby on his knee while Mark made them some food and drink for breakfast. Sebastian tried to resist shooing them off too vehemently as he wanted them to like the baby, but as they nosed in closer he shook his head.

“Go on, you've got food.”

Mark turned around and looked firmly at the animals before pointing back at the corner. There was a short stand-off, then the dogs slunk back to their baskets wondering what they had done to be so out of favour. Mark brought over tea and toast to the table, offering to take the baby while Sebastian ate, but Seb shook his head and shifted the baby to lie into his chest, holding his head carefully until he felt secure enough to let go as the baby lay balanced into him so Seb could try eating and drinking with just his left hand. He knew they could bring the crib downstairs or get the baby-carrier, but Sebastian felt it was important to hold the baby as much as possible. He needed to feel safe and cared for, to get used to the idea that his parents were holding him and that he could rely on them.

  
  


It was nearly nine am before they went through to the lounge, merely dumping the plates and mugs at the sink thinking they could deal with them later. Rachel wasn't due until eleven and they thought that they might have pulled themselves together enough to get a little more organised by then. For now all they wanted to do was sit on the sofa. Mark shifted the baby to hold him on the other side so his arm didn't go dead and Seb leaned in to look as the baby looked right back up at him.

“He's all awake now,” he observed.

“Yeah more awake than me I think.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah me too.”

“We'll have to get him some outdoor gear,” noted Mark. “Buy him a little snow-suit and pram so we can go out and get some fresh air.”

“You don't think he'll be too cold?”

“Well not if we wrap him up properly.”

“I guess.”

“Be a while before we sort that anyway.”

“Yeah okay. Oh and one of those carriers, you know like a papoose.”

Mark huffed a laugh and put his finger so the baby could clasp it.

“You like that idea fella? Hmm?”

“We should actually make a list,” proposed Seb.

“Yeah sure. A papoose would be good, then we can go out on the footpaths to walk the dogs with him.”

“Hmm. What should we do about that?”

“The dogs? Ah they can run around the garden, they'll be fine for a couple of days,” Mark assured. “We'll get ourselves sorted for next week maybe.”

“Yeah okay. Perhaps we should ask the midwife when we can take him out when she comes,” suggested Seb.

“Sure. We can always take it in turns otherwise.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Might be a he you know,” smiled Mark.

“Huh?”

“The midwife. I wonder what they call them then? Midhusband?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Dunno. Bet it's not though.”

“Not a bloke? No I'd imagine they're pretty rare.”

“Do you think she'll think it's strange us being parents?”

Mark shook his head.

“No I'm sure she won't. All she'll care about is this little guy.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“We can't worry about what people are gonna think sweetheart. Our family and friends support us.”

“They don't know yet,” pointed out Seb.

“Hm?”

“Our friends. We should tell them.”

“Ah, yeah well one step at a time.”

“Sure. Oh I do need to call Christian though. I'm meant to be in a meeting at the factory tomorrow afternoon.”

“You could go if you want,” offered Mark. “I'd be alright on my own for a few hours.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Unless he insists, I'd rather be here.”

“Okay.”

“Just to begin with. I suppose I'll need to go in next week sometime instead.”

“Sure, well do you want to call him then?”

“Guess I'd better.”

  
  


Sebastian stood and went to retrieve his phone from upstairs. He sat on the bed, not wanting to disturb them in the lounge. He rang Christian's office, presuming he'd be in already and wasn't disappointed.

“Hello Christian?”

“Hello is that Seb?”

“Yeah hi, sorry to ring so early.”

Christian huffed a laugh.

“I've been in nearly an hour already.”

“Ah. Double sorry then.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Um, yeah kindof, well actually good, really good, but I've got a bit of an issue with tomorrow,” explained Sebastian.

“Oh?”

“Yeah sorry. I hate to give you a problem, but I don't think I can make it.”

“Ah.”

“Unless it's gonna cause massive issues? I'm sorry Christian it's just, well...” Sebastian found himself smiling. “Something's happened.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah fine. Never better, just, well you won't believe it but we've had a big surprise, only yesterday in fact, but we got a call to the hospital and...” Sebastian paused, hit by a sudden wash of emotion as he got to say it, “we got a match, a baby, we've got a baby.”

Christian's eyebrows shot up.

“A baby? To adopt you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my gosh. Wow, that's great news Sebi. Goodness, so you need to sort that out then? Of course you do. What news. So will you need to be going back to the hospital?”

“Ah, well actually he's with us already. We brought him home yesterday.”

Christian gasped down the line.

“You brought him home already?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian found himself beaming. “There was no family so they needed someone right away so we got to bring him straight home. Mark's got him downstairs right now.”

“Goodness me, that's fast.”

“Yeah, good though.”

“Of course it's good, my word, well of course, yes Seb don't worry about the meeting, I'll sort it out, try to see if we can't rearrange it.”

“I'm sorry to cause you problems, but obviously we had no warning.”

“No of course not. No, well it's mostly engineering at the meeting, they're here anyway and well, hmm. I'll ring Dan. Do you mind me saying why to him?”

“Oh umm...”

“I tell you what why don't I just say it's a family matter for now?” offered Christian reading his reticence.

“Would you mind? Sorry, just we're still trying to get our heads around it and I don't think we're up to the whole world knowing just yet, especially if it got to the papers.”

“Of course. No that's fine. Would you object to me speaking to Britta? Then she could start thinking about what you want to do with that.”

“Um, yeah okay.”

“She won't say anything to anyone Seb.”

“No I know. Sorry. My brain's a bit asleep, sorry.”

Christian smiled.

“Been keeping you up has he?”

“Sort of. We've got to feed him through the night. He was a bit premature and he's so small Christian you wouldn't believe. He looks like a little doll.”

“He's alright though?”

“Yeah he's fine, just small and needs a lot of looking after.”

“Of course. Right well why don't I see what's what and get back to you? Don't worry about tomorrow either way, but do you think maybe you might be able to get in some time next week?”

“Um I think so. Maybe later in the week? Sorry to be a pain.”

“Not at all. You know you're actually entitled to paternity leave Seb.”

“Mark's the one taking time off.”

“No I know, but you get a fortnight on top of that. I checked a while back to see.”

“Oh. Oh well umm, I think it'll be okay if it's just a few hours later next week. We just need to get ourselves a bit more organised. It's all happened so fast.”

“Sounds like it,” agreed Christian. “Well I'll see what we can re-arrange and text you, then you can get back to me when you get chance.”

“Thanks. Oh and you won't mention it to anyone?”

“Not if you don't want me to. Just Britta.”

“Sure. Thanks. Sorry, it's just Mark has to speak to Porsche yet and well, we just need to be a bit careful.”

“Of course. Don't worry Seb.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate it and I'm sorry to let you down about tomorrow. Will you apologise to people for me?”

“You don't need to apologise Seb, it's fine. There are more important things in life than meetings.”

“Yeah guess so,” agreed Seb, thinking that had never been more true. “Thanks for being so understanding.”

“Of course. Oh and congratulations. I haven't even said. You must be thrilled.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah we are. A bit stunned, but yeah, very happy.”

“Alright well give my best to Mark and I'll be in touch. Don't worry about work, just get back to me when you can.”

“Thank you.”  
  


  
  


Sebastian let out a relieved breath. Feeling as though he'd been away too long he decided he'd just send Britta a text and apologise saying he'd speak to her soon, then went back downstairs to let Mark know it was all fine.

“Course it's fine sweetheart,” Mark assured him, “he'd be pretty heartless to be difficult about it.”

“Hmm I guess. It'll be alright to do a couple of hours next week do you think?”

“Course.”

“Okay. What about Porsche?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I dunno. I need to build myself up and ring Andreas.”

“Will it be okay?”

“Yeah. It'll just be a bit awkward. It's okay, he knows the score. It's not like they'll struggle to fill the seat for a year.”

“And you're really okay doing this? Taking a year out?” checked Seb.

“Yeah. It's what we agreed.”

“I know but it's different when it's real.”

“Mm, well I'm not saying it won't be a bit weird not racing, but it'll be fine. I'm kindof looking forwards to getting lots of time with this little guy.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Me too. I'll talk to Christian again when he's sorted the meeting, make sure I'm not in too much pre-season.”

“Sure. Well we'll work it out. I reckon we're in a much better situation than many folk.”

“Yeah.”

 

There was a noise and both of them swung around where they sat on the sofa trying to work out what it was. The dogs were shut in the kitchen again so it couldn't be that. Mark's mouth fell open as he realised it was the front door opening and shutting as someone let themselves in.

“Pauline!”

“Oh my god,” gasped Seb. “I forgot, she's back.”

“Quick, you take him,” rushed Mark, passing over the baby so he could hurry into the hallway to meet her before Pauline walked in and got the shock of her life.

 

Pauline looked up from where she was wiping her shoes on the doormat and putting down her bag in the hallway as she pulled her winter coat off.

“Oh hello Mark dear. Isn't it cold out?”

“Pauline, we didn't realise you were back.”

“Yes I thought I said. I was just out there for a week this year, Tom and Ida had to get back to work.”

“Right, yeah, we forgot.”

“Everything alright? Is it a bad time?” frowned Pauline.

“Um, no not exactly.” Mark let out a little laugh and shook his head. “Oh Pauline, blimey, we've got a bit of a surprise for you.”

“Oh?”

Mark leaned in and gave her a hug, already surprising Pauline as she stood back and looked up at him, then heard a little noise and looked to the lounge.

“What's that?”

Mark smiled.

“That would be the surprise. A pretty big surprise for us too. Ah Pauline, you won't believe it.”

Pauline was frowning even more and Mark knew he had to explain before she went to investigate for herself.

 

Sat in the lounge Sebastian heard the gasp from the hallway through the closed door. Moments later it opened and Pauline stood there, her hand on her heart as she took in the sight of Sebastian sat holding a tiny baby. She gasped again and shook her head as she looked on, turned to Mark, then back to Seb.

“Oh boys, boys. I think I'm going to cry.”

Sebastian smiled and looked to Mark.

“You did tell her before you came in right?”

“Tsk, yes I'm not that bad,” assured Mark, though he had only got as far as saying they'd had a surprise call from the hospital and brought the baby home yesterday before Pauline was off wanting to see for herself.

Pauline took a calming breath before stepping in closer. She came and perched on the coffee table in front of Seb so she could get a proper look.

“Oh he's darling. He's so small,” she sighed.

“Yeah. He was a few weeks premature,” explained Seb, “but he's okay.”

Pauline nodded, not taking her eyes from the baby.

“What blue eyes.”

Mark had come to sit on the arm of the sofa beside them.

“Yeah that's what I said,” he agreed.

“He's beautiful. Oh boys I can't believe it. This is wonderful. And just like that, no warning?”

“Nope we just got the call from Rachel and rushed in to the hospital yesterday,” explained Mark.

Pauline nodded again.

“And they let you take him home?”

“He needed looking after.”

“Of course he did, yes...” Pauline lifted her gaze to look at Mark. “So um, there's no... I mean no one was looking after him?”

“Just the nurses, and well doctors too, but no family.”

“His mother died when he was born,” expanded Sebastian in little more than a whisper, as if he didn't want the baby to hear.

“Oh,” sighed Pauline.

She reached out and put her hand on Seb's arm where he held around the baby.

“Oh Seb,” she repeated, looking as though she might well cry now.

Mark shook his head.

“Don't get him started.”

Seb sent Mark a look and Pauline shook her head.

“Poor little mite. Oh dear. Thank heavens they called you.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

“Do you want a hold?” offered Sebastian.

Pauline sat up.

“Oh can I?”

“Of course. Sit here.”

Sebastian indicated the spot on the sofa next to him and Pauline moved to sit there, holding out her arms to take the baby. As soon as she had him she sighed again.

“Oh tiny, tiny little thing. How early was he?”

“Just three weeks, so it's not too bad. The doctor said he's doing really well.”

“Good and how much did he weigh?”

Mark huffed a little laugh at her wanting all the details just as their mothers had.

“Six pound four.”

Pauline nodded.

“He was born just after midnight on New Year's Eve,” explained Seb.

“Oh,” sighed Pauline, looking back down at the baby. “How lovely, but oh dear, so sad at the same time. His poor mother.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb quietly.

Pauline shook her head.

“And no family at all?”

“No, there's no family.”

“We're his family,” stated Mark firmly.

Pauline looked to him.

“Of course you are. I know you'll be wonderful parents.” She smiled down at the baby. “Aren't you lucky chick? You've come to the most lovely family. I know they'll just love you to bits.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark who gave his shoulder a little squeeze and smiled back at him. Sebastian turned back and reached across and touched the baby's arm to get his attention.

“This is your Auntie Pauline.”

Pauline smiled at him.

“I get an official title?”

“Course you do.”

Pauline smiled ever more widely, glancing to the baby then looking at them.

“What are your official titles then?” she enquired, presuming that it couldn't be the same without causing a lot of confusion.

“Papa,” stated Seb, “and Daddy,” he added with a nod towards Mark.

Pauline looked as if she might cry again at that and Seb thought he ought to make things clear so she understood the situation.

“I mean technically we're fostering for now until all the adoption paperwork goes through.”

“It will though,” assured Mark. “We'll make sure of it.”

“Of course it will,” joined in Pauline.

“It's just the process.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb a little more quietly.

Mark rubbed over his shoulder, knowing that Seb was going to worry until the final adoption was ratified.

“Actually we've got Rachel coming over later,” he added.

“Oh have you? Well should I go or, well, what can I do to help?” asked Pauline.

“She's not due till eleven,” stated Seb.

“Ah well that's alright then.”

“To be honest Pauline we forgot you were coming over.”

“I think we even forgot it was Thursday,” Mark admitted.

“I'm not surprised. Well what can I do? I don't suppose you want the hoover going?”

“Oh um, the kitchen's a bit of a tip, sorry we just haven't had time.”

“I'll start there then.”

“You don't have to, not today,” offered Seb.

“Nonsense, you need me more than ever don't you?”

Mark smiled.

“Now that's certainly true. I tell you what would be a help, would you mind taking the dogs for a walk?”

“Of course.”

“It's just we haven't got him any outdoor gear yet.”

“And we're not sure he should go out yet anyway,” added Seb.

“It is cold,” agreed Pauline. “No you stay here and look after him and I'll give the kitchen a good go, have a little tidy round, then take the dogs out.”

“That's very good of you.”

“Don't be silly. Now what else can I do? Do you need me to go to the shops for you?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You should see how much I bought yesterday. No we're good thanks.”

“Well just if you think of anything.”

“Thank you. Oh and don't even go in the nursery, it's a bomb-site.”

Pauline beamed at hearing Mark speak of a nursery.

“We just put all the stuff in there, well Mark did,” explained Seb, “and we've got the crib in our room.”

Pauline nodded, then sighed again as she looked down at the baby.

“Oh gosh, I've not even asked, does he have a name yet?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Point of contention.”

“Oh?”

“Well he's Theo, except Seb reckons not so much.”

“Hm?” frowned Pauline.

“In German it's Teo,” explained Sebastian.

“Oh I see. Well, I'm sure you'll come to a conclusion,” Pauline offered diplomatically.

 

She let out a long breath, then turned to them.

“Well I should get to work shouldn't I?”

“You don't need to rush,” offered Sebastian.

“Oh I know what you could do,” realised Mark.

“What's that dear?” Pauline asked.

“Could you take a few pictures? Our families keep asking for one of us all together.”

Pauline smiled.

“Of course. Right, you sit here.”

 

She passed the baby back to Seb, then stood so Mark could sit beside Sebastian, handing her his phone with the camera set up already, then fitting his arm around Seb and they both smiled down at the baby while Pauline snapped away, then looked up as Seb tried to lift the baby at an angle so he would be in the picture properly, Mark's other arm around him too. Pauline took a couple more pictures, then checked they had taken alright. She smiled and shook her head at the photograph she was looking at.

“You look lovely,” she praised. “You should get some of these printed up.”

Mark looked up at her.

“Yeah we should get on that.”

“Would you like one?” offered Sebastian.

“That would be lovely, thank you,” beamed Pauline.

“Have a sit down then.”

“Oh I meant one of you with him.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I think we can stretch to both. Come on.”

 

Pauline took Mark's spot again and happily accepted another hold of the baby while Mark took a few pictures thinking he'd never seen her looking so pleased.

“Right, cup of tea?” he offered once he'd got a couple of decent shots.

“No I should get on, get you sorted out and then take the dogs out for their walk.”

“That's really a big help Pauline,” approved Mark. “We were just going to have to let them have runs in the garden for a while.”

“Well, why don't I come by each day and take them out? I can give you a hand keeping on top of things as well.”

“Oh Pauline we can't ask that of you,” stopped Seb.

“Nonsense. I want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. I'll get to see this little one won't I?”

“You can have lots of holds.”

Pauline laughed.

“Reward enough.”

“We'll pay you though.”

“Well let's not worry about that. Are your families coming over?”

“Um at some point. We've not arranged anything yet.”

Pauline nodded.

“Okay, well you just let me know and I'll make sure the spare rooms are ready.”

“Oh Pauline, you really are an angel,” praised Seb.

“I think this one's the angel,” countered Pauline. “He's so good isn't he?”

“Yeah he's very quiet yet. He cried a bit this morning, but we think he might just be a bit small.”

Pauline handed him back to Seb and touched the baby's little cheek.

“Using all your strength for growing aren't you chick?” Pauline looked up to Mark and Seb. “Is he feeding okay?”

“Yeah he's doing good,” assured Mark. “Actually he's due another feed soon so you could give us a hand if you like?”

Pauline smiled, clearly thinking that sounded like a treat.

“Right, I need to get on then,” she decided.

“Oh um, I should at least tidy,” tried Mark.

“No. You stay here.”

Pauline stood up and pointed to the spot on the sofa she had just vacated and Mark obediently sat in the empty space beside Sebastian. As she got to the door Pauline looked back and shook her head again at the sight of the pair of them leaning in over the baby, smiling down at him. She closed the door quietly and went into the kitchen wiping away an escaping tear with the heel of her hand before puffing a breath and setting to work.

  
  


An hour and a half later Pauline was out taking the dogs for their walk while Mark and Sebastian sat in the kitchen drinking tea with Rachel. Once she had checked that they were coping okay and that the baby was well and happy she moved on to go through arrangements again and Sebastian and Mark agreed to the midwife visiting the following morning and she would pop around with the paperwork she was going to send off to make the first moves in the adoption process.

“Though I should say we're in the interim period now where you're not fully committed.”

“We are committed though,” stated Seb.

Rachel gave him a smile.

“No I know. It's just I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't tell you that you can change your mind at this stage.”

Mark shook his head where he sat beside Sebastian who was holding the baby.

“We're not going to change our mind are we sweetheart?”

“No,” confirmed Seb. “Rachel we get it, we understand how this works and I guess some people might be uncertain and that's why you give them a chance to back out, but that's not us. We know this is right don't we Liebling?”

“We do,” confirmed Mark. “I think we knew the minute we saw him didn't we? The moment we held him in our arms. It just... I don't think I can really explain, but we both knew. Some things are meant to be and this is just one of them. He's ours and we're his.”

Rachel nodded and held up a hand.

“Okay, well that's great, but if you need to talk to me about anything, any issues you might have, any help you need, or anything at all, I'm going to be here and I won't consider it any kind of failure or a problem if you ask, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Mark. “I think what we really need is just help with the process and anything else we need to do for him. I mean should we sign him up with our GP yet, that sort of thing?”

“Ah okay, well yes, we can have a chat with the midwife tomorrow, she can help,” Rachel advised.

“Yeah we've got some questions for her,” added in Seb. “Like if it's too cold to take him outside and about his feeds and stuff.”

“Right well unless it's anything urgent I'm sure she'll be able to answer that.”

“No it's not urgent. We're just keeping him nice and warm.”

“Good.”

“And he's having his bottles, but maybe not totally finishing them.”

“I'm sure he's fine,” assured Rachel, “but she's the expert, not me.”

“She's okay to come to the house?”

“Yes that's what they do after the birth normally. She'll do a few visits until you're all settled.”

“Oh okay.”

“Anything else you wanted to ask?”

Sebastian looked to Mark who gave a little shake of his head.

“I don't think so. I think we'll have lots for her.”

“Right well that's the idea,” assured Rachel. She glanced over to the empty dog baskets. “Where are your dogs?”

“Oh Pauline took them out for a walk.”

“Ah right.”

“We're not letting them get too close to him,” assured Sebastian. “And we'd never leave him alone with them.”

“I know you wouldn't, that's okay.”

“They're really very gentle,” asserted Mark, “but we're just being extra-cautious.”

“Well that sounds wise,” Rachel agreed. “Okay, if that's it I'll head back. I'm very glad to see you doing so well.”

“Thanks.”

Rachel stood and Mark went with her to show her out.

“So I'll see you tomorrow morning then,” parted Rachel.

“Yep.”

“And you've got my number.”

“We do. Thanks for all your help.”

“Not all, well till tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

Mark shut the door and puffed a breath thinking it didn't seem to stop. It might be unfair to them, but he was glad they were holding off having their families visit just yet.

 

  
  


 

  
  


By early afternoon it finally started to feel as though they were catching up on themselves. After just about succeeding in getting some lunch for themselves seeing as the baby had cried for yet another feed, Mark fetched his laptop and they sat in the lounge working their way through the long list of things they had already realised they needed to buy. Once they had done that Mark found the website he had bought the rocking chair from and they sat perusing all the nursery furniture available. After a few minutes of discussing which items they needed and what would look nice together Mark huffed a little laugh and shook his head.

“What?” frowned Seb.

Mark smiled and shook his head again.

“Nothing, just this is not a conversation I could have imagined having once apon a time.”

He looked down at the now peaceful baby nestled into the crook of his arm and smiled again.

“Then again I couldn't have imagined a feeling like this.”

“Like what?” pressed Seb.

Mark puffed a little breath trying to think how to put it into words.

“Dunno; knackered mixed with mild terror and being happier than I'd have thought possible to feel that.”

Sebastian let out a little laugh.

“I'm not sure I'd put it that way.”

“No well I'm sure there's a better way to put it. Anyway, just nice, it's a nice feeling holding him like this.”

“He looks content doesn't he?” observed Sebastian as he looked down at the sleeping baby.

“Yeah.”

Mark puffed a breath and looked back to the laptop on the coffee table.

“So shall we have a little think and maybe decide tomorrow on this stuff?”

“Sure.”

“We can sleep on it, or not as the case may be,” joked Mark.

 

Sebastian shook his head at the joke and stretched forward to flip the screen down to switch it off. Unfortunately the movement seemed to disturb the baby and he woke, beginning wriggling about and scrunching his little face up. As Mark tried to settle him back down Sebastian leaned over, trying to get the baby to look at him.

“Hey hey Liebling, don't cry. I'm sorry.”

He tried stroking the baby's cheek to see if that would soothe him but he only started crying, that strange newborn cry that almost sounded like mewling. Seb looked apologetically to Mark but he just shook his head and lifted the baby to hold against his chest, keeping one hand holding the baby's head as they both looked to see what might be the matter.

“Maybe he's hungry?” posited Mark.

“We only fed him an hour ago.”

“Well if he's hungry, he's hungry.”

Sebastian frowned and tried stroking over the baby's back to see if that helped. The baby wouldn't seem to settle though so Seb paused then dipped around and sniffed at his behind, pulling immediately away.

“Oh okay, wow, yeah, worked out what the problem is,” he announced.

“Nappy?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian got up to start sorting out the changing things that were left on the floor over to the side from the last time. Mark brought the baby over and laid him on his back, giving his chest a gentle rub as he writhed about unhappily.

“Alright darling, alright, soon sort you out,” Mark promised.

He quickly undressed the baby's lower half and Seb started undoing the nappy while the baby waggled his legs unhelpfully. As Sebastian properly undid the nappy the pair of them stopped and recoiled away.

“Oh my god,” grimaced Mark.

Sebastian pulled a face as they tried not to smell the dirty nappy.

“Oof, no wonder he was crying.”

“Blimey Seb, have you been feeding him curry while I wasn't looking?”

Seb peered at the contents for a moment.

“Is that normal?”

Mark shrugged.

“God knows. We'll have to ask the midwife. Maybe we can save it for her to inspect?”

Sebastian tsk'd at him joking and shook his head as he pulled the nappy out from under the baby, rolling it neatly up whilst attempting not to be disgusted by its contents. Between them they worked at trying to clean the baby up while he continued to cry and move away, then improved matters even more by peeing even while they were changing him, leaving Seb and Mark trying to hold on to him and dodge being peed on at the same time. While they were attempting to clean and dry him and the baby-mat, the baby wailed and wriggled uncomfortably.

“No no, come on, be a good boy,” encouraged Mark. “You don't want to be all dirty.”

“You'll feel better in a minute Liebling,” soothed Seb.

 

After struggling to sort the baby properly out Seb went to re-button his babygro, then stopped.

“Ah damn, it's gone on it.”

“Hm.”

Sebastian sighed and started pulling the entire babygro off, then the short little under-babygro. Mark was busy cleaning his hands on another wipe before getting the baby blanket and wrapping him up just in that.

“I'll take him up find him some clean clothes,” offered Seb.

The baby was still crying so he stood and took the baby from Mark.

“Okay, you alright with him?” Mark checked.

“Yep.”

While Mark began putting all the things they needed to throw away into the little plastic bags they were using, Sebastian started for the door. Mark stood with him, then paused.

“You know what, if you're taking him up I might take a moment and call Andreas.”

Seb looked from trying to soothe the baby to Mark.

“Oh?”

“Yeah I'm just... I think the longer I put it off the more I'll worry,” Mark admitted.

“Is it going to be okay?”

“Yeah I'm sure it will. I just need to get on it. If you're alright?”

“Course. Okay, well we'll be upstairs a bit then,” offered Sebastian, thinking a crying baby wasn't the best background to an important phone-call.

“Okay.”

Mark took in a deep breath and Seb stepped back over to him, reaching slightly to give Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“It'll be fine Liebling. You've already spoken to him about this.”

“Yeah. In principle.”

“It'll be fine.”

“Yeah. Yeah you take him up, don't let him get cold.”

“Okay.”

  
  


Mark stood still for a moment, hearing the dissipating noise of the baby crying as Sebastian took him upstairs. Then he looked down at the less than pleasant little bag in his hand and went through to the kitchen to go out via the back door to deposit it, then came back inside and lobbed the dirty baby clothes into the washer. He washed his hands before spending a couple of minutes with the dogs to build himself up, then he steeled himself to go into the lounge and call his boss. Mark sat down on the sofa looking at his phone. He puffed out a long breath knowing he just had to do it. He hadn't wanted to worry Seb, but it did concern him how Porsche were going to react. Nothing was going to change by him putting it off though, he'd only build the worry up more in his head. Mark knew he had to bite the bullet. He pressed dial and pushed another calming breath out as the mobile phone rang out at the other end.

 

“Mark, hello, happy New Year,” greeted his boss pleasantly.

“Hi Andreas, yes same to you, sorry to bother you.”

“No that's okay. Everything alright?”

“Um, yeah kind of, well yeah good. Sorry mate we've had a couple of crazy days.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, um are you at home or work?”

“Work. I'm just in my office.”

“Ah, okay. Umm, right. Okay mate, well I need to have a chat if you're free?”

“I am at your disposal Mark. How can I help?”

Mark let out an unexpected little laugh.

“Ah blimey mate this is a big one. Okay, well you might remember we spoke about the possibility of me taking a year out if and when Seb and I adopt?”

“Oh. Right, yes of course. Has something happened on that front?”

“Yeah you could say so.”

 

Mark took a deep breath and explained to his boss what the situation was.

“Ah, I see,” noted Andreas, his voice calm as ever. “Well congratulations.”

“Thanks,” smiled Mark. “Yeah it's great obviously, but rather out of the blue.”

“It sounds like it.”

“So the thing is mate I need to sort out what I'm doing.”

“Of course. So you want to take a year out.”

“Yes. I still want to race again. I want to come back, but my family has to come first.”

“I see, yes.”

“I'm still committed to Porsche. I know that might sound odd when I'm telling you I want to take time off.”

“No no Mark I understand.”

“It's just, this has to come first. You know once I'd never have thought anything would come ahead of racing, but our world's just changed literally overnight. Honestly mate if you saw how tiny the little guy is...”

“He's alright though? The baby?”

“Yeah mate he's doing good, but he's a really little nipper and he needs a lot of looking after. And that's... well, that's what I've got to do.”

“Of course. I understand Mark. So, very well, I will have to speak to our HR people.”

“You spoke to them before though, right?”

“Yes but to arrange the particulars and then I will need to speak to the board.”

Mark couldn't hide the sigh he let out and Andreas knew he was worrying.

“Mark it will be fine. We will however need to plan what we are doing.”

“Yeah. Okay, look Andreas I do want to come back.”

“I understand Mark, you are under contract. I will make that clear. That is why I shall speak to HR again first, then I will go in entirely briefed on our legal responsibilities. They cannot argue with that and in truth Mark I do not believe they will. They are concerned with results. We will decide on a temporary third driver and make our plans accordingly.”

“Okay. So um, it's paternity leave I'd be taking,” Mark reminded him.

“Yes I understand. I think when we have made our plans we will need to make an announcement of some kind, but I don't think there is any urgency since we are so far out from the start of the season.”

“Right, yeah we've really only told our families so far. Seb's spoken to Christian but it's not gone any further.”

“I see. Okay well perhaps it might be worthwhile co-ordinating with them if we are to release a statement of some kind?”

“Yeah it's Britta who tends to deal with that for Seb,” explained Mark. “I think someone at the team is likely to have spoken to her before.”

“Yes I expect so. Well it looks as though I have quite a few things to sort out.”

“Yeah, listen I'm sorry for causing a problem for you.”

“Life happens Mark,” assured Andreas. “You are right, there are more important things in life than racing. Family should come first.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“And you are happy, you and Sebastian?”

“Yeah mate, never better, knackered, but very happy. We've wanted this for a long time.”

“I'm sure. Very good then, well thank you for contacting me so quickly. I will start to make arrangements and then be in touch.”

“Great, thanks.”

“I suppose really it is very good timing, being out of season,” mused Andreas.

“Yeah we got lucky.”

“Indeed, well please give my best wishes to Sebastian.”

“I will mate, thanks. So you'll be in touch?”

“I will.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“You do not need to worry about this Mark. Your position is not under threat for taking leave. You are entitled to take it and we as a team will just find a way to work around it.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“You will not be the first person to take family leave from the company Mark, the HR team will be familiar with the process. We'll get that all sorted out.”

“Probably the first driver I'm guessing.”

“I think there you may be right. Ah well, there is a first for everything.”

“There might be a bit of press attention.”

“For which we pay our PR team. We will deal with it as it comes. For now I think you have other priorities, yes?”

“Yeah mate, on which note I probably should go. Seb's taken the baby upstairs so I should check how they're getting on.”

“Very good, well I will be in touch.”

“Thanks Andreas. Really, I massively appreciate your support on this.”

“Of course. Goodbye for now.”

“Bye mate, thanks.”

 

Mark disconnected the call and puffed out the longest breath as he slumped back against the sofa. He set his head back and took a couple of minutes to re-set himself. Mark didn't much fancy the board discussing his taking paternity leave for a year, but at least he had Andreas on his side and Porsche legally couldn't do anything to him. Things could still be tricky, but at least he was in a fairly decent position of strength. He was glad he'd made the call. Mark sat up and shook it off. The laptop needed putting away, there was an empty bottle next to it on the coffee table. He needed to tidy up, then go find Seb and the baby upstairs who had made themselves scarce for him. His family. God he had a family. Who'd ever have thought it? Five years ago this would have been unimaginable and now... Andreas was right, there was nothing more important. Porsche could do whatever they chose to, Mark wasn't going to regret this.

  
  


  
  


Mark took the chance to use the bathroom, then stuck his head into the nursery thinking how much he wanted to get it sorted out. They'd have to get on and order things up tomorrow so they could make it nice and at least get it all organised even if the baby was going to be sleeping in their room for a while. At least they'd have a proper place to change him then. The bedroom floor wasn't exactly ideal and if he was going to present them with stinkers like he had earlier Mark thought a separate space would be a much better idea, especially when they couldn't even open a window for fear of the baby getting cold.

He puffed a breath and leant away from the doorframe where he stood to go into the bedroom where he presumed Seb was. Mark only got as far as opening the door when he stopped and smiled as he looked over, then let out a little laugh.

“What are you doing?”

Seb looked up from gazing at the baby.

“I couldn't get him to stop crying so I thought I'd try it. Shut the door, you're letting a draft in.”

“My bad, sorry.”

Mark shut the door and came to sit on the edge of the bed by them. Sebastian sat half propped up in bed, his t-shirt and hoody off and the baby held against his bare chest. There was a blanket covering the baby and Sebastian had the duvet pulled up to partly over him as well. Mark peered in and lifted the blanket covering the baby just a fraction to look.

“Did you not get him dressed?”

“No it's in the books. It's supposed to help you bond. You have to hold him skin-to-skin.”

“He has got a nappy on right?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Yes of course and no, before you say anything, I just took my top off, I've not stripped off altogether.”

“Well I didn't think you would,” agreed Mark, thinking of Seb's opinion on pyjamas around the baby.

“It's meant to help them feel attached.”

“Literally.”

Mark smiled and shook his head and Seb pouted back at the tease he saw him Mark's eyes.

“He quietened down right away,” argued Sebastian. “And in the books they say it's cos they can smell you properly and they like the feeling of lying with you so they sort of absorb the nice safe feeling.”

Mark looked at the now contented baby, his little cheek squashed into Sebastian's chest.

“I suppose he does look pretty happy,” he conceded.

“I made sure he's not cold.”

“Of course.”

“It's to help you bonding together,” repeated Seb.

“Yeah, I think that's kind of meant for mothers who are breast-feeding and that.”

“Well he doesn't have a mother. He has us.”

“True.”

Sebastian looked down at the baby and then back at Mark.

“Is it stupid?”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling it's very sweet. Does it feel nice?”

“Well it felt a bit weird at first, but yeah it does feel nice. You can really feel him breathing and you just sort of sense that he's really okay.”

Mark nodded.

“Fair enough then.”

 

He got up and Seb frowned again, wondering where he was going. Mark went around to the other side of the bed, then pulled his top off and started climbing in beside them.

“What are you doing?” asked Seb.

Mark smiled.

“Bonding.”

He shifted up next to Seb and arranged more pillows on his side of the bed, then leaned in to kiss Seb before leaning further over to plant the gentlest of kisses on the baby's exposed cheek. Sebastian smiled and they carefully re-arranged themselves so Seb held the baby to the side where Mark was while Mark slipped his arm around Sebastian so he could lean into him. The baby still rested peacefully into his chest as Seb put his head down on Mark's shoulder and Mark put his other arm to fit over where Sebastian held the baby so they were all cuddled up together. It did feel nice to be so close and Mark smiled and kissed Seb's temple.

“You're right,” he commented softly so as not to disturb the baby.

“Hmm?”

“This does feel good. Remind me to shut up when I'm talking rubbish sweetheart.”

 

Sebastian tipped his head slightly up to look at him.

“How did the call with Andreas go?”

“Yeah alright. He's a decent bloke.”

“So he said it was all okay?”

“Yeah, bit of sorting out to do but he was very supportive.”

“Oh good.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh and Mark gave him a little squeeze.

“It'll all be fine darling. Don't worry about it. It's just sorting out the details. None of that is really important. This is what's important. Right now Porsche could fire me and I wouldn't give a...” He looked at the baby and smiled as he adjusted the phrase appropriately, “monkey's, what they did. It doesn't matter. This matters. You, Theo, this is what matters.”

“Teo.”

Mark huffed a laugh and rolled his eyes.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed and rested his head more against Mark thinking how he had missed being this close with him too.

“I don't really know which sounds right to be honest Liebling,” Seb admitted.

“No well. Maybe we'll let him decide?”

Seb huffed a little laugh and looked down at the sleeping baby.

“Which are you, hmm? Theo or Teo, or something else?”

“I don't think he cares darling. Do you buddy?”

Mark touched the baby's little cheek then smiled at Seb.

“He says he's not fussed.”

Sebastian shook his head but he didn't mind Mark teasing. They'd work it out. He continued to gaze at the sleeping baby for a while, making sure that he was lying right so he could breathe properly and was sufficiently covered up. It was a nice feeling. Even with his upper body undressed he felt so warm and cosy like this, Mark's arm around him, leaning slightly into his chest just as the baby lay into Seb's. All of them safe, all of them at peace. Sebastian relaxed and closed his eyes for a moment.  
  


Mark angled his head around to check and saw that, yes, Seb was just as fast asleep as the baby was. He could feel both of them steadily breathing in and out. There was something incredibly calming about the sensation. Mark was tired too and the temptation to let himself drop off too like this was strong, but he knew he couldn't. He had to keep watch to be sure his loved ones were safe, be sure the baby was properly warm and he didn't snuffle in too close to Seb and potentially block his airways. Mark took a deep breath and raised his hand again to place it gently by the baby's head and stroked over his little cheek with his thumb wondering how anything could be so soft. The baby made a quiet little noise and Mark moved his hand back to smooth over the blanket before pulling the duvet a fraction higher to make sure he was nice and warm.

Nothing felt like this. Nothing had ever felt more important. Not winning Le Mans, not winning the championship, not winning the Monaco Grand Prix or anything else in F1. Mark felt this deep in his soul; This was what was important, taking care of his family, protecting them, loving them, being with them like this. Porsche could do what they liked, right now Mark didn't care. They didn't matter. Nothing else mattered. Only this.  
  


  
  


 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not likely to be a lot of big action for a while in this seeing as they have quite enough on their hands. I'll try to whizz through chapters because I don't want to skip ahead, so keep your eyes peeled for updates.


	196. Special dates and little surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, more fluff. Well, tis the season.

 

The next day they woke early in the morning again to give the baby his first feed of the day lying propped up on the bed still feeling half-asleep after another night interrupted by repeatedly taking their turn going down to the kitchen to make a bottle to bring up while the other tried pacifying the baby until he had the milk he needed to satisfy him. It took a while to wake their brains up for the new day, but after a spell of staying piled in bed together the baby started wailing and changing another nappy was enough to shake their senses, so once they had sorted him out they took turns to shower and get dressed and go down to properly start their day.

After managing some breakfast they went through to the lounge anticipating Pauline arriving shortly. Seb looked around the room from where he sat next to Mark who was currently holding the baby. He pouted and sighed.

“It looks all sad without the decorations up,” he complained.

Mark huffed a little laugh and shook his head.

“You're the one who insisted we take them down last night.”

“I know, Twelfth Night and that, but... yeah I guess.”

“Don't want any bad luck do we darling?” teased Mark.

Sebastian gave him a reluctant smile seeing as that had been his argument yesterday.

“No.”

 

He took in a deep breath thinking about how they had spent an hour the night before taking everything down, taking it in turns to do some work before finally giving in and putting the baby to sit strapped in his carrier for a few minutes while the pair of them tackled the Christmas tree together, Mark lugging it outside on his own, trying not to shed pine needles all over the hall floor while Seb fussed over the baby in the lounge, oblivious to Mark struggling to dump the tree out by the garage. Before they'd taken the tree down though Seb had stood holding the baby next to it, watching the way his eyes lit up at the shiny decorations and how he pawed out in their direction. He'd been almost tempted to leave it up, but they had to move on. There was something more exciting in their lives now.

“Why don't we send our folks some of the pictures?” suggested Mark to cheer him up.

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian picked up Mark's phone from the coffee table and they spent a couple of minutes looking through the pictures they had taken already, mostly of one or the other holding the baby, either smiling to camera or down at the baby in their arms. They were glad Pauline had got a few of them both with him so they were recorded as a proper family all together. Even looking at the evidence it was still hard to believe it was real. Seb swiped to the latest photographs they had taken just before they took the decorations down last night and they both smiled at the selfies Mark had taken with the three of them by the Christmas tree. The baby was looking towards it as Seb held him, his bright blue eyes reflected the little Christmas lights strung around the tree and he appeared transfixed.

“Takes after you sweetheart,” commented Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I don't think he knew what it was, but I guess the light caught his eyes.”

“Mm. Mum'll love these. You gonna send them then?”

“Yep sure.”

Seb took the phone back and selected a dozen photos to send to all their family. He was already thinking how they could get some printed up themselves. They could get them framed to put up on the hearth by their wedding photos. A sign of their developing family life. Seb thought that would actually be a far better decoration for the room.

 

Soon Pauline was back and they were grateful for the help to make sure that the house looked in decent shape for when the midwife arrived. After she'd had a hold of the baby for a little while Pauline handed him back as she looked at the time.

“When is the midwife due?”

“Ten,” stated Seb.

“Right you are then. I'll take the dogs out and give you space.”

“Thank you. Really Pauline you're such a life-saver. We were just saying weren't we Liebling?”

“Yeah we'd be in danger of getting buried here,” agreed Mark. “Actually we were wondering whether we might have a bit of a chat with you about arrangements going forward.”

“Oh I'm happy to help,” assured Pauline.

“Well that's the thing. For the next week or so if we can carry on like this that would be amazing. We're going to talk to the midwife about when we can take this little guy out, but for now we're a bit stuck.”

“That's fine dear. I don't mind. I'll just bob over each day.”

“It's not too much?”

“Getting to see this little one? No of course not. You can pay me in cuddles.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Us or the baby?”

Pauline laughed as well.

“Either are great, but I meant the baby.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You're welcome to them, but what we were thinking was once we've got ourselves a bit more sorted and we know he's okay to go out, we probably will start taking him for walks. We ordered a pram yesterday and one of those carrier things.”

“Ah okay.”

“Not for another week I shouldn't have thought.”

“Right.”

“But we were really looking beyond that and what we were wondering was if you might consider changing our normal arrangement. I mean already we're piling up washing and cleaning up and just keeping on top of things.”

“Well you've got your hands full haven't you?” sympathised Pauline.

“So yeah, that's what we mean.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who picked things up.

“Yeah so right now every day if you can is awesome, with the dogs and just stopping the kitchen descending into chaos, but what Seb and I were wondering was whether you would consider doing more than the normal two days a week in future?”

“Ah right.”

“It's fine if you can't,” rushed Seb.

“No, umm, yes okay, what were you thinking?” enquired Pauline.

“Well we're not quite sure. We're sort of hoping that once we get it together a bit more it won't be so overwhelming, but perhaps, I don't know maybe... three, four days in the week?”

Pauline smiled at him being so cautious.

“Of course,” she nodded.

“Really?”

“Yes of course dear.”

“We'll sort out making sure we pay you properly and we're not asking you to babysit or anything, just to mostly do what you normally do,” stated Seb.

“Only more so,” added Mark.

Pauline shook her head.

“I'm quite happy to babysit, but whatever you need. Why don't we play it by ear and see how things go? I'll come in every day to have a tidy and keep your heads above water and walk the dogs until you can do that. Then we can see how things are going, maybe I could just come in weekdays?”

“Oh really?” replied Seb in relief. “That would be so helpful.”

“Of course. I'm only down the road. I can just bob up for an hour or so each morning and we'll see how we go.”

“That's fantastic of you,” agreed Mark. “We're already thinking we need to get a dishwasher installed in the kitchen.”

Pauline huffed a laugh.

“You'll be doing me out of a job.”

“Oh god we really won't. I don't know how people do it.”

“Ah you manage dear, you'll probably surprise yourself.”

“Mm maybe.”

“That's fine though,” she assured. “We can pencil that in as a plan and we'll work it out as we go.”

“You're sure?”

“Absolutely. Besides, Auntie Pauline's got to see this little one getting bigger and bigger hasn't she?”

Sebastian beamed and surprised Pauline by getting up from where they all sat around the kitchen table and not just hugging her but giving her a kiss on the cheek. Pauline shook her head and stood to give him a hug back.

“You are sweet. Honestly, as if I don't want to do all I can to help? Now then I'll take the boys out for a good long walk to wear them out.”

Mark glanced over to the dogs lying in their baskets.

“They are being good poor things, even if they do keep giving us hard-done-by looks.”

“Well that won't do,” declared Pauline. “Come on, let's go boys, leave them in peace.”

 

Once they were left alone Sebastian let out a sigh.

“That's a relief.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“As if she was going to say no?”

“Well yeah but we shouldn't assume.”

“No okay. Well like she says, we'll just get through next week and then play it by ear.”

“Yeah okay.”

 

They heard a noise and then the door, so Seb got up to answer it, returning with Rachel in tow. They only had time for a quick chat and to make her some tea when the door went again and the midwife arrived. They offered her more tea but she politely declined, suggesting they go through from the kitchen into the lounge so she could give the baby a check up. Seb and Mark watched on as she laid out the baby with practised ease on a blanket set on the sofa, undressing him and doing all her checks to make sure all was well before redressing him and passing him back to Sebastian.

They sat for some while as she ran through everything with them, checking how much he was feeding and answering all their questions and reassuring them that they were doing a good job.

“We were wondering about the dogs,” began Sebastian.

“Oh yes, I did notice the baskets,” commented the midwife.

“Yeah, um so we were wondering what the rules are about them being around the baby?”

“Ah, well it's not unusual for families to have pets.”

“They're quite big, but they're very gentle creatures,” emphasised Mark.

“I'm sure they are,” she agreed, “though I would advise just keeping a little distance for now.”

“We haven't let them get too close,” assured Seb.

“It's not a problem for them to be around though is it?” checked Mark.

“No no, as I said, it's perfectly common, but just not too close for now and I would advise you not to leave them alone with him no matter how good they are.”

“We'd never do that,” interrupted Seb.

“Of course,” the midwife soothed, “other than that just making sure you wash your hands properly after interacting with them.”

“We do,” assured Mark. “It feels like we spend our whole lives washing our hands at the moment.”

“Well that's good. You're doing the right thing to try to prevent passing any germs on. That's especially important when he's so little.”

Mark nodded and put an arm around Seb where he sat balanced on the arm of the sofa by him.

“We're very careful aren't we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“They're mostly staying in the kitchen for now, the dogs that is.”

“Right, well don't worry too much about them being in the house. I'm sure they'll soon get used to one another.”

“They're really very good,” Mark asserted.

“I've no doubt. It's more a matter of hygiene. Very small babies just don't have the strength in their immune system to fight infections so it's worth being extra-cautious.”

“Of course, yeah we'll be careful,” promised Mark.

“I'm sure you will. I have to say I noticed how clean your kitchen is.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Ah well there I'm afraid we're rather cheating. We have a wonderful housekeeper who's coming in every day.”

“Aren't you lucky?”

“Yes we really are,” he agreed. “We're very spoiled. Actually that's where the dogs are right now. Pauline's taking them out for their walk.”

“Ah I did wonder.”

“Oh that's something else we wanted to ask,” leapt in Sebastian. “About taking him outside, when that's okay? I mean obviously we had to to bring him home, but apart from that we've not gone out and we weren't sure with him being so small when it's safe to do that?”

The midwife paused and looked at the baby in his arms.

“Hmm, yes well opinions vary slightly, but I'd say you might want to wait a few days while he settles into being home, adjusting to his new environment outside the hospital first, but beyond that it's really a matter of judgement.”

“We thought, you know with it being so cold?”

“Well the most important thing is to keep him warm, but if he's wearing sufficient layers and perhaps it's a milder day.”

“We've ordered him a little snow-suit,” noted Mark.

The nurse smiled.

“Well fresh air is good. What did you have in mind when you say going out? Did you have plans?”

“Oh well just out along the lanes a bit or maybe the footpaths near here, not far, just taking the dogs for a walk.”

“Ah okay, well that sounds fine. I was going to say you might not want to go anywhere too busy just yet. It's other people and things like recycled air-conditioning in a shop you might want to avoid for a while. A little fresh air and exercise for yourself is actually a good idea. That's as I say, so long as baby is properly dressed for the weather. Add an extra layer under his snow-suit and a tip I always give is to look after the extremities, put a pair of socks on even if he's wearing a babygro with feet and you can do the same with his hands.”

“Put socks on them?”

“Yes, unless you have little mittens?”

“Um, no not yet, we'll add them to our list.”

“Right, well socks work just as well, he won't care. Keep his hat on and then as long as you've got him a nice warm outer layer covering his hands, feet and head, you should be fine.”

“So we can take him out next week maybe?” asked Sebastian.

“Yes you should be fine. I think it's meant to warm up a little, but just see how he's doing. If he's happy it's worth taking an exploratory little stroll. Perhaps just a short one to start with.”

Sebastian was nodding carefully.

“Maybe just twenty minutes? Would that be okay?”

“Yes I should think so. I'd suggest just seeing how he's doing. If he seems happy when you're out you're probably fine, just keep an eye that he's not getting too cold, or the same applies about being too hot, but I'd say we're unlikely to get that much of a snap change to the weather.”

 

Mark smiled as he glanced out at the freezing conditions outside the window.

“Yeah okay, thanks. I don't think we're going to rush anything.”

“Okay, and other than little outings for some air I would say you might want to avoid anything too public for a while. It's less about cold than germs.”

“I don't think we've really got any plans like that have we Liebling?” prompted Seb.

“Nope. Just our families wanting to visit, but I don't think that'll be for another week at least.”

“Right well just ask them to observe the same hygiene rules you do.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I'm sure our mothers will be worse than us at worrying over that sort of thing.”

The midwife nodded.

“Beyond that you've no plans?”

“For us doing things you mean? No, we're very boring aren't we sweetheart? Just a few visitors probably.”

“Then you should be fine. I'll be back anyway, but assuming he's doing well I'd have thought you can start relaxing a little once he reaches his actual due date, which is...” The midwife paused as she recalled the details. “Just over two weeks, yes?”

“Yes.”

The midwife nodded and looked at her notes to check.

“So that's the twenty-first of this month. Good, well I'll be coming regularly to check on him seeing as he's a prem baby and we want to keep an eye on how he's developing.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and shook his head.

“Sorry, I just realised.” He shifted slightly to look at Seb. “It's just that's our wedding anniversary.”

“Oh wow, I hadn't realised either,” agreed Sebastian.

He caught sight of Rachel sat on the other sofa smiling as she drank her tea, but she said nothing. The midwife merely nodded.

“Well I don't suppose you'll forget the date then?”

“No,” agreed Mark. “So when will you come next?”

“Five days, so that's Wednesday, if that's okay?”

“Of course. Same time?”

“Yes if that's alright?”

“That's fine isn't it Seb?”

“Yep, fine.”

“Then after that we'll see how we go. If all's well I'd imagine we'd do five days again, then another week or two and then we'll make a call on his general health and see if he's gaining weight nicely and then I should hopefully be able to handover to the health visitor and your GP.”

Sebastian was nodding slowly, trying to make sure he took it all in. The midwife saw the little furrow on his brow and smiled at how seriously he was taking all this.

“Don't worry too much about all that. We'll just ear-mark next Wednesday and go from there.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian puffed out a breath, trying not to disturb the baby in his arms. He was trying to think what else to ask her, but now the midwife was here it was as though his brain had shut down and everything had flown out of there.

“Alright?” she checked.

“Yeah, just, I'm trying to think of all the things we ought to be doing. All those books I've read and it feels like I've forgotten everything now we've actually got a baby.”

The midwife smiled.

“I'm not sure baby-brain only applies to new mothers,” she assured. “You're adapting just as he is and I'd imagine that's pretty much occupying most of your thoughts right now. Am I right?”

“Yeah,” nodded Sebastian.

“From all I can tell you're doing an excellent job. Don't worry about the books. You're feeding him, changing him, keeping him safe and warm and looking after him, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Good, then just keep doing that.”

“I think we've hardly put him down, have we?” asserted Mark.

“No only really at night when he's in his crib,” agreed Seb.

“Well he seems very content,” confirmed the midwife.

“It's alright he's asleep most of the time?”

“Yes he's doing what he needs to. I'd be more worried if he wasn't sleeping.”

“Oh okay.”

“He's doing fine, you're doing fine. I know it's easy for me to say, but just keep doing what you're doing.”

“Okay thanks.” Sebastian looked to Mark. “I can't think what else to ask. Can you Liebling?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Not really. Oh we've not given him a bath yet. I hadn't bought a thermometer, but it should be delivered today.”

“Don't worry too much. Common sense is a good guide. The old trick of sticking your elbow in to check it's nice comfortable temperature is fine, but if you're anxious don't worry, every few days is fine. In the meantime you can't go wrong with warm water and cotton-wool to just keep him nice and clean.”

“That's what we've been doing.”

“There we go then. When you do try the bath just not too long or conversely you'll dry his skin out and nothing in it but water, that's all you need.”

“Right.”

“A nice warm room, and dry clean towels to make sure he doesn't get cold as soon as you take him out.”

“Okay.”

“And I would hope this goes without saying, but I always will: Never never walk away, even for a second leaving baby in water, even if it's an inch deep.”

Sebastian nodded earnestly.

“We wouldn't,” he promised.

“Good.” She smiled again at how conscientious they were. “Don't look so worried. I'm sure you're doing a great job. I'm just here to help.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Yes, thank you,” added Mark.

 

The midwife reached in and touched the baby's cheek and gave him a smile.

“Still sleeping. I think he's quite happy.” She sat upright. “Well then, if there's nothing else I'll be off.”

“You sure you don't want a cup of tea or anything?” offered Mark.

“No thank you, I have to get on I'm afraid. I'll leave you my card in case anything crops up you are worried about.”

 

She dug out a little card with contact details which she placed on the coffee table, then stood shaking her head as Sebastian went to stand with her, indicating he should stay sat with the baby. Mark showed her out before returning to the lounge with a smile to Seb as he sat beside him before looking over to Rachel who had been sat quietly throughout.

“Well that was okay wasn't it?”

Sebastian nodded and Rachel smiled.

“All good. Well I suppose I should clear out too. I'll go back to the office and start processing paperwork. If everything's alright with you I probably don't need to come back for a week or so.”

“That's fine,” agreed Mark.

“You can still call me though.”

“Right, sure.”

“Okay then. Well...” Rachel sorted her bag out and stood up. “I'll leave you in peace.”

 

They said their goodbyes and Mark showed her out in turn before returning to the sofa with a puffed breath.

“Right, blimey, just us now then.”

Sebastian glanced towards the door.

“Pauline'll be back soon.”

“Yeah but only to drop the boys off.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I was sort of surprised she said we can take him out. The midwife I mean.”

“Hmm, I dunno. Only for a little blow of air. We're not wanting to traipse him round shopping malls or anything.”

Seb coughed a laugh.

“My god I don't even think I could.”

“No well, we'll wait while we get the pram or the carrier and see sometime later next week and have a little foray out.”

“Only if it's not too cold.”

“Yeah alright.” Mark leaned in and chubbed the baby's cheek gently. “I think he'll like having a little adventure.”

“Up the road.”

“It's all relative.”

“True. Okay.”

“Just think how cute he's gonna look in his little snow-suit.”

Sebastian smiled, already picturing it.

 

 

 

After Pauline had returned the dogs and gone on her way they had a few deliveries appear, amongst which one of the little packages turned out to be the water thermometer, so they braved getting the baby bath out to set it on the floor of the bathroom and carefully filled it with water. Mark decided to do an experiment and they did the midwife's check with their elbows to see if it felt comfortably warm without being too hot, before actually using the thermometer to be scientific.

“Ha, not far off,” smiled Mark.

“Not exact though,” Seb argued.

Mark looked at him, tempted to say that the temperature recommended wasn't really exact either, just a best approximation, but he knew it wasn't worth it.

“True,” he relented. “Best not to have to worry I guess.”

“I just want to be sure it's okay for him.”

Mark nodded and gave his arm a little rub.

“Course sweetheart.”

They added a fraction more cold water, then a tiny bit more warm until Seb was satisfied that the thermometer read precisely the recommended temperature and gave Mark the nod. He looked down at the baby swaddled in towels lying on the floor beside them.

“Right then little man, you gonna take a dip?”

The baby blinked up at him with those lovely blue eyes and Mark smiled.

“Won't be that bad mate I promise. Come on.”

Sebastian helped unwrap the warm towels from around him and Mark carefully scooped the baby up, pausing slightly before slowly lowering him into the water in the baby bath. The baby squirmed at the strange sensation and for the first minute it took the two of them struggling a little clumsily to get him to settle and lie propped up in the water, then the baby seemed to scowl at them before he finally gave in to lie more calmly.

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Oh dear. Why am I suddenly picturing seeing that face five years from now not wanting a bath after getting muddy playing football in the garden?”

Sebastian smiled, loving that idea.

“Aw it's just strange to him.”

Mark had one hand supporting the baby's head and another around his back, fingers splayed so they could go under his arms to stop him slipping. Mark's hands seemed huge by comparison, all the baby's little limbs so tiny as he pulled them in against his body before slowly relaxing. Sebastian tried cupping a handful of the water to smooth over his chest, partly to wash hm, but mostly just to get him used to the water.

“There we go, that's not so bad is it mate?” asked Mark.

The baby still didn't look entirely convinced, but Seb kept going, trying to make sure he had a good clean. It was only when he went over his face with a damped piece of cotton-wool that the baby started crying and trying to writhe out of the way and Mark had to fight to keep a safe hold of him.

“Come on now Schatz, nearly done, just behind your ears,” tried Seb as he determinedly fought on to make sure the baby had a proper clean and not just the wipe overs they'd been doing until now. “There, that'll do.”

Both he and Mark puffed a breath and the baby seemed to pause a little too, but then he picked up crying again and Mark decided to scoop him out. He laid him back on the towels and they both did their best to dry him off properly as the baby resisted, pulling his little legs into his body and scrunching up his face as he wailed.

“Come on, no fussing,” instructed Mark firmly, though the baby paid no attention.

As they succeeded in getting him dry Sebastian paused a second and shook his head.

“He looks even tinier like this,” he observed.

“Yeah, little scrapper,” agreed Mark. “There we go, all done.”

 

He wrapped the towels back around the baby for a moment while Sebastian got the special baby towel from where it sat on the rail warming by the radiator. Seb laid it out on the floor with its little folded over corner making a hood at the top and as Mark unwrapped the baby to transfer him, Sebastian frowned at the baby still crying.

“Do you think we did it wrong?”

Mark shook his head as he folded the baby into the new towel.

“Nah it's just new to him. He'll be fine. Come on now, calm down son, there we go.”

Swaddled into the warm bath towel the baby stilled and Mark picked him up to hold him against his t-shirt clad chest.

“There we are mate, that's better isn't it?”

He angled his head around to see the baby's face resting sideways by his shoulder. He was still crying and his little face was wet with tears so Seb picked up another piece of cotton-wool and dried it off while Mark gently rubbed over the baby's back through the towel. The baby took in some apparently deeper breaths then snuffled his face into Mark making him smile.

“There now, you're alright aren't you?” soothed Mark.

Sebastian sighed and gently rested his hand on the back of the baby's head where it was tucked into the towelling hood.

“Do you think he just wasn't sure what was going on?” he frowned.

“I'm sure it is darling. All new to him.” Mark looked at the baby. “What have Daddy and Papa been doing eh? Gotta keep you clean kiddo.”

“I suppose he'll get more used to it,” accepted Seb.

“Course he will.”

“And she said just every few days.”

“Yeah.” Mark coughed a laugh. “Good job too, we'd be worn out.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh, relaxing now the baby had calmed down.

“Yeah. Ah he looks gorgeous like this though.”

He sat back a little and took in the sight of Mark holding the baby up against him, one hand cradling the baby's head in his cute towelling hood and the other arm wrapped around him holding the baby's little behind as he squashed in, seeming comfortable. The baby snuggled in again and Sebastian smiled thinking that he seemed to sense he was safe in Mark's arms. Seb knew how that felt. To him Mark radiated security and Seb was sure the baby felt it too.

“I'm gonna go grab my phone, take a picture,” announced Seb. “Don't move.”

He leapt up to find his mobile phone and Mark looked to the baby again as the door shut behind him to prevent a draft.

“What's Papa up to eh?”

Seb came back through and knelt beside them holding his phone up.

“Smile.”

Mark huffed a laugh and smiled as Seb took a few snaps, then he looked down at the baby and Sebastian quickly captured that, sitting back to look at the pictures and smiling at how lovely the pair of them looked like this.

“You want a swap and I'll get a picture of you with him?” offered Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

Seb put the phone down and took the baby into his arms, holding him the same way so Mark could get some more photographs. The baby felt so nice and warm. Sebastian lifted him up a fraction and pressed his cheek into the baby's thinking it was so soft and perfect it made him want to cry. Mark merely smiled to himself as he caught the moment then checked the phone to be sure. Sebastian practically exuded happiness in that shot and Mark sighed and shook his head to think they really had what they had dreamed of for so long.

“We should go put a nappy on him or this'll be a wet towel,” stated Sebastian practically.

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Yep, too true.”

 

They went through and put a fresh nappy onto the baby. It was only half past eleven in the morning but it felt much later so as Seb went to fetch a new outfit to dress the baby in Mark glanced over at the bed thinking it looked tempting.

“This is cute,” commented Sebastian as he came back through holding the babygro covered in little cars.

“Ha, thought you'd like that one. Yeah.”

Sebastian knelt by Mark and fitted another little hat on the baby as he held him in, just wrapped in a blanket for now. He laid out a new short babygro to go underneath, then the outer one, then looked to Mark.

“Do you want to put him down?”

“Hmm? Oh you know what I was just thinking. Why don't we have a little rest first? We can try that bonding thing again.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You want to hold him?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” Seb nodded.

They stood and Seb pulled off his t-shirt before taking the baby to allow Mark to do the same before climbing into bed. Then he passed the baby back to Mark once he was settled lying propped against the pillows before climbing in himself. Mark deliberately held the baby into his right side against his chest so Seb could lean in on the other side, Seb helping to tuck the blanket around him before pulling the duvet up. Then Mark put out his left arm where Seb was still sat up.

“Come on, settle in,” he encouraged.

Sebastian laughed and did as requested, leaning into Mark, making sure that the baby had plenty of room. He was so small though that he didn't take up a lot of space and Sebastian could settle into the other side, putting his head by Mark's shoulder as they always did. As they relaxed into it Mark looked up from checking again to be sure that there baby was positioned correctly to get plenty of air, then smiled at Seb.

“Alright sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded and fitted his arm around so it went around the baby.

“This is so nice.”

“Yeah.”

Mark stretched his head over and gave Seb a kiss.

“Perfect darling. See how happy he is now. I think this is what he likes.”

“Not so much baths.”

Mark chuckled and the baby wiggled about slightly at the movement of his nice comfy bed.

“Sorry mate, you alright there?”

Mark peered in to be sure the baby was okay, but he quickly settled back and Mark flicked his eyebrows up at Seb who smiled back.

“I think he's fine Liebling. Maybe he just doesn't like things changing around him?”

“Yeah. Just need to keep things simple don't we? He doesn't need much.”

“Mmm.”

Sebastian nodded and gazed over at the baby. It was so warm with the heating turned up in the house and they were cosy like this. He didn't mean to, but soon Seb's eyes fell closed and he was asleep again. Mark looked over and shook his head.

“How come I don't get a nap?” he whispered to the baby who was awake for now.

Mark smiled as he got no answer. Within a few minutes the baby was asleep too and Mark was left the only one awake. Typical.

 

 

Forty minutes later Mark looked over at the time and gave Sebastian's arm a rub. Seb snuffled into him almost as the baby did and Mark dipped his head.

“Seb.”

“Hmm?” replied Sebastian dozily.

“Sweetheart it's time for his feed.”

Seb blinked his eyes open and sat up, looking at Mark in surprise.

“Huh? Oh. Oh god Mark, sorry. Did I fall asleep?”

Mark smiled and indicated to the sleeping baby.

“You're not the only one.”

Sebastian ran a hand through his hair and ruffled it to wake himself up properly.

“Oh Liebling I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.”

“That's okay.”

“You must be so tired.”

“Maybe I can get a nap later?”

“Yeah you should. I'll look after him.”

“Yeah okay. Don't worry about it. I only woke you cos I need to go make his bottle.”

“No I'll do it. You stay here.”

Sebastian pushed himself out of bed and found his t-shirt to pull back on, adding a hoody to go downstairs to the kitchen. He went back to stand by the bed and leaned in to kiss Mark on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“Okay, won't be long.”

 

Sebastian looked back into the bedroom before he walked out and smiled, thinking what an amazing sight it was to see Mark tucked up looking cosy with a baby in their bed, the crib over on the side and all the baby's things piled by it. He shut the door carefully thinking they really did need to order up the furniture for the nursery to get themselves organised rather than just having things all over the floor in a mess all the time. Not that the baby cared.

He went downstairs and started making up the bottle, going over to the dogs while it warmed. Seb knelt down and gave the a good rub.

“You're being so good. Sorry boys I know we're ignoring you a bit. We've just got to concentrate on this for a while then things should get a little more like normal.”

Even as he said it Seb wondered what their new normal was going to be. Not quite like the past that much was for sure. When the baby could sit up they should get a high chair in here. This kitchen with a high chair in it. The idea alone made him smile. Sebastian gave the dogs a last fuss over and topped up their food and water before washing his hands again as he thought of the midwife's advice. He was pulled back from his reverie by the sound of the baby crying floating down from the bedroom so he hurried up sorting out the bottle and went back upstairs, back to their new priority.

 

 

Once they had redressed and fed the baby, Sebastian looked at Mark where they sat up the bed.

“You look tired,” he observed.

“Cheers.”

“No I mean I feel bad. Why don't you have a nap now and I'll make lunch?”

Mark puffed out a breath and looked at the baby who had fallen asleep again as soon as he was winded and comfortable.

“Hmm.”

“I'll put him down for a bit and you can have a rest,” offered Sebastian.

Mark raised an eyebrow at Seb daring to actually let the baby be that far away from him, but he nodded.

“Yeah okay.”

 

Sebastian put the baby down to sleep in the moses basket which they still had on the floor. He looked back to Mark.

“We really need to sort out the stand for this.”

“Yeah. We can do it later.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian looked down to be sure that the baby was happy then went and sat on the bed looking at Mark.

“Are you bothered what we have for lunch?”

“Nope, whatever's fine.”

“Pauline brought soup.”

Mark smiled.

“Bless her. Well we can have that then.”

“I'll let the dogs out for a bit.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian leaned over and gave Mark a kiss.

“I won't rush. Have a rest.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian went out and Mark sat up a bit to look over to be sure the baby was asleep, then shuffled down in the already warm bed. He closed his eyes and instantly dropped off, more exhausted than he realised.

 

 

Downstairs Seb opened the fridge and took out the plastic container of soup and set it on the side before putting the kettle on. Then he sat down at the table and thought how strange it was to be this far away from the baby. It felt as though he had been almost physically attached to him for the past forty-eight hours and it made Seb a little nervous to not have him close so he could be sure he was okay, but then they did this at night. One of them in bed while the other came down to make the bottle, the baby in his crib asleep, or held by one of his parents to soothe him if he had woken ahead of them. That was fine so this was fine. Mark was there and he'd wake if the baby needed him. Sebastian puffed out a breath and told himself off for fretting. He made some tea and looked at the dogs.

“You want a run around?”

Shadow and Simba pricked their ears and sat up, making Seb smile.

“Hang on a sec.”

He went into the hall and put on shoes before coming back through, making himself a mug of tea and opening the back door to let the dogs out. Sebastian put it to behind him and stood outside drinking his tea while the dogs ran around on the grass. It was cold and the steam rose off the mug in his hand as well as coming from his mouth as he breathed. Seb reflected that this was the first time he had been outside since they had come back from the hospital. It was nice to get some fresh air. He sipped his tea and gave the dogs a rub as they came over to him before running off again. They did need to sort out taking the baby for a walk. Sebastian was glad that the nurse had said it was okay. He thought it would do them all good. The house was so warm and they were getting tired. A freshen up in the outdoors ought to help. Maybe when the pram arrived next week, or the carrier, perhaps that would be better?

Seb thought he could really do with a nice walk. A run even. They should look for another pram that they could take out to go running with. Seb was sure they did special ones with proper suspension so the baby would be safe and largely undisturbed. When the baby was just a bit bigger perhaps. And swimming. Seb thought how nice a swim would feel. The baby hadn't reacted too well to the bath though. That would probably have to wait a while. He drank his tea and thought how much more complicated their lives were now. All the ordinary day-to-day activities in their life now required careful planning. It was okay though, they'd just have to adapt.

 

 

Eventually Sebastian took the dogs back in, resettled them down in their baskets and set about sorting lunch out. He looked up at the clock on the wall and saw that it was half past twelve already. He was losing all track of time. Even the days. It was Friday, right? Seb was pretty sure it was. He warmed the soup and smiled as he thought how lucky they were to have Pauline. They ought to get on and sort out about their families coming over. If his mum knew how much time their housekeeper was getting with her grandchild Seb didn't think she'd be too happy by comparison.

His ear picked up a faint noise and Sebastian switched off the microwave to go into the hallway. The baby was crying again. It still felt so strange to hear it in this house. Seb went upstairs and found Mark stood holding him, moving slowly from foot to foot to soothe the baby.

“Sorry, you didn't get a very long nap,” apologised Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“Doesn't matter. Can you check his nappy?”

Seb undid the babygros and looked.

“Yep.”

“Ah, thought so.” Mark looked to the crying baby. “Not gonna let Daddy sleep, is that it?”

“Sorry,” apologised Seb again.

“Not your fault. Right then. Lets see if we can't improve our pitstop time.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh. He wouldn't be at all surprised if Mark really did get a timer. They were getting a bit better at this, but it still took the two of them to change and re-dress the baby, especially when he was crying like this. Once they'd succeeded in the task Sebastian picked the baby up and stroked over his back until he quieted.

 

“There now Liebling, isn't that better?” soothed Sebastian as he looked at him. “All dry and nice. And look at your lovely little outfit Daddy bought you.”

Mark smiled and leaned in to smooth over the little racing car themed babygro.

“Start 'em young.”

Sebastian turned his head.

“No.”

“No?”

“No Mark.”

Mark frowned as he saw the look in Seb's eyes.

“Sweetheart I'm only teasing.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I don't want that for him. I know what everyone will say, but...”

He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment and Mark moved in closer and put an arm around him.

“Darling we're not going to push him into racing. I only meant it as a little joke.”

Sebastian sighed again and turned his head to look at him.

“I just... when I think back. I wish so much I hadn't.”

“Hadn't what? Not raced?”

“No, not that. I love racing, but I did everything so young. I look back at pictures and I'm practically a baby in that little kart. I know my parents meant well and I did love it, but it all got out of hand. I thought it was amazing when RedBull signed me but that's when things started to go wrong.”

Mark rubbed over his arm.

“I know darling. You were too young, far too young. We'd never let that happen to Theo.”

“Teo.”

Mark cracked a smile and Sebastian found himself matching it. Mark gave his arm a rub.

“We won't push him darling,” assured Mark. “Just a nice normal childhood.”

“Yeah. That's all I want. I know it's bound to be a bit different, but I don't want what I had for him.”

“That's not going to happen. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian pushed out a long breath and looked down at the baby.

“I just want to protect him.”

“Me too darling.”

Seb turned his head and nodded.

“I know.”

“We'll keep him safe, let him have as normal a childhood as possible,” Mark asserted.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“No that's okay.”

“I know you only meant it as a joke Mark. I didn't mean to over-react.”

“That's alright. I understand.”

“Okay.” Sebastian took a deep breath. “Maybe when he's older, like much older, he could have a go at karting if he wants, but only playing, nothing serious.”

“Sure. When he's, I dunno, eight, nine, ten? How does that sound?” Mark proposed.

Sebastian nodded.

“Just for fun.”

“Just for fun darling, nothing heavy. We're not going to push him into anything. You never know what he might turn out to be good at. We'll just let him have lots of nice fun experiences until he finds the things he likes. Who knows, we could have a little musician, or a scientist, or I don't know, a rugby player.”

“Rugby's too rough. It's not safe.”

Mark laughed.

“We drive racing cars at two hundred miles an hour sweetheart.”

Seb shook his head.

“They're more exposed in rugby, they get horrible injuries.”

“Fine. Not rugby,” accepted Mark. He reached and touched the baby's little snub nose. “Too beautiful for being in scrums anyway.” He smiled and looked to Seb. “Maybe he'll be a little swimmer like you? He ought to get lots of practise.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I was thinking about that. We'll have to ask the midwife when he might be old enough to go in the pool.”

“Sure. A while I'd guess.”

“Yeah but if we turn the heat up. In a month maybe?”

“Yeah we'll see,” agreed Mark.

“We'll have to make sure we keep the link door locked.”

Mark laughed and gave Seb a look.

“Darling if he toddles off and manages to turn the handle right now I'd be remarkably impressed.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Not _now_. Later. When he can walk.”

“Yeah okay. Way to go yet.”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath as he looked back at the baby's outfit.

“Sorry, I don't want to pass on my hang-ups to him.”

Mark shook his head.

“Totally reasonable concerns darling. Don't worry about it.”

“It's a lovely babygro Liebling.” Seb looked to Mark. “If he did want to do racing stuff, I'm not saying he couldn't.”

“Just not too soon. I get it sweetheart. That's fine. He can make his own mind up about it when he's old enough to do so.”

“Yeah. I don't regret everything. I did have fun too. It just got too serious too soon,” explained Seb.

Mark nodded.

“I know.” Mark gave Seb's arm a rub. “Right, come on, didn't you promise me some nice soup?”

“Oh. Yeah I started warming it up.”

Mark gave Seb a hand to stand up holding the baby and fetched the blanket to wrap around him ready to go down.

 

In the kitchen they sat eating, or more accurately, took turns to eat seeing as soup proved too difficult when you were holding a baby. As Sebastian finished up eating while Mark took his turn holding the baby his phone went off in his pocket and he pulled it out to look at a text. He expected it to be from family, but it was his boss again. Christian had already been in touch to say that the meeting was rearranged for the following Thursday so Seb presumed it must be more details.

CHRISTIAN: Hi Seb, hope all's going well. I was just wondering about popping round briefly maybe this afternoon? I seem to find myself strangely at a loose end. Don't worry if you've got your hands full, literally I imagine.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and looked to see Mark wondering what it was.

“Christian's asking if he can come over,” he explained.

“Ah right.”

“I think he's curious and I guess seeing as he cancelled the meeting for this afternoon he's free for once.”

“Christian with free time on his hands? Blimey, there's a first,” smiled Mark.

“What do you think?”

“What, to him coming over? He can if you like darling. I'm guessing he wants a nose at this little guy.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah. I guess it couldn't hurt to have a chat about stuff. Okay. Do you think it'll sound rude if I just say a short visit?”

Mark shook his head.

“Nah he won't mind. Just invite him for coffee. I could use one myself.”

“Do you want one now?”

“No I'll have it later.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian texted back and got a rapid reply.

SEB: Sure, do you want to pop over for a coffee?

CHRISTIAN: Great. Thanks I won't stay long. I'm sure you're busy. Be about 2.30?

SEB: Fine, see you then.

 

 

 

Around an hour later Sebastian answered the door to his boss. He smiled as he welcomed him in and took the card and present Christian offered.

“Thanks. You didn't need to.”

“Oh it's only something I picked up.”

“Come through.”

Sebastian hung up Christian's coat as he removed his shoes and followed him into the lounge. As Sebastian put the gift and card on the coffee table Christian paused in the doorway slightly stunned at the sight of Mark sat on the sofa holding a tiny baby in his arms.

“Wow.”

Mark looked over and smiled.

“Yeah I'm saying that a lot mate.”

Sebastian went to shut the door to prevent cold air coming in and Christian took a seat on the other sofa, unable to take his eyes off the baby.

“Do you want a coffee?” offered Seb.

“Um yeah no rush. My goodness this is quite a sight to see.”

Christian blinked as if he couldn't quite believe his eyes and Mark huffed a little laugh as Sebastian sat back down beside him. They exchanged pleasantries for a while before explaining what had happened again and how things stood. Christian nodded along.

 

“Okay well I've had a chat with Britta and she said Porsche have already been in touch Mark.”

“Have they? That's fast. Mind you, very efficient Germans.”

Mark grinned at Seb who rolled his eyes at him teasing.

“So what did Britta say?” asked Sebastian.

“First off she says congratulations.”

Sebastian smiled. He had received a text from Britta, and apologised again for getting so caught up that he hadn't told her personally himself, but it hadn't gone any further than that. He wondered if he should have called, but they were so busy. Britta hadn't sounded offended to have heard the news from someone else.

“And beyond that I think we're still working it out with Porsche,” continued Christian. “Maybe co-ordinate a short statement?”

Sebastian and Mark looked to one another.

“I guess,” allowed Seb. “I don't want to make a big announcement though.”

“No alright, but I think Porsche will want to make some explanation as to why Mark's not driving this season.”

“No we get that mate,” replied Mark. “I think we mean about this little guy. We don't want too much attention.”

“Okay, well like I say, they're just thinking for now. Perhaps we can work out a wording to run by you? Seb you're still coming in on Thursday morning next week?”

“Yep.”

“Well then perhaps we can look at it then if you can spare Britta a bit of time after the meeting?”

“Sure. Just something without much detail,” allowed Seb.

Christian nodded.

“I'm sure Britta will work with Porsche to plan something suitable.”

“We don't want any press sticking their noses in,” stated Mark.

“No. well I'm sure they'll deal with that too,” assured Christian. “Actually it's not bad timing. Just a few lines to put out while things are quiet long before the season starts.”

 

Sebastian glanced to Mark and they were both thinking they suspected the press would pick the story up either way, but they had no intention of giving them anything more than they had to. Sebastian thought he would have to have a chat with Britta about that too to ask her to do all she could to close down any media interest. If they turned up here Seb wasn't sure Mark would handle it at all. They needed to talk about how they protected the baby from attention at races.

“I think I'll need to talk to legal as well,” pointed out Sebastian.

“Ah right, okay.”

“Just to sort out about things like not letting any pictures being published.”

“I see, yes okay well perhaps if you work that out with Britta?”

“Sure.”

“I take it you're still planning on coming along to races with Seb then Mark?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Blimey mate I've not thought that far ahead. In principle yes, but we've just got to see how we're doing.”

Seb looked over to his boss.

“He needs a lot of looking after because he's so small you see. We're not sure how things are going to be.”

Mark looked at the baby in his arms.

“To be honest mate we're still in the day-to-day coping stage. March seems a hell of a long way off.”

“Of course,” nodded Christian. “We can talk about all that later. In the meantime Seb I'm guessing you want to get as much time at home as possible?”

“Um well yeah really. I don't want to leave the team in the lurch and I know there's prep work needs doing.”

Christian gave a little shake of his head.

“We'll work around it.”

“I do want to be involved in the development of the car,” asserted Seb.

“Of course. Well we'll have to see how it goes.”

“I'm sure it'll be fine,” added in Mark, not wanting Sebastian to start worrying about fitting in work and home commitments already.

“Absolutely,” agreed Christian. “Anyway that's not what's important right now. How are you doing?”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Still in shock I reckon.”

“I'll bet. And the baby?”

“He's fantastic mate. Absolute little ripper.”

Christian laughed and sat up on the edge of the sofa to peer over.

“Tiny little fellow. You said he was early?”

“Yeah just a couple of weeks,” explained Seb, “but he's fine, just needs lots of attention.”

“I'm sure. Well you look right at home.”

Sebastian was leaning in giving the baby's cheek a little stroke as he woke up.

“Hello Liebling.”

Mark smiled and shifted the baby slightly so Christian could see him.

“Little beaut isn't he mate?”

 

Christian smiled and found himself staring at the wide eyes now looking over at another new person in his life.

“He certainly is,” he agreed, “goodness, what blue eyes.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark.

“Like you Sebi,” smiled Christian.

Sebastian was looking at those eyes too, but he shook his head.

“No they're much brighter blue.”

“Oh I haven't even asked, have you chosen a name?” enquired Christian.

Seb and Mark looked at each other and smiled before looking over at him.

“His mother named him,” explained Seb.

“But we having a bit of a disagreement about pronunciation,” Mark completed.

“Oh?”

Sebastian touched the baby's cheek again.

“Poor little thing. We can't agree. I think it's Teo.”

“And I think it's Theo, because that's actually how you say it,” argued Mark, mostly teasing Seb more than anything else.

Sebastian pulled a face at him and then shook his head.

“We're gonna have to work it out. We can't keep on calling him the baby.”

“It'll make answering the register when he's at school embarrassing for starters,” joked Mark.

Sebastian sighed and looked back to his boss.

“So in a word, no, we've not decided what we're doing about that.”

“Well I'm sure you'll work it out,” Christian offered.

“Preferably before he's up to talking,” noted Mark.

 

The two of them smiled at one another and Christian was tempted to make a joke about him not wanting to have to arbitrate between them as he had once apon a time, long ago when they were squabbling team-mates. God that seemed decades ago. In his wildest dreams Christian could never have imagined sitting here with his two drivers joking over being unable to decide on a name for their baby. Mark and Seb, married with a baby. A family sat opposite him, happy in their home. It was remarkable. Incredible really.

As he smiled over it occurred to Christian that he had been sat here only three years ago feeling even more astonished at seeing them sat together on that very sofa, in the same positions almost, but the circumstances of that day had been so very different. Poor Seb at his lowest ebb. A dreadful day. He could never have guessed then that it would lead to this. Christian wasn't about to bring it up, but he thought it was possible it might actually be three years to the day. It had certainly been on the day of the first meeting of the year which they had been meant to have today. If it _was_ the same day then he suspected Mark and Sebastian were far too preoccupied with the baby to realise. It was far too happy a day today to darken it with those bad memories.

 

“How old is he now then?” he enquired.

Mark looked to Seb as he thought.

“Um, so he was born on New Year's Day.”

“Just,” noted Seb.

“Yeah only just into the new year,” agreed Mark. “By minutes actually. So yeah that's six days.”

Christian sighed and smiled.

“Six days old. Well I never.”

“He was actually due on the twenty-first,” shared Seb. “Our wedding anniversary.”

“Ha, you don't say?”

“Yeah.”

“Well well.”

“All about the anniversaries aren't you mate?” smiled Mark to the baby, thinking he had been born on a pretty important one for them too.

 

“Oh we haven't opened your things,” realised Seb. “Sorry.”

He sat forwards and picked up the card to open it, showing Mark the congratulations inside and the picture of a baby boy in a crib on the front.

“We've got one like that upstairs in our bedroom,” smiled Sebastian.

“Have you? Very nice,” agreed Christian, a corner of his mind still reeling slightly at the reality of it all.

“Thanks a lot mate, very kind,” offered Mark.

“I'm sure you'll have lots more once we let the cat out of the bag at work,” smiled Christian.

Sebastian gave a little tip of the head and stood to put it on the hearth with the card Pauline had brought them. He knew their families were probably sending more, but with them being abroad it would take a while for anything to arrive.

“Thanks,” he added as he sat back down, picking up the gift-wrapped present.

Seb held the shiny wrapped object up in front of the baby.

“Look, this is for you,” he smiled.

The baby's eyes caught the light reflecting off the glossy paper and he vaguely moved an arm escaping from the blanket in its direction.

“Hang on there fella, let Papa open it,” directed Mark.

Sebastian smiled and began unwrapping the gift.

“It's only a little thing I picked up really,” qualified Christian.

 

Mark and Seb laughed as they saw what it was: a teddy-bear dressed in RedBull racing gear.

“Ha, very nice,” smiled Mark. “Say thank you to your Uncle Christian.”

Sebastian held the bear over the baby for him to look at and smiled as the baby seemed to bat at it. Perhaps he ought to check that the toy was suitable for a baby first, but he didn't want to offend his boss. It could always sit on a shelf in the nursery if he was too young to be left alone chewing on it.

“He likes it. Thanks Christian. We haven't got him any toys yet. We've been so busy trying to get him all the stuff we actually need to take care of him.”

“Oh I'm sure you'll be inundated soon enough. I just grabbed it from work. Not the most thought out present I'm afraid.

“No it's very kind. Here you are Liebling, here's a nice teddy for you to cuddle.”

Sebastian tucked the bear into the blanket beside the baby.

“Thanks Christian.”

“No problem. Ha, a teddy for Teddy.”

“Hm?” frowned Seb.

“Teddy. Ted is short for Theo isn't it?” noted Christian.

 

Sebastian looked down at the baby who seemed so taken with his new toy he was staring right at it. The bear was only small but even a small sized one was big next to their child who only measured in inches himself. Seb raised his eyes to see Mark looking at him with a smile.

“Teddy.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah.”

Mark grinned and looked down at the baby.

“Teddy,” he repeated, trying it out for size.

The baby looked up at him and Mark shook his head and laughed again. He raised an eyebrow at Seb.

“Teddy,” smiled Seb. “Hello. I think we just worked out what we're going to call you.”

Mark grinned again and leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“I think we have. Well, whadya know?”

He shifted the baby up a fraction and looked at him.

“Hey there Teddy.”

 

Sat a little way over Christian opened his mouth then closed it again. He couldn't think what to say. The pair on the other sofa were busy smiling at the newly named baby and each other and it seemed rude to intrude, so he waited until Seb finally looked back to him.

“Wow, thanks for that.”

Christian shrugged.

“It just popped into my head,” he admitted. “I wasn't really thinking, well...”

“Good call,” added Mark.

“It suits him. I don't know how, but it just does,” decided Seb.

“Yeah. Teddy Vettel-Webber. There we go. See it's a good job you came mate,” thanked Mark.

“Glad to.”

“Oh we haven't even given you coffee yet,” realised Sebastian. “I'll go make it. Mark do you want one?”

“Wouldn't say no.”

“Right. Hang on then.”

 

Sebastian went to make drinks, bringing them back through a minute later. He put them on the coffee table having succeeded in carrying three mugs at once, then passed one to his boss before taking the baby so Mark could drink his coffee hot for once. They chatted a while longer about little things to do with the baby and their families and how Christmas and New Year had been. Eventually Christian apologised and asked if they would mind if he used their bathroom. As he nipped upstairs Mark and Sebastian looked at one another.

“You reckon then, Teddy?” checked Mark.

“Yeah I think so. I don't know what it is, but it suits him,” concurred Seb. “You don't think it's bad when his mother named him already?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“It'll still be his official name. That way she'll be remembered. He'll always have the name she gave him, but he's ours too. Our Teddy.”

Sebastian smiled. Their baby. Their Teddy. It felt so right.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I think it's okay if it's just his nickname.”

 

Mark nodded and moved the teddy-bear slightly to entertain the baby.

“Unser kleiner Teddybär,” smiled Sebastian.

“Ja,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Poor little thing. He's going to have to learn two languages.”

“Oh well kids pick things up. He'll be fine,” asserted Mark. “Probably give him an advantage in life.”

“I guess.”

“Don't think we need to worry too much about it just yet.”

“It all goes in.”

“Mm, well anyway. Plenty of other stuff we need to sort out ahead of that,” noted Mark. “Actually we should choose some godparents for him.”

Sebastian nodded and frowned as he thought.

“Not family I don't think. I mean they're already something.”

“Okay, sure. I was just thinking Christian might not be a bad bet.”

Seb furrowed his brow as he considered it.

“I guess he has been very supportive of us.”

“He has. That was what I thought,” agreed Mark, then gave Seb a wink. “Doesn't hurt to stay in good books with the boss too.”

“Mark.”

“Hey I'm just saying.”

“I don't want to do it for that reason.”

“Well I think he'd be good at it. He's a responsible sort of person. Might be nice for Teddy to have someone like that to look up to when he's older.”

“Teddy,” smiled Seb again, still getting used to the name. “Yeah okay. Who else?”

“Dunno. What do you reckon? We need a woman to balance it don't we?”

“What about Jess?” Sebastian proposed. “She'd be thrilled to be a godmother you know.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay. Jense'll be jealous though.”

“Well it'll sort of be both of them in a way.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We'd better pull our finger out and actually tell them about all this then.”

“Yeah we should. Okay.”

“Okay then. Well that was easy.”

Sebastian smiled and hitched the baby up a bit in his arms to look at him.

“Hey Teddy I think we're finally getting ourselves organised.”

“Yeah.”

“We should call our families this weekend Liebling, sort out visits and stuff,” asserted Seb. “I feel a bit bad we haven't yet.”

“It'll be fine. They understand sweetheart,” assured Mark.

“Mm, okay.”

“Don't worry about it darling, it'll all work out. Just like this. I'd never have thought of Teddy, but it's all surprises right now.”

“I like these surprises,” agreed Seb.

 

Mark laughed and nodded then let out sigh.

“Ah your coffee will have gone stone-cold,” he noticed. “Shall I go make you a new one and we can swap?”

“Um, yeah okay.”

Mark leaned in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek feeling oddly relieved to have settled on a name for their son. He dipped in further and kissed the baby's little nose and those blue eyes locked on his, blowing him away yet again. The baby pawed out towards his face and Mark laughed as he sat away.

“Daddy'll be right back Teddy,” assured Seb.

“Won't be a minute darling,” added Mark, not entirely sure himself whether he was referring to Seb or the baby. He got up and saw Christian stood paused in the doorway.

“Sorry,” apologised Christian.

“No worries.”

 

Mark smiled to himself as he went to the kitchen. His old boss hadn't quite been able to hide the fact he was still slightly stunned at what he saw. Mark couldn't blame him when if he stopped to think about it all he was pretty stunned himself. He made the coffee and returned to the lounge, putting the drink down before taking back the baby so Seb could have his drink this time. After a minute or two Mark looked to Sebastian and they exchanged a silent conversation before nodding and looking to Christian.

“So mate we thought we'd ask you something,” began Mark.

“Oh? Anything I can do,” offered Christian.

“Well seeing as you've done this favour of helping us find this little fella's name we wondered if you might be interested in a rather bigger role.”

Christian frowned slightly and Mark looked to Seb to hint he should be the one to ask.

“So yeah, Mark and I were wondering if you'd like to be Teddy's godfather?” enquired Sebastian.

Christian's expression suddenly opened up, first in surprise, then more touched than either Seb or Mark had really expected.

“Really?”

“Yeah course mate,” smiled Mark. “You up for that?”

Christian smiled.

“Of course. Well, that's... that's really very kind of you.”

“Well in a way you did sort of bring us together,” noted Mark.

Christian huffed a laugh.

“I'm not sure about that, but thank you. Yes I'd be honoured.”

“Great. No idea when we'll sort that, but we'll get it organised eventually.”

“Whenever. Just let me know.”

“Think you're up for a bit of moral and spiritual guidance?” teased Mark.

“Oh gosh, um, well I'll try.”

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“Just stick a fiver in his birthday card mate, I think that covers it.”

Sebastian tsk'd and shook his head.

“It's not about that. Christian do you want a hold?”

“Of the baby?” checked Christian.

“He doesn't mean the teddy-bear mate,” laughed Mark.

Christian rolled his eyes, but he gave them a nod as Mark took the baby from Seb to pass over to him, checking that he was supporting the baby's head and neck properly.

“Here you go Teddy, this is your Uncle Christian,” introduced Mark before sitting back down on the other sofa.

Christian looked down at the baby.

“Hey Teddy. Nice to meet you,” he greeted.

 

Seb and Mark looked at each other. Teddy. _Bam_. Sometimes these things just happened. Three days ago they'd been sat on this sofa crying over a cartoon and now they had a baby. A baby with a name that they could agree on, even if it was technically just a nickname. They had a godfather lined up too. Life was so unpredictable sometimes it was almost unbelievable, but then sometimes it was all the better for that.

Mark put his arm around Sebastian and squeezed him in for a minute, but even as they pressed into each other they were looking out to be sure Teddy was okay, being safely held, happy. He was due a feed soon. That was their life now. They hadn't even turned on the TV since that call from Rachel. It didn't matter. They had something, some _one_ , that took all their attention now. Teddy. Their son. Their lives had changed forever, and this little surprise was the best one ever.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I hope you're not mad at them for the name (or me, it's really me), but it was always going to be Teddy. Some things like names and events have been fixed in my head right from the start, so I can't change now.


	197. Teddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's late on a Sunday night, so I don't know if anyone's around to read this, but here we are anyway. Next bit...

* * *

  


The days seemed to blur one into the other: a succession of feeds and nappy changes and constantly interrupted sleep. Mark and Sebastian had begun taking it in turns to get little naps, usually in the afternoons, but it was still exhausting. The only genuine element of real structure to their days were based on Teddy's feeds but even they weren't exact. They tried waking in the night to give him his bottle according to the timetable the midwife advised, but half the time Teddy beat them to it and the other half he was usually fussing by the time whoever's turn it was to make the bottle returned with it. In the daytime if Teddy cried in the day or was still asleep they tended to play it a little more by ear, bringing feeds forward a bit or back hoping that was okay.

When the midwife came back to visit again on the Wednesday morning she seemed happy with the baby's progress though and reassured them once again that they didn't need to worry quite so much, so they could at least comfort themselves that they were doing a decent enough job as parents. Rachel had been around as well with more paperwork and brought Laura their social worker to check all was well and neither of them had brought up any issues, so that was something. They mentioned that they had spoken to their teams, but both Rachel and Laura cautioned that it would be wise to wait until the actual application to adopt was underway before releasing any kind of statement.

“I think it's only going to be about me taking leave rather than anything about us adopting per se,” explained Mark.

Rachel nodded.

“Mm, nonetheless I think you'd be best off waiting.”

“Will it cause us problems if it's in the papers?” worried Sebastian.

Rachel paused and looked to Laura.

“Let's just say it would be better to avoid that.”

Mark frowned.

“We really can't entirely control what they write.”

“No I appreciate that, but if you can just at least hold off until the six week point where you can apply to start the adoption process.”

Mark could see how worried Seb looked and spared a hand from where he held Teddy as they sat on the sofa to place his hand on Seb's thigh.

“It's fine. We'll talk to our teams and ask them to wait.”

Sebastian took a deep breath to calm himself. He couldn't bear the idea of them having any problems or god forbid, losing their son.

“We'll do everything we can to protect him. We don't want to give anything to the press we don't have to. It's just Mark has to let the team say why he's not driving this year,” he explained.

“I'll make sure it's only about me. Nothing about Teddy,” vowed Mark.

“And I'll talk to Britta. Ask her to help make sure we control it as best we can. We're not going to talk to anyone about it or anything like that.”

“Make sure you avoid all details,” added Laura.

“We will.”

“I'm sure you will.”

“I think it would be a good idea to run it past us first,” proposed Rachel.

“Okay, that's fine,” agreed Mark. “We'll talk to our teams and make it all clear to them.”

“It's just afterwards the papers probably will print things,” Seb added. “There's only so much even Britta can do to stop them.”

Rachel nodded.

“We understand that. Just as little as possible about Theo.”

Seb nodded, already finding it strange to hear their son referred to by his official name.

Mark gave his thigh a little rub.

“It's fine. We'll be very careful to do all we can to limit things.”

“Okay. Well we've got over a month to sort that out,” assured Rachel.

“It is alright that we're telling some people though right?” Seb checked.

“Of course. I'm sure you're very excited to tell your family and friends.”

“Yeah.”

“Seb's folks are coming this weekend, mine the one after,” Mark informed them.

“Ah well that's nice,” smiled Rachel.

“They're coming a long way aren't they?” Laura noted.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think my mother would have happily walked a couple of continents to meet this little one.”

“I'm sure. Well that'll be nice.”

Mark nodded and Seb did the same as he looked down at Teddy. He did want to show him off to their families, but he did worry a little too about how it was going to go. What was his mother going to think about how they were doing as parents? He couldn't help worrying whether they were doing things right even when the midwife said they were fine.

  


  


  


It still felt like a busy week even though they hadn't actually left the house. On the Thursday morning they received more deliveries and Mark stood in the hallway smiling as he held the baby, watching Sebastian checking over the new pram as if it was a car due to go out for first practice.

“You could just have done and take it into the factory with you tomorrow,” suggested Mark, “get the guys to look it over and add a few upgrades.”

Sebastian stood up from where he'd been squeezing the tyres to make sure they were properly solid and gave Mark a look.

“I just want to be sure it's safe.”

Mark smiled and stepped in closer to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Course, what's the verdict then? Think it's okay?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I think so, not sure it's really got the suspension for the footpaths, but I was thinking we could get a proper running buggy for when he's a bit bigger and that might be alright on them.”

“Sure. Well we can stick to the lanes can't we? The carrier thing ought to turn up soon and we can use that for elsewhere.”

“Mm.”

Mark peered in to see the baby's face as he rested into his chest.

“Whaddya say Teddy? You want to have a try?”

Sebastian lowered the pram hood and undid the poppers to fold the cover out of the way so Mark could lie the baby down in the pram.

“There's the little sleeping bag to go in,” Seb noted.

“We can save that for when we go out.”

Sebastian nodded and they both looked in at Teddy to see if he seemed happy.

“I guess it's pretty much like the crib for him,” observed Sebastian.

“Yeah, apart from the wheels.”

Mark gave the pram a cautious little push back and forth and the baby looked up with wide eyes.

“Feel strange huh buddy?” asked Mark.

The baby naturally said nothing back, but he didn't cry, so Mark took it as approval, particularly when Teddy had been getting far more vocal in the past week as he settled in and got ever so slightly bigger and stronger.

“Do you think we could maybe take him out for a little walk?” wondered Seb. “I think it's a bit warmer this afternoon.”

Mark nodded.

“Sure, why not? We'll wrap him up, just go down the lane a bit.”

“Shall we take the boys?”

“Oh I think we should,” agreed Mark. “They'll be getting the hump at playing second fiddle nowadays.”

Pauline was still taking the dogs out for their walks, as well as helping out around the house, but Shadow and Simba had started to give Mark and Sebastian sad looks and they felt a little guilty for neglecting them.

  


It took another hour before they had fed the baby, changed him, fitted out the pram properly and dressed Teddy in additional layers before wrangling him into his brand-new little snow-suit. Mark smiled as he squeezed the empty feet bits at the end.

“Plenty of room to grow.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Well he'll only be able to wear it for a couple of weeks otherwise.”

“Very sensible darling,” agreed Mark, deciding not to remind Seb that they could quite comfortably afford to buy new ones as they went along. “Right then. We gonna give it a whirl?”

They went out into the hallway where the pram stood waiting. Sebastian carefully placed the baby in, lying him on the opened sleeping bag before doing it up around him, tucking in Teddy's arms even though he wasn't very keen on that. He wriggled a little, then submitted as Seb made sure his little hat stayed in place with the snow-suit hood up over the top and Mark did up the cover and they looked down at him.

“There we go. Snug as a bug in a rug,” announced Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh at the phrase.

“You think he'll be warm enough?”

“Yeah I think he's fine. We on the other hand could probably use some shoes, maybe even coats?”

  


They set about getting themselves ready to go out, pulling on coats, hats and gloves as well as footwear before finally fetching the dogs and collecting their leads. Mark opened the front door and Seb pushed the pram forwards then stopped as the pair of them looked at the lip of the doorframe and the front step that the dogs had just happily jumped over to go run about on the drive. Never before had it appeared as such an obstacle. They looked at one another and Sebastian frowned looking down at their happily settled baby then back at the potentially bumpy route ahead.

“Right,” decided Mark.

He stepped out onto the step and turned around to hold the front of the pram frame, taking its weight as Seb pushed it tentatively forwards.

“Have you got it?”

“I've got it. Come on, it's fine,” encouraged Mark.

Very slowly they carried the pram over the step to place it on the drive-way, actually letting out sighs of relief that they had managed it without disturbing or hurting the baby in any way. They looked in at Teddy to see he was okay, then relaxed.

“Pff, right, okay. Come here boys,” beckoned Mark, fixing on the dog's leads.

Sebastian looked back at the doorstep and flicked on the pram's brakes to go pull the door shut.

“I never thought about that,” he admitted as he looked back at the front doorstep.

“No me neither.”

“How are you meant to do it on your own?”

“Well...” Mark puffed a breath and shrugged. “We'll get better at it. I'm sure if you drive over it slowly it's not so bad.”

“Drive?”

“Um, well you know, push.”

“Hm.”

Mark smiled.

“I dunno darling, it won't be one of us on our own anyway will it? Not for a while at least.”

“No guess not.”

“Right then.” Mark peered into the pram and put both leads into one hand before reaching in to touch the baby's cheek. “Ready for a little adventure?”

 

Sebastian thought Teddy looked even smaller all bundled up in the pram, but he didn't seem unhappy and the early afternoon air, though still sharp in early January, wasn't as cold as it had been and there was a blue sky above that made it pleasant. They set off down the drive, turning left onto the pavement along the lane. It wasn't very wide so Seb pushed the pram along while Mark walked in the road holding both leads. He had already given the dogs a talking to about behaving themselves, but as they set off he gave their leads a little tug to stop them poking their noses into the pram.

“Nice and calm boys,” Mark instructed, “and no trying to run off.”

Seb was more concerned with the baby, every little uneven patch of pavement worrying him as they went over it. Teddy was looking straight up, seeming transfixed by the bright blue sky above and Mark smiled as he looked in.

“Yeah mate, pretty isn't it? Nice day.”

“Do you think we need to put the hood up?”

Mark frowned.

“Why?”

“In case he looks at the sun.”

Mark looked around them, as it was winter the sun was lower in the daytime and even with few clouds it took him a moment to spot it over towards the hill. He shook his head.

“Nah it's over there, he's fine sweetheart.”

“Okay. He's being very good.”

“Course he is. Big day for you isn't it Teddy? Go out into the world, see if you like it.”

“Do you think he's warm enough?”

“I think he's warmer than any of us,” assured Mark. “Nice little set-up there. I wouldn't mind it myself.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“I'm not pushing you about.”

“Shame.”

  


They walked on a little further, both Mark and Sebastian glad to get outside properly for the first time in an age. The lane was the one they usually jogged along and was thankfully very quiet this far out in the countryside. Only once did a car go past requiring Mark to take the dogs up onto the pavement ahead of Seb and the pram. The loud noise didn't go down well with the baby though and he started fussing and crying. Both his parents leaned in, wiping his eyes and stroking over his cheek to soothe him. Seb was tempted to take him out, but it was such a palaver to get him in and he didn't want him getting cold, so he was thankful when after pulling and pushing the pram back and forth a bit, Teddy quietened down.

“There now, he likes that,” observed Mark. “Might have to try that with him in the night when he gets worked up.”

“Mm.” Sebastian frowned. “If he doesn't like car noises he might not be happy in the paddock.”

“Oh that's a long way off. It's just new to him.”

“Hm. I guess we need to buy those special little ear-protectors.”

“Course we will. He'll be fine darling. It's not like we'll be sitting in the garage.”

“No I suppose not.”

They set off walking once more and Seb looked to Mark.

“Do you think you'll come to testing?”

Mark puffed out a breath.

“I dunno. Still seems ages off.”

“Seven weeks.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian looked at the tiny baby and knew it wasn't happening. “It's fine. I'll talk to Christian tomorrow, see which days I'm down for. If he'll agree to make sure they're together I can just do two days, two nights and be right back. You can stay home.”

“Well we can see.”

“I think he'll be too small Mark.”

“Okay.”

 

Mark put both leads into one hand and put an arm around Seb, their heads level as he walked in the road once more.

“It'll be fine darling.”

“I just think it'd be too much. He's not been anywhere yet and it's so hectic at testing.”

“Yeah okay. We'll build him up slowly,” concurred Mark. “Little walks, maybe a trip to the village? Flying abroad might be ambitious yet.”

Sebastian smiled.

“We could go to the coffee shop. Not this week, but maybe next week sometime, after my folks have gone.”

“Sure. That'll be a nice treat.”

“Yeah.” Seb huffed a laugh. “I think they'll get a bit of a surprise when we walk in with him.”

“I'll say. I reckon they'll be thrilled. Well there we go. We can do that.”

“I suppose we'd better get used to telling more people.”

Mark smiled, thinking how excited Jenson and Jessica had been when they had rung them. That was another visit they were due at some point. Seb's folks this weekend, his parents the one after. Teddy was going to have to get used to being passed around a bit.

“Course we will. It's not a secret, not from those close to us. We just need to sort whatever that little announcement the teams want to put out and run it by Rachel then we're fine.”

“I was thinking it would be nice to tell the guys. You know at the team,” commented Sebastian.

Mark chuckled.

“You just want to show him off.”

Sebastian shrugged, but there was a smile creeping onto his cheek.

“Well maybe if we left it until the six weeks?”

Mark looked to him.

“I'm sure if we explained things they wouldn't spill it. No one at either of our teams is going to go to the press.”

“No I spose.”

“It'll be fine sweetheart.”

“Do you think we could take him for a visit?”

“What do you think Christian would say to that?” smiled Mark.

“Oh he can't complain. He's Teddy's godfather. Or he will be.”

“Good point. There we go then.” Mark peered in to Teddy. “Isn't that exciting? All these little treats we're lining up. You wait till you meet your grandmas. They're gonna eat you up.”

Sebastian shook his head, but he knew Mark was right, metaphorically speaking at least. His mother kept ringing, double checking arrangements for when they were due tomorrow evening, staying until Sunday afternoon so his younger brother didn't miss any school. He wondered whether he and Mark would get to hold their son at all over the weekend. During the night probably when they woke for his feeds. Their whole life was now arranged to meet Teddy's regime.

 

“It's going to be so strange going into work tomorrow,” commented Seb as they got further along.

“Yeah.”

“You'll be alright on your own won't you?” Seb checked.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Course,” he leaned in over the baby. “You'll be a good boy for Daddy won't you mate?”

Sebastian smiled at him.

“You can always ring me,” he offered.

Mark shook his head.

“And say what? Come home immediately, the baby's crying.”

Sebastian pouted.

“Well I don't know. You would call me if anything was wrong though?”

“Darling nothing will go wrong. You can trust me to look after him.”

“No of course I can. I just meant if anything happened. I won't switch my phone off.”

“Alright. Of course I would call if there was a problem, a real problem. But there won't be anything. Pauline'll be over to take the dogs out and no doubt stick around a bit, then me and this little guy will get some quality time.”

“Doing what?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. Shoot the breeze, play cards, discuss politics, that kinda thing. Father son stuff.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and Mark chuckled.

“We'll probably just sit on the sofa having a cuddle sweetheart. Not sure I'm up to much more than that on my own.”

“I'll be jealous.”

“Ah well. We can do something together in the afternoon. Something exciting like give him a bath.”

“Oh you'll save that for me?” noted Seb dryly.

“Yep.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

 

They reached a cross-roads and Sebastian reached in and placed his fingers by the baby's cheek.

“He feels a bit cold.”

Mark frowned and did the same.

“Only a little.” He looked at the baby's pink cheeks and touched his little nose. “These are the only bits that are exposed. I'm sure he's fine. You want to turn around?”

“Yeah I think so.”

“Righto. Soon warm up when we get back.”

“Yeah. I suppose it's good for him to get some fresh air,” allowed Seb.

“Course it is. For us too. I was beginning to feel a bit cooped up indoors.”

Seb nodded.

“You want to swap?”

“Sure.”

They switched places as they turned around to walk back the way they had come, Mark pushing the pram, Seb holding onto the dogs, giving them a rub to praise them for being so good. They'd only been gone twenty minutes, hardly made any distance when they usually ran this way in a fraction of the time. At least the weather was good for the time of year. As they walked past the wintry hedgerows and fields beyond them, Seb reflected that they had almost lost touch with the outdoors they usually spent so much time in. It was nice to be back and the baby seemed to be enjoying being outside. His cheeks might be pink, but the midwife had said he would cry if he was unhappy so he couldn't be too cold really.

Sebastian turned and looked to Mark, smiling at how tall he stood pushing the pram, literally so of course and they'd had to adjust the handle so it was a comfortable height for him, but there was something else about the way Mark stood. He looked proud. Proud to be pushing his brand-new son in his brand-new pram, even if they only person around to witness it was Seb.

  


  


 

  


The following morning they both took the chance to drink a genuinely hot mug of tea for once while Pauline held the baby, sitting at the kitchen table with them, chatting about their plans.

“So you're back to work then?” she asked.

“Oh well only for a few hours this morning,” qualified Sebastian.

Pauline looked to Mark.

“Well I'll take the boys out in a moment, have a little spruce about and then get the spare rooms ready.”

“Thank you.”

“And if you need any help Mark while Seb's out?” she added.

Mark smiled.

“Very kind. I'm sure Teddy can fit an extra cuddle into his busy schedule.”

Pauline beamed down at the baby in her arms.

“Best part of my day. Aren't you an angel for your Auntie Pauline?”

  


The baby was currently asleep having had his latest bottle just before she came over and thus made no reply, but he certainly did look angelic asleep like this. If only he had been so angelic through the night when he had chosen to fuss and cry not only just before his feeds, but for nappy changes and in-between.

Mark had offered to take over feeding for the night seeing as Seb was due in work the next day but Sebastian had refused. By around three am he had been starting to regret this. As they took the baby through into the nursery to change on his proper changing table Seb let Mark be the one to go down to make up the bottle while Sebastian picked Teddy up and went to sit in the rocking chair. He moved the chair gently back and forth as he held the baby in his arms. He was changed and wrapped back up in a blanket, but Teddy was still fussing.

“There now Schatz, Daddy's getting your bottle. Won't be a minute,” soothed Seb.

He took in a breath and hitched the baby up a little to hold him with one arm for a moment so he could dry Teddy's cheek before giving him a kiss there and settling him back down.

“Come on now, it's alright. Have some nice warm milk in a minute then you can have a sleep. Please have a sleep Liebling, Papa's tired.”

Sebastian sighed and looked over at the nursery. It wasn't really finished yet, but at least it had the furniture in here now, delivered and put in place by the obliging local company who were no doubt happy to have such a nice big order. They still needed to decorate it properly, add those key details that made it a baby's room, but it was starting to look like a real nursery. Not that Teddy was sleeping in his new cot in here yet, but the floor of their room was no longer as chaotic as it had been and it was so much easier to change him standing up. Seb glanced down to see the baby quieting slightly as he seemed to appreciate that at least he had a clean nappy now.

“There now, that's better.”

Seb lifted him up in his arms to give Teddy another kiss and smiled down at him.

“Good boy. Such a good boy for Papa. I love you so much Liebling. Daddy and Papa love you so much. Everything's okay.”

 

He rocked the chair back and forth to soothe the baby, feeling it soothe himself and accidentally let his eyes close before forcing them back open. Damn, he nearly fell asleep then. Sebastian took in a deep inhale of air to send oxygen to his brain. The baby was looking sleepy too which was typical now that Mark was making him a bottle. Seb looked out of the window to the dark garden beyond. It was a nice view when it was daylight. They needed to get some curtains in a nice pale yellow to match the painted walls. Seb had looked online but he didn't think those he'd found so far looked thick enough to block out sunlight for when the baby needed naps. Perhaps they should get a blind in here as well?

“Alright there?”

Sebastian turned his head to see Mark walking in with the bottle.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Wanna come through?”

Sebastian nodded and managed to stand up which was easier said than done when holding a tiny baby getting up from a chair that rocked back. They went through to their bedroom and climbed into bed, propping themselves up with pillows to take turns holding Teddy to feed him. Seb had another pillow supporting his arm as he held him, but though that kept his left arm in place ensuring Teddy was safely held at the correct angle, Seb's right arm holding the bottle dropped and Mark turned to see Sebastian's chin sag as his eyelids drooped. He reached over and took hold of Seb's wrist to lift the bottle away from Teddy's mouth so it didn't let bubbles in.

“Sweetheart.”

“Huh?”

Sebastian blinked at him and Mark shook his head.

“You're dropping off, literally. Pass him over.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“It's alright. Come here little fella.”

Mark took the baby into his arms. Seb waited then passed over the spare pillow to tuck it under Mark's elbow before giving him the bottle.

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's fine. I think when you're out tomorrow, me and this little guy might fit in a nice nap.”

“Okay.”

“Get some kip darling.”

Sebastian nearly protested, but he really couldn't keep his eyes open so he gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you Liebling. I love you.”

Mark smiled.

“Love you too darling.”

As Seb shuffled down into bed next to him Mark looked down at the baby and smiled at him.

“Yeah you too little man, love you too.”

Sebastian smiled against the pillow then promptly fell asleep.  


  


 

  


Next morning in the kitchen Seb was thinking how he could do with rather more of that sleep seeing as once Mark had finished feeding Teddy, winded him and put him down, it seemed the alarm was going off again and they were awake once more, Seb insisting on taking his turn to traipse down to the kitchen for a fresh bottle. It never ended. They didn't resent it, but Seb had already been looking in the baby books to see when babies ought to be able to go slightly longer between feeds and they might be able to get more than forty winks in a row.

  


He looked up at the clock in the kitchen that his guys had made him last Christmas and Seb was reminded in both ways that he had to make a move. He stood up and rinsed his mug, then looked to the others.

“Right, I have to go.”

Mark finished his own tea and stood as well. Seb took the baby back from Pauline and gave him a last cuddle, then passed him to Mark while he got ready to go out. A moment later he was stood in the hall, keys in hand.

“Okay so I'll try not to be too long.”

“It's fine.”

“I should be back for lunch, maybe a slightly later lunch.”

“No problem. We'll be fine, won't we kiddo?”

Sebastian pouted and looked at Teddy, then up at Mark.

“It feels really strange. I don't like leaving him.”

“I'm here.”

“I know. I just don't like the idea of being apart.”

“Just a couple of hours. It'll soon pass.”

“I guess. I know you'll be fine. I'll just miss you.”

“Miss me or him?” teased Mark.

“Both of you. I just like us all being together.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“Soon be back. It'll probably feel like a rest: No crying, no dead arms from holding him too long.”

Sebastian scrunched his face and shrugged.

“I'll miss that anyway.”

“No dirty nappies,” noted Mark.

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah okay I won't miss that.”

“There you go then. Few hours break and we'll see you soon. Say hi to Christian and everyone for me.”

“I will.”

Sebastian took a deep breath then nodded decisively. He stretched up to give Mark a kiss, then kissed Teddy on the cheek.

“Bye then.”

Mark smiled at the way Seb made it sound as if he was leaving the country, not driving half an hour away for the morning.

“Bye darling. See you soon.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian forced himself to open the front door and Mark stepped forwards.

“Don't let him get cold,” Seb warned.

“I won't.”

Seb didn't want to argue and the baby was wrapped in a blanket with one of his little fleecy hats on, so he supposed he'd be okay for a minute. He said goodbye again, then stepped outside, turning half-way across the drive to give Mark and the baby a wave. Mark hitched Teddy up and held him in one arm to move his little hand where it poked out of the blanket.

“Bye Papa.”

Sebastian smiled at seeing Mark make the baby wave goodbye and waved again, but as he turned to open the car door he felt worse about leaving. It felt wrong. He climbed in and put the key in the ignition to start the car, then pressed the button to put the window down. Seb thought he should shout over to tell Mark to take the baby inside, but he wanted to see them for as long as possible, so Seb just waved and gave them a smile as he backed the car out of the drive onto the lane. He gave them one last look before turning the wheel to set off, feeling stupidly as though he might start crying at any moment.

  


 

 

  


By the time he reached the factory Seb had mostly talked himself out of being silly about being apart from his family for a few hours. He just needed to focus on work and he'd be fine. Sebastian parked up and switched the engine off and the cheery music he had put on to lift his spirits cut off as well. Time to go to work.

 

He had come in early to get a chat with his boss, theoretically it was meant to be about the new season and the team's plans, though as Sebastian sat in Christian's office what he was mostly doing was showing him pictures of Teddy. Christian smiled as he was shown them, thinking how nice it was to see Seb happy like this.

“He looks so cute in this one,” commented Sebastian.

Christian looked at a shot of Mark holding the baby wrapped up in a towel and nodded, hoping Seb was referring to the baby and not his husband. He had to admit it was a sweet picture. Seb gazed at the picture for moment, then swiped on to another one of the two of them with the baby.

“Very nice,” agreed Christian. “So you're going to get a word with Britta?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian finally put the phone away and switched back into work mode.

“Oh um, we were talking about testing,” he picked up.

“Ah yes. Will Mark be coming? You might need to speak to logistics about your needs for the baby.”

“Actually I don't think so. He's still so small, Teddy that is. I think it'll probably just be me.”

“Oh okay.”

“So I was hoping it might be possible to have days together? That way I can fly in the night before, leave the evening when I'm done. It'd just be two nights, two days then. I thought about flying in on the morning really early, but I think I'd be too tired.”

Christian nodded. He didn't comment that Sebastian looked pretty tired already.

“I'll have a word. I don't see why that should be a problem.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate it.” Seb paused. “I am still committed you know Christian.”

“Of course. Seb it's fine. No reason we can't make a few tweaks to your schedule here and there to make life easier. You know how easy-going Dan is, I can't imagine he'll object.”

“No. Well I'll thank him.”

Christian nodded.

“Have you told him yet? About your new addition?”

“Oh, no. We've hardly told anyone outside our families. I guess once we've sorted out what we're saying about it.”

“Don't want gossip?” presumed Christian.

“It's just a bit difficult. We need to wait until after we've started the proper application for adoption before we can say anything publicly and with Mark too, we don't want to complicate things with Porsche.”

“It's fine Seb. We'll keep it internal. I'm sure Britta will be on the case already.”

“I'm sure.”

“Well, do you want to get on then? The meeting is in the main conference room downstairs.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Ten, right?”

“Thereabouts. Yes.”

“Okay. Well I'll see you in a bit.”

  


Sebastian thanked his boss and moved on to Britta's office. He was almost surprised by the hug she gave him and had no time to ask her how she had enjoyed her winter break before he was explaining all that had happened and showing off the photographs once again. Britta smiled and shook her head.

“Ah look at Mark. I'd never have imagined it.”

“He's so good with him.”

“I'm sure. Well, I guess we should get to work.”

“Yep.”

 

Britta ran though all she had been working on, the discussion she'd had with her counterparts at Porsche and her thoughts on the media.

“So we need to wait six weeks,” Seb explained. “Well, six weeks from when he was born.”

“Right. So that's?”

“Um.”

Britta pulled round her diary and they worked it out.

“Okay, so the twelfth,” she stated.

“Yeah but that's a Sunday, so I'm guessing Monday we can get going with Rachel.”

“After that then?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“And I need to clear it with her what we're saying. If that's okay?”

“Of course that's okay Seb. Whatever you need.”

Sebastian let out a long breath. Even thinking about this was making him stressed. He didn't want to consider any kind of problems they might have. Britta read his expression.

“It'll be fine. I can come to the house to meet her, whatever you need.”

“Thank you. Basically we want to keep any details about Teddy out of the media,” Seb explained. “It's really important that we protect him.”

“We will,” Britta assured calmly. “We don't need to give them anything about that. We don't even have to mention him.”

“Oh? What would we do then?” wondered Seb.

“Basically you have two choices; the plain statement from Porsche saying Mark will be taking a year out for family reasons and then a bit about whoever they've got covering him this season and then from us, well, essentially we can actually say nothing and just let word get out on its own as it no doubt will, or we can do a little piece offering the team's congratulations.”

Sebastian puffed a breath thinking about what Mark had told him after he had spoken with his own team earlier in the week.

“Mark's said he's told Porsche he wants their statement to say he's taking paternity leave.”

“Right.”

“I think it's kind of important it's put that way so people don't think it's that we've got a problem. He's taking official leave that he's entitled to.”

“Of course Seb.”

“It's just we want people to know that, just in case, well...” Sebastian sighed. “We don't want Porsche to have any legal room to pretend they just gave him time off as a favour or that he's not committed. He's taking proper leave so they have to keep his seat open for him to come back to.”

Britta nodded.

“Right. I understand.”

“Yeah?”

“Course Seb.” She gave him a smile. “It's the sort of thing women have had to fight for too you know.”

“Right. Of course.”

“I'm just saying I understand why Mark wants to be sure the rules are followed. You've got to stick to your guns a bit.”

“Yeah. I mean they're being fine with him, it's just, well I guess we're a bit paranoid.”

“I'd call it careful,” concurred Britta. “Nothing wrong with that. Okay, so Porsche's statement will say Mark is taking parental or paternity leave this year, however Mark wants to phrase it. And us? What do you want?”

 

Seb puffed a breath and rubbed at his jaw where the stubble had pretty much become a beard he'd had so little time to deal with it.

“Umm, gosh I don't know. I'd rather not say anything, but do you think it's better to put something out to go with the Porsche statement?”

“Maybe. There is an element of controlling the story. I'm gonna go out on a limb and presume you won't want to be doing any interviews about it.”

Seb gave her a look and Britta laughed.

“Thought not.”

“I want to make it totally clear from the start that I won't be talking about my family. I mean at all. I know that might sound snotty to some of them, but it's personal.”

“Of course it is Seb. That's fine.”

“And it's more complicated because we're going through the adoption process. We have to protect him.”

“I understand. Look I'll speak to legal and see what we can do to protect your privacy.”

“I don't want them to be able to take photos of him.”

“Okay. Well I'll see what we can arrange. I'm pretty sure we can set up legal protections, but there will always be those who try to sneak pictures if you're in the paddock.”

Sebastian sighed. He knew they would be taking a risk bringing Teddy to circuits, but the idea of being parted for so much of the year just seemed too much.

“That's just the public,” noted Britta, “As for the press, I'll do what I can to forewarn them and the legal measures will help, but beyond Europe and the reputable organisations there is a bit of risk.”

“Hmm.”

“More outside of the paddock than in it. They'd know they were risking their access passes.”

“Oh, yeah I guess.”

“So we'll have a think about places you might be vulnerable, mostly I'd guess arriving and leaving hotels, that kind of thing.”

Sebastian nodded. It was so much to take in. He hated the idea of paparazzi pointing cameras at their baby. They had to protect him.

“Maybe we could get the car to take us to the back exits?” he suggested.

“Mm, that kind of thing. I'll think on it, don't worry.”

“Okay.” Sebastian puffed out a long breath. “I'm still not sure about an announcement. What would it say?”

Britta gave a little shrug.

“Whatever you like. Something along the lines of 'RedBull racing would like to offer their congratulations to its driver Sebastian Vettel-Webber and his husband Mark as they welcome their son to the family.'”

Sebastian frowned.

“Hm, I dunno. I think I'd prefer we don't even give them that much.”

“We don't have to do a formal statement. We could just put out a tweet. That'll get picked up just as much.”

“A tweet?”

“Mm, something really short to coincide with Porsche's statement. Just saying congratulations to you both. We don't even have to specify why.”

“I think that might be better. I think it'd be better not to mention any specifics about Teddy, not even saying it's a boy we're adopting. Would a tweet be enough to cover it without a statement do you think?”

Britta shrugged.

“Attention on F1 is pretty low this time of year, but it would get picked up. I'd be right onto my contacts to make sure they knew not to bother you if they knew what was good for them.”

Sebastian smiled.

“That sounds threatening.”

“Well I'll say it nicely.”

“Okay. I think, hmm, it's tricky. I do sort of want it to be known we're adopting, but I don't want them to dig into any of that.”

“Alright, well I could drop that in when I speak directly with people and say that's behind the legal reasons they need to stay clear. The decent ones at least ought to respect that.”

“You think they will?”

“They're not all monsters Seb.”

“No I know. I've just had bad experiences.”

Britta nodded.

“I know. But unkind as it may be, most papers will consider you as a driver to be fair game. A baby is a different matter. I'll make things very clear to them, go right to the top, and we can make sure legal come down like a tonne of bricks on anyone who tries anything.”

“Okay. Yeah, I think that sounds better. I'll talk to Mark this afternoon.”

“Right. Maybe give me a quick ring next week then I can get things going? When I spoke to Porsche they were working on their preparations for who will be driving in Mark's place for the season.”

Sebastian nodded. They wanted to stay on the right side of Porsche too.

“Yep. I'll ring you back when we've had a talk about it. Thank you Britta. I really appreciate your help. I know it's sort of outside your remit.”

Britta gave a shake of her head.

“It's all my job. Just so long as I'm not on babysitting duty too.”

Sebastian smiled.

“He's very cute you know.”

“I've seen and I look forward to meeting him. Are you going to bring Teddy in some time?”

“Actually we were talking about that. At some point yeah. I'll let you know.”

“That'll be nice.”

“Good, okay then.” Seb checked his watch. “Oh god I've got to run. Thank you Britta.”

“No problem.”

  


 

Sebastian rushed off to join the meeting downstairs. The room was all prepared with the large screen at the front and the engineers with all their laptops around a big conference table. Christian was just getting himself ready at the front while most of the rest were getting themselves a coffee from the refreshments set up on a long narrow table to the side. He saw Daniel and went over to exchange greetings, getting a hearty hug as his team-mate said hello.

“You had a good holiday?” checked Seb.

“Bonza mate.”

Sebastian grinned and shook his head at the phrase.

“Been back home then?”

“Yep. Making sure my Aussie-ness doesn't wear off.”

“I don't think that would be possible.”

“What about you mate? You look as though you've been burning the candle at both ends.”

“Do I? Ah, well, yeah...”

Sebastian paused, wondering if he really ought to have told Dan about their big news.

“If you could find your seats folks?” prompted Christian.

Seb just gave Dan a nod and took his black coffee over to the table ready to begin the meeting. Perhaps they could get a chat at the end? Surely Daniel could hold his tongue for just a few days until they officially spread the word?

  


Christian began the meeting, officially welcoming people to the start of the new season despite the fact he had seen the engineers and many other team members in work here for a week and a half now. Sebastian looked over all his notes and listened as people took time talking through their preparations and plans for the coming weeks going into testing. He felt a little behind as he hadn't even done his seat fitting yet. That would have to wait until next week. Seb thought about Mark saying how the baby-seat was like the one they had in the cockpit. They hadn't even taken him out in the car since they brought Teddy home from the hospital. He wondered how they were getting on at home. Seb had checked his phone on his way over from Britta's office, but there were no messages, so they had to be fine. Maybe Mark was taking that nap? He could do with one himself.

Now they were sat down with the meeting in progress the room warmed up and Sebastian felt tiredness creeping over him. He usually prided himself on getting stuck into understanding all the details and with the changes in regulations there was a lot to follow. It would be interesting to see the new car, hopefully at least in some form when he came for the seat fitting and he could get a good chat with the guys. Adrian was talking about how the width of the wheels affected air-flow and as Sebastian stared at the pictures on the big screen at the front the quiet steady tones of the technical mastermind stood expanding on it all seemed to go in waves over him. His eyelids flickered shut for a second and Seb forced them open. Damn. He took a gulp of now cold coffee and refocussed.

 

Twenty minutes later another of the engineers was expounding on his own area of expertise and Sebastian was struggling. God he was tired. Seb wondered how much sleep he'd really had if you added up everything from the last ten days. Not much even when you included the naps they'd managed. Broken sleep like that never seemed to reach the same places as a nice eight hour stretch. God, _eight hours_. Seb could hardly remember getting a full night's sleep. It seemed aeons ago even though it was only a week and a half back. If he'd had any idea what was coming Seb thought he would have stocked up more of those lie-ins. He needed a fresh coffee, this one was disgusting now. If only there were windows in this room you could open up to let some fresh air in.

 

Across the table Daniel grinned as he saw Sebastian's eyes fall shut, then open, then shut again. It was like in school when some kid had been up all night doing a late piece of homework. He wondered if Seb had been studying for this meeting. Dan wouldn't put it past him. He did look tired. Daniel thought about scrunching up a bit of paper and flicking it over the table at Seb to wake him up.

Daniel grinning was hardly unusual, so nobody paid him any attention as they focussed on the talk from the front, but Christian looked down the table and caught sight of Sebastian, seeing how heavy his eyes looked before clocking the way his head sagged. Then when his eyes closed this time Christian realised that Seb had actually fallen asleep. Christian glanced to Daniel sat opposite his team-mate and gave a tiny shake of his head as Dan looked as though he might lose the battle to stop himself laughing in much the same way as Seb had lost the battle not to drop off.

Thankfully the current speaker was just finishing up so Christian turned to him from where he sat near the front.

“Excellent work, thank you. I'm sure we'll all be interested to see how those changes affect air-flow in the wind tunnel. Right, well I think now would be a good time to take a break.”

 

The engineer went back to his place and Christian shot up, going around to where Sebastian was now more obviously slumping forwards.

“Was I that boring?” frowned the engineer as he spotted what everybody else had now.

Christian looked to see the whole roomful staring.

“Ah, no. You'll have to forgive Seb. There's a good explanation I promise,” apologised Christian on his behalf.

He ducked down beside Sebastian and put a hand on his arm.

“Sebi.”

Sebastian's head moved slightly and Christian couldn't help smiling. He looked out to the rest.

“Grab yourselves some coffee,” he instructed.

“Looks like he needs one more than us,” joked one.

“Yeah,” agreed Christian. “He really does. Seb. _Seb_.”

He shook his shoulder and Sebastian's head jolted up, his eyes going wide and then blinking rapidly. Seb took a moment to work out where he was, then turned to Christian still crouched beside him. Most of the rest had got up to get themselves a coffee, politely not wanting to make things more awkward, but Sebastian looked around as he orientated himself.

“Oh my god.”

Seb rubbed both hands over his face trying to wake himself properly. Then looked to his boss.

“Oh god. Christian I'm so sorry.”

“It's alright.”

Sebastian looked to see the others milling about and closed his eyes in embarrassment rather than tiredness now.

“Oh hell. Did I fall asleep?” he checked.

Christian nodded and Seb pulled a face.

“Damn. I'm so sorry Christian.”

“It's okay. It was only for a moment. I'll get you a coffee. Black, yeah?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

 

Sebastian put his elbows on the table and sank his face into his hands, rubbing his face into them before Christian came back over and took the seat next to him. He put the steaming coffee in front of Seb and put his hand on his shoulder again. Seb took a deep breath and looked at his boss.

“I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to.”

“Of course not. It's okay. I understand. Not much sleep last night?”

“Last night, all week. Teddy's worked out how to cry properly.”

“Ah.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and was sure everyone was looking at him.

“I should apologise.”

“Have some coffee. It's alright. We were due a break anyway.”

Sebastian nodded and drank the coffee feeling as though he'd quite like it if the ground could open up and swallow him. He'd actually fallen asleep in a meeting. Right in front of all the most important people in the team. Small mercies neither Helmut nor Dietrich were here for such a technical session. He had to apologise for being so disrespectful. Damn.

 

Christian got up and fetched himself a coffee, giving the milling team-members a few subtle shakes of the head to prevent their enquiring anything. Daniel stood by him and gave a tip of his head towards where Sebastian sat still drinking coffee.

“He alright?” Daniel enquired quietly.

Christian nodded.

“He's just knackered.”

Daniel gave one of his rare frowns.

“What's going on?”

Christian opened his mouth then closed it and shook his head.

“Good reasons,” he offered vaguely.

  


A couple of feet away Sebastian downed the rest of his coffee and tried to properly wake himself up before pushing himself up out of his seat. Everyone seemed to be looking at him and Seb felt awful.

“Guys I'm so sorry. I can't believe I just did that,” he apologised.

“Seb it's okay,” assured Christian. “Really it was just a momentary aberration. It's fine.”

Sebastian ran a hand through his hair and looked at him. He had to explain or lord only knew what people would think of him. He perched on the backrest of the chair and exchanged a look with his boss, then addressed the group.

“Um, okay, so I guess, um I should explain,” he began awkwardly.

Sebastian had had no intention of making a big announcement, but the alternative was letting people think badly of him and he didn't think he could go through the rest of the meeting with people looking at him like that. He could trust them to keep it to themselves, surely?

“So um, yeah, I'm really sorry, but I've just had no sleep lately. I mean like _no_ sleep.”

Seb glanced at Daniel and was half-convinced he was about to make a joke about him partying or worse, so he forced himself on, trying to think what to say.

“Um, I guess I should tell you.” Sebastian took in a breath. “Okay, so Mark and I, we're adopting a baby boy and we just got him last week.”

 

Everyone was staring even more now and Sebastian ended up smiling as he saw Daniel's mouth fall open.

“A baby?” Dan gaped.

“Yep. A baby. We brought him home from the hospital just over a week ago and he's really tiny so we're up all through the night looking after him. So yeah that's why I'm knackered. I'm really sorry I just made a fool of myself like that.”

The silence in the room was suddenly broken as people started taking steps in to offer congratulation and surprise. Daniel came up and shook his head as he patted Seb's arm.

“Bloody hell mate, you know how to keep a secret. A baby? Blimey.”

“Yeah, um a surprise to us too actually,” admitted Sebastian, still half addressing everyone. “I mean obviously we were trying to adopt, but the call came out of the blue and yeah we just brought him home.”

“A little boy?” asked Adrian.

“Yeah. His name's Teddy. He's amazing.”

“Well I never.”

“Got a picture?” asked someone else.

 

Sebastian sent a look to Christian, then huffed a laugh and got his phone out to pull up a nice photograph, letting it be passed around as everyone wanted to see the evidence. There were more congratulations and comments and Sebastian felt a little embarrassed again at all the attention, but thrilled and strangely proud at the same time.

“He's a tiny one,” observed one of the female engineers.

“Yeah. Bit premature, but he's okay, just a bit small.”

“How old is he?”

“Um two weeks on Sunday, but he wasn't actually due for another week after that so that's why he's so tiny. And that's why we're up with him the whole time. He needs a lot of looking after.”

“Crikey mate I'm amazed you're awake at all. Give us another look,” said Dan, reaching out to claim the phone again. He smiled and shook his head at the shot of Seb, Mark and Teddy together. “Cute little guy.”

“Yeah he's beautiful,” agreed Sebastian.

Daniel smiled even wider at seeing how happy he plainly was.

“Ah well, as excuses go I reckon that's a pretty good one.”

Sebastian took the phone back and shook his head as he looked to the assembled group.

“I'm really so sorry everybody.”

“I just thought it was a judgement on my public speaking skills,” commented the engineer who had been speaking.

“Oh no really. And last night was worse than before. It felt like we hardly got more than an hour or two.”

Christian took a deep breath and spoke up.

“I'm sure everyone understands.”

There was a murmur of approval and Sebastian thanked them.

“Well I might get an extra coffee.”

 

He got up and went over to the refreshments table while the rest of the room continued to talk. Christian came to stand by him.

“You're alright to carry on? I did mention you're entitled to some leave and I'm pretty sure this is the reason.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No I'll be fine. I promise I won't do it again.”

“I didn't mean that. I meant if you need to go home and rest?”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Don't take it the wrong way if I say I'm getting more rest here.”

Christian laughed and nodded.

“I didn't really mean to tell people like that,” Seb admitted, “I just thought I had to explain.”

Christian nodded again.

“Did you sort things out with Britta?”

“Almost. I just need to chat with Mark and I guess agree stuff. She said she'll talk to Porsche next week, but we're really going to need to make sure nothing gets out until we go public.”

“Right, so okay. I'll say something then.”

Sebastian nearly said he didn't need to. He didn't want to seem weird about it and make the team think he didn't trust them but he didn't want to derail how carefully they were planning sharing their news and that was more important than anything else. Christian hinted to get people back in their seats and as they did so Christian spoke up.

 

“So, well that would be another bit of a development for the new year and officially congratulations Sebi and to Mark of course.” He looked out at the group now sat down. “I think there's going to be something going out about it in a few weeks, but until then I would really appreciate it if you could treat this as privileged information.”

He looked to Seb who nodded and looked around at the assembled group.

“Yeah sorry, it's pretty complicated with us adopting and stuff,” he explained. “There's legal stuff with his privacy, so we have to be really careful.”

There was a selection of nods and Sebastian thought he was lucky that this was a group who were well used to keeping team secrets. Daniel gave him a wink and tapped the side of his sizeable nose.

“Top secret mate, you can trust us.”

“Thanks. Just till we sort things out.”

“Won't be an issue,” asserted Christian confidently. “Now then, who's up next?”

“And I promise my full attention,” joked Seb, making the room laugh.

  


  


As the meeting broke up Sebastian politely accepted more congratulations and assurances that they would keep his little announcement to themselves and Seb thanked people as they started to leave. Daniel came up and shook his head, smiling before pulling Seb into a bear hug.

“I cannot believe you kept that under wraps,” he grinned. “Seriously. I'm telling you all my secrets from now on.”

Seb smiled back.

“Thanks.”

“Although I don't really have any secrets,” admitted Dan. “I'm a boringly open book unfortunately.”

“Ah well. This, I mean it's not like we want to hide it, it's just complicated.”

“Sure,” agreed Dan more sensibly.

“You know with Teddy being adopted and with Mark.”

“What with Mark?”

“Ah, um.” Seb looked around to be sure the room was emptying. “Well this is something you really need to keep to yourself too.”

“Hey mate I've kept my abnormally-sized gob shut before haven't I?”

“Of course. Yeah thanks. Sorry if I sound paranoid.”

“Nah mate, big deal isn't it?”

“Yeah it is. It's huge. Okay, so, well Mark is taking a year out to look after the baby. Paternity leave.”

“From Porsche?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

Daniel looked possibly more shocked than he had at the news they had a baby.

“So we're still sorting that out,” continued Seb.

“He's taking a year out from racing?”

“Yeah.”

“Crikey.”

“It was his idea,” Seb added, wondering why he felt suddenly defensive.

“No course. That's great. Wow you guys are really going for it.”

“Course we are. This is our family. We've wanted this for a long long time. You wouldn't believe how hard it's been.”

Daniel's expression softened and he put a hand on Seb's arm.

“Of course mate. That's great. I'm really very pleased for you. Give us another look at the little fella.”

Sebastian smiled at him using the same phrase as Mark. He took his phone out and showed a few photos to his team-mate who smiled and shook his head.

“Wow, well that's great. He's a lovely looking little guy.”

 

Seb looked at the picture he was currently showing him. Teddy in Mark's arms, held at an angle because their mothers kept asking for pictures that showed the baby's face properly. Daniel was peering in at it too.

“Blue eyes,” noted Dan.

“Yeah. Mark says he looks a bit like me.”

Daniel laughed and patted his arm.

“Nah mate, he's much better looking.”

“Thanks,” smiled Seb. “Anyway, I was going to tell you, sorry.”

“No worries. You've got enough on your plate by the sounds of it. So is Mark on babysitting duty this morning?”

“I don't think you can call it babysitting when you're the parent, but yes he's looking after Teddy.”

“Well good luck to you.”

“Thanks.”

“Hopefully I'll get to meet him soon maybe?” prompted Dan.

“Um yeah. I was thinking of bringing him in to say hello at some point.”

“Ah right. Yeah let me know. I'd love to be there.”

“Okay sure.”

“Oh and you know if you're looking for a godfather...”

“Ah.”

“I'm a good pick,” grinned Daniel. “I have excellent taste in music and I have good Aussie credentials.”

“Um well we kind of filled that role already,” admitted Seb.

Daniel saw the glance over to Christian still consulting with Adrian as they tidied up. He coughed a laugh and shook his head.

“The boss. Nice. That is top level sucking-up right there.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“We're not sucking-up. Christian's been a big help to us.”

“Ah I'm only joshing mate, no worries. I can be godfather for nipper number two.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I think we've got our hands full with one for now.”

“Ah well. Right, I'd better get on. You dashing off?”

“Yeah.”

“Daddy duties.”

“Mark's Daddy. I'm Papa.”

“Oh jeez, that might be the cutest thing I ever heard,” laughed Daniel.

“That's what Jenson said.”

“Oh you told him?”

“Jess is godmother.”

“Ah. Well let us know when the cat's out of the bag and until then I'll keep schtum.”

“Sorry to sound paranoid about it.”

“It's fine.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh and say congrats to Mark too will you? He looks right at home holding that little guy.”

“I will. Thanks Dan.”

 

Daniel gave a nod to the others and left the room. Sebastian waited and got another lot of congratulations from Adrian before he was alone with his boss. He sighed and shook his head at Christian.

“Well that wasn't meant to happen.”

Christian smiled.

“Such is life. I did ask about you taking time off.”

“I know. Sorry, I just didn't want to miss out and you delayed the meeting specially.”

“Yeah well, never mind. Really Sebi you'd only just dropped off before I woke you.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I'm so embarrassed. I'd never disrespect people like that.”

“Seb stop worrying. It's fine. They understand now don't they?”

“Guess so.”

“They won't say anything.”

Sebastian nodded. He understood that these people kept bigger secrets than this and seeing as they had specifically asked them not to he had to trust they wouldn't, but it was a sterling piece of gossip and all it took was one person saying to another colleague that they wouldn't believe what had just happened and as Dan liked to put it, the cat was out of the bag. He didn't want to think what the consequences of that might be.

  


  


Before heading home Sebastian called back in at Britta's office and explained what had happened in the meeting. She bit her lip, clearly trying not to laugh and Sebastian shook his head.

“Honestly, I'm so embarrassed.”

“Ah well, water under the bridge I'm sure.”

“Yeah. Anyway I thought I'd better mention it, just in case. I mean Christian asked people not to mention it to anyone.”

“Right.”

“I mean us adopting, not me falling asleep. Though I'd be relieved if no one heard about that either.”

“Mm, well I'm sure they understand.”

“Yeah hopefully. Anyway I don't want to say I don't trust them because I do, it's just, well I thought I ought to give you the heads up, just in case.”

“Sure. Well it is a good bit of gossip if I'm honest Seb, but I should think we'll survive. Everyone who works here is used to keeping information to themselves.”

“Yeah. I'll talk to Mark and we'll get back to you. I think we need to talk to Rachel too.”

“Rachel?”

“Our case worker. We need to run it by her,” Seb explained.

“Ah you did say, that's fine. Just let me know. Don't be worrying Seb.”

“Okay thanks. Well I'd better get back. I'll see you soon.”

“Sure. Bye then.”

“Bye.”

 

Sebastian walked out of the building and out into the nice refreshing cold air. He took in a deep breath and resolved to drive home with a window down, just in case.

  


  


  


 

“Oh my god you didn't?”

Sebastian pouted as Mark laughed.

“It's not funny,” Seb protested.

“Oh sweetheart it is.”

Sebastian pouted even more and looked down to the baby now in his arms as they sat in the lounge.

“Your daddy is very mean.”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“I'm not mean.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“I was so embarrassed. I can't believe I did that.”

“Ah well. If it had been me I probably wouldn't have lasted five minutes.”

Seb sighed.

“And I had to tell them.”

“Yeah course you did. Don't worry about it darling.”

“Are you sure?”

“Course. Can't keep this under our hat for long from people around us. If a few people gossip about it in the engineering department this afternoon I don't imagine it'll go global within an hour.”

Seb looked at him.

“It might.”

“Darling I don't think they'd dare. Their jobs are the sort that rely on discretion. Wouldn't look good if they spilled about this.”

“No I suppose. I'll feel better when it's done.”

“Me too. Look there's no point worrying ourselves into a hole about it. We'll be alright. We'll work out a plan with our teams and Rachel and it'll be six weeks before we know it.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded.

“Other than that, how was it? All okay?” asked Mark wanting to move Seb on from fretting.

“Yeah, just stuff with the new regs. The stuff I was awake for anyway.”

Mark smiled and fitted his arm around him.

“Ah well, plenty of time to go over things.”

“Yeah I suppose so,” accepted Seb. “Anyway how did you get on?”

“Good. No nappy changing disasters, he's had his lunch and we had a nice nap after Pauline left.”

“I'm jealous again,” commented Seb thinking it was typical that Teddy was being so good now when he had kept them up most of the night.

Mark leaned more into him.

“You can have your nap this afternoon. Maybe we can all have a little nap?”

“Oh god, and then my family are arriving,” remembered Seb.

“Not until about seven o'clock. Plenty of time and the redoubtable Pauline has made sure the place is all ready.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thank heavens.”

“Indeed. Oh and I did an online order of food and stuff, so that should turn up between five and six.”

“Wow, you're organised,” praised Seb.

“Not that organised. I let him sleep for an extra ten minutes while I got the laptop out.”

“Ah. Still impressive.”

“I thought it would be nice to actually feed your parents and not let them think we aren't coping. Though actually Pauline brought us a casserole so we don't have to worry about dinner. We're stocked up for the weekend now so we should be fine.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

 

Sebastian reached up slightly to give Mark a kiss on the cheek and Mark smiled.

“No problem. Now then, next time are you going to agree to me doing night duty when you're in work the next day?”

Sebastian squished his face.

“I guess,” he conceded.

“You'd better. It's all very well you falling asleep at a desk, but I'm not having you tired behind the wheel even if it is driving to Milton Keynes, not a racetrack.”

“Yeah okay. Thank you.”

Mark removed his arm and turned slightly as he went to get up.

“No doubt you'll still get woken up, but it's something.”

“It's a lot Liebling and I really appreciate it.”

“Okay well not too many of them just yet. When are you back in?”

“Next Thursday.”

“Fine. Lunch then?”

“Thanks.”

“You stay there. I'll sort it. Just try not to fall asleep.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“I've drunk so much coffee I probably won't sleep at all now.”

  


  


By two o'clock Sebastian's prediction was shown to be entirely incorrect as he lay dead to the world in bed next to Mark who had similarly been sleeping for about half an hour until Teddy began fussing. Mark slipped out to quickly scoop him up and take him through to the nursery before he woke Seb. He changed his nappy and redressed him, then went to sit over in the rocking chair to soothe him back off to sleep. Mark smiled down at his son in his arms.

“Gonna have to be on your best behaviour for the grandparents when they show up later Teddy. You want to make a good impression.”

Teddy pouted his little pink lips and Mark laughed, almost sure he had understood.

“Don't try that on with me kiddo. Your papa's already the expert with that look.”

The baby looked up at him with those beautiful big blue eyes and Mark sighed.

“Yeah alright, so I'm useless at standing up to it, you might as well know now.”

He leaned down and gave the baby a kiss on his little snub nose.

“Beautiful boy. I'm gonna have to toughen up to be a strict daddy aren't I? Got a few years grace yet I reckon. In the meantime kiddo if you could just give us a smidge more sleep we would be eternally grateful. Any chance of that? Hmm?”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“No? Thought not. Oh well.”

 

Mark stood up and looked out of the window into the wintry garden, holding the baby so he could see. There wasn't a lot to look at seeing as the trees were bare, but there was the big expanse of lawn just waiting for little legs to run about on.

“Look at all that space you've got to play in. Have to learn to toddle about won't you darling?”

He smiled at him.

“We're gonna have so much fun kiddo. I can't wait. You're the best thing to ever happen to us, did you know that? The best thing ever. Even if you do leave poor Papa so tired he can't sit through a meeting.” Mark huffed a tiny laugh. “Ah well, good job we love you so much.”

Mark found himself staring into the baby's blue eyes, smiling vaguely as he wondered why he spoke out-loud to him all the time when Teddy couldn't answer. Perhaps it was the only way he would one day? No doubt one of Seb's books would tell him, but Mark was too tired to read them. His sister always said you found your own way best, so worrying too much about what other people decreed was probably a waste of time. Mark cradled the baby in his arms and moved his weight from foot to foot, humming a tune to him until Teddy fell asleep.

 

Checking he was safely off, Mark took in a careful breath and walked back into the bedroom where Seb still slept. Mark put the baby into his cradle which was thankfully a little easier now it sat in its proper stand. He had been in danger of getting a bad back with all this bending down to the floor all the time. Mark tucked an extra blanket over Teddy and kissed the pads of his fingers before touching them to the baby's sleeping face. Then Mark went around and slipped back into bed beside Sebastian. Seb snuffled about into the pillow almost reminding him of the baby and Mark smiled as he slipped a hand beneath him to pull Seb closer. Sebastian opened his eyes for a moment.

“Is he awake?” he asked sleepily.

“No. It's okay darling. I think I bought us a while longer.”

“Hmmm,” sighed Seb settling into his shoulder.

Mark gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“Sleep darling, while we can.”

Sebastian sighed again.

“I'm so tired.”

“Sleep,” encouraged Mark softly.

Sebastian closed his eyes.

“Teddy okay?” he checked.

“Teddy's fine.”

“'kay.”

“Okay.”

Mark smoothed over Seb's arm.

“Don't worry about this morning sweetheart. I spent years trying not to sleep through those interminable meetings. Adrian's a genius, but he does have a very soporific voice.”

“Wasn't Adrian.”

“Well any of them. Painted-on eyeballs darling. That's the trick.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and sleepily turned in to kiss Mark's shoulder through his t-shirt.

“Thank you Liebling.”

  


  


  


After they had all had a nap they did feel a little better prepared for the weekend. There wasn't really anything they actually needed to do to make the house ready and Mark had already made sure they had the food and drink they needed so by half past three as they finished up giving Teddy his bottle Mark glanced to the dogs who were sat looking a little sad in the baskets in the corner of the kitchen, then over to the window to see it was still light. Seb was just winding the baby, thankful that he had remembered to put the cloth over his shoulder as Teddy burped and gakked up a little refluxed milk onto him. Mark reached over to wipe at Teddy's mouth.

“There we go mate, all fixed,” he assured as the baby frowned a little at his face being touched.

Seb turned to check Teddy was alright, then shifted him slightly thinking he was probably done now, holding him more in his arms.

“I was just thinking maybe it might be nice to squeeze in a quick walk with the dogs,” commented Mark, “get a bit of fresh air to wake us up before your folks arrive?”

Sebastian looked up from the baby.

“Hm?”

Mark huffed a laugh at how absorbed he was.

“Do you fancy going for a short walk out? We could try him in the papoose?”

“Um, yeah okay.”

“I'll wear it,” offered Mark.

“We could go up the hill and swap on the way back,” suggested Seb.

“Right you are then, great. I'll go get stuff.”

  


Mark went to fetch Teddy's snow-suit and extra socks and mittens to wrap him up as well as the baby carrier which had arrived only yesterday afternoon. Mark didn't think he'd ever been on such a shopping spree in his life as they had over the past week and a half. Every day there was another knock on the door and the postman there with another package for them containing something extra they had realised was vital for Teddy.

They lay the baby down on the kitchen table as they got him all padded up to brave the cold, then took it in turns to hold him while the other sorted themselves out with boots, coats and hats for themselves. Then finally Mark set about double-checking how the baby carrier went on, making sure the straps were adjusted to fit him, tweaking them slightly seeing as when he had tried it on taking it out of the packaging it hadn't been to go over a bulky winter coat. Once he was happy Seb helped Mark to fit Teddy to sit in it, fussing a little over the head and neck support to be certain the baby was okay before Mark triple-checked the straps were on his shoulders properly to hold Teddy up securely against his chest.

It took another minute of him actually still holding under and around Teddy before Mark dared let go and test the carrier took the baby's weight safely, then he huffed a little laugh to Seb who was scrutinising it all.

“I think we're good sweetheart. Can you just clip the back bit so it's a bit more balanced?” Mark requested.

“Oh, sure.”

Sebastian took the lower straps and clipped them together at Mark's lower back, then came back around to see Mark angling his head down to smile at Teddy squashed into him.

“Alright there matey?” Mark checked.

Naturally the baby did nothing other than sit there, so Seb dipped in a bit to see.

“Are you sure he can breathe properly?” Seb worried.

“He's fine. It's just like us holding him,” Mark reassured.

“Yeah I guess.”

Seb was still looking in, but then Teddy turned his head slightly to look back and Sebastian smiled at him.

“Hey Kleiner, that comfy?”

“Think he's quite happy.”

“Mm, he can't see an awful lot.”

“Well he's too little to go the other way around yet,” pointed out Mark.

“I know. Okay, sorry, yeah he's fine.” Sebastian stood up to look at Mark. “How does it feel? Are you alright?”

“Fine. Kinda nice to have free hands for once. I might have to get this out to wear around the house.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Good idea Liebling. Actually I think you can get softer sling type ones. Maybe that'd be good for indoors?”

“Sure. Right shall we get cracking then before it gets dark?”

“Yep.”

Seb pulled on his woolly hat and fetched the leads to clip on the dogs who really were being very good at staying back around Teddy, having already learnt that their masters did not take kindly to them interfering with this strange snuffly bundle that smelt funny but seemed to be very popular and take up all of their masters' time.

  


It had taken ten minutes just to get ready to leave the house, but now they set off it was a lot easier to have Teddy like this. He seemed to like being squished up into Mark's chest as he so often was and he was well protected from the cold air now that the weak winter sun was fading in the sky. Seb took both dogs' leads as they walked down the lane, but once they got to the footpath into the fields he unclipped them and once they started off along the path up the hill he fitted the leads away in his pocket. They both peered in to be sure Teddy was okay, then Sebastian smiled and took Mark's hand.

“This is nice,” he observed.

“Free hands you mean?” asked Mark.

“Well yeah, being able to hold hands.”

“Yeah.” Mark gave Seb's hand a squeeze. “Certainly is darling.”

Sebastian had taken the side that Teddy was slightly turned towards and he kept dipping in to check on him.

“Does it feel heavy?” he asked Mark.

“Pff, not really. Bit more than normal, but not much.

“He's very quiet,” Seb noted.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Are you complaining?”

“No, I just... no it's good I guess. Must mean he's happy.”

Mark looked down once more at their son.

“You're very happy aren't you mate? Nice gig this, getting hefted about by Daddy.”

Sebastian smiled at him.

“Might be handy in the paddock, you know if it's busy.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, though if we've got the pram we can just ram it into people's ankles to get them out the way.”

“Tsk, Mark.”

 

Mark chuckled, though actually he thought if they encountered any press trying their luck he wouldn't think twice about doing it. Nobody but nobody was getting near their son. He could always pretend it was an accident if he knocked one of them over.

“Actually though the pram's got that little tray under it that might be handy for carrying stuff,” noted Seb.

“That's true. Well no worries darling, joy of a private plane, we can take the lot with us can't we?”

“Yeah I guess. Oh gosh Liebling we'll need to make sure the plane has a travel crib.”

Mark nodded, another thing to get for Teddy. It never ended.

“Sure. Well we'll ring the office nearer the time, leave it a month or so. Plenty of time till we're going out to Aus.”

“Two months,” reminded Seb.

“Really? Blimey that's flown. Alright well still a while.”

“Sure. And I need to talk to logistics at work and go through arrangements with them.”

“Such as?”

“Bigger hotel rooms, travel cribs, check if he needs any inoculations for anywhere, travel visas, and oh god Liebling he needs a passport.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“So he does. Yeah you're right sweetheart, we'd better get on it then.”

Mark leaned down to Teddy.

“You gonna pose for your passport photo kiddo?”

“How do we even do that?” wondered Seb.

“Lord knows. Ah well, it'll be fine. Two months, right? We'll sort it.”

Sebastian nodded. So much to arrange. It took them half an hour to just leave the house. How long was it going to take them to set off for the other side of the world?  


  


When they got to the top of the hill they sat down on the bench as usual and both Mark and Seb looked in to Teddy to check he wasn't cold and that he was happy. Shadow and Simba pushed into their legs and Mark looked up at them, sure that if they could, the dogs would be pouting.

“Alright boys, sorry. We know you're there. Go find a stick, go on.”

They shot off and rushed back to present him with one, but Seb took it seeing as Mark had Teddy. As they brought it back Mark reached to at least give them a rub.

“Don't worry boys, your pal Fabe is coming this weekend, he'll play with you.”

“Do you think we should head back?”

“It's only four-ish. They're not due till gone six,” pointed out Mark.

Seb touched Teddy's cheek.

“He's a bit cold.”

“Alright. You still want to swap?”

“Yep.”

“Righto.”

  


They went through the rigmarole of swapping over the carrier from Mark to Sebastian, Mark tightening up the straps once it was on Seb to be sure it was tight enough before doing up the back clip and helping Seb to stand up.

“Ooh that's a bit weird,” commented Seb.

“Really?”

“Yeah, it's kind of like you're off-centre.”

“You're alright?”

“Yeah yeah fine. It's just as you're standing. I'm fine.”

Seb looked down to Teddy to be sure he was too and saw he was facing into him now.

“He's still got room to breathe hasn't he?” Seb checked.

Mark dipped in to be sure.

“Yep. Just having a cuddle up.”

Mark took Teddy's padded little mit and gave it a tiny shake.

“You're fine aren't you mate? Just nice leaning into Papa isn't it?”

Seb looked to be sure, then relaxed a little.

“Sorry, I know, I just...”

“It's fine. He's good darling. It's designed for this.”

“Sure.”

“C'mon. Boys, heel, we're going home, have a nice warm up.”

 

Mark shooed the dogs on down the path and put his arm around Seb as they walked along behind them.

“How does it feel then?” he asked Seb.

“Yeah good. I like being able to feel him there.”

Mark smiled.

“I think he likes that too. He's quiet isn't he? Means he's happy.”

“I'd be a bit nervous if it was icy though Liebling. I'd be worried I might fall over on him.”

“I'm sure you wouldn't darling. Your hands are free so you'd put them out to stop yourself.”

“I spose.”

“I wouldn't let you fall.”

Seb smiled to Mark.

“Yeah. I know Liebling.”

“We don't have to take him out if it's really cold anyway,” Mark reassured. “We could just let Pauline take the boys out.”

“I don't want to take advantage of her.”

“We won't. Really darling I think she's having the time of her life. She loves this little one.”

Seb smiled down to Teddy.

“I know. Yeah okay. Actually it'll feel a bit weird her not being over this weekend. I've got used to it.” He laughed. “It's funny, it's like part of the routine; Teddy wakes us up, change his nappy, one of us gets his bottle, back to bed to feed him...”

“Nice snuggle while we're half asleep,” added in Mark.

Seb smiled.

“Yeah, then it reaches about ooh, half six and we get up properly, bathroom, dressing, dressing Teddy, get some breakfast, feed the dogs, tidy up.”

“Another nappy.”

“Yep, another bottle.”

“A cup of tea if we're lucky.”

“Very lucky. Tidy up again, then Pauline arrives and we know it's about nine am.”

“Having done a day's work already,” smiled Mark.

Seb laughed.

“Exactly, but it's nice.” He smiled down to Teddy. “You have a nice cuddle with Auntie Pauline and Daddy and I get a little rest.”

Mark nodded.

“By which time we need it.”

“Exactly.”

“Yeah she is a diamond.”

“Mm, best we don't mention that too much to my mum though,” advised Seb.

“You think she'd be jealous?”

“I know she would. You want to bet how many times this weekend she says it's a shame we live so far away?”

Mark shrugged.

“Ah well, mine's the same. We should be grateful they want to be with us so much.”

“I am, but, well to be honest Liebling I'm not entirely sorry we'll have our own space.”

“Yeah. Well, let's just make the most of their visits. It'll give our arms a rest if nothing else.”

Sebastian nodded.

“True.” He looked down to Teddy. “You're going to have your little cheeks squished all weekend Schatz, sorry.”

Mark chuckled.

“There's worse fates. Right, boys, back over here, time for your leads.”

  


They headed on out onto the lane, back to the house. Just over two hours to fuss around making sure they were prepared, maybe get dinner ready to put in the oven and then the first invasion of family would start. Time to batten down the hatches.

 

 

* * *

 


	198. Family Ties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for visitors.

* * *

 

  
  


Sebastian found himself getting more nervous the closer the clock in the kitchen ticked to six pm. Mark was keeping busy getting things for dinner ready to go when their guests arrived while Seb sat at the table with Teddy fast asleep in his arms. He knew he could have gone to put him down in his crib, but Seb preferred to keep him close even if his arms were getting tired. When the midwife had visited she had told them it was up to them what they chose to do with Teddy napping and Sebastian remembered reading conflicting opinions in the baby books he had read, but even if he knew Teddy would be fine on his own for a short while it just felt better this way. Seb couldn't quite shake the worry that as adoptive parents they had to make as much effort as possible to bond with their son and to him that meant taking it literally; letting Teddy absorb their smell, the feeling of lying into them and the way his parents took such care of him so he knew they loved him.

Not that they _never_ put him down. Teddy was happy in his crib or his pram or occasionally the baby carrier from the car where they had strapped him in once or twice while something took both his parents to sort something out, but it struck Seb as he sat there that as yet Teddy had never been more than a couple of feet away from at least one parent. They hadn't so much as left the room both at the same time, even with the baby monitor available. Seb wasn't sure what disaster he thought might strike if they did go out of sight of Teddy, but he just couldn't risk it. He wondered if he might try letting his mother take care of him and see if he could build up his confidence just to make tea with Mark in the kitchen while they sat in the lounge. He did trust his mother with the baby. Sebastian shook his head internally. He really did have to lighten up a bit, but it was hard. He'd never felt a responsibility like this in his life before and it made him a little anxious. Henry used to tell him to try small steps to overcome anxiety so perhaps this weekend was a good opportunity?

“They're late,” noted Sebastian as he looked at the clock again.

Mark put the casserole Pauline had brought them into the oven ready to switch on.

“Hmm?”

He looked up at the clock and huffed a laugh as he turned to Seb.

“Darling it's five past six.”

Sebastian huffed a breath.

“I guess.”

Mark shook his head and came to sit with him.

“We don't know how busy it'll have been at the airport.”

“You said the flight got in an hour ago,” pointed out Seb seeing as Mark had checked the Heathrow arrivals information on his phone.

“I know, but Friday night, roads could be busy. They'll turn up.”

“Okay.” Seb sighed. “Sorry Liebling. I'm spinning myself up a bit.”

Mark gave his arm a gentle rub.

“It's all gonna be fine, alright?”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked into his eyes to read them.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It's fine. I'm just... I dunno.”

“Darling it's just your family. They just want to see this little guy and fuss over him. There's nothing to worry about.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded. He was worrying over nothing.

“Why don't we go in the lounge?” suggested Mark. “I can light the fire and we can get cosy. They'll turn up when they turn up. We're not going anywhere.”

“Yeah okay. Thanks.”

“No worries.”

Mark kissed Seb's cheek and Seb felt himself relax a bit more. He couldn't help wondering what his parents were going to make of them, if they'd think they were doing a good job of being parents themselves. Maybe he was just being paranoid?

  
  


Once the fire was lit and Mark joined him on the sofa Sebastian leaned into his side, Mark helping to shift the cushion supporting Seb's elbow where he held the baby. Mark reached to gently stroke Teddy's cheek.

“Out for the count. Why do you choose to do this now and not at three am, hmm?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I think he's getting used to waking for his feeds.”

“Hmm, I spose.”

“We've got to be up anyway.”

“True. I think we need our own nap schedule. Why don't we try that properly next week?”

“Put him down for them you mean?”

“Yeah, well, maybe not every time, but at least mid-morning and mid-afternoon. I know he just sleeps as long as he feels like, but he usually gives us a little rest then doesn't he?”

 

Seb nodded. Teddy's schedule mostly translated to them feeding him according to the midwife's instructions and Teddy sleeping whenever he felt like it, but in between cat-naps they did tend to get a couple of decent spells where the baby slept for slightly longer stretches. Any idea of him actually sleeping for the amount and times set out in the books was already looking pretty ridiculous to Seb. He was starting to wonder if the authors even had babies of their own and were simply describing idealised children who ran on clockwork. The only thing he and Mark really stuck to was feeding and even then if he cried and it wasn't for a nappy change or anything else obvious they mostly just brought a feed a bit early and Teddy seemed none the worse for it.

“Yeah, okay,” Seb concurred.

“I know it's not what we're used to, but I think Leanne's right, we'll be turning into zombies.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Or just doing what I did earlier and taking a nap in the middle of a meeting.”

“Mm, well I think that shows we need to sort it out, yeah?”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb thinking they could put Teddy down for his longer naps and just be by him in bed and then hold him like this for the shorter naps in-between. Maybe that would help more generally? He suspected tiredness accounted for at least part of his anxiousness over things.

Sebastian let out a long breath and rested his head onto Mark's shoulder, turning it slightly to look at him.

“We're doing alright aren't we?”

“Hm?”

“At this. With Teddy. We're not doing a bad job.”

Mark frowned.

“Of course we're not. We're fine. The midwife said so didn't she?”

“I guess.”

“And Rachel's been happy every time she's come over and Laura on Wednesday, they both said everything's fine.”

“Yeah. Okay, sorry Liebling.”

Mark looked at him.

“Sweetheart your family aren't coming here to judge us. They just want to meet him.”

Seb nodded.

“I think I'm just building it up. I'll be better when they get here.”

“Sure.”

“I kinda wish Stef was coming too,” Seb admitted.

“We'd have run out of beds.”

“I guess.”

“Stef and Jan can come after my parents next weekend.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Mum'll want to come back again with them.”

“Well... I dunno. She could?”

“Mm.”

“Or not,” smiled Mark, reading his reticence. “I'm sure we can find a diplomatic way to handle it. Then we can just have a cosy baby filled weekend with Sofie getting to know her new little cousin.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah I think that'd be nice. We could just do baby things together.”

“Ha, well Sofie's gonna be up to a fair bit more than our little one darling, but yes, it'll be a nice easy weekend sharing tips and having a moan about night-feeds with no worries about what anyone else thinks.”

“That sounds good.”

“I thought so. And then Jense and Jess want to come.”

Sebastian laughed.

“We're going to need a revolving front door.”

Mark laughed too.

“Yeah, ah well, can't help it if we're popular.” He stroked Teddy's cheek. “Or more accurately Teddy is popular.”

“Yeah.”

Just then there was a faint noise which grew louder and they realised that a car was pulling onto the drive.

“Uhoh,” smiled Mark. “Stand by your beds.”

Sebastian shook his head, but he did feel a bit on edge suddenly.

“Um, okay, you take him Liebling. I should let them in.”

“Righto.”

Seb passed Teddy over, trying not to disturb him too much, but he did shift about and flicker his eyes until he settled into Mark's arms.

“Stay here,” instructed Seb. “It's cold out now.”

“Alright,” Mark agreed, not wanting to give Seb anything extra to worry about.

  
  


Sebastian stood up and took a deep breath. He was being silly. Mark was right, all they wanted was to see Teddy, his mother wasn't going to give them a scorecard on how well they were doing. He glanced back to Mark with the baby on the sofa, then exited the lounge, shutting the door so the cold air didn't draft in there while he opened the front door. Seb could hear that the car had stopped so he set his shoulders back and undid the latch, swinging the door open to see his family already piling out of the taxi and setting bags down on the drive. He gave them a wave and his mother rushed over leaving his dad, brother and sister to organise things. Heike swept in to give him a hug before Seb could even say hello. As she let go of him she smiled at Seb.

“How are you? Are you alright? You look tired.”

Seb coughed a little laugh.

“I'm okay. I should give them a hand.”

Heike half-glanced at the others bringing their bags over.

“Nonsense, they're fine. Where's the baby?”

Sebastian hid a sigh.

“With Mark in the lounge. It's cold out.”

“Oh of course. Well lead on.”

Seb looked past his mother to the rest of his family approaching.

“Just put stuff here in the hall we'll sort it later,” he called out to them.

He received some hellos and managed to get a hi out in reply before his mother was nodding him on and Sebastian knew she was impatient to meet the baby, so he took her coat to hang on the end of the bannister, then led her through, knowing the rest would follow.

 

Seb paused at the lounge door, looking to his mother as those trailing were just dumping their bags inside the door.

“Um, he's asleep so...”

Heike held up a hand.

“We won't wake him dear, we're just here to help.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“He's alright though?”

“Yeah all good, right...”

Sebastian slowly opened the door to reveal Mark sat on the sofa holding a sleeping Teddy in his arms, the fire burning on the other side of the room. The dogs were banished to the kitchen seeing as they'd thought they might get over-excited with all their visitors, but other than that Seb thought the room presented a lovely homely scene. Mark went as if to stand up but Heike shook her head as she walked over.

“No no dear stay there. Oh my. Ach, so small,” Heike sighed.

She went to sit beside Mark, peering in at the baby in his arms, still sleeping despite the disturbance. The others were filing in, so Sebastian said a proper hello and shut the door behind his father bringing up the rear.

“Hey everyone,” greeted Mark from the sofa.

The others said hi back and all of them were closing in to look at Teddy, and Sebastian suddenly felt even more anxious, worrying that it was too much. He was actually glad Mark was holding Teddy though seeing as Seb didn't like the idea of nerves while holding him. He managed to bypass his Fabian and Mel to squeeze on so he could sit on the arm of the sofa beside Mark. Teddy miraculously seemed entirely unaffected, staying stubbornly asleep cradled in Mark's arms. Mark looked up to Seb balanced beside him and wished he could spare an arm to put it around him. He knew Sebastian worried too much about his family and particularly his parent's opinion of him. Right now Seb was already worrying enough about Teddy, but if they'd put them off coming Seb would only have felt guilty at excluding his family and felt bad about that instead. All Mark could do right now was to give Seb a reassuring smile.

 

“Good as gold right now, isn't he sweetheart?” Mark offered to their visitors all peering in at Teddy.

“So tiny,” repeated Heike.

“Well he's a bit premature Mum,” reminded Sebastian. “He wasn't even due for another week.”

Heike sighed and leaned in over him.

“He's really alright though?”

“He's fine,” assured Mark. “Midwife was here checking up the other day and she says he's doing great, right on course.”

“He's feeding okay?”

“Yep.”

“Sleeping alright?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“As you see. He sleeps plenty, just not necessarily when it's convenient.”

Heike shook her head.

“Is he keeping you up?”

“We have to be up to feed him Mum,” reminded Seb. “Because he's so small we have to do lots of little feeds.”

Heike nodded and it occurred to Seb that at least she couldn't fault them for feeding their baby formula milk when they had no alternative. He looked to Mark who gave him a tiny almost imperceptible nod back.

“Do you want a hold Mum?” Seb offered.

His mother beamed, clearly having been fighting asking.

“Ooh yes please.”

Sebastian shifted off the arm of the sofa and helped Mark to pass the baby into his mother's arms. He had to stop himself reminding her to hold Teddy properly, Seb telling himself that she had looked after Sofie and indeed him and his siblings countless times. As she nestled the baby into the crook of her arm Heike smiled even more broadly as Teddy opened his eyes at the movement. Seb looked down to be sure he was okay, then glanced to his mother.

“Hey Teddy this is Oma.”

“Oh what blue eyes,” sighed Heike as she gazed down at him.

“Yeah.”

“Gorgeous aren't they?” agreed Mark.

“He's very cute,” commented Mel from a couple of feet away.

Sebastian turned to look at them stood there.

“Oh gosh, um sit down, sorry. Do you want a cup of tea or something?”

 

Norbert went to sit beside his wife to look at their new grandchild so Mel and Fabian took the other sofa.

“So tea then?” prompted Seb.

Norbert looked up.

“I wouldn't say no.”

“Right, I'll make a tray.”

Mark shook his head and stood up.

“You sit here sweetheart. I'll do it and stick dinner on while I'm at it.” He looked to his in-laws. “We've just got casserole, hope that's okay?”

Heike looked to him.

“Of course, sounds nice dear.”

“Right then, won't be long.”

Norbert looked to his other children.

“Why don't you take the bags up now?”

“I'll do that,” insisted Mark firmly. “You sit tight.”

Sebastian tried not to smile at the way Mark did that. He had a way of asserting himself in a way came off as too affable to refuse. Seb didn't think anyone in their family managed his parents quite so well as Mark. Stef had her moments, but Seb knew she had to bite her tongue sometimes, whereas Mel tended not to hold back and that only wound their mum up, whilst Fabian as the youngest still fell into teenager mode with his parents and they seemed to miss the more mature version he and Mark saw. As Mark left the room Sebastian took up his place on the sofa, keeping an eye on Teddy whilst answering all his mother's questions about the baby.

  
  


  
  


In the kitchen Mark flicked the oven on, and went to fill the kettle before assembling teapot and mugs on a tray. He went to give the dogs a rub.

“Right, invasion's arrived, best behaviour, yeah? Good boys.”

He filled their bowls in case they got forgotten, then scalded the tea and left it to brew while he went to ferry the bags from the hall upstairs. Fabian was in his usual room with his parents next door down by the second bathroom, then Mel was in Seb's old bedroom nearer to them. He supposed if Stef and Jan had come they could have stuck Fabe on a camp-bed in the nursery seeing as Teddy was in with him and Seb, but the house was already feeling crowded and Mark thought spreading out visits a bit was worthwhile. Bags delivered, Mark quickly nipped to the loo while he had chance, then collected up the tea from the kitchen to take through to the lounge, adding a little jug of milk to the tray and hooking the door shut with his foot so the dogs couldn't escape.

Re-entering the lounge Mark placed the tray on the coffee table and smiled over at Seb still being quizzed by his mother. He noted nobody else had got a chance to hold the baby yet.

Mark poured tea for Heike and Norbert, putting the mugs by them, then looked back to Mel and Fabian.

“You guys want to help yourself?”

“Course,” agreed Mel, already getting up to do so.

Mark nodded and moved to give them room, looking to Seb.

“You want a drink sweetheart?”

“I'm fine.”

“Right, me too.”

Mark took the spot on the arm of the sofa where Seb had been before.

“Dinner's on, so about half an hour or so,” he announced.

“Great, I'm starving,” replied Fabian as he poured himself a mug of tea and returned to his sofa.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Good job there's plenty of food then eh?”

 

Sebastian smiled to him and Mark finally had that arm spare to put it around his shoulders, subtly giving him a tiny rub with his thumb. He could see the way Seb looking at Teddy, wanting to take him back but not feeling as though he could say so. The baby wasn't due another feed until after they'd had their dinner and he seemed happy enough with his grandmother so at least that was something. Mark smiled out at their guests.

“I hope I guessed which bags belonged to who correctly when I was taking them up,” he commented.

Norbert gave him a nod.

“Very good of you Mark. I'm sure you did.”

“We can always swap them,” noted Mel.

“True,” Mark agreed. “And you get an actual bedroom with a real bed in it this time Mel.”

Melanie laughed.

“Ha, I am spoiled, thanks.”

“No bother. You're next to us so you may not thank me when this little guy wakes you in the night.”

Mel shook her head.

“Don't worry.”

“The walls are pretty thick,” added Seb, “but we might have a pack of earplugs knocking about from races somewhere.”

“It's fine, really,” assured Mel.

 

Sebastian smiled over at his sister. If he got a moment he might have a look anyway and just see what he could find and distribute them so his family got a decent night's sleep even if he and Mark didn't. He didn't know why his mother was making him so antsy. She had only said nice things about Teddy and asked how they were doing. She hadn't made any criticisms, but Seb found himself waiting for them. Maybe he was being unfair? Maybe it was just that he wished she'd pass him back? Maybe he was just still knackered and his brain was frying?

“Norbert, you gonna want a hold mate?” offered Mark from the far end of the sofa.

His father-in-law looked up at him, then to Heike.

“Oh well, um...”

“Go on then,” agreed his wife, passing over the baby.

Norbert gave the baby a smile.

“Hello Teddy.” He huffed a little laugh. “He is a cute little thing isn't he?”

Seb just smiled at his father. It felt so strange to see him holding the baby even though Seb had seen him with Sofie.

“Teddy's a sweet name,” commented Mel from the other side of the room.

“Oh well it's still technically Theo,” corrected Mark.

“Teddy's just what we call him,” Seb added.

“We thought it would be a help if he had a name we could agree on pronouncing the same.”

Mel huffed a laugh.

“Well it's still sweet.”

“Thanks.” Mark peered over to the baby. “Sweet as anything right now, aren't you buddy?”

 

Teddy looked to Mark, then blinked a few times up at his grandfather before scrunching his face and beginning bawling.

“Oh heck, sorry mate,” apologised Mark.

He jumped up and took the baby back, scooping Teddy into his arms and standing with him against his chest, rubbing over his back and moving slightly from side-to-side to soothe him. Sebastian looked to his father.

“Sorry Dad.”

Norbert shook his head.

“No problem. Not used to be passed about so much I suppose.”

“Mm.”

“He's very light.”

“Well he's only at the stage Sofie was at at birth isn't he?” noted Heike.

Seb gave a little nod.

“I suppose that's true.”

“Oh now while I think, Stef gave me some bits and pieces to pass on,” she explained.

“Ah okay, thanks. I'll just...”

 

Seb got up and went to stand with Mark, peering in to see Teddy now snuffling into the top of his chest.

“He's alright,” reassured Mark. “Just having a little moment aren't you mate? All fine,” he leaned in closer to Teddy to speak much more softly. “All fine with Daddy aren't you darling? All fine. There now.”

Teddy went quiet with a last smooth over his little back, his head pressed further into the top of Mark's chest and Mark smiled to see him falling asleep. He looked back to his in-laws.

“Warm in here. Soon drops off.”

“It's nice with the fire,” commented Mel.

“Yeah we like it. Right sweetheart, why don't you sit down with him and I'll check on dinner?”

Sebastian went back to the sofa and took back the baby who rested peacefully in his arms. Mark gently brushed Teddy's cheek and gave Seb a smile.

“'kay?”

“Yep.”

“Good.” Mark looked to the others. “Anyone need anything?”

 

With assurances they were fine Mark went out again to the kitchen and Sebastian leaned back into the sofa and looked down to Teddy. He felt so right in his arms, safe and sleeping. Seb didn't know what was wrong with him. Of course he trusted his parents with his son, but too long apart and he started to not just want him back, but _need_ him back. He knew what Stef meant now about finding the idea of leaving her daughter to be babysat by them overnight impossible to reconcile. He needed his child close.

It was strange, Pauline holding Teddy was far less threatening somehow, which ought to be illogical seeing as she wasn't family, but in truth Pauline _had_ become family, just one without any of the hang-ups Seb retained with his parents. It was fine now though. Seb felt much calmer, much happier now he had Teddy back. Maybe it would get easier? Either that or he and Mark were going to have to get an egg-timer out and limit holds to three minutes like a boiled egg before Seb's brain got cooked likewise. Sebastian stroked gently over Teddy's little arm with his thumb where he held around him. 'Back with Papa now Liebling,' he thought as he looked down at him, 'back with Papa where you belong. We're okay now.' Seb could actually feel his heartrate slowing as he relaxed at having his son returned to him.

  
  


  
  


They made more polite conversation, Mark popping in and out to sort dinner. Seb listened to all the family news and did his best to fill them in on all that had gone on even though it felt as though he had told them most of it over the phone already. They had decided that with so many people here it was easier to eat in the dining room so Mark started to set things up in there. Heike offered to help but in the end it was Fabian and Mel who went to assist him while Seb's mother stayed watching the sleeping baby. When Fabian came through to tell them dinner was ready they went through, Seb still keeping hold of Teddy and taking a seat by Mark who was busy dishing up while Mel helpfully sorted out the drinks. Heike looked to Seb sitting at the table with the baby in his arms.

“Don't you want to put him down while you eat?” she asked.

Sebastian glanced at the baby then Mark stood beside him.

“Oh well he's sleeping,” he excused.

Heike was about to comment that was even more reason to put Teddy upstairs in his crib for a while, but Mark spoke up as he passed over a filled plate to her.

“He likes sticking with us doesn't he darling?”

He smiled at Seb who nodded.

“Yeah he just... he's still settling in.”

“Oh...” stopped Heike, distracted by accepting her meal as Mark passed it to her.

“Kinda tricky to eat though?” presumed Fabian sat on Mark's other side.

“We're getting used to it,” stated Seb.

He shifted the baby up a little and put a hand by his cheek to be sure he wasn't too warm with all these people in the room. Mark had finished serving the food and nodded to Seb's plate.

“You want me to...?”

“Thanks.”

Seb's family watched as Mark cut up Sebastian's chicken breast for him, then sat down and smiled in at the baby.

“We can swap?” Mark offered.

“I'm fine.”

Sebastian picked up a fork with a spared hand and scooped up some chicken and vegetables to demonstrate, so Mark nodded and looked out to the others.

“Right, tuck in everyone, hope it's okay.”

 

The family assured him that the meal looked great and set about eating, Seb managing well enough, though slowly, so after ten minutes Mark took the baby and let him catch up. Mel smiled over at them from the lower end of the table.

“You adapting then? Stef says every meal takes her three times as long now.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Everything takes three times as long, if not more.”

“That's true,” agreed Seb. “Even leaving the house takes forever.”

“You've been taking him out already?” asked Heike.

“Just little walks with the dogs.”

“Ah I see.”

“Have you got all you need then?” enquired Norbert, “a pram and that?”

“Yeah we just ordered it online,” Seb explained.

“Oh right. I suppose you can get anything from the internet these days.”

“Pretty much.”

“How are the dogs with him?” wondered Heike.

“They're fine.”

“They're very good,” added Mark.

“They're mostly in the kitchen at the moment,” Seb explained, “we're just getting them used to each other slowly.”

“Oh okay,” accepted Heike. “They are big aren't they?”

“They're fine Mum,” assured Seb. “We don't leave Teddy alone with them.”

“I'm sure you wouldn't dear.”

“They only want a sniff at him anyway,” Mark explained. “They're just curious. Though they are feeling a bit neglected I suspect. Fabe we were hoping you might help us out a bit with them this weekend?”

“Sure. I can walk them if you like?”

“Very good of you mate, though we thought we'd all take a few walks out with them. I was thinking more to take them into the garden and have a play, just make a fuss of them.”

“Oh okay, no problem.”

Sebastian looked over at his parents.

“We haven't really got anything else planned,” he admitted.

Heike shook her head.

“You've got more than enough on your hands, literally. We just want to spend some time with Teddy don't we?”

She looked to her husband who nodded.

“We're not here to make life more difficult for you,” he assured.

“Course not,” agreed Mark. “We're very glad you could come, aren't we sweetheart?”

“Course,” agreed Seb, though if he was entirely honest a whole weekend was already starting to look a long time to fill with them all here when there was nothing to do but look after the baby.

  
  


  
  


Once they had cleared up it was approaching time to feed the baby and though Heike really had been very helpful, insisting on doing the washing up while they made up the bottle, Seb couldn't help feeling just a little anxious again as she wanted to take Teddy to feed him. Not that she was doing anything wrong, she held him perfectly and the bottle at the correct angle and Seb knew she was used to it from feeding Sofie, but he couldn't help feeling just a little relieved that Teddy started fussing a little giving him the excuse to take him back. He didn't seem to want more of his bottle so Mark investigated, then gave a flick of his eyebrows to Seb.

“Nappy.”

“Ah.”

Mark shook his head at Teddy.

“Tsk, not great timing buddy.”

“Sorry, we'll just...”

Sebastian stood up from the sofa and looked at his family who were just sat around once more.

“Tell you what, Fabe could you do us a favour and find a film to stick on?”

“Sure. What do you want?”

“Anything you like. Don't wait for us, we might be a while.”

“Do you want more drinks?” Seb asked them as Mark stood to join him.

“I can get that,” offered Mel.

“Thanks. Just um, you know where stuff is right?”

“If I don't, I'll find it.”

“Help yourself to anything you like,” Mark reminded them.

 

  
  


They exited the warm lounge into the distinctly cooler hallway and went upstairs to the nursery to sort out Teddy's nappy. Mark having collected the bottle to take with them. Once Teddy was changed, instead of coming back down they went into their room and sat on the bed. Mark passed Seb the bottle and he tried feeding the baby again to see if he had more of an appetite now he was comfortable. Mark put an arm around him and leaned in.

“You alright sweetheart?” he checked.

Sebastian looked up from seeing that Teddy was indeed sucking on his bottle again. He shrugged a shoulder.

“I dunno.”

“You dunno?”

Seb shrugged again.

“I guess I'm tired.”

“Mm, well with any luck your brother has chosen a shorter film. We'll sort them out for bed and call it a night.”

Seb huffed a dry little laugh.

“And then get up again about an hour and half later.”

“Mm well.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and sighed it out.

“I dunno Liebling maybe I'll be better if we get more sleep tonight. It's just... I dunno, maybe it's just with work earlier and then this too it's a bit much.”

Mark frowned.

“Darling if you're tired go to bed. I'll look after your folks.”

“No it's...” Seb sighed. “I'll sound crazy. I think I'm just a bit out of sorts.”

“What is it?”

“I just... I feel so over-protective with Teddy. It's stupid cos I know Mum and all of them just want to meet him and they'd never let him get hurt, but...” he bit his lip as he looked at Mark. “I just feel a bit anxious.”

Mark sighed and rubbed over the top of Seb's arm where he held onto him.

“Ah sweetheart.”

“I know it makes no sense.”

“Of course it makes sense. He's our baby. It's a big deal to share him.”

“I know Pauline holds him and the midwife and all the hospital staff did.”

“Well... I dunno darling, maybe it's like you said, it's a bit much today.”

“I know we had a nap, but I guess I am tired.”

“Exactly, plus first time back in work on top of all this disrupted sleep and worrying a little about him anyway. Does the nerves no good.”

“So you don't think I'm crazy then?”

Mark tsk'd.

“Don't be daft. Besides your mum was hogging him a bit.”

“Mm, I feel bad cos she's been dying to see him.”

“Of course she has darling, it's only natural, but what you feel is natural too.”

“You think?”

“Absolutely. I was thinking she'd had him while too.”

“Oh, okay.”

Mark gave Seb's arm another gentle rub.

“She's just excited to meet her grandson sweetheart.”

“I know, and I don't want to be mean and not let her hold him.”

“Sure, but it's no good sitting there getting anxious about it.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Maybe it'll get easier?”

“Mm, well look, I think we're just going to have to be a little bit assertive and find polite ways to take him back.”

 

Seb looked down at Teddy and tipped the bottle a little higher now there was less in it.

“How though?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I dunno, just, 'I'd better have him back now.'”

“Hmm.”

Mark smiled at Seb sounding unconvinced. Maybe that was a little too direct?

“We can always say his nappy needs checking. Bet that'll work.”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Yeah okay. Sorry Liebling, I don't want to be weird about it.”

“You're not. First visit, we're all a bit worked up and over-tired. I'm sure it'll calm down once we're all settled in tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Sebastian stretched his head up to kiss Mark's cheek.

“Thank you, I really do want Teddy to get to know them all.”

“I know you do and it's tricky with our family so far away. They can't just pop over for half an hour then leave us in peace as they would ideally. So it's all a bit intensified.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“It's not meant to be stressful though darling.”

“Mm.”

“So just give me a look, alright? I'll take the hint and if you're not comfortable saying something, I will. Yes?”

“Yes. Thank you Liebling.”

“Good. And you can do the same for me next weekend when it's my folks here.”

Sebastian nodded, though he suspected that Mark would have far less difficulty saying anything to his own parents.

“Unless you think we ought to ask them to hold off a bit?” wondered Mark. “We don't want to be stressing ourselves out with visits.”

Seb shook his head.

“No Liebling it's fine. I'll calm down tomorrow I'm sure.”

“Alright well just don't keep it in, yeah? Tell me.”

“I will.”

“Good and we should still fit in a nap at some point tomorrow,” advised.

Seb squished his face a bit.

“I thought about that, but ridiculous as it is, I'm not sure I want to leave Teddy being babysat.”

“Nah a nap for him too. It'll be fine. Your brother can play with the dogs and we can ask your sister to babysit your parents.”

Sebastian laughed at the reversal.

“Babysit?”

“Well, look after. She can find a film to stick on or something and make them tea. Give us a clear hour or so late morning or afternoon maybe, whenever this little one looks like giving us a break. I bet your mum will volunteer to cook too, so there's no reason we shouldn't be fine.”

“Okay. Yeah I'll have a word with Mel,” agreed Seb thinking his sister ought to understand well enough how to manage their parents.

“It'll be fine. No stressing, right?” Mark checked.

“No stressing,” Seb concurred.

“Right, my turn. Let's have a little rest and leave them to it for a bit,” decided Mark.

He shuffled back to sit propped up on the pillows on the bed, then took the baby before Seb went to join him and they stole a nice quiet quarter of an hour pretending it was just them in the house before going back down to watch the rest of the film Fabian had chosen, Mark excusing that Teddy was settled to allow him and Seb to hang on to him. Mel and Fabian kindly gave up their sofa for them and found other seats and Sebastian did find himself winding down as he leant into Mark's side looking down at Teddy who was fast asleep and oblivious to all the fuss around his arrival into the family.

  
  


 

  
  


 

  
  


The next day Seb and Mark were up taking turns to sort out preparing breakfast and giving Teddy his own breakfast bottle long before any of the rest of the family came down to join them. As Heike and Norbert walked into the kitchen Sebastian put the kettle on and began asking them what they wanted to eat and drink. Heike shook her head.

“Why don't you sit down? I'll do it.”

“It's okay,” tried Seb.

“No dear, we're here to help.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who shrugged, so he did as he was told and sat down next to him at the table. Heike poured the boiled water to make the tea and started directing her husband to share out the rolls onto plates for them. She looked over to her son who was now taking his son to hold against his chest to wind him now he had finished his bottle.

“Did you get much sleep?” she asked.

Sebastian looked up as he continued to rub over Teddy's back.

“Oh well, you know, some. I'm sorry if he kept you up.”

“No no dear, par for the course.”

“We only heard a bit down our end,” assured Norbert as he took a seat at the table. “I'd imagine it was rather louder for you.”

“Mm.”

Heike was about to comment when two more of her children arrived in succession and she kept busy sorting out breakfast and generally organising the kitchen. Mark leaned in to look at Teddy as Seb held him up, smiling at their son as he looked back at him with those lovely blue eyes, then up to Seb. He thought that Heike taking over domestic tasks was probably quite a good idea. It would help her feel she was contributing and give them a little rest as well as meaning, perhaps harshly, that she wasn't trying to take over looking after Teddy instead.

They could just get some breakfast and let Heike look after things. With any luck some of the others would offer to help tidy up and Mark wasn't going to feel guilty about being a bad host if he let them. Then after that they could have a brief spell of pass-the-baby in the lounge, feed him again, let him sleep a while, then take the dogs out for a family walk. Mark was determined to stick to his plan and find an opportunity for him and Seb to hole up for a bit to get some rest and leave their visitors to fend for themselves for a while. Family obligations were one thing, but they didn't have to feel selfish for doing what they needed to do right now.

  
  


  
  


As they set off on their walk a couple of hours later Sebastian let his parents take over pushing the pram and persuaded himself to fall back a few steps. Fabian was attempting to hold both dogs on their leads as they walked along the lanes so Seb gave Mark a look and Mark went to give his young brother-in-law a hand while Sebastian fell further back to walk with his sister.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” smiled Mel.

“You alright then?” checked Seb. “I know it's not gonna be the most exciting weekend.”

Melanie shook her head.

“I'm meeting my new nephew, that's pretty exciting.”

“Were you alright last night?”

“Sure. Thanks for the earplugs.”

“Ah well I knew I ought to have a packet left over from races somewhere. Don't tell the others though, they were the only ones I could find.”

“Okay. Well, much appreciated.”

 

Seb looked on to where his mother was pushing the pram, leaning in a little over it to look at Teddy. He knew the baby would be fine. Seb felt a little better in the daytime and he wasn't sure if it was just getting past the initial concern or whether he really had got over-tired and stressed the day before. Either way Mark's plan helped him feel more in control and his mother seemed to have relaxed a little too, allowing not only her husband but Fabian and Mel to have their turn holding the baby. Seb still felt a little nervous at passing Teddy around and he had sat with his younger brother to be sure he really was holding the baby properly, but it had all gone without incident and it had been far easier to step in and take the baby back from his little brother after a few minutes than it had been his mother.

He still didn't really feel quite comfortable enough to let Teddy out of his sight, or at least out of his or Mark's, but Seb thought his brain was uncoiling enough at least to manage this weekend. Sebastian looked to Mel, judging that if he spoke quietly their parents wouldn't hear them.

“So um, I wanted to ask a favour,” he began.

“Oh? Sure, what do you need?” asked Mel.

“Yeah, um, just, I dunno, it might sound odd but Mark and me we're really a bit all over the place at the moment because we're up through the night with Teddy.”

Mel frowned and looked more closely at her brother.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah no it's fine, just we're kind of having to forget what's normal and just go with what works or we get totally knackered,” he explained.

“Right okay, well if I can help. I mean Mum's probably better looking after the baby but...”

“Ah,” Seb huffed a little laugh. “Actually it's not that, it's more looking after them, well not looking after exactly, but what Mark and I really need is just a chance to get a catch-up nap this afternoon.”

“Oh okay, so um what do you need exactly?”

“Just, can you keep Mum and Dad happy for a bit? I know Mum'll say she can take Teddy, but we're sort of trying to nap while he does.”

“With you you mean?”

“Yeah, well in his crib, it's just. I dunno, it's hard to explain, I don't think we'd be able to rest if he wasn't there with us.”

“Ah I see.”

“Do you? It probably sounds really weird. I know Mum could look after him, but, I just...”

“You'd be worrying?”

“It sounds stupid,” admitted Seb.

Mel gave a shake of her head.

“No it doesn't.” She looked on ahead to their parents a little way on. “They're not driving you up the wall already are they?”

Sebastian opened his mouth and Mel chuckled.

“Believe me, Stef tells all,” she explained.

“Ah.”

Seb smiled a little. It was a shame Stefanie wasn't here. He knew he wouldn't have to explain to his eldest sister, but then he tended to forget how much his sisters talked.

“It's just for an hour or so. We thought you could stick a film on or something while Fabe looks after the dogs, or I don't know, you could do that too and just see they're alright,” he suggested.

“It's fine. I'll keep them from bothering you for a bit.”

Sebastian sighed.

“It sounds awful.”

“No it doesn't. It's fine. No problem Seb, don't worry about things. Leave it with me, alright?”

“Are you sure?”

“Course.” Mel put a hand on his arm. “How much sleep did you actually get last night?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“About the usual. To be honest I've forgotten what a normal night's sleep is like. We're up and down like yo-yos and you just...” He puffed a breath. “It's fine. I'm not complaining. Honestly Mel we're so happy. I look at Teddy and I still can't believe our luck. We fought so hard for this. I'm not saying it's a problem.”

“You're just knackered.”

“Yeah. Happy knackered, but, yeah.”

“Good. I mean not the knackered bit, but Stef's the same.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah so she says. I spoke to her the other night again.”

“She told me. Okay well look, I don't have the same insight she does, but I'm still your sister, right? You can tell me stuff and it's fine.” Mel nodded forwards. “And I won't tell Mum.”

“Thanks,” smiled Seb. “Might be you one day and I can pay back the favour.”

“Ha, not much likelihood right now, but thanks.”

“Well a couple of years ago I wouldn't have predicted this myself, so you never know,” offered Seb.

Mel smiled and gave a tip of her head and Seb smiled back at her. It did feel a little as though they were conspiring together, but he'd known his sister would be onside when she had more than enough troubles herself with their parents. Sebastian had no doubt their little addition had brought more comments Mel's way about when she was going to settle down herself, as if his sister was consciously choosing not to, just to spite her parents. Life was far more complicated and inconvenient than that.

He saw Mark look back from where he was chatting with Fabian, each walking one of the dogs and Sebastian gave Mark a smile to tell him all was working out. Mark smiled back and gave him a wink which made Seb smile even more. Just a few more minutes talking with his sister and then he'd catch his parents up and talk to them instead. He might not get to push his own son in his pram, but he could watch over him and let Teddy see he was there. He'd find a balance.

  
  


  
  


By the time they got to put Teddy down for his nap both Seb and Mark were very grateful to be able to crawl into bed themselves. It did feel a bit weird to be doing this in the middle of the afternoon with most of Seb's family downstairs, but Teddy was already asleep so they'd decided to take the chance while they had it. Seb looked over one last time to be sure the baby was really fine in his crib then turned back to see Mark doing the same.

“I think we should follow his example,” suggested Mark.

Sebastian sighed and nodded, so the pair of them shuffled down under the duvet. All they had done was remove jeans and hoodies so they could properly relax, but Seb had flicked the lock across anyway. Nobody was really likely to wander in to their bedroom, but the whole point of this was to allow them to relax, so he'd locked the door and shut themselves in, just their little family on their own for a bit. Seb sighed again and settled in, resting his cheek into Mark's t-shirt clad shoulder.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Hm?”

“Thank you, for saying we should do this.”

“Oh.”

Mark wrapped his arms around Seb to keep him close and kissed his temple. He knew Seb would otherwise have felt duty-bound to force himself to stay downstairs looking after his visiting family until he was completely exhausted.

“It's fine sweetheart, Mel's minding the fort. She's a good lass.”

Seb smiled at the description and rubbed his cheek into Mark before closing his eyes. It could be three pm or three am, it didn't matter any more. Thirty seconds later all three of them were fast asleep.

  
  


Teddy was kind enough to sleep for a nearly an hour before he woke and began wailing at finding himself all alone in his crib without the feeling of one of his parents' warm body comforting him. Mark and Seb forced their eyes open and pulled the nice cosy duvet off to sit up. As Seb was closest he shuffled off the bed to pick the baby up, returning to sit on the bed, hushing Teddy and rocking him ever so gently against himself.

“Shhh Liebling, shh shh. Papa's here, we're both here, it's okay.”

He was about to ask Mark to help check if their son had woken due to needing a nappy change but Teddy quieted almost right away so he presumed that wasn't it and looking at the clock Seb could see he wasn't due a feed for a while yet. Mark had shifted over and was leaning in to look.

“He alright?” Mark checked.

“Mm, think so.”

“Do you think he's hungry?”

Sebastian looked down at the baby.

“He's quiet now. I think he just wanted us.”

“Let's just sit for a bit then, steal another five minutes.”

They managed to get back into position, sitting up slightly in bed, Mark pulling the duvet back over them as Seb rested into him, Teddy in his arms leaning into Mark too. Mark stroked over the baby's arm.

“You alright there kiddo? Did you just want Daddy and Papa, is that it? Hmm? Did you miss us?”

The baby pouted up at him as Mark looked in, his eyes still wet from crying.

“We're here Kleiner,” he assured, “we're always going to be here, don't fret.”

Sebastian kept his voice soft as they always seemed to when talking to Teddy. Somehow it came automatically, as if the baby's little ears weren't quite ready for normal tones. Seb wanted their baby's world to always be soft and gentle and reassuring so he always knew he was safe.

 

Even the dogs seemed to have picked this much up and never barked around the baby. Mark kept on joking that they knew they had a puppy to care for and though Seb did get a little nervous still with them getting too close to Teddy it was really only that he thought they might start licking his face and snuffling their noses in which would potentially spread germs when Teddy was so tiny and delicate, not that they would ever deliberately hurt him. Indeed the other day when Seb had gone to open the door to the postman who was being kept busy with all their deliveries of late, the dogs had gone with him and stood as sentinels either side of Seb, barking and looking very firmly at the potential intruder lest he try entering the house. It was a good job they knew his family from the summer or Sebastian suspected they might not have taken kindly to guests invading the house.

Seb looked to Mark.

“Do you think it's unsettling to Teddy to have so many new people coming to see him?”

Mark fitted his arm around Seb and looked at him.

“Darling he's okay. To be honest I don't think he really takes in so much at this stage.”

“I guess.”

“He was alright on our little walk with your mum and dad wasn't he?” pointed out Mark.

“Mm, I suppose. He was mostly asleep.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Well that's no bad thing.”

“I suppose he wouldn't sleep if he didn't feel safe.”

“Of course he's safe sweetheart.”

“I know. I just... I know none of them are going to drop him on his head.”

Mark laughed again and Seb turned a bit more to look at him.

“I _do_ know that,” Sebastian insisted. “Logically. I'm just trying to work on persuading the illogical part of my brain to accept that too.”

Mark nodded and kissed him on the cheek.

“Sure.”

“Don't you worry too?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark puffed a breath.

“I dunno sweetheart. I don't suppose I'd feel terribly comfortable letting your little brother babysit just yet.”

“Could you walk out of the room leaving him holding Teddy?” wondered Seb.

Mark paused and thought about it.

“Hmm, not yet I don't think, maybe when he's older.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Teddy or Fabian?”

“Both I guess. I think I'd just about manage leaving him with your mum for a little bit, but in all honesty after a couple of minutes I'd be fretting just the same. It's not just you, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“He's our son darling. Of course we're going to need to protect him and know he's always safe. I'm sure any decent parent is the same.”

“Do you think it'll get easier?”

“I'm sure it will.”

Sebastian nodded.

“He's just so small Liebling. I feel like I ought to be holding onto him the whole time.”

“Just you?” teased Mark raising an eyebrow.

“No I mean one of us. You or me.” Seb looked down at Teddy lying with them both. “It just feels so right. I feel so much calmer like this.”

Seb looked to Mark.

“Does that sound strange?”

Mark shook his head.

“No, why would it?”

“I don't know. I mean, I know when he's crying it's not so great, but when he's peaceful like this I just feel as though all the blood in my veins flows more slowly.”

Mark smiled and Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“It probably does sound strange,” he conceded.

“No it doesn't darling. It makes perfect sense. He's calm so we're calm. Of course it feels right to hold him close, that's exactly what he needs. Teddy might not consciously understand what's going on, but I'm sure he absorbs it all, absorbs us.”

 

He rested his head against Sebastian's and Seb let out a sigh.

“I guess I over-analyse things,” Seb admitted.

“You think about things,” countered Mark. “cos you have a big brain and you care about stuff.”

Seb gave him a half-smile.

“Big brain?”

“Yep. And you spend most of your life analysing things when driving, assessing danger, putting yourself in a state of high-alert all the time.”

“Don't you do the same?” challenged Seb.

Mark puffed out a breath.

“To some extent, but it's not so intense as in F1. Not as often for one thing.”

Sebastian frowned a little.

“You think it makes me stressed?”

“I think it's a factor. I'm not Dr Menton, but I know I've felt a change since I retired from F1. Plus we've had other stresses this past year.”

“Mm.”

Seb let out a sigh and Mark didn't want him to dwell on everything that had gone on.

“It's not just you sweetheart. Going through the adoption process is stressful, but we've got through it.”

Sebastian angled his head to look into Mark's eyes.

“We've still got a long way to go.”

“It's just paperwork.”

“You don't think there'll be any problems?”

“No. Really sweetheart there's no reason there should be. Rachel's got it in hand. We just have to go step-by-step until it's all finalised.

“I wish we could hurry it up.”

“I know. Me too, but it'll be alright. We'll get there. Don't be worrying about that, okay?”

“Okay, thank you Liebling.”

“That's alright.”

Sebastian let out another little sigh trying to let things go.

“I still get a bit anxious sometimes Liebling,” he confessed.

Mark lifted his head away to look at him.

“About this, or just generally?”

“I dunno, generally I guess.”

“More now or?”

“Just now and then.”

Mark nodded slowly.

“Is us having visitors making it worse?”

Seb puffed a long breath.

“Only bits. I'm much better today.”

“Good. You were tired yesterday darling, don't be too tough on yourself. You had no sleep, then work and all that technical stuff to take in, and then your family pitching up. It's a lot.”

“I spose.”

Mark stroked over Seb's arm.

“Don't beat yourself up about it. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you Liebling.”

 

Mark looked at him, thinking how Seb tended to feel he ought to repress his emotions and not let them show. He'd come such a long way, been through so much in the past couple of years, for longer than that been through horrors that lay buried in his memory. Panic attacks and nightmares were the way they spilled out, but he'd changed so much from the terrified and broken soul who had washed up on his doorstep only three years ago. Mark thought it took someone other than Seb to see how much he had developed. Unfortunately that stubbornness which had helped him survive also refused to let go of the notion that he ought to be perfect. As if anybody really was. Mark smoothed over Seb's arm once more and looked him in the eye.

“Darling if you feel anxious about anything, even if it's only a little thing, tell me, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb quietly.

“Even if you think it's stupid,” pressed Mark. “I promise I won't think it is, alright?”

“Alright, thank you.”

“Everybody worries about stuff to some extent darling. It's perfectly normal.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“What do you worry about?”

Mark paused. He wasn't sure saying 'mostly you' was terribly helpful.

“I dunno. I worry when you drive.”

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“I know you do the same. At least I'll be saving you that this year.”

Seb gave him a little smile.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. What else do I worry about? Hmm. Okay, well I worry a little bit how my team-mates are gonna take it when I tell them I'm on a year out. I should really call them both this week.”

“You'll think they'll take it badly?”

“No, not really. I think they'll be fine with whoever the team choose to fill in, but I kind of wish I could have told them in person beforehand and at the same time I wouldn't have wanted to put that on them to keep it secret so long.”

“They'll understand,” assured Sebastian.

“Yeah I guess. Other than that. Well Andreas has been really good, but I do worry a bit what the board will make of it.”

“They can't do anything.”

“I know, but even so.”

Seb shifted a little to look more directly at him.

“You are alright doing this aren't you?”

“Taking leave? Yes of course. I want to do it sweetheart. I wouldn't have said so otherwise. I think it'll be good for me.”

“Okay.”

“And it means I get to spend loads of quality time with this little guy.”

Mark reached to gently chubb Teddy's cheek.

“I'm not changing my mind. I'm just saying it's normal to have a few worries, that's all.”

“Okay,” accepted Seb.

“You know if I think about that, or anything else, I just look at Teddy and I remember that none of it matters, not really.”

They both looked at Teddy for a moment, then back at each other.

“What time is it?” Seb asked.

Mark turned to check.

“Just gone half three. Decent enough little nap.” He smiled down at Teddy. “Thank you sweetheart.”

“We should go down,” decided Sebastian.

“Sure.”

 

Mark shifted out of the way and got up off the bed, pulling his jeans and hoody back on before going round to take Teddy so Seb could do the same. They went back down into the lounge, Mark casting a quick look to Sebastian to be sure it was okay before handing Teddy over to his eager grandmother. They were half-way through a film and Fabian had come back inside, bringing the dogs with him.

“Do you want me to take them in the kitchen?” he checked.

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Nah they're fine there,” he assured seeing as Shadow and Simba were resting in front of the fire.

Sebastian had been tempted to sit beside his mother so he could watch over Teddy while she held him, but he could see the baby was fine so instead he offered to make drinks.

“I'll give you a hand,” offered Mark.

Seb shook his head.

“I'm fine.”

 

Mark looked at him and nodded, guessing that he'd rather he stayed in here where Teddy was. So he sat down whilst Seb took orders and went through to the kitchen. Sebastian boiled the kettle and set about making up a tray to take through. He heard a noise and saw the door opening and half-expected to see Mark, but it was his brother that came through.

“Oh hey, you alright?” Seb checked.

“I just thought I'd see if you needed any help,” Fabian replied.

“Um, you could get the milk. Thanks.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian poured boiling water into the teapot and cafetiere and took the milk Fabian brought to fill a little jug so everyone could help themselves.

“Thanks.”

Fabian nodded and put it back, then came to stand by Seb as he assembled everything.

“Feel better for your nap?” enquired Fabian.

Seb looked up from counting mugs onto the tray to his brother.

“Oh um, yeah thanks. Sorry for abandoning you.”

“That's alright. I played with the dogs for a bit.”

“Thanks. Poor things aren't getting much attention at the moment.”

“It's so weird seeing you and Mark with a baby,” commented Fabian.

Seb coughed a little laugh.

“Thanks.”

“No it's nice, it's just, I dunno, new.”

“New for us too.”

“Right. You're alright though?”

“Never better. Really Fabe, we're great. It's amazing. I still can't believe we got so lucky. Teddy's the best thing to ever happen to us.”

 

Fabian nodded. It really was a little strange to see his older brother as a parent. Seb had never seemed more grown-up. Somehow seeing Stef that way hadn't been such an adjustment, but then Fabian had watched her baby-bump growing and they had all been preparing for the baby coming. Plus his eldest sister was twice his age, so she'd always been an adult in Fabian's eyes. It wasn't quite the same with Seb, even if he was married and settled with Mark.

“I can still come over can't I?” Fabian checked.

Sebastian frowned.

“Of course you can.”

“I mean like, just me, not Mum and Dad and everyone.”

Sebastian turned sideways to look at his brother.

“Fabe you're always welcome here. You can still visit. Of course you can.”

“You won't be busy with the baby?”

Seb gave him a smile.

“Well yeah, we will be, but that doesn't mean we don't have time for you. I'm sorry this weekend, we're just, I dunno, still adjusting I guess and with Teddy being premature we have to give him so much attention right now.”

“Oh no that's okay. I didn't mean... I'm not complaining. It must be really hard getting up all through the night and stuff.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I dunno, it is and it isn't. Yeah we're knackered, but it's like there's never been anything more important in our whole lives. I look at Teddy and there's literally nothing I wouldn't do for him. Nothing. I knew I wanted a baby, but even so I don't think I knew how it would feel.”

“How does it feel?”

Seb shook his head.

“I'm not sure I can describe it properly. I love him so much. I know he's adopted, or will be, but he's _our_ son, he just is. He was from the moment we held him. Mark always said we'd know.”

Fabian huffed a little laugh.

“Mark's always sure of stuff.”

“Yeah.”

My rock, thought Seb. His solid support. If Seb wobbled occasionally, Mark was always there to set him right. He would do the same for their son, Seb was sure of it.

“I'm really happy for you, you know?” assured Fabian.

“Thanks.”

“And he's pretty cute, Teddy.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah he's beautiful. He might be small, but he's perfect.”

“He'll be alright though?”

“Hmm?”

“If he was born early?”

“Oh. No he's fine. It was only a couple of weeks. The doctor at the hospital said there were no issues and the midwife comes to check on him. He just needs lots of little feeds and sleeps a lot, just not for long spells like us unfortunately.”

“Right, but he'll grow right?”

“Of course. I mean really he wasn't meant to be born for another week, so in a way we're kind of thinking we go from there.”

“So he'll be newborn size then.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Well hopefully. Everybody's different, so every baby's a bit different. Just as long as he's healthy and safe I really don't care how big he is.”

“I'm sure he'll be alright,” assured Fabian. “Sofie was a bit early.”

“Right.”

“Not so much, but still, and she's totally fine. She's so big now, massive compared to Teddy.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah. Well they'll meet soon and we can see.”

 

Fabian nodded and Sebastian guessed his brother would like to come back with their eldest sister when she visited in a couple of weeks, but Seb didn't want to promise that when in all honesty he could do without adding to their guest roster for a while.

“Maybe you could come at Easter again,” he proposed instead. “Like last year? I know it's a way off yet.”

“Just me?”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Well I suspect Mum's going to want another visit at some point, but you can come on your own too. Teddy's going to want to get to know his Onkel Fabian.”

Fabian smiled.

“Great and when he's bigger I can play in the garden with him and stuff, give you and Mark a rest.”

“Ha, sounds good. Thanks. Okay we should take this through before it goes cold.”

 

Fabian took the tray and they went back through to the lounge to give people their drinks. Seb noticed straight away that Mark had Teddy back with him so as soon as he had poured his parents drinks Sebastian went to sit with them on the other sofa. As he did Mark gave Seb a little smile.

“Teddy decided he missed Daddy,” Mark explained quietly while Fabian and Mel made their own drinks at the coffee table in front of them.

Sebastian looked in at the baby to see a few wet streaks on his cheeks and frowned.

“I didn't hear him crying.”

Mark shook his head.

“Ah I took him straight back sweetheart. He's alright, aren't you mate? Just fine with Daddy.”

Mark smoothed those little cheeks dry and the baby blinked up, Mark shifting him so he could see both of them.

“Look here's Papa.”

“Hey Schatz,” smiled Sebastian.

Fabian turned around to look at them.

“Do you guys want a drink?”

“Oh if you don't mind mate, I'll have a tea thanks,” responded Mark.

“Seb?”

“Um, same, thanks.”

Sebastian took the offered mug while Mark did the same, resting it on the arm of the sofa away from Teddy. He seemed settled again, but as Seb took a sip of his drink it bothered him that he hadn't heard him cry whilst in the other room, even if it had only been for a few seconds before Mark scooped him up and Teddy calmed again. It didn't matter that their son would doubtless have come to no harm with his grandmother to comfort him instead, Seb knew it would take a while longer before he would have confidence enough to feel comfortable for their son to be without at least one of them at any one time. Maybe once he was at least past his due date? Seb wasn't going to rush it though. If he did Sebastian was sure all he would succeed in doing would be to actually make himself _more_ anxious about things which would be rather counter-productive. Smaller steps then.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next day they were back doing much the same; up early, Sebastian's family joining them for breakfast when they were up, then more sitting around followed by a walk out with the baby to get some fresh air. Heike insisted on cooking Sunday lunch so they let her, not arguing when she insisted that she didn't need any help and Mark and Seb should have a rest while they could. Sebastian sat with Teddy with his father on one side, Mark on the other on the main sofa while his siblings took up the other sofa. Fabian was flicking through channels on the television, looking for anything that might be worth watching and finding little other than cookery shows. Norbert looked over at his youngest son.

“Fabian I don't think there's anything on, just leave it.”

Fabian looked at the television for another moment as if wishing could suddenly make something more interesting appear, then sighed and switched it off.

“I thought the tennis was on,” he commented to Mark, “you know the Australian Open?”

“Starts tomorrow,” Mark informed him.

“Oh right.”

Norbert looked past Seb to where Mark held the baby at the other end of the sofa.

“I suppose that'll give you something to do if you're up in the middle of the night,” he remarked.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah maybe. He generally settles pretty quickly once you've fed or changed him, but I guess we could fit in a little viewing if he won't.”

Norbert nodded as he looked back. His son sat with his husband and their adopted baby. If he was entirely honest this hadn't quite been the future he had imagined, but it was what Seb wanted and what made him happy. They were both clearly rather tired, but that was to be expected. Norbert looked at the baby who was resting peacefully, plainly at home in his father's arms. A child with two fathers and no mother. When Norbert had been Sebastian's age such a thing would be pretty much unheard of, but that was not the world they lived in now. When his eldest son had finally told them he was gay Norbert had mistakenly assumed that a family was ruled out. He hadn't considered this possibility, but the main emotion Norbert now felt along with his wife was relief. Relief that Sebastian seemed so settled now, that along with Mark they had made a home and indeed a family, even if it was slightly unconventional, and that he was more a part of this family too once more.

 

Mark saw the way Norbert was looking at the baby and gave him a smile.

“You want to have another try holding him?” he offered.

Norbert smiled.

“Assuming I don't make him cry this time.”

“Nah he's half asleep,” assured Mark. “Sweetheart you want to pass him over?”

Sebastian did as requested and passed the baby from his husband to his father and watched as Norbert carefully held him, looking down at Teddy for a while before glancing back to Seb and Mark.

“Seems a long time now since Sofie was this small,” he noted.

“Nearly a year now,” commented Seb.

“Mm. Time flies. I suppose you should make the most of this time at home.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We got pretty lucky with the timing.”

“Indeed.” Norbert looked to Mark. “You're still taking the year off?”

Mark nodded.

“Yep.”

“All sorted with Porsche then?”

“Pretty much. The PR department are going to co-ordinate with RedBull about putting out a statement but we're going to run it past Rachel first.”

“Ah okay.”

“We'll let you know,” assured Seb. “Just in case.”

“Just in case of what?” frowned Norbert.

“Well press and that.”

“Ah.”

Norbert let out a little sigh. Even when they had something nice in their life it seemed they still had to worry about things like that.

“I mean we're hoping with it being out of season it won't be too bad, but they're bound to pick it up,” Seb explained.

Mark placed his hand over Sebastian's.

“I'm sure it won't be front page stuff sweetheart.”

Seb puffed a breath.

“I hope not. Anyway Dad we'll give you a heads up.”

Norbert shook his head.

“I should hope they'd leave well alone.”

“So would we,” agreed Mark.

“Hmm, okay well don't worry about us. The press know they get short shrift if they ever try contacting us,” asserted Norbert.

“Thanks.”

“Sorry, I hope there won't be anything,” offered Seb.

Mark shook his head and gave Seb's hand a rub.

“There won't be darling. It's not such a big deal.”

Sebastian nodded. He really did hope so. Britta had promised to head off as much as she could by using her contacts, but Seb suspected the tabloids would make something of it. Perhaps not front page stuff as Mark said, but there were bound to be stories printed. He was just going to have to take a firm line and not look at any of it. Mark had better not look either or Seb knew he would get pretty annoyed at it all. Surely nothing like the fuss that had come with the revelation of their relationship? That had been at least in part due to the circumstances being so public. If a photographer or reporter had the audacity to come to their gate this time around Seb was fairly sure that Mark wouldn't manage the level of restraint he had last time. Sebastian closed his eyes for a second praying it didn't come to that. It would be bad enough with media in the paddock, he was pretty sure they would regret it if they tried coming to the house. Hopefully they knew that.

  
  


  
  


They had finished lunch and were sat in the lounge as Mark brought through coffee. Heike had offered to take the baby so Seb could drink his, so he had passed Teddy over and was just taking a sip as Mark handed out more mugs when the baby started crying. Heike shifted him up in her arms.

“Oh hey now, shh, what's the matter?” she hushed.

“Might be nappy,” noted Mark from where he stood just passing Mel her drink.

“I'll check,” asserted Sebastian, taking his son back from his mother before she could offer herself.

From the way the baby was crying Seb was fairly sure it really was that his nappy needed changing, so he stood, holding the crying baby against him.

“I'll take him up.”

“Do you want some help?” asked Heike.

“It's fine.”

Mark looked to him about to offer as well, but Seb gave him a little shake of his head so Mark made sure everyone had all they needed before asking Fabian to help him find a film to put on while Sebastian took the baby upstairs.

  
  


 

Seb was just changing Teddy after what had proved to be a less than pleasant nappy, putting him into a fresh babygro that was one of the ones his mother had bought in the hope that would please her. He did up the poppers over Teddy's little chest and smoothed gently over his middle as the baby kicked his legs.

“There now Liebling, all clean and nice again.”

Teddy had been crying throughout, but now he seemed to catch up to the fact he was, as his father told him, clean and comfortable, and the baby slowed his wriggling as Seb continued to stroke gently over his middle to soothe him.

“That's it. Good boy. All alright now,” calmed Sebastian.

He found a tissue and dabbed the baby's cheeks dry, smiling down at him as Teddy looked right back. There was a tap on the door and Sebastian glanced over to see who it was, already knowing Mark wouldn't have knocked.

“Yes?”

The door opened to reveal his mother.

“Can I come in?”

Seb frowned.

“Of course.”

Heike crossed over the room to join him.

“I could hear him crying. Is he alright?”

“Oh, sorry.”

“No dear I just want to help,” she asserted.

“He's fine now. Just needed a clean nappy.”

“Right.”

Sebastian stroked a hand over the whispy hair on Teddy's head as he lay on the changing table.

“Alright now aren't you Schatz?”

“He's blonde,” observed Heike, realising she hadn't seen her grandson without one of the ever-present little fleecy hats keeping him warm.

“Hm?”

“Teddy. He's going to have blonde hair.”

“Oh, I guess.”

“Was his mother blonde?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Dunno. We never met her, she'd already...”

He stopped and his mother nodded.

“Of course, well...”

 

Seb looked for Teddy's hat to put back on him so he didn't get cold, then picked him up to hold against his chest, the baby snuggling his cheek in by Seb's shoulder.

“Do you want me to take him?” offered Heike.

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“He's just settling down.”

“Mm.”

Heike looked at her son thinking he did seem very at home holding the baby. It felt as though she ought to be doing more to help them, more even than when her daughter had had her baby, but she kept getting rebuffed. Seb seemed determined to prove that they didn't need help. She couldn't say the baby wasn't plainly well cared for though and Heike knew that they had been to all those parenting classes, so they had to know what they were doing. Rather more than she had expected if she was entirely honest. Heike looked at the way her son held the baby, shifting his weight from foot to foot slightly to settle him.

“You've made it very nice in here,” she praised as she looked at the nursery.

“Thanks.”

“Yellow's a very restful colour.”

“We thought so,” agreed Seb. “It's not really finished yet.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah we've ordered some new curtains to match and a blind so he can have naps in here when he's older.”

“He's still in with you for now though?”

“Yeah.”

“I suppose that makes it easier if you're up and down in the night,” allowed Heike.

“Mm, plus we just think it's better for now. He needs to know we're there.”

Heike nodded.

“You do look tired though dear.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Mum.”

“No I'm not criticising. I know what it's like. I have had four you know.”

“Yes Mum I know.”

“I'm just saying I understand. I want to help.”

Sebastian looked to his mother.

“I know, but... it's fine, we're managing.”

“I'm sure you are. He seems a very happy little thing.” Heike peered in to look at the baby. “Blonde hair, blue eyes. You know he reminds me of you when you were a baby. You were small too. Perhaps not so very small, but still.”

“It's just a coincidence.”

“I know. A nice one though, surely?”

“I guess. We'd be happy however he turns out as long as he's healthy.”

“Of course dear. That's all any parent wants.”

“Mm.”

 

Seb turned his head to look at Teddy and saw his eyes had closed and he was drifting off to sleep once more. He was due a feed in a bit so he probably wouldn't sleep for long, then Seb was hoping he would drop back off for a bit longer so they could steal another family nap.

“You know I still remember what it was like, up all through the night,” remarked Heike. “It never seemed to end.”

Seb looked back to his mother and nodded.

“You seem to be doing a very good job dear,” she assured him.

“Thanks.”

“Your father up didn't get up when you cried, not with any of you. I mean of course I had to feed you, he could hardly help with that and he had work in the morning, so I suppose it was different.”

“We're always going to be different Mum.”

“I know. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It's good. I'm sure Jan helps your sister more than your father ever did with me. Different times. Your father loved you just as much, it's just how things were.”

 

Sebastian nodded again, hardly knowing what to say. His mother had never really said anything like that before, but he knew his parents had been rather traditional; Mum home with the kids while his dad worked. When he had been a child he had never questioned it, but the fact they were so traditional had made him worry when he was younger how they would accept him not being so. Heike frowned a little at him being so quiet and placed a hand on Seb's arm.

“We're very happy for you and Mark you know. We just want to help.”

“I know Mum.”

“I'm not trying to say you can't do it,” asserted Heike, wondering if that was it. “Look how content he is now. He really is a lovely little thing.”

“Thanks.”

“I just worry, that's all. You do look tired. I know it's to be expected, but if there's anything we can do. If you need any advice or anything at all sweetheart, do ask us, do call.”

“Okay. Thanks. I mean we do call,” asserted Seb.

“I know you do, but just because you're far away doesn't mean we can't help. At least let us try. I know you've always been so independent and you have Mark, but everyone needs some extra help at some point.”

“Thanks.”

“We can always come over, or I can, if you need someone to babysit or help out for a few days.”

Seb nodded.

“That's very kind Mum but you do know Mark's taking a year out.”

“Well okay, but even after that.”

“Sure. Thanks, we probably will need that at some point when Mark's back racing.”

“So you'll let us help?”

“Of course.” Seb looked at her. “I do appreciate it Mum, we both do. I'm sorry if we've not been... I dunno, leaving you on your own and stuff this weekend, it wasn't meant as a slight. I know you came to spend time with Teddy.”

Heike shook her head.

“We came to see how you are. Yes to see Teddy, but you too. I'm your mum, I'm always going to worry about you. It comes with the territory.”

 

Sebastian nodded but as he looked at his son in his arms he suddenly felt tearful and as he blinked it away his mother saw it.

“Sweetheart what's the matter?”

“I'm fine, sorry.”

Heike sighed.

“Are you worrying about Teddy? It must be hard with him so small and needing so much attention. I'm not surprised you're tired. It must be exhausting. I always thought Stef was making work for herself having to make up bottles for Sofie, but there's no option for you I suppose, up and down to the kitchen all night long.”

“We're not complaining.”

“I know you're not, but you don't have to pretend it's easy either. I'm on your side sweetheart.”

Sebastian nodded again and his mother gave his arm a rub.

“You're so quiet. Won't you tell me what's worrying you?” she pressed.

Seb closed his eyes for a moment, then reopened them to look first to Teddy sleeping, then his mother who hadn't looked away.

“I dunno Mum, I guess I do feel a bit clingy.”

“With Teddy?”

“Yeah. I mean it probably is just cos I'm tired.”

Heike nodded.

“I'm sure, but he's our grandson, you know we'd look after him if you just need a break.”

“We relax better with him there,” explained Seb. “Sorry, I know that sounds ungrateful.”

“No it doesn't, but I was going to offer to stay a few days, let your father take Fabian home.”

Seb looked to the baby and Heike had her answer.

“It was just an idea,” she conceded.

Seb looked back to her.

“Sorry Mum it's very kind and I do appreciate it, but Mark's family are coming next and we just...”

“Okay, whatever you need.”

Sebastian hated the idea that he was hurting his mother by rejecting her offers of help, but for all their good intentions having his family stay was making him feel more stressed. He hoped Mark's family coming wouldn't have the same effect.

“We will try to come and visit some time,” he offered. “And you could come again, maybe, I'm not sure when, I guess we'll need to look at the schedule.”

Heike nodded. That was what she got for letting her little boy go off into the world too young; a child who lived 500 miles away and a grandchild she might get to see every few months if she was lucky.

 

“He really is beautiful,” she praised.

“Yeah he is,” agreed Seb quietly as he looked again at his now sleeping son, little face squashed into him, little chest breathing in and out against him. “He's everything we dreamed of.”

Heike sighed. Seb had been quiet all through Christmas and now even when they had what they wanted he was still distant.

“You are happy aren't you sweetheart?” she checked.

“Of course we are.”

“Is it that you're worried about the adoption?”

Sebastian felt a horrible clutching sensation in his heart. He didn't want to think about that. His mother saw the look in his eyes.

“Is that it? Oh sweetheart, I thought you said it was all in hand?”

“It is.”

“So there's no problems?”

“No it's just, Rachel says there's no reason to worry, it's just there's no way to speed the process up and I guess... I dunno, I'll feel better when it's finalised.”

Heike nodded.

“Of course. Well I'm sure it'll be alright. You said there was no family.”

“There's not, at least none they can find.”

“No sign of the father?”

“We're his fathers,” insisted Sebastian.

Heike rubbed over his arm.

“Of course you are, of course you are dear, I didn't mean that. I just...”

She sighed, wondering if she was getting things wrong with her eldest son who always seemed so sensitive. It was hard to sympathise without making him worry more. Perhaps all she could do was be upbeat?

“So then there's no reason to worry is there? Mark's right, it'll just take its time.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sure it must be hard though.”

“Mm.”

Heike nodded. She wasn't going to get more. She stroked over his arm once again and gave him a smile.

“Well I don't suppose we can do much to help that, but anything we _can_ do just ask, okay?”

“Thanks, really Mum I do appreciate it.”

“Okay then.”

“I should go down, Mark will be worrying.”

Heike nodded, at least hopefully Seb was telling Mark what was bothering him.

  
  


  
  


  
  


When they finally left just before five that afternoon Heike gave her son an extra long hug and reminded him to call if there was anything she could do. She gave Mark a smile as he stood slightly further back in the hallway holding the baby and stepped in to give him a half-hug on his free side, then kissed Teddy's cheek. As all the others exchanged hugs and made their exit out to the waiting taxi Heike passed Seb once more.

“Remember, any time.”

“Yes Mum. Thanks for coming.”

“Of course. Well take care of yourselves. Get some rest if you can.”

“We'll try.”

“Good.”

“I'm sure they'll be glad to get the house to themselves for a bit,” noted Nobert.

Fabian and Mel came back from ferrying bags to the taxi and as Mel heard that she smiled while Mark who had moved to stand nearer Seb replied pacifically.

“It's been lovely to see you all.”

With their last goodbyes and admonishments from Heike that they don't let Teddy get cold stood on the doorstep they waved Seb's family off and shut the door.

  
  


Mark gave Seb a smile.

“Alright sweetheart?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Cup tea? Snuggle on the sofa?”

“Snuggle.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and nodded, then gave him a kiss on the cheek. House back to themselves and no worrying about anyone else. The fire was already lit so they could just sit back in their normal spots on the main sofa leaning into each other, Teddy held between them both. Just their own little family. Seb leant his head down on Mark's shoulder.

“Can we have an early night Liebling?” he requested.

Mark kissed his temple.

“Course.”

Never mind that it would still be interrupted just as much. They could simply go up after dinner and give Teddy his bottle with them in bed to try to make him feel nice and settled in the hope that he would go down for a while. If they were lucky Teddy might let his parents get a bit of rest before Teddy cried because he was hungry, or for a changed nappy, or simply because he had woken up on his own and wanted a comforting cuddle from his parents. Fingers crossed that wouldn't be for a while.

  
  


  
  


As they settled into bed Seb looked over one more time to be sure Teddy was asleep before lying down next to Mark and letting out a little sigh. Mark stroked over his side.

“Tired?”

“Mm.”

“We don't have to do anything tomorrow,” assured Mark.

“Yeah.”

Mark frowned.

“What is it?”

“I just... I dunno Liebling. I feel like I wasn't very welcoming, especially to my mum.”

“Ah sweetheart don't.”

“I just feel a bit guilty about it. She was trying so hard, I know she was.”

“Darling she had lots of holds of Teddy, she got to feed him, she made meals so she could feel she was looking after us.”

“She offered to stay and I kindof said no,” confessed Sebastian.

“Oh right.”

Sebastian scrunched his face.

“Well not exactly no. I didn't say anything and she knew that meant no.”

Mark puffed out a long breath.

“Seb don't go digging a hole for yourself. We need our own space for a bit. If your mum stayed then it'd be straight into my lot pitching up and we'd never have a break.”

“Yeah. I just don't want to seem ungrateful.”

“You're not.” Mark raised his hand to place it by Seb's. “Really darling, you're not. What did she say?”

“She said she understood.”

“So it's okay then?”

“I guess.”

“She's your mum darling, she wants to help, of course she does, but if she can help by giving us space then that's okay to ask for.”

 

Sebastian nodded and moved in closer to rest his head on Mark's shoulder. He sighed against him then tipped his head up to look at Mark.

“She asked if I was worrying about the adoption,” Seb admitted.

Mark looked down at him.

“You're not are you?”

Sebastian sighed.

“A bit.”

“Darling there's no reason there should be any problems.”

“I know. I mean logically I do.”

“But you're still worrying?”

“I'm trying not to.”

Mark sighed.

“I wish we could hurry it up too sweetheart, but we just have to wait.”

“Yeah.”

“Don't focus on that, okay? He's our son, we just need the paperwork to go through and we'll be all official.”

Sebastian nodded against him and Mark wrapped his arms around Seb to reassure him. That busy mind still whirling even when exhausted.

“You just need some rest sweetheart, just close your eyes and sleep, just sleep,” soothed Mark in a voice as soft as that used for the baby.

Seb did as he was told and slipped away, his body too tired to let him do anything else.

  
  


 

  
  


Sebastian jerked awake, no idea how much time had passed as he suddenly sat up away from Mark. He blinked over towards the cradle thinking that the baby must have woken him and that was why his heart was thumping, but in the low light from the bedside lamp they left on with a 10 watt bulb in now, he could see the Teddy was still fast asleep. Beside him Mark felt the disturbance and blearily sat up, rubbing his face at the prospect of yet another feed or whatever it was now.

“Sorry Liebling.”

“Hmmph?”

Mark looked at him, his eyes half closed.

“I just woke up. Sorry.”

Seb looked to be sure that Teddy really was fine, then pulled Mark to lie back down with him, heads resting together on the pillow.

“Everything okay?” checked Mark, a little more awake now.

Sebastian said nothing for a moment, trying to work out what had disturbed him. Then it came to him and he closed his eyes.

“Sweetheart?”

Seb looked back at him and sighed.

“I had a bad dream that's all.”

 

Mark shuffled his body closer. Sebastian having bad dreams in the night was nothing new, but there had been none since Teddy came into their lives. They'd hardly had time to dream given how disrupted their sleep had been.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mark asked.

Seb turned his head for a moment in the direction of the crib just a couple of feet from the bed, then looked back to Mark.

“About Teddy?” Mark guessed.

“It was... I don't know, strange. I don't know what had happened, but I was scared, really scared. Someone was coming to try to take him away.”

Mark sighed.

“Oh sweetheart.”

He pulled Seb in tighter.

“Darling that won't happen.”

“I know it wasn't real, but... I felt so scared, so helpless. They were coming. I don't know who 'they' were, but I could feel the threat getting closer as if they were going to break the door down and take him away. They were going to hurt him, they were going to snatch him from us and Teddy was crying and he was afraid too...”

Sebastian took several sharp breaths as the memory brought back the fear in himself, flooding adrenaline through his body. Mark rubbed his hands over Seb's body through his t-shirt.

“It's alright, it's alright,” he soothed. “It's just a bad dream darling. That couldn't happen. I would never, never let that happen. No one is going to take our son and we would never let somebody hurt him.”

Mark rested his forehead into Seb and spoke softly.

“It was just a bad dream,” he repeated.

Sebastian let himself absorb Mark for a moment then moved his head to look at him.

“I was lying on the floor. In the lounge I think. All I could do was lie Teddy down and curl my body around him so he was protected, hidden in the middle. You were stood in front of us and the dogs were barking. Teddy was crying and I was trying to hush him so we could hide, but they were coming, the door was going to open. I couldn't stop it. It was about to open and I was so scared all I could do was close my eyes, but it wouldn't stop him.”

Seb's voice had been speeding up, but he stopped abruptly, his eyes suddenly filled with tears. Mark sighed.

“Him?” he noted.

Sebastian closed his eyes to calm himself.

“Sweetheart,” pressed Mark quietly. “It's not real. Your subconscious was getting things tangled.”

He stroked over Seb's hair and down his cheek. Mark wanted to cry at the terrible things that hid deep in the repressed parts of Seb's mind. Opening doors that bespoke terrifying intrusions he was powerless to stop, curling up in fear and closing his eyes though he knew it did nothing to prevent what would happen, and fear, such fear buried deep inside. No wonder Seb struggled so badly with not being able to control his fate and by extension now, their son's fate.

“I know it wasn't real,” allowed Sebastian.

“Okay.”

Sebastian sighed.

“It doesn't even make sense. I wouldn't lie on the lounge floor. I'd take him upstairs, lock us in here.”

Mark stroked over his cheek again.

“Darling dreams don't have to make sense.”

“My subconscious is pretty messed up.”

“No. There's just a lot in there, okay?”

 

Sebastian pulled in against him and pressed his face into Mark's shoulder just to bury himself safely there for a moment. Mark smoothed over his back, thinking what else to say when the baby started crying and they pulled apart.

“I got it,” assured Mark.

He climbed out of bed to go around to pick up Teddy, hushing him as he held him against his chest, rocking him slightly.

“Hey hey, it's alright,” he soothed.

Sebastian had sat back up.

“Is it time for his feed?”

“Can you look?”

“Oh, yeah sorry.”

Sebastian checked the time and shook his head.

“Not for another hour.”

Mark came and sat on the edge of the bed by him. Seb leaned in to check if it might be a nappy cry, but no, not that either. He looked to Mark.

“Do you think I upset him?”

Mark shook his head.

“We were quiet.”

“But could he feel it?”

“Seb,” sighed Mark. “Sweetheart he just woke, like he does.”

The baby was quieting now, his high-pitched cries subsiding.

“There now Teddy, you're alright aren't you mate? You're alright,” he soothed.

 

Sebastian shifted over to lean into Mark, still slightly behind him with his legs trapped under the duvet Mark sat on. He looked in to be sure that Teddy was calming down and Mark turned his head.

“You take him, we'll settle in for a bit.”

“I think you should hold him Liebling. I don't want him absorbing bad vibes from me.”

Mark sighed, then decided now wasn't the time to argue whether that was even possible.

“Just hold him a sec while I get back in.”

Mark passed Seb the baby, then went back around and they rearranged themselves in bed, Mark taking Teddy back as they lay propped against the pillows, Seb resting into Mark.

“You sure you don't want to hold him?” Mark checked.

“I just need to calm down a bit.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and sighed it out slowly. He put his cheek on Mark's shoulder.

“I know it was just a silly dream Liebling,” he conceded.

“Not silly. It wasn't nice, but it wasn't real. Nobody is going to come for Teddy and nobody is going to hurt him or you. I would never let that happen.”

“I know.”

Mark looked down at Teddy, then to Seb, speaking softly so they were all calmed.

“There's no birth family, no reason they could object to us. Rachel, Laura, the midwife, they've all said we're doing a good job. Teddy's fine. He's going to get bigger and stronger and we're going to be there to take care of him and love him and everything's going to be fine.”

Sebastian took another slow breath as he took that all in.

“Yeah. I know it's irrational Liebling.”

“If I could pay someone to fast-track the paperwork I would,” asserted Mark, “but there's no short-cuts. We're just got to tough it out and focus on what's important.”

Seb nodded and fitted his arm around so he was holding onto Teddy too.

“No one's going to take him away,” he stated quietly.

“No darling, they're not. Everything's going to be okay.”

Sebastian finally felt himself settled just as the baby was. He gazed at him for a little while, then closed his eyes. Mark looked from one to the other. Both husband and son were asleep. They were both safe and calm, so Mark simply kissed Seb's forehead and lay propped with them both leaning into him. He was tired too, but he'd rather not disturb them for now.

Mark decided would just have to try to get some extra naps in during the week. This was all making Le Mans look like a breeze. Mark smiled to himself as he thought how his main job this week was to call Timo and Brendon. No doubt they'd find the comparison hilarious. In all honesty he wasn't really concerned about them right now. They were good blokes, they'd surely accept things as they were and then Mark could go back to his top priority, his family.

  
  


 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, Seb really needs some decent sleep and poor Mark too.
> 
>  
> 
> I on the other hand, clearly have some spare time on my hands at the moment.


	199. Nessun Dorma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, a happy Christmas to everyone, or if you don't celebrate it, happy New Year in advance :)

* * *

  


 

Given that they had less than a week until yet more family were going to be turning up, Seb and Mark sat down on Monday morning and worked out a bit more of a plan. It helped Seb to feel he was more in control of things, even if they wrote off any idea of Teddy really having more of a schedule than his approximate feed times. They set those down, then around it they had the midwife visit, Mark calling his team-mates and Sebastian needing to go over a few things sent from work before he was due back in at the factory again the following week. Other than that they just earmarked in walks and a couple of bathtimes for Teddy and beyond that they knew anything more specific was just a pipedream. When they had it all set out a piece of paper it looked like a lot, but the idea was that they would be firm with themselves to at least go to take those naps twice a day when Teddy seemed to be co-operating. If nothing else it did help them see how many windows they had where that could potentially fit in.

Mark puffed out a breath as they scanned the details.

“What do you think?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I like having at least a vague plan. We'll just have to take him up for a proper nap when we can.”

“Yep. I was thinking, are you wanting to have training time fitted in?”

Seb scrunched his face. He knew he should, but he shook his head.

“Next week maybe.”

“Alright. Well at least we'll be taking the dogs out for walks.”

“Yeah.” Seb looked at the sheet again, then let out a laugh. “Umm, Liebling.”

“Mm?”

“Okay so we've got all Teddy's feeds down.”

“Yeah?”

“And not actually put down any mealtimes for us.”

“Ah.”

Mark laughed and shook his head, looking down to Teddy in his arms currently having a nice post-bottle rest.

“Good point sweetheart. Well we'll fit them in wherever. I think it's just nice to see opportunities where we can have a catch-up rest. I'm rather more concerned with that than meals.”

“Hmm, guess so. Alright, well all we need now is for Teddy to agree to sleeping for more than half an hour at a time.”

Mark smiled down to Teddy.

“You can do that for Daddy and Papa can't you mate?”

Sebastian smiled too. Their plan might be optimistic, but it was better than nothing.

“Pauline'll be here soon,” he noted.

Mark looked back up to him.

“She'll be thrilled there's loads to do.”

“Ach Mark.”

Mark shrugged.

“She likes being busy. Don't worry sweetheart we can tell her she doesn't need to do all the bedrooms in one go.”

“Hmm, I bet she does.”

 

Mark huffed a laugh. Pauline probably would feel the need to power on and get the house back in shape post visit. At least with her coming in each weekday at the moment she could break it down into stages.

“Tell you what,” he decided. “It looks nice out this morning. Why don't we get the papoose out and lug this little man up the hill and over the fields to give our brains a good clear while Pauline hoovers?”

Sebastian looked out at the blue sky visible through the kitchen window. Teddy didn't like the noise the hoover made, so an early walk might be best.

“Sounds good Liebling, maybe the fresh air will persuade him to have a proper nap afterwards?”

“Worth a go,” agreed Mark. “Right, you take him sweetheart. I'll just tidy breakfast so Pauline isn't walking into a complete tip at least.”

Sebastian took back the baby who blinked his eyes open at the disturbance. Seb looked down at him, shifting Teddy into one arm so he could stroke over his cheek. He felt so much less stressed this morning. A nice walk out in the sunshine and cold air would do him even more good. A new week, a bit of a plan and he wasn't going to _think_ about more visitors coming until at least Thursday.

  


  


  


  


The following day his eldest sister sent Seb a text saying she didn't know when was good to call, so if he could ring back if he got a moment early afternoon would suit her. Sebastian mentioned it to Mark who noted that with both of them having babies now they had to negotiate timings, though at least they both understood. Seeing as Stef was meant to be visiting after the Mark's parents Sebastian guessed it might be regarding that, so as Mark assured him he was perfectly fine on his own sat feeding Teddy in the lounge after their own lunch, Seb went to sit in the kitchen to call his sister.

The phone rang for a while, but Seb let it ring, hoping it was giving his sister time to answer rather than disturbing them. He was just wondering if he was leaving it too long when Stefanie's voice came through.

“Hey, sorry, I left my phone in my coat pocket,” she apologised.

“Oh no that's okay. Is it a good time?” checked Seb.

“Yeah we're good. I'm in the lounge, Sofie's just having a play on the floor.”

“Aw, hi from Onkel Seb.”

Stefanie sat forwards to where her daughter was a foot away on the carpet sat patting at brightly coloured plastic shapes on one of the toys she had been given for Christmas.

“Onkel Seb says hi Sof,” she told her.

Sofie babbled something as her mother looked at her, then went back to paying more attention to her exciting new toy she had been given for Christmas, so Stef sat back up.

“She says hi back. Kinda.”

“She alright?”

“Yep just up from her post-lunch nap, full of beans now and having a play.”

Seb smiled. He rather looked forwards to Teddy being a bit bigger and able to play.

“What about you?” enquired Stef. “Is Mark there?”

“Ah no he's got Teddy in the lounge. I'm in the kitchen. The dogs are here though.”

Sebastian freed a hand to give Shadow and Simba a stroke where they had come to join him.

“And how are you?” asked Stef.

“Fine.”

“Yeah? Mum said you were getting a bit worn out.”

Sebastian sighed a little and his sister heard it.

“Yeah okay, I know it's not so helpful to be told that,” she offered.

“Mm, I dunno. It's fine. I guess I was getting a bit over-tired last week.”

“And then to add to that you get everyone pitching up so you're even more tired?”

Sebastian paused, but it was Stef. He knew she would understand.

“Mm, pretty much. I feel a bit bad about it, but I have to admit it's nice to be just us now.”

“Mel said Mum was stressing you out.”

“Ah well that's a bit unfair. She was really good. She cooked and tidied up and she was really trying Stef.”

“But?”

Seb shook his head, no fudging things with Stef.

“Well... I guess it was a bit much having everyone here.”

“Yeah I know what you mean. You're already knackered, then you end up a prize exhibit.”

“I know they just wanted to see Teddy.”

“Sure, but you're not too sad they've gone?”

Seb was quiet for a moment.

“Just between us?” he checked.

“Course.”

“No really Stef. I feel bad enough as it is.”

“Seb I'm not gonna go tell Mum she can be a bit over-bearing sometimes,” assured Stefanie. “I'm in the same boat as you aren't I?”

“Sorry.”

“No it's okay. And I guess I'm not exactly the same seeing as Sof isn't tiny any more and she occasionally gives us something close to a night's sleep now.”

“Mm.”

“How are you doing? Really I mean?” pressed Stef.

Seb puffed a breath.

“Yesterday we sat down and tried making out a plan.”

“A plan?”

“Yeah, you know, a bit of a time-table with all his feeds, any visits and stuff we have to do, just so we could see more what we're doing.”

Stef raised her eyebrows.

“Is he sleeping at set times?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“No. Ha, god no, well, after feeds he tends to nap a bit, but no I just mean so we can see where we might have gaps where he _might_ sleep and then we're trying to be get proper naps too. At least one in the morning and one in the afternoon when we put him down.”

“Oh. Okay then.”

“Does it sound strange?” wondered Seb.

Stefanie smiled.

“It sounds very you. Is Teddy going along with this plan then?”

“Mm, sort of. We got a half hour nap this morning anyway and it just feels better to have a proper lie down in bed.”

“Fair enough. If I were you I'd do it as much as possible. How's it going through the night?”

“Pff, knackering. At first we had to set the alarm to wake for his feeds, now he's waking us.”

“Ah well get used to that.”

“I think I am already. Honestly Stef I can't even remember life before this.”

“Yeah. Ah well. I'm glad you're doing better this week. Don't worry about Mum. I think I've already got annoyed with her enough times that she knows she has to back off a bit occasionally.”

Seb sighed.

“I just feel bad cos she came for a special visit and I could hardly let go of Teddy,” he explained. “I'm so clingy with him.”

“That's normal. You've managed to leave him now though?”

“Only with Mark. I just can't do it. Something inside me just... I don't know, if one of us isn't with him I start feeling a bit... panicky.”

 

Stefanie sighed, knowing how her younger brother was susceptible to getting upset past the point where he could manage it.

“I know that sounds crazy,” admitted Seb.

“No it doesn't,” assured Stef. “It's normal to worry and want to be sure, really _sure_ your baby is safe.”

“I know he would have been with Mum. I mean my head knows, but I can't seem to tell the rest of me that.”

Stefanie shook her head.

“It's instinct Seb. I promise it's totally normal. Especially seeing as Teddy is so small. He needs special care doesn't he? All those extra little feeds and worrying that he's warm enough in this cold. No wonder you're fretting a bit.”

“I guess. I just feel a bit bad making Mum think I don't trust her.”

“I'm sure she doesn't think that.”

“I hope not. You won't tell her any of this?”

“I won't. I promise Seb. It's just us, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Stefanie took a deep breath then spotted that Sofie had upended her toy and couldn't work out how to put it back.

“Hang on a sec,” she requested.

Sebastian frowned, then a moment she was back.

“Sorry, just sorting Sof out. Right, where were we?”

“I was being an obsessive parent and you were making me feel better.”

Stefanie laughed.

“Ah no, don't be silly. You're a good parent.”

“You've not even seen yet.”

“I don't need to see. Anyway I will soon won't I?”

“True. We've got Mark's parents this weekend as well.”

“Have you?”

“Mm.”

“Sounds busy.”

“Actually I think we did well to put them all off turning up the day after we told them we got Teddy,” related Seb.

Stef smiled.

“Yeah. At least you have distance on your side.”

“Mm, except then they have to stay.”

“So you could do without Mark's lot as well then?”

“Ah I don't know. They're a bit...”

“What?”

Seb pulled a face, feeling bad to say it.

“They're a bit more relaxed about stuff,” he confessed.

“Ah.”

“That sounds awful.”

“It sounds about right,” concurred Stef.

“I really did appreciate our family coming too.”

“Yeah but I bet you wished it was only for an afternoon.”

 

Sebastian didn't answer, so Stef did.

“I know I'd struggle with a full weekend of everyone moving in. Have you got work as well this week?”

“Not this week. I'm in next.”

“Ah well that's something. Okay look, we're meant to be coming at the end of next week.”

“Mm.”

“So I think we should have another look at the calendar,” decided Stef.

“Oh no Stef I do want to see you,” assured Seb.

“I know, but you're getting stressed and that's no good.”

“You won't stress me.”

“No but you'll still have visitors and ones with a baby too. Sofie still wakes up in the night and I bet two lots of them crying won't feel that restful.”

“She can stay in the nursery.”

“Teddy's still with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Right, well that's very kind, but I think if we looked at when you've got work and when Jan's free, we'd be better off pushing it to February. Then you'll have had a little break from having to play host and you might actually be looking forward to visitors, not dreading them.”

Sebastian sighed.

“It's not exactly dread.”

“Yeah okay, but a gap couldn't hurt?”

“I do want to see you, all of you.”

“Great and I want to see you, but I'd rather do it when you're in a better place. We've not bought tickets yet.”

“We could send the plane,” Seb offered.

Stefanie laughed.

“Don't be silly. To do a two hour flight?”

“We've done it.”

“That's because you're always dashing around the world. No we'll work out a date and sort it all out. I'll talk to Jan tonight.”

“Are you sure he won't mind us cancelling?”

“You're not, we're just shifting the date. He'll be fine. I promise.”

Seb paused. It did sound better.

“I should probably speak to Mark.”

“Is he likely to object?” pressed Stef.

“No, guess not,” Seb admitted.

“Great, there we go then. Teddy will be a little bigger too, and you'll hopefully be a bit more into the swing of things.”

“Hopefully. Yeah okay. Actually it's his due date this weekend.”

“Wow! Gosh it feels like ages you've had him already.”

“I know. Three weeks early.”

“Three long weeks.”

“Yeah. Good ones though.”

“Of course. Well spend more time trying to make the most of things, not stressing. Everyone wants to get involved, but you're allowed to say no.”

“Hmm. Jess and Jenson want to visit too.”

“ _Seb_.”

“I know...” Sebastian sighed. “I was going to tell them the weekend after you were meant to come.”

“Oh my god Seb, so you'd have four weekends in a row? That's crazy.”

“Mm, maybe.”

“Definitely,” insisted Stef. “Stop putting everyone else first. You are not going to be offending people. You're too polite.”

“I just... I do want to see people.”

“Yes but that doesn't mean you have to turn your house into a hotel. You'll drive yourself into the ground.”

“We do have Pauline helping.”

“Even so.”

“Hmm. I suppose I could ask Jenson if they might be visiting his family any time soon and could just come for an afternoon.”

 

Stef sat back on her sofa, half an eye making sure that Sofie couldn't actually swallow the plastic piece she was now chewing.

“Now you're talking. Right, do that. We'll rearrange our trip and no more agreeing to host all and sundry when you've got enough to deal with.”

Sebastian smiled.

“That's me told.”

“It is. I'm your big sister. You have to listen to me.”

“I do.”

“I know you do. I'm only bossy when I have to be.”

“Thanks. Okay, I do appreciate it.”

“No problem.”

“I should get back through.”

“Sure. Alright well you talk to Mark, I'll talk to Jan and we'll re-plan. When do you have to go testing?”

“Very end of Feb, start of March.”

“Great, so we've plenty of time. There we are then. Go on, bet you that feels better doesn't it?”

Sebastian smiled and rubbed over Shadow's fur where he pressed into his thigh.

“Yeah it does.”

“Less stress, more happy.”

“Ha, can we add in more sleep?”

“If you find a way feel free to let me know.”

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head.

“Having said all that, I really do wish you lived just down the road,” he admitted.

“Yeah me too. Ah well. I'm here on the phone. Oh, no Sof, don't do that.”

“She alright?”

“Yeah just crawling into the fireplace. I've gotta go. Take care, yeah?”

“Yeah thanks. Love you.”

Stef smiled.

“Love you too, and to Mark and Teddy. Right, ring soon.”

His sister hung up to retrieve her daughter before she actually climbed entirely into the fireplace for reasons only known to herself. Seb looked at the phone thinking he hadn't even said goodbye. Ah well, it didn't matter.

 

He went back through to the lounge and sat beside Mark on the sofa to relate his conversation. Teddy was asleep in Mark's arms and Seb sighed.

“We should have gone up.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Ah well. Bet he wants a change in a bit. We can try after. Anyway forget that. Your sister's got the right idea. Minimise stress.”

“You're fine with delaying them coming?”

“More than fine. I think it's best. Not that I don't want to see them, but she's quite right, we were cramming too much in.”

“It's easier with Stef.”

“Well she knows what it's like. Right, so long as it's not too close to your testing that's fine.”

“Okay, I'll send her a text and just say whenever suits them in Feb,” agreed Seb. He let out a long sigh. “It does feel better. And about Jess and Jense. You don't think they'll mind?”

“Nah. It'll be fine. We'd not fixed anything yet. JB's mum'll be chuffed too seeing as she'll probably get an extra visit out of it.”

Sebastian leaned his head onto Mark's shoulder.

“Yeah okay. It does feel better.”

“Good.”

Seb looked to Mark.

“Do you think we're getting better at this?”

Mark smiled. He suspected they hadn't faced the half of it yet, but no point mentioning that.

“Sure. Right come on then, this little one's not shifting, so let's go up, see if we can't steal forty winks, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian stood and helped Mark to lever himself up off the sofa whilst keeping Teddy held properly and they trooped upstairs, both praying that their son wouldn't decide he'd had quite enough sleep the moment they put him in his crib.

  


 

 

  


Despite concentrating on putting all their efforts into family life and only leaving the house to take the dogs and Teddy out for walks once a day, the week seemed to fly by. Before they knew it they were at Friday again and they were anticipating more family arriving. It felt like a quick turnaround though they knew they were lucky to have Pauline to take care of making sure that the house was ready for visitors once again. Sebastian felt a little guilty that he was slightly more relaxed at the prospect of Mark's parents coming than his own, but he couldn't deny it was true. Mark had already made a point of speaking to his mother about the fact they were trying to fit in snatching extra sleep in when Teddy did so he headed off worrying about telling them that when they arrived and Diane had of course assured him that it wasn't an issue, so they did feel a little more prepared.

 

 

 

When Mark's parents' taxi pulled onto the drive they had all only just got up from their post-lunch nap. Teddy had decided now was a good time to inform them that his nappy needed changing so Mark left Seb sorting that out in the nursery while he nipped down to answer the door. The dogs were barking so Mark shut them in the kitchen before finally getting to open the front door to greet his parents.

“Sorry about that,” he apologised.

His father shook his head as his mother stepped in to give Mark a hug.

“Don't worry dear.”

“We get a hello?” teased Alan as he too got a hug of his son.

“Ha, yeah sorry, hi. Good to see you. Let me grab those bags.”

His parents stepped inside the hallway as Mark picked up the bags from the front step.

“Where are they?” enquired his mother.

“Oh um Seb's just changing Teddy, be along in a sec. I'll take your coats.”

 

They sorted themselves out for a moment, Alan remarking how nice it was it be in out of the cold.

“I'll make you a cuppa,” offered Mark. “What would you like? Tea, coffee?”

He took his parents through to the kitchen, asking them about their flight as the kettle boiled and Shadow and Simba fussed excitedly around their new visitors. Just as Mark was serving up mugs of tea and asking if they wanted to go through to the lounge the door opened and Seb appeared carrying the baby against his chest. Diane and Alan turned around and Seb gave them a smile.

“Hey, sorry for the delay.”

Diane and Alan stepped in as they abandoned their drinks to see their new grandchild for the first time. Diane ducked down a little to peer in at Teddy's face where it rested by Sebastian's shoulder.

“Oh isn't he adorable?” she cooed. “So sweet.”

Alan smiled.

“He's certainly a little'un isn't he?”

“Bigger than he was,” commented Mark.

“It's his due date tomorrow,” explained Sebastian.

“Oh of course it is, you did say,” agreed Diane. “And your anniversary. How nice.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark who had stepped in to put his arm around Seb, looking down at their son himself to see how he was doing. “Tell you what, why don't we go through and I'll light the fire?”

  


They transferred themselves to sit on the sofa, Seb still holding Teddy while Mark did as he had said and lit the fire. It was only three in the afternoon but it was a cold day and before too long it would be dark out. Sebastian had shifted Teddy to lie cradled in his arms and Diane had taken a seat beside him.

“He really is beautiful,” observed Diane.

“Yeah. Do you want a hold?” Seb offered.

“Oh yes please.”

Sebastian smiled and passed the baby over, knowing he would have to get used to doing this again for another few days. As Diane beamed down at him Teddy blinked up, staring at yet more people in his life.

“Ah so light,” sighed Mark's mother. “Such a long time since I held a baby. Seems forever since Ryan was little.”

“Quiet isn't he?” commented Alan.

Mark finished setting the fire and closed the guard around it, coming back over to perch on the arm of the sofa beside his family, leaning a little into Seb to look down at their son who was the centre of attention again as Diane held him in the middle of the sofa. Mark flicked his eyebrows.

“Not so quiet ten minutes ago,” he remarked.

“Ah we timed it well then,” decided Alan. “Being good for your grandma and granddad, eh?”

They started asking all about Teddy and how he was doing before moving on to ask how Mark and Seb were doing themselves. Diane reluctantly passed the baby on to her husband after five minutes. After another couple of minutes Mark caught Seb's eye and knowing that they didn't want anything to stress them out this weekend, he diplomatically reminded his parents they should drink their tea before it went cold and took the baby back, returning him to Seb's arms as he went back to continue perching on the end where they could all chat easily whilst keeping an eye on Teddy.

 

“So we were thinking,” began Diane, “with it being your anniversary, have you made any plans?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well yeah we've got you guys here, plus this little one.”

“That's what I mean. We could babysit? You could go out for a meal.”

Mark looked to Seb and already knew what his thoughts would be on that.

“Oh that's really very kind Mum, but we'd rather stay in.”

“Are you sure? We don't mind.”

“Yeah. Thanks, but Teddy's not ready to be apart from us yet is he sweetheart?”

Sebastian looked to his mother-in-law. He knew deep down that Teddy would be fine being apart from them, but he and Mark would not be fine being apart from him.

“It's just a bit soon,” Seb admitted. “I mean he's not meant to be born until tomorrow.”

Alan huffed a little laugh.

“His birthday and your anniversary. We ought to do something.”

“Well why don't we just have a nice family meal?” proposed Diane. “I can cook.”

“Oh you don't have to Mum,” stopped Mark.

“Course I do. Have you got things in?”

“Well... I mean we have food.”

“Right, well we can have a look tomorrow and decide can't we?”

 

Diane looked at her son firmly and Mark could only nod back. No stopping mothers wanting to look after you, no matter how old you were.

“That's very kind of you Di,” offered Seb.

“No trouble.” She looked down at Teddy. “Dropping off again.”

Sebastian nodded.

“He'll have a mini nap then probably wake up for his bottle in a bit won't he Liebling?”

“Likes his grub,” agreed Mark.

“Well that's a good sign,” Alan noted.

“Yeah the midwife's happy with him. It does feel an important milestone this weekend.”

Diane looked up to her son.

“Of course it does dear. He looks happy and healthy. He'll grow. Far too soon in fact. Before long you'll be wishing you were back at this stage.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. It was hard to imagine their tiny son being bigger and even harder to imagine longing for the constant attention he needed and the resultant lack of sleep he and Seb were enduring, but he knew his mother was right.

“Yeah guess so,” he accepted. “Actually we might be able to take him out soon.”

“Out? I thought you were already?” frowned Diane.

“Oh that's just for little walks so far. I meant, well we're not sure yet, but just a little trip out shopping or something,” Mark explained.

“Ah I see.”

“We just want to run it past the midwife first,” stated Seb. “With him being so small. We don't want him picking up any infections.”

Diane nodded. Her grandson looked healthy to her, but he was tiny, perhaps it was unsurprising that they were so protective of him?

“I hope you're not expecting to be doing anything too exciting,” explained Mark. “Walking the dogs is as adventurous as we've got so far.”

“Well that's fine by us,” assured Alan. “We're not expecting anything. Just good to see you.”

“Of course it is,” Diane concurred. “And this little angel. Ah he's so good.”

She reached in to touch Teddy's cheek and sighed.

“You might not think he's quite so angelic when he wakes us all up at two am,” noted Mark.

“Ah well.”

“We've put you down the far end,” explained Seb. “Hopefully you won't hear so much from there.”

“Don't worry about it dear,” assured Diane.

Sebastian gave her a smile and persuaded himself to relax. It wasn't his parents visiting, he could let Mark do the worrying this weekend.

  


 

A little while later they let Mark's parents help feed Teddy, Mark taking him back to wind him. His mother watched on as her son held the baby against his chest, Teddy resting his cheek into Mark's shoulder as he rubbed gently over his back whilst standing in the middle of the room. Diane smiled to see how comfortable he looked doing so and by her side her husband sent her a little wink, both of them proud to see how well their son was coping with his role as a parent when they had almost written off such a possibility. Diane stood up to join him and Mark could tell she was itching to have another hold of her grandson.

“You want a go?” he offered.

Diane smiled and nodded, carefully taking Teddy from Mark to take over winding him. The baby seemed happy enough at being passed around right up until he made a little noise and suddenly opened his mouth to empty milky vomit all over his grandmother's shoulder. Both Mark and Sebastian rushed forwards to take the baby back, Mark letting Seb take him as they checked Teddy was okay and cleaned around his mouth before Mark turned to his mother, the muslin still in his hand.

“Oh god Mum, sorry, I should have given you this,” he apologised.

Diane shook her head, but the mess on her top was beyond a little wipe clean.

“Don't worry about it. I'll just, um, yes I should nip upstairs. Is he alright?”

 

Mark looked back to see Seb was still keeping a close eye on their son, but it seemed the moment had passed and Teddy was fine now. He helped Seb stick the cloth on his shoulder just in case, then took his mother up to show her which room they were in, taking her bag up so she could change. Mark went to the bathroom to wash his hands then bobbed back down to collect his father's bag, knocking on the door before depositing it in the guest bedroom.

“Sorry about that,” he apologised once more. “Do you want to give me the top & I'll stick it in the wash?”

Diane went to retrieve the top and handed it over.

“Don't worry about it,” she assured. “I've had worse. Why don't you show me the nursery while we're up here?”

Mark led her down the corridor, then opened the door and Diane smiled at the sight.

“Oh Mark it's lovely.”

“Yeah. Actually we've got a bit to do yet.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah we ordered up curtains to match and a blind and we found a frieze to go around to liven it up a bit.”

“That sounds nice. I thought he was staying in with you though?”

Mark smiled.

“He is.”

Diane looked at the made up cot with it's neatly folded over blanket and bedding. Mark smiled as he saw what she was looking at.

“Ah well, it just looked wrong with only the mattress in,” he explained. “We've not actually got as far as letting him try it out yet. I think we're all just more comfortable with him there by us for now.”

“So you can keep an eye on him.”

“Exactly and he's still settling in.”

“Well he seems very settled to me,” asserted Diane.

“Thanks.”

“So you've got the crib in your room?”

“Yep. You wanna see?”

 

Diane nodded and Mark led her on to the bedroom. As his mother saw the crib by the bed she sighed and gave a little shake of her head.

“Oh Mark.”

She put a hand on her son's arm and sighed again.

“I can't tell you how happy we are for you.”

“Thanks.”

“You know your sister wanted to come.”

“Yeah I know. I've talked to her. It's okay. Got her own kids to think of. We'll see them in March.”

“You're still coming out early then?”

“Hopefully. To be honest Mum we've not made any plans that far ahead yet.”

“Of course. Well don't worry about that. It'll all work out. You've got other priorities.”

“Yeah.”

Diane looked away from crib to her son.

“How is everything? You're doing alright?”

“Yeah Mum we're good. Never better.”

“And never more tired?”

“Ha, that too, but it doesn't matter.”

“No. And the adoption, that's all still in hand?”

Mark puffed a little breath.

“Just takes time. We've just got to go through the process.”

“Of course.”

Mark looked to her.

“Mum you won't bring it up with Seb will you? He gets a bit... I don't know. We just wish it was signed and sealed already.”

Diane gave his arm a rub.

“I'm sure. Ah, wish it could be hurried up.”

“So do we.”

“Mm, well I'm sure it'll be fine.”

“We just don't want to think of Teddy as anything other than our son,” asserted Mark.

“Absolutely. Well he is, isn't he?”

“Yeah.”

Diane nodded.

“I won't bring it up. I didn't mean to make you worry.”

Mark shook his head.

“I don't really think we should have any problems, just... I dunno.”

“It'll be fine. It'll all work out dear. Like you say, best not to dwell on the technicalities.”

“Yeah. Right, shall we go back down?”

 

Diane nodded and they went back to the lounge, Mark detouring to the kitchen to stick his mother's hopefully not ruined top in the wash. As he went to join the others he found Seb sat holding Teddy who had now managed to fall asleep again. Diane looked over at Mark.

“I was just telling your dad how nice the nursery is,” she commented.

“Why don't we give you a hand with that?” offered Alan. “We could finish it off this weekend while we're here.”

“Oh you don't have to,” deferred Mark.

“We'd like to. It'll keep us busy and I'm sure you could use some extra hands.”

Mark looked to Seb who gave a little shrug.

“Sure. Okay then, thanks.”

  


 

  


Thus the next day the whole family were in the nursery, Diane holding Teddy while the others pulled all the furniture away from the walls and set about working out what height the decorative frieze should go at around the room. Diane looked at the roll set on top of the chest of drawers, no hands free because she was holding her grandson.

“That looks nice,” she observed, “give him something to look at.”

“That's what we thought,” agreed Seb as they finished shifting the cot inwards a couple of feet. “It's all zoo animals.”

Diane smiled, looking at the array of bright pastel animals illustrated on the frieze as Seb unrolled it a bit to show her.

“Very cheery,” added Alan.

“We just thought it adds a bit of interest.”

“When did you get it if you've not ventured out?”

“Oh Seb found it online,” Mark explained. “Ready gummed on the back so it only needs water.”

“Ah very clever.”

“We got the curtains and the blind too,” added Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Seriously, our bank's gonna think someone's stolen our card the amount it's been hammered lately.”

Sebastian shook his head at Mark joking, then seeing as Teddy seemed content with his grandmother Seb began organising measuring the correct height the frieze should go at, holding the tape measure up against the wall from the skirting board while Mark drew tiny line marks with a pencil at intervals all the way around.

“Very precise,” laughed Alan.

Mark turned around from where he was knelt on the floor in the corner.

“Well Seb's in charge.”

“Hey,” defended Sebastian.

Mark gave him a smile and shook his head.

“You just want it done right, that's all.”

“Hmm.”

Seb narrowed his eyes at him so Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek to appease him.

“Right, that's done,” he announced.

Mark looked at the bits of equipment laid out on newspaper on the floor. It seemed more crowded with all the furniture moved in.

“Um, Mum I need to drill the holder for the blind at the window. Could you take Teddy out a mo?”

“Of course.”

 

Diane walked out, taking Teddy for a visit to the room she was staying in. Seb hesitated, wanting to go with them, but Mark asked him to hold the blind fixture in place so he could check the placement and he concentrated on doing that to help out, pushing away any silly anxiety at the baby being out of sight. Moments later however the noise of loud drilling carried down the corridor and soon in reply there came the sound of a baby wailing, so Seb rushed off to the rescue while Mark finished what was thankfully a quick job with his father's help. Seb left it a couple of minutes before coming back through along with Diane.

“Ooh he didn't like that,” commented Diane.

Mark put the drill down and came to check. Teddy had his face buried in Sebastian's shoulder, though thankfully he had stopped crying. Mark smoothed a hand over Teddy's back.

“Sorry mate, all done now.”

The baby's breathing was still uneven so Sebastian hung onto him while Mark and his father fixed the blind in place. Diane in turn took down the original curtains and transferred the hooks to the new pale yellow curtains that were to go up in their place, sitting in the rocking chair to do it seeing as Seb was still calming Teddy by gently shifting his weight from foot to foot in the way they did when he woke at night.

“You don't want to sit here?” offered Diane.

“Oh no I'm fine thanks.”

“He alright?” Mark checked as he made sure the end of the rolled blind was properly in place.

“Just settling.”

“Do you want to put him down?”

“Oh um.”

Seb paused. Silly as it might seem he still didn't really want to leave Teddy alone in his crib even if it was only two doors along.

“I meant in the cot,” explained Mark.

“He could give it a trial run,” joined in Alan.

 

Sebastian looked down to try to see Teddy's face. He did seem okay now, so as Mark came over and folded back the blanket, he cautiously lowered the baby down to lie in his unused cot. Mark tucked the blanket over him and Teddy looked up, seeming to frown a little at his unusual surroundings. Mark gave him a smile and reached down to chubb his cheek.

“Whatcha reckon kiddo? This nice?”

“He looks even tinier,” observed Seb.

Mark gave a little nod. Teddy did look small lying in the bigger cot when they were used to seeing him in his crib. Alan had completed testing whether the blind worked and came over to look.

“He's a little scrap of a thing isn't he?” Alan remarked.

“He's certainly a scrapper,” asserted Mark. “Three weeks old tomorrow and he was only meant to be born today.”

Diane put down the curtains she had finished to come and stand with them, all four adult peering down at the baby in the cot.

“It's his birthday then, in a way.”

Seb smiled at her.

“I suppose it is. It does feel a special day.”

“And for you too,” noted Diane, taking in her son with her smile. “Your anniversary.”

“Yeah. This is more important though.”

“Course it is,” concurred Mark. “We've been counting down to this haven't we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“It feels like he can really go from here, you know? That he'll be on a more even footing.”

“Oh he'll catch up,” asserted Alan. “Hale and hearty little fella aren't you?”

He rubbed the baby's cheek and Teddy squirmed a bit, so Alan pulled his hand away in case it disturbed him.

“He's doing good,” Mark assured. He put an arm around Seb. “Up and up from here, right?”

“Right,” agreed Seb.

 

Teddy settled down again and seeing as he was happy enough in his temporary bed they left him to rest and set about their work, Diane fixing up the curtains while the other three measured and cut the frieze to size before damping the brush with water and damping the back of the gummed paper. Even with three of them it was quite a task and soon Diane was helping out as well, all of them working to pick up the long pieces and working to set them straight on the wall, matching the bottom to just cover the pencil marks and carefully pressing it into place and smoothing it over so it stuck. For what seemed at the outset a simple job it ended up taking quite a lot of effort to get it right, Seb and Mark standing back and squinting at it to be sure it was on correctly before the glue dried and they were literally stuck with it.

“Does it look wonky by the door?” queried Seb.

Mark peered over.

“To be honest sweetheart I'm not one hundred percent sure the walls and floors are all exactly straight. It's an old house.”

“Mm.”

“Ah it looks fine,” asserted Alan.

“Hmm.”

Sebastian turned around to get a more general impression.

“It does look better with everything done.”

“Yeah it looks good I reckon,” agreed Mark. “Thanks, Mum, Dad.”

“No bother.”

“We're glad to help,” assured Diane.

“We haven't asked the most important person,” noted Alan. “Seeing as it's his room.”

 

They went to the cot and Mark carefully scooped Teddy out, lifting him up to hold him sideways against his chest.

“What do you think kiddo? This nice?”

Sebastian looked down at Teddy wondering if he could really take in his surroundings.

“I'm not sure it makes much difference to him yet.”

“Nah, it's nice. Papa did a good job picking things out for you didn't he mate?”

Mark dipped his head down as if Teddy was whispering to him, then smiled at Seb.

“Teddy says it's just right.”

Seb laughed and shook his head at Mark being silly.

“We putting everything back then if we're done?” checked Alan.

“Oh guess so.”

“I'll take him,” volunteered Diane.

 

Mark passed the baby over so they could set the room to rights and they looked about them again to see how the finished nursery looked. The bookshelves had a couple of toys set on it that they had been sent as gifts, but for now it still looked a bit like a show home. No doubt in the coming months it would become a proper lived-in room. The gentle yellow walls were nice teamed with the jolly frieze going around the middle.

“Look Teddy,” smiled Diane nodding over to the walls. “Lions and tigers and elephants all around. Isn't that fun?”

“And parrots,” pointed out Seb, showing his son the brightly coloured birds perched in trees in the background. "and monkeys too."

Diane gave him a smile, glad to see how happy her son-in-law seemed.

“Very nice,” she agreed.

“Is he going to be sleeping in here now it's done?” asked Alan.

Mark caught Seb's eye and knew there was only one answer.

“Oh not for a while I don't think.”

“We're just happy as we are for now,” asserted Sebastian.

“Course you are,” concurred Diane. “He's still tiny. Needs his daddy and papa close doesn't he?”

Sebastian smiled at her and Diane smiled back.

“You want him now?” she offered.

Seb couldn't deny it so he took Teddy back and held him in the same way Mark had done to show their son his finished room. More toys, more books, it would soon fill up in here. No rush for that though, just as there was no rush to move Teddy out from sleeping in their room. Seb looked down at Teddy as he leaned into him, knowing that he was really happier to feel the comfort of one of his parents holding him close than how perfectly straight (or not) picture frieze bordering what was ostensibly his room sat. His mother-in-law was right, Teddy needed them close yet, just as his parents needed him. Seb knew it would take some time before he would feel comfortable moving their son in here. After all, the baby would wake them in the night either way.

  


  


  


Teddy was doing a fine job of disturbing them later that day when he started howling pathetically just as Mark and Seb went into the kitchen to check if there was anything they could do to help Diane with the meal she was preparing. Mark was carrying Teddy but seeing as it was his mother they were talking to Seb was the one who took the baby upstairs, lying him down on the changing mat in the nursery to find that a nappy change was indeed what little Teddy was trying to tell them the problem was. As he got him changed, cleaned and redressed Sebastian puffed a breath as Teddy wriggled unhelpfully.

“Let me just do it back up Liebling,” appealed Seb as he attempted to fasten the poppers on the babygro.

Ironically as soon as Seb had fought to redress him Teddy seemed to appreciate that he was okay now and settled down to lie more peacefully on the changing table. Seb sighed and shook his head.

“Alright now? Good boy. Okay.”

He picked him up and showed Teddy the room once more.

“Isn't this nice now Schatz? Hmm? Do you like it?”

 

Teddy naturally gave no reply, so Sebastian decided to take a moment to settle him and went to sit in the rocking chair. He managed to spare a hand before sitting to pull the curtains closed seeing as it was dark outside now. As he rocked gently in the chair, Teddy resting in his arms, Sebastian gave him a smile. The room seemed brighter now, more of a real nursery even if it still had plenty of space left to fill.

“This is your nursery Liebling,” Seb explained, “we made it all nice, but you don't need to sleep in here just yet. When you're bigger we'll have lots of toys for you to play with in here. Won't that be nice?”

The baby continued to gaze up at him and Sebastian knew he was mostly just talking to himself, but that didn't stop either him or Mark.

“Your daddy bought this rocking chair Teddy. He knew we would need it and I'm so glad we do. I think it's my favourite thing, apart from you obviously and your daddy.”

“Glad to hear it.”

Sebastian looked up to see Mark stood in the doorway grinning. Seb rolled his eyes.

“Earwigging,” he chided.

Mark merely continued smiling and came in to join them, ducking down on his haunches to be level by the rocking chair.

“He alright now then?”

“Just needed a change,” explained Seb.

“Right.”

“Is your mum okay?”

“Yep. She's roped Dad in and banished me from the kitchen.”

Sebastian chuckled and Mark nodded.

“I know. Our own kitchen, but she says it's no good her cooking our anniversary meal if we have to help.”

“Ah, well that's very kind of her.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “She also said to ask you again if you don't want to have it just be us.”

“Hm?”

“For dinner?”

Seb pulled a face.

“What and have your mum wait on us? Hardly.”

“Yeah I didn't think so. She made me promise to ask though,” explained Mark.

“Hm, well you have. We can just have a nice family meal,” asserted Seb. “I'm not bothered about making a fuss to be honest Liebling.”

Mark nodded.

“Me too sweetheart. Do you think this little one is going to cooperate?”

“He's fine now.”

“Mm.”

Mark turned his head more to look at their son, giving his little cheek a stroke.

“I think his face does look a little fuller than it used to, don't you Liebling?” noted Seb.

“Yeah I'm sure it does.”

“He is feeding well.”

“Yeah, you're a good boy Teddy. Be getting big and running around in no time.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Not for a while.”

“No, but one day.”

“Yeah.”

 

Seb gazed down at Teddy. Their little boy running around, no doubt wearing them out even more than he did now with his constant demands on their attention. He'd still need their attention, just in a slightly different way. Mark smiled.

“Are you trying to imagine what he'll look like when he's older?” he wondered.

Seb looked up at him.

“Oh I don't know. I can't really picture it yet.”

“Blue eyes, blonde hair, cute as a button. Your mum will be having flashbacks.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“He doesn't look like me.”

“Don't you think?”

“No.”

“Yeah he'll probably be far better looking,” teased Mark.

“Hey!”

Mark laughed as Seb narrowed his eyes at him.

“Sorry. Only kidding. We'll just have to wait and see won't we?”

“Yeah. Liebling it will all be alright won't it?”

“What will?”

“The adoption.”

Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart of course. Just a couple more weeks until we can take the next step. It'll all be fine.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He just had to trust everything would be okay. No short-cuts for their family.

“Just think,” commented Mark. “A year ago we'd just got married.”

Sebastian nodded.

“That's true and we celebrated by going on a long flight. Very us.”

“Yeah, ha, well this little guy had better be a good flyer.”

“I hope so.”

“Not like we've got to go on public flights,” noted Mark. “We'll be fine.”

“At least there'll only be us to disturb if he cries.”

 _When_ he cries, was more likely Mark thought, but he didn't want to bring up any negatives.

“Sure. The flight deck will just have to hope their door is sound-proofed.”

“Mm.”

Mark stood up.

“Shall we go down?” he prompted.

“Sure. Gimme a hand.”

  


Once back down in the kitchen Diane paused her efforts to come and check on Teddy, giving Seb a smile.

“He's calmed down then?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Just the usual.”

“Good. Did Mark ask about dinner?”

Seb glanced to Mark.

“Oh we'd just like to have a family dinner. It really is very kind of you.”

“If you're sure.”

“We're fine Mum,” chipped in Mark.

Alan turned from where he had been set to chop some vegetables.

“Well seeing as we weren't here a year ago.”

Diane frowned at him.

“Alan, _tsk_ , really.”

“Hey I'm not complaining,” her husband justified. He looked at Seb and Mark. “It's not a dig. I'm just happy we're here now.”

“Of course we're happy to be here now. Mark, Seb don't listen to him.”

Alan sighed and Mark shook his head.

“We're very glad you're here too,” he pacified. “And so is Teddy.”

Diane smiled, forgetting everything else as she smiled at her grandson.

“You know I'm sure he'll be coming on leaps and bounds now. We'll hardly recognise him in a few months when you come to visit.”

“We'll send lots of pictures.”

Diane nodded. It wasn't the same, but what could you do? A son, and now a grandson living ten thousand miles away. If only they could live closer, but she knew that wasn't a possibility.

 

She went back to sorting out dinner, shooing everyone except her husband out. Mark and Seb offered to at least set the table in the dining room seeing Mark's mother had decreed that they should at least have the meal in there to make it more special, but Diane wouldn't hear of it. So instead they sat in the lounge with the baby, looking over the anniversary cards they had been sent by friends and family. As Mark was holding Teddy Seb got up to find room for them on the mantelpiece with all the card they had been sent congratulating them on the arrival of their son.

“It's getting pretty busy up there,” observed Mark.

Sebastian smiled.

“Nice though.”

“Course it is. Reckon we'll have a few more when we can let the cat out of the bag properly in a few weeks.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and settled back in beside them until Alan appeared. As the door opened Mark looked up.

“Do you need a hand?” he checked.

“No no. I just had a thought, given that your mother is fretting that you won't be able to eat properly with Teddy, why don't you bring down the crib? You can put it by you in the dining room, at least let you hold a knife and fork at the same time.”

Mark smiled and looked to Seb.

“Worth a go,” he accepted.

Sebastian nodded. Their son would be right there with them. They could always just pick him up again if need be.

  


An hour later they sat down in the dining room, Diane insisting on serving up the meal, allowing Mark and Seb to pay more attention to Teddy lying in the crib which they had positioned next to where the two of them were sitting on one side. He scrunched up his face at being put down, but as they leaned in to give his arm a stroke and show their son their faces to assure him that they were there, Teddy settled down. They couldn't stop themselves from looking over at him every other minute to be certain he was happy, but despite the hubbub of adults talking Teddy seemed content. As he looked over again Sebastian smiled to Mark.

“He's asleep.”

Mark looked as well and nodded.

“Miracle of miracles,” joked his father.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah that or the fact he had his bottle half an hour ago.”

“He's a good boy,” asserted Diane. “Now then if he's off are you sure you don't want some wine?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Thanks Mum but that won't help if we're needing to be getting up for his two am feed.”

“Or at four am,” added Seb.

“You could put him in with us, give yourself a night off?” she offered.

Mark glanced to Seb. Much as they loved their son the idea of a little alone time after what seemed a long interval was tempting, but he knew Seb would be unable to relax and nor would he. By rights Teddy ought to be a newborn this very day. He was far too small to be away from them yet, even if that was only at the other end of the corridor.

“Thanks Mum but we'd wake up anyway wouldn't we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“I think we've got tuned into his frequency. It's very kind of you though.”

“If you're sure.”

“And this is lovely,” breezed on Seb, indicating his plate. “So nice of you to spoil us.”

“Oh a meal is hardly spoiling you. Will you have some more? I've done plenty.”

Sebastian caught the smile on Mark's face, but he politely nodded and offered over his plate. If they could do nothing else they could at least allow their mothers to feed them.

  


They got as far as desert before Teddy woke up and started crying. Both his parents turned to him and Sebastian lifted the baby out to hold him against his chest, Mark rubbing over Teddy's back to calm him as the both leaned in.

“Hey now sweetheart, what's the matter, hm?” asked Mark.

Teddy whimpered into Seb's shoulder, soaking his shirt with tragic little tears.

“Alles ist in Ordnung Teddybär. Shh, shh.”

Mark was reaching to undo Teddy's babygro so he could get a peek of the indicator on his nappy.

“Does he need changing?” asked Seb.

Mark shook his head and redid the poppers.

“Is he hungry?” enquired Diane from across the table.

Mark shook his head at his mother.

“Only had his bottle an hour ago.”

Seb placed his cheek by Teddy's and whispered in his ear.

“Papa and Daddy are here Kleiner, could you not see us?”

He moved his upper body slightly side-to-side and Teddy lowered his crying down by notches until he quieted.

“That's better isn't it mate?” encouraged Mark. “Were you just feeling left out?”

Teddy snuffled into Sebastian, then as he seemed calmed Seb shifted him to hold him cradled so the baby could see Mark and the others.

“Ah he's fine,” decided Alan. “Just wants to be part of things.”

Mark leaned over Teddy.

“Your party too kiddo. Can't leave you out.”

He put his hand near Teddy's and smiled as he let the baby grip hold of a finger. Mark lifted his eyes to see Sebastian smiling too.

“All we really need for our anniversary isn't it sweetheart?”

Seb nodded. A year ago they were getting married and that seemed like the fulfilment of a dream so great it was almost unimaginable, now they had this, something even bigger, even if it came in the tiniest of forms.

“Yeah,” Seb agreed softly.

  


  


  


That night as they climbed into bed, Teddy asleep in his crib which had been brought back up, Mark and Seb lay half propped up against the pillows.

“Happy anniversary Liebling,” offered Sebastian.

Mark turned his head and kissed Seb's cheek. Seb smiled and shuffled round a bit so he was lying more into him and could kiss Mark properly. Mark's arms went around him and Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment, thinking how nice it felt. As they parted for breath Mark huffed a little laugh and Seb frowned as he re-opened his eyes.

“What?”

“Ah nothing darling, just we turned down having some time to ourselves.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“And you're regretting that?”

Mark laughed again.

“Actually sweetheart no, sorry to disappoint, but I'm way too knackered.”

Sebastian smiled and fitted himself back in against Mark.

“We can just have a nice cuddle.”

“Mm.”

Mark gave him a smile in the low light and stroked over Seb's cheek before leaning in to kiss him properly, slowly and more deeply for the first time in a while. Sebastian closed his eyes as they both lost themselves to it for a few moments, his hand on Mark's chest as Mark's arms went around him. As they ran out of air they pulled apart with a sigh. It did feel like a long time since they had be truly intimate, but the truth was they were just too tired for more than this right now, even if Teddy hadn't been a foot away from the bed.

 

They shuffled down into the bed and got comfy together. Sebastian rested the side of his head into the top of Mark's chest.

“Maybe in a bit Liebling. Maybe when's he's a bit bigger.”

“Hm?”

“Teddy could go in his nursery now it's finished.”

“Sure.”

“And we then we could, you know, be alone for a bit.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Ah. Yes. That'd be nice.”

“I just want a sleep now.”

“Our anniversary treat,” smiled Mark.

“Mmm.”

Sebastian sighed and snuggled in, stroking his hand over Mark's t-shirt clad chest. It felt nice, so nice.

“I love you Liebling,” he mumbled.

“Love you too darling.”

Mark dipped his head to kiss Seb's forehead and within a few moments they were both asleep. It wasn't the most exciting way to celebrate an anniversary, but neither of them would change it for the world.

  


  


Seemingly moments after that the sound of crying cut through the night and the pair of them rolled apart, Mark blearily switching on the lamp on his side of the bed while Sebastian collected Teddy up and set about checking his nappy. Mark shifted to sit on the side of the bed next to him.

“Nappy?” he asked.

“Nope.”

Mark puffed a breath and looked at the time.

“Half an hour off his feed. Is that it kiddo? You want some grub?”

Seb was trying rocking the baby slightly, but Teddy was still howling and even though he was still half asleep, the noise cut through him.

“I think maybe,” he agreed.

“Yeah. Right. Okay. Getting up. Up now...”

Mark's eyes were half-closed and his words were doing nothing to motivate him to move, but Teddy was still crying and he knew he had to.

“Do you want me to go?” offered Seb.

“Nah, s'fine. Where's my slippers?”

“Your side.”

“Oh right. Yeah.”

 

Mark forced himself to stand and walked around to find his slippers, knowing from past forays that walking on the cold tiled kitchen floor in the middle of the night was an almost more unpleasant awakening than a screaming baby. He left Seb trying to console their son and stumbled out onto the landing, only to find his mother walking down towards the landing.

“Is he alright?” enquired Diane.

“Huh? Oh yeah, just the usual.”

Mark rubbed a hand over his face, trying to wake his brain up a little.

“Sorry Mum. I'm getting his bottle, he'll go quiet once he's got that.”

“You want me to?”

“Oh no it's fine.”

“You're sure?”

“Yep. Sorry to wake you.”

“Don't worry about it.”

Diane paused, about to offer more help, but seeing as Mark went to head downstairs she turned back for bed. Seb probably didn't need her popping her head around the door. It was such a high-pitched crying noise it was impossible to ignore. Her instinct was to want to do something, but they had it in hand.

 

Mark trooped back up the stairs and back into the bedroom, warm bottle and cloth in hand. Teddy was still crying so Mark carefully shut the door and went to join Seb where he had shifted back into bed, sitting up with the duvet partially covering the baby. Teddy's cries were rather more pathetic now, but he wasn't giving up until he got what he wanted. Mark set the cloth and bottle down on the bed beside him.

“Right c'mere mate.”

He took Teddy from Sebastian who was more than happy to get a break, though of course Mark was right, as soon as the baby started suckling on the nice warm milk he forgot everything else and settled down in Mark's arms.

“There we are,” soothed Mark. “All good now aren't you buddy?”

He sighed and leaned his head into Seb's who was resting into his side.

“We just need him to fall asleep before we do,” Mark noted.

“Mm.”

“Give me a prod.”

“Okay Liebling.”

Seb closed his eyes, then forced them open again. No falling asleep. Eyes open, _eyes open._ A thought crossed his mind and Seb huffed a little laugh. Mark turned his head.

“What?”

“No just it occurred to me that a year ago we started our honeymoon and all I wanted was to sleep. It just seems oddly appropriate.”

“Ah, ha, well maybe a year from now perhaps this little guy might do us the favour of sleeping through?” suggested Mark.

“And then we'll...”

Sebastian lifted his head and grinned at Mark. Mark raised an eyebrow, then chuckled.

“Be really grateful to get some sleep ourselves?”

“Yeah probably. Oh well. It'll still be a nice anniversary Liebling.”

“That it will darling, that it will.”

Mark looked down to Teddy and held the bottle a little steeper. So what if sleep was the most exciting thing they were looking forward to tonight? A snuggle up in bed, a quiet and content baby, all warm and cosy together and with any luck soon they might get a bit of that sleep they needed. It was a pretty good way to celebrate their anniversary in his book, just so long as they got that last bit.

  


  


  


  


By late morning on Sunday Mark and Seb were already feeling fairly worn out seeing as they had been up for many hours already looking after Teddy as well sorting out breakfast for everybody, followed by walk with all the family including the dogs. It was cold and damp out, though not actually raining and they were all glad to get back into a warm house. Diane had insisted on taking charge of preparing lunch and neither her son nor her son-in-law had much inclination to argue. So once they had unwrapped Teddy from all his layers they sat in the lounge along with Mark's father, all three of them on the sofa, Mark in the middle holding Teddy in his arms while they chatted, the fire lit to be sure Teddy was properly warmed up.

Within five minutes Sebastian could feel exhaustion kicking in and he leant a little more into Mark's free side, resting his head down on his shoulder as he looked down at Teddy nestled into the crook of Mark's right arm supported by a cushion seeing as even Mark's arm was tired despite it not yet being midday.

“So have you spoken to your team-mates yet?” queried Alan to his son beside him.

“Yeah finally got round to it,” admitted Mark. “I've been meaning to before, but I just don't know where the time goes.”

Alan smiled and nodded down to his grandson. Mark gave a little nod in acknowledgement.

“Mm, anyway, yeah I gave them a ring.”

“And how were they?” checked Alan.

“Fine. I mean great really. I felt a bit bad I'd given them no indication previously, but once I explained they understood.”

“Of course, I'd hope anyone would.”

“Mm. Well, they're good blokes.”

“So that's alright then?”

“Yeah I just told them the score and they were fine. They said they'd keep it to themselves for now.”

“The team aren't wanting to say anything about it yet?” checked Alan.

“Rachel's advised us to hang on until the six week mark when we're clear to move forwards, plus the team haven't finalised who's covering my seat.”

“Ah I see.”

“I'm sure they'll get on fine with whoever slots in this year,” Mark assured his father.

“Hopefully not too well.”

Mark smiled and shook his head at his father's joke.

“It's just leave Dad, official paternity leave. I'll be back a year from now.”

“So it's all sorted with the team?”

“Yep. I told you I spoke to Andreas.”

“And the board?”

“He's taking care of that. Really Dad it's a legal thing. They can't do anything about it even if they weren't happy.”

“Hmm, well best to keep on the right side of them anyway.”

“I will. I've asked Andreas to keep me in the loop, particularly with the development on the 2018 car.”

Alan puffed a breath.

“2018, good lord, that sounds like some date in the future to me.”

“It is the future,” pointed out Mark.

Alan shook his head.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah. Anyway it's in hand. Andreas has promised me there's nothing to worry about.”

“Okay, well I'm glad to hear it. What will you do next year then?”

“Hm?”

“When you're both racing.”

“Oh. Blimey Dad I've not thought beyond next week to be honest,” confessed Mark. “We'll manage. People do.”

Alan raised and eyebrow.

“Most people aren't a couple who are both racing in different championships all around the world.”

“Mm, well we'll find a way. We'll just use the plane and hop about together where we can, and where we can't we'll take it in turns, won't we sweetheart?”

 

Mark turned his head to look at Seb only to see his husband's eyes were closed and he was fast asleep leaning into him.

“Ah.”

Mark huffed a very gentle laugh. He hadn't noticed the way Seb's breathing had slowed even with his body resting into him. The sensation was too familiar to occasion any notice. He gave his dad a smile with a nod down to Teddy.

“Hopefully by that point this young man will be giving us a smidge more sleep at night.”

“Yes a little at least,” agreed Alan. “Though I seem to remember you and your sister doing a good job of disturbing us for quite some time.”

“Really?”

“Mm, somewhere into the mid-nineteen eighties as I recall,” teased his father.

“Cheers. Well anyway, we'll manage one way or another. At least I've got fewer races and the rate Bernie keeps dropping grand prix with any luck Seb might have a few less as well.”

Alan nodded.

“Well remember if you need us you only have to ask. I know we're a way off but we could always come to stay if you have weekends that clash or what have you.”

“Yeah maybe. Seb's parents said the same, but we'll just have to check out the calendars nearer the time.”

“Right, well the offer's open.”

“Thanks Dad.”

“You know your mother's going to be begging to come over anyway,” pointed out Alan.

Mark smiled.

“Yeah. Well, we've got Seb's race in March and we had vaguely planned to have another barbecue in the summer so it'd be nice if we could do what we did last year again.”

“Sounds good,” agreed Alan. “A start anyway.”

 

Mark nodded. He wasn't quite sure where else they were likely to be able to fit in any other visits, particularly with Seb's folks wanting them as well. Mark was already anticipating a bidding war for where they would spend Teddy's first Christmas. He suspected he and Seb would be more than happy to be just the three of them here at home, but that was unlikely to go down well with either of their mothers. Ah well, a problem for another day.

“So are you going to miss it?” asked Alan.

“Hm?”

“Racing.”

“Oh.” Mark puffed out a breath as he considered the question. “Bits of it. Bits not so much. To be honest I'm quite looking forward to a break.”

“If you can call it a break.”

“Ha, quite. Not much downtime with this role. Anyway yeah it's fine, we're happy.”

Alan nodded.

“Good.” He looked down to his grandson. “He looks pretty happy too.”

 

Mark smiled to see Teddy was now as fast asleep as his papa. During the week they'd been going for their proper lie-down nap by this stage, but they were comfy here and Mark didn't really want to disturb them or abandon his father.

“Good job you're there holding them both up,” observed Alan.

Mark smiled as he glanced to Seb on his left, softly resting into him just as he always did, then down at their son sleeping in his arms. He could feel each of them breathing evenly and there was something incredibly calming about the sensation. It made Mark feel centred and steady. He thought how Sebastian always called him his rock and how good that made him feel. Mark didn't think he could really explain to his father how it felt to be so relied apon and trusted. This year would be a new challenge and twelve months ago Mark would hardly have believed how much he would be up for the opportunity to prove he could do it; He could be a father and a husband and make a success of it so they were all happy. Knackered no doubt, but the family they had dreamed of being.

Alan saw the way Mark looked at his family resting into him and without needing any words from his son he could interpret the contented expression on Mark's face. He liked it, Alan realised, Mark _liked_ to be leaned on, to take on that responsibility and know he was up to it. It had been a long time since he could have thought of his son as a boy, but Mark clearly wore the title of a man a little more proudly now.

 

“We're just glad you're happy,” commented Alan.

“Thanks. Yeah, yeah we really are. A bit more sleep would be nice, but yes we are happy.” Mark looked to his father. “You know I never thought of any of this as being for me in the past. It just wasn't on my radar at all. I mean me, married with a baby?” Mark smiled. “I bet you didn't predict that either.”

Alan huffed a little laugh.

“Perhaps not, but we're certainly pleased to be wrong.”

Mark gazed towards Sebastian as he slept for a moment before turning back to his father.

“He changed everything, you know, Seb. My whole world. My future. It's so much fuller now. Really Dad, I hardly even care if taking time out affects my career. It's just not my priority any more and sure if you'd asked me five years ago, I'd have given you a totally different answer, but I really don't care what I thought back then. I just don't. These guys are my priority now and that's all that matters.”

Alan nodded. He tried to think back to when he had held Mark as a baby in his arms as small as the one his son now held himself. A very long time ago and Alan suspected that Mark had never been quite as tiny as Teddy, but he remembered holding him on the occasions when his wife allowed him that awesome responsibility, usually while she was trying to chase down Leanne who was rampaging around the house as a toddler. Had he imagined what his son's future might hold? Alan couldn't really recall, but if he had it probably hadn't involved Mark living in a cold country ten thousand miles away, married to a man and with an adopted child he was about to be a full-time dad to. None of those details mattered though. What really mattered was that his son was happy. If that came from being fulfilled in ways that still managed to slightly surprise them then it was all to the good.

  


By the time Diane came through to tell them that lunch was in the oven Mark was asleep as well, his head slipped sideways to rest into Seb's by his side. Alan looked to his wife as she entered the room.

“Shh, don't wake them,” he warned quietly.

Diane came closer and sighed at the sight of them.

“Is the baby okay?” she checked.

“He's fine, sleeping like the rest,” assured Alan. “Don't worry he's quite safe, I've been keeping an eye on them.”

Diane peered in a little to be sure, but Teddy seemed quite safely balanced in Mark's arms resting on a cushion, even if Mark was clearly dead to the world. She smiled and went to find her mobile phone to sneak a photograph of the somnolent family group on the sofa. They looked too sweet not to. One day they would thank her for capturing the moment, Diane was sure.

As she checked the picture she smiled and Diane thought how different her son seemed these days. That gangly skinny boy racing around the world causing her so much worry, was now a family man. Not that Diane wouldn't worry about them too, Seb who for all his smiles always carried that underlying vulnerability and now this tiny little addition who had become the centre of their world. It seemed little Teddy steadied them both. Her son might still live on the other side of the world, but he was no longer alone. Mark had his own family to love him and to love in return. Though she would always wish him closer, it did make Diane feel better to know that was true.

The baby's eyes flickered open and Teddy looked up to see his grandfather smiling down at him. He blinked a few times as if trying to work out what was going on so Alan held a finger to his lips as he leaned in to whisper.

“Hush now matey, you be a good boy and don't wake your daddy and papa.”

Teddy continued to look up as his grandmother came over to check on him as well.

“I can't get over those blue eyes,” remarked Diane.

“Mm, gonna be a looker.”

Diane shook her head, but she was smiling as she perched on the coffee table to look in at those on the sofa.

“Now then Teddy, your daddy and papa are right here,” soothed Alan, “and your granddad and grandma, so just you hold tight there kiddo, you're in the best possible place. You let them rest so they can look after you.”

Alan saw the way his wife was smiling at him and he sat back from instructing the baby to give her a wink.

“Just call me the baby whisperer,” he joked.

“Well just you stay whispering,” instructed Diane.

“I'm not going to wake them,” asserted Alan. “They can have a nap til lunch is ready. Speaking of which?”

Diane rolled her eyes.

“Half an hour. Now come and sit over here. We can keep a perfectly good watch from the other sofa.”

  


They removed themselves to the other side of the room, sitting quietly and looking over to be sure that their grandson hadn't slipped so he wasn't held properly or that Teddy's little face didn't squash too much into his father so he couldn't breathe, but the family all piled together safe and sound asleep. Diane smiled to her husband and Alan smiled back. She let out a little sigh.

“I knew it'd all work out.”

“Yeah love I know.”

Alan gave his wife a kiss on the cheek and they went back to watching over the younger generations on the other side of the room, quite as content as they were. The door opened slowly and they looked up to see Shadow and Simba slinking in. The dogs looked over to their masters asleep with the baby on the main sofa, then to Alan and Diane on the other side. Diane sat up a little and pointed to the floor by them. They both reached over and gave the dogs a stroke.

“That's it, shhh now,” encouraged Alan.

“You just sit there and be good,” Diane added.

The dogs looked back at the other sofa then resigned themselves to the situation and piled on the floor where they were. Apparently this was just how it was now. At least they got to be in the nice warm lounge. Alan reached down and gave them another rub.

“Good boys,” he praised quietly. “Let them have a nice little kip. I think they need it.”

Diane huffed a little laugh as she looked over at her son with Seb and the baby looking worn out. They really did need that sleep. If that remained the most of their worries she too would be more than happy.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much fluff, but I'm in the mood for it, so I hope you are too. (I just got back from a Christingle service with the family at a country village church and now have a Muppet's Christmas Carol on TV, pretty much sums up Christmas Eve for me!) 
> 
> Best wishes to you all.


	200. Leaving the nest - part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I hope you're all having a nice Christmas and New Year. I've been busy busy with family stuff, but I have another two-parter for you, so I hope folk are around to read it!

* * *

 

 

Now the Teddy had passed his due date they did start to feel as if they could relax just a fraction. The midwife certainly seemed happy with his progress and was visiting less frequently, advising them that soon she would be able to hand over to passing responsibility over to their health visitor and GP which really did seem a vote of confidence, not only in Teddy's development and health, but in Mark and Seb taking good care of him. Very soon and almost unbelievably, Teddy would be one month old. They still had a couple of weeks before Rachel would come to go through the paperwork to begin formally applying for adoption and there had been no hint of a biological father turning up and ruining things for them, but until they passed that six week point it lurked in the back of their minds as a dreadful possibility.

All they could do though was concentrate on the immediate tasks at hand, most of which involved looking after Teddy. Once Mark's parents left they were back to just being themselves which was nice, even if they did have to cook for themselves and Seb had to go back into work for his seat-fitting and to spend some time preparing for the coming season. It still didn't feel good to be leaving Teddy behind with Mark, but Seb made sure he was only gone for a few hours and returned in time for lunch. As he let himself back in Seb was pounced on by the dogs and guessed Mark was in the kitchen. He went through to find Mark holding Teddy up into his chest with one arm whilst with the other he attempted to make up a bottle. Teddy was crying unhappily and Mark hardly noticed Sebastian's return until he walked right up to them by the bottle maker.

“Oh you're back.”

“Yeah, sorry I left as soon as I could,” apologised Seb. “I can do that.”

Sebastian went to take the bottle Mark was making up but Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Can you take him? My arms are knackered.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian held the baby, moving his body to soothe him so he quieted a little. Mark puffed out a breath as he shook the bottle contents and put it into the machine to be filled and reach the correct temperature, then turned to look at them.

“Sorry. Didn't mean to be snappy,” apologised Mark.

“You weren't. It's fine,” assured Sebastian. “It's a lot on your own. He's fine now, aren't you Teddybär?”

“He's just been a bit unsettled this morning,” Mark explained.

“Oh. Is he alright?”

“Yeah, just, you know.” Mark sighed. “He's fine. How was work?”

“I'm sorry I had to leave you on your own.”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling. That's the deal. You've got work and I stay home like a good little housewife.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes but Mark was smiling, so he smiled too.

“A housewife?”

Mark shrugged.

“Househusband then. I've been slaving away.”

“Have you? Poor Liebling. Do you want to go up for a nap while I look after him?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Aren't you tired from work and stuff?”

“I'm okay. I think it's harder work looking after him. I can get lunch ready if we bring the crib down.”

“Yeah I guess I wouldn't mind a kip,” admitted Mark.

 

Teddy snuffled into Seb and he spared a hand to stroke over his back to comfort him.

“Have you been giving poor Daddy a hard time Teddybär?”

Mark took a deep breath, shaking off the stress that had been building up while he coped on his own.

“Ah not really. He just got a bit upset when Pauline did the hoovering. I took him upstairs and rang Leanne for a bit to talk to her, but I guess I should have taken him out.”

“Oh right.”

“I suppose I could have, but I thought we'd go out this afternoon.”

“Yeah. Ah well that'd be good. Actually I could use the exercise,” admitted Seb.

“Oh?”

“I spent a bit of time with Antti this morning.”

“I see.”

Seb and Mark looked at one another. Seb knew his husband wasn't overly enamoured of his trainer.

“He just said I need to work on getting in better shape for testing,” Sebastian explained.

“Hmm.”

“I spose I really haven't done more than walks since Christmas.”

“Yes well we have been rather busy sweetheart. Did you tell him?”

“Yeah. Actually quite a few people seem to know at the factory now.”

“Mm, I didn't expect that bit of gossip not to do the rounds,” noted Mark.

“I don't think they'll say anything outside though. I spoke to Britta and she seemed quite happy with things.”

“Yeah well she can worry about that. What were people saying?”

“Oh, just, I mean the engineers I told before and when I went to see the boys in the mechanics bay they just sort of grinned at me and I knew they knew before they said anything.”

“What did they say?”

“Steve said he heard congratulations were in order and then tapped the side of his nose and said we could rely on them to keep a secret.”

“Ah,” nodded Mark. “I guess we can.”

 

The machine beeped behind him so Mark paused their conversation to sort out the bottle and they went to sit at the table to feed Teddy. The dogs had obediently gone to lie in their baskets over in the corner, knowing by now that they got a ticking off if they crowded round the baby uninvited. Teddy was peaceful now and Mark sat back in his seat as Sebastian continued to hold him.

“They asked if we might take him in to see them,” stated Seb.

“Teddy?”

“Yeah.” Seb paused. “It does feel like we're always keeping secrets somehow. I know Rachel's right about waiting until we're really properly in the process of adopting before we go public, but I don't like the idea we're keeping Teddy a secret. It feels like that means it's something wrong.”

Mark sighed slightly, though he knew they had a history there and it rarely ended well. They had to try to manage it better this time.

“He's not a secret. We just haven't told everyone yet,” argued Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Not even all our friends yet,” he pointed out.

“Hmm.”

“You've not told Fernando and I've not told Lewis.”

“You trust him not to say anything?”

Sebastian paused.

“Kindof. I mean I do. I think if I properly explained why we need to wait a bit. I just think he might get a bit over-excited that's all.”

“And what, tweet about it?”

“Dunno. No not really. And the people he hangs out with, to be honest Liebling I doubt they even know who we are.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Not Hollywood enough?”

“Definitely not. Actually I think he's still skiing, so... I dunno, perhaps I should call him? What about Nando?”

Mark pondered that a moment.

“Nando. Sorry, Fernando.” He smiled at the slip. “Mostly seems to enjoy tweeting pictures of his training, not gossip.”

“I don't think Lewis really gossips,” defended Sebastian.

“No I know. Right, okay well let's cross a few more friends off the list, then we'll be set for when we do make our little announcement.”

“Technically we're not actually announcing anything about Teddy,” pointed out Seb.

“Mm, just that I'm taking a year's paternity leave from Porsche, which I think rather gives the game away,” Mark noted.

“Yeah okay. Alright yes we should move on with things. At least we've told Jess and JB.”

“And they've been very good at sitting on it,” stated Mark. “Must be killing Jense to have such mint gossip and not be allowed to share it.”

“He won't though.”

“No darling, he won't. Much as I joke about Jenson he knows when things are serious.”

“Mm. What about DC?” wondered Seb.

Mark puffed a long breath.

“Tricky. In theory fine and I know he wouldn't deliberately betray us, but we would be putting him in a difficult position.”

“Maybe we could call him just before it's released?” proposed Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, reckon that'll have to do.” He shook his head. “Never a simple business with us is it?”

“No.”

Mark gave Seb a smile.

“Don't worry about it sweetheart, we'll have it all covered.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked down at the baby in his arms. Most parents got to proudly shout from the rooftops about their family being blessed. Here they were worrying about the world finding out. For all Britta's confident talk Seb knew the papers would make at least a bit of a fuss. Maybe not front page news, but it would get attention. Surely not enough to encourage editors to send their photographers and reporters to the house as they had when their relationship had been revealed? Seb worried how Mark would react if there was paparazzi on their doorstep. Not well, he was sure, and Seb knew he would get upset at feeling Teddy was under threat. They just had to hope it would be okay. They really weren't that much of a big deal were they?

Mark noticed Seb had gone quiet.

“You alright?”

Seb looked up.

“Hm? Yeah.”

“You want me to take him?”

“Don't you want to go up?”

“In a bit. We'll just settle him down first.”

Sebastian passed over the baby and Mark got Teddy settled in his arms, making sure he was feeding properly before looking back to Seb.

“Don't fret about it sweetheart. It'll all be fine.”

“Yeah. Do you want a cup of tea?”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian got up and made them tea, offering to take Teddy back, but Mark managed balancing the baby and sipping his drink seeing as he'd had a fair bit of practise by now.

“So what did Antti say then?” he enquired.

“Just that I need to get back in training.”

Mark nodded, knowing that wasn't unreasonable.

“Okay, well you know it's fine. I can just look after Teddy while you get on with it.”

“Mm.”

“What?”

Sebastian sighed and put his mug down.

“I just don't like the idea of being off on my own,” he confessed.

“Ah.”

“Is that silly?”

“No darling. Well, look I should probably do some work too unless I want to turn to flab.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head. The idea of Mark getting flabby was unimaginable.

“I doubt that.”

“Yeah well it'd feel better doing a bit.”

“Okay, but what about Teddy?”

“Well, we could use the gym for a bit and lie him in his crib if we bring it down.”

“You think he'd be okay?”

“Worth a go. If he cries then I'll just have to bin my attempt.”

“Do you think we could ask the midwife about the pool?”

“About Teddy going in?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded.

“Sure. We should make the most of her before she signs us off.”

“Okay.”

“Teddy and I can have a play in the water while you do laps. That'd be alright wouldn't it?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I'd like that. I think we'd probably need to make it warmer though.”

“We'll just turn the thermostat up. No big deal.”

“Okay, and I was thinking he might be big enough to go in one of those running buggies now,” suggested Seb. “If we find one that's a proper pram and it has really good suspension so it doesn't jog him about.”

“We'll do some research. Make sure we get him a nice smooth ride.”

“Then we could do our runs again.”

“Yep. There we go. See, we'll have it all in hand.”

“Okay.” Seb sat a little taller. “Thanks.”

Mark shook his head.

“It'll all be fine.”

“Yeah. Don't suppose we'll be able to go cycling with him for quite a while,” noted Sebastian.

“No, well... you know Pauline's always offering to babysit.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“No?” checked Mark.

“Not yet.”

“Alright.”

“Maybe closer to the start of the season when I really need to ramp it up.”

“Sure. He'll be a bit bigger then.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. I know Pauline would look after him fine. It's me.”

Mark put his mug down and reached for Seb's hand.

“He's doing fine darling, okay? You don't need to worry.”

Sebastian nodded again.

“I just... I just get a bit anxious Liebling. I know it's silly.”

Mark rubbed over his hand.

“Not at all. It's a big responsibility. Honestly sweetheart I had to nip to the loo earlier so I put him down in his crib for a moment and I swear I've never peed faster in my life. I rushed back through to the bedroom and Teddy was just lying there perfectly happy.”

Sebastian smiled and felt himself relax a little.

“He was being good?”

“Yeah.” Mark laughed and looked down at Teddy. “Save your crying for when Daddy's right there to hear it, don't you kiddo?”

Sebastian peered in to look at the baby.

“I think he's done,” he observed.

Mark nodded and set the bottle down so he could wind him. Always something to do. He'd realised earlier that they'd run out of clean bottles and had to try to use the steriliser with one hand which was even harder than using their high-tech bottle making machine when you were holding the baby. If anyone thought he was having a year off working they were sadly mistaken. As he rubbed over his back Teddy let out a little burp and Seb had to reach to wipe away some milky dribble.

“Much easier with two of us,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. Well I'm not back in till next week.”

“Sure.”

“Do you think we could take him in?” Seb wondered.

Mark smiled.

“You want to show him off?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Kinda.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah why not.” He huffed a laugh. “All those big tough mechanics going gooey over a baby. Yeah I'd like to see that. Why don't we meet you when you're done and do a little tour?”

“Yeah that's be good.”

“Great. Well there's a plan then.” Mark turned to see Teddy's face. “You ready to meet more people?”

“We should probably check that with the midwife tomorrow too,” decided Seb.

“Hm?”

“Taking him into the factory.”

“Oh. Well I'm sure it'll be fine. It's not like we're going to leave him playing with a lathe.”

Seb shook his head.

“I meant germs and stuff.”

“Darling that mechanics bay is cleaner than most hospital wards.”

“I spose.”

“And we're hardly going to lie him on the floor anyway.”

“I meant more other people.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay well we'll ask the midwife.”

“Thanks.”

“It'll be nice, won't it mate? Have a little trip,” Mark suggested to Teddy. “I bet you'd like a little adventure.”

“Could we go shopping do you think?” asked Seb.

“You want to?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It'd just be nice. He's getting big for some of the prem clothes he's got.”

“That's true. Well we'll add it to the list of questions.” Mark finished his tea and got up to ditch his mug by the sink. “Right sweetheart, I'll bring the crib down and then if you're alright I'll catch some shut-eye for a bit.”

“Sure.”

 

Mark went upstairs and returned with the moses basket minus the stand which he set on the kitchen table. Seb was stood holding Teddy against his chest as he looked through the fridge for supplies.

“Thanks Liebling. You go up for an hour or so and get some rest.”

“You sure?”

“Course.”

Mark looked at him.

“You're not tired after your workout?”

Sebastian gave him a smile.

“I'm sure it'll catch up with me later. We can all have a nap after our walk later maybe?”

“Righto. Sounds good darling. Give me a shout when lunch is up.”

“Will do Liebling. We'll be fine, you have a rest.”

Mark leaned in and kissed Seb on the cheek and gave Teddy a little stroke before leaving them to it so he could flop into bed for a while. Left alone Sebastian looked down at Teddy.

“Poor Daddy. You have to try to be extra good when he's on his own Schatz. Hmm?”

The baby responded only by snuffling in by Sebastian's shoulder and Seb shook his head. He would be quiet now. Typical. Poor Mark. He'd have to make it up to him. Seb decided that seeing as his son had had his lunch there was no rush to make their own. He'd leave Mark to get a decent bit of sleep and take his turn being on duty.

  
  


  
  


  
  


The following morning they waited until the midwife had done all her checks before bombarding her with all the things they wanted to ask her. For once she accepted a cup of tea and sat running through things with them.

“He's really doing very well you know,” she assured them.

“So you think he's okay to take out? Like out out,” checked Sebastian.

“Well he's been doing fine so far.”

“Mm, it's just we thought maybe the shops? Would that be okay now?”

“You should be fine.”

“Even though he's sort of technically only a few days old?”

The midwife smiled.

“Well he is and he isn't. Teddy has had several weeks to adjust to the world. I think he should be fine to venture a little further. I'd just suggest you keep an eye on him going in and out of cold air and into warm shops. Just make sure he's not uncomfortable, tuck the blanket back or pull it over if he's in his pram according to where you are.”

“Sure,” agreed Mark. “But other than that it's okay?”

“Yes I should think so. Some people take their babies out pretty much right away. Not everyone has a choice.”

“Right, okay and we were wondering about maybe taking him into Seb's work to meet some of his colleagues.”

“Keen to meet him are they?”

“Yeah,” smiled Sebastian, looking down at Teddy in his arms. “It's called the factory, but it's not really like that. It's not grubby or anything.”

“No well I'm sure you can trust your own judgement.”

“And meeting people? Do you think we need to worry about germs?”

The midwife took a sip of her tea.

“Well perhaps avoid passing him around too much. Try to keep him away from anyone with a cold, that sort of thing.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark glanced at him, already knowing that Seb wouldn't let their son anywhere near someone who he might deem a germ-carrier and thus a threat to little Teddy's health.

“Great,” Mark replied cheerfully. “That's good then. Oh and we were wondering about the pool.”

“Oh.”

“You know we have one here.”

“Ah, actually no I didn't.”

“Oh really? Ha, we'll have to show you. That's what the extension is to the side. I guess you can't tell from the front.”

“Aren't you lucky?”

“Mm, well what we were wondering was whether Teddy might be big enough to go in there with us now.”

“Ah I see.” The midwife nodded as she thought about it. “I presume no one else uses it, your pool that is?”

“Only guests when they come to stay, but that's not all that often.”

“Right, well, normally with a public pool I'd say wait a few weeks, but a private pool is a different matter. I take it you can control the temperature?”

“Yep, just turn the dial up.”

“Okay then, so it doesn't need to be quite as warm as a bath. Thirty-two degrees should be fine.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb a smile.

“We can do that, can't we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“So we can just take him in with us?”

“I'd say you'd be fine, perhaps next week, leave it till he's four weeks as a compromise.”

“Okay.”

“You said he's got better with his baths?” checked the midwife.

Mark chuckled and rubbed over Teddy's belly.

“Settled down a bit. Still wriggles, don't you mate?”

“He doesn't cry when we put him in now,” assured Sebastian.

“Very good. Well then he might enjoy swimming too. Just so long as you are careful with him.”

“Oh we'll be very careful.”

“Don't try letting go of him.”

“We wouldn't dream of it,” asserted Mark. “Just a little bob in the water. We'll keep tight hold I promise.”

“I'm sure. Just be sure he's nice and warm, wrap him up in towels as soon as you get out and dry him off properly.”

“Of course.”

“And these outings you're planning. They're not too far?” she checked.

“Only half an hour or so.”

“Fine. Best not to trek long distances if you can avoid it,” she advised. “The baby-carrier is fine, but I wouldn't recommend it for extended periods.”

“Sure. No we were just thinking into Oxford maybe,” assured Mark.

“Well I'm sure it'll be nice for you to get out of the house a bit.”

Mark laughed.

“God yeah. Seb's been into work, but I've not gone further than the footpaths or lanes round here since new year.”

The midwife nodded.

“Well you don't want to be getting cabin fever. You can tell me how you got on when I come next week to sign you off.”

“Right you are.”

“Thank you,” added Seb. “We really appreciate all your help.”

“My job, and of course you want to be sure about things, I quite understand.”

Sebastian nodded. He knew they were seeing more of the midwife than parents of another baby might, but he had to remind himself that was because Teddy was born early, not because she didn't trust them. It would actually feel a little strange when she stopped coming and they had a health visitor instead and then they would be off on their own to see the doctor or nurse at the local surgery for Teddy's checks. Teddy was getting bigger and stronger. It really was time to take the stabilisers off and see how they got on.

  
  


  
  


  
  


On Thursday morning they decided that seeing as the weather was fine it was a good time to try venturing out on a little shopping trip with Teddy. Predictably it took forever for them to get ready, making sure that they had everything they could think they might need crammed into the baby bag they had bought online. It fitted onto the handle of the pram they were taking with them, Mark taking a good five minutes trying to work out how the frame folded down so he could put in the boot only for Seb to pass him the baby and collapse it neatly in about thirty seconds flat. Mark frowned as Seb explained how it worked and shook his head.

“You'll just have to be in charge of that sweetheart.”

“You just have to flick both hinges at once,” Sebastian explained again.

“Mm, I'm sure that's very easy when you're holding the baby.”

Sebastian stood back up.

“That's a point. How are you meant to do it on your own?”

“God only knows. Anyway, we're not so it's fine. Right the boot's open, you alright to stick it in?”

“Sure.”

  
  


Twenty minutes later they had finally piled everything into the boot, dressed Teddy up for the cold and fitted him into his car seat so they could set off at last. Seb braved leaving the baby on his own in the back, sitting in front with Mark as they drove through the countryside via the lanes and roads they had brought their son home along a few weeks earlier. They both checked the mirror frequently, but it seemed Teddy liked the sensation of being in a car and lay safely strapped in, his eyes wide as he looked up out of the window, not really focussed, but seemingly transfixed by the different things flashing by. Seb leaned through the gap to check on him.

“Excited Schatz?”

Teddy looked to Seb who smiled at his son.

“We're going to see if we can find some nice things for you,” Sebastian explained.

Teddy did no more than blink in reply, then as Seb sat back, he started to drop off. By the time they had found somewhere in town to park the baby was fast asleep and barely stirred as his parents got his pram set up and transferred him into it, tucking blankets around Teddy and fixing the cover and hood up to protect him.

“Right then, where do you want to go?” asked Mark.

Sebastian let out a laugh.

“Actually Liebling I've no idea. Shall we just have a wander? There must be baby shops here.”

“Sure.”

They got their own coats and hats on and set off, Mark pushing the pram along the pavements into the centre of town. Seb couldn't help looking to see if anyone recognised them, but it wasn't busy on a cold morning mid week in late January and those who were about seemed more interested in their own missions rather than a couple pushing a baby past them. It didn't take too long before they found a shop specialising in things for babies and little children, so Seb held the door open as Mark manoeuvred the pram inside. There wasn't a whole lot of room, but they just about managed. Seb folded the cover back and lowered the pram hood so they could see Teddy as well as checking he wasn't overheating now they were indoors. Seeing as Teddy was still dozing they turned their attention to what was on offer, Seb holding items over Teddy's sleeping form to test if they looked the right size.

“That's still only newborn,” he commented.

“Well he is sort-of,” noted Mark.

“Do you think this is nice Liebling?”

Sebastian held up a pale yellow babygro.

“Very nice darling. Do you want to grab a basket?”

Seb smiled and went off to find one. Mark shook his head at Teddy who was just waking up and opening his eyes to take in where they were.

“Hey buddy. I think Papa's wanting to go on a bit of a spree. Probably best if we just roll with it.”

Mark held up the item Seb had left with him.

“Whaddya think mate? This your colour?”

He dangled it nearer and Teddy pawed in its direction. Seb came back over, basket in hand.

“Hey he likes it,” beamed Seb.

“Sure. Take it we're buying it then?”

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah why not? He does need some bigger stuff. Might be worth getting a size up in a few bits too.”

“Oh good idea. Right then.”

Mark smiled at Teddy and gave him a little wink. Seb had never been that fussed about clothes shopping for himself, but shopping for their son was a whole different matter. Mark was already guessing that the tray under the pram was going to be filled with bags before their trip was done.

  
  


They continued on, trawling the town centre for baby shops or bigger shops that had children's departments, taking turns to push the pram and keeping an eye on Teddy who really was being very good and seemed quite happy to lie in his pram as more things were found for him. As they stood in the baby section of a large department store Mark smiled as Sebastian got excited at finding something new.

“Oh Mark, look at the little dinosaurs on this one.”

Mark huffed a laugh as Sebastian held up yet another babygro.

“We're going to need an extra car to take all this home.”

Seb pouted and held it closer to him.

“Lickle cartoon dinosaurs Liebling. They're so cute and look, oh my god there's a toy to go with it. Look at this. Oh it's so soft and fuzzy!”

Sebastian was holding a blue felt triceratops which matched the dinosaurs on the clothing. Seb smiled and rubbed it into Mark's nose. Mark tried to remain dignified, but it was pretty much impossible. Okay so it was soft and cute and Seb looked so happy and pretty damn cute too.

“Fine. Stick it in.”

“And the clothes?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian beamed and looked down at the baby in the pram, dancing the toy dinosaur to him, getting the baby to reach up to paw at it.

“Yeah, see Teddy loves it. Don't you have a nice daddy?”

Mark smiled and nodded. Okay spoiling didn't count when they were less than a month old. Right? At this rate Teddy was going to have a new outfit to wear every single day.

They went a few paces on then Mark heard a gasp and Seb turned around having snatched up something else.

“Oh, my, god! Mark, oh look; He can _be_ the dinosaur!”

Sebastian waved a pale blue fleecy babygro that had little dark blue felt triangles down the back and a hood with more 'spikes' going up in a row as well as dinosaur ears.

“It's even got a little tail! Oh Liebling he'll look adorable!”

Mark laughed helplessly as Sebastian swished the felt tail to demonstrate. He shook his head down at Teddy.

“Sorry mate, you'll just have to get used to this.”

“He'll like it,” insisted Seb.

“Sure.”

“He will and think how cute he'll look.”

Mark nodded and took the item to add to the basket. Okay so it was pretty cute. Heaven help Teddy when next Christmas came around. Mark already suspected that their son would spend most of December dressed as a Christmas pudding, or an elf, or a reindeer, or probably all of those things in rotation. Poor kid was going to have some really embarrassing photos to tease him with when he was a teenager.

  
  


It wasn't just toys and clothes that caught Seb's eye. In the next place he held up what looked like a cross between a sleeping bag and a pair of padded dungarees. Mark frowned.

“What's that?”

“It's called a grow-bag. So they can sleep in it and be all warm,” Seb explained.

Mark chuckled.

“Makes him sound like a prize tomato.”

Sebastian's face fell and Mark felt mean for being a downer.

“You know what darling, that sounds a good idea. Maybe for when he's in the cot?”

Sebastian picked himself up again.

“That's what I thought. When he's bigger.”

“Sure. We'll get a larger size then.”

“Okay.”

As Seb picked up another little outfit he saw Mark raising an eyebrow.

“No?”

“Hey sweetheart if you want it, get it.”

“Am I being over the top?”

Mark gave his arm a rub.

“Darling you're just enthusiastic. It's fine. If you think that's nice stick it in.”

“Don't you like it?”

Mark paused and looked at it; a little stripy top and leggings. A bit big maybe, but they were meant to be stocking up. They'd have far less time for this sort of thing when the season started.

“Very nice.”

“So shall we get it?”

Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart you know you earn more money than me, right? You don't have to ask permission.”

“I just want you to agree.”

“Well I do, it's all good.”

“I know maybe I'm going a bit over the top, it's just...”

Seb shrugged and Mark shook his head. Seb was enjoying himself. Why shouldn't he?

“No darling. It's good. Got to have our little guy looking nice.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. All good. Now then, what about that cute little t-shirt there?”

Sebastian looked at the t-shirt with a cartoon pirate on the front Mark was pointing to and picked up off the rail.

“A bit big.”

“Ah he'll grow into it. Stick it in.”

Sebastian added the t-shirt on its tiny hanger to the ever growing pile in the basket.

“Now then,” picked up Mark. “We need to find him some little bathers if he's gonna go swimming don't we?”

Sebastian smiled.

“I think I saw some baby swimwear over there.”

“Lead on.”

  
  


  
  


After an hour the basket under the pram really was getting full to overflowing and they had a couple of bags hooked onto the pram handle as well.

“Good call this,” noted Mark.

“Hm?”

“The pram. Lot's of storage.”

“Ah, yeah.”

Just then Teddy started fussing and they leaned over the pram to peel back layers so they could check his nappy.

“Ah, hmm, okay.”

“You'd think they'd have somewhere in here,” noted Sebastian.

Mark nodded and looked around for a sign. They were in another department store, but all he could see was changing room signs and that wasn't the kind of changing they needed. They walked around for a few minutes, Teddy wailing ever louder.

“Sorry buddy, we'll find one soon.”

Sebastian spotted an assistant and they went over.

“Excuse me. Do you have somewhere to change the baby?”

The woman indicated over to the lift.

“Third floor in the ladies bathroom.”

“Oh.”

She looked back at the pair of them.

“Ah.”

“Not one in the men's?” checked Mark.

The woman shook her head awkwardly.

“Sorry.”

Mark puffed a breath. They were going to have to get used to the world not being set up for them.

“Right, um... Is there a disabled loo?”

“Yes but it doesn't have a changing table I'm afraid.”

Mark nodded. He looked down at Teddy who was bawling in misery now. If they traipsed around town looking for a more forward thinking provision they'd be leaving their son in discomfort. They'd just have to improvise.

“Okay, where is it?”

“Third floor between the men's and women's. You'll have to ask on the till for the key.”

“Right. Thanks.”

 

They headed over to the lift to go up a floor and Mark could see Seb looked unhappy.

“We'll just have to start investigating facilities so we know where to go,” he decided.

“Mm.”

Seb sighed and reached in to lift Teddy out of the pram, holding him against his chest to try to calm him.

“It's alright Liebling, just give us a minute.”

 

They exited onto the third floor and found the till with another assistant who frowned unhelpfully at their request. Mark wanted to ask her if she was going to volunteer to change the nappy instead, but he held his tongue as Teddy cried louder and the woman handed over the key just to be rid of them. Finding the bathrooms Mark considered that they could have asked the woman to check if the ladies was empty so they could go in there, but someone was bound to walk in, so they opened up the disabled toilet, parking the pram outside and trusting someone wouldn't run off with it or all the things they had bought.

Stepping into the disabled loo they peered around, trying to judge how clean it was. They didn't really have much choice though so Mark unhitched the baby bag from his shoulder and pulled out the travel changing mat, laying it on the floor. Seb pulled a face, but Mark shrugged.

“Darling he's not actually on the floor.”

“Hmm.”

“Come on, put him down.”

Sebastian sighed heavily and reluctantly placed the crying baby down on the changing mat. It didn't feel right with the toilet right there and though it looked clean it was bound to be swimming in germs. Teddy was still bawling though so he shut everything else out and started helping Mark to undress him so they could sort Teddy out and get him cleaned and changed. There wasn't a huge amount of space, but they managed it, risking leaving him lying there for a second while they washed their hands at the sink before Mark picked Teddy back up again.

“See, fine now aren't you mate?”

Sebastian got out a tissue to dry Teddy's face as he finally calmed down. Mark smoothed over the baby's back to soothe him.

“There now. You're fine.”

Sebastian let out a breath that he tried not to sound like a sigh. At least Teddy hadn't touched the floor or anything else in here. Maybe he was being paranoid? Seb packed away all the things, giving the back of the changing mat a quick clean with an antiseptic wipe before fitting it back into the bag. They stepped back out and Seb relocked the door, then looked over to see Mark putting a now calmed Teddy back in his pram.

“Would be a number two,” noted Mark.

“Hmm. I guess we should have thought of this.”

Mark folded the blanket back over Teddy and stood straight.

“Rookie error. We'll get better.”

Sebastian nodded.

“It just doesn't feel very nice.”

Mark rubbed over his arm.

“I know. It's alright though. Teddy's fine.”

“Do you think there might be websites that list where there's baby changing tables and things?” wondered Sebastian.

“Yeah maybe. Be helpful if they say precisely where they're located too.”

“Mm. Okay, guess we'd better give this back.”

  
  


They walked back past all the racks of clothing and mannequins showing off the latest ladies fashions.

“She wasn't terribly sympathetic,” noted Mark. “Maybe I should tell her they'd do better to join the twenty-first century with their facilities?”

Sebastian looked at him and Mark shook his head.

“I won't. Don't worry.”

Seb went to give the key back and they headed straight for the lift, not much wanting to stay in here any more. As they exited the shop out onto the high street Seb fixed the pram covers in place as Mark checked the time.

“Do you reckon if we went to the bookshop the café might warm his bottle?”

“Is it time?”

“Soon. I mean he'd probably be fine if we go straight home now.”

Sebastian paused.

“I'd quite like to get him some books to put in the nursery. I know we could get them online, but I like to look through them.”

“Sure. Well then let's ask first and if they can help us out we can have a coffee and sit down.”

  
  


Sebastian nodded and they made their way to the large bookshop they usually frequented. It had a step at the entrance but they managed to tip the pram up to pass over it and steered their way past the tables piled with books on offer at the front of the store to find the lift to the top floor where the café they often went to was located. It was a bit difficult fighting their way through all the little tables and chairs, but it wasn't too busy seeing as it was a while off lunchtime yet. As they got to the counter Mark gave the barista a smile.

“Hey mate, can you do us a favour?”

“Um, maybe.”

“We were just wondering if you could help out with a bottle?”

The young man frowned in confusion and Mark nodded to the pram Seb stood with a couple of feet back.

“Baby bottle. We'd just need like some hot water to warm it.”

“Oh, um, Jackie?”

He went to fetch his manager who Mark re-explained his request to.

“Sure. No problem,” assured the manager. “Do you need any food warming?”

“Ah no thanks, he's just a nipper. Thanks though. Right, and two medium Americanos if you would.”

“Course. I'll bring it over.”

“Thanks.”

Mark paid and went back to choose a table out of the way where they could have the pram with them without blocking others. Seb lifted Teddy out and sat holding him as their drinks and an extra large mug filled with hot water was brought on a tray along with a pile of napkins. The woman smiled at the baby.

“You weren't kidding,” she noted. “He's tiny. It is a he?” she guessed from the little pale blue hat he was wearing.

“Yep,” confirmed Mark.

“Very sweet. Right, well if you just put the bottle in the mug to warm up you should be all set. Anything else you need, just ask.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes, thank you,” added Sebastian.

Mark found the ready-made up bottle in the bag and placed it into the mug to heat, glad that Teddy wasn't fussing for it yet. That was another thing they were going to have to get used to planning ahead when they went out.

“She was nice,” commented Seb.

“Mm. Well they've always been okay in here haven't they?”

“Do you think she recognised us?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. Does no good getting paranoid.”

“No I suppose.” Seb looked down at Teddy, then back at Mark. “When the running pram comes do you think we could take him into the coffee shop in the village?”

“Yeah, course. That's be nice. We've been meaning to haven't we?”

Seb huffed a little laugh. All the things they used to do without thinking all required so much more effort now that even going to the coffee shop had fallen by the wayside somehow.

“I bet they'll be thrilled to meet our little addition to the family,” noted Mark.

Sebastian smiled.

“I bet. I know they'd never say anything to people.”

“Yeah we can trust them. Good idea sweetheart. Next week maybe?”

“Mm. Is the bottle warm yet do you think?”

Mark plucked it out and swirled the contents around, giving it another minute before testing it and handing the bottle over. He did hope nobody did recognise them and decide to spread what they saw. That would rather spoil their PR departments careful planning. Best not to make Seb worry any more than he already did.

  
  


After they had all had their drinks and thanked the manager, they went down to the children's department to pick out some baby books and picture books. It didn't matter that Teddy was really far too young to appreciate them yet, it felt nice to buy them and it cheered them up after their rather unpleasant experience in the department store. As they paid at the till it occurred to Mark that they should ask about here.

“Just out of interest mate, do you have baby-changing facilities in here?”

The cashier looked up from fitting the books into a couple of bags.

“Oh um, yeah up by the café. They're in the disabled toilet.”

Mark looked to Seb and coughed a helpless laugh.

“Typical.”

“Do you need directions?” asked the shop assistant.

Mark looked back to him.

“Ah no thanks. Just for future knowledge. Tell your boss you guys do a much better job than some at looking after your customers.”

“Oh, um, thanks I will.”

“Cheers then.”

Mark took the bags and seeing as there was no room to wedge any more purchases on or under the pram he hung onto them as Seb pushed it out of the shop. As they headed down the pedestrianised street. Seb shrugged.

“Guess we're learning where we're wanted.”

“Yeah well, their loss. Bookshop's alright though.”

“I'm glad. I want him to have lots of books.”

Mark smiled and fitted an arm around Seb as they walked.

“Course. He's gonna be top of the class.”

Sebastian sent him a look, but he knew Mark was teasing.

“Right, shall we go home?”

“Read my mind darling. Quite enough adventure for one day.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The following Monday afternoon they changed Teddy out of one of his new little outfits into an even smaller pair of swimming trunks. The baby lay on the bed up in their room, his body looking a little scrawny all exposed, so Seb wrapped him up in his towel to keep him warm.

“Do you think the built-in nappy actually works?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“Guess we'll find out. I suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world if he pees in the pool.”

“Mm, but if...”

“Yeah, well let's hope not. Right little man, all set.”

Mark smiled in at the baby in Seb's arms. They were already changed themselves with hoodies on top so all they had to do was double-check the thermometer on the control panel in the corridor, then dump their towels and tops on the side. Mark had uncovered the pool when he turned the temperature up that morning so he went to the side and trailed his hand in the water.

“Certainly feels warm,” he reported.

Sebastian nodded and came closer, only unwrapping Teddy as Mark unzipped his hoody and ditched it with the towels then sat on the side. Seb passed the baby over to him and pulled his own hoody over his head ready to get in.

“Okay so if I go in and you pass him to me,” instructed Seb.

“Sure.” Mark smiled at Teddy. “This is exciting isn't it kiddo?”

Sebastian slipped into the water. They were only at the shallow end so he bobbed down, thinking how much warmer it did feel to normal. It wasn't unpleasant though, more like being in a spa bath. He moved close to where Mark sat with his feet dangling in the water and held out his arms so Mark could pass Teddy over before following him to join them. At first Seb held Teddy against him, his arms wrapped securely around him, but as the baby seemed fairly content he relaxed a little.

“Hey buddy, what d'you think?” asked Mark.

Teddy looked at him, then moved his arm experimentally in the water. Seb ducked a little lower, bending his knees further so Teddy was in all the way in up to his shoulders. Mark took hold of Teddy's hand and encouraged him to splash a little.

“Yeah like that mate.”

“Shall we try lying him?” suggested Seb.

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian moved his arms to support Teddy lying back more, the back of his head just in the water as it would be in the bath. The baby wriggled a bit, still not sure about getting his head wet and Seb angled his arm higher to raise Teddy's head out whilst still allowing him to lie out more.

“You got him?” checked Mark.

“Yeah I think so.”

“We should get him one of those little floating vests.”

“Not until he can support his own head.”

“Ah, yeah I guess. You know I bet he'd float.”

“We're not trying it.”

Mark smiled.

“Alright sweetheart I'm not suggesting we let go of him.”

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head at Seb fretting.

“It's fine.” He reached to tickle Teddy's tummy. “This nice buddy? You having a little swim?”

“We'll have to teach him.”

“Yeah, maybe give it six months though.”

“Tsk Mark.”

Mark smiled.

“Actually I bet he will take to it. Safer if he does learn as young as possible.”

“We'll need to be really careful about the door.”

“Sure. Not a concern just yet though, right?”

“Yeah okay,” nodded Seb. “You want a go?”

 

Mark took hold of Teddy, lying him cradled in his arms and swishing him very gently back and forth in the water. Teddy kicked his legs a bit, not in any controlled fashion, but Seb decided it was a good sign.

“I think he does like it,” he observed.

“Course he does. Just like Papa aren't you mate?”

“Ein Wasseratte.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah. Still think he's too cute for that.”

Sebastian smiled as Teddy flailed an arm out.

“His little trunks are cute too.”

Mark looked at them, they were rather puffy seeing as they concealed a bathing nappy, but they were cute; bright blue and covered in little cartoon sea creatures.

“Got the whole cast of 'Finding Nemo' on there.”

“Pretty much,” agreed Seb.

Mark slowly swooshed Teddy about a bit in the water, making the baby haphazardly splash about a bit more.

“Want a go?” he offered.

“Okay.”

Sebastian took Teddy back and held him sideways into his chest as they ventured a little deeper so his parents could stand in the water.

“So I reckon we'll be fine doing this while you do some proper laps,” asserted Mark.

“Mm.”

Mark huffed a laugh at Seb's reticence.

“You can have a play too,” he offered.

“Yeah well maybe if we mix it up a bit?”

“Sure. I could do with doing a few laps myself.”

Sebastian bobbed a little in the water as they looked down to Teddy. Mark took a hold of his son's hands and tried moving them up and down as Seb held him.

“He's looking at me, like 'what are you doing'?” Mark laughed.

Sebastian peered down at their son.

“What is Daddy doing Teddybär? He teaching you to swim Schatz?”

“Not sure are you?” noted Mark, letting go of him to just allow Teddy to be in the water. It probably more than plenty for now.

  
  


They stayed in for another fifteen minutes, then Teddy decided he'd had enough and started crying, so they reversed the process of passing him between them as they climbed out. They wrapped Teddy back up in his towel and took turns to dry themselves. It was a bit of a faff and neither of them thought they'd fancy trying it on their own, but it was a good enough start.

Teddy was still fussing even though he was dry and Mark guessed it was because his little towel was rather damper now. Their own towels were also damp so that was no good. Mark was about to pull on his hoody when he changed his mind and laid it out on a dry area on the side of the pool and took Teddy back from Sebastian. He lay Teddy down on the hoody and wrapped it right around him, folding the bottom up first so the baby was entirely swaddled and warm. The baby was so small that the hood alone was enormous on his little head so Mark folded it back a bit so Teddy could see out before scooping him up.

He held Teddy all bundled up in the soft fleecy fabric and the baby quieted as Mark kept him up against his chest.

“Aha,” he smiled. “I think I've hit on something.”

Sebastian pulled on his own hoody and nodded as he looked at Teddy now peacefully resting his cheek by Mark's shoulder, snuffling his face into the side of the fleece of the hood.

“Do you like that Liebling?”

“I think he does. I guess the fleece is nice and soft.”

“Does it smell of Daddy? I like that too,” smiled Seb as he watched the way the baby continued to rub his face into the hood against Mark.

Mark huffed a laugh and stroked over Teddy's back. So he was left stood only in his wet trunks and the baby was wearing nothing under that hoody? Never mind.

“You wanna grab all our stuff?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“I think we'd better get a nappy on him before this little one decides to pee all over my hoody.”

 

Sebastian laughed, then started collecting up damp things and they headed back out and upstairs. Seb spending a couple of minutes choosing another new outfit to dress their son in as Mark laid Teddy on the changing mat and put a nappy on him. While they waited for Seb to make his choice Mark put his hoody back over Teddy like a blanket and played peekaboo with the hood, leaning over to hide his own face with it rather than Teddy's in case that scared him. Teddy frowned in confusion as his daddy kept disappearing, but as he reappeared again with a big grin on his face Teddy tried reaching up to Mark's face and Mark laughed.

“Do you not want me going away my lovely?”

Seb came over with the dinosaur babygro along with a plain short one to go under it.

“What's Daddy doing Schatz? Is he being silly?”

“Very silly,” confirmed Mark.

Sebastian leaned in and gave Teddy's cheek a kiss.

“He thinks he's funny Teddybär, you'll get used to it.”

“Hey, I am funny,” protested Mark.

“Course you are,” agreed Seb giving Mark's cheek a kiss as well. “Come on, let's get him dressed before he gets cold.”

Mark looked at the little dinosaur outfit as Seb put the under layer on Teddy. It was fleecy too so at least Teddy would be warm in his little onesie. He handed it over for Sebastian to dress Teddy in it, pulling the hood up once he was done.

“Oh Liebling look,” beamed Sebastian.

“Yep. He's dinosaur,” Mark grinned.

Mark picked Teddy up and held him sideways to face Sebastian.

“Rarr!”

Seb laughed and Mark shook his head.

“Well if we're gonna dress our poor kid up we'd better at least take some pics to send our folks.”

“He likes it,” insisted Seb, reaching in to stroke Teddy's cheek.

“Sure and being all cosy.”

“What's wrong with that?”

“Nothing's wrong with that darling. Go on, you take him. I'm gonna get my phone.”

  
  


Mark took a moment to pull on some dry clothes before collecting up his mobile phone from the side of the bed and returning to the nursery to see Sebastian holding Teddy into his shoulder and talking to him in German.

“You're just so cute. You're the cutest little dinosaur and you did so well at swimming Teddy.”

Mark paused in the doorway as he watched Seb dip in to kiss Teddy's tiny nose. He smiled and snuck a silent photograph thinking the pair of them were both too cute for words in their own ways. Seb lifted his head and spotted Mark.

“Oh hey.”

“Hey sweetheart. Do you want to get dressed?”

“In a sec.”

“Righto. Come on then little fella, give us a smile.”

Mark smiled to Teddy, but all the baby did was stay leaning into his papa, so he took a photograph of that, then showed it to Seb.

“Aw.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Mum's gonna love this. Yours too.”

“Are you going to send it?”

“Yep.”

Mark sent the picture out to the family group on his phone.

“Right sweetheart, you want to put some dry clothes on before you get pneumonia?”

“Oh I guess.”

Mark took the baby.

“It's almost time for his bottle so I'll go sort that and then what say we put a film on have a nice dino snuggle on the sofa?”

“That sounds good,” agreed Seb.

“Great. You catch us up then.”

  
  


 

Thus they spent the latter part of the afternoon on the sofa, the fire lit and 'Finding Nemo' playing out on the television. As they fed Teddy his bottle Mark pointed to the screen.

“See kiddo, that's what we were doing earlier.”

Teddy's big blue eyes focussed not on the television but on Mark smiling down at him. Mark stroked his cheek. Their son didn't care about films yet. He didn't care about being dressed up. All he cared about was being clean and warm and dry, he cared about the nice warm milk filling his little belly, he cared about being safely held in his papa's loving arms and his daddy paying him attention. If it made Seb happy to dress their son up then it made Mark happy too. What the hell, life too often threw hard times at you, you might as well enjoy dressing up as a dinosaur while you could, or rather dressing someone else up as one. Teddy wasn't complaining. Mark leaned over and gave Sebastian a kiss.

“What was that for?” asked Seb.

“Cos I love you. I don't need a better reason.”

Sebastian smiled, that proper, eyes bright smile that Mark loved. Mark glanced at the scene now playing on television.

“Okay I give in, I'm totally looking for a baby shark outfit online.”

“Ha! And you said I was silly.”

“I did not say you were silly.”

“You thought it.”

Mark paused.

“Well I was wrong. He does look adorable and that little hood's a good idea.”

“I think he liked being in your hoody,” noted Seb.

“Mm, yeah I might try that trick in the night if he won't settle.”

“He's pretty settled now.”

“Yeah. You're being a good boy for Daddy and Papa aren't you darling?”

Teddy merely sucked on his bottle. Warm milk nice, warm clothes nice, warm arms nice.

 

Once he had finished feeding it didn't take Teddy long to drop off. Normally they'd go up to attempt a nap themselves, but they were too cosy and the film was only half-way through, so Seb placed Teddy into the crook of his right arm leaning into Mark who put a cushion under it and fitted his left arm around Seb so they could cuddle up, Mark and Seb resting in together with their little blue dinosaur fast asleep in the middle, all warm and content. For today that was more than enough.

  
  


 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy, fuzzy warm stuff for the most part. I'm not sorry. 
> 
> ;)


	201. Leaving the nest - Part 2

 

* * *

 

 

 

The following Wednesday Sebastian went into work again. When he saw Antti he could at least tell him that he was making an effort to do more training. The day before they had used the gym, trying Mark's idea of lying Teddy in his crib in front of them so they could watch him as they worked out, but that only lasted fifteen minutes before the baby started fussing and Mark abandoned his efforts and took him through to the kitchen leaving Seb in peace. Seb forced himself to keep going for another half hour before he grabbed a shower and redressed to go and find them sat in the lounge. He did tell his trainer that he was trying to resume swimming as well, but playing with Mark and Teddy in the water didn't really count, so Sebastian put more effort into his workout with Antti instead, resolving that as soon as their running buggy arrived they would start their daily run back up.

After that he spent some time with the engineers as well as getting chats with both Christian and Britta who went with him to talk to the legal team about the preparation work they were putting in to protect Teddy's privacy and their own when the news went out. It still made Sebastian a little nervous, but he was reassured that they were doing all they could and though he apologised for putting something so personal into their work-pile, none of the couple of lawyers involved seemed put out and seeing as one of them was Alex who had been involved in their adoption efforts Seb felt as though he could trust them to really be on his side.

Before going in he had texted his boss to check it was okay that Mark should bring Teddy in, but Christian seemed only too keen to see his future godson and when Seb went down to visit the mechanics to check on how they were getting on he made the mistake of telling them the baby was coming for a visit. As soon as they heard that, all discussion of developments on the car went out the window and Seb found himself only talking about his son and promising that he would bring him down to say hello.

  
  


At midday he went to reception and waited for Mark to arrive. He appeared five minutes later bearing Teddy in his little car-seat in one hand, the baby-bag crammed with essentials they couldn't leave the house without on his other side. Mark kissed Seb on the cheek as he set the carrier down on the coffee table by the seating.

“Hey sweetheart. Everything gone alright this morning?” greeted Mark.

“Yeah fine.”

Sebastian ducked down to look at Teddy who was fast asleep.

“I didn't want to disturb him,” explained Mark.

Seb nodded and stood back up.

“I think travelling in the car makes him nod off,” Mark observed.

“Mm, okay well we should probably go up to see Christian first, then we've pretty much got to do the rounds seeing as I told people we were bringing Teddy in.”

“Ah right. Keen to meet him are they?”

“Yep.”

Mark huffed a laugh and reached down to gently stroke Teddy's cheek.

“You might have to wake up buddy, your public awaits.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes at Mark joking, but they headed for the stairs, stopping off en route so the girl on reception could have a peek at Teddy before she let them go.

  
  


Reaching Christian's office Seb knocked on the door.

“Yes?”

He pushed it open and stuck his head in.

“Hey. You free for a hello?”

Christian got up from behind his desk.

“Oh are they here? Come on in.”

He came around to meet them as the family entered his office.

“Hi Mark. How are you?” greeted Christian.

“Good mate. You?”

“Ah busy. You know how it is.”

Mark huffed a laughed.

“Certainly do.”

He set the baby carrier on an empty patch of desk and Christian leaned in to look.

“Fast asleep,” he noted.

“Yeah sorry mate.”

“The car seems to send him off,” explained Seb.

Christian nodded.

“He looks well,” he observed.

“Yeah he's getting bigger.”

“I can tell. Nearly a month since I last saw him.”

“Oh gosh, is it?”

“You'll have to come over seeing as you're going to be godfather,” invited Mark.

Christian looked to the pair of them.

“How are we getting on with that? Do you have a date?”

“Um, no. We thought we should get a bit further on with things first.”

“Sure. In the summer maybe? I'd presume you'd have the adoption all sorted by then,” suggested Christian.

Even hearing about waiting so long for the adoption being finalised made Seb nervous, but Mark smiled and nodded.

“That's not such a bad idea actually. Don't suppose it'd matter if we waited would it sweetheart?”

“Hmm?” frowned Seb. “Oh, um yeah I guess.”

“We could make it a proper celebration then. Maybe have it near our barbecue in the summer when our folks are around?”

Sebastian nodded. He almost wished they could fast-forward to then, though as he looked at their tiny son it seemed wrong to wish away any time with him.

“Sounds a great idea,” offered Christian. “Just let me know.”

“Sure. In the meantime maybe you could come for Sunday lunch sometime?” proposed Mark.

“Very kind.”

Sebastian perked up, not wanting to let himself worry about things.

“You'd be very welcome. My sister's coming next weekend, but there's two weekends before testing still after that,” he noted.

Christian nodded.

“I'll check my diary. Thanks.”

“Whenever you're free,” agreed Mark.

“Sure. Thank you. So then, are you just going to do the rounds?” asked Christian.

“If that's okay?” checked Seb. “I know everyone's busy.”

“Oh I'm sure they'd be thrilled to meet this young man. Part of the team isn't he?”

Mark huffed a laugh and Sebastian smiled.

“Thanks.”

  
  


After exchanging a few more pleasantries with Christian they moved on to say hello to Adrian in the next office. The softly-spoken engineer wasn't one for gushing, but he smiled at seeing the baby.

“Hard to remember when my own were that small,” he noted.

Sebastian nodded. It was rare that Adrian spoke about his family. He tended to be so focussed on his work that you almost forgot he had a private life, but they had come with him to their party in the summer and it was nice to see this other side of him.

“Baby-seats always remind me of racing seats,” commented Adrian as he looked at Teddy in his.

Mark chuckled.

“Yeah mate, all strapped in with a five-point harness and everything.”

“Mm, even the angle. No wonder drivers sometimes fall asleep in them.”

“I don't,” defended Sebastian.

Adrian looked at him.

“No, some though.”

“Hopefully not whilst driving.”

Adrian smiled.

“No indeed. Well he looks very comfortable.”

“I'm sorry he's not awake.”

“Oh no problem. I'm sure you're grateful for the peace.”

“Mm. Speaking of which we should let you get some,” decided Mark knowing how much Adrian must have to do. “Good to see you.”

“And you. And your new addition. I believe you'll be accompanying us to races?”

“Hopefully yeah,” confirmed Mark.

“Good, well...”

“We'll get on. Nice to see you.”

  
  


They moved on, visiting the engineering offices where members of the team mostly dropped what they were doing to crowd around to see the baby that they had heard about. Mark set the carrier on another desk and was glad he had brought Teddy in it so he could rest his arms for a bit. He and Seb stood either side so nobody pressed in too much, but he could see in Seb's eyes that he was a little concerned that people might get too close or all want to chubb their baby's cheek or ask to hold him and Mark made a mental note to be sure that he protected their personal space when they did get to the paddock. They'd have to arrive early perhaps, find the rear exits to places. Mark knew that their son was bound to attract attention and even if most of it was simply curiosity and not threatening, he would need to make sure Teddy was protected from that.

Each office area they went into Seb entered with a slightly awkward 'hi' and an explanation that they'd come to say hello before a rumble a chatter went around the room and nearly all came to say hello. Teddy was proving just as popular as Mark had predicted and Seb hoped they weren't causing too much disruption when they were all so busy working on preparations for testing that was coming up. They even called in at the legal office seeing as Seb thought it would be a good idea for them to see who they were working to protect. Teddy had woken up at last after all the fuss being made of him and as Mark lifted him out Alex smiled to see the baby squashing into him.

“All worth it then?”

“Hmm?”

“All your work to adopt.”

“Ah.”

Mark looked to Sebastian and nodded.

“We're still in the process,” Seb explained. “It takes several months.”

“I see, well we've got things all in hand here. Protection and privacy orders should all be in place soon.” Alex looked to Sebastian. “You're not taking him to testing are you?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. It's too soon. Melbourne maybe. We're not one hundred percent sure yet.”

“Well we'll work on the basis that you are so it's sorted well in advance.”

“Thank you. Really we could do with making sure it's done for when we kindof let people know, publicly I mean, in a few weeks.”

“Britta keeps chasing us on it, don't worry. She's on the case,” joked Alex.

Sebastian smiled. He couldn't help but be pleased she was working on his behalf.

“Thanks. Speaking of which, we should go find her.”

“Good to see you. Nice to meet this little chap too.”

  
  


Seb picked up the carrier while Mark carried the baby. They called in at the logistics office where they chatted with the staff about the arrangements they were working on and were reminded that they needed to get Teddy's passport sorted and make decisions about when Mark would be bringing him along with Seb for races. It all seemed things were rushing in on them now when in all honesty with Teddy only a month old it felt as though they were just popping their heads above water for the first time. As they walked towards Britta's office Sebastian looked to Mark.

“We'll have to talk to Rachel about all that too.”

Mark nodded.

“Be alright. She knows it's part of the plan.”

“Mm.”

Mark looked to him.

“Darling don't fret. She'll help us with all the paperwork. By the time we'll probably be heading out to see my folks we'll have the adoption process properly underway.”

“Yeah okay.”

“It'll be fine sweetheart.”

“Mm. Okay. Sorry.”

“It's alright. You want to hold him?”

Mark passed Teddy over to Seb, knowing how having him close always seemed to calm him. There was going to be a ridiculous amount of bureaucracy around their son; legal paperwork for his adoption, legal orders to protect him, additional paperwork to get his passport and visas. All for one so small. It couldn't be avoided though, so they'd better get on with it and make sure it was all sorted out.

  
  


They arrived at Britta's office to find her busily working away, but she stopped and came round to perch on the desk to chat to them. Seeing as Seb had already seen her today they didn't need to go over anything work-related and Sebastian felt comfortable enough with her that he actually allowed his assistant to have a hold of the baby.

“You're not planning on adding babysitting to my list of duties are you?” joked Britta.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No don't worry. You already work too hard.”

“Sides if Teddy's gonna be there, I'll be there,” pointed out Mark.

Britta smiled at him.

“Of course. Well, nice to meet him at last. He really is tiny.”

“Not as tiny as he was,” noted Seb.

Mark reached in and chubbed Teddy's increasingly rounded cheek.

“Proper little bubba aren't you now mate?”

Teddy flailed out a hand at his father so Britta passed him back.

“Very sweet,” she offered.

“Not always this quiet,” smiled Mark. “But he's a good lad aren't you?”

“I'm sure. Oh Mark while you're here. Melbourne. Have you decided?”

Mark looked to Seb. They really couldn't keep putting decisions off. They exchanged a silent conversation and Mark nodded.

“Yeah I'll be there.”

“Great. And your family? I'm guessing they'd like to be again too.”

“Um, well yeah. I'll have to check.”

“I think Ryan would be upset to miss it,” noted Seb.

“Yeah he would,” agreed Mark. “I'd better give them a ring.”

“You'll let me know?” checked Britta.

“Sure. Thanks.”

“No bother. Just need to get things planned out.”

“Always organised,” smiled Mark. “No problem. I'll let you know as soon as I can.”

“Thank you.”

“We should let you get on,” decided Seb.

“Off home now?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“No I'm going down to see my guys in the mechanics bay.” He smiled at Mark. “If you think the PR girls fussed over him, wait till they see him.”

“Bunch of big softies,” grinned Mark. “Right, well we'd better not make them wait any longer. Britta, good to see you as always. Cheers for all your help.”

“Happy to.”

  
  


  
  


Before they entered the mechanics bay on the lower floor Mark passed Teddy back to Seb and gave him a little wink.

“Come on then. I can't wait to see how over-excited a bunch of six-foot blokes get at meeting a tiny baby.”

“You're a six-foot bloke,” countered Seb.

“Ha, good point.”

“Lots of them are dads you know.”

“Sure. Well they'll be good round him then won't they?”

Mark pushed open the door and they walked in to find not only Seb's team of mechanics but Dan's, all working on various immaculate work-tops with a prototype F1 car raised up in the centre of the white tiled floor. It had no wheels on, and was mostly a shell, but apart from that the car looked almost complete. They didn't get anywhere near it before they were surrounded and Sebastian was glad he was holding Teddy so he didn't get overwhelmed by so much interest. All the guys were leaning in to look, cooing at the baby and trying to get his attention.

“He's a lovely little fellow,” praised Dave. “I don't think any of mine were ever that quiet.”

Sebastian looked up from checking on Teddy.

“Oh I think he's a bit stunned by all the fuss.”

“Ah he's alright,” decided Steve. “Quite happy aren't you?”

He smiled at the baby and Seb smiled back. It was nice to see how pleased they all were for them and they seemed genuinely thrilled to see Teddy at last.

“Our first little RedBull baby,” laughed another.

“Ah no there's more than one,” pointed out Seb. “Cathy in HR has two kids with Richard from engineering, and Paul from marketing is married to Louise there too and they've got a little one as well.”

“Ha, okay, definitely our first from a pair of our drivers though.”

 

Sebastian glanced to Mark and nodded. They might not have produced their son biologically between them, but he was their child. No doubt he was going to hear that sort of comment a lot this year. The guys all spent some more time joking and fussing over the baby, Teddy coping remarkably well at not getting upset at all these strangers looking at him as long as his father held him close. Teddy kept his cheek pressed in by Sebastian's shoulder, his little hand resting on his RedBull hoody.

“We'll have to get him a little RedBull babygro,” joked Mike.

“Oh you don't have to get him anything,” assured Seb.

“Nonsense. Course we do. Gotta have him looking the part in the garage.”

“Um, well he's a bit small to be in the garage at races.”

“You'll bring him to say hello though?”

“Sure.”

“Guess you'll be in charge,” Mike noted to Mark.

“Yep. We'll bob down to say hi then hole up in hospitality.”

Mike gave the baby's arm a gentle stroke.

“Our littlest team member.”

Sebastian smiled at him. It was nice they were so welcoming. They probably wouldn't like visits so much if Teddy was bawling, but if he did they'd just have to knock visits to the garage on the head and say their goodbyes in his room at the motorhome. It was going to be strange without Mark there in the garage watching him as he always did, but Seb knew he had his support just as much even if he was a little further away. Their son was the priority now, Seb would just have to remember that was more important.

 

Mark had put Teddy in his little racing-car themed babygro for the occasion. When he had first worn it it had been baggy and loose-fitting, but now Teddy had definitely grown and filled it out. Soon they would need to be moving him up a size and buying yet more clothes. Not that Mark thought he would be able to throw out or give away Teddy's tiny premature size outfits any more that Seb would.

The guys were currently enjoying complimenting Seb on his choice of clothing for the baby.

“Oh Mark bought it not me,” excused Sebastian.

Steve gave Mark a nod.

“Good call. I guess he's got tonnes of racing stuff already?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“No not really. Actually we've been sent mostly Teddy-themed things from our family, haven't we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Ah well Teddy's a cute name.”

“Strictly speaking it's Teo.”

“Theo,” countered Mark.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Hence the fact we call him Teddy.”

“Oh I see. Still, nice though.”

“Yeah we like it,” agreed Mark, reaching in to stroke Teddy's cheek.

“Bet he'll be a racer with you pair as his dads,” commented another.

Mark caught Seb's eye, knowing his concerns on that front.

“Actually I'm dad, Seb's papa,” he distracted.

 

Their audience of mechanics laughed appreciatively. Sebastian almost went pink, knowing they would love teasing him about all this, but he just concentrated on Teddy. He liked their names, and their son's. They just seemed right. Seb couldn't wait until Teddy could speak. How wonderful it would feel to hear their son say 'Papa' and 'Daddy'.

“You should try him in the car,” proposed Steve.

Sebastian looked up.

“Oh um...”

“Bit small for that mate,” deflected Mark.

“Ah you should. He should be right at home seeing as he's your kid.”

“Imagine how happy Adrian would be to design a car around one that light?”

“He'd be perfect.”

Sebastian looked to Mark. He didn't want to be a downer on the occasion. One of the guys nodded to the carrier Mark held by his side.

“You could stick him in that. Bet it'll fit if we take the surround off.”

Seb looked over at the car a few feet away. He'd been sat in it himself an hour ago, just seeing how it felt with the new design. There was nothing Teddy could hurt himself on and he was too tiny to even understand what was really going on. Why not just make his guys happy?

“Um, okay. What do you think Liebling?”

Mark looked into his eyes to be sure Seb wasn't being pushed into this, then nodded.

“Just for a second I guess. Yeah why not?”

 

He went to set the carrier down on a clear part of one of the work units and they placed Teddy in it, strapping the baby in and getting a second alone while the guys made sure the car was ready.

“You alright with this sweetheart?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“He won't really know will he?”

“Nah. I don't think he knows what any of this is about do you mate?”

He stroked Teddy's cheek.

“Being such a good lad today,” praised Mark.

“He is,” Seb agreed. “I think if we just do this and then head home. Isn't he due a feed?”

Mark looked at his watch.

“Be fine until half one I reckon. Time enough to get back.”

“Right.”

“And we could actually get some lunch ourselves.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah I'm starving. Antti really pushed me this morning.”

Mark nodded.

“Well we'll schedule a post-lunch nap at some point then, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian checked the straps were securely done up, then lifted the carrier and brought it over to the guys crowded around the car. Maybe this was a bit crazy, but it was only meant in fun and he knew he needed to lighten up a little. As they parted to let them through Seb peered into the car. The outer shoulder surround was off and the wheel wasn't fitted so there was more space. He wondered how well the baby carrier would balance on his molded seat seeing as it wasn't flat, but he supposed he could hold onto the handle.

“You gonna put him in then?” prompted Steve.

“Sure.”

Sebastian hid taking a deep breath and lifted the carrier into the car. He rested the base on the seat, but it wobbled and he couldn't help nervously lifting it out again.

“Um, doesn't really sit right.”

“Oh I know, hang on.”

One of the guys rushed over and grabbed a box emptied of parts and set it inside to provide a flat surface. Mark reached in and checked it was stable before giving Seb a nod and Teddy was lowered in again, now sitting higher up, his little head visible above the top.

“Oh my god, he really does look like a tiny driver,” laughed one of the guys.

“He's so cute.”

“You should get a picture.”

 

Mark looked to Seb, who gave a little nod. At least none of the guys were asking to take pictures themselves and he knew they weren't allowed phones in the workshop, so Mark took his own phone out and went to the front of the car to take a photograph, one with Seb still holding onto the carrier with everyone around, then another where they backed off and Sebastian dared to let go and Mark managed to grab a snap of the baby seeming to be alone sat in the car even though his father's hand was just an inch out of shot, ready to grab the handle to whip him out if necessary.

“You need one of both of you,” decided Mike.

He came over to Mark offering out his hand for the phone so Mark handed it over and went to the other side of the car so he and Seb were either side of the baby for another shot. For all Seb's worrying Teddy seemed entirely content where he was, staring out with his bright blue eyes wide at all these strange things and strange people. Photo taken, Seb lifted the baby out while Mark took back his phone and indulged the guys by showing them the photos so they could coo over those as well. It was a good job they were only on his phone or Mark suspected that despite the team doing remarkably well to keep this great piece of gossip internal, a photo like that would be too entertaining not to share.

“We should be working on how we attach that baby-seat onto the car,” joked one of the guys.

“Put it in place of the monkey-seat,” laughed another.

Sebastian just smiled. Their enthusiasm was well meant and hard to resist, even if he didn't really want to even think of Teddy anywhere near something as dangerous as a car actually racing. The car didn't even have its engine it yet and all the equipment was switched off on the benches at the edge of the room so there was no way Teddy could accidentally get hurt. They'd have to be extra careful around all the dangers of a real racing garage at a grand prix.

 

“Well we really need to get back to give this little guy his feed,” excused Mark.

He laughed as there was an actual disappointed little 'aw' from the crowd and Mark smiled to Seb who was taking Teddy out of the carrier to give him a cuddle after his strange little experience. Mark went to stand with him to be sure they were both fine then picked up the carrier.

“Great to see you guys,” he smiled.

The team all offered replies that they were more than happy to meet Teddy and extracted more promises that they would come to visit in the garage at races. Sebastian smiled, feeling a little relieved to have Teddy back safely in his arms even if he hadn't seemed in the least bothered by his adventure.

“You'll see lots of us I'm sure.”

“Yeah you'll be sick of us,” added Mark.

“Nah. Nice to have a distraction,” insisted Dave.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I'm not sure Helmut will feel the same way.”

There was a ripple of laughter amongst the group and Sebastian wondered what Dr. Marko really would make of them bringing Teddy along to races. He hadn't exactly sought out his opinion on the subject, but he had to have heard about their baby by now. Even Dietrich had rung and offered his congratulations as well as sending a card, but from the other of his bosses there had been nothing. Seb guessed he would only see it as another distraction from racing, but he decided not to care. Doubtless Helmut wouldn't fuss over their baby like the rest, but then Seb wasn't so sure he wanted him around Teddy anyway.

 

“Right mate, time to go,” announced Mark, more to Teddy than Seb. He looked out to the group still waiting on them. “Nice to see you guys.”

They received an array of thanks and goodbyes which they returned. Mark picked up the carrier and as they headed for the exit Seb said goodbye again and Mark grinned as he took Teddy's little hand where it rested into Sebastian's chest and gave them all a wave, both of them laughing as a bunch of burly mechanics gave baby waves back. They stepped out into the corridor and as the door shut behind them, Mark laughed again.

“My word kiddo, you're a hit,” he told Teddy.

Sebastian looked down to the baby.

“Do you think he had any idea what was happening?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Nah. Never mind though. He's done a fine job of wowing the team. Gonna have them all on side now eh?”

Seb nodded. Couldn't hurt to include the team. None of them had spilled their little secret so far and he had to trust they wouldn't now. It was his team, both his and Mark's, and they had to trust them.

“Home then?” checked Mark.

“Yep.”

“Great.”

  
  


They headed out, pausing to say goodbye to the girl on the desk who stood to wave to the baby once again. As they reached the car they fitted the baby-seat into position and carefully placed Teddy back in, making sure he was secure before closing the door and looking to each other.

“You wanna come with us and leave your car here?” asked Mark.

Sebastian pondered for a moment.

“No it's alright. I'll meet you at home.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

“Righto.”

Mark leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“That went pretty well didn't it?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. Thank you Liebling.”

“Hey this counts as a day out for me these days.”

Seb pouted at him.

“Poor Liebling. Are you feeling housebound?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“It's alright.”

“I do appreciate it,” assured Seb.

“I know you do. It's fine darling. A new challenge for me. We'll be busy enough soon won't we?”

“Yeah I guess. Right. Meet you back home. Love you.”

Mark smiled. Sebastian always said that when they parted, even when it was for the shortest of periods.

“Love you too sweetheart. See you in a bit. We'll have a nice quiet afternoon at home to recover from all this excitement.”

  
  


Sebastian nodded and dragged himself away to drive his car home, arriving a good five minutes ahead of Mark seeing as he went slower with the baby in the back. Letting himself in he found a note on the fridge from Pauline which he read whilst distractedly stroking the dogs fussing into his legs:

_Another big parcel arrived for you. I put it in the dining room. Love to you all. Pauline x_

Sebastian smiled and went through to the dining room where a huge box was sat by the table. He took out one of the steak knives from the drawers in there and slit open the top to take out the contents. It was a bit of a struggle, but as he set it to rights Sebastian smiled. It was the running buggy, complete with both pram bassinet and interchangeable buggy seat for when Teddy was older. It had in all honesty been pretty expensive seeing as Seb had spent quite a while looking for the best version available, but it did look good. Seb was just fitting the pram bit in place when he heard a car pulling up outside and moments later the door open. He went out to see Mark carrying Teddy indoors and rushed over to give him a kiss.

“Liebling come and look what's arrived.”

Mark smiled and let himself be led away before he'd had chance to take his shoes off. As he set Teddy down in his carrier on the dining table he looked over the new pram.

“Looks pretty flash,” Mark observed.

“Do you think it's okay?” checked Seb, busily pushing the pram part down to check the suspension.

“Yeah it's great.” Mark smiled over to Teddy. “Whatcha say kiddo? Want to try another racing vehicle out today?”

“Oh um, I'm not sure I'm really up for a run Liebling,” excused Seb. “I went pretty hard with Antti before.”

Mark shook his head.

“Just for him to lie in to test it darling.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“No problem. Right matey, let's see what you think.”

Mark unclipped Teddy from the carrier and lifted him over to place him in the pram. It was a bit more functional that their normal pram; no useful tray underneath, but it had a sturdy handle and all the mechanical parts underneath did look pretty nifty. Teddy lay there looking up at them and Mark put his arm around Seb.

“Yeah, he likes it.”

Sebastian reached in to stroke over their son's arm.

“Maybe try a run tomorrow?” he proposed.

“Sure. We should have taken it in for your guys to check over, make sure the set-up is optimum,” teased Mark.

Seb rolled his eyes and as Teddy began fussing he picked him up. Time for his bottle and return to family life forgetting work for a bit. He hoped their son gifted them with some sleep for a while this afternoon, half a day's work and Seb was knackered.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning they decided to follow through on their idea of trying out the running pram. As had become normal for them, it still took them until mid-morning to be ready to do anything and it took even longer to change into their running gear before wrapping up Teddy in his snow-suit and strapping him in before manoeuvring the pram out onto the drive. Pauline was at the house just finishing up her cleaning, so she came out to have a look.

“Very fancy.”

“It's so he doesn't get jostled or bounced about,” explained Seb.

Pauline nodded.

“Well he looks quite happy.”

Seb looked to Mark.

“You don't think the suspension will shake him too much do you Liebling?”

Mark shook his head.

“It's designed for babies darling. Super protective moulding mattress to support him properly, or whatever it said on the packaging.”

“Mm,” nodded Seb thinking of all the precautions he had taken with choosing all the extras so Teddy ought to be safe and comfortable.

“We'll just go slow to start with, see how we get on,” encouraged Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark gave him a smile as he fitted on his running beanie seeing as it was still cold in early February. Seb looked at the baby once more and fixed the cover in place over his little sleeping bag which they had taken from his normal pram. He knew he was fretting again. They just had to try it. He'd watch carefully and if Teddy appeared to be moving too much they'd just have to walk instead.

“Well have fun,” offered Pauline. “Would you like me to take the dogs out if you're running instead?”

“Oh, um.”

Mark rubbed at his jaw. Perhaps they could take them for a walk in the afternoon, but he didn't know how tired they would be after this and how Teddy would react. They could always go for an extra walk if they felt like it. The dogs weren't likely to object.

“Actually Pauline I think that might not be a bad idea,” he accepted.

“Only if you're free,” adjusted Seb.

“I'm pretty much done. I've stuck a wash on so it should be ready to take out when I get back.”

“Very kind of you.”

“No problem. Are you off then?”

“Guess so. Thanks.”

 

Pauline waved them off from the doorstep as they walked the pram down the drive, Seb and Mark waving back before turning along the pavement down the lane.

“Want me to go first or you?” offered Mark.

“Oh um, you I think, then I can see how he is,” decided Sebastian.

“Sure.”

They paused to adjust the handle for Mark, then started off on a slow jog, Mark on the pavement, Seb in the quiet lane running alongside, his eyes on the pram and Teddy inside, not the road. The pram did move a bit, but the pavement was reasonably smooth so Sebastian judged it safe enough.

“Does he look okay?” he checked.

Mark peered in.

“He looks like he's gonna fall asleep in a mo.”

He looked to Seb.

“He's fine darling. Steady as anything.”

“Okay.”

They picked up the pace a bit, only pausing when they reached junctions where they slowly lowered the pram down onto the road and crossed to reach the other side, all without disturbing a now sleeping Teddy.

“You know I think he finds the little vibrations relaxing, like in the car,” noted Mark.

“Yeah, guess so.”

“Wanna swap?”

Sebastian nodded and they stopped to sort themselves out before setting off again. It did feel odd to be hanging onto the handle whilst running, but the pram moved easily and it didn't feel like much added effort to push it seeing as it was far lighter than their normal pram. As there was no under-tray they had fitted the baby bag onto the handle and it swayed as they ran, but they had wound the strap around and though it moved it didn't bang into either the pram or whoever was pushing it, so that was okay. Even so they still weren't going at anything like their normal pace, jogging gently rather than including their harder runs as they usually would. By the time they reached the village Mark estimated it had taken them twice as long, but even a jog was a decent bit of exercise seeing as they'd done a good few miles.

  
  


“I guess if he's sleeping that means he's happy,” observed Sebastian.

Mark looked in and nodded.

“Yep, he's fine.”

They slowed as they approached the heart of the village near the shops where the roads were relatively busier and walked with the pram together along the wider pavement towards the coffee shop.

“Feels like ages since we've been here,” commented Seb.

“Cos it is. It was before Christmas.”

“Spose so.”

They reached the door, the glass in the little panels looking slightly steamed up where they met the cooler air outdoors. It was a dull grey day as you might expect in early February, but then their eyes had mostly been on Teddy, not the sky above and the jog had kept them warm. Sebastian reached in to touch the baby's cheek.

“He feels a bit cold Liebling.”

“Well we'll have a nice warm up inside. I'm sure they'll heat his bottle.”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and pushed the door open, holding it wide for Mark to manoeuvre the pram inside. Thankfully it was pretty quiet at this time; too early for lunch, too late for commuters and the mothers who came here after dropping children at school were long gone. Seb and Mark both paused once inside, pulling off their running hats and folding back the pram cover and blankets so Teddy didn't overheat. It took a moment for the proprietress to look up from where she was tidying behind the counter, but as the waitress prodded her arm, she gasped at the sight before them.

“Hi Jean, Kirsty,” greeted Seb.

“Long time no see,” Mark added with a grin.

The two women came over and the manager gaped at the baby in the pram before looking at them in astonishment.

“A baby?”

“Yep,” smiled Mark.

She shook her head.

“But? I... Yours?”

“Yep.”

“Is it a boy or girl?” asked Kirsty.

“Boy.”

“His name's Teddy,” stated Sebastian.

“He's cute,” smiled the girl.

Jean looked at him, then the baby, then back at Seb again.

“You've got a baby? When? Oh my goodness.”

Mark laughed and put his arm around Sebastian.

“Now this is top secret. We've not gone public with this yet.”

Jean tsk'd and shook her head.

“Now as if you need to ask that.”

“We know we can trust you,” assured Seb.

“Of course you can. Now then, you can't just turn up with a baby and not explain.”

Seb and Mark looked to one another, but if they were going to tell them then they should just tell them.

“We're adopting him. Still in process so that's why we can't really have everyone sticking their nose in yet,” Mark explained.

“We knew you'd be alright though,” stated Seb.

“You can trust us, can't they Kirsty?” asserted Jean with a very firm look at her young employee.

“Sure.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah thanks,” added Mark. “We knew we'd be alright here.”

“You are always welcome here. You know I thought we'd not seen you in a while. I wondered if you were visiting family.”

“Oh, no, busy with this little fella.”

“We got him at new year,” explained Seb. “A month already now. I can hardly believe where the time goes.”

“Oh he's lovely. So small,” cooed Jean as she peered in at him.

“Mm, bit early, but he's fine.”

“Ach, and you didn't give any hint. You do love pulling surprises.”

 

Sebastian was about to say they hadn't known themselves that they were about to get their little addition, when Teddy woke up and started wriggling, batting out with a hand before commencing crying. They unclipped him from the pram and lifted him out, Seb holding him as Mark without a thought about how it looked, sniffed at their son's behind to check it wasn't a nappy cry, but more likely one for food. Seb held Teddy against his chest jigging him ever so slightly to try to calm him.

“Oh dear,” sympathised the manager. “Poor little thing.”

“He'll be alright,” assured Mark as he rubbed over Teddy's back. “You couldn't warm a bottle for us could you?”

“Of course. Kirsty,” prompted Jean.

 

As the waitress did her bidding to sort out some hot water, Jean led them to a table and Mark parked up the pram.

“Good job there's room in here.”

“Oh we get lots of mums in,” she assured them.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Us too now.”

“Indeed. Oh dear he doesn't seem happy.”

Sebastian shifted Teddy into his arms and stroked away his tears.

“He'll be fine when he gets his milk.”

“Right. Do you want to pass the bottle over and I'll sort it out for you.”

Mark dug out the bottle of milk from the bag and she went back to the counter, looking back as she reached it.

“The usual too?”

“Oh thanks, yeah if you don't mind.”

Mark looked back to Teddy.

“Might be a bit warm in here sweetheart.”

“Oh, yeah we should take this off,” agreed Seb.

Sebastian stood and between them they managed to wrangle the baby's snow-suit off so he was in his babygros and could settle into his new environment.

  
  


A couple of minutes later Jean came back over with a tray with two coffees and a jug with the bottle warming in it.

“You might want to check it,” advised Jean.

Mark nodded as he plucked it out, not wanting to say they would do that anyway. He swirled it and waited a little longer as they made polite chit-chat, then fished the bottle out to test the temperature. As it seemed okay he gave Seb a nod and handed it over. Teddy was instantly silenced the moment he sucked on the bottle and Mark gave Jean a smile.

“See. Happy as Larry now aren't you mate?”

Teddy naturally ignored his father so Mark just shook his head.

“Sorry for disturbing you,” he apologised.

“Nonsense. Oh this is so exciting. I had no idea. And to think I remember when you first started coming in here.”

Sebastian looked up from checking that Teddy was feeding okay and smiled over. Nearly three years ago now they had first started doing their regular runs to here, before he and Mark were even together, though perhaps they really had been without realising themselves.

“What a sweet little outfit,” noted Jean looking at Teddy's babygro covered in tiny teddy-bear pictures.

“My sister got it for him,” Seb told her.

“Ah, that's nice.”

“Teddies for Teddy you see,” explained Mark.

“Oh of course,” laughed Jean.

“We may have cursed him. We're already getting inundated with teddy-related things for him.”

“Not cursed,” argued Seb.

Mark looked to him.

“No alright, sorry sweetheart, but you know the nursery's gonna be full of teddy-bear everything.”

Sebastian shrugged. He could think of worse things.

“Well I think it's lovely,” insisted Jean. “So just a month old?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Seb. “He was a bit premature so he's small, but he's growing all the time.”

“Of course he is dear. You look right at home with him. He's certainly happy now isn't he?”

“Ah always happy when he's got his grub,” smiled Mark.

“We tried our first run today,” related Seb. “We got this pram you see.”

“Very nice.”

“It's specially made for running, so we thought we'd give it a try and come here.”

“Well I'm very glad you did. We're always pleased to see you.”

“Need to get back up with our runs,” Mark noted.

“Good to hear. Right, well I should leave you to it. Anything you want, just ask.”

“Oh Jean, do you have changing table?” enquired Seb. “I've never thought to notice in the past.”

“Yes dear, in the disabled toilet. It just folds down. Do you need to change him?”

“Ha, he'd be telling us about it if he needed changing,” smiled Mark.

“Oh I see. Yes.”

“It was just for reference,” clarified Seb. “Thank you.”

“As I say we have lots of mums in here, and dads I suppose, but it's mostly mums with the little ones.”

Mark nodded. They bucked the trend as usual.

“Well it seems were all set here then,” he offered.

“Anything you need you only have to ask.”

“Thank you.”

  
  


She nodded and finally dragged herself away to let them have their drinks. Mark drank his coffee as Seb forgot about his while he fed the baby.

“You want to swap?” asked Mark.

“Hmm?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Your drink will be going cold. Pass him over a bit.”

 

Mark stood and took Teddy, sitting back down with him and settling the baby back to finish his bottle. He laughed to himself then looked to Seb.

“Maybe we should join the yummy-mummy brigade when they take over in here?”

Sebastian scrunched his face.

“I think they'd just stare at us.”

“Mm, I was mostly joking.”

“Oh. Though we should look up baby groups and stuff. It's good for their socialisation skills.”

Mark nodded.

“In a few months maybe,” he agreed.

“Yeah.”

“I bet Pauline knows what goes on in the village and who to ask.”

“I'm sure. Do you think it'd be alright if we both went? I'd feel a bit scared on my own,” Seb admitted.

“Scared?”

“Well, nervous.”

“Of a bunch of mums?”

“Yeah. They're really intimidating.”

Mark laughed and shook his head, but Seb pouted.

“En masse Liebling. I bet you'd feel weird walking in there.”

Mark looked at the baby.

“I guess. Anyway we can both go. You never know, there might be a few dads who go along too.”

Seb raised an eyebrow.

“I bet you a tenner we'll be the only males over two years old there.”

“Well we'll just stick together darling. I bet they'll take to you right away.”

“Me?”

“Yeah women love you.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Liebling I don't think you notice the way women look at you.”

“They don't.”

Seb laughed some more.

“Oh they do. You just don't look back.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“I only have eyes for you darling.”

Sebastian smiled, rather more pleased to hear that than he cared to admit.

“Me too Liebling.”

“Good. As it should be. And this little guy too, obviously.”

“Obviously. Okay well we'll ask Pauline, just to find out.”

“Sure. To be honest sweetheart just getting out for coffee feels like a big achievement. Think I need a few months to step up to going to music and movement classes or whatever it is they do around here.”

“Yeah okay.”

“It's a good idea though. All kinds we need to start sorting out now.”

Sebastian nodded. Their little boy going out into the wider world. He still seemed so tiny, but as he watched Mark place the bottle down and pick Teddy up to wind him against his chest Seb could see how much bigger their son was compared to how he had been when he first came to them. One month old and their precious little boy was safe and healthy and growing every day.

He hadn't got sick, he hadn't been hurt. They might be knackered from getting up every time he cried in the night and now spent their lives feeding, changing, cleaning and holding him, but they hadn't made any terrible mistakes in caring for Teddy other than occasionally getting in the way of something emanating from either end of him and both their sisters and mothers assured them that was unavoidable at some point.

The papers hadn't found out and no biological father had emerged to stake a claim. It was almost a miracle. Less than two weeks until they could start applying formally to adopt him now. Seb was counting the days and though they avoided talking about it too much, he knew Mark was too. Twelve days precisely and they were going to ask Rachel to come with her forms as early as she could on the Monday morning. They couldn't sign them fast enough.

  
  


 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year to you all. I hope it brings good things to you!


	202. Vistors - part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time marches on, in RL as well as this story. It seems like New Year is already an age ago and that's doubly true for Seb and Mark.

 

* * *

 

  
  


A couple of days later yet another parcel arrived, delivered by their over-worked postman. Seb brought it through to the kitchen where Mark was just finishing winding Teddy after his mid-morning feed. Seb placed the brown package on the kitchen table trying to remember what else they had ordered online, then set about opening it. Mark peered over from where he sat with the dogs piled at his feet.

“What is it?”

Sebastian smiled as he pulled out from the box a card bearing the inscription 'From all the boys' with a neat little spanner drawn beside it. There was something smallish but bulky wrapped in bubble-wrap so he unwrapped it then laughed at what he found.

“Oh Liebling, look.”

Mark chuckled.

“Very cute.”

It was a wooden toy racing car in the style of a 1950's F1 car complete with a tiny wooden driver wearing goggles.

“It's you,” decided Mark.

“I wonder where they got this?”

Mark shrugged the shoulder Teddy wasn't leaning into.

“Dunno. Nice though.”

“Yeah. It can go in the nursery on one of the shelves.”

“You don't want to play with it?”

Sebastian gave him a look.

“I'm pretty sure it's meant for Teddy.”

“Bit small for that yet.”

“Mm, anyway, what else is in here?”

Sebastian pulled out something wrapped in tissue paper and unfolded it. Mark huffed a laugh.

“Ah well they did say.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave a shake of his head. So much for not trying to pushing racing onto their son. It was a little RedBull babygro, designed to look like a racing suit.

“Be just like Papa now, won't you mate?” Mark told Teddy who affected no interest in his latest gifts.

“I guess it is nice,” Seb allowed.

Sebastian paused and Mark reached over a spare hand to rub over his.

“Sweetheart he's no idea what he's wearing. It's just a bit of fun.”

“Yeah.” Seb picked himself up. “Yeah it is nice. Very kind of them.”

He looked at the label inside.

“He won't be wearing it just yet anyway.”

“Hmm?” frowned Mark.

“Three to six months.”

Sebastian reached over and laid the babygro against their son's body to show how big it was. Teddy's little legs would barely pass half-way down to the feet of the suit if they put him in it now.

“Ah.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Ha, oh well. In time for races maybe.”

“Yeah. We'll have to put it on him for visits to the garage.”

“Sure. What's in the card then? Have they signed it?”

“Oh.”

 

Seb slit the envelope and pulled it out, smiling again to see all the signatures crammed inside. He held it to show Mark who smiled as well. Written in it was the greeting; 'Teddy Vettel-Webber, welcome to the team.'

“That is nice of them,” smiled Seb as he looked at all the names and little best wishes scribbled inside.

He set the card on the table with the presents and stared at the picture on the front showing yet another racing car, this time a push-along one with a toddler sat in. It was going to be so hard to prevent racing entirely surrounding their son. They were just going to have to be careful they didn't encourage it too much.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yep. Good. We've got so many cards and gifts now. I can't believe it.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“People are excited for us darling. It's nice.”

“Yeah it is.”

“I think we'll have to expand the display off the mantelpiece onto the shelves in the lounge though.”

“Mm.” Sebastian took in a deep breath. “Right Liebling, is he done?”

Mark angled his head to look at Teddy then nodded and shifted him to hold so he could see both of them.

“I was thinking we could have a swim?” proposed Sebastian.

“Sure. Maybe leave him to settle a bit yet though.”

“Okay.”

“Tell you what darling why don't you go ahead and get some laps in, then me and this little guy can join you for a play at the end?”

Sebastian paused. He wasn't keen on going off to train on his own, but whenever Teddy was there Seb knew he was easily distracted and he really did need to pick up his fitness levels with testing approaching. He was going into the gym with Antti more frequently, fitting it in with more prep work for testing at the factory pretty much every other day now, but Seb knew he needed to do more.

“As long as you're okay with him?”

“We're good aren't we kiddo?”

Mark smiled down at Teddy who did little more than dribble a bit down his chin in response, so Mark retrieved the cloth still on his shoulder to mop it up.

“You get on darling and we'll catch up.”

“Okay then, thanks Liebling.”

 

Sebastian stood and leaned in to give both husband and baby a kiss on the cheek before giving the dogs a rub too. He collected up the items on the table and took them with him to prop the card on display in the lounge, then took the rest upstairs. As he entered the nursery Seb found a spot on the shelves to place the little toy car. It did look cute. There were quite a few toys there now, mostly gifts. Teddy was too young to appreciate them, but it was nice to have them making the room look jollier. Seb looked at the racing-suit babygro folded over his arm and went to put it in a lower drawer seeing as they wouldn't be using it for a while.

There really was going to be no way they could avoid racing things being around their son. All they could do was keep it fun and light and make sure Teddy had lots of other things in his life too. Seb thought of the ride-along car on the card. Definitely nothing like that. He'd have to make sure nobody thought that a good idea for Christmas, especially his dad who Sebastian knew would be keen. He took a deep breath and pushed all that to one side. Time to get his head down and do some laps, clear his head, then have a nice bit of family fun to round it off.

  
  


 

 

  
  


A few days later Rachel came on a visit to check in on them and also to look over the planned statement from Porsche and RedBull (though in truth RedBull's statement was little more than a deliberately vague congratulations). She sat with Seb and Mark at the kitchen table going through it all with Britta who had come to the house to make things easier for them and to get a feeling for what was important in terms of what she could and couldn't say when dealing with the media.

“Basically as little as possible,” stated Rachel. “Ideally nothing at all.”

“I don't want to be saying anything to them anyway,” stated Sebastian. “Britta knows I won't talk about it.”

“Mm, which is fine,” Britta agreed, “but I will need to speak to the media to make things clear to them and in order to do that I will need to at least say something or there will simply be a whole load of speculation which I would have thought was worse.”

Rachel nodded.

“Okay. So Seb tells me you plan to speak to the editors?”

“Yes, as many as possible, though of course there are countless outlets online I can't do much about.”

“No, fair enough.”

“I shall make it clear that Seb and of course Mark will not discuss the matter because they cannot, given the circumstances.”

“Right. Okay, but you want to say they are adopting.”

Britta took a sip of her coffee.

“I do think it best to be straight with them. We don't have to give any details, but if they at least know that it is a legal restriction then it ought to mean they don't push for more. Hopefully anyway.”

 

She glanced to Seb who knew that the media could be tenacious if they thought they had a good story. He held Teddy close and thought how terrible it would feel if reporters tried to push in or the paparazzi flash cameras in their little boy's face. Mark could read his tension and pulled his chair closer to fit his arm around him.

“Britta's going to talk to all the paddock press at testing too aren't you?” he added in.

Britta nodded.

“Yep. It's a good time. They're eager for a new season, but they shouldn't be too swept up in it yet to get carried away. I'll have a very firm word with them all about keeping it business not personal. I shall be clear about the consequences if they don't.”

Sebastian gave her a little smile.

“Thank you.”

“My job.”

“Not really. Not this.”

“Yes this. Anything that affects you Seb and by extension your family. I'll lay down a very hard line. Once they know the score it'll just be a matter of sticking to it. They'll soon drop the questions if they get no answer.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah okay.”

Britta looked back to Rachel.

“When the initial news goes out there is bound to be a flurry of interest in the tabloids, but unless we feed them any more information that should be it; a one or two day story, then they'll lose interest.”

“Not front page stuff though right?” tried Mark.

“I shouldn't think so. Obviously I don't make those decisions, but a word or two in the sports sections, perhaps a brief article in the main section. The legal orders are going in place to prevent any specific details being included or any pictures being published.”

“In time for this?” Rachel checked.

“Yes. I called in on the legal team this morning. It's all in place.”

“Okay then.”

Rachel puffed a breath. This really wasn't normally something she had to consider.

“As long as no details about Theo are included then we should be fine.”

“I really think most will be compliant,” assured Britta. “Seb and Mark may be considered public figures, but a child is different and I think if I explain about the adoption most should understand why we cannot go into that.”

 

Sebastian looked down at his son. It was almost strange to hear his proper name mentioned when they had got so used to calling him Teddy, but his official name would be on all the documents they hoped to soon sign. He wasn't giving the press any of that.

“Okay,” agreed Rachel. “Obviously it's not ideal, but I appreciate this is an unusual situation.”

Mark gave Seb's arm a little rub.

“Alright sweetheart?”

Seb nodded.

“I'll just be glad when it's done. I hate thinking about Teddy being in the papers.”

“He won't be in the papers. It'll just say 'child', nothing more.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian huffed a sighed breath. He didn't want _anything_ in there, but they would just have to manage it as best they could.

“We'll handle it,” Britta assured him.

Sebastian nodded again.

“Thank you. And Rachel thank you too. We know this isn't ideal, but we'll do all we can to protect Teddy.”

Rachel gave him a smile.

“I know you will. Hopefully it will just be a flash in the pan and then you can move on. The main thing is still of course getting to the thirteenth so we can get going with the next stage of all this.”

“Course it is,” agreed Mark. “Much more important than a bit of fuss in the papers. They'll quickly tire of it with nothing to go on.”

“Let's hope so,” Rachel concurred. “Well. It seems all in hand. Britta thank you for all your work on this.”

Britta shook her head.

“Not at all. Keeps things interesting.”

 

Mark huffed a dry laugh. Most PR work in F1 ended up being about trying to find ways to make discussing tyre compounds sound fascinating week in week out, Britta's task was usually rather more complex, but she never let them down.

Rachel looked at Seb and Mark with the baby.

“While I'm here is there anything else you wanted to discuss?” she checked.

Sebastian and Mark looked to one another. A moment later Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Nope I think just getting this sorted and most importantly getting to sign the paperwork for Teddy as soon as possible really.”

Rachel nodded. She hadn't expected any other answer.

“You know the midwife signed us off?” checked Seb. ”Just the health visitor and the GP's in the village for his checks and things now.”

“Yes. All good. He seems very happy.”

Mark chuckled.

“That's cos we fed him just before you came over.”

Rachel smiled.

“Well anyway it's nice to see. Okay well if you've no concerns or questions I need to be getting on. You can always call me. If we don't speak before I will see you a week today, bright and early.”

“Thanks.”

She turned to Britta.

“Seb has my number if you need to ask me anything.”

“Thank you. I think we're fine. Just need to wait until we can say the adoption is in process now don't we?”

“Indeed. Well I'll be getting on.” Rachel looked at the couple sat opposite her. “I'll let myself out.”

“No it's okay.”

Mark sprung up and went to show her out before returning to the kitchen.

  
  


“All set then,” he noted.

Sebastian nodded. He wished they could fast-forward a week to get to next Monday when they would, fingers crossed, be signing the forms to begin applying for adoption. No, actually two weeks time would be better, then it would all be done, papers filed, statements put out and media reaction braved and with any luck, survived. Until they were there, he would be worrying about all the possible things that could go wrong.

“I should go too,” decided Britta getting up from her chair. “Thanks for the coffee.”

Mark wheeled around to let another visitor out before finally coming back to sit back down with Seb. He put his arm around him again, observing how quiet he was.

“Sweetheart there's no point worrying about it.”

Seb looked to him and nodded.

“I know.”

Mark gave him a soft smile.

“But you will anyway.”

“Yeah.”

They looked at one another and Mark raised his other hand to stroke over Seb's cheek.

“We'll be alright. Paperwork'll go through and we'll be a step closer to Teddy being officially ours. The other kind of papers are just chip wrappings. They'll print their tittle-tattle and move on to something more salacious the next day.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“Yeah okay. We're not that exciting are we Liebling?”

“Nope. Very dull. With any luck a politician will get caught having an affair or there'll be a royal scandal or something and we'll be totally ignored.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Fingers crossed.”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek then looked down at the baby pressed into Seb.

“Right. Now this little one is looking pretty dozy to me. What say you have a nap matey and Papa and I can catch some shut-eye for a good, ooh half hour?”

“Now that sounds like a plan,” agreed Sebastian.

“C'mere then.”

Mark took the baby and stood, Seb shaking out his arms as he joined him. Time to make the most of being boring and get a nice dull, uninteresting nap while they could.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


With only a week to go until they planned to make their little secret rather less secret Mark and Sebastian realised that they finally had to pull their finger out and brave telling a few more of their friends, swearing them to keep it to themselves for now. Mark having made the latest effort on that front came through from the kitchen to join Seb and Teddy in the lounge.

“So how was he then?” asked Seb.

“Good.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Actually kind of stunned would be more accurate, but once he got over that he said congrats.”

“Great.”

“To both of us.”

Sebastian smiled. It was still a little strange between him and Fernando, but he was never less than decent to him and he was Mark's friend.

“That's nice. Well...”

“You wanna swap? Try Lewis then we can tick another couple off our list.”

Sebastian grinned.

“Lewis and Nando are a couple?”

Mark rolled his eyes and gave his arm a gentle nudge where Seb wasn't holding Teddy.

“Behave you. Now go on. Call LewLew and we're nearly done.”

“LewLew?”

“Hey you call Fernando Nando,” argued Mark.

Seb smiled and shook his head.

“I don't think anybody calls Lewis LewLew.”

“They should,” teased Mark. “Right, go on. Then we can take the dogs for a walk before it gets dark.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian passed over Teddy, circumnavigated the dogs asleep on the floor by their feet and dug his phone out from his pocket to make what he suspected would be a long-distance call.

  
  


Five minutes later he came back onto the lounge, an amused smile on his lips. Mark looked up from bobbing the toy dinosaur in front of Teddy to Seb as he came over to them.

“Good call?”

Sebastian sat down.

“I think he spent the first couple of minutes asking me to repeat what I'd just said cos he couldn't believe it.”

“Ah.”

“Then I spent the next few minutes paranoidedly making him promise on his life not to spill about it.”

“I'm sure he won't.”

“He promised on his dogs' lives not to.”

“Ah well Lewis loves his dogs,” smiled Mark.

“Mm. Anyway it's fine. Also he said to say congratulations from him.”

“Good stuff.”

“Oh and he asked if he could come over.”

“Really?”

“He's in the Mercedes base on Friday for some prep work.”

“Oh I see.”

“Just for a coffee in the afternoon,” Seb explained. “I said I'd check with you first to see if we're free.”

Mark chuckled.

“What with my hectic schedule?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Well I didn't want to say yes without running it by you. What d'you think Liebling?”

“Um, sure, I guess. Just stopping by then?”

“Yeah. He said he's only over here for the day but he could make a detour. I think it's only like forty minutes away.”

“I suppose he's got his plane,” noted Mark.

“I don't think he was going to fly from Brackley to here.”

“He does enjoy jet-setting,” grinned Mark.

Seb rolled his eyes.

“No to bob back to Monaco or wherever it is he's off next.”

“Yeah. I'm sure.”

“So you think it's okay?” Seb checked.

“Yeah it's fine. I suppose he's curious.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I kind of get the impression he wants to see with his own eyes.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Still not believing you?”

“Ah I'm sure he does. Just...”

“He wants to meet this little guy. I'm sure everyone will,” agreed Mark. “It's fine. We can squeeze in a stop-off on Friday. Your sister's not getting here until the next morning. I reckon a coffee won't be too much for us to cope with.”

“Great. Okay I'll just drop him a text.”

 

Sebastian pulled his phone back out and sent a message, receiving one in reply almost immediately.

“He's keen,” noted Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Ah well he likes kids doesn't he?”

“Mm. I think we'll have to make some excuse about not taking photos,” considered Seb.

“Really? You think he'd stick it on Instagram?”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“Not really. Just... I dunno.”

“You'd fret?”

“A bit.”

Mark nodded.

“It's fine. We'll just say we can't take any pics cos of the adoption agency.”

Sebastian scrunched his face.

“Am I being weird about it?”

“Nah. We're just removing temptation. No worries.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian settled in next to him, his phone away now. He picked up the toy dinosaur and danced it in front of Teddy trying to get him to smile even though Mark usually said it was wind when he did that.

“I did tell him how cute he is.”

Mark laughed and leaned into him. Seb couldn't help boasting about their son. He'd just have to avoid that temptation when it came to the media.

  
  


  
  


 

 

On the Friday morning Mark spent some time on the phone to Porsche's PR department, going over with them again to be sure that they waited until he contacted them the following week to be sure it was okay to release the statement about him taking leave. He could tell now that the decisions were all made and the plans in place they were chomping at the bit to get going, but Mark didn't want to tell them they were fine for say Tuesday and then find there was an issue with Rachel. He knew Seb was getting more nervous the closer they got to the date they could sign the forms and begin formally applying to adopt Teddy. Their son. Because he _was_ their son and had been since they day they went to the hospital and met him for the first time five and a half weeks ago.

It was probably a good thing that they had some visitors due to distract them from thinking too much about it. At three o'clock they got up from their family post-lunch nap and had a little spruce around the house as they waited for Lewis to turn up. Seeing as he had been at the Mercedes base in Brackley for work he couldn't give them an exact time, so they found themselves pootling about, taking turns to wash up and hold Teddy before taking him through to the lounge and lay him on a large cushion on the floor, both his parents smiling down at him as they entertained the baby with some of the toys they had been given as gifts. Mark was just dancing a teddy bear his sister had sent up Teddy's little belly to gently bop him on the nose when they heard the door. Seb jumped up to get it as Mark waggled the toy once more, almost certain that Teddy really did look as though he was smiling now when then did something silly to amuse him.

“Right then little man, someone else who's dying to meet you,” declared Mark, scooping Teddy up and holding him against his chest before finding a way to grab the toy as well before going over to sit on the sofa.

 

At the front door Sebastian was busy greeting his friend and taking his coat as he came in. Lewis grinned and from behind his back he produced a large teddy bear, like a magician pulling off a trick. Sebastian laughed and accepted it as it was handed over.

“Oh my goodness.”

“It's for the baby.”

“Yes, well I didn't think it was for me,” smiled Seb. “Very kind of you, thank you. So you found us okay again?”

Lewis smiled as Seb shut the door behind him.

“Well I presumed you'd not moved since the summer.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I meant. I dunno, it's been a while.”

“Yeah course. No it was fine. Just took a bit longer in meetings in work. I hope you've not been waiting on me.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“We're not exactly going out much at the moment.”

“Guess not. Do I get to meet your little'un then?”

Sebastian had to smile at the how keen Lewis seemed, but he paused before leading him through to the lounge.

“Um, so you know how I said this has to stay private for now,” he reminded Lewis.

“Sure.”

“Just it's really important. We're still waiting until next week when we can start the application to adopt and until then we really can't afford for people to know.”

“People?”

“Outsiders. Well, the press really.”

“Right. It's fine. Don't worry about it. I just wanted to say hello.”

“Course, no that's great. It's nice of you to come, just.”

“Strictly no spilling?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I know I sound paranoid.”

Lewis smiled. Seb had made this point about twenty or thirty times on the phone already.

“I get it man. I won't even tell my own mother. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you. It's just... if anything went wrong with this, I just...”

Sebastian stopped, a horrible clutching sensation back in his chest. Nothing could go wrong. Nothing. If it did he didn't know what they would do. Lewis saw the look in his eyes and sighed.

“Seb. Seriously man, hand on heart. I wouldn't screw this up for you. I won't say a word.”

“Thanks. Right, okay.” Seb took a deep breath and pushed his fears aside. “So you want to meet him?”

“That would be great,” replied Lewis, deciding it was best not to say it was why he had come.

 

 

Sebastian showed him through into the lounge. Lewis stopped a few feet into the room and shook his head, the biggest smile on his face.

“Wow man. Jeez what a sight!”

He laughed and shook his head again as Mark gave him a smile from the sofa. While Seb shut the door behind them Lewis came closer and leaned in to look at the baby in Mark's arms.

“Wow,” he repeated.

Mark flicked his eyebrows and tipped the baby a little higher.

“Lewis. Nice to see you.”

“Yeah. You too. Wow.”

Sebastian came and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Believe me now?”

Lewis dragged his eyes away to look at Seb.

“Hey I believed you. I just... wow.”

Mark chuckled at how Lewis kept repeating himself and shrugged at Sebastian.

“Yep. We've really got a baby. His name's Teddy.”

“Speaking of which,” smiled Mark looking at what was in Sebastian's hand.

“Oh yeah, look what Lewis brought.”

“Very nice, thanks.” Mark huffed a laugh as Seb showed it to both him and the baby. “Ha, it's twice the size of our Teddy.”

Lewis shrugged happily and Mark reflected that they ought not to be surprised that he didn't do anything by halves. He wasn't sure their son would be playing with it any time soon but they could add it to the growing collection in the nursery. Seb went to put it with the selection of other toys as he tidied up what had been left on the lounge floor.

 

“Do you want a coffee or something?” Seb asked Lewis as he stood up again.

“Oh no I'm good. Been drinking coffee all day in work.”

“You want to sit down?” Mark prompted.

“Right, yeah.”

Sebastian went to sit next to Mark on the sofa, expecting Lewis to sit on the other one, but instead he came to perch on the coffee table in front of them. Still peering in at the baby.

“He's really cute,” praised Lewis.

“Thanks,” smiled Mark.

 

Seb looked at Teddy who was having a little wriggle in Mark's arms. He reached in to take his hand, wondering if their little boy was confused at yet another new face in his life or if he really took any of it in yet. Seb considered suggesting that their guest take a proper seat, but Lewis seemed more than happy where he was so he left it.

“Thanks for the card by the way,” offered Seb.

“Oh sure.”

Lewis glanced over at the array of congratulation cards on display.

“I can't believe you were keeping this all a secret,” commented Lewis.

“We really couldn't tell people,” defended Seb. “The whole process. It's so complicated.”

“It's pretty sensitive stuff mate,” Mark added. “We just can't afford for it to get out yet.”

“Right,” nodded Lewis. “I didn't even know you were thinking about it though.”

“Mm well.”

“I'm sorry I never said. It's just...” Seb sighed as he glanced at the baby, then back to Lewis. “Everything hangs on us being approved. Getting approved to get into the process, getting approval to adopt, getting to have him and to apply for proper adoption now.”

Lewis nodded, a more serious expression on his face.

“Sure. So that's soon?”

“Next week.”

“Ah. Well you can trust me.”

“We know we can mate,” assured Mark.

Lewis huffed a laugh.

“Guess I wouldn't be here otherwise would I?”

 

The couple opposite him exchanged a glance and Lewis smiled.

“I can keep secrets you know.”

Mark nodded.

“I've no doubt you keep plenty for the team.”

“Ah now that's true,” agreed Lewis. “Though none of them are as exciting as this little one. What are you going to do? Just turn up at testing and surprise everyone?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I think it'll only be me at testing.”

“Ah no, really?”

“Teddy's still so small.”

“I guess.” Lewis sighed. “And there was me hoping for a nice little distraction.”

“Very little,” noted Seb.

“We should be there in Melbourne,” offered Mark.

“Ah okay,” nodded Lewis. “Well, I guess people will find out then.”

“Actually once we're hopefully all sorted with the adoption application we should be sort of putting something out next week,” Mark explained. “But like we said, it's majorly complicated still. Just Porsche putting out a statement about me taking a year out and who is going in place for the team this season, no details about Teddy as such. We have to be really careful about in case it jeopardises our application.”

 

Lewis nodded understanding, then frowned as he caught up properly with what Mark had told him.

“Hang on, wait. You're taking a year out?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah. Paternity leave.” He looked to Seb. “Didn't you say?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I thought I did, but guess not. I was kindof focussed on Teddy.”

“Wow again.” Lewis shook his head. “That is... I mean it's great, but I'd never have guessed.”

“What did you think we'd do?” wondered Mark.

“I don't know. Guess I hadn't thought it through. I suppose it would be a bit crazy rushing around for both of you.”

“That's what we thought.”

“Mark's going to be travelling with me as much as possible,” explained Seb.

“And this little guy,” Mark added.

“Of course. Great. So I'll see lots of you then.”

Lewis leaned in a bit and reached to gently stroke over the baby's cheek.

“He's beautiful.” Lewis took in a deep breath as he sat back and looked at them. “Really. I'm so pleased for you. You look right at home.”

Mark looked down at the baby now making little gurgly noises. He smiled down at him before looking back to Lewis.

“Thanks. Yeah it's a bit of gear change, but we couldn't be happier.”

“I can tell. Ha, you do look knackered though.”

“Cheers.”

“Guess it comes with the territory,” Lewis noted.

“Yeah. Can't complain at the moment. He's on his best behaviour now.”

 

The baby murmured and flailed his arms about and Lewis leaned forwards again to look at him.

“You want a hold?” offered Mark.

Lewis sat up.

“Really?”

Mark sent a glance to Seb to be certain he approved.

“Sure.”

“Why don't you sit here?” suggested Sebastian already getting up.

Lewis didn't need asking twice. He bounced up off the coffee table and took Sebastian's place next to Mark, eagerly waiting to be passed the baby.

“You need to make sure you support his neck and head,” instructed Seb.

Lewis looked up at him.

“Hey I know that stuff. I'm an uncle you know? I'm an awesome babysitter.”

Mark carefully passed Teddy over, he and Seb unable to prevent themselves from watching to be sure he did it correctly despite his assurances. Lewis smiled down at Teddy, then pulled a face at the baby, then smiled again to entertain him.

“Hey bud. Aren't you a cutie?”

The baby's eyes fixed on the gold crucifix Lewis wore around his neck as it reflected the light and he reached up a hand to try to grab it where it dangled down, thankfully just too short for Teddy to try throttling their guest.

Lewis huffed a laugh as the baby looked up at him.

“Blue eyes.” Lewis looked to Seb who had gone to sit on the arm of the sofa by Mark. “You sure you're not keeping another little secret?”

Sebastian frowned.

“Huh?”

“He's not yours is he Seb?”

Sebastian opened his mouth in surprise, but Lewis just laughed.

“I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Coincidence though.”

Mark fitted an arm around Seb.

“He _is_ ours. Both of ours.”

“Sure.”

Seb frowned.

“You don't really think he looks that much like me do you?”

“Nah, not really. You've got a much bigger nose.”

Sebastian managed a little huffed laugh, but he couldn't help wondering if others were going to say that Teddy might be his child. Blue eyes. Not the same shade though. He really wasn't that alike, surely?

“I'm only kidding, sorry,” apologised Lewis.

“We wouldn't have cared what colour eyes he had, or any of that,” asserted Mark.

“We just wanted a baby,” Seb admitted. “That's all that mattered.”

Lewis nodded.

“That's great then. So you got him at New Year?”

“A few days after.”

“Right. Nice though.”

“Amazing.”

They all looked at the baby for a moment.

“He was much smaller then believe it or not,” commented Mark.

“He's nearly six weeks old now,” Seb reminded him.

“Of course,” nodded Lewis. “Gosh though, he still seems pretty tiny.”

“He was born early, so he's a bit smaller.”

“Oh I see.”

“He's okay though. It was just a few weeks.”

Lewis nodded.

“He looks good, healthy I mean. I guess I don't know a whole load about it, but he looks good to me.”

“He is good. He's doing great,” assured Mark. “Isn't he sweetheart?”

Seb nodded.

“We got signed off by the midwife only recently. It seemed to take forever to get to his due date, but now he's past that it feels like he's... I don't know, more like a normal baby.”

“He is normal,” adjusted Mark.

“No I don't mean that. I mean, like, I don't know, like a proper start. He just feels a bit more robust. He felt so delicate at first. I was so scared I'd do something wrong.”

Mark rubbed over Seb's arm.

“He's doing great darling.”

“Yeah.”

“Well he looks good to me,” Lewis reaffirmed. “So. I guess this is what you've been doing all winter.”

“Almost all we've been doing,” agreed Mark. “It's non-stop. Honestly mate, if you think an F1 weekend is hard work, you should try this.”

“Maybe I will one day.”

Mark and Seb glanced at one another again. Both thinking that Lewis really did look pretty happy to be holding a baby.

“We'll be needing a kindergarten in the paddock at this rate,” noted Lewis.

“That's true,” concurred Mark, “and that's just for some of the drivers these days.”

 

All three of them laughed at that, but unfortunately it disturbed the baby and he started fussing.

“Oh hey now, I'm sorry little one,” apologised Lewis as the baby began to cry.

Sebastian jumped up to take Teddy back, standing for a moment to rub over his back as he held him against his chest.

“Oh no, sit here,” offered Lewis standing up himself.

Sebastian glanced at him.

“It's okay.”

“Sorry.”

Mark stood with them.

“Don't worry about it mate. Just how it goes. He's fine, aren't you kiddo? You're fine now with Papa.”

A little smile crossed Lewis's lips at hearing Seb called that, but Seb himself was too busy calming Teddy down to notice. The baby quieted after a moment, but he still didn't seem entirely happy.

“It's not far off his bottle,” noted Mark. “Guess he wants it already.”

Sebastian looked at the way Teddy was snuffling into him and nodded.

“'kay. Yeah, think he might be hungry.”

The baby snuffled into his shoulder again and Sebastian angled his head to look at his face.

“You're alright aren't you Liebling? Yeah,” he soothed.

 

Seb took in a deep breath and went to sit back down on the sofa, keeping Teddy held against him. Lewis sat as well and looked at them.

“Sorry man. I didn't mean to disturb him.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's fine. He can just be sensitive sometimes. Usually if he's starting to feel a bit hungry or he wants attention. Or, well pretty much any reason. Especially if it's the middle of the night.”

Seb looked at the baby now rubbing his cheek into his shoulder and gave him a little kiss.

“He just wants a cuddle sometimes I think. He likes being close. Sometimes when he cries in the night we're half-asleep and we're trying to work out if he's hungry or he needs his nappy changing and it turns out all he wants is to snuggle up and be held with us in bed until he drops off again.”

Lewis looked at him, rather thrown by the visual. It was sweet though. They seemed so caught up with it all. Seb and Mark, parents to a tiny baby. His head was still saying 'wow' pretty much on repeat. This continued as he gave up his seat for Mark when he returned with the bottle and finally took a place on the other sofa as they fed the baby. Lewis watched as Sebastian held Teddy and Mark beside him leaned in just giving Teddy's arm a stroke before eventually taking him to wind the baby. Lewis wondered why it almost surprised him more to see Mark in this role than Seb. Even if the baby was still small, they seemed quite into the swing of things. They seemed to forget about their visitor for a while until Mark finished winding Teddy and held him back down in his arms again, thinking he might drop off to sleep.

  
  


“You're good at it,” observed Lewis.

“Hm?” frowned Mark.

“You know, all that.”

“What, being a dad?”

“Yeah.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well I am one, so that's good.”

“He's great,” insisted Seb. “You've got an amazing daddy, don't you Schatz?”

He stroked Teddy's cheek as they watched the baby's eyelids begin to droop and flutter shut. They baby moving his face about as he yawned causing Lewis to 'aw' again at how cute he was.

“Ah he's off,” smiled Mark as he felt his son's body relax into sleep in his arms. He looked over to Lewis. “Never happier than with a full tum.”

The baby let out a tiny contented noise and his parents looked down at him as Teddy fell asleep.

“He did have a busy morning,” noted Seb. He looked over to Lewis. “We went for a run and then a swim and a walk with the dogs all before lunch.”

“Blimey.”

“We thought we'd wear him out a bit,” added Mark.

“You take running and swimming?”

Mark chuckled lightly.

“Well he doesn't do much of it mate.”

“We have a special running buggy,” explained Sebastian. “And he quite likes being in the water now.”

“I guess you've got to keep training and that Seb.”

“Mm, well I'm trying. I've been scheduling more time with Antti at the gym in work to make sure I'm ready for testing, but we try to do it at home as well, though it's too easy to get distracted,” Seb confessed.

“Ah. Guess so.”

“I'm still trying to get my head around the fact it's coming up now. We've been mostly in our bubble since Teddy came to us. I'd be quite happy if the season didn't start until May or something.”

Lewis laughed.

“You could just leave off and join us for the European grand prix.”

“Actually that'd be perfect, but, well, not how it works.”

“No.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“You won't go mentioning that to Merc will you?”

“Hm?” frowned Lewis. “No. Course not. Besides I'd have to say why wouldn't I? So I won't.”

“Thanks. Sorry, I've got so paranoid lately.”

“Nah s'alright.”

  
  


They spent a while chatting as the baby slept, Lewis telling them what he had been up to over the winter break, toning his voice down so as not to disturb little Teddy held by his parents, Seb passing him over to Mark when his arms tired. Lewis's adventures were perhaps rather grander than their own adventure into parenthood, but neither of them would swap broken nights and their crying baby for all Lewis's snowboarding trips and glamorous parties all around the world.

Eventually the baby woke and as he started crying Mark took him upstairs guessing that a nappy change was due. Left alone Seb offered Lewis another coffee.

“Oh no you're alright thanks.” Lewis frowned as he noticed something now the baby wasn't there to distract him. “Where are your dogs?”

“Ah. Poor things. They're banished to the kitchen. We thought they might get a bit over-excited and we need to be careful round Teddy.”

“Oh right.”

“They can just be a bit boisterous sometimes and Teddy's so small,” explained Seb. “I'm sure they wouldn't do anything. I dunno, I guess we're a bit paranoid about everything these days.”

Lewis simply nodded.

“You want to come say hello to them?” offered Sebastian.

“Sure.”

 

Seb led him through to the kitchen where Shadow and Simba leapt up out of their baskets to greet them, rushing over to be given rubs and affection. Lewis happily crouched down and stroked over their fur and smiled at them as they pushed in.

“I do feel bad, poor things,” admitted Sebastian.

“Ah they seem alright to me,” assured Lewis. “Aren't you? Yeah.”

He ruffled their ears and the dogs pressed into him.

“Good boys,” praised Seb.

He looked to Lewis.

“We just need Teddy to be a bit bigger and things'll settle down. You just... you worry, all the time... everything the midwife says about hygiene and protecting him because he was premature, keeping him warm and feeding him right and just everything really.”

Seb let out a sigh.

“Nothing's more important. I've never felt anything like this in my life. God knows how I'm going to cope when I have to go away for testing.”

Lewis nodded sympathetically.

“Just a couple of days though, right?”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I struggle being away a couple of hours when I go into the factory for training and prep stuff. Pfff... God, I probably sound crazy.”

“Nah. It's nice. I'm sure you'll be okay.”

“Hmm. I'll have to be. Mark's taking the hard part managing on his own here, so I'll just have to manage on my own there.”

“And get back as fast as possible, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good job you have the plane then eh?”

Seb nodded at Lewis.

“You won't tell anyone any of this, will you?”

“I won't,” Lewis vowed. “Tell you what, I'll tell you something in exchange if it helps. I honestly don't know how it's gonna go for us this year. It's all change and I haven't really got a clue until I get to drive the new car for real.”

“Have you tried it in the sim?”

“Sure, but that's not the same is it?”

“Guess not.”

“So there we go,” smiled Lewis. “You can't tell about that.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Not quite the same.”

“No, but still.”

“Sure. Thanks.”

  
  


They finished off fussing with the dogs and stood up. Sebastian looked towards the door. No sign of Mark coming back down.

“Do you want to see the nursery?” he offered.

Lewis smiled wider at the idea of them having a nursery in this house.

“I'd love to.”

“Oh um, we just need to wash our hands. Sorry, with the dogs and...”

“No problem.”

Hands washed at the kitchen sink they headed upstairs where Seb tentatively pushed the nursery door open to see Mark stood at the window holding Teddy who he noticed was now in a new outfit.

“Oh hey, um Lewis wanted to see the nursery,” Seb announced. “Is he okay?”

“He's fine. Come in.”

Sebastian pushed the door wider and they entered the room. He went over to Mark and looked in at Teddy resting up into his chest. Mark just gave him a rueful smile.

“Bit messy and he needed a moment to settle himself.”

“Ah.”

Seb smoothed over Teddy's back, noting that he was in a different outfit now.

“Daddy looking after you Liebling?”

The baby still had damp cheeks as he snuggled into Mark's shoulder so Seb gave one of them a stroke before remembering their guest and turning around to see Lewis smiling.

“So, um this is his nursery,” Sebastian stated rather unnecessarily.

“Yeah. It's nice. Did you get someone in?”

“Huh?”

“To decorate.”

Mark and Seb both laughed at the idea of doing their own decorating being beyond Lewis.

“No mate, we did it,” Mark explained.

“Oh right.”

“Your parents helped,” added Seb.

“True. And we bought the furniture. We didn't do it all from scratch,” agreed Mark.

“Sure, yeah,” nodded Lewis.

“He's still in with us for now,” Seb stated. “We've got a crib in our room.”

“Ah okay.”

“It's just easier.”

“And you like being close don't you kiddo?” Mark smiled down at a now happier Teddy, then looked to Lewis. “Wanna see that too if you're getting the tour?”

“Oh, um, okay.”

 

They took Lewis down the corridor to their bedroom and opened the door to show him the crib beside their bed. Mark smiled at the expression on his face as Lewis stared at it, clearly processing the reality of their relationship and family.

“Alright mate?”

“Hmm? Yeah, very nice.”

“Shall we go down then?”

“Sure.”  
  


Lewis went ahead down the stairs and Mark gave Seb wink, making him smile. Back down in the lounge Lewis informed them that sadly he needed to get going, so seeing as Teddy seemed happy enough at the moment they passed him over to allow Lewis a final hold. Lewis smiled at the baby and then back at the parents stood by him, trying not to look too anxious that he was holding their son properly.

“He's lovely,” praised Lewis. “Real cutie-pie. I should get a pic.”

Sebastian and Mark looked to each other before Mark spoke.

“Ah, um, sorry mate, we've sort of got to hold off for now.”

“Oh right.”

“Sorry,” apologised Seb.

“It's fine,” Lewis assured. “Rules about that I guess?”

“It's just...”

“Complicated?” guessed Lewis.

Sebastian and Mark gave him regretful smiles.

“It's all complicated mate,” explained Mark. “We've already had to get a tonne of legal protections in place for when we do bring him to races.”

“Privacy stuff, protecting his identity and that,” Seb added.

“Right. Lot to think about for you now I guess.”

“Yeah.”

Mark had fitted his arm around Seb, knowing how nervous all that made him.

“It'll be fine,” he asserted. “Just gotta be careful.”

“Sure. Well I'd love to stay, but I've got to get back tonight,” Lewis asserted.

  
  


Mark took the baby back and Lewis reached in to give Teddy's cheek a final little chubb.

“Ach you're so cute I could just eat you up.”

“Daddy won't let anyone eat you sweetheart,” Mark reassured Teddy as Seb stood up to join them.

“Not even your Uncle Lewis.”

Lewis chuckled.

“Course not. I look forward to seeing you in Melbourne bub.”

Mark smiled at how keen he was.

“We'll see you there.”

“I should send you a little Merc babygro.”

Both Mark and Seb laughed.

“I think I'd get banned from my own garage,” pointed out Seb.

Lewis laughed as well.

“Maybe not then. Ha, no that wouldn't do would it?” he smiled. “Good to see you and really great to meet you Teddy.”

“We'll know where to go if we need a babysitter,” smiled Mark.

“For sure. Just not during a race.”

“Right you are then. Good stuff.”

  
  


Sebastian showed Lewis out, passing him his coat in the hallway as he put his shoes back on.

“Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for having me.”

Sebastian opened the door and Lewis could see him wanting to ask again that he didn't saying anything about the secret they had shared with him.

“Don't look so worried man, I'm keeping all this to myself, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks. I know I get weird about it.”

“Not weird. Totally natural. I'm sure it'll all be fine. You're obviously great parents.”

“You think?”

Lewis laughed and patted him on the arm.

“Absolutely. You need a reference for that adoption just ask.”

“Ha, thanks.”

“Well, take care. Enjoy your time at home with the family and I guess I'll see you in Barcelona.”

“Yep.”

Lewis leaned in and gave him a hug which Seb returned.

“I'm really happy for you. For you both. It's great and I'm sure the adoption stuff will all be fine too.”

“Hope so.”

Lewis nodded. Seb obviously carried concerns. His life always seemed more serious than Lewis's own, so perhaps that wasn't such a big surprise and they'd certainly made it much more complicated now, but it seemed a simple life wasn't for Seb. Lewis's biggest concern now was getting home in time to sort himself out to fly out to New York next week to attend an array of fashion shows and parties before knuckling down the week after to begin serious preparations for the testing. As he climbed into his car to drive away Lewis gave Seb a wave and thought how his time would instead be spent changing nappies and getting up in the middle of the night, while Lewis hung out with supermodels and popstars, up late for rather different reasons. A different world. The baby was cute, but all that was not for him just yet. Lewis reversed out of the drive and put his foot down on the throttle to race off down the empty country lane. It really was a different world to his own.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


  
  


The following morning Seb and Mark were up early as they always were these days. Mark looked after Teddy as Sebastian went around fussing to make sure the house was ready for their next set of visitors. As he returned to the kitchen Mark looked up from smiling at their son in his arms.

“Everything in order then sweetheart?”

Sebastian knew Mark was teasing him, so he ignored the question and stepped in to listen to Teddy making little gurgly noises again.

“I'm sure he's trying to talk,” decided Seb.

Mark laughed.

“Darling he's not even six weeks old until tomorrow.”

“I know, but it's good he's trying to make sounds at least. Especially seeing he's early. Teddy's only three weeks old in a way.”

Mark stroked over his son's back.

“Course it's good. He's catching up at a rate of knots, aren't you mate?”

Teddy made another little gurgling noise and both his parents smiled at him.

“Good boy,” praised Seb.

“One day we'll be wishing he'd shut up,” Mark joked.

“Ah no we won't.”

Mark chuckled.

“I bet we will.”

Sebastian sighed and stroked over Teddy's head.

“I'll never wish you'd be quiet Teddybär.”

Mark looked at him more softly.

“I'm only kidding sweetheart.”

“I know.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“We're nearly there.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark, knowing what Seb was referring to.

“Nothing's going to go wrong is it Liebling?”

Mark shook his head.

“It's all going to be fine. Rachel will be here first thing on Monday, we'll sign the papers, talk to our teams and just go from there.”

Seb nodded, but he couldn't help biting his lip.

“We'll manage it darling. Okay?” Mark reassured.

“I just worry about the press.”

“I know. We just have to hope for the best. Britta's going to do all she can.”

“Yeah. I do appreciate it.”

“Me too. It'll be alright. Bit of fuss, but it'll blow over.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded.

“Come on darling, your sister will be here soon. We'll just enjoy our time with them and deal with the rest in the week, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to take him?”

Mark passed Teddy over to Seb and gave him a half hug.

“What d'you say to a nice cup of tea while we wait for them to arrive?” Mark offered.

“Thanks.”

“You take him through then.”

 

 

A few minutes later Mark came into the lounge with two mugs of tea accompanied by the dogs who he directed to sit on the floor while he sat down with Seb.

“Thanks.”

“Want me to take him?” Mark offered.

Sebastian shook his head and accepted the offered mug to hold out of the way, doing their usual trick of leaning away from the baby to drink. It wasn't easy, but with practise you could at least sip your drink before it went cold. As they finished their drinks Mark took Seb's mug to put with his own on the coffee table and fitted his arm around him. He could feel how Sebastian was getting more tense as the date they waited for approached. If they could just get through this next week relatively unscathed it would feel as though they had dodged the bullet and could start getting on with their lives.

He would feel better about things too. Mark didn't want to think about the media prying into their lives. They could be heartless at times, but surely, _surely_ not over a baby? Mark looked at Teddy lying in Seb's arms. Their tiny innocent son. Teddy seemed happy, untroubled by any of their concerns. He was currently looking up at his parents who seemed to be amused when he blew little spit bubbles. Mark found a tissue to wipe his mouth.

“Whatcha doing kiddo? Hmm? Getting messy.”

The baby murmured and Mark huffed a laugh as he looked at Seb.

“Maybe he is trying to talk?” Mark smiled down at Teddy. “Is that it little man? You trying to talk to Daddy and Papa? Whatcha trying to say?”

Sebastian smiled at the soft baby voice Mark used to talk to their son. So much for the rough tough Aussie Grit.

  
  


They were quite happily settled in as a family, almost forgetting their worries and even that they were expecting Stef and her family arriving, when Seb's phone went off in his pocket. Seb jumped and the movement plus the sharp ringing noise set Teddy off crying. Mark sighed and took him back, standing to calm the baby down while Seb got his phone out and answered it, taking a settling breath before speaking.

“Hey. Oh right, okay. Yeah don't worry. There's no rush. Do you want me to come get you? Okay, if you're sure... Don't stress... Whenever's fine. See you in a bit.”

Sebastian hung up and stood to join Mark with a now quieted Teddy.

“Sorry.”

“It's fine. Was that your sister?”

“Yeah. They're just delayed a bit. They're here, but for some reason they had to stay on the plane a while after landing before they could get off.”

“Ah right. Yeah I hate it when that happens. Right, so they're on their way?”

“Just waiting for a taxi. I did say I'd pick them up.”

“Don't worry about it sweetheart.”

Sebastian nodded, then let out a heavy breath.

“For a horrible moment I thought it might be Rachel or Britta calling to say there was a problem.”

Mark sighed. Seb was so jumpy. Maybe they'd be better off switching their phones off once their guests arrived, but then they would only worry they were missing something.

“It wasn't though was it?”

“No.” Sebastian looked in at their son. “Sorry Teddy.”

“Ah he's fine. So we've got an hour probably then. What do you want to do?”

Sebastian let out a helpless little laugh.

“Oh I don't know Liebling.”

“Take these guys for a walk?”

“By the time we've got him ready we'd hardly have time to go out and turn back.”

Mark sighed, though he knew it was true.

“Alright, well, looks nice out for once. Why don't we just let them run around in the garden and have a sit out for some fresh air?”

“Okay. I'll get his snow-suit.”

  
  


It was still ten minutes before they were all ready to go out. Seb held a bundled-up Teddy as Mark collected some of the dogs' toys to chuck into the garden as they let them out the back door. They went to sit on the hardy wooden garden chairs and Sebastian set Teddy to sit on his knee facing out, resting him against his body as Mark shooed the dogs off from poking their noses in too closely.

“Go on, have a play,” he instructed, taking the toy offered up by Simba and lobbing it out across the lawn from them to chase.

Sebastian breathed in the fresh air. It did feel better and it wasn't as cold today. They'd still wrapped Teddy up though, just in case, but they didn't need gloves themselves. In his little padded snow-suit their son almost did feel like the toy teddy bear he called him sometimes. He looked to Mark.

“You know he'll be grown out of this soon. We'll have to get a new one.”

Mark bent round to look at Teddy and moved his little mittened hand.

“Getting big aren't you mate? Soon be running around with the boys causing mischief.”

Seb smiled and lifted Teddy, turning him in slightly so he faced them both, supporting him with one arm as he balanced back on his knee. Their little boy getting bigger, needing new clothes, learning to make noises, developing all the time. They just needed to sign the papers. Seb closed his eyes for a second and prayed, then opened his eyes to see Teddy looking at him. He smiled to reassure him and the baby smiled back.

“Look, look Mark he's smiling. He really is Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh and both of them smiled at their son.

“Aren't you a clever boy? So clever, so beautiful.”

Mark sighed and touched Teddy's nose, smiling in at him as well. Their beautiful boy. Nobody and nothing was going to threaten him. The baby flailed a padded hand back to him and Mark took it to dance back and forth, looking into those bright blue eyes before glancing up to another pair of blue eyes above them. Mark gave Seb a smile as well. No one was going to threaten him either, or upset him. Mark didn't entirely know how, but he was going to protect his family. That was his job now.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we go, part 2 to follow because as usual this was getting way too long (ha, story of the whole story!)


	203. Visitors - part 2

 

* * *

 

  
  


By the time their guests arrived Teddy was asleep again and content to be held by Mark as Sebastian went to answer the door. Stef was holding Sofie on her hip as Jan lugged their bags inside.

“Oh you should have let me help.”

“No bother,” assured Jan as he deposited them in the hall by the stairs.

“Can I at least get the taxi?” Sebastian offered.

He peered outside only to see the car already pulling off the drive.

“Too late,” smiled Stef.

“I really could have come and got you.”

“Nonsense. Much easier to get a taxi. Anyway, hello.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Sorry. Hi. Hi Jan. Hey Sofie.”

Seb managed a half hug with his sister and smiled at his niece.

“Are you going to say hello to your Onkel Seb?” encouraged Jan.

The baby babbled something and Stefanie gave her brother a smile.

“That kind of counts as hello.”

“Course it does. Hello Sofie.”

“She can't wait to meet her new cousin.”

“Come through. Oh let me take her.”

Sebastian took Sofie from his sister while they removed coats and shoes, then helped her take Sofie's little coat off, adding it to the pile on the bannisters for now.

 

“Hey all.”

They turned to see Mark stood in the lounge doorway carrying Teddy, held so he could see their new arrivals.

“Someone woke up to say hello,” he smiled.

The group came over, Stef and Jan leaning in to see their new nephew in person for the first time.

“Oh he's beautiful,” sighed Stef. “So little. Was Sof ever that small?”

Jan huffed a laugh and put an arm around her.

“I'm pretty sure she was. He's lovely though. Hey Teddy, nice to meet you.”

 

They stepped through into the lounge, all standing in the centre of the room. Seb was still holding his niece so he brought her to the same height as Teddy. Stefanie smiled at her daughter who was staring curiously at the little person Mark held.

“This is your cousin Teddy,” Stef explained.

Sofie frowned then reached out to the younger baby, nearly accidentally hitting him in the face.

“Oh now be careful,” cautioned Stefanie.

She took her back and looked at her daughter seriously.

“You need to be careful with him Sofie. He's only little.”

“It's okay,” reassured Mark as he shifted Teddy to lie up against his chest, his head by his shoulder.

“She's getting so she doesn't know her own strength,” explained Jan. “Nearly gave me a black eye the other week.”

Stefanie tsk'd at him.

“Exaggerating.” She looked back to the other couple. “But she can be a bit clumsy so we'd better keep an eye on her with him.”

Sebastian gave his niece's cheek a stroke.

“Don't worry. Just learning aren't you Liebling? I'm sure you're excited.”

“Hmm, I'm not sure excited is the phrase I would have used on the flight,” noted Stef.

“Oh?”

“Air-pressure changes. She's not keen.”

“Oh dear, poor thing.”

“Ah she's fine now.”

“Take a seat,” encouraged Mark.

“Are the dogs in the kitchen?” wondered Jan as he sat down on the other sofa to their hosts.

“Yeah we thought two babies and two dogs might not be the best combo, not to begin with anyway. Maybe later.”

“Ah right.”

“Drinks, food, anything else you need?” prompted Seb. “We've got lunch ready to go if you're hungry.”

Stefanie smiled at how hospitable they were. She glanced to Jan.

“No rush, but, um coffee maybe? We had an early start.”

Mark chuckled.

“It's all early starts now.”

Sebastian was already standing again.

“I'll make it. What about Sofie? Would she like milk or does she have other things now?”

“Still milk,” stated Stef. “We brought some baby food as well, but she might try a bit of whatever we have if we can blend it up.”

“No problem.”

“I'll come help,” decided Jan. “Her stuff's in the blue bag.”

“I can find it.”

“Nah it's all shoved in there.”

 

Jan bobbed up and Mark considered offering to go instead so Seb could talk to his sister, but Seb was already out the door, keen to play host and feel useful, so instead Mark looked over to his sister-in-law.

“Tricky journey then?”

Stef looked at her daughter sat on her lap.

“She calmed down when we gave her a bottle. Sucking helps equalise the pressure for her. Learned that trick last time we came.”

“Ah, thanks. We'll doubtless need that,” smiled Mark.

“I'm sure you will. So, you're alright then?”

Mark turned his head to look at Teddy now nuzzling his face into his shoulder.

“Yeah we're good thanks. This young man was kind enough to give us a lie-in this morning.”

“A lie-in? You're kidding?” replied Stef in surprise.

“Yep. Nearly six am today before he decided the day had started, not that we weren't up in-between.”

Stefanie laughed.

“Ah. I see.”

“It's all relative.”

“Indeed. Well this little munchkin still makes an excellent alarm clock. Sorry in advance if you get two lots of them waking you tonight.”

“No worries. Oh we've set you up in the room on the other side of the nursery, so hopefully you won't hear Teddy so much and we tested the baby monitor so you've got that too. Unless you want us to move the cot from the nursery into your room.”

“Oh no no, that sounds great. Very thoughtful.”

“We've not actually used it ourselves yet.”

“The baby monitor or the nursery?”

“Both.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Well actually that's not entirely true. We change Teddy in there and the rocking chair already gets a lot of use, but not to sleep.”

Stef smiled, pleased to hear the little details that told of their lives now.

“I'm sure we'll all rub along.”

Mark nodded, choosing not to tell her they had already set up an overnight changing spot back on the floor in their bedroom with the spare changing mat so they needn't disturb their niece sleeping. They could live without using the rocking chair for one night.

  
  


A little while later the two couples were back on the sofas in the lounge while Sofie sat on the floor in front of her parents, amusing herself with a couple of her toys they had brought with them. Seb had offered to bring a few of Teddy's down, but his sister assured him she was happy with her own toys.

“She can be quite territorial about things,” Stef explained. “I've been taking her to a baby group on Wednesday mornings and oh my goodness, the _fuss_ if another baby crawls over and tries to take something from her.”

“Oh dear,” smiled Seb. “Thankfully Teddy's not crawling anywhere yet.”

“I'm not sure he even recognises his toys really either to be honest,” admitted Mark. “I don't think he'll have an issue sharing anything, so if she takes a fancy to anything in the nursery it's fine for her to play with it.”

“Thanks. Very kind,” nodded Jan. He reached forwards and stroked over the whisps of blonde hair on their daughter's head. “Hear that sweetheart? Your cousin will share his toys. Isn't he kind?”

Stef huffed a laugh.

“This would be where Mum would be telling us that children with siblings are better at sharing. You know, as a subtle hint.”

“Ah.”

Seb glanced to Mark who diplomatically did nothing but smile.

“Has she started on you yet?” enquired Stef.

“Hm?”

“Asking if it wouldn't be nice if Teddy had a little brother or sister.”

“Oh blimey,” laughed Mark. “We've barely had time to get used to having Teddy.”

“Mm, give it a couple of months,” noted Stef darkly. “Honestly. When I sent over those bits of clothes for Teddy the first thing she said was; 'Aren't you thinking you might need them again yourself?'”

“It was very kind of you to send them,” Mark replied diplomatically.

“I'm sure she means well,” tried Seb.

Stefanie sighed.

“I know she does, just... To be honest it still feels like we're getting used to looking after Sofie ourselves, doesn't it?”

“Mm,” agreed Jan vaguely before taking another sip of his coffee.

“I'm only just sorting out going back to work part-time,” continued Stef. “I don't much fancy going back in only to tell them I'll be off again soon. I mean give us chance.”

 

Mark caught Jan's eyes and both of them tried not to smile too much. Not a good idea to join in commenting on their mother-in-law.

“Looking forwards to going back to work then?” he asked instead.

“Oh sort of. Yes and no. It'll be strange, but in a way nice to get to do other things and to see other adults a bit. It does feel like I hardly leave the house some days.”

Stefanie sighed as she watched her daughter shaking her toy animals about, then shook her head.

“I'll probably miss her horribly, even if it is only two days a week.”

Mark looked at Teddy who Seb was now holding. A year from now he would be due to return to work himself. How would that feel? Was he going to be itching to get back to racing, or dreading leaving their son? Right now Mark couldn't imagine being parted from him. Unlike Seb he hadn't been parted from Teddy any further than the kitchen to make a bottle in the night. He stroked over Teddy's arm as he looked down at him. A year was a long time, but Mark guessed that like Stef he would miss his child horribly if he had to be away.

  
  


  
  


After lunch they gave their visitors a while to settle into their room and to put Sofie down for a nap, hoping that she might at least rest while Teddy was asleep. As Mark put him down in the crib in their room Sebastian showed his sister and Jan the nursery.

“Aw this is so lovely,” smiled Stef.

“Thanks.”

“You sure you're okay with Sof staying in here?”

“Of course.”

“It feels like it's Teddy's room.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Well it is, but not for sleeping in yet. You're not pushing him out or anything. He's still sleeping in the crib by us.”

“Okay.”

Stefanie looked at the cot all made up with the toy dinosaur tucked in under the covers. She laughed.

“Was that you?”

“Hmm? Oh. No.”

Seb smiled, realising Mark must have done that when he wasn't looking. Sebastian took the toy out of the way and added it to the collection on the shelves. Lewis's teddy bear was so big they'd had to sit it in the corner of the room watching over them.

“Right then Sofie, why don't you try this for size?” encouraged Jan, placing his daughter in the cot.

He tried lying his daughter down, but Sofie fought him and sat before trying to pull herself up using the rails to stand.

“No come on, be a good girl and have a rest.”

Jan looked at her, but Sofie ignored him, trying to stand for another minute before plonking down on her behind and looking suspiciously at her strange surroundings. Her mother leaned over the cot.

“You're going to have a nice nap while the rest of us get a bit of peace for an hour,” Stefanie told her.

“Ma-ma!”

Sofie held her arms up to be lifted up, but Stef shook her head firmly.

“No Sofie.”

“Does she need anything?” Seb checked.

Stefanie shook her head.

“She's used to napping after lunch, it's just being somewhere different.”

Sofie scrunched her face looking worrying as though she might start crying, but her mother eye-balled her back and the baby merely scowled at her, still holding her arms up until dropping them in defeat.

“Quick, before she changes her mind.”

Sebastian hurriedly switched on the baby monitor left on one of the lower shelves not far from the cot and they left the room, Stef shutting the door.

“She'll be fine once we're not there to distract her.”

Seb merely nodded and led them on.

 

“Oh okay. Well, this is you.”

Sebastian showed them into the next room along where their bags had already been brought up earlier, pointing out the linked monitor and switching it on for them so they could hear Sofie, though he suspected they would hear her through the wall anyway if she really cried. For now, just as his sister had predicted, Sofie was quiet and hopefully submitting to a nap.

“So um, there's the bathroom down this end and the main one of course, use whichever, and anything you need, just help yourself.”

Jan smiled.

“We're really fine Seb, thanks.”

Mark appeared in the doorway.

“Hey. Are you all set?”

“Yep we're good,” confirmed Jan.

“Is Teddy asleep?” Seb checked.

“He's fine darling. Out for the count.”

Stef could see her brother wanted to get back with him seeing as Mark had left Teddy alone for a moment.

“You go have a rest. We'll just unpack and do the same.”

“Are you sure?”

“Course.”

“If you need anything at all you can help yourself in the kitchen or wherever,” added Mark.

Stef smiled, not wanting to say Seb had already offered much the same.

“Thanks.”

“Or just knock on the door,” Seb offered. “We won't mind.”

“We're fine. Go on, really,” insisted Stefanie.

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay. Alright well just an hour or whatever.”

“Sure.”

Stef decided to give them a hint to go get a lie down so she lifted up a bag onto the bed and undid it to start taking things out. Mark smiled and indicated towards the door with his head.

 

They walked back to their own bedroom, Seb immediately checking that something disasterous hadn't happened to their son in the minute or so he had been left alone lying in his crib. On seeing that he was indeed safely fast asleep, Seb let out a long breath as he sat down on the bed, knowing he needed to relax. Mark sat beside him.

“Alright?”

“Yep.”

“It's your sister sweetheart. You don't need to worry about anything. They understand stuff don't they?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay so let's try getting a nap while he's asleep. Stef and Jan can look after themselves and after we'll just see where we're at.”

“Okay,” nodded Seb. “Maybe go for a walk later?”

Mark smiled at Seb still wanting to organise everything.

“Sure. Come on. I need a nap as much as this little guy.”

“Mm, me too.”

They got up and peeled off a few layers to crawl back into bed to get a snatched bit of rest, hoping, despite their assurances, that none of their guests woke them. Seb leaned into Mark as he pulled him close and told his brain to shut off. It was Stef, not his mother. They would look after themselves and he could relax, just relax and get a bit of sleep while Teddy did. They both closed their eyes and dropped off.

  
  


  
  


An hour and a half later they were all back downstairs, trying to sort themselves out for taking the dogs for a walk. Seeing as their visitors hadn't brought their pushchair for such a short stay they were trying to decide what was the best plan.

“The running buggy has a pushchair bit we could swap in,” offered Seb.

Jan scrunched his nose.

“Nah it's fine. I'll just carry her.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah no problem. We're not going that far are we?”

“Oh no, just to get some fresh air. We've got the carrier. I'm sure we could adjust it for Sofie,” offered Seb.

Jan put a hand on his arm.

“Really. I'm fine carrying her. Don't put yourself to any trouble.”

“Well if you're sure.”

“If you're carrying Sof we could stick Teddy in the carrier and go up the hill if you fancy it?” suggested Mark.

Jan looked to Stefanie who nodded.

“Sounds nice.”

“It's only about ten, fifteen minutes if we go straight up there,” stated Seb.

“And there's a bench at the top,” smiled Mark.

Jan huffed a laugh.

“I thought you two were athletes?”

“Ah everyone likes a nice little sit down,” Mark defended, then laughed and shook his head. “Oh god I sound old.”

“No you don't,” defended Seb automatically. He looked to the others. “There's a nice view up there so we just like to have a sit and throw sticks for the dogs.”

His sister gave him a smile.

“Lovely. Right, well let's sort ourselves out. Did you put our coats under the stairs?”

  
  


  
  


Fifteen minutes later they finally left the house, Teddy in his snow-suit fitted into the carrier strapped to Mark's front, Sofie in her coat with the hood pulled up against the breeze, carried by her father. They had ended up loaning hats to Stef and Jan so they all currently wore variations on RedBull beanies which Jan joked made them look as though they were on some kind of team outing. Sebastian had both dogs on leads who were straining to get on out onto the lane.

“You want me to take one?” offered Mark.

“No I'm fine. Boys calm down. We're going now. Calm.”

Sebastian tried giving them a stroke, but they were still excitedly pulling away so Mark stood to look at them.

“Shadow, Simba. Behave!” he demanded in a very firm voice.

The dogs instantly quailed and dropped back. Sebastian frowned.

“How come they don't do that for me?”

“You're too nice darling.”

Seb sighed but he saw his sister smiling and didn't want her to make a joke about who was going to have to be the disciplinarian of the family so he gave the dogs a little pull on the leads and they set off.

“I can take one,” offered Stef.

“It's only a little way off the lane,” he explained. “We can let them run about on the path as long as Sofie's okay.”

“Course she's okay,” assured Jan. “Like the doggies don't you?”

“Hu,” replied Sofie, looking at the animals near her.

Jan smiled at Seb.

“That's Sofie for dog by the way.”

“Ah.”

“At least I think it is. To be honest we're guessing what she's trying for a lot these days.” He hitched his daughter up a bit to carry her more to the side as they filed along the narrow path to reach the kissing gate off the lane onto the footpath, pausing as Seb unclipped the dogs' leads and let them run off up the hill. He walked alongside Mark, looking in at Teddy.

“We can swap on the way back,” he offered.

“If you like. It's no bother. He's quite happy, aren't you mate?”

Mark angled his head to look at their son and Seb had to admit Teddy looked quite content squashed into him.

  
  


When they got to the top they fitted onto the bench in a row, laughing at how those on the ends were only just managing not to fall off. Stef had taken Sofie and she sat in the centre beside Mark with Teddy while those who weren't holding children risked the edges of the bench.

“You can see a long way,” observed Jan.

“Yeah it's nice.”

“We like it,” confirmed Mark.

“It's quiet you see,” explained Seb. “So the dogs are fine to run around.”

“And there's lots of sticks which they like, don't you?”

Shadow had run up with a stick which he offered up. Mark gave him a rub, but let Seb throw the stick.

“We'll have to teach you Sof,” he smiled. “You want to throw a stick for the doggies?”

 

Sofie stared at him and babbled, so her mother decided that was a yes and the next time the dogs came back Seb passed the stick over and Stef found the non-slobbery end to put in her daughter's hand, trying to help her propel it into the distance. Unfortunately Sofie hadn't quite understood the game and on the first couple of goes refused to let go of the stick resulting in the dogs hilariously running off for sticks they presumed must have been thrown, only to return in confusion. Jan gave them a stroke.

“Poor things. Sofie you have to let go Liebling.”

“Papa.”

“Yeah.”

Jan smiled at her and took her hand instead of Stef and helped Sofie to at least drop the stick a foot or two away. The dogs looked at the stick on the ground and then back at them all on the bench.

“Oh dear,” laughed Jan. “I'm not sure they're impressed.”

Simba picked the stick up and this time offered it directly to Sofie.

“I think they're trying to train her,” joked Mark.

“I bet they are actually,” agreed Stef.

They let Sofie have another go with much the same result before Jan took the stick and threw it properly off towards the undergrowth.

“Bit beyond her yet I suppose,” he allowed.

They switched to discussing what was for dinner and how they might spend their evening and the following day, the adults with free hands taking turns to lob sticks to keep the dogs happy until the sky above them clouded over and it began to look like rain, encouraging them to head for home.

  
  


It turned out to be a good decision, the group reaching the house and getting inside just as it started to drizzle. By the time they were divested of outerwear and Mark was filling the kettle for tea, he looked out of the window by the kitchen sink to see the rain really coming down.

“Whoof, good job we missed that,” he commented as he went to put the water on to boil.

“English weather,” joked Jan.

“Ah we're used to it,” smiled Sebastian.

He noticed that the dogs were looking plaintive by their empty bowls so he let his sister take Teddy while he filled them. Mark smiled as he set out mugs and found some biscuits to put on a plate. He noted that Seb had far fewer qualms trusting his sister to care for their son than any other visitor. Seb hadn't once asked Stef to remember to support Teddy's head which might be a first for anyone apart from the midwife. Even if he didn't say it out-loud Mark could usually see it in Sebastian's eyes, but Stef got a pass. Mark supposed that made sense seeing as she had a baby of her own and recently at that. As he waited for the kettle to boil and Seb came to wash his hands Mark thought how much he wished his own sister could visit. He'd spoken to her on the phone plenty of times, but it wasn't the same. Mark knew he too would trust his sister entirely with their son, even if it was some years since her own children were babies. It really was a shame they all lived so far apart.

  
  


Once they had settled in the lounge with their drinks and had warmed up Jan decided to demonstrate how Sofie was almost up to walking now, holding her hands above her to help her toddle unevenly up and down. Having done this twice she clearly decided she had performed enough and plonked herself down to sit on the floor. All the adults applauded and Sofie smiled and clapped herself, much to the amusement of the others.

“Aren't you clever Liebling?” praised Seb.

“Soon be running around,” smiled Mark.

“Causing chaos no doubt,” Jan added.

He found her toys left over to the side and passed them to her where she happily sat, still occasionally clapping and looking at her hands as if almost surprised and then giggling to herself.

“Ach she's so cute,” commented Seb.

Stefanie smiled.

“Not the only one,” she nodded towards the baby now dropping off in Seb's arms.

Sebastian looked to Teddy then back to his sister.

“Did you bring swimming costumes? If it's still like this tomorrow we could just go in the pool in the morning.”

Jan gave him a flick of his eyebrows.

“Oh yeah. We weren't going to forget them.”

“Great.”

“That's a good idea sweetheart,” concurred Mark before looking to the others. “Teddy's getting quite into swimming.”

Seb leaned a little more into him, smiling to Mark before looking over to Stef and Jan.

“We just have a bit of a float.”

“Sounds good to me,” offered Stefanie. “We'll can have a nice relaxing time.”

Sofie heard her mother's voice and dumped her toy on the ground to crawl towards her, grabbing hold of Stef's trouser leg to try to pull herself up. Stefanie smiled and reached to scoop her up onto her lap.

“You'll enjoy that Sof. Have a nice swim and show off to your uncles how good you're getting.”

“Still going to lessons?” enquired Mark, remembering what she had told them over Christmas.

Stef huffed a laugh.

“Lessons, sort of. Really it's just an excuse for mums to chat and babies to splash about, but yes we go don't we Sof?”

The baby babbled and batted her hand in the direction of Stefanie's mouth.

“Ah that's all we really do,” assured Mark.

“He's getting more active though,” insisted Seb.

“More splashy certainly.”

“Well that's how they learn isn't it?”

Mark smiled and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Course it is darling. He's doing great.”

Mark huffed a laugh as he saw that Teddy had dropped off to sleep. He looked over to the others.

“We just have to pick a time he's feeling lively.”

“Well that's almost all the time for this little one,” noted Jan, “so I think we'll be good.”

Sebastian nodded and looked down at Teddy sleeping. They wouldn't need any swimming classes. He and Mark would teach their son to swim themselves, maybe even before he learned to walk, not that Seb thought he'd manage to let go of him, no matter if he was wearing a buoyancy vest. He'd still worry.

  
  


  
  


  
  


That evening Seb sat with his sister on the sofa in the lounge as Jan insisted on helping Mark clear up after dinner. They each held their babies who were looking rather more placid after a feed and Stef smiled as she gave her brother a tiny shoulder bump.

“Who'd have thought this eh?”

“Hm?”

Stefanie huffed a laugh.

“This. Us and our little munchkins, all settled and happy.”

“Yeah.”

Stef looked into his eyes.

“You are happy aren't you?”

Seb nodded, then gazed down at Teddy whose eyes were drooping shut now.

“Of course we are.” He looked back to his sister. “God Stef, I was really starting to fear we weren't going to get this.”

“I knew it'd work out.”

“Mm.”

 

Sebastian let out a long sigh and the movement disturbed Teddy slightly. The baby murmured and moved about so Seb shifted him to hold him up against his chest, his hand cradling the back of Teddy's head as he rested his face into his father's shoulder and settled back down. The door moved and Sebastian looked over expecting Mark or Jan to appear, but it was Shadow pushing his nose tentatively in, clearly looking for permission to be allowed to enter.

“C'mon then,” encouraged Seb. “Have a lie down over there.”

He nodded over to the spot in front of the fire and both dogs went over to slump down in a heap. Sebastian looked to his sister.

“That's alright isn't it?” he checked.

“Hm?”

“The dogs.”

“Oh sure. She's nearly off anyway.” Stef looked at Sofie sat in her lap, her chubby little cheek pressed in against her and heavy eyelids that showed she was fighting falling asleep. “Probably Jan leaving the kitchen door open.”

“It's only really when people arrive they get over-excited,” Seb explained.

“Sure.” Stef looked at him. “Seb are you alright?”

“I'm fine.”

“But?”

Sebastian sighed out slowly, trying not to let it disturb Teddy this time.

“It's just... Oh I don't know, maybe I'm being paranoid. I just can't help worrying.”

“About Teddy?”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“No not really. Well a bit, obviously, but not so much now he's getting bigger and he's been doing so well... No it's what's coming up. This week, god Stef I'm so nervous. I know I'm working myself up a bit, but I can't help it. I'm terrified something is going to go wrong.”

“I thought you could sign the papers now.”

“On Monday.”

Stef frowned.

“So you're there then.”

“Not quite.”

“Seb, what could go wrong between now and Monday morning?”

“I don't know. Anything. I'm not sure.” Seb spared a hand to rub at his face. “Maybe I'm just being ridiculous. I mean if there was going to be a problem or an objection I guess it would have come up before now. Logically I can tell myself the odds of a mystery biological father pitching up between now and nine am Monday are pretty slim, but...”

“But you still worry.”

“Yeah.”

“Ah Seb. I'm sure that won't happen. You said they'd investigated all that.”

“They have.”

“So if they were going to find one surely that would have happened by now.”

“I know.”

“So it'll be fine. You'll sign the papers and then you're on your way.”

Sebastian nodded, but Stef could tell he was still unsettled.

“Don't you believe that?” she questioned.

“I kindof do. The logical part of my brain does anyway, but I only have to see my phone to start worrying that any second it will burst into life and something disasterous will have happened.”

“Like what?”

“Like someone claiming to be Teddy's biological father, or the press finding out, someone spreading gossip on Twitter, or I don't know, something to cause a problem.”

 

Seb looked at Teddy who was now fast asleep. He could feel his little chest moving gently in and out against him, feel his soft breath on his skin at the neck. His baby, his baby. Seb took in a calming breath, trying to stop himself slipping.

“If anyone tried to take him away from us I don't know what we'd do. I couldn't bear it.”

“Why would anyone take him away?”

“If a father turned up.”

“Surely not now. And I thought you said once the papers are signed it's too late?”

“Theoretically yes, but they could try going to court, kick up a big fuss.”

“But they'd have to prove they were the father.”

“They could do a DNA test.”

“After all this time?”

“I don't know. Once we've signed all the papers we need to go public so Porsche can announce about Mark and if the media go crazy with it then someone might decide to try it on.”

“And actually want the baby? Surely if they've not bothered until now they can't care that much?”

“Maybe to try and get money off us?”

“Wouldn't the adoption agency prevent that?”

“I suppose. I don't know Stef, maybe I am just thinking of all the worst things that could happen? I worry some horrible person will just go to the tabloids and say they're the father, or even that they're the mother, just to sell a story.”

“But the mother...” Stef stopped as she glanced at the children.

“I know, but they could lie. The papers won't care if it's a nice juicy story and then they can print a follow-up one saying it's not true after all.”

“Oh Seb.”

Stefanie spared a hand to rub over her brother's arm. Seb looked at her.

“We're going to try so hard to keep the media from knowing any details, try everything we can to protect him. We've got legal orders about his privacy and rulings so they can't print his picture.”

“So that's good then.”

“Yeah, just... There'll still be stories and speculation and I worry about when we go to races if they'll try it on anyway.”

“Britta will put a stop to it.”

“I know she's trying all she can.”

“You always say how good she is.”

“She is. She's great, but... there's only so much we can do and I'm just scared that they might think we're not protecting him properly from it all and then they might turn down the adoption.”

 

Stefanie sighed and gave his arm a squeeze. Always worries for her brother. Always fears preventing him from being at peace. It wasn't fair. All they wanted was an ordinary family life like anyone else.

“You're doing all you can,” she assured him. “They'll see that.”

“I hope so.”

“Maybe it won't be so bad? Even the tabloids have to have some decency when it comes to a baby?”

“I just don't have a lot of faith in them. They don't realise the damage they do. Or maybe they don't care. They just want a good story to sell papers, or get hits online from click-bait or whatever and then the next day it could be forgotten for them as they move onto the next entertaining little story.”

“Leaving devastation in their wake,” completed Stef.

“Yeah,” sighed Seb, looking to Teddy again. “I just couldn't bear it Stef. Neither of us could. He's our son. If anything happened...”

“It won't.”

Sebastian sighed.

“It _won't_ ,” Stef repeated calmly. “You said your case-worker was on your side, that she knew things were tricky for you and understood.”

“Yes but it's not up to her to approve the adoption. She takes us through it and gives her recommendations, but it's not her final decision.”

“But she'll help and I'm sure she'll explain how much you are doing to protect Teddy, how great you and Mark are with him.” Stefanie gave her brother a smile. “You're wonderful parents.”

“We just love him so much. I know he's adopted, but he's our son. I feel it, like it was meant to be, just as Mark always said.”

“So it's meant to be,” asserted Stef. “And of course he's your son. See how content he is. How healthy and well-cared-for he looks. Everyone who's seen you can see that and that's what they'll tell whoever has to approve the final adoption.”

“It could be six months.”

“To wait for it to be final?”

Sebastian bit his lip and nodded.

“They will approve it Seb. Teddy couldn't want for better parents than you and Mark,” Stefanie insisted.

 

Seb moved his head to place his cheek against Teddy's. His son. His and Mark's. Their child. Their family. He closed his eyes for a moment and prayed. His sister rubbed gently over his arm.

“You'll get through it,” she assured. “You're just imagining the worst-case scenarios. I'm sure it won't be that bad. Soon you'll have signed the papers and be on your way. Just ignore the stupid newspapers and concentrate on what really matters.”

Sebastian lifted his head away to look at her.

“Teddy,” emphasised Stef. “And you and Mark. Just concentrate on being a family and carry on the great job you're doing and before you know it, it'll be the summer and the adoption will be finalised. Then you can get on with worrying about weaning, and him learning to walk and talk, and silly little things like organising your summer barbecue again.”

Sebastian managed a smile.

“We were thinking of having his christening the same weekend while everyone's over.”

Stef huffed a laugh.

“See? Stick to thinking about that stuff. It'll all happen. Blink and we'll be there. Mum fussing over arrangements, this little one no doubt toddling around getting underfoot and your little one causing your biggest concern by bawling the church down.”

“He can cry all he likes.”

Stefanie smiled at him.

“Course he can.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Stef gave a little shrug, but Seb looked at her seriously.

“Thank you,” he repeated.

Seb turned his head and kissed Teddy's cheek. August. Maybe by then he might actually be able to relax?

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The following day they enjoyed swimming in the pool with the babies, or more accurately, four adults fussing over their offspring who splashed them in response, the older Sofie more so than her more placid young cousin. Jan tried holding Sofie on her belly to see if she might have a go at something more like really swimming, but she only succeeded in splashing her own face which apparently wasn't as amusing as splashing others, causing her to burst into tears. Stefanie took her back with a sigh as Jan apologised and shot Seb and Mark awkward looks.

“Sorry,” he tried again as Stef rubbed over Sofie's back to calm her.

Stef sighed and looked at their daughter.

“Come on now Sof, you're alright.”

Sofie pouted at her, but Stef held her a little lower into the warm water and her daughter quickly forgot what had happened and whisked a hand into the water again.

“Yeah that's right, get Papa back,” encouraged Stef, giving him a smile to let Jan know he was forgiven.

Seb and Mark stayed slightly to the side, Mark holding Teddy with his arms as a basket to lie him safely in the water. At eleven months old Sofie seemed a lot more work than their own little one, but hopefully they had all that to look forward to.

  
  


  
  


Later on after lunch they sat on the floor in the lounge, the adults entertaining the babies with their toys. Mark held Teddy resting on a cushion on his knee while Seb danced a teddy bear above him trying to get him to smile as the baby reached haphazardly for it. They had a selection of teddy bears to choose from now, but this particular one had been sent as a present by Stef and Jan so he had brought it down to show them they appreciated it. Sofie was sat in the middle of the group, currently enjoying bashing down her chubby little hand on a plastic toy with a row of coloured shapes which played a different note when hit. Each time it worked Sofie giggled and tried to copy her parents by clapping her hands. Sebastian smiled to Mark thinking how lovely the sound of baby laughing was.

“Pa-pah!” shouted Sofie.

“Yes Liebling, I'm right here, very good,” smiled Jan.

Teddy murmured something as he looked up at his parents and Mark huffed a laugh.

“Maybe he is trying? You saying hello kiddo?”

Teddy moved his mouth about, then put his hand near it. Seb reached and tried to let Teddy hold his finger, but the baby seemed to move it so he could suck on it and Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Think he's telling us he's hungry.”

“Mm.”

Mark puffed a little breath. Their baby would be crying in a few minutes if he really was hungry. He didn't want to set Sofie off, so Mark lifted Teddy complete with cushion and transferred him to Seb.

“I'll go get his bottle.”

“I can.”

“Nah, my turn, you stay here.”

Mark stood and Stef looked up at him.

“I should do Sofie one too for before we go,” she decided, making to get up.

“I can do it,” Mark offered.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it's all in there. You guys stay here.”

 

Mark left them to it and headed to the kitchen, leaving them to chat and play with the babies. Sebastian let Teddy suck on his finger and Stef gave him a smile.

“Not succumbed to dummies?”

Seb looked up at her.

“Oh well I'm never really sure if they're a good idea. The books seemed divided.”

Jan gave him a smile.

“I think the books don't seem to matter so much when it helps your kid stop crying the house down.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah. Anyway not so far. Sofie doesn't have them does she?”

“No.”

“Mostly cos I think she'd just end up dropping them and crying more if she lost them,” added Stef.

“Ah. Well he's fine for now.”

“Good.”

 

Sofie turned to look where her parents were looking and spied the teddy bear by Sebastian's leg. She reached to grab it and Stef's hand shot out to stop her.

“Hey, now that's Teddy's.”

Sofie tried again so Jan picked it up and passed it to Seb who sat it with Teddy on his lap. Thus denied Sofie scowled, then started crying. Jan sighed and picked her up.

“No Sofie. You can't have everything.”

“Pah-pah,” she replied angrily.

“No Liebling.”

Sofie glared at him and tried crying for another moment before subsiding when it didn't work to get her what she wanted.

“She can have it,” offered Seb.

Stef shook her head.

“No it's Teddy's.”

Sofie turned away from Jan and reached for her mother, so Stef took her and wiped her cheeks.

“Come on Schätzchen, you've got your toys. Here, play with bunny,” tried Stef.

She placed a soft toy bunny rabbit into her daughter's hand but Sofie dropped it, unsatisfied. Stef sighed and looked to Jan.

“How can toddler tantrums start this early?” she complained.

“We've got more teddies up in the nursery,” offered Seb. “Want me to find her another?”

“She'll be alright.”

Sofie started crying again and Teddy began wriggling in response, about to join in, so Jan buckled.

“Actually Seb if it's alright?”

“Course, just grab whatever you want.”

Jan caught Stef's eye, but he didn't think that when they were just finishing their stay was the time to push being stricter with their daughter. He stood up and went towards the door.

“I'll just check we're all packed while I'm up there.”

“Okay,” agreed Stef. As he walked out she looked at Sofie and raised an eyebrow. “Got your way. Hmm.”

 

She looked up to see Seb smiling at her.

“I'm the mean one,” she admitted.

“Ah you're not. We keep saying we don't want to spoil Teddy, but it's hard. He has so many toys that people have sent already.”

Stef smiled back.

“Oh well. That's nice.”

“Yeah it is. I guess we're lucky nobody has said anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like publicly,” Seb explained. “I'm almost amazed it's not got out as gossip.”

“Oh I see. Well only family and friends. They're on your side aren't they?”

“Work too.”

Stefanie huffed a laugh.

“They're also on your side.”

“I guess they are. I think if we were into the season the jungle drums in the paddock would spread this in about five minutes, so I suppose we got lucky with the timing.”

“So good things _can_ happen,” pointed out Stef.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh back and nodded before looking back to Teddy who was still making do sucking his finger to distract him while he waited for his bottle.

“Yeah. Really good things.”

 

Stefanie smiled and looked to her own child. Typically now her father had gone to get her a toy to make her happy, Sofie had cheered up and Stef guessed she wouldn't even be fussed about a teddy bear by the time Jan brought one down. She set her down on the carpet again and Sofie returned to bashing her musical toy. Stef rolled her eyes at how mercurial she could be.

“I wish you could stay longer,” admitted Seb.

“Yeah me too.”

Seb paused. He wanted to promise that they would visit, but he had no idea how their schedule was going to pan out. He was really hoping Teddy proved to be a good traveller.

“We could always send the plane for you to come again,” he offered.

Stef laughed and shook her head.

“Don't be silly.”

“No really. We're going to be using it this year. I think it's the only way we'll manage,” Seb confessed.

“That's different.”

“Well the offer stands.”

“Okay. Very kind, thanks. Oh, bother. That makes me think; I should have asked Mark if he'd do an extra bottle so we've got one for the flight.”

“I'll go.”

Stef gave him a look.

“ _I_ 'll go. You okay with them both for a mo?”

“Sure.”

Stefanie stood up while Sofie was busy looking at the toy she was playing with and went to nip into the kitchen, hoping her daughter was too occupied to notice her temporary absence.

  
  


“Hey.”

Mark turned around to see his sister-in-law entering the kitchen.

“Oh hey, you alright? I'm just doing Teddy's first. It's nearly ready. Hope you don't mind?”

“Course not.” Stef came to stand next to him. “It's kind of you. I just realised I ought to get Sofie's flight bottle ready too.”

“Ah right.”

“I bet you're getting good at doing all this with your eyes half-closed,” she joked.

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Yep. I reckon I could do it in my sleep now. Actually I might be pretty much asleep half the time. Good job this machine does most of it for you.”

Stefanie smiled thinking it was no surprise that they had gone for the most high-tech option possible when you could manage with a kettle and boiled water, but it was rather nifty and saved a fair bit of time, though lord only knew what it had cost them.

“We're not keeping you from getting a nap are you?” she enquired.

“Oh no that's alright. We'll see if we can snag one after you've gone.”

Stefanie nodded.

“Half-three you booked the taxi, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark went to open his mouth again but Stef shook her head.

“Before you offer as well, we're really fine with a taxi, but thank you.”

Mark laughed at how predictable they were.

“Right. Okay then.”

“Far easier to be dropped off and one of you doesn't have to waste two hours traipsing about in the car while you should be getting some rest when we're gone.”

“Well I'm not going to argue.”

“I've already told Seb twice.”

“I'm sure you have.”

Stefanie looked at him and laughed.

“Am I that bossy?”

“No no. It's good. You're just firm. Typical big sister, and I mean that in the best sense.”

Mark gave her a smile and Stef smiled back.

“You must miss your sister.”

“I do. Yeah it's a shame she's so far. You too. We could all do with living closer.”

“That's true. Well I won't press when I know you'll have a lot on your plate this year, but I also told Seb you're welcome any time.”

“Thanks. And likewise.”

“Thank you.” Stef let out a little sigh. “I really do wish we could see more of each other. It's not the same over the phone is it?”

“No.”

Stefanie shook her head.

“Sorry Mark, I know we're not so far when your family are all the way on the other side of the world.”

“Mm. I dunno. I am kindof used to it, but I notice it more now we have Teddy.”

“Yeah. I'm sure they do too.”

“Mm.”

“Sorry, I'm not helping am I?” apologised Stef.

“Oh no you are. Seb's loving having you here. Well we both are obviously.”

“I'm less stressful than Mum visiting.”

Mark simply smiled and Stef nodded, knowing he didn't want to say so.

“Thank you for suggesting you delay coming,” offered Mark.

“Oh no it's fine. I know what it's like.”

“Exactly.”

 

Stefanie paused.

“Except of course I don't. It's so much more for you to deal with. Social workers and case workers poking their noses in judging you. That can't help.”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno. They're really as supportive as they can be. It's just... you know, the rest.”

“Yeah.” Stef glanced towards the door, then back to Mark. “I hadn't realised how worried he was.”

Mark sighed out a breath and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“You too I guess.”

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“Some. It's worse for Seb. It's not that I don't worry too, just...”

Mark stopped, not wanting to betray Seb even to his sister. They looked at one another and Stef nodded, guessing that Mark wouldn't say how anxious Seb got and how he could spin himself up with it. Stef knew that whatever she knew of it, Mark knew a hell of a lot more.

“Is there anything we can do?” she tried.

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“Thanks but we've just got to hope for the best, you know?”

“Yeah.”

The machine behind him beeped and Mark retrieved the warmed bottle, testing it before placing one of Sofie's in and setting that up to prepare.

“I should take this through, or do you want to?” asked Mark.

“Oh no you go. I'll sort Sof's. Thanks.”

Mark nodded.

“Thank you by the way. It's really good having you guys here this weekend.”

“Ah we're just here to use your pool,” joked Stefanie.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Thought so. Right, see you in a sec.”

 

Mark went back to the lounge, sitting back down with Seb who had picked up Teddy who was just beginning to fuss, thankfully silencing the moment he was given his bottle. Jan was sat with Sofie now, introducing her to Lewis's huge teddybear which Sofie snuffled into with a big smile on her face.

“Uh oh,” smiled Mark. “She's gonna want to take that with her.”

“I think we'd need to buy an extra seat on the flight,” observed Jan. “Where'd you get this?”

Seb looked up from making sure Teddy was happy with his bottle.

“Oh Lewis brought it when he came on Friday,” he explained.

Jan shook his head and laughed.

“Lewis as in Lewis Hamilton?”

“Oh um, yeah.”

Jan looked down at Sofie who was crawling almost on top of the teddy bear now.

“Don't dribble on it Sof, we could sell that on eBay.”

Mark chuckled and turned to stroke their Teddy's cheek as he suckled on his bottle. Their son didn't care that he had gifts from the rich and famous. Lewis seemed to enjoy living the life of a celebrity whereas he and Seb wanted no part of that, even less so for their little boy. The press would doubtless eat up a story about him visiting their new baby, but for all their differences, Lewis was a friend and they had to trust he would help protect their privacy.

He looked up and gave Seb a smile thinking about what his sister had said about him worrying. Mark was too, but he knew how anxious Seb could get. Maybe they could talk later?

  
  


  
  


 

By the time they were saying goodbye to their guests both Mark and Seb were quite sorry they were leaving. It had been nice to enjoy a bit of time with fellow new parents who they could have a guilt-free little moan with while knowing it would go no further. It had been good to introduce Teddy to his cousin Sofie as well, even if he was far too young to really understand. Despite being so far away from their families they wanted their son to know them and to be a part of their wider families. It was going to take a fair effort to make that happen.

They were tired though, so once their guests had left they took a nap before getting back up to tidy around a little. Then they made a simple dinner and by eight o'clock were half-asleep on the sofa. Mark's eyes drifted closed. He forced them back open, jerking his head up and hurriedly looking down to see that Teddy held in his arms was safe. Seb lifted his head from resting on Mark's shoulder.

“You okay Liebling?”

“Hm? Yeah, sorry sweetheart I was dropping off.”

“Do you want to go to bed?” queried Sebastian.

“Both of us?”

Sebastian sat up and smiled at him, seeing how bleary Mark looked.

“Of course. I wouldn't stay up without you. Pass him here and we'll go up.”

Mark took in a deeper breath to wake his brain a little.

“You don't want to watch this?” he checked, indicating over to the television.

“Nah it's okay.”

“'kay.”

Mark handed over Teddy to Seb then reached for the remote control to turn the television off. They got up, Seb pausing in the hallway while Mark led the dogs into the kitchen and made sure they had all they needed. Teddy was snuffling about in Seb's arms making murmuring noises.

“Shh Kleiner, we're going to bed now, shhh,” Sebastian soothed.

He rocked the baby slightly in his arms looking down at him. Teddy's eyes, much like his father's had been, were half-closed, as if he was unsure whether to let himself drop off or fight to stay awake. Seb gave him a smile, wondering if he ought to go straight up or wait on Mark. He was just about to go upstairs when Mark emerged from the kitchen shutting the door behind him.

“Sorry, they needed some water.”

“S'alright. Think he's gonna fall asleep.”

Mark came closer and looked in at their son.

“Me too. Let's go to bed darling.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


They had already been up once for Teddy when Seb woke again a couple of hours later. He sat up suddenly and looked over to the crib wondering if the baby had woken him, but as Seb peered over in the low light he could see that their son was still asleep. He watched him for a moment, listening in the quiet of the night to hear him breathing steadily. Teddy was fine. Sebastian checked the time; 12.45am. Not really time for a feed seeing as he'd had one around 11pm, though if Teddy wanted one he would let them know. Sebastian continued to watch to see if there was any indication the baby was hungry or if anything else was bothering him, but he didn't stir. It couldn't have been Teddy who woke him.

Seb reached over and took a drink from the glass of water on the drawers by his side of the bed. He glanced to see Mark was asleep as well. Seb put the glass back and let out a sigh. His brain was awake now. He wished it was morning already so they could get on and sign the papers with Rachel.

Seb looked over to his phone on the side. Even the sight of it made him anxious at the moment which he knew was stupid when he couldn't imagine what kind of crisis could occur that would lead either Rachel or Britta to ring at nearly one am Sunday night, or more accurately Monday morning. It would have to be something disasterous. Would they do that? Probably even then they would wait until a reasonable hour. Sebastian closed his eyes, knowing he was being irrational worrying in the middle of the night. He took a calming breath and looked back over to Teddy again. It was tempting to pick him up, just to hold him close and feel him safe breathing in his sleep, but Seb knew that would just disturb him. Teddy was happy where he was, just sleeping, safely sleeping, their beloved baby boy.

  
  


 

Mark woke up feeling the absence of his husband's body lying with him. He opened his eyes half-expecting to find Teddy fussing and that Seb had gone on down to fetch a bottle for him, but he could hear no crying and as he looked in the low-light Mark saw Sebastian sat up on the edge of the bed, his back to him as he faced the crib. Mark sat up too and put a hand on Seb's shoulder.

“Sweetheart?”

Sebastian took in a breath and turned to look.

“Hm? Sorry.”

“Is he awake?”

Sebastian shook his head and Mark frowned.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. Sorry, go back to sleep Liebling.”

“What time is it?”

Seb looked. He didn't know how long he had been sat there, but it was a surprise to see that over an hour had passed.

“Ten to two,” he stated.

Mark shifted to sit beside Seb on the side of the bed.

“Why are you awake?”

Seb shrugged.

“I don't know. I think I wasn't properly. I didn't realise how long had passed.”

Mark frowned more.

“How long have you been up?”

“'bout an hour.”

Mark sighed.

“Are you worrying?”

Seb shrugged again.

“A bit. I think my brain's a bit fried.”

Mark put his arm around him.

“Darling it'll be alright.”

Seb nodded, then looked properly to Mark.

“I just... I don't know. It's just sort-of spinning in my head and I can't shut it off.”

“What is?”

“All of it. The adoption, the media, what's going to happen.”

“It's going to be okay,” Mark reassured.

“Is it though?” worried Seb.

“Yes.”

Sebastian squashed his face about.

“I just can't help thinking of all the worst things that could happen,” he admitted. Seb shook his head. “I know most of it's illogical and I'm just being paranoid.”

Mark nodded.

“It's alright. This is going to be a difficult week, but we'll get through it. We always do.” He huffed a quiet laugh so as not to wake the baby. “One comfort of having gone through stuff before darling is we do know that. We get through it.”

“Mm.” Seb sighed. “Okay, I will feel better a week from now.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes sweetheart. I mean with Rachel I'm really sure we're fine now, we just have to wait a few hours to sign those papers, but I'm not much looking forward to going public.”

“I wish we didn't have to,” admitted Seb. “Not to keep him a secret, but just to have to have a fuss.”

“Mm, hopefully there won't be too much.”

“I know Britta's doing all she can, and the legal team.”

“Exactly.”

“I just want to get to the other side so it's done.”

“Well we will. We'll just let Britta and the PR teams and the lawyers do their thing while we ignore them.”

“Ignore Britta?”

Mark huffed another little laugh.

“No the media.”

“Ah. Yeah.”

 

Mark reached his other arm around Seb to envelop him.

“We've done all we can. From here on in we just have to hope for the best and hang in there, put it to the back of our minds as much as possible and just live our lives.”

Seb gave him a tired smile.

“Just keep swimming.”

Mark smiled back.

“Practically our family motto.”

“I suppose we can actually do it, you know keep busy, take Teddy swimming.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian slipped his arms around Mark's middle and pressed into him. He tried to absorb the feeling of Mark's body steady breathing and prayed again, like a desperate chant; _P_ _lease be okay, please be okay._ He opened his eyes and looked over to the crib; their baby boy, theirs. Seb wanted to snatch him up and clutch him into his body, Mark's arms protecting them both, but he left the baby to sleep in peace. Mark looked into those anxious eyes and Seb looked back, seeking assurance in their warmth.

“Just tell me it'll be okay Liebling,” he appealed.

Mark leaned in to press his cheek into Seb's

“It'll be okay sweetheart,” he reassured softly.

“Thank you.”

 

They sat for another minute absorbing the comfort of being close, then Seb turned his arm slightly to look at the tattoo on his wrist. They had been through tough challenges before and made it to the other side. He just had to trust the same would be true this time. He let out a heavy breath and Mark gave him a little squeeze before turning his head to kiss Seb's cheek.

“C'mon let's lie down before this little one decides he needs something.”

The both looked over at the crib and right on cue Teddy began snuffling about, a hand sneaking out from under his blanket to brush at his face as he murmured sleepily.

“Uhoh, spoke too soon,” noted Mark resignedly, letting go of Seb to lean forwards so he could see.

“Did we wake him?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head as Teddy's eyes flickered open and he murmured a little louder.

“Nah I think it's about snack-time.”

He got up just in time as the baby started moving his face about as if to begin announcing his request to his parents. Mark lifted Teddy out and sat back on the bed.

“Hey sweetheart, we're here. Are you peckish? Is that it?”

Sebastian reached to undo a few poppers on the babygro to peek and see if Teddy needed a nappy change, then re-did them. Teddy was pressing his cheek into Mark's chest and letting out discontented noises.

“It's alright Liebling,” soothed Seb. “We'll get your bottle, just give me a sec.”

He got up off the bed, looking for slippers and hoody to pull on.

“It's my turn,” noted Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's okay. I'm more awake. I'll go.”

“'kay.”

 

As Seb left to go downstairs Mark shuffled back into bed, sitting half propped up then pulling the duvet cover up with a spare hand. Teddy let out another noise, then as Mark stroked over his arm he let out a little sigh. Mark smiled down at him.

“Have your milk in a minute darling. Papa's getting it.”

  
  


Once fed Teddy started dropping off again before he finished the bottle, so Seb took him to wind him then lay him back in his crib, Teddy's little limbs limp in sleep as he tucked him back in and very gently stroked over the soft whisps of hair on his head.

“That's it Schatz, you sleep.”

As Seb climbed back into bed Mark shifted to lie down and put his arm around Seb. They looked at one another in the low-light and Mark stroked over Seb's side.

“Think you can do the same?” he checked.

Seb smiled.

“Mm. I'm kindof knackered now Liebling.”

“Yeah, sleep then or you'll be fit for nothing in the morning.”

“Mm,” replied Seb sleepily.

He settled himself in to lie against Mark's chest and Mark fitted his arms around him to keep him close.

“Don't be fretting about things, okay?”

“'kay.”

“We'll get through this week,” assured Mark, “We'll just batten down the hatches and wait for the storm to pass.”

Seb rubbed his cheek slowly into Mark's chest. His t-shirt felt warm and soft. Safe here. Safe in their little bubble. Mark tightened his arm around him a little.

“We'll pull up the drawbridge darling, just for a few days.”

“Safe in our castle.”

“That's right, safe in our little castle.”

“Yeah.”

Mark angled his head to kiss Seb's forehead.

“Just sleep sweetheart, soon be tomorrow.”

He kissed Sebastian's forehead and as Mark felt Seb slow his breathing he closed his own eyes and shutting out all their concerns about the coming week, they both fell asleep.

  
  


  
  


It was probably a couple of hours later, though neither of them knew for sure if it wasn't just a few minutes after they dropped off that the familiar _'wah, wah'_ of Teddy appealing for their attention burrowed into their consciousness. Sebastian sleepily tried pushing himself off Mark to get up, but Mark kissed his cheek.

“My turn. It's okay.”

Sebastian mumbled something that was meant to be thanks and dropped back down into the pillow. Mark forced his own eyes wider and climbed out of the nice warm bed, shoving his feet into slippers to go around to the crib, pulling on an unzipped hoody as he went. The baby was protesting miserably, his little face scrunching up and his arms and legs flailing. Mark lifted him out and held Teddy so he could see him.

“Shh darling,” he whispered. “Let Papa sleep a bit.”

Mark took Teddy out, shutting the door behind him and went into the nursery, flicking on the light and laying the baby down on the changing table.

“Now then, let's just check... Ah.”

Mark started to undo his son's babygro so he could change his dirty nappy. The baby continued to wail unhappily, making the task harder as he kicked his little legs.

“No c'mon now, let me do this and you'll feel better mate I promise.”

 

A minute or two later Mark had succeeded in changing and cleaning him and he started redressing Teddy who was beginning to subside at last. Mark dried his tears then picked him back up, holding his son against his chest, turning his head to look at him.

“There now. That's better isn't it kiddo?”

Teddy sniffled so Mark spared a hand to stroke over his back to soothe him.

“Are you hungry too mate? Hm?”

He'd failed to look at the time in his haste to take the baby out of the bedroom, but seeing as it was pitch dark outside Mark presumed it was still the middle of the night. As Teddy settled quickly, letting out quieter noises, Mark guessed he couldn't be hungry just yet. He stood in the middle of the room for a minute moving the baby with his body to soothe him, then Mark decided that sitting down was a better option and sat in the rocking chair, moving gently back and forth to get Teddy back to sleep before he put him down.

 

The baby's breathing steadied, but he was still awake, staring up at Mark with those bright blue eyes.

“There now lovely, you're alright. Daddy's here. We'll have a little sit, then go back to bed, yeah?”

Mark held Teddy in one arm and pulled his open hoody so it wrapped around the baby to keep him warm.

“There we go. That's better isn't it kiddo?”

The baby looked up to him and Mark gave him a smile.

“You don't need to worry about a thing Teddy. It's all going to be okay. Just you sleep sweetheart. We'll take care of you. Daddy and Papa will take care of you. Always darling, because we're your parents and we love you.”

Mark took a deep breath, gazing down at the baby and reaching to stroke his soft little cheek.

“You're our son and we don't need a piece of paper to prove it.”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“Except of course we kinda do, but only for others, not us, cos we already know. We knew the moment we held you, just like this, we knew you were ours.”

The baby seemed to smile and Mark smiled back at him, speaking softly to ease Teddy back to sleep.

“Yeah we did, we knew right away. We knew you were our baby. So nothing's gonna change that. We've just gotta get through getting all official and then your papa can stop fretting and we won't need to think about any of that and we'll just be fine. We'll be fine darling. We'll be fine.”

 _And if I say that often enough_ Mark thought, _I'll believe it myself and I can stop worrying too._

The baby's eyes were beginning to flicker closed so Mark gave him another smile and stroked over his arm. His parents' worries weren't for him. He leaned down and kissed his son's tiny nose, so lightly the baby couldn't even feel it. He was asleep now. Peaceful and untroubled sleep that his parents only wished they could have too.

“That's it,” Mark whispered, “you just sleep sweetheart, everything's gonna be okay.”

He let out a slow breath and closed his eyes for a second, praying that was true.

  
  


 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe they really should have a drawbridge to pull up? It might make them feel better?


	204. Going Public - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of 2 parters at the mo, just how it's falling. Sorry for the delay - been a busy-ish week, but here we go, next bit.

* * *

  
  


 

They were up extra early on the Monday morning, trying to distract themselves from the tense wait until Rachel arrived by busily focussing on Teddy, tidying the kitchen, feeding the dogs and letting them out into the garden to run around, anything to take their minds off watching the clock on the wall tick to nine am. When it finally did, Seb began pacing up and down the kitchen.

“Where is she?”

Mark looked at him from where he sat holding Teddy.

“Darling it's one minute past.”

“She's late.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“That's a bit harsh. Come on, sit down and I'll put the kettle on.”

He reached out a hand and Sebastian sighed, coming over to take it before sitting on the next chair and accepting the baby so Mark could get up.

“Monday morning. There's probably traffic,” excused Mark.

“Round here?”

“No, but you know...”

Mark shrugged and flicked the filled kettle on. Sebastian took in a deep breath and looked to his son, trying to give him a more relaxed smile. Just as the water boiled the doorbell rang and Seb jumped, then sighed as Mark came to give his shoulder a rub.

“I'll get it,” Mark assured. “It's all gonna be fine sweetheart, yeah?”

Sebastian nodded and took a calming breath. It was all fine. Rachel was here and they could finally sign the papers they wanted to. Surely she wasn't going to present them with any kind of problem now? He looked down at Teddy and freed a hand to smooth over his little cheek, telling himself over and over in his head that it was all going to be fine.

 

The sound came through of the door closing and Seb could hear Mark talking, presumably with Rachel, in the hallway so he stood ready to greet them. Moments later they came through, Rachel all smiles as she placed her bag onto the kitchen table and leaned in to look at Teddy.

“Hi Rachel.”

“Hello. Someone's looking a bit sleepy.”

Mark placed a hand on Teddy's back where Seb held him into his chest.

“Been up a while haven't you mate?”

Rachel looked up to Seb.

“I was just saying to Mark, I'm so sorry I'm a bit late. I got stuck behind a tractor on the lanes and there was nowhere to get by.”

“Oh no that's okay. We weren't doing anything were we Liebling?”

Mark smiled at the casual way Sebastian said that, as if he hadn't been anxiously counting every second until Rachel arrived.

“Cup of tea or coffee?” offered Mark.

“Oh um, whatever you're having is fine, thank you.”

“Sweetheart?”

“Er, tea I think thanks Liebling.”

“Righto.”

Mark set about making tea while Sebastian indicated to a chair.

“Have a seat.”

“Thanks.”

 

Rachel let out a breath as the both sat down.

“Right, well how are you all? Good I hope?” she checked.

“Yeah, fine. Um Rachel, everything's alright isn't it? You know with signing the papers and stuff?” Seb asked, trying not to sound too anxious.

“Oh course.” Rachel looked at him a moment, frowning slightly. “That's what I'm here for.”

“Right, yeah course.”

Sebastian caught Mark's eye across the room. The way Rachel spoke it sounded silly to have thought anything else.

“I would have called if there was anything,” she reassured.

“Of course, yeah sorry, just, yeah we're just keen to get things sorted.”

Mark came over to put down mugs of tea for Rachel and Seb, standing behind him with a hand on his shoulder giving it a subtle little rub.

“We just want to get on with it, don't we sweetheart?” he added.

 

Rachel nodded and started pulling files out from her bag to set on the kitchen table.

“Of course, well we'll get right to it then. There is quite a bit to go through,” she warned.

Mark went to fetch his own tea and sat beside Sebastian, taking a sip before offering to take the baby so Seb could drink his, unsurprised when Seb shook his head, preferring to hold Teddy close.

“So we can just sign it all today?” checked Sebastian.

“Well we need to go through it first, but yes.” Rachel looked at them both, seeing how eager they seemed. “We just need to run through it all and have a chat, then I'll explain what happens next. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“So there's no reason to think there should be any issues?” double-checked Mark.

“Hopefully not, but the system just takes it's time.”

Sebastian let out a sigh and Mark slipped his hand onto his thigh under the table.

“But not with at least making the application,” Mark pressed.

“No we just need to go through it.”

“Right.”

“Lots of bureaucracy I'm afraid.”

“That's okay.”

Rachel gave them a reassuring smile.

“Now to start with I have to ask, though I'm pretty sure I know the answer already, you are sure you want to go ahead with the application to adopt?”

Mark coughed a little laugh.

“Yeah we're sure.”

“He's our son Rachel, we couldn't be more sure,” asserted Seb.

“Okay, that's great. You know I have to ask.”

“We understand,” allowed Mark, “but nothing's changed. He's been ours since day one, well, not quite, but from day one we met.”

Rachel nodded and looked at the baby now peacefully sleeping into Sebastian. She reached to give him a very gentle stroke on the arm.

“He seems very happy with you,” she assured. “I'm here to help you, that's all.”

“Thank you,” replied Sebastian.

“No problem. Now then, I'll run through all this.” She indicated the wodge of papers in front of her. “And then we can sign things off. I know you'd probably like to skip to that part, but I have a duty to go through it all with you, okay?”

“Okay.”

“That's fine Rach,” agreed Mark. “As long as we know we're on course.”

“Sure. Right then, let's begin.”

 

Rachel started going through all the documents, re-explaining the legal implications and how the whole process worked. Mark sipped his tea while Seb let his go cold. Teddy slept in his arms, entirely unaware of the momentous implications of all this for his life. Teddy was warm and full, safely held by his father. He didn't care about paperwork. His parents could currently think of little else.

  
  


It seemed to take forever before Rachel had not only gone through it all, but re-gone through it discussed everything and then finally reached for a pen to show them where they needed to sign. Seb had brought a pen as well 'just in case' which had made Mark smile, but now that Rachel offered hers over and Mark took Teddy after putting his signature to the documents, Sebastian was sure his own signature would come out shaky. He took a deep breath and calmed himself, reminding himself that this was what they had been waiting for, so it made no sense to be nervous now.

“Okay then, there we go,” smiled Rachel as she added her own signature to the last page. She looked up at the couple. “Feel good to get that done?”

“Oh my god, it feels great. Such a relief,” let out Seb, the emotion evident in his voice.

Rachel huffed a little laugh.

“Still a way to go until it's all finalised I'm afraid, but this is a very important step.”

“It feels pretty huge,” admitted Mark.

“I'm sure. And I'm sure you wish it would all be sorted and finalised much sooner, but there's nothing we can do to speed the system up.”

“We know, it's okay.”

“Good. So what I'll do is I shall hand deliver this myself today and then when I get official confirmation that it is in the system as it were, then I'll call you and let you know. That should be tomorrow.”

Mark and Seb nodded. They were sadly getting to know that bureaucracy meant nothing happened in a hurry, even getting someone to say they had a document they already had.

“That's fine, thank you,” accepted Mark. “So when we've got that I can let my team know they're okay to release the statement about me taking time out?”

“Yes. And you Seb, your team with theirs?”

“Well it's not really a statement, but yes they'll put out the tweet saying congratulations and Britta will get on with handling the media.”

“Very good. Okay well feel free to give her my number in case she wants to ask me something.”

“Thanks.”

“And then, well seeing as this is a slightly unusual situation I thought we'd see how we are and I can give you a ring at the end of the week, just to check in,” offered Rachel.

Sebastian nodded, feeling more anxious again.

“Rachel you know there's bound to be some fuss in the papers.”

“Sweetheart we've been through this,” noted Mark.

Seb looked to him.

“I know but...”

“Seb it's okay,” reassured Rachel. “I understand that you will do all you can to protect Theo from any intrusion into his privacy. Stories in the newspapers stating that you are adopting a child, or even speculation around it, that's not going to halt your application, okay?”

Seb nodded, biting his lip slightly.

“Okay. I really wish there'd be none.”

“I know you do. It's fine. I'll keep an eye on it and if anything concerns me I will contact you, but don't panic about there being some coverage. I will be able to explain about that in my recommendations.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes thanks Rachel, we really appreciate it,” added Mark.

“It's fine. We can have a chat on Friday to see where we are, or if you are concerned in the meantime, call me, but so long as there's nothing specific with his personal details I really wouldn't panic. You've got all those legal restrictions in place haven't you?”

“We have.”

“There we are then.”

“I think, I mean hopefully by Friday, if stuff goes out tomorrow then maybe a day or two of stores and then it should blow over shouldn't it Liebling?”

Mark nodded.

“Yep, storm in a teacup, I'm sure.”

“Good,” agreed Rachel. “Well remember I'm here if you want to talk at any time, but I'm sure it will be fine. Then after that we just need to do our regular visits so I can see how you're all doing. Just every six weeks as best we can. I know you're going to be travelling a bit. Do you think we could get our diaries out, at least schedule the next one?”

“Sure. Seb?”

“Oh um, yeah our joint one's in the study isn't it?” Seb checked.

“Should be.”

“Right, just be a moment.”

 

Sebastian nipped off to fetch the diary and they sat at the table working out when they would be available closest to the six week mark.

“So the twenty-ninth then?” checked Rachel. “Make it Wednesday morning and give you a bit of time to recover from travelling?”

“If that's alright?”

“Fine. Say ten?”

“Ten is good, right sweetheart?” encouraged Mark.

“Yep, fine.”

Sebastian looked at the diary. The end of March seemed a long way off, but he supposed like today it would be on them soon enough. He wondered how they would cope travelling as a family. They still needed to arrange exactly when they went out to Australia, but Mark's parents were keen to see them and Leanne hadn't met Teddy all yet, so he was sure they would have to leave plenty of time for that. They just needed to work out the details.

Rachel marked it in and nodded.

“There we go then. All set. It's just another home visit to check in, see how you are.”

Seb and Mark nodded. They knew she wrote her reports from her observations each time despite her attempts to keep thing low-key and casual, but hopefully there ought not to be anything to concern her. Rachel started filing everything away as Seb made a note in their own diary and then it was all goodbyes and more reassurances on both sides before Sebastian was showing her out. He returned to the kitchen and sat down beside Mark letting out a heavy sigh.

 

“All good then,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. Oh Liebling. Thank god. I mean I know it's not all sorted, but it feels important.”

“Cos it is. It's all good though, right? We're all signed, now we just have to wait for the system to grind through.”

“Yeah.”

Seb peered in to see Teddy still asleep.

“Typical.”

“Yeah. Ah well. Not like you get any say in any of this is it mate?”

Seb looked up to Mark from Teddy.

“He will be happy won't he Liebling?”

“Course he will. It'll all be fine.”

Sebastian let out a shaky breath and Mark spared an arm to pull him in.

“It's alright sweetheart. We've done it now, we've applied. We just have to wait.”

Seb nodded tightly.

“I just. I've been so worried.”

“I know.”

Seb closed his eyes to calm himself down and Mark rubbed over his arm.

“It's done. Okay darling? We've signed the papers. We're on our way now.”

Sebastian looked up at him.

“It will be okay?”

“It will. We've just got to wait.”

“But the media?”

“We'll handle it, Britta, the teams, they'll help and it will be okay.”

 

Seb nodded. He'd worried something would go terribly wrong before they got here and nothing had, so maybe everything else would just be fine too? He'd been driving himself crazy in the night fretting and now he felt tiredness creeping up on him. They'd signed the papers to apply to adopt Teddy. That was the main thing.

“Okay.” Sebastian took in another deep breath. “I'm so glad that's done.”

“Me too.”

Mark leaned over to give Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“So, all we need to do is wait for Rachel to call tomorrow, then we ring our teams, set things in motion.”

“And duck for cover,” finished Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh, glad to hear Seb sounding a bit more upbeat.

“Yeah. Ah well. Right, what now then?”

“Um, I guess I should tidy up.”

Mark chuckled as he let Seb go. That was their life; no grand celebrations, just tidying the kitchen before their housekeeper arrived to actually clean up.

 

Sebastian cleared away the mugs, then caught sight of the dogs in the back garden through the window. It wasn't freezing out there, but the day was pretty grey and dull so he let them in and gave them a rub to warm them up. Pauline was delaying her arrival until eleven today to give them space so it felt as though they were rather at a loose end when everything had been focussed on the start of the day. He stood up looked to Mark.

“What shall we do now then?”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“Dunno. He's not up to much. Shall we just have a cuddle on the sofa until Pauline arrives?”

“Yeah that sounds nice.”

“Great.”

Mark stood as Seb washed his hands and they let the dogs come with them, the whole family settling into the lounge letting out a metaphorical breath before they faced the next challenge. Mark held Teddy supported by a cushion, Seb leaning into him, his head resting on Mark's shoulder while Shadow and Simba lay at their feet. Seb reached a hand to ghost over Teddy's cheek then looked up to Mark who smiled and kiss Seb's nose to make him smile too, then they both gazed down at their son, still fast asleep and oblivious to the relief his parents felt, focussing on having reached this far and having taken the vital step of officially applying to adopt him, ignoring all other concerns for now.

  
  


  
  


  
  


The next morning they were back in the kitchen, both phones set out in front of them on the table as they had given up pretending they weren't watching them waiting for Rachel to ring. It was nearly half an hour of sipping tea and giving the dogs a stroke while Teddy lay sleepily full of breakfast in Seb's arms before Mark's phone finally rang and they both jumped, Teddy waking and fussing as Seb stood to soothe him while Mark grabbed up the phone to answer.

“Hello. Yes, hi. Um yeah he's here. Hang on.”

Mark looked around to see Sebastian jigging Teddy slightly, hushing him. He paused for moment hoping their son would quiet, then set the phone to speaker as Seb came back to the table to join him.

“Sorry Rachel,” apologised Seb. “I'm here.”

“Is he alright?”

“Just the phone ringing,” Mark explained.

“Oh I see. Sorry.”

“No no. We just didn't want to miss you. Anyway. Everything okay?”

“Yes all fine. I was just waiting for the confirmation email. I've sent it on to you so you have it.”

Sebastian let out a sigh and kissed the top of Teddy's head.

“That's great, thanks Rachel,” Mark replied.

“So we're okay to tell our teams they can put stuff out now?” checked Seb.

“Yes. Just remind them that if they are going to mention it they should be clear that you are in the process of applying to adopt, not that you have adopted.”

“Right.”

Sebastian looked back down at Teddy. He would far rather be able to say the latter, but they had to be accurate about the situation.

“That's fine Rachel. They know that,” assured Mark.

“Okay, well, we've really been over everything so I think you're all set.”

“So everything's fine?” checked Seb.

“It's in the system. Just a waiting game now really until we get to the next milestone. I've included all my reports as has Laura and the midwife's, now it will be reviewed and passed to the next stage ready for when I come for my next official visit in March.”

Sebastian nodded and looked to Mark. The word 'reviewed' made him nervous, but they just had to hope for the best.

“Okay Rachel well thank you. So you'll ring on Friday afternoon?” Mark checked.

“I will. I'm sure all will be well.”

Seb puffed a little breath, then managed a weak smile as Mark smiled to him at Rachel sounding so positive.

“Hope so. Okay then.”

“Thanks Rachel,” Sebastian added.

“No problem. Well I'll let you go and call your teams. Remember I'm here if you or they need me.”

“Cheers.”

“Yes thanks. For everything.”

“Alright, well bye for now.”

 

They said their goodbyes and hung up, Seb and Mark looking to each other.

“Shall we take turns?” wondered Mark.

“I guess.”

“Righto. I might as well go first.”

  
  


Seb's phone-call to Britta and Christian lasted rather longer than Mark's to his team, but seeing as they had been over everything with them all more than once it was mostly a matter of confirming things and giving the okay to go and within half an hour they were both sat back at the kitchen table.

“Christian asked if he was still okay to come for Sunday lunch,” noted Seb.

“Oh god I'd forgotten about that,” admitted Mark.

“Shall we say no then?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Nah, it's alright.”

“We've got Jess and JB popping over on Saturday afternoon as well.”

“Yeah but only for a couple of hours. Unless you think it's too much?”

“I think Christian just wants to check in with us really.”

“I'm sure he wants to see his godson too.”

“Yeah I guess. Hmm. Yeah okay. It's only people stopping by. Might be nice to have visitors if we're holing up all week.”

“Right, well text him yes then. I doubt Uncle Christian will stay long with all the work he's no doubt got,” noted Mark.

Sebastian smiled at hearing him called that. Is boss was always working. He suspected he was making time for lunch as he considered it another responsibility as well, though whether it was as boss or soon-to-be godfather, Seb wasn't sure.

“True,” he agreed.

Sebastian pushed out a long calming breath, then continued.

“Anyway Britta's getting to work and she says to just leave her to it, she's co-ordinating with Porsche so they'll put their tweet out just after the statement is released.”

“Out of the frying pan into the fire,” joked Mark.

“Oh god.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“C'mon, let's cheer ourselves up and call DC before our cover's blown. I'm betting his reaction will be fairly entertaining.”

Seb huffed a little laugh. They'd called their families the day before for rather more serious conversations and they'd need to call them again to let them know things were in motion, but perhaps it couldn't hurt to take five minutes to have a call with a friend who was going to get something of a surprise.

  
  


They transferred to the lounge, taking both phones with them just in case, and settled on the sofa, Seb hanging on to Teddy while Mark dialled.

“He-llo? Mark, long time no speak,” greeted David cheerily. “I was beginning to think you'd lost my number. How are you?”

“Good mate good, Seb's here,” Mark replied as he set the phone on his knee, hoping Teddy wouldn't kick it with his little foot where Seb held him on his lap.

“Oh hi Seb. Are we conference calling?”

“Um yeah kinda. Hi DC. How are you?”

“Fine. You looking forwards to testing?”

“Ha, um I guess.”

One and a half thousand miles away David frowned, wondering what this call was about.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah good mate,” assured Mark. “We just wanted to have a chat with you about something.”

“Oh?”

“Mm. We've um, got some news but we'd really appreciate it if you could keep the finer details to yourself.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, just... Ha this is tricky. Okay, listen there's gonna be an announcement put out by Porsche later, I'm not sure exactly what time, but until then we need to be able to trust you can keep this to yourself.”

“Of course. Something about the team?” wondered DC.

“Sort of. More about me, well, us, and it's important mate, really important.”

 

David frowned even more at their serious tone.

“Are you at home?” enquired Seb.

“Hm? Yeah, just in from a run. What's going on?”

“You really can't tell anyone,” insisted Sebastian.

“I won't.”

“It's personal. Really personal.”

“Okay, so..?”

Mark took a deep breath and puffed it out.

“Okay mate, so you promise not to tell anyone?”

“Sure.”

“It's big. Well it is for us and it's vital that you don't share any details with anyone, particularly not any of your media chums.”

DC sighed.

“I'm not permanently on duty you know.”

“No okay, just, well, hopefully you'll understand when we tell you.”

“Are you actually going to do that?” pushed DC.

Mark looked to Seb and smiled. They were just as paranoid as each other.

“I promise I can keep a secret whatever this is about,” DC intervened.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thanks DC,” added Seb. “Sorry, we're just fretting a bit.”

“That's alright, so what is it?”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh thinking this might have been easier if they had just sent a photo of Teddy as they originally had with their families, but the last thing they were going to do was hand a picture of their son to someone who worked in the media, even if he was vowing they could trust him.

 

“Okay, well as I mentioned Porsche are going to put out a statement later, so this is embargoed till then,” Mark began.

“Okay,” encouraged David. “Saying?”

“Saying that I won't be driving for them this year.”

“Oh. Oh wow.”

“He's not quitting, he's taking a year out,” interceded Seb.

“A year out?”

“A year off,” clarified Mark. “Well sort of. Not much time off actually. I'm taking a year's paternity leave so I don't imagine I'll have almost any time really off, but...”

“Hang on, hang on,” interrupted David. “Paternity leave? Did I hear that right?”

Mark smiled.

“Yep.”

“Paternity leave?”

“Yes mate. Paternity leave.”

“Paternity leave as in paternity leave?”

Mark chuckled at his apparent bemusement.

“Yeah. Paternity leave.”

“As in time off to look after a kid?”

“Hit the nail on the head mate. Time to look after a kid. Our kid. Our son.”

DC blinked and looked at his phone.

“You've got a son? I... Since when?”

“New Year. We've got a baby.”

“Oh my god!”

 

Mark smiled and Seb leaned in a little to the subject of their conversation who was currently letting out contented little gurgles, utterly unconcerned with what they were talking about.

“All this is confidential DC,” Seb warned.

“Yeah mate,” added Mark. “Everything past paternity leave you absolutely have to keep to yourself. We can trust you can't we?”

“Yeah, I mean of course,” recovered DC.

“It's really important,” emphasised Sebastian.

“Right, yeah okay.”

“It's essential mate,” explained Mark. “We might sound paranoid, but if any personal details get out about him it could really scupper our chances of being granted adoption and we just... We can't have any problems, so really absolutely nothing beyond I'm taking time out and we're in the process of adopting a child, no details at all, no names or dates or even that it's a he. Alright?”

“Alright.”

“You promise?” pressed Seb.

“I give you my word. Wow, so this is going out today?”

“Yes, but only that Mark's taking leave and RedBull just saying congratulations. We've put as many legal protections in place as possible, but we need to keep as much away from the media as we can.”

David managed a little laugh.

“As in folk like me?”

“Well, not quite. Hence the fact we're calling you,” pointed out Mark.

“I'm honoured.”

“So you will keep it to yourself?”

“I will. Wow, you're adopting a kid. That's massive.”

Mark huffed a laugh and stroked Teddy's cheek.

“Actually he's pretty tiny mate.”

“It's a baby?”

“He's a baby, yes. His name's Teddy.”

“Teddy? Aw really?”

“Yeah.”

“How old?”

“Six weeks now.”

“So you've just got him?”

“Oh um, not exactly. He came to us just after new year.”

“Oh right, yeah sorry you did say.” DC huffed a laugh. “I think my brain's struggling to keep up.”

“Mm, well we've had to keep it under wraps while things were in process, that's why we've not said anything,” explained Mark, “but we've applied for adoption now so we can at least let out a little.”

“But the bare minimum?”

“Indeed.”

“Blimey. A baby. You've got a baby.”

 

DC started laughing.

“What's so funny?” asked Seb.

“Just... Blimey. You've pulled yet another fast one. How do you manage it?”

Mark smiled.

“Living in the middle of nowhere mostly I reckon. Anyway, we wanted to tell you before you see it somewhere.”

“Right, okay, thanks.”

“We're telling you all this as a friend,” noted Mark. “Anyone else in the media gets no more than we're adopting a child and that's the lot. We won't be talking about it.”

“At all,” insisted Seb. “We're going to have to be really strict about it.”

“Okay.”

“It's legal stuff mate,” Mark explained. “We have to be seen to protect him.”

“It affects you adopting him?”

“It might.”

“I see. Okay. Right, well don't worry.”

“Thanks.”

“You might get a phone-call from Britta,” stated Seb. “I think she's concentrating on editors and main people and stuff, but I suspect she'll just work through her contacts list this week.”

“Giving the hard line?” smiled DC.

“Basically yeah.”

“Well I wouldn't wish to cross Britta.”

“Britta will play nicely,” stated Mark firmly. “Anyone messes with this and I won't be so nice.”

David raised an eyebrow at Mark's tone.

“Alright mate, message received. I shan't breathe a word.”

“Thanks, sorry. It's just there's nothing more important to us.”

“Of course. It's your kid right?”

“Exactly.”

“A baby. Blimey. This I have to see. Will you be at testing?”

“No mate, 'fraid not. You'll have to wait till Melbourne.”

“Ah okay. You're still going though, right Seb?”

“Course.”

“I guess I'll see you there then. You can show me some pictures. Assuming you're allowed?”

“I can show you pictures as a friend, it's just nobody's allowed to take any, or well, publish them.”

“I see. Well, that's great. I mean not that, but about the baby. What was his name again?”

“Teddy, but that's just between us.”

“Sure. Very nice. Goodness me this is a development. Wait until you tell JB,” smiled David.

“Ah, um.”

Seb looked to Mark who huffed a laugh.

“We've already told him.”

“Oh right. Oh okay, so, well, that's good. We're allowed to talk about it then?”

Mark smiled at DC seeming to think they were now monitoring all conversations.

“Yeah mate you're good with JB and Jess, but anyone beyond that in your little Monaco coven if you could steer clear of any details at all we'd appreciate it.”

“Sure.”

“Oh except Daniel,” added Seb.

“DannyRic? Ah you've told your team-mates then?”

“Of course.”

 

David smiled, noting that he was some way down the pecking order. He wondered how far down.

“Of course,” he echoed. “Well, I suppose I'd better let you get back to the little chap then.”

“Actually he's right here mate,” commented Mark.

“Is he?”

“We're just on the sofa.”

“I see. Great, well congratulations, that's pretty amazing news.”

“Thank you.”

“Yes thanks DC. We did want to tell you,” added Seb.

“I'm glad you did. I would have got a pretty big shock if I went on Twitter later I'm guessing.”

“Oh god, we don't even want to think about it,” admitted Mark. “We're just gonna turn off the wi-fi and shut ourselves off for a while.”

“Ah I see, yes. Probably wise. I shall refrain from commenting myself in case you're worrying.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Mate we're worrying about almost all of it right now.”

“I'm sure. Okay well I shall feign ignorance.”

“Cheers.”

“We really do appreciate it DC. We just have to protect him,” repeated Sebastian.

“Don't worry about me. You're talking to a friend here, not media, alright?”

“Thank you.”

“We'll let you go mate. I look forwards to seeing you in Melbourne.”

“Me too, all three of you. Ha, won't that be something?”

Mark smiled and shook his head at Seb as they said goodbye and hung up to call their families to let them know all was in process. Far away on another sofa in an apartment overlooking the harbour in Monaco David sat shaking his head.

“Well well. Unbelievable,” he muttered to himself. “A baby? How have the managed that?”

 

He shook his head and got up to go grab a shower thinking he would have a very interesting conversation with Jenson later. David stood under the water wondering just _how_ long he had known. As he dressed and came back through to the lounge he picked up his phone again, considering ringing Jenson, then changed his mind and texted Seb and Mark jointly.

DC: BTW not sure I properly said congrats. Think I'm in shock, but that's brilliant news. I shall be the soul of discretion I promise.

P.S. Quite the Valentine's gift for you two eh?

 

  
  


 

Back in England both their phones beeped with the message almost simultaneously barely moments after they had finished updating their families. Seb found a way to pick his up to check it just as Mark did despite him holding the baby, worrying what it might be.

“Just DC,” noted Mark.

“Yeah me too. Huh, doubling up,” agreed Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh while Sebastian smiled as they both read the same text, then they both got to the post-script at the end. Seb's mouth dropped open and Mark put a hand over his as they both realised that it was 14th February and what that also represented.

“Oh Liebling!”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“We forgot.”

“You did too?”

Mark smiled.

“Of course. We've got rather more pressing things on our mind.”

“Oh but I haven't even got you a card!”

Mark shifted his chair closer and put his arm around Seb.

“Sweetheart neither have I. It doesn't matter. Gifts, cards, they don't matter. I love you.” Mark kissed Sebastian on the cheek. “That's all that matters. And our son.”

He dipped in to kiss Teddy as well, then looked at Seb.

“DC's right. Can you think of a better Valentine's present than knowing we're properly in the process of adopting our little boy?”

Sebastian shook his head and welled up unexpectedly.

“No Liebling.” He swallowed and looked down at Teddy. “Nothing better except it being finalised.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Well just a little wait for that perfect present, but this one's pretty good for now.”

“It is. It's amazing.” Seb sighed, blinking back tears to look at their son. “Love you so much, more than anything.” He looked up to Mark and smiled. “Except you Liebling.”

Mark smiled back.

“I'm more than happy to be a joint tie darling.”

“I do love you so much,” asserted Seb.

“I know you do and I love you and we both love Teddy. What card could match that eh? Can't wrap it either.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark placed his hand under Seb's chin to turn it a little more so he could safely lean in without squashing their son, kissing Seb slowly before lifting away with a grin.

“Happy Valentine's day darling.”

“Happy Valentine's day Liebling.”

They smiled at one another and Mark reached in to stroke Teddy's cheek. He hoped against hope that nothing would come today to spoil their Valentine's day.

  
  


  
  


  
  


A while later Seb and Mark sat in the kitchen with Pauline who was taking her opportunity to hold the baby.

“I'm sure it'll all be okay,” she reassured. “People have babies every day. It can't be that big a story?”

Mark huffed a laugh. If only. They hadn't exactly 'had' a baby, they were adopting one. They were different. As ever.

“We hope not,” agreed Seb. “Britta's handling it and we've spoken to our teams and families. We just have to ride it out now.”

Mark put his hand into Seb's.

“We've done all we can.”

“Well you know you can rely on me don't you?” checked Pauline.

Mark smiled. It hadn't even occurred to them to ask her to not speak to anyone about this.

“Course we do.”

“Are you really expecting any trouble?”

He sighed.

“We just don't know. Probably depends what else the media have to write about. We don't tend to get the papers anymore. Are we missing anything going on at the moment?”

“Oh all politics stuff, I can't say I noticed much either,” admitted Pauline.

“Hm, well.”

“We're just not going to look at anything,” explained Sebastian.

“That sounds sensible. I shall keep my eyes peeled for anyone suspicious round and about, just in case,” offered Pauline.

Mark squeezed Seb's hand, knowing how even hearing that would worry him. He didn't much like the idea himself.

“Thanks. Hopefully we should be okay. We're putting out as little as possible and we're not going to talk to them, so without much to write, with any luck they'll get bored quickly and move on.”

“I'm sure they will dear.”

Pauline looked down at the baby in her arms and gave him a smile. How could anyone think it was okay to write intrusive stories that threatened the security and happiness of such a helpless little soul? If she caught any reporters coming near, Pauline would be very tempted to give them what for. She looked up to Seb and Mark and tried to read their eyes to see if they were worrying. Seb a little, Mark looked as though he already had his shoulders set for a fight. No one better _had_ come near, or she suspected things would not end well.

“Aren't you being good chick?” she praised Teddy, then gave Seb and Mark a reassuring smile. “I'm sure you'll be fine,” she assured calmly once more. “No need to worry.”

Mark stroked his thumb over the back of Seb's hand. No need to worry.

  
  


  
  


Once Pauline was gone Mark and Seb made a few more phone-calls to friends asking them not to comment if asked about things, receiving assurances from all that they wouldn't say anything. They had barely finished that when both of them were called back by their respective teams to say that it was time and they were putting out the releases. Seb hardly got half-way through his call with Britta before Teddy started wailing and he was reminded that they had more pressing priorities.

“Okay well that's fine. I've got to go, sorry.”

“Leave it with me,” asserted Britta. “I'll handle it. Just remember, no answering unrecognised numbers on your phone and try not to look at anything online or the papers.”

“I won't. Yes okay Teddy, I know.” Seb hitched Teddy up in his arms where he stood in the kitchen. “I've really got to go, sorry.”

“I can hear. Don't worry. I've got this. I won't ring until this evening unless I really have to.”

“Thanks, and thanks for all this.”

“No problem. You go change him or whatever.”

“Thanks. Bye then.”

 

Sebastian hung up and dropped the phone onto the kitchen counter to better hold Teddy with two arms. Just as he did so Mark came through.

“Everything alright?” he checked. “What's up buddy?”

Mark leaned in to the baby as Seb tried dipping his head down to sniff at Teddy's nappy. As he lifted up Seb could see the way Teddy was moving his mouth about and making pouting gestures.

“I think he might be hungry.”

“Mm, and Britta?”

“They're doing it now.”

“Mine said the same. Right, you want me to take him?”

“Can you do the bottle?”

“Sure.” Mark stroked over Teddy's arm. “It's alright kiddo. Calm down mate, just give us a minute.”

Sebastian lifted Teddy higher into him while Mark sorted out his milk. They were too busy caring for their son to worry in that moment about statements and tweets and calls that were being made to the media and the wider world learning about their family. Teddy was crying and needed food and comfort. That was far more important to Seb and Mark right now.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Towards the end of the day Britta fetched herself another cup of coffee, only realising as she stopped off in the little break-room kitchen down the corridor that she'd had no lunch. It had been that kind of day. It was gone five now so she decided there was no point and merely made herself a drink. There was some chocolate in her desk drawer, that would keep her going. She returned to her office and trawled through the internet for quarter of an hour to see how the land lay, then scrolled to Seb's number on her phone ready to give him an update. Nothing too terrible, though an awful lot of hot air on the subject. There were some pretty unpleasant opinions being shared on Twitter but she wasn't about to tell him that. Eggs and trolls weren't worth their concern.

Britta couldn't help herself going through all the things she found on Mark too, a lot more of which were about the driver side at Porsche as well as those opining on him having the audacity to take what Mark had insisted on being referred to as paternity leave. Britta wondered whether the fact Rosberg had recently chosen to quit F1 altogether, giving family as his reason, took a little sting out of the tail. Certainly many articles were making the connection and Britta suspected that follow-up pieces would spend a fair amount of time discussing how much strain racing put on family life.

So far despite some of the tabloids getting a little melodramatic with their online headlines to grab readers' attention, there was nothing too derogatory included. Britta was relieved that her morning spent going in hard with threats and warnings to editors and journalists alike seemed to have prevented them adding too much speculation about the child Seb and Mark were adopting. She was annoyed that somewhere along the line she or someone else in either RedBull or Porsche had let slip that it was a boy they were adopting. Either that or they had taken a fifty-fifty guess, but stories fed on one another and it was now a son that was being referred to.

Nothing to be done about that though. Britta was fairly satisfied that she had done all she could. She was tired. A call to Seb and then she would have a word with the PR team before they went home for the end of the day, then Britta thought she would do one last round up, check in with Christian and call it a day before more of this tomorrow.

 

She pressed dial and spent ten minutes reassuring both Seb and Mark that there was nothing that they need be overly concerned with.

“Really only what we expected,” she stated.

“So nothing specific on Teddy?” checked Seb.

“No only like I said, I'm sorry somehow they've got that it's a boy.”

Sebastian looked to Mark with Teddy in his arms.

“Okay. Well, I suppose that's not too bad.”

“They'll work that out eventually when they see us in the paddock,” noted Mark. “At some point in the future anyway. Don't worry about it Britta. Other than that though?”

“Other than that it's just a bit of over-excitement at the novelty,” she assured. “They'll calm down, though obviously tomorrow we may expect the story to be in the physical printed papers as well as online.”

“Right.”

“You've had no attempts to contact you?” Britta checked.

“Nope. Just family, friends.”

“Good. And no other... I mean nothing else of concern?”

Mark looked to Seb. He had been unable to stop himself going to the end of the drive to check the lane was clear, but the most exciting thing he'd seen was some dung dropped on the road by a passing horse.

“No it's been okay,” Sebastian replied. “Do you think it'll be worse tomorrow?”

Britta hid a sigh.

“I think there will be an accumulation of print media in addition to the rest, so do stay well clear of it, but once it peaks it should start to drop off.”

 _Hopefully_ , she didn't add.

“Okay. Well thanks.”

“I'll be on top of it all and if we just stick with this arrangement. I'll only call at the end of the day with a round-up unless I need to speak to you about anything urgent.”

“Alright.”

“If you don't hear from me earlier that's a good thing,” she emphasised.

Seb nodded and Mark gave him a little smile.

“Course it is. Okay, well thanks Britta.”

“Yes thanks. We really appreciate all your work on this.”

“No problem. I think we're doing alright really to be honest. Though if you want to call me earlier tomorrow of course you can and any concerns...”

“Sure. Okay well it's gone five, we should let you go home.”

Britta smiled. She was pretty sure she'd be another hour yet rounding things up.

“Thank you. Well, speak tomorrow.”

“Bye then, thanks again.”

 

Sebastian let out a long sigh after hanging up and putting down the phone. Mark put his left hand into Seb's.

“We just won't look darling. Okay? People can say what they like about us as long as they don't say anything about Teddy.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. I guess it doesn't sound too awful.”

“No and Porsche were much the same. I think they're more concerned with bigging up my replacement.”

“Temporary replacement,” insisted Seb.

“Quite.”

“I suppose she didn't need to call earlier and Rachel's not called.”

“Exactly, so we're fine. Anyway end of the day now, all those reporters will be off down the pub after a hard day's spinning two sentences of statement into a half-page story.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. Okay Liebling, thanks.”

He leaned in to give Mark a kiss and smiled down at Teddy. Nothing too much about their son, that was the main thing. He knew they would both be worrying about tomorrow but for now it felt as though they had a lull and all they could do was keep busy, call their families again to check on them and look after their son, maybe try for an early night and see if all three of them might sleep.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Early on Wednesday morning DC paused on his way from his apartment building, propping up his bike at the tabac nearby to have a sneaky little perusal of the newspapers on the stand at the entrance. He was genuinely relieved to see nothing on any of the front pages of either the local or international editions and had to flick through to find the story on the inside of the sports pages. Then in several more he found additional stories part way through the papers. David had to attempt translating some of them from French in his head, but the gist was much the same; more of the astonishment which he had to admit he himself had felt, along with a few terrible puns in the tabloids accompanied by stock photos of Mark and Sebastian together from various races with the news of their impending adoption told in breathless tones followed by a rehash of their relationship history.

David rolled his eyes and picked up another paper before catching the steely gaze of the shop owner who was clearly about to ask if he was buying them or thought the place was a library. David guiltily tidied the stand and climbed onto his bike to make a swift escape, taking the harbour road to the usual meeting spot where Jenson stood holding his bike with a bored expression on his face.

“Alright?” greeted DC as he pulled up and put his feet down to keep the bike up.

“You took your time,” complained Jenson.

“Sorry. I um, well I stopped to take a shufty at the papers.”

“Oh.” Jenson nodded. “I see. I'm guessing about what.”

“Mm. I'll bet.”

DC narrowed his eyes at his friend and Jenson couldn't help smiling somewhat smugly in response. David pulled a face then punched Jenson on the arm that was just a little more than playful.

“Ow, what was that for?” complained Jenson rubbing his arm.

“You you sod, keeping all the best gossip to yourself.”

“Ah.”

Jenson smiled again and David shook his head.

“You _knew_ didn't you?”

Jenson shrugged, rather enjoying winding him up now.

“How long for?” pressed DC.

“What that they're adopting or that they've got a kid?”

“You knew that far back?” asked David incredulously.

“We're team-mates. We spend a lot of time together and you know Jessy is friends with Seb too.”

“Urgh. Did he tell you all then?”

“Well, no. Not for a while, but we've known for a few months now that they were trying to adopt.”

David sighed.

“I know it's cos I'm media, but you'd think they'd trust me.”

“It's not personal.”

“Hmm.”

“They're just wary mate. With reason. Bet the papers are going a bit nuts over this now and they hate all that.”

“I spose.”

“Doubly now they've got a kid to take into account.”

David nodded resignedly.

“Yeah okay.”

“I promised them I wouldn't tell. It's a big deal to them.”

“I just can't believe it.”

“No well me neither at first, but they're really committed. They've been trying for nearly a year you know?”

“Really?”

“Yeah and for godsake that goes no further,” rushed JB.

“Okay.”

 

Jenson looked at him firmly.

“Really mate. It's important.”

“I understand. Honestly, just cos I do some telly, I haven't forgotten how to be a human being.”

“Yeah, sorry. Just they're very sensitive about it and the adoption's still in process so there's no way they'll be talking to anyone about it, officially I mean.”

“They explained. I get it.”

“Right. Anyway.”

“I just never pictured them with a kid,” admitted David. “Hell I never pictured them together.”

“Yeah well shows what we know,” smiled Jenson. “It's actually really very sweet. You should see the pictures Seb's sent Jess.”

“Not you?”

“Ah well Jess is godmother.”

“No way?”

“Yep. Plainly don't trust me to be so responsible.”

“Very wise.”

“Ha, guess so.”

“You gonna show me then?” prompted DC.

“Hm?”

“Photos of the kid. I'm curious now.”

“Oh. Ha, no sorry mate, Jess is too on guard to even forward them to me. She reckons it's a pretty big deal they trusted her with them so, you know...”

“Right. You been to see them then?”

“Not yet. Going by this weekend actually, stopping off en route to my mum's.”

“Ah okay.” DC shook his head. Seb and Mark never failed to surprise him. “Well, give them my best.”

“I thought you spoke to them?”

“I did. I just meant in person. Guess I'd better send a card. Teddy right, the baby's name?”

“Yep.”

“God they really are too cute.”

They climbed onto their bikes ready to set off. Just as they went to press on the pedals JB grinned at David.

“Oh and if you're wondering who to address the card to, it's Daddy and Papa Vettel-Webber, just so you know.”

Jenson laughed at the gob-smacked expression on DC's face and pedalled off leaving him stunned once again in his wake. He was totally winning their race today.

 

  
  


  
  


  
  


Half a continent away Britta sat in her office with a pile of newspapers, her laptop open and a large steaming coffee on her desk. It wasn't yet eight am and if she was entirely honest it felt as though she had only just left this place, but the factory was abuzz with activity, most of it in preparation for the fast approaching tests in Barcelona, but that wasn't Britta's concern right now.

She had already been relieved to see that nowhere had the story made the front pages, nor indeed the very back pages to lead the sports sections. It was the top story on some of the niche motorsport web-pages, but they were still the stories from yesterday with the focus on Mark taking a year out and Porsche filling his spot with the adoption as a secondary aspect. Britta knew that Porsche had been wheeling out their drivers on a full-frontal distraction approach to discuss their new set-up for the coming season and with any luck those stories would be replacing this one at the top of the news-feed for the racing publications at least. Though Seb was her primary concern, Britta tended to think of him and Mark as a package deal as indeed was Teddy now, so it all rolled up on her doorstep.

 

Britta took a sip of her coffee then set about going through the print newspapers. Page five. That wasn't too bad. Inside page of the sports section ostensibly leading with Mark's leave. Gossip pages, hmm. Op-eds discussing men taking parental responsibility and the changes to paternity leave law, mostly filled with the oh-so-self-important personal thoughts of the writer who seemed to think they knew everything about it.

Britta kept going, piling each paper open on the relevant articles, or dog-earing with a fold if they featured in both the main news and sport sections. It took a while, then she spread them out to gain a general impression. Britta sighed at some of the headlines thinking she could do a better job herself.

_JOINT CHAMPS ADOPT BABY BOY_

_VALENTINE'S DAY CHERUB FOR VETTEL-WEBBERS_

_SECRET BABY FOR RACING COUPLE – Mark & Seb Vettel-Webber make shock announcement_

_SURPRISE BABY JOY OF CHAMPION RACERS_

_GAY RACING PAIR SPEED TO ADOPT CHILD JUST 1 YEAR AFTER MARRYING_

Britta sighed. They had to throw that little detail in, naturally. She shook her head and read the full article below the next headline.

 

_**DADDY-DUTY FOR WORLD CHAMP** _

_No, not current and retiring F1 world champion Nico Rosberg, but World Endurance champion, Le Mans conqueror, and ex-F1 racer, Mark Vettel-Webber this time prioritising his family over racing as he takes a year's paternity leave. There seems to be a new trend emerging; no longer is the racing world populated by James Hunt types busily bedding models and flight attendants between winning races, these days it seems that only Brit Lewis Hamilton is doing anything to keep the glamour of racing alive while others prefer the quiet life at home with a family._

_Now Mark and Sebastian Vettel-Webber (see picture above from last December's FIA Gala), once famously feuding team-mates, these days a happily married couple, have joined this group and are reported to be adopting a baby boy in their likewise adopted home in England. No name has been released and the couple are close-lipped about any of the details. Nor indeed would their respective teams give any comment beyond offering their congratulations. There is no word yet either on whether their little one will be accompanying his fathers to races, but as Porsche have confirmed that Mark will not be busy racing for them this year, perhaps we will see their new addition in the F1 paddock. One thing is for certain, with two world champion fathers, this little boy will no doubt have the racing world at his feet as soon as those little feet can reach the pedals!_

 

Britta rolled her eyes and tried not to gag. She wasn't sure whether the gushy pieces were worse than the ones that snidely implied that Mark would have his work cut out as a stay-at-home dad. As if there weren't millions of fathers out there looking after children, whether full-time or helping their partner, nearly all of them doing their best whatever the circumstances.

She noted that quite a few of the articles were making a point of including words like 'secret' and 'mystery' regarding the origins of the child they were adopting, which Britta guessed came from frustration at having no further details. They could whistle for them. Give them more and she knew they would want yet more. The media were insatiable. The last thing she wanted to do was encourage them.

Britta took another sip of coffee and dived back in, time to go through the broadsheets and see what their coverage was like. Longer words and more back-history included she was guessing. Then the German coverage via online as well as the rest of the world and a venture onto Twitter, after which she had a nasty feeling her eyeballs would need scrubbing. She'd better get on with it in case she needed to ring any offending individuals or publications who had crossed a line so she could threaten them with a call from their legal department to get them to retract things and toe the line. Then she was meant to be briefing the rest of the PR department in an hour before finally going to see Christian to give him the low-down. She'd better get on with it.

Today was going to require a lot more coffee, possibly by intravenous drip.  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Later that morning Mark and Seb got in from walking the dogs and hardly had time to wrangle Teddy out of the carrier and get their coats and outwear off before he was wailing even as they fought to get his snowsuit off. Mark sighed as he handed their son over to Sebastian so he could make up a bottle. They should have guessed he was hungry from the way he had been burying his little face into Mark's chest as they walked up the lane. He and Seb had been too busy trying to point out a passing 'horsey' to see if Teddy was entertained by the sight of it, but he hadn't been interested. Other concerns were more pressing it seemed and Mark mused that perhaps he was just too young to appreciate such things or even really see them properly. He shook the mix in the bottle and put it back in the machine to be filled and reach the correct temperature.

“Just another minute mate,” Mark assured him.

Teddy rubbed his face into Seb's shoulder, damping his hoody with tragic little tears until he got what he wanted. As soon as the bottle was done Mark tested it and handed it over to Seb as he sat, the baby instantly silencing as he sucked hungrily. Mark puffed out a breath as he sat beside them.

“I swear he's getting louder.”

Sebastian looked up from watching their son feeding.

“It means he's stronger. That's good.”

Mark nodded. Not so much for their ears, but that joke probably wouldn't go down well just now.

“Sure.” Mark touched Teddy's cheek. “Alright now sweetheart?”

Teddy was occupied so Mark looked instead to the dogs fussing around into their legs. He knew Seb wasn't keen on them doing that when Teddy was feeding so he got up and led them over to the baskets to give them food and water too.

“Good boys,” he praised as he ruffled their ears while both Shadow and Simba scarfed up their food. “You hungry too eh?” Mark looked over to Seb at the table. “Are you hungry?”

Seb turned his head to look.

“Hm?”

Mark stood up.

“Do you fancy an early lunch? We didn't have much breakfast.”

Seb looked back at Teddy. It was hard to eat when you were worrying that you might get a call that something disasterous had happened. He was tempted to ring Britta or switch the wi-fi back on to look, but she'd said she would call later with a round-up and if she hadn't called them then that had to be good, right?

“Sweetheart?”

Sebastian looked up to see Mark right by him now, his hand going to rest on Seb's shoulder.

“Sorry. Do you think everything's okay?”

Mark didn't need more to know what Seb was referring to.

“Someone would have rung if there was anything we needed to worry about.”

“Yeah.”

“No news is good news,” emphasised Mark. “If it was anything major we'd have had a call.”

Sebastian let out a sigh and nodded.

“I know. It will be in the papers today though won't it?”

Mark sat down beside him.

“Mostly the articles from online yesterday just printed in hard copy, or rehashes at best. Journos don't make work for themselves unless they have to. There's nothing really to add today.”

“I spose.”

“We've just got to shut it out and carry on, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Seb looked to Teddy. He was happy now. Maybe eating something himself would help make him feel a bit better? “Sorry Liebling, lunch would be good. There's some cold chicken in the fridge.”

“Sandwiches then? Some nice coffee?” proposed Mark. “See if we can manage to drink it while it's still hot for once?”

Seb smiled.

“Sounds good Liebling, thank you.”

Mark leaned in and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek. Maybe they would have done better to have arranged a check-in with their teams this morning, but it was best not to change things. No news surely _was_ good news. Just so long as they were left in peace, that was best.

  
  


  
  


After lunch they repaired to the lounge, Teddy looking as though he was about to drop off for his post feed nap when he started squirming in Mark's arms, scrunching up his little face and making unhappy noises.

“Uh-oh,” frowned Mark.

He only just got the words out when Teddy started howling.

“Okay buddy, okay.”

He lifted him up into his chest and Seb leaned in to sniff Teddy's behind, pulling away rapidly.

“My god!” exclaimed Sebastian, scrunching up his face almost like the baby had.

“Oh dear. Righto, up we go.”

 

Sebastian helped Mark to stand and they went up to the nursery, placing Teddy on the changing mat as he continued to complain vociferously. It took both of them to undress him as Teddy squirmed and fought, Mark sighing and looking down at him.

“Mate you need to let us actually do this.”

Teddy merely howled in response, so they battled on, eventually getting his babygro undone before tackling the nappy.

“Dear lord,” recoiled Mark. “I think something exploded.”

Sebastian shook his head and tried to ignore the smell as he struggled to get the nappy out from under the baby without getting more mess spread about, only succeeding in getting it on himself.

“Oh god. _Urgh_.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at the appalled expression on Seb's face, then held out a nappy bag for Seb to roll up the offending nappy containing its contents and put it in, sealing the bag and dumping it in the assigned bin to the side of the changing table.

“Bad luck,” sympathised Mark. “Ah, oh heck, no Teddy don't...”

Mark sagged as Teddy managed to wriggle so he pushed the undone babygro so it too got mess on it. Another one for the wash. He puffed a heavy breath and tried to ignore the sound of the baby crying as he worked to clean him up. Sebastian looked at his hands, they were beyond a wipe.

“Um, I'll just go wash my hands.”

“Sure,” replied Mark distractedly still cleaning Teddy.

  
  


Sebastian turned on the hot tap at the bathroom sink and washed his hands, turning his nose up at the repulsive smell. He loved his son and he wanted to take care of him, but in all honesty he wouldn't mind skipping this bit. Sebastian shook his head and washed his hands a second time with more liquid soap hoping it removed the odour as well as cleaning his hands. As he dried them on a towel Seb sniffed the air and thought an unpleasantness lingered, so he found the air freshener and sprayed it about, then regretted it, thinking the place now smelt as though someone had lain flowers on top of manure or worse. He coughed and decided fresh air was a better bet, so Seb reached to open the top part of the frosted window.

He was about to go back to see how Mark was getting on finding a clean outfit for Teddy when his brain caught up with something and Seb looked out of the window properly. There was something, no some _one_ in the lane past the tall hedge that bordered their property.

Only their head was visible, but he wasn't seeing things, there _was_ someone there, a man. Seb's heart clutched at the idea of a man lurking outside their house, but then he saw that the man was walking away down the pavement. Sebastian sighed and shook his head, about to tell himself off for being paranoid and letting old fears combine with new ones. Just because they lived in a quiet spot didn't mean people never walked past here. They could be heading up to the farm, or simply taking a country stroll as he and Mark regularly did. Maybe he had a dog Sebastian couldn't see from this angle?

But just as Seb was about to walk away, the man did an about turn and paced in the opposite direction, back along to their five-bar gate where he stopped and peered up the drive towards the house. Sebastian closed his eyes, his stomach swilling with a horrible sick feeling far worse than that induced by the vile nappy contents from a moment ago. He re-opened his eyes, stupidly hoping for a second that he could have imagined it, but the man was still there. Seb really did feel nauseous now and his heart had started to thump. Was he a reporter snooping? He had a bag. It might have a camera in it. Oh god.

 

Sebastian backed away from the window, his heart beating faster.

“Sweetheart have you seen his little dinosaur?” called Mark's voice down the corridor.

Sebastian took a deep breath and turned to walk back along into the nursery. As he stood in the doorway he saw Mark holding a still murmuring Teddy lying in one arm as he scoured the shelves for the toy, finally finding it on one of the higher shelves.

“Oh no, got it!” Mark called out before turning to see that Seb was right there. “Oh hey, sorry. Here we are Teddy darling. Here's dino.”

Mark held the soft toy in front of his son, jigging it around to cheer him up before placing it on his belly as Teddy reached out towards it.

“That's better isn't it mate?”

He smiled at Teddy and then looked back up to Seb still stood in the doorway. Mark frowned at how white Seb looked all of a sudden. He took a couple of steps over.

“Sweetheart?”

Sebastian took in a breath, then swallowed. Mark leaned in closer to look at him.

“Are you alright? I know it was a stinker. Maybe we mistimed lunch? Do you feel sick?” Mark frowned even more at Seb's lack of response. “Darling you look very pale. Maybe you should sit down?”

Seb did feel sick, but it wasn't the lingering odour of changed nappy bothering him now. He shook his head.

“Mark there's someone outside.”

“At the door?”

“No on the lane. Hanging around. I saw them through the window.”

“What?” Mark's expression changed. “What do you mean someone in the lane?”

“A man.”

“There was no one there before.”

“Well there is now. Liebling I think it might be a reporter or something. He was looking over the gate.”

“He what? Show me,” demanded Mark.

 

Mark looked down at the baby in his arms, pausing before going to place him in the cot, leaving the toy on the side where he could see it. Seb hadn't moved from the doorway. He felt frozen. It was only one man, but someone lurking by their house unnerved him in ways he didn't want to think about. Mark was back by him, his hand on his arm.

“Show me.”

“I'm not imagining it,” protested Seb.

“I wouldn't think you were.”

Mark gave him a gentle push on the arm and Seb unfroze himself, leading Mark into the bathroom where he looked out of the window again, hoping somehow the man might have disappeared. He hadn't though. Mark beside him was peering out, both of them now watching as the man resumed pacing up and down. From downstairs the could hear Shadow and Simba barking now, plainly having gone into the hall from the lounge where they had left them.

“Bastard! Has to be a reporter,” seethed Mark. “What the hell does he think he's doing?”

Sebastian stepped away from the window.

“I don't know. He just looked over the gate.”

“He didn't try to open it?”

“No.”

Mark sighed heavily and then shook his head.

“I should have known. Probably taken him this long to find us out here.”

“I should call Britta.”

“Did you see if he has a camera?” asked Mark, half an eye still watching outside.

“No but he might have one in his bag, or just his phone, I don't know.”

“He can't be here. Good job he's not got any of his pals along too.”

 

Mark saw that the man had paused at the gate again and he felt anger rising inside himself. He wanted to yell from the window for him to bugger off, but as the man peered up the drive Mark couldn't stop himself wanting to take a more direct approach.

“He's not allowed to take photos, not even of the house.”

“I know Liebling. I'll call Britta.”

Mark shook his head, muttering under his breath. Seb frowned.

“What?”

“I said _I'll_ bloody tell him,” repeated Mark more clearly.

“No Liebling you can't.”

“I bloody can. He can't be coming here.”

 

They both paused as they heard a noise coming from the nursery and rushed back to see Teddy lying on his back, grizzling slightly. Sebastian reached in to lift him up, grabbing the soft dinosaur from the side to try to comfort him.

“You stay up here with Teddy,” instructed Mark.

“What are you going to do?”

“I'm going to tell him he can't be here.”

“No Liebling I don't think that's a good idea,” protested Seb.

“Just stay here.”

Mark strode off and Sebastian felt a rush of panic at the set expression on Mark's face. He was plainly angry and Seb worried what Mark might do.

“Oh god,” gasped Seb.

He went after Mark, unable to catch up as he was carrying the baby and Seb always worried he might slip on the stairs.

“Liebling don't!”

 

Mark stopped in the hallway to put on some shoes and Seb reached him. Even pulling his shoes on Mark felt rage burning in him. Some damn reporter thinking he could come here and threaten his family. Mark was going to tell him to get the hell out. He shoved his left foot into the shoe without undoing the laces and stood back up ready to open the door and confront this interloper who had the audacity to snoop over their damn gate. The dogs were getting more agitated in the hall with them now, barking loudly and looking out towards the door where they were fussing to go through to investigate.

“Please Liebling don't. I know you want to tell him to go away, but it'll just make it worse,” appealed Sebastian, hitching Teddy up as he moved to stand between Mark and the front door.

“You're damn right I want to tell him to...” Mark glanced to Teddy and adjusted his phrasing. “Go away. He needs to know he can't be here. There's restrictions. He has to be breaking them.”

Seb wasn't sure if a reporter really would be by just being there, but a paparazzo might.

“If you go out there and yell at him then they've got a story Mark.”

“I'm going to tell him where to go. He can't be here.”

“I know, but please Liebling. Please don't go out there.”

Seb could feel his heart pounding now. Horrible anxiety flooding his system.

“Please. It'll make it worse, then there'll be more of them. Please don't.”

Seb's voice caught and his eyes glazed with tears about to spill. Teddy started crying and Seb took in sharper breaths feeling his skin heat up as he edged towards real panic. Mark saw it and their distress pushed all other emotions out of the way. He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment before placing his hand on Seb's arm.

 

“Okay, okay. Alright I won't go out,” Mark relented in a far calmer voice.

“It just... It'd make it worse.”

“I know, I know. Okay you're right. You're right sweetheart. It's okay. I'm sorry.”

Mark reached past him towards the door and Seb took a sharper breath, but Mark merely flicked the dead-bolt over to double lock it. He rubbed over Seb's arm, then put his arm around him to hug both husband and son in, the anger he had felt overwhelmed by guilt at seeing them upset.

“I'm not going out there. And no one's getting in. It's alright. C'mon pass him over.”

Mark took Teddy into his arms, balancing him into his chest before sparing a hand to put a Seb's cheek. Mark looked down to the dogs still barking.

“Calm down,” he instructed, trying not to shout at them as he knew raised voices wouldn't help matters. “Hush now.”

Shadow and Simba only backed away from the door when he gave them a firm look, seeming to pick up that Mark wasn't to be messed with right now.

“I'm sorry darling,” apologised Mark, looking back to Seb. “You're right. It'd only escalate things.”

Sebastian took in shaky breath to settle himself and Mark pulled slightly on his arm.

“Come on, come and have a sit.” Mark looked to Teddy still crying into him. “It's alright. It's alright Teddy, don't be scared. Everything's okay.”

 

He rubbed over Teddy's back to soothe him as they went to sit on the sofa, Teddy slowly calming as his parents did. Mark held him lower into the crook of his arm and dried his little cheeks, then placed a cushion underneath and freed his other arm to hold Seb into his side, Seb placing the toy dinosaur back on Teddy's front. All three of them sat for a moment, settling themselves, the dogs sitting at their feet but still looking in the direction of the front of the house where they perceived the threat lay only stopping themselves from barking because of Mark's instruction.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Seb more steadily.

Mark shook his head as he looked at him.

“No darling _I'm_ sorry. You're absolutely right. Voice of reason sweetheart. I just... I...” Mark puffed a breath. “Okay let's ignore it and he'll go away. It's all we can sensibly do.”

“Do you think he can see us in here?”

“No we're too far on the left, you'd have to be half way up the drive.”

“You don't think he would?”

“The gate's locked and he'd be trespassing. They know they're asking for trouble if they do that.”

“Okay.”

“It's alright sweetheart. I'm sorry I got worked up. It wasn't at you.”

 

Seb leaned into him, resting his head on Mark's shoulder, still feeling pretty horrible. His body was unsettled and he felt shaken. The idea of some reporter or paparazzo lurking unnerved him, as did seeing Mark get angry even if it wasn't directed at him. Teddy still appeared unhappy and Sebastian felt guilty that he had upset him by getting upset himself. He looked down at the baby.

“Everything's okay Teddybär, don't be scared.”

Mark rubbed over Seb's upper arm where his was around him.

“We're quite safe here. Let him get flat feet standing in the lane. He'll get nothing from us and go home with his tail between his legs. You're absolutely right sweetheart. It's the only thing to do, just ignore him.”

Sebastian stayed leaning into Mark, still working on thinking calming thoughts. That man wouldn't open their gate and come up the drive. He'd get bored and go away. They were safe here.

“I should call Britta and tell her.”

“In a bit darling. Let's just take a moment.”

Mark continued to rub slowly over Seb's arm, feeling his heart beating through his ribs. He hated that he had upset him by getting angry and yet still battled with feeling angry at whoever was in the lane upsetting their whole family in the first place. It was hard not to want to still go out there and tell him to sling his hook, but that wasn't what his family needed right now. They needed him to comfort them and protect them in this way by making them feel safe, not by storming outside and compounding the situation. Yelling at a lurking reporter might make Mark feel better temporarily, but Seb was right, pictures of him yelling, or a story about him losing the plot would make it a bigger story and that was the opposite of what they needed.

 

Mark turned his head to kiss Seb's forehead.

“I really am sorry darling. You're much smarter than me.”

“I just don't want to make it worse.”

“I know. That's what I mean.”

“I do want him to go away too Liebling.”

“I know. Of course you do. It's okay. He will. Your way is best. We'll call Britta later. Let her do some yelling over the phone instead.”

“Britta doesn't yell.”

Mark managed a smile and gave Seb a squeeze.

“No. Her steely voice is pretty scary though. She'll put the frighteners on someone, sort it out.”

Sebastian nodded slightly and kissed by Mark's shoulder before letting out a long sigh. Mark in turn moved his head to rest his temple into Seb.

“I'm really sorry if I scared you,” he apologised.

Seb gave a little shake of his head.

“It's okay you got angry Liebling. I know it was only at him.”

“It was. I'm still sorry though. I'll listen to you. I'm just a bit on edge.”

“I think we're all on edge”

“Yeah.”

Seb reached to place a hand on their son's little arm. He was quiet and still now. Seb wished he knew what he was thinking and how he felt.

“Is Teddy okay do you think?”

Mark looked down at him.

“He's alright now. You're alright aren't you kiddo? Sorry mate, Daddy just had a bit of a moment.”

“And Papa.”

“Mm, well, all over now.” Mark moved his head more so Teddy could see his face, his voice soft and reassuring. “All over now darling, everything's okay.”

Sebastian absorbed those words too, beginning to feel calmer, though Mark was right, he did need a little while like this to recover. He pressed his cheek into Mark's shoulder, keeping a smile on his face for the sake of their son, though Seb stupidly felt like crying. Mark gently rubbed over Seb's arm with just his thumb now. He could feel Seb's breathing slow down. Maybe after a quick call to Britta they should all go upstairs and try for a nap? Mark knew he would be incapable of stopping himself looking out of the bathroom window to check if the interloper was still in the lane. He hoped a city type like that was enjoying the smell of horse dung out there. Mark would very much like to chuck some at him.

  
  


 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I start a new job tmw (eek), but I shall endeavor to push on writing as much as I can (I need to write faster!)


	205. Going Public - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Busy week in a new job, sorry, hence the slow update, but here we are anyway. Part 2...

* * *

  
  


By four o'clock they were back up from what had turned out to be an extended nap. Teddy had surprised them by sleeping for a couple of hours before waking and crying for a bottle. They were too busy sorting that out in order to soothe their son and give him what he needed to stop off in the bathroom to look outside, but now as Sebastian held Teddy against him winding the baby, Mark remembered what his sleepy brain had temporarily forgotten.

“I'm just gonna nip upstairs.”

Sebastian looked at him, realising what that was about.

“Just give me a minute.”

“I can...”

“No I want to look with you,” insisted Seb.

Mark wanted to say it would better if he checked by himself, but he didn't want to cause another upset so he nodded and looked to Teddy instead.

“You had a good sleep there didn't you mate?” he commented.

“He did have a lot of milk at lunch,” noted Seb.

“Yeah true. Couldn't give us a straight couple of hours at night could you kiddo?”

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“I don't think it works like that.”

“No. Guess not,” agreed Mark, reaching to stroke over Teddy's head.

He sighed out a long breath and Sebastian looked at him.

“You want to go look.”

It wasn't really a question. Seb both wanted to look and didn't as well. He hoped the man would be gone, but if he wasn't then Seb was worried both what Mark's reaction would be and how he would feel himself. Mark didn't reply immediately so Seb just nodded.

“I think he's done. Can you take the cloth?”

Seb lifted Teddy slightly so Mark could pull the muslin off his shoulder and checked their son didn't need any cleaning up before placing it over the back of the chair. They didn't say anything as they stood and headed for the stairs, only pausing as they reached the landing. Seb glanced through the open bathroom door and thought how they had upset Teddy earlier by their reactions. He didn't want that to potentially happen again.

“I think I'll just put him down a moment.”

Mark waited while Seb went to lie Teddy down, deciding to put him in the cot so he was a little further away and wouldn't hear them, but leaving the door open so they conversely would hear the baby if he cried. As he returned Sebastian took a deep breath and Mark put his arm around him.

“Britta did say she would dig around and give the hard word out,” noted Mark.

Sebastian nodded. When they had called Britta earlier she had promised to see if any media organisation admitted to sending someone to nose around and at the same time remind everyone she spoke to that they would be violating the child's privacy if they so much as printed a picture of the outside of where they lived and if they harassed the family at their home then the legal team would also be on their case. Seb knew they would have to get used to media being around in the paddock, but not here, not at their home.

  
  


“C'mon, let's check before it gets dark,” prompted Mark, trying to keep his tone light.

“Okay.”

Sebastian slipped his hand into Mark's who gave it a squeeze before they stepped into the bathroom and over to the window. Mark reopened it and they both took a deep breath before looking outside through the gap, down past the driveway, past the hedge where...

They both sighed out in relief. Nobody was there. They peered down the lane in each direction and waited a minute, but everything was quiet.

“Oh thank god,” huffed out Mark.

Seb closed his eyes thinking much the same and Mark wrapped his arms around him.

“Gone.”

Sebastian looked up, feeling relief flood through him.

“Yeah.”

“And good riddance,” Mark added.

“Mm,” Seb concurred. “Do you it's just the end of the day?”

“I dunno darling. He probably got so bored he might have started to think he'd got the wrong place. Or Britta did her thing. Frankly I don't care so long as he's buggered off.”

“Mm, okay I might just ring her again. She's meant to ring soon anyway,” decided Seb.

“Sure.”

 

They walked back down the corridor, both feeling relieved. As they entered the nursery they saw that little Teddy seemed remarkably content lying in his cot. He seemed to be gazing out so Mark ducked down and reached through the bars to chubb his cheek.

“You are being good aren't you darling? Good boy.”

“Do you think he'd be okay here if we just went and called Britta?” wondered Seb.

“I think he's fine, aren't you mate?”

Mark stood back up and Seb leaned over the cot to touch Teddy's hand.

“We'll just be another few minutes,” he promised, finding the baby monitor to switch on and picking up its twin to take with them.

 

They went to sit on the bed in their room to make the call, Seb for reasons he couldn't quite place, not wanting to have Teddy listen to the conversation. As she went on neither Seb nor Mark were sure whether her informing them that she had been unable to find anyone who admitted to sending either a reporter or photographer to the house was reassuring or not.

“My best guess is a freelancer trying their luck,” she admitted, “but I have done all I can to make sure that if he tries to sell anything he will have doors slammed in his face.”

“Right. Okay well thanks.”

“It did at least give me an excuse to underline all my points from yesterday,” offered Britta trying to find a positive.

“Yeah, alright well other than that?” checked Seb.

“Just as I mentioned before; everything's been pretty middle of the road stuff, nothing we couldn't avoid. Mostly over the top headlines without a lot to really say beneath them. As they have nothing much to add I should expect very few follow-ups tomorrow to be honest, other than Mark I spoke to Oliver at Porsche and he's told me they've been doing some interviews with their drivers about the coming season, not referencing you, though I expect that the articles will mention the reason you aren't driving at least in passing.”

“Sure. Okay well they did mention that. Mostly with Autosport, that kinda thing,” explained Mark.

“Yep, that's what he told me. So, okay well that's really about it. There's gossip online, but really nothing worth your time.”

“What kind of gossip?” worried Seb.

“Just bored people with time on their hands. Really Seb, ignore it.”

“Nothing about Teddy?”

“No just that's it's a little boy, and a baby which I guess paternity leave rather implies anyway, nothing more.”

“Not the end of the world,” assured Mark.

“Good. Okay well I'm glad to hear whoever they were has gone. With any luck they'll have learnt it's a waste of time and you won't see them back, but call me if you need to,” requested Britta.

“Sure,” nodded Seb.

“Alright well thanks Britta,” Mark rounded up. “I don't know what that little twerp would have had to sell other than he stood outside a house in the cold for a couple of hours seeing precisely nothing.”

“Exactly so,” agreed Britta. “Well if we're okay I'll go. Are you alright with us sticking with the same arrangement for tomorrow? I'd expect less activity than today in terms of coverage.”

“Um could you call a bit earlier? I think maybe rather than leaving it so late,” requested Seb.

“Okay, sure, say after lunch? That should give us a good overview.”

“Yes that's fine Britta, thanks.”

“Call me if anything concerns you, but as Mark said, whoever that individual was, he got nothing, so I'd hope that would be a lesson to him.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay, thanks.”

“Bye then.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

 

Seb hung up and puffed out a long breath. Mark put his arm around him.

“Alright?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Down to you darling that,” noted Mark.

“Hm?”

“That guy got nothing and gave up. Because you were sensible while I was losing my head.”

“Ah no Liebling.”

“It was. Anyway, like Britta says, with any luck he's learnt his lesson.”

Seb bit his lip and Mark frowned.

“I'm sure he won't be back darling.”

“And I suppose he's got nothing he could sell.”

“Precisely. Other than 'there was no sign of them at their home' and really, who would pay for that information?” argued Mark.

Seb nodded and leaned back in for another hug. Mark dipped his cheek in to lean against Seb's for a moment, then turned to kiss it.

“C'mon, let's go check Teddy's okay, then do something to cheer ourselves up,” Mark prompted.

“Yep.”

 

They stood and went back through, finding their son quite safe in the nursery. Sebastian smiled at him as he scooped him out of the cot, thinking he was doing rather better at letting Teddy out of his sight and trusting he would be okay if they didn't watch him every single second. Perhaps they could try putting him down in here occasionally or in his crib with the monitor on if both he and Mark were busy? Teddy was getting bigger. Still small by most standards, but stronger now, there was no denying it.

“Hey buddy boy,” smiled Mark. “What do you fancy doing?”

He leaned in with a hand placed on Teddy's back and gave him a kiss on the cheek while the other rested on Sebastian's shoulder.

“Maybe go swimming?” suggested Seb.

“That's a good idea,” Mark consented.

“Do you think it's long enough after his feed?”

Mark huffed a little a laugh.

“By the time we all get changed and actually get in the pool, yes.”

“Yeah guess so.”

“There we go then. We'll have a nice relaxing swim.”

Seb tried looking to Teddy.

“You'll like that won't you Schatz?”

“Course he will. Right then, where's his cossie?”  
  


  
  


As usual it took more time to get ready and into the pool than Teddy actually spent in it. After twenty minutes he began tiring and they climbed out, Mark holding the dried baby in his arms wrapped in his hoody once more.

“You stealing Daddy's hoody Schatz?” teased Seb.

“He likes it.”

“Yeah he does.”

Sebastian stroked the baby's cheek, then glanced back at the water before looking back to Mark.

“We should go get him dressed.”

“Mm, tell you what, why don't you do stay in, do some laps?”

“Do you mind?” checked Seb.

Mark smiled at the way Seb immediately accepted.

“Nah we're fine. I can manage.”

Seb only paused for a moment before nodding. It was nice to be in the water, but having a proper swim would not only help him feel he was training more, but take his mind off worrying.

“You sure?” he checked.

“Yep, no bother. You get on sweetheart.”

Mark dipped in to give Sebastian a quick kiss on the cheek, then left him to it, knowing that Seb found being in the pool calming when he was unsettled.

“No rush,” he parted as Seb rearranged the towels on the side into damp and dry before climbing back in.

  
  


 

Mark took Teddy upstairs and succeeded in getting a nappy on him before his hoody served that function. Then he dressed him up in his little dinosaur onesie, thinking that might make Seb smile. He went through to the bedroom so he could dress himself while Teddy lay in his crib. Mark went to lift him out again only to see his son was now asleep, so he let him be and instead found his phone. He paused a moment, then decided to call Porsche himself rather than wait for them to call seeing as it was nearly five pm. That way, Mark rationalised he could relax a bit on the phone to Leanne without worrying they were ringing and getting a busy line.

Five minutes later he hung up and puffed out a long breath feeling mostly relieved. Mark looked over to his son peacefully sleeping after his swim, hating hearing that he was being mentioned at all in the media. Mark couldn't help feeling guilty that it was because of them that their innocent child was dragged into the spotlight with no say in the matter, but at least Oliver had only confirmed the same as Britta, telling him that from Porsche's point of view at least they had more success in directing more attention to his replacement and their future plans, with Mark's leave now a secondary part of the story.

Mark took in a deep breath and let it out as he watched Teddy move a little unconsciously in his sleep. He waited to see if it was an indication that the baby was about to wake, but Teddy merely let out a little noise and continued sleeping.

Mark went to gaze down at him, wondering if their baby was dreaming. Did babies dream? Was little Teddy's mind replaying floating in the water with his parents, pretending to be a tiny fishy as Mark had teased he was? Was he remembering being cuddled in close and feeling safe and warm? Mark hoped so. He tucked the blanket up a little higher and gently stroked over his son's soft cheek, praying that their little boy wasn't carrying with him an unsettled feeling from the nasty incident earlier in the afternoon. Mark thought of Teddy crying in distress and that awful frightened look in Seb's eyes. He let out a long sigh and raised his hand up to rub over his face, feeling horrible that he had been the cause of that. Too busy listening to his stupid anger to hear sense.

“I'm such an idiot sometimes,” sighed Mark quietly. He looked down at the baby. “Your daddy's an idiot. I'm so sorry you were scared darling. I didn't mean to scare you or Papa. I just got...” He sighed a heavier breath. “I dunno. The red mist. It's no excuse.”

Teddy didn't respond to his whispered monologue so Mark went to sit back on the edge of the bed where he had left his phone. His sister was sensible. She'd make him feel better or metaphorically clout him round the ear. Either way he'd get it straight and hopefully have a bit of advice to set him right. Mark scrolled to his sister's number and pressed dial.  
  


The phone rang for a minute before being answered by a sleepy voice.

“Mark?”

“Hi.” Mark clapped his free hand to his forehead as he suddenly realised why his sister sounded half-asleep. “Oh god Leanne. What time is it with you?”

“Hm?” Leanne turned to her husband half sitting up in the dark. “It's Mark. Go back to sleep. Hang on Mark, I'll just be a sec.”

Leanne swung her legs out from under the duvet and blindly sought out her slippers, the phone placed face down on the bedside cabinet as she stood and pulled on a cardigan over her pyjamas. Mark's apologies were unheard until she picked phone back up and crept out onto the landing.

“Leanne are you there?” tried Mark again.

“Yeah just give me a moment. I'm going downstairs,” she explained.

“No I'm sorry. I'm really being stupid today. I didn't think what time it would be with you.” Mark paused. “What time is it actually?”

“Huh? I don't know, hang on.”

Mark looked at the time and did the calculation himself, but before he could say anything more his sister was down in the kitchen, the phone tucked between ear and shoulder as she filled the kettle and flicked it on.

“Oh hell, Leanne it must be four am. I'm so sorry. I was being dense.”

“It's alright. Are you okay?”

“I'm fine. I'll call you back later.”

“No no I'm up now. I'm making a cup of tea.”

“I'm really sorry.”

 

Leanne stopped what she was doing, putting down the box of teabags on the kitchen counter. When her brother did this she knew it meant trouble and he sounded upset.

“Mark's it's fine. Don't worry about it. What's happened? Are you alright?”

“I should let you go back to bed.”

Leanne sighed.

“Mark what's happened?”

Mark matched his sister's sigh.

“I'm up now, come on,” she pressed. “What's going on? Is it the media? Are Teddy and Seb alright?”

Mark glanced over to the baby in his crib. He'd woken his sister. He couldn't leave her worrying as she no doubt would now.

“Sorry, yeah we're all okay. Pretty much.”

“Pretty much,” echoed Leanne. “That sounds like not entirely.”

“Hmm.”

“What is it?” she pushed.

Mark paused.

“I mean we are okay. It's nothing really terrible. I just wanted to talk to you. I'm sorry. I didn't think what time it was with you. I'm being pretty stupid today.”

“Well you should be used to getting up in the night yourself by now,” noted Leanne, “so believe me it's nothing new for me even if my lot are past ankle biting height.”

Mark managed a little smile just as his sister intended.

“Yeah okay. Still sorry though.”

“You've got your fretting voice,” observed Leanne. “What are you fretting about?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“To me, yes. Right, hang on I'm just gonna make a cuppa and sit down.”

 

Mark waited patiently. If he'd woken her in the middle of the night, the least he could do was wait while she made herself a drink.

“Okay, I'm here,” announced Leanne as she sat at the kitchen table and took a sip of her mug of tea. “Now then, what's going on that's upset you? Is it the media? What have they done now?”

 

Mark sighed and explained all, his sister listening carefully and only interrupting when her brother referred to himself as an idiot for his behaviour.

“You're not an idiot Mark. You just wanted to protect your family,” she asserted.

“Yeah and all I succeeded in doing was upsetting them.”

“Well you didn't mean to.”

“No of course not.”

“Of course not. Where are they now?”

“I'm in the bedroom. Teddy's having a nap in his crib here, Seb's still swimming.”

“Ah right.”

“He does that when he's unsettled. Lap after lap,” noted Mark heavily.

“Mm, you've said before,” noted Leanne. “Was he still upset with you?”

“He said not. I mean we had quite a nice little play with Teddy in the water.”

“So maybe it's just general, you know, all this is a strain isn't it?”

“Mm.”

“So Seb's doing what he needs to. He's having a nice peaceful swim to unwind. What's wrong with that?”

“Nothing. I suggested he stay in.”

“Right, so you're just worrying generally?”

“I just feel guilty I upset them. Honestly Leanne it was horrible. Teddy was crying and Seb...”

 

Mark stopped. He didn't want to admit to his sister that he recognised the look in his husband's eyes when he was on the verge of a panic attack. He'd pushed Seb to that by failing to listen to his concerns. Made him frightened of what he would do. Mark had been angry and he was sure that on some level that did unnerve Seb even if it was directed elsewhere.

“What?” pressed Leanne. “Seb what?”

“It upset him. I wasn't listening to what he was sensibly saying. I was just... I just felt this rage inside, boiling over and the only thing I could think about was barging out there to give that reporter or whoever the hell he was an earful and sending him packing.” Mark sighed. “In my head I was protecting them yeah, but all I ended up doing was scaring them. I scared them both and I just feel horrible about it.”

 

Leanne let out a long sigh. Yet again it sounded as though her brother needed a good hug that she couldn't give him.

“Ah hell.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

“Well look, you said you apologised.”

“Of course I did.”

“And Seb accepted it.”

“He apologised too of course.”

“Hmm.”

“He's always apologising when he has no reason to,” explained Mark. “He apologises for getting upset, for worrying, for anything really.”

“He apologises for having perfectly natural emotional reactions,” noted Leanne.

“Yeah exactly.”

Leanne smiled and shook her head.

“Exactly,” she echoed.

“Hm?”

“You two. You're different, but you're so alike. You're feeling guilty and apologising for perfectly natural emotions yourself.”

Mark frowned.

“Yeah but mine wasn't okay. I scared them. I hate that.”

“Of course you do, but you didn't mean to. You weren't angry with Seb were you?”

“No of course not. I just wasn't listening to him talking sense.”

“Well okay, that's pretty dumb.”

“Cheers.”

“Sorry.”

“No you're right though, I was being dumb, or more accurately, deaf. If I'd steamed out there and given that guy hell it could have ended up in the papers, there might be a dozen of them out there tomorrow.”

“Well, let's just be thankful you didn't. That's my point. Yes okay you boiled over a bit because your natural emotional reaction to feeling as though your family was threatened was to go and defend them, to make the threat go away.”

“I suppose,” conceded Mark.

“Wasn't it that way? Wasn't that you wanted?” pressed Leanne.

“No it was.”

“Right, so I don't think you have to feel entirely guilty for reacting like that. Even if it wasn't the best play in the circumstances.”

“Mm, I guess. In my head I really did feel like I was going out there to stand up for them.”

“Of course you were, because you're very protective of Seb and my god Mark, that's nothing to how you feel towards your child. Any father would feel that way.”

“Yeah but Seb didn't want to rush out there. He was the only one thinking straight.”

“Mm well maybe. I'm not so sure Seb likes confrontations though. Am I right?”

 

Mark's eyes went towards the door, beyond which lay the stairs and on to the swimming pool wing of the house. Of course his husband didn't like confrontations. Confrontations in the past had led to terrifying consequences for him. Mark's stomach tightened at the thought and he wanted to find Seb and hold him wrapped in his arms. He closed his eyes for a moment.

“Mark?” pressed Leanne.

Mark opened his eyes and nodded.

“No he wouldn't like that,” he admitted.

“No,” agreed Leanne. “I'm not saying you do, but you do tend to want to tackle things head on.”

“Literally sometimes.”

“Yeah, well, it's just your nature. I don't think you have to feel so bad about it. Okay, so it wasn't wise and of course it's not good that Seb and Teddy got upset, but you did stop yourself. You did listen to Seb.”

“Eventually.”

“How long did the whole thing last? Really?”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno.”

“Couple of minutes, max?” guessed Leanne.

“Yeah probably.”

“After which you backed off, listened to sense and apologised.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah. I'm not sure it's a hanging offence Mark. A mistake maybe, but you've tried to put it right. What did you do after?”

“We just went and had a sit down on the sofa together until we'd all calmed down.”

“Right and I bet you apologised about a dozen times.”

Mark huffed a tiny dry laugh.

“Roughly.”

“And Seb apologised.”

“Unnecessarily,” intervened Mark.

“Fine, but he accepted your apology?”

“Yes of course he did. He said he understood I wasn't angry with him and it was okay. He's too nice to find fault in me.”

Leanne shook her head.

“He loves you too much. And you love him and Teddy, which is why you're beating yourself up about it. You had a natural reaction Mark. You're allowed to feel things too, just as Seb does.”

“Different and the same,” echoed Mark, rolling his sister's words around in his head.

“Which is why you're perfect for each other. You balance each other out. You wanted to steam in, but Seb knew it was a mistake. You took a minute, but then that sank in and you stopped.”

“I think I really only stopped because I saw them getting upset.”

“Well...” Leanne let out a long breath. “I don't know Mark. That's still heart winning out in my book. You wanted to go out there and confront that guy because you love your family. You stopped and changed your mind because you love your family. Explain to me how that makes you a bad person?”

 

Mark swallowed hard, suddenly feeling as though he wanted to cry.

“Mark?” pressed Leanne.

“Yeah I do love them. More than anything.”

“Of course you do.”

Mark huffed a slow calming breath to recover himself.

“You know if Teddy really was threatened Seb wouldn't back off, even though he does hate confrontations. If that guy had tried to get in or anything,” Mark argued, not wanting his sister to get the wrong impression of Seb.

“He just wouldn't seek it out,” Leanne commented.

“I wasn't really seeking it. If that guy hadn't been there in the first place...”

“I know,” agreed Leanne. “All this is his fault. Not yours. You're quite right, he shouldn't have been there.”

“No.” Mark took in a deep breath and pushed it out. “At least he left.”

“Because you did the right thing and ignored him.”

“Mm. Britta did a ring around too, just to put any media off.”

“Good, well then hopefully you'll have no more trouble.”

“I hope so.”

“So do I.”

Mark looked over to Teddy still sleeping.

“I hate to think if Seb had been on his own here with Teddy,” he admitted.

Leanne nodded. She knew why that was and the fact Seb had been the one to react more sensibly wasn't Mark's point.

“Well he wasn't,” she stated firmly. “So forget that. Besides you're the one on leave so he's not likely to be home alone much this year is he?”

“No, guess not,” agreed Mark finding comfort in that. He might make blunders, but Mark would far rather be here to face any monsters at the door.

 

“No one's bothered you have they?” checked Mark.

“Nah we're fine. I don't think any press can be bothered trekking out here and our numbers are private.”

“Good.”

“And I've made sure the girls stay off Twitter and all that this week.”

“Thanks. Tell them I'm sorry.”

“Don't be daft. They understand. And anyway it's good for them. A bit of time detached from their phones is no bad thing at all.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I'm not sure they'll feel the same way.”

“Well it won't kill them to talk to their family instead for a few days.”

“No trouble at school?”

“Nope. I'm not sure this kind of news is that exciting to teenagers, though the girls themselves can't wait to meet Teddy.”

Mark smiled.

“Well that's nice. I'm looking forward to coming to see you all soon.”

“Great.”

“And Ryan's okay?”

“Oh he's fine. Busy with his rugby. He's looking forward to you coming too.”

“To meet the baby or to get to go to the race?” smiled Mark.

“Ah well, perhaps a little more of the latter.”

“That's okay. I don't think I was that interested in babies when I was twelve.”

Leanne smiled.

“In all honesty Mark I didn't used to think you were that interested in babies at all.”

“Hey I loved your kids as babies. I love being an uncle.”

“Yeah I know. I'm only teasing. I should have guessed with how good you always were with them.”

“What that this was on the cards?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I didn't guess, so you're not the only one,” confessed Mark.

“I did think there was more potentially ahead for you, though I don't pretend I knew anything for sure.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark. “Now I only wonder how it took me so long. Then again I think maybe the timings not so bad.”

“With you being married a year?”

“Hm? Oh I guess, no I meant with Porsche. It feels about right to be taking some time away from driving. I don't think I could have done it at Seb's age.”

“Oh I see.”

“Though yeah I guess the timing with us too isn't bad. I kindof like that we're married if we have a baby.” Mark smiled. “How very old-fashioned of me.”

“Well, it's nice for Teddy to have security. You and Seb are rock solid. Don't fret so much about one bad moment in a difficult week. In the scheme of things I think you're doing pretty well.”

“Thanks.”

 

“So what now then?” enquired Leanne.

“Now? Well I guess we just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. Hope there's no repeat.”

“Right. And you and Seb?”

Mark took in a deep breath.

“I should go see if he's done swimming.”

Leanne nodded.

“Go give him a hug, then give him an extra one from me.”

Mark smiled.

“I'm sure he'll appreciate it.”

“Good, then the one he gives you in return is from me.”

Mark chuckled.

“Proxy hugs?”

“Yeah.”

“Ha, me and Seb generally rely on virtual hugs when we're apart.”

“Virtual hugs?”

“Yeah, you know, over the phone.”

“Oh god you two really are too sweet. Go on, go make sure everything's alright and you'll feel better.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“No problem. Oh and give Teddy a kiss from his auntie.”

Mark smiled.

“Sure.”

“Is he still asleep?”

Mark looked over to the crib. Teddy was moving about a little again.

“Yeah. I still feel rotten I scared him by making a scene.”

“He's fine now.”

“How do you know?”

“You just said he's asleep. If he was upset he'd be letting you know wouldn't he?”

“Oh. Guess so.”

“Try and move on Mark. You've got enough to deal with right now.”

“With the media you mean?”

“With a baby to look after.”

“Ah. Yeah.”

“So my advice for what it's worth, is close the curtains and focus on what really matters to you, forget the world outside.”

“Mm, think I should go make dinner to make it up to him.”

“Well if it makes you feel better.”

“I think it will.”

“Right then. Other than that just... I dunno, stick a cheery film on and cuddle up on the sofa. One day your little boy won't want to do that any more, so take it from me, make the most of it while you can,” suggested Leanne.

 

Mark looked to Teddy. It was hard to imagine their little boy being a teenager one day, sulking about something no doubt, not wanting to spend time with his embarrassing Dad and Papa. Mark smiled. He could barely imagine Teddy as a toddler, never mind a teenager, but one day...

Teddy moved about again and flailed out a hand before his eyes flickered open and he let out little noises that Mark knew would get louder in a minute.

“Thanks. I think he heard you.”

“Is he awake?”

“Yeah I should go. Thanks Leanne I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. Any time. And I mean that. You can call me any time.”

Teddy was starting to grizzle and Mark stood up.

“Yeah thanks, still sorry I woke you up and Dean. Love you.”

“Love you too and to Teddy and Seb.

“Thanks and your lot. Bye.”

“Bye.”

 

Mark dropped the phone onto the bed and hurried to scoop Teddy out of the crib before he actually began crying.

“Hey little man, Daddy's here. Sorry mate, that was your Auntie Leanne I was talking to.”

He cradled Teddy in his arms and rocked him slightly to comfort him, angling his head so Teddy could see his face.

“She's very sensible your Auntie Leanne. I'd get her number on speed dial when I was older if I were you kiddo. Shame she's so far away.”

Teddy settled and Mark slowed his arms. He dipped down to kiss his forehead.

“That's from her sweetheart. She can't wait to meet you.”

Mark lifted him up a little higher to look into those lovely blue eyes.

“Love you. Love you more than anything Teddy. We're trying our best to look after you and protect you. I hope you can forgive us, me, if we don't always get it right.”

Teddy wriggled slightly and Mark smiled. If he was going to do that looking after he promised then investigating his son's nappy was more important than making himself feel better.

“C'mon then mate, nappy time, then we'll go find Papa. Please don't pee on me this time.”  
  


  
  


Mark carried a changed Teddy downstairs to look for Seb in the pool as his sister had advised, but finding it empty he retraced his steps found Seb just drying off in the changing room after taking a shower. Sebastian was only wearing a towel as he hung up his trunks and the other damp towels to dry.

“Hey,” greeted Mark.

Sebastian turned around.

“Oh hey.” He crossed to look in at Teddy. “Aw look at you in your little dino outfit.”

Mark smiled.

“I thought you'd like it. Have a good swim?”

“Yeah good thanks. Sorry to leave you to it.”

“Oh, no he had a nap and I called Leanne.”

“Oh right.”

“Just for a chat.”

“Sure. She alright?”

“Yeah fine. Remarkably unperturbed by the fact I woke her in the middle of their night.”

“Ah.”

“Mm. I'm not displaying the finest of judgement today.”

Seb looked at him and gave a little shake of his head.

“Liebling stop worrying about it.”

“I just... I'm really sorry I made things worse. I hate that I upset you and scared you both.”

“No Liebling it's okay. It was only for a moment. You didn't scare me, I was just worried.”

They both knew he meant anxious, but Mark wasn't about to say so.

“I'm still sorry.”

“Alright, it's past. He's gone. It was their fault for causing us to get worked up, not yours Liebling. You just wanted to make him go away. I understand. I just freaked out a little too.”

“Because of me.”

“Caused by him. And he's gone and we're okay. So it's done,” asserted Seb very finally. Alright?”

“Alright,” accepted Mark.

Mark hitched Teddy to hold him in one arm and gave Sebastian a one-armed hug.

“Love you darling.”

Seb hugged him back, taking care not to squeeze Teddy who he gave a little kiss to.

“Love you too. Both of you.”

He took Teddy from Mark as they moved apart, jigging him up a fraction as he smiled at their son in his little outfit.

 

“Oh and that was from Leanne by the way,” noted Mark.

“Hm?”

“The hug. By proxy,” Mark explained.

“Oh I see. Well thanks to her as well. She's so nice your sister.”

“She is,” agreed Mark.

“Did she help?”

Mark huffed a laugh at Seb guessing why he'd called her.

“Yeah she did. She always does.”

“Good.” Seb reached up to kiss Mark's cheek. “Do you feel better then?”

Mark took in a deep breath and nodded.

“Do you feel better for a proper swim?” he enquired.

“Yeah. It just calms me.”

“Good job we've got the pool then.”

“Mm.”

“Okay. I thought I'd cook us a nice dinner. What would you like?”

“Anything you cook will be lovely,” assured Seb.

“Flatterer.”

Sebastian looked at him, knowing of course that Mark was trying to make things up to him because he felt guilty.

“I love you Liebling. Don't torture yourself about earlier. Let's just have a nice evening and forget it.”

Mark smiled and kissed Seb on the cheek.

“That's what Leanne said.”

“Well I said she was good.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Too right.”

“She okay?” checked Seb. “Apart from being woken up?”

“She's fine. Everything's good their end.”

“Okay then, well I guess I'd better go get dressed.”

“Righto. I'll start investigating dinner.”

Mark took Teddy back.

“You don't want me to take him?” checked Seb.

“Ah I'll just have a trawl.”

“I won't be long.” Sebastian glanced around the changing room. “You know we should get a changing table for in here, then we won't have to put your hoodies at risk.”

Mark huffed a laugh. In truth he rather enjoyed seeing their son bundled up all cosy in his hoodies, but he could do that anyway.

“Sure sweetheart. Good idea.”

  
  


  
  


As they settled in together on the sofa after dinner Seb held Teddy in his arms while they watched the prescribed upbeat film, curtains closed, lamps on low. Mark kept his arm around them both, Seb's head resting on his shoulder once more, though the mood was very different to how it had been hours earlier. Sebastian looked down to see Teddy was fast asleep and let out a soft sigh.

“He looks so lovely like this.”

Mark smiled down at their son.

“He always looks lovely.”

“Yeah.”

They looked at one another.

“Do you think we should go up?” asked Seb.

“Do you want to?”

Sebastian sighed again.

“Dunno. This is nice.”

“Yeah.”

“It's nice to just be us. Well, to really feel like it's just us.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark quietly.

They went back to gazing at their son. He did look gorgeous like this, all cosily wrapped up and at peace, every little feature at rest, tiny pink lips slightly parted as he breathed, little blonde lashes fringing blissfully closed eyes. It was almost hard to believe in these moments that such a little thing could produce such a din when he chose, usually of course when his parents were in turn fast asleep.

 

“Are you sure you still want all our visitors this weekend?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian looked to him.

“We've already put Jess and Jenson off once.”

“I know, but they'd understand.”

Seb paused, then shook his head.

“No Liebling I think it'd be nice to have something to look forward to. Unless you think not?”

Mark shrugged one shoulder.

“No. It'd be nice to see them. And they really have been good friends keeping this little one secret.”

“Not secret any more,” noted Seb.

“Indeed,” agreed Mark. “Yeah you're right sweetheart, it'll be nice to have something to look forward to and they're only staying a few hours.”

“And Christian on Sunday.”

“Ah yes. Well, gotta stay in good with the boss.”

“He's Teddy's godfather, will be anyway.”

“Course he is. Yeah course he should come.”

“We should do a food order for Saturday morning.”

“Jenson does usually eat us out of house and home,” joked Mark.

“Well I really meant for Sunday lunch.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Sure. Whatcha fancy? Roast chicken? Lamb?”

Seb took in a deep breath as if he could breathe the scent of cooking food in.

“Chicken maybe?”

“Sounds good,” concurred Mark. “And we can do a reccy of Teddy's supplies while we're at it and order up.”

“Sure.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah maybe it's best we'll be nice and busy.”

“Mm.” Seb looked to him. “This will be over by then won't it?”

“Hopefully yeah.”

Seb scrunched his face so Mark squeezed him in a bit.

“C'mon, we're not thinking about stuff tonight. We're just having nice family time.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian rested his head back down on Mark's shoulder, looking down at Teddy again before drifting back to watch the film, laughing at something silly and loving the way he could feel Mark's body move against him as he laughed along. Teddy didn't seem to feel a thing, just a nice warm little weight in Seb's arms held up by a cushion, breathing in and out, in and out, quite content.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


On Thursday morning one of the first things they did once it was light was to go up to the vantage point in the bathroom to check that there were no suspicious characters snooping from the lane. They'd been up a little while giving Teddy a feed after what Mark joked was his 'morning alarm' cry for milk, which Seb soothed away while Mark hot-footed (or more accurately cold-footed) down to kitchen to fetch, settling back into bed to give it to him and steal a little more rest while the bed was still warm and they were still sleepy.

Just when it had looked as though their son might drop off for a snooze afterwards, Teddy roused himself and bed was abandoned as they went to change his nappy. As Mark stood holding him afterwards they tried to cheer the baby up by pointing out things from the window which Teddy affected no interest in. It did draw their attention to the fact that dawn had broken though, so once Teddy began to show signs of his eyelids drooping once more they risked putting him down in the cot for a minute and went to the bathroom.

They both puffed out long breaths to see that there was nobody there.

“I suppose it is still early,” noted Seb.

“Mm, well we'll just have to keep an eye.”

“Maybe he really did learn his lesson?”

“Hopefully.”

“Do you think we should call Pauline and tell her to not come today?”

Mark puffed another breath. He didn't think things would end well if she bumped into a journalist outside their house, but at the same time Mark didn't like the idea of them having their lives affected by just one man causing trouble by simply showing up.

“I dunno. I think if we check and no one's there? She usually gets here for nine. Can't be more than a five minute journey.”

“So come up and make sure?”

“Yeah. What do you reckon?” asked Mark.

Sebastian nodded. He liked Pauline's little visits. Apart from the housework help being obviously very useful, her now daily weekday stop-ins were part of their routine. It felt normal to have her over. He wanted to feel normal.

“Right then, what say we get some breakfast ourselves?” proposed Mark.

“Yeah I'm hungry actually,” agreed Seb.

Mark gave him a smile. Seb being hungry during a stressful time was a good sign in his book. When he stopped eating Mark knew they were in real trouble. They had to not let this all get on top of them.

 

They went back through to the nursery to find Teddy fast asleep. Both his parents stood by the cot looking down at him.

 _“Now_ he sleeps,” commented Mark wryly.

“Well now he's fed and changed,” Seb noted.

“Fair point.” Mark made a little clicking noise with his tongue as he pondered things. “You reckon we could leave him to it? Bring the monitor down and see if we could make and eat breakfast without taking turns to juggle him?”

Sebastian scrunched his face a little.

“I dunno.” He paused as he watched Teddy steadily breathing. If they moved him now he'd probably wake up. He did look pretty happy where he was. Seb looked to Mark. “Maybe?”

“Just have twenty minutes. We'll hear anything if he needs us.”

“I guess. Yeah okay.”

Seb pulled the blanket to tuck it over Teddy's sleeping form, watching over him while Mark bobbed back to the bedroom where they had left the baby monitor receiver from the day before.

“'kay?” checked Mark as he came back in.

“Yep.”

 

Sebastian forced himself to walk away. Both of them being a whole floor away from their son felt like a big deal. Once they got down to the kitchen he turned the monitor up to full volume as Mark gave the dogs a quick hello fuss. Sebastian leaned in to check he could hear Teddy breathing. Their son was usually a pretty audible breather. Seb found that comforting when he lay in his crib two feet away from the bed at night, just lying there listening to their son breathing, knowing he was okay.

“Alright?”

Seb lifted up to nod.

“Yeah think so.”

“Good. He's fine darling. Totally oblivious as he kips. He's perfectly safe in the nursery.”

“I know. Just, yeah... It's fine.”

Mark washed his hands from petting the dogs and filled the kettle while Seb in turn gave them a stroke, finding it comforting as he always did. Seb wondered how they felt about the way their masters gave so much of their attention to someone else these days. Shadow and Simba really were very good around the baby, seeming to have realised that if they didn't behave then they wouldn't be welcomed in the lounge or get the walks they loved. It was a bit unfair, but Teddy had to be their priority now.

“Whatcha fancy then sweetheart? Shall we push the boat out and have something other than toast for once?” asked Mark.

Sebastian stood up to join him. Toast was easiest to eat when you had a baby in one arm.

“Scrambled egg maybe?”

“Sure. With toast?”

“Yeah.”

“Right you are then.”

Mark poured hot water into the teapot while Seb washed his own hands before assembling the ingredients. He slotted bread into the toaster wondering if Antti would say he shouldn't have butter on it. Eggs were good though, protein, he'd approve of that. Perhaps they could do the same as yesterday and have a family swim followed by him doing some training laps if Mark didn't mind looking after Teddy? Seb was pretty sure he wouldn't mind.

“Shall I do honours with the eggs then?” asked Mark already getting the pan.

“Oh um, sure.”

Sebastian glanced towards the door and Mark smiled, knowing what that meant.

“You wanna go check on him while I get busy?”

Seb nodded.

“Thanks Liebling. Won't be a sec.”

Sebastian dashed upstairs, slowing as he got to the nursery door which they had set to so there wasn't a draft. He opened it cautiously, not wanting to make a noise, and Sebastian tiptoed in to find Teddy in precisely the same state they had left him; little arms for some reason up by his head as if in surrender to sleep. Sebastian let out a long breath. He knew he was a fretful parent. Maybe he needed to keep building up little partings like this so he learnt not to panic when Teddy wasn't with them every moment? Seb looked at him for another moment, then resisted the urge to stroke his cheek in case he woke him and backed out of the room to go downstairs.

 

As he walked back into the kitchen Mark looked up from stirring the eggs.

“He alright then?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Fine. Thank you for not saying I'm being paranoid.”

“You're not. Don't worry about it. I wouldn't want to leave him if he wasn't asleep.”

“Okay.”

“Right then. Can you rescue the toast? I'm nearly ready to plate up.”

 

They sorted out their breakfast and sat down at the table to eat it, using a now novel approach of having two free hands to cut food and eat it whilst drinking a beverage that was still hot and fresh.

“This is nice,” admitted Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You can relax enough to enjoy a tiny bit of freedom?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“Not if we didn't have the monitor.”

“No, well me neither.”

Seb ate a little more of his food, then sipped his tea.

“I still couldn't leave him in there overnight,” he admitted.

Mark shook his head.

“No darling me neither. Far too long. Besides we're up and down with him. I don't much see how it would be any more convenient other than being by the changing stuff.”

“I just like him close.”

“Yep.”

“And it's better for him.”

Mark put his fork down and placed his hand over Seb's where he held his mug resting on the table.

“Sweetheart I understand. There's no rush to change anything until either he outgrows the crib or starts sleeping longer maybe?”

“Yeah.”

“Until the summer at least or so I would have thought,” offered Mark. “We can always shift the cot into our bedroom if he gets a bit big for the crib.”

“I think he's alright in it until he can sit up.”

“Sure.” Mark smiled. “Don't want him making a bid for freedom in the middle of the night.”

“No. I don't think we need to worry about that until he's six months or so.”

Mark nodded. He wondered how their son being a little premature would affect developmental things like that, but the midwife hadn't seemed overly concerned. They would just have to see. As long as their son was safe and healthy he didn't want to worry too much about other things just yet.

 

“You want me to bob up and check on him?”

Sebastian shook his head. They could still hear Teddy breathing on the monitor. There was the odd tiny murmur, but nothing that had encouraged them to pelt upstairs to rescue him.

“No it's okay Liebling. He's happy asleep. Besides perhaps it's good that he tries it out a bit in case you need to put him down when I'm away at testing and you're on your own.”

“Mm, probably only to grab a shower or whatever. I think I've mastered the one handed bottle making technique.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah. Maybe in the night it might be easier to still come down on your own though?”

“I guess. Though he'd be in the crib. I'll have to move the monitor into our room for when you're away.”

“Only two nights.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked at his tea, then back at Mark.

“It's going to be really hard to go away Liebling,” he confessed.

Mark rubbed over the back of Seb's hand with his thumb.

“I know.”

Seb took a deep breath.

“I know it's only two nights.”

“Still tough.”

“I'll be busy in the day. It's the nights,” confessed Seb.

Mark gave him a smile.

“Get an uninterrupted night's sleep?”

“I'll probably still wake up.”

“Mm, well...” Mark looked at him. “Do you want us to change our plans, come with you?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Oh no Liebling you'd get so bored just sitting around all day at the track.”

“Ha, done that enough times before.”

“Yes but not with a baby to look after. Teddy's still small. You'd have to struggle with feeding and changing him.”

“Well I'm going to be doing that at races.”

“The facilities aren't quite the same as at proper races,” argued Seb. “No Liebling it's okay, I'll survive. Besides the media will be there and I think it might be best Teddy isn't while they might still be a bit... you know, while it's still new-ish news.”

“If you think so,” allowed Mark thinking he wasn't feeling too well disposed towards the media right now and if they crossed his path, or more pertinently, their son's, then it might not end well and Seb didn't need that, RedBull even less.

“Britta says we're going to be training the media a bit at testing,” explained Seb.

“Training them?”

Seb gave a little smile.

“Yeah. She's gonna put down the firm line in person at the start, then she says we can get them used to the fact I refuse to talk about stuff to do with Teddy, so when we get to races the paddock press know the score already.”

Mark nodded. He suspected that Britta was secretly training Seb on his responses as well, but it was good that she had a plan how to manage it.

“Okay well if you think it best,” he agreed. “You know I'll miss you too.”

Seb nodded.

“And Teddy will miss his papa,” added Mark.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark wasn't sure he should have added that last, but then he thought Seb would be sadder if their son _didn't_ miss him.

 

“It'll be alright darling. Two days, two nights, then we'll all be back together,” he assured.

“Mm. Then again the week after,” reminded Sebastian.

“We'll manage.”

“You sure you'll be okay on your own with Teddy?”

“Well Pauline will be over as usual, so I'm not entirely on my own.”

“I guess.”

“Teddy and I will be fine. And I really won't leave him alone in either his crib or the nursery any more than I absolutely have to,” vowed Mark.

“I know you won't. It's okay. You're right, we'll manage.”

 

Mark nodded and gave Seb's hand another rub before letting it go to have a drink of tea.

“Tell you what, why don't we have a crack at doing that Facetiming thing?” he proposed.

“Oh yeah that's good idea,” agreed Seb.

“Then we can see each other when we do our calls and Teddy can still see you and you'll know everything's alright.”

“Yeah okay. I think I might need to ask my brother about how to do it,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You're good with technology.”

“Just to get started.”

“Sure. Great, well there we go. Wait till our mums find out they can do that with us.”

“With Teddy,” specified Seb with a smile.

“Yeah exactly.”

 

They ate some more of their breakfast, just about finishing it before there came a few slightly louder murmurs and the plates were abandoned as both of them went up to the nursery to be certain their son was okay. Seb let Mark be the one to go check the lane was clear this time as he stood holding Teddy by the doorway of the nursery, watching over to the bathroom, still not wanting to have their son be there while they checked. A moment later Mark came back and Seb knew from his body-language that they were okay before Mark spoke.

“All clear.”

“Good.”

Mark gave Teddy's cheek a stroke.

“Nice little nap?”

Teddy was resting the side of his face into Seb's shoulder, not looking terribly active, so Mark stroked over his back instead.

“Still a bit tired,” he guessed. “Me too mate.” Mark looked to Sebastian instead. “Why don't we go hole up in the lounge until Pauline's due?”

“Yeah good idea Liebling,” concurred Sebastian. “He'll probably want his bottle in a bit.”

“Sure. Time for your feed too, eh kiddo? Good stuff.”

  
  


 

They weren't quite able to stop themselves making another two turns to go check that there was nobody outside the house, using the bathroom window each time. It would be easier to look by opening the front door, but then if someone was there they could get a shot of them doing that, so instead they stuck to the surreptitious method where they couldn't be seen. When Mark came back down at about ten to nine he gave Seb a little smile to reassure him as soon as he walked into the room.

“All fine. No need to warn Pauline off,” he assured.

“Good. _Pf_ _f_ _f_. God, are we going crazy with this?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark shrugged a shoulder as he sat back down beside them.

“That's four times we've looked and it's not even nine am,” Seb pointed out.

“Mm, well.”

Sebastian sighed and looked at the dogs who they had allowed in to sit with them.

“I suppose we should take them out for their walk when Pauline gets here.”

“You don't sound keen,” judged Mark.

Sebastian scrunched his face. He knew it was wrong that one random man hanging around for a couple of hours yesterday could have such an affect on him, but the truth was, leaving the safe space that was their house simply didn't feel right now. Seb wanted to stay inside their bubble, even if there was no sign of any threat outside.

“I think I'd just rather go swimming,” he admitted.

Mark nodded, then looked to the dogs.

“Reckon they'd enjoy that too,” he joked, trying for levity.

Seb gave him a weak smile.

“I didn't mean them.”

“I know darling.”

“I'd just rather stay in.” Seb sighed. “Maybe it's cowardly? I know we should just live our life and not let them affect us.”

Mark fitted his arm around him and shook his head.

“No sweetheart. It's made us uncomfortable. That's not our fault. I think we should just do whatever feels right. Swimming's a good idea. Maybe after we've said hello to Pauline?”

“Yeah okay.”

“She'd probably walk them if we asked,” Mark noted.

“Hm. I was thinking we could just let them play in the garden,” suggested Seb, “maybe sit out with them in the afternoon if the weather's okay?”

Mark glanced towards the window. It wasn't looking too inspiring out there, but there was no sign of rain.

“Sure,” he agreed, then paused as a thought struck him. “You know we could open the side gate, after Pauline's gone I mean, and let them go in front. If the front gate is locked they can't get out.”

Sebastian looked at him, knowing what Mark was proposing.

“As guard dogs you mean?”

“Well... they would bark if a stranger came by. Couldn't hurt to have an early warning system in place.”

“Not permanently,” argued Seb. “I don't think that would be fair on them.”

“No just, I dunno, today and tomorrow maybe? Set our minds at rest a bit. They'd let us know sharpish if their was someone dodgy about.”

 

Sebastian nodded slowly. Shadow and Simba were very protective of them. If someone who they felt threatened their family got too close and did something stupid like reach over the gate then Seb suspected that person might regret it. They were big dogs, though of course when you knew them it was clear that they were actually very friendly creatures, but a snooper wouldn't know that.

“Yeah okay. After Pauline's gone,” he agreed. “Just a bit for today and tomorrow. As long as they don't mind.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and beckon the dogs over, looking at them quite seriously.

“Right boys, we've got a job for you. Think you can keep watch for us? Let us know if anyone dodgy is about?”

The dogs were stood by him so Mark gave them a stroke.

“You can do that can't you?” he asked as they pressed in, appreciating the attention.

“Not the postman though,” Seb added, as though the dogs were taking notes on their instructions.

Mark smiled.

“Yeah no biting postie or he won't come back.”

Seb smiled as well.

“They wouldn't. They know him.”

Mark nodded, thinking they'd better hope their usual postman wasn't on holiday, not that they were expecting any deliveries. He gave the dogs another stroke as they cautiously raised their heads up to look at the baby held in Seb's arms. Big brown eyes glanced back to him and Mark smiled at them thinking how it was as though they were checking that they weren't about to be told off for getting too close. Mark gave them a little nod to tell them that they were okay, but no nearer. He wanted them to know that this was who they were charged with protecting. Mark resolved to give them a little talking to when they let them out later.

 

Their conversation was curtailed by a sound coming from the lane and the dogs instantly lifted their heads, on alert. Mark stood to see and after a moment the front of Pauline's car nosed into view on the drive.

“It's Pauline,” reported Mark, reaching down to give the dogs a stroke so they knew everything was well.

“Ah okay,” nodded Seb.

Mark watched as Pauline climbed out of the car, then went back on herself down the drive. He smiled, thinking it was good that they didn't need to remind her to do things like re-lock the gate after herself. A moment or two later the front door opened and Seb stood with Mark, knowing that they would need to explain things to her. Time to make another pot of tea and have a sit down at the kitchen table. Mark already thought they would need to play down their concerns before Pauline outdid him and decided to go on the hunt for whoever had disturbed them.

 

“Disgraceful,” huffed Pauline shaking her head.

“Mm,” agreed Mark.

“He didn't actually try to speak to you or anything?”

“We didn't go out there,” assured Sebastian, not wanting to get into the drama there had been around that.

“No, well I suppose that's best. You should have called the police, got him done for loitering.”

Mark shifted Teddy in his arms as he murmured, then glanced to Seb.

“We didn't want to escalate things,” he explained.

“I suppose. Oh dear. Well, there was nobody out there just now.”

“We're going to let the dogs into the front after you've gone,” stated Sebastian.

“Ah, well that's a good idea,” concurred Pauline, giving the dogs who were wandering around them a stroke. She looked at Shadow and Simba. “Mind you bite any reporters you see trying to get in.”

Mark tried not to smile too much, though he wasn't in the mood to disagree with the sentiment.

“We really don't think he'll be back,” he asserted, overlooking the number of times they had just 'made sure' already today.

“I sincerely hope not,” agreed Pauline. “He'll regret it if I see him.”

Sebastian could tell from her tone that she meant it and was more grateful than ever that there was nobody out there. He didn't think their housekeeper causing a contretemps outside the house would generate any good publicity for them, but as he caught Mark's eye he could tell that he was imagining Pauline setting to, and even in all their strife the idea of this nice middle-aged country lady giving some reporter a lecture and threatening to belt him around the head with her handbag if he didn't shift himself, did seem somewhat amusing. Still far better that it didn't happen though.

  
  


  
  


It took a little while to have their discussion, Seb and Mark oddly feeling a little better for assuring Pauline before leaving her to get on with her work while they took Teddy for a swim. By the time Mark took Teddy out it had been some while since they had checked the lane, but Mark knew he couldn't be worrying about that when his son needed dressing to keep him warm. Once he'd done that he looked down at Teddy on the changing table in the nursery, giving him a smile as the baby waggled his little legs on the mat.

“Yeah that's what you need to do in the water mate,” Mark noted.

Teddy slowed and looked up at him so Mark put his hand at the side of his face and stroked over that round little cheek, marvelling at its softness.

“You'll learn. No rush.” Mark took a deep breath. “Right Teddy sweetheart will you be alright if I just put you down a mo and go have a quick look outside?”

Teddy murmured indistinctly and Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I'll take that as a yes.”

He lifted him up to put Teddy in the cot, leaning over so he could see his face.

“Just one sec and I'll be right back kiddo.”

Mark took a deep breath and nipped through to the bathroom, re-opening the window and peering out, checking one way then the other before letting out a long sigh and going back to Teddy. He lifted him out of the cot and gave his son a kiss on the cheek.

“Nowt to worry about. I think your daddy and papa are getting a bit paranoid son.”

Mark sighed out a breath and gave Teddy a little cuddle, more to reassure himself than the baby. He hated, _hated_ , the idea of anyone threatening him. Mark moved to give Teddy a smile.

“Right mate your daddy should probably get dressed too. You wanna come with me?”

He carried the baby through to the bedroom where he laid him in his crib, chubbing his cheek with a knuckle and smiling at him.

“Clothes then. Shame I don't have anything as comfy as what you're wearing.”

Mark chuckled to himself imagining himself wearing a cosy onesie like his son, or even better, a replica of his little dinosaur outfit. Seb would no doubt love that. He shook his head at the thoughts that ran through his head these days and went to find an almost as comfortable outfit of tracksuit bottoms, t-shirt and fresh hoody before retrieving his son from the crib.

“There we go then. Now, shall we go see how Auntie Pauline is getting on while we wait for Papa to emerge from the pool?” Mark smiled at Teddy. “He's got to do his training you see. It's not so far off testing now. Then you and I will have to muddle through without him for a couple of days.”

Mark sighed. He didn't like the idea of Seb going off on his own any more than Seb did, but he knew it was probably for the best they stayed home. Over a week off yet. Mark determined not to think about it and took Teddy downstairs to go distract Pauline and himself.

  
  


  
  


It was another hour before Pauline had finally completed her work, interrupted by stealing cuddles with Teddy while Mark made himself a cup of tea. Sebastian was back with them, dried and dressed following his swim by the time she was ready to go. As Pauline left Mark risked looking out from the front door to be sure there was nobody around and seeing that there wasn't he went out with her so he could open and shut the gate to save Pauline stop-starting the car, which he knew was a bit of a palaver.

Mark gave her a wave as he closed it and slotted the lock firmly into place. He cast a look down the lane in each direction. Not a soul about, not even any sign of passing horses today. He could hear the farmer's tractor in the distance but that was the limit of activity beyond a few birds singing. Mark leaned on the top bar of the gate for a moment. Perhaps they _were_ fretting too much about all this and no doubt they'd be fine to take the dogs for a nice stroll, but if holing up made Seb feel comforted for a day or two what harm did it do? They could stick a film on, bring some toys down to play with Teddy, whatever made them happy.

Mark went back into the house, shutting the front door behind him as he went to find Seb and Teddy still in the kitchen.

“All okay?” checked Seb.

“Yep, just doing the gate for her,” Mark explained.

“Ah right.”

“So then, shall we let these guys out?”

Mark gave the dogs a rub where they wound around his legs. Sebastian looked at them.

“It's not too cold is it Liebling?” he checked. “I don't want to leave them out for hours if it is.”

“Nah it's pretty mild. They'll be fine darling.”

“Okay. We should stick their bowls out so they've got food and water,” suggested Seb.

“Good idea.”

Mark went to refill the dogs' bowls, opening the back door to place them to the side out where they could have easy access, then he stepped back inside and beckoned Shadow and Simba over, leading them out and showing them the bowls so they understood they were there. He leaned in through the doorway to Seb at at the kitchen table with Teddy.

“I'll just go open the side gate and explain to them that they're allowed in the front today,” he stated.

“Sure.”

Mark put the door to and Sebastian smiled down at Teddy.

“It might sound crazy Liebling but we're pretty sure they really do understand you know.”

 

Outside Mark was walking the dogs around to the side of the house before doing as he had said and unlocking the side gate to prop it open. Mark ducked down with them and gave the dogs a stroke.

“Right boys. So we've got a favour to ask today. I need you to keep watch for me, make sure no strangers come too close to the house. If anyone is hanging around then you give us a good bark, you hear?”

He stroked them again and looked into those brown eyes.

“You can do that for us can't you fellas? I need you to help protect our little one. He's yours to look after, our little Teddy. Don't let any bad people near, you understand?”

Mark gave them a smile and another stroke.

“You're good boys. I know I can rely on you. Don't bite anyone unless you really have to, but give us a nice loud bark. Good boys, yeah. It's not too cold is it? Just have a play. I'll put some of your toys out and we'll come and join you a bit later on.”

Mark stood up and pointed through the open gate.

“Remember, you're allowed in the front today. You can play in the back as normal, but just do both for me, okay?”

Mark walked back around to the back door and the dogs trailed with him. He stopped and shook his head.

“Daft things. The front, remember. I need you to watch the front for me.”

He ducked back down and looked at the firmly.

“I need you to protect your family, keep watch so we don't worry so much today. Yeah?”

Mark nodded as if they had agreed the matter and went into the kitchen to find the little selection of chewed toys from beside and in their baskets, then lobbed them out onto the grass before shutting the back door as the dogs chased after them. He looked back to Seb and Teddy.

 

“All okay?” checked Seb.

“Yep, we're good. I'm sure if they hear anything in front they'll be round there like a shot.”

“I hope they don't startle any horses going by.”

“Hmm.”

Mark reopened the back door and whistled to the dogs to get them to come back. As they stood by the door he ducked down and looked at them seriously.

“Seb's got a good point boys. No barking at horses that might go by. They're allowed.”

“And anyone just walking past,” called over Seb.

Mark smiled and looked back to Shadow and Simba.

“Yeah okay. Anyone legitimately just going past is okay. Don't scare them, just keep an eye out for anyone who looks dodgy.”

He leaned out of the doorway closer to them and spoke quietly.

“Anyone like that hanging around you feel free to scare the bejeezuz out of boys, then come and tell us.”

Mark gave them a nod and spoke more loudly.

“Good lads then, ears pricked. We'll come check on you in a bit.”

With a last stroke Mark stood away and sent them off before shutting the door and washing his hands before going over to Seb.

 

“Right, that's that sorted.”

He sat down beside them.

“You think they'll be alright?” wondered Sebastian.

“Oh they're quite happy to have the run of the place. I'm sure they're feeling very important.”

Seb smiled.

“We'll have to give them a nice reward.”

“I'm sure we can dig out a few treats.”

“I suppose it is good for them to get lots of fresh air.”

“Sure. And this way we know if we don't hear anything, we're alright,” assured Mark.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“It's like Sherlock Holmes.”

“Hmm?”

“The dog that didn't bark in the night-time.”

Mark looked at him blankly and Sebastian shook his head.

“You've never read them?”

“Nope. I guess I've seen some on TV and that new one you like.”

“That's not quite the same, but yeah. Wow you should read the original books, they're really good.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Did you have them in German?”

“I read the English versions.”

“Of course you did.”

Sebastian pouted.

“You're teasing me.”

“Only a bit darling. I'll have to stick them on the Kindle. Maybe when we're at races this little guy might have a nap and let me have a read.”

Sebastian angled his head down to Teddy lying in his arms.

“He looks sleepy.”

“Mm. Well let's have a sit down and let him nap before he gets hungry again,” proposed Mark. “I reckon we've still got _Sherlock_ on the box, we can watch that if you fancy it?”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“They're pretty different from the originals.”

“Meh, but still.”

“Sure.”

Seb stood and they went through to give their brains something else to occupy them. Teddy was entirely uninterested and obligingly fell asleep leaving his parents leaning in together watching the television, an ear open for any alarm calls from the dogs, but no longer having to traipse up and down the stairs to spy out for any trouble, the only dodgy characters now on TV.

  
  


  
  


Though both of them struggled to entirely forget that there was anything they need concern themselves with, they didn't manage to relax a bit, only now looking out when they actually needed to go to use the bathroom for the usual reason. By the time they were getting their and Teddy's lunch things were beginning to feel more normal. As Mark got food ready Seb opened up the back door to say hello to the dogs and thanked them for their work.

“You are good,” praised Seb. “Aren't they good Teddy?”

The dogs barked up and Sebastian just gave them a smile, not really able to duck down with them while he held the baby. He looked back to Mark.

“Shall we have a sit out after we've spoken to Britta?”

“Sure. Right this is ready.” Mark came over. “Boys are you coming in for a bit or staying out?”

The dogs looked to him, then each other before running back across the lawn.

“Guess that's my answer,” smiled Mark. “Right then sweetheart. Lunch?”

“Yep.”

  
  


  
  


A while later they made good on their promise and sat outside, Teddy wrapped up on Mark's lap as Seb threw a chew toy for the dogs to chase. Britta hadn't been able to tell them that the story had gone away entirely yet, but it was reassuring to hear that for the most part the general papers hadn't found anything new to write. He smiled as Simba beat Shadow to the toy and raced back triumphant.

“Well done,” smiled Seb. “Good boys.”

He threw the toy again, then looked to Mark.

“Shall we give them some more treats?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Spoiling them.”

Seb shrugged.

“They deserve a bit of spoiling.”

“Yeah okay. Here boys!”

Mark spared a hand and picked up the packed of treats balanced on the wooden chair's arm by Seb, getting the dogs to run back, the toy dropped at their feet as Seb fished a couple out to give them, petting their heads as they made short work of them.

“You want me to send them round the front?” enquired Mark.

Seb gave a little shake of his head.

“I'm sure they'd hear.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I reckon they'd sense trouble half a mile off.”

Simba picked up one of the toys and looked hopefully up, so Seb took it and threw it again before turning to smile at Teddy. One day their son would be big enough to run around playing with the dogs, using up all his energy while his parents sat watching. Seb thought he'd feel old then, but he wouldn't mind a bit.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


The following day they followed much the same routine as they had on Thursday. The dogs had made a bit of a noise later in the afternoon, but when they looked from the lounge window they could see the top of tractor over the high hedge as it trundled by. Late on Friday morning it was the postman coming up the drive that caused a mild commotion. Both Mark and Seb stood from the sofa to look what it was, Teddy commencing crying in response to the fuss so Mark passed him over to Seb.

“I'll have a word.”

Sebastian jigged Teddy up a bit.

“I think I'll go see if he wants his bottle.”

“Yeah okay.”

They both went into the hall, heading in opposite directions as Seb went into the kitchen while Mark opened the front door to take the post, hushing the dogs who were stood guarding the step.

“Quiet now,” Mark instructed, pointing to the side where they dropped to sit down out of the way, ceasing barking, but still watching suspiciously.

Mark shook his head, then looked to the postman as he walked up the drive to the door.

“Sorry mate, I know they're not normally in front.”

The postman nodded and passed over a couple of letters, then shrugged a shoulder.

“Hazard of the job.”

“They won't give you any trouble. Will you boys?”

Mark eye-balled the dogs who dropped their heads as if knowing they had disobeyed his instructions.

“I can let you out,” offered Mark.

“No bother. Only a bolt isn't it?”

“Right. Thanks then.”

Mark watched as the postman went back down the drive, dutifully re-opening and closing the gate before locking it and giving a little wave, returning to his red post-van parked in the lane. Mark shook his head at the dogs sat by the front step.

“Honestly boys you know him. He's not a threat.”

Shadow let out a whine that Mark could have sworn was 'sorry', so he went to give them a stroke.

“Just one more day of this then I think we'll knock it on the head at the weekend. We do appreciate it, but just strangers and anyone lurking you bark at, okay?”

 

He gave them another rub then nodded as if they were agreeing the matter, then he stood and waved them away before going back in and shutting the door. Returning to the kitchen where Seb was feeding the baby, Mark dropped the post onto the table.

“They were just over-excited,” he reported.

“Okay.”

Mark sat and put an arm around him.

“I don't think we're getting anyone back sweetheart.”

Seb nodded.

“No I suppose. I mean they'd probably have been around yesterday if they were going to come back.”

“Exactly. Anyway at least we know the boys are on high alert even if they are just scaring the poor postman.”

“Oh dear. Was he alright?”

“Yeah, made of stern stuff. I did apologise, but it's fine.”

“Okay then.”

“Boys can stay out today and then I reckon after this we'll know we're right, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked to Teddy, if they could just get to this afternoon and get a clear report from Britta and be able to say things were fine to Rachel then it would feel as though they'd got through the first challenge, even if there were doubtless more to follow.

  
  


 

As they sat on the phone to Britta later on Teddy lay in his crib having fallen asleep after his lunch. They had brought it downstairs to allow them to have their own lunch and now their son rested peacefully, uninterested in the adults' conversation.

“So no more incidents then?” checked Britta.

“No we've been fine,” Seb assured her.

“Glad to hear it. Well as I said yesterday, I've not been able to discern any reports showing up anywhere that might have originated from whoever it was.”

“He wouldn't have had much to say,” noted Mark.

“No indeed.”

“So how is it generally?” asked Sebastian.

Britta puffed out a long breath.

“No more reporting it as news by this stage, except really on the motorsports sites, but they're not updated all that much this time of year.”

“Not a lot else to report,” commented Mark.

“Quite. Though there's a bunch of car launches due next week so I'm sure you'll be happy to be bumped from their pages.”

“We'll be quite happy to be old news won't we darling?”

“Yes,” agreed Seb. “More than happy.”

“Good, well other than that there are a few articles just generally,” reported Britta.

“Other than the tittle-tattle online, just a few discussing Mark really.”

“Me?” frowned Mark thinking that Seb was the more high-profile of them.

“Well yes. You are something of a pioneer.”

Mark coughed a little laugh.

“Really?”

“Yes actually. You might not be the first man to take a year's paternity leave, but you're the first well-known sportsman I can find, certainly a racing driver, to do so. Some of the broadsheets have a couple of opinion pieces on that, again really using your example as a jumping off point rather than the entire focus.”

Mark puffed out a long breath.

“Should I ask what they think?”

Sat in her office Britta smiled.

“I usually wouldn't recommend it, but generally they seem to think that they are very clever for knowing lots of long words that I suspect they pulled from a sociology textbook.”

Mark chuckled and even Seb smiled.

“Sorry. I'm getting cynical in my old age,” joked Britta. “Really, just the usual blah-blah about the changing world we live in.”

Seb put his hand on Mark's.

“You're a pioneer Liebling.”

“I doubt it. Besides you change as many nappies as me.”

“True.”

“Anyway,” picked up Britta. “Nothing of any particular note. The talk online will burn itself out and as I mentioned, next week gets busier in the world of F1 so they'll find other things to waste their time discussing.”

Mark huffed another little laugh and moved his hand so he could give Seb's a squeeze.

“May they have much joy of it. Right, well thanks for all your work on this Britta.”

“Yes thanks Britta and to anyone else who had to help,” added Seb.

“Quite alright. Next week I suppose we'll be back to business as usual.”

“I'll be in on Monday,” reminded Sebastian.

“Of course. Well I'll see you when you're in. Till then I'd just forget all this and enjoy your weekend,” advised Britta.

 

With more thanks and goodbyes they hung up, each pushing out little breaths of relief.

“That didn't sound too bad,” observed Mark.

“No guess not,” Seb agreed. “I wonder... Do you think we should have waited until next week to go public?”

“What and hope it got buried in the car launch stuff?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Maybe?”

“You're going to be busy next week though aren't you?”

“Well yeah.”

“And all those F1 journos gathered for free canapés. Not sure giving them fresh gossip to get over-excited by en masse is the best of ideas.”

“Mm, I suppose they do tend to work each other up,” admitted Seb.

“Bunch of old fish-wives,” dismissed Mark. “Nah sweetheart it's done. I'll give Porsche a quick ring then let's just wait for Rachel to call and look forward to the weekend, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

It was nearly two o'clock before Rachel rang them, but they stayed sat at the kitchen table, drinking tea and keeping an eye on Teddy while they waited. When she did call it was hard not to rush in with all their explanations and repeated reports from their PR departments, but they held back and let her speak, finding that she seemed to have a good appraisal of the situation.

“Much as we expected I think,” noted Rachel. “Though I'm sure still difficult for you.”

“We've not read any of it,” stated Mark.

“Of course. Well...”

“We just had our teams do that,” explained Sebastian, “but they've said it's mostly dropped off now.”

“Mm, well that's good.”

“Do you have to write a report on all this?”

“Um, well not exactly. I will include some notes in your file. Just to explain things. I will make sure I say how we planned and prepared for this. You don't need to worry.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian sat back a little and looked to Mark. It was hard not to worry what those who read those notes would think. Mark rubbed over his hand where Seb held a cooling mug of tea.

“It was pretty much as expected,” he noted.

“Yes and in the circumstances unavoidable,” agreed Rachel. “You did all you could and I'm certain you will in future to minimise it.”

“We will,” promised Seb.

“I know you will.”

“Okay, so we're alright then?” checked Mark.

“I've not seen anything to really cause alarm,” Rachel assured. “No personal details about Theo or around the adoption. As long as we keep things that way then we should be fine.”

 

Mark nodded and gave Seb a little smile. He noticed the way she used 'we' to tell them that she was on their side. Seb gave a nervous smile back, but he knew there was something they had not discussed yet.

“Umm, there was one more thing,” he began.

“Oh?”

“Yes, um, so the other afternoon, I think it was Wednesday, was it Wednesday Liebling?” checked Seb.

“Yeah Wednesday,” confirmed Mark.

“Right, so there was something, well not... I mean...”

He swallowed and looked to Mark as Sebastian struggled to find a way to put it.

“Erm, yeah there was a little thing we were concerned about,” picked up Mark. “We noticed someone out in the lane, which did bother us as they seemed to be hanging around.”

“A reporter?” questioned Rachel.

“Ah well we don't really know. We spotted him and rang Britta so she could find out. We thought it best not to actually go outside.”

Mark looked to Seb and mouthed 'sorry', but Seb simply shook his head.

“I see. So what happened?” Rachel enquired.

“Well nothing really. Britta had a ring around and found nothing.”

“And when we looked out again later he'd gone,” informed Sebastian.

“Right.”

“Britta checked and she couldn't find anyone writing anything up or any photos or anything like any papers having sent someone.”

“We don't actually know if it was a reporter,” stated Mark.

Rachel nodded.

“Okay, well.”

“There's been no sign of anyone out there since,” Sebastian added.

“That's good.”

“Do you need to put it in your report?”

Rachel paused. There was a note of anxiety in his voice that she couldn't mistake.

“We did ring Britta to make sure everything was okay and you know, she made sure about things,” Sebastian justified.

“I'm sure. Okay well... I suppose nothing came of it?”

“Nothing,” stated Mark firmly.

“Okay.”

“Do you need to include that?” he pressed.

 

Rachel let out a silent sigh. They were plainly both worrying.

“I'm really just making overview notes. If nothing happened then I don't really have anything to write about that do I?”

Sebastian let out a far more audible sigh. He wanted to say thank you, but he wasn't sure if it was appropriate.

“Alright then,” breezed on Rachel, “well I can add to my notes that we've had a discussion about things. Is there anything you want to ask me?”

Seb and Mark looked to one another.

“Um, I don't know? Is there anything else we should be doing?” asked Seb.

Rachel smiled.

“Just looking after Theo, sorry, Teddy, I should get used to calling him that shouldn't I? And you're already doing that.”

“We are,” confirmed Mark.

“I'm away for a couple of days the week after next,” reminded Sebastian. “I'm in Barcelona for testing with my team.”

“Ah right, so you're on your own Mark?”

“I'm sure we'll be fine.”

“I'm sure you will too. Well Seb good luck with your testing.”

“Thank you and Mark will have Pauline, our housekeeper, in both days to help out.”

“Of course,” nodded Rachel.

“And I'll be back as fast as I can on the Tuesday night. It's only two nights, two days I'm away each time for testing.”

“That's fine Seb, parents work. It's expected. I have no doubts that Mark can manage for a couple of days and Teddy will be well cared for.”

“Of course he will,” confirmed Mark.

“It's completely fine. You are allowed to live your lives you know,” assured Rachel. “Teddy is both fortunate and actually rather unusual to have both parents looking after him most of the time. Believe me, when I do write my reports I include how much time you devote to caring for him. Concentrate on that, not worrying about things. If I had any concerns, I would speak to you about them.”

Seb took in a deep breath.

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Yes, thank you Rachel.”

“No problem. Well I should let you get back to it. Where is he right now, it's very quiet.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Ah he's here. He's just having a nice little nap.”

“Oh I see, well then I should let you make the most of a bit of peace. We probably won't need to talk for a while now, but I'm here if you need me.”

“Thanks.”

“I'll probably just drop you an email about a week ahead of our next meeting.”

“We'll be in Australia.”

“Ah of course.”

“We should be able to access email though.”

“Well if you can that would be a help. If not, when do you get back?”

“Late on the Monday. The...” Seb looked to Mark. “The twenty-seventh of March?”

“Yep, sounds right,” Mark agreed.

“Okay so if I've not had an email reply I'll give you a quick ring the following day, the twenty-eighth.” Rachel flicked through her diary and scribbled a note in to remind herself. “Yes that's the Tuesday. Barring any issue we'll meet the next day.”

“That's fine. I'm sure there'll be no issue with that.”

“Great, well until then, all the best. I hope all goes well with your testing Seb and for you at home Mark.”

They thanked her again and with that she was gone.

 

Sebastian pressed the phone to make it hang up and puffed out a long breath before turning to Mark.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Mm. I think I was expecting that to be... I don't know, harder,” Seb admitted.

“Harder?”

“Well, for her to go into it all more.”

Mark shrugged.

“Isn't it better if she didn't?”

“I suppose.”

“She said if she had a problem with something she'd say so. I don't think Rachel is the sort to stick something in a report without talking to us beforehand. I think she'd consider that unprofessional.”

“Mm. She's pretty understanding.”

“Yeah well we went through everything beforehand didn't we? She was expecting stuff to be in the papers.”

“Do you think it's alright about what we told her? The reporter being outside?”

Mark shrugged again.

“She seemed to be. I reckon seeing as nothing came of it and we don't know for sure who he is, it'd be too vague to put anything down about it. I mean what would she say? 'Man seen outside house' that doesn't mean anything.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I guess.”

“And that's down to you sweetheart. If I'd blundered out there and made a fuss then there would be something to write about, both for him and her. So...”

Mark opened out his hands.

“So?” wondered Seb.

Mark gave him a smile and leaned in to kiss him.

“So thank you again sweetheart. Saved our bacon.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“That's such a strange expression.”

“Guess it is. Right, this tea is cold. Want some fresh?”

“Um, yeah okay.”

  
  


Mark stood to sort it while Sebastian looked in to be sure Teddy was okay. He was moving a little in his sleep, but their son waited until Mark had made them two mugs of tea and sat down to drink it before waking and giving them thirty seconds to work out what the issue was before beginning crying. Mark sighed and reached in to scoop him up.

“Hey buddy, what is it this time, hmm? Not getting enough attention?”

Seb peered in as Mark held Teddy against him.

“Nappy maybe?”

“Worth a punt,” agreed Mark. “Right mate, let's go check.”

  
  


  
  


Once they had sorted Teddy out and made up another bottle to soothe him back down they returned to the kitchen table, Mark taking a sip of the abandoned tea as Seb fed the baby.

“Urgh,” grimaced Mark.

Sebastian smiled.

“Cold?”

“Vile.” Mark sighed and took the mug and Seb's to rinse out at the sink. He turned to look back at him. “Want to risk another attempt?”

Sebastian shook his head, so Mark came back to join him.

“Shall we go in the lounge?” Mark suggested.

“Yeah okay.”

 

The transferred through, pausing before sitting to glance out to see if the dogs were visible in front. They hadn't been able to resist having a quick look out of the bathroom window when they had been upstairs, but thankfully all was still clear. Shadow and Simba had been wandering around the drive then, but they seemed to have wandered off now.

“Do you think we should tell them to come in?” wondered Seb.

Mark paused.

“I dunno, I think they're alright out there. Let's just leave it for now.”

“Okay.”

They sat down, settling themselves in and making sure Teddy was feeding okay before Mark looked to Seb.

“You wanna talk about stuff?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. In all honesty Liebling I'd quite like to forget all about it.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah okay.”

“I know there'll still be stuff online and that, but I'm just...” Seb sighed. “I'm tired.”

Mark let out a little sigh as well and fitted his arm around him.

“Tired? Just generally, or..?”

“Both. I'm tired of worrying about it all.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb a little squeeze and kissed his cheek.

“Let's not then darling. We've done everything we can, Rachel's basically given us her blessing. Let's forget it for now.”

“I'd like that.”

“Good. Well, what shall we do? You want to stick a film on or wait for him to finish and go have a nap?”

Sebastian tipped the bottle a little higher as the level lowered then looked back to Mark.

“A film I think.”

“Disney?”

Seb smiled.

“Yes please.”

“Good stuff.”

  
  


Once Teddy had drunk his fill Mark took the bottle back into the kitchen and brought the crib through to place by the sofa. Looking to Seb as he winded the baby.

“Think he'll go down?”

“In a minute maybe.”

“Alright. What shall we watch?”

Mark went over to the DVD shelves, calling out titles as he ran his finger along the selection.

“Dumbo?”

“Too upsetting.”

Mark smiled as he looked back at the boxes. He went through a few more, Seb hmming and hahing as none seemed to appeal.

“Aladdin?”

“Hm, not today.”

“Little Mermaid?”

Sebastian paused and Mark picked the box off the shelf.

“That a yes?” he pressed.

“Yeah okay.”

“Right you are then.”

Mark switched the TV and DVD player on, fitting the disc in and bringing over the remote control to place on the coffee table. He looked in at Teddy.

“Reckon he's done?”

Sebastian nodded and passed him over to Mark who tried putting the baby down in the crib only for Teddy to wriggle and cry the moment Mark tried to tuck the blanket over him.

“No?” Mark took in a breath and shrugged before picking Teddy back up. “Guess not.”

He tried winding Teddy for a minute to see if that was it, but the baby did not want to be put down so instead he joined Seb on the sofa with a wry smile.

“Think he wants to watch the film too.”

Sebastian stroked over their son's wet cheeks to dry them.

“It's okay Schatz. You can stay with us.”

Teddy sniffled and quieted as Mark jigged him ever so slightly in his arms.

“Alright now kiddo. It's okay.” He looked to Seb. “You wanna press play?”

“Hm? Oh sure.”

 

Sebastian reached for the remote control to start the film, then leaned into Mark's side. Mark gave him a smile, then looked at Teddy.

“You know your papa's named for a singing lobster,” he informed their son.

Seb rolled his eyes and laughed.

“And your daddy's talking rubbish.”

“Not for the first time,” agreed Mark. He looked down to the baby. “You'll like this one sweetheart, lots of jolly songs, though I wouldn't take Ariel as your role-model, I reckon you're way too smart to fall for the stuff she does. Smart like your papa.”

Sebastian smiled and rested his head down on Mark's shoulder. They knew Teddy was far too young to really appreciate the film, but he liked being cuddled up with them. Their baby was happy now. Seb thought about how he had read some things that advised you to leave them to cry until they settled. He could never do that, even if it did make him a soft touch. It seemed wrong to ignore your child, though he did wish their son didn't cry quite so frequently just as they had fallen into a nice deep sleep in the middle of the night.

  
  


Twenty minutes passed and the film played out in comforting familiarity. Teddy seemed to be drifting again so Mark tried putting him down once more only for the baby to rouse himself the moment he was laid down in his crib, whining unhappily.

“Nope. He's not having it, are you kiddo?” Mark lifted him back into his chest and sat back down. “Got us suckers played haven't you mate?”

Seb pouted.

“He just wants to be close to us.”

Mark kissed the top of Teddy's head, soft whisps of blonde and that funny baby smell.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Like being cuddled don't you sweetheart? Yeah alright, fair enough. Who doesn't?”

“I like being cuddled.”

Mark chuckled and gave Seb a kiss as well.

“Me too darling.”

Sebastian sighed as he fitted his arm around Mark's middle.

“Do you think we could lie down?”

“Upstairs?”

“Here.”

Mark looked at the baby resting into his chest.

“Yeah I reckon we can give it a go.”

 

It took a bit of doing, taking care that Teddy was safely held as they rearranged cushions and themselves until they lay almost as they used to when it was just the two of them; Mark on his back with a couple of cushions propping up his head while Seb pressed into his side. There wasn't an inch before Seb would fall off if he moved, but he lay tight into Mark, Seb's head just below Mark's shoulder, Mark's right arm around him holding Sebastian in. Teddy lay on Mark's chest, his little arm up as if going to hang on despite Mark having a hold of him. Teddy's round cheek pressed in and Mark thought how comforting it was to feel him breathing in and out as he rested into him.

Sebastian smiled at Teddy from just a couple of inches away and put a hand over his where the baby rested it on Mark. He wanted to tell him that he understood why Teddy liked this, why he snuffled in to breathe in the smell of Mark and how that made Seb feel safe too. It was a strong smell, in the sense that it told you the owner was strong, that he would protect you. Seb looked into those blue eyes and sighed out against Mark thinking he might want to take that protecting a bit too literally at times, but it only ever came from a good heart.

“Don't you want to watch the film?”

Sebastian angled up his head to look at Mark.

“Hm, I'm okay. I can hear it.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You don't want to see it?”

“I can see the pictures in my head,” explained Seb.

Mark nodded thinking there was no way to argue that. He didn't really want Seb to move anyway.

  
  


 

It only took five minutes for Teddy to fall into a proper sleep this time. Despite the noise of the film his eyes fell closed and his breathing slowed, each breath becoming deeper and more audible.

“I think he's off,” noted Mark.

“Mm.”

Sebastian rested his hand on Teddy's back and looked to be sure.

“Shall we try again?”

“Hm?” frowned Seb.

“Putting him down,” clarified Mark. “He's better on his back to sleep isn't he?”

“Oh. Yeah.”

Sebastian pushed himself to sit, just managing not to slip off the edge of their thankfully wide sofa. He lifted Teddy carefully up from Mark and Mark sat to pull the crib a little closer so Sebastian could place him in, their son not stirring this time. Between them they tucked him in and sat for a moment to be sure he was content.

“Out for the count,” whispered Mark.

“Yeah.”

Seb took in a deep breath and Mark put his arm around him.

“Shall we lie back down?” Mark prompted.

Sebastian nodded and they rearranged themselves on the sofa, this time Seb facing out with Mark lying with his arms wrapped around him. He wasn't watching the film though. He was watching their son safely sleeping. It only took another five minutes before Seb joined Teddy in sleep and though Mark tried to stay awake it wasn't long before all three of them were off. The jolly lobster singing his cheery tunes to no one. Outside the dogs patrolled both front and back, sniffing something below the front hedge before going along to the gate and poking their noses out between the bars to the empty lane, then finally wandering back around to find their bowls by the back door in the knowledge that their family was safe inside. Hopefully they had earned the right to sit in the lounge in the nice warm with them in future.

 

  
  


 

* * *


	206. Perfect - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't stop writing two-parters! Sorry...

 

* * *

  
  


The arrival of Saturday morning felt like the turning of a page. Despite the fact their friends weren't arriving until after lunch Seb and Mark were up bright and early. After breakfast they took the dogs for an overdue long walk through the fields, Seb carrying Teddy happily tucked into his carrier. The weather wasn't great but it didn't matter. They didn't mind it being grey and a bit damp so long as it didn't actually rain on them. The dogs were scampering about off their leads so Mark had a hold of Sebastian's hand.

“Nice to get some fresh air,” he commented.

“Yeah. Oh Liebling you won't forget we need to be home for eleven.”

Mark looked at him blankly.

“Food delivery,” reminded Seb.

“Oh. Oh yeah.” Mark looked at his watch. “Ages yet. You want to turn around?”

“Hm, bit further. He's happy.”

Mark looked in at Teddy squashed into his papa's chest and nodded. No point rushing back. The supermarket deliveries had an hour window which doubtless meant they would arrive either right at the start if they were still walking the dogs, or at the very last minute if they sat in. Still an hour spare either way, so they walked on a little further before turning around.

  
  


When they got in they took a while sorting themselves out, removing boots, coats, snow-suits and Mark giving the dogs legs a rub with an old towel to stop them treading dirt into the house. As Seb picked Teddy back up without his outer layers he looked at the snow-suit lying on the kitchen table.

“You know Liebling I think we really do need to buy him a new one.”

Mark looked up from giving the dogs a rub to say thank you for standing still while he cleaned them.

“Hm?”

“Teddy's snow-suit. He'll have outgrown it soon.”

Mark stood up to join him. He looked at the little blue padded outfit thinking how big on Teddy it had seemed when he first wore it despite the fact it was newborn size.

“Guess so,” he agreed.

“It's still cold until April sometimes,” noted Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“It's still cold in _August_ here sometimes.”

Sebastian pulled a face, then smiled at Teddy.

“Silly Daddy.”

Teddy murmured and snuggled back into Sebastian's shoulder so Mark just shook his head and stroked over the baby's head.

“I can order one online while you're in work next week,” he offered.

“Thanks.”

“Why don't I light the fire and we can all have a nice warm while we wait for that delivery to turn up?”

“Um, yeah okay. I fancy a cup of tea,” decided Seb. “You want one?”

“I'll do it. You go through,” insisted Mark.

  
  


A few minutes later they were all cosy in the lounge, the dogs happily lying in front of the fire while Seb and Mark made the most of Teddy co-operating to let them sip their tea whilst it was still warm. That done Mark took the mugs back through to ditch in the sink then on returning went to sit by the dogs giving them a good rub. Simba lay on his back offering up his belly and Mark chuckled to himself as he rubbed there too.

“Yeah good boy. You've both been good boys this week, thank you.”

The dogs rolled around a bit, appreciating the attention. Sebastian looked over, thinking he wanted to thank them too, so he lifted Teddy a little higher and went to join Mark sat on the floor.

“Hello,” smiled Mark.

“Hey.”

“He's very quiet,” Mark noted.

“Yeah. Think it's the warm after being in the colder air.”

“Guess so. You alright there kiddo?”

He gave Teddy a little rub on his belly and Seb smiled, thinking he'd just done the same as he had with the dogs. They were usually pretty paranoid about washing hands after being with the dogs but Mark had done so since cleaning them up so Sebastian told himself to relax. Their little boy was quite safe. They had to keep working on training the dogs on how to behave around Teddy as well as getting him used to them. Shadow and Simba sniffed a little in Teddy's direction where Seb held him lower in his arms and Sebastian didn't pull him away or tell them off. Mark stroked over their heads.

“Good boys. You saying hello?”

Shadow moved a little closer and pushed his nose exploratorily into Teddy's foot, glancing up as if to see whether he was about to be told off, only for the baby to waggle his leg causing Shadow to pull away in surprise. Mark and Seb laughed at the expression on the dog's face.

“Sorry mate, not sure your puppy's quite ready for snuggles yet,” joked Mark as he gave him a stroke to console him.

Sebastian looked down to Teddy to be sure he was okay, but he seemed quite unbothered.

“Did that tickle Liebling?” Seb asked him.

The dogs settled for placing their chins to rest on Mark's legs instead, happy enough to receive strokes from a familiar source.

“You want a cushion?” offered Mark.

“Hm?”

“To rest your arms.”

“Oh, thanks yeah one of the big ones please.”

Mark gave the dogs a gentle push off him and bobbed up to grab it, sitting back down and placing it on Seb's lap. Sebastian turned Teddy to lie him back on the cushion his feet towards him so he could look back at his parents. When he was sure he was safely balanced Seb stretched out his arms.

“Oof, how can something so tiny wear you out?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Length of time holding him.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian gave Teddy's cheek a stroke as the dogs resumed their positing lying into Mark. Shadow and Simba were plainly looking over at the baby beside them, but they weren't sure about getting too close.

“You know I said that to Antti the other week when I was in,” noted Seb.

“What, about Teddy?”

“Yeah. He was saying about me doing more training and I said I thought I did plenty of upper-body work at home.”

Mark chuckled and stroked Teddy's arm.

“Weight-lifting.”

“Yeah.”

“Ah well. All helps.”

“I'm going to need to be in pretty much all next week.”

Mark nodded.

“That's okay.”

“I need to do some focussed training and prep for testing.”

“More time in the sim?”

“Yeah some.”

“Righto.”

“I'll try not to let it be all day.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“We'll be fine.”

 

Seb was about to say more when there was a noise of an engine approaching down the lane and the dogs jumped up, immediately commencing barking and rushing to the door. Teddy flinched in surprise and started crying. Sebastian scooped him up to reassure him as Mark shook his head.

“Knew it was too good to last.”

Mark stood and went to calm the dogs, telling them to quiet while he went to look through the window. He turned around and shook his head at them.

“It's the delivery van. Don't get so excited. Teddy doesn't like the barking.” He ducked down and gave them a stroke. “Calm down boys. It's fine. It's food for you, and us.”

Mark looked to Seb who was still trying to soothe Teddy.

“I'll sort it.”

He saw the way the dogs were still fussing to get into the hallway and decided that they weren't currently good company for either the baby or the delivery person, so Mark took them into the kitchen and opened the back door. Neither Shadow nor Simba seemed keen to go out but Mark could hear the front door being knocked and Seb had his hands full.

“Go on. Just for a few minutes.”

He pointed outside and Shadow and Simba slunk through the back door. Mark had no time for them sulking though. He hurried through to open the door for the delivery, Seb now standing in the doorway of the lounge watching as he did so, feeling as though he ought to help, but too busy trying to calm Teddy down. Mark swung the door open.

“Sorry mate.”

“No problem. Got it all here for you.”

He indicated down to the delivery stacked on the doorstep.

“Are you alright with it?” checked Seb.

“I've got it,” Mark assured as he picked up a delivery crate to take into the kitchen.

The delivery man looked at the crying baby and gave Seb a nod.

“Not happy today?”

“He'll be alright in a minute,” Seb assured him.

The man nodded again, then decided to pick up the second crate packed with nappies and other baby supplies to help out by taking it into the kitchen. Mark turned around expecting to see Seb.

“Oh. Thanks mate. Just anywhere's fine. Cheers.”

He finished dumping food out onto the kitchen table then grabbed out the rest from the second crate so they could stack them up so the deliveryman could carry them back through out to the doorstep where Mark signed off on his pad before going to do the gate for him.

As he came back into the kitchen Mark found Seb attempting to put things away one handed. Mark shook his head and took over, making sure all the food was away and the rest was safely on the table before letting the dogs back in, giving them fresh food and water both as an apology for turfing them outside and to occupy them while Teddy was still settling back down.

“I think maybe if we give him his bottle,” suggested Sebastian, hitching the baby up a little. “Shh, Liebling it's okay.”

Mark nodded.

“Good idea.”

“Can you take him?”

“Sure.”

 

They swapped over while Seb went to make a bottle up, looking at the new supplies stacked beside the machine. As it prepared the milk he looked back to Mark.

“You know that guy's been here plenty of times.”

Mark looked up from Teddy.

“Hm?”

“The deliveryman,” Seb clarified.

“Well yeah I presume they have set routes.”

“Yes but I was thinking. He's seen Teddy. He's seen all the baby things we've been ordering these past months. And the postman has.”

“So?”

“So they've known we've got a baby and they know who we are and they never went to the press.”

“What, sold us out?”

“They could have done,” argued Seb.

“I'm pretty sure it's the sort of thing that would lose them their job.”

“They could have done it anonymously.”

Mark puffed out a breath then shrugged a shoulder.

“Well they didn't.” He came and stood closer. “Not everyone thinks that way sweetheart.”

“I suppose. I guess quite a lot of people knew really: Work, friends, even the coffee shop, people in the village must have seen us out with the pram.”

Mark nodded.

“Yes and nobody did anything.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked at him for a minute before Mark freed a hand to give Seb's arm a rub.

“I think most ordinary people are fundamentally decent,” Mark asserted.

Seb arched an eyebrow.

“Ordinary people?”

Mark smiled.

“I count us in that group.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

The machine beeped and Seb turned around to sort out the bottle. It was a comforting thought to know that the world wasn't against them. He didn't even know the postman and supermarket delivery guy's names. He should learn them, say proper hellos. Teddy made a noise and Seb was pulled back to his task, testing the milk temperature before handing it over. Their little boy had plenty of people looking out for him.

  
  


  
  


After they had managed some lunch as well as their son, Mark and Sebastian found themselves looking out and listening for another noise in the lane, not worrying as they had done for the past couple of days, but in anticipation of their friends arriving. Seb even went out to put the gate open ready which they would never have done during the previous week. Mark stood holding Teddy in the doorway, oddly feeling the need to watch over him, as if a hidden reporter would emerge camouflaged from a hedgerow to pounce. Mark shook his head at himself, then smiled to Teddy.

“Your daddy's losing the plot again sweetheart,” he sighed.

Sebastian was just coming back up to the step.

“What was that?”

“Hm? Oh nothing. Right, well we're all set. Shall we kill time with a coffee while we wait? Try to distract ourselves from clock-watching?”

Sebastian smiled and stepped into the house, pulling the door shut behind him. He'd be clock-watching anyway and Mark knew that, but it was better to do something than nothing.

  
  


  
  


By the time their friends arrived Teddy was dropping off again. Mark had just gone to fetch the crib down when the dogs sat by Seb's feet in the kitchen started barking and ran into the hall, nearly tripping Mark up as he returned laden down. Sebastian attempted to settle Teddy from jumping awake at the disturbance, hushing him to pre-empt the baby starting to cry before he stood up to get the door. Meanwhile, Mark put the crib and its stand in the lounge, telling the dogs off as he went.

“Calm down boys, just sit down. _Sit,_ ” he instructed in a firm but low voice, looking over his shoulder at them as he deposited the crib.

The dogs sat themselves down at the foot of the stairs, but they were still watching the front door to see who was approaching. Seb came over to them now they had quieted.

“I'm sure it's only JB and Jess,” he explained.

They looked at him and the baby, then at Mark who had come to join them.

“That's it, just sit there. Good boys,” approved Mark.

He gave them a quick pet to show his approval, then went to open the door, standing with Seb to see their friends pulling up on the drive. Mark waved seeing as Sebastian had his hands full and Jess waved excitedly back while Jenson put on the handbrake and they climbed out, rushing over to greet them. Before they reached the door Mark turned around to the dogs and held up a warning finger.

“These are our friends. _Friends_ , okay? You've met them plenty before.”

  
  


Jess was rapidly on the doorstep, pausing there at the sight that greeted her. She put her hand over her mouth and shook her head, looking for a moment as though she might cry.

“Hi,” smiled Sebastian.

“Oh Seb,” she sighed.

Seb nodded back. He knew what she meant.

“Hey,” greeted Mark.

Jenson had caught up and put his arm around his wife as they stood there.

“Oh my,” he grinned. “Look at this: The family Vettel-Webber.”

“Sure is,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian smiled more widely, feeling prouder than ever to show off their son after a week of doing all they could to keep him hidden away from the world.

Jenson chuckled and shook his head.

“What a sight.”

“Oh Seb, Mark, this is wonderful,” beamed Jess.

“Come on in,” encouraged Mark.

He and Seb stepped further back into the hallway as their visitors did as requested. Jenson gave Mark his usual back-slapping hug while Jessica peered in at Teddy in Seb's arms.

“He's so small.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“We were just saying how much bigger he's getting.”

“Oh really? Well he looks small to me. He's gorgeous.”

“Thanks.”

 

Jess gave him a very careful half hug, not taking her eyes from the baby. As she let him go Jenson took a look as well.

“Pretty cute,” he agreed. “Does he take after Daddy or Papa then?”

“Definitely Papa,” confirmed Mark with a smile.

“Mark,” smiled Jess finally getting around to giving him a hug as well.

Jenson reached to chubb the baby's cheek.

“Yeah defo Seb. No kid needs Mark's nose.”

“Hey,” complained Mark good naturedly.

“Tsk, Jense,” disapproved Jess giving him a bat on the arm to tell him off.

Seb pouted and shook his head.

“I think Mark has a very distinguished profile.”

Both Mark and Jenson laughed at that, but Sebastian looked at them defiantly and Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you sweetheart.”

“Only joshing,” smiled Jenson now going to give the dogs a rub which they responded to happily, moving in from where they had obediently sat back waiting. “Hello. Aren't you on your best behaviour?”

“Certainly are,” confirmed Mark. “On pain of being shut in the kitchen.”

“Aw, rotten Daddy,” teased Jenson giving them another rub as they pressed into him. “How are you boys coping with having a little brother?”

“They're being very good actually,” asserted Sebastian.

“Yeah they are,” Mark agreed. “Right then, coffee?”

“Ooh yes please,” responded Jessica.

  
  


They went through into the kitchen, Mark making drinks while Jess sat beside Seb at the table fussing over the baby who was staring up at her, well awake now with all these goings on.

“He's so beautiful,” she praised.

“He really is,” agreed Seb. “Not that we can take any credit for that.”

“Course you can. Shows you're looking after him nicely.”

“I guess.”

Mark handed Jenson a pair of mugs he'd offered to help with and they sat down with them.

“He's certainly quiet,” noted Jenson as he took a sip of his drink.

“Ha, you wouldn't be saying that if you were staying the night,” laughed Mark.

“Keeping you up?”

Mark pointed to the bags beneath his eyes.

“See evidence A, m'lud.”

Jenson chuckled while Sebastian stroked over Teddy's arm to reassure him amongst these new people around him.

“He's not bad really,” Seb justified. “It's just during the day we can at least try to spot the signs that he needs something before he starts crying.”

“Head things off at the pass as it were,” Mark explained.

“And obviously in the night that's kindof tricky,” Seb noted.

“Cos we've collapsed into exhausted heaps,” completed Mark.

 

“Not that you're complaining,” teased Jenson.

“Absolutely not mate, happiest level of knackered we've ever been, right sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “And he's starting to take slightly longer naps at least.”

“Well that must help,” sympathised Jess.

“We just try to take some naps with him don't we Liebling?”

“We do,” concurred Mark.

“Like at Le Mans,” suggested Jenson.

“Something like that,” Mark agreed with a wry smile. “How was your flight anyway? All okay I take it?”

“Oh not bad.”

“We're so sorry we asked you to rearrange,” apologised Seb.

“Nonsense,” dismissed Jess.

“And making you wait so long.”

“Don't be silly. You've got your hands full.”

“Literally,” smiled Jenson as he nodded over at Seb holding the baby.

“Well thank you anyway.”

“No problem mate. Mum's happy. She gets another visit out of it. Not that I put it that way to her.”

Mark flicked his eyebrows up.

“What did you tell her?”

“Well seeing as all this was strictly hush-hush when we arranged things, I just asked if she fancied a visit. I don't think there's a mum out there who'd say no to that from their beloved boy.”

Jess rolled her eyes, but Seb was looking down at their own beloved boy thinking how one day they might have a grown son who they longed for visits from. He really ought to ring his own mum again, just for a baby chat, that would make her happy.

“Anyway I dropped in when I rang on Thursday that we were making a stop-off to see you guys and she says to give her love,” continued Jenson.

Sebastian looked up at him.

“That's nice. Tell her thank you.”

“How are you guys doing on that front?” wondered Jenson. “Mad what the papers are bothered about in my view.”

Mark shook his head, not wishing to raise the spectre of the media again when they were just getting over the past week.

“We're trying to avoid it all to be honest,” he admitted.

“Of course,” agreed Jenson more soberly. “Well, fuss over nothing.” He glanced at the baby. “Oh I mean, not nothing obviously, but well, you know...”

 

Mark nodded as Jenson trailed off awkwardly.

“It's fine. Yeah we're just ignoring them.”

“Right.”

“We really do appreciate you keeping this to yourselves for so long,” thanked Seb.

Jessica shook her head.

“Of course we wouldn't say anything. Not even Jenson.”

“Hey,” appealed her husband.

“You know what I mean.”

“Only too well.”

Sebastian looked over at him.

“We still appreciate it. We knew you wouldn't say anything.”

“Course we did,” agreed Mark. “Anyway it's done.”

“We're still making sure nothing else gets out though,” noted Seb. “Things like his name and all the rest.”

“Sure,” nodded Jenson.

“You can trust us,” vowed Jess.

“We know,” assured Seb.

She put a hand on his arm and gave him a smile and Seb smiled back.

“We're so glad you could come. It feels like ages since we've seen you.”

“A lifetime,” Jenson commented.

He looked at the baby and thought how that was also literally true.

Mark gave the dogs a rub where they had come to sit with him and Jenson knowing they would get more attention on that side of the table, then he looked over at Teddy to see he was resuming his previously sleepy state.

“Tell you what, why don't we take these through, then he can have a nap?” he proposed.

  
  


They went through into the lounge, Mark moving the crib from where he had hurriedly dumped it to put it near the main sofa so Seb could place Teddy in, while the visiting couple took the other sofa. Teddy moved about for a moment as Seb tucked the blanket over, but then he settled.

“There now,” smiled Mark. “You just ignore the grown-ups and have a nap mate.”

He stroked over Teddy's whisps of blonde hair on his head and watched as the baby blinked up a few more times before closing his eyes and falling asleep.

“I love it when he does that,” commented Mark absently.

“What, falls asleep?” asked Jenson, now using a quieter voice.

Mark huffed a little laugh as he and Seb sat down.

“Well yes, but... I dunno, there's just something nice about seeing him at peace, knowing he's happy.”

Sebastian gave him a soft smile. Jenson smiled too, unable to tease them for being sweet when he really was genuinely pleased to see things working out for them at last.

  
  


They chatted quietly for a while about how things were going and what they were up to, Mark joking that 'this' pretty much summed him up for the moment.

“What about you Seb? Been in work much?” enquired Jenson.

“I will be next week, building up to testing.”

“Ah of course. When is that?”

“The week after.”

“Really? Blimey these things come around fast. Amazing how you lose track when you're not in it anymore.”

“Mm,” agreed Sebastian, not much wanting to think about testing yet.

Mark gave him a little smile, knowing what Seb was thinking. He wasn't much looking forward to it either.

“Are you missing it yet Mark?” Jenson asked.

“Hm?”

“Racing.”

“Oh.” Mark shrugged a shoulder. “You're not doing any yet either.”

“Guess not,” Jenson agreed.

“I dunno. It all feels pretty distant to be honest.” Mark looked over to Teddy sleeping. “This little guy keeps us busy.”

“I'm sure,” nodded Jess.

“Mark has a much more important job this year,” asserted Seb.

Mark gave him a wink.

“Thanks.”

“I mean it. I have the easy part. I just have to race like normal.”

“I'm not sure it'll be quite like that.”

“No but still... You'll have to manage with Teddy at races and when I'm away.”

“Mm.”

They looked at one another, neither keen on that idea, so Jess tried to pick them up.

 

“Will you all be coming to the race in Monaco?” she asked.

Seb and Mark looked back to her.

“Oh um probably. We're not one hundred percent sure,” Mark replied.

“We're not sure how well Teddy will travel yet,” explained Seb. “And things like if it's difficult for Mark looking after him in the paddock.”

“I'm sure it'll be fine,” Mark assured.

“Well if you do it'd be nice to see you, wouldn't it Jenson?” encouraged Jess.

“Course. Yeah we'd love to see you.”

“Maybe we could have a little picnic or something?” Jess proposed. “On the Friday like last time.”

“That sounds good,” smiled Mark. “Have to hope it's sunny.”

“There's some nice little parks. You might not think so, but there's some tucked away where the tourists don't go.”

“That sound nice,” agreed Seb. “Somewhere quiet in Monaco sounds a like a good find.”

“There are a few places.”

“I do a bit of training in some,” added Jenson. “Actually I'm pretty sure they've got kiddies playgrounds in a few as well.”

Mark huffed a laugh as he looked at their tiny son.

“Bit small for that yet mate.”

“Oh well anyway.”

“It sounds really nice,” assured Seb. “We could always hold him on our knee on a swing.” He looked to Mark. “He might like that.”

“Sure. Yeah good plan. I've no doubt we'll be glad of a break from the madness if we're all there. You'll just have to negotiate some time off with Christian.”

Sebastian smiled.

“He's Teddy's godfather. Or will be. I'm sure he'll consider his welfare.”

Mark chuckled, sure that Seb was going to find that useful with his boss.

“Oh speaking of which,” continued Seb. “We might try and have the christening in the summer.”

“Combine it with the same weekend we have our barbecue,” picked up Mark. “If you guys could make it?”

“I'm sure we could,” agreed Jess. “Same as last summer?”

“Probably. Long way off really yet, but we thought it might make sense to get everyone together.”

“Sounds good.”

“Hopefully by then everything will be sorted,” noted Sebastian.

Jess and Jenson nodded, knowing that he meant having the adoption finalised.

“Just let us know dates,” replied Jenson. “I'm assuming I get to be plus-one seeing as Jess is godmother?”

“Daft thing,” laughed Mark. “Course we need you there.” He paused. “We'll need another driver to get folk back and forth from the church.”

Jenson sighed as the others enjoyed joining in the laughter. Unfortunately it was a little too loud and Teddy stirred in his sleep before flailing an arm out from under the blanket and beginning to wail.

 

“Oh no,” exclaimed Jess looking guilty.

Mark shook his head as he scooped him carefully out.

“Don't worry. Doesn't take much. Hey hey mate it's alright.”

Teddy continued to cry and wriggle unhappily as Mark lifted him higher into his chest.

“C'mon now, it's alright,” he soothed.

“Nappy?” asked Seb as he leaned in.

“Maybe.” Mark looked to the other two. “Sorry, just be a sec.”

Teddy was writhing into him so Mark stood, Seb doing the same.

“I'd better go help.” He looked at the dogs copying them by standing. “Can you keep them down here?”

“Course,” assured Jenson giving them both a little stroke to get their attention. “You stick with us.”

 

As Seb and Mark abandoned their guests to do battle with baby and nappy, Jenson continued to distract the dogs, Jess giving them a little stroke as well until they sat back down.

“They're so sweet with him,” sighed Jess.

“Mm. See what they mean about the noise though. Blimey, how does something that small make so much din?”

“Ah poor little thing. We woke him.”

“ _You_ woke him, all laughing at me.”

“Now who's the baby?”

Jenson pulled a face, then smiled as he gave the dogs another rub.

“Bet you're finding all this a bit of a change eh?”

The dogs said nothing, but snuffled into his hand as he fussed over them.

“Do you think we should go see if they need a hand?” wondered Jess.

“I think we'd be more of a hindrance than a help,” pointed out Jenson.

“Hmm.”

Jenson looked back to his wife.

“You want to go have a nosy?”

“I do not nosy.”

He raised an eyebrow then huffed a laugh.

“Come on then. You boys stay here.”

They got up, putting the door closed to so the dogs couldn't follow them.

  
  


Jess led the way, heading straight to the room she remembered, not that they needed too many hints seeing as the noise announced where Teddy was. They paused in the open doorway of the nursery, Jenson shaking his head at the sight of Seb and Mark working in tandem to wrestle a protesting baby back into his babygro. He looked to his wife but she was too busy smiling at seeing the nursery like this. The last time she had been here it had been a sad and empty room save for the rocking chair, now it was filled with baby furniture and toys, decorated in gentle bright colours.

“Oh it's so lovely,” she whispered.

“Apart from the squawling baby,” teased Jenson.

Jess shook her head.

“No. That's what makes it perfect.”

“Perfect?”

“For them.”

 

Seb and Mark had failed to hear them over the noise, but as Mark finally wrangled their son's left leg still kicking into the leg of the babygro Seb held open and they did up the poppers, they paused to take a breath and Sebastian spotted the pair in the doorway.

“Oh hey. Sorry, he's just a bit worked up.”

“You're alright. Here we go,” Mark reassured Teddy as he picked him up to hold the baby into his chest, rubbing over his back as he took him to look out of the window.

“Sorry,” apologised Jess, “we just got curious.”

“I um shut the dogs in downstairs. hope that's okay?” checked Jenson.

“Oh, yeah no problem.”

Sebastian looked over to Mark now jigging Teddy slightly as he hushed him.

“Is he alright?” worried Jessica.

“Hm? Oh he'll be okay in a moment. Just takes a bit to settle sometimes,” Seb explained.

He went over to Mark to make sure, but Teddy was already quieting down. Seb smoothed over Teddy's back.

“You're alright aren't you Liebling?”

“He's fine.”

Mark moved his head to look at Teddy's face and spared a hand to gently brush away his tears.

“There now, all clean and dry. Cheer up now sweetheart.”

Sebastian turned to look for the toy dinosaur and held it so Teddy could see, dancing it about to try to raise a smile. He didn't quite manage that, but their son did at least stop crying as he tried to move his hand in the direction of the toy.

“Here's dino,” offered Seb, passing it to Mark so he could hold it with him.

“That's better isn't it mate?”

Teddy rested his head sideways on Mark's shoulder, one eye looking at the blue dinosaur, but still pouting a little as if unsure how he ought to feel. Seb stroked over his back for another moment, then looked to Jess and Jenson.

“Sorry.”

“No no,” assured Jenson.

Mark came back more into the centre of the room.

“All or nothing with this little guy I'm afraid. Works himself up, then he'll drop off, betcha.”

“No rest for you,” noted Jenson.

“Well, some. If we're lucky.”

“We're very lucky,” insisted Seb.

Mark gave him a smile then kissed Teddy's cheek.

“Yeah we are.”

They looked to each other for a moment before returning their attention to their friends.

“We should have given you the tour,” commented Mark. “Well, shown you in here at any rate.”

“It's lovely, really,” smiled Jess.

“Yeah very nice,” concurred Jenson. He looked at the shelves. “Got him plenty of toys already I see.”

“Actually mate this one is the only one we've bought him,” corrected Mark.

“The rest are all gifts people sent,” added Seb.

“Ah.” Jenson smiled at the baby. “Aren't you a lucky little fellow?”

“The luckiest,” agreed Jess, “and not for the toys.”

“No, course not just that.”

“Thanks,” nodded Mark.

 

“Thank you for the book you sent too,” remembered Sebastian indicating one of the lower shelves that had the selection of picture books they had bought held propped up with a hardback book of illustrated nursery rhymes. “Very kind.”

“Oh I wasn't sure,” admitted Jess. “I know he's too young. Maybe I should have sent a toy like others?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“No it's perfect. I don't really know English nursery rhymes properly. Now I can learn them.”

Jenson chuckled and patted Seb on the arm.

“They're not meant to be homework mate.”

Sebastian shrugged and Mark gave him a smile. He knew Seb would take the time to learn them so their son didn't miss out. He'd get the German versions too. Their little boy would hopefully get the best of both worlds.

“There's a code inside so you can download them to play as well,” noted Jess, smoothing past her husband's comment.

“Yes I saw. Thank you, that'll be very helpful.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I think she meant to play to him sweetheart.”

“Oh, well yes. Yes good idea, we could try that if he won't settle.”

“Very thoughtful of you,” agreed Mark. “Right, well he's calmed down now. Shall we go back to the lounge, make sure the dogs haven't eaten one of the sofas?”

  
  


  
  


They went down to the lounge and resumed chatting, Mark now sitting with Teddy resting in his arms supported by a cushion. As predicted, the baby soon began to drop off again and they kept their voices a little lower so as not to disturb him. Mark looked at the way the dogs had gone to sit with Jenson again and smiled.

“You're popular mate,” he observed.

“Hm?” Jenson looked up from giving them a stroke. “Oh, ha, guess so.”

“Poor things don't get enough attention from us these days,” noted Seb.

“Oh well you're busy,” excused Jess. “How are they with the baby?”

“Very good really.”

“I think they know they'll be in schtuck if they step out of line,” Mark commented.

“They've really been a big help this week,” Seb added.

“Oh?” frowned Jess.

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“Hmm, yeah they've been on guard duty the past couple of days,” he explained.

Mark saw the way that both Jess and Jenson were frowning now and knew they would have to tell them at least a version of the story.

“We spotted someone out in the lane, hanging around, a few days back. After obviously, you know about things going public.”

“A reporter?” asked Jenson.

Mark puffed a breath.

“We don't know.”

“That's awful though,” sympathised Jess. “What was he doing?”

“Just nosing about.”

“That's pretty dodgy,” noted Jenson.

“Hmm.”

“He didn't try to speak to you?”

Mark glanced to Seb beside him.

“He didn't get close enough thankfully.”

“We didn't go outside,” added Seb.

“Mm, not that I wouldn't have liked to tell him to sling his hook,” Mark confessed, “but cooler heads prevailed.”

Jess and Jenson caught one another's eyes, guessing there was more to that, but knowing it was better not to ask.

“We just called Britta,” stated Seb.

“Oh I see,” nodded Jenson. “Right, yeah I guess that's best.”

“He went away, but it wasn't very nice, so we let the dogs be outside afterwards,” explained Sebastian.

Jenson gave the dogs a rub.

“Good guard pooches,” he praised.

“But you had nothing after that?” checked Jessica.

“No it's been fine thankfully,” confirmed Mark.

“That's still horrible though.”

“Mm.”

“We just want to forget it,” asserted Seb.

“Of course,” agreed Jess with a nod, but neither she nor her husband missed the way Seb slipped his hand into Mark's.

“All over now,” assured Mark, more to Seb than their guests.

Sebastian nodded and gave Mark's hand a little squeeze as he looked at him, then turned back to their guests.

“Anyway, the dogs have been very good,” he repeated.

“Protecting their family,” noted Jenson.

“Mm.”

Jenson nodded, realising that they wanted to change the subject.

 

“So, um... Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you I've been booked to do a bit of telly during the British GP this year so I'll see you at Silvo at least. I mean, presuming you'll be there too Mark?”

Mark sat up a fraction, glad to discuss something else.

“Should be yeah.”

“Great.”

“Will you be there too Jess?” asked Sebastian.

“Oh um, depends on work. Maybe. Be nice to see you if I can.”

“At least Silverstone is nice and handy,” noted Mark. “If this little one kicks up a fuss I can always bring him home.”

“Hopefully he'll be okay,” Seb added.

“Yeah, I'm sure he will. Just easier though.”

“I bet you wish all the races were on your doorstep,” commented Jenson.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“God yeah. If only.”

“We're just going to see how we go aren't we Liebling?”

“Yep. I reckon we'll mostly be alright though. Using the plane, and facilities at races aren't bad. I'm sure we'll manage.”

Mark reached to touch Teddy's hand.

“You and I will keep each other company while Papa's busy, won't we kiddo?”

Sebastian smiled, hoping it wasn't selfish to want Mark and Teddy with him as much as possible when it meant dragging them all around the world with him racing. He really did wish all his races were only down the road.

  
  


  
  


They chatted a while more about how things had been generally and the trip Jess and Jenson were planning to Hawaii soon.

“Could use a little sunshine,” smiled Jenson.

“Is it summer there?” frowned Seb, trying to work out how the seasons would lie.

“Oh no, darn sight warmer than here though.”

“Oh right.”

“Just a little break,” added Jess.

“Sounds nice,” nodded Mark.

“Bet you could use a bit of sunshine yourself,” suggested Jenson.

“Oh we ought to get some when we go down under next month.”

“Ah of course.”

“We're going to go out a bit early to stay with Mark's folks before the race,” added Seb.

“I'm sure that'll be nice,” smiled Jess.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I think my mum's counting the days already.”

“And your sister,” commented Seb.

“True. Yeah it'll be good. I'm sure he'll enjoy being fussed over,” Mark smiled.

He looked down at Teddy who had woken up again and Seb leaned in as the baby started swiping his hand up towards his face and pouting.

 

“I think he's hungry Liebling.”

“Mm.”

Mark lifted him a bit higher.

“You peckish little man?”

The baby started murmuring and Mark gave a flick of his eyebrows to the others.

“Think that's a yes. If you'll excuse me.”

“I can take him,” offered Sebastian as he stood with Mark.

Teddy was starting to grizzle a little so Mark shook his head.

“I left his dino upstairs. You want to grab it to distract him?”

“Oh okay.”

Mark whisked Teddy off to the kitchen to make up a bottle before he started crying properly and Seb looked to their friends apologetically.

“Sorry.”

Jenson shook his head.

“It's fine.”

“Course it is,” concurred Jessica.

Sebastian gave them a nod and headed upstairs. Jess paused a moment, then decided to follow him and Jenson was left alone with the dogs. He gave them another rub then shrugged and went in search of Mark in the kitchen to see if he help.

 

 

Up in the nursery Seb was looking around to see where Mark had put the toy down. He hadn't noticed him do it earlier. It wasn't on the shelves or in the cot, not on the changing table or the chest of drawers. It seemed to have disappeared. He turned around to scour the room again and saw Jess.

“Oh hey. Are you okay?” Seb asked.

“Sorry. I was going to say the same,” she admitted.

“Hm? I'm looking for the dinosaur. It's blue.”

“Right, um...”

Jessica looked about. There were a few teddybears on the shelves and a big one on the floor. She couldn't see a toy dinosaur.

“It's his favourite you see,” explained Seb.

Jess nodded. She suspected if it was the only toy they had bought him that was why it was his parent's favourite too. Seb huffed as he scanned the room getting annoyed that it had disappeared.

“It is lovely in here,” praised Jess.

“Thanks. He sleeps in the crib with us, but yeah it is nice to have this.”

“A proper nursery.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian gave her a smile and Jess nodded. She knew what it meant.

“Oh, there it is!”

Jessica went past him to the window ledge where a little felt triceratops sat as if surveying the garden. She picked it up and handed it to Seb.

“Brilliant. Thanks. We're always putting it down and misplacing it. Thing is it's actually one of the few that's properly okay for babies his age. We checked when we bought it.”

Jess smiled, not at all surprised to hear how careful they were with their child's safety.

“Where did you get it?”

“Oh just a shop in town. We went on a bit of a spree a couple of weeks back.”

“That's nice.”

“Yeah. He's getting so big we'll probably need to do it again before we go to Australia. Get him some more summery clothes so he doesn't overheat. We're so used to keeping him wrapped up warm. I don't want the heat to be a shock to him.”

“Right, well I'm sure he'll be fine. It won't be too hot will it?”

“No it'll be their autumn.”

“Ah right.”

 

Sebastian was about to head down to take the toy to Teddy but he couldn't hear any sound of crying so he paused.

“Do you want to see one of the things we bought him?” he offered.

“Sure.”

Sebastian smiled and opened one of the drawer to pull out the dinosaur outfit that went with the toy.

“Oh Seb that is gorgeous!” exclaimed Jess.

“It is cute,” agreed Sebastian.

He held it up to show her properly and thought about how their little boy looked all bundled up in it.

“I guess we'll need to get a bigger version soon enough. It's amazing how much he grows.”

Jess stepped in and placed a hand on his arm.

“Shows how well you're looking after him.”

“Thanks.”

Seb took a deep breath and put the outfit back in the drawer.

“I'll have to send you a pic of him in it,” he offered.

“I'd like that.”

Sebastian nodded and shut the drawer, about to say he really should go down, but Jessica looked at him.

“You are alright aren't you?” she checked.

“We've never been happier,” asserted Seb.

“I didn't mean with Teddy. That's great. Really I'm so pleased for you and you're obviously great parents. No I meant this week. It must have been hard.”

Sebastian puffed a breath and shrugged.

“I'm just glad it's over. I know we'll still have stuff a races, but at least we're past the first... you know, people knowing.”

“Of course. Can't be nice though, the press sticking their noses in.”

“We didn't look at any of it,” Seb explained. “We just left it to our teams, Britta mostly for me anyway. To be honest I really don't want to know.”

“Right.” Jess paused, wondering if she was pushing too much. “It must have been pretty upsetting to have people snooping about.”

“It was just one man.”

“Hmm.”

Jess looked at him and Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“It wasn't very nice, no,” he admitted. “I was the one that spotted him. From up here. Well the bathroom.”

Jessica shook her head sympathetically.

“Horrible.”

“Mm,” agreed Seb. “I guess...” he sighed. “I suppose it brought back bad memories. That's what made it worse.”

Jess frowned a little.

“Of when they found out about you and Mark?”

Sebastian shook his head and she belatedly caught on.

“Oh.” Jess could have kicked herself for not realising. “Oh Seb.”

Sebastian just shrugged tightly again and Jessica pulled him into a hug.

“They just don't care,” she huffed angrily, thinking how a reporter must surely have known Sebastian's history and thus been aware that he had been stalked. How someone could know that and not think how distressing it would be for them to see a man lurking outside their home eluded her. It was cruel and that was even before you got to the fact that they were already attempting to invade the privacy of a new family with a tiny baby. Jess didn't wonder Mark had wanted to go have a word. She would like to find that thoughtless person herself.

“It's okay,” assured Seb. He took in a deep breath. “They went away and they didn't come back. That's all that matters.”

“Sure. Well just so long as you're okay?”

Sebastian nodded.

“I'm okay. We should go down.”

“Okay.”

  
  


  
  


Downstairs in the kitchen Mark was busy holding the baby in one arm whilst he made up the bottle. Jenson stood to one side feeling like a spare part. He considered offering to hold the baby, but in all honesty Jenson was a little worried he might not do it right and the idea of dropping Teddy made him even more nervous. The bottle warming machine looked even less of an option seeing as it appeared to be more complex than the Porsche he drove.

“Um, can I do anything?” he offered vaguely.

Mark huffed a laugh as he hitched Teddy up in one arm whilst simultaneously shaking the formula in the bottle before slotting it back into the machine to finish off preparing it.

“Nah you're alright mate. Bit of a knack to it.”

Mark shifted Teddy now using both hands now to rest him up into his chest, giving the baby a smile to reassure him.

“Milk's coming in a minute mate. Good boy.”

He stroked over Teddy's back to hold off any threatened tears while they waited, the baby consoling himself in the meantime by snuffling into his father's shoulder. Mark looked to Jenson.

“Do you want another coffee or anything while we're here?”

Jenson held up a hand.

“Oh no mate you've got your hands full.”

Mark shrugged his free shoulder.

“We're used to it.” He huffed a laugh. “Seriously, you should see us trying to eat a meal with this little guy.”

Jenson frowned.

“Do you not put him down?”

“Occasionally,” allowed Mark. “Sometimes we bring the crib in, but he doesn't always go for it.” He smiled at the baby. “Like being with Daddy and Papa don't you kiddo?”

 

The machine beeped and he set about testing the milk before going to sit at the kitchen table, Jenson going with him. The dogs had trailed with them so Mark gave them a nod and they obediently pattered off to their corner where they had a drink themselves before settling in their baskets out of the way.

“Have to be careful with hygiene and that,” explained Mark.

Jenson nodded, already marvelling at how on earth his friend had succeeded in washing his hands whilst still holding his son before fishing out a bottle from the sterilising machine and setting about preparing the milk. He watched as Mark solicitously fed the baby, smiling down at him as he held him in one arm again.

“There now, that's nice isn't it sweetheart?” Mark encouraged in a soft voice.

A part of Jenson still wanted to tease his friend at seeing him like this, but he couldn't do it.

“You're really good with him,” Jenson praised.

Mark looked up and huffed a little laugh.

“What did you expect?”

Jenson shrugged.

“I don't know. To be honest I couldn't quite picture you with a baby, but you're a dab hand.”

“We've had him a while now mate. Sink or swim. You've just got to do it.” Mark looked down at the baby. “He's depending on us. We can't let him down, it's just not an option. He's our son.”

Jenson smiled and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“I guess it becomes second nature pretty quickly,” Mark explained. “You should have seen us at the start, trying to make bottles up in the middle of the night and just getting completely bamboozled.” He huffed a laugh. “One morning I came down and realised I'd put the tin of formula powder in the fridge for some reason after making a bottle at about three am. I don't even remember doing it.”

“Oh dear.”

“Yeah, ha. Anyway, as long Teddy's alright none of that matters.”

“Course,” agreed Jenson. “Ah what did I say eh? Knew it'd pan out. He really is a gorgeous little guy.” He smiled at Mark. “I'll miss you at races though.”

Mark smiled.

“Thanks.”

“Will you miss us?”

Mark looked to Teddy, then back to his friend.

“I'll miss the people. Say hi to folk for me won't you?”

“Course. You won't miss driving?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Ah I suppose. I'm really quite happy doing this. The hours are terrible and the pay is rubbish, but Seb's right, nothing's felt more important.”

Mark tipped the bottle higher and looked to be sure Teddy was still feeding. Jenson simply watched. His friend seemed to have completely transformed from the young racer he had first encountered fifteen years ago, but he had an air of calm contentment Jenson would never have recognised back then.

 

“Hey, sorry I couldn't find him.”

They both looked up to see Seb brandishing the toy dinosaur, Jess with him as they walked into the kitchen. Jenson got up to allow Seb to sit next to Mark and sat with his wife on the other side.

“He's fine,” assured Mark.

Sebastian nodded and placed the toy on the table so it was to hand.

“Having a little gas were you?” teased Jenson.

Jess smiled beatifically.

“We were talking about shopping.”

“Of course,” laughed Jenson.

“For Teddy.”

“Ah.”

“And what were you two talking about?” reposted Jess.

Jenson shrugged.

“Racing.”

“Of course,” she echoed.

Sebastian and Mark just smiled at one another. Their friends seemed to enjoy teasing each other even more than they did. Their attention was pulled back to Teddy as he flailed a hand and they took the hint that he was finished as he seemed to try to push the bottle away. Seb bobbed up to grab the cloth and dabbed at the baby's mouth where a little milk dribbled out.

“I'll do it,” Seb offered.

Mark nodded and waited while Sebastian fixed the muslin onto his shoulder before placing the baby there so he could wind him. Teddy let out a milky burp making Jess and Jenson smile, but his parents were too busy tidying him up and making sure their son was okay. Jenson leaned in a little closer to Jess and they smiled at each other instead, quite happy to be ignored.

  
  


It was another ten minutes before they stirred themselves to go back into the lounge, Sebastian offering a now satisfied and slightly dozy Teddy to Jess. He went to sit beside her on the sofa, giving her a few tips as to how to hold him before passing him over. Jessica sat stiffly, worrying that she might hurt him.

“Am I doing it right?” she checked.

“Yeah you're fine. Just keep your right elbow up where his head rests,” Seb advised.

“Right.”

Jess adjusted her hold and gave him a smile.

“Oh dear. I'm not sure I'm much good at it,” she apologised.

“You're fine. He's quite happy.”

Mark smiled over from the other sofa.

“You just get more confident with time.”

Sebastian nodded in agreement.

“That's true. We were so nervous at first, weren't we Liebling?”

“Yep. Terrified if I remember rightly.”

“The first time the nurse let us hold him in the hospital I was sure I would shake with nerves,” he confessed. “He was so small.” Sebastian gazed at the baby for a moment then smiled up at Jess. “Much bigger now.”

Jessica nodded.

“He does feel heavier than he looks.”

“Shall I take him back?”

“Oh um, okay.”

Sebastian slipped his hands under Teddy's body and neck and head with an ease that came of doing this so often between him and Mark. The baby snuggled in closer to him and Jenson smiled as he peered over from beyond his wife.

“Knows it's Papa doesn't he?”

Seb smiled back.

“Guess so. I'm not really sure if he knows whether it's me or Mark, but he definitely knows it's us. I think it's more about smell than looking at us.” He looked over at Mark. “He likes the smell of your hoodies doesn't he Liebling?”

“He does seem to,” Mark agreed, deciding not to add that their son was similar to his papa in that regard also.

Sebastian looked to Jenson again.

“Do you want a go?” he offered.

“Um.”

Mark huffed a laugh from the other sofa.

“Not sure?”

“Ah I dunno mate. I think he might wind up crying again with me.”

Seb nodded, not wanting to press him.

“I'll have another go,” offered Jess.

“Arms recovered?” smiled Mark.

“Here you are,” Seb encouraged.

Jessica carefully put her arms in the correct position to accept the baby and relaxed a fraction as Seb nodded and smiled to tell her Teddy was fine.

“I think I need to practise if I'm going to be godmother,” she smiled.

“Well you're always welcome to visit.”

“Thanks.”

  
  


They sat a while longer, Jenson eventually attempting a hold of Teddy for a minute though it took Mark coming over and literally moving his arms into position before Seb passed the baby over.

“Trickier than it looks,” noted Jenson.

Seb and Mark smiled at one another. They didn't think it was that hard to hold a baby, but then their friends didn't have the experience they did. Only six and a half weeks, but it already felt like months that they had been parents, focussing almost all their energies on their tiny son. Jenson didn't last long before he passed the baby back and as Mark lifted him away their guests looked over to the large lounge window.

“Blimey it's going dark already,” observed Jenson.

“Have you got to push on?” asked Seb.

“I think we do. Sorry guys but it's a bit of a drive to the west country.”

“No worries,” assured Mark.

Their friends stood where Mark and Seb had been going to resume their seats on the main sofa.

“I wish we could stay,” bemoaned Jess.

“Me too,” concurred Seb.

“I can't believe how the time's flown.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Welcome to our world. Honestly, we just lose track when we're home looking after him don't we?”

“Yep.”

“We'll come again,” assured Jenson. “Maybe if I let you guys know if we're over for family or whatever?”

“Definitely,” encouraged Mark. “I'm gonna be pretty much housebound so I'll appreciate visits.”

Seb smiled.

“Apart from actually coming to races with me.”

“Well yeah, apart from trekking all round the world I'm going to be stuck at home,” agreed Mark.

Jenson laughed and shook his head.

“Very good. Well we'll let you know. And Monaco, yeah?”

“Yep.”

“And Silverstone,” reminded Seb.

“Of course.”

“And we'll keep you up to date with plans for the christening when we decide that.”

Jess smiled.

“I can't wait.”

Jenson gave a her a little teasing nudge.

“She's already planning outfits.”

“No I'm not. Well, a bit. Are we dressing up?”

“Oh gosh I hadn't thought,” admitted Seb.

Jenson shook his head.

“Don't be giving them more stuff to worry about. Jessy just wants to wear a big hat.”

Mark laughed.

“You and our mothers both. I think hats are inevitable.”

“Just so long as we don't have to wear them,” smiled Seb.

 

They showed them out, Jess kissing all three of them goodbye and Jenson giving Seb a hug before looking at Mark with the baby and appearing a bit lost as to what he should do before giving Mark a nod and touching Teddy's little hand as if it was almost a shake in parting.

“Bye then Teddy,” smiled Jenson. “Nice to finally meet you.” He looked up to Seb and Mark and laughed. “Oh by the way, DC sends his regards. He's mad jealous I knew.”

Mark just gave a flick of his eyebrows at seeing how pleased his friend looked to be able to say that. Jess was having a last fuss over the baby and then they were finally on their way, Seb waving and Mark giving a nod as their friends pulled away.

  
  


 

As they shut the door and returned back to the lounge where they had left the dogs Mark placed Teddy down into the crib and sat with Seb.

“Pfff. I'm quite worn out,” he smiled.

“I was just thinking I wished they were staying longer.”

Mark chuckled and moved to put his arm around Sebastian.

“Ah well. Another time. I think Jenson needs a bit of breaking in with babies.”

Sebastian laughed and leaned into him.

“Were we that bad when we started?”

“Nah. Naturals.”

Seb smiled, knowing that wasn't entirely true. He rested his head down on Mark's shoulder as they both watched over their son.

“I think he was very good all considered,” Mark pronounced.

“He was Liebling,” Seb agreed.

“Don't think we scared them off then?”

Sebastian lifted his head.

“They weren't scared were they?”

“I'm kidding sweetheart. Just not used to babies. They'll learn. I reckon Jenson will be much more enthusiastic when Teddy's a toddler and he can muck about with him a bit.”

“Mm. Jess did alright. Just a bit nervous.”

“Yeah. Well we were once. She obviously likes him though.”

“Course she likes him,” insisted Seb, as if any other outcome was an impossibility.

“Course she does.” Mark nodded, as he pondered things. “Hmm.”

Seb frowned.

“What?”

“No I was just wondering.”

“Wondering?”

“Those two. They've never mentioned kids themselves.”

“Oh I see.”

“Jess ever said anything about it?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. Has Jenson?”

“Nope. I just wondered.”

“Oh well I don't think we should ask,” asserted Sebastian. “Not unless they bring it up. It might be a sensitive subject.”

“I guess they're both busy travelling for work. Not terribly conducive to a family I suppose.”

 

Seb laughed and looked at Mark who realised what he had just said.

“Oh. Ha, well we're different.”

“Course we are Liebling. Anyway you're right, they're busy working. I don't think we could do this if you weren't taking a year out.”

“No. Ah well. Not something to stick our noses in.”

“Mm.”

“Besides I wouldn't be at all surprised if Jess thought Jenson had a fair bit of growing up to do himself yet.”

“Ooh ouch,” laughed Seb.

“Ah I'm kidding. Mostly.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I dunno Liebling. It's not for everyone. I think they have a nice life. They might not see any reason to change it.”

Mark nodded.

“Quite right sweetheart. Anyway can you imagine raising a kid in some poky flat in Monaco?”

“No, but don't go calling it poky to Jess.”

“I wouldn't. I'm joking really. I suspect their gaff is quite palatial for Monte Carlo, but I wouldn't want to have a family there myself.”

“People do.”

“Mm, not us though.”

“No,” agreed Seb. “Not us. I think here is perfect.”

Mark smiled as he took in their surroundings. The fire had burnt down but it was still glowing nicely in the falling light. The dogs were piled happily on the floor glad to be in the warm heart of their family. Teddy was blissfully fast asleep in his crib and Mark had his Seb home and pressed in nicely under his arm. He nodded and leaned in to give Seb a kiss.

“Absolutely darling. Just perfect.”

  
  


 

* * *

 


	207. Perfect - Part 2

* * *

 

 

The following day Mark and Seb were back playing host as Christian arrived for lunch, apologising as he stood dripping in their hallway, the rain pouring down outside.

“Sorry, urgh, oh dear.”

“Let me take your coat mate,” offered Mark. “I'll stick it somewhere to dry off.”

“Ah thank you.”

Christian passed the soaked RedBull anorak over. He'd only had to cross the drive and wait a moment on the front doorstep and he'd nearly been drenched in the downpour. He gave Seb who was holding Teddy a smile.

“Good job work ones come with a hood,” he noted.

“Yeah. Sorry we were just upstairs with Teddy,” Seb explained.

“No problem. Dreadful weather out there. Wouldn't want to have a race today.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded as he led him into the lounge. Mark joining them a moment later.

“I just stuck it in the airing cupboard, soon dry out,” he explained.

“Thanks.”

“We're having roast chicken. I hope that's okay?” checked Seb.

“Sounds fabulous, thank you. Kind of you to ask me.”

“Glad you found the time,” smiled Mark as he sat down with Sebastian.

“Ah well good to get a break. I hate to say it but I won't be able to stay too long as I've got to bob into work later, sorry.”

Mark smiled to Seb at how predictable Christian was.

“You work too hard mate.”

“Oh well, you know, busy time.”

“I'll be in tomorrow,” Seb reminded his boss.

“Of course, well pop in to say hello if you get chance.”

“I will.”

Christian nodded.

“You're in the sim aren't you? Dan was doing some time working on that last week.”

“Oh was he? Yeah bit of sim time and then with the engineers.”

“Good good.”

“And after I'll be doing some prep work training with Antti,” Seb added.

Mark noted how keen Seb was to show his boss that he was going to be hard at work. He was sure that Christian already knew what one of his drivers would be doing whilst at the factory.

“Very good,” nodded Christian. “Well enough of work. How are you all?”

“Good mate,” assured Mark. “Glad to get back to normal a bit.”

“I'm sure.”

“Would you like a drink?” offered Seb.

“Oh I wouldn't say no to a coffee if it's going.”

“Right.”

 

Before Mark could offer to do it Sebastian passed over the baby and was getting up.

“Will you see if the chicken is done?” requested Mark. “Should be by now.”

“Righto. Yep.”

Sebastian went out and Mark looked down to see their son was content in his arms before looking back to his former boss.

“How are you anyway mate? Hard at it I imagine?”

Christian huffed a laugh.

“You imagine correctly. Yes it's all go.”

“Seb's very keen to get stuck in,” Mark assured him.

“I have no doubt.”

Mark nodded, then glanced to the door.

“He doesn't want you to think he's not. You know, with everything.”

Christian paused. He knew when Mark said something about Seb without him being there that meant he was concerned.

“I wouldn't think that Mark.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Mark considered saying that he didn't want Seb to feel as though he had to over-compensate for anything by putting in more hours and stressing himself out in the run-up to testing. He knew Christian probably had enough stress of his own to deal with.

“Work-life balance is important,” offered Christian, “especially when people have other priorities.”

“Work's still a priority for him,” Mark argued.

Christian hid a sigh.

“Yes I understand that. Believe me Mark, nobody at RedBull doubts how hard Seb works.”

Mark nodded again.

“I'll make sure he understands that,” assured Christian.

“Thanks. Sorry. I know you're slogging your guts out as usual.”

Christian shrugged.

“Time of year. Anyway this is a nice break for me.”

“Good. Well you're always welcome and not just because you're going to be Teddy's godfather.”

Christian huffed a laugh.

“Thank you. I will try to make myself make the time. I'm afraid I'm not the best example. Sometimes we're all in danger of losing sight of what's important. Speaking of which how are you doing after last week?”

Mark puffed out a long breath.

“Oh you know, trying to move on really.”

“Of course. Well...”

 

The door re-opened and Sebastian came back through accompanied by the dogs.

“I took it out to let it rest,” he stated.

Christian laughed.

“Is that why they're coming in here?”

Sebastian smiled as he sat back down, directing the dogs to sit down.

“I thought it best.”

“Unless we just want to be left with veggies for lunch it's best not to leave these boys alone alone with a temptation like that,” added Mark.

“I'm sure.”

“Speaking of which, the vegetables just need another five minutes,” noted Seb.

Mark nodded, then looked to Christian.

“We'll eat in the dining room so these boys don't try to snaffle your lunch.”

“Oh don't worry on my account.”

Mark shrugged.

“Making a bit of an effort for once aren't we sweetheart?”

“So often we're just grabbing lunch around Teddy these days,” Seb explained.

Christian opened his mouth to say that they shouldn't go to any trouble for him when they ought to be looking after Teddy, but Mark smiled.

“He's had his already, so hopefully this little guy will have a nap while we eat.”

“Ah okay.”

 

A short while later they were sat at the dining table. Christian had insisted on helping to take things through, though Seb and Mark had already set up in there, the crib waiting to receive its occupant placed between the two of them.

“Well this looks marvellous,” praised Christian as he surveyed the meal laid out.

“Thanks,” smiled Sebastian, “nice for us to have a treat too.”

Mark stood to carve the chicken whilst Seb offered over bowls of accompaniments. Christian helped himself and thanked Mark as he piled roast chicken onto his plate for him.

“Thank you.”

“Well get stuck in,” encouraged Mark.

Christian smiled and did as he was told. Teddy obliged them all by taking enough of a nap that they got halfway through before demanding more attention from them. Seb lifted him out and the baby quieted as he pressed into his father. Seb stroked his cheek to soothe him, then continued eating using only his fork and Christian smiled at the way it barely broke his stride.

“Be a bit strange not to have you in the garage in Barcelona Mark,” he commented.

Mark glanced to Seb and the baby.

“Ah well you know, priorities.”

“Of course. Melbourne though, you'll be there?”

“Well I'm not sure how much we'll be in the garage, but we'll be at the race for sure.”

“Mm, I'm sure you'll be more comfortable in the base, but you're welcome to come say hello.”

“Thanks.”

“In all honesty I rather think the guys would be disappointed if you didn't.”

Mark chuckled and touched Teddy's nose.

“See how popular you are kiddo?” He looked up to Christian. “I'm sure we'll stop by.”

“Some of Mark's family are coming too,” reminded Sebastian.

“Great.”

“I've spoken to logistics, well, Britta has.”

“Ever organised,” Christian smiled.

“Britta is certainly.”

“And you,” assured his boss. “That's fine. Good to have a family atmosphere in the garage.”

 

Seb smiled to Mark thinking how their family had changed compared to the past when he and Mark shared that garage as drivers. No doubt the media would enjoy making that point too. If Mark did bring Teddy down to visit they would have to make sure that it wasn't any time that cameras were likely to be about.

“Are you looking all set then, for testing?” enquired Mark.

“Oh, well hopefully. I'm rather hoping we don't get weather like this.”

They all looked outside at the rain streaming down the window and Sebastian sighed.

“We were hoping to take the dogs for a walk after.”

“Ah. Hmm, doesn't look too promising,” Christian observed.

“No.”

“Oh well. As I said, unfortunately I'll have to get back to work.”

Mark shook his head.

“You do go home occasionally don't you?”

Christian smiled.

“I've not quite reached the stage where I have a camp bed in my office.”

“Good to know.”

Sebastian shifted Teddy up a little so Mark turned to him.

“Want me to take him?”

Seb shook his head.

“No I'm okay.”

Mark nodded. He guessed that Seb was wanting to get as much time was possible with their son when he would be away from home more in the coming weeks. Christian thought he caught something in the exchange, so he took a sip of his drink, then looked over to Seb.

“Everything is really reaching the last finishing touches of course now, so we should be well set for testing.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I'm going to be testing the updated wing in the sim.”

“Mm, yes I believe so. Not all week though?”

“I'll just do whatever needs doing, get up to speed.”

“Yes.” Christian glanced to Mark. “Though of course you don't want to overdo it so close to testing.”

 

Sebastian frowned a little, wondering what he meant by that. Did his boss think he looked tired? He hoped he wasn't thinking about when Seb had embarrassed himself by falling asleep in that meeting a few weeks ago.

“I'm just doing part days,” Sebastian explained. “Alternating late morning starts and earlier afternoon finishes.”

“Mm. As I say, got to try for a balance,” asserted Christian, “and I've no doubt this young man still requires a lot of attention.”

“Oh, well, I guess.”

“We've got his first trip to the doctor's this week,” interjected Mark.

“Oh?” Christian sat up a fraction. “Well I hope you're taking time for that Seb? You don't want to miss these things.”

“It's okay. It's Wednesday morning so I'm not in until eleven.”

Christian gave a little shake of his head.

“Leave it until after lunch. Really Seb, there's nothing that urgent you can't have time for this sort of thing. I'm sure Mark would appreciate the help if Teddy kicks up a bit of a fuss.”

Sebastian looked down to Teddy in his arms. He was being good now and they had booked the earliest appointment they could get at the G.P.’s in the village, but they had never taken their son to the doctor's before. Perhaps allowing more time might be best? It wouldn't be fair to leave Mark coping on his own if Teddy was upset afterwards.

“Well, um, I guess we've not got anything specific arranged that day,” allowed Seb.

“Good,” nodded Christian. “Just do what really needs doing.”

Seb glanced to Mark, wondering if he had said something to his boss.

“I just... I don't want anyone to think I'm asking for special allowances,” he admitted.

Christian shook his head.

“You're not.” He huffed a little laugh. “You know Daniel was only in two days last week and he's not in this week. Not that it's a competition.”

 

Sebastian thought he could argue that it absolutely _was_ a competition between team-mates, even when it was just about preparing for the season, but he didn't want to argue with his boss, especially when he was rather relieved to be told that information.

“Okay,” he nodded, then seeing that everyone seemed to have cleared their plates as much as they were likely to, Sebastian looked to Mark. “I'll get dessert.”

He passed Teddy over and stood.

“Dessert?” smiled Christian. “Treats indeed.”

“Oh um, it's only fruit salad,” justified Seb, worrying if that sounded as though they were eating unhealthily.

“Sounds delicious,” assured his boss.

Sebastian smiled more and went to fetch it from the fridge. Surely even Antti couldn't disapprove of this? He hoped he was making a good impression on his boss, because Christian was still that, even if they blurred the lines of friendship a little.

  
  


 

Only an hour later they were back in the hall, Christian making his apologies as he pulled his now dried coat back on.

“I'm so sorry I have to dash. I hope you don't think I'm being rude.”

“Course not,” dismissed Mark. “Glad you could come.”

“As am I,” smiled Christian as he checked his pocket to be sure he hadn't mislaid his car-keys. He didn't want to be floundering for them while he got soaked outside.

“Yes, thanks for coming,” added Sebastian.

“Thanks for inviting me. And lovely to see my godson of course. Let me know how you get on at the doctors.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Nothing compared to the week after I imagine.”

“Oh?”

Mark pulled a face.

“Got his jabs the week after. Now that I'm definitely gonna need back up for.”

Christian looked to Seb.

“You will be home by then won't you?”

“Yeah it's fine. I'm flying back Tuesday night.”

“Ah of course. Yes. Good, well I shall see you in work. Thank you for a lovely meal, both of you.”

 

With goodbyes they showed him out, Christian dashing across the drive to climb into his car out of the incessant downpour. They gave him a wave and Mark looked at the propped open gate wondering if he should go and close it after him, then decided it wasn't worth it in this weather. He was sure they were fine now. As Christian backed out onto the lane they gave him a last wave and shut the door. Seb turned to Mark and raised an eyebrow.

“What?” frowned Mark.

“What did you say to him?”

Mark sighed. He knew he was pretty transparent.

“I just want him to appreciate how hard you work.”

“Mark.”

“Well I'm sorry sweetheart but I don't want you stressing yourself out.”

Sebastian sighed heavily and Mark put an arm around him.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go behind your back. I just...” he shook his head, knowing he had probably overstepped things because of his own worries. “I'm sorry darling.”

Seb looked to him.

“I just don't want him to think I'm not fully committed now.”

“He won't think that.”

“Hmm.”

“Seb he won't. Nobody could. You work harder than anybody.”

Seb gave him a look.

“Alright,” conceded Mark, “not harder than Christian, but even he knows he's a workaholic. It's not meant to be contagious.”

“I just...” Sebastian shrugged a shoulder. “I don't know. I don't want to give the wrong impression.”

“What impression would that be?”

“I dunno. That I've changed now.”

“Well things _have_ changed.”

“I know. And I want to give time to you and Teddy too. I don't want to leave you doing all the work looking after him.”

“That's not why I said anything.”

“No Liebling I know that.”

“Sweetheart you've always been committed. The team know that. And you'll still give it your all. I just don't want you overdoing it to prove a point. That's all.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Let's go have a sit before we tackle tidying up then.”

 

They went into the lounge where the dogs were and Mark gave them a quick rub before turning to Seb.

“Are you annoyed with me?” he worried.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No.”

“Okay. Thank you sweetheart. I'm sorry if I overstepped things with Christian. I just worry about you trying too hard.”

“Trying too hard?”

“Burning the candle at both ends.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian looked down at Teddy, then to Mark.

“I won't go in just for the sake of it, or stay longer than I need to.”

“Good.”

“But I do need to prepare properly for testing, all aspects. I need to spend time in the sim and with the engineers and the guys. It's important.”

“I know that darling. I get it.”

“I know you do.”

“Okay then.”

“And I need to spend more time with Antti. I feel like I didn't really train last week.”

“No, well okay, so you do that, but just so long as you're only doing what you need to do, not doing things because you're worrying about what people think.”

They looked at one another, then Seb nodded.

“Okay Liebling. I'm not going to do anything just for show. Besides I want to be home as much as possible. It's not like I _want_ to be away from you, or Teddy.”

“I would never think you would.”

 

Sebastian bit his lip, feeling a sudden wash of emotion. Mark saw put his arm around him and gently pulled him in.

“Darling I'd never think you want to be away from us.”

“I want to do as much as I can with Teddy.”

“I know.”

“I want to be a good father.”

“Oh sweetheart you are.”

Seb rested the side of his head into Mark's, just to feel it for a moment.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark gave his arm a little rub, then sat up to look at him.

“I know you want to everything you can with Teddy and I know you want to do everything you need to for work. You don't want to let anyone down.”

“Of course I don't.”

“Of course you don't,” echoed Mark. “And I get that, and it's great. It's who you are darling and in lots of ways that's brilliant, but at the same time you can push yourself too hard, put too much pressure on yourself. You want to be the perfect driver for the team and you want to be the perfect father to Teddy.”

Sebastian pouted.

“And to you.”

“You want to be the perfect father to me too?” teased Mark.

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help smiling.

“No. Tsk. I want to be a good husband to you.”

“You are. You've got that one covered sweetheart I promise.”

“Okay.”

“I'm just trying to say you don't need to put extra pressure on yourself,” Mark explained. “There's more than enough about as it is sweetheart, don't add more. You do what you need to with work. The team don't need a good impression making, they know you well enough by now.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“Yeah I guess.”

“And I don't want you worrying about whether you're doing enough with Teddy when you are working.”

“I want to do all I can.”

“I know you do darling. You're a wonderful father and of course you want to do all you can, but there are limits.”

Sebastian frowned slightly.

“What do you mean?”

“Well I think this week we need to switch to a work footing. I'll take over night feeds and nappy changes.”

“Oh Mark I'm only going in part-time.”

“Sweetheart I'm sorry, but I'm putting my foot down. You can't head into testing tired.”

“I'm not testing until the week after.”

“But this is the build up. You try getting up all through the night, dragging yourself into work each day, slogging it out in the gym and then coming home to look after Teddy because you've missed him all day. That is a recipe for exhaustion.”

Seb pouted.

“I will miss him all day. And you.”

“Of course you will and I've no objection to you wanting to do all you can in the day. You want to spend time with Teddy. You need to do prep in work. Fine. But I do the getting up in the night.”

Sebastian sighed, but Mark looked at him firmly.

“I don't ask for much,” pointed out Mark. “But this is non-negotiable. You need your rest otherwise you'll be a mess by the time you arrive in Barcelona and try to drive the new car and work with the team and deal with the media on top of that. You'll be knackered and the idea of you getting into the car tired...”

 

Mark's voice caught and Sebastian felt terrible. He really didn't ask much. Mark almost always deferred to him, even in film choices, and here was Mark having to beg to do more for him when Seb knew how much he always did anyway.

“Oh Liebling I don't want you worrying.”

“But I will.” Mark shook his head. “Darling you know I will. You know because I know you feel it every time I race.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark nodded too.

“So you know not worrying is just about impossible,” Mark continued. “I think we simply have to come to terms with that, but what I can't bear sweetheart is the idea of you doing that tired. If anything happened to you. If...” Mark's heart clutched and his eyes filled with unexpected tears. “If you got hurt. If I lost you...”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Liebling no. You won't lose me.”

“I couldn't bear it.”

“I'll be okay.”

“You have to be. I need you too much. Teddy needs you.”

 

Seb closed his eyes, sure that they would both be in tears in a moment. He opened them and looked down at his son. How terrible it would be to even imagine Mark being left alone, their family fractured and Teddy growing up without him. If it was the other way around Seb had no idea how he would cope. It was a horrible idea.

“I'm sorry,” apologised Mark. “I don't mean to use emotional blackmail. I just...”

“You worry.” Seb looked to him and nodded. “I understand Liebling. Of course you do.”

“I'm not asking you to change the way you drive. I don't want you worrying about us when you're in the car.”

Sebastian nodded, then gave him a little smile.

“To be honest Liebling there's usually too much to think about just driving it.”

“Good. As it should be,” asserted Mark. “I just don't want to add any more tiredness than is avoidable into that when you've already got quite enough to deal with.”

“Okay.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then. Just think of it as part of your preparations. Same going into races. That's just how it's gonna have to be this year.”

Seb took in a deep breath and nodded.

“You are doing such a good thing taking all this on,” he praised.

Mark smiled.

“Well that's the deal. I'm taking a year out and this is what it's for. I want to do this.”

“Okay.”

“So you'll let me take the night shift?” pressed Mark.

Sebastian gave him a little smile.

“You know I'll wake up anyway.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Yeah fair enough, but I'm the one going down to make bottle. I'll be the one changing nappies.”

Sebastian nodded reluctantly.

“Okay Liebling.”

“It's just how it has to be,” insisted Mark. “I won't complain.” He smiled. “Well alright, I might have a little moan, but I'd far rather that than...” He shook his head. “The idea of you getting behind the wheel of an F1 car tired. No sweetheart. It just can't happen.”

Seb looked into his eyes and couldn't miss the worry there. Poor Mark stuck a continent away when Seb knew how anxious he got stood there in the garage. He didn't want Mark staring at his phone the whole time he was testing, terrified that it would ring with Christian informing him that there had been an accident.

 

“It won't. I'll be alright Liebling I promise.”

Mark nodded and tried not to think how hard it was going to be knowing Seb was getting into a new and untested car anyway. Even if Seb was in the best of shape, fully rested and prepared, he knew too well that things could go wrong with the car anyway and faults were all the more likely when new parts were all being tried out for the first time. Whatever they did Mark was going to worry.

“Alright,” agreed Mark. “Sorry if I'm making you feel guilty about it.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It's okay.”

Mark nodded and looked in at Teddy to take his little hand.

“Don't spose there's any chance you could choose this week to start sleeping through could you mate?”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I don't think that's terribly likely yet Liebling.”

“No, guess not.”

“And I will wake too. That's kind of unavoidable.”

“Mm, well. I suppose so, unless either you or me and this little guy go and sleep in another bedroom.”

“No.”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“No, alright. That would make me pretty sad too. You could wear earplugs?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Liebling I'd only end up lying awake, worrying I was missing something important. I like hearing him breathe in the night. It's how I know he's really okay.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. Me too.”

“It's soothing. When I know he's safe I know I'm okay to go to sleep,” explained Sebastian.

“Mm. Okay. Would you object to us putting the crib on my side, just for now?”

 

Seb paused. He liked having Teddy near, but if Mark was the one getting up all the time it wasn't fair to add to that by making him traipse around to his side in the low-light, trying not to fall over when he was half-asleep.

“Sure. If that's easier,” he agreed.

“Okay then and yeah I guess you will wake up if he cries, but I'll do the legwork. Hopefully you can go back to sleep.”

“Will you feed him in bed with us?”

“If he's quiet.”

“He usually is when he's feeding.”

“True. Yeah okay.”

“I find it restful when we're all cuddled up together.”

“Okay then.”

“I'll drop off better for knowing he's okay.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah alright, fair enough sweetheart, but if he's fussing I'll take him into the nursery. Deal?”

“Deal,” confirmed Sebastian.

 

He leaned in and stretched up to kiss Mark's cheek.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“You don't need to thank me.”

“I still want to.” Seb looked at Teddy in his arms. “You have a wonderful Daddy Schatz.”

Mark smiled.

“I'm not saying I might not get a bit grouchy now and then.”

“Well you'll be tired Liebling.”

“Mm.”

“You will take naps won't you? While I'm in work at least.”

“I will. The moment this little chap looks the least sleepy I'll be up there like a shot, spark out on the pillow as soon as he's down in his crib.”

Sebastian smiled and looked at Teddy.

“You have to be extra good for Daddy.”

“Well let's hope so. To be honest sweetheart my plan is pretty much to mooch about in trackies and hoody and become best pals with the duvet.”

“I'm going to alternate early and late starts.”

“Yeah you said.”

“I thought we could still do some runs or walk the dogs,” proposed Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Before you go off to train in the gym.”

“I need to step it up. The stuff at home is just for fun.”

Mark puffed a long breath. He knew how these things went.

“Yeah okay. Well a jog out for coffee in the morning sounds good.”

“Walk the dogs in the afternoon. Give me something to look forward to.”

“Getting home to us not enough?” teased Mark.

“Getting home to you is everything.” Seb looked into his eyes, then glanced down to their son. “Both of you.”

 

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss, then wrapped his arms a little more around the pair of them.

“Good, we'll always be okay then.”

They sat that way for a couple of minutes, then as Mark looked down to see Teddy closing his eyes he lifted away.

“This little one seems to be offering us a nap right now, so what say we see if he'll go down and you and I have grab a bit of sleep to bank a bit up while we can, yeah?”

“Yeah. That sounds good Liebling,” agreed Seb.

“Great. Right boys, sorry but you're going to have to have a little nap too. Weather's rotten anyway. We'll make it up to you.”

They both stood, Seb shooing the dogs into the kitchen while Mark collected up the crib from the dining room. Seb turned around as Mark came back into the hall.

“Kitchen's a tip,” commented Sebastian.

Mark shrugged.

“Meh. Priorities. C'mon, he's fallen asleep and I reckon he's got the right idea.”

“Yeah. I think you're right Liebling.”

  
  


  
  


  
  


Going into work the next morning did seem like a return to normal for Seb. He couldn't deny that he did feel better for getting more rest, though it was hard not to feel a lingering guilt at Mark taking so much of the burden. Each time Teddy woke them Mark reminded Seb of their deal and Sebastian hadn't fought it. They had made their agreement and Seb understood that it was crueller to add to Mark's worries than to allow him to get up to make bottles and change nappies for their son in the middle of the night. As he drove in to Milton Keynes, navigating the endless roundabouts leading to the factory, Sebastian wondered if he ought to feel a little _more_ guilt at how it had been easier than he had anticipated to roll over and drop off again once Mark took Teddy out, but once he got into the work there was too much to occupy his mind and body to allow thoughts of that.

It did feel good to get stuck in. Nobody other than Britta even mentioned the announcements of the previous week and Sebastian appreciated it. The team had their own priorities and it was nice to concentrate on those for a while without worrying about anything else. He got the chance to thank Britta for all her efforts on his behalf, but apart from that it was straight down to business and by the time Seb was up to being put through his paces by Antti in the gym, Seb had no energy left to concern himself with anything other than completing what was asked of him. It was only when he finished and had chance to shower that Sebastian fully appreciated how _right_ Mark was about things.

  
  


When he got home shortly after three pm Sebastian found Mark sat with Teddy and the dogs in the lounge. Mark looked up as the door opened.

“Hey.”

Sebastian smiled and sat beside him, pausing to caress Teddy's cheek before leaning into kiss Mark's.

“Thank you.”

Mark frowned a little.

“Hm?”

“You were right.”

Mark smiled.

“Nice to hear, but specifically about?”

“I'm knackered.”

Mark chuckled and gave Seb a kiss in return.

“Ah I see. Busy day then?”

“Yeah. Pfff, crazy. Good though.”

“Well that's alright then.”

Seb let out a huffed breath that felt like pushing out the efforts of the day and re-setting himself to being home. He looked to Mark and Teddy again.

“How about you? Has everything been okay?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah not too bad. Possibly not quite as frantic as your day, but he's kept me reasonably busy.”

Seb smiled and gently chubbed Teddy's cheek.

“I hope you've been good for Daddy Schatz.”

“He's not been bad. We had a couple of mini-naps.”

“Ah well that's alright.”

“He also peed on my shirt, but I'm not going to hold it against him.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Oh dear.”

“It wasn't one of my favourites,” assured Mark. “Anyway, fine really.”

“Good. Thank you. Thank you for all of this.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“He's just had a feed. What do you fancy doing? Want to take the dogs out?”

Seb rested his temple on Mark's shoulder.

“Would it be selfish to ask if we could try for another of those mini-naps first?”

Mark smiled.

“Nope. Sounds an excellent idea.” He turned his head and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek. “C'mon, before this young man decides he disagrees.”

  
  


  
  


The following morning Seb had a later start scheduled at work so he and Mark went for run with Teddy in his jogging pram. They were getting better at doing a rather better speed now they were more confident that their son was quite safely supported and protected from any little bumps as they went along. They only really had to slow to cross roads and once they got into the village as it was fairly busy seeing as it was shortly after eight am and there were still people heading out on their commutes.

The coffee shop was reasonably quiet though as most customers at this time were only grabbing drinks to go, so they could tuck themselves in a corner with the pram with plenty of space. It actually felt like something of a treat for Mark to have a trip out and though Jean offered to warm a bottle, Teddy had been soothed to sleep by the gentle motion of the pram and actually lay peacefully asleep, only needing his covers turning back and his snowsuit undoing so he didn't overheat, but other than that his parents were left to chat and read the paper undisturbed, which really felt like a bit of a treat for both of them.

 

Sebastian was a little sad to leave them as he headed in again for eleven. It somehow felt easier to shoot off first thing as he had the day before, but running was one of their morning activities so it was nice to get that done. Mark waved him off with Teddy and the dogs from the doorstep and Seb gave them all a wave goodbye before reversing down the drive into the lane and setting off. He knew he would be fine once he was working so Seb turned the radio up and determined to be positive about things, knowing that if he moped about having to leave them he would only make himself miserable. He would be home before dinner tonight. In comparison to how it was going to be when he was actually away for testing Seb knew this was the easy bit.

Once the car disappeared down the lane Mark turned and shut the front door then shifted Teddy to hold him with both arms, giving him a smile.

“Just us now buddy. What shall we do eh?”

He walked through into the lounge, the dogs trailing with them and Mark sat down on the sofa with a little huff. It felt funny to wave Seb off to work each morning. Somehow it made Mark feel like some kind of 1950's housewife complete with babe-in-arms, but he knew saying a proper goodbye mattered to Seb. It was the sort of little thing that Mark understood without asking meant more that Sebastian would admit. Mark smiled to himself thinking that as usual it was the smallest of things that made his husband happy, or at least made him less sad to be leaving them.

Mark let out a little yawn and wondered whether half ten was too early to attempt a nap before Teddy required another feed. He looked fairly passive at least. Worth a go Mark reckoned, so he levered himself back up off the sofa to go try putting Teddy down in his crib so Mark could crash out in bed himself for a bit.

  
  


 

 

  
  


The following day they were backsharing duty looking after Teddy. This time sat in the waiting area of the local G.P.'s in the village. It felt strange to sit there with their son when both of them recalled how they had sat here a little less than a year ago watching someone else with a child when the prospect of their own felt so remote. Teddy was in a far better mood than that bawling toddler had been though. Despite the fact it was a less than ten minute drive, the baby had dropped off in his car-seat so they had left him in and he now lay still strapped in it, the carrier placed on the coffee table just in front of them.

They had arrived rather early, Seb a little anxious that they shouldn't risk being late. So for now they were left twiddling their thumbs, half glancing at the information posters plastered all over the walls. After a couple of minutes an older woman who appeared to be in her seventies entered and after speaking to the receptionist as they had, came to take a seat. Mark noticed that she was looking over at them and told himself to ignore it. An older generation probably wasn't used to seeing a family like them. He didn't think she knew who they were unless she was a closet F1 fan which he doubted somehow. Mark gave Seb a little smile, about to lean in to make a quiet comment that they obviously needn't have bothered getting here so early when the woman got up and came over. Mark frowned, wondering for a moment whether she might be about to make a comment that he wasn't going to appreciate when she looked in at Teddy.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” she enquired.

“Oh a boy,” stated Seb sitting forwards a little.

The woman smiled at the baby.

“How sweet.” She glanced back at them. “Isn't he good?”

Mark huffed a laugh. He should have guessed that an old lady was more interested in fussing over a baby than caring too much about the parents.

“Not normally so quiet,” he informed her.

“He is sometimes,” countered Sebastian, then looked to Mark thinking how he was getting the rough end of when Teddy was noisy in the night. “Though I guess he picks his moment.”

The woman nodded and looked at them more carefully. This time both Sebastian and Mark wondered whether she might recognise them, perhaps from the recent newspaper reports, but then she gave them a little smile.

“Are you Pauline's boys?”

Sebastian's mouth opened at the description and Mark nearly laughed out-loud, but he suppressed it and nodded.

“Um, yes I suppose you might say so,” he confirmed.

The woman went to sit down to the side near them, clearly pleased to find someone to chat to.

“I saw her at the W.I. the other night and someone said how she'd kept very quiet about there being a baby now, but then Pauline's never been one for gossip. Her own son is in Canada you know. I suppose you do know that?”

Mark nodded.

“Yes.”

“I've no doubt she's thrilled to have a little one to fuss over,” smiled the woman.

“Mm.”

“Pauline is invaluable to us, isn't she Liebling?” offered Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“She is indeed.”

“Well I'm sure she would be gratified to hear that,” agreed the woman.

Mark was tempted to say that they had made sure to tell Pauline plenty of times themselves, but just then the receptionist called over.

“Vettel-Webber? Room two please, thank you.”

 

Not unhappy to escape, Mark scooped up the carrier and with nods to the women who had been sat by them, they went past the front desk down the corridor to the examination rooms. Mark leaned in to whisper in Seb's ear.

“Blimey, good job Pauline isn't an old gossip like that.”

Seb looked to him.

“I think she was probably lonely Liebling.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“Always finding the best in people sweetheart. Just so. Ah well, at least she liked Teddy.”

“Of course she liked Teddy.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at Seb's assertion, but he suspected their little boy would win most old ladies over without trying too hard. Sebastian knocked and opened the door as they were called in for their appointment.

 

Despite having been given a clean bill of health by their midwife, Seb and Mark watched on a little anxiously as Teddy was given his check-up, asking as many questions as possible to try to make sure that everything was okay and that their son was developing as he should be. They were reassured to hear that he was, though that was using the measure of his actual due date. If there was another child born on New Year's Day beside him, Teddy would still be small by comparison, but they had to tell themselves that it was to be expected and the doctor reassured them that there was nothing that concerned her.

Teddy wasn't keen on being undressed and inspected by a stranger and though his parents stood with the doctor and made sure their son could see them there, Teddy began wailing part-way through. The doctor made no comment other than to say he had a healthy set of lungs which she meant both as a joke and in truth, but Mark and Seb were too busy leaning over their son, trying to stroke over his arm and head to calm him enough to allow the check-up to be completed.

As soon as it was done they re-dressed him and Mark picked Teddy up, holding him into his chest to rub his back.

“Come on now sweetheart it's alright. All done now.”

“Shh-sh Liebling, the doctor's just making sure you're alright,” soothed Seb as he looked in at him. “Sorry,” he apologised as they sat down by the desk.

“Oh I'm used to it believe me. As no doubt are you.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Too right doc. So, we okay then?”

The doctor was rapidly entering her notes into the computer, clearly used to multi-tasking.

“Yes nothing to worry about. As I said, it is to be expected that his milestones are a little behind, but not significantly so and certainly not for four and a half weeks which he would be if he had been to term. His growth is very encouraging and he's certainly very lively.”

She smiled and flicked her eyebrows up as Teddy continued to make his unhappiness at having to undergo this ordeal known.

“He really is quite a happy little chap most of the time,” Mark assured her.

“I'm sure.”

Mark smoothed over his back once more, then shifted Teddy to lie in his arms so he could look up at him and Seb.

“C'mon now mate, cheer up. All done now.”

Sebastian fished a tissue out of a pocket to dry Teddy's cheeks, then looked to the doctor.

“I think it's just being somewhere strange.”

“Mm,” agreed the doctor, “well I hate to break it to you, but I don't imagine he'll enjoy getting his inoculations next week much either.”

Sebastian looked back to Teddy and sighed, but Mark caught his eyes.

“They're important sweetheart.”

“I know.”

Seb nodded and stroked over Teddy's cheek with his knuckle. He hated the idea of their baby being upset and even hurt by injections, but failing to give them to him could have consequences that were far worse.

“That will be with the nurse,” explained the doctor. “She will run through it all with you next week, but did you have any questions now?”

Seb and Mark looked to one another.

“Um, do you think it's likely he'll have a reaction to them?” asked Mark.

“A minor reaction isn't unusual, some redness, a slightly raised temperature and I'm afraid crying is almost universal.”

“It's not likely to be worse with him being small?” worried Seb.

“I wouldn't think so. He seems quite hardy and your son has been out in the world, surrounded, even with the best hygiene efforts in the world I'm afraid, with plenty of germs his system has learnt to fight already. He should be fine, but as I say, the nurse will go over it all and advise you of anything you might want to keep an eye out for, just in case.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and looked to Mark again, trying to think what to ask.

“Liebling do we need to check anything else?”

“Um, I dunno. We take him swimming quite a bit. Should we give that a rest afterwards for a while?”

“Perhaps it might be advisable. He might not be in the mood anyway I suspect,” she advised. “He may prefer to be home.”

Mark smiled.

“Ah well the pool is at home.”

“A swimming pool?”

“Yes. We have an extension to the house.”

“Oh I see. Very nice. Well he's far less likely to pick anything up if it isn't a public pool, but even so with jabs he might not enjoy it in the immediate aftermath. Other than that you'll really have to see how he is.”

“Righto, thanks.”

“You can't really predict these things in advance. Hopefully he'll be fine, but sometimes they need a day or two until they're back to themselves.”

“At least I'll be home,” commented Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“You'll both be bringing him in then?” checked the doctor.

“Yes, Mark's on leave this year and I'm only working Monday Tuesday next week,” Seb explained.

“Ah I see. Very good. I'm sure that'll be a help. Well, is there anything else while you're here?

“I don't think so. Liebling?”

“Nope. Best get him home I reckon.”

Teddy wasn't crying loudly anymore, but he was still fussing a little, so they thanked the doctor and said goodbye, Seb collecting up the carrier as Mark held onto Teddy as they left.

 

As they fitted the car-seat onto the back seat of the car Teddy wriggled and fussed again, making doing up the straps harder. Once they finally had it done Seb crawled out from the other side where he had gone in to help and Mark carefully closed the door on his side before they both got into the front. Seb leaned around from the passenger seat to look at Teddy, reaching through to rub his leg.

“We're going home now Teddy Schatz, it's alright now.” He sighed as he turned to Mark. “I think it might be a good job I'm home next week.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark darkly, already suspecting that their son might require the two of them to manage him getting his jabs. Leanne had warned him that they could be a trial. “Let's go then, see if he won't cheer up with a bottle.”

By the time they got home Teddy had quieted, though Seb wasn't sure if it had been him reassuring him or the motion of the car that had made the difference. As they pulled up to a halt on the drive Mark climbed out to open the back door and looked in at the baby.

“I suspect he's has worn himself out crying.”

Sebastian helped Mark unclip him from his carrier. It didn't seem as though their son much liked going to the doctor's and Seb rather dreaded taking him back for his inoculations, but it had to be done and it was reassuring to know all was well. As Mark lifted the baby up from his seat Seb paused to stroke over Teddy's blonde whisps of hair.

“Alright sweetheart?” checked Mark.

Seb glanced to him then back to Teddy pondering what the doctor had said about their son.

“Yeah. Small but perfectly formed.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“He is,” pouted Seb.

Mark nodded. He didn't think Teddy was the only one to fit that description.

“Course he is. C'mon, let's go in and make the most of your morning off, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark gave Seb a quick kiss and they headed in, both thinking that going back to bed for a bit would be a good place to start.

  
  


  
  


 

  
  


By the end of the week Sebastian's head was crammed with all the things he would be doing when he arrived in Barcelona for testing. He was glad to get lots of time to prepare so he felt ready, but though he was anticipating getting stuck in to see how it all worked and he had enjoyed being a part of the team in work, Seb was still dreading leaving his family behind. To try to alleviate those feelings and to show his appreciation to Mark he had tried to plan a couple of things in, so when he got home on Friday evening Sebastian was pleased to be greeted in addition to Mark giving him a kiss, to be told a couple of parcels had arrived.

“I stuck them in the dining room out of the way,” Mark related. “Are they for when you're away?”

“Sort of.”

They were stood in the kitchen, Teddy lying in his crib while Mark had been busy cooking dinner. Seb stood leaning in over him, giving his cheek a stroke.

“Hello Schatz. Have you been good for Daddy?”

Mark huffed a laugh as he stood with Seb.

“Not bad. We sat out and had a play with the dogs.”

Sebastian smiled and raised an eyebrow.

“Teddy played?”

“Well, he sat with me and watched as I tried throwing things for them in the garden.”

“Very good.”

“And he's given me a nice quiet twenty minutes to cook now,” Mark added. “Speaking of which, if you want to get changed we could eat now while he's happy?”

“Right, yeah five minutes Liebling, thank you.”

  
  


Sebastian left the kitchen, stopping off in the dining room to check his deliveries were what he thought they were before dashing up to change so he and Mark could hopefully eat undisturbed while the peace lasted. After dinner they sat in the lounge, the television on as they half watched a science programme on BBC4. They had just changed Teddy so he was settling back down again in Mark's arms and the dogs had taken themselves off to the kitchen. As the programme finished Seb made a decision and got up off the sofa.

“Are you making a cup of tea?” enquired Mark.

“I can.”

“Oh no it's okay.”

Sebastian smiled.

“No I fancy one now. You want one?”

“Well if you're making it, yeah. Cheers.”

A couple of minutes later Seb returned, placing two mugs on the coffee table only to turn around and go out again. Mark frowned and looked down to Teddy in his arms.

“What's Papa up to?”

Sebastian came back in bearing the two cardboard boxes piled on top of one another. He placed them on the coffee table, then smiled at Mark who was still nonplussed.

“These your things?” prompted Mark.

“No they're for you,” Seb announced.

He went to sit down by Mark.

“For me?” Mark checked.

“Yep. I was going to give you them tomorrow, but I just thought I'd do it now,” Seb explained. “They're only little.”

He held his arms ready as a hint so Mark passed Teddy over before he pulled the packages closer.

“I opened them to check they were right,” Sebastian told him.

“Sure.” Mark huffed a laugh. “What have I done to deserve presents?”

“Everything with Teddy.”

Mark looked at him.

“You don't have to get me presents for that.”

“No but... I just wanted to give you something before I went away. They're just little somethings.”

Mark gave a tiny shake of his head. Seb was only going to be away for two nights, but if it made him happy who was he to argue?

“Very kind of you darling,” thanked Mark. “Right, what have we got here then?”

“Bigger box first.”

Mark chuckled and swapped them over, opening the already slit flaps of the larger box to reveal something bulky and dark green in a clear plastic wrapper. He ripped that open and touched the fabric with his hand; fluffy like one of Teddy's toys and very soft.

“Are you sure it's for me?” checked Mark.

“Yes and before you ask, so is the other one.”

“Righto. Let's see then.”

Mark tore the rest of the wrapper open and pulled the contents out, standing to let it unfurl to the floor. For a moment he thought it might be a rug for on the sofa, but then Mark opened it out to see that it was a dressing gown, possibly the fluffiest, largest one he had ever seen.

“Oh my word,” he laughed.

Seb looked up at him, his expression between hopeful and worried what Mark might think.

“Is it too big?”

Mark smiled and put it on. There was certainly room to spare. He thought it might actually be possible to wrap it around all three of them, but there was no doubting its cosy credentials.

“It's great darling. Ha. I'm not gonna get cold wearing this.”

“I thought for when you have to get up in the night you see,” explained Seb.

Mark nodded, thinking how the cold was always a nasty shock when he had to tear himself out of bed.

“Genius.”

“I know it's not exactly fashionable.”

“Nah, who wants fashionable at three am? This'll be like wearing a fluffy sleeping bag.”

 

Mark wrapped the belt around to tie it. The sleeves were rather loose but he could roll them up to protect them from nappy changes. He came and sat back down by Seb and Teddy to lean in to give Seb a kiss.

“Very thoughtful darling.”

Sebastian smiled a more relaxed smile.

“You like it then?”

“Course I do. It's awesome. I'm like a giant green teddy bear.”

Sebastian smiled even more widely and stroked a hand over the fake fur. It wasn't so thick as to be heavy, but it did feel nice. Mark moved the edge of the sleeve and brushed it over Teddy's little hand. Teddy stared up at him, so Mark tried it by his cheek as well.

“Whatcha reckon kiddo? We gonna have nice cuddle ups in this?”

“That's what I thought you see,” Seb explained. “Like if you have to being him down.”

“Or sat in the rocking chair,” Mark agreed. “Who needs a blanket, eh?”

“So you like it then?”

“Absolutely darling.”

“I know it's probably kindof silly.”

“Nah it's not. It's great. Thank you.”

Sebastian sighed out a happy breath.

“I just thought it would be nice to think of you at least being cosy and warm in the night when I'm away.”

“That is a nice thought,” Mark agreed.

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“Maybe it's selfish?”

Mark looked at him.

“What?”

“Well, I guess I bought it so I'd have a nice thing to think of, so I'd feel better about you being on your own.”

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“No sweetheart. Believe me, giving me something nice and feeling good about it is definitely not selfish. Alright?”

“Alright. Thank you Liebling.”

 

Mark smiled and slipped his arm around Seb who shifted the baby so they could snuggle in.

“See. This is lovely,” he insisted.

“Yeah tis nice.”

“Mm.”

“Maybe I'll get one for me too?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I'll get one for you.”

“Okay. Maybe in a smaller size.”

Mark chuckled even more.

“Just a bit. Yeah I'll do that. Very practical sweetheart.”

“Mm well the other one isn't practical at all. It really is just silly.”

“Ah yes. I have another present. You're spoiling me.”

 

Mark sat away and ditched the empty box and wrappings under the coffee table so he could look in the other one.

“It's just a silly little thing,” Seb rushed.

Mark stopped and looked to him.

“Sweetheart if it is a gift from you then I already love it.”

Seb smiled and raised an eyebrow.

“You've not seen what it is yet.”

“Good point.”

Mark shifted forwards and opened the second box, pulling out a stuffed toy penguin.

“Haha. Ah look at this Teddy!”

“It's for you,” insisted Seb.

“Sure.”

“I know it is silly to give you a toy, but it's like in the story.”

“I thought you were the penguin?”

“No the other story, you know the ones in the zoo with the baby chick. The book we found for Teddy.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Ah I see.”

“Is it silly?”

“Nope. It's adorable.”

Mark looked at the toy a little closer, then laughed.

“Oh it's even got an egg.”

Seb sat up a little, freeing one arm from holding Teddy so he could reach towards to the felt egg attached to the flippers, partially tucked up under the penguin's body.

“Yeah, see it's velco'd on.”

Sebastian detached it and held it for Mark to see. The felt egg had a zigzag opening down its middle, half-way around, but Seb couldn't open it with one hand so he passed it over.

“You need to look what's inside,” he prompted.

Mark did as he was told and peeled back the felt, smiling as a tiny fluffy chick popped out.

“Ah, it's a penguin chick!” grinned Mark. “Hey look Teddy, it's you.”

“And you're Daddy penguin,” asserted Seb.

“Of course I am.”

 

Mark chuckled and shook his head. Seb was just too cute for words sometimes.

“Pauline does call him chick sometimes,” noted Sebastian.

“She does indeed. Very appropriate.”

“I know it's...”

Mark raised a finger and put it over Seb's lips.

“Ahah. No,” he stopped. “No more saying it's silly. It's very sweet of you and I appreciate it.”

“Okay.”

Mark took in a deep breath.

“Good. See, now I have nice things to remember you by while you're away.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You wouldn't remember anyway?” he teased.

Mark leaned in over Teddy and rubbed his nose into Seb's, then gave him a kiss.

“Daft thing.” He sat away. “I'm very grateful, but you're not to go thinking you have to go spoiling me, or making up for anything if you're away.”

“Okay.”

“Yes?”

“Yeah okay. Just this first time.”

Mark nodded.

“Right you are then sweetheart.” He looked at the penguin again. “I'll have to get one of these for you as well. We need another one to be Papa penguin to make up the family.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I guess we do,” he agreed. “Though then we'll have two chicks.”

“I think one chick is enough to keep me occupied for now.”

“Mm.”

 

Mark showed the penguin to Teddy, then held the chick and the daddy penguin on his knee looking at them. He'd have to find a slightly smaller version to be papa, then it would be perfect. Mark huffed a little laugh and gave Seb a wink.

“Just do me one favour sweetheart.”

“Oh?”

“When you go off on your trip for work, don't bring us home any fish.”

Sebastian laughed and looked to Teddy.

“Daddy thinks he's funny Schatz.”

“Daddy _is_ funny.”

Mark leaned into Seb and they smiled at their son, both thinking that maybe they could buy a teeny version of the fluffy dressing gown for him too. Silliness be damned, they'd probably never want to take them off.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


Once Saturday morning dawned Seb could no longer push away the knowledge that soon he would be heading off and leaving home and his family behind. Through the week they had done a little practising using their phones to Facetime, calling first Fabian to try to get the hang of it, then repeating the call, this time including Seb's parents. Heike was thrilled to be able to see her grandson and they knew that they would probably never get away with ordinary phone-calls to her again now.

Mark had spoken to his sister, and working on the basis that teenagers were usually the best resource for mastering technology, she got her daughters to train her up on how to use it and they ended up having a whole family-to-family conversation from one side of the globe to the other, all trying to squeeze into the shot while Teddy's cousins waved excitedly to their new little relative. Jemma and Abbey promised that they would teach their grandparents to do it as well, though Mark wasn't sure whether his parents' phones were new enough to be able to, his nieces assured him they could use theirs.

  
  


“We could always buy her a new phone for her birthday,” suggested Seb as they sat in the lounge on Saturday.

Mark nodded.

“Good idea sweetheart. We'll have to check. Right, well in the meantime shall we just have a go at calling each other?”

Sebastian laughed.

“What while we're sitting next to each other?”

“Well no, I thought we could, I dunno, one of us go upstairs or something. Is it a daft idea?”

“No no, it's good.” Seb looked at Teddy in his arms. “Okay Liebling, I'll go up and see if he'll go in his crib while we try it.

 

A couple of minutes later Mark's phone lit up with a call and he fumbled to press the right buttons to get Facetiming to work before Seb appeared, waving at the screen.

“Hello Liebling!”

Mark laughed.

“Hello darling. How's the weather with you?”

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head.

“Remarkably like yours I suspect.”

“Mm.” Mark frowned at the background to the shot. “Are you lying on the bed?”

“Yes. Someone didn't want to go in his crib.”

Sebastian lifted the phone a little higher and Mark smiled as he saw that Seb was lying sideways across their bed with Teddy alongside him, placed right in the centre next to his papa.

“Hello Teddy,” waved Mark.

Seb turned to look at the baby.

“Can you see Daddy Liebling?”

Teddy seemed to be looking at the phone, though whether he was really processing the strange image of his father remotely waving to him or was merely attracted to the light from the screen, there was no way of knowing, though he did move an arm in that direction so he certainly saw something. Seb smiled at him as Teddy wiggled about, thinking how cute he looked when he did that, his mind drifting to thoughts of how much he was going to miss those little legs in their little babygros, his little arms, little body, little face, little nose.

“Seb?”

“Hm?” Sebastian looked back to his phone which he had allowed to drift just as his mind had. “Oh sorry Liebling. Okay. Do you want to practise ringing me instead?”

“Yep. Okay hanging up then.”

Mark ended the call and they reversed the procedure so they both had another chance to be sure they knew how to work both functions. Mark turned the camera round so the dogs could say hello and they definitely recognised Seb, jumping up to bark at the little screen, Mark having to pet them and assure them it was just Seb like when they saw him on television at races.

“Are they alright?” Seb checked.

“Yeah yeah, daft things. Calm down boys,” Mark instructed. “Right, that do us you reckon?”

“Yep. Thanks, be down in a mo.”

Sebastian hung up and fitted his phone on his pocket as he sat up. He turned and looked down at the baby, reaching to stroke his cheek.

“I'm going to miss you so much Liebling, but I'll be home as soon as I can. Be good for Daddy, won't you?”

He sighed as he leaned over him, gazing into Teddy's eyes, wondering how he was going to cope being parted from his son. Seb knew he couldn't afford to mope in the daytime when he was working, but the nights...

Teddy murmured and started moving his mouth around before making slightly louder noises.

“Is it lunchtime Schatz?” asked Seb scooping him up before he started crying. “Come on then, let's find Daddy and get your bottle.”

  
  


  
  


In the afternoon Sebastian forced himself to leave Mark downstairs with the baby while he went up to pack for testing. He didn't want to put it off until tomorrow despite the fact he wasn't departing until the afternoon. Sunday was going to be tough enough without adding any more stress rushing around in the few hours Seb had left at home. Sebastian planned to make Mark breakfast in bed as a little treat, hoping that Teddy would go along with that plan. Then they could walk the dogs and have a relaxed lunch before he had to deal with his final preparations to go.

He sat on the floor of their bedroom, carefully packing items into his case, double-checking everything to be certain he had what he needed, making sure items were neatly folded, or tucked in around the side. Sebastian looked over at the crib now on Mark's side of the bed, his mind slipping away from practical matters to thinking again how strange it would be to sleep alone in a hotel bed. Seb thought he'd done pretty well through the past week to adapting to concentrating on work during the day. That hadn't been so bad, though he still hadn't want to be parted from his family. Seb thought if only he could come home each night from testing next week then that would be okay. Unfortunately they were testing the new cars in Barcelona, not at Silverstone.

“How's it going?”

Sebastian swung his head around to see Mark stood in the doorway holding Teddy.

“Oh, fine. Nearly done.”

Mark nodded. As usual Seb's case looked as neat and organised as he was.

“I wondered if you wanted some things from me to take?” Mark offered.

Sebastian smiled and pushed himself up to stand, going to meet Mark as he walked into the room. He leaned in and gave him a kiss.

“Yes please Liebling.”

“Couple of hoodies for the evenings?”

Seb nodded.

“Can I have this one?”

Mark looked down at the hoody he was wearing.

“Sure. Tell you what, why don't you take it now before this little one decides to gak milk up on it or worse.”

Sebastian laughed, then took the baby so Mark could remove his top and find a new one to put on to replace it.

“Liebling.”

“Mm.”

Mark straightened his fresh hoody and looked to Seb.

“Could I maybe have your t-shirt too? For sleeping in?” Seb requested.

Mark smiled.

“Darling you know I'm happy to literally give you the shirt off my back.”

“You don't have to do it right now.”

“Okay, well remind me tonight and if this hoody has survived the day you can have this one too. How's that?”

Sebastian smiled to Mark, then the baby in his arms.

“See how lovely your daddy is Schatz.”

Mark shrugged.

“Only a couple of tops.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It means everything when I'm away.”

Mark sighed and stepped in to put his arm around him.

“I know sweetheart.”

“I'm going to miss you so much.”

Mark nodded.

“Me too. Just two nights darling. We'll get through it and then you'll be home. Over in a flash. Okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath and Mark looked to him.

“Are you pretty much done packing?”

Seb nodded.

“Just your things to add and um... I'll want to double check my flight-bag and stuff in the morning.”

“Right. Well then why don't you leave this for now and we'll have a little cuddle-up on the sofa?”

“That sounds nice,” agreed Seb. “Could you just shove them in the corner so we don't fall over them?”

“Sure.”

Mark pushed the open case over to the side out of the way, then added the smaller flight-bag. Seb stood, mentally checking through any extras he needed to add tomorrow; Mark's loaned clothing, items from the bathroom, laptop, phone, wallet, double-double-check those and his passport, just in case.

 

“Okay?”

Mark was back by him. Seb nodded and they went downstairs to do as Mark had suggested. It felt so nice to just sit on the sofa together, Seb holding Teddy, Mark's arm around him. The dogs lay piled in an equally contented heap in front of them and the baby seemed to pick up the vibe, only stirring to request his early afternoon bottle and silencing again as soon as he received it.

Shortly afterwards Teddy fell properly asleep and Sebastian lifted his head from where he had rested it on Mark's shoulder to look at him.

“Do you think we should go up and put him down for a bit?” he proposed.

Mark smiled.

“Sounds like an excellent idea darling.”

Seb smiled back at him and for a moment they simply looked into each other's eyes, both thinking how much they appreciated being together and how they hated the prospect of being apart. Sebastian let out a sigh.

“I don't want to go Liebling,” he confessed.

Mark sighed as well.

“You'll be alright.”

“I can't sleep without you there.”

Mark gave him a half-smile and turned more to Seb so he could stroke his cheek.

“I don't suppose I'll be sleeping so much anyway.”

Sebastian glanced down at their son and nodded. Nearly two months now he had filled their lives, broken sleep and dirty nappies, crying and endless demands for attention, bottles of milk which he promptly emptied back onto them and that perfect, wonderful feeling of that little warm body pressed in, happiest to be held close, day or night.

“You'll be back before you know it,” reassured Mark softly.

Seb looked up and nodded.

“Yeah.”

Mark stroked over Seb's cheek once more.

“You'll be alright.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark nodded back before leaning in to kiss him, taking care not to press in where Seb held the baby. As Mark pulled away their eyes stayed locked on one another's.

“I love you,” reminded Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“Love you too sweetheart.”

He gave Seb another kiss, then sat up.

“C'mon, let's put him down and we can have a nice snuggle in bed.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and nodded.

  
  


They went back upstairs, placing a sleeping Teddy into his crib and sitting on the bed together, looking over at him. Mark put his arms around Seb and Seb fitted his around Mark's middle in turn as they went back to looking at each other. Sebastian angled his chin up a little as he stretched to kiss him, more slowly this time, more deeply, both forgetting for just a moment that their son lay asleep just two feet away. As they pulled apart to take in air they stayed close.

“You know it's three months since we've had to spend a night apart,” noted Seb.

“Not _just_ yet, still got tonight,” argued Mark.

Sebastian smiled.

“True.”

Mark trailed a hand down Seb's arm.

“You don't want us to change our plans and come with you after all?” he checked.

Sebastian shook his head. In many ways of course he did, but Seb knew that would be selfish. It wasn't what Teddy needed right now. It wasn't really what any of them needed. He had to be strong and do what needed doing on his own. Seb knew he wasn't the priority and that was just as it should be.

“No Liebling it's fine. I'm just having a wobble.”

Mark huffed a helpless little laugh at the word.

“A wobble?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do. It's alright. I'll hold you up.”

Seb smiled.

“Thank you Liebling. You always do.”

Mark tightened his hold a little and Seb smiled more widely before leaning in to kiss him again.

“I'll be alright,” Seb assured. “I'll just get my head down and work.”

“Sure. No one's better at that than you.”

Seb huffed a laugh thinking he was sure that wasn't entirely accurate, but it was nice to hear.

“Just a couple of days getting stuck in with the team and then you'll be back,” Mark asserted.

“I'll call whenever I can.”

“Don't worry about that. Just when you want.”

“Which will be all the time.”

Mark chuckled and nodded.

“Alright then. Whenever you can. You know I'm here. Unless I'm mid-nappy change or something, then I'll call you back.”

“Course.”

Mark gave a little nod to seal the agreement, then rested his forehead down into Seb's, their noses aligned as they let themselves soak up the comforting feeling for a while before moving to kiss slowly again.

 

“At least I'll have this to take with me,” noted Seb.

“Hm?”

“This. I can close my eyes and be here with you.”

Sebastian placed his head on Mark's shoulder, facing inwards to breathe in the scent of him at the neck. Mark said nothing until Seb sat up again. He tweaked an eyebrow as he looked at him.

“You know how we said we weren't going to become one of those couples who have a kid and never have sex again?”

“ _Liebling_.”

Sebastian shook his head at Mark, but he couldn't help smiling too.

“Don't you miss it?” pressed Mark.

They looked at one another for a moment, neither really sure if they were teasing or being serious.

“Of course I do,” Seb assured him.

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“I was just thinking, well, last night and that.”

Sebastian sighed and stroked his hand down Mark's arm.

“It is a nice idea. I just...” He glanced over at Teddy lying fast asleep in his crib and shook his head. “He's still too tiny to spend the night in the nursery all alone. I'd be worrying.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay. Yeah you're right. Sorry. I guess I got distracted.”

“Distracted?”

“By you. I will miss you too you know darling.”

Sebastian sighed out a long breath and Mark gave a shake of his head.

“It's fine. I think I was mostly joking. Well, not entirely, but I don't think I'd sleep without him here either.”

“I do miss it too,” Seb agreed, “sex I mean. Not just... I mean being so close, being together properly. I do miss it. It does feel like a long time.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“That's cos it is sweetheart.”

He stroked over Seb's cheek as he looked into his eyes then leaned in to kiss him again. This time they got a little swept up in it and by the time they pulled apart, their chests were working rather harder to pull in air. Mark smiled. Damn, two months did feel a long time, but that was just the price they paid.

“C'mon, let's get into bed. Just have a nice snuggle,” he prompted, already reminding himself not to let themselves get too carried away. “We can have a nice nap like Teddy is.”

Seb looked back at their son. He had started to take slightly longer naps in the early afternoons for some reason. Belly full of milk and tired from their busier mornings Seb supposed.

“Seb?”

He turned back to Mark.

“I'm not that tired.”

Mark frowned for a second, about to say that he _was_ seeing as he had been the one up and down all night.

“I was just thinking...” continued Seb. “I mean he's happy now, fast asleep. Do you think we could put him in the nursery just for a bit?”

Mark sat up a little. He hadn't really expected Seb to go with his idea. He'd really only been griping slightly to get it out of his system, but now he saw a look in Seb's eyes that Mark hadn't seen in quite some time; a hunger that told him Seb really did miss them being together too. Suddenly Mark didn't feel tired at all. There were things that were far better than sleep for restoring you.

“Yeah I reckon he wouldn't even notice,” he agreed.

 

They both smiled, hoping that transferring their son didn't upset things. Mark stood and lifted the crib complete with baby, moving as steadily as he could so as not to disturb him. Seb picked up the stand and they went down to the nursery, trying not to make a sound as they repositioned Teddy there. The baby stirred slightly as Mark placed the crib back in its stand by the cot and they both stood watching him to see if he would wake, but Teddy merely shifted before settling again. Seb looked at the little thermometer on the side like the ones they had in their own room nowadays as well as downstairs to be sure Teddy was warm enough, then switched on the monitor.

“He'll be alright for twenty minutes or so won't he Liebling?” whispered Seb.

Mark smiled and leaned in to whisper back.

“Twenty minutes? I admire your optimism sweetheart but it's been two months. I don't think I can make that sort of promise.”

Sebastian laughed as quietly as he could while Mark grabbed up the link baby-monitor, then took Seb's hand.

“C'mon, while the going's good.”

With a last look to be certain that the baby really was safely fast asleep they left the room, Seb hesitating before shutting the door, then deciding it was best. As they re-entered their bedroom Mark put the monitor on the bedside table and the pair of them sat back where they had been on the bed.

“He won't hear us will he?” worried Seb.

“Darling a, he's fast asleep, and b, he's two rooms away with the doors shut.”

“Okay.”

“I mean if you want to go back in there while I jump on the bed to test it?”

Sebastian gave Mark a lop-sided smile then pushed at his arm.

“Idiot.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Now, before he wakes up for any other reason, come here.”

Mark leaned in to kiss him, at the same time working to pull off Seb's t-shirt and hoody in one fell swoop. They had no time to lose.

  
  


  
  


As Mark had predicted, they really didn't take too long. Apart from working out a latent frustration from two months of celibacy, neither of them could quite shake the knowledge that any moment they might be interrupted by the monitor bursting into life as their son demanded to know why he had been abandoned. Even if things were a little rushed though it did feel good, important, to re-connect, in the most literal manner.

Sebastian sat straddled in Mark's lap, the pair of them now leaned back a little into the pillows behind Mark as they tried to regain their breath. Seb's cheek pressed in just below Mark's shoulder, his arms wrapped around Mark's neck, clinging on. He had his eyes closed and he felt light-headed, his heart pounding and his chest still heaving. It felt good to feel Mark's chest against his own, moving in time, one, as they ought to be. Seb kept his eyes shut and focussed just on that, only slowly appreciating the way Mark's hands were stroking over his back.

“You okay?” Mark whispered into his ear.

“Mmm.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and angled his head to put his cheek by Seb's forehead. God he had missed this more then he even realised. The release flowing through him that he hadn't appreciated had been so pent-up inside. The way Seb hung on so tight, as if his life depended on it, depended on him. The feeling of his heart beating through those bird-cage ribs. Seb never felt more delicate than in these moments, never more in need of Mark taking care of him.

“Oh god,” Mark sighed.

Sebastian opened one eye and looked at him, making Mark smile.

“Hey,” greeted Mark.

“Hello Liebling.”

Mark chuckled and gave him a squeeze, then dipped down to kiss him.

“Missed you sweetheart.”

Sebastian lifted his head to look at him properly. He knew what Mark meant.

“Missed you too.”

He pressed a happy kiss to Mark's lips, then another before Mark captured him to kiss Seb properly now they had their breath back. As Seb lifted away with a sigh he looked to the monitor on the side.

“Can you hear anything?” he checked.

Mark let go one hand from holding onto him and reached for the monitor, picking it up to hold it close enough for them to both listen in. It was already turned up on full volume so they could hear the steady mouth-breathing their son specialised in when asleep. Every now and again there was a pause before he breathed more heavily again and Mark shook his head as Teddy did that now.

“God he gets me every time when he does that,” he admitted.

Seb smiled.

“Me too.”

“He's fine.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian let out a relieved sigh as Mark put the monitor back down.

“Reckon we can steal another five minutes yet,” he judged.

Seb nodded and they moved to settle down into bed, re-wrapping themselves up together under the duvet.

“Just five minutes,” sighed Seb as he pressed back into Mark.

“Yeah, five minutes,” Mark agreed.

He smoothed his hand slowly over Seb's side, trailing his fingers over his skin. Mark had felt tired earlier but now his brain felt clearer and more alert than in an age. Sebastian by contrast could feel himself shutting down. He closed his eyes once more, soaking in the feeling of Mark's warm body against him, his gentle hands caressing him. It felt so good, so nice, so comfortable. Seb drifted away.

  
  


 

Sebastian jerked his head up, blinking awake.

“Hey,” greeted Mark.

“Did I miss something?”

“Miss something?”

They were both sat up in bed now. Seb looking to the monitor.

“Teddy. Was there? I mean...” Seb give his head a little shake to stir himself. “Did he make a noise?”

“He's fine.”

They both paused to focus on the sound of breathing from the monitor.

“I thought...” Sebastian frowned, wondering why he felt jolted if it hadn't been Teddy calling for them. “Did I fall asleep?”

“Just for a bit. It's fine. Really darling. I've been listening out.”

“Okay.”

“You wanna go check on him?”

“Yeah.”

“Righto.”

 

The climbed out of bed and found their dressing-gowns to pull on before going along to the nursery, cautiously opening the door to make as little noise as possible only to see that Teddy was miraculously still fast asleep.

“Wow,” smiled Mark. “We should do this more often.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and Mark scrunched his nose up to tease him. They stepped inside the room to go and stand watching over the cot, but their son showed no sign of stirring. Seb wasn't really sure how long he had been asleep, half an hour, an hour? Not entirely unusual really. He only worried because Teddy hadn't been with them.

“Shall we go grab a shower?” proposed Mark.

“Both of us?”

“Might be nice.”

Sebastian smiled. They could take turns as they tended to these days, but Teddy really did seem quite content.

“If we take the monitor in the bathroom?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

  
  


They only managed a quick shower before a louder sound did come from the monitor left by the sink, rising to a cry within moments. Seb still had shampoo in his hair and they were both covered in suds, so they hurriedly rinsed off and jumped out, grabbing towels for a quick dry before rushing through. Sebastian picked Teddy up to hold him into his chest, Mark wiping away their son's tears.

“Hey now mate, it's alright. We were only in the shower.”

Teddy snuffled into Seb, still crying as Mark rubbed over his arm to console him.

“We're here now Schatz, everything's okay.”

“Nappy?” prompted Mark.

“Mm, maybe.”

Seb laid Teddy down on the changing table and they checked, finding that was indeed what had been the issue. Once he had a fresh nappy and was re-dressed, Teddy calmed down, though he still breathed a little heavily as he lay into Sebastian.

“Papa and Daddy are here Kleiner,” reassured Seb. “We were only in the other room.”

“He's alright.” Mark looked in and touched Teddy's little nose. “Happy now aren't you kiddo?”

Sebastian nodded. This was no different to normal really. He walked over to the toy shelves fixed to the wall and held the baby so he could look at them before Mark passed him the dinosaur to snuffle into.

“We should probably get dressed,” Mark commented.

“Hm? Oh yeah. You go first Liebling.”

 

Mark nodded and went to the bedroom to find a nice comfy outfit of trackies and fresh t-shirt and hoody to change into before returning to the nursery to swap so Seb could do the same. Mark stood with the baby looking out of the window, trying to see if he could spot any signs of spring out in the garden yet.

“Could do with a bit of warmer weather couldn't we sweetheart?”

Teddy murmured something as he lay in Mark's arms and Mark smiled at him.

“Whatcha trying to say? Hm? Think you'll like the sunshine when we go see my folks? Bet you will. You've not had a lot of it here so far, but the garden's nice in summer. We'll sit out there and have a play, maybe get you a paddling pool. Would you like that sweetheart? Have a nice splash with Daddy and Papa?”

Mark smiled some more, thinking how they would enjoy that. No doubt Shadow and Simba would want to get in the water with their son and create chaos. Teddy murmured again so Mark turned away from the still wintery garden and took a seat in the rocking chair, moving slowly back and forth as he looked down at the baby lying in his arms. Teddy murmured louder and wriggled slightly. Mark frowned. They'd only just changed his nappy so it surely couldn't be that. He looked up as Seb came in.

“Think he might want a feed,” Mark guessed.

Seb came over to look, then nodded.

“I'll go.”

“Thanks.”

Mark continued to rock the chair, speaking softly to his son to tell him that his milk was coming and he didn't need to get upset, just staving off a return of tears before Seb came back up as promised. Mark placed the teat into that ravenous little mouth and Teddy sucked away, happy again now he had his warm milk.

“There now, see. Nice isn't it buddy?” smiled Mark.

Sebastian stood watching and Mark looked up to him.

“Okay?”

Seb nodded. Mark looked to see Teddy feeding contentedly, then back at Seb.

“Wanna join us?”

“Hm?”

“Come and sit with us,” encouraged Mark.

Sebastian opened his mouth, but Mark just gave him a smile.

“Sturdy chair this, none of your flat-pack rubbish.”

Seb huffed a laugh and stepped in closer.

“How do we do it then?”

“Take this a sec.”

Mark passed Seb the bottle and Teddy scowled at having his supply cut off.

“Just one second buddy,” assured Mark.

He quickly shifted Teddy to hold him in his left arm, a little to the side, leaving room for Seb to come and perch on his knee. Mark put his right arm around Seb and held Teddy back in, Seb putting his left arm underneath the baby so they were both holding him before offering back the bottle with his other hand. Teddy clamped onto the teat immediately, making his parents smile.

“You are hungry aren't you mate?”

“He had a long sleep.”

“So he did. Thank you for that Teddy.”

 

Mark gave Seb a wink and Sebastian smiled back before leaning more into him now he was sure they had a safe hold of their son. He rested the side of his head into Mark's and the three of them sat in quiet contentment. Only when Teddy finished the bottle did they shift, Seb finding a way to put the bottle on the floor as Mark lifted Teddy to wind him. Seb sat up out of the way to allow Mark to have two hands free, helping to wipe away a dribble or two with the muslin he had had the foresight to bring up with him. Once done, they rearranged themselves back as they had been before.

It felt so nice to be all wrapped up in each other, Teddy happy in his parents' arms. Seb reached his right hand around to stroke over the baby's arm and smiled down at him, Teddy seeming to look right back. Seb knew it would be torture to be parted from his son, but he simply had to man up and get on with it. Mark took the real burden, just as he took all their weight right now, never complaining. Sebastian turned his head and kissed Mark, not needing to say anything to tell him how happy he was in that moment. Mark smiled and teased him by rubbing his nose into Seb's before sneaking another kiss back.

Sebastian let out a happy sigh and rested his cheek into Mark's. He didn't want to think about leaving tomorrow or how it would be to be away. He just wanted to be in this perfect moment, basking in a nice little afterglow with all three of them cuddled up together. Seb moved his head a fraction to rub his cheek into Mark's, making Mark smile. Mark didn't care that he bore the weight of his whole family right now. It was a nice weight and neither husband and certainly not son were all that heavy to Mark's mind. He cast his eyes down to Teddy and saw those bright blue eyes looking back up at them. Mark wondered what their son was thinking, if he was happy because his parents were, or if it was just the belly full of milk. He smiled and Teddy seemed to smile back. Their perfect little boy. Mark thought how he sometimes joked about their son choosing to sleep in the day rather than at night, but if he was going to offer them afternoon naps like this one Mark didn't think he'd ever complain again.

 

 

 

* * *


	208. Far From Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins...

* * *

 

 

 

Sunday morning seemed to fly by. Before they knew it they were clearing up after lunch and Seb had to go make his final checks to his packing before the car arrived to take him to the airport. As he put his bags in the hall by the door Sebastian began to wish he had arranged to set off later, but then he didn't want to arrive too late in Barcelona, particularly seeing as he wanted to fit in a quick catch-up with Britta and Christian so he felt ready for the following day. No, he just had to get on with it. Seb re-checked things once again and then nodded to himself as he confirmed he had everything he needed. He huffed out a long breath, then looked at his watch to see he had just half an hour left and went back through to join Mark with Teddy and the dogs in the lounge to make the most of a last cuddle-up on the sofa.

All too soon though time was up and Sebastian was piling his things into the boot of the waiting car before coming back to where Mark stood just inside the front door holding Teddy, Shadow and Simba at his feet. Mark managed a one-armed hug and gave Seb a kiss, all the while trying to check in Seb's eyes to see if he was okay.

“So I'll call you when I get to the hotel,” reminded Sebastian.

“Sure. Whenever's good darling.”

“Okay.” Seb took a deep breath and looked in at Teddy in Mark's arms. “Bye Schatz, be good for Daddy.”

“We'll be fine.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian gave Mark a smile and nodded, then dipped to kiss Teddy's cheek before carefully hugging around both of them, knowing he was procrastinating. He glanced back to the car then gave the dogs a quick rub.

“You be good too boys,” Seb instructed.

“They will.”

“Mm. Okay, well, I'll speak to you later then?”

“Yep. We can try out Facetiming can't we?”

“Oh yeah.”

“So we'll see you,” Mark reminded him.

Sebastian nodded. That was something of a comfort but it was still agonizing to force himself to leave. Mark looked at him wondering if he should ask if Seb was okay, or if that would only make things worse.

“All set then?” he prompted as neutrally as possible.

“Yep.”

“Love you darling.”

“Love you too, and you Teddy.”

“Back before you know it.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave Seb an encouraging smile, then kissed him goodbye. Sebastian forced a smile for his son and stroked over his head before tearing himself away. He stepped off onto the driveway and the dogs barked. Mark hushed them as they poked their noses out by his legs. Seb was sure that they were asking why he was going. Maybe he was projecting though? He gave his family a little wave, smiling as Mark made Teddy wave before Seb turned and determinedly put one foot in front of the other to walk to the car. It was just two days. Just two nights. He was being silly about this.

He opened the car door and turned around to wave properly.

“Bye!”

“Bye darling,” called Mark.

The dogs barked again and Seb waved once more before climbing into the car. As it manoeuvred off the drive Sebastian put the window down and continued to wave until he couldn't see them anymore. He wasn't going to cry. He was being ridiculous. Two days. Two nights. No big deal. He'd be fine. Back in no time. Back in no time...

 

As the car disappeared Mark lowered his waving arm and took a deep breath. He smiled to Teddy and leaned in to kiss his forehead, then instructed the dogs to move back so he could shut the door.

“Right then. Just us kiddo. Just for a couple of days. No wobbly lips darling, okay? We'll be fine. It's poor Papa who'll struggle.”

He sighed and glanced towards the shut front door, but Seb was gone. Nothing more he could say to encourage him now. Mark indicated towards the lounge with his head to the dogs and they scampered back in there as he followed with the baby.

“I think we'll just have a little sit for a while shall we matey? Let's see what's on the telly.”

Mark sat down on the sofa and reached for the remote control to flick it on, smiling as he found the rugby was just about to start.

“Six Nations, excellent.” Mark looked down to Teddy, then shifted the cushion under his elbow so the baby could see the screen if he chose. “Right then mate let me explain how this all works. Don't ask Papa, he doesn't get it, but I reckon you will. You basically start with a big muddy group hug and a funny shaped ball...”

 

 

 

Sebastian settled himself in on the plane, chatting to the staff and catching up on their news seeing as it had been months since they had last met. He put his flight-bag on the seat Mark usually occupied and accepted the offered bottle of water before having a quick check with the steward to see if they were going to have all the things they needed to travel with Teddy in less than a month's time.

“We received your emails, so it will all be in hand sir,” assured the steward.

Seb wanted to tell him not to call him sir, but it felt rude so he nodded and thanked him as he was advised to take his seat and buckle up.

“He may well be pretty noisy,” Sebastian apologised in advance.

“Don't worry about it. I'm sure we'll be fine.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay well I'll just check,” continued the steward, “but we should be about ready for take-off. Do you need anything?”

“I'm good, thanks.”

The man disappeared behind his curtain into the galley and Seb was left alone. Discussing arrangements for the baby had naturally filled his mind with thoughts of Teddy and Mark left behind. At least when they went to Melbourne they'd all be together, even if Teddy did kick up a storm over travelling. He'd rather that and them be together. Seb felt even more alone in the cabin now. He gazed out of the window as the announcement came from the captain telling them that departure was imminent and soon they were airborne, the steward bobbing in to tell him he could undo his seatbelt. Seb nodded and reached for his bag. No point getting maudlin and giving in to emotions. Teddy was the baby, not him. Seb knew he had to be grown-up about this. Just get on with things, keep busy. He pulled out his laptop and switched it on so he could go over all his notes from work to make sure he was fully prepared for testing. This way his brain would be far too full to leave room for anything else.

 

 

 

It was gone eight o'clock before Mark received the expected call from Sebastian. He'd texted to say he had arrived in Barcelona safely and they had exchanged a few messages back and forth, but Seb had told Mark he wanted to get sorted with the team and settled in first so he could relax when he rang and concentrate on speaking to them. Mark guessed it was also because Seb wanted something to look forward to. He didn't mind, particularly seeing as it gave him time to get dinner for himself as well as giving Teddy his feed. Mark thought he had got used to being on his own with the baby when Seb was working, but somehow it felt lonelier now. Waiting for the phone to ring wasn't quite the same as waiting to hear a car pulling up on the drive, the door opening and his Seb appearing, all smiles and hugs and kisses as if he had been gone a week when Sebastian had only been in Milton Keynes for a few hours.

The usual busy catch-up they had in the kitchen was gone and for some reason that room felt emptier than the lounge did. Mark couldn't quite work out why, but it was nicer to sit on the sofa with Teddy, dogs at his feet and the room warm and cosy. So it was there he sat when the call finally came through. Mark hitched Teddy to lie into his chest then fumbled for the phone as he sat forwards to grab it up from the coffee table, frantically trying to remember what he needed to do to receive a Facetime call. Seconds later he saw Sebastian's face appear on the little screen, Mark trying to hold the phone so the camera picked up both him and Teddy.

“Hello Lieblings!”

Mark smiled as Seb waved excitedly.

“Hello darling.”

Sebastian's face peered in towards the screen as he tried to see the baby a little better and Mark tried not to laugh as Seb's nose veered closer.

“Can you see us okay?” he checked.

“Yeah, just...” Seb moved his head to the side as if somehow that would change what he could see, so Mark watched the tiny pop-up screen in the corner that showed his end of the conversation and altered the angle slightly to get more of Teddy's face in the shot. “Oh that's better. Hi Teddy.”

Mark turned to look at the baby lying his head sideways on his shoulder.

“Papa's saying hi sweetheart, can you see him?”

Those bright blue eyes blinked and both Teddy's parents wondered what he could really take in. Mark didn't want to hold the phone too close in case the light was too much than was good for him.

“I think he can,” Mark assured Seb. “Right, you all settled in then?”

Sebastian nodded and glanced around automatically to take in his hotel bedroom.

“Yeah pretty much. Sorry it took so long, but I needed to go over stuff with Christian and Britta and I just wanted to get that done with.”

“Course. It's all good darling. We just had dinner.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Together?”

“Well kind of. We took turns. I can't say conversation was as stimulating as when you're home, but we made do, didn't we mate?”

 

Sebastian let out a sigh. Dinner in the kitchen with Mark was one of the things he always missed when he was away, but sitting at the kitchen table feeding Teddy was part of a whole new set of things he had to miss now.

“Are you alright?” Mark checked.

“Yeah, sorry. I'm fine,” Seb reassured.

“You must be tired.”

“Me?”

“Well, travelling and that.”

“Oh no Liebling I'm fine. Really. You're the one who should be tired.”

“Ah well we took a bit of a nap after you'd gone.”

“Oh did you? That's good.”

Mark gave a little nod. It hadn't been a patch on the previous afternoon's 'nap' he had shared with Seb, but he thought it best not to mention that seeing as he didn't want to give Seb anything more to pine after.

“Are you doing anything for dinner then?” enquired Mark.

“I'm just going to eat with Britta downstairs in the restaurant here.”

“Ah okay, well that's good.”

Mark was glad to hear that Seb wasn't going to be sat on his own in his room all evening.

“And then I guess I'll just have an early night,” continued Sebastian.

“Sure.”

“What about you?”

Mark laughed.

“Ah sweetheart we're really not up to much. Once this little guy looks like dropping off we'll go up.”

“Right.” Seb paused. “Is it still okay if I call later when I'm going to bed?”

“Course it is.”

“Are you sure? I don't want to wake you.”

Mark shook his head.

“Darling I'm really quite reconciled to being a yo-yo.”

“I don't want to wake Teddy with the phone ringing though.”

“I'll put it on vibrate and low volume, leave it by my ear,” Mark offered. “If I drop off it should wake me.”

“Oh okay. If you're sure. It shouldn't be late. Maybe half nine?”

“It's fine. Whenever, really.”

“Okay then.”

“So, you're all set for tomorrow?”

Sebastian nodded.

“I think I'll be busy.”

“That's good though.”

“Yeah.”

“I wish I could watch, but there's not even anywhere streaming it.”

“I know Liebling. It's okay. It'll only be boring lap after lap and that's assuming everything works perfectly. I've no doubt I'll spend at least half the day just hanging around in the garage.”

“Mm. I remember it well.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Guess you do. I'll ring when I get chance. Have you got any plans?”

“For tomorrow? Not really. Chat to Pauline, look after this young fella, take the dogs for a walk maybe depending on the weather.”

“Hm, might rain here,” concurred Seb. “They're not sure though.”

“Well let's hope it holds off,” Mark agreed. “Anyway, call whenever.”

“Righto. Are the dogs there?” Seb enquired.

“Yup.” Mark turned the phone around to show them. “Say hello boys, it's Seb.”

 

Shadow and Simba lifted their heads and Mark held the phone out a little, but it was only a small screen and he wasn't sure whether they could really make him out. He was convinced that if dogs could frown that was what they would be doing.

“Hello boys,” greeted Seb giving them a wave.

Mark turned the phone back to him.

“I'm not quite sure they get it sweetheart, but never mind.”

“Okay.”

“Have you got to go meet Britta?” Mark checked.

Seb checked the time.

“I guess. I'm not changing or anything.”

They both paused, wondering what to say. Neither really wanted to vocalise how much they missed the other for fear of making things worse. Sebastian tilted his head a little to the side, gazing at Teddy. His arms felt empty. He really wanted to hold his son, to feel him breathe against him, to soak up that nice warm little weight.

“He looks a bit sleepy,” observed Sebastian quietly.

Mark turned his head to look and nodded. Teddy's eyes were half-closed. Post-feed napping seemed imminent.

“I guess I should let you go then,” allowed Seb reluctantly.

“If you're sure?”

“Yeah it's okay. We'll speak later, right?”

“Of course. Don't worry about the time sweetheart. You can call any time you like.”

“Thank you Liebling. Will you give him a kiss from me?” Seb requested.

Mark smiled and turned to kiss Teddy's forehead.

“That's from Papa darling.”

Teddy looked and him and Mark gave him a soft smile that made Seb miss them both more than ever.

“Love you Teddy, and you Liebling.”

“Love you too sweetheart, don't we kiddo? Love to Papa.”

Sebastian was sorely tempted to kiss the phone, but he knew a cold hard screen would only remind him how far away he was from his loved ones. He took in a deep breath and tried not to sigh.

“Thanks. Well... we'll speak later then.”

“Yep. Say hi to Britta for me,” requested Mark.

“Will do. Bye for now then.”

“Bye for now darling.”

 

Sebastian smiled and gave them a last wave before hanging up. As soon as the image of his family disappeared from the phone-screen so did the smile from his face. He dropped his arm from holding the phone up and closed his eyes, pouting unhappily as he felt himself cut off from them. It hurt to be so far away and telling himself it was childish to feel it so strongly did nothing to lessen that pain. Seb took several deep breaths, trying not to give in to it. He wanted to reach to touch Teddy's soft cheek, to lean into Mark's side with his arm wrapped around him.

He let out another long sigh, then opened his eyes. Seb knew he just had to get on with it. Britta would be knocking on his door in a minute. They'd have a perfectly nice meal, no need to chat about serious things now they had gone over plans for tomorrow. Then Seb could come back and call home again. It might be torture to see his family and know he was far away, but he still wanted to see them. He'd get by.

 

 

Later that night Seb returned to his room, got ready for bed and slid under the duvet, checking he had multiple alarms set for the morning before calling home once again. It was only half eight in England, though Seb knew Mark might have gone to bed already. He'd said he would call though, so he put the phone to Facetime and called home, waiting a few moments before Mark answered.

Mark's phone had been resting by his ear on the pillow where he lay so he couldn't miss it buzzing. He sat up in bed, grabbing it and remembering how to accept a call, Mark smiled as Seb's face appeared once more.

“Hey sweetheart,” Mark answered quietly.

“Oh hey.” Sebastian read his tone. “Is Teddy asleep?”

“Yep.”

Mark held the phone over to show Teddy lying in his crib. He'd moved it so it was closer to the side of the bed so he could keep an eye on him and so Mark could easily lift the baby out if he needed to in the night. If he was honest it might be a bit so he didn't feel so alone as well. Mark had been lying on his side, watching Teddy's little chest rise and fall, hearing him breathing, reassuring and constant.

As Sebastian saw their son sleeping he let out a sigh, missing him more than ever. Teddy looked so peaceful, so beautiful like this.

“He took a while to go down,” Mark related, “but he's off now.”

“Right.”

Mark turned the phone back to show himself.

“How was dinner?” he enquired.

“Oh fine. You know.”

“Sure.”

“What was up with Teddy?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Nothing really. He just didn't want to be put down. I sat with him here, well, in bed. You know he likes it sometimes when you kindof lie with the duvet pulled up a bit.”

“Yeah.”

Seb nodded. He liked that himself; either him or Mark holding Teddy, the pair of them cuddled together half-propped up on the pillows and their son cosied in. He accidentally let out another sigh, thinking how he wished he could magic himself home, just to sleep and then be back here to work in the morning. Seb had always wished that when he and Mark had to be parted for races, but it was so much worse now.

“He's fine really,” reassured Mark wondering if Seb was worrying.

“Of course. I didn't wake you up did I Liebling?”

“No no. I was just having a lie down. I reckon he'll be up again before too long wanting another feed.”

“Will you be alright?”

“Hm?” frowned Mark.

“Managing on your own?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Well I've been doing night stuff on my own for the past week sweetheart.”

“Right.” Seb couldn't help feeling hurt by that comment. “I am there though, if you needed me.”

Mark shook his head.

“I didn't mean that. Of course you are. I just meant I'm used to getting up.”

“I do want to help.”

“Seb.” Mark sighed. “Darling I know. I'm not having a dig. It's just how things are. How they have to be.”

“I don't like leaving it all on you.”

“You're not. Sweetheart we've talked about this. You do plenty. You don't need to justify anything or feel guilty. I know you'd like to do more.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark puffed a breath. For Seb it was never going to be enough. Mark knew he would have to stand firm though or Sebastian would end up exhausting himself.

“I do already miss having you to come back to,” Mark offered.

“In bed?”

“Yeah.”

“Me too.”

Mark huffed another laugh.

“I just mean to snuggle up warm with, though obviously the other's very nice too.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking of what was only the day before, though it already felt an age ago.

“Yes, very nice,” he concurred.

“Indeed. Well perhaps we might be able to fit in the odd afternoon nap when you come back?”

“Mm.”

“Assuming this little one agrees.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you tired?” enquired Mark, reading Seb's short answers.

“Oh Mark, you shouldn't be asking me.”

“Why not?”

“Cos you're the one up all night.”

“Tsk, sweetheart you've trekked across Europe and gone straight into work stuff and that's after a broken night's sleep even if you weren't getting up.”

Sebastian scrunched his face.

“I spose,” he relented.

“You're allowed to feel tired darling. It's not a competition.”

“No okay.”

“Hopefully you'll get a good night tonight,” Mark suggested.

“Yeah I guess.”

“You guess?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder, suddenly feeling unaccountably more upset at the thought of spending the night apart from Mark and Teddy. He wanted to tell Mark that he didn't care about being woken up through the night as long as Mark came back to bed with him. He wanted to tell him that though he felt guilt at Mark dragging himself out from under the duvet, Seb was going to miss him bringing Teddy in so they could feed him together, even if it was three am.

“Sweetheart?”

Seb pouted. Mark had always been pretty good at reading his mood over the phone, but it was even more evident now he could see his face too. He had been trying to hold off, but Seb cracked.

“I miss you. That's all.”

Mark sighed.

“I miss you too darling.”

“I know. Sorry.”

“You don't have to be sorry.”

They both paused for a moment, wondering what to say. Then Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“I know I'm just being silly.”

“Ach darling you're not. It's natural.”

“I guess.”

“I'd feel the same.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course,” assured Mark.

 

He glanced reflectively over towards the crib thinking how he hadn't had to leave their son once in all the time he had been with them, not any further than another room in the house at any rate. While Seb had had to haul himself off to work and now that work took him more than seven hundred miles away. He knew Seb didn't want to leave them, but Mark wasn't sure saying that helped.

“Just one night more after this, alright?” he reminded Sebastian.

“Yeah. I know. I'll be fine.”

“What about tomorrow? Are you looking forward to trying out the car?” Mark tried.

“Sure. Yeah I am.”

“Good. I'm sure it'll go well.”

“Thanks.” Seb paused again, reminding himself that he would surely be fine once he got busy testing. “It'll be good to get stuck in.”

“Course it will. I can't watch, but I'll keep an eye on updates online.”

“Hopefully I can ring in the morning but it's going to be a really early start.”

“That's okay. I'm bound to be up.”

“I guess.”

“Okay, and lunchtime and, well I guess it depends how it's going.”

“Sweetheart whenever's fine. Don't worry about us. You can just drop us a text if you're busy and we'll catch up later.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Right, well you should probably get that early night then darling, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You'll be alright.”

Seb nodded.

“I guess I am a bit tired,” he admitted.

“Of course you are. You sleep sweetheart, get yourself all set for tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Okay. I love you Liebling.”

“Love you too sweetheart.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“Can I see Teddy again?” he requested.

“Course.”

Mark moved to the phone and Seb stared silently at their son, feeling more remote than ever. Mark left it a moment before moving the phone back.

 

“Virtual hug?” he offered.

“Yes please.”

It felt a little strange to close their eyes when the call was designed so they could see each other, but that was how their hugs worked, so they did as they always did, taking strength from it as best they could. As he re-opened his eyes, Mark looked at Seb with his face in repose, eyes closed, thinking how he looked almost as if he was asleep right now.

“I love you,” he repeated softly.

Sebastian reopened his eyes too.

“Me too. I love you both.”

“Yeah. Okay, sleep well and just in case it gets hectic and you don't have time to call early on, good luck for tomorrow.”

“I will call,” asserted Seb.

“Alright, well anyway.”

“Thanks. I hope you get an okay night.”

Mark smiled.

“You and me both sweetheart. Night then.”

“Night. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

“Bye.”

They looked at one another for a further moment, then nodded in agreement to hang up.

 

As soon as he did Sebastian bit his lip. It was worse this time. He was sure his heart hurt, actually _hurt_ to be so far away. Teddy looked so peaceful, but he wouldn't be later, and poor Mark was going to have to slog out of bed all night wearing himself out all on his own. Seb swallowed and blinked, telling himself to calm down, to stop being silly, to be a grown-up about all this. But he missed them, he missed them, _he missed them._

Tears leaked out and Seb's throat tightened. He tried to stop it, but he couldn't. Soon he was sniffing and crying. Sebastian lay down on his side. He was already wearing Mark's t-shirt to sleep in, but he had his hoody to the side and now he reached for it, burying his face in, partly to dry his face, but mostly to breathe in Mark's scent, to feel comfort there. Seb wrapped his arms around the hoody, but all he could think was how he wished he was holding Teddy there instead, or leaning into Mark's chest. He cried for a good five minutes, all the while knowing it was pathetic and he was only letting himself feel worse.

As he subsided Sebastian got out of bed and made himself go to the bathroom to wash his face, attempting to re-set himself. As he dried off the water he had splashed on himself Sebastian looked in the mirror and sighed. He was going to have to get better at this. Even with Mark offering to bring Teddy with him to as many races as he could this year there were inevitably going to be occasions where that wasn't possible. Seb was going to have to cope, just as Mark would home alone. If he was going to fall apart each time then Seb knew he would be in no shape to race. Mark was sacrificing so much; his driving, his sleep, giving so much of himself to care for their son so Seb could race on. Seb knew it was his responsibility to make the most of that opportunity given to him. It would be a poor repayment to Mark if he threw that away by moping and letting himself get so miserable he could barely function, never mind drive. He had to do better. Life was difficult sometimes. You just had to deal with it and carry on.

Sebastian took in a deep breath and turned around to go back to bed. He allowed himself to swipe through his favourite photographs of their family all together on his phone. It was amazing to see how Teddy had grown in just two months. Seb was tempted to ring Mark again so he could see Teddy sleeping just once more before he went to sleep, almost as he did when he was home, looking over at the crib from bed. That wasn't a good idea though. Mark might be getting some sleep and Seb ought to do the same. Best to be rested for his busy day working tomorrow. Sebastian re-checked his alarms once more, then set his phone down on the side before closing his eyes and dropping off remarkably quickly.

 

 

Unfortunately a continent away the exact opposite was taking place. Mark had just drifted off when a cry broke the still in the warm room. He yawned as he sat up, rubbing over his face to rouse himself before picking Teddy up out of his crib, rubbing over his back to soothe him.

“Alright, alright, I'm here Teddy. Daddy's here. Shh now.”

Mark laid the baby down on the bed to check his nappy, then establishing that wasn't it, he pulled on the super-sized, super-fluffy dressing-gown Seb had bought him and stood, lifting Teddy back up to go get him his bottle.

Moments later he was shuffling in slippers around the kitchen, holding Teddy with one arm trying to move his body slightly to comfort him as he made up the bottle. The dogs had climbed out of their baskets to investigate what the wailing noise was but Mark didn't really have time for them. He tried to look at Teddy who was crying into his shoulder.

“C'mon mate it's coming now. Calm down.”

Mark rubbed over the baby's back, but Teddy continued protesting. As soon as it was done Mark whipped the bottle out to test the milk then put it on the table to shift Teddy to lie in his arms, sitting down to feed him. The second his lips closed on the teat the baby silenced and began hungrily sucking. Mark sighed and shook his head.

“Just want what you want, don't you sweetheart? No patience.”

He finally looked over to the dogs who were stood beside them.

“Just the usual boys. Sorry. You can go back to bed.”

Shadow and Simba ignored his advice however and instead piled themselves to lie on Mark's feet. He wasn't about to complain though. The dogs were nice and warm and he wasn't going anywhere for a while.

 

 

Some time later Sebastian awoke with a start. His confused, sleepy brain sought out the cause. He couldn't hear Teddy crying. Seb frowned in the darkness. He listened out and couldn't even hear the baby breathing. In a panic he fumbled for the switch and turned on the bedside lamp, sitting up to look. He sighed and put his hand to his forehead. There was a good reason he couldn't hear his son. His son was over seven hundred miles away, as was his husband. Sebastian huffed out a long breath and reached for some water on the side to take a settling drink. Nothing had woken him except his own stupid brain, or maybe habit, or even some distant noise in the hotel or outside. Not that he could hear anything now.

Seb checked the time and saw it was nearly one am. Midnight back home. There was a chance that Teddy might actually have woken him if he had been there. Mark might be up looking after him. For half a moment Seb considered calling him, but to wake Mark during the little patches of sleep he got would be wrong and if he _was_ up then Mark would be busy feeding or changing their little boy. There was no good reason to interrupt them other than Seb selfishly wanting to reach out for his family in the night. It was more silliness. Sebastian shook it off, blaming his half-asleep brain as he settled back down into bed and switched off the light. He stared out into the darkness, partly thinking about his loved ones and partly telling himself off for being awake when he needed sleep, naturally only keeping himself awake longer. Then without noticing, somehow he slipped off again.

 

 

Back home Mark was indeed awake, though Seb was right to think he would be too busy to take a call. He had been roused to go and change a nappy, but once changed Teddy didn't quiet, but kept on crying. Mark took him to go sit in the rocking chair to see if the gentle motion helped soothe him, but it didn't. Mark sighed and looked down at his son in his arms.

“Are you hungry? Is that it?”

Teddy couldn't answer of course, so Mark decided it was worth a punt and got up. He tried putting Teddy down in the cot thinking he would be quicker if he had two free hands, but Teddy howled and kicked his legs. Mark puffed a breath as he watched, wondering if he was giving in too easily. If they jumped to it every time their son demanded their attention weren't they giving him the wrong message? Were they setting themselves up for a fall by spoiling him because they were desperate for their adopted child to identify with them as his parents and ensure he bonded closely with them?

Teddy waved his arms up as he cried louder and Mark gave in, lifting him up to hold him into his chest.

“Alright sweetheart, alright. Come on then, let's go get you some milk, see if that helps.”

Mark went down again, repeating the now oh so familiar task. While they waited Mark stroked over Teddy's back, continuing to hush him, keeping his voice low and reassuring. Once the bottle was ready Mark went back up and returned to the nursery, sitting in the rocking chair with the baby folded into his fluffy dressing-gown. Only half the bottle was drunk before Teddy lost interest in what he had demanded and Mark set it down to wind him then lay him back in his arms, slowly rocking back and forth. Teddy had ceased crying, but he didn't seem to want to sleep. Instead he lay looking up at his father, bright blue eyes wide open.

“Ah mate,” sighed Mark. “Daddy's tired. Aren't you tired?”

Teddy just looked at him and Mark shook his head.

“Guess not. Pfff, okay.”

Mark gazed down at his son and wondered why he was so unsettled. At least he had stopped crying. Mark continued the steady rocking, trying humming to the baby to see if that would send him off. He tried to think of the old songs his mother had sung to him when he was small; comforting sounds of home that lurked somewhere in the recesses of his formative mind. Mark smiled as one came to him through the years.

“ _Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree...”_

 

In the darkness of the cold night Mark sang to his son, of animals and landscapes from his homeland; warm sunshine and dusty soil with skies as bright and as blue as his son's eyes.

He kept the baby wrapped up and cosy with him, his voice soft, his tone gentle, and slowly, slowly, Teddy's eyes sagged and eventually fell shut. Mark's eyes were drooping too. He thought he could easily fall asleep here, the pair of them together in the chair, but that was no good. He might drop Teddy, or accidentally let him get hurt somehow. Mark took in a deep inhale of oxygen and levered himself up, keeping Teddy covered as he trudged back to the bedroom.

As he placed Teddy back in his crib and tucked the blanket around him the baby stirred slightly and Mark dreaded that he might wake at being moved, but as he stroked over Teddy's whispy blonde hair the baby stilled. Mark carefully removed his hand and watched for another moment to be sure he was off. He glanced over at the clock on the bedside and sighed. Nearly three am. How had that happened? Oh god he was tired.

“You'd better give me some decent nap-time tomorrow kiddo,” Mark advised his sleeping child grimly.

He felt as though he could sleep standing up so Mark crawled back into bed, praying that Teddy would at least give him a few hours before interrupting again, the thought barely out of his head before Mark's eyes were closed and he was as fast asleep as the baby only a foot away.

 

 

 

 

It was evening the following day before they would be able to fit in proper call again. Seb had briefly rung in the morning and again at lunchtime, but he hadn't had much time to spare, so beyond that he had just dropped Mark the occasional text to let him know how things were going. Mark had been grateful for them. He had his laptop open on the coffee table all day, refreshing the screen showing a motorsport website giving live commentary on testing to make sure he wasn't missing any updates. His phone was set beside it, just in case, Mark doing his best not to check it too often.

Despite the fact it was 'only testing' Mark couldn't help worrying every time Seb got in an F1 car. Accidents still happened at testing even if they weren't racing, breakdowns mid-lap could be dangerous. There could be engine fires, suspension failures, someone could break down right in front of you, slowing without warning causing you to crash unavoidably into them, brakes could fail...

He kept on pushing those ideas away. Nothing was going to go wrong. Nothing serious anyway. When Sebastian texted mid-afternoon to tell him that the engineers had called him in and the mechanics were working on the car Mark told himself that it was really better in a way. They'd spotted a problem straight away and were fixing it. Seb was safe in the garage, even if Mark knew he would be frustrated at losing track time.

 

Mark tried telling Teddy what his papa was doing while he was away, pulling up pictures of Seb with the new car from the official launch that morning, holding the baby so he could look at the laptop screen.

“Look, there's Papa. Can you see him darling? He's sat on the new car with Dan, he's the funny looking one. I reckon you'll like him kiddo, he's a bit goofy but he's alright.”

Mark smiled at Teddy thinking how Seb's team-mate would probably make the baby smile with that open animated way he had. The baby wasn't really focussed on the picture Mark was showing him and Mark guessed that an inanimate photograph might not make sense to him without the matching eyes looking into his, the smile directed only to him that told Teddy it was his Papa.

“Anyway we'll see him in a bit when he calls.”

 

 

A while later Mark looked back to the scrolling updates to see if there was any more information on Seb. He frowned as he read that there had been an incident with the new Sauber losing its front wing out on track. If that had been Seb Mark would been horrified and he felt a bit guilty to be relieved it was someone else. The report said they were okay though, so maybe he didn't need to feel too bad? No real harm done except to a car and perhaps the morale in that team. A photograph popped up of Seb talking to his mechanics as everyone waited around to go back out once the track was cleared.

“Hey look Teddy, it's Papa. See, he's fine.”

Teddy showed no interest so Mark sat back and looked at him instead. He seemed a bit sleepy. Typical that he do that now, not twelve hours earlier. There were another two hours of testing to go. If they went up for a nap might he miss something? They were bound to be out on track again soon.

“What shall we do kiddo? Hm? Do you fancy a bit of sleepy-bo-bos?”

 

Mark smiled to himself, thinking how his fellow drivers would no doubt laugh at him for the way he spoke to his son, but he didn't care. Teddy was falling asleep now. He needed a nap and frankly so did Mark. He sighed, wondering what to do. It might be illogical, but it felt as though if he stopped keeping as close a watch as he could on how Seb was doing, something bad might happen. He knew it made no sense. Simply looking at a scrolling screen of updates had no impact on the events discussed there. Seb couldn't see him watching, but it still felt important. He puffed a long breath and decided to take the laptop up with them.

Mark flipped the lid down, put his phone in his pocket, then shifted Teddy to hold him in one arm before shoving the laptop under one arm and sidestepping the dogs to go up. He dropped the computer onto the bed, pulling a face at the bounce it made before placing Teddy down in his crib. The baby was already asleep so he merely tucked him in and retrieved the laptop, making room for it and the phone on the bedside table before opening it up and refreshing the screen. The drivers were back out again, racking up the laps as the engineers studied the data. Nothing exciting. He slipped into bed fully dressed and pulled the duvet over. Lying on his side Mark could keep an eye on both the baby and the computer screen. Now he just had to stop himself falling asleep.

 

Mark snatched awake, pushing himself up to check on his two prime concerns, but Teddy was still asleep while the only information change on Seb was the increase in his lap tally. That had to mean he was fine. There was still another hour and a half of running left so Mark propped himself up on his side to stop himself dropping off again.

 

 

 

Sebastian came around the track one more time and saw the chequered flag being waved. Time up. Not a bad day in all, not spectacular, but a decent amount of running even with interruptions, lots of data for the engineers to pore over. It did feel good to be back in the car, to enjoy the feeling of power as he sent the car around the track, even if he was only doing laps, not racing. It felt like such a long time since he had done this. Seb was glad that Mark had reminded him not to feel guilty about not thinking of his family as he concentrated on driving. Only as he slowed to a finish now did Seb consider them again, thinking how he should drop Mark a text to let him know he was fine and give him an idea when he might call. The radio came on with Christian thanking him for his efforts before his engineer took over to ask a few last questions before Seb was back at the pitlane entry and his day was done.

Done at least in terms of driving. Even as he pulled up to a halt in front of the garage and was wheeled in by the guys, Seb knew he had plenty more work to do. He had to take part in the debrief to go over things from today and prepare for the following one, and before he even got to that Sebastian had to go and face the media. His heart sank at the thought. This morning at the new car launch it had been photographs only, no questions. All he'd had to do was help pull the shroud off the car and pose beside it looking happy. Hardly taxing stuff. The media though. Seb wasn't looking forward to that.

It had been months since he had faced them and though Seb had spent half his life showing dutiful smiles whilst microphones were thrust under his nose, it felt different now. He'd been though everything with Britta numerous times and he understood the plan: Seb was only to answer questions relating to his work, to the new car, how the driving had gone, what his thoughts were on the coming season. All the usual stuff. But any questions on his family were strictly verboten. Britta had sat the paddock press down before Seb even arrived and been as firm as she could be, but now they had to put it into practise so the media understood that they meant it.

 

 

“So Seb, Mark not with you?” asked one quite innocuously.

Sebastian looked out at the crowd surrounding him in the huddle. Normally he would happily shrug such a question off. It was innocent enough to say 'no not this time,' or even 'no he's home', but that was now a slippery slope as they were bound to ask why and Seb knew it was up to him as well as Britta to be firm.

“Sebastian is here to discuss his driving,” replied Britta on his behalf.

Seb knew he could say as much himself, or even just stay quiet, but the point needed underlining to set the tone for the whole season and Britta had insisted with almost as much firmness that she used with the media, that to say so was _her_ job, that if the press were to be annoyed it was to be with her, not him. That seemed a little unfair to Seb, but when Britta had that expression on his face he knew when he was told. Hopefully the media felt the same way. The current transgressor opened his mouth as if to protest, but Sebastian just waited, making no indication he would crack and answer the simple question posed until a more suitable one was asked.

The journalist sighed.

“Okay, so Seb, how did you find the car today?”

Sebastian gave him a bright smile.

“Good. Yeah it's always interesting to try out a new car for real as it were after driving it in the sim for so long.”

“A positive day then?”

“Yeah I'd say so. Still lots to go over, but that's what testing is for.”

“You're optimistic then?”

“Absolutely.”

 

Britta nodded to another reporter.

“So Seb you're looking forward to the new season?”

“For sure, yeah.”

“Will your family be travelling with you?”

This time Britta didn't even say a word. She merely glared at the man and Sebastian was certain he saw him deflate as though Britta had fired a pin as sharp as her glare at him. This time Britta didn't even allow them time to try again but punished the reporter for wasting their question by moving immediately on to the next. The following journalist judged that discretion was the better part of valour.

“Seb, there was a bit of time wasted this afternoon with the track needing clearing after Sauber's mishap. There's been a bit of talk that this ought to be compensated for by extending running past the six o'clock deadline. What do you think about that?”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“Um I can see your point, but to be honest I'm not sure it's practical. We can't go on indefinitely, even if perhaps some in the teams might quite like that.”

The journalist smiled and nodded.

“You don't fancy twenty-four hour style then?”

Seb knew that was an oblique reference to Mark's WEC driving in Le Mans, but he gave no sign.

“Not without headlights, no.”

A few of the gathered media laughed and things moved on. Most of the questions were confined as requested to work and not his personal life, but towards the end one of the television presenters held their mic forwards.

“Seb, I hope you don't take it the wrong way if I say you're looking a little tired?”

 

He looked back at her, knowing as they all did that it was a cue to say that the baby was keeping him up at nights. Seb could tell her that Mark was really doing all the hard work, and a part of him longed to praise his husband publicly for his efforts, but he couldn't go there.

“Thanks,” he replied ironically.

Seb smiled and the woman smiled too.

“Sorry,” she apologised.

“No that's okay. I guess age comes to us all. Thirty this year. I don't know where the time goes.”

Sebastian glanced to Britta, thinking that was surely a personal reference that was okay.

“You're still as committed though?”

“Of course.”

“Even with other areas of you life now perhaps a factor?”

Seb caught the fractional eyebrow rise from Britta. They were skirting awfully close to the line here and if they went any further he knew she would step in, but he had to show he was in control too. Even if he wanted to tell the world that he was as committed to his family as he was his work, Seb knew he had to hold back giving out justifications that were more about making himself feel better.

“I'm fully committed to racing and looking forward to going racing in a few weeks time,” he asserted.

Sebastian decided not to care that he was spouting platitudes. He was still giving them an answer, so they could make of it what they wanted to.

“Will your family be with you in Melbourne?” asked the presenter.

It would be so easy just to say yes. That didn't give much away really and surely they would see them there for themselves in a few weeks. But if there was a line there was a line and if Seb crossed it one way then the media would feel emboldened to cross the other way. So he paused and glanced to Britta who took the hint and cut them off.

“Next. Yes, Peter,” she prompted briskly to another journalist.

Seb felt a little guilty that he was potentially being rude, but it was what it was. Next question.

 

 

 

It was nearly eight pm before he could Facetime home from the hotel, seven back home. Seb had texted Mark to check he would be free as he was driven back from the circuit so he had sat waiting on the sofa, anticipating the call.

“Hey sweetheart,” smiled Mark.

“Hey. Hello Teddy.”

Mark held the phone higher to keep them both in shot for Seb.

“Papa's saying hi darling.”

Teddy merely blinked as Seb waved, no sign of recognition.

“He looks sleepy,” Sebastian commented.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Nothing to how I feel.”

“Oh Mark, are you alright?” worried Seb.

“Yeah, yeah it's fine.”

“Did you get a nap?”

“A bit of one. We'll have an extra early night.”

“Yeah okay. Me too. I'm pretty knackered.”

Mark nodded.

“Busy day?”

“Yeah.”

“Looked like you did good in the car.”

Seb shrugged and Mark smiled at the familiar gesture. It was nice to see it, rather than just interpret them over the phone.

“I guess,” Sebastian allowed. “Decent start anyway.”

“Good. More tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“How are the guys? Glad to get going?” enquired Mark.

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah I think so.” He looked at Teddy. “You know I think they were a bit disappointed I was on my own. Dave said he was going to stick a 'Baby on board' sticker on the car.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I'm sure somebody would have loved to get a picture of that.”

“Mm, best not really.”

“How was it with the press?”

“Ah you know. Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, pretty much. I held firm.”

“Good.”

Sebastian nodded.

“It's kindof harder that I thought to be honest Liebling,” he confessed.

“Oh? Are they being difficult?”

Seb sighed.

“I dunno. Not terrible. They're pushing a little bit. Nothing awful, just little hints, asking about you, saying I look tired, that kinda thing.”

Mark nodded. He thought he looked far worse that Seb did, though he wasn't about to make him feel guilty.

“It's not too bad,” Seb continued. “It's just Britta says I have to be tough and give them nothing so they know not to try it on.”

“Well she's right sweetheart. Don't let them get to you.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“It's just there's a part of me, a big part really, that wants to tell them stuff. I want to tell them how excited we are to have Teddy, I want to tell them how hard you're working and that it's you who's really tired.”

“Seb.”

“I know, I know. Give them an inch and they take a mile. But I still wish in a way that I could tell them how much I owe you.”

“Ah darling you don't owe me anything.”

“Yes I do. I couldn't do this without you and I want to tell the world that.”

Mark sighed a heavy breath.

“I don't need you to tell them.”

“Well I want to tell you.”

 

They looked at one another and Mark wished he could reach through the screen to place his hand by Seb's cheek, to give him a kiss. Technology still couldn't help them with that.

“You don't owe me anything sweetheart, but thank you.”

“As long as you know how much it means to me, how much you mean to me.”

Mark shook his head.

“I know that already sweetheart. Forget the press. I don't read it anyway.”

“Oh. Well I guess that's a point.”

Mark smiled and flicked his eyebrows up.

“So. Dilemma solved,” he asserted brightly. “Britta's right, even if it is difficult you've just got to be firm, let them know they're wasting their breath asking about Teddy.”

“And you. It's my whole family. I won't give them anything any more. I think it's the only way.”

“Sure. Well hopefully it'll get easier. Britta's a pro darling. She knows that above all the media need material. If they get nothing by asking intrusive stuff then they'll learn to only ask the questions that get them answers.”

“Yeah. I keep telling myself that. I guess it should get easier.”

“Hope so. Okay, well Britta's there to deal with anyone who puts a toe over the line isn't she?”

“She was great today. I'm glad I've got her.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Me too. Right, well, keep it up and we'll get there. Other than that was it okay?”

“Yeah, I mean lots of questions about the car and stuff too.”

“Well you'd hope so seeing as that is their job.”

“Mm, anyway it was okay.”

“Good.”

“What about you Liebling? How has it been today?”

“Ah you know, the usual. He chooses to sleep when I'm not.”

“Sorry.”

“Not your fault. Don't worry about it sweetheart.”

 

Mark looked down at Teddy. He'd only managed to put him down in the afternoon. The rest of the time the baby had been clingier than usual. Mark was sure he wasn't imagining it.

“Anyway, he's fine now,” Mark assured. “Have you had some dinner?”

“Oh, um, I'm just gonna get room service, go straight to sleep after this.”

“Good plan. Me too.”

The both laughed at that.

“Well, not room service,” adjusted Mark. “Tragically I don't have that here, but I'm gonna grab a bite and go up once he's had his bottle.”

“Right, okay.”

 

Seb had been planning on another call when he was in bed, but it seemed this was going to have to suffice.

“Yeah?” checked Mark.

“Yes of course. Early night's best. I hope you get more sleep tonight.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Me too darling. Ah well, we'll see.”

They chatted for a little while longer, then Teddy started fussing.

“I guess that means it's dinner-time for someone,” noted Mark.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian peered in as Mark tried to lift Teddy higher whilst still holding the phone.

“It's okay Liebling, I'll let you go.”

“Sorry.”

“No no. It's fine. You go sort him out. Love you.”

Mark paused and lifted his hand closer to look at Seb through the phone.

“Okay. Love you too sweetheart. Take care.”

“Bye then.”

“Bye.”

Mark set the phone down, feeling a bit bad for ending the call so abruptly, but he had no time to dwell on it. Teddy's cries were getting louder and he had to deal with that.

In Barcelona Sebastian stayed sat on his bed staring at the phone for another moment. He knew he was in danger of moping again. Time to ring down for food, maybe change into his pyjamas already and just watch some TV to lift the silence. He'd be fine. Just _one_ more night of this.

 

* * *

 


	209. Two days, two nights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - I've managed to break my usual laptop by spilling tea on it (grr, grr) and naturally wasted ages trying to fix it to no avail. Anyway, back-up in place and here we finally have the follow-up chapter.

 

* * *

  

 

As he fed the baby in the kitchen Mark wondered if he ought to call Seb back. Had he sounded a bit sad as Mark hung up? Then again Seb needed his early night. Mark might be tired but he wasn't going to be driving a car at two hundred miles an hour in the morning. He looked down and saw that Teddy wasn't drinking any more so Mark lifted the bottle away and wiped away a little dribbled milk. Perhaps he should just text Seb goodnight, say something nice to cheer him up? Yeah, he'd do that.

Mark winded the baby then got up to find some leftovers to stick in the microwave that would do for his own dinner. The dogs had come in so he succeeded in dipping down to top up their bowls whilst hanging on to Teddy which was easier said than done. The microwave pinged and Mark took the plate to the table, then grabbed a fork to eat the slightly stale pasta. Teddy was wriggling a bit, but hopefully now he was full he would settle.

 

By eight o'clock Mark was in bed. Teddy was asleep so there was no point staying up. He'd waited until he dropped off so he could put him down in order that Mark could use the bathroom, the one task that really was impossible whilst holding a baby.

Mark checked his phone now he was in bed and found there was already a message waiting.

SEB: Hope Teddy gives you a good night. Love you both.

Mark looked over to the crib where Teddy slept.

MARK: So far so good. He's off so I'm gonna get some kip too. Love you darling. Good luck for tomorrow. Just think, this time tomorrow you'll be back with us. XOX

 

In his hotel bed Sebastian heard his phone beep and picked it up, smiling as he read the text.

SEB: Can't wait.

MARK: Me either. Sleep tight sweetheart, see you soon.

SEB: Hope you get some sleep too.

MARK: Me too.Y

SEB:Y

Both of them put down their phones, knowing they were in danger of spending the whole night sending messages back and forth so as not to fail to give a reply.

 

Mark did manage to get a couple of hours sleep before Teddy woke him needing a nappy change, then a brief nap before he was up again for a feed. He lay propped in bed with him, hoping that warm milk and a warm bed might encourage his son to feel sleepy, but the minute Mark tried to put him down Teddy started crying. Mark sighed. He sat on the edge of the bed and tried watching for a moment to see if Teddy would re-adjust to being in his crib and go back to sleep, but he continued to howl. Mark closed his eyes feeling the sound boring through his brain. He knew that babies’ cries were specifically tuned so as to be almost impossible to ignore, a survival tool designed to protect the species he supposed, but right now he wasn't much appreciating it.

He shook his head as he picked Teddy back up and sat holding him.

“What is it sweetheart? Come on, you've had your bottle. Don't you want to sleep?”

Mark turned and laid the baby down on the bed to re-check his nappy. Nope, not that. Teddy didn't appreciate being undressed either so he howled all the louder in protest. Mark thought about the joke Fabian had made in a call before Seb left about Mark needing earplugs more than Seb did at the track. Too right. Unfortunately Mark knew he could never do that, tempting as it was to shut out the noise. He picked Teddy up again and shuffled back into bed, pulling the duvet partially over them both. Mark didn't want to lie down too much or he might fall asleep. Instead he kept Teddy held in his arms lying sideways across his chest as he looked down at him.

“C'mon mate what's the matter, eh?”

Sadly Teddy couldn't tell him. Mark wished he could. He felt his cheek to see if the baby felt too warm, but he felt no different to normal and the little temperature gauge on the side showed the room was neither too hot or too cold, so it wasn't that. He was fed, changed, dressed, held. At not yet two months Teddy was far too young to be teething, though Mark knew he had that very special joy to look forward to. He sighed, wondering what was wrong.

“I wish you could tell me,” whispered Mark.

Teddy seemed to pause, then he screwed up his face and bawled some more. Mark sighed and tried stroking his cheek.

“Shh darling, shh. Everything's okay, there's no reason to get upset.” He paused and frowned. “Are you missing Papa? Is that it? Me too. Me too darling.”

 

It was some time before Teddy properly quieted. This time Mark waited until he was fully asleep before risking putting him down. He wondered if it was that moment of feeling abandoned alone in his crib that upset his son when he was a little unsettled. He couldn't very well sleep with the baby in bed with him though. Mark would be terrified he might roll over onto him, or the duvet suffocate Teddy and even the idea of that made him feel sick. He was dog-tired, but Mark spent another few minutes sat on the edge of the bed watching over him before finally lying back down.

 

Somehow Mark felt even more tired when he was woken by yet more crying some time later. His arms felt heavy as he lifted the baby out and he could hardly open his eyes.

“Okay okay,” soothed Mark.

He placed Teddy on the bed to go through the routine of trying to establish what the problem was once again. This time as he peeked inside the nappy Mark recoiled.

“Ah gahd.”

He puffed a breath feeling horribly awake now just as poor Teddy was.

“Okay, I get it now buddy, let's go.”

He scooped the baby up to take him into the nursery, laying him on the changing table to remove the dirty nappy and clean him up before putting a new one on. Being so tired made it more difficult and he ended up needing a fresh sleep babygro as well which Teddy wasn't keen on, kicking out as Mark tried to fit his little feet into the legs.

“Teddy please mate, you'll get cold.”

But the baby continued to cry and flail his limbs, fighting his father's effort at every step making the job twice as long to complete. Mark could feel himself starting to lose patience so once Teddy was redressed he lifted his hands away and stood for a moment, just letting Teddy cry as he lay on the changing mat, hoping somehow it would sink in that he was clean and dry now and his son might calm down, but Teddy just kept on crying. Mark sagged and picked him up to take him over to the rocking chair.

“You're alright now darling, all sorted. Shh now, c'mon, shh.”

Teddy took in a series of snatched breaths and Mark hoped it was an indicator he would settle down, but it turned out his son was just gathering in air for a new blast. Mark held him in and rocked the chair. He wondered where one so small got enough energy to keep going like this. He got up to fetch Teddy's toy dinosaur to see if he liked that, but it made no difference as the cries continued.

“Are you hungry too? Shall we try that?” mused Mark.

 

It was worth a go, so he trooped downstairs once more, taking Teddy with him to fetch a bottle, apologising to the dogs. Teddy barely had a third of the milk before he rejected the bottle and Mark put it down on the table, puffing out a breath.

“Not that then?”

He shook his head at the dogs who were watching them and stood to trudge back upstairs only for the baby to start crying again. Mat sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him.

“Do you want it now? Is it that?”

He placed Teddy in his crib and hurried back, rushing so much on the stairs that he missed one and nearly went flying. Mark grabbed a hold of the banister to stop himself and took a moment, thankful that he hadn’t been holding teddy at the time, before continuing more sedately. He fetched the still warm bottle cursing himself for not taking it up with them anyway. The sound of the baby crying floated all the way to the kitchen so he went straight back up, taking more care on the stairs this time. Once up he retrieved Teddy and offered him the bottle again only for Teddy to take a couple of sups before making it clear he wasn't interested.

“You're kidding?” sighed Mark.

He set the bottle to the side and lifted Teddy into his chest wondering if it was that he hadn't winded him properly and trapped air was hurting the baby's little chest. Then as Mark rubbed over his back Teddy belched a mouthful of stinky regurgitated milk all over his t-shirt. Mark looked down at himself and sighed.

“Oh Teddy.”

Mark wiped at the baby's mouth and held him on the other side to wind him some more, grateful at least that more didn't follow, before placing him down on the duvet beside him. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and balled it up with the liquid on the inside, hoping it didn't leak as he lobbed it in the direction of the wash-basket in the corner. Pauline would thank him for that one. Teddy was crying louder so Mark picked him back up to hold him against his now bare chest.

“Are you feeling poorly kiddo? Is that it?”

Mark looked in at him, worrying now. Plenty of times before he had gakked up milk, so maybe it was nothing? Mark rubbed over the baby's back, partly to soothe him, partly to make sure there was nothing more to come up. Nothing did though and Mark wondered if he was being paranoid because he was tired. He lowered Teddy into his arms then removed a hand to feel his cheeks and forehead. Was that normal, or did he feel warmer? Was Teddy ill? Was he blaming the poor little thing for keeping him up when his son was trying to tell him something was wrong? What if he was really ill? What if Mark just ignored it because he was selfishly tired? What if something terrible happened?

His heart was thumping now. Mark got up and put Teddy down in his crib to go into the nursery searching for the baby thermometer they had bought, rushing back to lay him on the bed to take his temperature. Normal. Thank god the little digital readout specifically said as much as well as the reading in Celsius or Mark would be frantically Googling to be sure. He took it again with the same result, then let out a sigh of relief. Mark put the thermometer on the side and sat to pick Teddy back up to hold him close, now feeling oddly tearful himself, though whether with relief or exhaustion he didn't know.

Mark rocked the baby with his body, hushing him. He could feel his heart was still beating too fast and Mark wasn't sure why when he knew everything was okay. He guessed he had just worked himself up. Thank god Teddy was okay. Mark looked down and gave him a weak smile.

“We can't let anything happen to you. Not ever. You're so precious to us. Don't you know that darling? You're everything. Shh, shh. Please baby, Daddy's tired. I'm so tired. I need you to go to sleep now.”

He closed his eyes and to his surprise as he re-opened them tears escaped. Mark spared a hand to roughly brush them away. Why was he crying because Teddy was? That made no sense. Mark took in a deep breath and huffed it out. Maybe he'd just scared himself? Mark knew if he had rung Seb and told him he was worried that their son might be ill Seb would have been on the plane home as fast as he could get airborne. He'd just panicked himself. That was it, surely? Mark took another long, slow deep breath in and let it out just as slowly. Tired brains weren't the most rational. He could use some common sense right now.

 

 

Mark let out a long sigh, knowing he needed to calm down almost as much as his son did. He placed Teddy down to lie in the centre of the bed while he found another t-shirt, then pulled on his new dressing-gown for good measure and picked up his phone from the side. He decided a cup of tea would be an idea to help calm himself down, so he carried his son back down with him to the kitchen along with the bottle to dispose of the cooled contents. Teddy was no longer making a din but he still wasn't settled either, so Mark made himself a mug of tea and apologised to the dogs for disturbing them again before taking it through to the lounge to sit on the sofa.

He grabbed a cushion to help support Teddy and folded the dressing-gown around him. The baby made unhappy noises and Mark wanted to ask if being warm and cosy with him wasn't enough. He didn't know where he was going wrong. Mark leaned forwards carefully to take a sip of tea to at least soothe himself, then fished his phone out from a pocket, checking the time-difference in his head before pressing dial. It only took a couple of rings before it was answered.

“Hello Mark,” came a cheery wide-awake voice.

“Hey.”

“Oh dear,” laughed Leanne. “You don't sound too chipper. What time is it with you?”

“Three am,” answered Mark dourly.

“Ouch. What's the matter?”

Mark sighed heavily.

“I just can't get him to settle. I don't know what the matter is. I've tried changing him, feeding him. I've sat with him, made sure he's warm but not too warm, comfortable. He just won't go down.”

“Ah.”

“He's been crying on and off all night.”

Mark looked at Teddy who was currently grousing more quietly as if determined to make his complaint, whatever it was, known.

“Sorry. I just... I dunno. I think I'm losing the plot,” admitted Mark. “Is it an okay time to call?”

“Course it is. You can call any time,” his sister reminded him.

“Yeah but you don't have to pick up the kids or anything?”

“Not for another hour. We're fine.”

“Okay, thanks. Sorry.”

“Mark you don't need to apologise.”

“I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.”

“I'm sure you're not doing anything wrong. Sometimes babies just cry.”

“Yeah I know but... I mean sure, he cries, but not like this.”

Leanne frowned, trying to think what might help.

“On and off or constantly?” she enquired.

“Oh I dunno, it feels constant, but I guess on and off. He's a bit quieter now, but he's been so clingy. He's hardly let me put him down even in the days.”

“For a while, or?”

“Just really since yesterday, well, I guess I mean Sunday. I'm getting confused.”

“You do sound tired.”

“Thanks.”

“Sorry. Par for the course with a baby.”

“I'm used to that now. Not like this though.”

“It's worse than usual?”

“Yeah. I'm not imagining it,” defended Mark.

“I'm not saying you are.”

“Honestly Leanne I was starting to panic that he might be sick, but I took his temp and it's completely normal.”

“Right, well that's good.”

“Course it is. God I really worried for a moment though.”

“Well you're tired. It's the middle of the night with you and you're on your own. It's not the best combo is it?” sympathised Leanne.

Mark sighed.

“He hasn't got a cold or anything?” Leanne checked.

“I don't think so.”

“I'm pretty sure you'd notice. Does his breathing sound raspy?”

“No he's breathing fine.”

“Okay, so not that.” She ran through the tick list in her head that her brother had mentioned, trying to think what it might be. “You said you changed his nappy. Anything unusual?”

“Like what?”

“Well I don't know. Less than usual, more than usual?”

Mark shrugged.

“Not so you'd notice. He only had a bit of his bottle and didn't want any more, but then he'd been up for one not so long ago.”

“Not hungry yet then?”

“I guess. I tried anyway and then he threw it up on me.”

“That's a pretty clear message.”

“Yeah my t-shirt took the brunt.”

 

Leanne smiled, but she knew it wasn't so funny to her brother.

“It's probably nothing,” she reassured. “Sometimes you just have bad nights.”

“Mm.”

“Do you want to try that thing?”

“What thing?”

“The face-thingy, what do you call it? When we can see each other, the video-link thing.”

“Oh, yeah I didn't think. I'll have to hang up. Gimme a mo.”

Mark hung up and both of them tried to remember how to do it before each of their faces appeared on the screen. Leanne sighed at how tired her brother looked.

“We're down in the lounge,” stated Mark, then moved the phone to show Teddy.

Leanne peered in to see the little face poking out from Mark's dressing-gown. He looked quite cosy, but the baby's expression was unhappy and he was breathing unevenly.

“He does seem crotchety,” she observed.

“Crotchety?” frowned Mark.

“Mum says it. You know, grumpy.”

“He's definitely that.” Mark shook his head at his son. “What've you got to be grumpy about? Hm?”

“He was crying before you called?” checked Leanne.

“Yeah.”

“Mm. You know I think sometimes they just work themselves up into a state and then that makes them unsettled and unhappy and they just self-perpetuate, crying cos they're out of sorts.”

“Great.”

“Sorry Mark I don't have any magic wands.”

“No I know. Sorry. I just needed someone to talk to.”

Leanne sighed.

“You must be missing Seb.”

“Yeah. I didn't want to ring him though. He needs his sleep if he's driving and it's not fair to worry him when he's so far away.”

“Of course.”

“Sorry I know you're far away too.”

“It's fine. No point making Seb fret in the middle of the night.”

“Mm.”

“And you don't want to give yourself anything more to worry about,” noted Leanne.

“Huh?”

“With Seb. I know you worry when he's driving.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Have you tried just putting him down?” wondered Leanne.

Mark frowned.

“Seb?”

Leanne laughed.

“No, Teddy.”

“Oh. Sorry, brain's not working. Yeah. I mean he has been down in-between.”

“And he slept?”

“Yeah for patches.”

“Have you tried it when he's crying? Just to see if he'll go off?”

“He won't though. I know what you'll say. Mum keeps on saying we shouldn't pick him up every single time he wants us, but...” Mark shook his head. “I did try.”

“How long did you last?”

Mark gave his sister a half-smile.

“'bout a minute.”

Leanne smiled back.

“Yeah. Ah well. I think that's easier said than done. He's still little isn't he?”

Mark nodded, feeling oddly upset again.

“Are you okay?” Leanne checked. “I know it must be hard on your own.”

“It's only two days.”

“Still. Hard with a baby when you're worrying about Seb too.”

“I know he's fine really.”

“Seb you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“But you still worry?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Can't help it. I wish they'd at least show it on TV.”

“Then you could keep an eye on him.”

“Yeah. Does that sound crazy?”

“Nope. We always watched you if we could. Mum especially.”

“Mm.”

 

Teddy started fussing a little louder and Mark hitched him a fraction higher.

“Shh-shh. It's alright darling, Daddy's here. I'm just talking to your Auntie Leanne.”

The baby grizzled then lowered down a notch before Mark looked back at the phone he had sat on his knee.

“Sorry.”

“It's fine. Shall I go?”

Mark said nothing and his sister shook her head.

“I'm sure he's fine, just unsettled,” she offered.

“Yeah.” Mark nodded. “I think I just needed someone to tell me that.”

“Course.”

“You don't think it's anything else?”

“Well unless he develops something like a cold or anything like that.”

“He's got his jabs day after tomorrow.”

“Mm, well you may have more of this then I'm afraid.”

“Hmm. I guess he'll see the nurse.”

“Yes, well there you go, she'll check him while you're there won't she? Or he?”

“Yep. At least Seb'll be back,” noted Mark.

Leanne nodded.

“Can I say something?” she checked.

“Hm? Course.”

“You're missing Seb.”

“Yeah. I think maybe Teddy is too.”

“Mm, quite possibly.”

“You think that's it?”

“Maybe, but I was going to say... Okay, yeah Teddy might be missing his papa, I'm sure he is, but also, well...”

She paused and Mark frowned.

“What?” he prompted.

“Don't take this the wrong way, but if you're worrying about Seb all day long, Teddy might be picking that up from you,” suggested Leanne tentatively.

Mark sagged.

“So it's my fault.”

“No. No Mark. I don't mean that. It's not your fault. You can't help what you feel, but I think babies can pick up vibes. If you're fretting and the baby's fretting that might not be a coincidence.”

Mark sighed heavily.

“I don't want him worrying.”

“I'm not sure it's as developed as that. Just a bit unsettled.”

“Well how am I meant to fix that? I can't _not_ worry about Seb. I try, but...”

 

Mark shook his head and Leanne felt guilty for upsetting him.

“It might not be that. I don't know Mark I'm just speculating. Maybe it's like him; You're unsettled and you're not getting any sleep. Have you had naps in the day?”

“Not much. Just a short one.” Mark picked the phone back up to look properly at his sister before confessing. “I was trying to stay awake to watch the updates on testing, online.”

“I see.”

“I just accidentally fell asleep for a bit this afternoon, well, yesterday afternoon for, I dunno, fifteen or twenty minutes.”

“Mark you need sleep. No wonder you're worrying about everything. The brain needs rest.”

“I just worry I'll miss something.”

“Nothing's going to happen Mark. It's just testing. Seb's going to be fine.”

Mark closed his eyes.

“I don't want Teddy worrying like me. That's a horrible idea.”

“I don't think he is. I think maybe he just feels you're unsettled and you're over-tired.”

“And so he's the same?”

“Maybe. I'm not trying to guilt you. Of course you worry about Seb, that's natural.”

“I just can't shut out thinking of all the things that could go wrong,” Mark confessed.

“Yeah. Ah Mark. I'm sure he'll be okay. They're not racing are they?”

“No.”

“And there haven't been any problems today? I did look myself you know.”

“No he's fine. Someone else had a thing, a bit of a crash, but nothing big.”

“He'll be fine. Try to trust in that.”

Mark took a deep breath.

“Okay,” he replied quietly.

 

He looked down at the baby who had quieted again. Mark moved the phone to show his sister.

“I think he likes your voice,” he commented.

Leanne smiled.

“I wish I was nearer so I could help.”

“Thanks. Me too. Guess I couldn't call you in the middle of the night then.”

“Yes you could. You always can.”

Mark nodded and gave her a smile.

“Thank you. I know I'm just fretting and making things worse.”

“I'm not saying that Mark. He might be like this anyway. Could just be nothing. Sometimes babies just cry and you simply have to ride it out.”

“I guess.”

“All I can suggest is fix what you can. You can't help worrying about Seb, but getting so knackered on top of that is no good. Is Teddy sleeping in the day?”

Mark huffed a wry laugh.

“More in the day than the night at the moment.”

“Mm, well they're contrary little things sometimes, but you've just got to go with it. Take naps. Not fifteen minutes, proper naps like you have been. I know you want to keep an eye on Seb, but I'm not sure constantly doing that is helping. It might be making you more anxious.”

 

Mark took in a deep breath and huffed it out. His sister might be right. All that repeated refreshing of the screen worrying he might have missed something, trying to read into the comments and the stats what that meant about how Seb was doing. It _wasn't_ really helping.

“Yeah maybe,” he allowed.

“Did you do anything else all day?”

“Other than look after Teddy? Not much. Pauline took the dogs out.”

Leanne raised an eyebrow and Mark knew he was being ticked off.

“She offered,” he defended.

“I'm sure she did, but don't you think you'd feel better in yourself for some fresh air and exercise? You can take your phone in case Seb's trying to get hold of you or anything.”

“I guess.”

“And take proper naps with Teddy. Put him down and have a real sleep. As often as you can. Then you won't be so exhausted. I can see it in your eyes Mark. Nobody thinks straight when they're so tired. Everything seems worse and you worry yourself into holes.”

Mark nodded.

“You won't miss anything with Seb,” promised his sister. “He'll be alright.”

 

Mark took in another deep calming breath. He knew Leanne wasn't psychic and technically it was possible that something bad _could_ happen during testing, but really the odds were against it. Driving himself up the wall worrying wasn't helping him or Teddy.

“Okay?” checked Leanne.

“Yeah. Thank you.”

“That's alright. You know Teddy's gonna cry anyway. You've just got to give yourself a fighting chance to cope.”

Mark nodded.

“Thanks. Yeah I'll do that tomorrow. Have proper naps like normal and take the dogs out. I guess I do always feel better for that. Teddy too really.”

“Exactly. Alright well, give it a go. I can't promise a magic fix, but better than nothing. Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then. Well, how is he now?”

Mark angled the phone to show her. Teddy was still awake, but he was breathing normally now, sounding calmer just as Mark was.

“I think if I just hold him a bit longer he should go off now,” Mark told his sister.

“Sure.”

“It seems to make it worse if I try putting him down too soon. He freaks out a bit and then we're back to square one.”

“Mm, alright well just make sure you put him down as soon as you can and get some sleep, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay well I'll go. Will you let me know how you get on?” requested Leanne.

“Of course.”

“You don't need to ring. Just drop me a text so I'm not worrying.”

“I will.”

Leanne smiled.

“See. I worry about you. It's not a failing to be concerned. Don't feel guilty about it.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Yeah okay. Thanks.”

“Right, well take care. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

 

Mark hung up and put the phone down to the side. He lifted Teddy a little higher and looked at him.

“Sorry mate.” Mark sighed. “You don't need to worry about Papa. He's fine. He'll be home tonight.”

Teddy let out a little noise and Mark reached to stroke his cheek.

“Papa'll be home soon darling and then we'll be alright again won't we? Don't work yourself up about it.”

 

Mark sighed, knowing that last was for him. He had to be calmer for Teddy's sake and accept that Seb would be fine without him there to watch over him. He took a deep breath, still wishing he could watch some TV coverage of testing. Surely that would be better than squinting at a laptop to try to fathom out what was happening?

“You'd like to see Papa too, wouldn't you kiddo?”

Mark caught sight of the TV remote control and picked it up. He switched the television on and flicked through the planner to see what was recorded.

“Ah, here we go matey, let's see.”

He pressed play on a race saved from last year and fast-forwarded through the pre-race coverage to find a bit that showed Seb in the garage. Mark tipped Teddy a little more so he could look at the screen.

“Look darling, there's Papa. See, he's waving.”

Mark felt his heart catch at the sight. He knew it was silly when he was watching something from nearly six months ago, but Mark gave a little wave back.

“Hey sweetheart.”

He huffed a laugh, knowing that he really was losing the plot with exhaustion. Seb wasn't in a garage preparing for the start of a race. He was hopefully fast asleep in a Barcelona hotel.

“I think your daddy is going doolally lovely boy,” smiled Mark. “Your Auntie Leanne is right as usual. We'll do better tomorrow and then I think we'll be okay. Shall we just have a bit of this and then go up? Yeah? Okay then.”

Mark settled Teddy so he was resting cosily wrapped in a fold of his voluminous dressing-gown, but could still see out, Mark's arm held up by the cushion preventing it falling off by this stage.

 

He didn't know if his son could really take in what was on the screen, but Mark found it oddly comforting to keep it on. The race started up and Mark pointed out to Teddy which car his papa was driving, explaining to him how that was sort of what he was doing while he was away. Teddy looked more to Mark than the television, but as the raced played out, the volume low, he slowly started to settle properly and the steady sound of the car engines and the babbling commentary in the background helped Teddy finally slip into a deeper sleep.

Mark let out a long sigh as he looked down at his sleeping son. Peaceful at last. A rueful little smile crossed his lips as Mark wondered what Sebastian would make of him using the sound of racing as a lullaby and even more what it might mean that it worked.

“Ah well sweetheart,” Mark whispered. “Just white noise isn't it?”

He flicked off the television, knowing the result already of course. Mark carefully stood up, keeping Teddy as undisturbed as possible to get him upstairs to place him into his crib miraculously without a stir. That done, Mark crawled into bed and gratefully fell asleep himself.

 

 

 

 

 

Early next morning Mark tried to play down things when he spoke to Seb prior to him commencing his day testing. He didn't want him to feel guilty about being away working, but Mark didn't want to lie either, so he did tell him they'd had a bit of a rough night.

“I ended up calling my sister,” Mark admitted.

“Oh Liebling I'm sorry.”

“Not your fault. It's fine. I just needed a friendly ear for a moan and a bit of advice.”

“You could have called me.”

Mark shook his head.

“It wasn't an emergency darling. Just a ropey night. We're fine now.”

“You look tired.”

“Cheers.”

“Sorry.”

“No it's okay. I'm gonna try to be a bit more sensible today, get more naps.”

“Good. There's really nothing exciting to follow you know. We're doing some long runs first, not aiming for top speeds or anything.”

“Okay.”

Mark didn't want to say that sounded better, but it was reassuring to know Seb wouldn't be pushing the limits.

“I'll text you if I get chance,” offered Seb.

“Thanks. What time's lunch again?”

“For us one, twelve with you. I'll try to ring then.”

“Thanks. Think I might try taking the dogs for a walk.”

“Good. Okay. I'm sorry Liebling I need to go. You're sure you're okay?”

“Yep. Hope it all goes well.”

“Thanks. Bye Teddy.”

Mark held Teddy higher.

“Bye to Papa.”

“Bye Liebling.”

“Bye darling. Love you.”

“Love you too, the two of you.”

Mark huffed a laugh at the pun and Seb smiled and waved before hanging up.

That done Mark looked to Teddy.

“Right, well that's that. Papa's gonna be fine and we're not going to fret are we? No. Okay.”

He smiled and gave a little shake of his head wondering if it was normal to talk like this with your child when they couldn't answer. Mark stood up from the sofa and they went to the kitchen to properly begin their day.

 

 

Shortly before nine Pauline arrived to find Mark attempting to tidy the kitchen whilst holding Teddy. She shook her head.

“What are you doing?”

“It was a tip.”

“Ach Mark, don't be silly. That's my job.”

“I just end up dumping stuff everywhere in the night.”

“Don't worry about it. Leave those.” Pauline indicated the baby bottles. “I know how to work the steriliser.”

Mark paused and Pauline gave him a firm look, then frowned.

“You look terrible. Has he been keeping you up?”

“Mm.”

“Right, hand him over before you fall down where you stand,” Pauline insisted.

Mark paused, then did as he was told, passing his son to Pauline. Typically after all that fuss and seeming to need his father constantly in the middle of the night, Teddy gave not a murmur at being given over to someone else in the morning. Pauline looked at the baby.

“Your poor daddy's quite worn out.”

“I'm okay.”

Pauline raised an eyebrow, not fooled for a moment.

“How much sleep did you get?” she challenged.

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno.”

“Not a lot,” Pauline presumed.

“Mm.”

“You look absolutely done in.”

They looked at one another for a moment, then Pauline made a decision.

“This won't do. You can't be running yourself into the ground on your own. I'll look after him for a bit and you go have a rest.”

“Oh Pauline, I can't ask that of you. You're not here to babysit.”

“I'm here to help. The hoovering can wait. Why don't I have him for an hour and you can go have a lie down without worrying.”

Mark paused. Teddy was quiet. He wondered if the baby might not have a lie down in his crib himself, but a proper break was tempting.

“Go on,” insisted Pauline. “You go up. We'll be fine down here won't we chick?”

Mark only hesitated another moment.

“You'll come and get me if he needs me.”

“Of course. We'll only be in here or the lounge. I've no doubt you'll hear him if he's making trouble anyway.”

Mark smiled.

“I'm sure. Okay. Well just an hour if you're sure.”

“I'm quite sure. You do trust me don't you?”

Mark nodded. Pauline was as good with the baby as either of their mothers had been and Teddy was well used to being with her.

“Alright, well he shouldn't need a bottle for a while, but if he needs changing...”

“Then I can change him. I've done plenty in my time believe me. It's not so long ago they didn't have Pampers when my Tom was a baby dear.”

Mark was pretty sure he'd hear if Teddy needed a nappy change and he could always leap in. He leaned to kissed the top of his son's head.

“Be good for Auntie Pauline. I'll just be upstairs.”

“We'll be fine. I'll just have a little tidy, then sit down with him.”

Mark gave Pauline a nod then before Teddy could notice his father leaving the room Pauline swept around to look at the mess of used bottles piled on the kitchen counter.

“Now then, let's tidy these. Can you count with me chickadee? One bottle, two bottles...”

Mark smiled as she held the baby in one arm whilst tidying the bottles with her other hand like a pro.

 

It was an hour and a half before there was a knock on the bedroom door and Mark sat up, climbing out of bed to pull on some tracksuit bottoms and a hoody over his t-shirt.

“Come in,” he beckoned.

Pauline opened the door, entering the room carrying Teddy.

“Look, here's Daddy.”

She passed the baby over and Teddy pressed into Mark.

“Have you been good darling?”

“He's been my little helper,” assured Pauline.

Mark smiled, then looked at the time and tsk'd.

“Pauline it's half ten.”

“You needed a rest. He's been fine. Now then. I'll just do a quick clean and leave you to it unless you need anything more.”

“Oh you've done plenty.”

“Just a few bits. I'll stick a wash on if you're alright to take it out later?”

“Course, um about that...”

 

 

 

By lunchtime Mark felt rather better, though when Sebastian rang he felt the need to excuse leaving Teddy with Pauline.

“It was just for a bit.”

“Liebling it's fine. Oh you did look awful this morning.”

“Did I?”

Seb nodded.

“I'm so sorry leaving you on your own,” he apologised.

“Well not quite on my own am I? Auntie Pauline's around to save the day.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I'm glad she is.”

“You don't mind me leaving him with her?”

“Course not. He loves Auntie Pauline.”

Mark smiled at Teddy.

“Yeah you do, don't you mate. Know which side your bread's buttered there.”

“What will you do this afternoon?” enquired Seb.

“Um, take that walk next I think, get some fresh air, have our lunch and then see if we can manage another nap.”

“Sounds good.”

“I will check-in between.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Liebling it's fine. I think it's gonna rain this afternoon so I don't even know how much we'll be out.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, bit annoying really seeing as we've been going well so far.”

“Mm, well that's good at least.”

“Yeah I guess. I'll text if I get chance and then I think just ring at the end of the day.”

“And then you'll be coming home.”

They both smiled at that.

“Can't wait,” admitted Seb.

“Me too, just make the most of today and we'll see you tonight.”

“It'll be late-ish,” warned Sebastian. “Ten I should think at the earliest.”

“Doesn't matter.”

“Okay. I'd better go grab some food. Have a nice walk and a rest. Love you both.”

“Love you too darling. See you soon.”

Once they'd hung up Mark looked to Teddy.

“Papa home soon kiddo. That's good isn't it? Right, let's get that walk while he's having his lunch and then we'll get ours.”

 

 

Twenty minutes later Mark sat on the bench at the top of the hill, Teddy in his carrier on his front, the dogs milling about snuffling into the undergrowth. In contrast to the forecast rain in supposedly sunny Spain, the weather in southern England was clear and dry, the sky as bright blue as Teddy's eyes. Mark took in a good lungful of clean air, then angled his head to smile at his son.

“Always listen to your Auntie Leanne kiddo, your Auntie Pauline too. Reckon they pretty much always know best.”

Mark pulled out his phone to text thanks to his sister hoping she wouldn't have been in bed for long, then texted good luck to his husband, resolving only to do occasional checks of the testing updates through the afternoon. Mark told himself not to hope for rain seeing as Seb and the team needed the running. Though Mark worried when his husband was in the car, he knew Seb wanted to make the most of his time there and seeing as he had gone all that way, to waste it sitting around was no good. Either way, he had to be calmer about it all to stop his fears transmitting to his son. The dogs came over with a stick looking hopeful and Mark took it to throw into the distance. As much normality as possible. That was what they all needed.

 

 

 

Mark wasn't sure if it was just that Teddy liked a good afternoon nap or that the fresh air from their walk really had helped, but he certainly appreciated getting some sleep before his son woke him requiring another feed. Not long after that he was back upstairs sorting out a nappy change in the nursery. As Mark picked Teddy back up he held him into his chest, smoothing over his back to soothe him.

“Right darling. You're all sorted now.”

As Teddy snuffled his face into his father's shoulder and Mark looked to him, thinking he didn’t look too happy.

“C'mon now mate, don't be upsetting yourself again.”

He rubbed over his back, wondering what might cheer Teddy up. Mark was looking for the toy dinosaur when he spotted the penguin Seb had bought him. He picked it up then decided to take the matching book. He really needed more hands, but Mark managed to filch out the corner of the paperback and hung onto both items as they went back downstairs. He placed them on the coffee table next to the open laptop and just took a quick look at the page of scrolling updates on testing, nodding unconsciously to see that running was back up after a rain spell, but all seemed well.

“Papa's fine kiddo,” Mark assured their son.

Mark gave the baby a smile, then decided to move so he wasn't tempted to keep looking at the computer the whole time. He picked up one of the bigger cushions and shifted to sit on the floor near where the dogs had settled.

“Hello boys,” greeted Mark.

He put the cushion on his lap, then placed Teddy down to lie facing him. Mark made sure the baby was safely nestled in before turning slightly to grab the book and toy penguin from the coffee table behind him. He smiled down at the baby as he showed him the toy.

“Look darling; penguin, and oh look, baby chick!”

He huffed a laugh as he popped the fluffy little chick out of the felt egg to show Teddy, setting the big penguin to balance stood against his chest by Teddy’s feet so the baby could see both. Teddy seemed to reach for the pale grey chick so Mark danced it about to see if he could make him smile, leaning over to bring his face closer to his son's.

“Teddy chick. Do you want to hold him mate? Hm? We'll just put him here shall we?”

Mark put the little chick on the baby's tummy, then picked up the book he had placed on the floor beside him.

“Shall we have a story darling?”

Teddy murmured so Mark nodded, opening up the picture book. Shadow and Simba to their side. He gave them a little wink.

“You can listen too boys if you're good.”

Mark showed Teddy the first page of the story, talking him through the illustrations before holding it at a slight angle so he could read it and show the baby the pictures at the same time. He knew Teddy was far too young to really appreciate it. Though those bright blue eyes looked right back up, Mark was fairly sure his son was looking at him more than the illustrations, enjoying the attention and his father's frequent smiles and eye-contact between turning the pages. Mark didn't even realise before he began that he actually had a story-telling voice, soft and friendly, bouncing along naturally with the rhythm of the text to entertain his little boy even if he had no understanding of the words being said.

It didn't matter though. It felt nice, and in an odd way Mark found the experience soothing to himself too, just as he did when he sang or hummed to his son in the night. When he got to the part in the narrative when the zookeeper found an egg needing caring for by the penguin couple, Mark smiled to Teddy, feeling a little emotional.

“See that was us darling, me and Papa. We wanted an egg, well, a baby so we could have a family.”

He got to the part where the egg hatched and grinned, picking up the toy chick to show Teddy again.

“Baby chick! Look Teddy, that's you, well sort of. Papa and I were so happy when you came to us.”

He looked back to the page, telling his son how he and Seb were like the penguins in the book who were found a baby to adopt.

“And we called you Teddy, that's a little bit like Tango isn't it? Both 'T's anyway, and you have two fathers like he does. Only you don't have two daddies, you have one daddy and one papa. We take you swimming too don't we kiddo? Don't feed you fish though, not sure that'd be a good idea, not yet anyway.”

Teddy opened and closed his mouth, then blew a spit bubble, making Mark laugh. He tickled the baby's tummy and smiled even wider as Teddy smiled back.

“You're our very special chick, our baby, and we're a family, even if we are a little bit different like they were. Yeah, bit different, but don't worry about it mate, we'll be just fine.”

 

The baby smiled again and Mark thought how Seb would love to see it, so he dug his phone out from his pocket and took a picture, first just of the baby, then with the toy chick and penguin placed on the cushion either side of him.

MARK: Teddy says he's looking forward to Papa Penguin coming home soon.

Mark pressed send, then laughed to himself.

MARK: Tho seriously, don't bring fish back with you. Teddy and I have discussed the matter and we're sticking with milk.

He looked at Teddy.

“Daddy's being silly again kiddo, but hopefully Papa will get it.”

Mark stroked Teddy's cheek.

“He'll be home soon darling. Home soon and then our family will be all together again.”

He sighed, thinking that two days and nights really had felt a lot longer.

“Home soon,” he repeated wistfully. “Papa home soon.”

 

 

By the time Seb got to finish up and change out of his race gear he found the texts waiting for him. He smiled at the messages and pictures, huffing a laugh at the last message from Mark before taking a picture of his wrist and sending it in reply.

SEB: No fish? What about this one?

A text in reply popped on his phone just as Sebastian was about to head back out.

MARK: Ok, just that one darling. Can't wait to see it and you. All good then?

SEB: All good. Just need to finish up here. I'll let you know ETA when I get to the plane.

MARK: Righto, love you.

SEB: Love to you both. See you soon.

Sebastian was tempted to call his family so they could have a proper chat, but he still had work to do. He had to go out for a last round up chat with the media, then a final de-brief with the team. Seb could have happily missed out the first part, but with the engineers he felt he needed to fulfil his duties properly so that they could continue their work developing the car for the new season with Daniel the following day.

He did feel lighter already though and whilst Britta remained on full guard with the press, Seb was starting to feel a bit more used to having his radar attuned for any question that might relate to his family that he needed to avoid. They were getting less though. Britta knew her stuff and Sebastian trusted her when she said the paddock press were getting the message. He did wonder whether she had followed-up with anyone who had pushed things behind the scenes, but Seb wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know. With the additional media presence there would be at actual races he suspected things weren't over yet, but it was encouraging. He sent a quick text back to Mark then got ready to go back to work. Sooner he got on with it, the sooner he would be done and the sooner he would be home.

 

 

 

 

Mark knew he should have gone to bed, but he ended up bringing the crib down into the lounge after dinner, putting Teddy down while he sat watching a bit of TV, the dogs on the floor in front as if they were watching too. When Seb had rung before setting off he had said it was looking as though half nine was his approximate ETA so Mark decided he would just wait up. However with the television turned down low to encourage Teddy to sleep and the room warm with only the lamps lit, Mark found himself getting sleepy. Within half an hour of settling down he was slumped sideways on the sofa, as out for the count as the baby who lay safely in his little bed beside him.

It was only when the dogs jumped up barking that Mark jerked awake, sitting in a hurry as the baby starting crying at the disturbance. Mark rubbed at his face, then lifted Teddy out to hush him.

“Shh darling. It's okay.” He looked at the dogs now stood wanting to get into the hallway. “Boys be _quiet_. You're upsetting Teddy.”

Mark stood up. The curtains behind him were closed but he could hear a car pulling onto the drive.

“It'll be Seb. Behave or I'll send you into the kitchen.”

Shadow and Simba immediately quieted and dropped down in chagrin. As Mark got closer to them he paused stroking over Teddy's back to look at the dogs instead.

“Alright, nice and calm now,” he reminded them.

He looked back to Teddy and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Papa's home.”

Mark smiled broadly, giving the baby a tiny jig up in his arms and Teddy let out a little noise.

“Yeah mate, let's go see.”

Mark opened the lounge door and they went out into the hall to greet Seb, waiting at the front door as the driver helped Seb bring over his bags before giving his leave and departing. Seb said goodbye, but all his attention was really on his family gathered to meet him. He left the bags where they sat and stepped inside.

“Hey sweetheart,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian put his arm around his back and the other round his front to include Teddy, leaning in to kiss both of them in turn. Mark kissed him back.

“Ah Liebling,” sighed Sebastian happily.

“Missed us then?” Mark teased.

Seb let go of them and simply nodded.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Us too.”

“Oh I'm _so_ glad to be home.”

 

Mark huffed a laugh as the dogs pressed in too, Sebastian giving them a rub hello before turning to bring his things inside.

“I've no free hands,” apologised Mark.

“It's fine.”

Seb dumped his bags in the hall as Mark stood out of the way, beckoning the dogs back so Sebastian could shut the door. He removed his coat and shoes, then looked back to them waiting.

“Alright then?” checked Mark.

“Bit knackered,” Seb admitted.

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Tell me about it.”

“Oh Liebling, sorry. Here.” Sebastian took Teddy and gave him another kiss. “I've missed you so so much Schatz.” He looked back up to Mark. “I mean you too,” he added quickly.

“Course. Come on, let's sit down.”

 

They went through to settle on the sofa, the dogs trailing after them. Seb cuddled Teddy in his arms. He wanted to squeeze him tight, but the way the baby pressed his round cheek into his chest was more than enough. Mark put his arm around Sebastian who leaned in, looking up at him and smiling as Mark gave Seb another kiss before he rested his head down on his shoulder, both of them letting out long sighs of relief. Mark tilted his head to rest by Seb's and they sat in silence for a while just to absorb the feeling of being together again.

Teddy would his next feed in a bit, they would still get woken in the night and it might well get worse after their visit to the doctor's in the morning. Another week after that Sebastian would be back off again for more of the same at the second round of testing, but for now they had this and it felt truly wonderful.

 

  __

* * *


	210. Jet Lag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey up, little leap here. If you're keeping track, by this chapter we're roughly a month ahead of now. Time to head down under.

* * *

 

  


By the time they arrived in Australia both Seb and Mark were utterly worn out. A twenty hour flight with a baby not yet three months old was exhausting. They were used to Teddy waking them at all hours for feeds, but being trapped in a tin can with a screaming baby wasn't fun. They'd tried giving his bottle on take-off to distract him and help deal with the air-pressure changing, but the baby howled nonetheless. As soon as they could undo their seatbelts Seb and Mark took turns walking up and down with him in their arms, jigging him slightly to try to soothe him. They tried putting his new little noise-cancelling headphones on him that they had bought for in the paddock, but Teddy seemed uncomfortable wearing them and seeing as the only noise was the drone of the engine, his parents decided to remove them. It was easier to hold him close without them on anyway.

It was a good job that the only people they were disturbing on the flight were the crew. Neither Mark nor Sebastian thought fellow passengers would welcome them right now. Seb looked down at Teddy now lying in his arms, snuffling unhappily into his chest. He stroked over the baby's cheek and tried drying his eyes again.

“I'm sorry Schatz, I know it's not nice.” Seb sighed and looked to Mark. “Shouldn't it be levelling out now?”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno darling. It's probably just that he worked himself up a bit.”

Sebastian nodded and looked to the travel crib fixed just a couple of feet in front of them. They had brought Teddy to visit the plane a week ago so they could introduce him to the crew as well as checking everything was prepared and he had seemed quite content to be there then, but a plane on the ground was very different to one in the air.

“I suppose it's new to him,” Sebastian guessed. “Do you think he's scared?”

Mark shook his head and slipped an arm behind Seb to give him a hug where they sat.

“I don't imagine he's any idea where he is sweetheart. Just so long as he has us here Teddy knows he's safe.”

“Yeah I guess.” Seb looked down to the baby. “Shh now Teddy, it's okay. Are your ears hurting Liebling?”

He tried giving him some more of the bottle and this time Teddy did quiet a little.

“There we go,” approved Mark. “Good boy.”

  


It was quite some time before the baby settled enough to be put down though. They waited until he looked asleep before risking placing him in the crib, tucking his familiar blanket from home around Teddy so it smelled right to him. Mark and Sebastian stood looking down at him for another minute before sitting back down to get some rest themselves.

  


This spell of peace didn't seem to last very long though before Teddy was awake again, telling them he needed a nappy change, then refusing to go back down until his parents had cuddled him close for nearly an hour. Then it didn't feel terribly long before he was up again wanting another bottle and another bout of reassurance and affection from his parents until he would go down again. In addition to his blanket, they had brought Teddy's toy dinosaur and the little penguin chick to try cheering him up, but Sebastian and Mark weren't getting an awful lot of sleep.

Mark and Seb couldn't help worrying a little more seeing as Teddy hadn't reacted well to his inoculations at the doctor's. He had screamed the surgery down while the nurse patiently gave them to a wriggling and protesting baby, Mark holding him as Seb tried stroking over his head to calm him. Then when they got him home Teddy had continued to make his unhappiness known, refusing his bottle in favour of crying, then crying some more because he was over-hungry and sucking frantically as he was given it again.

Then things got worse as he developed a temperature and his parents had to work hard not to panic when both the nurse and the doctor had warned them it was quite common and not a major concern. Hearing it was possible and coping with the reality was quite different however; Sitting with a howling baby, Seb holding him as Mark tried to work the little plastic dispenser to push Calpol into Teddy's mouth, hoping he wouldn't just spit it out. They'd been up half the night, both on Wednesday and Thursday, repeatedly wondering whether they really ought to take Teddy back into the doctor's or if it was a waste of time when they knew what the problem was and were already giving their son the only infant relief medication the doctor would recommend anyway.

Mark had known it was a waste of breath to tell Seb that he ought to be the one up with Teddy during this time. It was awful to see their little one in distress and Mark knew Seb wouldn't have slept for worrying. They were both relieved when the thermometer started to read lower on the Friday and Teddy's mild fever passed. It didn't matter that it was normal, or that they understood that to not give their son the protection of immunisations against deadly diseases was far worse. It still unsettled them to go through it, both Mark and Seb as well as Teddy. Only at the weekend was Sebastian persuadable to return to letting Mark take the lead in the nights ahead of his return to Barcelona later the following week and it was harder than ever for him to leave them, but leave he did.

 

At least now they were going to Australia together, but as Mark held Teddy, stood up by their seats on the plane, hushing him after a nappy change at god only knew what time of the day or night as they flew over continents on their seemingly endless journey to the other side of the world, Sebastian looked at them, wondering if they were doing the right thing by making their son go through this.

If it hadn't been Australia hosting the first race of the season then Seb knew he would have suggested Mark stay home with the baby, but as it was their trip wasn't just about his race, it was a visit home for Mark and a much-anticipated stay with his family. Poor Teddy would hopefully be happy once they got there.

  


They did get a few hours rest here and there, but as the plane descended, the change in atmospheric pressure upset the baby once more and a fresh bottle wasn't enough to make it okay. By the time they landed Seb and Mark were sure that the crew (and particularly the poor steward tirelessly helping them out with hot water for bottles and disposing of unmentionables) were as glad as they were to be off the plane at last.

It took forever to get their belongings sorted out. Even with some items that they only needed for the race weekend remaining on the plane, the hired car was packed with transferred essentials, most of which were for the baby.

As Mark fitted the folded-up pram frame down the side of the thankfully capacious boot and rearranged things again to cram the actual main part of the pram on top, he puffed a breath, then turned to Seb stood holding the baby.

“Good job we booked an estate car,” he noted.

Sebastian nodded, then looked down to Teddy who had finally caught on that he was no longer on the plane and lay pressed into his father blessedly quiet. Mark came over and stroked over Teddy's head.

“Bit of fresh air's good isn't it mate?”

“It feels warm,” commented Seb. “Do you think we should change him?”

Mark looked at Teddy in his usual long babygro.

“Nah, not that hot. Only a short drive to my folks, we can sort him out there.”

“Okay. Is his seat in?”

Mark was tempted to tell Seb to give him chance, but then holding a crying baby had hardly been an easier job than packing a car boot.

“Just give me a sec.”

He went to where he had placed Teddy's car-seat and set about fitting it properly on the back seat of the car before calling Seb over to put him in. As they clipped the belts closed around him Mark stroked Teddy's cheek.

“There we go mate, just one more little journey and we'll be right, yeah? Good lad.”

With their son safely arranged in the back, Seb and Mark climbed into the front of the car and set off. Mark glanced in the rear-view mirror as he drove, then gave Seb a smile.

“Fast asleep. Typical.”

Sebastian turned around in his seat to look through the gap. Teddy was indeed sleeping, seeming happier than he had been since they set off back in England.

 

The baby didn't wake even on being taken out of the car at his grandparents' house. He lay limply into Seb's chest as Diane peered in, all of them stood on the drive in bright sunshine quite unlike the murky drizzle of mid-March they had left at home in England.

“He's such a good little thing,” praised Diane.

Mark coughed a laugh as he looked to his parents.

“He is now,” he remarked dourly.

“Oh?”

Sebastian looked to his mother-in-law.

“He didn't much like flying.”

“Oh dear. Well, it's all new to him. Poor little thing.”

“Mm.”

Diane rubbed over Seb's arm.

“Poor you too. You do look tired dear.”

Mark raised his eyebrows.

“Ach-hem.”

“Oh, well you too Mark,” adjusted Diane. “Quite a trial I'm sure. Come inside and have a nice cup of tea and a sit down.”

Mark glanced to the parked car.

“We've got a tonne of stuff to bring in.”

“Later,” asserted his father. “I'll help. Get your breath back first. C'mon, your mother is dying to fuss over Teddy. She's waited long enough.”

Mark smiled and shook his head, but they headed in, Diane making a point of defying her husband by making tea and leaving Teddy with Seb while he slept rather than demanding her grandson right away.

 

It was only after Teddy woke and they sorted him out a bottle from the equipment quickly set up in the kitchen (which was about the only thing they had brought in so far). Diane got to have a hold of the baby to feed him while Seb, Mark and Alan set about emptying the car and putting things in the guest bedroom or elsewhere in the house. Diane beamed happily to see a pram in the hall and the crib set up in their bedroom. Seb and Mark had considered getting a travel crib, but seeing as luggage restrictions weren't an issue, bringing Teddy's usual sleeping place seemed wisest and even to them, seeing it set by the bed did make the place feel more like home.

By the time they were sat down for dinner Teddy was back with his parents, each of them taking turns to hold him while they ate and chatted.

“Your sister said they can always come here if it's easier,” related Diane.

“Ah we've got the car,” reminded Mark. “Be nice to show Teddy their place.”

“I've not been either,” commented Seb.

“Haven't you?”

“Nope. I mean not that it matters, but they've always come here.”

“Oh, well, there we go. Besides, Teddy likes travelling in the car.”

“Just not on a plane,” noted Alan.

“Not so much,” agreed Mark. “I dunno. First go, hopefully he'll get better in future.”

“He's still small really,” added Diane. “And it’s such a long flight.”

“Mm.”

“Only a hop to Melbourne,” remarked Alan. “Hardly have time to notice, will he?”

“Let's hope so,” Mark agreed.

He gave Teddy, who he currently held in one arm, a smile.

“Few days off yet, eh mate?”

“He did sleep a bit,” Seb justified.

“Yeah. Anyway, we'll see.”

Diane looked to her husband. She had warned her son that travelling long-distance with a baby might be easier said than done, but then she would have been disappointed if them hadn't come. As ever nothing came easy for them.

  


  


 

As promised, the following morning they drove to visit Leanne and her family, Diane insisting on travelling with Seb and Mark, sat on the back seat next to her grandson so she could 'keep an eye on him', while Alan was left to drive on his own rather than try to cram all of them in together. Seb and Mark made no objection despite the fact that Teddy once again slept while his grandmother assiduously watched over him. When they arrived they took out the whole seat, leaving him sleeping in-situ as the other side of the family fussed over the baby who lay completely unaware of all the attention he was attracting. Mark had set the carrier on the kitchen table at a good height for his cousins to see him.

“He's so cute!” gushed Jemma, trying to keep her voice low as her mother had instructed.

Abbey grinned at her younger brother.

“I remember when you were that small.”

“No you don't,” argued Ryan.

“I do.”

“You were three.”

“So? Shame you had to get bigger.”

Leanne shook her head.

“Behave now, don't spoil things.”

Dean tapped his middle child on the shoulder.

“Abbey stop making trouble and try making tea for your uncles instead.”

Abbey rolled her eyes, but did as she was told, filling the kettle and assembling mugs.

“He is quite cute,” allowed Ryan as he looked to his uncles stood by the baby. “How old is he now?”

“Eleven weeks tomorrow,” stated Sebastian.

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” smiled Seb.

“He's beautiful,” praised Leanne. “It's so lovely to see him properly at last.”

“Even if he's clearly not fussed to see us,” joked Dean.

Leanne tsk'd and gave her husband a look, so he set about helping out making the tea. Mark and Seb stood chatting to their family, both thinking how it was ironic that their son could be surrounded by all these people and activity without a stir after being such a nightmare on the supposedly quieter and more peaceful environment on the plane.

  


Soon they were all sat in the lounge, Teddy now awake and after a reassuring cuddle with Seb, content enough to be passed around his relatives. Even Ryan had a quick hold, his mother beside him keeping as close a watch that he was doing it safely as Seb and Mark were from the other sofa.

Can I have another go?” requested Jemma.

“He's not a toy,” reminded her mother. “Here we go Teddy, let's give you back to your papa.”

Sebastian was grateful to have the baby back, but he saw how disappointed his niece looked and shifted up closer to Mark.

“Do you want to sit here Jemma?” he offered. “He'll want a feed in a bit. Maybe you could help?”

“Ooh yes please,” she agreed, hurrying over to squeeze in beside him before her sister stole the opportunity.

Mark just smiled. He didn't think Ryan looked so keen to get involved with the baby. He took a sip of his tea, then nodded over.

“Just think Ryan, a week from now it'll be quali in Melbourne.”

His nephew sat up straighter.

“I can still go in the garage can't I?”

“Course. That's all sorted isn't it sweetheart?”

Mark looked to Seb who nodded.

“It's all arranged.”

Ryan beamed.

“Best behaviour,” reminded his mother.

“I will.”

“Course he will,” assured Dean. “As will I.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Be strange for you won't it Mark? Not to be in the garage,” noted Alan.

Diane shot him a disapproving look, but Mark didn't want Seb to be thinking about that.

“Ah it's fine. Got this young man to look after.”

“You know I can have him when we’re there,” offered Diane.

“It's fine,” repeated Mark.

His mother nearly insisted, but she saw Mark glance to Seb and guessed that the matter had been discussed and decided. Best not to interfere.  


  


When Teddy decided it was time for his bottle neither of his parents got much of a look-in feeding him with so many eager volunteers. As long as he was securely held and supplied with nice warm milk Teddy didn't seem to care so much who was holding him. Leanne and Diane weren't an issue for his parents either, but Seb and Mark supervised their nieces as they had a go, reminding them to keep the bottle tipped up properly to stop bubbles forming and taking Teddy back when he was done to wind him themselves rather than trusting that to anyone else.

Once that was sorted out they got to have lunch themselves, the whole family squashed around the dining room table, knocking elbows as they passed around the food, busily chatting about their plans and times past as Teddy sat in Mark's arm, appearing to watch on rather than sleep.

“How's the jet-lag?” enquired Dean.

“Oh well to be honest seeing as it makes no odds to Teddy whether it's day or night, I think we're used to it,” noted Mark.

“Ha, good point.”

“He just sleeps when he wants to,” Seb added.

“Not necessarily when _we_ want to,” Mark agreed.

“Mm. Anyway, I guess in a funny way it's good seeing as we're used to it.”

“Used to being knackered that is.”

Sebastian looked to him and Mark shrugged. It was true. He chubbed Teddy's cheek.

“Not your fault you're hungry is it kiddo?”

“He only woke us a couple of times last night,” commented Alan. “I was expecting far worse to be honest.”

Mark smiled at his son, then looked up to his father sat on the other side of the table.

“Yeah he's not so bad.”

“So have you got much planned?” asked Leanne.

“While we're here you mean?” checked Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Oh not really. Just catching up on ourselves.”

“They need a good rest,” asserted his mother.

“I think we'll just get a bit of sunshine in the garden, maybe take a few walks round the neighbourhood to show Teddy the sights. I think that's about all we're up to isn't it?”

Sebastian nodded in agreement.

“More than plenty,” stated Diane firmly.

  


  
  


It really _was_ plenty for Mark and Seb. Over the next few days they spent their time acclimatising Teddy to the warmer weather, sitting out in the sunshine with him dressed in more summery clothes, at least half of which had been newly supplied by Diane, a sun-hat on to protect him, even though it was only autumn in Australia and the temperatures were only in the high teens. It did feel a good deal warmer than early spring back home and Mark was particularly grateful to feel it. The winter seemed to be lasting forever in England this year and even with their walks and runs and occasionally sitting out in the garden, he had started to feel a little housebound.

Sebastian insisted on smothering their son in suncream despite it not feeling all that hot. Teddy wasn't keen and kicked his little bare legs, squirming and wriggling as Mark held him and Seb fought determinedly to make sure he was protected.

“Don't spose he'd like it if it was really hot,” noted Mark.

Seb nodded as he wiped his hands over his own arms to get rid of the excess cream.

“Do you think he'll be okay in the summer?”

“Hm? Our summer you mean?”

“Yeah.”

Mark laughed.

“Might not even get as warm as this.”

“It might,” argued Seb. “Remember how hot it was for our barbecue.”

“I suppose. Oh well, we'll get a sunshade, put a big brolly up.”

“Mm.” Seb frowned a little. “Liebling will you want to go on holiday?”

“Hm? Me?”

“In the break I mean. We usually do, but...”

Mark looked to Teddy who was still settling back down to lie more calmly with him.

“We don't need to for me. What about you?”

Seb scrunched his face.

“I don't know. I mean we've had lovely holidays the past couple of summers, but I'm not sure I'd want to take Teddy somewhere hot.”

“Mm. Maybe not,” agreed Mark.

“I know he'd probably love the beach,” conceded Sebastian.

Mark looked to Teddy, adjusting his sun-hat that had gone askew.

“Ah well I reckon we can sort that ourselves,” he suggested, “get a sandpit and paddling pool in the garden, make our own fun when the sun decides to shine without all the fuss of going away.”

Sebastian smiled.

“That sounds nice Liebling.”

“Great, there we go then. 'sides I'm not sure he's too enamoured of travel. Think we'll be doing quite enough of that as it is. If the summer break's gonna actually be a break let's just stay home, yeah?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “And we've got the christening and barbecue.”

“Exactly. Plenty to keep us busy.”

Neither one of them wanted to acknowledge that those two events were being planned with the hope that they would be celebrating their being granted official adoption of their son by then. To talk about that would be to consider the idea that there was a possibility that it might _not_ happen and neither of them could bear that, so they preferred not to discuss that. Mark lifted Teddy higher and smiled to him.

“Just think of the fun you'll have with the doggies when you're a bit bigger kiddo.”

Teddy smiled, then patted haphazardly at Mark's mouth making both his parents laugh as they wondered what he was trying to communicate. Approval of their plans hopefully. Diane came out carrying a tray of lemonades as she and Alan came to join them in the back garden, making the most of the time they had together.

  


 

 

  


Too soon it was time for them to repack all their things on the Wednesday afternoon, ready to head on to Melbourne with enough time to settle into the hotel before Seb had to go to the track the next day to prepare with the team and to do all his media duties. Teddy wasn't thrilled to be back on a plane, but the journey was thankfully short this time and soon they were placing him in his rehoused crib in their large hotel suite. It seemed Teddy had worn himself crying seeing as there was so little time between take off and landing on the short hop south, so now he slept, helpfully giving his parents a break while Mark and Seb set about organising everything that the obliging hotel staff had ferried up from the new hire car.

The hotel suite organised by the team logistics department came with a sitting/dining area that could be separated from the bedroom by two sliding doors with a unit to the side that was handy for setting up all of Teddy's bulky bottle making equipment. They'd have to get water from the bathroom, but there was a kettle so they could keep that filled to hand and the large amount of space was good when they had things such a pram to accommodate.

 

Once they finally had everything sorted and their clothes put away so it was all done while they had the chance, Seb and Mark sat down on the end of the bed, looking at Teddy in his crib.

“Whooff,” huffed out Mark.

Sebastian laughed and leaned into Mark's side.

“God I never realised how easy we had it before.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“These dividing doors are good. At least I can take him through.”

“Mm.”

“I guess if it's really bad I can take him for a walk through the hotel.”

“That wasn't what I meant Liebling.”

“Well we'll see. Now then, you're sure you'll be okay on your own tomorrow?”

“Course. It won't be a super long day anyway. Just the afternoon. I think I should be able to get back by six.”

“Okay.”

“What will you do?”

Mark pushed out a long breath and glanced out of the large window at the blue sky marred only by a few clouds.

“Dunno. If it sticks like this I guess I'll just take him for a stroll in the pram, find somewhere to sit by the river.”

“That sounds nice.”

Mark turned his head and gave Seb a kiss.

“We could always have an evening stroll too. It's not far to the river from here. Get dinner sent up when we get back and grab an early night.”

“Yeah I'd like that.”

“Good. There we go then.” Mark looked at his watch. “It's seven already. Why don't we do the same with dinner now while the going's good?”

Sebastian nodded. They should be able to see Teddy where he lay from the table just through the wide opened doors, nice and straight-forward for once.

  


  


  


It was hardly a surprise to be woken in the night, but as they both sat up it took them a moment to remember where they were. Mark took a deep breath and rubbed over his face.

“I got it.”

He climbed out of bed to pick Teddy up. They'd left the bedside lamp on as they did at home, so Seb watched as Mark rubbed over their son's back.

“Alright, alright mate,” he soothed. Mark looked to Sebastian still sat up. “Go back to sleep sweetheart.”

Seb opened his mouth to say he wasn't driving the next day, but Mark had swept out, closing the doors in turn leaving Seb alone in the bedroom. He let out a long sigh, then lay back down. Seb could hear his son crying, only slightly muffled by the partitioning doors. He closed his eyes, a tired part of his brain wondering if it was a nappy change or bottle cry. Either way Mark would handle it.

A few feet away Mark was indeed handling it. Handling the baby on the changing mat as he checked him before picking Teddy up to make him a bottle up instead. It felt strange not to be trooping down to a kitchen to do so, but there were disadvantages as well as advantages to the proximity.

“Shh now darling. Papa needs his sleep,” hushed Mark. “Milk in a mo. Nearly ready.”

As soon as it was done Mark sat down in one of the comfortable armchairs in the lounge area, Teddy lying sucking on his bottle, now thankfully quiet. Mark rested his head to the side where the retro design chair had a little wing sticking forwards presumably for just such a purpose. He really could sleep where he sat. Mark closed his eyes, then forced them open again. He might not be jet-lagged due to the change in location, but Mark felt pretty much permanently jet-lagged these days. Thank god they weren't rushing off anywhere in the morning.

  


 

  


It was only after eleven on the Thursday that Sebastian set off for the circuit at Albert Park a short drive away. He felt a little guilty that Britta would have been hard at work already, possibly for a couple of days as the rest of the team had, but he hadn't wanted to rush off and leave Mark with Teddy until he had to. It had been tempting to leave it longer, get lunch and then head in, but Seb thought that was pushing it a bit.

“I'll grab lunch there.”

“Righto. I guess I'll get something sent up,” agreed Mark.

“Okay, well... I should go.”

Mark nodded and leaned in to give Seb a kiss before Seb returned it and kissed Teddy in Mark's arms.

“You'll be fine, right?” checked Mark.

“Sure. Only bits of media. It's Dan who's got the press conference.”

“Course, local boy.”

“Exactly. Well, have fun this afternoon.”

“We won't be doing anything exciting sweetheart.”

“Okay. You'll have your phone?”

Mark smiled.

“Of course, but are you likely to need to call?”

“No, but...” Seb shrugged. “I dunno. Just in case.”

Mark nodded. He couldn't think what that emergency case might be, but there was no point arguing.

Sebastian took a deep breath, then shouldered his work bag and headed off. He was already dressed in his RedBull gear which he knew might get a bit of attention, but it would save time at the other end and going via the basement garage of the hotel rather than the front door would mean bypassing any fans or press lurking about.

  
  


When it was Mark's turn to go out, he by contrast wore the most anonymous clothing he had: old jeans, t-shirt, hoody and a plain cap paired with sunglasses. As they went down in the lift Mark looked in at Teddy in his pram and gave him a smile.

“We're just gonna have a little explore while Papa's working.”

There was more than one team staying at this particular hotel and as Mark exited the lift into the entrance lobby he could see a small group of fans loitering out in front through the glass doors. He looked down at the baby, then turned the pram towards the reception desk to speak to the girl there.

“Hi, um, just wondering, is there a side entrance to this place?” Mark enquired.

“Oh, yes you can get out via the hotel bar exit, but it takes you round the corner.”

Mark smiled.

“Perfect. Thanks.”

He followed her pointed directions to find the bar, cutting straight through it and managing to hold the door open as he backed out with the pram onto the pavement. There was a step, but seeing as he manoeuvred the front doorstep at home almost every day, it didn't phase him. Once out Mark looked at the map on his phone to check which way he should go and was glad to see that the route to the riverside was away from the front of the hotel which faced towards the centre of the city. He unhooked his sunglasses from the top of his t-shirt and put them on, then pulled the hood of the pram up, partly to feel that Teddy was shielded from prying eyes and partly to shield him from the sun. They were so used to keeping their son warm that it felt strange not to tuck blankets over him and keep the cover clipped on, but Teddy seemed quite happy to get fresh air and to freely move his little arms and legs about.

Mark set off, crossing a couple of blocks before coming to a busy road where he waited at the traffic lights to get to the other side where a nice big park opened up ahead. Mark kept his cap pulled low and avoided making too much eye-contact, but there were plenty of families enjoying themselves spread across the grass and there was a nice atmosphere. He continued along the path cutting across towards the wide river now in sight, reaching the riverbank and pausing to look in each direction to decide which way to go.

“Whatcha reckon matey? Not much in it.”

Mark turned left and continued on his way. It felt as though he ought to have the dogs trotting alongside. He thought they'd enjoy having somewhere new to explore, though they'd have to be on leads. It wasn't busy seeing as it was early afternoon mid-week, but plenty of the benches were occupied. Mark got a few looks, but nobody leapt up to accost him or demand an autograph or a selfie so he thought it possible the looks were more about him being a man walking alone with a baby when Mark had to admit he didn't pass another, though there were plenty of mums about with their young children and babies. Maybe on a Saturday there might be more dads in evidence, but Mark was used to being a bit unusual.

 

He carried on walking at a gentle pace, nowhere he needed to be for a couple of hours. Passing a mobile coffee stand he bought himself a drink and walked on a bit until he picked out an empty bench, lifted Teddy out to hold in one arm while he drank from the takeaway cup on the other side, hoping that the lidded cup meant spilling it was unlikely. Mark smiled at Teddy, talking to him as he pointed out things to look at on the river.

It passed a surprising amount of time, particularly when the weather was pleasant. There were a few clouds and a bit of a breeze by the water, but Teddy was happy and it was a nice place to be. It was really only as he noticed that the coffee he was sipping had gone cold that Mark considered how long they had been there. He set his cup down on the bench and checked his watch: quarter to three.

“Wow, how'd that happen eh?” Mark asked Teddy. “Shall we go on a bit?”

He placed Teddy back into the pram and carried on along the path. According to the map it went for miles alongside the river here, beyond the park they had left behind them and past some river-front tourist attractions, behind buildings at the edge of the city before reaching yet another park to stroll through with another huge park on the other side of the river. Mark was just thinking how the city of gardens lived up to its name when Teddy began crying. He stopped and leaned in to check his nappy which was rather easier when he wasn't so covered up. Mark wasn't too surprised that wasn't it seeing as he had changed him just before they left their hotel room. He ducked down and reached for the baby-bag tucked in the tray under the pram. There was a made up bottle, but it was no good cold. Mark put the bag back then wheeled around to head back to the coffee stop a few hundred yards back.

“Another coffee?” smiled the woman running the stand.

“Ah, no I've got a favour to ask,” admitted Mark. “Don't spose you've got anything I could warm a bottle in?”

She peered out at the crying baby.

“Oh dear. Doesn't look a happy chuck.”

“No. So, um can you help? It just needs to sit in hot water.”

The woman nodded, then started looking what she could use as Mark got the bottle back out. She tried sitting it in a paper cup, but they were too narrow, so instead the woman filled one of her jugs and placed the bottle in. Mark thanked her, then stood waiting a little awkwardly, exchanging a bit of conversation about the weather. He wondered if she recognised him. Seeing as in previous years during his F1 tenure his face had been plastered around the city ahead of the race here to publicise it, Mark suspected she did, but the woman gave no obvious sign and he was relying on her kindness, so perhaps her not saying anything about it was another kindness. It was only a twenty minute walk back to the hotel, but the sooner the better as far as Teddy was concerned.

A minute or two later Mark was thanking her again as he checked the bottle and set off to find another bench to sit on where he could feed his son. As he did so Mark reflected that this would at least be simpler at the track where he would be based in RedBull hospitality, with all their facilities and amenities to hand, though the other guests might not appreciate Teddy crying. Not that he was currently. Now he had his bottle the baby was quite content. Mark smiled down at him, gazing into those blue eyes that looked back up.

“That's better isn't it sweetheart? I hope you're going to be good tonight. Papa's got to drive tomorrow and it's really important we don't keep him up.”

Mark sighed and stroked Teddy's cheek. It wasn't his fault he woke his parents crying in the night. If Teddy was hungry or needed changing, then he was in discomfort and it was the job of those who loved him to take care of him. Primarily at the moment that meant Mark and he didn't resent it. The only real issue he foresaw was if the baby wouldn't settle quickly. Then he really might have to take him off somewhere else in the hotel so Seb could sleep which wouldn't be much fun in the middle of the night and Seb wouldn't like either, but then perhaps he didn't have to know?

  


  


 

Come three am Mark was wondering if he had cursed himself by thinking about a worst case scenario. Teddy was bawling after a messy nappy change and a bottle did little to calm him. Mark stood in the lounge area of their suite, jigging the baby in his arms.

“Shh darling, shh-shh. Please, Papa needs rest.”

He looked at the baby lying into his shoulder and sighed at his screwed up little face.

“C'mon now, you're all clean. What's the matter?”

Mark rubbed over his back, then tried lowering him down into his arms and sitting back in the armchair to offer him the bottle once more, but Teddy wasn't going for it. He glanced over at the rolled shut doors and knew there was no way Sebastian could be sleeping through this. It wouldn't do. Come midday Seb would be behind the wheel of an F1 car, whizzing past walls and barriers that came close on the temporary street track around Albert Park. No place to drive tired, not that anywhere was. Mark puffed a breath and stood once more, grabbing up one of his hoodies abandoned on the side before shoving his feet into trainers and as silently as possible, opening the door to the corridor.

He took the bottle with them, thinking he might need it, and walked along the hallway. Mark hoped Seb didn't investigate the silence and panic at them being missing. Surely he'd think Teddy was feeding and would go back to sleep untroubled? Mark didn't think any of the other guests would thank him as he walked past their doors so he went to the lift and went down a few floors to where he spotted the word 'Atrium' listed on the map of the hotel attached to the lift wall.

Exiting the lift he turned left and found what was really a sitting area with a small bar to the side that was currently closed for the night. There was a huge plate glass window looking out across the city and the river, plenty of lights still sparkling in the distance. The main lights in this area were switched off, but the light from the passageway behind provided enough illumination so Mark went over to find a comfy-looking seat near the window, settling down with Teddy who was still fussing in his arms.

“C'mon mate, that's enough of that.”

Teddy sniffled, all wet eyes and pouting little mouth that made Mark sigh.

“Have your bottle,” Mark instructed, placing the teat in his mouth only for Teddy to push it out. “No? Pff, I dunno sweetheart, what's up?”

No answer came except slightly lower crying and Mark sighed again, setting the bottle by his feet. He found a way to place the hoody on his lap and wrapped the fleecy inside around the baby so at least he was cosy and warm. Mark gazed out at the view, thinking how beautiful it was even when he would far rather be in bed. Hearing Teddy still making little noises Mark looked back to him and shook his head.

“I thought we'd agreed you would sleep tonight? Hmm?”

Mark smiled, glad that there was no one around to hear him effectively talking to himself in the middle of the night.

“Ah sweetheart, calm yourself. We had such a nice evening didn't we? We showed Papa where our walk is that we've found and we all had a nice dinner and we gave you a little bath in the sink. You were such a good boy for Daddy and Papa.”

All he got back was more pouting and a scowling face. It made no sense to consider that back home this would be the afternoon, not early hours of the morning. Seeing as Teddy usually took a nice nap at that point he ought to be asleep now. Mark puffed a long breath then leaned further back into the deep cushioned chair. He swapped sides with the baby and placed Teddy to lie at an angle across his chest, one arm holding him up and the other gently cradling his head. The baby wiggled slightly, then settled and Mark looked down at him, feeling Teddy's body breathing in and out against him starting to slow. Mark took deep slow breaths to encourage the baby to do the same. He was little low like this and Mark could do with a cushion to rest him on, but he wasn't about to move now Teddy was quiet.

 

Instead he leaned a little further back so Teddy was lying his weight on him, his round cheek pressed into his father's chest as he faced inwards. Mark angled his head to look and then smiled as he realised that his son's ear was now placed directly over his heart. Teddy was listening to his heart beating through Mark's thin pyjama t-shirt. Mark let out a silent chuckle.

“Ah kiddo. How could it have taken me this long to think of this trick? Hm? Works with Papa too.”

Mark shook his head. The angle was a little unnatural compared to how he normally held the baby, but it was only a minor adjustment. Quite frankly Mark thought he would happily stand on one leg and hop up and down whilst holding his son if only it would help him go to sleep.

“Does it feel nice lovely boy?” whispered Mark. “Is it reassuring to know I'm here? I'll always be here sweetheart. I know we're in strange places lately, but Daddy's always here. Yeah, I'll always be here.”

He dipped his head to kiss the top of Teddy's then let out a long sigh, mostly of relief. He might be knackered, but at least he had something else to try when his little boy wouldn't sleep.

Mark left it a while until he was quite certain his son was fast asleep, then he slowly sat up, taking great care to ensure Teddy wasn't disturbed as he stood and walked out through the scattered chairs and tables back towards the lift to return to their room. It was a bit tricky to get the door unlocked but Mark was grateful he had remembered to put the key-card in his pocket or he would have wasted all his good work having to either wake Seb or traipse down to reception to be let in. As it was he managed to get in and let the door shut quietly before sliding open one door to the bedroom. Mark paused, smiling to see Sebastian fast asleep in bed just as he'd hoped. He carefully eased Teddy down into the crib, then puffed a relieved breath before slipping into bed himself.

 

As he did so Sebastian let out a soft noise and moved about slightly. Mark stroked over his arm under the duvet.

“Just me sweetheart.”

Sebastian's eyes flickered half open.

“Teddy,” he murmured.

“Fast asleep darling. All fine. Go back to sleep.”

Seb shifted to lie into Mark as he so often did, lifting up to lie half across his chest, his ear over Mark's heart to hear it beating to tell him he was home, even if they were far away. Mark wrapped his arms around Seb and gave him a gentle squeeze. He smiled to himself as his loved ones slept. Like father like son. Now there was one tip his sister hadn't given him.

  


  


  


  


The next morning they set off fairly early for the circuit, Seb driving despite the fact he would be doing plenty of that in a couple of hours’ time. At least with the later start of events in Melbourne it wasn't the crack of dawn, but Mark had to admit he did feel tired. Even if Teddy had been better through the rest of the night he had still been up more than once. He didn't want to complain about it to Seb though, particularly when Mark knew Seb needed to be in a good frame of mind for his first day of driving at the start of both the weekend and the season as a whole. For now Teddy was on his best behaviour, sat in his seat in the back of the car as they made the short journey from their hotel to Albert Park.

Seb had already been to check out the additional entrance away from the main one the day before, so they knew where they needed to go. The site wasn't yet open to the public this early, but there could possibly be members of the media waiting there. It felt a bit strange to be sneaking in, but they didn't want Teddy to be exposed to any more attention than was completely unavoidable.

As they sorted themselves out by their parked car they were glad they had set out early seeing as they had so many things that needed bringing for their son, not just his baby bag, but an additional nappy bag seeing as his travel mat wouldn't fit in the other bag already crammed with bottles, wipes and toys. Mark held Teddy as Sebastian sorted out the pram, adding his favourite blanket as Mark put the baby in seeing as the morning was rather cooler than the ones that had come before.

“Right,” puffed Mark. “We set?”

“Just our stuff,” Seb pointed out.

“Oh, ha, yeah.”

Mark checked the brake was set on the pram before the pair of them retrieved their own bags and added them to the packed basket beneath their son.

“Honestly I reckon we need the pram just for all our stuff,” Mark noted.

“Yeah. Okay, I think that's everything.”

Mark nodded and started wheeling the pram round to face where they needed to go. The car park was already busy with team members' cars who had got here early to commence work long before nine am. Seb was in an assigned driver's parking spot but the places alongside where empty yet, though surely the others would be arriving during the next hour.

  


They set off, passes already around their necks to save time. Seb took the lead to show them where they needed to go and as they approached the make-shift paddock it seemed avoiding the main entrance was a good call seeing as it was nice and quiet. They still had to go via security and show their passes, even one for Teddy which Mark thought rather ridiculous, though at least they hadn't had to take another photograph seeing as it had been difficult enough getting the one for his passport done. Britta had sorted all of that for them. She had offered to come in with them this morning, but as she had so much work to do Seb knew she would rather get here even earlier than they were, having Teddy meant Seb thought now was quite early enough for them.

The security gates even on the out of the way entrance largely used for supplies were a bit of a pain. Their pram wasn't large, but it was impossible to take through a turnstile, so Sebastian lifted Teddy out to carry him through while they flashed their electronic passes over the security scanners and one of the guards wheeled the empty pram around the gate. There was a bit of a breeze this morning coming off the lake in the centre of the park so Seb pulled his open hoody around the baby in his arms to keep him warm. Teddy was wearing one of the outfits his grandmother had bought them; little stripy leggings and a t-shirt with a kangaroo on it as well as his own tiny blue hoody which Seb insisted wasn't team kit. The racing-suit babygro the team had bought Teddy was still far too big even though their son was fast approaching the three months the label suggested.

Mark smiled and tickled one of Teddy's socked feet.

“Little roo today aren't you matey?”

“Roo?” frowned Seb.

“Kangaroo.”

“Ah of course,” nodded Seb. “Liebling can you pull his hood up?”

“Sure.”

Mark had Teddy's ear defenders in his shoulder bag. It was quiet yet, though once the demonstrations of classic cars and air displays got underway he knew they would need them. For now his little ears only needed defending from the breeze blowing.

 

Despite the early hour they passed plenty of people about, busily setting up for the day, but they were mostly either team personnel or staff working for the race organisers and they paid Seb and Mark little attention as they went about their own important tasks. Sebastian would have put Teddy back in the pram but the baby was burying his face into his shoulder, pressing in tight and Seb didn't want to put him down, particularly when he knew he would see little of his son through the day.

 

They were just getting close to RedBull's temporary hospitality base for the weekend when Mark spotted one man with what looked like a distinctly professional camera. He was about to hint to Seb that they ought to pick up their pace and get safely inside when Mark made the mistake of looking directly at the man. As they made eye-contact Mark saw recognition there and the man hurried over, lifting his camera up. Sebastian felt a rush of panic and quickly turned away, Mark stepping deliberately in front of him and Teddy, both of them instinctively trying to shield and protect their son.

“ _Hey,_ ” snapped Mark angrily.

The photographer ignored him and stepped in closer, quickly thrusting his camera at the pram, the flash going off as he took a picture. Both Mark and Seb were so shocked that for a moment they froze, then Mark realised that the man hadn't spotted that Seb had Teddy bundled up with him and had assumed the baby was in the pram which still had the hood up blocking his view. Sebastian gasped as he looked around and it was only that shocked noise which stopped Mark from shoving the photographer out of the way.

“Go inside,” Mark instructed urgently as he looked to Sebastian instead.

Normally Seb knew Mark would never bark an order at him like that and it came as another shock, but he saw the man regathering and lifting his camera back up as he appreciated his mistake. Sebastian unfroze himself and without another word clasped Teddy tighter and rushed into the base, only stopping once he was safely inside. He stood with his back to the doors, his heart pounding. Seb tried to relax his hold on the baby so he didn't squash him, but he pressed his cheek into the side of Teddy's head, glad that with his hood up he had been hidden away. Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment, then looked at his son.

“It's okay, it's okay,” he reassured, knowing his voice must sound strange seeing as his words did not reflect how he felt at all.

Mark hadn't followed him, but Seb couldn't contemplate going back out to see what was happening, so instead he tried to calm himself down and went further on in, only glad that it was largely empty in hospitality yet.

  


Out in the paddock Mark had whirled on the man the moment he raised his camera to try to snatch a shot of Seb whisking their son inside. He slammed his hand right over the lens and glared at him.

“What the hell do you think you're doing?”

“My job.”

The photographer tried to pull his camera away but Mark had a firm grip on it and he wasn't letting go.

“Your job?” reposted Mark angrily. “Your job is to half blind a baby with your bloody flash? Bastard!”

He managed to yank the camera from the photographer, Mark gaining strength from the anger firing within him.

“Hey!” protested the man. “That's my camera.”

“Point that at my family again and you won't have one!”

The man huffed and glared back.

“Kid wasn't even in there.”

“You thought he was.”

Mark shook his head, seriously considering lobbing the camera into the distance before breaking the photographer's nose.

“Who the hell do you work for?” he demanded, trying to look at his pass around the man's neck to get his name. “You have to know you can't take pictures of him, there's an injunction, a _legal_ injunction and if you think we won't press charges you've another bloody think coming.”

“Give me my bloody camera!”

Mark knew they were attracting attention now. Thank Christ there were only a few people around this early. Reluctantly he handed the camera back, though he still wanted to smash it on the floor.

“You come near my son with it again and I'll have your job too, don't think I won't,” threatened Mark.

“I'm freelance.”

“Are you indeed _mate?”_ replied Mark acerbically. “Well word to the wise, you can't sell photos of him, we've made sure of it. You come within fifty feet of my family again and I'll make damn sure you regret it.”

The photographer went to open his mouth, but Mark was done with him. He turned abruptly away and stormed into RedBull base, a rather more difficult task when when you were pushing a pram, but he managed it. As soon as the paddock was shut off behind him, Mark stopped and closed his eyes for a moment. Damnit, damnit, _damnit_.

  


 

* * *

 


	211. The Main Attraction

* * *

 

 

 

Once inside Mark saw Sebastian turning to him from across the room, still clasping Teddy to his chest, his arms wrapped protectively around him. Mark hurried over, manoeuvring the pram through the thankfully empty tables, trying to push away the fury that bubbled beneath his skin as he saw how Seb looked pale with worry.

“Mark.”

“It's fine sweetheart, it's fine. He's gone.”

“What did you say? You didn't, I mean you didn't?”

“What? Thump him? No.” Mark repressed the urge to say he wished he had. “No sweetheart I just sent him away with a flea in his ear.”

“Oh god.” Sebastian let out an uneven sigh. His heart was still pounding in his chest, his skin prickling horribly as the blood jumped beneath. “Liebling did he get a picture?”

“No. No way. I stuck my hand over the camera.”

“Are you sure?” Seb checked.

Mark put his arm around him, looking in at their son still buried into Seb's shoulder. Mark wondered if Teddy was frightened and the thought made him angrier still. Maybe he _should_ have smashed that damn photographer's camera? That wouldn't help their son though, so Mark carefully pulled Teddy's little hood down so he could see his face and stroked over his head.

“I'm sure,” he replied as calmly as possible. “Come and sit down.”

 

They sat at one of the many empty tables, as far away from the exit as possible. Sebastian let out a shaky breath and it was only then that Teddy burst into tears. Mark lifted him away to hold him instead, deliberately keeping his expression and voice soft as he looked at his son.

“It's alright sweetheart, everything's fine.”

He thought about lifting Teddy higher to rest by his heart, but Mark's was beating as hard as Seb's was and he didn't think that would be reassuring to the baby, so instead Mark stroked over his arm.

“It's okay, shh, darling, it's alright.”

Sebastian took a deep calming breath, knowing that Mark's words were at least half for him. He pushed the air out of his lungs, then reached underneath the pram for Teddy's bag to find his toy dinosaur, holding it for the baby to see.

“Here's Dino Schatz, do you want him?” Seb offered.

Mark jigged the baby slightly in his arms as Teddy reached out towards his toy. Seb set it on his tummy so he could try grasping it with his little hands, then looked to Mark.

“You really think he didn't get anything?” he worried.

Mark shook his head.

“No. Not that he didn't try.”

Sebastian closed his eyes again to calm himself. This was what he had feared; that he would be putting their son at risk by having him come to races. Yesterday he'd had a few more of the media trying it on with personal questions during his press sessions, but Seb had thought he was doing okay continuing with Britta's plan of blanking any enquiries about his family and he knew she had given all of them another warning ahead of the weekend.

“They all know they're not allowed to do that,” he protested.

“Hm, well he said he was freelance, so maybe he just turned up today, missed the briefing?”

“He told you that?”

“Mm.”

Seb pushed out a breath.

“Maybe you shouldn't have come?”

“Sweetheart it's just one rogue guy trying it on. He had a local accent, so I reckon he's not normally part of the paddock press.”

“Did he?”

“Yeah. I didn't recognise him, did you?”

Sebastian shook his head and Mark spared a hand from holding a now quieter Teddy to take Seb's.

“He's just a bad apple. I'm sure no decent person would try that.”

“Maybe you should take Teddy home?”

“Home?”

“Well the hotel.”

Mark sighed.

“Darling we're here to support you. That's the whole point.”

“No but Liebling that doesn't matter.”

“It does.”

 

They looked at one another, neither wanting to argue when they knew they were both upset. Mark gave Seb's hand a squeeze.

“Why don't we go to your room, just catch our breath for a bit and calm down?”

“I need to go see Britta.”

“About this?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Do you want me to come?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, we need to get this sorted.”

“Alright,” agreed Mark.

He sighed as he looked down at Teddy. For a moment Mark thought how their lives were simpler before they had their son to worry about, but then he nearly laughed, their lives were _never_ simple, this was just a new issue to deal with. He gave the baby a smile, then placed him into the pram, letting Teddy keep his toy while he could watch him. Both he and Seb steeled themselves, then Sebastian lead them to Britta's office.

 

 

Britta sat with her face carefully not showing too much reaction as she listened to their report. She made quick notes so she had the details while they were still fresh.

“So you didn't damage his camera?” she checked.

“No, though he was asking for it,” reposted Mark.

“Mm, as maybe, but we just need to make sure he has no recourse against us.”

“I just set him straight.”

“Okay.”

Mark glanced to Seb.

“I may have sworn a bit, but I didn't raise my voice all that much.”

“Okay,” consented Britta, making more jottings. “Anyone overhear you?”

Mark huffed a breath.

“I dunno. A few folks were around, nobody that close.”

“Alright and Seb you just brought Teddy in?” she checked.

Sebastian nodded, looking to the pram beside them where their son lay surprisingly quietly now.

“It was over pretty quickly,” assured Mark. “And the only picture he got was of the inside of the pram, but that's disgusting, right? If Teddy had been in there...”

Sebastian was still looking at Teddy. Even the idea of a camera pushed in his face made Seb feel sick.

“That is completely unacceptable,” asserted Britta.

“How could anybody do that?” complained Sebastian now looking back to her. “The flash was so bright. It could have really hurt his eyes, even...”

He stopped and shook his head, too upset to complete that sentence. Seb wanted to find that man and scream at him. What if he really had hurt Teddy? Seb couldn't understand how anybody could be so thoughtless.

“I'll deal with it,” replied Britta firmly. “Mark you said you saw his pass?”

“Yep.”

Britta wrote down the name he gave, then nodded.

 

“Right. I will sort this. I will also speak to Christian.”

“What about?” worried Seb.

“Just so he knows. Now. You've got plenty of time, so why don't you go to your room, or maybe get a drink and just let me handle it.”

“You'll speak to that guy?”

Britta let out a dry laugh.

“Oh I'll do more than that. You however should not speak of it with anyone, even within the team.”

“Okay.”

“It's a nasty incident, but you need to put it behind you,” she advised.

Seb let out a sigh and Britta shook her head.

“I know it's easy for me to say, but you've got prep for FP1 to do in a bit and you need a clear head. You trust me?”

“Of course.”

“Right, so when I tell you I will handle this, you know I will, yes?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yes. Thank you.”

“My job. Don't let him get to you Seb, you've got an important day ahead.”

“Yeah okay.”

She looked over at the pram.

“Teddy's alright, isn't he?”

“Yeah he's okay.”

“I think it scared us more than him,” asserted Mark.

“Mm, well leave it with me,” insisted Britta.

“Thanks.”

Mark stood and Seb copied him.

 

 

When they got to Seb's room they sat on his bed for a minute, Mark's arm around Sebastian as they regathered themselves. They looked on their son lying in his pram in front of them.

“He's okay isn't he Liebling?”

“Being very good.”

“I meant...”

“I know. He's fine sweetheart. You took him inside, you protected him.”

Sebastian leaned his head down on Mark's shoulder and Mark gave him a squeeze.

“He's no idea darling, okay?”

“If he'd been in his pram.”

 

Mark just sighed as they looked at the son lying in there right now. Every time he thought about it the anger flared inside him once more. Bloody man. Mark hoped Britta threw the book at him. Thank god he'd had the presence of mind to get the worm's name.

“He wasn't though. You had Teddy safely with you, and Britta will deal with the reprobate, you know she will,” he assured Seb.

“Maybe you should go back?”

“To the hotel? _Sweetheart_.” Mark sighed again, but Seb was looking at him with those appealing blue eyes he found so hard to resist. “Darling we're here now.”

“Will you stay in here?” pressed Seb.

“In your room?”

“In the base.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“If it makes you happy.”

“It doesn't.”

Mark shook his head.

“I didn't mean that. I just... I thought you wanted us to come down and say hi in the garage?”

“But if there's more out there?”

“More media?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sure Britta is already on a crackdown. She's not to be messed with sweetheart.”

“I guess.”

Sebastian pouted and Mark rubbed over his arm.

“Tell you what, why don't me and Teddy just stick here for now, see how Britta fares? I'm sure she'll let us know.”

“Mm, I suppose.”

“You won't need to worry if we're just in here.”

“No okay,” accepted Seb. “I'm sorry Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“It's fine. We were going to be hanging around here mostly anyway.”

“Am I over-reacting?”

“No. Believe me darling. I reacted pretty strongly out there. The guy was a piece of...” Mark glanced to the baby and adjusted his word, “excrement, but he'll get what's coming to him. In the meantime we need to just get on with things, you get yourself set for FP1 and don't worry about anything else.”

Sebastian let out a short mirthless laugh and Mark shrugged.

“It's what you've got to do darling. You can do it. Teddy's fine. Britta will handle it, and you just do your thing.”

“Keep swimming?”

Mark smiled and kissed Seb's cheek.

“Pretty much. I was going to say compartmentalise, but they both work.”

“Okay.”

“You'll be alright?”

Sebastian nodded. He had no choice. As long as Mark had their son kept in here at least he’d know he was safe.

“Yeah.”

“Good. Teddy and I will be fine here, so you won't need to worry.”

“Okay.”

Seb puffed a breath, then stood to lift Teddy out of the pram so he could have a cuddle with him now he was calmer. They continued to sit in quiet for a bit, Seb working on settling himself to convince his brain that everything was okay before he switched into work mode. He gave Teddy a smile, then looked to Mark beside him. They both knew things weren't really okay, but they had to hope they would be.

 

 

In her temporary office Britta sat back down after grabbing a quick word with her boss. She had to agree that it was hardly the best start to the day, but all they could do was deal with it and try to move on and Britta had assured Christian that was what she would do. She took a sip of the coffee she had grabbed and thought things through. Word was bound to get round, even if they played it down. Gossip in the paddock was notoriously treasured currency and with little else to discuss at the very start of the season she knew this would spread like wildfire.

Britta looked at the name written on her pad. If she couldn't spin it one way to make the incident disappear, then perhaps the only thing to do was to use it as a message to the rest? Time to play hardball. She was going to cash in some favours and get his pass revoked, have him thrown out and banned from the paddock. It might be seen as harsh when he might not even have got a photo, but the threat of legal action ought to scare the organisers into acquiescing and that little detail of his flashing his camera directly into the pram of a poor innocent baby might actually work in her favour. Britta wasn't above using emotional blackmail to manipulate those in authority if it was required. Let the paddock press hear about it, they'd know she meant business now and anyone who crossed them or even _thought_ of trying anything on with the Vettel-Webbers would surely think twice in future.

 

Sebastian had left Mark behind in his room to go and prepare with the team in the garage with promises that he was fine and would concentrate on his work. It was hard not to be a little distracted though. As he had walked there Seb eyes had roved around seeking any sign of media and particularly photographers who might be lurking. There was no one by their temporary base which was a big relief as for a horrible moment Seb worried that there might suddenly be a mob waiting, but as he approached the RedBull garage there were one or two cameras pointed his way. Seb swept by them, knowing their presence wasn't really anything out of the ordinary, but he was glad he was on his own. Now he sat listening to the engineers going over their plans Sebastian realised he had drifted slightly and he shook himself internally. He needed to know this stuff and put the rest to one side for now.

Once they had finished Sebastian thanked them and got up to grab another quick word with his mechanics who were prepping the car.

“Mark and Teddy gonna come down and say hello?” enquired Mike.

Sebastian paused. He was so used to rebuffing any question of this type that he had to remind himself that these were his guys, not the media, and it was a friendly and innocent question.

“Um, maybe later.”

Mike nodded, wondering if he was imagining that Seb seemed a little off.

“Right you are. Perhaps best. Bit noisy for now.”

“Mm.”

“Sebi do you have a moment?”

Sebastian turned around to see his boss stood there.

“Oh hey Christian.”

Seb smiled but Christian subtly indicated that they should go and stand out in the rear portion of the garage out of the way.

 

“Britta spoke to me,” Christian informed Seb.

“Oh.”

“Are you alright?”

“Um, yeah. I mean I guess it was just one guy.”

“Not very nice though?”

“No.”

Sebastian looked back and him and Christian nodded. He could tell that his driver was trying not to let it seem as though he was blowing things out of proportion, but there was no way he wasn't upset by it.

“He's out,” stated Christian bluntly. “Or at least he will be soon enough.”

Seb's eyebrows rose slightly.

“She's getting him barred?”

“Britta is making calls and if she doesn't get the right answer from on high I will follow them up,” asserted Christian.

“Oh gosh, um.”

“That is what you want?”

“I guess it is.” Seb glanced back to the entrance to the main garage to be sure nobody could overhear them. “It did give us a shock. Did she tell you he put the camera right into the pram?”

Christian nodded.

“She told me. He doesn't get away with that. Nobody does, and they might as well know that right now.”

Sebastian felt relief flow through him.

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem. No one messes with my godson.”

Christian smiled and Seb smiled back, knowing it was half a joke to cheer him up, but that he meant it too.

“Right. Thanks.”

“Well it's not done yet, but I'm gonna check in with her now. You want to walk back with me?”

“Sure.”

 

As they headed back to the base it was obvious that the circuit was open to the public now as people had begun to throng about the place, but in a way that gave them more cover as a buzz of noise floated about combining conversations, engines being revved back in the garages, and a classic car display out on track running in the background all blurring out any individual conversations beyond the actual participants.

“If it's not sorted by the time we get back I'll place a call upwards,” stated Christian as they walked along.

“Upwards?” frowned Sebastian, thinking that with Bernie gone, his boss was having to cultivate new contacts and influences.

Christian gave a little tip of his head.

“New management. They won't want any negative stories at the start of their shiny new season. Alright?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yep. Thanks.”

As they entered the base Christian gave Seb a smile designed to reassure him.

“We'll have it in hand, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks. I do appreciate it.”

“No problem. Britta will meet you to go back in half an hour. Is Mark likely to be coming back with you?”

Sebastian paused.

“I think we'll just wait a bit.”

“Alright. Well you'll pass this on to him?”

“Of course.”

“Right, have a break and I'll see you back in the garage for FP1.”

 

With that Christian went off. Seb considered going to see Britta to get an update, but he judged it might be better to let her get on with things and Mark might be worrying, so he decided he ought find him. Sebastian scanned the main area of hospitality; no sign, so he continued on to his room. As he opened the door Seb nearly hit Mark with it. He was knelt on the floor busily changing Teddy's nappy. Even with the pram pushed into the corner there wasn't a lot of space.

“Oh sorry Liebling.”

Sebastian managed to enter and shut the door before joining Mark on the floor.

“I can help,” Seb offered.

“Nearly done,” Mark assured as he pulled Teddy's leggings back up. “He's lost a sock. Can you see it?”

Sebastian looked around, finding the discarded sock and fighting to get it back on their son's foot as he waggled his leg unhelpfully.

“Right,” puffed Mark as he lifted Teddy back up and looked at him. “Settle down wriggler.” He stood up and turned to Seb properly. “Everything alright?”

“Yep, think so.”

 

Sebastian set about updating Mark, even if they could agree that it sounded as though positive steps were being taken, they didn't have the confidence to think Teddy coming down to the garage was a good idea yet. Seb changed into his race gear ready for Britta coming to knock on his door.

“What will you do Liebling?”

“Now you mean?” Um, reckon we'll go get a coffee, watch FP in there,” Mark replied as he sat on the bed with Teddy as Seb fastened up his race suit.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yep,” nodded Seb.

“We can come down with you to wish you luck?” offered Mark.

Sebastian shook his head. He would like that, but right now doing so would only mean his head was filled with worries of running into more press and he didn't need that before he climbed into the car.

“Okay,” Mark agreed.

“I'm sorry Liebling.”

“No darling it's fine. No worries.”

 

Just then there was a knock on the door so Seb opened it to let Britta in.

“I'm a bit early,” she noted.

“It's fine. I'm ready to go,” Seb assured her.

“Good. Well just to let you know, I've made some calls and Christian's made a couple too, so I'm waiting on them getting back to me.”

“Right.”

“Britta I'm sorry to cause you all this work,” Mark apologised.

“No Mark, you're not the one at fault. It's in hand. For now Seb we just need to focus on practise, yes?”

“Yes,” Sebastian affirmed.

“Okay then, we might as well get going. Mark, you're staying here?”

“Ah we're gonna go watch in hospitality,” he explained, already placing Teddy down in his pram. “Good job we've no stairs here.”

 

Seb and Britta went with them as Mark found a table out of the way but still with a decent view of the TV screens which would be showing the running in FP1. Britta hung back a little as Seb helped Mark sort himself out with Teddy, making sure the baby bag was easily to hand. While they were busy a tall loping figure appeared, a seemingly erasable smile plastered all over his face.

“Hey, _finally_ ,” beamed Daniel as he leaned in to see the baby in Mark’s arms. “Here’s the little guy I’ve been hearing about.”

“Hearing about?” frowned Mark suspiciously.

“Yeah, Seb never stops going on about him,” teased Daniel innocently.

“Oh, right, course.”

Sebastian stepped back in from where he had been fetching out one of Teddy’s toys so it was there for Mark if he needed it.

“I don’t go on about him.”

Daniel laughed.

“Sure.” He dipped his face in to the baby and scrunched it around, gurning at him to amuse the baby. “Hey Teddy, I’m your Uncle Dan.”

“Sorry mate it’s true,” teased Mark.

“Hey.”

Mark just smiled back at him.

“Dan it’s good to see you. Glad to be home?”

Daniel looked back from the baby to him.

“Home? Long old trek from Perth to here mate.”

“Darn sight closer than Monte Carlo.”

“True, true.”

Daniel pulled more faces which the baby reacted to by looking to Mark instead. Mark was the one who laughed.

“Seriously mate, I’d stick with the face you’ve got, surely that’s amusing enough?”

“Ouch.” Daniel shook his head and looked back to the baby. “Mean Daddy.”

Sebastian had moved alongside Mark and had his hand on his arm.

“He’s not mean,” he defended.

Daniel stood up properly and gave a little shake of his head at Seb always sticking up for his husband.

“Only joshing. Also he started it.”

To the side Britta made a subtle cough and they all turned to look.

“Ah,” smiled Dan. “I think Auntie Britta is telling us to get a shuffle on.”

“Sorry Britta,” apologised Seb. “Coming now.”

He looked to Mark.

“So you’ll be okay in here?”

“Course.”

“Okay.”

“Well, good luck sweetheart. I'm sure you don't need it.”

“Thanks.”

Mark gave Seb a kiss, then Seb dipped in to kiss their son's forehead. He'd hoped to be doing this in the back of the garage as they used to, but this would have to do.

“Be good Schatz.”

Mark lifted Teddy a little higher.

“Ah he'll be fine. If he kicks up a fuss we'll just go to your room.”

“Okay.” Seb glanced to Britta. “I'd better go. Love you.”

“Love you too darling.”

Mark gave Seb a firm nod. It would have to be enough for now. Seb nodded back and set off. He wasn't going to look at any media he might pass, he was just going to get on with things. There was no room for any worries in the car, no room for thoughts of his family, but at least in the back of his mind he would know they were watching.

 

 

As Mark sat watching the television coverage he didn't miss that when they showed the RedBull garage with Seb and Dan preparing to go out earlier, the commentators noted that;

“Apparently Sebastian's family are with him this weekend, though we've yet to see them in the garage.”

“No mate,” replied Mark under his breath. “Bit hard to feed a baby in the garage.”

He had looked down to Teddy in his arms drinking his milk kindly warmed by the hospitality staff. Mark hoped that Seb understood that proximity was not a measure of his support, even if the 'experts' on TV required more visible evidence that he was there for him.

“Papa knows we're here doesn't he mate?”

Mark smiled at the baby looking up at him, no interest in watching the cars on screen.

As the coverage rounded up at the end of the first session Mark was relieved that there had been no mention of what had occurred in the paddock earlier. They hadn't mentioned Teddy specifically at any point when talking about Seb either, though there had been several mentions of his 'family' again and oblique comments that he'd had a 'busy winter'. Mark suspected that Britta had put the fear into them at least.

It was busier in the hospitality area now, though not all that packed seeing as it was Friday and many people were in work. Mark shifted Teddy higher in his arms to get a look at his watch, then puffed a breath. Seb probably had a quite bit of debriefing to do with the team seeing as his times hadn't been stellar, though in fairness Daniel's hadn't been much better. Only teething problems Mark hoped.

 

He was sat turned slightly away from the entrance, not wishing to have too many people staring over at them, but out of the corner of his eye Mark caught sight of someone approaching. For a moment he thought it might be Seb, but as he looked properly Mark instantly saw it was the taller figure of DC coming over.

“Hello,” greeted David cheerily. “Well, isn't this something?”

“DC,” nodded Mark.

“Wow.” David smiled and shook his head at seeing Mark nursing a baby in his arms. “My my, there's a sight I never thought to see.”

Mark just smiled back at him, not rising to his old team-mate teasing him.

“Seb still busy?” checked David.

“Yep.”

“Can I join you for a bit then?”

“Sure.”

David pulled out a chair and sat down at the table, glancing at the pram to the side before shaking his head again.

“Is it really such a surprise?” asked Mark.

“Yeah mate it really is,” laughed DC.

“We did tell you.”

“Well yes, but actually seeing it for myself...” David leaned in a little to look at the baby and Mark had to resist the urge to pull Teddy closer away from any more interest today. “So, this is the little fellow causing such a fuss then.”

“A fuss?”

“Well you know.” Mark raised an eyebrow and David shrugged. “Ah well I heard there was a little contretemps outside earlier.”

Mark sighed heavily.

“Did you indeed?”

“Mm.”

Mark gave him a dour look and DC nodded.

“Don't want to talk about it?”

“Under orders not to mate.”

“Ah. The redoubtable Britta?” guessed David. Mark gave no reply, but David knew that was a yes. “I'm sure she's giving the offender fifty lashes before making him walk the plank as we speak.”

“It's not funny,” reposted Mark.

He looked down at his son and freed a hand to stroke his cheek. DC saw the soft expression that appeared on his old friend's face.

“Sorry,” he apologised. “I know it's not a joke.”

“It’s not.” Mark shook his head as he looked back at him. “We have to protect him.”

“Of course.”

“You're a father. You have to understand.”

David nodded.

“I'm sure you gave him hell.”

Mark made no reply.

“Ah well,” continued DC, “I've no doubt he scarpered with wet pants once you'd had a go.”

Mark raised an eyebrow and DC shrugged.

“Hey you can be pretty intimidating when you're angry.”

“Hmm.”

“You're still angry,” judged David.

Mark looked at him.

“Between friends?”

“Sure.”

“Damn right I'm angry. I'm furious, but the last thing we want is that getting in the press.” Mark looked at Teddy, then back to DC. “Is everyone talking about it?”

“Well not exactly, but I did hear some fool crossed you, tried to sneak a photo and incurred your wrath.”

 

Mark sighed. He didn't know how he was supposed to have reacted otherwise. Perhaps he could have hurried inside with Seb, but it had felt important to stand his ground to defend his family, even it was only from a camera. He wanted to explain the full situation to David, but giving out more details was unlikely to help matters.

“Listen mate,” assured DC. “You're right, any dad would do the same I'm sure.”

“It's just so important with Teddy being adopted, well, with us trying to adopt him. We're not there yet and if anything like that went against us... I just don't know what we'd do.”

David nodded.

“Right, well it'll blow over. I'm sure everyone's more focussed on the results of practice now there's that to talk about and if not, Britta on the warpath ought to scare some sense into the fourth estate.”

“Hope so,” agreed Mark, also hoping that he wasn't going to get himself in trouble with Britta for having this conversation. “Anyway, least said.”

DC took the hint.

“Course. Not a word mate. This little chap doesn't look bothered at any rate.”

A smile returned to Mark's face.

“Yeah he's being good now. You shoulda heard him at three am.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. Reckon half our floor did.”

“Ha, yeah I don't miss that. Looks like you're doing alright though.”

“Yeah? Actually mate I'm knackered. I used to think jet-lag was bad, but that's nothing. I've not had a night's kip in... Pfff, dunno, feels like two or three years now, not months.”

David nodded. He wasn’t about to say that you could see bags beneath Mark’s eyes. He seemed content enough despite them.

“Mm, ah well. Apart from that you're alright?”

“Hanging in there mate, hanging in there.”

“Good stuff. I don't know if I've even said congratulations yet,” noted David.

“We got your card, thanks.”

DC nodded.

“Well congrats in person while I think on.” He leaned in to take a closer look at the baby. “Lovely looking little fella.”

“Thanks.”

“Blue eyes,” noted DC.

Mark smiled as he looked down into those blue eyes. Everyone seemed to notice them, but then they were pretty striking, though Mark was certain he would have considered his son’s eyes beautiful whatever their hue.

 

Teddy began wriggling slightly in his arms and Mark gave David a flick of his eyebrows.

“Ah. Gotta go mate.”

“Hm?”

“Nappy change I reckon,” Mark explained. Right on cue Teddy started crying. “Yep. Jinxed us saying he was quiet. Sorry.”

Mark was already standing, turning the pram with one hand to head to Sebastian's room and DC automatically stood with him.

“You need a hand?” he offered.

“Ha, you volunteering to change him?”

“Oh, er, I meant with the pram.”

“Nah mate I've got it. If you see Seb come in will you tell him we're in his room?”

“Sure.”

“Right, see you around.” Mark looked down to Teddy, his voice quite different as he addressed his son. “Shh sweetheart, it's alright, we're going. Soon have you sorted.”

David watched as Mark contrived to jig and hush the baby one armed whilst pushing the pram past the other tables and chairs. It really was something to see. His old friend had changed almost beyond recognition.

 

 

Once Seb was back and had grabbed a quick shower and changed, Mark finally got chance to tell him that he'd been having a chat with David while he waited for him. Mark didn't want to worry Seb, particularly in the middle of a busy day of driving, but he didn't want to lie either so he did mention that DC had heard about the incident from earlier.

“...but really darling, he just said he'd heard someone tried to get a photo and I sent them packing. That's all,” Mark justified.

Sebastian sighed.

“Do you think it'll end up in the papers?”

Mark scrubbed a hand through his hair. The honest answer was that he hoped to god not.

“I'm sure Britta's dealing with it,” he replied. “Did she not come back with you?”

“Yeah but she didn't say much. She was just off to her office I think.”

Mark nodded. Another working lunch for poor Britta.

“Alright we'll I'm sure she has it in hand and will let us know. In the meantime I'm starving and I'm sure you are, so shall we get some lunch?”

Sebastian puffed a little breath. He was worrying what kind of gossip was flying around and if it was something Britta with all her skills could really quash, but he really didn't have time for it now and Mark was certainly right about one thing; he was starving. Seb pushed aside all other concerns and smiled down at Teddy who was currently resting in his pram having a nap.

“Do you think he'll wake up if we're in hospitality?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark looked in at Teddy. It wasn't loud exactly in the hospitality area, but it would be busier over lunch. He paused, then had a brainwave. Mark dipped down and dug around in one of the bags under the pram, coming back up with a smile on his face and the as yet unused baby ear defenders in his hand. Seb laughed and shook his head, but Mark leaned over the pram and very carefully eased the headphones over the baby's ears to muffle out any noise.

 

 

They sat having a remarkably peaceful lunch. As Seb finished up he looked in at Teddy sleeping.

“Well I guess it wasn't such a bad idea Liebling,” he conceded.

“I'm full of them.”

Seb could have joked back that he was full of something, but he preferred to keep the atmosphere as it was.

Just as they were finishing up Mark spotted someone coming over and patted Seb’s hand, nodding in their direction. Sebastian turned around.

“Oh, hey,” he greeted, standing up at the same time.

“Hey, am I interrupting?” smiled Lewis.

“Um, no we’re good.”

“Hi Mark.”

“Hi Lewis. Are you lost?”

Lewis just continued to smile as he looked into the pram.

“Hey little guy.”

Mark peered over as well.

“Is he awake now?” he checked.

“Yeah.”

Teddy was pouting and batting at the strange headphones on his head, so Seb took them off and lifted him out of the pram, holding him to show Teddy to his friend.

“Hey Teddy, your Uncle Lewis is here.”

“Aren’t you popular?” noted Mark as he stood with them.

Teddy reached out and patted at Lewis’s face as he leaned in closer.

“Oops, sorry,” apologised Seb.

“Nah man, we’re good. You recognise me don’t you buddy?” Lewis looked to Seb. “Can I have a hold?”

“Um, sure.”

Sebastian passed the baby over. He still felt a little cautious about it, but Lewis showed no such qualms, confidently taking the baby and jigging him as he smiled down, their eyes meeting.

“So cute, and you know it, don’t you? Gonna be a heartbreaker,” smiled Lewis.

 

Mark looked to Sebastian and gave a little shake of his head at how keen Lewis was. He had to admit that Lewis did have a knack of being natural with kids. He liked them and they liked him back, which wasn’t so surprising, though the way Lewis seemed to lose himself in it and forget the projected ‘cool’ image as he did so, was something of a contrast.

Lewis looked back up to Mark and Sebastian.

“It’s great to see you’re here,” he told Mark. “I told Seb it was a shame you weren’t there at testing, didn’t I?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Ah well, thought we’d wait until the season proper,” explained Mark.

“Sure,” agreed Lewis. “Guess testing’s not so exciting, and course your family’s here.”

“Yep. Well, not yet actually, but they get here tonight.”

“We’ve been out staying with them for a bit before we came here,” added Seb.

“Ah that’s nice. Merc had me working away doing publicity stuff in the run-up,” stated Lewis. “Didn’t you Seb?”

“Not really. We did a bit of PR stuff at the factory before we came out.”

“Sure. Well, I suppose they make more of a fuss of Dan here?”

“Mm, guess so,” agreed Sebastian, thinking he was more than happy for his team-mate to take as much focus from him as possible this weekend.

 

Lewis looked back to Teddy who was cooing and gurgling to get his attention. Mark and Sebastian merely watched on as another person made a fuss of their son for a few minutes.

“Fancy babysitting mate?” teased Mark.

“Ah you know I would,” confirmed Lewis, “apart from having to drive of course. Speaking of which, I guess I’d better go.”

Mark took Teddy back and smiled again as Lewis sighed sadly.

“I really would babysit,” he offered. “It’s so nice to get a bit of peace and do something simple for once. Feels like I’ve had a crazy week. You guys are so lucky.”

Mark merely nodded. Peaceful definitely wasn’t the word he was use generally with Teddy, but then Lewis didn’t really have any idea what it was like to look after a baby twenty-four seven, rather than five minutes of playing before handing him back. Still, it was nice to have someone so thrilled to see their son.

“Yeah we are,” agreed Seb.

“Mm, well, guess I’d better be going,” conceded Lewis. “Sorry it’s a flying visit, but I thought it was a good time to find you.”

“No problem,” nodded Mark.

 

Lewis gave his leave, waving at Teddy in Mark’s arms before heading back out. As they sat down Mark noticed how so many of the occupants of RedBull's hospitality area turned to stare at Lewis passing whilst Lewis himself seemed not to be aware. He floated in his own little bubble, seemingly impervious.

“I’d better go get ready too Liebling,” apologised Seb.

“Okay. You want me to come?”

“No don't disturb him. I'll only be five minutes.”

 

Sebastian dashed off to his room to put his race kit back on, then returned to hospitality where Britta was due to collect him. By the time he came back he found that yet another visitor had arrived and Fernando was sat in his seat at the table. As he approached Fernando looked up and began to stand.

“Oh, Sebastian, I am sorry. I steal your seat.”

“That’s okay.”

Seb took an empty chair from another table and put it on Mark’s other side to sit by him. Mark gave him a smile.

“Fernando was just saying how small Teddy is.”

Seb huffed a laugh. He noted that Mark had put their son back in his pram, ear-protectors back on as Teddy slept again.

“Nothing like as small as he was,” Seb commented.

“That’s what I said,” agreed Mark, before looking back to his friend. “Really mate, you wouldn't have believed how tiny he was when we first got him. We were looking at some of the pics Mum’s got up in her lounge from when he first came to us and our Teddy looks miniscule by comparison to the sturdy little fella we’ve got now.”

The pair of them smiled over at their son, both thinking how relieved they were that he was growing healthily despite his troubled start to life. Fernando wasn’t sure if he was interrupting by being there and he couldn't miss that Seb was already changed ready for FP2. Time seemed to be flying today.

“I am sorry I have not come to see you before,” he started.

Mark and Seb looked up.

“Ah that’s alright mate,” dismissed Mark. “You’re busy.”

“Mm, but before now I mean. I should have come to visit, though I suppose you too have been busy.”

“Ha, just a bit,” laughed Mark. “Nah don’t worry. We’ve had that many visitors recently. Though we know who the attraction is and it’s not us.”

“Well of course I wish to see you too.”

Mark nodded and smiled.

“Always welcome,” he assured.

“Most kind.” Fernando stood up. “I am afraid that I must go to prepare. I am glad that I meet your ñino pequeño.”

He gave Mark an extra smile, thinking how it was both strange and wonderful to see him this way. Certainly he fitted his own description as both knackered and happy, but there was more to it than that. Fernando couldn't quite put his finger on it, but perhaps it had something to do with the way he held the baby, or they way he looked at him, or they way he looked at Seb and the shared look they gave their son?

As Fernando left them and walked back to his own team base the sun suddenly came out from behind a cloud and it was as if he literally saw the light. Fernando could have kicked himself for being so dense; it was love. Mark was filled with it. Love like his friend had never known for his son. Love that radiated out of him, even when Teddy had started crying and Mark had had to hush him, standing to gently jig the baby in his arms, looking at him and reassuring him as if there was no one else in the room until his son responded and remarkably dropped right back off to sleep as if his friend had some special gift. Perhaps he did? Fernando smiled and shook his head. He was almost jealous. Almost, but not quite enough to consider giving up racing and by the looks of it, most of his sleep too.

 

 

Back at RedBull Mark and Seb were just going over their plans for that evening when DC came back through to go prepare for his next stint of television work and bobbed over.

“Blimey,” commented Mark, “it’s like Piccadilly Circus in here.”

“Hmm?” frowned Seb.

“Busy.”

“Oh right, yeah.”

“I guess everyone’s on their lunch and are taking the chance to meet this little guy.”

“Well of course they want to meet him,” argued Seb.

Mark looked up and gave their friend a nod as he reached them. “DC, we meet again.”

“Hi David,” greeted Sebastian.

“Seb, finally,” he replied. “I keep missing you.”

“Oh sorry, you know, busy,” excused Sebastian.

“Indeed,” smiled David with a nod to the baby.

Sebastian lifted the ear defenders off as Teddy tried to brush his hands against them.

“Sorry Schatz, that was Daddy's idea.”

“Hey,” complained Mark.

Seb merely smiled and lifted the baby out to hold him before he started crying.

“It's alright Teddy, shh-shh.”

Mark rubbed over Teddy's back while Sebastian jigged him, both of them forgetting David for a moment.

“Is he alright?” David enquired.

“Hm?”

Seb looked up from peering in at his son.

“Ah he's fine,” Mark assured for both of them. “Just up from your little nap aren't you matey?”

David smiled.

“Ah well I get a bit grouchy when I'm woken up too.”

“Taking old man naps are you now?” teased Mark.

“Hey I'm not much older than you sunshine.”

“True.”

“And we both take plenty of naps these days,” added Seb.

“Also true,” Mark agreed.

 

Just then Britta arrived, bag on her shoulder and all business.

“You ready?” she checked.

Sebastian nodded, gave Teddy a quick kiss on the cheek, then passed him to Mark before giving him a kiss too.

“Good luck darling,” Mark parted.

“Thanks.”

“Speaking of naps Liebling, if you're tired you can always have one in my room.”

Mark nodded.

“After practise finishes maybe. He's just woken up now anyway.”

“Okay.” Seb glanced to Britta, knowing she wanted to get going. “See you later then. Love you.”

“Love you too. We'll be watching Papa, won't we Teddy?”

Sebastian smiled, then nodded to David.

“Bye.”

“All the best Seb.”

As the pair of them departed Mark looked up from checking that his son was happy in his arms to see a teasing smile on his friend's face.

“What?”

 

DC gave a little shake of his head.

“You two. You always say goodbye as if you might never see one another again.”

Mark just looked back to him and DC belatedly clicked as to why that was. Having commenced driving in an era of F1 when death was still a very real threat, David had always dealt with that fear with a dark sense of humour and a healthy dose of denial, but he'd never had to cope with holding that fear for someone else whom he loved as Mark did Seb. David observed the way Mark held the baby close and understood why he wouldn't contemplate napping through FP2; he had to watch to be sure Seb was safe.

“Sorry mate,” apologised David much more soberly.

He placed a hand on his arm, then stroked gently over the baby's head.

“Be a good lad for your daddy,” David advised, then gave Mark a nod. “I've gotta go too.”

“Later.”

“Yep.”

Mark was left alone so he sat down with Teddy, shifting to lie in his arms so they could look at one another.

“Right mate, just you and me again. Let's see how Papa does this time.”

 

 

 

By the end of the day Sebastian was so involved with working with his team and driving the car that he had almost forgotten about the incident from that morning until Britta brought it up again as she met him after FP2. They stood in the back of the garage as Seb tidied himself up and added a regulation RedBull cap over slightly sweaty helmet hair.

“Okay so it’s just the huddle,” she reminded him.

“Right.”

“As I came down they were crowding around the Mercedes lot, but they’re expecting us in a minute.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So… well, I’ve tried to smooth things over, had a word in a few key ears,” continued Britta.

“Oh, about this morning?”

“Yes. So obviously there is a bit of gossip about and I’ve no doubt it will have got around that I had that photographer’s pass revoked.”

Sebastian looked to Britta. He wondered quite how she had achieved that, but perhaps it was best not to know. He was glad nonetheless. Britta was in ‘take no prisoners’ mode and Seb was more than pleased to have her on his side. He certainly wouldn’t ever want to cross her. Seb hoped the media felt the same today.

“Thank you. I know it might seem we’re over-reacting,” he began.

“No it doesn’t. I think, though obviously it was unpleasant, in the end it will work to our favour. They’ll all be aware we mean business now.”

“Right, yeah I guess so,” agreed Seb.

“And to that end, it is essential that we maintain the line; Do not be tempted to answer any of their questions should they bring it up.”

“You think they will?”

“They might. And that goes for anything else about your family. We have to be firm, yes?”

“Yes,” nodded Sebastian.

“Good. Usual rules apply; someone asks something we don’t wish to discuss, then leave me to say so, yes?”

“Yes.”

In the back of his mind Sebastian thought how Mark had once referred to Britta as a regimental sergeant major in disguise. Seb certainly always fell into line when she told him to do something. Her diminutive stature and pleasant smiles belied a core of pure tungsten.

 

 

A few minutes later Sebastian found himself in the familiar position of being surrounded by media, cameras and recording devices all thrust towards him and a hubbub of voices all demanding his attention. Britta was by his side, thank god, there to do her best to bring order to the chaos.

“Yes, Jennie,” Britta prompted.

“Sebastian were you happy with your first day back?”

Sebastian smiled to have an innocuous question to kick-off with.

“Yeah not bad. Pretty good start anyway. I think FP2 showed we have more potential, so we’ll be working to make the most of that tomorrow.”

“Was there any reason things weren’t so good in FP1?”

“Um, just I think building up really.”

“No other reasons?”

Seb glanced to Britta, wondering if this was already an angle into what had happened.

“Just working though things, building up,” he replied vaguely.

 

“Next,” prompted Britta briskly. “Yes, Michael.”

“Seb, do you consider this almost a home grand prix these days?”

Sebastian paused. That was tricky. It was clearly connecting to the fact his husband and his family were Australian and Seb wanted to acknowledge them, but to do so naturally meant breaking his rule.

“I guess you could say that,” he smiled, hoping it projected the positive response he wanted to give.

“I believe you have your family here today. Will more of your, or perhaps I should say Mark’s, family be here over the weekend?”

Seb stopped. He wanted to say yes, that Mark’s family was his family these days and he was honoured to count them as his own now and that so many of them would be coming to support him.

“Sebastian is discussing his driving,” intervened Britta, seeing his dilemma.

The interviewer opened his mouth to protest, but he knew he would only get cut off if he did.

“Okay, so, um… How are you finding the new car?”

“Well it’s dark blue and sat right there in the garage waiting for me,” replied Sebastian with deliberate facetiousness.

 

The interviewer smiled and shook his head, but Seb was glad to have the relief of a silly answer to try to lift the tension he felt. He took a few more questions on how practice had gone and whether the new car was meeting the expectations of the team after testing. All standard stuff he had answered at the start of every season. Then one of the newspaper reporters he recognised held his recorder closer.

“Seb, is it fair to say you were rather distracted in FP1?”

“Um, no.”

“It’s just I heard there was something of an incident in the paddock first thing.”

 _D_ _i_ _d you?_ thought Seb. He looked sideways to Britta, hoping she would step in.

“Seb is discussing his work,” emphasised Britta with a steely look.

“Yes but…”

“Next question,” dismissed Britta. “Yes, James.”

A couple more people followed, but then an Australian accent addressed him. He didn’t recognise the man as part of the core paddock press.

“Sebastian, would you say that your husband has a temper?”

 

Sebastian looked at the man, stunned. How dare he say that about Mark when all he had been doing was protecting their son? Mark who was the kindest, most gentle person he had ever known. Seb knew what it was like to be confronted by a man with a temper, one with the power to terrify him. To suggest Mark could be anything like that was horrible. Sebastian opened his mouth to protest, but Britta stepped in, knowing that a denial uttered could be used as further fuel to any gossip.

“If you do not have a relevant question, do not waste your time coming here,” she bit back.

“I think it is relevant,” argued the reporter.

She eye-balled him back unflinchingly.

“Then you and I can discuss it privately later,” she replied. “Now, Peter, yes.”

The next questioner looked into those steely blue-grey eyes and knew better than to repeat his predecessor’s folly.

“Seb, pretty good crowd here today for a Friday. Can you still hear them in the car with the new regs this year?”

 

 

As they walked away back to the base Sebastian looked to Britta.

“What did he mean, has Mark got a temper?”

“Seb just ignore it. He was trying to provoke you.”

“Yes but… what are people saying? All he did was tell him to get lost. What else was he supposed to do?”

Britta put a hand on his arm as they walked.

“Nothing. Mark did nothing wrong.”

“But if they’re saying things about Mark shouldn’t I be sticking up for him and setting them straight?”

“No. I’m sorry Seb, but no. The moment you do, you feed the fire.”

“Fire? Are they all talking about it?” Seb stopped mid-walk. “Britta is there gossip online?”

Britta sighed.

“A bit.”

“Oh god.”

“Come on, we’ll go to my office.”

Sebastian had a horrible sinking feeling, but he knew this wasn’t the place to discuss it, even if the paddock was quieter now the running was over on track and the public were heading home for the day.

 

Once they were in Britta’s office he took the seat indicated and looked at her.

“Britta what’s going on?”

“Just a bit of gossip. Nothing major.”

“Where?”

“It’s just the paddock press. You know they like to talk.”

“About us? What are they saying?”

Britta shrugged.

“Just about what happened Seb. It’ll pass.”

“But is there going to be stuff in the papers?”

“I’ve had words.”

“Meaning what?”

“Meaning anyone who knows what is good for them is leaving it well alone.”

“And those that don’t?”

Britta sighed.

“There may be the odd line or two in a couple of the tabloids.”

“Oh Britta.”

“I’m sorry Seb, I’ve done all I can.”

Sebastian let out a long breath. He hated thinking of any story about them going in the papers, but one involving their son was so much worse.

“Yeah,” he replied heavily. “I know you have.”

“There’s the odd bit of talk online, but it’s all very vague seeing as nobody really had the details. Beyond that I think maybe there might just be a few gossipy pieces in papers tomorrow.”

“Saying?”

“Well I don’t write them Seb, but at a guess, something about a photographer getting yelled at by Mark in the paddock and him subsequently finding he was no longer welcome here.”

 

Seb puffed out a long breath. He knew even Britta didn’t have magical powers to silence people.

“Do you think they’ll mention Teddy?” he worried.

Britta opened out her hands.

“I think they may mention it was related to your son being there. I’m afraid they’ll find that detail too juicy to leave out.”

“Oh god,” sighed Seb.

“I will be keeping a close eye to be sure nothing too personal is included, but unfortunately I can’t prevent that much getting out.”

Sebastian nodded reluctantly.

“It won’t be banner headlines Seb,” Britta reassured him. “None of them were there at the time other than the photographer himself so they can only report it as gossip.”

“That never stops them.”

“Mm, well, gossip of something that they heard happened is a by-line at most, if we get more involved and you start defending Mark, as I know you would like to, then it becomes a real story.”

“Yeah I know,” sighed Seb.

“So let me keep an eye on it and do your best to ignore it. A couple of lines in the gossip columns will soon be forgotten.”

Sebastian nodded, though he wasn’t entirely convinced.

“It’s the end of the day so I’d imagine most will be writing and filing online later. I will monitor things I promise you.”

“Okay. I need to go change.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you. I do appreciate it.”

Britta nodded.

“Try not to worry about it Seb, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

 

Sebastian returned to his room where Mark was waiting for him. He walked through the door and the smile he had kept on his face in public instantly disappeared. Mark stood up from where he had been sat on the bed reading his Kindle.

“Hey.” Mark frowned at the expression on Seb’s face. “Sweetheart? What’s the matter?”

Sebastian looked down at Teddy who was asleep in his pram and shook his head, suddenly feeling like crying.

“I don’t think you should have come Liebling.”

Mark stepped in.

“Seb?”

Sebastian let out an uneven breath, then leaned into him, glad for the hug he got. He dropped his head onto Mark’s shoulder and pressed in.

“What’s the matter?” asked Mark once more.

Seb looked up at him.

“Britta says there’s going to be stuff in the papers, there probably is online already.”

“About… Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Mark sighed.

“Oh sweetheart I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It is. I shouldn’t have had a go at him. I should just have come inside with you.”

Seb shook his head.

“No Liebling you were protecting us so we could get away.”

“Hmm.”

Sebastian let out a slow heavy breath.

“It’s so unfair. He was in the wrong, why do we have to suffer the consequences?”

Mark sighed.

“Is it that bad?”

Seb shrugged one shoulder.

“I dunno. She thought just a few lines here and there, but… I can’t help worrying about what Rachel would think if she saw them.”

Mark looked at him, still feeling guilty.

“I’m sorry.”

“No I’m not blaming you Liebling. I’m really not. It was his fault, but… Do you think we should call her?”

“Who?”

“Rachel.”

“Really?”

“At least we could explain then.”

“I dunno sweetheart. Might that not make things worse?”

 

Seb’s hand went over his face. He really did think he might cry now. He took in a sharper breath and began pacing distractedly in the limited space in his room. Seb could feel his heart spinning up with anxiety and worrying about that only made everything seem worse.

“Oh god, Liebling, what if it makes it look like we’re not protecting him? What if she thinks it’s our fault for bringing him?”

Mark tried stepping in, putting his hands on Seb’s shoulders to get him to stop and look at him.

“Darling she won’t think that.”

Sebastian looked up at him.

“She might and if not her then the people who make the decisions about stuff. They might see things and they might, they might decide we aren’t taking proper care of him, that we’re exposing him to too much attention, that we’re not putting Teddy first.”

 

His voice was getting ever faster, matching the increased beats of his heart, and Mark suddenly worried more about that than the cause. He lowered his head slightly to look directly into Seb’s eyes.

“Seb, Seb no. Calm down.”

“But?” appealed Sebastian, before taking in a gasp of air, unable to continue as his chest worked too hard.

“Darling it’s gonna be alright, take a deep breath, slow down. Don’t let it get on top of you.”

Sebastian looked back at Mark, no longer trying to speak as he necessarily had to focus on his breathing to stop it getting out of control. Mark lead him to sit on the bed and put his arm around him.

“Darling don’t panic. It’s going to be okay.”

Seb closed his eyes for a moment while he steadied his breathing and shut out all other thoughts until he felt ready to reopen them. He looked at Teddy still fast asleep in front of them and completely unaware of all their concerns.

“We’ll just explain things to her,” calmed Mark.

“Okay,” Seb replied quietly.

He took a deep breath and looked to Mark beside him.

“I’m sorry Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“It’s alright. Look, we can tell Rachel someone tried to get a picture, but they failed, you took Teddy safely inside while I made sure he knew not to try again. Then we made sure he couldn’t. I mean Britta got him kicked out, right?”

“Yes but it’s not that. It’s the stories about it.”

“Were people asking about it in the huddle?” enquired Mark.

Sebastian nodded and Mark nodded back, understanding what had built up Seb’s fears.

“I didn’t say anything,” defended Seb.

“Of course not.”

“I really wanted to. Not, I mean, I wanted to say you were just sticking up for us and keeping Teddy safe from that awful man. I wanted to tell them he stuck his horrible camera right into the pram and he could have hurt him. If they knew that Liebling, then they’d understand wouldn’t they?”

Mark sighed.

“I dunno sweetheart. I fear they’d just think it all grist to the mill.”

Seb furrowed his brow at the phrase and even in the moment, Mark though how cute he looked when he did that.

“I mean they’d just use it to make the story bigger,” he explained.

“That’s what Britta said.”

“Well she’s a smart lady.”

“Yeah.”

Seb sighed again and leaned into Mark’s side.

“It isn’t fair.”

“No,” agreed Mark.

 

They sat for a minute, both looking at their son sleeping peacefully. Even them trying to keep him safe was just a nice bit of gossip to some, as if there wasn’t a real, vulnerable little baby at the heart of it. Eventually Mark let out a long sigh.

“Look we’ll call Rachel and explain things. I’m sure she’ll understand.”

Seb lifted his head from where it had been resting on Mark’s shoulder.

“Do you think so?”

“Hopefully. I mean she was okay about the other stuff. It won’t be that bad will it? Surely it’s just gonna be that some arsehole tried to get a pic and I slightly lost my rag with him.”

“Oh don’t say that Liebling.”

Mark frowned.

“Well I was pretty direct with him.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“No, well.”

“All you did was tell him off.”

“Mm I guess.”

Seb looked at him.

“I feel horrible people are making something of it. In the huddle some reporter asked if you had a temper.”

“He what?”

“I didn’t answer,” hurried Seb, “but I really wanted to. Liebling you’re nothing like that. I don’t want people thinking that.”

Mark sighed at the anxiety in Seb’s voice.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I do though.”

“Sweetheart it only matters what you think. You know I’m not like that.”

“Yes but if it’s in the papers.”

“I’m pretty sure Rachel wouldn’t think I’m like that either,” assured Mark. “We’ve spent enough time together. Admittedly I get pretty het up if anyone threatens you or Teddy.”

“But that’s not the same. You don’t have a temper.”

Mark sighed again, but he saw the look in those blue eyes appealing to him. He shook his head and pulled Seb in a little closer.

“No, not like that,” he reassured.

 

Mark rested his temple into Seb’s. He knew why Seb couldn’t bear to think of him in those terms and why it upset him so much. Mark knew he had emotions that flared the same as anyone else’s, but he worked hard not to let them show too much of anything that seemed like anger to Sebastian and certainly not directed at him.

“You were tired,” justified Seb.

“Yes I suppose.”

“If people knew.”

Mark rubbed over Seb’s arm.

“It’s alright sweetheart.”

“If they only knew how amazing you are.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and Seb turned to him.

“You are. You look after our son, you never complain about not getting any sleep, you look after us, you keep us safe.”

Mark was about to intervene that he didn’t really do that much and he certainly _did_ complain about being tired, though perhaps more to others than Seb, but those big blue eyes looking up at him were watery now.

“You make me feel safe,” Sebastian quavered. “Mein Fels.”

Mark looked back into those eyes and had no reply. Sebastian needed him to be the man he saw him as and it made Mark want to be that man, even if he knew he wasn’t as perfect as Seb thought him. Seb needed him to be his rock, so Mark would strive to be it.

There wasn’t much he could say in reply to him, so Mark simply lowered his forehead into Seb’s.

“I want everyone to see you as I see you,” whispered Seb.

Mark smiled and lifted away to look at him.

“Ah sweetheart.”

“I do though, I hate the idea of anyone thinking badly of you. I feel like I should go out there and tell all of them what you’re really like.”

Mark shook his head.

“You are sweet darling, but those that matter already know us. They won’t care what’s in the papers.”

Sebastian let out a long breath.

“I suppose.”

“Seb no one’s ever going to know me like you do. I don’t think anyone’s ever going to see me quite the way you do darling and in all honesty I wouldn’t really want them to. That’s just for us, okay?”

“I guess.”

Mark looked into Seb’s eyes and stroked his cheek.

“Just like no one else is gonna see you the way I see you, the way I know you, and frankly darling, I quite like being that special. It’s just for us. We don’t need to worry about the rest, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Seb. “But Rachel?”

“We’ll call her sweetheart, make sure she knows what she needs to so we aren’t worrying.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian pushed out a long breath feeling more settled as he looked to Teddy.

“I wonder how he sees us?”

“His willing servants mostly I reckon.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Silly.”

“Yeah,” concurred Mark. “I dunno sweetheart, I think if he has any understanding of it yet, he just knows we love him and we take care of him. He knows he is safe with us, that’s all that matters to him.”

“Yeah. Typical he’s asleep now when he’ll be awake in the night.”

Mark laughed as well.

“Yep. Ah well.” He looked at his watch. “Right, we need to be getting on. We’re meant to be meeting my folks for dinner when we get back to the hotel.”

Seb sat up at the reminder of the more mundane realities of life.

“Oh right yeah, um, I still need to go back to do more debriefing.”

“Right.”

“Only a bit. I think we’ll spend more time on it in the morning seeing as FP3 isn’t until the afternoon.”

“Fine. No rush. You change, do what you need to, then we’ll call Rachel, get things straightened out and move on, yeah?”

“Yes okay. Thank you.”

Mark wanted to say Seb didn’t need to thank him, but it was always a waste of time. He’d quite like to tell the press that about Seb seeing as it said so much about him that Mark thought the press would never understand, but there was no more point trying to make them than there was in trying to tell Sebastian he didn’t need to thank him.

 

 

 

 

A couple of hours later the wider family were all gathering for their meal which they were having in the hotel restaurant in case Teddy needed taking up to their room, though as Seb and Mark sat with Mark’s parents waiting for the rest to arrive, Teddy lay quite happily in his grandmother’s arms. Mark’s phone beeped and he pulled it out to check before updating them.

“Leanne says they are on their way now. Apparently they were just setting out when Abbey laddered her tights and insisted on changing.”

Diane shook her head. They were staying at another hotel less than ten minutes away but she and her husband had arrived nearly fifteen minutes ago seeing as they had gone on ahead, supposedly so Seb and Mark weren’t left waiting.

“Should we order?” she wondered.

“Oh no Mum they’ll be here in a bit.”

“Well Seb has a busy day tomorrow.”

“It’s fine,” assured Sebastian.

“I’m sure they’ll be here shortly,” agreed Alan, why don’t I just order us some drinks in?”

 

As he did that, Diane looked to Mark and Seb who were sat beside her at the so far only half filled table.

“So you spoke to your case worker then?”

Mark wanted to sigh at her bringing it up again when they were trying to forget it tonight, but he nodded.

“Yeah. She said not to panic.”

His eyes couldn’t help but go to Seb at that and Sebastian did feel a little guilty, but no matter how many times he was told not to worry about it, he did.

“She said she understood it wasn’t our fault,” Mark continued.

“Of course it wasn’t your fault, horrible man,” sympathised his mother.

“I think you did bloody well not to deck him,” added his father.

“Alan,” chided Diane.

“Unfortunately that’s the sort of story we’re worried about,” Mark admitted.

“Well all you did was tell him to stop.”

“I know, but…” Mark sighed and glanced to Seb, placing his hand in his. “You know what the press can be like for blowing things up into more than things are.”

“Are you worried more will try it on tomorrow?” his father enquired.

His wife turned to him sharply.

“That is not helpful.”

“I’m just trying to see what the problem is,” justified Alan. “I mean if they got the offender kicked out, he can’t try again can he?”

“It’s not that,” explained Mark. “I think Britta getting him booted will actually mean it’s less likely anyone else will try to get a picture.”

Alan frowned, wondering what the issue was in that case, so Seb felt compelled to explain.

“It’s just if there’s stories in the morning, then others might try to build on it.”

“Hassle you, you mean?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“Surely not when you’ve got the baby with you?” questioned Diane, sounding appalled.

“Well we hope not, but Seb was already getting heat with the media at the end of today,” Mark told them.

Diane shook her head unhappily, then looked to the baby in her arms.

“Disgraceful.”

 

Sebastian felt suddenly sick at the thought of getting to the RedBull base the next morning to find not one man in their way, but a whole mob. Poor Teddy would be so frightened. He gazed over at the son, worrying again that it was his fault that the baby was here at all. Diane saw him looking and could see the worry in those eyes.

“Do you want him back dear?” she offered.

“Um, okay, thank you.”

Sebastian took his son back and settled him into one arm so he could stroke over his whisps of blonde hair, finding comfort in it. The restaurant had agreed to them having the pram by the table so they might put him down to eat, but for now Seb preferred to hold his son.

“You’re being so good Schatz,” he praised.

“He’s been pretty good all day really,” Mark noted.

Seb nodded, then looked to him, making a decision.

“Liebling I think maybe you should just stay here with him tomorrow.”

“Seb,” sighed Mark.

“I just think it would be better.”

“Maybe it would be best to not have him there if there’s going to be trouble,” agreed Diane.

“Not _trouble_ ,” countered Mark. “I don’t think it’ll be that bad.”

“And you can’t let that lot dictate your life,” concurred Alan.

Sebastian’s mouth was a thin line and Mark knew he wasn’t happy.

“Look sweetheart, I don’t think it’ll be all of them. Some follow-up questions maybe, but surely once quali’s underway they’ll be more interested in that?”

“Yes but in the morning?”

“Britta will be all over it won’t she?”

“Yes but...”

Seb was giving him those blue eyes again and Mark sighed.

“Will you be happier if I keep him here?”

Seb squashed his face about. He didn’t really want to say yes, but Mark could read him.

 

“It’s fine,” Mark conceded. “It’s no good you spending all night worrying about it. I’ll just stay back tomorrow. We can watch it on TV.”

“Oh Liebling I’m sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“It’s no big deal. I mean strictly speaking I’m only watching on TV at the base anyway.”

 

Diane looked to her husband, knowing Mark wasn’t really happy with how things were either. Their poor son had come ten thousand miles to support Seb as he always wanted to and now the media was hounding them into hiding.

“Nonsense,” she intervened. “I’ll take him.”

Seb and Mark turned from looking at each other to her.

“Ah Mum that’s very kind of you, but…”

“He’d be safe we me,” she assured them.

“I know he would Mum,” Mark accepted.

“So why not make things simple? Surely you’ll all have a nicer day then? You do trust me don’t you?”

“Of course we do,” Seb replied.

“Well then. Why not? We could have a nice afternoon together. I could take him for a walk through all the lovely parks here. All you’d have to do is supply me with some bottles and nappies and we’ll be quite happy for a few hours.”

Mark opened his mouth, but his mother ploughed on.

“You could go in the garage then couldn’t you Mark? I know you’d like to.”

Mark wanted to sigh. It was like getting emotional blackmail except everything his mother said was true.

“Well of course I would,” he admitted.

“So then.”

Mark looked to Seb.

“I dunno. What do you think sweetheart?”

Sebastian paused. He didn’t like the idea of Teddy being away from them, but he did trust his mother-in-law to take good care of him. By contrast the idea of having their son at the track again after what had happened at the track today didn’t feel very safe, even if the most likely outcome was merely more uncomfortable questions headed his way when Teddy was elsewhere with Mark.

“I’m not sure.” Seb looked to his mother-in-law. “It is kind of you to offer.”

“I’d enjoy it,” Diane asserted.

Seb looked back to Mark and sighed.

“I don’t know. Maybe…”

“I suppose it would be nice to come down to the garage, assuming they can fit me in,” confessed Mark.

“Of course they’ll fit you in, and it would be nice to have you there, but it’s not really that.”

“No.”

“I guess…” Mark shrugged a shoulder slightly, reading Seb’s eyes to be sure he agreed. “I mean FP3 isn’t until half two. I know you’ve got to get down to do prep early, but I could leave off and only come just before, then Mum would only have him for a couple of hours.”

“And if you went after quali?” accepted Seb.

“Sure, as long as that’s what you want.”

“Well I’ll be busy anyway.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Oh, well…”

 

Sebastian saw Diane waiting for their answer. He looked at Teddy and saw he had dropped off now. No doubt he’d be awake once they went to sleep. Perhaps giving Mark a break from looking after him too wouldn’t be such a bad idea and the idea of their son safely being pushed around a nice park with his grandmother, far from intruding press who might be lurking at the circuit, was appealing.

“Yes okay. Thank you Di that would really be very good of you.”

Diane smiled.

“Not at all. We’ll have a lovely time.”

“Thanks Mum,” nodded Mark.

Just then the rest of the family finally arrived and they were interrupted as they exchanged greetings and all sat down again.

 

“We’ve decided I’ll look after Teddy tomorrow afternoon now,” announced Diane.

“Oh?” Leanne looked at her brother. “Is everything okay?”

“It’s fine,” assured Mark, not wanting to get into it all again now. “Just seemed the best call.”

“Great,” piped up Ryan from his mother’s other side. “Does that mean you’re coming to the garage with us then Uncle Mark?”

Mark smiled.

“Guess it does.”

“I can still go too can’t I?”

“Course. Who else would explain it all to me?”

Ryan smiled back at yet another one of his uncle’s silly jokes, then set about asking his father if they were having starters as his new priority. Mark looked to Seb beside him.

“’kay?”

Seb nodded and Mark reached to put his hand back over Seb’s where he held onto their son. It wasn’t ideal and it wasn’t what they had planned, but right now it was the best option they had and he had to admit to himself that it would be nice to get to watch Seb properly from the garage. Now they just had to hope that with Teddy safely out of the way tomorrow any stories printed in the morning would be an end to the matter.

 

 

 

“You are alright with it aren’t you?” checked Mark as they got back to their hotel room later.

Seb nodded. He parked up the pram near the main door and went through with Mark who carried Teddy to go and sit on the bed for a moment.

“It’s just a few hours, right?”

“Right and I’ll make sure she’s got her phone. I don’t suppose there’s much Mum hasn’t dealt with before. She can take the pram so she’s got all his stuff, find a café in the park to warm his bottle, feed the ducks and have a little sit in the sunshine. I don’t think she’ll need to ring me.”

“No.”

“Just so long as you won’t be worrying about him?”

Seb shook his head.

“No Liebling it’s better. It will feel a bit strange, but it’s better than him being at track tomorrow and of course I trust your mum.”

“There we are then.”

 

 

As Teddy lay in his crib a little while later Mark looked down at him.

“You’re going on a little adventure with Grandma tomorrow sweetheart. No one’ll bother you then and hopefully none of us need to worry.”

Seb came back through from using the bathroom.

“What was that Liebling?”

“Hm? Oh I was just talking to Teddy,” Mark admitted.

He took his turn in the bathroom, then they both climbed gratefully into bed. Sebastian snuggled into Mark’s side as Mark pulled him in close.

“It will be better tomorrow won’t it Liebling?” he appealed.

Mark nodded and gave Seb a kiss.

“We’ll let Britta take care of the papers, Mum will take care of Teddy and for just a few hours darling I can just concentrate on you and you can concentrate on driving, yeah?”

“Yeah okay. I’m sure he’ll be fine with her.”

“Course he will. I mean I made it to adulthood in one piece didn’t I?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Course. What do you think we should do about race day?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh and shook his head.

“Oh darling, one day at a time.”

“Okay Liebling. Sorry.”

“That’s alright. We’ll just see how we go, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

“For now let’s quit worrying for a bit and sleep while we can.”

Seb nodded into him, then yawned. Sleep was a very nice idea. He was still worrying about what would be in the papers in the morning and if the media would harp on about it making things worse, but at least their son would be away from all that and that was something.

 

 

* * *

 


	212. In Plain Sight

 

* * *

 

 

Perversely, given the later start on Saturday due to the schedule in Australia designed to fit in with world-wide viewing, Teddy gave his parents a far better night than the one before. Mark wasn’t planning to go to the track until one o’clock when his mother would arrive to take Teddy on her little outing, so Britta came round after breakfast in order to update both of them together. As she joined them at the little dining table in their room Seb noted that she already had a coffee on the go in her travel mug which she set down next to her bag containing her laptop. He wondered what time she had been up to start work. Not that he and Mark had actually had a lie-in as such, but it felt as though Britta was always going the extra mile on their behalf.

Mark currently held Teddy, giving him his ‘second breakfast’ bottle so he brought him over to sit at the table.

“So how’s it looking?” Mark asked.

Britta took a sip of her coffee, noting that it had been Mark to be direct about it though she could see Seb was worrying from the moment he let her in. She had brought her laptop to show them if they insisted, but Britta would rather avoid doing so when all this was already a distraction when Sebastian had an important day ahead.

“Well, mostly as we thought,” Britta began. “A few gossipy sidelines, generally mixed in with round-ups of the day and the start of the new season.”

“Saying what?” asked Seb.

“Just that a photographer had a bit of a run-in with you over taking a picture of Teddy.”

“They don’t actually _say_ Teddy?” worried Seb.

“No no. Sorry, no, nobody mentions him by name. At least they know better than that. They just refer to your son.”

“Right.” Sebastian looked to Mark holding Teddy right now. “I suppose we knew it would be mentioned.”

“Mm,” nodded Mark.

Seb looked back to Britta.

“Is there anything bad in there about Mark?” He glanced to Mark. “Not that there should be.”

“Sweetheart it’s okay,” Mark assured him. “There’s bound to be a bit.”

“I think ‘heated exchange’ is the phrase I noted used more than once,” related Britta.

Mark puffed out a little breath. He couldn’t deny that it had been somewhat heated.

“Okay, well is that it?” he asked.

“Um, not exactly. There are a few comments on how protective you are of him.”

“Of Teddy?”

“Yes.”

“Well of course we’re protective of him.”

“Mark I know. I’m just letting you know what’s written.”

“Sorry.”

“Wouldn’t it be worse if we weren’t?” noted Seb.

“Of course,” agreed Britta.

“But they’re making it sound like a bad thing?”

Britta gave a little shrug.

“They’re just making a drama as they do.”

“Right.”

Seb took a deep breath and pushed it out to stay calm. Part of him wanted to look at these newspaper reports, but he knew that was always a mistake. He hadn’t missed Britta’s laptop placed to the side, but no good came of asking her to show them what was out there. It was only upset him more and leave him obsessing about the injustice of it all and worrying even more about what the consequences might be.

 

“Other than that,” continued Britta, “really just a few asides about the team being, shall we say a little over-zealous on your behalf.”

“You mean because you got him kicked out?” commented Mark.

“Mm. Anyway, don’t worry about that.”

“Is there something we _should_ worry about?”

Britta let out a breath, knowing that they weren’t going to like this.

“I’m afraid there is an interview in one of the local tabloids with the photographer himself and as you may guess, he’s none too happy.”

“Ah you’re kidding?” huffed Mark.

“I’m sorry,” apologised Britta. “I did speak to him personally and I did warn him off. In fact I may have threatened legal action for defamation, but it seems he preferred to take petty revenge by spouting off to, I’m guessing, a contact or friend of his.”

“Oh god,” sighed Sebastian. “What has he said?”

“That Mark yelled at him essentially, of course making himself out to be the victim.”

“Forgetting to mention that he shoved his camera at a baby, or at least intended to,” bit Mark.

“Just so,” agreed Britta. “I know it isn’t right, and I have already followed it up with the paper, but I can’t actually ask the legal team to prosecute when it is his opinion he is sharing, not lies as such.”

“As such,” echoed Mark darkly. “He just gets to say what he wants then?”

“No,” reassured Britta. “I said I can’t ask the legal team to prosecute on that basis, but I can get them to ring up and make it very clear that they are looking into the matter.”

“Put the frighteners on them?” interpreted Mark.

“Will that work?” asked Seb.

Britta shrugged.

“Worth a go.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“Well in all honesty Seb I don’t imagine they’ll do a follow-up story as long as there’s nothing else to say. What we have to do now is not give them, or anyone, anything further. Then it’s a dead-end.”

“So we just have to stonewall?”

“Basically yes.”

“Will others pick this up?”

Britta paused, but she had to tell the truth.

“There are a few mentioning it,” she admitted.

“Newspapers?”

“Mm, not so much, more gossip online. So as I say, the best way to handle it is just to press on, ignore it and give them nothing. If we give no reaction they have nothing more to write. If we react then that becomes the next story.”

Sebastian sighed and Britta shook her head.

“I’m sorry Seb. I know you’d like the right of reply to set them straight, but you’d be shooting yourself in the foot in the long run.”

“I know.”

 

Mark had become so distracted by the discussion that he only now noticed that Teddy had finished with his bottle. He lifted him up to wind him, then returned his attention to Seb.

“It’s frustrating sweetheart. It sucks, but Britta’s right.”

“I know. I just hate it that’s all.”

“Yeah. I know.” Mark continued to smooth over Teddy’s back. “It isn’t fair that we can’t put forward our side of the story, but we just have to think of the bigger picture.”

Seb nodded. Life wasn’t always fair. Some horrible photographer got to whine and complain while they could say nothing and couldn’t even have their son with them at the track today because they were afraid of what might happen if they did. It wasn’t fair, but it was how it was.

“Do you think it’ll go away if we do that?” Seb asked Britta.

“I think so. It’s our best option.”

“Okay then.”

 

Britta gave him a smile.

“Good. Thank you.”

“Oh, no Britta, thank you. I don’t know what we’d do without you,” replied Sebastian.

Britta simply shrugged a shoulder as Mark thanked her as well then got up to go get a fresh cloth after Teddy burped up some milk onto the muslin on his shoulder.

“We’ll be fine,” she assured Seb. “Now, you said Mark’s mother is looking after Teddy today?”

“Oh um, yes, well Mark is going to come down to the circuit later and Diane will have him this afternoon,” Seb explained.

Britta nodded, not wanting to admit she was glad that that gave her one less thing to worry about.

“Okay, well...” she looked at her watch. “It’s half nine now. I was thinking of heading to the circuit in an hour. Do you want to come with me Seb?”

“Um, sure.” Sebastian looked over to the side where Mark stood with Teddy. “Then you can have the car Liebling.”

“Righto.”

Britta was already standing, hitching her bag onto her shoulder.

“Okay well I’ll come back for you.”

Sebastian got up to show her out.

“What you do now then?” she enquired conversationally.

“Oh we thought we might pop down to the pool with Teddy in half an hour.”

“Will you have time?”

Seb smiled at last, glad that at least they would have a nice little distraction for a while before he had to refocus on work.

“He doesn’t do laps. It’s just for a quick dip.”

“Of course. Right, well have fun.”

“Thanks.”

As he shut the door behind her Seb realised he had failed to ask Britta what she would do with their spare hour in turn, but then he already knew the answer; she’d be working, for him and his family, fighting his corner as always.

 

 

 

When they arrived at the track Sebastian wondered if it was cowardly of him to be glad Britta was with him so he wasn’t alone. It wasn’t that he was scared as such. Now that he only had himself to worry about and not Teddy or Mark with him, Sebastian found the idea of walking into a bunch of press less alarming. What concerned him more now was his ability to stay quiet about things if any of them said something about Mark that he would feel the need to respond to. It would be an emotional response and Seb knew he was vulnerable when it came to his family. With Britta by his side however, Sebastian knew that not only were the media more likely to behave themselves rather than chancing their luck, but that he would feel more constrained himself and was far less likely to shoot his mouth off to anyone who pressed his buttons by criticising Mark or saying anything at all about Teddy.

Britta had offered to go in via the side entrance to the paddock, but this time Sebastian decided to go the normal way. He knew it might be perverse given that it meant facing more people, but he had decided that acting normal would help him to feel more normal. Thankfully at the gate there was no sign of waiting media, but there were plenty of fans hanging around. Seb knew he had been avoiding them so far and it wasn’t really fair on them, so he checked it was okay with Britta, then stopped for a few minutes to sign some autographs and pose for a few selfies. It felt odd when it had been someone taking a photograph that had upset them so much, but Seb had no real objection to people taking pictures of him on his own when he considered that part of his job. It was only when Teddy was around it was a problem.

The positive response of the fans he had stopped by gave Seb a little boost as well and it hadn’t been hard to smile for them, but his face was more serious as they entered the paddock set off towards the RedBull base. He kept telling himself it was fine, that no matter what happened with the media today it would be okay because Teddy was safely back at the hotel where hopefully both he and Mark were getting a post-swim nap.

 

Seeing as it was Saturday the paddock was busier than the day before, even if it was a few hours before FP3. Seb hoped he wasn’t being paranoid, but he couldn’t stop himself scanning the crowd, trying to work out who were ordinary members of the public and who might be media. By his side Britta was doing much the same, though she didn’t trouble herself with worrying if it was paranoid to do so. It was her job to be on the lookout to protect Seb and so that was what she did. When they got within fifty feet of the entrance she leaned slightly in to Sebastian as they walked along, only slightly slowing their pace.

“Okay, a camera’s about ahead, just keep walking, keep smiling and don’t stop. Okay?” instructed Britta.

“Okay,” nodded Seb.

They marched on, a path forged in front of them as people moved out of their way. A couple more people looked as though they might want to ask for more autographs, but Seb was on a mission now and he didn’t make eye-contact or slow enough to give them chance to ask. As they reached the base Britta counted three photographers along with a camera-man and a few more accompanying journalists.

“Straight in,” she reminded him quickly.

 

“Sebastian.”

“Seb, have you seen the papers this morning?”

“On your own today Sebastian?”

“Do you have any comment on...”

 

The two of them swept through, Britta deftly opening the door and ushering Sebastian inside without breaking her step. Just inside the entrance to the hospitality was a RedBull member of staff who watched the door, acting as a combination of security and greeter. Seb knew that none of the media would barge in here uninvited, so once the door was shut behind him he let out a little huff of relief, keeping on walking with Britta who escorted him all the way to his room. Only when they stepped inside did they stop.

“Right, okay then, so if you just want to take a bit of time to sort yourself out, then I’ll come back in twenty minutes to go down to the garage for prep.”

“Okay.” Seb looked at Britta. “Was that bad do you think?”

“What?”

“How many were out there? Do you think that means trouble?”

“I think it means it’s early and they have nothing better to do yet. Ignore them Seb. Give them nothing and it’ll burn itself out.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay. Is Christian about?”

“Did you want to speak to him?”

“I just wondered.”

“I expect he will be in the garage when we go down.”

“Right, okay.”

“So I’ll see you in a bit then?”

“Sure.”

 

Britta exited the room and Sebastian sat down on the bed with a long puff. That hadn’t exactly been a mob of waiting media, but he wished there had been none at all. He’d done as he was advised though, not risen to any of their questions, so it had to be okay surely? Sebastian removed his backpack from his shoulder and looked inside for his iPod and headphones. He’d wear them on his way to the garage so he felt more in his bubble and didn’t even have to listen to any called out questions.

Sebastian swiped through to find some uplifting music ready to play, then put the headphones on now to have a quick listen to help him relax. He lay back on the bed and pulled out his phone to text Mark so he could update him in case he was worrying. Seb considered ringing, but if Mark was getting that nap it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt him. Better to play things down, concentrate on thinking about work and the day ahead. Seb closed his eyes and focussed on the tune playing, just to give himself a few minutes of peace and let everything else float away.

 

 

By the time Diane arrived Mark had already double-checked that he had packed the pram with everything Teddy would need for the afternoon, but he got the bags out and showed his mother it all, both so she knew where to find things and so he was certain he hadn’t forgotten anything.

“Okay so I put plenty of nappies in and these are water-wipes so they shouldn’t irritate his skin hopefully,” he explained.

“Yes dear, I can see it’s all there. We’ll be fine,” Diane assured him whilst holding the baby. “Won’t we Teddy? You’ll have a lovely time with Grandma while Daddy is watching Papa.”

“Right, um, okay. Other than that I’ve done a couple of bottles, though he’s just had one so he probably won’t want another until after three.”

“I’m sure he’ll let me know.”

“Mm, and I thought if you just ask in a café for them to warm it, though you could always come back here.”

Diane nodded, though she knew this already.

“And then… I guess it’s not too sunny,” continued Mark trying to think what he was forgetting, “but there’s suncream in this bag and his little hat.”

“Right you are,” agreed his mother.

“Oh and his little toys, his penguin chick and Dino for if he gets upset. Though don’t leave them with him in the pram if you’re not watching him.”

Diane gave her son a look.

“I do know that Mark.”

“Right.”

“What makes you think I won’t be watching him anyway?”

Mark puffed a breath. He knew he was worrying for no reason. This was his mother. She was perfectly capable of looking after Teddy.

“I know, sorry.”

“Right, you sort yourself out,” instructed his mother, “we’ll just have a little sit down and we can go down together.”

“Okay.”

 

Diane took her grandson to sit on the sofa while Mark put everything back under the pram before sorting out his own things to go to the track and coming back over to them.

“So you’ve got your phone?” Mark checked.

“I have.”

“Good. Okay well if you need me...”

“I know where you are. I’m sure we’ll be fine though.”

“Course.”

“I think we’ve got everything we could possibly need,” assured Diane. “I thought we’d go over the river to the national gardens. They had a leaflet at our hotel and it looks like there’s plenty to keep us busy, even a couple of cafés to choose from.”

“Great. Let me give you some money for that.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” dismissed Diane.

“You’re sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. I think I can afford a coffee dear.”

“Right, sorry.”

“I’ve got this Mark. I looked after you and your sister, not to mention her children. I didn’t drop any of you on your head or let your prams roll into a pond.”

 

Oh god, Mark hadn’t even thought to worry about that.

“The brake’s just here,” he pointed out with his foot.

“ _Mark._ ”

They looked at one another and Mark took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry. We’ve never left him with anyone before, not outside of the house anyway.”

Diane put a hand on his arm.

“I promise you he’ll be fine.”

“Yep. Sorry.”

“Stop apologising. I’ve got my phone. Any real issues and I’ll call you, but I’m sure we won’t need to. He’ll be perfectly safe with me.”

“I know he will.”

“Good, so stop fretting and get yourself ready. I’ve got all I need.”

Mark pulled his hoody on, then shouldered his bag.

“You ready?” checked Diane.

“Yep.”

His mother smiled, thinking how she still had the urge to ask her son if he thought he should just pop to the toilet before he left. Old habits died hard. She handed over his own son to Mark so he could have a last cuddle.

“Right,” smiled Mark to Teddy. “Now you be good for Grandma kiddo.”

“I’m sure he will.”

Mark nodded, then gave Teddy a kiss on the cheek before placing him into the pram. A few moments later they parted in the lobby of the hotel, Diane to take the side exit to head off on her little outing, Mark going down to the basement garage to take their hired car to the track. As his mother walked away Mark had watched her for a moment. No matter how much he trusted her with Teddy, he still found it difficult to let his son be in the care of someone else other than him or Seb. As his mother gave him a little wave Mark waved back, then told himself off for being ridiculous and pressed the button on the lift to get going. They’d be fine.

 

 

As Mark drove into the track his eye kept being drawn to the rear-mirror. Normally that would be so he could check his son was okay in the back, but now the baby-seat sat empty. It felt so strange, Teddy’s absence so wrong it was like a little hole in his heart. When he reached a traffic light Mark looked back again and for a moment he seriously considered turning around and going back, but he knew he was being silly. Teddy was fine with his grandmother. It was all arranged now. It did no good to upset things merely because he was fretting. The lights turned green and Mark drove on.

Mark resisted ringing his mother to see how she was doing until he and the rest of the family went back to the RedBull base after FP3. He made sure they were all settled with drinks in hospitality before nipping to Seb’s room where it was quieter.

“So you’re alright then?” he checked.

“Of course we’re alright,” assured Diane. “Really Mark you don’t need to worry. We’re sat in a very nice café, right by the window so Teddy can look out.”

“Oh right, okay, good. Has he had his bottle?”

“Yes the girl warmed it up for me and now we’re just having a sit for a bit while I have my coffee.”

“Okay.”

“Before you ask, no he’s not needed nappy change yet, but I’ll make sure before we leave here and my little map shows all the changing places, so we’ll be fine.”

“Alright, okay Mum, very organised,” accepted Mark.

“There’s even a children’s garden here,” continued Diane, “so I thought I’d take him round that in a bit. I know he’s too young to really appreciate it, but it might be worth a look.”

“That sounds nice Mum. Great, well it seems like you’ve got it all in hand so I’ll let you get on.”

“You haven’t even told me how Seb is doing,” stopped Diane.

“Oh, sorry,” Mark smiled. His brain only currently had room for one priority worry at once. “Yeah good Mum thanks. Only p5 at the moment, but he said they were really working on some final race settings at the end, so hopefully it’ll be better in quali.”

“Good to hear. I take it he’s still working?”

Mark smiled.

“Yep and the rest are in hospitality, so I guess I’d better go join them.”

“Okay, well tell Seb good luck from me.”

“Will do Mum. Bye for now.”

“Bye dear.”

 

Diane ended the call and placed the phone on the table beside her cooling coffee before giving her full attention to the baby balanced on her lap, shifting to hold him with two arms rather than one now.

“So Daddy and Papa are fine,” she told him, “Papa’s having a nice time driving his car and hopefully your daddy isn’t fretting too much, either about you or him. So, now I’ll just have my drink sweetheart and then we’ll go for a wander.”

Diane smiled at her grandson and was thrilled when he smiled back at her. She stroked his cheek and shook her head a little, speaking more quietly.

“Oh Teddy, you’ve no idea how much I wished you lived closer lovely.” Diane sighed as she thought about how rarely she was likely to see her grandson. “Ah well, just have to visit, won’t we? Just have to make the best of our time together.”

 

Diane took her time sipping coffee, enjoying entertaining her grandson until he started fussing and she guessed he needed a nappy change. Once that was sorted she decided to make a move, placing Teddy into the pram then rearranged his little shorts and t-shirt.

“There now, perfect. No wonder people want your photo when you’re so beautiful.”

She smiled at him again, then pushed the pram out along the path through the busy park where nobody paid her a second glance; just another granny on babysitting duty, strolling along on a pleasant afternoon.

 

 

 

When Sebastian climbed into his car just before the start of qualifying, he looked over at his gathered family at the back of the garage before settling in to check his radio connection was working and have a last word with his guys. He caught sight of Ryan giving him an extra wave and tried not to laugh at his enthusiasm. It felt an awfully long time since his own enthusiasm for racing had been so innocent and uncomplicated. Now his head was full to the brim, not just of the pure excitement of seeing how fast he could go, but the plans his engineers had laid out for what he needed to do, the complexities of the machine he had to operate and the pressures on him to perform. Nevertheless, Seb gave his nephew a little wave back.

He smiled again as he did so and Seb caught the tease in Mark’s smile stood by his nephew as he watched on. It felt so nice to have him back there supporting from the sidelines. Seb could still feel his hug from a couple of minutes ago that they had shared out the back, just like in what Seb already thought of as ‘the old days’ before they had Teddy. He felt a bit guilty about it, but he was trying not to worry about their son while his grandmother was looking after him. Mark had told him she had assured all was well and Seb’s mother-in-law had sent them a picture of Teddy lying on his blanket on the grass, plainly quite happy, so he knew their son really was safe. It wasn’t what they had planned, but as long as Teddy was okay, maybe he didn’t need to feel quite so bad about him not being with him or Mark?

 

“Seb you all set?”

Sebastian switched back to the moment at the sound of his boss’s voice in his ear.

“Yep, all good,” he replied.

He pulled on his helmet as it was handed to him and clipped the HANS device in place, thanking his mechanic as he reached in to do up the belts. Sebastian gave the data screen in front of him a last look over then nodded to let them know it was okay to remove it now. He closed his eyes for a moment to shut out the bustle of the team working around him so he could visualise the track and remind himself what he needed to do to optimise one perfect lap around it. Unconsciously his head drifted from side to side, round each corner, through chicanes, along the straights, brake into the bend and pull away smoothly…

 

A few feet away Mark watched as the television coverage homed in to show Seb with his visor up, clearly going through his preparations before he went out. Part of him wanted to object at the intrusion of them going so close, but Mark couldn't help smiling at the familiar flicker of those blonde-tipped eyelashes. He knew exactly what Sebastian was doing and Mark found it comforting to see. All part of the normal routine. It told him that Seb was in the zone and not distracted by any media that clustered around in the paddock hoping to pick up something as they crossed their path. They could go on hoping. As those blue eyes popped open on the screen Mark saw only business there now. Good.

 

“Sebastian must be hoping for more from qualifying than he showed earlier today,” pronounced the television commentator as the camera panned out wider on the garage, “he certainly has plenty of support in the garage today as we see, including Mark of course as ever. No sign of the little one, though perhaps that’s not so surprising.”

Mark stopped himself from rolling his eyes as the television screens now showed them gathered at the back. No, it wasn’t surprising that Teddy wasn’t there. They’d never had any intention of bringing their infant son to watch qualifying from the garage, surrounded by all that noise and machinery, with cameras everywhere. _Idiots,_ rebuked Mark, but only in his head.

It felt so strange not to have his son with him though. Mark’s arms felt empty. No matter how safe he knew Teddy was Mark kept feeling as though he ought to be checking on him; looking to see the baby asleep a foot away in his pram or crib, listening out for crying and trying to work out if he was hungry or needed changing. Was he crying right now? Was Teddy missing him as Mark missed his son? Mark let out a long calming breath, telling himself off for fretting. Teddy was fine. Mark’s phone was in his pocket and if he was needed his mother would call as she had promised. In the meantime Mark knew should focus on where he was.

He saw the way his nieces self-consciously smiled and tried not to look at the camera while Ryan happily waved and grinned without a care, dressed in almost as much RedBull kit as the real team members working around him. Mark, like Seb, had to admit it was nice that he could be in the garage today. Logically he knew it made no difference to how Sebastian was likely to do or how safe he was, but it did feel good to be there, headphones on to listen in and looking over to Seb ready to give him an encouraging smile, even if it was all he could do.

 

 

 

As Britta walked him to the pen for the post-qualifying media session, Sebastian gave himself a quick talking to, reminding himself that despite his unhappiness at certain sectors of the press, they weren’t all his enemies. Many journalists did good work, reporting the real business of racing, uninterested in delving into drivers’ personal lives so they could share tittle-tattle with the public. Plenty of them were friendly and even supportive and nearly all of them just wanted something to use in their reports or pieces to camera. They really were just doing their job and so was he. So Sebastian made sure he had a smile on his face as he entered the pen, determined to be positive in the hope that meant those facing him would be the same.

It helped of course that RedBull were having a pretty good weekend. Seb didn’t have to try too hard to sound happy when he was being asked about his third place start on the grid for the race tomorrow and how he rated the team’s chances this year. He almost started to relax, until one of the print reporters asked again if he had seen the papers that morning.

“I don’t read them,” replied Sebastian evenly.

“Next,” hurried Britta, knowing what subject the following question was likely to be.

 

Seb was grateful for her vigilance and glanced in her direction to acknowledge Britta while already thinking of an answer for the next point he had just been asked regarding the new wider tyres affect on performance. He was sure that during the day Britta must have made another effort to emphasise her rules regarding interviews with Seb these days. Some still tried sliding something under the wire to catch him off-guard. One followed up his initial question about the relative merits of the RedBull and Mercedes front wing on their new cars by taking a complete side-step Britta knew was designed to throw her charge.

“So all-in-all you’re positive then?” asked the interviewer.

“Yep. Early days, but it’s not a bad place to start.”

“Literally.”

“Just so,” agreed Seb.

“All change this year.”

“Um, I guess. On the aero front certainly and I know the team have worked hard through the winter to optimise our chances there.”

“In other ways too,” segued the man smoothly. “Where’s the baby today?”

Sebastian’s mouth opened at their outright cheek. Britta glared at the man but Seb simply gave a tiny shake of his head, not wishing to escalate anything. The old instinct was still there in him to make an automatic joke of it to disarm the interviewer as he might in the past; to pat down his race-suit and pull a face before replying; ‘Damn, I knew we forgot something!’ to see if he could throw it back on them by making them laugh, but no, that was breaking the rules.

As was replying to say his son was of course being safely cared for by his grandmother, as if they would irresponsible enough to leave Teddy with anyone but the most trusted of carers. Sebastian reminded himself that he didn’t need to answer the question to justify anything or satisfy their endless curiosity. The last thing Seb wanted to do was give any enterprising soul the idea of researching what his mother-in-law looked like to see if they could track her down. For now Seb was fairly sure most people didn’t know what Diane looked like and an unassuming older lady out with a grandchild would attract little attention, which was a very reassuring thought, especially right now.

Seb reminded himself that he didn’t have to play their game. He didn’t have to kowtow to their demands and submit to their rules, they had to follow his. Or more accurately, Britta’s, but he had to remain firm too. Britta moved him on without submitting any answer, on round the pen, rewarding the work-related questions with full and friendly answers, freezing out anyone who tried to get personal. They had to learn and the discipline was as much required of Seb as those he faced.

 

“Looked busy in the RedBull garage today,” noted Lee as he got to the next corner.

Sebastian nodded.

“Guess so.”

“I suppose with it being Dan’s home race as well as relatively local for Mark’s family it’s bound to be popular for guests here.”

Seb simply nodded again.

“Does it help to have so much support there for you today?”

Sebastian wanted to say he had the same support the day before, it was just that they couldn’t be there in the garage to demonstrate it. He didn’t though.

“I always appreciate all the support I have.”

“Does it perhaps help with that p3 start on the grid tomorrow?”

“I think having a great new car and a great team helped with that p3,” reposted Seb with a smile.

“Ah, well I’m sure that’s true,” agreed Lee taking the hint. “So, about the new car then...”

 

Sebastian carried on around. Quite a few made the point about his supporters in the garage and he noted the way several tried dropping in the word ‘family’ to see how he reacted, but each time Seb diverted the subject matter back to racing, hoping that they got the message without Britta having to step in more bluntly. As they headed back to the base so he could change Sebastian looked to her.

“That was okay wasn’t it?” he checked.

“Yeah none of them were too bad.”

“No I meant me. I was trying to keep things upbeat.”

“Oh, yes of course. You did great.”

“Thanks. I just… I don’t want it to be a battle all the time. I can’t do that all year.”

Britta looked at him and nodded.

“It won’t be Seb, it’s going okay. They’re still learning, but I think most of them understand how things are now. We’re not asking anything unreasonable of them,” she assured him.

“Yeah. Okay, thanks.”

 

They were approaching the base now, so Britta held the door open for Seb as they entered.

“So if you change and have a break and then debrief in half an hour?” she reminded him.

“Sure.”

“Want me to meet you?”

“No I’ve got it.”

 

Sebastian saw several members of his family waving over from where they waited for him in hospitality so he waved back. Mark was already standing to meet him and Seb smiled, going over to get the hug he had been waiting for. He wished Mark had Teddy with him so he could give him a cuddle too, but they could call Diane now, check all was well. Then he could relax for a bit, get things sorted and finish up for the day. He’d get that cuddle with his son soon enough.

 

 

Half an hour later Sebastian looked at his watch as he sat chatting with everyone, now changed into his normal work clothes.

“Sorry I have to go,” he apologised.

“More work?” asked Dean across the table.

“Yeah the debrief, prep for tomorrow.” Seb looked to Mark. “I want to get a bit of time with the guys in the garage too, say thank you and stuff.”

“Course. Right, so...”

Seb could tell Mark wanted to get back. He wished he could go right now himself, but at least one of them could do so.

“I don’t know how long I’ll be Liebling. You go back and I’ll catch up.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yep.”

“Righto. Guess I should relieve Mum anyway.”

Sebastian stood up and thanked the rest for coming, Mark standing with him and giving him a hug.

“You did great today,” Mark reminded him.

Seb smiled, knowing Mark was giving him a little boost to help power on through the dregs of the working day.

“I wish I could go with you,” Seb admitted.

“I know. It’s fine. We’ll just have a quiet dinner in tonight.”

Seb nodded.

“I’ll try to be back for eight-ish.”

“Whenever, don’t worry.”

“Okay.” Seb turned to the others. “Sorry I’ve got to dash. Really glad you could come today.”

 

With returned thanks and more congratulations Sebastian left to plough on with his work. He did feel better than he had earlier. A decent result in quali helped, but it seemed leaving Teddy with his grandmother had been the right choice today. When they had called after he had changed, Diane was back in their room at the hotel. She managed to accept a Facetime call and Seb was relieved to see their son in his crib having a nap after what his mother-in-law described as ‘a very busy afternoon’. Mark would be back with him soon and Seb could just concentrate on work. It wasn’t ideal, but perhaps they just had to make sacrifices and changes to their plans? Seb still wasn’t sure what the best plan was for tomorrow.

As he sat though the debrief, Seb found his mind wandering, wondering if he just ought to give up the idea of Mark having their son with them at races altogether, or if they could find a way to make it work. They wouldn't have Diane everywhere, but if as Britta insisted, the paddock press were still learning how to behave, then maybe it would get easier and he was worrying for nothing?

“So all in all, we’re looking pretty good,” concluded Christian.

Sebastian shook himself internally, hoping whatever his boss had said preceding that hadn’t been important seeing as he had totally missed it. So much for concentrating. As the meeting broke up Sebastian stood and his boss came over.

“Not a bad day then,” Christian noted.

“Mm.”

“Britta said things were looking as though they’d calm down, with you know, all that.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Is Mark waiting on you?”

“Oh no he went back. I’m just gonna pop down to the garage, then I’ll meet him back at the hotel.”

“Ah okay, and tomorrow, is Mark’s mum looking after Teddy again, or is he coming with you?”

Seb puffed out a long breath.

“I dunno yet.”

“Okay, well… anything I can do.”

Seb gave his boss a smile.

“Thank you. We do appreciate your help.”

“Ah just a few calls. I’m sure it’ll blow over.”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, hopefully. Um, I’d better get on.”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian walked through the rapidly emptying paddock. He put his headphones back on, making it clear that he wasn’t in the mood to stop for anyone, even if he was alone. The clutch of press that had been around the RedBull base at the start of the day were long gone and Seb hoped that they had got the message, though perhaps they were just busy writing up their stories for the day in the media centre.

The only person he saw was as he approached the back of the garages, where Seb spotted Ted Kravitz patrolling along with his cameraman filming his little round-up qualifying notebook segment. Seb made sure to keep his pace quick and avoided making eye-contact as he swept on into the rear of his garage. As soon as he was out of sight Seb stopped and pulled his iPod out of his pocket to switch it off, removing his headphones and carefully winding the cable up so he could leave it on the side out of the way to collect on his way out.

A few feet away he could hear the television presenter still pontificating outside.

“A good day for RedBull of course, though Sebastian still in no mood to chat it seems.”

 _I’m busy,_ thought Seb, though for some reason he stayed listening, rather than going on into the main garage as he had intended to. There was a terrible compulsion to listen to what people said about you, even if you knew it was probably a mistake to earwig.

“He was on better form this afternoon, though no more keen to stray from the strict line the team seems to be taking,” stated Ted, looking to the camera pointed at him. “No chance you’ll get him off-topic these days, which is quite the contrast to his more ebullient team-mate. It’s a far more guarded Sebastian in 2017, though I suppose that’s not unreasonable in the circumstances. Mind your back Pete, there’s a cable, don’t trip over it. Yes, what was I saying? Oh yes, Vettel, or I should say of course, Vettel-Webber, has new priorities, though word has it that their little addition wasn’t even in the paddock today. Anyway, on to Force India’s mixed fortunes...”

Sebastian sighed. Of _course_ he was guarded. He had to be, seeing as he had something, or some _one_ he had to guard now. He shook his head, then went on in to the main garage to round up for the day.

 

 

He had forgotten all about the little near-encounter as Sebastian walked back to the base for the final time that day. Everywhere was very quiet now and it felt good to be able to switch off all concerns of watching out for any waiting media as he walked along listening to his music. Seb’s mind was filled instead with his immediate plan to grab his stuff from his room, then see if he could get a lift back with Britta to the hotel. He was so busy thinking about how nice it would be just to hole up in their room for the evening and whether Teddy might be awake when he got back, that Seb walked directly into the very man whom he had so studiously avoided earlier.

“Oh, sorry,” he apologised, pulling his headphones off to look who it was in the now low-light of falling dusk.

“World of your own there Seb,” teased Ted good-naturedly.

“Um, yeah sorry.”

“No worries. I don’t think I was looking either.”

Sebastian glanced to be certain that no one, and particularly no cameras, were around any more, but they were quite alone.

“You heading home now?” asked Ted conversationally.

Seb didn’t want to be rude, so he nodded. “You too?”

“Yep. Done for the day. Speaking of which, you didn’t have a bad one.”

“Thanks.”

“Hurrying home to the family?” Ted guessed.

Sebastian looked at him and Ted gave a shake of his head.

“Really Seb, it’s me just asking,” Ted despaired. “You’re not on the record.”

Seb was tempted to argue that his whole life seemed to be on the record at times, but the man seemed genuinely frustrated that he couldn’t have a normal conversation without Sebastian raising his hackles.

“Sorry.” Seb sighed. “Look, off the record...”

Ted frowned. “Of course,” he encouraged.

“Right, seriously, I know it must seem like we’re being massively uptight about stuff now, but we’re really not,” Seb explained. “We have to be this way. We don’t have a choice.”

“Because he’s adopted?”

Sebastian merely gave a tiny nod and Ted frowned again at how serious Seb seemed. He’d thought that Seb would at least have given them a few cracks about being kept up at night and joked that he came to grand prix for a rest these days, but there had been none of that. Ted nodded back.

“I heard what happened yesterday,” he sympathised. Sebastian looked as if he was about to be annoyed by him mentioning it, so Ted shook his head. “Not okay. That guy went way over the line. We do get that you know.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ve got kids myself.”

Seb nodded again, then shrugged.

“Then you should know there’s nothing we won’t do for our son. Even if it makes us look like arses to you guys.”

Ted shook his head.

“I don’t think people think that.”

“No?”

“No. Bit over-protective maybe, but I dunno, it makes sense I guess in the circumstances. Anyway, your business.”

“Right.”

“I wouldn't worry about it. Anyway, can I ask a question on the record?”

Sebastian sighed, but Ted shook his head.

“Not about this. I was just wondering, lots going on at the moment, change afoot and all that. You’re not thinking of moving on from RedBull are you?”

Seb frowned.

“Leave the team? No. Why would you think that?”

“Just checking. Silly season gets earlier every year.”

“Oh.” Seb shrugged. “I’m not sure it even counts as a silly season any more seeing as it seems to be year-round.”

“Good point. Well, can I take your denial officially?” pressed Ted.

“If you like. Not the rest.”

“Not the rest. Sure. Rules is rules. I know the game. Pity the poor souls who antagonise Britta.”

Sebastian simply smiled. He wasn’t at all sorry that Britta had such a formidable reputation.

“I need to get on,” he excused.

“My namesake waiting for you,” smiled Ted.

“Huh?”

“Ah don’t say you didn’t name him after me?”

Sebastian suddenly laughed as he realised the coincidence.

“Sorry, no, and that you can take that as official.”

Ted shook his head with mock sadness as Sebastian walked away. He watched him go for a moment before continuing on towards the paddock exit. Ted wondered if there was any chance Sebastian might lighten up as time went on, but for now it seemed the shutters were still pretty firmly closed. It seemed an awful long time since he had first met that rookie driver excitedly bouncing about the paddock, happy to chat and joke with anyone. Was it really ten years ago? A lot had changed in that time.

 

 

 

It was another half hour before Sebastian opened the door of his hotel room to find Mark sat with Teddy already dressed in his night babygro, lying on the sofa beside his father kicking his little legs as Mark tickled his tummy.

“Hello Liebling.”

Mark looked up.

“Oh hi sweetheart. Sorry, I didn’t hear the door.”

He picked Teddy up so Seb could sit, then smiled at the way Seb immediately held out his arms to take their son.

“Hey Schatz, did you have a nice day with Grandma?” Sebastian asked Teddy.

“Sounds like he did,” stated Mark.

“Did you say thank you to her?”

Mark gave him a look.

“Sorry.”

“Of course I did. She said she’s happy to take him tomorrow as well if we want.”

 

Sebastian nodded slowly, then looked back to the baby. He looked so cute all ready for bed. Mark had put him in a little onesie covered in tiny teddy-bears and he felt so warm and cosy. Teddy was snuggling into him now and Seb felt a terrible pang. All day he had been working hard to not let himself miss his son, but as he held him now, the prospect of him being away for another day seemed far worse.

“I don’t know Liebling. It doesn’t seem right.”

“She doesn’t mind.”

Seb puffed a long breath, wanting to say _he_ minded. It seemed ungrateful though, and if Teddy didn’t stay with Diane then it was Mark who would have to do the looking after at the track.

“It’s very kind of her,” he prevaricated.

Mark reached in to stroke Teddy’s cheek.

“Mm. I have missed you today kiddo.”

“It wasn’t _so_ bad at the track,” argued Seb. “Really just going in and out of places where they’re waiting for us.”

Mark nodded.

“I know it’s not really fair when you’d have to have him all day,” Seb continued.

“Ah it’s not that. It’s hardly a punishment. I know Mum or Leanne would happily take care of him either here or in hospitality.”

“But?”

“I dunno sweetheart. It was nice to be in the garage today, but it felt strange not to have him with me.”

“He was alright.”

“Course he was. It’s not him, it’s me.”

“Me too.”

“Of course you too darling.”

They looked at one another for a moment.

“I just don’t like feeling as though we’re sending him away,” confessed Seb. “I know it’s silly when of course he’s perfectly safe with your mum and I know she doesn’t mind, but...”

“You’d rather he was with us.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Is it selfish?”

“No. I’d rather have him with us too.”

“I know I’m off working anyway.”

“But even so.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark sighed and stroked over Teddy’s head. He huffed a little laugh.

“I got a text from Jenson asking after us,” he related.

“Me too, well actually it was from Jess and him.”

“Saying?”

“Like yours I guess, asking after us and saying well done on quali.”

Mark nodded, then gave a flick of his eyebrows.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“I take it you didn’t get the reply I got asking why we don’t just get a nanny.”

“Oh.”

“Mm. He seems to think it would make life simpler.”

“Is that what you think?” enquired Seb, wondering if that was Mark’s point.

Mark shook his head.

“Nope. Honestly sweetheart, the amount I worried over Mum taking him, there’s no way I could cope with letting a stranger do that.”

“Me neither,” agreed Seb feeling more than a little relieved that Mark agreed. “I know it puts more on you but...”

Mark shook his head again.

“It’s meant to be on me. No, he’s our son, he stays with us. As much as possible anyway. That’s how it’s meant to be.”

 

Sebastian smiled and leaned a little into him. Mark turned his head to kiss Seb’s temple. He knew Jenson would call them stubborn (and no doubt use more colourful language to accompany that) for refusing to take what he saw as the obvious solution, but Mark knew it would never make them happy. They would rather choose the hard route if it felt right than an easier option that felt wrong. They hadn’t gone through all this heartache to get their son only to hand him over to someone else just because it was more convenient.

“It’s okay,” he reassured Seb. “Why don’t we have a think about how we could manage things tomorrow?”

“We could go in really early?”

“Maybe. I said we’d ring round my folks, let them know our plans. There’s no rush. Let’s just order some dinner and relax, see what comes to us, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.” Sebastian looked down at Teddy. “He’s being so good.”

“Ah, well he’s just had a bottle,” Mark explained. “Reckon he might have a nap while we eat.” Mark fitted his arm around Seb and gave him a squeeze in. “For now sweetheart, let’s just appreciate the peace and quiet and not worry about anything for a while, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Seb dropped his head sideways onto Mark’s shoulder. A nice, safe, peaceful cuddle-up on the sofa together, almost as if they were home with no race and no media to worry about. Tomorrow, they deal with that tomorrow. Teddy waggled his legs and his parents gazed down at him, smiling and giving their son the attention he wanted. It had been a long afternoon to be apart. No matter how nice it had been for Mark to be in the garage, or how content and well cared for Teddy had been away from them, it didn’t feel right. They’d have to think of a plan.

 

 

* * *

 


	213. Undercover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunday night, back in work in the morning. Seems appropriate to post a chapter. I hope you guys are all doing okay.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning Mark walked into the paddock with his parents. Seb had gone in earlier still to begin preparations, but the rest of the family had left it until nearly midday. The plan being that Sebastian would join them for lunch before things really got going ahead of the race. A little way ahead of Mark walked his sister Leanne with her husband Dean and their ‘four’ children. Mark watched like a hawk as Leanne pushed the pram containing Teddy who was hopefully still asleep as he had been when Mark had transferred him into there from his car seat a couple of minutes ago.

It had been his sister's idea to try this and Mark had to admit; so far so good. The little family group walked a dozen or so feet in front, close enough to watch and if necessary run to catch up if anything happened, but far enough away that there no was no indication that there was any connection between the two groups. As they walked along Mark scrutinized the crowd to be sure that nobody paid the group ahead the least bit of attention. Despite cameras picking up on his family in the garage the day before it seemed nobody recognised his sister, nor twigged that Mark walking behind was linked to them.

Plenty of people looked Mark’s way, but he kept his eyes looking in front, on guard at all times in case he needed to step in. As they approached the RedBull base there were more people about and Mark spotted a few media representatives gathered near the entrance, reporters and a couple of television cameras waiting. His instinct was to rush ahead to guard his son, but Mark repressed it, trying not to quicken his pace so there remained a gap.

 

A moment later he was glad he had managed to stay back as the reporters and cameras all turned his way, coming towards him whilst Leanne and the pram sailed past them of no interest whatsoever. Dean held the door open as his wife pushed the pram inside the base and once the door swung shut behind the little group Mark finally turned his attention to those who had come his way. A few questions were called out, but Mark merely nodded towards the entrance to Redbull’s base, encouraging his parents to keep walking and ignore anything said to them as they too walked inside.

A dozen feet away the rest of the family were snagging themselves a couple of tables to sit at, the children helping Dean pull them closer to make a group. As they reached them Leanne gave Mark a smile.

“Ha, worked didn’t it?” she laughed.

Mark nodded and lifted Teddy out of the pram to give him a cuddle now he was safe inside. That had been far harder in practise than in theory. He gave his son a kiss on the cheek and smiled as those blue eyes opened to look at him.

“Daddy’s here sweetheart,” he greeted softly.

“Nobody even looked at us,” announced Ryan happily, pleased with their ruse which to him was merely a game.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Thanks.”

“Undercover mother,” teased Leanne.

Mark nodded, though it had been too tense an experience for him to joke about. His own mother gave his arm a rub, knowing he had been worrying.

“Have a sit,” she encourage.

Mark did so, shifting Teddy so he could pull out his phone to text Seb to let him know that their subterfuge had worked. Five minutes later Seb was back with them, taking a break from his preparations to get an opportunity to hold Teddy himself.

“Thanks Leanne.”

His sister-in-law shook her head.

“My pleasure. They’re pretty dense that lot aren’t they?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Don’t think they’d appreciate being called that,” he noted. “Were they still out there now?”

Seb nodded.

“Just a few. One of them asked if I had all the family here today.”

“Hmm.”

Both of them knew what was implied in that question. No doubt they had confused them now, but the media weren’t going to be given any answers to assuage their curiosity.

“They didn’t even look at us,” noted Jemma, almost sounding disappointed.

“Good thing too,” asserted Alan. “Well, that’s sorted. By the time you go home tonight I should think they’ll have long given up.”

“I’m sure they will too,” agreed Mark.

“You know I really don’t mind looking after him this afternoon,” offered Leanne. “Then you could go down to the garage to watch the race from there.”

Mark looked to Seb by his side. They had discussed this at length more than once.

“That’s very kind, but...”

“I’m not going down either,” added his mother. “We could look after him.”

Mark shook his head.

“Really it’s fine. I’ll just feel better watching it here with him.”

 

He looked to Seb who nodded. They both understood that logic didn’t always apply when it came to their child. Mark had explained to Seb that he wanted to have Teddy with him while the race went on and Seb knew what Mark meant when he had said it would be a comfort to hold their son while he watched. Yesterday had been quite enough to get through without repeating it.

Mark looked back to his mother and sister.

“Maybe you could look after him if I just bob down to the garage before the start? Just for five minutes?”

“Of course,” consented Diane. “As long as you need.”

“I just...” Mark glanced to Sebastian then back to his mother, “I just like to say good luck beforehand.”

Seb gave him a smile. Logically of course Mark could say good luck here. He could give Seb his hug in his room, but that wasn’t quite the same as doing that in the back of the garage right before Sebastian got in the car. It wasn’t about logic.

“I could bring Teddy down if you like?” offered Leanne. “Try the same trick?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I dunno. I think they’re far more likely to twig at the garage.”

“I suppose.”

“It’s very kind of you,” added Sebastian.

“Ah that’s alright. I guess we would be pushing our luck,” Leanne conceded.

“More families come in here you see, they wouldn’t think to check.”

“Of course. Well, whatever you need.”

“Thank you. We really do appreciate it don’t we Liebling?”

“Course,” agreed Mark.

“I can take him if he needs a nappy change in the middle of the race?”

Mark huffed a laugh and gave Seb a wink.

“Am I a bad father if I agree to that one?”

“Course not.”

“We’re very spoilt.” Mark looked to his sister. “Really. Thanks.”

“So, what now then?” enquired his father.

“Now? Lunch,” smiled Mark. “That at least is straight-forward.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh beside him. It was about the _only_ straight-forward part of their day.

 

 

It was a couple of hours later that Mark walked down to the garage. The rest of the family who had wanted to watch the race from the garage had gone on ahead seeing as Mark had hung on until the last moment to time it right. As he approached the rear entrance to the garage there were a few cameras pointed his way and Mark was glad he was alone. He swept on past them without pause, going on through to the main garage where he greeted the others and gave Seb a wave where he was talking with his mechanics by the car. Mark smiled automatically at the bright smile on Sebastian’s face the moment he saw him. Seb excused himself and came over, nodding to his extended family again as he went with Mark into the back.

“Hey sweetheart, all set then?”

“Yep.”

“Teddy enjoyed watching the drivers’ parade.”

“Did he?”

Mark nodded.

“Yep, he gave you a wave.”

Sebastian chuckled, knowing that was Mark moving their son’s hand, but he liked the idea of it anyway.

“Tell him thanks.”

“Will do. Okay, well I guess this is just me saying good luck.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark pulled Seb into a hug and Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment to absorb it, only re-opening them as he felt Mark’s nose rub his, moving in for a kiss. Seb smiled as he kissed Mark back, then stood away with a sigh.

“I need to go.”

Mark nodded.

“Me too I guess.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian stood there looking at him, failing to go through as he needed to.

“You sure you’re okay with me staying with Teddy,” checked Mark.

“Of course. No Liebling you should be with him.”

“Okay. Well, I know you’ll go great. We’ll be watching. Love you.”

“Love you too, both of you.”

Sebastian pushed up on his toes to steal another quick kiss, then tore himself away. Mark watched as Seb passed back into the main garage, accepting more last good lucks from his supporters in there before returning to his car. Mark stayed back from the entrance way so Seb couldn’t see him. It wasn’t fair to linger. That would only remind Seb that he wasn’t going to be in there watching him race. Mark turned around to go back to the base. He’d give Teddy a cuddle, that would cheer him up. Mark hoped to god that his son was in a good mood this afternoon and let him watch the race in relative peace. If Teddy howled the place down, for all his mother and sister's offers of help, Mark knew his plans would be rather scuppered.

 

 

As he arrived back in hospitality his mother handed Teddy back over to her son.

“All alright then?” she checked.

“Fine, yeah. Thanks for looking after him.”

Diane just gave a little shake of her head.

“You’re sure you don’t mind watching from here,” Mark enquired.

“Me? Oh I never really liked being in the garages to be honest,” she admitted.

“Yesterday was quite enough for me,” added Leanne. “All those fumes and noisy machinery and everyone rushing busily about. It almost makes me dizzy there’s so much going on.”

Mark smiled. That sounded like home to him.

“Well I’m glad to have the company. Aren’t we mate?”

Teddy burbled something and Mark smiled at him. It was no real hardship to be away from the garage he was used to. The only thing that bothered him was Seb looking over and not seeing him there.

“Okay?” asked his mother.

Mark looked up and nodded.

 

He went back to paying attention to his son while his mother and sister chatted until he caught Seb’s name being mentioned on the televisions playing out the pre-race coverage.

“Sebastian Vettel-Webber there, getting ready to go.”

Mark pointed a finger at the screen.

“There’s Papa darling, can you see him?”

He looked at Seb doing the same as he had yesterday; sat in his car, running the track in his mind.

“There’s been a bit of talk about potential moves afoot amongst teams and drivers,” continued the coverage, “apparently a succession of high profile drivers have been seen visiting RedBull’s base this weekend causing yet more speculation, though both RedBull drivers have denied any suggestion that they might be leaving the team for pastures new.”

Diane and Leanne looked to Mark in surprise, but Mark simply laughed.

“What?” frowned his sister.

“It’s this little guy. They were visiting him, the other drivers on Friday. They just came to say hello and, ha, typical media making something out of nothing.” Mark shook his head and smiled at his son. “You’re stirring things up again kiddo. How’d you manage it?”

“Who was here?” asked Leanne.

Mark shrugged.

“Only Lewis and Nando, sorry _Fer_ nando. Unless they think DC is about to come out of retirement.”

“Building things up again,” noted Diane. “I hope they’re not bothering Seb about it.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“To be honest I think he’d probably think talking about that nonsense counts as light relief.”

His mother gave his arm a rub.

“Of course dear. Just more silliness.”

Mark nodded. As usual people were adding two and two and making five. Jumping to the wrong conclusions based on their own assumptions. An F1 driver couldn’t just pop by to say hello and visit an opposing team’s base for purely ordinary reasons, it had to be something mysterious going on. Not just friends wanting to see another friend’s baby like normal people did.

“You’ve got an awful lot of uncles,” Mark noted to Teddy. “Plenty of aunties too.”

“I hope I’m top of that list,” joked Leanne.

“Oh definitely top five.”

Leanne rolled her eyes at Mark teasing her, but she was glad to see her brother looking more relaxed now. No doubt as they got closer to the off he would start to feel more tension, but having someone around who cared nothing for the race result had to be a help.

 

 

As Seb drove out of the garage, he determinedly thought nothing of the fact that Mark wasn’t in there with the rest of those supporting him. He knew he should just be grateful he had so many who were. He drove around the track talking things through with his engineers, feeding back that everything seemed okay before slowing as he approached the grid ready to be rolled into place. He climbed out and exchanged a few words with his boss and the mechanics there, then went to nip to the toilet before finding a spot to sit at the side of the track.

He wasn’t in the mood to talk to any roving grid-walkers so Seb took his headphones out of the backpack brought out for him and put them on, shutting out the noise from the organised chaos surrounding him and just shut his eyes. So Mark wasn’t in the garage? He was watching it on TV just the same, only a little further away. He’d be there waiting for him after the race to give Seb a big hug no matter what happened. In the meantime he was looking after their son and that was the priority, not him. Sebastian knew he just had to do his job as Mark was.

 

 

Back at the base Mark had half an eye on the television as it covered the preparations for the start, only looking properly as Seb appeared. The camera had panned around to show him sat on the side of the grid, headphones on, plainly not wanting to talk.

“And there is our p3 starter today, getting a moment to prepare himself for the race,” stated the presenter, “I think we’ll leave him to it. Unusual these days not to see Mark there in the garage supporting him, but presumably he is off on other duties.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head. Even when they didn’t specifically mention things the media still seemed to find a way to hint about them.

“Of course you’re supporting him,” argued Diane sounding annoyed.

“It’s okay Mum.”

“Hmm.”

Just at that moment Seb clocked the camera pointed at him and though he had no wish to encourage them to come over he smiled and waved. A wave for Mark and Teddy, for his brother who had texted good luck at least three times already today, to the rest of his family up at a fairly ungodly hour to watch him race from Germany and the rest of his Australian family in the garage and the RedBull base.

“Hey sweetheart,” responded Mark quietly.

His mother and sister smiled as they watched him moved Teddy’s hand to give his papa a little wave back. Good job they weren’t in the garage really, no doubt the cameras would eat that stuff up.

Time ticked away until it was close on four pm and the cars were all doing their outlap while the teams raced with almost equal speed to clear the grid before the start. Mark closed his eyes for a second in silent prayer: _‘I honestly don’t care what happens as long as he comes back safe to us, that’s all I need please,_ ’ Mark requested in his head. He opened his eyes and gave Teddy a smile.

“Though a good result would be nice,” he admitted out-loud.

“Hm?” frowned Leanne.

“Oh, nothing.”

Mark took a deep breath and held Teddy close, hoping he couldn't feel how hard his heart was pounding as the cars lined up before the five red lights that any second would turn green and unleash the power of all those revving engines hurtling towards the first corner.

‘ _Just come back safe, come back safe,’_ repeated Mark in his head.

 

In an instant the lights switched to green and they were off. Sebastian had forced his own head to clear of all thoughts about his family and how they might be feeling. There was no room for any of that, only pressing the accelerator, changing up through the gears, aiming for a gap and avoiding everybody else doing precisely the same thing.

 

 

 

It was an impressive full half hour before Teddy began crying and Mark dragged his eyes from the screen to stand so he could place his son down in his pram so he could check his nappy. As he rebuttoned his little under-babygro and pulled Teddy’s shorts back up Mark’s mother stood, already guessing from his expression what was needed.

“I’ll take him,” she offered.

“Oh, um.”

“It’s fine. We’ll only be a couple of minutes.”

Mark lifted Teddy out and his mother held her hands ready to take him. Mark wanted to say he would do it, but he couldn’t stop his eyes going back to the race playing on the television screen and his mother raised an eyebrow. He huffed a little laugh, knowing he was too easy to read and passed Teddy over.

“Thanks Mum, all his nappy stuff is set out on the bed ready.”

“Righto, we’ll be right back. Shhh sweetheart, come with Grandma now. we’ll soon have you sorted out my lovely.”

Mark watched his mother take his wailing child from the room, then sat back down to re-focus on the race. Maybe he’d miss nothing, but it felt like a risk.

“He’s doing good,” praised Leanne.

“Hm?”

“Seb.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

His sister gave him a smile and patted Mark’s arm in sympathy. It took a little longer for the other pair to return, Mark’s mother explaining that she had decided to wait until Teddy had quieted and calmed down before bringing him back through. To Mark’s mind he would rather have his son back as soon as possible, but a quick glance around hospitality reminded him that the other occupants of the room probably would thank his mother.

 

To that end Mark tried to keep a look out for any signs Teddy gave him and twenty minutes later as the baby began to move his face about and snuffle into him, so Mark took the hint before he began crying. He started reaching for the baby bag to get a bottle out, but Leanne took over.

“Here,” she put the bottle on the table. “You just need hot water, right?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“I’ll get it.”

Mark smiled to Teddy as his sister went to make the request on their behalf.

“We’re spoiled today buddy-boy.”

Not long later Teddy had the warm milk he needed and Mark could go back to watching the race. Both his mother and sister had offered to take the baby, but it was comforting to hold onto his son like this, glancing between the television and Teddy to make sure that both husband and son were okay. Not too long now, just a bit more to get through.

 

 

 

It was almost another hour of barely suppressed anxiety before Mark breathed out a sigh of relief as Seb crossed the line, not just in one piece, but in third place. Diane and Leanne applauded along with most of the other people in RedBull hospitality, but Mark was too busy lifting Teddy out of his pram as he woke up right on cue. He carefully pulled off the headphones that had been helping him sleep and gave Teddy a kiss.

“You pick your moments sweetheart,” Mark greeted his sleepy-eyed son.

He turned him around and pointed at the screen.

“Look darling. Papa came third. Isn’t he brilliant?”

Mark turned Teddy around to let him lie into his shoulder, still smiling in at him though the baby had shown no interest in the activities shown on screen.

“Yes he is, your papa’s brilliant.”

Teddy naturally made no reply so Mark looked back to his companions.

“Wasn’t he great?”

Mark’s mother and sister smiled at how excited Mark was now the race was over. Whilst it was going on he had barely spoken, but now he was bubbling over with a combination of happiness and relief. Mark kissed Teddy’s forehead and gave him a gentle squeeze as the cameras showed the celebrating RedBull garage. They were understandably thrilled to have two drivers on the podium, Dan in second as well as Seb in third, but it struck Mark how loud and confusing that would be for Teddy even if he was wearing his ear-defenders. He wished he could hurry to go and meet Seb getting out of Parc Fermé as he always used to, but Mark hoped Sebastian would understand that he didn’t want to ditch their son to run off. It just didn’t feel right. Instead Mark kept Teddy close, explaining to him what was happening and telling him how proud he should be of his papa.

 

A few minutes later Sebastian was in the podium ante-room, chatting happily with Dan and Lewis as they drank water and pulled on the obligatory caps and watches. He hadn’t expected to see Mark by the barriers, nor did he expect to see him below the podium. For some reason it didn’t even occur to Seb to think that his husband could leave their son with his grandmother and aunt. All he thought about was how pleased he was that today had worked out, that he had got a good result to start the season and that it might give people something else to talk about.

They went out onto the podium, Seb waving with the others and not surprised at all that his team-mate got the loudest cheers. He was a little surprised to look down and see those members of his family that had been in the garage down below, but as he saw how enthusiastically his young nephew was waving Seb realised he shouldn’t be. He waved back happily, then looked for a camera and waved to that so it would reach those who couldn’t see him in person.

 

Mark waved back, staring at the screen now.

“Well done sweetheart, well done,” he repeated under his breath.

 

“So Sebastian, a good result for you even if your team-mate did leap-frog you to get second?” enquired the podium interviewer as he reached him after the preceding placed drivers.

“Yeah good. We had different strategies after quali so that’s just how it goes,” replied Seb. “I’m very happy to get a podium finish today. It’s a great result for the team and a good start to the season.”

“Certainly a popular one here today.”

Sebastian just smiled and nodded. He was pretty sure most of that was for Dan not him, but there was no point saying so.

“It seemed you had plenty of support in the garage today, was that a help to you?”

“Of course,” replied Seb automatically.

He stopped, realising he was about to say something about how much his family meant to him and how thankful he was they were here, but Seb realised just in time that he would be breaking Britta's strict rules. It hurt. Suddenly amongst all those smiles and cheers, Sebastian felt the weight of that: he could even thank his family for fear of opening that up as an approved route of discourse. It was so unfair. He took a deep breath and tried to think what he _could_ say.

“I couldn't do any of this without the support I have. I’m very grateful for it and I know how lucky I am, so thank you.”

He looked directly at the camera pointed at him, hoping that Mark knew he meant him above all.

“Indeed,” breezed on the interviewer moving back to the centre. “So, Lewis, a win to start the season. Another championship on the cards?”

 

Back in RedBull hospitality Mark’s mother touched his arm.

“Are you alright dear?”

“Hm?” Mark looked to her, not realising how emotional he appeared. “Oh yeah, fine.”

On her other side Leanne just gave her mother a little shake of her head telling her to leave it. As the drivers trooped off the podium Mark had turned to his son.

“We’ll see Papa in a bit. He’s got stuff to do. Then we’ll get to tell him well done, won’t we kiddo?”

 

 

It seemed an interminable amount of time before Seb could finally escape his post-race duties to get back to the base to change and get a short break before finishing up with the team. As he walked into hospitality Sebastian saw his extended family all sat around, but no sign of husband or son. Ryan bounced up and rushed over as Seb walked across to them.

“Uncle Seb! You were great!”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thanks. Did you enjoy it then?”

“Yeah it was awesome.” Ryan caught his mother’s hinting nod. “Oh and thank you for having us in the garage again. It’s so cool in there.”

“No problem.”

Seb was stood by the table, accepting more praise and thanking them, then before he could ask the question he wanted to, his mother-in-law gave him a smile.

“They’re in your room dear. Teddy wanted to sleep and I think Mark was tired too so I sent them for a lie-down.”

“Oh right, umm, well if you’ll excuse me.”

 

Very quietly Sebastian opened the door to his room and tried to tip-toe in, but Mark turned and sat up from where he lay on the bed.

“Oh hey sweetheart.”

Sebastian was about to apologise for disturbing them, but Mark was smiling and coming over for a hug and as he was enveloped in those strong warm arms Seb forgot all about everything else and hugged Mark back, squeezing around him before turning his head to get a kiss.

“Well done darling. Really, that was great,” praised Mark.

Seb smiled as he stood back a little.

“Thanks.”

“I’m so sorry we couldn’t be there.”

“Where?”

“When you got out of the car, at the podium.”

“Oh. Oh no that’s okay, you had Teddy.”

He looked down at their son sleeping peacefully in his pram.

“Was he good?” Seb enquired.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah not bad. He missed the end though.”

“Oh did he? Well, never mind,” shrugged Seb knowing Teddy was too young to understand what was going on anyway.

“Caught you on the podium though,” noted Mark. “He woke up specially.”

 

Seb reached into the pram to stroke Teddy’s cheek then looked to Mark.

“I really wanted to say thank you properly.”

“You did.”

“No I didn’t.” Sebastian sighed and shook his head. “I wish I could. I feel like I’ve only just got used to being normal about stuff in public and now I’ve had to go back to keeping everything in again like I’m ashamed of my family.”

“Seb.”

“I do though.”

Mark sighed and took Seb to sit on the bed.

“It’s not the same,” he stated.

“Isn’t it though?”

“No.” Mark shook his head and took Sebastian’s hand. “No one thinks you’re ashamed of your family. You’re just protecting us, protecting Teddy.”

“I guess.” Seb took a deep breath. “You knew I meant you didn’t you? On the podium.”

“Course I did and I’m pretty sure anyone with half a brain knew that too.”

Sebastian squished his face about.

“There’s a part of me that wants to tell them all to get stuffed. I want to get up there and say how amazing you are and how I’ll show our son the trophy because it’s for him and how much I love him and you and how great it is all your family has come here to support me and...”

He sighed and Mark leaned in to kiss him.

“I know. I know sweetheart.”

“But then all the headlines would be about me talking about Teddy and it gives them permission to talk about him too and ask more questions and...”

“Sweetheart I get it.”

Seb pouted.

“It just… it sucks.”

“Yeah. It does.” Mark shrugged a shoulder. “It’s just how it is. As long as you and I know how things really are then that’s all that matters.”

“I guess.” Sebastian looked at Mark. “I still wish I could tell the world how amazing you are.”

Mark chuckled and pulled Seb in close.

“You can tell me that in private all you like.”

“I mean it Liebling.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“I know darling. That’s the good bit. All those guys that go up there on the podium with their pat little ‘this is thanks to all the fans’ and you say more sincere thanks with just your eyes.”

“I did try to say thank you,” argued Seb.

“I know.”

“And I think some people really do mean it when they thank the fans.”

Mark chuckled again and shook his head. Seb had to see the best in people.

“Sure. Anyway, all I’m saying is I understand and isn’t that what matters in the end?”

 

Sebastian nodded. He slipped his arms around Mark’s waist to press into him nicely while their son didn’t need their attention for a bit.

“Are you in a rush to get back?” asked Mark.

“No I’ve got a while.”

“Want to lie down?”

Sebastian nodded. He already had his race-suit undone to the waist, but now he peeled it off altogether, leaving it and his race boots to the side so he could crawl onto the bed with Mark just dressed in his fireproof long race underwear. As Mark pulled him in to snuggle up so they could fit onto the little bed together. Sebastian sighed as he rested his head on Mark’s chest, then lifted it up and tried to look back to see if Teddy was okay.

“He’s fine darling. Fast asleep.”

Seb rested back down, his arm wrapped around Mark’s front to hold onto him.

“I’m so tired Liebling. These new cars… Pfff.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian rubbed his cheek into Mark’s t-shirt.

“I know that’s not fair when you’re the one up all night.”

“I’m not the one who’s just been in an F1 race.”

“Mmm.”

“For which well done again darling.”

“Thank you.” Sebastian tipped up his head to look at Mark. “I really meant it Liebling. I couldn't have done it without you.”

Mark simply smiled and kissed his forehead.

“Love you,” replied Seb as he settled back in.

Mark wanted to laugh at how that was directed mostly into his t-shirt.

“Love you too darling.”

“Can we just stay here a bit?”

“Sure.”

“I’m all sweaty.”

“I don’t care.”

“Your family are waiting.”

“They’ll wait.”

Mark saw that lovely smile curving Seb’s cheeks and smiled himself.

“Five minutes darling. We get five minutes at least. That’s our reward.”

“Mmm.” Seb closed his eyes. “Do you think he’ll sleep on the flight home?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Fat chance.”

“Yeah,” sighed Sebastian.

Just five minutes then. They could have five minutes peace. They’d earned that at least.

 

 

 

Once they had both had a little rest and Seb had showered and changed they went back to the hospitality to spend a last bit of time with their family before they had to go in time to catch their flight. Though Seb had missed Teddy seeing as he had been working all day he let him be passed around for final fusses and holds from his relatives. Neither he nor Mark could miss how Diane didn’t want to let go of him. When it finally hit the time they had to go and Seb had to return for his debrief his mother-in-law sighed, feeling heartbroken to have to hand Teddy over to Mark, kissing the top of the baby’s head and stroking his cheek sadly.

“You be a good boy for your daddy and papa,” she instructed.

“Ah he’s good as gold, aren’t you mate?” asserted her husband.

“You will call us, won’t you?” Diane requested.

“Of course we will,” consented Mark.

“Let us know you’re home safe.”

“A text will do,” intervened Alan. “Call us when you’ve had time to recover.”

“That’s what I meant,” insisted Diane.

“We will Mum, I promise.”

“And you’ll do more of those facey-thingies?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Facetiming. Yeah, we’ll do that.”

“Okay… well. I suppose we have to go.”

Alan shook his head.

“We’ll be over to see them in a couple of months.”

“I know, but...”

“We’ll see you soon Mum,” assured Mark.

“And we’ll Facetime lots so you can see Teddy,” added Seb.

“Okay, well...”

“Come on, we need to get going,” asserted Alan thinking no good came of stringing this parting out any longer.

Diane huffed at him pushing her, but she could see the rest of the family all waiting on her so she gave Seb a hug and a half-hug to Mark with Teddy, then with final goodbyes all round she dragged herself away. As they walked through the paddock her husband put his arm around her.

“We’ll see them soon,” he assured.

“August.”

“That’s soon.”

Diane sighed heavily. August wasn’t soon at all. It was _months_ away. They would miss so much of their grandson growing up. By her side Alan gave her arm a rub. He was pretty sure there would be tears once they got home, but she’d hold them in until then.

  


Back in hospitality Seb looked to Mark.

“Are you okay Liebling?”

“Hm? Yeah. I think Mum’s a bit cut up we’re leaving.”

“Mm. Ah well we’ll just have to call lots, send them more pictures.”

Mark nodded.

“Right. You need to get on too sweetheart.”

“Yeah. Okay well I shouldn’t be too long. Just the debrief and bob down the garage to round things up.”

“Sure.” Mark glanced outside to the fast emptying paddock. “I was just thinking. We never got chance to come down to say hi to the guys like we promised. D’you reckon we could get away with it now?”

Sebastian looked out of the window at the fading light and puffed a breath.

“Maybe in a bit,” he conceded.

“That’s what I meant. In an hour or so pretty much everyone will have gone. The media will all of high-tailed it to the airport or be frantically writing stuff up in the media centre.”

“I guess.”

“Well tell you what, why don’t you text me when you’re pretty much done in the garage and I’ll see if it looks deserted out and if it does we’ll pop along to say hello. How’s that?”

“Yeah okay. I guess most people should be gone by then,” agreed Seb.

“Right you are then. I think we’ll just go back to your room. Feels weirdly quiet in here now.”

Sebastian nodded and gave them both a quick kiss before setting off, hoping that it wouldn’t take too long to get the day rounded up so that they too could get on their way home.

 

 

It was over an hour before Mark got the text he had been waiting for and replied to say they would be along shortly. He hadn’t looked outside, but Mark was sure they must be okay this late on seeing as it was eight pm and the circuit was closed to the public now. He decided not to bother with the pram and instead put his son’s little stripy cardigan on him then picked him up to simply carry Teddy, holding him up into his chest. He paused at the exit of hospitality to look outside just to be sure all was clear as he had promised, then wrapped his open hoody around the baby, partly in case they did by any chance pass any people and partly because it really was dark now and the air was bound to be cooler.

Walking through the reassuringly deserted paddock to the garages, Mark looked down to Teddy buried into him, then paused and rearranged the ear-defenders he had thought to put on him just in case. As they reached the garages Mark was glad he had considered how noisy it might be. Each doorway they passed leaked out bright light accompanied by clanking of machinery, loud exchanges and blaring music. None louder of course than the RedBull garage. Mark stopped at the entrance, wondering who on the team had decided that blasting thumping techno music was the perfect incentive to help the big pack-up at the end of a race weekend. Unless it was to encourage people to get it done so they could escape as soon as possible, Mark was at a loss.

There were trucks and forklifts moving about loading crates and kit outside each garage so Mark had taken care to walk well out of their way, but as he stood at the RedBull entrance a couple of the guys came out lugging a huge box between them and Mark stepped aside. As they saw him they stopped and put their burden down with a puff, peering into the darkness as their eyes adjusted from the brightness inside the garage.

“Mark?”

“Oh hey.”

Both men stood up and came closer to see what the little bundle he had attached to him was.

“Oh hey! It’s little Teddy,” realised one of them, sounding delighted.

“We thought we’d just bob down to say hi,” explained Mark. “Is Seb about?”

“Yeah come in.”

Mark was ushered inside, passing a couple more of the team in the rear of the garage still sorting out piles of tyres, exchanging more hellos before entering the main garage that was a hive of activity.

“Seb!” bellowed the man who had led Mark in. “Your hubby’s here.”

Mark rolled his eyes as the mechanic grinned at calling him that, but as the call rang out everyone seemed to turn to him and the whole garage seemed to stop.

“Um, hi all.”

His voice was lost in the din, but moments later somebody gave another a quick shove in the arm at seeing the baby there too and the loud music instantly died as he switched it off.

“Hi,” repeated Mark a little awkwardly, feeling all eyes on him.

Over to the side Sebastian turned around and a beaming smile spread over his face as he saw that Mark and Teddy had arrived.

“Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh at how pleased Sebastian sounded. He walked over, hitching Teddy around slightly so he could see him.

“Look darling. Here’s Papa. We found where he’s been hiding.”

“Tsk. Not hiding. Working,” corrected Seb.

“Yeah that.”

Sebastian took Teddy to give him a cuddle.

“Hello Schatz have you come to see what I’m doing?”

“You about done?” checked Mark.

“Yep pretty much.”

 

Mark glanced around to see that rather than go on with their tidy-up and pack away, most of the occupants of the garage had come to crowd around to see Teddy. Seb held him so they could see the baby and soon they were all re-introducing themselves, as if Teddy would remember who was his Uncle Mike, and who was Uncle Dave and on and on. Mark had removed Teddy’s earphones now it was quiet in here, but he knew their son wasn’t really taking any of their words in. He did stare out with those big blue eyes at all the faces looking in at him though, frowning a little as one or two of the mechanics amused themselves by shaking his tiny hand and then laughing at how nonplussed the baby looked.

“Poor little thing,” sympathised Steve. “All these ugly mugs gawping in at you.”

“Speak for yourself,” joked Dave. “He likes us.”

“Course he does,” assured Sebastian. “It’s just new.”

“You’ll have to bring him down more often.”

“Yeah he can be our mascot.”

Seb and Mark looked to one another. They didn’t want to make any promises given how this weekend had gone.

“What happened to his little race-suit we got him?” asked one.

“Ah, sorry. He’s still too small for it yet,” apologised Mark.

“Really? He looks bigger than he was.”

“He’s still a bit small for his age seeing as he was early,” explained Seb.

“Ah right. How old is he now?”

“Three months next week.”

Sebastian smiled at Teddy, then at Mark. Their baby was almost three months old. It felt like a miracle. Even with everything they had been though and all the worries they still held about progressing with adopting him, they had to appreciate that their son was happy and healthy and here with them.

 

As their son continued to attract a fuss around them Seb and Mark didn’t notice Christian walking into the garage. He frowned at the lack of work going on and wondered why almost everyone seemed to be huddled together in the middle of the garage, but as he got closer Christian shook his head and smiled.

“Who’s this causing chaos in my garage?”

The gathered crowd all turned around, several looking slightly guilty to be caught not working.

“Aha, my godson. I might have guessed. How does one so small cause such a fuss eh?”

Christian swept in to say hello and Seb passed Teddy over to him as the mechanics started to melt away.

“Look busy for the boss,” whispered Dave into Steve’s ear as they went to pack away the wheel guns.

Left increasingly alone in the middle of the garage Christian jigged Teddy up in his arms.

“Aren’t you a happy little fellow? Have you come to see your Uncle Christian?”

Teddy pawed at his face and Christian smiled, no thought of stopping him. It had been such a hectic weekend he’d hardly had time to more than say passing hellos if he saw Mark with the baby in hospitality until now.

“Sorry for disrupting things,” apologised Mark. “We just wanted to say hi, well, hi and bye really.”

“You off then?”

“Yes I think so,” agreed Seb. “We’re all sorted aren’t we Liebling?”

“Yep, just need to grab our stuff and go.”

“Has your family gone?” enquired Christian.

“Yeah well on their way by now. The kids have school in the morning.”

“Oh of course.”

“They said to say thank you again.”

“Ah no bother. Nice to have a family atmosphere in here.”

Mark huffed a laugh. It definitely was a family in here now. For a moment it struck him how outlandish this scene might have seemed only a few years ago, but now it only felt strange that it had taken them so long.

“Have you shown him your trophy?” asked Christian.

“Oh, no,” realised Sebastian, automatically looking around for where they had been put.

They went over to the side where both Dan and Sebastian’s trophies sat on proud display. Christian held Teddy so he could see.

“Look Teddy, this is what your papa won today,” explained Christian.

“This one’s Papa’s,” pointed out Mark. “He got third. He did really well.”

Seb smiled, feeling a glow at Mark praising him to their son.

Christian held Teddy a little closer and the baby stared at the round object in front of him, wide blue eyes reflected in the polished metal. He reached out a tiny hand towards it, making the adults laugh.

“Ha, somebody’s keen,” observed Christian. “I think he likes trophies.”

“He likes shiny things,” adjusted Sebastian. He glanced to Mark. “Remember how he loved the baubles on the Christmas tree Liebling?”

Mark nodded and took Teddy’s hand to jig it, mostly so the baby didn’t accidentally knock the trophies over.

“Yeah,” he agreed, then leaned in a little to see what Teddy could. “Can you see yourself sweetheart? Is that it? These are pretty cool though aren’t they mate?”

He huffed another laugh at the expression of their son’s face reflected in the gleaming trophy, seeming fascinated to see version of himself, then the slight confusion at seeing his father's face appear there too. Mark stood up properly and chubbed Teddy’s cheek.

“Exciting stuff eh kiddo?”

 

Out of the corner of his eye Mark could see that half the garage were still watching them even as they carried on working. He noted that there was no more of the clanking and banging going on as people tried to keep the noise down for the baby being there.

“You alright?” checked Seb seeing Mark’s attention drifting.

“Yeah good. Bit tired I guess.”

“Me too.”

“Right, well you should get going,” encouraged Christian, handing the baby back to Sebastian.

“Thanks.”

“And things have been okay today?” double-checked Christian looking to Mark.

Mark nodded. He was fairly sure that Seb’s boss would have been keeping a fairly close eye to be sure that there had been no more trouble, if only via Britta's reports, but it was nice to know he cared.

“We’ve been well looked after in hospitality thanks,” Mark assured him.

“Nice just to get questions about the race in the pen today as well,” noted Seb.

Christian huffed a laugh.

“Nice to have a decent race to talk about. Well, that’s all good then. I’ll let you get on so I can crack the whip with this lot and scold them for slacking just because this little distraction appeared.”

He reached in and chubbed Teddy’s cheek and Mark and Seb knew Christian was teasing, but that the team did really need to get on with things so that they could all leave as well. Sebastian turned and said a last goodbye to his guys and they rest, Mark making Teddy give a little wave with his hand too then holding in laughing at so many burly men baby-waving in reply.

 

As they walked away into the rear of the garage Seb looked to Mark.

“It is quiet out there isn’t it?” he checked.

“Empty pretty much apart from folk clearing up. We’re good.”

Sebastian nodded and they went outside into the cool night air.

“It feels late,” he commented.

“Yeah, guess it is.”

In the background the music started up again as the garage got back to work, so Mark put Teddy’s ear-defenders back on and they picked up their pace.

“If he’s awake now do you think maybe he might sleep a bit on the plane?” wondered Seb hopefully.

Mark smiled and put his arm around him.

“Maybe. Let’s hope so.”

“I just want to say thanks and bye to Britta before we go.”

“Sure. Me too.”

“Ah okay.”

“She’s done a lot for us this weekend.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave Seb a little squeeze.

“All done now anyway darling.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“I can’t wait to get home,” he admitted.

“Yeah me too.”

Sebastian turned his head to look at Teddy resting peacefully into his shoulder. He was looking sleepy now. If only they could have this level of peace on their journey home, but the odds were that their son would react in much the same way as he had on the way here and they no doubt had a twenty hour ordeal in store. It wasn’t Teddy’s fault of course, but when he felt so tired already Sebastian still held out hope they might get some sleep. Seb asked Mark to lift his earphones off now that they were far enough away and the baby snuggled his cheek into him clearly pleased to have them removed. Seb kissed his forehead.

“Soon be home Schatz.”

As they reached the RedBull base now it seemed there was literally nobody else around. The lights were on inside but they couldn’t see anyone in hospitality, not even staff tidying away.

“It’s like the Marie Celeste,” observed Mark.

“Huh?”

“Not a soul about.”

“Oh.”

Mark opened the door for them and Seb carried Teddy inside. Nobody was looking at them, they didn’t need to shield their son or hide him away, or give him to someone else to keep him safe. Soon though they would be home without any of these concerns and no matter how difficult the journey to get there might be, none of them could wait to return home.

 

* * *

 


	214. Eine kleine Nachtmusik

* * *

 

 

It felt like no time at all to recover from both the weekend and the long flight home when only twenty-four hours later Mark and Seb were up getting ready for their home visit from Rachel. When they had scheduled it leaving until the next day had seemed plenty, but as they sat in the kitchen, the baby already on his second bottle of the day Sebastian could feel his arm aching as he held his son and he couldn’t help thinking how the new cars put greater strain on his body. It made him feel older and Seb knew he would have to schedule even more ‘proper’ workouts in the gym with his trainer in addition to the swims and runs he did at home. He wasn’t about to mention that to Rachel though, nor was he going to complain or ask Mark to take the baby now when it felt as though he already took so much of the strain. Seb wanted to make the most of his time at home before the next race.

“Alright sweetheart?” checked Mark.

“Mm.”

Mark looked in a little closer to read Seb’s face.

“You’re not worrying about this are you?”

Sebastian puffed a breath and shrugged.

“I guess I’m glad we called her while we’re away.”

“Mm, well at least we’ll get this out of the way and then we can relax for a bit.”

Seb raised an eyebrow.

“Apart from the doctor’s this afternoon.”

“Ah. Yeah that.” Mark shrugged. “Ah well sweetheart, we’ll get that out of the way too.”

“I just hope he doesn’t react the same way as last time.”

“Mm.” Mark stroked over the top of Teddy’s head. “He can’t help it.”

“I know. I don’t mean that. I mean I don’t want him getting sick.”

“Sweetheart it was just a temperature.”

Sebastian shook his head. Their son had cried so piteously after his previous set of vaccinations it broke his heart. The thought that they had to go through that again was horrible. Mark moved his arm to stroke Seb’s arm instead.

“We’ll get through it. All three of us.”

 

Sebastian nodded, then went quiet for a moment as he thought about things.

“Liebling.”

“Mm?”

Seb bit his lip then took a deep breath, knowing he had to say this.

“I think you should stay home with Teddy for the next race.”

Mark opened his mouth, then closed it again and sighed.

“I just think it would be best,” continued Seb. “It’s such a long way to China and he hated being on the plane.”

“Sweetheart it’s just new to him. He’ll get used to it.”

“Is it fair to do that to him though? I hated seeing him so upset.”

“Well so did I.”

“I know. I just… I think China’s too far when he’s so small and if he reacts to his vaccination again it wouldn't be fair to put him through that if he’s ill.”

“It’s over a week away.”

“Even so.”

“Don’t you want us to come?”

“Of course I want you to come.”

 

Sebastian pouted at him and Mark would have shook his head at the big blue eyes he was getting but for the fact he could see how much this bothered Seb. He puffed a calming breath, not wanting to argue, particularly when Rachel was due in half an hour.

“Alright, I know you’d rather we were with you,” he accepted.

“Of course I would. I always want you with me, but I can’t be selfish like that.”

“Seb, it’s not selfish. I want to be with you too.”

“I know you do Liebling, but we’re not the priority. Teddy is, and I just think… I mean wouldn’t it sound better to Rachel if we could tell her we’re really putting Teddy first and keeping him safe at home for a while?”

Mark looked at him.

“You mean because of the press?”

Sebastian sighed and looked down at the baby still feeding, oblivious to the fact he was the subject of debate.

“This weekend was so stressful Liebling,” he confessed. “I know that sounds selfish too.”

“No I don’t mean that.”

“I just worried all the time what would happen.”

“It was just one guy.”

“I know, and I know most of the media were pretty much okay, just a bit pushy with questions and Britta handled it all.”

“ _You_ handled it darling.”

“Okay, but even so.”

Mark looked at him.

“You think it would be better if we stayed home?”

“Just for a bit. You’re not coming to Bahrain anyway. And China really is so far when he doesn’t like flying. Wouldn’t it be better to leave it until we’re racing in Europe? The press would have had time to calm down and the journeys won’t be so far and it wouldn’t be so tiring for you.”

Mark coughed a little laugh at him making such an ardent case and Sebastian felt guilty.

“Sorry. I appreciate it’ll still be tiring if you’re left home alone with him. I know it’s not fair on you Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“No I’m not saying that.” He took a deep breath and looked at Teddy in Seb’s arms. “I know you’d rather we were with you sweetheart.”

“I’m just trying to think what’s best. It’s only a couple of weekends we’d have to get through.”

“Mm.”

“I know it would be difficult for you Liebling.”

“Difficult for you too.”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian gazed down at the baby sadly and Mark looked to Teddy too. Maybe it wasn’t the worst idea to stay home with him when he was so small still while Seb was trekking around the world? Seb would get decent sleep when he really needed it at races and Mark couldn’t deny it would be easier to manage with the baby at home where they had everything to hand and could easily take naps as needed.

“Okay,” agreed Mark.

Seb looked up at him.

“Yeah?”

Mark nodded.

“I know it’s not what we planned Liebling and I know it’s not easy for you on your own at home.”

“Ah well I’ve always got Pauline to help a bit.”

“And in China we wouldn't have your family like we did in Melbourne.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Believe me darling, all it would take is one phone-call and my mother would be on a plane to Shanghai faster than you can do a pole lap.”

Sebastian managed a smile.

“Yeah I guess.”

“Only a couple of weekends I suppose,” conceded Mark. “Will the team mind?”

“Hm?” frowned Seb.

“Well, logistics with the hotel and stuff.”

“Oh. No I’ll just tell them. It’s not like they’ll need to cancel a room.”

“We don’t have special one lined up or anything?”

“I don’t think so. They’re always pretty big over there anyway.”

Mark gave a flick of his eyebrow.

“They are in the hotels we stay in. Is the team staying in the same place?”

“Same as the past couple of years I think. It’s no big deal Liebling.”

“Okay, well...”

“I will really miss you.”

“I know. So will I, but I guess you’re right. Just a couple of weekends, we’ll manage.”

“I’ll make sure I’m away as little as possible.”

“You just do what you need to sweetheart. Okay?”

“Okay.”

 

Mark looked at him, thinking how quiet Seb had been yesterday. He’d thought it was tiredness.

“Have you been worrying about this?”

Sebastian squished his face about and Mark shook his head.

“Ah sweetheart, don’t keep it in. Just tell me.”

“I don’t want you to think I don’t want you with me.”

“As if I’d think that?”

“I guess.”

“Are you worrying about what Rachel will say about the media coverage?”

“A bit.” Sebastian looked to him. “I know she said not to panic and it wasn’t _so_ bad this weekend, but if we just leave off for a while, when you do come back to races then they ought to have moved on by then, don’t you think?”

“Not such a novelty?” mused Mark. “You’d hope so. Yeah you might be right. Plus further into the season there’s bound to be more interesting new gossip doing the rounds to occupy the media. We do know what short attention spans they’ve got.”

“Exactly.”

“Mm. Okay, well.” Mark nodded. “Guess that’s decided then.”

“Just for a couple of weekends.”

 

Mark nodded then shifted his chair closer to Seb so he could fit his arm around him to give Seb a hug.

“I know it’s not what you really want either darling. You don’t need to worry about it. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“A few weekends’ll soon pass. Me and this little guy will watch you from home and we’ll be waiting for you to come back to us.”

Sebastian dropped the side of his head onto Mark’s shoulder.

“As soon as I can. I promise.”

“I know. It’ll be okay. We’ll get through it. We always do.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian angled his head to look at their son. It would break his heart to leave him again, but he’d do it because he had to, because Teddy was the priority, not his feelings, nor even Mark’s. It was just how it had to be.

 

Mark had just taken Teddy to wind him when they heard the door, so Seb went to let Rachel in, bringing her through and offering her a drink.

“Oh d’you know I think I will have a coffee if you’re making it, thanks.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian filled the kettle and put it on while Rachel took a seat and said hello to Mark and Teddy.

“My goodness isn’t he getting big?” smiled Rachel. “It feels like ages since I last saw you.”

“Has been a while,” agreed Mark, shifting Teddy to his other shoulder and continuing to rub over his back.

“And how is he? Doing well?”

“He’s great,” assured Mark. “Just had a full bottle so he’s obviously hungry.”

“Good to hear. And you, how are you doing?”

“Good. Glad to be home.”

Sebastian passed Rachel her mug of coffee, then returned with tea for him and Mark.

“Thanks. Oh and Seb I didn’t even say, well done in your race. How marvellous.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thank you.”

“You must be tired now. All of you I suppose. I hope this isn’t too soon?”

“Oh we’re okay really aren’t we Liebling?”

Mark nodded. Actually he was going to suggest trying for a late morning nap after Rachel left, but at least they were home now. Seb really did have a point about it being rather easier to manage here.

“Yeah we’re fine,” concurred Mark. “Didn’t do much yesterday did we?”

Seb gave a shake of his head. Beyond catching up with Pauline and unpacking, the most energetic thing they had done all day was take the dogs for a walk in the late afternoon. For now Shadow and Simba sat obediently in their baskets in the corner of the kitchen as Mark had instructed them to.

 

“Well, hopefully you’ll have a bit of time to yourselves before you need to go away again,” commented Rachel.

“Ah, well about that,” began Mark.

“Oh?”

“Yeah um, we’ve decided that I’ll stay home for the next few races,” he stated. “Home with Teddy that is.”

“Oh I see.”

“Just seems the right call.”

“I’m going all the way to China next time and it’s not like we’d have family with us as we did in Melbourne,” added Seb.

“I see,” nodded Rachel.

“And I wasn’t going to Bahrain anyway was I sweetheart?”

“No,” agreed Seb.

 

Rachel looked at the pair of them as Mark moved Teddy to now lie in his arms. She wondered what to say that wouldn't cause them more concern seeing as they had plainly been worried when they called her a few days ago.

“Is this because you are concerned about media interest?” she enquired.

Rachel saw two sets of shoulders sag and felt bad that she might have made things worse.

“Look, we discussed this the other day. You said that the matter had been dealt with?”

“Yes it was,” asserted Sebastian.

“And there was no repetition?”

“No Britta, my assistant that is...”

“Yes I remember her,” intervened Rachel.

“Right well she got him banned.”

“And she laid down the law with the rest,” added Mark.

“Good, well then...”

“We just think it’s best,” hurried Sebastian. “We want to put Teddy first.”

Rachel shook her head.

“I wouldn't think anything else,” she assured.

Sebastian looked at her, then asked the question that had been niggling him.

“Have you put it in our file?”

Rachel sighed.

“I have put in something.”

Seb turned to Mark, trying not to panic at hearing that.

“I need to give a commentary as part of my reports,” explained Rachel. “Obviously your case is rather different to most that I deal with, so I will include anything that I think relevant.”

“Will it go against us?” worried Seb feeling a horrible sickness swill in his stomach.

Mark couldn’t really free a hand with the way he was holding Teddy, so beneath the kitchen table he pressed his leg into Seb’s hoping it was reassuring. Rachel put down her mug and looked at them.

“My notes and reports are designed to explain things to those who do not know you personally as I do,” she stated. “Regarding this, perhaps it would help you to know that what I put is that you called me from Australia regarding a minor incident that concerned you because you wished to be open and honest with us, okay?”

“Okay,” agreed Mark.

“Good. So, I have noted that and explained what you told me which was that there was a failed attempt by one person from the media to take a photograph for which he did not have permission, and when that occurred Sebastian immediately took Teddy away whilst you Mark explained why it was not permissible and you followed it up by requesting that your team have the individual removed so it could not re-occur. Is that correct?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Pretty much. I might have been a bit short with him.”

“Mm, well I don’t think it is unreasonable to have been unhappy with someone doing that.”

“There were some things in the press as well though,” worried Seb.

“Yes I did look,” confessed Rachel, “but none of it specifically refers to Teddy and I don’t think we are going to take gossip as something to include in your file. Besides as I have always told you, we would regards reports in the press, especially certain sectors of the press, as something to be taken with a pinch of salt.”

Sebastian let out a long breath of relief.

“Thank you. We really are trying our best.”

“I know you are.”

“And Britta's trying everything she can to make sure that there’s as little as possible out there.”

“Of course. She struck me as a highly competent individual and I have no doubt she can be very persuasive.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“She puts the fear of god into most of the media.”

Rachel smiled.

“I suspect that’s a good thing.”

“A very good thing,” agreed Mark.

“We’re very lucky to have her on our side,” added Seb.

Rachel nodded.

“Good. Well I hope you understand that I am on your side too. I’m not looking to find fault here. We want this to work out. That’s the whole point of this process. We want to make happy families. That doesn’t mean those families don’t face challenges along the way. They all do. It’s just the challenges you face are perhaps a little different in some respects to others.”

 

Mark looked to Seb while Rachel took another sip of her drink to let that settle.

“I still think you should stay home for a bit,” asserted Sebastian quietly.

“Okay,” replied Mark. He turned to Rachel. “He wasn’t wild about the long flight in fairness, Teddy that is.”

“Oh?”

“Nothing terrible. It’s just a long way when he’s so little.”

“Of course. Well as you think best.”

“We really do just want to put Teddy first,” repeated Sebastian.

Rachel nodded. They were so desperate to justify themselves when all she could see before her was a content and well-cared for baby with parents who loved him. When she thought of some of the children she encountered in her job she wondered if Seb and Mark had any idea of the things that she really _did_ have to worry about.

“I know you do and you are. I can see that. If you think it best Mark stays home with Teddy for a while, then that’s what you should do.”

“You will put that, when you’re doing your report?” requested Seb.

“Of course. Teddy seems perfectly fine to me. He didn’t suffer any ill-effects from flying did he?”

“Oh no,” reassured Mark. “Just cried a bit. He doesn’t like take-off and landing, the air-pressure change I guess.”

“Well I’m not over-fond of that myself,” offered Rachel. “Anyway as I say, keep him home until he’s a little bigger if you think it’s better for him. I’m sure you can make that judgement best yourself as his parents. Other than that, try not to worry. I’ve told you what I will include in your file, so you don’t need to be too concerned about it. Obviously in an ideal world there would be no media interest at all, but as it is you can show that you are doing all you can to manage it. After all, there weren’t any photos published of Teddy were there?”

“No.”

“And we’d prosecute if they did,” added Mark. “They all know that now.”

Rachel nodded.

“Good, well that’s one positive outcome at any rate. Now then, let’s put that to one side. How are things generally? I seem to remember you saying Teddy was up to having his vaccinations with the doctor.”

“Oh, yeah actually we’ve got more this afternoon.”

“Though it’s the nurse rather than the doctor we see,” explained Seb.

“Ah I see and you had some already didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“And how did he get on?”

Seb looked to Teddy in Mark’s arms.

“He didn’t like it much.”

Rachel smiled.

“No I wouldn't imagine many do.”

“He had a bit of reaction afterwards but they said that’s normal.”

“Oh? Nothing serious?”

“Just a temperature and not very happy for a while,” stated Mark.

Rachel nodded.

“They did say it was pretty common,” Mark added.

“Yes I believe so,” agreed Rachel. “Well all in a good cause isn’t it? You don’t want him getting really sick if he caught any of those diseases.”

“Of course not.”

“No, though I’m sure it’s not nice for you to go through.”

“Worse for him,” noted Mark. “Though it’s just for a day or two.”

“We just gave him Calpol and followed their advice to look after him,” explained Sebastian. “He didn’t get any worse, so they said that wasn’t anything to worry about.”

Rachel nodded.

“Very good. Now you know we’ll be requesting a medical report to add to the one we had from the midwife when she signed you off?”

“Right.”

“I brought the form you’ll need to sign to agree it.”

“Do we need to speak to the doctor about it?”

“No no, it’s just standard. We’ll deal with it. When is your next normal check-up?”

“Next Monday. Then they can see how he is after his injections too.”

“Ah good, well if you’re okay to sign off on it I’ll get it sent to your GP by the end of the week and hopefully then can get it back to us after you’ve been in.”

 

Rachel picked up her bag from the floor and dug out the required paperwork for them to sign, Mark passing Seb Teddy so he could add his name. Sebastian kept Teddy up to rest into his chest, the baby pressing his round cheek into Seb’s shoulder and Seb smiled at how sleepy he was starting to look after his feed. Seeing as he had been up for a few hours now Sebastian hoped their son might drop off soon. Sebastian gave his snub nose a kiss, then caught Rachel watching him and felt slightly embarrassed, hoping she didn’t think the show of affection was for her benefit, but she merely smiled and accepted the signed form back from Mark.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” assured Rachel as she filed the paperwork away.

Mark shook his head.

“No it’s good. I think it’s reassuring to know you keep close check to make sure kids are okay.”

Rachel nodded.

“It probably will say he’s still a bit behind in development for his age,” noted Sebastian.

“That’s to be expected Seb,” she assured him. “Teddy was born early. We’re not looking for miracles, just healthy growth, good nutrition, being sure that there is nothing of concern.”

Sebastian frowned.

“What would be of concern?”

Mark gave him a look and Seb suddenly realised what she meant. It was a horrible thought to consider that a doctor's examination could uncover signs that a child was not being cared for properly, or worse deliberately hurt. It made him want to clutch Teddy closer.

“Oh,” he let out.

Mark put his hand on Seb’s thigh under the table.

“They want to be careful to protect children don’t they?”

“Of course.”

Mark rubbed over Seb’s leg wanting to give him a hug. He hated when Sebastian got that look in his eyes.

“As I say, it’s nothing to be worried about,” repeated Rachel. “Just standard procedure.”

Mark nodded for both of them.

“No problem. Oh, given that he reacted last time to his jabs, he may well react again.”

Rachel nodded.

“That’s not what the report is concerned with. Nor indeed any other ordinary childhood illnesses Teddy may get. Of course anyone would rather avoid them, but I don’t think any of us have entirely escaped catching colds or coughs and the like.”

“Okay, well so far I think we’ve been lucky,” commented Mark. “Then again we don’t really mix all that much to pick up germs. I think this past week is the most we’ve been around people. When we’re home it’s mostly just us and Pauline.”

“Ah yes, and I have to say your house is always spotless,” praised Rachel.

Mark laughed.

“That would be Pauline. She’s a stickler, isn’t she sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Is she not over today?” asked Rachel.

“Oh she offered to come in the afternoon seeing as you were coming.”

“Ah I see.”

“Plus then she can hoover when we’re out at the doctor's. Teddy’s not keen on the noise is he?”

“No,” agreed Seb.

“Sounds like a good plan then,” assented Rachel. “Well, is there anything else you would like to discuss?”

Seb and Mark looked to one another, then Seb spoke.

“I guess, just, I mean is it going okay? Is there anything we need to be doing to help things along?”

Rachel shook her head.

“As far as I can see you’re doing what you need to be. I’ll complete my report, add the medical update and pass things along for them to move to the next stage. I don’t have any concerns that I need to raise. I would just say that I would recommend that you remain vigilant about protecting Teddy’s identity in the media.” She saw both of them open their mouths and nodded to reassure them. “I know you will.”

“We will,” asserted Mark.

“I know,” she repeated. “I just need to have said it, that’s all. I appreciate that in your position you cannot help media coverage of yourselves, particularly you Seb seeing as publicity is part of your job.”

“I only talk about work. We’re very strict about that now,” insisted Sebastian.

“Good. I know it’s not necessarily easy.”

Seb replied with a one shouldered shrug, the reason why it didn’t matter that it wasn’t easy lay into his other shoulder.

 

The talked for a while longer, but when they noticed that Teddy had fallen asleep Mark suggested Seb go put him down in his crib, so Rachel decided to round things up and after confirming her next visit in six weeks time they showed her out. As Mark shut the door he looked at how fast asleep Teddy was and gave Seb a smile.

“Shall we try the same d’you reckon?”

Sebastian nodded so they shooed the dogs who had fallowed them into the hall back to the kitchen before going up to their bedroom, putting Teddy down in his crib thankfully without disturbing him. They peeled off jeans and hoodies so they could get comfortable in bed then as Mark slipped his arm around Seb to pull him close, Seb snuggled into him to get cosy so they could hopefully drop off. Sebastian let out a sigh and Mark angled his head to look at him.

“You okay?”

“Hmm.”

“Hmm?”

“Just, she’s nice, but it worries me when Rachel says things like we shouldn't worry about the media and then changes her mind and says we need to be careful.”

“Well I’m not quite sure she changed her mind,” argued Mark. “She just said we need to stay vigilant, not change what we’re doing.”

“I spose.”

Mark kissed Seb’s nose to cheer him up.

“We’re doing everything we can.”

“I guess.”

“And if I’m staying home with him for a while it’s not going to be an issue is it?”

Sebastian let out another long sigh and Mark put his other arm around him.

“We’re doing all we can,” repeated Mark, “and Rachel knows that.”

“Yeah.”

“Try not to worry too much.”

“Okay.”

Seb closed his eyes. Now he was lying down he felt exhausted, the nervous tension that always built up before any official meeting with Rachel now ebbing away leaving only an emptiness. Soon he was asleep. Mark felt his breathing slow as he lay into him and let out a long slow breath himself. He glanced over to the crib beside the bed to check that Teddy was sleeping too. Mark hoped that they might get a good hour perhaps before their son woke them needing a nappy change or anything else. He stared at the ceiling for a few minutes thinking about how he was now going to be home with Teddy on his own again while Seb raced and how that had been when Seb had been away before at testing. Mark wasn’t looking forward to it, but maybe it really was for the best. He glanced towards Teddy again thinking how he had howled on the flight home and how anxious the media had made them over the past weekend.

“Just how it has to be,” sighed Mark quietly.

“Hm?” murmured Sebastian sleepily stirring at the sound.

Mark turned his head.

“Nothing darling. It’s okay.”

He rested his head into Seb’s and closed his own eyes. They just had to make the most of the time they had all together at home and make the best of things.

 

 

 

By the late afternoon they were glad that they had taken the opportunity to bank up a bit of sleep. Poor Teddy had howled as he was given his vaccination by the very patient nurse and he still wasn’t happy when they got him home. Having tried giving him a bottle to soothe the baby to no avail they took him upstairs to the nursery, laying Teddy on the changing table to undress him so they could look at where he had been injected.

“Oh Mark,” worried Seb. “It looks so red. It has to be hurting him.”

“Mm.” Mark sighed and tried wiping away their son’s tears. “I’m sorry kiddo. I promise it was for a good reason.”

“I don’t see why it couldn't be like the other one, just a drop in his mouth. He didn’t mind that.”

Mark shrugged. Teddy had grimaced at that too, but he didn’t suppose it tasted very nice.

“I dunno sweetheart they don’t do it for fun. I presume it’s important it goes straight into the bloodstream.”

Sebastian was feeling Teddy’s forehead.

“Do you think he’s warm?”

Mark did the same.

“I don’t think so. He’s just worked himself up a bit.”

Seb felt Teddy’s skin again before picking him up to cuddle him.

“I’m sorry Schatz. We had to do it. Don’t be cross with us.”

Teddy was still protesting volubly so Mark puffed a breath.

“Shall we check his temp just to be sure?” he suggested.

Sebastian nodded, so Mark went to find the baby thermometer. When he returned Seb lay the baby back down on the mat and tried to hold Teddy still so Mark could check.

“Nope. He’s fine.”

“Okay.”

Seb rubbed over his face then picked Teddy back up again, trying to jig him to see it helped.

“Shh-shh Kleiner, shh-shh. It’s okay, you’ll be okay.”

Mark looked at the angry red skin on Teddy’s thigh below where his under-babygro reached just covering his nappy. He stroked the baby’s head, then looked to Seb.

“Look why don’t we just leave him in this so his skin’s not irritated any more?”

“Won’t he get cold?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark glanced at the room temperature gauge on the side.

“It’s warm enough. We can put something on top.”

Mark folded up the full babygro Teddy had been wearing and went through the drawers to find one of the knitted cardigans Pauline had given them.

“Here. This’ll do.”

They managed to wrangle the pale yellow top onto the baby, leaving his chubby little legs bare but for a pair of socks Seb got out to at least keep those tiny feet warm. Mark grabbed up a blanket and they headed back downstairs to sit in the lounge until Teddy cried himself out and eventually fell asleep, much to his parents’ relief.

 

As Seb leaned into Mark’s side, Teddy asleep in his arms, he looked up to him.

“Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t take my turn tonight Liebling.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah okay.”

“Thank you.”

Mark kissed Seb’s temple.

“You know most folk would think getting out of night feeds was a bonus.”

“I want to look after him,” replied Seb quietly.

“I know darling. I know.”

Mark rubbed over Seb’s upper arm where he held it around him. Sebastian was never going to think he was doing enough. With his other hand Mark reached to make sure the blanket was arranged around the baby so it didn’t rest on his thigh, hoping that would help Teddy feel better and allow air to speed its healing.

The door pushed open and two noses peeked in, clearly checking how things were before Shadow and Simba slunk into the room, looking for approval, then settling at their feet.

“Hmm. Decided it’s quiet enough now,” noted Mark.

“Don’t spose they much like it either,” agreed Seb.

“No. Thumbs down from the Vettel-Webber family for jabs. Still, he’s alright now.”

“Mm.”

“Do you want to try putting him down?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“He’s settled.”

“I guess. Best not risk it,” concurred Mark.

 

 

They did very little with the rest of their day other than sort out dinner for themselves, Teddy, and the dogs. The baby seemed a little calmer after a good nap, but when he woke in the night he seemed to have remembered why he was unhappy and took a lot longer to settle than usual. Mark got his bottle shortly before midnight then came back up to where Seb held the crying baby in bed and climbed back in with them, sighing as Teddy refused the bottle only to howl all the louder.

“Oh Liebling, what are we doing wrong?” worried Seb.

“Nothing. He’s just not himself. C’mon mate have this.”

Mark tried putting the teat in the baby’s mouth again, but Teddy flailed out an arm and bashed the bottle with surprising force.

“Ooh, blimey. Alright bruiser, hint taken,” accepted Mark, putting the bottle on the side. “Want me to have him?”

Sebastian shook his head and tried lifting Teddy into his chest, rubbing over his back. This reminded him of their flight to and from Australia when it seemed to take forever to settle their son and nothing pleased him. It wasn’t much fun having the screaming closer to his ear holding the baby like this, but eventually Teddy slowed and quieted, though whether that was from exhaustion or because the contact with his parents reassured him, Seb didn’t know. He lowered the baby down to look at him, relieved that he didn’t immediately start up again.

“Shall we try it again?” asked Mark.

“Hm?”

“The bottle.”

“Oh. Is it still warm?”

Mark picked it up to check, then nodded, passing it over. This time Teddy passively accepted the teat into his mouth and with the taste of milk seemed to recognise that he was in fact hungry and began to drink. Mark let out a long sigh, then stroked over his arm.

“Daft thing. You _did_ want it.”

“I think he was just too upset to eat,” pointed out Seb.

Mark nodded. It occurred to him that Sebastian reacted that way himself, so perhaps that was why he understood?

 

When full it didn’t take Teddy long to drop off, so Mark who had been winding him put him back in his crib and he and Seb shuffled down in bed to get what sleep they could before they were inevitably woken again. As agreed he and Sebastian took turns to actually get up, promising each other that they would write off the next day to get naps again if they could as reconciliation for what was turning out to be a miserable night.

When Teddy stirred and began crying once more his parents both groaned and rolled apart to sit up.

“My turn,” mumbled Sebastian.

Mark rubbed at his face. He could see how tired Seb looked.

“S’okay,” he excused.

Sebastian shook his head and dragged the duvet off his legs to pad around to the crib, lifting the baby out and holding him against his chest.

“Shhh, mmm, Papa’s here little one,” soothed Seb sleepily.

Mark blinked, his own tired brain slowly realising that Seb was speaking in German to the baby. Sebastian looked over to him, switching to English.

“I think it’s his nappy. I’ve got it.”

“’kay.”

Sebastian carried the baby out and shut the door, the sound of crying muffled and receding as they walked away. Mark stayed propped up for a moment, wondering if he ought to have offered more assertively to look after Teddy so Seb could sleep, but it was too late now and besides Seb clearly wanted to do it. Mark lay back down, reconciling that it was over a week until he had to fly out to the next race. Seb would be okay and Mark really did feel tired, _so_ _tired_. He closed his eyes and dropped off to sleep.

 

Once his nappy was changed Teddy normally settled after a few minutes, but now Seb held him in his arms, trying rocking him, trying holding him higher into his chest again, jigging him, soothing him, humming for him, all with no result. He tried sitting in the rocking chair, but after five minutes of continued wailing Sebastian got back up again. He took another look at Teddy’s bare leg, frowning at the red mark. Seb had tried his best not to touch it as he changed the nappy, but maybe he had knocked it without realising. He put his hand at the side of Teddy’s face, leaning over so the baby could see him close.

“I’m so sorry Liebling. Did I hurt you? I’m sorry. The nurse said it’ll get better soon. We just have to let it go down. I know it might not feel like it, but it’s to keep you safe Schatz, so you don’t get sick, really sick. We did it because we love you.”

The baby continued to cry and Seb knew he couldn't understand. He picked Teddy back up and gathered a blanket from the cot carefully around him, then took a deep breath before going downstairs to see if a bottle might help. Then finding that it didn’t, Sebastian stood back up from where he had been sat at the kitchen table and looked at the dogs who were watching from their baskets.

“I’m sorry boys. It’s not his fault.”

Sebastian caught sight of something on the counter above where the washer-drier was, realising it was his iPod that he had retrieved from a pair of jeans from the weekend before they went in the wash. He couldn’t remember what he had done with the earphones, but he got up and went over to look at it, half an idea germinating in his mind. Seb hitched Teddy a little higher to hold him with one arm and popped the iPod into his pyjama pocket, then went into the lounge, looking for the little mobile speaker it could plug into. He found it over in the corner and hung onto it to get back upstairs to the nursery where Seb laid Teddy down in his cot for a moment to free his hands.

He set the iPod into the speaker, glad that it could run on battery power, and placed it on the window ledge before selecting a playlist and turning the volume down before pressing play. Sebastian had tried to pick the most soothing music he could find on there, the sound only loud enough so that they could hear it without hopefully disturbing Mark two rooms away. Sebastian picked Teddy up and went to sit in the rocking chair, moving it back and forth in time with the music. He had chosen something classical, a playlist put together for when he needed de-stressing at races; some Bach, Mozart, Shostakovich, nothing too lively. Teddy seemed to like the piano on its own, preferring the simplicity perhaps. Sebastian looked down at him. The baby was still crying, but not as noisily as before.

“You’ll wear yourself out Liebling,” advised Seb.

 

The baby didn’t listen though and Seb wondered if he really was suffering or if Teddy had just become locked into a cycle of perpetuation; crying because he was unhappy and unhappy because he was crying. He tried to think how to reach him, to try to distract him somehow to maybe get his son to pause and thus give himself chance to feel a little better. Sebastian attempted humming along to the music, but as there were no lyrics he felt a little lost. He frowned to himself, then stood and crouched down, freeing a hand to reach over to iPad, skimming a finger over the pad to see what else he could pick. As he alighted on something he thought he knew well enough Seb selected it and looked down to Teddy.

“I don’t have a very good voice Schatz. I hope this doesn’t upset you more with my bad singing.”

As the tune started up Sebastian smiled, thinking how this song had soothed him in the past. He shifted Teddy to lie out in his arms and angled his head so he could see him.

“ _Blackbird singing in the dead of night...”_

 

Sebastian tried not to think about whether he sounded terrible when he sang. Usually it required copious amounts of alcohol to encourage him to do so and he wondered whether tiredness had the same effect of loosening up his brain and lowering his inhibitions. Teddy probably didn’t care if he was off key. Seb gently moved his body side-to-side to rock the baby, keeping his voice low and his eyes locked on Teddy’s. He was concentrating so hard on the task that it took him until the end of the song to realise that the baby had gone quiet. Seb smiled at him, seeing the way his eyes flickered.

“Do you like it Liebling? I think it’s beautiful. The song, not me singing it. I think you’re beautiful though. Yeah, even at four am Schatz.”

The iPod had rolled onto the next track and Sebastian could swear he saw the baby frown in disapproval so he ducked down and set the original track on repeat, smiling as he noticed what the one before was called.

“I’m tired too Liebling, but I think you like this one. Yeah, here we go.”

 

Sebastian stood back up and rocked the baby in his arms, singing the same thing over and over, gazing down, unconsciously nodding his head to the steady beat in the background and gently moving the baby in time. It was still pitch dark outside so the recorded sound of birdsong in the background seemed a little out of place, but Teddy seemed to find it restful. Seb wondered if that was because with them living out in the countryside it was what he was used to hearing. Maybe that was why him singing helped more than the recorded voice? Teddy recognised him and found it comforting. Seb hoped so.

As the song came around again Seb sang it once more, starting to feel the repetition almost hypnotising him as well as the baby, but Teddy’s eyelids were sagging now, so Seb just kept singing softly, moving gently, keeping going, hoping he could out-last Teddy before he actually fell asleep where he stood. When the baby finally appeared to be losing the battle to keep his eyes open Sebastian sighed and changed the lyrics as a little.

“ _All my life, I was only waiting for this moment to arise. I was only waiting for this moment to arise...”_

He sang it through one more time, then saw those blue eyes were now firmly closed, the baby breathing those heavy little breaths through his mouth, his chest moving up and down steadily.

“There now Liebling. Isn’t that better?” whispered Seb.

He took a last look out of the appropriately dark black night outside the window, then turned around only to see Mark stood in the nursery doorway, leaning into the frame with a smile on his face.

“Oh.”

“Sorry,” apologised Mark quietly, coming over to join them.

Sebastian almost felt embarrassed, but Mark had such a soft expression on his face and as he reached them he kissed Seb on the cheek.

“Magic powers,” he whispered, looking in at Teddy sleeping.

“Just my turn,” replied Seb.

“Mmm.” Mark took in a deep breath. “Come to bed darling. It’ll be light at this rate.”

 

Seb turned the music off and they went back through to the bedroom, Seb laying a peaceful Teddy down before sliding into bed. He glanced at the time on the side and was surprised to see it was now nearly five am. It felt as though they had been up for more than half the night. As he gratefully rested his head down on the pillow Sebastian looked to Mark.

“I didn’t realise it was so late.”

“Early,” countered Mark.

“Yeah.”

“I just woke and realised you’d not come back,” Mark explained.

“He wouldn't settle,” related Seb.

Mark stroked over Seb’s cheek.

“Don’t ever think you don’t do enough,” he advised.

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled at how sleepy Seb sounded. When he had gone to look for them Mark had been struck by how tranquil the atmosphere was in the nursery and how lost to it Sebastian seemed, lost in their son. But Mark knew how that felt.

“Never mind. Just sleep sweetheart.”

“Mmm.”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh and moved his hand to wrap it around Seb’s waist instead. Sebastian closed his eyes as he rested his head into Mark’s shoulder. Mark let out a gentle sigh and closed his own eyes, hoping that Teddy went more than an hour before waking again and if he couldn’t then at least Mark might wake before Seb did so he could leap in. Mark knew Seb wouldn't admit to being tired from the weekend, but he knew how much strain racing put on your body and even in testing Sebastian had told him how the new cars took more to control. Pile all that into five full-on sessions, plus working with the team, dealing with the media and worrying about things with Teddy and Mark didn’t think there was any way Seb couldn't be knackered. Mark knew he was himself, so Seb had to be. God, if Teddy would just give them a little more sleep, just a little more...

 

 

 

The bed shifted beside him and Sebastian woke up. His half-asleep mind took a moment to realise that Mark was propped up next to him and another to realise he was holding Teddy. Seb shuffled up, moving the pillow to sit with them.

“Morning,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian blinked then yawned so widely Mark laughed.

“Alright there sweetheart?”

Seb ruffled a hand through his sticking up hair.

“Oh, yeah.” He noticed belatedly that Mark was feeding Teddy his bottle which would explain why their son was so quiet. “I didn’t wake up.”

“No. He didn’t make that much noise really,” Mark explained, though he didn’t add he had swiftly picked Teddy up and taken him down to the kitchen to prevent him waking Sebastian who had been so soundly asleep in bed. “I was awake already.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“Nah. He actually gave us a lie-in for once.”

Seb looked to the side to check the time, then raised his eyebrows.

“Wow, it’s nearly eight am.”

“I know,” smiled Mark. “I think he wore himself out in the night.”

“Wore me out too.”

“Yeah.”

Mark turned his head to give Sebastian a kiss, then laughed as Seb yawned again.

“Sorry,” apologised Seb once more.

“Nah. I’ll be yawning plenty later.”

“How’s his leg looking?”

“Take a look.”

 

Sebastian pulled the duvet back from where it covered all three of them. Both he and Mark peered down at their son’s thigh where an angry red spot still showed the place the injection had been given, but the skin surrounding it wasn’t as pink as it had been the day before.

“Looks a bit better,” observed Seb.

“Mm. Well she said it ought to go down.”

“Yeah.”

Seb carefully pulled the covers back over them and stroked over Teddy’s head.

“I know it’s important, but I hate having to do this to him.”

“It’s for the best.”

“I know. I just hate seeing him suffer.”

“Better in the long run.”

“Yeah.”

“He’s okay sweetheart. It’ll soon heal.”

Sebastian nodded.

“He’s just so delicate.”

Mark smiled.

“I think he’s tougher than he looks.”

“I guess. At least he didn’t get a temperature this time.”

“Different stuff wasn’t it?”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“He’ll be fine. We’ll all just have an easy day; get some naps, watch a film maybe.”

“That sounds nice. Pauline'll be here in an hour.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Gives us plenty of time.”

 

Sebastian nodded and shifted to snuggle a little more into Mark’s side. A day off. They could just have a nice day off. Tomorrow he had to go back into work. Get some training done in preparation for the following race. Seb knew he really needed to work hard on that.

“He can’t go swimming yet can he?” noted Seb.

“Hmm? No I think we’re best off leaving it a few days.”

“Mm.”

“You can though,” offered Mark.

“Hmm, I dunno. Think I might leave it.”

“Sure. Rest and recovery time’s important too. How’s the neck?”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. He’d moaned plenty about the strain the new cars put on you to Mark after testing and it was definitely worse after a proper race weekend.

“It’s okay. Bit stiff maybe. I’ll be alright.”

“You’ll talk to Antti about it?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well bit of time off yet.”

Seb nodded his head slightly. A week from now he would need to be getting ready to leave for China. He didn’t want to think about how quickly that week would pass.

“Can we just have breakfast in our pyjamas?” requested Seb.

Mark chuckled.

“Our house darling. We can wear whatever we want. Not like Pauline's never seen them before.”

“Yeah.”

“We can wear them all day if you want to.”

Mark saw the way Sebastian smiled. Maybe they should? The idea of cuddling up on the sofa watching a film like this was pretty tempting and it seemed Teddy really had worn himself out, so he might gift them with some peace to enjoy it.

 

 

 

 

 

By the weekend things seemed back on an even keel. Teddy’s leg only had a little red dot to show where he had received his injection and his sleep patterns where back to what passed for normal, though naturally that didn’t mean sleeping through the night. Sebastian had been persuaded to let Mark take back over, albeit reluctantly. It was hard to say no though, especially when two days in a row he had been in the factory, following up work with the team with punishing hours in the gym with his trainer. Now it was Saturday though and it was nice to count it as a day off. They had decided to make the most of some warm spring weather to get out of the house, so they piled the family including the dogs into the car and headed out to find a good trail across the downs to get a blow of air and some incidental exercise.

As they crested a hill to look out across the open landscape, they paused while Shadow and Simba ran about exploring their new playground. Mark had Teddy in his carrier strapped to his front which meant he was free to put his arm around Seb and Seb in turn leaned into his side, looking down at their son snuggled in before smiling at Mark.

“Nice isn’t it?” commented Mark.

“Hm?”

“Here. This.”

“Oh, yes. Very nice Liebling. Nice just to be us.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah I know what you mean.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath of clean air and sighed it out.

“Mum asked again about coming to visit,” he reported.

Mark nodded. they’d had some shared conversations with Seb’s family since they got home, but he knew both their mothers had made regular calls worrying about their grandson after their trip to the doctor's earlier in the week.

“I’m sure we’ll find a time,” he offered.

“Yeah.” Seb puffed out a breath. “I think she would have liked to come this weekend really.”

Mark looked at him.

“Darling we’ve only just got home.”

“I know. That’s what I told her. Plus when Teddy wasn’t well I really don’t think I could have coped. I know she says she just wants to help, but...”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah I know.”

“I just don’t like saying no.”

“You can’t please everyone darling. Sometimes you have to put you first.”

“Us first,” countered Seb.

“Right. That’s what I mean. This is the only weekend out of, what, four, that you’re not away racing? And if we’re not going with you...”

“I know. That’s what I said.”

“So she has to understand then sweetheart.”

“Fabe asked too.”

Mark sighed heavily.

“Seb. Look, it’s great they want to see you, us, but I’m not quite sure they really understand what races take out of you, especially this year. We’ve got to take time for us. Time to be a family. Time for you to get your breath back and recover. If we go running around on the few weekends we have spare we’ll both run ourselves into the ground.”

“I know.”

Mark shook his head at how heavy Seb sounded.

“Don’t feel guilty about it sweetheart.”

“Mm. I just... I did tell her that.”

“Right?”

“And she said she understood. Then she said about them coming to us.”

Mark nodded.

“She thinks that then she’ll be helping,” continued Seb. “Giving us a break, and I know she really means well and she could do like your mum did, take Teddy for walks and stuff, help cooking and all that, but...” He sighed ponderously. “It’s just not a break when people come stay. No matter how nice they are. It’s not a break.”

Mark gave him a squeeze.

“I know.”

“It’s okay when it’s just one weekend out of others, but when it’s the only weekend we have together… It just feels like a lot.” He looked to Mark. “I feel so ungrateful. It’s not even like we have to prepare things. Pauline makes up the spare rooms and they’d get a taxi from the airport.”

“But you have to think about it in the run-up and you can’t relax the same when you have visitors,” concurred Mark. “I get it sweetheart. It is an effort.”

 

Sebastian rested his head on Mark’s shoulder, a little annoyed with himself for letting this in to spoil the nice time they were having.

“Darling sometimes you have to be a bit selfish,” asserted Mark.

“Yeah.”

“It doesn’t make you a bad person. If my folks suggested turning up next weekend I think I’d say no thanks.”

“Even though you’re on your own?”

“I’m not on my own. I’ve got this little guy haven’t I?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Guess so. Will you be alright?”

“Sure.”

“You’re not just going to stay in all the time are you?”

“Nope. I’m making plans. We’re gonna take the dogs out. Maybe I’ll do our run on my own, let Jean in the café have a fuss over Teddy and take a stroll around the village.”

“That sounds nice.”

“It won’t be the same without you, but we’ll manage.”

“Will you really get up to watch FP at stupid o’clock?”

Mark chuckled.

“Odds are he’ll be awake anyway. Yeah I’ll be up. We can nap in the day, fit stuff around it and then before we know it, you’ll be back home with us.”

Sebastian perked up a little at that.

“Yeah. Actually Liebling with the time difference and coming west on the way back I’ll be back on Sunday evening won’t I?”

“Exactly. No time at all.”

Sebastian squashed a little into Mark, both of them liking that idea.

“Don’t worry about your mum,” Mark assured. “We’ll look in the diary, see what might work, yeah?”

“Yeah okay. I do want to see them.”

“Course. Just gotta find a balance, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

They walked further on, the dogs racing around and Seb shooing them out of the way so they didn’t trip Mark up while he carried Teddy. They got a few miles along the marked trail before realising the baby was asleep and turning around. Sebastian wore a backpack with essentials packed in, but though they had a bottle made up they had no means of warming it out here and they didn’t want to get too remote from the National Trust café back where they had parked. In the end as they got there it turned out Teddy needed a nappy change not his bottle. When they asked at the counter they were directed to the toilets around the corner.

“Oh um, which is the changing table in?” checked Seb.

“Both,” replied the bearded young man, “our bathrooms are gender-nuetral.”

As they walked around the corner to the tucked-away corridor they saw that the two bathrooms did indeed merely have ‘public toilet’ written on them and as they found a free one, sure enough there was a fold-away changing table as well as sink and toilet inside.

 

“Wow,” smiled Mark as they finished off changing Teddy. “Have to come here again. It’s like they saw us coming.”

“I think they did Liebling. Well, not us. People like us. All people.”

“Good stuff. Right, all set young man. Better now?”

Mark finished redressing their son and Sebastian fitted his new lighter coat over the top as Mark held him. As they took turns to wash their hands and re-packed the bag Sebastian held Teddy and looked at him.

“Quiet now,” he noted.

“Well he’s alright isn’t he?”

“Do you think we should see if he wants his milk?”

Mark ducked in to look at him.

“Seems okay. You hungry kiddo?”

As Teddy couldn't answer they stepped outside, pausing at the edge of the café that was only mildly busy in the mid-afternoon.

“Why don’t we get a coffee?” proposed Mark. “If he wants a drink too he’ll let us know.”

“Yeah. It’s nice here,” agreed Seb.

 

A few minutes later they were sat at a little table outside. They’d had to tie the dogs’ leads to a railing while they were inside, but the place had clearly thought about matters and though leads were required in the woodland area, the ‘dog stop’ had freshly filled water bowls and whilst they couldn’t take the animals inside the café, then man on the till had told them they were fine to have them sat with them at the table outside as long as they were well-behaved.

Mark reached and gave them a rub as they sat obediently at their feet under the table.

“You’re good boys aren’t you. Nice of them to give you a drink.”

“It’s decent coffee too,” remarked Seb.

Mark chuckled at him making the link then took another sip thinking Seb wast right; it was good coffee. There had been what looked like home-made cakes and snacks on offer as well, but Mark and Seb had resisted. Teddy lay settled into Sebastian seeming content for now, so they merely sat looking out at the view. Down here it was of woodland rather than the open plains and on the tables there were leaflets offering such delights as squirrel watching and tree identification hints and tips. Mark smiled as he glanced at them.

“Fancy some squirrel spotting?”

Sebastian peered over.

“Can’t see anything except trees.”

“Mm. Ah well. Bet that’s the sort of thing he’d like when he’s a bit bigger.”

Sebastian smiled down at the baby who was half sat in his lap so he could look out.

“Yeah that sounds fun,” he agreed. “I bet the boys would spot them.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Yeah that’ll be why they want them on leads around here.”

“Guess so.”

 

Sebastian glanced down to the dogs. Mark had slipped the handles of their leads through the leg of his chair so they couldn't bolt off if they did indeed catch sight of one of those squirrels or a rabbit. Apart from the fact he suspected the animals were protected around here, it would be dangerous for them to run through the car-park and there were children around who might be frightened by their boundless exuberance when they didn’t know how friendly Shadow and Simba really were.

“Long way from where we were a week ago,” noted Mark.

Seb nodded. Literally and metaphorically. Here in the peaceful countryside, no need to hide from the media, no stressing about qualifying and the race. It felt a million miles away from Melbourne. There were a few people about and they’d got the odd glance, though whether that was recognition, or just a slight double-take at seeing two men with a baby, or just simply other visitors casually looking at who passed by, Seb didn’t know. After all he and Mark looked at those they passed inside the café. It wasn’t a crime to look and nobody stared too long or came over. Sebastian reminded himself not to let paranoia take over their lives. This was his weekend off, Mark’s too.

“It is good to get time off,” he commented.

“Tis indeed,” agreed Mark.

“Can we have a film night later?” requested Sebastian.

Mark laughed and nodded.

“Anything you like sweetheart. We’ll just have to see if this little one co-operates.”

“He’s being so good this afternoon.”

“He is.” Mark chubbed Teddy’s cheek. “Fresh air doing you good isn’t it mate?”

 

 

Seeing as the car sent the baby off to sleep as it tended to, they had a peaceful drive home while Teddy slept for nearly the entire journey home. He only woke on being transferred into the house, crying loudly until soothed by the arrival of his bottle hurriedly prepared by Mark as Sebastian stood jigging Teddy in the centre of the kitchen, the dogs looking on, wondering what all the racket was for. Suitably satisfied by his milk, Teddy dropped off again so his parents took the opportunity for them all to steal a bit of a nap. Then Seb went for a swim while Mark brought the crib down and set it on the kitchen table leaving Teddy in it while he prepared dinner. As he turned around from switching the oven on he laughed at the sight of the dogs sat on the floor by the table like sentinels guarding their charge. Mark put the tray of food in the oven to cook, then came and checked Teddy was happy before giving the dogs a rub.

“Are you babysitting for me? Yeah. Good boys. I’ll have to see if I can spare you a bit of this chicken won’t I?”

The dogs pressed their faces into his hand and Mark smiled at them, wondering if it was affection or the fact that they could smell food on him. He fussed over them for another minute before going to wash his hands and returning to lift Teddy out.

“Right mate. We’re all set.”

Teddy burbled at him and Mark gave his son a kiss on his round little cheek.

“Watcha trying to say kiddo? Hmm? Are you trying to tell Daddy something?”

Then the baby started to wriggle a little and Mark shook his head as he recognised the sign.

“Ah _that_ ,” he laughed. “Well, at least you waited. C’mon then, let’s see if it’s a stinky.”

 

Mark changed his son’s nappy, then lifted him up to hold, jigging him slightly to encourage Teddy to calm down seeing as he had started crying and smoothing over his back.

“Shh darling. You don’t need to fuss now. You’re all sorted. Shh now.”

Gradually Teddy subsided. Mark let out a long breath as he wandered over to the window, looking out to see the garden now showing signs of life as the trees had leaves on once more, making everything look greener and more cheerful. He turned a little, trying to show the baby.

“I think we’ll start being able to have proper plays outside now sweetheart,” he informed him. “Shall we take a blanket out and some of your toys if it’s sunny tomorrow?”

Teddy who had been burying his face into his father's shoulder now turned his head, not to look outside, but to Mark who smiled at him.

“You like that idea? Good. Be nice to get more fresh air won’t it kiddo?”

Teddy merely snuffled into him so Mark kissed his forehead.

“Yeah I think we’ll give it a go. Have to hope it stays warm won’t we?”

The baby let out a little noise that Mark decided was approval. Personally he was certainly looking forward to getting out more as the spring weather improved. Seeing as he was going to be stuck at home for most of the coming month, being in the garden would be easier if he was on his own. He could manage that; Lie Teddy down and have a play, see if he’d have a little tummy-time on his blanket so long as the ground wasn’t damp or cold, let the dogs have a run around on the lawn. Mark thought that would be a pleasant way to spend some time together. Seb would no doubt be sad to miss it if he was away, but they could squeeze some of that in when he was home in-between races hopefully.

Mark looked back at his son, realising his gaze had slipped to the garden as he thought about his plans. Teddy was quiet now, content in his arms. It was a nice feeling. Satisfying somehow to know that he had successfully calmed his son and that he was happy to be with him, feeling safe in his arms and trusting his father to take care of him. Mark thought about the text Jenson had sent last weekend suggesting they ought to get a nanny. It wasn’t the first time someone had commented that with all their money it would be an easy option, but though Mark wouldn't exactly miss the occasionally grim job of changing nappies or the exhausting routine of getting up in the night, he knew it was an option that they weren’t going to consider.

Perhaps at three am when the baby was screaming and he had to drag himself from a nice warm bed and a nice warm husband, Mark might not think it such a terrible idea that someone else could take over, but even in the middle of the night there were aspects he wouldn't want to give up; Times here in the nursery, just the two of them, Teddy dropping off to sleep in his arms, a warm little bundle looking up to his father with those beautiful eyes as he rocked him. There was something oddly magical in those moments. Perhaps it was just the exhaustion tricking his mind, but it did feel as though there was a special connection to his son. Maybe the repetitive movement of the rocking chair in the dead of night hypnotised him too, but Mark wouldn't relinquish those times. He thought about how Seb had looked when he walked in on him singing to their son to ease his distress a few nights ago and Mark knew without asking that he felt the same. Once upon a time the idea of either of them doing such a thing would have seemed bizarre, crazy almost, and no doubt if other people out there knew, they might laugh, but Mark didn’t care.

Mark gave Teddy another kiss.

“Cos we love you baby boy, that’s why.”

“Course we do.”

 

Mark looked over to where the voice had come from to see Sebastian just inside the doorway, his hair still wet from his swim, but dressed, changed now into comfy tracksuit bottoms and hoody. Seb came over and gave Mark, then Teddy a kiss as well.

“Sorry, I was only there a minute.”

Mark shook his head. It was just the same as he had done the other night. There was something mesmerising about seeing your loved ones together like that. Seb looked at Teddy.

“Is he being good?”

Mark smiled. He could say Teddy wasn’t five minutes ago, but why bother?

“Yeah, not bad.”

“You think he’ll let us watch a film later?”

Mark huffed a laugh, looking at their son as well.

“You gonna be good for us gorgeous? Hm? Let Daddy and Papa have bit of time off tonight?”

“Hopefully our walk should help,” noted Sebastian.

“Yep, let’s hope so.”

They knew they might have been doing all the walking, but a long-ish afternoon outing and plenty of fresh air might just do the trick to encourage their son to give them some peace. At least for a while anyway.

“We could bring the crib down,” suggested Seb.

“Ha, way ahead of you,” laughed Mark. “Got it in the kitchen already.”

“Ah.”

“Dinner’s in the oven. He had a little lie down while I made it.”

“Get you being organised,” teased Seb, giving Mark another kiss. “Thank you Liebling.”

“No problem. Enjoy your swim?”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb. “Thank you.”

“Nah s’alright. Teddy and I have been making plans.”

“Oh?”

“Yep. We’re thinking if this weather sticks we could have some time in the garden tomorrow afternoon.”

Sebastian smiled at the idea that their three month old son might have such a discussion.

“That sounds nice,” he concurred.

“Having a nice weekend off then?”

“Yeah.”

Seb didn’t want to think about how rare they were going to be in the coming month. A little denial would be preferable if he could manage it. Just a nice evening off cosying up together. If their son did decide to grant them the favour of napping through much of it that would be quite nice too. The price would doubtless be paid in the middle of the night if he did, but they’d take their moments where they could.

“Right, come on then young man,” smiled Mark to the baby. “Let’s show Papa what we’ve been making for dinner and then we’ll see if you might want your bottle.”

“I’ll take him.”

Mark handed Teddy over. He knew Seb wanted to get as much time with their son as possible while he was home. As they walked out Mark put his arm around him. For tonight perhaps they could just pretend that they were an ordinary family with nothing else to worry about?

 

 

* * *

 


	215. Where do you go to?

 

* * *

 

That evening they were in the lounge, Teddy having a post-bottle nap in his crib while Mark and Seb knelt by the shelves containing their large DVD collection, perusing the spines and discussing what to put on.

“You want something action-y or something funny?” enquired Mark.

“Hmm. I dunno. What do you want Liebling?”

Mark scanned the shelves again.

“Something cheerful,” he decided.

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

Mark was about to make a suggestion when Seb’s phone started buzzing on the coffee table and he jumped up to grab it, Mark following.

“Hello? Oh hi mum. Yeah he’s here. No, Teddy’s asleep. Hang on. I’ll just step out so I don’t wake him.”

Sebastian pulled an apologetic face and went out into the hall. Mark sighed and looked at the dogs settled in the middle of the floor. If Seb didn’t put the call on speaker for them to share the call that wasn’t a great sign. A couple of minutes later Sebastian came back through and put the phone down.

“Sorry Liebling.”

“All okay?”

Sebastian shrugged and Mark shook his head and stepped in to give him a hug.

“Darling don’t stress about it.”

Seb looked up.

“I just feel bad.”

“Don’t.”

“I told her we were watching a film.”

“Well we are. Trying to anyway.”

Seb scrunched his face. It felt as though he’d blown her off with an excuse.

“We didn’t look at the diary,” he noted.

“Oh. Guess not.”

Seeing as Teddy had waited until they got home to demand his bottle, as a consequence they had forgotten all other concerns.

“You want to look?” offered Mark.

 

Seb puffed a breath, then nodded. Mark wanted to argue they should put it to one side, but perhaps it would feel better to tackle the issue? He went to find their shared family diary and set it on the coffee table so they could flick through it.

“It’s so packed this year,” noted Seb.

“Thank god they at least dropped one race.”

“It would be Germany though.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I thought maybe I could suggest they come to Austria instead?”

“Sure. Lots on there for Fabe and stuff.”

Seb gave him a little smile at Mark tending to think of his brother still as a child to be entertained when he was going to be eighteen later this year.

“Yeah and it’s not too far.”

“Okay, well that’s something,” stated Mark.

“It’s just, all the way to the summer it’s alternate weekends at best.”

“Hmm. Doesn’t give us much of a break in-between.”

“No.”

Seb bit his lip. It was all very well arranging for his family to come to a race, but he knew they wanted to visit and he had half-promised they would go and see them at some point. Plus he had meant to go see Stef and her family too. He let out a heavy sigh so Mark took his hand.

“Sweetheart you can’t go killing yourself to make them happy.”

Seb looked down.

“It’s just so hard. I do want to see them.”

“I know you do.”

“I just… it would be so much easier if they were down the road. Then they could come for a few hours and then just, you know...”

“Go away again,” completed Mark.

“Yeah. Does that sound horrible?”

“No. No darling, it sounds entirely reasonable.”

Sebastian looked down and Mark moved to put his arm around him.

“Sweetheart don’t upset yourself over this. Your mum wouldn't want that.”

 

Seb leaned into his side and Mark rested his head against Seb’s.

“Seb I’m sure she’d feel awful if she knew this was bothering you.”

“I know.”

“Your family just don’t quite understand how much work you do outside of races. They don’t get how much time you spend training and at the factory. They don’t see how knackered you are when you get back from a session with Antti.”

“I have tried telling them,” asserted Seb sitting up to look at him. “They just… I don’t know.”

“They don’t see it.”

“I have to work harder.”

Mark frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“In the gym. This year… it is tougher.”

“The new cars?”

Seb nodded.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just getting old?”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Sweetheart you’re still in your twenties.”

“Thirty soon.”

“Believe me that’s not old.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and let it out.

“I feel it more.”

“Racing?”

“Yeah. Antti’s trying to work on it, but I just have to put the time in. I mean I’m pretty sure it’s the same for the others.”

“Hmm, except not all of them have to shred themselves in the gym after a broken night’s sleep.”

“You do most of it.”

“You’re still woken.”

“I’m _not_ sleeping somewhere else,” asserted Seb quickly.

Mark looked at him.

“I’m not suggesting that. Things are how they are. All I’m saying is it explains why it’s pretty wearing on you. Your folks need to understand that.”

 

Seb sank his face into his hands and Mark worried that he was only making things worse.

“Darling it’s not their fault. I’m sure if you just told them they’d appreciate why it’s not as simple as they think.”

Sebastian closed his eyes. Sometimes it felt as though there was too much to juggle. Too many priorities. Too many people he was letting down. He sat up to look at Mark.

“I really do have to train harder.”

“I know.”

“It’s not like I want to be away from you and Teddy in the week.”

Mark sighed.

“I wouldn't think that.”

“I should have trained harder in the winter.”

Mark frowned.

“Well we kind of had other priorities.”

Sebastian looked over to where their son slept.

“I know, but now I have catching up to do. It was okay in Melbourne. It wasn’t so hot, but in Bahrain I know I’ll struggle.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“You’ll do your best.”

Seb said nothing in reply and Mark shook his head.

“You can’t do more than your best darling.”

 

He still didn’t get a response so Mark looked at Seb more closely, guessing there was more to this.

“Is this just your mum or has someone else said something?”

Sebastian squished his face. He didn’t like keeping things back from Mark, but he knew he would get annoyed if he told him.

“Was it Antti?” pressed Mark. “Is he pressuring you?”

Seb shook his head. He knew Mark had his reservations about his trainer and didn’t want to exacerbate things there. He had to say.

“Helmut was at the factory yesterday,” he confessed.

“Oh. Him.”

Mark’s jaw set. Dr Marko hadn’t even come to say hello to him in Melbourne. The most he had got was a nod as their eyes met in hospitality when Mark was sat there with Teddy. They hadn’t so much as received a congratulations card for the arrival of their son. Dietrich had sent one along with a gift and a note passing on his best wishes, but Helmut remained implacable in his now silent opposition to them. Mark could only guess his opinion on the publicity surrounding them now having a baby, but it wasn’t much of a leap to presume it wasn’t positive.

“What’s he said?” asked Mark, trying not to sound as annoyed as he already was.

“He just...” Seb sighed. “I saw him after I’d been in the gym and my hair was still wet from the shower.”

“Right.”

“And he said it was good to see I was concentrating on work.”

Mark repressed the urge to say that his former boss could fuck off with his passive-aggressive criticism which this so plainly was coming from him. Mark knew _exactly_ how Helmut would have said that and what it implied.

“So he’s made you feel you’re not working hard enough?”

 

Seb shrugged a shoulder tightly and Mark knew that was yes. Great. A one-two of guilt-tripping from Seb’s boss and his mother. No wonder his husband was conflicted. He huffed a breath.

“Just ignore him,” Mark advised.

Sebastian gave him a look.

“He’s my boss.”

“He’s _one_ of your bosses. Christian doesn’t have a problem does he?”

“No. I had a chat with him about stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“I told you I spoke to him about you not coming for the next few races.”

“Oh, yeah. Well Christian really runs things. Helmut just sticks his nose in.”

“Hmm.”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian sighed, then admitted; “He said he’d heard you were staying home with Teddy for a while.”

“Who? Helmut?”

“Yeah. And… well he said he thought it was for the best.”

“It’s got nothing to do with him.”

Mark could feel his ire rising. Helmut really could fuck off. It was a good job Mark wasn’t going to be at the next race. If he bumped into him Mark wasn’t sure he wouldn’t wind up with another story appearing about him losing the plot with someone in the paddock.

“He said...” Seb paused, knowing this wasn’t going to go down well. “He said hopefully that would mean I got a better result and I wouldn't let my team-mate past next time.”

Mark’s mouth opened.

“He what?”

Mark kneaded his temples to stop himself saying anything stronger.

“Was he watching the same race?” he challenged.

Sebastian shrugged.

“It was strategy Seb,” Mark insisted. “That’s why Dan got ahead. You know that. The whole team knows that.”

“Hm.”

Mark shook his head.

“He’s just deliberately being an arsehole.”

“ _Mark.”_

Seb looked over to the baby and Mark shook his head at Seb’s rule about swearing in front of their son.

 

“He’s asleep.” Mark huffed a breath to calm himself. “Sweetheart you know what Helmut’s up to. It’s his twisted way of motivating people; make them feel bad about themselves. Same old tricks. You know he used to do it to me.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I know.”

“He can get lost. You work as hard as you can. Him making his little digs does nothing to help. He’s just making you worry. How does that improve things?”

Seb shrugged and Mark shook his head.

“He’s got no business saying anything about what we decide to do as a family and he can get lost guilting you to work any harder than you already do.”

“I do need to get fitter though.”

“Sweetheart don’t listen to him.”

“No not because of him.”

“You’re already going back in on Tuesday.”

“I know.”

“So when? You fly out Wednesday and we’ve got Teddy’s doctor's appointment on Monday.”

“No no Liebling. I’m not missing that. It’s important. I’m not… Ah I don’t know. I just mean generally. It just feels...”

Sebastian trailed off and Mark dipped his head to look more closely in Seb’s eyes.

“What?”

“Just… Sometimes I feel it piling in on me. I want to do everything I can with Teddy and I hate that we’ll have to be apart.”

“Do you want us to change and come with you?”

Seb shook his head.

“No it’s the right call.”

“Okay.”

“I want to do all I can at home.”

“You are.”

“Thanks. Just...”

“It’s all of it?” guessed Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Why didn’t you say about Helmut?” asked Mark.

“Because I knew how you’d react.”

Mark sighed. _“Seb.”_

“I’m sorry. I didn’t much want to think about him on our weekend off either.”

“Well… alright. You need to tell me stuff though sweetheart.”

“Sorry.”

 

Mark shook his head and gave Seb a hug. He could happily throttle Helmut. Seb put enough pressure on himself without him adding to it. Seb’s mother Mark could forgive. He knew that like his own mother all Heike wanted was to see them. She genuinely felt that by coming here she would be helping, but Helmut could get stuffed with his insinuation that Sebastian having his son accompanying him to races was a hindrance the team could do without and that it meant Seb wasn’t racing hard enough. As if third place was something to sniff at and consider a failure.

All those snotty comments Mark recalled about his second places when Seb had been Helmut’s golden boy. Those snide little remarks about his age, as if Dr Marko was any kind of spring chicken himself.

There had been great rewards to being a part of the RedBull team, but the pressures could get to you and Mark had only been with them for a few years. Seb had been inside that system since he was a child. For all that they supported him, there were aspects that Mark knew had been very detrimental. The obligation Seb felt to please those above him had been ingrained. Trained responses to being told he wasn’t working hard enough. That good wasn’t good enough. He had to be better. Had to be the best. Anything below victory was failure and that failure was Seb’s. Failure emphasised to ‘motivate’ him to improve or know he could end up on the scrapheap with the rest of the discarded RedBull juniors who hadn’t satisfied their masters’ endless desire for success.

Some things never changed.

 

Mark glanced at their son sleeping and thought how Seb felt about him ever going into racing. One thing was for sure, they would never allow him to follow the same path as Seb. Not when he was so young and vulnerable, that much was certain.

“Please don’t keep things from me,” requested Mark in as soft a voice as he could.

Sebastian nodded, but he couldn’t stop himself pouting and looking down, emotion washing forwards inside him like a tide.

Mark sighed and pulled him closer.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you feel more guilty,” he apologised.

Seb took in a deeper breath.

“I just wanted to put it out of my mind.”

“Yeah okay. Don’t let him get to you though darling. Hm?”

Seb nodded again and Mark put his hand at the side of his face, looking carefully into Sebastian’s eyes.

“I know you want to do well and the cars are tougher this year. I get that. I’m not saying you shouldn’t give time to training so you’re in the best shape you can be to drive. You don’t need to feel bad about that, but Helmut’s got no right to be bullying you.”

“It was just a little dig,” replied Seb quietly.

“Hmm.”

Mark stroked Seb’s cheek, then smoothed down his arm. There was plenty he could say about Helmut’s ‘little digs’ but perhaps it wouldn't help?

 

They were facing each other now. Seb leaned in to rest his temple on Mark’s shoulder, turned to face inwards. He slipped his arms around Mark’s back and pressed in.

“It’s just all that and then… I hate cancelling on my family.”

Mark tried to angle his head down enough to look at Seb.

“You haven’t cancelled on them.”

“I feel like I have.”

Mark glanced at the diary still set open on the coffee table.

“We’ll find a way.”

Seb just nodded slightly against him, but he’d gone quiet. Mark kept his arms around him and left it a minute thinking that he really would upset Seb if they kept going back and forth on this. Sebastian closed his eyes, trying to stop things overwhelming him. He didn’t know how to reconcile all the demands on him without something giving. He felt as though he didn’t do enough for their son as it was and if he didn’t give enough to his work and his training then all the sacrifices Mark was making to allow him to race were for naught, but then his family deserved more from him too. For so long he had cut them out and it was only in recent years that they had become closer. Seb didn’t want things to regress to how they had been, making excuses and pushing them away.

 

He closed his eyes tighter wishing he hadn’t let himself think about that. Seb didn’t want to remember the past; Pained phone-calls and tortured explanations. Lies. There were always lies that he told them. Mostly that he was okay. That he was sorry. That hadn’t been a lie. Seb was always sorry. He was sorry he heard the disappointment in his mother’s voice when she said she understood. He was sorry when his little brother said he _didn’t_ understand.

It broke his heart when Fabian did that. His sad little voice plaintively repeating that he’d thought they’d made a plan, that Seb was going to watch him play football this weekend, that they’d play computer games and just hang out. How many times had Seb let him down? He’d been so young then, only just reaching his teens. Now his brother had plenty more going on in his life, but Seb knew when Fabian texted to say he could pop over any weekend without his parents, his brother was disappointed when Seb replied saying they’d try to find a good time without giving any specific plans. His dad had always sounded more as though he really did understand, but that only made Seb feel as though he ought to ensure he had those good results to prove to his father that their sacrifices for him were worth it.

Sebastian blinked and tears leaked out before he could stop them.

“Oh sweetheart.” Mark rubbed over Seb’s arm to comfort him.

“I hate letting them down,” Seb confessed.

“Don’t think like that darling.”

“I can’t help it.”

Mark gently brushed under Sebastian’s eyes with his thumb.

“You’re not letting anyone down,” he insisted softly.

Sebastian leaned into him in the same position as before, resting his body into Mark, his head on Mark’s shoulder. He stared out blankly, his mind falling backwards.

“I cancelled on them so many times.”

“You’ve got a lot to deal with.”

“In the past.”

Mark stroked over his arm.

“Then too.”

“I told them it was because of work. It was always because of work.”

Mark tried to look at Seb.

“And it wasn’t?”

“Not always.”

“No,” agreed Mark softly.

 

He let out a long sigh. Mark knew there had been times where Seb couldn’t have faced going home for all too obvious reasons. If there was anything Seb couldn’t hide, his mother would have been a lot more persistent in her enquiries than anyone at the team might have been. She wouldn’t have been fobbed off if she saw her son was injured in some way. She would have worried. Because she loved him. Seb couldn’t go home because his mother loved him. There was a terrible tragic irony to that.

“Sometimes there really were work things,” Sebastian added.

“Right.”

“But mostly… I couldn't let them see.”

“No.”

“And sometimes...” Sebastian paused but he didn’t move his head to look at Mark. Instead he fixed on a blank spot on the wall, staring at it and just absorbing the feeling of Mark as he leaned into him. “...sometimes he let me make plans.” Seb’s voice dropped even fainter. “And then he made me cancel.”

Mark tried to get in Seb’s eyeline, but he could see he was drifting away back to those painful memories.

“He made you cancel?” repeated Mark, trying to reach him.

“Yeah.”

Seb’s voice was little more than a whisper, as if it too drifted. Mark could see that Sebastian's eyes were open, but the focus was gone. He didn’t like to think where Seb had gone. These days it was usually only at night that Seb’s mind wandered down dark paths into those locked-off rooms. They were dangerous places filled with lurking shadows and unseen trapdoors. You should at least hold someone's hand if you went in there. Someone you trusted to keep you safe.

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian seemed not to hear him.

“Sweetheart what is it?”

“Just. Stuff.”

Sebastian gave a long and heavy shrug against him.

“Don’t shut me out. Please darling.”

Seb closed his eyes, took a deeper breath then sat up before opening them to look at Mark.

“It was just what he did, sometimes...”

“To alienate you from your family.”

“I guess. At the time it just felt like it was… I don’t even know.”

“To hurt you?”

“Maybe.”

“To control you.”

“It felt like a test,” Seb admitted.

“A test?” frowned Mark.

Seb nodded.

“A test of what?”

“Of me. If I’d obey him.”

Mark puffed a breath and took Seb’s hand as he continued.

“I mean he didn’t… He didn’t put it that way. It was always… There was always a reason. He’d make up a reason, but he’d wait until a couple days before.”

“And then he’d spring it on you?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark nodded back.

“And if you didn’t comply?” asked Mark.

 

Sebastian shrugged tightly, feeling that familiar heat in his chest. Mark could only squeeze his hand and shake his head. He knew what happened if Seb didn’t comply with Heikki’s demands. So Seb had been given the option of cancelling because he was told to, or cancelling because of what happened if he didn’t give in and obey him. It made Mark want to find Heikki’s grave, dig him up and kill him over again.

“Before Spa...”

“Hm?”

“The week before Spa I was meant to be going home for the weekend.”

“Oh.”

“I hadn’t been back all summer. It was the break. The year before I came to you.”

Mark stroked over the back of Seb’s hand with his thumb and nodded. That was how they divided their history: Before and after.

“I couldn't see them earlier in the break because… Well you know why.”

Sebastian looked to him and Mark nodded again. He didn’t want to have to make Seb go through remembering that as well.

“But I was okay by then. I’d told my family I’d go to stay before the season started up again. I’d told him too. Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I should just have gone without telling him, but he would have been so angry when I got back I didn’t dare.”

Mark sighed. At that point Seb couldn’t conceive of _not_ going back to Heikki.

“And then he said you couldn’t go?”

Seb huffed out a mirthless little laugh.

“He was never that straight-forward. No...” Seb looked down at their linked hands, then back to Mark. “You remember I hurt my wrist before Spa.”

“ _He_ hurt your wrist before Spa,” amended Mark.

“Yeah. Well.”

“Oh. Oh god,” sighed Mark. “That’s how it happened?”

Sebastian nodded.

“You tried to say no?” Mark guessed.

Seb looked at him and as he saw the depths in those blue eyes Mark wished he hadn’t used that phrase.

“Sweetheart I’m sorry.”

Seb shook his head.

“I didn’t exactly… I don’t know. I didn’t say no. I tried to argue… Not argue...”

Seb furrowed his brow, struggling to find a way to explain. For someone looking in he knew it was hard to make sense of. Even for _him_ looking back it wasn’t logical, but he’d been trapped in a pattern of behaviour, been conditioned to think and respond in ways he couldn’t break out of.

“You tried to resist?” offered Mark.

“I guess,” agreed Sebastian. “I tried to reason with him.” He huffed another sad laugh. “I was still trying to reason with him, even after everything. And then, when I tried to walk away he grabbed hold of my wrist, and, I was upset, I wasn’t really thinking straight and I tried to pull away.”

“ _Seb._ ”

 

Mark sighed at how even after all this time, even after they had discussed this very incident before, Seb could still talk about it as if his injury had been down to _his_ actions, not Heikki’s.

“Seb it wasn’t up to you to prevent it happening. He grabbed your wrist and he wouldn't let go because you were trying to get away. Right?”

Seb nodded, his face tense.

“Sweetheart he twisted it. He hurt you on purpose. It wasn’t an accident and it wasn’t your fault. He hurt you because you were trying to stand up to him and say you still wanted to go to visit your family.”

“Yeah.” Seb’s voice had gone quiet again. “He said I wasn’t training hard enough. That was the reason I couldn't go. He said I wasn’t in shape for Spa because I hadn’t done enough over the summer. He said I was lazy and he’d tell the team that. He’d tell the team why if I was no good at Spa.”

“He threatened you.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“I suppose. He made it sound as though it would just be reporting back.”

“For god’s sake,” sighed Mark. “And then he sprained your wrist and made it so you nearly couldn’t drive there anyway.”

 

Sebastian nodded, feeling it harder to speak. Mark spoke, then wished he hadn’t.

“ _Could_ you even train at the start of the break? He hurt you so badly.”

Seb’s shook his head, then his face crumpled.

“No. I couldn't do anything. I couldn’t, couldn't even get up after.”

Mark sagged. Damn damn. His stupid big blundering mouth. He’d pushed one of those dangerous doors open.

“Oh god, Seb I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you think about that.”

Seb was looking down, his face scrunched tight, trying to stop things getting worse.

“It was so bad I even thought about going to the doctor, but I was too scared.” Those pained blue eyes connected with Mark’s. “He never even mentioned it. He just stayed away for a few days, then acted like nothing had happened. Like it was all in my mind. He was so normal it was almost like it must have been a bad dream. I’d have thought I was going crazy if it didn’t still hurt so much. And in the mirror, in the bathroom mirror, I looked and I could see… I could see… see what he’d done to me.”

 

Having got that out Sebastian took a sharp breath then dissolved into tears. Mark folded him back into his arms and let Seb cry. But for their son lying still asleep nearby Mark would have had plenty to say, all of which was unacceptable to tiny ears.

 

Sebastian lay into him, trying to just let it out rather than repress his emotions as he had in the past. He didn’t want to think about back then, but to stop it now felt as though it would take too much and then Seb knew how his body would react; he’d fall into a panic attack. His mind would spin out of control as his breathing and heart-rate did he same. He’d hyperventilate, maybe throw up, perhaps even pass out as he had previously. It felt so frightening in those moments on the edge that Seb became so terrified he thought he might die.

Seb knew he had to prevent that. He couldn’t be like that any more, couldn’t give in. He had to stop trying to block up the volcano and accept that letting it out was better. Though it seemed counter-intuitive, Seb knew by now that to retain some level of control of his body, he had to stop trying to control his reaction so much. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe steadily, absorbing the feeling of Mark enveloping him and his whispered reassurances that it was okay as Sebastian allowed the tears to silently flow.

He still took a while to subside. Mark could feel Sebastian’s chest slowing and as he looked down he could see that the tears had stopped, but he knew it was a mistake to try to make Seb talk right away. Mark felt horribly guilty that he had pushed Seb into talking too much about things and this was the result. Then again if they hadn’t talked he knew it would only have built up in him and then everything might have got on top of Seb with the same result or worse. For now Mark knew he just needed to let things settle and hope that they could sort things out when Seb had had a little while to recover himself. Mark couldn't see focus in Seb’s eyes and he worried what he was thinking about, but now wasn’t the time to ask. He just had to be there for him.

 

Eventually Seb’s heart slowed to match his breathing, but as he stared blankly out the crib that was in his eye-line his mind went back to how he was sure his mother had sounded hurt when he fobbed her off before. She hadn’t said as much. She’d said it was fine, but Sebastian wasn’t sure it was all that possible to hide in your voice how you really felt to those who truly knew you. He’d thought he could in the past, but maybe she’d always known things weren’t right?

 

Sebastian thought back to how he had sat at the kitchen table in his old house in Switzerland, an ice-pack on his wrist after Heikki had gone. He had the phone set before him on speaker so he didn’t have to hold it.

“You sound distant dear, echoey, are you in the bathroom or something?”

“Oh, no sorry Mum it’s on speaker.”

“Oh I see. I never know how to make it do that. Anyway, are you ringing to check times? Your father can pick you up from the airport if you just let us know when.”

Seb closed his eyes. He had to remain composed to get through this. He just had to say what he had to and get off the phone. Get it over with as quickly as possible.

“Um, no, Mum I’m really sorry but I can’t make it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t come. This weekend.”

“Oh.”

His mother sounded crushed. As if he had just knocked all the air out of her. Sebastian blinked frantically, trying not to cry. She’d hear it if he cried. He mustn’t cry.

“I’m really sorry. I’ve got to work, well, train and prepare and stuff. I’m sorry Mum. I thought I had time, but...”

“You can’t come.”

“No. I wish I could. It’s just… the race, next weekend. It’s so soon now and Spa, it’s such a demanding track.”

 

There was a silence and Sebastian stared at his wrist. Was it swelling despite icing it? Oh god. What if it was really sprained and he couldn’t drive? What was he going to tell Christian? Dr Marko would be angry. He didn’t want to face another talking-to like in Hungary. What questions would Dr. Phillips ask? Seb didn’t think he could hide it this time. What excuse could he give? What sounded feasible, innocent, plausible? What wouldn't lead to more questions being asked?

“Are you alright dear?”

“I’m fine.” Sebastian swallowed and took in silent settling breath. “I just… I have to work. I’m sorry. You understand don’t you?”

“Of course. You’re sure you’re okay? You don’t sound yourself.”

Seb closed his eyes. Damn.

“No I just… I’ve just had a bit of a cold. That’s why I have to catch up.”

“Oh I see.”

Sebastian sighed. He didn’t even know where that lie had come from. Just another lie. A harmless one really. A lie to protect his family from the truth.

“Sebi are you still there?”

“Yeah sorry.”

“Do you want a word with your father?”

God. No he didn’t. Seb wanted to crawl into bed and cry.

“Of course,” he replied.

 

“Seb.” His father's voice now.

“Hi Dad. Did Mum tell you?”

“Yes. You have to work?”

“Yeah. I’m really sorry Dad. It’s just you know how tough Spa is and I really have to be ready.”

“Of course you do,” agreed Norbert. “Don’t worry about us. You do what you need to son. This is an important race isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“And so close now to getting that next championship.”

“Way to go really, but yeah I guess.”

“Well all the more important you put everything into it then. We understand.”

“Thanks.”

“We’re so proud of you son.”

Sebastian spare hand went from holding the ice-pack in place and shot to cover his face as tears suddenly streamed down.

“Seb are you still there?”

He swallowed and roughly scrubbed at his face.

“Yep.”

“You’re busy. We’ll let you go.”

“Thanks. Sorry.”

“Now that’s alright. You know we’ll be watching.”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

“Alright well I’m sure we’ll speak before then.”

There was a noise in the background and Seb was sure he could hear more than one voice.

“Yes I’ve told him. No Fabian your brother is very busy. He’s got more important things to be doing than coming to play with you.”

A sigh and more voices off, then his father's resigned voice returned.

“Seb your brother wants a quick word. A _quick_ word Fabian, he’s got things to get on with.”

 

There was another rustle as the phone was passed over, then a much younger voice came on.

“Seb?”

“Hi Fabe. Look I’m really sorry.”

“You said you were coming.”

Oh god. Seb was crying again. Heikki was right, he was pathetic. So weak he couldn’t even get through a phone-call without caving in to his emotions.

“I’m sorry.”

“We haven’t seen you all summer.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Muffled in the background Sebastian was sure he could hear his father telling Fabian off.

“I _know_ he’s busy Dad. I just… It’s only a weekend. Can’t you just come for a couple of days?” appealed Fabian.

“I have to work.”

“Don’t you want to see us?”

“Of course I do.”

“We never see you any more.”

Seb’s stomach was in knots, tying itself tighter and tighter.

“I’m sorry.”

“Could I maybe come to Spa then?”

Sebastian sighed and felt even more guilty as his brother's voice disappeared and there was a faint rumble of an argument before his father was back.

“Seb?”

“Yeah.”

“Pay no attention to your little brother. You do what you need to. A little boy doesn’t know what’s really involved in racing.”

“ _I’m_ _ **not**_ _a little boy!”_

His brother's voice. Quite loud enough to be heard down the phone as he shouted in the background.

“You’re behaving like one,” countered his father. “Now go to your room!”

Seb could hear fading protests as he guessed his mother marched Fabian out. His brother was upset and it was Seb’s fault.

“Dad I’m sorry.”

“Your brother is just being immature. Don’t worry about it. You weren’t like that at his age were you?”

Sebastian stared at the ice-pack on his wrist. No, he hadn’t been a kid any more by the time he reached thirteen, fourteen. He’d had to grow up. On the surface at least. He’d mostly learnt to hide those tears his brother was probably crying in his room right now. Just like Seb was despite his attempts to hide them now. His parents couldn’t know how hard it was.

“Yeah. I’m sorry Dad I have to go.”

“Okay, well don’t be worrying about us.”

“Okay.”

“All our love then.”

“Yeah love you too. Bye.”

“Bye Seb, take care.”

 

 _Take care._ It was too late to take care. Sebastian disconnected the call and folded his good arm onto the table so he could bury his face into it, crying until he couldn’t cry any more, just like his little brother hundreds of miles away in his room back home. He cried until his chest hurt from the overlapping breaths, all the while condemning himself for being so weak just as Heikki said he was. Making himself worse as he tried and failed to stop himself until only exhaustion caused Seb to wear down to a drained halt.

Sebastian only lifted his head when he heard his phone buzz. At seeing it was a text from Heikki he flinched, but he knew he had to read it. When Heikki had left an hour ago Sebastian had almost been surprised there hadn’t been further consequences to his defiance. Heikki had merely told him not to make a fuss, left his instructions and then walked out, saying he couldn’t be doing with Seb when he was being so childish.

HEIKKI: Have you called them?

Sebastian bit his lip. He was praying Heikki wouldn't come back tonight. It was gone nine now. Seb wondered what reply would discourage him.

HEIKKI: Dont ignore me. You need to call them and let me know you’ve done it.

Seb closed his eyes. He’d not replied fast enough. If he wasn’t careful he’d make him more angry and then what might happen? He took a calming breath and typed a reply.

SEB: I called them. Told them I cant go.

HEIKKI: Good. 7am run tmw. Dont be late. No excuses.

SEB: OK

Sebastian took the ice-pack off his left wrist. It was swelling up now. Shit _shit_. Seb tried moving it and instantly regretted it. Oh fuck. It couldn’t be broken could it? It had hurt so much when Heikki twisted it as Seb tried to walk away. His grip was like a vice. Seb knew he should have stopped straight-away, not made the mistake of taking that step, not looked away. That was what sealed it. He’d looked away when Heikki was talking to him. Big mistake. He knew better than that. He knew how strong Heikki’s hands were. How pointless it was to think he’d ever let go. It was his own fault.

 

 

The next morning Seb was up at six. Just in case. He couldn’t sleep anyway. All night his wrist had hurt and he’d lain awake trying not to move it, staring up at the ceiling praying that the door wouldn't open, that Heikki wouldn't come back to punish him further. Now he sat at the kitchen table again, drinking coffee. He couldn’t eat. Seb simply sat there, waiting.

He still jumped when he heard the front door open at five to seven. Sebastian hurriedly returned the ice-pack he’d put on his wrist back in the freezer and quickly went into the hall where Heikki was stood checking his watch.

“Are you ready?”

Sebastian wanted to point down at the running kit he was wearing and ask what it looked like, but he just nodded. Heikki stepped in closer and picked up Sebastian’s left wrist without a word. Seb wanted to snatch it into his body, but instead he stood still, trying not to flinch as Heikki examined it.

“It’s swollen,” observed Heikki. “Didn’t you ice it?”

“I did.”

“Hmm.” Heikki sighed and shook his head. “This is what happens when you don’t listen to me.”

Seb opened his mouth at the unfair accusation. He wasn’t even sure if Heikki meant him not icing it properly or the injury happening in the first place. Somewhere in there he caught the implied threat, but Seb knew he shouldn't react. Heikki didn’t wait for him to say anything though. He simply shook his head again and went to collect his backpack that he had dumped on the hall floor.

“Come through,” he instructed as if this was his house, not Seb’s own home.

Sebastian sat back at the table as Heikki manipulated his wrist, shaking his head in disapproval and ignoring any pain Seb might be feeling.

“Ow.”

Heikki looked at Seb without sympathy.

“Such a baby.”

“Is it broken?”

Heikki scoffed.

“Don’t be so pathetic. It’s just a sprain. Stop making such a fuss. Honestly, anyone would think you were five years old.”

Sebastian looked down, trying not to pout. Heikki got out an elasticated tube bandage and put it on for him, watching Seb to see if he grimaced.

“It’s too tight,” Seb complained.

“It’s supposed to be tight you fool. What would be the point in a loose one?”

Sebastian did pout now. He knew it would only wind Heikki up, but he couldn’t help it.

“My god. You’re not going to _cry_ are you?” taunted Heikki. “Over a little thing like this?”

Seb shook his head.

“Stop whining then,” dismissed Heikki. “You did this. It’s your own fault.”

He paused straightening the bandage and looked at Seb.

“You know that don’t you? You know this is your fault.”

Sebastian nodded. Even without any breakfast inside, his stomach churned.

“Good.” Heikki completed his task. “There, it’s done. Right. I hope you don’t think this gets you out of training?”

“No.”

“No? I should hope not. You’ve been lazy enough this summer. I’m not having you showing me up in Spa.”

“I...”

“What?” Heikki raised an eyebrow ominously. “Do you have something to say?”

Sebastian shook his head. Best to say nothing.

“Come on then. We’re late now.”

Sebastian was tempted to ask if the lanes they ran along would be mysteriously gone if they were ten minutes later than scheduled, but such facetiousness was not wise. Instead he stood silently. He did feel a little better now that his wrist was at least immobilised. As they reached the front door Heikki turned to him.

“We will go up Heldenstrasse,” he announced.

 _Oh god,_ thought Seb. The loop road up the side of the mountain, on and on along the seeming unending gradient. Not steep, nothing in a car, but on foot it was draining, kilometre after kilometre, on and on, slowly uphill until you were begging to stop. No way he could complain though. Seb simply nodded and went on outside to do their warm-up on the drive below the already bright morning sun in its clear Alpine-blue sky.

 

 

An hour later he was bent double at the side of the road throwing up into the tall grass. Heikki stood impatiently beside him, waiting until Seb stood straight before passing him his drinks bottle. Sebastian swilled his mouth, then spat it out before drinking properly.

“This is not good enough,” declared Heikki. “This shows you have been slacking. Do you not want this championship? Do you waste everyone’s time all through the year? My time. I give all of my time to you. Do you think anyone else would when this is how you act? Look at the state of you.”

He flipped Sebastian’s wrist up and let it fall, causing Seb to let out a little cry of pain.

“See? Pathetic,” spat Heikki, looking at him as if he had never seen a more disgusting specimen. “How weak you are. You damage your wrist from nothing, you cannot run a dozen kilometres without causing another fuss. What is wrong with you? Are you trying to get attention or do you just want to go home like a little mummy’s boy?”

 

Sebastian made no reply. There was no reply to be made. He sipped his drink, feeling the lactic acid screaming in his muscles and his insides only just ceasing to swill. He didn’t even know how there was anything in him to throw up. It must be yesterday’s dinner from before his visitor appeared.

“Do you want to give up?” challenged Heikki.

Sebastian lowered the bottle.

“No.”

“I can’t hear you.”

“ _No_.”

“Don’t you want to win?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then you will stop whimpering like a child all the time and do as I tell you. The car may be good but it will only hide your inadequacies so far. Or perhaps you would hand this championship to your team-mate?” Heikki laughed. “Wouldn’t that be a nice retirement present for him. Is that your intent?”

“No I want to win.”

“It is not enough to want to win. You must want to beat all the others. You must destroy them.”

Seb took a deep breath, then nodded, taking another sip of energy drink to buy some time.

“Are you prepared to really try now then?” asked Heikki.

“Yes.”

“Good.” Heikki took the bottle and put it into his bag. “Make sure you keep up this time. Let’s go.”

They set off running once more. Around them rose the majestic Swiss mountains, in the valley below a river sparkled in the morning sunlight as it flowed along. They passed immaculate chocolate-box chalets with flowers edging their balconies and windows, high pastures stretched out into the distance, green and dappled with edelweiss. It was beautiful, perfect, idyllic. It was Sebastian’s hell on Earth.

 

 

 

Though Seb had long since ceased crying, Teddy now started up, crying much more volubly as well as wriggling in his crib and it was as though a spell was broken. Sebastian sat up and Mark gave his arm a rub.

“It’s okay. I’ve got it,” he assured.

Mark looked to check Sebastian was reasonably okay before getting up and lifting Teddy out.

“Hey now. What’s the matter?”

He lifted the baby higher and sniffed his rear, pulling a face and looking to Seb.

“We’ll just be a sec.”

Sebastian nodded, still feeling as though he was adjusting to dealing with his life in the present. His gaze drifted down to his wrist. Their fish sat there now, like some kind of good luck charm. It protected him, that symbol of endurance and Mark’s unending love had supplanted what had once been a source of pain. His wrist was long healed and his tormentor was dead. The world had turned.

 

Five minutes later Mark returned with a now hushed baby changed into his night babygro. He saw the way Seb had curled up his legs onto the sofa, leaning sideways into the back, and came to join him.

“Is he okay?” asked Seb quietly.

“He’s fine. Are you okay?”

Seb both shrugged and nodded at the same time, which Mark interpreted as ‘okay but not great’. He shifted Teddy into one arm and put the other out, encouraging Seb to move in so he could wrap it around him. Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He gazed down at the baby. He was so innocent, so unaware of the dangers in life.

“He looks lovely like this,” sighed Sebastian.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Sleepy still I reckon.”

“He’s growing so fast.”

“Yeah.”

“He will be alright with the doctor on Monday won’t he Liebling?”

“Course he will. It’s just a check-up. Nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked at him. Seb was still very quiet.

“Mum just wants to see him,” Sebastian asserted.

Mark sighed. He didn’t want to go over it all again.

“Sweetheart.”

“She does though.”

“I know. And in itself of course that’s great, but it’s not so simple is it?”

“No.”

Mark rubbed over his arm as he thought about things.

“Okay, well look, you’ve got enough pressures on you and more than enough dashing about to add any more to it, so giving over a whole weekend to visits is a bit much when they’re rare enough as it is, so… What about we suggest we both sides find a day, a Saturday probably when we could have them over, just for the day and we send the plane for them so they could come pretty much straight here? It’s only twenty minutes to the airfield. We can arrange a car, sort it all out for them. Then they can get here mid-morning, have lunch, have a play with Teddy, maybe go for a walk, whatever, then head back home in the evening. How does that sound?”

Seb huffed a breath as he thought about it.

“They’ll say it’s excessive to use the plane.”

“I know, but that way it’s less than two hours door-to-door: No hanging around at airports, less driving, less fuss. If we just be honest and explain how things are don’t you think they’d agree?”

 

Sebastian furrowed his brow a little. Being honest with his parents. There was a new approach.

“I guess.”

“Then we can both have what we want: They get to see us and we don’t have to have to have a big stress and devote the whole weekend to it.”

Sebastian nodded slowly. He knew his parents would still say sending a private plane was ridiculous, but the whole point of them using it was to make their lives easier, to save themselves time and energy, so why not extend that to flying others to see them? He gave Mark a weak smile.

“Fabe’ll probably bite our hands off.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, well we can get him to do the persuading then.”

“I guess if I tell them how much I really have to do on the other days. I do want to see them.”

“Of course you do. So do I. Family’s important, but it shouldn’t stress you out. We’ll call them, set things out and explain so they understand.”

“Okay.”

“Okay then.” Mark dipped in and kissed Sebastian’s temple. “Not right now though.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian let out a long slow breath and leaned his head down on Mark’s shoulder. So what if it seemed wasteful? It wasn’t about flashing the cash and showing off. He had all this money in the bank and what was the point if he didn’t use it to make life a little better? He could off-set it, make a matching donation to charity so he didn’t need to feel so guilty about it.

“Does that feel a bit better?”  checked Mark.

Seb nodded his head against him.

“Good.”

 

 

They sat quietly for a little while until Teddy fell asleep again, then Mark got up to put him back in his crib.

“We were going to watch a film,” he noted.

“Oh, yeah.”

“You still want to? We could just go to bed?”

Sebastian took in a deep breath, then shook his head.

“No Liebling I think I could use settling a bit first.”

Mark frowned and came to sit back with him.

“Are you still worrying?”

“No. Your idea’s good.”

“Okay.”

“I just… I’m just a bit churned up.”

Mark stroked Seb’s hair at the side.

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Okay.”

“Just some bad memories.”

Mark sighed and nodded. No wonder Seb didn’t want to go straight to bed. He hoped this didn’t mean nightmares lay ahead for him. Mark wasn’t about to repeat the mistake of forcing Seb to talk more when all it meant was re-opening old wounds. His job was to soothe them, not aggravate things further.

“The past darling, okay? Long past.”

“Yeah.”

“We’re making a better future.”

Sebastian nodded and glanced to their son.

“It is worth it.”

“Hm?” frowned Mark.

“Everything. It’s worth it, for what we have now.”

“Oh. Yeah course it is sweetheart.”

Mark looked at him for another moment.

“Seb you do want to keep racing don’t you?”

“Hm? Yes of course.”

“Okay, just...” Mark shrugged. “I don’t know. If you ever decided you didn’t, you know you can make that call right? If all the stress isn’t worth it.”

 

Sebastian paused. All the travel, all the media, all the killing himself in the gym, being apart from Teddy and Mark, struggling so badly to manage fitting in his family. All the laughs and friendly repartee in the garage, feeling that he belonged somewhere, feeling he had achieved something when he had a good race, the elation when he actually won one or got pole, the sensation of being in control of those incredible cars, the pull of speed and the satisfaction of racing when it went well.

He let out a long breath and nodded.

“Thank you.”

“Huh?”

“Just for saying that.”

Mark looked confused.

“It’s really not something you have to thank me for. It’s your life, your career.”

“No Liebling. You don’t understand. Thank you. You’re the only person in my life who’s ever really made me feel secure enough to feel free. You’re my rock, Mein Fels, my base. Without that I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t launch off and come back.”

Mark smiled and Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“Does that sound stupid?”

“No it sounds great. Rocket-man.”

Sebastian matched Mark’s smile.

“It is kind of silly.”

“No it’s not. If I can be your launch-pad darling it’s more than an honour. Just so long as you always come back to Earth.”

Sebastian put his arms around him.

“I’ll always come back to you. Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

“Good.” Mark gave him a kiss. “Just so long as you’re doing what you want to. For you and nobody else.”

Seb nodded.

“It is difficult. Not all of it’s good, but the good things matter.”

“Course they do.”

“There’s more I want to achieve.”

“And you will.”

“I hope so. And even when it’s tough, even when things aren’t going so well driving, I still like being part of the team, being in the garage.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Are you missing that Liebling?”

“Mm, some. I think it’s easier knowing I’ll be back next year.”

Sebastian huffed out a helpless little laugh.

“Oh god, how are we going to manage that?”

Mark shook his head.

“Dunno. We will though.”

“Mm.”

“No need to worry about it now.”

“No, okay.”

Mark gave him another kiss.

“C’mon, we were picking a film. Something cheery.” He gave a flick of his eyebrows, knowing what usually worked. “Disney?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark got up and looked along the Disney shelf of DVD’s.

“What about ‘Beauty and the Beast’?”

“Yeah that’s good.”

“Excellent.”

 

Mark put it in and brought the remote control over, turning the TV on ready. As he passed Teddy he looked down at him.

“Oh kiddo, you’ve got lots of this to look forward to.”

Sebastian looked over as well. He couldn't wait to spend time with their son watching these with him when he was old enough to appreciate them. How nice that would be; their little boy cuddled up on the sofa with them, giggling and singing along and giving them an excuse to enjoy them all over again as Teddy discovered these films for the first time.

“Alright?”

Mark was back on the sofa with him, pressing play and putting the remote control down. Sebastian nodded, then settled into him, resting his head back on his shoulder and winding an arm around Mark’s front to hold onto him. Mark wrapped his arms back around Seb to get comfy watching the film.

“I like this one,” commented Seb.

Mark smiled. He wasn’t going to tease Seb that he liked all of them.

“Yeah me too,” he agreed.

“I think Belle’s the best Disney princess.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Didn’t we agree she’s you?”

Sebastian lifted his head to look at Mark.

“ _You_ said she’s me.”

“Ah, well.” Mark carded his fingers through Seb’s hair as he looked at him. “Smart, funny, kind, never gives up. Yeah… Can’t think where I get that idea.”

Seb looked back to the screen. Someone who stood out, who felt apart from those around him in a small town despite outwardly appearing much the same, internally an outsider finding love in an unexpected place with an unexpected person.

“I guess,” he conceded.

“Her dad even looks like yours.”

“He does not,” laughed Sebastian.

Mark smiled at that genuine laugh and stole a kiss.

“Okay,” he accepted.

Sebastian settled back into him.

“My dad has different coloured eyebrows.”

Mark rested his cheek down into Seb’s hair.

“Yeah,” he agreed softly.

 

 

Slowly Sebastian’s head slipped from Mark’s shoulder to his chest. Mark gave his arm a gentle rub.

“You wanna go up?”

“Hmm?”

Sebastian lifted himself back up to look at him.

“Do you want to go up?” repeated Mark.

“Do you?”

Mark chuckled.

“I’m okay.” He touched Seb’s cheek with a knuckle. “You wanna rest on my lap?”

Seb nodded, then paused as he looked at him. “I love you so much Liebling.”

“I love you too.”

 

They looked into each other’s eyes, then Seb leaned in to kiss Mark, letting his body rest into him and forgetting everything for a few moments, every stress in his life, every bad memory, everything they had coming up, even that they had a child only a foot away. Just for a moment it all went away, then they both remembered that they needed to breathe and Seb lifted away. He shuffled down to lie his head in Mark’s lap, twisting his upper body to look up at him.

“Liebling.”

“Hmm?”

“Can we go for a run in the morning?”

“If you want to.”

“’kay.”

“Not cos you’re stressing about training?”

“No that’s the fun stuff, with you, and with Teddy.”

“Ah. That’s okay then. Sure sweetheart. Hopefully it’ll be as nice as today was.”

“I just… I think I need to work on trying to find a balance,” explained Seb.

“Righto. No problem. We’ll work on that,” agreed Mark. “We’ll find a balance. It’ll be okay.”

Sebastian took in a breath, soaking that in. When Mark said things like that it sounded so certain. It made him believe it and feel stronger, braver, more positive and more able to cope with it all. He wasn’t going to get buried, Mark would help him and between them they’d find a way.

Very gently Mark skimmed his finger down Seb’s nose to try to get him to smile again, then ghosted it over those full lips he’d just kissed. Seb lay perfectly still, their eyes locked. When he’d finished and Mark moved his hand away Sebastian simply smiled up at Mark, the smile widening as Mark blew him a little kiss. Seb waited until it floated down to him, then shifted onto his side to face out.

 

They watched the film in near silence, both tired and preferring peace for a while. Mark could hear the baby breathing in his sleep, his little mouth partly open, the blanket over him going up and down with his chest. He looked back down feeling Sebastian breathing steadily as well. He’d been looking out at the TV, but Mark wasn’t entirely convinced he had really been concentrating on the film. Sometimes Seb drifted, especially when he was upset or tired, particularly when he was upset _and_ tired. No good came of interrogating him about it. He was okay now. Sometimes okay was pretty good in the circumstances. He’d tell him if he needed to tell him, if he wanted to tell him. Mark guessed he probably knew already one way or another. Just not specifically what it was this time.

He combed his fingers through Seb’s hair, getting no response, not even a flicker of a smile, or an opened eye. Mark was sure he was asleep now. Was he dreaming? Mark sighed. He hoped not tonight.

“ _Where do you go to my lovely? Where do you go to my love?”_ Mark sang the half-remembered lyrics in a hushed undertone, a little lost in it himself. _“Where do you go to my lovely? Where do you go in your head?”_

He stroked over Sebastian’s hair once more as if that could soothe away anything unpleasant stirred in his mind. Mark wanted to sigh that this sort of thing could flare up seemingly out of nowhere, but then it wasn’t really out of nowhere, it was always there, it was just that sometimes the bad stuff was brought to the surface when Seb couldn't keep those doors locked. It wasn’t his fault. As Mark looked down at him he wondered what was going on in that troubled mind, even in his sleep.

“Where do you go to?” he whispered. “Take care, don’t get lost there my love.”

 

 

* * *

 

 _But where do you go to my lovely_  
_When you're alone in your bed_  
_Tell me the thoughts that surround you_ _  
_ _I want to look inside your head_

 _`Cause I know you still bear_ _  
_ _the scar, deep inside, yes you do_

 _I know where you go to my lovely_  
_When you're alone in your bed_  
_I know the thoughts that surround you_ _  
_ _`Cause I can look inside your head_

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, sorry, so much for their peaceful evening off.
> 
> Oh and yes, the lyrics are both paraphrased and misremembered slightly, cos that's how my head works and that's often how it is, so Mark is tiredly misremembering too as he muses and soothes both Seb and really himself as well.


	216. Long Distance

* * *

 

  


All too soon Sebastian was back on the plane. This time it was peaceful, undisturbed by a wailing baby, but though Seb knew he would appreciate the chance to get some sleep on the journey, he wished with all his heart that Teddy and Mark were travelling with him. It had been so hard to say goodbye. Seb sat gazing out of the window down to the distant countryside below, but in his mind’s eye he didn’t see the patchwork of fields, roads and buildings. Instead he saw Mark on the doorstep for yet another goodbye, holding their baby with the dogs at his feet. Teddy waving (well, Mark doing it for him) and Seb waving back from the car, putting on a brave face. He closed his eyes now, hearing Mark’s warm voice reminding him that he loved him, that he’d be back soon and that they’d talk all they could in-between.

He’d been here before. Seb knew that leaving was almost the hardest part, topped only by lying alone in bed at night; no strong arms around him, no solid body to lie into, no kiss goodnight, no reassuring heartbeat beneath his ear, no sound of their son sleeping close by. No being repeatedly woken by him in the middle of the night either. Sebastian knew he ought to appreciate that, but it wasn’t quite so simple.

  


When he went through the usual Thursday media obligations Sebastian ignored any comments from press asking if his family was here this weekend. He didn’t react at all. Not on the surface. Externally Sebastian showed a blank expression whilst Britta firmly moved things on. Inside of course it made him think of those he missed. He thought of the Facetime calls where Teddy pawed at the screen and Seb touched it back, as if that could compensate for feeling only cold plastic and not his son’s soft little fingers. He wondered if a baby could understand what he was seeing, if his son really properly recognised him when he was so remote. He hoped so.

“Just concentrating on work this weekend then?” asked the reporter, guessing that seeing as there had been no sign of Mark here in Shanghai, then Seb was alone.

“All the team are focussed on getting a good result here,” Sebastian replied, barely thinking about his stock answer that Britta had supplied him with.

He didn’t care if it sounded rehearsed. He just didn’t care. They could make of it what they would. As soon as this was done Seb was going back to the garage where he would chat with the guys and hopefully have a bit of a laugh in addition as going over things. When he was working Seb didn’t think about his family. He really was focussed on getting a good result. That wasn’t a lie, even if it was a cliché the media were given all the time. Sebastian actually _was_ looking forward to getting in the car and seeing how they went around here. He _did_ want to get a good result. Just because these things were clichés didn’t mean they hadn’t got that way because they were true.

Seb was hardly going to give them the full answer which was: _When I’m working I’m fine, but in my hotel room my heart breaks every time I have to hang up and I don’t just count the time of my laps, I count the time until I’m home again and my husband can give me a hug that isn’t virtual and I can hold our son in my arms and see a smile that I know really is for me_ _and I feel whole again_ _._ They didn’t get that. Nobody got that answer except Mark.

Despite him and Britta stonewalling any attempt to discuss his personal life, Sebastian still endured several reporters continuing to try to drop in oblique questions about any support he might have here this weekend, only just stopping short of asking where Mark and the baby were for fear of earning a rebuke from Britta and losing all favour with Seb. Nobody went too far though and Seb hoped that if they understood how things were today then for the rest of the weekend he might just get solely work questions.

 

As he walked away Sebastian checked his watch and for the umpteenth time calculated the time-difference to the UK, wondering what Mark would be doing right now: Morning there of course, not afternoon, so maybe a nap, maybe chatting to Pauline who would be there by now, maybe going for that run he’d mentioned if it was still dry. Seb pulled out his phone to text as he walked, just to let Mark know he was fine, that the afternoon was going as planned and remind him he’d call from the hotel (which Mark already knew), just in the hope of prompting a reply so he had that to hold onto in the meantime.

  


  


Back in England Mark shifted a napping Teddy into one arm and picked up his phone from the table. Pauline looked around at hearing it buzz and paused cleaning the sink.

“I’ll hold him.”

“Oh, thanks.”

Pauline peeled off her rubber gloves then carefully took Teddy, thus freeing Mark’s hands to use his phone more easily. He read the message and smiled.

“That Seb?” enquired Pauline, guessing what a smile indicated.

Mark huffed a little laugh at her knowing.

“Yep. He’s fine. Just prep day stuff.”

“Ah okay.” Pauline looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms and whispered to him. “Bet your poor Papa is missing you chick.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark.

MARK: Good to hear sweetheart. We’re all fine here. Auntie Pauline is stealing a Teddy cuddle now he’s had his bottle, then I think we’ll go up for a bit. We’ll walk the dogs when he wakes up. I’ve always got my phone so you call whenever. Say hi to the guys for me. Love you.

“Say hello from me,” piped up Pauline.

Mark smiled and nodded, adding an extra text.

MARK: Pauline also says hi. I may have to wrestle Teddy from her to get that nap.

  


Sebastian stood at the entrance to the garage reading the two messages that arrived in quick succession. He smiled at Mark joking about how he would have to fight to get their son back from his Auntie Pauline.

“Everything alright?” checked Britta stood beside him.

Seb looked up from his phone.

“Yep. I’ll just be a sec.”

“Sure.”

SEB: I don’t think you stand a chance against Pauline Liebling ;)

SEB: Seriously, if you need a proper nap you could let her babysit?

MARK: Nah, we’re alright. I was only kidding.

SEB: OK, well I’m glad you’re alright. Love you. Give Teddy a kiss from me.

MARK: Will do. XOX

Sebastian fitted his phone away, knowing he could waste any amount of time pinging messages back and forth that weren’t really about anything.

“Sorry Britta. I’m good.”

“Right, so shall I come back to meet you after?”

“No I’m fine. See you at the base, yeah?”

“You’re going to do the track walk?”

“Yep. Be an hour or so.”

“Sure. Well I’ll be in my office.”

With a nod she left him so Seb went on into the main garage to get on with his work.

  


  


  


At half two in the morning Mark carried the crib containing his son down the stairs with infinite care. He didn’t want to wake him. Mark knew he could leave Teddy where he was with the baby monitor to warn him of any problem, but it felt better to have the baby right there next to him. Entering the lounge he shifted the coffee table a bit to the side using just his leg, then placed the crib down on it and let out a relieved little puff of air at seeing his son still fast asleep. It would be easier with him here if he woke wanting his a bottle and Mark had planned ahead and set up their travel changing kit over to the side in case he needed it. This way he would miss as little as possible of Seb driving.

He picked up the remote control and flicked the television on, switching it to the right channel despite the fact programming for FP1 didn’t start for another quarter of an hour. Mark pulled his phone from the pocket of his warm fluffy dressing-gown he was wearing and checked again to be sure he hadn’t missed a call, then sent a quick text.

MARK: We’re up if you want to ring. Don’t worry if you’re busy. Good luck darling.

  


It was a couple of minutes before his phone rang. Mark snatched it up again so it didn’t wake the baby.

“Hey.”

“Oh hey,” replied Seb, reading his quiet voice. “Is Teddy asleep?”

“Yeah. I brought the crib down.”

“Oh right. Liebling you know it’s really okay. You don’t have to stay up. It’s only first practice.”

“Nah I’m up. I wouldn't sleep anyway.”

Sebastian looked around the rear part of the garage where he stood. He wished Mark was with him, but he didn’t like the idea of Mark lying awake worrying.

“It’s just practice,” he repeated.

“I know.”

“I’ll be fine Liebling.”

“Yeah you will. I just prefer to watch darling, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You all set then?”

“Yep we’re good. It’s a bit grey but I don’t think we’ll get rain.”

“Good.”

“You sound sleepy,” noted Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah well FP starts at three am here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No darling it’s fine. You know he’ll want a feed in a bit anyway.”

“Okay.”

“It’s fine. Now, what’s the plan for today then?”

Sebastian leaned back against the partition wall and went through with Mark what he ought to be doing during practice so he understood what he was watching. It felt good to go over it all so Seb reminded himself anyway and Seb knew Mark asked in order to calm both of them. As the theme music started up on the television, Sebastian realised he needed to get going and excused himself.

“Love you,” reminded Mark.

“Love you too Liebling. Hug?”

“Course.”

 

After that there was only time for goodbyes and then Seb was off, back in the garage in work-mode and Mark alone in the darkness of the night, Teddy blithely sleeping on as the presenters on television perkily discussed what was coming up. Mark checked his watch, then looked to see Teddy was alright before nipping into the kitchen to quickly make a mug of tea before coming back through, the dogs now in tow. Mark was reassured to see that his son apparently hadn’t noticed his absence and on TV the cameras were still only scanning the various garages to show the drivers and teams getting ready. He pointed to the floor as he sat and the dogs settled themselves.

Mark was settling himself too. He took a sip of his tea and peered at the screen as they showed the RedBull garage. Dan appeared to be having a joke with his mechanics as he got his helmet ready. Mark wondered what they were saying seeing as you couldn't hear it on TV. The commentators were remarking on his broad grin seeming to fill the screen and Mark had to agree, though he wished the camera would pan to the other side of the garage to show Sebastian. Moments later he got his wish and Mark shifted to the edge of his seat to see Seb doing much the same as his team-mate; talking with his guys and preparing himself to climb into the car. The coverage cut away so the presenting team could round up before the cars went out on track, but Mark took comfort from seeing that Seb was plainly okay.

As the pitlane light went green the cars began to stream out and Mark unconsciously breathed ‘hey’ as Seb was shown exiting the garage to join the rest. Mark knew that it was only for an initial out-lap and even when they got going they would all just be building up, doing steady laps, a few burners to start finding the limits, running to the programme of each team. He sat back on the sofa holding his mug thinking he would be quite happy if nothing exciting happened, with Seb particularly.

  


Half an hour in Teddy woke up. Mark hurriedly scooped the baby out before he started crying and after a rapid check to be sure it wasn’t nappy-related, he took him into the kitchen to make a bottle up, trusting that he wasn’t missing anything important.

When he came back through Mark felt his heart leap as he saw that there was a car was in a barrier, but then he saw the colours and knew immediately it wasn’t Seb. He let out a calming breath and sat down, re-adjusting his hold of Teddy so he could hold the bottle properly.

“It’s not Papa darling. Papa’s fine. Papa’s fine.”

Mark puffed a breath as he looked back to the screen, feeling a little guilty he was so glad it was somebody else, then relaxing a bit as the stricken driver climbed out unhurt. The session was red-flagged so the car could be safely removed while the driver hopped on a moped to get back to his garage. As the commentary discussed how long repairs would take, Mark looked to Teddy.

“That front wing’s gone for a burton kiddo. I reckon even you could tell them that.”

Teddy simply sucked on his milk and Mark stroked over his head before rearranging the baby blanket to be sure he was warm.

“You don’t care do you sweetheart? Me neither really. Just so long as Papa’s alright.”

When the cars were allowed back out a few minutes later Mark held the baby at an angle so he could look.

“See, there’s Papa lovely, there he is. He’s just having a little drive around. Nothing to worry about.”

  


Roughly an hour later the cars were all heading back in again, thankfully without any more serious incidents. Mark switched off the TV, then picked his phone back up and sent a text.

MARK: Good stuff sweetheart. Teddy had a little watch then bugged out. Youth of today, no stamina ;)

He smiled to himself as he looked over to the baby now back in his crib asleep once more. It had felt nice to hold him as he dropped off, but Mark knew he slept better lying flat and in truth his arms had been tiring. God he was tired now. Mark looked at the time and saw it was 4.35am. No wonder he was tired. He’d need to be up again for FP2 in two hours or so. Mark closed his eyes feeling them weighed down now. Seb probably wouldn't call until just before the next session but Mark really couldn't be bothered trekking upstairs to bed only to come back down again, especially when Teddy seemed quite content where he was. Mark picked his phone back up.

MARK: Gonna grab a nap before FP2. Call me tho. xox

He pressed send then got up to dispose of the empty mug and bottle in the kitchen, shutting the dogs in there before returning and leaning down to gently kiss Teddy’s forehead. Lying down on the sofa Mark pulled a blanket from the backrest to wrap around himself and setting his head on a cushion. He closed his eyes feeling so heavy he didn’t think he could lift his head any more.

  


 

Seemingly seconds later his phone started ringing and Mark nearly fell off the sofa in a combination of shock at being abruptly woken and sleepy confusion as to where he was. As he righted himself the first coherent thought that ran though his head was to shut off the noise so the baby didn’t wake. The second was who was calling him and why.

“Mmph, Seb?”

“Liebling, are you okay? Did I wake you?”

Mark rubbed over his face.

“Um, yeah. It’s okay. What time is it?”

“Well with me it’s half one in the afternoon. You, um, hang on, erm, half six. I’m sorry Liebling you said to call.”

Mark blinked a few times, realising now that the early dawn light was creeping around the edges of the closed curtains.

“Oh god, I forgot to set an alarm,” he realised. “Damn, it’s a good job you did call.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.” Mark gave his head a little shake. “Sorry, I’m just waking up. No darling I’m very glad you called.”

“Are you in bed?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Nope. Kipped on the sofa.”

“Oh Mark.”

“It’s fine. I’ll go back to bed after this, after I watch you in FP2 I mean.”

“Okay. Is Teddy with you?”

“Course. In his crib that is.” Mark peered over and smiled. “Picks his moments to sleep longer. Normally I don’t even need an alarm.”

“No. Oh well, that’s good I guess.”

“Sure.”

“I just called to say hello really, well, just to, you know, just to check in before I start.”

Mark smiled at Seb justifying it. This was their routine. The way things were. It didn’t matter whether they were stood together, or on opposite sides of the world. If at all possible then they shared a moment before getting in the car, made sure all was well and exchanged hugs, virtual or otherwise and made sure they told the other that they loved them. It wasn’t any kind of magical protection, but it felt better to say it, no, it felt _essential_ to say it. Mark would a thousand times prefer a rude awakening than miss this.

“How are you feeling?” Mark enquired, his mind awake now.

“Yeah good.”

“Good, then you’ll be fine.”

Sebastian stood with his eyes closed. Mark’s voice sounded so calm and sure, so warm, so Mark. He soaked it in and felt strengthened by it. Sometimes Seb wondered how he had ever raced without this. He certainly knew he couldn't live without it now.

 

“I was wrong by the way,” Seb admitted.

“Hmm?”

“It’s raining.”

“Oh hell, is it?”

“Only a bit. Drizzle really. It’ll be okay. They won’t send us out if it gets any heavier. They won’t want to risk the car.”

Mark sighed. He didn’t give a damn about the car. He didn’t want to risk Seb.

“I’ll be okay,” repeated Seb.

“Sure. You’re good in the wet.”

“Thanks.”

 

Mark glanced over at their sleeping son and knew he could not ask his husband to be careful. He couldn't ask him to play things safe. He couldn't ask him to think of them. It wouldn't just be selfish, it would be dangerous to do so. He didn’t want Sebastian thinking of his loved ones as he drove into a corner on a wet track. He wanted Seb to be thinking of the precise distance before the bend he ought to apply the brakes and how hard. He wanted Seb to be thinking of the optimum angle he should turn the wheel and the half a dozen other things he needed to be doing to make the car perform as best it could in those conditions. The last thing Seb should be doing at that point was thinking of his family.

“Let’s just hope it doesn’t get any heavier then, be a shame if you missed out on your long runs,” he offered.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“See, that’s why you’re the perfect husband.”

Mark chuckled.

“That’s why?”

“Yes. Because you understand.”

“Ah. Not because I’m handsome, charming and...” Mark glanced to the baby, “other impressive attributes.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Well that too. I’m really very fond of your attributes Liebling.”

“Good to hear.”

“Seriously though, it does help that you understand.”

Mark wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

“Liebling, are you still there?”

“Yep, sorry sweetheart I’m not sure my brain is entirely with it.”

“Oh Mark you must be so tired. You can go to bed you know. It’ll be alright.”

Mark huffed air through his nose. Not a chance was he missing Seb driving, especially not in the wet.

“I’ll go to bed after,” he promised. “What time will you be back at your hotel?”

“About seven, half seven maybe.”

“So we can do a proper Facetime call then can’t we?”

“Yeah, that’ll be nice.”

“There we go then. Right, don’t you need to be somewhere?”

“Oh, yeah. Hug?”

“Absolutely.”

  


Mark spent the first half of second practise on the edge of his seat, wide awake now as he watched the cars going around the track, sending up spray in all directions. It wasn’t pouring with rain as such, but the track was very definitely wet. It was small consolation to know that they were travelling at reduced speeds in these conditions, particularly when one car after another started sliding off the track despite their drivers’ best efforts. The commentators were opining on how wider tyres might give more grip in the dry, but that didn’t help much when you were aqua-planing. Mark puffed a breath as he saw Seb appear once more, slowing right down past the scene where two cars had helplessly skidded into the side.

“C’mon, red flag surely?” he appealed to no one.

Seconds later another car span off into the gravel and the commentary was saying much the same. Then all of a sudden Mark’s attention was pulled away as Teddy commenced crying. He lifted him out of the crib and stood jigging him, torn between watching to be sure Seb was okay on the television and the fact he really ought to be seeing what his son was crying for. He sighed as he looked back to Teddy, knowing where his priority really lay. The timings were slightly out to their usual routine, but Mark looked at him, guessing what this was about.

“Nappy then bottle?”

Teddy wailed louder in answer and Mark nodded.

“Yeah. Sorry sweetheart, we’ll sort that.”

He took a few steps towards the changing mat, then over the noise of crying Mark heard the television.

“ _Well it seems someone in race control was listening. Session red-flagged. All those cars still able to do so are heading back to the pits.”_

Mark let out a sigh and sent his eyes upwards.

“Thank you.”

 

Ten minutes later he was back in the lounge with a far happier baby changed and drinking his bottle. The cars were sat in the garages as the rain fell, which to Mark’s eyes seemed to be getting heavier, not lighter.

“Don’t think Papa’s going anywhere for a while mate,” Mark informed Teddy.

He’d taken the opportunity to feed the dogs whilst in the kitchen but now it seemed they’d had their fill and two noses pushed around the door before slinking into the lounge to resume their spots on the floor by Mark’s feet.

  


In the end it was a full further half hour before the track went green again when it was judged that the rain had reduced enough and the safety car doing test laps wasn’t going through so many puddles. Mark was relieved to see that RedBull let some of the lower teams do half a dozen laps to test things before sending their drivers out. Mark sat forwards a little, sitting Teddy on his knee balanced in his arm as he watched to see Daniel then Seb go around, tentatively at first, then a little faster as the surface dried.

“Ah see, Papa’s on it now kiddo. Looks like they’ve just got twenty minutes.”

Seeing that conditions seemed much more manageable now, Mark relaxed a little, sitting back on the sofa with Teddy held so he could see the television. He smiled down to him.

“No need to worry mate, your papa’s really good at this. Look, there he is, give him a wave darling.”

Mark amused himself by moving Teddy’s hand to wave at the screen. Teddy looked up at him and Mark chuckled.

“Silly Daddy huh? Papa would like it though. Shall we send him a picture?”

Mark reached for his phone and messed about for a few minutes trying to duck in so he could take a selfie with him and the baby, finally getting a good shot to send.

MARK: Teddy’s having a nice time watching his papa. He says you’re doing great. xox

He smiled as he sent it, then set the phone down and gave the baby a kiss.

“That should cheer him up for losing time. Now then, just a bit left then we’ll see if we can’t go up for a nap.”

  


Luckily the rest of running went on without further problems, though Mark suspected the teams were being more cautious seeing as times weren’t as fast as they had been in FP1. He’d expected Teddy to drop off again, but his son sat happily in his lap, giving the impression he really was watching along with his father. Mark waited until the session was over and Seb was back in the garage before sending another text to tell him well done. He didn’t expect a reply when he knew Sebastian was unlikely to get to check his phone until they’d gone over things with the team. Mark stood up, holding Teddy to go over so he could finally draw the curtains.

“Daytime sweetheart,” he pointed out. “Your Auntie Pauline will be round at this rate.”

Mark gazed tiredly out of the window before turning around to check the time. He was surprisingly hungry. Due to the delay there wasn’t all that long until their housekeeper really would be round, so Mark decided to wait seeing as Teddy was too awake to be left in his crib. He knew she would like to see him anyway, so Mark watched the remainder of the coverage, then flicked over to see a bit of breakfast news until he heard the sound of a car on the drive.

  


A few minutes later Pauline sat holding Teddy in the kitchen, happily fussing over him while Mark made himself some breakfast and them both a cup of tea.

“I can keep him down here,” offered Pauline.

Mark shook his head from where he sat.

“Nah he’ll want a nap in a bit too I reckon. Our routine’s a bit off today.”

“Ah well, okay, but just say the word.”

“Thanks.”

“Same goes over the weekend,” Pauline continued. “You know I’m only down the road if you need a hand.”

“Thank you, that’s very kind, but I think we’ll manage.”

“Okay, well do you want me to leave off hovering?”

“Ah, yeah that might be an idea.”

“And the dogs, do you want me to walk them?”

“I’ll walk them in the afternoon thanks. I think we’ll need some fresh air by then.”

“Very good.” Pauline looked down to Teddy. “Did you enjoy watching your papa racing then?”

“He did I reckon. Sat up for most of it.”

“Well it sounds quite exciting.”

Mark huffed a laugh. Pauline's first question on arriving had been how had Seb done, but as usual he had downplayed how anxious it had made him. He finished eating his toast, half an eye on his phone in case it rang, but Mark knew he had told Seb they would be taking a nap, so he probably wasn’t wanting to wake them. Mark downed the dregs of his tea and stood to put the plate and mug in the dishwasher they’d had installed before going out to Australia.

“Leave that. I’ll sort everything out,” asserted Pauline.

Mark obeyed and put them on the counter before turning and coming to take Teddy back.

“We’ll go up then.”

“You do look tired dear.”

Mark smiled.

“Cheers.”

“Sorry.”

“No it’s alright. I’m knackered, but we’ll be right after a decent kip.” Mark looked into Teddy’s eyes. “Reckon he looks a bit more sleepy now too.”

 

Right on cue Teddy yawned, his little mouth stretching and eyes blinking as he rested down onto his father's shoulder.

“Aw, so sweet,” sighed Pauline, stroking over his head. “Yes you go up. I won’t make too much noise.”

“Thanks.” Mark looked over to the dogs sat in their baskets. “Might be worth letting them out to have a run around for a bit in the garden, get them out from under your feet.”

“Sure.”

“Oh could you do me a favour? The crib’s in the lounge, would you mind bringing it up?”

“Of course.”

Pauline followed them up, setting the crib back in its stand so Mark could put Teddy down, then gave her leave. Mark shut the door behind her and let out a long sigh. God he was tired. It might be light outside, but it didn’t much feel like morning. He pulled off the fluffy dressing-gown as he stood looking down at Teddy.

“Please sleep for a while sweetheart, Daddy’s pooped.”

He huffed a laugh at the phrase then shook his head, knowing it meant he was over-tired. He crawled into bed, only time to pull the duvet over him before he dropped off faster than the baby.

  


  


  


  


The next day they went through much the same routine again, though both Seb and Mark were relieved that the rain from the Friday had dried up. Mark thought he was used to being awake through the night, but he still found sitting up watching Seb driving during FP3 and qualifying exhausting, perhaps because of the nerves that ran through him. Teddy half-watched, half-slept through the sessions. Mark found it comforting to hold him, but he put him down as Teddy dropped off towards the end of qualifying on Saturday morning. He waited until the brief gap between Q2 and Q3, shaking his head as he tucked the blanket around the baby in his crib.

“You’re going to miss the most exciting bit,” pointed out Mark.

Teddy merely moved his head about for a moment to get comfy, then lay still, clearly more deeply asleep now.

“No? Oh well, might be best.”

Mark sat back down and gave the dogs a rub where they sat at his feet.

“Bit nervy this part isn’t it boys?”

He looked over to see all the cars lining up in the pitlane waiting for the green light to go. Mark puffed a breath, feeling his nerves jangling. Yes perhaps best Teddy skipped this bit.

  


  


It was gone one o’clock before Sebastian called on Saturday. There had been so much work to do following qualifying. Not just finishing up in the garage, but media work and the debrief before he could finally get to leave the circuit and go back to the hotel. He sent a quick text checking Mark was up and available before placing the Facetime call. As Mark accepted the call Seb’s screen revealed him sat with Teddy propped in his lap, wrapped up in his own fluffy little dressing gown that they had bought him; pale beige and complete with tiny bear ears on the hood which Mark had pulled up to keep him warm.

“Aw Teddybär!” exclaimed Sebastian happily. “Oh Liebling he looks so cute.”

Mark huffed a laughed and tickled Teddy’s bare little toes.

“He just had a bath.”

“Oh I wish I’d been there.”

“Mate you really don’t.”

“Oh?”

“We had a bit of a nappy disaster.”

“Oh I see.”

“Mm, so I decided he might as well have his bath, get cleaned up properly.”

Sebastian peered in at the baby on his screen, not really thinking about the messy nappy, but how adorable his son looked right now.

“Actually I could have done with the help,” continued Mark, half looking at Seb on his phone, half down to the baby. “Right little wriggle-bum today weren’t you kiddo?”

“I’m sorry. I really do wish I could be home between sessions.”

Mark looked to Seb properly.

“Ah I know you do sweetheart. It’s okay. I managed to hang onto him, just about anyway.”

 

He saw that Seb still looked as though he wanted to pout at missing them, so Mark omitted to mention how much of a struggle it really had felt to do this on his own. It was so much easier with another pair of hands to help hang onto the baby as well as wash him, then lift him out and wrap him in a towel to dry him before he got cold. Mark had managed, but towards the end he had laid the baby down on the bathroom mat bundled up in his towel to give himself a moment, thinking that perhaps he should have taken Pauline up on her offer to help out at the weekend.

 

“Anyway, you’re in your room then?” moved on Mark.

Sebastian angled his phone to show the hotel room.

“Yep. All done for the day.”

“Good. How was it?”

“Stuff with the team was fine.”

“Mm and the media?”

“Alright actually Liebling.”

“Oh good. Learnt their lesson have they?”

“Maybe. I dunno. I think they all know you aren’t here this weekend.”

“Mm, not asking you about it though?”

“No, they know I won’t answer.”

“Good.”

“Actually you know I could swear some of them are genuinely disappointed you’re not here.”

Mark coughed a dry laugh.

“Well they’ll have to learn to live with it. We’re not their entertainment.”

“No.”

Sebastian let out a little sigh and Mark shook his head, wondering if he’d made his point too firmly.

“Don’t worry about it sweetheart. Sounds like you’ve taught them to behave.”

“Britta too.”

“Well all to the good. Anyway, done for now.”

“Yeah. Think I’ll just get room service and an early night. I’m pretty tired.” Seb stopped. “Sorry.”

“Why?”

“Well, I shouldn’t moan about being tired when you’ve got Teddy and you’ve been up all night.”

“No darling course you’re tired. You did great today.”

“Hmm, p4.”

“P4 is great. You can do a lot from there.”

“Hopefully. Anyway thank you Liebling.”

“What for?”

Seb shrugged.

“Supporting me.”

“Course we’re supporting you. It’s fine, don’t worry about me, we had a nice long nap again this morning so we’re caught up now.”

“Oh okay, well that’s good. Have you had lunch?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“That was the plan until Teddy presented me with a nappy explosion.”

“Ah.”

“We’ll get it after this. Reckon he’ll want his lunch too, then, well, guess we’ll see. Maybe a mini-nap and then I thought we could get the running pram out and head into the village.”

“You’re going for a run?”

“Well a walk may be more accurate, but I’ll see how I feel. It’s a nice afternoon out.”

“Is it? Kind of dull here.”

“No more rain though?”

“No.”

“Good.”

Mark took in a deep breath. That was promising.

“How about tomorrow?” he enquired.

“About the same I think.”

Mark nodded. Fingers crossed then.

“And everything looking set for the race?”

“Yeah think so.”

“Good stuff. What time do you think you’ll call? An hour before seeing as it’s race day?”

“Yeah about that. Only if it’s okay?”

“Of course it’s okay. I’ll make sure I set my alarm this time. Practically a lie-in, assuming this young man sleeps that long anyway.”

Mark smiled at Teddy thinking how he was getting to the point where he appreciated how much difference it made when you could actually go back to bed after being woken in the night rather than spending it on the sofa.

“Okay, well yeah about six your time. I should be back from the drivers’ parade by then.”

“Great. There we go then. We’ll be all set.”

  


 

 

  


True to form Teddy woke Mark at twenty to six, anticipating the set alarm by a mere five minutes. Mark just had time to put a fresh nappy on him, pop Teddy in his cot for a moment so he could dash to the bathroom himself, then wrap them both up in their cosy dressing gowns to head downstairs. He made up a bottle and a mug of tea, then wedged the bottle into one of the big dressing-gown pockets before picking up his mug whilst balancing Teddy in his other arm. Mark looked at the dogs watching this performance and laughed.

“This should be a sport in itself, right boys? Baby juggling. What do I score? Eight, nine, out of ten?”

Shadow and Simba merely looked at him and Mark shook his head at himself, wondering if he was losing it talking to those who couldn't answer him back all the time.

“C’mon on then, let’s go through.”

He nodded towards the door encouraging the dogs to join them in the lounge. Then he let out a breath as they settled on the couch, setting down his tea safely before retrieving the bottle all without disturbing Teddy. That done he pulled out his phone from his other pocket to check the time: 5.55am.

“Five minutes in hand,” announced Mark to both dogs and baby, none of whom were interested. “Pretty good going I reckon. Let’s tell Papa we’re up.”

He hitched Teddy up and took another selfie of the pair of them, turning slightly so the dogs were in the back of the shot.

MARK: Vettel-Webbers all in position at home, fuelling up, engines revving, good to go. ;)

  


Sebastian looked at his phone as he walked along with Britta back to the RedBull base ready to change into his race-suit before returning to the garage. He smiled at the picture, then sent a quick reply, relying on Britta to make sure he wasn’t about to walk into anything or anybody while he wasn’t looking where he was going.

SEB: Looking good. Fluffy family Vettel-Webber. :) Just gotta change then I’ll call. Ten mins x

  


Mark read the message and huffed a laugh.

“Typical, we’re early now. Ah well. Right mate, nice bottle for your brekkie.”

He stole a quick sip of his tea, then picked up the bottle, lowering Teddy into the crook of his arm to feed him before Sebastian called.

  


In the end it was quarter of an hour before the phone on the coffee table lit up with a call. Mark still had Teddy lying into his shoulder as he winded him, but he managed to shuffle forwards to pick up the phone and answer it.

“Hey sweetheart.”

“Hey. Sorry I needed to have a quick word with Christian.”

“No problem. Everything okay?”

“Yeah just you know, race stuff.”

“Ah that. Well don’t worry. Gave me chance to finish feeding Teddy. I’m just winding him.”

“Oh right, okay.”

“You want to Facetime?” checked Mark.

“Oh no it’s okay. You’ve got your hands full.”

“Literally,” agreed Mark as he wedged the phone between ear and shoulder to free his hands to continue winding the baby. “Yeah okay. So, how’s it looking then?”

 

They went through the usual chat, Seb leaning against the wall, his eyes closed again as his mind did the work of providing the image of his husband and son at home. He pictured them as they were in the photograph Mark had sent. He so badly wanted to cuddle into that fluffy mass, to bury his face into Mark’s free shoulder and fit his arms around the pair of them. When Mark suggested they do their virtual hug Sebastian did all he could to include their son in it, convincing his brain he could feel the baby snuggled between them, not leaning in too much so Teddy wasn’t squashed. It felt so nice.

Mark heard the sigh over the phone and opened his own eyes.

“You alright?”

“Yep.”

Seb blinked and looked out at the reality of the back of the garage, piles of tyres, stacked equipment and banks of technology linking everything back to the factory in Milton Keynes.

“I think I’ll be home for about eleven, half eleven,” he predicted.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Minor matter of a race to run in the meantime.”

“Yeah, but you know.”

“Sure. Well we should be able to speak after the race shouldn’t we?”

“Course. I don’t know when.”

“Whenever. Now, you ready?”

“Yep.”

“Good. Go get’em darling, you’ve got a great chance today.”

Sebastian smiled and stood a little taller.

“Thanks. Okay, I need to go. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Give Teddy a kiss for me.”

Mark turned his head and gave Teddy a peck of a kiss on his nose.

“Done. Don’t forget to give us a wave if you get chance.”

“Will do. Bye then Liebling.”

“Bye darling.”

  


They hung up, Seb to go through to do his final preparations before getting into the car, Mark to check Teddy was sufficiently winded before lowering him down and putting a cushion under his arm so it didn’t wear out. He managed to pick up his mug of tea, then nearly spat it out.

“Urgh, cold.”

Mark sighed, then unsettled them all again to balance the bottle on top of the mug to dump in the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water instead from the fridge and returning to the lounge.

“Try again shall we?” he asked Teddy as he fitted the cushion back into position.

On the television they were still showing VT’s to fill the time before the cars set off for the grid, so Mark took the time to answer a few other texts from family and friends while Teddy was happy. It was better to keep busy. That way the time went quicker.

  


Soon enough Seb was being waved out of the garage, doing his out-lap to reach the grid, then being rolled into place by the team. He had a chat with those around his car, then saw DC approaching with his cameraman. Normally Sebastian tended to avoid the prowling grid-walkers these days as he didn’t want distracting so close to the race, but today he gave David a smile, encouraging him to come over.

“Seb, looking good for today?” began David as he got close.

“Nice of you to say so,” joked Sebastian.

David laughed obligingly.

“Think you can do something from fourth on the grid then?”

“I certainly hope so. I mean I’ll certainly be doing something.”

“Indeed.”

“Going forwards with any luck.”

“You’re aiming to overtake your team-mate at the start then?”

“I’d quite like to overtake everyone given the opportunity, but I’ll see how I go.”

“I look forward to seeing it,” smiled DC.

“Me too.”

David huffed a laugh.

“So...”

He stopped, about to make a comment about who might be watching Seb from home today seeing as they knew he didn’t have supporters in the garage for this race, but David knew that Sebastian had point blank refused to be drawn into any kind of comment on that this weekend. Not that the media hadn’t tried. Seb was implacable though. David had heard the jokes in the media centre about the brick wall Sebastian presented on personal issues these days, but he knew why that was and David neither wanted to get on the wrong side of him, nor upset Seb right before the start of the race. So instead he glanced up at the sky as if he’d been meaning to do that all along.

“… think there’s much chance of Friday’s rain reappearing today then?” asked David.

“I hope not.”

“Might make for an interesting race.”

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head, so David took his cue to push on, but before the camera panned around looking for a new subject to grab, Sebastian smiled directly to the lens and waved, mouthing ‘Hello Lieblings.’

David was too busy searching for someone to talk with to notice, but back home Mark saw it and waved back.

  


“Hey sweetheart,” he replied softly, then looked to Teddy and quickly got him to wave before the coverage swerved to show David avoiding being run over by a late arriving car as it was rolled into place.

Mark sighed and looked to Teddy.

“Papa was saying hello darling. Did you see him?”

Shadow barked so Mark quickly put his hands over Teddy’s ears before looking to him.

“No Shadow. _Sit_.”

Shadow quieted and reluctantly lowered back onto the carpet, but both dogs were looking at the screen and as Mark looked where they were he saw that the coverage was showing Seb once more as he walked away towards a gap in the pitlane wall.

“Ah,” relented Mark. “Yeah fair enough. There’s Papa again.”

Teddy blinked, seeming to look at the screen, so Mark tipped his head around so he could see him.

“Papa’s just going for, um, a comfort break. He’ll be back in a sec and then it’s go go go kiddo.”

  


Within a brief few minutes the cars were off on their formation lap before lining up on a cleared grid once more. Mark leaned in to kiss the top of his son’s head, not taking his eyes off the screen. As ever he had to fight the urge to close them, but he couldn't do that. He had to watch, had to see that Seb was okay. Anything better than okay was a bonus.

Five lights on, five lights out.

Mark made sure the baby was resting into the opposite side of his chest to where his heart pounded.

  
  


It took Teddy beginning to make burbling noises that increased in urgency and apparent discontent, followed by the baby starting to move about in his arms, for Mark to tear his eyes away from watching Seb safely negotiate the first lap of the race. He looked down at him.

“Sorry sweetheart. Right, oopsa-daisy.”

He lifted the baby up at the same time as standing, his eyes going automatically back to the television to see that Sebastian had been squeezed out at the next corner and slipped to fifth place. Mark sighed under his breath, then looked back to his son as he resumed walking over to where the changing mat was set up on the floor over to the side. He lay the baby down and began wrestling with him to undo his babygro.

“Sweetheart c’mon now, you’re just making it harder.”

Unfortunately Teddy continued to waggle his legs, paying no heed to his father who pulled his hands away for a second to see if he would stop, then tried again. Mark attempted stealing the occasional look back to check what was going on in the race, but Teddy really wasn’t co-operating so he gave that up and concentrated on the task in hand to undress, remove his nappy, clean him up, get a new nappy on him by fighting to grab both Teddy’s ankles to lift him up, then finally managing to redress him without requiring a whole new outfit change. That done Mark huffed out a heavy breath and shook his head as Teddy finally stilled and lay still looking up at him.

“Mate, you know it’d be a whole lot easier if we could switch this around; this bit first, then the wriggling.”

He leaned in over him, trying to look serious, but the baby reached up a hand towards his face and smiled. Mark sighed, completely failing to stop himself smiling back.

“Ach, that’s not fair buddy. You know I’m a sucker for that smile. How am I meant to be a strict daddy huh? How am I meant to do that when you do this sneaky boy?”

Mark tickled Teddy’s tummy and smiled again as he gurgled happily.

“Yeah, funny isn’t it? Poor Daddy. Just winding me up eh?”

He huffed a laugh and picked his son up, kissing his forehead as Teddy leaned into his shoulder. Mark managed to stand from his kneeling position, reflecting that this was easier with the proper changing table in the nursery. He went to sit back down on the sofa, settling back and lowering Teddy into his arms before eventually looking to see what was going on.

“Ah damn,” Mark breathed.

He sighed, peering in a little closer as he tried to see why Sebastian might now be registering in sixth place. Damnit. Mark realised he had been so caught up in what he was doing that he hadn’t even heard the commentary which surely must have mentioned it. He frowned at the screen as he tried to see where Seb was on track and who had got past. It still wasn’t immediately apparent so all Mark could do was sit back and sigh again, accepting that it was just racing and that was how it went sometimes.

“Long way to go,” he assured Teddy.

  


  


Sebastian knew exactly what had gone wrong. Having been squeezed out a couple of corners earlier had pushed to retake the position, only to allow himself to get frustrated when he couldn’t get by, overdid the following bend and went wide as a result. Thus he not only failed to get one place back, but lost another to the Williams car behind him. He could kick himself, but as the preternaturally calm voice of his engineer came over the radio, Sebastian was reminded that there was plenty of time to pull things back. What his engineer didn’t say was that if he carried on acting that way then he could just as quickly end his race altogether. Seb didn’t need telling that. He knew. So as he passed the pit-straight once more he put his foot down and as the car stretched out beneath him, Seb took that brief moment to give himself a quick talking to. Sometimes you had to play the long game, be strategic and remember that the running order on lap 23 meant nothing, only where you finished the race counted.

The corner came up fast and Sebastian was back to judging braking points and exit angles and making his adjustments on the wheel as he went on.

Long way to go.

  


  


It took a while for Sebastian to get into position where he could attempt to regain at least one spot. As Seb focussed all his efforts on achieving that, Mark sat at home, puffing out the occasional nervous breath as he could see what his husband was surely about to try and what risks it entailed. He kept Teddy held on his left side, a cushion taking the baby’s weight. Mark could feel his heart pounding away and he didn’t want to transfer any anxiety to his son.

Sparing a glance to the side it occurred to Mark that he hadn’t brought the crib down this morning as he had for the previous sessions. He’d been thinking of the race as a shorter event and certainly they hadn’t had to sit up all night as before, but Teddy was beginning to look a little sleepy. Whilst the television coverage cut to show a tussle at the back of the field Mark looked down to his son whose eyes were drooping.

“This not exciting enough for you kiddo?”

Teddy seemed to force his eyes open to look at his father as he spoke to him, but Mark could tell he was tired.

“You just have a sleep sweetheart. I’ll watch Papa, you don’t need to worry.”

Yet more time passed as Seb tried to nose ahead here or get by under DRS there, but still to no avail. Teddy had fallen asleep, but Mark watched avidly on, trying not to think about what could go wrong, but to will him on instead as he knew he should. Mark knew Seb had to keep trying. He held his breath as on his third attempt the RedBull car finally swung out to the left on the straight and with the DRS open and all the stored energy released, Sebastian rocketed forwards and succeeded in cutting back in ahead so he could take the corner and cement his regained fifth place.

Mark sighed out in relief, then nodded to the screen seeing as his hands weren’t free to clap and leaping out of his seat was definitely out of the question.

“Well done darling.” He looked down to Teddy. “You missed it sweetheart. Papa made the overtake. Ah well, we’re recording it. Maybe we’ll watch it back when he’s home. That’ll be nice won’t it?”

  


On the radio Sebastian was being informed in coded terms that the team had been working on a revised strategy. There was a time-delay to this being broadcast, but Mark could gather at least roughly what Seb was now processing: They were going to try leaving him out longer on these tyres before pitting, then attempt to jump the car ahead. It meant pushing things in terms of the life of the tyres though and Mark felt his anxiety building with every extra lap. Every time Seb came around he was convinced that surely they had to call him in this time, but no, on Seb went, another lap, stretching things out further. Mark sucked in air through his teeth. There was only so far you could do this without going literally too far. Any second now the tyres could give up altogether.

Lap-times were plainly decreasing and now Sebastian felt himself slipping back into the clutches of the Williams car behind he had spent so long trying to overtake. He tried to keep his speed from falling too low, but it was difficult when he could feel the back end going away as he turned into corners now. Oversteer was easy to diagnose, but almost impossible to correct when the main thing you need to do that was grip – the very thing he lacked. After this had happened on yet another corner Sebastian made a call back on the radio, trying not to sound as worried as he felt.

“We close yet?” he checked.

“Next lap.”

“Right.”

Okay, he could hang on just a little bit longer. Just keep it on the black stuff like Mark always said. He just needed to concentrate to make sure he didn’t take any risks. At least not any more that than he was already.

  


As he finally pulled into the slip-lane leading to the pits Seb puffed out a silent breath of relief, but it was nothing to the one Mark let out. With each passing minute Mark had been getting increasingly anxious that any moment a tyre would blow and Sebastian would crash. It felt like a miracle he had made it safely in now, but then as the team leapt into action to change the tyres Mark grimaced as the rear left wheel-gun appeared to have a problem and the poor mechanic had to pull it off before trying once again to fit the essential nut to hold the wheel in place.

For Sebastian in the car it seemed an eternity as he sat waiting for the go light in front of him, but in his rear mirror he could just about see that one corner of his car did not have the raised hand signalling ‘good to go’ as the rest did. Looking back to the signal light ahead he reminded himself to stay calm, that it was mere seconds elapsing, not the minutes it felt like before he could finally put his foot down to speed back out to rejoin the race.

  


The little timer clock in the corner of the screen had speed agonisingly up past the standard 2.5 to 3 seconds, on all the way to 14.1 as Mark watched.

“Damn, damn,” he complained under his breath.

All that work Seb had done to fight for the overtake, then stretching out his stint on worn out tyres, and now it was thrown away. Both Seb and Mark knew it was probably nobody’s fault. Sometimes there was a marginal fault on a wheel-nut, sometimes the wheel-gun itself had an issue. As Mark sighed to himself he reflected that the guy on that wheel would doubtless be feeling far worse right now. These things happened in races. They had happened to Mark enough times for him to know that no good came of dwelling on it. All Seb could do was try to make the most of the position he was now in.

  


Out on track Sebastian was too busy to worry about what had gone wrong. Now that his pitstop had gone awry the carefully planned gap he should have come back out into was long gone and he was in the middle of a pack of back-markers. There was no option but to get past them as quickly possible. Seb knew that though he considered them as running further back, actually most of them were on the same lap and therefore wouldn’t be shown blue flags to instruct them to jump out of the way. He had to do this for himself. The one consolation was that he knew he had a better, more powerful car and in theory he ought to be able to make short work of them.

Of course it wasn’t quite that simple. Sebastian had to use all his racing skill to line up each pass where he could without incurring too much jeopardy. Surprisingly one or two of the cars seemed to actually move out of his way of their own accord, causing Seb to frown inside his helmet, but as he went on it occurred to him that they must have assumed that he was lapping them despite the lack of flag telling them. Sometimes it wasn’t such a bad thing to have a reputation.

  


Back home Mark huffed a laugh as he realised the same thing. He shook his head and looked to his sleeping son.

“We count them as a bonus.”

Seeing as Teddy showed no interest in waking, Mark gave his attention back to the screen, watching Seb make another overtake, this time down the straight, boosted by DRS, but still needing to position himself correctly and make his move at the right moment. The commentators were clearly enjoying the show, but Mark wished Seb didn’t have to make up for the lost time this way. Glancing back to the baby he shook his head.

“Honestly, I’m not sure whether you’re missing out or it’s best you’re not watching right now.”

Mark puffed out a calming breath as Sebastian tried nosing up the inside of another car and barely squeaked through a corner without the pair of them coming a cropper.

“Blimey. Your papa’s a good driver matey, but he doesn’t half give me palpitations sometimes.”

Mark smiled and let out a little laugh as the commentary tried to work out how many passes Seb had made since his botched pitstop.

“Good for the show,” opined one voice.

“I’m fairly sure Seb would rather have just come out ahead,” noted the other dryly.

Mark coughed another laugh. That was none other than DC talking.

“Darn right mate,” concurred Mark.

  


Six thousand miles away Sebastian had already moved on, both literally and metaphorically. Now he had passed that group he considered himself back where he ought to be. Ahead lay the Williams in fifth that he had battled to get past earlier, but his engineer advised him that he was on older tyres whereas Seb’s were still relatively new. Seb knew that there was an extent to which he had got lucky in passing those he needed to relatively quickly. He had felt the urgency to do so, not just to counter his annoyance at the mishap, but because Sebastian knew if he spent too much time in the wake of other cars, the heat thrown back by cars’ exhausts would destroy those new tyres he had held out for. Now he just had to bag the next target.

  


Squinting at the screen Mark fought the urge to close his eyes as Seb lined up the car ahead and floored the throttle at the same time as releasing his ERS with the DRS open. He knew Seb was using everything in his arsenal to get by and there were many who thought using these tools made overtaking easy, but until it was done Mark felt his nerves jangling once again.

“Whoof.”

As he pushed out that relieved breath, Teddy opened his eyes and Mark looked down to him.

“Oops, sorry mate. didn’t mean to wake you.”

The baby blinked up at him so Mark gave him a reassuring smile.

“Nowt to worry about. Papa’s back where he was and everything’s fine.”

He angled his son slightly so he could look at the screen which was back to showing the front runners.

“See, not even showing him, which in this case is a good thing buddy. It means Papa is just going around safely. He’s just doing his thing.”

  


Sadly for Sebastian that was to be the last of his relatively easy passes. Although he spent lap after lap pushing on his new tyres, the car in fourth was still out of sight. When he spoke on the radio to the team, Seb absorbed the subtle hints advising him to keep pushing, but to save his fire for the end of the race. To this end he tried to drive as smoothly as possible, making sure he didn’t take too much life out of his tyres or burn up too much fuel. It required more work and more concentration than was obvious to most viewers at home, but in his head Seb was keeping hold of the goal. He’d strung out that previous stint to give himself not just the chance to undercut the car ahead, but to make sure he was on fresher tyres towards the end.

As that end now came closer Seb finally began to ramp things up, pressing harder, cutting things just a little finer. Ten laps to go. It was getting to now or never time. That car in fourth was coming into view and to his surprise Sebastian saw that it was not the Ferrari he had been expecting, but a Mercedes. _Huh,_ he thought, _something’s gone wrong there._ Sparing a rapid glance to one of the big screens lining the track Sebastian saw from the helmet that it was Bottas. There was no time to muse over what had befallen him to drop into this position, but as Seb got closer it became obvious: Part of the lower rear wing was missing, surely knocked off. He guessed that an attempted overtake had gone wrong somehow and the Finn had been clipped.

Not that he really cared. All Seb cared about was that he could tell it was affecting his aerodynamics and thus slowing him down, As the radio came on with Christian’s voice encouraging him to make the most of it, Seb did just that, up the inside and away.

“Great stuff Seb. Keep pushing!”

  


Mark smiled and amused himself by holding Teddy’s little hands to make them clap.

“Well done Papa!”

The baby merely gurgled, but Mark convinced himself it was in approval. He dipped his head down to look at his son, continuing to hold him up a little so he could see.

“Isn’t he good darling? Yeah. Big kiss for Papa when he gets home.” Mark added under his breath. “Even if he does send me grey.”

He gently kissed the top of the baby’s head, then went back to watching to see how that last part of the race played out. Mark wondered if it was wrong that holding the baby comforted him when he ought to the one comforting his son, but then Teddy surely had no real concept of what was going on. To him he was merely being held by his father on the sofa at home, safe and warm, the dogs piled below as usual. The only thing missing was his papa being there as well and Mark didn’t think it likely he could understand it was him they were watching, even if Mark was giving him regular updates, whether the baby was listening or not.

  


  


“Sebastian the Williams in front is compromised. Push hard now. We can pass him.”

There was no need for any clarification on this message from his engineer so Seb merely acknowledged the call and threw caution to the wind. There were barely five laps left now. If he wasted this opportunity Seb knew he would be kicking himself and the team would be none too impressed either. Push, push. Soon a white rear wing was in view, getting closer, right ahead of him now. The main straight was coming up, so Sebastian made certain he was well within the one second gap to be granted DRS, then waited, knowing there was no point doing anything unnecessary. He just had to line it up, guess which side to dive to and see if the driver corrected one way, then if need be, Seb would weave the other way before accelerating as hard as he could.

  


Mark’s heart pounded once more as he watched Seb go left, no right, then on, on, out ahead and away. The shot on screen cut to show the RedBull garage applauding and a part of Mark wished he was there joining in with them. Instead he helped Teddy pat his little hands together once more.

“Bravo Papa.” Mark leaned over to look at his son. “Third place. _Third_. Amazing, right sweetheart?”

He let out a sigh of relief, knowing Seb still had to hold on until the very end, but that Williams front wing had a chunk cropped off the corner and you could see it visibly vibrating. Mark knew that had to be doing horrible things to the driveability of the car, but to pit now would cost them more time to replace it. All they could do was press on to the end, but Mark was fairly sure they weren’t a threat to Sebastian.

It seemed that FOM thought the same as they went back to covering the front of the race as they got nearer to the chequered flag being waved. Mark reminded himself that if Seb wasn’t being shown then that was a good thing and sat back a little, counting down towards the end now.

  


Sebastian allowed himself a smile as he crossed the finish line. If he was entirely honest, when he had come out back on track after the pitstop hold up he hadn’t really thought this possible, but here he was, third place, giving the mechanics a wave as they leaned through the pit-wall gap to cheer him. Dan too seeing as he had bagged second once again. Sebastian thought that despite losing out in the team-mate stakes again surely even Dr Marko couldn't fault him for not trying hard enough in this race.

As he slowed through the in-lap Sebastian could feel the adrenaline thrumming though him that he hadn’t appreciated whilst the race was in progress. He took some slower breaths to steady himself, already preparing himself to bring the car into Parc Fermé, to share a moment with the gathered team to thank them, then go through all the post-race procedures before heading out onto podium. The podium. Wow. He really hadn’t expected that half an hour ago.

  


Mark sat back feeling all that anxiety float away to be replaced by a combination of relief and pride. He watched Seb climb out of the car and felt sad that he couldn't be there to give him the hug he deserved. Mark guessed that Seb had to be thinking the same. He wondered if a part of him actually hoped Seb would be missing him, then wondered again if that was selfish. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he’d had a good race.

“And soon lovely, Papa will be back home with us,” Mark informed his son.

Teddy made some little gurgles in response, then dribbled down his chin, so Mark forgot everything else as he fished for a tissue in his pocket to wipe him dry.

“Messy,” he teased. “Are you getting all excited sweetheart?”

Mark looked back up to see Seb in the podium ante-room and ditched the damp tissue to the side before giving him a wave. Moments later Sebastian waved to the camera he had noticed pointed in his direction as he chatted to Lewis and Mark laughed.

“See kiddo, he knows we’re watching.”

He found his phone to send a quick congratulations, then while the podium ceremony was taking place Mark held one of Teddy’s arms up as he held him, ducking in to show Seb they were cheering. He checked the photo, then added a message before sending it.

MARK: Teddy says hurray & so do I. w U darling. Can’t wait until you’re home. XOX

  


Sebastian didn’t get to read his messages until he was back off the podium, meeting Britta and getting ready to walk to the media pen. As he replaced his Pirelli cap with a RedBull one, Britta produced his phone.

“Thought you’d want this.”

“Oh thanks. Brilliant. Cheers Britta.”

He saw a couple from his brother amongst others and Seb reminded himself to call them, but first he wanted to snatch a quick call to Mark. Seb almost didn’t open the messages themselves from him, but then he did and was glad of it as he saw the adorable picture of his family cheering him on.

“Ach look,” he smiled, putting it under Britta's nose so she could see.

Britta laughed and shook her head.

“Come on, we need to get to the press conference then the pen.”

“Yep, sure.”

But Seb was already dialling.

  


Only a couple of minutes later Britta was stood with him by the doorway into where the written press conference was already full of waiting journalists. She got in Seb’s eyeline and tapped her watch.

“Oh Liebling I’m sorry, I’ve got to go,” apologised Sebastian.

“That’s okay. You there now?”

“Yep.”

“Right well we’ll talk later. Well done again darling.”

“Thank you. Love you.”

“Love you too. Can’t wait until I can give you a proper congratulations in person.”

“Ha, that sounds promising.”

Britta raised an eyebrow and Seb laughed.

“Um, gotta go, sorry.”

“You wanna say bye to Teddy?”

“Of course.”

Mark moved the phone to place it by their son’s ear.

“Bye Teddybär, love you. I’ll be home soon. Thank you for supporting me.”

Britta hid a sigh, restraining herself from asking if this couldn't wait. Perhaps it couldn't? It ought to mean Seb was in a good mood for the press at least and that couldn't hurt, though keeping them waiting much longer wouldn't be so good. Sebastian was just saying a final goodbye to Mark and promising to call him back soon before he hung up. She said nothing, Britta merely held out her hand to take the phone. Seb bit his lip as he did so, feeling like a naughty schoolboy having his phone confiscated. Perhaps if he was good for the media she’d give it back to him?

  


It felt nice to have a decent result to talk about and all the media seemed to have forgotten their attempts to enquire about where his family were this weekend as they delved into Sebastian’s thoughts on the race; how he had survived going so long on his tyres and what he thought of them, the problem in the pits and how that had affected his race and whether he had enjoyed the number of overtakes he had needed to do as a consequence.

“To be honest at the time I guess there’s a certain satisfaction to getting it done, but really you don’t have much time to think about that.”

“And presumably you’d rather not have been put in that position?”

“Well of course you never wish for problems.”

“Do you know exactly what happened with that pitstop?”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“Not really. I’m sure they’re looking at it to try to make sure it can’t reoccur.”

“What are your feelings on it?”

Seb frowned a little.

“My feelings?”

“Do you blame the team for nearly throwing your race after the mistake they made with your strategy at the last race?”

Seb pulled a face.

“It’s just racing. I made a mistake early on today and the team did everything they could to help me make up for it. We’re in it together. My guess is just a fault with the nut or something like that.”

“You don’t think it was anyone’s fault then?”

“Course not. The pitcrews work like crazy to get things right and nobody feels it more than them if there’s an issue. I guarantee you they were analysing it the moment it was over.”

“You’ll talk to them about it?”

“Of course. They’re my guys. I mean the mix is from both our crews, Dan’s and mine that is, but we’re all one team.”

“Good to hear. So is that what you’ll be doing after this then?”

Seb gave the reporter and those grouped around him a little smile. First he was going to get a shower, then call Mark back, then his brother and the rest of his family, then the debrief, maybe a few more media duties with Britta, _then_ he’d finally get to go down to the garage to finish up, and after that, home as fast as he could possibly manage it.

“Sure,” he replied, “a few other things too, but yeah I’ll get to have a chat with them. It’s all good.”

  


  


Ten minutes later Seb was in his room dressed in his normal team kit after a much needed shower. Towelling his hair dry he sat on the bed and found his phone to send his brother a text thanking him and promising to call him shortly, then placed a Facetime call home so he could see Mark and Teddy for real rather than just in a photograph. Mark told him that Teddy had slept through half the race, but he seemed wide awake now, pawing at the screen and making Seb laugh with his little murmurs and gurgles that Mark insisted were congratulations and asking when his papa would be home.

“As soon as I can Lieblings I promise.”

“Have you got a lot of follow-up?” asked Mark as he hitched the baby up a little and held the phone higher so they could talk properly.

“I’m not sure. A bit I think. I’ll get away as soon as I can.”

“That’s alright, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. Back before midnight you reckon?”

“I hope so. Some time after eleven with any luck. I’ll ring and let you know unless you’re going back to bed?”

“Ah no I think we’re up for second breakfast now.”

“What time is it?”

“Gone nine.”

Seb huffed a little laugh. It didn’t matter how many times they went through this, it always felt strange that your loved ones were operating on such a different time than yourself.

“Okay well I guess I’d better get on,” he allowed.

“Sure. Right, well done again darling. Say hi to the guys for us.”

“Will do.”

“Say bye to Seb boys,” instructed Mark, turning his phone so the dogs were in shot. They obligingly sat up and barked, making them both laugh. Then Mark attempted to get Teddy to say goodbye, managing to wave his hand as Seb waved back before saying a final goodbye to all of them and forcing himself to end the call.

 

Sebastian sat back on the bed with a mournful sigh. It was always so hard to cut off contact with those he loved. They felt so very far away. He indulged himself for a moment by looking at the photo Mark had sent of them celebrating his result. Reaching to touch the screen Seb stroked over Teddy’s round cheek and pouted, thinking how removed from the real thing it was. He took a deep breath and shook it off knowing he was moping. The longer he spent doing this, the more he delayed everything else and most importantly, the later he would get back to those he missed.

Standing up again Sebastian found his hoody to pull on, then dialled his parents’ home phone number, deciding to walk and talk to save time. The sooner he could get everything done the sooner he would be out of here.

  


  


  


In the end it was many long hours before Sebastian finally pulled up on the drive. It was dark and he couldn't see any lights on, but then it was half past eleven. Despite doing all he could not to waste time, there had been too much to go through to make any kind of early exit from the circuit in Shanghai. When they had spoken as he was driven to the airport, Seb had told Mark not to wait up for him seeing as with a ten hour flight there was always a chance for extra delays. He knew Mark must have had precious little sleep over the past few days. Seb himself had tried to sleep on the journey home. It wasn’t the same on his own, but he’d managed to doze on and off. He still felt tired though as he lugged his bags inside to dump in the hallway.

The dogs came rushing out to greet him and Sebastian knelt on the floor giving them a rub and appreciating their affection. There was no sign of anyone else though, so Sebastian took them through to the kitchen to make sure they were well supplied with food and drink, then said goodnight and went back to take his things upstairs, pausing to use the bathroom before going to his bedroom door. Despite telling Mark he should get some sleep, Seb had half expected him to be up and he kept anticipating hearing a creak of floorboard as Mark came to find him, but as he stood with his hand on the door-handle there was only silence.

Walking into the room, Sebastian carefully placed his bags to the side where they wouldn't fall over them, then stood to survey the scene. The bedside light was on, the low light gently illuminating the room. Teddy lay asleep in his crib beside the bed, his little mouth open as he breathed. Sebastian went over, listening to the steady sound and smiling at how peaceful their son appeared. Mark lay just as asleep in bed, turned on his side facing the baby as if watching over him even as he slept.

Sebastian stood entranced for a moment, feeling the oddest sensation that he was looking at a photograph once more. He couldn't stop himself reaching down to stroke his son’s baby-soft cheek to be sure it was real. Seb sighed at how soft it felt and how much he had missed him. The baby snuffled a little, moving his head and Seb snatched his hand away, not wanting to disturb him, but those blue eyes suddenly opened.

“Ach I’m sorry Liebling,” whispered Sebastian. “I just missed you. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Teddy seemed to frown, then fought to pull his arms from under the blacked tucked around him so Seb decided he had better pick him up before he cried and woke Mark as well. He lifted him carefully out and held him high enough so their faces were close by.

“Shh Kleiner, yes Papa’s home. Don’t wake Daddy. Oh I have missed you so much, so much.”

Lowering his head Seb gave Teddy a kiss, then stood hushing him, feeling guilty he had woken his son up. Thankfully the baby stayed quiet, so Sebastian relaxed enough to perch on the edge of the bed.

“Are you hungry Kleiner? Is that it?”

“He had a bottle less than an hour ago.”

 

Sebastian nearly jumped at the voice. He turned and saw Mark now sat up in bed, running a hand through his hair as he woke himself up more. Mark took in a deep breath to feed oxygen to his brain. The mattress dipping beside him had been enough to nudge him awake when he was already anticipating Seb coming home. He’d stayed up as long as possible, but after giving Teddy his late bottle at eleven Mark had lost the battle to stay awake along with his son and both of them had dropped off as soon as they were in their beds. Mark shuffled up to sit beside Seb, giving him a smile and a kiss on the cheek.

“Welcome home darling.”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Thanks. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you both up.”

“Nah. No worries. Only been down a while.”

Mark indicated over to the empty bottle sat on the bedside table and Seb nodded.

“The pilot said the wind was against us a bit, so it took a little longer,” he explained.

“Ah. Well never mind. Home now.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian let out a sigh, looking down to the baby, then back to Mark. “Ah I’m so glad to be home Liebling.”

“Me too. Glad you’re home that is.” Mark huffed a little laugh. “I think I’m still half-asleep.”

“Sorry.”

“No no.”

“I just couldn't resist.”

“Hmm?”

“I stroked his cheek. I didn’t meant to wake him.”

“Oh.” Mark huffed a little laugh and put his arm around Seb looking at Teddy in his arms. “Never mind. None the worse for it is he?”

They could see Teddy’s eyes were drooping closed again and Seb felt a little better to see he wasn’t upset to have been woken. Watching the way Seb gazed down at the baby Mark felt bad for him and gave him a little squeeze. Poor Seb. It had nearly been too much for Mark to bear being parted for their son for a couple of hours while his mother looked after him at the last race. Mark had no idea how he would cope being away for several days like Seb.

“I just missed him so much,” whispered Seb.

“I know.”

“Both of you.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, that’s okay. I missed you too darling, very much.”

They looked at one another, then down again.

“He’s asleep,” noted Mark.

Sebastian nodded and moved to carefully put down the baby, making sure he didn’t wake him again as he slowly pulled his hand out from under Teddy’s head to leave him lying flat in his crib before rearranging the blanket. He stood looking down for another moment, then sat back down on the bed beside Mark.

“See, fast asleep again,” observed Mark.

“Yeah.”

“You tired?”

Seb gave him a half-smile.

“I shouldn’t be. I napped on the plane.”

“But?”

“Yeah I am kinda.”

“Ah well that’s alright. We don’t need to do anything tomorrow.”

“Good.”

“Teddy might even grant us a lie-in, you never know.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Miracles do happen.”

 

Mark nodded. The odds might be against it, but they’d had more than a few miracles granted in their time. Giving Seb a smile, Mark was about to say they should get some sleep themselves, but he was distracted too much by the smile Seb gave him in reply, so instead he leaned in and brushed his nose slowly against Seb’s, first one way, then the other. They could each feel their warm breath, the touch of skin on skin, such gentle sensations, utterly irreplaceable by technology or imagination whilst apart.

Sebastian could see the tease in Mark’s eyes as he brushed his long nose past his once more and he nearly laughed, but instead he gave in to a stronger temptation once more and pressed in to capture Mark’s mouth in a kiss. Mark certainly wasn’t about to resist either. He slipped his arms around Seb and they both forgot their tiredness as they lost themselves to it. Sebastian closed his eyes thinking how he had longed for this too; Mark holding him close and kissing him deeply until they ran out of breath.

 

As they pulled apart Sebastian finally let out that little laugh.

“I’m really _very_ glad to be home Liebling.”

Mark laughed back.

“Me too sweetheart. I mean if I wasn’t so knackered...”

Sebastian shook his head and looked pointedly to their baby sleeping close by.

“Ah well that too,” Mark conceded.

“It’s a nice idea, but actually Liebling I am pretty tired.”

“Yeah.”

  


Sebastian leaned his head against Mark’s and they sat for a minute just gazing over at their sleeping son, appreciating the fact that they were together as they should be. It was a moment of peace and stillness all too rare in their lives. Mere days from now Seb would be off again and Mark would be left alone at home with the baby, but neither of them wanted to think about that right now. Mark turned his head and kissed Sebastian’s cheek.

“Come to bed darling.”

Seb gave him a soft smile.

“You don’t have to ask me twice Liebling.”

 

Mark chuckled and let go of him so he could help Seb peel off hoody and jeans to crawl into bed with him, no energy or inclination to spend time finding pyjamas right now. They curled up together, Seb resting his head on Mark’s shoulder facing in to him with their arms wrapped around to keep each other close. As Sebastian cuddled in Mark kissed his forehead and whispered to him.

“Virtual hugs are nice darling, but they’re not a patch on this.”

“No,” concurred Seb.

He kissed Mark’s collarbone through his t-shirt, then looked up at him.

“You know Liebling maybe Teddy might have a little nap in the nursery tomorrow afternoon?”

Mark smiled.

“That sounds an excellent idea darling.”

“Or Tuesday.”

“Mmm.”

Seb closed his eyes as he enjoyed the sensation of Mark slipping his hand under Seb’s t-shirt and smoothing over his side as Seb lay into Mark soaking up the comforting feeling of him breathing in time. It made him so happy Seb genuinely thought he could purr like a cat, though he suspected Mark would never stop laughing if he did. Instead he simply rubbed his cheek into Mark, then looked up at him.

“Liebling.”

“Mm.”

“You know what I’d really like if Teddy will have a nap in his cot tomorrow?”

Mark’s smile broadened and Sebastian laughed against him.

“Well okay, yes that, but actually Liebling I was thinking a bath,” Seb clarified.

“Ah.”

“I can’t even remember the last time we found time for that.”

“Oh so it’s a _we_ activity?”

Seb looked up at him through his lashes and Mark laughed again. As if he needed persuading? He dipped his head down and kissed his husband's nose.

“Good idea darling. A nice bath sounds lovely. Maybe we’ll get extra lucky and we could have a bit of time tomorrow _and_ Tuesday?”

“Yeah,” sighed Seb. “That does sound nice Liebling.”

“Good. Mmm.”

Seb smiled at how sleepy Mark sounded now. Sleep was nice. He didn’t care what time it felt like, it felt like time to get some proper rest, back home where he belonged, in Mark’s arms where he belonged. They should sleep while they could, make the most of this while they could, and not worry about anything else while they could.

  


 

* * *

 


	217. Shifting Sands

 

* * *

  


 

As the rain streamed down the windows Teddy lay in his new baby bouncer, sat on the floor of the gym a few feet in front of his father as he ran on the treadmill. Mark smiled at the baby and was gratified when his son smiled back.

“Yes darling, hello!” Mark called over, giving his son a wave to amuse him.

This had been his sister's suggestion when Mark had mentioned about wanting to use the gym while Seb was away so he was still able to keep an eye on the baby. Teddy was safely strapped in where he lay, tipped up slightly at an angle so they could see each other. Mark had some music playing and so far his son seemed perfectly happy, occasionally batting at one of the toys dangling down from the carrying handle, the motion causing the bouncer to move up and down just a little as a result. Mark laughed as Teddy did that again, then gurgled delightedly at the sensation. He pressed the button to slow down the running machine, then climbed off to duck down on his haunches in from of his son, reaching in to chub his cheek.

“Auntie Leanne’s clever isn’t she darling? Why didn’t Daddy think of this? We can both have a little workout now can’t we?”

Teddy grabbed his hand and Mark smiled at how firm that grip was now.

“Ten more minutes baby boy, then we’ll go grab a shower and after that it’ll be lunchtime. We can have it in the lounge today I reckon so we can watch Papa in FP3.”

As the baby waggled his arm around Mark leaned in to blow him a kiss.

“Just be good for a few more minutes mate and I’ll be done.”

Teddy murmured something and Mark could swear it was in time to the music. It certainly sounded rhythmical.

“You singing darling? Gah-gah-gah. Good boy. We’ll tell Papa when he rings. Maybe you can sing for him lovely? I know he’d like that.”

With a last smile for the baby Mark removed his hand and stood back up to finish off his workout while the going was good. It might be tipping it down out, but other than that so far his Saturday was going pretty well. He hoped the same was true for Seb in Bahrain.

  


The weather certainly was far better for Sebastian as he crossed back to the RedBull base for a short break after going through preparations with the team in the garage. Given the twilight running here to match timings back in Europe, everything ran later, but as far as possible Seb was trying to keep on home times; going to bed as early as possible and getting up early to use the hotel gym and pool. When he had spoken to Mark earlier it amused Seb to think of him doing the same, well the former at least, and whilst he wished he could be at home in their gym instead, it was nice to think that they retained some link at least.

When he texted to check Mark was free, the reply Sebastian received asked him to hold off five minutes if he could, so Sebastian changed into his race-suit before checking his watch and then placing the Facetime call. He smiled as it was answered by Mark’s smiling face.

“Hey. Sorry sweetheart I was just getting his bottle.”

Mark tipped the phone to show Teddy, the bottle held in the same hand as the arm that supported him resting on his knee.

“That’s okay. Looks like you’re juggling.”

“Ha, always am, although actually we tried the bouncer this morning and it was quite the hit.”

“Oh?”

“Yep, he was a very happy little fellow, so I’ll have to try that again when I need free hands for stuff.”

“Great.”

“What about you? Do they think they’ve fixed what was going wrong yesterday?” Mark enquired.

“They think so. I had a chat with the guys and they reckon the adjustments should compensate for the understeer.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“Guess we’ll see next anyway.”

“True.”

“Have you had lunch?”

“Me? No, just got his. I come second,” smiled Mark.

“Oh I guess.”

“You?”

“Hmm?”

“Have you eaten?”

“Oh yeah I did before. It’s half two here Liebling.”

“Of course. Well, I’ll grab mine after he’s done. Do you want to give me a quick buzz before you jump in the car.”

“If you’re getting lunch?”

“Nah I’ll just make a sandwich and coffee, bring it in here.”

“Oh okay.”

“’bout twenty minutes, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Call me back then,” requested Mark.

“Okay, speak to you in a bit Liebling.”

“Righto. Say bye to Papa sweetheart.”

Mark angled the phone down and Sebastian waved to the baby who was more interested in his bottle right now.

“Bye Schatz.”

Mark smiled and pointed the phone back to himself.

“Sorry darling he’s a bit preoccupied. Speak to you in a bit.”

“’kay, I’ll ring you back.”

  


By the time Seb did ring him back Teddy had obligingly dropped off to sleep so Mark had a chance to wolf down his lunch ready to speak to him. As he answered his phone Mark was still swallowing down coffee, nearly burning his mouth in haste to reply. Sebastian was a little disappointed when Mark showed him their baby lying in his crib, but he knew that was just how Teddy got after a feed.

“Least I’ve got free hands,” noted Mark.

“Hm?”

“Not holding him the whole time.”

“Oh, right.”

“Anyway darling it sounds like you’re good to go.”

“Yep. Is it still raining with you?”

Mark huffed a little laugh at Seb concerning himself with that.

“Yeah, but we’re only doing this anyway. Don’t spose I need to ask what the weather is like with you?”

Sebastian smiled.

“No Liebling. Unsurprisingly it’s warm and sunny.”

“In the desert? You don’t say.”

“Mm, I’m not sure it’s quite the desert.”

“It’s Bahrain sweetheart. I think the sand tells a different story.”

“Well anyway...”

“Quite.”

Mark smiled at Seb via the screen. He missed these silly little exchanges they usually shared when they were simply enjoying each other’s company, but Seb had somewhere he needed to be.

“Hug and then off?” He prompted.

“Guess we’d better,” Sebastian agreed.

  


Mere minutes later Mark was watching his husband climb into his car, waving back at the little wave Seb gave before taking a deep breath and rubbing the dogs sat at his feet, glad for their company if Teddy was going to sleep through this. It might only be practice, but every time Seb drove on track he felt at least a little anxious and he could only relax once it was over and his beloved was out of the car, safe.

It was a secondary concern to see how well he was doing. Mark sat forwards every time the cameras focussed on Sebastian for a lap, noting the times, the lines, how comfortable he looked. Mark sometimes felt almost as if he was sat in the car with him when the television showed the onboard camera view. He smiled to himself at the ridiculous idea that he could really be sat with Seb in that tiny space, squashed up like they were in the bath. Mark chuckled and shook his head as he imagined pressing into Sebastian’s back as they went around a corner, holding on tight to him, pressing his cheek into Seb’s hair.

He popped his eyes open, realising belatedly that he had closed them whilst he imagined that. Mark craned his neck forwards to check, but all was well, FOM were busy showing Lewis on a fast lap and presumably Seb was fine. Taking a deep breath to flood his brain with much needed oxygen, Mark looked to check the baby was still asleep in his crib, then shook his head at the dogs.

“I think I’m going doolally-tap boys.”

Shadow and Simba both turned to look at him so Mark gave them a rub.

“Ah don’t worry. I’m just a bit tired. Think I need to bag a nap like his lordship after this.”

Taking a sip of his now cold coffee, Mark tried to refocus his attention. Seb’s times weren’t amazing. From what he could see the understeer had been cured from the day before, but the better handling wasn’t being reflected in his laptimes. Perhaps they weren’t really aiming for low fuel runs yet? The track was hot given the strong sun still burning above, so that might be a factor with the tyres. Mark shook his head. He would simply have to wait and see what Sebastian said when he spoke to him afterwards. As long as he finished the session unscathed Mark could find plenty to be happy with.

  


  


“Ah I don’t know Liebling,” sighed Sebastian. “It did feel better on track, but it just wasn’t coming through in the times.”

Mark nodded where he sat on the sofa, right back where he had been earlier.

“Hmm, well if the ride’s better that can’t be a bad thing surely?”

“You’d think not.”

“Well sweetheart what are the engineers saying?”

“They don’t seem entirely sure either to be honest, but they did say it might help once it gets dark and the track cools. The tyres were wearing out more quickly on the super-soft.”

“Right. Well, guess you’ll just have to see.”

“Yep.”

Mark tried to think what he could say to encourage Seb.

“Dan wasn’t much better was he?”

“No.”

“Same issue?”

“Not exactly. We both had bad tyre deg, but he didn’t seem to have the understeer to begin with.”

“Ah, well you’re bound to have a slightly different set-up anyway.”

“Yeah. Anyway Liebling, like you say we’ll just have to see. I think we’ve got enough in hand to at least use Q1 to test things out a bit without worrying too much,” Seb explained.

“Right. Okay sweetheart you’ve just got to find your way as you go then. They can make tweaks between runs if you ask can’t they?”

“Yep. I’ve already had a word so I’m going to be feeding back all through and then the guys will jump in.”

Mark nodded.

“Good stuff. Sounds like the teams got things covered.”

“Yeah I think so.”

“Good luck then.”

“Thanks.”

  


  


Before long Seb was back out on track and Mark was back to watching him along with the rest. He was reassured to see that as Sebastian had predicted, he comfortably swung through the first part of qualifying and Mark could see that the times were better than they had been earlier. In the short interval between sessions he watched Sebastian speaking with his guys and Mark could tell from the look in his eyes that Seb was analysing things and having serious discussions. He couldn’t tell what was being said, but moments later several of the mechanics were adjusting things on the wing and Mark knew it would be tweaks based on Seb’s feedback.

Sebastian sat watching them do it, praying that his calls had been the right ones. If they messed this up now there would be no time to pull it back. As the message came through to get ready for Q2 all he could really do was hope for the best. If he slipped into the dropzone Seb would be out and that would be it for any hope of a decent race tomorrow. He lined up with the rest in the pitlane, all eyes on the light about to turn green to release them, then set off, trying to stay calm about it. Seb knew the procedure; out-lap finding a good position in a gap on track, fast-lap to set a decent banker, in-lap to slow down, then back to the garage to get feedback and fresh tyres before a final chance to set a fastest lap before the guillotine came down on the slowest runners with only the top ten going through to Q3. He just had to go for it.

 

Sitting up straight Mark, watched the laptimes rattle up at the side of the screen and smiled. That was better, _much_ better. Whatever they had done seemed to have worked. Seb was now sitting with a reasonably secure looking fourth best time with another run left in the bag. Others might go faster, but those below didn’t look huge threats so in Mark’s opinion he reckoned Seb could afford to risk a little in his last lap to see what was achievable.

 

Seb was thinking the same as he sat in the garage exchanging a rapid-fire update with his engineer before going out again. He was going to go all out and see what was really possible. As long as he didn’t bin the car into a barrier Seb considered himself to have little to lose.

  


As the chequered flag fell on Q2, both Sebastian and Mark were smiling, though only Mark let it show. Sebastian was too busy heading back in to analyse things further with the team ready to see what they could achieve in Q3 for the grid, while Mark sat back and laughed.

“Ha, see boys, that was a cracker. P2! Eat dust Bottas!”

He laughed again, then shook his head at how competitive he could be, even when it was his husband competing and not him. Moments later however Mark was regretting getting too excited as Teddy woke and immediately started bawling at full volume. Mark sighed and went to lift him out, laying him down on the sofa to check his nappy before lifting him back up.

“You only had a bottle less than an hour ago.”

He stood and jigged the baby slightly with his body, one eye on the top ten cars about to go out for Q3.

“C’mon darling. I’m sorry if I woke you. Shh now, Papa’s racing.”

Turning around completely seeing as the baby was lying into his chest, Mark tried to show his son the television, but Teddy crushed his face into Mark’s shoulder and soaked his hoody with tears.

“Shh-shh, what’s the matter? Shh now.”

It wasn’t helping, so Mark sighed and with a last look at all the cars heading out on track he left for the kitchen to make up another bottle to see if that worked. Even with all the practise he had there was no way to do this task in less than a couple of minutes, thus by the time Mark came back through he had missed Seb and everyone else’s first attempt at a lap. He sighed and sat down on the sofa, placing the teat of the bottle into his son’s mouth. Unfortunately however Teddy showed no interest and only continued to wail louder.

“Oh c’mon,” complained Mark. “Not now darling. I need to watch this.”

Teddy looked at him unhappily, his face puckering as he cried even louder. The dogs were turned to look as well but Mark had no time for them. He ditched the bottle on the coffee table and stood back up, trying holding the baby lower in his arms to sway with him. Then when that failed he lifted him back into his chest, rubbing over Teddy’s back in further attempt to soothe him.

“Hush now darling. Hmm? What’s wrong? You’re not hungry. You don’t need a new nappy. You’re not cold.”

He puffed out a breath, guessing it had to be his own fault for being too loud and disturbing him. It was the worst timing. Mark knew it was selfish and he ought to put his son’s needs above all, but he really wanted to see how Seb did in this and now he couldn't concentrate for looking what was wrong with Teddy who continued to drown out all noise from the television.

 

Thinking back to that morning Mark hurried back into the gym to fetch the baby-bouncer he had left in there, grabbing the handle with one hand whilst keeping a squalling Teddy held up with the other. Coming back into the lounge he put it down in front of the coffee table, half an eye checking that Seb at least had a reasonable banker lap on the tally at the side of the screen. Mark noted he was in fourth again, so he had to have done his first run, but there was no sign of him as the commentary explained that people were about to set their fastest laps now as the time ticked down to zero on the last part of qualifying. Mark turned to place his son into the bouncer, clipping him in and setting it off with a gentle push to give Teddy a little bounce.

“Here darling, bouncy-bouncy. You like this.”

Teddy paused for a moment at the motion, then recommenced crying at full pitch. Mark sagged thinking that surely he hadn’t been _that_ loud to upset him so much. He had automatically put the bouncer to face the television, but Teddy was clearly uninterested in the racing, so he swivelled it around to face him instead, trying looking into his son’s eyes to engage with him. Mark dug a tissue out a pocket to dry his eyes, then noticed that the dogs had moved to sit beside them.

“Look sweetheart, Shadow and Simba have come to say hello. I think they’re wondering what the matter is too,” tried Mark, still wondering himself.

Teddy continued crying, but seeing as nothing he did seemed to currently help, Mark looked back up to check the coverage, seeing that the chequered flag was out and all drivers had to complete their last lap now. Seb had dropped to seventh, but Mark couldn't see him so he had to assume he was out on his final lap, hoping to go faster still. One or two cars were coming over the line now, but Mark guessed that they had mistimed things slightly seeing as you usually wanted to be last over the line to get the best time.

Another louder cry went up and Mark looked back to to Teddy.

“Sorry darling. It’s alright, shh now.”

Mark stroked Teddy’s cheek and wiped away the wetness with a tissue once more before stealing another look up as his attention was grabbed by a RedBull car crossing the line. Ah, but that was Dan, getting a pretty impressive second spot. Not Seb though. Where was Seb?

Mark suddenly realised that Teddy had stopped crying and looked back to him, jumping slightly as he saw that Simba had leaned in to lick the baby’s wet cheek.

“Oh god, no Simba don’t do that.”

Mark pushed the dog’s snout away from his son’s face feeling even more guilty that he had failed to give him his full attention. He whipped the tissue back out to wipe Teddy’s cheek.

“Blimey, Papa would go ballistic boys. I know you mean well, but you mustn’t lick Teddy. He’s not your puppy.”

He gave the dogs a serious look, but Teddy was reaching out to them, seeming not to have the same concerns his father had about germs. Mark sighed and shook his head. They were always so careful not to leave the baby alone with the dogs even though Mark was actually sure they would never hurt him, certainly not intentionally. Now Shadow was licking Teddy’s hand as he reached it over to them and Mark shook his head as his son had done a complete about turn on his emotions and was smiling at them. He rolled his eyes.

“Great, so the dogs are better parents than me.”

Tiny little fingers wiggled as a long wet tongue lapped at them and Teddy’s round cheeks twitched with amusement at the sensation.

“No boys, please. No licking the baby.”

He unclipped the belt holding Teddy into the bouncer and lifted him out to take him over to the temporary nappy changing station so he could get an antiseptic wipe to clean his son up and it was only after he had made sure he was sorted out that Mark’s attention was called back to the television.

“ _And that’s really a very impressive pole lap from Lewis. A full tenth ahead of Sebastian in second.”_

 

Mark turned and goggled at the screen to see his husband lining up with Lewis and Daniel in front of the Parc Fermé garage, posing for the top three photograph with the media. _Second?_ He’d missed Seb getting _second_ on the grid? Ah good grief. Surely for a moment there Seb must have held the very top spot seeing as Mercedes were so careful about ensuring their boys were last on track, always expecting to battle for the top spot. He’d missed it!

He sighed and leaned in to grimace at his son.

“Honestly,” Mark sighed.

The baby merely smiled at him and pawed at his face. All Mark could do was sigh again before smiling back.

“Little monster. I missed Papa now.”

Teddy patted his mouth and Mark kissed his hand, glad to know it would be hygienic again now. He huffed a helpless laugh.

“Well kiddo you can explain it to him. ‘Dear Papa I was too busy howling and being a puppy to watch you or let Daddy see you in quali’.” Mark shook his head. “Actually no mate, don’t tell him Daddy let the dogs lick you or I’ll be the one in the doghouse.”

 

Seeing as Teddy was calmer now Mark went to sit on the sofa. He looked to the dogs who came to sit nearer to them and pointed at the floor.

“Seriously boys, no licking Teddy. I have to be able to trust you with him.” Mark raised an eyebrow at his son. “Even if he does appear to like it.”

 

Whilst watching the remainder of the F1 coverage rounding up qualifying, Mark felt guilty about both the fact he had missed Seb’s Q3 run for p2 since he had first woken Teddy and upset him, then been a negligent parent by looking away when the dogs were there. He sat feeling worse and worse about it until Sebastian popped up on the television screen in the pen, happily chatting about his good result.

Seb beamed to camera.

“Well I heard Bottas had engine trouble, so I guess if he hadn’t that would be have been p3, but I’ll take whatever I can get.”

“You seem to have been improving all through the weekend. Can you explain that?” asked the interviewer.

“Um, not precisely. We were making adjustments all the way through to be honest, but I guess we just made them in the right direction. It can go the other way. You can make it worse with each tweak, but not today.”

“You sound pretty pleased.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Well yeah. It worked out. Course I’m pleased and I really have to thank the team for that. The guys worked really hard to keep trying to improve things and it paid off, so yeah I’m pretty chuffed all round.”

“Great to hear. Well good luck for the race.”

“Cheers.”

 

Mark managed a little smile as he detected both Seb’s good mood and the way he tended to use words Mark did these days. He shifted Teddy into one arm to get his phone out to send an additional text to the one he had already sent congratulating Seb.

MARK: Hey sweetheart, well done again. If you get chance can you call me? Xox

He put it down and looked at Teddy, wondering what level of paranoid parent he was now reaching. His son appeared entirely none the worse for his petting incident, but Mark still felt a bit bad about it.

  


  


Twenty minutes passed before Sebastian finally got to call Mark. He sat on his bed changed into fresh clothes, still feeling almost as bouncy as Teddy in his new seat.

“Hey Liebling.”

“Hi sweetheart.”

Mark smiled, and tipped the phone to show Teddy now lying peacefully in his arms.

“Hey Teddybär,” greeted Seb to no reply, but he thought perhaps some eye-contact as the baby gazed at the screen. “Sorry it took me a while.”

“Oh no, you’re busy.”

“I guess. Lots of media stuff.”

“That’s alright. Well done again. Really darling p2 is brilliant.”

“Thanks. I really had no idea which way it was going to go. You know how it can be Liebling, it can go one way or the other when you start tweaking the ride and I thought maybe it was only going to get worse, but then through Q1 I started to have a bit more feel for it and then when I really put my foot down at the end of Q2 I could just feel it you know? It just felt like the car was really talking to me and just thought yeah, I could really do this.”

 

Mark smiled at how excitedly Seb was running on. It was so nice to see him on an up.

“Good for you darling.”

Seb nodded happily.

“I just felt really positive going into Q3 and then I heard Bottas had a problem with his engine. Apparently it might be blown altogether and he might have to start from the pitlane, one of the reporters asked Lewis in the press conference but he didn’t know. So, you know, I mean... It’s pretty good right?”

“It’s great,” confirmed Mark.

“Yeah and so when I came round and they told me I was in P1, I mean I knew that was pretty good, but I assumed both Mercs would nick it, but Bottas wasn’t even still out by then so it was only Lewis and okay, I knew he had more to give, but really Liebling I wasn’t that far behind.”

“Fantastic.”

“And okay, a tenth, it’s not nothing, but I really felt competitive out there just now and so...” Sebastian finally ran out of wind, “I mean, not bad.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Not bad? Darling p2 is brilliant. I’m really pleased for you.”

“Could you tell with the lap? On TV I mean? Did it look fast? I mean it felt really smooth, but I’m not sure if that translated.”

Mark took in a deep breath.

“Ah, um, yeah about that sweetheart.”

“What?”

“Um, the thing is I didn’t exactly see it.”

“Oh.” Sebastian frowned. “Didn’t they show it? Were they following Lewis all the way round?”

Mark puffed a guilty breath.

“Erm, I don’t know. I’ll have to rewind and watch it back.”

“Why?”

“I’m sorry darling. Unfortunately Teddy woke up at just the wrong moment and he was fussing so I tried a bottle, and then I was trying to cheer him up a bit and, well, sorry sweetheart but I just mistimed things and I missed your lap, well pretty much all of Q3 actually.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian looked rather crestfallen, then looked at Mark’s troubled expression and shook his head.

“Well, never mind.”

“I’m really sorry darling.”

“On no Liebling it doesn’t matter. You were looking after Teddy.”

“Hmm,” sighed Mark darkly. “I’m not sure I was doing a very good job of that either.”

“I’m sure you were. Don’t worry Liebling. It’s not your fault. You were doing something more important.”

Mark sighed heavily.

“No it was my fault he woke in the first place. I was a bit loud I think after seeing you in Q2 which was dense of me seeing as I knew he was right there asleep. Then I think I was making it worse by rushing around trying to fix it which just upset him more cos I was trying to watch you at the same time.”

“Mark, don’t be silly.”

“Well there was no reason for him to be crying otherwise. I checked his nappy and he refused a bottle so...”

“So sometimes he cries. Liebling it’s okay.”

“I just feel bad about it.”

“He might have woken anyway. He does that. Sometimes there’s no good reason.”

“I meant about missing you as well.”

Sebastian pushed aside any selfish thoughts about how he really had wanted Mark to be watching his success as he focussed on how bothered Mark sounded about it all.

“It doesn’t matter. Don’t fret Liebling.”

  


Mark puffed out the longest breath. He hated to think how it might have been if he hadn’t been watching and something bad had happened instead of something good. How dreadful he would feel if Seb crashed and he wasn’t even watching. It would feel as though it was his fault somehow, even if Mark knew that was illogical.

“Liebling really,” soothed Sebastian. “It’s no big deal.”

“I just feel bad.”

“Don’t.”

Mark nodded, but he didn’t look terribly cheered up.

“Mark you can watch it back,” insisted Seb. “You watched most of it. Can’t be helped and looking after Teddy is the main thing. Don’t stress.”

“Well I’m glad you got a good result anyway.”

“Thanks. It’s only quali after all.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. Qualifying was pretty important to his mind.

“Okay.”

“Don’t look so worried Liebling,” advised Seb. “You can’t do two things at once.”

“Hmm, well I was trying.”

“Of course you were.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark paused. He really hadn’t been going to mention this, but he was hopeless at keeping anything from Seb and if he did, he knew he would feel even more guilty.

“Thing is sweetheart I _was_ trying to do both. So I put him in his bouncer and I was knelt down with him, trying to buck him up at the same time as trying to see how you were doing and I guess I looked at the TV for a moment and then when I looked back I saw Simba licking his face.”

“Teddy’s face?”

“Yeah.”

Mark glanced down at the baby in his arms, then back at Seb. He felt horrible and rushed to reassure him.

“Darling I promise I only looked away for like a second and Simba didn’t mean any harm. I think he thought he was helping and you know the weird thing is, the reason I looked back right away was because Teddy actually stopped crying.”

Seb frowned.

“He stopped?”

“When Simba licked him. It was just his cheek and I shooed him off and cleaned Teddy up of course. I used one of the sani-wipes so he was properly clean and stuff, but, yeah...”

Mark looked into his husband’s eyes. Seb was usually even more paranoid than he was with the dogs and Teddy. He hated to think he had let him down.

“I’m really sorry darling. I only looked away for a moment and I’m sure they’d never hurt him.”

“No of course not.”

“Are you mad at me?”

Sebastian furrowed his brow.

“What do you mean?”

“Well I woke Teddy, I missed your key lap, and to top it off I failed to watch our son, leaving him with the dogs.”

 

Sebastian shook his head. He hated that Mark sounded genuinely distressed about it.

“Oh Mark, don’t beat yourself up. He’s fine. Right?”

“Of course. I don’t believe they’d ever bite him and I cleaned him right up.”

“So it’s okay. Stop fretting Liebling. It wasn’t like you walked out of the room and left him with them.”

“God of course not. I’m sure I only looked away for a second.”

“Of course. Mark it’s okay.”

“Hm, and then Teddy was trying to pet them and they licked his hand too.”

“So he liked it.”

“Hmm?”

“Teddy. You said he stopped crying and then he put his hand out for more,” noted Sebastian.

“Oh. Yeah.” Mark looked at Teddy and shook his head. “Actually I think he really did. He was smiling.”

“Really?”

“Mm.”

Seb smiled.

“Well I’m not saying we encourage it, but it does sound more like they were trying to help.”

“The boys?”

“Yes. I think they were trying to make him feel better. Isn’t that what dogs do? To soothe their babies and to comfort them. It’s a show of affection.”

Mark gave a tip of his head.

“I guess it is. I think rather worryingly they might think he’s their puppy as well as ours.”

“Our puppy?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do. Yeah I bet they do Liebling.”

“I’m not suggesting we let them babysit or anything.”

Sebastian laughed.

“No Liebling I think that might be a step too far, but I’m sure they understand that Teddy is vulnerable and they need to be gentle with him.”

“Yeah I hope so. Probably not something we want to mention to Rachel though.”

Seb puffed a breath.

“No.”

“I really am sorry darling. I just had a really bad ten minutes at the worst time and I guess I let myself get stressed-out and distracted.”

“Don’t be stressed Liebling. Teddy’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. You know you tell me off for worrying about what _might_ have happened rather than what actually has happened.”

“Do I?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Sometimes. You’re just being the sensible voice in my head.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Swapping then. You’re being mine now.”

“Good.”

Mark gave him a half-smile.

“Thank you sweetheart. Ah god, I miss having another person around to just, I don’t know, just to keep me sane.”

“Ach Mark, poor you. I do hate having to leave you all alone.”

“Oh I know. I wasn’t complaining.”

“No but it is a lot. It’s a strain when you’re looking after Teddy the whole time. It’s not fair on yourself to feel guilty for looking away for one moment Liebling. I know you’d never let Teddy come to any harm.”

“I hope not.”

“You wouldn't. You can’t watch him every single second of every single day.”

“I suppose.” Mark let out a long sigh, glad that he had told Seb rather than let this fester. “Thank you sweetheart.”

“No Liebling thank you. You do such a great job with him. We’re very lucky to have you.”

“We?”

“Me and Teddy.”

“Oh.” Mark smiled. “Thanks.”

“When I come home I’ll be able to help again and you can get a rest.”

“You’ve got a race first.”

“I know, but I’m home for ten days after, so that’s good isn’t it?”

“Course it’s good. I’m very much looking forward to it.”

“Me too. So, there we are.”

Mark nodded.

“Thanks sweetheart. I appreciate a voice of reason.”

“I’m not often called that,” smiled Seb.

“Course you are. You’re very sensible. Also fast. Did I mention fast?”

Seb laughed.

“Cheers again. I still reckon I have the easy part.”

“The easy part?”

“I just have to race. You have to stay home on your own and look after Teddy twenty-four seven. I think that’s pretty incredible Liebling. You do an amazing job. Look how happy he is now.”

 

Mark angled the phone a fraction more and Sebastian smiled as he looked at their son laying peacefully in his arms.

“Yeah. Ah thank you sweetheart. To be honest I was getting a stress head on about all this.”

“Don’t Liebling. Maybe you need a nap or something?”

“Actually I think I could use some fresh air. It was pouring earlier.”

“Maybe take the dogs out then?”

“Yeah I think I might take them up the hill. It’ll be muddy but I don’t suppose they’ll care.”

“And you can put Teddy in the carrier.”

“Exactly. Yeah I think that’s a plan. Then a bit of grub and then will you be back at your hotel?”

Sebastian checked the time.

“Um probably. We’ve got the debrief and race-prep to get through so, hmm… About say eight your time?”

“Fine. I promise I’ll have watched your Q3 by then.”

“Liebling it’s fine. I don’t even know how much of me they showed on TV.”

“Oh I guess. Anyway I’ll see.”

“Okay. Will you be alright?” checked Seb.

“Hm?” frowned Mark.

“I don’t want you getting all stressed Liebling. Is there anything I can do?”

Mark gave him a smile.

“You’ve done plenty darling. I feel much better for talking to you.”

“Good.”

“Tell you what I could use,” confessed Mark.

“Oh?”

“A hug.”

  
Sebastian couldn't help pouting at that. They missed real physical contact so much while they were parted. It never got any easier to lie in an empty bed at night when they longed to feel their other half there. No amount of imagination, Facetiming, or loaned hoodies entirely made up for their loved one’s absence.

“Of course,” assured Seb.

Mark hitched Teddy up to lie into his shoulder and closed his eyes as Seb closed his. They knew it made even less sense to do this on a visual call, but it was what they did and it worked better than anything else they had to make themselves feel better. As Mark reopened his eyes he saw Seb still had his closed and he gazed at those long lashes in repose.

“I love you so much sweetheart.”

Sebastian looked back at him and smiled.

“Me too.”

“And I’m so proud of you for today.”

“Thank you. You know Liebling I always know that and it always makes me feel so much stronger to know you’re supporting me. It doesn’t matter if you can’t watch every bit. Don’t be worrying about that. I know you’ve got Teddy, so like in the race tomorrow, if he needs something, he needs it and that’s what you do. I’d never imagine it as meaning you weren’t supporting me just as much.”

Mark nodded.

“Thanks. Well we’ll see. Hopefully no more disasters tomorrow. I’ll try a bottle with him beforehand and I’ve got the pitstop set up in here.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh as Mark panned the phone over to show him where he had the travel changing mat and kit set up on the floor of the lounge.

“Great, nothing to worry about then, but if you do need to do stuff, then you do and that’s just how it is. Okay?”

“Okay darling. Got it. Right, I’m pretty sure I’m holding you up from a debrief or something.”

Seb looked at his watch again.

“Mm, better had get going actually. Have a nice walk.”

“Thanks and well done again.

“Thank you. Bye Schatz.”

Mark tried to angle the phone to get Teddy to look, but the baby merely stayed pressed into him.

“Bye sweetheart. Speak later.”

“Bye, love you both.”

“Love you too.”

 

As they ended the call Mark let out a long sigh. He wondered if it was unjust of him to have expected Seb to have been unhappy with him. Mark knew one of the many good qualities of his husband was his empathy and unfailing kindness. Of course all he’d wanted was to make Mark feel better. Mark closed his eyes again and rested his cheek by his son’s, missing Sebastian more than ever. He really could have done with that hug being a real one.

He left it a moment, then sat up, telling himself to calm down and be sensible about it all. No good came of stressing himself out worrying that Shadow could have accidentally nicked Teddy’s skin with a sharp tooth when so close, or even bitten him. Mark didn’t think they would really do that. He’d just have to be extra-vigilant in future about making sure he was watching Teddy if he was ever at dog height.

Now he felt a little better Mark got up to organise what he was doing next. A nice blowy walk should properly clear his head, then he could come back and see if Teddy wanted a bottle while they attempted to watch Sebastian’s Q3 run properly this time before he spoke to Seb again.

  


 

 

 

  


The next day Mark set up camp in the lounge before he race start, hoping it would go better for him at least than the day before. Having made Teddy his bottle Mark went to walk back through from the kitchen when he noticed Shadow and Simba trailing him. He stopped and looked at them, wondering if he ought to shoo them back to their baskets and shut them in the kitchen, but perhaps he was letting paranoia get the better of him. The dogs were part of the family and they hadn’t really done anything wrong. The fault had been his for being distracted so it wouldn't be right to punish them. No he’d just have to do a better job of watching them, or more to the point, watching his son.

“C’mon then,” he relented, giving them a nod towards the hall. “We should be in time to see the drivers’ parade starting.”

He sat down on the sofa, settling Teddy in one arm with the cushion wedged under, before flicking the TV on, then exchanging the remote control for the bottle to offer to the baby. Due to Bahrain being a night race it was already mid-afternoon in England so both Mark and Teddy were only just up from their post-lunch nap. Mark had a coffee cooling to wake him up, but for now he was concentrating on his son.

“You a bit sleepy still darling?” he enquired as he observed those blue eyes not entirely keen on being fully open.

Teddy lazily sucked at his milk and Mark gave him a smile.

“Yeah mate, that’s it. Just have a little drink and we’ll see if we can spot Papa before he rings us.”

  


By the time the parade was over, Teddy was done with his bottle so Mark abandoned it in favour of drinking his now lukewarm coffee, half an eye on his phone sat on the coffee table whilst all the usual pre-race filler played on television. For now there was a still a perfect blue sky at the circuit which was in stark contrast to the incessant rain at home. At least Mark knew he didn’t have to worry about bad weather affecting the race today. As the presenting team chatted in front of the garages Mark could see that the light was just beginning to fade a little in the background. Soon it would be dark, but that would have relatively little effect on the drivers given how brightly lit the track would be.

They were currently discussing the results of qualifying whilst stood in front of the Mercedes garage and Mark was heartened to hear that Bottas would indeed be taking a whole new engine and thus starting from the pitlane. He looked to Teddy.

“One up for Papa you see kiddo,” Mark explained. “Or at least one less threat at the start. You never know, Lewis might stuff it up and Papa might whizz into the lead. Yes, he’s done it before. Your Papa’s good on the starts, much better than Daddy was to be honest, but that’s okay.”

Mark was leaning over Teddy as he spoke to him, his son looking right into his eyes as he talked and Mark wondered what if anything he took in. Not much probably. He smiled at him and Teddy smiled back causing Mark to sigh at how special that made him feel.

“Are you smiling at Daddy kiddo? Do you think he’s silly for worrying about Simba giving you a little kiss when he’s your friend? Probably. Probably think Daddy’s silly for worrying about Papa when he’s such a good racer too huh? Yeah, silly Daddy. It’ll all be fine lovely boy.”

He kissed Teddy’s forehead, then sat up as his phone started ringing, flicking his eyebrows to Teddy.

“Ah see, here’s Papa now. Time to tell him good luck.”

  


Sebastian was glad to see Teddy looking happy as he Facetimed with Mark. It helped him feel positive about the day, though p2 on the grid, plus one challenger pretty much eliminated from the start, didn’t hurt either.

“I pretty much expect him to fight his way back up though,” Seb noted.

“Who? Bottas?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm, well maybe. Though if they’re anxious about reliability that might hold him back a bit,” Mark argued.

“Maybe. I guess I’ll just have to see.”

“I wouldn't concern yourself unless he’s in your mirrors to be honest.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“True. Anyway not at the start at any rate. I’m just gonna try to hang onto Lewis for the first lap and hope nobody’s too close off the line.”

“Right, or have him hanging onto you.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Indeed. Well, sorry Liebling I’m in a bit of a rush.”

Mark smiled.

“Darling the last thing you need to apologise for on race day is being in a rush.”

“Ha. Yeah.”

“So, hug and we’ll let you get on?”

“Yep. Thanks Liebling.”

  


Only a couple of minutes later Seb was back in the main garage arranging his belongings to the side and putting his phone away in his bag when it buzzed with a message. He pulled it out again to see it was from Mark. Sebastian smiled as he looked at the photograph of Teddy smiling.

MARK: Teddy has promised me he’ll be on his best behaviour today, so fingers crossed. He says good luck again and so do I. All our love. You’re going to go great today. XOX

P.S. The dogs also say they are going to behave and they reckon you can jump Lewis at the start, never mind keep up. They watch a lot of races so I think we can trust them to know their stuff.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

SEB: Thanks to all 4 of you. X

He forced himself to put his phone away rather than wait for a reply, then turned around to see a couple of the guys looking at him.

“What’s so funny?” asked Steve.

“Just Mark.”

“Ah.”

Sebastian smiled and began to pull on his racing cowl and helmet, not noticing the little wink Steve gave to Mike before they went back to giving the car a last look over before Seb climbed in and they sent him out. This was their best race start position in quite some time and Seb thought there was a good vibe in the garage seeing as Daniel had p3 as well. It meant they were going to be very close at the start, but Sebastian had no intention of letting his team-mate get alongside, never mind ahead. Nope, not today. Today it was all eyes ahead and Sebastian would be more than happy if his dogs were correct, though he probably wasn’t going to mention that detail to the team.

  


It was nearly dark by the time the cars came around from their formation lap. Sebastian was taking slow steady breaths inside his helmet, just taking a few seconds to rehearse his start procedure one more time in his head. Lewis was pointed dead ahead in his gridslot a place ahead to the left, but Seb could see in his mirror that Dan was angled inwards. He smiled, knowing exactly what his plan was: Hammer the start and squeeze in between them, hoping that the top two would be so busy battling each other that he could capitalise. _Hmm_. Sebastian frowned a little. Couldn’t have that. The main thing though was to perfect the clutch at the green light and aim for the first corner as fast as he damn well could. Lewis would be at a slight disadvantage being on the outside and thus so would Dan behind him. All Seb had to do was not screw up and not give ground. Five lights on. Heart thumping. _Go_.

  


With Teddy cradled in his arms as gently as possible, Mark sat on the very edge of the sofa watching as Sebastian rocketed off the line, keeping the inside line to level with Lewis who was already pulling inwards ready for the sharp right turn ahead. Daniel behind had nowhere to go and had to stamp on his brakes, smoke billowing out from the tortured tyres causing the cars behind to frantically brake themselves or shoot out onto the run-off to the left. Mark winced, but he was more interested in Sebastian who had successfully held the corner forcing Lewis to go around him despite being marginally ahead.

Mark pulled a face as FOM kept the cameras pointed at the first corner where several cars had run into one another, mostly with glancing blows, but leaving some debris on track. Double yellow flags were out already while marshals dashed to clear the now empty section of track, but the race was still going so while most cars fought on, some were already on the radio to their teams about coming in for repairs or fresh tyres. Dan had somehow held third, but his tyres had horrible flat spots.

“I had nowhere to go!” complained Dan on the radio.

“Well he wasn’t going to open the door and wave you through,” noted Mark dryly.

He shook his head at Teddy.

“Honestly. As if Papa was gonna give that corner up?”

He looked back to the screen as it finally caught up with the two front runners on the far side of the circuit, still battling it out. Mark took in a deep breath as Seb undercut Lewis in one corner only for Lewis to pretty much force him off track on the outside of the next bit of track.

“Eeshh,” Mark sucked through his teeth.

Mark puffed a breath, glad at least that the tarmac’d run-offs here meant there was little consequence to going wide except travelling a bit further. Sebastian was back in second place as the pair of them came back around to the start where there were still waved double yellows meaning no over-taking as debris thankfully off the racing line was removed. Unfortunately it had the consequence of allowing Lewis to consolidate his position and by the second lap Sebastian was falling back a fraction.

Sitting back himself Mark took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Okay, so Seb was in second, but the rest were a long way back, so at least it was a solid second.

“That was a bit exciting wasn’t it buddy?”

Teddy murmured back and Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, almost a little _too_ exciting. I quite agree mate.”

  


They were replaying the start now that things had settled down so Mark had chance to have a proper look at what had happened to the rest. He was glad Seb had been in front of all that, but then he knew that was the danger of being in the mid-field at the start – all too often you got mixed up in trouble not of your own making and there might be very little you could do to prevent it. The commentators were busy updating everyone on how all those affected were doing now, showing several pitting. Then all of a sudden it cut back to the track to show the Williams of Stroll who had tried to press on despite damage to his front wing now coming a cropper as the whole thing fell off on the main straight.

“No no no,” hissed Mark. “Silly boy. You should have gone in.”

He shook his head as the white car inevitably ran right over its own wing and narrowly avoided crashing as it came off at the thankfully wide run-off. Yet more debris was now in almost the exact same place as before but worse this time, resulting in the virtual safety car being put in place. Mark looked at Teddy.

“You’d have known to go in wouldn't you mate? Hm? Better to lose time in the pits than end your race altogether. Oh well, live and learn.”

The young rookie was being shown being returned to his garage whilst what remained of his car was gathered up by the marshals and a recovery truck. Mark was relieved to see that the car had ended up near a gap in the outer fencing so it could be wheeled out of the way despite the damage. He knew if it was worse then the real safety car would be called and then all that good work Seb had done to get clear at the front with Lewis would be wiped out. From the looks of it a brave marshal and a brush could dash out to sweep those chunks of broken graphite out of the way and the race could continue. Or at least it could for all but Stroll who was now back with his team.

As the boy removed his helmet and the cameras showed how crestfallen he appeared, Mark felt bad for him. There were a couple of consoling pats on the arm from his guys in the garage, but Mark guessed from his expression that the team might well have told him to come in and he had thought he knew better. If so then that was going to be one awkward debriefing session later.

“Course the thing is sweetheart, you’re so low in the car you can’t always see the damage we can see on TV,” explained Mark to Teddy.

Teddy blew a spit bubble making his father laugh.

“Oh you’d know better would you mate? Fair enough, that’s me told.”

  


As an update on what was happening came to him over the radio, Sebastian gave no more thought to the incident that had occurred other than to hope as Mark did that it wouldn't require a real safety car. As they went around at the regulation speed he could hold position without losing anything whilst everyone else did the same. If he got a couple of laps of this then Seb knew that would have implications for his strategy as it would allow him to hold out longer before pitting.

Just as he was thinking that, Sebastian heard on the radio that Daniel was taking the opportunity to pit for replacement tyres seeing as his had been damaged at the start. He didn’t want to actively wish ill on his team-mate, but Seb couldn't help but think that helped him. Dan would have to either add an extra pitstop or drive incredibly carefully to make them last. Either way it gave Seb an advantage and it also meant that the team would be in no doubt about making him the priority for today’s race which was never a bad thing.

“VSC in this lap,” advised his engineer.

“Righto,” acknowledged Seb, waiting for the signal to put his foot down as Lewis in front would no doubt be doing the same. Game back on.

  


  


Mark watched as Sebastian attempted to make inroads on the lead, but with the superior Mercedes engine he knew that even with DRS Seb had little real hope. It kept Lewis on his toes though which was no bad thing and Mark noted that he wasn’t screaming away into the distance which either meant he hadn’t quite as much power as some assumed, or they were playing it just a little safe. As long as Lewis’s lead was reasonably secure Mark understood that there was no point trying to get a full lap ahead just for the hell of it.

By contrast the other Mercedes car driven by Bottas clearly _was_ pushing as hard as he dared. He had made relatively quick work of the back-markers and for once starting in the pitlane hadn’t been the worst thing seeing as it meant he had been well away from the turmoil off the grid. The television coverage was concentrating on showing him and Mark had to concede that the overtakes were fairly entertaining, even if they weren’t necessarily the toughest to achieve. It also meant he could relax in the knowledge that if they weren’t showing Seb it meant there was nothing interesting to show and for now Mark would happily take that.

  


  


There was a fair amount of juggling around through the middle part of the race, but Mark really only cared what happened to Seb at the front and there the status quo held until Lewis pitted. Sebastian thus briefly led the race and Mark held Teddy up, trying to show him.

“Look darling. Look, Papa’s in the lead. Isn’t he great?”

His phone buzzed, so Mark lowered Teddy down in his arms to free a hand to pick it up. He smiled as he read the message.

FABIAN: Woohoo!

Mark chuckled and shook his head at Teddy.

“That’s your Onkel Fabe mate. He’s getting a bit excited, but Papa’s gonna have to pit too, so we’re just gonna hang fire and see what happens.”

Sure enough though Sebastian held the lead as Lewis came back out, within a couple of laps he too had to pit and the situation was reversed, putting him back in second place. It had been a clean pit-stop though, so at least things effectively stayed as they had been before.

 

Even with everything being shuffled around, the front two maintained a good twelve second gap to the car in third and Mark could tell that Seb wasn’t risking too much trying to get closer to Lewis when the odds of passing were slim. All he would likely end up doing was damaging his tyres running in hot air, so Sebastian stayed roughly two seconds behind, the silver arrow in his sights but steadily ahead.

  


  


As they entered the last third of the race Sebastian was readying for his final pit-stop. He was listening on the radio for instructions with enough spare concentration to spy the giant screens showing Bottas had fought his way up to fourth now whilst Daniel was pushed into fifth as he was the latest to be overtaken.

“Crash, crash at T9,” came the unexpected call, his engineer’s voice urgent as the front two were approaching that very corner. “Double yellows. Watch out for debris.”

Sebastian sharpened up, all focus now as he slowly followed Lewis through the combined mess of a McLaren and a Force India who had been a lap behind them.

  


Mark sat on the sofa watching to see his friend Fernando climb from the wreckage of his car. Damn, that had been nasty. God only knew why the Force India had fought so hard for the corner when they were running so far back after already having had a run-in at the start. Mark shook his head and let out a long sigh before looking to his son to reassure him just in case he really was taking any of this in.

“Your Uncle Nando is fine sweetheart. Silly-billies in the race today, but everybody’s fine. They just messed up their nice shiny race cars.”

He shifted Teddy into one arm to pick his phone up once Seb was safely past the scene of the accident. Mark sent a quick message to Fernando, sympathising and telling him he was glad he was okay. As he looked back to the screen Mark saw that the real safety car was coming out this time and he refocussed on the race, wondering what was going to happen.

  


“Pit, pit. Pit, pit,” came the command.

“Received,” replied Sebastian shortly.

Okay so they were going to try to pit under safety car. It was worth a go, even if Mercedes had the same idea. Sebastian followed the silver car into the pits and he saw that even more teams had made the same decision and the pitlane was awash with cars. As he was released Sebastian had to slot in after a Sauber, his mind was already calculating where the other car would be running. He guessed that the driver of the Sauber had to be a lap down, so before the safety car came in he would be released to unlap himself and therefore was of little concern.

“Lewis has been held up in his pit,” came the unexpected announcement over his radio.

As Sebastian heard the calm report he realised belatedly that Lewis wasn’t running ahead of the blue and white car as he had assumed. It had been so busy in the pitlane it had been hard to see who was where when there were so many cars swinging in and out of all the pitboxes in front of the garages. It seemed at least one of those cars had to have blocked Lewis, causing a delay to him being released by his team. More importantly it meant Sebastian was in the lead. He still had to slot into the train of cars trundling along behind the safety car, but those ahead had to be lapped cars, or those on older tyres holding out to the end and Sebastian immediately got back onto his team to get the run of things, establishing which would be released to loop back to the rear and which were the ones he would need to overtake. Fresh tyres surely meant he would be able to.

“Lewis is in effective p2, then Bottas, then Dan,” reported his engineer over the radio.

“Okay, got it.”

  


Two more safety cars laps passed before the unlapped cars were released, much to the frustration of the commentators on TV as Mark watched. He knew it meant that the safety car coming in had to be imminent though and Mark felt the tension rising. Seb would have Lewis on his heels at the same time as he fought to get by several mid-field cars who had largely lucked out to be where they were. One Toro Rosso, a Renault and the remaining Force India. None were likely to jump out of his way, but Sebastian was already readying to see if he could leapfrog the Renault which he had already clocked to have understeer going though the corners meaning nosing through on the inside was an option so long as he went like a hare the second the safety car went in and they crossed the start-finish line.

As soon as they were free to race again, Sebastian had his foot to the floor, zooming as tight as he dared alongside then threading the needle into the corner. One down, two to go and he hoped to god Lewis wasn’t being let through at the same time.

Three corners on and Seb only had the Toro Rosso to pass, but Lewis was right in his mirrors, trying to exactly the same as him. The car from the sister team now ahead had no intention of handing him anything and Sebastian had to stomp on the brakes as he cut in for the corner, blocking his attempt to get by.

  


At home Mark hissed as he watched Lewis smoke his tyres braking behind Seb, only narrowly avoiding going into the back of him. He closed his eyes for a second, trying to block out the thrilled tones of the commentary loving every moment of this. He rubbed over his face as he watched the dark blue car in front weaving one way then the next, blocking Seb’s attempts to get by.

“You can only move _once_ ,” growled Mark.

“He can’t do that!” appealed Sebastian in a far more high-pitched voice, his level of stress clear. “Speak to Charlie. That is not okay!”

“We’ve reported it,” came the calm reply.

Sebastian took in a deep breath. Sod him then. He’d get him on the straight with DRS. Hopefully a word would have come down to remind him what the rules were. Damnit, Seb remembered no DRS straight after a safety car. He’d just have to do it on his own.

  


Coming around past the pits Sebastian made sure he had saved as much hybrid energy as possible to release, then as he got close to the car ahead he made as if to go to the outside, then waited for the Toro Rosso to go to block him once more before darting the other way and hammering it up the inside. He held his breath, but Seb succeeded in reaching the corner before him. There was a puff of smoke from the tyres, but he held it and as he straightened up out of sharp bend at T1, Sebastian knew that Lewis would now have Verstappen in his path, hopefully causing him as much trouble as he had Seb and thus giving him a little breathing space.

  


Mark found himself in the odd position of being glad Seb had a chance to pull a small gap at the same time as still being annoyed with the young Toro Rosso driver continuing to make double moves on Lewis.

“That’s not how it works sunshine,” he advised.

He puffed a breath and glanced to Teddy.

“One day that young man is going to have a very unpleasant end to his race doing that.”

Teddy looked at him, then started wiggling slightly. Mark frowned, then lifted the baby up to sniff his rear.

“Ah. Okay. Pitstop time for you too.”

Mark stood and went over to where the changing mat and everything else was laid out. The dogs who had been peacefully lying on the floor came with him and tried sniffing at Teddy as he laid him down, but Mark shooed them off.

“No boys, off with you.”

Both dogs dipped their heads and slunk away. As Mark undressed his son and removed the dirty nappy he determinedly didn’t look to the screen, relying listening to the running commentary to keep him informed as Lewis apparently scrapped his way past Max to regain second and began chasing down Sebastian. Teddy scrunched his face and started crying as Mark cleaned him up, unhelpfully flexing his legs about.

“No sweetheart just let me sort you out,” requested Mark.

He managed to get him cleaned and a new nappy on him before rolling up the old one into a bag and wiping his hands with a couple of wipes before redressing Teddy.

“Right. Done.”

Mark lifted Teddy up into his chest and rubbed over his back to soothe him as he looked to the screen at last to see Lewis was now right back on Sebastian’s tail. Normally Mark would have gone to sit on the sofa, but now he stayed knelt on the carpet, just a few feet away from the screen as he watched it close-up, unable to move away.

  


Sebastian was sure he could feel his pulse beating in his throat as he weaved around one corner with the silver car so close it was as if they were linked by a length of rope. Then it got worse as Lewis dived up the inside and the pair of them ran in parallel, Seb only a nose ahead. The cars were mere inches apart, but Sebastian wasn’t going to back down. Lewis might have the better car, but as drivers Seb considered himself on a par and he knew his friend respected him. He trusted Lewis not to run into him, but Seb also knew Lewis would be ruthless enough to ease him over the white line if he wasn’t careful. There might be swathes of smooth run-off here, but Seb had no desire to visit them. He had to hold on.

  


Mark kept Teddy held against him, still reflexively stroking over his back despite the fact his son had gone quiet now. Mark’s eyes were wide as he stared at the TV, the cars large in his vision as they tussled for the lead. So close, _so_ close.

Mark felt something and realised that the dogs had snuck back over, coming to rest their heads on his lap. He didn’t look down, but Mark wasn’t about to tell them off now. Instead he kept watching, his heart pounding as Sebastian couldn't avoid his two right wheels going off track as Lewis pushed things to the limit to now go a nose ahead of him. Mark grimaced, but it was racing and all too soon Lewis was half a car ahead, then he had the racing line into the next corner and it was done.

  


“Damn!” seethed Sebastian inside his helmet.

There were only eight laps to go now, but as he approached the pit-straight once more Seb knew it was going to be difficult to get past Lewis once he was in front. He wasn’t going to give up though. He had DRS, so sod it, he might as well try. Sebastian jinked to the outside seeing as he knew Lewis would take the inside line aiming for the corner and surprised himself as he actually pulled ahead. He cut across for the bend and Lewis was forced to brake to avoid a collision. Risky stuff, but Seb knew it was the only way. He managed to hold position through the next couple of corners as a result of Lewis having to lose momentum, but soon he was back on him and the two were battling again.

  


Mark took in a pained breath. The commentators were clearly overjoyed to witness such tooth and nail racing between two top drivers, but every moment was agony for Mark. Any second one of them could make a mistake causing them both to crash. Even with all this open run-off that could end badly. A car could flip or land on top of other and then Seb could get hurt.

“It’s okay,” soothed Mark to his son. “It’s gonna be okay.”

He didn’t realise he was really soothing himself, not Teddy.

“Ach.”

This time as they completed another lap Lewis had gained the advantage of DRS down the start-finish straight and was ahead of Sebastian long before the corner. There had been nothing Seb could really do about it and now he was back to trailing Lewis around the track, trying to stay in touch as they weaved in and out of back-markers. The Mercedes might be more powerful, but he wasn’t zooming away, so Seb continued to push hard, trying to keep up in the hope that he might somehow manage to nick the lead back again.

 

They battled on, the tension growing ever higher. Mark watched with bated breath to see what would happen. Then all of a sudden a distressed radio call was broadcast.

“Whoa, whoa! No power! I’m losing power!”

  


* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, not been great at getting a new chapter up, but hey this is a two-parter, so I hope that makes up for the delay.


	218. Chasing Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So how does the race turn out? Whose engine just went kaput? And what happens after that?

* * *

 

 

Mark’s eyebrows shot up as the radio was played out Lewis’s voice on TV just as the cameras swung around to see smoke pouring out of the silver car before it pulled off track to roll to a halt on the far side of blue painted run-off area.

“The engine’s gone. It just frickin’ blew out of nowhere,” complained Lewis, his voice desolate over the airwaves.

“Yes Lewis. We noticed,” came the reply as dry as the desert around them. “Sorry. Happened too quick to do anything. Make sure she’s off and get out as quick as you can. We think ERS may be active, so do a jump out.”

“Right.”

Even the following sigh was broadcast and Mark really did feel a little bad for Lewis. He’d been in that position too many times himself not to know how it felt when a mechanical issue ruined your race when it was all going so well. The television showed Lewis making the leap from his car to be sure he didn’t earth it and then he was off, finding an exit as marshals sallied forth to deal with the stricken vehicle where Lewis had no desire to linger.

Mark wished they would show Sebastian instead of marshals spraying fire-extinguishers seeing as Seb really was leading the race now. He looked at the running order at the side of the screen to check how things lay: Seb was in the lead followed by Verstappen, then Bottas, with Dan in fourth, but that didn’t tell him how far behind they were. The scrolling gaps usually giving this data in a box at the base of the screen was unhelpfully reporting how many pitstops each car had made instead and Mark cursed FOM for not giving him the information he needed. He took a calming breath as they did at least show Sebastian leading the race for a few corners before cutting to show Bottas now tangling with the Toro Rosso.

Given how far off track Lewis had pulled, the yellow flags were enough to cover getting his car removed and racing wasn’t held up much. Soon Bottas was getting the same treatment that Lewis and Sebastian had received from Max and he was complaining on the radio just the same, but it seemed rebuke from on high was coming down finally and the young Toro Rosso driver was at last given a warning to behave. Thus restrained, there was only so much defending he could do and within half a lap the other Mercedes was past into second place and racing on.

 

Sebastian got the news on the radio. Five laps to go and a revitalised Bottas was chasing him down with hopes of a spectacular pitlane to race win recovery. He put his foot down and began braking as late as he dared through the corners, pushing the limits as he was informed the Mercedes was closing in.

The little timing box appeared in the corner of the screen, constantly updating the shrinking gap between Seb and his pursuer. Mark watched the timings rattling up like a man possessed. Only four laps to go, but somehow Bottas was going faster than ever. It seemed he had no time to think of how his own engine had failed yesterday just as Lewis’s had today. Bottas had everything turned up to full power, risking it all in the hope of a win.

The silver car wasn’t actually in sight of his mirrors yet, but Sebastian felt his presence bearing down on him like an almost physical weight. His engineer warned him that he was coming up on a bunch of backmarkers he needed to lap and Sebastian knew there was a danger they might hold him up, perhaps badly enough that he could be caught and passed. They were getting close now. Seb hoped to goodness that they would do the right thing and get out of his way.

“Blue flag!” he requested anxiously on the radio.

 

Mark along with everyone else could hear the message broadcast on the live feed. The commentators were joking about how stressed Sebastian sounded, but Mark knew it was no joke. Any one of those cars could foul this up for Seb when he had worked so hard to get where he was. Even if they were ticked off for failing to respond to the instruction to move over there were unlikely to be real consequences for the drivers getting in his way, but Seb could win this. He really could. He just had to stay out of reach of that Mercedes and its powerful engine.

“Blue flag, blue flag!” appealed Sebastian desperately once more as one of the Haas cars failed to move aside.

 

“Come on,” complained Mark. “Are you blind mate? Get out of his way.”

 

“Honestly!” Seb exclaimed as he finally got by.

 

Mark couldn't help but huff a laugh hearing that. He turned his head to look at Teddy resting into his shoulder, then smiled to see his son was fast asleep.

“ _Honestly_ ,” Mark whispered. “Not exciting enough for you kiddo?”

Teddy merely shuffled into him so Mark kissed his tiny nose.

“S’alright mate. I’ll watch Papa for both of us. You have a little rest if you want.”

He took a slow breath in, resolving to stay calm if only for Teddy’s sake. Three laps to go now, but at least Sebastian had made it past those back-markers at last and was in free air. Bottas was now having to negotiate his way through them, but he had the advantage that the group were now well aware of the presence of leading cars coming through and were quicker to move out of his way.

 

Sebastian knew that would be the case, but he had no time to waste thinking about it. Instead he focussed all his efforts on pushing, _pushing_. He even set a fastest lap as he hared around the circuit as if his tail was on fire. As one more circuit was completed Seb could definitely see silver in his rear-view mirror, but it was some distance yet.

 

Mark puffed a breath out to see the gap was now down to less than three seconds: Still outside the measurement for DRS, but at the rate it was falling there might be one last chance for Bottas to get it at the end of this lap.

Seb kept on pushing as hard as he dared, but his RedBull just wasn’t as powerful as the Mercedes and he was visibly nearer now. As they shot through the DRS measurement point Seb called out on the radio.

“How close? Is he under a second?”

His voice sounded a full octave higher than normal, but Sebastian thought he was doing well not to scream it. There was a pause, then the reply.

“1.2 seconds. He’s outside, but you’ve _got_ to push to stay ahead.”

 

Sebastian restrained himself from asking what the hell they thought he had been doing until now. He had no time for that. It wasn’t time for talking. He had no spare brain capacity anyway. Everything was focussed on going as fast as possible, braking as late as possible, feeding the car perfectly through the bends and coaxing every last bit of power out of the engine.

Bottas aped his every move and it felt as though the two cars must be connected they were so close now. Coming up to the other DRS zone Seb didn’t need to ask if the Mercedes was within a second. He had to be. As they straightened up Sebastian knew he was going to try for the pass and it was no surprise to see him nosing alongside, but Seb was still ahead. He knew it had to be because this was the shorter straight, but he had no time to analyse it before going round the next bend and on until they were coming back around to the start-finish straight again about to begin their final lap.

 

The Mercedes was still on him and this time Sebastian felt as though the DRS straight was about a mile long. With less drag and a more powerful engine it was all too easy for Bottas to chose his moment and pull up the inside, level, then just ahead, both cars leaving it as late as they dared to brake for the sharp right turn at the end. Seb accepted there was nothing more he could do to get ahead now, so he braked first, knowing that Bottas was already in position for the corner. But then to everyone's surprise, including it seemed Bottas himself, it turned out that the Finn had left braking too late for even the Mercedes to handle.

There was a sharp puff of tyre-smoke and an audible screech of brakes as Valtteri tried to hold it before realising the only thing to do was to allow the car to go where it wanted, which apparently was straight onto the nice smooth tarmac of the immaculately painted run-off area.

 

Back home Mark’s mouth was wide open as he saw the situation unfold. The Mercedes was painfully slowly arcing back towards the track whilst Sebastian took the corner at what turned out to be a more realistic speed and continued on ahead.

He blinked as if he could hardly believe what had just happened. Mark guessed Bottas had decided that bailing out was the better option to completely ruining his tyres, but even the preternaturally unflappable Finn surely had to be fuming inside his helmet right now.

“Go on sweetheart, _go go_ ,” encouraged Mark, keeping his voice low so he didn’t wake his son lying just inches away from his mouth.

 

Bottas now had Verstappen on his heels to worry about whilst Seb was beyond reach of the one second gap for that very last gasp DRS zone. Neither Sebastian nor Mark were able to relax though. Seb kept on pressing all the way round, the circuit seeming longer than on any previous lap. It felt as though it took forever to get to the far end of the third sector, to reach the final bend before turning back at long last into the pit-straight with the chequered flag waving and most of the team apparently squeezing through gaps in the pitlane fence cheering and applauding.

“Well done Sebi. Fantastic!” praised Christian excitedly.

“Thanks. Thank you to all the team, to everybody, thank you. Wow!”

 

Mark huffed a little laugh at the fact Seb sounded surprised. He turned his head to look at Teddy.

“Tsk. Ah sweetheart. How could you sleep through that eh?”

He gave his son a kiss on the cheek, then went back to watching the cars all completing the race and coming in to Parc Fermé.

 

Sebastian bounced out of his car, pausing to wave into a camera he spotted before going over to celebrate with the gathered team. It felt like no time before he was up on the podium, looking out into the darkness at what was a fairly meagre crowd of race-goers. Instead he directed his attention down at the various teams gathered below, trying not to think about how it used to be when he had Mark to look for down there. Seb took a deep breath and gave his fellow podium winners congratulatory pats on the back.

Seb knew Mark wouldn't have been here anyway given where they were, so there was no point thinking about how nice it would have been to get a hug from him as he got out of the car, or how great it would be to spot that tall figure in the crowd with the proud smile just for him. Seb looked for the camera pointed at them and smiled as he waved once more. Mark was home supporting him just the same.

 

Mark smiled back at the television.

“Hey sweetheart, well done.”

He sighed as he glanced at Teddy once more.

“Darling you’re missing Papa winning.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head. Their son was too young to really understand anyway. It didn’t matter that he was asleep now. He gently rested his cheek by Teddy’s and for just a second Mark closed his eyes, imagining he could be there to experience this first hand: To see Seb’s eyes shining brightly with happiness at his success and get the chance to grab him at the barrier to Parc Fermé and whisper that he loved him into Seb’s ear above the noise.

Mark reopened his eyes to see the dignitaries coming out to assign trophies and was reminded that as the husband of a driver he might not be entirely welcome there. Teddy snuffled into his shoulder and Mark looked to check he was okay. The rowdy crush at Parc Fermé would be no place for their tiny son either, nor would the number of cameras around there be a good idea.

Nope it just wasn’t to be. It didn’t matter. Seb had won and that was the main thing. Mark took in a calming breath, trying not to get too emotional about it all when he didn’t want to disturb his son who might be confused and upset if woken by his father getting worked up.

“Well done darling, well done,” repeated Mark quietly as the fake champagne was sprayed around.

 

 

As Sebastian sat in the winners press conference after the race he tried to make sure he found a way to subtly thank his family as well as the team without inviting more enquiries on that front. He was pretty sure all the media were well aware he was here alone this weekend and after getting questioned about it at the previous race, they seemed to have accepted that was how things were, so he didn’t want that topic reopened.

“So Sebastian is this a special win for you?”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“All wins are special, but it’s pretty nice.”

“You sounded quite stressed on the radio towards the end.”

Sebastian was tempted to ask how the reporter thought _they_ would react in the circumstances, but he simply gave a little tip of his head.

“Heat of the moment. It was very close towards the end, so yeah the adrenaline was definitely flowing that’s for sure.”

“Will you be having words with either Max or some of those backmarkers who you thought weren’t quick enough to react to the blue flags?”

Sebastian gave a shake of his head.

“Like I said, heat of the race. It’s done now.”

 

“Seb do you think you were handed this win to an extent, given Lewis’s breakdown?”

Seb could only shrug, not wanting to point out too bluntly that the question was a rather ungracious way of knocking him down in the moment of his triumph.

“In my experience nobody hands you anything in F1. You have to take it. So that’s what I did today. I took the opportunity and it paid off. There was certainly nothing easy about winning this race.”

He smiled, presenting his usual confident self to the world. In truth Seb knew he had got a little bit lucky, but that wasn’t what you said to the press as Britta had already reminded him as they walked here. As someone began questioning Bottas about the reliability of the Mercedes engines Sebastian thought how his assistant hadn’t given him his phone this time. He guessed she knew he would have never come straight in here if he got on to Mark. Britta knew him too well.

“Sebastian, would you say that today proved that age-old adage; To finish first, first you have to finish?”

Seb paused as he followed that reporter’s quote, then nodded as he grasped what he was trying to say.

“Sure, that sounds about right to me,” he agreed.

“So was that why you thanked the team at the end? For giving you a more reliable car than Lewis’s?”

Seb frowned.

“Um, I thanked them for all they do. It’s a big operation, not just in the garage who do an amazing job of course, but the whole team here and back in Milton Keynes. Without the entire team’s work I’d be walking round the track and I’m pretty sure I wouldn't have reached my first pitstop yet if that was the case.”

There was a little ripple of appreciative laughter at his joke, then Seb continued.

“Seriously though, of course I want to thank them. My point is I’m nothing without their support and _all_ the support I rely on to get me here. This win belongs to all who make it possible.”

Sebastian stole a quick glance to Britta lurking over to the side. He was walking the line again, but a stubborn part of him always wanted to find a way to thank Mark and the rest of his family, even if he was the only one to get the code. It would have to do for now.

  


Mark had put Teddy down in his crib in front of him and was settled back on the sofa by the time Seb was out in the pen doing his interviews there. He sat up as the Channel 4 crew bagged him and Mark saw that familiar smile broaden for Lee.

“Seb, congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

“Would it be fair to say you weren’t really expecting this win today?” she enquired.

“Ah, I guess, but you never know what’s going to happen really. I think it’s a mistake to think you can predict a race outcome. I’ve been in Lewis’s place before now and I can tell you it truly sucks to have a race ruined by mechanical problems, but that’s just how it goes sometimes.”

“You sympathise then?”

“Sure. I mean not to the extent I was going to get out to go and say sorry or anything.”

Off camera Lee MacKenzie laughed.

“No indeed, nor for Bottas going wide near the end there.”

“Nope. Just how it goes,” shrugged Seb, looking distinctly not sorry.

“It was a pretty exciting race to watch.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Happy to oblige, though I think if we’re honest, any one of us would settle for leading from the line to the end with a comfy thirty second gap to the rest of the field, but I guess that wouldn't make very good TV.”

“No that’s true,” concurred Lee. “So you’re having a pretty decent start to the season. What would you put that down to?”

Sebastian paused, considering for a moment making a glib joke about his amazing driving being the main reason, but as he looked at the camera lens pointed at him Seb thought about those viewing at home and changed his mind.

“I put it down to all the work the team do, a great car, a good day, or night should I say in this case, and having the most amazing backing a person could have to enable me to do this.”

He looked right down the camera, feeling in his heart sure that Mark was somehow looking right back at him. It only lasted a moment, then Seb caught Britta's eye and looked back to Lee.

“I know how fortunate I am,” he completed.

Lee nodded.

“Well hopefully that luck will continue.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“We all need a bit of that too.”

 

Lee thanked him to end the interview and as the cameraman lowered his equipment to check it, Sebastian ignored Britta about to move him on for a second and leaned in to Lee.

“Thanks.”

“What for?”

“For not asking the follow-up you could have then.”

Lee smiled, not needing to point out that over the years she had learned that to get trust from those you interviewed you had to show you were trustworthy. Far better to talk to a friendly face than a combatant in her opinion.

“Say hi to Mark for me,” was her wry reply.

“Will do,” agreed Seb.

Britta led him on, Seb still hoping that once he had done this he might at last get his phone handed to him.

 

Mark sat at home letting out the longest sigh. He didn’t needed any decoding to understand what Seb had been saying. He didn’t care if anyone else grasped what Seb had meant. All Mark cared about was the look in his husband's eyes as he had said ‘amazing’ just then.

“I think you’re pretty amazing too sweetheart.”

Mark sighed again, knowing he was feeling pretty emotional. He had already texted Sebastian and indeed half his family and friends while he waited to speak to him, but he picked up his phone again. Mark leaned over the crib and took a photograph of Teddy sleeping peacefully, pausing to look at the picture before he sent it. Their son’s mouth was partly open, his lovely round cheek pressed down to the side, those perfect blonde lashes framing closed eyes that showed no sign of opening despite everything that was going on.

Mark smiled and wrote a message to go with it.

MARK: All too much for some. Love you XXX. I know you’re busy darling, but call me if you get chance. I want to give you the biggest hug. I’m so proud of you.

Mark: P.S. I’m almost as worn out as him. That last lap, blimey. Luck had nothing to with it. You were awesome!

He sat back as he sent the additional text and rested his head on the sofa wondering how he managed to get through any of these races. It was only half past six, but in all honesty once he had got chance to speak to Seb, Mark thought a lie down on the sofa would genuinely be a very good idea.

 

 

Sebastian smiled as he scrolled through his messages on the phone that had finally been returned to him by Britta as they walked back to the RedBull base in the paddock. He considered ringing Mark as they walked, but despite being gone half-past eight at night now, the paddock was still fairly busy and Seb wanted it to be a private conversation. He consoled himself with gazing distractedly at the picture of Teddy sleeping, nearly walking into Britta as she got a little ahead of him.

“Oh sorry,” he apologised as he looked up.

Britta shook her head.

“Maybe save it for your room?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah. I’m just gonna make a few calls if I’ve got time?”

As she held the door open for him into hospitality Britta nodded.

“Sure. Just don’t forget they want to get going with the debrief, so twenty minutes and I’ll come get you.”

 _So you don’t sit there talking all night keeping everyone waiting,_ she didn’t add.

“Okay.”

 

They paused at the point where they would part; Seb off to his room, Britta to do more follow-up work with the media.

“So twenty minutes then?” she reminded him.

Sebastian smiled at her hint.

“Yeah it’s okay. To be honest I really want to make a quick getaway so I don’t want to hang around longer than I need to,” he admitted.

Britta huffed a laugh.

“You and everybody else Sebastian,” she noted dryly.

“Sorry.”

“No it’s okay. This is a good day. You did great.”

“Thanks.”

Seb leaned in and gave her a hug.

“You know when I say I couldn't do this without having the best people supporting me, you know you’re one of them, right?”

Britta was taken off guard, which was in itself pretty surprising for her and Seb laughed at her being stuck for words for once.

“I don’t say it often enough,” he added.

Britta could only shrug.

“Thanks.”

“No thank you. Right, better go grab a shower and then make those calls and not keep you or them waiting any longer. See you in a bit.”

With that Sebastian was gone and Britta was left shaking her head as she walked away. Having Seb in ebullient mood resulting from a win was a pretty nice problem to have in the scheme of things.

 

Already in his room Sebastian shut the door behind him, pressing dial the moment he was alone. Sod the shower, he couldn’t wait another moment to call Mark so he could finally share this moment with him, even if it was only virtually. Anything more than that was going to have to wait. Seconds later that lovely warm smile he missed appeared on his phone screen and Sebastian felt happier than ever.

“Hello Liebling.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at how bouncy Seb sounded.

“Hey sweetheart. Well, wow indeed...”

 

For a few minutes they got to share their happiness, Teddy sleeping on, seemingly entirely unaffected by his parents’ excitement at how the race had gone today. Seb didn’t mind though. As Mark moved his phone to show him their dozing son all Seb could think about was how soon he could get home so they could all be together again. Sharing hugs with the guys in the team was nice and he planned to do more of that once he got to go back down to the garage after the debrief to say thank you and enjoy their joint success, but it wouldn't be a patch on the hug he really wanted. For now though that would have to wait.

  


 

 

 

In his sleepy brain Mark sensed a movement beside him. He was so used to leaping awake when Teddy needed him that part of Mark was always on alert, but now he cracked an eye open at the same time as a far larger person slipped into bed with him, one arm sliding over his waist. Mark smiled and turned to look.

“Hello darling.”

“Oh, I was trying not to wake you Liebling.”

Mark stretched to give Seb a kiss.

“That’s alright.” He fitted his arms around Seb in turn and pulled him close. “I’m just glad you’re home. What time is it?”

“Nearly three am.”

Mark sighed and half glanced back in the direction of the crib beside him.

“He’ll be up for a feed in a bit. S’probably why I woke.”

“Sorry.”

“No no.” Mark gave Sebastian a squeeze and another kiss. “Welcome home. I’m so proud of you darling.”

Sebastian felt an extra warm glow in addition to the nice one he already had from being back in Mark’s arms where he longed to be.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“I wished I could be there,” Mark admitted.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“Me too, but it’s okay.” He took in a deep breath and leaned more over Mark. “I’m just glad to be home.”

 

He shuffled up to be almost level with him, then kissed Mark before lifting up a little to look at him in the low light of the bedroom. Mark let go one hand from holding around him and put it at the side of Sebastian’s face.

“Ah I really did want to be there,” he sighed.

“I know.”

“Yeah.”

Mark stroked his thumb over Seb’s cheek as they looked into each other’s eyes.

“It’s okay Liebling,” reassured Seb, leaning in for another kiss.

“’kay,” agreed Mark. He huffed a little laugh. “At least we have plenty of time at home to celebrate.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh in reply.

“True, but maybe not right now.” He lay down on Mark, resting his head on his shoulder. “I’m so tired Liebling. Those last laps...”

 

Mark felt the sigh against him and nodded. It felt as though he had experienced every one of them with him.

“Yeah. We should get some sleep while we can.”

“Mmm.”

Closing his eyes Sebastian felt Mark smooth over his back.

“Am I squashing you? Should I move?” he mumbled.

Mark shook his head and kissed Seb’s forehead.

“No darling, you’re right where I want you.”

He saw a lovely smile round his husband's cheeks and Mark smiled back. God it felt good; to have his Seb pressed in, lying in his arms, home in bed, to see him smile like that and know he had put that there and made him happy. He let out an accidental yawn, then took his own advice and closed his eyes feeling content and relaxed as each of them could only be when they were together. He felt as though he ought to have said more to congratulate him but Seb was plainly as knackered as Mark himself was, for now just holding each other would say all they needed to know.

 

 

Though both of them really could have done with a nice long sleep, that wasn’t really an option when they had a fourteen week old baby. It felt as though they had barely fallen asleep when their son woke them. Seb was sure he ought to volunteer to go down to make the bottle, but Mark couldn't miss the signs of physical exhaustion in his body as Seb forced his arms to push himself off him.

“No darling I’ll go,” he insisted.

Seb wanted to argue, but he didn’t have it in him.

“Okay, do you want to pass him to me?”

Nodding, Mark sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed to lift their crying son out of his crib beside him.

“Shh now darling. Look, Papa’s home.”

Mark kissed his son’s wet cheek, then wiped them dry before turning to see Seb now propped up against the pillows waiting to take him. He handed Teddy over, Sebastian giving him a kiss as well.

“Hey now Schatz,” soothed Seb, “shh, Daddy’s going to get your bottle. It’s okay, it’s okay. Oh how I have missed you Kleiner.”

 

Mark slotted his bare feet into waiting slippers and left Seb hushing the baby to go down, returning a few minutes later to climb back into bed with them, passing over the bottle before tucking the duvet around them. As Teddy quieted now he had his milk, Mark fitted his arm around Seb who leaned into him.

“I’ve missed this so much,” sighed Seb.

Mark chuckled.

“Being woken in the night?”

Seb gave him a look.

“No, _this_ , us being all cosy together. It’s nice.”

“Yeah, it is sweetheart,” Mark concurred.

He let out a tired little sigh. It was a slightly odd, spaced-out togetherness, but it was so much better to share it with Seb than to plod on alone in the middle of the night. Mark was looking forward to his husband taking a little of the weight for the next week, not _always_ having to trek downstairs in the dark and change every nappy. They both needed this little break between races.

 

 

There was no real hope of a lie-in, so by the time Pauline came around as usual, the whole family was up in the kitchen having already eaten breakfast. As she let herself in Pauline smiled to see Mark and Seb sat together at the kitchen table, the dogs at their feet and Teddy in Seb’s arms as they drank tea.

“Well now, isn’t this a lovely sight to see,” she greeted.

Seb and Mark both looked up, realising they hadn’t heard her arrive and of course the dogs hadn’t barked when they thought of her as one of the family. Only now did they get up, trotting over the tiled floor to be petted.

“Yes, hello boys,” she smiled, putting her bag down to the side to give them a stroke before escaping to reach the table.

Pauline placed a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder.

“Seb dear, so wonderful. My Henry and I were watching the race. It really was magnificent. Well done.”

“Thank you.”

“Magnificent, there’s a good word,” teased Mark.

Sebastian looked back down from Pauline to him.

“Oh, well, I know I wouldn't have won if Lewis’s engine hadn’t gone.”

“Ah no darling, don’t do that, it was a wonderful win,” stopped Mark. “I was teasing Pauline not you. Sorry Pauline.”

Pauline shook her head.

“I know you too well,” she replied. “I’ll forgive you if I can have a Teddy cuddle.”

Mark looked to Seb.

“Willing to give him up for a mo?”

Pauline went to open her mouth as she realised that of course Seb must have been missing his son while away, but he was already preparing to pass him over.

“Are you sure?” she checked.

“Course.”

Pauline pulled out a chair to the other side of Sebastian and accepted the baby, giving him a smile before looking back to his parents.

“When did you get home?” she enquired of Seb.

“Oh early hours.”

“You must be tired.”

“Mm.” Sebastian reached to place his hand in Mark’s. “I’m sure Mark is too.”

“I’m okay sweetheart. Pauline, do you want a cuppa?”

“I’m fine dear. If you’ll forgive me I think you both look tired. Why don’t you go back to bed for an hour and let me look after Teddy for a bit?”

 

Mark looked to Seb who squished his face about. Having been away so long Seb didn’t want to be parted from his son, but perhaps just for a little sleep? He really was tired now all the initial elation from the win had passed.

“Umm, I dunno… Liebling?”

Mark puffed a breath. Teddy did look pretty content with his Auntie Pauline.

“Hm, that’s very kind of you Pauline. Are you sure?”

“Course I’m sure.”

“Well… I suppose a decent nap wouldn't go amiss. You could just skip anything else today.”

“I’m in no rush.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. You could take the dogs for a walk after while I do the hovering.”

 

Mark looked to Seb and gave him a flick of his eyebrows. That did sound tempting. The idea of a proper nap without always subconsciously listening out for a snuffled breath or murmur that was the precursor to their son bawling for one reason or another would mean they slept better surely?

“I guess just for an hour,” he relented, looking to Seb to check he agreed.

“Okay,” nodded Sebastian who turned to Pauline. “He’s had his second bottle and we changed him about an hour ago.”

“We’re well set then, aren’t we chick?”

Pauline smiled down to Teddy while Mark checked Seb’s mug was empty as his was.

“Shall we go up while the going is good then?” he prompted.

“Guess we’d better,” Seb agreed. He turned to Pauline. “Our guardian angel as ever.”

 

Pauline smiled happily and sat a little taller. The other two got up and with more thanks and reminders that she come fetch them if she needed anything or if Teddy fussed for them, finally left her to it. Seb turned to Mark as they reached the foot of the stairs.

“Should we feel guilty about doing this?”

Mark shook his head.

“No. We’re only upstairs. Bet we’ll still hear him if he cries.”

“Mm, I guess.”

Mark leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“We’ll be better for a proper little nap, then we can actually enjoy spending time with him.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Always best to do as Auntie Pauline tells you.”

Sebastian smiled and Mark took his hand to lead him upstairs. Just an hour’s hopefully undisturbed sleep would be golden.

 

 

An hour and half later they strolled up the hill in bright April sunshine, still hand-in-hand and feeling far better for a good rest. Sebastian had insisted on being the one to take Teddy in his carrier and Mark wasn’t about to object. The dogs ran about back and forth along the path, seeming to be in as good a mood as their masters. As they rushed back once more Mark gave them a rub, then shooed them out from underfoot before leaning closer to Teddy at Seb’s front.

“You’re very quiet young man. How come you don’t choose to be like this at half three in the morning?”

Sebastian stroked over the baby’s wisps of blonde hair.

“He wasn’t that bad last night.”

“Hmm.”

“And he was very good for Auntie Pauline, weren’t you Schatz?”

Teddy continued pressing his round little cheek into Seb’s hoody-clad chest so Mark just shook his head and stood straighter up to look at Seb.

“Fair enough. Perhaps if we do a good long walk now he might be feeling nice and sleepy this afternoon.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Another little nap Liebling?”

Mark grinned and gave him a wink.

“Well let’s just see how we’re all feeling later shall we?”

Seb huffed a laugh and nodded. His life at the moment always felt like he was chasing time; chasing time on track and doing everything else he had to fit in at races, hurrying from pillar to post to fulfil all his myriad of duties, chasing to get back to his hotel to call home, to get sleep, to get home again, to get enough time with his son to make up for being away. He was tired of it. Seb just wanted to forget about schedules and pressure and his whole life being planned. In the back of his mind Seb couldn't forget that in ten days time he would be off again, but for now he wanted to do all he could to ignore that and just _be_ for a while – Just be a normal person and let go of all that stress.

As they crested the hill Seb looked out at the beautiful view of the countryside in full spring bloom and let out the longest breath. Mark smiled and put his arm around him.

“Better?”

Seb smiled at how Mark could read him.

“Yes Liebling. Much better, thank you.”

 

 

 

After lunch they sat on the sofa with the house to themselves once more. Mark had put the previous day’s race on for them to watch together and Seb hadn’t objected, even if it was a bit weird to watch yourself. He still enjoyed seeing how the whole puzzle of a race fitted together from a different perspective and catching up with all the things he had missed elsewhere in the race. They cuddled up, Teddy held by Seb with Mark’s arms wrapped around them both. Sebastian rested his head on Mark’s shoulder as they watched, occasionally turning to look at him.

“It’s so nice not to be rushing around,” he commented.

Mark smiled.

“Ironic when we’re watching you doing exactly that.”

“Mm, that’s what I mean though Liebling,” Sebastian explained. “Sometimes I feel like I’m still racing hours afterwards.”

“That’s the adrenaline darling.”

“I guess, but it’s almost physical, as if I can feel the air rushing past me. Like an echo. Do you understand what I mean?”

“I think so.”

“Like… Okay, so you know how if you’ve been in the sea going up and down in the waves for a while and afterwards on the beach when you lie down that motion is still there with you?”

Mark gave a slow nod.

“Yeah I suppose so.”

“It’s like your brain is tricking you.”

“Mm and it’s adjusting I suppose,” contributed Mark. “I’m not sure the human body was really designed to travel at such speeds, so perhaps that might be part of it.”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re tired after a race, so there’s that to factor in.”

Sebastian nodded.

“It takes a while to wear off. On the plane when I’m falling asleep I really feel it when I’m alone.”

“When you’re alone?” frowned Mark.

“Well when I’m with you you’re usually holding onto me. On the plane I mean.”

Mark smiled, but he knew it was true.

“Right.”

“And if I drift off sometimes I jerk awake and it’s the strangest thing, like I could still feel it in my sleep.”

“Maybe you race in your dreams?”

“Maybe. I don’t really remember. It’s not…” Seb turned a fraction more to him. “I’m not complaining.”

“No that’s alright.”

“It’s just nice not to have that now. When I’m with you it’s like you anchor me and I feel steadied.”

Mark kissed his temple.

“You know I’d rather be with you on the plane.”

Sebastian gave him a half smile.

“I’d rather skip that bit altogether.”

“Our luxurious plane not good enough?” teased Mark.

“Tsk, _no_. I’d just rather be home instantly.”

Mark nodded.

“I know. Me too. Ah well, home now. Oh, look sweetheart, here we go.”

 

They sat and watched the last part of the race as things hotted up, Mark feeling oddly tense towards the finish despite knowing it had ended well. As Seb’s car crossed the line on TV Mark turned and gave him another kiss.

“Well done darling. That really was something.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You know I was sure I was going to lose it. I sound crazy on the radio yelling for those blue flags, but I was convinced he’d get by if they held me up.”

“He might have.”

Seb let out a sigh.

“I always think of Austin 2012 when Lewis passed me because of that. I was so annoyed.”

Mark huffed a little laugh, then apologised.

“Sorry.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Five years, I guess I should get over it and I am I suppose, but that sort of thing plants itself in your head, the worry that it’ll happen again and you’ll lose when there’s nothing you can do.”

“Except yell on the radio.”

“Yeah. God knows what people must think.”

“They’ll think you want to win. Totally reasonable darling.”

“Mm.”

“Anyway, it worked, they moved, you won. Happy ending.”

“Guess so.”

“And it certainly wasn’t luck,” emphasised Mark. “You drove a phenomenal race.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thank you. Phenonmenamen.” He giggled and tried pronouncing the word again. “Phenomanom.”

Mark chuckled along, then sang the tune from _The Muppets_ ;

“Mahna-mahna, ba-bah ba-na-nah.”

Sebastian laughed again and shook his head.

“I think my brain’s too worn out to say it.”

“Silly word anyway. Oh hey, you know Teddy was trying singing while you were away.”

“Was he?”

“Well, sounded like it to me. Maybe he’ll try again now you’re home?”

Sebastian chuckled, then looked down to Teddy.

“He’s not fussed about any of this is he?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Had his bottle. He always likes a nice afternoon nap post lunch. To be honest darling I think he’s just happy his papa is home.”

 

Sebastian nodded. It was actually nice to know his son didn’t care if he had won or lost. Teddy loved him either way, just as Mark did, and that was a positive, not a negative. It was nice to hold him like this too, but Teddy was fast asleep now.

“Liebling.”

“Mm?”

A smile spread over Sebastian’s face.

“Do you think he’d be okay if we put him down in the nursery for a little sleep?”

Mark smiled back, knowing what Seb was hinting at.

“I think he’ll be just fine. Shall I carry him?”

 

 

Seeing as he had been holding him for so long, Seb nodded and let Mark take the baby to carry him with them upstairs. They placed him in his cot with only a slight murmur and movement from their son as they tucked the blanket around him, then stood watching for a moment.

“Totally out for the count,” observed Mark.

“Yeah.”

“I reckon we should go while we have the chance.”

Sebastian nodded and they paused only to switch on the baby monitor and collect the receiver to take through before exiting the nursery and closing the door behind them.

  


Neither of them wanted to waste any alone time they got together when it was rare these days, so once the bedroom door was shut behind them it didn’t take long to divest themselves of clothes and find the bed. One gentle nudge in the right direction and Mark was lying back as Seb crawled up him. Being pounced on in this way was so unexpected that he almost laughed, but Mark knew that would not be a good idea right now. Instead he submitted to delicious sensation of those lovely lips all over him. He closed his eyes to concentrate on it, only opening them as Seb’s lips were on his own and Mark felt his body lie flat against him.

Damn, maybe absence really did make the heart grow fonder? He didn’t think they actually needed any help on that score, but the need in his husband's kiss spurred Mark on, thinking of all the kisses they missed when apart. He gasped a little as Seb’s tongue entered his mouth, a part of his brain still wanting to tease him for being so enthusiastic, but why waste time doing that when Mark was just as keen? The feeling of Seb’s naked body pressed against his own was so arousing Mark hardly knew how he was stopping himself from just flinging him back on the bed to hurry things along.

The kiss might be passionate, but Mark could tell from its slowness that Seb had no wish to hurry this, even if they were both praying that the monitor on the side didn’t burst into life to kill the moment. He sent his hands over Sebastian’s body, down the curve if his back, down down to reach that perfectly formed arse that Mark also missed when Seb was away. As he grasped it Seb finally lifted away to see the teasing grin on Mark’s face.

“Sorry darling. I just can’t help myself.”

In reply Seb merely smiled back, pressing his hips a little more into Mark to gain exactly the reaction he wanted. Mark took in a sharp breath and looked into those bright eyes.

“Damn.”

“Mmm.”

Mark chuckled as Seb moved against him again.

“Jesus darling, you know what you do to me.”

“Mm,” smiled Seb back, thinking he could be in no doubt about that right now.

 

He dipped his head back down to tease Mark a little more with lighter brushing kisses, all the while moving his body with a building rhythm.

“Fuck,” breathed Mark.

Sebastian giggled and that was it, Mark could hold back no longer. He rolled them over to lie on top, giving Seb a pretend narrowing of his eyes.

“Tease.”

“I’m not,” defended Sebastian. “You know what I want.”

“Mmm.”

Sebastian smiled in response to the expression on Mark’s face and lifted his head to whisper, knowing exactly what effect it would have on him.

“I want _you._ All of you,” he emphasised.

“Oh god,” groaned Mark, unable to restrain himself at that.

 

Mark leaned in to kiss him and without even thinking Seb parted his legs and raised up his knees, letting Mark automatically slot between. Mark took in a breath and their eyes locked, both more serious now.

“Don’t rush this,” appealed Sebastian breathily.

Mark nodded and paused to give him a more tender kiss.

“Course not darling. You never know when we might get the next chance.”

He pressed in another kiss, returning the favour by working his way over Seb’s skin, doing his best to keep things slow. It was pretty damn difficult when Seb arched his back like that though, lifting his hips and pressing into him in the most stimulating way when Mark didn’t think he needed any more encouragement if he was supposed to be holding off. Sebastian was starting to think he couldn’t slow down much longer either, not when he could feel how hard Mark was, not when he needed him, needed him, needed him.

“Oh, god, Liebling _please_.”

That was it. There was no way Mark could hold back when Seb’s voice went desperate and breathy like that. He lifted away a fraction and slid his hand down, reaching between Seb’s legs to illicit a moan that sent both their hearts racing.

Mark tried to distract himself a little by working on eliciting more of those delightful moans, pausing only to reach into the bedside drawer to grab the lube so he could take things further. Sebastian looked into Mark’s eyes feeling as though he was falling into those warm pools despite being the one lying beneath him. As Mark reached deeper Seb took in such a sharp intake of breath that Mark stilled for a moment, lowering in closer.

“You okay?” Mark checked.

Sebastian sought air and nodded.

“Yeah. Oh god yeah.”

 

The smile returned to Mark’s lips and he kissed him before repeating the action resulting in an even higher-pitched response. Seb lifted his head from the pillow to speak into Mark’s ear.

“I really need you right now.” He inhaled the scent of Mark at his neck and had to rush his words as he was sent dizzy by it. “Oh gott. Right now Liebling.”

Mark didn’t need further invitation. No more slowing things down when they both needed the same thing with equal urgency. Seb closed his eyes as Mark pushed inside him and kissed his neck at the same time, so close to falling over the edge straight away that he had to shut everything else out in order to hold on. He didn’t realise how literally he was doing that, gripping Mark’s shoulders until Mark pressed a more tender kiss to his lips and Seb reopened his eyes to look at him.

Mark was about to check he was okay when their attention was suddenly redirected as a noise came from the baby monitor they had almost forgotten was there. They both froze, listening carefully as Teddy audibly murmured. Neither spoke, each waiting to see what came next and hoping to god that it wasn’t their son crying at the worst moment. Ears strained as they picked up another more quiet murmur, but then silence resumed and they both let out sighs of relief.

Mark let out an unexpected little laugh, then lowered in to give Seb a kiss.

“Thank god for that.”

Sebastian couldn't stop himself looking sideways at the monitor.

“Is he okay?”

“He’s fine darling.”

Seb listened for another moment, then looked back to Mark, sufficiently reassured that their son was safely asleep.

“Sorry Liebling.”

Mark shook his head and Seb took in a breath to refocus himself. Mark brushed his nose against Seb’s wanting to pull him back to where they had been before they were interrupted. He lifted up a little.

“We good?”

Sebastian nodded.

“We’re good.”

Mark moved his hips a fraction and Seb smiled, not needing any more reminding of what precisely they were in the middle of. He automatically moved his own hips to flow with Mark, lifting up his legs to wrap around him and soon they were moving together, all thoughts of their son gone from their minds as they truly ceased to be two and were properly one as they longed to be. There was no need to think when instinct took over and they could just let go of all responsibilities and concerns, all thoughts of being parents and drivers and just be them, letting go of everything except each other.

 

 

As Mark sank into him Sebastian let out the longest breath and closed his eyes, barely feeling the mattress beneath him as he floated away. Mark rested his damp forehead into Seb’s as their chests moved together. He didn’t have enough brain cells operating yet to think about lifting away and all the strength had temporarily gone from Mark’s arms so they just lay together, fighting for the same breath.

The first thing that really registered with Seb was the sensation of Mark’s nose next to his, then the fact he was kissing him. Nether of them had the oxygen to spare, but Seb responded and they kissed anyway. Mark lifted away, taking in a deep breath and saw Seb looking at him.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey,” Seb breathed back, smiling to match Mark.

Mark huffed a little laugh and stole another kiss before finally moving as he appreciated he had to be crushing Seb like this, though he would never say. As Sebastian let out a gentle ‘ _mmphh’_ Mark slipped his arm under him and pulled Seb in so they were close again, knowing how they both needed that contact. Sebastian let out a long sigh as he placed his head into that perfect little nook by Mark’s shoulder and closed his eyes again as he rested in comfortably. He wrapped his arm around Mark’s chest and Mark held him in thinking how wonderful it felt to have his gorgeous husband’s body moulded to him like this when nowadays pyjamas were their usual bed attire.

Seb wasn’t thinking anything. He was floating again, floating but safe in Mark’s arms.

“Hmmm,” he let out vaguely.

“Hm?”

“Mmm. Mein Fels.”

Mark gave him a gentle squeeze.

“Yeah. Always.”

Mark smiled, appreciating how tightly Seb hung onto him, cheek pressed in, still breathing in time. The way Seb held onto him in these moments undid Mark every time. He thought it must surely be impossible to feel more important, more needed, or more loved. All he wanted to do was hold Seb in just as tightly to let him know he never wanted to let go.

“I love you so much,” Mark whispered into his hair.

Sebastian buried himself deeper into him.

“Mmm.”

Mark huffed a laugh. He knew that translated to ‘I love you too.” He didn’t need to hear it. He felt it. They both felt it.

“Just five minutes,” mumbled Seb. “We can have five minutes can’t we?”

Mark angled his head down to kiss his forehead.

“Yeah, hopefully sweetheart.”

He cast a glance past Sebastian to where the baby monitor sat beside the bed, but it was still miraculously quiet, so Mark smiled, thinking they had been lucky to dodge that close call earlier. Then he looked down to see that Seb’s eyes were closed and realised that his steady breathing meant Seb had immediately dropped off. Mark huffed a silent laugh thinking that seeing as the rest of the family were asleep he might as well join them, so he hauled the duvet over them before letting his own eyes fall shut.

 

 

They slept comfortably wrapped up together in their warm cocoon, unaware that half an hour had passed before the siren call of their crying son blasted from the baby monitor. Both Mark and Seb jumped awake, sitting up in dazed confusion as they looked to the empty crib beside them, then remembered that their son was in the nursery and it was an amplified sound they were hearing. Hurriedly untangling themselves, they did their best not to fall out of bed as they rushed to grab dressing gowns, pulling them on with barely as word as they sped to the nursery where they could hear Teddy crying first hand.

Mark reached down into the cot to lift the baby out, holding him against his chest and rubbing over his back.

“Shhh darling, we’re here. Daddy and Papa are here. It’s okay. It’s okay sweetheart, we’re here now.”

Teddy continued to bawl into his shoulder so Mark lay him down on his changing table to the side and began checking his nappy as Sebastian stroked over their son’s cheek to calm him.

“Ah,” noted Mark as he confirmed that was the issue and began changing him.

Seb helped and soon they had the job completed, redressing the baby and picking him back up. Seb leaned into Mark’s other side as he held Teddy, trying to get their son to look into his eyes.

“All changed now Schatz. It’s okay. Did you wonder where we were?”

“He’s alright,” assured Mark, still smoothing over Teddy’s back. He angled his head down to look as the baby subsided. “There now. All alright now.”

 

Sebastian gave Mark a smile thinking how wonderfully reassuring his voice was when it went soft and low like that. He was sure Teddy absorbed it as he did. Seb gently dried under his eyes with the edge of dressing-gown cuff and stroked over the baby’s head.

“See, all better now.”

He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling himself settle too. Mark smiled back at Seb and they went to stand by the nursery window looking out into the garden so they could all just take a moment as a family. He hitched Teddy a fraction higher to better hold him with one arm, then spared the other to wrap around Sebastian who pressed into the free side of his chest, fitting his arms around – one round Mark’s back, the other higher to help support their son. Seb placed the side of his head on Mark’s shoulder and they stayed close for a few minutes appreciating the return of peace now their son was quiet.

It had been a rather abrupt return to the ordinary realities of family life and it felt as though their consciousnesses were still catching up, perhaps Teddy along with his parents seeing as all three of them had been asleep only minutes earlier. Seb looked away from viewing the garden outside to gave Mark another smile and was pleased to receive a nice warm smile and a little squeeze back. Maybe it would have been nicer to get a longer sleep and not be stood here only in dressing-gowns with terrible bed-hair and in need of a shower, but that didn’t really matter. This mattered. It might not be very romantic almost falling out of bed to change nappies and calm a howling baby, but it was their ordinary life, the life they chose, and no matter how snatched these moments might be, they valued them and they would find a way to make this work.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the race part completely before the weekend, so it's odd that I not only got Seb's positions in quali and the race the same, but of course in RL Seb got that hug he wanted from Mark after the race, right there up on the podium ;)


	219. Another suitcase, another hall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, been rubbish with a cold, but promise to crack on now.

* * *

 

 

It was always the same. At the beginning of each break between races it seemed the days stretched out nicely, but all too soon they were shooting past and by the time one of them was packing for a new race it was as if the gap since the last one had been nothing at all.

Now that they had a child this was all the more so. Matters were made worse by the fact that little Teddy had to undergo his last round of vaccinations at the doctors on the Monday, so Seb felt even more guilty as he packed his case the following day while Mark nursed their howling son. Seb could hear the crying coming from the nursery as he knelt on the floor of their bedroom, attempting to squash in an extra of Mark’s hoodies to take with him. Sebastian sighed as the case wouldn't shut and closed his eyes wishing he didn’t have to leave them.

He knew it wouldn't be fair to ask Mark to bring Teddy along to the race, not when he wasn’t well. The flight to Russia would be a nightmare for all of them and Seb wouldn't put their son through that. It was a bit far anyway. When they had changed their plans and decided Seb would travel alone until the European part of the season he and Mark had already agreed that they weren’t going to get too technical with the geography. Sochi was a long way off and they had known they had the doctor's appointment planned before it. So that was that, but Seb still felt guilty he was going to be leaving Mark to cope on his own. The nurse had assured them that they didn’t need to worry if the baby reacted again to the jabs and that it should pass if he did, but so far poor Teddy was miserable and both he and Mark hated to see it.

Thinking of Mark, Seb knew he ought to go help while he could, so he stood up, then plonked himself down on the case and used his own weight to force it shut, zipping it closed and fixing the extra strap in place to hold it all together. Done. He stood, feeling better at least that now he could devote his remaining time to his family, then pushed the case near the door ready to go down before going through.

 

Mark turned to see the door open as he stood by the nursery window. He had been attempting to cheer Teddy up by pointing things out in the garden to him, but the little boy paid little attention as he pressed into his father sobbing piteously. Occasionally Teddy waggled his chubby legs that were bare seeing as he was only wearing his short under-babygro, wriggling about as if trying to protest further, though all it achieved was to make it harder for Mark to hold him.

“Hey,” greeted Mark, hitching Teddy up once more. “All done?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian came over and felt Teddy’s forehead. Still warm. He sighed and smoothed his wet cheeks before looking up to Mark.

“Can’t we give him more Calpol?”

Mark shook his head.

“It’s too soon darling.”

Sebastian sighed again.

“I hate seeing him like this.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah I know. Oh Schatz, poor little thing.” Seb looked back to Mark. “I can take him.”

 

Mark nodded. He knew Seb wanted time with their son before he left and besides his arms were aching from jigging him.

“Thanks.”

Sebastian lowered Teddy down and tried rocking him in his arms, both his parents looking down at the baby, his cheeks flushed pink and already wet again with tears.

“Shh Teddybär. We know, we know Liebling. You’ll feel better soon we promise.”

 

Mark puffed out a breath. God this was tiring. Teddy had kept them up half the night and with another race so soon for Seb he’d been back on duty doing all the getting up. Seb had tried insisting he should help, but Mark had enough to deal with worrying about their son without adding more concerns about his husband racing. He didn’t resent it, but he was exhausted. Sebastian turned to him.

“Liebling why don’t you go have a nap? You’ve done your turn, more than your turn.”

“Ah I dunno.”

“I’ve done all I need to do. Get a bit of sleep.”

Mark looked at their still crying son and huffed a dry laugh.

“Not sure that’s really on the cards sweetheart.”

“Well… I could take him out?”

Mark shook his head.

“You don’t have to. It’s okay.”

“You’ll be knackered.”

Mark paused. He already _was_ knackered.

“Why don’t you at least go for a lie down?” pushed Seb. “I can try a bottle, see if that helps?”

Mark tipped his head down to indicate the full bottle sat on the window ledge.

“Ah.”

“He didn’t want it. And I’ve checked his nappy,” Mark added. “More than once. He’s just suffering a little bit darling. All we can do is wait for it to pass.”

“Have you taken his temperature again?”

“Yep. No change.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I hate that I’ll be leaving you to cope on your own.”

“It should be forty-eight hours, then he’ll be okay.”

 

Sebastian squashed his face. That took them to tomorrow morning. He was setting off for his flight after lunch. If Teddy wasn’t any better by then he didn’t know how he was going to leave them.

“He’ll be alright,” repeated Mark.

Seb looked up and nodded.

“Yeah. Get some rest Liebling. It’s my turn.”

Mark took in a deep breath, then nodded. He kissed Seb’s cheek, then ducked in to do the same for Teddy.

“You’ll be alright soon kiddo. Papa look after you for a bit.”

 

Once Mark had gone to flop down on their bed for a while, Seb checked the nursery door was shut to block out as much noise as possible, then lifted Teddy higher to free a hand so he could operate the iPod now left in here. He put on the downloaded nursery rhymes from Jess’s book and went to find the book itself she had given them. Sitting in the rocking chair he balanced Teddy in one arm and propped the book open with his other hand. Seb looked down at his son.

“Ah Kleiner, shush now. You’ll wear yourself out. Let’s try Auntie Jess’s little songs, see if you like them.”

Slowly he began to rock the chair back and forth, keeping his eyes on Teddy to reassure him he was there. Then as his son quieted just a little Sebastian looked at the book again and angled it more so he could see the words before attempting singing softly along with the music playing. Seb didn’t think he was very tuneful and he suspected most English people would have no need to look at the lyrics for these traditional ditties, but he was still learning. At least it gave the baby a distraction from thinking about how uncomfortable he felt.

 

While Mark lay on the bed two rooms away he could still hear his son crying in the distance. He found it very hard to ignore the instinctive need to go to him, but Mark knew Seb was caring for Teddy and there was little he could do to help at this point. He closed his eyes thinking the pillow felt so nice and his head felt so heavy. Perhaps at least having a lie down for a while to rest even if he couldn't sleep would help? Just a little rest.

 

An hour later he sat up from where he lay on top of the duvet, blinking in surprise before rubbing at his face and looking at the time. Wow. He really had been tired to have dropped off like that. Mark shuffled over to the edge of the bed and only as he stood did he appreciate the fact he couldn't hear Teddy crying any more. Mark pulled back on the hoody he had removed before going back through to find Sebastian still sat in the rocking chair, now rocking gently whilst singing German nursery rhymes he remembered from his childhood. He looked up as he saw Mark entering the room and paused.

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“Don’t stop on my account darling.”

“He’s asleep now.”

“I noticed.” Mark came and ducked down by them, softly ghosting his hand over Teddy’s head. “Magic powers.”

“No Liebling he just wore himself out.”

“Yeah guess so.”

“You took the hard bit. He was already getting tired.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Ah well. Guess that’s why I slept so long.”

“Do you feel a bit better?” enquired Seb.

Mark nodded and raised himself up to kiss Sebastian’s cheek.

“Yes. Thank you.”

 

He looked at their son finally seeming peaceful, then glanced at his watch.

“Why don’t we put him down for a bit and leave him to sleep while we make dinner?” Mark proposed.

“Is it that late?”

“Nearly seven.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

Sebastian looked at Teddy. He didn’t like leaving their son alone when he wasn’t well, but perhaps while he was asleep it might be better to leave him in his quiet nursery away from the dogs and the sounds and smells of cooking that might disturb him.

“Do you think he’ll be alright?” Seb checked.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. We’ll take the monitor. Reckon he needs a good nap as much as I did.”

“Mm. Okay then.”

 

Mark slid his hands carefully under the baby and transferred him to the cot without disturbing him, not pulling the blanket over when Teddy was already too warm. Sebastian sorted out the monitor and when they were sure he was definitely safely settled they headed down.

“Hopefully if he has a good sleep he might actually have his bottle in a bit,” noted Mark as they walked into the kitchen.

Sebastian nodded as he set the monitor down, looking at it again to be absolutely certain it was switched on. Mark put his arm around him, knowing Seb was worrying.

“He’ll be alright darling.”

Seb took in a deep breath and nodded again.

“C’mon,” encouraged Mark. “Let’s see what we can scare up for dinner while we’ve got chance, yeah?”

“Yeah okay Liebling.”

Sebastian stayed leaning into Mark for just another moment, then set himself to the task. Teddy was resting. He’d be okay. And Seb would at least try to get their dinner cooking before he gave into the urge to go back up to check on him.

 

 

Half a dozen hours later Mark was back down in the kitchen, making up a bottle in the hope it might quiet their still distressed son. He wearily climbed the stairs, the sound of Teddy crying drifting down to meet him. They’d just been getting used to their son not waking them so often and now they were back to being kept up all night again.

As he walked back into the bedroom Seb looked up from where he sat in bed nursing a squalling baby and Mark shut the door then came to sit beside them, passing the bottle over so Seb could try fitting the teat into Teddy’s mouth.

It worked for approximately five minutes, then Teddy pursed his lips to push the bottle away. Sebastian sighed and looked to Mark, concern in his eyes.

“He’s hardly had any milk Liebling.”

“Do you want me to try?”

Sebastian wanted to ask why Mark thought he could do any better, but he was more worried about Teddy so he passed him over. Mark settled Teddy into the crook of his arm and retrieved the propped bottle resting in the crease of the duvet and tried again, only resulting in the baby crying louder.

“Nope. Not having it,” Mark accepted as he put the milk on the bedside cabinet.

There was a small part of Seb that was tempted to say he could have told him that, but it wasn’t worth it. They were all tired. Instead he picked up the dinosaur toy left at the side of the bed and tried holding it for Teddy to see.

“Here’s Dino Liebling. He wants to know why you’re so upset. Hm? Dino make you feel better?”

The baby reached out his arms and Seb placed the soft toy on his tummy so he could try holding it. Teddy dropped his crying down a notch or two, but he was still plainly unhappy.

“That’s something,” approved Mark. “Give it half an hour and we’ll take his temp again and see about giving him some more Calpol.”

“Alright.”

 

Mark leaned his head into Sebastian as they sat propped up by the pillows. He hoped Teddy would just drop off to save them the rigmarole of going through all that again. His eyes felt so heavy but Mark forced them open to look at Seb.

“Do you want me to take him through to the nursery so you can get some kip?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Liebling. I wouldn't sleep. I need to know he’s okay.”

Mark let out a long sigh, but there was no point arguing.

“Okay,” he relented.

“I’ll sleep on the flight,” Seb assured him.

“’kay.”

“And I get a full night at the hotel before I go in on Thursday. I’ll be alright Liebling.”

Mark nodded, then looked at Teddy who was still snivelling unhappily. He couldn't help hoping Teddy was better before Seb left, even if it felt selfish to want that at least in part because doing this on his own would be horrendous when he could barely keep his eyes open as it was. Mark stroked his son’s cheek knowing it was worse for him.

“Ah kiddo, not nice is it darling? And you can’t tell us how it feels. Poor little thing.”

He sighed as Teddy looked up at him and wished he could take away his discomfort, take it on him instead, but there was nothing to be done but what they were already.

 

 

At half past three in the morning they were struggling to take their son’s temperature again, Seb holding Teddy as Mark took the reading, the baby wriggling unhappily as they tried hushing him to keep him calm. Mark puffed a breath and showed Seb the gauge.

“Same.”

Sebastian sighed, but he wasn’t really surprised seeing as Teddy felt warm in his arms.

“Do you think we should take him back to the doctor's?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“She said only if it goes any higher or if it doesn’t go down after tomorrow.”

Sebastian lifted Teddy higher into him, feeling as though he could cry himself.

“Do you think he’s really suffering Liebling?”

“Well it’s not fun for him, but I don’t know darling. It’s just a mild fever. You just feel rotten when you’re poorly don’t you?”

“I guess.”

“He’ll be alright.”

“If he’d just sleep.”

“I know.”

Mark huffed another heavy breath and stroked over Teddy’s back.

“Calpol then?” prompted Seb.

“Yep.”

 

Mark looked for the bottle of medicine on the side along with the little plastic dosing syringe that he filled to the correct measurement. Sebastian turned Teddy back around, tipping him back a little as they did for his bottle so he hopefully swallowed the medicine without choking on it or spitting it out. Teddy however, who had been so keen to open his mouth to cry, now clamped it shut as Mark tried to place the tip of the syringe in there.

“C’mon sweetheart, this’ll make you feel better.”

Getting no response Mark looked to Seb.

“Can you help?”

Seb shifted Teddy into one arm and put his hand on Teddy’s chin to try to open his mouth, Mark hurriedly injecting the medicine inside.

“Now swallow it darling,” he instructed despite knowing their baby surely had no idea what he was saying.

Teddy pulled such an offended face at the taste of the medicated syrup in his mouth that Mark almost laughed, but then he saw Teddy was letting some liquid dribble out.

“No no no,” he rebuked.

Sebastian tipped Teddy back a fraction whilst Mark grabbed a tissue to wipe him and watched carefully to see their son had swallowed at least most of it down. After a moment Mark opened Teddy’s mouth to peer in.

“Right.”

“Do you think he had enough?”

“Yeah, only a smidgen lost. You don’t want to give him too much.”

“No spose not.”

Both parents huffed a breath, glad to have achieved their task, then Teddy broke the pause by howling with increased vigour causing Seb and Mark to sag in despair.

 

It was nearly four am before Teddy finally fell asleep and they felt they could put him into his crib. Mark and Seb crawled back under the duvet feeling pure exhaustion grip them. Sebastian pressed into Mark to whisper.

“I feel like we’re torturing him.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“We’re doing all we can.”

“Why does he keep reacting to them?”

“The jabs? Ah I don’t know darling. I think plenty of kids do.”

“Do you think it’s cos he’s small for his age?”

“Maybe.”

“He will be okay won’t he Liebling?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and snuggled closer.

“I just want him to be okay.”

“I know. Me too. He will be.”

“Okay.”

Seb closed his eyes seeing as he could hardly keep them open any longer.

“He’ll be okay,” he mumbled.

“Yeah,” concurred Mark closing his own eyes.

Ten seconds later they were both asleep.

 

 

 

It had been some time since they had needed to bother with alarms, but to their surprise when they woke it was long past light and when Seb checked he saw it was nearly half past seven. He whispered this information to Mark and then the pair of them climbed out of bed, now worried why Teddy hadn’t woken them. They leaned over the crib listening carefully to their son breathing, if rather heavily. Sebastian let out a relieved breath of his own. For a horrible moment he had fretted that something terrible might have happened.

“Why isn’t he awake?” he asked Mark in a hushed voice. “He’s normally had his bottle by now.”

Mark shrugged.

“I think he’s exhausted himself. Poor kid.”

Sebastian pouted, still looking down with concern so Mark put his arm around him.

“We all needed some sleep darling. Let’s just be grateful to get some, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

 

Sebastian slipped his arm around Mark’s waist and they stood watching over their son for a few moments, but he didn’t stir apart from his little chest going up and down. Mark went to put his hand on Teddy’s forehead, but Seb grabbed it to stop him.

“I was just going to feel if he’s warm,” defended Mark.

“You’ll wake him.”

Mark sighed, but he supposed Sebastian might be right so he lowered his hand away as Seb let go of it.

“Alright, best leave him to sleep. Why don’t you get a shower? I’ll keep an eye on him.” Mark could see Sebastian hesitating and gave him a look. “Darling I won’t wake him.”

“Okay,” Seb agreed reluctantly, knowing he really did have to get on today.

 

They took turns to sort themselves out and get ready for the day, each taking turns to watch over their son, though they hardly knew what they were looking out for. Just as Mark was finishing getting dressed however, Seb noticed Teddy snuffling slightly as he moved his head and moments later his eyes opened. He hurriedly scooped him out of the crib, then looked to Mark as he sat down with him.

“Liebling he doesn’t feel so warm.”

Mark sat beside him on the bed and felt their son’s forehead at last, then smiled.

“Ah there we go.” He kissed where he had felt. “Feeling better mate, hm?”

“We should take his temperature,” asserted Seb.

“Yeah okay,” Mark nodded.

 

They both felt relief to find it was lower again. Not quite normal, but near enough. Sebastian let out the longest sigh and kissed Teddy’s head before gently hugging him closer.

“We should take him down for his bottle,” suggested Mark.

Sebastian nodded, then frowned.

“Why isn’t he crying for it? He should be hungry. Do you think he’s still tired out?”

“Probably. Bit run down, that’s all. On the mend now. At least we don’t have to do any more of this for a while.”

Seb nodded again, glad that this was the last in the round of innoculations they’d had to go through for now, but he wished Teddy could be back to how he usually was. Too quiet seemed as wrong as when he wouldn't stop crying, though it was admittedly a little easier on the ears.

“C’mon,” Mark prompted. “Let’s see how he gets on with some brekkie. That might perk him up a bit.”

“’kay.”

“Want me to take him?”

Seb shook his head and stood to carry their son down. Mark didn’t say anything, but he suspected he might have to prise Teddy from his papa’s arms when the car arrived to take him to the airport in a few hours time.

 

 

 

Sure enough not long after lunch they stood just inside the front door, Seb holding Teddy in his arms alongside Mark, the dogs at their feet, Seb’s bags already in the boot of the car waiting on the drive. Sebastian sighed heavily once more so Mark rubbed his arm.

“It’s only a few days and you’ll be back.”

“I know but it’s the worst timing. I just wish it was another week.”

“He’s much better darling.”

Sebastian sighed again and placed his cheek down against the wisps of blonde hair on their son’s head.

“He’s gonna be fine,” assured Mark.

“Mm.”

“I think it’s getting out of his system now.”

Seb lifted up and looked at him.

“Will you be alright looking after him?”

Mark let out a little laugh.

“I’ve done alright so far haven’t I?”

Sebastian pouted and pulled a face.

“I do want to do more.”

“Ah Seb I didn’t mean that.”

“I know it’s not fair on you.”

Mark shook his head.

“Darling I didn’t mean...” He sighed. “It’s fine. Teddy’s gonna be alright and I’ll get by on my own until you come back. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“And you do plenty, so let’s not be worrying about that again, right?”

“I can’t help it.”

Mark puffed a breath. Now really wasn’t the time for this discussion.

“Sweetheart it’s fine. You’ll be back in a couple of days then we have another ten day break.”

“My folks are coming on the Saturday.”

“Don’t you want them to?”

“Of course I do.”

“If you just want a rest?”

“No Mark it’s taken ages to sort and get them to agree to it.”

“Alright, well...”

“And I want them to come. I want Teddy to see them.”

“So it’s fine then.”

“I guess.”

“What is it?” pressed Mark.

“No I just feel bad leaving now.”

“Can’t help when the race is.”

“I didn’t say you could.”

Mark let out a frustrated breath.

“Seb I didn’t mean that. I meant _you_ couldn't. It’s just a couple of days.”

“Four days.”

“Right, well four then.”

“I’ll get home as soon as I can on Sunday.”

“I know you will. Sweetheart stop fretting. I really didn’t mean to make you feel bad about going.”

 

Sebastian sighed, feeling worse that they were arguing.

“Sorry.”

He swallowed, then felt a sudden rush as though he was going to cry.

“Sorry Liebling. I don’t want to argue.”

“Hey. Come on now. Here, pass him over.” Mark took the baby, then spared an arm to give Seb a hug. “Don’t get upset.”

“I don’t like arguing.”

Mark rubbed over his arm. Sebastian was so sensitive about these things, but he knew why.

“It’s alright. We’re not arguing.”

“Sorry.”

“And you don’t have to keep saying sorry.”

Sebastian rested his head by Mark’s shoulder.

“Sorry.”

“Tsk. Daft thing.” Mark kissed his temple. “Everything’s fine. We’re all just over-tired.”

“Yeah.”

 

Seb closed his eyes for a moment to calm himself, then stretched up to kiss Mark’s cheek then Teddy’s.

“I love you.”

“Love you too darling. Now, promise me you’ll sleep on the flight?”

“I promise.”

“Thank you.”

“Will you get a nap too?” enquired Seb.

“Sure. Whenever this young man decides it’s time, I’ll go up too.”

“Okay.”

“Now, before the driver leaves without you, you’d better get going.”

“Okay.” Sebastian stole another kiss. “I’ll call as soon as I get to the hotel.”

“Good. Have a safe flight.”

“Yep.”

Mark huffed a laugh at him failing to move away.

“Sweetheart you have to actually step outside the house to catch that flight.”

Seb scrunched his face. This parting felt harder than ever, but he nodded and tried to smile, promising again to call as soon as he could and restraining himself from asking if Mark would be okay when he knew that only made it sound as though he thought Mark couldn't cope. After that there was only time for a quick pet of the dogs, then a final goodbye and Seb found himself in that waiting car, waving goodbye to his loved ones on the doorstep and being driven inexorably away.

 

 

 

 

 

The next day Seb sat in his room at the hotel, peering in at the screen as he Facetimed with Mark who had only just had his breakfast while Seb was due to go begin his media duties at the circuit seeing as the time in Russia ran ahead of England.

“So it’s definitely looking better don’t you think?” encouraged Mark, his voice in the background.

Sebastian nodded as he scrutinized the red mark on their son’s leg currently close-up on the phone.

“I guess. It still looks sore.”

Mark lifted the phone up to show him and their son’s faces.

“Not as bad as it was though.”

“No okay.”

“And he just had a whole bottle.”

“Oh did he?”

Sebastian sat up a little, feeling better to hear that.

“So I think he’s really perking up today,” assured Mark. “And he slept alright last night.”

“Yeah okay. Good.”

“I’m gonna take him for a nice walk with the dogs after Pauline's got here. I think that’ll do us both good.”

“Righto.”

Mark smiled, glad that Seb sounded more positive.

“Now then. You all set for your press conference?”

“It’s not for a few hours yet.”

“I know, but just generally.”

“Oh, well yeah. It’s fine Liebling. Britta and I will have a chat about it, but to be honest it’s always easier after a win. They tend to have nice questions mostly.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Guess so. Well we’ll be watching.”

“Thanks. Only if it’s okay.”

“Course it’s okay.”

“No I mean with Teddy. If you don’t need to be doing something else at the time.”

“Oh, well I’m sure we’ll manage.”

“I’ll try to call before if I get chance.”

“Sure. Do you need to get going then?”

“Yeah I’m meeting Britta in the lobby.”

“Ah right, say hi from me.”

“Will do. I’m glad Teddy’s okay.”

“Me too. Right kiddo, bye to Papa.”

“Bye Lieblinge.”

 

 

As he shuffled across the back seat of the car to let Britta climb in next to him Sebastian was still thinking over his call. The driver set off and Seb nodded absently.

“I think it is going down.”

Britta raised her eyebrows at the random comment.

“Sorry?”

“Oh um, Teddy’s leg. Well where the jab was done. I think it’s looking better.”

“Right.”

“Sorry, I was talking to Mark and he showed me. You know I said it looked so sore and Teddy’s been poorly with it.”

“Yes, well, glad to hear that he’s doing better.”

“I mean I think it’s normal. It still looked red, but they usually take a while to heal and at least his temperature is back to what it should be, so that’s good isn’t it?”

“Mm,” nodded Britta, wondering how she was supposed to be a paediatric specialist now.

“I just feel bad leaving them, leaving Mark managing on his own, but I suppose if Teddy’s better now it’s not so bad.”

“I’m sure it’s fine. Now, for today...”

Britta succeeded in changing the subject. Fond as she was of Seb, she was a lot more at home discussing F1 than infants. She thought he seemed a little tired which she hadn’t expected after a good ten day break, but after a bit of a lie-in today it was an improvement on when he had arrived and once he was swept up into life at the circuit Britta knew her charge would be back on the case. He just needed a little guidance in the right direction to get him set off and they’d all be fine.

 

 

 

 

When they spoke over the weekend Mark had to admit that perhaps their son wasn’t quite himself just yet, but there was a guilty part of him that appreciated that Teddy seeming rather tired and passive wasn’t entirely the worst thing for him when he was on his own.

“Of course he’s saving up his sleeping for during the day,” Mark reported as he sat talking with Seb on the Saturday evening. “I took him out for a walk with the dogs before dinner and he just slept right through it in his pram.”

Sebastian was sat on his hotel bed. Despite it being nearly nine pm at his end he still hadn’t had his own dinner seeing as he had called Mark as soon as he got back from the circuit.

“Well I guess he’s still catching up from earlier in the week,” allowed Sebastian.

“Mm.”

Seb peered in a little closer to the screen.

“Are you getting chance to catch up too?” he checked.

Mark puffed a breath.

“A bit.”

“Oh Liebling aren’t you at least getting naps?”

“Some. It’s okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. What about you?”

“Oh I’ll go to bed once I’ve eaten.”

“How come you’ve only just got back?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I just wanted to go over everything again with the team. Quali today.” He sighed. “I just don’t know where I was going wrong.”

“Sweetheart fourth isn’t that bad.”

“But Dan was three tenths ahead Mark. Three. That’s rubbish.”

Mark would have smiled at how hard on himself Seb was, but he knew he needed bucking up.

“Well Massa held you up on your banker lap.”

“Yeah but I’m talking about my last lap.”

“I know darling, but it contributes. It throws you off a bit.”

“It shouldn’t though.”

 

Mark sighed. Sometimes there was no talking Seb out of not accepting anything other than perfection from himself.

“Well, I don’t know. What did the engineers say?”

“Nothing specific. Just a little loss here, a little loss there. It adds up.”

“Right.” Mark hitched Teddy up in his arms a bit. “Well it’s done now. There’s nothing to be gained from worrying about it. Just focus on the race.”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked at him.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah fine, just… No you’re right. I can’t let it bother me. I just need to get on with things.”

“Absolutely, and you know how good you are at starts.”

A smile fought its way onto Seb’s lips. Mark always talked him up.

“Thanks.”

“I’m not being nice. That’s just a fact.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“You are being nice.”

“No. Well, alright maybe, but it’s true.”

“Thank you. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens.”

“And be in position to capitalise.”

“Exactly.”

Sebastian let out a long breath.

“Thanks Liebling. I’m really going to work on that when I’m with the guys in the morning. I’m gonna go in early.”

“Not super early?”

“No. Don’t forget the race doesn’t start till three here.”

“Ah true.”

“We just decided to leave it this evening and come back fresh.”

“Sounds sensible.”

“And to kind of put a divide between looking over quali and the race. I mean we ran through it, but in more detail.”

“Sure. You’ll be set then.”

“Hopefully.”

“I’m sure you will,” insisted Mark. “Anyway forget it for a bit and get a proper rest. That’s my advice for what it’s worth.”

“It’s worth plenty. I always appreciate your advice Liebling.”

“Thanks. So what’s the plan now?”

“Order room service, go to bed.”

“Almost as exciting as my Saturday night,” smiled Mark.

“What’s your plan?”

“Call my mum who’s been fretting almost as much as you over Teddy, get him his bottle when he no doubt interrupts that. Then do the same as you, call it a night and hope he agrees.”

“James Hunt would be very disappointed in us.”

Mark chuckled.

“Darling I don’t think we’d ever have fitted the racer playboy stereotype.”

“No.” Sebastian let out a sigh and looked at Teddy resting peacefully in the crook of Mark’s arm. “He’s very quiet.”

“Mm. Bet he’s not a three am,” Mark noted darkly.

“Ah Liebling I’m sorry.”

“Hey it’s fine. He’s getting back on course.”

“He’s feeding okay?”

“Yep, just still a bit tired. He’ll be right soon enough.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian wanted to sigh and say he should take his turn holding Teddy to give Mark a break, but you couldn’t do that no matter how advanced the communication technology.

“This time tomorrow I should be on my home with any luck,” he offered instead.

Mark smiled down to their son.

“Hear that darling? Papa’ll be home tomorrow night.”

“I can’t wait,” assured Sebastian.

Mark looked up and raised an eyebrow.

“Can’t wait for broken sleep, traipsing down to get bottles in the dead of night and changing stinky nappies?”

“Yes.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah okay. I know you mean it. Well, race first, then home again. Bit closer this time so at least we should still be up when you get back, or I will at any rate.”

“That’ll be nice.”

“No tiptoeing into the house.”

Sebastian let out a little laugh, that sounded exactly how it had been for the past couple of races.

“Exactly. Okay, I guess I should let you call your parents,” allowed Seb. “Will you say hi from me?”

“Course. I’m sure they’ll say good luck for tomorrow.”

“Ha, your mum already texted me.”

“My mum did?”

“Yeah after quali. I said thanks.”

 

Mark smiled, he knew how fond of Seb his mother was. He also knew his family often had their sleep disrupted by the inconvenient hours of races on the other side of the world, not just watching him any more but Seb as well.

“Course, well that’s nice,” he replied.

“Okay, so if you’re going to bed after shall I call in the morning?”

“Sure.”

“Will you be up about seven if I call before I go to the track?”

“With this little one? Yeah I’d say that’s pretty likely sweetheart.”

“Okay till then, love you.”

“Love you too. Get lots of sleep.”

Sebastian just smiled back, deciding it was best not to ask whether Mark would get the same.

“Bye then.”

“Bye.”

 

They hung up and Sebastian lay back on his bed with a long puff, his hand holding his phone dropping to his side. He supposed if he really could magic himself home at the end of each day he wouldn't exactly get the best preparation for racing, but he still wished he could do it. After staring at the ceiling for a few minutes Seb picked himself up both metaphorically and literally, sitting to call down for some food and changing into his pyjamas so he could go straight to bed afterwards. If he had to be thousands of miles away from his family he should at least do them the favour of making the most of a quiet night so he could make the most of his race tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn’t a great surprise that Mark felt considerably less refreshed by the night that had passed when they spoke again the following morning. He was glad Seb at least had a restful long sleep.

“Doesn’t matter darling. I think we’ll get some breakfast then take a stroll with the dogs. It’s a beautiful morning out.”

Sebastian smiled. A walk with all the family in the late April sunshine sounded nice. That would set him up for the day, but it would have to wait.

“Okay well I’m gonna head in now and get stuck in with the prep.”

“Good stuff.”

“Will you have a nap when you get back?” enquired Seb.

“I’ll try.”

“Okay, but if I call after my lunch, say one, eleven-ish your time will that be okay?”

“It’s fine darling. Call whenever. I’ve always got my phone.”

“Righto.”

 

 

Not long later Sebastian was already sat with his engineers, his mind fully occupied with all the minutia of his car and the race.

Mark by contrast was sat on the bench at the top of the hill near their house. The dogs were amusing themselves sniffing out potential rabbits in the undergrowth while Mark paid less attention to the view and more to his son pressed in close as he sat in the carrier Mark saw no point in taking off.

“Hey buddy. You feeling more awake now?”

Mark smiled as Teddy seemed to murmur something back. He stroked his round cheek.

“Yeah mate, bit of fresh air does wonders. Exactly what I was thinking.”

He looked up as Shadow and Simba ran over for a stroke as well, then scampered off again on their little mission. Mark glanced beside him to the empty spot on the bench where Seb usually sat. It was nice up here, but it would be a darn sight nicer if he had his husband pressed into his side, Seb wrapped in his arm as always, with both of them fussing over their son and telling him how relieved they were he seemed well again.

“Papa misses us too,” Mark explained to Teddy. “He’ll be home soon, then we’ll all be happy together won’t we? Yeah. Good boy.”

Mark kissed Teddy’s forehead and forgot feeling tired as his son reached up to paw his face, smiling and gurgling happily, just as their little boy should. He smiled back, thinking how pleased Seb would be to see a far livelier Teddy when then spoke later on. Hopefully it would put him a positive mood for his race and they could all have a day as good as this beautiful spring morning seemed to suggest was on the cards.

 

 

Though Sebastian was still smarting a little from his disappointing qualifying session the day before, he did feel better for really spending the time on a detailed run through everything with his engineers as well as having a good chat with the mechanics in the garage as they prepared the car. Some drivers found all this work outside of the actual racing a chore, but Sebastian had always valued it, enjoyed it even, not just the technical analysis which was somehow reassuring in its cold clarity, but spending time with his team-mates. When he did this Seb felt as though he was really contributing to the collective team effort as well as showing his appreciation for all they did.

Fourth might not be the best starting spot, but as he finished up his preparations Sebastian knew it wasn’t the worst place and they had been over the starting procedures more than once to ensure he got all he could out of it. His fellow team-mates were still in a positive mood following his win in Bahrain and as he walked back to the base Seb reflected that he’d had no real promise of winning that day, so who knew what today might hold?

 

 

He sat in his room Facetiming Mark once more and Seb smiled as he peered in.

“Are you in the garden?”

“Yep,” confirmed Mark. “He had his nap when we got back and he’s all awake now so I thought we’d come out.”

He angled the phone to show Teddy lying on a blanket on the grass, then lay down beside him so he could hold the phone above them both, making Sebastian laugh.

“I feel like I’m floating above you looking down.”

“Ha, don’t land on us,” smiled Mark.

“No. Still nice with you then?”

“Yep, lovely actually. I thought we should make the most of the sunshine.”

“Good idea. Teddy looks like he’s enjoying it.”

“Yeah.” Mark turned a little more to face their son. “He’s being a proper little wriggler aren’t you mate?”

 

Teddy smiled and Seb watched fondly as Mark smiled back at the baby. There was a definite life in those bright blue eyes that had been missing earlier in the week thank god.

“He looks so much better Liebling,” Sebastian observed.

Mark looked back to his phone screen.

“Yeah, much livelier. We’ve been having a nice play.”

“Have you?”

“Yeah.” Mark sat up. “Watch this.”

He placed the phone down for a moment, then turned Teddy so he lay on his front, picking the phone back up to show Sebastian. Seb peered in as their son tried pushing up with his little arms, then rolled over onto his back.

“See!” grinned Mark. “Right little gymnast we’ve got now.”

“Oh Schatz well done,” approved Seb, smiling in at him and Mark who had gone back to lying on the blanket on his side.

“I have to admit we’ve been rehearsing that a bit for you,” confessed Mark. “Teddy wanted to show off his skills.”

 

Sebastian laughed, wishing he was sat in the garden with them. It looked sunny and bright and it was so nice to see their son making such progress. He hated that he was missing it.

“I wish I was there.”

“I know. Home tonight.”

“Yeah.”

“We can do this tomorrow can’t we?” offered Mark.

“Guess so.”

“As long as you’re not too tired.”

“No I won’t be tired. It’ll be nice,” assured Seb, already thinking he didn’t care how tired he would be after the race.

“Good stuff. Speaking of which, all going okay?”

“Yeah we had a good prep session.”

“Want to talk about it?”

 

Sebastian puffed a breath, then shook his head. He’d far rather focus on non-work stuff.

“Where are the dogs?” he enquired.

Mark raised his head to look around.

“About somewhere. They’ve probably found something to play with.”

“Oh dear. I hope it’s not a rabbit.”

Mark huffed a laugh. He doubted Shadow and Simba shared Seb’s qualms.

“They’ll turn up. I think they’re enjoying this weather too.”

“I can’t believe it’s nearly May.”

“Ha, I can’t believe Teddy’s four months tomorrow.”

Sebastian took in a breath.

“Oh gosh Liebling I hadn’t thought. Of course he is. Wow.”

“I know right.” Mark gazed at their son, reaching to stroke over his cheek. “Just think how tiny he was.”

“He’s doing good isn’t he Liebling?”

“Course he is. Stronger every day.”

Seb sighed. Their baby was four months old tomorrow. How far away that once seemed.

“Will you send me a picture?” he requested.

“Hm?”

“A picture of Teddy. Just so I’ve got one.”

 

Mark knew Seb had what must now be hundreds of photos if their son on his phone, but he understood what he meant; Seb wanted one of now, a picture to hang on to while he was far away.

“Sure sweetheart, I’ll do that. Have you got to go now?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“No no. Lots to do ahead of the race.”

“Yeah.”

“Well I think we’ll stay out a bit, get lunch then we’ll set up camp in the lounge ready for the race.”

“Okay. I’ll call you before as usual.”

“Righto. Till then. Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling and you Teddybär.”

 

Mark let Seb end the call before setting the phone down and sitting up. He looked out to see if he could spot the dogs who were somewhere down the far end of the garden, then down at Teddy.

“Nice to see Papa isn’t it darling? Yeah.”

Mark tickled Teddy’s tummy, then leaned in to kiss his nose when he smiled up at him.

“Gorgeous boy. Let’s get a pic for Papa then.”

He set the phone ready, then tickled Teddy again and snapped a photograph of him smiling. Mark sighed at how beautiful their little boy was, thinking how remote this prospect seemed a year ago. Mark laid down beside Teddy and smiled at him, getting Teddy to smile again before raising up the phone and snatching a picture as he kissed his son’s lovely round cheek. Mark looked at Teddy lying so close to his face.

“Ah he misses us darling. I don’t suppose this’ll make him miss us any less, but Papa’ll be home tonight and then we have a nice break.”

Mark huffed a laugh at those big blue eyes looking at him, wondering as he always did how much his son really took in.

“Then your Oma and Opa and Onkel Fabe are coming in a week cos they’re missing you too kiddo. Yeah, you’re a popular little lad.”

He gazed at him for a moment then sat up and stroked Teddy’s cheek before pressing send on the pictures to send to Seb.

MARK: Missing you, but we’ll do this together tomorrow, me you & our little teddy-bear. Xox

 

Thinking about that Mark huffed a laugh and smiled down at Teddy before walking his fingers around his round tummy.

“Round and round the garden, like our teddy-bear, one step, two step, tickle you under there!”

Mark walked his fingers up to tickle under his son’s chin, then back to tickle his tummy pausing as Teddy laughed. Not just a gurgling noise, he was sure of it, but a proper baby’s laugh. Mark thought it might be the most amazing sound in the whole world.

“Oh.” He swallowed, feeling oddly emotional. “D’ya like that buddy, hm? Tickle-tickle.”

He tickled Teddy again and was rewarded with more laughter. Mark caught sight of his phone and thought how Seb would be gutted to miss this. He picked it up and set it to record video.

“Tickle Teddy’s tummy,” he teased, giving his son another little tickle to encourage more gurgles of laughter. “Tickle-teddy.”

Teddy obligingly laughed and wriggled about and Mark managed to capture it before ending the recording of perhaps thirty seconds. He lifted his son up to hold in front of him, Teddy patting his face, still smiling.

“Yeah, good boy,” praised Mark, giving him another kiss before cuddling him in. “Lovely boy. Our lovely boy. You’re making us so happy darling. Bet you can’t wait till Papa’s home too.”

 

 

Sebastian was busy sorting out his race-suit and getting everything ready in his room when his phone buzzed again. He picked it up expecting another picture of Teddy, only to see it was a video instead. He pressed play, then sat down on the bed feeling a little overwhelmed. Seb closed his eyes to contain himself, then watched the video again. It was only short, but he thought it was incredible. Only a few days ago their little boy had been sick, miserable and worrying his parents through the nights and now here lay the happiest baby enjoying the sunshine outside with his daddy, laughing, actually laughing and gurgling and moving about, the picture of health.

He let out a long sigh, then allowed himself to watch it one more time before putting his phone down and standing up resolutely to force himself to get on with what he needed to do. Race first, then he’d be home with his family to enjoy all that.

 

 

  


 

As he spoke to Mark again just prior to going to get in the car to go to the grid they were both in a positive mood, Seb glad to know that Teddy was on such good form and Mark that Seb seemed optimistic for the race.

“I feel kind of, I don’t know, hyped up maybe?” Seb explained. “A bit of nerves I guess, but that’s normal right?”

“Course it is sweetheart. Your brain’s wired for this. Nerves are good. You know what we say?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Keeps you sharp.”

“Damn right,” agreed Mark. “And hyped up is fine, a mixture of excitement and nerves sounds pretty standard race start to me.”

“Are you the same?”

“When I’m racing, sure.”

“Now?”

“Ha, oh sweetheart you know how that is too. Definitely tending to the latter not the former.”

“Yeah. Sorry Liebling.”

“No no, just how it goes. Now then you said you’d been through everything for the start?”

“Course.”

“Great, well I look forward to seeing you streaking away at the front by the first corner.”

“Ha, streaking?”

“Not that kind of streaking.”

“I should hope not.”

Mark gave him a wink.

“Save that for after when you’re home.”

“Mark, Teddy’s there.”

“Ah he doesn’t know what it means. Do you kiddo? Hmm? Daddy saying silly things. Silly Daddy.”

 

Sebastian saw their son lying peacefully in Mark’s arms and had to concede he was plainly paying no attention to what they were saying. Mark had told him he’d had his bottle so Seb wasn’t surprised to see him looking less energetic than he had been earlier.

“Okay.”

“He’s far more interested in saying good luck,” asserted Mark.

“Is he indeed?” Seb smiled.

“Oh yes.” Mark put on a high voice. “Go Papa. Good luck.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head as Mark held the baby a little higher as if speaking to him.

“Thanks Teddy. Okay Lieblinge I’ve got to go. I’ll give you a wave.”

“Us too. Bye then darling.”

Mark helped Teddy wave and Seb waved goodbye back.

“Good luck from me too,” signed off Mark. “Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

 

 

 

 

 

As Sebastian saw a camera pointed his way on the grid he smiled and waved, hoping it was one that would be broadcast to his loved ones at home. He looked into the lens for a moment, then turned back to his engineers to continue discussing the level of grip he had felt heading around the track on his way here.

 

At home Mark looked back to Teddy and gave him a smile.

“That was Papa saying hello darling. Can you see?”

He angled him up a fraction to show the baby the shots of Seb and his team around the car parked on the grid.

“Look, he’s working away. Do you think he’ll win again today mate? Wouldn't put it past him.”

Teddy gave no reply so Mark looked to the dogs by his feet.

“What do you reckon boys?”

Shadow and Simba turned their heads to look at him.

“Seb gonna fly off the line again d’you think?” asked Mark.

The dogs stared at him for a moment, then turned back around to settle down so Mark shrugged to his son.

“Guess they don’t know. All up in the air at this stage I guess, but Papa’s good at starts like I told you. We’ll just have to see won’t we kiddo? Yeah.”

Mark let out a huff as Martin Brundle opined on Seb’s qualifying from the day before, judging it disappointing before sweeping on to lurk by Dan’s car knowing he had more chance of getting an interview with him. What right did he have to pass opinion on Seb Mark wanted to know. His racing career hadn’t been a patch on Sebastian’s success.

“Silly man,” dispensed Mark. “Don’t listen to him darling. Papa’s brilliant. He always shows everyone. You just see kiddo. I bet he makes up places quick-smart.”

 

 

Sebastian was giving himself a similar pep-talk in the car as they made ready to go around for the formation lap. With the Mercedes occupying the front row it all depended how their start went, but Seb secretly thought he was better at getting off the line than his own team-mate, so if he could get by Dan, then there was definitely a chance of at least splitting the silver cars and perhaps putting himself in the same position as the week before.

“Everything’s looking good,” came the voice in his ear.

“Yep, thanks.”

“Make sure you’re really warming the tyres.”

“Will do.”

Sebastian’s eyes were on the lights as the teams began to clear from the grid. Next moment they got the signal to set off and he had the chance to do a practice start, albeit far slower than Seb hoped to go when the lights went out for real in a couple of minutes time.

Not bad. The car felt responsive, so that was encouraging, he just had to keep the tyres to optimum temperature as he went around, doing a little careful weaving to increase the friction. Seb tried to watch out for the Toro Rossos running behind him. The last thing he wanted was for them to run into the back of him before the race even started. How ridiculous would he look then? Sebastian smiled inside his helmet as he thought how Mark always told him it was best to assume everyone else on track was an idiot and not rely on them to look out for you.

Young drivers with so much to prove to the world were likely to be only thinking of themselves, so Seb made sure that there was plenty of leeway before scooting sideways and back in line ready for the corner. Max was a little close, but not dangerously so. With any luck having to be wary of Seb now might make him a fraction more cautious at the start. Seb could do without that hungry young upstart on his heels in fifth.

 

As they all pulled up to take their positions on the grid again Sebastian glanced around him: Mercs one, two, Dan third and the drivers from the RedBull sister team on the row behind; Max accompanied by Kvyat eager to impress his home crowd. He knew they would both be keen to make a good start as every other driver would be. All fighting their own battles, all with personal motivations and the need to satisfy their teams. It was every man for himself when the lights went out.

Seb knew there was no point worrying about that though. He simply had to go for it. His heart was thudding as he watched the five lights go on. As soon as they went out Seb would need split-second reactions to get his foot to the floor, going through the gears, powering on ahead. He let out a long settling breath, eyes dead ahead and everything but the job in hand pushed out of his mind. Go time.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, quelle surprise, a two parter...


	220. Just

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second part, race rady to start (rather appropriately).

* * *

 

 

Mark was taking calming breaths as he sat holding Teddy watching from the sofa at home.

God he hated watching the starts. Part of him wished he could skip this bit and come in a minute later to watch the replay safe in the knowledge that his Seb was away and clear. He couldn't do that of course. Mark knew he had to watch, eyes glued to the screen as the five lights went on and time froze for an instant before they went out and everyone shot off as usual.

 

Except that wasn’t quite how it went this time.

Whilst the commentators were getting excited about the Mercedes drivers getting alongside each other ready to battle for the first corner, Mark spotted that Daniel in third was in difficulty. He knew only to well how it felt to put your foot down to start and for it all to go wrong, but Mark had no time to sympathise with his fellow Aussie’s predicament as he watched Verstappen from directly behind in fifth be forced to leap around the slow car in front of him while Kyvat seemed to find hitherto undiscovered rocket boosters and bolted forwards to draw level with his team-mate. Sebastian’s start had been good, but as Bottas and Hamilton moved together in front of him he was blocked and all hopes of somehow diving between them were gone.

That was bad enough, but seconds later Seb had both Toro Rossos on him as he had been forced to slow, one either side and neither willing to back down as they approached the first corner. It was only a soft bend to the right and it was a wide track, but you still needed to shift inwards to take it. Sebastian was ahead, he knew he had the position, but blue cars were filling both his rear-mirrors and before he had time to even think if there was anything he could do to evade them Seb felt contact, heard a screech and with no further warning, his car was out of control.

 

Mark gasped as he saw the front left wheel of one of the Toro Rossos get just a fraction too close and touch the right back wheel of Sebastian’s. Somehow the car to his right had managed to get so his front wheel was ahead of Seb’s rear and as Seb was trapped in a pincer movement the two open wheels interlocked. The motion of the tyres tangling instantly flung Seb’s rear up and suddenly the whole car was shunted across the bows of one rival car before being hit by the other as it came back down. Seb’s car span around taking part of a front wing with it and destroying its own suspension.

Mark’s eyes were wide as he watched in horror to see Seb’s car scudding around to face the wrong direction, still in motion as all the remaining cars behind him thundered past, miraculously missing him as the RedBull walloped into the far side wall and came to a halt.

 

“Oh my god,” Mark gasped. “Oh my god. Seb? Please. Oh god.”

He barely realised he was speaking as Mark leaned forwards, frantically trying to assess the damage. Sebastian’s rear wing was hanging off and his front left wheel was tethered by a thread, dangling drunkenly down towards the asphalt where chunks of graphite lay scattered. Mark cared less about that than the right side of the car which was planted into the armco, a dark streak of scuffed tyre rubber marking where Seb had skittered briefly along it before stopping.

How hard had Seb hit the side? How forceful had the impact been, or the thud into the track after the rear was thrown up several feet? Why wasn’t he talking? Oh god.

Mark froze, wondering why he hadn’t thought that first. His stomach turned over, but then he heard Teddy murmuring and Mark realised that for a second he had actually forgotten he was holding him.

“He’ll be okay. He’ll be okay.”

Mark was sure his heart had to have missed a beat and he wanted to panic, but he knew he had to think of his son. He didn’t want him to be frightened. Mark lifted him higher, resting Teddy into his shoulder and stroking over his back to soothe him.

“Papa’ll be okay. He’ll be alright.”

He repeated the action of stroking Teddy’s back, calming himself as much as his son, but not realising how heavy his breathing had gone as Mark continued to focus on the screen, desperate to see signs of life.

 

“I’m okay.” Sebastian’s voice came over the broadcast, breathy, but distinctively him.

 

“Oh thank god,” sighed Mark in relief so powerful he felt his whole body sag with it.

He was still looking for movement as the cameras focussed on the crashed car, unsure how much time had passed and if it was just his frantic imagination that made it seem too long Seb had sat there before speaking.

 

Inside that car Seb felt as though his brain was still trying to catch up with what had just happened. His ribs hurt and it felt as though all the air had been slammed out of his body. He took in a deep breath to replace the oxygen he had used to up to get that report back on the radio out for the sake of his loved ones watching. Seb thought of them and knew how frightened they must be. He still felt winded, but Seb forced in more breath at the same time as looking around to be sure there were no more cars about.

“Sebastian the race is under safety car,” came the voice of his engineer. “Can you get out?”

“Yep. Just... I’m fine. Sorry. I had nowhere to go.”

 

At home Mark closed his eyes for a moment at hearing Sebastian apologise. In a way it was so typical of him it was reassuring, but Mark could hardly believe Seb was taking any of the blame for what he was certain was a crash caused by others. Christian’s voice came on asking again for reassurance Seb was okay and Mark was glad to hear him affirm it before marshals were around the car and Sebastian was shown making sure everything was properly off, then unclipping his belts and climbing out of the car.

 

Seb tried not to show that he felt a little unsteady on his feet. He took a few steps to the side, trying to listen as he was pointed to the nearest gap in the fencing to get off the track. The medical car was parked up by him now and the race doctor was there in front of him as Seb lifted his visor.

“Sebastian, how are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.”

“Do you need to sit?”

Sebastian shook his head, already looking not for the exit, but a camera. He spotted one pointed his way and waved to it, then gave the thumbs up signal and waved again before allowing himself to be led away.

 

 

Mark gave a weak smile at seeing Seb wave, thinking how he had promised to do that when they had spoken earlier, though neither of them had thought about it being in this context. He knew it was for him to let him know Seb was really alright. To Mark’s eyes Sebastian looked to be walking a little stiffly, but he _was_ walking away. Heading now across the open run-off area that unfortunately Seb’s car had never reached. Mark sent up a short prayer of thanks, then turned his head to give Teddy a kiss.

“Papa’s fine. He’s out of the car, totally fine darling. Nothing to worry about.”

Mark puffed a breath, glad that Teddy surely had no idea what was going on. Even if he could recognise his father on television, Seb still had his helmet on and Mark was quite certain that at four months old Teddy couldn’t associate that with his papa yet.

He sat back a little, still not really appreciating how laboured his breathing was. Mark barely took in the commentary describing how Max was now limping back to the pits for repairs whilst Kyvat was pushing on with remarkably little damage. He didn’t care about them. Instead Mark watched as Sebastian walked towards a gap to get off track, accompanied by an orange-clad marshal to stand with the race doctor for another moment as he satisfied himself Seb was unhurt. They were only one hundred feet away from the pits, but crucially on the wrong side, so to get back would involve going around to reach the centre, so for now Sebastian had to wait while transport was sent for him.

 

“See, he’s going back now,” Mark informed Teddy. “He’s totally fine.”

 

Mark let out a surprisingly shaky breath, feeling relief flooding his body and close getting overwhelmed by it. His heart was still pounding and his skin tingled unpleasantly with electricity as though he had been shocked, which Mark supposed he had really. He closed his eyes to calm himself, then was shaken out of it by Teddy starting crying. He lifted him higher into his chest and rocked his body slightly.

“Oh sweetheart I’m sorry. It’s okay, everything's okay. I just had a fright. Papa’s fine. You don’t need to worry. Look.” Mark turned slightly to show his son the TV. “See he’s there with a marshal off the track, nice and safe out of the way while they sort his car out. Silly other drivers knocked into it, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is Papa’s okay. Hm? Yeah. Papa’s okay. He’s okay.”

Mark smoothed over Teddy’s back, hushing him and soothing them both in the process. He hardly noticed what was happening in the race, but as he looked back to the screen hoping to see Seb, Mark saw the train of cars led by the safety car tiptoeing past as marshals cleared debris from the accident.

 

The commentators chose to comment that it could have been worse, then they replayed the incident itself to demonstrate that. Mark winced at the sight of Seb’s car being hit in slow-motion, hating the way that highlighted how his car had reverberated as it bounced down before being hit again. Mark placed his hand at the side of Teddy’s face to be sure he couldn’t see it, hoping his son really hadn’t the first time around. He was still crying and a part of Mark wanted to do the same, but he knew that was bound to frighten him more, so instead Mark slipped his hand round to rub Teddy’s back again and placed his cheek by the baby’s.

“Shush darling, everything’s fine. No need to be afraid. Daddy’s here. Papa’s safe. It’s all okay. It’s all okay. Hush now lovely. Shh.”

 

 

Sebastian stood by a couple of marshals waiting for the moped to come and collect him. He was still wearing his helmet, not particularly wanting to be seen by the large grandstand full of spectators only a few feet away. Instead he stood ignoring the buzz of the crowd as he processed what had happened, but then he caught sight of another camera pointed his way and Seb reconsidered. He pulled his helmet and cowl off, smiling and waving once more to make it very clear that he was okay.

Not that Seb really felt much like smiling, but doing so without feeling it was a skill he had long since mastered and that did come in useful sometimes. He waved to the camera again, then hearing the crowd more loudly now turned and gave them a wave as well. In reply he heard some clapping to show that they were glad he was okay after the crash, but Seb in all honesty wished there weren’t so many people watching him right now. All he really wanted was to get back so he could speak to Mark and his family who Seb knew would be worrying no matter how much he smiled and waved. Still no sign of that moped though, so Seb looked to the marshal nearest to him. He had an idea.

 

 

Mark jumped once more as his phone started ringing. He shifted forwards to pick it up, expecting the display to inform him it was either his family or Seb’s calling. It wasn’t though. The screen read: **Unknown number**. Mark frowned. Who was calling him? It wasn’t the team. He had Christian’s number and Britta’s stored in his phone. He presumed all were waiting to see Sebastian get back to the pits before calling, assuming they did call seeing as he really did appear to be okay. Mark glanced to the television for confirmation of that fact, his mind half wondering if some member of the media could have got his number and have the audacity to call right now. Then he stopped. On TV there was an aerial shot of the trackside from the helicopter and it was showing Sebastian holding a phone.

Mark nearly dropped his own phone in the hurry to answer it now.

“Seb?”

“Liebling. Oh I thought you wouldn't answer. I borrowed this guy’s phone. Are you alright?”

The line was buzzy with more noise interfering in the background, but it was Seb’s familiar voice, if still a little high.

“Am _I_ alright? Oh my god. _Seb_ ,” let out Mark, somewhere between laughing and crying. “Daft sod. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I just wanted to let you know. I’m really fine Liebling.”

“You sounded winded.”

“Just the impact.”

Mark released a shaky breath. That wasn’t the reassurance Seb seemed to think it was.

“Oh darling. Are you sure? It looked bad.”

“It all happened so fast.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m okay. Really. I said on the radio. Did they play it?”

“Yeah they did. It’s okay.”

 

Mark took a settling breath and in the pause Seb listened closely, frowning as he thought he picked up the sound of Teddy whimpering in the background.

“Is that Teddy?”

Mark turned his head to look at the baby who was still settling down from crying.

“Yeah he’s alright.”

“Is he crying? Oh Mark. I’m so sorry.”

Mark closed his eyes suddenly feeling like crying himself.

“You don’t need to be sorry.”

“Is he upset?”

“He’s okay. I think I upset him.”

“Oh Liebling.”

“We’re okay.” Mark sighed a long breath. “As long as you’re okay, we’re okay.”

Sebastian bit his lip and turned away from the marshals and the now waiting transport ready to take him back.

“Liebling I’m sorry. I know that must have been scary.”

“Yeah,” confessed Mark, unable to lie about it.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Darling it’s not your fault.”

“Did Teddy see?”

“He doesn’t understand. I just unsettled him. It’s alright.” Mark took in a deep breath to calm them both. “We’re okay.”

“I love you so much.”

Mark pressed his cheek into Teddy’s.

“We love you too.”

“I have to go. I’m sorry. They’re waiting to take me back.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll call you back as soon as I can,” promised Seb. “Oh god, Mark can you call my family? Tell them I’ll call them too as soon as I get back but I really need to go now.”

“Will do. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

 

Sebastian hung up and passed the phone back to the marshal, trying to apologise for being so long on what must have been an expensive call.

“I’ll sort out paying you back somehow,” he tried. “For the phone.”

Seb mimed holding a phone to his ear again as he had before to get it, hoping the man understood. Surely the team could track him down to recompense him? Seb felt a little guilty at the confusion on his face when the guy had done him a favour, so he pulled off his racing gloves and handed them over.

“Thank you.”

The man frowned, but Seb didn’t know what else to say so he simply picked up his helmet and pulled it on before climbing onto the moped to be driven back. His ribs still hurt from the belts, but he tried to ignore that. The race had restarted on the track, but Seb didn’t care. He just wanted to get back and sort things out. Poor Mark had sounded so anxious. His parents. His mum. Maybe he should have rung them too? He could have given the guy his helmet in payment. Seb hung onto the little bike as they wound their way back, his mind whirling with concerns that he failed to realise meant his brain was still overloading with adrenaline and shock.

 

On the sofa Mark hadn’t put his phone down. He hitched Teddy higher and gave him a kiss.

“Papa’s only worried about us mate. Silly Papa.”

His eyes filled with unexpected tears so Mark rapidly blinked them away, not wanting to scare Teddy any more than he already was.

“Sorry darling. Papa’s not really silly. Daddy’s the silly one getting worked up. Okay, we need to ring some folks up to reassure them. Everything’s alright.”

Teddy lifted his head to look at him so Mark gave him a smile, then set about placing a call as his son buried his face into his shoulder, Mark hanging onto him as he rang Germany.

 

“They showed it on TV,” noted Fabian.

“Yeah mate, that’s how I knew to answer,” replied Mark. “He really wanted to call you guys too, but I think that fella might have wanted his phone back so he asked me to ring you to let you know he’s absolutely fine.”

“You’re sure?” worried Heike.

“That’s what he said.”

“And he sounded okay?”

“Yep. I’m sure they’ll check him out properly when he gets back, but he seemed alright.”

“Oh thank god. Oh Mark it gave me such a fright. When that other car went into him I thought...”

Heike swallowed and shook her head, unable to continue. Norbert sat beside her gave his wife’s hand a squeeze.

“If he had the presence of mind to call you I think he sounds in good shape,” he asserted. “Didn’t look like he hit his head or anything.”

Mark closed his eyes for a moment. He hadn’t asked Seb about that. The accident had been so chaotic he’d hardly had chance to see.

“I’m sure he’s fine Mark,” assured Norbert, reading the pause.

“Yeah.”

“And are you alright? You and Teddy?”

“Yeah we’re okay.”

“Is he with you?” asked Heike re-finding her voice.

“Yeah he’s here,” confirmed Mark.

He looked to his son who had gone quiet and Mark prayed that this hadn’t really distressed Teddy.

“We should let you go in case he needs to call you,” asserted Norbert.

“Okay. I think he’s gonna call you first.”

“Ah okay.”

“He’s already spoken to me you see.”

“Of course.”

Mark took in a breath then puffed it out. Fabian was too quiet.

“Fabe mate he’s fine, yeah?”

“Yeah. Thanks Mark.”

“Alright I’d better go. Take care.”

“You too Mark,” replied Norbert. “I’m sure it looked worse than it was.”

“Yeah. Thanks. Bye then. Seb’ll call you as soon as he can.”

 

Mark hung up and let out the longest breath. It seemed odd that the race was still playing on the television now. It seemed so irrelevant. They had ceased replaying the crash from the start, but Mark’s brain couldn’t stop rolling it over in his mind: the slo-mo shots from Kyvat’s onboard camera had shown Sebastian’s car flicking up, swinging forwards, then banging down with no time to recover as Verstappen’s car hit him.

Mark closed his eyes trying to shut it out. If that car had hit him in the middle rather than a glancing blow to the rear it could have been game over. Seb had been stranded facing the wrong way and another car could have hit him at speed. The cars were designed to crash, but they weren’t really designed to smash nose to nose and anything could have happened. He could have been hurt, really hurt, _killed_.

That idea made him feel sick so Mark took some slow breaths to control it. Teddy had calmed down thankfully so he gave him a kiss then put him down in his crib close to hand, pausing to stroke over his cheek to make sure he was settled before sitting back down.

He looked at his phone seeing missed calls from his own family, but he didn’t feel up to another call reassuring others just yet so Mark sent his parents and sister a joint text saying he had spoken to Seb and he was fine but he was waiting for a call back and would ring them after. He told them they didn’t need to worry which Mark knew was really a joke seeing as they were as bound to as he still was despite speaking directly to his husband.

 

Mark was about to take a drink of water to settle himself when his phone rang again.

Disappointingly it wasn’t Seb, but Christian calling to tell him Sebastian was getting a quick look over by Dr. Phillips to be certain he was okay.

“But actually Mark the alarm didn’t go off in the car so we think the impact was reduced by the angle he hit at.”

Mark didn’t like words like impact, but he nodded.

“Right, okay so the doc’s checking him?” he checked again.

“Just as a precaution. He seems fine.”

“You’ve seen him?”

“Not yet, but that’s what I’ve been told and he looked alright.”

“Right. Okay I guess you’re busy with the race.”

“I’m sorry I couldn't speak to you sooner. I did try ringing,” excused Christian.

“Yeah I was on to Seb, then his folks.”

“Ah of course. Well that was quick thinking of him.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Guess so. Okay Christian thanks for the update. If you see Seb tell him I’ve rung his family.”

“I’m sure he’ll call you as soon as he is cleared.”

“Yep. Okay.”

Mark sat back and set his head back against the top of the sofa cushions. He was glad Seb was getting a medical once-over, but he hoped he got his phone soon. Mark really needed to hear his voice.

 

 

Sebastian stood in the rear of the garage, his race-suit tied at the waist and his Nomex top off as the doctor examined him.

“I’m really fine doc,” he assured.

The doctor stood from examining his ribs.

“You’re going to have bruising here and pretty much everywhere the belts go.”

“Yeah.”

The doctor was looking at his left upper arm which was pink and tender in appearance.

“Does it hurt here?”

“Ow, yes when you prod it like that.”

The doctor gave him a smile for the lighter comment. He raised his eyebrows and turned to Britta stood to the side.

“I don’t think any of it is too bad though he should get some ice on.”

 

Sebastian looked to Britta as well. The hug she had given him when she met him at being dropped off at the paddock had hurt almost as much as the crash, but he wasn’t going to tell her that when it had felt good in its own way to receive that hug from someone who cared about him.

“You gonna watch that as well?” he teased, not liking the way everyone looked so serious.

Britta rolled her eyes.

“Right, if you’re cleared we should go get the media out of the way.”

“Oh god,” sighed Seb.

“Well once it’s done it’s done.”

“I guess. I want to call my family first though.”

“Of course. I’ll go grab your phone.”

 

Sebastian let the doctor help him replace his clothing, the doctor frowning as he noted how stiffly he moved.

“Sebastian perhaps you ought to go get checked at the medical centre?”

“Ah doc no, I’m fine.”

The doctor paused. Sebastian had passed all his normal run-through of the tests to check him, answering all his standard questions without any problems. His pulse had still been high but the doctor didn’t consider that surprising.

“You’re sure you don’t have any dizziness?”

“Yeah.”

“And no pain aside from the belts and side of the car?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“Bit lower too,” he confessed.

“Hm?”

Sebastian pointed to his hip.

“I know it’s padded, but I kind of went in here,” he explained.

 

The doctor nodded. Seb had left the top half of his race-suit tied so he told him to shift it down at the side, lowering his race underwear on the right side to examine there. As the doctor peered in, ducking lower to get a proper look, Sebastian sent him a smile.

“What would people say doc? You know I’m a married man.”

The doctor sighed and let Seb pull his clothing back into place. Seb cracking jokes to deflect anyone ever seeing any weakness and playing down injuries felt unpleasantly familiar. He fixed him with a look.

“Sebastian is there anything else you’re not mentioning?”

Seb couldn’t stop himself pouting, feeling as though he was being accused of something. The doctor shook his head, knowing he was getting the school-boy now. Another avoidance tactic.

“Anything?” he pressed.

“No doc. I’ll just have some bruises.”

“Hmm, okay. Rest and ice. Yes?”

“Yes doctor.”

“And any, _any_ headaches, dizziness, nausea, or anything else of concern and you report it to me so I can take care of you as is my job. Yes Seb?”

“Yes doc.”

Sebastian looked serious now. The urge to make light of things and not allow the doctor and thereby the team know of any problems was almost impossible to resist, but when an authority figure told him off he instantly felt about twelve years old.

“Alright then,” accepted the doctor.

Just then Britta came back through with Seb’s phone and a cap for him to wear.

“Sorry. I thought I should update Christian. Here’s your phone, then we should get going.”

Sebastian nodded, already dialling.

 

 

As soon as Seb had reassured his family, calling his parents and brother, then both his sisters, he rang Mark back, working again to promise him he was alright.

“The doctor checked me over.”

“Okay. And you’re certain you didn’t hit your head?”

“No Liebling. I’m just gonna have some bruising.”

Mark nodded. He hated to hear that Seb was hurt at all, but he knew how these things went.

“Alright, but nothing worse?”

“No. Really Liebling. He just said rest and ice.”

“And are you doing either of those things yet?”

Sebastian sighed. His mother had said much the same and he'd hated hearing how anxious she was about him, but surely Mark knew it wasn't that simple?

“I need to go to the pen.”

Mark set his jaw. He wanted to argue that Sebastian didn’t need to do that at all.

“Sweetheart.”

“I’ll just get it over with,” asserted Seb.

There was a silence and Sebastian felt guilty when he knew how it felt to be on Mark’s side of this.

“Liebling I’m okay. I’ll do that as soon as I can. I’ll have a proper lie down in my room.”

“And you will do that? Not feel you have to be in the garage for the rest of the race?”

 

Sebastian paused. He did feel as though he ought to make it up to the team more after his disastrous race.

“I just need to call in with them.”

“ _Seb_.”

Sebastian pouted, but he could tell Mark was upset.

“Liebling I promise I’ll get all the stuff I need to do done as fast as I can.”

Mark let out a heavy sigh.

“I promise Mark.”

“Okay.”

“It looked worse that it was.”

“Have you watched it?”

“Well… no.”

Mark shook his head.

“Well it looked pretty bad.”

“Yeah okay. I’m sorry.”

“No darling I’m not blaming you. I just… I just want…”

 

Mark stopped and Sebastian peered in at the phone screen.

“Oh Liebling. Are you okay?”

“I just want to hold you and know you’re really safe, okay?”

“Yeah.”

Mark took a deep breath, not wanting to make things worse for Seb.

“It’s okay. I know how it goes. You go do what you have to. Just take care of yourself, yeah?”

“Yeah. I will do. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“I’ll call back.”

“Alright. Bye for now.”

 

Seb hung up and Britta came over to take his phone.

“Are you okay?” she checked.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder and she knew that meant no. Britta stepped in and gave him a half hug, rather more gently than she had before. Seb turned to her as she let him go.

“Sorry. I just hate thinking how awful that must have been for Mark and all my family.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked at Britta.

“Not much fun for you either. Sorry.”

Britta gave a shake of her head. She had been in the garage with all the rest when a collective intake of air had been taken as all of the team watched and worried to be sure Seb was okay.

“C’mon,” she encouraged. “Let’s go show the world you’re still alive and kicking.”

Sebastian nodded. Britta was always so reassuringly practical. She’d steer him through it and then it would be done. Then he could get a word with the team to apologise and after that finally get the lie down Seb didn’t really want to admit he wanted pretty badly.

 

 

 

Mark distracted himself from waiting for Seb to call him back by making his own calls. He rang his parents knowing they would be worrying. As he sat talking to them, one eye on the TV still watching the race in case it should feature Seb at all, the other on Teddy now sleeping in his crib beside him, Mark knew he was receiving more reassurance from them than he gave. When he spoke to his sister it helped to be able to admit he was sure it was him who had upset Teddy rather than the crash itself. Leanne sighed.

“Mark don’t be ridiculous. Of course it upset you. You’re human. It scared me. I can only guess how terrifying that was for you. You said Teddy’s sleeping now?”

“Yeah.”

“So he’s fine then.”

“Yeah I guess. Oh damn, Leanne, your kids weren’t watching were they?”

“No. Thankfully I insisted they go to bed seeing as it’s a school night.”

“Oh good. Poor Fabe sounded pretty shaken.”

“Ah Mark.”

“I know. Poor kid.”

“No I mean you, worrying about others and I bet Seb is worrying about you.”

“Hmm.”

“Is he meant to be calling you back?”

“Yeah after he’s done the pen.”

“Right.”

“Oh he’s on,” realised Mark.

“On TV?”

“Yep.”

“Right I’ll go. Love you.”

“Love you too. Thanks.”

“And my love to Seb. I’m sure he’s fine.”

“Thanks. Bye.”

 

Mark hurriedly hung up and raised the volume on TV to watch Seb’s interview in the media pen being shown whilst there was a quiet spell in the ongoing race. He wasn’t at all surprised to see him assuring everyone he was okay, though it struck Mark that Sebastian had so little to say about the incident itself. Seb had been crashed into and Mark was sure he would be more annoyed, but Seb barely had any comment on it. Mark frowned to himself, but he supposed ranting about it all being others’ fault did little good.

All too quickly Sebastian was gone from the screen, so Mark let out a sigh and lay down on the sofa feeling fairly well trampled on. He wished he could drop off for a nap as easily as Teddy could, but there was no chance of that when Mark was still reeling from the crash and worrying about Seb in addition to the fact he was hoping Seb would call back again soon.

 

 

 

Sebastian wanted to call Mark as well, but he forced himself to go straight back to the garage once he had showered and changed. If he stopped now he didn’t know how he would get going again and Seb knew he had duties he had to complete. Taking a shower had been intended to refresh him, but mostly it had worked to emphasise how much his body hurt. As he walked back with Britta Seb reassured her again that he was fine, but when he got into the garage he was glad that the guys that came to speak to him weren’t too enthusiastic with their hugs, merely patting him sympathetically on the arm. He tried apologising again, knowing how much work the team would have to repair the car, but none of them would hear of it.

“You were well and truly hemmed in,” stated his engineer, others nodding around him.

“Yeah I guess.”

“If you’d braked harder you’d just have been hit sooner.”

“Mm.”

“Ah well. As long as you’re alright.”

“Thanks.”

 

Sebastian looked out to see cars going through the pitlane in front of the garage for their pitstops. It felt so strange that the race was still going on. Not that he hadn’t been in this position before, but Seb felt strangely disconnected. He knew he should go to speak to Christian on the pitwall, but for now it was a bit too busy out there to cross over. As his guys continued to talk around him Seb fiddled with his phone in his jeans pocket. His eyes drifted to the team doctor tucked away unobtrusively in the corner of the garage, then he quickly looked away realising he had noticed him looking and worse, now Dr Marko was coming over.

Seconds later Seb was getting an unwelcome hearty slap on the back.

“Sebastian. Most unfortunate.”

“Yeah. Not much I could do.”

“Would have been better of course if you’d qualified higher. Less danger at the front.”

Stood on his other side Britta fought the urge to glare at him. So much for sympathy. Sebastian was about to make an excuse when a voice interrupted.

“Sebastian, might I have a word?”

Seb opened his mouth feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, but the doctor was a better option than Helmut’s snide remarks. The team doctor walked out into the rear of the garage so Sebastian followed him, coming to a halt where they had been before, out of the way of any cameras pointed into the garage and away from the rest of the team still working on Dan’s race.

 

“Seb how are you feeling now?” enquired the doctor once they were alone.

Sebastian shrugged.

“Bruised.”

“Hmm. You’re going to get those ice-packs on?”

“Yep, I just needed to do all this first. You know how it is.”

“Mm, okay. And nothing else? No side-effects bothering you?”

Seb glanced towards the entranceway into the main garage. Britta hadn’t managed to escape with him and he guessed she might be busy placating their boss. His hand was back in his jeans pocket and Sebastian was wondering if now would be a good time to call Mark.

“Seb?”

“Hm?”

The doctor frowned as Sebastian looked distractedly back at him and stepped in a little closer to look in his eyes.

“Seb why don’t you just have a sit down over here,” he prompted.

Sebastian found himself over where there were crates to the side and sat where he was directed. The doctor sat next to him and Seb automatically faced inwards to him.

“I’m alright doc.”

“Mm.”

 

Seb had answered all his check list of questions earlier but the doctor scrutinized him once more; no dilation of the pupils, no evidence of any reaction other than that consistent with a normal reaction to a crash, but something was off.

“Seb can you tell me a little more about what happened earlier?”

“Huh?”

“The crash. Can you tell me how it unfolded?”

Sebastian sighed.

“I knocked into a Toro Rosso and ended up in the wall at the start.”

“Two Toro Rossos,” corrected Dr Phillips.

“Right.”

The doctor leant in a little closer.

“Seb can you actually remember the accident?”

“It happened really fast.”

“Okay, but what do you actually recall occurred?”

 

Sebastian felt a hot flush across his chest.

“I don’t really want to think about it,” he confessed.

“You don’t want to, or you can’t?”

Seb opened his mouth, then closed it. He wasn’t entirely sure himself. His body was starting to feel warm not just on his chest, but all over. When questioned by the media it was somehow easier to blather on, giving them pretty much what the wanted: Make a joke, smile, breeze through it by saying that was just how racing went, but the doctor was another matter. He’d always hated lying to him, worried he somehow saw right through him with those probing eyes. Sebastian could feel his anxiety levels rising and he didn’t know if it was about this, or older associations.

“Seb?”

All Seb could do was sigh. He looked away for a moment, thinking how worried Mark sounded on the phone, how upset his mother was, how quiet his brother had been. They’d been scared. Sebastian wasn’t allowed to be scared though. Observers could be scared, your family watching, but not the driver. Even if he crashed Seb wasn’t meant to be scared. His heart wasn’t supposed to beat against his ribs even thinking about it. He wasn’t supposed to feel this horrible heat in his skin, or wish Mark was here. He wasn’t supposed to feel like crying and wanting his husband to hug him until he felt better. He was supposed to say he was fine.

 

The doctor saw those blue eyes flash towards the main garage entrance once more.

“Seb this is just us talking,” he tried in a softer voice.

Sebastian could have laughed. He never believed that when it came to the team doctor, no matter how well-intention he was. Seb thought about Mark again and his mind went back to when they had been at Le Mans when Mark had crashed. With their roles reversed Sebastian had insisted on him getting treatment, had demanded Mark be honest with the doctor. What would he say if he was here? Taking a deep breath Seb looked to Dr Phillips.

“It’s a bit of a blur,” he confessed.

The doctor nodded.

“Okay. From what point?”

“I don’t know. I guess… I remember going from the line, blue cars in my mirrors, a thump and…”

Seb felt his heart seize. The last thing he remembered was the moment he knew he no longer had any control over what was happening, hands coming off the wheel, and then it was noise and movement and another thump and somehow he was stopped, facing the wrong way looking out at where only seconds later Seb had sat holding such great hopes of an amazing start to his race.

“And that’s all you remember?”

“Pretty much I suppose. It happened really fast.”

“Okay,” agreed the doctor softly.

“It was like in Brazil.”

“Hm?”

“Brazil 2012, the start when I got knocked round,” Sebastian explained. “They were all shooting past and there was nothing I could do but sit there.”

“You remember that?”

“2012? Well yeah, but I got going again then. The car was too damaged this time.”

“Right.”

The doctor gave a little shake of his head at Seb’s curious mind analysing and comparing with the past whilst shying away from the present, or at least recent, events. He was no psychologist, though he wondered if Sebastian might be disassociating as a protective measure. Seb had answered all his initial questions and showed no signs of concussion, but he wasn’t himself, indeed he seemed worse than he had initially, muted somehow.

The doctor took his pulse once more; too fast. It ought to have steadied by now.

“You look a little pale to me,” he observed.

Sebastian wanted to deny it, but he merely sighed.

“I’m just a bit tired.”

The doctor made no comment that a young man as fit as Sebastian should not feel tired after mere seconds of racing. He knew it wasn’t due to that.

“Seb I’m just going to go and get you some water. You stay here.”

 

Sebastian did as he was told and moments later the doctor reappeared with a bottle of water which he handed over. Seb half-expected Britta to come with him, but he was still alone.

“Thanks.”

The doctor waited while Sebastian slowly sipped the water. Seb knew he was being observed but he let himself have the time to calm down a little.

“Sorry.”

The doctor shook his head.

“That’s alright. Sebastian I think you’re suffering slightly from shock. I advised you to rest, not rush around the paddock.”

“I have commitments.”

“Hmm. And are they done?”

“I guess.”

“Right, so can you go do that now?”

“Do what?”

“Go and rest. Get some ice-packs on for a bit and have a lie down in your room.”

Sebastian looked down at his water bottle, thinking about what Mark would say.

“To be honest doc I just want to go home.”

Seb looked back up, wondering what response that would get. Doctor Phillips was looking directly at him.

“I think that actually is the most honest thing you’ve said to me.”

 

Seb huffed a dry laugh. Damn, he’d been caught telling the truth. Nothing like that to highlight all the lies you told. He looked away again, feeling more upset now at the idea he had told Mark a lie. He hadn’t meant to. Seb just wanted to reassure him, for him not to sit so far away worrying. If Mark had been with him, if he was here now, what would Sebastian say to him face to face?

 

He heard a heavy sigh and Seb looked back to the doctor once more.

“I’ve told you before you have to tell me things if I am to treat you,” insisted Dr Phillips. “You are my priority above the team Seb. I am a doctor first and foremost. If you tell me something in confidence I will treat it as such. My only concern would be if it were to affect you racing and thus place you in danger. So, I will tell you my opinion and let’s see if we agree.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. I think you a feeling the affects of the drop off of adrenalin and it is being replaced by shock from the crash, Relatively mild shock or I doubt you’d be walking around, but I’m actually more concerned about that than the bruising. I’m glad you’ve said you want to go home.”

“Are you?”

“Yes. Have you spoken to Christian?”

“Not yet.”

“Right.”

“I think…” Seb paused, normally Mark would be the one suggesting this. But Mark wasn’t here. “I think I’m going to ask if I can leave now.”

The doctor nodded.

“You have your plane?”

“Well it’s not mine exactly, but yeah.”

“Okay. Assuming Christian agrees, can we have a slight compromise? Speak to him, make your calls and have a lie down away from everything in your room with some ice-packs for a good half hour and let me check up on you before you go.”

“I’m okay to fly?”

Sebastian surprised himself actually asking that, but he knew it was something Mark would want to be sure of.

“Well that’s essentially what I want to check before you go.”

“Okay.”

“It’s natural to be shaken up by a crash Seb, especially a big one, especially when you have history shall we say?”

“Are you going to tell the team?”

“Seb what did I say before? I’m here to make sure you are okay. _Actually_ okay, not ‘I’m a racing driver so I’m just going to say I’m okay whether I am or not’.”

Sebastian managed a half-smile.

“Okay.”

“You’re not planning on driving yourself to the airport are you?”

“No.”

“Or at the other end?”

“No I get picked up.”

“Good. Would Britta be travelling back with you?”

“Um I can ask, but usually she likes to stay and finish up here, well, at the track that is. But there’s a steward on my plane.”

“Alright then. So you’d have someone around?”

“Yes.”

“And after this you’re at home?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m presuming Mark will be there?”

“Of course.”

“Okay. Are you due back in the factory at all?”

“Thursday.”

“Right. Assuming all is well I’m going to ask you to come to see me then if that’s okay?”

“Sure.”

 

The doctor nodded and sat up straighter.

“Let’s not waste any more time then. Would you like me to speak to Christian?”

Sebastian looked taken aback, but the doctor shook his head.

“Just to say you are leaving.”

“No I need to ask him if it’s okay. I’ll talk to him, then I promise I’ll rest a bit.”

“Alright then.”

 

As Sebastian passed through the main garage, he paused for a moment to whisper his intentions to Britta. She raised no objections, though she was curious what had taken him so long with the doctor.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

Seb was already sick of that question.

“I just think I should get back.”

“Okay.”

He gave her a nod, thankful that she was respecting his decision, then Seb went to the edge of the garage, waiting to be certain that the pitlane was clear before nipping across to the pitwall where Christian and the others sat monitoring the race.

 

 

At home Mark still lay on the sofa, but as he spotted the cameras picking up on Sebastian in the pitlane he turned the volume higher. Nothing could be heard other than the commentators noting he was going over to the RedBull pitwall, however and even now Mark dryly thought that the viewers could see that for themselves. He watched Seb put his back to the camera as Christian turned on his high stool to speak with him, leaning down with his arm placed around Sebastian’s shoulder. Christian was clearly sympathising, but beyond that it was impossible to tell what was being exchanged between them.

 

The roar of the cars passing by on the main straight seemed loud to Sebastian as he stood speaking with his boss, but he tried to block them out.

“So you’re alright?” checked Christian.

“The doc’s looked me over. I’ll be okay. I just took a knock.”

“Hmm.”

Christian thought it looked more than that.

“I’m sorry. I really couldn’t get out of the way. I know it’s wide there, but they were either side,” apologised Seb, misreading disapproval in his boss’s voice.

Christian shook his head.

“You were boxed in. As long as you’re okay. Have you spoken to Mark and your family?”

“Yeah. Um, Christian, the thing is I think if it’s okay I’d like to go.”

“Go?”

“Home.”

“Oh. Now?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, I just… The thing is I really need to get back if I can. For Mark and, well, I’d just like to get home as soon as I can.”

“Okay.”

“I know there’s the debrief,” rushed Seb, “but I’ve spoken to them already and really there hardly anything to look at for me. I mean my race lasted all of ten seconds, so it’s not like there’s much to analyse.”

“No, okay and you’ve done the pen?”

“Yeah.” Seb looked to him. “I know I’d be ducking out early.”

Christian shook his head.

“That’s alright. Sebi are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah I just… I told the doc I’d have a lie down first, but then I really want to get going. I can ring the plane and they can get ready and then, well, I’d just go.”

“Alright then,” nodded Christian. “As long as the doc’s cleared you.”

Sebastian let out a little sigh of relief and his boss wondered how he might think he would say no after what had occurred earlier.

“I’ll be in later in the week,” assured Sebastian.

“Hm?”

“The factory. I’m due in on Thursday.”

“Oh I see.”

“So if I need to catch up on anything, but...”

“Just go Seb, that’s fine.”

“Thank you.”

 

Sebastian dashed back across the pitlane, collecting Britta and avoiding eye-contact with Dr. Marko now back on the other side of the garage as he cut through. He wanted to apologise to the team, but it seemed best not to hang around any longer, so Seb set off back to the base, explaining to Britta as they went. As she deposited him in his room Sebastian sat down on his bed with a sigh.

“Does it look bad leaving early?” he worried.

“You leave me to worrying how things look,” asserted Britta. “You’ve spoken to the media. They’re busy with the race now so if you go in half an hour it’ll still be on and I doubt they’ll notice.”

“Okay, thanks.” Seb was pulling out his phone once more. “If I ring the plane now.”

“No I’ll sort all that,” asserted Britta. “You call Mark or your family and I’ll arrange everything.”

Seb gave her a smile.

“Thank you. Do you want to come with me?”

“On the flight?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you need me to?”

“No, I just, if you wanted to get back quicker.”

“Oh. Ah well I’ll have tidying up to do. As long as you’ll be alright on your own?”

“I’ll be okay.”

“Right then. Lie down while I find you some ice-packs,” instructed Britta. “I’ll be back shortly.”

 

Sebastian waited for the door to shut then lay slowly back, relieved both to be finally stopping and for Britta taking charge for him. He could always rely on her thank god. Always calm even when things felt chaotic. Sebastian closed his eyes feeling more tired than ever. God he ached. Seb knew he was going to hurt tomorrow. Mark would fuss over him. Seb wasn’t sure if he would be glad of that or not. Probably yes. He wished Mark was lying here alongside him like they used to. Poor Mark worrying at home. Seb re-opened his eyes and lifted the phone he had forgotten he was holding and pressed re-dial to let him know he would be on his way soon.

“Hey sweetheart, how’re you doing?”

Sebastian hadn’t felt up to Facetiming, so he lay with his eyes closed, absorbing Mark’s voice. Sometimes it was better that way.

“I’m having a lie down.”

“Good.”

“Are you alright?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I was doing the same, just on the sofa. I saw you talking to Christian.”

“Yeah. I’m coming home.”

“Now?”

“The doc said I should have a rest, then he’ll just come and see me then I can go.”

“I thought you’d seen him already?”

“I did. He just wants to check on me.”

Mark frowned.

“Why? Seb what’s going on?”

“No I just… I’m okay. Britta’s gone to get some ice-packs and she’s sorting everything out.”

“Well that’s great, but that’s not what I asked.”

Sebastian sighed.

“He just said I needed a rest. I’m okay, but I just… He just said he thought it was mild shock.”

“Shock?”

“Only a bit. I’m really just feeling a bit thrown and I needed a lie down.”

 

Mark could have commented that Sebastian had literally been thrown in that crash, but that wouldn't help. He wished he was with Seb so he could really see how he was.

“I’ll be alright when I get home,” asserted Sebastian.

“I want you home too. As long as you’re okay to fly. Are you sure you shouldn’t be at the med centre?”

“No I just want a rest. The doc’s coming back in a bit to clear me.”

“Hmm.”

“I just want to come home to you,” admitted Seb.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, me too darling. Okay, well as long as the doc clears you. I guess this is one of those times we wish you could magic yourself back here.”

“I always wish that.”

Mark huffed tiny laugh.

“Guess so.”

“It feels better to lie down.”

“Good.”

“Britta’s getting some ice.”

“Yes you said.”

“Oh.”

“It’s alright. Sweetheart, ah, god I wish I could give you a hug.”

“Me too.”

“Close your eyes.”

“They’re already closed,” replied Seb quietly.

“Okay.”

 

Mark took in a deep breath and with a look to be sure Teddy was still safely napping, he lay back down on the sofa.

“I’m lying next to you,” he stated, his voice soft and reassuring, “I’m putting my arms around you, very lightly.”

Seb huffed out a little laugh at that last addition.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“How’s the bruising?”

“I’m trying not to think about it.”

“Alright.”

“It’s okay like this.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“My ribs don’t hurt so much.”

“Hm.”

“It was mostly the belts.”

“Yeah. They did their job.”

“I’ll be alright. I just want to be home now.”

“Yeah. I want you home too darling.”

“Is Teddy okay?”

Mark reopened his eyes to look over to the crib.

“He’s sleeping.”

“Okay.”

 

Seb took another deep breath. Every now and again he felt the motion of the crash swirling in his head. He wondered if he would feel that if Mark was really holding him. There was a knock on the door and Seb’s eyes shot open as he jumped at the noise.

“It’s Britta. I’ve got to go. Sorry,” Seb explained, already sitting up.

“Alright.”

“I should ring my family again after.”

Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart I think if you could stop worrying about everyone else and actually take care of yourself that would be better.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll let them know you’re coming home. You can call from the car or just text.”

“Them or you?”

“Either. Both. Just take care of yourself and come home, alright?”

“Alright. I love you.”

“Love you too darling.”

 

Seb hung up and called Britta through, apologising for keeping her waiting as he took the ice-packs and listened to her update. He thanked her again for all her help, but in truth he was glad when she left him to it. The cold on his chest from the ice-packs made him wince a little, but they soothed too. Just a little while of this, then he could assure the doctor he was okay and fly home. The sooner the better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It seemed many long hours before Mark heard the noise of a car pulling up on the drive. Though it was only a little after six pm it felt far later to him. He jumped up from the sofa and encouraged the dogs to come with him as he went into the hallway, opening the door to see Seb climbing out of the car. Mark rushed over, the dogs following to tangle around their legs as he enveloped Seb in a careful hug. The driver studiously ignored them as he ferried bags from the boot of the car into the hallway. He was likewise ignored as Sebastian stayed pressed into Mark, only lifting away as Mark did to look at him.

“How are you doing?” Mark checked.

“Yeah, okay. Bit stiff.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay. Come inside.” He looked to the driver, only just noticing what he had been doing for them. “Oh cheers mate.”

The driver simply gave a nod as Sebastian also thanked him before the pair of them headed inside.

“Where’s Teddy?” Seb asked as they entered the hallway.

“Asleep.”

“Still?”

“No again. He was up in-between.”

“Oh okay.”

 

Mark took Seb’s hand to lead him into the lounge where Teddy slept in his crib. They both stood looking down on their son for a moment, then Mark put his hand at Seb’s cheek to look at him.

“How are you really?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“Bit squashed.”

Mark huffed a reluctant laugh at the description.

“Mm. Did they have ice-packs on the plane?”

“Yeah. Guess they saw me coming.”

“Or just have a decent first aid kit. I hope they looked after you.”

“I just lay down.”

“Okay.” Mark looked into those blue eyes to read them. “Do you feel better for a proper rest?”

“Yeah. Glad I’m home though.”

“Me too.” He paused. “Can I see?”

Sebastian paused as well, but he knew what Mark meant, so he started trying to pull his hoody off. Mark sighed and shook his head at the discomfort Seb couldn’t hide as he tried to lift his arms to undress.

“Alright no. Let me.”

 

He eased Sebastian’s hoody off for him, then the t-shirt underneath. Mark furrowed his brow as he examined him. It was only half a dozen hours since the crash, but he could already see bruises blooming on Seb’s skin, worst towards the top of his chest where the body tried to thrust forwards on impact. Mark saw a large dark shadow forming across Seb’s upper right arm as well and hmm’d unhappily.

“It’s just where the top bit inside the car is where I went sideways,” Sebastian explained.

“Into a wall.”

“Armco.”

“Mm. Anywhere else?”

Seb looked at him, but Mark raised an eyebrow and Seb knew there was no evading it.

“Further down I guess, my hip.”

Mark sighed thinking how hard he must have gone into the side for that to happen given how well padded drivers were in the cars.

“It’s not so bad,” defended Seb.

“Mm.”

“It’ll heal.”

“Yeah.”

“Liebling.”

Mark finally stopped examining him and looked back into Sebastian’s eyes.

“Yeah.”

“I’m okay now I’m home.”

 

Mark smiled and nodded, though he felt oddly like crying. Seb saw it and moved closer, slipping his arms around his middle as Mark lowered his head to let their cheeks rest together. At first neither of them spoke, merely appreciating the contact.

“I’m okay,” Seb whispered into his ear. “I’m really okay.”

“Yeah.”

They stayed that way for a minute, then Mark puffed out a breath and stood away, realising he was still holding Seb’s t-shirt in his hand. Mark didn’t much like the parallel; Seb half-dressed and covered in bruises stood in this lounge. He sighed and stroked over Sebastian’s left arm, reminding himself that at least the cause was different now. Their infant son lay asleep only a foot away, blissfully unaware of his parents’ tumult of emotions. Mark tried giving Seb a little smile, then helped him put his shirt back on.

“You gonna take it easy for a few days?”

“Yep.”

“Good. Want me to find some ice-packs?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Not right now. I’ve had them on plenty. I’m gonna see the doc when I go in on Thursday.”

Mark wanted to say he hoped Seb wasn’t planning any sim work or anything too strenuous with Antti, but now wasn’t the time and he suspected Dr Phillips would have something to say about that anyway.

“Okay. You need to go lie down?”

Seb shook his head again and stroked his hand down Mark’s arm.

“I just need you.”

“I can’t get you anything? Cup of tea, some dinner?”

“Just you.”

“’kay.”

 

Mark took a step towards the sofa and Seb followed, but as Mark sat down instead of sitting beside him Sebastian sat himself down across his lap, gaining a little smile as a consequence. Seb fitted his arms around Mark’s middle, Mark doing the same around the outside.

“It doesn’t hurt?” Mark checked.

Seb shook his head.

“Not more anyway.”

Mark sighed, knowing that was Seb admitting he _was_ hurting. To distract him Sebastian leaned in to kiss him, then turned his head further and rested his forehead into Mark’s. He breathed slowly, appreciating the comfort he had been longing for. As he took a deeper breath Seb gave Mark another kiss.

“This is what I’ve been waiting for.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry it must have given you such a fright.”

“I shouldn’t have encouraged you to go so hard at the start.”

Seb lifted his head away and pulled a face.

“Mark don’t be silly. No offence Liebling, but I didn’t do that because of you. I did it because that’s what you do. It was racing.”

“Hmm, and those two idiots nerfing you off.”

“Also racing Liebling, as you know.”

“Guess I do.”

 

Seb looked into those warm eyes, feeling as though he was dismissing Mark’s concerns.

“Sorry Liebling I’m not saying it was nothing.”

“I know you’re not.”

“It scared me too,” Seb confessed.

Mark looked at him.

“It scared you?”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. It scared you?”

Sebastian let out a heavy sigh.

“It’s hard to explain. Not really that I thought what might happen, more being out of control and I guess after.”

“When you were stopped?”

“Hm? No, later. It scared me a bit that I couldn’t remember what happened properly.”

Mark looked alarmed.

“You didn’t tell me that.”

“No Liebling I told you the doctor said it was shock.”

“You didn’t say you couldn't remember.”

 

Sebastian pouted, looking upset and Mark felt bad.

“Sorry. Just, you’re sure he said that’s all it was?”

Seb nodded.

“It’s not a blank, I’m not saying it right. It’s not… I don’t mean.” Seb shook his head. “Not like Monza. It’s not the same. I didn’t mean I don’t remember like that.”

“Okay,” soothed Mark.

“I remember everything around it. It’s just the crash is a bit of a blur. It was really fast and I think when everything went out of control I just… Well I’m not sure. I think maybe I couldn’t really take it in.”

“Okay,” nodded Mark. “Is that why you weren’t talking about it much in the interviews?”

“I guess. I didn’t really want to think too much about it. Not the detail. Then when Dr Phillips asked about it, that’s when it scared me.”

“Because it was blurry?”

“Maybe. Maybe… I just didn’t like being questioned by him.”

“He upset you?”

“No he was doing his job. He was really kind about it Mark. It was him I told that I wanted to go home to and he said he thought it was best.”

“Ah. Okay, so was it just thinking about it?”

“Yeah maybe. Do you think it’s bad?”

“What is?”

“That I freaked out so much.”

Mark sighed.

“Seb it’s not freaking out to be affected by a crash. The doctor said shock, right?”

“Right.”

“Which is natural and normal and it’s just stupid racing driver bullshit that makes out we all brush ourselves down without a care when the remains of your crashed car are being swept up and put into binbags.”

 

Seb wasn’t going to tell Mark off for swearing. Teddy was asleep anyway.

“Okay.”

“Sometimes it’s delayed reaction,” continued Mark. “I mean after Valencia that time I was fine immediately after, but later on it kindof hit me and looking back I’ve no idea how I did all those interviews and stuff.”

Looking at him Seb couldn’t imagine how terrified he would be to see Mark have such a crash now.

“And today I guess it’s a bit the same,” Mark continued. “You just powered on through them like you always do.”

Sebastian took a deeper breath.

“I just had to get them done.”

“Yeah.”

“Did I look okay?”

Mark huffed a little dry laugh.

“You always look okay, but I thought something was wrong when you weren’t saying anything about being hit. Most people would have been fuming. You would normally I’m sure, but today you just… I don’t know, you did your thing.”

“My thing?”

“You were performing for the cameras.”

“Oh.”

“Nobody’s better darling, but I can see when the smile doesn’t reach your eyes.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Mark dismissed. “They’re not important. It probably says quite a lot you can do that, but there’s only so long you can sustain that.”

“That’s why I needed to come home,” Seb explained. “To stop.”

“Stop?”

“Stop faking it.”

“Ah.”

“I didn’t mean to lie to you Liebling, saying I was fine. I just wanted you not to worry. You sounded so upset and Teddy was crying and I felt awful.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

“It wasn’t meant as a lie.”

Mark gently rubbed over Seb’s unhurt left arm.

“No darling. That’s okay.”

“I didn’t mean to lie to you,” repeated Seb.

“It doesn’t count,” Mark assured him, hearing the anxiety in his voice. “Don’t stress about it sweetheart. You were just thinking of us.”

“Yeah. I just didn’t want you worrying when you were so far away.”

“I know. It’s okay.”

 

Seb rested his head down on Mark’s right shoulder, pressing his largely uninjured left side into him.

“You know I thought I might have a really good race today.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Oh god sweetheart that all rather pales into insignificance doesn’t it?”

“I guess.”

Mark angled his head to look at him.

“Are you really disappointed?”

“No I guess you’re right. It all seems pretty remote now. It’s just we put so much time and effort in and all for nothing.”

“Not nothing.”

Sebastian took in the deepest of breaths trying to push that all aside, then regretted it. He couldn’t stop himself wincing and Mark pulled an unhappy face.

“Oh sweetheart.”

“It’s just where the belts were.”

“ _Just_.”

They looked to one another before Mark spoke again.

 

“Sweetheart just so long as you come home to us, that’s the only result of a race I care about.” Mark shook his head. “I’m not asking you not to race. I’m not asking you to change _how_ you race. I just…” He sighed out a long breath. “I’m just so glad you’re home and you’re safe and that’s all that matters. That’s the only thing I really care about because I love you and… the thought… the thought of losing you.”

Mark’s voice broke and there was nothing he could do to stop the tears he’d held back earlier from spilling out now. Seb sat up, slinging his arms around Mark’s neck and pressing in with no thought now of whether it hurt or not.

“Liebling. I’m sorry.”

It took all of Mark’s strength not to squeeze Seb as tightly as he wanted to. Instead he kept his arms as lightly around him as he could and took in a calming breath, feeling Seb’s body lying into his own.

“It’s not your fault darling, but when I didn’t hear anything on the radio it just scared me so badly.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Mark let go one arm round Seb to quickly wipe away at his face and they sat a fraction more apart to look at one another.

“No darling.”

“I tried to get on it as soon as I could.”

“I know.”

“It was the first thing I thought of, but the crash, it knocked all the wind out of me.”

Mark nodded.

“I know. It does that. The straps.”

“Yeah. I did try though Liebling. I wanted to let you know I was alright. I knew you’d be so worried.”

Mark nodded again.

“I think it just _felt_ longer sweetheart. You know?”

Seb nodded back.

“Yeah that’s why I got out as soon as I could and I was looking so I could wave so you’d know I was alright.”

“Yeah thank you. And you called sweetheart. You did all you could and I’m grateful.”

“I knew you’d be so worried Liebling. That was all I could really think about.”

 

Mark raised his hand and stroked over Seb’s cheek. Crashed, hurt, race destroyed and Seb all thought of was him.

“I think maybe that’s why you didn’t feel the shock till later,” he guessed.

“Hm?”

“Thinking of others, pushing yourself to get all the stuff done you needed to for the team and then you stop and that’s when it hits you.”

“Oh. Yeah I guess.”

Mark looked into his eyes.

“You’re not still feeling it are you? You don’t feel shaky or I don’t know, anything like that?”

“No I’m okay now I’m like this. Now I’m home and I’m with you.”

“Okay.”

“I just needed you to hold me. I’m always okay when you do that.”

Sebastian leaned a little more into Mark.

“Just feeling you next to me,” Seb continued. “It makes me feel so much better. It makes my heart beat slower and all the blood in my body flow right, like all the tension’s gone and I just… I just feel _right_ again.”

 

Mark kept one arm around Sebastian and with his spare hand he smoothed gently over his side. He rested his temple by Seb’s.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there darling.”

“No Liebling you were here looking after Teddy. I hate that he was upset by it.”

“He didn’t understand sweetheart. It was me. I unsettled him.”

They both looked over at their son still sleeping.

“That’s not your fault,” Seb assured Mark.

Mark sighed.

“I just needed this too. Needed to see you, have you in my arms, keep you close.”

Sebastian settled into him.

“It’s okay now.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark quietly.

“Can we just stay like this?”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh and kissed Seb’s temple before placing his own back against it.

“Darling I don’t know how I ever let you go.”

 

They finally fell silent, appreciating being together and at rest. Sebastian pushed aside all thoughts of where he hurt or how stiff his neck and the rest of his muscles would be in the morning. He didn’t think about his lost race, or what the team, or the media, might think about him leaving before the race had even ended. All he thought about was how comforting it felt to be in Mark’s arms, to feel him breathing with him and know everything was alright now.

Mark thought only of one thing: There was no chance he was staying home for the next race. Thank god it was Barcelona coming up, but first they had a decent break and Mark thought he just take that bit about not letting Seb go entirely literally.

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For once I shall be very glad if I have utterly failed to predict tomorrow's race result.


	221. Day Trippers

* * *

 

 

 

Had it not been for Fabian being in school during the week Seb knew his parents would have liked to come to see him earlier than on the Saturday as originally planned. In truth though he was quite grateful for the days at home with just Mark and Teddy. He didn’t fight Mark making a fuss of him, knowing it helped Mark in a way to feel he was doing something after feeling helpless when the accident occurred so far away. It was nice anyway, just to spend time as a family, he and Mark sitting playing with Teddy on a blanket on the grass in the garden or going out for walks with the dogs, even if Mark did insist on not only always being the one to wear the carrier, but to push the pram as well if they did that instead.

By the time their visitors arrived on Saturday morning at least Seb could honestly tell them he was feeling much better.

“And the doctor was happy when he saw you the other day?” checked his mother as they all sat in the lounge catching up.

“It was fine Mum.”

“You’re sure he thinks you’ll be alright to race next weekend?”

Sebastian glanced to Mark. His mother made Mark fussing seem like nothing.

“Yes. Really it’s just a bit of bruising. I’m much better and in a week it won’t even show probably.”

“Well we’re very glad to hear that, aren’t we dear?” intervened Norbert.

“Of course,” she agreed.

Seb looked to Mark for help.

“Vitamin C and lots of this nice May sunshine works wonders,” Mark offered briskly. “Now then Heike could you maybe take Teddy while we sort drinks?”

Heike immediately perked up, distracted exactly as they intended while she happily accepted her grandchild to hold while Mark took drink orders.

“I’ll help,” piped up Fabian.

“Good stuff mate.”

 

 

They went through into the kitchen, the dogs pattering after them. Mark set about boiling the kettle whilst Fabian stood giving Shadow and Simba another stroke, Seb by him. As his brother looked up from the dogs Seb angled his head a little to try to read him.

“I’m really alright you know?” he assured.

Fabian nodded. They had spoken several times since the crash on the previous Sunday, but it did feel better to see his brother in person. Mark had come back over now all the mugs were set out waiting and put his arm around Sebastian.

“You know your brother's tough as old boots don’t you mate?”

“Course.”

Mark smiled warmly at Fabian then gave Seb a kiss on the cheek, knowing that he always felt at least a little anxious about family visits.

“Right, two coffees, two teas, one OJ,” Mark listed briskly. “Juice in the fridge where it normally is Fabe, help yourself.”

Fabian did as directed whilst the other two made up the hot drinks and put some biscuits on a plate to take through.

 

They deposited everything on the coffee table in the lounge, Heike and Norbert barely noticing as they smiled at Teddy sat on his grandmother’s knee. Norbert chubbed his cheek, then looked to Seb and Mark.

“He’s getting big isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Doing good isn’t he sweetheart?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m so glad he’s got all those vaccinations out of the way,” commented Heike.

“Ha, aren’t we all?” laughed Mark. “Now then, Heike this is yours, no sugar, Norbert no milk, and these are Pauline's homemade bickies, so you’d better take one before Fabian snaffles the lot.”

“Hey,” protested Fabian good-naturedly.

Mark just gave him a friendly wink as he distributed refreshments.

 

They all sat chatting for a while, Heike eventually allowing Teddy to be passed on to her husband and eventually Fabian who seemed to be amusing himself as much as the baby by pulling faces at him and getting him to laugh.

“He likes you,” noted Seb.

Fabian smiled at him.

“Course he does. I’m his only Onkel.”

“Ha, what about Jan?”

“Oh.”

“And Dean,” added Mark, “but they’re one removed I guess, so you’re definitely in pole position on the uncle front.”

Fabian perked up at that.

“We brought some presents,” he announced.

“Ah bribery,” Mark smiled.

“No they’re from all of us,” Fabian excused. “Dad where did you put them?”

“In the hall. I’ll grab them.”

 

Norbert got up and returned with two packages that he handed over. Sebastian looked over at his parents on the other sofa.

“You really didn’t need to.”

“Well they’re for Teddy really.”

“Even so.”

“Just little things we thought would be useful.”

“Well, thanks.”

“It’s very kind,” offered Mark as Seb picked one up to open.

 

Sebastian opened the box and pulled out the contents, then looked up.

“Ah that’s lovely.”

Heike beamed.

“Well you said Teddy was going in his cot more these days for naps.”

“Yeah.”

He held up the mobile designed to be attached to cot railings and Mark sent the dangling little toy animals spinning round.

“That’s great. He’ll love that.”

“We thought it went well with the decoration in there.”

Mark nodded.

“Very thoughtful.”

“Fabian found it online.”

Fabian looked up from dancing the toy dinosaur in front of Teddy.

“I thought racing cars, but Mum said this would be better.”

“It’s very nice,” assured Sebastian. “We’ll have to fix it on.”

“Is Teddy still sleeping in with you mostly?” asked Heike.

“Yeah.”

“I think Sofie had gone in her nursery by four months.”

Sebastian glanced to Mark.

“He’s still small.”

Mark sat his hand in Seb’s.

“Prem wasn’t he darling? We want to keep an eye on him a while longer. Anyway, it’s easier when it’s been just me.”

“You said you’re going to the next race though?” checked Norbert.

“Yep, but you know.” Mark shrugged. “I reckon we’ll just see how we go.”

“He’s fine in the crib until he can sit up,” added Seb. “We checked.”

“Course he is.”

“Well, anyway,” moved on Norbert, “on the note of you going along to races again. Your mother had an idea about that.”

“Oh yes,” Heike perked up, “that’s the other one.”

 

Sebastian set down the cot mobile and they opened the other box, he and Mark frowning a little at the gauzy fabric they pulled out.

“It’s a shade for the pram,” explained Heike. “It should fit around the hood to block the sun a bit and...” she paused and glanced to her husband. “Just to shield him a bit.”

“Oh I see,” nodded Seb, turning it around the right way so they could see how the shape might fit.

“I just thought it might be useful.”

“It’s great,” assured Mark. “We’ll have to try it out.”

“I kept the receipt.”

“Thanks Mum. Very thoughtful.”

“Might be sunny in Spain,” added Norbert.

“Has been known,” Mark agreed.

“And if it’s busy you know.”

 

Mark nodded and they both looked over to Teddy still being entertained by his young uncle. They knew that with him returning to accompanying Seb to races they renewed the risk of media interest in their son. They didn’t need it spelling out to understand that it wasn’t the sun that they were thinking of shielding him from, but prying eyes and more pertinently, cameras.

“We thought we could go for a walk after lunch,” he suggested. “We could give it a go then couldn't we sweetheart?”

“Yep.” Sebastian gave his parents a smile. “It’s very kind of you. Though you really don’t need to bring presents every time you come.”

“Oh they don’t really count as presents,” dismissed Heike. “They’re just useful things.”

“I’m sure we’ll put them to good use,” Mark assured. “So, we’ve got lamb or chicken for lunch. We weren’t sure which you’d prefer?”

“Whichever’s easiest.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“They both just go in the oven. Whichever we don’t have today we’ll eat tomorrow.”

“Oh, well.”

“Chicken,” decided Fabian, none of the polite restraint of his parents. “Have we got pudding?”

“Specially for you Fabe,” smiled Mark. “We have raspberry pavlova no less.”

“Awesome.”

Mark laughed and shook his head. He and Seb would really only be eating the extra raspberries they were adding to the shop bought desert, but the way to a teenage boy’s heart was via his stomach and they were confident Fabian would polish off most of it for them.

 

 

A couple of hours later they were all walking along the lane leading from their house, Mark holding Shadow’s lead, Fabian taking Simba’s with Norbert beside them. Seb was a few paces behind with his mother pushing the pram with Teddy in.

They had tried out the pram shade back at the house, clipping it on the raised hood and fixing it in front. Sebastian and Mark were impressed to find that from a foot or so away as you stood holding the handle you could still see the baby through the white gauzy material, but once you got further than that, the vision blurred and from a couple of steps away it merely looked white and you couldn't even see if there was a child in there or not.

They hadn’t left the sun-screen on though, despite the pleasant weather. There was a gentle breeze blowing and the sun wasn’t too hot, so they simply left the hood up to provide a bit of shelter and left the covers off for Teddy to freely waggle his little legs and enjoy all the attention he was getting.

Heike smiled down at him then reached in to touch his bare feet, Teddy kicking them and gurgling happily in response.

“Aren’t babies’ toes the most gorgeous thing in the whole world?” she cooed.

Seb huffed a little laugh as his mother leaned in again Teddy reaching up towards her. Heike let him touch her face before lifting away.

“Gorgeous,” she repeated. “I could just eat him up.”

“Mum, what a thing to say.”

“Oh it’s just a silly saying. He is beautiful though.”

“Yeah he is,” agreed Seb, reaching in himself to tickle Teddy’s toes and smiling at the reaction he got.

They stopped at a cross-roads, Heike placing her hand on Seb’s arm to stop him whilst she looked both ways despite the fact that not so much as a tractor had been down this road all afternoon. Then satisfied it was clear, they carefully bumped down the pavement, Seb helping by holding onto the far end of the pram so it didn’t jolt the baby too much, then crossing the road at the junction to carry on.

 

“It’s so peaceful here,” observed Heike, looking around at the fields beyond the hedgerow next to where they walked.

“Yep. Why we like it,” Seb confirmed.

“Yes, and such a nice house you have.”

“Thanks.”

“And you’re happy here?”

Seb frowned a little.

“Of course we are. Why?”

“No I’m just glad. I don’t suppose I ever thought you’d end up living in England though.”

Sebastian hid a little sigh. He knew what she was hinting at.

“Mum we’re really very happy here. It’s perfect. Close to work for me and Mark’s had the house a long time. It’s our home.”

Heike shook her head.

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t be dear.”

“We will try to do more of this. Come over some time hopefully.”

“Of course. We know how busy you are.”

 

Seb looked ahead to where Mark was clearly teasing Fabian about something, making his father laugh. He was so good with his family, but Seb knew his husband wouldn't be too happy with his mother making more comments like this, no matter how well-intended.

“Yeah. Mum we really do try you know.”

“Oh I know dear.”

“And you’re coming to Austria.”

“Of course. Your brother's very excited about that and I can babysit Teddy, so that’ll be nice.”

“Good, well...”

“You are still alright racing aren’t you?”

Sebastian stopped and looked at her.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, last weekend.”

“Mum it looked worse than it really was.”

“That bruise looks horrible on your arm.”

Sebastian sighed, but he couldn't help glancing down at where the edge of his t-shirt sleeve exposed part of his upper arm. He should have worn a long sleeved one, but it was so nice out today.

“That’s just the worst one. They’re healing.”

“Mm.”

Heike looked at him, not at all liking the implication that the bruise she could see was only one of many.

“Mum I’m okay. I know it must have been awful to watch and I’m sorry.”

“No dear I know these things happen. I just hate thinking about you getting hurt.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and let it out slowly as they carried on walking. His mother couldn’t deal with him getting a few bruises from a crash. He couldn’t imagine how she would ever handle learning that he was only too familiar with how bruises felt, how long they took to heal and why he knew that. He could never tell her about the bruises he’d got in other ways. She’d never seen them, never asked those questions, never knew how far worse things accompanied them. She could never, _ever_ know.

“Yeah. I’m really sorry Mum. I know it’s hard on you.”

“No I’m okay, really, I’m just thinking of you dear.”

“I’m okay. Been worse.”

“And Mark.”

“Mark supports me Mum. He always has.”

“Of course he does. I don’t mean...”

“We’ve talked about it.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian paused and looked at his mother.

“Mum do you wish I wouldn't race?”

“What? No sweetheart. You’ve always raced. I remember you on that little kart your dad got you. You’d go too fast and come off, then you’d cry and I’d clean up your knee or whatever you’d scraped and then you’d be right back on it. Couldn't stop you. Couldn’t stop you...”

“Mum I’m sorry.”

“You’d think I’d be used to it by now. All these years.”

“I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you. I don’t want you to worry.”

Heike huffed a dry laugh.

“Oh Seb. Of course I worry.”

Sebastian sighed.

“If you ever asked me to stop, I’d stop.”

Heike put her hand on his arm.

“I wouldn't do that.”

“But if you asked. If it’s too much. I know it must be hard. Though I guess not really. I don’t know exactly how it is for you.”

Heike nodded to Teddy.

“You will.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Teddy’s not racing.”

“Oh?”

“No. Well, we’re certainly not pushing him into it.”

Heike nodded.

“Perhaps you do already know then dear. Because I still worry about you crossing the road, so, well that’s just being a parent. I worry about how Fabian’s getting on at school; I worry about Stef coping going back to work; I worry whether Melanie will ever settle down.”

“Mum I’m sure Mel would love to,” pointed out Sebastian.

“I’m sure if she could just meet a nice boy and give him a chance.”

“Mum.”

“Like you did.”

Sebastian accidentally laughed.

“Yeah it wasn’t exactly like that.”

“Well anyway.”

“And I don’t think we can really get away with classifying Mark as a boy.”

 

Heike looked forwards at the six foot tall man striding along further down the pavement towering higher than both Fabian and Norbert now stood either side of him.

“No, well perhaps not. Anyway, my point was, you worry pretty much whatever the situation when it comes to your children.” She nodded down at Teddy. “And grandchildren.”

Sebastian nodded and his mother patted his hand.

“So I’d worry either way,” she emphasised.

“I’m still sorry to cause you more worry,” Seb apologised. “I really never meant to cause you any worry. I know racing’s dangerous, but it really does look worse than it usually is. Safety’s so much better these days and the cars really take most of any hit and… I know after what happened, after Monza, I know it must be worse to see, but I am okay.”

“Okay,” nodded Heike.

 

She let go of the pram handle for a moment and gently hugged him.

“We’re just glad you’re alright.”

“Thanks.”

“And we really worry far less about you these days,” Heike noted.

Sebastian opened his mouth, trying to think of a response to that.

“Because we did for a while,” she confessed. “I did certainly.” Heike gave him a reassuring smile, then hurried; “But that’s all over with now thankfully isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” managed Seb, feeling a horrible clutching in his chest knowing exactly to whom his mother was referring.

“Anyway, least mentioned, but we’re so glad you’re happy with Mark and now Teddy of course. You make such a lovely family.”

“Thanks Mum,” Seb replied quietly.

“So, well, don’t worry about us.”

“We really will try to arrange more visits.”

“Well that would be nice, but don’t fret about it.”

“We’ll look at the diary.”

“Whenever you’re free.”

 

Heike started pushing the pram along again so they didn’t get too far behind the others.

“So,” she picked up, trying to sound more positive, “you’re looking forward to having Mark and Teddy with you in Barcelona?”

“Yeah I am actually. I know it’s not without issue, the press and that, but it will be nice to have them with me. I hate being apart from them.”

Heike nodded.

“I’m sure.”

“And the sun-shade thing you got for the pram, that was a good idea Mum thanks.”

His mother smiled, looking pleased.

“Well I’m just glad it fitted alright. It did say universal, but you never know.”

“Looked good.”

“One less little worry hopefully,” she offered.

“Yeah, thanks.”

Sebastian looked at Teddy. Some photographer could still get a shot through if they came right up to the pram perhaps, but after Melbourne he doubted anyone would dare and it would mean they couldn’t get a sneaky shot from further away.

“We’ll have to keep our fingers crossed it doesn’t rain now,” he noted.

Heike laughed.

“Oh yes. I didn’t think of that. Well, Spain, you’d think not.”

“It’s actually got a rain cover.”

“Really?”

“Yeah fits in the same way, but it’s clear obviously, just plastic mostly.”

“Of course, well I suppose you need it living here.”

Sebastian shook his head and pushed out his lips a little to disagree.

“It doesn’t rain as much as people think in England. It’s just more changeable sometimes.”

Heike nodded.

“And you said you use the carrier a lot.”

“Yeah, well it’s more practical on the footpaths. We’ve done quite a lot of that this week, going for walks and stuff.”

“You have been taking it easy haven’t you?”

“They’re only walks Mum. Mark’s been taking Teddy.”

“Mm.”

“We left off running until I’d seen the doc.”

“Good.”

“Just went swimming instead.”

Heike sighed.

“You never stop.”

“It’s just what you’ve got to do,” he shrugged. “I’ll do some training proper from tomorrow, get up to speed for next weekend.”

Heike wanted to sigh again. There really was no stopping him. Even Sebastian’s version of having a rest during his time off seemed to involve quite a lot of exercise to her mind.

 

“Well I’m glad Dr Phillips said you were alright,” she replied. “He seems a nice sensible man.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s good someone’s there to look out for you.”

“Mum Mark’ll be with me for these races coming up.”

“No I know. I didn’t mean that. I meant in the team. They always seem to work you so hard.”

“I want to work hard Mum. I like it, the stuff I do with the engineers and the guys in the garage.”

“You always seem to be staying late.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It’s just what you’ve got to do.”

“And when Teddy’s with you at races.”

“Mark will have him.” Seb looked to his mother. “I won’t stay any longer than I have to, but I do have to do some things.”

“I’m sure.”

“And it helps for the races, to understand it all, to see what they’re doing with the car so I can feedback better.”

“You’ve always worked hard. I hope they appreciate it.”

“I’m sure they do Mum.”

“Hm.”

“And really, you know I get more time at home than plenty of parents do. This month has been busy, but to the summer it’s mostly alternate weekends.”

“Good. I know Jan struggles sometimes. Your sister's always saying he’d like more time at home with Sofie.”

“Mm, well into the break now we’re probably just going to stick together. Nearly all the races are roughly two hours away, so that’s not too bad.”

“No much better, and hopefully Teddy won’t find flying so difficult now.”

“We hope so. Over with more quickly anyway.”

“Yes.”

“We’re just trying to find a balance,” explained Seb. “I know we’re not the most conventional family.”

“Oh don’t worry about that.”

“No, well, it’ll be better to be together.”

“I’m sure.”

“For Mark too. I didn’t like leaving him managing on his own.”

“Hm, I can’t imagine having left your father looking after you for a whole weekend as a baby.”

“Mark’s not like Dad.”

“That’s certainly true.”

“He did great Mum. Mark’s a wonderful father.”

“I can see that dear. He has a very caring nature.”

“Yeah.” Seb gazed forward to his husband walking ahead. “He’s amazing.”

 

Heike heard the wistful tone in her son’s voice.

“We’re very glad he makes you happy.”

Seb turned to her.

“He does. All this, it’s a dream come true really. I’d never have imagined I got this.”

“Got this?”

Sebastian shrugged it off.

“Oh you know, getting married, getting Teddy. I know how lucky I am.”

“I’m sure Mark thinks the same.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah guess so.”

“I’m sure he does dear.”

“He does so much to support me, taking time out, coming with me, everything really.” Sebastian looked to his mother. “Oh I mean, I know you do too.”

Heike shook her head.

“It’s not a competition. It’s wonderful that you have him, that you have each other. We’re just pleased you’re happy these days.”

“We are.”

“Good. That’s all that matters in the end,” assured his mother. “You know your father and I just want you to be happy. That’s why we let you do your racing and go off doing all that, even though it worried us. We just wanted you to have the future you deserved and for you to be happy. Just like I’m sure you do for Teddy.”

“Yeah. Thank you. I do appreciate it.”

 

Heike smiled and nodded. Seb gave his mother a smile back, then looked at his son, but behind his smile all Sebastian could think about was how he wasn’t letting Teddy out of his or Mark’s sight unless they were one hundred percent certain he was safe somewhere like school. No teenage trips off on his own, no weak excuses about nights spent at friends, no letting anyone influence him away from his parents, no growing up too fast. No history repeating. Nothing bad was going to happen to their son. Nothing. Seb didn’t care if Teddy thought them too strict, or didn’t have the freedom other kids had. Seb would protect him. He wouldn't know the dangers Seb had and those his mother was still ignorant of. If anyone ever hurt their son Seb thought he would kill them. His mother could never know.

 

Keeping the smile on his face they walked on, Seb let his mother do all the pram pushing, knowing it made her happy. All she wanted was some time with her grandson and to be sure her son was safe after his crash. It wasn’t much to ask. Seb would never break her heart by telling her the truth.

“Perhaps in June sometime we could come over?” he proposed. “I’d have to check with Mark and work stuff.”

“Any time you like. You’re always welcome. Or we can come again if it’s easier.”

“Mm, I’ll talk to Mark.”

“Of course. Whatever suits you best. We’re very glad to come today, though really, such a fuss with that fancy plane. We really could have got a normal flight. I don’t want to think what it cost you.”

“It’s just easier.”

“Well, very comfy anyway,” offered Heike, not wanting to argue when it had taken so long to arrange this visit and agreeing to Seb’s plans seemed to be the only way to get it. “Very kind of you to pay for it.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“We’ve got the money.”

“Mm.”

“You know Mum if you ever needed anything…”

Heike frowned, then realised what he was saying.

“Tsk, take money from our son? The very idea.”

His mother sounded offended by the notion so Seb dropped it. Mark’s parents were the same. The most they ever managed to persuade them to accept was travel expenses paid for to come and see them or to go to their races. He glanced down to Teddy wondering if he would ever offer him and Mark money for if they needed anything. Sebastian doubted with their savings that was likely, but even if it was he couldn't imagine accepting except in dire need.

 

“Oh and don’t be thinking you need to send the plane for us to come to Austria,” ploughed on Heike, “Your father has already planned out our drive down. It’s not so far and very scenic by the looks of it.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Has Dad been researching?”

“He has. Fabian helped on his computer, so we’re all set.”

“Great. It’ll be really nice to have you there. Do you want to be in the garage?”

“Oh no I don’t think so if you don’t mind. I’d rather look after Teddy if Mark wants to watch you.”

“Okay. Well I’ll speak to the team and sort it. Don’t spose I need to ask if Fabe wants to go in there.”

“No he’s very keen.” Heike smiled, then glanced forwards. “Do speak to your brother dear.”

“Hm?”

“Just, you know. Now, we should catch up. Mark’s long legs, they’ll be half a mile ahead at this rate.”

His mother picked up her pace so Seb did the same, but he wondered what she meant by her comment about Fabian, then passing over it so fast.

 

 

When they got back to the house Seb suggested they sit out in the garden while the sun lasted. Mark stood jigging Teddy in his arms as he decided to cry once removed from his pram.

“Shall I try a bottle?” Seb offered.

“Yeah couldn’t hurt,” Mark agreed.

Sebastian nodded and headed into the kitchen to make it up. A few moments later he turned to see his brother coming inside.

“Everything okay?” he checked.

“Yeah I just thought I’d make drinks.”

“Oh yeah sorry I should have offered.”

“No that’s okay. Teddy makes a lot of noise doesn’t he?”

Seb laughed.

“Yeah he’s good at that. I’ll stick the kettle on.”

 

They stood waiting, so Seb thought this a good chance to see what his mother had been getting at earlier. From the window he could see Mark still trying to soothe their son while his parents had grateful sit downs in the garden chairs.

“So um, Fabe I was saying to Mum that we’d have a look to see if there’s a day we can do this back to come to you in June maybe.”

“Oh right, yeah that’d be good.”

“Could you maybe have a look when you’re free and text me?”

“Me?”

“Yeah. I don’t know if you’ve got football, or if you’re seeing Ana or something.”

“Oh okay. Sure.”

Seb looked at him.

“Things still okay there?”

“With Ana?”

“Yeah.”

Fabian nodded.

“Yeah good.”

“Anything you wanted to talk about?”

Fabian shook his head.

“Okay,” consented Seb. “Just if there was, you know I’m always available for my extensive knowledge and advice on girls.”

Fabian lightened up and laughed.

“Right, thanks. No we’re good.” He glanced outside to their parents. “We’re just, you know, having some fun and hanging out and stuff. Nothing you need to worry about.”

“That I need to worry about?” questioned Seb raising an eyebrow.

“Well, you always say about not rushing things.”

“Ah, do I?”

“Yeah.”

“Right, well that sounds like not bad advice.”

Fabian shook his head.

“Really Seb, you do give good advice, and Mark.”

“Ah well I can’t remember what I said last time.”

Fabian shrugged.

“Just stuff about respecting her and not worrying about what anyone else thinks.”

“That sounds like Mark.”

“No, you too.”

“Well, so that’s working out?”

“Yeah. I really do like her you know. She’s really smart and funny. I just like spending time with her. I don’t want to mess it up.”

“I’m sure you won’t.”

“Well anyway, we’re cool.”

“Good.”

Fabian laughed again.

“You’re not asking me how far we’ve gone.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It’s nobody’s business but yours and Ana’s.”

“Thanks. Though actually we haven’t, you know...”

Fabian went a little pink, so Seb picked things up to save him feeling embarrassed.

“Right, well, long view and that. She sounds pretty special.”

“She is.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Good then.”

 

Fabian started making up the drinks as Seb checked the bottle.

“You know you’re so much easier than Mum,” Fabian admitted. “Half the time she’s worrying I might do something stupid like make her a grandmother again and the other half she’s dropping hints that a nice girl like Ana is the sort you marry.”

Sebastian burst out laughing.

“Bloody hell Fabe. You’re still at school.”

“I know. _Honestly_.”

Sebastian laughed again and shook his head.

“She means well.”

“I know, but, anyway it’s fine.”

“Perhaps she could be there when we come to visit you guys?”

“Mum?”

“No you numpty. Ana.”

“Oh.” Fabian went a little pink at the collar again. “Um, I dunno. I think maybe that might be a bit… I’m not sure. She might get a bit...”

“Bit too soon to be presented?”

“God Seb I think I’d terrify her if I put it like that.”

“Sorry. Well, some time anyway it’d be nice to meet her. Mark and I aren’t that scary.”

“No I know, just our family en masse.”

“Ah. Yeah. I think even Mark was nervous of that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He’s not quite as tough as he looks.”

 

Fabian looked outside. It was hard to imagine Mark being nervous of anything.

“Do you want drinks?” he asked.

“Hm? Oh yeah do us two coffees thanks. Black, no sugar.”

Fabian nodded and started making up a tray.

“Got any more of Pauline's biscuits?”

“Sure.” Seb found the large tupperware box on the other counter. “She anticipated you being here.”

“Ha, cheers. Tell her thank you.”

Sebastian passed his brother a plate for them, then looked at the machine to check it was progressing making up the bottle for Teddy who he could still hear wailing outside.

“So um, other than that, all okay?” he checked.

“Course. I mean, school, but apart from that.”

“What about school?”

“Just, school. Having to go. All that.”

“Ah. Well I don’t think I can help there.”

“No, well…”

“And nothing else?”

 

Fabian stopped arranging mugs on the tray and turned to his brother.

“What’s this about?”

Seb shrugged.

“Nothing, I just wanted to check.”

“Seb?”

Sebastian sighed. Rumbled.

“Okay so Mum just said something, that’s all.”

“What?”

“Just that I should talk to you.”

“We talk all the time.”

“Right, but… There’s nothing?”

“I’m fine.”

Seb frowned. That sounded familiar.

“Okay, well, if you’re sure.”

“Mum just fusses,” dismissed Fabian. “You know what she’s like.”

“Mm.”

“I mean you’re alright aren’t you?” Fabian turned back on him.

“Yeah I’m alright. Just bruises. They’re getting better.”

“Good.”

“I know it must have been scary.”

“Yeah.”

 

They looked at one another and Seb nodded, reading more in his brother's eyes than what he said.

“I’m sorry you had to see it.”

“It’s okay. Just… It did look pretty bad.

Seb nodded.

“Have you watched it back?” Fabian enquired.

“No. I don’t think Mark would like that much.”

“Guess not.”

“I’m sorry you had to see it at all.”

Fabian shrugged.

“Just. Bad memories, that’s all. And Mum got, you know...”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian put down the bottle he was holding and gave his brother a hug. Mark would forgive him for being slow in here. He looked Fabian in the eye.

“You know I bounce right? Practically made of rubber.”

Fabian gave him a half smile.

“Idiot.”

“Yeah. All those knocks to the head.”

“Seb that’s not funny.”

“Sorry.”

“You really didn’t this time?”

“No I promise. The doc ran a bunch of extra tests when I was in the other day. I’m really okay.”

“Good.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I was saying about Austria to Mum about you coming in the garage, you know so you can keep an eye on me.”

“I’d like that.”

“Thought so.”

“Great, well I’ll let you know when it’s all arranged. I fear you’ve got a six hour drive with Mum and Dad to get there though.”

“iPod.”

“Good plan. Well, not that far off now.”

 

Sebastian picked the bottle up out of the machine as it beeped and checked the temperature on the back of his hand to be sure.

“You okay with that tray?”

“Sure. Seb...”

“Mm?”

“Could I maybe come again some time? Here I mean. Just me.”

“Course.”

“When?”

Sebastian took a deep breath. He knew he kept fobbing his brother off on this and it wasn’t fair.

“I’ll have a word with Mark.”

“Okay.”

Fabian sounded disappointed and Seb felt guilty.

“Today, while you’re here,” he promised.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. Then we can get it fixed up.”

Sebastian saw the way his brother stood taller at that and resolved to make certain it was all arranged before his family left. He couldn't keep letting his little brother down.

“Great, yeah that’d be brilliant. Really any time I can come.”

“We’ll sort it,” vowed Sebastian. “Right, before Teddy gets up and walks in here himself for this.”

He held up the bottle to indicate it and Fabian nodded, the pair of them taking drinks out for all the family.

 

 

 

Some time later they were back in the lounge, Teddy happily bouncing up and down in his bouncer whilst Fabian sat in front of him, occasionally bopping the dangling toys towards the baby to entertain him.

“You’re doing good work Fabe,” noted Mark. “We’ll have to get you babysitting.”

Fabian turned to where he was sat with Seb on the sofa.

“Sure.”

“Actually we should make a start on dinner. You alright keeping an eye on him while he’s happy?”

“I can help with dinner,” offered Heike.

“Oh we’re fine.”

The pair of them stood and Seb looked to his mother.

“If you could just supervise, that’d be a big help.”

“I don’t need supervising,” argued Fabian.

“I’ll make sure Teddy’s alright,” breezed on Heike, ignoring her younger son.

 

Sebastian nodded thanks, going through with Mark to sort out the next meal.

“Poor Fabe,” smiled Mark. “Always maligned.”

“I don’t malign him.”

“Not you darling.”

“I just wanted a moment with you really,” admitted Seb.

“Hm?”

“Um, so I had a bit of a chat with Mum earlier.”

“I thought you looked in deep conversation.”

“Yeah. Thanks for being so good with my dad.”

“Nah no bother. We were discussing their new car.”

“Ah okay.”

“Your Mum alright?”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“I think she’s still a bit upset about last weekend.”

“Mm,” nodded Mark.

“I tried to reassure her.”

“I’m sure she’ll be alright now she’s seen you.”

“Hope so.”

Mark put his arm around Seb to give him a half-hug.

“She will. Always better in person isn’t it?”

“Yeah, guess so.”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“She’ll be fine. And seeing Teddy will have cheered her right up I have no doubt.”

“Yeah.” Seb huffed a laugh. “I think she held him for his entire nap this afternoon.”

“Well, got to take her opportunities.”

“Mm. Oh, speaking of which Liebling, she’s dropped a couple of hints about Austria, that she’d like to babysit a bit so, I mean I don’t know if you want to come into the garage with Fabe and my dad or, just generally for her to help out, but...”

“Well why don’t we see how we get on these next few races?”

“Okay.”

“But sure, we’ll make certain she gets lots of quality time with him.”

“Thanks.”

 

Mark gave a little dismissing shake of his head and let go of Seb to start taking things out of the fridge to prepare their meal. Sebastian helped, then as he chopped vegetables he thought of something else.

“Liebling.”

“Mm.” Mark looked up from stirring little strips of beef in the wok. “What?”

“I said we’d get the diary out, see if we could find a day to do this in reverse and go see them. Maybe in June?”

“Sure.”

“Any time okay with you?”

“Yeah I think so.”

“Okay well if I just ask my sisters and pick a free Saturday?”

“Righto.”

“Thanks.”

“No bother.”

Sebastian passed over the chopping board full of vegetables and Mark tipped them into the wok.

“Cheers.” He began stirring the contents around. “Is that rice nearly done?”

Seb checked the microwave.

“Five minutes.”

“’kay.”

 

Coming back over Seb peered in at their cooking food, then stood with Mark trying not to get in the way.

“Oh and um, I was thinking, with Fabe,” he picked up, “he’d really like to come over again on his own.”

“Yeah he dropped a few hints with me too. I meant to mention it,” concurred Mark.

“Mm, so I was thinking; what about Silverstone?”

“The race you mean?”

“Yeah. So he could stay here, come for the race weekend.”

Mark nodded.

“I’m sure he’d enjoy that.”

“You wouldn't mind having to look after him?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Sweetheart your brother doesn’t exactly need babysitting any more.”

“No I know, but you’d still have to at least think what to do with him and stuff, have him around.”

“Nah your brother's no trouble. I don’t mind. Give me someone to talk to other than Teddy.”

“Well I’d be around as much as I can.”

Mark looked to him.

“Darling it’s fine. I’m quite happy for Fabe to come.”

“Okay. I thought, like he could come Friday evening after school so he gets the full Saturday, Sunday.”

“Good stuff. Have you asked him?”

“No course not. I wouldn't do that without running it past you first.”

“Okay, thanks, well it’s fine sweetheart, ask away.”

“Thanks. So, I was wondering, how do we ask him without, you know, everyone being invited?”

“Ah.”

 

Sebastian sighed.

“Is that awful? I know Mum wants to come here more, but a whole race weekend with all the family? We’re doing that the race before.”

Mark nodded.

“Bit much.”

“I’m not horrible am I?”

“ _Seb_. Course not.”

“Cos, I just… I know Fabe would really like it to be just him and it might be terrible to say it, but it is easier with him on his own.”

Mark turned off the hob and turned to him.

“It’s not terrible to say it because it’s true. Also Fabe wants to feel special doesn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

“So, full tribe in Austria, just Fabe for Silvo.”

“Mm, but what about Mum?”

Mark puffed a breath. Seb was always tying himself up worrying about everyone.

“Why don’t I have a little word with your dad?” he offered.

“Yeah?”

“If you don’t mind? You can if you want.”

“No I mean, do you think you’ve got an angle?”

Mark laughed.

“What, mastermind that I am? No, but I’ll think of a way to put it. Smooth the waters if you like.”

“Thanks.”

Mark watched the way Sebastian visibly relaxed and shook his head.

“No worrying about stuff,” he instructed firmly.

“Okay.”

Sebastian lifted up and kissed Mark’s cheek.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“What for?”

Seb smiled.

“For being you. Right, shall I go put plates and stuff in the dining room or do you think we should eat in here?”

“Oh here’s fine isn’t it? Let’s not make work for ourselves.”

“Okay.”

“You go through sweetheart, I’ll finish up.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. Pretty much only dishing up to do. You check your little brother hasn’t boinged our son out of his bouncer.”

Sebastian laughed and Mark kissed him again, glad to see those shoulders go back up now his worries were resolved.

 

Seb returned to the lounge to find his mother now holding Teddy.

“Is he alright?” Seb checked.

“Oh yes, I think he just noticed you’d gone.”

“Oh.”

He took a few steps closer and his mother looked up at him.

“Do you want to hold him dear?”

“Um.”

Seb caught his father's eye and Norbert stood to offer his seat next to Heike with the baby.

“Oh, thanks Dad.”

“Is Mark alright in there?” Norbert asked as Sebastian sat down and took Teddy back.

“Yeah just finishing up. Dinner in about five minutes.”

“Excellent. I think I’ve worked up quite the appetite with that long walk earlier.”

“We’ve done plenty of food.”

“Good good.” Norbert was about to suggest Fabian go through to help his brother-in-law, but he had gone to perch on the arm of the sofa by Sebastian, fussing over the baby again. “Well, I’ll see if I can lend a hand.”

“Thanks Dad,” replied Seb distractedly.

 

Norbert wandered through to the kitchen, the dogs choosing to go with him seeing as nobody was paying them any attention in the lounge. Mark shooed them away from the stove off to their basket as they said hello.

“All alright in here?” enquired Norbert.

“Good mate yeah, nearly done.”

“Shall I do knives and forks?” Norbert asked, seeing the plates and glasses already set out on the table.

“Oh if you don’t mind. Middle drawer.”

Norbert nodded and set to work while Mark checked that the rice was cooked properly. Mark glanced over his shoulder.

“We’re alright in here aren’t we? I didn’t think we needed the dining room.”

“Of course. Perfectly at home,” agreed Norbert.

“I’ll just grab a chair out of there,” decided Mark. “Do you mind watching the boys don’t try to stand up and snaffle our grub?”

“Ah, okay.”

 

Moments later Mark returned with one of the dining chairs to add to the four around the kitchen table.

“You’ll be needing a high-chair soon,” noted Norbert.

“Yeah mate, never ends does it? I swear we have twice the belongings we did six months ago.”

Norbert smiled.

“Just so. At least you’ve got the space here. You should have seen our house fifteen years or so back: little Fabian in his chair making a mess, Seb hardly able to sit still for two minutes and the girls bickering while we tried to have a family meal.”

“Ha, yeah.”

“You’ve all that to look forward to.”

“Hm, I think four might be ambitious for Seb and me.”

“Ah perhaps so. Mind you Heike and I didn’t exactly plan four, but there you go.”

Mark just nodded, thinking he and Seb weren’t likely to accumulate any extra children by accident, but he wasn’t about to say so. Instead he collected a large bottle of water from the fridge and set it on the table.

“Would you like wine with dinner?” enquired Mark.

“Oh unless you are I don’t think so when we’re travelling back later.”

“Righto. No I don’t think we will. To be honest with Teddy we tend not to these days.”

Norbert laughed.

“Not driven you to drink then?”

“Not yet,” smiled Mark, adding a variety of juice cartons to the table in lieu of wine. He nodded to indicate the set out cutlery. “Thanks for that.”

“Ah well it’s not much.”

“They alright through there?”

“Yes quite happy. I can’t tell you how much Heike’s been looking forward to coming. I mean me too of course.”

“Of course.”

“And Fabian.”

“Mm.”

“Especially, well, you know after Sunday.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark huffed out a little breath, so Norbert placed a hand on his arm.

“Just good to see him doing well.”

“Yeah.”

“And I’m sure you’ll be glad to be going with him next weekend.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah mate, don’t think I’d do so well being home for the next one.”

“No, well, I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”

“Absolutely.”

Norbert nodded, then with a little parting pat of Mark’s arm, looked around him.

“Anything else need doing?”

“No we’re good.”

Norbert opened his mouth, about to suggest he should round up the family to come through when Mark decided to seize the moment and jumped in.

 

“So we were talking about maybe coming to see you guys in June some time,” began Mark. “I don’t know if Heike mentioned it already?”

“Ah yes, she said it was being passed on to the girls to check dates.”

“Good stuff. And then, well, just between us mate I was wondering if you could help us out a bit.”

“Oh? Well anything I can do Mark of course.”

“Great, um, so young Fabe’s been rather anxious to visit us, on his own as it were.”

“Oh I see.”

“And of course with last weekend...”

Norbert nodded understanding.

“Yes he has been rather quiet this week. Better for coming here I’m sure, just like his mother.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark, noting that Norbert wasn’t admitting he felt the same.

“And the girls would’ve come,” excused Norbert, “but it’s really like getting cats on parade in our family, so it would be good if you could visit us soon.”

“Absolutely, but what we thought was it might be nice for Fabian to have a trip to come along to Silverstone with us in July.”

“The British Grand Prix you mean?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sure he’d be thrilled.”

“Yeah, the thing is we kindof wanted it to be a bit of a treat for him.”

“On his own you mean?”

“Well with me mostly seeing as Seb’d be racing. I’d look after him of course.”

“Of course you would Mark. Though actually I think it’s been good for him doing his little trips to see you. Fabian’s far more independent these days.”

 

Mark smiled, thinking he could point out that Fabian was also older now, but eventually he suspected his parents would notice that their youngest son wasn’t the child they seemed to think he was any more.

“Absolutely mate, he’s a good lad and we like having him visit, Seb especially, it means a lot to him.”

“Oh well you know how Fabian looks up to his older brother, and you of course Mark.”

“That’s, well that’s very kind of you to say so.”

“You’re a good influence on him, both of you.”

“Well thank you. So we were thinking if he wanted to come for the weekend. I know it’s pretty much straight after Austria, but it’d be so much easier with Silvo only being up the road.”

“I’m sure he’ll bite your hand off,” confirmed Norbert. “So were you just wanting to check we approved?”

“Oh well that naturally, but also, well, I wanted to check you wouldn't be offended, us asking just Fabian for that weekend.”

“Offended? Nonsense. Give us a weekend off. Nice quiet house, no muddy bath left after football and eating us out of house and home. No Mark you’re welcome to practise having a teenager about the place.”

“Ha, indeed. So okay, well, the thing is, Seb was just a bit concerned that his mum wouldn't mind.”

“Mind Fabian coming here?”

Mark tipped his head.

“Us asking him without including her, and you.”

“Ah. I see.”

“He’d really hate to upset her.”

Norbert tsk’d and shook his head.

“Seb can be so sensitive. I don’t know why he worries so much.”

“Well he does mate, so…”

Norbert took in breath and nodded.

“Right, leave it with me.”

“You won’t say anything to Seb?”

“No no, Heike. I’ll handle it.”

“You’re sure?”

“Of course. We have been married thirty-five years Mark. Believe me when you and Seb have been married that long you’ll not worry so much about these things.”

“Right, thanks.”

“We just want the kids to be happy. That’s all I have to say to her. This little trip should perk up Fabian no end. It’ll make Seb happy to have him to spoil a bit. QED, Heike will be happy to make her boys happy.”

Mark smiled. He did have to admit it sounded hard to see how Heike could object to that.

“Great, yeah that’d be brilliant, cheers.”

“No problem. Right well I’ll go sort that. I’ll send the boys in to dole out dinner and we’ll join you in a minute.”

“Thanks a lot.”

  


A minute later Sebastian came through carrying a sleeping Teddy, Fabian behind lugging the crib and its stand which he set up as directed by the table before his brother put the baby down.

“Teddy not interested in a spot of stir-fry then?” noted Mark as he looked in at him.

“No. All worn out.”

“Ah well he’s not napped so much today. Too excited with everyone fussing over him.”

“Mm.”

Mark took in a breath.

“Right then, let’s plate up before everything goes cold.”

“Shall I get Mum and Dad?” offered Fabian.

“Actually mate could you do me a huge favour and give the dogs some tucker so they don’t come and try to steal ours?”

“Oh sure.”

 

As Fabian went to go do that, Mark smiled at Seb and gave him a wink.

“All in hand,” he whispered. “Your dad’s gonna have a word.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, nothing to worry about. ‘sides if you said your mum was fretting a bit over your little brother, what better way to fix that all up?”

Sebastian smiled. Why hadn’t he thought of that?

“Thanks.”

“Nah no worries.” Mark raised his voice to normal levels, half an eye on Fabian petting the dogs as he filled their bowls over in the corner. “Right Fabe, you’re sat on the end. Feeling hungry?”

 

 

The family sat around tucking into their meal, passing around drinks while Heike was telling them how much Sofie adored playing on the little rocking horse they had sent for her birthday back in March.

“You never get her off it,” commented Heike. “Toddles over and hugs it bless her. Mel’s already talking about taking her riding, which of course terrifies Stefanie.”

“Perhaps best wait until she’s a little better at getting about on two legs before attempting four,” agreed Norbert.

“Mm, well Stef does worry so,” Heike commented.

Nobody at the table thought it a good idea to observe that was rather a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Instead Norbert poured himself some more water and looked to Mark.

“So with all this travelling you’ve got coming up I bet you’re looking forwards to Silverstone in July eh?”

“Ah. Yes, definitely. Aren’t we Seb?”

Under the table Mark pushed Seb’s knee with his own to remind him that his father had been clearing the path for them and this was clearly a hint that they were good to go.

“Oh, yeah very much so,” Sebastian agreed with a quick glance to his mother who merely smiled back. “Um, so yeah, actually we were thinking with it being so close and you know, easy for us seeing as we only need to bob back and forth, well, we thought Fabe you might like to come that weekend, if you’re free?”

 

Fabian stopped, his piled fork half-way to his mouth. He lowered it back to the plate as he looked to Mark and Seb on one side of the table, then his parents sat on the opposite side, Fabian’s mouth still slightly open.

“Oh wow. Really? Just me?”

“Yeah. I mean if you want to? Mark and I thought you could come Friday after school, get most of the weekend at the track.”

“Yeah that’d be brilliant,” approved Fabian sitting higher in his chair, his eyes lit up.

“I mean if that’s okay?” Seb checked, looking over to his parents.

“Of course it’s okay,” approved Norbert, “Isn’t it love?”

“Of course,” concurred Heike. “Though you’d have to promise to be good Fabian.”

“Ah he’s always good aren’t you mate?” intervened Mark with a teasing smile to his young brother-in-law.

“Yeah.”

“Probably just hanging out here in the evenings,” Mark added.

“No that’d be great.”

“Excellent.”

“And I can help with Teddy,” Fabian offered.

 

Mark huffed a laugh, catching Seb’s eye thinking they probably weren’t going to leave their son with his young uncle for any long periods just yet.

“Yes you must be a help to them,” instructed Heike.

“I will,” promised Fabian.

“Course he will,” affirmed Mark. “Great, well that’ll at least mean I’ve got someone to look after him while I nip to the loo at any rate.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he leaned a little to Mark to tell him how thankful he was for his help sorting this out.

“Well, there we go then,” decided Norbert. “All sorted.”

“Brilliant,” grinned Fabian. “You can send your jet to collect me from school.”

“Ah no,” warned his father, shaking his head. “Don’t even think about that.” He looked across to Seb and Mark. “Fabian can catch a normal flight. It’s quite enough that you’re sending it for us to nip over, but a teenage boy is not having a private plane at his beck and call.”

Fabian sighed, but Mark gave him a cheering smile.

“You’re quite capable of managing airports and all that these days aren’t you Fabe?”

“We could come and pick you up,” offered Sebastian.

“Oh no I can get a taxi. It’s no bother and I was only joking about the plane. Really Dad, I was just kidding.”

“Mm,” confirmed Norbert dryly.

“Well we’ll be seeing you the week before,” noted Seb, “so it’ll be easy to make sure we’re all sorted.”

“Oh that’s a good point,” agreed Heike. “Yes, well you’ll be quite spoiled won’t you Fabian?”

Fabian shrugged.

“Just be nice that’s all.”

Sebastian looked over to his brother. It did feel so much better to have more things fixed up with his family after feeling guilty about it for so long.

“Yeah it will,” he agreed.

 

 

Seeing as his parents, or more precisely his mother, had agreed to this being a one day trip with some reluctance despite Sebastian’s rather tortured explanation about their need for family time at home (to which, naturally Heike found herself unable to stop her herself pointing out that _they_ were family). As a result neither Mark nor Seb were all that surprised to find that the one day they were visiting ended up being as extended a day as possible. Sebastian didn’t have it in him to tell his parents that getting here at ten am and staying until nine was a pretty long day for them. Now they were here Seb was glad they were, but in truth he was also looking forwards to them leaving so he and Mark could go to bed and both of them were already thinking about how nice it would be to spend Sunday with just the two of them enjoying some time with their son.

As they sat giving a now woken Teddy his evening milk Mark saw his mother-in-law watching and handed the baby over to let her have a chance to feed him. He sat back down and gave Seb beside him a smile while his parents fussed over their grandson a few feet away.

“Alright sweetheart?” Mark checked.

“Yep. Bit tired,” whispered Seb.

“Yeah,” replied Mark equally quietly. “We’ll go straight up when they leave.”

Sebastian nodded, then rested the side of his head down on Mark’s shoulder, looking over at Teddy who seemed quite content being held by his grandmother.

“He’s so good,” commented Heike.

Seb sat up a bit and nodded.

“Such a little angel,” she cooed.

Mark smiled at Seb and they both knew there was no point saying that Teddy wasn’t always this good.

“Been up quite a lot today,” Mark noted. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll have a really good kip tonight.”

“Bet you could do with a lie-in,” remarked Norbert.

“Ha, yeah mate that’d be nice.”

“He’s not sleeping through yet is he?” enquired Heike.

“We wish,” laughed Mark.

“He sleeps more,” stated Seb, “longer stretches. It varies a bit doesn’t it?”

Mark nodded in agreement.

“Depends how he’s doing, though yeah definitely better now. God, when I think back to the start, we were up all night weren’t we sweetheart?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think Sofie slept all night until she was six months,” related Heike.

“Mm, well, they’re all different aren’t they?” opined Norbert. “And with Teddy being early. I don’t know, does that affect things?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“The doctor's always said he’s doing well.”

“Course he’s doing well,” asserted Heike, “he’s perfect.”

“Yeah he is.”

“They just said what you said Norbert,” confirmed Mark. “Every kid’s a bit different, so we’ll just see.”

“As long as he’s healthy that’s all you care about isn’t it?” Norbert offered.

“Absolutely mate,” Mark nodded. “He’s doing great, developing at a rate of knots.”

 

Fabian was sat on the floor petting the dogs, feeling a little out of the loop with all this baby talk. Teddy was cute, but he didn’t do a whole lot yet. Fabian had to admit he was looking forward to when he was older like his niece Sofie who he had great fun with these days, picking her up and making her dance by holding her hands while his sister sat on the sofa talking with their mother. It’d be good when Teddy was like that and he could come over to play with him in the garden maybe. Fabian glanced up at Seb and Mark imagining them sat in those garden chairs outside drinking coffee while he taught a toddling Teddy how to play football. That would be cool. When he was a bit older Fabian wouldn't have to get his parents’ permission to come on visits and he could come all the time, maybe in uni holidays, though he still had all that to sort out.

“Are you getting any closer with the adoption being sorted out and finalised?” asked Fabian.

Everyone looked at him as if they had forgotten he was there and Fabian could tell his mother was unimpressed he had raised the matter they had been avoiding all day.

“What?” shrugged Fabian. “I mean nothing’s wrong is it?”

“No mate, nothing’s wrong,” assured Mark calmly, slipping his hand into Seb’s nonetheless.

“We just have to wait,” Sebastian explained. “We’re getting closer to approval, but each time it gets moved on a stage we don’t really get much feedback other than Rachel saying everything's fine.”

“Which it is,” stated Mark. “It’s a step-by-step process.”

“She’s coming again on Tuesday.”

“Oh is she?” asked Heike.

“Yeah,” nodded Seb feeling a little guilty he had specifically mentioned that.

“Just a standard visit. We’ve had it in the diary,” added Mark.

“Right, well that’s all good then.”

“What does she do when she comes?” enquired Fabian.

Mark smiled. “Mostly drink coffee to be honest.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“She just checks everything is going okay. I guess she makes sure Teddy is alright.”

“And that we are,” Mark added.

“Yeah, it’s meant to be a two-way thing, in case we had any concerns or worries or I don’t know, I guess some people might have second thoughts.”

“Though obviously that’s not us.”

“No course not, but Rachel always says that the process has to be the same for everybody, just in case.”

“Well that sounds eminently sensible,” approved Norbert.

“Tsk, who could change their mind?” frowned Heike. “Imagine doing that to a poor child?”

Mark gave Seb’s hand a squeeze.

“Better they say if that’s the case. Anyway, that’s not us. We knew from day one didn’t we darling?”

“Yeah,” agreed Sebastian. “From the moment we saw him.”

“So it’s not an issue,” affirmed Mark. “But the process is the process and you can’t speed it up, so, that’s where we are Fabe, we’re just in the process, we’ll get there.”

“Of course you will,” concurred Heike firmly. “Nothing to worry about.”

 

Sebastian nodded, but she noticed the way he was looking at Teddy now, so Heike lifted the bottle away.

“My arms are getting tired. Seb dear could you take him?”

Fabian opened his mouth to say he could do it, but he caught a look from both his parents that told him he had put his foot in it quite enough already. Instead Norbert lifted Teddy away and handed him over to Sebastian, retrieving the bottle from his wife and passing it over.

“It’s all gonna be fine,” assured Mark as he ghosted his hand over the wisps of blonde hair on their son’s head. “We’ll just have a nice chat with Rachel so she can make her notes and report back that everything is going well and it moves on to the next stage until it finally reaches the approval stage and we get the adoption papers, and then, that’s that.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We wish it could be quicker, but it’s just how it is. To be honest we kind of forget a lot of the time,” he admitted.

“Of course you do dear,” assured his mother. “He’s your baby. You just need the paperwork. Teddy couldn't have better parents.”

“Thanks.”

Mark smiled over at them as well, then Seb thought of something else he hadn’t mentioned.

“Actually she rang, Rachel that is, she rang earlier in the week. She said it was to confirm our meeting, but I think she wanted to make sure I was alright after what happened in the last race. She’s nice, isn’t she Liebling?”

“Yeah she’s a good sort,” confirmed Mark. “It’s really not all that formal any more, it’s just checking in, having a chat, a coffee, confirm all’s fine and make another date in the diary. Rachel always says she’d be in touch beforehand if she actually had anything we needed to worry about and she was fine the other day, wasn’t she sweetheart?”

Seb gave a little nod of his head.

“Yeah she was. So I think it’s just another visit, pretty straight-forward.”

 

Fabian opened his mouth again, then shut it, but Sebastian guessed what question he wanted to ask. It was the question he and Mark asked every time: How long do we have to wait until it’s finalised?

“She said it’s usually about six to eight months to be completed, legally that is,” he explained. “We’re lucky really because we were allowed to take Teddy straight away, fostering him, so maybe that makes it seem longer, but we’d rather that.”

“Course we would,” agreed Mark. “Anyway he’s with us and that’s all that really matters and like you say, we just need the paperwork.”

He looked back to Seb and gave him a smile, then the pair of them gazed down at their son. They really wanted that paperwork.

 

 

 

Twenty minutes later the car was waiting on the drive ready to take Seb’s family off to meet the plane. Teddy was asleep in Mark’s arms as they stood in the hallway. Normally they would have put him down in his crib upstairs by now, but Mark knew Seb’s parents wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to say goodbye to him. As Heike and Norbert fussed a little over Teddy, Seb took a few steps away to where his brother sat on the stairs doing up the laces on his trainers.

“So we’ll fix up those visits, sort out the details,” reminded Sebastian.

“Yeah great,” Fabian nodded. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me too.”

Fabian tied a last double knot, then stood. He glanced towards his parents, then spoke very quietly.

“Seb I’m sorry if I put my foot in it asking about the adoption stuff.”

“No it’s okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. We just want it done, you know?”

Fabian nodded.

“I’m sure it’ll all be fine.”

“Mm.”

Fabian looked at him for a moment, then leaned in to give his older brother a long hug.

“I’m really glad you’re okay. Really glad.”

Seb hugged him back. There was more in this hug than his brother had let on earlier. He squeezed Fabian a little, not even thinking of his healing bruises any more. They weren’t important.

“It’s alright Fabe. You don’t need to worry about stuff, okay?”

Fabian lifted away and nodded.

“Okay.”

“And you can call me, or text as often as you like, right?”

“I do that anyway.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“That’s true. But about anything. You know I’m always available for my extensive insight into girls and stuff like that.”

“Ha, thanks.”

“Fabian it’s time to be going,” called over their father.

 

Seb gave his brother a nod and they went over to say more goodbyes. His mother gave him another long hug, as if she didn’t want to let him go. Eventually she kissed his cheek then shook her head.

“You really should shave dear. I don’t know why you don’t when you’re going to be on television at races. It’s almost a beard sometimes. Looks so scruffy when you’ve such a nice face.”

Mark beside him couldn't hide a laugh. Poor Seb, always something more he needed to do to please his parents.

“I think he looks very handsome,” declared Mark, deciding to curry favour with his husband rather than his mother-in-law.

Heike sighed and shook her head again, but Norbert just shrugged.

“Young people today. What can you do? Right love, before the plane leaves without us.”

 

Norbert gave Sebastian a hug while his wife leaned in to sigh over Teddy with Mark.

“Thanks Dad,” Seb offered quietly.

“Thanks?”

“You know, helping.”

“Ah.” Norbert gave a little shake of his head, then hugged Seb again. “No fretting about anything. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Just take care of yourself. That’s all we want. Yes?”

“Yeah.”

His father gave him a firm nod and Sebastian realised that was the closest he was going to get to admitting how worried he had been. If they hadn’t already had this visit arranged Seb suspected they would have turned up anyway. He understood. Sebastian smiled at Mark holding Teddy and thought again how their son was definitely not going to grow up to be a racing driver.

 

With last hugs, or in Mark’s case, half hugs as he kept hold of Teddy, and kisses from Heike, the family were finally in the car, waving again as they pulled away and Seb and Mark gave them a wave before finally shutting the door, just them on their own once more.

Mark puffed a long breath, then laughed.

“God I’m exhausted. Shall we just go to bed?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re alright?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Just tired. It’s all good. I feel better for today.”

“Good. That’s all that matters then. C’mon.”

 

Sebastian collected up the crib and folded the stand to wedge under his arm to get it upstairs as Mark walked in front of him. As they put down a still sleeping Teddy, Mark smiled.

“Maybe he will sleep through?”

Seb nodded.

“We’ve got to get lucky one time.”

“I think we’re lucky already.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek, then winked.

“I also think the stubble’s pretty damn sexy darling, so maybe don’t listen to your mum on all things eh?”

Sebastian laughed and kissed him back.

“Righto Liebling. Same with you. Or without actually. I think I’m winning either way.”

“Same here,” agreed Mark.

He huffed a laugh and gave Seb a quick squeeze. Family duty done. Time for bed and if Teddy gifted them with anything close to a full night’s sleep then that really would top off what counted as a pretty good day.

 

 

* * *

 


	222. Safe - pt 1

* * *

 

  


The sun did indeed shine as predicted in Spain. As they entered the paddock early on the Thursday Mark pushed the pram with the sun-shade fixed over the front, really more for practise seeing as it was pretty quiet yet and this early in the day the sun wasn’t too strong, but it felt better to be prepared. It was hard not to think of how things had gone in Melbourne, but it seemed that a little of the excitement from the very start of the season had worn off and they passed very few people on their way to the RedBull motorhome set up in the paddock ahead of the race weekend.

“Guess it is only ten o’clock,” noted Mark.

“Mm.”

“You alright?”

Sebastian turned to him and nodded.

“Sure.”

“Not worrying about the press conference?”

Seb shrugged.

“I dunno. It’s fine.”

Mark looked at him.

“Darling you know you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.”

“Mm and you know they’ll ask anyway.”

Mark puffed out a long breath. He did know that. No matter that normal human beings might consider it insensitive to ask a person about a potentially traumatic even like a recent car crash, the media would be only too eager to probe Seb about it this afternoon.

“You’ll talk to Britta about it?”

“Of course.”

“Yeah. Alright, well…”

  


They reached the motorhome, Mark wheeling the pram up the ramp, Seb going ahead to get the door. Inside it was almost deserted this early on a Thursday before there was any action on track the next day, just a few staff milling about setting up for the day. Once in there they paused, looking at the stairs up to where the drivers’ private rooms were.

“Ah,” stopped Mark. “Hadn’t thought about that.”

Sebastian looked around. There was plenty of space.

“Why don’t we ask if we can just stash the pram in a corner for a bit, take the bags off?”

“Um, yeah I guess. Don’t spose someone’s likely to waltz off with it,” agreed Mark.

“You can lift the pram bit out.”

“Mm.”

Mark ducked down to look at how the main bassinet of the pram disconnected from the frame while Seb unhooked the net shade to smile at Teddy.

“Hello Schatz. Can you see us better now?”

Mark stood back up.

“I think if we just lift him out for the moment.”

“Won’t it undo?”

Sebastian started looking at the mechanism now.

“Sweetheart don’t worry about it. I’ll have plenty of time to play with it while you’re busy.”

“I guess.” Seb stood back up. “I’ll just check with them.”

 

He strode off to speak with someone at the counter before Mark could say he was pretty sure that in an empty hospitality area the pram would be safe and the staff were unlikely to chuck it outside.

“They say it’s fine and if we put it at the back to the side of the counter they can keep an eye on it for us,” announced Seb.

“Righto.”

They manoeuvred the pram to put it out of the way, then Seb lifted Teddy out while Mark gathered up their bags from the tray underneath. It was a bit of a faff, but as they returned to the metal stairway and went up to Sebastian’s room it became clear that lugging the whole pram up there would be quite an achievement. Mark dumped the bags on Seb’s bed as Sebastian jigged Teddy a little, not wanting to think how much he would be away from him this weekend. At least this was better than the previous time he had been here back in March for testing.

“Doesn’t look like Dan’s arrived yet,” noted Mark having seen the open door opposite.

“No well we’ve got quite a while until we need to do stuff really.”

Mark looked at his watch.

“Guess so.”

“I probably should go check in with Britta and Christian though.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure. I’m fine sweetheart. I even brought a book in case this little one decides to have a nap while nothing’s doing.”

“Okay.”

“And Fernando said he’d stop by at some point, so I’ll just set up downstairs, carve out my spot for the weekend.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Get the best table?”

Mark shrugged.

“It’s surprising how many people tend to give you a wide berth when you’ve got a baby.”

Seb looked at Teddy leaning into his shoulder.

“Aw, why?”

Mark chuckled.

“The usual reasons. Don’t worry, if he kicks up a fuss or needs his nappy doing I’ll just come up.”

“And you can bring the pram bit up so you can both have a nap,” reminded Seb.

“Sure.” Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek. “We’ll be fine. So, I’ll just keep his bottle bag with me, nappy stuff here.” He set the correct bag in place and put the other on his shoulder, stuffing his wallet and phone into pockets. “There, all set.”

  


Sebastian left the pair of them sat at a table with promises he wouldn't be too long, then set off to really start his weekend. Mark gave him a smile as he walked away, then turned to Teddy in his arms.

“Right buddy, make sure you use those blue peepers to charm the staff in here and we should be good.”

He chucked to himself as he gave the baby a wink, though Teddy had no clue what his father was joking about. Mark smiled over at a waitress and turned his son around in his arms, trying not to laugh as the young woman immediately came over to ask if he wanted a bottle warming.

“Ah not yet thank you. A coffee would be great though.”

“Of course. Nothing else?”

“Not right now, but thank you very much and for the pram watching, much appreciated.”

He nodded to the pram they had brought back over to the table.

“No trouble. Isn’t he sweet?”

“Yeah not bad.”

She smiled at the baby, then remembered her task and set off to get Mark his drink. Mark smiled at Teddy.

“Good work mate. Now if we can just minimise the crying for the next few days we should be right.”

 

Mark knew his lot for the weekend was staying pretty much parked with Teddy, looking after his needs and staving off boredom, interspersed by visits from Sebastian stopping off to share a coffee between meetings and preparation work with the team, PR duties and actually driving the car. It was going to be a long few days, but he was resigned to it. At least once there was running on track he would be able to watch it on the big screens in here, but for now all that played on them were promos from the track and F1 management which were less than diverting the fifth or sixth time they ran.

By the time Seb came to join them for lunch it was marginally busier in there, but mostly only with RedBull team members getting their own breaks. Visitors were rare before the racing started, but Mark didn’t count himself as a guest and he didn’t think most of the team did either.

“I was thinking Liebling, there really weren’t that many people about when I went to the garage before, so maybe you could pop down to say hello later?”

“Um, maybe.”

“Like at the end of the day after I’ve done my track walk.”

“Yeah okay. We could come and meet you.”

Sebastian smiled. He didn’t like thinking that Mark was trapped in here all day long.

“Well if I text you when I’m done and we can both check that the coast’s clear?”

“Sure.” Mark looked over to Teddy lying in his pram. “Assuming he’s awake.”

“Yeah.”

“He probably will be at that time,” assured Mark, guessing Seb would really like a visit to look forward to.

“Great.”

“So, what’s next?”

“Um, engineering meeting, then a run-through with Britta before the press conf.”

“Righto. Busy busy.”

“Sorry.”

“No it’s fine.”

“You know Liebling if you ever need to over the weekend you can take the car to the hotel and I’ll get a ride back.”

Mark shook his head.

“It’s fine. We’re good. So can you stop off en route to the conference?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

 

The looked at one another, both thinking that they might want a private moment in advance of that.

“Think if he’s still out for the count I might try taking the pram bit up,” suggested Mark.

“Oh okay.”

“I’ll text and let you know where to find us. About two-thirty yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Righto.”

Mark gave Seb an encouraging smile and nodded. It was all starting to feel rather familiar, hanging around, keeping Seb bucked up and trying not to do too much clock watching. They might have Teddy with them, but so far it wasn’t really proving too much adapting when Mark spent most of his life doing all those feeds and changes and trying to keep him happy anyway. It was just a different setting. Mark reached over and placed his hand over Seb’s as they drank their coffee. Couldn't do _that_ over the phone.

  


 

  


By the time Sebastian came to find Mark in his room Teddy was awake, lying on the bed as Mark sat with him.

“Oh is he up?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah woke for a nappy. He’s alright, aren’t you mate?”

Sebastian came and sat on the other side, both parents leaning in over their son, giving him smiles and tickling his tummy. Mark left it a few minutes before checking.

“So you’re all set then?”

“Britta’s gonna pick me up.”

“Right.”

“She said there was quite a bit of media interest asking for one-on-one interviews.”

“Oh?”

“I said no. Do you think that’s bad?”

“No darling I think you should do just as you please. You’ll be speaking to them often enough this weekend.”

“Mm.” Seb gazed at Teddy for a moment, then looked back to Mark. “I just don’t want to have to keep going over it.”

“No.”

“And she said she’s warned them, so I don’t think in the pen they’ll try it.”

“No well there ought to be other stuff to talk about by then.”

“Mm.”

Mark sat up a little to look at Seb properly.

“You think they’ll harp on in the press conf now?”

“A bit.”

“What did Britta say?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Just not to take it to heart. She’s given me a few pivots and there’s stuff I just won’t discuss, but she can’t stop them asking there.”

“No. Oh well, soon over sweetheart.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a rub on the arm. He always wished he could go and sit with Seb through these things, if only to glare at anyone going too far.

“You’ll be fine. Always the pro darling.”

“Thanks.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath, already setting himself up for what could be an ordeal. Mark knew he wasn’t looking forward to it and tried to think what might help. He picked up Seb’s left hand and turned it over to rub his thumb across the inside of his wrist where the fish tattoo sat. Mark didn’t even need to say anything. Seb just nodded.

“And if that’s not enough sweetheart and someone’s being a real...” He looked at Teddy staring up at them and stroked his round cheek. “A real poopy head.”

Seb burst out laughing and Mark gave him a wink.

“I think you get my meaning.”

“I do Liebling.”

“Then a, you think of them as that and for extra back-up, b, you can imagine me telling them.” Mark glanced at Teddy again and put his arm around Seb to pull him in so he could whisper into his ear. “That they can go fuck themselves.”

“ _Mark_.”

Sebastian shook his head at him but Mark scrunched his nose.

“Ah he didn’t hear it.”

“Hm, okay.”

“So, just think that.”

“In my head.”

“Well if you want to really spice up proceedings sweetheart, feel free to say it to their face, but remember our son is watching.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he was smiling which he knew was precisely Mark’s intent. Teddy did a little yawn and stretched his arms up by his head drawing both his parents back to paying attention to him, telling him how cute he was, and getting him to smile as they all forgot that there was anything else they needed to worry about for a while.

  


  


  


By a few minutes to three pm Mark was sat alone in Seb’s room, the TV on ready. In the past he would have gone along with Seb and Britta to feel he was offering more support, waited in the ante-room watching on the TV in there while the press conference took place, but the little boy currently sat cradled in his lap explained why Mark wasn’t doing that today. They’d done their hugs when Britta had come to collect Seb and that would just have to do. Mark was already bracing himself to have to manage this when Seb was getting in the car to drive when in all honesty Mark would feel better to be there in the garage.

It wasn’t to be though. Even if there wasn’t the issue of media encountering them in the paddock, the garage was no place for a baby during a race. Mark had his ear-protectors in one of the bags, but that was really only a precaution for if they were outside at all when there was action on track and the sound carried.

“Papa’s up in a minute,” explained Mark as he tipped his head down to look at his son.

Teddy blinked up at him and Mark smiled.

“Nothing to worry about mate. He’s a pro.”

  


 

Sebastian stood with Britta fixing his mic on as she reminded him of much the same thing. He nodded and thanked her. Seb didn’t think he felt nervous as such, but he could do without this. When he had gone into the factory a week ago she had warned him that he had been requested to do take part and given him a brief overview of some of the media coverage in the wake of his crash, so Sebastian did at least feel prepared, but given the choice between facing the media’s potentially insensitive questions and spending some more time playing with Mark and Teddy, Seb knew what he would prefer.

Soon he was in place at the official desk, drivers either side and rows of media in front, a camera filming from the back of the room, more cameras pointed by photographers and several reporters sound recorders held up ready. All pretty familiar stuff. Sebastian reminded himself that he had done this countless times before, running through Britta's hints in his head and smiling slightly as he thought of Mark’s tips as well.

  


It was no surprise that the moderator directed the first question his way.

“Sebastian, good to see you here. How are you after your rather nasty crash in the last race?”

“Thanks, yeah good.”

“No lasting problems or injuries?”

“I had a few bruises but I’m fine now.”

“Good to hear. So you’re looking forward to going racing again?”

“Absolutely,” confirmed Sebastian. “I’m very happy to be in Spain. I have some nice memories from here in Barcelona.”

The moderator nodded, assuming Sebastian was referring to past successes on track, no idea that Seb was thinking of a certain rooftop pool and Mark.

  


The early introductory questions from the moderator were usually fairly innocuous ones to get things going and as he moved on, working through all the participants, Sebastian relaxed a little, taking sips of water and waiting until it was opened up to the floor.

“Sebastian...”

Of course the first one was for him, thought Seb.

“…following your accident in Sochi do you have any concerns about racing again this weekend?”

“Nope.”

“None at all?”

“No. It’s just how it goes. It wasn’t the race I was hoping for but we all get another chance this weekend, so that’s good.”

 

“Daily Mail. Seb, you said you just had some bruises from your crash. Nothing more? You didn’t suffer from concussion?”

“Nope. Maybe I got lucky, but I was fine. The doctor checked me out and he had no concerns.”

“That’s good to hear, but it must have worried you?”

Sebastian frowned a little.

“Not really, no.”

“No?”

“No.”

Sebastian looked back at the man. Why should he offer up neuroses just to please him and fit in with whatever narrative he had dreamt up for his story?

“I was checked out by the race doctor and the team doctor afterwards and both passed me as fine and I saw the team doctor again in the week, just as an extra check and there were no concerns. I’d like to thank them of course and the marshals at the track.”

 

“Okay, I have a question for all the drivers, do you feel that new innovations to protect drivers in the cockpits should be introduced? Sebastian if perhaps we could start with your thoughts?”

Sebastian restrained himself from rolling his eyes. They had to start with him.

“I dunno. It’s a complex issue. As I understand it there are several options still being tested. I think like many I wouldn't want to lose F1 being an open cockpit racing series. Being able to see the drivers is important, but at the same time, for sure safety is important. I guess there has to be a balance.”

“Okay, Nico, do you agree?”

The question was passed along, then a new one came for Hulkenburg about a penalty he had received in the last race and it occurred to Seb that he really had paid no attention to how it had turned out.

  


“One for Sebastian. Um, Sebastian given that this isn’t your first accident in F1, does there come a point where the risk outweighs the reward and you consider giving it up?”

Seb puffed a breath and shrugged. Did people really think that he would just sit rocking in the corner of the garage the next time he had to get in the car? It was going to feel a bit strange to put his foot down for the first time, but he’d done it before and he could do it again.

“If I thought that I wouldn't be here. In all honesty the crash last time wasn’t so very bad. It wasn’t good obviously, but I’ve had worse as you know. So, if I was going to quit it wouldn't be over that.”

“You’re not worried then?”

“I think the last weekend reminded me how strong these cars are. Sure it made a mess and I’m sorry to the team for the extra work they had to do to repair and rebuild my car, but I walked away, so at the end of the day that shows they’re doing what they’re meant to.”

“Have you seen the crash?”

“Well yes I was in the car at the time.” There was a little ripple of laughter through the audience and Sebastian smiled. “If you mean have you watched it back, then no. I don’t think there’s much to be gained from it.”

  


“Sebastian, have you spoken to either Daniil or Max about it?”

“Nope.”

“Not at all?”

“No. Not that I wasn’t speaking to them, I just haven’t seen them yet. I guess I will at the drivers’ briefing tomorrow.”

“And what will you say to them?”

“Hello probably.”

  


Back in his room Mark chuckled and gave Teddy a smile.

“Papa’s funny darling isn’t he?”

Teddy waved his hand in front of him and bounced slightly on his knee, so Mark took that as agreement.

  


“Ah, ha, no,” continued the journalist. “I meant regarding the crash. Do you blame either one or both of them?”

Sebastian shrugged again.

“They were aiming for the corner. I was aiming for the corner. I guess three into one was never going to go, but that’s racing. There’s no point harbouring grudges.”

  


Another reporter was handed the microphone and Sebastian was relieved to be left alone for a few minutes, but inevitably it came back to him.

“Seb, you seem to be suggesting that you were essentially unaffected by the crash. Is that really the case?”

Sebastian frowned a little.

“No, I said I’m okay. That’s not quite the same thing. It wasn’t fun and I had some bruising afterwards which wasn’t nice, but in the scale of things I know I’m lucky.”

“Okay, so regarding that, is it perhaps because you’ve been through worse you feel that way?”

“I guess so.”

“It didn’t bring back unpleasant memories?”

Sebastian looked at him. He knew it had for Mark and in truth that was perhaps why Seb had focussed so much of his energies on reassuring him and thereby distracting himself, but he wasn’t about to say so. How a reporter could casually ask if an accident had caused flashbacks to when he had nearly been killed, Seb didn’t know.

He took a sip of water making him wait, in his head thinking how Mark had advised him to tell anyone crossing the line to do something that would not pass the FIA’s swearing rule. Then Seb thought of Mark’s other bit of advice and in his head starting singing in a childish voice: _‘Poopy head, poopy head, go away you poopy head!’_

Seb hid a smile that he knew would make no sense to anyone watching and looked back at the seated media.

“It was what it was. Accidents happen in F1. They always have and I suspect they always will. We choose to be here. We accept that there is risk. We try to minimise it and then we get on with the business of racing.”

  


“Sebastian, you sound pretty detached about it all. Is it really that simple? Do you not replay the accident in your mind afterwards?”

Seb repeated the poopy head song in his mind as he looked back at yet another probing journalist. It was silly, but that was precisely the point and it reminded him that Mark loved him and knew how to support him in ways that no one else would ever understand, certainly not the media.

“I suppose a bit, but mostly to try to think how you could have prevented it. As I say, these things just happen sometimes.”

“You don’t have nightmares about it?”

Sebastian opened his mouth slightly, knowing that Mark would be angry at them asking such a question. He felt a little pressure in his chest, but it wasn’t about that. The crash wasn’t why he had nightmares sometimes. He looked out thinking how they would rip him apart if they knew the real reason he had them. A crash might disturb him, but upset Seb more because of how it affected those who loved him.

They didn’t cause him nightmares though. Something horrible on the news that Mark wasn’t quick enough to flick away from, a film or drama on TV that turned out to have ‘unsafe’ themes, sometimes just going to sleep unsettled, or even for no apparent reason at all. That was what caused Seb to wake with his heart thumping and a cold sweat coating his skin, sitting up in bed with Mark’s arms around him until the shaky feeling subsided leaving only an unpleasant sense of unease. Mark would ask quietly if he wanted to talk, but Seb rarely did. Talking meant thinking about it and that was the last thing he wanted. It was little wonder that they watched so many Disney films. How could this lot ever understand that?

 

“No,” he replied evenly. “I suppose sleeping was a bit uncomfortable for a few days afterwards, but nothing major.”

And Mark had hardly wanted to let him go, but he’d been so careful about making sure Seb was okay. They’d ended up moving the crib to the his side of the bed so Sebastian could sleep on his uninjured left side, Mark lying behind him, arranged so as not to rest on any bruising whilst still feeling they were keeping an eye on Teddy. That had worked well enough. Sebastian looked out now, thinking they certainly weren’t getting that information, nor that he was used to broken sleep with their son anyway. Sleep could be broken in lots of ways. Some were worse than others.

  


“That man is a poopy head,” declared Mark to his son, keeping the anger he felt out of his voice.

Teddy yawned and Mark smiled and stroked his cheek.

“You tired again buddy?”

He glanced to the TV to check that someone else was getting a grilling now, then got up off the bed and placed Teddy down in his pram before lifting the bassinet up to go on the bed beside him so he could watch both. Teddy shifted about a little, but it didn’t take long for him to drop off.

“Yeah, they were boring questions anyway,” agreed Mark.

  


  


“Sebastian, you were seen making what looked like a phone-call as soon as you got out of the car. Who were you calling?”

Seb looked at the reporter. Of course they had to have seen that.

“If you crashed who would you call?” reposted Seb.

The reporter opened their mouth, not expecting it to be turned back on them. Sebastian decided he didn’t much care to hear what they said, so he breezed on.

“So that’s what I did. It was very kind of that marshal to lend me his phone.”

“Did we see you give him your gloves?”

“You may have done, yes.”

  


“Stoffel, you suffered another DNF last time out. Are the team convinced that they have rectified the problem?”

  


Sebastian hid puffing out a long breath. At least his car worked, or at least it did when it was in one piece. When he had gone for a chat with his mechanics in the garage earlier Seb had thanked them, remarking that his car looked good as new, to which Dave had joked that was because it was pretty much. He had a whole new chassis. As they showed him over it and as Seb tried sitting in it he apologised again for all the extra work he had caused everybody. He had done the same when he had gone to see them when he was in work a week ago, but just as then, none of them would hear of it, though Mike did tease him that he should look after their new baby, before switching to ask after Teddy.

  


“Sebastian...”

Seb’s head shot up as he realised he had been drifting.

“...I was wondering how your family feel about you racing this weekend?”

 _Were you?_ thought Seb.

“They support me as they always have.”

“And Mark?”

“Is my family.”

Sebastian tried not to sound annoyed, but it niggled every time that so many of them seemed not to get that. Mark was his husband. How was that not his family? They’d been family long before they married, but surely it was unquestionable now?

“So it’s not an issue then, given the responsibilities you have now?”

Glancing over to where Britta had found a spot for herself to watch proceedings, Seb caught her eye. This was definitely veering into forbidden territory. It would be nice to ask why that question never seemed to be asked of any of the other drivers who had children. Why was he a special case? But then he always seemed to be. Lewis got it in the neck for jetting around the world enjoying himself, which Sebastian supposed was a reversal of the same sort of hypocrisy, whilst he was questioned for having the audacity to want a family and a quiet life away from racing.

Sometimes he worried what Rachel thought about he and Mark being in such a potentially dangerous profession, but she never said it was a problem and when she had come to see them the other day she had quickly moved on from asking how Seb was to concentrate on Teddy, so he had to hope it was really okay.

“My family support me as they always have,” he repeated.

Sebastian looked out, trying not to sound too confrontational, but he had no desire to give them a fuller answer when he resented the question. Maybe he really should have resorted to Mark’s other fall-back and suggested the reporter go fuck himself? It probably wouldn't endear him to the man, but it would certainly give him something to write about. Sebastian fixed on a smile. No he wasn’t giving him that either. He could have the boring answer. It happened to be true.

  


“Peter Windsor, Racing Lines,” introduced an older journalist. “Sebastian, sorry to direct another question your way, but I was wondering if you thought that perhaps younger drivers are a little more reckless, given that they don’t have the experience older drivers do and that they are prone to treat racing more like a video game?”

Seb puffed a little breath. He wasn’t yet thirty and he was one of the older drivers now. How things changed.

“I’m not sure I’d categorise it as such,” he offered. “We all race to the maximum and take risks. I don’t think there’s a driver out there who hasn’t crashed in their career, even if they are earlier on in it. So I’d think they understand.”

“Do you think perhaps that they may feel under more pressure to get results and overstep things as a result?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don’t know. You’d have to ask them. We’re all under pressure. Everyone on the grid needs good results whether it’s to keep your seat or to push to win the championship. None of us are immune from making mistakes either. Whether some drivers are better than others at avoiding them I leave to you to decide, but age is no guarantee of wisdom. Personally I try to learn from things and just move forward.”

“So what would you say you’ve learned from the last race?”

Sebastian smiled.

“I think I’ve been reminded that if you’re well ahead of everybody else into the first corner then no one can crash into you. So I’ll be hoping to do that come Sunday afternoon.”

There were a few laughs and smiles through the room. Seb thought how Dr Marko would say the same, but much as he hated to agree with him, it was true. He really could do with a good qualifying session this weekend. Seb was already thinking how he would rather get into the car and get going than sit around doing this.

  


  


  


  


As the pair of them trooped along to the pen to swap out with the other three drivers assigned media duty this weekend, Britta gave him another quick pep talk, telling Seb he had done well.

“This should be more even spread out,” she assured him.

Sebastian nodded. He just had to get it done. Half-way through now. As they entered the areas Seb adjusted his cap. The sun was bright in the mid-afternoon and it was probably pretty reasonable to keep his sunglasses on, but they might see that as being stand-offish, even that he had something to hide, so Seb removed them and folded them up to hang from his t-shirt collar then fixed on a smile as a small horde of recording devices and cameras faced him once more.

“Sebastian, how are you after your crash last race?”

Here they went again...

  


  


  


Mark looked up as the door opened and Seb came into his room, already pulling off his cap. With a quick automatic glance to check Teddy was okay Mark stood to give Seb a hug.

“You alright?”

“Yeah kinda.”

“Kinda?”

“No it’s done. It’s fine.”

Mark angled his head a little to examine Sebastian’s expression.

“Sure?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah it’s okay.”

“Okay. Come and sit down.”

Mark shifted the bassinet further down the bed as Seb peered in at their son.

“Fast asleep,” he noted.

“Yeah.”

Mark sat down at the pillow end of the bed leaving room for Seb to sit next to him closed to Teddy when he knew he would want that. He slipped his arm around him and gave Seb another squeeze.

“They’re idiots darling.”

Seb glanced towards the switched-off TV on the wall at the foot of the bed.

“You watched?”

“Of course I did. You did great as always.”

“Thanks. Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“I just switched it off as soon as it was done. They put it on a loop seeing as there’s nowt else to show and I’ve no desire to see those pillocks asking their ill-informed questions over again.”

“No.”

“Not that I didn’t want to see you again sweetheart, but I knew the real deal was coming back and the real Seb is so much better.”

Sebastian smiled and leaned into him as Mark kissed his temple.

“Thanks.” Seb looked up to Mark, then nodded at Teddy. “Did he just sleep through it then?”

“Ah he watched a bit of it then decided there were too many poopy heads and didn’t want to watch any more.”

A smile snuck onto Seb’s face and Mark shook his head in mock disapproval.

“Yeah I think I might have to have a word with our son about his language, but you can’t say he was wrong.”

“I think someone’s a bad influence.”

“I wonder who that might be?” teased Mark.

“Numpty.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark gave Seb a squeeze in and Sebastian rested his head on his shoulder.

“Actually Liebling, silly as it is, that helped. I just repeated what you said in my mind when some of them were being, you know...”

“Obnoxious?”

“Mm, and it worked to cheer me up. It made me think of you, like this always does.”

Seb showed Mark his wrist tattoo and Mark nodded, showing his own.

“Same applies darling.”

“Really?”

“Of course. If we’re apart it reminds me that we aren’t really, that you’re always with me.”

Sebastian tipped his head to look at him.

“Yeah.”

“Used to be at races, but now, well middle of the night and this little one won’t settle and sometimes I do feel it a bit, but then I look at our fish and I’m reminded that you wish you were with me.”

“I do.”

“I know.”

“I don’t like leaving you to cope at home on your own.”

Mark kissed his cheek.

“I know darling, that’s my point. I know you’d be there if you could and that you’re there in spirit.”

“And it helps you feel better?”

“Course it does sweetheart.”

Seb pressed more into him.

“It helps me too. Makes me think of you, what you’d do if you were there. I swear sometimes I can feel you glaring at them.”

“The press?”

“The bad ones. Some are okay.”

“Course. Well that’s cos I am glaring at them sweetheart. It’s just they can’t see me.”

 

Sebastian huffed a laugh and lifted up to look at Mark properly.

“See you always make me feel better, like things aren’t so serious.”

“Good.”

“I really like that you’re here Liebling. I hope that’s not selfish?”

“Course not. I’m glad I’m here too.”

“You’re not getting too bored?”

“I’m fine.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian let out a long breath feeling himself re-set. Britta knew he always needed a break after these encounters, but lately he would have been spending it on the phone to Mark. It was so much better to sit talking with Mark’s arm really around him, to watch Teddy sleeping and really feel at peace.

“It’s okay Liebling. Britta won’t let them get away with any of that stuff over the weekend when she’s in charge.”

“Good woman.”

“She is.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“You rushing off?” Mark checked.

“No, half hour break, then more prep stuff, then down the garage and then the track walk,” Seb reeled off.

“Righto.”

“It’s a lot warmer out there now.”

Mark nodded.

“Might leave it a bit, then see if he wants to go up to the roof deck to get some fresh air.”

“Oh that’s a good idea Liebling. I hate thinking of you all cooped up. It is nice out.”

Mark smiled.

“It’s a shady enough spot up there. So what do you reckon? Finish by six or is that unrealistic?”

“No I think today we should be done around then. I’ll text.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian huffed out the longest breath. Only okay stuff for the rest of the day and a nice sunny stroll out with the guys to finish. That was alright.

  


  


A couple of hours later Seb was walking around the track with his team. He always enjoyed this; a bit of time far away from the press and indeed the pressure of the garage with his guys, partly actually checking out the track for any anomalies and to remind themselves of how it went and go over their plans in context, and partly just to bond as a team, just half a dozen of them or so, sharing a bit of banter and enjoying each other’s company. It was even nicer when the weather was as pleasant as this.

“You should have asked Mark along,” joked one of his engineers.

“Yeah, brought the pram with Teddy in it to test the racing lines,” added another.

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Actually we have got a new sun-shade cover for it we tested this morning,” he related.

He caught a few shared smiles and Seb knew they still found it a little strange to think of his changed family. Plenty of these guys had been part of the team when he and Mark had been considered at daggers drawn when they were team-mates.

“Very nice,” nodded one inconsequentially.

“They’re going to bob down hopefully after this,” Seb added.

He received more nods and positive comments, though Sebastian suspected that it was his mechanics that most enjoyed seeing Teddy for some reason, though all the team were pretty welcoming thankfully.

“You must be glad to have them back with you,” commented his race engineer.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “I really am.”

The group around him couldn't miss the smile on his face as he said that. Sebastian however was looking over towards the centre of the track where the paddock lay behind the pit complex. Seb was pretty sure he could make out the top of the RedBull Energy Centre in the distance and he wondered if Mark was on the top deck as he had said, if he might be looking this way with Teddy.

“So they’ve slightly altered the kerbs leading into this corner.”

Seb’s attention was drawn back to his group. Still work to do.

  


 

Some five hundred yards away Mark did indeed sit on the open top deck of the RedBull motorhome. He had Teddy on his knee, now wide awake again. As Mark rested back on one of the comfortable padded chairs up under the covering shades that made up the roof, he reflected that they were lucky that RedBull had such spacious facilities. It would get busier from tomorrow, but Mark was sure he would find a spot for himself. He had brought up Teddy’s bag of toys with him, so Mark dug out a couple to see what entertained the baby, offering them up until Teddy tried grabbing at a plastic ring with shapes attached to it. Each were made of a different material and made noises that seemed to entertain him, so Mark put it into Teddy’s hand and smiled as those strong little fingers grasped the ring.

“You got it? What’s this one? Ooh scrunchy.”

Mark grinned as he put Teddy’s other hand on one of the attached pieces, helping him feel their texture. Seb had bought this, decreeing it to be educational. Mark wasn’t quite sure how bits of material and plastic were educating Teddy, but he liked it, so who cared really?

Teddy certainly didn’t. He smiled and gurgled happily. Mark leaned in lower to him as he sat sideways across his lap, trying to work out what his son might be trying to say.

“Do you like that matey? Good stuff. What about this bit? It looks shiny.”

Mark went to move his son’s hand to detach it from one piece to move to the next, but Teddy instantly grasped it tighter and howled.

“Ooh blimey,” reacted Mark, letting go so Teddy could hold what he wanted to and calm down. “Guess we just like scrunchy. Fair enough.”

Teddy pouted and Mark could swear he saw something of Seb in his expression. He smiled and shook his head.

“Stubborn like your papa. Hmm. Why am I surprised?”

He leaned in further to kiss Teddy’s snub nose in the hope of re-earning his approbation, then sat away with a smile.

“You play with what you want to sweetheart.”

Teddy raised both hands holding his toy and bounced his arms up and down energetically. Mark huffed a laugh. He had no idea why that was entertaining to his son, but it made him happy. Mark glanced out towards the track in the distance. He could just about make out a few people in different groups at stages around the circuit and Mark guessed that one of those groups contained his husband.

“I think Papa’s out there somewhere,” he informed Teddy.

Teddy looked at him with those big blue eyes, then bounced his toy jerkily about again. Apparently that was much more interesting.

  


  


Shortly after six pm Mark’s phone buzzed and he pulled it out to see it was the expected message from Seb asking if they wanted to come and meet him in the garage as he was done. Mark smiled at Teddy now lying out on the white sofa cushion where they still sat on the top deck of the motorhome.

“Wanna go see Papa?” he enquired.

Mark tickled Teddy’s bare feet and laughed as he waggled them about and smiled.

“Righto. Let’s tidy up then.”

Mark packed away the empty bottle he’d fed Teddy, then added the couple of toys lying about. He texted Sebastian back, then fitted the bag onto his shoulder before picking Teddy up. As he stood, Mark had an eagle’s view of the paddock and was glad to see that this late in the day there were only the odd team worker going about pushing racks of tyres and the like.

“Don’t think we need the pram mate,” he noted.

Teddy looked at him then waved his free arm about, succeeding in hitting his father in the cheek.

“Ow. Cheers mate.” Mark shifted him higher. “Little rascal.”

Teddy pouted, then fitted that arm around his neck to hang onto him, burying his face in Mark’s shoulder. Mark sighed, wondering if that amounted to sorry from his son, or if he was just a bit tired now.

“Alright, come on then sweetheart, let’s go.”

He headed down, stopping off in Seb’s room to deposit the bag so he was unencumbered. As he reached the exit Mark looked out at the still clear blue sky and hoped it wasn’t a problem that Teddy was only wearing a little t-shirt and shorts over his nappy. Surely a two minute trip crossing the paddock to reach the garage wasn’t going to let him get sun-burnt? Mark decided the fight to get sun-screen on his son would be more fuss than it was worth and had merely added his little sunhat. Teddy was already none too happy that his father had put his ear-protectors on in case there was a lot of noise coming from work going on in the RedBull garage or the others they passed, so Mark decided that was sufficient struggle for today. He gave Teddy a smile and walked briskly outside.

  


 

As he walked into the garage Mark was glad that Teddy had his ears covered, not due to noisy machinery, but the typically dreadful loud music they were playing. He wondered if he was getting old to consider it so bad, but Mark didn’t think Teddy would much enjoy the banging house ‘chunes’ either. God only knew who in the team did. He smiled as Sebastian spotted them lurking in the entranceway, beaming as he hurried over.

“Hello Lieblinge,” greeted Seb, exchanging kisses on the cheek and smiling at how comical Teddy looked.

“Sorry it took a while. He decided to tell me he needed a nappy change the moment we got to your room,” Mark apologised.

“That’s okay. We were just chatting. Want to come say hi?”

“Sure.”

Mark passed Teddy over, knowing Seb would like that and enjoyed watching how proudly Sebastian stood holding him while various team members came to fuss over the baby. He noticed Helmut Marko stood in the corner talking to Christian look over at them disapprovingly, so Mark looked defiantly back. Surely he wanted a happy driver in the car? Mark was quite certain that them being here made Seb happy. He didn’t much care what made Helmut happy. Christian by contrast smiled and came across to greet them, immediately requesting a hold.

“And how’s my godson?” he enquired, looking directly at Teddy in his arms as if he could answer.

“Good mate,” assured Mark. “We won’t be long underfoot. We just wanted to say hello.”

“Ah I think we’re allowed a little break,” smiled Christian. “Aren’t you pretty much done for today anyway Sebi?”

“Yeah that’s why I asked them to meet me.”

“Ah I see. And Mark you’re all set up for the weekend?”

“They’re looking after us in the motorhome,” assured Mark.

“Good to hear.”

 

The music had been turned down by an unseen hand, but they left the headphones on Teddy who seemed to have forgotten they were on now as he reached to poke his godfather’s face.

“Ah sorry mate, he’s started doing that,” apologised Mark as he pulled Teddy’s hand away.

“Wondering who I am,” guessed Christian. “I really should spare more time.”

“You could come for lunch again?” offered Seb with a quick glance to Mark.

“Yeah Sunday lunch,” Mark agreed. “When you’re not busy racing of course.”

“Very kind.”

“He’s already looking forward to seeing his godmother in Monaco, aren’t you Schatz?”

Mark huffed a laugh. That meant Seb was looking forward to seeing Jess, but then it had been a while and both Jessica and Jenson had both texted and called in the aftermath of Seb’s recent accident, trying to unobtrusively check up on him, so it was no bad thing that they would be visiting in a fortnight’s time.

  


As Christian ducked down to show Teddy his father's car, Mark hoped he wouldn't let him too close to where the wheel was attached. Not because he thought his son could in any way injure himself, but those bright shiny buttons might prove too tempting and the last thing they needed was something in here getting damaged, particularly when it cost around ten thousand pounds.

“How old is he now?” enquired one of the mechanics.

“Four and a half months,” Sebastian replied proudly.

“Blimey. I remember you first bringing him in. Tiny little thing.”

“Yeah he’s really growing now isn’t he Liebling?”

“Yep,” agreed Mark.

“Hey you should have him in that race-suit we got him,” noted Steve.

“Oh um.” Seb looked to Mark.

“Bit warm today,” excused Mark.

“Ah true,” the mechanic agreed.

“We’ll save that for a rainy day at Silvo.”

“Ha, yeah.”

 

Christian stood up and passed Teddy back to Sebastian so others could fuss over him again, the baby coping remarkably well with having his cheeks chubbed and strange faces looking in at him as he stared back curiously with those big blue eyes. Whilst Seb held him Mark took a moment to look over Seb’s car for himself. He knew there was no way they would not have it prepared for him, but it was oddly reassuring to see it sat there looking pristine and ready, albeit raised up without tyres fitted.

“Where’s Dan?” Mark enquired.

Sebastian turned his head as one of the mechanics gave Teddy the smallest of spanners to hold in his little hand.

“He’s on his track walk now.”

“Ah okay.”

Mark huffed a little laugh as Teddy waved the tiny metal spanner about to the delight of those watching.

“Get you working on the car at this rate,” joked Nigel.

“Ha, best not,” smiled Seb.

“Are you all set then?” Mark asked, not directing his question at anyone in particular.

“Pretty much,” replied the chief mechanic.

Mark looked to Seb with Teddy.

“We should probably let folk get on,” he noted.

Sebastian nodded, so Mark attempted to take the little spanner from Teddy resulting in him only gripping it tighter and pulling it away with a disgruntled cry.

“No mate c’mon. It’s not one of your toys,” insisted Mark working to uncurl tiny fingers from around the handle.

“Sorry,” apologised the mechanic who had given it to him.

“Nah mate it’s alright. He’s just getting a bit possessive about things. Here you are.”

Teddy scowled at him and started crying, burying himself into Seb unhappily.

“Oh dear. I’m in bad books,” noted Mark. “Mean Daddy.”

“We’d better go,” suggested Sebastian as he stroked over Teddy’s back.

Mark nodded and with quick goodbyes and thanks they headed off. As they exited Mark observed the Dr Marko had left the garage. It didn’t take a lot to guess what his thoughts were on a baby visiting, even less a crying one, but seeing as he hadn’t even said hello Mark had no sympathy for him.

  


  


 

 

The next morning Seb woke early, his mind taking a moment to realise that they were in a hotel room, not at home. To the side Teddy lay asleep in his crib which they had brought with them and Sebastian lay watching him, his little mouth partly open, his chest moving up and down as he breathed steadily. Seb could feel Mark’s breath ghosting on his neck as he lay behind him, spooned into his back, his arm wrapped around Sebastian’s waist as if to stop him slipping away in the night. Sebastian let out a slow breath wanting to make the most of this peaceful moment before his busy day began. There was a narrow shaft of light creeping into the room from where the curtains met the wall so dawn had broken, but if Teddy was still asleep and their alarm hadn’t gone off it had to be early yet.

He felt a deeper breath behind him and smiled as Mark’s hand smoothed over his stomach. Seb waited a moment, enjoying the intimacy and thinking how once this would have been the precursor to something more developing, but not with Teddy there and not on a race weekend anyway. He swivelled around to face Mark and smiled as he was greeted with a kiss.

“Morning Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Morning. You sound perky.”

“Do I?”

Mark stroked over Seb’s side.

“What time is it?”

“Dunno.”

Sebastian went to move so he could check, but Mark shook his head.

“Don’t jinx us.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Only up once last night.”

“I know. Miracles will never cease.”

 

Mark raised his head off the pillow to check that Teddy was still asleep, then lowered it back down to look back at Seb.

“How you feeling about today?” he enquired.

Sebastian shrugged his higher shoulder.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

Seb nodded.

“I’ll be fine. You?”

Mark puffed a little breath.

“Better once you get going I suspect. I’m sure you’ll be as good as you always are.”

He raised his hand to stroke over Seb’s cheek, then gave him a smile as Seb smiled back. They both knew that there was nothing to be done but get on with things. Mark leaned in to kiss Seb, just beginning to deepen it as a cry rent the air. They pulled apart with a sigh and both sat up, Sebastian reaching to lift Teddy out from his crib to soothe him.

“Shh Teddybär, we’re here. Have you decided it’s morning?”

Mark looked at his phone thinking that the alarm had yet to go off.

“Uff, only five past five.” He frowned and looked at Teddy as Seb comforted him. “Guess we did jinx things after all.”

“Can you get his bottle?”

“Yeah ‘kay.”

 

Mark sighed and pulled the duvet back to set about his task. As he came back and handed it to Seb, Mark climbed back into bed beside them.

“Knew it had to be too good to be true,” he commented.

Sebastian looked up from making sure Teddy had the teat in his mouth and was feeding properly.

“Time difference.”

“Hm?”

“It’s an hour earlier here Liebling. So it’s gone six for Teddy. His body-clock doesn’t understand where we are.”

“Oh.” Mark rubbed at his face. “Yeah of course sweetheart. Hadn’t thought about that. Guess I’m not that awake yet.”

“He is getting better.”

“Yeah he is,” agreed Mark.

He slipped his arm around Seb thinking they should make the most of this time together and consider this extra hour a bonus. Mark let Seb do all the feeding, knowing he would miss looking after their son while he was working for most of the day. Sebastian let out a sigh and rested his head down on Mark’s shoulder as they both sat watching their son in silence. Mark waited until Teddy had finished feeding and Seb had winded him, wiping a little regurgitated milk away from around the baby’s mouth.

“Messy eater.”

Seb sent him a look, so Mark stroked Teddy’s cheek to show he was only teasing.

“Want me to take him?”

Sebastian shook his head. He pulled his knees up under the duvet to create a rest for Teddy lie safely back against while he looked at him. Seb just wanted a little more time with him before their son remembered he wasn’t very awake yet and hopefully had a mini-nap while he and Mark got ready for the day. He noticed Mark was looking more at him than Teddy and turned his head.

“Are you going to be okay today?” Seb asked.

Mark paused. He knew Seb didn’t mean him killing time or looking after Teddy on his own.

“I’ll be okay,” he reassured. “Will you?”

“I’ll be alright.”

“Good, then so will I.”

Seb raised an eyebrow and Mark shrugged.

“Ah I dunno sweetheart, like you said, just got to get on with it. I know you’ll be fine. Logically.”

Sebastian reached and took his hand, rubbing over it.

“It’ll just be a little bit weird for a moment the first time I set off in the car, but once I get going I’ll be fine. Really Liebling. I mean I’ve done this before. So have you.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I wish I knew how to make it easier for you Liebling.”

Mark tsk’d and gave him a squeeze.

“You don’t need to do anything sweetheart. You just concentrate on work and get on with it like I know you will. You’re right, it’s just the first moments. We’ll both be fine once you get going. Don’t be thinking about us, focus on driving.”

“To be honest Liebling I can’t really do anything else when I’m in the car.”

“Good. As it should be. So there’s nothing to fret about.”

 

Mark kissed Seb’s cheek decisively and Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Can you tell my mum that?”

“I can if you like darling. Are you going to call them this morning?”

Sebastian scrunched his face.

“Ah I dunno. I just...”

He sighed again and Mark nodded. He understood the dilemma: Seb didn’t want to feel like a bad son when he knew his mother in particular would be worrying, but at the same time, dealing with a fretful phone-call right ahead of dealing with his own nerves right before getting into the car might not be the most helpful thing.

“Why don’t you just drop them a text telling them everything’s good?” proposed Mark. “I’ll send some pics of Teddy watching to cheer them up.”

“That’s a good idea. Thanks.”

“No prob.”

Sebastian gave him a smile, hoping that would distract Mark in the run-up as well. Teddy murmured and flailed his arms so Mark went to find his toy dinosaur to put into his hands to occupy him and they amused themselves watching him until he seemed to tire of it.

“Why don’t you put him down and see if he’ll have a rest?” Mark suggested.

Seeing as Teddy did seem to have settled Seb agreed.

“I guess we’re not in a hurry now,” he noted.

Seb put Teddy back into his crib, watching for a moment to check he didn’t fuss.

“He might nap through now, give us time to ring down for breakfast,” Seb added.

“And a shower.”

“That too.” Mark looked down at Teddy to see those eyes were definitely drooping now. “I’ll give him second breakfast at the track.”

“We can get there nice and early now.”

“Mm and in the meantime, that shower...”

Mark offered out his hand and smiled. Seb smiled back as he realised that meant Mark was suggesting they share it. Perhaps a few distractions were no bad thing?

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an aside, I thought I'd drop in that this being an AU Fernando is not off to Indy500, so nor is JB jumping in the McLaren at Monaco, partly because I've already thought about that, and partly because in this JB is racing in WEC and long retired from F1.
> 
> Anyway, onto the race in Spain where the rain falls mainly on the plain. (Just randomness, not a hint btw) ;)


	223. Safe - pt 2

* * *

 

  


By quarter to eight Mark was set up in hospitality at the track whilst Seb was about to go begin his preparations for free practice despite the start being over two hours away. He paused only to sort out getting Teddy’s bottle warmed before heading off. An hour and a half later Seb was back, sitting with them for as long as possible before he dashed up to change into his race-suit ready for FP1. He stopped only to get a quick hug from Mark and to kiss Teddy now lying in his pram, then Seb was running across the paddock to get back to the garage. 

Moments later Mark looked up from the start of pre-FP1 coverage on television to see DC coming his way.

“Oh hello.”

“I just nearly got knocked over by your beloved,” reported David.

“Huh?”

“Seb, sprinting off to the garage like a kid late for registration.”

“Oh, ha, yeah he was cutting it a bit fine by his standards,” accepted Mark. “Ironic really since we got here at about half past seven this morning.”

DC pulled a face.

“Half seven? Why? You’re not dodging the press again are you?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder. That had been one of their thoughts, and they certainly weren’t disappointed to find the paddock largely deserted when they arrived.

“Ah Teddy’s not adjusted his body-clock so we’ve been up since the crack of dawn anyway,” Mark related.

“Oh I see.”

“How come you’re not working?”

“On part-time duty this weekend.”

Mark frowned, so DC explained.

“Highlights only, so there’s no Friday coverage.”

“Ah I see. You just going to watch it in here then?”

“If that’s alright?”

“Free country.”

“No I meant...” David paused. “With Seb. I wasn’t sure if you’d prefer to be alone.”

“Ah.” Mark looked over at Teddy now sleeping and let out a sigh. If he’d wanted to be alone he could have hidden away in Seb’s room, but here he was. “No mate it’s fine.”

“Yeah?”

Mark nodded.

“I didn’t get chance to speak to him, but Seb’s alright isn’t he?” checked David.

“Seb’s always alright,” offered Mark blithely. 

David frowned a little and Mark thought how that wasn’t entirely true, but in racing terms Sebastian skills weren’t limited to his control of the car.

“He compartmentalises,” Mark explained.

“Does what?”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“He puts stuff in a box. Anything, I don’t know, other stuff, complications, he puts them to one side when he gets in the car. He’s always been remarkably good at that.”

DC nodded sagely.

“When the visor goes down and that.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

“And you?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh and looked at him.

“Never gets any easier,” he confessed.

“Mm. Well, if you don’t mind company I’ll get a drink. Want a coffee?” offered David.

“Sure, why not? Thanks.”

David walked to the counter to place the order while Mark looked back to the TV. Why not add more caffeine to the nerves he already had jangling? Mark smiled wryly to himself. First five minutes and then he’d be fine. It wasn’t as if it was a race start or anything.

  


Sebastian sat in the car, his heart beating a little faster than usual. He could excuse it as resulting from having to run to the garage, but it was only a short distance and Seb knew that wasn’t really it, or at least not all. He could see the cameras poking around the entrance  from the pitlane , but Seb ignored them, speaking to the guys around his car before looking to the screen placed on the lip of the car in front of where he sat and checking the radio link to his engineer. Then it was time to set off. Perhaps having no time to overthink it was best? His heart was still thumping, but he knew what to do: Don’t think too much, just do it.

  


In the RedBull motorhome David watched as Mark sat, eyes fixed on the screen as it showed a homed - in shot of Seb in his car in the garage, those blue eyes seemingly looking right back out at him.  David noticed that Mark had pulled the pram closer and now his hand rested in it, Teddy clasping one long finger with his own tiny ones wrapped around it despite appearing to be asleep. 

DC looked back to the television to see Sebastian now pulling his visor down before pulling out of the garage to line up with the rest as the light went green in the pitlane for the start of FP1. Neither of them spoke as their coffees went cold on the table in front of them while Sebastian was shown along with the others wending their way around on out-laps to give their cars a once-over before coming in and going again. Seb did the same as most of the rest, no indication that he was any different to the others. It was only after five minutes of this had passed without incident that David witnessed the slightest relaxation of the muscles in Mark’s shoulders that Mark hadn’t even realised he had hunched. Mark took a sip of his lukewarm coffee as Sebastian came into the garage again, then after a discussion with the team and a few tweaks to the car, went back off again. 

Mark put the cup down, his eyes never left the screen, his right hand never left Teddy’s.

  
  


  


That evening Sebastian returned from the drivers’ meeting accompanied not just by Dan, but Lewis as well. More than a few eyes turned to them as they entered the RedBull hospitality area. Mark rose to meet them, giving Seb a kiss on the cheek and saying hi to the other two.

“I don’t get a kiss?” teased Dan. “Gutted.”

Mark rolled his eyes and looked to Sebastian instead.

“How was the meeting?”

Seb shrugged.

“Okay. Charlie had a few things to say about people using their heads at the start on Sunday.”

“I’ll bet he did.”

He glanced to the side to see both Daniel and Lewis looking down at Teddy in his pram, gurning and smiling at him to get a reaction from the baby.

“Did you get an apology?” Mark enquired.

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“I didn’t expect one.”

“Two.”

“Hmm, well anyway.”

“Did you say anything?” pressed Mark.

Sebastian sighed. “Really Liebling, what’s the point? They wouldn't listen. I don’t suppose I would when I was younger.”

“Hmm.”

Dan huffed a laugh and turned to them.

“Think you’d get Max apologising for anything? I swear that kid has never apologised for anything in his life.”

Mark shook his head.

“I raced against his father. Perhaps I should have a word with him if he’s about?”

Seb put a hand on his arm.

“No Liebling.”

Mark opened his mouth to protest that it would just be a quiet hint that his son ought to not be quite so impetuous, or careless with other people’s lives, but Sebastian firmly shook his head again. Mark sighed,  knowing Seb was right .

“Okay.”

“Charlie said pretty much what I would have said. It’s done, okay?”

Mark nodded. The urge to stand up for Seb was hard to resist, but it wasn’t his place to go interfering  in racing matters. 

“Okay,” he accepted.

 

Dan and Lewis looked to each other, not wanting to get in the middle of that. Instead Lewis pulled another funny face at the baby and was thrilled when he gurgled a laugh in response.

“Oh man, jeez, that is the cutest thing.”

Seb and Mark forgot their discussion and turned to the pram where Lewis was trying to get the baby to laugh again.

“Can I have a hold?” requested Lewis.

Mark smiled to Seb, then nodded and lifted Teddy out to pass him over. Lewis jigged him in his arms, seeming delighted when the baby pawed at his face.

“Yeah you know your Uncle Lewis don’t you?” Lewis beamed at him and the baby smiled back. “Yeah you do. Ha, want to come with me to the garage so I can confuse the heck out of my team?”

“Hey, he’s here supporting me, not you,” protested Sebastian.

“I thought he was supporting me,” complained Dan.

Mark smoothed over the wisps of hair on his son’s head.

“Only supporting Papa aren’t you darling?”

“Shame.”

“You’ll be having the press thinking you’re wanting to change teams again,” noted Mark.

“Hm?” frowned Lewis, dragging his eyes away from the baby.

“In Melbourne, there were stories about you moving teams cos you were seen here at RedBull.”

“Oh I never read that stuff,” dismissed Lewis.

“Fernando called in earlier as well,” commented Mark. “We’ll have the rumour-mill going.”

Lewis shrugged, then returned his attention to Teddy.

“Have to get you a Merc cap.” 

Dan reached to pull Lewis’s off him and placed it on the baby’s head, half covering his little face. Sebastian shook his head and whisked it off again.

“Poor Teddybär. Can’t see you like that.”

He took the baby back and shook his head at his team-mate.

“Sorry,” apologised Dan, still smiling as ever. “Right I need to get on. Catch you later guys.”

He set off and as Lewis rearranged the cap on his own head, he realised the same.

“Me too. Got a promo event in town tonight.”

“Really?”

“Yup. Never ends. Right, good to see you Mark and you little guy. Seb, guess I’ll see you on track.”

“I’ll look for you in my mirrors.”

The pair of them laughed, then Seb paused as he saw how Teddy was staring at them curiously.

“Grown-ups are silly Teddybär.”

“Yeah we are,” agreed Mark. “Lewis mate, good to see you. Enjoy your event.”

“Ha, yeah, I’d better go get smartened up. Bye.”

 

With a last chub of Teddy’s cheek Lewis left them to it and Sebastian sat down, balancing Teddy on his lap and letting out a whoof of air.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah.” Sebastian sighed. “Liebling I need to go back and do some more work with the team ahead of tomorrow.”

Mark glanced at his watch: almost six o’clock already.

“I’m sorry,” apologised Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“If it needs doing. I presume it needs you?”

“I really do need to be part of it Liebling. I have to give my input and understand where we are for tomorrow so I get the most out of it.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah okay. Any idea how long?”

“I think you should go back to the hotel and I’ll catch up.”

“Seb.”

“Well I’m sorry Liebling, but I need to do it.”

“I mean you working too hard.”

“Not too hard. Just…” Sebastian sighed. “Liebling I just feel I need to. Times were okay today, but I know I can do better and...”

Mark sighed. Seb always thinking he should do better.

“Fine. If you really think it’s essential.”

“It is.”

“It’s not anyone guilting you into it?”

“Hm?”

“A certain Dr Marko?”

“Oh. No Liebling. It’s nothing to do with him. I just think it would help to really work things through. Go over everything with the car with the data from today and, well you know, all that.”

“Okay. But really sweetheart you’ve got quali tomorrow, don’t be staying all night or you’ll just be tired and that rather defeats the object.”

“Eight o’clock then I’ll be straight back. Half eight latest.”

Mark looked at Teddy.

“We could wait for you?”

“Oh no Liebling, that’s too late for Teddy. He’s usually down by then. It wouldn't be fair to disrupt him.”

“Mm. Okay.”

 

Sebastian looked at him appealingly and Mark wanted to roll his eyes.

“Alright sweetheart you don’t need to bat your lashes. It’s fine. I’ll head back and give him his dinner.”

“And then we can have dinner as soon as I get back and just have an early night. I won’t be late Liebling I promise.”

Mark decided it was best not to remind Seb that he would already be late.

“And it’s a later start tomorrow, so we don’t have to get here until after eight,” Seb offered by way of compensation.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian couldn’t help pouting.

“Liebling I really am sorry. I know it’s not fair on you.”

Mark shook his head.

“It’s fine. Really. I just don’t want you over-doing it, but I get it, of course you want to be prepared and if this is what you need to do, you do it. Just don’t stay any longer than you have to, yeah?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark reached to rub his knee.

“I know you’d far rather go back with us. Don’t stress. Right, I may as well go get our stuff and you can get on with things.”

“I can help.”

“No I can grab bags. You get on. Sooner you do, sooner you’ll be back at the hotel.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian passed over Teddy and gave him a kiss as Mark stood with him.

“I promise I’ll be as quick as I can.”

Mark nodded and kissed Seb’s cheek in turn.

“I know you will. Can you get a lift back with someone?”

Seb nodded, then with a deep breath headed back out into the paddock. Once he was gone Mark let out a long sigh, then hitched Teddy higher in his arms.

“Just you and me again buddy. Hey ho. Let’s grab our stuff and skiddadle then.”

  


  


Two hours later Sebastian let himself into the their hotel room. Mark who was sat on the end of the bed watching TV turned to see him come in.

“Oh hey.”

“Hi.”

Mark checked his watch.

“You’re a bit earlier.”

“Yeah we went as fast as we could through it all.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Very appropriate really.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian was stood looking down at Teddy asleep in his crib so Mark stood to join him.

“He went off soon as I put him down.”

Seb nodded but Mark worried he was quiet, so he wrapped his arms around him.

“You don’t need to feel guilty for working sweetheart. I didn’t mean to make you think that.”

Seb took a deep breath.

“I got away as soon as I could.”

“Course you did. You work hard darling. It’s who you are. You don’t need to feel bad about it.”

Seb nodded.

“Thank you.”

Mark kissed him and gave him another squeeze.

“Right, just us then. What say we order in some grub, then watch a film to wind down, have a nice cuddle up while this young man gives us some peace?”

“That sounds perfect Liebling,” smiled Seb.

  


 

  


  


By Sunday morning Sebastian felt much more into the swing of things, though he still felt a little guilty for the amount of time he was leaving Mark alone with their son while he was working. He knew it couldn't be helped though. When they arrived at the circuit and parked in the private car-park spot reserved for them Seb tried to help by setting the pram up while Mark lifted Teddy out of his car-seat to place him in.

“Nice day for it,” commented Mark with a glance up at the blue sky above.

“Mm.”

Sebastian was already fixing on the sun-shade over the pram. So far they hadn’t been hassled in the paddock, but it felt an ever-present danger and Seb had a nasty feeling that there was nothing to really stop a fan snapping pictures on their mobile phone and putting them online. As he looked at the white gauzy material Sebastian hoped it really was enough to protect Teddy. Certainly nobody had come close to them while they had him. Seb had plenty of fans pounce in the paddock asking for selfies or autographs, but only when he had been alone or with Britta going back and forth while he considered himself on work time. With the race not starting until two pm here they’d not got here until nearly half past nine thinking it was a long enough day as it was, so he suspected there would be more people about as they entered than on previous days.

In the distance they could hear the sound of one of the support series already on track, so Mark pulled out Teddy’s ear-protectors and fitted them on before re-fixing the shade covering him.

As they walked towards the paddock entrance Seb could see a gathering of people outside the security gate.

“It looks busy,” he observed, automatically gripping the handle of the pram a little tighter.

Mark peered ahead. It was only perhaps thirty people waiting there, stood behind what looked like barriers set out to keep them back.

“Hmm, only the hoi-polloi willing to get here nearly five hours ahead of the race.”

“Real fans you mean?” commented Sebastian.

“Precisely. Bet the Paddock Club mob don’t wash up for their champagne and canapés for another couple of hours yet.”

“Mm.”

Mark saw the way Seb was looking down at Teddy. He knew he was worrying, even if they were only ordinary fans.

“They’re not going to do anything darling. There’s plenty of security around.”

“I know.”

“I’m sure they’ll just be excited to see you.”

“Yeah.”

Seb bit his lip and paused, looking to Mark.

“Liebling I think if you take him on and I just stop to give them a few autographs.”

“Distract them?”

“A bit, plus, they are just fans. As long as Teddy’s not there I don’t mind doing all that.”

“Sure,” nodded Mark. “Okay. I’ll whisk him off and you catch up.”

  


They swapped places, Mark taking over with the pram as Seb walked on the other side nearest to where the grouped fans were fifty feet away. As soon as they got within range Mark gave Sebastian a nod and veered to the far side of the wide driveway, taking Teddy straight to the security gate to be let into the paddock while Sebastian smiled and went over to the line of fans as they shouted enthusiastically,  secretly rather glad they were kept safely behind the barrier . Mark got the pram through the gate and away as fast as he could with only a brief glance over his shoulder to see Seb working the line of fans to keep them happy. He was tempted to wait just inside the paddock, but Mark knew he had told Seb he would go on, so he strode ahead aiming straight for the RedBull base, waiting instead just inside there.

It was five minutes before Sebastian reached them, letting out a sigh as he came through the door.

“Okay then?”

Sebastian turned to see Mark stood there now holding Teddy with his ear-defenders removed. He’d half expected him to go straight up.

“Oh, yeah fine.” Seb came to stand with them, looking in at Teddy. “They were just a bit noisy. Were you alright?”

“Few looks, nobody accosted me or anything.”

“Good.”

Mark glanced towards the door towards the paddock. Despite his jokes about the prawn sandwich brigade’s lack of dedication, he knew it would start filling up soon and they certainly wouldn't want to risk taking Teddy out when it was busy. This building was his lot for the day again. Thank god they had the roof terrace or he might start getting cabin fever.

“Right sweetheart, shall we go up and sort ourselves out, then you can go find Britta and see what needs doing?” proposed Mark.

Sebastian nodded and started gathering up all their bags stashed under the pram before stashing that in turn over in the corner. He lugged the assortment of belongings they couldn’t go anywhere without these days, ninety percent of which was of course for their son, while Mark carried Teddy up to their room. As soon as they entered Sebastian dumped down the bags in a heap and puffed a breath.

“How does someone so small need so much stuff?” he complained.

Mark huffed a laugh, knowing Seb already knew the answer.

“Nappies, bottles, changes of clothes, toys, blankie, another change of clothes just in case, extra layers in case it goes cold, sunscreen in case it’s too warm, hat, ear-defenders, kitchen sink...”

Seb smiled and shook his head. Then he noticed something over on his bed. He stepped over to see a miniature dark blue RedBull t-shirt laid out neatly on the bed.

“Ah. Ha.”

“What?” frowned Mark, looking up from checking that they really did have all the bags they needed with them.

“Look.”

Sebastian held up the little t-shirt, a perfect replica of the team shirt he wore, only as the label declared inside; for age 3-6 months. As he picked it up a small piece of paper fluttered to the floor unnoticed.

“Where’s that come from?” asked Mark.

“It was on the bed.”

“Left by fairies?”

Seb shrugged.

“Left by someone on the team.”

“A little hint for what they’d like his lordship to wear on race day.”

“Aw I think it’s nice. It’s a gift. He doesn’t have to wear it.”

Mark huffed a laugh and shook his head, encouraging Seb to hold the t-shirt against Teddy to check if it would fit.

“Looks alright. C’mon then, might as well go for it.”

He lay Teddy down on the bed and between them they switched the ordinary t-shirt, white with green stars, for the branded team gear. It clashed a little with the long green shorts he was wearing, but that didn’t matter.

“Well, just look at you,” smiled Mark as Teddy kicked his legs and wriggled about. “Quite the little team-member now.”

He saw how Seb was smiling and thought that it really was a nice gesture of inclusion by whoever had arranged it. Mark pulled out his phone and snapped a few pictures to send to family and friends, knowing how they might be worrying a little ahead of today’s race. Hopefully this would make them smile. Sebastian tickled Teddy’s sock clad foot and laughed to see him react.

 

Mark left him to have a play for a few minutes while he sorted their things out properly, then Seb took his turn, making sure all his race kit was there in the miniscule cupboard tucked at the end of the bed. Two fresh sets of race underwear, two race-suits. His gloves, cowl and helmet would be waiting for him ready in the garage.

“All set?” asked Mark.

“Yep, just checking.”

Mark nodded. He couldn't imagine the team ever forgetting, but it was better to be sure. Sebastian shut the cupboard decisively.

“Right.”

“Right?”

“Um I think I should go find Britta and just go over what I’m doing.”

Mark nodded.

“Lost without that woman.”

“I really am. Honestly, it’s just there’s so much to absorb on a race weekend, my head gets a bit full for the rest.”

Mark smiled, know what Seb meant. He was so focussed on the technicalities of driving, qualifying and the race. Britta organised everything for him outside that, all his media duties, team commitments, PR work and anything else required of him. It could feel chaotic sometimes. A good assistant brought order and calm to proceedings and Britta was the best.

“I meant it in a good way darling. Right you are then. I think I might just get myself a take-out coffee and head upstairs for some fresh air before it gets too hot and too busy.”

“Okay Liebling. I’ll find you when I’m free.”

“Sure.”

 

Mark started selecting what he needed to take with him while Sebastian made sure he looked presentable to start work and they headed down. When they reached the service counter in the main hospitality area on the ground floor Mark ordered his coffee, explaining to the woman that Teddy had already had his second bottle of the day as she asked after him. He gave Seb a little wink.

“They look after us in here, don’t you Suzi?”

The woman smiled at Teddy in his little RedBull top.

“Got to look after our littlest team-member.”

“Ha, not me?”

The woman went to say she meant Mark as well, but Sebastian shook his head.

“He’s teasing you. Is the pram still okay there?”

“Sure. Are you sitting in now?”

“Nah we’re going up top,” Mark explained. “Hence the take-out cup.”

“Oh of course. Very good. Sebastian would you like anything?”

“No I’m fine thanks. I should go Liebling.”

Sebastian turned to go find his assistant, only to see Christian approaching.

“Hello all,” smiled Christian. “Here bright and early I see.”

Mark said hello back, guessing the RedBull boss had been here somewhat earlier still.

“I was just going to go find Britta,” stated Seb.

“Well don’t let me hold you up. I’m just grabbing myself a drink. Flat white Suzi, if you would be so kind.”

Christian smiled in at Teddy.

“And don’t you look smart young man?”

Sebastian laughed as he realised what he should have before.

“It was you.”

“Ah well, got to spoil my godson a bit. Isn’t that my job as godfather?”

“Was it a secret?”

“Hm?”

“Were you not going to say it was from you so we could say thank you?”

“I left a note.”

“Oh.” Sebastian laughed. “I didn’t see a note, did you Liebling?”

Mark gave a shake of his head.

“Nope. Bit messy in Seb’s room with all this little guy’s stuff in there. Guess we missed it, sorry mate. Thanks for that.”

“Ah no bother,” dismissed Christian. “Right. I think that’s yours Mark.”

  


They turned to see Suzi politely waiting with a tall take-out cup, not wanting to interrupt.

“Large back Americano,” she reminded him. “Yours in just one moment Christian.”

“Good stuff. Thanks,” nodded Mark.

“I should really go,” remembered Sebastian. “Thanks for his present Christian. Liebling I’ll find you when I’m free.”

“Sure. We’ll be around. I’ll text updates.”

Sebastian smiled thinking that without them he would end up chasing around the building looking for them.

“Righto. Later then. See you in a bit Christian.”

Seb headed off whilst Mark hung around chatting until Christian had his own drink and needed to get back to work. Left alone he gave the woman serving on the counter a smile, then hitched the bag on his shoulder and Teddy in his other arm before picking up his coffee and heading on up.

  


  


  


A few hours later Mark received the message that Sebastian was on his way back from the drivers’ parade and came down to meet him as he changed for the race in his room. As he walked into the room Seb was already pulling on his race-suit over the fire-proof Nomex underwear.

“Fast work,” noted Mark.

Sebastian looked up from tying the empty sleeves around his waist.

“Hm?”

“Nothing. You all set then?”

“Yep. It’s busy out there now.”

“Yeah I could see from the roof terrace.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Spying on people?”

“Ah a bit. It’s fun. Teddy and I were seeing what we could spot. We gave you a wave out on the fun bus.”

“Could you see us?”

“Sure. Pretty much anyway.”

Sebastian came closer, giving their son a smile.

“Well thank you for waving.” 

He looked to the side where Mark had brought the pram bassinet. Seb wasn’t sure when he had done it, but he supposed Mark had plenty of time to kill while he rushed about.

“Are you going to watch the race in here?” he enquired.

“Yeah I think so.”

 

Seb nodded, guessing that meant Mark wanted to be alone rather than observed by all the other occupants of a now busy hospitality area. He offered out his arms and took Teddy, giving him a kiss.

“Now you be good for Daddy Schatz.”

“Ah he will be,” assured Mark.

“Yeah. Good boy aren’t you Kleiner? Good boy for Daddy.”

Sebastian started jigging Teddy to entertain him, smiling in at his son.

“Sweetheart I wouldn't. He’s just had his lunch bottle and...”

Teddy opened his mouth and without warning projectile vomited milky reflux all over Sebastian.

 

“Ah,” stopped Mark.

Both of them froze in shock for a moment, then Teddy burst into tears and they were back in action.

“Oh my god,” gasped Sebastian looking down in horror at his ruined race clothes and holding Teddy as far away as he could from the mess.

Mark took Teddy and quickly started cleaning him up, wiping around his mouth with a tissue, then grabbing the linen cloth so he could wind him over his shoulder in case there was more to come out. Sebastian was plucking at his soaked long-sleeved top, trying to pull it off without getting more mess on him.

“Poor darling,” soothed Mark.

Sebastian looked at him as he tried to get his top over his head without getting sick in his hair. Mark wasn’t talking to him.

“Is he alright?” worried Seb.

Mark stroked over Teddy’s back.

“Just reflux.”

Sebastian sighed and looked down to see the vomit had dripped all on his race-suit as well.

“Oh _god_.”

Mark lifted Teddy away to check on his son. 

“At least you didn’t get it on your nice new top.”

“ _Mark_ ,” complained Sebastian. “I’m going to be late now.”

“I did warn you.”

Sebastian was shuffling his now grossly damp race-suit down his legs.

“Earlier would have helped. Oh my god. I stink.”

 

Mark looked at Teddy to be sure he seemed alright now, then went to the cupboard to start pulling out replacement clothing with one hand. Sebastian stood in only his race underwear leggings, trying to ball up his spoiled clothes so as not to make things worse.

“Here,” offered Mark. “Leave that, I’ll sort it.”

He passed Seb a fire-proof top and placed the spare race-suit on the bed whilst Seb kicked the old ones out of the way, fumbling with his hands in his haste to redress.

“Wait a sec,” instructed Mark, reaching for a couple of the hand sanitising wipes from the nappy kit bag. 

He passed them to Seb who frantically cleaned over his skin. Mark couldn't help  letting out a little laugh.

“It’s not funny,” moaned Sebastian.

Mark gave him a look.

“It is a bit.”

“ _Mark_.”

“Alright. Not in the circumstances.”

“Have I got it anywhere else?”

Mark shook his head.

“Just the clothes. Here.”

He took the used wipes and dropped them on the offending pile.

“I’m gonna be late,” pouted Seb.

“No you’re not.” Mark stepped into him and put a calming hand on Seb’s arm. “You’re not going to be late. It’s okay. You’re always early. You being late is everyone else’s on time. Calm down. Take a breath.”

 

Sebastian did as he was told and took a deep breath. He could still smell the milky vomit scent, but slowing to take the breath did help. He did it again, then sighed and looked at both Mark and Teddy.

“Sorry. Sorry Teddybär, that was my fault. Is he okay?”

Mark nodded.

“He’s fine. Just bad timing. I should have pre-warned you.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I didn’t mean to stress out.”

“It’s okay. Right, race-suit. Try again.”

Seb gave him a half-smile as he accepted the offered race-suit and started to step into it without rushing so much. Mark waited until Seb had it tied at the waist as he did before speaking again.

“Right sweetheart, try shaking it out.”

“The suit?” frowned Sebastian, looking to the floor.

“No,” smiled Mark. “You. Stretch your arms out and shake out all the weird stress. You’ll feel better.”

 

Sebastian did as suggested, though he felt a little strange doing it, somehow it did seem to work. There was a knock on the door.

“Seb, you in there?”

Britta's voice. Damn that did mean he was late seeing as she had been meant to meet him downstairs.

“Yep, come in.”

As the door opened Mark leaned in to give Sebastian a kiss and a half hug.

“Good luck. You’ll do great.”

“Thanks.” 

Seb looked to Teddy in his arms and Mark smiled.

“Think I’d better hang onto him, just to be safe.”

“Are you good to go Sebastian?” pressed Britta.

“Yep. Sorry.” Seb hurriedly kissed both Mark and Teddy’s cheeks. “Love you.”

“Love you too darling. We’ll be watching.”

 

Sebastian nodded. This felt rushed compared to their normal send-offs, but Britta was looking over and he knew he was running behind now. As he quickly walked down and crossed the paddock Seb looked to her.

“Do I smell?”

“What?”

“Teddy just vommed on me. That’s why I’m late, sorry.”

Britta put her hand over her mouth, hiding very badly the fact she was laughing.

“Oh dear,” she smiled.

As they entered the rear of the garage she leaned in and sniffed.

“I think you mostly just smell of baby.”

“Hmm. Oh well. Too late for a shower. I’ll just have to do.”

  


  


Back in his room Mark switched on the TV, then satisfied that Teddy really wasn’t about to throw up again, he placed him into his pram bassinet and began a proper clear up, opening the little window and dumping Seb’s dirty clothes into the shower to rinse them. He looked back through the open door from the tiny bathroom to see Teddy lying placidly where he’d put the bassinet on the floor.

“Yeah buddy-boy I think we need a chat about timing. Poor Papa.”

He switched the water flow off and found a way to hang up the race clothing on the switches so they could drip dry before being properly washed, then washed his own hands at the miniscule sink. Then  he came back through, checking Teddy again before making sure any wipes were in the bin and they were all clear.

“Right.” 

Mark dipped down and lifted Teddy out to go and sit on the bed so he could watch the television properly.

“Well there we are sweetheart, Papa’s in his car with plenty of time to spare. No harm done.”

Mark gave Teddy a smile, then looked back to the screen. Seb was talking with the mechanics. He wondered what they were saying seeing as the sound couldn't pick it up. Sebastian hadn’t had the best preparation for the race. Now he thought about it Mark wished he had been able to give him five minutes more talking things through, but it was too late now.

  
  


As Sebastian was belted in he saw Steve fail to hide scrunching his nose a little as he had to lean into the cockpit.

“Oh god. I do smell,” he sighed.

“Um.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Teddy threw up all over me about five minutes ago.”

“Ah, ha, whoops,” smiled Steve. He turned to a couple of the others. “Baby chucked up on him.”

“Oh dear that’s unfortunate,” sympathised Mike sounding not at all sympathetic.

“Hazards of being a parent,” noted another as all of them laughed.

Sebastian took a deep breath thinking he knew that. It was hardly the first time his son had sicked up some milk, but not like that and certainly not moments before he had to go racing. A hand patted onto his shoulder.

“Coulda been worse. Don’t you remember when Mark upchucked in his helmet mid-race one time?”

The others all laughed about that now and Seb managed a half smile. Poor Mark. That was definitely far worse. How on earth had he raced on after that? Dave came and ducked down by him.

“Little‘un alright?” he checked.

“Yeah it was just milk really.”

“You alright?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Worse things happen at sea. Right then. Those belts tight enough?”

“Yep.”

Steve gave his other arm a pat.

“My eldest puked on my suit mid-way through my sister's wedding, right there in church.”

“Oh no that’s awful.”

“Meh, they’d done the vows. Got me out of singing all those hymns and I had chance to check the footie scores while we stood outside sorting it out. So you know, win some, lose some.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Luckily Mikeala saw the funny side of it,” assured the mechanic. “Right then, you’re all set. Give’em hell mate.”

Sebastian nodded and as soon as he got the signal he flipped his visor shut and pulled out of the garage.

  


  


Mark settled back on the pillows, feet  up on the bed in front of him, Teddy in his lap tilted back into him, his father’s arms around the baby holding him in place. On television Ted Kravitz was hopping about excitedly in the pitlane, trying not to get run over while the cars went out.

“And there go both the RedBulls,” announced Ted, shouting over the noise of revving cars. “Sebastian seeming none the worse for his disastrous last race with his pretty decent p4 qualifying, though that was the same as he started in Russia and that didn’t end well.”

“Thanks for reminding us,” noted Mark darkly.

“Word has it his family are back with him in the paddock this weekend, although I haven’t seen any sign whilst on my wanderings.”

“No mate, that would be deliberate.”

“So I don’t know if that’s any indication of anything, but Seb himself seems in a pretty positive mood so you’d have to guess him having support here is a factor.”

 

Mark sighed. They hadn’t changed any plans and he supported Seb wherever he was. He leaned over to look at Teddy.

“Media mate, think they know when they don’t. Pay them no mind. Oh look, there’s your Uncle Fernando going past. Hmm, that engine sounds like a coin’s got into a washing machine. I think we might see his grumpy face again today.”

Mark pulled a little mock grumpy face to Teddy who smiled and reached up to paw it, making his father laugh. He distracted himself as much as possible in the run up, getting Teddy to wave whenever they caught sight of Seb and calling out ‘hello Papa’ when he waved at a camera during Martin's gridwalk before looking  _very_ busy with his engineers.

  


Before long the grid was clearing and the cars were setting off on their formation lap. Mark dipped to kiss the top of Teddy’s head.

“He’ll be fine mate. Nowt to worry about.”

Mark took in the deepest of breaths and let it out as slowly as possible. Seb was going to be fine. Mark really didn’t care where he finished as long as it was back in this room giving him a hug, preferably in approximately two hours time.

  


  


Sebastian pulled up in his grid-slot, working hard to put all thoughts of the last time he had been in this position entirely out of his mind. At least the Toro Rossos had had stinkers of qualifying and were half-way back. Not that Seb was wanting to feel too vindictive, but it was hard not to consider it a little bit of karma. He had to put all that aside though. Different place, different day, different race. Focus on the task in hand and nothing else. New opportunity to get it right this time.

As the lights went out Sebastian put his foot down as hard as he could, easing the clutch and shooting off as fast as possible to head with the rest down the long straight. It was the only way to do it, the only way he knew how and there was no room for thoughts of Mark, or their son, or the rest of his family anywhere in his fully occupied mind.

  


  


Mark breathed out, letting the tension drop from his body as Sebastian made it around the first sharp right turn without incident. He hadn’t made up any places, but he hadn’t lost any either and frankly Mark considered that more than good enough. Mark took another slow breath, then looked down to say something positive to Teddy only to see he was asleep. Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Seriously kiddo? You pick your moments.” 

Keeping one eye on the screen to make sure Seb was safe, Mark lifted Teddy up and rested him down in his pram bassinet before picking the whole thing up and putting it on the bed, turned to face him. Mark sat back down and arranged his legs to fit alongside it, Teddy closest to the wall, Mark’s long legs on the outside. As he settled himself back against the pillows Mark looked to see who was listing where on the information tower to the side of the screen to check where Seb was. Still fourth. They weren’t showing his car, but that was fine. It meant there was nothing much to show with him. Nothing exciting to show was absolutely fine by Mark today.

  


  


It was warm in the little room and though the action played out on the TV, the steady drone of the real engines in the distance drifted through the small open window along with air heated by the  strong mid-afternoon Spanish sun. While the race went on with relatively little incident, Mark realised he was in danger of taking a siesta along with his son. Seeing as they had developed something of a habit of doing this at home he didn’t think it was all that surprising, but Mark made himself sit up little more, worried he might miss something happening with Seb.

All the pitstops were in full flow so Mark concentrated a little more to try to properly understand who was where and most importantly, how Seb was faring. Having stopped for fresh tyres he had fallen back into the mix as far down as eighth. Mark puffed a breath. Some were on different strategies, some Sebastian would just have to overtake. It was easier said than done.

“C’mon sweetheart, you can do it,” encouraged Mark.

Sebastian managed to pull two passes to make it back to sixth place, but then he got stuck behind Perez in the Force India for what seemed an eternity until it finally pitted. Mark puffed another breath. Fifth. No easy overtakes with these new cars. Whilst stuck behind the Force India Seb had dodged this way and that, had tried going around the outside on turn four, but even with DRS he hadn’t managed to do more than pull alongside.

  


Sitting up a little Mark looked to see that Teddy was still sleeping. Maybe the warmth was soporific for him too? As the coverage changed to show a tussle towards the rear of the field Mark moved to lean over Teddy placing his fingers on the baby’s cheek to make sure he didn’t feel too warm. There was air-conditioning available in here, but Mark didn’t want to send jets of cold air flowing. Teddy was sleeping and seemed content. Mark stood and  shut the window seeing as it was letting in more warm air than fresh, then he flicked the  air-conditioning control panel down just one degree, deciding that would do.  Suddenly there was a cry from the television and Mark jumped as if volts had just shot through him.

“Oh and that looks nasty!”

He hurried over to look at the television, frantically peering in to see what had happened. Mark sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Not Seb. Thank god. He sat down beside Teddy and watched as the two drivers climbed out from their crashed cars spun into run-off at turn ten. Mark was relieved that they were alright and relieved also that he didn’t need to feel guilty he had been so glad it was drivers other than Sebastian who had been involved. As they replayed the crash Mark could see how Magnussen had clearly made a last ditch effort to get by his team-mate after failing to pass on the DRS straight resulting in both him and Grosjean colliding. 

Mark shook his head at the slo-motion shots of pieces of graphite coloured race cars catapulting in all directions and thought about how their families would feel if they were watching. Kevin’s father was a racer so he knew how these things went, but so did Mark and it was no easier when he had watched Seb crash. Mark didn’t like to think how Romain’s poor wife must feel. Hopefully their children were too young to understand just as Teddy hadn’t. Mark gently stroked his hand over Teddy’s sleeping form.

The drivers seemed okay, but he knew how hard it was to wait for confirmation of that fact. On rainy afternoons when Teddy was napping Seb sometimes looked through his books on the history of F1 and he liked to share stories with Mark about how things had been in the past. Mark hadn’t been quite so interested before, but he liked to make Seb happy by listening to him run on with such enthusiasm, bringing those black and white photographs to life. He always commented on how there was greater camaraderie amongst drivers back then and how the wives and girlfriends stuck together.

It was because of the danger involved, Mark understood the fear their loved ones had lived with. Perhaps there still ought to be some kind of support networking amongst drivers’ families? Mark was sure it had to affect them as it did him. No wonder most never gave interviews. Silent supporters on the sidelines, sometimes never even seen. Mark was one of them now.

He smiled down at Teddy as the safety car ran and the race slowed. Sebastian had just gone by, still in fifth but safely so.

“I don’t think I could pull off the headscarf and capri pants look kiddo,” joked Mark to his oblivious son, “Papa maybe, but not me.”

  


Despite the damaged cars being off to the side it still took quite some time to have them removed and for marshals to sweep the debris from the track where the accident had taken place. As Sebastian made lap after lap he couldn't help feeling as though his race was slipping away from him. If he had only left his pit-stop later he could have done it now and saved all that time under safety car. Damnit. He breathed slowly and leaned a little into the last corner as he rounded onto the start-finish straight. It wasn’t really necessary at this speed, but it helped him feel as if he was actually racing.

“Any idea how long?” he asked over the radio.

“Sorry no.”

Sebastian glanced at the pit-board hung over the side of the wall as he passed the RedBull garage. It was an old-fashioned method of communication, but Seb liked it perhaps for that reason. He’d had the radio break down before now and relied on that source of information, so it was good they kept it up, even if he really didn’t need telling that he held fifth.

  


It was five minutes, though it felt like thirty, before the race got going again. With only fifteen laps to go it really felt as though time was running out and as soon as the green flags were out Sebastian was pushing, but he just couldn’t seem to get by Kimi in fourth. He could feel his frustration building and Seb hated how snappy he sounded on the radio as he asked what more he could do to make things happen. It was even more annoying when he was informed of the gap to Daniel in third. Damnit, there went any hope of making the podium. The red car was acting like a road block, though Sebastian knew that if he couldn’t go any faster then defensive moves were the only option left to a driver. He certainly wouldn’t want to give up the spot if roles were reversed.

“Sebastian you have to make this move in the next couple of laps or pull back,” advised his engineer, “you’re running too close and your tyres...”

“Yeah, I know.” Sebastian paused, knowing he’d snapped again. “Sorry. Just… Just let me get on with it.”

He took a calming breath, already resolving to apologise properly to his engineer after the race.”

“Sure,” came the steady reply.

Sebastian focussed on making sure he was within the one second gap come the next DRS detection zone. Fortunately he knew race engineers were made of stern stuff and not easily offended or they wouldn’t do the job which required such clear thinking under pressure from all sides.

Going into the first DRS zone Sebastian flicked the rear wing down and pressed as hard as he could, but he ran out of straight before he had chance to make the pass and thinking of the mistake the Haas drivers had made so recently there, he backed off slightly. Seb had another chance only another few corners on and swung into the long start-finish straight knowing this was his best chance. He pressed the button as soon as he could and tried again, pushing pushing until he was in the slipstream of the car ahead, almost sucked forwards. Sebastian could feel the hot dirty air of Kimi’s exhaust flowing over him, sneaking inside his helmet  reeking of burnt oil and petrol. 

He had no time to think of that though as Kimi went to cover him to the inside, ready to take the right turn coming up ahead. Sebastian was left with no choice but to go left. He pulled alongside but hard as he pressed it wasn’t enough to get ahead. Seb wasn’t about to back out though. He slowed enough to take the bend, but he didn’t drop away. Instead he took the wider line, staying as close alongside the red car as he dared. The two cars ran in parallel, but then just as Sebastian anticipated, the next bend ran to the left and he had the advantage. 

He put his foot down the second the track straightened out in front of him, knowing that the vast long curve of T3 would be upon them before they knew it and if he didn’t take advantage of his slight lead them Kimi would take it back. He had to be ahead. There was no choice in the matter. Sebastian barely glanced sideways, but he knew he was edgeing further in front, further, further… Suddenly Sebastian was ahead and he slammed the door, jumping in front of Kimi to prevent him taking the inside around the curve and beginning to pull away leaving red in his mirrors.

  


Mark let out an uneven breath.

“Blimey. Well done darling.”

Sebastian was shown leaving the Ferrari in his wake now, his retaken fourth place looking secure enough for FOM to re-show the overtake instead. Mark could actually enjoy it this time.

He glanced down and saw that Teddy was awake.

“Hey kiddo. Guess what Papa just did?” 

Mark lifted Teddy out and gave him a kiss. The baby wiped blearily at sleepy eyes and Mark smiled at him.

“You had a nice sleep? Look, they’re playing it again just for you sweetheart.”

Mark held his son so he could watch the replay.

“Papa just had to hang it out there, so that’s what he did. Pretty impressive huh?”

Teddy burbled something so Mark nodded.

“Yeah, quite agree. He is awesome.”

Mark straightened Teddy’s little RedBull t-shirt, then looked back to the screen as the commentators remarked on how Sebastian seemed to be on a charge. He looked at the timing gap to Dan in third. Twenty-three seconds in little more than a dozen laps. If Seb had been in a different car perhaps it might be possible, but as those laps ticked down Mark could see it was hopeless. Even if Seb could get in touch could he really get past? Would the team be too thrilled at him risking a good result? Would they tell him to sit back and be a good boy? Mark huffed a little laugh thinking that hadn’t gone so well in the past.

  


  


In the end Sebastian was still three seconds behind with his team-mate only in sight, but way out of reach as they reached the chequered flag. He slowed the moment he passed the team waving through the pitwall, waving back even though he knew it was mostly for Dan’s podium.

“I did all I could to pull it back,” he reported over the radio. “Sorry. Lost too much time behind Kimi.”

“One more lap,” commented his engineer. 

Seb huffed a wry laugh to himself. The race was the race. You didn’t get extra laps tagged on.

“You did get fastest lap just then,” his engineer noted.

“Thanks.”

Ah well, thought Seb, the team couldn't fault him for not trying. Fourth from fourth. He’d had worse races.

  


  


Mark huffed out a long breath and looked to Teddy lying in the crook of his arm.

“Well that was alright wasn’t it mate? We’ll tell Papa well done when he gets back. Few interviews yet so he might be a while. You fancy a bottle, a coffee, three-course meal?”

He laughed at his own joke and was rewarded by Teddy smiling at him. Mark knew it wasn’t really because he thought his father was funny, more that his son echoed his facial expression.

“Good boy. Come on then, let’s nip down while everyone’s busy watching the podium ceremony and get back in time to catch Papa talking after.”

  


  


  


It was twenty minutes before Sebastian finally got back to his room. Mark had had time to feed Teddy, drunk his own coffee and eaten a sandwich seeing as he felt the hunger he hadn’t before the race. Now he had his hands free Mark sat playing with Teddy on the bed, holding the toy dinosaur to entertain Teddy as he peeka-boo’d from behind it, amusing himself with the look of bemusement on his son’s face as his father kept disappearing and reappearing again until Teddy managed to grab a hold of the toy and Mark gave it up.

“Ah, not mine is it mate? Teddy’s Dino.”

Mark let him hang onto it as Teddy wiggled about, keeping his left hand just to the side of him to make sure the baby couldn't roll off the bed. As he did so Mark reflected that this was going to a darn sight harder task once Teddy got more mobile. He wasn’t quite sure how they were going to manage this when they had a toddler running about.

“Be tearing the place up won’t you kiddo?”

He heard a sound and turned around to see Sebastian walking in race-suit tied at the waist as it had been when he left, but with the sleeves of his underwear top pushed up and looking distinctly warm. Mark stood and lifted Teddy with him, the toy falling from his little hand onto the floor.

“Hey sweetheart, well done!”

Seb put down the drink he was still swigging from and smiled.

“Thanks.”

Mark leaned in to give Sebastian a kiss, keeping Teddy held to the side.

“Ah a want to give you the biggest hug,” declared Mark.

“I’m all sweaty.”

“I don’t care.”

Seb looked at Teddy and gave him a little kiss too.

“Fair warning sweetheart he’s just had another bottle,” Mark alerted him.

“Ah.”

“Oh and speaking of which, your stuff is still in the shower.”

“Right, thanks.”

“Hang on.” Mark put Teddy down in the pram bassinet. “One second kiddo.”

He turned back to Sebastian and swept him into a bear hug making him laugh.

“Liebling I don’t even want to think what I smell like now.”

Mark chuckled.

“Meh.” He kissed him again. “That pass towards the end. That was one earned overtake.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“If I could just have made it earlier. There was just no way to make the podium that late.”

“You made it when you could make it. That’s how it goes sometimes. You did great to get fourth. And fastest lap, that’s not bad going.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You noticed that.”

“Oh yeah. Was that just for fun or..?”

“Hm, I just… I didn’t want to stop racing until the race was run, you know?”

“Sure. Never know what could happen. Gotta be in position to capitalise.”

“Exactly.”

Sebastian nodded then let out a laugh.

“This is so nice to do. Like we used to. In person, you know?”

“Yeah.”

Seb reached up to give Mark another kiss.

“Over the phone you wouldn't be able to smell me though. I really do need to shower Liebling. I’ll be two minutes.”

“Righto.”

  


By the time Seb came out, feeling considerably better now he was refreshed  and changed now into shorts and t-shirt, it was to find Mark now sat on the floor, his back up against the side of the bed with Teddy lying into his propped up knees facing him as Mark demonstrated with his hands how an overtaking  move was pulled,  holding them flat as if each one was a race-car .

“So Papa went; whooosh, right round the outside of the red car and left him for dust. Bye-bye Kimi.”

Seb leaned into the bathroom doorway watching as Mark looked right into their son’s eyes,  the two  entirely engaged with each other. He went over and sat beside them on the floor.

“Hey.”

Mark turned to him.

“Hey. That better?”

“God yeah. I’ve been needing that shower for two hours. You wanna know what baby-sick plus sweat smells like inside a cockpit after two hours racing under a hot Spanish sun?”

“Not really darling.”

“I couldn't recommend it Liebling.”

Mark chuckled and kissed Seb’s cheek.

“You smell pretty good now.”

“Thanks. And thanks for everything this weekend. I’m sorry about before the race. I was getting a bit stressed.”

“Nah. Me too sweetheart. You did great today.”

“Did I sound snotty on the radio?”

“You sounded under-pressure, which you were. You’re not a robot. You wouldn’t be the racing driver you are without passion.”

Sebastian smiled. Trust Mark to turn it into a positive.

“Thank you Liebling. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“You gotta rush off?”

“I’ve got a bit of time.”

“Good.” Mark smiled to Teddy. “Papa’s gonna stay to play a while.” He raised up both of Teddy’s arms to cheer, putting on a higher voice. “Yeay Papa!”

 

“Oh by the way, I found Christian’s note,” stated Mark letting go of Teddy to pick up the piece of paper beside him. He showed it to Sebastian:

_A little something for my godson. Our youngest team-member. Hope you enjoy the race today Teddy._

_All the best, Uncle Christian._

“Ah well that was nice of him,” smiled Seb.

“I think he rather enjoys being Uncle Christian,” Mark noted.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Better not tell Fabe, he’ll be jealous.”

Mark chubbed Teddy’s cheek.

“Winning on the uncle front aren’t you kiddo? Think you’ll do well on your birthdays.”

They both looked at their son now repeating the action Mark had encouraged him to do, jerking his arms up and down and smiling to them.

 

Sebastian smiled back, then took in a deep breath feeling a little emotional.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” he repeated. “It means so much Liebling.”

“Means a lot to us as well,” assured Mark, turning his head. “Do you know how proud of you we are?”

They stared into one another's eyes for a moment, then Mark looked back to Teddy.

“So proud of Papa aren’t we Teddy?”

“Thank you.” Sebastian rested more into Mark’s side and rested his head against Mark’s. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Mark rested his head back against Seb’s as Seb reached to take one of Teddy’s hands to dance it about in front of him. He didn’t want to look at his watch. Britta could come find him.

 

 

* * *

 


	224. Monaco Baby - pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And before RL catches up with us, we reach Monaco. As we are in AU, Jenson of course is not racing to fill in for Alonso here.

* * *

 

  


Now that they were into the European leg of the F1 season Sebastian felt some of the stress lifting from his shoulders. It was such a relief not to have to consider their time at home together as snatched, with another painful parting creeping up on them. It helped that the weather was good while they were home during the ten day break as well, with temperatures more like high summer than late May.

With Teddy getting on for five months old now he felt rather sturdier and Seb particularly enjoyed the opportunity to spend time out in the garden playing with him, getting to really be a family all together, seeing how their son could do so much more now. It was good to get out to do proper runs each morning as well without worrying quite so much about him getting disturbed in his jogging pram or being concerned he might get cold. His parents especially appreciated getting more sleep. Sebastian was sure it helped with his training that he felt more alert and it was nice that their son could join them for swimming sessions or in the gym, Teddy getting his own little work-out as he amused himself in his bouncer while he supervised Seb and Mark working on their fitness.

  


  


By the time they headed out to Monaco, they were both feeling considerably more positive than they had going to Barcelona, even though Mark was aware that Seb was going to be kept busy by the team who had a lot of hay to make at the most prestigious race of the year.

“It’s fine anyway,” commented Mark as Seb ran through his schedule with him once again as they sat on their plane, Teddy having finally subsided after howling through take-off, “not like there isn’t plenty of space to hang out on the floater-home and we’re seeing JB and Jess too, so I’m sure we’ll be right.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I broke you.”

“Hm?” frowned Mark.

“Floater-home. You call it that now.”

“Oh.” Mark smiled and shook his head. “Bad influence. Anyway sweetheart, you don’t worry about us, you just get on with work and Teddy and I will see you whenever you’re free.”

Sebastian nodded. He was a little concerned about how busy it was going to be, but Mark was usually good at finding quiet enough spots to take their son and he knew Britta would remain vigilant about any media trying to pry. It did help to know that Monegasque laws regarding paparazzi were so notoriously tough that any photographers would be restricted to those permitted in the paddock or at official occasions. He looked in at Teddy in Mark’s arms, thinking as always how it was him, not them that mattered.

“He’s asleep Liebling.”

“Oh.” Mark smiled. “Finally. Just in time to wake up again and bawl through landing.”

Seb gave a little shake of his head. It was a shorter flight, but not _that_ short. They still had nearly an hour before they reached Nice by his reckoning. He scooped the baby out of Mark’s arms to carefully place him in the flight cot, clipping the straps around Teddy without disturbing him. He sat back down with a huff of air, then smiled as Mark put his arm around him.

“All gonna be fine darling. I have a good feeling about this weekend.”

“A good feeling?”

“Yep.”

“Okay Liebling if you say so. I hope you’re right.”

Sebastian relaxed into leaning into Mark. Just a little spell of peace before the chaos ensued.

  


  


Settling into their hotel that evening, Mark wandered over to the living area of their room as Seb changed Teddy’s nappy, thinking they had dodged a bullet avoiding having to do that on the plane. He opened up a window and looked outside at the view down towards the harbour.

“Looking busy out there already,” Mark observed, then turned back to look where Seb knelt on the floor doing up Teddy’s night babygro. “You need a hand?”

“I’m done.”

Sebastian lifted Teddy up and stood with him, coming to join Mark at the window.

“We’re gonna be okay this weekend aren’t we Liebling?”

“Course.”

“With so many people around?”

Mark put his arm around Seb.

“We’ll be fine. We’ll get there early, leave when folk have gone back to change before their night out. One thing you can say for the floater-home is that you get a good view of the place, so that’s a help isn’t it?”

“Yeah guess so.”

“So nothing to worry about.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a reassuring smile and kissed his cheek then looked in at their son lying into Seb’s shoulder.

“He’s starting to look tired. We should see if he wants his bottle before he drops off.”

Sebastian nodded, knowing that gave them a better chance of their son sleeping longer if he wasn’t hungry. Mark stroked over Teddy’s head.

“Hope you don’t get seasick kiddo.”

Seb opened his mouth, but Mark shook his head.

“I’m kidding. You hardly feel it on the barge. He’ll be fine.”

“Yeah okay.”

“What time did Britta want you in the morning?”

“Ten. I’ve got quite a bit of PR stuff as well as prep tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

Mark nodded, knowing how it was in Monaco, even from the Wednesday. In past years he had offered to do some PR work for RedBull himself, but that wasn’t really do-able now he had Teddy to look after, particularly when they wanted to keep their son as far from the media as possible which wasn’t going to be easy here when there was so much interest in this race. They would just have to do their best to keep work and family as separate as possible, which was doubtless going to be a little tricky when they were in the same place.

“Come on then,” he encouraged. “Let’s get that bottle then see if he’ll go down.”

  


 

  


 

The following morning Sebastian left with Britta, Mark remaining behind seeing as he was going to be spending more than enough time at the RedBull base over the next few days. Instead he took Teddy down for a swim in the hotel pool for a while, then when the baby tired of that, Mark went back up to their room to put him in a fresh outfit. After an early lunch he put Teddy in his pram, fixed on the sun-shade and headed out, not downhill to the harbour, but inland to reach his friends’ apartment just a few minutes walk away.

Jenson smiled to see Mark stood with the pram in the hallway as he opened the door to let him in.

“Hello mate, you found us alright this time.”

“Ha, yeah Jess furnished us with proper directions,” laughed Mark. “Hi Jess.”

“Hello,” beamed Jessica, already leaning in to see Teddy. “Oh look how he’s grown.”

“Time flies.”

“What’s this?” frowned JB, plucking at the gauzy material draped over the end of the pram now that Mark had pulled it off in the lift.

“Shade for the pram.”

“Ah okay, yeah looks nice out.”

“Another day in paradise.”

“Ha, just so. Come on in. What can we do for you, drink, bottle warming?”

 

Mark set the pram by the door by the back wall and lifted Teddy out.

“We’re good for now thanks.” He smiled in at the baby. “Remember your Auntie Jess and Uncle Jenson?”

Teddy turned his head to the side and looked out, blinking those blue eyes as their hosts smiled at him.

“Guess not,” laughed Jenson. “Come and take a load off.”

Mark sat on the sofa, setting Teddy on his knee and making sure he was happy before looking to the others. Jess took the place next to him and stroked over Teddy’s head.

“So lovely.”

“Ah he’s in a good mood today. Didn’t like the flight much.”

“No, Seb said.”

Mark huffed a laugh at his other half texting updates before he saw them.

“Is he off working then?” checked JB.

“Yep, hard at it,” Mark confirmed. “You know what it’s like here.”

“Sure do. And what about you mate, still enjoying being a full-time dad?”

“Course.” Mark smiled down at his son and gently stroked a knuckle over his cheek. “All worth it.”

Jenson nodded. He still found it hard to imagine doing anything like it himself, but Mark certainly seemed to find it second nature now.

“Of course it is,” agreed Jessica. “Seb sent me some photos of you all having some fun in the garden last week.”

“Ha, yeah we had some good weather.”

“Looking good until the weekend here,” noted Jenson.

“Mm,” concurred Mark. “Bit dodgy after that though.”

Jenson nodded, unsurprised that Mark would have checked that.

“Well it can change here as you know. Anyway we’re looking good for Friday if you’re still up for that?”

“Absolutely. Seb’s got to do a bit of work in the evening, but for the afternoon we’re good.”

“Oh he has to work?”

“Just a bit of PR gubbins. Hopefully only an hour or so.”

“We were going to ask you to dinner as well,” commented Jess.

“Ah, well...”

“You could still come?”

“Um, I’ll check with Seb if that’s okay? I’m not sure on the timings.”

“Of course. Well, the offer’s open. We don’t want you sitting around on your own in your hotel room.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Kinda used to that by now, but it’s very kind of you. You’re gonna come hang out on the barge at the weekend aren’t you?”

“Prime location for the race,” smiled Jenson. “Try and stop us.”

“We’re looking forward to it,” Jess added.

“Great. I’ll be glad of the company. To be honest I spend a lot of my time in RedBull hospitality talking to Teddy and I think the staff are starting to worry about me.”

Jess smiled and shook her head.

“You’ve got a good daddy,” she informed Teddy.

“Want a hold?”

“Thanks.”

Mark passed Teddy over and while Jessica fussed over the baby, Jenson stood.

“Sure you don’t want a drink mate? I could do with one.”

“Oh go on then, just a water.”

“Living on the edge. Jessy?”

“Same please.”

 

Jenson shook his head and went to make himself a coffee while grabbing a couple of bottles of water from the fridge. As he handed one to Mark, he got a nod back.

“Cheers mate. To be honest I drink that much coffee over a race weekend I’m trying to cut back beforehand.”

“Sure.”

Mark looked to Jess.

“Seb said to say he’s got your passes from Britta and to remind him to give them to you on Friday.”

“Ah okay, thanks.”

Jenson sat back down to the side with his coffee and looked over.

“So then, how was Barcelona?”

Mark took a sip of water then began filling them in, glad that with friends he trusted he didn’t have to be anything other than honest. He sat back on the sofa thinking it was only a shame that Seb couldn't be here with them.

  


  


Sebastian was thinking much the same. It always felt more hectic here in Monaco. There was a buzz about the place that seemed to pervade the entire principality for the race here. He imagined that would be fun if you were merely a fan visiting, but as a driver there was a lot of extra weight placed upon you as teams required sponsors to be charmed, PR opportunities to be maximised and media to be satisfied, never mind all the effort that went into racing around these narrow winding streets. Seb found himself relieved when all he had to do was actually work on his preparation for driving and looked forward to getting into the car more than ever, if only to escape all the rest.

Seeing as they had agreed that there wasn’t a lot of point Mark bringing Teddy down only to hang out at the RedBull base all day. Sebastian had asked Britta to minimise his breaks so he could get through things as fast as possible, so by half five he thought he was doing well to be back in the little temporary pit garage, doing a last look over the car with his guys. Britta was at the entrance, speaking with Christian so Sebastian checked there was nothing else he needed to go over on the car, then excused himself to go over.

 

“Sebi, all set for tomorrow then?” smiled his boss.

“Yeah think so. We’re looking good I reckon.”

Christian’s cheeks twitched with a repressed laugh at hearing a phrase he knew was Mark’s.

“Absolutely,” he nodded. “We’ll see tomorrow morning I suppose.”

“Mm.” Seb looked to Britta. “Um, is there anything else?”

Britta smiled at him, knowing that was Seb hoping to be released.

“No I think we’ve covered everything. Are you heading back to the barge?”

“Oh I brought my bag.”

She laughed and shook her head. He really did want a quick exit.

“Shall I walk back with you?” Britta checked.

“Haven’t you still got things to do?” presumed Seb.

“Ah, well yes I suppose I do, but I can go back again.”

“Oh no don’t be silly Britta, I can walk back on my own. You get on. Christian, I’ll see you in the morning.”

They exchanged farewells, then Seb went to grab his bag and with a goodbye to those in the garage he made his escape before anything else was found for him to do.

  


As he walked back in the direction of his hotel Sebastian pulled his cap low and put his sunglasses on, hoping he might be mistaken for a fan despite the team kit he wore. There were plenty of others in town wearing RedBull tops teamed with shorts and trainers so he kept his pace up and avoided looking too much at those he passed. Despite it only being Wednesday, which due to the curious arrangement in the Monaco was the equivalent of the Thursday on a normal Grand Prix, with no action on track for anyone to watch, Sebastian could see how the whole place was filling up. The grandstands stood empty for now, so everywhere people milled about, sight-seeing and killing time amusing themselves.

The further he went, the more Seb realised that this had been a mistake. He could feel eyes on him and despite trying to avoid looking, he knew phones were being pointed in his direction and pictures were being taken. He glanced up at a group to the side, seeing them whispering as they looked over and Sebastian knew they were about to pounce to ask for pictures and autographs. It felt a bit mean seeing as they were harmless fan requests, but he wasn’t in the mood. Thankfully he was walking on the inside from the harbour and spying a side road he quickly cut uphill, not looking back as Seb hurried his pace to go via the back roads back to his hotel.

After a couple of blocks however, Sebastian realised that he wasn’t exactly sure where he was. It struck him that it would seem a hilarious story for an F1 driver to get lost in Monaco, but it didn’t actually seem funny right now. All these tall apartment blocks looked the same and though he pulled out his phone to try to use the maps function, he couldn't tell which way it was trying to send him. All these narrow streets were like a maze and Sebastian was starting to feel a little anxious even though he knew it was ridiculous. Every time he walked a few yards he looked down at his phone and it seemed to have the arrow turning around again. Sebastian sighed thinking sometimes technology was worse than useless.

He took a deep breath telling himself to calm down and fitted his phone away, then walked to the end of the road where there was a junction. From here he could see the water of the harbour to his left and as the gradient continued upwards Sebastian knew he couldn't be going too far wrong. He just had to keep going. Then after another one hundred yards the road opened out into a small square and Seb could at last see his hotel in the distance. He breathed a little sigh of relief and went on his way.

As he got closer though Sebastian’s spirits dipped again as he saw a gathering of fans hanging around the hotel entrance. He knew it was to be expected, but all Seb could think about was Teddy and how they were going to protect him from all this attention. He kept his pace up and with a quick apology, shot past the fans to get inside the front entrance, only pausing when he was by the lift and out of sight. Sebastian puffed a long breath and pulled out his phone to ring Britta, knowing he needed her help.

  


 

A few minutes later Sebastian let himself into their hotel room to find Mark sat on the sofa in the lounge area, Teddy lying beside him as his father entertained him.

“Oh hey sweetheart. You’re back a bit early,” smiled Mark in greeting.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah.”

Mark frowned as Sebastian came to sit with them, instantly reading that things weren’t right.

“What’s wrong?”

 

Seb sighed, then explained about the fans he had just encountered hanging around in front. As he did so he picked Teddy up from where he lay on the sofa between them and held him close, worry plain on his face. Mark shifted up into the gap and put his arm around him.

“Well we knew it would be busy,” he offered.

“I know Liebling, but I just felt really uncomfortable. Were they in front when you got back?”

“A few. It was okay earlier but it sounds like their numbers have swelled even more in the meantime. I just marched on in. Might have seemed a bit rude, but I didn’t really care.”

“Did you have the sun-cover on the pram?”

“Course.”

“Okay. Britta suggested arranging the barge’s water taxi to take us in the morning.”

“Ah okay.”

“Do you think it’ll be safe for Teddy?”

“Darling we’ll hold on tight to him. I’m sure they’ll have a safety vest for kids.”

“He’s tiny though.”

“Well… Look, if Britta's sorting it, drop her a text and mention it. She’s very resourceful.”

“Mm.”

Mark rubbed over his arm.

“Where you hassled?”

“No just… I don’t know Liebling. It just bothered me. I know it gets hectic here and of course I expected it to be busy and for the fans to be everywhere, but…”

“Teddy.”

“Yeah. I just don’t think I’ve ever looked at this place with the same eyes before. It felt like there were so many people looking at me as I came back here.”

“Okay. Was it just fans or media too?”

“There was media around the paddock and the pits. I mean that’s fine I guess. It was on the way back too I guess. I just felt a bit hounded.”

“Oh sweetheart.” Mark pulled him in a bit and kissed his cheek. “I don’t suppose the team kit helped.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I know. That was stupid of me.”

“No sweetheart.”

“I just wanted to rush back. I didn’t think and then I just...” Sebastian sighed heavily. “I’m being silly letting it bother me.”

Mark shook his head and gave him a squeeze in.

“No darling. If it bothers you it bothers you.”

“I just worry about Teddy. It’s not the same as at a circuit. They’re everywhere here.”

Mark puffed a breath. It seemed they were getting another reality check.

“Mm, okay well I think asking Britta is wise. Do you know where the water-taxi goes from?”

“Not really. I think anywhere they want it to where it can pick up and then it goes round the back of the barge.”

“Right, so that bit works, we’ll be nicely out of sight from the paddock there.”

“Mm, I guess.”

“Britta will be sorting it.”  


Sebastian nodded. Thank god he had Britta. He should have waited and come back with her. It was his own fault for being impatient and he didn’t know if it stupid of him not to have thought all this through in advance, but Seb had really only envisaged setting off early to walk in with Mark, the shade covering the pram in case anyone was about, but that felt incredibly naïve now.

“She said she’d ring back, but you’re right, I should text about the safety vest.”

“Sure.”  


Mark took Teddy back as Sebastian sent his message. Moments later his phone rang and Sebastian stood to take the call, pacing about distractedly, plainly talking to her. Mark looked in at Teddy and gave him a reassuring smile.

“All be sorted kiddo, don’t fret.”

Sebastian ended his call and turned to come and sit back down.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah she says she’s arranging for the water-taxi to collect us from the nearest jetty which she thinks shouldn’t be far seeing as we’re only about hundred yards from the water here.”

“Good point.”

“And she said she’ll make sure there’s a vest for Teddy.”

“Never doubt Britta.”

Sebastian managed a smile.

“Sorry Liebling. I just got a stress on.”

“It’s alright.”

 

They looked at one another and Seb took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. Mark sat Teddy on his knee and rubbed Seb’s leg.

“Don’t stress darling. We’ll manage this.”

“She’s going to call in to see us so we know it’s all sorted.”

“There we go then.” Mark smiled at Teddy trying to raise the mood. “Be an adventure won’t it mate?”

“I just want to keep him safe.”

“I know.”

“You didn’t have any trouble?” Seb checked.

“Other than a few of them at the door. We left fairly early and JB and Jess’s place is pretty out of the way.”

“Oh I guess so.”

“Could be the weather? Sunny now, everyone’s out with not much to do.”

“Mm. Won’t it be only getting busier though?”

Mark gave a tip of his head, unable to deny that.

“We’ll work it out, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Right. You take him. I’m gonna make us a nice calming cup of tea and when Britta gets here we’ll have it all planned and there’ll be nothing to worry about, yeah?”

“Yeah. Thank you Liebling.”

 

Seb took the baby back and gave him a cuddle and a kiss while Mark went to the unit at the side of the lounge area where they had the bottle machine set up along with the kettle and all the usual hotel facilities as well as a fridge and an as yet opened mini-bar. He huffed a little laugh and looked to Teddy.

“Don’t think I’ve got that bad yet.”

“Huh?” asked Mark.

“Nothing.”

A minute later Seb accepted the cup of tea and took a sip.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“No problem.”

 

Sebastian gave him a wry smile. It seemed a bit silly to have felt so panicky now. If he’d not been thinking of their son Seb was sure he would have simply stopped to give the fans a few minutes at the door and moved on. He still felt a bit anxious about tomorrow, but Mark always calmed him and made everything seem much more reasonable by being practical and Britta was surely bound to fix it like she always did. He took another sip of tea.

“I nearly got lost as well,” he confessed, realising he hadn’t even told Mark that part of the story.

Mark smiled.

“Lost?”

“I tried taking the back roads to keep away from the harbour but I didn’t know where I really was.”

“Well I’m just grateful you got back to us.”

“Me too.” Seb drank more tea, then shrugged “I guess that didn’t help,” he admitted. “I got a bit...”

He shrugged again finding it hard to express how he felt when it seemed so pathetic in retrospect. Like he was a child who couldn't go anywhere without an adult to hold their hand crossing the road. Mark looked at him, interpreting Seb’s shrug.

“This place is a warren,” he sympathised. “Remember how lost we got last year just trying to find Jense and Jess’s place?”

“Yeah. You were okay this time though.”

“Only second time of asking. Everything’s so crammed together. No way I could live here. It’d do my head in.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“I like our nice open spaces at home Liebling.”

“Yeah me too.”

“So, um, how were JB and Jess?”

Mark sipped his own tea and gave Seb a smile, knowing this was him normalising himself. He didn’t like seeing Sebastian’s anxiety rising to the surface, particularly on a race weekend, so Mark filled the time with light-hearted stories from their friends pushing everything else to one side for a while.

  


  


It was nearly an hour before Britta knocked on their door, apologising for taking so long before launching into her arrangements.

“So, the water-taxi boat will meet us at the jetty at the end of the road. I just went down to look now and there’s a slope to reach it from the road, and I spoke to the boatman back at the barge and he says the pram will go on if you want to take it.”

“Oh okay. I didn’t think of that,” realised Seb. “Thanks.”

“You’ll have to fold it up and take the baby out, but he can stow it. Also someone’s sourcing a safety vest for Teddy, so that will be fine. I said three to six months. That should be alright shouldn’t it?”

“Oh, yeah thanks. Where is it coming from?”

“To be honest I didn’t ask, but it’s one of our team fixers finding one for me so I’m assured it will be on the boat when it meets us. Do you want me to text you when they confirm?”

Sebastian knew he should just trust it would be fine, but he nodded.

“I’ll do that then,” agreed Britta. “Should be imminent. Okay, so I’ll meet you here and I spoke to the hotel so we can use their staff entrance round the back. We still have to go down the main road here to reach the jetty, but that’s the best I could do.”

“Thank you. Really Britta we appreciate it.”

“Absolutely,” concurred Mark.

“How early do you want to go?” Britta enquired.

Sebastian looked to Mark who shrugged.

“As early as you like sweetheart. We can get breakfast on the barge. I’ll make sure we have all Teddy’s stuff ready tonight so we’re good to go.”

Sebastian thought about it. FP1 started at ten am. Eight ought to be more than plenty.

“Half seven?” he suggested. “Is that too early?”

“Whenever you like,” assured Britta. It’s not like I won’t be up.”

Mark looked to Seb.

“Why don’t we just call it seven and have done? Then we can get there, set up camp and have a nice relaxed breakfast on the floater-home together.”

“Britta?” checked Seb.

“Fine. Give me time for breakfast too.”

“You’re welcome to join us.”

Britta laughed.

“Very kind, but I’ll no doubt be working through it. Now, just to head off any other concerns, any media permitted onto the barge have been specifically instructed that they are to go nowhere near you when you have the baby and they all already know the score with taking pictures.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ve made sure that the extras from outside the paddock press have that emphasised as well, on pain of having their passes revoked.”

“Very reassuring, thank you Britta,” added Mark.

“Just laying out the rules from the start. They know it’s a privilege to be granted access on there, so I don’t think anyone would risk that. In addition to which guests to our hospitality will be given a little subtle advice about the use of cameras onboard and I’ve briefed the staff to remind them if they spot any transgressors.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“You run a tight ship.”

“Mm, quite. But it’s better to head things off. Seb, I’m sorry, I should have walked back with you this afternoon.”

“Oh no that was my fault,” insisted Seb. “I just didn’t think and I guess… I don’t know. I’m seeing the place with new eyes now.”

“We worry about stuff we once never thought twice about these days don’t we sweetheart,” supported Mark.

Britta nodded.

“Well you’re still likely to get some attention, but we’re doing all we can. I should have suggested the boat-taxi in the first place.”

Sebastian shook his head. If it weren’t so busy here he wouldn't have thought about taking their son on a boat, but it was the lesser of two evils. He’d just have to hang on tight to him.

  


 

 

  


Early the next morning they were up, dressed and busily gathering everything they might need for the day when Britta knocked on the door at ten to seven. She wasn’t wearing team kit as Seb wasn’t. Instead a bag over her shoulder contained it, just as Seb had folded his own away in one of the many bags they had stuffed underneath the pram.

“Okay, so the boat is already there waiting, I’ve double-checked they have the baby safety vest and there’s plenty of room seeing as it’s only us,” she announced.

“Oh that’s great. Thanks,” nodded Seb.

“You been down to see already?” asked Mark.

“I thought it best. It’s only a couple of minutes walk from here.”

“Good.”

“Um, there are people in front already though.”

“In front of the hotel?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian looked to Mark. Already there before seven am?

“Keen,” noted Mark as lightly as he could.

“It’ll be fine,” assured Britta. “Rear exit, then just straight down to the jetty. Plain sailing from there.”

“Literally.”

“Indeed. Right, sooner we go the better.”

 

Sebastian nodded. He pulled on a plain cap, as did Mark. Both of them had sunglasses ready to put on to go with their incognito t-shirts and shorts, hoodies tucked away for if it was colder on the boat. Sebastian placed Teddy into the pram, then with a glance to Mark fitted on his sound cancelling headphones over his little sunhat.

“Very stylish,” commented Mark.

“In case anyone shouts.”

“Sure. Right, you got the sunshadey-ma-wotsit? Hang tight in there buddy. We’re going on our trip.”

Mark smiled in as Teddy frowned, pawing at the ear-protectors he didn’t appreciate being put on him. Mark rubbed over his tummy, then he and Seb carefully fixed the sun-shade onto the raised pram hood. Britta nodded.

“Looks good. Let’s get on then.”

  


They went down in the lift, heading away from the main lobby towards the rear of the hotel. Britta held open a door marked ‘Staff Only’ and they left the opulent décor of mirrors and intricate plaster coving for a plain white corridor, paint scuffed by years of passing trolleys and with a worn parquet floor leading to a far door. They continued beyond another open doorway to the side into what looked like a staffroom, passing on to reach the back door to the hotel. Mark gave Seb a smile and nodded to a piece of machinery attached to the wall.

“Shall we clock out?”

“Hm?”

“It’s for the staff on duty. Never mind. Right, here goes. Do you want to push?”

Sebastian nodded, so as Britta held the exit door wide enough for them to bump the pram over the slight step, he took over holding the pram handle. They paused in the alleyway for a moment, setting themselves up with caps pulled low and sunglasses on, then took a deep breath to go around the side of the hotel, past the unglamorous dumpsters and abandoned hotel equipment, then round out onto the road.

They crossed over it onto the far pavement, Seb pushing the pram, Britta walking a little in front with the pram to her inside, Mark behind her next to Seb. The sun was bright already despite the early hour, the sky blue and cloudless above. At first it seemed peaceful and quiet, but then they came level with the front of the hotel and within a few seconds they were spotted.

 

They picked up their step, none of them directly looking over to the group of around twenty fans, now hurrying over from doorstepping the hotel entrance, calling out in different languages. Sebastian could feel his heart-rate rocketing as he heard his name as well as Mark’s called. He wanted to run, but he knew that was a bad idea. Then a stroke of luck occurred as a couple of cars passed along the road, blocking the fans from crossing to their side and by the time they passed there was only another fifty yards to the jetty path already in sight ahead down the road. Britta looked to them.

“Go on ahead. Don’t look back. Don’t say anything. I’ll be right behind you.”

Mark placed his hand over Seb’s nearest on the pram handle and they walked as quickly as they could, not turning their heads to see Britta step right out into the middle of the road behind them, straight into the path of the group pursuing them. She held up her hand and used her firmest voice.

“No. Okay guys. Sorry, but no. This is not the time.”

She was almost surprised at how suddenly the group stopped and Britta knew standing in the road was absolutely not the place to have this discussion. To the side she saw a girl of perhaps seventeen with her phone up, looking as though she might be about to run after the family. Britta fixed her with her most headmistress-like glare.

“No. It’s not appropriate.”

She repeated it in French, then German and Italian for good measure. There was a babble of appeals and Britta made a show of listening to encourage the group to stay where they were as Seb and Mark had time to get away. Britta was already resolving to bring back a box of RedBull freebies and signed postcards to appease them. There really was nothing to stop them chasing their targets all the way to the boat seeing as all that stopped them was a sign saying _privé_ on the unlocked little gate at the path entrance down to the jetty. Britta glanced to her side down the road and was relieved to see no sign of her charges.

“Okay guys. I’ll see what I can do going forwards, but you just need to respect their privacy a bit. Thanks.”

 

Without further ado Britta turned on her heel and rapidly marched downhill towards the waterfront. She knew the hotel weren’t thrilled about having fans camped out, but when they were on public pavements they were loathe to call the police to move them on unless they had to. Britta didn’t much want to attract any bad publicity and she knew the hotel wouldn't allow anyone who wasn’t a guest inside, so she would just have to manage this as best she could.

Reaching the footpath down to the private jetty, Britta noted that the gate had been shut behind them and was glad of the indication that they were thinking clearly. She headed down the sloping path, now seeing the Seb and Mark on the jetty below with the boatman who was busily taking their bags to stow away.

“Hey.”

The pair turned as she reached them.

“Oh Britta,” exclaimed Seb. “That was awful. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. I just set them straight.”

“They aren’t following are they?” asked Mark looking up to the gate from the road.

All three of them looked up, but there was no indication of anyone beyond the slope, despite it being fairly obvious where they had gone.

“There’s other drivers staying where you are,” noted Britta. “They’ve probably gone back to wait for them coming out.”

Britta very nearly used the phrase ‘to stalk them’, but she stopped herself just in time.

 

“Good. Right, thank you Britta.”

“Yes thanks Britta.” Seb puffed a breath. “Do you think they got pictures?”

“If they did it was of the back of you walking away.”

“Hm.”

“We were blocking the pram,” noted Mark. “And the cover’s on.”

Sebastian nodded. They couldn’t really have got anything surely?

The boatman spoke to Britta in French, taking her bag and handing her a baby-sized bright orange safety vest.

“Here you go. He says you pull the cords to tighten it.”

Sebastian nodded, having just about grasped that with his rudimentary French himself. He looked the item over and opening the zip at the front as Mark undid the shade to access Teddy who was looking up wondering what was going on.

“Hey sweetheart,” smiled Mark as he lowered the pram hood. “Let’s try this for size.”

Teddy couldn't hear him with his headphones on and as Mark lifted him he started automatically reaching to cuddle in, but as Seb placed the open floatation vest underneath Teddy frowned unhappily at being placed back down on top it, then began to howl as his parents tried to get it done up.

“No come on Teddy, it’s so you’re safe on the boat,” appealed Seb as Teddy kicked and fought to wriggle away.

Mark held him down as gently as he could, but they had to get this done and get gone as soon as possible in case any of those fans got a second wind of confidence and dared following them down here. Britta watched, not wanting to get involved unless asked. Seb struggled to do the zip up, then pulled the two cords to secure the vest, then heaved out a breath.

“Done.”

“Right.”

Mark scooped a now screaming Teddy out, thinking the noise was doing little for their nerves. He waited while Seb and Britta passed over the pram bassinet, then folded the frame down to give that on to the man who fitted it all away before offering Britta a hand to step into the motorboat. There was plenty of room, but it did wobble ever so slightly on the water despite being tied up. Mark saw how Seb bit his lip and looked into the sea water wondering how deep and how cold it was.

“You go on darling and I’ll pass him to you,” Mark proposed.

Seb paused then nodded, not refusing the offered hand from the boatman as he stepped onboard, then turned to face Mark.

“You right?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded, making sure his trainer-clad feet were spread to give a stable base.

“I’m fine. You can pass him.”

Mark nodded back, lowering down a little and stretching out his arms holding their still crying son. Teddy flailed his arms towards him and Mark suddenly felt as nervous as Seb, but the only thing to do was get on with it, so he gave the baby a reassuring smile and handed him over.

“You got him?”

“Yep.”

Mark didn’t want to let go for a moment. There was only a couple of inches gap between the jetty and the boat, but somehow it seemed so dangerous.

“I’ve got him,” repeated Seb.

Mark risked letting go of their son and Sebastian immediately pulled the baby into his body, turning him and hugging him close.

“I’ve got you Schatz. You’re safe. Shh, shh.”

 

He stroked over Teddy’s back, for a moment forgetting where he was and Seb’s stomach turned as the boat wobbled a little again and he clutched the baby tighter in. He looked at the seating; padded benches facing one another with a more workaday one at the back by the engine and tiller. There was another row at the very front, but that was now piled with bags, the pram stacked at its foot. The boatman pointed, telling them to sit and Seb nodded. Britta had taken the one nearer the prow, but as Seb sat while Mark climbed onboard, he still felt a bit insecure on the middle seat. It was comfortably designed for two, but as Mark sat to one side Seb shifted into the middle.

“Um, Britta could you sit here? Would you mind?”

Britta nodded seeing the gap he was making on his other side and Mark scooched up a little more to sit close to the port side, Britta taking the starboard spot with Seb holding Teddy tightly in his arms in the centre.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded and Mark put his arm around him.

“Perfectly safe darling.”

 

Britta turned to tell the man they were good to go and he rapidly untied the boat before starting the engine and setting off. Mark gave Seb a smile and nodded at the earphones on Teddy.

“Good job we put these on him.”

Sebastian nodded again, then looked down to see that Teddy had begun to snivel to a stop as he pressed into him, now sitting sideways on his lap facing Mark.

“There now,” soothed Mark, giving the baby a smile to reassure him. “No need to upset yourself. Papa’s got you.”

Seb made sure both of his arms were wrapped right around the baby as though they were seatbelts holding him in, then let out a calming breath as the boat moved at a fairly slow speed, heading out a little away from land before beginning to veer westwards in the direction of the main harbour of Monaco bay. Mark rubbed over Teddy’s leg.

“Good boy sitting nice and still.”

Teddy of course couldn't hear him. He looked at his father, clearly not at all sure about the sensation of bobbing up and down on the small waves as they travelled along. Mark managed to squeeze his left hand into his shorts pocket at the side of the boat and fished out a tissue to dry under his son’s eyes, then stroked his cheek. Poor little thing. Mark suspected their nerves had to feed into him. No wonder he had cried. He looked up to Seb and gave him a reassuring smile as well.

“Okay?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian let out a long breath. It was a bit cosy with three of them on this seat, but it felt much safer for Teddy to have two adults either side in case he surprised them by making a sudden movement or there was a big wave that might splash overboard and scare him. So far there was only a little gentle spray and Teddy was so ensconced in the middle Seb thought it wasn’t really reaching him.

 

Britta turned to them, speaking at last as they all seemed settled.

“On the way back we’ll be more organised,” she decided. “Have everything onboard and get Teddy in his life-jacket before bringing him.”

Seb nodded. It would be so much easier when they were effectively on home turf.

“He can practically swim anyway,” commented Mark. “All the time we spend in our pool.”

Sebastian sent him a look.

“Hey I’m just saying,” Mark defended. “You’re fine aren’t you kiddo? Perfectly safe.”

Sebastian nodded, but he didn’t slacken his hold on Teddy the entire journey.

  


Given how busy the harbour was with boats of every size moored all around, they had to go even slower once they entered it, but the waves were less choppy here so it felt steadier as they approached the rear of the RedBull barge. It was parked up by the paddock not far from La Rascasse on the western side of the bay below the palace and seemed hugely imposing from the low height of the water as they pulled around to meet the jetty attached to its rear. There was a member of staff waiting to assist them, helping the boatman tie up as they came to a stop.

“Right,” breathed out Mark. “Done. Safe and sound. Thank you Britta, thank you...” he paused, realising he had no idea of the man’s name and just nodded to him, “mate. Okay, so...”

“You go on up,” asserted Britta. “We’ll bring everything along.”

“Oh, um.” Mark looked to Seb still clinging to Teddy then nodded. “Righto. Okay sweetheart I’ll go first and you pass him to me.”

Sebastian nodded. He waited while Mark stood and climbed off, then stood himself, Britta giving him a hand for which he was grateful when it still felt unsteady underfoot. Seb saw Mark ducking down to make them level, holding out his hands to take their son. He had to persuade himself to pass him over, only letting go as Mark repeated he definitely had hold of him. As Mark stood, he held Teddy in close, automatically taking an extra step back away from the water towards the wall of the barge behind him. Seb let out a relieved breath, then followed to climb off, only then relaxing a fraction.

“You go up,” reminded Britta. “We’ve got this.”

Both Seb and Mark looked back, feeling as though they ought to offer to help seeing as it was all their belongings onboard, but she gave them a firm nod so they did as they were instructed. They headed up the ramp to where a RedBull host already stood on duty at a little lectern, clipboard at the ready to check arranged guests booked in to travel this way with the team’s hired boat-taxi. She had no need to check her list for the group approaching however, asking no names and requesting no passes.

“Welcome aboard,” she smiled.

Sebastian gave her a smile back, but as they stepped past her onto the far more stable barge, he let out an unmissable sigh of relief. He looked to Mark carrying Teddy still bundled up in his orange safety vest with blue sunhat on his head and earphones clamped over the top. He did look rather comical, but Seb was glad they had taken as many precautions as they had.

“Just us here by the looks of it,” noted Mark.

They surveyed the barge as they rounded the original RedBull Energy Centre building plonked towards the rear where they had arrived, then walked around to the extended decking where all the tables and sunshades were set ready for the occupants due to enjoy RedBull hospitality over the weekend. As yet it did indeed appear as though nobody else was around. Mark looked down at Teddy. He felt bulky in his vest so Mark hitched him up and gave him a smile as Teddy put his little arm around his neck as if trying to hang on.

Seb checked his watch.

“It’s only quarter past seven.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Most sane people are just getting up for the day.”

Sebastian nodded. Here no other formulas ran prior to the F1 in the morning. This was a party town on the biggest party week of its year. The organisers knew better than to wake revellers after a big night by sending noisy engines around before ten am. This weekend was as much about money and schmoozing sponsors at parties and events as it was the actual racing. Everybody from the bar-owners, hoteliers, casino managers and F1 teams, wanted people to have a good time and be in the best possible mood to part with the most amount of cash. None of those types were even getting breakfast brought to their astronomically expensive hotel suites or cooked by their chefs on their super-yachts across the bay just yet.

Behind them Britta appeared with a reassembled pram, bags neatly put underneath and a reassuring smile on her face.

“Right. That’s that done,” she declared. “You guys alright?”

“Yep. Thanks Britta.”

Sebastian leaned in, surprising Britta with a hug.

“Thank you.”

Britta shrugged it off.

“Just a bit of fuss at the hotel. They’re harmless really. Just a bit over-excited to see you.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I know. Just, with Teddy.”

“Of course. Well. Done now. So shall we get your bags to your room?”

  


They entered the main building where Britta parked up the pram in hospitality before helping Seb to gather their bags while Mark kept a hold of Teddy. Then they trooped upstairs to reach Seb’s room, dumping things down and Mark placing Teddy on the bed to finally relieve him of all his additions, smiling at him as Teddy reached up at hearing their voices again.

“Hey sweetheart. That’s better isn’t it darling?”

Mark stroked Teddy’s cheek and let him have a little wriggle about now he was freed.

“You hang on to the safety-vest,” instructed Britta. “Then you’ve got it to hand to put on ready before we head back.”

“Sure,” accepted Mark, not wanting to have that struggle on a jetty again.

“Are you going to be staying all day?”

Mark took in a breath, half an eye on Teddy still.

“What’s the timetable?”

“Well,” Britta looked to see Sebastian busily sorting out their belongings. “Seb if you take a good break now, have breakfast or what ever you want. Then I’ll meet you at eight and we’ll start properly, go over everything so you’re all set.”

“Thanks. Um, just a quick overview for Mark?”

“You’re scheduled lunch between 12.30 and 1.30, then after FP2 media huddle at 3.45 and then another media general session after your debrief at five, then a meet and greet at quarter to six, but only for fifteen minutes or so, then you can do whatever else needs doing.”

Sebastian nodded along while Mark was calculating that meant no earlier than probably six-thirty before Seb would be done. It was going to be a long day.

“Mark you’re not wanting to leave before Seb are you?” checked Britta.

“No that’s fine.”

“I won’t be late tonight,” promised Seb. “It’s tomorrow I’ve got that event on here in the evening.”

“Sure.”

“And Mark you’re not coming to that are you?” checked Britta.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Nope definitely not, sorry.”

“Mark will have Teddy at the hotel,” affirmed Seb.

“Of course.”

“If I need to do any extra work with the guys I could do it beforehand,” Sebastian suggested. “Probably better really seeing as quali’s the next day.”

“Mm, though don’t forget we’re seeing JB and Jess that afternoon.”

“Oh. Oh yeah of course. Well, late on, six-ish. That’d be okay wouldn't it?”

“Sure,” nodded Mark, not wanting to make life any harder.

“Right, well I’ll leave you to it,” decided Britta. “Will you be in hospitality?”

“I’ll come to you,” Sebastian asserted.

“Okay. Later then. Mark.”

 

Britta nodded, then with more thanks Seb shut the door behind her. He leaned his back into it and let out the longest sigh. Mark looked over from where he sat on the bed and picked Teddy up.

“Come and have a sit down darling,” he encouraged.

Sebastian did as requested. He sat beside Mark and looked in at Teddy in his arms.

“He seems okay now,” he observed.

“Didn’t like being manhandled into his vest.”

Sebastian sighed.

“He was struggling so much.”

“I wasn’t blaming you. It was both of us. We were stressed darling and he felt it.” Mark saw Seb still looking unhappy. “He’s fine. And we’ve not tried it before to know it’s so fiddly. Next time we’ll have him all ready like Britta said and it’ll be fine. Yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian turned into him and wrapped his arms around both Mark and Teddy. Mark wished he could hug him back, but with his hands full he just kissed Seb’s temple and they sat together for a couple of minutes.

  


“Just a stressy start to the day,” Mark commented quietly. “We’re all fine.”

Seb nodded and sat up.

“Okay. I wish I could explain to those fans so they understood.”

“They don’t mean any harm.”

“I know, but I just wish they’d think what it’s like with Teddy there.”

“I know.”

“Do you think he knew what was going on?”

Mark shook his head.

“No sweetheart, in his bubble, safely tucked away. He couldn’t see them, they couldn't see him. It’s all okay.”

Sebastian nodded. He knew that back in Milton Keynes there was an intern in the PR department whose sole job was to trawl social media for photographs of the team, and particularly the drivers. He knew Britta would be told if there was anything of Teddy put online. He should thank his mother again for that brainwave getting them the pram-shade cover.

“Okay Liebling. Thank you.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“Feel like getting some brekkie?”

Seb nodded and stood, taking Teddy so they could go back down. Time to restart their day and put this false start behind them.

  


  


  


  


  


“Well you did alright when it came to stuff on track,” commented Jenson as they sat in the park the next day.

“Jense,” frowned Jessica.

“He did,” shrugged Jenson. “Right up there on the times weren’t you?”

“Thanks. Yeah it was fine once we got there,” assured Sebastian.

Mark made no comment about the fact it had taken them quite some while to settle down again. Even so, he wasn’t surprised that Seb had been able to put it aside once he started work and by the time he was driving it was as if nothing had happened, on the outside at least. Indeed once free practice had got going Sebastian’s laptimes had been very promising indeed.

“Well those fans sound very thoughtless,” criticised Jess.

“Ah I dunno,” sighed Mark. “They’re just a bit over the top.”

“It’s just with Teddy,” Seb added.

“Mm,” nodded Jess. “So was it the same on the way back?”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“Not as bad. Britta went a bit ahead and took a bunch of freebies to giveaway at the hotel entrance while we tried to sneak round the back unnoticed, but they still spotted us.”

“We got inside though. They were too slow,” recounted Mark.

“Still, not on when you’ve got a kid with you,” Jenson agreed.

“No mate.”

“The hotel said they caught some of them hanging around the staff entrance we used, but the alleyway’s theirs so they told them they had to clear off.”

“So they’re just round the main entrance?” checked Jess.

“Yep.”

“And what about just now?”

“Ah we went the other way, inwards from where that alley brings you out taking the back roads to yours rather than going down past the hotel entrance and thankfully nobody clocked us coming to yours when it’s so out of the way.”

“Okay, so can’t you do that tomorrow morning? Take the back roads?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You can’t get around to the bay to get the boat-taxi.”

“And you can’t walk all the way to the paddock without going via the harbour where it’s ten times busier,” added Mark.

“Ah,” nodded Jenson. “And a car’s no go this weekend is it? Not heading that way.”

“Nope. We’ve just got the one option really.”

 

Sebastian stroked Teddy’s arm where he sat on his knee now, all of them on a blanket on the grass in this peaceful little park tucked far away from the action at the harbour. There were tennis courts over to the far side on a lower level and a little playground on a higher terrace surrounded by tall trees where they could hear a few kids were playing.

They had found a nice spot on one of the terraced lawns having carefully bumped the pram up the shallow steps that made up the path around this pretty little park edged with hardy roses and exotic plants that enjoyed this warm climate. It felt a million miles away from the noise and bustle of the action down by the harbour that was actually only half a mile away. In the distance you could see the water of the Mediterranean, as azure blue as the sky above, dotted with yachts and even bigger cruise ships calling by, looking like toy boats in a bathtub from this far off.

“It’s so nice to get away from it all,” Seb sighed. “You’d never know this place was here.”

“Ah well it’s not exactly a tourist hotspot up here,” commented Jenson. “We play tennis here sometimes and it’s good for a bit of outdoor yoga.”

Mark chuckled at that, but Jenson pulled a face.

“Very good for you mate. You should try it.”

“Ah no you’re alright thanks.”

“This is a proper locals’ place,” Jenson explained. “Not as fancy as the Casino parks but you get more of a sense of space.”

“There’s a lovely little Japanese park nearer to your hotel,” added Jess. “But that’s bound to be busy today.”

“Nicely tucked away up here,” grinned Jenson.

Mark puffed a laugh.

“Up is the word. You never notice how heavy that pram is until you push it uphill for half an hour.”

“I said I’d help,” pointed out Seb.

“This is your rest day,” Mark argued back.

“Hmm okay. Well this is very restful, thank you guys. We really needed it.”

Mark nodded in agreement.

“Yeah good call.”

 

Sebastian looked at Teddy on his knee. They’d given him his bottle before they left and he had slept as they walked here, but he seemed awake enough now.

“Do you think he needs more sunscreen on Liebling?”

Mark leaned in to look at Teddy, peering in under the lip of his cloth sun-hat then feeling his bare arm.

“Nah he’s not too warm. We’re shaded here.”

Sebastian felt Teddy’s chubby leg below the end of his shorts. He felt a little but warm, but not hot. It had been another battle to get sunscreen on him before they left the hotel, the baby lying on a towel on their bed, writhing out of the way and kicking out as Seb and Mark fought to coat his skin.

“Maybe if we just give him a bit of water?”

Mark nodded and dug into the picnic bag for a bottle kept in the cool-bag tucked inside. He broke the seal, then handed it over to Seb for him to attempt feeding a bit to their son. At least with this warm air if he spilt a bit on his little t-shirt it would dry soon enough.

“Anyone want any more food?” offered Jess.

With shakes of the head they returned to chatting, Seb drinking the rest of Teddy’s bottle after he’d had a bit. No wonder the pram had been so heavy he thought seeing as they had brought so much stuff with them. Seb didn’t know where they would change Teddy if he needed it, but he suspected right here on the grass. Teddy probably wouldn't care.

  


Seb let Jess take Teddy to hold on her knee for a while, smiling at how she fussed over him, then leaning back on his arms to relax, only half listening to Mark’s conversation with Jenson, enjoying the chance to really relax. Yesterday had turned out okay in the end, and Mark had been left well alone on the RedBull barge, keeping to either his room or hospitality to watch the track action and then taking wanders on the upper level of decking outside, away from the entrance by the paddock where most of the media lurked. If it weren’t for the fans by their hotel this would actually be a much easier option than the usual worries they had going through the paddock seeing as they completely bypassed that by taking the sea-route.

“If we could just skip that bit,” he commented out-loud.

“Hmm?” frowned Jess.

“Oh sorry. I was just thinking of the fans at the hotel. It’s just that bit that bothers me.”

“Did they really chase you?”

Sebastian sat up again.

“Not _chase_. They just tried to cross over from by the entrance to get closer to us, but it did unnerve a bit me if I’m honest. I know that might sound kindof stupid when they’re just fans.”

“It’s not stupid,” asserted Mark. “I didn’t much like it either sweetheart, not when Teddy’s with us.”

Jessica nodded agreement.

“Not on,” concurred Jenson.

“Mm.”

Jessica looked at Teddy on her lap, then the pram parked beside them.

“Do you think they’d recognise the pram?” she asked.

“Huh?”

“The pram. If you weren’t the ones pushing it. Do you think they’d remember exactly what it looks like and know it was Teddy inside.”

“Oh. Um, I don’t know.”

“I was just thinking what you told me your sister did in Melbourne Mark. Could we try that here?”

Mark raised his eyebrows.

“Ah. Are you volunteering to be the decoy?”

“Of course. If you think it might work.”

Mark and Seb looked at one another. This was a slightly different situation, but maybe…

“What do you think Liebling?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Maybe. Maybe if Jess went just a little bit further ahead than Leanne did.”

Jenson nodded, joining in now.

“If she’s too close folk might just think she’s the nanny.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Pretty glamorous nanny.”

“Not round here mate, you should see them.”

“Ach hem,” coughed Jess pointedly, giving her husband a warning look.

“Though obviously none as beautiful as my gorgeous wife,” he retreated carefully.

“If I just do the same as you,” Jess continued. “Hat, sunglasses.”

“Bet you still look like a supermodel,” pointed out Seb.

Jess smiled.

“They’re ten-a-penny in Monte Carlo sweetie, especially this time of year. Nobody looks at me twice.”

“Really?”

“Well, unless I really dress to make sure they do.”

The others laughed and Jess shrugged.

“It’s just an idea.”

 

Sebastian and Mark were looking at one another again. There was no chance Jessica could look like a run of the mill mother, but it was true that the stakes were raised around here. It might be unkind to think it and certainly they wouldn’t say so, but in Monaco she could appear to be another trophy wife with her offspring.

“Just as long as they didn’t recognise the pram,” considered Seb.

“Well if we let her get say, I dunno, twenty feet ahead so they don’t connect us,” nodded Mark.

“They’ll all be looking at you won’t they?” Jenson added. “I could walk with Jessy if you’re a bit nervous.”

Mark looked to him.

“No that’d blow our cover. If you’re there you’ll have to be with us.”

Jess smiled.

“Three drivers together. Now that’ll definitely draw their eye. If they’re busy looking at you I reckon I could be by the jetty before anyone even realised.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Maybe.”

“It’s very kind of you,” offered Seb.

“I don’t mind. Will we all fit on the boat?”

“Oh I should think so,” assured Mark. “There’s another bench and we could shift up the pram stuff if need be.”

“You can always send the boat back for us,” proposed Jenson.

“Nah I think we’d be right. What do you think sweetheart, worth a go?”

Sebastian nodded slowly.

“Yeah maybe. I think I might have a chat with Britta when I see her later. FP3’s not till eleven, but I think we’d still have to do it early.”

“Early’s fine,” assured Jess, keen to help. “We don’t mind do we Jense?”

“Nah love, early start for a spot of subterfuge and deception? Sounds fun.”

 

Mark rolled his eyes. This wasn’t fun to them. It was about their son’s safety and privacy, but it wasn’t really Jenson they were relying upon, it was Jess. He looked to how she was holding their son now and nodded. They could trust her.

“Is it okay if I call you after I’ve spoken to Britta?” checked Seb, looking to Jessica rather than Jenson.

“Course it is. Consider me on standby.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Thank you.”

 

He let out a sigh feeling a bit of weight off, then noticed Teddy beginning to wriggle in Jess’s arms.

“Uh oh.”

Mark shook his head and reached to lift Teddy away.

“Sorry Jess.”

“What is it?”

“Wiggle-bum usually means a pitstop.”

“Pitstop?” frowned JB.

Mark laughed and lifted Teddy up to sniff his behind Jenson looking even more bemused at seeing him doing that.

“Yep.”

Mark gave Seb a nod.

“Ah.”

Sebastian was already up, fetching out the nappy bag, and setting it out over to the side as he pulled out the folded changing mat, thinking it was a good job they had done with eating.

“Sorry guys,” apologised Mark as he laid the baby down and they started undressing him. Jenson pulled a face at the smell, but Jess was over, kneeling beside them.

“Can I help?”

“Um, wipes in there,” nodded Sebastian.

She pulled them out of the bag, holding them to pass over, then getting a nappy bag out from inside as well. Seb took the bag and folded up the dirty nappy to go in before double-knotting the bag while Mark cleaned Teddy up.

“My god, how does he make that smell from only milk?” complained Jenson.

Jess shot him a look.

“Behave. It’s not his fault, poor lamb.”

Teddy started crying as Mark lifted his legs up to wipe him clean, then Seb placed the new nappy underneath with practised speed. Jess watched on and Mark gave her a smile as they did the new nappy up.

“Taking notes?” he teased.

“Oh well. I was just thinking if you need me to help out at all this weekend. I mean seeing as we’ll be around.”

“Very kind of you Jess. I notice you’re quiet Jenson.”

Sebastian was pulling Teddy’s shorts back on for him as Mark turned to their other friend.

“Oh well, you know. I’m sure I can give him a bottle, but nappies, um...”

Jess rolled her eyes.

“Big baby himself,” she muttered under her breath making the other couple smile as they tidied up.

Teddy was still whimpering a little, pouting as Mark picked him back up and rubbed over his back.

“Such drama,” he teased gently. “Would you prefer we left you all dirty kiddo?”

Teddy gave him big blue eyes as Mark shook his head, then kissed his nose to cheer him up.

“He’ll be alright in a minute,” reassured Seb to Jess. “It’s like he forgets as soon as he stops crying why he was crying.”

“Probably does,” agreed Mark.

 

Sebastian made sure everything was away in the nappy bag and fitted it back under the pram. At least outdoors the smell didn’t linger.

“I need to go find a bin,” he announced, already getting up. “I won’t be a mo.”

“I’ll come.”

Jess walked with him for a few minutes as they wandered the paths to find a waste bin. Seb depositing it in.

“Don’t spose they’ll thank me, but I don’t know what else we can do here.”

Jessica shook her head.

“Don’t worry about it.”

  


As they turned around to stroll back down the path towards the lawn, Jess took his arm.

“You’re alright aren’t you sweetie?”

“Hm? Yeah this is nice.”

“That stuff with Teddy and the fans at the hotel?”

“We’re probably just making a big deal of it.”

“Well not if it made you uncomfortable. People should know better.”

“Hmm.”

She took in a deep breath.

“Well if I can help. Let me, yeah?”

“Yes, thanks I think that might work tomorrow if you’re okay to do it?”

“Absolutely. And you’ll be pretty close behind, so you don’t need to worry.”

“I know you’d keep him safe.”

“Course. All I’d be doing is pushing the pram. But sure. Godmother aren’t I? Got to do my bit.”

“Well thanks.”

“And I meant it about helping out. If you need me to babysit, or help on the barge if Mark needs to do anything. I might not be as good as you but I think I could muddle through without doing anything too terrible.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“It’s not as complex as it looks. If Mark and I can learn.”

“Ah you two are experts now. Such confidence with him.”

Seb chuckled.

“We have had him nearly five months.”

“True.”

“I mean Mark does more than me, but I try to make up for it when I’m not working.”

“Of course you do. I think you’re both wonderful.”

“Well, thanks.”

“And Teddy is so beautiful. Really, I know you’re meant to say that about all babies, but he really is gorgeous. Those blue eyes. Ach, modelling agencies would snap Teddy up.”

“Ha, we’re definitely not doing that.”

Jess leaned into him.

“I know, but they would. He’s going to be a looker, all the girls chasing after him, or boys, probably both.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Oh my god Jess, can I leave worrying about that for a few years?”

Jessica scrunched her nose at him.

“A few. Fifteen maybe.”

Sebastian shook his head. He really didn’t want to think of their son as a teenager. He suspected that their current worries would amount to nothing by comparison.

  


They got back to the others to find a far happier Teddy now lying out on the blanket on his front, Mark next to him in the same position as Jenson watched on.

“Hey come look. Mark’s showing us how he’s taught Teddy to do push-ups.”

Sitting back down beside them Mark gave Seb a wink as he pushed up on his arms and their son tried to copy him, only managing a slight lift, mostly just moving his head before wriggling around and succeeding in flipping himself onto his back. Mark pushed to half sit up and smiled down at Teddy.

“See!” he announced triumphantly. “Awesome isn’t he? Well done Teddy.”

“Clever boy,” praised Seb.

He tickled Teddy’s tummy and they all fussed over the baby as he laughed. Jenson smiled on, though he wasn’t quite sure the baby’s actions were as impressive as they rest seemed to think. Mark and Seb seemed to have cheered up though, so that was good. Their world revolved around this little boy now. No wonder they got so upset when they felt he was imperilled in any way. Jenson still thought their little plan for the morning sounded more like some kind of game, but he knew he had a very different perspective to his friends.

  


They stayed another hour before Jenson went on what he called a ‘reccy’ to check whether the playground was quiet, then they went up there to sit on the swings under the tall trees. Seb sat holding Teddy firmly wrapped in his arms sat on his knee, pushing just a fraction back and forth as Mark took a few photographs on his phone. Jess nearly commented that it was no wonder everyone else might want to take a picture when Teddy was so cute, but she held her tongue and instead suggested that when they were done they call in at their flat for a coffee before Seb had to go change for work.

“What time is it?” asked Seb, unable to look at his watch as he hung onto the baby.

“Half three,” reported Jenson. “You gotta go?”

Seb pondered it. He’d decided to give an hour to the team for some extra engineering prep for quali tomorrow at six. Time to change at the hotel, time for a coffee at theirs…

“Um, maybe quarter of an hour if that’s okay?”

He looked to Mark who nodded. Best not to feel any more rushed than they had to this weekend. For now they should just enjoy this, being together as a family on a day off with good friends as company, relaxing in this little green haven, an oasis of calm hidden away above the bustling harbour. Soon they’d be back down there, Seb heading to work doing his best to charm the throngs for the company dime, but for just a few minutes they could put that from their minds. Mark came to sit on the swing next to Seb with Teddy, swinging in time. He smiled over. Just a few more minutes before they had to go back to reality. They’d take their moments while they could.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prelude I guess. There's something about Monaco, so this'll be a multi-chapter chapter (your level of suprise I suspect is zero...)


	225. Monaco Baby - pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As an aside, yes I still call it Loews hairpin because I'm old-fashioned, though I know it's not officially that any more. Also I think it sounds better and I watch too many old races to think of it any different now.

* * *

 

 

Next morning Britta went downstairs to let Jess and Jenson in via the back staff door, checking that nobody was hanging around there at least. She had already inspected the front entrance to find that even before seven am, the hard-core of dedicated fans remained, determined to catch a glimpse at least of their heroes within. After a few minutes catching up in Seb and Mark’s room, they headed down, Teddy already set in his pram, life jacket fitted on with rather less distress than on the Thursday, though he still looked unimpressed at the ear-protectors on his head and kept reaching at them with his little hands and frowning at his parents.

“Doesn’t like them much does he?” observed Jenson.

“Ah he’ll forget he’s got them on in a minute,” assured Mark.

“I’m sure it’s best,” agreed Jessica.

She glanced to Seb and thinking he looked a little nervous gave him a smile.

“You’ll be right behind me,” she reminded him.

“Yep.”

“Anything happens I’ll sprint and catch up,” stated Mark, then looked to Seb. “But it won’t.”

“We’ll just walk as a group slow enough for them to take their snaps of us,” Britta asserted, having gone over this plan several times already. “I’m sure that will be plenty to distract them. If any overstep things I’ll put a stop to it.”

Britta always sounded so confident it made Seb feel better. He nodded and began fixing on the pram shade so Teddy was covered up, then moments later they were at the back door, pushing the pram out with only a pause while Jessica took over at the pram handle.

 

Despite the weather this morning being distinctly greyer and cooler than the previous ones, Jess wore a large floppy sunhat, enormous sunglasses and a long flowing sundress, with her perfectly straight brunette hair swept back over her shoulders. Her one concession was the flat sandals she wore on her feet, but she still looked every inch the supermodel on her day off, though Seb and Mark did have to concede that she was right to say they were thick on the ground here, not to mention all the film stars visiting from the Cannes film festival just up the coast as well as pop stars and celebrities of every kind who had flocked to the principality.

Jess gave them a reassuring smile, then nodded as Britta reminded her to walk as if she had no clue the fans were even there.

“You can’t see or hear them and you have no idea we are behind you,” asserted Britta.

Jess nodded again. She could see Jenson wanted to make a joke about her knowing her cover role. Last night as they sat watching TV the couple had played a little game about what their spy name might be, Jess pointing out that their initials were a rubbish giveaway so they would have to change them completely. Jenson naturally wanted to give her the terrible pun names that Jess said were more Austin Powers than James Bond. She could see that hidden smile in his eyes even now, but she sent him firm look telling her husband to behave or else, then assured Mark and Seb everything was completely in hand and strode confidently around the corner, pushing the pram as if she hadn’t a care in the world.

 

Seb and Mark still wore plain outfits as they had before, caps and sunglasses on. They didn’t want it to look too obvious that they weren’t hiding so much this time seeing as they were the bait. Britta gave them a prompting nod and the group set off following the same path as Jess, immediately crossing the road on exiting the alley and walking down the pavement towards the seafront. Jessica was roughly thirty feet in front, and true to her word, she didn’t turn her head or do anything to attract attention, simply pushing the pram and walking serenely on.

As Britta had known they would, the group by the entrance waiting to pounce on any drivers coming in or out, spotted them over the road and an excited murmur went through them as they all turned to look. Britta was certain that many were the same people as before. Unfortunately from their point of view there was plenty of time for this before the fans presumably went to wherever they were going to watch the day’s action. She quietly reminded those around her to keep walking at a steady pace, then looked to see that Jessica and Teddy were now half-way to the jetty ahead.

There were plenty of calling out the drivers’ names and this time Seb and Mark didn’t keep their heads down so much, glancing over as they checked to see if any of them were taking photos on their phones that it was most definitely of them and not their son’s pram in front. Britta sent a warning look to the crowd of fans, then decided to go over while they were still on the other pavement.

“I’ll catch up.”

She nipped over the road and stood in front of them and held her hands up in a stop motion.

“Okay, so if you could just stay on this side. I’m sorry. I know you’d like more, but they do have to get on. Team obligations, I’m afraid and they can’t be late.”

Her little announcement seemed to confuse the fans who paused, wondering what on earth an F1 driver and two ex-F1 drivers could have to do at seven am that was so important. Britta gave the group a smile.

“Thank you. Really, much appreciated. They’d love to stop, but just not now unfortunately. I’m sorry, but this is such a busy weekend. Thank you.”

Britta nodded, trying not to look too obviously to see if Seb and the rest were away now. She reflected that an awful lot of the time all you really had to do was politely ask something of people and their reflex response was to do as requested as long as it wasn’t unreasonable.

“Thank you,” she repeated. “Enjoy your weekend.”

 

With that she turned and walked briskly away, pleased to see that the three drivers were already close to the jetty gate and that as there was no sign of Jessica, she must already be down there. By the time Britta caught up with them, Seb had Teddy out of the pram, giving him a cuddle as they thanked Jess.

“All I did was walk and push,” she smiled.

“You were great love,” praised her husband, putting his arm around her.

“Yeah really Jess that was brilliant,” insisted Seb. “No one even looked at you.”

Jessica laughed.

“Ah the day that’s become a success. Oh well. Glad to help.”

Britta thanked her as well, then they set about transferring everything and everybody onto the boat. Seb took the same place as before, sitting with Teddy held on his lap while Mark and Britta sat either side, Jess and Jenson facing them on the other seat. As Jessica looked at them she observed how tightly Seb still hung onto the baby despite successfully avoiding the crowd.

Mark had his right arm around Seb’s back, his left hand hand placed on Teddy’s leg, giving them both a reassuring smile. It was only she observed them now that Jess was struck by how hard it must have been for them to let Teddy out of reach in her care while his safety did not feel guaranteed. Jess couldn't imagine any of those ordinary looking fans really posing a threat, but if they had rushed towards the pram or even tried to take a picture despite the cover surely blocking Teddy from view, Jess was sure it wouldn’t feel that way to his parents. 

 

Once they arrived at the RedBull barge Seb and Mark excused themselves to take a moment sorting themselves out in Seb’s room while the other two got a coffee in the deserted hospitality area and Britta went off to get some time for herself. Five minutes later Seb and Mark returned and joined their friends at the table, Teddy sat once again on Sebastian’s knee. Mark noticed that Jess had finally given in and added a little wraparound cardigan over her dress and he wondered how on earth she had fitted it into the small handbag she’d had over her shoulder. Women’s clothing was a mystery.

“Colder today,” he commented as the waitress went away having taken their order.

“I know, typical after it’s been gorgeous all week,” agreed Jenson. “Dunno why it seems to do this so often for the race.”

“It’s going to rain later,” stated Sebastian.

Mark looked to him.

“I thought you said on 60% chance?”

“That was yesterday’s forecast. Look over there.”

Sebastian nodded towards the windows and everyone looked to see the now ominous dark clouds massing beyond the hills and cliffs that edged the area.

“Ah. Hmm.”

“Maybe not for FP3,” offered Seb, knowing rain worried Mark when he was driving.

“Well it can change on a dime here,” offered Jess. “Could be sunny by lunchtime.”

Mark nodded, but he glanced back outside thinking Seb was more likely to be correct. Oh well, at least the cars went slower here. He pushed away all thoughts of how close the barriers were and how many drivers had already introduced themselves to them on Thursday during free practice when the track had been bone dry. Seb would be _fine_. In the meantime they had good company, good food to come and plenty of time to enjoy both before Sebastian had to go off working.

 

 

By eleven am at the start of third practice there was a fine drizzle in the air and those dark clouds had spread to cloak the sky above, though there was at least no downpour just yet. The RedBull barge had filled up as the morning went on, packed with paying or invited guests making the most of the hospitality and entertainment on offer. So far most of them were continuing to brave the climate and remained outside on the deck, sheltered under all those large umbrellas that were intended to block the sun, not rain.

Mark sat with the other couple, Teddy on his knee having done his goodbye with Sebastian just ten minutes earlier. They had decided to find space to watch on the second level of the RedBull base seeing as the lower level might get very busy if that rain did come down. Jenson had joked that the rest needed a better pass to get on the upper floors and it occurred to Mark that he never considered such things. This place was practically his second home. He smiled down at Teddy thinking he seemed pretty at home here too and wondered if it was strange place for a child to spend so much time. At least with all these extra hands around they had been able to lug the pram up here.

“Oh look Teddy, there’s your papa,” spotted Jess sat beside him on the long sofa they had nabbed, Jenson beyond her.

Mark smiled and raised Teddy’s hand to wave at the screen as Sebastian was shown in his car, just setting out from the garage. The commentary on TV was remarking that teams might well be cautious this morning, not wanting to risk their cars too much when there was only two hours after practice until qualifying. Seb had seemed pretty confident though and Mark was glad they’d had plenty of time to set aside the complications of getting here so he could really get in racer mode.

“They on inters?” wondered Jenson, sitting forwards slightly to look at the graphics on-screen.

“Nah, track’s too dry,” Mark replied. “Super-softs.”

“Mm.” Jenson started laughing. “Oh dear, not too dry for some.”

“What’s happened?” frowned Jess.

“Didn’t you see Palmer’s back end go on that corner?” asked Jenson. “Blimey mate, don’t bin it on the installation lap, the team won’t thank you for that.”

He looked past his wife to give a fellow driver a conspiratorial grin and Mark huffed a laugh that he knew he wouldn't if it had been Seb having such a wobble.

 

 

When Seb returned over an hour later Mark felt more than a little relief that it was after an uneventful practice session for him at least. He stood from the sofa to give him a hug.

“Good stuff darling.”

Sebastian smiled and gave him, then Teddy in his arms a kiss.

“Thanks. I know the times weren’t quite at the top, but we weren’t pushing so hard. The team wanted to work on a few things.”

“Ah okay. How does it feel?”

“Yeah good actually. I think I could have had a really fast flyer at the end if Kvyat hadn’t brought out that red flag. We’re definitely feeling a lot stronger in the cooler temps. I just needed more time to show it.”

“Oh well, quali’s what counts,” Mark offered.

Sebastian nodded, then spotted that their friends had stood as well and finally took a step back from Mark, apologising and saying hi to them.

“I could do with changing,” he commented. “I’m feeling a bit damp.”

“Lovely,” teased Jenson.

Mark rolled his eyes and looked to Seb instead.

“Want me to come with you?”

“Um.”

“I can look after Teddy,” offered Jess.

Mark looked to Seb who gave a little shrug, then he nodded and passed the baby over.

“Be good for your Auntie Jess mate.”

“We’ll just be five minutes,” added Seb.

“You know his stuff’s all there,” nodded Mark towards the pram parked at the side, “but just buzz my mobile and I’ll be back.”

 

Jessica sat back down with Teddy, picking up the toy Mark had been entertaining him with and Jenson sat beside them as the other couple walked away.

“Why does Mark need to go help him change I wonder?” he teased.

Jess sent him a look.

“They just want a minute alone. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing. Don’t spose they get much of that with this little’un around.”

“Ach, just to chat. Honestly Jense it’s not all about _that_.”

Jenson merely smiled. As far as he could tell Mark and Sebastian liked _that_ quite a lot. They were very affectionate even when everyone else was around these days. He didn’t want to think what they were like when they were alone. Although if he was entirely honest, Jenson did wonder quite a bit.

 

 

In Seb’s room he was redressing after his quick shower, Mark helping by hanging up his worn race-suit to dry.

“Just in case Teddy pulls another number on you,” he smiled.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Yeah not doing that again.”

He pulled on a RedBull hoody and puffed a breath.

“Right. Done.”

“So how’re you feeling for quali?”

Sebastian paused, then moved his head a little from side to side as he mulled it over.

“Feels pretty good, but the rain probability’s gone up to 70% now, so you know how that goes here. Not sure any of us are really going to know until we get out there.”

“Mm, gotta get your bankers in.”

“Exactly.”

Mark shrugged.

“All to play for.”

“Yeah true,” agreed Seb. “You know it does feel like we’re in with half a chance here. The Merc engine advantage doesn’t play so much and we were really working on the feel through the corners. I know I wasn’t at full speed earlier.”

“So you can go faster.”

“I think, yeah I really think so Liebling. It did feel as if the car was responding well. Like she was properly listening to me.”

Mark smiled, not wanting to laugh at the way Seb explained things as though the car was alive.

“Good stuff, well shall we go rescue our son and get some lunch?”

“Tsk, he’s fine with Jess for five minutes.”

Mark chuckled as they exited the room.

“Would you leave him with just Jenson?”

“Hm, perhaps not for very long. He looks a bit alarmed whenever he holds Teddy. Like he’s worried he’s going to drop him and we might kill him.”

“I _would_ kill him.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“No wonder poor Jense is nervous then.”

Slipping his hand into Mark’s as they walked back, Seb gave him a smile.

“Remember when we were that nervous holding Teddy?”

“Nope.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Long time ago now.”

As they reached their friends Seb smiled to see that it was indeed Jess still holding their son, Teddy seeming quite content to be spoiled with all this attention.

“Hi guys. Fancy some lunch?”

 

 

Soon Seb was back in his room, pulling on a fresh race outfit ready for quali. This time they had brought Teddy with them so Seb could say a proper goodbye to him. He wasn’t about to repeat the mistake he had made in Barcelona, particularly when he had helped give their son his bottle only twenty minutes earlier. So Seb held him carefully in his arms, simply giving him a kiss and a smile.

“I’ll be back soon Schatz.”

He looked to Mark.

“Don’t worry if it rains Liebling. You know it’s just bankers until Q3 really and I’m pretty confident we can get there.”

Mark nodded. He knew quite well how it all worked and Seb knew that too. He also knew that one little mistake and you were in the wall here. Mark had no wish to see that, no matter how much slower Sebastian might be going compared to on a normal circuit. On rejoining their friends Jenson helpfully pointed out that a lot more people were sheltering inside from the weather now.

“I swear it’s gone darker over the past half hour,” observed Jenson. “Rain before the hour’s up I bet.”

“Yes thank you weatherman,” intervened Jess. “Seb you’ll be great. Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah good luck,” added Jenson. “Right circumstances and rain can be an advantage.”

Mark put an arm around Sebastian who was still holding Teddy.

“Any car with Seb in has an advantage,” he declared, winning a smile from his husband. He gave Sebastian a last kiss and took Teddy from him. “We know you’ll do great. Love you sweetheart.”

“Love you too Liebling, and you Teddybär.”

They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, then Sebastian spotted Britta lurking to walk him over. With a last nod to his friends Seb walked away, leaving the barge to cut through the paddock and head over the footbridge to reach the pits. There were far more fans here, as well as hordes of media, all trying to catch him as he rushed past, and although he had no time to stop, Sebastian thought how it didn’t really bother him now when he had felt so anxious with Teddy. Context was everything.

 

Back in RedBull hospitality they resumed their seats on the sofa ready to watch the large screen in front. Jenson smiled over at his friend.

“You old smoothie,” he teased.

“What?”

Jenson chuckled a little and shook his head.

“Nothing, never mind. Anyone want a coffee before it all kicks off?”

Mark shook his head.

“What to make me more jittery? No thanks.”

“Water? Jess?”

“Yeah just grab us a couple of bottles,” instructed his wife.

Jenson nipped up to request them so they could settle in hopefully for the duration. Jessica turned to Mark beside her.

“You know if you wanted to go in the garage we could look after Teddy?”

Mark looked at his son who was leaning sideways into his chest, appearing on the point of dropping off.

“Ah that’s very kind Jess, but I just like having Teddy with me to be honest.”

“Oh okay. Well… anything you need.”

Mark nodded.

“You’re a good lass. Thank you.”

Jessica laughed.

“Praise indeed.” She glanced at the television to see the presenters now opening up golf umbrellas to stand under in the pitlane. “Ah.”

Mark looked where she was looking.

“Hmm.”

Jenson came back over, dumping chilled water bottles on the coffee table before sitting down.

“What’ve I missed?”

“Starting to rain,” updated Jess.

Jenson looked to the screen for confirmation, then over at Mark.

“Ah, well, same for everyone isn’t it? Experience counts for a lot around here.”

Mark just nodded, so Jenson left it. For the impartial observer this looked to be shaping up to be an exciting qualifying session. Unfortunately Mark wasn’t impartial.

 

 

The rain was only light throughout Q1, but all the cars were on intermediate tyres, knowing that the streets of Monaco could quickly become like ice-rinks. It took only a tiny miscalculation and your car could be planted in the armco and it would all be over. Sebastian had really needed no reminders from Mark to set his banker time, but as he sat in the garage waiting to go out again to try to improve it, he did think of him as the little screen placed in front of him in the car showed that Stroll had just gone nose first into Portier having messed up his turn into the tunnel.

It wasn’t a hard hit, but it was messy and that halted things for a while. Seb turned to one of his mechanics who merely flicked his eyebrows, neither one of them needing to say that Seb didn’t want to be doing that. They had to wait while the car was removed and the track cleared, then Sebastian along with the rest were released to try again, but as Seb wound his way round the streets on his out lap he got on the radio.

“It’s really getting wetter out here,” he reported.

“Yep. We think your time is safe, but we’d like to be within the 1.24’s to be secure.”

“Righto.”

 

Back in hospitality Mark couldn’t help huffing a laugh hearing Seb respond like that. Just go faster in the rain at Monaco: righto, no problem. They watched as drivers went on their laps to try to get within the cut-off time to make Q2. With an ever wetter track it seemed everything was up in the air. The coverage only showed the end of Seb’s lap as he passed the chequered flag but it kept him in fourth which, although not spectacular, was more than comfortable to make the next stage.

As Seb did his slow lap back around he was already planning what he needed to say to his team the moment he got into the garage and could speak without it being broadcast to the world. They needed to do something to help with the oversteer in these conditions, he needed the front wing tweaked and most of all he definitely needed to switch tyres. The moment he was back and wheeled back into the garage Sebastian had his visor up, jumping out of the car to talk to his engineer and the mechanics around his car.

“You’re sure it’s time for full-wets?” he was asked.

Sebastian looked outside at the rain coming down on the pitbox just outside the garage and raised an eyebrow, then looked back pointedly to the engineer who now nodded.

“Okay.”

With only minutes to spare the garage was abuzz with activity on both his and Dan’s car. Seb was back in the cockpit, helmet back on as he rapidly went over the data and talked things through. Then it was time and the engine was fired up, ready to go. He pulled away, carefully turning left out into the narrow pitlane while a couple of team-members stood around getting soaked waving him out to make sure nobody hit him as others did the same. As Sebastian sat in the queue of drivers waiting for the green light on Q2, the radio came through.

“Dan’s changed his mind and gone with inters.”

“Uh huh,” Seb replied thinking he didn’t much care when he trusted his own judgement.

“It’s about half and half with the rest. Please keep feeding back on conditions.”

“Will do.”

Sebastian set off with the others, slowing to try to make a gap for himself on his outlap. The rain was worse in some places than others, the only dry spot on the track was in the tunnel. He came around the swimming pool, weaving carefully around to Rascasse before looping around, his speed already building as he hit the start-finish straight, spray flying up all around him as Seb went off on his first fast lap.

It was tough to judge where breaking points lay when all weekend they had been different and now the pressure was on more than ever. Get it wrong and he either lost too much time, or lost control of the car and crashed. Neither were good options. Sebastian told himself it was a challenge, reminded himself he could do this and kept half an eye on the Force India ahead to see how it reacted to give himself some guidance. At least the rain was steady now, so you had half a chance of getting a reading that might still be valid next time you came around.

He set a decent enough Q2 banker time then came in, annoyed to be told that his team-mate was already going faster. Then there was a loud noise in the distance and Seb looked to his screen to see that Massa had embedded his car deep in the tyre-wall at Sainte Devote. He waited a moment to see that he was definitely alright, then looked to check what tyres Felipe had been on: Inters. Sebastian nodded slightly to himself. Wets _were_ the right call. He was just going to have to go faster on them.

 

Watching on TV Jenson and Jess applauded whilst Mark puffed out a more relieved breath to see Sebastian shoot up to p2 in the standings with his next lap, then be bumped to p3 as more cars crossed the line at the end of Q2.

“Good going,” noted Jenson.

Mark nodded.

“All about building confidence in these conditions,” Jenson explained to his wife.

Jessica smiled back, not about to say she had watched more than a few qualifying sessions herself over the years to know the score. Instead she turned to Mark.

“He looked good there.”

“Yeah.”

Jess glanced down at Teddy now asleep in Mark’s arms. He had popped the ear-defenders on the baby even though it wasn’t so loud in here, the engine noise did tend to bounce off all the tall buildings around the course.

“Bless him, he’s not fussed is he?”

Mark smiled and stroked Teddy’s cheek.

“Best way.”

 

The rain did not let up as Q3 kicked off. Nearly all the top ten were on full-wets to begin with, but a couple were still risking the intermediate tyre in the hope of going faster. Seb set what he thought was a pretty decent lap to get one on the board, then as he sat in the garage he had to watch on the screen as Daniel improved on everyone with inters on his car, going purple on the first two sectors and looking as though he was about to fly to the top of the timesheet with this lap to get provisional pole.

Sebastian looked out of the garage, trying to work out if the rain was easing off just a little or if it was his paranoia he might have made the wrong call on tyres. If he had then he needed to admit it and ask for them to be changed before he went out for his last chance run.

Suddenly there came a loud bang and everyone in the garage was hissing as they looked at the screens to see that his team-mate had been completing what was looking like a brilliant third sector only to lose it under breaking going through the swimming pool chicane and slam into the wall before bouncing off and hitting the far side.

 

“Ah _damn_ ,” cursed Mark as he saw Daniel climbing out of the remains of his car.

He sighed out a breath as the crash was replayed while the session was red-flagged. Mark was grateful that Seb had been shown pulling into the garage or he knew he would have jumped far worse at seeing a RedBull crashing. Not that he wanted anyone to crash of course, but Mark couldn't help but prioritise his husband over everyone else. The coverage cut back to show Daniel’s car being sadly winched away by a crane whilst marshals swept away the debris with brooms.

All the other cars were back in their garages now, the session officially delayed for five minutes. A shot was shown of Daniel trudging back along the pitlane, helmet still on showing he was clearly in no mood to talk to anyone. As he reached the garage Mark saw Sebastian was out of his car stood in the entrance, his helmet off and a team jacket pulled over his shoulders as he gave his team-mate a sympathetic pat on the arm as he walked in. The television couldn't pick up the sound but Mark could guess what was being said.

 

“Glad you’re alright,” offered Sebastian.

Dan nodded as he finally removed his helmet.

“Sorry,” Seb tried.

Daniel shrugged a shoulder, his usual smile missing from his face.

“I had there. I _had_ it. Argh.” He shook his head in frustration and went on into the garage to apologise to the team. “ _So_ close,” he sighed under his breath.

 

Sebastian stayed where he was as Christian appeared from the pitwall tucked upstairs here and spoke with his team-mate behind him. Seb felt cold even with the jacket on. His suit was soaked through already, clinging horribly to his skin. If only there was a longer gap Sebastian might have had opportunity to change, but he reflected that with the spray and the rain still falling he’d only be soaked again after a minute on track. After all the sunshine of past days today felt cold and miserable, more like Silverstone at its worst than the Cote d’Azur.

He peered out at the sky to see the darkest of the black clouds now out over sea beyond the harbour. The rain was still coming down, but…

Seb turned back inside and went to speak with his engineer, leaning in to look at the Meteo weather radar display.

“It’s heading out, right?” checked Sebastian.

“Looks that way. Probably not actually going to stop until after quali though.”

“Mm.”

“It’s borderline for the tyres,” advised the engineer. “What do you think?”

Sebastian puffed a breath just as his boss came over.

“Nearly time,” warned Christian.

“Yeah, we’re discussing tyres.”

“Mm, Seb what’s your opinion?”

Sebastian rubbed a hand through his hair. Dan had gone faster, but that really didn’t matter if you couldn't complete the lap.

“Do we know what Lewis is on?” he asked.

The engineer consulted a Pirelli screen.

“Inters, but he has time to change yet.”

There were a few of them gathered around now all discussing it. Consensus of opinion seemed to be that it could go either way and data wasn’t enough to tell them the right choice in abstract. What they needed was an extra lap to try it out, but the light had already turned green and there was no time.

“Inters,” stated Sebastian sounding far more certain than he actually was.

Christian nodded.

“You’re in the car.”

It was an acknowledgement of his judgement, but it also hinted that it was on his own head. Sebastian just nodded. He simply had to go for it and trust his own abilities and the racing gods. There was another flurry of action and then he was off, Christian informing him that he was going to be second to last out on track. Seb didn’t need to telling to know who it was that would have made certain to be last. There was no point thinking about that. He needed every bit of focus to do this, to take on all the advice from his engineers on where he could improve and use every last drop of skill to not just survive driving around Monaco in the wet, but to do it _faster_ than anybody else, even king of pole-laps, Lewis Hamilton.

 

As he wound around Casino Square on his outlap Sebastian tested the lines, checked where the puddles were and headed on downhill again, along Mirabeau to tiptoe around Loews hairpin down to the sea at Portier and into the tunnel, already testing going as faster through the short straight that by now wasn’t entirely dry either. Then out again, whip-smart to the left through the harbour chicane, down to Tabac past all the super-yachts where the super-rich sipped their champagne under cover whilst watching on.

Sebastian zigzagged past the swimming pool where his team-mate had come a cropper, paying no mind to the marks on the armco where Dan had crashed. Then it was past La Rascasse, foot down and pulling right into the start-finish straight and the lap was on, timer ticking and no thoughts at all of the silver car behind who only just squeezed through before the chequered flag fell. It was all or nothing now.

 

Sebastian flew past St Devote and up the hill, easing the car through Massinet avoiding the worst of the slippy patch in the shadow of the Hotel de Paris. It was still raining, but as Sebastian slowed to negotiate Casino Square once more he was sure it was no longer so heavy. The spray made it feel wet but Seb spared a hand from the wheel as he straightened up past the park to quickly wipe his visor clean to help him dodge his way round the bendiest part of the track and it definitely wasn’t getting wet so quickly again now.

As he turned for the tunnel Sebastian felt the rear of the car skid a fraction out to the left, but he had no time to be thrown by it, he was too busy pointing his car at the darkened entrance, his foot down to reach the highest speed he had achieved all day. Shooting out the other side Sebastian needed lightning reactions to get his foot on the brake before the chicane was on him. For a moment he thought he might not be able to get the car slowed enough to control it through the chicane. If he bumped too far over the kerbs here Seb knew that Charlie could decide to disallow his lap, plus the run-off exit lane here was testament to the fact it was all too easy to lose a car through this spot even when it was dry.

Somehow though Sebastian held on. He knew his hands must be white beneath his gloves he gripped the steering wheel so tight. He had to let go slightly to go up through the gears to speed back up along the short straight past all the moored yachts, hard left into Tabac, then risking more than he dared to jink past the swimming pool, then Rascasse was upon him, hard right to pass the pitlane entrance, round, _round_ onto the straight, foot so hard pressed on the accelerator pedal it felt as though he could push right through the floor.

Sebastian had almost forgotten the track was wet by this point, he was so concentrated on speeding that for a fraction of a second he almost didn’t slow down even though he had passed the flag. Then it filtered though to his brain and Seb braked into Ste Devote and breathed heavily as he slowed up the hill. That was it. He had given it his all, _more_ than his all. It was all there was to be had.

 

In the RedBull base Mark’s mouth was wide open.

“Oh, my, god,” gasped Jenson.

“Is he? That’s p1. Has he got pole?” asked Jess.

“Lewis,” was all Mark could get out.

The cameras were on the Mercedes coming to the line now. They all stared, waiting to see what Lewis’s final time was, then as one they gasped again as it slotted in _under_ Sebastian’s.

“He didn’t. Oh my god, that last corner, I think he must have gone wide?” frowned Jenson peering in. “Or the one before maybe? Messed up the braking? Something surely?”

Mark wasn’t listening. He was smiling wider than he had all week.

  


On TV they were playing the radio over the onboard footage from Sebastian’s car as he drove round the still wet track at what now felt a crawl.

“Sebi. You’re on _pole_. Pole in Monaco!” shouted a clearly thrilled Christian over the radio.

“Yeah, ha, wow, been a while,” laughed Sebastian, all the weight of the pressure now lifted from him. “Thanks. Really everyone, thank you.”

His engineer came back on with praise followed by more sober advice about bringing the car safely home. Seb huffed a little laugh, feeling almost giddy, but he knew he still had a job to do. If he got careless, strayed into a puddle and crashed the car after getting pole, he’d not only be a laughing stock, but the team would probably kill him. Dr Marko certainly.

 

 

Mark was sat back on the sofa, his head tipped up as he let out a slow breath. He paid no attention as Jenson sat forwards to watch the replay that showed Lewis had in fact missed his braking point into Rascasse and narrowly avoided ending his lap there.

“Wow he was lucky to not lose more time,” stated Jenson. “That has to be a couple of tenths right there. Pushed too hard I guess.”

“So he’s p2,” nodded Jessica.

“Yep. Only half a tenth off.”

“Doesn’t matter if it’s a thousandth,” stated Mark now turning to look at them. “Pole is pole, and pole in Monaco...”

He shook his head, still smiling.

“It’s important here,” completed Jess.

“Vital,” agreed Jenson. “Though as we know, anything can happen in the race, but still, wow, that was great stuff. Well done mate.”

Mark laughed.

“Why are you saying well done to me?”

“Well, I dunno. By proxy.”

Jenson just shrugged, but then they were all drawn back to see the drivers now parking up their cars and being weighed. Lewis came to give Seb a congratulatory pat on the back, but it was obvious from his body-language that he was annoyed with himself. As they lined up for the top three qualifiers photograph Sebastian was flanked either side by Mercedes drivers. All three smiled for the cameras, but Seb was positively beaming, eyes lit up as he stood in the centre for the first time in an age.

Jess and Jenson watched on, then smiled wider themselves as they saw the way Mark gazed at the screen, seeming oblivious to the excited noise filling the whole RedBull base now. Jenson gave his wife a tiny nudge and she nodded back, both knowing there was nothing they could add to his happiness other than Seb getting back here in person.

 

 

It felt as though it took forever for that to be possible as Sebastian had seemingly endless media commitments that Britta marched him around. She had made sure he had a warm padded RedBull waterproof coat added over his race-suit, but as they finished the last of the interviews with clamouring TV crews, Britta looked to Seb.

“We should get back so you can change.”

“I’m okay,” shrugged Seb.

Sebastian was so stoked with adrenalin and thrilled at his unexpected pole position that he hardly felt anything right now. He insisted on going to stop off in the garage to thank the team, ending up taking more congratulations. He spoke with them for a few minutes, then Christian walked him out, a hand on his shoulder as the three of them stepped into the pitlane.

“Really great stuff Seb. A real driver’s day.”

“Thanks.”

Christian nodded, then looked past him to Britta.

“So, bit of a break now then we’ll get to the debrief and crack on with actually preparing for the race while these guys stitch Dan’s car back together.”

Sebastian glanced over to where his mechanics were now pitching in to help rebuild his team-mate’s car. He hadn’t even seen Daniel since the start of Q3. Sebastian suspected he was back in his room, face down on the bed and wouldn't appreciate a knock on the door.

“So we’ll see you in a bit,” finished Christian.

“Yeah thanks.”

Sebastian unconsciously shivered a little and hunched his shoulders feeling now just how wet his race clothes were underneath his zipped up coat.

“Make sure you warm up properly,” advised his boss.

Seb laughed and nodded.

“Yeah. Right, see you in a bit.”

 

 

Walking up the gang-plank from the paddock, Sebastian wasn’t surprised to see that the main deck of the RedBull barge was a lot busier than it had been when he left seeing as the weather had typically chosen to brighten up now. He smiled and nodded as he received calls of congratulations, mostly from complete strangers, all enjoying drinks as they chatted in groups around all those little high tables and sun umbrellas.

Seb _was_ surprised to see Daniel out there with a group of his friends, but he was glad that they seemed to be cheering him up a bit. He wondered if he ought to go over, but as Dan spotted Seb he just gave him a nod and a little salute of congratulations, so Sebastian nodded thanks back and left him to it, knowing that they could speak properly at the debrief later.

As they entered the main Energy Station perched on the far side of the barge, Seb paused in further surprise as the occupants turned and applauded him. He felt almost embarrassed, but he said thanks, then gratefully headed up the stairs where only the most important guests had access.

 

Jenson heard the noise from downstairs and tapped Mark’s arm.

“Guess who’s back by the sounds of it?”

Mark turned his head to look, then seeing no sign yet, glanced at a still sleeping Teddy in his arms.

“I’ll take him,” offered Jess.

“Thanks.”

Mark knew he could have put his son down in his pram earlier, but he hadn’t wanted to. Teddy was a comforting presence in his arms. Now though he passed him over, standing in time to see Sebastian appearing at the top of the steps. Britta paused and watched on as the two caught each other’s eyes, Mark stepping away from the sofa as Seb ran over and flung himself at him.

His arms went around Mark’s neck and Seb felt his feet leave the floor as Mark’s strong arms wrapped around his middle lifting him up, the momentum swirling them both around slightly. Sebastian pressed his cheek into Mark’s and he closed his eyes, only hanging on tighter as he breathed him in, feeling happier and more excited than he had in an age.

Turned to watch from the couch, Jess smiled, then as she saw her husband open his mouth to say something to tease them she shot him a look that told him to shut it immediately. A few feet away Mark had lowered Seb down and the pair stood looking happily into each other’s eyes before Sebastian was on his toes, Mark pulling him in at the waist as they kissed until they ran our of air.

“Wow,” Jenson whispered, sounding slightly in awe.

“Yeah,” smiled Jess.

A few feet away the other couple were still pressed in tight. Mark rubbed his nose against Sebastian’s as he smiled at him, then finally relaxed his hold.

“Now _that_ darling, was impressive.”

Seb beamed up at him.

“I can’t believe I got pole.”

“I can. You wanna know how many messages I have on my phone?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Me too. I just called my family as I walked back. Fabe’s so excited.”

“I’ll bet he is. He’s sent me about ten texts, half of which are just emojis.” Mark shook his head and smiled. “Kids today.”

 

They eventually remembered where they were and Sebastian went a little pink as he saw how many people were watching them even up here away from the majority. He and Mark finally stepped apart and Britta now came over while Jenson gave Jess a hand to stand up holding Teddy to join the group. As soon as Seb saw him he leaned in to look at their sleeping son.

“Aw Teddybär. Did he sleep through it?”

Mark nodded.

“’fraid so sweetheart.”

“Ah well.”

Seb dipped in to kiss his forehead.

“Do you want him?” Jess asked.

“Oh um, I’m kindof wet.”

“Soaked to the skin I’ll bet,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. I’m freezing actually.”

“Seb go get a shower,” instructed Britta. “You’ve got half an hour. Shall I meet you back here?”

“Um yeah okay. Thank you Britta.”

 

Britta just nodded and took her leave as Mark helped Seb peel off his coat that was now damp from the inside out as it soaked up the wet from the drenched race-suit below.

“Seb, really, that was wonderful,” congratulated Jess.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah mate, awesome stuff,” Jenson praised.

“Thanks, yeah it was... I don’t know.” Sebastian shook his head, still smiling. “I was really pushing harder than I thought I dared in those conditions and yet somehow it didn’t even feel that fast, almost like some of the corners were going in slow-motion.”

“Wow. On another plane mate.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Oh I don’t know about that, but I guess it worked.”

Jenson smiled at how giddily excited Sebastian seemed and how he couldn’t stop smiling. He leaned in to give him a hug, then pulled away at feeling how wet Seb was.

“Urgh.”

“Cheers,” laughed Sebastian.

Mark looked at him and shook his head.

“Sweetheart you really do need to get out of that. You’ll make yourself ill.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I feel cold down to my bones.”

Mark tsk’d and shook his head.

“C’mon then.”

“Do you want me to hang on to Teddy?” asked Jess.

The both looked at her. Teddy was still fast asleep. Seb really wanted to give him a cuddle, but that would only wake him, plus he didn’t want to get his son’s clothes damp.

“Um, okay,” agreed Seb.

“You can always put him in his pram,” reminded Mark.

“Sure.”

“Just don’t let him have any toys or anything like that in with him,” warned Seb.

“Got it,” nodded Jessica. “No rush. Seb make sure you have a nice long hot shower.”

“Thanks.”

 

As they walked away Mark put his arm around Seb, not caring in the slightest who was watching. Jenson huffed a laugh as he and Jessica sat back down.

“You sounded like his mother.”

“Tsk, he was shivering. Why didn’t they send him straight back to change?”

Jenson shook his head.

“Press conf, media pen, more media. He’s a popular boy today.”

Jessica shifted Teddy up a fraction and looked at him instead.

“Seems like poor priorities to me.”

“Didn’t look to me as though he minded too much.”

Jessica merely tsk’d and the pair of them went back to watching the rest of the post qualifying coverage on the TV, neither expecting the other couple back in a hurry.

 

 

In Seb’s room Mark was helping him peel off his soaked race-suit that clung unpleasantly to his body. Sebastian stepped out of it and Mark hung it to dry where the one from earlier was, then looked back to see the way Sebastian shoulders hunched as he tried to drag his cloying undershirt over his head.

“C’mere.”

Mark pulled it off for him and dumped it to the side, then rubbed over Seb’s arms.

“You’re freezing. Why didn’t you say?”

“I did say.”

“Before.”

“Christian sent me back to warm up.”

“Hmm.”

Rather than say more on the matter Mark helped Sebastian remove the lower half of his race underwear.

“Urgh. It feels like they’re glued to me,” complained Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh, more amused by the view, but he could see goosepimples on Seb’s flesh, of which rather a lot was currently on display. As Sebastian finally kicked the leggings to one side and sat to pull off the little fireproof socks, he looked to Mark.

“I hope that door’s locked.”

Mark smiled and flicked the lock shut.

“Oops.”

Sebastian stood back up.

“Right, I’m getting that shower.”

 

Mark sat on the bed in Sebastian’s room while Seb took a hot shower. He had hung up the rest of Seb’s wet things, though Mark knew that an unseen hand would ensure that fresh replacements were in place by the time they returned in the morning. Not that he had any expectation of leaving soon. Seb needed to work with the team to prepare for tomorrow’s race and no doubt Britta would have more PR duties lined up and the media would want another piece of him. Mark smiled to himself though as he thought about why that was. He had hoped Seb might get a good result today, but even he hadn’t anticipated him getting pole. It really was fantastic.

 

“You look happy.”

Mark raised his eyes to see Sebastian wearing a towel stood in the narrow bathroom doorway.

“Just thinking of you darling.”

Sebastian smiled as Mark rose to meet him.

“Oh?”

“Mm. Really incredible today.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“I guess I did get a bit lucky Lewis made a mistake.”

“No, you got it right when it counted and he got it wrong. Quali in the wet, on the streets of Monaco, last lap, perfect. You were perfect.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I think there’s a chance you’re biased Liebling.”

“I’m very biased. Doesn’t mean I’m wrong,” argued Mark, now standing close to him. “You were on fire this afternoon.”

“Ironically.”

“Hm?”

“When it was so wet and cold.”

“Oh. I see.” Mark smiled and put his hand on Seb’s bare arm. “You’ll do yourself no good standing here like this.”

“I could really do with a nice long soak in the bath,” admitted Seb.

“Mm, think that’ll have to wait.” Mark reached past Sebastian to grab another RedBull branded towel from the rail in the bathroom. “Let’s get you warmed up. Boss’s orders and all that.”

Sebastian smiled as Mark decided to help by vigorously rubbing over his skin. He was warmer on the surface now from the dowsing in hot water, but being stuck in the cold for such a long spell really had sunk in, so Seb stood and let him do it. It was hard not to smile as Mark worked so arduously to towel him down, trying to stimulate the blood flowing underneath.

 

“You know at first I really couldn't recall when my last pole position was it’s so long ago,” confessed Sebastian.

“Oh? Not that long is it?”

“Yeah it is. Someone in the pen pointed it out and asked me about it.”

Mark frowned for a moment as he thought about it. In his head Sebastian got plenty of poles, but it _had_ been a while now he considered things. Then as he looked in Seb’s eyes it struck him when the last one had been.

“Oh.”

“Mm.” Seb shrugged a shoulder, not wanting to make too much of it. “Long time ago.”

Mark nodded. Of course he remembered now: Seb’s last pole position had been in Brazil, 2013. Their last race together had been the last time Seb had started from pole. Part of him wondered how it had taken so long for him to get another, but as he looked at Seb Mark thought more about _why_ they had forgotten; As things turned out, that hadn’t been the most important thing to happen that day. Mark let out a little sigh and stroked over Sebastian’s cheek.

“Long time ago,” he echoed.

 

Sebastian nodded. Mark didn’t want him to be thinking about that on a day like today, so he dipped in to kiss him, the pair of them losing themselves in it to such an extent they not only forgot the past, but where they were. As Mark finally pulled away he was struck by the little gasp Seb took to retake air into empty lungs. He took a deep breath himself, then smiled as a rather deliciously wicked idea strayed into his mind.

“You know I can think of other ways to get the blood flowing,” teased Mark.

He flicked an eyebrow up and Seb coughed a laugh.

“Mark.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder unapologetically and Sebastian shook his head, but he was smiling.

“Naughty Liebling.”

“Mm.”

“Race weekend.”

“I know.” Mark smoothed a hand down Seb’s arm. “Pole winner.”

Sebastian laughed, noting that Mark was still standing pressed into him.

“JB could come up with any number of terrible innuendos.”

“I’m sure,” agreed Mark. “I could come up with a few myself.”

“I’ll bet you could.”

 

They were looking directly into each other’s eyes, neither showing any inclination to move. Sebastian let out another laugh and suddenly all either of them could think about was the sensation that gave them as their bodies pressed together. Seb bit his lip and sent Mark a look through his lashes.

“Oh my god,” smiled Mark. “Have you any idea what you do to me when you do that?”

Sebastian’s cheeks twitched a little and Mark shook his head.

“I think you _do_ know.”

Sebastian laughed again so Mark pretended to narrow his eyes at him.

“Now who’s naughty?”

Seb’s reaction was to try to look innocent, and this time it was Mark who laughed. Then he decided kissing him was better and smiled into it when Seb’s arms went around his neck as he lifted up on his toes to help bring them level. Mark’s hand were wandering down Seb’s back, holding him in. Sebastian was sure his heart had only just started slowing since the rush of qualifying, but now it was right back up there, pounding away in his chest as Mark slipped his fingers under the edge of the towel wound around Seb’s waist.

“Actually I was thinking of something else...” Mark raised a suggestive eyebrow, then glanced down.

“Oh.”

“Mm.”

Mark kissed Seb’s mouth, then his jaw, then leaned in to whisper directly into Seb’s ear.

“Shouldn’t you get a little reward? Hm?”

Sebastian shivered as Mark’s breath ghosted against his skin, making the hairs stand on end for a very different reason to before. Mark moved his head to look at him and saw the way Seb’s mouth hung open slightly.

“Do you like that idea?” invited Mark.

 

Sebastian didn’t think he could speak. His chest was moving up and down, still pressed into Mark’s and all he could do was nod. A wolfish grin spread over Mark’s face. This felt so illicit, so risqué, and with clearer heads they might have thought of the hundreds of people all piled onto the RedBull barge beyond the thin walls of Seb’s room. But they no more thought of them than all the guests thought what Seb and Mark might be doing while they quaffed their champagne and enjoyed themselves in the returned sunshine while the DJ played and the whole town partied around them.

 

Mark’s hand slid lower, then he stepped away a fraction allowing room to move it round inside the towel right to the front, never taking his eyes from Sebastian.

“So?”

Sebastian took in an uneven breath, then glanced past Mark.

“The door’s locked?” he checked.

“Yep.”

Seb wanted to laugh. This was crazy, but it felt like a crazy day. Unreal almost. He felt giddy, and that look in Mark’s eye and the way his hand was sneaking lower was only making his head spin even more. Oh god, they were really going to do this. Somehow knowing that they really _really_ shouldn’t, only made it all the more arousing.

Sebastian threw caution to the wind and his towel with it, pulling it away from where it was folded at his hip. At seeing that decisive move Mark let out a low chuckle that went straight to Seb’s groin as the blood rushed in that direction.

Mark looked down, then raised that teasing eyebrow again.

“Getting started without me darling?”

Sebastian opened his mouth, then could think of nothing to say, so Mark gave him a wink.

“Best be quiet.”

Seb nodded, then as Mark sank to his knees he curled his hands into fists to try to control himself. Mark looked up to be sure he was okay, then kissed his hip bone.

“Just relax and enjoy it darling.”

Seb could only nod again, his brain now convinced that if he made any kind of noise he wouldn’t be able to restrain himself. Mark kissed where he had before, then worked inwards. Sebastian bit his lip hard and closed his eyes. Oh _Christ_.

 

 

 

Ten minutes later Jenson patted his wife’s arm and indicated to point out that Sebastian and Mark had finally reappeared, walking in with their hands linked. He could see Mark leaning in as Seb whispered something in his ear and the pair of them laughing, but it was too busy to hear what they were saying.

 

“I should pay you back later Liebling,” offered Sebastian in a quiet voice as they entered the upper hospitality area.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Your reward darling.”

“I want to.”

“Well.” Mark gave him a wink. “Far be it for me...”

“Maybe a bath? I’d really still like to have a nice bath this evening. Could we do that Liebling?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian reached up a little to whisper into Mark’s ear.

“I promise to make it worthwhile.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Blimey.”

“I mean, you know, within race weekend restrictions.”

“Sounding pretty good to me sweetheart. I’m sure Teddy could use an early night.”

“Aw,” pouted Seb.

“Ah it’ll be fine. Besides, I think we’ve established that we can be very quiet when we need to be.”

Sebastian bit his lip again, hardly able to believe that they had really just done what they had here. He looked to Mark, then smiled again feeling as though he had drunk half a bottle of champagne despite the fact it was only qualifying day. All Mark could think now was how wonderful those lips looked so pink and soft and plump like that. Damn, tonight couldn't arrive fast enough.

 

“Hey,” waved Jenson.

The pair of them looked over and waved back, going to join their friends, both Mark and Seb checking how Teddy was. Sebastian dipped down in front of where Jess still sat on the sofa and stroked over their still sleeping son’s head.

“He’s been an absolute angel,” declared Jessica.

“Thank you so much.”

“Oh, no trouble.”

“Thanks Jess,” added Mark.

Sebastian stood back up and Mark put his arm around him.

“Sorry we took a while.”

Seb fought not to catch Mark’s eye too much. He knew if Mark smiled then he would start laughing.

“You look better Sebby,” noted Jenson. “Got some colour in those cheeks again.”

Mark smiled innocently at Sebastian.

“Just needed a proper warming up didn’t you darling?”

Seb looked back at him, trying to give his husband the message that he was under no circumstances to tease him or that offer of the nice bath together might be out the window.

“Yes you do look better,” added Jess.

Seb turned to her.

“Um, yeah, thanks. I erm, took two showers to really, um, yeah.”

Jenson frowned slightly and Seb knew he was going to crack in a minute.

“You know what Liebling I could use a coffee, do you want one?”

“A little stimulation? Yes, that sounds an excellent idea,” smiled Mark.

“Anyone else want anything?” Seb asked, working to ignore that.

 

Taking orders for drinks, they both went to the little counter up here seeing as the staff looked rushed off their feet. Sebastian turned to Mark and pressed his elbow into his arm.

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Mark I swear to god. You know what Jenson’s like.”

“Ah he doesn’t have a clue sweetheart.”

Seb raised his eyebrows, so Mark relented and leaned in to kiss him.

“My bad. I promise to behave darling.”

“Thank you.”

A young woman came to take their order, then as she went to get it, Mark leaned to whisper into Seb’s ear again.

“And I absolutely promise to make no comments about the merits of pole position.”

Sebastian turned, his mouth open, but Mark couldn't stop grinning. He leaned in again, his voice lost to all but Seb in this busy space.

“Or indeed make any suggestions at all about sitting on po...”

“Don’t you dare,” stopped Seb.

Mark chuckled and slipped his arm around Seb’s waist to pull him in.

“You want to laugh,” he teased.

“I don’t.”

“You do.”

 

Sebastian shook his head, but his cheeks were bunching and the teasing grin on Mark’s face undid him and he started laughing, Mark laughing with him, then kissing his cheek.

“I do love you darling,” Mark vowed, far more seriously.

“I know. I love you too Liebling.”

Sebastian raised up to give Mark a kiss on the lips, not concerned at all about how many people saw this little show of affection now. As they parted Mark just gave him a wink.

“I promise to be good.”

“You’re _very_ good.”

Mark coughed a laugh at that, but before he could tease Seb back their drinks arrived so they thanked the woman and went over to the others.

 

They set the drinks down on the coffee table, then Jenson went to steal an extra chair to bring over, letting the other two sit by Jess on the sofa who carefully passed over Teddy to Seb next to her. She smiled at the way Sebastian looked down at him, letting out a slow breath so as not to disturb the baby.

“Nice to get a cuddle at last?” she guessed.

“Yeah.” Seb dipped his head and kissed Teddy’s forehead. “Thanks again.”

“He’s been good as gold.”

“Usually has a long nap in the afternoon,” noted Mark, reaching to stroke over Teddy’s arm as well.

They both looked down at their son for a moment. Normally they would put him down for a proper nap, but Mark understood why Seb wanted to hold him when he was away working so much here.

“How long have I got?” Seb asked.

Mark checked his watch.

“Ten minutes.”

 

Sebastian nodded, then took the cup Mark passed him to start sipping his drink. The group started chatting, Jenson and Jess taking the chance to congratulate Seb once more.

“I hadn’t realised it had been so long since your last pole if I’m honest,” admitted Jenson.

“Me neither,” Sebastian agreed.

“Feels good huh?”

“Ha, yeah.”

“Aw course it does,” joined in Jessica. “It’s lovely to see you so happy. Both of you, you deserve this.”

“Oh I don’t know about that.”

“Well I do,” intervened Mark. “You definitely deserve it. You were on another level today. That last lap was just sublime.”

Sebastian smiled and sat a little higher.

“Aw you guys are too cute,” laughed Jenson. “Seb’s practically glowing.”

Jessica tsk’d, but her husband merely shrugged.

“It’s nice, that’s all I’m saying.”

“Thanks,” acknowledged Sebastian.

“Very kind of you mate,” Mark added.

“And Monaco,” Jenson continued, “pole here? My my, tomorrow’s gonna be exciting.”

“You’re sure you don’t want to go watch from the garage?” checked Jess. “We could babysit.”

Mark looked to Seb wondering if he wanted the support there.

“I dunno.”

“It’s alright Liebling.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. You’ll probably get a better view of the race from here anyway. It’s so cramped in these garages.”

“Mm.” Mark looked to Jess. “Very kind of you, but I think I’d rather have Teddy with me. It’s sort of reassuring somehow.”

“I think you get enough excitement in here anyway don’t you Liebling?”

Mark looked at the smile on Seb’s face and knew he was teasing him back for before. He huffed a little laugh, then nodded.

“Sure do sweetheart. More than enough.”

He sat forwards and took a drink of his cooling coffee to distract himself from smiling too much at Seb.

“Exciting indeed,” agreed Jenson. “I mean pole’s important anywhere, but quali here, pfff, more important than ever to come first isn’t it Seb?”

Mark nearly choked on the coffee in his mouth.

He gulped as Sebastian spared a hand to rub over his back, a torturingly straight expression on his face.

“Careful Liebling, just swallow that down now.”

 

Mark gripped the arm of the sofa and somehow did as instructed, all the while looking at Seb wondering how the hell he was looking so unaffected now. He coughed, then saw the concerned faces of their friends. Mark reached for a bottle of water and took a drink.

“Sorry.”

“Are you alright?” checked Sebastian.

Mark nodded, then after taking another settling drink of water put the bottle back down.

“Yep, sorry. It just went down the wrong way.”

 

The pair of them looked at one another, both knowing they were playing a game that they really shouldn’t. Then suddenly Britta appeared to the side.

“Hey.”

Sebastian turned his head, the moment broken.

“Oh hey Britta. Is it time?”

“’fraid so.”

Seb took a deep breath, then passed Teddy to Mark.

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head, then leaned in to kiss his cheek. Seb kissed Mark’s in return far more serious now.

“I’m gonna be a while. I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you later. Love you.”

“Love you too darling. Don’t worry, we’re quite happy here.”

Sebastian nodded and stood up, saying goodbye to their friends as well before leaving with Britta to resume his work. He didn’t like leaving them, especially Mark and Teddy, but he really did feel as though he was floating on cloud nine at the moment and the truth was Seb was genuinely excited to go and talk about tomorrow’s race. He couldn't wait to get going. Pole. Pole in _Monaco_. Oh my...

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my...


	226. Monaco Baby - pt 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Race day!  
> It's about time...

* * *

* * *

 

 

Sunday morning Teddy woke his parents shortly before five am and though there was another hour before they really needed to get up, there was no chance any of them were going back to sleep.

Sebastian stood holding his son, smoothing over his back to wind him after his bottle. He wandered over to the large windows of the lounge area of their hotel room, gazing out at the sea in the distance as the first light of dawn reached across the water. Mark came over from having used the bathroom and put his arm around Seb, looking out with him, both of them silent for a minute when they knew that this was probably the only spell of calm reflection they would get all day.

“Dry,” commented Mark eventually.

“For now. Don’t think it’s gonna stay that way for the race.”

“Mm. Oh well, you were amazing in the wet yesterday darling, so perhaps that’s a good thing.”

Sebastian turned to give him a smile so Mark took the opportunity to kiss him, then leaned in to kiss the top of Teddy’s head where it lay on Seb’s shoulder. Teddy moved to look at him, making both his fathers laugh.

“Hey Teddybär,” smiled Seb. “Daddy’s just saying hello.”

He shifted the baby so he could see them both properly and Mark reached to chub Teddy’s cheek.

“I see someone’s wide awake.”

“Maybe he’ll have a nap when we get to the barge?”

“Yeah hopefully.”

“It’s going to fill up early today,” noted Seb.

“Yeah I know. Don’t worry, we’ll get our spot bagsied.”

“I’ve got quite a lot to do.”

“It’s fine sweetheart. You just concentrate on work stuff and you’ll know where to find us if you get a break.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Just focus on the race and don’t worry about anything else.”

 

Sebastian nodded. He was already feeling that strange nervous tension building inside him despite it was being many long hours yet until the race. Mark rubbed over Seb’s arm seeing the slightly pensive expression on his face.

“Alright?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, just… I think I’ll be better once I’m into it. I just want to get with my guys and go over everything again, go over all the strategies, make sure everything's covered.

“Course. Well sooner we get there the better then. Why don’t I take him and you get ready, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

Sebastian passed Teddy to Mark then stretched up to give him a kiss before going into the bathroom. He turned the shower on for it to warm up, then looked over to the large bath thinking that the mat beside it still looked a little damp from where water had splashed out onto it the night before. Seb smiled at the memory and shook his head. That had definitely been a good way to take their minds off things, but this morning was all business. Clear heads needed. He pulled off his pyjamas and stepped into the shower. Time to get going.

  


  


Britta called in extra early, arriving at precisely half past six as she had arranged the day before (which made Mark smile seeing as he had predicted exactly that, right down to looking at his watch ready for the imminent knock on their hotel room door). They were more surprised when Jess and Jenson arrived only ten minutes later. Jenson shrugged as Mark commented on it.

“You did say get here a bit early if we could.”

“It’s very good of you,” assured Sebastian.

“I was just saying if we’re all ready we probably want to get going soon,” added Britta who had gone down to let them in when they rang up, “there are folk out in front already.”

“Is it just fans?” Seb checked.

Britta nodded.

“Believe me. I re-read the riot act to the media yesterday. Time and a place. So we’ve quite a bit of media work lined up this morning.”

Mark gave a flick of his eyebrows at Britta hard-nosed negotiating skills.

“Quid pro quo?” he suggested.

“Quite so. Anyway, just fans,” Britta confirmed. “I’ve no doubt most of the media were out enjoying the town last night anyway. They’re going to want at least another hour before dragging themselves out of their beds.”

 

Sebastian puffed a long breath and stroked over Teddy’s back as he held him. Just fans. If only they didn’t have to worry about their son he probably wouldn't even think twice about them being there, but whether it was paranoia or not, he didn’t want Teddy exposed. 

They had put him in a little hoody for today and Jenson had already joked that they were all matching as a family. Seb looked down at his son; it was true that all three of them wore long shorts with hoodies, but no team branding was on show,  though under  Teddy’s hoody he had his little RedBull t-shirt on (for luck according to Mark). 

“Do you think they might recognise the pram by now?” Seb wondered out-loud.

The others turned to him and Britta shook her head.

“Seb I’ve checked back with the office and no one’s found any pictures put anywhere online. Some of you and Mark, just snatched ones, but none with Teddy.”

Sebastian sighed. He knew he was being paranoid, but he couldn’t help himself.

“I was just thinking if they’re the same people they might join the dots now.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Mark assured him.

Seb nodded, but Jess could see he looked uneasy.

“I did make sure I was wearing a totally different look today,” she pointed out.

Sebastian nodded again as he looked at her. Jess was indeed wearing quite a contrasting outfit to the previous day. Gone was the flowing dress, loose hair and floppy hat. Today she wore neat white capri pants with espadrilles and a stripy boat-neck tunic top, her long hair tucked into an elegant chignon. Only the sunglasses that sat propped on top of her head were the same.

“Yeah, thanks Jess, that was thoughtful,” he offered.

Jessica looked at the pram already loaded up with belongings, then back at Seb holding Teddy.

“Well, okay, why don’t I carry him instead?” she proposed.

“Umm.”

Seb looked to Mark, not sure if he was getting ridiculous about all this, but the idea of those excited fans snapping pictures of their son still unnerved him.

“Would you be able to see him too much?” worried Seb.

“Why don’t we try it?” suggested Jenson.

Sebastian paused, then nodded and handed Teddy to Jessica who held him as he had done, the baby snuggling into her chest as she stroked over his back to reassure him.

“See, I’ve got him,” she assured.

Seb nodded, then Mark stepped in to pull Teddy’s little hood up. It did shield him more, but with his little chubby face resting to the side you could still see him there. Mark gave his son a little smile, wondering what he must be making of all this. Thank god he had taken to Jess, or none of this would work. He took a step to the side, trying to see how visible the baby was.

“I know,” declared Jenson, seeing that Mark wasn’t entirely satisfied.

He pulled off the waterproof windcheater he was wearing and placed it over his wife’s shoulders. Jenson pulled it around a little, then zipped up the bottom part to keep it more closed seeing as it was so big on Jess’s narrow frame.

“What about that?” he asked.

Seb and Mark looked, then turned to Britta for her opinion.

“You can’t really see him now,” agreed Mark.

Britta nodded.

“You’d have to get right up close to see he’s even there, never mind get a picture.” She looked to Seb. “Which nobody will.”

“The only thing is we need to have his life-jacket on,” remembered Mark.

“Oh yeah that’s a point Liebling.”

“Well why don’t we try it?” suggested Jess.

 

She passed Teddy back, then re-fixed the jacket on her shoulders while Mark and Seb went into the bedroom area, laying their son down on the bed to get the life-jacket on him. Teddy wriggled about, not keen at all on being manhandled into the bulky thing, but they succeeded in doing it without him bursting into tears, then lifted him back up. Seb fixed Teddy’s hood in place then handed him back to Jess as Jenson helped tuck his coat around once more.

“Can you hold him properly?” checked Mark.

“Yeah I’ve got him,” she assured. “I just don’t think I’ve ever looked so bulky in my life.”

Jenson laughed as he looked at her. Those slim long legs did look a little odd below the jacket sticking out above.

“Ah you’ll be fine.”

Seb nodded slowly. Just so long as she didn’t trip seeing as her hands weren’t free.

“It’s not actually wet out is it?” he checked.

“No just not very warm,” stated Britta. “Changeable all day by the looks of it.”

“Okay.”

“So what do you think?”

Sebastian looked to Mark who nodded as well.

“Yeah worth a go. Just as long as no one looks too close.”

Jenson held up a hand.

“Ah now about that bit. I really should have thought of this yesterday, so dense not to, but I’m gonna go out via the front door.”

“Hm?”

Jenson smiled.

“Why would they be looking out at the pavement opposite when they have the thrill of getting a pic with this ugly mug?” he proposed, already striking a pose. “Too early in the day for ‘Blue Steel’ do you think?”

All the other laughed as Jenson pouted and preened, then cracked up.

“See. Genius, right? I’ll keep them busy and make sure they’re all looking my way while you make your escape.”

“Sounds good mate,” agreed Mark. “Thanks.”

“Ah it’s no bother. I can get my ego stroked for a few minutes and remember my glory days.”

Jessica rolled her eyes as Sebastian took the baby back for a moment.

“Right then,” decided Britta. “Sounds like a plan. I’ll take the pram down now unless you don’t want it now?”

“Um actually I think we’ve got used to having it for storage if nothing else,” admitted Mark.

“Plus if he needs a lie down,” added Seb.

“Fine. Give me five minutes. The boat-taxi is already on stand-by.”

“Blimey he’s patient,” commented Jenson.

Britta laughed.

“Oh he’s getting paid plenty by the team believe me.”

“This is his beano weekend for the year I’m sure,” concurred Mark.

“Indeed. Right, hang tight here then.”

“Oh one mo.”

Mark folded down the pram hood and dumped his backpack into it. Sebastian frowned, so he explained.

“If by any chance someone does recognise the pram it’ll be obvious no kid’s in there.”

“Oh, okay.”

Mark opened the door for Britta.

“Need a hand?”

“Nope. I can manage. Be right back.”

 

  


Five minutes later they were stood by the back staff entrance to the hotel once more. Jess stood with Teddy bundled into her, sunglasses on ready as they opened the door into the alley. Mark buzzed Jenson’s phone to give the signal and she stepped outside with a reassuring nod. They waited just a moment, then followed her out, going a little closer than the previous day, but not so close that it was obvious they were together or so you could easily get both in one shot. Mark slipped his hand into Seb’s, knowing they both found this hard, even if their son was only a feet away.

Over the road Jenson was already in full swing stood just outside the front entrance to the hotel. Joking jovially with the crowd of perhaps twenty fans, he stood smiling and pulling silly faces as they all hurried to get pictures on phones and cameras. Jenson surreptitiously glanced out across the road to see his unusually shaped wife already walking swiftly by, trying not to look over at him, the small group behind lagging only perhaps twenty feet as they forced themselves to not catch up. Jenson gave the fans facing him with their backs to the road another wining smile, determined that he should be the sole focus of their attention.

“Ah you’re making me feel popular,” he teased. “Anyone got a pen and I’ll sign stuff?”

In the background Jess was approaching the gate which Britta had left open for her and Jenson smiled even wider as he whizzed his autograph onto every bit of F1 memorabilia shoved towards him.

“You guys are keen. Now then, anyone want a selfie?” he offered. “I’ve had my teeth whitened specially.”

  


On the far side of the road Mark squeezed Seb’s hand in his as they noticed Jess had disappeared down the path to the jetty.

“All good,” he smiled with a subtle nod to the gathered crowd over by the hotel entrance, all facing away from them.

“I guess I should have just done it myself and let you go with Teddy so we didn’t have all this fuss.”

Mark shook his head.

“Nah, we’re covered this way. Besides I bet JB’s having a whale of a time. Nobody does that stuff like he does.”

Sebastian smiled and squeezed Mark’s hand back as they picked up their pace to catch Jess and Teddy up.

Over by the hotel entrance, Jenson grinned and ducked in next to a woman who informed him she had come all the way from Scotland to be here this weekend.

“Ha, you’ll be used to this damp weather then,” he joked as she checked her shot had worked. “Very nice, you’ve got my best side there.”

As he stood back up Jenson could see the others going through the jetty gate down the road. He posed for another picture, then sighed.

“Guys I’m so sorry, but I have to dash. This has been fun though.”

He looked out towards the empty road, only thinking now how he could shake the group to make sure nobody thought following him was a good idea.

“Hope you all get good spots for the race.” Jenson leaned in a little to the fans as if sharing a confidence. “Now just between you and me, I’m pretty sure saw Valtteri Bottas coming down to breakfast. I’m sure if you catch his eye crossing the lobby he’d be more than happy to come do a few squiggles for you. Lovely chap. Right, gotta go. Thanks all.”

Jenson squeezed out from the group, then as he went to step away he peered back at the hotel entrance.

“Oh was that him there?” he asked, pretending with all his might to have just caught a glimpse of the Mercedes driver inside.

 

As one the group of fans all hurried to peer in through the glass of the closed hotel doors, only staying back because of the firm stare the doorman gave them. While they were distracted Jenson crossed over and jogged down the road to get to the jetty gate, pulling it closed and slotting the bolt before coming down the path to the jetty. He grinned broadly as he saw the others already sat in the boat waiting for him.

“Just call me a devious mastermind,” he suggested as he climbed in to sit next to his wife.

As the boatman cast off and started the engine Jessica shook her head.

“I may call you many things, but that’s not the first description to spring to mind.”

Jenson shook his head sadly at being underappreciated, but as the others thanked him his wife gave him a kiss on the cheek and he put his arm around her, knowing that was just how they were and they would both enjoy teasing each other about their roles in this for some time to come after their friends had left.

  


  


 

  


For Mark the morning seemed to drag interminably despite his friends being around to pass the time. For Seb by contrast the hours flew by, filled with obligations to the team to smile for important sponsors while he would far rather by with his engineers and strategists or the mechanics prepping the car. He did want to be with his family too of course, but Sebastian had resigned himself to only getting a couple of short breaks with them. Just before midday he sat down in hospitality with a puff.

“Hello,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian smiled back.

“Sorry. Hey everyone.”

“This your lunch break?” Mark checked.

“Yeah. I ordered already at the counter. Hope you don’t mind. I don’t have long.”

“That’s fine.” 

Mark glanced to see that the support race was finishing on the television and cocked an ear to wait for the track to quiet once the cars had all stopped running, then he stood to remove Teddy’s ear-protectors as he lay in his pram.

“Just been having a mini snooze,” Mark informed Sebastian.

“Ah right.”

“I helped change his nappy,” announced Jessica sounding remarkably proud of herself.

Mark smiled as he sat down.

“She did indeed. JB nobly stayed behind to save our seats.”

Sebastian chuckled, then thanked the waitress who brought his meal and started tucking into it, trying to fill the others in on what he had been doing between mouthfuls. Although it was quiet on track now, the base was still pretty noisy and it seemed Teddy picked up on it. He woke and instantly started wailing on finding himself alone in his pram. Mark scooped him out, jigging him a little.

“Alright mate, here I am. Shh. Look, Papa’s here too.”

He sat down beside Sebastian who put down his fork to console their son.

“Hey Schatz.”

Seb smoothed away the tears from under the baby’s eyes, but Teddy pressed his face towards Mark’s chest.

“Bottle maybe?” decided Mark. “Jense mate could you do us a favour and go ask for a jug of hot water? Say it’s for us and they’ll know what we need.”

“Oh okay. Sure.”

Jenson bobbed up while Mark stroked over Teddy’s back and Seb abandoned his lunch for a moment to fetch a made-up bottle out from one of the bags under the pram parked by their sofa.

“Shall I take him?” he offered.

“When do you need to go?”

Sebastian puffed and looked at his watch.

“Fifteen minutes.”

“Well, best eat up first.”

Seb nodded and reluctantly continued eating, trying not to rush it seeing as the last thing he needed today was indigestion. Jenson returned with the requested hot water and took the bottle to pop it in to warm up. By the time Seb was finished Mark was half way through feeding their son, but he saw the way his husband looked at the baby.

“I’ve got five minutes,” pointed out Seb.

“Sure. Here you go then.”

Mark watched as Sebastian held Teddy in his arms, knowing that even on a day like today Seb wished he had more time for him.

“Just think, be home this time tomorrow,” he commented. “It’ll feel quiet won’t it?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Yeah.”

“Looking forwards to some peace?” asked Jessica.

 

Seb nodded, then smiled at Mark. Home. Nobody bothering them, no fans outside to avoid, no media obligations to keep them in check, just open fields and countryside, the dogs to walk along muddy footpaths, Pauline to come  round  and fuss over him no mater how the race went later today. He’d already had a text from her wishing him luck along with countless ones from his family and Mark’s.

“Don’t fancy sticking around?” asked Jenson.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Thanks but no thanks mate.”

He looked to Seb and they shared a smile. Monaco had its attractions, but all this cramped bustling showiness was most definitely not for them.

“Actually we’re going to visit my family next weekend,” stated Sebastian.

“Oh are you? That’s nice,” replied Jess. “For the whole weekend?”

“Just the day. We can use the plane you see, nip over and back.”

“I see.”

“We’ve only got ten days until we head out to Canada after this.”

“Of course. Well I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to see you.”

Sebastian nodded. When he had spoken to his family this morning before starting work he had felt guilty that he hadn’t found a way to arrange getting them here to watch the race in person, but everything felt so hectic and he wasn’t sure he could cope dealing with anything else on top, even if that did feel selfish.

“Course they will,” concurred Mark. “Be good for Teddy to be able to play a bit more with his little cousin Sofie now.”

That brought a smile from Seb as Mark intended.

“Yeah that’ll be nice.”

“You’re going to Canada then,” noted Jenson looking to Mark. “I thought you were just doing the European races?”

“Oh well, we just meant this run of them really. He’s doing better on flights these days isn’t he sweetheart?”

“Better than he was, yeah,” agreed Sebastian.

He gazed down to Teddy who looked up with those blue eyes and Sebastian smiled  back . The truth was he just wanted his son and Mark with him. It would be better in Montreal. The whole town didn’t go crazy with the race. Certainly not in the all-consuming way they did here. They’d be alright.

 

“Seb.”

Sebastian looked up to see Mark nodding over. He turned and saw Britta approaching.

“Time’s up I guess.” Seb passed Teddy to Mark and gave him a kiss. “I’ll give you a wave from the parade.”

“Sure. We’ll wave back sweetheart.”

Sebastian stood and pulled on his jacket as he said goodbye to the others.

“I’ll only have time to swing through to change after.”

“That’s fine,” nodded Mark. “Just come via here, yeah?”

“Yep. Later then.”

With that Sebastian was gone and Mark let out a long sigh as he looked down to Teddy.

“Time’s-a-ticking kiddo.”

Teddy simply sucked on his milk, so Mark gave him a smile, glad that his son had none of the worries his father carried. He was trying to suppress his worries about the dangers of the start here in Monaco, hell the dangers all race long with the barriers so close and unpredictable weather added in to boot. Mark looked into those blue eyes and told himself to remain calm. Seb was good in the wet or the dry. He had years of experience here. He was a good driver. He would be fine,  _fine_ . Just so long as someone else didn’t drive into him or his car let him down.

“You alright mate?” checked Jenson.

“Hm?” Mark looked up and nodded. “Just waiting for the off now.”

Jenson nodded back. The whole town was.

  


  


  


It didn’t seem long since Mark had been raising Teddy’s little hand to wave at his father on screen as he went around the track on the drivers’ funbus  before Sebastian was back with them in person. Seeing as this was their last bit of time together, they took their son with them to accompany Seb to his room while he changed.

“So it’s not actually raining,” commented Mark.

Sebastian shuffled his race-suit up his body.

“No. There was a bit of drizzle, but the track didn’t look too bad.”

Mark smiled at knowing Seb would have been doing a little reconnoitre at the same time as smiling and waving at the crowds.

“I suppose the team are studying the predictions.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “Problem is they keep changing. You know how this place can be a bit of a micro-climate.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian finished fixing his race-suit closed and came to sit with Mark on the bed.

“It’ll be okay. We’re all in the same boat.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Darling if you’re in a boat something has gone seriously awry with your race.”

Seb laughed and shook his head before leaning in to Teddy.

“Daddy’s silly.”

“Yeah he is,” agreed Mark. “C’mere.”

He shifted Teddy to balance in one arm on his knee and put the other arm around Seb to give him a hug.

“You’re great on days like this. Days that sort the men from the boys.”

“And which am I?” teased Seb.

Mark kissed his cheek.

“Definitely a man darling. A racer. The best.”

“The best?”

“The best. And I know you’re going to go great today, but remember, whatever happens we’re here waiting for you, watching and cheering you on. We love you. No matter what. That never changes.”

Sebastian smiled, though a part of him wanted to cry at that.

“Thank you Liebling. I love you too.”

“I know.” Mark took a deep breath. “So, no matter what, but I really think this is your day. You can do this. You can win.”

Seb nodded. He could win. It had been a hell of a long time since he had here, but he had done it before. 2011 as the FOM interviewer had only just reminded him during the drivers’ parade. Six years in which his entire life had changed. His personal life anyway. Not so very everything changed in F1. He could still win. He could do that.

“Last time you were on pole here,” commented Mark, no need to finish that sentence.

“I know.”

“Counts for a lot round this place.”

“Yeah.”

And it could all go to hell in less time that it took to blink your eyes, they both knew that as well.

Seb leaned more into Mark and rested his head on his shoulder, just taking a minute, just one more minute.

There was a knock on the door. Britta. It was time.

  


  


  


By the time the cars were all lined up on the grid Mark was starting to think he might have to do some deep breathing exercises to keep calm. It looked like total pandemonium down there on the grid as race teams fought for space with random celebrities wandered amongst the cars, half of them looking at them as if they were space-rockets that had fallen to ground, the other half seeming far more interested in being seen than seeing anything for themselves. The gridwalk playing on TV wasn’t helping Mark’s nerves as Martin Brundle went on about the drizzle getting heavier and speculating as to whether teams ought to be starting the race on inters or not.

Then all of a sudden it was time for the national anthem and the camera cut to show the drivers lined up at the front in a neat row. It panned across to find Sebastian stood next to Lewis just as he would be on the grid. As the music played Sebastian looked dead ahead, his eyes pointed towards that first corner, Sainte Devote, the graveyard of many a driver’s hopes and dreams in the Monaco Grand Prix.

Mark kissed the top of Teddy’s head.

“That darling, is called focus,” he whispered, “and Papa’s the best.”

  


As soon as the anthem finished Sebastian turned around, only a polite nod to his friend before they both fought their way back to their cars on the grid. Britta was by Seb’s side, her glare ready to fend off anyone who thought it might be a good idea to try to grab a quick chat with her charge at this crucial moment.

Seb looked up at the grey sky above the trees to his left, then over the other way up towards the cliffs that bound the principality. He could feel the drizzle, but it wasn’t  _rain_ as such, certainly nothing to yesterday. Seb looked  down  at the tarmac as he reached his car; damp but not soaking wet. Mechanics stood around holding tyre warmers in place and Seb looked to Christian as he came over from taking a quick walk down to Dan’s car sadly much further down the road.

“We still think inters,” his boss pronounced.

Sebastian nodded. It was tricky: Too little grip at the start with damp track and it was goodnight Vienna. Nobody wanted to wind up on the cobbles at the run-off at St Devote, your race done before you even started up the hill. Then again if this drizzle petered out and the track dried quickly, someone on dry tyres could have an enormous advantage as the rest dove into the pits to switch. Here in Monaco where overtaking could be nigh on impossible, strategy was everything.

“Is everyone agreed?” Seb enquired.

He got a selection of nods from those surrounding his car and Seb nodded back.

“Any one risking it?”

“We’re just double-checking. There’s still just about time to swap,” stated his engineer.

Sebastian glanced at the stacked tyre trolley to the side with dry tyres on ready just in case.

“What’s Lewis on?” he asked quietly.

“Inters.”

Sebastian nodded back.

“I think we stick, agreed?” checked Christian.

“Yeah.”

“We’re just gonna have to react fast.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh. He was going to have to do that all day.

  


Jess and Jenson had fallen silent along with Mark as the start got ever closer. Mark sat with Teddy on his knee, his arms wrapped around him much the same as Sebastian had done on the boat that morning, holding him against his chest almost as if he was strapped in like Seb was strapped into his car. The camera homed in on Seb right now, sat there with his team all around, Antti holding a golf umbrella over him to keep Seb as dry as he could. It still wasn’t raining  as such , but Mark knew there would be spray so it made sense for Seb to not get any wetter before he had to. The commentary was discussing the weather yet again, but despite all those graphics of rain radars and percentage predictions, nobody could say anything with real confidence. It was all up in the air.

 

Soon the cars were off on their installation lap, the grid emptying of team personnel. Mark took a deep breath in. He could hear the cars running through the windows as well as on TV. Teddy had his ear-protectors popped on, but apart from the engines it seemed the whole of Monaco had gone quiet now in anticipation. Mark was almost sure that his heart must be audible it was beating so hard. He didn’t know how he was going to endure nearly two hours of this. Assuming Seb was still going all the way through  to the end of the race . Oh god. Mark pushed the breath out, stopping himself from squeezing Teddy in. Maybe he should put him down in his pram, but Mark couldn't let go of him. They were coming round now, past Rascasse, up the slight hill, rounding back to the starting grid  all lining up for the off .

Mark thought he might be sick.

  


  


Sebastian pulled up into his grid-spot trying to convince his whole body to remain calm. He knew what he had to do. Seb glanced sideways to see that Lewis in p2 had his car pointed inwards, already planning to cut in, with the idea that he could zoom off the line, make the corner first ahead of Sebastian, take the racing line and be off away up the hill, advantage stolen. 

Seb knew he couldn’t let that happen. He had to reach that corner  _first_ , no mistakes, no hesitation, no glitches with the clutch as he accelerated. Oh and he had to be certain not to overdo it and skid off straight-ahead as he turned into the right-handed bend past Ste Devote. He just had to be perfect and hope Lewis wasn’t better, hope the Mercedes powerful engine didn’t shoot him ahead, hope Bottas or anyone else behind didn’t do something reckless and run into the back of him.

Seb turned his eyes forward. The only thing he could control was himself, and by extension the car he drove.

“C’mon girl,” he whispered. “don’t let me down today.”

He left off the  _please_ . They were in this together. He had to be one with the car and not let it down either. 

 

The lights were coming on ahead, his engine was revving, everything posed ready for the lights to go out as every nerve in Sebastian’s body felt on edge as though it was revving up as well. Somewhere in the back of his mind Seb heard Mark’s voice repeating that familiar refrain:  _Adrenalin keeps you sharp, keeps you safe._ Adrenalin was his friend. He had to harness it.

The lights went out and Sebastian hardly had to think at all as he went through the routine practised over and over and over. Foot down on the accelerator, balancing the clutch, through the gears, point dead ahead and hope you don’t need to pay too much attention to anyone else. Be first, brake just enough to stay in control into the corner, then power up the hill on the racing line.

Sebastian did just that. For once everything worked exactly as it should and his car leapt off the line. It was only as he straightened the wheel after turn one that he appreciated that Lewis  _hadn’t_ been there to fight him for it. Sebastian glanced in his mirrors, risking peering in through the spray to see that though there was a silver car behind him, it wasn’t accompanied by a yellow helmet. It wasn’t Lewis in second. It was Bottas. 

He had no time to think about what had gone wrong for his opponent as Sebastian reached Massenet at the top of the hill and found out how much wetter it was around the Casino. He slowed cautiously and eased the car around, the car behind doing the same as they wound their way past the grand buildings before heading down Mirabeau past the park, down towards Loews Hairpin at what felt like a snail’s pace.

  
  


“Whoof,” laughed Jenson back at the base. “Oh dear, Lewis is going to be fuming now.”

Mark merely nodded. It looked as though Lewis had either suffered wheelspin at the start or perhaps just fluffed things with the clutch. Either way Sebastian had shot away, Valtterri in hot pursuit as Lewis was left doing his best to make sure he didn’t lose out any more by allowing anybody else past. Mark let out the breath he had been holding, then pulled a face at seeing Sebastian’s back end flick out as he straightened up out of the hairpin. Thankfully he got it back and Valtteri was smart enough not to run too close, particularly when Lewis had fallen away slightly leaving a decent gap. Only good positioning of his car had prevented other cars passing Lewis and now he was attempting to recover things, but all of them were finding their way on this first lap. Nobody wanting to find out too late that it was unwise to push in an unseen wet patch. 

One of the back-markers who had risked dry tyres had driven straight off at Sainte Devote,  so whilst all seemed steady at the front, the television coverage chose to show the car doing a horribly slow three point turn to get back on track, the driver lucky not to have hit the tyre wall. He made his way on though, heading up the hill where the rest of the field had long since passed.

Cutting back to the front they could see that Bottas was still taking care not to get too close to Sebastian in front as he tiptoed through the harbour chicane, then raised his speed a little before slowing again for Tabac and on past the swimming pool. Soon they had completed a full lap and were past the start finish straight and on up the hill once more, just a fraction more confident having gone through there before. Towards the back there had been a couple of passes achieved as those on dry tyres found they were in trouble, struggling for grip and left with no choice but to put up only minimal fights to hold position before giving in and letting faster cars through. 

Mark was just beginning to calm down a little, reflecting that Bottas was a cool head who would probably rather not risk a dangerous pass here when he could rely on the team to try something with strategy to attempt to get by. FOM was showing Lewis pushing to catch up, noting his sector times were better than either of the drivers at the front, but Mark knew that meant nothing unless he could both catch and pass them, which was harder on these narrow streets than anywhere else on the F1 calendar.

“ _Ohh_ that’s messy!” shouted Brundle on the commentary.

 

Mark just about jumped out of his skin at the exclamation, Teddy instantly bursting into tears as the movement of his body shocked him. Mark spared a hand to rub his leg.

“Sorry darling, sorry.”

All of them were leaning in to look what had happened, but it soon became clear that it was another of the cars on slicks, this time Stroll in the Williams who had pushed too hard through the seemingly drier part of the track passing the swimming pool, crashing in almost the same place as Daniel had the day before in qualifying. His front wing was in the middle of the track as his car sat spread along the outside armco on the exit of the chicane, but the driver was already out of the car, now trudging disconsolately away.

Mark sighed in relief, then turned his attention to his crying son once more. He moved the headphone closest to him over slightly and placed his cheek by Teddy’s to speak softly into his ear.

“Oh sweetheart I’m sorry. It just gave me a fright. It’s okay, it’s not Papa. Look darling the boy’s walking away, just made a mess.”

Teddy was still howling though, so Mark stood jigging him, one eye on the screen to see that the safety car was coming out as the crashed car and all the debris was cleared. He stroked over Teddy’s back, hushing him even though he knew his son couldn't hear him. As the car was shown being hoisted unceremoniously up out of the way by one of the cranes sat around the track for this purpose, Mark watched as Sebastian picked his way through the smashed pieces of carbon-fibre strewn across the track. He was praying, as indeed Seb was, that he had avoided going over any of it and thus getting a puncture or damaging his car.

He looked okay, but as the cars bunched up behind the safety car all that gap the front two had built up disappeared and Lewis who had been pushing to catch up was right back with them. Mark sighed and rocked Teddy slightly to sooth him, then looked to Jess and Jenson.

“Sorry.”

Jess shook her head, as did her husband.

“Is he alright?” asked Jenson.

“Yeah. My fault.” Mark pulled his sleeve over his thumb to dry Teddy’s eyes, then kissed his cheek. “Sorry darling. Silly Daddy scaring you. Shh baby, it’s okay, it’s okay darling, everything's fine.”

He made his voice calm and breathed slowly to encourage his heart-rate to slow. Then when he was sure it was, Mark shifted Teddy lower and placed his uncovered ear over his heart for him to listen, rocking his upper body to help soothe him and alternating looking down at his son to flicking to check the screen to be sure that all the cars were still safely pootling around the track behind the safety car.

“There now,” Mark smiled down to his son as he quieted. “That’s better sweetheart. Ah dear.” 

Mark leaned in to kiss Teddy’s nose, then decided that now he had calmed, his son would probably be better off lying in his pram rather than risk giving him another fright, especially when the risk of mishaps around this track were so high. He carefully placed him down, as delicately as possible moving the noise-cancelling headphone back into place so Teddy could rest peacefully. Mark smiled down at him and stroked Teddy’s cheek, then shifted the pram to be right next to the sofa and sat down again, keeping a hand on the pram to gently push and pull it back and forth to try to rock his son to sleep.

  


  


It took quite a while for the car and all the debris to be cleared away, giving FOM plenty of time to replay the incident showing how Stroll had gone too far over the damp kerbs and lost control of the car. Then just one lap after they got going again, Palmer went right into the barrier at Massenet at the top of the hill and to top it off Ericsson in a Haas drove into the back of him and consequently soon the whole field was trailing behind the safety car once more. 

Sebastian at the front sighed inside his helmet. Crawling around at this speed meant his tyres were cooling even further than they had already and you had to be so careful round here when it came to weaving to keep them warm seeing as the barriers were closer then anywhere else.

As he went past the rear of the pits Sebastian had plenty of time to clock the pitboard counting down the laps. Only lap 14? It felt as though they had been going longer than that, but seeing as things had been so slow Seb knew he was just feeling a little frustrated. He was dying to actually go racing. Passing a packed grandstand however, it crossed Seb’s mind that what he felt must be nothing to those who had actually paid to watch this spectacle. But that was they way it went. The risk of racing here raised the stakes, but when those risks were fulfilled and someone crashed this was what happened. As a racing fan Sebastian would want an exciting, action-packed event, as the driver of the car in the lead, Seb would have to confess to being quite happy with a dull procession to the flag just so long as he led it.

  


Going so slowly Seb had plenty of time to think and he had to remind himself to stay on task. Then rounding La Rascasse once more, Sebastian put his foot down and was almost surprised by the level of grip he felt on the exit. He had to take care not to accelerate too much in case he got too close to the Mercedes safety car in front. He smiled a little ironically to himself at the thought he had silver Mercedes in front and behind and again behind that. He was surrounded, but he wasn’t sure how long that situation was likely to continue, so Seb got on to the radio.

“Do we have any idea how long safety car’s staying out?” he enquired.

“Um, not actual ETA, but they’re having to fix the armco so a while yet.” There was a pause as his engineer grasped why Sebastian was asking. “Forecast down to thirty percent for any further rain.”

“Yeah.”

“How’s the grip?”

“Wetter up by Casino.”

“Okay.”

Seb was heading slowly uphill now, plenty of time to see the workers fixing the barrier at the top where one car after another had done enough damage to dent it by the join, thus making it dangerous and requiring repair. The radio came back on in his ear.

“How is it up there now?”

Sebastian waited a moment to straighten up onto Mirabeau Haute, then answered.

“Better than it was. Is anyone else asking?”

“Mm, Hamilton has been on to his team.”

Sebastian huffed a silent laugh. That didn’t surprise him at all. Lewis was bound to be looking for any possible way to recover this race and surely now all the teams had to be considering pitting under safety car, but that would only work if the driver wasn’t going to crash the moment they were back up to full speed.

“Okay,” replied Seb non-committally.

“Okay so?” pressed his engineer.

So give me a sec, thought Seb now going around the hairpin. He wanted to see how it felt heading downhill towards Portier seeing as the water could puddle there, but Sebastian knew the team needed enough time to prepare if he was going to come in. Surely they had to be on stand-by already if they were having this conversation, but you couldn’t leave it too late.

“Okay so yes.”

“Yes?” double-checked his engineer.

“Yes. It’s time to switch.”

He was into the tunnel as he re-confirmed and Seb had to hope the communication had gone over without interference. The track in here of course was far drier than anywhere else and Seb was already looking forward to really putting his foot down on slick tyres soon. As a child, seeing drivers whizz through the tunnel, lights flickering as they passed, had always been a highlight and it still felt a pleasure, but then he was back out again and Seb was immediately on the radio to check they were expecting him in before sparing a glance out towards the water on his left. The sky above was definitely far lighter now. No sign of dark clouds over beyond the palace either. It was going to dry up.

  


Taking a deep breath, Mark watched as Sebastian dived into the pitlane, the crew already waiting to pounce in a rehearsed synchronised action as all four wheels were changed, a tweak of front wing to take advantage of drier conditions and he was on his way as the mechanics didn’t even have time for a high five before Dan was in from much further back to do the same thing.

It wasn’t just RedBull, nearly all the teams were rushing through the same process now, the decision of the front runners causing a chain reaction forcing everyone to make the call or fear being left behind. As the leader Sebastian was in an advantageous position in as much as so long as the team made no mistakes he shouldn’t have to avoid anyone else in the pitlane seeing as they were at least a crucial second or more behind, but when he rejoined the track Seb found he wasn’t actually the leader any more. A couple of the back-markers had chosen not to pit and therefore having stayed out, they naturally ran ahead.

“Who’s in the lead?” asked Sebastian.

“Bottas.”

“Bottas?”

“He didn’t pit. Lewis did.”

Seb frowned. Why would Mercedes not pit their lead car first? Surely that made no sense? But then if it had been Lewis pushing to switch tyres perhaps it did. If Bottas had stayed out it could mean more trouble for Seb than trying to squeeze by some slower cars in his way though. It could mean regaining the lead was almost impossible. He hoped to god he had made the right decision. 

The tyres were nice and warm on his car at the moment and the grip wasn’t terrible, but where the asphalt was still a little damp Seb had to be extra careful. There certainly wasn’t any more drizzle though and even the bit of spray was minor now. Seb was sure he had made the correct call. Lewis was right behind him and Seb suspected that they had similar opinions on what was possible. Then as they came around the lower part of the track once more, the radio came alive again to inform him.

“Bottas pitting this lap. We think safety car in next time.”

Ah, thought Seb. That explained it. Last chance for him. He wondered where the other Mercedes car would come out. With half a lap gone Sebastian had only just begun to catch up to the trail of unpitted cards behind the safety car as he reached the harbourside. On this winding track he couldn't quite see where Valtteri was and when he went into the pit entry. He had to wait until they were all the way around, coming past the back of the pits inside the tree-lined start-finish straight.

Sebastian has his eyes peeled as he got alongside the pit exit lane. Then there was the other silver car just beginning to come out, close, but not close enough and as it turned out, not close enough to squeak in ahead of his own team-mate. Bottas had to slot into the tiny gap behind Lewis.

“Bottas net third,” came the radio. “Safety car in at the end of this lap.”

“Copy,” replied Sebastian, his mind already on the restart and the fact he had both Lewis behind him and even with another two slower cars having pitted along with Bottas, there were still two sat in front of him. That could complicate matters seeing as their position was genuine and earned no blue flags to tell them to shift out of his way.

Sebastian looked in his mirrors. He couldn’t let Lewis jump him, but at least that was easier said than done around here. 

“The Sauber ahead is going to pit,” he was informed.

Huh? Thought Seb. What the hell? They were pitting effectively  _after_ the safety car. That made no sense seeing as it would without doubt throw them from near the front to the back of the field. Someone had to have bodged that call. But then it wasn’t his problem. He just had to wait for the safety car going in, be ready for the restart and watch out for what the hell the car in front and the car behind did when that happened.

  


When it did, Seb knew all he could do was go for it. Sebastian was expecting to have to make his car as wide as possible to block Lewis trying anything, but then his attention flew to the Haas in front of him as it literally pulled out of his way as if waving him through. Seb had no time to think whether Magnussen could be confused enough to believe he ought to have blue flags, or whether he had been advised that there was no point fighting faster cars. All he could do was drive past, Lewis behind doing exactly the same. Then it was game on, pedal down and all his energies focussed on managing pushing back up to race speed, whilst at the same time judging where parts of the track still had hazardous damp patches and either avoiding them or slowing just enough to prevent crashing. 

  


“There’s definitely a clear racing line now,” observed Jenson from his comfortable position on the sofa back at the base.

Mark nodded. He was still unconsciously pushing and pulling Teddy back and forth in his pram despite the fact the baby was asleep now. He looked to see that his son was really settled, then finally let go of the pram, nervously lacing his fingers together as Mark looked back to the screen. Then he hissed through his teeth as the back end of Lewis’s car skidded away slightly as he turned for Portier.

“Ooof,” puffed Jenson, pulling a face.

Mark said nothing. Whilst the television was showing Lewis busily recovering his car and pushing on, Mark was trying to see how Seb was doing. He peered forwards, looking at the tail end of his car in front, even though he knew doing so made things no clearer. Lewis was lucky seeing as he had his own team-mate behind and Bottas had done all he could to slow so as not to hit him. Another driver might have tried to squeeze by to take advantage, but the odds of succeeding would have been exceedingly slim and if both Mercedes cars were taken out at Monaco, Mark suspected that Niki and Toto might be vying to strangle the pair of them.

  


Sebastian didn’t need telling to push, a quick glance in the mirrors showed silver much further back than it had been previously and he knew he had to capitalise. First lap after a safety car when the track wasn’t yet dry meant an adventure to put it mildly, but Sebastian had registered everything he could on those slow laps and the racing line really was pretty much dry except for a few hazardous spots lying in the shadow of buildings or where water trickled downhill. Every lap the cars ran would dry it further and far quicker than any other bit of ground in the principality, but Seb couldn't wait for it to dry before racing as fast, or even faster than he dared. He was ahead and he had to make the most of it.  


  


Mark sat back a fraction as he watched the gap extend, then sat forwards again as it became apparent that Lewis was pushing to get back. Soon he was close, with his team-mate not far behind and all they could do was watch as the front three went round, lap after lap.

“Will he try to overtake, Lewis that is?” asked Jess.

Mark turned to her and puffed a little breath.

“He’s not forcing anything. Round here…” Mark gave a shake of his head. “I dunno. It looks a lot narrower when you’re in the car.”

“Ha, I’ll say,” agreed Jenson. He peered at the timing data on screen as well now. “Hmm, he’s backing off.”

“Radio call,” presumed Mark.

Right on cue the television played a radio exchange between Mercedes and their drivers telling them both that they were running too close together and in contrast to the problem with cold tyres earlier, now they were in danger of overheating and they had to drop back to prevent wearing them out. Something else was said and as Mark and Jenson looked at each other Jess frowned.

“Was that code for something?” she asked.

Jenson nodded.

“I’d say so yeah.”

“They’re gonna try the pass in the pits,” agreed Mark.

“But Seb’s team can hear that too,” noted Jessica.

“Yep.”

“So they have to know.”

“Yep.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Chess at 200 miles an hour, well maybe not all the way around here, but yeah, so all the strategists are working overtime right now, looking at every scenario.”

Jessica nodded. It was fascinating to think how much brain-power went into all this. Jenson saw it more from the driver’s point of view of course, but Jess wondered how they managed when a decision from an engineer sat looking at a computer could change their whole race, potentially winning or losing it based on when they changed their tyres.

  


Sebastian had similar thoughts at the back of his mind. He had been informed that those behind him had been told to drop back and if he was truthful, it was a relief to feel a modicum of the pressure on him lifted, but with every corner, every turn of the wheel, every push on the brake there was still pressure here like nowhere else. If he screwed up and instead of kissing those barriers he passed, Seb went just a few millimetres too close it wouldn't be sparks but a crunch and then it was a broken wing, broken suspension or worse and all that two second gap to the Mercedes would mean would be the chance for them to avoid joining his accident.

 

He kept going, doing his best to stay focussed on the job in hand, doing exactly what he needed to and the laps ticked down. Seb knew that having pitted earlier for dry tyres threw their ordinary strategy out of the window here. They would have to compromise somewhere – either struggle on with worn-out tyres and hold out for a later pit, or do the reverse – pit earlier and have worse tyres near the end. Neither option was ideal. In a normal race on a more normal track you would have the third option of an extra pit perhaps fifteen laps from the end on the softest tyre and just go hell for leather to regain places as others dropped off. You couldn’t do that here though. Not unless you were convinced you could find miraculous ways to overtake. It might be worth a punt for a talent stuck further back, but Seb knew he had to do all he could to protect his lead.

  


Lap 45 and as Mark watched the times he knew the team had to be thinking of pitting. Sebastian had been pushing all the way on a now dry track, but now those laptimes were falling away. He wasn’t the only one. Many further back where making the call and diving into the pits. Then suddenly the cameras cut to show the Mercedes team out in the pitlane, tyres at the ready and RedBull had to react. Soon the radio call was going out and all Mark and indeed Seb could do was hope it all went well. The teams rehearsed this, over and over all year round, but Monaco had the most pressured pitstops of the entire season. 

  


Sebastian threaded his way into the pit entry, knowing at least one of the cars behind was about to do the same. He pulled up to a sharp stop, no time to even look as the mechanics sprang into action, putting on another set of soft tyres. The Mercedes garage was ahead and Seb saw a silver car slot in. Bottas, which figured seeing as the lead car had priority. Sebastian was all prepared to leap away, but then something happened. He couldn't see from his position, but watching on TV Mark had jumped up out of his seat.

“Oh my god, _no!”_

One of the nuts holding the tyres in place had failed to sync into place and as the mechanic on the rear left worked in a frenzy of speed to re-align it and drill it home, Sebastian was held in position, the timing clock on-screen showing as the milliseconds became seconds while devastatingly the Mercedes in front had a perfect pitstop and pulled away before Seb could do the same.

Mark sat back on the sofa with a frustrated sigh.

“Damnit damnit!”

He shook his head as he watched Sebastian shoot off now behind the car he had led for so long as they both exited the pits and rejoined the track into the gap the teams had so arduously planned for. The coverage replayed the pitstop error in slow-motion, discussing what had gone wrong. Then it showed the mechanic in question standing up as the rear of Seb’s car went away in the background, the man clearly banged the entranceway of the garage with his hand in anger, whether at himself for a mistake or a faulty part. Mark sighed, unable to blame someone he knew would blame himself more than anyone else could, even if it wasn’t his fault.

  


Seb was now third.  _Third_ after starting on pole. He went around the track on Valtteri’s tail trying to suppress his own frustration, concentrating instead on keeping up to speed so he didn’t lose any more time. As they came around again the pair of them had back-markers to deal with. Lewis was way ahead now, nearly twenty seconds in the lead and still not pitting. Seb guessed that the team were looking for a good gap to put him back into, but they could be calculating all kinds of strategic options. Now into the last part of the race Seb himself knew his own options were severely limited. 

If only there was a way to get past Bottas, but it felt as though the track was barely a metre wider than his car. Twice Sebastian tried to use DRS on the straight to attempt an undercut at Ste Devote, but even with the boost it wasn’t enough. The new regulations meant it was harder even on proper circuits, but the straight here was so short you barely had time to get up to speed, never mind pass and then the first corner was upon you, that double-stacked tyre wall beckoning like a mermaid at sea, tempting you in to your doom. Fuck, he had no choice but to back out, let the silver car go on up the hill and obediently trail behind him.

Sebastian distracted his brain by asking what Lewis was doing. Hearing the lead he now held was depressing, but more worrying was the information that gleaned from radio calls, the team now thought Lewis might be attempting to hold out without pitting. Seb knew being at the front held tantalising appeal but more than  _sixty_ laps on one set of tyres? Surely there was no way Lewis could do that? Logically Mercedes either asked Lewis to push harder to build up enough gap to cover time lost in the pits, or drive so conservatively to preserve the tyres that he and Bottas would be right back with him. Lewis would hate it if he was so slow his team-mate got by and stole the win right at the end. He would try to block him of course, but if the tyres  _really_ went off the cliff would that be possible, even here?

One more lap passed. Seb’s brain was still turning things over as he kept as close as he dared to Valtteri whilst the pair of them passed blue-flagged drivers where they could. He knew Lewis loathed driving conservatively to save tyres. It went against everything in his soul as a racing driver. 

“What’s the gap?” he asked.

Sebastian’s engineer knew him too well to think he meant Bottas directly in front.

“Twenty-one point seven now.”

It was going up. Lewis was pulling a gap. Okay, so at least Seb knew what was happening: Lewis was trying to get enough of a time advantage to cover pitting and still retaining the lead. Knowing that didn’t help much though. It made no odds if all it resulted in was a different Mercedes winning. Seb didn’t care if Lewis or Valtterri won.  _He_ wanted to win. He  _should_ win. He’d started on pole after all. How galling it would be to stand on those steps being handed the smaller trophy yet again and have to smile as though that consolation prize counted. 

 

Seb pushed harder, trying to nose in alongside Bottas as they drove past the harbour, but then there was Tabac and he had to give it up, try again with the DRS further round. Try again, fail again, take a deep breath and ask again what the gap was to the front: 22.5 seconds. Lewis must have traffic to negotiate, but he was getting closer to the time he needed. Seb wondered how his tyres were holding out, but then that had to be what all that holding back during the last stint had been about. Lewis had kept his tyres in shape for this.  _Damn_ . A couple of cars had dropped out with mechanical issues, but there had been no more crashes. A guilty part of Sebastian wished for another safety car to wipe out Lewis’s lead. He might be a friend, but that didn’t mean Seb didn’t want to beat him. That was okay. Seb knew Lewis felt exactly the same way.

“What’s the gap?”

“Twenty-three, three.”

Damnit, Sebastian was almost sure that Bottas wasn’t actually going as fast as he was capable of going now. He was backing him up to give his team-mate time. Would Valtterri sacrifice his own race for Lewis? Was he under instructions to? Would he obey? Could he have a problem maybe?

“What’s going on with Bottas? He’s too slow,” demanded Sebastian, annoyance spilling into his voice over the radio.

“Nothing being said. His laptimes are half a second slower than Hamilton’s. Gap now twenty-four point two.”

Letting out a frustrated cry wasn’t going to help, but Sebastian certainly felt like it. Lewis was nearly there, setting fastest lap after fastest lap. One more lap of this and he would be able to come back out either in the lead, or at least into second place behind his helpful team-mate. Surely Bottas wasn’t going to wave him in front? If Seb just stayed glued to his rear then maybe Lewis would have no room and have to settle for third? Assuming he wasn’t way ahead coming out and left the pair of them for dust. If only he was ahead of Bottas at least Seb could do what he could to eat into that gap and spoil Mercedes’ plans, but he was stuck.  _Bollocks_ .

 

They were coming down Mirabeau Bas again, pointing towards the water before turning right into the iconic tunnel entrance where they could get up to the fastest speeds of the whole circuit. Suddenly Sebastian felt his frustration on the point of exploding. He couldn't hold back, not here. He should be at full-speed here. His car could go faster than this. He could go  _faster_ . He  _had_ to go faster. The tunnel wasn’t wide, but it was technically possible to fit two alongside here as it ran flat around the gentlest of curves. All of a sudden something snapped in Seb and he felt reckless. He had to go for it. 

Without any kind of warning, mid-way through the tunnel Sebastian jinked to left, floored the throttle and was in top gear. Suddenly he was next to an astounded Bottas who had no expectation of such a wild move. Valterri wasn’t about to just let him through so he put his foot down as well and they ran side by side, wheel to wheel through the darkness, then abruptly out into bright light, the sun nearly out now. The Nouvelle Chicane lay ahead, narrow, with high kerbs to deter cutting it. The run-off lane beyond already had a defunct McLaren parked up in it after its engine had given up the ghost.

It was down to who braked latest. The Mercedes engine was more powerful, but Sebastian had the inside, the racing line, prime position and he wasn’t giving it up. He didn’t look sideways to see the Finn brake sooner, Seb just braked, turned and prayed.

Only after he was through did he see his opponent bumping over the chicane and slowing and by then Sebastian was already straightening up and pulling away. There had been a puff of smoke from his own tortured tyres from braking so hard, but Seb had just about managed not to lock them and cause a dreaded flat-spot.

“Yes!” shouted none other the Christian’s voice on the radio now. “Hammer it Sebi.”

Sebastian needed no encouragement. He knew he had to chase Lewis down to try to get round crucially before the other Mercedes managed to exit the pits. If he could get there first Seb could retake the lead. If he could do that it could mean everything. New tyres, faster car, dry track. All that could mean nothing if only Seb could be in front. He  _had_ to cut that gap down before Lewis got in and out of the pits or he would be away and clear. 

Time to hammer it.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbc...


	227. Monaco Baby - pt 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so here we are, appropriately for a race day, we reach the end of this race.  
> (And to distract me from the incoming Monday too).

* * *

 

 

In the RedBull base Jenson was laughing at the little in-joke directed at Mercedes. Both Seb and Lewis were on a hammer-time lap now. Lewis still desperately clawing for a twenty-five second gap to pit, Seb fighting with equal fervour to prevent that as he chased after him, a disgruntled Bottas now dropped back. Mark puffed out a breath, still calming his heart from Seb’s latest little adventure on track and shook his head.

“They should have pitted him this lap. He was almost there.”

“Past the pitlane entry when that happened,” judged Jenson.

“Was he?”

“Only just. Still bloomin’ close.”

The coverage jumped back and forth to show Lewis going hell-for-leather now, Sebastian fired up nearly a quarter of a lap behind. They couldn't see one another, but each driver felt the other’s presence almost as much as Seb and Valtteri had when racing eye-to-eye only moments ago.

 

Mark grimaced as the ticker showed Lewis extending his lead to over twenty-five seconds, but then he flinched as Brundle’s voice came on, hissing at the sight of Lewis’s rear flicking out as he went past the swimming pool.

“Oooh and he did well not to graze the barrier there! Good recovery, but has it lost him time?” pronounced the commentary, clearly enjoying this little drama.

All three of them sat on the edge of the sofa, heads craned even closer as they and the rest of the world watched Lewis peel off into the pitlane. Mark desperately wished they would show where Sebastian was. He had to be close, but _how_ close?

 

The Mercedes pitstop was perfect, poetry in motion and Lewis was away, heading along at the painfully slow pit-limited speed towards the exit. Jessica grabbed a hold of Mark’s arm, but none of them could spare a look away.

“There he is,” breathed Jess as they all saw the dark blue car sprinting up the straight behind the pits coming out of Rascasse and turning at Anthony Noghes towards the start finish line.

Sebastian raced along between the tall buildings and the trees that lined the back of the pitlane, his foot so buried into the accelerator he thought he could clean push it through to touch the road below. He could see the silver car was there, already nosing its way out of the pit exit as he approached, but the yellow painted pitlane ran for some while yet and it was forbidden to cross it.

They ran alongside for a few seconds, then as the pit feeder lane ran along the inside of the first corner, Lewis pulled ahead, his own foot down now the pit-limiter had expired. Sebastian didn’t look to the tyre-wall at Ste Devote on the outside nearest to him, he was too busy looking at Lewis on his inside, certain that his friend looked right back, neither willing to give quarter, both racing their hearts out and risking it all, both aiming for the same goal.

 

The overhead camera shot from the swooping helicopter showed the two cars neck and neck as they both swung to the right at the foot of the hill. Lewis was still inside the pit-exit line though and Sebastian had more momentum. His car sling-shotted round barely a metre ahead at the point where the pit-lane marker ended. It was a mere front wheel ahead of Lewis, but it was enough. _Just_. Seb was ahead, keeping his foot down, velocity on his side, and Lewis was left with no choice but to slot in behind, cursing inside his helmet as they went on up the hill.

 

“Yes!” shouted Jessica, jumping out of her seat once more.

Mark huffed a relieved laugh, then let out all the air he had been holding in, but he stayed sat down. Still some way to go and nothing was finalised yet. He couldn't celebrate, or relax yet. Almost twenty laps with a fired-up Lewis Hamilton on fresher ultra-soft tyres on a now dry track? Nothing was certain until they passed the chequered flag.

 

Sebastian knew that as well. He had to drive cleanly and make his car as wide as one of those super-yachts in the harbour. He had to pass back-markers without messing up, he had to hope his tyres gave him enough grip to keep pushing, oh and he had to pray nobody crashed into him, or lapping back-markers managed to foul things up somehow.

Lewis was right behind him. As they entered the tunnel Seb could only think how he had got past the other Mercedes here and made sure his car was plumb in the middle of the track, not a hope Lewis could squeeze next to him. As he went out towards the chicane he stayed stubbornly on the racing line, no doors open for the Mercedes.

Keep going, keep pushing, keep blocking, keep the lead.

As they rounded Anthony Noghes and returned to the scene of the pit-exit drama, Seb knew his rival had DRS and timed his one move to block an attempt to get by. It was just enough to stymie Lewis and then it was T1 past Sainte Devote and up the hill once more.

 

On and on it went. Sebastian thought he had never been more focussed in his life. There wasn’t room for a millimetre of error. He knew Lewis could go faster, but just as he had been trapped behind Bottas who now languished a disappointed third some ten seconds back, Seb knew that extra power did the Mercedes no good if he couldn't get ahead.

Two laps further and as Lewis tried again to undercut him at Sainte Devote he smoked his tyres. While Sebastian went on ahead Lewis was angrily informing his team that he had a flat-spot on his front left tyre.

 

The tiniest of smiles crept onto Mark’s face. He had nothing against Lewis and if his husband hadn’t been in the race Mark would have no objection to him racking up another win here, but today he could only wish good things for Sebastian. Lewis wasn’t giving up, not a chance, but that move had hurt him and those new tyres no longer offered the advantage they had before.

Surely for all the nosing, the pushing, the trying to force Seb into making a mistake, Mark had to believe that he wouldn't go wrong. Seb was too damn stubborn and too damn good for that. For all his faith though it was torture for Mark to watch. So many times here it had looked a dead cert for a leader to win, only for it all to go to hell without a moment's warning. He just had to hold on.

“Hold on sweetheart. _Hold on_ ,” whispered Mark under his breath.

 

At the wheel Sebastian was doing everything he could to do just that. It already felt like the longest race of his life. Each corner, each straight, provided new threats, new challenges. Each back-marker to lap was his worst enemy, but then out of the blue (ironically) one of them proved a friend as the Sauber of Ericsson overdid things at Rascasse and swung his car into the tyre barrier. It hadn’t been at full-speed so it was a relatively easy task to winch the car away, but the marshals required meant that the virtual safety car was in place. As all the remaining drivers still in the race stuck to the prescribed speed Seb got a chance to catch his breath. He just had to hang on, just hang on. By his fingernails if necessary.

 

Mark was using the respite provided by the virtual safety car to check on his son, but Teddy was still fast asleep, ear-protectors on and oblivious to all the excitement. There was a part of Mark that wanted to hold him, but he knew it was better Teddy was at peace safe in his pram. He didn’t want to risk upsetting him again and there was no point thinking how nice it would be for him to possibly see his father winning here when Teddy was far too young to either understand, or to remember this day.

 

By the time they were back to racing there were only five laps left to go. Five laps of Sebastian pushing as hard as he could, Lewis still practically attached to his rear wing. Four laps, three, two…

 

Jessica was gripping her husband's hand. Mark had his own hands clenched into tight fists as he anxiously watched the screen. None of them were talking now and a tense silence had fallen across the whole RedBull base as everyone held their breath. _Last lap._ Oh god.

 

Lewis has tried yet again to use DRS to pass Sebastian one final time, but it hadn’t been enough when there was insufficient time to get speed up on that short straight. Sebastian was clinging on to the lead, passing through Casino Square, crossing his hands at the steering wheel to take the U at Loews hairpin, entering the tunnel then squeaking around the chicane. He bumped slightly over the kerbs at the swimming pool, risking everything to take the shortest line, then it was sharp right at Rascasse, up the hill past the pit entrance to Anthony Noghes and turning into the final straight, the flag tantalisingly waving from the tree line.

Sebastian didn’t dare let up on the approach, still fearing that Lewis could succeed with a last gasp dash to throw himself alongside and pass him at the finish line if he slowed. He had no time to wave at his team piled into the gaps in the fence waving cheering so enthusiastically. Sebastian only eased his foot off the pedal as the first corner came in sight.

“You’ve won the Monaco Grand Prix! Sebi you’ve _won_ it!” bellowed Christian down the radio.

Seb let out that held breath. My god. He’d won.

 

 

As Mark stared at the screen thinking much the same thing, his two friends were already jumping up and down in delight, Jenson hugging Jess as the whole barge exploded with celebration. Mark puffed a long breath out and looked to his son still lying entirely unaware of what was taking place. He smiled and reached out to stroke gently over Teddy’s leg thinking it was a really good job Teddy had those headphones on or he would be wailing at this din going on. Then Jenson was tugging at his arm and Mark found himself pulled onto his feet and being wrapped in a double hug from the pair of them. He hardly knew whether to laugh or cry. Seb had won, he’d really won. Here. Despite everything, winning in Monaco _did_ still matter. It was one of Mark’s proudest career achievements, even if they did feel a very long time ago.

As he was released Mark looked to the television to see Lewis was now pulling alongside Seb as they drove back around, no danger to that now as his sole intent was to offer congratulations for a hard fight won fairly, even if it did no doubt still hurt. They were strolling along at slow speed, no wish to interfere in the remains of the race for back-markers for whom a point here or there could mean everything to them or their team.

“Mate you have to go.”

Mark frowned at Jenson.

“Go?”

“Meet him. Come on.”

Mark opened his mouth to protest, looking to Teddy, but Jenson shook his head.

“Jess can watch him, right love?”

“Of course. Go on Mark. Go,” invoked Jessica. “How often are you going to get this chance?”

Mark knew what she meant. Seb might never win the Monaco Grand Prix ever again, you never knew. Did he want to miss the chance to hug him and tell him how proud he was of him as they stood in front of the podium? Didn’t he want to see Seb hold that trophy aloft not on television, but in real life? Damn right he did.

“I’ll be back as quick as I can,” he promised.

“Go,” she encouraged.

 

Mark barely had time to nod and thank her before Jenson had a hold of his arm, dragging him away as Mark looked back to be sure Teddy was still asleep and wouldn't miss him. Then they were taking the stairs two at a time with their long legs, sprinting past onlookers to cross the deck of the barge and belting through a thankfully still quiet paddock to reach the footbridge over to the centre of the track, the temporary pitlane that was luckily at this end.

Earlier Mark had wished his face was not so well-known when dodging the fans outside their hotel, but now he was glad of it as the security men let the pair of them through. An additional advantage was that with both of them ex-winners here themselves they knew exactly where to go. They ran behind the pit buildings under cover of the trees lining the road, past stacked tyres and crates, the horns of all those yachts ringing out in the background to celebrate the win.

As they slowed by the gap in the fence Mark took a breath in.

“Good job I still train,” he joked.

“Last time I had to run to the podium here I was on it,” noted Jenson.

“Ha, I’m glad there’s a back way.”

Jenson grinned thinking he’d probably never entirely live down those shots of him back in 2009 sprinting to the podium after idiotically parking up in the wrong place. He huffed a little laugh at the memory and patted Mark’s arm, already looking at the assembled crowd of RedBull and Mercedes teams massed in front of the temporary Parc Fermé on the track. Bottas’s car was just pulling up to a stop by the giant ‘3’ but Seb and Lewis were out, exchanging pats on the arm and nods of appreciation. JB and Mark fought their way to where the RedBull crew filled the road where only a minute earlier cars had still been passing the finish line.

 

“Coming through!” declared Jenson.

Mark rolled his eyes at how much his friend was enjoying this, but he went with him, offering thanks as the team members parted once they saw who it was. Sebastian was busy placing his helmet and everything else on the bonnet of his car when he heard his name called. Not by Mark, but by Jenson.

“Seb!”

Sebastian turned around, his brain matching the voice to the sight of his tall blonde friend crammed in behind the line of orange-clad marshals holding back the crowd. Then he saw him. That smile, those eyes. _Mark_. Mark was here. A smile even wider split Sebastian’s face and he couldn’t get there fast enough. Thankfully the marshals in his way parted and Mark got a step out to meet him, closing his eyes as Seb’s arms went around his neck and he could pull him in tight. Seb pressed his cheek into Mark’s, almost overwhelmed with happiness. It took him a moment to think of anything else, then as they loosened their hold Seb looked at Mark.

“How did you get here?”

“I ran.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened.

“Ran?”

“Yep.”

Mark had to have sprinted to get here so fast. Well, that really was something. Seb barely noticed Jenson stood just a little way back now, nor considered that he had to have run with Mark. Something else did occur to him though.

“Where’s Teddy?”

Mark laughed.

“With Jess of course.”

“Oh of course.”

“I’ll head right back after this. He’s asleep in his pram. He’s fine darling.”

Seb nodded. Of course Mark would have made sure their son was alright. He took a deep breath, then smiled again, staying in close to speak over all the noise.

“I can’t believe it.”

“I can,” grinned Mark. “I’m so proud of you. That was an amazing drive.”

Sebastian beamed back.

“My heart was in my mouth. Did you see me coming round when Lewis was leaving the pits?”

Mark laughed.

“Did I see it? Bloody hell, I felt like I was in the car with you.”

“It was so close!”

Mark nodded, then paused just to look at him. His Seb, all shining eyes and elation. The tumult of the crowd seethed all around them and yet those bright eyes were only for him. How could he not feel a winner too? He pulled Seb in for another hug and whispered in his ear that he loved him, then Mark let Seb go.

 

He watched as Jenson got in a hug before Seb was claimed by the team, arms stretching to pat his arm, his head, to hug him, Seb reaching to reciprocate. Christian appeared at Seb’s side and Mark realised he was going up onto the podium. It occurred to him that the last time RedBull had won here it had been Mark himself taking the trophy. Five long years back. An eternity.

Christian had an arm around Seb, giving his own congratulations as he walked him away to join the trophy ceremony. As they arrived on the podium they switched gears to politely greet the royalty waiting for them, Sebastian shook hands and nodded, doing his best to speak in French, though it was pretty rusty. While they lined up to be awarded their trophies Seb took a moment to congratulate Valtteri as well then exchanged a few more words with Lewis, though he could tell he was disappointed and not in chatty mood.

Seb couldn't blame him. If their roles were swapped and Lewis had found a way through in those dying laps Seb would have been beyond disappointed himself. Lewis congratulated him again so Seb did the same, then he was busy holding up his track-shaped trophy for the team to cheer, smiling as he found Mark amongst them and their eyes locked once more. As Mark smiled back he sighed out a breath and Jenson leaned a little into his side.

“You alright?”

Mark nodded, but he didn’t speak. If he did, he thought he really might cry this time and that would destroy whatever remained of his Aussie Grit reputation. Even thinking that made him huff a little laugh. Reputations. What things they were.

 

Cameras pointed at them from all around and no doubt they’d captured shots of him and Seb embracing. He hadn’t even thought about it in the moment, but Seb at least surely had made the front pages again now when they had spent all weekend avoiding being photographed. Ah well, if they were shown as a couple that was okay. At least Teddy was safely tucked away back at the base.

Mark waited, watching on while Sebastian got the champagne sprayed around, then as soon as the interviews were completed Seb rushed back down to grab a last word.

“I’ve got to go.”

Mark nodded.

“I know. Me too. You take all the time you need with all this. We’ll see you when we see you.”

“Okay.”

Britta had materialised, so Mark looked to her.

“I’ll text you whereabouts we are, yeah?”

“Sure.”

 

Then with that Sebastian was being whisked off to endless media obligations and the crowd dissolved, all the team members returning to their duties. Mark walked along the route they’d come with Jenson, feeling a little strange now all that high tension was lifted.

“You okay?” checked Jenson as they walked over the bridge back towards the barge at a rather more sedate pace than they had gone the other way.

“Good mate, just. Pfff, think I need a sit down,” Mark admitted.

Jenson nodded and set himself to guiding them back into the paddock, politely deflecting attention coming their way now it was busier post-race. Arriving at the gang-plank onto the RedBull barge they were asked for no passes, merely nodding at security and walking on inside, paying no attention to all the eyes on them.

 

As they reached Jessica she stood up, giving each of them another hug before Mark even had chance to see that Teddy was still asleep in his pram.

“How is he still out?” wondered Jenson.

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno mate, contrary little soul.”

He smiled softly as he stroked over his son’s round cheek.

“Your papa just won Monaco kiddo.” Mark sighed and shook his head. “One day you’re gonna tell people you were here and I’ll tell them you slept through it.”

Jess leaned into her husband's side and gave him a smile as he put an arm around her. They both knew they weren’t needed in that one-sided conversation.

 

 

By the time Sebastian got back Teddy was far more awake and had long since announced that to Mark along with his request to be taken for a nappy change. At least that was how Mark put it to Seb when he released him from yet another hug, this time only one-armed as he held their son. Sebastian laughed and took Teddy from Mark into his arms to kiss him, smiling as Mark told him how long he had slept.

“Were you tired Schatz?”

Teddy gurgled and reflected the smiles on his parents’ faces, reaching to pat at Seb’s mouth as he talked, making them laugh again.

“Why does he do that?” enquired Jenson from the sidelines.

Mark turned to their friends.

“Ah who knows? Just happy aren’t you darling?”

Sebastian smiled as Mark stroked over their son’s head.

“I think he’s trying to work out how we talk. He’s making more and more noises aren’t you Liebling?”

“Soon be talking,” agreed Mark looking down into his son’s blue eyes. “Hm? Trying to work out how to say dada and papa are you kiddo?”

Teddy burbled something so Mark nodded in agreement as if that sealed the matter, then looked to Seb.

“Don’t you need to get changed?”

“Oh. Yeah I do.”

“Lovely as you look all sweaty in your race-gear.”

Sebastian laughed but Jenson rolled his eyes.

“Get a room you two.”

“We have a room,” reposted Mark.

“And I do need to change,” agreed Seb.

“Do you want to leave Teddy with us?” asked Jess.

“Oh, um,” Seb looked to his son. Now he was back holding him he really didn’t want to let go. He wanted to share this happiness as a family. “Actually no thanks. We’ll be back in a minute. If Britta comes here tell her I’ll be quick.”

“Sure.”

 

When they got to Sebastian’s room they took a moment just to sit down on the bed, Mark putting his arm around him as they rested their heads together, a moment of quiet in the madness of it all. Eventually Seb sighed out a breath and handed Teddy to Mark.

“I need to shower before Britta's knocking on that door.”

Mark nodded.

“Righto.”

While he waited for Sebastian to emerge Mark lay Teddy down on the bed and removed the hoody he was still wearing, judging it to be too warm now. Teddy waggled his legging-clad legs so Mark captured them and tickled him through his socks.

“Ha, gotcha,” he teased, leaning his face in low over his son’s so he could reach up to him. “Argh, and now you’ve got Dada.”

He kissed his nose, then sat up to tickle his tummy, seeing if he could get the baby to laugh. Then on hearing a door open he turned to see Seb walking out only dressed in a towel, and laughed at the memory from the day before. He raised a teasing eyebrow but Seb just laughed as well. Nothing like that was happening with Teddy here, even if they didn’t already know that they only had a couple of minutes free. As Seb got dressed into long shorts and RedBull t-shirt, Mark picked Teddy up and sat him on his knee.

“Hey matchy-matchy,” he teased.

“Aw.”

Sebastian quickly shoved his feet into trainers, then came over.

“You wanted to be like Papa didn’t you?” declared Mark.

Seb dipped down in front of them to get eye-level with Teddy, smoothing a hand over his tiny RedBull shirt.

“Did you Kleiner?”

“Course he did. We’re so proud of you.”

 

Mark bounced Teddy slightly and put his hands round his son’s to help him clap, making Seb smile as he felt his heart swell. He looked up to Mark.

“Six years.”

“I know.”

“Turns out pole is pretty important here.”

Mark chuckled.

“Really? It’s funny nobody's mentioned that before.”

“Mm, you’d be surprised how many reporters in the pen explained it to me.”

“You’re kidding?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“Well perhaps not explained, but they did say it as though they were the first to make the observation.”

“Ah. And you naturally smiled and agreed.”

“Not hard to smile today.”

“No indeed.”

 

There was a knock on the door so Seb jumped up, about to beckon Britta in when a different voice came through.

“Oi, come on you two. Quit shagging and get yourself outside. Everyone’s waiting round the pool.”

“ _Jense_ ,” hissed Jessica loudly, batting at his arm. “They’ve got the baby.”

Sebastian opened the door and gave his friend a look of disapprobation.

“Yes, thank you Jess.”

“Ah my bad, sorry,” apologised Jenson walking into the room uninvited.

Sebastian stepped out of the way to let them in, Mark standing with Teddy.

“Seriously though,” Jenson continued. “You need to move your ar...” he looked at the baby and adapted his phrase, “yourself Seb mate. We just went to get some fresh air and the place is already jumping.”

 

Just then Britta arrived, struggling to fit in the tiny room with the rest.

“Um, Sebastian we need to get to the team gathering by the pool.”

Jenson laughed.

“See. I could be your assistant.”

Sebastian was getting a quick cuddle with Teddy, but he looked over to his friend.

“You really couldn’t.”

“Meh, probably not.”

Mark took Teddy back.

“One day doing Britta's job mate and you’d have resigned before lunchtime.”

Jenson merely shrugged while Britta herself made no comment on the matter, merely indicating with her head to Seb that he really did have to get going.

“Mark are you coming?” she enquired.

 

Mark paused, having not considered the matter. He looked to Seb wishing that they could all go, but knowing that the deck of the barge would be swarming with media now even if most were kept out of the actual motor-home building.

“You can go along,” encouraged Jess. “Why don’t you go have some fun? I’ll take Teddy.”

“Um.” Mark looked to Seb, wondering if it might really be important that he did go with him. Last time they had been in this situation things had been so very different between them. Perhaps it would be good to wipe that slate clean and replace it with a shared experience that was a purely joyous one? “Maybe.”

“Are you okay to?” checked Seb.

“Course,” assured Jess. “I could take him up to the top so we could watch. No one’ll spot us up there.”

Mark nodded, passed him over, then dug in one of their many bags to find Teddy’s sunhat, popping it on his head thinking less of any sun that might reach him given the shade up there, and more of making sure their son had just a little cover in case anyone did point a camera up, somehow guess who Jess was and make that leap about who the child might be. As she smiled down and hitched Teddy a little higher Mark knew he should put aside his paranoia. Their son wasn’t the member of the family who was going to be the central attraction today.

 

As they went back out into the main area Jess looked to her husband as Mark loaded a bag of essential Teddy things onto her shoulder.

“Are you going with them or helping me?” she asked Jenson.

“Um.”

Jessica shook her head, knowing the answer.

“Right well, you lot have a good time then. Teddy and I will have our own fun,” she announced.

“Be good for Auntie Jess,” instructed Seb.

“We’ll be fine.”

Mark saw that Teddy was distracted looking to Jess and took the opportunity to carefully pop the ear-protectors back on him seeing as it was bound to be louder outside. In here it was much quieter now and as they left Jess to go up while they headed downstairs Mark saw the same was true on the lower floor, but then there was nothing to watch indoors any more and with bright sunshine now beating down, who wouldn't want to be outside enjoying themselves?

 

As they stepped out there to join the rest, Seb and Mark knew that everyone was looking their way. Then a ripple of applause built up as more and more saw them walking through. Sebastian slipped his hand into Mark’s and Mark squeezed it back as they followed Britta up the wooden steps to the more exclusive upper deck where the swimming pool was located. The moment they were in sight the whole place erupted so excitedly that Sebastian almost took a step back. Christian hurried over, putting an arm around Seb as Mark let go of him so he could be presented to the team as their conquering hero.

Sebastian smiled, knowing how much this mattered to them all. A Monaco win was a real point of pride to any team and five years was a long time to wait. As Christian made his little speech Seb looked to check that Mark hadn’t gone far, just a subtle step away to the side. Seb wanted the team to know that just as his victory was due to them, it was for his part also due to the support Mark gave him. There were cameras aplenty around and Seb knew it was because the team wanted to make the most of this. It was publicity you just couldn’t buy, the sort that went world-wide and he knew his role now was to be the smiling winner saying all the right things. It wasn’t difficult to do, not today.

 

Everyone was celebrating, cheering and enjoying themselves. Seb went around to get the chance to say thank you to as many of the team as possible. The trophy had reappeared and Sebastian posed for plenty of photos with it, or by others holding it as it got passed around. The DJ was playing music loud enough to be heard across the bay and as Mark watched on he sent a surreptitious glance up over to the open top floor of the Energy Station building. He could just about see Jess sat on one of the sofa’s, oversized sunglasses on, Teddy held on her lap. Mark was glad he had thought to put the ear-protectors back on him. Thankfully it seemed he was the only one looking up there.

Mark looked at Sebastian now surrounded by his mechanics for a group photo, bobbing on his haunches with the trophy sat in front near to the pool. The media were kept behind the tensa barriers on the far side of the deck, but they were all filming and taking as many photos as possible, others holding up phones to record what was going on.

“Mark!”

Above all the din Mark heard his name being called by Seb and went over.

“Hey.”

“You have to be in this.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah you do,” joined in Mike and a couple of the other mechanics who beckoned Mark in.

Mark laughed and went to pose by Sebastian, putting his arm around him as more pictures were snapped. God it was chaotic out here. No chance they could have brought Teddy. Mark wondered what on earth he made of all this even from a safe distance.

His thoughts were interrupted by a hand on his shoulder.

“You two gonna go over the side into the harbour like old times?”

Mark laughed and stood with Seb as they saw Christian smiling at them. The sun was out now and the air warm, but he’d bet the sea water was perishing.

“Ha, no chance mate.” Mark nodded to Seb. “You can.”

“No way.”

Christian flicked his eyes to the pool in the centre of the deck just a couple of feet away.

“It is traditional.”

Sebastian opened his mouth, but a part of him knew it was inevitable. All the crew caught on and started chanting: _“In, in, in!”_

“Oh god,” smiled Sebastian.

Mark smiled back, then as Seb quickly toed off his trainers he did the same. Seb looked to him, expecting that perhaps Mark might hold his hand to jump in. He was thankful Mark was there seeing as without him Seb suspected one or other of his guys might just have come to shove him in, but they knew better than to try that with Mark around. He leaned in to Mark.

“Are we gonna jump?”

Mark laughed, an all too tempting idea leaping into his head. Before Seb could do anything Mark put his right arm around him, then surprised Seb by ducking slightly and sticking the other under his knees to sweep him up before Sebastian realised what was happening.

“Mark!” protested Seb as he was lifted up into Mark’s arms.

Mark could only laugh as the crowd whooped encouragement. Seb was convinced he was about to be bodily thrown in the pool, but then that grin on his husband's face turned a little softer as Mark swooped in to kiss him. Seb’s arm had gone around Mark’s neck to hang on, so as the place just about detonated with noise Mark thought _‘what the hell’_ and jumped the pair of them into the water, carrying Seb with him.

 

As the media side fell over themselves to capture the moment, the team side of the pool cheered all the louder as they watched Seb and Mark splash into the water in an ungainly heap. Soon they re-emerged through the surface of the water, finding the floor of the pool so they could stand, Seb had no time to say anything back before someone had hauled Christian to the water’s edge to push him in and then more chaos ensued as half the team threw themselves and each other into the pool.

In the middle of the mayhem Seb put one arm then another over Mark’s shoulders and shook his head at him. Mark simply smiled back, then stole another kiss before the pair of them fought their way out, helping each other to climb the ladder in sodden clothes back onto the wooden deck.

While the rest were still enjoying mucking about, the two of them got a little way over to the far side out of the way and Mark kissed Seb’s cheek.

“Sorry sweetheart. Had to be done.”

“Hm. At least you didn’t put me over your shoulder.”

Mark laughed.

“True.”

Sebastian looked over to the pandemonium where half the team were crammed into the pool, some jumping or being pushed in for a second time.

“Bet they’ve not even noticed we’ve escaped.”

“Probably not.”

A familiar blonde figure appeared bearing towels so Seb and Mark went to stand by the far railing attempting to dry themselves.

“How is it you didn’t end up in there Britta?” asked Mark.

Britta merely smiled.

“Would you throw me in?”

“Ha, not a chance.”

Britta gave him a flick of her eyebrows, making Mark laugh.

 

“Where did Jenson disappear off to?” wondered Sebastian looking around for their friend.

“Lord knows.”

“He’s doing an interview with Channel 4,” stated Britta.

“What?”

Britta shrugged.

“Free agent. I’m sure he’s only saying nice things about you.”

Sebastian puffed a breath, then concentrated on trying to towel dry his hair.

“Any clue what became of our shoes?” he asked Britta.

Britta looked pointedly to the melee still ongoing by the pool.

“You’re welcome to go look for them.”

Seb looked to Mark who shook his head.

“They’ll turn up.”

“Probably on eBay.”

“Mm, quite possibly.”

“If you don’t find them I’ll get you spares,” offered Britta. “In the meantime, sorry Seb but we’re back on duty. I’ve a million interview requests and we really should do a few of them.”

“Yeah okay,” nodded Seb.

“Right. I’m gonna have a quick reccy for our trainers then go relieve Jess,” decided Mark.

“Alright.”

Mark took the wet towel from Seb.

“Thanks Britta.”

“No problem,” she smiled. “Oh, while you’re here Mark, are you planning on coming to the gala dinner with Seb tonight?”

“What?”

 

Mark’s eyes widened as Sebastian’s did. They had both entirely forgotten about another Monaco tradition: Winners of the Grand Prix were invited to the palace to dine with royalty and the upper echelons of society. You didn’t really say no to that kind of thing.

“Oh gosh,” let out Sebastian as he looked to Mark, then Britta.

“Extending your room at hotel for another night isn’t an issue,” she assured, “and I can place a call to your plane crew, I doubt they will object to leaving tomorrow instead.”

“I don’t have anything to wear.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Didn’t you wear jeans last time?”

“I will sort that,” stated Britta.

“What about Teddy?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark sent a look up to where their son was being cared for by his godmother in the far distance.

 

“Would you like me to come?” Mark checked.

Sebastian paused. They had never gone for a night out leaving their son behind before, but if this didn’t count as a special occasion he wasn’t sure what did.

“Um, do you think Jess would babysit?”

Mark smiled. He knew that meant Seb _did_ want him to go along.

“I’m sure she will. I’ll go ask her now. They can just hang out in our room at the hotel for a couple of hours. Watch a film or something.”

“We wouldn't have to stay long.”

Mark nodded and Britta nodded as well.

“Right, leave it with me,” she asserted, then looked Seb up and down to see if he was at lest reasonably presentable.

She produced a RedBull cap from nowhere and Seb dutifully put it on over his damp hair before being led away. Mark stood where he was for a moment, watching Seb be surrounded by TV crews, smiling, joking, doing his thing. On camera you wouldn't see that he was doing all that whilst stood only in sopping wet socks. Mark shook his head and smiled, then folded the towels over the railing, setting off on what was in all probability a vain quest to retrieve two pairs of lost trainers without getting pushed into the pool, before the rather more important task of retrieving his son and asking yet another favour of Teddy’s godmother.

 

 

It was quite some time before Seb was back with his family. By then the barge had significantly calmed down, most of the guests already having left to head home after a packed weekend. Even Jess and Jenson had headed off, having promised to babysit later. While a couple of hosts from the RedBull base insisted on sorting out taking all their belongings onto the water taxi, Seb and Mark took a moment to go stand on the upper deck out of the way. Mark smiled as he surveyed the now deserted pool.

“Quiet now,” he observed.

“Team’s finishing the pack up, rest are going for their flights,” noted Seb.

“Yeah. Good job our guys are flexible.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking they paid the private charter quite enough to guarantee that. As they wandered over to the far side they stood quietly, just appreciating the calm that had returned. The harbour was still busy and further away there must be plenty of parties continuing, but that wasn’t for them. Seb wanted a couple of hours relaxing with his family back at their hotel before he had to go out and be on show once more.

Mark held Teddy so he could see out where they were looking.

“You know kiddo once upon a time Daddy and Papa jumped off here into the water cos we were so excited about winning.”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“Not today Liebling.”

“No definitely not today.” Mark smiled at Teddy. “Very silly of us. Long time ago. I think we’ve grown up a bit since then.”

“You’d won.”

“Mm.”

They looked at one another, both thinking how it seemed more like decades ago.

“You came second,” noted Mark.

Sebastian nearly raised his eyebrows at him making more double entendres, but he realised such things were currently far from Mark’s mind.

“I did.” He stood a little closer to them. “You know Liebling I was so happy that day.”

“Me too.”

Seb huffed a laugh, but then he made a confession.

“I wanted to kiss you.”

“Then?”

“Yes. When you won you were just so… I don’t know. It was so early on with everything. I really was pleased for you.”

“And resolved to beat me the year after?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“Racing Liebling.”

“Yeah well now we're even.”

Seb nodded.

“I’m glad.” He kissed Mark’s cheek. “And I can kiss you now, so it’s much better.”

“Ha, certainly is sweetheart.”

Mark looked down to Teddy who was plainly watching them.

“Daddy and Papa were very silly and took far too long working that out kiddo.”

He saw the way Seb was looking at him now so Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“Come on then, let’s get going. I think someone could do with a nice peaceful nap.”

They turned and began making their way towards where the water taxi moored.

“He doesn’t actually look that tired,” commented Seb.

Mark smiled at him.

“I meant me sweetheart. Blummin knackered after today.”

Sebastian laughed and took Teddy from him.

“Me too. Crazy day.”

“Best kind sometimes.”

 

 

 

A couple of hours later they stood in their hotel room on the far side of Monte Carlo. Teddy lay in his crib having had his bottle, while Mark and Seb examined the tuxedos that had mysteriously been waiting for them when they got back here.

“How does she do it?” wondered Mark as he attempted to tie his bow-tie. “They’re the right fit and everything.”

Sebastian finished tucking in his shirt and shrugged.

“Britta’s Britta.”

“Did she go to Hogwarts when she was younger?”

Sebastian laughed and came to fix Mark’s tie for him.

“Actually Liebling I think Britta would have gone to Beauxbatons.”

“Huh?”

Seb smiled.

“Beauxbatons. The magic school in France. There wasn’t one for Germany which always made me a bit sad.”

Mark still looked blank so Sebastian finished straightening his tie and shook his head.

“Liebling you’ve watched all the Harry Potter films with me. It’s in the fourth one.”

“Oh well, I dunno. I’m not taking notes while I watch.”

Sebastian stuck out his tongue causing Mark to tickle his side in revenge. Seb ducked out of the way.

“You should read the books, there’s more to them.”

“Mm.” Mark frowned. “You haven’t got the books.”

“Well, the audiobooks. I used to listen to them on flights. On my iPod.”

Mark smiled thinking how Seb had done that so nobody had realised what he was listening to.

“They’re not just kids books,” justified Seb. “There’s a lot in there if you really pay attention.”

“I’m sure.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I used to find them comforting. I dunno. I guess it’s silly.”

Mark took a step closer to take his hand.

“No it’s not. I’ll have to listen to them some time. Anyway tonight we get to dress up and go to a castle on a clifftop overlooking the sea, that’s pretty Pottery.”

Sebastian smiled.

“It’s a palace not a castle.”

“Picky-picky,” teased Mark, “palaces not good enough for the Monaco Grand Prix winner.”

 

Sebastian was about to come with another repost to tease him back when there was a knock at the door. He went to open it and let Jess and Jenson in, then he and Mark set about showing them where everything was for Teddy and how everything worked.

“I think we can manage the remote control,” asserted Jenson.

Jess ignored him and came to give Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“We’ve got it.”

“Thanks. Um, he’s half asleep already, so just leave him be.”

Jessica looked over to the crib in the bedroom part of the room beyond the open partition doors.

“Shall we just move him closer so we can keep an eye on him?”

“Um.”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Mark.

He carefully lifted the crib while Seb shifted the stand to put it near the sofa, then once they were sure Teddy was settled they went over everything yet again with their friends.

“But we changed his nappy only half an hour ago and he’s had his evening bottle so...”

“So we’re fine,” insisted Jenson. “Go on, get going. Have fun. I’m sure that car in front was waiting to whisk you off.”

“He should just sleep,” asserted Mark once more, “but we’ve both got our phones, so anything at all, even if you’re not sure about something, just call us.”

“We will.”

 

The pair of them went to the door, fighting the urge to kiss Teddy goodbye seeing as it would only disturb him.

“We’re only going to be a couple of hours max,” added Seb.

Jenson wanted to say they knew that, but Jessica just nodded reassuringly.

“It’ll all be fine. We’ll take good care of him.”

“Thanks.”

Mark took a deep breath, struggling not to suddenly say he ought to stay behind and Jess could be Seb’s date for the night. Only his mother had looked after Teddy for this long before, but he knew Jessica was a calm head and Jenson had taken an interest in the workings of the bottle machine, even if it was more based on the technology than the outcome. If they got into difficulty they could call and he’d come back. Teddy would be okay.

He smiled at Seb who was looking over to the crib as well.

“We won’t be late.”

“Just a couple of hours,” repeated Sebastian.

“Have fun,” encouraged Jess. “You look wonderful by the way.”

“Thanks. Okay then. You’ve got your phones?”

“We’ve got our phones,” assured Jess, choosing not to remind him they had told them this twice already.

 

With a last nod and more thanks they finally left. As they climbed into the car that was indeed waiting to whisk them away, Mark took hold of Seb’s hand.

“We’re only ten minutes away.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t we just give them a ring half-way through?”

“Okay, yeah I think… They won’t be offended we’re checking up on them?”

“Nah.”

“Okay.”

Mark leaned in to kiss Seb’s cheek. They’d be fine.

 

Not long later the pair of them stood in the grand entranceway, Mark with his arm around Sebastian as they smiled for the cameras. Only two years ago their world had just about exploded around them when they had kissed in the garage here, unaware that the moment was being captured on camera. Now they stood here together on full show, married, more worried about their son being looked after a mile or so away than anything else. Mark smiled and defiantly planted a kiss on his husband's cheek, not caring what anyone thought of it when they saw the photos.

Sebastian smiled, thinking not of two years back, but six years ago when he had stood here on his own. Now he was here with Mark, feeling like a grown-up, not some kid totally out of his depth. Sending a glance over at the golden chandeliers and giant gilt edged mirrors, Seb thought he was still not entirely at home in this environment, but he wasn’t alone and he didn’t feel lost. The smile on his face was genuine now.

 

An hour later they politely excused themselves from the dining table between courses and snuck away to find a quiet hallway from where they could ring their friends. After Jess had assured them all was well a couple of times, she hung up and called them back with a Facetime connection. Jess held her phone to show Teddy fast asleep in his crib and his parents, stood mere feet away from all the glitterati of the principality sipping their champagne, watched their son just breathing in and out.

“See, he’s fine,” repeated Jess, now raising the phone to show her and Jenson sat on the sofa.

“Of course. Thanks so much, we think maybe an hour more don’t we Liebling?” asserted Seb.

“Bout that,” agreed Mark.

“Are you having a good time?” asked Jess.

“Um, yeah, nice food.”

Jenson laughed.

“I should hope so. I on the other hand am suffering through watching ‘Love Actually’ for the fiftieth time, so you guys owe me big time.”

Jess moved the phone to show only her.

“He cries at the end every time.”

“I do not,” protested Jenson out of view.

“Go have more fun. We’ll see you whenever.”

 

They said goodbye and hung up. Seb fitting his phone away in his pocket.

“We really should send them some kind of thank you for this weekend,” he asserted.

Mark nodded.

“Flowers at least.”

“Do you think Jenson would appreciate flowers?”

Mark smiled.

“For Jess. Anyway, yeah, something. Write them a nice card. They’ve been lifesavers.”

“They have,” agreed Seb, then turned his mind to the present. “Do you think we’re okay to have a bit more champagne?”

Mark smiled.

“Not driving are we? A prince offers you champagne, I think you drink it.”

“Yeah okay, just a bit more.”

Mark gave him a wink and leaned in as they re-entered the ballroom where the dinner was taking place.

“Better had. I’m pretty sure he can have out heads chopped off if we refuse.”

Sebastian laughed, feeling more relaxed now they were certain Teddy was perfectly safe. A little more champagne couldn't hurt, particularly given that this was their first night out as a couple in about six months.

 

 

An hour and a half later they arrived back at the hotel, letting themselves in to find their friends sat together on the sofa still watching TV, their son in Jess’s arms.

“Oh he’s awake.”

Sebastian took Jenson’s place as he stood to greet them, looking in to check on Teddy.

“He didn’t seem to want to go down,” explained Jess.

“Sometimes you just have to put him in his crib and he’ll settle,” offered Mark.

“Oh, well...”

“I’m not very good at putting him down either,” assured Seb.

Jessica smiled at him as Mark asked if they’d had much trouble.

“Oh no, he just woke up a bit ago needing a nappy change. Jense even helped.”

“He peed on me.”

Sebastian giggled as Mark patted his friend's shoulder sympathetically, noticing now the slight damp patch on his jumper where Jenson had tried to wash it out.

“It’s a sign of affection,” Mark assured him.

“Hmm. Anyway I did battle with your bottle contraption thingy. I followed all the instructions you wrote out, but then he didn’t want it, so we gave up and just sat with him.”

Mark nodded and looked at his watch: nearly eleven now.

“It was a bit early for him probably. Anyway, thanks for everything.”

Jessica had passed Teddy over into Seb’s arms, giving him a kiss before standing up.

“Right, well that’s us done then. I could do with my bed.”

 

With more thanks for everything and goodbyes, Mark showed them out. He shut the door, then pulled off his tuxedo jacket to join Seb on the sofa.

“Pfff.”

Sebastian laughed.

“You tired Liebling?”

“I might be a teeny bit squiffy.”

He leaned more into Seb and took Teddy’s hand as they looked at him.

“Did you pee on Uncle Jenson kiddo?”

Teddy smiled and blinked those big blue eyes innocently, only making his parents laugh more.

“Oh dear. Poor Jenson,” smiled Seb.

“Nah. It’s character-building.”

Sebastian giggled again.

“I think I’m tiddly too.”

“Tiddly?” teased Mark.

“Mm.”

Mark nodded, then noticed how Teddy was nuzzling into Seb.

“Looks like someone else wants a drinkie now.”

“Can you make it?”

“Can I make a bottle?”

“Well.”

Seb shrugged, so Mark leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“Darling I may have had a few glasses of champers but I’m pretty sure I could make up a bottle blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Good. One bottle coming up.”

 

Once they had fed him Teddy settled down, already dropping off before Mark placed him in the crib still beside the sofa, feeling as though he needed to do it slower and even more carefully than normal after a few drinks. Having done that successfully he sat back down and put his arm around Seb who leaned into him.

“Well, I think this qualifies as quite a day.”

Sebastian smiled and sat up a little to kiss him.

“Yeah I’d say it does Liebling.”

“Win the Monaco Grand Prix, fall in a pool, dinner at the palace and actually leaving our son to be babysat for the evening.”

“The last one was the toughest.”

Mark smiled back.

“Yeah. Good day though.”

 

Sebastian nodded. They looked into each other’s eyes and Mark stroked over’s Seb’s cheek. Seb smiled, then pulled off his jacket before reaching to undo Mark’s bow-tie and pulling at it a little to encourage him closer. Mark didn’t need much encouragement and within a couple of minutes they were laid out on the sofa, Seb on top as hands began to wander. He heaved in a deep breath and moved his hands to place them either side of Mark, pushing up to look at Teddy over in his crib.

“Is he asleep?” asked Mark, trying to sit with him.

“Yeah.”

“So he’s fine.”

“Mm, Liebling can we move this into the bedroom?”

“Us or him?”

“Us.”

Mark finally succeeded in sitting up, trying not to get too distracted at this precise moment by the fact Seb was effectively straddling him now. He looked over to see for himself that Teddy was asleep, then kissed Seb to get his attention.

“Darling.”

“Mm?”

“Shall I tell you a little secret?”

“Mm.”

Mark laughed and teased Seb by kissing his jaw, then placing his mouth by his ear to whisper.

“There’s a little something I keep in my suitcase.”

Sebastian smiled and moved his head to look at him.

“Is there indeed?”

“Mm. You know, just in case.”

“Just in suitcase,” giggled Seb, still feeling tipsy.

“Quite. So…”

Sebastian giggled again and Mark put his hands either side of his waist, smoothing up and down there with his thumbs.

“What about Teddy?”

“We can close the doors.”

Seb paused. Those partition doors weren’t exactly very solid.

“He’ll hear us.”

“How loud were you planning on being?”

 

Sebastian pouted, but that only made Mark want to find out. Then he had a brainwave. He moved Seb so he could get up and went over to find what he was looking for in one of their bags, returning to the sofa holding the baby earphones in triumph. Sebastian opened his mouth, but Mark just grinned and very carefully placed them on Teddy as he slept, glad that they were softly padded and not tight so the baby didn't feel them going on. Seb got up to look.

“We should still shut the doors.”

Mark snaked his hand around Seb’s waist and spoke into his ear.

“He’s no idea darling.”

“Okay, but...”

Mark kissed Seb’s cheek.

“We’ll shut the doors.”

Sebastian nodded and turned into Mark.

“Come on then before this alcohol really goes to my head and I fall asleep.”

“Ha,” laughed Mark. “Am I that boring?”

“Definitely not.”

 

He decisively found Mark’s hand to lead him through to the bedroom area, pausing to close the doors, leaving only a tiny gap so they could hear their son if he cried, though no doubt they would anyway. Teddy being out of sight and out of hearing them though, that felt freeing. Sebastian smiled and slung his arms around Mark’s neck, pushing up on tiptoe to kiss him with renewed enthusiasm.

“Hello,” smiled Mark.

“Hey.”

Mark rubbed his nose into Seb’s then started untucking his shirt so he could slide his hands inside.

“Your skin’s nice and warm,” he commented.

Sebastian laughed.

“Should it not be?”

“You’ve got soaked so many times this weekend I’m just glad you’ve not caught pneumonia.”

“True.”

“Soaked in the rain, soaked in champagne, soaked in the pool.”

“Whose fault was that?”

Mark smiled.

“You were going in either way sweetheart. I thought my way was more fun.”

“It was.”

“Good.”

Sebastian pressed in tighter to him, holding his hips into Mark’s before lowering down off his toes and looking up.

“Liebling.”

Seb kept his eyes on Mark as he moved away just enough to slip his hand between them, stroking over Mark’s crotch before reaching to undo his trousers and sliding his hand inside. Mark hmm’d happily, looking right back at him.

“Is that nice?” teased Seb.

“Mmm.”

“Lieb-ling,” Seb repeated, making it slow and enticing.

“Yeah?”

“Where’s your case?”

“Hm?”

Sebastian laughed and removed his hand, deciding Mark needed to focus.

“Your case. Your just in case, case.”

“Ah. Ha, indeed.”

 

Mark took a deep breath to restore a few brain cells and gave Seb a quick kiss before stepping away to find it. By the time he turned around Sebastian was on the bed already unbuttoning his shirt. Mark dumped the small bottle of lube on the side of the bed and came to join him, catching a hold of Seb’s hand.

“Ah-ah darling. Isn’t that my job?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Is it?”

“Well I’m sure you’ll do the same for me.”

“I’m sure I will,” Seb agreed.

Mark smiled and raised the hand he held up so he could kiss it.

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“You’re kissing my hand now?”

“I’d like to kiss every part of you.”

Seeing as he could think of no response to that other than to smile, Sebastian waited until Mark let his hand go, then sat back to let him to undo his shirt as he wanted to. Mark kept his eyes on Seb’s as he undid the buttons, smoothed his hand over his chest, then up to slip the shirt off his shoulders before removing it altogether. Seb waited until he was done, then did the same for Mark. They were trying to take things slow, but as Sebastian knelt up in order to lean in so he could kiss Mark he accidentally over-balanced and fell into him. Mark grabbed hold, but then the pair of them were in a heap on the bed, laughing and giggling.

“Oh my goodness,” laughed Seb breathlessly. “Everything’s spinning now.”

Mark raised himself over him.

“You okay?”

“Mmm, in a good way. Dizzy spinny.”

He giggled again, so Mark tickled his side enjoying seeing him so happy, then lowered in to kiss him some more, ending up a little dizzy himself as they used up all the air in their lungs. As Mark lifted up to draw in air Sebastian automatically pressed his hips up into him as if he couldn't bear the loss of contact and at the same time Seb let out a soft little moan. It was enough to absolutely undo Mark. He hurried to get his trousers off and help Seb rid himself of the rest of his clothes too until the pair of them lay naked together, already moving as one while they kissed. Then as Sebastian parted his legs to let Mark settle there, he tipped his head back and let Mark do as he had said, kissing everywhere he could reach.

 

Closing his eyes Sebastian felt pure relief beginning to flow through him as Mark continued touching him, kissing him, making all the right moves to get the perfect reactions as Seb encouraged him to go on. Seb could never explain how wonderful it felt. Not just the physical pleasure from Mark’s touch, but the feeling of letting go. Letting go all the stress and the pressure of his life, all the expectation to perform and conform and be what everyone demanded he be for them.

With Mark he was just himself and nothing more. Seb was almost sure he was floating with each kiss, but as Mark dipped in to kiss his stomach it tickled and he laughed again, looking now to see Mark grinning at him. Seb reached to put his hand by Mark’s face.

“Liebling.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian sighed, so Mark moved up to place his face by Seb’s.

“Yes?” he pressed.

Seb took in a deeper breath at feeling how hard Mark was as he leaned into him. This was nice, but he needed more. He needed that complete release that only came with giving himself entirely to him.

“Need you.”

Seb moved his head to place his mouth by Mark’s ear.

“Need to feel you inside me.”

Mark’s brain did a little flip and it was entirely incapable of agreeing that was very much what he would like also. All that actually came out of his mouth was a low rumble that was almost a growl.

“Bitte Liebling,” requested Sebastian softly, as if Mark needed any more encouragement.

Mark reached for the lube, then began working more intently to touch Seb, burying his face in Seb’s neck to kiss at his pulse in the way he knew sent it racing. Seb’s head was thrown back on the pillow, his lower lip bitten as he stifled a cry at Mark reaching deeper, almost sending him over the edge far too soon.

“Bitte, bitte,” he gasped, barely conscious that he was speaking.

Mark moved to kiss Sebastian’s jaw, stubble catching stubble and sending a tingle right down his spine. Seb was already gripping onto his shoulders, pulling Mark’s body against his own, so Mark softened the kiss as he moved his hand, brushing his lips at the corner so Seb’s mouth.

“Yes darling just relax, mm? Just, ah...”

Mark couldn't help smiling at the way the tiniest movement of his fingers caused Seb to gasp and arch his spine before sinking back into the mattress already half-way to being a puddle of want. He used the moment Seb loosened his hold on him to lift up a little as he moved his hand away. Sebastian instinctively pulled his knees up either side of him to give Mark better access, then as Mark hastily dumped down the bottle he had grabbed and he shifted himself into position, their eyes met, far more serious now.

The dark centre of Mark’s eyes spread so wide that Seb lost himself for a moment in staring at them, looking to see where the warm green-brown he knew was still there surrounding. His pupils were so wide now they were almost blown, but it was still his Mark there. Then all that was forgotten as Mark leaned in to softly kiss his lips before pushing inside him, making sure not to rush, to let Seb’s body tell him what he needed, listening out for the pitch rising in the gasps he took to know it wasn’t too much and when to pause.

Sebastian’s mouth fell open in a silent _oh_ and Mark stopped, leaning in closer.

“Darling.”

“Mpmh.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

It came out high and breathy, so Mark gently pressed his lips to Sebastian’s once more, giving him a moment before looking at him again. Before he needed to ask anything Seb simply nodded, so Mark smiled then gave him another peck of a kiss, then resumed what he’d been doing, pushing deeper as he felt Seb relax and accept him until he was all the way in and Sebastian let out a little sigh that sounded far more content. Seb pulled at Mark’s shoulders to get him to lie into him, so Mark rested their chests together so they could feel each other breathe, in sync even as they lay still, feeling one.

 

Only as Seb took in a deeper breath did Mark lever himself back up, then Sebastian lifted his legs to wrap around him, angling his hips upwards to make things easier before they started to move, heart-rates racing back up again and no spare breath for speech. What air they had they spent in kisses, Seb raising up his head to reach Mark before falling back again only for Mark to chase after until they were too far gone to do anything else expect move together, their brains sparking sending them dancing on the edge.

Mark only had enough coherent thought left to appreciate the gloriously abandoned noises Seb made when he truly let go before he came himself, his mind tumbling as he felt the release he needed too. He didn’t feel how tightly Seb gripped his shoulders, hardly realising that he had collapsed into him now. All Mark could feel was a lightness, as if his blood ran thinner now. He didn’t hear the groan he let out. Seb himself hardly heard it though Mark’s face had dropped into the pillow by his ear. Sebastian was too busy waiting for the white light to recede and clutching Mark into him with everything he had.

 

Neither of them had any kind of concept of time in these moments. Mark lifted his face out of the pillow to get air into his lungs, then turned it to kiss Seb’s cheek. Only then did he realise how tightly Seb clenched hold of him, enveloping him as though Mark might wish to move away. His eyes were fast closed and while Mark felt a rush of clarity now, he could tell Seb was still gone, not to be hurried in this moment any more than earlier. Mark gently rubbed his cheek into Seb’s, closing his own eyes at the feeling of Seb’s muscles still fluttering, his heart beating hard beneath his chest.

It wasn’t until Mark saw Seb’s eyes open and felt his hold on his ease off and his legs dropped down from around him that Mark smoothed their cheeks together once more, then kissed him and slipped his hands beneath him to roll them so he lay beneath to find a comfortable position for them to rest together. Seb lay lower into his chest now, his head resting just below Mark’s shoulder. He let out a lengthy sigh feeling as though he had no strength left in his body. All those crazy rushes of adrenalin through the weekend, all the worries over their son, all the work and the effort and the playing the game for the media, all gone now, all floated far away. All Seb needed now was this; to lie safe in Mark’s arms with no other thought in his head other than how wonderful that was and how loved it made him feel.

Taking a gentler sigh Sebastian turned his face slightly inwards then inhaled the scent of Mark’s chest then let out a soft contented noise that made Mark smile. He couldn’t help but love it when Seb clung to him like this. As though Mark really literally was his lone rock in the stormy seas upon whom his life depended. Mark stroked over Seb’s back and angled his chin down to kiss Seb’s forehead, only getting another little ‘mmphh’ in reply. Sebastian wasn’t ready to come back down to earth yet, that was clear, but that was fine with Mark. He wrapped his arms further around Seb to keep him held in.

A part of Mark wanted to pull him in and squeeze Seb tight, but he kept his hold tender, just enough to be sure that Seb felt himself held. Something about the way Seb was in these moments made Mark feel all the more fiercely possessive of him. His Seb. His, for all the world and the team and the media tried to pull him away. They didn’t get the real Seb. Only Mark got him. Only Mark really knew and loved him and received his love in return. No masks, no pretence, no smiles for any reason other than because he was happy.

“My darling Seb,” Mark whispered.

 

He’d thought Sebastian was almost out, but at that Seb moved his head to look up at him.

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled at how bleary Seb still seemed. It wasn’t kind to pull him back to reality too soon.

“Nothing darling.” Mark smoothed over his skin. “I love you, that’s all.”

“Mm, love you too.”

“Good.” Mark huffed a light laugh at how spacey Sebastian sounded. “You ‘kay sweetheart?”

“Hmm.”

“Five minutes yeah?”

“Yeah.” Seb kissed Mark’s chest, then rested his cheek back comfortably in place. “Tired Liebling.”

“No rush.”

“L’il sleep,” mumbled Sebastian.

“Mm.”

Sebastian closed his eyes and released his last tether to consciousness. He really did feel exhausted now, his body and mind wrung out. Just a little sleep. Just like this. Just what he needed.

 

Mark felt the last fraction on tension in Seb’s body dissipate, all his muscles relaxing as he breathed slowly into him. He let his own eyes fall shut, feeling pretty worn out himself. They should just get a little rest as they needed. Then when they woke they could go grab a shower, sort themselves out and then bring Teddy back through in his crib so they could all be together, keeping fingers crossed that their son honoured them with as much sleep as possible. It was the end of a crazy day, a crazy week in a crazy place with far too many crazy people around, but this at least made sense.

He let out a soft sigh, smiling at the way Seb’s body still moved with him. Mark decided it would be best not to mention to Seb that he hoped whoever was in their neighbouring rooms hadn’t also stayed an extra night seeing as they weren’t likely to be wearing headphones as their son was.

As things turned out neither one of them had wanted to restrain themselves or be quiet in any way, not tonight. Mark angled his cheek to rest in Sebastian’s soft hair, a smile on his face. Seb would go quite delightfully pink if he teased him later, but he wasn’t going to. When his Seb was free he was beautiful, it was magical and Mark wasn’t about to spoil that. Maybe they could take a bit more time before that shower when Seb woke? No, Mark definitely wasn’t going to mention their neighbours. He had far nicer ideas in mind to make Seb’s cheeks go pink.

 

 

* * *

 


	228. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, before RL catches up with me, we move on. Kindof...

* * *

 

  


There were times when they almost forgot that they were still waiting to officially adopt their son. Because Teddy  _was_ their son, that was the only way either Seb or Mark could think of him. Neither could even bear contemplating any kind of notion that they would  _not_ be granted adoption. Even to allow the idea into their heads that he could be taken away from them would be devastating. The most they could think of was that it might take a while to finalise, that they had to do all they could to prove they were worthy parents, doing all they could to look after him properly. As they approached six months since  Teddy had come to them it did feel that they really ought to be making more progress, but the only information they got was from their case worker Rachel  was always that they were making progress and  they  just had to be patient.

Six months felt like a long time to be patient.

  


As they sat with her in the lounge on her latest regular visit towards the end of June, Seb and Mark wondered if they ought to ask Rachel again whether they were any closer to things being finalised or if being given no firm answer would only make things worse. So instead they tried to focus on showing her how well they were doing, hoping as always to make the best impression to help their cause. Once they’d drunk their cups of tea and done their general small talk Mark saw how wriggly Teddy was looking on Seb’s knee so he set his rug out and placed Teddy on it with the grown-ups now sat around on the carpet surrounding him. Mark put the baby on his front, then smiled to Rachel.

“Watch this.”

Teddy obliging wriggled some more on his tummy, then put his arms in front and tried pushing and lifting his head up.

“See he’s almost doing push-ups,” pointed out Mark.

Rachel smiled at how proud he sounded.

“Yeah, strong little arms there.”

“We practise, don’t we Liebling?” joined in Sebastian. 

“Yep, got his little exercise routine.”

“He really likes it,” Seb added, not wanting her to think they were pushing Teddy too hard. 

Rachel watched as the baby pushed with his arms again, then wiggled about until he rolled onto his back. Mark rubbed over his tummy.

“Well done darling. Aren’t you clever? Soon be crawling about at this rate.”

“He’s doing really well,” added Seb. “We thought with him being a bit premature he might be behind with his milestones but the health visitor said he’s right up to speed.”

“He’s doing great,” assured Rachel.

“He can lift his head properly now and I think that might even be a bit early compared to what it says in the books.”

Rachel smiled. They were so keen to prove themselves.

“I wouldn't worry too much about what books say. He looks happy and healthy, developing well. That’s all that matters.”

“Course it is,” agreed Mark.

He tickled Teddy’s tummy and was gratified when the baby bent his little legs up and gurgled a laugh.

“Aw,” smiled Rachel, “very happy today.”

 

She looked down at the chubby cheeked baby laughing and smiling as his parents entertained him. It was almost hard to believe that this was the same child who had been the tiny premature baby she had first seen lying alone in that stark little hospital crib. Rachel had know what the right call had been before she had made it.

“We had been hoping to sit out,” noted Mark with a glance to the rain lashing against the lounge window. “It’s been so nice lately we usually spend as much time as possible in the garden.”

“Yes it’s typical,” Rachel agreed. “We had such nice sunshine at the weekend as well.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Don’t tell me you actually took time off?”

“Ha, some. Well I went in Saturday morning though, just to try to catch up on some paperwork.”

Mark shook his head. He suspected Rachel never actually caught up on all the work she had to do. It seemed like a Forth Bridge situation, no doubt she had a whole new pile waiting for her yesterday morning after the weekend.

“You work too hard,” sympathised Sebastian.

Rachel shrugged.

“Visits like this don’t seem so much like work. It’s nice to see you.”

“And you.”

“Thanks. It feels like quite a while since I was last here. Teddy’s really coming on.”

“Did the GP send the update from our check-up last week?”

“Yes, it’s added to your file. All good.”

 

Mark had found one of Teddy’s toys to play with, holding it above him for the baby to grab at as a game. Rachel watched for a moment, then looked to Seb.

“Oh I didn’t even say, well done for your races lately.”

“Thanks, um, Canada wasn’t so great, but Monaco, yeah that was good.”

“Fourth’s still pretty good isn’t it?” questioned Rachel.

Mark huffed a laugh and turned his attention to her for a moment.

“Seb has very high standards Rach.”

“Oh well, I think fourth is impressive,” she insisted.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“Bit of a power track so we were kind of at a disadvantage there, but thanks.”

“I enjoyed watching Monaco,” Rachel told them. “That was marvellous. So exciting.”

Mark laughed and put his arm around Seb as they sat knelt on the floor.

“It was pretty awesome sweetheart. Think we’re gonna remember that one.”

“Well thank you,” replied Seb, looking to Rachel not Mark. “It all came together there somehow.”

“Weather like we’ve got today,” observed Rachel.

“True.”

“What’s that like? I’d have thought it was pretty miserable to be stuck in an open car in the rain.”

Seb and Mark glanced at one another before Seb answered.

“Ah well that rather depends how things are going. If you’re at the front you don’t care so much about being wet.”

“A damp track focuses the mind pretty sharply,” added Mark.

“I’m sure,” agreed Rachel. “It looks so dangerous.”

 

Sebastian looked to Teddy now playing with his toy beside them.

“Oh, well, maybe… You do go slower if it’s wet and it’s slower in Monaco anyway so I think it probably looks different on TV.”

“I’m sure. Well you didn’t have any problems with it. A shame though to be somewhere like that only to get rain.”

“It was actually nice on the days before the weekend.”

“Oh was it?”

“Yes we saw a bit of our friends who live there. You don’t race on the Friday there so we went for a picnic in one of the little parks out of the way.”

“Oh I see. Well that sounds nice.”

“Yeah it was. It was our friends Jenson and Jess. Jess is going to be Teddy’s godmother.”

“Ah, yes I think you’ve mentioned them before. Shame it turned for the race then. I confess that’s the only bit I really saw, though from some of the pictures in the papers it looked as though it dried up afterwards.”

 

Sebastian and Mark looked to one another, both thinking about what it meant that she was going through the press coverage of them. They’d tried to avoid it themselves, though when they had gone for a run on the Tuesday when they were back home, Jean in the coffee shop had assiduously saved the papers from the day before and it had felt rude not to look when she seemed so proud on their behalf. All those front pages which predictably had chosen to go with the shot of the pair of them jumping into the pool in celebration. Once they’d started looking it was impossible not to check to see that not only was there a write up in the sports section, but several included that photo of them arriving at the gala dinner as well in the main section.

“Um, so yeah Jess was a big help while we were there,” explained Mark. “She did a spot of babysitting.”

“She’s really good with him,” hurried Sebastian. “Teddy really likes her.”

“I’m sure,” agreed Rachel.

“So I mean it was to make sure he wasn’t in any of the pictures, but he was actually quite close by. If you saw us after the race on the barge Jess had Teddy just inside the base, well, up top actually so we could still see him.”

“It’s was only for twenty minutes or so,” justified Mark.

Rachel shook her head.

“It’s fine. I’m sure you would only leave him with someone you trust.”

“Of course. And the night thing, the dinner, she and Jenson just had him in our hotel room. We weren’t out late.”

“We had our phones just in case and we rang back half way through to be sure he was okay,” added Seb.

Rachel nodded.

“You are allowed to have a life you know.”

“Right.”

“Is she likely to be looking after him regularly if she’s his godmother?”

“Oh, no they live in Monaco.”

“Ah of course, you did say.”

“Pauline looks after him a bit, but to be honest that’s usually when we’re actually in the house,” contributed Mark. “Just to give us a break now and then. To be honest that night out in Monaco is the first time we’ve been out since we got Teddy wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. I sort of did have to go as the winner, but we could have got back in ten minutes if there’d been any issue.”

 

Rachel looked at them both. They were always so anxious to justify everything. Admittedly it wasn’t often that she had to include notes that explained a child had been babysat by a world champion racer and his model wife in what was no doubt a grand and spacious Monaco hotel room while his parents attended a dinner at the palace with royalty.

“I’m sure you took every care to be sure he was well-looked after,” she assured them.

“Yeah.”

“And they’re not going to be regular care-givers, so I don’t think it’s an issue.”

“We just...” Seb paused. “I’m not sure how it looked in the papers. I wouldn't want you to think we were off gallivanting the whole time.”

Rachel tried not to laugh at the phrase. She often wondered where Seb picked up the words he used.

“I wouldn’t think that.”

“We worked really hard to try to make sure he wasn’t photographed while we were there.”

“It is a bit mad in Monaco,” Mark added. “But we did everything we could to keep him away from that didn’t we darling?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb, not really wanting to go into all the precautions they had taken when he wasn’t sure if they might seem bizarre to someone who wasn’t there at the time. “And Britta, my assistant, she checked and made sure there were no pictures of Teddy, online and everything.”

“We have a shade for the pram, just in case,” confirmed Mark. “So even if someone got a snap, they wouldn't get a photo of Teddy.”

 

Rachel sat up a little, wondering how to alleviate their anxiety on this point. Perhaps she had emphasised protecting Teddy’s privacy too much?

“Look, I don’t want you losing sleep over this issue,” she began. “I know you want to do all you can to protect Teddy, but I appreciate that you are in an unusual position. I have been keeping an eye on things and I’ve seen nothing that would concern me. Given your role Seb, of course there is going to be coverage of you and pictures in the papers. That’s unavoidable isn’t it?”

“I guess. I mean the team want the publicity, especially with Monaco being so high-profile,” accepted Seb.

“Precisely. We’ve understood that from the start. And yes, there is the odd mention of your family in the media, that’s unavoidable too, but I have made it very clear in your notes that you do all you can to separate work and family. However it is also understandable that you wish to be together and thus Teddy is going to be around that.”

“We do get there as early as possible, leave when the paddock's empty later on,” defended Mark.

“I’m sure. And as you say, there’s no photos of him and I have no doubt that is due to all the precautions you have taken, but whilst I would recommend continuing taking these precautions, I should also say that if a photo was taken it wouldn't entirely be the end of the world. I know you don’t want it, but so long as you can prove you are doing all you can to keep Teddy from any exposure then that wouldn't hurt your case, so you understand?”

Sebastian let out a breath and Mark nodded.

“So if someone snuck one?” he checked.

“Then you don’t need to panic. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“If anything occurred that concerned you I would suggest you just call me, as you have in the past. That is what I emphasise in all my notes. You take advice and you stay in contact with the agency to discuss things. Yes?”

“Yes.”

“Nobody expects you to stay holed up in your house with the doors shut and the curtains closed the entire time. You’re allowed to live your life.” Rachel gave a little shake of her head. “That dinner. Have you even had another night out this whole time?”

“No,” confirmed Mark.

“No.” Rachel nodded. “So don’t overthink it. You’re just like any other new parents. How was it?”

Mark sighed and looked to Seb.

“Bit weird not to have him with us.”

“We were pretty nervous,” Seb admitted, “but I think. I don’t know if it sounds bad, but I think it did us good.”

“It doesn’t sound bad at all,” assured Rachel. “As long as Teddy is safely cared for there’s no reason you shouldn’t have the odd night out to enjoy yourselves. I’m sure that’s important to your relationship too, and if you’re happy, then I have no doubt that contributes to Teddy being happy.”

Sebastian let out a long breath. He had been worrying what she would think of that.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah thanks Rachel,” concurred Mark. “I think we get a bit paranoid sometimes.”

She nodded.

“I know it must be hard to feel under such scrutiny, but I’m not looking to pick holes. As I’ve always told you, if I have a concern I will contact you right away. I wouldn't leave it until our six-weekly meetings to bring it up.”

 

Mark puffed a breath. They did tend to fret before these meetings, but by the end of them they did usually feel relieved, so that had to stand for something.

“So,” continued Rachel. “Don’t worry about any of that. I’ll make my notes as I always do and explain we have discussed it, but there are no concerns. Perhaps there’s not such a well-travelled child on my books, but Teddy seems none the worse for it and you both get a lot of time at home with him as well.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We always get home as soon as we can after races.”

“Very good,” agreed Rachel. “So how is he handling flying now? You said he wasn’t so keen on take-off?”

“Um, well still not wild about that,” confessed Seb. “We give him a bottle don’t we Liebling and we’ve tried putting his ear-defenders on to block off any noise, but he still doesn’t like it much.”

“Or landings,” added Mark. “It’s the change in pressure, but apart from that he’s not so bad. On our way to Montreal he slept for most of it.”

“Oh well that’s good to hear,” Rachel accepted, making a mental note once more. 

It wouldn’t say; ‘child coping better with flying on private jet’. People tended not to relate to such things. Rachel would translate it to something more understandable; ‘travelling with parents for work’ would probably suffice. The files weren’t anonymous when examined, but she had to make sure those reading it connected with Seb and Mark and saw them as ordinary a family as possible.

 

Teddy was waving his arms up now, the toy abandoned and wanting attention, so Mark scooped him up, holding Teddy first on his lap, then turning him to hold him up higher so he could bounce.

“Getting strong little legs too,” observed Rachel.

Mark smiled at Teddy.

“Yeah he’s a lively little fella when he’s in the mood.”

“He still really likes swimming,” contributed Sebastian. “We hold him of course, but he splashes his arms and legs.”

“Very good,” smiled Rachel. “I’m sure that’s fun for all of you.”

“Yeah we love going in the pool,” chimed in Mark. “Don’t we buddy? We have a nice splash about, then we leave Papa for a proper swim.”

“So I can do my training,” Sebastian explained.

“Of course,” nodded Rachel.

 

She tried to avoid making actual notes unless she had to in these meetings. It was the fastest way to make people clam up when the whole point of coming to their home was to see them acting naturally. Rachel made another note in her head though, translating it from the less approachable; ‘child enjoys swimming in the family’s pool at their large country home’ to ‘child enjoys lots of gentle exercise with parents including swimming and playing in the fresh air’.

“So,” she moved on, “didn’t you have more plans to see your family Seb?”

Sebastian sat up a little.

“Oh yes we went the weekend after Monaco. Just for the day.”

“Ah well that was well timed.”

“Yeah it was really nice actually. Teddy got to play with his cousin Sofie. That’s my sister's little girl. She’s fifteen months now, but Teddy could interact with her more now, couldn't he Liebling?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah they were cute together. I think poor Sof coped remarkably well with this little one trying to poke her in the face.”

“Aw,” pouted Seb. “It’s just how he says hello at the moment.”

“And I’m sure your family were keen to congratulate you Seb,” commented Rachel.

“Ah yeah. My brother was still pretty excited.”

“I can imagine.”

“They’re coming to the race in Austria in a couple of weeks.”

“Oh are they? That’ll be nice.”

“And Fabe’s coming to Silverstone as well,” added Mark.

“That’s your younger brother Seb,” noted Rachel.

“Yeah. He’s great with Teddy. He’s eighteen now, my brother that is. It’s so weird. In my head he’s always a kid, but he’s just about to finish school.”

“Wow, time flies,” agreed Rachel.

“So we thought it’d be a nice treat for him,” Mark contributed. “Something to look forward to when he’s studying away right now. Plus he loves watching Seb race.”

“I’m sure he must be very proud of you.”

Sebastian shrugged, but Rachel saw the way he smiled.

“And no doubt it will be a help to you Mark if you have family at races coming up.”

“Yeah I’ll be glad of the company.”

Seb glanced to Mark, feeling guilty at how much time he spent on his own with their son.

 

“Be handy to have a few more babysitters around,” offered Rachel.

Sebastian and Mark looked to each other again. Thinking they could have done with that a race back in Canada.

“Yeah Seb’s mum a bit maybe. I might go down to the garage in Austria, we’ve not decided yet.”

Rachel nodded.

“Well I’m sure your mum would like the chance to look after Teddy Seb.”

“Mm. My brother's a bit young, but my mum yeah, here and there maybe. Just to help out.”

“Always handy to have family around,” offered Rachel.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark, letting Teddy lean into him now he had spent a bit of energy.

 

Seb saw the way their son’s arm went around Mark’s neck and how he snuggled into him. A guilty part of him wished he was holding Teddy so Rachel saw he looked after him too. Perhaps Mark deserved the credit though? He did so much more. Rachel ought to know how good Mark was as a father, how much he devoted himself to their son and what he gave up for him.

“Mark really does so much when we’re at races,” Sebastian offered. “He has Teddy the whole time. In Monaco Jess only did a little bit.”

“I’m sure,” agreed Rachel. “A help though?”

“Absolutely,” confirmed Mark. “She was great. Though Seb always makes sure he spends as much time as possible with us even when he’s working.”

“Of course. I noticed you did a little piece for television Mark.”

“In Canada? Um, yeah just a favour to a friend really.” Mark looked to her. “That’s okay isn’t it? It was only a little thing. I know I’m on leave but...”

“Oh I only meant I spotted it.”

“Seb had Teddy.”

“Of course. I wasn’t...” Rachel gave a little shake of her head. “It was only five minutes wasn’t it? I don’t think anyone’s going to be concerned about you taking five minutes out of full-time parenting.”

Mark looked sideways at Seb. Five minutes on television did not of course equate to five minutes work making it, not that he was about to point that out to their case-worker.

“It was just a one-off,” he assured.

Sebastian still looked at Mark, wondering if he should say something more, but there was no point complicating things when they had got complicated enough already.

“I don’t envisage doing it again,” Mark continued. “As I say it was just a favour. Race weekends are just too hectic.”

 

And it was bloody typical that it happened to be the one race in over a month that they had no support from family or friends to help out. It had been a mistake. Foolish to think that they could still do such things when they had Teddy. Each time it seemed they received another reality check about what was possible now they had a child and the last race had been another lesson for them.

  


 

  


Their recent trip out to Canada hadn’t been entirely straight-forward, but then life never did seem to turn out that way, no matter how well you thought you had planned it. Continuing their rather loose interpretation of which races constituted the ‘European’ part of the season, Mark and Teddy had travelled with Seb. It was a longish flight at eight hours, but with the direction of travel they had worked it so they could set off late on Wednesday afternoon and yet still arrive before dinner in Montreal, then on the way back leave after the race and travel overnight to get home before breakfast.

Theoretically it was easy enough and Teddy had indeed slept through a good portion of the journey, but he no more liked take-off and landing now than he had months earlier, no matter how his parents tried giving him his bottle and doing everything they could to distract him. Once they got there though it was much as it had been in Spain: easy enough drive to their hotel and a nice big room assigned to them with additional help pre-arranged with the hotel to ferry all their additional luggage needed for Teddy with all their needs provided for.

  


They were all still in a pretty upbeat mood following the success of Monaco and Mark was glad to see Seb keen to get back to work with the team who were in equally positive mode. He found himself missing having Jenson and Jess for company in the RedBull base though. Whenever anyone came through who he knew Mark took the chance to have a chat and as DC found him on the Friday afternoon to watch FP2 they ended up having quite a long conversation about how the cars of today compared to the cars of the days when they had both been driving in the mid-noughties.

“You know,” commented David, “we’re looking for a little extra VT to fill time this weekend. Don’t suppose you fancy coming along to do this to camera?”

Mark huffed a little laugh as he looked down to Teddy whom he was currently feeding a bottle seeing as the baby’s body-clock thought this was dinner time.

“Kinda got my hands full mate,” he pointed out.

“Oh I guess. Hmm, shame. Be nice to get a bit of insight from someone who knows what he’s talking about.”

Mark chuckled.

“Flattery will get you everywhere.”

DC shrugged.

“Hey I always get messages from folk saying they miss you.” 

Mark rolled his eyes, but his friend shook his head.

“Really,” insisted David.

“Well that’s kind, but…”

“What about when Seb’s not working?”

Mark laughed.

“When’s that?”

“Surely he has some time off. What about later today?”

Mark shook his head.

“Drivers’ meeting as well as all the prep stuff.”

“Ah yeah. Well, what about tomorrow?”

“Quali day?”

“After quali. It finishes by two here. Surely they can’t have that many hours of follow-up to do?”

 

Mark pushed out a long breath. The idea of getting to do something different, just to be a grown-up and not Daddy every moment of the day, was pretty tempting.

“Ah I dunno mate. I’d have to talk to Seb. You should have asked in Monaco. We had Jess as the handy babysitter there.”

“Mm, thing with Monaco though is you hardly have time to stop and think. I barely even had chance to come say hello that weekend.”

“That’s true,” agreed Mark. He took a deep breath and puffed it out again. “I’ll see if there’s any chance Seb has a decent break somewhere tomorrow afternoon. He might have an hour somewhere seeing as I don’t think the guys get their lunch until after qualifying’s done and dusted.”

“Great,” smiled DC as if that meant it was all sorted. “It’d just be a bit of reminiscing really, spot of comparison to the cars of today.”

Mark gave him a look.

“You know I won’t talk about Seb.”

“I don’t want you to talk about Seb. Really, the cars mate, that’s what I’m thinking. You know, wider tyres, higher speeds, are we going back to the old days? That kinda thing.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah alright.”

“Excellent. That’ll save us rehashing the championship prospects for the ninetieth time at least.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Mm, well I still need to check I can be free.”

“Sure, but in principal?”

“I’ll text you.”

“Right you are then. Nothing major, just two old lags having a natter. We could have a wander round the track a bit, relive old glories.”

 

Mark pulled a face to Teddy.

“Uncle David’s getting sentimental in his old age.”

Teddy reached a hand up to him so Mark leaned in closer to let him touch his face. David watched on, observing how involved he was with the baby.

“You could always bring him.”

Mark looked up.

“Hm? Teddy? No mate. We’re doing all we can to keep him _away_ from cameras.”

DC held up two fingers on each hand to mime a framing shot of just Mark’s head.

“We’ll just crop him out,” he proposed.

“Ha, that just guarantees he’d be crying the entire time. No I’ll have a word with Seb and let you know.”

“Right you are then.”

  


  


Two hours later Mark sat on the bed in Seb’s room running the proposition by him.

“I mean you’re probably busy. I did tell him that.”

Sebastian finished tidying away his racing gear and looked over to Mark sat holding Teddy on his knee. That was pretty much what he’d be doing all weekend long, never complaining.

“I’m sure I’d have a bit of free time. When was he wanting to do it?”

“Whenever. I mean obviously not during running or around it, but whenever you’re free. I shouldn’t have thought more than half an hour.”

Seb nodded and came to sit with him.

“I’ll check the schedule with Britta.”

“Are you sure? It’s only really as a favour to DC to fill some airtime.”

“No you should do it if you want to. You’re good at that stuff.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“What stuff?”

“Well you know, off the cuff saying what you think stuff. People like it. They always wanted to speak to you on the grid.”

“Ha, mostly cos I was mug enough to not look busy when they came over.”

“No Liebling it’s because you have interesting things to say. I’ll check and you can let DC know.” Seb reached to take Teddy and sat him sideways on his knee so their son could see both of them. “Teddybär and I will have a nice time together. I know I should do more anyway.”

“You do plenty darling,” assured Mark. 

“Between races.”

“Whenever you’re not working. Anyway, thanks. I guess it will be nice to do something a little different for a bit.”

Sebastian nodded. Surely he could find a gap in his weekend to look after his own son? Mark deserved a break, even if his break actually meant working. Seb guessed that chatting with an old friend and colleague wouldn't feeling like work compared to taking care of a baby twenty-four seven.

“Course it will Liebling. That’s fine. Okay, well I should go to the debrief. I’ll swing by her office and text you, yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Sebastian passed Teddy back, then gave them both a kiss before heading off once more. He hoped there would be a decent little window of time he could earmark for Mark, a late lunch at least, surely?

 

  


  


On Saturday afternoon Sebastian returned from the initial post-qualifying debrief to find Mark sat as ever with Teddy in hospitality at the RedBull base. He had only just taken the baby to hold on his knee when DC appeared.

“Hello. The family Vettel-Webber all here then,” greeted David.

“As you see,” agreed Mark.

David grabbed a seat to join them at the little table.

“Seb mate, well done today.”

“Thanks.”

“So you’ve got a bit of time to let hubby off the leash?”

Sebastian shook his head as Mark rolled his eyes at their friend teasing them.

“I have an hour before the race prep engineering meeting if that’s what you mean,” Seb replied.

“So we’d better get going before you say anything else stupid,” Mark encouraged, already going to stand. He leaned in to kiss Seb’s cheek, then the top of their son’s head. “We shouldn’t be more than half an hour hopefully.”

DC stood as well.

“I’ll have him back to you safe and sound by four at the latest,” he vowed.

“Thanks. See you later Liebling.”

  


They said goodbye and as they walked out Mark looked back to see Seb making Teddy give him a wave. DC laughed as he watched Mark give them a little wave back. Once they were out into the paddock he pushed into him with his arm.

“You two really need to stop being so cute,” he teased.

“Three.”

“Hm?”

“We’re three.”

David smiled, then shook his head.

“I stand corrected. You know it’s funny, I never had you pegged as the stay-at-home dad type.”

“What did you have me pegged as?” challenged Mark.

“Well a racer.”

“I’m still a racer. I’m just not doing that right now.”

“Mm, but...”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Mark looked at his friend who shrugged.

“I just can’t picture you playing house-husband, wearing a pinny in the kitchen.”

“Oh fuck off. A pinny?”

 

The look Mark gave him told DC he was straying perilously close to crossing the line with his teasing. David knew he ought to reel it in sometimes.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean… well...”

“Cos I’m gay?”

“I didn’t mean that.”

“Right.”

David put a hand on Mark’s arm.

“I really _didn’t_ mean that. I’m sorry.”

“I know the jokes people make.”

David sighed.

“They’re dicks. I didn’t mean to be one of them. Sometimes my mouth runs away with me.”

“Mm.”

 

They’d paused en route to the television production offices and David stood to look at his friend.

“Really mate. I just meant I never imagined you giving up racing that’s all.”

“I haven’t given it up. I’m on paternity leave. My choice.”

“Yeah okay. Sorry. I guess I just never thought of you being so, I dunno, domesticated.”

Mark shook his head.

“Domesticated? There’s a reason we have a housekeeper mate.”

“Ah guess so.”

 

They started walking on again, the paddock fairly quiet now qualifying was long finished.

“Tell you what mate I dare you to make a crack about wearing pinnies to her,” warned Mark.

“To who?”

“Pauline. Our housekeeper.”

“Oh right.”

“She’d have you for breakfast.”

David huffed a laugh, glad that Mark making a joke meant he was off the hook for his faux-pas.

“I’m sure she would. Anyway I can’t talk, I do pretty much whatever my wife tells me to when I’m home.”

Mark just gave a little flick of his eyebrows in acknowledgement that David wasn’t quite the person his image projected on TV. Once maybe, but they’d all mellowed over the years.

“And I like getting time to do dad stuff,” continued DC, still back-tracking. “Sometimes I wish I was home more to do that.”

 

Mark nodded. He wondered how he and Seb were going to manage that when their son was older. Would they still both be racing? Something was going to have to give at some point.

“You wouldn't consider getting a nanny to help out?” wondered David.

Mark shook his head.

“Kindof defeats the object doesn’t it?”

DC shrugged a shoulder.

“Might make life easier?”

“It’s not what we want.”

“Fair enough.”

“Also we’re too damn stubborn.”

David laughed.

“Ah well that sounds about right.”

“It’s not always easy,” Mark admitted, “but honestly I wouldn't change it.”

David nodded.

“Good to hear.”

“And yeah I know. I never pictured me as a stay-at-home dad either. If you’d told me this was how things would be five years ago I’d have laughed in your face, but you know what mate? I’m bloody glad I was wrong.”

“Ah well I’m wrong plenty of times,” offered DC.

“Ha, you’re right there mate.”

  


David opened up the door of the temporary television production offices to introduce Mark to his producer so they could have a quick chat before getting going with the filming. They’d promised to make it a purely technical discussion, nothing personal, but DC wished he could have a proper interview with Mark to share a little of what he saw beside the scenes. As it was David wasn’t even going to get to say well done for Seb’s victory in Monaco, though of course he had off-camera. That door to the Vettel-Webber’s family life was still firmly shut to the public. It was a shame in a way, but it was their call and for all David’s clumsy jokes, he did understand why that was.

  


  


Back at the base Sebastian got half way through drinking a coffee before Teddy started crying for a nappy change. He abandoned his drink to take him back to his room, then sat on his bed with a couple of Teddy’s toys out so they could have a play for a while. It actually felt a little strange to be here on his own without Mark present. Not that Seb didn’t look after Teddy on his own at home now and then, but usually that was only while Mark got a nap if he was over-tired, or while he cooked them a meal perhaps. Seb knew Mark was on his own with their son for far longer periods. Next year he would have to get used to the same when Mark returned to racing and they had to take it in turns to be the primary carer. Long way off yet.

Dangling the dinosaur toy over Teddy, Sebastian laughed as the baby grabbed it and began chewing on his ear.

“Poor Dino,” sympathised Seb. “That’s no way to treat your friend Teddybär.”

Teddy merely gummed his toy again and Sebastian wondered if that meant he would be getting his first teeth through soon as the nurse had warned he might soon during their last visit for their health visitor check up.

“Are you getting a tooth through yet Schatz?” wondered Seb. “Guess you’ll tell us about it when you do.”

He stroked over his son’s round cheek. Nearly five and a half months now. How time flew.

  


 

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. Seb beckoned them in, half expecting it to be Mark back, though as Britta entered it occurred to him that Mark probably wouldn't knock.

“Ah, Sebastian here you are,” she greeted him.

Sebastian realised he had told Britta he would be in hospitality if she needed him.

“Oh yeah sorry. Pitstop required.”

“Sure. So um is Mark about?”

Sebastian frowned.

“No he’s doing that bit of filming I told you about.”

“Oh right. He’s not back?”

Seb looked at his watch. It was only twenty-five to four.

“Well no. I thought I was free until four.”

“Ah,” stopped Britta awkwardly. “I just got the message they want to start the engineering meeting.”

“Now?”

Britta gave a tip of her head to the side.

“Well yes. Good job Christian caught me as I’m just off to a meeting myself.”

“Oh right.”

“Just a general media planning meeting.”

“Right. Um...” 

Sebastian looked to Teddy lying on the bedside him still holding his toy and chewing away. He didn’t want to be rude and say he didn’t much care what Britta's meeting was about when he had rather an issue with his own. 

“Did he say right away?” he checked.

“The engineering meeting? Well I think they want to get on with it. Is Mark on his way back?”

 

Sebastian looked at his watch again. Mark had said half an hour, but was that half an hour total, or half an hour filming with everything else on top? Seb had told him that it was fine until four.

“He might be. Um, I’ll have to ring him. Can you let them know I’ll be on my way, just, um, I’m gonna be a few minutes.”

“Is everything alright?” checked Britta.

“Sure.”

“Where are they filming? I could send someone.”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Somewhere on track. Probably. I’m not sure exactly. They might be back at their base now, or… I dunno.”

“Ah. But you can ring him?”

Sebastian nodded. He’d have to. Damn.

“Okay well so if I say you’ll be there as soon as you can?” continued Britta.

“Yep,” Seb agreed, already pulling out his phone.

“Do you want me to wait?”

“Oh um, no you go to your meeting. I’ll just ring him. I’m sure they’ll be done by now. They’re probably walking back already. Just tell Christian I’ll be five minutes.”

“Okay. See you later then.”

Britta nodded and let herself out as Sebastian was dialling.

  


  


Out on the track by the run-off at turns one and two Mark stood being filmed as he and David exchanged a laugh about the times they had come a cropper here.

“Not my finest moment,” agreed Mark, “but as we saw with Verstappen on Friday it can be all too easy to lose it here and though these wider tyres do give more grip that’s sometimes no more help than it was in our day.”

DC laughed and began sharing his own tale of woe from racing round this track. In Mark’s pocket his phone rang persistently on silent, then paused and rang again, then again, entirely unnoticed.

  


  


Sebastian let out a heavy sigh, then rang again and left a voicemail.

“Liebling where are you? Please ring me back. I need to go work now. I’m sorry, they’ve pulled things forward.”

He hung up. Then stubbornly rung the number again even though Seb knew it was unlikely to be answered if the past half dozen attempts had failed.

“Damn,” he huffed.

Teddy looked up to him and Sebastian tried not to sound so annoyed.

“Sorry Teddy. It’s okay. I’m just trying to reach Daddy.”

Sebastian sighed again and checked his watch. Twenty to four now. He’d told Britta he would only be five minutes. Now he was already late. He knew it wasn’t Mark’s fault seeing as he had said an hour was fine, but Seb hated being late, even if it was someone else’s fault for pulling something early. He bit his lip anxiously and typed a text message.

SEB: They’ve pulled the prep meeting early Liebling. Please call me. I need to go.

He waited a minute, then sent another message.

SEB: I’m sorry. I know I said an hour. Could finish up later maybe? I know it’s a pain.

SEB: You’re not reading these are you?

 

Sebastian pushed out a frustrated breath and stood to begin pacing the room, watching Teddy lying on the bed as he waited for his phone to ring.

It didn’t ring.

Then his phone bleeped with a message, actually making him jump, but as he rushed to check it, Seb’s heart sank further to see it was from Christian, not Mark.

CHRISTIAN: Seb is there a problem? We really need to get started.

Pressing redial Sebastian couldn't hide the growing stress building in him. He got Mark’s voicemail again, so he left another message. Much good it might do him.

“Liebling please ring me back.” Seb sighed. “I know I said an hour. That’s what I was told. I’m sorry. You must have your phone on silent.” Seb ran a hand through his hair. Of course Mark had his phone on silent if he was filming. Damnit. “I really need to go. I’m late now. I know it’s not your fault Liebling but _please_ call me.”

He hung up. Then struck by a brainwave Seb tried ringing DC’s number before realising that it too would be on silent. He didn’t leave him a message.

Hearing a murmur Sebastian looked to Teddy again, worrying immediately that he might have rolled off the bed while he had looked away for a moment, but as he sat beside him again Sebastian saw that his son was only wanting the soft toy he had dropped.

He pushed out a long, slow breath to try to calm himself even though he could feel the time ticking by almost as pressingly as he had during his qualifying lap earlier. Mark would be back by four as arranged, but by then Seb would be nearly half an hour late. He couldn’t miss half an hour of an engineering meeting, especially not when it was to prepare for the race tomorrow. Seb could feel his anxiety ramping up again and didn’t know what to do. He looked to his son feeling guilty that he was thinking of him as a problem.

“Not your fault Kleiner. Not Daddy’s either. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have said I was free.”

Teddy was less lively than before. Perhaps he might drop off for a nap again? If he did that, if he was quiet…

Sebastian lifted his phone to his ear to leave another message, gathered up the baby bag onto his shoulder, then scooped Teddy up making sure to bring his toy and headed out.

  


  


A couple of minutes later he reached the meeting room where he could see through the glass panel that everyone was already sat around the large table, laptops out as they went through things, the meeting in full progress. Sat at the top of the table, Christian looked up to see Sebastian stood outside in the general office area, babe in arms.

“Ah. One moment folks,” he excused as he got up to step outside.

“Christian I’m so sorry,” apologised Sebastian immediately.

“Where’s Mark?”

Sebastian sighed.

“Filming a piece with DC. I thought this was scheduled for four?”

“Ah well we need to get on. We’ve had new weather forecasts through and it rather throws things up in the air for the race.”

“Oh.” Sebastian bit his lip and looked to Teddy who was sleepily resting into his shoulder. “I’ve tried ringing Mark but his phone is on silent.”

“So he’s AWOL?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I think he’s gonna have a nap.”

Christian nodded, then glanced back to the meeting room full of people trying not to be too obvious they were watching on as they waited to resume their discussions. He sighed and looked to his godson.

“Well he looks quiet. Why don’t you bring him in?”

Sebastian looked to his son again. Perhaps he could have brought the pram and asked some of the staff in this outer office to keep an eye on him, but even as that thought crossed his mind Seb knew he couldn't do that. They had jobs to do and besides, even if they were team members he knew, Sebastian couldn’t leave his son with virtual strangers. Not even if he was in the next room. Nope. There really was only one option.

 

As Christian held the door open and as Sebastian followed, his boss smiled to the group, noting more than a few raised eyebrows.

“Right, little addition to our meeting. Bit of a mix-up over times.”

Sebastian tried not to look too sheepish as someone pulled out a seat for him and he carefully sat down, settling a thankfully peaceful baby into his arms.

“So sorry I’m late. I’ll step out if he makes any noise.”

“It’s fine. We’ll use our quiet voices. Now then, if we could catch Seb up with what he’s missed?”

Seb looked to be sure Teddy was settled, then caught the way Daniel was grinning at him from across the table. Sebastian knew he’d be teasing him for this, but Dan just gave him a wink as Seb spared a hand to turn his printed notes to the correct page. He could do this. He just needed Teddy to fall asleep.

  


 

Outside in the office two of the PR assistants peered over, then tactically went to get drinks of water so they could have a surreptitious nose into the meeting room as they passed. They stood by the water cooler, still looking back over towards the glass panel in the door.

“He’s really got the baby in there then,” noted one.

“Aw it’s cute.”

The other young woman coughed a little laugh.

“Can you imagine what people would say if we tried that?”

“What?”

“Bringing a baby into work. They’d say we weren’t coping.”

“Ah come on, that’s a bit harsh. You see them with the baby all the time. They look like really good parents to me.”

“I didn’t mean that. I meant if it was us.”

The other girl shrugged her shoulder.

“Well I think it’s sweet.”

“Where’s Mark?”

“I dunno. Do you think I should knock and offer to babysit?”

“No I think we should go do our actual jobs.”

They both disposed of the little plastic cups and walked back to their desks to go through their own preparations for the following day. The first woman looked to the other.

“Yeah alright so it does look cute,” she observed, looking over to see Seb holding what looked like a fast asleep baby as the meeting went on around him, “but you wouldn't catch me doing that.”

“Ha, what with your secret baby you’ve never mentioned?”

The both laughed and went back to what they were meant to be doing. This was going to make great gossip.

  


  


As they rounded up their discussion to camera Mark was just thinking they were done when a helicopter flew close overhead just as DC was finishing his sentence, drowning out his voice.

“Bugger,” laughed DC. “Right, try that again.”

Mark checked his watch as they set up to re-do that last little bit over again. Damn, ten to four already, he was going to have to rush back.

“Alright?” checked David.

“Yep.”

“From the hand-off about the fastest corners here. Let’s take another swing at it.”

“Sure.”

They re-filmed the end of their piece, trying to make it seem as natural as the first time they had done it. The cameraman checked to be sure it was fine this time, then gave them the thumbs up.

“Great. Thanks Bill,” David turned to Mark. “And thanks for doing this.”

“No problem. I need to head back though.”

“Ah okay, course.”

 

Mark set off walking at a rapid pace, leaving them to go back to their production office alone. As he checked his watch again he saw it was now five to four  so he pulled out his phone to text Seb that he was on his way back now in case he was worry ing , only then seeing all the missed calls and text. Mark’s heart seized in panic, instantly fearing that something terrible could have happened with Teddy. Then he read the texts and calmed down a fraction, though his feet were moving all the faster as he now listened to the voicemails. 

_Damn_ , swore Mark in his head as he heard how Seb sounded on the phone. Mark could tell when his husband was failing to hide getting worked up. He listened to the last message as he re-entered the paddock.

“Liebling I’m going to have to take him with me. I’ve got to go. We’ll be in the main meeting room.” There was a heavy sigh. “I know it’s their fault for pulling it early but I can’t be any later than I already am.”

His voice sounded stressed but resigned. Mark pressed redial, but now it was Seb’s phone that was on silent as he sat in his meeting. Mark shoved his phone into his pocket and ran towards the RedBull base.

  


 

 

A couple of minutes later Christian looked up from making a couple of notes as the chief strategist spoke and saw a tall figure at the door window, clearly hesitating about knocking.

“Ah. Seb,” he prompted.

Sebastian looked to his boss, then saw where he was nodding towards.

“Oh um, sorry. Just be a sec.”

He stood, still trying not to disturb Teddy resting into him, then shouldered the bag so he could open the door and step out. Mark was till trying to recover his breath as he stood there.

“Where’ve you been?” asked Seb.

Mark coughed.

“You know where I was. You said four.”

Sebastian sighed and half glanced back to the roomful of people waiting behind the now closed door. Now wasn’t the time to discuss this.

“Right. Sorry.”

“It’s only on four now,” pointed out Mark.

“I know. They pulled it forwards.”

Mark huffed a breath, then took Teddy and accepted the bag Seb added to his shoulder.

“I have to get back in there,” noted Seb.

“Yep.”

 

Sebastian walked back into the meeting, apologising once again before making a point of getting right back into work. He didn’t look out to see Mark walking away with their son, but Seb already felt bad about how that conversation had just gone. It was the team’s fault for moving the meeting forward, not Mark’s. Damn. That hadn’t been fair to sound so annoyed. Poor Mark.

“So Sebastian, your thoughts?”

Sebastian looked up. Oh crap. He hadn’t been listening. What were the team going to think of him?

“Um, well I think it depends on how the weather turns out,” he offered vaguely, hoping it had at least been something to do with that.

“Hmm, good point,” agreed Christian. “Okay, well let’s run the different scenarios. If you would Will?”

  


  


It was another forty-five minutes before Seb found Mark back in his room. He paused outside the door thinking the fact Mark hadn’t been in the main hospitality area might not be a good sign. Sebastian took a deep breath, then pushed the door open to see Mark half lying propped on the bed, Teddy asleep into his chest.

“Hey,” Seb greeted quietly.

“Mark turned his head.

“Oh, hey.”

Shutting the door behind him, Seb came over and they looked at one another for a moment.

“I’m really sorry Liebling.”

“I thought we were fine until four.”

“So did I.”

“Didn’t you tell them?”

“I did. I cleared it with Britta. I was meant to be free then, but they wanted an extended meeting cos of the weather forecast for tomorrow.”

Mark sighed. He knew how teams ran on race weekends. Nothing came before the task in hand. Sebastian was pouting, but Mark knew it wasn’t an attempt to manipulate him. He looked upset and Mark hated when Seb got that tight expression on his face that told him he was worrying. Mark carefully moved to sit up a bit so Seb could perch beside him.

 

“It’s okay,” he reassured. “I just panicked a bit when I saw my phone. I thought something had happened to Teddy.”

“Oh god. Liebling I’m so sorry. I knew your phone was on silent. I just...”

“You were stressing out.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark nodded back.

“Not the best plan as it turns out. I shouldn’t have let DC talk me into it.”

“It was the team’s fault.”

“Hmm.”

“I’m sorry Liebling. I didn’t mean to sound so snotty with you. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I guess I can’t be doing stuff like that on a race weekend. It was stupid to think I could.”

“Oh Mark.” Seb was pouting all the more now. He hated hearing Mark sound down on himself. “No Liebling. We made a plan. It should have worked.”

“But it didn’t. No sweetheart I think trying fitting anything extra in on a race weekend is definitely out in future.”

Sebastian sighed and looked up at him.

“I’m sorry Liebling.”

“It’s okay. Deal I signed up to.”

“You do so much. I feel awful you can’t just have one hour off.”

“Just not at a race.”

Sebastian couldn't oppose that. It seemed they’d found out they really couldn't stretch things.

“It’s alright,” assured Mark once more. 

“It’s not really.”

“Ah Seb, I’m sure Christian will let you off for one sticky moment. How late were you?”

“I didn’t mean that. I meant you.”

“Oh.”

“They’d only been going ten minutes. It was Christian who suggested I bring Teddy in really.”

“Was he good?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah he was pretty much asleep.” He stroked over Teddy’s head. “Timed it well.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“At least one of us did.”

“I’m sorry Liebling. You should get chances to do other things. It isn’t fair on you.”

Mark shook his head.

“I wasn’t even that fussed. It was a favour to DC.”

“Even so. I do feel bad how much you do. You never complain.”

“This was what we agreed darling.”

“Yeah but it shouldn’t all be on you.”

“Seb.”

“All the time at track on your own with him. All the times you get up in the night, not me.”

Mark sighed. How many times had they been over this?

 

“I don’t want to argue sweetheart.”

“Neither do I, but I want to do more. You deserve to have more time for you, even if it’s not working or anything like this,” insisted Seb. “I wish I did have more time on race weekends.”

“You don’t though.”

“No, but at home.”

“Sweetheart we’re not budging on the sleep thing. If you’re racing, I’m getting up.”

“Alright, but other stuff. Time for you.”

“For what?”

“Well I don’t know. Grown-up time.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We get some nice grown-up time when he has his afternoon naps.”

Sebastian smiled at that.

“Okay, I like that too, but I could look after him on my own if you wanted to do anything.”

“Like what? Really darling. I just like us being as a family when we’re home.”

“Isn’t there anything you’re missing?”

Mark sighed.

“Maybe. I do miss work a bit, but that’s just how it goes.”

 

Sebastian pressed his lips together, trying to think what might actually work. Mark couldn't just do the odd race when he was on leave from his team this year.

“What about cycling?” he offered. “We used to do that all the time. You love cycling.”

“Mark looked down to Teddy.”

“He’s too young to go in a seat.”

“What about those little trailers you can get?”

Mark mulled it over. Maybe they could find somewhere to check them out. If Teddy was strapped in safely? But how would they feel having their baby so exposed on roads if a car went by?

“I dunno. I think he’s a bit young yet.”

“Well, I could look after him and you could go for a ride?”

Mark gave a little shake of his head. He used to do that alone; long bike rides out into the countryside, part training, part just enjoying himself.

“To be honest I’d be thinking I’d rather you were with me,” he confessed.

“Well...” Sebastian looked to Teddy. “What about if we asked Pauline to babysit for an hour? You know she’s always offering.”

Mark nodded slowly.

“Maybe. I guess if he’s having a nap like this.”

“Okay, and anything else you want to do?”

Mark shrugged.

“Honestly darling I’m not unhappy. You know DC was making his little gags earlier about me being the one in the pinny at home.”

Sebastian’s mouth opened wide.

“He did what?”

“It was only a joke darling. It’s just what he’s like.”

“Hmm.”

“Anyway. I wasn’t standing for that, so I set him straight.”

“I’ll bet you did Liebling.”

“But the point was, I made my choice. Okay, so reality’s not always quite as neat and tidy as what we planned, but it’s not like I’m unhappy. We’re even getting near enough proper kip these days.”

“Yeah I spose.”

“Maybe we’ll even get our room to ourselves soon when he moves into the nursery?”

 

Mark could see Seb looked rather uncertain about that so he leaned a little more into him.

“Not right away. Maybe we’ll leave that to the summer break? Give us time to adjust to the transition.”

Sebastian nodded, though he didn’t really know how it was going to feel not to have their son within arms reach when he cried in the night. Mark was right, Teddy didn’t do that so much these days. Mark was looking at their son too, thinking much the same thing.

“No rush,” he assured.

“Yeah. Be a bit strange,” Seb admitted.

“Mm. He’ll be fine in the nursery though.”

Sebastian smiled and stroked over Teddy’s arm.

“Strange for us.”

“Ah. Yeah. Spose so darling. On the other hand, that grown-up time you mentioned...”

“Yeah.” Seb nodded. “That would be nice.”

“Maybe even ditch the pyjamas.”

 

Sebastian laughed. He’d got pretty used to sleeping in pyjamas, but he did miss feeling closer with Mark, acting on impulse when a kiss developed into something more. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad if Teddy was in his own room?

“Maybe,” he agreed. “Though I think we’ll still be up. I think he might be getting a tooth through soon. He keeps chewing on his toys.”

“Oh lord. There’s another little joy to look forward to. Ah well.”

Sebastian leaned his head onto Mark’s shoulder.

“I will help. It’s not all on you Liebling.”

“No okay.”

“And we’re not so far off the break, then I can really help.”

“Yeah. Break’ll be good. Our little holiday at home.”

“Can’t wait.” Seb turned his head up to look at Mark. “You do know how much I appreciate all you do, don’t you Liebling?”

“Of course.”

“You’re the rock that holds our family up. We all lean on you.”

“Literally.”

Mark kissed Seb’s nose and they looked at one another for a moment.

 

“I tell you what sweetheart. If we’re thinking about getting a nice bit of grown-up time, it’d be nice if we could go out for a meal for your birthday. That’s not far off now.”

Seb lifted his head to look at him.

“Oh okay. If you’d like that.”

“Well it’s your birthday.”

“No I meant… of course that would be nice. You mean asking Pauline to babysit?”

“Yeah. Just for a couple of hours. You trust her don’t you?”

“Of course. Yeah that’d be nice. Maybe the Saturday night just before?”

“Well there we go, there’s a nice treat for me.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Your grown-up time treat is to take me out for my birthday.”

“Sure.”

Seb looked to Teddy who was just beginning to stir.

“Oh, actually the Saturday’s his six month birthday.”

“Is that a thing?”

“Course.”

“Alright, so you don’t want it to be Saturday?”

“Sunday?”

“Fine. Sunday night. Leads actually into your birthday then. Maybe Teddy could even have a trial run stay in his cot in the nursery?”

“Um. Maybe,” prevaricated Seb.

“If he’s on good form,” ameliorated Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

“Good. See, lots of nice grown-up things to look forwards to.”

“I meant it to be for you,” Seb pointed out.

“They are for me. Not much fun on my own.” Mark leaned in to whisper in Seb’s ear. “Especially if we’re losing the pjs.”

Sebastian smiled.

“That’s true.”

“And you know, all the while DC was teasing me about wearing a pinny in the kitchen I couldn't help but think of a time I actually did.”

Seb frowned for a moment. Then he remembered and a smile spread across his face as he recalled the occasion on which Mark had worn that and nothing else. It seemed a very long time ago.

“Oh yeah I remember that.”

“I’d think you would. See DC can tease me all he likes, but I always have the upper hand darling because he really doesn’t know the half of it does he?”

“No Liebling, that’s just for us.”

“Darn right.” Mark smiled as Teddy blinked his eyes open and looked up at his parents. “Hey there buddy-boy. You awake now? How did you enjoy your first engineering meeting?”

Sebastian shook his head, then gave Teddy a smile before checking his watch. Another ten minutes before he needed to go down to the garage. More work. He’d better make the most of this family time while he could.

  


 

  


  


Rachel watched as Seb and Mark exchanged yet another silent look before Mark spoke again.

“Where possible we’ve found it’s best to keep it as simple as we can at race weekends. I think that’s what we’ve learned.”

Rachel nodded.

“Well we all learn as we go. I’m sure any family would say the same.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Anyway as we said, next couple of races we’ve got a bit of back-up, so that’ll be good.”

“What about your family Mark, have you any plans to see them soon?”

“They’ll be coming over in the summer again.”

“Ah okay, I’m sure you’re looking forward to that.”

“For sure. Yeah I think we’re looking forwards to the break all round aren’t we sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb. “We’re not going anywhere this year. We’re just going to stay home.”

“Staycation,” offered Rachel.

“Hm?”

“I believe that’s what it’s called. A holiday at home.”

“Oh I see. Yeah.”

“I suppose you get enough of travelling.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“You could say that. Yeah we just want to make the most of our time. Keep our fingers crossed for better weather than this.”

“Ha, yes it’s not much like June is it?” Rachel smiled.

“Ah well that’s English weather for you. If it lets us down at least we’ve got the pool.”

“Indeed. You’re very lucky.”

“We are. Seb’s birthday's coming up too so we’re hoping to do something for that as well.”

“Oh? Anything nice?”

“Just go out for a meal maybe.”

“We thought Pauline could babysit,” added Seb. “That’s okay isn’t it?”

Rachel hid a sigh.

“Of course it’s okay. You are allowed to go out every now and then.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Now he’s a bit bigger we are trying to, I don’t know...”

“Find a bit of time for yourselves?” tried Rachel.

Sebastian looked to Mark, then back at her.

“Yeah I guess that’s it. Especially for Mark when he does so much.”

“Well that sounds like a good idea to me. Everyone needs a bit of time off. Balance is important. You know if there’s anything we can do to help you only have to ask.”

Sebastian frowned.

“We don’t need help. We’re fine.”

“I’m sure you are,” reassured Rachel. “I didn’t mean to suggest it was a problem. There are support groups though. I know you’ve never really wanted to go before, but if you ever change your mind I could sort that for you.”

Mark could see Seb worrying that he’d said the wrong thing.

“I think we’re fine Rachel, thanks for offering, but as you said, we’re very lucky with the support we get from family and friends.”

“And Pauline,” added Seb.

“Ah well I pretty much count Pauline in the former category these days.”

“Yeah, she’s great,” chimed Seb.

“Well that’s good, but if you ever did need support or help of any kind you should know that wouldn't count against you. Lots of our families need that, either in practical terms or just to talk things through, share what you’re going through, that kind of thing.”

“That’s very kind Rachel,” replied Mark calmly. “We’ll bear it in mind.”

 

Seb still didn’t look happy to Mark, so he decided the best way to fix that was to pass Teddy over to him.

“I’m just gonna ditch these mugs in the kitchen. Does anyone want anything?”

“Oh I’m fine thanks,” assured Rachel.

“Seb?”

Sebastian was too busy giving Teddy a cuddle to have heard him so Mark repeated himself.

“Sweetheart do you want anything from the kitchen?”

“No I’m good.”

Mark nodded and collected up the mugs to dump by the sink, pausing to give the dogs a quick rub seeing as they had been banished in here this morning. When he went back into the lounge Mark found they had moved to sit on the sofas once more. He sat beside Seb and casually placed his hand on Seb’s thigh next to where Teddy sat, now leaning into his father’s chest.

“Think someone’s gonna want a nap in a bit,” Mark observed.

“Oh well I won’t keep you much longer,” promised Rachel. “I think we’re pretty much caught up aren’t we?”

Mark nodded.

“Is there anything you wanted to talk about?” Rachel enquired. “Anything you wanted to ask me?”

“Um?” Mark looked to Seb. It was really only ever the same question. “I think really just checking we’re alright. There’s nothing you think we need to do, I dunno, different, or extra, or anything more we can do to help things?”

“No I’ve no concerns.”

“I do try to spend as much time supporting Mark as possible whenever I’m not working,” asserted Sebastian suddenly.

Mark tried not to sigh. Seb never thought he did enough. Whether it was enough training, enough work for the team, enough good results, enough for him, enough for their son. Quite how a four-time world champion could manage to feel any level of inadequacy might be a mystery to some, but Mark knew old wounds ran deep.

It certainly didn’t help that Dr Marko had heard about their little incident in Montreal and accidentally on purpose let slip a little remark to the press that Seb’s fourth place  finish in the race might be down to him being ‘distracted’ lately. The press had seemed to assume he meant as a result of Sebastian’s win in Monaco, but Seb knew what he meant and Mark could quite cheerfully have lamped his old boss when he heard. As if quarter of an hour lost to a meeting due to looking after his own son was unforgivable.

 

“I know you do Seb,” insisted Rachel.

“Course he does. Every bit of time he’s free and all the time possible at home,” Mark added.

Rachel nodded, but it wasn’t hard to tell Seb needed reassuring.

“You know, I think I’ve said this before, but even with the time you have to add in travelling to races, you still have far more time at home than most working parents.”

“Yeah I guess,” accepted Seb.

“And like most working parents I’ve no doubt you wish you had more time to spare.” Rachel gave them both a smile from where she sat on the other sofa. “And you too Mark. I think all of us could do with more hours in the day.”

“Ha, yeah you’ve got that right,” agreed Mark. “Perhaps in an ideal world Seb and I could job share?”

Rachel gave a tip of her head.

“I suppose you can’t?”

Mark laughed.

“That was a joke I’m afraid. No F1 doesn’t work that way, even if I wasn’t a bit past it.”

“You’re not past it Liebling.”

Mark gave him a smile, noting how quickly Seb had asserted that.

“Well thank you darling. Shame really. I can see how that would work: I could do Monday to Wednesdays and you could do Friday to Sunday.”

Sebastian laughed at last.

“Oh I see. Very good Liebling. What about Thursday?”

Mark shrugged.

“Half each?”

“Let me guess. I get the afternoon?”

Mark gave him a wink, pleased to have made  Seb smile at least.

“You’re best at that stuff darling.”

“What’s Thursday afternoons?” enquired Rachel, having worked out at least that Mark’s joke meant Seb doing all the work.

 

“Media sessions.”

“Ah I see.”

“At which Seb is a pro.”

Seb gave a little shake of his head.

“Mark’s good at it too. To be honest I’d happily drop that stuff.”

“They’ve not given you any more trouble though have they?” emphasised Mark. “Not about this, prying about Teddy or anything.”

“No Britta's got them in line.”

“And Seb’s very firm about it aren’t you?” Mark encouraged.

Sebastian nodded.

“They know I won’t talk about it at all now. So they’ve stopped asking.”

“Well that’s good,” assured Rachel.

“They do mention about my family a bit,” admitted Seb, “but only saying they’re with me. There was a bit of course with Mark after Monaco, but none of them say anything about Teddy.”

“Most of them do at least have a conscience when it comes to a kid,” noted Mark.

“I’m sure that’s a relief to you,” agreed Rachel. “And in terms of your work Seb, you have your summer break coming up. So you’ll have more time then at home.”

“Yeah definitely looking forwards to that,” nodded Seb.

“How long is it?”

“Four weeks pretty much,” Seb replied. “Bit less I suppose ahead of Spa, but three and a half at least.”

“Wow that’s great.”

“Yeah we are lucky I suppose.”

“Racing on my birthday this year aren’t you?” commented Mark. He gave Seb a little wink. “Have to win it for me.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh, relaxing a bit now.

“I’ll try my best.”

“Your best is pretty good.” Mark dipped in to look at Teddy. “You like watching Papa racing don’t you darling? Hm?” He looked back to Rachel. “Ah think he’s gone tired.”

 

Seb leaned to kiss the top of Teddy’s head, then shifted him to lie back into his arms more so he could drop off if he felt like it. Rachel smiled over, glad to see them looking settled again. Sebastian was gazing down at the baby and Rachel was about to say something about how content Teddy looked when Seb looked back to her.

“Rachel we are getting closer aren’t we?”

“Of course you are. Look, when I get back to the office I’m going to go all through your file, see what notes I need to add in and then I’m going to get my boss to go over it all to give it a proper review, but I don’t really think I’ve got an awful lot more to add.”

“Is that a good thing?” checked Mark.

“Yes. Really, I promise you, you’re doing great. Teddy is a very lucky little boy. All I’m trying to do here is to help. I can’t rush anything, but that’s not down to you. That’s just how it works. I did warn you from the outset that this wasn’t a fast process, but I understand it must be frustrating.”

“I think we just want some idea of where we stand,” stated Mark.

“Okay, well six to eight months is standard in a first adoption.”

“To get it completed you mean?”

“Yes. Barring any issue.” She saw the look Seb gave Mark. “And whilst I appreciate that your case may have what we might call unusual elements to consider, I don’t have anything I need to report as a concern. That’s what these meetings are for, to help us understand everything that is going on, iron out anything and help move things along.”

“So we are moving things along?” checked Sebastian.

“Yes. Like I say I’m going to have your case reviewed, then I think we should be ready to put it forward.”

Both Mark and Sebastian’s eyes widened at that.

“To the adoption board?” asked Mark.

Rachel nodded.

“I can’t make any promises. First step is for me to ensure your case-file is as prepared as it can be. So I’ll need to do some work there and I’ll get it reviewed to be sure I’m not missing anything. If there is anything we need clarifying or require adding information then I will be in touch.”

“Do you think there is anything?” interrupted Seb.

“Not off the top of my head no, or I’d be asking now, but I’ll get my boss to have a look to make sure. We want to be certain we have your case as clear and straight-forward as possible before it is looked at.”

“And then they decide?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“So is it just like it was for us being approved to adopt in the first place last year?”

“Um, well there is more to look at, but in principle.”

“So do they just say yes or no?”

 

Rachel let out long breath. She wanted to keep things as simple as possible for them, but it wasn’t entirely black and white.

“Unless there was something dramatic brought up, then usually what would happen would be that they would come back to me and I would work with you to see if we could revise any issues and then assuming they were overcome to a satisfactory degree, then the case would go back to them again.”

“Oh right.”

“But they might just say yes?” asked Mark.

“Yes,” confirmed Rachel. “That’s why I will work hard to make sure when they reach your case it is as prepared as possible and they won’t have to come back to me over anything.”

“Okay. Is there anything we can do?”

“You just keep doing the most important thing which is looking after Teddy and being a family. I know it might sound trite, but I don’t want you losing sleep over this.”

Mark nearly snorted a laugh. Some hope there.

“You don’t know when though?” pressed Sebastian.

“Well we’re almost at the six month mark. We’re fully up to date now with our review meetings, I have all your medical check-ups. So I’m going to put it all together and then I will see if I can find out when the board is meeting once I’ve done that.”

“Could you let us know?” requested Mark.

“I’ll let you know when I’ve done all I can from my side. Unfortunately given the backlog in the system I can’t promise when your case will be reviewed by the board.”

“Oh really?”

“I’m sorry. Not to make a political point, but there have been a lot of cuts lately and everyone’s workload has increased.”

 

Sebastian sighed, feeling deflated. He had got his hopes up then, only to learn they were just another file in a huge pile. Bureaucracy again. Mark gave his leg a subtle rub.

“Pity we can’t make a donation to help out,” he commented. He huffed a laugh as Rachel opened her mouth. “Just a joke. Guess that’d count as bribery.”

Rachel smiled.

“I’m afraid it would. I’m sure you make plenty of donations in tax form.”

“Ah now that’s true.” 

Mark gave Seb a little smile. Living here they paid plenty, but it didn’t help them here. Normally they wouldn't think of wanting preferential treatment, but when it came to their son they would pay any amount of money to get what they wanted. Not how it worked though.

“Okay, so we are at least in a good position?” Mark checked.

“Absolutely,” reassured Rachel. 

“There’s really nothing we can do to help things?” asked Seb.

 

Rachel looked at him. She never seemed to quite get through to them that despite their situation being unusual, it still ranked as pretty much her highlight, even if due to confidentiality rules being one she couldn't share, even with her colleagues. She couldn't even make a little joke in the breakroom kitchen about them fretting over such first world problems as a baby crying when its ears popped every time they flew around the world on their private jet, or his parents getting anxious over him being babysat while they went to dinner with royalty at a palace because one of his fathers had just won the Monaco Grand Prix.

Their concerns were as legitimate as any other prospective parents’, but none of them had to worry about their child being exposed to the paparazzi or fans outside their hotel. If any other family she worked with had to be concerned with how they were portrayed in the media it was for far more worrying reasons than because they were photographed celebrating winning a race.

 

She sat forwards slightly to address them.

“You’re doing exactly what you need to. Just keep doing that. I’ll give you a ring when I put your case forward so at least you know where you stand.”

“So that would be soon?” asked Seb.

Rachel nodded. She’d just have to put in some more early starts and late nights working on it.

“As soon as I can,” she vowed. “By the end of the week if I can get my boss to look it over, but she’s pretty busy too.”

“Of course. We do appreciate that.”

“We appreciate all you do,” added Mark.

“Well thank you. Only my job, but thank you. Then after that it just depends when it can be formally reviewed. I won’t be able to give you a date on that to be honest because it depends how quickly they get through the other cases before them and that’s a bit of a piece of string question if you get my meaning.”

“You mean if they’re quick decisions for them?” 

“Essentially.”

“Okay. Well at least if we know we’re at that point.”

Sebastian let out an uneven little breath, suddenly feeling horribly nervous.

“It’s good,” reassured Rachel. “I wouldn't put you forward if I wasn’t confident in my recommendation.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

 

Mark moved his hand to put it around Seb to give him a little squeeze. It was everything they wanted, but as ever there were no guarantees. Hardly wonder Seb was nervous, Mark felt nervous too. If only they could go before that board themselves to argue their case. If only those faceless officials could see how perfect their little boy was and how much they loved him, surely nobody could think of blocking making their family permanent if they understood that?

“Well I’d better go make a start on it,” decided Rachel, already getting up.

Mark got up with her to show her out and Sebastian attempted the same.

“Oh no it’s okay,” she assured seeing as he had the baby, but Mark had already given Seb a hand so Rachel merely smiled and followed them out into the hall. 

“Well thank you for having me over.”

“Thank you for coming,” nodded Mark.

“So I’ll be in touch, hopefully by the end of the week.”

“Thanks.”

“If there’s anything we can do to help things or really anything at all, just give us a ring,” requested Seb. “We’re just at home, or we’d have our mobiles on us if we go out at all won’t we Liebling?”

“Course,” confirmed Mark.

“Good to know, though I don’t think there’s anything.”

“Okay.”

Mark put an arm around Seb, guessing he was wishing there really was something they could do  to feel they were helping . 

  


With last goodbyes and assurances that she would ring them,  Rachel was back in her car, giving them a little wave before carefully reversing out into the lane. As she set off back to the decidedly less scenic council offices Rachel h el d the image of that slightly anxious little family group stood on the doorstep waving her off  in her head . She knew it did no good telling them not to worry.

Whilst she drove  Rachel was already working on thinking how she could put forwards her recommendation in such a way that painted a real picture of that family who were so desperate to have their status confirmed. She had to make sure they saw past the abstract, cold, regulation point twelve Ariel font that would have to confirm that yes, the Vettel-Webbers were indeed a high-profile gay couple of champion racing drivers whose life attracted front page coverage, who were pictured at palaces in tuxedoes. It would confirm that they did spend a good proportion of their life flying around the world with their son by private jet and they did have a privileged lifestyle, a large country house complete with swimming pool, gym and housekeeper.

What she had to make clear was that none of that mattered. She had to explain how that photographed night out whilst, yes, spent with royalty  and other famous faces , was the only one they’d had since their child had been placed with them. She had to make clear that they prioritised him above all and that  Teddy effectively had one and a half full-time parents devoted to his care, that the private jet was hired because it meant their child had the most comfortable journey possible and so they could get home quickly.

Rachel wished she had found a better way to reassure them that she was on their side in all this. She’d never quite found a way to explain to them so they understand. Yes their life is way out there compared to every other case she’s ever had or ever likely to have, incomparable to any other case the whole agency is likely to ever have, but in a good way. 

If they only had any idea what kind of top level  problems they were. They had no real idea of the ugliness of so many of the other cases Rachel dealt with. The ones that kept her awake at night, kept her working late, weekends. Never finding an end to it, not always getting anything like a happy ending. 

Teddy might have had a rough start to life, but from Rachel’s point of view he was one of the luckiest kids she’d ever come across. Not because of the money, though having such a nice house to grow up in didn’t hurt, but because he had parents that loved him, that would do anything for him. He had a safe, loving home, caring family, extended family too. All those photos on the mantelpiece. If only she could just show the board those. Bring them here so they could see this family with their own eyes. 

She had to find a way to explain all that on a white sheet of paper, placed in a manilla file, stacked with other files identified only by a case number. She had to find a way to make those faceless officials see a family, a home and a future so positive they would  have  no choice but to confirm, sign off on completing the adoption and stamp  APPROVED in big letters  on their file  so this family could be free of constant worrying, or at least as much as any other family might be. 

She was going to be staying late at work all this week again.  


  


  


Back at the house  Seb and  Mark had gone back into the lounge.  Teddy was asleep now, but  Sebastian didn’t want  to put him down despite the fact they were trying to get him used to napping in his cot. Holding  their baby in his arms was a comfort, as was  Mark’s arm around him.

“She said we should try not to worry,” offered Mark.

Seb huffed a wry laugh.

“Yeah right.”

“Mm.” Mark kissed Seb’s temple. “I know what you mean sweetheart, but if there’s nothing we can do to help, then all we can do is carry on as normal.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out slowly to help try to push away his anxieties.

“I know.”

“She’ll call us.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian rested his head down on  Mark’s shoulder, both of them gazing at their sleeping son. Because he  _was_ their son. They just needed it officially confirmed. All they could do now was wait and in the meantime, just keep busy and not worry about it. 

Yeah right.

  


* * *

 


	229. Birthday Gifts

* * *

 

 

It had been a week since they had last heard from Rachel. She had rung as promised on the Friday afternoon after their meeting to inform them that she had completed the work on their file and had it reviewed by her boss. She informed them that it was now ready to go before the official board to be approved and potentially have their adoption finalised, but unfortunately Rachel could give them no more firm answers as to what they would say or when they would say it than she had when she had seen them earlier in the week.

“So can’t give us an ETA?” checked Mark.

“I will ask, but at the moment there’s such a backlog really with everything to be honest, that the truth is your file will be joining a pretty big list and I doubt they’ll be able to tell me anything precise,” she admitted.

Mark squeezed Seb’s hand as they both looked to Teddy on the blanket playing with a toy in front of them as they sat in the lounge, Seb’s phone on speaker resting on Mark’s knee.

“Okay,” accepted Mark resignedly.

“Could you maybe ask and ring us back?” Sebastian requested.

“Well what I’ll do is I’ll take your file to deliver it myself and ask when I’m there, though I suspect I’ll only get to speak to the secretary.”

“Okay, well thanks. Are you going to be able to do that today?”

“I’ll go do it now, see if I can speak to someone and then call you back,” she vowed.

“Thank you. We do appreciate all your help.”

“No problem. Right, I’d better go do that then. I’ll speak to you soon.”

 

They hung up, then spent the next half hour trying to distract themselves by playing with their son before jumping up to answer the phone again, only to be told much the same once more. It was so hard to remain patient when this issue at hand was the most important thing in the world to them.

“I just couldn't get any estimation of when they’ll reach your file,” explained Rachel. “The thing is even if I knew how many they were currently needing to go through, neither I nor they could say how long each case will take. It depends if there are complications and if they can make reasonably quick decisions or not.”

Mark fitted his arm around Seb who now held Teddy on his lap. It was so hard not to sigh and whine that this wasn’t fair. They had been waiting so long already and it was killing them to wait any longer, but it wasn’t Rachel’s fault, nor even the board who it sounded like had a huge pile of work bearing down on them.

“I did ask that they let me know when they reach your file to at least look at it,” she continued. “I spoke to the assistant and I left an additional note, but what she told me basically confirmed what I thought; there’s a backlog of cases and she couldn't say when yours will be looked at.”

“Do you think maybe a couple of weeks?” tried Seb.

“I really can’t say. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to make promises when it’s out of my hands now,” Rachel explained.

 

Seb looked to Mark who could only shrug. This felt like the same old story over again. But nagging Rachel did no good when she had done all she could for them.

“I will let you know if I’m told that they are at least looking at your case,” she assured. “However if they get through more than expected in a day then I might not be informed until afterwards.”

“Well at least sooner would be what we want,” offered Mark.

“Yes there is that,” concurred Rachel. “Anyway I’m sorry I can’t give you any more details, but there is plenty to be positive about.”

“So you’re hopeful?” checked Sebastian.

“Of course. I wouldn't have put your case forward if I wasn’t.”

“Okay, well that’s good.”

“Course it is,” agreed Mark. “Alright well I’m sure you’ve got a tonne of work to do Rach, so we’d better let you go.”

 

With more thanks and promises that she would call them if she heard anything at all, they hung up. Mark put his arm around Seb.

“It is good sweetheart.”

“I know. I just…” He huffed a sigh. “I dunno. More waiting.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian rested his head onto Mark’s shoulder.

“I guess it’s just more keeping busy and trying not to think about it too much.”

“Exactly,” Mark agreed. “At least we’ve got plenty coming up. We’ve got your birthday and your family coming to races.”

“And Teddy’s six month birthday is tomorrow,” reminded Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“How could we forget that?” He dipped in to look at their son who had sat remarkably quietly through that phone-call. “Got to celebrate your half-birthday haven’t we kiddo?”

 

Seb kissed the top of Teddy’s head. Six months. Still waiting. It didn’t matter how many times they were told about the average length of time it took for adoptions to be finalised, he never stopped hoping theirs would be sooner. Six months for a piece of paper to confirm their family felt like an eternity.

“We’ll be alright,” reassured Mark. “Rachel sounded confident. We just need them to get to our file.”

“Yeah I know.”

Mark checked his watch. Five o’clock now, but it still looked warm and sunny outside, if a little breezy.

“Tell you what, why don’t we take the dogs out, get some air and cheer ourselves up, yeah?”

“Yeah okay Liebling. We could plan what we can do for Teddy next weekend.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You want to throw a party?”

Sebastian sat up and shrugged.

“Little picnic maybe?”

“Yeah alright, sounds nice. Let’s go round up the boys and get going then.”

 

Twenty minutes later they were at the top of the hill looking out across the English countryside in its full summer splendour. There was almost no way to be here and not feel cheered by it. Mark had Teddy in his carrier strapped to his front, Seb by his side while the dogs ran around playing what seemed to be their own version of hide and seek. Seb slipped his arm around Mark’s back and leaned into his side. This was their family. They were happy. He hoped whoever those officials were that held this in their hands understood what power they held to affirm or destroy this.

 

 

 

Now just over a week later at the end of June Seb and Mark were trying not to think about the fact they hadn’t heard anything from Rachel. They had to assume that theirs was another file amongst the rest, hopefully working its way closer to the top. But just how big that pile was or when theirs would reach the top they couldn’t know.

So in the meantime they were busy celebrating their son reaching six months old. Six months to the day on the Saturday as they reached the 1st of July, which was handy seeing as it wasn’t a race weekend. It meant they could spend their time Facetiming their families, showing off how well Teddy was doing, much to the delight particularly of his respective grandmothers. Once they had done that they set about packing up a picnic so they could go out to make the most of the returned sunshine that really was quite hot now it was July.

They set off to a spot Mark knew on the Downs not too far away, the dogs accompanying them seeing as they wanted to spend their time as a family and Shadow and Simba were a part of that. It was a fraction more blowy up on the open hillsides but the view was worth it. They stood for a moment looking out, then let the dogs off their leads to run around while Mark set his rucksack down, pulling out the rug and setting out the food while Sebastian lifted Teddy out from the carrier he had on his front. Mark had hit upon the brainwave of bringing a large golf umbrella to use as a shade so he opened it out to prop by the rug to give the baby some shade from the midday sun.

“We should get one of those little pop-up shelters,” commented Seb. “You know like people have on the beach.”

Mark nodded whilst struggling to stop the umbrella from being caught by the wind. He tucked the handle under the edge of the blanket then resumed setting out their picnic, only for the umbrella to suddenly fly off, rolling away down the slope. Mark leapt up to chase it while Seb held Teddy on his knee.

He leant into his ear.

“Poor Daddy. Oh dear, look, he _nearly_ got it. Ah, whoops, try again.”

Sebastian laughed as the dogs got in the way, almost tripping Mark up as they thought that this was a fun new game. He smiled in at Teddy sat sideways on his lap.

“Oops, Daddy looks a bit cross with them. Poor doggies. Not their fault is it Liebling?”

Teddy gurgled a little laugh as Seb tickled his tummy, then rearranged his cloth sunhat. When he looked back up Mark was back, holding the offending umbrella and a largish stone.

“Oh well done Liebling,” praised Sebastian, not wanting to tease him too much.

“Blummin dogs,” sighed Mark as he shooed them away so he could set the umbrella back with the stone to wedge it in place now. “Go on, have a run about.”

 

He huffed a sigh, then sat back down as Seb shifted over so Teddy was shaded. they’d already fought to coat him in sunscreen back at the car, but with the breeze there was increased chance of burning so Sebastian made sure the baby was protected.

“This was a good idea,” he praised.

“Mm, I think your shelter thing might be better. We’ll have to order one.”

“And a paddling pool.”

“Yep. Well, why don’t we have a little spree online later? See what we might want for the hols.”

“What about some outdoor toys?” suggested Seb. “Do you think he’s too little for a swing and slide?”

Mark smiled. Seb was desperate to fill their garden with kids’ things.

“Dunno. We can have a look for baby ones. Sitting up properly now aren’t you mate?”

Sebastian let go of Teddy for a moment to see how well he balanced. Not bad, even if he was some way off doing this on his own Teddy could hold himself with one of his parents to stop him falling, though they tended to keep a hand ready, just in case.

“We could hold him on the slide.”

“Sure. There we go then.”

Mark smiled, thinking how their garden was bound to be invaded by garish plastic things now.

“We could get him a playhouse,” continued Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Bit small yet darling.”

“Like a little tent to sit in,” Seb decided. “Ooh, I know maybe a teepee, or like a little pretend fort?”

“Is this for Teddy or you to play in?” teased Mark.

Sebastian pouted.

“For Teddy. It’s good for developing his imagination.”

“Of course.”

“And it would protect him from the sun.”

Mark nodded. They were going to be getting all this stuff anyway, he might as well agree to it. As Seb fussed over Teddy Mark smiled to himself, already picturing them sat inside a cloth teepee in their garden with their son who would no doubt be oblivious to anything but the fact his parents were playing with him to make him happy. He really hoped they got some of this nice sun when they were off in a few weeks’ time.

“Right then sweetheart, hungry yet?”

 

They contented themselves with taking turns to keep their son safe on their lap while attempting to eat and drink whilst simultaneously stopping the dogs from snaffling their food. Seb had brought Teddy’s pair of baby sunglasses, but he didn’t much like them and kept trying to pull them off, looking quite comical as they fell off his nose to rest on his chin. Teddy frowned and pouted as he looked down in confusion as if he had no idea how they had ended up in such a curious place, then up at his parents.

“What are Daddy and Papa doing to you eh?” teased Mark, lifting them back into place.

Teddy batted at them again so Mark decided to cut their losses and removed them altogether, making do by pulling they baby’s sunhat lower to further shade his eyes.

“I swear he looks like you when he does that,” he commented.

“Hm?” replied Seb busy getting a bottle of water from the little coolbag.

“Teddy. He looks like you when he pouts like that,” insisted Mark.

Sebastian shook his head. He couldn't see it. They may have similar colouring, blue eyes, fair skin, and their son had ever more of that wispy blonde hair, but Teddy bore no resemblance him as far as he was concerned.

“Mm, little snub nose, chubby little cheeks,” continued Mark.

“Hey, I do not have chubby cheeks,” Seb protested.

Mark smiled.

“Round then.”

Sebastian pouted which Mark thought was hilarious seeing as it only made him look more like Teddy.

“I don’t look like a baby,” insisted Seb.

“No alright,” accepted Mark leaning in to kiss one of those round cheeks. “Still cute though.”

“Cute?”

“Gorgeous then.”

Those round cheeks couldn't help but bunch rounder at that.

“Thank you.” Sebastian looked in to Teddy. “And Daddy is very handsome, though I don’t suppose you look anything like him.”

“Nope,” agreed Mark. “Dodged a bullet with this nose kiddo.”

“You have a very nice nose Liebling.”

“If you say so darling.”

“I do.”

 

Mark nodded thanks, knowing it was futile to argue with Seb on such points. He shifted Teddy on his knee and lifted him up to hold him so he could bounce.

“Full of beans today aren’t you?”

Teddy reached out and succeeded in pulling Mark’s sunglasses off too.

“Oh dear, not keen on them is he?”

“I think it’s cos he can’t see your eyes,” guessed Seb.

“Ah, yeah you might be right there,” Mark agreed. He leaned in a little closer to the baby. “Do you want to be sure it’s Daddy darling?”

Teddy patted his face and smiled, so Mark left them off. Whatever made him happy.

 

They stayed for nearly two hours, playing with the dogs once they had finished eating, then packing things away and walking back to where they had parked the car. They’d fed Teddy before they left the house, but as they went to strap him into his seat he started wailing so Mark lifted him back out and on finding it wasn’t his nappy that needed changing, Seb set about trying to use the warming device that plugged into the car, placing the made-up bottle in and waiting for it to heat up while Mark stood jigging Teddy, trying and failing to quiet him.

“Here we go,” announced Sebastian, offering over the bottle.

Mark came and sat facing out of the car to feed the baby while Sebastian distracted the dogs by giving them a drink as well. He looked over to Mark as Shadow and Simba greedily lapped up the water from their plastic bowls. There was no one else around which Seb thought odd when this was such a nice spot, but then perhaps for others going as far away from civilization as they could wasn’t their idea of a good time. No doubt the popular beaches and theme parks would be packed around the country today. Each to their own.

Seb gave the dogs a rub, then went over to Mark.

“Liebling I had an idea.”

Mark looked up from Teddy.

“Oh?”

“You remember that beach we found for your birthday last year?”

“Ah, you fancy a trip?”

“Well maybe in the summer. It’s a bit of a way, but I think he might like the sand.”

“I’m sure he would. What d’you think Teddy? Bucket and spade be fun?”

Sebastian laughed. Their son was far too young to make sandcastles, but a day out might be nice, even if they would no doubt have to lug half their belongings with them now they had Teddy.

“I can’t wait till the break now,” admitted Seb.

Mark nodded.

“Me too sweetheart. We’ll start a list shall we? Think of all the nice things we want to do.”

“Can we stick it on the fridge?”

“Sure. Add stuff as we go.” Mark looked to see Teddy had about finished his milk and lifted him up to wind him, smiling in. “We’ll think of all the exciting things we can do with you sweetheart, won’t that be nice?”

Teddy burped, which his parents decided was approval of their plans.

 

 

Fifteen minutes later they were finally on their way home, taking the scenic route via the lanes rather than aiming for the A roads seeing as Teddy was happy now in the back. Then as they passed a sign Sebastian craned his neck.

“Oh Liebling, quick, stop!”

“What?”

“Stop stop.”

Mark braked and turned to Seb who was still looking backwards.

“What is it?”

“Can we go back? I want to see what that was.”

 

Mark frowned, but he did as requested, checking they were clear before reversing back up the lane to where there was a lay-by he could stop in. Sebastian jumped out of the car leaving Mark staring after him in astonishment. Moments later Seb came back from where he had rushed to the sign by a gate, opening the passenger door to look through at him.

“Liebling come and look.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a cycle path. I saw the little bike sign. Come and see.”

Mark climbed out and went to lift Teddy from his seat to carry with them. They walked to the edge of the lay-by where Seb excitedly pointed first at the little signpost, then to the dusty path leading downwards between a couple of sloping fields.

“Look,” encouraged Sebastian.

“Um, okay.”

“No _look._ See: ‘Railway cycle-path’,” read out Sebastian. “I don’t think this is it. I think it must reach it.”

“Ah, maybe. We passed a bridge back there.”

“Can we go check it out?”

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian unhooked the gate and they wandered fifty yards or so along the footpath, then at the bottom it reached what appeared to be an abandoned narrow lane; somewhat dusty tarmac with grass verges rising up on either side. Mark hitched Teddy up in his arms and peered back down along seeing what he thought was the bridge they had gone over in the distance.

“Ah, now it makes sense,” he accepted. “This is the cycleway. Must be on an old railway-line. They closed loads of them round here back in, I dunno, the fifties or sixties I guess. Looks like someone had a bright idea to make good use of it.”

“I wonder how far it goes?”

“A good way I’d bet.”

Sebastian beamed.

“We could cycle here with Teddy, then we wouldn't need to worry about cars if he’s in a trailer!”

Mark laughed at how thrilled Seb sounded. He smiled and kissed his cheek.

“Awesome spot darling. Well done.”

“We can research where it goes.”

“Absolutely. Hear that kiddo? Papa’s found a way for us to go exploring.”

Sebastian was still smiling.

“I didn’t think it’d be this big, but this’d be perfect wouldn't it?”

“It would,” agreed Mark. “Right you are then darling. Bit more for us to look at online when we get back. We’d better check the satnav to see where we are.”

 

They walked back to the car, Mark repressing a laugh at how pleased with himself Seb looked. As they resumed driving home he glanced in the rear mirror Mark could just about see that Teddy in his car-seat behind Seb had fallen asleep, his head resting to the side, his round cheeks rather pink from the warm weather. When they got home he carefully carried the baby inside, succeeding in not waking him as he placed Teddy down in his cot. Seb opened the top window to let some air into the nursery, then returned to Mark’s side. They both stood looking down on their son. Teddy had one arm flung up by his head, resting his cheek down looking quite worn out.

“I don’t know why he’s so tired seeing as we carried him,” commented Mark.

“Past his naptime.”

“Mm, true. Do you need a nap too?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“Shall we get a laptop out and get busy?”

“Why not? I could do with a coffee though. You grab the monitor, I’ll make us drinks.”

 

It was a good hour before the baby monitor alerted them to the fact Teddy was awake once more. Seb went up to fetch him, then brought him down to sit on the sofa with them, showing the baby all the things they had put in the online basket.

“Do these count as half-birthday presents?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I spose. We’re not spoiling him are we Liebling?”

“Nah, they’re investments. All kids get toys. Even us big kids.”

Seb smiled. They weren’t really spending a huge amount. It wasn’t as if they were buying spoilt little princeling items like the tiny ride-along electric BMW toy cars they’d seen listing on the site. The most expensive item they’d chosen had been the bike trailer seeing as they’d felt the need to get one with the very best suspension and safety features, so Mark was right seeing as that was really for them.

“If he’s going to start going in his nursery we should get more for in there too,” decided Seb. “There’s lots of room down the far end. We could get him a toy kitchen and a little table and chairs.”

“So he can play house in his house?”

“Well… he could do colouring at the table and stuff to keep him busy.”

“Mm, yeah I’m not sure he’s quite up to that yet sweetheart. Maybe for Christmas?”

“Yeah okay.”

“Think how nice Christmas will be.”

Sebastian smiled. Something else he couldn't wait for.

“And his birthday.”

“Double bubble,” agreed Mark.

Seb looked in at their son who was leaning sideways into his chest, not totally awake after his nap. He let out a little sigh.

“It’s not going to take that long to get the papers through is it Liebling?”

“The adoption papers?”

“Mm.”

 

Mark saw how Seb automatically hugged Teddy closer, as if someone might burst through the door to snatch their son away.

“No darling. I reckon by the summer break, September at the latest.”

“What if they go off on holiday? The people on the board.”

Mark puffed a breath. He hoped not.

“Well hopefully they’d power through as much as they can before they do.”

“Mm.”

“There’s no way they could say no is there Liebling?”

Mark rubbed over Seb’s arm.

“Sweetheart Rachel wouldn't have put us forward if she wasn’t confident. Worst comes to the worst it’d only be a delay while we satisfied some extra requirement, I’m sure.”

“Okay.”

“We can’t waste our time worrying about it.”

“I know. Sorry Liebling. I don’t mean to go on about it.”

 

Mark put his arm around Seb and gave him a little squeeze in, trying to think what would cheer him up and take his mind off worrying.

“Tell you what sweetheart, why don’t we look for some nice storybooks for him?”

“Hmm, I like to look at them properly,” pointed out Seb.

“Well we could bob into town tomorrow if you fancy it?”

“Yeah okay. You know if he’s going to sleep in the nursery the baby books say it’s good to give him more bedtime routine, read him a story, that kind of thing so he feels all settled.”

Mark nodded.

“Sounds good.”

“And we could get some books on weaning.”

“Yep. Got that joy to look forwards to. Well then, what about looking for a highchair then? I reckon he’s fine to sit in one if it’s got straps.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Right then.”

Mark pulled the laptop onto his knee and they started more searching. Things really were moving on in their family, they simply had to ignore that elephant in the room over in the corner.

 

 

That night they decided that they should do as they had been talking about and actually attempt putting Teddy to sleep in his nursery overnight. Neither Seb nor Mark felt entirely sure about it, but they knew they had to start somewhere and Teddy had been getting used to napping in there.

“We’ll just give it a go,” asserted Mark. “If he really won’t settle we can always bring him back through.”

Sebastian nodded, though he stayed looking down to their son in his arms. Mark put his hand over Seb’s.

“He’ll be fine.”

Seb huffed a little laugh as he looked to him.

“I’m sure he will. It’s me I’m not sure about.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“We just have to be brave. Can’t have him sleeping in with us forever.”

“I know Liebling.” Seb took in a breath. “Okay. Let’s take him up now and try doing those things to help him settle.”

 

They went upstairs, Mark finding the nightlight they had bought to plug in while Seb ducked down a little with Teddy in his arms, choosing one of the storybooks on the shelf.

“Liebling can you grab that one?” he requested.

“Which one?”

“That one, with the frogs. He likes that one.”

Mark smiled. He wasn’t sure Teddy really understood what was being read to him yet, but one with a rhythm was probably soothing which was what they were aiming for. He picked up the book while Sebastian sat in the rocking chair, then Mark perched on the window ledge beside them, holding the book so Seb could read. Teddy was at least looking reasonably peaceful as he lay listening, occasionally patting one of the pictures they showed him of frogs hopping on lilypads. The baby murmured a few times, but once they were finished they decided to try putting him down. Seb laying him in the cot and tucking the blanket around him before Mark set the mobile fixed above going, playing its gentle tune to lull the baby off.

“Okay, well he seems alright,” noted Seb.

“Yep. Right, where’s the monitor?”

Mark found it then pulled the curtains closed and returned to where Seb still stood, gazing down at the baby who still had his eyes open looking back up at his parents.

“C’mon, encouraged Mark. Why don’t we go stick a film on or watch some rubbishy Saturday night telly like normal people do?”

 

Sebastian nodded and they dragged themselves downstairs. Each time they heard a murmur on the baby monitor they paused the film to listen, but they had agreed that unless Teddy really bawled they would leave him, though each of them checked on him when they popped up to the toilet. Only when it got to half past ten did the sound of crying come through.

“I think he still needs his late bottle,” noted Mark.

“I’ll make it,” Sebastian offered.

“Righto.”

When Seb went up he found Mark already sat in the chair by the window trying to hush their son. Passing over the bottle Sebastian crouched down by them, stroking over Teddy’s leg to try to soothe him. As soon as he had the teat in his mouth the baby quieted, but his cheeks were still wet so Seb dried them off.

“There now, that’s better isn’t it darling?” soothed Mark.

Teddy blinked up at him and Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Ah dear, how does he manage to look so tragic?”

“You don’t think he was upset at waking up in here?”

“Nah, just hungry. Aren’t you kiddo? Need a nice full tum to sleep.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian watched until Teddy had had his fill, then took his turn to wind him before putting him back down. Teddy reached up his arms making unhappy noises and Seb was sorely tempted to pick him back up again, but the books said you had to not give in too easily, so he steeled himself and instead put the mobile back on. The baby began to stare up at the little animals instead, watching them revolve above him.

He and Mark both took a step back, watching as Teddy quieted.

“Okay. I think he’s alright,” whispered Mark, “let’s sneak out.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and nodded.

 

 

They successfully watched to the end of the film, then as quietly as possible checked on their son once again. They tiptoed into the nursery and stood by the cot to see that Teddy really was fast asleep, then satisfied that he was okay, resumed getting ready for bed. Seb sighed as he looked at the empty crib in their room.

“Ah sweetheart we’ve not cast him out. He’s quite happy where he is.”

“Mm.” Sebastian went over to the crib. “Can we move it Liebling? I just think seeing it there empty...”

“Alright well if we put it on the landing where we won’t fall over it, just in case we need a change of plans.”

Sebastian smiled at the hint that Mark wasn’t entirely sure about this either. They moved the crib out, then totally failed to stop themselves checking on Teddy once more, though this time at least they managed to halt in the doorway rather than going all the way over to the cot. When they returned to their room Mark went to automatically put pyjamas on, then paused.

“Ah. Actually are we pyjama-ing?”

“Um...” Seb went over to him. “Be nice not to Liebling but we might need to be getting up.”

“Hmm. I know. I’ll go grab our dressing gowns from the bathroom.”

 

Mark smiled to see Seb already sat up in bed waiting when he came back through with them, putting Seb’s over by his side, before setting his own down and undressing to join him. Mark huffed a laugh as he sat up by Sebastian.

“Hey.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Hey Liebling.”

Mark slipped his arm around Seb to give him a little squeeze.

“This feels kindof unusual now,” he confessed.

“Good though.”

“Very good.”

Sebastian turned to kiss Mark’s cheek, then they shuffled down into bed with only a quick look to the monitor on the side to be sure there was nothing. Seb settled in against Mark, placing his head to rest by his shoulder.

“It does feel a bit strange,” Seb agreed.

“This?” asked Mark, stroked his hand down Seb’s bare arm.

“No. Just…” Seb sighed as he looked up to him. “It is weird him not being here.”

“Yeah.”

Mark couldn't stop himself looking over to where the crib ought to be. He didn’t want to make things worse by harping on about it, but this was the first time he had gone to bed for the night without their son by him since he had come to them. His ears were straining to hear Teddy breathing via the monitor and Mark found it very difficult not to want the comfort of matching that to seeing his son’s little chest going up and down so he knew he was safe. Teddy _was_ safe. He was only two doors down, fast asleep in his cot in his lovely nursery. They had to be strong about this.

 

Sebastian snuggled into Mark who pulled him closer before resting his head into Seb’s. It did feel good to be like this, properly close as they always used to be.

“M’tired,” admitted Seb softly.

Mark almost laughed. They might be cuddled up naked in bed together, but they were still parents of a young baby and he had to confess that after their busy day he was pretty knackered too.

“Yeah, s’okay, me too,” he agreed.

That little monitor might burst into life any moment anyway. They should probably make the most of this peace.

 

 

It didn’t take them long to drop off, but at some point in the depths of night a whining sound filtered through and Seb suddenly sat up, blinking in the darkness as his brain tried to work out what was going on. They had grown so used to having one of the bedside lamps on that the full dark confused him and as Mark also sat up beside him he fumbled for the switch. Both of them instinctively looked for the crib and Mark almost had a panic as he couldn't see it and his confused sleepy mind didn’t understand where their son had gone. Then he remembered. Both of them turned to the monitor, listening in to hear Teddy making discontented noises.

“You’re supposed to wait it out,” stated Seb.

“Hmm.” Mark frowned. It was so hard to tell in abstract whether Teddy was really upset. It was all very well in theory, but it was much harder in practise to leave their son to cry and just hope he would go back to sleep. “I’ll just check.”

He swung his legs out of bed and pulled on his dressing gown to go through to the nursery. Seb waited a moment, then did the same. When he caught up with Mark it was to find him already holding their son into his shoulder, moving slightly to comfort him.

“Is he okay?” Sebastian asked.

Mark turned his head and gave a slight nod. It was tough not to think their son just wanted them.

“Maybe we should check his nappy?” suggested Seb.

“Yeah.”

Mark put Teddy down on the changing table to see, then shook his head. He stroked over Teddy’s cheek.

“What is it sweetheart? Hm?”

Teddy pouted, making Mark sigh. It was hard not to want to give in, just cuddle their son until he was happy and keep him with them. They put him back in his cot though, returning to sit on their bed. Sebastian leaned into Mark’s side.

“We are doing the right thing aren’t we?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. We’ve just got to get a bit tougher I think.”

“Tougher on Teddy?”

“No darling. Tougher on us. Otherwise we’re not doing him or us any favours.”

“Yeah.”

Mark put his arm around him.

“He’ll still be in with us when we’re away.”

Seb nodded. At least here Teddy was in his familiar nursery where he ought to feel safe. When they were in strange hotel rooms their son could rely on his parents being there to comfort him. He hoped that the changes wouldn't be too confusing for him.

“I don’t find it any easier darling,” admitted Mark.

“Thank you.”

Mark frowned.

“Hm?”

“Saying that Liebling. It makes me feel better to know it’s not just me.”

“It’s both of us. All three of us. We have to adapt and it’s not easy.”

“It will get easier won’t it?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I hope so sweetheart.”

 

 

They slept for a few more hours before being woken again by Teddy properly howling this time. Normally one of them would have taken their turn to change him, but it ended up being both, just so they could see for themselves that their son was okay. It was nearly light now, but they put him back down in an attempt to get him to stick closer to his usual getting up hour. Sure enough just on six they were roused once more. Teddy clung into Seb when he picked him up, making him feel guilty that it had taken an extra bit of time from him signalling his need to being rescued. Stroking over his back, Seb hushed him.

“Shh, we’re here Schatz. We came as fast as we could.”

“He’s alright, aren’t you?”

Mark looked in to see that Teddy was quieting now he pressed into Sebastian.

“I’ll get his bottle,” he offered.

“Should I take him through do you think?”

Mark smiled.

“Darling we make the rules. It’s morning now. You take him through and I’ll be back in mo.”

 

Sebastian went back to bed, settling Teddy in his arms like they usually did. He dipped down to kiss Teddy’s forehead.

“Daddy’s getting your milk Kleiner. Soon be here.”

He stroked Teddy’s cheek, getting him to snuffle to a stop.

“There now. Good boy. Did you miss us?”

Seb wanted to squeeze his son tight. He didn’t know why this felt so big a deal when he had been away from him for days at a time earlier in the year, but it did. Mark appeared, handing him the bottle as he climbed in alongside. He smiled as Teddy immediately began sucking hungrily.

“Wanted that didn’t you darling?”

Sebastian sighed so Mark fitted his arm around him again.

“He’s fine now.”

Seb nodded.

“Are you alright?” Mark checked.

“Sorry. I’m probably fussing and making it worse.”

“Ah sweetheart you’re not. It’s hard for me too.”

“I just miss this a bit.”

Mark leaned his head into Seb’s.

“Darling we’re not giving this up. We can still do this. This is his waking up routine. I like it too. it’s nice to ease into the day a bit with a family snuggle.”

Sebastian smiled and turned to kiss Mark’s cheek.

“I like that.”

“Good.”

“I don’t mean to make a fuss.”

“You’re not,” insisted Mark. “It’s not easy but I think we did alright. We all have to get used to it.”

“Yeah. We were still up a few times.”

“Well, yeah but first proper go. Teddy needs to settle in. We need to get used to judging if he really needs us. No one said this was easy.”

“I spose. It just feels strange him being so far away.”

“We’ve done it for naps.”

“I know. It’s not logical.”

“We’ll get used to it.”

“Sorry.”

“Darling you don’t need to apologise. I feel it too. It is tough, big step, but we’ve got to take it otherwise we’ll end up with a sixteen year old son sleeping on a camp bed in here.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“I think that might cramp our style a bit.”

“Just a bit,” agreed Mark. “And no jammies was nice.”

“True.”

“We’ll be okay. I don’t think it’s realistic to think we’re gonna get full night’s sleep right away.”

“He hasn’t even started teething yet,” pointed out Seb.

Mark let out a little laugh.

“Oh lord. I’m in denial about that darling.”

“Okay. No teething.”

“Good and no terrible twos or any of that. We’ll just have perfect nights’ sleep from here on in.”

Seb looked at Mark and raised an eyebrow before both of them laughed at that. Fat chance.

They both looked back to their son still drinking, happy now he was cuddled up with his parents in their cosy bed. Mark stroked over Teddy’s wispy hair.

“Daddy and Papa will love you anyway kiddo. Though if you really want to get in good books, the more sleep you give us, the better.”

He gave Seb a little wink. It was nice to have this at least; no need to rush getting up, a nice lazy Sunday, all the more special for its rarity.

 

 

 

When Pauline arrived that evening to babysit they had already given Teddy his dinner bottle and put him down in his cot, hoping that he would be settled enough not to cause any problems, though they repeatedly told Pauline to call them if necessary.

“I’m quite certain we’ll be fine,” she assured them as they came back down from checking on him.

“So this is the monitor,” stated Seb passing it to her. “You can adjust the volume and um, well, I think that’s it. You know how the bottle machine works if he’s hungry.”

“And where his nappy stuff is,” agreed Pauline. “So I’m all set. Now then, go have a nice meal. Seb, happy birthday in advance.”

“Thanks.”

“Remember to help yourself to anything you want in the kitchen,” offered Mark.

Pauline tried not to laugh. Any moment now she suspected they might attempt to show her where the mugs were to make a cup of tea, as if she wasn’t the one to empty the dishwasher each morning to put them away herself.

“Lovely,” she smiled. “Now don’t be fretting. He looked to me as if he was pretty sleepy already, so I’m sure he’ll drop off.”

“Okay, well we’re only twenty minutes away.”

Pauline nodded, then they heard a noise on the drive.

“Ah, I’ll bet that’s your taxi.”

 

Mark opened the door to give the car a wave then they were adding shoes and jackets before heading out.

“We shouldn’t be much past ten,” promised Sebastian.

“Whenever you like. I’m in no rush.”

Seb nodded, then glanced up the stairs, trying to restrain himself from going back up to say goodbye to Teddy. Pauline put a hand on his arm.

“You know you can trust me with him don’t you dear?”

Seb looked back to her.

“Of course we do. Sorry.”

“I’ll make sure to keep my phone close,” she assured them, “so if you want to call to just check, you can.”

“Not to check up on you, but… maybe just to check Teddy’s fine.”

“No problem,” she replied calmly.

Mark gave her a smile.

“Thank you. And we really appreciate you doing this.”

 

With last goodbyes they left her to it, going to climb into their taxi to be whisked off down the lanes to the country restaurant they had picked for the evening.

“I still feel so nervous leaving him,” confessed Seb.

“Yeah, well we’re still new at it,” Mark agreed, “but we can rely on Pauline.”

“Course. And Teddy’s used to her, so if he wakes up he’ll still feel safe.”

Mark nodded. There really was no one else around here that they would trust leaving in charge of their son. He could remember his sister babysitting for families when she was little more than a kid herself back home. No chance would they leave their son with some teenager to oversee them, even if all those Leanne had looked after had been completely fine. It was such a shame she didn’t live nearby, but ten thousand miles was a bit of a trek just for a couple of hours.

 

They lasted until the interval between their starter and main course before nipping away from their table to make the call home, standing in the corridor outside the toilets. It was reassuring that Pauline answered her phone almost immediately, though her voice was quiet.

“Is it a bad connection?” asked Mark “Can you hear us?”

“Hmm? Yes. Oh I see, sorry, I’m in the nursery so I don’t want to wake him,” explained Pauline.

“Oh right.”

“I had my phone sat on my knee on silent don’t worry.”

“You’re sat in there?”

“Well he woke up and I changed his nappy about twenty minutes ago, so I thought I’d just stay here to keep an eye on him.”

Mark smiled and shook his had at Seb stood beside him.

“You don’t need to stay in there all night,” he assured.

“Well I’ll just see he’s settled. I’m quite happy with my book. I’ve just got the lamp on.”

“Was he alright once you’d changed him?” asked Sebastian.

“We just had a little sit for a while, then I put him down. He’s fast asleep now so I might go make myself a cup of tea,” she stated. “Don’t worry, I’ll take the monitor.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all in hand,” approved Mark.

“Thank you. Is the food nice?”

“Very nice what we’ve had. Guess we’d better go see if our mains have appeared.”

“Thanks Pauline,” added Seb.

 

They said goodbye and returned to their table. Sebastian set his hand in Mark’s.

“Pauline’s so good,” he commented.

“Course she is.” Mark huffed a laugh. “As bad as us for not being able to walk away though.”

“Mm.”

Mark gave Seb’s hand a squeeze.

“Just means she cares. Now then, a little more wine?”

“Um… Guess it is my birthday.”

“Absolutely darling,” concurred Mark, pouring them both another glass of red.

Both of them relaxed as they sipped their wine, safe in the knowledge that their son couldn’t be in better hands.

 

By the time they were heading back Sebastian and Mark were feeling a lot more mellow, glad that there had been no emergency calls and enjoying feeling that they did have a bit of a life outside of just being parents. Seb leaned his head by Mark’s shoulder and looked up at him as they sat in the back of the taxi.

“That was so nice Liebling, thank you.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well it was for me too in a way.”

“Maybe we could do it again some time if Pauline didn’t mind?” proposed Seb.

“Sounds good. I’m sure if we just asked when she’s free she’d be happy to.”

“We could go out for your birthday next month?”

“You’ve got a race that weekend.”

“Well you can pick another time.”

“Sure. Maybe just earlier in the break. Still be nice to get out.”

“It is kind of nice to just be a couple for a bit,” admitted Sebastian. “That’s not bad is it?”

“No course not. It’s like we said sweetheart; bit of grown-up time is healthy.”

Sebastian smiled and leaned in closer to whisper in Mark’s ear.

“I’d quite like a bit more grown-up time when we get in.”

“Ha, oh really?”

“Mm.” Seb looked at him through his lashes. “If Teddy’s in his nursery?”

“Sounds ideal,” agreed Mark, moving in for a kiss.

 

 

When they got in Seb and Mark stuck their heads into the lounge, then not finding Pauline there they looked in the kitchen, but only the dogs met them so they headed upstairs. Sebastian slowly pushed the nursery door open to see Pauline sat in the rocking chair over by the window, the little lamp highlighting her as she sat clearly engrossed in her book. On the door opening she looked up.

“Oh gosh, you’re home,” she realised. “I didn’t hear you.”

“Good book?” teased Mark.

Pauline stood as they entered the room properly, coming in to check on Teddy who lay asleep in his cot, unperturbed by the adults speaking quietly around him.

“Has he been up again?” asked Sebastian.

“Oh no he’s been fine. I just… well, I thought I might as well stay in here and keep an eye on him. I did pop down to make a drink, but I was only reading, so it’s as easy to do it up here.”

Mark smiled thinking she fretted about Teddy quite as much as they did. The sight of Pauline sat on the rocking chair in the nursery made her look quite the grandmother and he knew they were lucky to have her.

“Thank you.”

They stepped out onto the landing, putting the nursery door to so they could speak at normal volume.

“How was your meal then?” enquired Pauline.

“Lovely,” declared Sebastian. “We even shared a pudding.”

“My goodness, pushing the boat out indeed.”

Mark huffed a laugh knowing Pauline was teasing them.

“Wine too,” he added. “Tis Seb’s birthday after all.”

“Of course,” smiled Pauline. “Well I’ll leave you to it.”

 

They went back down to the hall so Pauline could get ready to leave, thanking her once again.

“So is he staying in there overnight then?” she asked.

Mark nodded.

“We tried first time last night and he did pretty well didn’t he sweetheart?”

“Yeah he just woke up a couple of times.”

“Well that’s not bad going,” agreed Pauline. “Oh I left the other monitor in there. I suppose you’ll need it for your room.”

“Thanks.”

Pauline pulled on her coat.

“So I’ll see you in the morning or are you wanting a long lie-in if it’s your birthday Seb?”

Seb and Mark looked to one another. It was a nice idea, but…

“We’ll be up anyway with Teddy, but we might leave it a while to get up.”

“Mid-morning then?”

“Sure. Thanks.”

“Right, I’ll be off.”

 

They showed her out then as they shut the door Sebastian let out a little sigh.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah just… I dunno, glad that worked.”

“Course it worked. Pauline’s a diamond.”

“She is. Okay, shall we go to bed then?”

“Read my mind darling.”

 

Having gone through the usual ordinary night-time routines of checking the house was locked up, given the dogs a top-up of water and using the bathroom, they then totally failed to stop themselves just checking on Teddy sleeping one more time, so it took a while before they actually got to their bedroom. When they did though they sat up in bed together to take a minute, re-setting themselves and returning their attention to one another.

“Hello,” teased Mark.

Sebastian laughed.

“Hello Liebling. Fancy seeing you here.”

“Imagine that.”

Taking in a deep breath Sebastian turned more to Mark, giving him a smile that made Mark chuckle. He smoothed his hand down Seb’s bare arm then gave him a flick of his eyebrows.

“Of course there are a few advantages that come with having our bedroom to ourselves.”

“Mm.”

Mark leaned in to kiss Seb, the pair of them quickly losing themselves to it. Sebastian shuffled himself down and Mark followed, both of them letting their hands wander as they found ways to continue the kiss, stealing breaths here and there with minimal breaking away. Mark was just beginning to move over Seb when the monitor placed by the bed suddenly burst into life with the amplified sound of their son howling.

 

They both sighed and fell apart before pushing to sit up again. As Mark reached for his dressing gown to pull on he shook his head.

“Terrible timing.”

Sebastian was already up, dressing gown on.

“He probably wants his night bottle.”

“Hmm.”

The two of them headed for the door, Seb giving Mark a little shrug.

“Could have been worse Liebling. He could have waited a few minutes more.”

Mark snorted a little laugh and nodded.

“Well that’s an excellent point. Bottle or baby?”

“Paper, scissors, stone?”

“Ha, why not? Which is winning?”

“Baby.”

“Course.”

 

They quickly played the decider on the landing, then Mark traipsed down to the kitchen as Seb went to attempt soothing their son until his milk arrived. Seb entered the nursery and lifted out a crying Teddy, holding him against his chest and moving slightly to reassure him.

“Bottle soon Liebling. Daddy’s getting it.”

The baby buried his face into Seb’s shoulder, then as he slowed his tears Teddy turned his head to look at him and tried clinging a little tighter. Sebastian sighed, trying not to think of it as Teddy deliberately making him feel guilty.

“Shh Kleiner. We’re still here,” Seb reassured, speaking to him in German as he usually did when they were alone at night. “We can hear you. We’ve not abandoned you Schatz.”

He went to sit in the rocking chair, keeping Teddy against him as he stroked over his back. Seb placed his cheek by his son’s and whispered into his ear to lull him. Teddy snuffled in and it did feel good to hold him close; that warm little body in his soft night onesie, arms reaching around and pressing in.

“There now,” quieted Sebastian. “Milk in a minute. Daddy be up soon. Good boy now.”

Down in the kitchen it occurred to Mark that he should re-assert that he ought to be the one getting up in the night seeing as Seb had a race next weekend, but with Teddy only just having moved out of their room he suspected Seb wouldn't sleep unless he knew their son was okay. Maybe in a day or two they might have relaxed about it and once they were in Austria he was definitely going to insist on it, but then they would all be in one room again, so perhaps it was more of a moot point. The bottle machine beeped so he took it out to test, then headed up, hoping this did the trick to persuade their son to go back to sleep and hopefully _stay_ asleep.

 

It took another twenty minutes before they could put him down again, setting his mobile going and watching for a moment before leaving Teddy to drop off on his own. Then they went back to clamber into bed.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Right, where were we?”

“Pretty much here.”

“Pretty much exactly here,” Mark agreed.

He slid his hand to rest at the nape of Seb’s neck, then leaned in to kiss him, smiling at the little ‘hmm’ of happiness Seb unconsciously emitted before the kiss deepened and that sank down onto the bed together. Both tried to ignore the urge to listen for any noise on the monitor and concentrated on other, soon more pressing, urges as their son thankfully drifted safely off to sleep, allowing his parents to reconnect now uninterrupted.

 

 

 

 

The next morning both Seb and Mark woke in a good mood for the day despite their alarm clock being young Teddy. The sun was already up as well as their son and as Seb opened the curtains in the nursery it was to see a clear blue sky outside that could only inspire light spirits even at this the early hour.

“Lovely day,” he observed.

Mark came over carrying a still fussing Teddy and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

“For your birthday darling.”

Sebastian smiled. Thirty. That felt old. A part of Seb wanted to whine about how rubbish it was to be turning thirty, but he couldn't do that without making Mark feel older still and he really _didn’t_ want to do that. When he really thought about it Seb knew he had to be grateful. Roll back five years and could he have even imagined this being where he was at thirty? Not a chance. So it really wasn’t so bad. Age was just a number.

Mark noticed the faraway look in his eyes.

“You okay?” he checked.

Sebastian took in a deep breath.

“Yep. I’ll get his bottle.”

Mark was about to say he ought to be doing the running around seeing as it was Seb’s birthday, but Seb was already off to do the little chore so Mark stood with Teddy at the window instead. Even special days included all the usual tasks now they had a child: no long lie-ins, no only thinking of themselves. It was the choice they had made and neither regretted it. Mark gave Teddy a smile.

“Good boy for sleeping so much last night sweetheart.” He kissed his cheek. “It’s Papa’s birthday today so we’ll both have to be good for him won’t we? Maybe you can help him open his presents?”

Mark chuckled to himself hoping none of them were gifts that would be broken by tiny hands pawing at the wrapping paper; shiny, scrunchy, bright colours… Mark suspected the gift-wrap alone would seem like a wonderful toy for their son to play with.

 

 

Two hours later they were down in the kitchen, fully up for the day now and making another attempt at something else new as they strapped Teddy into his brand new high chair they’d had express delivered and assembled the day before. As Mark attempted to fix on a bib, Seb tried out their new blender to purée a banana. He poured it out into the also new plastic baby bowl, added the baby spoon and came over, placing the bowl down in front of Teddy.

Mark looked in at it thinking the mush didn’t look terribly appetising.

“Hmm.”

“We’ll just try a little bit.”

“Okay.” Mark smiled to Teddy as they both pulled up chairs either side of him. “Right kiddo. Nom noms.”

Sebastian spooned up a small amount and held it near Teddy’s mouth. The baby frowned, showing no interest in helpfully opening his mouth, so Seb tried placing the spoon closer to it to see if that helped.

“Just try a little bit Liebling.”

“Yummy banana,” enthused Mark, trying to make the experience seem fun.

Teddy parted his lips a fraction, so Sebastian tried putting the spoonful in his mouth only for the baby to pull a face and immediately push the yellowy-brown mush straight out again, dribbling it down his chin. Mark tried not to laugh, instead grabbing up the tea-towel to wipe it away.

“Oh,” frowned Seb. “Maybe he doesn’t like banana?”

“Ah darling I don’t think he really understands.” Mark stroked over Teddy’s head. “Bit strange eh mate?”

Sebastian squished his face about wondering if they were doing the right thing, then tried again, only to get the same result. He sighed as Mark wiped Teddy’s chin once more.

“I think we’ll just have to keep trying,” decided Mark.

“You want a go?”

“Sure.”

Taking the plastic spoon Mark made another attempt, this time it didn’t come straight out again and Mark smiled in triumph only for Teddy to grimace and look at him unimpressed. Mark puffed a breath.

“Maybe not.”

“We should have another look in the books and see what they say.”

“Mm, maybe just try different options, see what he might go for?”

“Maybe. I think we just have to try it gradually. Keep plugging away and see if we can build up.”

Seb nodded.

“Shall we just offer something different once a day and see if he goes for it?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Mark agreed.

Mark smiled at how Teddy was still looking at them as if he wondered what they were playing at. He chuckled and turned to Seb.

“Poor kid. You’d think we were trying to poison him.”

 

Teddy murmured something as if joining in the conversation, then as Seb got up, about to take the bowl away and offer a breakfast bottle instead, the baby suddenly smacked his little hand down into the bowl, splashing banana purée all over his bib, the chair and Mark sat with him. Teddy’s face immediately lit up and he gurgled delightedly, laughing as he did it again.

“Urgh!” complained Mark, rapidly wiping mush off his own chin and looking at the drips on his t-shirt.

Sebastian stood out of the danger-zone tried not to laugh, then as that little arm raised to take aim again he quickly went to whip the bowl of projectile fruit out of reach.

“Ah-ah,” he chided.

Teddy scowled at his new toy being taken away and stretched out plaintively.

“No you don’t sunshine,” asserted Mark. “It’s meant for eating, not wearing. _Tsk_. Little tyke.”

 

He began tidying Teddy up, tactically ignoring the dogs who had come to lick up the splodges on the tiled floor. At least that would save a bit of cleaning. Seb offered him a damp cloth, helpfully pointing out that Mark had a streak of banana on his ear, when the doorbell went.

“I’ll get it,” he volunteered.

“Probably the postie with a van-load of pressies for you,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian laughed, but he hoped there might be a few cards at least. His family had either sent their presents already or had said they would pass on gifts in person when they saw them next weekend. He shooed the dogs away as they followed him and opened the front door, laughing as he saw it really was the postman. The man frowned a little at the response.

“Oh sorry,” apologised Seb. “It’s just we said it would be you.”

“Nice to be popular. Speaking of which.” He handed over several cards and a couple of packages. “All for you. Birthday by any chance?”

“Yes actually.”

“Ah, well many happy returns.”

“Thanks.”

“Oh and this one needs a signature. Recorded delivery.”

He produced an electronic device for Seb to sign, then helped by adding an A4 envelope to the pile Seb was juggling.

“Enjoy your day.”

“Thanks.”

 

Sebastian managed to shut the door with his foot, then took the delivery into the kitchen, just about getting it to the kitchen table before dropping the lot.

“All for you then?” smiled Mark, now holding Teddy removed from his high-chair.

“Think so. Oh this was special delivery.”

“Ha, maybe DC stuck a fiver in for you? Last of the big spenders. Large card though. Is it from the team?”

Sebastian looked at it, local postmark, but…

“Oh no it’s for both of us. Shall I open it?”

“Sure.”

 

Mark hitched Teddy up, then spotting yet more splashed banana that Teddy had somehow contrived to get on his bare leg below his shorts, he took him over to the sink to wipe it off. He paid no mind to Seb slitting open the envelope, nor heard the snatched breath moments later. It was only when Mark heard a louder gasp that he turned around. He frowned as Seb stared at him opened mouthed, then looked back down at the piece of paper in his hands and shocked Mark by abruptly bursting into tears.

“Oh my god, sweetheart? What is it?”

He rushed over, but Seb couldn't speak. Mark hitched Teddy further to hold at his side and rubbed Sebastian’s arm, trying to look at the piece of paper in his hand.

“Hey what is it?”

Sebastian swallowed and tried to steady enough to explain.

“It, it’s Teddy. It’s the agency.”

He ran out of breath, tears streaming down his cheeks once more, so Mark leaned in to read, then looked at Seb.

“Oh my god.”

“We’ve got him. Oh, oh Liebling, we’ve _got_ _him_.”

 

Mark balanced Teddy onto his hip and spared an arm to wrap around Seb, sure that any moment he might cry himself. Both of them re-read the letter, set out in plain font, dated Friday, stating quite clearly that their adoption had been approved and further paperwork would follow to provide legal confirmation. Mark squeezed Seb in, kissed his cheek, then their son’s.

“He’s ours,” managed Seb, still unevenly.

“Yeah.” Mark took a deep breath. “He always has been darling.”

 

Sebastian nodded, then started crying again. He couldn't stop. Shock combined with the release of all that suppressed anxiety about the subject, not just since they knew this was getting closer, but since Teddy had come home with them, since they had started this whole process well over a year ago.

He sniffed and tried to smile at Teddy.

“Sorry Schatz. It’s okay. It’s all okay now.”

“Papa’s just a bit worked up,” agreed Mark. “He’s alright. Happy tears.”

 

Seb nodded and rapidly wiped at his face so as not to frighten their little boy who was looking very confused at this sudden strange turn of events. Planting a gentle kiss on Teddy’s cheek Seb sniffed and took in an uneven breath, then stared at the document in his hand to read it once more in case he had imagined it. Then he pushed out a long breath and set the paper down on the kitchen table to wrap his arms around both Mark and Teddy, closing his eyes from a moment. The dogs had come over to see what the fuss was all about, but Seb and Mark had no time for them right now.

Only when Mark kissed his forehead did Sebastian look up.

“Sorry Liebling. I just...” Seb shook his head. “I can’t believe it.”

“Good news though.”

“The best.”

Mark nodded, then looked to Teddy. It seemed so strange in a way that it should have taken so long to have what felt so naturally true confirmed: Teddy was their son.

He huffed out a long breath.

“I think we should sit down,” he decided.

 

Taking seats at the kitchen table Mark kept Teddy on his knee as Seb pulled his chair up close, instinctively wanting to stay pressed into them. He stroked a spare hand over Teddy’s hair.

“Sorry Schatz. Daddy’s right. I just got a bit worked up. Everything’s good. We just had the best news.”

“Our beautiful baby boy,” smiled Mark. “All official. Wow. Ha, this is brilliant. I thought we were weeks off.”

“So did I,” Seb agreed.

“Not complaining though.”

Sebastian finally laughed.

“No. Wow. Gosh I feel like I might start shaking.”

“Are you alright?”

“It’s just a shock.”

Seb raised his hand up and Mark frowned as he saw it really was trembling. That wasn’t good. He knew Seb had been worrying about this more than he let on even to him.

“Right, that won’t do sweetheart. Will you complain if I give you sugar in your tea?”

“I don’t think I’d complain about anything today.”

Mark huffed a laugh and passed Teddy over.

“You’re okay with him?”

“Course.” Sebastian smiled and gave Teddy a gentle squeeze, keeping him sat sideways on his lap so the baby could see them. “We’re so happy Kleiner. Everything’s okay now.”

 

Mark quickly made them two mugs of tea, putting sugar in his own tea for good measure. Then he placed them on the table and sat back down. He offered to take Teddy back so Seb could drink, but Seb shook his head, not wanting to let go.

“Righto,” agreed Mark softly, passing him his drink to sip to the side so it wasn’t over Teddy.

They both drank their sweet tea for a moment in quiet, calming themselves down before Mark retrieved the letter to re-read it.

“So we’ll get more to follow,” he noted.

Sebastian nodded.

“It is finalised though isn’t it Liebling?” he checked, suddenly anxious again.

Mark fitted his arm around him.

“Of course it is darling. All there in black and white. Official stamp and everything. We just need all the legal gubbins.”

Sebastian nodded and took in a slow breath. He needed to learn to stop worrying.

“Pretty good birthday present eh?” smiled Mark.

Seb nearly cried again at that. He nodded.

“The best. The best present ever.”

“For both of us though.”

“Of course.” Seb smiled, just a little watery eyed. “I don’t think I’ll ask for anything extra.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Don’t want all those presents waiting in the lounge then? Teddy spent ages picking one for his papa.”

Seb smiled at the baby.

“Did you Liebling?”

“I might have helped.”

Sebastian looked up to Mark and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

“Right. Tell you what, let’s just calm ourselves down, have a spot of brekkie, then we can go take a look if you like?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah okay. Oh, should we call Rachel?”

“Actually that’s a point. Why didn’t she say anything?”

“She can’t have known surely.” Sebastian managed to fish his phone out from his pocket. No missed calls, just a few texts saying happy birthday from family and friends with promises to call later. “No. Nothing.”

Mark was checking his phone too.

“Nope. Nada.” He looked at the clock up on the wall to see if was only a little past eight. “Still early I guess. Right, food. Then we’ll sort stuff.”

 

He took a swig of his tea then stood, leaving Seb to cuddle Teddy while he directed himself to practical tasks that Mark found reassuringly normal. As he cooked the birthday breakfast he had been planning beforehand, Mark considered that this was the best approach; nothing had changed, they just had confirmation of what was already their family. He put some bread in the toaster, then whisked some eggs in a pan.

Then as he was about to start cooking them Mark heard a happy little gurgle in the background and turned to look. There was Teddy smiling, reflecting the happy smile on Seb’s face as they sat together. His amazing, perfect family, right here in their kitchen, the dogs settled on the floor beside them, looking up as if still wondering what was going on.

Mark took a deep breath and suddenly felt a delayed surge of emotion. Going back over he sat down and leaned in to wrap his arms right around Seb and Teddy without saying a word. Mark closed his eyes and just felt them there. His family. Only a few years back he had been alone and now he had this. It really was incredible. As he sat up Mark gave each of them a kiss.

“Sorry. Just...”

He shrugged and Seb nodded, knowing exactly what that was about.

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

Mark huffed out a breath, then smiled and gave the dogs a rub as they came closer to him.

“Bit of a day boys,” he explained. “All good though.” He sat up, feeling re-set by the hug. “Right, try again. Brekkie.”

 

 

They were both feeling far more on an even keel once they had eaten and drunk more tea, this time minus the sugar as Seb insisted he was fine now. He kept Teddy on his knee, still not wanting to part with him. Mark cleared away, then looked back to them.

“Right, what shall we do first?”

Seb smiled, feeling more elated now that the initial shock had passed.

“Quite frankly Liebling if I could do cartwheels I’d go out into the garden and do them.”

Mark laughed and came back to perch on the edge of the table beside Seb, looking down at Teddy.

“Papa wants to do cartwheels kiddo, that’s how happy we are,” he explained.

“I can’t actually do them.”

“Me neither.”

“But in principle.”

“Absolutely,” nodded Mark. “Well maybe we could have a nice sit out in the sunshine for a play? Bit more sedate.”

“Yeah. Oh Liebling we need to call our families.”

“We do,” agreed Mark. “Blimey. I think it’s gonna get quite a reaction.”

He stood and pulled out his mobile phone to set it on the kitchen table, then glanced to Teddy again thinking that seeing as trying him with solids had hardly been an unqualified success, he would soon be hungry again.

“He hasn’t had his bottle yet, so just let me sort that first.”

Mark made Teddy his bottle and passed it over along with the muslin. He was about to suggest they went into the lounge when his phone on the table started ringing.

 

“Aha, it’s Rachel,” he spotted, already setting it on speaker as he rejoined the others at the table. “Hello,” he greeted.

“Mark, hi, is Seb there?”

“I’m here,” piped up Sebastian.

“Right, good. Okay, are you sitting down?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Bit late for that.”

“Hm?”

“We got it in the post.”

“What?”

Even down the line they could hear how stunned she sounded.

“They sent us the letter in the post,” repeated Seb. “Confirmation. We’ve been approved, for Teddy, we’ve had the adoption approved.”

“Oh my god. What? Already?” Rachel sighed. “How have they sent that already?”

“Postmark was Friday,” noted Mark, glancing at the envelope they had kept in view on the table.

Sat in her office Rachel ran a hand through her hair. It was barely half eight on Monday morning. First thing she had done was check her email and she’d rung them immediately.

“Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry,” she apologised. “I can’t believe they did that. I’m meant to call and come to see you…” She sighed and shook her head. “I’ve got an email saying they were going to fit in looking at your case, then a follow-up, but they came late on Friday and it’s the one time I took a bit of time back. I had a friend's wedding in Kent this weekend so I left early to drive down. I can’t believe the timing. I’m so sorry.”

Mark smiled at her effusive apology.

“Rach it’s fine.”

“I would have thought they wouldn't even have got it in the post until this morning.”

 

Rachel frowned in at the email message from the board’s assistant informing her they were looking at the Vettel-Webber’s case. Sent at 3.07pm on Friday. Precisely seven minutes after Rachel had made an early escape to drive down to Kent. The _one_ time she left early. Typical. She frowned as she re-read it whilst listening to Mark and Seb assuring her that they really didn’t mind in the circumstances. Rachel guessed that this email alerting her had been an afterthought when the assistant recalled her promise. It had to be surely, seeing as the official confirmation appeared to have been sent less than an hour later. Somebody must have just caught the last post? At least recorded post had taken until today to deliver. If it had arrived on the Saturday she would have been obliviously enjoying the wedding party and how would that have looked?

“So really Rach,” continued Mark. “I’m pretty sure we can let you off.”

“Hm? Oh right, thank you,” she caught up, returning her attention to the call. “Well thank you. Okay. Are you alright?”

“We’re fine.”

“It’s the best news,” added Seb. “We’re so happy.”

“I’m very pleased for you. No more than you deserve.”

“Thanks.”

“I really wouldn't want to have handled it this way though. I suppose they must be powering through to try to catch up on themselves, but really...”

“It’s fine.”

“They wouldn't have just posted it if it was a rejection would they?” checked Mark.

“No. Certainly not. They would have sent me the details and I would have asked you in to discuss how we resolved any issues, but… well that doesn’t matter now I suppose.”

 

Rachel wondered if her emphasis on how this case ought to be resolved as soon as possible had had more impact than she realised. Either way she was going to have a word about getting more notice. Pleased as she was for them, this did make her feel unprofessional. If only she’d waited and left a little later on Friday, then she could have rung them and informed them personally as she ought to.

“They said more to follow,” noted Mark, “so is that via you?”

“Yes, um, I’ll get onto making sure that’s all sorted and if I could come see you? I’ll get on it today, but I don’t know if I can get out to you this afternoon.”

“What about tomorrow?” suggested Seb. “Or Wednesday, though we’re flying out to Austria first thing on Thursday so we’ll need to pack at some point.”

“Ah of course. Well…” Rachel rapidly flicked through her diary. “Yes I can do eleven tomorrow if you can? I should have it all gathered together by then.”

“That’s fine isn’t it Liebling?”

“Yep. Best not today anyway really,” commented Mark. “We’ve got some pretty important calls to make.”

 

Seb looked to him. God they really needed to get on with calling their families. It still felt as though they were absorbing the news themselves though, so it was probably best that they hadn’t rung them right away. Teddy seemed done with his milk so he shifted him to lie into his shoulder, tucking the cloth beneath as he rubbed over the baby’s back.

“Plus it’s Seb’s birthday,” continued Mark.

“Oh of course,” realised Rachel. “Happy birthday Seb.”

“Yeah, ha, doesn’t get much better than this.”

“No indeed. Oh I really am pleased for you. We’ll get all the paperwork sorted out and finalised and then we can just have a chat about it.”

“Okay.”

“That sounds fine,” Mark agreed.

“And I can apologise in person for the mix up,” Rachel added.

“It’s fine. Really.”

“The one time I take any time off.”

“You deserved it Rachel,” asserted Seb. “You work so hard. We’re just grateful for all your help.”

“Course we are,” concurred Mark.

“Well you won’t be rid of me right away. I’ll still pop round for visits for the next six months, but really just to make sure you’re all happy and offer any support we can.”

“Okay.”

“Anyway, don’t worry about that. We can talk it through tomorrow. For now just enjoy it. You’ve worked hard for this and I’m sure that’s what they saw.”

 

Seb took in a happy breath. He’d imagined those officials picking all kinds of holes in their case; Finding fault with how much media attention they got, how often they travelled abroad, even if they might secretly harbour doubts about a gay couple adopting even if they weren’t meant to discriminate.

“Guess it has to be good if they made such a quick decision,” noted Mark.

“Yes,” Rachel agreed. “It sounds like it was very clear-cut, which of course doesn’t surprise me.”

Mark coughed a little laugh. It was easy to be sure after the fact.

“So do we need to do anything now?” he checked.

“No I’ll go chase up everything today and I’ll bring it all tomorrow. There’ll be things to sign, but it’s just paperwork.”

“Do we get a proper certificate?” asked Sebastian.

Mark smiled, but he knew what Seb meant, they wanted all the confirmation they could get.

“You will,” Rachel assured. “Once we’re all signed off tomorrow I’ll hand the paperwork in and get it sent out to you. Hopefully that won’t be such a shock to you.”

“Ha, I’ll say,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian could tell she was still feeling guilty so he added. “It was a nice surprise really, so it’s fine Rachel.”

“Thank you. Not how this should have gone, but, well, water under the bridge now I suppose.”

“Was it a nice wedding?”

Rachel smiled.

“Yes. Thank you. A friend from university I’ve not seen in a while. Kind of you to ask. Okay, I’ll let you ring your families, but if you want to ring me to ask any questions ahead of tomorrow then do.”

“Thanks.”

With goodbyes they hung up, all parties letting out long sighs afterwards. Rachel looked back to her computer screen. She was going to go right down there now and ask why on earth they hadn’t rung her and why they had gone ahead and sent the letter before she’d had chance to let the adoptive parents know it was imminent. Rachel resolved to make damn sure they let her know to go and collect all the legal paperwork before the day was out. Thank god the Vettel-Webbers had taken it so well.

 

Back in the kitchen Seb and Mark looked to one another, then down at Teddy.

“Right then, shall we go Facetime our folks?” proposed Mark.

“What time is it in Australia?”

Mark laughed.

“Darling you think they’re going to object to this call no matter what time it is?”

“I guess.”

“Though actually it’s only getting on for six pm, so we’re fine.”

“Oh okay.”

Sebastian lifted Teddy higher, then stood. Mark leaned in to smile at Teddy.

“Let’s go make your grandmas cry.”

“Aw.”

“Hey sweetheart if you were bad wait for my mum. She’ll want to be on the next flight.”

 

The dogs trailed them into the lounge, sitting at their feet by the sofa.

“It’s lucky we’ll be seeing my family this weekend,” noted Seb.

“Great timing,” Mark agreed.

“I feel bad about yours though.”

“Nah it’s fine. We’ll see them next month.”

“Oh I suppose.”

“We’ll cheer them up with that.”

“We can see about getting all that sorted out now,” Sebastian realised happily. The christening and everything.”

“Yep. Good stuff.”

Sebastian let out a contented sigh and leaned more into Mark as he held his phone ready.

“Right sweetheart. Yours or mine first?”

“Um. Yours Liebling. We’ll see mine in a few days.”

“Fair enough.” Mark gave Teddy’s cheek a little chub. “Time to pull a few more shocks kiddo. Don’t worry if they get a bit worked up too, we’re all just really happy mate.”

Seb hugged Teddy in a little more, wondering what he must be making of all this fuss. They’d just have to keep him close and make sure he understood everything was alright.

 

 

It was nearly an hour before they were done, thankfully even catching Seb’s sisters before their mother broke the big news. Seeing as Fabian was in school, Seb could only send him a text asking him to ring if he got chance on a break between lessons, but he suspected his mum would beat him to the punch.

“Do you think I should just tell him?” wondered Seb.

“In a text? No sweetheart he’ll call you back.”

“Okay.”

“So then. Now, there’s a little matter of your birthday,” Mark reminded him.

Sebastian looked over to the small pile of presents and unopened cards awaiting his attention. The truth was he really wasn’t that bothered about them now. After all, what could compare with the gift they had already received?

“Of course,” Seb agreed with a smile.

“Why don’t I take him so you’ll have free hands?”

Seb nodded and finally passed Teddy to him so they could go sit on the floor over by the presents. Mark sat Teddy facing Seb on his knee, the dogs obediently lying to the side with strict instructions to behave themselves as Seb first opened up his cards, showing Mark and Teddy each one.

“Oh we need to ring Jess and Jenson too,” he realised as he reached their card.

“Yeah okay. In a bit maybe.”

“Mm.”

Seb set another ‘Happy 30th’ card up on the mantelpiece then bobbed back down, now allowing himself to open the presents.

“Okay which is yours Liebling? I should open that first.”

“Well this one’s from me and Teddy,” offered Mark, picking up one and passing it over.

Sebastian nodded and opened it up to reveal a silver frame with a picture of their family sat in the garden less than a week ago, bright sunshine above, the dogs knelt either side of him and Mark as though they were on guard, Teddy perched right in the middle on both their knees as he smiled and clapped his hands, his parents looking on proudly. Pauline had taken it for them, just another shot on Mark’s phone, but it had come out well.

“Oh Liebling,” sighed Seb, close to welling up again. “This is perfect.”

Mark smiled and leaned over to give him a kiss.

“Thought you’d like it.” He glanced over at their now very full mantelpiece. “Think we’re gonna have to find a place to expand our display.”

 

Sebastian just smiled as he handed the scrunched up wrapping paper to Teddy who happily patted it. He looked at the framed photograph once more, loving it even more because Mark understood that it was things like this that really made him happy, not some grand expensive huge gift, but something of their family to treasure.

“It’s really lovely Liebling, thank you.”

Mark smiled back.

“Tis nice isn’t it?”

“We could put this one by our bed.”

“Good idea,” agreed Mark thinking putting it by the one of him and Seb on the beach from a couple of years back would be a good symbol of how things were changing in their family. “I thought it was a good shot when Pauline took it.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened as he realised they hadn’t called her.

“Pauline!”

“Oh blimey.”

Right on cue there was the sound of a car on the drive and Mark huffed a laugh thinking this was the second time she would be walking into a shock development in their family situation.

“Come on then, we’d better go give her the news.”

He stood, letting Teddy hang on to the shiny wrapping paper he liked. Seb placed the photo frame on the coffee table and the dogs followed them out into the hall where they opened the door to see Pauline walking towards them, already wondering why they were all there to greet her. Mark dipped down to whisper in Teddy’s ear.

“We’re about to make another nice lady cry mate. Try not to worry. It’s only cos they love you.”

 

 

* * *

 


	230. Weathered Storms - pt 1

* * *

 

 

So often in the past for Seb having his family with him at races had ended up being more stressful than they knew, but in Austria it was a genuinely a relief. It gave them a chance to share their joy at having Teddy’s adoption confirmed and it helped to have others around to lend a hand with the baby. The whole weekend seemed to fly by and before they knew it they were saying goodbyes and parting ways.

Once they were back home it was almost no time before another race was upon them seeing as Austria and Silverstone were back-to-back weekends. At least with the circuit only half an hour away the British Grand Prix was considerably easier to deal with though. Mark didn’t go along with Seb until the Friday when there was actual running on track to see, then when they got home that evening Fabian arrived, looking pleased with himself for sorting out getting a taxi from the airport on his own.

“I can’t believe it’s raining,” complained Fabian as Mark sorted out a quick dinner in the kitchen.

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“I can seeing as I’ve spent half the day driving in it.”

“Glad I’m not camping there.”

“Can if you want,” teased Mark. “We’ll just drop you off.”

“No you’re alright thanks.” Fabian leaned in to his nephew sat on Seb’s lap by the table near him. “I want to stay and play with Teddy.”

“Ah good stuff.”

“I hope you’re ready for an early start tomorrow,” Seb warned him.

“What time?”

“We’ll leave at seven.”

“Okay, I’ll set my alarm.”

Mark huffed a laugh and came to join them.

“Doubt you’ll need an alarm mate. This little one wakes us before six regular as clockwork and I’m pretty sure you’ll hear it down your end.” Mark gave Teddy a smile and stroked over his wispy hair. “Not too bad really these days.”

“He’s very good,” assured Seb. “Just the odd wake-up in-between.”

“Does he like the mobile I got him?” asked Fabian.

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yeah mate, helps him drop off. Speaking of which it’ll be pretty early nights while you’re here. Hope you don’t mind?”

“Course not. I can’t wait to get there tomorrow.”

Mark caught Seb’s eye thinking his little brother’s enthusiasm was undimmed. Not so little any more. Fabian could go in the garage to enjoy the race now without needing Mark to keep an eye on him whilst he instead looked after a far littler charge back at the base.

 

 

Mark had to admit it was nice to have more company at the circuit. The hours sat waiting for Seb to come back from working didn’t seem so long when he had someone to chat to and it was nice to see Fabian fussing over Teddy, enjoying making him laugh and bouncing him on his knee in the base while Mark got a rest and drank a coffee while it was still hot. It was nice for Sebastian as well to have someone there in the garage when he looked over from his car. He’d never say as much to Mark for fear of making him feel guilty when he was busy looking after their son, but Seb did miss him being there supporting him, even if the support was just as real when it came from a little further away.

For Fabian’s part he relished the opportunity to really feel like an adult when he stayed with his brother and Mark. He didn’t mind that the extent of their evening’s entertainment was dinner then a film in the lounge before an early bed. From his point of view watching his brother and Mark trying to feed their son without getting covered in the mush that seemed to escape from the plastic dish set in front of Teddy was pretty entertaining in itself and the dogs seemed so pleased to see him that Fabian volunteered to take them for an extra walk while his hosts tidied up.

 

By race day they were all in a fairly good mood. As usual Seb was back and forth between the garage and the motor-home with only short spells to spend with his family, but Mark could enjoy feeling more social as he saw plenty of old friends around the place. It was really only after Seb came to change into his race-suit before the off while Mark had said his good lucks and hugged him goodbye, that Mark found himself feeling rather alone again. Fabian had practically skipped off to the garage with his brother, so now Mark was sat in hospitality with only Teddy to talk to.

“Just us again buddy.”

Teddy merely looked back at his father, so Mark gave him a smile.

“Ah well. Let’s look out for Papa and see if they show your Uncle Fabian on TV, yeah? Good lad.”

He set his son to face out sat on his knee to look at the television screen and Mark settled in for the duration. He knew the score. This was how things were and so long as Seb came back safe in a couple of hours time then Mark could stick out another race worrying about him with only their son for company.

 

 

When it was all over they insisted on taking Fabian to the airport rather than letting him get a taxi, even though he tried to insist with equal fervour that he was fine to look after himself. As Seb gave his brother a hug in the departures lounge he knew Fabian was secretly pleased that they were making the effort, particularly after a long race day. Letting go of him, Fabian smiled to see the way Seb stood with Mark holding Teddy. Just by looking at them he could tell it was as though a weight had been lifted from them. The previous weekend had been nice, but to really see them at home, acting naturally as a family now they were confirmed as such, had been better still.

“Can I have a last cuddle?” Fabian requested.

Mark chuckled, knowing who he was asking that of and passed Teddy over. Fabian smiled at his nephew.

“Bye then Teddy. Be good for your daddy and papa.”

Giving him a last little jig up Fabian gave him over to Seb, then began picking up his belongings ready to go through the gate.

“Thanks for having me.”

“Course. It’s been nice,” assured Sebastian. “Hasn’t it Teddybär? You’ve loved playing with your Uncle Fabe.”

“I liked it too.”

Mark gave Fabian a pat on the arm.

“Been good to have you around mate.”

“Thanks.”

“And you’ll be back pretty soon,” added Seb. “Not much more than a month.”

“I can come early again can’t I? Ahead of Mum and Dad and the others.”

“Of course.”

“Absolutely mate,” concurred Mark. “Need you to help us set up.”

Fabian laughed.

“I don’t mind that. Cool. Right, well I’d better go I suppose.”

 

With last goodbyes Fabian finally left them, pausing only to wave before he was out of sight. Seb hitched Teddy up into one arm so he could wave and Mark helped Teddy join in the farewell. Then he was gone and Sebastian let out a sigh. Mark put his arm around him.

“Alright sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded and turned to look at him.

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go home then. You must be knackered.”

Seb gave Mark a half smile back.

“Actually yeah. Do you mind taking him, my arms are just gone.”

Mark took Teddy and planted a quick kiss on Seb’s cheek, not making any comment about the fact Seb had waited until his brother had left to admit how tired he really was.

“What say we do something really radical and pick up some take-away on the way home?”

“Naughty.”

“Yeah but nice. ‘sides you just used up about 1500 calories this afternoon. I think you can afford a little treat.”

“And that’s just dealing with the media after the race.”

Mark chuckled as they began heading back to the carpark.

“Sounds right. Double that then.”

“Something healthy-ish at least,” asserted Sebastian.

“Sure. _Ish_.”

Seb smiled and pressed a little more into his side as they walked along. Ten whole days until they had to go off again. It had been good to have his brother here, but back to being just their little family alone at home for a while would really be quite nice after all.

 

 

 

It felt good to take some time after the elation and excitement of Teddy’s adoption being officially confirmed and indeed sharing that with Seb’s family on top of back-to-back racing weekends. Once that was out of the way they had a chance to take stock, to proudly frame the adoption document alongside another photograph that Pauline took of their little family on the day it arrived.

Unfortunately all was not entirely sweetness and light. In addition to continuing their attempts to begin gradually weaning their son, the progress Mark and Seb had been making with Teddy sleeping in his nursery _almost_ through the night was interrupted by the unwelcome arrival of his first tooth which heralded new disruption as the baby howling unhappily at the pain it caused him. His parents tried every technique they read about; giving him chilled gum rings to chew, rubbing Bonjela teething gel on where they could feel a tooth crowning and even giving him Calpol when things got bad, but none of them were magic fixes and if they worked at all it was only ever a temporary respite.

When they took him for his check-up at the doctor's all they could really advise was doing more of the same and just sticking it out, but it wasn’t all that helpful to be told it was normal when you were stood trying to comfort a wailing infant at regular intervals all through the night. By the start of the week before the race in Hungary Mark was back to insisting he took night duty again, so while Sebastian tried to force himself to go back to sleep, Mark was the one pacing the nursery at midnight and two am and half three, and twenty to five and all the other times he couldn’t even get to steal a glance at his phone though the lightening sky outside told its own story.

He hated seeing how miserable Teddy appeared, his little face going puce as he screamed. Mark felt his gums to try to work out where a second tooth might be crowning and was rewarded by his son biting with the tiny tooth that had already come through.

“Ow!” complained Mark. “Blimey son, I’m only trying to help.”

Teddy pouted at him as his father shook his finger, looking to see a little pink indentation. Sighing Mark hitched him higher and went downstairs to the kitchen to fetch a freshly chilled gum ring, then took Teddy into the lounge in the hope that Seb wouldn't be able to hear them this far away. Mark noted with a wry smile that the dogs had _not_ come with them. They had lifted their head to see him enter the kitchen, then attempted to bury themselves in their baskets to hide from the din. As Mark sat down he looked at Teddy who was at least lowering down a notch or two now he had something soothing to gum at.

“Eeh, you don’t half make a racket for one so small mate.”

Teddy sniffled so Mark wiped his face dry then reached for the remote control to switch the television on, turning the volume down so it was only in the background.

“Tell you what sweetheart, seeing as we’re up why don’t we watch one of Papa’s races? Whatcha reckon, Silvo be good? Yeah, let’s watch that for a bit, have a nice settle down.”

He found the recording and pressed play, then settled back on the sofa, lying Teddy down in his arms to relax him in the hope that he might drop off, tilting him slightly so that he could see the screen if he wished.

“There, that’s better isn’t it? Hmm. Much more restful when we know Papa did alright in it.”

 

Whether his efforts helped or his son had just worn himself out, Mark didn’t know, but Teddy did quiet and after twenty minutes both of them were beginning to drift. His head sank and only as Mark lifted it back up with a flinch at the realisation he was about to fall asleep, did he appreciate that Teddy was in the same situation. He took in a deep breath to wake himself enough to go upstairs and switched the TV off, then taking care not to disturb Teddy, Mark levered himself off the sofa and trudged up the stairs to place him in his cot before returning to his own bedroom.

He stood in the doorway for a moment watching Seb lying fast asleep, then crawled into bed alongside him. Sebastian snuffled and moved, partially opening bleary eyes as he felt the mattress dip.

“Just me sweetheart,” assured Mark softly, leaning in to kiss his temple. “Go back to sleep.”

“Mm, Teddy ‘kay?”

“Yeah. It’s typical though. Get to a good place and we’re right back again.” Mark huffed a little laugh to himself. “Just when you think it’s safe to go back into the water eh?”

“Hmm?”

Mark smiled and shook his head at how dozy Seb sounded.

“Never mind darling. He’ll be okay. Sleep now.”

Sebastian shuffled closer to rest his head by Mark’s shoulder and wrapped his arm around him. Feeling more at peace Mark closed his eyes, praying that the monitor by his side of the bed wouldn't burst back into life too soon. He was going to have to get some more naps in the day or he’d be knackered. Mark could feel from the way Seb was slowly breathing into him that he was asleep already. He couldn't resent it when he had been the one to insist on things being this way, but god Mark was tired, so damn tired.

 

 

 

 

 

There wasn’t much let up when they arrived in Hungary. Seb was busy off working while Mark was left wandering the RedBull base, trying to do whatever he could do alleviate his son’s discomfort or at least distract him from seemingly incessant crying. He took him up to the open top floor of the motor-home on the Friday afternoon, sitting under the canvas shades to try pointing out where the race cars were in the distance on track, hoping to make a game of spotting Papa, but the late July heat was just too much even without direct sunlight on them. It was usual for it to be hot for the race here in Budapest, but it was getting oppressive with little breeze blowing to alleviate things as it might at home in England.

After five minutes Mark realised that the fresh air wasn’t enough to compensate for the lack of cool air-conditioning and Teddy was looking too pink-cheeked even wearing only a little t-shirt and shorts. The baby waggled his chubby bare legs and began wailing again, so Mark took him back inside. He trooped back downstairs, then deciding that he had had enough of people sending them displeased looks at the noise, Mark returned to Seb’s room to watch FP2 there. He hitched Teddy higher so he could press the buttons on the little panel to cool the room further, then sat down on the bed with a huff.

“C’mon sweetheart, is it that bad?”

Teddy scowled at him, then bawled some more and Mark let out a long sigh before getting up again to search through his array of fall-backs to try to make things just a little better. Maybe if he gave him a bit of Calpol it would help? It really wasn’t fair on the poor little guy to leave him suffering.

 

An hour later Sebastian returned to find Mark sat on the bed with Teddy fast asleep in his pram bassinet which they had brought in addition to the main frame now having the push-chair fitted for their son now he was bigger.

“He dropped off then?” noted Seb cheerily.

Mark gave him a look and Seb realised he had said the wrong thing.

“Eventually,” Mark replied darkly.

“Oh. Sorry.”

Mark puffed out air and shook his head.

“No it’s alright. He’s just a bit miserable at the moment poor kid. I don’t think this heat helps.”

Sebastian went to crouch down, gently touching their son’s pink cheeks to feel how warm they were, then he looked up at Mark.

“I’m sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“Not your fault sweetheart.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Mark shook his head again.

“He’s asleep now. We just have to wait till it comes through.”

“And hope the next tooth waits a while.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah that’d be nice.” They looked at one another for a moment and Mark knew Seb was feeling guilty, so he changed the subject. “Anyway, not a bad session there.”

 

Sebastian came and sat by him on the bed.

“Yeah it was okay, thanks.”

“Plenty to build on for tomorrow.”

“Mm, yeah, Liebling why don’t you go on ahead to the hotel? I’m gonna be a while doing debriefs and prep for quali.”

“We’re fine here.”

“You’re sure?”

Mark shrugged.

“Asleep now. No point disturbing him.”

“Okay.”

Mark knew Sebastian wanted to find something, _anything_ he could do to help, or at least make things easier for Mark, but he didn’t much want to hang around the hotel room on his own when the whole point of coming had been to be with Seb. Mark had thought about Sebastian’s suggestion that perhaps Teddy ought to stay home for this one in the circumstances. It would mean Seb could get unbroken sleep to be best prepared for his race and there was no denying that it was easier to care for their baby at home, but logic aside Mark would always prefer to be with Seb.

There was also the lurking memory of how badly last year’s race had turned out when Mark hadn’t been here. It wasn’t just that Seb had disastrously suffered a technical failure in the car resulting in him becoming dehydrated and ending up in the medical centre. That was bad enough on its own, but Mark couldn't forget how close Heikki had come to Seb here.

It made no difference to know that threat was removed now. Mark felt the need to be with him, almost as if by being here now he undid the mistake of _not_ being here twelve months ago. It also concerned him that Seb might be thinking about both those things, though they had avoided talking about it in the run-up. Teddy was going to be teething whichever country they were in, so to Mark’s mind it was better they were here. Only two more days until they’d be flying home to start the summer break.

 

So he stuck out waiting around on Sebastian to finish work before they could head back into town, the team thankfully based in a hotel set in a nice quiet area. Teddy had been up in between, but during the car journey he had fallen asleep again in his car-seat so Mark carried him up in that and left him in it set on the floor of the lounge area of their room while he and Seb took a moment to themselves to enjoy a spell of peace.

“Poor thing,” sympathised Seb, looking at their son sat just a couple of feet in front of them. “He looks worn out.”

“Mm.”

Seb turned to him.

“You too Liebling.”

“Cheers.”

“No I mean...”

Mark shook his head.

“It’s okay. I am pretty knackered.”

“Oh Liebling I wish there was something I could do.”

“I know. We just have to stick it out.”

“As soon as we get home I’ll make up for it I promise.”

Mark nodded, though a part of his brain couldn't help thinking it would be sod’s law that by then Teddy’s tooth would have come through and things would calm down again. It was no more Seb’s fault than Teddy’s though, so Mark put his arm around him.

“I know you will darling. It’s okay.”

Sebastian leaned his head down onto Mark’s shoulder while they sat in quiet for a minute, then Mark turned to kiss his temple.

“C’mon, why don’t we get some dinner while the going’s good?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

 

An hour later they were attempting to feed their son with food lovingly prepared and puréed by the accommodating hotel kitchen. They hadn’t gone so far as to lug their high-chair on the plane with them (even if they did make regular jokes that they did pretty much bring everything but the kitchen sink these days), the hotel had come up trumps and provided one for them, Mark tucking a towel underneath it to save the carpet. He was just thinking they were doing a reasonable job of getting Teddy to eat what was offered when half-way through the baby spat out a mouthful of stewed vegetables and started crying.

“Ah _Teddy_ ,” sighed Mark.

“Maybe I caught his gum with the spoon?” worried Seb.

Mark shrugged, then shook his head as he cleaned up the mess.

“Aren’t you hungry mate?”

Teddy reached out his arms to him so Mark gave in and removed his bib before unclipping him and lifting Teddy out.

“Come on now, calm down,” he hushed as he stroked over Teddy’s back.

“Shall I make a bottle instead?” offered Seb.

“Worth a go.”

 

They tried that, but Teddy seemed no more interested in milk than solids so Sebastian got up and went to the window to check that the street below looked quiet.

“What about taking him out for a walk Liebling?” he proposed. “It’ll be cooler now.”

Mark looked at their crying son and decided that it was worth a go. Even if it didn’t do much to calm Teddy it would be a break for the pair of them.

“Yeah, good idea sweetheart.”

Quarter of an hour later they were strolling the back streets tucked away behind their hotel, passing little shops shut for the day that were plainly aimed at locals not the tourists who would go the other way towards the hotspots where bars and restaurants would be just filling up for the evening. Not the kind of evening they were going to have.

Without much of a plan where they were going they wandered down any road that looked quiet, finding plenty of tree-lined avenues that were cool and peaceful in the early evening. Someone walked past on the other side of the road catching Seb’s eye and he found himself staring over as he pushed Teddy along. Mark noticed and looked over as well.

“You alright?” he checked.

Seb looked back to him.

“Hm?”

“You were staring at that guy. Is everything okay?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry Liebling.”

Mark automatically turned his head to look so he could be sure that the man hadn’t been holding a camera or a phone up to take a picture, but it seemed the passer-by hadn’t paid them the attention they had him and was simply walking on his way in the other direction going about his business, whatever that was.

 

Mark slipped his hand over Sebastian’s as they continued.

“Sweetheart.”

Seb shook his head, knowing Mark could read him all too easily.

“It wasn’t here. It was near the hotel, just… trees and parked cars…” He shrugged. “Just struck a chord that’s all. It’s nothing Liebling.”

“Okay,” Mark agreed, not wanting to build something out of nothing.

“I can’t spend my life being paranoid. Besides that’s all over with.”

Mark nodded. He noted Seb didn’t say Heikki was dead now. They never said his name if they could avoid it. Mark kept his hand over Seb’s as they walked. All Heikki had done was stalk Sebastian here and take pictures of him to fuel his obsession. Though that had been bad enough, there was nothing to suggest he had anything else planned, but Mark would always be grateful Seb had bumped into Lewis that night nonetheless.

“I don’t want to think about it,” Seb admitted.

Mark rubbed his thumb over Seb’s hand suddenly feeling very glad he was here with him.

“No,” he agreed, trying to push away all those dark fears about how Heikki could have grabbed Seb unawares and shoved him into the back of a van or the boot of a car or followed him up to his room and forced his way in. That hadn’t happened and now it never could. Mark looked down to Teddy in his push-chair, the most potent symbol of how much their life had changed in twelve months.

“Quiet now,” he observed. “This was a good idea sweetheart.”

Sebastian peered round to see Teddy holding onto the little toy attached to his push-chair, then nodded to Mark.

“Maybe he’ll drop off if we walk a bit further?”

“Worth a go.”

 

 

By chance they stumbled across a little square with a tiny residents’ park in the centre, lined by tall trees that no doubt gave much needed shade when the sun was higher during the day. They walked around the outer railings, expecting it to be locked up by now seeing as it was now quarter to eight in the evening, but along the other side they came across an open gate, so they wandered in, passing a tennis court where some young people were playing a game and some rather dusty looking grass that looked in need of a good watering. Then something brightly coloured caught Seb’s eye on the far side.

“Oh look Liebling, I think it’s a playground.”

They walked on to find that it was indeed a small children’s play area complete with slide and swings as well as various things to climb on. There was another low fence and a gate, but when pushed it swung open, so they wheeled the pushchair in, then stopped to look down at Teddy.

“Whatcha think matey?” asked Mark. “Have a little play?”

Most children were safely tucked up in bed, or were at least home by now, so they had the place to themselves. Sebastian sat with Teddy on his knee to have a gentle swing, then they took it in turns to hold Teddy to slide him down the last bit of the toddler slide. As he reached the bottom once again the baby actually let out a little gurgling laugh. Mark turned to Seb, raising an eyebrow.

“First time I’ve heard that today.” He looked back to Teddy held at the bottom of the slide by Seb. “Like this don’t you, hmm?”

Teddy clapped his hands so Mark smiled and took him to do his turn, half-hoping that this might tire their son out. They tried sitting on the little roundabout with him, but Teddy clearly didn’t enjoy the spinning sensation much, so they returned to the swings, choosing to take turns holding him rather than risk sitting him in one of the baby swings just yet.

 

It was only as they noticed that the light was beginning to fade that they realised the time.

“We should get back,” decided Mark.

Sebastian nodded and stopped the swing to stand so he could put Teddy back in his pushchair. The baby scowled and started crying again as Seb clipped his belts up so Seb stroked his cheek.

“Shhh now Teddybär, bedtime.”

“We’ll try him with a bottle when we get in.”

Seb stood and nodded again.

“Yeah. Hope it works.”

 

 

It did, temporarily at least. They got Teddy off to sleep only for him to wake them again a couple of hours later. Sebastian sat up in bed as Mark stood jigging him lit only by the bedside lamp.

“Shall I make him some milk?” he offered.

Mark turned his head away from where Teddy was currently trying to deafen him by screaming right by his ear. He had already attempted rubbing his gum with numbing gel, but it hadn’t made much impression.

“I don’t think he’s hungry.”

Sebastian frowned, trying to think how to help, then remembered the gum rings sat in their hotel mini-fridge alongside the miniature vodkas and gins they hadn’t quite reached the stage of contemplating drinking. He climbed out of bed and fetched one, passing it to Mark who distractedly attempted to persuade Teddy to chew on it, though he was rather busy using his mouth to scream at him.

“Darling don’t, just… C’mon mate, please?”

“Want me to take him?” asked Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“You go back to bed.”

Seb looked at him and Mark knew there was no chance he could sleep with this going on.

“I’ll take him for a walk,” he decided.

“Where?”

“Just round the hotel.”

“Mark...”

“No sweetheart you need to sleep. You’ve got quali tomorrow.”

Seb glanced to the clock, but he thought it unwise to correct Mark and say qualifying was now today, not tomorrow.

“It’s fine,” Mark assured. “Go back to bed.”

Sebastian sighed, but Mark had no energy for a discussion on the matter so he simply shoved his feet into a pair of trainers and hitched Teddy higher.

“I won’t be long.”

Seb pouted but he knew that arguing wouldn't help, so he merely nodded.

“Do you need anything?” he checked.

Mark shook his head, already shouldering the baby bag and pocketing a key before returning both hands to hold his son to exit the room. Sebastian sat back on the bed still looking to the closed door. He could hear Teddy still crying beyond it, but the sound faded and he knew Mark was taking him away, deliberately distancing them so Seb wouldn't hear him. He let out a long sigh, but Seb knew he did no justice to Mark’s sacrifice by sitting up, so he climbed back into bed and settled back down, falling asleep in a guiltily short amount of time.

 

 

 

 

The following morning they arrived early at the circuit as usual, only to bump into Christian in the motor-home already getting himself a coffee at the counter to take through to his office.

“I could do with one myself,” commented Mark.

“This little guy keeping you up all night?”

Mark looked to Teddy whom Seb had just lifted out of his pushchair, the new sun-screen now folded up out of the way.

“Not _all_ night,” he replied somewhat dourly.

“He did drop off eventually,” defended Seb.

“He’s teething,” Mark explained to Christian.

“Ah. Thought he didn’t look too happy this weekend.” Christian smiled. “I should send you to go walk the corridors where other teams are staying tonight, see if we can’t use it to our advantage.”

He meant it as a joke, but Mark sighed, thinking how Seb’s boss must have heard them last night seeing as his room was down the hall from theirs.

“I’m sorry if we kept you up mate.”

Christian shook his head.

“I was just kidding.”

“Could you hear him?” asked Seb.

“Just in passing,” he shrugged.

“I took him down to the lounge,” Mark stated. “I was trying not to disturb people.”

“He was letting me sleep,” Seb added.

“Of course,” assured Christian. “Really I only heard it for a moment. Not much you can do if the poor little lad’s teething.” He looked in at Teddy in Seb’s arms. “Quiet now at least. Maybe you can have a nap before we get going later?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Sounds good to me mate.”

Christian smiled.

“I’m sure. Well I’ll see you in a bit Seb. Mark.”

With a nod he was off, carrying his tall paper take-out cup of coffee to his office as the others headed to Seb’s room to set themselves up for the day.

  


They had left the bassinet in Seb’s room to act as temporary crib for Teddy so Mark had somewhere to put him down while he had a lie down himself when Seb was off preparing for the day’s running. He put his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes for a moment, then seemingly seconds later Mark opened them as he heard grizzling. He huffed out a breath as he sat up, then levered himself from the bed to go and kneel on the floor by Teddy, lifting him out to look at him, seeing that little face screwing itself up to howl out his unhappiness as loudly as possible. Mark gently stroked the side of Teddy’s face to try to calm him.

“Is it hurting again darling? Okay, okay, let’s see what we can do…”

He set Teddy to hold with one arm then reached for the bag. Back on duty.

 

 

 

 

That evening they had planned to repeat the activity of the night before, hoping to both entertain their son in the little playground they had found and have a nice family walk to calm them all after dinner, but unfortunately the hot weather that had been building through the week finally broke into heavy rain just as they arrived back at the hotel. As a result they found themselves room-bound, Seb called up to Christian’s room for an extra pick-up meeting to discuss the turn in the weather and how it might affect the race. When he came back to their room Seb found Mark pacing up and down by the windows, holding their crying son and hushing him.

“I can take him,” Sebastian offered him as he came over.

Mark puffed a breath and nodded, feeling his arms beyond tired already.

“What did they have to say then?” he asked.

Sebastian hitched Teddy up a little, rubbing over his back.

“Well the forecast is kindof all over the place so we’d run some of the scenarios earlier, but Christian wanted us to have another look at a wet race run, just talking through the options.”

“Right. So they don’t know?”

“Not really. 60% chance of rain at the start of the race.”

“Could go either way then?”

“Mm, except it wasn’t meant to be as heavy as this right now according to the earlier forecast.”

Seb nodded to the window where the rain was currently bouncing down onto the dusty city street below.

“Ah.”

“So we can’t really know what’s gonna happen. I think that was Christian’s point, he just wanted everyone to be on their toes for tomorrow, make sure we’re ready for changes.”

 

Mark nodded, then before he could say anything else the darkening sky outside was suddenly lit up by a flash of light, then moments later a crash of thunder resounded through the city. The noise was loud, but it was matched by the resultant screams from Teddy who cowered into Seb in shock.

“Oh Liebling, shh, it’s just a storm,” Sebastian reassured.

He held Teddy in closer as Mark pulled the curtains closed in an attempt to shield him from it, but the sound of thunder in the distance still came through. Seb had taken the baby over to the sofa, trying to calm him to no avail.

“Shh, shh. Alles ist Ordnung, habe keine Angst Kleiner.”

Mark sat with them, trying rubbing over Teddy’s arm as well.

“It’s alright mate.”

Teddy slowed for a moment as he looked at him, then there came another crash and the baby visibly flinched and started sobbing. Seb closed his eyes, hating seeing him so frightened, particularly when there was nothing they could do to stop it.

“Shh-shh.”

A further rumble and then a cracking noise rent the air and Teddy screamed all the louder. Seb looked to Mark.

“What do we do?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“He’s already all worked up from his tooth,” he noted.

Another thunderclap struck, sounding closer now and reverberating against all the buildings placed close together here in the heart of the city. Mark could see that Teddy was only getting himself in a worse state. He looked around, wondering what they could do, then his eyes rested on the bathroom door. It was situated away from external walls with no windows and thus ought to be more muffled. Mark considered suggesting they gave Teddy a bath, but as he saw how their son was shrinking into Seb in fear he knew that the baby needed to be held close.

“Right, hang on,” he decided.

Sebastian frowned as Mark stood, then went over and swept up the duvet and pillows before taking them into the bathroom before emerging and looking for a couple of Teddy’s favourite soft toys.

“Let’s try this,” Mark encouraged.

“In the bathroom?”

“Worth a go.”

Teddy howled all the louder as another rumble boomed and rolled around them, so Seb nodded and stood with him.

 

Entering the bathroom Mark started arranging the pillows and duvet, dumping the toys down there and shutting the door. Sebastian realised that he had made them a little nest to hide away in, so as Mark sat down, leaning into the pillows propped by the side of the bath, he passed Teddy over and sat with them, pulling the duvet around and holding Teddy’s dinosaur toy for him to see.

“Dino Liebling.”

Teddy whimpered, but he took the toy and cuddled it in against him as he pressed into Mark.

“Alright mate, alright,” soothed Mark. “We’re safe, nothing’s going to hurt you.”

He held Teddy a little higher and more over to Seb so they could both huddle around him.

“Daddy and Papa never let anything hurt you Teddybär,” Seb reassured.

Teddy sniffled, looking as though he was anticipating another frightening noise at any moment. Letting out a sigh, Seb shook his head at Mark.

“Poor thing, he’s terrified.”

Mark nodded. He could comment that at least their son was worrying less about his tooth now, but that seemed unkind when Teddy’s fear was so genuine. He placed his cheek by Teddy’s ear to speak softly there.

“C’mon now darling. It’s all okay, calm down, calm now.”

Gently smoothing his hand over Teddy’s back at the same time, Mark seemed to have an affect, the baby slowing as he realised that the scary noises had gone away and his parents were holding him safely. It still took another ten minutes until he finally stopped crying despite all his parents’ effort to soothe him. Then as the room quieted the adults tried listening to see if they could hear if the storm had abated.

“I’ll go check,” decided Seb, getting up from the duvet they were bundled into.

 

He stood and went through, shutting the door behind him to go open a curtain to look out. The rain was still sheeting down onto the street below, but after waiting a minute or so Seb verified that the actual thunder and lightning appeared to have passed on. When he returned to the bathroom Seb ducked down by the others, looking in to see how Teddy was doing.

“Quiet now.”

“Outside or in here?” asked Mark.

“Outside. Still raining, but not the rest.”

“Good. Right, hear that kiddo? The nasty storm’s gone away. All okay now.”

“What about giving him a bath?”

Mark nodded, thinking their son ought to be sufficiently settled by now for that.

“We’ve got some of his bath toys,” noted Seb. “They might cheer him up a bit.”

“Worth trying,” Mark agreed. “Here, can you take him and I’ll tidy up?”

Five minutes later Teddy sat in a few inches of water, splashing it at his parents who knelt up beside the bath, less concerned with washing him than the warm water giving a soothing sensation. Teddy wasn’t quite his normal laughing burbling self, but he did seem settled down.

“If we give him a bottle after this he might go off,” suggested Mark.

Seb nodded, then pulled back a little as Teddy sent up a haphazard splosh of water in his direction.

“Yeah, hope so,” he agreed.

 

 

The storm may have passed, but the rain pelted down with continued ferocity in the darkness outside the hotel as all the family slept. Shortly after midnight a crying noise cut through the night air. Mark groaned as he opened his eyes, already feeling Seb moving off from where he had been resting against his chest. He sat, looking over to Teddy in the low-light from the lamp they had left on, then Mark sighed and rubbed a hand over his face to wake himself enough to pick the baby up. Before Mark could tell him not to, Sebastian climbed out of bed to fetch a chilled gum ring and pass him the teething gel.

“Should we give him some Calpol?” he asked.

Mark was busy dabbing some gel on the sore spot on Teddy’s gum, thinking how warm it felt. He removed his finger to encourage the baby to have the soft plastic ring cooling there instead.

“Hm?”

“Calpol?”

“Um.” Mark looked to Teddy, then checked the time. They were trying to avoid getting too dose-happy medicating their son, though it was hard when he was clearly in pain. “Too soon.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian sat beside him and Mark was about to suggest he take Teddy off somewhere again so Seb could sleep, but as the baby bit down on his gum ring he sniffled to a quieter level. Mark shifted to sit propped holding him in bed, Seb going back to his place beside them.

“Feels close to the surface now,” related Mark.

“The tooth?”

“Yeah.” Mark puffed a breath and looked down to Teddy. “Not fun is it mate?”

“I wish there was more we could do.”

“Yeah.”

Even in the low-light Sebastian could see how tired Mark looked.

“Should I take him for a bit?” he offered.

Mark shook his head.

“You need to rest.”

“I’m okay.”

“No sweetheart. Race tomorrow. You should be asleep.”

 

Sebastian opened his mouth to protest, then closed it. He stroked his hand over Teddy’s bare arm and rested it over his soft, short little summer night babygro, then looked at the way the baby was clinging on to a fold of Mark’s t-shirt. A guilty part of him was trying not to be jealous of the way Teddy pressed into Mark, how he sought comfort there and not with him.

“Gone quiet at least,” observed Mark.

“Maybe he just wanted a cuddle?”

“Yeah.”

Mark kissed the top of Teddy’s head. This wasn’t doing a lot for their aim of just putting the baby down to drop off to sleep alone nowadays, but giving in and holding him until he slept seemed the only way at the moment. He could hardly leave Teddy to cry here anyway. Mark turned to Seb.

“Sweetheart please try to sleep. He’s okay now.”

Seb paused to see if Teddy really did look as though he might fall asleep, then nodded before shuffling down to rest his head on the pillow as Mark stayed propped up. Mark waited until he thought Seb was asleep then addressed their son.

“Just need it to come through don’t we kiddo?”

He placed his hand by Teddy’s round cheek to feel where it was warmest. Nothing to be done but wait. Five more minutes and he’d put him down and hope Teddy granted him a decent bit of sleep before dawn arrived.

 

 

Unfortunately it was nowhere near daybreak when they were woken once more. They had been asleep for only two hours when the baby opened his eyes, crinkled his brow unhappily, then opened up his lungs. Before Mark could even get sat up Teddy was screaming the place down and the only thing that lifting him up seemed to achieve was to bring that noise closer to his ear. Mark stood jigging him for a moment before sitting down and reaching for the gum gel to rub in, which was easier said than done in the circumstances.

“C’mon mate I’m trying to help,” appealed Mark.

Teddy opened his mouth wider to cry so Mark dove in, rubbing in the teething gel as best he could. This time he gave in and tried giving him Calpol too in the hope that by soothing his discomfort Teddy might sleep and thus allow them to as well.

“Poor thing,” sympathised Sebastian who had got up as well.

“Mm.”

“It’s not his fault.”

Mark sighed. He knew that well enough. He looked to Seb who now stood offering yet another new chilled chew ring.

“Yeah, sweetheart please go back to bed.”

“I’m trying to help.”

“I know you are darling but in about twelve hours time you have to be in a race so just...” Mark sighed and jigged Teddy again. “Shh, shh Teddy. Here, Papa got this for you, bite on this.”

 

Seeing as that seemed to make no difference Mark stood, looking for where he had left his trainers.

“Where are you going?” asked Seb.

“Just downstairs.”

Sebastian was still stood out of bed and Mark shook his head.

“Darling please. I need you to sleep.”

“Do you think he’s in a lot of pain?”

“Seb. Ahh, _Teddy_.”

The baby had thrown the chewable gum ring onto the floor and now howled all the louder. Mark huffed out a frustrated breath as Sebastian picked it up.

“It’s not hygienic now,” he pointed out.

“I’m getting a new one.”

“Right.”

Mark waited while he did, then passed the new one to Teddy.

“Don’t chuck this one please,” he instructed the baby, as if that made any difference.

Accepting it back to put in his mouth by his pained gum, Teddy muffled his crying a fraction and Mark sighed.

“I hope our neighbours have ear-plugs.” He looked at Seb. “Actually you should...”

“No.”

 

They looked at one another, the tension ratcheted up by tiredness and Teddy’s screaming.

“I just want to help.”

“Seb I know that, but you can’t, so please go to bed and I will take him off to cry it out.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have come?”

Mark huffed.

“I’m trying my best.”

“No Liebling I didn’t mean that.”

“He doesn’t have a mute switch.”

“ _Mark_.”

 

Sebastian stepped in and put his hand on Mark’s arm, trying to ignore the evidence of Teddy’s lack of volume button as he bawled. Mark wanted to roll his eyes at the way Seb looked at him now through his lashes and pouting. He hadn’t the energy to appease two of them right now.

“Seb just go to bed. It’ll be easier if we’re not here.”

Sebastian only pouted more at that.

“I want you here.”

“Well you need sleep more.”

“More than you?”

“Yes of course more than me. I’m not the one needing to make a good start from third on the grid tomorrow am I? Maybe you’re right. Maybe we shouldn't have come this weekend.”

 

Seb’s face went tight at that. Hearing Mark sounding so snappy stung already frayed nerves.

“I didn’t mean for me. I meant for you, for Teddy to be home. I didn’t mean I don’t want you here.”

“Seb,” sighed Mark.

“I always want you here. I only meant for you, if it was easier.”

Even above the sound of Teddy’s continued crying Mark could hear the tone of Seb’s voice rising and knew he was on the verge of joining their son in tears. He let out a slow breath, trying to calm himself so he could calm Seb, knowing that things were getting dangerously fraught.

“Sweetheart I know.”

He hitched Teddy into one arm to spare the other to put around Seb, then sighed as Seb failed to stop a few tears leaking out which he hurriedly brushed away.

“I didn’t mean I don’t want you here,” repeated Sebastian quietly. “I always want you with me.”

If he hadn’t been leaning into Mark’s left side Seb’s hurt little voice would have been drowned out and Mark felt pulled apart. He took in a calming breath and squeezed Seb in, then got him to sit on the bed with him.

 

“I know you want us here darling. I know that. And I know you want to help. But right now I need to take Teddy for a walk to calm him down before he wakes the entire hotel and I need you to go to sleep so you’re in a fit state to race tomorrow. If you want to help, then that’s how you help. Okay?”

Seb nodded, though Mark could tell he was still upset.

“I’m sorry I snapped. I’m not angry with you. I’m tired. Alright darling? We’re all tired.”

“Okay,” agreed Seb, still quiet.

Mark turned his head to kiss Seb’s cheek.

“Twenty-four hours from now you can sit up all night with him if you like.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I will.”

“Alright then. That’s a deal. My turn tonight, yours tomorrow.”

Seb nodded again.

“I’m sorry I made you feel bad Liebling. You do so much. It isn’t fair.”

“It’s alright.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.” Mark looked to Teddy. “And you mate, even if you are deafening.”

“Maybe you should have the ear-plugs?” suggested Seb.

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Yeah.” He took in a deep breath and looked to be sure Sebastian seemed okay before standing. “Right I don’t know how long I’ll be. You take him a sec while I grab a few bits.”

 

Mark passed Teddy over and put some essentials into the half full baby bag, then shouldered it and took the baby back. Sebastian stood with them, then spoke before Mark could.

“Thank you. I’ll sleep I promise.”

Mark nodded, then he hitched the bag up on one side, the baby on the other and collected up the key before making his exit.

 

 

As he walked along the dimmed hotel corridor Mark tried hushing Teddy, knowing that they were passing team members who needed sleep as much as Sebastian did. He reached the lift and hit the button, glad when he stepped inside and the doors closed that the noise would be shut off and with any luck everyone could get back to sleep. Everyone except him of course. Mark caught a glimpse of himself in the polished metal panel to the side and even in the blurred reflection he could see bags under his eyes and several days’ stubble.

“Maybe you’re crying cos Daddy looks so crummy?” he sighed.

Teddy lifted his head to look at him for a moment, then resumed crying into his shoulder. Soon the lift doors pinged open so Mark stepped out into the lobby, crossing over to the twenty-four hour reception desk where the man on duty looked about as thrilled as he was to be up at this time.

“Me again mate,” greeted Mark. “Any chance you could open up the lounge and I’ll take him in there so you’re not deafened?”

“Of course sir,” agreed the receptionist in smooth but accented English. “I will get the key.”

 

Moments later he was opening up the glass panelled door on the other side of the lobby and switching on some lights as Mark looked for a comfortable sofa to set up camp on.

“You wish for a blanket or a drink?”

“No mate I’m good. I might ask for some hot water to warm a bottle in a bit.”

“I shall be on the desk.”

“Thanks.”

The man nodded, resolving to stop in after a while to check on him, then left them to it, shutting the door behind him to cut off the noise of crying baby. Mark set Teddy on his knee and looked at him.

“Right mate, just calm it down and I’ll give you a bottle, then if you could please, _please_ go to sleep then I might not look like a complete zombie tomorrow.”

In response Teddy scrunched up his face and howled louder, so Mark sighed and stood back up, walking up and down the deserted room, jigging him in the vain hope that it would tire Teddy out and not him. As he traipsed back and forth Mark began to wonder if he could actually do this in his sleep, eyes closed with his feet moving independently of any active thought. He didn’t even know if the movement did any good seeing as Teddy cried either way. Coming back to where he had left the bag Mark banged his shin into the coffee table and had to clamp his mouth shut to prevent himself swearing. He sat down with a huff and set Teddy into his chest, holding him with one arm so he could rub his bruised leg.

 

 _Bloody hell_ , Mark swore in his head. If he’d needed waking up that had done the trick. Christ that hurt. Mark had crashed cars into walls and a damn coffee table hurt more.

“Oof, stupid thing,” he complained, then shifted Teddy to hold him so he could see him. “Not you. Ah c’mon mate, you’re just making it worse at this point. You’ll feel better with sleep.”

He tried rocking him as he had when he was smaller, but Teddy reached up his arms so Mark lifted him back into his chest, placing his cheek near Teddy’s as he rested his head on his shoulder.

“Please sleep darling. Daddy’s tired. I’m so tired.”

Mark closed his eyes, but it did nothing to block out the noise so he lifted Teddy away a little to look at him.

“You have to be tired too. Why won’t you sleep?”

Digging out another gum ring he’d wrapped in a tissue to keep clean in the bag, Mark put it in Teddy’s hand then lifted it to pop in his mouth. Teddy closed his mouth on it and for a brief moment there was heavenly silence, then the baby moved his hand and dropped it onto the floor before looking where it had gone as if he had nothing to do with that occurrence and opening his mouth to howl. As Mark managed to scoop it up Teddy reached for it but Mark shook his head and put it on the table.

“No. Dirty now.”

Teddy screamed and wriggled to reach for it again, but Mark sat further away.

“You threw it mate, not me.”

 

Teddy scowled, then cried some more, still trying to turn so he could have the ring back, so Mark took a calming breath and looked for another in the bag sat on the sofa beside him. It wasn’t fresh from the fridge as the other had been, but it was clean, so he put it in Teddy’s hand and placed it in his mouth. The baby accepted it for a moment, then twigged that it wasn’t cold as he needed and flung it so hard it went several feet across the room.

“Oh for the love of god,” sighed Mark.

He set his jaw to try not to react as Teddy resumed screaming.

“I haven’t got another.” Mark eyeballed his son, wondering if this was a battle of wills that he was failing at. “No. No more mate. You need to be quiet and go to sleep.”

Teddy angrily wriggled about, but Mark kept firm hold of him.

“No. Calm down. Be still and I’ll give you some more Bonjela.”

Teddy refused to do as Mark requested and his patience snapped.

“Teddy stop it. I’m trying to help, just... Teddy be _quiet!”_

 

The baby suddenly froze at the raised voice, his big blue eyes suddenly going even wider as he looked to his father, shocked at the unexpected tone. He pouted, his little chest going quickly up and down before that round face crumpled and he started crying again.

Mark sagged, closing his eyes as he tried not to cry himself. He’d just shouted at his infant son who couldn't help his suffering and couldn't explain what hurt in any way other than by crying. He was the worst father in the entire world.

 

He rubbed some escaping dampness away from his eyes, then pulled Teddy closer.

“I’m sorry darling. Bad Daddy. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry sweetheart.”

Mark kissed Teddy’s cheek, then found a tissue to dry his face.

“Daddy’s just tired mate. I didn’t mean to shout. I know it’s not your fault.”

Their eyes locked and for a moment Mark was sure that they really were communicating, though he had no idea how much Teddy at almost seven months could really understand.

“I know it hurts sweetheart. If there was anything extra I could do, I’d do it.”

Mark made sure he used his calmest, most soothing voice to reassure his son, still feeling terrible that he could have raised his voice to him.

“Let’s try some more gel, okay?”

Teddy lay a little stiller now as Mark managed to rub some more numbing gel on Teddy’s gum, sure he could almost feel the tooth through now where it was hotly pressing at the surface.

“It’ll feel better soon,” he reassured, hoping against hope that another tooth wouldn’t follow too quickly, for both their sakes.

 

He tried humming to him as he held the baby in, promising him softly that he would feel better soon and hoping it was true. As he smoothed over Teddy’s back Mark let out a long sigh.

“Excuse me sir.”

Mark blinked and turned his head to see the receptionist stood to the side.

“Oh, hey, sorry for the noise.”

“It is no problem sir. I came to see if I could warm the bottle as you asked.”

“Oh right, um, yeah okay, worth a go,” agreed Mark, sitting up a little to find it in the bag.

“If you allow me sir.”

Mark let the man take the bag so he could find it for himself.

“I place in hot water, yes?”

“Yes mate, just bring a jug or something, that’d be great.”

“Very good.”

“Oh actually, can you do me a favour? There’s a little chewy gum ring somewhere on the floor over there, can you see it? It’s blue.”

The man looked around, then ducked down and stood holding it up in triumph. He came to give it back but Mark nodded at the matching ring on the coffee table coloured green.

“Any chance you could give them a clean?” he requested. “I know I’m asking a lot, but um, it has to be boiled water so it’s okay for him, not still boiling, boiled and cooled a bit like for the bottle, so he can chew on them.”

“Of course sir, a few moments.”

“Thanks a lot I really appreciate it. I’m sorry, he’s teething at the moment.”

“No problem sir.”

Mark nodded as the man walked away carrying his baby items to deal with. As the door shut behind him he looked to Teddy.

“ _Sir._ Don’t think I ever thought to get called that so often. Maybe he’s glad of something to do?”

Teddy sniffled and leaned into him so Mark gave up talking.

 

A few minutes later the man reappeared, bearing a tray that he set down before them. The bottle was warming in a jug and beside it sat something bundled into white dining napkins. The man folded them back to reveal the gum rings sandwiched between wrapped ice-packs.

“To cool,” he explained, “for the baby, yes?”

“Oh, wow, that’s ingenious mate, thank you.”

“The napkins are clean I assure you sir.”

“Of course, no that’s great, cheers.”

“If you require anything else? A coffee perhaps?”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Don’t need anything to keep me up mate, but thank you.”

“Very good sir.”

 

Mark shook his head as the man left them, resolving to make sure they left him a decent tip. He left the bottle to warm a little longer and picked up one of the cooled gum rings instead. As he put it in Teddy’s mouth Mark looked at him.

“Now, no lobbing it across the room this time sunshine, alright?”

Teddy just gummed at it so Mark sat back and let him for a while before testing the bottle and offering that instead, hoping a full tummy would help.

 

 

A hand was on his shoulder and Mark took in a shocked breath, jerking his head up from where it had sunk, his chin into the top of his chest.

“Sir?”

“Oh my god.”

Mark eyes shot open to check that Teddy was still safely held in his arms, now lying fast asleep. He took in a deep breath and sat up a little from leaning back into the deep sofa cushions, wondering how he could have dropped off and thanking god that he hadn’t actually dropped Teddy.

“Oh god I fell asleep.”

“Not for long I think sir,” reassured the hotel worker, “I came to check if you need anything? Perhaps a blanket?”

“Oh, no thank you. I need to put him down.”

The man frowned, not following the colloquialism.

“You need me to hold him?”

“No. Sorry mate, I mean we need to go to bed.”

“Ah yes, perhaps it is best.”

Before Mark could, the man began packing his things into the baby bag, carefully folding the gum rings up with the ice-packs and napkins.

“Oh um, they’re yours,” noted Mark.

“The hotel’s sir. When you are done with them they may be found in your room.”

“Right. Okay thanks.”

 

Mark took in the deepest of breaths to filter oxygen to his brain, then stood, taking every possible care not to disturb Teddy lying sleeping in his arms. The man put the bag onto his shoulder for him, then led Mark out, holding the door open.

“Thanks mate, really.”

The receptionist merely shook his head and went to press the call button on the lift across the lobby.

“I have no other guests to care for at this time sir. You are very welcome.”

Mark smiled, wondering how much of the crying had filtered through those glass doors.

“Much appreciated.”

With a nod, the man left him. As Mark stepped into the lift to go back up to their floor he resolved to make certain the tip with thanks really did make it to him. This might be a five star hotel, but he was pretty sure a squalling baby wasn’t the favourite of all their guests.

 

Mark tiptoed back into their room, not wanting to wake either Seb or Teddy. He successfully put the baby down to sleep then lowered himself slowly down onto his own bed, pushing off his trainers with his toes and only then looking at the time. 3:57am. Oh lord. His head felt packed with cotton-wool. Outside he could still hear the incessant rain drumming on the pavements below and Mark swore he could hear the echoes of Teddy’s screams rolling around inside his brain. As he looked at Teddy now peacefully sleeping he prayed harder than ever that he would stay asleep for the next couple of hours.

“Please,” Mark whispered, not knowing if he was addressing his son or sending that call upwards.

Knowing he ought to make the most of the respite, Mark carefully climbed into bed, pulling the cover over as he laid his head down on what currently felt like the softest pillow in the world. For a moment he looked over at Sebastian lying opposite him, fast asleep, but he didn’t stir so Mark closed his own eyes and rapidly fell into an exhausted sleep himself.

 

 

* * *

 


	231. Weathered Storms - pt 2

* * *

 

 

The next morning at the track they arrived early as ever to avoid any attention, Teddy strapped into his pushchair with the raincover attached to protect him as it was still wet, though the rain wasn’t quite so heavy as the night before and the air was distinctly fresher as if cleaned by the storm.

Sebastian’s time was packed as it always was on race days, Britta pulling him from pillar to post fulfilling his duties to the team and making sure he was prepared for the race. In the few gaps he got in-between Seb hurried back to find Mark mostly holed up in his room. Seb worried about how quiet Mark was and though he kept apologising for how Mark had been the one to get no sleep, he didn’t seem to want to hear it.

“I am sorry Liebling,” Sebastian repeated.

Mark sighed.

“Seb we’ve talked about this. It’s fine.”

“You look so tired though.”

“Thanks.”

Seb bit his lip and looked down at the sharp response and Mark wondered how he managed to feel like such a heel when he was the one who ought to have the right to be touchy after losing so much sleep lately. He hated upsetting Seb more than he cared about being right though so Mark stood from where he sat on the bed and rubbed his arm.

“It’s alright. I know I look like hell.”

“I didn’t mean...”

“I know.” Mark looked at his watch. “Is this your lunch break?”

“Yeah but I can just grab something.”

“No no, let’s go down, change of scene’d be good. Looks brighter out there now it’s stopped raining.”

“Mm, drying up.”

 

Sebastian looked down at Teddy lying in his pram bassinet.

“Did he have a nap?”

“Yeah.”

Mark ducked down to lift Teddy out.

“He’s quiet now,” noted Seb.

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“I know. The little… so and so. Aren’t you? Picking your moments kiddo.”

Teddy pouted at him as Mark shook his head while he stood up with him.

“Can you grab his bag?” he requested.

Sebastian picked it up, then looked at how tired Mark’s arms seemed even just holding the baby.

“I can take him,” Seb offered.

“Um. Okay.”

Mark passed Teddy over, but the moment he did Teddy started turning back towards him making unhappy noises that threatened to descend into crying. Mark sighed and reached to take him back again.

“Nope, guess not.”

Sebastian watched as their son’s little arms reached around Mark as he snuggled in. Mark looked up and saw the expression on his face.

“Sweetheart he’s just being grumpy.”

Seb nodded, but it hurt nonetheless.

 

They went downstairs and found a small table to sit at while they waited for their food. Outside it had stopped raining, but it was still busy for the race in there. All around them the RedBull hospitality area bustled with activity but the three of them remained quiet. Mark tried drinking a coffee, then decided it was only going to give him a headache and abandoned it in favour of bottled water and paracetamol dug out from the bottom of his bag.

“Are you not feeling well?” enquired Seb.

“Just my head.”

“Will you be alright?”

“Sure. I think I’ll watch stuff from your room though.”

“Do you want to go now?”

Mark shook his head. He spent enough time in that small room and sometimes it felt as though the walls were closing in.

“Can I do anything?” asked Seb.

“I’m fine.”

“If you’re fine why are you taking aspirin?”

“It’s paracetamol.”

“That’s the same thing.”

“Not exactly.”

 

Sebastian looked down to his plate of half-eaten food and Mark felt bad again about how snarky he was being. He reached over to put his hand on Seb’s.

“I’m sorry sweetheart. I’ve just got a bit of a head. I’ll be alright.”

Seb looked to him.

“I wish I could do more.”

“You can’t do much to fix a headache.”

“I meant generally.”

Seb looked at Teddy settled into Mark’s lap, Mark eating around him as naturally as he might when he had been doing this for so long now.

“He does know I love him doesn’t he?”

“What? _Seb_...”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder, but Mark could see that look in his eye.

“Darling he’s just in a grump today.”

“He wants you though.”

“He’s just more used to me at race weekends.”

“Not all the time?”

“Sweetheart come on. This isn’t the same as home. He knows that.”

“He knows I’m working?”

“Well, yeah, I think so.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Do you think he only associates me being there properly at home?”

“Darling don’t over-analyse things.”

“When he cries he reaches for you.”

“Here maybe. That’s not true all the time.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No.”

Seb took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Am I being over-sensitive?”

“I think you’re fretting when you should be gearing up for the race.”

“I’m fine for the race. I’m not worried about that.”

“But you’re worried about this?”

“Yes.”

 

They looked at one another, Mark thinking he was again reassuring Seb when he was the one who felt like crawling on the floor with exhaustion.

“You don’t need to worry,” he tried. “Look, you’ve got nearly month at home after this. We’ll get home tonight and you can feel free to do all the night-shifts you like while I kip through.”

“Mark.”

“No I don’t mean...” Mark sighed, knowing that had come out more aggressively than he had intended. “I meant… I just meant you can do whatever you feel you need to so you don’t feel so guilty about all this.”

“I want to do it.”

“That’s my point.”

“Right.”

“You don’t need to over-compensate to make him love you.”

Sebastian took in a sharp breath and Mark cursed himself for phrasing that so bluntly.

“Sweetheart.”

“I’m not really hungry. I think I might go get changed now.”

“Seb.”

“I need to have all the proper kit on for the track parade. You don’t need to come.”

 

Sebastian got up and walked away and Mark was left letting out a frustrated sigh. He’d tried to make Seb feel better and only upset him more. Brilliant. Mark looked down at Teddy.

“I’m an idiot. Your daddy is an idiot.”

 

He took in a deep breath then decided sitting here on his own was worse and grabbed up Teddy’s bag to find Seb in his room, predictably not changing at all, but sat on the bed staring at the floor, his face tight in that way Seb always got when he was fighting the battle not to cry.

“Sweetheart I’m sorry, that all came out wrong,” apologised Mark as he dumped down the bag and shut the door so he could come over, sitting Teddy back on his knee.

Sebastian shook his head, only partially lifting it to look.

“I’ve no right to complain when you do everything.”

“I don’t do everything,” argued Mark.

“You were up all night last night.”

“Not _all_ night.”

“Most of the night and it’s always you having to do that.”

“Only at races.”

“And before races.”

“Well… that’s the deal sweetheart, it’s what we agreed.”

“I know.”

“Teddy loves you darling. He knows you’re his papa.”

 

Sebastian pouted tightly, and Mark could see he was right on the verge, so he looked Teddy in the eye, trying to tell him he really needed him to behave right now. Then he passed him over. Seb put his arms around their son who merely looked at both his parents.

“I’m sorry,” Seb apologised once more. “I know I’m being so needy and it really isn’t fair on you Liebling.”

“I’m not complaining.”

Seb managed a half smile at him.

“Kinda my point.”

Mark fitted his arm around Seb.

“You’ve had interrupted sleep too sweetheart and you’ve actually got to work rather than lazing about in here all day like the two of us.”

“Is he tired do you think? He’s so quiet now.”

“I guess so. Plus I gave him some more Calpol about an hour ago.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. Cop-out I know.”

“No Liebling, if he’s hurting he should have it.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian kissed the top of Teddy’s head, then passed him back to Mark.

“I really do need to get ready,” he explained.

“Sure.”

 

A couple of minutes later Britta was at the door to sweep Seb away and Mark was alone again. He switched the TV on, but nothing had started yet so he scooped Teddy up and grabbed a bottle from the bag to go have it warmed, then came back up and settled down to feed him. The coverage was only just starting on TV, but there was nothing really to see yet other than the presenting team chatting about how quickly things were drying up now the sun had come out.

Mark puffed a breath as he looked at Teddy, then his watch. He could do with a voice of good sense to level him out. How late would it be there? Mark shifted up on the bed and settled Teddy into him before finding a way to pull his phone from his pocket to press dial, putting it on speaker so he could hold the bottle properly to feed Teddy. It rang for a few moments, but Mark knew to let it ring.

“Hey Mark.”

“Hey.”

“Uh oh,” replied his sister sounding less perky than she had in her initial greeting. “Okay, what is it?”

Mark gave his son a wry smile. Leanne always knew.

 

 

Half an hour later Sebastian returned to his room to find Mark in much the same position as before, but as soon as he walked in Mark beckoned him over and arranged Teddy so he could put his arm around Seb once more.

“Okay two things. Actually, no, three: First off thanks for the wave, Teddy and I waved back didn’t we kiddo?”

Seb smiled, he knew it was dumb, but that was what he thought about when he waved to the camera.

“Thank you.”

“And two, apologies but I was multi-tasking.”

“You’re always multi-tasking,” noted Seb.

“Mm, true, but on this particular occasion I was doing more than watch you and look after this young man, so sorry if I missed any especially exciting insights from the parade.”

“The crowd is great and now the sun’s out it’s looking like a lovely day.”

“Ah, scintillating exchange for the interview was it?”

“I’m hopeful of a good start and a positive result today.”

“Excellent, quite the scoop for them there. Well, that aside I got a little distracted by calling my sister while I watched.”

“Oh right. Is she okay?”

Mark let out a dry huff of a laugh.

“Yeah it was me calling her.”

“Oh of course.”

“She’s fine. Says good luck.”

“Did you have a nice chat?”

“Yeah, she gave me some more baby-wrangling tips, but mostly she asked me to remind you of something I think you already know.”

“Huh?”

“That when I’m tired I’m a grumpy git and the worst thing you can do is leave me alone indoors.”

“Oh. Oh Liebling I’m sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“No it’s okay. She was mostly reminding _me_ of that fact. So my point, and I think hers, was just to count all this as a write-off and when we go home tonight we get a clean slate, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

“We’ll catch up on sleep and get outside some and if this little one is still raising hell we’ll take Pauline up on her offers and leave him to scream at her for a bit while we clear our heads and restore some sanity. Deal?”

“Deal,” nodded Seb.

“Alright then.”

“You sound better Liebling. Leanne always helps doesn’t she?”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah sweetheart she does.”

He chose not to mention that it was partly because when he spoke to his sister Mark could let everything out without worrying that he might upset her. Leanne also gave it back to him straight without worrying that she would upset him. Perhaps it ought the be more like that with Seb, but right now there were too many other concerns intruding for them to relax enough for that to be possible. Maybe over the summer they could have some proper heart-to-hearts when they weren’t so stressed?

 

“We will be alright won’t we Liebling?”

Mark gave Seb a little squeeze.

“Course we will darling. We just need the break.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I can’t wait.”

“Me either.”

“What was the third thing?”

“Hm?”

“You said there were three things,” reminded Seb.

“Oh, ha, yeah check it out.”

 

Mark gently moved Teddy’s mouth to hold it open so Seb could see a brand new tiny white tooth that had poked through sitting next to the first there at the front.

“Oh wow.”

“Yep. I went to put some Bonjela on for him after his bottle and nearly lost my finger in the process thanks to Jaws here.”

Sebastian chuckled and Mark laughed as well, feeling far lighter now.

“Poor little guy,” Mark sympathised as he gave Teddy on his lap a smile. “Explains why he’s quiet now. Think that’s your energy used up for the weekend isn’t it buddy?”

 

Teddy pressed into him and Sebastian gave his cheek a gentle stroke. He couldn't let himself feel jealous of their son seeking comfort with Mark when he was the one who gave it to him through the night when he needed it most. It was only natural. To make Mark feel bad about it was selfish and wrong. He had to be a grown-up about all this and accept that in life you rarely got to have it all. Mark slogged through the night, he had earned those cuddles as his reward.

“I’m very grateful for all you do Liebling.”

Mark frowned a little.

“You don’t need to be grateful sweetheart. This was my choice. It’s not easy at three am when he’s screaming the joint down, but it’s still my call.”

“I guess.”

“And anyway, if anyone is going to be grateful it should be me. If it wasn’t for you we wouldn't have Teddy in the first place.”

“Yes we would.”

“No darling. It was your idea and when I look back and think how much time it took me to realise I wanted the same, I just…” Mark sighed and shook his head as he looked at their son. “To even imagine our life without him…”

“I don’t even want to think about it,” agreed Seb.

“Exactly. So, rough with the smooth, right sweetheart?”

 

Sebastian nodded, then fitted his arms to envelop both Mark and Teddy.

“I think we just need the break don’t we?”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark. “We all need it. I need some kip, you need some time with Teddy, and Teddy, well, he’s got all kinds of exciting treats lined up once we’ve got some steam back.”

And they both hoped Teddy might also get a little break from teething, but there was no predicting that and they wanted to stay positive, so it was left unsaid.

 

“Yeah okay,” nodded Seb. “I think, just, too much at the moment and maybe I am a little bit tired too, but really Liebling, nothing compared to you.”

“I’ll be alright sweetheart. I’ll have a lie down to watch the race. Speaking of which, are you gonna be set for it? You’re not too tired?”

“No I’m fine. I’m not worried about the race. Now it’s dried up we just go back to the original plan, so it’s much more straight-forward. Actually,” Seb paused, “I dunno, maybe it’s everything else going on, but I don’t even feel the nerves building up so much as they usually do.”

Mark nodded slowly.

“Okay.”

“That’s not bad is it?” checked Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Why would it be bad?”

“Well, you usually say nerves are good.”

“They can be, but being more relaxed about a race is no bad thing. I’m sure the adrenalin will kick in just the same once you’re in the car.”

“I guess.”

“And things have been going pretty well all weekend,” noted Mark, “so there’s no reason to worry about that. It’s good if you’re feeling confident.”

“It does feel good here. I know it’s different to Monaco, but the feel of the car through the turns is kindof similar.”

“Well that’s encouraging.”

“And I know I could have got more in quali if I’d just made that last corner on the right line. I messed it up really.”

“Forget that. Third’s a good starting spot.”

“Mm, just so hard to overtake here.”

“Well…” Mark shrugged. “You’ll do what you can.”

“Team’s been seeing what they can do with strategy instead.”

“Course. Okay then, well, all to play for.”

 

Sebastian nodded, then gave Mark a smile.

“I do feel better now. I’m sorry I was getting so stressed earlier.”

“We both were. Honestly sweetheart last night I got so stressed I nearly shouted at him, so I’m nowhere near perfect.”

Seb looked at him and Mark felt guilty again.

“I mean not _shouted_ shouted,” he justified, “just, I guess I raised my voice a bit when he kept chucking the damn gum rings on the floor. I think I was at the end of my tether, but I still feel pretty rotten about it.”

Sebastian stroked over his arm.

“Poor Liebling. As soon as this is over you won’t be doing it all on your own any more. I’ll help all I can.”

“I know you will. Right,” Mark gave him a kiss on the cheek, then sat away. “Don’t you need to get ready for the little matter of a race coming up?”

“Yep, guess I do.”

 

 

While Seb changed into his race-gear, Mark tried offering Teddy some of his toys to entertain him, but he really was quiet now, making barely any of the little gurgles or noises he usually made, so Mark presumed Teddy was as tired as he was. He glanced over to Seb, giving him an occasional smile thinking that it would be typical if they got into the break only for the weather to turn atrocious and put the kibosh on all their plans. They’d just have to improvise if so, dig out the pool toys from last summer to entertain Teddy and play inside. At least they’d be home with nothing much else on their minds except enjoying themselves.

 

Once he was ready, Sebastian came and sat back with them.

“All set?” checked Mark.

“Yep.” Seb stroked over Teddy’s wispy blonde hair. “Think he’ll have a nap?”

“Probably. We’ll just watch you on the grid, then I’ll see if he’ll go down.”

“I’ll give you a wave.”

Mark smiled.

“Great. We’ll wave back.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“For luck.”

“You don’t need any luck sweetheart. I think you’ve got this all set.”

“Thanks.” Seb took in a deep breath, then leaned in to give each of them a kiss. “Have a nice rest and I promise we’ll get away as quickly as we can this evening.”

“Don’t worry about that. We’ll be fine here won’t we kiddo?”

 

Mark turned Teddy to properly look at both of them.

“Say bye-bye to Papa darling,” he prompted, only really expecting Teddy to wave his arm about.

“Ba-ba-bah.”

Both parent’s eyes suddenly widened.

“Oh Liebling!”

“Ha, wow, good effort sweetheart. _Bye-bye Papa_.”

“Baba babah.”

 

Mark chuckled, sure that Teddy was echoing the shape of his mouth as it moved and burbling essentially just the same as he often did these days, but it really did sound remarkably similar. He looked to Seb, then smiled at how delighted he appeared.

“Well there we go darling, can’t say fairer than that.”

“That’s amazing,” beamed Seb. “He really did nearly say Papa didn’t he?”

“Pretty close,” agreed Mark, though he knew you could just as easily interpret ‘baba’ as Dada. He wasn’t about to say so when Seb seemed to chuffed to hear what he wanted to. “Clever boy Teddy.”

Seb was still beaming at his son, quite convinced that little Teddy had really tried to say ‘bye-bye Papa’ just then.

“Ach, I’ve really got to go,” sighed Sebastian, wishing he could stay to try more of this.

 

He leaned in to give the baby a kiss and smiled at him.

“Thank you Teddybär.”

“Good luck darling.”

“Thanks.”

With a last kiss for Mark and a hurried hug, Seb was up, walking from the room to go and meet Britta with a spring in his step that had been missing all weekend long.

 

  


Once the door was shut Mark hitched Teddy in so he could move to sit with his feet up on the bed, leaning back propped on the pillows with Teddy resting into him. In the background the pre-coverage played on the TV, but Mark paid his attention instead to Teddy, giving his round cheek a chub.

“Think you cheered Papa up no end there mate, good work.”

“Babababa.”

Mark chuckled and shook his head, wondering where that had come from.

“Are you starting to feel better now lovely? Is that it? Hmm?”

Mark lifted Teddy up a little then lowered him in so he could kiss his nose.

“Good boy. I’m so sorry I got cross with you last night sweetheart. Daddy didn’t mean it. I was just tired.”

“Bah.”

“Yeah mate, bah indeed. Bad Daddy. Pretty tired though sweetheart, so if we could have a nice peaceful time now that’d suit me just fine.”

 

Once they’d seen Seb wave from the grid and both waved back, Mark judged that Teddy looked more tired again, so he shifted down a bit, then lay the baby onto his chest over to the right side nearest the wall that ran alongside the bed so there was no way he could wriggle about and fall. Teddy squashed the side of his chubby cheek into him and angled his head to look up at his father.

“I’m right here matey,” reassured Mark. “We’ll just have a rest for a bit, then see if you want a proper nap when Papa’s got going safely.”

He gave the baby a kiss on the forehead and Teddy let out a quieter burble in response before settling back in against him, looking out sideways across the room. Teddy rested hanging onto his father, his right hand folding around a pinch of t-shirt, the left arm slipping to Mark’s side in the gap left where Mark had both arms wrapped around his son to keep him in place.

 

As the grid cleared and the cars all set off on their formation laps to come back around ready for the start, Mark made sure his breathing was slow and steady to reassure his son and to remind himself to keep calm too. Seb was in a good place, sensible experienced drivers around him.

“Papa’s got this,” assured Mark, more to himself than Teddy.

He watched as Seb lined up in his grid-spot, noting how his car was at a slight angle pointing inwards. Mark instantly knew what he was planning. Here in Hungary where overtaking was notoriously difficult, the start was one of the best opportunities to grab places. Two Mercedes at the front. Seb was aiming to get between them. All eyes were on the five lights about to flicker into life. Mark hoped the two sets in front hadn’t sent them to their mirrors to know what was coming their way.

 

All of a sudden the five lights were out and the cars roared off the line. Just as Mark had predicted, Sebastian shot into the gap between Lewis and Valtteri, getting a better start than either of them. Mark gasped, only not sitting up because of Teddy resting into him.

For a moment he really thought Sebastian might actually steal the lead, but Lewis going from pole had the inside racing line for the corner and Seb had to cede the position to him to prevent a crash. Bottas on the outside however had no such advantage and he was forced to slot in behind in Seb’s old third place.

“ _Get in,_ ” praised Mark, looking to be sure Sebastian was safe as the mid-field duked things out behind them.

Time in these tense moments always seemed pass unnaturally, each second feeling like a minute to the watchers, while it went the other way for the drivers who barely had time to think before they might be swamped and passed or run into. Mark only let out a sighed breath as the field shook out into a long line of cars continuing round the second sector. Miraculously it seemed nobody had crashed for once, though many had swapped places. Seb was still safely running in second. That was all Mark really cared about.

 

There was a slight stringing out of the field now as Seb fought to hang on to Lewis’s coat-tails, but then as they got further round the circuit he dropped back a fraction and Mark suspected that a call had come through on the radio to suggest a bigger gap was necessary to keep his tyres fresh and prevent over-heating.

It was a concern for all the teams today given the track temperature approaching now approaching 40°C under a once more hot sun. Soon Mark could see that once it had become apparent that the chance for early overtakes was past, most of the field were stretching further apart. Lewis was nearly 2 seconds ahead of Seb who in turn ran 2.3 seconds in front of Bottas. The commentary was noting much the same, then as they rounded into their second lap a replay of the start began; a sure sign that the director believed that things were settled down for the time-being.

 

This time Mark could watch Sebastian’s ace move to steal a place calmly, already knowing the result and with the added bonus of appreciating that while FOM showed the replay it had to mean there was nothing more exciting to see on track and therefore Seb was safe. When they did cut back to the live action on track it was actually to complain that there wasn’t much exciting action to show.

“Bit of a train developing already it seems,” noted Crofty.

“Way of it here in Budapest,” concurred Martin Brundle. “From speaking to the teams earlier I predict most of the overtaking is likely to occur in the pits today, so we may have to wait for the first stops to see who aims for the undercut and who plays it safe.”

 

Playing it safe was fine by Mark, but he knew Seb had been hinting that RedBull were planning some kind of manoeuvre via their pitstop strategy. At least he was ahead of his team-mate so Seb would have priority.

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” Mark explained to Teddy.

The baby looked up at him, lifting his head for a moment, then thinking better of it and plonking it back down into Mark’s chest. Mark huffed a laugh and rubbed over Teddy’s back.

“That’s alright mate, settle in. We’ll just watch Papa a bit longer then you can go down.”

Mark glanced away from the TV to the bassinet set on the floor thinking it was a good job that Teddy hadn’t learnt to crawl yet or he might be making a bid for freedom from it. Perhaps that was something else they could work on during the break. That and him saying Papa and Dada. Mark smiled to himself, wondering which might come first.

“Can you say Dada darling? Da-da.”

Teddy barely flicked his eyes upwards as he lay sideways into him.

“Bah.”

“Yeah, we’ll work on it. Think you’re tired. Me too mate. Just a bit more of Papa while you settle.”

 

In truth Mark found Teddy lying into him settling for him as well. It did calm his nerves to feel his son there and it helped him concentrate on not letting any of his fears run away with him as Mark made sure he projected none of them to his son. The baby’s body was warm as it snuggled in, but the air-conditioning meant it wasn’t too much, just cosy. All he really could do with was a breath of proper fresh-air. It was a little stuffy in here, but the air outside would only be warmer if he opened the window. Mark glanced out thinking that the race-fans in the grandstands must be baking under the hot sun. Thankfully given the rain overnight it wasn’t quite so extreme as the year before, but there was no way he would be taking Teddy out in it even if they weren’t avoiding the crowds.

Mark let out a long slow breath thinking how Seb had promised not to leave late tonight. It would still be after most of the race-fans and general occupants of the paddock had departed. With any luck the air would have cooled by six-ish when they would hopefully be able to get going. Everything bar what they needed just for today was already loaded into the boot of their hire-car so it wouldn't take long and they’d be off to their plane, a short-ish hop across Europe, then home.

“Home soon.”

Teddy said nothing, he merely snuggled into Mark making him smile. It did feel nice like this; all cuddled up and content at last. He looked to be certain that the baby wasn’t pressed in too tight, but his head was resting to the side facing out with plenty of room to breathe, so Mark relaxed. Feeling his little chest go steadily up and down into his, Mark automatically slowed his own to match, breathing deeply and steadily.

The air was still, broken only by the lulling white noise of the engines droning in the background on TV, the commentators similarly droning on about how this race was turning out to be rather dull.

Mark didn’t care. Dull was fine by him. Dull meant safe. Seb was safe. Safe in second. Second was fine. Seb was fine…

 

As his mind slowed and drifted Mark failed to even realise that he had closed his eyes. He had no idea that his breathing had slowed even further, that his head had slumped to the side into the pillow. Mark had no idea, because he was asleep.

A pair of big blue eyes blinked up at him, then Teddy rubbed his chubby cheek into Mark’s t-shirt to get comfortable lying into his father’s chest before letting out a subdued;

“Ba-bah.”

Then getting no response those blue eyes flickered closed, eye-lashes fluttering as Teddy tried to keep them open, swiftly losing the battle and joining his father in exhausted but peaceful and much overdue deep sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

It was some while later that Seb opened the door to his room, pausing to stand there, a little stunned by the sight that met him. He sighed, then shook his head and came to carefully perch on the edge of the bed on the tiny gap left there. He picked up the remote control for the television and switched it off, then put it on the side and looked down.

Mark was asleep.

They both were. Father and son, both worn out and holding on to one another.

Mark’s face in repose looked more relaxed than Sebastian had seen in days, still overgrown with stubble and showing signs of tiredness though. How much he needed this sleep, Seb thought. Teddy looked so lovely all cuddled into him, his round baby cheek all squished in looking cuter than ever, his mouth half open as he breathed a little noisily, showing just the tips of those shiny white new teeth at the bottom, Teddy moving up and down with his father’s chest as the pair of breathed together.

Seb smiled and though a part of him thought he probably ought to leave them to sleep longer, he couldn't stop himself leaning over Mark to gently kiss him on the lips.

Mark let out a soft little noise that sounded like a happy little _‘mmmph’,_ then his eyes opened and he stared at Seb leaning above him, a slow realisation creeping in before Mark took in a sharper breath.

“Seb?”

“Hey Liebling.”

“Oh my god. I fell asleep.”

Seb huffed a little laugh, placing his hand on Mark’s arm to reassure him that he didn’t need to jerk upwards.

“Teddy,” he reminded him.

Mark angled his head down to look, suddenly panicking at the idea he had fallen asleep whilst holding his son.

 

“I could have dropped him.”

“He’s fine.”

Both of them looked to see Teddy breathing safely, still soundly asleep. Mark managed to very slowly shift himself to sit up a bit, holding tightly onto Teddy who only snuffled in more at the movement.

“I meant to put him down. I can’t believe I did that. I must have been out for ages.”

“Liebling it’s okay.”

“If he’d fallen. I could have let him slip.”

“But you didn’t,” insisted Seb calmly. “You wouldn't. Anyway he’s by the wall, he couldn't fall on the floor.”

“He might have not been able to breathe,” worried Mark.

“Liebling he’s fine. Besides he’s not tiny any more. I’m sure he’d just move a bit if he needed to. Plus I could see how tightly you were holding him safely in place. Even in your sleep Liebling, you keep him safe. You’re a good daddy. You’re his rock, just like you’re mine.”

Sebastian stroked over Mark’s arm, then Teddy’s where he still held onto him.

“You’d never let him come to any harm. Teddy knows that, it’s why he feels so safe with you. Just like me.”

 

Mark had to smile at that. He took nice deep lungful of air to wake himself up. Then looked at Teddy again. He was still asleep because he felt safe in his arms. Seb was right, that was comforting.

“If he’d moved you would have sensed it and woken up,” asserted Seb. “You had your arms all wrapped round him Liebling. You’d never let go. You don’t let go of me in the night.”

Mark let out a little laugh.

“Perfect training,” he joked.

Sebastian nodded and stroked over Teddy’s arm, then Mark’s.

“Unser Fels. Our rock. You don’t let us fall.”

Mark smiled back at him and Seb shook his head.

“No wonder he trusts you so much. He knows you’d never let him come to any harm, just like I do.”

“I guess. Urgh, I didn’t mean to fall asleep though.”

“You were so tired Liebling.”

“I was going to put him down. I suppose I should have done it sooner.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Mark puffed a slow breath out so as not to disturb their son.

“I don’t even know how long I was out. My head’s all fuzzy.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I’m fine. Just waking up still I guess.”

 

Mark gave a little shake of his head, trying to work out how long he must have been asleep. Where had they been up to in the race?

“Oh, god the race!” he suddenly realised. “I’ve not even asked. How did you do? I can’t believe I missed it. I never miss your races. I feel awful.”

“Don’t. It’s fine Liebling. You were worn through.”

“Hmm, well sorry anyway. How did it turn out? Did you hold second?”

“No.”

“Oh, damn. Sorry sweetheart. Ah heck, I really should have been watching. I’m amazed I didn’t wake up from the TV playing.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s not what’s really important.”

“No guess not,” allowed Mark, taking a moment to appreciate the fact that Teddy really was safe and so was Seb seeing as he was sat here with them. His Seb back safe after a race was the only result that mattered in the end.

“Oh well, what happened?” Mark asked, not wanting to put too much weight on it. “Where did you end up?”

 

Sebastian smiled.

“I won.”

 

Mark’s jaw dropped as his eyes popped wide.

“No?”

“Yep.”

“You’re kidding?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Really Liebling I wouldn't lie.”

“No of course not, my god though. You won?”

“Yeah. I really did.”

“Oh my god darling that’s amazing. You won?”

“I won,” confirmed Seb happily, trying not to laugh at how dazed and confused Mark sounded. “We managed to jump Lewis in the pits and somehow held on.”

“That’s brilliant. Oh darling. I missed you winning. Argh. I can’t believe it.”

“I doesn’t matter.”

“It does.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Liebling it doesn’t. Not in the scheme of things. You were so tired. Mein Fels, Mein armer müder abgekämpft Fels.”

Mark managed a smile.

“Still sorry I missed it.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“There’ll be other wins for you to watch.”

 

Mark huffed a little laugh at Seb’s confidence. Some might consider it arrogance to assume that he would undoubtedly win races in future, but Mark knew it was nothing but realism. Seb would win races and plenty of them, of that he was certain.

“Damn right there will be darling.”

Sebastian smiled as Mark gave him a kiss.

“Wasn’t the most exciting race to be honest. The only real overtake I made was at the start.”

“I saw that bit.”

“There we go then. You saw what was probably the best part of the whole thing.”

“I wish I’d seen you cross the line though, and on the podium.”

“Never mind.”

 

Mark managed to sit up a little more, then lifted Teddy to lie into his shoulder, those little arms unconsciously moving to cling on around his neck as the baby slumbered on. Mark kissed Teddy’s forehead then let go with one hand to pull Seb closer so he could kiss him too.

“You know what darling, how extraordinary you are.”

“What do you mean?”

Mark shook his head that Seb couldn't see it.

“You won, and that’s just your side note. You’re not even annoyed I didn’t watch.”

“Liebling. How could I be annoyed? I wouldn't have won if it wasn’t for you.”

“Huh?”

“You were exhausted because you’ve been doing all the work looking after Teddy. Staying up all night, sacrificing your sleep, even taking him away so I couldn’t hear him crying. You took it all on you so I could sleep. So I could race. I won because you made it possible Liebling. You’re amazing. I love you so much.”

Mark looked at him as he absorbed that. It did feel good to be credited and to know how much Seb appreciated what he did.

“Thank you. I love you too darling. I still wish I’d watched.”

“Well.” Seb shrugged. “That just makes you even better Liebling, cos you wish you did and it bothers you.”

“Course it bothers me. I meant to be supporting you.”

“That’s exactly what you did. What you’ve been doing the whole time,” Seb insisted. “My best supporter. The one who makes it possible. How could I want more than that?”

 

Mark could only offer a smile and a little shake of his head, then at last Teddy moved his head, seeking the familiar sound of his parents’ voices. He shifted, turning to look as Mark took better hold with both arms while the baby blinked up at them.

“Hey there sleepy-head. Papa’s back.”

“Hello Schatz,” smiled Sebastian, “did you have a nice sleep here with Daddy?”

Teddy raised a hand, sleepily rubbing at his face making his parents smile again at how lovely he looked when he did funny little things like that. Then he reached out his arms to Seb, making that smile ten times wider. Mark offered him over and Seb took hold of him, kissing his son and cuddling him in.

“Do you know daddy’s my hero Teddybär? Yes he is. I think he’s yours too isn’t he?”

Seb and Mark looked at one another.

“My hero,” repeated Sebastian.

Mark huffed a dry laugh and shook his head.

“You just won a race. “You’re the hero,” he argued.

“No Liebling. You are.”

“For walking hotel corridors late at night?”

“For always putting yourself last because you love us so much.”

Mark had no reply to counter that.

“I love you too,” repeated Seb. “You and Teddy, and I promise I will do everything I can to show it to you.”

“Sweetheart you don’t need to show us anything. We know that.”

 

Mark moved to put his arm around Seb and they sat for a moment. Sebastian smiled at Teddy, gratified to get a smile back and pleased to see how much happier their baby was now than he had been for days. They had weathered another little storm and the perspective leant made it seem all the sweeter just to appreciate the simple things. Their son was smiling at them. Mark had Seb back safe with him. The win was nice, but it really was the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

 

After a minute or so Mark looked at Seb properly, only really taking in now that he was still in his race-suit, tied at the waist with his race underwear top, long sleeves pushed up.

“I suppose you need to take a shower,” he presumed.

“Are you saying I smell?”

Mark chuckled and pressed his nose in at Seb’s neck.

“You smell of racing darling; burnt oil and fuel and sweat.”

“Ha, lovely.”

Mark lifted his head away and flicked his eyebrows up.

“Someone should bottle it. I think it’s pretty alluring.”

“Alluring?”

“Mm.”

The two of them laughed and Teddy looked up as if trying to work out what was so funny. Mark gave Seb a smile.

“Having said that, I’m still pretty knackered darling, so I can’t promise too much celebrating when we get home tonight.”

Seb laughed again, know what Mark meant by ‘celebrating’ his win.

“That can wait Liebling. I’m kind of knackered too now. Pretty warm being in the car for a race this afternoon.”

“You okay?”

“Mm, tougher than it looked though.”

Mark glanced at how damp Seb’s hair was, stuck in messy curls to his forehead.

“I can take him back if you want to grab that shower?” he offered.

“Hm, in a minute. Can we lie down for a bit?”

“You’re not in a rush?”

“I’ve got a while. Can we squeeze on?”

 

Mark looked at the narrow little bed where he and Seb had squeezed on together so many times before. Where there was a will there was a way.

“Sure.”

He shifted to lie back on the bed, helping to take Teddy as Seb stood to remove his race-suit so he could lie down in just his race underwear. Then Sebastian squashed on with him, the pair of them carefully lying pressed in with their son held by both of them where they met, Teddy seeming quite content to lie into his parents who wrapped their arms around him and each other.

There wasn’t enough room, but it didn’t matter. Seb was sweaty and a little too warm even in just his race underwear, but it didn’t matter. Mark was still fairly exhausted, but it didn’t matter, not right now.

Sebastian rested his cheek by Mark’s, enjoying the closeness as he hooked his leg around Mark’s on the pretext of limited room. Mark had his left arm fitted around Seb on the pretext of keeping from falling off the bed.

“Maybe we could celebrate tomorrow night instead?” proposed Seb.

“Motion seconded,” concurred Mark.

Seb smiled and stole a kiss.

“I need a shave,” Mark commented.

Seb huffed a little laugh against him.

“That’s okay. You know Liebling, on the podium I said thank you to the team and those who support me to make this possible and I meant you. You do know that don’t you?”

“Yes sweetheart I know what you mean when you say that. I wish I’d seen it.”

“We recorded it.”

“Back home?”

“Yeah. At least I hope so. The recorder was set.”

“Ah. There we go then. That can be our treat for tomorrow afternoon,” agreed Mark. “We can have a nice lazy cuddle up on the sofa and watch your triumph.”

“It’s not so exciting.”

“You winning is plenty exciting enough for me.”

“I waved too, on the podium.”

“Aw, sweetheart I’m sorry we missed it.”

“No it’s okay.”

“We’ll wave tomorrow.”

Seb laughed again.

“At TV-me?”

“Yep.” Mark gave Teddy a wink. “We always wave to Papa don’t we kiddo?”

Teddy let out a murmured burble of noises far less distinguishable than earlier, bit his parents smiled just as much.

“Well thank you,” replied Sebastian. “I always appreciate it.”

“Even if it’s after the event.”

“Even if it’s after. Doesn’t matter. I know I have your support.”

 

Seb thought about that. How it helped to carry that certainty: Mark loved him and supported him. It made him feel stronger and braver, no matter what the circumstances.

“You know Liebling,” he continued. “You don’t always have to come with me to races. I know you’d like to and I want you to know I always do want you and Teddy with me, but that’s not the most important thing. If it’s better for you or Teddy or for both of you to be home, then I’ll be okay at races on my own.”

“I want to come.”

“I know. That’s what I mean. Just knowing that makes the difference. You want to be with me, but if it’s not the best thing at that time, then it’s okay. I’d miss you, but I won’t feel bad if you’re home because you need to be there and you don’t need to feel bad about it either. I’ll just be all the more glad to get back to you.”

Mark took in a deeper breath and turned his head more to look at Seb for a moment, the two of them communicating without words before he nodded.

“Okay, well we can talk in the break, right?”

“Of course.”

“Maybe work out a bit of a plan, pick some out and then play it by ear after Europe?”

“Yeah I think that sounds better.”

“Still some.”

“Sure, but it doesn’t have to be all and you don’t need to feel bad about that.”

“Okay then. We’ll just see what we think’s best for Teddy,” agreed Mark.

 

Seb nodded. It felt better to have said that. He didn’t need to feel selfish or needy. He could miss his family and wish they were there all the time and still survive when they weren’t, just as he had at the start of the season. He’d get through a couple of lonely races in the autumn, filling them with work and hopefully appreciate the ones where his family could accompany him all the more. He would be stronger for it and he wouldn't need to feel guilty then. That would be better.

“We don’t need to worry about it now,” Mark reassured.

“No, okay.” Sebastian gave Teddy a smile. “No races for a while after this Teddybär. We’ll just all be home together.”

“Fingers crossed we have a nice sleepy-bo-bos tonight,” chimed in Mark.

“Mm, hope so.”

 

Mark let out a sigh. He still felt tired, though not as wrung out as before. If Teddy would just go back to his proper sleep routine when they got home then they’d all be set right after a day or two. He leaned his head in a bit and rubbed his nose against Seb’s.

“You need to go yet?” he checked.

Sebastian managed to look at his watch.

“Not just yet.”

“Good.”

Mark cuddled in a little closer, then stroked over Teddy as he lay into them.

“We want to steal Papa for ourselves for a bit don’t we darling? Hmm?”

“Ahba baba,” burbled Teddy.

“That’s right,” Mark agreed. “Five minutes Papa.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Five minutes Lieblinge,” he assented.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, chapter ending with fluff. I'm not sorry.


	232. Little Miracles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's late, but here's an update anyway.

 

* * *

  


 

The start of the summer break brought many things. Mostly it brought time. Time without the pressure that word usually implied for them. It felt like a good decision not to have a holiday away. This way they weren’t rushing anywhere or counting down days, thinking about flights and time-changes and packing and unpacking. That was their normal life and it felt like a break just to _not_ do that for a while so they could really relax as they needed to.

It also brought rain, which Mark joked they had actually brought on themselves merely by saying the weather might go against them as soon as they were off. It wasn’t the stormy, flash-in-the-pan heavy rain of Hungary. Instead it was a far more typical English rain; damp and drizzly and not very like August ought to be at all.

  


On the Monday when they were freshly home from the race neither Seb nor Mark cared about the weather. All they wanted was to snuggle up in bed, faking out a lie-in by just bringing Teddy in with them when he woke in the morning and only getting up properly shortly before Pauline arrived to share her congratulations with them for Sebastian’s latest win.

They were happy not to do anything much for a day or two, just playing with Teddy and catching up with what Mark referred to as ‘little zzz’s’, napping when the baby did to catch up on themselves and re-watching Seb’s race from Hungary whereupon Mark insisted on helping Teddy wave _every_ time Seb appeared on TV, making Seb laugh that it was getting just a teeny bit ridiculous when all you could see was his car. They were mostly making a joke of it, but when they watched Sebastian climb out as the winner in Parc Fermé Mark apologised once again for sleeping through it, even though Sebastian wouldn't hear of it and as TV Seb said his thanks on the podium Mark found himself getting a little misty eyed.

“I meant it Liebling,” insisted real Seb sat next to him on the sofa.

“I know.”

Sebastian stretched up to kiss his cheek.

“One day I’ll stop worrying about the media and I’ll just thank you properly. You and Teddy, so everyone knows who I owe it to.”

“I know, alright sweetheart? I know what you’re saying up there. So don’t worry about the rest.”

“Okay. But one day I’d like to not have to think about stuff and just say what I really want to.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah okay, well you just do what you want to sweetheart. Either way.”

Seb settled back into him as the coverage cut to the presenters discussing the race. It would be so nice not to have to analyse himself and his own words before they did. One day he’d relax enough not to care. Hopefully.

“One day,” he repeated, mostly to himself.

Mark nodded, then looked down to Teddy held in Seb’s arms. Their son didn’t care if Seb name-checked him on the podium. He cared that he was home with them now. That was all Mark really cared about as well.

 

Though the weather was not in their favour, in other ways luck did go their way. Teddy was spared another tooth coming through for the time-being and possibly related to that, he stunned his parents by starting to sleep right through the night. On the Monday night they gave him a bottle after a reasonably successful attempt at offering him a concoction of cooked swede, carrot and sweet-potato mixed with more baby-milk, only getting a relatively small amount on themselves and the high-chair. When Teddy started to look sleepy in Seb’s arms as they were sat in the lounge they took him up to put in his cot and Mark barely had chance to switch his mobile on before the baby was asleep.

“Wow,” whispered Seb, looking down at him.

Mark huffed a quiet laugh.

“I know how he feels.”

Sebastian looked to him and stroked over his arm.

“Poor Liebling. Shall we just go to bed?”

Mark took in a deep breath, then shook his head.

“Nah, let’s go down and enjoy a bit of grown-up time.”

  


As they returned to the lounge Mark set down the baby-monitor on the coffee table and Seb gave the dogs a rub, then they settled in together.

“What kind of grown-up time did you have in mind Liebling?” Seb asked.

Mark smiled.

“Honestly sweetheart right now I’m thinking sticking on a non-U rated film and falling asleep on you sounds quite enough for me.”

Sebastian chuckled and gave him a kiss.

“That’s fine.”

“You don’t mind if I fall asleep on you?”

“I fall asleep on you all the time.”

“There is that.”

Minutes later they’d found a suitably untaxing action movie to stick on TV, then Mark rested his head down on Seb’s shoulder, only half wondering if he would make it past the titles before he dropped off.

  


Though Mark was right in his prediction that he would fall asleep into him, Sebastian didn’t wake him. Instead he lay his head against Mark’s, happy to see him getting some of the rest he had been missing. Sebastian gazed at Mark sleeping, thinking how his face in repose somehow showed his inner gentleness, those sharp cheekbones softened as everything about him relaxed. All those long limbs lay limply sprawled about Seb and the sofa, the dogs tucked in at the end of stretched-out feet, pleased to offer what comfort they could to their adored master. Sebastian too was glad of an opportunity to be the one supporting Mark for once, letting him get as much extra sleep as possible.

  


Seb waited until the credits rolled, then gently shook his arm.

“Liebling.”

“Hmm?”

Mark’s eyes flickered open, looking to Seb, then the monitor.

“Is it Teddy?” he asked.

“No he’s still asleep. As were you. I think we should go to bed now Liebling.”

“Oh.”

Puffing a breath, Mark sat up more. He listened for a moment to hear the familiar sound of their son’s breathing coming through, then nodded.

“Yep. Bed sounds good.”

Sebastian was busy switching off the TV as Mark rubbed over his face to wake himself enough to go upstairs.

“Guess I missed most of the film.”

Seb smiled and nodded thinking Mark had lasted about five minutes in at best.

“Oh well. Seen it before,” acknowledged Mark.

  


They paused in the nursery doorway to check on Teddy, stopping themselves from going up to the cot in case they woke him. Then seeing he was safely asleep, then went to get ready for bed. As Mark finished cleaning his teeth, Seb perched on the edge of the bath.

“It’s gone eleven,” he noted. “Normally he wants his night bottle.”

Mark spat out the minty foam into the sink and rinsed his mouth before turning to him.

“Maybe he’s growing out of that?”

“Do you think?”

“Maybe. Could be he’s just tired after the weekend.”

“He ate more solids today. Perhaps he’s not hungry?”

Mark came over to where Seb was waiting and sat beside him.

“Dunno. He’ll wake if he needs to. He’s had plenty of milk today so I reckon he’s alright. Quite frankly darling so long as he’s okay I don’t really care why he’s sleeping as long as he lets us do the same.”

Seb nodded.

“Let’s go to bed then.”

“Excellent idea sweetheart.”

  


 

 

It was no surprise to be woken by the sound of their son crying. What _was_ surprising was that when they sat up there was light leaking through the curtains indicating it was already past dawn. Seb leaned over to check the time.

“It’s five to six.”

“What?”

Mark was getting out of bed and pulling on his dressing-gown as Sebastian was, but Seb shook his head.

“No Liebling I’ve got it.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

Mark was checking the time himself. It really was nearly six am. Barely more than a murmur in over nine hours. Miracles did happen.

He settled back into bed, expecting Seb through any moment, but it was five minutes before he returned, baby in his arms and a bottle wedged in his dressing-gown pocket.

“You went down?”

“He’s hungry.”

“I could have done that.”

Sebastian was already sat on the bed, contriving to hang onto Teddy as he climbed back in, before pulling out the bottle to feed him.

“You could have let me look after him while you went down,” pointed out Mark.

Seb looked up from checking Teddy was feeding properly to turn to Mark.

“I took him with me. You’re tired Liebling. It’s okay. I promised didn’t I?”

Mark sighed out a little breath and fitted his arm around him.

“Sweetheart, helping isn’t the same as thinking you have to do it all. I’m fine with sharing.”

“It’s my turn.”

 

They looked at one another, but the last thing they wanted was to spoil this time by arguing.

“Just while you catch up Liebling, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You get a holiday too.”

Mark let out a little laugh.

“I don’t think you get holidays from parenting. Not unless we go away and leave him with Pauline for a few days.”

“I couldn't do that.”

“I wasn’t actually suggesting it.”

“No, well, okay then.”

“So I’m just saying,” Mark continued. “If you want to take the lead for a few days fine, but you don’t have to do everything. I’m not an invalid. I just need a rest.”

Seb stretched to kiss Mark’s cheek.

“And that’s what you’re getting Liebling. Course we still share. Teddy would wonder what was going on otherwise.”

“Well that’s true,” agreed Mark giving their son a smile as he looked up at them. “You’re a good boy giving us a break too. Sleeping all the way through eh? Wonders will never cease.”

  


  


  


  


When Teddy did the same thing the following night Sebastian actually felt a little guilty that he wasn’t having to get up to do night-feeds or comfort their crying son or even change a nappy in the middle of the night. He wondered if Teddy had worn himself out teething or whether perhaps it might have something to do with him feeling more secure now he was used to being in his nursery through the night. As they sat propped up in bed with him on the Wednesday morning, Mark now holding Teddy as he drank his early bottle, Seb looked to him.

“Liebling, do you think Teddy feels more settled now we’re home?”

“I’m sure he’s quite happy like we are darling.”

“No but… I mean, do you think it unsettles him that we move about so much? Do you think it’s strange for him to wake up and not be where he expects to be?”

Mark let out a little sigh.

“Sweetheart I think you’re looking for issues where there aren’t any. When we’re away Teddy sleeps right next to us. He knows he’s safe.” He smiled down at Teddy. “Don’t you darling? You know everything’s okay if Daddy and Papa are there.”

Seb let out a long breath.

“Okay.”

“Stop finding things to fret about sweetheart.”

Sebastian scrunched his face a little.

“I think it’s my brain’s default position.”

Mark looked at him, knowing that wasn’t a joke. Seb had spent so long worrying, so much time being fearful and insecure. It was a trained impulse and it wasn’t his fault.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark softly. “Well those things can be unlearned.”

 

He dipped in to rest his forehead against Seb’s, their eyes barely a centimetre apart. Mark kissed Seb’s nose before pulling away.

“I think a part of me is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go wrong,” Seb confessed.

“If things seem too good?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” echoed Mark. “I get that sweetheart, but things can change. I think this young man proves that. Nothing bad is going to happen. You’re allowed good things Seb. You’re allowed to be happy.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian’s voice was quiet, so Mark passed him Teddy so he could hold him while he wrapped his arms around them both.

“This is what you deserve sweetheart. Okay? We’re a family and we love each other and there’s no other shoe to drop, nothing to creep up and go wrong, nothing bad lurking round a corner. Teddy’s our son, signed and sealed. We have this time to appreciate it, so let’s just do that. No worrying about problems that don’t exist, no over-analysing, no fretting about the future or anything like that. Just let yourself be happy.”

 

Seb took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He knew Mark hadn’t meant to imply what Seb couldn’t help but think of when it came to lurking. As he looked at Teddy Sebastian thought how frightened he had been even in abstract of the idea of their baby being in jeopardy from a very specific threat who might creep up on them. He had to erase those fears. They were irrational when he knew that Heikki was gone now, but somehow the unease managed to still niggle at the back of his mind, logical or not.

“Okay. Sorry Liebling I don’t mean to brings things down.”

“It’s okay. I just don’t want you fretting darling. I don’t mean you can’t talk about things you are worrying about.”

“I think I need to train myself to worry less.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and kissed his cheek.

“Well you’re very good at training.”

Seb gave him a smile.

“Thanks. Do you feel up to actually doing a bit of that today? If it’s still raining we could go in the gym.”

“Sure. Have a swim too if it’s still raining out.”

“Yeah I’d like that.” Seb tipped his head to the side. “Does it count as fretting if I say I wish it’d dry up?”

“Nah, definitely doesn’t count. I wish it’d stop raining too. Nowt we can do about that though sweetheart, so we’ll just make the best of it, yeah?”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

 

Sebastian leaned his temple into Mark’s and they sat quietly watching Teddy drink his milk in peace. It felt calming and Seb knew he had to work on letting that calm spread through him. He wondered what Dr. Menton would say about his mindset, whether he would call it default negativity or if it was just the result of experience telling him life was that way. Was all this too good to be true or was this how life was supposed to be?

“Mark.”

“Hm?”

Seb lifted up and bit his lip, hoping this didn’t still mean he was pulling things down.

“Do you think maybe… maybe because things were, in the past, I don’t mean with you, _before_ , that things were so bad, that that’s why I can be so lucky now?”

Mark frowned at him stumbling over that, then shook his head as he realised what Seb meant. He rubbed over his arm.

“Sweetheart life isn’t fair. It should be, but it’s not. I think looking for reasons isn’t always helpful.”

“Sorry.”

He always apologised too. Mark knew that was a habit Seb found hard to break. Whether it was his fault or not, Seb always rushed to say sorry, looked to find fault in himself and even if he couldn’t think what that fault might be might be, he took it upon himself anyway.

“You don’t need to be sorry darling.”

 

Mark reached a hand to stroke through Sebastian’s hair. It was too much to hope getting Teddy’s adoption confirmed and having a few weeks’ holiday was going to be enough to wipe out all the tangles and complications in their life. There weren’t magic fixes available for the damage done in Seb’s past. Time made things better, but Mark suspected it was years of security that he needed to really erode the bad and build in repair.

He gave him a smile, knowing what Sebastian was thinking.

“And now you want to say sorry for saying sorry,” he predicted.

Seb gave him a little smile back.

“Sorry.”

Mark kissed his lips to stop him saying it again.

“Sweetheart I think we should save that word for special occasions.”

“Am I wearing it out?”

“Just a smidge. It’s fine though.”

“I don’t mean to be negative.”

“I know you don’t. Look, let’s just take things as they come. Next two weeks we’ve got nothing planned, nothing we need to do except make the most of them.”

“Even if that’s just staying in bed.”

“Especially if that’s just staying in bed.”

Sebastian smiled at that.

“This makes me happy. I mean the other too.”

“Obviously,” concurred Mark, knowing exactly what Seb meant by the ‘other’ bed activities.

“But just this and just getting to lie with you and be close at night, even if it’s just that. That makes me happy.”

“Particularly when we get to do that uninterrupted.”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded.

“You see. The little things. The things that matter. That’s what makes you happy and me too. So that’s how I know we’re gonna be fine sweetheart. Cos strip all the other stuff away and what we’re left with is what matters.”

“So we’ll be okay.”

“So we’ll be more than okay. We just concentrate on that stuff and yeah acknowledge I guess that we are blummin’ lucky. Ten years from now, twenty years, we’ll still have that no matter what.”

 

Sebastian looked at their son. It was impossible to imagine him in ten years’ time, never mind twenty.

“He’ll be all grown up.”

“Yes but he’ll still be our son. We might even get a proper lie-in at that point.”

Seb laughed.

“I’m just grateful at getting a couple of full night’s sleep Liebling. I don’t want to push it hoping for a lie-in on top of that.”

“Yeah okay, fair enough.” Mark smiled and stroked Teddy’s cheek. “You’re doing good kiddo. We won’t ask for miracles on top of miracles.”

  


  


  


When they eventually got up it was still raining out, so having achieved feeding Teddy at least some of the baby porridge they made him and got some breakfast themselves, they decided to keep busy by using the gym, letting their son enjoy playing with some toys in his bouncer before switching to have a swim instead. They spent most of this time playing with the baby, taking turns to hold him as he kicked his little legs and splashed about and passing him back and forth to woosh through the water making him laugh, then Mark took him out so Seb could do some proper laps. By the time he caught up with them Mark was in the kitchen, Pauline holding Teddy as they had a chat. Mark turned as Seb entered the room.

“Ah you’re done then?”

“Yep.”

“I was just telling Mark that you had more post arrive while you were in the pool,” stated Pauline. “I was hoovering the lounge so I put it in the dining room for you.”

“What is it?” wondered Seb.

“Big box. Not heavy though.”

“Bet it’s one of your online purchases,” guessed Mark.

“Well while I’ve got Teddy, why don’t you sort it out?” proposed Pauline.

  


They went to check out what had arrived, finding a large cardboard box with postage slips suggesting it was indeed one of Seb’s online finds. Once they had managed to get the overly secure wrappings opened and taken out what seemed to be an entire bagful of polystyrene packaging, they pulled out a large piece of cloth and a load of lightweight inter-locking poles.

“Oh,” smiled Seb. “It’s the teepee Liebling, for Teddy to play in.”

Mark huffed a laugh, avoiding the joke that he thought it wasn’t just for their son to play in. He looked down at the collection of items on the floor in front of them.

“How does it fit together?”

Sebastian held up the sheet of instructions.

“Even has pictures Liebling. I think we can manage it.”

“I guess. How complicated can a pointy tent be anyway?”

Looking out at the heavier rain coming down now Sebastian sighed.

“Shame about the weather.”

“Mmm.” Mark examined the bits in front of him. “Well, reckon we could get away without pegging it down. Why don’t we have a play in the lounge?”

“Really?”

“Yeah why not?”

“Okay.”

  


They scooped up all the bits and pieces then dumped them in the lounge before going back to the kitchen to take Teddy back.

“Anything interesting?” enquired Pauline.

“A teepee for him to play in,” stated Seb.

“Ah I see. Very nice.”

“Were gonna see if we can put it up in the lounge.”

Pauline smiled and nodded thinking Seb seemed quite excited to have a new toy.

“Very good. Well I just need to do the kitchen then I’m done.”

“We’ll get out of your hair,” assured Mark. “C’mon boys, come with us and leave Auntie Pauline to get on.”

  


Once in the lounge Mark passed Teddy over to Seb and started arranging all the parts to try to begin construction. Sebastian tried not to laugh at the way he dove in without bothering to look at the instructions, all action as ever. He sat just a bit away, placing Teddy to sit watching resting sat in his crossed legs.

“Liebling the instructions are here.”

“Mm, yeah I think you just stick the poles together and fit them in.”

Seb held up the sheet of instructions to offer over but Mark was too busy shooing the dogs out of the way.

“Go over there, go on.”

“Don’t you want a hand?” offered Sebastian.

“Nah I’ve got it,” assured Mark, fitting sections of pole into one another. “I think all you have to do is slot them in.”

“Okay.”

Seb smiled down at Teddy in his lap, taking his hands to pat them together.

“Daddy building it for you Teddybär.”

Mark gave them a smile, then went back to his task. There were dangling bits of cord on the tent part that kept getting in the way as he tried to lay it out. It was pretty obvious that they were to attach the unopened bag of pegs to so it was secured into the ground, but they hardly needed to worry about it blowing away in here.

“It’s bigger than I thought,” noted Seb.

Mark half looked over as he laid things out again.

“Mm.”

“I suppose they’re thinking a few kids would want to play together in it,” Seb continued. “It didn’t look so big in the picture.”

“Uhuh.”

 

Mark frowned as he looked at the poles. There was big and there was big. One of the poles stretched half-way across the room. Was that right? Only way to find out. He started trying to put it into the cloth hole that clearly was where it went. It was easier said than done to thread it into the narrow channel, then when it popped out the other end there was yards more at the other end, so Mark started feeding it across the gap to go into the other side. Seb sat a few feet away pulled a face.

“I don’t think it’s meant to do that.”

“No it just, hang on.”

Mark clambered over it all, twisting his body to reach and trying not to fall over the part of the tent he thought he had already done.

“I think if I do it from the inside...”

Sebastian watched as Mark now tried going under the cloth tent, shaking his head at Teddy and the dogs who suddenly took it upon themselves to ‘help’. Seb called them back but they ran over and climbed almost on top of Mark who clambered out looking disgruntled.

“Can you keep them back?”

“I tried. Liebling that doesn’t look right to me.”

Seb picked up the instruction sheet with one hand and looked at the illustrations, but Mark was already taking the dogs to sit in a corner to tick them off.

 

“Now you _sit_ here,” he demanded firmly. “You sit and you do not move.”

Shadow and Simba looked up at him but Mark eyeballed them back, pointing to the floor. Then both dogs lowered themselves into the carpet, their chins sinking onto their front legs.

“I swear if dogs could pout,” commented Mark as he turned back around.

“Why don’t I help?”

“It’s fine. I just need to feed the other pole in and set it up.”

“Okay.”

If you say so, thought Seb, still considering the haphazard heap in front of him to bear little resemblance to the pictures he’d seen online or the ones on the instructions Mark didn’t seem to think he required. While Mark worked on that Sebastian placed Teddy down on his front on the carpet to see if he could encourage him to try crawling. It didn’t entirely work. So far the best he could manage was little push-ups and a spot of rocking about. Seb stroked over his hair and gave him a smile as the baby gave up and lay down before rolling over to look up at him.

“At least you’re getting good strong arms Kleiner,” Seb praised as he picked him back up to hold bouncing in front of him. “Legs too.”

“Hm?” frowned Mark as he turned to look.

“Nothing Liebling, we’re just having a play. You sure you don’t want a hand?”

“Nope I’ve got it.”

  


Five minutes later Mark had done battle with the other side and climbed inside to push the tent upwards. It didn’t go very high and there were some cloth channels that he hadn’t noticed before that were empty. The two long poles crossed over in the circular hole at the top so Mark pushed that up then kept one hand there whilst simultaneously trying to push the bases of the poles to grip into the carpet. Then when he thought he’d sorted that, Mark found the door flap and folded it out of the way to look out at Seb and Teddy from where he sat inside the tent.

“See, not so difficult,” he announced proudly.

“Mm, yes, thing is Liebling I think a teepee is meant to be pointy, like a cone.”

Mark looked back at the dome-shaped tent. It did resemble more an igloo than a teepee, but at least it was up.

“Meh, doesn’t matter.”

“No,” nodded Seb deciding there was no point being fussy. “Well done Liebling.”

“Great. Only took five minutes.”

 

Mark let go of the top to come out to join the others and the whole edifice immediately collapsed on top of him, burying him in the middle. Seb put his hand to his mouth to stifle a laugh, then hitched Teddy up to come over, trying to pull the cloth tent away to free Mark who crawled out.

“Oh Liebling are you okay?”

Mark huffed as he pushed the material and poles away in a messy heap.

“Stupid thing.”

As he stood properly Sebastian rubbed over his arm.

“Never mind. Did the poles hit you?”

“No not really.” Mark huffed out a breath. “I think maybe the ends need to wedge into grass or something.”

“Mm, will you let me help now?”

“Guess so.”

“Two heads are better than one. I’ll get the bouncer from the gym.”

 

Seb passed Teddy over and returned a minute later to set it down, Mark strapping the baby in and positioning the bouncer so he was close, but not in the way, giving the dogs a firm look to tell them to stay over where they were in the corner. Sebastian picked up the instructions and read them again, then nodded.

“Okay, so it’s just four bits of pole on each bit. Let’s take it all apart and try again, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

  


It turned out that it really was much easier with two working on the problem. Mark gave in and consulted the instructions as well and soon they had six equal lengths of fitted poles that Seb slotted into the cloth as Mark stood holding it up to ease them along. Then Seb found the clip that Mark hadn’t used and passed it to him to fix the poles together where they crossed over sticking out at the top.

He smiled at Teddy who bounced a little more as he watched them.

“See Teddybär, big pointy teepee for you.”

Mark shook his head and cautiously let go to see that it did indeed hold up.

“I think it’d be more stable if it was all pegged down.”

“This’ll do though won’t it?”

“Yep, this works,” Mark agreed. “I reckon we can fold it up like a big umbrella to save us having to build it over again.”

“Good idea.”

Sebastian ducked down and folded back the entrance flap, finding the little button that it looped onto to hold it open.

“See! Ha, this is cool,” declared Seb as he looked inside.

The two of them knelt at the entrance, peering in to see quite a bit of space inside. The fabric wasn’t too thick so light filtered in giving it a slightly orange glow from the tan coloured material.

Mark chuckled at how pleased Seb seemed, then turned and lifted Teddy out to come and look, setting him on his knee to peer inside.

“Watcha think kiddo?”

Seb leaned in closer to him.

“Daddy and Papa made you a teepee Teddy.”

“Babah gah!”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “Absolutely mate. Pretty cool.”

“We need some stuff to put in it,” decided Sebastian.

“Sure.”

 

Mark shuffled back a bit as Seb jumped up to collect cushions and toys, arranging them inside the teepee, then crawling in.

“Come on,” Seb encouraged.

Mark laughed and passed Teddy inside before joining them. Moments later there was a snuffling noise, then one nose followed by another poked at the entrance as the dogs came to investigate.

“Go on then, allowed Mark. “You can come in too.”

Shadow and Simba padded inside and sat where Mark pointed. It was a bit of a squeeze with all of them in there, but so long as you didn’t try to move or stand up it was okay. They offered Teddy some of his toys but he preferred to sit there, his eyes wide as he seemed to take in his odd surroundings. Both his parents smiled in and fussed over him and Teddy seemed to settle in, beginning to burble and pat his hands together.

“You like this then buddy?” asked Mark.

“Beh, gehbahgabah.”

Seb and Mark looked to one another.

“I think that was yes,” decided Seb.

Mark nodded and stroked over Teddy’s cheek.

“Whatcha trying to say? Hm?”

  


He set Teddy to sit on his own facing them, watching to see how well he balanced, but the baby seemed quite content, reaching to try to hold his bare toes and laughing.

“Toes are hilarious to be fair,” Mark concurred.

“Do you think he’s copying us stretching?”

“From earlier?”

“Yeah in the gym. He was watching us.”

“Ah, maybe. Gotta loosen up those hamstrings Teddy. Oops.”

Mark laughed as Teddy reached too far and toppled sideways. He scooped him up and pulled faces at him to distract the baby from thinking about starting to cry as Seb gave his arm a rub and offered him his dinosaur.

  


“Knock knock!”

They looked up to see Pauline's face as she knelt at the entrance, smiling in at them.

“Oh hey,” smiled Seb back.

“Ha, oh my, look at you.”

“Aren’t you impressed?” asked Mark.

“Very impressed. The lounge looks quite different.”

Pauline shook her head and laughed a little at the sight of the whole family crammed into the little tent right here in the nice tidy lounge she’d only hoovered less than an hour ago.

“Bit trickier than it looked to put up,” admitted Mark.

“Well it looks a very fancy tent.”

“It’s a teepee,” reminded Seb.

“Of course it is dear.” Pauline looked in at Teddy who was now turned to face her. She held up a hand in greeting. “How!”

“How?” frowned Seb.

“How,” repeated Pauline. “Isn’t that what they used to say as hello in the cowboys and indians films?”

“I think we have to say Native American these days,” noted Mark.

“Ah, well anyway.”

Mark shrugged and raised Teddy’s hand to wave back at her.

“How! Auntie Pauline Little Feather.”

“Little Feather Duster possibly,” she agreed.

“Ha, very good.”

“Speaking of which I’m all done for the day. There’s a wash on, but I put it to tumble-dry seeing as it’s raining.”

“Righto.”

“We should invite you in,” realised Seb.

“Looks a bit cosy in there. I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a nice day. I’ll let you know if I spot any cowboys hanging around in the lane.”

 

Seb and Mark laughed as she gave them a wave goodbye then got up and left them to it. A minute later they heard the door shut and then her car start up and pull off the drive.

“Shall I get some books down and we can read him some stories?” proposed Seb.

“Yeah why not?”

Seb crawled out, then returned with a small pile collected from the nursery, Mark picking Teddy up to sit with them while the dogs lay by them giving every impression that they were listening to the stories just as carefully. The baby patted at the pictures as they showed him.

“Likes that one,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. Shall we have a picnic in here?”

Mark laughed and Seb’s cheek went a little pink.

“Is that silly?”

“Very silly darling.” Mark leaned in and kissed one of those nice round cheeks. “So let’s do it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, why not? Nothing else to do and you’re happy aren’t you kiddo?”

“Gah.”

“See? Teddy agrees Papa had a fun idea.”

Sebastian smiled and sat a little higher. Teddy batted at the book and looked expectantly at him.

“Bahba.”

“Come on Papa,” grinned Mark. “Read it again please, then we can get our picnic.”

“Righto.”

Sebastian persuaded Teddy to let him turn back to the start of the story and they started over again. None of them paid any attention to the rain continuing to fall outside.

  


A mile away Pauline let herself into her little cottage to find her husband reading the paper sat at the kitchen table pretty much where she’d left him earlier.

“There’s tea in the pot love.”

Pauline poured herself a mug before sitting opposite him. He looked up from reading.

“Alright?”

“Yes yes, all good.”

“How are your boys?”

Pauline took a sip of her tea, knowing how Henry loved to tease her.

“My boys?”

Henry raised an eyebrow knowing in turn that that was was precisely how his wife regarded them, then drank some more of his own tea.

“Go on then,” he smiled as he set his mug down. “Tell me all about it. How’s the baby today?”

Pauline smiled back. Her husband didn’t count when it came to telling tales.

  


 

  


  


By the end of the week the weather had finally cheered up and the family were feeling pretty cheery too, particularly given that Teddy was continuing to astound them by sleeping right through the nights. He still woke them early, but neither parent was complaining, especially when dawn had given way to clear blue skies.

They had finally been able to set up all the other toy equipment they had ordered, so the garden now sat resplendent with garish brightly-coloured chunky plastic items; a baby slide sitting only three foot high and a little swing with a baby-seat with extra straps to hold Teddy safely in place. Friday morning was spent playing with them, Mark and Seb taking turns to hold Teddy to slide him down while the other ‘caught’ him at the bottom and swung a laughing baby up to go again, then putting him in the swing, each kneeling either side to gently push their son between them.

Teddy seemed delighted by both his toys and all the attention his parents were giving him. They had laid a large blanket out on the grass and now sat down for a little rest, the dogs directed off to go play their own game on the other side of the garden where they were currently investigating the hedge for any possible inhabitants. Teddy sat happily patting his chubby bare legs, then looking up to his parents facing him and doing it again. The sun above was warm, but at half ten in the morning it wasn’t hot yet, though they had smothered their protesting baby in suncream before they came out nonetheless.

 

“Yes Liebling,” agreed Seb. “Legs. Beine.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and chubbed Teddy’s cheek.

“Gotta do it in two languages kiddo.”

Seb looked to him.

“Do you think we should only speak English to him?”

“I was just joking sweetheart.”

“I know but, might it not be confusing for him when he’s trying to learn?”

Mark shrugged.

“I dunno darling. I think there’s plenty of kids who grow up bilingual. I reckon it’ll be an advantage for him.”

“Mm, maybe. I do want him to be able to be able to understand my family and stuff.”

“Course you do,” agreed Mark. “It’s fine. Kids’ brains are like sponges, they soak everything up, especially when they’re tiny. He’ll be fine. Better than me in German in no time.”

“You’re very good these days Liebling.”

 

Mark smiled. He got by, but if he wasn’t concentrating with Seb’s folks then he could lose the thread completely. It was a darn sight easier picking up a language as an infant than in your forties. Seb had gone back to paying attention to Teddy, tickling his feet and his toes and telling him what the words were for them in English and German. The baby merely babbled and laughed in response, but Mark guessed it was all sinking in there slowly but surely. Then as Teddy tried grabbing his toes he unbalanced and went sideways. Seb went to pick him up, but seeing as the baby wasn’t crying Mark put a hand on his arm.

“Let’s just see what he does.”

Sebastian looked to be sure their son wasn’t hurt, then sat away. Teddy had rolled onto his front and was trying to push up. Seb wondered if perhaps they were too quick to always scoop him up and carry him everywhere. At races they didn’t have much choice, but perhaps it was holding him back?

“Ooh hang on,” smiled Mark as Teddy pushed up onto hands and knees and rocked to and fro, clearly trying to master getting further forwards. “C’mon mate, that’s it.”

Mark lowered himself to be alongside Teddy on his hands and knees just the same only dipping to keep his head at the same height. He moved one hand and tried demonstrating how to crawl again, but Teddy merely looked at him then frowned and moved back and forth on the spot. Seb got up and went around to be in front a couple of feet, kneeling on the grass and trying to get Teddy to look.

“Here Liebling, can you crawl to me?”

Mark lifted up a little, seeing what Seb was trying.

“Go on mate, crawl to Papa.”

Sebastian clapped his hands and beckoned the baby on.

“C’mon Kleiner, come to me.”

Teddy rocked forwards again, then lifted a hand and tentatively wobbled on three points before setting it down a fraction ahead.

“That’s it, keep trying,” encouraged Mark alongside him.

Teddy rocked, then moved the other hand and promptly face-planted into the grass.

 

“Oh no,” worried Seb.

“No no, he’s fine.” Mark lifted Teddy back into position and gave him a broad smile to distract him from crying. “Gotta pick yourself up and keep trying matey. Go on, crawl to Papa.”

Sebastian forced himself not to rush forwards to pick him up and let Mark go on encouraging Teddy. Then just when he thought they might be expecting too much of their son Teddy set a hand forwards into the grass, then the other and then completely without warning suddenly crawled the couple of feet to reach him, his little nappy-padded bottom wiggling hilariously as he moved.

“Go Teddy!” laughed Mark.

Sebastian beamed at the baby as he reached him, lifting him up and giving him a kiss as Mark joined them to do the same.

“Oh Teddybär, aren’t you clever?”

“Well done kiddo,” Mark agreed.

“He did at least a metre there,” declared Sebastian.

“Bit more I reckon.”

“Badah bapah.”

“Whoa, ha now that was definitely better,” smiled Mark. “Dada, Papa. Can you say that darling? Dada Papa.”

 

He pointed at himself and Seb, then said it again slowly so Teddy could copy. Teddy watched then patted at Seb’s face.

“Badah bapah.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Yes Liebling, we’re a pair aren’t we?” He looked to Mark. “I’m not sure he knows there’s two there. Dada _and_ Papa.”

Mark gave a tip of his head. He wasn’t sure how this usually worked, but in a heterosexual relationship the differentiation between parents would be rather more distinct to a child than for their Teddy. He decided not to care about that and instead chubbed Teddy’s cheek again.

“Dada Papa. Doesn’t matter mate, we’re both here for you.”

“Shall we try him again?”

“Crawling? Sure.”

 

Mark moved a few feet away and they tried reversing things, Seb setting the baby on his front and Mark coaxing him over, then swapping again to keep practising. While Sebastian was encouraging Teddy to go again Mark pulled his phone out to film it, knowing that their families would love to see this. Then he hopped up and went over to the open kitchen door, calling Pauline out to join them.

“What’s the matter?” Pauline worried as she stepped into the garden.

“Look.”

Mark pointed at Teddy wiggling his way over into Seb’s waiting arms.

“Oh my goodness,” she beamed, going with him to watch as Seb turned Teddy around to send him to Mark. As Mark lifted him up Pauline gave a little round of applause. “Well done indeed Teddy.” She looked to his parents. “He’s coming on leaps and bounds now isn’t he?”

Mark sat Teddy on his knee facing out and Pauline gave him another smile and a clap, all the adults laughing as the baby copied her and applauded himself. Mark kissed the top of his head.

“Yeah, leaps and bounds,” he agreed. “Aren’t you buddy-boy? Coming on leaps and bounds, or crawls and sprawls at any rate.”

“And he’s nearly saying Papa and Dada,” announced Seb.

Pauline nodded, smiling at how happy they seemed.

“Very good.”

Mark angled round to look at Teddy in his lap.

“Can you say it for Auntie Pauline mate? Papa Dada.”

“Bapah.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah, near enough kiddo.”

They had plenty of time to work on it.

  


  


As they put him down that evening Mark closed the curtains to shut out the sinking sun while Seb lay Teddy in his cot, bravely withstanding reaching little arms and frowns from the baby at being separated from the nice cuddle he’d been having. Mark switched on the nightlight and leaned over to look at him.

“Sleep now sweetheart, you’ve had lots of stories, now it’s beddy-byes.”

Sebastian smiled at the way Mark spoke to their son. Even his voice sounded different when he addressed Teddy, soft and reassuring. They’d fed him a bedtime bottle and he had seemed relaxed after his bath and hadn't fought having his teeth cleaned, but of course the moment they put him down Teddy tried to wake himself up so they would hold him for longer.

“We’ll just be downstairs Teddybär, have a nice sleep now.”

“Yep,” agreed Mark. “Have a good long kip and then you’ll have lots of energy for more fun tomorrow.”

Seb wound up the mobile to set it off playing and the pair of them backed away whilst their son was distracted by the revolving animals.

“He’s fine,” Mark whispered. “Let’s scarper while the going’s good.”

Nodding, Seb followed him from the room, picking up the monitor as he went.

  


They locked the house up for the night, then Mark made mugs of tea while Seb filled up the dogs bowls so they too could settle in for the evening, but as Mark handed him his mug the dogs came to stand with them and trotted after them into the lounge, settling at their feet as Mark and Seb settled into each other on the sofa. Seb leaned into Mark as he usually did, Mark pulling him in with his arm wrapped around Seb once he had switched the TV on for them to watch. Mark took a sip of his tea as Sebastian flicked around to find something to watch.

“This okay?” checked Seb as he settled on a science programme just starting.

“Sure,” Mark agreed, not really caring what was on so long as he had a nice peaceful cuddle up with Seb.

Sebastian put the remote control down on the coffee table, swapping it for his mug of tea then cosying back up with Mark. He paused for a moment, listening to be sure they could just about hear Teddy breathing over the television, then sighed and rested his head down into Mark’s shoulder.

“This is nice Liebling.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Certainly is sweetheart.”

Seb let out a long sigh.

“How is it this feels like the only time we’ve stopped all day when we’ve not actually done anything?”

“We’ve done plenty,” argued Mark. “We played in the garden, we taught Teddy to crawl, took the boys out for a nice long stroll and had a swim. I reckon that’s quite a lot for a day off.”

“Mm I guess.”

“Anything you want to do tomorrow?”

“Just more of the same I suppose. The weather’s meant to be a bit warmer so maybe we could try out the paddling pool?”

“Sounds good darling.”  


Sebastian let out a quiet little _‘mmm’_ noise making Mark smile.

“You tired then?”

Sebastian turned his head a little to look up at him.

“Mm, just nice to relax.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark stretched to give him a kiss, glad to see the smile he got in response. Then a little murmur came through the monitor and they both immediately looked to it, listening carefully before relaxing again as the noise subsided.

“Pfff, think he’s alright,” noted Mark.

“Yeah.”

Mark gave a tiny shake of his head.

“When I think where we were a week ago.”

“Glad you’re home?”

“Glad we’re _all_ home.”

“And no more teething.”

“Ha, keep those fingers crossed we hold off there for a bit.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took another drink of his tea then ditched it on the table so he could reach across Mark’s middle to hold onto him. Mark smiled and kissed his temple.

“Hang on a sec sweetheart.”

“Hm?”

Seb looked up at him.

“I want to put mine down too.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian sat up so Mark could rid himself of his mug, then they rearranged themselves, Seb snuggling in making Mark smile.

“Comfy there?” he teased.

“Mm.” Seb kissed the top of Mark’s chest through his t-shirt. “Very, Liebling.”

“Good stuff.”

  


The longer the baby-monitor remained quiet, the more they relaxed. As the programme they were watching finished Sebastian angled his head to look up at Mark.

“You want anything on?”

“I’m not fussed.”

Mark took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly, Seb smiling as he moved with it. Mark smiled back as he looked down at him.

“Are you happy Liebling?”

“Happy?”

“Mm.”

“Course.”

Seb lifted up to look at him properly.

“I mean generally.”

“Darling I’m very happy. How could I not be right now?”

“You don’t regret taking a year out?”

Mark frowned a little.

“Sweetheart, why would you ask that?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I just… I don’t know. A week ago.”

“A week ago I was tired darling. We both were. And Teddy was suffering with his tooth. We just had frayed nerves.”

 

He reached with his free hand and stroked over Seb’s cheek.

“Water under the bridge, okay?”

“Okay.”

“We can have little difficulties and get past them,” Mark reassured. “It’s a good thing sweetheart. Not something to worry about. It means we’re stronger for it, more resilient.”

Seb nodded.

“Okay. I just don’t like it when we fall out.”

Mark stroked further down Seb’s arm.

“I’m not sure it counts as falling out. I think we were tired and stressed, but we talked and we fixed things and now we’ve had a nice rest and everything’s fine, right?”

“Right.” Seb paused. “I’m glad things are better now.”

“Me too.”

Mark gave him a kiss, then still seeing a residue of disquiet in Seb’s eyes he stroked over his arm again. He understood why even the idea of arguing so unnerved Sebastian.

“C’mere,” he coaxed, encouraging Seb to sit in his lap.

 

Sebastian turned to sit facing him, then leaned in to wrap his arms around Mark’s neck, placing his cheek by Mark’s as the sat in silence for a minute Mark wrapping his arms around Seb in turn as they squeezed in, knowing physical contact was always the surest way to comfort and reassure Seb to his core. When they moved Mark smoothed his cheek against Seb’s then gave him another kiss.

“Have you still been worrying about this?” he checked.

“No, not really. I just wanted to check.”

“Okay. Well for the record sweetheart I couldn’t be happier right now. You’re happy too aren’t you?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Good. You know little hiccups aren’t things to get anxious about. It’s just life, ordinary life, ordinary family and couple stuff.”

“I know. I just, I suppose it does make me anxious, a little bit, that stuff.”

“Yeah I know sweetheart. That’s okay too. You know you can always tell me that.”

“I don’t want it feel like emotional blackmail.”

“ _Seb_.” Mark shook his head. “It’s not. Okay? It’s being honest. Look, maybe we can both do better? I need to admit when I’m getting a bit stressed with whatever I’m dealing with, Teddy stuff, whatever, and you tell me if you’re worrying or stressing or feeling anxious about anything. Is that a deal?”

“Yeah.”

“So is there anything?”

“Right now?”

“Mm.”

“No not now we’re home. This is the easy bit.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well yeah. The other stuff though, only way to do it is learn as we go. I think maybe we were a bit naïve about some things going into all this.”

“Like travelling to races.”

“Yeah. I mean I don’t think we’ve done too badly.”

“Monaco though.”

“Yes well if we do that next year we have a sit down in advance and come up with a completely different plan.”

“I won’t mind if you stay home.”

“No well we’ll see.”

“Or we could hire somewhere, like a house right on the coast around the bay so we can go direct by boat and just bypass everything.”

“Cost a fortune.”

“We do have money,” Seb pointed out.

“True. Yeah okay well that’s an idea,” accepted Mark. “Anyway, I just meant generally. I think we should give ourself credit for adapting. We’re just gonna have to keep doing that.”

“At least we have Teddy now, properly I mean,” asserted Seb. “To be honest Liebling I think a lot of the time that’s what made me anxious, underneath it all.”

Mark nodded and stroked over Seb’s cheek.

“I know. But that’s sorted now. All settled. Our family.”

 

Sebastian smiled and they looked into each others eyes. Seb took a deep breath.

“I do feel much better these days Liebling. I know I’m not perfect, but I am better aren’t I?”

As Mark looked at him he wondered where that came from, but as he thought about it he realised that a year ago Seb had been in a state of almost catatonic shock after learning of Heikki’s death and the revelations of his continued stalking. It had been a terrible time and they’d had hard times since then, but it had brought them here.

“You’re perfect to me darling.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“You always say that.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Not lying. You’re perfect to me darling, perfect _for_ me and that’s all that matters. I’m not perfect, nobody's perfect.”

“I think you’re perfect,” asserted Seb quickly.

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“Well thank you, but I’m not. I get stressed and tired and narky. I’m human. You’re human too. That’s okay. It’s okay not to actually be perfectly perfect.”

“I am better than I was though, aren’t I?”

“Sweetheart.”

“No I mean… I haven’t had an attack or anything like that in a long time now. I know I’ve got upset sometimes, but I haven’t actually had a full-on panic attack.”

“No,” agreed Mark softly. “That’s really good darling.”

“I think I’m doing better.”

“Much better.”

“I know I’ve had bad dreams sometimes.”

“You can’t control those sweetheart.”

“I think they’re getting less though.”

“Yeah definitely, but if you have a bad dream that’s not your fault. I sometimes have them too. Everyone does.”

 

Seb looked at him. He wondered how many people really did wake up with their hearts pounding, skin coated in sweat, needing to be held until the terror went away and they felt safe again. A fully grown adult needing the lamp on afterwards to know their husband was there so they could sleep.

“And with nothing like the cause,” completed Mark softly.

Sebastian squished his face a little then nodded.

“So it’s okay if you have a nightmare Seb,” Mark emphasised. “Alright?”

“Alright.”

“Is there anything you’re worrying about?”

“Not now we have things settled with Teddy,” assured Sebastian. “I feel much more settled inside.”

“Good.”

“I think maybe it might be good to work out more of a plan for the autumn. Not set in stone, but just an idea.”

“Okay, that’s fine we’ll look at that then. Tomorrow if you like?”

“Yeah okay, thanks. Just to have an idea,” Seb repeated, not wanting to put too much on it.

“Sure. Well, there we go then. All about the future now darling.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah I like that.”

“Good.”

“And Liebling.”

“Yeah?”

“In future, you will tell me if things are tricky with Teddy, if you’re tired out and you’re getting stressed. Even if I’m working.”

“I’ve promised I will darling. I meant it.”

“Okay, just I know it’s difficult if I’m racing, but even if I can’t do anything I’d still feel better if you told me. Like on Sunday, it did feel better to say didn’t it Liebling?”

“Yeah it did. No keeping it in, then we’ll both feel better.”

“I feel better already,” asserted Seb.

Mark smiled and nodded thinking how much better it was to have these conversations when they were relaxed and comfortable. He could swear Seb actually felt physically lighter for it and those blue eyes were clear again, clear and happy. It really was incredible how much difference a year could make.

“Good. Me too sweetheart.”

 

Sebastian leaned into Mark, shifting a little to kiss him properly. As he lifted away to take in air Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Careful sweetheart, you’ll be giving me ideas in this position.”

Seb laughed.

“What kind of ideas Liebling?”

Mark leaned his head closer and whispered into Seb’s ear.

“I think you know precisely what kind of ideas.”

Turning his hips further round into Mark, Sebastian looked into his eyes for a moment before speaking.

“Nice ideas.”

“Very nice ideas,” agreed Mark.

Seb gave a little flick of his eyebrows then began to shift, Mark already knowing what he was doing. Mark placed his hands on Sebastian’s waist to help him manoeuvre so he could sit straddling him, putting his arms back around Mark’s neck as they looked at one another without saying anything before beginning kissing, longer and deeper than before. Sebastian instinctively found himself moving against Mark, pressing his hips into him and lowering down as Mark’s hands slid to grasp hold of his arse pulling him in.

 

It developed faster than either of them thought and before they knew it Mark was taking hold of Seb to turn him to lie out on the sofa beneath him. Sebastian let out a little gasp as Mark began to grind his crotch into his, only pulling away at the noise.

“Y’okay?”

“Mm,” agreed Seb.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian raised his head up from the sofa cushions, pulling Mark closer where his arms wrapped around him and Mark quickly forgot everything else as they kissed again.

 

They were in the process of losing themselves nicely to it, getting to the point where they might get entirely carried away when Seb turned his head to get air and then laughed unexpectedly.

Mark frowned.

“What?”

Sebastian laughed again and this time Mark looked where he was.

“We’re being watched Liebling.”

Mark coughed a laugh to match and shook his head at Shadow and Simba who sat a few feet away, clearly staring at them intently.

“Go on with you,” he dismissed. “We’re not a show.”

Seb looked up at him.

“Perhaps we should go upstairs?”

Mark took in a deep breath, then lowered in to give him a little kiss.

“Yeah. Think you’re right.” He put his mouth by Seb’s ear. “Be past the point of no return at this rate.”

They smiled at one another for a moment, then Mark decisively pushed himself up and stood, offering a hand to help Seb up as well. He didn’t let go of it as they left the room, merely giving the dogs a nod to indicate that they knew where they ought to go to their own beds for the night.

  


Despite their intent on hurrying upstairs they couldn't stop themselves just checking on Teddy in the nursery. They paused in the doorway though, not going in to disturb him. Mark stood behind Seb as they both watched their son sleeping in his cot, his little chest and round belly going steadily up and down, his mouth parted as he audibly breathed in and out. Mark had his arms wrapped around Sebastian, his chin placed on his shoulder as he whispered.

“Fast asleep darling.”

“Yeah.”

“Weren’t we going to our own bed?”

Sebastian turned his head and smiled, Mark stealing a kiss to encourage him. Carefully closing the door they went back along the corridor to their room, Seb putting the monitor on the side as they sat on the bed together.

“Now then.”

Mark grinned and slid his hand under Seb’s t-shirt before easing it up over his head. He smoothed over Seb’s side, then leaned in to kiss him before pausing to allow Seb to remove his t-shirt for him in turn. Sebastian stroked his hand down Mark’s chest, then looked at him.

“Liebling let me take care of you tonight.”

Mark went to open his mouth and Seb could see the question forming there, but he shook his head and answered.

“Because I want to. Hm?”

Smiling, Sebastian sent his hand lower, down over Mark’s crotch before slowly undoing the button on his shorts. Mark huffed a little laugh and put his hands back on the bed behind him.

“You’ll get no complaints from me darling.”

“Good.”

Seb undid some more buttons, then slipped his hand inside Mark’s shorts, trying not to laugh at the grin on his face. Definitely not complaining.

 

It didn’t take very long before they’d helped each other remove the rest of their clothes and Mark was laid out on the bed, the smile just as wide on his face as Sebastian worked so arduously to show his appreciation. It really was quite difficult to lie still while Seb was busily kissing down his chest, particularly when Mark had a pretty good idea where he was heading, but the last thing he wanted to do was distract him. He looked down as Seb reached his flat stomach and smiled thinking how incredibly lucky he was to have lips like that in his life. Sebastian looked up at him and their eyes met, Mark reminded that he was pretty damn lucky to have eyes like that in his life too.

Sebastian grinned as Mark raised a teasing eyebrow, then returned to his task, Mark gently laying a hand on his shoulder as he continued south.

“Oh fuck,” Mark let out involuntarily.

Seb laughed against him and Mark had to hold his breath at the sensation.

“Jesus.”

Sebastian lifted up a moment.

“You don’t want me to stop do you Liebling?” he teased.

“Christ no.”

Sebastian actually giggled and Mark closed his eyes as he lowered back in.  My god, what had he been thinking about those lips again? Lucky didn’t cover it.

 

Deciding that he didn’t want this evening to end rather too soon Sebastian lifted off, then looked up as Mark let out what sounded like a disappointed little noise.

“Shall I?”

Mark looked at him, his brain re-connecting a little.

“Hmm?”

He pushed up on his elbows to look at Seb.

“I thought maybe we should move on Liebling.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian emphasised his point by gently stroking his hand around Mark’s already hard cock causing him to sit up while Seb tried not to laugh.

“Nice?”

“Yeah, ah fuck.”

Mark bit his lip and Sebastian slowed his hand, moving instead to straddle him properly.

“Move things on?” Seb prompted.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

Seb pressed in to kiss him and Mark was reminded how great it was when he decided to be more assertive in bed. Not that it wasn’t always pretty great, but there was something in the way Seb could enjoy being in control, teasing Mark and looking so amused by the power he held to please him, that made Mark almost as happy as the things he was actually doing to him. He took a deep breath as the broke apart, hands sliding around Seb’s back and down to pull him as close as possible.

“Very good darling,” he assured.

“Good.”

With a quick peck of a kiss Sebastian moved and reached over to pull open the top drawer of the bedside cabinet, finding the lube tucked in there before sitting back up with Mark’s help. He poured a little into his hand, then at the little flick in Mark’s eyebrows, passed it to him so he could do the same. Seb kept his eyes locked on Mark’s as he stroked lightly over his cock again, trying to keep things slow and controlled and only pausing as Mark began to touch him, Seb now the one to bite his lip and still releasing a soft little moan that only encouraged him.

 

Mark focussed on how dark pink and swollen those lips appeared now, cheeks pinked too and those blue eyes darker with desire. As he elicited another moan Mark sat up more into him, pressing his forehead into Seb’s.

“God you’re beautiful, so beautiful,” he praised.

“ _Oh_.”

Mark smiled at how high-pitched that came out. He reached deeper and put his lips to Seb’s to steal the next _‘oh’_ that came out, enjoying teasing him back now. It made his heart sing and as Seb pressed in closer, sending his hands to clasp around Mark’s shoulders he could feel how Seb’s heart-rate had shot up too. Sebastian had closed his eyes and the gasps he was letting out were being lost in increasingly passionate kisses.

“Seb.”

“Mm.”

Seb opened his eyes and saw the question in Mark’s eyes. He nodded and knelt up as Mark moved his hand, going to guide himself in as Seb lowered back down. Mark watched and felt the intake of air before Seb sank fully down, both of them stilling. Sebastian was glad for Mark’s hands on his waist, steadying him. Just to stop, to wait, to give him a moment. Seb thought he could love Mark for this alone. He could feel Mark’s thumb gently rubbing over his skin, back and forth as if to soothe him, reassuring and tender as Mark waited when Seb knew Mark was holding back, letting him lead, giving everything over to him as he did in so much of their life together. He needed this moment to feel comfortable, not just physically, but to feel in control and to know that Mark knew that without asking, meant everything.

 

Leaning in to him, Seb put his cheek by Mark’s.

“I love you.”

Mark smiled and brushed his nose against Seb’s.

“Me too. Love you too darling.”

Seb took in a deeper breath and moved his head to look at him, then pressed his lips to Mark’s before deepening the kiss until they both ran out of air. Only then did Sebastian lift up and give Mark a nod, beginning to move himself before Mark moved with him, keeping his hands to Seb’s waist to help him. They tried to keep it slow for a while, but that never really lasted as the blood pumped and brains sparked with electricity. Mark felt an energy he hadn’t in weeks, unable to get enough of Seb, wanting all of him, more of him, trying to kiss him at the same time and when he could tell that occupying his mouth was depriving Seb of oxygen he needed Mark switched to kiss hungrily at his neck, feeling the pulse there jumping.

Sebastian could feel himself losing control at that, teetering on the edge as his brain was bombarded by almost too many sensations at once. He was panting for air, his chest moving more rapidly and Seb’s thighs were tiring to the point he knew he had to stop.

“Mark.”

“Mm.”

Mark paused kissing towards his jaw to look at him.

“Liebling. Mmph. Can we…” He dragged in an inhale of air. “Can we move?”

“Turn?”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded, then kissed at his mouth.

“Hold on tight to me darling.”

He had to help Seb moved his legs to wrap around him, then Mark rolled them to lie with Seb underneath him, putting his hands down on the mattress to prevent too much weight pressing on Sebastian. As Seb looked up to him he took a couple of deeper breaths and Mark moved to prop himself on an elbow so he could his hand at Seb’s cheek.

“Okay?” he checked.

Sebastian nodded and shifted a fraction before wrapping his legs more tightly around Mark’s middle. Mark kissed him then began to move, a little cautiously at first but as Seb moved with him they resumed where they had left off, Mark doing most of the work this time. As things sped up Seb arched his back, trying to lift his hips higher into Mark before he let go and stopped thinking altogether, barely even noticing the way his body shifted backwards as he tried to hang on to Mark. He didn’t care. All Seb wanted now was to give himself up to Mark, to forget keeping control of things and be free until he had the complete release he needed.

 

Mark wasn’t thinking much either. The only real thought running through his mind was; _more_. More of this, more speed, more friction, more of Seb, more of those incredible noises coming from his mouth and more of that desire to be deeper, more a part of him, more of everything until it was too much.

As Mark collapsed on top of him Seb cold feel him come inside him even as he fell over the edge with him. Mark’s breath was hot by his ear, his chest heaving, his body still reflexively moving but at a slowing, less conscious rate. Sebastian merely clung on tighter and kept his eyes closed as he pressed his cheek into Mark’s, his own chest moving heavily with Mark’s that seemed stuck to him, though he was glad of that, it felt a comfort in that moment where Seb wondered if he might be on the verge of passing out until the oxygen seeped back into his brain and he just held on all the tighter.

Mark had a strange rush of clarity as Seb clutched at him with his whole body, muscles strong and weak at the same time. Seb never felt more fragile than when he clung like this and Mark worried for a moment that he might have got a little too carried away. With renewed lucidity he lay still into Seb, then tried to lift a little of his weight away but Seb merely clung tighter, pressing his cheek further in.

“Just gonna move us a bit darling. Okay?”

Seb let out a soft ‘mmph’, which Mark assumed was a positive, so he took hold of him to turn them to rest on their sides at least. It wasn’t exactly perfectly comfortable seeing as Sebastian was still entwined around him with a fierceness that Mark knew meant he had no intention of letting go, but Mark didn’t care and he suspected Seb barely even noticed so long as they stayed together.

 

He had no idea how long had passed when Seb opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was Mark smiling at him, a hand raised to stroke over his cheek.

“You back?” teased Mark.

“Mm.” Sebastian took in a breath. “Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah. That’s okay. We’re in no rush.”

“I floated.”

Mark huffed a little laugh at the description.

“Sounds nice.”

“Mm.” Seb pressed his forehead into Mark’s, his voice mumbly. “Don’t want to let go.”

“I’m not letting you go darling. I’ve got you. Won’t let go.”

“Fünf,” sighed Seb lightly, closing his eyes again.

“Hm?”

Mark stroked at Seb’s cheek, wondering if that was a request for five minutes or just a sigh. He got no response and Mark realised that either way Sebastian was out again, drifting, somewhere nice hopefully. He’d just keep him tightly held and appreciate the closeness until time passed they were ready to let go of one another enough to go to the bathroom, maybe get a quick shower before resuming cuddling up in bed.

Mark closed his eyes, already anticipating that, how nice it would still feel to have his Seb snuggled in, arm clamped around him, cheek crushed into his chest, one leg hooked over to prevent Mark moving away as they slept bound together through the night. As if he would. Mark had no more intention of letting go of Seb than Seb had him. He took in a slow breath and pulled Seb just a little tighter. No letting go.

  


 

  


  


The next morning they woke in precisely that position, nicely wound together and not letting go despite being unconscious. Sebastian opened his eyes as a sound came through the baby monitor. He snuffled his face into Mark’s chest as he tried to wake up. He smelt nice, felt warm and comfy, his arms around him. Those arms moved now though, Mark rubbing a hand over Seb’s back as they both woke up more and tried to listen to what noise was coming through. Mark turned his head to the monitor hearing a little high peal of something, then he smiled. Teddy wasn’t crying, he was laughing.

Mark huffed a laugh himself as Sebastian slowly lifted off him, frowning over at the monitor.

“Is he laughing?”

“Sounds like it,” agreed Mark.

The pair of them sat up in bed together listening for another moment before Mark turned to look at Seb and laughed again.

“What?”

Mark smiled and ran his fingers through Seb’s tousled hair that was sticking up all over.

“Nothing darling. Morning hair.”

“Oh.”

Mark leaned in to kiss him, his hand now on Sebastian’s arm.

“Gorgeous as ever,” he assured.

 

Seb gave him a diffident smile, attempting to tidy his hair as they both listened to Teddy making noises again.

“Wonder what’s amused him?”

Sebastian was already looking for his dressing-gown. Mark could have said that their son sounded happy as he was, but it was plainly daylight behind those closed curtains and as he glanced at the time he saw it was nearly ten to six. Perhaps resuming where they had left off would be nice, but even if their son wasn’t crying as he usually did to summon his parents, it might be rather difficult to ignore him in the background. So Mark followed Seb in climbing off the bed and pulling on his dressing-gown, the two of them going along the landing to open the nursery door.

When they entered they saw that Teddy had somehow contrived to be already sitting up in his cot, looking up at the toy animals above him attached to his mobile. At first he didn’t seem to hear his parents enter the room. He was busy reaching up a hand towards one of the animals, clearly trying to grab what was out of reach and accidentally wafting the air making it move. As the soft little toy cow seemed to dance above him Teddy looked up with those big blue eyes and let out another peal of laughter before gurgling as if having a little conversation with himself.

 

“How’d he manage to sit up?” wondered Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno, pulled himself up on the bars at a guess.”

Seb and Mark smiled to one another as they watched for another moment, then went over.

“Is that funny kiddo?” asked Mark.

Teddy turned to see them, then let out a little coo of happiness before reaching his hands towards his parents stood by the cot now.

“Bababa-gah-baba.”

“Mm,” nodded Mark as if this was an interesting exchange of views. “Very good sweetheart.”

“Are the animals funny Liebling?”

“Bah, badahba.”

Teddy reached his arms up insistently, then frowned as they failed to immediately pick him up, his face creasing up and his voice raising in tone.

“Baah badahbaba _dada_.”

Seb pouted at how appealing he sounded and Mark reached in to lift him out before he got upset and started crying.

“Alright mate, here we are,” he soothed.

 

The baby wrapped his arms around Mark’s neck and buried his face in his shoulder as he cuddled in. Seb rubbed over Teddy’s back, trying to see his face.

“Did you have a nice sleep Schatz?”

Teddy lifted his head to look at both his parents talking to him.

“Bah-daa badadada.”

Mark huffed a laugh and gave Teddy a kiss.

“You’re trying mate aren’t you?”

“Dadadadadah.”

Mark’s eyes opened wider.

“Hang on.”

“Dadada.”

They both stared at the baby who now patted Mark’s face.

“Dadada,” repeated Teddy happily as he looked at him.

 

Mark was certain he actually felt his heart go ping. He stared dumbfounded at the baby who was ironically just finding his words.

“Dadada.”

A soft smile spread over Mark’s face as he looked into his son’s eyes.

“Yeah mate, Dada. Dada’s here and Papa.”

He glanced towards Seb stood by his side and gave him a smile. Seb smiled back, but a little part of his own heart felt crushed that it was Dada that came first, not Papa. But of course if was. Mark spent so much more time with their son. He’d anticipated it really, but a secret part of him had still hoped to hear Teddy say Papa first. That was selfish though. Seb knew that. One or other had to come first and perhaps the ‘d’ was easier to pronounce than ‘p’? It didn’t matter. It would be wrong to let selfish disappointment cloud this important moment.

 

“Well done Teddy,” smiled Sebastian, stroking over his back as he lay next to where Seb stood by Mark. “Dada. Good boy.”

Mark caught something in Seb’s eye and gave him a sympathetic smile.

“I’m sure he’ll say Papa soon.”

“Yeah it’s okay. He’s got to say one first.”

“Mm, well, not quite Dada yet anyway.”

“Dadada,” burbled Teddy to prove his point.

“Can you say Papa?” prompted Mark. “Papa.” He nodded towards Sebastian and looked pointedly to the baby. “Pa-pah.”

“Dadadah.”

 

Sebastian huffed a little laugh and shook his head. You couldn't force these things.

“It’s alright.”

“He’ll say it soon. We’ll practise,” assured Mark.

Seb nodded and smiled at Teddy.

“Well done Liebling. Auntie Pauline was right. You really are coming on leaps and bounds right now.”

“He is,” agreed Mark. “Quite a little spurt.”

“Maybe it’s cos we’re home?”

“Maybe.” Mark took in a breath and hitched Teddy up a fraction. “Why don’t we go see how the day’s looking? See what we might do today.”

 

They went over to the window, Seb drawing the curtains to reveal another perfect blue sky outside, their garden bathed in early sunshine, looking green and verdant at the height of summer.

“Beautiful morning,” he commented.

“Yeah.” Mark turned his head and kissed Seb’s cheek. “Beautiful.”

Seb smiled, knowing that was directed at him. He took in a deep breath and smiled at Mark and their son, thinking how incredibly fortunate he was to have them. He wasn’t going to get upset over his name being said second. What a waste of emotion that would be. Their son was happy and healthy and theirs, developing fast while they had all this time to devote to him. He’d say papa soon enough and it would feel special then. It wasn’t a competition.

 

“Maybe after breakfast we could go for a run to the coffee shop while it’s still cool, then take the dogs for a nice walk and then try out the paddling pool when it’s warmer?” Seb proposed.

Mark chuckled and looked to Teddy.

“Papa’s got it all planned.”

“Do you think that sounds nice?” checked Seb.

“I think that sounds perfect darling.”

He lifted Teddy a little more to the side so he was closer to Seb and smiled at the baby.

“Isn’t Papa clever kiddo? Hm? Always thinking of nice things for us to do. Don’t we love Papa?”

 

Sebastian huffed a little laugh, guessing that Mark was going to use ‘papa’ in every sentence he spoke to their son from now on in an effort to get him to repeat it. He fitted one arm around Mark’s back and the other around the front to help hold Teddy in.

“Love you too.”

Teddy looked at Seb as he spoke, then smiled and patted his face.

“Dadada.”

Mark coughed a laugh and shook his head.

“Ah.”

“Dadada,” repeated Teddy insistently, still looking at Seb.

“Yeah mate,” agreed Mark. “We’re pretty much the same.”

Seb smiled and gave Teddy a kiss to encourage him, then looked to Mark.

“Do you think he doesn’t know the difference?”

“No darling, I don’t think it matters to him.” He looked to Teddy. “Dada, Papa, all the same isn’t it matey? Makes no odds as long as we both love you does it?”

“Doesn’t matter,” agreed Seb, leaning his head into Mark’s shoulder.

Teddy likewise chose to snuggle into them, burbling to himself as he seemed to be trying to repeat the noises that made his parents smile at him so much.

“Dadabada-babapah,” he declared, then looked up for approval.

“Absolutely mate,” confirmed Mark. “Dada, Papa, Baba.”

 

Sebastian smiled and cast his eyes up to Mark. Dada, Papa, Baba. What more could he want than that? As their son pressed back in close and continued murmuring to himself as if determinedly trying to get it right, the little family group stayed wrapped up together, looking out to the bright new day.

Mark took in satisfied breath feeling pretty much on top of the world. Both his loved ones leaning into him with a lovely relaxed sunny day off in prospect. He’d have to fit in a quick phone-call to his mum. _Dada_. Teddy might well be applying it to both of them, but Mark know his mum would be thrilled, as he was really. Could he ever have imagined how his heart would sing at a few repeated syllables? Last night and now this. Pretty much the two best feelings in the world with their originators pressed in, filled up to the brim with love. Who needed exotic island beaches when you could be home with family like this? Little miracles were the best.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of fluffy summery stuff, but quite frankly I could do with some sunshine and calm at the moment as much as they could. Anyway, Canadian GP this weekend, so there's always that.


	233. Height of Summer

 

* * *

 

 

Now that their son was more mobile Mark and Seb knew they were going to have to keep an even closer eye on him. Not that they didn’t anyway, but now that he had learnt to crawl it seemed Teddy was keen on exploring his independence and was off, wiggling away from blankets set on the lawn or across the lounge carpet to see what he could find, his parents rushing after him to stop little fingers going where they ought not to.

Thankfully their home had long been child-proofed to satisfy the demands of the adoption agency, but even so they went around re-looking at everything to be sure that every unused plug socket was covered and following an incident when the baby somehow succeeded in grabbing hold of a trailing lamp lead, they went round again, contriving to find ways to arrange things so he couldn’t reach anything to pull down on him.

On the other hand he was eating much more solids and seemed happier doing so, sitting in his high-chair in the kitchen trying to take the baby spoon from whoever was feeding him despite the fact all that achieved was spreading more gunk all over his face. They let him have a go though as his frustration sometimes ended in tears before Teddy let one of them take over. Instead they added sticks of steamed vegetables and little ‘trees’ of broccoli pieces of soft fruit in a bowl so Teddy could pick those up and aim for his mouth, both parents watching like hawks to be sure he didn’t choke as he gummed at them.

He still liked his milk as well though, especially at night and truth be told, both Seb and Mark liked that part of their routine too, sitting in the rocking chair to feed him and soothe the little boy off, before cleaning those little teeth and putting him down in the cot, fingers crossed he would sleep while they got some time to themselves down in the lounge, curled up in front of the TV before putting themselves to bed as well. Not that they were complaining.

 

 

As the days rolled by they tried to make the most of their time off, doing all the things they had promised themselves they would during the break. They tried out the new baby trailer for the bike, packing it into the boot of their estate car and fixing the bikes onto a rack on the car before heading to the start of the bike trail they had found. Poor Teddy looked quite comical strapped in with a helmet he was less than keen on fixed in place. They took it in turns to have it attached to the back of their bikes seeing as it made it quite a lot heavier and harder to peddle when towing it, not that they were keen to go fast with their son anyway. After a while little Teddy seemed to settle in, the parent who wasn’t pulling him making sure to ride further back so they could see him. They didn’t go too far either seeing as it was a trial run, but as they got back to the car it had gone well enough to be judged a success.

 

“I think we might need to think about getting a bigger car though Liebling,” judged Seb as the two of them hauled the folded trailer to squeeze into the space usually occupied by the dogs.

Mark puffed a breath as they got it wedged in.

“Yeah you might be right.”

“Maybe like a Range Rover or a Land Rover, whichever has the most space.”

Mark chuckled.

“Then we’ll be proper country folk eh?”

Seb shrugged.

“Might be easier.”

“Sure.”

Mark glanced around to where Teddy sat in his car-seat waiting for them to set off.

“Not having to bend down to put his majesty in the car might be a bonus too,” he noted.

 

Sebastian smiled at Teddy playing with the toys attached to his seat.

“I think he liked it.”

"This you mean?"

"Yeah."

“Once we’d got going,” agreed Mark. “Nice gig just sitting there being pulled along. Maybe I should try it?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“Sorry Liebling, but I’m not sure I’d manage towing you.”

Mark shook his head sadly.

“Ah well. Right, let’s get these bikes on and go home for lunch, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Think we’ve definitely earned it.”

Between them they got their bikes strapped in place so they could head home, Mark already thinking that it would be nice when Teddy was older and they could just get a seat on the bike for him, one in front maybe so their arms would be around to protect him. In a year or two maybe. For now at least it was so good to get out and resume another aspect of their exercising together, even if rather changed from when he and Seb used to race up and down the lanes all around where they lived. This was a start at least.

 

They were lucky that the returned good weather held, more or less. Teddy absolutely adored his new paddling pool, sitting in it splashing excitedly in the back garden. The only problem was that he had a tendency to topple over in his excitement, plunging face first into the few inches of warm water every couple of minutes as his parents hurried to lift him back up. In the end they gave up and pulled off t-shirts to just sit in the pool with him, the dogs sniffing around looking as though they would quite like to join them.

“Go on with you,” shooed Mark.

“There’s not room anyway,” explained Seb as they looked put out.

Teddy helpfully splashed more water their way and the dogs scampered off across the lawn to make their own fun, leaving the rest of the family to play, Seb and Mark enjoying seeing their son laughing and babbling away in the sunshine.

 

 

 

 

They had been working on arrangements both for their families coming to visit, and also Teddy’s christening which was planned for the last Saturday before the season started up again at the end of August. The barbecue was to follow it so that they could have a little relaxed celebration with the friends and family at home, an excuse to get people together as well as celebrating Teddy’s new official status.

So far their communications to make the arrangements for the actual christening had been by email, but now they were off they finally got around to accepting the vicar’s invitation to come around to chat about it. Thus a little less than two weeks ahead of the event Mark and Sebastian stood on the doorstep of the vicarage at the edge of the village, a pretty, square Queen Anne building with a well-kept front garden filled with flowers on a little way down a lane from the church itself.

Seb hitched Teddy up as they waited for the door to be answered and looked to Mark.

“I hope she’s nice.”

Mark smiled and placed his hand on Seb’s back reassuringly.

“She seems very friendly in her emails.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian was about to say that if she hadn’t responded positively so far then they wouldn't be here, when the dark green front door swung open to reveal a middle-aged woman with shoulder-length brown hair and a welcoming smile.

“Hello you must be the Vettel-Webbers,” she greeted them cheerily.

“Hi,” smiled Mark offering our a hand which was shook energetically.

Seb went to try the same but the woman waved a hand.

“You’ve got the baby,” she dismissed, smiling in at him as well. “Isn’t he beautiful? Well, come on in. Would you like tea or coffee?”

The woman swept them inside, past a large staircase and into a bright chintzy lounge where a notebook and diary sat out waiting on the coffee table.

“Take a pew,” she encouraged, waving a hand at one of the sofas.

They sat, Mark putting down the baby-bag which they never went anywhere without these days. The woman stayed stood.

“Now then, did you say tea or coffee? Or something else? I think I have juice in the fridge.”

“Um, tea is fine for me,” decided Mark. “Seb?”

“Yes tea thank you,” Seb concurred. “No sugar thanks.”

“Same,” added Mark.

“Great, anything you need for the baby?”

“No we’re good thanks.”

 

As she left them Mark pulled out a toy for Teddy to play with as Seb turned him to sit facing out, all three of them taking in their surroundings. Everything was very tidy and clean, lots of old books filling the bookshelves with flowers in a vase on the table that they guessed came from that well-tended garden.

“She seems nice,” whispered Sebastian.

Mark smiled and nodded. The woman seemed something of a whirl of energy, but it was friendly energy, full of the confidence of a person used to meeting new people and putting them at ease. It was funny, though they had been invited for a ‘chat’ he and Seb had automatically smartened up a little like they used to for meetings with the adoption agency, chinos and shirts exchanged for their usual summer attire of shorts and t-shirts, though that was still what Teddy wore.

 

“Right, here we go then,” announced the woman as she returned with a tray, setting it down on the coffee table before sitting down opposite them.

“Those two are yours,” she indicated before picking up her own mug so there was no confusion.

They thanked her and took polite sips as she did the same before setting her mug down to begin.

“Now then, do I say Mr and Mr Vettel-Webber or...”

“No,” stopped Mark quickly, not wanting any awkwardness. “Mark and Seb.”

He indicated each name, though he suspected that she knew who was who already.

“And Teddy,” added Seb.

“Of course, very good. And people tend to call me Reverend Veronica, but Veronica is just fine, though I have to say some of my older parishoners seem happier to stick with Reverend Green, but I’m really not fussy. So long as people are talking to me and a few listening in return I’m quite content.”

Mark glanced to Seb thinking that she had more complicated naming issues than themselves.

“So, speaking of names,” she continued, “which is rather the point of all this in a way of course, in your emails you said that it’s Teddy Theo Vettel-Webber.”

“Yes.”

“His mother gave him Theo you see,” explained Seb. “So we want him to keep that.”

“Of course.”

 

The vicar's enthusiastic smile softened a little as she looked at the baby, then back up to them. Sebastian was about to continue explaining when he looked to Mark who guessed what he was thinking.

“Um, one thing we wanted to mention,” picked up Mark. “And I guess this might sound a bit strange, but we just wanted to ask that all this stays confidential.”

“Of course.”

“It’s just, it may be us being paranoid, but the last thing we want is anyone in the media getting wind of things.”

“We try so hard to keep our family life private,” added Sebastian.

Mark looked at the vicar.

“I think perhaps you know what we do for a living?”

“Yes,” she confirmed. “I have to admit I did know you lived in the area.”

“We’re just a bit out in the countryside,” Seb explained.

The vicar nodded.

“Very nice. Well to reassure you I should say that in my profession keeping confidences is not a new thing.”

“Sorry.”

“No no, I just meant that’s fine, you need have no concerns. I hope that you might feel you can trust me?”

“Of course we do,” replied Mark. “We just, well we’d rather say.”

“Far better than worrying about it,” she agreed. “So please take my assurances that anything said to me is regarded as private and as far as the christening is concerned it is listed as a private service.”

“Where is it listed?” asked Seb, wondering if that only made him sound more paranoid.

“Just in parish notices, on the board and on our website. ‘Private Christening Service’ for the record and in case you’re worried, that’s quite normal. We wouldn’t include more details anyway. Our church is usually open for anyone to come in, but weddings, funerals, christenings are different and that’s why I list them so people are aware.”

“Oh okay, thanks. Sorry we know it must sound, I don’t know...”

“It’s fine,” she assured. “That’s really why I asked you for this chat, so we can make sure we’ve discussed everything and you’re happy.”

“Thanks. It’s just the media in the past, well, they been a bit…”

“Nosy?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think that’s a polite way of putting it.”

“Well,” she smiled and indicated her collar. “Anything other is rather frowned upon in my job.”

Mark nodded, thinking at least she understood something of being in a public role, judged by onlookers.

“Also some of our friends that are coming, they’re kind of well-known.”

“I shall wear my very smartest dog-collar then,” she joked.

Seb and Mark smiled and relaxed a little as she intended.

“Really though,” the vicar continued. “I promise you need have no concerns. I’m certainly no gossip and no one else needs to be involved in the arrangements other than perhaps my husband who helps me set up and we’re at the quiet end of the village here.”

“Thanks,” nodded Mark. “We’d just hate it if press ended up sniffing around.”

“We’ve even had to ask all our friends and family not to mention it and not to post pictures when they’re here. We don’t like to have to say it, but...”

“But for your peace of mind I’m sure it’s better,” agreed Reverend Veronica. “I’m sure it must be very trying.”

 

Mark put an arm around Seb, knowing how he worried.

“Thanks for putting our minds at rest.”

“No problem. Now I was going to say you’re welcome to take pictures within the church as I get asked that a lot.”

“Oh um, well I think we might still take some, our family maybe,” admitted Seb. “It’s just not posting them online.”

“Very good, well I’m sure they will respect your wishes.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb’s arm a subtle rub, smiling in at Teddy who was being so good while the grown-ups talked. The vicar pulled forwards her notebook and they could see a couple of notes already written which they guessed were questions she had. Glancing down and then back up at them she gave them another smile.

“Right, well I know we’ve got most things sorted, but I just wanted to go through a few things.”

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

“Okay, so you said you’d been in touch with all your guests so I was wondering if you had an idea of how many would be coming?”

Mark looked to Seb.

“Um…”

“We haven’t exactly added it up,” admitted Sebastian.

“More than fifty?” suggested the vicar.

“Oh no I don’t think so do you Liebling?”

“No. Just our families, friends...”

 

Mark tried to tot it all up in his head, some of their friends were bringing partners and family along. When they had sent out invitations it hadn’t been all that formal as to say ‘plus one’ or anything like that. They’d just assumed whoever was coming might mention who would come with them when they replied.

“We didn’t really think to be honest,” he confessed. “I mean seeing as we’re having our thing in the garden it’s not something we considered. Some will bring their kids I think, and our family of course, my sister has her kids and Seb’s sister. We’d not really given it too much thought.”

“We’ve got a big garden you see,” added Seb.

“Very nice, well there’s really plenty of room in the church, certainly more than enough for fifty or so. I was really thinking of parking seeing as you’re based a little way out from the village.”

“Oh right, yeah we will be driving.”

“Our family and a few others will meet at ours but we’ll have to drive down and then some will meet us here,” added Mark already thinking that they would have to share Seb’s family out to get lifts. His own family would have hire cars but he and Seb might both have to drive to get everyone here.

“That’s fine. I’ll make sure that the church hall car-park is open. There is space for a few cars along the lane in front of the church but really only a few. I’d suggest you ask that unless anyone is infirm or has very small children they park at the hall. It’s only a little way down the road, not far to walk.”

“That’s fine,” nodded Seb. “We’re going to be emailing everybody with arrangements.”

“Great.”

 

“We did want to ask about dress code,” he remembered. “You didn’t really say in your emails.”

“Oh, well that’s up to you. It’s your christening so as far as I’m concerned it’s your decision. Some people like to dress up and make it more of an occasion, but the most important thing is that you’re comfortable. It’s a happy day, so whatever works for you.”

Seb and Mark looked at one another.

“Um we sort of thought we’d wear suits but without ties. Does that sound okay?” checked Mark.

“That sounds very smart.”

“We said smart casual to people.”

“Fine. As I say it’s your call.”

“And we haven’t bought Teddy a christening gown or anything, just a little outfit, sort of smartish,” Sebastian added.

The vicar smiled at the chubby baby on Seb’s knee currently chewing on the ear of his toy dinosaur.

“That’s fine. Not many people really do these days, not unless they're handed down through families. Besides he’s not so little is he?”

Seb smiled at Teddy, then looked back to her.

“Not now. He’s really coming on isn’t he Liebling?”

“Yep. Proper little bubba now,” agreed Mark.

“How old did you say he was?”

“Seven and a half months nearly.”

“Very nice. Well he looks the picture of health.”

Sebastian beamed at the praise.

“He was a bit premature. When he was born he was so tiny. It seems such a long time ago.”

“I’m sure.”

“We waited for the summer break to arrange this so everyone’s off you see and now the adoption’s all sorted.”

The woman nodded.

“Very good. Seven months isn’t so old. I’ve actually done adult baptisms.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes there’s no time limit. So, there we go that’s a few things sorted.”

“Thanks for making this so easy,” offered Mark.

The vicar looked at him.

“I wouldn't want it to be any other way. We’re really not about being too formal. Or _I’m_ not at any rate. As I see it a christening is a day to celebrate a child being a part of a family and God’s family of course, but really all about how much they are loved and welcomed into the world.”

“That sounds nice,” offered Seb.

“Thank you. We want to be welcoming to all. I did want to mention that you would be welcome at services any time.”

 

Sebastian glanced awkwardly at Mark. They’d noted that any emphasis on attending church regularly had been omitted from their discussions.

“Thank you,” replied Mark. “That’s good to know.”

“It’s just we’re away a lot,” Seb excused.

The vicar nodded.

“Of course. And I suppose you’re often working on Sundays.” She saw Seb looked a little awkward again and shook her head. “Don’t worry. I work Sundays too.”

Mark laughed and moved his hand to pat Seb’s knee.

“Well there we go sweetheart. That’s something we’ve got in common.”

She smiled over at them.

“Indeed. Well, just so you know that the door is always open. Perhaps Teddy is a little small yet, but we have Sunday School and once a month we run Messy Church which is aimed at toddlers up to twelve.”

“Messy church?” frowned Seb wondering what on earth they would let children do to that beautiful old church down the lane.

“Ah, yes it does sound odd if you’ve not been I suppose,” she realised, seeing his expression. “It’s just an hour or so of fun activities, arts and crafts, getting a bit messy as the name implies. We have it in the hall on a Sunday afternoon. Just turn up and stay and play. We do lots of fun activities like make Christmas cards or decorate Easter eggs, that kind of thing.”

“Oh I see.”

“It’s always advertised on the parish notice boards and our website and we put up posters at the school to invite everyone. Keeps the kids busy and it’s just a nice afternoon. One of my favourite activities actually. You’d be more than welcome to pop along.”

“Maybe when he’s a bit bigger,” agreed Mark.

 

“Of course. Well, as for the christening, did you have any more questions?”

Seb shrugged.

“Um should we get here early, with the godparents maybe?”

“A little earlier might be an idea. You don’t want to be hanging around too long with a little one. I tell you what, I’ll send you an order of service so you have an idea, but I try to keep it fairly short, particularly if there are children present. A few hymns, a bit of homily and then the actual baptism.”

“Thanks.”

“Did you have any hymns you’d like?”

“Oh um…”

“I can’t say we’re experts,” admitted Mark. “Something upbeat, easy to sing. I’m not known for my singing voice.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking about Mark singing karaoke.

“I don’t think either of us are.”

“Ability is not important. Enthusiasm is appreciated,” offered the vicar. “I’ll send a few ideas and then I can get the little booklet printed up for all your guests to follow during the service.”

“That sounds great, thanks,” nodded Mark.

“Yes thank you.”

 

“Not a problem,” smiled the vicar looking up from making quick notes. “I’m sure we’ll have a lovely morning. It’s nice to meet you in person at last.”

“You too.”

“Although I think I have seen you out running before now.”

“Oh?”

“Yes you are rather distinctive with your running buggy.”

Mark huffed a little laugh, wondering how many in the village noticed them and knew who they were without ever saying anything.

“We like to go to the coffee shop,” explained Seb. “It’s sort of part of our routine.”

The vicar nodded.

“It’s usually when I’m out walking my dog. I’ll have to say hello next time.”

“Do,” replied Mark.

“We don’t really know that many people in the village,” admitted Sebastian.

“Well I’m sure that will change,” offered the woman. “Actually I meant to say, there’s a baby and toddler group once a week in the church hall. I don’t run it, but I was going to ask if you might be interested? I could put you in touch with the woman who runs it.”

“Um, maybe.”

 

Seb looked at Teddy thinking they really ought to socialise him a bit more now he was getting older. So far he spent almost all his life surrounded by adults, only occasionally seeing his little cousin Sofie.

“All are welcome,” she assured. “I go occasionally, just to help out with teas and coffees but there tends to be maybe a dozen or so go. Really it’s just a social thing for little ones and mums, oh and dads, have a chat while the little ones play, a few games and songs, that kind of thing.”

Mark raised an eyebrow at her little addition.

“Do any dads go?”

“Um, well, I’m not sure,” she admitted. “But I’m sure you’d be welcome. They’re very friendly. Perhaps I could email the details as well for you to look at?”

“Sure.”

“There’s just a £2 voluntary fee for those who can afford it.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“I think we could probably scrape that together.”

“Well, it’s just to make sure everyone’s included. Just to cover refreshments and running costs.”

“Sure.”

 

Mark glanced to Seb seeing the way he was looking at Teddy. He guessed what he was thinking. Their son was already going to be different to other kids. Perhaps they needed to do more to help integrate him?

“Did you say you had a dog?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Oh, yes. I left him out in the garden seeing as you were coming. I wasn’t sure how Teddy would feel about dogs.”

Sebastian smiled, perking up at that.

“We have two dogs at home. Teddy loves them.”

“Oh really? That’s nice.”

“What kind do you have?”

“He’s a golden retriever. Big daft thing really, but very friendly. Would you like to meet him?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah I reckon that’d be nice.”

 

She stood and directed them to follow her along down to the kitchen and outside into a large back garden equally neat and tidy as the front had been. The woman put two fingers in her mouth and in a most un-vicarly-like gesture, blew a loud whistle to call over the dog running around at the far end. As the light-golden coloured dog bounded over Sebastian hitched Teddy just a fraction higher.

“You have a lovely garden,” he offered.

“Oh thank you. All my husband's work really. He’s the green thumb. It’s what he likes to do to relax.”

“Is he at work now?”

“Yes.” The dog had rushed up now and the woman ducked down to give him a rub. “Hello you silly thing, yes yes. Now be good, we have guests.”

While she gave him a rub to calm him down Mark dipped down to do the same.

“Full of energy,” he noted.

“Ha, I’ll say. Number of breakages we have in the house you wouldn't believe.”

“Sounds familiar.”

“Does it? Well you’ll know then, but how can you blame him when he’s such a lovely creature? He’s really very affectionate. Yes you are. Good boy.”

 

The dog was already pushing his nose into Mark looking for extra strokes. Seb had been watching to see how he behaved and how Teddy seemed, but the baby was looking at the dog, reaching out his hand to stroke him as he did their dogs so Sebastian ducked down with him.

“Now Glenn this is little Teddy,” warned the vicar, “be extra gentle.”

As Teddy haphazardly patted the dog it merely pressed his nose in to sniff at him. The baby looked curiously at this animal, then decided that even if it was a different colour it was much the same as the ones he knew and patted that damp black nose.

Sebastian hesitated, about to say he ought not to when Teddy smiled and did it again, the dog sitting still to allow him before opening his mouth and licking the tiny hand.

“Oh Glenn no,” chided the vicar, going to pull him away.

Teddy however reached out again and began laughing so Seb left him as he was, looking over to Mark who shrugged.

“Love doggies don’t you kiddo?” he looked to the vicar. “It’s fine. He’s used to them isn’t he Seb?”

Sebastian nodded, thinking there was no point fussing when Teddy was quite happy and the dog was plainly as soft-hearted as their own. They had baby wipes in the bag. He’d just clean Teddy up when they got to the car.

“Nice doggy,” he assured his son as he tried pawing at him once again.

Teddy was gurgling and laughing, clearly happy to have made a new friend. At home his parents were trying to relax a little with how much they let Shadow and Simba fuss over him and be fussed in return. They really were very patient, only ever moving away if he prodded them in a way they didn’t like, never barking at him. Mark smiled as this dog reacted in the same way. He was sure well-looked-after family dogs understood to make allowances for small children.

 

 

 

Later that afternoon they sat in their own garden, the dogs with them by the blanket as Teddy sat by his parents, petting them in just the same way as he had the other dog. Mark and Seb watched as their son gurgled and burbled half-formed words and sounds whilst looking at the dogs who let him bury his little hand in their fur.

“You know I’d bet he’s telling them all about the other dog he met today,” suggested Mark.

“Probably.”

Mark huffed a laugh as he watched the way the dogs looked right back at the baby as he burbled. Shadow nosing into his arm as Teddy wavered a little to the side to keep him upright.

“Who’s raising him, huh? Us or you?” he smiled as he gave them a rub. “Teddy your puppy huh?”

“Ach he’s not a puppy.”

“Isn’t he?” teased Mark. “I think Shadow and Simba beg to differ darling.”

 

Sebastian rolled his eyes but as Teddy gurgled with laughter at the dogs he had to confess he was glad to see how good their relationship was. It was reassuring to know they would protect him just as much as though he really was their puppy. Seb reached to straighten Teddy’s sunhat, then glanced up at the few clouds in the sky.

“Liebling it’s meant to be really nice on Thursday. Do you think we should have a day out?”

“You fancy a trip?”

“Well I was thinking before we really need to get busy sorting things out for people coming to stay next week.”

“Sure. Okay then. Were you thinking of the beach?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Might be fun. I know we’d have to take a lot of things with us and it’s quite a long way but…” He shrugged. “I dunno. What do you think?”

Mark smiled and leaned over to give Seb a kiss.

“I think it’s a great idea sweetheart. We can have a play at home tomorrow and get everything ready.”  


“We don’t have to stay as long as last time.”

“Ah he’ll kip in the car won’t he? Let’s do it.” Mark reached to chub Teddy’s cheek. “We’re gonna have a little adventure kiddo.”

 

 

 

 

Early on Thursday morning they were up early packing the car boot with every essential they could think of, putting extra onto the back seat beside the baby seat so there was room for the dogs in the boot as well. As Seb stood holding Teddy while Mark crammed the new sun shelter along the floor of the back seat he jigged him up and gave him a smile.

“Daddy’s getting it all ready Schatz, nearly time to go.”

Mark stood back up.

“You know I think you might be right about getting a bigger car.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Guess we should start looking. Maybe if we get a bit of free time in the autumn.”

Seb huffed a little laugh thinking the autumn wasn’t likely to afford him much free time, but if Mark was home for some races then it might be something to keep him busy.

“Sure. That sounds good. Now is there anything we’ve forgotten?”

“The dogs?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“You stick him in. I’ll go get em.”

 

 

 

Two hours later they were off the motorway and A roads, pootling up the lanes they vaguely remembered from a year ago as they followed the satnav’s instructions. The weather was just as fine, if not even hotter in mid-August. Poor Teddy had already been smothered in suncream despite his protests back at the house and the little screens were up at the back windows to protect him, but for now just as Mark had predicted, the baby lay fast asleep in his seat, lulled off by the warmth and the steady motion of the car as they travelled.

When they eventually parked up in the sandy lay-by next to the dunes Seb and Mark turned around in their seats to look at their son.

“Bless him, totally out for the count,” observed Mark.

“Do you think we should leave him for a bit?”

“I reckon we should sort everything out, give the dogs a drink and by the time we’ve done that he’ll probably have woken up.”

“Oh, yeah okay.”

 

As the dogs lapped up water from a couple of plastic bowls Seb nodded over to a rather beaten-up Volvo parked on the other side.

“Someone else is here Liebling.”

“On our private beach? How dare they?”

Sebastian smiled at Mark teasing him.

“I guess there’s plenty of room. No sign they’ve got kids.”

“Hm?”

“I was thinking with the dogs.”

“Oh I see, well we’ll keep them on leads till we see the coast’s clear.”

“Literally.”

“Ha, yeah pretty much. Right, whatcha fancy? Baby or backpack?”

“Um.” Sebastian looked to the uneven sandy slope up the dunes, worrying what might happen if he fell carrying Teddy. “Do you mind taking him?”

“Course not. Bag weighs a tonne.”

Sebastian smiled and tried lifting it. Mark wasn’t wrong, but they could put the backpack down once they were on the beach seeing as they had their little shelter to store things in.

“Will you be alright with him?”

“Course.” Mark picked up the foldaway sun shelter. “This can be my walking stick.”

“Ah, okay.”

“Tsk, missed opportunity to tease me about needing one there sweetheart.”

“Mark.”

“Forty-one in ten days time.”

Sebastian came and kissed him on the cheek.

“Then this can count as one of your treats then can’t it Liebling?”

Mark smiled and kissed him back.

“Guess it can. Are there other treats?”

“Any treats you like.”

“Blimey, there’s a promise. Right, let’s see if this little one’s ready to go exploring.”

 

Mark leaned into the car to lift him out as Sebastian found his sunhat to put on the baby.

“Here we go little man. Papa’s got your hat.”

Seb fitted it on then took Teddy so Mark could pull the carrier onto his front before placing him in it, facing out these days so the baby could see where they were going.

“That okay?” he checked.

“Yep, we’re good aren’t we buddy?”

While Mark made sure Teddy was happy, Seb fixed the leads on the dogs, then double checked they had everything they needed and pulled on the backpack before adding the baby-bag. Both he and Mark were wearing caps and sunglasses though Teddy steadfastly refused to wear his. He was pretty good at losing his sunhat as well, so Pauline had sewed on a strap of narrow elastic to tuck under his chin and that had largely resolved that problem, which Seb thought a good job seeing as there was something of a breeze out here on the coast.

 

Mark huffed a laugh at the sight of Seb.

“You do look laden down darling.”

“I’m okay.”

“You’re alright with the boys too?”

“Sure. They can pull me up.”

“Ha, good plan. Right then, onwards and upwards.”

 

Seb made sure the car was locked up then they set off up the dune, the dry sand shifting beneath their sandal-clad feet making it twice as arduous. Mark stuck the end of the shelter poles into the sand to help keep balance while Sebastian tried to keep the dogs from actually pulling him over. They made slow progress and it was quite a trek. As they got to the flatter bit at the top they paused for a breather before going further on to where they could see out to the wide expanse of the beach spreading beneath a bright blue sky, the sun already high in the sky.

The journey had taken longer due to the fact they had stopped at the last service station to change Teddy, and use the facilities, deciding to stop for a coffee and getting a bottle warmed in the hope that would keep their son happy until their picnic lunch. For now he seemed quite happy, burbling to himself as they slowly made their way down onto the beach.

“They’re over there,” observed Seb.

“Hm?”

“The other people. Over by the bird sanctuary.”

Mark looked to the left and could just make out the outline of two people in the far distance towards the marshy estuary where the river met the sea.

“Don’t think they’re gonna bother us are they?” he commented.

“No I think they’re bird-spotting. Didn’t that man say people came here for that last year?”

“Each to their own,” agreed Mark. “Right. Shall we go along a bit, then make camp?”

“Sure.”

 

Seb let the dogs off their leads, allowing them to run around releasing some of their pent-up energy from the long journey, he and Mark only encouraging them to keep going in the same direction as they were, heading south, away from the estuary end of the beach. They found a spot where the dunes dipped in to give a little natural alcove, then set up their own shelter there, just at the edge of the main beach. After arranging their things inside to both stay cooler and keep it weighed down, Seb attempted to put more sunscreen on Teddy, laying him out on a towel in the shadow of the dune. Teddy wailed and kicked his legs so Mark came over to help, both of them ending up with as much cream on themselves as their son.

“Alright alright,” soothed Mark. “Done now, calm down mate.”

Teddy pouted and scowled up at them so Mark rubbed over his tummy.

“You wouldn't like it if you got burnt kiddo.”

“Ah why does he make it such hard work?” sighed Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“I dunno sweetheart. He doesn’t understand does he?”

“Guess not.”

The dogs came over to look now the baby was quieting down, Simba nuzzling at the baby.

“See darling, even the boys are saying it’s okay now,” assured Mark as he sat Teddy up.

“Don’t lick him,” admonished Sebastian to the dogs who looked as though they might be planning it.

“No you won’t like the taste.”

“I meant so we don’t have to put more on him.”

“Oh, yeah good point. Okay boys go have a run around while we sort stuff.”

 

Mark looked for a bit of driftwood, then lobbed it into the far distance for the dogs to scamper off after while he and Seb kept an eye on their son at the same time as they made sure they too were properly coated in sunscreen. Teddy had thankfully settled down, but now he sat reaching out to the sand with his pudgy little hands, feeling how warm and strange it felt, then trying to pick some up to put in his mouth.

“Ah aha ah!” warned Mark. “No you don’t. We brought a picnic sunshine and this is not it.”

“Make you poorly Teddybär,” warned Seb. He picked him up to sit on his lap then looked to Mark. “Do you think he’s hungry?”

“He had a bottle forty minutes ago.”

“I know but…”

Mark nodded and went to the cool bag they had fitted in the backpack, delving inside for one of the many little tubs then returning to the towel to offer it to Seb.

“Banana,” he stated as he opened the lid.

“Here we are Teddy. Have a bit of this,” offered Sebastian.

He took out a small piece of banana and put it in Teddy’s hand. The baby looked at it then threw it into the sand.

“Oh. Maybe he’s not hungry then?” frowned Seb.

Mark took a sip of water from the bottle he had also fetched and shrugged. Then as Seb went to closed the plastic container Teddy clumsily reached into it and grasped a piece of banana, squishing it slightly before shoving his hand at his mouth, getting some in there and rather more on his face. Mark chuckled and shook his head as the baby tried again.

“Stubborn little soul.”

“He likes feeding himself.”

“Hmm, think he’s wearing most of it, but never mind. You want a drink?”

Sebastian nodded and set the tub on Teddy’s knee for him to help himself while Mark passed him the water bottle. They let Teddy eat as much as he wanted while they relaxed, Mark re-throwing the stick for the dogs to keep them busy until Teddy was ready to be cleaned up.

 

“Fancy a stroll?” asked Mark.

“Yep. Can you take him a sec?”

Mark did so Seb could stand, then passed him back and stood himself, shaking out the towel and folding it to leave in the shelter with the rest of their things. Then they set out to walk closer to the shore, showing the sea to Teddy who was busy watching the dogs running in and out of the spray.

“Reckon he’d like a paddle?” wondered Mark.

“Do you want to go in the sea Teddybär?” Seb enquired.

 

They wandered in a couple of inches having left their sandals back with their things, then Seb ducked down to hold Teddy so he could dangle his bare feet in the water, keeping him facing them. As the tide rushed inland the baby squealed at the cold water, pulling his legs up and making his parents laugh at the expression on his face.

“Not keen on the cold are you buddy?” noted Mark.

“Ahba Dada.”

“Mm.”

Teddy clutched into Seb.

“ _Dada_ ,” he complained.

Sebastian stood up with him and looked to Mark.

“He’s used to warm water.”

“Yeah not the Med is it mate?”

Mark rubbed over Teddy’s arm then pointed to some rock pools further along.

“Let’s try there instead,” he proposed.

 

They walked on, just a little in from the water’s edge where the dogs still played, Shadow and Simba only noticing after another minute that the family were ahead of them, causing them to race to keep up. When they reached a largish but shallow pool Sebastian sat on the rock to the side holding Teddy on his knee as Mark waded in to look for anything interesting. The dogs peered in curiously from the other side.

“Ooh look Liebling, there’s a crab,” pointed Seb. “Do you see it?”

Mark scoured the shallow water, then spotted it, reaching his hand down to scoop out the crab with the palm of his hand and coming to show it to the baby who frowned, then tried touching it, squealing when it scuttled sideways.

“Ah it’s only a tiny one,” assured Mark. “Like you mate, just a little nipper. Not gonna do you any harm.”

The dogs came round to look as well, sniffing at the crab.

“I think it’s scared Liebling,” commented Seb.

“Hm, yeah alright. Here we go matey, back you go, safe and sound.”

Mark put his hand under the water and the crab quickly swam away to find a darkened spot where it could hide. Mark found another one, this time just the shell of dead crab, though a little larger.

“Here you go kiddo. Wanna hold this?”

Seb frowned.

“Is it clean?”

“Ah it’s not gonna kill him sweetheart.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian held the baby’s hand out with his own for Mark to place the crab shell on it.

“It’s just the shell Teddybär,” he explained.

“An ex-crab,” noted Mark. “Reckon a seagull got him.”

“Ahba Dada.”

Mark chuckled and peered in with Teddy.

“What’s that darling? Does it feel funny?”

The baby babbled some more, then laughed and tried scrunching the shell in his hand, frowning at how hard it was.

“Oh no, sharp bit Liebling,” warned Seb, pulling his fingers back from a broken bit at the edge.

Teddy made an unhappy noise so Mark picked it up to show him instead to avoid the issue, Teddy poking his nose in comically, then crinkling his brow.

“Maybe he’s wondering why it doesn’t move?” suggested Sebastian.

“Maybe.” Mark put it back and looked for something else, finding some seaweed and offering that to Teddy instead. “Try this mate, hm? Squishy.”

 

Teddy played with the wet seaweed for a while, then tried to put it in his mouth before Seb whipped it away.

“No Teddy not food.”

“Well in Japan…”

Seb gave Mark a look.

“No mate Papa’s right, not food,” he relented, taking the seaweed back to put back in the water.

“We don’t know where it’s been.”

“No well…”

Mark thought that the seaweed had mostly been in this pool of clear water, but there was no point arguing and in fairness he suspected their son wouldn't like it if he tried chewing on it. Teddy was whining now at having things taken away from him though so Mark offered out his arms.

“This water’s warm. You want to try it Teddy? Have a little paddle.”

Sebastian let Mark take the baby where he was ducked down in front of them. As Mark lowered Teddy so his toes went into the still water warmed by the sun. Seb copied them, dipping his own feet into the water from where he sat on the side.

“Oh it is warmer isn’t it?” he realised.

“Yep. Nice isn’t it Teddy?”

Teddy kicked his legs about so Mark lowered him down more, letting his feet touch the rock floor. Sebastian stood and came to join them.

“Watch out it’s a bit slippy in places,” warned Mark.

“Oh, yeah, be careful.”

“Yes darling I’ve got him.”

 

The pool was only a dozen feet across, but in the middle it got a little deeper, though only to perhaps a foot of water. To make more room for Seb coming in off the rocky side, Mark edged backwards, keeping Teddy so he only got his lower legs wet, not allowing the water to reach as far as his little shorts just above those chubby knees.

Seb was adjusting to the water, finding a flat spot to duck down with them when Mark moved a little further backwards and all of a sudden his left foot was on a slimy rock coated in sea algae that afforded no grip whatsoever. As he tried to steady himself Mark unbalanced and toppled backwards, plunging arse first into the water. Seb gasped but Mark had no hands spare to stop himself splashing down as he was too busy hurriedly holding Teddy as high up as he could to stop him going in.

“Oh Liebling!”

“Take him!”

Sebastian grabbed hold of Teddy as the dogs splashed into the water as if rushing to the rescue. Unfortunately all they did was to send more water Mark’s way. Mark sighed as he sat waist high in the deepest part of pool, looking up at Seb now stood holding the baby safely away.

“Are you okay?”

Mark huffed and then looked down at himself, seeing both how soaked he was and how ridiculous he looked plonked into the water. Seb tried holding Teddy into one arm and offered out a hand, but Mark shook his head.

“No darling step out. I don’t want you to fall too.”

“Are you alright though?”

“I’m just wet. Yes thank you Simba, now I’m wetter.”

 

Sebastian looked for a dry flat bit of rock to carefully climb out onto then turned back to Mark who was inelegantly clambering out of the water, now trying not to fall over the dogs in his way. A moment later he was stood on dry land, rapidly making it less dry as he dripped all over it seeing Mark’s shorts were soaked and most of his t-shirt was too.

“Oh Liebling,” sympathised Sebastian. “You’re drenched.”

Mark looked down at himself and shook his head.

“Well that didn’t go as planned.”

 

There was a part of Mark that wanted to be annoyed, but then Sebastian smiled and leaned in to kiss him.

“My hero.” He lifted Teddy higher and pressed his cheek by Mark’s as a kiss. “Daddy’s our hero isn’t he Teddybär?”

Mark huffed a little laugh, but Seb shook his head.

“The way you saved him then.”

“It’s only water.”

“No Liebling. All instinct. You protected him at your expense. Are you sure you’re not hurt?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Think I might have bruised my arse a bit.”

Seb laughed a little.

“I’ll kiss it better.”

Mark chuckled.

“Not in front of our little one darling.”

“No. Later.”

 

Mark smiled then huffed a breath as he looked at himself again. The dogs were still happily splashing in the water, unbothered by such things as getting wet.

“What do you want to do?” asked Sebastian.

“Hmm?”

“Your clothes.”

“Oh they’ll dry.”

“Shall we go back and have a sit?”

“Sure.”

 

They walked back to their little base, Seb sitting Teddy in the shelter and giving him a toy to play with while he offered towels to Mark.

“I’ll dry quicker without.”

“Without towels?”

“No this.”

Mark plucked at his wet t-shirt then pulled it off and placed it on some pampas grass tufting out of the dunes to the side. Then he looked down at his shorts which were far wetter and pulled at the waistband.

“No one about is there?” he checked.

“No. You’ll be fine.”

Mark peeled his soaked long shorts off and arranged them near his t-shirt to dry, then he looked at his wet underwear and laughed.

“Think I’d better leave these on.”

Sebastian laughed as well as he passed him a towel.

“They look like trunks anyway Liebling.”

“Guess so. Good job I didn’t pick white ones today.”

Seb looked at Teddy to check he was okay, then back at Mark to see him setting out the damp towel.

“Think I’ll just have a little sunbathe to dry off. You alright there?”

“Sure.”

 

Seb went to sit in the shelter with Teddy while Mark laid out under the sun, getting out a wipe to clean his hands from the things he had been holding. He picked Teddy up to rest on his lap and pulled his sunhat off while he didn’t need it, then kissed the top of his head.

“Daddy keeps us safe doesn’t he Teddybär?”

Teddy turned and looked at him so Seb smiled and kissed his nose as well, then caught Mark looking at them, their eyes locking before Mark reached out a hand and seeing as it was the only part of him he could reach from where he lay, stroking a finger along the arch of Seb’s foot where it stuck out of the shelter. He didn’t say anything, simply giving Sebastian a little nod that told him that would always be true, then tipped his cap over his eyes and let himself bake under the sun as it approached its zenith at midday.

Seb leaned in to whisper in Teddy’s ear.

“Daddy’s an Aussie Teddybär. He likes his sun. We’ll just stay in here have a play.”

 

Teddy kept Seb amused as Mark dried out, turning over to lie on his front after ten minutes or so, then Sebastian noticed the bottle tucked inside the shelter and called over.

“Liebling don’t you want some more suncream on?”

Mark lifted his head from the towel.

“Hm? Oh, yeah guess I’d better.”

He got up to put some on his front, then Seb set Teddy to sit beside him while he rubbed cream into Mark’s back.

“You’re all warm.”

“Feels warm. You guys okay in here?”

“Sure. Shall we have our picnic now?”

“Yeah why not?” Mark looked at the dogs curled up in the sand. “You boys hungry too?” Din-dins?”

Shadow and Simba lifted their heads and Mark laughed.

“Take it that’s a yes. Right then, let’s sort lunch then. I am kinda peckish.”

 

They set out the rug and food on it, Mark giving the dogs their food and more water as Sebastian arranged things so Teddy could sit in the shelter protected from the sun. He and Mark tried feeding the baby some cold puréed fruit and some baby rice-pudding but Teddy preferred the tubs on offer with more chopped banana and mixed cooked vegetables that the baby gummed at.

“Do you think he’s having enough?” worried Seb as Mark cleaned up the baby’s chin again.

“Ah he’s fine. Aren’t you mate?”

Sebastian opened up another container to offer something else to the baby, watching as he tried to grab a broccoli stalk and mash it in his mouth. There was a lot of food wasted, but Seb had to presume Teddy got what he needed and at least he was trying things. They could warm him a bottle back at the car and give him more at home.

“Have some water Kleiner,” he offered, holding out a fresh bottle to feed him some.

 

Eventually they got around to feeding themselves as well, eating the salads and sandwiches and fruit crammed into the cool-bag in addition to drinking plenty of the water that had made the backpack so heavy for Seb to carry earlier. Then when they had finished they packed away and made up a little bed for Teddy to lie on from a couple of spare hoodies with towels folded up at the sides to stop him rolling out, making sure everything else in the shelter was well out of the way.

Seb and Mark then arranged themselves just outside the shelter to sunbathe for a while as the baby dropped off for a nap, the dogs in turn napping a little way over on the sand, piling in together just as their masters did. Mark had pulled back on his now dried clothes so Sebastian lay into him, resting on his chest as they both watched their son sleeping, his chubby little face in repose as he breathed, arms splayed out as his chest went steadily up and down.

“He dropped right off,” noted Seb quietly.

“Yeah well it’s warm. Makes you tired somehow doesn’t it?”

“Mm.”

Mark rubbed gently over Seb’s arm where he had it wrapped around him.

“You tired too sweetheart?”

“No, not really. This is just nice.”

“Good.”

“Are you tired Liebling?”

“Hmm, just nice to chill out.”

“In the sun.”

“Like a cat.”

Sebastian laughed into Mark.

“Don’t tell Shadow and Simba.”

Mark laughed along with him, then let out a long sigh.

“This is the life eh?”

“Yeah.”

Seb sighed out to match Mark. He was wrapped up nicely with his husband in the middle of the summer break, here on the warm sand under the warm sun with only a gentle breeze where they were tucked in the dunes here. They had nothing better to do than laze about watching their son sleeping, safe and happy with nothing to worry about. Pure bliss.

 

It wasn’t until Teddy woke up and began trying to crawl out to his parents that they got up, giving Teddy a cuddle and another drink before realising the wriggling and pouting meant their son needed a nappy change. It wasn’t the easiest of tasks here, but at least the open air meant the smell didn’t hang around, though Mark double-bagged the dirty nappy before stashing it to one side.

“There’s a bin at the car park,” noted Sebastian.

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Yeah we’re not doing a two hour drive with that for company. Oof kiddo, seriously, how d’you even manage that?”

Seb was busy redressing the baby as Mark gave his hands another wipe.

“We should put more suncream on him,” Seb reminded him.

Mark puffed a breath and went to fetch the bottle. Time for another battle.

 

 

Once they had achieved that and succeeded in getting his sunhat firmly fixed back in place despite the baby’s attempts to push it away, they took him down to the beach proper where they sat on the flat sand letting him crawl around, the dogs nosing in around him until Mark found another piece of driftwood to lob out for them to keep busy chasing after. Seb helped Teddy sit up facing them, making a pile of sand for him to pat at. As the baby squashed another soft pile Mark made it back up again.

“Making sandcastles aren’t we mate?”

Teddy bashed his hand down again making his parents laugh.

“Guess not,” accepted Mark.

Teddy looked at his sandy hand and went to lift it to his mouth to lick, but they were wise to this now, Seb catching Teddy’s arm to stop him. As he dusted it clean Mark nipped back to find the pack of wipes so they could clean him up, Teddy pulling a face and grizzling.

“Sand’s not nice darling,” advised Mark.

Teddy pouted and tried to snatch his hand back, but Mark made sure it was clean before sticking the pack in one of his deep shorts pockets as Sebastian picked Teddy up.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” he proposed.

“Sure.”

 

Mark whistled the dogs who came running over, presenting him with the slightly chewed weathered stick which he threw in the direction they were walking now, going the opposite way to before. They swapped over a few times, each taking their turn carrying Teddy or throwing the stick for the dogs until they got too close to the bird reserve and they stopped, showing Teddy some of the ‘birdies’ and boats in the distance travelling up the estuary inland to the harbour. Then they turned back around, heading back to their base.

“What time did you say was high-tide darling?” checked Mark.

“4.02pm today.”

“Very precise.” Mark huffed a laugh, then seeing his diffident smile kissed Seb’s cheek. “I’d expect no less of you sweetheart.”

He hitched Teddy up, trying to look at his watch.

“How are we for time?”

“Getting on for three,” stated Seb.

“Blimey that’s flown.”

“Yeah.”

“Ah well, we’ll want to be getting back.”

“Shall we just have a last little play?”

“Sure.”

 

To the side of where their shelter was set, the dunes rose upwards. The topmost part was studded with tall pampas grass, but in the centre there was a stretch of pure sand. As they walked towards it Mark had an idea.

“Can you take him a sec?”

“Hm? Oh, okay.”

As Sebastian took the baby Mark grinned and dashed off, getting halfway up the sandy slope before turning and sitting down, sliding easily down the loose sand on his behind to the harder flat sand compacted at the bottom. Seb laughed as he watched, turning to his son.

“Daddy’s thought of a game Schatz.”

Mark bounced up to join them.

“Yeah?”

“Sure.”

Seb went over with him, Mark just going a couple of metres up so Seb only had to take a step or so up before passing Teddy to him. Mark sat him on his knee, one arm around his son, another balancing them on the slope before lifting his feet and sliding down to where Sebastian waited at the bottom ready to catch Teddy if it went wrong.

It didn’t though. With the sand so dry in this heat it was a smooth ride and Teddy laughed excitedly, clearly enjoying it.

“Well he likes his slide at home,” noted Seb.

“Yep. You want a go?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian tried climbing up, finding his balance where he stopped on the slope, then sitting around, holding out his arms to take Teddy and slowly sliding down. Mark stood watchfully at the bottom just as Seb had done, though he knew it wasn’t likely to be necessary. It made him smile to see how cautious and slow Seb was with their son when he knew that on his own Seb would doubtless happily hurl himself down full-pelt from the top. That wasn’t how things worked now though. As Mark lifted Teddy up so Seb could stand he shared that smile with both of them.

“Fun?”

“Yeah I think he likes it.”

“Shall we have a little race?”

Sebastian laughed, knowing they couldn't really do that when one of them held a child, but he nodded.

“Sure why not?”

 

They took it in turns to be the one to climb up first, the other passing Teddy over, then scrambling up to join them and then ‘racing’ to the bottom. It was silly and they never really got much speed up, though they did venture just a little higher as their confidence grew. The dogs who had been watching from the bottom decided to join in, though their version really only involved scampering up and down the dune before reaching the bottom in a messy sandy heap, far less controlled than their masters.

After a while Seb and Mark stayed stopped in place at the bottom of the slope, Seb holding Teddy as they all laughed, Mark reaching in to tickle Teddy’s tummy.

“Like that dontcha matey?”

“Da, Dada bah gu-gu-guh,” Teddy replied before descending into peals of laughter.

Bother parents laughed along, wondering what on earth he was saying that was so funny to him.

“Dada?” tried Seb. “Is Dada funny Kleiner?”

“I like to think so,” grinned Mark.

Sebastian bounced Teddy up to face them both as he and Mark leaned back into the sand they hand dragged down the slope to now make quite a heap behind them.

“Dada bapah _gah,_ ” emphasised Teddy.

“Gah indeed,” agreed Mark.

The baby gurgled on and Sebastian sighed.

“I wish I could understand what he’s trying to say.”

Mark fitted an arm around him as Seb sat the baby to lean back against his bent up knees.

“We’ll get there sweetheart. Hm? Won’t we Teddy? Before we know it you’ll be talking away to Daddy and Papa won’t you?”

“Dada bapah.”

“That’s it.”

 

Mark stroked his cheek, then smiled at Seb.

“You’re looking a little pink darling.”

“Am I?”

Mark lifted Seb’s cap off to have a better look at him.

“Yeah. Beautiful.”

He kissed that pink cheek, then sighed as he looked out at the gorgeous view in front as well as sat next to him. There were a few wispy white clouds passing, but other than that it was still a perfect rich blue sky, the sea darker blue below stretching out to the horizon beyond the sand. There was rather less of that sand now he noticed. The rock pools they had played in that morning were lost to the sea and Mark could tell how much higher the tide was now. He checked his watch, thinking that though they’d not come far down the beach from the path, they still didn’t want to get stranded.

“Nearly half three darling.”

“Guess we should go.”

“Mm, tell you what. I just want to grab a few photos first then we’ll crack on, yeah?”

“Yeah that’d be nice.”

Mark smiled at Teddy.

“Need some nice pics of our lovely day Teddy.”

Teddy babbled something so Mark rubbed his arm.

“Too right mate. Okay, you stay with Papa. One mo.”

 

He stood, going to retrieve his phone tucked away in an inside pocket hidden in the backpack while Seb stayed talking to Teddy, calling back the dogs from running too far off.

“We have had a lovely day haven’t we?” agreed Seb. “Hm? Had a lovely day with Daddy and Papa?”

“Dada.”

“Yes.”

Sebastian gave him a kiss, reminding himself that for now that seemed equivalent to ‘parent’ to their son.

“Dada Papa,” he offered.

“Dada Bapah,” echoed Teddy.

“Yeah near enough,” Seb accepted. “Dada Papa.”

“Dada Papah.”

Sebastian stopped.

“What?”

“Dada Papah,” Teddy repeated, then laughed as if amused at either his own cleverness or the astonished look on his father's face. “Dada Papa.”

“Oh my god!”

 

Sebastian hurriedly tried to stand whilst holding him, looking for Mark just tucked in beside the dune.

“Mark! _Mark!”_

“What?”

Mark pelted it out, worrying at the call.

“He said it,” Seb announced excitedly.

“Said what?”

He was close now, still looking to see what might be wrong.

“He said it,” repeated Sebastian, beaming from ear to ear. “He said Papa.”

“Oh. Oh my god, darling you scared me then. I thought something awful had happened.”

“Oh sorry Liebling. Sorry. I just got excited.”

 

Mark shook his head and let out a sighed breath before rubbing Seb’s arm at how happy he looked.

“That’s okay. Wow. Well then young man. You saying Papa now?”

Sebastian hitched Teddy to see both of them.

“Say it for Daddy Liebling. Dada Papa.”

 

Teddy laughed and Mark chuckled as well at his failure to perform on demand. He knew it was important to Seb though so he looked at the baby.

“Dada Papa. Can you say that now darling? Dada Papa?”

“Dada Papah.”

Sebastian’s smiled resumed its fullness and Mark smiled with him, kissing his cheek then Teddy’s.

“Well done kiddo. Full marks mate.”

“You’re so clever Schatz,” praised Seb before looking to Mark. “He just said it, just like that.”

Mark nodded.

“Top work.”

“I think he still thinks it’s for both of us.”

“Ah well, we can work on the details. Good stuff. Right, come on then before we’re swept away by the sea, let’s grab some pics and pack away so we can skedaddle.”

“Dada Papah!”

Mark chuckled and chubbed Teddy’s cheek.

“Yeah you’re very pleased with yourself now aren’t you buddy?”

“It’s wonderful,” beamed Seb.

“Yeah. Yeah it is sweetheart. Quick then, pics then off.”

 

They sat back against the piled sand at the edge of the dune, snapping some selfies of them as a family, then taking turns to take photos of each other holding Teddy, then a couple of him sat alone, trying to get him to smile on request for the camera. They even managed to get some with the dogs before Seb looked out to see that the tide really was getting closer now, perhaps only one hundred feet away.

“We’d better be quick.”

“Yep.”

 

 

They left the dogs on the beach and sat Teddy in front of the shelter as they hurriedly packed all their bags up and dismantled the shelter, glad that they had bought a pop-up version that stayed in one piece and only needed folding up. They were slowed by having to keep one eye on their son at all times, but managed a reasonable level of haste, getting everything done in five minutes flat seeing as thankfully they had left things fairly tidy.

“Shall I take him or you?” asked Mark.

“I’ll take him.”

“Righto.”

Sebastian quickly pulled on the carrier as Mark lifted Teddy up to put in it.

“Got him?”

“Yep.”

 

Mark nodded and started loading himself up with the rest, the dogs now wending around them, reading that they were on the move soon. Once they had everything they walked back out onto the beach, seeing that the tide was encroaching further in. With the beach so flat when it came in there was little to resist the force of water and Mark could see how people could be taken unaware.

“Good job we’ve got you eh?” he noted as they approached the post stuck in the sand marking the footpath through the dunes back to the road.

“Hm?”

“Remembering to check tides and such like.”

“Oh. Yeah. I think it’d be another twenty minutes before it’d really up to here.”

“But still. I wouldn’t fancy wandering all round the dunes until we found a way back if we got stuck.”

“Mm.”

Mark called the dogs over and clipped on their leads, just in case they decided to run off and a car happened to be perhaps turning in the layby.

“You want the shelter to help keep balance?” he offered.

“No I think I’m better without. Can you manage it?”

“Sure.”

 

Mark put both leads in one hand and the shelter in the other and walked alongside Seb to be sure he was alright with Teddy as they hiked up the dune. When they reached the summit they turned around and surveyed the scene, the beach now so much smaller than when they had arrived that morning, but no less spectacular.

Seb let out a sigh and Mark leaned into his side for a moment.

“Not bad eh?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian took in a deeper breath and angled his head to look down at their son. “I dreamed of this.”

Mark nodded, knowing what he meant.

“Yeah. Reality match it?”

“Better.”

“Ah well can’t say fairer than that. Maybe we could try some other little adventures?”

“Yeah I’d like that.”

“Have to think of some places to go. Maybe if we have a spot of time in the autumn?”

“The Lakes maybe?” proposed Seb.

“The Lake District you mean?”

“Mm. Lots of nice scenery and walks. The dogs would like it.”

“I’m sure they would.” Mark gave Shadow and Simba a rub. “Long drive though.”

“Maybe we could do a weekend. In September, before things get crazy.”

“Ha, yeah maybe.”

“Might be nice to have a little break somewhere peaceful. It could count as being for your birthday.”

Mark gave a nod.

“Sounds nice. Well something else for us to look into. Right.”

 

They turned around and continued on their way, glad when they finally got back to the car. Mark puffed out a breath and shed his bags onto the sandy tarmac before opening up the boot. Sebastian turned and perched on the edge, taking the weight off as Mark helped lift Teddy out, holding him for a moment as Seb rid himself of the carrier before taking the baby back. He stood going round to put Teddy into his car seat so he was free to help Mark sort things out, the dogs given more food and water to keep them occupied.

 

Once they were organised they set up the travel bottle warmer so they could give Teddy some milk, the pair of them going to sit back on the lip of the boot, taking it in turns to hold the baby as they fed him.

“Looking sleepy,” observed Mark.

“Yeah.” Seb stroked over Teddy’s head where he lay in Mark’s arms. “He seems younger like this.”

Mark nodded.

“He’ll sleep well tonight I reckon.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and rested his head down onto Mark’s shoulder.

“Me too.”

“Ha. Ah well, perhaps we might even get a bit of a lie in?”

“Now that really would be lovely.”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked down at Teddy.

“I think he’s done sweetheart.”

 

By the time they had winded him and put the baby back in his seat, Teddy’s head was already slumping to the side. Seb stood up from strapping him in and Mark looked in.

“All flobalob.”

Seb laughed.

“Aw.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah I give him five minutes tops before he drops off. C’mon, let’s go.”

 

They set off for home, driving slowly down the long lane through the open marshland until they reached the fields inland. Coming to a pause at a junction Mark glanced back in the rear-view mirror.

“Ha, I was wrong.”

“Huh?”

Mark put the handbrake on and turned around properly to look back, Seb copying him.

“I was wrong,” he repeated. “Think that took him about three minutes.”

Sebastian smiled and reached through the gap to stroke gently over Teddy’s leg, getting no reaction as the baby slept on. He sat back up and leaned over instead to kiss Mark’s cheek.

“Early night when we get in I think Liebling.”

“For him or us?”

“Both probably.”

“Yeah sounds good to me darling.”

“We can swap driving half-way,” offered Seb.

“Sure. On we go then.”

 

Mark set off again, thinking if he got his foot down on the A roads they might just make the M25 before rush hour hit and then they could be home in reasonable time for dinner, put Teddy down after, then get just a bit of time together on the sofa before hitting the sack themselves. It already felt later than it was.

Mark turned the air-conditioning down just a fraction to keep the car cool, then once they had driven through the village and were onto the long straight B road through the countryside he spared his left hand from the gear-stick to place it on Seb’s thigh. Sebastian smiled back over at him then switched on some unobtrusive music to play in the background as the hedgerows and fields whizzed past before settling back feeling quite content with the world right now.

Half and hour later Sebastian’s head lay slumped to the side of his seat, his features and body relaxed in a more than fair approximation of their son on the back seat behind him, both of them fast asleep. Mark smiled and drove past the service station without stopping.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah more fluff, I'm sorry, but it's the summer and they deserve a nice break so I'm giving them it.


	234. Christening - Part 1

 

* * *

 

 

 

Reverend Green looked out on her congregation for today, all busily taking seats in rows on the  ancient wooden pews polished and cleaned especially for the occasion. The church was fuller than she usually got for Sunday services and it was pleasing to see the old building alive with  happy  chatter as family and friends arrived. Sebastian and Mark were at the back, greeting  guests as they entered while the vicar made sure everything was arranged at the font over to the side from the pulpit where her short homily was in place for her to read once everyone was settled.

Seeing as it looked as though most people were here she took a walk up the aisle, checking that people had found the printed booklet containing the order of service so they could follow it and hopefully join in the hymns. Then reaching the door she smiled at Seb and Mark.

“How are we doing?” she asked.

“Yep, think that’s about everyone,” nodded Mark.

Sebastian was peering into the church, mentally checking against a list in his head. Then he looked back down the path through the churchyard down to the lane. A part of him couldn’t stop worrying that somehow word might have got out and any moment a horde of tabloid paparazzi would turn up. As they had walked in he hadn’t been able to stop looking around Mark had tried joking that he didn’t think there was a photographer hiding in the hedgerow or a journalist tucked behind one of the weathered gravestones, but frankly Seb wouldn't put it past them.

 

“Sweetheart?”

“Hm?” frowned Seb looking back to him.

“I was just saying I think everyone’s here now,” repeated Mark.

“Nearly everyone,” Seb noted.

“Who’s missing?” wondered Mark.

Seb was about to say when two of their friends arrived on the path, walking as fast as they could to reach them.

“Oh Lewis, there you are. Hi Nic.”

Sticking out a hand to shake, Seb smiled to welcome them.

“Sorry, we just had a bit of a time finding the place,” apologised Lewis.

“You did find the spot we left for you to park in the lane?” 

“Yep,” Lewis nodded.

“Cheers for that,” thanked his brother.

“No bother,” Mark smiled. “Oh this is the vicar, Reverend Green.”

“Veronica is fine,” smiled the vicar, trying not to stare too much at who had arrived now. She offered a hand and shook theirs.

 

“Where’s Teddy?” Lewis wondered.

“Up with my mum,” stated Seb.

“Or possibly mine,” Mark added. “They’re having a very polite battle over him this weekend.”

Lewis and Nic laughed, then did as directed and went to find a seat.

“Right, think that’s our lot,” explained Mark.

“Great. We can get started then,” smiled the vicar.

 

She went back up to the front, hoping she hadn’t shown on her face the fact that her brain had just been shouting _‘Oh my God, that’s Lewis Hamilton’_ , particularly seeing as members of the cloth weren’t meant to blaspheme. Also it wouldn't look very professional and Veronica was trying very hard to behave as normal today. This was just another christening. The fact that she had now counted a total of  _four_ F1 world champions in attendance in addition to she  didn’t even know how many Le Mans winners and she was sure, lots of important people from the world of motorsport that she didn’t  k now, was not going to affect anything. They were just friends and family of the parents to the child she was baptising today.  Veronica wasn’t going to think about how her husband had swung by just before to say he’d checked the church hall car-park to see if people had found it alright and reported that were enough expensive sports cars and super cars parked there to make your eyes water.

The vicar composed herself and turned to face the gathering, smiling as she waited a moment for the gentle hubub of conversation to die down.

“Good morning, I’d like to welcome you all to St Micheal’s on this fine summer’s day to celebrate with Mark and Sebastian the baptism and blessing of their beautiful son Teddy. I’m so glad to see so many of their family and friends here today, particularly when many of you have made such long journeys. A happy example that love knows no boundaries.”

 

Mark smiled to Seb sat beside him, now holding their son once more. Thank heavens the vicar here was a progressive type. If she hadn’t been then he didn’t think they would be here right now. He was glad they were though. It felt more important now that their son’s adoption was finalised that they had an opportunity to signal that Teddy was officially theirs and a formal event like this felt like putting the seal on it. 

Sebastian hugged Teddy a little closer as he leaned into Mark’s side. They’d waited a long time for this day. Today they got to announce their son was confirmed as a part of their family, if not to the world, then to those closest to them. So many people had come, almost everyone they had invited, with only the odd apology, and that felt like acceptance and approval of their family, even if those they cared about and who cared about them would never be any other way, it still seemed to matter that this was a demonstration of that.

 

True to her word, th is part of the service wasn’t all that long; a bit of talking about the importance of family with the emphasis on how people may come from different places and different backgrounds, but all were valued and equal, with a lot of general reiterations on  how  we should all love one another, with a carefully selected reading the most traditional aspect of the whole service. Then  after a couple of well-known hymns the vicar moved on to explain what the christening meant and how that part of the ceremony worked. After that she invited Seb and Mark to bring Teddy over to the side of the church where a carved font that looked hundreds of years old sat, the godparents following and their family included to stand around the edge watching on, with the rest staying in their seats to prevent over-crowding.

The vicar had warned them in advance not to worry if their son cried when the water was poured on his head, but it was hard not to want to snatch him back when he did just that. Poor Teddy scrunched up his face and scowled at the vicar holding him as she drew the cross on his forehead, but she was plainly well used to such reactions and continued on with the recitation of the customary baptism service,  merely lifting her voice to reach over his protests . 

Mark put his arm around Seb thinking that at least their son wasn’t struggling to escape the vicar’s arms to get back to them which had to count for something. After a moment Teddy seemed to realise that the worst was over and calmed down, both his parents  standing close and  trying to keep eye contact with him so the baby was reassured. Teddy did look smart in his  smart outfit; a white cotton shirt with khaki shorts and  little white socks which Seb had insisted on despite their son having spent most of the summer barefoot, his wispy hair gently brushed neatly to the side  looking blonder than ever .

Indeed most of their guests had leaned towards the smart in ‘smart-casual’, notably their mothers who had both insisted on wearing hats with their dresses, Mark joking out of ear-shot that they were compensating for the fact they had missed an opportunity to wear them at their wedding. Christian and Jenson had gone for the same option as them, wearing suits with shirts without ties while Jess as godmother naturally looked stunning in her summer dress. While Jess and Christian played their part in the ceremony, taking on the role of godparents that they really had  played  since Mark and Seb had asked them, Mark caught Jenson’s eye, wondering why he was grinning so much. Probably just teasing them at looking so serious no doubt knowing Jenson.  Mark ignored it and re-focussed on their son, giving him a smile to encourage him.

  


Before long they were all done, Seb and Mark feeling a little relieved that it had gone without too many hitches. They stood just outside the church doorway in the bright late morning sunshine, Mark now holding Teddy as they thanked all their guests and redirected those who had come  straight here to go to the house where Mark’s parents had whizzed on in their hire car to make sure someone was there to let people in. Then with last thanks to the vicar they were off themselves, Mark taking Teddy along with Fabian and Mel while Seb had his other sister and her family in his car, his parents grateful not to be crammed in, but taken back by Pauline and her husband. 

Even though it was only a few miles away, it seemed to take quite some time to get everybody organised and transported. By the time they arrived home Seb and Mark passed a long row of cars already parked down the lane both before and beyond their house. Thankfully when they got in they found Diane and Alan in full swing, Mark’s dad already with the barbecue going in the back garden while his mother plied arrivals with drinks and sent them on outside.

Mark chuckled and put his arm around her in the kitchen as Seb’s mum and Pauline both got stuck in alongside her.

“Cheers Mum.”

“No trouble. Now what will you have?”

Mark shook his head at Seb, neither one of them about to remind her that it was actually their house and they weren’t guests. Instead they checked that all was going well, which it was seeing as everything had been prepared earlier ready to simply get out when they returned, then went out to re-greet their guests in the garden.

  


They went around  the garden , chatting with groups and making sure everyone was happy and had what they needed before ducking back inside to change into more comfortable clothes, both Seb and Mark re-emerging in shorts and t-shirts as well as their son who wore a not dissimilar outfit. Mark took over at the barbecue so his father who had merely shed his jacket until now could go in to change  too .  T he barbecue was a way off being ready to cook on,  though  the gathering was going nicely. 

Most, if they did not know one another through racing, had at least met at their party year ago and both Seb and Mark were pleased to see how much more relaxed their respective families were at mixing  now .  Sebastian smiled to see that his father was sat talking to Pauline's husband who wasn’t so mobile and didn’t know many here. He guessed his mother had directed him to go and keep him company, so Seb  took Teddy and  went  to s i t with them for a bit,  enjoying watching them fuss over the baby and joining in their chat about football and making sure they were both happy before he moved on.

The junior element of the family had also changed  into more suitable clothes and were amusing themselves by mucking about with the dogs  further over on the lawn where they weren’t bothering anyone . While Mark was in charge of helping the barbecue get going, Sebastian did another round of politely chatting with their visitors before joining his sisters and Mark’s sister sat on one of the many rugs they had set out on the grass. He sat Teddy in the middle with his cousin Sofie along with a few toys to entertain them  so they could watch them play whilst  the grown-ups  chatted .

With the experience of the previous year they had been a little more organised in planning this year’s barbecue. They had hired a large gazebo that was set up near the barbecue with hired fold-out  trestle tables where all the food and accompaniments were set out with room for people to shelter if it rained. They still had the kids’ little encampment at the back of the garden seeing as Mark’s nephew and nieces and Fabian had seemed happy enough to camp again and in addition to that they had set up Teddy’s teepee on the lawn nearer to the house for the little ones to play in if the weather wasn’t so nice. 

 

Naturally as a consequence, and with the British weather’s unerring sense of irony, there was no sign  whatsoever  of any rain and the gazebo’s function turned out to be more providing shade and keeping the food and drinks cool. As Seb watched Mark helping out with both their fathers  now  cooking all the meat he wondered if he ought to offer to get involved or if it would literally be a case of too many cooks.

“What is it with blokes and barbecues?” laughed Leanne seeing where he was looking.

Sebastian turned back to her and shrugged.

“Dunno. I might just go check they don’t need anything.” He looked at Teddy sat on the rug playing quite happily with his little cousin Sofie. “Um, Teddy okay with you?”

“Course.”

His sister Stefanie handed Teddy back a toy that Sofie had filched and looked to Seb.

“He’s fine with us, aren’t you Teddy?”

Teddy babbled something, then looked at his toy, so Sebastian stood quickly to nip away before his son realised he had gone. He went over to Mark mainly to check-in rather than thinking he was really needed.

 

After Stefanie had made sure Teddy was happy she glanced over to them at the barbecue, then back to her sister and Leanne.

“Hopefully once they’ve got the food sorted they might actually relax and enjoy today.”

Leanne nodded.

“I think they’ve been planning this a long time. They want it to be a success.”

“At least they changed. I never think Seb looks happy in a suit. He’s not designed for them,” Mel chipped in. 

“Unless they’re race-suits,” agreed Stef.

The three women laughed, knowing that was true of both their brothers.

“Does seem like they’ve been talking about this for ages,” noted Mel. 

“It matters to them,” confirmed Leanne.

Stefanie looked at her own daughter.

“You know we haven’t had Sof christened. Mum dropped a few hints of course, but, well I don’t know, we’re not really fussed.”

Mel bumped her shoulder into her sister's.

“Daringly anti-establishment as ever.”

“No we’re not. It’s not that. It’s just… I dunno. I guess we don’t see the need. Like us getting married. It’s funny really, Seb’s so keen on all that.”

“All what?” frowned Mel.

“Well, getting married, having Teddy christened.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing’s wrong with it. It’s nice and if it makes them happy, then great. I just meant… I don’t know, just that they’re keen on all that tradition stuff.”

Leanne looked over at her.

“Does that surprise you?”

Stefanie shrugged.

“Maybe.”

 

Leanne smiled and glanced over to Seb and Mark stood by the barbecue. Her brother had his hand casually resting on the curve of Seb’s back as they stood closer than strictly necessary, talking about something or other as her father clearly had charge of the actual cooking. She looked back at Sebastian’s sisters.

“It’s different for them isn’t it? I mean, don’t take this the wrong way Stef, but you’ve nothing to prove to society. You and Jan are a couple and a family with Sofie and nobody questions it.”

“Ha, you’ve not heard our mum on the subject,” pointed out Mel.

“Well okay, but generally,” relented Leanne. “Whereas for them. I don’t know how conscious it is, but they do need, I don’t know, perhaps framework. I’m not sure what you’d call it, acknowledgement maybe of their status.”

“Maybe they want more security too?” wondered Stef.

“Maybe.”

“Well you know what happened two years ago when Seb had his accident,” Mel added.

“Exactly,” nodded Leanne. “So they don’t want anyone to be able to query things.”

“I guess we do have it easy,” Stef accepted.

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t,” assured Leanne, “but everything is harder work for them.”

“Yeah.” Stef glanced over at her brother. “At least things are settled now, with Teddy and that.”

“Mm I’m sure that’ll help a lot,” agreed Leanne. “And the christening, well I think that’s a bit of giving him more structure.”

“Structure?”

“Godparents and that. I’m sure they’re thinking about Teddy having more back-up and support.”

 

Stefanie looked at her nephew. With his fair hair and complexion he could easily pass for Sofie’s baby brother rather than adopted cousin.

“You know I sort of forget most of the time,” she admitted, “you know, that he’s adopted.”

She found herself lowering her voice, as if she didn’t want the children to hear.

Leanne gently smoothed a hand over the baby’s arm as he sat in front of her.

“Yeah. I think they do too, but I guess that’s what they get to celebrate now: He’s just their son.”

“Of course he is,” agreed Stef. “I’m just glad it’s all settled now. Doesn’t seem fair they were made to wait for so long.”

“Mark says it’s just how it works.”

“I suppose.”

“I’d have thought they’d have bitten their hand off,” commented Mel. “I mean look at this place.”

All three of them automatically took in their surroundings, this large garden and house set deep in the countryside, all the toys set up over to the side of the lawn near the house making a veritable toddler's playground where Sofie and Teddy had already been for a little play before settling down here.

“Yes, well all sorted now,” smoothed Leanne.

 

The other two nodded in agreement, then Sofie seemed to sense how the adults were paying more attention to Teddy than her and reached over to snatch his toy from him. Stef shot out a hand to stop her.

“No Sofie that’s Teddy’s.”

Sofie scowled, still trying to take the toy for herself, so her mother lifted her up to sit in her lap as the little girl started crying in protest. Stef sighed, thinking they had been getting on so well until now.

“I think she’s tired,” she excused.

Teddy had his toy back, but the disturbance had set him off too and now he was wailing, only now fully appreciating that his parents weren’t there. Leanne picked him up, rubbing over the baby’s back to soothe him.

“Shh-shh sweetheart.”

“Da-dah Papa!” howled Teddy, pulling away from his aunt to try to look for them.

Thankfully his parents had heard the noise and immediately rushed over, Seb taking Teddy to jig him, Mark stroking over his arm as both of them soothed him.

Stef stood holding her daughter.

“I’m so sorry. Sofie tried to take his toy,” she apologised. “That’s not kind Sofie. Teddy’s toy.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head, thinking that at not yet eighteen months old their niece was little more than a baby herself.

“Don’t suppose she understands.”

“No. Right, I’m gonna put her down for a little nap. Are we far off food being ready?”

Mark looked back from checking on Teddy.

“Hm? Oh, might be twenty minutes.”

“Okay. If you see Jan about tell him I’m upstairs.”

Stefanie hitched her daughter higher in her arms and headed inside thinking having to sit still and quiet in church earlier had probably been too much of a strain for a toddler. A short nap, some food and hopefully she would cheer up enough to play and get some of that energy spent better later on.

  


 

Back in the garden Mel and Leanne stood with them as Teddy calmed down now his parents were there. The baby crushed into Seb, still plaintively repeating ‘Dadah-Papah,’ as he hung on, making his father feel guilty for leaving him.

“Shall I try a bottle?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian nodded, thinking like his sister that their son could do with a nap.

“After that we should see if he’ll go down.”

“Mm. Make lunch easier too.”

Sebastian gave Mark a look for that, though he knew it was true.

 

As they walked away towards the kitchen Leanne shook her head at Melanie.

“Kids.”

Mel just shrugged having none of her own to worry about, but Leanne frowned as she scanned the guests all milling about the garden.

“Actually that’s a point. Where have mine got to? I should have known it was too quiet.”

They looked towards the rear of the garden where the younger generation had been playing with the dogs, but there was no sight of them.

“I’m sure they’ll appear when they smell food’s ready,” Mel offered.

Leanne laughed.

“Now that’s certainly true.”

Melanie peered at the tents at the back, but there was no sign of life there either. Leanne meanwhile had looked the other way.

“Ah. Think I know.”

 

She started walking over to where Teddy’s play equipment was set out. Seeing as she had already told her son off for attempting a go on the slide that was designed for children ten years younger than himself, Leanne wasn’t all that surprised to hear chatter and laughter coming from within the teepee that had been pitched there. She raised an eyebrow to Mel who had come with her, then the pair of them dipped down before Leanne lifted up the entrance flap to reveal a group of teenagers crammed in, not only her children and Fabian, but Adrian’s offspring squashed in with them as well. Both women laughed as the youngsters suddenly went quiet.

“Rumbled,” teased Leanne.

Melanie was still laughing at her brother.

“Fabe I think this is meant for Teddy.”

Fabian opened his mouth, trying not to go pink in front of the others as his older sister teased him.

“Well, no, Seb said they played in it too,” he justified.

Leanne smiled, noting that her brother hadn’t admitted as much to her.

“What are you doing in here?”

“Nothing,” defended Abbey. “We’re just...” She stopped, about to say ‘playing’ but realising how uncool that sounded. “Hanging out.”

“Right,” nodded her mother. “Well just make sure you don’t damage it.”

“We’re not gonna damage it. We’re just sitting in here.”

“Sure. Alright well lunch in about half an hour.”

 

Leanne let go of the flap and stood back up, then the two of them walked away.

“Kids.” She shook her head. “Honestly, look at this weather and they hide in there.”

“I guess they’re not doing any harm.”

“No I suppose not.” Leanne laughed, thinking what her husband would say when she found him to tell him. “Ah you know it’s funny. They spend their lives trying to prove how grown-up they are now, especially the girls, but take them away from their friends and they’re playing like children again.”

“Oh well. Life is short,” shrugged Melanie.

“True.”

“I think Mark said twenty minutes for food though.”

“Ha. Never tell kids less time than you have to for grub. This way we might not actually have a stampede of them going to grab the lot before anyone else gets a look in.”

Melanie laughed thinking that sounded a fair point.

“Sounds wise. Right, I fancy a drink. You?”

“Excellent idea,” agreed Leanne.

  


 

Mark and Sebastian entered the kitchen to find both their mothers and Pauline busily slicing bread rolls ready to be filled by produce from the barbecue. They paused their work as they heard a still grizzling Teddy be brought in, coming over to see what was wrong.

“What’s the matter?” enquired Heike.

“Oh we’re just gonna get him a bottle,” Mark replied, going to do just that.

Teddy paused his fussing as his grandmothers and honorary grandmother paid him attention, looking out at them as Seb turned him to see.

“Poor little thing. He’s not too hot is he?”

“No I think he’s okay. We’re gonna put him down for a bit after this.”

Pauline nodded and stroked Teddy’s cheek.

“Used to having your nap after lunch aren’t you chick? Think we’re running a bit behind schedule.”

“Why don’t I take him and you can help Mark?” offered Diane.

Sebastian paused thinking Mark didn’t really need any help making up a bottle, but he knew how much they wanted to get holds of Teddy while they were here, so he passed Teddy over, watching to be sure he didn’t get upset again, before going over to see if he could do anything for Mark.

 

Diane smiled at her grandson.

“Just hungry aren’t you chuck? Hm?”

Teddy looked at her and frowned, making her laugh at his serious expression. He tried turning, wondering where his parents had gone and Diane tried to hang on to him as he wriggled.

“Come on now Teddy, they’re just getting you a bottle,” she reassured.

The baby continued to wriggle, so Heike stepped closer.

“Why don’t I have a go?”

Diane decided to let her, not wanting to be too clingy when she knew they had at least had several more days here visiting than Seb’s parents who had only arrived the previous evening. Unfortunately Teddy was no more content with his other grandmother and wriggled further, beginning to grizzle again.

“Shh now Kleiner,” encouraged Heike, but the baby struggled further and he had surprising strength for one so small.

“Here,” offered Pauline, going to take him before Heike could say anything.

Teddy murmured unhappily at being passed around like pass-the-parcel, but Pauline held him so he could see her and looked him in the eye.

“There,” she soothed. “Good boy. Long morning for you wasn’t it chickadee? I think your daddy and papa are right; bit of milk then a nice nap.”

“Dada-Papa,” replied Teddy.

“Yes that’s right.”

Seb had come back over.

“Is he okay?”

Pauline was stroking over Teddy’s back as he now leaned into her.

“Course he is. Good boy for your Auntie Pauline.”

Teddy reached out an arm to his father, but as Sebastian touched his cheek he ceased fussing and his murmurs quieted as he rested his head down on Pauline's shoulder still looking to be sure his father hadn’t abandoned him again.

“Milk in a minute Schatz,” Seb promised.

Both grandmothers stood opposite, neither commenting on the fact that Teddy had only accepted Pauline holding him when he was upset, not his actual family. It seemed Pauline was more  part of the family here than ever. Seb caught his mother's eye and guessed she was fighting  feelings  jealousy at the situation. He knew what it was like  to feel you didn’t have enough time with him , but of course Teddy was happy with those most familiar to him. From  when the baby w as  only days old Pauline had been round almost every day, nearly always having a hold and recently more frequently babysitting their son for short spells. Seeing his grandparents and extended family via Facetime screens couldn't compete with that.

 

Mark came over with the bottle and Seb looked to him, trying to communicate without actually voicing his real thoughts.

“Um Liebling, perhaps we could just check where we’re up to with the food?”

Mark saw the look Seb was giving him and guessed they were back to their mothers very polite battle to hold their grandson.

“Right. Yeah um, that alright?” he asked them.

Getting an immediate response in the positive Mark decided the only thing to do was hand Heike the bottle and let them fight it out amongst themselves. As she sat down and Pauline passed Teddy over, Mark gave them a nod.

“We’ll just be outside if he needs us.”

Pausing to see Teddy safely settled in one grandmother’s arms, hopefully before being passed on to the other, Seb and Mark left them to it, knowing their son would be quite happy once he had a bottle to keep him occupied. As they stopped on the lawn Mark puffed a breath.

“Blimey, should’ve known they’d be like that.”

Seb let out a little sigh.

“They wish they saw more of him.”

“Yeah I know. Ah well.”

“My mum’s already asked about Christmas.”

“So has mine.”

“Ah.”

They looked at one another. More family battles ahead.

“We have been to mine the past few years,” allowed Sebastian.

“Mm, but Teddy’s first Christmas.”

“There’s a part of me that’d just like to stay home, enjoy it here.”

“Hmm.” Mark puffed a breath. “Yeah, know what you mean. Oh well, I reckon we make no promises and have a think about it.”

Sebastian nodded. It wasn’t easy saying no to his mother, but putting off a decision would be something.

“Yeah okay.”

 

Just then Christian came by, en route to  get  a top up from the drinks stored in cool-boxes over to the side under the gazebo.

“Hey, I was going to come and say hello to my godson.”

“Ah, busy being monopolised by our mothers,” explained Mark.

“Perhaps I should go assert my position as godfather to get him back?”

Mark laughed and clapped Christian on the arm.

“Good luck with that mate.”

“You wouldn't stand a chance,” Sebastian agreed.

“No I suppose you’re right,” accepted Christian.

“Can we get you anything?” asked Mark.

“Oh I was just gonna grab a drink.”

“Grub up soon.”

“Good stuff.”

“Are you having a nice time?” Seb checked.

“Course. Nice to chat to folks away from racing for once.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think we invited enough racing folk here to make it feel like the paddock.”

“True. I was having a very interesting chat with your erstwhile team-mates Mark.”

“Oh?”

“Yes they were trying to talk me into persuading RedBull to enter WEC.”

“Not a bad idea.”

Christian chuckled.

“I’ve kindof got my hands full as it is.”

Mark glanced over to where his team-mates stood talking to Jenson and Jessica. It had been good to catch up with them, but it almost felt strange to see them after so long and he found he really wasn’t ready to start thinking about returning to racing. The thought of leaving his son to do so was too strange to contemplate just yet.

 

They went with him to see that Christian got another drink, then checked in with the progress of food being cooked.

“Nearly ready Dad?” enquired Mark.

Alan nodded.

“Getting there. Norbert here is checking the chicken is cooked through then we’ll get the quicker bits on.”

“How’s it looking?” asked Seb, looking to his father poking some grilled chicken with a skewer.

“Five minutes.”

“Okay.”

Norbert turned the chicken over then looked back to them.

“Where’s Teddy?”

“With Mum having a bottle in the kitchen.”

“And my mum,” chimed in Mark.

“Ha, how’s that going?” asked Norbert.

Mark smiled, knowing that their fathers’ hadn’t missed how their wives were competing over the baby.

“Fine. They’re taking turns. Hopefully.”

Norbert raised an eyebrow to Alan.

“I think we’re better off out here.”

“You may well be right,” concurred Alan. “Right boys, I’d say fifteen minutes or so before the lunch bell goes.”

“Righto,” nodded Mark. “We’ll go see how they’re doing.”

  


They went returned to the kitchen finding that Mark’s mother now held Teddy who was just finishing up his bottle.

“Made swift work of that,” observed Mark.

“Think he was hungry.”

“Mm. Right, well I think we might take him up.”

“I’ve not winded him.”

“I can do that,” offered Heike.

Mark and Seb avoided eye-contact with each other for fear of laughing at the continued battle over their son. Instead Mark reached in and took Teddy.

“Very kind, but he’ll go down easier if we do that upstairs. Seb sweetheart can you grab a cloth.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian took one out of the drawer where they stored them, then came back over, already seeing his mother about to offer to help again.

“Mum, I think they’re almost ready with the food outside.”

Heike, who had risen to stand looked over at the rolls they had been preparing.

“Oh I suppose we’d better get these out.”

“So kind of you,” thanked Mark.

“Yeah we really appreciate you all helping so much,” Seb added.

As the three women went to resume their efforts on the catering front Mark and Sebastian dodged out of the kitchen to take refuge in the nursery.

  


Once they got up there Mark sat in the rocking chair, Seb passing him the muslin to stick over his shoulder where he rested Teddy whilst winding him. Seb watched on for a moment then wandered closer to the window, looking  down into the garden where so many of their friends and family now mingled.

“We’re really lucky with the weather,” he noted.

Mark looked up.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian turned around and perched on the window ledge to look at them.

“Lucky about lots of things,” he added.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah sweetheart we are.” He kissed Teddy’s temple where he lay into him. “Very lucky.”

Teddy snuggled into his father, then as he rubbed over his back once more Teddy let out an impressive burp directly into his ear, making both his parents laugh.

“That’s the spirit kiddo,” approved Mark.

  


 

L eaving their son upstairs to sleep, they went down and helped make sure all their guests were well supplied with barbecued meats and all the salads and rolls and every other accompaniment that could be thought of.  Only then did Seb and Mark finally g e t themselves something to eat, finding it really was easier without having to manage  that whilst juggling the baby or worry about someone else doing the same. They had brought the monitor down with them, but  managed roughly an hour  before  the sound of crying came through  requiring them to retrieve Teddy. 

As they came back down Mark opened and closed the safety gates they had put in place on the stairs now their son was crawling, while Seb carried him. They headed back outside to see that most people were finishing their meals now, even the younger ones such as Fabian who were on their second and Mark suspected, third, helpings.

“Reckon it’s not bad timing,” he commented to Seb.

“Hm?”

Seb looked up from straightening Teddy’s sunhat they had put back on him.

“Reckon most folk have finished up,” Mark stated. “I was just thinking maybe we should say thank you for them all coming.”

“Oh right, yeah.”

  


They went around to where most of the tables were clustered, some out in the sunshine, others left tucked under the large gazebo where Seb and Mark chose to stand with their son in the shade. Everyone was busy chatting so Mark tried coughing to get people’s attention, then when that failed he relied on the old trick of grabbing a glass and clinking it with a spoon until everyone looked his way and went quiet.

“Um, sorry to interrupt, but while we’ve got you Seb and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for coming today and how grateful we are to have such fantastic family and friends. We really appreciate so many of you coming such a long way to celebrate with us and thanks for all the presents and cards which you brought Teddy.”

“Even though we said you didn’t need to,” chimed in Seb, making their audience laugh.

“Yes, especially since we said you didn’t need to,” Mark agreed with a smile.

“But they’re very nice and kind of you,” added Seb, not wanting to sound ungrateful.

“Absolutely,” smiled Mark thinking that their son wasn’t going to go short of toy cars and teddy-bears to play with seeing as at least half the gifts had predictably been those.

“And we wanted to say thanks to our families for helping organise all this,” Sebastian continued, “and Teddy’s godparents Christian and Jess, and really, just everyone for being here.” 

Mark nodded, glancing to Seb before looking back out to their guests.

“Yeah, I think most of you know we’ve not had the easiest of roads with this and while you’re all here we’d like to take the opportunity to thank you for all your support because without that support, really in so many ways, writing references, advice, practical help and just generally backing us and encouraging us when things have been tough.” Mark put his arm around Seb beside him and they looked at one another, thinking about the journey they had been on to get here. “Because the truth is, it has been pretty tough at times.”

“But worth it,” chipped in Seb.

“Absolutely worth it,” Mark concurred. “Best thing we’ve ever done. Right sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yes. Completely.” He looked down at their son and gave him a smile. “Because the thing is we knew we were family didn’t we Liebling?”

“Of course.”

“But when we knew we wanted to...” 

Seb paused, wondering how to express it.

“Expand our family,” Mark offered.

“Yeah, when we decided that we wanted to do this,” Seb continued, “we thought we knew what we were letting ourselves in for.”

“But we really didn’t,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“No, but the thing is, we didn’t know how much it would be worth it too. Because Teddy,” Seb hitched the baby up and kissed him. “Has really changed our lives, completely and forever and we’re so pleased that so many of you are here today to share our happiness that he’s really officially our son now. It really is amazing.”

Mark gave Seb and then Teddy a kiss.

“Yeah it is. Our Teddy has made us happier than we could ever have imagined. It’s magical really, from the moment we saw him and held him in our arms we knew he was our son. Right darling?”

 

Sebastian nodded again, feeling a wash of emotion as he thought back to that day and the tiny baby boy they had been introduced to. Such a fragile, delicate, premature child who had grown to become this smiling, chubby little boy who looked up at them  now and laughed, making both his parents laugh in turn.

“Papa Dada.”

Mark grinned as Seb bounced their son up a little, delighted that he had joined in.  T hen he looked out at all their gathered family and friends.

“See folks, already trying to get a word in, aren’t you mate?”

The baby babbled happily and patted at his face. Mark shrugged to their guests.

“I’m gonna assume that’s approval. Anyway, enough of us rambling on. Suffice to say we pretty much consider ourselves to be about the luckiest people in the world, to have our son, to have each other and to have our families and all you guys.”

“Yeah, the luckiest,” echoed Seb. “Thank you.”

 

Mark smiled at hearing the emotion in Seb’s voice as he said that. He gave him another kiss, then both of them kissed Teddy on either cheek, neither noticing how many of their guests snatched photographs of the moment. As Mark stood straight again he noticed that his father had appeared with two drinks to hand over.

“Got to say cheers haven’t we?” noted Alan.

“Ah, thanks Dad.”

Sebastian hitched Teddy into one arm and took the drink as Mark did.

“So, well I hope we’re good enough hosts that you’ve all got a drink,” Mark smiled as he raised his glass. “Cheers for coming everyone.”

 

Everyone raised their glasses to say cheers in reply, but Alan was still stood with Seb and Mark near the front. As he lowered his own drink he spoke up before people thought the moment was over.

“And I just wanted to say on behalf of our family and Seb’s, how proud we are of you and how pleased we are to be here today to properly welcome Teddy into our family,” Alan looked around and swept his glass to encompass all those looking on. “And all the wider family that young Teddy now has. I’m sure one day you’ll be as proud of your son as we are of you both. So, before we get too squiffy, please raise your glasses again folks, to the Vettel-Webber family.”

All did as requested and Mark squeezed Seb in a little.

“Thanks Dad.”

“Yeah thanks,” echoed Seb.

“Right, before I well up,” moved on Mark, “I should say our indispensable Pauline baked us a really marvellous cake, and whilst it seems a shame to cut it, I have no doubt it’s delicious. So folks we’ll sort that, and if you’ve room, we’ll dole it out before it melts in this heat.”

 

There was a little round of applause which they acknowledged before going over to the cake set on the table to the side of the  now  mostly demolished salads. The cake was a large, square and beautifully iced masterpiece which they had no doubt their treasured housekeeper had spent quite some time preparing. It was covered in white icing, the edge bound by a yellow ribbon.  A small teddy-bear made from  coloured  fondant icing sat in the corner above a piped _‘_ _C_ _ongratulations_ ’. They had already taken some photographs of it, but it did feel a shame to cut into it. Leanne appeared, accompanied by her children and Fabian who seemed to be sticking with them wherever possible.

“Should’ve known you guys’d be up for cake,” smiled Mark.

“No they’re going to hand it out for you,” Leanne announced.

Mark chuckled, guessing that it wasn’t a spontaneous impulse of helpfulness, but at her urging.

“Good stuff. Thanks. Right, if you could start with the olds first, then work your way around. I don’t know that the racers here will eat cake, but offer it anyway yeah?”

He received an array of nods and ‘sures’.

“Don’t worry,” assured Seb. “There’s loads so there’ll still be plenty for you.”

Leanne took over cutting the cake while they loaded up the teenagers with paper plates and napkins then sent them out to deliver the desert. Mark picked up two as well.

“For you?” asked his sister.

“Nope. Cheers sis. You alright here a mo?”

“Course.”

 

Mark indicated over and he and Seb went to find Pauline sat with her husband, giving them a plate of cake each.

“It really does seem a shame to cut it,” commented Sebastian.

“Oh no dear. I made it to be eaten.”

“Well it looks great,” affirmed Mark. “Think that’s definitely a diet breaker.”

Pauline smiled.

“Celebration cakes don’t count.”

“Ha thanks. I can cover it as my birthday cake too I guess.”

“Oh I could make you one?”

“No no that wasn’t a hint. Anyway we’re away aren’t we?”

“I’ve got a race,” confirmed Seb.

“Of course, well, I’m glad you liked it.”

“It’s awesome. Not that I’m surprised of course.” Mark nodded to Pauline's husband Henry. “You’re a lucky man.”

“Oh I’ve known that a long time,” he confirmed, earning a smile from his wife.

Pauline shrugged.

“I like to bake.”

“Maybe you could teach Teddy when he’s older?” requested Seb.

Pauline positively beamed in response.

“I’d love to dear.”

She reached out to Teddy, stroking his tiny bare foot and getting a smile back.

“You’re such a lucky little boy.”

“We’re the lucky ones,” insisted Mark.

“Yes,” nodded Pauline.

“Well enjoy your own cake.”

“I shall.”

  


They moved on, going to say hello again to a few of their friends before looping back around to see the now decimated cake was now being shared out to the youngsters who had done their duty dispensing it.

“Good stuff guys, thanks.”

“Think you can have a sit down now,” added Seb. “Thanks Leanne.”

As she waved off her children to go sit on the grass Leanne went to put the cover back over the remains of cake to protect it, then stopped.

“Oh I’ve not given you any.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Nah that’s alright.”

“No you should.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“Pauline might be offended if we don’t.”

Mark smiled, guessing he wanted an excuse to have some.

“Good point sweetheart. Go on then Leanne, cheers.”

 

They accepted their cake, two pieces fitted onto one plate  for Mark  to carry, then went over to sit with their family. As they walked across the lawn Seb leaned a little towards Mark.

“You know it was very kind what your dad said, but I’m already proud of Teddy.”

“Yeah me too darling.”

“I know what he meant though.”

“Course.” 

Mark chubbed their son’s cheek.

“Apple of your daddy and papa’s eye aren’t you mate?”

They had reached the longer table where most of their family was sat, so they found seats and spent some time chatting with them to let them know how much they really did appreciate them being there.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Split into another two-parter, sorry, much like in this, it's just too hot for anything long and unweidly!


	235. Christening - Part 2

* * *

 

  


A while later in the afternoon Mark sat on a rug on the grass with Teddy, Seb off talking to Lewis and his brother, the dogs with him as they had twigged that Lewis was one of the guests who would make a fuss of them. Mark had been letting Teddy crawl around in the sunshine when a shadow came across and he looked up.

“Oh hello,” he greeted.

“Hello my friend, may I join you?”

Mark huffed a laugh at Fernando being so formal and waved him to sit down.

“Just so long as you don’t mind being crawled on,” he warned.

Fernando smiled as he sat down.

“He is growing fast, no?”

“Yeah mate, really coming along. Aren’t you kiddo? Showing off for your Uncle Fernando.”

 

He reached to turn the baby around so he crawled in their direction, then watched as Teddy sat himself up.

“Is very good,” approved Fernando.

“Yep. Good lad. Course it does mean we’ve got to watch him like hawks. The other day we were in the lounge and he was over by the door in the few seconds I took just looking the other way for something.”

“It must be trying.”

“Ah well not really. It’s great to see him developing. You know he’s getting on for eight months old now.”

Fernando gave a shake of his head.

“That has gone quickly.”

“Yeah mate you’ve no idea. Only seems like five minutes ago he was a tiny babba in my arms.”

  


A soft look came across Mark’s face as he reached to stroke his son’s cheek. Where had their tiny helpless baby gone? He almost missed it, but then Teddy smiled at him and began babbling and Mark was reminded of the joys that came with Teddy being able to interact with them more these days.

“I am glad you are happy,” offered Fernando.

Mark nodded.

“Thanks.”

“I must confess I was surprised.”

“Surprised I’m happy?”

“No no, of course not. I mean that I was surprised…” Fernando paused, thinking there was almost nothing about Mark’s life that _didn’t_ surprise him these days. “Well, that you chose to do this.”

“Have a kid you mean?”

Fernando gave one of his Gallic shrugs.

“Perhaps, certainly that you choose not to race.”

Mark shrugged back.

“Only a year out. I won’t pretend it’s always easy but it’s worth it.”

“Of course.”

 

Mark gazed at Teddy, smiling as the baby smiled at him. Fernando watched on, seeing a light in his friend’s eyes and a softness to his expression.

“You love your son,” he observed, accidentally saying it out-loud.

Mark looked to him.

“How could I not? He’s amazing. Every day is amazing.”

“You do not mind losing sleep, changing nappies, making bottles all the time?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“To be honest mate I barely think about it any more. It’s just what you do. Anyway he’s pretty much sleeping through now.”

  


Fernando nodded, declining to comment that his friend did not look as tired as he had seemed at some races when they had snatched a coffee together earlier in the year. He had almost grown used to seeing Mark with the baby pretty much attached to him in the RedBull motor-home.

“And actually it’s not all bottles now either,” Mark added, “we’re having some solids now too aren’t we sweetheart?”

Teddy reached out his hand and Mark took it, laughing as they almost shook hands.

“See? That’s us agreeing on it,” he explained to Fernando. “Even if he does try grabbing the spoon and ends up with us both wearing half of it.”

“Oh dear.”

“Yeah, mucky pup aren’tcha?” he teased Teddy. “Little mucky pup getting mess everywhere.”

“That must be annoying.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Ah you just stick stuff in the wash. No biggie.”

 

The baby set his hands down and crawled into Mark’s lap, making his father smile. He moved him to sit facing out, continuing to chat to his friend for a while and asking after how things were going in his life and how he had enjoyed the break. After a while though it seemed Teddy grew bored and started wriggled about. Mark was about to check whether he needed another nappy change when the baby pulled away and he set him down on the rug to let him crawl about again.

“See? Full of energy,” he commented.

 

They went back to chatting, Mark watching that Teddy didn’t go far and getting up to turn him around occasionally to keep him in range. As Fernando was busy discussing how things were going with his team, Mark nodded along, then he spotted that Teddy had sat himself down and was pulling at the grass. Moments later the baby raised the ripped-up leaves to his mouth and started putting them in. Mark shot up, pulling Teddy’s hand away and opening his son’s mouth to make sure he got all the little green fronds out.

Teddy instantly began howling but Mark ignored it until he was sure his mouth was clear and there was nothing more in his hand. Then he picked the baby up and came to sit back on the rug with Fernando. Teddy paused crying for a moment and scowled rebelliously at his father.

“No mate. It’s not food. You’re not a cow sunshine. You only eat what Daddy and Papa give you Teddy.”

Teddy pouted at him, but Mark eyeballed his son back, telling him this was not a negotiation. Then the baby started crying again and he sighed, pulling him in close and rubbing his back.

“Alright alright,” he soothed. “Don’t get worked up about it. Shh now.”

Fernando didn’t say anything, feeling a little awkward as Mark concentrated on calming the baby down.

“Is he okay?” he checked as the baby snivelled into Mark’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” sighed Mark. “Just doesn’t like not getting his own way. He doesn’t understand.” Mark looked down at his son and stroked his back. “Poor little thing. Must be confusing. We spend so much time encouraging him to eat, then he thinks everything goes in his mouth and mean old Daddy shouts at you for it. Bad Daddy huh?”

Teddy pouted again, looking up with wet big blue eyes.

“Bah-Dada.”

“Yeah bad Daddy. Rotten meanie that I am not letting you eat grass. Give you a tummy-ache though darling and you wouldn't like that.”

 

Mark looked up to see Sebastian coming over having heard  Teddy crying and hitched  him up a bit.

“Look Papa’s worried about you now.”

Seb knelt by them, looking in at Teddy who now raised his head to look at him.

“What happened?” enquired Sebastian.

“Ah Daisy the moo-cow here thinks grass is a nice meal.”

“Oh.”

“So I stopped him and he’s not impressed.”

“Ah I see. Do you think he’s hungry?”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll go sort something out for him. Do you want me to take him?”

“Nah it’s alright. Bring it outside sweetheart, no point making a mess in the kitchen.”

“I guess. Okay, won’t be long.” Seb gave Teddy’s arm a rub, then looked up to Fernando as if just noticing he was there. “Oh hey Nando.”

 

Fernando nodded back and Mark hid a smile at Seb calling him that. Then with a last smile to them all Seb was up, off inside to make up a quick meal for his son. Meanwhile Mark looked in at Teddy and seeing him calming down, merely continued to hold him in and returned his attention to his friend.

“See, you just get used to it. He’s off, then he calms down. Hmm? Dontcha mate? Get worked up then you just need a cuddle and it’s all okay again. Most of the time anyway.” Mark shook his head to his friend. “If only life was always so simple.”

Fernando nodded, though he didn’t think he would cope so well with such sudden storms erupting.

“You’re alright now darling aren’t you? Hmm? Papa getting you something to eat.” He huffed a laugh to Fernando. “Honestly. Anyone would think we don’t feed him. We went to the beach last week and he was trying to eat the seaweed there too.”

 

It only took a couple of minutes before Teddy had, as Mark predicted, forgotten the incident and sat away from him so he could look at his father. Mark rearranged his cloth sunhat and gave him a smile.

“That better?”

Teddy babbled something and Mark laughed.

“Right you are son. You going to say hi to Uncle Nando?”

Fernando tried smiling at the little boy, but Teddy merely frowned at him, making Mark laugh again.

“Ah you know Fernando mate, he comes to say hello when we’re at races.”

Teddy stared at him for a moment, then went back to looking at his father, making Fernando smile at how suspicious he seemed.

“Perhaps he forgets?” he offered.

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Capricious little thing. You were all over Lewis when he wanted a hold earlier.”

“Ah that is okay. I think Lewis has a…” Fernando paused, trying to think of the appropriate word, “affinity, for children and animals.”

 

Mark chuckled, knowing his friend was restraining himself from making at joke about his rival finding his own level with them.

“Yeah mate, guess so.”

“Will I be seeing you at races when we go back?” enquired Fernando.

Mark puffed a breath.

“Hmm, bit of a tricky one mate to be honest. We’ll definitely be in Spa and of course Monza.”

Fernando nodded, not wanting to say anything about why he understood there was no chance Mark would not be with his husband in Monza.

“Then after that it’s a bit more up in the air,” admitted Mark. “We’ve made a bit of a plan, but it all depends on this young man.”

“Oh?”

“Well there’s a couple of places we wouldn't go anyway with him.”

Fernando nodded, remembering that of course some destinations were not so welcoming to a family such as theirs.

“Then it depends on how he’s doing, if he’s teething again, that kind of thing.”

“I see.”

“Ideally we’re gonna come along to Japan and America and then probably Brazil.”

“Oh okay. Why those?”

Mark shrugged again.

“Just spreading it out a bit really and I guess we’ve had some good times in Japan, though it’s a bit of a way so we’ll see, and then Austin’s nice so I think we’d be alright there and then, well...” He paused, not wanting to say why Sao Paulo was significant to them. “Just be good to go to a few at least. I mean originally I was going to bring Teddy to pretty much all of them, but I’m afraid we’ve learnt it’s not so simple.”

“Travelling?”

“Ah you know we’re very spoilt with the plane so that does make it easier, but he’s still not wild about flying and then yeah I guess it’s just living out of a suitcase, hotels, motor-homes. They do all they can to accommodate us, but it’s not home and sometimes really that’s just where he needs to be, you know?”

“I see.”

“I miss Seb of course and he misses us, but we just have to make sacrifices.”

“Mm.”

“I’m sure I’ll still see you at some point,” promised Mark.

“Oh I did not mean for that,” assured Fernando. “Though of course, yes, do let me know if you are to come and I should be glad to see you.”

“Sure.” 

 

Mark gave Teddy a smile, then seeing him cheered up now he put his hands under his arms to stand him up on his legs, bouncing the baby up and down to make him laugh. Teddy giggled delightedly, boinging those little muscles to try jumping up and down and reaching out his hands to touch his father’s face. Mark laughing and teasing the baby by pretending to bite those tiny fingers pawing him which Fernando thought odd, but seemed hilarious to both father and son.

“Dada!” gurgled Teddy as Mark did it again.

Mark pulled him in to give him a kiss and Teddy wound his arms around his neck to snuggle in.

“Dadada-Papa,” burbled Teddy.

Mark hugged him then smiled at his friend.

“See? Urgh, how could it not all be worth it?”

“Dada-Papa,” Teddy repeated, trying to keep his father’s attention.

“Yeah mate. Dada-Papa love you.”

The baby repeated it over again and Mark rested his cheek by the top of his head, looking over at his friend.

“Aussie Grit,” he laughed ironically. “My kid says Dada and I’m jelly.”

 

Fernando could only smile back. His friend was no longer the man he once knew, but he clearly had no regrets. Fernando was almost jealous. Before he could say anything else though he saw Sebastian approaching, balancing a plastic bowl with a spoon stuck in what looked to him like mush, a packet of wipes and a bib and tea-towel in his hands. As he got closer Mark sat Teddy down on the rug so he could help Seb set everything down and Fernando knew he was excess to requirements. He got up and excused himself, Teddy’s parents already busy fighting to get a bib on  their son without the bowl of stewed vegetables getting kicked over by a flailing little foot or hand, before attempting to feed him it.

  


Wandering over to get himself a drink, Fernando found DC talking to Daniel under the gazebo.

“You been volunteering to do a spot of babysitting?” joked DC.

Fernando took a sip of his drink and laughed.

“No I do not think they would ask me.”

“Not your bag?” teased Daniel.

“I think my talents lie elsewhere,” commented Fernando dryly.

They stood around talking, discussing where they thought the season would go and sharing a little gossip from the paddock. Fernando found himself gazing over at the group he had left, the little family still on the rug on the lawn. It seemed Teddy had eaten all he was going to of the food he was offered and now they had tidied him and themselves up, Seb and Mark were relaxing together, not feeling the need to rush off tending to their guests so much now. He watched the way Sebastian leaned into Mark’s side and though they had their backs to him, Fernando could tell they were busily doting on their son who it looked like was sat on Mark’s knee again. 

“You alright mate?” asked Daniel. “Not getting clucky are you?”

“Hm?” frowned Fernando. “What is clucky?”

“Like a chicken,” teased David.

“Chicane?”

The other two fell about laughing while Fernando looked on at a loss for what was so funny.

“Never mind mate,” consoled David. 

“I do not understand.”

“No. I wouldn't worry. Just our daft sense of humour.”

“You were staring at them,” pointed out Dan.

“Who?”

Daniel raised an eyebrow thinking it was quite obvious who.

“Them, Seb and Mark.”

“Oh.” Fernando shrugged. “It is just nice to see, no? They are happy.”

“Sickeningly so.”

“It makes you sick?”

“No. Ah heck,” sighed Daniel. “I’m just winding you up mate. You’re right, it’s good they’re happy. Cute kid, cosy family life buried in the English countryside. Not really my scene, but it works for them, so all power to ‘em.”

“Just so,” concurred David.

“Mm,” nodded Fernando thinking he still seemed to miss things in the English language when people were not clear about things. Even with Mark he could not always tell when he was being sarcastic. It made him feel foolish, which he hated, even if people had no intent on making him feel that way. He took a sip of his drink and waited a couple of minutes so it didn’t look as though he was walking away in a huff, then sought out another group he could go talk to on the other side of the garden.

“Forgive me, I said I would speak with Jenson.”

“Going to find out more about the wonderful world of WEC?” teased DC.

“Perhaps,” Fernando teased back, before walking away leaving them wondering.

  


They watched him go, then David shrugged to Daniel.

“Making plans perhaps?”

“Maybe,” agreed Daniel.

DC looked out to where Fernando had been sat earlier. Their hosts were now lying down on the rug, Seb’s head propped on Mark’s shoulder as Mark dangled a laughing baby above them, Teddy reaching down to his parents faces and waggling his legs about before being lowered in to lie with them  in a collective family cuddle .

“Playing at being Superman,” observed Dan.

“Hm?”

“Them two, well Teddy I guess doing the flying.”

“Ah.”

Daniel laughed, “yeah, guess I was staring too.”

“There is something oddly hypnotising about them,” admitted David. “Dunno what it is.”

“Don’t you?” smiled Dan.

David looked back to him and chuckled.

“Right, c’mon,” he encouraged, “let’s stop lurking in here and go round up some more good gossip for when the season starts again.”

Daniel nodded and clinked his drink against David’s before they headed back out into the sunshine.

  


  


  


By six pm many of their guests were starting to leave, many having long journeys onwards. Mark and Sebastian stood with Lewis and his brother Nic on the doorstep to say goodbye. Lewis had stolen another hold of Teddy and was currently pulling faces at him, making the pair of them laugh as Teddy kept patting at his face.

“Really good of you guys to come,” thanked Mark.

“Glad we could,” assured Nic. “Thanks for inviting us.”

“Bub-bub-bubba,” laughed Lewis, grinning at the baby.

“Good to be here, wasn’t it?” encouraged his brother.

“Huh?” Lewis looked at him, then their hosts. “Oh yeah, thanks really nice to have a properly relaxed day. And great to see this little guy again. Yeah? You love your Uncle Lewis dontcha?”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“You are gonna give him back aren’t you mate?”

“Hmm,” teased Lewis. “Tempting not to, but I’ve got my babies.”

He finally handed Teddy back to Sebastian, giving the baby’s round cheek a last chub.

“You could have brought them you know,” commented Seb. “The dogs I mean.”

“Ah they’re at Dad’s. That’s where we’re off now.”

“Oh okay. Well, next time.”

“You doing this annually then?”

Seb looked to Mark.

“Um, yeah maybe. It’s nice to get people together.”

“Reckon we’ll try and see if folk are free again next year.”

“You’re both invited of course.”

“Thanks,” nodded Nic.”

“Yeah cheers. Right well I guess we’d better get going. I spose I’ll see you soon,” noted Lewis.

Seb puffed a heavy breath at that, making him laugh.

“Not looking forward to Spa?” Lewis teased.

“I think we could just do with a longer break.”

“Mm. Ah well.”

“We’ll see you there,” assured Mark.

“Yep. Well, thanks again and bye-bye Teddy.”

Nic smiled at the baby as well and then they said their final farewells before the brothers left and Mark shut the door.

 

“Right, mostly family left now I reckon.”

Seb nodded.

“Shall we start up cooking up some dinner or leave it a while?” he wondered.

Mark shrugged.

“Let’s go ask around. See what consensus is.”

  


  


Soon the family plus godparents were the only ones remaining, now easily seated around the tables which had all been brought out under the slowly fading sun as they ate another meal, the atmosphere rather calmer and quieter than earlier. As they tucked into their food Mark and Sebastian allowed Teddy to be passed about a bit. They were sitting at the end near Christian, Jess and Jenson, knowing they would be off not long after this and wanting to give them some time with Teddy. The baby currently sat on Christian’s knee as he attempted to eat some barbecued chicken and salad. Eventually Mark took pity on him and retrieved his son, only for Jessica to offer to hold him for a while. He didn’t say no, knowing that it might be some time before they saw them again.

“You know you could always come visit us in Monte Carlo,” offered Jenson.

Sebastian smiled.

“Have us stay in your flat?”

“Well, um.”

“I think the other way around would be easier mate,” pointed out Mark.

“Yes you’re welcome to stay again, maybe in…” Seb paused as he mentally ran through the race calendar in his head. “Well, I’m not sure, but at some point.”

“We’d love to,” agreed Jessica. “I’m sure we’ll find a time we’re all free. At the end of the season if not before.”

“Great.”

Mark turned to Christian.

“And you too mate, you’re only down the road so you’ll have to come for Sunday lunch again soon.”

“Any time we’re not racing,” agreed Christian.

“We could always stop by if I’m visiting my folks here,” added Jenson. “Doesn’t have to be a big visit.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark. “Just give us a shout.”

“Obviously mostly to see this little guy, not you,” teased JB.

Mark rolled his eyes while Jess tsk’d at her husband.

“What it is to be popular,” offered Christian.

Mark laughed and reached over to touch his son’s cheek. Popular indeed.

  


  


As they all cleared away and their mothers brooked no refusal in their insistence on washing up despite the presence of a dishwasher in the kitchen, Mark and Sebastian said goodbye to Jess, Jenson and Christian before returning to get Teddy his evening bottle and going back outside. The youngsters were at the back of the garden playing a knock-up game of cricket with help from Dean and Leanne and  _less_ help from the dogs trying to steal the tennis ball they were using and generally getting in the way. Mark and Seb veered  well away  to the left-hand side where Stef and Jan were helping their daughter play on the slide. 

They went to sit by them, Mark holding Teddy as he tried to feed him, but the baby was distracted by his cousin having fun and soon they had to abandon the bottle in favour of letting him join in playing, the two sets of parents taking turns to slide their little ones down until Teddy wore himself out and allowed himself to be taken back. Seb now fed him as they all watched Sofie amusing herself by toddling in and out of the teepee, apparently finding playing peekaboo with her father endlessly amusing as she dipped in and out of the entrance.

 

The dogs had come over, having abandoned the game on the far side of the lawn. They sidled up to their masters, then nosed in towards Teddy who pulled away from the bottle at the new distraction. Seb set the bottle down on the grass a moment to let him reach out to the dogs, Simba getting close enough to let the baby pat his nose, Teddy smiling as if entertained by the sensation. Sofie came o ver and began poking at both Shadow and Simba who patiently allowed her to do so. Only when the little girl tried pulling at Shadow’s ear did Jan pick her up and redirect her to playing in the teepee again.

“Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“Don’t worry, they’re used to it.”

“They’re very good with children,” observed Stefanie.

Mark nodded.

“Good job really.”

“I think they understand little ones need allowances made,” stated Seb sitting Teddy up a fraction.

 

The baby roughly patted at Simba’s face, ignoring Mark’s attempts to demonstrate how to properly stroke him. The dog merely looked back at the baby, then as  Teddy reached out that  tiny hand again  Simba licked it. Sebastian automatically pulled Teddy back, but the little boy kept his hand out-stretched, laughing and gurgling before strain ing forwards and opening his own mouth as if he was about to try to lick the dog back.

“Oh lord,” laughed Mark. 

“ _Mark_ ,” complained Seb as he struggled to keep Teddy back.

Mark shook his head at the dogs.

“Licking is off the agenda boys.”

“I’m trying to feed him.”

“Yep. Alright.”

 

Mark turned around and looked over to the kids playing cricket. He put two fingers in his mouth and whistled, getting them to look his way.

“Fabe mate!”

He beckoned his young brother-in-law over and Fabian ran across the grass towards them.

“Hey.”

“Does us a favour mate, can you guys keep Shadow and Simba busy over with you for a bit?”

“Oh, sure. Come on boys, you can help me fielding.”

Mark gave the dogs a little push and they took the hint, scampering off after their energetic friend. Turning back to Seb, Mark offered a wipe for him to clean the baby’s hand, then Seb resumed feeding Teddy, the baby settling back down as he remembered that the milk was nice  and a little rest with his papa was quite nice too .

 

As more time passed Teddy paid less attention to anything else going on around him. He lay in Seb’s arms, his eyelids beginning to droop, his limbs going ever limper. Mark stroked over his head, now freed of the sunhat as the sun sank behind the treeline.

“Long day for you matey.”

“I think I should take him up,” decided Seb.

“Yeah, I’ll come.”

Just then Sofie toppled over as she attempted to run out of the tent again. Her father scooped her up, but she was already crying.

“Oh dear,” sighed Stef. “Not the only one who’s tired.”

“Mm,” agreed her husband. “Bedtime all-round I think.”

He stood with his little girl in his arms as Seb did the same with Teddy, Mark taking the bottle to ditch in the kitchen as they went through.

  


It didn’t take long to get him ready for bed, Seb holding Teddy as Mark carefully cleaned those two little teeth and tried at least giving him a wipe-clean rather than attempting a bath. Then as soon as they had him changed into his night onesie they put him down in his cot, and  then  without  them even needing to put the mobile on, the baby was asleep. 

“Out like a light,” commented Mark quietly.

Seb nodded, fighting the urge to reach in to stroke their baby’s pink cheek.

“It’s been a good day hasn’t it Liebling?”

Mark nodded and kissed his cheek.

“Really good sweetheart. Come on, let’s grab the monitor and go spend a bit of time with our folks, yeah?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

 

They stepped out onto the landing, shutting the nursery door behind them. As they passed the bathroom the door was open and they could see Sofie’s parents attempting to do the same as them, the little girl already in her night-dress as her mother attempted to wipe her face only to be rewarded by a shriek as the toddler pulled away and pushed at her father who was trying to hold her still. Stefanie sighed as she saw her brother and brother-in-law by the door.

“Are you okay?” checked Sebastian.

“She’s overtired,” explained his sister.

“No!” shouted Sofie.

“Yes you are.”

As Stef gave up and dumped the cloth in the sink, Jan picked a wriggling and still protesting child up, coming out onto the landing.

“Sorry. She’ll calm down and drop off.”

“Do you need anything?”

“Nope. Ah _Sofie_ , don’t be difficult.” 

“Nooo!” whined the toddler, getting sighs from both her parents.

 

Jan hitched the toddler up again and they disappeared off into their bedroom to put the little girl down into the loaned travel cot. As Seb opened the baby-gate at the top of the stairs Mark puffed a breath.

“We’ve got that to look forward to.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“At least Teddy’s being good. I hope she doesn’t wake him.”

Mark huffed a laugh as they exited the gate at the bottom of the stairs.

“Sweetheart right now I think she could be sat in the cot with him, screaming the place down and our Teddy would sleep through it.”

“He _was_ tired,” smiled Seb.

Mark put his arm around Sebastian as they stepped out into the garden.

“Yeah, me too a bit. I don’t suppose it’s gonna be a late one.”

“No.”

 

They went to sit  at a table by Leanne and Dean who had left the kids to their game. A couple of open bottles of wine littered the table so Mark looked through them to see what there was left.

“Ah, you know I fancy a bit of red,” he decided, thinking they’d not actually drunk much alcohol through the day.

As Seb set the monitor in front of them Mark looked about for some clean glasses. His brother-in-law got up.

“I’ll find some,” offered Dean. “You want one love?”

“Yeah why not?” Leanne agreed.

A moment later Dean returned with four clean wine glasses, Mark pouring for them.

“Seb?”

“Hm?”

Mark smiled.

“You having one?”

“Um, yeah okay, just a small one.”

“Sure.”

  


They sat and quietly sipped their drinks, Mel coming down from where both sets of parents sat at the far end of where the two tables had been put together.

“Where’s Stef?” she asked her brother.

“Doing battle with a recalcitrant toddler,” replied Mark before Seb could.

“Huh?”

“Sofie’s making a fuss,” translated Sebastian.

“Oh. Ha. Teddy go down okay?”

“Yeah he was already half-asleep.”

Leanne smiled, then looked out to her own children still energetically running around in the falling light, now playing a game throwing a ball for the dogs.

“Lordy I hope our lot wear themselves out.”

“Ah well leave them to it,” advised her husband. “They’re having fun.”

“They’ll probably still sit up talking in their tents half the night.”

Mark shrugged.

“Let ‘em. They’re not gonna keep us up out here.”

“They can lie-in tomorrow,” offered Sebastian. “We’re only planning on a brunch by elevenish.”

“A lie-in,” smiled Dean. “Now that sounds good.”

Mark coughed a dry laugh.

“If only Teddy agreed.”

 

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder, knowing it was inevitable that they would be up at dawn with their son come what may.

“Oh well Liebling we’ll just have to bring him in with us.”

Mark smiled and put his hand over Seb’s.

“Our fake lie-ins.”

Seb chuckled and Mel frowned.

“Fake lie-in?”

“We just bring Teddy in with us,” Seb explained to his sister.

“Have a little snuggle up in bed until we actually have to get up,” added Mark.

“Usually one of us grabs a bottle and that’s enough to keep him happy.”

Mel smiled, thinking she couldn't really tease them when that sounded so sweet. Leanne was smiling too thinking back to when her children were small enough to do that. 

  


A few minutes later Stefanie and Jan eventually emerged from the house, Stef setting down the monitor they had brought from home as the pair of them slumped into available seats.

“Any wine in there?” she asked.

Mark smiled and started checking bottles as Seb went to find glasses for them this time.

“That bad?” asked Mark.

Jan gave him a look  so Mark poured them both full glasses from another bottle. Stefanie took a sip then sighed, shaking her head.

“Honestly, what a fuss. Could you hear her?”

“Not out here,” Mark assured.

“Hmm.”

Seb nodded towards his sister’s monitor.

“Quiet now though.”

“Eventually,” remarked Stef darkly.

Leanne gave Stefanie a sympathetic smile.

“Please tell me it gets easier?” asked Stef.

Leanne exchanged a look with her husband.

“Um.”

“Oh god,” laughed Jan.

“Ah it does, kinda,” assured Dean.

“Kinda,” allowed Leanne, “but you may need more wine.”

 

The rest laughed and somehow the noise brought the younger generation over, the dogs coming with them before trotting into the kitchen for water and food. Seeing as the sun really was sinking now, Seb and Mark got up to collect a bunch of nightlights in jars that they had bought, lighting them and setting them about the table with the whole family gathered round now.  T he teenagers ha d foraged for more food and drinks, though under the watchful eyes of their parents neither Jemma nor Fabian risked trying to filch spare wine or beer despite being eighteen now.

  


Though they kept the baby monitors turned up and whenever anyone went inside to the toilet they were asked to quietly check on Teddy and Sofie, it seemed the youngest members of the family really had worn themselves out and stayed thankfully fast asleep allowing their parents to relax. Mark and Seb sipped their wine, leaning in together as the family chatted together about everything and nothing, making plans for a chilled-out Sunday, hoping that the weather would hold.

Mark leaned his head into Sebastian’s and let out a long sigh.

“You tired Liebling?”

“Bit.”

Mark accidentally let out a yawn, then laughed.

“Oh dear.”

His mother looked down at the table at him.

“I know how you feel.”

Her husband turned to her.

“You want to call it a night?” enquired Alan.

“Hm, yes I think perhaps we should.”

Heike looked to them as the other couple got up.

“You know I think that’s a good idea otherwise we’ll be fit for nothing tomorrow.”

Norbert nodded, knowing that was his cue.

“Guess we’ll be off to bed then,” he accepted.

Both sets of parents came down to the other end of the table to say goodnights.

“Now don’t you be tidying up,” warned Diane. “We can all have a go at that in the morning.”

“Sure Mum. Have a good night. No rush to get up remember,” reminded Mark.

“Of course. Night all.”

 

Once they were gone Mark looked to his sister across the table.

“You know it’s really very good of you to give up your room.”

“Yes,” agreed Seb. “I’m sorry. We need more bedrooms.”

“Nonsense,” dismissed Leanne. “We’re quite comfortable in the dining room.”

“On a blown-up bed though.”

“It’s really fine,” assured Dean. “Anyway we’re closer by this lot in case they need us.”

“Why would we need you?” frowned Jemma.

Her father shook his head.

“No reason. Just in case.”

“We really wouldn't have minded,” insisted Stefanie feeling guilty that their arrival the day before had bumped the other couple from a proper bedroom. “I didn’t realise until we got here.”

Leanne shook her head.

“Really we’re fine. You’ve got the baby and the cot and all her things. It’s fine. We’re perfectly happy aren’t we Dean?”

“Absolutely love. No hardship.”

“Could be worse,” joked Mel. “I’m on a camp bed in Mark’s study.”

Mark opened his mouth to apologise once more but Melanie laughed.

“I’m kidding. I’m fine in there. Anyway I’m keeping busy by rifling your desk drawers for personal stuff to read in bed.”

Mark laughed, knowing she was joking to underline the fact it was fine.

“Well at least you’re not sleeping outside,” chimed in Fabian.

“Hey you volunteered to camp again,” pointed out Sebastian.

“Well, yeah, but…” Fabian shrugged. “Aren’t we competing for worst deal?”

“No,” contradicted Mel, “we’re not. And if we were I’m pretty sure it’d be someone who’s most likely to get woken up by a crying baby in the middle of the night that wins.”

“Loses,” pointed out Jan.

“Ah, yeah.”

 

Mark shook his head, then as the dogs reappeared and wound around their legs he gave them a stroke.

“And to think these poor guys only get baskets to sleep in the kitchen. Hm? Hard done by aren’t you boys?”

“Not with the amount of bacon they got fed in there this morning,” argued Seb.

“Well there is that,” agreed Mark. “Ah well, nothing for it, we’ll just have to build another extension.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“For one weekend a year?”

“Ha, maybe not,” accepted Mark.

“Does that mean we’re coming again next year Uncle Seb?” piped up Ryan from past Fabian.

Sebastian glanced to Mark who smiled.

“Sure. If you can come, you’re all welcome.”

“If you can put up with make-do accommodation.”

“I don’t mind camping,” asserted Ryan.

His father laughed and reached over to ruffle his hair.

“Good lad. None of us mind. All good fun mucking in together.”

 

Seb and Mark smiled out as everyone took the opportunity to restate that they were all really perfectly content with arrangements too and would love to repeat this. Sebastian rested his head down on Mark’s shoulder as his brother and their nephew and nieces sat making plans for a far more energetic Sunday than they had in mind. 

The candles flickered in the now pitch dark and the air was distinctly cooler, but they were in no rush to move. It was almost the end of the summer. In just a couple of days they would be packing again, flying out to another race as the season with all its inherent pressures returned, but for now they had this and like their recovered lie-ins, they would make the most of this time.

  


Just as they were counting their blessings though, there came a crackling noise before the all too familiar _‘wahh, waahh,_ ’ cry came through one of the monitors. Both sets of parents with infants sat forwards, but Mark shook his head as he picked up their monitor, instantly recognising the distinct sound of their  young  son.

“Nope, that’ll be our little darling. You’re off the hook.”

He and Seb were already getting up.

“Probably nappy,” commented Sebastian.

“Mm.” Mark looked out at the group. “Guys I think that’ll be us out if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t think we’ll be up much longer,” assured Leanne.

“Will you make sure the candles are blown out?” Seb requested. “That’s the only important thing. Everything else can wait.”

“Course.”

  


They took their glasses to ditch in the kitchen, the baby monitor in Mark’s hand still blaring out the sound of their son calling for them until he switched it off as Seb opened up the baby-gate so they didn’t disturb those already asleep upstairs any more than necessary. Thankfully being an old building, the walls in their house were thick and  prevented Teddy from waking up Sofie and causing a chain-reaction of squalling infants. As they entered the nursery they made sure to quickly shut the door behind them. 

Teddy lay in his cot, arms aloft the moment he spotted his parents had appeared, so Seb scooped him out, cuddling him close to calm him as Mark put the monitor down. It didn’t take long to establish that it was indeed a nappy change that was required, the pair of them working together to clean their son up and get him changed and redressed as fast as possible. Even when that was done though, the baby continued to wail, having worked himself into a state in the time it had taken his parents to reach him.

Seb stood jigging him gently as Mark found some soothing music to put on, setting it playing from the iPod near the rocking chair.

“Shh Kleiner, shh now. You’re all nice again Liebling,” hushed Seb.

Mark came and leaned in to look at the baby crushing himself into Seb, soaking his t-shirt where his face pressed in at Seb’s shoulder.

“Alright now,” soothed Mark softly, trying to make sure the baby absorbed his voice, even if he wouldn’t look up at him. “Calm down Teddy.”

He smoothed over the baby’s back for a minute and between them they did succeed in getting their son to turn the volume down a little, but he was still unsettled and the moment Seb tried to put him back down in his cot Teddy wailed and clung tighter to him. Seb sighed and looked to Mark.

“Do you think it frightened him us not coming straight-away because we were outside?”

“Ah darling we were only a minute. I’m sure it’s not much longer than when we’re asleep.”

“Hmm.”

 

Teddy’s arms had gone around Seb’s neck and the little boy was clinging on like a limpet, clearly not wanting to be parted. Seeing as these days they were trying to be firm about just putting him down to settle, Sebastian knew he ought to be stronger, but the way his son was clutching at him went straight to his heart.

“Liebling I think we need to give him a bit of time to calm down.”

Mark stroked a finger over the bit of Teddy’s cheek that was exposed thinking that maybe like his cousin Sofie, little Teddy was over-tired.

“Alright,” he agreed.

“I’ll just sit with him for a bit,” Seb decided, already going over to the rocking chair near the window.

Mark went with him and placed a hand on Seb’s arm to get him to pause.

“Sit with me.”

“Hm?”

“Sit with me and we’ll just have a cuddle up.”

Sebastian gave him a smile, realising what Mark meant. Nothing made their son happier than snuggling with both his parents. Seb understood, because he couldn't think of many things better himself.

 

Mark sat down in the rocking chair, Sebastian waiting until he reached out a hand to help him sit holding Teddy,  whilst he sat in Mark’s lap. He rested into Mark and moved the baby to cradle him so he could look up at both of them, Mark wrapping his arms around the pair of them.

“There now,” soothed Mark. “Is that better kiddo? Hm, have a little cuddle with Daddy and Papa.”

Seb gently wiped Teddy’s cheeks dry and the baby began to slow, taking little shuddery breaths until they steadied. He stared up at his parents with those big blue eyes, murmuring slightly but too tired to make an effort to form anything like words.

Letting out a long sigh Sebastian rested his temple into Mark’s and they just sat for a couple of minutes, quiet seeping back into the nursery, backed only by the soft tones of the lullaby music playing at a low volume. Seb could feel the baby’s body relaxing in his arms, both him and Mark watching to see that little chest rising and falling more slowly.

 

Mark turned his head to kiss Seb’s cheek and the looked at one another for a moment, then down at Teddy to see his eyelids flickering telling them he would be asleep again soon.

“All better now,” whispered Mark.

“Yeah. Been a long day for him.”

“That’s true.” Mark smiled down at Teddy. “All tuckered out, aren’t you son?”

A wider smile spread over Sebastian’s face.

“Our son. It feels even more official now doesn’t it Liebling?”

“Guess it does,” agreed Mark. “Nice to celebrate it with all our family and friends.”

“Yeah. So many came. I’m really impressed.”

Mark huffed a little laugh thinking he hadn’t doubted it, but Seb still seemed amazed people would turn out for him.

“Yeah it’s nice. Think they all had a good time.”

“Mm.”

“They certainly ate enough grub.”

Sebastian laughed and Teddy’s eyes opened a little more at the movement.

“Sorry Schatz,” whispered Seb. “Shh, off to sleep now Kleiner.” 

“C’mon on then sweetheart before all three of us fall asleep here,” Mark decided.

 

Seb nodded and Mark helped him to stand without disturbing the baby w ho he very carefully placed down into the cot and tucked him in under the light summer blanket. 

“Love you Teddy,” whispered Sebastian.

Mark who had been switching off the iPod came to put his arm around Seb and nodded down at their son.

“Yeah we love you. All our family loves you. Everybody loves you Teddy. You’re a very popular kid.”

Seb huffed a laugh at that, then turned on the mobile to encourage their son to go to sleep, then slipped his hand into Mark’s.

“Bed then?”

“Definitely,” agreed Mark.

 

They dragged themselves to the bathroom before climbing into bed. They day was over and likewise the summer break was almost over too. Soon it would be a return to the season, to races and criss-crossing the world on flights to reach them. There would be partings, reunions, times when they lay alone in beds far from one another, lying awake missing each other, times Teddy kept them up, caused them worries, gave them as yet unknown joys. That was all to come. For now they weren’t thinking about any of that. They just cuddled up and rapidly fell into a deep, exhausted, but contented sleep.

  


 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warm summer's day in this when it's poured with rain here today. So instead I sit in the fantasy back garden, smelling the bbq and taking a nice sip of wine...


	236. Roving - Part 1

* * *

 

 

As the reached the end of August they were back to travelling, to racing. To managing, but never quite having enough time for their family. First there was Spa, which wasn’t too bad. It was only a short hop to the continent with their private plane, though the rain was incessant which meant Mark spent even more time cooped up in the RedBull motorhome. Sebastian managed a decent third place there however, so they could count it as a reasonable success. Plus, given the fact they were travelling west with only only an hour’s time difference, it effectively only took the time driving to and from the airport to get home, which meant they could be back before dinner in plenty of time to feed Teddy, put him to bed and get their own dinner before catching the race highlights on Channel 4 and going to bed.

It was a good job that Spa was so easy logistically seeing as Monza was on the next weekend and as always with back-to-back races, the dash home was followed by a snatched couple of days off before they were leaving again. They tried not to spoil the time at home by worrying too much about what was coming up, but the truth was both Seb and Mark knew that the autumn wasn’t going to be easy.

Once they were past the European part of the season, from late September onwards Sebastian would largely be travelling alone, Mark left at home caring for Teddy. It was what they had decided and they were both agreed that it was for the best, but that didn’t mean either one of them were looking forward to being apart so much. There was no easy path. They would just have to cope and make the most of the time that they did have together in-between races and at those few races where they did plan to attend together.

They had looked over their plans countless times and there was no way that Seb could even hear October without his heart sinking a little. Four races in a month. _Four_. Even by the packed standards of modern F1 calendars four races in one month was pushing it. Oh and across two continents on opposite sides of the world no less, just to make it harder still. They were already looking forward to the end of November when the season would end and they would have the winter break and Christmas too. That raised a smile, but it was a long way off yet.

For now they faced another challenge: Monza.

There was no way that it was ever going to be just another race for them. This year wasn’t quite as daunting as they year before, but it wasn’t easy either. Seb still faced media questions about how it felt to be there again which of course he couldn't answer with the honest reply that it would be a whole lot better if they just left him alone to get on with racing.

For him though, once he did get down to working, it was pretty much fine. He put all his efforts into focussing entirely on the job in hand and nothing else to the extent that at times, at least whilst in the garage, Seb could almost forget which race he was at. When he was driving his mind was too full of coping with doing everything he needed to do, so that was okay. It was really only when he was under the media microscope that Sebastian struggled at all and even then he always viewed questions from the consideration of how Mark and the rest of his family must be feeling. 

It was Mark who endured the real ordeal. He did his best not to focus on the past, making every effort to support Sebastian and distracting himself with looking after and entertaining their son, but even so Mark found his mind drifting if he wasn’t careful. His eyes were always drawn to the run-off at the Parabolica curve and when he watched Seb drive past it Mark couldn’t stop himself holding his breath, his heart beating a little faster until his Seb was safely past and on his way.

 

As they sat tucked away in Sebastian’s room watching the race on the Sunday afternoon, Mark did his level best to ignore the fact that the bright blue sky and strong early autumn sunshine was eerily reminiscent of that day two years ago when his world had fallen apart. When Mark thought of ‘getting through the start unscathed’ he really meant himself, though naturally that was predicated on Seb doing the same. Now they were part-way through the race Mark was dividing his attention between making sure his husband was safe and trying to avoid passing on any of his nerves to his son.

Seb was at the end of another lap, going down the long straight again, the engine pushing up past 350 kph as he approached the curve ahead. In his head there was only room for thoughts of whether he had got within one second of the car ahead to gain DRS so he could attempt a pass on the pitlane straight and how late he could leave braking to turn.

For Mark however it was torture time again. Teddy held on his knee ignored for a few seconds as his father stared anxiously at the screen ahead before letting out a little puffed breath as Sebastian made the bend and sped on, almost but not quite pulling an overtake before chasing again. Mark looked back to Teddy as Seb had to settle for looking for another opportunity. He gave his son a smile.

“See, Papa’s fine kiddo. Bet he makes that pass on the next DRS zone.”

Mark lifted the baby up and turned him to face him, smiling again whilst only keeping half an eye on how Seb was doing.

“Whatcha think darling? Hmm? Papa gonna overtake?”

Teddy bounced on Mark’s legs and reached out to him.

“Papa-gabah-bagah-dada.”

Mark laughed for the first time that day and looked properly at his son before giving that tiny snub nose a kiss.

“Good boy darling. Quite right. Papa will get by him in a bit I’m sure. He’ll be fine and Daddy should stop worrying so much. Absolutely mate.”

Teddy leaned in and would his arms around Mark’s neck as Mark hugged him in, placing his cheek by that baby soft one and only glancing to the TV to be completely certain that the third part of their family really was fine. As Teddy pressed his cheek back against Mark’s he let out a long sigh. Only another half hour of this to endure and then he could relax.

 

 

By the time Sebastian was able to come back up to his room to change after the race he was feeling pretty pissed off with how things had turned out. He wasn’t too enamoured of the media either seeing as he had spent the last twenty minutes having to explain why he had only finished in fourth after things had seemed so promising earlier on. The strategy the team had opted for hadn’t worked out. Just one of those things and on another day it might have gone the other way so Seb couldn't really blame them, but it was annoying nonetheless and having to explain that over and over certainly hadn’t helped.

He took a calming breath as he reached the door to his room, not wanting to project his mood to his waiting family. It was fine, he reconciled. Fourth wasn’t so bad. Could be worse.

 

As he opened the door and Mark leapt up off the bed to hug him, Teddy in one arm swept in too, all negative thoughts evaporated from Sebastian’s mind as he appreciated what that hug meant. Seb hugged them both back and smiled as Mark kissed him.

“You okay?” he checked.

Mark gave him a wry smile.

“I am now.”

“Yeah.”

Seb nodded and gave him another hug. They had avoided discussing the past prior to the race as Seb had needed to focus and Mark hadn’t wanted to harp on about things and make him worry, but that hug before Sebastian left for the grid had been a long one and they both knew what it meant.

Taking Mark’s free hand to give it a squeeze, Seb gave him a sympathetic smile as they sat down on the bed together.

“Done now,” he offered.

Mark let out a little laugh. It was honestly all he really cared about today. The race was over and Seb was safe back with him. That was all that mattered.

“Yeah.”

“I mean _fourth_ ,” Seb shrugged, “but still.”

“You’re back with me darling. That’s the only result I need.”

Sebastian leaned into his side and they sat quietly for a moment before Seb took Teddy to give him a smile.

“Have you been a good boy for Daddy Liebling?”

Mark smiled and chubbed their son’s cheek.

“Yeah. Good lad. You gave Papa a wave didn’t you?”

Seb jigged Teddy a little.

“Did you Schatz? Did you wave to me? Hmm? Wave to Papa?”

“Papa,” echoed Teddy.

Sebastian beamed at that and forgot all about his previous disappointment with the race. How could he be unhappy when he came back to this? His loving family waiting for him, only concerned with seeing him. _Strategy-smatergy_. Whatever. Who cared when he had ten days at home after this? Seb gave Teddy a smile, then looked to Mark, knowing how hard it must have been to watch him race here.

"Love you."

Mark smiled back.

"Love you too."

“Okay Liebling, I’m gonna grab a quick shower,” declared Seb, handing Teddy back to him with a kiss. “Sooner I get on with things, the sooner we can go home.”

“Now there’s a plan,” agreed Mark.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Though they had been researching it since the summer, it was not until after they got back from Monza that they finally got around to actually going out to look at new car options. As usual they had taken Monday as a day off, getting something akin to a lie-in, cuddling up in bed together for an hour or so. Then they spent a nice relaxed day, just doing what they wanted to and appreciating spending time as a family.

On the Tuesday Pauline volunteered to babysit Teddy so that they could go on a trip to the car show-room without having to worry about him if they needed to take one for a test-drive. As they drove to the show-room in their usual family car, Sebastian consulted the notes he had made in preparation whilst Mark drove, trying not to tease Seb about how thorough he was.

“Liebling I’m still not entirely sure if it’s a Land Rover or Range Rover,” Sebastian admitted.

Mark glanced over to him.

“I don’t think it much matters to be honest. Basically the same thing I reckon.”

“You don’t think we’ll look stupid?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Darling they’re the ones who are meant to be the experts. We’ll just rock up and tell ‘em what we need, have a look at some and see if we fancy giving any of them a spin.”

“Okay. Yeah.” Seb looked down at his notes again. “There’s just so many options.”

Reaching over to place his hand on his husband's knee, Mark gave him a smile.

“It’ll be fine. We know what we want.”

Seb nodded.

“Yep.” He looked up. “Oh Liebling, there it is.”

 

Mark saw where Seb was pointing and turned in, finding a spot in customer parking. Sebastian tucked his notes away in the glove box, not wanting to appear too geeky. This time Mark couldn’t help teasing him just a little.

“Got them memorised sweetheart?”

Sebastian pulled a face so Mark leaned over to give him a kiss.

“Only teasing sweetheart. You know we’d be lost without all your research.”

Seb shook his head, but he had a smile on his face as they climbed out of the car. As they walked over to the entrance they could see rows of new cars on offer parked outside, all polished to a gleaming finish. Seb slipped his hand into Mark’s, feeling suddenly and quite unaccountably, nervous. He felt better as Mark automatically squeezed his hand and sent him a smile. Seb told himself not to be silly. He spent his life being judged. Why should he care what whoever they were about to meet here would think of them? If they were trying to sell them something then surely they would be nice to them, no matter what they thought of him and Mark being a couple.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

“Yep.”

 

Mark let go of his hand to open the door for him and Sebastian stood a little taller as he walked inside. There was an array of different models of all-terrain cars on display inside as well, so they both looked across at them before trying to see where there might be a reception desk where they could ask to speak to someone. They couldn’t see anyone about, but then as it was early on a Tuesday morning, the place was almost deserted.

Mark was just about to wander over and call out hello when a man in his early thirties appeared. In addition to his smart suit the man wore a broad professional smile, ready to greet some potential buyers. The moment he took in who was before him however, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped a little before he hurriedly recomposed himself.

Mark tried not to laugh at the sight. It was all too obvious from his stunned expression that he recognised them. Mark supposed that it was perhaps hardly that someone in the car industry might have an interest in racing. The man approached them, his hand already out-stretched and that smile fixed back in place.

“Good morning. How can I help you today?”

Mark shook that hand, followed by Seb.

“We were hoping to have a bit of a reccy of some cars mate.”

“Of course. Well, you’ve certainly come to the right place. Do you know what you want already, or would you just like to have a look around?”

Mark and Seb looked to one another.

“I think if we just have a look about first?” suggested Sebastian.

“Absolutely. Feel free to have a wander in here, outside, wherever you like. The cars inside are all open of course so if you fancy having a sit inside, open up the boot, just check them out. If you want any outside opening up, or you need anything at all, my name is Andy, so just give me a shout.”

“Righto.”

 

Mark gave him a nod and the man wandered over to a desk over to the side where a computer sat. He stood trying not to look as though he was watching them too closely. As they rounded one of the large off-roaders and went out of sight Mark finally let out a tiny laugh and shook his head at Seb.

“Oh heck. Guess we should have seen that coming.”

“He knows us,” agreed Seb.

“I’d say that’s a yes. Ah well. Right, let’s just have a look at those over there and then we can run through what we really need, yeah?”

Sebastian nodded and they continued their tour before going over to the desk. As they walked across the show-room they couldn't miss that two other members of staff had appeared, all three having a discussion that broke up as they saw them approaching. The other two salesmen melted away to look busy elsewhere as Andy stood to meet them, that smile in evidence once more.

“So then, any thoughts?” he enquired.

“Yeah, so um we we’ve been having a bit of a think in advance,” explained Mark.

“We’ve kindof got an idea of what we want,” Seb added.

“Great. Okay, well why don’t you take a seat and we can see what’s what?” the salesman offered, indicating two seats on the other side of the desk. “Can I get you a coffee, tea, water?”

“Um, coffee maybe,” accepted Seb. “Liebling?”

“Sure,” nodded Mark. “Two black no sugar mate, cheers.”

 

A minute later the salesman came back through a doorway they hadn’t noticed before, bearing two steaming cups which he set down in front of Seb and Mark before taking his seat, a couple of brochures arranged in front of him ready to be consulted. He waited while his clients had a sip of their drink, then began.

“So, you mentioned you had some thoughts on what you were looking for?”

The man was all prepared for them to launch into their requirements for the most powerful and sporty of all-terrain vehicles, so he tried not to look thrown as Seb started up.

“Okay, so basically what we want is as much space as possible. We need room for our dogs in the back and a baby-buggy and all the rest of our stuff and we’ll want to be getting our bikes on the back, so a bike-rack would be useful.”

“We’re really looking for safety as a main feature,” chipped in Mark. “We’ll need a baby seat fixed in the back, so we need plenty of room for that.”

“Ah, of course,” nodded the salesman smoothly, remembering that they had a family to accommodate. He made a couple of quick notes, then appraised Mark sat opposite him. “Now if you’re thinking size, our largest model does in fact come in an extended wheel-base option to give extra leg-room and head-room.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Might be an idea, though we were really thinking about the boot. Does that give us more space all-round then?”

“Yes, not a huge amount more, but more than standard.”

“Think that’d be worth considering then.”

Sebastian looked to Mark, thinking he hardly needed extra leg-room himself, but it would be good that Mark was comfortable.

“Will you be wanting to do much off-roading?” enquired the salesman.

Mark puffed a little breath.

“Well we’re not exactly planning to take a jaunt up Kilimanjaro mate, more muddy country lanes.”

“Ah I see.”

“Maybe a bit of rough driving,” added Seb. “Unmarked roads and just, well, like fields where you have to park and tracks to get there.”

“The odd gravel trap,” offered Mark, making both he and Seb smile.

 

The salesman seemed to miss the joke, merely noting more down as he nodded along. Having established that it really was a family utility vehicle that was required, he moved on, trying to explain all the features available. He attempted to sing the praises of all the mod-cons on offer in terms of comfort and entertainment, but then Seb began quizzing him on all the technical aspects about the car’s engine and performance, asking about everything from fuel-consumption to torque and even the recommended tyre pressure. When Mark joined in, asking more detailed questions about reliability the salesman began to quaver, flicking through his brochures to double-check details rather than get it wrong and searching on his computer to see what was available.

After another couple of minutes of this the salesman tried looking over to his colleagues for help, but seeing as they were attempting not to be seen staring over, he failed to catch their eye.

“Um, I’m so sorry, would you excuse me a moment? I just want to grab a quick word with my manager.”

 

As the man dashed away Seb turned to Mark.

“Are we being mean?”

“What?”

“Interrogating him?”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“It is his job to know this stuff sweetheart.”

“I spose.”

The salesman returned, now accompanied by an older man who had an easier air of confidence about him. He shook both their hands as they rose to meet him, waving them to sit down before grabbing an extra chair and looking over the notes left on the desk before nodding.

“Right then. Let’s get stuck in,” he declared.

 

It was a good twenty minutes before they had run through everything. The salesmen seemed to struggle with the notion that neither Seb nor Mark particularly cared what colour or finish the exterior or interior of the car had, or what the design wheel-trim was like, but as they insisted that they had no interest in anything showy, the men admitted defeat and the plainest of black and merely ‘comfortable and practical’ suggested for the interior was written down with much furrowing of brows.

“Pretty much wipe-clean is our main requirement,” explained Mark.

The two salesman looked askance at him and Mark tried not to laugh, wondering what on earth they might be thinking he meant.

“You know, with a baby.”

“Oh right, yes I see.”

Mark hid another smile. He wondered if they were disappointed at the disappearing possibilities of added extras increasing their commission, but he and Seb had zero interest in anything that might be considered flashy or ostentatious. Indeed, their main objective in terms of appearance was actually to be as unobtrusive as possible.

“Okay,” stopped the manager, trying not to sigh and resuming the smile on his face. “I think that covers it. Now, with all your requirements I have to confess we don’t have an example that entirely covers what you want, though I can show you our largest model outside.”

“So that would be the long wheel-base one?” checked Mark.

“Yes, so of course you’re welcome to take it for a test-drive, however with the additional engine spec and everything else, I would have to arrange for a model meeting those specifications to be brought over from another branch.”

“Ah, okay.”

Sebastian frowned a little, but he supposed not everyone had the background they did and might well be sold what the show-room had to hand and wanted to sell them.

“Could you do that then?” he requested.

“Of course,” agreed the manager. “I tell you what, why doesn’t Andy here show you the one we’ve got outside, just to get a feel of the design, while I ring round and see what I can find for you?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark, Seb nodding along.

 

Outside they were shown around what was the same basic model as the car they wanted, checking the boot and the back seat before they looked at the front where they would sit.

“So you can fix a baby-seat for us?” checked Mark.

“Absolutely. We do our own.”

Seb furrowed his brow to Mark.

“He likes the one he’s got though Liebling.”

“Hmm.”

“Or we can fit your existing one so it is properly secure,” offered the salesman quickly, eager to please.

“Ah, yeah that might be better mate.”

 

Mark stood by the open back door by the rear seats, thinking how much easier it would be to lift Teddy in and out at this level rather than bending into the car as they did presently.

“And the dog screen for the boot?” checked Seb.

“Easily fitted. Again we supply our own.”

“Okay.”

“Would you like to sit in the front?” asked the man. “Essentially the layout is the same with just a few tweaks here and there to meet what you are interested in.”

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

He opened up the front doors for them, Seb going around to the other side.

“So this is the version with extra leg-room?” asked Seb.

“Yes indeed, not visually a huge amount more, but a little extra can make all the difference,” offered the salesman.

Sebastian caught Mark’s eye through the opened up car and tried not to laugh as he spotted him grin at what he knew Mark would be taking as an innuendo. Instead Seb smiled at the man.

“More for one of us than the other perhaps,” he suggested before climbing into the car, finding the experience of going up rather than down a little strange.

“Mm,” smiled Mark as he stretched out his legs. “A little extra’s no bad thing is it sweetheart?”

Sebastian sent Mark a look, telling him they had better put a halt to this.

“Seems very comfy,” he praised generally.

Mark leaned over to him and whispered.

“Do you think if we ask nicely they’ll do us molded seats?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Pop down to the factory with it you reckon?”

Mark chuckled.

“Course the downside would be one of us would be stuck as always driver or passenger.”

“Mm, maybe not then?”

“Nope, guess not.”

 

The salesman had politely left them to it for a while, but now he came closer again on the driver side of the car.

“So if you want the key so you can have a play with all the features, see the set-up on the dash and so on and I can run through it with you?” he offered.

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

 

Five minutes later they finally came back inside to find the manager waiting to tell them he had located a version of the car that fulfilled all their numerous requirements.

“If you wanted to have a test drive then they can bring it over,” he announced.

“When for?” enquired Sebastian.

“Ah well it’d be coming from one of our London showrooms so I’m not sure we could get that turned around today. Could we say same time tomorrow?”

Seb looked to Mark who nodded. Seeing as their time between races was limited they never saw the point in hanging around with things.

“Sure,” Seb consented.

 

 

As they drove home Mark could see Seb mulling things over as he took his turn driving.

“Alright?” he checked.

“Yep. Just thinking.”

“Mm?”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“Are we crazy paranoid for asking for tinted windows in the back?”

Mark shook his head.

“No I don’t think so. It’s not full black out.”

“I guess.”

“Anyway we can see what it looks like tomorrow. If it’s too much we just change our mind. We’re not committed to anything.”

“No I spose. And I mean they’d protect Teddy from the sun as well.”

 

Mark smiled. He knew it wasn’t entirely the glare of the sun Seb was considering, but to his mind a little peace of mind was well worth it.

“Sure,” he concurred. “We can just see what we think.”

“Okay. It’s not like we’re going to be drawing attention to ourselves anyway is it?” decided Seb.

“Nope. All very dull. I think they were a bit gutted we weren’t going for the bling.”

Sebastian laughed.

“No. Lewis would be very disappointed in us.”

“Ha. I’ll bet. Nah sweetheart you see tonnes of Land Rovers and the like round these parts. Posh folk, farmers, mums on the school run. We’re not gonna stand out.”

“No I suppose not. Ours’ll be one of the muddy ones.”

Mark chuckled.

“Too right. Folk’ll think we’re farmers most likely.”

“Pretty well off farmers.”

“Mm, true. Anyway we’ll give it a whirl and make our mind up, yeah?”

“Yeah. Feels good to get stuff done doesn’t it?”

Mark smiled.

“Absolutely. Right then, home and we can have a think what we want to do with the rest of our day.”

 

Sebastian crossed the junction then looked back to Mark.

“We’d better be extra nice to Pauline Liebling if we’re gonna ask her to babysit again tomorrow morning.”

“I’m always nice.”

“Extra nice,” emphasised Sebastian.

Mark rolled his eyes.

“Sweetheart you know getting to spend time with our Teddy is the biggest treat Pauline can think of.”

“But we should pay her extra.”

“Course.”

“Don’t say anything, just add it in her wages,” Seb insisted. “You know what she’s like. If you tell her, she’ll say not to.”

Mark nodded.

“Sure.”

 

Sebastian went quiet for a moment and Mark wondered what he was thinking, then he spoke up.

“You know, that little car she drives is so old Liebling. We should buy her a new one.”

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Crikey darling, that’s quite a tip for babysitting.”

Sebastian tsk’d and shook his head.

“Not for babysitting. Well, not directly. I was thinking for her birthday.”

“Bit generous.”

 

Sebastian pouted and Mark felt bad. Sometimes he thought Seb didn’t quite appreciate what things were worth. Having been an F1 driver since his teens he had never really known what it was to scrape by, to budget and have to make do without things. To Seb a nice thing was just a nice thing. He bought presents based on how much he thought it would make the person happy. Whether that was an expensive bike or a book, Seb didn’t really consider what the cost of the item mattered. All Seb cared about was making a person smile with a thoughtful gift that they needed or would enjoy. In many ways Mark supposed that was a great attitude as Seb in turn didn’t care in the least what was spent on him as long as the gift came with love. He spent so much time worrying about how to show people he appreciated them though.

Mark reached over and gave Seb’s thigh a rub.

“Sweetheart it’s a lovely thought, but it’s like you said. We know what she’s like. Pauline would never accept such a big gift.”

“I wasn’t thinking anything flash. Just, well whatever she wanted. A run-around that’s just a bit newer.”

“And that’s very sweet darling. But she’d say no. Just like my mum and dad always do and your folks do when you try to offer them stuff like that.”

Sebastian sighed.

“We have all this money sat in the bank.”

“I know. You give plenty to charity though.”

“Strictly speaking that’s both of us.”

“Well, good. I’m glad to give it to those in need, but you don’t need to feel guilty about getting paid lots. That’s what the team value you at. it’s not like RedBull’s short of a few bob.”

 

Seb puffed a long breath. It was illogical really to him that he got paid so much money for doing something fun like racing when a nurse who saved lives got a pittance by comparison.

“I know,” he accepted.

“Someone like Dietrich, he’s a good bloke, but the more he has to shell out for you, the more he thinks of you. Just the way it goes in our world sweetheart.”

“I know, I know. It’s just… the price of the car we’re looking at buying. That’s way more than we pay Pauline in a year. It just…” Sebastian shrugged uncomfortably. “It seems wrong.”

Mark shook his head.

“Darling it may be. But sneaking a bit extra into Pauline's wages here and there for babysitting duty is hard enough to get past her. You know we pay her more than most would for being a housekeeper.”

“She’s so much more than that.”

Mark laughed.

“I know. But she has her pride darling.”

Sebastian let out the longest sigh.

“I don’t get it. Why is it that we get paid more and it means we’re valued, but we value Pauline and we can’t pay her more?”

Mark frowned a little. Seb’s logic was sound, but life wasn’t always logical.

“Well, I mean we could offer, but I doubt she’d accept.” He looked to Seb. “You can be pretty persuasive. Do you want to have a go?”

 

Sebastian stared out at the road a while. It had been hard enough getting her to agree to an upped rate of pay since Teddy had come to them and she had increased the number of days she worked.

“She’ll say no,” he conceded.

Mark shrugged.

“I’m not saying don’t offer.”

“Maybe a car is too much,” accepted Sebastian.

“I think maybe yeah.”

Sebastian furrowed his brow looking unhappy. Why wouldn’t those they cared about accept their generosity when it would make them happy to give it? Was it insulting to them?

“Do you think it would feel like charity?” he worried.

Mark gave his thigh a rub.

“It would be very kind and I think she’d see it as such.”

“But she’d say no.”

Mark nodded. He had known Pauline many years longer than Seb and though their relationship had changed, Pauline herself hadn’t. He tried to think of a solution, then considered what Seb had given him for his own birthday recently.

 

“You know, though the photos you got me are lovely, the work you’re doing for our little jaunt to the Lakes means a lot as my birthday present. You always put so much thought into stuff,” he offered.

Seb raised an eyebrow.

“Last year I promised you Wimbledon tickets and we never went.”

Mark laughed.

“Ha, okay I forgot about that. But you didn’t put a date on when we’d go. We’re busy with Teddy and a year ago you couldn’t know that.”

“We’ll go one year,” Seb vowed.

“Exactly. So maybe we should think of something nice we can do for Pauline.”

“Rather than money.”

“Yeah.”

“Like the tickets to visit her son in Canada,” noted Seb brightening up.

Mark smiled, deciding to omit the fact that was actually them buying her something again.

“Sure. Should be something we can do I reckon.”

“What about asking her for Sunday lunch, her and Henry,” proposed Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“Yeah why not? God knows when though.”

“We could look in the diary. Seeing as we don’t get many free Sundays it’d show her how much we appreciate her.”

“True. Right, there we go then,” agreed Mark. “And honestly sweetheart I’m not being facetious when I say she considers getting to look after Teddy as a gift. She loves him.”

“She’s like an extra grandma to him.”

Mark leaned over and kissed Seb’s cheek.

“You know what darling? I reckon you tell her that and she’d think that was better than anything you could buy.”

 

Seb pouted again, but this time Mark knew it was from different emotions. He would have hugged him if Seb hadn’t been driving. Pauline cared for them like family and Seb hardly knew how much stronger that bond had become since he had moved in. Mark and Pauline had always got on, she had always been indispensable, but it was since Seb had come to him that things had really changed.

It struck Mark that as usual, his husband failed to see the affect he had on people, the effort he put in to showing how he valued everyone around him and how much they appreciated it in turn. Seb was still grateful for any sign people actually cared about him. He was still surprised by anyone who valued him on a personal level in return. That he might be genuinely liked and even loved, remained a contradiction to all Seb had been persuaded about how worthless he was. It broke Mark’s heart a little to know that so much of that which had been broken inside still needed rebuilding, but it made him love Seb all the more.

 _Sod it,_ he thought.

“Can you pull over sweetheart?” Mark requested.

“Hm?” frowned Seb, pulled back from his thoughts. “Why?”

“Cos I need to give you a hug.”

 

 

 

 

 

A few days later they drove up the M6 heading for ‘The North’ as every motorways sign declared as they passed, Mark stretched out his legs while Seb drove, taking his turn after they had stopped at a service station for a pitstop twenty minutes back.

“Very nice,” he smiled.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Stretching your legs Liebling?”

“Yep. All the way out. Ahh, lovely.”

Seb nodded, glad to see him comfortable in their new car. It felt a little strange to adapt to such a different design to their normal family car, especially climbing up into it when he was used to slotting in as low as possible into his race car.

“What do you think driving it then?” asked Mark.

“Yeah, good.” Seb let out a laugh. “Does feel a bit of a tank.”

Mark chuckled. There was nothing delicate about their new Land Rover, that was for sure.

“Yeah, she’s definitely a solid lass. Handles well though.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb, just putting his foot down to overtake a slower car by going into the outside lane before tucking back in.

“Blue flags. That’s what motorways need,” decided Mark.

Seb laughed.

“ _Bloo_ flag!”

The pair of them laughed together as Seb pretended to press the radio button.

“C’mon Charlie, he was blocking me.”

“Terrible driving skills,” agreed Mark. “I swear some folk just like sitting in the middle lane.”

“Mm.”

 

There was a noise from the back so Mark turned to try to see their son in his rear-facing baby-seat. They had a little mirror fixed to the window, angled so they could see his face and even Seb managed a quick glance in his own rear-view mirror to see Teddy gurgling to himself. Mark reached through the gap to touch the baby’s leg.

“You agreeing there kiddo?”

Teddy tried to turn in his restraints and frowned a little at being trapped by the seat-belts.

“We’re right here darling,” reassured Mark, giving the baby’s leg a rub.

“Dada.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Is he okay?” asked Seb.

“He’s fine. Aren’t you Teddy?”

“We should make another stop before we come off the motorway,” decided Seb.

Mark looked back to him, thinking they had only just stopped.

“He’s fine back there darling.”

“I just meant before we’re really into the Lakes. So he’s had a feed.”

“What, in case we get lost?”

 

Seb shrugged, though it had crossed his mind, even though he had deliberately chosen a place to stay that wasn’t all that far away from the main road links. Having studied the maps when he had planned this though, he had been struck by how quickly the landscape changed once they left the long, wide motorway for windy country lanes without much else apart from green around them. Theoretically it was only a four hour drive from home and having set off mid-morning, Seb had built in plenty of spare time in case they did get lost, but it was Teddy who was always foremost in his mind.

Mark moved his hand from Teddy to give his husband's leg a pat instead.

“We’ll be alright darling. Just having a little adventure.”

Seb laughed at that. The Lake District might be remote compared to their country home in the south of England, but it wasn’t exactly entirely removed from civilisation when it was such a popular tourist destination. They continued on their way, Seb glad that they had set off early enough to miss the early rush hour on a Friday as they by-passed Manchester and the Lancashire moors opened up, the Pennines rising to their right as they went on.

 

As they travelled on there was less and less traffic. If it had been July rather than mid September that might not have been the case, but it meant they were making good time. The scenery around them grew ever more dramatic, the grey-green hills soaring up like great dinosaurs plodding across the land.

“Wow,” smiled Mark. “Don’t get this round us.”

“No,” agreed Seb.

He looked at the satnav, seeing that they were getting closer to the junction where they would need to turn off the motorway. They hadn’t passed a service station for quite some time, but he was certain he had checked to be sure there was one coming up.

“Ooh, there Liebling. Three miles to services.”

“Hmm?”

“We said we’d stop.”

“Oh. Okay sure.”

 

Mark looked back to see their son was asleep now and the dogs in the back had laid down and were quiet too, but he supposed Seb did have a point that they ought to make the most of facilities while they had them to hand.

“We need fuel too,” noted Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“Don’t suppose there'll be all that many petrol stations about.”

“Mm.”

Seb was looking at the next sign, indicating to pull into the inside lane ready to come off the motorway.

 

They parked up, both Mark and Seb climbing out of the car to go round to open the door by their son, only to find him still fast asleep.

“Oh.”

“Hmm.” Mark peered in closer to the baby, gently touching his arm, but getting no response other than a slight twitch of the head before Teddy slept on. “Nope. No go sweetheart.”

“It’s cars isn’t it?” noted Seb. “He always sleeps.”

“Yeah. Good thing really.”

“Mm.”

“Tell you what. Let’s give the boys some water and see if he wakes up,” decided Mark.

 

They did that, filling bowls and putting them down on the tarmac of the car-park before standing with their dogs to be sure they didn’t run about when cars might be driving by. Seb went round to check on Teddy again as they finished up, but the baby was still sleeping.

“Still out?” asked Mark as he gave Simba a rub.

Sebastian nodded as he stepped back over.

“I sort of planned to give him a bottle now.”

“Mm. Well I tell you what darling I could use loo stop and a coffee. Why don’t we just take him in his carrier and see if he obliges us. If not, we’ll just find a place to stop and use the bottle warmer if he wakes and if not I’m sure he’ll be fine till we get there.”

“Okay. Yeah I wouldn't mind a coffee if they do proper ones.”

Mark laughed, thinking they were pretty fussy about their coffee when it was such a habit in their routine. He put a hand on Seb’s arm.

“I’m sure they’ll have something. A Costa or whatever.”

Sebastian looked over. The service station building didn’t look anything like others they had stopped at. It was low and wooden, presumably designed to blend into its surroundings and gave the impression it was some kind of eco-development rather than a stop-off for weary travellers. There wasn’t much sign of anything inside. There had to at least be toilets though, so they persuaded the dogs to jump back in and shut the boot before Seb shouldered the baby-bag while Mark disconnected the baby-seat and moved the handle so he could carry in it whilst Teddy slept on.

“Bit heavier than this used to be,” smiled Mark as he lifted it higher.

“Are you alright with it?” checked Seb.

“Sure.”

They locked the car, then walked towards what they presumed was the entrance, finding tall glass sliding doors leading to a wide open lobby with signs leading in different directions.

“Huh,” frowned Mark, thinking this was rather different to the last place they had stopped. There were no McDonalds or Starbucks or the Costa branch he had expected, no newsagents or kids ride-on machines, or noisy gaming arcade. There wasn’t even any piped music, which Mark had begun to think was imposed by law in all service stations.

“This is a bit different.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb. “Um, café though.”

He nodded towards the sign pointing to the left in the opposite direction to the toilets.

Mark nodded, back then looked down to Teddy.

“Right, well let’s go there, then we can take turns to nip to the loo and if he wakes he wakes and if he doesn’t it’s fine.”

“Okay.”

 

They headed left, passing a shop now that instead of hawking chocolate bars and packed sandwiches, seemed filled with walking gear and travel guides.

“Spose that makes sense,” he noted.

“Hm?”

“Well, we’re a bit out of the way. I suppose you’re not likely to sell so many pairs of walking boots down near Birmingham.”

“Guess not. We’ve brought ours though.”

Mark huffed a little laugh. Seb was way too organised for them to have forgotten anything so obvious that they might need to buy an emergency pair en route. The reached the café entrance and were surprised to find it opened up into another large wood-panelled space with tables and chairs as expected, but the far wall was one enormous expanse of glass looking out onto what looked like a lake, though was probably really only a large pond compared to the real lakes they were near.

“Wow.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah. Nice.”

Mark nodded.

“Don’t think we’re gonna get chain-brand coffee here sweetheart.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Mark looked over towards the counter where he could see displayed large cakes and treats that appeared home-made, chalk-boards behind advertising the cooked food on offer.

“Looks good,” he agreed.

They walked over to where two women were waiting to serve. Mark turned to Seb.

“Just coffee or are you hungry?”

It was now three in the afternoon, but they’d had their own healthy snacks in the car. Seb looked at the food on offer. It did look good, but he knew how dangerous things like flapjack were, full of sugar and fat. Definitely not what Antti would recommend.

“No I think just coffee Liebling.”

“You sure? There’s home-made lentil soup on offer.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head. Mark looked to the women waiting.

“Hi. So um, just two black coffees please.”

“Nothing else?” one offered.

“No we’re good thanks. Looks lovely though.”

“We make it all ourselves.”

Mark smiled at her.

“Looks it. Very nice but we’re fine for now.”

She nodded and moved to the till. As she began ringing it up, Seb pulled out his wallet to pay.

“£4.70 please.”

Seb handed over a five pound note, dropping the change into the tips jar, then glanced to Teddy.

“Um, if he wakes could we maybe ask for some hot water to warm a bottle?”

The two women peered over to look at the baby Mark was carrying, both smiling more warmly at him.

“Aw, long journey?”

Seb smiled back at her.

“Yeah we’ve come from Buckinghamshire.”

“Goodness. Poor little mite. Yes of course, just ask and if he needs any baby-food warming we can do that.”

“Thank you.”

“Or all our stuff is organic so there might be something he could have?”

Seb glanced to Mark. They were rather uptight about what they fed their son, but they might actually be alright here. It was a moot point though seeing as Teddy was asleep.

“Very kind thank you.”

“Well just ask if you need anything.”

“Is there a baby changing here?” asked Mark.

“In between the ladies and the disabled bathrooms dear.”

“Great, thanks.”

 

The other woman had gone to make their drinks, but this one looked at how laden down they were and nodded over to the tables.

“I’ll bring it over.”

“Oh, thank you.”

Seb smiled brightly at her and she smiled back before they went to pick a table over by the window. Mark chuckled once he had found a way to safely balance Teddy’s baby-seat on another chair between him and Seb.

“Charming the ladies as ever darling.”

“Huh?”

Mark laughed again and shook his head.

“I’m teasing. Well, this place is nice.”

Seb looked out at the view of the water spread out in front. There were a few more people dotted around at tables in here, but the atmosphere was tranquil, feeling a million miles away from the motorway just two hundred yards or so to the right.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “You know it sort of reminds me of our coffee shop at home.”

“Ours?”

“Well, Jean’s.”

Mark was about to tease him some more when the woman came over with their drinks, placing two large cups and saucers onto the table.

“Thank you.”

“Are you heading to the Lakes then?” she enquired.

“Yep.”

“We’re just staying for the weekend,” Seb added.

“Lovely. Should be nice tomorrow hopefully, but you know it can change on a sixpence round here.”

Seb nodded, though he wasn’t quite sure what she meant by that.

“Well enjoy your coffee,” she offered. “Don’t forget to ask for whatever you need for the little one.”

“Thanks.”

 

As she walked away Seb saw the way Mark smiled at him.

“What?”

Mark shook his head.

“I don’t know what it is darling, but you do have an effect on ladies of a certain age.”

Seb tsk’d and took a sip of his coffee thinking it was more Teddy who had that effect.

“The coffee’s good,” he declared, deliberately changing the subject.

Mark copied him and after taking a sip, nodded.

“None a’ya chain stuff,” he concurred.

Sebastian took in his surroundings. There was room for plenty more people in here and he guessed that on bank holidays it got busy, but even then it would be a nicer place to stop than most.

 

They sat in companionable silence for a while, sipping their coffee and gazing out at the serene view. Ducks paddled through reeds poking up through the water, seeming to look back at those watching them.

“I think they’re wondering why we’re here,” supposed Mark.

Seb huffed a little laugh and though it wasn’t a loud noise, suddenly Teddy twitched in his seat, then those blue eyes popped open and he frowned at his surroundings having changed.

“Ooh hang on fella,” reassured Mark as he hurriedly undid the belts so he could lift the baby out before he started wailing as it looked he might.

Teddy let out a few growly noises, so Mark held him into his shoulder and rubbed over his back.

“Sweetheart do you you wanna see about warming his bottle?”

“Yep,” agreed Seb, quickly digging one out of the bag before going over to request the hot water.

 

It was nearly half an hour before they had fed Teddy, changed him and taken turns to use the bathroom themselves. As they returned to the car Mark fitted the baby-seat back in place while Seb actually held Teddy who was wide-awake now. As he tried fitting him into the car the baby wailed and reached out his hands plaintively to his parents. Seb sighed.

“Liebling we’re just in front.”

Teddy scrunched up his face and only strained all the harder to get back into those nice warm arms that had just been holding him. Sebastian sighed and looked to Mark.

“Right, sweetheart why don’t you sit in the back with him and I’ll drive the next bit?” Mark relented.

“Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

Mark gave Seb a nod to encourage him. He’d rather have Seb in the back than cope with a screaming baby while they tried to find their way in unfamiliar countryside. Sebastian went around and climbed in next to Teddy, Mark pointing to him so their son stopped reaching out of the car so the baby turned and saw his papa was by him. Seb took hold of one of his hands.

“I’m here Kleiner.”

“ _Papah!”_

Seb sighed as both hands fought out towards him again. It wouldn't do though. They couldn't drive with him holding the baby. It wouldn't be safe. So he and Mark managed to get their son strapped in, Mark ditching the baby-bag in the footwell of the passenger seat before they set off. Teddy was still crying despite Seb’s efforts, but as they got back onto the motorway he spotted the dogs poking their noses through the grille separating them in the boot.

“Look Teddy,” advised Seb, “Shadow and Simba are worrying about you. They want to know what’s the matter.”

Teddy reached a little hand up to them, then frowned again to find he couldn't pat those nice doggy noses as he wanted to and receive the happy snuffles he usually got in return.

“Have a cuddle when we get there,” offered Seb. “Here, have Dino for now.”

At first the baby seemed uninterested and Sebastian wondered if they shouldn’t have saved the bottle to feed it to him in the car to keep him quiet, but then Teddy grasped at his toy dinosaur and hugged it in before burying his face into it and finally calmed down. Mark glanced back now they were on the motorway again.

“He alright now?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I think so.”

 

Mark had to trust to the satnav as they came off the motorway onto an A road. As Seb sought things to point out to Teddy he looked to his right where a hillside now sloped steeply upwards.

“Oh look Kleiner. That forest is shaped like a heart.”

Teddy tried looking out where his father pointed and Mark in the front did the same, laughing as he saw what Seb had.

“So it is. How funny.”

“Funny?”

“Funny-strange, not funny-haha,” clarified Mark.

“Oh, yeah.” Sebastian peered out over his son to look more closely. “I suppose it’s a wood not a forest.”

“Forest sounds better. More dramatic,” Mark argued. “Sounds very ‘Game of Thrones’: Here in the cold North through the valley by the heart-shaped forest and onwards to the frozen lands beyond.”

Seb chuckled and looked to Teddy.

“I think Daddy’s imagining us on horseback,” he explained.

He caught Mark grinning at them in the rear-view mirror and Seb smiled too as they looked at one another.

“Not sure horses would work for us,” conceded Mark.

“I think we’d need a whole baggage train.”

“Ha! Too right sweetheart.”

 

As they drove on, the main A-road rapidly became a B road and finally countless turns this way and that along narrow country lanes enclosed by trees blocking any view. Then as things opened up again they could properly see the mountains rising up all around them, fields on either side of the road divided by grey dry-stone walls and filled with endless grazing sheep.

“Wow again,” laughed Mark. “Now that’s dramatic.”

Seb pointed out at them to Teddy, but the baby merely glanced out of the shaded window by him, then looked back to his toy. Seb huffed a laugh and smiled at Mark looking back in the rear-view mirror.

“Not sure he’s so impressed Liebling.”

“Ah well.”

The satnav instructed him to take the next left and Mark had to slow quickly as an almost hidden turn appeared looking more like a driveway to a farm than a road. As he took it Mark had to drive very carefully as their new Land Rover was so wide it left barely a few inches either side before the wing mirrors would be brushing leaves and branches. The trees seemed to be closing in on them as if they were driving through a green tunnel and Mark hoped to goodness that they didn’t come across another car wanting to go the other way. Thankfully though the lane was quiet and he could concentrate on driving.

Seb however was peering out of the window as something caught his eye and soon he could to see a sparkling light filtering through the clustered tree trucks to his left. Then as the road veered further in that direction he gasped.

“Oh Liebling _look_. It’s a lake!”

Mark slowed further to do as requested and nodded to see glimpses of the water through the trees. Moments later the woods thinned and they came to a gap where the road ran right next to the water’s edge, only a low dry-stone wall marking the divide. Seeing as no one was behind them, Mark stopped the car and they looked over.

“Is this our lake?” asked Seb.

Mark laughed.

“Ours?”

“Well you know. Where we’re staying.”

Mark checked the satnav, then turned to nod.

“Yep, we’re not far off the village here.”

“The lodge is on the other side then, but we have to go to the office to get the key first,” reminded Sebastian.

Mark nodded again, though they had already been though this he knew Seb liked plans to be followed, so they had better get on and sort out their accommodation rather than have a pootle around looking at the views as Mark was tempted to suggest.

 

They went on, thankfully now only needing to keep to the one lake road they were on to reach the village ahead. As they got closer the road widened back out and the trees were fewer. They passed a couple of farms and cottages to the right, old houses built of thick stone with deep set square windows and slate roofs that looked designed to survive hard winters.

Soon the houses ran closer together, a few newer houses and barn conversions in evidence, then they spotted a shop on the lake side advertising newspapers, ice-creams, groceries and post office.

“Think this is it,” decided Mark, slowing the car by the pavement.

Seb looked about. There wasn’t a whole lot here. Certainly it wasn’t much like the village near them at home, but then it was bound to be smaller here. Further on he could see a pub with a couple of picnic benches squeezed in front, though they currently sat empty. Seb hopped out of the car to get into the front so he could find the printed instructions from the place they had rented their accommodation from. He read it through, then turned to Mark beside him.

“Okay, so it’s ‘Lake Holiday Homes’, and it says you go through the village, then just past the school turn right and we should see the sign.”

“Righto.”

Mark pulled away, passing the pub and a couple more houses at a slow speed, looking out for a school. They past a venerable looking old church perched on a slope to their right, then past a tiny churchyard there was a small Victorian building with tall windows and a high pointed roof.

“Is that the school?” wondered Seb.

Mark crawled the car forwards past metal railings then a gateway with a sign announcing the place to be ‘St Mary’s Church of England Primary School’.

“Ah there we go.” He glanced to see that it was now gone four in the afternoon. “I think if we’d been here half an hour or so ago they’d all have been steaming out.”

“I wonder how many children they have here.”

“Can’t be many. Not many classes’d fit in there. Maybe just the one.”

“Aw, that’s sweet. Imagine our Teddy going here?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Bit of a drive for the school-run. Right we turn here then.”

 

He drove on a couple of yards before taking the turning round the side of the school. On the other side of the road there was a small row of houses, then after a gap there was another larger house with parking to the side.

“Oh Liebling this is it.”

Mark braked and looked left. Sure enough there was a swinging sign by the gate declaring itself ‘Lake Holiday Homes’.

“Do you think they live above it?” wondered Seb.

“Probably. Saves on the commute I guess.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking the commute round here would be pretty nice anyway. Mark pulled into the parking space, glad they were the only ones here when he was still getting used to parking such a big beast of a car. They left the dogs in the back, Seb lifting Teddy out to take with them as they saw another sign indicating the side door was where they needed to go from the parking area. They went over, but before they could reach it, the door opened, a bearded man in his early forties coming out to meet them.

“Thought I heard a car. Now, would you be the Vettel-Webbers by any chance?”

Mark smiled and extended his hand to shake the one offered.

“That’d be us mate.”

“Great. Come on in and we’ll get you sorted out. I’m Mike Stafford.”

“Oh you emailed us.”

As they were ushered into a small office, the man laughed.

“Yeah well it’s only me and the wife running this.”

“Ah right.”

“Take a seat.”

 

It only took five minutes to get organised before the man was insisting on driving over with them to find the property, leading them in his far more battered old Land Rover. They followed the lake road a couple of miles round to where trees filled out again and the road veered a little away from the lake. Seb frowned, thinking the place they were staying was called Lakeside Lodge and from the photos it seemed to be right by the water, but then they took a left turn into a private drive, bumping down a rough muddy track through woodland until it opened out to reveal a beautiful new wooden lodge, almost American in appearance, the lake in the background.

“Wow yet again,” laughed Mark as he pulled up to a halt to the side.

“It’s really tucked away.”

“Yep. Guess that’s why he wanted to show us.”

 

They climbed out to be shown around. Their host wanting to demonstrate how everything from the cooker to the heating worked. The lodge had a large entranceway opening out to an open-plan lounge with a huge stone fireplace faced by two large sofas, a dining table with seating for six in an L-shape alcove to the side. Apart from the seating and tables the only furniture in the large room was a set of bookshelves on the inside wall, filled with local travel guides and assorted novels that looked as though they had been accumulated from previous guests who had left them behind.

Seb and Mark however, were more distracted by the enormous glass window which took up the entire far side of the building. Through it they could see the lawn stretching perhaps fifty yards down to a mud and shale bank directly onto the lake which spread before them, great mountains rising up beyond.

“Not a bad view eh?” smiled the man seeing where they were looking.

“No mate, not bad,” agreed Mark.

“It’s beautiful,” sighed Sebastian.

Mark huffed a little laugh at how happy he sounded and put an arm around him as they went closer to look outside. There was a wooden decking area in front with another wooden garden table and chairs over to the far side, then the expanse of grass leading directly down to the lake.

Seb turned to Mark.

“Wow again, right?”

Mark chuckled and kiss his cheek.

“Yep. You did good darling.”

 

The man had discretely gone to make sure that that the fire was made up with enough firewood stored to the side, but having given them a moment, he came back over.

“Okay so the kitchen is through here.”

He took them through to a modern farm-house style kitchen on the right past the dining area. The window in this room was smaller, but it still had a view of both the edge of the lake and the woods. The man showed them the full cupboards and fridge, advising them if they were short of anything they should ring him in the office.

“Though there’s the one-stop shop in the village, you have to go to Keswick for a big supermarket,” he advised.

Mark smiled.

“Think we’re good mate.”

“All the food you ordered is in, so you should be well supplied for your tea at least.”

“Great, cheers for that.”

“Tea?” whispered Seb as the man walked to the other side of the room.

“He means dinner,” Mark whispered back.

“Oh.”

Seb frowned, wondering why it was called something different here. Not that it really mattered he supposed. He noted that at the round table in here a high-chair added as requested. It was a smaller space than their kitchen at home, but plenty for a weekend. The lodge was rather American modern in style, but the kitchen bore distinct signs telling them they were still in England; a large family teapot waiting on the counter and a tall kitchen dresser over to the side with plates on display that naturally nobody ever used.

 

“Right, now this door leads to the boot room,” announced their host as he opened it.

Seb wondered what that was. The man was friendly but his Cumbrian accent was quite different to the English he was used to hearing back home. As they left the kitchen he realised the term was literal. The smallish room off it had a row of coat hooks with a tiled floor and several shoe-racks, one of which was filled with a selection of wellies and walking boots. To the far side there was a wooden door to the outside, the idea clearly being that wet and muddy visitors should enter via that door and divest themselves of their walking gear, leaving it to dry without tramping dirt into the main interior.

“If you need to borrow anything, help yourself,” offered their host. “Various guests have forgotten stuff over the years and though we try to return things, we always seem to end up with remainders.”

“Ah okay, cheers,” nodded Mark, not about to say they were well supplied.

Seb smiled to see several pairs of children's wellies amongst them. He guessed families who had stayed here hadn’t realised little pairs were missing until they got home and considered it simpler to buy new ones. Then he looked to the other side where a large boiler stood. The man began explaining that it controlled the heating and how the panel worked if they needed to change it, but Seb was distracted by the two dog blankets set out on the tiled floor beside it, each with a water and food bowl in front. In their emails he had checked that the place accepted pets and told them they had two dogs. Seb had only been glad to be told that was fine. He hadn’t expected such an effort to be made.

“This is very kind.”

“Hm? Oh yes, no problem. Dogs love it in here with the warmth.”

Seb nodded while Mark was looking at the set-up as well.

“Very good of you mate. They’ll be right at home.”

 

Going back through the kitchen and lounge, they went back to the entrance where a wooden staircase led up to the upper floor. In front there was the master bedroom with a huge king-sized bed dominating the room. It had a pointed wooden ceiling making it clear they were in a lodge, the far wall consisting of another entirely glass window, a continuation of downstairs which Mark and Seb realised meant the whole of that side of the building was glass where the lodge faced the lake.

“Making the most of your assets,” noted Mark.

“Indeed,” agreed the man. “So this door here is your en-suite.”

He showed them a large bathroom, then back out to the landing where there was another bathroom and two more bedrooms, the views from which were pleasant, if not as dramatic as their own. The far bedroom had twin beds, clearly aimed at children, the next largest had another double bed, but with a cot over to the side.

“Now I left the cot in here, but I can put it in your room if you’d like?”

Seb and Mark looked to one another. Then Mark smiled.

“I think it’s close enough here,” he decided.

“We’ve got the monitor haven’t we?” agreed Seb.

“Yep.”

“Right you are then,” accepted the man. “And you definitely want to use your own bedding for this?”

“Yes, sorry.”

“Nope, no problem.”

“Just what he’s used to,” excused Seb, not wanting to say it was also him being a little paranoid about Teddy’s things being hygienic.

The man nodded and smiled in at the baby.

“Quiet little’un.”

“Ha, only cos he’s half asleep from the journey,” replied Mark.

“I’m sure. Well, if you need extras, I’ll show you the linen cupboard.”

 

He took them out onto the landing and opened up another door next to the family bathroom, pointing out piled sheets, towels and extra blankets. Then once they were back downstairs he reminded them to call or stop in if they needed anything.

“Think we’re all set mate,” assured Mark.

“We’re okay to drop off the key on Sunday afternoon?” checked Sebastian.

“Course. If no one’s in the office just go round to the front door and ring the doorbell. The rest of the house is ours.”

“Gotcha,” nodded Mark.

“Right, let me just help you bring your things in.”

He wasn’t to be put off, so Mark opened up the car, Seb hung on to Teddy and directed the dogs inside while the other two carried their belongings inside, unpacking everything that had been crammed into the roof carrier, the boot and the floor of the back seat below Teddy. Once that was done the man gave his leave and left them to it. While Shadow and Simba ran about exploring, Seb and Mark had a sit down on the sofa to catch their breath.

 

“You know this place sort of reminds me of when we went skiing,” observed Sebastian.

“Ah, yeah it does a bit.”

“More modern I guess, but similar.”

“Mm. Very nice darling.”

Sebastian smiled and leaned into him, sitting Teddy so he could rest in with them both. Mark was always at pains to praise him for arranging things and it did feel good to take charge occasionally. It made him feel capable and responsible in ways he never used to. Plus of course it was nice to do something special for Mark and when he appreciated it, as he always seemed to, even when it was only little things, Seb felt a warm glow inside that made him want to do ever more things to make Mark happy.

“You like your birthday present then Liebling?”

“Absolutely. Good call. Feels like a million miles away from the world here.”

 

The sofa was angled to take in both the fireplace and the view through the large window and they sat quietly for a few minutes just looking out until the dogs came back, snuffling in at them requesting attention. Mark got up to show them what he told the dogs was their room, filling their bowls for them and giving them a pet to encourage them to settle down on the blankets.

“So you’ll be nice and cosy in here boys.”

“It opens up by the dining table.”

“Hmm?” Mark turned from where he crouched down to see Seb in the doorway holding Teddy.

“Come and see.”

 

Mark stood and followed him, passing through the kitchen to reach the dining area where Seb had opened up large glass double sliding doors to open up onto the decking, the dogs trotted out with them so Mark pointed out to the lawn.

“Go on then. Might as well have a run around boys.”

The dogs took their cue, scampering off towards the water and predictably splashing in. Mark sighed and they followed them down to the lakeside.

“Ah no you’re not bringing that inside,” warned Mark as Simba trotted out of the water bearing a mossy wet stick in his mouth, offering it up hopefully to Mark.

 

Sebastian stayed a little further back on the grass with the baby as Mark lobbed the damp stick onto the lawn to persuade the dogs to come out of the water. The weather wasn’t hot seeing as it was late afternoon in mid-September, but it was dry and reasonably sunny so he got them to run around, hoping they would dry off. Their feet were still muddy from bank though so Mark knew he’d have to find a towel to clean them off. He suspected that the owner of the house putting the dog things in the boot-room was a hint that he would like to make sure the rest of the place stayed clean, so Mark nipped up to shut the dining room garden doors to prevent them going in that way and came back out via the side door into the boot-room, leaving that open instead with the link to the kitchen shut.

 

Seb had gone to sit at the garden table on the decking and Mark joined him, shooing the dogs off to run about on their own for a while.

“Think we’d take this wouldn't we?”

“Hm?”

“The weather.”

“Oh, yes,” agreed Seb. “I looked and it said changeable, but okay so far.”

Mark nodded, then reached over to chub Teddy’s cheek.

“You are quiet kiddo.”

“Do you think we should go sort out his room so he can have a nap?”

Mark shook his head.

“Ah he’s fine. He had a long nap in the car. Guess you’re just wondering where we are, huh?”

Teddy looked at him, frowning comically making his father laugh.

“Should be used to being in different places by now buddy. No racing this time though.”

Sebastian smiled. It was so nice to have a weekend that didn’t involve dashing away from his family and only snatching time with them. Perhaps if their son was tired he could nap in his arms? That might be nicer anyway. He shifted the baby to lie into him more and stroked his hair neatly to the side before looking up to see Mark watching him.

“What?”

“Nothing sweetheart. Tell you what, why don’t I make us a cuppa and we can sit out here with it? We can sort our stuff later.”

“Yeah okay. Thanks.”

 

After they had done that and organised themselves it was gone five-thirty so they made Teddy a meal using the blender they had brought from home (in addition to the whole pack of bought readymade bottles of baby milk, bottle warmer, the baby bed clothes and all his changing gear, plus about half his toys, books and clothes that had taken up about ten times the space than one travel bag for all of Seb and Mark’s things combined).

Teddy sat happily in his high-chair, the cleaned-up dogs pattering around him, stretching their heads up to be prodded by the baby whilst Seb sighed and got out another wipe to clean his hands before putting his baby-bowl in front of him and shooing the dogs away. Mark pulled another chair alongside and laughed to see the dogs watching, ready to pounce on any food that ended up on the floor. It was a good job this room was tiled and easy to clean.

 

Seeing as it seemed too early for their own dinner and Teddy was steadfastly refusing any kind of nap, Mark looked through one of the leaflets left on the area and they decided to try walking a marked path around the lake.

“We can just go along a bit and see where it goes,” he decided.

They had brought Teddy’s jogging buggy, thinking it would cope best with rough surfaces, so once they went back up the track to the road, Seb consulted the map in the leaflet, checking how they might fare.

“It goes all the way round the lake according to this.”

“Hmm, bit late for that. Maybe tomorrow?”

“We could do that in the morning if it’s nice.”

“Sure.”

“Left or right then?”

Mark shrugged.

“Well we’ve been through the village. Let’s see what’s to the right further on.”

 

They went along the narrow pavement, Mark pushing the buggy and Seb walking in the road with the dogs on leads, keeping an ear open for any cars coming along and hopping up out of the way when the odd one passed, though they were so rare that you could hear them coming from a long way off. After half a mile or so they came to a gate with a sign posting them in across a scrubby field where they could see a path reaching back in to run alongside the lake.

“That’s more like it,” noted Mark.

Seb pushed the gate open, getting the dogs through and then holding it open for Mark who just about squeezed the buggy through.

“Look, that’s clever.”

Sebastian nodded to the contraption attached to the hinge of the gate. There was a chain attached with a heavy stone wrapped around by it at the end so when you let go of the gate it lowered down pulling the chain and the gate automatically swung shut.

“Huh. Ingenious,” replied Mark. “Think that suggests there’s sheep in this field somewhere though.”

“We’ll keep them on the leads. To be honest Liebling I think we’re best doing that anywhere we’re out here.”

“Yeah you’re probably right. Don’t want to lose you, do we boys?”

 

The dogs were too busy nosing in to Teddy who was happily ‘stroking’ them, so they walked on, Mark manoeuvring the buggy over some extra-rough patches until they reached the lake where the path was rather more flat and widened out for them to walk easily together as a family.

“It’s really lovely here,” commented Seb.

“Sure is. Ooh keep hold darling. I spy sheepies.”

Seb looked over to see half a dozen sheep eyeing them warily just fifty feet away across the scrubby grass. He grasped the leads tighter and looked down to Shadow and Simba.

“Best behaviour boys. We don’t want a farmer shouting at us for scaring them.”

 

He kept them walking on, the path leading on right beside the lake and Seb found himself having to do more work stopping the dogs running off to splash in the water again than go anywhere near the farm animals when they knew well enough not to do that from their walks at home. As they passed a crop of trees reaching into the water the path veered inland around them and they came to the edge of another field, blocked off with a high dry-stone wall.

“Oh. But…” Seb frowned, thinking surely that couldn't be right. “The path just ends. That’s weird. Have we gone the wrong way or is the lake too high?”

Mark peered at the water, wondering for a moment whether Seb might be right and the path was submerged by water, but though it was only a mud path, it seemed pretty clear it ran straight ahead up to the stone wall a few feet away.

Mark put the brakes on the pram and went to the wall, looking over it, then at the stones more closely.

“Ah. No sweetheart come see.”

Seb moved the buggy closer to the wall, parking it again with some difficulty whilst hanging onto the dog leads in one hand.

“See. Path goes on,” pointed out Mark. “There’s steps over.”

Sebastian could see now that the dry-stone wall had wider stones jutting out to make three steps up in a diagonal row, with the same arrangement on the other side.

“Ah.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark. “Be a job to get the buggy over.”

“And if there’s more further on.”

“Yeah. Guess we should have put him in the carrier. Oh well.”

Seb puffed a breath. “Well why don’t we leave it till tomorrow? We can let the dogs play in the garden and get dinner on.”

Mark nodded.

“Yep think so sweetheart.”

“It still looks a bit… It’s not wobbly is it?” worried Sebastian.

 

Mark looked, then pushed at one of the stone steps which didn’t budge. By the looks of things there was nothing but gravity holding the whole edifice together, but then it also looked as though it had been in place quite possibly for a century or more.

“Ah it’s fine. Hang on.”

Mark gave it a go, climbing up the steps to the top, then putting a foot on either side to stand straddling it.

“I’m the king of the world!”

Seb rolled his eyes and looked to Teddy.

“Your daddy thinks he’s very clever Schatz.”

Mark jumped down not far from them and ducked down by the pushchair.

“That’s cos your daddy _is_ clever.”

Seb pulled a face so Mark stood up and gave him a kiss on the cheek before looking to Teddy again.

“Not as clever as your papa, obviously.”

“Obviously,” agreed Seb dryly. “Right, shall we head home then?”

“It’s home already?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes again and handed him the dog leads.

“Your turn.”

“Righto.”

 

 

Once dinner was in the oven they gave Teddy a bath, then gave him his night bottle, cleaned his teeth and put down in his cot, hoping he might sleep after getting some fresh air. They managed to eat their dinner in peace, but they had only just settled down on the sofa when the monitor burst into life and they had to troop up to change him. They made do with the changing mat laid out on the unused double bed with a towel under it, but Teddy found this arrangement invited opportunities to try to roll off and crawl around mid-change, so they had to wrangle him back, fighting to hold the baby still while they cleaned him up and got a fresh nappy on.

By the time they got him back in the cot Mark was puffing out a long breath.

“You’re meant to be tired mate. _I’m_ tired.”

Teddy held up his arms and pouted at him.

“No you don’t. Sleepy bo-bos time.”

Sebastian reached in and tucked the blanket around him.

“Sleep Schatz. It’s night-time.”

Mark indicated to the open door with his head.

“C’mon.”

Seb nodded and they walked out, hoping their son would drop off without attention paid to him. Sitting back downstairs with the dogs they could hear him murmuring on the monitor, but thankfully it didn’t break into more crying and they relaxed again, the dogs piling in at their feet.

“Shall we light the fire?” proposed Mark.

“Mm, yeah okay.”

Mark bobbed up to get it going, then the pair of them sat watching the flames. Through the large window they could see the moonlight reflecting off the water, the mountains rising up on the other side of the lake, darker shapes outlined against the clear night sky. The atmosphere was peaceful and calm. Within another half hour both Seb and Mark lay asleep into one another, the dogs piled at their feet likewise contentedly lying into one another, as fast asleep as their masters.

 

 

 

 

Despite the fact both Seb and Mark were more than used to waking up in hotels around the world, it still felt strange to wake up in bed to see a lake in front of them as the dawn began to break, the low light creeping over the mountain tops rousing them seeing as there were no blinds or curtains. As Mark shuffled up a little against the pillow, Sebastian leaned into him.

“You know what this reminds me of Liebling?”

“Hmm?”

“Remember when we camped by the lake in Aus?”

“Oh. Ha.” Mark gave him a squeeze and rubbed his nose against Seb’s. “Rather warmer and more comfortable here darling.”

Seb looked up at him with those blue eyes, making Mark smile when he knew Seb understood precisely what effect it had on him.

“True. We did have fun though didn’t we?”

“Were you planning on swimming in this lake?” teased Mark. “Bit cold.”

Sebastian smoothed his hand over Mark’s chest.

“No I wasn’t thinking of that.”

“Oh.” Mark smiled. “Yes now I remember. Other fun.”

“Now you remember?” teased Seb. “Had you forgotten Liebling?”

“No no.”

“Good.”

 

Sebastian turned to lie into him, stretching up to kiss Mark as his arms went around him. They were just getting into it, Mark about to slide back down into the bed to encourage things along when the monitor crackled and wailing came through.

“ _Uff_.”

Seb dropped into Mark, as they both sighed.

“No rest for the wicked,” complained Mark as they reluctantly separated and found their dressing gowns. “Bottle or baby?”

 

They paused to do paper-scissors-stone, then Sebastian trooped downstairs, returning a couple of minutes later to find Mark holding Teddy in their bed.

“I’m afraid I wasn’t very good at telling these guys not to come too,” confessed Seb as Shadow and Simba slinked into the room and stood by him.

Mark shook his head as he accepted the bottle to quiet the baby.

“Shush now darling. Here you go.”

Teddy started drinking his milk and the dogs came around to that side of the bed to look as Seb climbed back in. They looked up at Mark who rolled his eyes.

“Ah go on then. All pile on, but don’t go thinking you can do this at home boys.”

The dogs jumped up onto the duvet, settling themselves on Mark and Seb’s legs, watching the baby as he fed.

“You funny things,” teased Mark.

“I think they were curious.”

“Hmm. Curious to see what soft touches we are. Yeah I’m onto you boys.”

Sebastian reached to gave them a stroke. It did feel rather nice to pile in as a family, even if their rule at home was usually no dogs upstairs. They’d broken the rule before now, though seeing as this wasn’t home, then strictly speaking they weren’t breaking it here.

 

As they were all so comfortable, they saw no need to rush getting up. Mark handed Teddy over to Seb and took the empty bottle away, nipping down to make them mugs of tea. As they drank them they let Teddy crawl around on the wide bed, watching to make sure he didn’t get too close to the edge where he might fall off. As it turned out though, the dogs positioned themselves either side of him, forming a V-shape with Seb and Mark at the top, leaving the baby space in the middle. When he went too far one way either dog would nudge him and Teddy patted at them before turning and moving back into the middle.

“Good puppy,” smiled Mark as the baby crawled near them again.

“Oh god,” Seb sighed.

Teddy crawled onto him and Sebastian lifted him up.

“You’re not a puppy Liebling.”

Teddy laughed and Mark joined in.

“Yeah I’m not sure he agrees sweetheart.”

Sebastian sat their son down on his lap only for the baby to crawl off again. He turned to Mark.

“If he starts barking instead of speaking I’m blaming you.”

Mark merely grinned and reached to tickle Teddy’s bare foot to get him to laugh and turn about again. He headed back towards Seb who tried picking him up, sitting the baby on his knee and smoothing over his stretchy night onesie only for Teddy to waggle his legs and lean forwards before crawling off once more.

“You’re a wiggle bum today,” noted Mark. “Guess we’d better get up in a bit.”

Seb looked to be sure Teddy was safe in the middle of the bed, then leaned into Mark.

“In a bit.”

Mark smiled and put his arm around him.

“Yeah.”

 

 

After breakfast and a bit of a play in the lounge with both Teddy and the dogs, they readied themselves for their walk, pulling on boots and hoodies and sticking all Teddy’s baby stuff into a backpack along with waterproofs just in case. Sebastian had studied the map in the leaflet which suggested the full loop of the path was around eight miles which was a fair way, but not far compared to the larger, more popular lakes around here. Seb took Teddy in the carrier and found it was far easier than bumping the buggy along, even with its good suspension.

They were fortunate to be blessed with gorgeous autumn sunshine, the lake glistening and blue, though they had no doubt it was deep and cold. Over where the sun hit the hillside, a fern covered slope was tinged with brown, though only a few of the trees were beginning to turn for autumn, unlike at home where their garden was surrounded by bronzed foliage.

When they reached the stone wall in their way that they had encountered the day before Mark climbed over, making it look easy. He beckoned the dogs on, getting them to patter up the steps and helping them over the top before pointing at the path and very firmly telling them to sit still or else.

“Okay, you next,” he prompted.

Sebastian looked to Teddy at his front and shook his head.

“I can’t do it Liebling.”

Mark stood just on the other side, offering out his hand.

“I’ll hold you.”

Sebastian shook his head, wondering how he could get up there with only what looked to him a precariously wall to hang onto.

“Not with Teddy. I might fall.”

“I’d catch you.”

“No.”

Mark sighed, about to say he should have taken the carrier, but he saw the way Seb bit his lip and knew it was a signal he was getting anxious and that made him feel guilty. Mark was about to climb back over to take Teddy himself when Seb lifted him out of the carrier and came closer to the wall that stood about four and a half feet tall. He lifted the baby higher and Mark realised that Seb had thought of a far simpler solution.

“Right. Course. Here we go buddy, come to Daddy.”

He took hold of the baby over the top of the wall, then lifted him over and held him in close so Seb could see he was safe. Mark looked in at Teddy.

“See, didn’t I say Papa was smart? Why didn’t I think of that?”

 

Without the baby to worry about Sebastian could easily climb up and over the wall, stepping off the bottom stone to join them. Mark gave him a kiss as they stood together again.

“Okay sweetheart?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I just…”

Mark shook his head.

“Very sensible. Let’s hope there aren’t too many of these. You want me to take him?”

“No I’m okay.”

“Righto then.”

Mark helped him fit Teddy back into the carrier and they went on their way, thankfully having a clear path with only gates to pass through the next field after which it opened out through the edge of woodland where there were no more divisions. They had to cross several streams feeding into the lake, though whoever maintained the path had laid large narrow slate stones to make mini bridges where Seb took Mark’s hand as he crossed, just in case.

 

After a few miles they got to the far side of the lake they looked back across, trying to see if they could make out the lodge where they were staying.

“Is that it?” pointed Seb.

“I defer to your better eyesight darling.”

The path turned inland a little as a small river came in sight and they paused, knowing that there was no way they could cross even a narrow river that was fairly shallow after the summer when they had Teddy.

“Should we turn back?” wondered Mark.

“The leaflet says it was a full loop.”

“Hmm. I suppose we could walk up to the road somehow.”

“Let’s just see if there’s a way over.”

 

Mark nodded and they followed the path to find a little stone bridge curving over the water. Fifty yards further upstream there was a modern bridge for the road, this older bridge was perhaps only six feet across and must have sufficed for local needs when it was built.

“Wouldn’t get our new car over this,” observed Mark.

Sebastian smiled and shook his head. He didn’t think you’d get more than a horse and cart over this bridge. They looked down at the water flowing over the stones and Mark lifted Teddy out to sit him in the bridge wall so the baby could see properly. He had tight hold of him, but he wasn’t surprised Seb felt the need to put his arm around in front of their son as well. Mark wanted to protest that he had him and the very last thing he would do would be to endanger their son, but he knew that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t about Seb trusting him. Seb couldn't help his anxiety flaring and to dismiss it or make his husband feel bad about it was both unhelpful and unkind. Instead Mark hitched Teddy back a fraction and looked to the dogs sitting obediently beside them.

“Good boys. Go fetch us some sticks.”

They looked up at him, so Mark repeated his request and they ran back to the other side, returning with a stick each in his mouth.

“What’s that for?” asked Seb.

“Like in his book. The one Christian got him for his christening: Winnie the Pooh.”

“Oh.” Seb smiled, thinking of the stories they had been reading their son lately. “Pooh sticks.”

“Yep.”

Sebastian took the sticks from the dogs and gave them a rub in thanks. Then he and Mark went to the other side of the bridge, Mark sitting Teddy on the wall again, putting the stick in his hand and keeping his arm wrapped tightly around him.

“Right mate, as I understand it we have to chuck the sticks in the river, then see who wins the race under the bridge.”

Teddy gurgled happily, waving his arm about, so Mark looked to Seb.

“Better be ready, he’s all primed for lights out.”

Sebastian laughed and held his stick over the water.

“You say go,” he encouraged.

Mark had his hand over Teddy’s then pushed it out.

“Go!”

He shook Teddy’s hand to make him let go of the stick, Seb waiting until it was falling before letting go of his own. They watched the two sticks splash into the water below, then Mark scooped Teddy up for them to rush to the other side, trying to spot the sticks floating out. Seb’s stick had been longer and stouter and he smiled to see the slighter stick appear first.

“Look Teddy, you’re winning!”

Mark lifted Teddy higher, making sure he was back a little from the bridge wall. He jigged him up as Seb pointed to the race winning stick.

“Well done Teddy. Super stick throwing.”

“Teddy wins,” smiled Seb, giving him a clap which the baby delightedly copied.

Both parents laughed and Teddy did the same so Mark looked down to the dogs who were barking either encouragement.

“Right boys. Round two. More sticks if you please?”

 

They played the game twice more. Seb fighting his own competitive instincts even in a silly child’s game like this in order that their son could win each time. Mark smiled to see how excited Teddy got.

“I’m sure he understands you know.”

“I think you do, don’t you Teddybär?”

“Papa.”

Teddy reached out his arms and squirmed in Mark’s arms so he passed him over, smiling to see how happy Seb looked.

“What’s that over there d’you reckon?”

Seb looked up from the baby to see him pointing to what looked like a stone barn on the other side of the bridge closer to the lake.

“Barn? Boat house maybe?”

“Shall we go investigate?”

“Sure.”

 

Mark picked up the dogs’ leads and they walked on, finding it was neither of those things, but a tea shop, doubtless converted from its original purpose. There was a small car-park in front leading to the road beyond and to the side, small tables set on a patio by the lake.

“Fancy a cuppa then?” asked Mark. “I’m sure they do coffee as well as tea.”

“Hmm, yeah ‘kay. I think I’ll have tea though. Do you think we’re alright with the dogs?”

“Um, out here I’d think.”

Sebastian peered over to the entrance, spotting a sign with a picture of dogs.

“Oh yeah it says on leads outside, only guide dogs inside.”

“Right you are then. We’re fine out here aren’t we?”

“Sure.”

“Do you want a bottle young man?”

He ducked in by Teddy, trying to think how long it was since he had eaten his porridge and banana at breakfast.

“Might as well,” decided Seb. “If he doesn’t want it we can always just give him another when we get back.”

 

Mark nodded and once they’d picked a table to sit at in the mild early autumn sun, he tied the dogs’ leads to a table leg and told them firmly to sit still beside Seb. Then he went inside to place their order. A few minutes later a teenage girl came out with a tray, setting down a chintzy teapot and cups along with a matching little jug of milk and a rather more utilitarian jug of hot water that looked to have been filched from the kitchens.

“Very kind, thanks,” offered Seb.

She smiled and nodded before walking away, showing no sign of having any idea who they were.

“Was it busy inside?” asked Seb, thinking there were a couple of cars parked up.

“Nah, just a few older looking couples.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark knew he was really asking if anyone recognised them. He was just as glad that nobody did.

 

It felt good to be off the clock, not rushing to be anywhere by a set time, or needing to please anyone but themselves. Once they completed their walk around the rest of the lake path back to their lodge they made the most of the sunshine by sitting on the lawn, bringing out toys for Teddy to play with and letting the dogs run about without having to worry about any sheep or other visitors. They ate lunch at the garden table on the decking, then as Teddy cried for a nappy change Mark cleared away while Seb took him up to change him. When he came down he found the breeze had picked up and the sky had clouded over.

“That was fast,” Seb commented.

“Mm, guess that’s what they mean by changeable,” agreed Mark.

They peered over to the mountains, the tops now shrouded in what looked like mist. Then the sky darkened and they stared in astonishment to witness rain visibly moving across the lake.

“What the?” frowned Mark.

“Inside!”

Seb hurriedly took Teddy back in as Mark called to the dogs. The rain could quite clearly be seen pattering down hard on the lake surface and it was moving apace in their direction.

“Shadow, Simba! In!” yelled Mark to the dogs still running around on the far side of the lawn.

He stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled. The two dogs stopped and looked at him, wondering why he was interrupting their nice game. Then the rain reached the bank and they turned, pelting up the slight slope of the lawn towards Mark who now stood between the opened glass doors. He had forgotten in their haste that he ought to direct the dogs to enter via the boot-room door and seeing as the rain was belting down by the time they reached him, it was too late to stop them as they wetly scampered inside. He could see they were about to shake themselves dry so Mark knelt and grabbed their collars.

“No. No boys. Don’t you dare. With me.”

He led them through to the boot-room and found the towel from the day before, already resolving to wash it thoroughly before they left. Mark rubbed each dog down and directed them to sit on their blankets. When he went back out he could see a muddy trail of paw-prints through the kitchen and into the dining room.

“Oh Liebling look.”

“Yeah I noticed. Thank god it’s not carpet.”

Sebastian sighed and set Teddy in the high-chair while they cleaned up. Outside they could see the rain falling.

“Tipping down,” observed Mark.

“Unbelievable. Honestly, I thought English weather was changeable where we live.”

“Ha, think there’s a reason everything is so green around here,” Mark noted.

“Also the lakes.”

Mark chuckled.

“Good point sweetheart.”

 

After they had calmed down and the weather had likewise settled down to be only mild drizzle, they reassembled by the big window in the lounge. Mark holding Teddy as they looked out to the lake.

“Good job we got our walk in this morning,” Mark commented.

“Mm. What now though?”

Mark pushed his lips together as he thought.

“Dunno. Fancy a pootle out in the car? We could test its mettle on some of the high passes. Might not be raining elsewhere.”

“Hmm, yeah okay.”

 

It took twenty minutes for them to assemble what they needed, then they all piled into the car, dodging the mizzly rain as Seb got the dogs in the back while Mark put Teddy into his seat, fitting his bag and their wet weather gear on the floor by him wedged under the front seat before he and Seb climbed into the front.

“So where are we going?” asked Seb, brushing some wetness from his forehead.

“Ummm, no idea. Let’s just see where we end up.”

Mark knew Seb liked to have plans that they followed, so he put a reassuring hand on his thigh.

“We’ll just have a little drive. A test drive.”

“We already bought the car.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Made their week to have a cash sale.”

“Why is it called that?” asked Seb. “It makes it sound like we waltzed in with a briefcase stuffed with notes to hand over.”

Mark laughed again at the imagery.

“I dunno sweetheart. Just means we paid in full, no paying it off. Nice little sale for them.”

“I guess. Anyway, okay.”

Seb switched on the satnav, looking for mountain passes they could drive over. Mark resisted suggesting they could just see where they wandered. He waited while Sebastian found something for them to aim for and they headed off.

 

 

Seb took the first turn at the wheel, trying out their new car’s abilities on some steep and winding roads up one of the mountain passes. As they got higher the dry-stone walls petered out and land became open and ever wilder, barren of trees with only the odd patch of heather or gorse to break up the miles of rough moorland. Up here the sheep wandered where they liked over the hillsides. And indeed the roads, where several times Seb had to test the brakes, coming to a sharp halt while a couple of sheep stood smack in the middle of the road, looking back at them as if affronted that a car had the audacity to be on their land.

At the very highest spot passing over the top they seemed to disappear into the very clouds, the air misty and dank around them with all views into the distance blanked out. Seb slowed right down, taking the unknown twists and turns very carefully in fear that they might come across an unseen drop or another car, or more of those pesky sheep roaming around. Then as they went on another half a mile they passed a sign of civilisation; a low old white painted inn, hunkered in by the side of the road as if those thick stones it was built from were clinging onto the ground, the sharp slate roof ready to deflect snow, rain, wind and whatever else the mountain must have to contend with.

“Blimey,” commented Mark. “Imagine living there?”

“I’d think you’d be very glad to see it if you broke down up here.”

“Good point. Think we’re alright though.”

“Ha, yeah,” agreed Seb. “I should hope so seeing as this is brand-new.”

 

Perhaps half a mile after that the road took a couple of tight u-turns to zig-zag into a valley on the other side. Then all of a sudden everything opened up, the clouds parted and they were greeted with the most glorious view of a wide blue lake backed by yet more mountains. The sky wasn’t exactly sparkling clear, but it was a lot lighter on this side.

“Guess the clouds have passed over going our way,” noted Mark. “Shall we chase the better weather, keep going and see what we find?”

“Um, yeah okay.”

“We can swap at the bottom where there’s room to stop,” Mark offered, sensing some reticence.

“Sure.”

 

They drove on, Seb having to pull over tight to the side a couple of times to let cars pass going in the other direction. One of them was a tiny hatchback which Sebastian wondered how on earth it was going to make it over the pass. He hoped they wouldn't need to rely on that inn for any help if they got into difficulty as Mark had checked his phone out of interest and there was no reception at all out here.

 

When they got to the bottom the landscape had returned to the more lush, green environment as by their lodge; fields and trees only just beginning to show some signs of turning for autumn this far north. There were more people about here and they passed any number of walkers fully decked out in their outdoor gear trekking one way or another on their own little expeditions. It struck Mark that around here would make fantastic mountain-biking territory, but that wasn’t an option until their Teddy was a fair bit older.

As promised, Seb found a place to stop and they both hopped out, taking a moment to check how Teddy was and the dogs in the back, but seeing they appeared quite content Mark and Seb switched places and went on, Mark now driving. He followed the directions to scoot around the edge of this new lake, then skirted the edge of a larger village, then Mark went on up the side of the next hill, aiming for another pass that ought to take them slightly eastwards.

 

“We should come out here and then we can make a loop round there back towards where we started,” pointed out Mark, Seb looking to the satnav with him.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yep.”

“I reckon it’ll be quicker on the low road rather than just going back over the tops.”

Seb nodded in agreement. It might be further in distance, but drier roads where the weather was better on this side meant they could go a bit faster.

 

Mark found himself smiling at the wheel, enjoying the challenge of battling the terrain.

It was all so different to the landscape back in the mild south where they lived, everything here was grander and bolder and untamed. Parts might be bleak in winter, but the mountains would doubtless look stunning. In the far distance they could already spot one or two with snow-caps that lasted most of the year, though Seb was secretly grateful that it was very different to the Swiss mountains he once knew.

 

“Gotta have your wits about you,” Mark commented as they took another sharp turn.

“Mm, careful Liebling. Car’s coming.”

Mark saw the incoming car and looked to see if there was one of the passing places that were dotted about. Of course there was none where they were, so he mounted the open grass verge, driving at an angle before pulling on the handbrake while he allowed the less nimble family car to get by.

“Hey, this is the stuff, eh?”

Sebastian shook his head at Mark enjoying showing off his skills.

“It does feel a bit as if we should be in an advert,” he remarked.

“What us?”

“No the car, off-roading.”

“Fighting the elements in rugged terrain!”

Sebastian laughed.

“Aussie Grit.”

Mark grinned and leaned over to kiss him before carefully driving them back onto more level ground and continuing on along the high mountain pass. He went a fraction faster than Seb had seeing as the weather was drier here, but it was still slow enough to take in the scenery. You could see tiny mountain streams tumbling down the hillside, great grey rocks protruding through the grass reminding them that they really were surrounded by mountains, not the gentle downs of home.

 

Before they got all the way to the bottom of the next valley the satnav informed them they should take the next right. So Mark did just that, then thirty seconds later the satnav indignantly told him to make a u-turn and go back.

“What?” Mark huffed. “It said right.”

“I guess it didn’t mean _this_ right.”

“Well it should have said so.”

Mark drove on.

“Aren’t we going back?” asked Seb.

“I’m sure we’re going the right way. It looks like it should link up. This can be a shortcut.”

 

Sebastian dubiously peered in at the map on-screen. In fairness it did appear that they were going in the right direction so he didn’t make a fuss, merely turning around to check that Teddy was happy playing with his toys. Mark drove on, picking up speed now they were on a wider, flatter country lane. They passed a couple of farms and some cottages, then the road began to slope slightly upwards again.

Mark frowned, thinking that wasn’t what he was expecting. He looked to the satnav, which now it had abandoned all hope of him turning back, had informed them it was _‘recalculating’_ their route in a rather judgemental voice a couple of times now.

“Ah, think that road’ll bring us round,” he decided, seeing what appeared to be a linking road back to where they ought to have ended up. He kept up speed, then slowed, only to see that it was actually an unmarked farmer’s lane. In this all-terrain car he knew they could easily drive along it, but there was a hand-painted sign at the entrance stating it was ‘PRIVATE, NO TURNING’ in shouty, distinctively pissed-off capital letters. That was no go then, seeing as whoever had made that sign would no doubt be more shouty in real life if this great hulking new Land Rover pitched up uninvited in his farmyard as it seemed others had before.

“I think if we just go a bit further on,” decided Mark, his voice not quite so convinced now.

 

They drove on another couple of miles, but found no more right turns. There were a couple to the left, but that would only take them back uphill, not around it as they wanted.

“Maybe I passed it?” frowned Mark.

“We should go back.”

Mark looked around them, then back at the satnav which was now being less than helpful, showing mostly green and little else. Then across the centre flashed the warning: _No Signal_.

 

 

 

* * *

 


	237. Roving - Part 2

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh great,” huffed Mark, pressing buttons on the satnav to no avail.

He tried switching it on and off again, but all he got for his efforts was the same rebuke: _No signal._

Mark shook his head. “D’you think it’s having a strop cos we weren’t following its directions?”

“We need to go back Liebling,” asserted Sebastian, in no mood for joking about it.

 

Mark sighed, but Seb was looking unhappy so he nodded. He drove on just a little further, hoping there would be a gateway or drive where he could turn, but there were only high dry-stone walls either side here. The off-roader car felt bigger than ever as Mark began what was theoretically a three-point, but in fact was more like a twenty-point, turn in the lane. The sensor system in the car beeped hysterically very time he got within a foot of a wall and Mark started to think it was more of a hindrance than help.

“I should get out and guide you,” decided Seb.

“I’m fine.”

Mark tried not to be short with him, but Sebastian thought he sounded annoyed. The high-pitched beeping noise from the sensor designed to help with parking was grating, making him feel nervous.

“We’re going to hit it,” warned Seb.

Mark was looking over his shoulder as he reversed. He was sure the wall was further away than the sensor thought. On the other hand crashing a brand-new car would not be good, so he stopped, sighed and turned the wheel full-lock the other way.

“Worse turning circle than an F1 car,” he complained.

“Shall I get out?” pressed Seb.

“It’s fine, just give me a minute.”

Sebastian pursed his lips, but he said no more, letting Mark move back and forth, turning and turning until he finally got facing the other way.

“Right,” settled Mark. “Try again. Sorry sweetheart.”

 

He drove on, passing the angry farmer’s lane, picking up speed to hurry back to the turning where they had made the original mistake so they could get back on track. After five minutes however Mark had a sinking feeling. He looked at the satnav, but it was still without signal.

“Have we passed it?” asked Seb.

“Um. No, I think… just a bit further on I reckon.”

“We’ve gone past the tree that looks like a tree. I’m sure that was near the turning.”

Mark looked at him.

“The tree that looks like a tree?”

“Yeah.”

“As opposed to all those other trees?”

“It looks like a child’s drawing of a tree,” insisted Sebastian.

Mark shrugged. He hadn’t noticed anything like that.

“I’m sure it was by the junction,” Seb continued.

“I’ll keep my eyes peeled.”

Sebastian knew that meant Mark was unconvinced, but Seb looked around for it. They needed a landmark. Where were those farms they had passed?

“I don’t think we’re on the same road,” he decided.

“We are. We’ve not turned off.”

“That’s what I mean,” argued Sebastian. “We should have.”

“Did you see a turning?”

“Well...”

“Right. We’ll come across it.”

 

The drove on, but the road became windier which it hadn’t been before. It wasn’t the same road. Or if it was, they were on a part of it they hadn’t been before. Mark tried switching the satnav on and off again, but now it only gave a blank screen.

“Great.”

“Is it broken?”

“No I think we’re out of range. Or those heavy clouds over yonder are blocking the satellite or maybe the mountain. I dunno, something.”

Sebastian pulled out his phone to look at the map on there, but it too had no signal. He felt a creeping sense of unease, though he knew that surely they were only a couple of miles out from where they should be.

“We should just stop,” he suggested.

“How does that help?”

“Well if we’re going wrong we’re only going wronger.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Sweetheart we’ll just come round somewhere. Then we’ll get signal again and just… I dunno, find a route.”

 

They drove on. Mark now hoping for a turning of any kind, even a farm or cottage where, angry occupant or no, they could ask for directions to the nearest village, but the only building they passed was a decrepit barn, long out of use. The problem was that all these fields bound by dry-stone walls and dotted with sheep, looked pretty much exactly the same. On one side they sloped upwards towards the mountain, but that was the only difference. Unfortunately at this lower level there was no way to see off into the distance to get a feeling for where they were.

 

Mark hid his feeling of disquiet, battling getting annoyed with himself for going wrong in the first place and wondering if he should attempt another near impossible u-turn. Seb meanwhile was getting more and more worried, even though he knew they were only a little lost. He tried the trick of turning the satnav on and off again, but it did no good.

“Maybe we’re just the wrong side of the mountain?”

Mark sighed. “Well the other option is to get the right side of it again.”

“Then we need to go back.”

“We _are_ going back.”

“We have to have gone too far, or gone wrong, or, I don’t know. This isn’t right Liebling.”

“Seb.”

Mark sighed again, then spotted a turning. It wasn’t the way he had been looking for, instead it appeared to be another mountain road. Still, that was the way they had come, pretty much, so Mark swung right, heading uphill again.

“Where are we going now?” asked Seb sounding surprised.

“Back the way we came.”

“No this isn’t it.”

“It is. It has to be.”

“It’s not. Liebling just stop. We’re getting more lost.”

“We’ll be fine. It’ll just come around.”

“How?”

“Well we’re going uphill. So, we’ll just… I dunno. We’ll go back over the pass again. Back the way we came.”

“This isn’t the way.”

 

Mark was still driving at pace, and though it made no sense at all for someone who spent their whole life in cars trying to go fast, the stone walls whizzing past started to feel dangerous, Seb’s anxiety flaring sharper and sharper.

“Liebling stop,” he appealed.

“Sweetheart we’ll just see where this leads us.”

“We’re lost.”

“No we’re not, we’re just a bit turned about.”

Mark was too busy concentrating on driving to notice how Seb’s nostrils widened to take in oxygen. Although they weren’t all that high up yet, the air felt thinner to Seb, his brain not getting the supply he needed.

Mark followed the road as it swung to the left and he hoped that meant it would soon link with the pass road, though he didn’t remember passing a junction on the way down. The grassland was open again around them instead of enclosed fields, the slope steeper, surely indicating they were going back up towards the mountain pass.

“We just missed the turning to go round. We’ll go back up and over again. No biggie,” he assured.

Seb knew Mark was right. He knew it should be fine. Or at least _part_ of his brain knew that. The logical side knew that. But the other part was shouting that logic down, spinning up with the fear that they were lost, lost, LOST! Teddy was in the back and he would need a feed before long and what if he got scared? And what if they really couldn’t find their way back to the lodge and the only place for miles was that shouty farmer’s place and he wouldn't help them and then they would be going in circles until it got dark and then…

 

Sebastian’s skin flushed with heat, his skin tingling as though an electric current ran through it. He took a sharper breath and his chest was moving faster, his hands curled into anxious fists.

“Please Liebling we have to stop,” requested Seb, his voice higher and breathier than usual.

Mark slowed the car as he heard the urgency in his husband’s voice.

“Seb?”

“Please stop.”

Mark immediately halted and pulled on the hand-brake, turning properly to look at him.

“Sweetheart are you alright?”

Sebastian shook his head, a hand reaching to open the door.

“I need some air.”

 

As soon as he had the door open Seb undid his seat-belt and turned to face out. He took deep breaths in to calm himself and Mark felt awful to realise Seb had really been worrying while he had been paying him no attention. He reached over to put a hand on Seb’s arm and though Seb was facing out now, Mark could see the way he was taking shallow breaths.

“Damn,” he sighed to himself, jumping out of his side and going around.

Mark stood facing Seb, level with him in this car. Putting a hand on Seb’s arm Mark leaned in to get him to look.

“Are you okay?”

Seb looked at him, his skin tingling unpleasantly. He took another deep breath to make sure it was regulated rather than allowing himself to spin out of control.

“Sweetheart I’m sorry,” Mark apologised.

Sebastian shook his head, then took as deep a breath as he could before pushing it out. He closed his eyes for a second, then looked to see how concerned Mark looked.

“Sorry.”

“No darling. _I’m_ sorry. Are you alright?”

Seb nodded, then gnawed at his lip.

“Sorry, I don’t know what happened. I just got…”

He shook his head and closed his eyes again, hating that he had just freaked out over nothing more than taking a wrong turn.

“Do you want to step out and just have a sit out here?” proposed Mark.

 

Seb nodded and let Mark help him down so he could sit a little way over on the grass verge. Now they were higher up again things were more open and as Seb looked out past the car he could see they had come quite a long way, the fields stretching down into the distance.

“I’m just gonna grab Teddy.”

Seb looked up at him, realising a little disconnectedly that Mark was stood up. He nodded and looked back out at the view, thinking how peaceful it was. How could he have got so worked up when they were somewhere this beautiful? They’d just been driving around. They didn’t need to be anywhere by a certain time. Teddy had eaten plenty and they had one of the bought pre-made bottles and food in his bag if need be. Why had he spun that all up into feeling like a crisis? It was so illogical.

 

Mark came over with Teddy and sat beside him, sitting the baby on his knee and putting his arm around Seb.

“Hey.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“I’m sorry.”

“No darling, I’m sorry.”

“I just need a minute.”

Mark nodded and rubbed over his arm. Sebastian took some steady breaths, starting to feel restored by them. He looked at Teddy who was quietly holding onto his toy dinosaur and Seb gave him a smile.

“Sorry Kleiner. I’m okay.”

Mark rubbed Seb’s arm where he held him and looked at their son.

“Papa’s fine. Silly Daddy going the wrong way.”

Seb looked to him.

“I’m so sorry Liebling. I don’t know why I got so worked up.”

“No darling. I wasn’t paying attention. My fault.”

Seb shook his head.

“I don’t know why I get like this.”

 

He felt better for being outside and taking in the fresh air, but his heart was still going too fast. Mark looked at him wondering if it was worse to ask, or not to.

“Do you feel panicky?”

Seb’s mouth went tight, his eyes involuntarily watery.

“Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry. I’m such an oaf,” apologised Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No I just… Just for a minute. It’s so stupid.”

“No it’s not. It’s not darling. Okay? It’s fine.”

 

Seb let out a long breath then let it out slowly.

“It was like in Monaco.”

“Monaco?” frowned Mark.

“When I got lost. I felt a bit panicky then,” he explained. “When I was walking back to the hotel.”

“Oh, yes,” remembered Mark.

“It wasn’t full on.”

“No.”

“I just… I don’t know.”

“It’s being out of control.”

Seb looked to him and nodded.

“I guess,” he agreed quietly.

Mark gave him a squeeze.

“I’m sorry darling. I really didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s not your fault. I over-reacted. I just can’t help it.”

“That’s not your fault either,” assured Mark. “Are you sure you’re okay now?”

 

Seb nodded. Talking was helping. He could feel his heart-rate slowing as he began to feel things were as they should be again.

“Yeah. Thanks. I just… It’s when I feel it slipping away from me. Like a boulder going downhill, picking up speed.”

“Which panics you more?”

Seb looked to him.

“That wasn’t a proper attack,” he insisted.

“No no darling. I just meant generally.”

 

Seb nodded and Mark rubbed his arm again, knowing that even thinking he had suffered a panic attack was upsetting to Seb. That was the last thing he wanted. Compared to previous incidents this definitely didn’t count.

“But you managed it,” pointed out Mark, hoping practical positive comments would help.

Seb let out another long breath.

“I guess.”

“Do you want some water?”

“Thanks.”

“You okay with Teddy?”

“Yeah.”

Mark carefully passed their son over, looking to be sure Seb seemed alright holding him, then he nipped up and found a bottle of water tucked into the side door. He opened it and passed it over, noting that Seb didn’t want to pass the baby back. Mark said nothing, merely resuming his arm around him. After being quiet for a few minutes Teddy seemed to relax as they did, beginning to murmur and babble as if talking to them as he usually did. Seb raised his knees up and sat Teddy to lean back into them so he could see them both, a more natural smile returned to his lips.

 

Mark stayed pressed into his side, feeling guilty for provoking something that was at least close to a panic attack. All because he was careless, both with his driving and with Seb’s emotions. He leaned his head to the side, putting his cheek by Seb’s before turning more to kiss there.

“I really am sorry darling,” he apologised quietly.

Sebastian shook his head. Poor Mark looked so guilty when it was his own fault for being a weirdo who freaked out over only getting a bit lost. At least he hadn’t completely spiralled out of control.

“I’m not as bad as I used to be.”

“Sweetheart.”

“I’m not though, am I?”

Mark sighed. That was as good as it seemed to get in Seb’s eyes.

“Much better,” he agreed. “Really though darling that was all my fault.”

“No.”

“Seb.”

“I don’t want to argue Liebling.”

“Neither do I.”

They looked at one another, both wondering what to say.

“Let’s not argue then,” agreed Mark softly.

“Okay. Thank you.”

Mark hid a sigh. ‘Thank you for not apologising for being thoughtless and nearly giving me a panic attack’? What was he supposed to do with that? They couldn't sit here all day apologising to one another though. Then they really would end up arguing and that did neither of them any good.

 

Not knowing what else to do, Mark put his hand on Seb’s cheek to look him in the eye.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Mark smiled and leaned in to kiss him.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” he whispered.

Seb gave him a look, but Mark looked back firmly.

“Nothing,” he repeated. “Okay?”

 

Seb could only nod. Sometimes he wondered if there was a chromosome missing in him, or something in his brain that wasn’t quite right, that caused him to be this way. The accident might have explained it, but Seb knew he had often been far worse before then. Long talks with Dr Menton had never entirely pinned down when the attacks had started because it had taken until he was with Mark and he started going to therapy for Sebastian to realise that was what they were. He remembered feeling anxious even as a child, but that frantic feeling building under the surface, that had come later. Seb didn’t need telling why it had got worse.

 

“It wasn’t a proper attack,” he repeated.

“No,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian let out a long sigh and rested his head on Mark’s shoulder.

“Can we just sit here for a bit and then I’ll be alright?” he requested.

“Course. As long as you need. Then we’ll just go slowly back and find our way. I promise we’ll be okay.”

Seb nodded against him. For all they knew they could have been going in circles, barely any distance from where they needed to be. They’d find a way back and then it would all be okay, just as Mark said. It was silly to have thought anything else.

 

They distracted themselves by entertaining Teddy. Seb soon felt much better as the baby gurgled and laughed, reminding him that their son didn’t care where they were as long as his parents were there. Mark smiled at him too, but he kept his arm protectively around his husband, still cursing himself.

Seb needed plans in life. Really _needed_ them and needed to follow them when they were made. Mark knew it had something to do with the anxiety issues that lurked in the background. His husband didn’t like uncertainty. Hence all the maps and the always knowing things like when tides would be in, the notes he took in the race garage and all the extra work he put in with the team. Mark guessed it was about control, not of others, but over his own life, feeling secure in what was going on around him.

 

He left it a while before speaking to Seb.

“How you feeling sweetheart?”

Seb looked to him.

“Yeah. Okay now.”

“Good.”

Mark examined his face to be sure he wasn’t going to make things worse, then risked asking what was on his mind.

“Sweetheart, can I ask something?”

“Okay.”

“Um, okay so… feeling, not okay.”

“An attack.”

“Yeah,” Mark agreed cautiously. “Have you ever felt that way when you’re driving?”

“You mean racing.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian took in a long deep breath, then shook his head.

“No Liebling.”

“Okay.”

“Maybe… When stuff’s happened, bad stuff, like a crash…”

Mark felt his skin zing unpleasantly just at hearing the word ‘crash’. It made him think how it must be for Seb to react so uncontrollably and at almost nothing sometimes, so he rubbed over his upper arm again where he held onto him, not realising how it comforted him as well as Sebastian.

“…or something going wrong suddenly in a race,” continued Sebastian. “I guess that’s made me jump sometimes and my heart beats faster, but no Liebling I might worry a bit, but it’s never hit during a race or driving at all.”

“Good.”

Sebastian looked at him.

“Do you worry about that?”

Mark huffed a wry laugh.

“Darling I worry about you every time you get in a race-car, for every reason, for no reason. That’s just how it goes.”

“Okay. But not that.”

“Good. Thank you.”

Seb nodded, glad to have made Mark feel better when he knew what it was like to worry about your other half racing.

“I think… I don’t know Liebling. I do feel adrenaline obviously, but it’s sort of focussed. My heart pounds and I feel on edge, but it’s all aimed forwards. Even if something happens during the race, I’m still focussed on racing, it’s channelled. Do you see what I mean?”

“Yeah I think so.”

“When I’ve had attacks it’s like all that adrenaline has nowhere to aim for. It whirls around, spinning me up, like a tornado going nowhere, only making me dizzy. And then it’s all mixed up with panicky stuff and it goes in on me.”

 

Mark nodded. He was pretty sure if Seb had been the one driving when they got lost he wouldn't have got so upset. It was because he wasn’t driving. He didn’t have control of the situation and Mark hadn’t listened to him. In a way that was weirdly reassuring, to know that the crucial difference was that when Seb himself was at the wheel he was okay. If Mark hadn’t been so cavalier about them getting lost then Seb’s more logical approach would probably have put them back on the right road.

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you darling.”

“When?”

“Before.”

“Oh.” Seb gave a little shake of his head. “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not, but I promise to listen more. You’re the voice of reason.”

Seb let out a little laugh.

“I wouldn't say that.”

“I would.”

 

Mark took in a deep breath and looked around them. He could see a stream running through the rough hillside field a little way over.

“Do you fancy having a little stroll to clear our heads or do you want to head straight off?”

“Where?”

“See that stream? We could go walk along it for a bit.”

Sebastian looked over and spotted the narrow, but fast flowing stream. Stupid as it was, he found the idea of the stream comforting. You couldn't get lost following a stream because you’d just turn around and follow it back again.

“Yeah okay.”

“Not far, just stretch our legs and let the boys get some air.”

 

Sebastian nodded and let Mark take Teddy as they stood. He let the dogs out of the back, putting on their leads in case they came across the ubiquitous sheep, then they locked the car before cutting across the field to reach the stream and walking beside it up the hillside. Mark carried Teddy seeing as they hadn’t brought the carrier, but it was no burden. They knelt down by the water’s edge, the baby seeming fascinated by the noise it made and the sight of foamy water rushing by. Mark lowered him closer to let him put his hand in and Teddy squealed at how cold it was.

“Ha, not fancy that then mate?”

“Dada.”

“Nah, not one for paddling in,” Mark agreed.

The dogs were nosing in by it, but Seb kept a firm grip on the leads.

“Shall we go a bit further along?” he suggested.

“Sure.”

 

They stood and walked on, seeing where it led. At what seemed the far side of the field there was a gate, but it was on another of those stone-weighted chains, so they went though it, making sure it swung shut behind them. Further on the rough grassland got a little steeper and Mark was about to say they should turn around when they came to a huge boulder stuck into the hillside as if a giant had come along and dropped it. Here the stream curled around behind the rock and a rushing noise could be heard. Mark frowned, then as they walked around it they found to their surprise that the stream came from a small but dramatic waterfall.

“Oh wow!”

“Crikey,” smiled Mark, glad to see Seb looking impressed. “This is a find.”

“Look Schatz,” instructed Sebastian, “it’s a waterfall.”

Mark turned the baby round to see, the group standing far enough away that they could see but not feel the spray being thrown out by the splashing water. Teddy’s eyes widened and then he clapped his hands together, applauding this exciting display of nature’s power. His parents smiled and forgot all about the earlier incident as they watched this son seem so delighted by what they had come across.

The dogs were pretty excited too, so Seb held onto their collars to stop them bounding off into the water as he and Mark crouched down all together. Seb stroked Shadow and Simba to keep them calm and though he really had no idea where he was, which would normally have unnerved him, Sebastian found the sound of flowing water, the presence of his husband and son beside him, the dogs’ soft fur as he stroked it, all calming him.

 

Fifteen minutes later they were back by the car, the dogs jumping up into the boot as Mark fitted Teddy back into his seat. As Seb shut them in and came to join him, Mark turned.

“Right, now then darling, do you want to drive?”

“Um. I don’t really know where we’re going.”

“Well then we’re even sweetheart, cos I don’t either. We’ll just go nice and slow back down, follow the road and see if we can spot where to go.”

Seb paused, then nodded.

“Okay.”

“You’ll drive?”

“I’m not sure I’ll do better than you Liebling.”

“We’ll find our way. We just need not to rush. Anyway you’re bound to be better.”

“Why?” frowned Seb.

Mark shrugged.

“Four world championships to my one.”

Seb laughed.

“None of which are in rallying.”

“Meh.” Mark shrugged. “Still.”

“Okay.”

 

They started off again, trying the satnav, but finding it still all at sea. Sebastian drove carefully down the lane, both he and Mark scanning around them for any sign of a turn off. Then after another five minutes or so Sebastian slowed the car even more and nodded forwards. Mark looked where he was and laughed. Dead ahead at the edge of an open field there was a tall tree, the trunk straight up with an almost perfectly round cluster of green foliage at the top, as yet unaffected by the late autumn here.

“A tree that looks like a tree,” accepted Mark. “Well, ha, it really does.”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder. He knew it was a silly description, but it fitted.

“You see what I mean.”

“Yep. Bang on darling. Looks like a kid crayoned it. How bizarre.”

“I’m sure the turning is around here.”

“Righto.”

 

They drove another fifty yards and there tucked in at the side was a narrow unmarked turning. Both of them let out sighs of relief, then once they had turned, Mark leaned over and kissed Seb’s cheek.

“I’ve told you before about telling me to shut up when I’m being an idiot darling.”

Seb gave him a half smile.

“It did sound silly.”

“It was entirely accurate. You’re very observant.”

He could tell Seb was about to dismiss that so Mark turned and reached through into the back to rub Teddy’s leg.

“Papa’s gonna get us home little man. Good job we’ve got him isn’t it?”

 

Sebastian said nothing, then as he continued on another half mile or so, the satnav which had stubbornly been frozen without signal, suddenly burst into life.

“ _In one hundred metres, turn left.”_

“Ah ha!” exclaimed Mark.

“Oh thank god,” concurred Seb.

Mark patted the satnav.

“Oh our little friend. We promise never to ignore you again. Take us home and we’ll be ever faithful.”

Sebastian smiled, but he had every intention of doing exactly that.

“We must be out of the shadow of the mountain,” he guessed.

“Or a storm’s moved on. Either way darling I don’t care. Home, home.”

Seb drove on, following the satnav’s directions to take them back to their holiday lodge without deviation.

 

 

 

They spent a nice, calm, peaceful evening. Once they had given Teddy his early dinner they gave him a bath, trying to keep the atmosphere gentle and soothing so he would get in the mood for sleep, though as usual the baby got quite excited about the splashy water he sat in and his favourite game was to throw the toys out of the bath, laughing as his parents sighed and returned them to the water. After that they changed him ready for bed, then Mark sat reading to him while Seb went to down to get him some bedtime milk in the hope that would send him off so they could have a quiet bit of grown-up time later.

As he came back up, Seb paused in the doorway watching Mark holding their son on his lap as he sat on the unused double bed in there. He was reading him a Winnie the Pooh story from the book Christian had given his godson for his christening. Mark spotted Seb watching him and smiled, beckoning him over.

“Here’s Papa darling,” he informed Teddy. “He’s got some nice milk for you.”

Mark had been attempting to balance the baby in one arm whilst holding the large illustrated book in the other, but now he put the book down.

“Do you want to feed him while I read?” he proposed. “Then we can see if he’ll drop off.”

Seb nodded and took the baby, settling him facing Mark as they sat together, Mark picking the book back up to read more easily.

“What are we reading Liebling?” asked Sebastian.

“Ah Teddy wanted the one with the horrible Heffalump.”

Sebastian smiled, thinking their infant son was unlikely to have expressed any opinion on the matter.

“Very good,” he agreed.

 

Mark nodded and read on. As Teddy drank his milk he alternated between looking up to his papa feeding him and his daddy reading and showing him the pictures. Seb loved Mark’s story-telling voice. It was so warm and safe sounding, inherently comforting and reassuring, just like he was. No wonder their son looked so happy in his arms. Perhaps he had no idea what was being said and surely he couldn’t appreciate the plot of the story, but his father’s voice was soothing if nothing else. Perhaps it was just Mark and Seb that appreciated the stories and the time with their son? If so, surely that was more than enough.

It was of course Seb and Mark that smiled at the little jokes in the story, the pair of them catching each other’s eyes and trying not to laugh.

“…it’s much more friendly with two,” read Mark, looking over at Seb.

Seb nodded. He had no doubt that he was piglet in this scenario. He looked behind them for the Winnie the Pooh teddy-bear that Uncle Christian had given them to go with the book, giving it to Teddy to hold now that he had winded him. The baby squashed his round cheek into its soft fur as Mark finished reading the story.

“There now Teddybär, wasn’t that nice?”

Mark smiled and stroked over Teddy’s head.

“Our little bear. Think you’re rather smarter than poor Pooh aren’t you bud?”

“Course he is.”

“Yep. Right then, no growling little bear, time for bed.”

 

Mark set down the book as they stood to take Teddy to clean his teeth then put him into the cot. He tucked the baby in as Seb found a spot to put the teddy-bear where their Teddy could see it on the nearby drawers.

Teddy reached out his hands, but Seb shook his head.

“There, see? Pooh-bear will keep an eye on you,” he explained.

Teddy pouted, but Sebastian didn’t want to leave it with him unwatched in the cot. The baby murmured unhappily so Mark stroked over his blonde hair.

“Sleepy-time darling. Daddy and Papa will just be downstairs.”

Sebastian distracted himself from wavering by switching on the baby-monitor and picking up its twin to take down.

“Night-night Teddy,” parted Mark.

“Dada?”

“No darling. You sleep now.”

Teddy pouted again and Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Ah-ah, we’re not falling for that sunshine.”

“Gute Nacht Teddy,” parted Seb, the pair of them taking a step back before quickly exited before the baby tried crying to get them to stay.

 

With the door shut behind them they stopped on the landing to take a breath and waited to be sure their son wasn’t about to howl the place down.

“Is it wrong I find Eeyore hilarious?” wondered Mark.

“Hm? No I think he’s meant to be funny.”

“He’s so dry. It’s like he’s just wandered into a children's book by mistake.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I’m pretty sure it all goes over Teddy’s head, but never mind. Right Liebling, I put dinner in the oven when I made the bottle so we’d better go check it.”

“Very efficient of you.”

 

Hearing no evidence of Teddy doing anything other than settle down to accept his lot and go to sleep, they began to walk downstairs.

“Good job we’ve got you around,” commented Mark. “I can be a bear of very little brain sometimes.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Rubbish.”

“Hmm.”

At the bottom of the stairs Seb stopped and turned to Mark, knowing what he wasn’t referring to dinner, but earlier.

“No you’re not Liebling. I’d be lost without you.”

“You were lost with me.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I’d rather be lost with you, than know where I am on my own.”

Mark chuckled.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Mark could have commented that earlier events hadn’t really borne that out, but there was no point retreading things, and if Seb was happier thinking that way, then Mark knew he should just take it in the manner it was intended. He leaned over to kiss Seb’s cheek.

“Well tonight I don’t plan on going further than the sofa.”

“We’ll be fine then.”

“Though I was thinking we could open that wine we brought,” Mark suggested as they entered the kitchen.

Seb smiled.

“Are you think I might have to guide you up to bed?”

“Quite possibly,” agreed Mark. “You up for that darling?”

“Sure.”

 

After dinner they popped up to check that Teddy was indeed fast asleep, then went to settle in the lounge.

“Shall we have a drop more of the wine?” proposed Mark.

“Yeah okay.”

Mark got up to grab the bottle and their glasses, returning to find Seb knelt by the fire.

“I thought we could light it.”

“Ah, righto. Good idea darling.”

 

He put the wine on the coffee table and knelt with Seb on the rug to help him build the wood into a pyre and get it lit, then seeing as it was a comfy spot, they stayed sat there, watching the fire catch and spread through the piled wood.

“Where are the dogs?” asked Sebastian.

“Oh they’re happy with their grub in the boot-room.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“It’s very cosy in there.”

“It’s very cosy in here.”

“Mmm.”

Mark put his arm around Seb and glanced out of the huge window towards the lake.

“Tipping down again,” he observed.

“Yeah.”

“Oh well. Makes this all the cosier. Right, little drinkie.”

Sebastian laughed again as Mark poured them half a glass each and they settled back in, content just to watch the fire burn as they leaned in together, safe from the dire weather outside, their son’s breathing just audible from the monitor telling them he was safe too.

 

“This is nice,” commented Seb.

“Good.”

“I don’t think I could live here though.”

Mark laughed.

“I didn’t think that was what you meant.”

“Oh. Well _this_ is nice too.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“Very nice Liebling.”

Sebastian leaned more into Mark, then stretched up to kiss him, very nearly spilling his red wine onto the rug.

“Whoops,” he giggled.

Mark laughed too, then took both glasses to put them back on the coffee table.

“Not gone to your head has it darling?”

“Nope.”

“No?”

“Well, maybe just smidgey-midgey bit.”

Mark laughed harder at that, then pulled Seb in to kiss him properly.

 

Before they knew where they were, the two of them were sprawled out on the rug, the wine forgotten. Mark smiled to see Seb’s face illuminated by the firelight as he lay into him. He reached up a hand to card though his hair. His Seb, so beautiful, so fragile, so precious.

Sebastian saw the way he was looking at him.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“I’m thinking I love you.”

“Oh.” Sebastian let out a long sigh and rested his head into Mark’s shoulder, then slipped his hand into Mark’s.

“Liebling.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to be sure of you.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and kissed him, squeezing his hand as he did.

“You can always be sure of me.”

“Yes.” Seb smiled and moved to kiss him again. “For sure.”

Mark laughed.

“For sure.”

“For sure,” teased back Seb, gaining a tickle for it. _“Ah_.”

Mark grinned and slid his hand under Seb’s shirt to do it again. The way Seb wriggled into him whilst making those noises was too nice not to.

 

They were getting quite carried away when a louder murmur came from the baby monitor and they paused, both listening to hear whether it developed. Seb pushed himself up off Mark and turned the volume up.

“He’s fine,” insisted Mark.

“Hmm. I think I might just go check.”

“Seb.”

“I need to go to the loo anyway.”

“Don’t disturb him,” insisted Mark. “He’ll probably have dropped right back to sleep.”

Sebastian stood so Mark sat up from where they had been lying on the rug in front of the fire. Seb huffed a laugh at the sight of Mark trying to pout and leant down to kiss him.

“I’ve no intention of disturbing him,” assured Seb. “I’ll be right back I promise.”

As Sebastian disappeared off upstairs Mark distracted himself by putting another log on the fire and watching it catch light. Selfish as it might be, he really hoped Seb wasn’t going to get stuck with an awake baby when they had been very much enjoying some alone time.

 

“Hey.”

Mark was surprised to see how fast Seb had reappeared, now sitting down on the rug beside him.

“That was quick.”

“”He’s asleep.”

Mark nodded, not pointing out that he had said Teddy would be. Sebastian smiled more widely and Mark raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“I had an idea.”

“Oh did you?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian was trying not to laugh, but he couldn’t keep it up, so he lifted his hand to show Mark what had been hidden by his side.

“Oh.”

“Mm,” smiled Seb. “Is this terribly presumptuous of me Liebling?”

Mark considered the bottle of lube now placed by them and shook his head.

“I dunno darling. Might have to think about that.”

“Ah, I’ll just pop it back in the suitcase then.”

The pair of them burst out laughing as Seb went to pick the bottle back up and Mark wrestled him for it, inevitably ending up with them rolling around on the floor kissing as the ‘wrestling’ developed rapidly into hands wandering whilst attempting to divest each other of their clothing. As Mark held himself over Sebastian he paused, smiling to see how pink those round cheeks were as Seb looked up at him, the pair of them a little out of breath. He lowered in for a kiss, then knelt up, reaching to undo Seb’s jeans, Seb laughing as Mark worked to tug them down his legs.

“Want any help Liebling?” he teased.

“Nope.”

Mark pulled them off and dumped them to the side. He looked back at Seb lying before him with an appraising eye.

“Like what you see?” smiled Seb.

Mark gave a flick of his eyebrows.

“Very much so darling.”

He leaned over Seb to begin kissing his body. Pressing his lips to him through his underwear Mark had just the effect he intended. He lifted up a little and looked down.

“Goodness, what’s this?”

Sebastian giggled as Mark carefully slid a finger under the elastic of his underwear at the front, lifting it to peer curiously in.

“Oh _my_.”

Sebastian lifted up his hips, encouraging Mark to remove his underwear altogether. That done, Mark went to move in again, but Seb looked up to him, stroking his hand over his jeans.

“Liebling I’m feeling at something of a disadvantage here.”

“Oh dear. That won’t do.”

“No.”

 

Sitting himself up, Sebastian undid Mark’s jeans, then found that with Mark kneeling, this wasn’t the easiest job. When Mark tried to help they ended up toppling over in a laughing heap.

“I see I’ve wound up underneath you,” noted Mark.

“Are you complaining Liebling?”

“Oh absolutely not sweetheart.”

They both smiled, then Seb leaned in, kissing at Mark’s jaw and shivering a little at the sensation of the stubble on his lips. As he lifted away a fraction to take in air Mark stroked his hands over Seb’s back.

“Are you cold?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“We’re by the fire.”

Mark glanced sideways and gave a little acknowledging tip of his head.

“Not cold Liebling,” assured Sebastian. “Not at all.”

“Good.”

Seb stole a kiss, then looked down.

“I’d say we’re warming up quite nicely.”

Mark laughed, then sat up slightly, prompting Seb to shift to move to straddle him. They began to kiss more deeply, Seb instinctively moving against Mark as their breathing sped up. Mark broke away from kissing Seb to look for the bottle of lube so he could begin touching him, loving the way it caused him to gasp, the sounds getting ever higher in pitch.

Seb was trying to concentrate on rub his body into Mark’s in the way he knew he liked. There was no doubting that from how hard he was and the little groans he let out every time Sebastian moved against him. It was difficult not to be distracted by the way Mark was touching him, those long careful fingers reaching inside and taking his breath away, making him want more.

“Ah, Gott!”

Mark kissed hard against Seb’s neck, then repeated the motion, getting an even higher-pitched reaction. Then as he paused, Sebastian moved away just enough to slip his hand between them, this time causing Mark to let out the louder noise.

“Liebling, ah...” Seb closed his eyes to compose himself to speak, then put his mouth by Mark’s ear. “I, _mm_ …” He bit his lip as Mark teased him by moving his fingers to touch him in just the way he knew would push him close to the edge. _“Oh_.”

Mark stilled his hand as he gazed at those pink swollen lips and it gave Seb enough relief to let him speak again, though he already felt light-headed and he didn’t think it came from the glass and a half of wine he had drunk.

“Liebling, I need you inside me.”

“Jesus,” groaned Mark, his voice so low and gravelly that it only drove Seb on more.

“Please.”

Seb knelt a little higher, so Mark moved his hand and their eyes locked as Seb picked up the lube instead, pouring a small amount out to stroke over his cock before helping to guide him in. His eyes fell closed as he lowered slowly down, taking both their breath away. Seb pressed his forehead into Mark’s as he came to rest and they simply breathed together for a while until they looked properly into one another's eyes and began kissing again. Mark’s hands had gone to Seb’s waist to help him as he started to move, the pair of them still kissing, though as things sped it that became more haphazard until all they could do was concentrate on moving, hanging onto each other, Seb’s hands on Mark’s shoulders to keep going.

They tried to make things last as long as they could, but Mark could sense Seb tiring so he shifted his hands to go under his thighs, helping them move together faster and faster until it got too much and Sebastian stuttered, dropping into Mark with a cry, Mark groaning as he followed. He hardly noticed how Seb’s face was pressed into his own, their noses alongside as they breathed heavily. Seb’s had slid around his neck and now he sagged in Mark’s arms, turning his head to rest into his shoulder as Mark kept them up.

Mark smiled to see Seb’s eyes had fallen closed. He wasn’t heavy and Mark loved the way Seb hung onto him in these moments, still gone, but a part of his brain needing Mark to be as close as possible. He took a deeper breath, feeling Seb’s chest almost stuck to his own as he moved with him. As all other forms of communication were out for now, Mark smoothed his hands over the curve of Seb’s back, eventually spotting a smile on Seb’s face, though those blue eyes remained shut.

“You with me darling?” he whispered.

Sebastian smiled more broadly and slowly opened his eyes, taking in a deeper breath before sighing it out. He didn’t move though. He didn’t want to. Like this he could inhale that amazing ‘Mark’ scent at his neck and enjoy the way it seemed to flow through him making him feel safe and happy as it always did.

“Mm.”

Mark huffed a laugh and kissed Seb’s nose before giving him a little squeeze.

“Love you.”

Sebastian raised his head to look at him.

“Love you too Liebling.”

“Good.” Mark could see Seb’s eyes looked rather more focussed now. “Shall we get a bit more comfy?”

 

Seb nodded, so they moved to lie down properly, staying where they were rather than dragging themselves upstairs before they were ready. Hot and sticky as they were, being in front of the fire was perhaps a little too warm, but it felt only natural to tangle up together there, arms around each other and pressed in tight. As they relaxed Mark spared a hand to stroke over Seb’s cheek.

“You ‘kay?” he checked.

“Yeah, good.”

“Good.” Mark huffed a little laugh. “You know what this reminds me of?”

“What?”

“Our honeymoon.”

“Ah yes.”

Sebastian smiled thinking that they did tend to get a little more adventurous when they were on holiday for some reason. He reached to kiss Mark who stroked over his arm.

“You wanna move?” Mark checked.

“Not yet.”

“Five minutes?”

Sebastian laughed at Mark teasing him.

“You know me.”

“I do darling. No rush.”

 

Turning his head, Seb listened to the monitor to hear their son breathing in his sleep, but he was plainly fine, so he settled back in against Mark.

“No Teddy on our honeymoon,” he noted.

“That’s true. God, that seems so strange don’t you think?”

Seb nodded. He couldn't imagine life without their son.

“Liebling.”

“Mm?”

“Can we have a lie-in tomorrow?”

“A fake lie-in?”

“Yeah.”

“Unless Teddy decides to kip till midday.”

The pair of them laughed at that. Likely story.

“No worries darling,” assured Mark. “We’ll just have a nice relaxed day tomorrow. Lie-in, slope about, have a little fun and then pootle off for lunch.”

“Your birthday lunch.”

“I thought all of this was for my birthday?”

“It is.”

“Excellent. Aren’t I a lucky boy?”

 

Sebastian smoothed a hand over Mark’s chest.

“If we have a little rest here, maybe when we go up you might get lucky again,” he proposed.

“Crikey.”

Sebastian giggled at that.

“Sound good Liebling?”

“God yeah.” Mark stole a kiss. “Right, let’s have a little nap.”

“Mmm.”

Seb snuggled into him. Little nap to recover themselves, then they could head up, grab a shower and then see what happened. Seb had a few ideas in mind. Maybe in the shower..? He smiled to himself as he pressed his cheek into Mark’s chest, mulling over what he might like. It was Mark’s birthday after all. Kinda.

 

 

 

The next day they did as they had promised themselves; taking their time getting up and having a late breakfast. The weather was drizzly so they stood in the opened dining room garden doors and watched the dogs amusing themselves in the garden, deciding not to care that they were running into the shallows at the edge of the lake.

“Ah I’ll towel ‘em off,” offered Mark.

Seb hitched Teddy up in his arms.

“Silly doggies aren’t they?”

Teddy clapped his hands together.

“I suspect he doesn’t think so,” Mark commented.

“Hmm.”

 

Seeing as they were going to change anyway, Mark went out to round them up, then led the dogs around to the boot-room to prevent them dirtying up the lodge. Then he piled up their bowls and gave them a rub down.

“Right boys, now we’re going out for lunch and you have to stay here, so you need to be as good as you are at home.”

“Even gooder,” added Seb from the doorway.

Mark smiled and nodded, knowing his husband's English was better than that and he was teasing.

“Yep, just so boys.”

They had a little look around the place to check there was nothing for the dogs to accidentally damage such as vases or trailing cables to lamps, but seeing as the lodge had fairly minimalistic design, there wasn’t much for them to get into trouble with.

 

 

Half an hour later they were heading out to the restaurant Seb had booked for Mark’s birthday lunch. Mark didn’t care that it was two weeks late. He thought he was doing pretty well out of this weekend as it was, especially after last night.

Sebastian drove, Mark making no comment about how carefully he checked their route on the satnav before they set off. The last thing they wanted was to get lost again, but at least this time they had specific place to aim for. It took about twenty minutes to get there, mostly by country lanes and then uphill to a building perched on the lower foothills of one of the mountains. Even the view from the car-park was impressive. As Mark lifted Teddy out of his car-seat he puffed a breath.

“Blimey. Hope the food’s as good as the setting.”

“I hope it is too. The reviews are really good.”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“I’m sure it’s great. Anyway, as long as there’s grub and my two favourite people, I’m all set.”

 

They headed inside, arriving at the front desk to give their name to the maître’d who took his time checking their booking. It was rather posher than anywhere they usually frequented, but Seb had wanted something special for Mark’s birthday, particularly when he’d had to wait for it because of Seb’s racing commitments.

“Um, I did check about the baby when I booked,” reminded Seb. “They said there’d be a high-chair for him.”

The man looked again, then nodded.

“Very good sir, if you’d like to come with me.”

Mark gave Sebastian a smile to encourage him as they went through. The restaurant was distinctly high-end; large, white linen covered tables with high-backed chairs, mostly populated by smartly dressed couples. Seb spotted one or two families, but they were clearly in the minority and he hoped they would welcome Teddy here or he and Mark were unlikely to be able to enjoy themselves. As it was he had only brought a bottle for the baby rather than ask for food which could get messy. He felt relieved to see that their table over by the large picture windows had a high-chair waiting for them.

Mark slotted Teddy’s legs in and looked for the strap to keep him safely held while Sebastian tried to ignore the fact he could tell at least some of the other diners were looking at them. He didn’t know if it was because they recognised them or because they were a gay couple with a baby. Seb looked to Teddy instead, giving him a smile before he and Mark sat down beside him.

“Can I bring you the wine menu?” asked a waiter who had appeared by them.

“Ah sorry mate, we’re driving, just water thanks,” replied Mark.

“You could,” offered Seb. “I don’t mind driving.”

Mark shook his head.

“Nah, we’ve got the long drive home later.”

“You sure?”

“Yep, no good drinking on your own anyway.”

Mark turned to the waiter and nodded confirmation of his original order. As he left them Mark looked out of the window down into the valley with yet another lake and mountains in the background.

“Cracking table.”

Sebastian smiled and forgot about anyone who might be looking at them.

“Thanks. I thought it’d be nice to do something different.”

“Yep, good call.”

Seb pulled out a couple of Teddy’s soft toys for him to play with along with a cloth book, putting them on the little tray at the front of his chair. Mark smiled, knowing that was tactical so that they didn’t make any noise to disturb people. With any luck they’d keep him happy, then if Teddy got crotchety they’d warm his bottle and that ought to keep him quiet. They’d forgotten to ask about changing facilities when they came in, but Mark would bet Seb had already enquired when he made the booking.

 

The food when it came was a good deal more fancy than anything they were used to eating, but they had managed to find healthy enough options that they didn’t need to feel too guilty about having them. Mark leaned in closer to Seb once the waiter had placed down their plates with a flourish and departed.

“Why do posh places always have to make little towers of food on the plate?”

“I think they’re frustrated architects,” replied Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh and began deconstructing his food so he could actually eat it.

“Tastes good at least,” he pronounced after trying a mouthful.

“Mm.”

Sebastian reached to pass a dropped toy back to Teddy and gave him a smile.

“You’re being a good boy for Daddy’s birthday meal Schatz.”

“Dadda-dah.”

Mark laughed and stroked over his hair.

“Always a good lad, aren’t you?”

Teddy gurgled, then promptly dropped his toy back on the floor, making Seb sigh a little.

“Why is this his favourite new game?”

Mark shrugged.

“Just be grateful he’s not flinging it at our fellow diners darling.”

Sebastian nodded. It’d be pretty embarrassing if their son lobbed a teddy-bear into someone's soup at the next table, especially if they had worked out who they were.

“Racing drivers ejected from restaurant for unruly behaviour,” he whispered, imagining the headline.

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“No causing a stir kiddo,” he admonished Teddy who merely gurgled a laugh before waving his cloth book around undeterred.

 

His parents watched to see that their son didn’t send it into the distance, then went back to their meal, chatting about what they wanted to do with the bit of time they had left before Seb went off to Singapore when they got home.

“Feels like it’s coming up fast now,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark nodded and put down his fork to rub over Seb’s hand.

“You’ll soon be back.”

“Yeah. I feel sorry for the team. It makes no sense to have a weekend in-between before Malaysia.”

“Are they staying out there?”

“Some are. I dunno, I guess if you’ve no ties you can have a nice little exotic break, but I feel bad for those with families.”

“Not everyone has your plane I guess.”

“It’s not mine.”

“Ours then.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“Not ours. It’s hired.”

“Well, effectively ours. You could always offer people a lift,” suggested Mark.

“I have. Well, most of the team have to be there ahead of me and stay on, but I offered Christian and Britta lifts.”

“Any takers?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“They’re going early too. I’ll offer again for the way back, but I think they know I always want to dash off.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah well you don’t need to feel guilty about that darling. It’s us you’re rushing home for.”

“Me too.”

“Well alright, but us as a family.”

“Yeah.” Seb let out a little sigh. “If I had one super-power it would be to apparate like in Harry Potter so I could magic straight home.”

Mark smiled and nodded again.

“Yep. Ah well. Just have to settle for the super-power of racing mega fast.”

“Ha, yeah okay Liebling.”

 

Mark turned to Teddy and stroked over his arm.

“You and me buddy, gonna have our little race-watching parties on the sofa together, aren’t we?”

“Singapore’s alright with the timings, but you know you don’t have to stay up for Malaysia Liebling.”

Mark looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

“If we swapped places, what would you be doing?”

Sebastian opened his mouth, then closed it again. No way would he be able to miss watching Mark race, if only to be sure he was okay. He let out a long sigh.

“It’s in the middle of the night.”

Mark shrugged.

“I’ve only got to lie on the sofa watching it. I won’t bring Teddy unless he’s already up.”

“No I know you wouldn't, but...”

“I’ll be fine,” insisted Mark firmly.

They looked into one another’s eyes for a moment, then Seb nodded acceptance.

“Alright, but will you at least let Pauline babysit a bit so you can have a sleep after.”

Mark smiled.

“If it makes you happy darling, then sure. It’s only really Friday that’s the overnight job. I’ll be up early with this young man for the rest anyway.”

“I’m sure Pauline wouldn't mind.”

“I’m sure she wouldn't either. Righto, well there’s a plan. Not for a few weeks anyway.”

“Yeah.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You trying to get it all planned out in your head?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“I guess.”

“Fair enough. So that takes us to October. We can go from there, right?”

“Sure. Thank you.”

 

Mark just nodded. He didn’t really want to think too much about Seb being off racing while he was left at home, but he understood that Sebastian felt better for having more of an idea how things would be.

“I tell you one thing I’ve worked out,” he offered.

“Hm?” replied Seb, just finishing a mouthful whilst simultaneously picking up one of Teddy’s toys yet again.

“It’s now only eleven weeks until the end of the season.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Is it?”

“And, fifteen weeks until Christmas.”

Seb laughed.

“Well now that _is_ pretty exciting.”

“Isn’t it just?”

“Though we’ve still not decided what we’re doing.”

Mark scrunched his nose.

“I say we ignore that for as long as possible.”

“Okay.”

Seb was pretty sure it wouldn't be as easy as that, but today wasn’t the day to worry about it.

 

They ate their meal, interspersing talking with retrieving Teddy’s things and keeping him entertained. Spurning desert, they opted for coffee and got half-way through it before Teddy’s good mood changed and he commenced grousing. Seb lifted him out of his chair and stood with him before the baby started wailing at full volume.

“Liebling can you get his bottle warmed while I see if he needs changing?”

Mark had been about to go with him, but he accepted the division of labour and tried to get a waiter’s attention while Seb whipped Teddy past the tables to find the bathrooms as quickly as possible. He felt all eyes on him, but right now he was too concerned with sorting his son out to care if they were looking for any reason other than the noise the baby was making. When he got back Mark had the bottle warming in a large jug in the centre of the table.

“Did he need changing?” enquired Mark.

“Mm. Not too bad though,” Seb replied.

“Good.”

Sebastian sat down with a now quieter baby on his lap. Teddy still didn’t look too happy though.

“Shall we try a bottle anyway?” Mark wondered.

“Yeah I think so.”

 

Mark took the bottle out to shake, then placed it back in for a minute before testing it and handing to Seb who shifted the baby a little back and placed the teat in his mouth. Mark watched the way Teddy reached his hands to hold onto the bottle himself, breathing a little heavily through his nose before settling.

“That’s better huh?” noted Mark.

Sebastian let out a long sigh, gazing down at their son, then back at Mark.

“I’m really going to miss you.”

“I know.”

Seb sighed again, then nodded. Nothing to be done but accept how things were and make the best of it. He looked out of the window at the view for a moment thinking how strange it was to know that in a week’s time he would have left rainy mountains and lakes for the bright lights of Singapore on the other side of the world. Right now he would be racing in stifling heat that dominated even night running there. Or at least he hoped he’d still be racing, assuming he hadn’t stuffed up at the start. Seb smiled to Mark and hitched Teddy up a fraction as he held the bottle higher.

“At least we stay on European times for Singapore,” he noted.

“True.”

“And we can Facetime.”

“Course we can. Whenever you’re free,” assured Mark. “You can join us for storytime before bed.”

Seb smiled.

“I’d like that.”

“Good.” Mark reached to tickle the base of Teddy’s foot. “We’ll miss Papa too won’t we kiddo?”

Seb and Mark looked at each other again. They’d just have to manage.

 

Mark drank his coffee, offering to take over feeding Teddy, but Seb wasn’t all that bothered. Now that Teddy was happy and quiet he didn’t worry so much about people staring at them. Instead he looked out of the large window in front of them.

“Gone gloomy,” he observed.

“Mm,” agreed Mark. “I think we’ve lost one mountain entirely.”

Seb huffed a little laugh, then set down the empty bottle and lifted Teddy up to wind him.

“Daddy says we’ve lost a mountain Liebling. I think it’s hiding. What do you think?”

Teddy burbled something, then lay his head down on Sebastian’s shoulder.

“Oh dear, gone tired now,” commented Mark.

Seb nodded and rubbed over the baby’s back.

“Your coffee will have gone cold,” Mark noted. “Do you want another?”

“Nah I’m alright.”

“Okay, well what say we go back, pack up the car, then just have a drink and a little play?”

“Assuming he’s not asleep.”

“Yeah, well he can sleep while we drive.”

“Sure. Do you want to get the bill then Liebling?”

 

 

Soon after they were back at the lodge. Teddy had fallen asleep in the car so they put him down in his cot for a nap while they sorted everything out to go into the car, the weather here thankfully having perked up and returned to intermittent sunshine, though it wasn’t as warm as on Saturday morning. As they organised things they let the cooped up dogs out to run around on the lawn hoping that they would use up some of their energy.

“There’s no such thing as packing light with us these days is there?” commented Mark as he wedged the pushchair into the roof box along with their bags and half a dozen other things.

“Guess not.”

There came a noise from the baby monitor that Seb had placed on top of the car, then that familiar wailing.

“He’s up.”

“I’ll go,” offered Sebastian.

Mark puffed a breath as he balanced on the footstep to shove everything down before closing and securely locking the box. As he stepped down onto the ground the dogs came running around the side of the lodge to find him, barking and jumping up.

“Oh you’re excited. What have you found?”

Mark followed them back to discover a dead rabbit at the side of the house, left by the boot-room door. He sighed, then let out a laugh as the dogs fussed around him.

“Yes I get it, it’s a leaving present. Very good boys, but I’m not sure the owner will appreciate it as you do.”

“Mark!”

“Yep?”

Mark went and poked his head around to the front where the car was parked to see Seb carrying Teddy.

“Oh there you are,” realised Seb.

“Yeah, sorry, just need to sort something out.”

“Hmm?”

“Boys you go to the lawn with Seb. On you go.”

 

He gave the dogs a push and pointed to the lake side of the house. As Sebastian came over he paused and Mark nodded over to the side door.

“A little offering.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah so I’m just gonna dispose of the evidence before we get into trouble for knocking off Flopsy Bunny here.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“Oh don’t say that.”

Mark shrugged, so Seb shook his head and swept past before Teddy could see it, going round to sit on one of the chairs on the decking where they could watch the dogs scampering about. A few minutes later Mark emerged via the dining area doors bearing two coffees which he set on the outdoor table.

“Thanks.”

“No bother. All sorted then; car packed, boot-room tidied so don’t let them back in with muddy paws.”

Seb nodded, then sat Teddy more over to one side of his knee so he could drink his coffee.

“What did you do with, you know?” asked Sebastian, avoiding being too specific in front of their son.

“It was a short service, lovely flowers, just a few hymns.”

“Huh?”

Mark chuckled to himself.

“I used a stick to dig a hole in the woods and buried it.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t fret, I’ve washed my hands.”

“I should hope so.”

“I didn’t actually touch the, you know, Mr Fluffy Bob-tail.”

“Right.” Seb looked to the dogs running around. “Why do they do that?”

“It’s an offering.”

“Hmm.”

“Guess it means they’re happy they’ve had a nice time here.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I think they know this is for your birthday Liebling.”

“Ha, possibly. Anyway, it’s dealt with.”

“Thank you.”

“That’s alright.”

 

The sipped their drinks for a bit, half watching the dogs playing.

“So about four hours to get home then,” noted Sebastian.

“Yep thereabouts, depending on how many times we need to stop.”

“I checked his nappy before.”

“Good stuff.”

Seb tried taking another sip of his coffee, but Teddy was waking up more now and started reaching for the mug.

“No it’s hot Schatz, you’ll burn yourself.”

“Hang on.” Mark put his own drink down and took the baby, ducking inside to grab the baby-bag and pulling out a couple of toys before setting Teddy down on the decking in front of them. “There we go buddy, have a little play.”

 

Sebastian watched as their son immediately put his hands down on the wooden decking and began crawling around. There was no step to the grass for him to fall down but he wasn’t convinced the decking was hygienic.

“It’s not really clean,” worried Seb.

“Ah he’ll be fine. Gotta build up that immune system.”

Seb gave him a look and Mark shook his head.

“Sweetheart we’ve got to loosen up a bit. He’s not tiny any more. He’ll be alright without us spraying down every surface he touches.”

 

Seb huffed a little breath, but a part of him knew Mark was right. There were wipes in the baby-bag so he could clean those little hands afterwards, just so long as he wasn’t putting them in his mouth. The dogs who had been amusing themselves running around further down the lawn were heading towards the lake edge so Mark stood and put two fingers in his mouth to whistle, Shadow and Simba halting at the loud noise.

“No you don’t boys. We are not travelling the length of the country with two wet dogs in a brand new car thank you very much. Here!”

They had turned to look so Mark pointed at his feet.

“ _Now!”_

Sebastian watched as the two dogs ran up to them, wondering how Mark invested so much authority in his voice. Seb knew when he spoke to them it always sounded as if he was saying please. Mark just told them. As the dogs came to nose around where Teddy was exploring Seb wondered if he would end up being the softer one with their son too or whether he could toughen up. It was so hard when all he wanted was their little boy to be happy, but they didn’t want him to be spoiled.

“Do you think he understands what we’re saying?”

Mark looked to him.

“Hm? Who? Teddy or the dogs.”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“Teddy.”

“Oh. Some I guess. More and more I reckon.” Mark saw Simba going in for a lick where Teddy was crawling around with them now. “No, no licking.”

Seb resisted the urge to snatch the baby up and watched as Teddy sat back on his rear and laughed at the dogs, reaching to pat them while Shadow and Simba patiently stood letting him, only nosing in a little to smell him. Mark was right, he should lighten up. Dog germs and walked-on decking wasn’t going to harm their son. He wasn’t the tiny premature baby they’d had to protect so assiduously all those months ago.

“Do you think he’ll be walking soon?” Seb wondered out-loud.

Mark chuckled.

“Darling he’s only really just started crawling.”

“I spose.”

Mark leaned in and kissed Seb’s cheek.

“Bet he will before we know it. Soon be toddling about, won’t you kiddo?”

Teddy turned his head to seek his father's voice and Mark shifted off his garden chair to kneel by him.

“What’ll we do then eh? Be chasing you all over the place once you’ve got those little legs going.”

 

Sebastian finished his coffee, then came to kneel with them. Mark lifted Teddy up and held him under the arms, grinning as he moved him a little side-to-side as if walking. Seb laughed as well and offered out his hands, so Mark ‘walked’ Teddy a couple of feet over, then handed him to Seb.

“Yeah, go Teddy!”

Sebastian laughed again, glad to see Teddy smiling.

“Do you like that Schatz? Okay then, let’s walk to Daddy.”

He turned him around and ‘walked’ the baby back to Mark, both of them smiling at how hilarious Teddy looked as he bumbled along, little legs barely touching the floor. As he reached Mark again and was turned around, Teddy bounced his legs, Mark lowering him a little to do so but still taking his weight. Teddy clapped his hands together, so Seb did the same as he faced him and Mark dipped round to kiss Teddy’s cheek.

“Yeah you’re very pleased with yourself. Righto, we’ve got a new game then.”

They played at this for a few more minutes, the dogs spectating from the side as if an appreciative audience, then the sky clouded over and a little drizzle started blowing in.

“Right. That’s us done I reckon,” decided Mark.

 

They hurriedly tidied away, sorting out the last of the bits in the kitchen so it was as they left it, then as Mark put the cleaned mugs back in the cupboard, Teddy balanced on his hip while Seb made up a couple of travel bottles, he looked down at the floor.

“Oh hell, we forgot about letting the dogs back inside.”

Sebastian looked at the paw-prints on the thankfully tiled floor and sighed.

“Again. Ah boys.”

He went to clean them up, Mark sending the dogs into the boot-room again and shutting the door so they didn’t wander elsewhere.

“You know what they need.”

“What?”

“Doggy slippers.”

Sebastian was on his hands and knees wiping the floor, but he sat back and laughed.

“God I thought for a minute you were going to say we should have brought Pauline with us.”

“Ha, no. Blimey, there’d be a busman’s holiday.”

Seb stood now the floor was clean.

“A what?”

“A busman’s holiday. When you go away and end up doing your job anyway.”

“Oh. That’s a weird expression.”

“I guess. Anyway. Thank you sweetheart.” Mark looked to Teddy as he held him. “Isn’t Papa good darling?”

“Papa,” echoed Teddy, reaching out his arms as Seb stood.

“Just a sec. Let me clean my hands and your hands actually while I think on.”

“And then we’re done,” completed Mark.

“Yeah.”

 

A few baby wipes later and Sebastian held Teddy, Mark checking the baby-bag was fully supplied ready to go, then coming to stand with them.

“Right, we’re all set then.”

They wandered into the lounge area, taking a last look out to the lake where it was now raining with some intensity.

“Blimey, it’s not mucking about now is it?” commented Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Ah well, won’t bother us on the road.”

“Mm.” Seb looked out at the view. It was still beautiful in its own way, but he preferred the sunnier version. “You know it’s lovely here Liebling, but I don’t think I could live here.”

“No. Ah well. Nice to visit.”

“Have you enjoyed your birthday weekend then?”

“Absolutely.” Mark kissed Seb’s cheek. “Thank you darling.”

Sebastian smiled and Mark tried not to laugh at the way he stood a little taller in response to the praise. He glanced back into the lounge, eyes falling to the area in front of the fire, and Mark leaned in to whisper in Seb’s ear.

“Tell you what though. Indispensable though Pauline is, I’m not sorry it’s just us. Might have rather cramped our style last night.”

He laughed as Seb’s cheeks actually pinked a little, then gave him a wink to make him smile.

“Mm,” agreed Sebastian, glancing back to Teddy thinking he was grateful their son would have no clue what they were talking about. “I suppose one thing about being away and missing you so much is I’ll be extra glad to get home.”

“How glad?” teased Mark.

“Very glad.”

Mark nodded.

“Well, that sounds very promising. I shall also be very glad you’re home sweetheart, so that sounds like a good combination.”

“Good.”

“Silver linings and all that.”

Sebastian chuckled and nodded outside.

“Not many of them out there.”

“No. Ah well, we might as well get cracking then. Last checks and we’ll be off.”

 

Once they had dropped off the keys with the proprietor and thanked him, they were on their way, following the windy lanes in reverse to track their way back to the motorway. As they went along the link A-road they passed the high hills that had been their first hint of the mountains to come.

“There’s the heart forest,” pointed out Seb again.

“Yep,” nodded Mark, glancing sideways from the driver's seat at the cluster of trees on the slope to their left now, unmistakably heart shaped. “I’m sure they planted it just for us.”

Sebastian laughed and turned to reach so he could touch Teddy’s leg, checking him in the little mirror.

“Daddy’s being silly Liebling.”

“Daddy’s very silly,” agreed Mark.

Seb sat back and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“Maybe he did plant it on purpose. Not for us, but his wife or whoever. Maybe it was a message.”

Mark smiled, thinking how Seb could be very romantic when he chose.

“Maybe,” he agreed. “Maybe it had to be a secret.”

“To someone on the other side of the valley?”

“Yeah. Tell you what though, they’d have to be patient to wait for a forest to grow.”

“Oh.” Seb sat back a bit. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

Mark saw a little of that pouting bottom lip, so he thought of something else to cheer him up.

“Maybe it was a long time thing? Like a ‘I still love you and I always will’ message.”

Sebastian perked up.

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded.

“There we go then. Just like us.”

“Ha, will you plant me a forest Liebling?”

“I will if you want.”

Seb scrunched his nose up.

“Mm, no it’s okay. I don’t need a forest.”

“What do you need then?”

“Just you. And Teddy.”

“Ah there we go then.”

 

The satnav guided them to the motorway junction, the large sign above declaring that they were now heading down the M6 to ‘THE SOUTH’.

“Bit of music?” proposed Seb.

“Sure.”

Sebastian turned around to check on Teddy in the back.

“Schatz do y…” He stopped and turned back to Mark. “He’s already asleep.”

Mark chuckled, glancing in his rear-view mirror to see the same.

“Ah well, foot down and we’ll make good time then.”

Sebastian turned on some low music and settled back in his seat. Mark could do first stint, he’d do second, and if Teddy slept the whole way home neither of them would be complaining.

 

 

 

As it turned out they weren’t quite that lucky, but they managed only the one pit-stop to feed and change Teddy and have a break for themselves and the dogs before Seb took over at the wheel to get them home.

By the time they got back it was nearly eight pm so they restricted themselves to unpacking only what was absolutely essential, then gave Teddy his bottle and put him to bed before sorting things out properly and finally collapsing onto the sofa.

“God I’m knackered,” declared Mark.

“Me too.”

“All I had to do was sit for the last two hours. I must be getting old.”

“Nope.”

Mark opened his mouth to argue, but Seb pushed himself up off the sofa and silenced him with a kiss. As they parted Mark smiled.

“That’s me told.”

“Yes it is.”

Mark laughed and put his arm around Seb to pull him close.

“Okay then. Are you hungry?”

“Not really.”

“Me neither. Right, what say we watch a film until either we fall asleep or Teddy wakes up, then go to bed?”

“Sounds perfect Liebling.”

 

Half an hour later the pair of them lay slumped into each other on the sofa, the dogs sat on the floor the only ones actually watching the film while their masters rested behind them, fast asleep.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh btw as with so many random things in this story that I just take straight from life, the heart-shaped forest is real. Every time I pass it, as Seb and Mark do, I wonder... ♥


	238. Yo-yo

 

* * *

 

 

When Seb returned from Singapore they had a check-in visit from Rachel who in theory was now only coming around to be sure they were all happy, but Seb and Mark found themselves unable to stop themselves making certain the house looked immaculate before she arrived. Once she got there though, the meeting did feel rather more relaxed as she merely asked how Teddy was getting on and how they had enjoyed their summer. As Teddy crawled around the lounge floor they sat drinking coffee, the dogs shut away in the kitchen so they weren’t playing with him as they usually did.

“He’s certainly coming on,” complimented Rachel.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “I can hardly believe how big he is now.”

As he crawled back over, Seb picked Teddy up and sat him on his knee to show her.

“Look another three teeth now.”

“Oh very good.”

“We think another’s coming through as well don’t we Liebling?”

Mark coughed a dry laugh, the amount Teddy had kept him up while Seb was away he certainly hoped that’s what it was.

“Yep, proper little chompers on him,” he agreed.

Teddy wriggled about so Seb set him back down again to let him crawl off to his toys.

“He doesn’t want to sit still.”

Rachel smiled.

“Full of energy. That’s a good thing.”

 

Seb and Mark exchanged a look. They’d been up since five with their son so they were rather hoping that energy would wear out and Teddy would have a decent nap soon.

“So then,” moved on Rachel. “Any other plans with Teddy?”

“Um.”

Sebastian paused, wondering what she meant. Other than the couple of races coming up that his family would be accompanying him to later in the season, Seb couldn’t think what they had to report Teddy would be doing. Mostly their days at home were much the same; early starts, messy feeds, playing, maybe a swim, walks with the dogs. He wondered what she was expecting of them, then remembered something.

“Oh well, um, we were thinking of maybe taking him to the baby group in the village.”

“Oh?”

Sebastian looked to Mark, hoping this was a good thing to be saying.

“Yes well the vicar at the christening put us in touch. It’s just a play thing in the village hall for little ones to help with their socialisation skills.”

“Ah well that sounds nice. I’m sure it would be good for him to make some little friends.”

Sebastian nodded. He was pretty sure they still had the email saved. In the back of his mind he had been meaning to see about it, but that had rather fallen by the wayside once the season started back up.

 

When they showed Rachel out and waved her off Mark turned to Seb as they shut the door.

“Guess we’d better go to that baby thing now then.”

“Oh gosh Liebling I’m sorry. It just sort of popped out.”

Mark hitched Teddy up in his arms and gave him a smile.

“Nah, might as well see what it’s about. If it’s terrible we can always make our excuses and leave. Only in the village isn’t it?”

“Yeah okay. I’ll email.”

“Sure.”

“If we find out when it’s on we can go before I leave for KL.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah you’d better come and hold my hand darling. I’m not facing all those yummy mummies on my own.”

“Yummy mummies.” Seb rolled his eyes. “How d’you know what they’re like?”

Mark shrugged.

“I don’t. But I wouldn't be surprised if it’s the same mob who fill up the coffee shop before we get there.”

“I’m sure they’re very nice. Anyway, Rachel’s right; it’d be good for Teddy to make some friends.”

Mark smiled thinking that at not yet nine months their son wasn’t going to have a lot of conversation with his new pals, but seeing as the only other child he had really interacted with was his cousin every couple of months, mixing with other kids might be no bad thing.

“Gets us out of the house at any rate,” he agreed, knowing they would only feel guilty if they didn’t go now. How bad could it be? They were racing drivers. If driving at 200 miles per hour didn’t scare them, what challenge was a bunch of mums in a church hall? At least Seb would be with him…

 

 

A few days later they parked up the car in front of the church hall in the village and lifted Teddy out of his car-seat. Now that they had told Rachel they were going it felt as though they had to at least email about it and the reply from the group organiser had been welcoming so all they could really do was affirm they would come along. So now here they were, stood looking at the double doors leading inside with an A-frame stand propped there announcing that the baby and toddler group was on this afternoon from 2pm ‘All welcome, £2 contribution optional’.

Mark smiled held Teddy in one arm so he could offer a hand to Seb.

“Time to be brave,” he teased, though in truth both of them were rather nervous.

Sebastian hitched Teddy’s baby-bag up on his shoulder, then took Mark’s hand before they walked over, him opening the door so they could enter. They passed though a little lobby where the bathroom doors faced out, a notice board on the other side chock full of posters announcing various village events through the autumn. Seb glanced over, wondering in passing what on earth a ‘Bring and buy sale’ was. Then he took a deep breath, set his shoulders back to look confident and pushed open the next set of doors for them to enter what was clearly the main hall in front of them.

 

Though it was just on 2pm due to the fact that they had been all ready to set off when Teddy had announced he needed a nappy change, thus causing a small but essential delay, it seemed most people were here already. There weren’t all that many cars parked outside, but seeing as many people could easily walk from their homes in the village, Mark and Seb weren’t that surprised that the large room was quite busy, any number of prams and pushchairs parked up to the left-hand side of the door.

What _did_ throw them was the way the moment they entered everybody stopped and turned to look at them as if it was a scene in one of those old westerns where the new guy in town walks into the saloon and everybody freezes and stares. There wasn’t complete silence here of course. Most of the adults had stopped talking to gawp at them, but the space was filled with noisy babies and toddlers, crawling, running and playing with toys strewn on the polished parquet floor. One toddler was currently rampaging with a block trolley, shouting as loudly as he could whilst running up and down before tipping all the plastic cubes out and laughing as he pushed the little wooden trolley into the mess he’d made.

Sebastian and Mark weren’t really looking at the children though. They had stopped just inside the doorway feeling frozen as all the adults looked at them. _All_ the adults were female, about sixteen or so mums presumably, though Mark clocked one who he guessed might be a grandmother though he wouldn't dare say so, just in case he was wrong. The quiet only lasted a few seconds, though it felt like an eternity before there was a distinct flurry of whispers between the mums who all seemed to know each other.

 

Mark thought that if he had been on his own he might well have turned on the spot and fled, but Seb gripped his hand and Mark reminded himself to be brave for his sake and Teddy in his arms. Their son deserved to do normal things, even if his parents weren’t perhaps the perceived ‘normal’ family. In the past couple of days Seb had read plenty on how important it was for Teddy’s development to do new things and to interact with other children and naturally he had reported it all to Mark who had to accept that was the received wisdom, even if their son did seem fine as he was.

Moments later a woman came over to them and the noise in the hall returned to what was no doubt the normal level of hubbub, the odd child crying, laughter, at least half a dozen little ones all calling for ‘Mamma’ or ‘Mummy’ at the same time, demanding attention from their chatting mothers. As she reached them the woman hitched the baby in her arms to one side and offered out a hand.

“Hi, I’m Louise. I’m guessing you’re Seb and Mark?”

Sebastian shook her hand and smiled with more than a little relief.

“Oh, yes, we emailed.”

“Yes. So glad you’ve come. And this is Teddy?”

Mark held Teddy so he was by the other baby and nodded.

“Yep. Say hi Teddy.”

“This is my Archie. He’s six months now. How old is your little one?”

“Getting on for nine months,” replied Mark. “Dunno where the time goes.”

“Oh you’re so right, my older boy Freddie is four now. He just started Reception. Only feels like five minutes since I was bringing him here and now he’s in school. I just used to come, but somehow I’ve wound up running things for my sins. Not that there’s a whole lot to run, we just organise setting up and tidying away really, the church puts on teas and coffees. Would you like one?”

Seb and Mark had merely stood by letting her talk. She seemed friendly though, so that was something. All they could really do was nod, so she led them over to a long trestle table with tea and coffee in large pots accompanied by plates of biscuits along with rows of set out white mugs and everything else they needed.

“So it’s really all very relaxed,” she declared, trying to pour them drinks one handed before Seb intervened and did it for her. “Just a chance to chat and for the little ones to play and let off some steam. We do a few group things later and well, that’s about it really. To be honest half of it’s just an excuse to get out of the house and see other people, especially if you’re a full-time mum.” She looked at the pair of them and hurried; “or dad.”

 

Mark smiled and nodded.

“That’d be me. Actually I was only saying that the other day wasn’t I sweetheart?”

“Oh, um yes,” confirmed Seb. “Mark’s taking a year out to look after Teddy you see.”

“Ah, yes very good.”

“I’m home quite a bit though.”

“Aren’t you lucky? So nice you could both come.”

“It is okay that we both came isn’t it?” checked Seb.

“Of course it is, it’s lovely to see fathers getting involved. Though I suppose you’re both… well…”

There was an awkward pause as she trailed off, unsure what the right thing to say was.

“Yes we’re both Teddy’s fathers,” Mark stated plainly.

“Of course, yes.”

“Mark’s Daddy and I’m Papa,” explained Seb.

The woman smiled, clearly a little relieved not to have upset them by making a hamfisted remark when she’d come over intending to welcome them.

“Well that’s really very sweet. He looks a happy little chappy.”

“Ha,” laughed Mark. “He is today. Best behaviour isn’t it bud? Think you’re happy Papa’s home aren’t you?”

Sebastian glanced to Mark.

“I have to be away a bit for work you see,” he explained, “but um, Mark can still come if I’m working.”

 

Mark tried not to laugh that Seb had just volunteered his commitment to keep attending, but he knew Seb was just trying to keep the somewhat awkward conversation going or they would be left stood on their own again feeling self-conscious. As it was they could still sense a slight buzz in the room and see looks coming their way. Sebastian was trying not to look back, instead making an effort to concentrate on the person speaking to them. Maybe it was nothing to do with who they were and just the novelty of seeing fathers in an all-mum environment? He hoped it wasn’t about the fact that he and Mark were a gay couple. Seb didn’t want to think of their son having to deal with a prejudice as a result of who his parents were.

 

The woman was still busily chatting on, asking them about their son as they sipped coffees, then she set her cup down and offered over a plate.

“Biscuit?”

Both Mark and Seb smiled and politely refused. It made Mark think though.

“Oh, we’ve not paid. Two pounds isn’t it?” he checked.

“Ah yes, well it’s optional but we just pop it in the jar.”

She nodded to a large glass jar on the table with a pile of pound coins and other change inside, so Mark handed Teddy over to Seb so he could dig out his wallet.

“So is that times two for us both or just one for Teddy?” he asked.

“Oh, gosh um, I’ve not been asked that before,” realised the woman. “I’m sure one lot is fine.” She huffed a little laugh. “After all, you’re not having any biscuits.”

Mark smiled and nodded, but he dropped four pound coins into the jar without making a point of it. If it was optional according to ability to pay then he didn’t mind subsidising someone struggling by. As they finished their drinks the woman took the used cups and nipped through an open door to the side leading into a kitchen. As she returned she looked out to the room.

“Now then, shall I introduce you around a bit or would you like a sit down so Teddy can play?”

“Nah, be good to meet folks,” assured Mark with what sounded like complete confidence.

 

The smiled as they were taken around and introduced to most of the mothers in attendance, using all their experience of years working rooms of sponsors at events to appear at ease and be friendly with complete strangers. They hadn’t a hope of remembering all the names offered, particularly when they were accompanied by a baby or toddler and in at least two cases, both. After ten minutes or so the group leader took pity on them and they sat down on a rug on the floor with Teddy and little Archie, the two little boys still eyeing one another curiously as their parents found them toys to play with.

“Thanks so much,” said Sebastian as the babies settled down, Teddy thankfully not choosing to crawl off for once.

“Yes cheers,” Mark added, “bit of a new experience for us this.”

Louise smiled at them.

“I’m sure, but really we don’t bite.”

The other two laughed, then she leaned in a little past her son.

“Actually we did have a little girl here who did have a nasty habit of biting children who tried to take her toys, but she finished this summer when she started nursery.”

“Small mercies,” smiled Mark.

“Mm, she wasn’t making herself too popular,” agreed Louise. “Anyway I’m sure you’ll settle in.”

“Thanks.”

“Speaking of nurseries and the like, did you know the school has one?”

“Yes we know,” replied Seb.

“Oh sorry.”

“No no, I just meant, we hope Teddy will go there.”

“Oh I see, so will he be going to the school here in the village?”

“We hope so, don’t we Liebling?”

“Yep,” agreed Mark. “Not that we’ve put in a lot of planning or anything, but that’s the general idea.”

 

The woman smiled and nodded and they wondered if she had been expecting them to send their son to some posh private school. Definitely not their style, thought Mark.

“Ah that’s great, well they’ll be in the same class then,” she continued. “That’ll be nice.”

“We thought it would be nice if Teddy had some friends before he went,” stated Seb.

“Of course, well I’m sure they will be. Won’t you Archie?” prompted Louise to her son who promptly reached and prodded Teddy in the face.

Seb resisted the urge to pull his son away and they watched as Teddy frowned, then patted the other baby’s face, all of them observing to see how they reacted and only relaxing when neither boy burst into tears or fought over the selection of toys. As they both began bashing a musical toy’s buttons with their little hands, the parents sat back a bit and let them get on with it.

 

After another twenty minutes Louise excused herself, scooping up her son to go and organise a few things before some music started up and she called everyone to bring the children to sit in a circle to play a few games mostly involving bopping a balloon around or clapping to some music which Teddy delighted in. Sebastian tried not to laugh at the sight of Mark singing along with some nursery rhymes when he knew that whilst he was happy to do this with their son at home, Mark was mortified to have to do so in public.

It was much less embarrassing when you were holding your baby in you lap, helping them clap in time to the tune. When you were the parent sat on your own to the side it felt so strange that Mark seriously thought about offering to hold one of the infants with a mother coping with two little ones, less to help her out and more so he didn’t feel such a pillock singing and clapping along to ‘Three Blind Mice’ whilst sat cross-legged on the floor.

 

They got through it though and as both of them knew the main thing was that Teddy seemed to enjoy the experience, it wasn’t too hard to put their own feelings to one side. As the games part finished the meeting began to break up, older toddlers having a last play whilst all the adults tidied up and those with babies tended to make sharper exits. Louise was busy sorting things out so they helped put some things away and waited to nip in to thank her then said a few general goodbyes before taking their leave.

 

As they put Teddy back into the car and climbed in themselves they waited until the doors were shut before turning to one another.

“Well that wasn’t so bad,” allowed Mark.

Sebastian laughed and looked back at Teddy.

“I think he had fun.”

“Yeah, well I can live with feeling a total berk playing clappy hands whilst singing out of tune as long as he’s happy.”

Sebastian smiled and leaned over to kiss Mark’s cheek.

“You’re a very good daddy.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“She was nice, the woman that runs it.”

“Yes she was very kind looking after us.”

“What was her name?”

“Louise.”

Mark chuckled.

“I knew you’d know. I forgot and you can’t ask again can you?”

“I guess. And her little boy was Archie.”

“Gotcha. Well there we go.”

“I wonder if the vicar asked her to keep an eye on us,” mused Seb.

“Keep an eye?”

“Well, watch if we came and help out a bit.”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno, no harm if she did.”

“No it’s nice. I just wondered. Maybe that’s just how she is.”

“Probably why she’s ended up running things,” commented Mark. “Anyway, it’s all good.”

“Yeah. Home then?”

“Yep. They may be friendly but the coffee’s awful. I can’t stand instant.”

Sebastian laughed and started the engine.

“I’ll make us some nice coffee at home Liebling.”

 

He pulled out of the car-park, smiling to see a succession of pushchairs going along the lane back into the centre of the village as they drove the other way.

“Do you think I could bring my own coffee next time?” suggested Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Liebling. Enduring horrible coffee is the price you pay.”

“Not the two quid?”

“Nope.”

“Ah well, I’ll survive.”

“You can always have tea.”

“A far better plan darling.”

“So you will go when I’m away?” checked Seb.

Mark looked at Teddy in the mirrors. He’d really been very good; no wailing the house down or squabbling over toys when he wasn’t used to sharing. What did putting up with Nescafé matter? If Teddy could be better at socialising, Mark could.

“Sure I’ll go again. Teddy can look after me.”

Sebastian smiled, though in truth he was just a little relieved that it would be Mark going on his own, not him.

 

 

 

All too soon Seb was gone again and Mark was home alone with Teddy. To cap it off, that little tooth he’d suspected was coming did indeed begin to force its way through and the baby was howling at the pain in his gum, Mark up all night trying to comfort him.

The only upside was that Mark had been planning to be up through the night into Friday anyway so he could watch Sebastian running in FP1 and 2. So he brought the baby downstairs, watching the TV in the lounge whilst standing jigging Teddy up and down, wearing a path in the carpet as he aimlessly traipsed back and forth hushing him. Countless frozen gum rings, Calpol, and his father's patient presence eventually soothed the baby off to sleep just in time for the dawn coming up and the start of second practice.

Mark sighed and settled Teddy to lie in his arms as he rested into the back of the sofa, turning the volume down a little so he wasn’t disturbed. Thankfully Teddy seemed to find the sound of engines restful and slept throughout, his father relieved that their son’s other father was having a straight-forward session with nothing to upset them.

 

He waited for Seb to call afterwards, a worn out Teddy still in his arms. Mark knew he could have put him down in his cot, but somehow he preferred to hold onto him seeing as he was up anyway and he knew Seb was concerned and would be glad to see him at peace before he got on with the rest of his work. Twenty minutes after FP2 had finished he was still in place on the sofa, now balancing Teddy in one arm on his lap and holding the phone in his spare hand so Seb could see him.

“So he’s fine now,” assured Mark.

“Yeah okay. How are you?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Knackered.”

“Oh Liebling, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m gonna put him down after this and get some kip.”

“Good.”

“Still call me before you go to bed though, yeah?” requested Mark.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to wake you.”

“Yeah. I doubt I’ll get that long off anyway.”

Sebastian paused, trying to work out what the time difference made it. Eight hours ahead here, so…

“Probably early afternoon your end,” suggested Seb.

“Right so that’s fine. He might even have his afternoon nap if I’m very lucky.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I hope so Liebling. I love you.”

Mark smiled back.

“Me too darling. You did good today. Teddy’s fine now. Reckon that little toothy-peg’ll pop through soon and we’ll be right again.”

“Okay.”

Mark cocked an ear. It was nearly nine am now, so the sound of a car approaching generally only meant one thing.

“Think that’s Pauline,” he announced.

“Oh right. Well you will ask her to babysit while you get a rest won’t you?” pressed Sebastian.

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I think this little guy’s in need of a rest too, but I’ll have a word before I put us both down for a nap.”

“Alright, well we’ll speak later.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian hung up. He couldn't help feeling bad for Mark, but the terrible truth was it did make things easier them not being here right now. He could concentrate on work and get decent sleep at night. Seb felt guilty about it, but it wasn’t enough to keep him awake all night as a teething baby would. Poor Mark, he’d have to make it up to him somehow.

 

 

It was of course sod’s law thought Mark that by the time Sebastian got home from Kuala Lumpur, Teddy’s new tooth had crowned and he was getting back to his usual happy self. When he actually walked through the door it was in the early hours of Monday morning. Seb tiptoed up the stairs, used the bathroom, then went to carefully ease open the nursery door to see his son fast asleep in his cot, the night-light casting a soft glow over him.

“I hope your daddy’s asleep too Teddybär,” whispered Seb.

He silently shut the door then went to his own bedroom, fetching his bags from where he’d left them on the landing to quietly place in a corner to deal with later. Then he quietly undressed and attempted to climb into bed without waking his husband. Mark took in a deeper breath as Sebastian sidled up to him under the duvet, then he let out a little noise and turned over, his sleepy brain expecting crying from the monitor, but it wasn’t that. It was something more immediate, a body next to him, a hand sliding over his chest. His eyes flickered open and even in the almost complete dark, Mark could tell Seb was smiling.

“Hello Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh and put his arms around him as Seb pressed in a kiss.

“Mm, now that’s a nicer thing to wake me.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I was trying to be stealthy.”

Mark laughed again. His husband's naked body pressed up against his own. Definitely not complaining about that. He reached up a hand to stroke through Seb’s hair, then left it resting by the side of his face. Seb looked so happy. Mark took in deep breath, loving how Seb’s body moved with his.

“You did great darling.”

“Thanks. I don’t think I could have got more than second.”

“Second was amazing. Storming comeback at the end there.”

 

Sebastian just smiled happily. He had missed getting the hug he longed for after the race. A phone-call, even Facetiming, wasn’t the same, but he had this now. Dashing for his flight from the circuit, flying half-way round the world, arriving back in the dead of night. All worth it for this.

“I’m so glad I’m home.”

Mark chuckled.

“Me too darling.”

He moved his hand to stroke down Seb’s side.

“Did you sleep on the flight?”

“Yeah. My brain’s all over the place with times, but yeah,” Seb confirmed. “What about you?”

“Ah Teddy and I had a bit of a napfest today. He’s feeling much better.”

“Good. Are you feeling better too?”

“Much better. All good now you’re home.”

 

Sebastian beamed in the darkness and Mark smiled at the way he stretched out his body like a cat pleased with itself. God it felt good. He leaned in to kiss Sebastian again, all the latent tiredness from a rough weekend disappearing from his mind as they lost themselves in it and each other. Before they knew it Mark was lying on top of Seb, their bodies moving together. Seb’s breath caught as he felt how hard Mark was getting.

“Are you tired?” checked Mark.

“Hmm? Me?”

“Yeah.”

“No.” Sebastian lifted his head to kiss him. “Not tired Liebling. Not if you’re not.”

Mark smiled and kissed him again before sending his hand to the bedside drawer. There were definite advantages to being woken in the night sometimes.

 

 

 

 

October was certainly proving tough as they had anticipated. Just days after getting home Seb was jetting off back to the eastern side of the world again for the third race in as many weeks, but this time he had his family with him. It might not have been the most logical decision for them all to trek out to Japan, but the positive association Seb and Mark held with the place had swayed them despite the fact they had no plans to make a trip to Tokyo as they had in the past.

They had more than enough on their plate getting Teddy flown out there and dealing with existing as a family at the track to fit in any tourism. Not that they weren’t taken care of. The staff at the hotel were thrilled to see Teddy, fussing over him and only to happy to provide anything the Vettel-Webbers requested, no matter what time it was asked. The fair and decidedly bonny baby attracted plenty of attention elsewhere as well. With ever more of that light-blonde hair and big blue eyes, young Teddy proved all too visible in Japan. Everywhere they went, stares followed them and fans in the paddock couldn't seem to stop themselves rushing over to peer at him. On the first day they had brought him in the pushchair, but this was a mistake.

Now that he had no pram sunshade cover protecting him, their son was exposed, even though they kept the seat facing them as they pushed so they could keep an eye on him. The enthusiasm of fans proved too much unfortunately when one lady rushed forwards as they walked through the busy paddock and actually reached down to pinch his cheek, all the while talking in rapid excited Japanese that neither Mark nor Seb could understand. They were pretty sure that all it amounted to was; ‘Oh what a beautiful baby!’ and it was clear she meant no harm, but it unsettled both of them and Teddy who immediately started bawling. The woman stepped back, now saying something apologetic, but Seb and Mark were too busy whipping their son out of his buggy.

As Mark held Teddy in close, rubbing over his back to calm him, the woman pulled at Seb’s arm, saying something along the lines that she hadn’t meant to upset him and she was very sorry. That was Seb’s guess anyway. He didn’t want trouble, so he merely nodded, hoping she would leave them alone. Then he started pushing the buggy alongside Mark as they hurried to the RedBull base before stopping inside to catch their breath.

“Oh my god,” sighed Seb.

“He’s alright,” Mark assured, shifting Teddy slightly in his arms so they could both see that he had stopped crying. “Bloomin heck.”

“I didn’t think there would be so many people here this early.”

“No. Well…”

“They’re just so keen here.”

“Mm.”

“I’m sorry Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“Not your fault.”

“I don’t think she meant anything by it.”

“No.”

Mark took in a deep breath. It was really no different a reaction to Teddy than he got in the coffee shop sometimes in the village, but it had felt too frantic out there. He looked to Seb, knowing how such situations could upset him.

“It’s fine darling. She was just excited to see him. Teddy’s fine. Just too popular aren’t you kiddo?”

“Dada.”

“Yeah I know mate. Little ladykiller aren’tcha?”

Sebastian sighed heavily.

“We’ll come earlier tomorrow.”

“Sure. C’mon, let’s got to your room and just have a moment.”

Seb nodded and found a place to leave the pushchair before hauling all the bags off it so they could go hide out in the peaceful isolation of his room at the base. At least he hadn’t spotted anyone sneaking a picture of their son. Maybe he should re-mention that to Britta for them to watch out for?

 

 

The next day they arrived even earlier at the track. There were still some fans lurking around the paddock entrance, but this time Mark held Teddy in close while Sebastian pushed the buggy loaded up with their bags. They had deliberately dressed their son in a little hoody, the hood pulled up as Teddy rested his cheek into Mark’s shoulder. Seb didn’t think anyone would dare to invade Mark’s personal space to get close to their son and so it proved. They bypassed the small crowd at the gate, Seb letting the security guard manoeuvre the pushchair inside and Seb signed a few autographs while Mark went through with Teddy, safely out of the way.

Once into the paddock they kept up their pace. This early there were fewer fans inside and more team personnel just going about their work. The F1 paddock no longer seemed to regard their family as particularly exciting now that the novelty had worn off, so by avoiding slowing or making eye-contact with any fans who were about they could make it safely to the base unmolested.

“I guess I won’t be visiting you in the garage later,” commented Mark as they arrived in Seb’s room.

Sebastian paused.

“You could later. Much later, after we’ve done the debrief this afternoon.”

“Mm. I’ll see. I think it might rain.”

Seb glanced out of the little window and nodded. A wet race in Suzuka was on the cards, not for the first time. Same for everyone though. That wasn’t what concerned him. Seb was more worried about his family. He didn’t like the way Mark got trapped in the base during race weekends. They’d arrived at the crack of dawn today and it would be a long day for Mark with Teddy in here. Surely a trip to the garage to say hello would at least break things up and provide a bit of interest? Maybe they could think of something.

 

 

A couple of hours later Sebastian stood around in the garage chatting to his mechanics after FP2. The rain was pouring beyond the garage entrance and they hadn’t got a lot of decent running in, so there was a lot to discuss in terms of set up for quali the next day. As Big Nige passed by carrying in some heavy equipment to dry off from the pitlane, Seb took in his hefty figure and the dripping rainjacket he was wearing. A thought occurred to him and Seb excused himself from the conversation to go after him, waiting until Nigel had put down his burden and was drying it off.

“Um, Nige, weird question, but have you got a spare jacket?” enquired Seb.

“Huh?”

Sebastian crouched down and handed him another pile of paper towels.

“I was just wondering if you had a spare team raincoat.”

“Oh right, have you forgotten yours?”

“Um, no I was thinking for Mark.”

“Ah right, well, I’ve just got this one here but I’ve a spare at the base. I’m sure if you asked the team they could scare one up for him.”

“Mm, see I was thinking one in your size.”

“For Mark?” frowned Nigel thinking that whilst tall, their former driver was very slim compared to his own undoubtedly bulky shape.

“Yeah. Would you mind if we borrowed your spare? Only if you aren’t using it.”

“Um no I’m fine with this. It’ll dry while I get some lunch. I can find the other for you.”

“Oh no I’ll ask. It’ll just be in with kit right?”

“I presume so.”

“So you don’t mind?”

“No, go ahead.”

“Right, cheers Nige.”

Nigel frowned as Sebastian walked away smiling, then he shrugged and went on drying the equipment. If Mark wanted to borrow his spare rain jacket he was welcome to it. Maybe no one else was quite so tall in the team?

“Ours is not to reason why,” muttered Nigel to himself before gathering up the damp paper towels to chuck in the bin.

 

 

A little later on Mark crossed the paddock in the still pouring rain, his form wider than usual under the borrowed navy team raincoat. He had the hood up so it wasn’t so easy to see his face, but if you got closer you might have spotted that one arm of the coat was tucked into the pocket and was actually empty. The coat was done up at the front, but not quite to the top, because there poked out a little head, covered by a hoody with an over-sized RedBull cap on top of that. Mark angled his head to see that Teddy was safely pressed into him, that round little cheek crushed into his chest protected from the incessant rain.

He got a few funny looks from people sheltered under their umbrellas hurrying about the paddock, but by the time they had worked out that there was something odd there, Mark had swept on past, reaching the back of the garage and stepping inside before he unzipped his borrowed coat and more easily hitched his son up with two hands.

“There we go bud, safe and sound,” declared Mark as he removed their head-coverings so they could see each other properly. “Let’s go see how Papa’s getting on with his work.”

“Papa.”

“Yeah. C’mon then.”

He stepped though into the main garage, saying hello to a few of his old colleagues before Sebastian spotted them and rushed over.

“Did it work?”

“Yep. Super stealthy. We were like ninjas through the paddock weren’t we kiddo?”

Sebastian beamed and accepted Teddy as the baby held out his arms to him. Mark saw the way Seb relaxed as he held their son.

“Kinda quieter out there now anyway,” he assured. “Still some die-hards about, but we were fine.”

“I’m so glad. I thought of Jess you see, like in Monaco.”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark, thinking Seb had said so before when he had suggested this. “Ah well, weather aside it’s nice to get out. What’s the score then?”

“Do you want to see?”

“Yep. We’ve come to look at Papa’s car haven’t we Teddy?”

 

Sebastian took them over, Mark getting the chance to thank Nigel who laughed at the sight of him swamped in the enormous raincoat that in their case easily accommodated two. From the pitwall on the other side of the pitlane Christian peered over through the blurry raincover affixed to the roof to shield all the electrical equipment. The team in the garage appeared to have paused their earlier industrious preparations and most were gathered to Sebastian’s side. Christian frowned, then laughed to himself.

“What is it?” asked Rocky.

“Ten to one that’s my godson causing chaos in the garage right now.”

Rocky lifted up a corner of the plastic raincover so they could see across and nodded.

“Yep. Mark too.”

Christian chuckled to himself thinking Teddy was unlikely to have wandered down on his own.

“Well we deserve a break,” he decided. “Gonna come say hello?”

“Sure.”

They hopped off their high stools and dashed across the wet concrete, Christian secretly hoping that Dr Marko was nowhere around.

 

 

Tricky though things were in the paddock, it turned out that was nothing compared to conditions on the track during the race on Sunday. The race which had started under safety-car, proved even more difficult when they got going properly and though Seb did his best to push on from a decent third place, his day was ruined when a lapped car skidded sideways into him and pushed him off track.

Though the accident occurred at a slower speed than it might have done in dry conditions, Mark watched on anxiously where he sat on the bed in Seb’s room at the base, flinching at the way Seb’s car bounced over the gravel and into the barriers.

“Oh god,” he let out, then quickly turned Teddy to face him, one eye on the screen waiting to hear or see from his husband, one eye looking at his son, a fake smile on his face to reassure him. “It’s okay darling, just a little bump. Papa’ll be fine. He’ll be fine.”

Teddy frowned and reached for his father's face, so Mark lifted him higher and held him in for a moment as he stared to see what was happening. Then moments later he sighed in relief as a radio message was played out.

“ _Idiot,_ he drove right into me!” complained Sebastian.

Mark huffed out a laugh that didn’t match the fury in his husband's voice. Angry Seb meant he was actually completely fine, physically anyway, even if his car wasn’t. Where it was nosed into the tyre barrier Seb’s front wing sat at a wild angle, clearly broken. There was no point seeing if the marshals could dig him out of the gravel, Seb’s day was done.

Sebastian was tempted to let off more steam via the radio, but there was no point. He thought about Mark and Teddy and the rest of his family watching and sighed.

“I’m fine, but the car’s stuffed. Sorry guys.”

Then as the orange-clad marshals rushed in Seb made sure everything was switched off and undid his belts to climb out. He pointed to a few things to try to explain how they should move his car without causing further damage, then turned to look for a camera so he could wave.

 

“See darling, there’s Papa waving,” stated Mark, turning the baby around to look at the TV again.

“Papa.”

“Yeah, he’s fine. Think he’s coming to see us a bit sooner than he planned, but never mind.”

Mark puffed out a long breath as they watched Seb get the other side of the fence and find a ride back to the pits. He had every right to be annoyed and Mark sympathised with the frustration Seb felt, but he wasn’t hurt and that was the main thing. At least he hoped Seb wasn’t hurt. Mark frowned and turned Teddy away from the screen again as they started showing replays of the accident now they knew he was safe. Annoyingly the lower placed driver was still in the race having knocked Sebastian out, but Mark was more concerned at seeing on replays the way Seb’s car had reverberated as it came to a halt against the barrier.

 

 

Thankfully he didn’t have long to wait before Seb was back with them. Soaked to the skin in his racesuit, Britta had sent him to change before putting him before the media, no doubt hoping a little time with his family would put him in a more even temper before he spoke to the press. As soon as the door opened Mark leapt up off the bed and brought Teddy over.

“Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“He totally nerfed you off,” sympathised Mark. “Nothing you could do.”

“No.” Seb puffed a breath and looked to Teddy. “It’s alright Kleiner.”

Teddy reached out his arms, but Seb looked down at his drenched clothes and shook his head.

“I need to get a shower.”

 

Mark nodded and sat out of the way to allow him to strip his wet things off, finding a toy to entertain Teddy while they waited for Seb to shower and dress in dry jeans and team shirt. As he came to sit with them Sebastian watched Teddy playing on the bed then picked him up to sit on his knee.

“I need to go in a sec.”

“Yeah.” Mark put his arm around him. “Are you really okay?”

Seb huffed, then shrugged a shoulder.

“Mostly annoyed. Wet race. Opportunities. You know.”

“Yeah.”

“I dunno. Maybe I could have done more to avoid him?”

Mark shook his head.

“Not your fault sweetheart.”

“I guess.”

Mark nodded up to the television screen.

“While you were in the shower he DNF’d.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“Doesn’t help me much.”

“No, but, you know, karma.”

“Hmm.”

“I know it’s annoying.”

“Yeah. Oh well. I’m glad you’re here Liebling.”

“Me too, very much.”

Seb looked at him and nodded, knowing how Mark would have hated seeing him crash and how much worse it would have been if he had been on the other side of the world.

“I’m really fine Liebling.”

“Okay.”

“I might have bruised my upper arm a bit.”

Mark moved away enough so he could push Seb’s t-shirt sleeve up to examine him. There was a pink patch in evidence where Seb had presumably banged into the side of the car-seat despite the straps holding him tightly in.

“How’s your neck?” he enquired.

Sebastian tentatively moved it from side to side.

“A little stiff.”

“Hmm.”

“I’m okay. Just a bump. We weren’t at full speed.”

“No, well…” Mark paused. “Sweetheart will you let Doc Phillips look you over?”

 

Sebastian opened his mouth to protest that the track doctor had seen him as soon as he climbed out of the car, but it was only a brief check and though he felt fine, it wasn’t fair to let Mark worry.

“Yeah okay.”

“Thank you.”

Mark leaned in and kissed his cheek.

“I need to go to the pen first, then I’ll see the doc, okay?” offered Seb.

Tempting as it was to insist it should be the other way around, Mark nodded, knowing how things worked. No point fussing when Seb really did seem okay.

 

A couple of hours later they sat on their plane heading home. After screaming throughout take-off Teddy had calmed down and they sat watching Toy Story 2 on the large screen, Teddy on Mark’s knee now quietly transfixed by all the bright colours. Mark had his arm gently around Seb leaning into his side. They were lucky in a way that the bruised arm was his left one and thus to the outside seeing as Suzuka ran clockwise. Sebastian had an icepack tucked inside his t-shirt sleeve and though his neck ached a little, it felt better to rest his head on Mark’s shoulder. Ten days at home would see him right. Seb closed his eyes, opening them again as Mark kissed his forehead before smiling and closing them again.

 

 

 

 

A fortnight later they were out in Austin, where things turned out to be surprisingly easy. They went out to eat on the Thursday night and the little restaurant near their hotel couldn't have been more accommodating which was reassuring. They knew that not everyone over there would approve of them as a family, but that actually made Mark want to be with Seb all the more, even if they’d never encountered any more trouble after the first time a couple of years ago. As things turned out though, in Austin itself they were welcomed, though Sebastian suspected despite the efforts of the circuit and F1 overall to raise drivers’ profiles in America, most people they met in the city itself had no idea who they were. That they were treated well despite that, Seb actually counted as a positive.

At the track itself, the facilities were great. The only issue was the usual waiting around for Mark while Seb finished up working, but that was just how it went. In complete contrast to Japan, the weather was clear and bright, and though Seb had a few close shaves during the race, he finished on the podium without a scratch. So they had plenty to celebrate in the end, even if that celebrating mostly took the form of going back to the hotel for an early night for Teddy whilst his parents cuddled up on the sofa in their room, half watching a film and giving rather more attention to each other.

The mutual attention was rather more focussed due to the fact that Seb was going to be racing in down to Mexico next, whilst Mark was taking Teddy home, back across the Atlantic to the colder climes of England in late October.

When it came to it on the Tuesday Mark considered changing his mind, but Teddy was tired and bored with hanging around in motor-homes and Mark knew he really needed to be home again. So they agreed to stick with the original plan, flying south to drop off Sebastian before Mark made the overnight flight home again, feeling more alone as he sat with Seb’s empty seat beside him while Teddy slept. Mark wished he could sleep just the same but it didn’t feel right without his Seb tucked under his arm, leaning into him. He couldn't relax. Mark sighed and switched on the TV, keeping the volume low as he found a film to put on if only to pass the time.

 

 

 

By the time they slogged back to the house, Teddy was thoroughly confused as to what the time was and where they were. The driver had helped by bringing their things inside, clearly seeing how tired Mark was as he lifted the baby out of his seat where he had sat beside him in the back. As the last bag was deposited in the hallway Mark thanked the driver and gave him a good tip before closing the door and going on into the kitchen where he had shut the dogs to prevent them getting in the way.

Now he sat Teddy in his lap on the floor, letting Shadow and Simba fuss over them. Mark let out a long sigh as he looked up to the clock on the wall. Eleven am. Never mind Teddy being confused, Mark himself didn’t know whether he was coming or going. This was a crazy month. He hardly knew how Seb was coping, yo-yoing around the world exchanging countries and time-zones not only week to week, but even within a week.

Teddy ceased patting the dogs patiently nosing into him and turned to his father.

“Papa.”

Mark shook his head.

“No darling. Papa’s in Mexico.”

“Papa.”

“We’ll see him soon. A few days. Just a few days mate and he’ll be home with us.”

“ _Papa_.”

 

Mark closed his eyes. How did you explain to a baby not yet ten months old that this was their life? Partings and reunions, packing and unpacking, flights and timezones and managing being on the other side of the world from the person you loved while you worried about whether they might get hurt and how they were coping with the stresses and strains of it all.

“He’ll be home soon,” reassured Mark, already trying to work out when they could call Sebastian so they could at least see him.

He wondered what Teddy made of seeing his papa’s face on the small screen and on television and if it made sense to him. It was hard enough for a grown man to deal with. Mark stroked over Teddy’s cheek.

“We’ll give Papa a ring later darling.”

“Papa.”

“Yeah.”

Mark took a deep breath. Teddy didn’t understand. The way he kept asking for him was clawing at Mark though. He already missed his husband. Mark didn’t want to think of Teddy missing him too. He closed his eyes as he thought about that hug on the runway before Seb had left them and he and Teddy had got back on the plane, giving him a last wave from the doorway. They’d both smiled for Teddy’s sake, but it hurt. Maybe they should just have stayed with him?

 

Mark felt one of the dogs brushing into him and reopened his eyes. They at least were happy he was home. Mark sighed, feeling ridiculously a little tearful. He put another smile on his face for Teddy though.

“Right little man, let’s give you a bottle then go get a nap. I think I’m overtired even if you’re not.”

He forced himself to stand, then found the box they had packed the machine in and took it out to set in its usual place on the kitchen counter and started making up a bottle, letting Teddy have a crawl around on the kitchen floor playing with the dogs. He smiled a more genuine smile as he saw the note Pauline had left on the fridge door, then opened it to see that of course it was restocked with fresh provisions.

They had milk then. So Mark boiled the kettle to make tea, thinking a warm drink would settle him as well as his son. He leant against the table watching Teddy crawl about, laughing at the way Shadow nosed at him to get the baby to change direction. Then as the kettle boiled he brewed some tea and checked the bottle was nearly ready, taking it out to shake before testing it and turning back around.

“Right mate, milk’s up.”

Mark frowned as the tiled kitchen floor before him appeared empty. The dogs had gone to their baskets, but where was Teddy? He turned around, looked under the table, then over to the closed door, opening it in panic as he wondered if perhaps he _hadn’t_ shut it and Teddy had got into the hall, somehow closing it behind him. He wasn’t there though, not hidden amongst any of the bags dumped there and thank god Pauline had kept the baby-gate locked on the stairs so he couldn’t get up there to try crawling on the stairs and maybe falling.

“Teddy!”

Mark whirled around, his tired brain in a sudden frenzy. He pushed open the lounge door to look in there even though he knew it had been shut.

“Teddy?”

He rushed back into the kitchen, looking around frantically to see where Teddy could have crawled to. The gap by the washing machine was too narrow even for his small son to have squeezed between. He definitely wasn’t behind the door that was now open. The back door was _definitely_ closed and locked.

“Oh my god. Teddy? Teddy where are you?”

How could he have disappeared? Mark was sure he had only looked away for a few seconds. How could Teddy move anywhere that fast? He’d just been playing with the dogs. _The dogs._ Mark hurried over to their baskets and knelt down, his hand on his chest where he could feel his heart pounding.

“Oh _Teddy_.”

 

There, curled up in Simba’s basket, right next to Shadow’s and tucked between both dogs who wrapped themselves protectively either side, was his baby son, lying fast asleep on the dog blanket, his chubby round cheek placed on one hand while the other rested in Simba’s fur. Teddy’s little body moved with each slow breath, clearly entirely at peace where he was.

“Oh god,” sighed Mark. “Oh my god. You nearly gave me heart-failure.”

This time tears did leak out. Tears of relief that his son was safe. Tears that he’d been an idiot to take his eyes off him. Tears of exhaustion that explained all the rest. The two dogs were looking at Mark as if concerned why he was upset when they were of course looking after Teddy for him. He let out something close to a laugh and gave them a stroke.

“Thanks. I don’t think Seb would be too impressed though boys. You know baba has his own bed for sleeping in.”

He sighed again as he regarded his sleeping son. Teddy had obviously copied the dogs and crawled in with them. He actually looked pretty comfortable and Mark was sure in his heart that they would never do him any harm, but he wouldn't do there. He reached his hands under the baby and scooped him out, Teddy stirring as he did so.

“Papa?” murmured Teddy.

Mark held him in his arms as he had when his son was tiny.

“No darling. Daddy. You won’t do there mate. Come on pup, have a bit of milk then you can sleep in your cot.”

 

He stood, fetching the bottle to go on the table, then making himself a restoring cup of tea before sitting down to feed Teddy. Shadow and Simba padded out of their baskets to arrange themselves around his legs and Mark couldn't be cross with them. It was his fault. Teddy was just too mobile these days to be out of sight for even a second. Thank god he hadn’t found a way to hurt himself. Mark knew he had to be more vigilant. Why he hadn’t chosen to simply sit Teddy safely in his high-chair Mark had no idea. Too tired to think straight.

As Teddy held the bottle in his own hands Mark risked letting go a moment so he could take a sip of tea.

“I hope your papa has a sense of humour about this kiddo.”

Teddy merely drank his milk, his eyes still half closed. Mark knew he needed to close his own eyes then he might be able to smile about this later himself. The dogs loved Teddy. Teddy loved the dogs. He’d crawled in with them because he’d gone tired and wanted a comfy safe-feeling place to sleep. No harm done. Mark put down his tea and leaned in to kiss his son’s forehead.

“Try not to scare Daddy like that sweetheart. I’m in no state for it.”

 

Warm drinks then bed, definitely.

 

 

* * *

 


	239. Opposites Attract

 

* * *

 

 

After two races back travelling together it felt strange for Sebastian to be alone in Mexico. When he spoke to Mark though, in a way Seb was glad he had taken Teddy home. It didn’t take long to tell Mark was worn out when they spoke.

“I just…” Mark sighed. “It was so stupid of me to leave him to his own devices crawling on the floor.”

Sebastian shook his head. He didn’t much like the idea of their son going missing, and the dogs’ bed was definitely not the most hygienic place for a baby to sleep, but poor Mark sounded almost distraught when he’d told him what had happened and that only made Seb feel more guilty for leaving him to cope on his own. If their places had been reversed Seb was certain he would have flat-out panicked if Teddy had disappeared even for a few seconds.

“Oh Liebling I’m sure you only looked away for a moment,” Seb reassured.

“Mm.”

“I’ve done that. I put him down in the hotel room in Spa and he pulled that lamp down, remember?”

“I guess.”

“And that’s far worse. It could have hit him.”

“It didn’t though.”

“No and Teddy didn’t get lost or hurt now. It’s like you said, he was tired. I’m sure you are too Liebling.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“We’ve had proper naps now.”

“Yes but you had him on that long flight all on your own and with the time change too.”

“Yeah.”

“So don’t worry about it Liebling. He’s alright. That’s all that matters.”

“I’m just gonna have to make sure I put him in his chair or his bouncer.”

“Yeah well you’re going to need to at some point,” agreed Sebastian. “Especially when you’re all on your own.”

“Hmm.”

“I’ll be home as soon as I can after the race and then I can help.”

 

Mark smiled, knowing Seb always felt guilty at leaving so much to him.

“I know darling. Okay well, water under the bridge I guess.”

“Like in his game.”

“Hm?”

“With the sticks, like we played on holiday.”

“Oh I see. Yeah. Right, so apart from that, we’re fine.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Good. Don’t stress Liebling.”

“Thanks. Okay, well how’s things with you anyway?”

“Oh fine, the usual: just planning ahead with Britta to know what I’ll be doing.”

“Righto.”

“What about you?” enquired Sebastian.

“Ah well we’ve got ankle-biters anonymous tomorrow arvo.”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“Mark that’s not what it’s called.”

“AA meeting, see? Good, don’t you think?”

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head.

“Very good Liebling, so you’ll brave baby and toddler group on your own?”

“Yeah I think so. Teddy seems to like it and it’ll keep us busy and hopefully out of any more trouble.”

“Right, have fun then. Make sure you get some more naps in to catch up on yourself won’t you?”

 

Mark looked down at Teddy who was currently asleep in his arms.

“Think we might go for another one now. Poor kid, he’s all over the shop with times.”

“Yeah.”

“Me too a bit to be honest.”

“Mm. Go to bed Liebling, you look done in.”

“Cheers.”

“Sorry.”

“Nope you’re right. I’ll go put him down and get some kip, otherwise it’ll be me curling up with the dogs at this rate.”

“I love you.”

Mark smiled warmly.

“Love you too darling. So does Teddy. He was asking for you earlier.”

Seb couldn't stop himself pouting at that, but a guilty part of him was secretly just a little bit gratified his son missed him.

“Call me when he’s awake later.”

“Sure.”

“Bedtime maybe?” suggested Seb. “That’ll be my afternoon, so seven-thirtyish with you is lunchtime here.”

“Right you are then. Later.”

“Later. Love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart, bye.”

“Bye.”

 

They hung up and Seb dropped his phone down on his hotel bed. God he missed them. It was rubbish that with the time-difference they couldn’t make plans for to speak to Mark at Seb’s bedtime seeing as that would be the middle of the night in England. So there wasn’t much chance for that nice pillow-talk they sometimes shared, at least he could join in story-time and see Teddy off to sleep though. Sebastian smiled to himself thinking that then he could see their son was safely sleeping in his cot, not the dog baskets. He chuckled then sighed, thinking about poor Mark worrying. That could just have easily have been him. They made their little jokes about their son being the dogs’ puppy, but the truth was Seb suspected Shadow and Simba, and indeed Teddy, might think that was entirely the case.

 

 

 

Later Mark called as he was putting Teddy to bed while Seb had his lunch break at the track. As the image came on screen Seb smiled to see their son already changed into his cosy night babygro, Mark sat in the rocking chair in the nursery.

“Hello Lieblinge,” waved Sebastian.

Mark tipped Teddy a fraction higher to see the screen of the iPad he had set resting propped on the window ledge.

“Hello Papa,” Mark greeted on his son’s behalf.

Seb laughed as Teddy blinked a little in confusion and waved again.

“Here I am Teddybär.”

Mark helped Teddy wave, guessing that the small-screen version of his father was rather difficult to compute, especially after a long day.

“There we go. Now we’ve had our bath haven’t we Teddy? And we’re all ready for sleepy-bo-bos apart from a story with Papa.”

“What have we got tonight?” asked Seb.

“Tonight we have; ‘Can’t You Sleep Little Bear?’” announced Mark.

Sebastian beamed, knowing Mark had picked that because he had chosen it for their son on their last trip to the bookshop. Mark had joked that they could probably open their own bookshop the rate they were buying books for the nursery, but Seb didn’t care. He could never count books as spoiling Teddy.

“Right then,” decided Mark as he picked up the picture book ready to the side and arranged Teddy in one arm so he could see both the pictures and Seb. “Once there were two bears; big bear and little bear...”

Sebastian settled back on the bed in his room and listened, just as happy as their own little bear.

 

 

 

The following night they followed the same arrangement, Seb calling home in the early evening to catch Mark before Teddy went down for the night.

“So how did you get on?” asked Sebastian.

Mark laughed.

“Aren’t I meant to ask you that?”

“All I’m doing is prep with the team & media stuff today.”

“So it was okay?”

“Yeah it was fine. So, you then? How was the baby group on your own?”

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“Alright. I mean I survived to tell the tale, so can’t be that bad.”

Sebastian shook his head at Mark, peering in to Teddy already asleep in his arms.

“He looks worn out,” Seb observed.

“Yeah, sorry sweetheart he was half-asleep by the time I put him in his PJs, never mind staying up for storytime. I thought you’d want to see him though.”

Seb gazed at their sleeping son for a moment, then sighed.

“You should put him down Liebling.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s okay.”

“Okay,” agreed Mark. “Buzz you back in a mo.”

 

A few minutes later Sebastian’s phone rang again with Mark’s number so he quickly answered.

“Hey.”

“Hey sweetheart.”

“Are you in the lounge now?”

“Uh-huh. Thought I’d best not disturb him.”

“Course. Right, what were we talking about?”

“Me surviving the terrors of the yummy-mummy brigade in the church hall.”

“Oh so you think they’re yummy?”

“No, really sweetheart I just meant the name, you know, like as a group. I don’t mean…”

“I’m teasing Liebling.”

“Oh, okay, cos I promise you they’re really not my type,” assured Mark.

“What is your type?” queried Seb.

“You.”

Sebastian smiled, though he was very glad to hear it said so firmly.

“I’m a type?” he teased.

“No I mean I’m only interested in you. I don’t care about anyone else, not like that.”

“Well thank you Liebling, same.”

“Good.”

“I really was only teasing Liebling. So how did you get on really?”

 

Mark sat back, propping his elbow on the arm of the sofa to keep his arm in place holding the phone up so Seb could see him.

“It was okay. Still a bit nerve-wracking going in,” Mark admitted.

“On your own as well. Very brave Liebling,” praised Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh. Overtaking whilst racing up Eau Rouge at 200 miles an hour. That was the kind of bravery he was used to, but he couldn't deny walking into that church hall that afternoon without Seb beside him had taken more courage.

“Ah it was alright. I had Teddy to look after me.”

Seb laughed with him.

“That’s true.”

“And Archie’s mum rescued me a bit again.”

“Louise.”

“Right.”

 

Sebastian smiled at Mark’s priorities. He remembered the baby’s name, not the mother's. Hard to imagine anything to be jealous of there. Mark meanwhile was more impressed at how quickly Sebastian had come back with the name. He knew that Seb still had lurking anxieties remembering little details like that, but as far as Mark could tell, all it meant was that his husband made all the more effort to pay attention and learn those things.

“Anyway she eased me in a bit,” continued Mark. “She made me welcome and I guess it broke the ice a bit more and quite a few mums spoke to me in the end.”

“I’ll bet they did.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“You think I’m a novelty?”

“No no Liebling. I’m sure they were just being friendly.”

Sebastian wanted to laugh at the way Mark couldn't even imagine the stir he must have created in that group of women when he turned up alone. He wondered how many mentioned it to _their_ partners in conversation that night, or if they kept it to themselves that a man as good-looking as Mark was in their midst. Thankfully Mark was clearly utterly oblivious to how attractive he was, even to those who were never going to be on his radar.

 

“I’m sure they felt sorry for me,” went on Mark. “It’s weird really, quite a few seem amazed I’m a stay at home dad. There must be more of us out there.”

“I’m sure there are.”

“Just not in our church hall.”

“Oh well. Anyway you had a chat,” prompted Seb.

“Yep, we all had a good moan about teething and being kept up at night and all the rest of that, then Teddy and I went for a bit of a play with some of the other tinies in the safe place on the rug away from marauding toddlers.”

Sebastian laughed so Mark shook his head.

“Honestly, there was some kid on a trike taking no prisoners on his laps of the main floor and another kid was bumbling around in one of those Little Tyke cars and they came a right cropper at one point.”

“Oh dear. I hope you informed the stewards.”

“I called Charlie, but apparently he’s busy with some race in Mexico City.”

“Shocking,” agreed Seb. “Were they alright though?”

“Those kids? Oh yeah fine, screaming habdabs for a couple of minutes, then they were off playing again.”

“Imagine when our Teddy’s like that?”

“Pff, I’ll need more energy sweetheart.”

“I’ll help.”

“Course. Anyway not quite bedlam, but certainly lively.”

“Was it the same sort of numbers there?” enquired Seb.

“Ah well I didn’t count, but I’d guess roughly the same. So, Teddy had a play and a chat with his pals.”

“A chat?”

“In his way. He and Archie were having a good old natter from what I could tell.”

Seb smiled.

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah.”

“Guess it is good he’s going.”

“I’m sure it is,” concurred Mark. “Then after that we played pat-a-cake and stuff in circle time which he seems to enjoy, even if I do feel a complete pillock.”

“Aw.”

Mark shook his had at the teasing pout Seb was giving him.

“Don’t tell me you don’t feel a bit of a prat doing all that too?”

“No I do,” agreed Seb, “but only really if someone looks at me while I’m doing it. It’s fine with Teddy. I like seeing how much he enjoys it.”

“Yeah course I do too.”

“I know.”

 

Sebastian smiled at him and Mark frowned.

“What?”

“Just you Liebling. You’ll do anything for Teddy. I love that.”

Mark smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

“Course I would.”

“Mm. Kinda my point.”

“Anyway it was fine. I’m sure some of the other mothers must feel a bit silly too.”

“Ha, other mothers,” teased Seb.

“Ah you know what I mean.”

“I do. You’re my yummy-mummy.”

 

They both laughed at that, then Mark sighed.

“Oh dear, that sounds so wrong.”

“It really does,” agreed Seb. “I don’t know what the alternative is. Super-daddy?”

“Um.”

“Yeah maybe not. Well you’re still pretty super to me.”

“Ha, cheers sweetheart. Anyway I’m sure I’ll get more used to it and it’s good for Teddy isn’t it? Bit of socialisation and maybe make a few friends for when he goes to nursery and school.”

“Oh gosh, I can’t even think that far ahead.”

“Well I was already told twice today that we need to get his name down quick-smart for the village school.”

“You’re kidding?”

“Over-subscribed apparently. I mean not us doing anything now, but when the time comes.”

“You were getting the low-down then?”

“A bit yeah.”

“Well sounds like it’s a useful source of local information.”

“Guess so.”

“I promise I’ll come along any time I’m home.”

“Thanks, be far nicer with us both going.”

“Great, well, there we go then.”

 

They paused, thinking about Seb being home again. They were both looking forward to sharing a real hug, not the virtual ones they got by with while they were apart. Sebastian glanced at the time.

“I’ve got to go Liebling, I’m sorry.”

“Oh no that’s okay. Back to work?”

“Yep. Are you going to bed soon?”

“Um.”

“It’s okay,” assured Seb, not wanting Mark to feel he should offer to stay up. “By the time I’m done here it’ll be midnight with you. We can talk in the morning.”

“Are you sure?”

“Course.”

“Well…”

Mark paused. It was bad enough that they had to be so far apart, bringing the time-difference in to further complicate things was just cruel when it made staying in touch all the harder.

“I tell you what sweetheart if Teddy wakes up I’ll drop you a text, so if you’re free and not gone to bed yourself you can give me a buzz,” offered Mark.

“Alright,” Seb agreed, resolving to make sure his phone was in sight just in case the opportunity arose.

 

 

When Mark was woken by the monitor at two am and hauled himself out of bed to go see what the problem was, it took until he had changed his son’s nappy and was sat in the rocking chair soothing him back to sleep for him to remember his vow to Seb. He waited until Teddy had settled and put him back down in his cot with the mobile playing to send him off, then went back to the bedroom to find his phone to text his husband.

MARK: Hey. Brian’s too fried to work out the time w u but I’m up if yr free? xox

In his hotel room in Mexico Sebastian was lying on his bed watching something mindless on TV before his planned early night when his phone buzzed. He beamed as he saw who it was then laughed to himself and sent a quick reply before ringing.

SEB: Who is Brian? Should I be worried? ;)

 

Five and a half thousand miles away Mark frowned as he read the message, but before he had time to work it out, his phone rang so he answered it.

“Huh?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Brian. You said _Brian_. I’m guessing you meant brain. At least I hope you did.”

“Oh.” Mark shook his head. “Right. Okay well it’s two am darling, so you should be grateful I can text at all, never mind spell.”

“Damn you autocorrect.”

“Quite.”

“And I am by the way, very grateful you texted,” assured Seb.

Mark merely nodded, so Seb carried on.

“Is Teddy with you?”

“Nope, just a quick pitstop then back to bed, but I thought seeing as I was up I’d give you a buzz.”

“Of course, thanks.”

“That’s alright.”

Mark puffed a long breath so Seb shook his head.

“Oh Liebling you’re tired. It’s okay, you should go back to sleep.”

“Nah s’alright.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. Teddy got me up, not you.”

“I guess.”

“You can talk me back to sleep.”

“Ha.”

“I meant in a good way,” assured Mark.

“I know Liebling. Hang on. I’m gonna climb into bed too. One sec.”

 

Sebastian set his phone down to quickly pull his jeans off so he could at least lie in bed comfortably. While he did, Mark shuffled down in their bed at home before both of them resumed their conversation. Sebastian smiled as they looked at each other.

“It’s funny like this.”

“Is it?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder, one hand resting on the pillow holding his phone so they could see each other.

“Kinda. Good though. I’m glad you called.”

“What were you doing?” enquired Mark.

“Just watching TV. I found some brilliant local soaps.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. No idea what’s going on, but they’re very passionate about everything and everyone’s really overdressed for just hanging around the house shouting and crying a lot.”

Mark chuckled.

“Sounds fun.”

“Meh, you know. It’d be more fun if you were here. I’m kinda making up my own plots.”

“Gotcha.”

“It’s silly I know.”

“Nah why not?”

“I miss you when I’m on my own in the evening,” confessed Seb.

“So do I.”

“Yeah.”

 

They both sighed a little, but both knew there was no point wallowing.

“Just a few days,” reminded Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Then ten days at home, and after that we’re off to Brazil.”

“You’ll still come?”

“Course.”

“Thanks.”

Mark merely gave a shake of his head. Despite the team not staying in the same hotel as the year before, it still felt important for them to be together there.

“Nah it’s fine. It’s usually a pretty good race there, so at least we’ll have fun watching.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Will you be watching tomorrow?”

“Silly question.”

“Sorry.”

“No I’m teasing darling. Course I’ll be watching you. Teddy and I will catch FP1, I’ll give him his dinner and put him to bed, then I can concentrate on FP2 in the evening.”

“Okay.”

“And you just ring whenever.”

“Sure,” agreed Seb. “What else will you do?”

Mark puffed a long breath.

“Dunno. Weather's pretty poor so probably a swim. If it’s not torrential I might try taking the dogs out.”

“Taking Teddy?”

“Well I wouldn't just leave him on his own.”

“Ach no, I meant Pauline could watch him while you did that.”

“Oh I see, yeah maybe. I’ll see how we go. What about you then, still confident for tomorrow?”

“Think so.”

“Guess as usual you’ll just have to suck it and see,” suggested Mark.

 

Sebastian coughed and raised his eyebrows.

“I’ll have to _what?”_

Mark frowned, then realised how the phrase sounded.

“Ah, ha, no not like that. No it means, well, I guess it just means try it and see.”

“It sounds an entirely different activity.”

“Mm.”

The pair of them laughed, Seb’s cheeks bunching in the way Mark liked, amusement in those blue eyes so far away.

“Tell you what sweetheart I dare you to drop that into a media interview tomorrow,” he teased.

“Oh you’re on.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It does mean what you said, right?”

“No it does,” promised Mark. “Although I’ll struggle not to laugh if you say it.”

“So will I.”

“Excellent. Make sure you do it with British TV so I can see.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I’m gonna crack up now. You know, thinking…”

He arched a teasing eyebrow and Mark nodded.

“Exactly. So that’s the deal; you have to say it straight-faced.”

“And what do I win?”

Mark grinned.

“I’m sure I can think of something appropriate.”

“Oh?”

“Mm.”

“Okay now it’s gonna be even harder.”

Mark cracked up at the unfortunate choice of word and Seb followed as he realised what he had said.

“Oh dear. Okay well I’ll try Liebling.”

“Just think of the reward.”

“If I’m gonna manage it that’s the very last thing I need to think of.”

“Fair enough.” Mark huffed out a long breath. “Right sweetheart if you’ll forgive me I really am tired and someone's gonna be waking me up again in a few hours.”

“Brian.”

“Huh?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“It was a joke Liebling, like in your text.”

“Oh.”

“Never mind. You should get some sleep.”

“Hug?”

“Yes please.”

 

Despite them being on a Facetime call, they both closed their eyes to properly imagine the virtual hug they shared. It felt good, but both were sad to open their eyes and be reminded that they were actually in bed alone.

“Love you.”

“Love you too,” replied Seb. “And Teddy.”

“I’ll pass that on in the morning,” vowed Mark. “Night.”

“Night Liebling.”

They hung up, Seb rolling on his back to stare at the ceiling for a few minutes before sitting up to resume watching some rubbish TV before properly getting ready for bed. Five and a half thousand miles away Mark barely had time to put his phone to the side before his eyes slid shut and he was asleep.

 

 

 

The next morning Mark stood chatting to Pauline as she had a hold of Teddy while asking after Seb. Mark looked at the rain coming down outside as the dogs wound around their legs, seeking some attention too.

“Think I’ll take them out to burn off some energy,” Mark decided.

Pauline looked out of the window.

“It’s pretty miserable out.”

“Yeah I know, but still.”

“Do you want to leave Teddy with me?” offered Pauline.

Mark smiled at the way she immediately made the suggestion without prompting. He puffed a long breath, taking in both his son and the downpour out.

“Ah I dunno.”

“I don’t mind. I’m in no rush to get home.”

“Bless yer, I know. I was just thinking it might be good to get him out a bit.”

“As you like.”

“Tell you what, I doubt we’ll want to be out too long. If you’re really sure you’ve the time, would you mind looking after him if I had a quick spell in the gym after?”

“Course not.”

“Pauline you’re an angel.”

Pauline smiled at him, then directed that smile to the baby in her arms.

“You like having a little play with Auntie Pauline, don’t you?”

“Papa.”

Mark burst out laughing.

“Oh dear. Not quite kiddo. Sorry Pauline.”

“No no, I think that was a very good attempt. Auntie Pauline. Pau-line,” she emphasised as the baby watched her lips.

“Paupau.”

Pauline beamed.

“See? He’s really trying. Aren’t you? What a good boy.”

Mark nodded.

“Gotta get in good with your Auntie Pauline mate. Keep it up.”

He sent Pauline a wink, knowing she was thrilled at the baby making a closer effort at her name. Seb would be amused, but Mark suspected their mothers would be less so, though seeing as Teddy saw his Auntie Pauline pretty much every week-day so it was hardly surprising. Mark knew he’d better make an effort with teaching Teddy ‘Grandma’ or ‘Oma’ or something close to that seeing as they were getting nearer to Christmas.

“You alright with him a sec while I sort out our rain gear?” he checked.

“Course.”

 

 

Ten minutes later Mark was making his way along the rain-drenched lane, the dog’ leads tied to the handle of the pushchair so they could trot alongside. Teddy was safely ensconced in his buggy seat, sheltered beneath the rain cover whilst Mark made do with the biggest rain jacket he could find, the hood pulled well over his eyes. He smiled in at his son facing him through the clear plastic cover and laughed as the baby did.

“Yeah mate, you’ve got the best deal. Poor Daddy’s legs are getting all wet here.”

Teddy gurgled another laugh and kicked his legs where he sat, making Mark wonder if he could somehow understand, or if it was just good fun to play with your pram toys in a funny shelter as the water pitter-pattered down. He glanced at his jeans thinking it was as well he was going to change for the gym when he got in. The dogs to the side didn’t seem in the least bothered by the terrible conditions. They’d need a towel down, but beyond that they wouldn't care.

“You know what boys? I should just fix these leads to the front, have you tow Teddy in his carriage while I carry a nice big brolly to keep me dry. Whatcha think?”

The dogs turned their heads for a moment, then looked away as they sploshed through a puddle sending more water towards Mark’s jeans-clad legs.

“Cheers for that,” commented Mark dryly.

 

It was about the only dry thing around that morning. By the time Mark got home he was thoroughly soaked on his lower half. Pauline was immediately there in the hall to rescue a half-asleep Teddy from his mini greenhouse while Mark peeled off his wet boots and coat whilst simultaneously trying to stop the dogs from straying any further than the doormat where they stood dripping.

“Oh look at the state of you,” complained Pauline.

Mark was about to say he was fine, but as he opened his mouth some water trickled down his nose and all he could do was laugh.

“Yeah. Right boys you stay there while I grab a towel.”

“I’ll watch them,” insisted Pauline giving the dogs a firm look. “Don’t you be padding muddy wet paws onto my nice clean kitchen floor.”

Shadow and Simba quailed under her gaze so Mark knew he was safe to run upstairs (a deeply unpleasant experience in wet jeans). Once they were sorted out Mark gave Teddy a kiss before leaving him in Pauline’s capable hands while he had a quick half hour in the gym so he didn’t feel he was going completely to seed. Porsche had been in touch to check his plans remained unchanged for his return to racing next year and it had been a timely reminder to make sure he stayed in shape, even if Mark wasn’t entirely ready to think how it would be to go back.

 

After that he relieved Pauline so she could finally go home while he took Teddy for a swim. Mark put the baby in his little float-jacket and they played a splashing game as Teddy bobbed about in front of him, one hand of Mark’s keeping him safely positioned facing him. Then Mark played the other game he had devised whereby he put his hands either side of Teddy’s safety-vest under his arms and swam lengths up and down with the baby held facing him as if he was Mark’s float to keep him up. It certainly worked his leg muscles and Teddy seemed to think it hilarious, especially when his father bobbed his head slightly below the surface and blew bubbles before popping up to ‘surprise’ him.

 

With such a busy morning Mark was as happy as Teddy seemed to have a post-lunch nap, getting a chance to catch up from the interrupted night before. He got a good hour in before Teddy woke again, shortly before Seb rang from the track. Mark wasn’t entirely convinced his body-clock had adjusted from being across the Atlantic himself, but seeing as all he needed to do in the latter part of the afternoon was sit on the sofa with his son watching the action on TV, the dogs at his feet as the dreary late October rain fell outside, it wasn’t too bad.

As the coverage showed drivers preparing to go out in the garage, Mark watched out for RedBull being shown on TV, sitting Teddy a little higher as Seb appeared, sat in his car talking to his mechanics.

“Look darling, there’s Papa,” prompted Mark.

“Papa,” echoed Teddy.

“That’s right. Let’s give him a wave.”

Mark held his son’s hand to wave it for him, laughing as Seb plainly spotted the camera on his little screen propped at the front of his car and looked to the camera, waving back almost as if he could see his family doing so at home. Mark felt a pang as he did so.

“Hey sweetheart,” he said quietly, looking into those blue eyes framed by the helmet. “Miss you.”

He huffed a little laugh as Sebastian appeared to be looking right back at them through the screen and as if Teddy felt it too, he turned around to look at his father. Mark gave him a smile then dipped in to kiss his son’s snub nose.

“Papa’s gonna be fine sweetheart. Just gonna have a little fun in his race-car, then he’ll rush home to us and give us big hugs. Yeah big hugs cos he’s been missing us like we miss him.”

Teddy reached to touch his face so Mark let him, then seeing as the coverage had moved on to show the presenters discussing the latest paddock gossip, he picked Teddy up and turned him around properly, holding him to stand on his knee so they were level. The baby bounced for a moment, then laughed and started burbling away. Mark leaned in a little to try to understand what his son might be attempting to say. As Teddy bent his legs Mark sat him back down, now facing him.

“What was that darling? Hmm? Papa going racing. Papa racing.”

“Papa rara.”

Mark laughed and lifted Teddy’s hand to high-five it.

“Yeah baba, Papa race-car. Rrrr, rrrrr!”

“Rara.”

Both father and son laughed, then Mark took hold of both hands to move them side-to-side as if Teddy held a steering wheel, making engine noises to entertain his son who happily flung himself from side to side with almost too much enthusiasm. As he nearly toppled off Mark’s knee, Mark quickly grabbed his waist.

“Whoops-a-daisy. Nearly went for a burton there kiddo and then the marshals would have to rescue you.”

Mark looked down to the dogs at his feet.

“That’s you boys in case you’re wondering.”

He looked back to Teddy.

“Best not land on the marshals. First rule of racing is be nice to the marshals. Well actually first rule is don’t crash, but if you do, be nice to the marshals.”

“Rara.”

“Yeah.” Mark noticed the cars were now shown lining up in the pitlane ready to go. “Actually mate, not sure Papa would be so keen on this game. Let’s just watch him shall we?”  


Mark turned Teddy around to sit facing the screen, leaning back on the sofa to settle in with one arm wrapped loosely around his son. He wasn’t convinced that watching racing was any less likely to encourage Teddy to want to race himself than playing at racing. To distract himself from worrying about anything like that, Mark kissed the top of his son’s head.

“Let’s just concentrate on Papa,” he decided. “Ah they’re off. Go Papa.”

“Papa.”

“Yep.”

“Rara.”

“Papa in his race-car.”

“Papa rara.”

Mark laughed and shook his head. If their son’s first real word outside of names was ‘race-car’ he wouldn't be in the least surprised. Seb was just going to have to get over it.

“Papa rara,” confirmed Mark. “We’ll see him home soon.”

 

 

As planned, Mark had Teddy down for the night before the start of second practice in Mexico. He managed to grab a quick word with Seb before he set off for the garage, then Mark settled in on the sofa, the dogs back at his feet as the coverage began. Set-up work, tyre information, long runs and a couple of flying laps to test pace. Nothing too exciting, but Mark was more than glad of that. He was quite happy to admire the vocal and enthusiastic crowds gathered below a bright blue sky cheering pretty much all the drivers and turning up the volume when their favourites passed by.

Sebastian was far too busy with the job in hand to think about his loved ones watching at home. The only time he did allow thoughts of them into his mind was when he over-shot one of the corners during a quali-sim run, skidding to the side leaving dark tyre marks where he had been forced to brake furiously or wind up in the barriers. As Seb recovered the car and slowly turned to come back off the tarmac onto the track proper he watched carefully to see that no one was coming his way, then slowly built speed back up, checking as he did to feel if anything had been damaged.

“Sorry,” he apologised on the radio.

“How do the tyres feel?” came the reply.

“Um,” Seb paused a moment, thinking that apology had really been more than half for Mark watching back home. “Yeah, not great now. Sorry.”

“50p’s?”

Seb almost laughed, thinking it was a good job he lived in England and thus knew what they meant.

“Not quite. 20p on the front right maybe.”

“Right, bring her in then.”

“Will do.”

 

Mark was puffing out a long breath as he sat back on the sofa. Of course Seb was fine. he’d really never got that close to the tyre wall, but it still went through him to see Seb go off track like that. As the delayed radio was played out, Mark relaxed a fraction to hear Seb’s voice, plainly most put out to have damaged his tyres. He peered at the screen to see how those tyres looked now and thought his husband's description was pretty accurate: a flat spot, but smaller in size more like the short flat side of a British twenty pence piece than a real bone rattler of the pentagonal fifty pence. Tyres could be replaced. Mark wasn’t going to lose any sleep over them. It was the contents of the car that concerned him.

 

 

 

Half an hour later Sebastian was in front of the gathered media, giving his verdict on both the session just gone and the prospects of the weekend overall.

Lee MacKenzie currently had her microphone positioned under Seb’s nose, having just been given the nod by Britta at Sebastian’s side.

“So Seb you had that off towards the end there on a flying lap. Is that likely to affect your qualifying for tomorrow?”

Sebastian pressed his lips together as he shrugged.

“Well it is only Friday so it’s not so bad. Yes we lost some time there, but overall I am not concerned, no.”

“So did you get enough information for both long runs and quali?”

“Um, well we’re yet to do the debrief, but we’ve still got FP3 tomorrow. Obviously it’s not ideal, but practice is about finding the limits.”

“And you found them?” suggested Lee with a wry smile.

Seb huffed a laugh.

“I think I went a fair way over them.”

 

Lee laughed with him, but it occurred to Seb that Mark would be watching and he knew it wouldn't seem such a joke to him. He’d phone Mark as soon as he got back to his room to change so he could make sure he knew everything was alright. Sebastian glanced at the camera, wishing he could see Mark watching as they could when they Facetimed or talked on Skype. He wanted Mark to know he had nothing to worry about, though he wasn’t about to be so overt as to say something directly to the camera, particularly not when you never gave anything away in public about being bothered by a near miss. Then Seb smiled as he recalled something silly that surely would give the same message and with any luck make Mark smile too.

“It’s okay, we didn’t lose too much with my little mistake hopefully,” he assured, “for sure we lost some quali prep, but we’ve got tomorrow to finalise set-up. Then beyond that, well, we’ll just have to suck it and see.”

 

Lee had grown used to Sebastian using English idioms more than almost any other non-native English speaking driver, but even she raised an eyebrow at that. Seb had a playful glint in his eye. Again, certainly not for the first time.

“Indeed,” she concurred vaguely, wondering where he was going with this.

“In that case you’ve just got to go with the flow really.”

Sebastian succeeded in keeping a straight face, but he noticed the sideways look Britta gave him and knew he had to reign things in before he got in trouble. Lee could see Britta was about to step in as well, so she nodded.

“Okay well thanks Seb. Best of luck tomorrow.”

“Thanks as ever Lee.”

 

On the sofa at home Mark shook his head, then huffed out a laugh before picking up his phone to send a message.

MARK: Naughty ;)

 

A few minutes later Seb had his own phone out, smiling at the message waiting for him before sitting on his bed in his room dressed only in his race underwear. He was going to text a reply, but instead he pressed call.

“Hello Liebling.”

Mark’s smiling face looked back at him, shaking his head.

“I can’t believe you just did that.”

“Hey you dared me!” protested Sebastian.

Mark chuckled.

“I didn’t think you’d actually do it.”

Seb pouted.

“I wanted you to know everything was okay Liebling.”

“Oh”

“So I thought a joke, being silly, you know.”

“Ah.”

“I didn’t want you to be worrying.”

Mark sighed out a long breath.

“Well now how am I meant to tease you about it when you’re so sweet?”

 

A smile crept across Sebastian’s face. He could never entirely reconcile himself to the idea of being called sweet, but it was impossible to object to Mark calling him that.

“I only had a little off,” he assured him.

“Yeah I suppose so.”

“I know it mustn’t have been nice to watch.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“At least you kept it out of the barrier.”

“Yeah. Wrecked the tyres though.”

“Meh, they’ve plenty of tyres.”

“Spose so.”

“Will it affect things?” wondered Mark. “I mean that was a quali sim wasn’t it?”

“It was, but we’ve got tomorrow. We’ll be fine Liebling.”

Mark nodded.

“FP3 to go yet I guess.”

“Exactly.”

“Have you got to go to the debrief?”

Sebastian looked down to his attire and chuckled.

“What?” frowned Mark.

Seb moved his phone to show Mark what he was wearing.

“Just thinking I need to actually de-brief before I go to the debrief.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Darling that is a terrible pun.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“I think the altitude here is making me light-headed.”

“I hope that’s a joke.”

“No Liebling of course it is.”

“Okay.”

“I’m just being silly.”

 

Mark nodded, then let out a little sigh, suddenly really wishing he was sat beside Seb so he could give him a nice hug, maybe even curl up on that narrow bed with Seb in his race underwear like they used to.

“Miss you sweetheart.”

“I miss you too.”

“Yeah.”

“And Teddy.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Good job he wasn’t watching earlier.”

Sebastian frowned for a moment, wondering if Mark meant their son might be upset seeing him go off track, then realised he meant what he had said in the interview.

“Oh, well I knew he was in bed.”

“Sure.”

“It wasn’t really bad was it? The little joke?”

“No sweetheart it’s a harmless saying. It’s just us with appalling filthy minds reading something else into it.”

“Mark.”

“Hey darling you’re the one who thought what you thought.”

“And what did I think?”

“You know exactly what you thought.”

Sebastian smiled.

“You know what I did think of?”

“Oh?”

“Monaco.”

“Ah. Ha, yes.”

 

They smiled at one another, then Mark laughed and shook his head.

“I can’t actually believe we did that.”

“Your idea.”

“So it was. I don’t recall you complaining though.”

“Oh I definitely wasn’t.”

Mark laughed, glad to see him in good spirits.

“Well sweetheart, we’ll have to see what we can manage when you get home.”

“Is that a promise?” teased Seb.

“Might be. Do you need an incentive?”

“No Liebling I’ll just be happy to see you.”

Mark laughed again.

“Okay so there’s another saying I need to explain there.”

“What?”

“Nope, that one’s definitely waiting until you get home.”

“Should I not say that on TV?”

“Not before the watershed darling no.”

“Oh. Okay.” Seb frowned. “I’m intrigued now.”

“I’ll explain when you’re home. Not in front of Teddy.”

“Oh I see. Right.”

“Mm, anyway, I’m glad you’re alright darling.”

“I’m fine. It’s no big deal really. I just thought of you watching.”

“Yeah. No worries then my darling. I’m sure you’ll be all set tomorrow.”

Seb smiled, for all they enjoyed teasing one another, he loved it when Mark was so affectionate. He only wished he could reply with a kiss as he wanted to.

 

“I’m sure I will,” assured Sebastian. He let out a long sigh as he caught sight of the time. “Oh, damn, sorry Liebling I need to grab a shower and get going.”

“Ah, righto.”

“Are you going to bed now?”

Mark checked the time himself: Close on ten pm. Time had flown again.

“Yeah guess so sweetheart. If Teddy wakes me I’ll buzz you.”

“Okay, but only if he does. If not, I’ll call you in the morning.”

“My afternoon.”

“Yeah.”

They both puffed a breath.

“God I can’t wait until we’re back in the same time-zone,” admitted Seb.

“Ha. So often the key to a good relationship,” joked Mark.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark knew they were in danger of moping. Best to wind things up and keep positive.

“Love you.”

“Love you too. Hug?”

“Yep.”

As they reopened their eyes Seb blew Mark a little kiss which made him laugh before he blew one back.

“Looking forward to the real thing Liebling. Night.”

“Night darling, or afternoon. Take care.”

 

 

 

 

The following day Mark sat having a nice peaceful moment while Teddy took a mid morning nap after swimming. The dogs were chowing down on some food in the kitchen so Mark had made himself a coffee to take into the lounge, just enjoying a bit of time to himself for once. The weather was still dreary outside and it had turned colder now. Winter wasn’t all that far off now November approached.

With time on his hands Mark began thinking to himself how this year had flown by. It had involved the most dramatic changes to his life, more even than when Seb came to him a few years back. If you had asked him five years ago whether Mark would choose to put his racing to one side to stay home and care for a baby full-time, he would have told whoever asked that they were out of their mind. But now Mark found it hard to imagine life without Teddy.

He wouldn't change things, not for a moment. Mark loved his family, that was beyond question, but what was in question was how they managed things going forwards. He thought about that email he had received from Porsche. He’d received a few through the year as well as continued, if irregular, contact with his team-mates, but this one from the HR department had been rather more direct, asking him to confirm he would be returning to work after completing his year out on paternity leave.

 

Mark gazed over at some of Teddy’s toys piled on the floor by the baby blanket laid out where they played in the lounge. It would feel so strange to leave him to go racing. Hell it would be strange to be parted from him at all. Ever since they had walked into that hospital in the new year and met their son for the first time, Mark had only been parted from him for a few hours here and there. Right now he could hear Teddy breathing via the monitor sat on the coffee table. It was comforting. All through the night Mark listened out for it pretty much any time he was awake. He was soothed by it as he fell asleep and it was the first thing his brain sought out when he woke up. How would he cope if he was five thousand miles away for a race?

Five thousand miles away from his son. Just like Seb was now. Mark closed his eyes for a moment as he wondered how Seb did it. Even the idea was tough for Mark to deal with. He knew it wasn’t easy for his husband, but Seb managed, so Mark suppose he would too. Did he _want_ to though? That was a different question.

 

Mark looked up as the door slowly opened and the dogs nosed in, seeking approval before they pushed the door wider open and came in.

“Hello boys, finished your grub then?”

Mark gave Shadow and Simba a rub as they settled by his feet. He’d miss them too if he was away. All the comforts of home. The simple life. He could just be a permanent stay-at-home dad, supporting Seb like he did now, looking after Teddy, doing all the villagey, homey stuff. Was that enough for him? Mark knew he’d had a pretty decent career in racing. Achieved a lot in F1, won plenty of races including some of the most prestigious. He’d even won the world championship in WEC. Wasn’t that enough to be satisfied with? If that was it, he couldn't be disappointed.

As he distractedly ran his hand over the dogs’ fur Mark continued to ponder things. Racing could be a slog at times: all the prep, the work with the team, the media duties. That wasn’t always great and with Porsche being based in Germany it wasn’t so easy just to pop over. Ironic really that Sebastian who was German now lived only a few miles from RedBull, while Mark who had been based here in England for over twenty years ended up working for a team over there. Still, they had the plane, so it wasn’t all that bad getting there and back, within a day if need be.

Races were a different matter. Some were on the other side of the world and that would take him away from home for longer. He needed another look at the WEC calendar, but Mark was pretty sure that there would be races where Seb wouldn't be able to bring Teddy, even at least one where they would both need to race on the same weekend, meaning they would probably have to ask Seb’s mother to stay to look after Teddy for them. He was sure Heike would be more than happy to oblige, but it wasn’t ideal. Nor was the fact that even if they travelled together as much as possible, then he and Seb would effectively be on the road for half the year, Teddy in tow. Was that the best thing for their growing son?

Mark let out a long sigh. He needed to talk to Seb. Perhaps it would be better to compromise and only do the European races together with a few exceptions. Then they would have to be parted and just pass Teddy over as they took turns to be home between races. How much would they be apart? Mark hated being away from Seb as it was. He didn’t want to add to that.

 

He rubbed over his face, feeling it pile in on him a bit. He hadn’t even answered the essential question at the root of all this: Did he still want to race?

Did he miss it? Mark puffed a breath. Yes he did. His whole adult life he had been a racer. It felt like his identity. Not that he objected to being first and foremost ‘Daddy’. That was fine. Mark didn’t give a stuff for anyone’s jokes about him doing this. They could take a running jump. Mark loved being Daddy. When Teddy said ‘Dada’ it already made his heart sing. Mark thought hearing ‘Daddy’ would be even better. He didn’t lack for fulfilment. But he did miss that rush you only got in racing on the limit. The thrill that came from pulling an overtake when it really counted, the joy of winning, the camaraderie of the team and the buzz in a garage during a race. Le Mans particularly. It might be exhausting, but Mark loved Le Mans. Winning there felt like nothing else.

Mark huffed a little laugh as he realised that his brain immediately associated winning in Le Mans with the sight of Seb’s face, shining with pride in his achievement, happiness at sharing the moment and more than a little relief that it was completed. Mark knew Seb loved him for being a good dad to their son and appreciated him supporting him at races and in every other way, but Mark couldn't deny he loved it when he got to impress Seb with a win. He wondered if that was strange. Shallow even. But it was true. Seb’s eyes all lit up shone brighter than any polished trophy for Mark. He did miss that. And if he was entirely honest with himself, Mark missed getting out of the house a bit more than just into the village or to sit trapped in the RedBull base when he could be anywhere around the world at a track.

 

He tipped his head back against the sofa cushions and stared at the ceiling. He didn’t need to win races to make his husband love him. He had nothing to prove to himself or the world. But Mark missed racing. All this year he had been working on the assumption that he was going back to it and he _did_ want to. Mark sat forwards to pull over the closed laptop on the coffee table so he could check the provisional WEC calendar for 2018. At least there weren’t anything like as many races as in F1. Spring into summer looked alright with just one race a month in Europe. Autumn would be trickier and would involve a fair bit of playing pass the baby.

Mark smiled to himself as it occurred to him that Teddy wouldn't be such a baby a year from now. Pass the toddler then. He didn’t know if that made it easier or harder, but either way he and Seb needed to have a sit down chat about it all to make a decision together. Mark wasn’t going to decide anything now or bring it up with Seb when he was one the other side of the world and needed to concentrate on racing. It could wait. The email hadn’t required an instant response, just an enquiry based on the back of Mark previously assuming he would return and an invitation to call them if he wanted to talk anything through. Perhaps that would be an idea too? Before long he was bound to get another call from his team boss Andreas, so he did need to make a final decision, but it could wait a few days at least.

 

“ _Wahhhh! Waahhh!”_

Mark jumped as his son came through loud and clear on the monitor. If he returned to racing he would have to get used to responding to a rather different kind of radio call, but for now he stood from the sofa, the dogs moving out of his way as he went through and undid the safety gate to go upstairs. By the time he got to the nursery Teddy was stood up in his cot, holding onto the railings as he cried. The moment Mark walked in the baby let go to raise his hands up appealingly to him.

“Dada!”

Teddy wobbled on his feet, then toppled backwards to sit on the mattress with a bump before wailing all the louder.

“Alright mate, alright. Daddy’s here,” assured Mark as he scooped him out.

He jigged his crying son, holding him into his chest as Teddy sent little arms to cling around his neck.

“There now, shh baba. It’s alright. Did you go for a bump? Hmm? Bumps-a-daisy. You’re alright sweetheart. There there. Shh now.”

Teddy snuffled into him, wiping his wet face into Mark’s hoody at his shoulder.

“That’s it kiddo. Dry your eyes.”

“Dada.”

Mark smiled as his son raised his head to look at him.

“Yeah mate, what is it? You hungry? Thirsty? Do we need a pitstop?”

Teddy cuddled into him a moment so Mark hugged him in, then as he calmed a fraction, he laid him down on the changing table and undressed him to rule out one possibility. Recoiling as he discovered the contents of Teddy’s nappy, Mark pulled a face.

“Crikey mate, how’d we get that from porridge and banana eh? _Whoof_.”

 

He cleaned him up, but Teddy had made such a mess that Mark decided that the easiest thing to do was dunk him in the bath to give him a proper wash. The baby cheered up once he was clean, so his father ran some warm water into the tub and gave him had some bath toys to play with. Mark knelt beside him, reaching in to splash a bit of water about to make his son laugh. He’d put some baby bubbles in so Mark amused them both by dotting the foam on him.

“Ha, silly Daddy huh?”

“Dada.”

“Yeah. Bop, bubbles on your nose. Shall we put bubbles on Daddy’s nose too?”

Mark put some on his face which delighted his son, Teddy reaching out to pat them, making them laugh again.

“Ah Papa will be quite jealous won’t he? Shall we send him a picture?”

Mark pulled out his phone from his pocket and took a photograph of his son’s soapy face, little round cheeks above a white foamy beard and oversized bubble-bath eyebrows. Mark snapped a shot as Teddy laughed and grinned as he checked the shot.

“Ah that’s brilliant mate. Papa’s gonna love it.”

The bubbles started to slip so Mark swept them away before they went in his mouth or eyes, even though they were declared on the bottle to be baby safe.

“Dafties aren’t we? Okay sunshine, think that’ll do us. Let’s get you out and dried.”

 

Seeing as Mark had stripped Teddy off in the nursery, all his clothes were in there, so once he was dry he sat him on the towel and pulled off his hoody to put that on him so the baby was kept warm. As he put it on him Mark laughed at the sight of his small son buried in the huge hoody. He rolled the sleeves up and tucked the hem so you could at least see Teddy’s feet, but it was still enormous. Mark smiled and took another picture of him sat there with the hood perched on his head, then put his phone away and picked his son up to take through.

He lay Teddy on the mat to put a fresh nappy on him, Mark smiling at the way Teddy turned his head to sniffle into the fleecy inside of the hood.

“You like that dontcha buddy?” Mark stroked his cheek, thinking he’d tried this trick before. “Yeah Papa likes it too.” He smoothed over Teddy’s towel-dried blonde hair. “You are like him sometimes sweetheart.”

Huffing a laugh Mark went to pull the hoody off so he could redress his son properly, but Teddy pulled a face and curled up his arms and legs into himself.

“No? Are you gonna steal my clothes like Papa does?”

“Papa.”

“Yeah. Ah well.”

Mark decided to cut his losses for the moment and picked Teddy back up, taking him to sit on his lap on the rocking chair. The baby was fully covered in his warm fleecy hoody, so he wouldn't get cold. Mark pulled it all the way down and put the hood back up for him.

“Keep your tootsies and noggin warm mate, yeah? There we go. Like a little sleeping bag isn’t it? Tell you what, let’s have a nice story, then we might see if Papa’s awake.”

 

He reached for the story they had read the night before, balancing it in one hand against the arm-rest to hold for them both to see while Teddy snuggled into him. Mark was a little cold in just his t-shirt, but Teddy felt warm bundled up with him so he wasn’t going to move. It did feel nice and cosy like this and Mark enjoyed the way his son increasingly seemed to pay attention to what he was saying, either staring up at his father as he spoke, or patting the pictures in the books.

Mark knew he couldn't give this up. That was for sure. Maybe eight races a year, half with his family, half without, was possible. Fitting in travelling with Seb had to go on top of that, but it was feasible so long as he and Seb made a practical and adaptable plan. What Mark also knew was that he couldn't swap with Sebastian and race twenty plus weekends a year any more. Four or five long weekends away from his son a year was more than plenty. No more.

“Wouldn’t want to be without you that much kiddo. That’s just the truth.”

He blew Teddy a kiss, then smiled as his son reach up to try to touch his face, the wide rolled-up sleeve slipping down his arm.

“Can’t stay like this all day buddy,” decided Mark. “Let’s get you properly dressed and see if we can speak to Papa.”

 

He took Teddy back over to the changing table, scooping up a fresh outfit as be passed the drawers: cosy leggings and a long sleeved top. That would do. It wasn’t the most co-ordinated combination, but Mark knew Teddy didn’t care. As he fought to get a pair of socks onto kicking legs he caught one foot and tickled the underside, making his son giggle and curl up his legs. It was such a gorgeous sound Mark did it again, then whipped the sock on while Teddy was distracted.

“One tootsie, two tootsies,” smiled Mark as he did the same with the other foot.

He laughed as he heard himself say it, thinking that his old self would have thought he had gone insane to speak this way.

“Dada’s talking to Baba, isn’t he mate? Hmm? Teddy talk.”

Teddy burbled a reply and Mark nodded back as if he understood. Seb could read all he liked about nascent language development and the best ways to encourage it, but Mark mostly just said what came into his head and repeated what his son responded to. He leaned in closer to his son kissing his nose, then tickling his tummy making him wriggle about.

“Tickle-tickle.”

“Ba Dada-dah!

“Oh bad Dada is it? Naughty Daddy. Alright then, oopsa-daisy.”

He picked Teddy up and managed to grab his hoody up to take down with him.

 

Once on the sofa Mark set Teddy down to play with the dogs, watching him crawl around on the carpet as he texted the pictures he had taken to Seb, judging he would just be getting up on the other side of the world now. He pulled his hoody back on, trying to make sure he didn’t lose sight of his son on the carpet. As he tugged it down into place Mark spotted the way Teddy was now sat watching him.

“Did you wonder where Daddy had gone sweetheart?”

Teddy frowned and crawled over, so Mark scooped him up to sit facing him on his lap.

“Yeah mate it is disconcerting isn’t it?”

Teddy patted at his face so Mark gave him a reassuring smile. Then the baby crashed himself into him.

“Oof mate, some warning at least.”

Teddy ignored him and tried snuggling in. Mark went to give him a cuddle, but his son sat up again, pouting.

“What?” asked Mark.

“Dada.”

Mark was the one who was frowning now, trying to work out what his son wanted. Then Teddy pulled at his hoody.

“You want this back?”

Teddy pressed in again, then sat up, leaving Mark perplexed.

“What are you after Teddy?”

The baby clutched at his hoody once more so Mark sighed, then sat him to the side on the sofa while he dragged his top off, wondering if he should just go grab another one so he wasn’t cold. He was about to put the hoody back on his son when Teddy reached to paw at the material before a smile spread over his face.

“Ah I see,” realised Mark as he saw that the hoody was now inside out and his son was touching the soft fleecy inside. “That’s what you want. Feel nice does it darling?”

“Dada,” smiled Teddy, leaning into where he held the hoody.

“Yep. Gotcha mate. Okay, I’ve got an idea.”

Mark rearranged his hoody to pull it back on with the fleecy part on the outside now. It felt a little strange, but he didn’t mind so long as Teddy was happy. He picked him back up to sit on his knee and Teddy immediately snuggled in against the soft fleece, smiling contentedly. Mark cuddled him in, letting out a little sigh.

“Ah spoilt rotten aren’t you kiddo. Know your daddy will do whatever you want for you, dontcha? Such a big softie.”

 

Mark smiled and shook his head thinking it was hard to resist being a pushover when it felt so nice to have his son cuddling into him like this. He smiled down to his son, about to say something else when his phone started ringing. As he managed to pick it up from the coffee table without unduly disturbing Teddy, Mark gave him flick of his eyebrows.

“Guess who this is? Hm? Is it Papa? Do we think it’s Papa?”

He chuckled to himself, knowing before he read the screen that it would be. Mark slid his finger across to accept the Facetime call, holding it at a low angle to take in both himself and Teddy.

“Hey, and look, it _is_ Papa.”

“Hey Lieblinge,” smiled Seb in greeting.

“Look darling, Papa,” encouraged Mark.

“Papa,” echoed Teddy.

Sebastian beamed, thrilled to think his son recognised him when they were so far apart.

“Hello Teddybär.” He waved and leaned in even closer to the screen. “Are you having a nice snuggle with Daddy?”

“Dada.”

“Yes. That looks cosy. I loved your pictures Schatz. Were you having a bath?”

“Baba.”

“Ha,” laughed Mark. “I think that’s new.”

“Hm?”

“Trying to say bath. At least I think that’s it.”

“Oh I see,” nodded Seb. “Yes very good Teddy. Baba, bath. Fun bath-time with bubbles.”

“Baba,” repeated Teddy, before snuggling back into Mark.

Sebastian smiled at him, then looked more to Mark.

“They were lovely pictures Liebling, thank you.”

Mark smiled back.

“Thought they’d make a nice wake-up call.”

“They did.”

“I didn’t send them too early did I?”

“No I was just in the bathroom.”

“Ah okay, good.”

“How come he was having a bath this early?”

“Ha, take a guess.”

“Um, messy feed?”

“Nope, try the other end.”

“Ah.”

“Yep.” Mark chuckled. “Bet you’re not missing that.”

Sebastian shrugged. He couldn't pretend he missed changing nappies, but he did miss taking care of his son.

“Was he alright?”

“Oh yeah fine, no biggie. All clean and nice again aren’t you kiddo?”

 

Teddy merely rubbed his round cheek into Mark’s turned-out fleecy hoody so Mark stroked over his head.

“Gone a bit tired again I think,” he explained.

“Oh okay.”

“What time is it with you?” enquired Mark.

“Just gone six am.”

“Oof, that’s like being home getting up that early.”

“Ha, busy day ahead.”

“Course.”

“Lots of prep to do ahead of quali so I’m gonna head to the track with Britta after breakfast.”

“Sure. FP3 at four, right?”

“Your end?”

“Oh, yeah.”

Seb paused to work it out.

“Yeah it’s um, ten here, so yes Liebling, four pm with you, then it’s quite a gap to quali at one.”

“Gotcha. So that’s seven here.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“All this time changing. It never stops being confusing.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Sorry.”

“No no darling, I just meant I know what you mean. So a two hour gap to quali’s not so bad.”

“Yeah it should give me plenty of time to call you.”

“Ha, I was think it gave the team lots of time to work on anything.”

“Oh, yes I suppose.”

Mark smiled.

“Nice to be top of the priority list.”

“You’re always top,” assured Seb. “If I have any say over things that is.”

“Good to know.”

“Are you up to anything else today?”

Mark shook his head.

“No plans. Guess we’ll get lunch after this, maybe have a play, see if he wants his nap then settle in back here ready to watch you.”

“Right. So if I call before?”

 

Mark could have rolled his eyes. It was what they always did, but Seb always checked.

“Of course.”

“Well just in case you’re busy with Teddy.”

“Barring an emergency darling then I will either answer or call right back. And there won’t be an emergency.”

Sebastian knew Mark was heading off him automatically worrying what could be a problem. It was so strange, when Mark said things like with such authority, Seb’s mind relaxed and accepted it; everything would be fine. He gazed at Mark for a moment, then something struck him.

“What are you wearing Liebling?”

Mark glanced down, then smiled.

“Ah yes, young Teddy decided he’s got a soft spot for hoodies like his papa, or perhaps more accurately, he likes a soft spot with my hoodies.”

“Is that why he was wearing it earlier?”

“Well that was cos I forgot to take his little dressing-gown through to the bathroom, but yeah pretty much.”

“It smells of you.”

“Hmm?”

“Your hoodies smell of you. It’s comforting for him. That’s why he likes them.”

Mark could only smile when he knew the same applied to Seb.

“Well he insisted I turn it inside out for better snuggles.”

“Did he indeed?”

“Yep, little bossy-boots.”

“Oh well, I guess I can’t say anything,” accepted Seb, “seeing as I’ve got three of your hoodies here with me and…”

“And?” prompted Mark when Seb stopped.

Sebastian smiled and shrugged a shoulder.

“And you know sometimes I sleep with them.”

 

Mark scrunched his nose thinking that his husband occasionally objected to being called sweet, but he couldn't think of a better description.

“You wouldn't ever tell anyone that would you Liebling?” checked Sebastian.

“Course not darling. I keep that little fact to myself.”

Seb smiled.

“Thanks.”

Mark shook his head.

“I need something to keep me warm at night too sweetheart.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“That’s a nice thought,”

“Tis indeed,” Mark agreed.

Seb smiled at him, then looked to Teddy.

“He’s quiet now,” he observed.

“Yeah. Ah well, he might liven up with some grub.”

“Mm, speaking of which, I have to go now Liebling, I’m sorry.”

“No no darling, course you’ve got to get on. We’ll speak later.”

“Okay. Bye for now then.”

“Bye. Say bye to Papa lovely,” prompted Mark to Teddy, sitting him up a fraction. “Bye-bye Papa.”

“Ba-Papa.”

Mark helped him wave goodbye and smiled at how delighted Seb looked very nearly managing to say bye. Once they had disconnected the call he put down the phone and leaned in to kiss Teddy’s forehead.

“Good lad. Set Papa off for the day all happy. Job done. Now then, I think we can multi-task a little play and snuggle, then lunch.”

 

 

 

A few hours later Mark ended the call to Seb to let him complete his final preparations for qualifying. He looked down to Teddy on his lap and checked the time: Only quarter to seven. Teddy had eaten his dinner earlier, or at least eaten sufficient to count whilst the rest of the food went all over the high-chair, his bib and the floor before being scarfed up by the dogs. It was too early for his evening bottle. He wouldn’t want that for another half hour probably, which would be in the middle of qualifying, though that couldn’t be helped.

Mark decided to get it all ready to go, then he could nip in to set the bottle-warmer going as quickly as possible, preferably in one of the gaps between sessions. If Teddy cried for it earlier than Mark would just have to hope he wasn’t missing anything important. Sod’s law said it would of course be during Seb setting a flying lap, but what could you do?

He stood, hitching Teddy up to prepare what he could, fill the dogs bowls and grab himself a drink before returning to the lounge to be ready to watch.

“All set then,” Mark stated to his son, who merely reached for his soft toy abandoned on the sofa from earlier before hugging it in and settling into his father. If he fell asleep once he’d had his milk Mark could either nip up to put him down or hold him until after. He huffed a little laugh to himself thinking the latter was more likely.

  


In the RedBull garage in Mexico Sebastian was making sure he was all set as well. Despite having only spoken to Mark a few minutes earlier, he took a moment to go over to his bag stored at the back of the garage, unzipping the side pocket to surreptitiously pull out the envelopes stored there. Seb scanned over the words he knew so well, letting himself absorb the feeling it gave him to know Mark loved and supported him, no matter how far away he was. Seb knew it made no sense to require this when the author of those treasured letters had said as much directly so recently, but just touching the letters felt as though it brought all that support closer.

“Alright?”

Sebastian turned to see his chief mechanic waiting behind him.

“Oh, yeah, coming now.”

He quickly but carefully stashed the letters away, zipping the compartment safely shut before coming over. Seb knew his team would never poke their noses in to ask what he was looking at. He wondered what they thought, whether they assumed that it was preparation notes. He smiled to himself thinking the guys around him would probably never imagine he was sneaking looks at Mark’s letters. Would they laugh? Seb hoped not.

Pulling on his kit, Sebastian put aside all such concerns as he clipped his HANS device to his helmet and climbed into his car. He spoke with his guys to go over a few things whilst checking the data-screen set on the front of the car, then nodded that he had it. As those around him busied themselves with their own immediate tasks to make the car ready to go, Seb sat back, closing his eyes to visualise the track and what he needed to do to maximise all his strengths so he could get the best times, building faster and faster as he hopefully moved through each stage of qualifying.

His head moved unconsciously from side-to-side around each corner until he was back to the start, then Seb opened his eyes to see one of the mechanics beside the car waiting to belt him in. Seb gave him the nod, then when that was done he looked to see if there was a camera about at the edge of the garage, waiting until it pointed at him to wave to his loved ones hopefully watching before taking in an unseen breath and snapping the visor closed. All thoughts of his family shut out now, fully focussed, ready to go.

 

Mark of course _was_ watching. Smiling as he saw Seb rehearse his lap, then waving with Teddy.

“Good luck sweetheart.” Mark looked down at his son. “Good luck Papa. Hm? Good luck.”

Teddy gazed at him.

“Guh.”

“Yeah mate near enough.”

Mark kissed the top of Teddy’s head then wrapped both arms around him as they watched Seb drive out of the garage to line up with the rest in the pitlane.

“Stay safe,” Mark whispered.

He took a deep breath as the light turned to green and the cars set off. Here they went again: watching, waiting, hoping for a good result and praying that nothing terrible happened, counting down the minutes and seconds until it was over.

As Seb completed his out-lap and went off on a flyer Mark almost envied his freedom. Not in being away from them, unencumbered by family or even a baby to look after, but the freedom in the mind that came from setting every mundane, day-to-day thought aside to just go racing, feeling the speed that as you gave your all, melding man and machine to race on the edge like that. Mark adored the child on his lap, his beautiful son who now pressed his cheek into him, not even watching the television Mark could barely take his eyes from. It would be hard to be parted from him. But to go back to be a racer once more. He did want it. For now however, thoughts of that would have to wait until Seb was safely home with him again.

  


 

 

As ever the rest of race weekend stretched out for both of them. Time passed in an essentially inverse manner for each of them though. For Seb the time in the car whizzed by, whilst time alone in his room at the circuit or back at the hotel dragged between when he could call home, getting an early night in an empty bed and consoling himself by looking through the pictures of his family stored on his phone. By contrast for Mark the time he had to spend watching his husband in his race-car seemed to last an eternity until Seb was safely out again, while the rest of his time was busily filled with caring for Teddy; playing, feeding, bathing, changing and everything else involved in keeping him safe and happy.

The longest amount of time for both of them though came from when Seb finished the race until he could get home again. Given that he was travelling east against the dateline, the journey took even longer in effect and Seb wasn’t expected home until gone midday on the Monday. He was so used to going the other way that Sebastian had grown used to making it home late at night on the Sunday, so this felt a lot longer.

He tried to kill as much time as possible sleeping, as Mark was back home, but Seb never found flying alone as comfortable as flying with his husband. It was no help to have more space. What he wanted was Mark’s nice warm body to rest into, his arm around him, their son sleeping in his travel crib in front of them. Seb snuffled into one of Mark’s supply of hoodies that he had folded up as a pillow, then closed his eyes. It wasn’t the same, but for now it would have to do until he got the real thing.

 

 

It was almost strange not having to tiptoe inside, lugging his bags into the hall while Seb fumbled for the light-switch in the dark, seeing as it was of course broad daylight on the Monday. As soon as he got through the door the dogs came racing out of the kitchen to throw themselves at his legs and Sebastian had barely time to give them a stroke before Mark was there in the lounge doorway carrying their son.

“Being mobbed as usual,” teased Mark.

Seb looked up and ignored the joke as he saw the smile on his husband's face.

“Hello Leiblinge.”

“Papa!”

Little chubby arms stretched out making Seb feel happier than ever that he had arrived home in the middle of the day to be greeted like this rather than sneak in like a burglar in the dead of night. As Mark came closer Seb took hold of Teddy and gave him a kiss, then as the baby snuggled in Seb found himself in turn enveloped by Mark, a kiss planted on his own cheek.

“Oh I’m so glad to be home,” he sighed.

“Me too darling.”

Sebastian looked at him, then pushed up on his toes, holding Teddy to the side on his hip as he reached to kiss Mark on the lips. Mark kissed back, then huffed a little laugh at the way Seb found a way to stay stretched up into him. He kept his arms looped low on Seb’s back to hold him there without squashing Teddy, but then the baby seemed pretty happy to be surrounded by his parents.

“Tippy toes,” Mark teased.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder, thinking it was ironic that as it turned out, he was still on tiptoes in the hallway on his return home. It felt nice though, pressed in with his family, the dogs still winding around their legs just as happy they were to be all together again.

 

Mark rubbed his nose into Seb’s, then seeing as Mark’s arm was helping hold Teddy, Seb freed one of his to slide it round Mark’s neck to hang onto him.

“I just want to stay like this forever.”

Mark huffed a laugh, but as Seb rested his head on his shoulder he couldn't argue with the sentiment. Maybe it was wrong how much he liked the way Seb had to reach up to kiss him, the way he clung on so tightly and how he pressed his body into Mark’s like there was velcro holding them together, but Mark didn’t care. It did feel good. It did make him feel fulfilled to keep him held close like this. It was what he had been waiting for. What both of them had been waiting for.

“Beats the hell out of a virtual hug, right?”

“Yes Liebling, it really does.”

Sebastian let out a relieved sigh. He was home at long last, back with his family. He’d survived the month of October which Seb had been dreading since the F1 calendar had come out a year ago. Four races done. Now he only had another two before the season was over and Mark was coming to the next one in Brazil, so there was only one they’d be apart for until the break. He could breathe out now, so Sebastian did exactly that.

“Alright?” checked Mark.

Seb lifted his head and smiled.

“Yeah.”

“Shall we go through or just stand here all day?”

Sebastian laughed and finally lowered back down, hitching Teddy to hold him properly.

“Can we go cuddle up on the sofa?”

“Yep, we can absolutely do that,” agreed Mark.

 

They transferred themselves to the lounge, bypassing the toys strewn across the carpet where Mark had been sat playing with Teddy, then rearranged themselves into a more comfortable family snuggle-up on the sofa. To Seb this felt like the first time he had really stopped properly still and at peace for weeks.

Soon it would be the winter break and he could make up for the missed time with them. He could go to the baby group in the village and join in talk about teething and nappy-rash and lost sleep. He could enjoy trying not to laugh at Mark singing nursery rhymes in public. He could feel like a proper father to his son who lay pressed into him right now, holding on tight to a fold of his hoody with one of those gorgeous tiny hands. He could lie every night with Mark and sleep the sleep that only came with being in your own bed with the person you loved beside you.

Sebastian looked at Mark, seeing him watching him and smiled at the little squeeze Mark gave with the arm around him.

“What are you thinking?” Seb asked.

Mark smiled back.

“My Seb’s home,” he answered plainly, then glancing to Teddy, amended; “our Seb.”

Sebastian would have laughed, but he knew his husband really was that straight-forward, so he simply nodded.

“Yeah.”

Mark tipped his head to rest that long angular nose and the sharp sweep of his cheekbones by Seb’s softer lines, neither needing to say anything more right now.

 

 

* * *

 


	240. Planning Ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't know if anyone's out there to read this on a Saturday night, but here you go anyway...

* * *

 

 

Mark pushed the buggy through the pouring rain, Teddy safely ensconced under the clear plastic cover whilst his father determinedly walked on through the paddock, holding a large golf umbrella in one hand to try to stay dry himself. It was late on Friday, long after FP2 had finished, so given the horrendous weather all sensible Brazilian fans had long since departed for the day which was a relief, seeing as it meant Mark didn’t need to concern himself with worrying about protecting his son from anything other than the rain.

Turning into the rear entrance to the RedBull garage, Mark puffed a breath, then shook his brolly out of the exit before propping it to one side and beginning to undo the cover from round Teddy’s pushchair.

“There we go mate. Snug as a bug in a rug there aren’tcha?”

He unclipped the belts and lifted him out, kissing his son on the cheek before holding him to the side, relieved that the place was quiet so he didn’t need to stick his headphones on the baby. One of the mechanics came through to the rear of the garage and Mark smiled as he saw the way he lit up to see Teddy.

“Hello there,” grinned Steve as he put down the equipment he was carrying and came over.

“Hi. Seb said we were alright to come down.”

“Course. He’s just through there.”

“Cheers. Pram alright here?”

Steve looked over to where it was parked tucked to the side of the exit.

“Um sure, can’t see why not.”

“Bucketing down out there,” commented Mark.

“Ha, tell me about it. I just spent twenty minutes drying out the inside of your hubby’s car.”

“Ah.”

“Come on through.” Steve smiled in at Teddy. “How you doing little guy?”

“Hm, bit of a cross-patch earlier, but he’s alright now.”

 

The mechanic led them through, Mark freeing a hand to wave to Seb busily talking to his team around his car. As soon as he spotted his family, Sebastian beamed and excused himself to come over.

“Lieblinge.”

“Hey sweetheart.”

Mark kissed Seb on the cheek and handed Teddy over to him.

“Papa gahba bagah.”

Seb frowned at his son and Mark shrugged.

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Mm, oh well. He’s perked up.”

“Yep, very chirpy now, you know just before we need to go back to the hotel to put him to bed, obviously.”

“Time difference.”

“Yeah. Guess he’d just be up from his afternoon nap at home. Ah well. Not your fault is it kiddo?”

Mark stroked his son’s cheek, then looked back to his husband.

“So, how’s it going?”

“Do you want to see the new upgrades we’ve been testing today?”

“Sure.”

 

They stepped over to the car, naturally having to spend a few minutes letting the guys fuss over Teddy before Seb could do anything else.

“So can you see the changes to the rear wing here?” he pointed out to Mark.

“And the monkey seat,” added Mike.

“Yeah we put a baby-seat on instead,” chimed Dave.

Mark huffed a laugh and looked to Teddy.

“Fancy that kiddo? Wanna have a ride with Papa?”

Sebastian shook his head, then noticed Dan coming over as well.

“Hey here’s the party,” greeted his team-mate with his trademark grin.

Dan scooped up Teddy from Seb without so much as a by-your-leave, gurning in to make him laugh.

“Silly Uncle Dan,” commented Mark.

“Yup that’s me. C’mon Teddy, wanna have a sit in my car?”

“Rara.”

“Yeah mate that’s it. Awesome.”

 

Mark caught the look on Seb’s face, but his team-mate was an unstoppable force of nature and before they could say anything he had him over by his own semi-deconstructed car, sitting the baby in it as his own mechanics entertained him and themselves.

“Um,” stopped Seb, uncertain how to say he wasn’t sure about this.

“Yeah vroom vroom!” laughed Dan as he held the baby in place, moving him slightly side to side as if racing around the track.

Sebastian sighed, but his son was clearly having a whale of a time so there was no point objecting. Instead he stood by Mark, watching Teddy laughing away as all these faces smiled at him. Mark put his arm around Seb, knowing his reservations regarding their son and racing.

“He’s alright,” he observed quietly.

“I know.”

“At least if he bashes something in there it’s not on your car.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and nodded. Then he spotted both his bosses walking into the garage. Mark saw them too. The divergence in their expressions when they took in the scene was comical: Christian looked delighted to see his godson visiting, whilst Helmut’s mouth went into a thin line.

“Uh-oh,” whispered Mark. “Trouble at six-o’clock.”

“Mm.” Sebastian stepped forwards. “Right Teddybär, think Daddy needs to take you back now.”

“Awww,” sighed Daniel with all the pouting of a child denied his playtime.

“Sorry mate,” apologised Mark as he took Teddy from Seb.

 

The two RedBull bosses came over, Christian smiling and reaching to chub Teddy’s cheek.

“Hello young man. Come to check how we’re getting on?”

“Ah we’re only making a quick stop,” assured Mark.

“Mark’s going to take him back to the hotel,” explained Seb.

“Hmm,” added Helmut dourly, “some of us have work to do.”

Mark sent him a look, quite tempted to stay another half hour merely to piss him off. Every single other member of the team was unfailingly welcoming to them, but Dr Marko was like a dark cloud hoving into view. He noticed all the team had hurriedly returned to what they were doing previously, avoiding eye-contact with Helmut.

“Ah no rush,” assured Christian, either oblivious to his colleague’s attitude, or more likely deliberately needling him.

“That’s alright,” allowed Mark. “He needs his milk soon. Best we get back.”

“I won’t be late,” promised Seb. “Just a bit more prep and then I’ll catch you up.”

“Sure.”

“Before you put him down hopefully.”

Mark nodded, then kissed Seb’s cheek once more.

“Don’t work too hard.”

He caught Helmut’s eye wondering how he could still look uncomfortable to see such an innocent sign of affection between them after all this time.

“Christian, good to see you mate.”

“And you. Bye Teddy.”

“Say bye to Uncle Christian,” prompted Mark. “Bye bye.”

“Bah,” managed Teddy.

“Ooh there’s something new.”

“Yep, been working on that haven’t we kiddo?”

“Where’s my bye?” complained Dan.

Mark shook his head, now encouraging his son to say bye, or at least the nearest he could manage, to everyone. That done he hitched Teddy up in his arms and looked back to Seb.

 

“Right sweetheart, see you later then.”

“Yeah okay, sorry.”

“No it’s fine. Bye to Papa darling.”

“Bah.”

“Bye Schatz.”

Sebastian waved, but now Teddy reached out to him.

“Papa!”

“No darling we’ve got to go.”

“Papa!”

Mark sighed and took a step away, seeing Seb worrying.

“It’s fine.”

“I’ll be back as soon as I can Teddy.”

“ _Papa_.”

Mark shook his head.

“He doesn’t understand darling. We’ll go. Don’t worry, okay?”

“Okay,” accepted Seb, though he didn’t like the way Teddy’s lip was now wobbling.

“You can come back tomorrow,” assured Christian. “Hm? Come again tomorrow Teddy.”

“Pah-pah!”

“Oh lord. Right. Later,” hurried Mark.

 

He gave Sebastian a reassuring nod and tried turning their son away so he couldn't see his papa, but Teddy struggled in his arms, fighting to turn back and calling out for him. Mark could do nothing but ignore it and walk away, but as they approached the doorway to the rear of the garage Teddy started howling.

“No place for a child,” huffed Dr Marko in the background.

Mark set his jaw thinking what an old misery guts he was. Admittedly a crying child wasn’t exactly conducive to work, but he’d checked the team wasn’t busy and it was safe to bring Teddy down for five minutes before he’d come. _Arsehole_ , thought Mark, considering taking his time putting Teddy in his buggy, just to annoy Helmut. That wasn’t fair on either Teddy or Seb though. If Seb could hear his son in distress it would upset him as well as making him feel more guilty for working late.

“C’mon mate, Papa’ll see us soon. Let’s go.”

He placed the wailing baby into his seat and handed him his toy dinosaur to cry into before putting the cover back over. Teddy would calm down once his papa was out of sight hopefully. He’d take him back to their hotel, give him a bath and a feed and hope Seb made it back for story-time to cheer both of them up.

“Right mate, full wets conditions out there,” explained Mark to his son.

He picked up his umbrella, ready to pop it open as soon as they stepped out, then prepared to push the buggy one-handed.

“Okay, let’s race back to the base then. Vroom, vroom time Teddy.”

Mark set off, head ducked against the piling rain, racing back though the puddles the way he’d come.

 

 

As the sound of crying baby faded, Sebastian sighed and turned back to look at what they’d been doing on the car.

“Alright?” checked Mike.

“Yeah.”

Mike nodded.

“Mine were like that whenever I went away when they were little. Broke my heart each time.”

“Mm.”

Mike shrugged.

“Apparently five minutes later they’d gone back to playing with their toys, forgotten all about me according to the wife.”

Sebastian nodded, knowing he was trying to sympathise. Unfortunately the idea of Teddy forgetting him because Seb wasn’t there only made him feel worse. He hid a sigh and internally took a deep breath. _Focus_. Then he could get this done as quickly as possible to dash back to join his family as soon as possible. At least they were here this weekend.

 

 

 

As they sat on the bed in their hotel room watching their son fall asleep in his travel cot, Seb leaned into Mark.

“Liebling.”

“Mm?”

“Do you think it’s bad for him, making him go through me coming and going like this?”

Mark sighed. They’d already discussed him going back to racing the following year, but as usual Seb found a way to worry about himself being the problem.

“No sweetheart, most kids have parents who work, one or both. I’m pretty sure most of them cry when they go off for the day. It’s just the way of things. He was fine once we got back to the base.”

“I guess.”

“You don’t need to feel guilty about it.”

“I guess.”

Mark smiled and rubbed over Seb’s arm, knowing that meant he still did.

“He’s fine darling.”

“Mm.”

“Are you worrying that it’ll be too much next year?”

Sebastian looked up to Mark.

“What? No Liebling I didn’t mean you. Of course you should race.”

“I don’t want to do it if it’s going to cause problems.”

“No Mark that’s not fair on you. You already gave up racing this year.”

“I don’t regret it.”

“I didn’t mean that.”

Mark sighed.

“I know,” he reassured.

“I just wish things could be simpler. If I only had the same number of races as you that would be so much better,” asserted Seb.

“Yeah, ‘fraid that’s not how it works sweetheart.”

“I wish it was.”

Mark nodded, trying to think of a way to pick Seb up.

“Which would you choose?”

“Hmm?”

“Which races? If you only had to do say eight races a year.”

“Oh.” Seb frowned a little as he thought. “Well, Silverstone obviously.”

“Obviously. Very handy.”

“Exactly, so for that reason, though it’s a good track too, then Australia and Germany for family.”

“Sure.”

“Um, Spa, Monza… how many am I up to?”

Mark was distracted by Seb including Monza without a second thought. It was a good track though to be fair, so he nodded.

“Erm, five.”

“Right, um,” Seb pondered. “Suzuka’s a great track.”

“Good call.”

“Yeah. Um… Oh Monaco.”

“Really?”

“Why not?”

“Just you always say it’s a bit mad,” pointed out Mark.

“Well all around it is, but the race itself. I like the challenge.”

“Course. Okay, so we’re up to seven. One more pick.”

“Hmm. Here I think.”

Mark nodded slowly and Seb frowned a little.

“Why not here?” he questioned. “Sao Paulo’s a classic track.”

“Sure. I just…” Mark shook his head. “I dunno, sorry sweetheart. I just thought.” He shrugged. “Associations.”

“Oh.” Sebastian squished his face about, then shrugged in reply. “We’re not staying in the same place.”

“No that’s true.” Mark gave another little shake of his head, then smoothed over Seb’s arm. “You’re very good at compartmentalizing darling.”

 

Seb stared at the far wall for a moment and Mark worried that he’d put his foot in it.

“Sorry,” he apologised. “I shouldn’t…”

Seb looked back to him and shrugged again.

“I have to be.”

“Yeah.”

Seb shrugged once more and Mark knew that was a bad sign.

“Sweetheart.”

“I wouldn't be able to go anywhere really if I thought about stuff,” he admitted.

Mark opened his mouth trying to think what to say.

“I guess Mexico wasn’t on the calendar back then,” pushed on Seb. “Other than that. I mean, I just can’t think about past associations, bad memories and stuff in places, things that happened.”

 

He shrugged again, that reflex he couldn’t stop projecting. Always instinctively trying to say he was fine, when it in fact told Mark he wasn’t.

“Sweetheart I’m sorry. You know what a galumphing mouth I have on me.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“It’s okay.”

“I was trying to cheer you up.”

“I know.”

“Bang up job as usual.”

Sebastian shook his head and leaned in.

“No Liebling it’s okay. Maybe it’s the rain?”

“The rain?” frowned Mark, wondering what unpleasant association rain here could hold.

“It’s not very cheery is it?”

Mark accidentally laughed at it being something so simple. He couldn't help but expect the worst with Seb.

“Guess not darling. Ah well. You’re good in the rain.”

Seb gave him a half smile.

“Thanks.”

He rested his head down on Mark’s shoulder, tipping it up to look at him.

“I’m sorry Liebling, I always bring things down.”

“No you don’t.”

Seb raised an eyebrow, but Mark shook his head.

“You don’t,” insisted Mark. “I shouldn’t have brought stuff up.”

“It’s okay.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah. It’s okay Liebling. I just don’t think about things when I’m at races, or I try not to. I’m probably weird.”

“Uh, no you are not. Don’t say that.”

“Hmm.”

 

Mark shook his head.

“It’s been a long day and you’ve had to work hard in rotten conditions. Getting to the end of the season and all that too.”

“Yeah I guess. I’m very glad you’re here.”

“Me too sweetheart.”

“We’ll be alright next year,” asserted Sebastian. “We’ll just… I don’t know, we’ll just manage.”

“Sure.”

“You deserve the chance to race again Liebling. You’ve got so much to give.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“I’m no spring chicken.”

“Rubbish.”

Mark looked at him, but Seb just pouted back and he had to relent when the truth was a part of him did want to prove to himself that he wasn’t as past it as the term ‘retired’ implied.

“Okay well, I suppose I’m not entirely decrepit just yet. It’ll do me good to get properly back into training and I admit I’ll enjoy getting stuck in with the team again.”

“Course you will. I’m sure they’ve missed you.”

“I guess Andreas was pretty positive when I spoke to him.”

“Of course he was. And I’m looking forward to watching you race again.”

“Are you?”

“Of course.”

“I thought you hated it?”

“I don’t hate it,” insisted Seb. “I get nervous, sure, but I love watching you win. You’re amazing.”

“Ha!”

Sebastian sat up to look at him.

“You are. You’re still the reigning world champion.”

“For a couple more weeks.”

“So? When you go back you can win it again. And you’ve won Le Mans twice.”

“Mm.”

“Just think how proud Teddy will be when he watches his daddy race.”

Mark shook his head thinking that was like a reverse version of emotional blackmail.

“As proud as I am when I watch you,” continued Sebastian.

Mark laughed and gave Seb a kiss.

“Alright sweetheart. You’re right as ever. We’ll muddle through.”

“We can sit down when we get home and go over the diary again. Speak to my mum.”

“You think she’ll mind?”

“I think she’ll volunteer to do it every weekend if we wanted it.”

“Ha, yeah true, my mum’d be the same if she was closer. Actually if we ever got really stuck I know she’d come over.”

“Long way.”

“I know, but if need be.”

“Yeah.” Seb let out a little sigh. “Makes me think about Christmas again.”

 

Mark resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Something else for Seb to fret about.

“Darling we’ve talked about this.”

“I know, but it just seems like we’re going to be letting one side of the family down whatever we do.”

Mark sighed.

“Well… I dunno.”

“We’ve been to mine several times now.”

“Yeah. Heck of a long way to go to Oz for a few days though.”

“Well maybe we could stay longer?”

“Ah I dunno. Let’s not worry about it now.”

“We have to decide at some point.”

“I know, but not now.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian gazed at their sleeping son, so peaceful and untroubled.

“It shouldn’t be something we stress about,” asserted Mark.

“I know.”

Mark nodded. Seb adored Christmas. It was pretty much the highlight of his year; far from the strains of racing. Now new stresses were invading it. That didn’t seem right. Mark wanted his husband to enjoy it the way he should, getting the longed for time with their son and making the most of his first Christmas. Of course their families wanted that too and meant no harm, but somehow they still managed to complicate things.

“We’ll work something out,” he assured.

Seb nodded.

“I could just do with things being simple for once.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“I think we’re owed that darling. C’mon, let’s go through and order ourselves up some grub, yeah?”

“Yeah I’m starving.”

They stood, Mark keeping his arm around Seb as they walked over to the partition doors so they could separate off the bedroom area from the living area to allow their son to sleep. At least dinner could be uncomplicated.

 

 

 

The following night Sebastian succeeded in getting back before Mark had given Teddy his bath. The rain had relented, giving him the chance to bag a decent third place on the grid for the race, so he’d left the team in optimistic mood when he had made his excuses and escaped for the evening. Once both parents had enjoyed entertaining their son with his toys in the bath, Seb lifted him out to pass into the waiting towel Mark held ready to wrap around him.

“There we go, get you all nice and dry buba.”

“Buh.”

“Yep.”

Seb helped by getting a smaller towel to dry the increasing amount of blonde hair on their son’s head. That done he went to fetch a clean nappy and Teddy’s night babygro so they could redress him and take him back through. Mark was about to suggest a story, but Teddy seemed perversely full of energy, struggling from his arms to be let down to crawl around on the floor.

“Full of beans.”

Sebastian knelt by Teddy and shook his head.

“It’s only late afternoon to him.”

Mark nodded and came to join them.

“Yeah guess so. C’mere buddy.”

He reached to take hold of Teddy, lifting him to stand facing Seb.

“Shall we play a game kiddo? Hm? Can you walk to Papa?”

 

They’d been trying this more and more at home, attempting to teach their son to walk by taking less and less hold of him. Mark supported Teddy under the arms to get him to toddle a few steps until Seb could take over, turning him around to try it the other way. Then Mark stood and tried taking Teddy’s little hands to support him that way. Only a month ago they’d had to entirely lift their son to do this, but now Teddy moved his own legs, uncertainly and with his parents taking his weight, but it was an improvement nonetheless.

“Yeah that’s it,” he encouraged as Teddy managed a few wobbly steps before tumbling into Seb’s arms.

“I’ve got you Liebling,” assured Sebastian giving his son a smile. “Well done Schatz.”

“Gonna try again bud?”

They took turns holding Teddy up or be there to catch him, then as Teddy seemed to be enjoying himself Seb and Mark both stood and tried toddling him about the floor with them both holding a hand. It worked well enough until Teddy veered forwards and cried as he felt his arms pulled as his parents tried to stop him landing face first.

“Oh dear, never mind,” soothed Mark as he picked him up.

“You did really well Teddybär.”

“Yeah you did.”

Teddy pouted and leaned into Mark’s shoulder as Seb stroked over their son’s back while he quieted.

“Maybe he’s ready for a story?”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Bit tired now.”

Sebastian picked out a story book from the selection they had brought, then piled the pillows by the headboard on the bed so they could sit there together. Mark shuffled up so they pressed in, holding Teddy so he leaned into both of them while Sebastian read, taking his turn to lean his head down on Seb’s shoulder. The simple pleasures in life. This was all they wanted. They had to find ways make more, not less of them.

 

 

 

After the race Mark switched off the TV as soon as he had seen Seb’s interview in the pen. He looked to Teddy sat on the floor playing with his toys.

“That was Papa darling.”

Teddy looked at him, then returned his attention to the toy dogs they had bought him. Mark smiled as he watched his son clumsily try to stroke them the same way he did their larger counterparts back home. Teddy wasn’t bothered what his father had to say about the race and Mark wasn’t sure he wanted their son watching as he did to see the masked disappointment on Seb’s face at his fifth place after a torrid race.

The weather was vile today, even worse than previously, and whilst Mark could understand the presenters’ enthusiasm for an eventful day, he couldn’t share their attitude when his husband had been caught out in the chaos. Right there where so many years ago Mark had literally run into trouble by hitting debris and crashing out, Seb too had gone over the detritus left from another's failure and come to grief. Luckily all it had done to Seb was cause him a slow puncture, but the extra pitstop required had thrown away his solid third place far too late to even attempt to reclaim it.

Mark slid off the bed to sit on the floor with his son.

“What can you do mate, eh? Papa tried his best.”

Mark stroked the soft toys, showing Teddy how to do it. Then he saw the way Teddy was looking at him and stroked over his round cheek instead.

“That’s all anyone can ask of you sweetheart: You try your best. Papa always tries his best. It doesn’t always work though, so we’ll give him big hugs to cheer him up, then go home, yeah? Good lad.”

“Guh.”

“Yeah mate, good boy. Papa will be wanting to see you, but he has to work a bit more first. Few more interviews and that before he can sneak back here where he’d like to be.”

 

Teddy reached out his arms so Mark took hold of him, then as Teddy instead of going in for a hug, put his feet on the floor, Mark guessed what he wanted.

“Shall we play the walking game again then?” he proposed.

Mark knelt higher, first helping his son take a few steps with him holding under his arms, then standing to walk him about a bit by holding his hands.

“Yeah mate, getting much better at this. Daddy and Papa are gonna have to batten down the hatches at home once you get going aren’t we?”

Teddy angled his head to look up at him.

“Dada.”

“Yes?”

Teddy startled burbling away and all Mark could do was smile, some sounds seemed familiar, but he had no clue what his son was trying to say. He knelt back down to face him.

“Whatcha saying fella, eh? What are you trying to tell Daddy?”

Teddy patted his face as Mark held him stood in front.

“Gah, bagahba dada.”

“Uh-huh,” nodded Mark. “Something for Dada?”

“Dah, Papa!”

Teddy gurgled and laughed before sitting down with a bump. Mark was all prepared to scoop him in, expecting tears at the landing, but Teddy merely laughed again.

“Guh Dada.”

“Good? Good for Dada? You’re a good boy for Dada?”

“Guh Dada Papa.”

Mark laughed and shook his head, still struggling to follow him.

“Good for Daddy and Papa? Yes you are. Ah sweetheart you’re trying so hard aren’t you? Silly Daddy not understanding.”

Teddy bounced where he sat, then held out his arms expectantly to his father.

“Right, back in business are we? Okay mate.”

 

Mark lifted him to stand again, walking on his knees to stay low enough to support his son. Teddy seemed to be improving all the time so Mark took a risk and loosened his hold, letting it get lighter and lighter until his hands were merely resting under Teddy’s arms barely taking any weight at all. Then as they turned around to head back to where the toys were left Mark moved his hands a fraction lower so he wasn’t actually touching his son at all or taking his weight. Teddy didn’t seem to notice, continuing on track to wobble forwards on unsteady legs another two steps before his body, if not his mind, appreciated that his father was no longer supporting him and he toppled forwards.

“Oopsa-daisy!”

Hands already in place, Mark grabbed hold of him before Teddy landed and swung him up, turning him to face him before Teddy even had time to realise something had gone wrong.

“That was amazing Teddy! You walked!” exclaimed Mark.

“Dada.”

“Yeah. Wow little man you’re really going for it now. That was awesome.”

Mark pulled Teddy in to give him a kiss and a cuddle, his son hardly seeming to know what the fuss was about.

 

Only a minute later the door swung open, Mark looking up to see Sebastian walking in.

“Hey sweetheart guess what? He walked on his own.”

“What?”

“Teddy. He walked. I mean I had my hands there, but I wasn’t holding him. He really walked on his own for a couple of steps.”

“Oh.”

Seb had been all set to launch into an unfiltered complaint about how his day had gone to hell and he was wet and thoroughly pissed off, when he saw the delighted look on his husband's face and knew he couldn't ruin this moment.

“Wow, that’s great.”

Mark stood holding Teddy, coming to stand by him.

“Oh sweetheart sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

Sebastian was about to say how it was only a race after all and it could have gone far worse, as indeed it had for many who had DNF’d in these tough conditions, when Mark swept on.

“I know you’d like to have been here for it. I mean it probably doesn’t count as proper walking seeing as I had my hands there and it wasn’t far, just a step or two really, but…”

Seb nearly laughed. He knew Mark’s priorities were right though.

“That’s really great. Well done Teddybär.”

“Do you want to see?”

“Um, can I just get this off?”

“Oh, course.”

 

Sebastian hauled his wet race-suit off, then sat on the bed for a moment in his race underwear. It was somewhat damp too, but Seb thought a few minutes with his family would do him more good than a shower right now. He came to kneel on the floor with them. Mark let Teddy play and put an arm around Seb.

“I haven’t even said; I’m sorry sweetheart, that was rotten luck in the race today.”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Thanks.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“Not much to be said.”

“Sucks though.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh.

“Yeah it really does. Could have been worse I suppose. At least I got round to the pits so I could finish the race.”

“I’m very glad it wasn’t worse.”

Sebastian looked to Mark, knowing how true that was and nodded, knowing he felt it just as much as him.

“I know. Ah well.” He took a deep breath. “Right, Teddybär are you going to show me what you can do?”

Mark scooped Teddy up.

“He only really took a step or so, but he’s def getting better, aren’tcha mate? Can you show Papa? Hm? Let’s have a try.”

He looked to Seb as he stood Teddy up to face him, shuffling a few feet away from him.

“If we try building up a bit?”

“Sure.”

“Right then. Let’s give it a whirl then.”

 

Mark held under Teddy’s arms to walk him to Seb, then Seb did the same back to Mark, both of them encouraging their son, telling him how well he was doing. Then Mark did another attempt with his grip loosened, before trying again, setting Teddy off to Seb but this time with his hands not actually holding Teddy up. He gave Seb a wink and mouthed to say ‘here we go.” Sebastian smiled broadly and held his hands out to their son.

“Hey Teddybär, come to Papa.”

“That’s it,” chimed Mark as Teddy shakily set one leg forwards. “Go on Teddy, go to Papa.”

“Papa.”

“Come on Schatz, come to me.”

Teddy set another wobbly leg forth, then as he began to tip forwards both parents went to catch him only for Teddy to almost run a couple of toddling steps before falling into Seb’s arms.

“Oh wow! Teddy you did it!” exclaimed Seb lifting him up before lowering him to give him a kiss.

Mark was beside them again, leaning in to kiss Teddy too.

“You really went for it that time kiddo. Yeah. Great stuff.”

“Aren’t you clever Kleiner?” Seb praised.

Teddy smiled to match his parents’ faces, then clapped his hands making them laugh.

“Yes well done,” agreed Seb. “Oh I want to give you a big hug but I’m all damp.”

“Ah he’ll survive,” encouraged Mark.

Sebastian smiled and gave Teddy a brief hug before setting him to sit facing both of them.

 

“You were so much better this time,” asserted Mark. “Miles better for Papa.”

Seb sent him a look, knowing Mark wasn’t wanting him to feel he had missed out earlier.

“He was though,” insisted Mark. “That definitely counts more. I wasn’t holding him at all then and he did loads more steps.”

“Before he fell over.”

“Ah but he didn’t cos you caught him.”

Sebastian laughed.

“I guess. Well done anyway Teddy. Good boy.”

“Guh,” echoed Teddy.

Mark flicked his eyebrows at his husband.

“We’ve been working on that too. Good boy Teddy.”

Teddy clapped himself again, so his parents did the same, making him laugh and bounce excitedly on his behind. Sebastian sighed and looked to Mark.

“I really need to go shower.”

“Yeah you do sweetheart. Don’t go getting cold and making yourself ill.”

“’kay.”

 

Seb reached to stroke over Teddy’s arm, then stood up. Mark picked Teddy up and gave him a hug on his behalf.

“Well done darling. Saved that for Papa didn’t you.”

Sebastian laughed, but Mark shook his head.

“He did. Just had a little practise run with me before the real show.”

“Course. Well, thanks Lieblinge. Won’t be a sec.”

 

A couple of minutes later Seb was showered and dressed, back sat on the floor of his room with his family.

“Feel better?” checked Mark.

Sebastian nodded. A warm shower didn’t undo a crappy race, but it made him feel physically better whilst at the same time giving him time to contemplate how little that really mattered.

“Good.” Mark leaned into his husband and Seb gave him a sympathetic smile. “I know today didn’t turn out how you hoped.”

Seb shook his head.

“I didn’t expect Teddy to walk today.”

“Ha, that’s true. The race though?”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s done Liebling. I’m so glad you guys are here to remind me what does matter.”

“Me too sweetheart. Aren’t we kiddo? Very glad we’re here with Papa.”

“Papa,” echoed Teddy on cue.

 

Sebastian smiled as Mark picked their son up, holding him so he could hug both of them in. Teddy leaned into him, then sent his arms around Seb’s neck. Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut as he was hit by an unexpected wave of emotion. He felt Mark’s hand rub over his back and looked to him.

“You okay?” Mark asked quietly.

Seb nodded, but he saw the way Mark looked at him and knew he could never hide how he felt from him.

“I just… It’s disappointing, that’s all. It’s only racing. I know that. It’s not important.”

Mark nodded back, smoothing over Seb’s back once more.

“It’s okay to be disappointed darling. It’s okay to care about it. You were going so well.”

“Yeah.”

“You have to care to race. We’re racers Seb, it’s in our blood.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded again.

“Sorry Liebling it just hit me. It doesn’t mean this isn’t more important. This makes me feel so much better.”

“Good. Still okay to be bothered by the race though,” insisted Mark, thinking about how Seb’s tendency to repress emotion could be so damaging.

Seb puffed a breath.

“I guess I’m just tired.”

“Mm, and having to front up for the press.”

“Yeah.”

 

The looked into one another's eyes and Mark nodded again, knowing how Seb’s ability to make such a performance for the media look easy actually cost him.

“It’s okay for this to matter too darling. Alright?”

“Yep.” Seb took another deep breath. “Okay, I’m putting it behind me.”

Mark nodded.

“Alright, but if you want to talk later, on the flight or whatever we can, yeah?”

“Yes. Thank you Liebling.”

Mark put his hand further round to give Seb another hug and Seb leaned into him for a moment, resting his head by Mark’s before turning it to kiss his cheek. They looked at one another again, then Seb nodded, telling Mark without saying anything that things were better.

“I’m very lucky to have a husband who really understands,” praised Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh and squeezed him in.

“Ditto.”

“Ha, yeah guess so.”

“Perfect match.”

“Yeah.”

 

Mark leaned in to rub his nose against Seb’s, then gave him a proper kiss on the lips. Seb smiled at him, feeling lighter for being able to say how he felt. Then he looked to Teddy who sat watching his parents.

“You’re quiet now Liebling.”

Mark stroked over Teddy’s arm with his spare hand.

“Worn yourself out with your efforts.”

“Mm. Ah well, we’ll have lots of nice time at home after this.”

“Good stuff.”

Seb kissed Teddy’s cheek and gave him a cuddle before handing him to Mark.

“I’d better get on. Quick I do, quicker we go.”

“Sure.”

“I shouldn’t be too long. I’ve said I’ll go in to the factory during the week. You don’t mind do you?”

“Course not.”

“Thanks.” Sebastian sat away and began to stand, Mark copying him as he hitched Teddy up. “I’m really looking forward to the break now.”

“Me too darling. Nearly there.”

“Nearly there,” agreed Seb. “Okay. I’ll be quick as I can.”

“Righto. I’ll have all our stuff sorted ready to go.”

“Thanks. Back soon.”

“No prob.” Mark hitched Teddy higher. “Bye for now Papa. Love you.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Love you too.”

“Bye Papa,” prompted Mark giving Teddy an encouraging look. “Bye.”

“Bah.”

“Thanks. See you in a bit.”

Sebastian made a quick exit so Teddy had no time to get upset at him going again and Mark quickly found something to keep him occupied with while Seb finished up for the day. Seb would far rather have left immediately to head straight home, but they knew how this worked. One more race then the break. Christmas too, which cheered him up even if it wasn’t sorted yet. Whatever they ended up doing Seb knew he would have Mark and Teddy with him, so it would be okay. As he walked off to resume his duties at least the smile on his face was a genuine one.

 

 

 

 

 

Once back home Sebastian had no desire to allow lingering regrets about the race spoil his time with his family. They continued trying to help their son with his development, talking and reading to him and doing their best to interpret the noises Teddy made in reply as well as trying to encourage his attempts to walk. When Seb’s mother rang, enquiring once again about their plans for Christmas, Mark could see how awkward Seb looked and thought of a way to change the subject that was bound to distract Heike.

“Oh hey, did we tell you that Teddy’s almost walking now?” he interceded.

“Oh?”

“Well sort of,” amended Sebastian. “He kind of stays up for a second before one of us catches him.”

“Yeah but he’s taking steps. Do you want to see Heike?”

There was of course only one answer to that question, so Mark propped up the iPad they were using for the video call, then he and Seb demonstrated, letting their son take a couple of tottering steps back and forth between them, crashing into whoever he faced before being turned and helped off again. All this was naturally to his grandmother’s delight, so they did it a couple of times before Teddy grew tired of the game and sat himself into Seb.

“That’s wonderful Teddy,” she praised.

Teddy wasn’t really looking into the camera so Seb tried turning him.

“Your oma’s really impressed Schatz.”

“I am,” she agreed. “Very impressed. Especially when he was premature.”

Sebastian instinctively hugged his son a little closer, not wanting to think of him having any disadvantages in life.

“Ah he’s nearly eleven months now,” argued Mark. “I think that stuff evens out as you go on.”

“Mm I suppose.”

“Well all kids develop at different rates for different stuff don’t they?”

“Of course. I look forwards to seeing it for myself soon hopefully.”

Sebastian hid a sigh, but Mark saw it.

“Mm, well we’ll sort stuff all out soon. Can’t wait for the break can we darling?”

“No,” concurred Seb.

“And we’ve so much on this week while Seb’s home. Taking Teddy to baby group on Thursday aren’t we?”

“Yeah. Um, he’s looking tired Mum. I’m sorry, I think we should put him down for his nap before he gets all cranky.”

“Oh of course.”

“Sorry.”

“No no, been busy hasn’t he?”

“Been doing lots of training,” added Mark.

Seb rolled his eyes.

“Training.”

“Well it is, kinda. Anyway Heike, lovely to talk to you. Say hi to the rest won’t you?”

“Yes, your father will be sorry to have missed you.”

“We’ll call again soon,” assured Seb.

“It’s so quiet here now your little brother is away at university,” bemoaned his mother. “I hardly know what to do with myself. Such a shame you don’t live closer. I’d be only to happy to help out more.”

“That’s very kind of you,” intervened Mark. “And we really appreciate your offer to look after Teddy next year if need be.”

“I’ll be glad to.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes, thanks Mum,” concurred Seb.

“It goes so fast,” she sighed.

 

Sebastian sent his husband a sideways glance. So much for escaping the emotional blackmail.

“Seems no time since Fabian was tiny and now he’s grown. I feel so old.”

“Oh Mum.”

“You’re no age,” assured Mark.

“Hmm. Well I shouldn’t keep you. Do call though, your little brother rang last night and I swear he was more excited about seeing you than being home for Christmas.”

Seb nodded awkwardly. His brother had rung them last night too, mostly to complain that if he didn’t call home every couple of days their mother assumed something terrible had happened when all it meant was he had a hangover from the student bar.

“I’m sure he’s looking forward to being looked after, asserted Mark.

“Probably just bringing me home all his washing.”

“Ha, no doubt. Well we’ll speak soon. Take care. Say bye Teddy.”

Sebastian focussed on their son again to distract both himself and his mother. He switched to English seeing as their son had less German even as far as sounds went.

“Say bye. Bye-bye.”

Both parents mouthed the words to their son and Teddy lifted his head enough to copy them.

“Bah.”

“Oh good boy,” exclaimed Heike.

“Isn’t he?” agreed Mark. “Bye then.”

“Bye. Bye-bye Teddy.”

“Bye Mum, love you.”

“Love you all.”

“Right back atcha,” finished Mark, going to end the call before this dragged out until tea-time.

 

As the screen went blank Mark switched the iPad off altogether, placing it face down on the coffee table before putting his arm around Seb.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

Mark raised an eyebrow and Seb puffed a long breath.

“What are we gonna do?”

“Darling we went though this with my lot the other night. I swear mothers go to guilt-trip training.”

“I just… It should be your turn.”

“My turn?”

“For us to go to your family for Christmas.”

“Mm.”

Seb looked down at their son in his arms. Was it so wrong that all he wanted was to spend Christmas peacefully at home with just his husband and child?

“I don’t want to feel selfish about it,” he admitted.

“It’s not selfish darling. What do you really want to do?”

“I do want to see people. Our families.”

“Okay, but?”

“I feel like we’ll be disappointing one or the other.”

“They’ll get over it. It’s not like we only get one Christmas. We’ve got years to come. Lots of years.”

“I know.”

Sebastian sighed and leaned his head by Mark’s so Mark put his arm around him.

“It’ll be alright.”

“Hmm.”

“C’mon, he really is looking tired sweetheart. Let’s take him up.”

 

Sebastian nodded and allowed Mark to help him stand whilst holding their son. As they went through and Mark undid the safety gates to allow them upstairs, Teddy leaned his head onto Seb’s shoulder, plainly ready for a good nap. Once laid in his cot Mark collected the monitor and returned to Seb stood watching their son drop off.

“Think he’ll be a while. Why don’t we put on film and have a nice snuggle up on the sofa?”

Seb turned and smiled.

“That sounds nice.”

“Great. You pick.”

“Disney?”

“Why not? Something jolly.”

Seb nodded and they went back down to work on a little more denial at the calendar’s relentless march on.

 

 

 

 

The next day Seb left early for his day in the factory, buoyed by the knowledge that he was preparing for the last race of the season. Mark therefore had been up quite a while by the time Pauline arrived as usual. Teddy sat in his high-chair while Mark had been filling the dishwasher. As Mark gave the chair another wipe down Pauline entered the kitchen, the dogs trotting after her having gone to meet her at the door.

“Hey,” greeted Mark.

“Hello.”

“You just missed feeding time at the zoo.”

Pauline laughed and came to touch Teddy’s cheek.

“Poor little thing. I’m sure you’re doing your best.”

“Doing his best to get things everywhere, that’s for sure.”

Pauline shook her head and picked up the cloth Mark had put back on the sink to wipe the side of the chair.

“Missed a bit.”

Mark laughed.

“Where would we be without Auntie Pauline?”

Teddy babbled something in response, then shook his toy about, bashing it into the little tray table.

“I filled the dishwasher, but I’ve not put it on yet,” commented Mark.

Pauline gave him a look so Mark just shrugged, knowing she always ticked him off for doing things she regarded as her job.

“Cup of tea?” he offered.

“Um.”

“I was just about to make one for myself.”

Pauline smiled.

“Well, thank you then. Actually, if you’ve got a moment I could do with having a chat.”

“Oh?”

“Is Seb about?”

“He’s in the factory today.”

“Ah right.”

Pauline paused and Mark frowned.

“Is everything okay?”

“Oh yes dear nothing serious. I just needed a word about something.”

“Ah okay, well have a seat, I’ll just stick the kettle on.”

 

Mark filled the kettle and set it to boil, popping teabags in the pot and taking a couple of mugs from the cupboard. When he turned around he saw how Pauline was fussing over Teddy so he lifted him out of thhise chair.

“Why don’t you just have a sit with Auntie Pauline buddy?”

Pauline happily accepted the little boy while Mark made the tea and came to sit with them back at the table. Pauline took a sip of her drink then pushed the mug out of Teddy’s reach.

“So,” prompted Mark. “What was it you needed to speak to us about?”

“Well, um, so as you know our son Tom lives in Canada,” began Pauline.

“Uh-huh. Everything’s alright with him?”

“Oh yes fine. The thing is he rang last night about our plans for Christmas and New Year.”

“Ah, hm, we were discussing much the same topic ourselves.”

Pauline looked awkward, then as Teddy flailed his arm around with his toy she was distracted, resitting him sideways to make sure he waved it away from her face.

“Normally we go out there for New Year,” she continued. “But the thing is, this year he has to work. Well not precisely on New Year’s day, but straight after. There’s a new project he’s working on and… well you don’t care about that, but the thing is, he’s asked if we can go out earlier this year for Christmas itself.”

“Oh I see.”

“Normally they’re at his wife, Ida’s, but this year her parents are going to her sister's and, well anyway, it’s all a bit complicated.”

“I know what that’s like,” sympathised Mark.

“I hate to let you down.”

“Oh no Pauline don’t worry about us.”

“But I normally look after the dogs and the house while you’re away.”

“Well…” Mark shrugged. “The house looks after itself and these boys, well I guess there’s kennels, or dog-sitters.”

 

Shadow and Simba were pressing into him, so Mark gave them a stroke, wondering if they understood what he was talking about.

“I feel so bad about,” confessed Pauline. “I like to think you can always rely on me.”

Mark looked up from the dogs.

“Ah now come on. We’d be lost without you. Wouldn't we Teddy?”

“I feel worse now. Maybe I should tell him we can’t do it?”

Mark tsk’d and shook his head.

“Don’t be daft. Of course you’re going. When was the last time you got to have Christmas with your son?”

“Well…”

“We’ll manage. You’re not to worry about us.” Mark looked at her firmly. “Okay?”

“If you’re sure.”

“Of course I’m sure. And Seb would say the same. In fact he’s already said we should get the tickets for you to go out there.”

“You don’t need to.”

“It’s our Christmas present.”

Pauline shook her head.

“You’re too kind.”

“Compared to all you do for us Pauline, it’s nothing. We could send you in our plane.”

Pauline opened her mouth, then laughed.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“We use it all the time.”

“Because you need to dash about. No we’re definitely not doing that. I wouldn't know what to do with myself on a private plane.”

Mark smiled.

“Well alright, but you’ll accept the tickets?”

“It’s very generous of you.”

 

Mark sat back a little, glad that she had accepted. He knew that would please Seb. They could get Pauline and her husband first class tickets as a treat at least, no need to mention that until they’d given them to her. He gave the dogs another stroke, thinking what Seb would think about all this. He wouldn't much like the idea of their beloved boys being stuck in kennels or left with strangers. As Mark ruffled Simba’s fur he looked into those brown eyes and knew he wouldn't be happy abandoning them either. He looked up to Pauline.

“You know what Pauline, this might be a blessing in disguise.”

“Aren’t you going to Germany though? I assumed you would be.”

“Mm well there’s the rub.”

“Oh?”

“Strictly between us we’re in a bit of a sticky situation,” admitted Mark. “So um, don’t say anything when you see our folks in future, but Seb and I are between a rock and a hard place over Christmas this year.”

“How so?”

Mark smiled and nodded at Teddy.

“Cos of this little guy mostly. In a good way of course, but both mine and Seb’s folks want us to spend Christmas with them and in all honesty it’s starting to get a bit fraught.”

“Oh I see.”

“Not intentionally of course. They mean well we know.”

“I’m sure they want to spoil their grandson. I know I would.”

Mark nodded. It was hard to miss the tenderness with which Pauline cared for their son.

“Teddy’s very lucky,” he agreed. “Even got a bonus grandma haven’t you mate?”

“Ach you’ll be making me cry,” complained Pauline, though she was smiling.

“And it’s great, of course it is that everyone wants to see him.”

“You too I’m sure.”

“Mm, except, well, truth be told it’s turning into a bit of tug of war.”

“Ah.”

“So we’ve been putting off a decision on the whole business and, well I’ll have to discuss it with Seb of course, but… yeah… might not be the worst thing.”

 

Mark pondered for a moment, then Teddy shook his toy so hard he accidentally threw it half way across the kitchen so he jumped up to rescue it before the dogs could. As he handed it back to his son Teddy reached up to him.

“Dada.”

Pauline smiled.

“Wants his daddy.”

“C’mere then mate.”

Mark took the baby and sat down in the chair next to Pauline.

“We gonna go for a nice walk while we’ve got some sun? Hm? Leave Auntie Pauline in peace.”

“You’re sure it’s not going to be a problem me being away then?”

“Absolutely. You’re not to worry about it,” insisted Mark. “We’ll come up with a plan.”

“You’ll let me know though?”

“Of course and if you could let us know what flights you need booking?”

Pauline shook her head.

“You’re really too generous.”

“Bah.” Mark looked to Teddy. “Barely anything for all Auntie Pauline does to take care of is, isn’t it Teddy?”

“Bah,” echoed the baby, making both adults laugh.

“See. From the mouths of babes eh? Right, better get on then. Boys you stay here a mo while I find the carrier.”

“Shall I take him?”

“Sure.”

 

Mark passed Teddy back, then went to find their outdoor gear. Pulling on sturdy boots and winter coat he paused to open the front door. A fine day meant a fairly crisp one this early in the day in mid-November so Mark went to find Teddy’s new winter snowsuit before taking it through to dress his son it, Pauline helping him put the baby in the carrier now faced out for Teddy to see the world as they went.

“Pretty cold now, but I think it’ll be nice later,” commented Pauline.

“Well maybe we’ll take another walk when Seb gets in. Hopefully he’ll be back by three.”

“Oh that’s not so bad then.”

“No, hence going in early.”

“Of course. Well have a nice walk and thank you for being so understanding.”

“Psh, no worries, okay?”

“Okay. Guess I’ll get the hoovering done while you’re out then.”

“Thanks. See you in a bit then.”

Mark angled his head round to check on Teddy, then indicated out to the hall where the dogs excitedly ran as they realised it was walkies time.

 

 

 

Several hours later they were retreading the same path, only this time it was Seb who wore the baby carrier, his hand free to hold Mark’s as the dogs ran ahead of them up the path.

“So all in all a good day,” checked Mark seeing as they had rushed out as soon as Seb got home shortly after three to make the most of the remaining daylight.

“Yeah not bad. Lots of talk about next year already.”

“Blimey.”

“I know.” Sebastian smiled and shook his head. “I don’t really want to even think about that yet.”

“Nope. Ah well. Did you have a go in the sim?”

“Yep.”

“And?”

“It was fine Liebling. Nothing to write home about to be honest.”

“Fair enough. To be honest I always think Abu Dhabi’s pretty artificial anyway so the sim ought to be pretty accurate.”

“Ha, yeah.”

Mark smiled and gave him a wink.

“Get a bit of sun out there at least.”

“It’s been pretty nice here today.”

“That’s true.”

“I like the cold.”

Mark huffed a laugh. There was a bite in the air now and they were all muffled up in coats and hats, but Seb never failed to look less than appealing with pink cheeks and sparkling eyes in cold weather.

“Suits you sweetheart.”

Seb merely smiled in reply. To him the cold meant winter and winter meant the break: home with his loved ones, cuddling up with Mark in front of the fire, Christmas…

 

As they reached the top Mark helped Seb take Teddy out of the carrier to sit with them while the dogs ran around and as they took a moment, Mark decided now was a good time to bring something up.

“So Pauline was round earlier.”

Sebastian looked to him.

“Like always.”

“Ha, okay yeah, but she wanted to mention something. She was sorry to miss you, but I think she kind of needs to get it sorted.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

Mark explained the conversation he’d had earlier in the day, Seb nodding.

 

“Right.”

“So of course I told her she had to go.”

“Of course,” agreed Seb. “No that’s her family.”

“I knew you’d say that and actually I mentioned about us getting them the tickets again as our present.”

“Oh good, did she accept?”

“Ah well I blindsided her a bit. I offered her the plane instead.”

“Mark she’d never accept that.”

“No but the tickets were easier to say yes to instead after that.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head as he looked to Teddy.

“Sneaky Daddy.”

“Meh, means to an end. Anyway that bit’s easy.”

“We could get them first class, then it would be special for them.”

Mark chuckled.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“No darling it’s just that’s exactly what I thought.”

“Oh I see.”

“So, yep we’ll sort that. Now the trickier matter is what we do.”

“Mm.”

“So, of course there’s kennels and sitters and that for dogs...”

Sebastian scrunched his face.

“I don’t much like that idea.”

“Me either, but it’s a bit of a palaver trying to take them along.”

“I’m not sure there’d be room at my parents.”

“No, and Oz is no go, they’d be in quarantine longer then we’d be out there.”

“Mm.”

 

Right on cue the dogs ran up with a stick which Mark flung into the distance for them to chase.

“So I don’t know darling, but bad as it may sound I can’t help thinking this might be an opportunity for us.”

“To say we can’t go?”

“I know it doesn’t sound great.”

“Hmm.”

Seb stared out at the stripped countryside below, the bare trees and harvested fields. It wasn’t his native land, but it was home now and to his eyes, beautiful whatever the time of year.

“I mean I don’t want it to be like we’re blaming Pauline,” allowed Mark.

“No of course not Liebling, but it is a fact isn’t it? If she’s away and it makes things...”

“Tricky.”

“Mm.”

Mark watched the way Seb’s eyes went to their son, Teddy reaching up to paw at his father's face making him smile.

“Is it bad I just want to be home with you guys?” asked Sebastian as he looked back to his husband.

“No of course not.”

“I just like the idea of it being special, you know, our first Christmas as a family. I mean I know you and I were family, but it’s different with a child.”

“Course it is. No darling I like that idea too. Besides we’re gonna need a separate cargo flight for all the presents you’ve bought him.”

“Hey, I’ve not got that many.”

 

Mark raised an eyebrow. There were any number of items already piling up in one of the spare bedrooms: a toddler-sized table and chairs for the nursery along with a tiny wooden play kitchen to go in the corner, a rocking horse like the one they had bought Sofie and even a push-along trike which admittedly had been Mark’s suggestion.

“You know he’ll just play with the boxes and wrapping paper,” pointed out Mark.

“I know, but...”

Seb pouted and Mark could only laugh. He put his arm around him, knowing the presents were more about Seb.

“It’s alright. Lots of things he can grow into.”

“They’re not junk toys.”

“No darling, investment toys for years to come.”

“Exactly, and they’re good for encouraging his imagination.”

“Absolutely. Anyway I was only teasing sweetheart. It’s his first Christmas, of course we want to make a fuss of it.”

“We’re not spoiling him are we?”

“Darling what Teddy really cares about is us. Hm? Paying him attention. Gifts are lovely, but it’s memories that count.”

“I don’t think he’ll remember at this age.”

“We will though.”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian gazed at Teddy. He thought about the Christmases from his own childhood; sparkling lights, decorations everywhere, food, gifts, family. He really didn’t want to let his family down. Or Mark’s. Then a thought occurred to him.

“Mark.”

“Mm.”

“I was just thinking. You know I’ve told you traditions are a bit different in Germany.”

“Christmas traditions.”

“Yeah. So, thing is, St Nikolaus Day is a pretty big deal too, I mean it used to be more than Christmas, especially for children. Presents, family gatherings and all that. There’s a really nice market in town as well. Everybody goes and drinks glühwein, they light the big Christmas tree in the square, there’s music and a great atmosphere.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Mm.”

“When is that?”

“Nikolaustag? The sixth.”

“Of December.”

“Right.”

“That’s ten days after my last race, so I’d still have a bit of time to be home first.”

“Ah I see. So you’re thinking we could do that instead?”

“What do you think?”

“Fine by me.”

“And then we could have lots of time at home after through December into Christmas and then maybe go out to your folks for the new year?”

Mark nodded slowly.

“Yeah that could work. Don’t forget it’s his birthday too.”

“As if I could forget?” Seb smiled at Teddy. “How could we forget that? You’re going to be one Teddybär.”

“A big boy.”

Seb huffed a laugh. Their son was still tiny, but a year was a significant milestone.

“We’ll have to ration the presents,” pointed out Mark.

“Sure. Do you remember how we still had the tree up when we brought him home?”

Mark leaned into him a little and stroked over their son’s cheek.

“I remember. You liked all the shiny things didn’t you mate. Hm? Just like Papa.”

Seb shook his head at Mark teasing him, but he was excited to see how Teddy reacted to all that again now he was older.

“He’ll probably try and pull the whole tree down,” noted Seb.

“True. Ah well.”

 

Seb was looking to their son again and Mark knew he didn’t care about the tree potentially being pulled down. A year ago they had been filled with desperate longing for a child and now they had him. The little miracle sat burbling away on Seb’s lap; their precious son, once so tiny and delicate they were almost afraid to hold him, now crawling, almost walking, almost talking, growing fast. You didn’t get this time back again.

“It’s a good plan darling,” decided Mark. “Your folks get an early Christmas, mine New Year and we get a nice relaxed Christmas at home.”

“You think they’ll accept that?”

“Course they will. We just need to frame it right for them when we call. Can your brother be back for then?”

“I think so. I’ll check.”

“He’s not too far off.”

“No. I think term finishes for him that week. Depends what lectures and deadlines he’s got, but I’m pretty sure he could at least come for the evenings and then the market thing is at the weekend.”

Mark nodded, he was sure Fabian would find a way.

“I’ll check with work too about meeting dates and that in the new year,” continued Seb.

Mark smiled.

“I’m sure if you have a quiet word with Christian he might help edge things a little later.”

“Not too late.”

“No no, but just for any meetings you really have to be at. Enough to give us at least a week out in Oz.”

“Of course Liebling. It’s a long way to go after all.”

“You’re happy to do it though?”

“Oh yes, it’ll be nice. Your family are lovely.”

“A few barbies, share a couple of tinnies in the sunshine…”

“Ha, are you going to get your cork hat out?”

“I might darling, I might.”

 

Sebastian laughed with him and Teddy stared curiously up at his parents. Mark chubbed his cheek.

“Get to be spoiled by the rellies a bit, huh? Bet you won’t mind.”

“It’d spread things out at least,” pointed out Seb. “A bit over a week to defrag after the last race, then what, three weeks up to and through Christmas before we go away again.”

“Yep.”

“Did Pauline say when she was back?”

“Erm, not exactly. In time for New Year. We can check. Get the diary out when she comes round tomorrow.”

Sebastian nodded, then let out a long sigh.

“Is that relief?” enquired Mark.

Seb smiled.

“Yeah. Is that bad Liebling?”

“Nope. Definitely not darling. I was just looking for an excuse, but your plan is much better. This way we get to see both lots and get what we need too.”

“You don’t think they’ll be too disappointed?”

“Nah, we just need to put it to them right. All they want is to have some special time with us and after all, it’s hardly our fault Pauline's gonna be away so we have to be home at Christmas proper.”

“You’re going to blame Pauline?”

“Nope, I’m gonna blame her son.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh, but Mark just shrugged.

“They’ll understand. Long distance family gets complicated.”

“Ha, I’ll say.”

“But it’s okay, cos Papa’s come up with a clever plan for us hasn’t he Teddy?”

“Papa.”

“Yep, see, Teddy agrees. Papa’s always clever about things.”

Seb rolled his eyes, but it was nice to be praised. He sat Teddy round a little more to look at them.

“And Daddy always makes sure we know everything’s gonna be alright.”

“Course it’s gonna be alright.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“See Schatz.”

“It will be alright,” assured Mark more softly. “And so will next year. We’re not going to worry about it.”

Sebastian took in a slow deep breath and leaned his head into Mark’s wondering how he did that. His husband’s warm, calm voice always made everything seem better, the world less frightening, all problems less worrying. As Mark placed his hand on Seb’s knee beside where Teddy sat, Seb let go one hand from holding their son and placed it over Mark’s, their wedding rings touching. _Always:_ that was the word inscribed inside their rings. It was for good reason.

 

They sat in quiet for a little while, then Seb lifted his head.

“Where have the boys got to?”

“Hm?” Mark peered over to the bushes to the far side of the clearing at the top of the hill where the bench sat. “Probably found a rabbit to chase.”

“Poor bunny.”

Mark laughed, then glanced at his watch. Time was getting on and it was getting chillier. This late in the year it would be dark not long past four pm. He studied the undergrowth seeking any sign, then stuck two fingers in his mouth to whistle. A few moments later there was a rustling, then Shadow and Simba came running out. There was no sign of an unfortunate bunny, but Simba bore a stick which he offered up. Mark threw it once more to keep them busy, then turned to Seb.

“Shall we head back?”

“Yeah I think so. I don’t want Teddy getting cold.”

Mark thought their son looked pretty cosy all wrapped up in his snowsuit, but the temperature would drop sharply once night fell, especially after a clear day.

“Be getting dark,” he agreed. “Come on then baba, come to Daddy while we sort you out.”

Shadow had run back to them with the stick but Mark waved them away while they rearranged the carrier on Seb with its infant occupant. Once sorted Mark rubbed his hands together as they stood.

“I could do with one of those little outfits myself.”

Seb laughed.

“A baby snowsuit?”

“Well I was thinking in a bigger size. Possibly minus the footsie bits.”

The pair of them laughed at that, then Seb took his hand.

“Shall I make us some hot chocolate as a treat to warm us up?”

“Ooh now you’re talking sweetheart.” Mark turned to the dogs. “On you go boys. Home.”

 

 

Half an hour later they had reconvened on the sofa, the curtains drawn against the fallen night outside, the fire lit with the dogs fast asleep in front of it. Mark sat with Teddy on his knee, Seb just having brought through the hot chocolate he had made. Seb nodded over at the dogs.

“Think they’ve worn themselves out.”

“Good bit of fresh air,” agreed Mark. “Done for this little one as well.”

Sebastian smiled and gently touched Teddy’s cheek, pleased to feel it warm now.

“Are you tired Teddybär?”

Teddy murmured something, then lay into Mark’s chest, so Mark stroked over his arm.

“Yeah, that’s alright little man, you have a rest.” He looked to Seb. “We did lots of playing earlier.”

“Ah well.”

“And we’ve got to save our energy for baby group tomorrow.”

“Ha, packed schedule.”

“Tis indeed.” Mark looked down to the baby. “You gonna sit nice and still while I have a drink then bud?”

 

Teddy merely looked up at him so Seb sat forwards to pass Mark his mug so they could both sit drinking it, Mark holding his drink away when he held it so it couldn’t spill on the baby.

“Feels like winter already,” he commented.

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“And a week from now I’ll be in thirty degree heat.”

“Ha. Swap you.”

“Sure Liebling. You can do my last race for me.”

“Ah now there’s a thing. If only you could job share in F1.”

“We should be able to.”

“How would the points work?”

“We share them.”

“And what, joint share the championship?”

“Of course.” Seb chuckled. “I love how you assume we’d win.”

“Course we’d win. Combined efforts. We’d totally win.”

“Totally. Sadly Liebling I don’t think they’d allow it.”

“Rotters.”

Seb laughed again.

“It’d hardly be fair on those slogging it out all year round.”

“Meh, details. Maybe they could job share too?”

“Ha, you wanna tell Lewis that?”

“Think he wouldn't go for it?”

“I think he gets antsy when I even touch his car in Parc Fermé.”

“Which you always do.”

Sebastian smiled beautifically.

“It’s research Liebling.”

“Course it is. Ah well sweetheart, some people just aren’t good at sharing their toys.”

“I like sharing with you.”

“I like sharing this.”

“Sharing this?”

“This.”

Mark leaned across enough to steal a kiss, then gave Seb a wink.

“Mmm, chocolatey.”

“Nice?”

“Always nice darling. Extra nice with chocolate.”

“Ha.”

 

They sat a while longer, talking about nothing in particular, then as Mark lowered his mug from taking another sip of his hot chocolate Teddy reached out for the mug.

“Ha, you want some kiddo?”

“Mark.”

“It’s not hot any more. It’s mostly milk isn’t it?”

“And cocoa and sugar.”

“Tiny sip?”

“Hmm. Go on then.”

Mark held the mug to his son’s mouth and tipped it to allow a teaspoon’s worth in, then moved it away. Both parents watched as Teddy furrowed his little brow at the strange taste, then let some dribble out.

“Maybe not,” accepted Mark. “Bit young for hot chocolate.”

“I’m not sure it’s good for him.”

“Ah a tiny drip won’t do him any harm.” Mark passed Seb the mug to set down and found a tissue to clean Teddy’s chin. “You wait until you try real choccies mate, you’ll go nuts.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“We’ll have to watch our families over Christmas giving him stuff.”

“Fight them off with a stick.”

“I’m not kidding.”

“I know darling. We won’t let them feed him sweeties. Not yet anyway. I wish you luck a year from now though.”

“Why?”

“Cos once he can toddle off on his own I guarantee you his grandparents will spoil him rotten when we’re out of sight.”

Sebastian sighed and smiled at the same time.

“I guess it’s what they’re supposed to do.”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t want to be too uptight about stuff.”

Mark couldn't help but huff a laugh at that. Seb pouted so Mark spared a hand to stroke his cheek.

“Ah sweetheart I’m only teasing.”

“I am trying to be more relaxed about things.”

“I know you are. You just want the best for him.”

 

Seb nodded and Mark didn’t want him to feel bad about it. He knew all that was wrapped up with lingering remains of anxiety Seb kept buried within him as much as possible. Mark took Seb’s hand and held it, rubbing over the back with his thumb. He smiled down to their son.

“Couldn’t want for a papa who loves you more buddy-boy.”

Sebastian looked up to him, knowing what Mark was saying within that.

“You balance me out.”

“We’re supposed to balance out. Isn’t that the point of being together?”

“What do I do for you?”

“You’re kidding?”

“No.”

Mark shook his head.

“Darling you open me up, to the world, to life, to this. All of this is because of you.”

“Mein Fels.”

“And mein… ha, I don’t know the word. Sunshine.”

“Sunshine?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Of course. You’re like light and warmth brought to my life. I think I was pretty much hibernating until you came along.”

“You’re teasing me.”

“I’m not. I wouldn't joke about something like that,” insisted Mark. “I mean this little guy’s pretty awesome, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“But when you’re away I can’t wait until I hear the car on the drive telling me you’re home again. When it’s a late one I try to stay awake.”

“You’re usually asleep when I get in,” smiled Seb.

“Yeah but I try. I get points for trying, right?”

“You absolutely get points for trying Liebling.”

Seb stretched to give Mark a kiss then smiled down at Teddy.

“He’s the one falling asleep.”

Mark angled his head to see that their son was now slumping into his chest.

“Aw sleepy baba.”

“Shall we put him down for half an hour?”

“Yeah I reckon.”

 

Five minutes later they were back downstairs. As they sat down on the sofa Seb smiled and turned slightly.

“Can I lie down?”

“On me?”

“Yeah. If that’s okay?”

“Course it’s okay.”

Sebastian smiled more widely and arranged himself to stretch out on the sofa, his head on Mark’s lap. Mark huffed a laugh as he looked down at him.

“Comfy?”

“Very.”

“Good.”

“Liebling, do you really try to stay awake when I’m due home?”

“Pretty much yeah. Though as you say, I don’t do a very good job of it.”

“Oh no Liebling, you’re up at the crack of dawn with Teddy. I wouldn't really expect you to be awake. It’s just nice you want to.”

“You usually wake me up anyway.”

“I try not to.”

Mark shook his head.

“I like that you wake me. It’s the nicest feeling; to know you’re home and to have a lovely warm snuggle-up in bed.”

“With the time difference I should be home for bedtime this race.”

“Even better.”

“I mean our bedtime, not Teddy’s.”

“That’s what I was thinking. Well then, I’m sure I can stay up for that one.”

“You won’t fall asleep? It’ll be elevenish I think.”

“Not until you’re home darling.”

 

Sebastian smiled and let out a nice long sigh, so Mark leaned down to kiss him.

“Will you be pleased to see me?” asked Seb.

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Okay sweetheart you know that phrase can just mean being actually pleased to see someone.”

“I know. You explained it.”

“Right. Okay well then yes I will definitely be very pleased to see you.” Mark carded his fingers through Seb’s hair. “And if you’re lucky I might also be pleased to see you.”

Sebastian giggled and Mark had to resist the urge to tickle him.

“I might get lucky Liebling?”

“You might darling. I should consider myself pretty lucky too.”

“Not about everything else?”

“Of course everything else, but you know…”

“That’d be a pretty nice bonus.”

“Yes.”

Mark nodded as they both smiled at one another. They knew Seb needed no incentive to rush home to him, but it was a nice thing to think about while he was away for both of them. Mark stroked a finger down Seb’s nose to make him laugh, then sent him a wink.

“I’ll _definitely_ be awake when you get home darling.”

 

 

 

 

Mark was as good as his word. When he heard the car pull up on the drive eleven days later he was sat waiting on the sofa. Switching off the TV he had been occupying himself with, Mark stood, a smile already on his face as he went into the hallway to see the door opening as Seb lugged his bags inside. The moment he saw Mark Seb dropped everything he was carrying and rushed forwards into waiting arms as the door swung shut behind him.

“Liebling!”

Mark laughed as he was nearly knocked off his feet by Seb’s enthusiasm. As his husband's arms went around his neck Mark dipped in to kiss him, then lifted him clean off the floor as Seb buried his face in Mark’s shoulder,. Mark could feel how hard Sebastian’s heart was beating, how tightly he clung on. He put his mouth by Seb’s ear.

“Missed you darling.”

Sebastian let go at last and stood to look at him.

“I’ve missed you too.”

“Four days apart. Terrible,” complained Mark with a smile.

“Four and a half.”

“Ah there is that.”

 

Seb could see a teasing smile on Mark’s face, but he knew it was all too true for both of them. Any night apart was too many. He was about to say something in repost when Mark put one hand at the side of his face, stroking his cheek with his thumb, a far softer smile on his face. Then he put his left hand on the other cheek, cupping Seb’s face before he moved in to kiss him again, slowly this time until both of them had forgotten anything else they were going to say.

As they pulled apart Mark let go of Seb, huffing a little laugh at how round those cheeks looked.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“Oh no.” Mark stroked his cheek again. “You just look so lovely when you smile like that.”

“Oh.” Sebastian smiled again, a little diffidently at first. “You’re not teasing me?”

“No darling. Your smile is beautiful.”

Seb couldn’t help but smile more at that.

“There we go,” grinned Mark. “My sunshine in the darkest night.”

Sebastian looked at him, thinking how whilst away he had re-read the letters from Mark that he kept for race weekends. Mark always seemed to use phrases of sun and light about him. Seb’s automatic reaction was to think that he must somehow be teasing, but even though he smiled as he said it now, there was an honesty in Mark’s eyes he could never mistake.

“Thank you.”

 

It was all Seb could think to say. They looked at one another for a moment, then Mark simply nodded, glad that Seb accepted a compliment for once without trying to dismiss it.

“Hey, I’ve not even said,” he realised. “Well done today sweetheart. Second; that’s a pretty good way to end the season.”

“You said when we spoke earlier. Twice.”

“Still. I want to say it now. Great result.”

“Yeah not bad. Thanks.”

“ _Not bad_. Ha. High standards as ever darling. Could you have got more, in all honesty?”

“I could have won.”

“On that track, in your car?”

Sebastian laughed.

“No I think I would have needed to borrow Lewis’s.”

“Yep. How it goes sometimes. Did the best with what you had. You started fourth. I think that counts as a sterling effort, especially on a track where you can’t overtake.”

“I did overtake.”

Mark shook his head.

“I know. Just never bring that up with Fernando.”

Sebastian laughed and Mark gave him a hug.

“Are you tired sweetheart?”

“I had a nap on the flight.”

“Good.”

“Did you?” checked Seb. “I mean after the race. I know you said Teddy slept through most of it.”

“Ah he had another little nap later on so I did too.”

“I’m glad to hear that Liebling.”

“Are you indeed?”

“Long day for you.”

“Mm.”

 

Sebastian tipped his head a little.

“What?”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“You’ve not asked if I’m pleased to see you.”

“Oh but... _Oh._..”

Mark laughed again as he saw the penny drop. Sebastian laughed as well and looked pointedly lower, then back at Mark with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m not sure Liebling. Are you pleased to see me?”

Mark stepped in closer.

“Well naturally I’m pleased to see you.”

“But are you _pleased_ , to see me?”

Seb pressed his body back against Mark’s and looked up at him.

“I’m sure with a little gentle encouragement.”

“You need encouragement?” teased Seb.

“Don’t we all need a little encouragement?” teased back Mark.

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“I can be gentle.”

“You’re always gentle darling.”

Seb took a deeper breath as their eyes locked.

“Why are we still stood here?” questioned Sebastian.

Mark huffed a breath.

“Good point. Bed then?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark took a deep breath as he stepped away.

“Oh I just need to grab the monitor,” he remembered.

“I’m gonna check on Teddy.”

“Don’t wake him.”

“I won’t.”

 

As Mark bobbed back into the lounge Seb quickly shoved his shoes off to leave to the side and went up to look in on the nursery. He tiptoed over to look at his sleeping son in his cot, illuminated only by the nightlight. Little arms up by his head, chubby face in repose as he breathed steadily in and out, his whole body moving with it, eyes closed and oblivious to his father watching on.

“I’m home now Kleiner,” whispered Seb. “No more going away for a long long time and I’m so happy we’ll be together.”

Long arms slunk around him and Mark’s mouth was by his ear.

“You said you weren’t going to wake him,” he chided quietly.

“I’m not.”

“He’s fine. Come to bed darling.”

Sebastian turned his head to look at him so Mark caught the corner of his mouth.

“Come to bed,” whispered Mark once more.

“Are you going to sweep me off my feet?”

“Would you like me to?”

 

Seb merely huffed a silent laugh and slipped his hand into Mark’s to lead them from the room, carefully shutting the nursery door behind them. As they entered their bedroom Sebastian spotted that not only had Mark brought the baby monitor up, he had lugged all his bags up too.

“Oh Liebling, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“You know I just get so excited to be home, the moment I’m here I just…”

“Forget all about everything as soon as you step through the front door?”

“Yeah pretty much. Sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“S’alright. Nice to be so distracting.”

“Devastatingly so.”

Mark chuckled.

“Devastatingly.”

“Devastatingly handsome.”

“Ah.”

Mark’s grin turned a little more wolfish and he reached to slip his hand under Seb’s t-shirt and around to his back, such nice, warm, soft skin. Mark had every intention of exploring every inch of it again now he had his Seb home again.

“Is this where I sweep you off your feet then?” he teased.

“If you like,” Seb teased right back.

Mark laughed.

“You shouldn’t tempt me like that darling.”

Seb quirked a daring smile so Mark nodded. Seeing as Seb had put his arms around his neck again they were already half-way there.

“Right, then. Better hold on tight.”

Sebastian tightened his grip as Mark moved his hands to hook under his knees to lift him up, the pair of them laughing.

“Oh god.”

“No don’t make me laugh sweetheart.”

“Don’t drop me!”

“As if I’d drop you?”

Mark gave him a look and hitched Seb higher to prove his point, securing his hold with arms looped round him. Then he noticed they hadn’t properly shut the bedroom door.

“Oops, the door,” noted Mark.

“Hm?”

“The door.”

Mark turned him.

“Oh.”

 

Given their position all Mark could think to do in the moment was not the sensible thing to put Seb down and go shut it so they didn’t wake their son, but instead he took a step over and let Sebastian carefully kick it shut with his foot. The ridiculousness of this only made them laugh more, so Mark then hurried over to the bed, doing his level best not to actually drop Seb, but place him on the bed, doing a reasonable job of not collapsing on top of him at the same time, though he did end up on there too.

“Oof!”

“Have I done your back?” worried Seb.

“Ha, I sincerely hope not sweetheart or that’d rather put the kibosh on my immediate plans.”

“Which are?”

“Oh you know.”

“Mm.”

 

Sebastian lay back feeling contentment wash over him.

“Season’s over Liebling!”

Mark laughed and moved to hold himself over Seb.

“Hurray.”

“Ha, yes,” agreed Seb.

“I have you all to myself now.”

“All of me. You can have all of me.”

“Wow, there’s an offer. Good job we’ve got until March then eh?”

Sebastian grinned to match Mark, only ceasing as he lowered himself down into him and they began kissing again, all talk forgotten. The season was done, it was the winter break and they could forget just about everything for a while. Thank god.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as you may have guessed, in my AU Porsche will not be pulling out of WEC (!) as that would rather stuff up Mark's plans, and indeed mine. Personally I shall be very sad to see them go in RL. AU Mark would def not be following them into FE, I just couldn't see it.  
> Anyway, on we go, confusingly reaching Christmas just as we're at the height of summer (looks out of window to see the falling rain...)


	241. Cold Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow updating, sorry, must pull my finger out. Anyway, seeing as it is now the summer holidays in RL, in our story it is naturally just getting into Christmas. Pull up a chair by the fire and have some hot chocolate...

* * *

 

 

Now that they were into the longed for winter break all Seb and Mark wanted was to relax and make the most of their time at home together as a family. The last thing they wanted was for their son to get ill, so naturally that was what happened. It was only a common cold, as the doctor repeatedly explained to them when they rushed their poorly baby to see him, but that was scant consolation when Teddy was so miserable.

The first time the baby had sneezed on the Tuesday it had seemed adorably cute. Within half an hour it was anything but as poor Teddy sniffled and bawled, nasty trails of snot constantly dribbling from his nose as his parents endlessly wiped it.

“Poor baba,” soothed Mark as he tidied him up once again while Seb held him on his knee.

Sebastian sighed and stroked over Teddy’s arm as he lay wanly into him.

“He seems so weak.”

“Oh darling, he’s just not well. You know what it’s like; you don’t feel like doing anything.”

“I guess. I hate seeing him like this though.”

“I know. Me too.”

Seb nodded and leaned in to kiss the top of their son’s head. Teddy was making sad little crying noises, but no tears fell.

“Is it too soon to give him more Calpol?” Seb checked.

Mark looked at his watch and nodded regretfully.

“Sorry sweetheart. Another three-quarters of an hour.”

“I worry he’s getting dehydrated.”

“Well shall we try another bottle?”

Seb nodded. Teddy hadn’t shown any interest in solids at all today. Perhaps they were too much effort when his body was tired from fighting infection? The doctor had said fluids though, so as long as they kept trying milk hopefully he would be okay. Five minutes later Mark returned with both the warm milk and another bottle of water to offer in-between just in case he really was in danger of getting dehydrated. He passed the milk to Seb who fitted the teat into the baby’s mouth after wiping his nose yet again. Mark felt Teddy’s forehead. It was warm, but he didn’t think more than usual. The doctor had checked his temperature and seemed unconcerned, but they had tested their son twice with their own thermometer since bringing him home.

 

Sebastian was relieved to see Teddy was at least drinking his milk, though with nothing like the energy he normally did.

“I know it’s just a cold,” conceded Seb.

“I know darling. Still horrible though. Hm? Not nice is it kiddo?”

Teddy cast his blue eyes towards Mark, then looked back to the bottle.

“I don’t think we should take him to baby group tomorrow,” announced Sebastian.

“No I spose not.”

“I’m sure that’s where he’s picked this up.”

Mark gave Seb a look.

“Sweetheart kids get colds. Everyone gets colds. We can’t lock him in a bubble all his life.”

“I’m not saying that.”

Mark read his tone and knew not to push further. They were both tired seeing as Teddy had kept them up half the night, crying disconsolately and unsoothable by his parents rocking him, singing to him, feeding or changing, reading or holding him. The only thing that really did help was Calpol so they gave him that seeing as they had long since abandoned any reservations they might have had regarding giving their child medication. They were very careful about it, but if it worked and it helped him, then they gave it to him and they were only glad Teddy had his suffering eased enough to let him sleep to give both him and them some respite.

 

Sebastian took a deep breath, knowing he had sounded unfairly ratty with his husband who was just as concerned about their son as he was.

“Sorry Liebling.”

“It’s okay.”

“I didn’t mean to stop going. I just meant this week.”

“Sure. He wouldn't enjoy it anyway.”

“It’s gone so cold out too. I don’t think we should take him out with the dogs.”

“No alright. I’ll take them for a walk later.”

“Thank you.”

Mark looked down to see that Teddy’s eyes were falling shut.

“I don’t think he’s going to drink any more.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian saw the same, so before Teddy fell asleep he lifted him carefully up to wind him. The baby felt a limp weight into his shoulder and when Seb finished rubbing over his back and lowered him back down he saw that he was indeed fast asleep already.

“You wanna put him down in his cot?” asked Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“No.”

They looked at one another and Mark just nodded. Seb wasn’t going to put Teddy down, even if he was as tired as he was. This was definitely not the time to suggest Seb didn’t need to compensate for being away. Mark was only thankful that this had occurred while Seb was home, partly because this wouldn't be fun to deal with alone, but partly because he knew Seb would feel horrible guilt to not be with him. So much for their cosy relaxing whilst they were off. It wasn’t even December yet and Sebastian felt as though his life racing was a world away, which in a way he supposed it was.

 

Teddy lay in Seb’s arms, breathing heavily through his mouth, occasionally making odd rasping noises that were part of the reason Seb didn’t want to let him out of his sight.

“He will be alright won’t he?” Sebastian worried.

Mark put his hand over Seb’s where he held Teddy.

“He’ll be fine. Coupla days feeling rubbish, then he’ll be back to crawling round causing chaos.”

“Yeah.”

“You want a cushion?”

Seb nodded, so Mark helped slip one under his supporting elbow where Teddy lay into him.

“Tell me if your arm goes dead and we’ll swap,” offered Mark.

Sebastian smiled and nodded back. Their son weighed a good deal more than he used to these days. Thank heavens he was older though. At almost eleven months Teddy was bigger and sturdier and at least he felt more able to withstand illness. If he had been like this last winter Seb would have been terrified that his tiny body might not have been strong enough to fight it. He was still small, but stronger now. It was just a cold. They just had to comfort him, take care of him and wait it out until Teddy was better again. So much for them getting a break.

 

 

 

 

 

Six days later they were stood in the hallway at Seb’s parents’, busily peeling off layers as the warmth of the house contrasted with the brusque cold outside. Heike held Teddy as Seb removed his little hat.

“Well he looks _much_ better,” praised Heike happily.

“Yeah he’s fine now,” Seb assured her.

In the background Mark sneezed, so Seb sought the box of tissues they’d brought with them and handed it over.

“Danks,” mumbled Mark as he hurried wiped his nose.

“Poor Liebling,” sympathised Seb, rubbing over his arm.

“You got it now?” asked Norbert.

“Mm.”

“I had it a bit over the weekend,” explained Sebastian, “then yesterday Mark went down. We’re plague carriers.”

His father laughed as his mother shook her head. When they had spoken on Friday she had worried that Seb was going to say they shouldn’t come. Heike would rather end up with a cold than not see them.

“Mark dear you go sit down and rest in the lounge.”

“I’ll take the bags up and sort things out,” assured Seb.

Mark nodded dully. The flight had not been enjoyable with blocked sinuses, a streaming nose, headache and a crying child. Seb had tried to manage everything, but there was no hiding on a small plane. Frankly all Mark wanted now they’d arrived was to lie down, but he didn’t suppose he could escape straight up to their room without appearing rude.

Heike hitched Teddy up and opened the lounge door, pointing Mark to the sofa as Seb and his father took their things up.

“Now then. I’ve got some things in to help so I’ll make you a drink.”

“Thanks. Do you want to leave Teddy with me?”

“No no. He’s fine with Oma aren’t you?”

Heike swept out and Mark was left alone, no energy to worry about how his son was reacting to being left with his grandmother. He rested his head on the back of the sofa and closed his eyes. God no wonder Teddy had bawled last week. This felt horrible.

 

Ten minutes later Sebastian came downstairs with his father and stuck his head around the lounge door to see Mark slumped on sofa, head to the side, mouth open as he breathed.

“Oh dear,” sympathised Norbert.

“Mm. He’s got it worse than I had.” Sebastian perched by his husband and put a hand on his arm as his father left them to it. “Liebling.”

“Mmph.”

Mark turned his head and blinked, almost surprised to see Seb there.

“Ach Liebling do you want to go lie down upstairs?”

Mark took a breath, then rapidly sat up to wipe his nose again. That done he sat back to see Seb still watching him.

“Do you want to go up?” repeated Seb.

“In a bit maybe. I think your mum is making drinks.”

“Oh, okay.”

“You go check on Teddy. I’m okay.”

Seb nodded, then went in to kiss him, but Mark moved his head away.

“You’ll just get it back.”

Sighing, Sebastian nodded again and stood up. Stupid colds.

 

As he entered the kitchen Seb found his parents busily preparing drinks while Teddy sat in what was actually Fabian’s old high-chair retrieved from the attic and cleaned down, usually for Sofie’s use. Teddy was happily bashing the little tray with a wooden spoon and laughing at how apparently hilarious this was. It took him a moment to notice Seb come in, then he looked up.

“Papa.”

“Hey Kleiner,” smiled Seb. “Whatcha got there?”

“I gave it him,” announced his mother. “You don’t need expensive toys when it’s the simplest things that amuse them.”

Sebastian nodded, knowing he was due for a boat-load of handed down parenting wisdom while they were here. He was looking forward to seeing his sister Stef when she came round tomorrow and they could secretly share their own views.

“You do look tired dear,” observed his mother. “Are you sure you’re well?”

“I just had a bit of it Mum. Mark’s the one who’s ill.”

“Mm. I’m making him something to help.”

“Oh?”

Sebastian went over to look. On the chopping board his mother had an array of ingredients and a murky looking liquid sat in a mug.

“Just needs hot water,” she explained. “Norbert isn’t it boiled yet?”

“In a mo,” he replied. “Now then, Seb, tea or coffee?”

“Um, coffee thanks Dad.”

 

While drinks were made Sebastian answered all their questions on the journey and his family’s health and was updated on their plans for the next few days.

“Your brother is coming for tomorrow night and he can stay for Nikolaustag itself, but then he has to bob back to finish term and will be home Friday night.”

“Uh-huh,” nodded Seb who had of course discussed this with Fabian himself.

His mother finished stirring the concoction she was preparing for Mark and turned to look at Seb properly.

“Now, don’t go saying anything about this to your brother, but you should know that Ana split up with him, so do be sensitive around him.”

“Yeah Mum he rang me.”

“Oh. Oh I see.” His mother sighed and shook her head. “A fine thing to do right before Christmas. I ask you.”

Sebastian tipped his head to the side.

“Ah Mum I think he knew it might be on the cards. They’re at separate uni’s.”

“Mm, a long distance relationship’s never going to last at that age,” observed his father sagely.

“Well that’s not helpful,” retorted Heike.

Norbert shrugged.

“It’s true.”

“As maybe, but don’t go saying that to him.”

“I told him that in September.”

Heike huffed and shook her head while Norbert shrugged to his elder son.

“I thought she was a nice girl,” bemoaned Heike.

“Mum come on, they’re just kids. It’s how it goes,” advised Seb. “I’ve talked to him. He’s doing okay.”

“Hmm.”

“Should be having fun at his age not worrying about anything serious,” added Norbert.

 

Heike took in a deep breath, so Seb thought this was a good time to jump in.

“So um, we thought, Mark and I that is, that he could come back with us for a couple of days. To cheer him up a bit.”

“Oh I see.”

“That’s alright isn’t it?”

“Of course it is.” Heike nodded, then gave him a smile. “Yes, that’s very thoughtful dear. Take his mind off things. Have you asked him?”

“No not yet. We thought if he came with us on Sunday, stayed till Wednesday maybe.”

“As you like. Well, I’m sure he’d appreciate that.”

 

Norbert merely gave Sebastian an approving nod and piled up the tray of drinks to take through. Seb lifted Teddy out of the high-chair and managed to detach the wooden spoon from his grasp and they went into the lounge where Mark roused himself as they entered. Sebastian sat Teddy on his knee only for Heike to come over.

“Now you have your drinks and Teddy come and sit with me.”

Seb saw no point in arguing so he let her lift the baby away, glad that Teddy was in amenable mood to please his grandmother. Meanwhile Norbert started doling out drinks.

“Seb your coffee and Mark your, um, medicine.”

“Medicine?” frowned Mark.

Heike looked over.

“Now you drink that up Mark, it’s just lemon, honey, ginger and garlic with hot water.”

Seb tried not to laugh at Mark’s expression at hearing the second to last ingredient.

“Does wonders for colds,” assured Heike confidently.

Mark took a dubious sniff.

“Thanks.”

He peered in again to see a murky dark brown drink with potent steam rising from the mug. Norbert sent him a wink.

“I added a little help.”

“Help?” frowned Heike realising she hadn’t noticed her husband interfering with the drink.

“Dash of whisky.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and took a sip, then coughed.

“Blimey.”

“It’ll do you good,” insisted Heike.

“Yep, thanks.”

Mark sipped again. Norbert’s version of a ‘dash’ of whisky seemed pretty liberal to put it mildly. The drink certainly had a kick to it, but then he couldn't feel worse than he did already, so what harm could it do?

 

As his parents fussed over Teddy whilst neglecting their own drinks, Seb sipped his coffee and watched Mark.

“Does it taste okay?” he whispered as he leaned in.

Mark turned his head and gave a half smile.

“Think it might blow my head off.”

“Is that good or bad?”

“Could go either way at this stage.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and persevered with the drink. As it got lower it seemed to get stronger and there were small lumps of ginger and garlic that he had to force himself to swallow. The last inch Mark would happily have left but for fear of offending his mother-in-law, so he downed it and tried not to look at what lurked at the bottom of the mug as he set it down on the coffee table.

Seb put his arm around him and left his own drink.

“Poor Liebling.”

Mark rested his head into Sebastian’s and let out a sigh, then closed his eyes. His body felt so heavy, his head worse and deep down Mark wished to god he was home. Seb left it a little while, then looked to be sure Teddy seemed happy with his grandparents. He’d expected him to fuss more and take some time to accept being with them, but for now it seemed Teddy was enjoying the attention.

 

“I think he needs to go lie down,” Seb asserted.

Heike looked over. Mark’s head rested on Sebastian’s shoulder and he appeared exhausted.

“Of course dear. Does he need paracetamol?”

“Took some earlier. Maybe later.” Sebastian rubbed over Mark’s arm. “Liebling.”

“Hm?”

Mark lifted his head a little, his eyes opening groggily.

“We’re gonna go up,” announced Seb.

Mark stared at him in confusion. Was it night time?

“Time for bed?”

Sebastian couldn't stop a little laugh escaping.

“Oh poor Liebling. It is for you. Come on.”

“Do you need a hand?” asked his father.

“No we’re okay thanks.”

 

Sebastian helped Mark to stand, then they trudged up the stairs, going to his old bedroom where he sat Mark down before letting him lie on his side on the bed. Seb took his shoes off for him, then lifted his lower legs onto the bed seeing his husband was too worn out even for that. He sat beside him, stroking over Mark’s hair before going to get the box of tissues and a large glass of water to set on the bedside cabinet. There was hardly any room in here with all their luggage, but they’d manage for a few days.

Seeing as his Stef and her family were only going to be visiting without staying overnights, Teddy’s travel cot and belongings were set up in her room. They would struggle to fit in here anyway, but Seb thought as Mark was ill it was better Teddy wasn’t in with them. Poor Mark looked worn out. Sebastian sat back with him again and watched him sleep for a little while, knowing their son was perfectly well cared for downstairs. He sighed, knowing it had been an effort for Mark to drag himself here today. It wasn’t fair that this cold had hit Mark harder than him.

“Mein Fels,” whispered Sebastian.

Mark didn’t respond seeing as he was asleep, snoring a little with his head to the side on the pillow. Seb glanced to the door, then decided Teddy was alright with his mother. He would hear him if he cried or one of his parents could come get him. Pulling off his own shoes Sebastian judged there was just enough room on the edge of the bed and lay down beside Mark, wrapping his arm around him, if only to stay on. They never needed much space. Seb would hold on to Mark anyway.

 

He hadn’t expected to fall asleep as well, but the tiredness his mother had observed hit in and before Seb knew it the pair of them were off. Half an hour later there was a tentative tap on the door, repeated when it got no response. Then the door slowly opened to reveal Heike stood holding Teddy. She looked over at the couple on the bed, both fully dressed apart from their shoes. Heike shook her head to see that they hadn’t even managed to get under the covers before dropping off.

“There’s your daddy and papa little one,” she explained, seeing as he had been asking for them.

“Dada.”

“Shh baby. Dada’s poorly and your papa’s tired too. Worn out from looking after you I think.”

Heike sighed, looking at the way her son had his arm wrapped around Mark.

“Tired out. I thought as much,” she observed.

“Papa.”

“Shhh. C’mon now, let’s go see what toys they brought you and I’ll see if I can work that bottle contraption so you can have some milk.”

 

Heike stepped back and quietly shut the door, planning to keep her grandson preoccupied until his parents woke. It worked well enough for an hour or so, then Teddy struck up his appeals again, calling out louder and louder for his dada and papa. Both Heike and Norbert tried to reassure him, but Teddy started wailing and didn’t want to be held by either of them.

“Here Teddy, come to Opa,” tried Norbert, attempting to pick him up from the lounge carpet where he had been playing.

Teddy however was having none of it. He pushed away at his grandfather’s hands and crawled away a few feet before howling louder. Heike picked him up, but he was still struggling and calling out for his parents as he got more and more upset at the belated realisation that they weren’t there.

 

The noise filtered through the closed lounge door, up the stairs and through another closed door to reach the pair on the bed. Both stirred, Sebastian sitting carefully as he realised he was in danger of repeating an earlier incident and falling off the bed.

Mark tried to sit up too, but Seb shook his head as he stood.

“I’ve got it.”

“S’Teddy,” noted Mark groggily.

“I know.” Seb leaned in and kissed Mark’s forehead. “It’s okay. Rest a bit more. He’ll be fine.”

Mark didn’t have it in him to argue so he lay back down as Seb exited. A minute later and the sound of crying ceased, telling him that Teddy had been satisfied by at least one parent returning to him.

 

It wasn’t until shortly before dinner that Sebastian re-entered the bedroom, this time carrying a far quieter Teddy still clinging to him. He sat on the edge of the bed, placing Teddy on his knee.

“Dada.”

Teddy tried to reach over to his father, but Seb kept him back, rubbing Mark’s arm himself.

“Liebling.”

“Hmmph?”

Mark rolled onto his back, then opened his eyes. Seb gave him a smile.

“Hey, how you feeling?”

Mark rubbed over his face as he sat.

“I don’t even know.”

“Sorry to wake you but I wanted to check if you were hungry.”

“Oh.”

Mark frowned and glanced over to the closed curtains. It was dark out.

“What time is it?”

“Nearly half six.”

“Feels later.”

“Well we’re an hour ahead of home,” reminded Seb.

“Oh, yeah guess so.”

“I’m gonna put Teddy down for the night.”

“Has he had his feed?”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Had his dinner a while back and Mum just gave him his night bottle.”

“How long have I been asleep?”

“A while. It’s fine, Mum says if you like she’ll make you up a tray.”

“Oh I’m not that bad,” assured Mark, undermining his message somewhat by quickly reaching for more tissues to blow his nose. “Are your family here yet?”

“Hm? My parents?”

“No the rest.”

Seb rubbed over his arm.

“That’s tomorrow night Liebling; Nikolaustag Eve, like Christmas Eve.”

“Oh right, yeah.”

“You’re really not with it are you?”

“No guess not.”

Teddy was pulling away so Seb let him crawl onto Mark’s lap for a quick cuddle.

“He’s missed you.”

Mark stroked Teddy’s arm.

“Sorry mate, feeling a bit crook.” He looked to Seb. “I’ll come down though.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. Just need to use the bathroom, tidy up a bit.”

“Okay. I’ll put him down. Which bags are the monitors in?”

“Um...”

“I’ll find them.”

 

Sebastian took Teddy back and ten minutes later had succeeded in getting him ready for bed and in his travel cot. As he watched over him Seb turned to see the door open and Mark entering.

“He alright?” checked Mark.

“Yeah fine. Just settling.”

Mark nodded as he looked in at their son. At least he was lying down, so he ought to drop off reasonably well.

“Did you find the monitors?”

“Yep.” Seb nodded at them set on the dresser near the cot. “We should go down. It’s just stew so hope that’s okay?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Don’t think I can taste anything right now, but I’m sure it’s lovely. How do I look?”

“Very handsome.”

“Ha, am I ever gonna get any other answer?”

“Nope.”

“I think your judgement may be off.”

“No it’s not.”

Mark smiled. Having just looked at himself in the mirror he thought he could beg to differ, but he’d changed his top, so at least he was vaguely presentable even if he felt like something that had crawled out of a primordial swamp.

“We’d better go down,” prompted Seb picking up the receiver monitor.

“Sure.”

 

 

Mark didn’t last long after dinner and Seb only stayed up another hour before his parents suggested he ought to go to bed too. As Heike and Norbert sat on the sofa alone Heike looked at the time.

“Not even nine o’clock.”

“Well I think they need their sleep.”

“Mm. What did you put in that nightcap you gave Mark?”

“Nothing. Well, just warm whisky and a bit of hot water.”

“I should have made him more of my mixture.”

Norbert chuckled but Heike shook her head.

“Mock all you like, but old recipes are the best.”

“I’m sure they are dear. Hopefully they’ll be feeling better tomorrow.”

“Than heavens Teddy is better.”

“Mm. I’m sure he’ll enjoy playing with Sofie tomorrow.”

“I hope Mark manages with everyone over. It’d be such a shame if he’s still unwell.”

“He’s doing his best.”

“I know. I just wonder whether they might not have been better coming for Christmas as we originally said.”

Norbert raised his eyebrow, they weren’t going to go over this again were they?

“They’ve made their plans.”

“I don’t see why they can’t do both if they’re off.”

“Well they are doing both. I thought that was the whole thing: Aren’t they going out to Mark’s family for New Year?”

“I meant come back here for Christmas.”

Norbert sighed. His wife could be like a dog with a bone sometimes.

“They spend their whole lives dashing about. I can quite see why they don’t want to do that while they are off. Don’t they deserve a break?”

“They get a break here.”

“If they came for Christmas here they’d barely have time to turn around before they went to Mark’s parents’ for New Year,” pointed out Norbert. “I’m not sure that would be very enjoyable for them.”

“I suppose.”

“And their Pauline is away isn’t she? Who’d look after the dogs?”

“Well…”

Norbert shook his head.

“Leave it be. The last thing they need is nagging.”

“I don’t nag.”

Norbert resisted the urge to laugh.

“No dear, course not.”

 

 

 

 

The following day Mark spent most of his time on the sofa accompanied by a tissue box and a seemingly never ending supply of mugs of Heike’s freshly brewed cold remedy. He didn’t object to Norbert’s addition of booze, though drinking it in the morning not only felt strange, it made him more tired too. Mark didn’t manage much lunch and though he was trying his best to be sociable, when Heike suggested a walk when Teddy woke from his nap, Mark didn’t think he could actually prise himself from the sofa.

“It’s fine,” assured Sebastian as he came back through, already dressed in his outdoor gear. “We’ll be about an hour or so. You go up for a bit.”

Mark puffed a breath, glancing over to see Heike fussing over Teddy tucked up in his pushchair, little legs warmly protected in the mini sleeping-bag style cover.

“Yeah I guess.”

Sebastian went to kiss him but Mark shook his head again.

“Don’t sweetheart.”

“Okay.” Seb smiled. “Your breath’s something anyway.”

“Huh?”

“Garlic.”

“Oh.” Mark shook his head. “It’s in that stuff your mum’s feeding me.”

“Tell her to leave it out.”

“I can’t. Anyway she might be right. Garlic’s meant to be good for you. Not sure how it helps a cold, but I’ve had worse.”

“Ah well.”

“If nothing else at least we’re safe from vampires.”

Seb chuckled, then as his mother called to give him the hurry up he stood.

“Go have a lie down.”

“’kay.”

Mark waited until they all left, then traipsed up the stairs to their room, doing no more than peel his hoody off before lying on the bed and pulling the other half of the duvet over the top of him. In no time at all he had fallen into a heavy slumber, his body getting the rest it had been crying out for.

 

 

When he woke it was dark again and Seb was there sat beside him on the bed.

“Hello Liebling. How are you doing?”

Mark furrowed his brow.

“I thought you were only going to be an hour.”

“We were. When we got back I came and checked on you but you were all wrapped up like a sausage roll, snoring away, so I left you to it.”

“Oh. Snoring?”

“’fraid so Liebling. Not your fault if you’ve got a blocked nose.”

“Mm.”

Mark reached for the tissues again as he sat up.

“No better?” checked Seb.

“Pfff, I dunno.”

“The others will be here soon.”

“Oh god it’s the thing isn’t it? Like Christmas Eve.”

“Yeah. It’s okay though. If you’re feeling rubbish Liebling stay in bed.”

“No no. I don’t want to spoil it.”

“You won’t. They’ll understand.”

 

Mark gave a little shake of his head and pulled back the duvet to get up. He looked for a fresh jumper to put on then ruffled a hand through his hair.

“Once more unto the breach,” he declared.

“Huh?”

“Never mind. Uff.” Mark reached for another tissue. “God if only it would _stop_. How can one man have this much snot in him?”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“More paracetamol?”

“Thanks.”

Mark downed the pills with more water and they went out, Mark thinking that at least this way he had time to wake up before everyone descended on them.

 

 

When the rest of the family arrived Mark felt obliged to excuse himself from all welcoming hugs.

“Sorry folks, I’m basically Typhoid Mary over here,” he apologised from where he stood on the far side of the hallway.

“You’re what?” frowned Mel.

Mark shook his head.

“Never mind.”

“I reckon you look more like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,” pointed out Fabian helpfully.

“Cheers mate.”

“Poor Mark,” sympathised Seb. “It’s been all round our family, so we hope we’re not passing it on.”

“It’s just a cold,” Mark assured them. “I’m feeling better than I was actually. Heike’s been dosing me up.”

 

His mother-in-law smiled at the praise and ushered them all into the lounge. Both little ones enjoyed being fussed over as they were passed around their older relatives, though Mark noticed that young Sofie wasn’t sent in his direction. He couldn’t blame her parents though. He and Seb had suffered enough with their child being ill so Mark could well understand Stef and Jan wanting to keep a distance. He _was_ actually feeling a little better though, so that was something. His brain still felt a bit foggy and Mark still felt inexplicably tired given his nap, but at least his nose wasn’t running with quite the vigour it had over the past few days.

Seb leant into his side as they sat on the sofa watching Teddy now playing with his cousin as they sat on the floor, both pushing around a few wheeled toys.

“How’re you doing Liebling?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah alright.”

“You okay keeping an eye on Teddy if I go give Mum a hand in the kitchen?”

“Sure.”

“Righto, thanks.”

Mark guessed Seb was volunteering himself as his younger brother had been volunteered already.

“He seems okay.”

Sebastian gave Mark a little smile for knowing what he was thinking.

“Yeah, bit quiet though.”

“Mm. You gonna ask him to stay?”

“If I get chance. I want to find the right moment.”

Mark nodded and Seb got up, not drawing attention to his exit so Teddy didn’t notice.

 

Entering the kitchen Sebastian found a whirl of activity as his mother worked to assemble the celebration meal, consisting, as usual for her, from as many offerings as possible. Mel had made the mistake of going to get a glass of water and she had been roped into helping too, she and Fabian fitting dishes onto the kitchen table while Heike hurried around.

“Oh Seb, what can I get you?” asked his mother as she saw him.

“Hey, how come he gets that and I get ‘chop this, move that’?” complained Melanie.

Heike sent her a sharp look.

“Your brother's not been well and he’s looking after Mark and Teddy,” she rebuked.

“Actually I came to help,” interrupted Seb.

“Oh. Are you sure?”

“Yep. What can I do?”

Heike scanned the room.

“Um, why don’t you and Fabian take the cold dishes through to the dining room?”

“Okay.” Seb sent his brother a smile as they looked to see which dishes qualified, mostly salads of one description or another. He picked up a large bowl of potato salad, then thought of something else. “Shall we lay the table too?”

“Oh good idea, yes and check we’ve enough chairs,” decided his mother. “You’ll need to take these through.”

 

As they made their exit Mel sighed and sent her brothers a disparaging look for escaping while she was left trapped in the kitchen, but Seb merely smiled and shrugged. Once in the dining room they both put their dishes down in the centre of the table then started looking in the drawers of the sideboard for placemats and cutlery. Seb left it a little while as they worked, then as the table was laid he looked to his brother.

“So um, how are you?”

Fabian stopped moving up chairs to add extras from the kitchen and puffed a long breath, then shrugged.

“Dunno. Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“I could do without Mum asking me every five minutes.”

“Right.” Seb examined his brother face, trying to judge if he was doing the right thing. “Should I leave it?”

“Hm?” frowned Fabian. “Oh, no it’s okay, you’re okay, just, Mum you know?”

“Mm.”

“I know she means well, but I don’t like it when she says stuff about Ana.”

Seb nodded.

“Aren’t you mad at her?”

“Who, Ana?”

“Yeah.”

Fabian sighed and shrugged a shoulder.

“A stupid part of me keeps thinking she’ll change her mind.”

“Right. Have you seen her?”

“No we just spoke on the phone. Her term doesn’t finish until closer to Christmas.”

“Ah okay.”

Fabian stared at his shoes.

“Everyone said this would happen,” he admitted glumly.

 

Sebastian stepped in to give him a hug, Fabian hugging him back with more force than he had expected. As he rubbed over his back Seb gave him a squeeze.

“Doesn’t help much does it?”

Fabian lifted away and shook his head.

“No.” He sighed. “I knew we’d not seen each other so much lately, but, ah I don’t know...”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Fabian huffed a long breath.

“I dunno. Not gonna change much is it?”

“No, but still…”

“I can’t even be angry with her.”

“Do you want to be angry with her?”

“Mum seems to think I should be.”

“Forget that. How do you feel?”

“I just… I dunno. I feel a bit stupid really.”

“Why?”

“Cos everyone said it wouldn't work us being at separate universities and they were right.”

“Well they can go to hell.”

Fabian let out an unexpected laugh.

“That includes Dad,” he pointed out.

“Well alright, let’s not repeat that to him, but my point stands,” insisted Seb. “What anyone else thinks doesn’t matter.”

“I really liked her,” Fabian confessed. “I still do.”

“Ah Fabe.”

Fabian sighed a long breath again.

“When she told me she just sounded so awful. She ended up crying and I ended up trying to make her feel better.”

“Ah damn. I’m sure she feels bad about it.”

“I know she does.”

“So she just met someone else?”

Fabian nodded.

“She says they were just friends, but things developed and… well, you know.”

“Yeah.”

“I do believe her when she says it wasn’t planned.”

“Mm, still not nice though.”

“No.”

“Ufff. God I don’t know what I’m meant to do now,” admitted Fabian. “I keep thinking I should go see her and, I dunno, I guess it’s stupid to think I can get her back.”

Seb puffed a breath.

“It’s not stupid, but I’m not sure it’s a great idea. Have you spoken to her again?”

“Yeah and texted a bit, but… I’m not sure how long it’s been going on. I kindof get the impression she had to build up to telling me.”

“At least she did.”

“I spose.”

“Not much consolation I know.”

Fabian shrugged again.

“I think she was scared that if she came home for the holidays it would be even harder.”

“Mm, probably.”

“I didn’t even ask her about the guy.”

“Another student?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I want to know.”

“No. Well she’s not gonna do better than you.”

 

Fabian coughed a dry laugh and shook his head, but Sebastian held firm.

“I mean it.”

“Well thanks. You wanna call her and tell her that?”

Seb gave him a look.

“Sorry.”

“No that’s okay. Look I know I can’t really do anything, but Mark and I wondered if you’d like to come to ours for a few days?”

“Oh right.”

“Only if you want to. It’s fine if you’d rather be home.”

“Oh, no I mean that’d be nice.”

“Yeah? We thought maybe you could come back with us, stay to Wednesday maybe?”

“Um, yeah thanks.”

“Change of scene, you know.”

“Right, yeah no thanks I’d like that.”

“We haven’t much planned to be honest,” admitted Seb. “Maybe you could give us a hand decorating the house?”

“Yeah alright, sounds good. You know I’ve got to go back for the last few days after tomorrow?”

“Sure. You’re back Friday night though?”

“Yep. Guess I’ll just shove stuff back in a case.”

“Great. You won’t need much, just stuff for hanging around the house, walks that kinda thing.”

“Okay.”

“Oh and your bathers.”

“Right. Have you mentioned it to Mum?” checked Fabian.

“Yeah she’s fine.”

“Really?”

“Yeah why not?”

 

Fabian shrugged. He didn’t think his mother would normally be too impressed with him arriving home only to go away again, but if his brother had cleared it, then it had to be okay. The door opened and they looked over, expecting their mother to be asking what was taking them so long, but in the doorway stood Mark holding Teddy.

“Hey here you are. Am I interrupting?”

“No I was just asking Fabe if he wanted to come stay,” explained Seb.

“Ah righto. You up for that Fabe?”

“Sure, thanks.”

“Good stuff.” Mark sent a sideways glance to his husband to check he wasn’t putting his foot in it. “So, um, you alright then mate? I’m sorry about, you know…”

“I’m okay.”

Mark nodded, guessing he wasn’t in the mood to go into it all right now. He smiled at Teddy, hoping he might cheer his uncle somewhat.

“Teddy’ll be pleased to have someone to play with.”

“Ha, thanks.”

“I was saying he could help us start putting up the decs,” related Seb.

Mark nodded.

“Ah yes. It’s gonna be a pretty big operation this year. Your brother has plans to make Oxford Street look understated.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he was glad to see his younger brother smile. Mark looked to their son.

“You gonna go to your Onkel Fabian kiddo?”

Fabian accepted his nephew and hitched him up.

“I’m glad he’s better.”

“Aren’t we all?” concurred Mark. “If I could just shift it too.”

 

Sebastian put his arm around Mark and looked up to him. Fabian looked from his nephew who was busy prodding his face, to his brother and brother-in-law.

“How do you do it?” he asked.

“Hm?” frowned Sebastian.

“You two. You’re apart a lot. Even further; you’re on the other side of the world sometimes.”

“Ah Fabe. Not quite the same mate,” pointed out Mark.

“Spose. Sorry.”

“Nah that’s alright.” Mark glanced to Seb and got the impression he should change the subject. “Hey Teddy what about showing Onkel Fabe how good you’re getting at walking eh? Bet he’ll be impressed.”

He took the baby back and knelt down to try it out, Seb and Fabian copying as they tried getting Teddy to walk between them. Sebastian smiled as he saw how Mark got his brother involved, working to distract him and cheer him up even while Seb knew his husband felt pretty rubbish himself. Seb took over from him and was glad to see how Fabian seemed as entertained by it as Teddy was. It would be good to get some more time with him back home. Seb didn’t mind giving up a few of their planned family days. They’d keep his brother busy and be there if he wanted to talk. If he didn’t then that was fine too. At least it would save Fabian from unwanted interrogation from their mother, for a while anyway.

 

 

They spent a pleasant evening, Mark doing his best to do justice to his mother-in-law’s feast while all the family enjoyed appraising him of all the German traditions he wasn’t aware of.

“Do you really have barbecues on the beach for Christmas back home?” enquired Jan.

Mark smiled.

“To be honest home is rainy old England these days, but yes some folk do in Oz. I grew up a bit far from the coast for that, but yeah a few barbies should be on the cards when we go at New Year.”

“Be nice for you to get some sun,” commented Norbert.

“Ha, too right.”

“I’m sure it’ll do you good,” Heike offered.

“Couldn’t hurt,” Mark agreed.

Sebastian was busy talking with his sister, both of them with little ones on their knees seeing as Sofie and Teddy had eaten earlier and Teddy had decided only his papa and not the high-chair would do. Seb glanced over as he realised their plans were being spoken about.

“I’ve never actually experienced an Australian summer before.”

Mark gave him a wink.

“Hot sweetheart.”

“Yes I guessed that much.”

“Are you worried you’ll melt?” teased Stef.

“Oh now you will be careful with Teddy won’t you?” interjected Heike.

“Of course we will Mum.”

“Hm.”

Heike wanted to say that she thought a baby would be better off in the milder climes of Europe than the baking heat of an Australian summer, but she supposed she couldn't deny the Webbers were due their turn. She caught her husband’s eye and knew she ought to be making the most of the time that they had.

“Right, who’s for seconds?” she declared, everyone at the table knowing that the only acceptable response was to agree.

 

After dinner Sofie and Teddy were allowed to stay up as the family exchanged gifts, mostly smaller ones, keeping things back for Christmas proper, but the littlest ones did well, accumulating quite a pile of little toys to amuse them. For a while Stef and Sebastian sat on the floor with them, letting the children play with the discarded wrapping paper whilst their carefully selected gifts received rather less attention. Mark sat on the sofa with his brother-in-law, hearing about how they did things where he had grown up in Holland. The atmosphere was pleasant, if a fraction less lively than it had been earlier. Unfortunately moments later the peace was broken as young Sofie tried snatching away a particularly shiny piece of gift wrap that her cousin was looking at and within seconds both she and Teddy were squalling.

“Uh oh,” sighed Jan. “Ach Sof, why can’t you share nicely?”

Seb was already scooping Teddy up.

“Past his bedtime anyway. He’s tired.”

“And we should be going soon,” noted Stefanie as she attempted to quiet her daughter.

Seb checked they weren’t going right away, then took Teddy up to bed, Mark going with him to help. It soon became apparent that the baby was over-tired, worn out by both a later bedtime and all the excitement from earlier as he was spoiled with attention and gifts. He clung to first Seb and then Mark, howling as he was put down and dragging himself to stand in his travel cot before trying to reach up to his parents and falling down as a result, only to cry more as a consequence.

It was hard not to pick him up to comfort him, but both Seb and Mark knew that what their son needed was to sleep, not stories and anything else to stimulate his brain. Sebastian was just weakening as Teddy wailed some more, but then he sniffled and finally lay down, pouting resentfully at them both.

“Ah kiddo,” sighed Mark. “You just need some kip mate.”

Sebastian tucked the blanket properly around their son, then stood away before Teddy could try reaching for him.

“Sleep now Teddybär,” he hushed.

Teddy breathed heavily as his body calmed from crying, then with surprising speed his eyelids flickered and though he fought it, the baby was asleep.

“Blimey,” sighed Mark. “What a performance.”

“He’s just tired.”

“Yeah. I know how he feels.”

Sebastian put his arm around Mark and leaned into him for a second as they watched their son sleeping, then as they were sure he was off they left him to it, picking up the monitor though they hoped it wouldn't be needed.

 

By the time they came back down Heike was busy tidying up and they could tell Stef and Jan were wanting to head off.

“Sorry, he was just being a bit clingy,” apologised Mark.

“That’s alright,” Jan assured.

“Can you take her?” asked his wife, passing over a now distinctly sleepy toddler.

As she gathered up presents and promised her mother that they would be back in time for lunch the following day, her husband took the hint and got them ready to go.

“She’ll sleep in the car,” he asserted as the family went into the hall to say goodnight.

 

Once they were gone Norbert insisted on sorting out another round of drinks, handing Mark another warmed whisky with the assertion that it was medicinal. Mel suggested playing cards, but after one round of failing to keep up Mark opted out and within half an hour was veering into the side of the sofa looking worse for wear. As Fabian celebrated winning a game Melanie nudged Seb.

“I think Mark’s done,” she observed.

Seb looked over and smiled, thinking his husband had actually survived remarkably well in the circumstances. He thought about leaving him to rest where he was, but Seb knew Mark wouldn't like the thought of having slept in front of his in-laws. He got up from where he and his siblings were knelt around the coffee table and went to sit by Mark.

“Liebling.” He shook his arm. _“Liebling_.”

“Huh?” Mark sat up. “Oh god, did I do it again?”

“A bit. We’ll go up.”

Mark looked at his watch then shook his head.

“No darling you stay.” He looked out to the rest of the family. “Sorry folks, think I’d better get a bit more kip. Promise I’ll be on better form tomorrow.”

The rest dismissed his apology and said goodnight, Seb pausing before sitting back down as Mark left the room.

“Is he alright?” asked Fabian.

“Just bad timing,” explained Seb. “I felt pretty crappy at the weekend, but Mark’s just ended up a bit worse.”

“Language Sebastian,” rebuked his mother in the background.

All three children smiled and laughed a little where they sat playing on the floor, for a moment taken years back to when they really were the excited children of the family due to be sent to bed any moment after the treat of staying up late to enjoy their presents.

 

An hour later Sebastian slid into bed beside his husband. He lay on his side watching him sleep, thinking how peaceful Mark looked. Very carefully Seb stroked a finger lightly down that sharp cheekbone, then pulled it away as Mark opened his eyes.

“Sorry Liebling.”

Mark blinked then took a deeper breath.

“I think your dad’s drink knocked me for six.”

Seb smiled and shuffled down to lie facing him.

“I think it’s meant to.”

“So I can have my old man naps.”

Sebastian shook his head against the pillow. Then before Mark could say more he silenced him with a kiss.

“Don’t say I shouldn’t.”

Seb placed his hand at the side of Mark’s face, then kissed him again.

“I’m not sure you can catch it back anyway,” argued Seb.

Mark smiled, not knowing if that was true or not and way too tired to argue back.

“Guess I’ve had enough booze to kill most germs.”

“Mm.”

Mark looked over to see Seb had put the monitor on the bedside cabinet.

“Did you check on Teddy?”

“Course. Fast asleep.”

“Good.”

Seb shifted up closer into him and put his arms around Mark.

“Mum says there’s no rush to get up in the morning.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We’ll see if our son agrees.”

“Mm.”

Mark took in another deep breath then closed his eyes, promptly falling fast asleep again.

 

 

 

The next morning their body-clocks meant they woke early as ever. It was still pitch dark outside, but Seb heard the familiar snuffle through the monitor that told them they weren’t the only member of the family who was awake. As it became a cry he put a hand on Mark’s shoulder assuring him he could manage it and quickly climbed out of bed. As Seb went out onto the landing however, he met his mother who had heard her grandson without the need for amplifying technology.

“Sorry Mum.”

“I was going to get him.”

Sebastian smiled as he opened the bedroom door to see Teddy stood in his travel cot.

“ _Papa!”_

“Alright alright.” He hurried lifted the baby out, rubbing his back to calm him, then looking back to see his mother watching from the doorway. “He’ll quiet down. He probably needs a change and his bottle.”

“Yes dear I have done this a few times.”

“Right.”

“I can do it for you.”

Seb huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“You’re alright thanks.”

As he laid Teddy down on the changing mat set on the floor Seb could feel his mother watching him as he changed his nappy, but she refrained from making any comment until the baby was redressed.

“Shall I get his bottle?” offered Heike.

“It’s okay.” Seb held Teddy up into his chest and stood, placing his cheek by the baby’s to hush him. “Shh. That’s better isn’t it Kleiner? We’ll just get your milk and have a little cuddle. That’s what you like isn’t it?”

He looked up to his mother, feeling almost embarrassed at the smile on her face.

“We just go back to bed for a bit,” he explained.

 

She nodded, then before his mother could offer to make the milk for him again, Seb asked her to switch the monitor off and took the baby downstairs, his mother going with him for no real reason other than the fact she was up. Once down in the kitchen she continued to watch, still strangely fascinated by the way her son could look after his son whilst making up a bottle one-handed.

“You’re a good father,” she observed.

Seb looked up from checking the temperature of the milk.

“Thanks.” He huffed a little laugh. “Did you not think I would be?”

“Of course I did. Just… well, I suppose I did wonder how you and Mark would cope.”

“Two blokes.”

“Well…”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“We’re no different Mum.”

“I know. I just, I suppose I didn’t think you’d had a lot of experience.”

“How much experience did you have before you had Stef?”

His mother smiled.

“Not a lot I suppose.”

“Mark’s better. He gets more time with him.”

“I’m sure you do your share dear.”

“Mm.”

“I’m very glad for you. He’s a lovely little boy.”

“He’s our son.”

“That’s what I meant.”

Seb nodded.

“Will you be alright, next year with Mark going back to work?” enquired Heike.

“We’ll manage.”

“Yes, well any help you need, you ask. Alright?”

“Thanks Mum, we do appreciate it.” Teddy reached for the bottle and Seb smiled. “Better go up.”

Heike nodded.

“I might as well start clearing up from last night.”

“Oh Mum it’s five am.”

“I’m awake now. You go up dear. I hope Mark’s better today.”

“Me too.”

“No rush for breakfast.”

“Thanks.”

 

As Seb went up the stairs he let Teddy hold the bottle as he tried to feed himself.

“Already breakfast for you isn’t it Schatz?”

Slipping back into bed, Seb put the pillow higher and rested Teddy against him, holding the bottle up properly now so he could drink it. Mark shifted and looked at them both with half-open eyes.

“It’s really early Liebling,” appraised Sebastian.

“Mmm.”

Mark shuffled up enough to lie into the spare bit of unoccupied space on Seb’s chest, resting his cheek into the nice warm t-shirt before closing his eyes again. Sebastian felt him fall back asleep and gave their son a smile.

“Daddy’s all flobalob.”

Teddy continued to suck on his bottle, but Seb could swear those rounded cheeks meant he was smiling.

 

A little over two hours later there was a tap on the door. Seb was still sat half propped up, both husband and son lying asleep into him. He was feeling pretty dozy himself so it took a second knock before he responded.

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

Seb smiled to hear his mother’s voice and gave Mark’s arm a rub.

“Liebling.”

“Mm?”

“Seb?” called his mother.

“Sorry Mum, yeah.”

Heike succeeded in getting the door open despite bearing two mugs. As she entered the room Mark woke himself a little more, straightening his t-shirt as he sat up in bed.

“I thought you might like some tea.”

“Oh thanks Mum.”

“Very kind,” agreed Mark as she put the mugs on the bedside cabinet and picked up the empty milk bottle instead.

“I’m not planning on doing breakfast for a while yet,” she announced.

“Right, okay.”

“Thanks.”

Heike nodded back, then left them to it. As his parents sat up more Teddy woke, then crawled to lie between them. Mark laughed as he settled himself in place.

“Not gonna let Daddy and Papa cuddle up, is that it?”

“Do you want your tea?” offered Seb.

“Yep, thanks.”

 

The pair of them sat drinking with Teddy in-between, letting themselves ease into the day as the sun only just began to rise outside. As Mark finished his drink and passed the mug over to Seb to put on the side, he belatedly realised something.

“Ha.”

“What?” frowned Sebastian.

“I’ve not had to blow my nose.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh then raised his hands in a little cheer.

“Yeay!”

Mark laughed as well, Teddy looking up at them with a comically furrowed brow.

“S’alright little man,” Mark assured him. “We’re just being daft.”

“You are feeling a bit better aren’t you?” checked Seb.

“Bit,” agreed Mark. “Still a bit blocked up, but yeah.”

“Good. Does that mean I’m allowed to kiss you again?”

Mark chuckled.

“I haven’t cleaned my teeth yet.”

“Don’t care.”

Seb leaned over the top of their son’s head to kiss Mark, then sat back letting out a little sigh of relief. Mark merely reached over to place his hand in Seb’s.

“No more fretting.”

“’kay.”

 

 

Later in the day the family were all out for another walk, this time Mark included. He still felt below par, but it was good to get fresh air and a bit of gentle exercise. Seb pushed the buggy containing Teddy, Mark keeping one hand over Seb’s on the handle, less to help push and more to stay in touch with him. Though they were all well wrapped up against the cold, the freezing air reached all the way down into his lungs. He still wasn’t breathing that air through his nose which remained stubbornly blocked, but it felt an improvement nonetheless and Mark hoped it might do some good to kill off those lurking germs. He knew that this was about the limit of their plans for the next few days; walks, meals, family time with various members coming and going. As Seb sent him a smile Mark smiled back, there were worse ways to spend your time.

 

 

 

By Saturday Mark was newly appreciating the fact that he could actually smell things again. As they walked around the Nikolaustag market in the town square he took a deep breath and smiled.

“Mmm glühwein.”

“You want some Liebling?” enquired Seb.

Mark huffed a little laugh and took his arm.

“Just glad I can recognise it now.”

“Ah.”

“Maybe later.”

Seb nodded and looked ahead to where his mother proudly pushed the buggy a couple of feet ahead, wondering if they’d get him back at any point. She’d bumped into a couple of old friends by a stall and was plainly enjoying showing her grandson off to them, so Seb hung back pretending to look at something on one of the stalls lest he be roped in. Mark smiled as he saw the way Sebastian’s eyes stayed on their son.

“Pretty sure he’s fine sweetheart,” Mark whispered in his ear.

Turning away for a second Seb nodded.

“I know.”

Seeing his mother’s friends depart Sebastian went to go over, not having spotted that something else had caught Mark’s eye.

“I’m just gonna check on him,” he announced.

“Yeah one sec. Catch you up.”

While Seb went on Mark hurriedly pulled his wallet from his pocket to purchase something before tucking the little paper bag away in an inner jacket pocket. As he rejoined Sebastian, Mark could see the rest of the family had gone on to look at the huge Christmas tree in the corner of the square.

“Shall we show him the tree?” he suggested.

“Oh yes,” agreed Heike.

 

Mark smiled, thinking he had been directing that at Seb, but he made no comment as they went over to the corner of the square to join the rest. Once the pushchair was parked up Seb reached in and unclipped Teddy to lift him out to hold his son so he could see properly and Mark stood, putting his arm around him.

“Not bad,” he judged. “Reckon ours is gonna put it to shame though.”

Seb shook his head as his brother beyond the pair of them laughed.

“I have to see it now.”

“Mark’s winding you up.”

“Only a bit,” allowed Mark.

Sebastian smiled over at his brother. On the surface Fabian seemed okay, joining in family activities now he was home again and laughing and joking as usual, but Seb wondered if it wasn’t a little forced. He knew how it was not to want to let go in front of your family, but so far he hadn’t really found an opportunity to speak to Fabian alone again. Perhaps he was alright, but Seb wasn’t entirely convinced.

Mark noticed the way his husband was gazing out and gave his arm a rub.

“Alright?”

Seb turned to him.

“Yeah good.”

“Whatcha think kiddo? You like this?” Mark asked their son.

He smiled in at Teddy, but the baby only had eyes for the shining lights and glittering decorations adorning the huge tree in front of him. Sebastian smiled too at how captivated their son appeared. He kissed his cheek and laughed as Mark sent him a wink.

“Pretty Christmassy.”

Just then a group of children were ushered in to the side and Mark realised that they were a choir as a woman came to stand in front to conduct them.

“Okay, now we may have hit peak Christmassy-ness,” he decided.

Sebastian turned to him and pouted.

“It’s not snowing.”

Mark laughed.

“Always seeking perfection darling.”

The children began singing some traditional carols so they went quiet to listen. Teddy was rather less interested in the singing than the shiny things he could see. It might be lacking snow, but surrounded by family, stood in this picture perfect medieval German market square, Mark didn’t think it could get much more seasonal in his view, though if he could fix some snow for Seb to make him happy, he would.

“We’ll make our own perfect Christmas at home,” he whispered.

Sebastian smiled.

“Yes Liebling, we will. I can’t wait.”

Mark nodded in agreement. It was nice enough to be here and he knew it meant a lot to Seb’s family that they spent some time with them, but the truth was he couldn't wait to get home either.

 

 

* * *

 


	242. Decorations

* * *

 

 

The following day they finally headed home, this time accompanied by Fabian who was of course thrilled to get to travel on their private plane, though his father had put his foot down to insist that Seb and Mark were on no account to send him back on it. Not that Fabian really cared about getting a commercial flight home. It was just good to get away and he always liked getting to visit his brother. Being away also meant his mind had less time to linger on unhelpful thoughts. Ana had never been with him to England, so he had no memories attached to her here in contrast to just about everywhere back home.

On their first morning back they visited the tree plantation to pick out a Christmas tree and though they hadn’t originally planned this, Seb and Mark had to admit that having an extra pair of hands around to either help with Teddy or assist with lugging the tree inside and setting it up in the lounge, was useful.

 

As they wandered around the Christmas section of the large garden centre on Monday afternoon Mark stood in charge of the trolley as Seb happily showed Teddy yet more shiny things for him to try grabbing. Mark shook his head as another pile of decorations found their way to add to the pile.

“I foolishly thought the stuff we bought last year would do for this year,” he informed Fabian.

“Aren’t you using it again?”

Sebastian turned from considering a pack of glittery gold baubles as opposed to merely shiny gold baubles.

“We _are_ using the stuff we’ve got already.”

“We’re just accumulating more,” explained Mark dryly. “Just in case there’s a square inch of our house without decoration of some kind.”

Seb gave him a look.

“It’s not _that_ bad.”

Mark smiled.

“I’m only teasing darling. It’s gonna look great.”

“I just want it to look special.”

“That it will.”

“It’s not like I want to put a giant snowman on the outside of the house.”

Mark laughed.

“I’m not sure I’d put it past you.”

Sebastian pouted.

“I don’t want it to look tacky.”

“I bet you’d like that,” guessed Fabian as he chubbed Teddy’s cheek.

“Probably,” Mark agreed.

“I’m not going over the top am I?” worried Seb.

Mark shook his head.

“Nah’s fine. Sides we’ve got Fabe to help us get it all up tomorrow.”

Sebastian smiled, then bit his lip knowing he was pushing his luck.

“Liebling I did see some outside lights over there.”

“Oh?”

“No not like to cover the whole house or anything, just, I thought maybe the tree at the front by the hedge. Wouldn't that look pretty with lights on as you came in?”

Mark chuckled and shook his head at the appealing big blue eyes he was getting, the problem was they _were_ appealing and as ever he was helpless before them.

“A winter wonderland,” he commented wryly.

“They’re just plain white lights.”

“Uh-huh and how does that work if they’re outside in the garden? We don’t have to stretch cables from the house do we?”

“Um, let’s look,” decided Seb. “I think maybe it has a battery pack and...”

 

He was off, already leading the others to show them. As Mark and Fabian trailed behind him Mark sent Fabian a wink.

“Just so you know mate, it’s gonna be you shinning up the tree to put them on.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Good lad.”

Mark patted Fabian on the back and his young brother-in-law smiled, glad to feel useful.

 

 

A couple of hours later they stood in the frost-covered front garden at home, wrapped up against the freezing cold as Fabian nimbly climbed up the apple tree, Seb stood below trying to pass up a thread of outdoor Christmas lights. Mark stood a little back holding Teddy watching proceedings. The baby was all bundled up in his snowsuit but his new woollen hat given him by his grandmother was slightly too large and kept slipping to cover his eyes. Mark hitched him up to pull it clear for him.

“What are they doing eh kiddo?”

Half a dozen feet in front of them Sebastian was pointing upwards.

“If you start from up there we can wind it round.”

“I’m not sure that branch will take my weight.”

“Well, try it.”

“Ha! Thanks.”

“It’s fine. You don’t weigh much.”

“Good job.”

Fabian tentatively raised his right foot to place it on the next branch up, moving his ungloved hands to grip a higher one to lever himself up. The narrower branch wavered and flexed slightly, but it didn’t break. He looked down to his brother who nodded.

“See.”

“Yeah alright, hand it up then,” Fabian instructed.

Sebastian tried, only to find his brother was now too high to reach. Fabian shook his head and called out.

“Mark! We need you.”

Mark looked to Teddy.

“Looks like we’re up mate, c’mon then.”

 

They spent a good twenty minutes working to pass the lights cable back and forth to Fabian who wound it around branches as Mark and Seb helped make sure they went all around the tree. Given the mass of twisting branches that even free of leaves in winter were thickly massed everywhere, they got things tangled a few times before Seb was happy with the result and Fabian jumped out of the tree with a whoop.

“Idiot,” sighed Sebastian. “You could have broken a leg.”

“Ah he’s fine aren’t you?” assured Mark.

“Yep, course,” Fabian insisted, despite the fact it had actually been a harder landing than he anticipated given the frosted ground.

“Right then maestro, we gonna plug them in?” prompted Mark.

Sebastian looked back from gazing up at the arranged lights, wondering if maybe they shouldn’t have put a few more over to the left to balance them better. He guessed his brother might not take too kindly to being sent back up to move everything though.

“Um, yeah.”

Sebastian found the plug to fit into the specially insulated outdoor battery pack at the base of tree.

“You’d better stand back,” he advised.

“Why, is the whole thing likely to blow up?” asked Fabian.

Seb tsk’d and shook his head.

“To see it properly.”

“Oh right.”

“Come and admire your handiwork,” encouraged Mark.

 

Seb plugged in the cable into the battery pack and switched the power on before going to join the others stood over on the drive to get a good view. Seeing as it was now half past three dusk was already beginning to fall and the plain lights shone brightly with the steel grey sky in the background over the fields beyond. Mark let Teddy go to his papa, chubbing the baby’s pink cheek before he put his arm around Seb.

“That looks great sweetheart, well done.”

“Hey!” complained Fabian. “Who did all the work?”

Mark grinned.

“Seb is the General in this operation Fabe, we must reconcile ourselves to being mere footsoldiers content to follow orders.”

Fabian laughed but Seb shook his head.

“You make me sound like a dictator.”

“A benign dictator sweetheart.”

“Oh great.”

“Papa likes to be in charge,” Mark explained to Teddy. “It’s best just to let him.”

“And Daddy likes it really,” countered Sebastian.

“Yeah he does, it’s true.”

“Okay if you guys are gonna start snogging I’m going inside,” decided Fabian.

 

Seb pulled a face at his brother, then stepped a fraction away from Mark so he could take a picture of the tree on his phone.

“It does look good doesn’t it?”

“It does,” agreed Mark. “Not gonna be a patch on our real Christmas tree though it is?”

Sebastian smiled. So far all they had done was set the plain pine tree in place in the lounge. Decorating it was tomorrow’s job.

“I thought we could do the main house stuff in the morning and the tree in the afternoon.”

“Sure. Break it up taking the dogs out maybe?”

“Course.”

“Right you are then. Now, what say we celebrate with some of your amazing hot chocolate?”

“Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“I do hope so,” grinned Mark.

Fabian shook his head, already heading inside to where the dogs had been shut to prevent them causing any mischief. At least tomorrow he wouldn't have to climb the tree to decorate it. He hoped so anyway.

 

 

 

 

The next day Pauline arrived in the morning to find the household already in full swing, breakfast done with as they set to work decorating the place from top to bottom. The lounge floor was covered in large cardboard boxes containing new and old packs of baubles, tinsel, lights, and every other glitzy or traditional decoration they had accumulated. As she peered in at the mess from the doorway Pauline shook her head.

“I take it I’m not hoovering today?”

Mark looked up from trying to untangle a string of lights.

“Um no guess not.”

Pauline smiled to see Teddy sat in Seb’s lap happily playing with a particularly large and glittery bauble.

“Someone’s happy,” she observed.

Mark smiled, thinking Teddy wasn’t the only one.

“And what is he today?” asked Pauline as she looked to see what the baby had been dressed in.

Sebastian held Teddy to stand, showing off his reindeer onesie.

“Rudolph.”

“Of course.”

“Like Mark was last week,” joked Fabian.

“Ha, cheers mate. Yeah he’s not keen on the antlers, but apart from that it’s a pretty good look isn’t it kiddo?”

Sebastian smiled as he glanced to the discarded band of felt antlers that had lasted all of thirty seconds on Teddy’s head before the baby unceremoniously pulled them off to dump on the floor. Seb knew he had gone way over the top ordering Christmassy outfits for their son. So much so that Mark had joked more than once that they could create an entire Advent calendar just taking pictures of him in the various Christmas costumes or festive designed outfits of one sort or another. Seb didn’t care though.

“I think he looks cute in it.”

“Adorable,” agreed Pauline. “All set for making the place nice and Christmassy then?”

“Yep,” he agreed.

“Full ops today,” concurred Mark. “Gonna crack on before our slave labour escapes tomorrow.”

“That’s me,” explained Fabian sounding quite content with the arrangement.

“Very good dear. Oh now I brought you all a little something to keep you going.”

“Oh?”

Pauline laughed at his interest and displayed the tin of shortbread she had brought.

“Now it’s homemade so you’d better eat it up because it won’t last.”

“Ha, like it’ll last anyway,” laughed Mark.

“That’s very kind of you Pauline, thank you,” offered Seb.

“No trouble. Right well I’ll get on with the kitchen unless you want me to take Teddy?”

“Oh I think he’s enjoying it.”

“Right you are then.”

Pauline left them to it, smiling to herself as she entered the kitchen to be greeted by Shadow and Simba leaping out of their baskets. She quickly shut the door and gave them a stroke.

“No going through there boys. You two are the last thing they need.”

 

By the time Pauline was finished upstairs she came down to find Seb and Mark winding a garland round the bannister heading in her direction whilst Fabian stood at the bottom holding Teddy’s hands to keep him upright as they watched.

“Oops, don’t mind me,” she smiled as she squeezed past them.

As she reached the bottom Pauline ducked down by Teddy.

“Are you being a good boy for your Uncle Fabian?”

“He’s helping,” asserted Fabian.

Pauline laughed and nodded.

“Course you are chickadee. And don’t you make a lovely little reindeer?”

“We’re trying to make sure everything is too high for him to reach,” explained Mark from his position half-way up the stairs.”

“Sounds very wise.”

“Pau-Pau,” burbled Teddy.

Pauline beamed at him attempting her name.

“Good boy. Are you going to come to me?”

Fabian helped toddle the little boy over so Pauline could give Teddy a hug. She lifted him up and looked to those on the stairs just finishing up.

“Shall I put the kettle on?”

“Ooh where did you leave those biscuits?” asked Fabian.

Pauline smiled.

“In the kitchen. Have you been a good boy too?”

“I have been a very good boy,” replied Fabian earnestly. “Can I have one?”

 

Mark burst out laughing and let go of the garland, earning himself a ticking off from Seb in the process. Five minutes later they were all sat in the kitchen, Teddy in his high-chair while the rest drank tea and even Seb and Mark tried the shortbread. The dogs fussed around them, caught up in all the excitement.

“I reckon after this we should take them out for a walk before they go stir-crazy stuck away in here,” decided Mark.

“Now you are being good boys,” praised Pauline as they came to her for a stroke.

“What about me?” asked Fabian.

Pauline smiled and handed over the tin of shortbread again, Fabian grinning as he helped himself. Sebastian stood and started collecting up the empty mugs. Once he had rinsed them in the sink and set them to dry he turned and patted his brother's head as if he was one of the dogs to tease him.

“Come on then, you can work off that shortbread.”

 

Pauline departed as the rest headed up the lane, Fabian attempting to control both dogs on leashes while Seb had Teddy in the carrier and Mark walked beside him. Despite it being nearly eleven am now the path was still frozen solid mud beneath their boots when they reached it, small patches of surviving grass crunching like spun sugar underfoot. The hedgerow to the side bore white spiders’ webs strung across them, glistening with frost as if they were nature’s seasonal decorations.

The dogs ran ahead as they went through the ploughed fields, then the group turned around as they reached some filled with livestock and headed back to go up the hill instead.

At the top Seb took Teddy out of the carrier to sit on his knee while Fabian played with the dogs a little way over. Mark smiled at how stiffly Teddy sat seeing as he was so bundled up in his snowsuit and layers underneath.

“L’il Michelin man arentcha?” he teased.

Seb angled his head down to look at the baby.

“We don’t want him getting cold. Especially not when he’s been ill.”

“Course not. Fine now though aren’t you Teddy?”

 

Sebastian looked at those pink little cheeks, thinking that at least it was a healthy glow now. He’d made sure the hood of the snowsuit was covering Teddy’s head as well as his hat, so Seb was pretty certain their son was well protected from the weather.

“You okay sweetheart?” checked Mark.

“Yep.”

“We can get most of the non-tree stuff done when we get back and then have lunch.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian looked over to his brother currently attempting to take stick back from Simba who thought it fun to make him work for it.

“Do you think he’s okay?” he asked quietly.

“He seems fine.”

“Yeah.”

Seb bit his lip and Mark considered things.

“You think he’s not?”

“I’m not sure if it’s better to leave it or try to get him to talk.”

“Mm.”

“It’s good we’re busy and stuff but...”

“Vettel trait of appearing fine when you’re not,” guessed Mark.

Sebastian gave him a little nod.

“Maybe. I dunno.”

“Well he knows we’re here to listen if he wants to talk,” Mark advised. “Sometimes it’s too soon.”

Sebastian nodded again. He wasn’t going to pry if his brother didn’t feel like opening up. If Fabian was enjoying forgetting all about things while he was here that was as valid a way of dealing with things as any.

 

 

In the afternoon they finally began tackling the tree. Mark let Seb take charge, instructing him and Fabian to help as he systematically built up the display. He knew Mark was teasing him from the smiles he got, but Seb couldn't disguise how much he was enjoying this. Fabian seemed pretty happy too as far as he could tell, taking turns entertaining Teddy and stopping him destroying the tree or swapping with Mark to do his brother's bidding. They’d tried putting Teddy in his bouncer but the little boy was having none of it, struggling and wailing until he got his way and was released to try to join in the fun sorting out the tree.

The rest of the lounge was still a bombsite of strewn decorations and packaging which Teddy played with at any given opportunity, so once the largest box was emptied of all contents Fabian sat him in it, handing Teddy his dinosaur toy to occupy him.

“Oh Fabe,” complained Sebastian as he spotted what he had done.

“Nah he likes it. I’m a genius. This way he can’t hurt himself or mess stuff up.”

Sebastian sighed and ducked down to where his son sat, only the top of his head showing over the rim of the open cardboard box.

“What has your Onkel Fabian done to you?”

“Papa.”

“Mm.”

Teddy laughed as Fabian pulled faces behind his brother's back, Mark rolling his eyes at the pair of them.

“C’mere little guy.” Mark lifted Teddy out and took him to look at the tree. “How’s this for shiny? Hm? You like it?”

Teddy immediately reached for one of the dangling baubles, trying to haul it off as Mark fought to pull his hand away. The baby pouted and started crying so Mark sighed and detached the shiny red ball to give him.

“Oh Mark.”

Mark turned and shrugged, Seb sighing as he saw that Teddy had instantly stopped crying the moment he got what he wanted.

“Well sorry sweetheart, but if you think he’s not gonna want all this stuff.”

“I know.”

Sebastian puffed a long breath. To be fair it was a bit of a confusing message to show their son all the nice shiny and glittery things and then tell him he couldn't have them.

“Maybe we should just assign a few safer ones for him as toys?” Seb suggested.

Mark nodded, though he knew it was sod’s law that Teddy would want the ones he wasn’t allowed. No point spoiling things by arguing over it.

 

They went back to their work, gradually tidying up the lounge as they went, putting all the packaging and any broken items away so the carpet was at last clear for Teddy to crawl about, the adults only having to grab him when he got too close to the lower branches of the tree and reached up. At one point while Mark and Seb were making sure that the cable for the lights was arranged so it was out of reach, Fabian got distracted and didn’t notice that the baby had got hold of some tinsel and was pulling it towards him where he sat, dragging the whole tree off balance in the process.

“Whoa!”

Fabian grabbed the tree, Teddy suddenly howling as fir branches came towards his face. Both parents dashed in, Mark swooping the baby out of the way before it reached him as Seb helped right the Christmas tree.

“Dada, _Dada_ ,” wailed Teddy as he buried himself in Mark’s shoulder, arms clinging around his neck.

“It’s alright, it’s alright,” soothed Mark, half an eye on the brothers getting the tree sorted. “Is the tree okay?”

Sebastian nodded as they let go, seeing it steady once more. He came over, peering in at Teddy.

“Is he okay?”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah think it just gave him a scare.”

“I’m really sorry,” apologised Fabian.

“He’s fine,” asserted Mark.

“I don’t think it touched him. I was trying to stop it.”

“Course. No worries. You’re fine aren’t you mate?”

Mark turned Teddy slightly so the others could see he was really okay. The baby still hung onto him, snivelling a little as his father stroked his back. Sebastian found a tissue to wipe his eyes, then tidied his ruffled hair.

“Now Kleiner you mustn’t touch the tree.”

“Sorry I only looked away a sec,” apologised Fabian once more.

“All it takes. Don’t worry, we do it all the time.”

“He’s like lightning aren’t you bud?” commented Mark. “Faster than a speeding bullet, causing chaos and destruction wherever you go.” He looked over at the tree. “What do we reckon? Gonna have to come up with something to guard it.”

 

Sebastian puffed a breath and looked at the base. They’d already bought what was meant to be a super-stable container to keep it upright, but if you pulled at it then that apparently wasn’t enough.

“We’re going to have to put something round it.”

“Mm.”

Fabian looked at all the large empty boxes on the far side of the lounge and suddenly had a brainwave.

“I’ve got an idea.”

He started collecting the boxes, then arranged them around the base of the tree to form a guard, then looked back to his hosts.

“So like, if you put something heavy in them so he can’t pull them over.”

Seb frowned at the mostly plain cardboard boxes, thinking they didn’t look very festive. He was wondering if they could find some kind of fencing online, though that would have to withstand Teddy using it to help him stand and pull that over in turn. Mark took Teddy next to the boxes and stood him up, letting the baby reach out to see that like this even the lower branches and their contents were too far away for him to clutch.

“Think you might be on to something Fabe.”

“They don’t look very Christmassy I know, but...”

“We could wrap them,” proposed Sebastian.

The other two looked at him.

“Wrap them,” he repeated, “Like they’re big presents.”

Mark laughed, then nodded.

“We’ve got some actual big presents upstairs we could add.”

“Do you think it’d work?”

“Worth a go. Nice idea Fabe.”

“Hey what about my idea of wrapping them?” pressed Seb.

“Also good darling,” assured Mark with a kiss to his cheek. He lifted Teddy up before he could cause any more problems and smiled. “More work to do then. Now what have we got that we can stick in them to weigh them down?”

 

The earlier idea of taking a second walk with the dogs went out the window as they set about doing their best to baby-proof the tree. They put Teddy down for a nap while they got on with things, then when he woke again brought him back down to show him their progress.

Mark smiled to see how carefully Seb had wrapped the largest square boxes, tying bows at the top as if they contained precious gifts, not assorted items from the kitchen and the gym just to weigh them down. Once done, they tried wobbling them, only letting Teddy loose once they had certified that the arrangement was safe.

“There we go kiddo, Teddy-proof,” declared Mark as he let him stand by one of the fake presents holding onto it but unable to stretch those little arms far enough to grasp tree or decorations. “Really quite ingenious.”

Fabian smiled and set his shoulders back.

“Thanks.”

Teddy banged his hands on the boxes so Seb lifted him away.

“We’ve got a few bits left to sort.”

“Sure.”

“Shall I put some music on?”

Mark smiled.

“Why not?”

 

He wasn’t at all surprised that Seb had some Christmas music on his iPod as he set it up with the speakers in the lounge.

“Michael Bublé isn’t cool,” pronounced Fabian.

“Christmas music isn’t supposed to be cool,” argued Sebastian.

“I think it’s perfect,” Mark insisted.

Fabian crouched down to where Teddy was rolling one of the baubles he had been allowed.

“What do you think Teddy?”

Teddy patted the bauble, then peered in at his reflection in it before laughing and throwing it at his uncle who only just had time to react and catch it.

“I think he’s on the fence,” decided Fabian.

“Just so long as he doesn’t climb our little fence,” replied Mark.

 

They went back to doing the last bits of decorating and re-tidying the tree, Seb switching the iPod to put some more upbeat Christmas songs on. Teddy seemed to like those, standing holding onto the sofa as he bounced his little legs in time to the music, bobbing up and down to the great amusement of all the adults. Seb crouched beside him, filming it on his phone to send to their families.

“Ooh we should put him in the elf outfit!”

Mark laughed and shook his head, but he knew there was no point objecting.

“As you like darling.”

Five minutes later Seb returned with Teddy dressed in red and white stripey leggings with a green long-sleeved top complete with a printed design on the front to look like an elf outfit. He even had a little stretch cotton hat with a pretend felt bell at the pointed top.

“Look,” grinned Seb.

Mark laughed as he came over.

“Ah poor lad.”

“He likes it.”

Teddy reached up and pulled off the little hat, throwing it to the floor.

“If you say so,” smiled Mark.

Fabian rescued the hat and put it back on him.

“He is ridiculously cute to be fair.”

“That’s true,” accepted Mark. “Let’s get a pic then. Come on buddy, you stand with Papa.”

 

He snapped a quick picture of Teddy stood holding Seb’s shoulder, an amusingly quizzical expression on his little face as he seemed to be wondering why they were doing this. Seb had already had to twice put the hat back on him, but now Mark assured him he had a good picture he left it on the floor when Teddy pulled it off again.

“Not keen on that are you Teddy?” teased Mark.

“Let’s see the photo,” Seb requested.

Mark showed him and Fabian.

“Ha, Santa’s little helper,” laughed Fabian. “We could stick him on the tree.”

Sebastian pouted.

“Aw, no.”

“Don’t think the tree would survive,” noted Mark.

Teddy sat busily trying to pull one of his socks off his feet now, so Seb lifted him up and stood to admire their tree.

“Now we’ve just got to add the star,” noted Mark.

Sebastian smiled at Teddy.

“He should do it.”

“Ha, how well do you think that would end?”

“Hmm, guess not.”

“You do it darling.”

“I’m not tall enough.”

A wicked grin appeared on Mark’s face.

“Fabe mate can you hang onto Teddy, make sure he doesn’t get into mischief?”

 

He took Teddy from Seb and passed him to his brother-in-law, then went over to find the star to fit on the topmost point on the tree.

“Come on then,” he prompted Seb. “Fabe stay back a bit. Just in case.”

“Just in case of what?” worried Sebastian.

“Come here.”

“Oh lord.”

Mark put the star into Seb’s hand and sent Fabian a wink before leading Seb to stand as close to their barricade of boxes as they could.

“Now you’re going to need to hang on with one hand and reach with the other,” he instructed.

“Hang on to what?”

“Me.”

“Huh?”

Mark moved the hand holding the star out by the tree, then placed Sebastian’s other hand on his shoulder.

“Mark.”

“It’s fine. Just go with it.”

“Oh mein Gott.”

Before he had any more time to protest Mark ducked down and wrapped his arms around Seb’s lower legs, quickly hoisting him up into the air and holding his legs into his body.

“I’m gonna fall!”

“No you’re not, quick, stick the star on.”

“Liebling!”

“You’re up there, do it quick!”

 

Sebastian clutched hold of Mark’s shoulder with his spare hand and strained to reach up and over to put the star onto the top of the tree without toppling full body into it. He veered for a moment, Mark frantically hanging onto him as Seb missed positioning it, then just got it in place before veering the other way in his efforts not to crash into the tree.

“Argh Mark!”

The pair of them tottered slightly, Mark taking a step away from the tree before letting Seb slide down in a reasonably controlled motion. Then the two of them collapsed onto the sofa in a giggling heap, Fabian laughing in the background.

“That’s your parents little elf,” he warned Teddy. “I’d get used to this if I were you.”

Seb and Mark were rearranging themselves on the sofa and Seb held his arms out, so Fabian passed Teddy over before perching on the arm of the sofa by them.

“Why didn’t you just get a chair or a ladder?” he asked.

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Where’s the fun in that?”

 

 

That evening they sat in the lounge watching appropriately enough ‘Elf’ on DVD. Teddy was long in bed though by the time his parents cuddled up on the sofa, Fabian taking an armchair to the side while the Christmas tree sparkled and the fire burned, all lending the cold December night a nice atmosphere. Shadow and Simba lay piled together on the rug in front of the fire under strict injunction not to go anywhere near the tree even if there were boxes guarding it.

Though his brother was laughing along with them to the film Seb wondered if Fabian wasn’t quiet again this evening. Teddy seemed to cheer him up in the day, but now perhaps he had time to think and Sebastian wasn’t sure that was a good thing in the circumstances.

“Does anyone want a cup of tea?” he enquired.

“I’m good sweetheart,” assured Mark.

“Fabe?”

“Hm? Oh, no I’m fine thanks.”

“Righto.”

Seb nodded, thinking that ploy hadn’t worked. Maybe his brother was just concentrating on the film? Or was he brooding? It was so hard to tell. Sebastian looked to Mark, trying to give him a hint that he was struggling to start a conversation. Mark saw the way Seb looked to his brother and gave an imperceptible nod in reply.

 

“So Fabe mate, have you got much planned when you get home?” Mark began.

Fabian turned to them.

“Erm, not a lot. Most of my friends aren’t back for another week.”

“Ah right.”

“I’ve got an essay to do for when we go back so I suppose I should try to get that out of the way.”

Mark nodded.

“That sounds a good idea. You can really enjoy Christmas without worrying then.”

“Mm.”

“So you’re going to see your friends?” tried Sebastian.

“Well yeah.”

“Good. And other than that?”

“Well you know what Mum’s like,” pointed out Fabian. “She’ll want to do things and then the others will be over for Christmas proper and that.”

“Right.”

Fabian sighed as he guessed what his brother was getting at.

“I’m not gonna spend two weeks sat outside Ana’s house pining if that’s what you’re worrying about.”

Mark sent him a look and Fabian realised what an ill-advised thing that was to say given his brother's history.

“I mean I wouldn't do that,” he hurried.

“No mate, we know that,” Mark assured him.

Fabian huffed out a heavy breath.

“I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Not a lot you can do.”

“No.” Fabian puffed another breath. “I mean is it wrong to call her? She did say she wanted to stay friends.”

Mark let out a wry little laugh.

“People say that mate. It’s rarely that easy.”

“Hmm.”

 

Sebastian didn’t want his brother to think he was a bad person just because of his own unpleasant experiences. Wanting to see someone didn’t make you a stalker, but Seb found himself thinking of things more from Ana’s point of view than his brother's.

“Maybe just drop her a text and see if she’s comfortable responding,” he suggested.

“I have sent her a couple,” admitted Fabian. “Not like loads, but just, you know… I checked she’s okay and I told her I was coming here.”

“Right. Did she reply?”

“Yeah, I mean, not long replies, but something. She said she hoped I had a good time and stuff.”

“Uh-huh, well that sounds okay.”

Seb glanced to Mark.

“Yeah,” Mark agreed. “I think you’ve just got to be careful.”

“So I don’t seem weird about it?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I dunno. I mean what do I know, but I’d just give her space.”

“It’s just a couple of texts. I’m not hassling her.”

“Of course not.”

Fabian bit his lip.

“I was thinking of asking if she wanted to meet up when she’s home. Do you think that’s a bad idea?”

“Ah I don’t know Fabe, it’s your call.”

“Maybe if she texts me to say she’s home? I mean, wouldn't that suggest she’d like to see me?”

“Maybe. I guess it depends what she says.”

“Assuming she does at all. I suppose if she doesn’t, I get the message, or not as it were.”

 

Fabian gave them a dry smile and shrugged which only made his brother want to hug him.

“Ah Fabe it’s horrible we know. You’ve not done anything wrong.”

“I really tried. We did visit and stuff, but you’re just so busy at uni.”

“Of course you are and you’re meeting new people and all that.”

“Hm, she certainly did,” commented Fabian dourly.

Seb looked to Mark who could only shrug.

“These things happen mate. Not much you can do about it.”

“I really thought we were serious. I mean we…” Fabian looked awkwardly to them. “I mean, before we went away to uni, we, you know…”

 

Sebastian hid his surprise as he saw his brother's cheeks pink a little at confessing that. Somehow he’d thought his brother would tell him if and when he had finally slept with his girlfriend, but then what right did he have to expect that? It wasn’t as if Seb had rung his brother the day after he first slept with Mark to tell him.

“Right.”

“And I wouldn't have done that if we weren’t really serious. Or at least I thought we were. She said she was.”

Mark shook his head.

“I’m sure at the time she thought so. Things change mate, especially when you’re so young.”

“I suppose, but I mean, when we visited as well and…”

Fabian trailed off uncomfortably. This was so difficult, even with his brother and Mark who were always so kind and helpful about things. He’d thought he was doing the right thing, doing what they would have told him to. He hadn’t persuaded her, he’d waited and waited until Ana had seemed to be as keen as him to make their relationship more serious. It had felt like they were putting a seal on things before they were parted, but perhaps they’d just been fooling themselves.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he offered.

“Oh no, Fabe you don’t have to tell us anything,” assured Seb. “It’s totally your business.”

“I nearly did. I just…”

Fabian shrugged, remembering numerous conversations they’d had where he had chickened out of telling his brother as Seb busily went on about Teddy or what was happening during a race weekend. His own stuff seemed small by comparison.

“You never have to tell us anything you don’t want to Fabe,” repeated Seb. “Only if you want to.”

Fabian huffed an almost laugh.

“I did want to. I just, I dunno...” He let out the longest sigh. “I thought I was being a good guy. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my friends. Even when they asked, I always fobbed them off like you said to.”

“Oh Fabe.”

“I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“You were.”

“You were,” echoed Mark. “And you are a good guy mate.”

“So why did she dump me then?”

 

Fabian’s voice caught and all of a sudden he started crying, surprising even himself with how abruptly that had hit him, leaving him unable to stop the flow of emotion. Sebastian’s hand went to his mouth to see such distress from him, then he rushed over, sitting on the arm of the chair and putting his arm around his brother.

“Fabe I’m so sorry.”

Fabian turned his head and sniffled into his brother's middle as Seb kept him held in and rubbed over his arm at the same time. Mark sighed and stood, going to stand by them. Seb looked up at him and all Mark could do was nod, knowing that his husband had been right about his brother suppressing his feelings. Of course he was right. Seb knew about such things only too well.

“I’m gonna make us some tea,” Mark announced quietly.

Sebastian nodded, then looked to his brother, rubbing over his arm again as Mark left them.

“I’m so sorry Fabe. It isn’t fair.”

Fabian tried wiping at his face.

“I feel so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid. You’re a good person. If she can’t see that…”

Fabian took in a shaky breath.

“But she does. That’s, I mean, it doesn’t make sense. She says all those things. Even now, even when she was splitting up with me she kept saying she knew I was a good guy and it wasn’t me, it wasn’t my fault.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Why then?”

“Ah Fabe I don’t know. Life isn’t fair. Bad stuff happens.”

Fabian looked up at him and felt suddenly guilty.

“I know it’s not… I mean, it’s just a break up. I know I’m just...”

He wiped away at his eyes and Seb pulled him in a little closer.

“You’re hurt. Of course you are. It’s okay to be upset. It’d be weird if you weren’t.”

“I guess.”

 

Fabian closed his eyes and let himself cry into his brother for a bit. It felt better to be hugged in like this. To feel comfort. As he let himself appreciate it Fabian thought oddly how it was the hug he’d really wanted from their mother, but he’d been too embarrassed by her enquiries, and all her well-meant attempts to console him by bad-mouthing Ana had only put his back up.

He took a deeper breath and sat up a little, wiping at his face.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Sebastian dug in his pocket for a clean tissue, reflecting that as a father he now always had such things to hand. He passed it over and said nothing as his brother dried his eyes.

“I’m such an idiot.”

Seb looked at him firmly.

“No you’re not.”

Fabian looked at him.

“Crying over a girl.”

“Because you’re upset. There’s nothing wrong with that. Anyone would. It shows you care. I’ve cried plenty, more than plenty.”

 

The two brothers looked at one another and Fabian nodded. He had seen his older brother cry more than once and though it had been horrible, it was strangely reassuring to know it was acceptable. Fabian took in a deeper breath to steady himself, then smiled as he realised the dogs had got up and were nuzzling into his legs. He reached to give them a rub.

“Thanks boys.”

“They’re worried about you.”

Fabian managed a half smile, then puffed out a long breath.

“I’m okay.” He looked to Shadow and Simba. “I’m alright boys. I’m just being silly.”

“No you’re not,” insisted Sebastian. “Much better to let it out. Believe me, I know.”

 

Fabian looked to him, not quite sure how to respond to that. Then the door opened, Mark appearing juggling three mugs of tea. He looked to Seb to check it was okay to come in, then brought the mugs to place on the coffee table before getting a better grip and passing one mug to Fabian, then Seb. He picked up his own mug and hovered, not sure whether to leave them to it. Fabian could tell Mark was thinking of going so he shook his head.

“It’s okay, I’m just being an idiot about stuff.”

“No you’re not,” repeated Sebastian.

“Course you’re not,” echoed Mark. “Don’t be daft.”

Fabian huffed a laugh at the contradictory statement, but he knew Mark meant it kindly.

“Thanks.” He took a sip of his tea. He frowned a little. “Sugar?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Mark knows what he’s doing.”

Fabian didn’t want to seem ungrateful, so he drank some more. It wasn’t too bad and it did weirdly feel better to drink something warm.

“My friends would laugh at me.”

Mark shook his head and perched in front of the pair of them on the coffee table.

“No they wouldn't mate, not if they’re real friends.”

“I guess.”

“And if they’re not, then bollocks to them.”

 

Both Fabian and Seb laughed at that. Sebastian sent his husband a smile thinking how he always appreciated his bluff forthrightness.

“Course you’re upset,” offered Mark. “You cared about her and it hurts when things don’t work out.”

“That’s what I said,” Seb noted.

Mark nodded.

“Well your brother knows the score.”

Fabian let out a sigh.

“You guys are so lucky.”

“Yeah we are,” agreed Seb.

“No easy road though,” measured Mark.

 

Fabian looked at him and nodded, knowing that was true. He drank his tea for a minute feeling himself settle, though he noted that his brother hadn’t moved his arm from around him.

“What do you think I should do?” he asked.

Sebastian couldn't think what to say, so he let Mark.

“We don’t have all the answers mate. I wish we did.”

“What do you think though?”

“Honestly? I reckon best thing you can do is just get on with stuff.”

“You should do what feels right,” offered Seb. “If that’s just taking time for yourself then do that.”

“I guess at least it’s the holidays.”

“Exactly.”

“If I were you mate I’d try and get out a bit,” advised Mark. “See your friends. Your real friends, the ones you can count on. If you want to talk, talk, and if you don’t, then just have some fun, or try to. Play some footie, go to the cinema or for a drink or whatever. You don’t have to do it all the time, but I’m sure it’d help to have a few things to look forward to.”

Fabian nodded.

“Yeah I guess.”

“And if you feel like burying your head in a pillow some days, then just do that.”

Fabian gave him a little smile.

“Thanks.”

“Just a suggestion.”

“No it’s good.”

“Stef’s good to talk to as well you know,” suggested Sebastian.

“You don’t think she’d think I’m being silly about it?”

“No. She really wouldn't. I know she and Mel joke and stuff, but when it comes down to it they aren’t like that. Stef especially, she’s a good listener.”

“I suppose I could go over to help with Sofie.”

“Good idea.”

“Yeah maybe.”

“She could give you a girl’s perspective. Mark and I can’t really do that.”

Fabian huffed a little laugh.

“Guess not. I’m not sure I could tell her everything, I mean, you know…”

“Right.”

“You won’t tell her will you?”

“Of course not.”

“No okay, sorry.”

“That’s alright. Anything you tell me and Mark stays here.”

Fabian smiled.

“You’re a pair.”

 

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder and his brother nodded, knowing that unless he specifically spoke to his brother alone and asked him to keep it to himself it was usually both of them he was confiding in. He didn’t really mind when Mark was such a solid, reassuring presence. In all honesty it was strange to think of a time when Mark hadn’t been there with his brother. That was a long time ago, back when he was just a kid.

“Look mate, I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now, but you’re young, you’re at uni. You’re going to meet loads of people,” suggested Mark, trying to sound upbeat.

Fabian huffed a dry laugh.

“Plenty more fish in the sea? That’s what Dad said.”

“Well it is true.”

“And you’re a good catch,” added Sebastian.

Fabian laughed dryly and shook his head.

“You are,” insisted his brother. “You’ll meet someone new. Someone who really appreciates you.”

“They won’t believe how lucky they’ve got,” concurred Mark.

Fabian looked from one to the other.

“You guys want to write my Tinder entry?”

“Oh god would you do that?” asked Sebastian.

Fabian shrugged.

“Dunno. People do, but… I dunno, I think I’d rather just meet someone normally.”

“And you will,” assured Mark.

 

Fabian gave the dogs a stroke. If only people were as easily affectionate and open like dogs were. Shadow kept rubbing his nose into his thigh while Simba sat on his feet. They were a comforting presence.

“The stupid thing is I can’t stop hoping she’ll change her mind,” he admitted. “Like we’ll meet and she’ll say she realises she’s made a terrible mistake.”

“And beg you to take her back?” asked Mark with a raised eyebrow.

“I know it’s just what I _want_ to happen.”

“Mm.”

Fabian sighed and set down his mug.

“I know deep down that’s not gonna happen.”

“Probably best to be realistic mate,” advised Mark.

“We know that’s hard though,” Seb offered.

“Yeah course,” agreed Mark, “but just don’t go setting yourself up to get hurt even more, that’s all.”

Fabian nodded.

“Do you think it’d be a mistake to see her? If she seems to want to I mean.”

“That’s up to you mate.”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong in seeing her,” assured Seb. “Not if she agrees. Maybe go for coffee somewhere neutral.”

“You can always make your excuses and leave if it’s not working out,” offered Mark.

“Yeah I guess. I dunno. I’ll see if she texts when she’s back.”

“I think a bit of time is good,” Sebastian suggested.

“Mm.”

“In the meantime I reckon you just do what you want to,” advised Mark. “Like we said, see how you feel. Try and have a bit of fun though. I know it might feel like the world is ending, but it’s not.”

“This too shall pass?”

“Pretty much. Easy to for us to say, but you will be alright I promise you.”

“Thanks.”

“And we’re here. You can call as often as you like,” assured Seb.

“Thanks.”

“That’s always true.”

Fabian nodded.

 

“And Mum and Dad. I know they’re tricky, but they do care.”

“I know. I just…” Fabian puffed. “You know what they’re like: Mum’s too much and Dad just doesn’t get it.”

“Mm.”

“I think it’s a generational thing,” offered Mark.

“They do mean well,” asserted Seb. “It’s just they’re not so good at what to say.”

Fabian gave a dry laugh.

“Yeah.”

“Well if nothing else let your mum spoil you a bit,” proposed Mark. “I bet she’s dying to do that now she’s got her baby home.”

Fabian shook his head, but he was smiling.

“You don’t need to tell her everything,” advised Sebastian.

“I’m glad at least I can tell you.”

“Good.”

“And listen mate,” added Mark, “if you want to try seeing Ana, that’s fine, but just bear in mind there’s no way it’s not gonna be awkward at best.”

“Thanks.”

“Well sorry, but you need to be prepared.”

“We don’t want you getting more hurt,” added Sebastian.

Fabian nodded.

“I know I’m not really going to change her mind.”

“Okay.”

“I just don’t want to leave things like this.”

“Well that’s fair enough,” assented Mark. “Just don’t feel bad if she…”

“Rejects me again.”

“Don’t think about it that way,” asserted Seb.

“I just want to see her and then,” Fabian sighed heavily. “I know it’s just gonna be the same. I just need to see her face to face. I’m not gonna have a go at her or anything.”

“We know you wouldn't.”

“I don’t even want to make her feel bad about it. I know she does already. I just need, I dunno…”

“Closure maybe?” tried Mark.

Fabian shrugged.

“I guess.”

“I’d just say have a bit of armour on, you know.”

“Not literally,” amended Seb.

Fabian sent him a look.

“I know what he meant.”

Sebastian nodded.

“It is a help, thanks,” offered Fabian.

“Good. Well we may be a couple of boring old marrieds, but we have been there.”

“Not exactly there, but in the vicinity,” adjusted Seb.

“Right.”

“Sometimes it’s just where you are in life,” suggested Mark. “I know you’re probably sick of being told that you’re young and this is just how it goes.

 

Fabian shrugged, so like his brother that it made Mark want to smile.

“It wasn’t like I thought we were getting married.”

“No, well you’re a teenager mate. You don’t even know what’s out there. Somebody amazing you’ve not even met yet.”

“Someone who’s perfect for you,” agreed Seb.

Fabian gave them a wry smile.

“Like you two.”

“Well there’s the thing mate,” offered Mark. “After all I didn’t get together with your brother until I was what, thirty-seven, thirty-eight.”

Fabian raised his eyebrows.

“Which?”

“Ha, bit of a blurred line mate.”

Seb looked to his brother.

“You know we lived together before we got together.”

“Logical,” commented Fabian dryly.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yeah mate, easy with hindsight.”

“Sorry.”

“Nah it is a bit crazy looking back, but my point was I was twice your age before I met the right person.”

“Technically we met years earlier,” pointed out Seb.

“Well yeah but not really.”

 

Fabian had heard the story of how they had known and not known each other before. It never entirely made sense to him, but then he’d thought he had known Ana and that had gone entirely the other way.

“How old were you when you first met?” he asked. “I mean actually met just as people.”

Sebastian smiled at the description, but he knew what his brother meant.

“I think I was nineteen, still with the junior programme when Mark joined RedBull, not that I think we even had a conversation.”

“How old were you Mark?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Oh god, thirty I suppose if Seb was nineteen.”

“Ha.”

“It sounds so wrong,” sighed Mark shaking his head.

“Nothing happened back then,” assured Sebastian.

“Not even a longing glance?” pressed Fabian.

“Not from me I’m afraid,” Mark insisted. “Definitely would have felt wrong.”

“Mark’s too good for that,” praised Seb, reaching over to touch his knee.

 

Fabian saw the way he looked at Mark and suspected the same may not have been entirely true on his brother's part. Still, in a way it was reassuring to know it had taken them many years to really find one another. His father had repeatedly told him he ought to be meeting lots of girls and just having fun at his age and while he didn’t really want to hear it, Fabian did know it was unlikely to meet ‘the one’ at eighteen, even if technically his brother had at nineteen. Perhaps there was someone he’d met who he didn’t really know was special yet. It was a hopeful thought at least. Fabian took in a deep breath and sat away from his brother, only now realising how he had stayed pressed into him like a little boy needing a cuddle.

“Thanks.”

Sebastian turned to him.

“Helps to talk a bit, yeah?”

“Yeah definitely.”

“Good.”

 

Seb looked to Mark and Fabian could tell he was missing a private conversation. One day he hoped he would have that kind of relationship with someone, but he couldn't resent seeing it when he knew how his brother had been so unhappy in the past and Fabian sensed he didn’t know all of that, maybe not even half of what had gone on. Not that he could ask. Why spoil what they had now?

Sebastian gave Mark a nod and turned to his brother.

“Fabe do you want to stay a bit longer?”

Fabian was slightly surprised. Somehow that hadn’t been what he thought they were communicating about.

“Here?”

“Yes of course.”

“Oh um...”

“Can if you want mate,” added Mark. “Sure Teddy’d love it if you stuck around. We’ve got his little party for his baby group on Thursday, you could come to that.”

Fabian huffed a laugh.

“Would I get a balloon and some cake?”

“Have to see what we could muster, but I’m sure we could scare some treats up.”

“We could rearrange your flight for the weekend or something?” offered Seb.

Fabian puffed a breath. It was a nice idea, but it also felt a bit like running away from things and he really did have to get that work done.

“It’s very kind, but I think I’ll go back as planned.”

“Oh okay.”

“It really is kind of you, but I want to get that essay out of the way before the rest of my friends get back next week and just… I dunno.”

“Get a bit of time to yourself,” suggested Mark.

“Yeah. Thanks though.”

“No problem.”

“When do you go back after Christmas?” checked Seb.

“Pretty much straight after New Year.”

“Ah okay. Well, you know you’re always welcome here.”

“Thanks. Maybe at Easter?”

“Sure.”

“We’ll get the diaries out,” offered Mark.

 

Fabian smiled. He knew their diaries were always packed, but somehow they made room for him and that did feel good.

“I could always come to a race,” he suggested. “Help look after Teddy.”

“That’d be good mate.”

“Teddy loves his Onkel Fabian,” Seb added.

Fabian smiled.

“Thanks. I love him too, and you guys.”

Sebastian leaned in and hugged him tight.

“You too, you know that right?”

Fabian sat up and nodded.

“Thanks.”

 

He sighed, then looked over to the TV.

“Film’s finishing.”

The other two looked over to see the credits rolling. They’d barely noticed it was still on.

“We can rewind,” offered Mark.

Fabian paused.

“You know what I think I might go to bed.”

“Are you okay?” checked Sebastian.

“Yeah just tired.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

 

Fabian stood up and the other two copied him.

“I could just use an early night,” assured Fabian. “Make the most of tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“You know Teddy will give you an early wake up call,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. That’s okay. Right, night then. Thanks for, you know.”

“No problem.”

Sebastian gave his brother a firm hug, then a nod which he hoped said all that needed to be said. Mark gave Fabian a hug as well.

“Thanks.”

“Alright then mate, we’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah, night.”

 

Once Fabian had left the room Mark stepped in and gave Sebastian a hug as well.

“You okay?” he checked.

Seb shrugged and puffed a breath.

“I guess. I wish there was something we could do.”

“I think we just did what we can do.”

“Yeah. I spose.”

Mark took Seb’s hand to lead him to sit back down on the sofa.

“You don’t want to see your brother unhappy, but we can’t magic it better for him. It’s not nice, but these things happen.”

“Hmm.”

“Might be best he does go home. Let your mum fuss a bit. Let Fabe just put his pillow over his head in his room if that’s what he feels like doing.”

Sebastian nodded, then leaned into Mark, getting another hug from him.

“He’ll be alright darling.”

Seb nodded again, slinking his arms around Mark’s back and resting his head on his shoulder.

“He’ll be alright,” repeated Mark softly.

Sebastian sighed into him then sat up.

“He will be okay won’t he?”

Mark rubbed over his arm and gave it a little squeeze knowing that Seb just needed to hear reassurance to stop his mind spinning up with worries.

“Course he will. He’ll be fine sweetheart. It’s just a shit thing to go through, but he’ll get to the other side.”

Seb gave him a wry smile.

“Are you going to say it’s character building?”

Mark smiled back to him.

“I suspect it’s a bit of character we could all do without, but it is just one of those things. He’ll survive.”

“Yeah guess so.”

Stroking over Seb’s cheek Mark let out a little sigh.

“More like you than he knows and that means he’s stronger than he knows too.”

Seb nodded.

“You knew he was bottling it up,” Mark noted.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder and Mark nodded back. Though the two brothers were disparate in age and had spent much of their lives apart, the similarities and the connection between them was unmissable. It might only be a break-up, but Mark knew how that could feel like the end of the world at the time. It did no good simply telling Fabian he would get over it, as if feelings didn’t matter at his age.

“You’re there for him and I think that’s about all we can do.”

“Yeah. I’m glad we asked him to come here.”

“Me too.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Who would have climbed the tree otherwise?”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Probably me.”

“Probably.”

 

Seb leaned into him and found himself gazing at the menu screen for the DVD that had played out.

“You want to put it to where we’d got up to?” asked Mark.

“Hm? Oh, no not really.”

“No,” Mark agreed thinking he wasn’t much in the mood now either. “Put something else on?”

“Can we just go to bed?”

“If you want. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah I just like being in bed with you.”

Mark laughed.

“Well that I can’t argue with.”

“I just think like Fabe said; an early night, make the most of tomorrow.”

“Right you are then.”

 

Mark kissed his cheek before reaching for the remote control to turn the TV and DVD off, then offered Seb a hand to help him stand. Sebastian collected up the mugs as Mark looked to be sure the fire was burning down and the guard in place before indicating to the dogs.

“C’mon boys we’re all going to bed.”

Entering the kitchen Seb put the mugs in the sink while Mark topped up the dogs’ bowls for the night. He ruffled over their fur as they both had a drink.

“Good boys.”

Mark gave them another rub thinking how Fabian had joked with Pauline earlier as if he was a dog to be petted or a little boy to be indulged. Mark guessed he had just wanted a bit of affection to cheer him up, and like Seb hid it with jokes. Fabian wasn’t a little boy any more though. Not a kid and yet in some ways still terribly innocent and vulnerable to getting hurt, but there was no way to avoid that in life in one form or another. At least a break up was a normal thing to happen, nothing like the terrible things Seb had endured when he was younger. Mark knew though that was at least part of why Seb felt so protective of his brother.

Sebastian came to crouch with him and gave the dogs a stroke as well.

“You’ll be sad when Fabe goes won’t you?” he said to them.

Simba nuzzled at his hand and Seb smiled, looking to Mark.

“They came straight over when he was upset.”

“Course they did,” agreed Mark. “Take care of our own don’t we? Hm? Yeah.”

He gave them a last rub, then looked to Seb.

“Right sweetheart, bed then?”

“Yep.”

 

Not long later they lay in bed together, neither asleep. Sebastian settled into Mark, his head resting at the top of his chest, Mark’s left arm around to keep him safely in place. He stared out into the darkness wondering if his brother was asleep, if he was okay. Seb had considered knocking on his door to check on him in much the same way they had checked on Teddy before going to bed, but he’d left it, thinking Fabian might either be sleeping already or needing his privacy. It had been awful seeing him so upset earlier. Seb thought he would do anything to stop his brother getting hurt, but there wasn’t much you could do to protect hearts from getting broken.

He let out an accidental sigh so Mark kissed his forehead and wrapped his other arm around him to hold him tighter.

“He’ll be okay sweetheart.”

Seb smiled a little to know Mark understood what he was thinking about.

“Mm. Hope so.”

“He will. Made of stern stuff Vettels. I should know, I married one.”

Seb couldn't help laughing slightly at that. He squeezed into Mark and closed his eyes. Mark was always right about things.

 

 

 

On the Wednesday true to their word they were up bright and early, largely thanks to Teddy’s regular alarm call. Seeing as he had woken Fabian too who got up to say hello to him, rather than go back to bed to feed him, they all went down to the kitchen, sitting around in pyjamas and warm fluffy dressing gowns drinking tea, or in Teddy’s case, warm milk as his uncle had a go at feeding him while Seb made toast to keep them going.

Mark looked out of the window, but seeing as it was barely six am it was still pitch dark out.

“Should be a better day today,” he predicted.

“How can you tell?” asked Fabian looking up from Teddy.

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Can’t see many clouds out there, bright moon.”

Sebastian put a plate of toast in front of his brother.

“Also we checked the forecast.”

“Ah.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well we were thinking what to do.”

“We thought maybe you might like to go for lunch somewhere,” proposed Sebastian.

“Oh right. Yeah whatever you like,” agreed Fabian.

“There’s a walk by the river to a dog-friendly pub not too far away.”

“Sounds good.”

“Your brother's been researching,” explained Mark with a smile.

“Ah okay.”

“So if we maybe just have a play here this morning, then head out, have an early-ish lunch then bob back for a swim perhaps and that should give us plenty of time before we need to take you to the airport.”

“Sure. I can get a taxi you know.”

“Nah, we’ll take you.”

“We want to take you,” confirmed Seb.

“Okay then, thanks.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb a smile. All planned out as he liked. Now they could just concentrate on enjoying their time together.

 

When Pauline arrived they were back in the kitchen, having what Sebastian liked to call ‘second breakfast’. Fabian was tucking into a bacon sandwich as Seb and Mark attempted to feed Teddy in his high-chair. As usual half of the food was ending up on the floor as teedy insisted on feeding himself, or even in at least one instance, landing directly into the waiting mouth of one of the dogs who strategically positioned themselves ready for scraps coming their way. Pauline smiled as Teddy tried to shovel a spoonful of porridge into his mouth with one hand whilst grasping a small piece of soft fruit in his other, neither going particularly well into his mouth.

“Morning all,” she greeted.

“Oh hey Pauline,” smiled Seb as the dogs rushed over for a quick stroke before resuming their station by the table.

Pauline put down her bags.

“Cold out there this morning,” she announced.

“Looks it,” agreed Mark.

“Clear though, so that’s something.”

“We’re going out for a walk somewhere later,” stated Fabian.

“Are you dear? Very nice. It’s your last day isn’t it?”

“Yep. Not going until later though.”

“Very good. Now I brought you a little something.”

“Me?”

“Only a little thing.”

 

Pauline went to her bags and produced another tin, handing it over to Fabian.

“Oh wow. Thanks.”

“It’s just more shortbread.”

Fabian opened the tin to see it was packed with more of the delicious homemade shortbread he had enjoyed the day before.

“That’s brilliant, thank you.”

“Very kind of you Pauline,” added Mark.

Fabian closed the lid and put it on the table.

“I haven’t got you anything.”

“Oh don’t be silly. It’s just a bit of baking.”

 

Fabian stood up and gave her a big hug, surprising Pauline with the feeling behind it. She hugged him back wondering if he missed his mother.

“Nice to be appreciated,” she smiled.

“We appreciate you,” assured Seb.

“Oh I know. I meant the baking.”

“It was lovely yesterday.”

“I just thought with your diets.”

“Of course. We can’t eat all that we’d like to,” agreed Mark, not wanting her to feel she ought to have brought more for them.

“We’ve still got a bit left over,” added Seb.

“Well I’m taking this all home,” Fabian asserted.

Pauline laughed.

“I thought you might dear. Oh and just so you two don’t feel neglected.” She reached into another bag and produced a Christmas wreath composed purely of holly sprigs and their berries.

“Oh that’s lovely,” proclaimed Seb as he stood to look at it. “Is it real?”

“Real?”

“Real holly.”

Pauline laughed as Seb carefully touched a sprig, pulling his hand away as it proved as sharp as it looked.

“Of course it is. I thought it would be nice for the front door.”

“It’s great.”

“You do spoil us,” smiled Mark. He looked to Teddy. “Doesn’t she? Auntie Pauline spoils us.”

 

Teddy merely reached for the spoon his father had taken to feed him with so Mark let him go back to trying to do it for himself. Sebastian took the wreath to place on the kitchen table and gave Pauline a hug as well.

“I am doing well today,” she teased.

“Ha.”

“Did you make it?” asked Fabian as he sat back down.

“Oh no dear. Not my forté, but I was at the W.I. last night and they had a little stall so I thought I’d get one for you as well as me.”

“We should give you the money for it,” asserted Seb.

“Don’t you dare. It’s a present.”

“Oh, well…”

“And the money’s for charity anyway.”

“Got us there,” smiled Mark. “Cheers Pauline, very good of you. There’s tea in the pot if you’d like some?”

“I had one before I left. No, I’ll get on. If you’re in here I’ll do the lounge if that’s okay?”

“If you like. Thanks.”

 

Pauline nodded and went to sort herself out in the hallway. A minute or two later the sound of hoovering filtered through. Mark watched as Teddy smothered his bib in porridge at the same time as mashing a blueberry into his mouth.

“That woman’s too good for us.”

Sebastian smiled as he sat back with him.

“Our Christmas angel.”

“Our year-round angel.”

Sebastian laughed and picked up the cloth to wipe their son’s face again. He’d got gloopy porridge all over the sleeve of his nice top with its embroidered picture of Santa and his sleigh on the front. Brand new and destined to go straight into the wash. Typical.

 

 

A few hours later they were out in that cold winter air, walking along the tarmac’d riverside path that Seb had checked would make life easy for pushing Teddy along in his buggy. There was a bright sun above, but that blue sky belied a sharply freezing temperature that meant they all had clouds of breath coming from their mouths and noses, even little Teddy who sat wrapped up in snowsuit, padded sleeping-bag leg cover and woolly hat. With his tiny hands covered by both mittens and the folded-over hand protectors of his snowsuit, Teddy couldn't really play with the little toys attached to his pushchair so her merely sat looking up at Mark pushing him, his nose and cheeks pink.

“You alright there kiddo?” Mark checked.

“Ah-Dadada-dah.”

“Yeah mate.”

“Is he okay?” asked Seb from where he walked in front with his brother, each holding a lead for the dogs.

“Fine.”

“It’s should be about another half mile.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian looked back to his brother.

“You okay?”

“Yep.”

Seb merely nodded. One conversation wasn’t likely to have fixed everything for him, but he wasn’t going to push.

 

They continued on along the path from where they had parked the car. There were occasional houses on the other side, large gardens stretching down to the river, some with small boats moored alongside, partially frozen in place. On this side it was all fields with the odd copse of trees. It was an easy walk, nothing between them and the river but tall reeds sticking up at the water’s edge out of the ice. The river wasn’t frozen solid. Down the centre there was a broken shiver of water still streaming through, but you certainly wouldn't want to venture in for a dip and there was no way they were letting the dogs off their leashes in case they went too close.

It didn’t take too long for them to reach their destination; a cottagey pub set low with a thatched roof only a few yards from the waterside.

“This English enough for you?” teased Mark to Fabian.

“Looks like it should be on a chocolate box.”

“Indeed. Hope the grub’s good.”

They went in, Seb immediately going over to the bar to explain to the woman stood there that he had rung to check they were fine to bring the dogs and warm Teddy’s food brought from home.

“Yes love it was me you spoke to,” she assured him as she came round to meet them. “We’re not all that busy midweek at this time but I’ve set you up over there.”

 

She walked them over to a round table in a window alcove looking out over to the river, a wooden high-chair already set in place.

“This is great thanks.”

“We alright with the pram?” checked Mark.

“Oh yes, no problem. Now the dogs, if you can just keep them sat with you.”

“Of course. Sit down boys. Best behaviour.”

The woman smiled as the two dogs tucked themselves beneath the table where they were pointed.

“I’ll get you some menus.”

They sorted themselves out while she was gone, Seb digging out the homemade food for Teddy he had put into a sterilised jar to bring with them. As she came back and passed out menus at the same time as taking drink orders Seb showed it to her.

“So um, I mentioned about warming this?”

“Yes, does he need it now?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“No, we’re not in a mad rush.”

Sebastian sat back a little, knowing he was coming across as rather anxious.

“Shall I take it and bring it with your order?” proposed the woman.

“Oh, yeah thanks. It just needs warming. I’ve got his spoon.”

She smiled and nodded as she took the jar, leaning in to look at Teddy.

“What a bonny baby,” she praised.

“Thanks.”

 

As she left them again Mark slipped his hand into Sebastian’s, knowing how he fretted when they took Teddy anywhere new. The pushchair was packed with enough supplies to cover them for a full race weekend. Just in case.

It was only slightly after midday and given that it was the middle of the week with the schools not yet broken up for the holiday, the pub was fairly quiet. Just a few older men taking the prime spots by the couple of open fires, more than one dog at their feet peacefully slumbering and only two or three couples dotted about at tables examining menus as Fabian currently was. Mark glanced over it, seeking the healthiest options as he knew Seb would. His eye caught on something distinctly outside that category and Mark smiled to his brother-in-law.

“Ah, sticky toffee pudding Fabe.”

“Oh yeah.”

Mark gave Seb a wink.

“You gonna have that too sweetheart?”

“Ha, don’t think so.”

“Ah well, we can enjoy watching Fabe have some.”

Sebastian smiled and looked to his brother.

“You’re pretty much duty-bound now.”

“I don’t mind taking one for the team.”

“I’ll bet you don’t,” teased Mark.

 

Once they had ordered they sat chatting until their meals arrived. Teddy wore one of his largest bibs from home and his parents took turns feeding him, not allowing the baby to try doing it himself when they didn’t want to make a mess. He still got the mash and vegetables all over his face, but that was easily wiped away. The staff here were friendly, but they didn’t want to have to leave them with a dirty high-chair and floor, even if the dogs were around to scarf things up. As it was Shadow and Simba sat obediently by their feet, making do with a bowl of water provided instead of any offerings from above.

Fabian seemed chirpy enough and his brother hoped it was genuine, though there wasn’t a whole lot he could do beyond checking he was okay and Seb didn’t want to ask that constantly.

As he looked around them Sebastian observed that the place had filled up a little now they were more into the main lunch hours. Still mostly older couples who like them had free time on their hands in the middle of a weekday. He tried not to stare in case anyone recognised them, but everyone seemed to be occupied with their own lunch choices and companions. Sebastian caught one or two looks coming their way but none were overt and he didn’t sense anyone disapproving of them as a family group. Then again Seb guessed that the spread of ages amongst the four of them might flummox anyone guessing at their relationships.

“Alright sweetheart?” checked Mark as he noticed Seb gazing into the distance.

“Hm? Oh yeah.”

“Want desert?”

“Ha, no. Coffee though.”

“Sure, me too. Fabe you gonna go for pudding mate?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Good lad.”

Mark gave Teddy’s mouth another wipe with his bib then straightened it up.

“And what about you young man? You gonna have pudding?”

 

As Sebastian tried to attract the attention of the waitress flitting about the place, Mark looked in Teddy’s food bag, bringing out a tupperware bowl and peeling off the lid before placing it in front of the baby.

“Mmm, rice pudding and yummy apple sauce buddy. Nom-nom.”

Fabian laughed at the voice Mark used to tempt Teddy into eating. It had taken his brother and Mark twice as long to eat their own meal whilst trying to feed their son at the same time and Fabian didn’t think his nephew even ate half the food they attempted to put in his mouth. It looked like a lot of work to him, but Teddy definitely was cute, even when his little chubby face was getting coated in gloop. Shortly after, Fabian’s own pudding arrived and his hosts smiled to see him tuck in, though the teenager did a rather better job of ensuring the food got in his mouth rather than down his chin.

 

 

 

When they got home they put Teddy down for his nap while Fabian packed his belongings. Then when the baby woke they went for a swim as planned, Teddy enjoying being entertained by all the adults and amusing himself as he was allowed to float upright in his little safety vest, Seb’s hand ever hovering at the back whilst the baby laughed while splashing the water about.

Though their swimming pool was kept nice and warm, it felt cold when they got out, so once Seb and Mark had hurriedly dried Teddy they took him straight up to get him changed. Fabian had gone to his room to sort himself out and came through to the nursery to find them.

“Um, what should I do with my swimming shorts?” he asked.

“Stick them in the airing cupboard,” instructed Mark. “They’ll dry quick enough. Just don’t forget to take them home.”

“Ha, yeah.”

Sebastian stood Teddy up on the changing mat.

“Look,” he smiled as he pulled the little hood up to cover Teddy’s head. “Doesn’t he look cute?”

Fabian laughed at the sight of his nephew now dressing in a fleecy brown onesie, the hood complete with little ears.

“He’s little brown bear,” explained Seb.

“I can see. Wow, look at you Teddy. A real life Teddybär.”

Sebastian picked Teddy up to hold him, glad that his son for once wasn’t pulling something covering his head off as he wanted him to properly warm up.

“Jess sent it.”

“Was it a Christmas present?”

“No just an extra.”

Mark stroked over Teddy’s soft covered head.

“Everybody spoils you don’t they mate? What are we gonna do eh?”

“It’s just an outfit,” justified Seb.

“Yeah I know. We gonna take a pic to send her?”

“Oh we should.”

 

Fabian coughed and nodded towards Mark and Seb still wearing dressing gowns over their swimwear.

“You might want to get dressed first.”

“Ha, good point mate,” accepted Mark. “You wanna take him?”

“Sure. We’ll go and have a play.”

Seb passed Teddy over to his brother.

“Take care with the stair gates.”

“I will.”

“And don’t let the dogs out of the kitchen until we’re down.”

Fabian shook his head at Teddy.

“Your papa doesn’t trust me.”

“Yes I do.”

Mark put his arm around Seb.

“C’mon, I don’t know about you, but I’m perished. Let’s go put some clothes on.”

 

They filled the last of their time together drinking tea in the lounge, playing with Teddy and mucking about. Fabian enjoyed himself helping Teddy to bumble about in his little outfit, amusing him by pretending the baby was a terrifying bear attacking his parents as he helped him walk around the room (or as Seb and Mark had it, Fabian amusing _himself_ with the game). The dogs were allowed through now there were enough people to supervise them near the tree and they seemed to like Teddy’s costume as well, nuzzling into the soft fleecy material and patiently enduring the baby’s haphazard attempts to pet them in return.

Seb and Mark sat to one side as they watched Fabian lie back on the floor holding Teddy above him.

“Argh, I’m being mauled!”

Sebastian shook his head, but he was laughing with Mark as Teddy giggled and reached down to touch his uncle’s face while Fabian writhed about in mock terror. The dogs decided this looked like fun and came to lick Fabian’s face, Fabian letting out a slightly more genuine cry.

“Help, Bärchen’s brought his pack of bears to defeat me!”

“Is it a pack?” wondered Mark abstractly.

“Urgh, _Shadow_ ,” complained Fabian as he very nearly licked his mouth.

He sat up, holding Teddy to sit on his knee. Seb went to sit with him to make sure the dogs didn’t get carried away around the baby.

“Come here Teddy.”

Fabian let his brother lift the baby away, then puffed a breath as the dogs continued to fuss into him. He gave them a stroke, then looked to Seb.

“They were licking me not him.”

“Mm.” Sebastian looked to the dogs. “We don’t lick Teddy do we?”

Mark had come to join them and rubbed over the dogs’ fur.

“Know better than that, dontcha? Hm? Yeah, good boys.”

 

Teddy was reaching in to stroke them as well and Seb let him, knowing it was a shared attachment. As he shifted Teddy to sit on his knee Seb glanced at his watch.

“We’re going to have to get going soon,” he informed them.

“Ah really?” sighed Fabian.

“You know we said you can stay if you want.”

Fabian puffed a breath.

“No it’s okay. It’s just we were having fun.”

“There might be traffic.”

“Yeah okay.”

Fabian gave the dogs a last rub and stood up.

“I’ll bring my stuff down.”

“Don’t forget your shorts,” reminded Mark.

“Yep.”

 

 

All too soon they were walking through the airport, Mark insisting on carrying Fabian’s bag for him while Seb carried Teddy still dressed in his little bear outfit as he cuddled into him. Once they had made sure he was checked-in, they walked with Fabian to security.

“Now you’ve got your ticket and everything?” checked Seb.

Fabian laughed and shook his head.

“Yes Mum.”

Seb was about to make a repost when Mark dumped the bag on the ground and pointed to the board.

“Your gate’s up mate.”

“Ah right. Okay.”

“So it looks like you’re all on time and that.”

“Dad’s picking you up the other end isn’t he?” reminded Seb.

“They both are.”

“Oh okay.”

“All set then aren’t you?” asserted Mark confidently.

“Yep. Okay so, thanks for having me.”

“Glad to have you.”

“Thanks.” Fabian looked to the pair of them. “And really, thanks for everything.”

“You will call us won’t you?” Sebastian requested.

“Yep.”

“Any time.”

“Sure.”

“Take care of yourself mate.”

“And let us know when you land,” added Seb.

Fabian smiled at his older brother fretting over him.

“Will do.”

“Thanks. A text is fine.”

 

Fabian nodded, then gave Mark a hug before Mark took Teddy so Seb could do the same. Sebastian made sure to hang on a little longer before standing to look at his brother.

“We’re always here, okay?”

“Yep, thanks.”

“Even when we’re in Australia, just call us and we’ll call back.”

“Sure.”

Seb looked into his eyes to be sure he seemed okay, then nodded.

“Alright well, remember what we said, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian nodded again, now thinking he was the one in danger of getting emotional.

“I’ll be alright,” asserted Fabian.

“Course you will,” Mark agreed. He smiled to Teddy. “You gonna give your Onkel Fabe a hug?”

Fabian took the baby and gave him a cuddle.

“Gonna miss you Bärchen.”

“Not us?” teased Mark.

“Course all of you.”

“We know.”

Fabian sighed as the baby pawed at his face.

“Attacking me again. Urgh you’re so cute.” He kissed Teddy’s cheek. “Look after Shadow and Simba for me.”

“Ah-Fah-bah,” burbled Teddy, making him smile.

“Yeah, bye Onkel Fabe,” translated Mark as he took the baby back.

“I’d better go.”

“Yeah. Safe journey mate.”

Sebastian gave his brother another hug, then Fabian shouldered his bag and gave them a nod.

“See you then.”

 

With last goodbyes Fabian headed off to go through security. Before he disappeared out of sight he turned to give them a wave, smiling as Mark helped Teddy wave too. Then he was gone, Seb leaning into Mark for a moment before they stirred themselves to go too.

Out of sight Fabian stopped in the queue of strangers, all busy sorting themselves out for their flight. His shoulders sagged and he ditched his bag on the floor, staring down at it for a moment as a wave of sadness swept over him. He felt horribly alone all of a sudden, but he knew he couldn't let it take over here, so Fabian stood taller, took out his documents ready to be checked and pushed out a long breath. Once he got home he could shut his bedroom door and cry into his pillow, but for now he just had to get this done. He’d be okay. He just had to be.

 

Driving home Mark looked over to Seb in the passenger seat thinking he was the one who was quiet now. As they were off the traffic of the M25 he spared a hand to put on Sebastian’s thigh.

“Alright?”

Seb turned to him and nodded.

“He’ll be okay.”

“Yeah.”

Mark nodded back, knowing Seb would worry over his brother whatever he said. He glanced into the rear-view mirror to check on Teddy.

“You alright back there kiddo?”

Sebastian turned in his seat to check, leaning through the gap to the back seat.

“He’s asleep.”

“Ah.” Mark smiled. “Wore him out.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh well, early night again I guess.”

Sebastian nodded. It would seem quiet at home with his brother gone, but it would be nice just to be the three of them as a family. Just so long as Fabian called to let them know how he was doing.

 

 

It was dark when they arrived home, but the lights on the tree in front of the house gave a cheery welcome. Mark stood by the open back door of the Land Rover to lift a still sleepy Teddy from his seat, then handed him to Seb before nipping down the drive to shut the gate behind them. Sebastian pulled his coat around the baby to keep him warm, making sure his little bear hood covered his head against the now bitter cold. The security light came on as he hurried to the front door, highlighting the Christmas wreath hung there. It did look festive, but all Seb wanted was to get their son inside, so he tried to hold him with one arm while he sought the key in his pocket, but Mark was quickly there, opening the door and letting them in.

“Ah home,” sighed Sebastian.

“Yep.”

Mark pulled off his coat and boats, then took Teddy so Seb could do the same.

“Cuppa?”

Sebastian smiled and nodded. Life went on.

 

Seeing as it was a cold night and they had lit the fire in the lounge, once they had got Teddy ready for bed rather than take his night bottle up to the nursery, they brought him down to sit where it was nice and cosy. They sat together on the sofa, taking turns to hold and feed their son, hoping that the warmth of the room would help lull him to sleep, turning off the main light and all the lamps to leave the room in a soft glow from the fire. Despite his busy day though, Teddy remained stubbornly awake, staring up at his parents with blue eyes that sparkled with lights reflected from the lit Christmas tree. Mark sighed and stroked over the soft stretch cotton of his night babygro.

“You were tired earlier little one, why are you wide awake now?”

“Contrary,” commented Sebastian.

“Mm.”

As he finished his milk Seb lifted Teddy to wind him, then lowered him back down into his arms trying to encourage him to feel sleepy.

“Maybe if I put some music on?” Seb suggested.

“Worth a go,” Mark agreed, taking Teddy so Seb could get up to go to the iPod left plugged in.

Sebastian scrolled though the choices before picking out some of the gentler Christmas ballads on there.

“More Bublé,” noted Mark as Seb rejoined him.

“Yeah.”

“Very Christmassy.”

 

They sat in quiet for a minute, listening to the music. Mark smiled down at Teddy, then as he glanced to the tree a thought struck him.

“Oh I forgot something.”

“Hm?”

“There’s something I… um… Can you take him a sec?” requested Mark.

Sebastian frowned as he accepted their son while Mark got up and left the room, returning a minute later bearing a small paper bag.

“What’s that?” Sebastian enquired.

“C’mere.”

Mark went to stand by the tree so Seb levered himself off the sofa and carried Teddy over to join him, lifting the baby to hold into his chest.

“I kind of forgot about this with your brother here,” Mark explained.

“Forgot what?”

“This.”

Mark offered over the paper bag. As Seb tried to take it Mark lifted Teddy away so his hands were free. Sebastian opened the little bag and peered in curiously, before his mouth opened as he extracted the contents.

“Oh Liebling!”

Mark grinned to see the expression on Seb’s face.

“You like it?”

Sebastian pouted and sighed as he held the gift in his hand; a tiny gingerbread boy, complete with gingham ribbon to tie it on the tree.

“Our gingerbread family was missing one,” pointed out Mark.

“Yeah. Oh Mark, this is so lovely.”

 

A smile spread over Seb’s and Mark watched as he stroked a finger over the little figure before looking to their own little boy.

“It’s you Teddybär.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark.

“Where did you get it?”

“At the market when we were at your folks.”

“Really? When?”

“When you weren’t looking.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh and shook his head.

“You’re very sneaky.”

“Wily darling. Like a stealthy, gingerbread buying ninja.”

“That’s a very specialised skill.”

“That it is,” agreed Mark.

 

The smiled at one another, then Mark nodded to the grouped gingerbread figures already together on the tree: two gingerbread men, one a fraction lower than the other, accompanied by the two gingerbread dogs.

“You gonna put him on then?” he prompted.

“Yep.”

Sebastian nodded and undid the ribbon to tie it around the pine branch, arranging the little gingerbread boy to sit high between the two gingerbread men as if they were holding him up between them.

“There we go,” smiled Mark, holding Teddy to show him. “There’s little gingerbread Teddy with his gingerbread Daddy and Papa.”

“And gingerbread Shadow and Simba,” added Sebastian.

“Course.”

 

Mark looked back to Teddy, smiling as he saw how he was transfixed by the Christmas tree as ever. He was just about to ask if he liked it when Mark heard an uneven intake of breath and turned to see tears rolling down Seb’s cheeks.

“Hey.”

Seb hurriedly wiped at his face.

“Sorry.”

“No, ah sweetheart that wasn’t the effect I was expecting.”

Sebastian tried for a smile, but he was still crying, so Mark hitched Teddy to hold in one arm and with his freed hand gently smoothed away the wetness on Seb’s cheeks before putting his arm around him.

“Happy tears?” he checked.

Seb took in a sharp breath, then nodded.

“Yeah, just… just, a year ago…”

“Yeah I know.”

Leaning into Mark’s left side Seb rested his cheek into Mark’s shoulder for a minute, gazing at the gingerbread family on the tree, then looking to their real son who was echoing his posture and leaning into Mark’s other shoulder. Mark turned his head to kiss Seb’s nose, knowing that always made him smile.

“’kay?”

Sebastian nodded and lifted his head to kiss Mark, then gazed at Teddy again, taking in the way their son looked so secure with Mark, one little hand clutching hold of his hoody and pressing in tight.

“I just… this is why I wanted to be home,” Seb explained. “To appreciate what I dreamed of, what we dreamed of.”

“I know,” agreed Mark softly.

“It seemed so far away a year ago.”

 

Mark nodded as they looked into each other’s eyes. A year ago they really had been so despairing, so desperately full of longing for a child and wondering if it would ever happen.

“Just goes to show you can’t know what’s around the corner,” reminded Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Good things.”

“Very good things,” concurred Seb. “The best.”

“The very best.”

Seb huffed a tiny laugh, then took a deep breath before sighing it out, still standing pressed into Mark. As a new tune came on Mark smiled and slipped his hand lower to put it around Seb’s waist. They didn’t exchange a word, but Seb moved to stand more in front of him, putting one arm loosely around Mark’s neck and the other to help hold Teddy on the other side. They moved only slightly to the music, the room lit only by the fire and the twinkling lights on the tree. Mark smiled as he thought how Seb was the only person who had ever enticed him to dance, if this could be called dancing, just standing pressed together, feeling the music flow through them.

 

Mark couldn't help but feel a little emotional too as Seb had. He would never have dreamt of this but for Seb, and now he had their gorgeous little bear cub in one arm and his amazing husband wrapped into him with the other.

“Worth waiting for,” he whispered.

Sebastian smiled, stretching up to kiss him before resting his cheek by Mark’s shoulder again. After another minute of this Mark looked down to Teddy and saw how heavily his round cheek was squashed into him, those blue eyes beginning to at last falter and drift shut.

“He’s falling asleep darling.”

Sebastian let out a little sigh and pouted up to Mark.

“Just five more minutes?”

Mark smiled and gave a tiny nod of his head, Seb smiling in reply as he rested his cheek back into him. He didn’t need snow when he had this.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of lip wobbles


	243. Each To Their Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

 

* * *

 

  


On Thursday afternoon they arrived at the village hall for the baby and toddler group’s little Christmas party with Teddy dressed in his finest; tiny khaki chinos with a shirt and tartan waistcoat complete with a little matching bow-tie which Sebastian thought was sweet and Mark thought was faintly ridiculous on a child so young. He knew better than to try to dissuade Seb from putting him in it though. What did it really matter if he had gone a smidge click-happy ordering Christmas clothes for their son if it made Seb happy? As Mark unclipped the baby from his car-seat Sebastian offered up his little coat, but Mark shook his head.

“It’s like ten yards,” he pointed out, indicating across the little car-park to the hall entrance. “I’m sure it’s nice and warm inside.”

Sebastian merely nodded as Mark lifted Teddy out. He looked at his smart little outfit and suddenly worried that he might have gone over the top dressing him up when they didn’t really know what kind of event they were going to.

“It’s not too much is it?”

“Hm?” frowned Mark.

“His party clothes.”

Mark huffed a little laugh thinking it was a bit late to worry now, but he knew Seb cared what people thought, so he leaned in and kissed his cheek.

“Nah, he looks very dapper.”

 

Sebastian nodded and retrieved the wrapped gift that they had been asked to bring to donate for the lucky dip so they could head in. As they entered the main hall his concerns were allayed as Seb saw that almost all the children had been dressed up in their party clothes for the occasion; little girls in dresses or Christmassy outfits and boys likewise in their smartest clothes (although one child was dressed as Spiderman, for what reason neither Mark nor Seb were entirely sure).

Those toddlers old enough to run about were doing so in the centre of the room, chasing down balloons and making as much noise as possible as Christmas music played and mothers watched and chatted around the edge of the room, those with younger babies holding them or sitting on some of the chairs set about. It was as ever, slightly chaotic, but the atmosphere was warm and friendly, nobody standing on ceremony.

Relaxing, Sebastian sought out Louise to say hello and found her talking with the vicar who had come to help. As they exchanged greetings Seb offered over the present and put it in the basket as directed. He turned around to see Mark saying hello to a number of other parents and it made Seb feel as though it was a long time since he had been here. Teddy was being fussed over so he went back over, smiling as several mothers praised how smart he looked.

“Oh we’ve splashed out for Christmas,” announced Louise indicating over to the trestle table where refreshments always sat on offer. “We’ve got some mulled wine and mince pies so do help yourself.”

Sebastian looked at the plates of pies and little plastic cups half-filled with a dubious dark burgundy liquid, then smiled.

“Looks lovely, but I’m driving aren’t I Liebling? You can have some.”

He took Teddy while Mark politely picked up one of the cups and sipped it. Only when the grouping around them had moved on did Mark put the drink down and he leaned in to whisper.

“Not quite your dad’s glühwein,” he pronounced.

Sebastian smiled.

“I think we’re spoiled.”

“Mm, ah well. Right buddy-boy shall we go with some balloons before the game start?”

“What games?” asked Seb.

“I’m informed there are games. Lord knows,” Mark shrugged, wondering what organised games children this young could really play.

“Oh okay.”

  


Teddy seemed entirely content just to bat balloons about as he sat with his parents, but when they were called to join in the games they took him to do so, helping Teddy to have a go playing musical bumps at which he excelled and musical statues which he did not. The moment the music stopped Teddy frowned and pouted before bouncing up and down where he stood as if that would make the music start up again on his demand. Of course he was far too young to understand what being ‘out’ meant, so Seb and Mark merely moved him a little to the side where Teddy happily bounced on again with them to the music, not caring in the least who won from amongst the older toddlers.

“I’m not sure you’re ever gonna get kids this age to stand still on demand,” pointed out Mark.

“No. Ah well, you were very good Teddy,” Seb assured.

  


Later on they played more games mostly involving passing on balloons in a circle which confused Teddy seeing as he expected the balloon to come right back to him rather than carry on around, and pass the parcel which Mark and Seb passed for him, Teddy merely patting the parcel as it went past. When the music stopped on him (as the vicar in charge of the music ensured it did at least once for each child) Seb unwrapped the layer of gift wrap and offered him the little plastic toy revealed, but Teddy was far more enamoured of the shiny wrapping paper, holding it in his hand and waving it about happily while Mark passed the parcel on as the music recommenced.

Sebastian looked at the cheap plastic toy, giving it a little shake to find it emitted a rattle. Harmless enough even if Teddy wasn’t interested in it.

“Ah there we go,” noted Mark.

Sebastian looked up to see that another child had unwrapped a layer to reveal the final prize.

“Never mind Teddybär.”

Mark ruffled over their son’s hair.

“Don’t think he’s fussed.”

“No.”

 

The circle was breaking up, so they stood, taking Teddy to go chat with some of the mums, sharing their plans for Christmas and joining in complaints about finding the right presents for all their family. As Mark and Seb took a break to get themselves some of the alternative teas and coffee on offer they stood to the side watching proceedings.

“Good to know we’re not the only ones with tricky family commitments for Christmas,” noted Mark.

Sebastian smiled and nodded. It seemed their dilemma over pleasing both sides of a family was a common one, though nobody else here had family so widespread as they did.

“You wanna go into town next week some time and see if we can find a few more presents?” offered Mark, thinking how Seb had mentioned that they needed to sort that and how getting the right things mattered to him.

“Yeah that’d be good. Morning maybe before it gets too busy?”

“Sure.”

Mark smiled.

“We’re still agreed on our gift rule, right?”

“For us?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

 

They smiled at one another. It had been Mark’s suggestion: knowing how Seb had a tendency to tangle himself in knots over trying to buy him perfect presents, he had come up with the idea of setting a limit for spending, making it more of a token. So they had agreed on a £10 limit. At first it had been almost a joke, but the more Seb thought about it, the better it seemed. It wasn’t about lavishing money on each other. It wasn’t about grand gestures. They didn’t need that. Indeed there really wasn’t much they actually needed at all. So they would focus on gifts for Teddy and just get one thing each for the other.

“I think it’s a good idea,” asserted Seb.

“Me too. No stressing though,” instructed Mark. “Whatever you get will be great.”

“Okay.”

“It’s not even really about that.”

“It’s about Teddy.”

Mark smiled in at their son in Seb’s arms.

“Well yes, but I was going to say we don’t need fancy gifts to say we love each other.”

Sebastian looked into his eyes, then smiled as Mark gave him one of those winks that made him feel so warm inside.

“No Liebling, we don’t,” he concurred.

 

Mark nodded, hoping he hadn’t given Seb something else to stress over getting a gift under the ten pound budget.

“Just a bit of fun really,” he asserted.

“Sure.”

“Should I ask if you’ve found something already?” Mark wondered.

Sebastian bit his lip, then smiled teasingly.

“Maybe I shouldn’t say?”

“Ah maybe not. But we’re good?”

“Yeah we’re good.”

“Excellent. Me too.”

  


Mark was about to go over who they still needed to find gifts for when the door on the far side of the hall opened.

“Ho-ho-ho little children! Now then, who’s been good?”

There we squeals of excitement and a rumble of laughter and talk amongst the adults as Father Christmas appeared before them. Mark chuckled at the sight of him; red suit stuffed with what he guessed were pillows, a belt was holding them in place. They both peered over as the man took a seat set by the basket of donated presents, some of the older toddlers already making their way over to him and mothers forming a line.

“Oh, I didn’t realise they were doing this,” commented Sebastian.

“Me either. Hey Teddy you gonna meet Father Christmas?”

Teddy was frowning over, apparently unconvinced.

“Bit of a queue,” noted Mark. “Why don’t we give it five minutes while the keenies get seen first?”

“Sure.”

They took Teddy over to where Louise was sat with her son and joined her, letting the two little boys play on the floor together as they all sat around them.

“I was just saying to Mark I didn’t realise you had a Santa coming,” related Seb.

“ _The_ Santa,” smiled Louise.

Mark laughed.

“Of course. Very good of him to make time to come all this way when he’s so busy in December.”

“Absolutely.” Louise smiled down at the children. “I just said to Archie that his sleigh must be parked behind the church.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Ah of course.”

“His brother Freddie will be so jealous, won’t he Archie?”

The baby looked at his mother for a moment before going back to shaking the toy he had won in the pass the parcel game.

“Not sure he really understands the concept yet,” explained Louise. “I’ll take him in a bit when it’s calmed down.”

“That’s what we thought,” concurred Seb. “So um, did you help organise this?”

Louise smiled and leaned over the top of her son to whisper.

“Leonie’s dad volunteered.”

“Ah.”

Mark tapped the side of his nose.

“Secret’s safe with us.”

  


Ten minutes later the queue had subsided, so they took their children over. Mark smiled to the vicar who stood dispensing presents as the Santa Claus sat children on his knee asking them what they would like for Christmas.

“You on duty then?” he asked.

The vicar smiled back.

“Got to do my bit. Thankfully nobody asked me to dress up.”

Mark chuckled.

“Teddy’s got an elf outfit he could loan you.”

“Might be a tiny bit small,” noted Seb.

They laughed, then the vicar went back to her work as Archie sat on the Santa’s knee, his mother to the side holding him in place as the baby peered curiously up at this very strange man.

“Ho, I think you’re too little to tell me what you want, aren’t you?” decided the Santa.

“Just a bit,” agreed Louise.

“And has he been a good boy?

“He has his moments.”

“I’ll take that as a yes. Reverend Veronica have we got something for this young man?”

The vicar as busy reading labels, checking the age suitability notes people had been asked to stick on, then she passed over a gift, the Santa putting it in the baby’s hands. Archie frowned, shook it, then dropped it on the floor before trying to pull at the white beard in front of him.

“Oh dear,” smiled Mark, ducking down to pass the present to Louise who scooped her son away before he could unmask the volunteer.

Sebastian hitched Teddy up in his arms and smiled to him.

“Your turn Teddybär. This is Santa Claus who brings the presents at Christmas.”

“Ho-ho,” laughed the Santa gamely, clearly doing his best to make his voice sound as low and jolly as possible. “Are you going to sit with me little one?”

Teddy stared at him, looking distinctly uncertain, but Sebastian lowered him in, both parents ducking down.

“And what’s your name?” asked the Santa.

“This is Teddy,” stated Seb.

“Teddy? What a lovely name.”

“Papa?” frowned Teddy, trying to turn to him.

“No you’re alright Schatz.”

“And have you been a good boy?”

Teddy pouted as he looked from parent to parent, then back at the strange man. Mark was nodding to the vicar as she pointed at a label marked ‘boy/girl 9-12mths’ on a present she had picked out to pass to the Santa.

“Yes he’s been good,” assured Seb.

“That’s what I like to hear.”

 

Just then a little girl of perhaps almost three years old ran up, hurtling towards the man in the chair and paying no attention to the grown-ups around him. She reached up and tugged at his red sleeve.

“Granddad why are you in this?” she demanded. “You look silly.”

Mark tried not to laugh as the child’s mother hurried over, apologising and lifting her away as the little girl protested.

“But it’s Granddad?”

“No it’s not, it’s Santa,” insisted her mother flatly. “Sorry. I only looked away for a second.”

Mark nodded.

“We know what that’s like.”

“Come on Lottie, come and look at your toy.”

“But...”

“ _Shh_.”

Mark tried not to laugh as the bewildered child was hurriedly taken off, the mother plainly mouthing ‘Sorry Dad’ to her father as she turned away. The man shook his head, then returned his attention to Teddy on his lap.

“Now then Teddy, I wonder if we’ve got a present for you?”

 

Teddy looked up hearing a voice he didn’t recognise. Mark was crouched in front of him and Seb to the side, his hand holding him safely in place, but Teddy wasn’t at all sure what was going on. He furrowed his little brow, peering up at the strange white curls covering most of the man’s face, the very odd red hood hiding the rest of his head. All he could see was the man’s nose and eyes. Eyes he didn’t recognise, a voice he didn’t recognise, a smell he didn’t recognise and the reassuring smile almost entirely hidden beneath that fluffy beard. As the man turned slightly to take the small parcel offered by the vicar Teddy felt even more unsettled and when the Santa looked back to smile at him about to give him the gift, Teddy suddenly burst into tears.

“Oh no, it’s alright,” assured Seb.

“Papa, Dada!”

The baby was struggling away, seeming to panic now, despite the Santa’s effort to look reassuring.

“Ah heck,” sighed Mark as Sebastian lifted the baby away. “Sorry mate.”

Sebastian stood jigging a now howling Teddy as Mark stood with them.

“Shh Teddybär,” hushed Seb.

“It’s only Father Christmas,” tried Mark.

 

But Teddy was having none of it, burying his face in Seb’s shoulder and crying at full volume.

“Don’t take it personally,” Mark advised the man who looked a little awkward. “All a bit strange for him.”

“Of course.”

“Thanks for this,” Mark nodded to the vicar.

“Is he alright?”

“Yeah he’ll be fine.” Mark rubbed over Teddy’s back. “Not sure what to make of it are you kiddo?”

Teddy clutched at Seb who was busy trying to look in to see if he really was frightened.

“It’s Santa Teddy. He’s nice, not scary.”

The baby looked up at him, still tearful.

“Never mind,” soothed Mark.

“His present,” offered the Santa.

“Oh cheers mate.”

 

Mark accepted the gift and Seb turned Teddy slightly to see.

“Look Teddy, he’s giving you a present.”

“I’m not scary am I?” asked the man in his normal voice.

“He’s just a bit young,” apologised Seb.

“Next year maybe,” Mark noted. “C’mon then. Thanks guys.”

They walked away, both parents trying to calm Teddy down. Finding a seat, Seb sat the baby on his knee and dried his cheeks.

“Was that just a bit strange?” he asked him.

“Papa.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Your little mate Archie liked it,” commented Mark.

Sebastian sent him a look.

“Children are different.”

“I know.” Mark shrugged. “Right, well shall we have a look what poor Santa tried to give you?”

He unwrapped the gift, finding a small boardbook inside and handing it over to the baby.

“Oh that’s nice,” noted Seb as he looked at it as well.

“Here we go mate, let’s have a read,” encouraged Mark, helping him turn the chunky pages. “About a little monster. Ha, must be you Teddy.”

“Aw.”

Mark smiled and rubbed over Teddy’s arm.

“Our little monster.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded. He’d been wondering if they ought to take Teddy home, but now he had this book with its colourful pictures to look at, their son had ceased crying and was patting the pages, looking up to his parents as if to demand they read it to him like they did at home.

“Funny little thing,” he observed.

“Mm. Let’s have a read then,” decided Mark, turning back to the beginning of the little book to settle their son back down.

  


Five minutes later a balding man in his mid-sixties approached, looking down at the baby.

“Is he okay now?” he enquired.

Mark and Seb looked up, wondering who this man was.

“I’m Leonie’s dad,” he explained. “Lottie’s granddad and um...”

“Ohhh,” nodded Mark. “Right mate, gotcha. Yeah he’s fine.”

Sebastian smiled as he took in the ordinary corduroys and jumper this considerably slimmer and definitely unbearded man wore. The eyes were the same of course, but he wondered at how easily his little granddaughter had seen through his disguise. Seb wondered in turn whether Teddy recognised him when he wore his helmet on TV?

“Just new to him,” Seb assured.

“Likes his book,” added Mark.

“Ah good. Just thought I’d check. I didn’t mean to scare him.”

“Oh no it wasn’t you, don’t worry.”

“Okay well Santa’s had to go now so you’re safe.”

“Ha, cheers mate.”

 

The man nodded and with a little wave to Teddy went to find his family on the other side of the hall. Mark looked in at the baby on Seb’s knee.

“Don’t worry kiddo, when Father Christmas drops off your pressies you’ll be fast asleep.”

“Hopefully,” added Seb.

“Ha, yeah. Gotta be asleep sweetheart or he can’t deliver them.”

“I don’t think he gets it yet.”

“No. Ah well.” Mark chubbed Teddy’s cheek. “Cheered up now antcha?”

“Dada.”

“Yeah mate. Tell you what, we’ve not taken a picture of you in all your party clobber. Let’s do that so we can send it to folks so they can see how smart you look.”

 

Sebastian smoothed his hand over his son’s hair and straightened his waistcoat before he set Teddy to stand, letting him balance with one hand on his knee as Mark knelt in front of him, trying to get their son to smile as he took a picture on his phone. Seb was the one doing most of the smiling as Mark pulled faces to coax a laugh from Teddy.

Though he wasn’t likely to wear the full outfit all that often Mark had to concede that their son did look nice. The little chinos weren’t really much different to the ones had and Seb had, but the bow-tie was still pretty hilarious to Mark’s eyes. Teddy didn’t seem sure of it either, pouting at his father as he reached a hand to pull at it. Mark snapped a picture, then smiled at Teddy.

“Not so keen on that are you?”

Sebastian looked further over, then lifted Teddy up onto his knee, presuming Mark must have a shot by now.

“Wanna see?” asked Mark.

“Sure.”

Mark sat on the chair beside them, flicking through the photos he had taken.

“Ah dear, is it wrong I think that’s the best one?”

“This one?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked at the picture of their son frowning and reaching a hand to tug at his bow-tie, giving the camera big blue eyes as if appealing to be freed of it. The little outfit was so cute and with that lovely blonde hair all swept to the side Seb thought Teddy looked perfect in some of the other shots where he was smiling more, but he couldn't deny there was something of real life in this picture.

“Go on then,” he relented.

“Make them laugh.”

“Uh-huh.”

While Mark sent the picture to their families adding a joke below that Teddy didn’t entirely approve of their sartorial choices, Seb turned the little boy on his knee more to face him and slipped the narrow elastic loop off the tiny hook holding the bow-tie at the collar of his white shirt, taking it off and putting it in his pocket before undoing the top button of his shirt as well.

“Is that better Kleiner?”

“Papa.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian looked to Mark. “Am I bad putting him in all these clothes?”

“Hm?”

“All the Christmas stuff. Is it wrong to dress him up when it’s mostly for me?”

“Ah sweetheart, no, don’t be daft. It’s just a bit of fun. He doesn’t really care anyway.”

“I suppose.”

“He’s in clean, dry and warm clothes. I don’t think he’s bothered if his onesie is a reindeer or plain blue.”

“I guess not.”

“He gets mess all over it either way.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh. Not many outfits lasted past a meal time so nothing got bought without being checked to be machine washable.

“That’s true.”

“Mucky pup aren’tcha?” Mark smiled as Teddy burbled something incomprehensible back, then he looked to Seb. “Shall we go get another cuppa and have a chat with folks? I think kids are just mucking about with their toys and stuff now.”

“Sure.”

Mark’s phone buzzed and he pulled it back out to check a reply.

“Ha.”

“Who is it?” asked Seb.

“Jess. Well actually JB giving her response,” stated Mark. “Apparently Jess says, well, I’m pretty sure that’s what a squeal looks like in text form.”

He showed it to Seb who smiled and shook his head.

“Ask him what time they think they’ll get here on Saturday. Actually no, can you take Teddy?”

Sebastian passed Teddy over to Mark as they stood. Mark smiled.

“Are you asking Jess instead?”

“Yeah.”

Mark chuckled and looked to Teddy as Seb texted.

“Your godmother is a more reliable source of information.”

“She says about eleven, so they can come for lunch.”

“There we go then. Righto, come on Teddy, time for you to charm folks.” Mark hitched Teddy higher in his arms and smiled to him and then Seb. “Maybe we should put the bow-tie back on him?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes thinking years of training with the media ought to mean he and Mark had enough skills on that front without relying on their son. As they approached a group of women with their offspring he fixed on his best smile. People were people, no reason he couldn't work a different crowd with a little effort.

  


  


  


“Oh he looked so cute though,” beamed Jessica as she and her husband sat with them in the lounge two days later, Teddy now back in his little brown bear onesie in her honour.

Mark laughed.

“That bow-tie lasted about two minutes after I took that picture.”

“I took it off,” explained Seb.

“Poor little guy,” sympathised Jenson.

Mark stood Teddy up on his knee.

“Nah you don’t care do you mate?”

“He likes this one because it’s nice and warm,” asserted Seb. “So kind of you to get it for him.”

Mark smiled, thinking the hood with its little bear ears hadn’t stayed up very long, but aside from that Teddy did indeed seem quite content in his current outfit and even Mark couldn’t deny how cute he looked in it.

“Plus of course we’ve got to store up some photos to embarrass him with when he’s a teenager haven’t we sweetheart?”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Why don’t we see if he’ll show you how good he’s getting at walking?”

“Ooh yes,” agreed Jess, putting her coffee aside to join him on the carpet.

  


Soon all four of them were sat on the floor, encouraging the baby to toddle between them. As Teddy stumbled into Mark’s arms again he lifted him up, smiling as his son laughed and reached into him. Mark lowered him in for a cuddle, then set him on his knee facing out to the others.

“Getting better every day isn’t he?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I think cos we’re off and at home it’s a big help.”

“I’m sure,” agreed Jess. “And nice for you as well.”

“God yeah.”

“How will you manage when Mark’s back racing next year?”

Sebastian could only shrug.

“We’ll just have to.”

“We’ll be fine,” insisted Mark firmly.

“I suppose it’s only like you used to before,” tried Jess, not wanting to sound negative.

Mark coughed a laugh.

“Except with a baby in tow, _sooo,_ not so much.”

Jess was about to apologise, but both Seb and Mark laughed at that.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” she assured.

“Well I’ll be glad to have you back mate,” asserted Jenson.

“Cheers.”

“And me,” added Jess. “It’ll be so nice to have you at races if I’m there.”

“She means you sweetheart,” smiled Mark, leaning into his side a little.

“Well both of you.”

“Of course.”

“But I meant, with Seb being around while you boys are racing.”

“Yeah I know,” laughed Mark.

“I’ll be glad when you’re there too,” Seb assured her. “Though we’re still working on our plans so I’m not one hundred percent sure which I’ll be at. It all depends on Teddy you see.”

“We tried planning out this last year,” explained Mark. “And that didn’t exactly work out, so we’ll just be playing it by ear.”

“Right, well just let me know.”

“Probably most of the European races.”

“For both of us,” added Seb.

“Which should be okay with any luck.”

“But after this year we’re really found things just crop up that you can’t plan for.”

“Kids eh?” smiled Jenson.

“And of course I won’t be watching from the garage unless we have family around,” noted Seb.

“Oh of course. Yes I forgot that,” admitted Jess, “nice to have you around though.”

“Thanks. Yeah it’ll be good.”

 

Mark had let Teddy escape, so he was now crawling around the floor with the dogs, occasionally using them to stand up before slipping down again, his parents watching to see he didn’t get too close to the tree or anything he could injure himself on.

“We’re trying not to catch him every single time,” Seb explained as they watched Teddy tumble a little into the carpet, half blocked by Simba who nudged him to get up again. It was tough to fight the urge to rescue him each time, but they could see how their son was improving his mobility and his independence too.

“So he learns to pick himself up you see,” added Mark.

“Ah, got ya,” nodded Jenson. “Seems like he’s doing a pretty good job of it to me.”

“Yeah not bad.”

Sebastian was gazing over at the way the dogs were interacting with their son, observing how he trusted them and how Shadow and Simba automatically took responsibility for Teddy’s welfare. He and Mark often joked about him being their puppy, but Seb certainly wondered if there wasn’t an extra bit of parenting going on.

 

“He’s grown so much,” observed Jessica.

“They do that,” teased Mark.

Jess smiled and shook her head as Seb tsk’d at Mark.

“You know he turns one in just over two weeks time.”

“I can hardly believe it.”

“Me either,” agreed Seb as Teddy crawled into his lap.

He lifted him to sit properly and kissed the top of his head.

“Rachel came to see us yesterday afternoon and she said she was really impressed with his development wasn’t she Liebling?”

“She was.” Mark reached over to touch their son’s cheek. “Super impressed with you kiddo.”

“Rachel’s your, um…”

“Case worker.”

“Ah right, course.”

“She still comes for visits?” asked Jenson.

“Oh well just stopping in really.”

“I thought you were all signed off.”

“We are. It’s just to check we’re all okay.”

“It’s meant to be more for us now really,” explained Sebastian. “I mean I suppose she is checking we’re alright, but she just comes for coffee and a chat.”

“Wasn’t even here an hour,” added Mark. “More so we can ask anything we want to and check we’re happy.”

Sebastian lifted Teddy a little higher, letting him stand again so he could bounce those little legs. As Jess reached to take his hand Teddy laughed and bounced even more.

“Very happy,” she commented.

“Yeah he is,” agreed Seb. “Most of the time anyway.”

“It’s just protocol,” stated Mark. “And we’ve only got one more visit now anyway.”

“Ah okay.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think I’ll almost miss seeing her it’s been so long.”

“How long is it?” enquired Jenson.

“Hm? Oh seeing Rachel about all this. Nearly two years mate.”

“Blimey.”

“Yeah you don’t go into it lightly.”

“Worth it though,” hurried Seb.

“Course worth it,” insisted Mark.

Sebastian oofed a little as Teddy decided he was done exercising and landed in his lap with a bump, making the other laugh.

“After that we only call her if we need to,” Seb stated.

“But we won’t cos we’re fine,” insisted Mark.

“Course you are,” Jess agreed.

 

They changed the subject, taking about what they had been up to lately and what their plans were for Christmas and New Year.

“Be nice for you to get to see your folks,” commented Jenson.

“Yep, looking forward to it,” agreed Mark.

“So he’ll have his birthday over there.”

“Yep. Good for him to get in touch with his Aussie roots.”

“Which mostly means Mark’s parents are having a barbecue,” explained Seb.

“Ha.”

“We should have brought his birthday present as well,” realised Jess.

“Oh don’t worry about that.”

“I suppose you won’t want to take everything abroad.”

“Well to be honest with it so close to Christmas we’re just going to try to spread things out so he doesn’t get over-excited with it all.”

“Ah I don’t know that he’s any idea really,” argued Mark.

“I’m sure he’ll appreciate his presents.”

Sebastian looked to Mark who nodded at the hint.

“Right, sure, I mean people have already been very kind spoiling him.”

“Perhaps if I post it then he’d have something nice to come home to?” proposed Jessica.

“That would be very kind,” concurred Sebastian, “but really, he is going to be getting so much, just a little thing would be plenty.”

“He loves your book,” asserted Mark. “The one you got for his christening. Dead keen on books aren’t you mate?”

“He likes being read to.”

 

Jess nodded, seeing out of the corner of her eye that her husband was dying to make a joke and wind them up about it. She doubted that would go down well, so Jess looked around her.

“It really is beautiful what you’ve done with the place.”

“Our Christmas decs?” asked Mark. “All Seb’s masterpiece as ever.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“We both did it, my brother too.”

“Well it looks amazing,” insisted Jess.

“You guys should give ‘Hello’ a call,” suggested Jenson. “They could do a spread: Sebastian and Mark Vettel-Webber show us around their glamorous Christmas home deep in the English countryside.”

“Glamorous?” frowned Mark.

“What’s Hello?” asked Seb.

“A magazine,” explained Jess.

“Definitely not our thing,” Mark stated.

“No,” agreed Seb. “We’d never do anything like that.”

“I suppose with Teddy,” Jess allowed.

“Ha, not under any circumstances,” insisted Mark. “Nope, not in a month of Sundays.”

“I just don’t understand why anyone would,” admitted Seb.

Jenson laughed.

“Some people like attention.”

“Not us,” asserted Mark. “Is it sweetheart?”

“No.”

Jess saw how Seb put his arms around Teddy on his knee. She spent her time being photographed for a living whilst Sebastian assiduously avoided it wherever possible.

“Don’t spose they’d have enough to do a spread on our apartment,” mused Jenson. “Half a page maybe if you shot it from several different angles.”

 

Mark laughed, thinking once again how he would feel like a caged animal trapped in a tiny apartment in Monaco. He could live without glamour. Toys on the floor and dogs getting underfoot while muddy boots sat drying in the hall might not be up to ideal home standards, but Mark would take that any day.

“We’ve actually got a Christmas tree this year,” related Jess.

“Oh? You should send us a picture,” encouraged Seb.

“Ha, yours puts our little fake tree to shame,” laughed Jenson.

“I’m sure it’s very nice.”

“We just couldn't really manage a real tree,” Jessica justified.

“Much more practical I’m sure,” Seb offered.

“Mm.”

“Did you just lop one down out of the garden?” asked Jenson.

“What? No.”

“Spent about half a day at a plantation choosing one,” Mark explained.

“Ah.”

“It’s a very considered operation and that’s even before you get to actually decorating it.”

“You slightly OCD about it Seb?” teased Jenson.

 

Mark put his hand on his husband’s arm feeling oddly protective of him. He was allowed to tease Seb about his Christmas-itus, if anyone else did Mark felt his heckles rise unless perhaps it was Seb’s little brother who Mark tended to make exceptions for seeing as he knew how much Fabian looked up to him.

“No,” stopped Mark firmly. “Seb’s brilliant at this stuff, very organised.”

Sebastian turned to him.

“That makes me sound weird.”

“You’re just very talented darling.”

“You have an eye for it,” agreed Jessica.

“Exactly.”

Sebastian shrugged, not wanting to admit how much it really did mean to him.

“You know what,” decided Mark, “we should properly show you around. We pretty much did the whole house.”

Sebastian opened his mouth to protest, but Jess was already getting up, so he sighed and let Mark take Teddy once he had stood so they could give their guests what Mark called ‘the full tour’.

  


They went around the house, Jenson getting pointed looks from his wife whenever she saw him about to make any jokes. As they reached the nursery Jess smiled at the sight of even here having tinsel draped across the top of the bookshelves, little old-fashioned toy decorations added at the corners. She put a hand on Seb’s arm as Mark let Teddy down to play on the floor in here.

“It’s so sweet.”

Seb smiled, unable to hide enjoying being praised.

“There’s only a bit in here.”

“A nice touch though.”

“Thanks.”

“Gotta be sure it’s nothing he can reach,” explained Mark. “Otherwise chaos ensues.”

“Have you got him a stocking?” asked Jenson.

“Course.”

“Ha, I was joking. Really?”

“Yeah. Got to do that haven’t we? Seb’s got it all ready haven’t you sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded as Jenson laughed and shook his head.

“What do you put in a baby’s stocking?”

Mark clapped him on the arm.

“That’s for Father Christmas to sort out isn’t it mate?”

Jenson opened his mouth, but Jessica nodded.

“Quite right.” She ducked down to where Teddy was crawling around and picked him up. “Aren’t you lucky having a daddy and papa making everything so special for you?”

Seb and Mark smiled to her.

“Thanks,” offered Sebastian.

“I think it’s lovely that you’ve made such an effort,” insisted Jess.

“Yeah,” agreed her husband. “If you want to come and do our place next year you’re more than welcome.”

“Ha, maybe.”

Jenson gave him a nod.

“Shouldn’t take you more than half an hour to do our entire gaff.”

Jessica sighed, but the other three were smiling so she looked to Teddy instead.

“Your Uncle Jenson is under the misapprehension that he’s funny.”

“Your Uncle Jenson _is_ funny,” insisted Jenson. “He’s just tragically underappreciated.”

Mark shook his head.

“Right, if you guys are hungry I reckon I’ll start getting lunch ready.”

“Ooh now you’re talking mate,” smiled Jenson.

  


They went on downstairs to the kitchen. Jess was still finding things to praise around the house and as Mark began assembling things to cook he could swear Seb was standing a little taller. Jenson was keeping schtum with the gags which Mark was thankful for. He wondered if he had jumped in a little firmly earlier to give him the message to lay off or if it was Jess keeping him in line, but either way Mark was glad of it. He knew their friend was by nature a tease, but what Mark knew and he suspected Jenson _didn’t_ was that Seb’s attachment to Christmas mattered more than he let on.

Mark knew that his husband was emotional about it, probably due to the fact the season reminded him of his childhood and happy uncomplicated times long ago. All the fretting over gifts and fussing over decorating the house didn’t undo that fact that Christmas represented innocence. It was no surprise that Seb wanted to reach back to recreate that feeling of pure enjoyment without the weight of knowing what the adult world was really like. His talent in decorating the house was genuine as well, as was his pride in being praised for it and Mark didn’t want that sullied. For all his own jokes, Mark was proud of the care and attention Seb gave to it.

The house did look good damnit. Once Mark wouldn't have been bothered, but Seb had changed that. In fact, now he thought about it, it occurred to Mark that years back it was one of the first things that Seb had really shown confidence about outside of racing, insisting on decorating a tree for Mark when they were ridiculously not living together (apart from spending as much of their lives in the same place). It might seem silly to anyone else, but Mark knew it wasn’t. Unimportant matters could be important for other reasons and Christmas was significant to Seb and thus had become so to Mark.

 

“I’m going to go change him,” announced Seb as he came over to Mark.

“Hm? Oh righto.”

“I don’t want to spoil your nice outfit,” Sebastian explained to Jess.

“Oh I see. I’ll come help.”

As they left Jenson stood around feeling like a spare part.

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked.

Mark looked up from checking the oven.

“Um, you can give me a hand setting things out if you want.”

“Sure.”

  


Five minutes later the other two returned, Jess carrying Teddy now changed into a simpler outfit to make feeding him easier. Jenson noticed the blue triceratops soft toy Seb was holding and smiled to see that the baby was now wearing an outfit to match it; pale blue corduroy dungarees with a long-sleeved jersey top underneath with little blue dinosaurs on a white background. He was tempted to tease Seb to ask if dressing up their son was to compensate for not being allowed to play with his sisters’ dolls as a child, but he knew that would be unwise and Mark would probably smack him round the head for it if Jess didn’t get there first.

Mark himself had gone over to help fit Teddy into his high-chair which was trickier than it looked. He tickled his son’s socked foot and gave him a smile as Seb passed the baby his toy.

“You hungry too mate?” Mark asked Teddy.

The baby squirmed about at being tickled, laughing as he dropped his toy on the tiled floor.

“Oops, sorry. My bad.”

Mark handed him the toy back and looked to Seb.

“Better find one of his bigger bibs.”

“Mm.”

As Sebastian looked in a drawer for something to protect their son’s clothes he turned his head to Mark.

“Can you push his sleeves up?”

“Sure.”

Mark did as requested.

“Sorry, I picked this,” explained Jessica. “I thought it looked sweet.”

“Yeah it’s alright, just taking precautions.”

Jenson huffed a laugh so Mark looked to him.

“You watch mate. It’s just as likely to get on you.”

“I’ll duck.”

Mark nodded and Jenson smiled back, thinking he had actually laughed because he had presumed Seb had dressed Teddy up when it had been his wife. So much for his assumptions.

  
  


After lunch Seb tried putting Teddy down for his nap, only to be rewarded with clinging and crying. Mark could hear the noise via the monitor where he sat with their guests in the lounge, so he apologised and went to try to help, finding Seb in the nursery walking up and down by the window.

“He won’t go down,” he reported.

“Have you tried just putting him in his cot?”

Sebastian sent Mark a look, hitching Teddy up as he stubbornly buried his face into Seb’s neck.

“Of course I have. He won’t have it.”

“Right.”

Mark glanced to the monitor on the side and realised that they would be broadcasting their conversation to their friends, so he reached to switch it off before going to try to help soothe their son.

  


Down in the lounge Jenson and Jess couldn't miss the abrupt cut-off of sound from the monitor on the coffee table. Jenson raised an eyebrow to his wife.

“Trouble in paradise.”

Jessica shook her head.

“Babies cry Jense.”

“Mm. How are they gonna cope next year?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well with them both racing and a kid to look after. You’d think that’d be pretty stressful.”

Jessica shrugged.

“They seem confident they’ll manage.”

“Hmm.”

Jess heard his dubious tone.

“Don’t say anything.”

“I’m not going to,” defended Jenson. “Their call.”

“I’m sure they’re quite well aware of the difficulties, just...”

“What?”

 

Jessica shrugged and glanced to the door to be certain their hosts weren’t about to walk through it. She lowered her voice, just in case.

“I don’t think they want to think about it. Especially not right now.”

“Why now?”

“Because, well, this is their break isn’t it?”

“I suppose. I guess a bit of denial about reality is expected at Christmas,” allowed Jenson.

“Well that’s another thing isn’t it?”

“What is?”

“They want it all to be perfect.”

“Christmas?”

“Yeah.”

Jenson nodded.

“Spose Seb’s always been a bit of a perfectionist.” He waved a hand at all the Christmas decorations. “Explains all this.”

“I think it’s very nice,” insisted Jessica.

“It is, just couldn't imagine putting so much effort into it.”

“No, well…”

“It’s not even as if anyone’s going to see it.”

“They’re going to see it. They’re not doing it for show.”

Jenson puffed out a long breath.

“Just seems a waste that’s all. You could have great parties here.”

Jessica laughed.

“They have different priorities.”

“Guess so. Shame though. I love the party season.”

Jessica laughed again.

“I’m not sure that’s the official title.”

 

Jenson shrugged and his wife patted his arm.

“I think they’re quite happy as they are.”

“I’m sure they are,” agreed Jenson. “Wouldn’t you miss having fun at Christmas and New Year though? Dressing up, going out, having a drink...”

Jessica laughed again.

“Course I would, but that’s us, not them. I think the last time they did that was probably when they were with us in Monaco.”

“Ha, we’re a good influence.”

“Though I suppose they had their thing here in the summer.”

“Ah yeah. Not exactly venturing out though.”

“No well that’s the sacrifice you make I suppose.”

“Mm. I was going to invite them to ours for New Year again before they said they were going to Mark’s folks,” pointed out Jenson.

“Did you think they’d come?”

Jenson puffed out a long breath.

“I spose not really.”

“I don’t think they’re doing too badly spending it in Australia,” argued Jess.

“True, and I suppose they’ll have they’re own little party for Teddy. Jelly and ice-cream and all that.”

Jessica laughed again.

“Not quite cocktails on the terrace overlooking the harbour, but I think they’re happy enough with their lot.”

Jenson smiled.

“I think they’d be celebrating if they just got a lie in.”

Jessica shook her head.

“Don’t think they get those any more.”

“Oof.”

“I know. Still…”

“I need my beauty sleep.”

“You do, you really do,” teased Jessica.

“ _Hey_.”

 

Jess was too busy laughing to notice the sound of descending footsteps on the stairs, but she looked up in time to see the door opening and their hosts entering. She sat up a little, hoping they hadn’t overheard them talking.

“Is he alright?” she enquired.

Mark and Sebastian sat themselves down with huffed breaths.

“Sulking,” reported Mark. “Down though.”

“He just gets clingy sometimes,” Sebastian explained. “I don’t know what it is.”

“Probably thinks he’s missing out on something,” offered Jenson.

“Probably,” agreed Mark. “Right, I could use a coffee. Anyone else?”

  


  


They got half an hour’s peace before the sound of crying came through the monitor once more, followed by plaintive calls for dada and papa that Mark and Seb weren’t able to ignore. They brought him down, Mark sitting the baby on his knee still rubbing over his arm to calm him.

“Needed a change,” he stated.

Jenson nodded, glad that he wasn’t required to get involved with such things when he considered himself only just over the trauma of trying to help when they had babysat back in May.

“What time have you guys got to go?” checked Mark, knowing they were technically en route to Jenson’s mother’s house.

“Oh not till three, half three maybe,” Jess replied.

“We were just thinking we could go for a bit of a stroll, get some fresh air.”

“He might have a proper nap then you see,” Seb explained. “Otherwise he’s going to be tired.”

“And grouchy.”

Sebastian smiled at Mark and stroked over Teddy’s head, knowing that was true. He looked back to their guests, appraising Jessica’s shoes.

“Just go along the lanes a bit with him in his pram,” he proposed.

“In the hopes he drops off in it,” added Mark.

“We can lend you coats and hats and things.”

Jessica smiled, knowing they could hardly refuse.

“Sounds good.”

“Couldn’t hurt to get some fresh air,” agreed Jenson.

“Great,” smiled Seb. “I’ll go dig out some stuff for you.”

  


It took twenty minutes before Sebastian and Mark had decked out both Teddy and their friends in enough cold weather gear to brave the outdoors. They had already taken the dogs out along the footpaths that morning where the going was decidedly muddy, so the lanes were definitely a better bet with what Mark classified as ‘townies’. As Seb took the pushchair walking with Jessica, Mark offered a lead to Jenson so they could each walk a dog, trying not to laugh as his friend pulled a face at the horse muck in the lane.

“Ah smell that country air,” he teased.

Jenson puffed a breath, then coughed.

“I thought you said it was fresh air out here.”

Mark looked over at the droppings.

“Pretty sure that is fresh.”

“Urgh.”

Mark did laugh now, giving Shadow a rub in front of him.

“Uncle Jense isn’t used to all this.”

“No I’m not.” Jenson shook his head and smiled. “How did you wind up a country gent?”

“I’m impressed you think I’m a gent.”

“I use the term broadly.”

“Cheers mate.”

“No worries,” teased Jenson, attempting a terrible Australian accept.

“Ha, now that really is bad.”

“Sorry.”

Mark smiled and shook his head.

“What kind of accent is your kid gonna wind up with?” pondered Jenson.

Mark raised his eyebrows.

“Not really thought about it.”

“Bit of an interesting mix Aussie and German.”

“Mm, well I don’t know,” admitted Mark. “To be honest mate we’re just working on getting words at all, not worrying what they sound like.”

“German and English?”

“Course.”

 

Jenson nodded. It seemed ambitious to him, but if he had learned another language earlier perhaps he wouldn't be as rubbish as he was at either French or Japanese.

“Very good,” he agreed.

“I suspect he’ll wind up sounding like the kids he goes to school with actually,” suggested Mark.

“Your little British kid.”

“Yep.” Mark glanced on to where Seb and Jess were talking as Seb pushed Teddy along a good few yards in front of them. “British, German, Aussie. We’re quite the cosmopolitans out here in the sticks.”

“Ha, guess you are. Don’t suppose we’ll ever tempt you to join us in cosmopolitan Monte Carlo?”

“Fraid not mate, no.”

“Ah well.”

“Aren’t you tempted to move back here?” asked Mark.

“Blighty? Nah, we’re happy in MC; warm weather, great nightlife.”

“Low taxes.”

“Ha, yeah and considerably fewer cowpats.”

“Horses mate,” corrected Mark.

“Really?”

Mark laughed.

“How can you not tell the difference?”

“I’ve really never given it a moment’s thought.” Jenson peered at another less than fragrant offering deposited in the middle of the lane, then shrugged. “Each to their own.”

 

Mark looked ahead down the winding lane lined by hedgerows and bare trees, the open wintry fields beyond and their respective other halves in front. Jess wore smart fitted trousers, little ballet pumps at least flat for walking in, wearing one of Seb’s padded jackets, a borrowed beanie on her head though her long hair lay immaculately below it as ever. Seb meanwhile was simply wearing old jeans and coat, boots still half coated in mud from earlier. A few messy dark blonde curls were escaping from the woolly hat he wore, just poking out at the nape of his neck where Mark wanted to tuck them away or maybe just tease Seb that he needed a haircut when he kissed him there. Later. Much later.

Mark nodded to his friend.

“Yeah mate, each to their own,” he concurred.

  
  


  


  


They spent the week before Christmas just as they pleased; going for runs to the village once the worst of the morning frost had lifted, taking turns to push the buggy and enjoying warming up at the coffee shop while the staff in turn enjoyed fussing over Teddy and whatever Christmas outfit Seb had put him in for the day. On the Tuesday Mark sat holding Teddy stood up so Jean could look at him once they’d got him out of the pram and his outerwear.

“Ah you’re a little snowman today,” cooed Jean.

“He’s Olaf,” clarified Sebastian sat at the opposite side of the little table.

“Oh of course, how lovely. Does he need a bottle warming?”

“Nah only really just had breakfast thanks,” explained Mark.

“Right you are then. Coffees?”

Mark smiled.

“Just the usual thanks.”

 

With a smile and a nod Jean was off to make their drinks, Mark sitting Teddy down in his lap.

“Still want to go into town after this?” he checked.

“Yeah I think as long as we’re not too late going in.”

Mark nodded. Even on a weekday there would be plenty of shoppers about this close to Christmas.

“Back in time for lunch,” he asserted.

“Yep.”

“Oh my sister sent through a few ideas for the girls.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah she said jewellery. Some, charm things? I don’t know. She sent a picture.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh at how alien Mark regarded such items.

“I’m sure we can find that.”

“How we doing on the list?” Mark checked.

“Still a couple to get.”

“Well we’ll spot something I’ve no doubt.”

Sebastian nodded. Mark said such things so confidently it shut down his fretting. Nothing to worry about.

  


  


Not too long later they were walking through the centre of Oxford, the streets thronged with fellow shoppers going about the same task.

Mark shook his head as Seb pushed Teddy in his buggy.

“Can you imagine what this place’ll be like come Saturday?”

Sebastian puffed a breath and shook his head. They’d had enough trouble finding a parking spot today. He didn’t fancy the last Saturday before Christmas when the city centre would no doubt be frantic. In truth he hadn’t expect it to be quite so busy today, but it seemed plenty of others had had the same idea as them, trying to get things done early. They wandered around the shops and managed to pick up a couple of items they thought would do as gifts, Mark assuring Seb that his family would be quite happy with whatever they got. Spying a shop on the corner, Sebastian smiled.

“Liebling we should look in there.”

Mark looked over where Seb nodded and smiled as well.

“Ah.”

“Where we got our rings.”

Mark chuckled.

“Yes darling I remember.”

He leaned in to kiss Seb’s cheek, then as they approached the door he went to open it, dipping down to help manoeuvre the pushchair up the step and inside. As they had a browse Seb found himself gazing at the wedding ring on his finger, Mark smiling as he noticed and putting his hand by Seb’s so the rings lay together: The word ‘always’ inscribed on the inside of each, just for them.

“Seems a long time ago doesn’t it?”

“It does.”

Mark looked down to their son sat playing with his pram toys, thankfully at too low a level to see all the shiny jewellery on the displays. When they had come in here to get their wedding rings almost two years ago they hadn’t even discussed having a child. Mark smiled and reached down to stroke Teddy’s cheek, earning a lovely bright little smile that made him sigh. Unpredicted journeys.

“Can I help you?”

Mark was brought back to the moment as an assistant appeared. He wasn’t sure he recognised him from their previous visits, but things moved on.

“Yes mate, we’re on a bit of a mission.”

Mark pulled out his phone to show him what they were looking for.

 

Before long they were almost done, the tray underneath the pushchair packed with bags and boxes. Seb thought he had done very well to concentrate on only getting things for others and not weakening to buy more presents for Teddy seeing he knew he could easily fill the house with toys and clothes and their son wouldn't have time for half of them. He saw another shop coming up on the horizon though and Mark who was now pushing the buggy smiled.

“Shall we take a detour?”

Sebastian smiled back, knowing he was too predictable.

“Books don’t count as spoiling do they?”

“Nah.”

Mark wheeled the buggy to the left, veering towards the bookshop that always tripped them up on the way back to the car somehow. By they time they left the pushchair tray had another couple of bags crammed underneath. Sebastian put his hand over Mark’s on the buggy handle and stroked one finger over Mark’s wedding ring. He looked up as Mark huffed a laugh and received a wink that made him smile and stand a little taller.

 

Despite being bundled up in coats and scarves and hats, Seb knew they were getting the odd glance in their direction whilst shopping, though thankfully nobody intruded close enough to check if they might just be the people they thought they maybe recognised. Seb could live with that so long as they were left alone. He was too busy enjoying feeling like a normal family doing normal family things to let anything spoil it.

As Mark bumped the pushchair up a pavement kerb Teddy pulled an unhappy face and let out a wail.

“Alright alright, sorry mate,” he apologised, trying not to smile as the baby scowled at him. “Think it’s definitely time to go home for lunch. Someone’s getting crochety.”

“I thought I was being very good Liebling,” teased Seb.

Mark shook his head and sent Sebastian a look as he smiled at him.

”Not bad,” he allowed before he more carefully angled the pushchair over the concrete lip into the car-park. Why everywhere didn’t have ramps eluded him.  


  


  


It was just as they were getting in from walking the dogs after Teddy’s nap that Sebastian’s phone rang. He still had the baby in the carrier attached to his front, so as he tried to get his phone from his pocket, Mark hoicked the baby out.

“Fabe? Hey, you okay?” answered Seb as he got the phone to his ear. “No I’m just, hang on, we just got in, literally just stepped through the door… No, it’s okay. Can I call you back in a sec?” He paused as he heard the tone of his brother’s voice. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Sebastian looked to Mark who was busily trying to hang on to Teddy and undo his snowsuit at the same time as shooing the dogs into the kitchen out of their way. Seb shook his head and Mark knew instantly that Fabian plainly _wasn’t_ okay.

“I’ll call you back in one minute I promise,” vowed Seb. “I just need to take the carrier and my coat off, okay? I’ll call you right back.”

He hung up and sighed heavily. Mark tugged Teddy’s last leg out of his outdoor wear so he didn’t overheat inside, then hitched him into one arm so he could put a hand on Seb’s.

“Sweetheart?”

Sebastian huffed a breath at the same time as he hauled the carrier strappings off and shed his coat before quickly undoing the laces on his boots to get them off too.

“He’s got that voice.”

“What voice?”

Seb looked up from tugging one damp boot off.

“The voice that says he’s not okay whilst telling me he is.”

Mark nodded sympathetically, knowing Seb had perfected that voice long ago if only people had really listened.

“I’ve got Teddy, you call him back.”

“Yeah, I’ll just…”

“We’ll be in the kitchen.”

“Okay, um, just…”

Seb took Teddy to at least allow Mark to get his own shoes and coat off, then passed him back with a nod. Sebastian let out a long breath and went into the lounge as Mark went the other way. He was already redialling as he sat on the sofa.

  


In the kitchen Mark sighed as he looked at his son.

“Growing up’s a tricky business sunshine. I’m not sure I can recommend it.”

“Dada.”

“Yeah mate.”

Mark stroked his cheek and sighed again as Teddy pressed into him. He didn’t ever want to think about their precious son getting his heart broken, no matter how far off that might be.

“Ah dear, poor Uncle Fabe.

Teddy pressed further into him, then looked up with those big blue eyes.

“Dada.”

“Yeah? Whatcha need kiddo?”

“Dada,” repeated Teddy, now moving his hand from hanging on to Mark to pat at his mouth.

“Are you hungry bub? Hm? What about some nice warm milk? That sound nice? Yeah think I could do with a warm drink too. Papa’ll have to wait for his.”

Mark set about making drinks to warm them up, leaving an extra mug waiting for Sebastian empty for now.

  
  


In the lounge Sebastian sighed quietly as his younger brother let out rather louder sighs down the phone.

“I just. I knew what it would be like,” he admitted heavily.

“Well at least she wanted to see you,” offered Seb.

“Hmm.”

“Did she say anything different?”

“No,” replied Fabian morosely. “I didn’t even think she would. I just… Oh god I don’t know. I’m such an idiot.”

“No you’re not.”

“I am.”

“Fabe.”

“She just… I mean, for a moment it was like we were, like we used to be. I walked into the coffee shop and she smiled at me across the room and then…” Fabian took a sharp breath. “I just… like for a second my brain forgot and I was pleased to see her and then I remembered and it was like someone kicked me in the stomach.”

“Oh Fabe,” sighed Sebastian. “I’m so sorry.”

“I really thought for a horrible moment I might cry. It was so stupid.”

“Not stupid.”

“In front of all those people.” Fabian swallowed. “I nearly ran right out of there.”

“Ah hell.”

“Imagine what they’d have thought.”

“It doesn’t matter what anyone thought,” insisted Seb.

“Hmm.”

“You know what Mark would say?”

“What?”

“Bollocks to them.”

 

Despite it all Fabian laughed, then closed his eyes tight to stop himself from crying.

“It’s so stupid.”

“Stop saying that Fabe. Really. It’s not stupid. You’re not a robot. You feel things. Of course it hurt to see her again.”

“Yeah. You warned me.”

“Ah Fabe. We didn’t say it cos we wanted to be right.”

“I know.”

Sebastian puffed out a long breath.

“What did you do?”

Fabian huffed a little laugh.

“I waved and smiled back, took a deep breath and went over.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Right, well, I dunno, all you could do.”

“Yeah.”

“That took courage.”

Fabian huffed a dry laugh, but Sebastian shook his head.

“It did. Look you said you wanted to see her to finalise things at least.”

“Yeah. Guess we did that.”

“So what did she say?”

“Just the same as before. It was all very polite. Anyone watching would think everything was fine.”

“Mm.”

“I think the only time I lost it a bit was when she tried to tell me about him.”

“Oh?”

“I mean, not lost it lost it, just. I could feel myself getting… I don’t even know, annoyed and I guess upset and stuff.”

“Of course. You don’t want to hear that.”

“No.”

“Did you tell her?”

“Hm?”

“Did you tell her you didn’t want to know?”

“No I just sort of tuned out.”

“Ah.”

“Cowardly I suppose.”

“What? No it was pretty cruel of her to make you listen.”

“She didn’t mean it to be unkind. She was trying to explain.”

 

Sebastian puffed a long breath at his brother defending his ex. Unfortunately all it did was show him how much Fabian still cared for her.

“Other than that she just said all the same stuff,” continued Fabian, trying to sound matter of fact. “Just she felt really bad about it and it wasn’t me and that she was sorry.”

“Right. Don’t imagine any of that helps much.”

“No.”

Fabian went silent and Sebastian wondered what to say.

“I’m sorry,” he offered.

“That’s okay.”

“Look it sucks, but you wanted to see her to end things properly.”

Fabian huffed a mirthless laugh.

“I think I wanted to see her in the hope she would beg me to take her back, but sure.”

“Ah Fabe.”

“It’s okay. The rational part of my brain was doing what you said,” agreed Fabian. “Looking for… what did Mark call it?”

“Closure.”

“Right, so I guess I got that. A pretty closed door.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Closed right in my face,” continued Fabian. “And her being nice about it just…”

“Doesn’t help?”

“No.”

 

Back in his room in Germany Fabian sat further back on his bed and set his head against the wall.

“At least I can forget any stupid ideas about her wanting me back now,” he stated sadly.

Sebastian rubbed at his face with his spare hand.

“I’m sorry Fabe. It’s her loss.”

“I guess.”

Fabian took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to stop himself wailing; _‘Why doesn’t she want me?’_ which was about all his brain was rotating and had been for weeks now. Crying didn’t make him feel any better.

“I really am sorry Fabe,” offered Sebastian, knowing it didn’t do much good.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not really though is it?”

“No.”

There was a pause.

“Fabe I wish there was something I could say to help.”

“Yeah.”

“Not much I can do though is there?”

“No.” Fabian pushed out a breath. “At least I can tell you.”

“Of course you can. You always can.”

“Thanks.”

“I know it’s easy for me to say, but maybe now you can move on?” tried Seb. “I know that might sound trite, but perhaps that’s why you needed to see her?”

“Maybe. I don’t much feel like doing anything now,” admitted Fabian.

“No well, not right now, but in time.”

“Mm.”

 

Fabian sighed, staring up to the ceiling.

“Is there anything I can do?” asked Sebastian.

“No. That’s okay.”

“I’m sorry I had to ring you back.”

“It’s alright.” Fabian took a deep settling breath. “Where’s Mark and Teddy?”

“They’re in the kitchen.”

“Right.”

“Did you want to speak to Mark?”

“Um.”

“Only if you want to.”

Fabian paused.

“Can you tell him first?”

“Of course,” agreed Seb, knowing it would be no fun for his brother to have to go over all this again. “Just give me a moment, yeah?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

 

Sebastian didn’t hang up, he merely put the phone down on the coffee table and hurried through to the kitchen where both husband and son were having their drinks. Mark turned to him as he came in.

“So is he alright?”

“He wants to talk to you.”

“Oh right.”

“Well, actually I think he just wants to hear something reassuring from you really.”

“Ah. I take it the meeting didn’t go too well?”

Sebastian puffed a breath and sat down next to Mark to explain it to him as concisely as he could while Mark winded the baby. Mark nodded as he rounded up, then stood holding Teddy.

“Come on then let’s not keep the poor guy waiting any longer.”

  


They went back through, Seb letting his brother know Mark and Teddy were there before setting the phone on speaker between them. Mark tried not to offer too many platitudes, though it was hard not to.

“Ah sorry mate, what can you do eh?”

“Not much,” agreed Fabian.

“No. Well at least you know you’ve acted right about it all,” offered Mark.

“I guess.”

“That matters,” added Seb.

“Mm, I spose. She said she wanted to be friends and I just sort of nodded, but I don’t think I can really do that.”

“No.”

“It just hurts too much to see her.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah mate. It truly sucks.”

“What did you say to that?” enquired Seb.

“Huh? Oh. I just sort of nodded,” admitted Fabian.

“Right.”

“But… I don’t know if it’s cowardly, but if she asks to see me again I think I’ll say no.”

Mark nodded again.

“You know mate I think you need to look after yourself a bit. Maybe stop worrying quite so much about her feelings and put yourself first. You don’t have to be too brutal about it, just if she mentions seeing you, perhaps say you don’t think it’s a good idea right now.”

Fabian took a deep breath.

“Yeah. I think like, you said before about having some space. That would sound alright wouldn't it?”

“Of course it would. You’re not the bad guy here Fabe.”

“Mark’s right,” concurred Seb. “Put your feelings first a bit. Just politely say you can’t right now and she’ll get the message.”

“Yeah. Okay, thanks. I don’t think I’m gonna text her or anything unless she texts me.”

“Probably best,” agreed Seb.

“It’s alright to feel a bit trampled on,” offered Mark. “Well, it’s not, it’s sh…” he stopped himself just in time, looking to Teddy playing with his toys and the dogs in front of them, “rubbish, but as long as you can feel you’ve done the right thing, then when you get to the other side you won’t need to feel bad about it any more. Or at least, not so bad.”

“Okay.”

“And it’s not like you’ll have to see her all the time in passing seeing as you’re at different unis.”

Fabian coughed a dry laugh.

“Kinda the problem in the first place.”

“Well, yes, sorry, but you’re not going to accidentally bump into her, so you don’t need to worry about that once you’re back.”

“You can just get on with things,” chimed Seb. “Doing all the normal uni things, keeping busy at least.”

“Yeah. I guess there is that.”

“Have you got anything else planned?” asked Mark. “Anything for Christmas, seeing your friends?”

“Um, yeah Friday night we’re meant to be going out.”

“Good.”

“I’m not sure if I want to go,” confessed Fabian. “I’m not really in the mood.”

Mark sent a look to Seb.

“I would if I were you,” he asserted. “Your call mate, but I think it’d do you good.”

“You don’t have to stay late,” added Seb.

“I suppose.”

“Maybe see how you feel on Friday,” Mark offered, “but don’t write it off just yet.”

“Okay.”

“Weren’t you going to go to Stef’s tomorrow?” remembered Sebastian.

“Oh, yeah. I dunno.”

“Even just to see Sofie.”

“Yeah… Maybe if I went on Thursday instead?”

“Sure, whatever you think.”

 

Fabian took a deep breath then sighed.

“This is a rubbish way to spend Christmas.”

Mark huffed a wry laugh.

“Yeah mate it is. We’re sorry.”

“Yeah.”

“At least New Year’s coming up,” offered Seb.

“How does that help?”

“Well, new start...”

Seb trailed off, feeling it was rather a lame suggestion, but Mark picked it up.

“Seb’s right. New year, chance to put stuff behind you and move forwards. This is gonna feel, well how it feels for a while, but you go back to uni and you can at least try to look ahead.”

“Yeah okay,” nodded Fabian. “I suppose you’re right about it being good I won’t have to see her.”

“Exactly.”

Fabian huffed a long breath.

“Thanks. Sorry, I just needed to talk to someone.”

“Of course.”

“You can always call us,” asserted Seb.

“Thanks. It just… I dunno, I know I said I wanted to see her, but it just feels like I got dumped twice.”

“Ah Fabe.”

“More fool her,” asserted Mark firmly. “Seriously mate. You’re gonna look back on this one day and I can’t pretend it’ll feel good, but you’ll know you did what was right. It might not seem much now, but it is something.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“It’ll all be ancient history one day,” asserted Seb, thinking what ideas had helped him deal with things in the past.

“It will,” echoed Mark. “You just gotta get through it and you’ll be alright.”

“Yeah,” replied Fabian, his voice still weighted.

“I wish we could help,” repeated Seb.

“Oh no you are.”

“Okay.”

“Is Teddy there?”

“Hm? Oh yes he’s just playing.”

“Oh okay.”

“Do you want to see him?” suggested Mark. “We could call back and Facetime so he can say hello if you want?”

Fabian paused, wondering what he looked like, but the idea of seeing his nephew was tempting.

“Um, okay.”

“Right, two ticks. We’ll ring straight back.”

 

Mark hung up, then passed the phone to Sebastian to set up the Facetime call while he fetched Teddy to sit with them. As the call connected and Fabian’s face appeared on the phone screen Sebastian peered at him, wondering if his brother had been crying. At the other end Fabian had just finished rubbing over his face hoping it wasn’t obvious that he _had_ been.

“Hi Teddy,” he greeted as cheerily as he could manage.

Mark helped Teddy wave.

“Look Teddy it’s Onkel Fabe. He wanted to see you.”

Teddy pawed towards the screen, trying to reach his young uncle who played such fun games with him, frowning when he felt a cold smooth screen and not his face. Fabian smiled, but oddly seeing his nephew reaching for him like that made him want to cry even more.

“Hi Teddy,” he waved again as Mark held him back slightly and Seb moved the phone a little higher to encompass them all.

 

They spent a couple of minutes encouraging Teddy to smile and babble to his uncle. Sebastian turned to face his son trying to get him to repeat his name.

“Hi Fabe. _Fay_ bbe.”

Mark huffed a little laugh, but Teddy was looking quite seriously at his papa.

“Fah, _Fay,_ _”_ tried Teddy earnestly.

“Hey, well done Teddy,” praised Mark.

Sebastian angled his head to look at his brother in the phone, glad to see him smiling.

“That was really good Teddy, thanks,” offered Fabian.

“Faay,” repeated Teddy.

“Good boy.” Mark kissed the top of his son’s head. “Really good try there.”

“You love your Onkel Fabe don’t you Teddy,” encouraged Seb.

“Fay-fay,” repeated Teddy once more seeing it pleased everyone.

“That’s great, thanks.” Fabian took in a breath. “Okay, I should let you guys go.”

“Are you sure?” checked Seb.

“Yep. I could do with something to eat. I didn’t really feel like lunch earlier so… yeah.”

“Ah, yeah mate you should have something. Should make you feel a bit better.”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian looked at his brother again, trying to read him. At least if Fabian was thinking about eating something that was good. When he was miserable Seb knew he couldn't eat at all, so that was encouraging.

“Yeah go get some food,” Seb encouraged. “And then, well, we’re here if you need us, or just text or whatever.”

“Okay.” Fabian nodded, then eyed his brother. “Don’t worry if I don’t though. I’m kinda tired. Maybe tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

“That’s fine mate,” assured Mark. “You just do what you need to. If you need to go eat a pint of ice-cream right now then you have a free pass.”

Fabian laughed.

“Thanks. Yeah I’ve still got some of Pauline’s shortbread.”

“Have some proper food too,” instructed Seb.

Fabian smiled.

“Yeah I’ve got Mum here already thanks.”

Mark put his arm around Seb, knowing how he worried.

“Let her fuss a bit then mate.”

“Okay and thanks, really.”

Fabian looked directly at his brother hoping he hadn’t offended him by joking about him acting like their mother.

“No problem,” replied Mark.

“And thanks Seb,” emphasised Fabian.

“Oh that’s alright.”

“Okay, bye then. Bye Teddy.”

“Bye Onkel Fabe,” waved Mark with Teddy.

“Take care Fabe,” added Seb.

“Will do. Thanks. Bye.”

  


With a last few waves the call ended, Seb letting his brother be the one to hang up. Then he put the phone down on the coffee table and sat back into the sofa, leaning into Mark with a sigh. Mark rested his head against Seb’s, then turned it and kissed his temple.

“Okay?” he checked.

Sebastian pushed out a long breath.

“He looked upset.”

Mark nodded, then fractionally shrugged a shoulder.

“He’s gonna be upset sweetheart.”

“I just wish I knew what to say to make it better.”

“Ah Seb, there are no magic words. It just takes time. He’ll be alright.”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a second, then looked to Mark.

“The thing is we say we know what it’s like, but I don’t really. I don’t know what to say to help, cos I never really went through that, not like that. I never really had a normal relationship.”

“Sweetheart, what’s this then?” challenged Mark lightly, trying to cheer him.

“No of course this, but one where I broke up with someone. It was never really like that.”

Mark nodded and squeezed Seb in.

“No, okay.”

“We’re never going to split up.”

Mark looked at him.

“Of course we’re not darling. Not even an issue. Done deal. Lifetime pact, the full works.”

Seb gave him a little smile.

“We got rings and everything.”

Mark smiled and lifted Seb’s hand up to kiss his wedding ring.

“Always my darling. Okay? It’s not just a promise, it’s a fact.”

Seb nodded and Mark gave him a kiss.

“You hurt because your brother hurts. You empathise, you listen. You don’t need to come up with a magic solution to make it all better right away. You don’t need to have been through the exact same things as him. All you need to do is listen and care.”

Sebastian pouted, perilously close to tears.

“That’s what you did. What you always do.”

“I try.”

“You’re great. You’ve always been amazing.”

“Well I don’t know about that darling, but I’ll always listen and I’ll always care.”

“Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too darling.”

 

Sebastian put his head on Mark’s shoulder then looked to Teddy, seeing how quiet he was now.

“Sorry Teddybär, we love you too. It’s okay.”

“Course it’s okay.”

“We were having such a nice day.”

Mark sat up a little and rubbed over Seb’s arm.

“C’mon sweetheart don’t let it get you down. Fabe’s gonna be alright.”

Sebastian sat with him and nodded.

“Okay, sorry.”

“That’s alright. What would help cheer you up?”

Sebastian squashed his face about.

“Put something jolly on?” proposed Mark. “May-beee, hmm…” he looked to their DVD collection. “What about we stick Aladdin on or The Little Mermaid and we can teach Teddy the songs?”

Seb smiled and nodded.

“Okay.”

“Great. Let’s light the fire, put the tree lights on and settle in.”

“Shall we sit on the floor?”

“Hm? Oh with the boys? Sure, family pile up, why not.”

  


Five minutes later they had go themselves organised, cushions on the floor with a cosy atmosphere set. Shadow and Simba happily piled themselves at their feet as Mark and Seb got comfortable. Seeing as Seb had opted to watch Aladdin, as soon as the music started up Mark swayed a little to the music, holding Teddy with him and deliberately leaning into Seb to make him smile. The dogs sat resting on their front paws for all the world as if they too were watching the film. As the genie appeared and started singing a song Mark held Teddy up to stand in his lap, moving him in time as though he was the character.

“Oh Mark,” laughed Seb. “Poor Teddybär. What is Daddy doing?”

Teddy laughed as Mark helped him bounce, dancing to the music, both parents laughing as well now.

“See, he loves it,” insisted Mark. “Dontcha buddy?”

Teddy pitched into him, arms going around his neck, so Mark kissed his cheek and sat him on one knee next to Seb, jigging that knee to keep Teddy amused along with the music that he was now clapping to.

“Just like Papa,” smiled Mark with a wink for Seb.

Sebastian smiled in at Teddy, seeing how focused those big blue eyes were on the bright colours moving on the screen in front of him. He stroked over his cheek thinking how cute Fabian had been as a baby and how he had sometimes sat watching films like this with him when their mother had been busy. It had been videos back then, not DVDs. He couldn't remember if he had watched this film with him, but even when he reached his teens Seb had used his little brother as his excuse to watch kids’ films and cartoons. It was a long time ago and now Fabian was grown up. And getting hurt by life. Seb gazed at his son wondering how they protected him from that. Their beautiful innocent son. Nobody was allowed to hurt him. Ever.

As he let out a little sigh Mark looked to him.

“Alright?”

Seb nodded and leaned more into him, his arm around Mark’s back, moving his head a little to the music as a new song started up.

“Good stuff.”

“Can we watch Little Mermaid after this?” asked Seb.

“Sure. As many as you like. Disney marathon.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Best husband in the world.”

“Ha, there should be badges for it.”

“Yes.”

“We’ll get two.”

Sebastian chuckled as Mark hugged him in a bit. It was the best feeling. Maybe he could text his brother a hug in a bit? It wasn’t much, but it would tell him he was thinking of him. Mark was right, there were no magic words, or indeed lamps with genies to grant your wishes, but there was family and there was love and that was worth more than anything else.

  


 

* * *

 


	244. Oh the weather outside is frightful...

* * *

 

 

Seb left it to his brother to call him, sending just a few texts over the next couple of days so he wasn’t crowding him when Sebastian knew he might just need time and space. He rang their sister though, treading carefully as he spoke to Stef, though it seemed she knew more than Seb had expected.

“Don’t worry,” she assured, “I’m trying to keep an eye on him. Actually he was meant to be coming over today, but I think he’ll come tomorrow now.”

“Yeah he said.”

“Ah okay.”

“Well, just, um… maybe don’t push him, but…”

“I’ll be sensitive, don’t worry.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Big sister. It’s my job,” Stef asserted.

“Ha, yeah.”

“Hopefully Sofie will cheer him up a bit, but I’ll be here with tea and sympathy if need be.”

“Right, good well I’m sure he’ll be glad to see Sofie, and you obviously.”

Stefanie laughed at the addition.

“I’m sure. Anyway, what about you guys? You all okay?”

“Oh yeah we’re fine. Just enjoying the time off.”

“Up to much?”

“Not a lot. Just the usual really,” explained Seb. “We go for runs into the village and have coffee, take the dogs out, have swims, try and fit in a bit of training.”

 

His sister laughed.

“Do you sit still at any point?”

“Yeah occasionally, we just cosy up in the lounge, watch a film, that sort of thing.”

“Sounds nice. I don’t think I’ve stopped all week.”

“Busy then?”

“Yep. Be glad when we’re all properly off for Christmas.”

“I’m sure. How’s the weather?”

“Cold.”

“Ha, yeah same here.”

“We had a bit of snow earlier,” reported Stefanie.

“Oh what?”

“Jealous?” she teased.

“Very.”

“Well it’s not stuck. I’m kinda hoping it stays that way to be honest. Mum keeps hinting we should stay for Christmas rather than going back and forth, but I’d rather come home.”

“Mm.”

“She’s not still guilting you is she?” checked Stefanie.

“Oh no not really.”

“Well don’t feel guilty about it. You spend your whole life rushing about. You’ve earned time off.”

“Thanks.”

“Alright well I think I can hear Sof waking from her nap so I’d better go.”

“Oh okay. Take care.”

“Will do, and you.”

“Thanks.”

“And don’t worry too much about Fabe.”

“Okay, cheers. Love to Sof and Jan.”

“Likewise to Mark and Teddy.”

“Bye.”

“Bye then.”

 

Sebastian hung up, then took a deep breath, glad to think that his brother was in safe hands. He stood and made two coffees, taking the mugs through to the lounge where Mark was sat on the floor with Teddy and the dogs.

“Hey.”

“Hey, oh thanks.”

Mark blew on his coffee, then took a sip as Teddy attempted toddling whilst holding onto the scruff of Simba’s neck, the dog patiently enduring it as ever.

“How’s Stef then?” he checked.

“Yeah good. She says she’ll keep an eye on Fabe.”

“Good. Well maybe you can worry a bit less then?”

Sebastian nodded.

“I just wish we lived a bit closer sometimes.”

“Mm.”

“Not all the time, just…”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took a deep breath, then smiled as Teddy came his way.

“Hey Teddybär.”

 

He held his coffee mug as far from his body as he could as the baby tumbled into him. Mark rescued the hot drink and set it safely away on the coffee table behind them. Sebastian sat Teddy on his knee and gathered up a few of the scattered coloured wooden blocks on the floor, smiling in at the baby as he piled them into a tower.

“One, two, three,” he explained as he pointed to each in turn.

Mark smiled as he drank his coffee.

“Every day a learning day,” he teased.

Seb pulled a face at him then pointed to the blocks again.

“Blue, green, red.”

Teddy promptly kicked the little tower over and burst into a peal of laughter, Mark restraining himself from doing the same.

“Oops.”

Sebastian sighed. Earlier Teddy had cried when the dogs had knocked over a tower he had helped build. Fickle as ever.

“You do it then,” he encouraged, sitting him on the carpet and putting a block into his hand.

Teddy looked at the red cube, then lobbed it across the room, only narrowly avoiding Shadow who was sat innocently near the fire.

“Whoa!” stopped Mark.

Teddy was busily trying to pick up another block, but Seb removed it from his hand.

“No. No throwing these,” he reprimanded.

As he fought to take it from the baby’s surprisingly strong grip Sebastian looked at his son firmly.

“No Teddy. No.”

Teddy pouted, reaching out a hand for more blocks, but Mark had brought over the storage tub and was sweeping them safely away. Sebastian sighed and shook his head.

“We need like a foam version of these.”

“He needs to know he can’t just chuck everything across the room,” countered Mark. “Don’t you young man? Hm? No throwing things at the dogs for starters.”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“He sees us throw sticks for them all the time.”

“Not _at_ them.”

“No.” Seb looked to Teddy. “Must be kind to the doggies. They love you Teddy. You should be kind to them.”

 

Teddy was still pouting and Seb wondered how much of this he could really take in. He wouldn't learn if they didn’t tell him though. Mark gave Shadow a rub as he sealed the lid on the block container and shook his head at Teddy. Teddy was pouting more now and Sebastian could feel his breaths getting sharper so he rubbed over his arm.

“Alright Teddybär Shadow’s okay. Just in future no throwing like that.”

Teddy looked up at him and in spite of his father using a softer voice, his lip wobbled and he started crying.

“Ah Teddy,” sighed Mark.

Sebastian lifted the baby to hold into him, rubbing over his back, but Teddy was howling now.

“He doesn’t understand,” asserted Seb.

Mark had come to stroke Teddy’s arm as well, looking into him as he cried into Seb.

“Alright mate, calm down.”

“Maybe he’s tired?”

“Hmm.” Mark puffed a breath as he peered in at Teddy, guessing it was more that their son didn’t like the tone of his parents’ voices as they told him off. “Maybe,” he agreed, thinking that putting Teddy down might give him a bit of a message as well. “Best we put him down then.”

 

Sebastian stood, Mark going with him to take Teddy upstairs. Once they got to the nursery and Seb put Teddy in his cot, the baby cried all the louder, but Seb didn’t pick him back up.

“I think you’re tired Schatz.”

He paused, but Mark was already collecting the monitor to take back downstairs so Sebastian took a deep breath and stepped away from the cot. Mark looked over to where their son stood howling and holding onto the cot railings. It was hard not to weaken and give in to always soothing him instead, but you could be too soft.

“Come on,” he encouraged, putting a hand on Seb’s arm.

Sebastian hesitated, but then Teddy sat down with a bump and scowled at them.

“I’m just gonna put the mobile on.”

“Seb.”

“To encourage him to have a nap.”

Mark nodded and Seb reached over to wind it up to set the music and toy animals going. Teddy reached for him, calling out ‘Papa’ and it was a battle for Seb not to relent, but he merely looked at him.

“Have a sleep Kleiner and maybe you’ll be in a better mood later.”

 

They went out of the nursery, shutting the door on their son still wailing and calling out for them. On the landing Sebastian stopped and closed his eyes, only opening them as Mark put his arm around him.

“We can’t spend our entire lives giving him everything he wants.”

“I know,” agreed Seb.

Mark looked at him and nodded.

“I know he’s only a baby darling, but he does need a little bit of tough love too. Just a little bit.”

Sebastian nodded back. They didn’t want to set themselves up for a nightmare spoilt toddler when that phase was bound to be hard enough as it was.

“Sorry Liebling.”

“No that’s okay.”

“I know I’m a soft touch.”

“No darling you just love him.”

“And you do.”

“Course I do. And like you said, he’s probably tired, so best he gets a nap.” Mark gave Seb a little smile. “Whether he agrees or not.”

Seb took a deep breath, then turned his head to the nursery door. The noise had died away.

“Now he can’t see us,” judged Seb.

“Yep.”

“Alright, shall we go down?”

“Sure.”

 

As they went back into the lounge Mark switched on the monitor and set it on the coffee table while they restored themselves by fussing over the dogs. After a minute Mark looked over to Seb, wondering if his earlier phone call had affected him.

“So what did your sister have to say?” he enquired.

Sebastian let Shadow settle his head on his leg and stroked over it as he filled Mark in. The monitor was quiet in the background and Seb was pretty sure he had been right about their son being tired, but Shadow didn’t deserve having things thrown at him and Teddy had to learn right from wrong, even if it was no more easy for his parents than for their son.

 

 

 

The days in the run up to Christmas day itself were busy enough, certainly in terms of taking care of the house seeing as Pauline was away visiting her son in Canada. It served to remind them of how much she did to keep their household going. Mark and Seb took turns to do what needed doing to stop them sinking into chaos though they knew their cleaning wasn’t up to her standards.

“I think we’re the spoilt ones,” conceded Mark as he cleaned up around the sink in the kitchen while Seb gave Teddy a bottle.

“Mm.”

Mark wrung out the cloth and sat it by the taps before emptying the dishwasher and putting everything away.

“And we need to put a wash on,” he commented.

Sebastian looked up from Teddy and smiled.

“I think this is normal for most people.”

“Yeah. Hence spoiled.”

“Guess so,” agreed Seb. “We can sort stuff when he has a nap.”

“Sure.” Mark closed the cupboard, then turned. “Tea?”

“Yeah okay, thanks.”

 

Mark made the tea and brought it to the table, passing a mug to Seb as he sat beside him.

“Are we not normal?”

Sebastian chuckled and sipped his tea.

“Yes and no.”

“Hmm, oh well.”

“We’re just very privileged Liebling.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah. Ha, I was just about to suggest having a swim in a bit which rather underlines things.”

“Guess so,” agreed Seb. “And yeah that’d be nice. Once this has settled for him.”

“Sure.” Mark glanced out of the window, then over to the dogs relaxing in their baskets. “Not half gone dark outside. It’s only just gone two o’clock.”

Sebastian looked where he had and nodded.

“Maybe it’s gonna snow?”

Mark smiled, thinking that was largely wishful thinking.

“It is cold, not sure _how_ cold. Maybe though.”

 

Sebastian peered outside, examining the iron grey clouds in the sky. They felt oppressive somehow and he was sure they were weighed with something, if not snow then… He sighed.

“It’s raining.”

Mark looked out and saw the sudden downpour. Indeed he could hear it now, belting down into the garden.

“Oh dear.”

He leaned over to kiss Seb’s cheek, knowing he would be disappointed.

“That swim then?”

Sebastian nodded. Privileged indeed to have such an option.

“Yeah, guess so,” he agreed.

 

 

Sebastian was relieved that when he spoke to his brother on the Saturday night his greatest concern was that he had a hangover from going out with his friends the night before. He didn’t want to make him speak about things if it would only drag him down so Seb restricted himself to checking more generally that he was okay before promising to call back the following day with a video-call so that he could see Teddy.

“You know Mum will want us all in on that,” pointed out Fabian.

“Well I said we’d call in the evening when everyone’s over, so we’ll do two,” Seb offered.

“Christmas Eve,” noted Fabian. “Gonna be a bit strange you’re not here.”

“Sorry.”

“No that’s okay.”

“More glühwein for you.”

“Urgh, no, don’t mention booze.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Okay. Go lie down and drink more water.”

“That’s all I’ve done today.”

“Eat something then.”

“I think I might throw up.”

“Lovely.” Sebastian sighed. “Be careful won’t you?”

“What?”

“Don’t drink too much.”

“I don’t ever want to drink again.”

“Right.”

There was a pause and Fabian knew his brother was concerned.

“Seb it was just a big catch up and we got a bit carried away. I’m not drowning my sorrows.”

“Alright. Sorry, I know you’re sensible.”

“Not that sensible or I wouldn't still have a headache.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Fair point. Okay, well we’ll call tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

“Feel better.”

“Thanks. Hi to Mark.”

“Yep, bye then.”

“Bye.”

 

 

Mark brought through a mug of tea to Seb in the lounge, surprised to see he had finished his call.

“That didn’t last long.”

“No he’s got a hangover.”

“Ah. So he went on that night out with his mates then.”

“Yep.”

“Well that’s good. I mean, not the hangover, but you know.”

“Sure.”

“Did he sound okay?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Bit off, but generally okay.”

Mark nodded and sat beside him.

“Well in the scheme of things.”

“Yeah.”

“Right, well if you’re free I’ll bring my tea through.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

Mark shook his head.

“No no, he might have wanted to talk.”

 

A moment later he returned with his tea and the monitor for Teddy asleep in his room. As he sat down beside Seb Mark looked to him.

“You know you don’t have to apologise for wanting to have a private conversation sweetheart.”

“No I know.”

“Okay.” Mark leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Glad he’s alright, hangover aside.”

“Me too.”

Mark nodded, then picked up the remote control, turning on the TV and flicking through the television guide.

“Ooh Die Hard. Can we have a non ‘U’ film seeing as Teddy’s in bed?”

“Sure,” agreed Seb, sipping his tea and then settling in against Mark as he put it on the right channel in time for the film to start. “Good film.”

“Tis,” agreed Mark. “Also a Christmas film.”

“Ha, yeah spose it is.”

“Yippee ki-yay chicken pluckers!”

Sebastian cracked up.

“I don’t think that’s the line.”

“Pretty sure it is,” teased Mark.

“If you say so Liebling.”

Seb picked his mug back up and settled in resting into Mark, his arm around him as the film started up. Now they just had to hope their son didn’t interrupt them as they enjoyed switching their brains off to enjoy explosive action and witty one-liners that probably weren’t quite so family friendly as their usual film choices.

 

 

The week in the run-up to Christmas had seemed to stretch out before them, but all of a sudden it was Christmas Eve and the short day felt packed with preparations for the celebration; wrapping last presents, making sure they had all the food in they needed and everything was as ready as it could be. Before they knew it, it was three pm. Seb was meticulously arranging gifts under the tree while Mark tried to hold Teddy back from grabbing them. The dogs were safely out of the way sat on the rug, but as Teddy tottered towards them Mark scooped him up and glanced outside before looking to Seb.

“Sweetheart it’s gonna be going dark soon. If we want to take the boys out again we should get a move on.”

Sebastian looked at his watch.

“Oh, yeah I hadn’t realised.”

“If you want we can just let them have a run around in the garden?”

Getting up, Seb shook his head.

“No it’s fine. I’m pretty much just faffing now.”

Mark tried to hide a smile. He hadn’t wanted to say as much. He stood with him, lifting Teddy up.

“Right, better get ready then. C’mon boys, walkies.”

Shadow and Simba immediately leapt up barking at the word, making their masters laugh at their unending enthusiasm for the simplest of pleasures.

 

 

After a couple of wet days it had turned colder and drier again, though there was no blue sky to brighten the afternoon. Instead the frost refused to lift, the damp ground frozen hard underfoot, unyielding to the boots that tramped it. The dogs of course paid it no mind, happily scampering off while Seb and Mark had to walk much more carefully up the hill path. Mark carried Teddy at his front, Seb more than a little concerned that he might slip where the ground was iciest.

Sebastian hung on to Mark’s arm as they walked up, Mark unsure whether Seb was holding on to prevent himself from falling or because Seb worried _he_ might whilst carrying their son. Most likely the latter Mark presumed, so he gave him a smile and a nod before continuing to place his feet where the grip was best to stay steady as they continued on up.

As they reached the top Sebastian brushed off the thin coating of ice on the wooden bench so they could sit down, Mark doing so with a puff before lifting Teddy out of his carrier and passing him to sit on Seb’s knee.

“I’m sure that took twice as long as usual.”

Sebastian touched their son’s chilled little cheek and made sure the hood of his snowsuit was properly tucked over his woolly hat underneath.

“Better safe than sorry.”

Mark nodded, then whistled over to the dogs.

“Find a stick boys, go on. I don’t think we’ll be staying out here for long,” he advised.

 

They did as requested so Mark threw it for them to chase, Seb beside him gazing out to the horizon. In truth the view was fairly bleak right now and Sebastian could well see how a celebration of light and warmth had been needed at this time of year to provide hope and joy in the darkest of months.

“Imagine not having heating and electricity,” he commented entirely out of the blue.

Mark turned to him and laughed.

“Um, okay. I’d rather not though. Sounds chilly.”

“Exactly. Do you think people almost hibernated in the olden days?” mused Sebastian.

Mark chuckled at the things that went on in his husband’s head.

“I would if I were them,” he agreed. “Kip through from November to March. Just get up for a biscuit and a bathroom break midway through. Could work.”

“Get up for Christmas.”

“Ah yes. Well there we have it. Perhaps that’s what the winter break is all about in racing?”

“Ha, you wanna tell them that at the factory? I think they were working until Friday and they’ll be back pretty much straight after New Year.”

“Hmm, spose so. Ah well. Nice idea though.”

 

Sebastian leaned into him.

“You wouldn't get bored?”

“Well I’d be asleep wouldn't I? With you, all cosied up under the duvet.”

“We’d have to have Teddy with us.”

“Absolutely darling.” Mark smiled in at their son. “Couldn’t leave you out, could we kiddo?”

Sebastian nodded, his brain abstractly thinking that they would have to have some kind of safety cushions to prevent them rolling into their son as they slept the winter through. He huffed out a little laugh as he thought the nappy situation might not entirely lend itself to such an arrangement, then laughed again as he realised he was taking this idea way too seriously.

“I’m glad we have a nice warm home to go back to,” he decided.

Mark put his arm around him and nodded.

“Me too sweetheart.” He rubbed over his arm. “What shall we do when we get in then? Have we got anything more to sort out?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Not that we can do today. Just light the fire and warm up, then we can have an early dinner, do presents and call my folks.”

“Righto.”

Mark chuckled.

“What?” frowned Seb.

“No, just you said about being glad we have heating and stuff, then we plan to light the fire. You know, like we still make it by rubbing two sticks together.”

“Oh.” Sebastian shrugged. “I just like it. Makes everything seem cosy and more wintry somehow.”

“ _More_ wintry?” teased Mark. “You want more wintry than this?”

Sebastian tsk’d.

“No, well…”

 

A smile crept across his face and both of them laughed, knowing what Seb would _really_ like.

“Cold enough for it,” offered Mark. “Maybe we’ll have to send a late entry letter to Father Christmas asking for snow.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Have you been good?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Yes Liebling I’ve been very good.”

“Excellent.”

Mark chucked the stick again as Simba presented it to him, then turned and kissed Seb.

“Ah it’s cold,” he shivered, “and that fire is sounding pretty damn good right now, old-fashioned or not. Let’s head back before we freeze onto this bench.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Boys!” called Mark, beckoning them over. “Sorry boys we’re calling this short. Play with your stick on the way back and we’ll find you some treats when we get in.” He turned to Seb. “You wanna carry him?”

“Um.”

Mark smiled, guessing he wanted to really.

“I won’t let you fall.”

Sebastian nodded. Mark never would.

 

 

After dinner they were back in the lounge, the fire still burning as they sat by the tree. Mark held Teddy on his knee, the baby currently attired in stretchy snowflake design jersey leggings and top with red felt booties to match seeing as they had been an early gift from his Auntie Pauline (which she had considered more than fair exchange for the homemade card with Teddy’s hand prints done in paint on the front to make something approximating a reindeer).

“Right then,” began Mark. “Where do we start?”

“Okay, I’ve organised them so...”

The words died on Sebastian’s lips as he saw the teasing smile on Mark’s face.

“What?” he challenged.

“Nothing darling.”

Sebastian sighed and pulled a face, knowing Mark was amused at his organising even this. Mark laughed and shook his head, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

“Sorry sweetheart. It’s great you’ve organised everything.” He looked to Teddy. “Be all in a muddle without Papa wouldn’t we?”

“I just sorted the presents so we’ve got the ones from my family here together for tonight and the others on that side for tomorrow.”

Mark nodded.

“Makes perfect sense. No rummaging around. Good stuff.”

Sebastian took in a breath and decided to leave it there. He knew he bordered on compulsivity at times, but order made him feel comfortable and it _did_ make sense to put things together. The way other people were seemed odder to him.

 

Putting thoughts of that to one side he reached for the first of the presents, passing it to Teddy.

“Now, this is from Oma and Opa Teddybär. They’re not big things because they already gave you presents for Nikolaustag.”

Mark smiled, knowing that their son surely couldn't appreciate what Seb was saying. Teddy was shaking the gift up and down and Mark suspected the extent of his understanding was: _Shiny!_

Putting his arms around him, Mark helped Teddy to unwrap the gift, smiling at the hand-knitted blue jumper that was revealed.

“Very nice.”

Sebastian lifted it out and held it by their son, measuring him for size.

“Bit big, but the buttons on the shoulders are a good idea for changing him.”

“He’ll grow into it,” agreed Mark. “I didn’t know your mum could knit.”

“Neither did I. She might have got it somewhere. Still, nice though. Bit different.”

“Yep. Not off the peg. Very good. You like it Teddy?”

Teddy waved the wrapping paper around happily and his parents could only smile, knowing this was likely to be the theme of the evening.

 

They didn’t rush opening up the presents from Seb’s family, knowing that back in Heppenheim they would be busy with their own celebrations. Seb had promised his mother they would call shortly after seven so they should all be gathered in the lounge after dinner. He had tried telling them that they didn’t need to all get him and Mark things as well as Teddy, especially after they had received gifts when they had been over, but it seemed they hadn’t listened so by the time they had been through them all there were a considerable number of items piled around them.

Teddy even had found a toy he found more exciting than the wrapping paper and as his parents tidied things up a little, the baby sat by the dogs pushing a little wooden fire engine back and forth, delighted by the way the peg firefighters bobbed up and down out of the top as he did so. Man knelt down with him as Seb swept wrapping paper into a bag and stroked over Teddy’s blonde hair.

“You like that don’t you kiddo? Nee-nah!”

Teddy gurgled with laughter and pushed the toy into Simba lying watching him.

“Yeah I don’t think Simba wants to play darling,” warned Mark. “You come sit with me.”

He picked the baby up and took him back to where Seb was sorting the opened presents according to where he was going to put them.

“Done well here,” smiled Mark as he nodded at the little piles.

“Yes everyone’s been very kind.”

Mark looked at him, knowing Sebastian was totting things up and hoping he had given equivalent presents back to his family.

“Shall we ring them then?” he prompted.

Sebastian nodded, knowing that they didn’t want to keep Teddy up late or he wouldn't enjoy Christmas Day itself. He pulled out his phone and sent his brother a text to see if it was good timing and one receiving an affirmative, placed the Facetime call.

 

They sat with their backs to the Christmas tree, Seb wanting them to have a nice background as they chatted, exchanging thanks for gifts and only half-heartedly chiding them for being too generous. It was amusing to watch the two littlest members of the family peering in at the screen to see one another, both attempting to reach out and looking confused as to why their cousin wasn’t really there.

“You timed it well,” commented Stefanie. “We were going to take her home for bed soon.”

“Ah, us too,” concurred Seb. “Just needs his bottle and then we’ll take him up.”

“Bound to be up early tomorrow,” Mark added.

She held Fabian's phone so the screen could encompass most of the gathered clan.

“Okay so we’d better go. Say bye everyone.”

Mark and Seb smiled as the massed group waved, Jan keeping Sofie safely on his knee to stop her trying to get closer to the phone again. They waved back, Mark doing a rather less good job of controlling their son, so the last thing the Vettels saw before the screen went black was Teddy’s little hand looming in and Sebastian saying; ‘No Teddy don’t, _ach_...”

 

While Seb pulled the phone away and switched it off, Mark stuck his hands under Teddy’s arms and hauled him back.

“Little monkey.”

Sebastian put his phone in his pocket and considered Teddy.

“I think he’s a bit over-excited.”

“Well it is Christmas. Kinda par for the course,” pointed out Mark.

“Mm.”

“Bottle?”

“Right, yeah.”

Sebastian bobbed up to go get it, coming back through to find Mark on the sofa waiting with Teddy. It was tempting to suggest that there was too much in here to excite Teddy and keep him awake, but it was nice to sit cosily on the sofa together to feed him, so they did that, then took him up to get ready for bed. Teddy didn’t particularly want to let go of Mark when he put him in his cot, but Mark untangled those little arms from around his neck and Seb succeeded in tucking him in. He ducked down and looked at the baby through the wooden bars, indicating over to the woollen Christmas stocking hung from a handle on his chest of drawers.

“Now Teddybär we’ve put your stocking here, so we’ll have to see if Santa puts some nice things in there for you.”

“So mind you sleep right through,” contributed Mark.

Seb smiled up to him, then stood, leaning over to put the mobile on so they could make their exit.

 

Once out on the landing Mark took a deep breath. They both listened for any cries telling them that their son was protesting being put to sleep, but no, not a sound. Mark turned the monitor on to check and all they could hear was the steady breaths that told them Teddy had fallen miraculously straight asleep. They waited another minute, then Seb carefully opened the nursery door to peek in and sure enough, little Teddy lay in the glow of the nightlight, round cheek pressed to the side, arms stretched above as if in surrender to his fate, eyes closed.

“Wow, out like a light,” whispered Seb.

“Right then, can we get cracking putting his presents in?”

“What? No.”

Pulling the door shut again Sebastian shook his head.

“We have to wait to be sure he’s properly asleep.” Sebastian pouted. “Otherwise…”

Mark smiled and nodded. No spoiling the magic. He loved how into all this Seb was, practically aglow with happiness.

“Course. Well, why don’t we go relax for a bit and come back in an hour?”

“Yeah ‘kay.”

 

Walking down the stairs Mark put his arm around Seb.

“Are you sure you don’t want a stocking too?”

Seb smiled, knowing he was being teased.

“It’s for children.”

“That mean I don’t get one?”

“Do you want one Liebling?”

Mark undid the bottom gate and they stepped through, automatically closing it behind them to go back into the lounge.

“I can think of more exciting little surprises in the night.”

 

As they sat on the sofa Mark slipped his hand under Seb’s shirt as he leaned back from putting the monitor on the coffee table. Seb huffed a little laugh and smiled at him.

“Surprises?”

Mark slid his hand further round, smoothing over Seb’s nice warm skin and tweaking an eyebrow up at him.

“Well, perhaps not surprises, but nice things.”

“Nice things,” nodded Seb, leaning in a little.

“Mm. I mean for instance we do have an hour to kill right now.”

“This is just killing time is it?”

“No, I mean, not…” tripped Mark, not wanting to dismiss it like that.

Laughing at how easy it had been to tease him back, Seb put a hand on Mark’s shoulder and met no resistance as he got him to lie back so he could climb on top of him.

“Ah, sweetheart?”

Sebastian silenced him with a kiss, then grinned down at Mark.

“Shh Liebling, we’ve got an hour to kill.”

Mark shook his head, but he was laughing too as he slid both hands under that shirt now and coaxed it higher. The room was warm, Seb really didn’t need it on.

 

 

It was more like nine o’clock by the time they had regathered themselves and returned to the task of playing Father Christmas. Thankfully when they went back upstairs they found Teddy just as fast asleep, though he did move about slightly as they entered the nursery. Mark and Seb both froze as they saw him stir, waiting to see their son settle again before removing the stocking to fill it. Mark reached for the stocking then snatched his hand away as the jingle bell attached to the top chimed.

“ _Mark,_ ” hissed Seb.

“Sorry.”

Sebastian shook his head as they both watched to see Teddy stir in his sleep again, but they were granted a reprieve and they sighed in relief as he didn’t wake. After another moment Mark went to take the stocking once more, but this time Sebastian clamped his hand over the bell, the pair of them backing out of the room together with it as if trying to prevent a bomb from detonating.

Once on the landing Mark puffed a breath.

“That was close. Why did we pick one with a bloody jingle bell alarm attached?”

Seb pouted.

“It’s Christmassy.”

“Hmm. Yeah okay.”

Sebastian let go to shut the door and Mark covered the bell with his own hand to dampen any vibrations. He lifted it up a little to look at it and shook his head.

“Can’t believe it just took two grown men to remove one sock.”

“Stocking.”

“Right.”

Mark looked at the knitted woollen item that to him looked very definitely to fit the description of a sock, probably best for wearing with wellies to keep warm, even if it did have Christmassy patterns all over it. Stockings had quite different connotations to his mind, but it was what they’d called these as kids and he knew Seb was right about the term. Of course he was. Seb had been all over researching British Christmas traditions so Teddy could experience them, despite Mark pointing out that an Aussie Christmas was pretty much the same only warmer.

 

They went through to the next spare bedroom where they had stored the gifts for Teddy. Larger ones to the side and there on the bed sat a little pile of far tinier ones to go in his stocking.

“Are we not wrapping them?” asked Mark.

Sebastian had sat down on the bed to go through them.

“Hm? Well no I thought the stocking was like the wrapping.”

“I guess.”

“Should we wrap them? Seems a bit of a waste.”

Mark shrugged, then sat with Seb to look at the things they had accumulated of a suitable size.

“Nah, you’re right. Besides if we wrap them he probably won’t pay any attention to anything other than the paper.”

Sebastian smiled, knowing that was entirely plausible.

“Also who wraps a tangerine?” asked Mark with a smile. “Nah, we’re good sweetheart.”

 

They started tucking the gifts in, Seb lifting it up to see that it looked suitably full.

“Great,” nodded Mark. “Now we just have to get it back in there without waking him.”

“Mm.”

“We could just snip the bell off.”

“Mark. No.” Seb couldn't help pouting again. “It has to have the jingle bell.”

“Of course. Well, maybe we should just go find his ear-protectors? I reckon they must be in one of our race bags somewhere.”

Sebastian opened his mouth, but Mark was already laughing.

“I’m kidding.”

Seb rolled his eyes.

“We just need to be careful.”

“Yeah okay.” Mark looked over to the larger gifts at the side of the room.

“Please don’t tell me Santa has to put that stuff in his room as well? Cos seriously sweetheart if we’re having trouble with a stocking I don’t fancy our chances lugging a toy kitchen in silence.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. I thought we could put them in after breakfast or something.”

“Righto.” Mark took a deep breath. “Okay, are we going back in there then?”

Seb chuckled.

“What?” frowned Mark.

“No I just…” Seb shook his head. “For some reason I just had an image of us going in full black camo gear, body rolling across the floor to hang it back up again.”

Mark laughed too, then coughed.

“Night vision goggles on?”

“Might help. Perhaps some camouflage facepaint streaks as well.”

“Ah dear I think we might have been watching too many films.”

“Quite possibly,” agreed Seb. “Right, let’s go.”

 

They managed to replace the stocking with rather less difficulty, Seb carrying it on whilst muffling the bell, then holding both the bell and stocking to let Mark hook it over the drawer handle before oh so slowly lowering it into place and carefully letting go. That done Seb held his hands away and they both turned to look at their sleeping son.

“All quiet on the western front,” reported Mark.

“Hm?”

Mark shook his head and indicated out. As he shut the nursery door behind them they both puffed long breaths.

“Operation Christmas stocking complete.”

“Yep.”

“I have to confess there are many aspects to having a child which I failed to appreciate would be as tricky as they are, but hanging a stocking was not one of them,” admitted Mark.

Sebastian smiled and put a hand on his arm.

“But you rose to the challenge Liebling, as you always do.”

“Well...” Mark smiled. “Ably assisted as ever.” He leaned in to kiss Seb’s cheek. “Now then. I need something to calm my nerves after that.”

“Did you have anything in mind?”

Mark shrugged.

“Earlier was nice.”

“Wasn’t it though?” teased Seb.

“Indeed, although actually weren’t you saying your dad gave you his glühwein recipe?”

“Ooh yes.”

“We got the stuff you need?”

“Yeah I think so. Let’s go check.”

 

Twenty minutes later they were sat nursing steaming mugs of mulled wine. Mark inhaled the scent then huffed a laugh.

“Filled these pretty full sweetheart. You trying to get me tipsy?”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged.

“Do I need to?”

Mark tipped his head to one side as if considering the matter.

“Hmm. Probably not.”

“Probably not,” repeated Seb. “Well that’s good to know.”

Mark nodded and took a sip of his glühwein.

“Mm, hey this is really good.”

“You don’t have to sound so surprised.”

“No I mean.” Mark shrugged. “I just meant it’s good.”

Seb tested it himself.

“Mm, it is pretty good.” He smiled. “Am I allowed to say that?”

“Course you are.”

“I never made it before.”

“Really? Not even helping your dad?”

“Nope. It was always his job. Mum did pretty much everything else, but the glühwein was Dad’s domain.”

“Well it’s passed down a generation.”

“Thanks.”

 

They sat sipping their drinks for a while, then Mark leaned a little more into Seb, stroking his cheek against Seb’s, making him smile.

“What was that for?”

“Cos I can,” smiled Mark.

“Ah.”

“Mm, see maybe it’s the wine talking, but I can’t help thinking...”

“Thinking?” encouraged Seb.

“Christmas Eve, open fire, baby’s asleep, we’ve played Santa, drunk a little Wein.”

Sebastian laughed at his pronunciation, but Mark persisted.

“Even the boys have gone to bed for the night,” he continued.

“Are you suggesting we should too?”

“Hmm we _could_ ,” agreed Mark. “Or…”

Sebastian smiled as Mark stroked over his arm suggestively.

“It’s nice with the fire in here,” Seb concurred, guessing where he was going with this.

“Isn’t it though?”

 

Sebastian laughed again and Mark found himself gazing at the way those round cheeks bunched like apples, the way Seb’s eyes shone when he was happy: Light reflected from the fire like stars in the sky. He sighed and put his hand so he could caress Seb’s cheek, thinking he would sound crazy if he said that out-loud. Seb looked back at him, wondering what to say, then decided he didn’t need to say anything. As Mark kept his hand at the side of his cheek Sebastian closed his eyes and leaned into it, making him take a deep breath of appreciation. Mark leaned in to place his mouth by Seb’s ear.

“You know I just want to jump you when you do that.”

Sebastian reopened his eyes and cracked up, Mark unable to stop himself laughing too.

“Oh my god Mark.”

“I couldn't help myself.”

“You old romantic.”

“Yeah.”

“You do have a way with words,” smiled Seb.

“Mm. Sorry.”

Shaking his head Sebastian put his hand in Mark’s, intertwining their fingers before smiling at him again.

“It’s nice by the fire,” he proposed.

“So it is.”

 

They looked at each other for another moment, then stood, leaving their hands linked as they chose to go and sit on the rug before the fire. Even as they leaned in to kiss one another a corner of Mark’s mind was thinking logistically; should he grab a cushion from the sofa? He’d need to nip upstairs too; no checking on Teddy this time seeing as he had even less desire to wake him then when they did his stocking…

Then as the kiss deepened all that slipped away, whether due to the alcohol in his system or just running out of air, Mark neither knew nor cared seeing as he was far too busy leaning in over Seb as he lowered down onto the rug. Everything would take care of itself. Just so long as that monitor stayed nice and quiet, Mark would consider that Teddy’s Christmas present to them.

 

 

 

 

 

“It’s Christmas Day!”

Mark blearily opened his eyes to see Sebastian leaning over him. He groaned and rubbed at his face thinking he ought not to be in the least surprised that his husband had woken before their son had. Far too excited. Lord only knew what time it was. Seb lowered in to kiss him and Mark smiled, his mind slipping back to the night before; open fire and a little wine always a sure way of getting to relax enough to get carried away right where they were; Seb pressed into him, chest still heaving, his rapid heartbeat beating through to Mark as he stayed wrapped around him, neither wanting to let go, Seb’s head falling onto his shoulder, Mark feeling his breath brushing his neck; the feeling of still being one even after the intensity of the moment had passed. God he could do with some more of that. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing Seb had woken them early?

As Sebastian settled into him with a little sigh Mark smoothed his hands down along to Seb’s waist. Seb folded his arms to rest on Mark’s chest and smiled up at him, making Mark laugh a little at the happy expression on his face.

“And a very merry Christmas to you too darling.”

“Merry Christmas.” Seb laughed. “Why do we say that? You don’t say merry any other time.”

“No. Apart from when you’re a bit drunk,” noted Mark. He laughed. “Actually perhaps that’s why we say it at Christmas.”

“Ha, yeah.” Seb shifted up a fraction. “You know we do have some of that glühwein I made leftover.”

Mark was busy recalling himself from the very distracting sensation of Seb moving against him.

“Hm? Oh, yeah. Bit early in the day for booze sweetheart.”

“I spose.”

“I mean, it’s really very early.” Mark looked to the time. “Barely half five.”

“Mm.”

Mark lifted his head enough to kiss him.

“Mm,” he agreed, stroking his thumbs over Seb’s warm skin.

Sebastian laughed, lowering himself back in, his mind too drifting back to thinking of how they had drunk that glühwein last night and what had come after, which only made him laugh even more.

“Am I that funny?” teased Mark.

“No I just… I was thinking of last night.”

“And this made you laugh? I don’t know whether to be concerned at that.”

Seb pouted.

“Aw Liebling, no.”

Mark raised an eyebrow so Seb leaned in to whisper the train of thought into his ear, Mark laughing too when he heard the words.

“I see.”

“Mm.”

“Well even without the benefit of booze this early we might…” Mark trailed off suggestively.

“Make merry.”

“Indeed.”

Mark sent his hands slowly south thinking that talking was all very nice, but if they weren’t careful at this rate Teddy would be waking up. If they were lucky they might have half an hour…

 

“ _Waaahhh!”_

Both of them sighed, Seb dropping into Mark as Mark let his hands fall away.

“Jinxed us,” huffed Mark.

Sebastian was already crawling off him, thinking it was good they hadn’t got too far. As the pair of them sat up, Mark hauling the duvet off them, Seb turned to him and shrugged.

“He’s probably just excited.”

Mark smiled and shook his head. He was pretty sure that cry from their son sounded exactly the same as it always did; demanding attention and comfort from his parents as Teddy woke up alone and wanted either a nappy change or a bottle or both and above all to _be_ with them.

 

They pulled on pyjamas bottoms and t-shirts, looking for slippers as they dressed.

“Oof it’s cold,” complained Mark.

Sebastian smiled.

“Eternal Aussie.”

“True.”

Mark shivered a little, so Seb found his fluffy dressing gown, placing it over his shoulders for him. Mark turned his head, about to say thanks when the crying from the monitor got louder and they both hurried through to find their son standing in his cot. Teddy stopped crying the moment he saw his parents, reaching out to them and wobbling as he let go of the railings.

“Dada, Papa!”

Sebastian swept him out of the cot and cuddled him in.

“There there Schatz, we’re here. Shh. It’s okay.”

He jigged him in his arms as Teddy squashed his face into his father’s shoulder as if it had felt like they were never coming to rescue him. Mark rubbed over the baby’s back.

“C’mon now mate it’s alright.”

Teddy snuffled for another moment, then put his arms around Seb’s neck.

“Yeah,” smiled Seb giving him a kiss. “That’s better isn’t it? Now, shall we check if you need changing?”

 

Once that was done Teddy seemed to cheer up considerably. Seb passed Teddy to Mark, smiling at the way he buried himself into the soft dressing gown.

“Is Daddy all snuggly Teddy?” he asked, stroking over his blonde hair to tidy it.

“Yeah,” smiled Mark, shifting him up a bit to look at him. “Like a giant teddy-bear.”

Sebastian laughed and ruffled the fluff.

“Dada, Papa and baby bear.”

“Baba bear.”

“Yeah.”

Mark let out a long breath at the drama their son created each morning, then looked to him, ready to reset.

“Right, all okay now bud. Now, goodness me, what’s this that a very stealthy Father Christmas has done? Has he filled your stocking with little pressies?”

Sebastian smiled as Mark took Teddy to look at it, the baby reaching out and making the bell jingle. As he did it again Teddy laughed.

“Aw, see he like it,” declared Seb.

“Yep. Pretty keen.”

Sebastian unhooked the stocking and put it in their son’s hand, keeping hold seeing as it was weighed down with contents. Teddy jerked it about, squealing happily as the bell chimed.

“Loving that aren’t ya mate?” smiled Mark. “Shall we see what’s inside?”

“We should take him through,” prompted Seb.

“Yep.”

 

Returning to their room they sat down on the bed, Mark with Teddy on his knee as Seb showed him the stocking again.

“Do you want to see what Santa has given you Kleiner?”

“Papa.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “Come on Papa, let’s get stuck in.”

Sebastian moved a bit further up so he had space to lay out the presents. First he pulled out a little cube of miniature board books, showing it to Teddy who tried grabbing it before Seb helped by taking the four tiny individual books out.

“Ooh stories,” encouraged Mark. “Little ones to take on our travels. What a good idea.”

“They’ll be handy won’t they,” agreed Seb as Teddy waved one around.

“Yep. Well done Father Christmas for thinking of that.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and nodded. They showed Teddy each little book in turn. He wasn’t quite up to turning the pages properly, but he seemed quite taken with the brightly coloured pictures.

“Probably end up chewing it,” commented Mark.

“Aw, no.”

“Hm. Right, what’s next?”

“No patience,” complained Seb, but he reached into the stocking.

“Oooh a satsuma,” smiled Mark.

“Tangerine.”

“Right, well you might try a little piece later, mightn’t you mate?”

“Dada.”

Teddy dropped the book and tried holding the fruit, but it was rather too large for his grasp, so that too joined the little pile on the duvet. Mark shrugged so Seb ventured in again.

“Ah, now these are sort of for you, and sort of not,” explained Mark as Sebastian offered over the packet of Christmassy dog treats.

“They’re for you to give to Shadow and Simba,” Seb clarified. “We thought you’d enjoy doing that.”

“Though fair warning mate, they will lick your hand.”

Sebastian smiled, knowing Teddy would no doubt enjoy that too.

 

These were also shaken about before Seb took them and placed them down, offering over the stocking so Mark could give Teddy something. Teddy reached to bash the little golden bell.

“Dada!” he exclaimed excitedly.

“Yeah mate, pretty cool. Now, ooh, what’s this?”

He pulled out a squashy fleecy toy snowman, only half a dozen or so inches tall.

“Also handy for our travels,” commented Seb.

“Yep. Gonna have a packed bag aren’t we?”

Mark gave Teddy the toy, both parents smiling as he squeezed it with two hands.

“Squishy,” smiled Mark.

“Do you like it Liebling?” asked Seb as he ducked in. “I thought it was, I mean _Santa_ probably thought it was nice and soft for you to play with.”

“And won’t hurt the dogs if he chucks it at them,” observed Mark.

“Which he’s not going to do.”

“No, course not. Don’t want to be throwing our new little friend anyway do we bud? Hmm?”

“We’ll have to think of a name,” proposed Seb.

Mark laughed.

“Sweetheart it took us about a week to name Teddy. Shall we just stick with Mr Snowman?”

“Snowy?”

“If you like.”

Mark laughed again and looked down to Teddy still considering his toy.

“Squishy squashy Snowy.”

Teddy cuddled the toy in, so they watched him for a while until Mark looked to the stocking.

“Shall we?”

“Oh, yes.”

 

Sebastian reached his hand further down and emerged with one, then another small wooden racing cars, then he slinked his hand towards the foot of the stocking and pulled out another two, setting each on the duvet for Teddy to see. The cars were shaped like 1950s or 1960s classic F1 racers, painted in turn; red, green, blue and yellow, soft bullet noses with no rear wing, the little round-headed drivers wearing painted-on caps and goggles where they poked out from their seats.

“These are cute,” admitted Mark. “Very retro.”

“Yeah,” smiled Seb as he arranged them neatly as if on a starting lane.

Mark smiled back at him. For all Seb’s attempts to avoid pushing racing on their son, he hadn’t been able to resist these when he saw them. Excusing the classic design as being less about current racing and therefore not so much about encouraging him in that direction.

“Now then Teddy who shall we say they are?” wondered Mark.

“The drivers?” responded Seb.

“Yeah. What do we think?”

“Um, well, the red one has to be Fangio obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“Ooh and this one can be Jim Clark,” smiled Seb picking up the green car.

“Excellent. Then… Hmm… what about the yellow one?”

“Bruce McLaren.”

Mark chuckled.

“Wasn’t that car orange?”

“Well we haven’t got an orange one.”

“Okay, yep. Aaand… Hmm,” frowned Mark. “Blue. Oh, it can be you sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Wrong era.”

“No? Oh, well… I can’t think of an old blue one.”

Seb frowned as well.

“I’ll have to look in my books.”

“Yeah. Oh hang on, I know, got it. Jack Brabham.”

“I thought his cars were green too.”

“Oh, well, kinda dark green weren’t they? I’m sure some look blue-ish in your pictures.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Sure. And he’s an Aussie.”

“There is that.”

“Okay, well there we go then Teddy, we know who they are now.”

Seb offered him one of the cars, but Teddy was leaning into Mark so he set it back down.

“Maybe later.”

“Have you gone a bit tired again?” asked Mark.

“Dada.”

“Yeah mate, you were up early.”

Sebastian watched as the baby rubbed his cheek into Mark’s chest.

“Oh, he hasn’t had his morning bottle yet,” he realised.

“Ah.”

“We’ve been getting all carried away Teddybär,” apologised Seb. “I’ll go get it.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

 

Sebastian went to go downstairs leaving Mark with Teddy, so Mark swept the gifts into the centre of the bed before hitching the baby up so they could climb back under the duvet. He sat propped up with the pillows letting Teddy look though his presents while they waited.

Before too long Seb pushed open the door with his foot and Mark looked up to see him balancing a tray in his hands.

“I brought us tea as well,” stated Seb.

Mark smiled.

“Thanks. And some other visitors,” he noted.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder as Shadow and Simba nosed into the room with him.

“It is Christmas Liebling.”

“So it is. Go on then, treats for you guys too.”

Seb brought the tray to set on the side before climbing in with them. The dogs hung around by the bed, looking up at Mark hopefully so he passed Teddy over to Seb and patted the bed covers.

“C’mon, Christmas for you too boys.”

They eagerly hopped up, settling themselves around their legs.

“Good boys,” praised Mark. “Now you just sit still while we have our drinks.”

He waited while Seb settled the baby drinking his milk, then reached for the mugs of tea.

“Can you manage this as well?”

“Um, yeah think so.”

Sebastian juggled things about slightly, then succeeded in finding a way to have a drink at the same time as their son, Mark taking the mug to put back on the side in-between.

“Things we do eh?” he smiled.

“Yep. Ah well.”

 

Mark had removed his dressing gown seeing as they were back in bed, but it was nice and cosy with them all together, the dogs acting like extra hot water bottles as they piled in. Once Teddy had finished his bottle Mark took him to wind him so Seb could properly drink his tea, then all three of them settled back, feeling a little dozy seeing as it wasn’t yet half six in the morning. Seb handed Teddy his new snowman toy and seeing him happy with that he leaned in to Mark who fitted his arm around him.

“We’re in no rush are we?” commented Mark.

“No Liebling,” Seb agreed.

They rested together, Seb thinking how when he was little he had always wanted all his presents as quickly as he could open them, but he knew Teddy was too young to feel that way. Better they take their time.

 

Seeing as Teddy drifted off a little, they stayed where they were until he roused himself and started trying to crawl around the bed with the dogs. Finding the abandoned stocking Teddy picked it up and on hearing the bell ring started shaking it to make it do it again.

“Yep, very good Teddy,” commented Mark abstractly.

Teddy shook the stocking as violently as he could, making even the dogs jump a little as he jingled the bell furiously.

“Yeah okay, think that’s enough.”

Mark tried to reach to take it away, but the baby snatched it back, bouncing where he sat on the bed as he made the chiming noise as loud as possible.

“He really likes it,” noted Seb.

“Hmm. Not sure I’m so wild about it.”

Sebastian would have called his husband a spoil-sport, but the bell was starting to get on his nerves as well now.

“Okay we’ve done the stocking now,” he tried, attempting to take it from him.

“Papa!” scowled Teddy, tugging back.

Sighing Seb tried again, but now Teddy crawled away, dragging the stocking to sit and shake it again out of reach.

“Ee Teddy,” sighed Mark. “C’mon now.”

As he shuffled forwards to pull both their son and his stocking inwards Teddy wriggled to try to escape, then shook the bell so much that he accidentally flung the stocking onto the floor.

“Right, well there we go,” decided Mark as he scooped him up, Teddy pulling to the side in search of his lost toy.

“No you don’t sunshine.”

“Shall we get up and have breakfast?” proposed Sebastian.

“Yeah guess so,” Mark agreed as he offered Teddy his toy snowman instead.

“We’ve got chocolat au pain,” reminded Seb, wanting to distract him from Teddy being difficult. “I’ll warm them in the oven.”

“Oof that sounds good.”

“Very naughty.”

Mark laughed and kissed his cheek as they stood from the bed, looking for dressing gowns rather than getting changed.

“Naughty, but nice.” He gave Seb a wink. “No calories on Christmas Day.”

“Ha, like birthdays.”

“Exactly.” Mark hitched Teddy up. “Right come on young man. No pastries for you but we’ll find you something tasty.”

That stocking was staying where it lay, safely out of Teddy’s reach.

 

After eating and clearing away, Mark remembered the treats they had bought for Teddy to give the dogs, so he nipped back upstairs, collecting up the stocking gifts and ditching them in the lounge before bringing the packet through and handing it to Teddy who was sat with Seb on the floor with Shadow and Simba who had made short work of their own breakfast (and indeed any spill over from Teddy’s).

“Right Teddy, do you want to give the boys your present?” he suggested.

“Dada.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh as Mark put the packet in their son’s hand, only for him to look curiously at it before dropping it.

“I think if we open the packet?” he hinted.

“Right.”

Mark picked them up and tore the packet open before putting his hand under Teddy’s to get him to hold the palm face up. Then he tipped a couple of bite-sized treats out onto it.

“Okay sweetheart so these are your little present to Shadow and Simba.”

Teddy furrowed his little brow and Mark smiled, noting that though the dogs had plainly sniffed in the direction of the food on offer they were restraining themselves from diving in. Seb could see the same. There was still a tiny part of him that was reticent about them encouraging their son to put his hand at the dogs’ mouths, but they were so clearly waiting for permission he couldn't deny that they were on their best behaviour. Also the treats were all Christmas shaped which amused him, so it would be churlish to deny this.

“So boys, these are for you from Teddy. Just one at a time I think.”

Sebastian stroked over Simba’s back, giving him a push to lie down so Shadow was the only one allowed to snuffle into Teddy’s hand. The dog sniffed the treats again, then carefully gobbled them up, Teddy giggling and practically shivering with excitement at being allowed to feed them. As Shadow predictably licked his long wet tongue over Teddy’s hand the baby squealed and flung himself into Mark.

“Ha, sensation overload is it?” teased Mark.

“Dada.”

“Yeah. You wanna try again? Shall we give some to Simba?”

He stood the baby back up and went through the same procedure, Seb getting Shadow to sit with him now. This time the baby was slower to pull his hand away and Seb was glad to see that the dogs didn’t chase after the nice taste, but obediently waited each time as they let their son have a few goes until Mark decided that the dogs had had enough.

“Save some for later,” decided Mark as he rolled the packet closed and sealed it with the handy sticker. He gave the dogs a stroke as they both sat with them. “Good boys. Very good with Teddy aren’t you?”

Sebastian gave the dogs a rub as well, then went to find some sanitising wipes to clean Teddy’s hands.

“We should go and open your family’s presents so we can ring them,” he prompted.

Mark looked up at the clock on the kitchen wall and nodded as he worked out the time difference. Nine am here was eight pm there so Seb was right that they ought not to leave it too late.

 

 

Reconvening in the lounge they sat by the tree once more, Teddy now sat in Seb’s lap as Mark retrieved those gifts sent by his family, smiling as he noted that they had been helpfully gathered together by Sebastian the day before.

“Okay then,” he began. “Best start with you kiddo. This one is from your granddad and grandma.”

Seb helped Teddy open the gift, then placed the large hardback book he found in his hands.

“Oh that’s nice.”

Mark leaned in to look and chuckled to see that his parents had sent a collection of illustrated traditional Australian tales for children.

“Want you to be a proper little Aussie mate.”

Sebastian was flicking through the pages to show their son.

“The pictures are lovely.”

Mark looked at the bold watercolour designs, full of rich oranges and browns, bright blues and bold yellows that spoke of his homeland.

“Very nice,” he agreed as Seb showed Teddy a picture of a koala clinging to a eucalyptus tree.

“What’s a billabong again?” Seb enquired.

Mark chuckled and stroked Teddy’s cheek as he saw how the little boy was drawn to the strong colours.

“It’s a sortof lake.”

“Ah okay.”

“And that’s a wombat,” Mark informed their son as he pawed at another picture. “And a kookaburra, like in the song.”

Mark smiled as they flicked through the pages, Seb admiring the examples of aboriginal art while Teddy seemed intrigued by the animals.

“There’s a croc mate, better not put your fingers too close or, snap!”

Teddy squealed as Mark pretended to ‘bite’ his hand with his own made into crocodile ‘jaws’. He grinned at him as he chased at him while the baby wriggled about.

“Mm, tasty Teddy.”

“Aw.”

“Ah he loves it. Dontcha mate? Hm?”

He stroked Teddy’s cheek instead and as Seb glanced back to the illustrations he had an idea.

“Ooh Liebling is there a zoo anywhere near Queanbeyan?”

“Hm? Oh well yeah, there’s one in Canberra.”

“Is it far?”

“Nah it’s about half an hour or so away. For Australia that’s basically on your doorstep.”

“Could we do a trip while we’re there do you think?”

“Yeah. That’s a cracking idea,” concurred Mark. “Reckon you’d love that Teddy. Hm? Go see the crocs and kangaroos.”

Sebastian beamed.

“Oh Liebling I think he’d love kangaroos.”

“I’ll bet he will. Like Roo in your stories.” Mark smiled in at their son, already anticipating how much fun it would be to show him round. “Not been there since I was a kid I don’t think. Ha, yeah Mum and Dad will want to come with us for that.”

“We can have a family trip.”

“Sure. Yeah I’ll check that all out. Great idea sweetheart.”

 

As they reached the end of the book Mark took it and placed it to one side, reflecting that it had been a clever gift from his parents, giving him a good opening to talk to his son to explain where he came from to give Teddy some connection and understanding of where his father had grown up. He looked at the cover again, then saw the way Seb was smiling at him.

“Okay?”

“Yeah I’m good Liebling. That’s a lovely present.”

“Yep.” Mark looked to Teddy. “Now Grandma and Granddad will have birthday presents for you as well when we’re out there.”

“He’s already going to have loads,” commented Seb.

“True. No need to go overboard,” agreed Mark. “Now, this one is from your Auntie Leanne and Uncle Dean.”

Sebastian helped take the large squashy parcel, placing it on Teddy’s knee to open it. Teddy helped rip the paper, appearing to enjoy the experience more than showing any immediate interest in the contents. Mark reached to see what it was, lifting out a sunhat with neck cover, mini board shorts and t-shirt as well as what looked like a tiny short sleeved and legged wetsuit, but was actually baby swim-wear designed to block out the worst of the sun’s rays.

“These will be useful,” smiled Seb.

“Yep. Think my folks are staking a claim.”

“Hm?”

“A little Aussie. You’ll be all decked out good to go won’t you Teddy?”

“It’s very thoughtful.”

“Certainly is. All he needs are some jellies and factor fifty sunscreen and we’re all set.”

“Jellies?”

“Jelly shoes. Like, sort of plastic sandals for going in the sea.”

“Oh I see. So they can get wet.”

“Yep, anyway, you’re right, this’ll all be very useful.”

Mark held the items to show Teddy, though they excited somewhat less interest in the baby than the book had, so he neatly piled them to one side, making a mental note to be sure they all came out to Australia when they packed later in the week.

 

“There’s one from his cousins too,” encouraged Seb, remembering what he had organised.

“Uh-huh.” Mark checked the labels and passed an oddly shaped parcel to Teddy. “Here you are. Last one for now.”

He helped Teddy open this one, both Mark and Seb laughing as they saw what it was.

“Ha, nice, they must have read our minds,” smiled Mark.

“It’s Roo Teddybär,” explained Sebastian as he put it in his hands.

“Actually it’s Kanga,” contradicted Mark, noting the bulging pouch at the front of the felt soft toy. He reached in and sure enough, tucked inside was another tinier kangaroo, barely more than three inches tall. “Aw, okay now that _is_ cute.”

“It’s got a baby!” Seb exclaimed. “Oh look Teddy.”

As Teddy held the mother kangaroo, Mark hopped the baby one along to it to amuse him.

“Mama and baba roos,” he informed him.

Sebastian peered at it.

“It’s not too small is it?”

“Hm?”

“For Teddy.”

“What’s he gonna do, eat it?”

“Well I’m pretty sure he’ll stick it in his mouth.”

Mark pulled a face.

“He’d be doing well to do more than nibble.”

Sebastian was looking for a label to check so Mark tugged at the toy’s ears and tail.

“Not gonna come off,” he advised. “I’m sure they checked it was safe before buying. This is via Leanne after all.”

 

Sebastian relaxed a little at that, knowing his sister-in-law was well versed in such things having children of her own.

“Course.”

Mark pulled at the bigger kangaroo’s tail as well.

“Very firmly stitched on,” he pronounced.

“Don’t do that Liebling.”

“Hm?”

“It’ll hurt her.”

Mark burst out laughing, but Seb couldn't help pouting, feeling as though it was true, so Mark leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“Sorry darling. And sorry Kanga and little Roo, my bad.”

He stroked the toy tail, then looked to Teddy.

“You’ll take good care of them won’t you mate? Hm? Kanga and Roo, be your little friends.”

“Ka,” echoed the baby.

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian looked at the kind gifts and thought how no doubt they would end up taking all of them out to Australia with them. Mark’s family could have far easily given their presents when they got there, but he understood why they wanted Teddy to have his things on Christmas Day.

 

“They got us things as well,” pointed out Seb.

Mark nodded. He tucked the baby kangaroo back in its mother’s pouch so it wasn’t lost and they let Teddy play with his toy as he and Seb opened their presents. From Leanne and her family they received a straight-forward selection of mostly books and DVDs that Mark had given her some hints about, but when they came to his parents presents the pair of them sat with similarly large parcels containing something soft that Mark guessed had to be clothing of some description. All the gifts from his family in Australia had come shipped in a large box that had arrived over a week ago, no doubt organised by his mother.

As Teddy sat beside them, contentedly occupied with a few of his toys, Mark smiled over at Seb.

“I’m gonna guess there’s some theme here.”

Sebastian turned his wrapped parcel over, looking for where it was sealed with sellotape rather than rip it open.

“Something else Aussie?” he wondered.

Mark huffed a laugh, thinking he genuinely had no idea what that might constitute if it was clothing.

“Cork hats for the pair of us.”

“Tsk, it’s not hats.”

“Let’s find out then.”

 

They both began to open their gifts, seeing pretty quickly that they were knitted items. Mark thought for a moment that his could be a woolly hat and scarf, but then Seb who was faster at unwrapping presents (as indeed he was at wrapping them) lifted his out and held up a jumper, beaming as he examined it.

“Ha, look!”

He turned the jumper around to show Mark the front; It was deep red knit with a band of white snowflakes high across the chest with a Nordic style design surrounding it continuing onto the sleeves. Mark looked at it and could only smile with him.

“A Christmas jumper.”

“Have you got the same?” asked Seb enthusiastically.

Mark laughed and pulled out his; a not dissimilar dark blue version, the snowflakes somewhat smaller though and with a geometric pattern by the cuffs and bottom of the jumper.

“Oh Liebling how nice.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian frowned.

“Don’t you like it?”

“No it’s… very nice.”

Seb pouted.

“I like them. I think they’re… jolly.”

Mark laughed and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“Quite right darling. I’m being a stuffed shirt.”

“They’re only sort of Christmas jumpers. They’re more traditional.”

“Absolutely.”

“Will you feel silly if you wear it?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“They’re very trendy you know Liebling.”

“Am I hip enough to wear it do you think?”

Sebastian laughed.

“I’m not sure anyone says ‘hip’.”

“No?”

“Not for you know, thirty years or so.”

 

Mark guffawed and Seb laughed with him, the noise so surprising to Teddy beside them that he flinched and Mark had to lift him into his lap to reassure him.

“Sorry mate, Papa’s teasing Daddy for not being cool.”

“Aw only a little bit.”

Mark gave him a wink.

“Only a little bit. Too right darling.”

“We could be _hip_ sters,” offered Seb, “but we’d have to grow proper beards and live on organic wheatgrass smoothies or something.”

“Hmm,” smiled Mark dubiously.

“Also grow our hair and wear it in a bun.”

“Okay sweetheart I draw the line at that.”

Sebastian laughed and picked up his jumper again.

“I think they’re great.”

Mark examined his again, then looked at Seb.

“Did you suggest this to my mum?”

“Me? No.”

Mark nodded.

“Guess she just thought it appropriate.”

“It is appropriate.”

“Absolutely.”

“Will you wear it then?”

“Today? Sure.”

“They’re not _too_ matchy-matchy.”

Mark nodded. He didn’t think he might be too keen for them both to wear them in public. Jenson or DC would die laughing, but then his friends weren’t here.

“Very stylish,” he agreed. “We’ll have to put them on later.”

Sebastian smiled. He had teased Mark any number of times about them wearing something Christmassy as well as Teddy, but now his parents had done it for him.

 

 

They were all still in their pyjamas when they made the calls to Mark’s family; first talking to his parents, exchanging more thanks for presents and discussing about when they would be out to stay with them at the end of the week.

“So Seb had a great idea,” brought up Mark, “suggesting we could go to the zoo when we’re with you.”

“Oh yes,” beamed his mother. “What a lovely idea.”

“I suppose he’s big enough to appreciate something like that now,” commented Alan.

“Yeah he loves animals.”

“You get so excited if we see the horsies go past the house, don’t you Teddy?” stated Seb.

Mark smiled.

“Yeah, we have to go stand by the gate so you can have a proper look don’t we?”

“Aw.”

Diane gazed at her grandson, wishing as always that she could spend more time with him. She sighed and Mark hoped she wasn’t about to say that they should have gone out to them for Christmas.

“So, that should be fun right?” he offered brightly.

“Yes,” nodded his mother.

“And the book you got him is lovely,” praised Seb.

“Oh, I’m glad you like it. You always say Teddy likes being read to.”

“It’s really nice Mum,” thanked Mark. “Oh, and Dad.”

His father laughed.

“No that was your mother.”

“And the jumpers,” continued Mark. “Very thoughtful.”

His father laughed at the slight note of ambivalence in his voice.

“You’re always saying how cold it is,” explained Diane.

“Yes.”

“They’re great,” smiled Sebastian, sending Mark a smile. “I’ve been saying I’d get him in a Christmas jumper.”

“Hmm.”

“I thought they were quite subtle,” justified Diane.

“Ah no Mum they are,” assured Mark, not wanting to sound ungrateful.

“I said we should’ve got you one with giant knitted Santas on,” teased Alan.

“Ha, cheers.”

“And I said these were much more practical,” argued Diane. “They don’t even have to be for Christmas, you could really wear these any time.”

“What a good thought,” smiled Sebastian.

Mark chuckled, knowing he should indeed be grateful that his parents, and indeed Seb, hadn’t tried to get him to wear some of the distinctly less subtle Christmas jumpers he knew were out there. Seb had teased him about them only last week when they had seen some in town, so by comparison, these really were fine.

 

Once they were done talking to his parents, they pretty much just redialled straight-away to get his sister and her family. As Sebastian told them how Teddy had enjoyed getting his stocking, Mark laughed dryly.

“A little too much.”

“Oh?” frowned Leanne.

Sebastian stroked over Teddy’s arm where he sat in his lap.

“He just got a little excited about the bell.”

“A bell?

“Mm. On the stocking.”

Mark shook his head at Teddy.

“Making a right din with it.”

Those gathered on the other end of the call laughed at his complaint, Dean shaking his head.

“Mate never give a kid a noisy toy you can’t take the battery out of,” he advised.

Leanne tsk’d and gave her husband a look, but Mark laughed.

“Top tip mate, cheers.”

“You never did that to us did you Dad?” asked Jemma.

“Um.”

“Hey Teddy loves your kangaroo guys,” pointed out Seb changing the subject.

The girls tried peering in at the baby.

“He’s so cute.”

“Well hopefully you’ll have lots of time to play when we come over,” assured Mark.

“So Mum’s planning the barbecue for Sunday,” reminded Leanne.

Mark chuckled.

“Yeah we’re probably not gonna forget that seeing as it’s his birthday.”

“Oh of course. I don’t know why I keep forgetting. Sorry, not that it’s his birthday, just that it’s the same as New Year’s Day.”

“Nah that’s alright.”

“We got him presents,” piped up Ryan.

“That’s very kind,” Seb replied. “You don’t need to do too much though. He’s really getting spoiled at the moment.”

“Ah, Christmas and his birthday, you’re meant to spoil him,” assured Dean.

Mark chubbed Teddy’s cheek.

“Just a bit. Anyway we’re very grateful for all your presents.”

“Very kind,” chimed Seb.

“And likewise,” replied Leanne. “The girls love their charm bracelets don’t you?”

 

Getting affirmatives, they all took some time to thank each another for their gifts once more. Mark and Seb asking how they had enjoyed their day, though they largely knew, seeing as they had already spoken to Mark’s parents who had been over at theirs for dinner and most of the afternoon.

“So what are your plans?” enquired Leanne.

Mark looked down at himself.

“Well get dressed for starters.”

“Ha, yes.”

“It is only a bit after nine am here,” justified Seb.

Leanne smiled to him.

“Nice to be able to take your time for once.”

“We will get dressed after this.”

“I’m sure.”

“We haven’t really got major plans,” admitted Mark. “Just let Teddy play with his toys, make lunch, have lunch, and take the boys out I guess.”

“Are they there?” asked Ryan.

“Hm? Yeah.” Mark held the phone further away to show the dogs lying near them. “Being lazy like we are today.”

He smiled as Ryan waved to the dogs.

“Shame you can’t bring them when you come out,” commented Dean.

“Yeah. Ah well…”

“Never mind,” breezed Leanne.

“What about you?” asked Seb. “Are you just pretty much going to bed now.”

Leanne laughed.

“It’s not quite that late.”

“Oh sorry.”

“Though frankly not the worst idea,” added her husband.

“Ah you’re not going to bed Dad,” asserted Abbey.

“We’re going to watch a film,” explained Ryan. “We haven’t picked yet but we’ve got quite a few new DVDs, so I reckon one of mine.”

“Course you do,” commented his sister, rolling her eyes.

“Well that sounds nice,” pacified Seb.

“I bet that’s what we’ll do,” Mark added. “We like to just chill out with a film don’t we sweetheart?”

“Yeah.”

“Well we should go,” decided Leanne, “Otherwise it will be getting on here.”

“And we can finally get dressed,” smiled Mark.

“Quite.”

“Ooh what are you putting Teddy in today?” asked Jemma.

“Ha, got a few to choose from,” Mark admitted.

Sebastian smiled down at Teddy. He already had something in mind.

“Send us a picture,” instructed Leanne.

“We will.”

“Yep,” agreed Mark. “Right, bye then folks. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

“And thanks again for your presents,” added Seb.

With more thanks and goodbyes, they hung up, Teddy this time occupied enough by holding his toy not to interfere.

“Right, c’mon then,” encouraged Mark. “Better finally go get dressed.”

Sebastian stood holding Teddy, then ducked back down to pass Mark the jumpers.

“We’ll need these.”

“So we will,” smiled Mark.

 

They put Teddy back in his cot while they quickly showered and dressed. Mark stood wearing jeans and t-shirt, looking over to Seb who was already straightening his jumper. He smiled and picked his own up to put it on. That done Sebastian came over and kissed his cheek.

“I think you look very nice Liebling.”

“Thanks, you too.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Life’s too short not to wear Christmas jumpers.”

Sebastian nodded and smiled, making Mark think how that really was true and how in so many ways Seb helped him embrace life. That was a gift in itself. He smiled back to him and kissed Seb, then as a noise came from the monitor they both knew someone else needed dressing. Someone who had even less say in what he wore.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dum-de-dum delightful…
> 
>  
> 
> (And if you get the full reference, bravo ;) )


	245. Traditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fa-la-la la-la, la-la la, lahh! ;)

 

* * *

  


 

Mark could only laugh as they stood in the nursery, Seb showing the options they had for Teddy to wear on Christmas Day. He hitched Teddy up in his arms and nodded to Seb.

“Has to be the Christmas pudding one.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. When else is he gonna wear it?”

“There is that.” Sebastian picked up the little brown onesie and stroked over the fleecy material. “It is nice and warm.”

“Exactly.” Mark smiled to Teddy. “Gonna look pretty special kiddo.”

Sebastian set out the outfit on the changing table and Mark laid the baby down to help put him in it. As Seb lifted him up to stand Mark nodded approval. There was no denying how cute their son looked in the rather baggy little costume, brown fleece body topped with a wavy white part at the shoulders like poured cream.

“It’s got a little hat too,” pointed out Seb.

“Course it does,” smiled Mark. 

Sebastian fitted the little cream cap on Teddy’s head, complete with felt holly sprigs.

“Aw he looks perfect!” he exclaimed.

“Better get a pic then hadn’t we?” encouraged Mark.

“By the tree.”

“Right.”

  


Once downstairs Mark took a picture of Teddy, stood in front of the tree holding one hand onto one of the fake box ‘presents’ to help him stay upright. He managed to get one of him looking to camera, but as Mark checked the pictures he thought one where Teddy was looking up at the tree was perhaps nicer; their son fascinated as ever by all the sparkling lights and shiny decorations. As Teddy wobbled and sat down with a bump Seb went to help him up again.

“We should get a selfie,” proposed Seb.

“So we should,” Mark agreed.

He found a way to take a picture of the three of them, him and Seb sat either side of Teddy who stood holding their shoulders. Then Mark beckoned the dogs over and they managed to get a wider family shot, Teddy now sat on both of his parents’ knees as they squashed in. He’d predictably pulled the little hat off a couple of times so Mark picked it back up to try to replace it, but Seb shook his head.

“I don’t think he’s comfortable in it.”

“Okay.” Mark gave Teddy a wink. “You get a reprieve mate.”

“Da.”

“Yep.”

  


They let Teddy crawl away while Mark sent the photograph to their relatives. Seb sending a follow up to his dad to say they would call them later. The baby mostly played with his soft toys and the toy fire engine he had taken a shine to, but he left the toy cars from his stocking, so Mark began idly pushing them around the carpet, smiling as Seb caught him making two of them race, one car in each hand. Rather than tease him though Sebastian took the other two cars and knelt beside him.

“Shouldn’t you have the Antipodean ones?” commented Seb.

“Hm?”

“The Australasian drivers and I can have the European ones.”

“Ah yes, quite right darling.” Mark switched so he had the yellow as well as the blue car. “Old world versus the new.”

“Ha, you’re on.”

 

They lined the cars up together, Seb saying ‘Go!’ before they crawled around the floor making up the imaginary track as they went, both of them enjoying pushing the little toy cars and laughing as they took turns adding a little commentary. As they came around back to where they had started Seb veered one car into the path of Mark’s two and pushed the other ahead.

“Aha, I win!”

“What? No. That’s cheating.”

“That’s racing.”

Mark narrowed his eyes at Seb who smiled triumphantly.

“I demand an enquiry. Stewards, where are the stewards?” demanded Mark.

“Who are the stewards?”

“Shadow and Simba, obviously.”

“Obviously,” smiled Seb.

 

They looked over to the dogs who were lying on the floor near Teddy who sat watching his parents with a contemplative expression on his face that made both of them sit back a little.

“I think we’re being judged,” noted Mark.

“Oh dear. Not sure we’re being a good example. Sorry Liebling.”

“Nah’s alright.”

Sebastian leaned to kiss Mark’s cheek.

“I was a bit naughty,” he confessed.

“You can just have a grid penalty for next time.”

“Ha, thanks.”

 

The pair of them went over to be closer to Teddy, sitting by him as he sat with his toys.

“I’m afraid Daddy and Papa are bit competitive mate,” advised Mark.

Sebastian picked up the snowman toy to dance in front of their son.

“Maybe you’re better playing with Snowy Kleiner.”

“Maybe,” agreed Mark. 

“We should make a start sorting out lunch,” Seb noted.

Mark checked his watch. It was much earlier than they usually would, but Christmas dinner was a more complex meal than normal, even if it was really only a fancy Sunday lunch.

“Yep,” he agreed. “C’mere l’il puddin’.”

He scooped up Teddy, then grinned at him as they walked through into the kitchen pretending to chomp at his arm as he set him in the high-chair.

“Yummy pudding,” teased Mark. “Nom nom nom.”

Sebastian was about to tick him off, but as Mark made pretend biting noises towards their son Teddy giggled and squirmed about, clearly enjoying it as his father tickled him as well. Seb shook his head and stroked Teddy’s head.

“Poor little Teddybär.”

“Yeah rotten Daddy,” agreed Mark amending his actions to kiss the top of Teddy’s head instead. He stood up and looked to Seb as Teddy seemed happy hanging onto his snowman toy. “Right sweetheart, what do we need to do?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Am I in charge?”

Mark shrugged.

“You’re pretty much in charge of Christmas as far as I’m concerned.”

 

Sebastian smiled, not knowing  what to say to that. He took a deep breath and turned to the fridge, Mark taking his lead and going with him. They started taking things out and setting them on the counter, keeping an eye on Teddy as they did so.

“We need to sort the turkey first, then I guess potatoes and umm…”

“Veggies,” suggested Mark.

“Right and all the little extra thingies and just see when everything needs to go in.”

“Gotcha.”

Seb was busily opening a recipe book to look for guidance while Mark simply read the packaging on the bird.

“Pretty straight-forward,” he decreed.

“Uh-huh,” replied Seb destractedly still reading.

Mark smiled, knowing Seb was in danger of stressing himself over making the meal perfect when all that mattered was that the food was cooked and they enjoyed eating it.

“Shall I put the radio on?” he proposed. “Find some Christmas tunes.”

“Sure.”

Mark switched it on, offering Seb a choice of cathedral choirs singing carols or Christmas pop tunes as he flicked through stations.

“Traditional or cheery?” he asked, going between the two.

“Cheery,” replied Seb already switching the oven on to warm up. 

“Right you are then.” 

  


They set to work, preparing all that they could and getting the turkey in to cook to make sure it was properly done through as Seb was concerned that he might under-do it and accidentally give them all food poisoning. Seeing as they agreed that there were indeed no calories on Christmas Day, they had potatoes to do as both roast and mash, vegetables of all descriptions, including despite Mark’s protests, sprouts, seeing as Sebastian had read that they were traditional, teeny-weeny sausages which they had cheated at by buying ready wrapped in bacon, gravy to make, and stuffing which Seb had found a number of recipes for, then bought freeze-dried in a packet because Mark had argued that life was too short.

Once they had it all either cooking or prepared ready to go they made tea and sat down at the table with Teddy to regather themselves.

“Do you want one of Pauline’s mince pies?” offered Mark.

“Um.”

“Tis Christmas.”

“Go on then, if you are.”

Mark smiled and looked in the tin, offering one to Seb before sitting and eating his. It did feel naughty, but then she had gone to all the trouble of making them, so it was rude not to really. Seb had given Teddy a sippy-cup of his milk as they were trying letting him do more for himself, so all three of them sat peacefully having a drink and catching their breath, the dogs doing the same as they had a rest in their baskets. Then as Teddy tried to finish his milk he struggled tipping the cup high enough and dropped it onto the floor, instantly bursting into tears.

“Oh dear.”

As Mark retrieved the cup Seb lifted Teddy out.

“I think he needs a nap.”

“Yeah.” 

Mark looked at the time, despite it seeming a long morning it was only getting on for eleven am.

“I’ll take him up,” volunteered Seb.

  


He took the crying baby out, Mark watching them go before setting about clearing up the bit of spilt milk, only then realising that there was a joke he should have made there. Not that Teddy would have appreciated it. That done he rinsed out the mugs and turned around. Seb hadn’t returned, so he decided to go up and check on them, finding his husband jigging Teddy in his arms as he looked out of the nursery window.

“Probably best if you just put him down,” advised Mark.

Sebastian sighed.

“I know.”

Mark nodded, not wanting to argue on today of all days. Sebastian stroked Teddy’s back for another moment, then put him in his cot. The baby didn’t fight it, though he sat rather than lying down.

“Have a little sleep,” instructed Mark.

“Bit over-excited today I think,” observed Seb.

“Probably.” Mark sent him a smile. “Not the only one.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, then reached to put the mobile on and stood away from the cot. Seeing Teddy still watching him he gave him a little wave.

“Bye for now Kleiner. Papa and Daddy will just be downstairs getting things ready.”

“What do we need to get ready?”

“The dining room.”

“Ah, right. Yeah. Have a sleep while we do that kiddo.”

“Bye,” waved Seb again.

Teddy pouted at them, but as Seb waved at him, he waved back.

“ _Bye.”_

 

Mark and Seb’s eyes widened, then they turned to each other before looking back to the baby.

“Oh my god,” exclaimed Seb.

“Ha, yeah, wow.” Mark ducked to be level with Teddy. “Bye. Bye little mate.”

“Bye,” waved Teddy.

Sebastian bit his lip and did the same thing again, getting the baby to repeat both the action and saying the word. Then he turned to Mark.

“I think I’m gonna cry.”

Mark smiled and put his arm around him.

“An extra Christmas present. Right. Bye Teddy, we’ll let you nap now.”

“Bye Liebling.”

“ _Bye.”_

 

Sebastian dragged himself out of the room, wanting to stay talking to their son all morning, but he did need to get some rest. Once the nursery door was shut he took a deep breath and Mark gave him a hug.

“You alright sweetheart?”

“Oh. I just…”

“Yeah.”

“Isn’t it a bit sad that he says bye as his first word?”

Mark frowned.

“Why? We’ve been saying it to our folks all morning, and yours last night. He’s repeating what he hears.”

“Yes but…” Sebastian sighed. “He must spend so much more time on calls saying goodbye than other babies.”

“Do you think?” 

Mark looked at him, then he realised what Seb was really getting at was that Teddy had spent a fair bit of time saying goodbye to  _Seb_ when they called him when he was away racing alone, or more accurately, Seb had said bye to Teddy too many times. He sighed and stroked Seb’s arm.

“I don’t think it means he’s sad darling. It’s just an easy word to pronounce. Hi and bye, bet loads of kids say them first.”

“I suppose.”

“We’ll teach him to say hi,” asserted Mark. “He must hear that just as often.”

“I guess.” 

Sebastian thought about it. You tended to repeat the word bye when you didn’t with hi so often, maybe that explained it.

“Just good he’s said it, right?” prompted Mark.

“Yeah,” nodded Seb. “Really good.”

“And waving.”

“He kind of did that already.”

“Mm, sort of. Anyway, all good.”

 

Seb took another deep breath and they headed down.

“So, we’re eating in the dining room?” checked Mark.

“I thought we’d said.”

“No that’s fine.”

“I bought a table cloth.”

“Did you?”

“A Christmas one.”

Mark smiled. Of course Seb had. Another online purchase no doubt.

“Right. We’d better go make it look nice in there then hadn’t we?”

  


 

They had nearly an hour to themselves to do all they wanted to checking on the food cooking while Mark let Seb take charge of setting up the dining room as he wanted while he brought the high-chair through, setting it on a towel seeing as they didn’t want to ruin the carpet in there. Mark smiled as Sebastian considered the layout on the table, then tweaked where the crackers were set out.

“What?” challenged Seb.

“Nothing. It all looks great.”

“But?”

Mark shrugged.

“I was just thinking Teddy might have some difficulty pulling a cracker.”

“Oh. Well we can help him.”

“Sure.”

“Are the bangs really loud?” worried Seb.

“I dunno.”

“Didn’t you say you had them in Australia?”

“Well yeah, but I don’t know how loud _these_ crackers will be.”

“Oh. Yeah I suppose.”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine. It’s just a little snap.”

“Right, okay.”

“Just a tiny bit of gunpowder.”

“Gunpowder?” 

Mark laughed.

“What did you think it had to make a bang?”

“Well, not gunpowder. I… well, I don’t know what I thought,” admitted Seb. “How does it work?”

Mark smiled at Seb always wanting to dig in and understand the workings.

“I’ll show you when we’ve pulled one.”

“Okay.”

There came a noise on the monitor set on the sideboard, then a louder murmur before…

“Papa, Dada!”

“We’re up,” noted Mark.

“Yeah. Oh I need to check the turkey.”

“I’ll get him.”

Mark went off up the stairs thinking Seb could very well have checked the turkey two minutes later, but he was working to a schedule and it didn’t really require two of them to collect their woken son.

  


 

Once they’d checked all was going well with the cooking and Teddy had been satisfied by a snack, they took the dogs out for some fresh air seeing as the kitchen was getting rather steamed up. Perhaps as a result of having been in the warm kitchen, outside it felt colder than ever. Frost lingered on the ground and small puddles remained frozen where Shadow and Simba usually liked to splash through them. The day felt too busy to sit around at the top of the hill, so instead they stuck to the route through the fields, only going far enough to give themselves and the dogs a decent bit of exercise before heading back.

On returning they set the rest of the vegetables to cook, then went to make a quick call to Seb’s family before assembling their meal, ferrying dishes through to the dining room and setting everything out. As Mark brought through the turkey Seb surveyed the table and laughed.

“Oh dear, I think I’m turning into my mother.”

“Huh?” frowned Mark.

“We’ve got enough food here to feed about a dozen people.”

Mark smiled. It was a slight exaggeration, but they certainly weren’t about to go hungry.

“Well I think it looks great.”

“Oh it does.” Sebastian nodded. “Yeah, it does look nice.”

“We can eat up all the leftovers.”

“Sure.”

“We gonna get stuck in then?” prompted Mark. 

“Yep.”

 

They started helping themselves and each other, Seb a little relieved to find that the turkey really was properly cooked through despite him repeatedly checking it. They served up Teddy a simpler version of the same meal, letting him try to feed himself plain potatoes and vegetables with chopped up bits of turkey, only some of which wound up being snaffled by the dogs positioned by his chair waiting for his dropped offerings. They’d started eating by the time Mark remembered the crackers, lifting his up and offering it to Seb.

“So, um, what do we do?” asked Seb.

Mark laughed.

“Pull it. Look.”

He showed him where was best to hold at the ends, then Seb picked his up so they could do them both, one in each hand. Then they pulled, Sebastian surprised to find it took quite a tug. Then there was a sudden  _bang_ as he and Mark were rocked back into their chairs. As the contents of the ripped apart crackers fell out onto the table Teddy’s bottom lip wobbled and he started crying.

“Oh no.”

“Hey,” soothed Mark, rubbing Teddy’s arm. “It’s alright sweetheart, just bang.”

Teddy took a few short breaths, then as both parents leaned in to reassure him he calmed down again. Mark looked to Seb and puffed a breath.

“Bit louder than I anticipated to be honest.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t have done both together.”

“Mm, ah well. Alright now, aren’t you kiddo?”

Sebastian dried his son’s eyes with a napkin, then stroked his cheek, feeling a little guilty that he had bought these when they had upset him.

“Papa.”

“Yeah I know. Big bang. Gone away now Teddy.”

“Tell you what mate,” offered Mark. “Why don’t we just open yours up eh?”

He picked up Teddy’s cracker and unfurled the twisted part at one end, pulling out the contents to see if they were suitable. There was the standard bad joke and a yellow tissue paper crown as well as a miniature photoframe.

“Not sure that’s a toy for you Teddy, but let’s try this for size.”

 

Mark put the paper hat on Teddy’s hat and both parents smiled at how it instantly slipped down seeing as it was way too big. Mark tried again, tucking it behind his ears and it stayed reasonably well in place long enough for Seb to offer Teddy the paper cracker to hold.

“Shiny Teddybär,” he pointed out.

Teddy waved the cracker about, seeming cheered up by it and Mark laughed, taking out his phone to snap a picture, the paper crown unfortunately slipping down at the moment he took it so it covered one eye in the shot.

“Oh dear, let’s sort that for you mate,” offered Mark as he set it right, folding it in at the back to better fit him.

Sebastian began to look at the contents of their crackers that they had ignored, offering Mark a red paper crown as he took a green one.

“We wearing these then?” smiled Mark.

“It’s traditional,” Seb insisted.

“Course.”

 

Mark chuckled, thinking what a picture they would make if anyone else could see them, but there was only them here and there was no harm in being silly, so they read the jokes and groaned at how terrible they were.

“Are they always that bad?” asked Seb.

“Yep. That’s basically the point I think. I guess you laugh at how daft they are. Ha, and how daft we are.”

“Do I look daft then?”

Mark looked at him in his Christmas jumper and paper hat as if taking his time coming to conclusion, then nodded.

“Fraid so sweetheart, but in a good way. We certainly look a pair.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Okay. Do we have to wear them all day, or just for dinner?”

“Just for dinner I reckon. Though I seem to remember my dad always forgetting to take his off and falling asleep in a chair on Christmas afternoons.”

 

Sebastian smiled, thinking how there was something sweet about that image. He gazed at Teddy. He wanted their son to have memories to look back on that gave him the warm feeling that he could tell Mark felt when he recalled that little detail.

“You wanted to see how they work?” remembered Mark.

“Hm? Oh yeah.”

Mark was unpeeling a cracker and taking out the narrow strip of cardboard that ran through the middle. He held it out to Seb to show him how it was actually two pieces, previously sealed at the centre before they were pulled apart.

“So I guess there’s glue of some sort as well as a dab of gunpowder and when you yank it apart the friction makes the bang.”

Sebastian nodded, staring at simple mechanism.

“Clever I guess.”

“Yeah, don’t suppose it’s changed in a hundred years or whatever it’s been since they were invented.”

“Mm.”

“I think someone just maybe stuck a bit much powder on ours,” noted Mark.

“Right. Hm.” 

 

Sebastian frowned a little, thinking that perhaps a cracker containing that wasn’t the best toy for their son. He wrestled him for it, but Teddy looked on the verge of tears again, so Seb quickly reached in and managed to detach the strip that contained the touch of gunpowder, removing it out before passing the harmless paper cracker back to his son.

“Rendered safe now,” commented Mark.

“Mm.”

Teddy waved his empty cracker about, happy to have his toy back.

“So, do you want the bottle stopper or the fold up corkscrew?” asked Mark.

Sebastian smiled as Mark dangled the contents of their crackers to offer them.

“Ooh choices choices.”

“Hey sweetheart when I was a kid they were a good deal tackier than these,” stated Mark.

“Really?”

“Yeah just really cheap plastic toys and random stuff like little combs.”

“Oh I see.”

“You picked proper luxury versions.”

“I just thought they looked nice.”

“They do. When we were kids the best gifts would be little magic tricks. Leanne and I used to have sneaky peeks in the ends of the crackers when we were laying the table to make sure we got them.”

Sebastian laughed, imagining the two of them doing that, then acting surprised when they saw what they got.

“Very sneaky Liebling.”

“Tactical.”

“Right. Well I think those two gifts go together so we could maybe just put them in the kitchen.”

“Good idea.”

  


They continued eating their meal. It felt a bit strange just to be the three of them when they were used to Christmas family meals involving everyone cramming around a table, but this was more relaxing somehow. With a little help Teddy was persuaded to eat a decent amount of his meal as well as playing with his cracker. They took their time over it, but eventually they cleared away, returning to the kitchen to look at the Christmas pudding.

“So how do we cook it?” asked Seb.

“Just shove it in the microwave I reckon.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, won’t take long.”

Sebastian was dubious, but on reading the packaging he found that was an option, so he took the outer wrapper off and put it in for the prescribed time as Mark took small bowls through to the dining room while Seb gave the dogs some of the leftover turkey as he waited. When the microwave pinged they tipped the fruity pudding out onto a plate and Sebastian nodded, thinking it did look essentially like those he had seen in old pictures.

“Do we have to set fire to it?” he asked Mark.

“Oof I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”

“I read that you’re meant to.”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“We’re not actually re-enacting A Christmas Carol darling.”

Sebastian pouted, but it did seem a rather extreme thing to do.

“I’m not sure it would be very safe around Teddy,” he conceded.

“No,” agreed Mark.

 

They took it back through, Seb setting it in the centre of the table as Mark placed the little tub of brandy cream alongside it.

“It still looks proper,” assured Mark.

“Yeah.” Sebastian smiled and looked to Teddy dressed as their dessert. “Like you Teddy.”

“Ha.” Mark thought of the cap Teddy had worn and an idea struck him. “Oh hang on.”

He dashed out leaving Seb wondering what he was up to, even more so when he heard the front door open and close. Then Mark reappeared, bearing a little sprig of holly in triumph.

“For the top,” he announced.

“Where did...”

“Pauline’s wreath. You can’t tell I’ve nicked it.”

Mark went to put it on top of the pudding, then paused and gave the little stalk a good wipe with a napkin, before sticking it in.

“Tah da!”

Sebastian laughed, then nodded.

“Very good Liebling. It does look right now.”

“Great.”

 

Sebastian pulled out his phone to take a picture then let Mark dig in with a spoon to dole out portions into the bowls. He offered one over to Seb who picked up the cream to add the merest of dabs, partly because his instinct to eat healthy was struggling with this and partly because he wasn’t at all sure if he would like it. Mark smiled and did the same, watching as Seb took a cautious taste of the pudding.

“Like it?”

“Um, it’s very rich.”

“Yep. Think that’s the point. All about indulgence.”

“Yeah. Bit like the inside of Pauline’s mince pies.”

Mark nodded.

“Similar ingredients I think. Plus booze.”

“Is there alcohol in it?”

“That’s pretty much essential.”

“Right.” 

Seb tried a bit more, thinking it was a good job they hadn’t planned to give any to their son anyway. Instead Teddy was trying eating a small piece of his tangerine from his stocking and Sebastian couldn't help thinking that a lighter version of fruit after a big meal seemed a better option. He persevered though, eating about half his pudding before looking to Mark and puffing a breath.

“Oh my gosh Liebling. I really can’t eat any more.”

Mark smiled.

“Full?”

“Stuffed.”

Mark put down his spoon.

“Me too. Like a turkey.”

“Ha. I think I’m gonna need a lie down after this,” admitted Sebastian.

Mark laughed and nodded.

“I think that’s about the perfect response to a proper Christmas dinner.”

Sebastian smiled.

“We did alright didn’t we? For a first go.”

Mark reached over and took his hand.

“Yes sweetheart, pretty good.”

 

He stroked his thumb over Seb’s hand, then glanced to Teddy sat between them who seemed to be watching his parents.

“You’ll need your nap anyway mate.”

“We’ve still got presents to sort out,” noted Seb.

Mark looked to him.

“Not even given each other ours yet.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“We’re only doing little things. I really meant for Teddy.”

“Ah, well yeah course.”

“You haven’t broken the rule have you?” checked Seb.

“For your present you mean? Nope. Under ten quid, as instructed.”

“It’s not silly?”

“What? No I think it’s an excellent idea. No point stressing out and spending a fortune. It’s the thought that counts, right?”

“Right. Yours cost less than ten pounds too.”

“Good. Wouldn't want you breaking the rules.”

Sebastian smiled.

“What would the consequence be?”

“Ooh I dunno. Do the washing up?”

“We have a dishwasher.”

“Mm. Not sure then. Nappy changing for a week?”

“Oof that’s harsh!”

Mark shrugged.

“You just said you were under budget.”

“No I am.”

“Not gonna have to produce receipts to prove it are we?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No Liebling. I trust you.”

Mark smiled.

“Me too sweetheart. Right, well let’s clear away and put this little one down for his nap and we can see.”

  


 

Twenty minutes later they were sat in the lounge by the tree, each finding fairly smallish gifts and laughing at the fact that from the outside at least they looked very similar. Both parcels were roughly A5 in size, perhaps a centimetre deep, the shiny wrapping paper glinting with reflected light from the tree.

“I’m not sure what it’ll say about us if we’ve both got the same thing,” commented Seb.

Mark smiled, then looked down at his gift again, trying to resist shaking it.

“We have to do it together,” Seb asserted.

“Righto.”

They both waited, as if any moment somebody would shout ‘go’. Sebastian laughed and Mark did too as they realised, then they both started unwrapping them. Mark chuckled as he saw what he had, but Seb took a moment, turning over the plain dark blue moleskin style notebook he now held in his hands.

“For your race notes,” explained Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah, for the new season. That’s great Liebling, thank you. Do you like yours?”

Mark chuckled again and held up the DVD of ‘A Muppet’s Christmas Carol’.

“Very timely,” he approved.

“See I remembered you saying you liked the Muppets.”

“Yep.” 

 

Mark huffed a light laugh, then looked at Seb with a softer smile as he recalled how long ago that had been; Just after they had finally got together, during the Christmas break, the pair of them lying on the sofa together sharing more of each other than they ever had before in so many ways. He leaned over and kissed Seb’s cheek.

“Thank you darling. What a good memory you have.”

Sebastian smiled a tighter smile, his eyes going down to the notebook in his hands and Mark realised what a clunky comment that was to make. He shifted closer to him and put his arm around Seb.

“Sweetheart…”

Sebastian was scratching a nail into the back of his hand, hardly realising he was doing it as he worked to stop himself getting upset and spoiling this nice moment.

“Seb,” pressed Mark as he angled his head to look in at him. “Sweetheart I didn’t mean… with the notebook, I just thought for races. I thought it would be useful.”

Sebastian looked up to him.

“Oh no Liebling it is. It’s lovely.”

“I didn’t think. Oh god, I’m stupid.” He sighed. “Seb I’m sorry, that was a thoughtless thing to say. I’m such an idiot sometimes.”

Seb frowned.

“No you’re not. I like it Liebling. It’s a very thoughtful gift.”

Mark took in a breath, then decided he’d better ask, or he would only brood on it.

“But what I said… Do you still worry about that? Do you still… I mean, do you worry about remembering details?”

Sebastian shrugged his shoulders and they looked into one another’s eyes, Seb knowing he couldn't lie to Mark.

“A bit,” he confessed.

“Ah Seb.” Mark sighed. “Why don’t you say?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder again.

“I’m just being paranoid.”

“Well I wouldn't say that darling. I mean, have there been any issues? Lately I mean?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I don’t think so. I guess… I mean, I do use my notes. I have to check them.”

“Yes because you’re human. I don’t think even the engineers memorise all the data.”

“I spose. Anyway like I say. I just get a bit paranoid.”

“No darling. You mean you worry. Which is entirely reasonable in the circumstances, but so long as there’s nothing major.”

Sebastian didn’t want Mark to be concerned so he sat up a little straighter to reassure him.

“No Liebling, just niggles. I suppose it is just normal stuff.”

“Okay.” Mark looked down at the notebook. “I didn’t mean to make you think about that. I just thought, you know, it’d be useful.”

“It is. It’s just what I need.”

“Okay.”

“And really, it’s so kind of you to think of that,” asserted Seb, wanting to sound positive. “I do need a new notebook for next year and now, when I use it, I’ll always think of you.”

“Yeah.”

Seb looked at him and knew Mark was feeling guilty still. He turned more to look at him and took his hand.

“Liebling it’s great.”

Mark puffed a long breath and nodded.

“Thanks. You know, what I said… I didn’t think. That was stupid, but thing is darling you _do_ have a great memory about stuff. You work so hard at it all. That’s what your notebooks mean to me; they’re you, working harder than anybody else, caring more, making the effort.” 

 

He reached to stroke over Seb’s cheek and looked to be sure he was really alright, not just trying to seem so. Sebastian in turn knew that look and smiled, reading him immediately.

“Thank you Liebling. You always see the best in me.”

“There’s a lot of best to see.”

Sebastian laughed and leaned in to kiss him.

“And you’re very kind. This is a kind and thoughtful gift.”

“I’ve just got a big mouth.”

“No, you’re honest and that’s why I know I can always trust what you say. You’ve no idea how reassuring that is Liebling.”

Mark smiled, unable to say anything to that other than thank you, so he did.

“Thank you darling.”

“Mein Fels.”

Mark huffed a laugh and kissed him.

“Always. Oh, actually you need to look inside.”

“Oh? Okay.”

Sebastian slipped a finger inside the elastic strap holding the notebook closed and eased it off to open up it, seeing thick plain pages inside.

“Is plain okay?” checked Mark.

“Yep, good, then I can do calculations and drawings.”

Mark smiled, thinking how arduous Seb was in his work. He wondered if even the team understood how much he put into it all.

“Great,” he nodded. “Um, at the front.”

 

Sebastian looked to him, then flicked back to the beginning, finding in the flyleaf a handwritten note in Mark’s hand; written in ink, using a proper fountain pen, the handwriting careful, but in those bold letters he knew so well. He’d bet Mark had written drafts before copying this in. He gave him a smile, then read the words, going a little dewy eyed at the affection in them:

_To my Seb,_

_This is your special notebook for all your notes that help make you the amazing racer you are. Teddy and I are so proud of you. We know you’re going to go great this coming year and we can’t wait to watch, but not as much as we can’t wait until you’re back with us and we can both give you all the hugs and kisses you deserve (which is lots, though most of the kisses will be mine). Remember to give us a wave when you get in the car, we always wave back._

_All my love, always._

_Dein Fels, your Mark x_

 

Sebastian took a deep breath, then turned to Mark and kissed him without saying a word.

“You alright?” Mark checked as he lifted away.

“Yeah.” Seb nodded. “Yeah. That’s really lovely. Thank you so much. I almost don’t want to spoil it by writing in it.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Oh no you have to use it. That’s the whole point. All your notes will make it a real work of art.”

Sebastian laughed at that.

“If you say so. Well, it will be so nice to have with me in the garage. You know I always have your letters.”

“Yeah, I know sweetheart.”

 

Mark nodded and Seb nodded back. An understanding they shared without needing to always say so. Sebastian took a deep breath and looked at the DVD on the floor in front of them.

“I only got you a DVD. I feel bad now.”

“Oh no sweetheart. It’s great.” Mark picked it up and looked at it. “See it’s about you and me.”

“The Muppets?”

“Ha, no. at least I hope not. God, what would muppet versions of us look like?”

Sebastian smiled, trying to imagine that.

“Anyway, no,” continued Mark. “Not you and me muppets, but you thinking of me, thinking of something only you would know, something shared.”

“It’s just a silly little thing.”

“They’re the important things. You know darling I don’t go round telling just anyone that I like the Muppets. That sort of thing is just for you and me. It makes me think of us curled up together on the sofa, all warm from being outside in winter. It reminds me of that feeling of…” he paused, trying to put it into the right words. “When we were first together and just I think feeling _relieved_ that it had finally happened and knowing, really _knowing_ sweetheart that it was real and forever and just feeling so incredibly lucky to know you felt the same way.”

“I do. Of course I do.”

“Yeah, see. God, I swear people wouldn't believe it, but right away, I’ve never been more certain in my life.”

Sebastian took in a nice deep breath, leaning into Mark’s side.

“Me too.”

“Luckiest people in the world.”

“Yeah.”

 

They looked at one another for a moment, then Mark glanced to the DVD again.

“And that’s another thing, see Christmas, all this,” he nodded up to the tree, “I tease you a little bit darling, but I think it’s wonderful. I love seeing you so into it all and so happy. It makes me happy too. You make me relax and get so much more out of life, bring me so much joy and happiness.” 

Mark smiled at him. “It’s the silly stuff that matters. The things that make us laugh. I might take a little warming up darling, but it’s you that does that.”

“I warm you up?”

“Yes.” Mark chuckled. “In so many ways.”

“Ha.”

“But this stuff matters too. So, yes darling ‘A Muppet’s Christmas Carol’ is perfect: Muppets for me, Christmas for you. Wrapped up all together in a big, slightly silly but all the better for it, bow.”

 

Sebastian took in another deep breath.

“I have absolutely no idea how to respond to that Liebling.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head.

“You don’t need to do anything. Or say anything.”

Sebastian rested his head on Mark’s shoulder, then looked up to him.

“To be honest Liebling I’m not sure I entirely thought about all that when I bought it.”

“That’s okay. I reckon a part of your brain just instinctively knew it.”

“Maybe. Also it was £9.99 and we were only allowed to spend ten pounds.”

Mark cracked up laughing and Seb sat away shrugging.

“Sorry.”

“No. Your notebook was on special offer.”

“Bargain.”

“Yep.”

“I mean I did think you’d like it,” assured Seb, “but I’m not sure I really thought about all the Christmassy stuff.”

Mark shook his head.

“It’s just you. So we’re all good.”

Sebastian nodded.

“The notebook is me and you too.”

“Is it?”

“Yes. Because you thought of it and you’ve written in it and well, I mean the team know I have one, but they don’t know like you know. They don’t know that it means more.”

Mark nodded.

“Well, that’s good then. Guess you’d better not leave it lying around.”

“Oh they’d never look in it.”

Mark smiled at Seb having such faith in his colleagues.

“Quite right,” he agreed.

 

Sebastian went back to re-read the note Mark had written, Mark giving him a moment by glancing at the blurb on the back of the DVD box. As Seb looked up again, Mark gave him a smile.

“’kay?”

“Yep. It’s a lovely note Liebling, thank you.”

“I’m glad you like it. So, you fancy watching this later?”

“Do you think Teddy would like it?”

“Sure,” confirmed Mark, then was reminded of something else related to their son. “Oh we need to give him his big presents yet.”

Seb nodded.

“Do you think we could sneak them in while he’s asleep?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“I dunno. If we wake him I doubt he’d go back to sleep.”

“And then he’ll be tired,” agreed Seb. “No okay. I just want it to be a surprise.”

“Magically appearing in the nursery.”

“Well yeah. I know he’s too little to understand, but…”

Mark nodded.

“No I get it. Well, when he wakes up you take him out for a mo and I’ll play Santa.”

“Can you manage it on your own?”

“Yeah I reckon. Only in the next room.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

Mark shrugged it off.

“Shall we have a cup of tea?”

 

Sebastian nodded, so they put their presents to one side and got up to go through to the kitchen. As Mark handed a mug to Seb he glanced at the time.

“Getting on and not a peep.”

“Hm?”

“Teddy. It’s nearly three pm.”

“Oh well we had a later lunch.”

“True.”

Seb looked at the clock again, then remembered something.

“Oh Liebling, can we go through? I want to watch the Queen’s Speech.”

Mark laughed.

“I thought you were kidding about that.”

“No. I want to see what it is.”

 

Mark gave a little shake of his head, but they went back into the lounge, the dogs trailing with them as they took their places on the sofa and Seb turned on the TV. He sat forwards a fraction as if to concentrate better on what he was watching and Mark had to stop himself teasing asking if he was going to stand up for it. He said nothing though, oddly feeling as though making that joke would be disrespectful, though whether that was to the Queen or to Seb, Mark wasn’t sure. Internally he shook his head, but he sat and waited until it was over a few minutes later.

“So?”

Sebastian frowned a little.

“It’s a bit strange. I mean, fine I guess, but I dunno. Does everyone really watch it?”

“I think more used to, but I suppose plenty still do.”

“Did you in Australia? I mean she’s sort of Queen of there too isn’t she?”

“She’s actually Queen. Empire and all that. Commonwealth now.”

“Right. Hm.”

Mark smiled at how Seb was considering all this as if he was going to write a social studies paper on it later.

“I can’t say we watched this or anything. Middle of the night for starters.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark laughed.

“Curiosity sated?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Yeah.”

“So are there any more British, slash Aussie Christmas traditions you want to get ticked off your list?”

Seb pulled a slight face, then frowned.

“Am I missing some?”

Mark shrugged.

“Other than getting sloshed, having a family row and falling asleep on the sofa, I don’t think so.”

“Tsk. I can’t imagine your family doing that,” argued Seb.

“Well, maybe a drink or two and the sofa business, yeah, but no, I’m kidding.”

“We’ve still got that bit of glühwein.”

“Ha, maybe later.”

“Sure.”

“And I’m totally up for falling asleep on the sofa.”

“Yeah me too Liebling.”

“Possibly not unrelated to the glühwein.”

“Ha yeah.”

“But not the row.”

“No.”

“Good, there we go then. Oh and eating leftovers for supper.”

“That’s fine, we can do that.”

  


They left the film that followed playing on TV, but neither of them were particularly watching it, so when Teddy piped up they both headed up to get him. As Seb lifted their son up from having changed him, Mark came and stroked over the baby’s back.

“We good now kiddo?”

Sebastian smiled in at Teddy resting into his shoulder.

“I’ll take him down for some milk and see if he wants a snack.”

“Righto, so I’ll um… yeah.”

Seb huffed a laugh at Mark not wanting to reveal their plans to their son.

“Thank you Liebling.” He looked to Teddy. “Let’s go see if you’re hungry Kleiner.”

  


Ten minutes later Mark found them in the kitchen, Teddy feeding himself milk and helping himself from a bowl of chopped fruit as Seb sat beside him.

“How we doing?” enquired Mark.

“Yeah he’s nearly done.”

“No rush.”

Teddy dangled his sippy-cup in one hand, nearly dropping it as he looked to him.

“Dada.”

“Yeah mate, careful.”

Mark set the cup down.

“Are we um, all set upstairs?” asked Seb.

“Yep. It’s not going anywhere though, so…”

“Right,” nodded Seb.

  


They waited until Teddy had finished, or as much as he was clearly going to. Mark stood, slancing a spare slice of apple from the baby’s bowl.

“Right then kiddo, I do believe there’s been a special delivery in your room, so shall we go take a peek?”

He lifted Teddy out of his chair and they went up to the nursery, Seb slowly opening the door and smiling to their son.

“You’ve got some more presents Teddybär.”

He pushed the door wide and they went in, Seb smiling even wider to see how Mark had set the toy wooden kitchen over in the far corner opposite where the rocking chair sat by the window. A few feet in front of it was placed a toddler-sized table with two little chairs and by them a large wrapped box.

“Oh well done Liebling.”

Mark shrugged, though the kitchen had taken quite a bit of shoving to move on his own. He set their son down to help him totter over.

“Do you like these Teddy?” asked Mark.

Teddy had his hands on the table, the low height helping him stay standing.

“You can do colouring on here,” smiled Seb. “We’ll get you lots of paper and crayons.”

“Papa.”

“Yeah.”

Seb looked to Mark, already anticipating their fridge being covered in their son’s artwork, no matter that it would be only scribbles.

 

Mark lifted Teddy to sit on one of the chairs, laughing as he almost immediately toppled sideways.

“Oops, bit soon perhaps.”

“Hmm. Do you think we should take the chairs out for now?”

Mark smiled.

“We’re not gonna leave him playing in here on his own are we?”

“Oh I spose not.”

Mark had his arm around Teddy, holding him in place.

“Nah, we’ll just have to hope Teddy invites us to his tea parties.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Oh yeah, Teddy, you’ve not looked at your kitchen yet.”

 

Mark helped Teddy to stand and encouraged him to go over to the toy kitchen. It was a bit big for him yet, but Seb had insisted on getting one that would last him. The baby stood patting his hands on the pretend sink and stove.

“Look mate, little fridge and microwave,” showed Mark as he opened the painted wooden doors in the unit.

“You can play all sorts of games,” encouraged Seb. “Oh and the things to go with it.”

He turned and dragged the large box closer, so Mark turned Teddy to see. The baby banged his hands down on it, but they knew it was too tricky for him to unwrap, so Seb did it for him, revealing a large box of toy kitchen equipment. He prised the flap open and started taking things out.

“Look Schatz, you’ve got plates and cups and knives and forks and all sorts to play with.”

As Teddy sat, already picking up the plastic items to look at them, Mark helped Seb bring more items out.

“Ooh Teddy, a frying pan and a sauce pan and what’s this?” Mark grinned as he held up a wooden spoon. “For mixing buddy, bet you’ll be good at that.”

“And there’s a big bowl,” offered Seb, “and all baking things.”

Mark chuckled as an array of baking trays and jugs appeared.

“Auntie Pauline will be very proud,” he informed Teddy.

“Aw yeah you can show her when she’s back,” smiled Seb.

Teddy had the mixing bowl in his lap, haphazardly moving the wooden spoon, mostly just bashing them together.

“Pretty good mate,” praised Mark.

“There’s toy food as well,” explained Seb, reaching in to the bottom to find a plastic pack of pretend food items. He peered in, looking to be certain they were too big and too solid to be a choking hazard as the advertising had promised.

“I think we might leave opening that if we don’t want a complete tip in here,” cautioned Mark.

“Oh, yeah I guess. There’s a shopping basket to store them in.”

Mark laughed as a little plastic supermarket basket emerged from the box.

“It’s like Mary Poppins’ bag in there.”

“Ha, yeah.”

“Plenty to keep him busy.”

“It’s meant to help his imaginative play,” asserted Seb.

“Yep.” Mark smiled to Teddy. “You’ll be cooking up a storm won’t you?”

“And there’s this,” prompted Seb.

He brought out a celophane wrapped package, ripping it open to show Mark and Teddy the little cloth pinny and chef’s hat.

“Ha, that’s brilliant,” grinned Mark. “Gotta try that one him.”

 

He stood Teddy up to let Seb try putting them on him. Teddy was no longer dressed in his pudding outfit but stretchy Christmas tree patterned bottoms paired with a ‘My First Christmas’ long-sleeved top, so it wasn’t that difficult putting the apron on him, though getting the cloth straps velcro’d around his waist and neck was more of a challenge.

“Hm, bit big,” frowned Seb seeing the hem of the apron only an inch or two off the ground.

“Meh, it’ll last him.”

“I guess.”

Mark picked up the white cloth chef’s hat and put it on the baby, both he and Seb smiling at how cute he looked.

“Gotta get a pic,” declared Mark, getting his phone out.

He chuckled as he showed it to Seb, the slightly too big hat lopsided and Teddy clearly holding the wooden spoon with some determination.

“We should put it all in his kitchen,” decided Sebastian.

“Sure. Come on then Teddy, you can help.”

They tried showing Teddy how the plates went in the low cupboard under the little sink and fitted trays into the pretend oven. Teddy however had different ideas, taking each item back out just as fast as his parents could tidy them away.

Mark laughed and stroked over Teddy’s arm.

“Mate the idea is to tidy up.”

“Dada.”

“Mm. You’re gonna need to learn to tidy up your toys kiddo. I think that’s your new challenge.”

“That’s what the cupboards are for,” Seb informed him.

“Papa.”

Teddy smiled, unaffected by his parents’ advice. He had lost the hat and now sat piling up the plates, experimenting by seeing which different sized ones fitted on top of the other, then using various pieces of cutlery to bash into them. They let him play for a while, already thinking how much mess they could expect now their son was older.

“We need to get some tidy tubs or a toy box,” commented Mark.

Sebastian nodded.

“We could get a little unit to sit by the bookshelves.”

“Something he can tidy up himself,” decided Mark.

“Mm. Here you are Teddy,” tried Seb. “Look, we’ll put the pans on the stove to cook dinner.”

 

As Seb helped Teddy stand and distracted him playing, Mark shoved the smaller items away. That done Mark knelt watching how Seb tried to talk to their son, telling him how he could make an omelette in the frying pan or cook pasta in the other pan whilst Teddy merely stood beside him, one hand holding the sauce pan, the other the wooden spoon as he banged it and laughed to himself.

“Maybe we should have got him a drum kit?” smiled Mark.

Sebastian turned to him and coughed a laugh.

“I hope you’re kidding.”

Mark nodded.

“For our own sanity, no drum kits. That xylophone is already enough to test me some days.”

Sebastian looked to their son.

“Daddy isn’t appreciating your musical talents Liebling.”

“If they were actually musical I might,” commented Mark dryly. He sent the pair of them a wink. “Already more tuneful that I’ve ever been to be fair.”

 

Only when Teddy sat down into Seb with a bump did they decide to move him on.

“Now Teddy we’ve got one more thing for you down in the lounge,” explained Mark.

“In the lounge?”

“Well there’s more space there.”

“Okay.” Sebastian looked to their son and started taking his striped apron off. “Let’s go see what that is.”

  


Once down in the lounge Seb could see Mark had put the little push-along trike by the tree, a red rosette stuck to one handlebar rather than do anything foolhardly like attempt to wrap it. As Seb stood Teddy on the carpet Mark wheeled it closer.

“We got you a bike,” announced Mark. “Like Daddy and Papa ride on when we take you in your little trailer.”

“Isn’t it a trike?”

Mark pulled a face at Seb.

“Same difference. You gonna have a go Teddy?”

Sebastian lifted the baby onto the seat, then as he held him in place Mark guided their son’s hands to hold the handles. Once he had managed that, both parents smiled at him.

“See, like that Teddy,” explained Mark.

“I think if we show him how to make it go,” decided Seb.

“Yeah.”

They moved the trike across the carpet, Seb keeping his hands on Teddy’s waist as Mark tried to show him how to use his feet to trundle along. It was a bit of a stretch and only his tiptoes reached the floor, but with a little help Teddy seemed to get the idea of how to propel himself forward, though his parents gave pushes to help.

“So we can adjust the height of the seat,” explained Mark as if telling Teddy.

“Does it go lower?”

“I’ll check. Maybe a fraction.”

“Okay well good that he’s got room to grow.”

“Yep and there’s pedals you can fix to the front wheel when he’s up to that and a handle to fit into the back so we can push him along if need be.”

“It’s really good Liebling,” praised Seb. “He’ll get lots of good exercise.”

“And it helps balancing,” Mark added. “When it’s a smidge warmer we can play in the garden. Grass is a soft landing.”

 

Sebastian nodded. He would have suggested taking Teddy out there now, but it had been so cold earlier and would only be colder now it was nearing dark. The lawn would be pretty hard with frost too. He looked to Mark, considering something.

“He doesn’t need to be wearing a helmet and stuff does he?”

“For a baby trike? No darling. He’s only gonna be pootling about in here or the garden. He’s not gonna get hurt.”

“Okay, sorry.”

“That’s okay. Wait till he’s big enough for a real bike.”

Seb huffed a laugh, knowing he should leave that worry for another day long hence.

“I can’t wait until we can get him a seat on our bikes, then we can go for rides more easily.”

“We’ll check that out. Reckon we can do that soon.”

Sebastian nodded then looked to their son.

“He’s getting so big.”

Mark huffed a laugh, then gave a little shake of his head.

“It’s good.”

“I know, just… I guess, ah I’m just being silly.”

Mark leaned in to kiss his cheek, then smiled at Teddy.

“Good fun this isn’t it sweetheart? We’ll have loads of time to play tomorrow.”

Sebastian glanced outside.

“It’s going dark.”

Mark looked too.

“Mm. Tell you what, why don’t we stick the Muppets on, light the fire and cosy up on the sofa?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“You can still have a play buddy,” Mark informed their son.

 

Teddy tried moving his legs to get the trike to move so Seb helped him while Mark lit the fire and put the guard securely in place, then went to fetch the dogs from the kitchen. By the time he came back through Teddy was sat on the carpet with his toys so Mark pointed at the rug in front of the fire to the dogs, encouraging them to sit there so they blocked Teddy’s way in that direction. Once he’d pushed the trike over by the tree Mark put the DVD on while Seb went to get drinks so they could settle in.

At first the baby was content with his toys as his parents watched the film from the sofa, but after a while he half walked, half crawled over and stood in front of them, one hand on each of their knees.

“Dada Papa.”

“Yeah mate, you missing out?” 

Mark smiled and scooped him up, setting him in his lap while Seb leaned into Mark, legs now curled up onto the cushions. Teddy gazed at the screen, looking to his parents when they laughed as if wondering what the joke was. Mark smiled down at him, getting a smile back.

“Is it funny darling? Or are Daddy and Papa funny?”

“Dada.”

“Yeah.” 

Mark looked into his son’s eyes thinking how much easier it would be when he could communicate better. Sebastian sat up to have a drink, then looked over to the presents left by the tree, his eyes drawn by the sparkling lights that they’d left switched on all day.

“You know Liebling we’ve got those chocolates Mel bought us.”

“Ooh dangerous,” smiled Mark.

“Dark chocolate.”

“Even more dangerous.”

Sebastian smiled.

“They do look pretty special. And it is Christmas.”

Mark chuckled.

“That’s true.”

“I’ll get them.”

 

Leaping up, Seb went to grab the box, opening it and offering it to Mark as he sat back down.

“Oh this is a dilemma,” Mark admitted as he perused the tempting selection of artisan chocolates before him.

Seeing as his father took too long choosing, Teddy went to reach for one so Seb moved the box away.

“Not for you Teddy.”

Mark kissed the top of his son’s head.

“Treats when you’re older,” he allowed.

“Even then I don’t think he’d like dark chocolate.”

“No.”

Sebastian looked at their son.

“Are you hungry Teddy?”

“Be so much easier when he can tell us,” noted Mark.

“Mm. I’ll just get a little snack in case.”

“Okay.”

 

Seb returned with one of Teddy’s plates with a couple of mini ricecakes and some slices of banana on it. He offered it up, but Teddy merely sat into Mark, not seeming interested.

“Oh,” frowned Seb.

Mark smiled.

“Contrary little creature,” he teased. “You’re not getting choccies.”

He reached for one of the slices of banana, making a show of popping it into his mouth.

“Mmm, yummy.”

Teddy looked at him, then as Seb offered the plate again Teddy took a piece of fruit to gum at. His parents watched as he ate it, then reached for another.

“You just want to be like Daddy don’t you?” noted Seb.

He set the plate on Teddy’s legs so he could help himself, eating a couple of bits of fruit and half a mini ricecake before abandoning it.

“Well there we go,” commented Mark as Teddy rested into him and Seb rescued the plate just before it fell to the floor.

  


Seb put the plate on the table and left Teddy to settle half turned into Mark before he surreptitiously offered him the chocolates again, Mark giving him a wink as he took one.

“Cheers.”

Seb merely smiled and chose one for himself before fitting back up against Mark as he had been before. After a while Seb noticed that Teddy had slumped a little more into Mark and was asleep, but there didn’t seem much point putting him down, so he offered Mark another chocolate. As Seb ate one too he let out a long sigh.

“This feels so…” he drifted off.

“Nice?”

“Decadent.”

Mark chuckled, Teddy stirring a fraction as he lay into him.

“Sorry bud,” apologised Mark as he stroked over his arm to soothe him. Then he looked back to Seb. “Decadent indeed. I like it.”

Sebastian rested his head on Mark’s shoulder and let out a long contented breath. They watched the film, the family in comfortable silence broken only by the occasional laugh. It was warm and cosy, curtains drawn now against the dark winter night fallen outside. Seb didn’t notice the way his eyes fell shut just as their son’s had. Mark did though. He turned his head to gently kiss Seb’s forehead and smiled as he whispered.

“Another tradition ticked off darling.”

  


  


Mark just about managed not to fall asleep with the rest of the family and once the film finished they all roused themselves to sort out dinner; Mark making him and Seb turkey sandwiches while Seb made Teddy’s dinner so they could all sit together. While they were sorting that Mark had let the dogs out for a run around in the dark garden seeing as they hadn’t taken them for a later walk. As he called them back in he stood in the doorway and shivered.

“Oof it’s cold out there. Boys, grub’s up!”

Shadow and Simba almost knocked him over as they bounded inside, clattering across the tiled floor as they eagerly hurried to their bowls. Mark shut the door and went to join Seb at the table, giving Teddy a smile as he attempted to shovel some mashed avocado into his mouth. They had avocado with their turkey too to make their sandwiches a little more interesting. As Mark took a bite he thought about the amount of food they had left.

“I guess at least we don’t need to think too much about what we’re eating for the next couple of days,” he commented.

“I looked up some recipes for leftover turkey.”

“Good stuff. Can we expect turkey curry?”

Sebastian smiled.

“I don’t know. Maybe I could try?”

“Sure. Why not.”

The dogs had made short work of their food and came to sit by Teddy’s high-chair, ever optimistic of offerings from above.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I think we can be sure there’s some in the family who will finish off any we can’t manage.”

“Mm.” 

 

Sebastian shook his head as he looked at the dogs, sat for all the world as if sentries placed either side of their son. Teddy seemed to have run out of energy to feed himself so Seb took over, wiping his mouth with the bib and then scooping up some of the chopped turkey mixing it with the avocado to make it easier. He managed to get a couple of small mouthfuls in, then as Teddy pushed the mush out of his mouth Seb sat back defeated.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have given him a snack?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Didn’t eat much. Let’s try a bit of yoghurt.”

He got up to get the tub of natural yoghurt from the fridge and poured a little into one of Teddy’s bowls, then sat the other side of their son, attempting to spoon it in and getting about half eaten before he too gave up.

“Nope, think he’s done,” Mark conceded.

He huffed a little laugh at the splodges around Teddy’s mouth and tidied him up.

“I think maybe we’re a bit out of sync today.”

Sebastian nodded and stood, beginning to tidy away. Mark stroked Teddy’s cheek.

“Be back to normal tomorrow won’t we kiddo, hm? Won’t be quite so over-excited by everything.”

Seb turned around where he stood by the sink.

“Do you think he’s tired?”

Mark shrugged.

“Had plenty of naps. I dunno. Guess it’s been a lot today, lots of new things.” He smiled at Teddy. “All those toys and presents to get you all worked up, eh?”

Sebastian sat with them.

“And he was up early.”

“Exactly.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Never know. He might give us a bit of a lie-in tomorrow.”

Seb laughed with him.

“That’d be nice. A belated present.”

“Ha, yeah. Could you do that for us bud? Give Daddy and Papa a lie-in tomorrow and all we’ll do is play and chill out for the day. Does that sound good?”

“Sounds good to me.”

Mark nodded to Seb. It might be wishful thinking, but they could hope.

  


 

Despite not being very lively after dinner, Teddy sat with his parents in the lounge as Mark read to him from the book his mum and dad had given him. Sebastian sat looking at the pictures with as much interest as their son, the scenes depicted of that warm climate so in contrast to where they were now, though the warmth of the fire before them did something to improve matters.

“Can we get out to show him the countryside a bit when we’re there?” asked Seb.

“Course. We’ll have the hire-car, take the carrier.”

“Is it safe though?”

Mark turned to him and frowned.

“Safe?”

“Well, there’s spiders and snakes… I don’t know, crocodiles.”

Mark laughed.

“Darling we won’t be going anywhere there’s crocs other than the zoo.”

“Well alright, but other stuff?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“To be honest I think you’re as likely to get a funnel-web spider in the garden as the bush.”

“That’s not terribly reassuring Liebling.”

Mark shook his head.

“Sweetheart it’s really not that common people get bitten.”

“Okay.”

Mark could see he still looked unconvinced.

“Millions of kids have grown up playing in their back yards without coming to harm, me for one.”

Sebastian nodded.

“And we always keep a close eye on him don’t we?”

“Course we do,” agreed Mark. “And my folks will too. Seriously sweetheart, Teddy won’t be able to move for people wanting to take care of him.”

“Okay, sorry.”

“That’s alright. I mean sure, there are dangerous things out there, but we’re only gonna see them from a distance at the zoo, right?”

“Right okay.”

“We can go visit one of the reserves or national parks, we won’t need to go all that far from the car park to find a nice bit of land to show him. Maybe find somewhere we can see some of our more cuddly inhabitants.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath, knowing he was worrying over nothing, especially when they had already taken their son out to Australia when he was far smaller than he was now.

“That sounds good Liebling. What might we see?”

“Hmm, dunno I’ll check out where to go. Maybe a koala.”

Seb sat up a little.

“Really?”

“Can’t make any promises.”

“Oh but that’d be so cute. Teddy would love to see a koala, wouldn't you Kleiner?”

Teddy glanced to him, Seb smiling down and Mark knew he’d have to find a way to make that happen now.

 

“Do you think we need to get him some more summer clothes?” wondered Seb.

Mark smiled.

“Yeah you know how Leanne mentioned about digging out some of Ryan’s old clothes from the loft to give us?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I think we may need an extra suitcase.”

“Oh. Really?”

“She’s got the girls’ stuff too apparently. I guess she couldn't bear throwing it out or giving it away.”

“Except to us.”

“Mm, well, family’s different isn’t it?”

“Guess so.”

“Well I’m sure we can find a use for it. Teddy gets stuff all over himself doesn’t he?”

Sebastian smiled and stroked over their son’s hair.

“You do Kleiner, but never mind.” He looked up to Mark. “You know I can’t bring myself to get rid of any of the things he’s grown out of either.”

Mark laughed.

“Yes darling I know. We do need to have a clear out of his drawers.”

“I can’t believe how tiny his first babygros were.”

Mark angled his head to look at Teddy.

“I can’t believe how tiny _he_ was.”

“Yeah.”

“And nearly one now.”

Sebastian sighed and leaned more into Mark.

“It’s good though, isn’t it Liebling?”

“Course it is. Big milestone.”

“And he was so tiny, so fragile.”

 

Seb gazed at Teddy in Mark's arms, their little boy who they used to have to hold so carefully who now happily toddled and fell over before picking himself back up, if with a little help required at times.

“And now you’re a big rambunctious lad aren’t you?” smiled Mark.

“Rambunctious?”

“Yeah.”

“I think you just made that word up.”

“Possibly. So what are we gonna do with his old stuff? Keep a few bits and give the rest to charity?”

Sebastian pouted.

“I don’t want to give it away. I know how Leanne feels.”

“So are we just gonna box it and stick it in the loft then?”

Shrugging, Sebastian pondered the issue.

“I guess if some of it went to family. Like if Stef had another baby.”

“Is she planning that?”

“I think Mum would like it.”

“Ha, blimey.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Mm, I swear Mum saying stuff helps put her off, but Sofie’s still little.”

“Sure. Maybe in the future though?”

“Maybe yeah. She’s not exactly said, but I kind of get the impression.”

“Well, their business I guess.”

“Mm.”

 

Seb was staring at Teddy again and Mark raised an eyebrow, wondering if he was missing something.

“Um, sweetheart, are you thinking of another purpose for Teddy’s baby stuff?”

“Hm?” Seb looked up at him.

“That um,” Mark laughed awkwardly, thinking they had never broached this issue. “Well, that we might need them?”

Sebastian looked at him for a moment before the penny dropped.

“Oh. Gosh, well I wasn’t, but…”

“Right.”

They stared at one another.

“Maybe one day?” suggested Seb tentatively. 

Mark nodded.

“Maybe, yeah. I mean, we’ve kind of got our hands full right now.”

“Yeah. Especially next season with us both racing.”

“Exactly.”

“But maybe not entirely ruling it out one day?”

 

Mark smiled at how cautious they were over this, but then when the topic of having children had first come up it had nearly caused a rift between them and he knew how unhappy it had made them both until they resolved matters, thankfully reaching the same conclusion. He turned his head to kiss Seb’s cheek.

“Not ruling it out, but perhaps something we don’t need to worry about just now, yeah sweetheart?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian nodded more confidently, glad they were on the same page. “Yes Liebling. Quite enough to keep us busy right now.”

Mark laughed and kissed the top of Teddy’s head.

“Quite the handful aren’t you kiddo?”

Teddy turned more to look at him and Mark could see how sluggish he seemed.

“Think he’s ready for bed darling. It’s gone seven.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I’ll get his bottle.”

  


 

Not too long later they were upstairs in the nursery, Teddy fed and ready for bed. Unfortunately their son wasn’t too keen on having his teeth cleaned and so they were working on soothing him back into a mode ready to go to sleep. Seb sat in the rocking chair cradling his son more like the little baby he had once been, rocking the chair gently back and forth as Mark perched on the window ledge by them, reading Teddy him one of his favourite stories.

As he reached the end Mark looked over to Teddy and Seb.

“Think he’ll go down now?”

Sebastian tried sit up a little, but Teddy crushed into him.

“Papa,” he appealed.

Seb relented and sat back.

“Maybe one more read through?” he suggested.

Mark nodded and turned back to the beginning.

“Guess it’s only a short story,” he allowed.

“How do people even cope if they have two?”

Mark chuckled as he realised what Seb was getting at given their earlier discussion.

“I dunno darling. Guess they just do.”

“I spose.”

“Mm. Right Teddy bear, last go then bed,” advised Mark. “Once there were two bears; big bear and little bear…”

 

Sebastian smiled and continued to rock the baby back and forth. Still their baby. Way too tiny to even consider whether they might one day want him to have a little brother or sister.

 

As Mark rounded off the story once more he used his slowest, most soothing voice and Seb smiled at him, knowing exactly what he was doing. He sat forwards slowly as Mark closed the book and put it on the window ledge beside him, Seb carefully standing up ready to put Teddy down in his cot. As he did so though, he heard Mark huff a laugh and looked up, Mark turning back to him from peering out of the window.

“What?”

“I’ve got an extra present for you sweetheart.”

“Huh?”

“Come here,” beckoned Mark.

Sebastian came closer to the window, Teddy still in his arms. Mark put one arm around him and pointed outside. At first Seb couldn't make it out against the dark night sky, the moon hidden behind thick cloud, but there was just enough light escaping from the house and as he peered out Sebastian gasped.

“Oh Liebling, it’s snowing!”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“Only a little, but yes.”

“Oh wow, it’s beautiful.”

Mark huffed a laugh and squeezed him in a little, looking less at the light snow and more at the delight on Seb’s face.

“Yeah. So are you.”

Sebastian looked to him and shook his head.

“Only saying what’s true,” defended Mark.

Taking a deep breath Seb held Teddy at more of an angle so he could see outside. Those blue eyes were sleepy, but not closed yet.

“Look Schatz, it’s snow.”

They both watched their son observing the flakes falling.

“You like that sweetheart?” Mark asked Teddy.

“It’s his first snow.”

“Yeah. Good timing.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Ha, I’m afraid I can’t claim credit for making it snow.”

“For noticing.”

“Ah.”

 

Mark nodded, thinking it was fortunate that they hadn’t closed the curtains in here due to him needing a place to perch. They watched the snow fall for another minute, then Seb looked down to Teddy, knowing he needed to sleep. They went and put him in his cot, tucking the blanket around him. Teddy lay quite passively, his breathing already slow. Mark put his arm around Seb as they looked down at him, giving his arm a little rub.

“Good Christmas then?” he checked.

Seb turned to him and nodded.

“Perfect.”

“Excellent. Not quite done yet either.”

“Oh?”

“We’ve still got some of that glühwein left haven’t we? Reckon we can warm a bit up?”

“Yes that sounds nice,” agreed Seb.

He went over to the window, pulling down the blind and closing the curtains so the room was properly insulated. With the last glimpse of the snow gone, Mark came over to him and gave him a smile.

“Why don’t we go have a little look outside? I reckon he’s off.”

Sebastian nodded and picked up the monitor so they could head down.

 

Moments later they were stood in the open kitchen doorway, looking out into the garden. The dogs thankfully were curled up warmly in their baskets, no interest as their masters had in peering out at the falling snow.

“Not sure I can promise it’ll stick,” commented Mark looking at the thin dusting accumulated on the lawn.

“Mm, ah well.” Seb gave him a smile. “Just nice to see it.”

“Yeah.”

“Specially today.”

“Ha, white Christmas.”

“Mm.”

“You wanna go out?”

“Um, yeah okay,” agreed Seb.

 

They went to shove boots on and grabbed coats, Seb fitting the baby monitor in his pocket, though he was sure their son was sound asleep upstairs. Leaving the kitchen door open they stepped outside, going a little way over the lawn, the light from inside providing enough illumination to see the delicate flakes of snow floating gently down. Sebastian let out a sigh.

“It really is beautiful,” he declared.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian held out his hand and watched a small flake of snow land in his palm, soon melting from the warmth of his skin.

“I think you’re right Liebling.”

“Hm?”

“I’m not sure it’ll stick. The flakes are so small.”

Mark nodded and stood a little closer to him, placing a hand at his cheek.

“Never mind,” he assured softly.

“Yeah.”

 

As they looked at one another Mark huffed a laugh, then leaned in to kiss him, his hands going to Seb’s waist, then round his back to pull him close. Sebastian smiled into it, closing his eyes and letting himself get lost in the kiss as it deepened, letting out a little sigh as Mark lifted away.

“Mm.”

Mark smiled, doing nothing to loosen his hold on Seb.

“Can it be three years? It feels like ten,” he commented.

Sebastian couldn't fail to understand what Mark was referring to.

“Christmas not New Year.”

“True.”

“But yes Liebling, it feels like longer. Feels like forever,” asserted Seb. 

“In a good way.”

“Of course.” Sebastian lifted his arms to wind them around Mark’s neck as he looked at him. “You know Liebling, I really am very happy. I wouldn't want to change our life or anything about our family right now.”

Mark nodded, knowing what he was getting at.

“Me too darling. Nothing I’d change.”

He pressed in for another kiss, then laughed as a snowflake landed directly on his nose.

“Except maybe for being a bit warmer,” he admitted. “It’s perishing out here.”

Sebastian chuckled and pushed up on his toes to kiss him, then stepped back, Mark finally letting his hands slip away.

“So that glühwein then?” offered Seb.

“Ooh yes sweetheart. Perfect.”

 

As they walked back inside Seb slid his hand into Mark’s, smiling at the way he squeezed it back in that reassuring way Mark had. He glanced down at the grass, feeling it crunch beneath his feet. It was frosted white, but there were still only powdery sprinklings of snow gathering there. Maybe it wouldn't last until morning, but it didn’t matter. Teddy was safely asleep, there was a warm fire to sit before, glühwein to warm on the stove, a wonderful husband to share it with. He couldn’t really ask for more. Sebastian squeezed Mark's hand back and smiled at him as they stepped through the door inside and shut the world off a while longer.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah Mark can't make it snow, but I can. Sorry not sorry for the Christmas fluff.


	246. Souvenirs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ironically now it's turning colder I'm quite glad to travel with them somewhere far warmer, in my mind at least...

* * *

 

 

“So did you have lots of snow then?”

Mark glanced to Seb sat beside him in his parents’ kitchen before shaking his head.

“No, sadly not. Had the odd dusting through the week, but it wouldn't stick. I think maybe it was actually too cold,” he explained.

“Too cold for snow?” frowned his father.

“Yeah you wouldn't think it, but it can work that way.”

“Huh. Guess we’re not the experts on it round here.”

Mark smiled and chubbed Teddy’s cheek where he sat on his mother’s knee.

“Never mind, we had fun anyway didn’t we sweetheart?”

Sebastian nodded as well. He had to admit he had been disappointed not to get a proper amount of snow over the last week. He’d hoped they could get out to play in it with their son, let Teddy experience the joys of sledging and making snowmen, but on Boxing Day though they had woken to a white garden, it was mostly frost with just a sprinkling of real snow. Certainly not enough to play on. He’d gone so far as to order a sledge, but by the time it was delivered on the Wednesday it was clear it wasn’t going to get any use in the immediate future and Sebastian had resignedly stowed it away in the garage.

“It looked nice anyway,” offered Seb.

“It did darling,” Mark agreed. “Very Christmassy.”

“Well that’s nice,” smiled Diane.

“Maybe you’ll get some later in the year?” suggested Alan.

“Yeah maybe,” nodded Mark. “Anyway, we had plenty of fun. Seb’s sister Stef got us this gingerbread house kit, so we made that.”

His father laughed.

“You baked something?”

“Hey I cook.”

“ _Cook_ yes.”

“I’m sure it was very impressive,” intervened his mother.

Mark shrugged.

“Just a kit so it wasn’t all that hard. We had fun decorating it though didn’t we sweetheart?”

“Yeah it was nice,” agreed Seb.

“You should have sent us a picture,” smiled Diane.

“Oh, well. It was a bit wonky.”

Mark chuckled.

“By which Seb means it wasn’t completely perfect. I reckon we did alright though.” He looked to his mother. “I actually did take a picture. Wanna see?”

 

He got out his phone to show her the photograph he had taken of the gingerbread house they had spent several hours constructing and decorating with piped icing and sweets. Part of the reason the roof was slightly out of alignment was due to Teddy ‘helping’ and nearly knocking the whole thing down, but they’d managed to save it with extra icing to keep the edifice together.

“Looks very impressive,” praised Diane.

“Seb dusted it with icing sugar to make it look like snow.”

“Ha, very good,” smiled Alan as he was shown.

“That’s basically how much snow we had,” Seb commented.

Mark sent him a smile and nodded.

“Did it taste nice?” asked his mother.

“Hm? Oh we didn’t eat it. Couldn't do that could we?”

“No,” agreed Seb, thinking how proud he had actually felt when Pauline had come round to let them know she was home and check through things before they in turn went away. A silly thing to be proud of perhaps, but he had been.

 

As he fitted his phone away Mark sat back a little, trying not to let a yawn escape. It was only getting for five pm here, but their journey had started on what had been yesterday morning for them in England. Apart from take-off and landing Teddy had behaved reasonably well, sleeping in his aircot while his parents attempted to do the same in their seats, but such a long flight was never easy and there was no way they weren’t going to be tired, even before you took into account the time difference.

“Must feel hot here compared to England,” commented his mother.

Mark coughed a laugh, thinking how it had been the first thing Seb had said the moment they stepped off the plane. Naturally he had taken the piss, pointing out that seeing as they were now in Australia at the height of summer that was to be expected, but in truth it had felt a bit of a shock to the system even for him.

“Mm.”

“We changed on the flight,” commented Seb, “but it does feel warm.”

 

He looked in at Teddy, checking to see he didn’t look too hot, though he was now dressed in shorts and t-shirt after weeks of fleecy onesies to prevent him getting cold back home.

“Perhaps we should give him some water?” suggested Mark. “We’ve got his cup.”

Mark looked for where their baby-bag was and dug out Teddy’s sippy-cup, filling it with water before passing it to his mother.

“He doesn’t need anything else?” she checked.

“Nah we fed him as we landed.”

“Helps with the pressure change,” Seb reminded them.

Diane nodded as Alan smiled at the baby.

“Still giving you trouble with that?”

“Not his fault,” defended Mark.

“No I suppose not.”

“You are being good,” praised Diane as Teddy took the water to drink.

“I’m not sure he really knows what time it is,” admitted Seb.

Mark laughed.

“I’m not sure I do either.”

His mother looked up to where her son now stood.

“Oh we should sort you out and let you have a rest before dinner.”

 

Mark was about to say they were okay, but Sebastian was already standing.

“I think that might be a good idea,” he agreed.

Mark nodded.

“Right you are then.”

His father was also standing to help them ferry their belongings upstairs, Diane staying in place with Teddy who was sufficiently distracted by his drink not to get upset at his parents leaving him. As they dumped another set of bags on the floor of the bedroom and started setting up Teddy’s travel cot, Mark puffed out a long breath.

“Do you think he’ll have a nap?”

Sebastian clicked one of the hinges to lock it into place and stood.

“Hope so. I think he’s likely to be up through the night.”

Mark nodded. Hence them putting the cot in with them despite there being spare bedrooms. Poor Teddy was inevitably going to have his bodyclock disturbed and they wanted to be close, partly to prevent him disturb Mark’s parents, but also selfishly to minimise the amount of sleep he and Seb managed with having to trek to fetch him.

  


Once they had sorted everything out, they went back down, Seb and Mark also availing themselves of drinks of water to refresh themselves. Unfortunately the minute he saw them, Teddy started whining for his dada and papa, abandoning his cup and holding his arms out plaintively. Sebastian set his own glass down and took him from his mother-in-law.

“Sorry, I think he really might be tired.”

Diane nodded and stood with them.

“Of course. You should go have a rest.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah cheers Mum,” concurred Mark. “Think we will crash for a bit. What time is dinner?”

“Oh whenever you’re ready for it.”

“Why don’t we say seven?” asserted Alan. 

“Does Teddy need something now?” checked Diane.

“No he’s had plenty.”

“Well if he wants anything just come down.”

“Thanks.”

  


Upstairs in their room Seb attempted to put Teddy down in his cot, but the baby wailed and clung to him and Sebastian couldn't find it in him to fight when he was tired as well. He let Mark try, but when that had the same result Mark conceded defeat and went to sit on the bed with him, Teddy refusing even to sit on Mark’s knee as he hung on determinedly around his father's neck.

“We’ll be right here Teddybär,” tried Sebastian sitting by them.

“Dada,” pouted Teddy.

Mark sighed and shook his head.

“I suppose he could have a lie down with us for a bit.”

Seb nodded, so they settled themselves on the bed, Teddy lying between them, only slowly relaxing enough to stop holding onto Mark. Seb and Mark looked at one other over the top of their son’s head.

“What time is it back home?” asked Sebastian.

Mark looked at his watch and puffed a long breath.

“Quarter past six in the morning.”

Seb sighed and closed his eyes. No wonder Teddy was out of sorts. As he took a deep breath he reopened his eyes he looked down to see their son appeared to be falling asleep. Right when he would normally be waking up at home. He looked back to Mark who gave him a little smile and reached over to stroke Seb’s cheek.

“I think we just go with the flow for a couple of days,” he proposed.

Sebastian nodded.

“Are you tired?” he enquired.

“Mm, kinda. Shouldn’t have had that coffee Mum offered.”

Seb huffed a little laugh, unsure whether he had been right or wrong to decline it.

“I’m tired,” he admitted.

“Yeah. Have a rest.”

“Is he okay here?”

Mark smiled. He really ought to scoop Teddy up to put him in his cot, but he looked so peaceful where he was and Mark honestly couldn't be doing with another battle if their son woke.

“He’s fine darling. I’ll keep an eye on him. I don’t think I can sleep.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. You rest sweetheart. We can take it in turns.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and nodded into the pillow. Sebastian would have been surprised how quickly he joined their son in sleep once he closed his eyes, except  of course by then  he was too busy sleeping. Mark stretched out beside them, glad at least of a properly comfortable place to do so after the confines of the plane for so many hours. The window was open and though the air was warm, there was at least a breeze blowing in. The pillow was soft, he had his family safe with him, and this would do for now.

  


Sure enough Teddy woke his parents at regular intervals through the night. They couldn't blame him, particularly seeing as they too were dealing with jetlag, but by Sunday both Seb and Mark were more tired than ever. Thankfully they had the day free to do nothing more  energetic than sit in the garden, letting Teddy’s grandparents enjoy entertaining him with some of the toys they had brought. As their son delighted Diane and Alan by tottering between them, Mark and Seb relaxed in garden chairs, content to watch  while Teddy seem ed equally happy just to look over and be sure they were there.

“You know I almost forgot it’s New Year’s Eve today,” admitted Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“You forgot it’s Teddy’s birthday tomorrow?”

“No, I just… I dunno, I think I forgot what day we’re up to.”

“Ah.” Seb smiled and leaned over to kiss his cheek. “I know what you mean Liebling.”

“We did kindof lose a day.”

“True.”

Just then Teddy toddled over, so Sebastian lifted him up, feeling his skin to see if it was too hot. He readjusted his sunhat and turned to Mark.

“Do you think he needs more sunscreen on?”

Mark smiled.

“After an hour?”

Sebastian scrunched his nose then let out a breath, knowing he shouldn’t get too paranoid.

“Do you boys want a drink?” offered Diane.

Mark smiled at the implication that term included all three of them.

“Thanks Mum.”

Alan pulled up a chair and sat with them, Diane returning shortly with a tray of cold drinks, Teddy’s cup filled with water. Seb tried offering it to him, but Teddy was in no mood to hold it, only letting his father feed him a little before pushing it away and snuffling into him.

“I think I should get him a bottle,” decided Seb.

“I can do it,” offered Diane.

“It’s fine.”

Before she could offer again, Seb was up and off into the kitchen. Diane watched him take Teddy inside, then looked to Mark who shrugged, his mother merely nodding back. When Seb returned to sit feeding the baby he only got half way through before Teddy fell asleep in his arms. Seb lifted the bottle away and turned to Mark.

“I’m gonna go put him down.”

“Okay.”

 

Once he was gone Diane sighed to her son.

“We were having such a nice play.”

“Sorry.”

“Oh no dear. Quite understandable.”

Mark looked at his watch and huffed a laugh.

“Ironically he usually has his morning nap around now anyway.”

“Perhaps it’s no bad thing he’s out of the sun.”

“Mm.”

Mark sent a glance skyward. Not a cloud up there and it was already pretty hot at nearly eleven am.

 

When Seb came back out a few minutes later he had the monitor with him, setting it on the grass by their feet in the absence of anywhere better.

“At least he went down straight-away,” Seb informed them.

Mark nodded.

“You need a nap too?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“I’m gonna tough it out.”

“Righto.”

Sebastian looked to his hosts.

“Sorry, I don’t think we’re going to be up to much today.”

“Don’t worry about it,” assured Diane.

Alan smiled and shook his head.

“I’m neither use nor ornament first day whenever we’ve come to see you and Mark. Jetleg really is a…”

“Thank you Alan,” interrupted his wife, anticipating what his next word would be.

Alan chuckled as his wife sighed.

“We’ll be fine by tomorrow,” assured Mark. “I mean I’m sure Teddy will just need to sleep when he needs to, but enough to make a good showing at his party.”

Diane brightened up immediately.

“Oh, now then, your sister says they’ll be here for half eleven, so we’ve plenty of time to get things started. Your father needs to clean the barbecue this afternoon, and I’m going to nip to the supermarket to pick up some extras, but you don’t need to come, so…”

Mark sat back, letting his mother run on about all her plans. He nodded occasionally, mostly hoping that she wouldn't take offence if he just fell asleep where he sat.

  


 

They had to admit that it qualified as the most uneventful of New Year’s Eves that they had spent together. Having spent the day veering between struggling to stay awake and being too alert when trying to rest, by midnight Seb and Mark felt thoroughly all over the place. They sat with Mark’s parents to watch the fireworks go off over the Sydney harbour bridge on TV, then called it a night. As they stood in their bedroom checking on their son, Mark stroked over Seb’s arm and leaned in to kiss him.

“Happy New Year darling.”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Happy New Year Liebling. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

“This last year, I know it’s been tricky at times, but it really has been the best of my life.”

Mark pulled Seb in for a hug.

“Mine too. Absolutely sweetheart, the best. Think we’ll be doing well to top it next year but I reckon we can give it a good go.”

Seb smiled and nodded. There were going to be new challenges, but there was so much they had to look forward to. Things they probably hadn’t even thought of yet. Sebastian looked back to Teddy sleeping in his cot, thinking a year back how they had no idea that they were about to receive the greatest gift of all. He took a deep breath and gave Mark a little smile as he out his arm around him.

“Happy birthday kiddo.”

“I suppose technically with the time difference he wasn’t born yet.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Guess so.”

Sebastian leaned more into him, unable to stop himself thinking about all that had happened when their son had been born. He sighed and looked to Mark.

“Liebling what will we tell him?”

“Tell him?”

“About where he came from.”

“Hm? Oh. Well, I think we just have to be straight from the off darling. We tell him he’s adopted and we couldn't love him more.”

Seb gave him a smile for that.

“Yes, of course that, but… What about his mother?”

“Ah.” Mark glanced down to the sleeping baby wondering how it would be to grow up never having a mother. “We just have to tell him the truth.”

Seb nodded.

“Won’t that be upsetting for him?”

“Sweetheart Rachel’s always said that the best thing is to be honest as possible with children about their origins.”

“Yeah.”

Mark reached with his spare hand to stroke at Seb’s temple.

“He’s too little yet, but when he can talk I guess he’ll ask questions and we’ll just have to answer them.”

“I don’t want him to feel different.”

Mark took in a breath. Their son _was_ going to be different. There was no real way of avoiding that.

“All we can do darling is make him feel as secure and loved as possible,” he asserted. “Not every kid grows up in a family with mum, dad, and 2.4 kids. I don’t think our Teddy’s doing too badly.”

“No of course not Liebling. You’re right, we just have to let it be a background fact I guess, make sure he knows how much we wanted him.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Yeah.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“It’ll be alright won’t it?”

“Yes. It will.”

 

Seb huffed a laugh at how solidly Mark said that. Always so reassuring. Mark gave him a smile and kissed Seb again.

“C’mon sweetheart, big day tomorrow. We should try to get some sleep.”

Sebastian nodded back then pushed up to give Mark a kiss too.

“Happy New Year Liebling,” he repeated.

“Happy New Year.”

The got ready for bed and climbed in, almost surprised at Teddy sleeping so well, though they had tried to give him lots of exercise in the afternoon to wear him out and it did seem that he was reacting reasonably well to the changes in night and day, even if it surely confused him as much as it did his parents.

Thankfully they too managed a better night than their previous one, Teddy waking them only once and going back down after a bottle and a cuddle so they all got a decent amount of sleep to set them up for the next day.

  


 

  


When Leanne and her family arrived on what was both New Year’s Day and Teddy’s first birthday, they were a little disappointed to discover that the guest of honour was asleep upstairs having a nap, but they consoled themselves by catching up as a family, as well as working to get everything set up for the barbecue. When Teddy finally woke and was brought down to join them they all went to sit outside to give him his presents. Alan had set up a large parasol with a couple of rugs set beneath it for them to gather on seeing as by late morning the weather was already hot. 

The girls both volunteered to hold Teddy on their knee, but after his nap Teddy was back in clingy mode and refused to leave Mark’s arms.

“Sorry,” Mark apologised as he resettled Teddy in his lap. “Still waking up I reckon.”

 

They started giving the little boy his presents, Mark joking that Teddy would now expect that this was how life was now; every couple of days people inundated him with gifts.

“He’s gonna be disappointed with things from now on.”

“Aw he’s got so many presents though,” added Seb. “Everyone’s so generous. Thank you.”

“Yeah thanks guys,” nodded Mark as Teddy played with a brightly coloured stacking toy his grandparents had given him.

“Did you give him yours earlier?” asked Leanne.

“Hm? Oh, no we thought we’d wait until you were here.”

“I’ll go get it,” offered Seb.

He returned a minute later with a largeish gift bag, setting it in the middle of the rug where the whole family sat.

“That’s a good idea, commented Diane, “he can play with the bag after.”

Mark huffed a laugh thinking that was why they had chosen such a shinily patterned one.

“Actually he’ll doubtless play with it more than what we’ve got him.”

“It’s not a toy,” explained Seb. “He’s already got so many toys.”

“Go on then,” prompted Alan.

 

Sebastian sent Mark a smile and slowly pulled out what looked like a large hardback book, but as he opened it up to show their son, the family realised that it was actually an album, filled with photographs and notes about Teddy’s first year, right from when they brought him home to Christmas only a week ago.

“There’s a few empty pages at the end we can add in,” pointed out Mark.

“So we can include this you see,” added Seb.

Teddy patted at the pages as they showed him, occasionally seeming to look at the pictures as Seb and Mark told him that it showed him at his christening or just playing in their garden on his slide and swing. They passed it on so the rest could look, Mark’s parents smiling to see that they had made sure to include pictures of all family from when they had visited.

“He looks so cute in his paddling pool,” commented Ryan.

“Yeah he loved that didn’t you mate?” smiled Mark.

“Oh hey I think we’ve still got our old paddling pool,” Dean realised. “Love do you think it’s still in one piece?”

Leanne shrugged, trying to remember when Ryan had last played in it.

“It’s a couple of years at least since we had it out.”

“I tell you what, I’ll check it and if it’s still in good nick we could set it up in our garden so you could come over for an afternoon in the week,” offered Dean. “You’d help your cousin play in the pool wouldn't you guys?”

Getting enthusiastic responses, Seb and Mark promised that they would bring Teddy over.

“We brought the swimsuit you got him,” stated Sebastian.

“Oh good,” smiled Leanne. “I thought it might be useful.”

“We really should go put more sunscreen on him.”

Seb caught Mark’s eye and knew he was fussing when their son was safely in the shade right now. Mark in turn tried not to smile, knowing that his husband’s near obsession with this was based entirely on wanting to keep their son safe.

“Maybe in a bit,” Sebastian amended.

 

Leanne had the album now, looking through it and showing her husband.

“We did one like this for ours only we stuck the photos in ourselves. I wonder where they’ve got to?”

“I think they’re in the dining room cupboard.”

“I should look them out.” Leanne smiled to her children. “Remind myself of when you were this little.”

“Ryan’s still little,” teased Jemma.

“I’m not.”

Leanne gave them a look to behave and both dropped it, knowing they’d be in trouble if they spoiled a family occasion by squabbling. She let Jemma take the album and as her daughter got to the end and flipped it closed she smiled and showed her sister the front; in addition to the embossed title; ‘My First Year’ there was the picture of a little teddy-bear in the corner.

“That’s sweet,” commented Abbey. “A teddy-bear for Teddy.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“We’re nothing if not subtle.”

“I like it,” asserted Seb.

Mark laughed and kissed his cheek.

“Me too. Right, I guess if everyone’s had a look I’d better put it safe inside before it gets ketchup or something on it.”

“Put it in the lounge,” suggested his mother. “I’d like to look at it again later.”

“Righto.” Mark smiled to Teddy. “You gonna go to one of your cousins?”

“Sit with me,” asserted Ryan quickly before his sisters could claim him.

 

Mark huffed a laugh and lifted Teddy over. The little boy frowned at the older boy, but Ryan smiled at him.

“Hey Teddy you remember me don’t you? I’m Ryan. Your cousin.”

Teddy looked back to his parents, a little uncertain, then back to Ryan.

“Hi Teddy,” grinned Ryan, giving him a wave.

“Hi.”

His sisters gasped as the baby gave a little wave back, Seb and Mark laughing.

“We’ve been working on that all week,” Sebastian explained.

“He’s not said hi to me,” complained Diane.

Mark could only shrug.

“He’s a bit hit and miss.”

“I think he’s still adjusting to the time difference,” offered Seb. “He got a much better sleep last night.”

“Ah well that explains it,” Leanne agreed.

“Bit more with it now are you Teddy?” smiled her husband.

 

As Mark got up to put the album away his mother rose with him, tidying away wrapping paper  to take in . Ryan was playing a game with his sisters, all of them trying to get their little cousin to wave and repeat ‘hi’ as they said it, seeming to find it as endlessly amusing as Teddy did. 

Stepping inside Mark put an arm around his mother.

“Sorry Mum we should have tried to get him to say it for you. Not sure Seb and I have been with it much so far either.”

“Oh no, it’s fine. He’s coming on so well isn’t he?”

Mark held the album up.

“Unbelievable how tiny he was. We did this online and you have to put little dates and captions in with the photos and it’s just crazy how fast it’s gone.”

His mother smiled at him.

“It is. Only five minutes ago it was you sat on my knee playing in that garden.”

Mark huffed a laugh, but his mother shook her head.

“You’re right to treasure it dear. One day you’re toddling around the garden not wanting to let go of my hand and the next you’re off to school. Barely a blink in between.”

His mother looked a little emotional so Mark put the book down on the table and gave her a hug. As he let her go Diane took a deep breath and shook her head.

“Silly. Right, I need to sort out some more drinks. When you go out ask your father if he wants the meat brining out for the barbecue yet.”

Mark nodded.

“Sure.”

  


On returning outside Mark passed the message to his father, then bobbed back to tell his mother they were a way off cooking before offering to take one of the trays of drinks out, setting it on the table else Teddy knocked them everywhere. Mark offered Teddy his cup to drink, then got his and Seb’s drinks so he could sit with him.

The two of them contenting themselves with watching their son playing with yet more new toys, Leanne teasing her children that they were enjoying them just as much as Teddy was. Ryan had also brought over a soft football for his cousin to play with and after playing rolling it to and fro where they sat, he stood, showing Teddy how to kick it.

“If you hold him Jem I reckon we could teach him to play,” asserted Ryan.

“Um, I think he’s really going to need more sunscreen on if he’s on the grass,” decided Seb.

Mark nodded and went to scoop Teddy up.

“Back in a mo guys. Oh and if you hear screaming don’t worry, that’s just standard.”

His sister laughed as Dean sent Mark a wink.

“That’s just from you, right mate?”

“Pretty much,” agreed Mark.

 

Once they were gone Ryan sat back down looking disappointed to have lost his playmate.

“They’ll be back in a minute,” assured his father.

“Teddy’s not used to the sun like you are,” Leanne added. “And he’s just a baby still so he needs lots of protection on.”

Ryan nodded, then looked up as he heard a wail coming through an open upstairs window.

“I thought they were kidding.”

“Ha, you should’ve seen the fuss you used to make.”

Ryan shrugged, so his father patted his arm.

“C’mon, let’s go see if we can help your granddad and you can play with your little mate when he’s back.”

 

Teddy spent what seemed like most of the afternoon being encouraged to say ‘hi’ to each and every one of his relatives as often as possible. This was broken up only by eating, drinking and his cousins attempting to teach him how to play football. Mark and Seb watched as their nephew and nieces helped Teddy to stand so he could make an effort to kick haphazardly at the ball. Despite it really being far too big for him, Teddy managed it reasonably well, Abbey hitting on the idea that if she stood holding him under the arms she could actually give him a little swing to let the baby knock the ball with both feet. 

It seemed to amuse all of them, Teddy particularly enjoying clapping himself each time and being indulged by pretty much everyone else applauding him until he eventually tired. After trying to stand on his own as the ball came towards him, Teddy toppled into it instead of kicking it and instantly burst into hysterical tears. Jemma was picking him up, trying to apologise for letting Teddy go, but as Seb and Mark came to take him Mark reassured her it wasn’t her fault.

“He’s just tired.”

Seb was stood, rubbing over Teddy’s back at the same time as trying to check his knees weren’t scraped, but seeing as it was soft grass he had landed on, there was really no harm done.

“Bit hot I think now,” he added.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark. “Don’t worry Jem. He falls over all the time.” Mark looked to Teddy and wiped his cheeks. “Dontcha mate? Hm? A bit hot and bothered as well.”

“I’ll take him up for a nap,” decided Seb.

Mark nodded, then looked to his nephew and nieces who were watching their still crying cousin being taken inside.

“Guys really, he just gets this way when he’s overtired. Bet you he’ll be asleep in a minute or two.”

Getting nods back Mark went to sit with his sister.

“Bless em they looked so worried,” he smiled.

“They’re not used to babies.”

“Mm.” Mark shook his head. “Ah he’s a funny little thing. One time he can fall flat on his face and he just picks himself up, another time it’s the tiniest stumble and it’s full-on howling the place down.”

Leanne smiled and nodded.

“I remember it well.”

“Ha.”

 

Mark let out a long sigh and lay back on the blanket, gazing up at the blue sky above. He could hear a fainter noise of Teddy fussing up in their room and wondered if he should go to help, but then it ebbed away and he guessed Teddy had settled down. A few minutes later Seb joined him on the rug and Mark sat up.

“Alright?”

“Yep, just took a while to calm down.”

Sebastian set the monitor down by them and Mark was tempted to say that they would surely hear him through the open window, but he didn’t bother. His sister had gone to sit at the table talking to their mother, so they had the rug to themselves, Seb and Mark both lying back to have a moment. Seb let out a long yawn as he stretched out and Mark laughed.

“You gonna fall asleep too?”

“Trying not to.”

“Yeah.” Mark yawned as well, then laughed. “Oh dear. It’s catching.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and leaned into him, resting his head on Mark’s chest as he too looked up to the clear sky. He let out a long sigh, then allowed himself to close his eyes thinking how lovely it was to be so warm with just enough breeze to make it comfortable. Perfect.

  


Once they had eaten again later in the day Diane brought out the cake she had baked for Teddy’s birthday: iced in white with a blue ‘1’ piped on top, complete with one candle which Alan lit so they could sing to him. Teddy sat on Sebastian’s knee, the cake placed a safe distance away and Mark snuck a couple of pictures as their little boy gazed at the light, not really understanding what was going on. At the end everybody clapped and Teddy joined in, pleased as ever to be the centre of attention.

“He needs to blow it out,” asserted Alan.

Mark huffed a laugh, knowing that was way beyond their son, but Sebastian stood and lifted Teddy a fraction closer as he did the job for him.

“Now then, everyone’ll have some won’t they?” asserted Diane confidently.

Leanne took out the candle ready for the cake to be cut, then moved the pile of small plates, passing them in turn so her mother could start doling out portions. The kids eagerly dug in, but as Diane handed plates to Seb and Mark with an extra for Teddy, she saw a hesitation on their part.

“You can’t be on a diet for your son’s birthday,” she asserted.

“Um, no Mum, thanks. Looks really nice,” assured Mark.

He glanced to Seb who was eyeing the piece of cake assigned for their son and knew it wasn’t  _their_ diet he was thinking of.

“Just a little bit?” he proposed quietly.

Sebastian nodded, knowing he was in danger of not only being too uptight about what their son ate, but of offending his mother-in-law, especially when she had gone to the effort of making this herself. He pulled the plate forwards and lifted Teddy a little higher.

“Your grandma made this for you Schatz. Isn’t that kind?”

 

Mark gave him a smile and Seb smiled back, setting his shoulders back a little. Both he and Mark ate some of their cake and Teddy watched them before reaching for his own, mostly squashing his little fingers into the sponge to crumble it up. Mark picked up a small bit and offered it to him, Teddy opening his mouth as his father popped it in. The little boy seemed to consider the taste in his mouth before looking at them.

“Nice huh?” smiled Mark.

Teddy closed his fist around the bit of cake, getting sponge and jam on his fingers before lifting it to his mouth and sucking on them.

“Like a bit of cake don’t you sunshine?” praised Alan.

Sebastian was eating a little of his own piece, letting Teddy mostly mess about with his, getting crumbs on his chin and down his t-shirt. Mark meanwhile caught his sister’s eye and with just a fractional rise of her eyebrow knew she had guessed exactly what was going through their minds.

“It’s really lovely Di, thank you,” Seb offered.

“Oh well, just a simple sponge,” she smiled, clearly pleased.

Sebastian smiled, then looked down at his son, trying not to let it show that he was glad that Teddy was mostly playing with his food and only tasting a bit of it. He felt Mark’s hand touch his thigh and sent him a smile too, Mark smiling back before returning to fussing over Teddy, both of them knowing that there were more important things to worry about than their son having just a little bit of sugar for once.

 

“We should have put a bib on him.”

“Never mind.” Mark licked his thumb, used it to clean a stubborn bit of jam stuck by Teddy’s mouth, then laughed. “And I officially just became my mother.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” demanded Diane.

Mark smiled at his mum.

“Nothing. Thanks for everything today it’s been really great hasn’t it sweetheart?”

“Yes, lovely, thank you,” concurred Sebastian.

“What are you guys doing tomorrow?” enquired Dean.

“Oh not much I don’t think.”

“I thought we could just take Teddy for a walk to the park. It’s got a playground hasn’t it Mum?”

“Yes they revamped it a couple of years ago.”

“Ah there we go then. That sound okay?” Mark asked Seb.

“Yep, good. Maybe early on before it gets too hot?”

“Sure.” Mark looked back to his parents. “You could come if you’re not busy?”

“We’ve no plans,” assured his father.

 

Leanne having just nipped inside, returned and asked what they were discussing, so they started laying out more ideas for what things they could do together through the week.

“Jemma do you want to take Teddy to have a play on the rug?” proposed Mark. He looked to Seb, “get him to use up his energy.”

Sebastian nodded and as the three youngsters got up from the table he passed Teddy to his eldest niece.

“Just don’t bounce him when he’s eaten or it’s likely to come back up again.”

“Huh?”

“He means Teddy will upchuck on you,” clarified Mark.

“Oh.”

Both Mark and Seb smiled at the unimpressed look on her face, but she took the baby and went with the others to sit on the rug under the parasol, offering Teddy his toys to entertain him while the adults sat firming up plans for while Mark and Seb were visiting.

  
  


Once the rest of the family left, Seb and Mark didn’t last an awful lot later past when they had put their son to bed before they went up themselves. Sebastian sat down on the bed with a puff and looked to Mark.

“I didn’t offend your mum did I?”

“What, wanting to have an early night?”

“No, the cake.”

“Oh, nah sweetheart.”

“You said Leanne noticed.”

“Well yeah but that’s Leanne,” shrugged Mark. “I’ve always presumed she’s at least partially psychic.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help smiling.

“You mean she knows you too well.”

“You too.”

“Mm.”

“It’s fine sweetheart, really.”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“I know I’m uptight about Teddy, putting sunscreen on him and not letting him eat stuff.”

“Stuff that’s bad for him.”

“Well yeah. But I know a birthday cake is different and she baked it herself. I’d feel horrible if she thought we didn’t appreciate it.”

Mark put his arm around Seb.

“Darling she doesn’t think that.”

“I know I should relax more about things.”

Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart it’s fine. You only want the best for our son.”

“Mm.” Seb rubbed at his face. “It was kind of her.”

“Course it was.”

“And homemade is better than bought,” asserted Seb. “At least we know it wasn’t full of preservatives and even more sugar.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Yeah that’s true.”

Sebastian looked over to Teddy sleeping in his travel cot.

“I am trying to be less uptight.”

Mark shook his head.

“I’m just the same.”

“Okay.”

“Okay then.”

 

He leaned in and brushed his nose against Seb’s; always a surefire way to get him to smile.

“Bed, and no more worrying about anything,” he asserted.

Sebastian nodded.

“Okay.”

“We’ll just have a nice chilled out day tomorrow, let Mum push him on the swings and hang out in the garden when we get back.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Great. Oh dear.” 

Mark yawned uncontrollably and Seb laughed.

“Bed then?”

“Yep,” agreed Mark.

  


  


  


After a simpler day on the Monday Seb and Mark were starting to feel better adjusted to both the time difference and the temperature. Teddy had actually slept through the night into Tuesday, so seeing as they were felling more lively, Mark suggested they make an effort and go to one of the nearby national parks. He asked if his parents wanted to come with them, but it seemed rather more energetic than they had in mind, so he and Seb set out in their hire car after breakfast, Teddy in his seat in the back kept occupied by a selection of toys strewn beside him.

When they reached their destination it already felt far hotter than any time since they had arrived in Australia and even Mark wondered if they had made a mistake bringing Teddy out here, but on looking at the trail map he  managed to  pick out one that seemed almost entirely undercover of trees.

“He’ll be in the shade,” asserted Mark.

“Okay. Do you think buggy or carrier?”

Mark looked at the rough paths leading away from the dusty car-park and smiled. He had already thought Seb was optimistic putting the running buggy in the boot even if it did have better suspension than a normal pushchair.

“Carrier,” he asserted. “He’s big enough to try it the other way now, so if you’re alright with the backpack I’ll have him.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

Mark smiled at Teddy currently held in Seb’s arms.

“Have a piggy-pack with Daddy, yeah?”

“Dadad,” replied Teddy.

Mark nodded.

“See, he’s up for it.”

Sebastian looked to the map board again. The trail Mark had pointed out was listed at the side as: ‘Easy, est 40mins’, which sounded reasonable enough.

 

Within a few minutes Seb was helping fit Teddy in the carrier now set on Mark’s back instead of his front. It was a bit tricky when they weren’t used to it, but Teddy looked happy sat there so Sebastian fitted on his sunhat, fixing the long flap at the back so it covered his neck and went over the top of his little t-shirt. He knew it might be unlikely, but Seb was reassured to think that if anything fell out from the tree branches above at least it would be deflected away and not into their son’s clothes.

“We good?” asked Mark.

“Yep.”

Sebastian pulled on the backpack and gave them both a smile.

“It’s signposted, right?” he checked.

“Yep says so. Looks a pretty clear path,” assured Mark.

“Sure.”

“Just a short loop, see what we see.”

 

Sebastian nodded and they set off. Within a couple of minutes it was apparent that their buggy would not have coped with the bumpy path. Both Seb and Mark had worn their walking boots with long shorts and it definitely seemed to be the right call as even an ‘easy’ route required a bit of effort as the terrain varied, going ever slightly uphill.

“You know over this way is going towards what they call the Australian Alps,” explained Mark.

“Alps? Really?”

“Well it’s hilly certainly. Not sure it exactly compares.”

Seb nodded. The rough woodland they were walking through didn’t remind him much of Alpine scenery, but it was nice to get back to nature, even if he did find himself looking around in case there was a deadly snake or spider lurking somewhere.

“You know Liebling this reminds me of when we had our little camping trip.”

“Ha, yeah.”

Sebastian slipped a hand into Mark’s.

“Don’t spose we’d fancy camping with Teddy.”

Mark smiled at him, then turned his head to try to see their son.

“Bet you’d have fun.”

“I’m not sure I’d be able to relax with campfires and stuff.”

“Mozzies in the evenings for starters,” agreed Mark.

“Huh?”

“Mosquitoes.”

“Oh. No that wouldn't be good.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Little outings for now.”

“Yeah.”

“And one day he can come mountain biking.”

“Ha, once he’s mastered his trike.”

“Exactly.” Mark tried to see his son again. “You’d be up for that wouldn't you kiddo? Hurtling downhill on a bike giving your parents heart failure.”

Sebastian smiled, thankful for now that they had their son safely contained where he could come to no harm.

  


The looped track took them to a ridge overlooking where the plain opened up to grassy plains, the soil red and dry and only peppered by rough sprigs of hardy gorse and the toughest of grasses. Teddy had felt quite a weight on the steepest part of the track up here so Mark asked Seb to lift him out, Seb keeping him safely held on his knee where they sat down on convenient fallen tree with just a little shade provide from the woodland behind while the sun was still in the ascendant. They all had a drink and they offered Teddy some fruit from one of the tubs in the backpack.

“You want me to take him on the way down?” offered Seb.

“Can do.”

Sebastian nodded, then huffed a laugh.

“No bad thing we can take the buggy round the zoo tomorrow.”

“Ha, yeah. Plus we can stick all our stuff under it,” agreed Mark.

Seb looked down to Teddy.

“You’re gonna love the zoo Schatz and all the family are coming.”

Mark smiled.

“We probably won’t actually be required to push the buggy all day you know.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“That’s alright.” He looked at his watch. “Only half ten.”

Mark nodded.

“Bit quicker heading down probably.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Sorry Liebling, I get the easy option.”

“Nah that’s alright.”

“Will you hold my hand if there’s steep bits?”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“Course.”

  


They left it a while, then set themselves up to follow the rest of the path on downhill, trusting that it would take them back to where they had started as promised. The path wasn’t too steep, but in places there were steps comprised of largeish boulders where Seb did indeed require a helping hand to feel secure whilst he carried their son. When they got back to the car and Mark helped lift Teddy out to stand by them holding onto their legs, Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“What?” asked Mark.

“No it’s silly, just, I was worrying about seeing, I dunno, dangerous bugs and stuff and then I guess I was...”

“Disappointed not to?”

“No not, I dunno. The landscape is interesting and we’ll see wildlife tomorrow.”

Mark smiled.

“I think if there was anything around in there it was probably hiding from us.”

“I suppose so.”

Mark ducked down and picked Teddy up.

“Actually Leanne recommended another place just a bit further on where they have lots of things to look at.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah it’s another national park, but a bit more… I dunno, she said they did talks and stuff, had rangers to show you what was around.”

“That sounds good.”

“I don’t think you’re guaranteed to see anything, but might be worth a trip?”

“Sure. What about Friday?”

Mark nodded, then smiled to Teddy.

“Lots of trips for you bud.”

Teddy leaned more into him, resting his head down on his father’s shoulder, so Mark lifted off his cap and kissed his forehead. Short stints only with their little one to look after. Home for lunch and an afternoon with the grandparents. That would do them today. Barely eleven am and Teddy already looked done.

“Have a nap in the car mate.”

  


  


  


The next day involved another fairly early start as they drove north-west towards the capital. To save on them all taking cars, Mark’s parents were in with them seeing as the hire-car had the baby-seat fitted. Diane insisted on sitting in the centre beside Teddy, Seb squashed alongside her whilst Mark drove, his father getting the passenger seat. It was more than a little cosy, but thankfully it took less than forty minutes to get there. They were only half-way through organising themselves and putting Teddy in his buggy when Mark’s phone rang with his sister telling them they were here and asking where they had parked so they could meet up.

Before long the whole tribe were inside the gates, unfolding paper maps to study where they ought to go first. Sebastian fought the urge to worry about there being any great plan for the day, particularly when there were so many of them in the group. So long as Teddy got to see lots of animals and they enjoyed the day, that was all that mattered.

“We should go see the giraffes,” asserted Abbey. “They’re the coolest.”

Her mother looked up from consulting the map and raised her eyebrows.

“Abbey you’re sixteen.”

“So?”

“And you’ve been here plenty of times. I think we should go with what Teddy wants to see.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I don’t think Teddy really has a preference.”

“He’ll like giraffes,” insisted Abbey.

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“That’s right on the other side Abbey,” asserted Dean. “I reckon we just do a good wander, follow the paths around, see where they take us. If we’re missing out on anything we can have a look for them later.”

“There we go,” agreed Alan. “Lead on then.”

As Diane took the pushchair Mark walked alongside Seb, leaning in to whisper in his ear.

“Like trying to get cats on parade.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh. Today they were definitely just going to have to go with the flow.

 

  


As they crossed over a wooden bridge to see some tigers Mark lifted Teddy out so he could see properly, then hung onto him as they walked around the path, watching Teddy as he in turn seemed to be carefully watching the big cat prowling around his large enclosure. Then as the tiger leapt up onto some logs to play, Teddy equally leapt into his father, burying his face in his shoulder, making both him and Seb laugh.

“He’s not gonna get you darling,” Mark assured him. “Safely behind the fence.”

Teddy still clung onto him though, so they walked on around, finding the far less threatening wombats for him to look at. Thus calmed, they put him back in his pushchair to go on to where they could find some  more  of the native animals here. Mark smiled as they reached the kangaroos and wallabies, amused to see how Seb was just as excited, if not more than their son. He stood holding Teddy, beaming from ear to ear as the little boy laughed at seeing the animals hop along.

“Do you think you could do that mate?” Mark teased Teddy. “Hm? You go hop-along like a roo?”

“Dada.”

“Yeah.”

“I can do that,” offered Ryan. “Look Teddy, do you want to be a roo like me?”

The rest of the family watched with barely suppressed hysterics as the teenager hopped along the pathway with his feet together before he did an about turn and jumped back to them.

“Oh my god Ryan,” grinned his sister.

Teddy however clapped his little hands and his cousin stood up by him, triumphant.

“See, Teddy’s impressed.”

“Course he is,” agreed Mark. “That was a good effort Ryan.”

“Cheers.”

“Don’t think he’s quite up to copying you yet though.”

“Oh. Oh well. Can I push his buggy for a bit?”

Mark chuckled and looked to Seb who put Teddy back in for his cousin to push on.

“See, willing assistance,” commented Mark.

“Never so helpful to us,” Dean noted.

 

Getting a little ahead of them Ryan leaned around to the front of the pushchair, exchanging something with Teddy before standing and beginning to pick up pace and breaking into a run.

“Ryan!” called his mother.

Her son came to a halt, his shoulders sagging as he turned around.

“What?”

“Don’t run with Teddy.”

“He likes it.”

They caught him up and Leanne shook her head.

“You have to be careful with him.” She looked to Seb and Mark. “Sorry.”

Mark looked in at their son who seemed quite happy where he was strapped in.

“We pretty much run with him every day.”

“Oh don’t tell him that.”

“See!” grinned Ryan.

“I’ll push him,” asserted Jemma. “I won’t run.”

Ryan sighed, but he could see the look his mother was giving him, so he let go of the handle and allowed his sister to take over.

 

“Shame your brother couldn't come,” he commented to Seb as they walked along.

Sebastian smiled.

“He’s back at uni.”

“Oh. Jemma’s going to uni soon.”

“Yes she was telling me.” 

Mark patted Seb’s arm.

“Check this out.”

“What’s that?”

“A Tasmanian Devil.”

Sebastian gawked at the animal, then it opened its mouth and let out a loud cry.

“Whoa!”

Mark chuckled.

“Yep.”

“Look at those teeth!”

Mark laughed at the astonishment on his husband’s face and put his arm around him.

“Wouldn’t mess with it would you?”

“I was going to say it was cute, but my god.”

“Quite.”

  


The continued on around, Teddy being lifted out when he showed most interest in an exciting animal and content to be pushed about in-between. When they reached the giraffes and zebras however, the look of pure captivation on Teddy’s face was unmistakable.

“What about this eh?” smiled Alan to his grandson as his wife held him, Teddy pointing at the tall-necked animals walking before him as if nobody would notice them without his drawing their attention to them.

“Doh-doh!” he called.

Mark stood the other side and chubbed Teddy’s cheek.

“What’s he saying?” asked Alan.

Mark shrugged a shoulder, then as Teddy repeated the noise, he watched him.

“I think dog,” he interpreted. “They’re not doggies darling. Giraffes and zebras.”

“Dohh!”

Mark smiled and looked to Seb.

“I’m not sure he’s distinguishing,” Seb commented. “Maybe he thinks all animals are called dogs?”

“Maybe.”

Gi- _rafff_ ,” tried Diane. “Can you say that Teddy sweetheart?”

“I think that might be ambitious Mum.”

Diane looked back to her grandson.

“Shall we say hi to them?” she decided, hitching him into one arm so she could wave for him to copy. “Hi Mr Giraffe, hi Mr Zebra. Hi!”

“Hi!” called Teddy.

His grandmother beamed at hearing that high-pitched little voice, so she waved again.

“Hi!”

“Hi,” repeated Teddy.

Soon half the family were waving to the animals, getting Teddy to do the same and say hi as well.

“I said he’d like them,” commented Abbey sotto voce, towards the end of the row.

Her father smiled to her.

“If he can get them to wave back I’ll be more impressed.”

Abbey rolled her eyes as he grinned. Her father always thought he was hilarious.

  


They carried on, both Teddy and Seb getting quite excited to see Koalas climbing their gum trees just like in the pictures they had seen.

“Now they _are_ cute,” smiled Seb.

“Sharp claws,” pointed out Mark. “How do you think that hang on to the branches?”

“Hm, but still.”

Mark nodded.

“Yes okay, they are pretty cute,” he conceded.

He looked over to see their son being held up to look by his father, Ryan to the side telling his young cousin all about the creatures despite Teddy giving no indication he was listening. The pair of them stepped closer, Seb leaning in to see how fascinated their son was by the animals now happily hanging beneath a branch while they considered their next move.

“You like these don’t you mate?” smiled Mark.

“Dada.”

“Mm.”

“Koala bears like you’re a bear,” noted Seb.

“Actually Uncle Seb, koalas aren’t bears, they’re marsupials,” Ryan informed him.

Mark tried not to laugh at how authoritative his young nephew sounded.

“Quite right,” he agreed.

Sebastian was peering over at the information plaque to the side.

“Are they? Huh,” he nodded.

“They do look like bears,” assured Ryan. “I was just telling Teddy.”

Mark patted him on the back.

“Good lad. I’m sure he’ll tell us all about it later.”

Ryan knew he was being teased, but he went back to pointing things out to his cousin, gratified at least that Teddy seemed to be looking where he pointed.

  


As it was getting later in the morning the zoo was getting busier, so as another group came to look they moved on, Teddy accepting being returned to his pushchair as yet another member of the family volunteered to push him along. Arriving at the meerkats Seb went to lift Teddy out to take a look, then smiled up to his mother-in-law at the helm.

“He’s dropped off.”

“Oh.” Diane came around to look at her grandson sleeping where he sat. “Ah dear.”

“Must be your smooth pushing style Mum,” teased Mark. “Um, I think we might find a shady spot to sit for a while with him. You guys can go on and we’ll catch up.”

“Oh no I could do with a sit down,” insisted Diane.

“Me too,” Alan agreed.

“There’s benches over that way,” pointed out Leanne.

Mark looked up to see a grassy picnic area under some trees and nodded approval.

“Cheers.”

“Why don’t we grab some coffees and all have a break?”

“I’ll go,” volunteered Dean. “I know where the café is. Kids you want an ice-cream or a drink?”

 

All three decided to go with him, even Jemma who ignored her father teasing asking if she was too old for ice-creams now.

“Never too old for an ice-cream,” asserted Alan as he took a seat at a picnic bench beside his wife. “Jemma my love can you get your old granddad a nice ice lolly of some kind?”

“Course,” smiled his granddaughter. “Chocolate?”

“Why not?” 

Soon Dean was taking orders, despite Diane trying to point out that she had brought drinks with their picnic. Soon she too relented and asked for a tea, Mark standing to go with them.

“What do you want?” he asked Seb.

“Oh black coffee please.”

“Righto.”

“And can you pick up an extra bottle of water for Teddy?”

“Sure. Right, Dean which way back?”

 

They set off, leaving the others sat under the shade of the spreading oak tree. Leanne sat beside Seb, looking in at Teddy sat fast asleep in his pushchair.

“Too much excitement,” she smiled.

Sebastian nodded.

“He usually has a nap anyway.”

“Of course.”

Seb reached in to touch his son’s cheeks; warm, but not too hot. Even this early in the day they had the cover up to shade him despite his skin being previously plastered in yet more sunscreen, but it was another sunny day and only likely to get hotter as it went on.

“Good job there’s lots of trees around here,” he noted. “The streams and ponds are nice too. They help it feel a bit cooler.”

“Oh we checked out the pool,” remembered Leanne.

“Oh? The paddling pool?”

“Yeah. Just stuck on a shelf in the garage. Bit dusty but we blew it up and tested it out.”

“Did you sit in it?” teased her father.

Leanne laughed.

“No Dad I meant we checked it inflated okay and didn’t leak.”

Alan gave her a wink.

“I know love. So it was okay then?”

“Just the one puncture but Dean got this bike repair kit out and fixed it.”

“Ah, good for him.”

“Are we coming over?” asked Diane.

Leanne smiled and looked to Seb.

“Would you like that? Let the kids play with Teddy. The pool’s not really that big, but I’m sure he’d have fun.”

“I’m sure he would,” agreed Seb. “That’d be nice.”

“Are you free tomorrow?”

“I think so.”

“Dean’s back in work but I thought maybe you could come over in the afternoon, stay for dinner.”

Sebastian glanced to his hosts who gave little nods of approval.

“Um, yeah sounds good. Maybe a bit later in the afternoon?”

Leanne smiled, her eyes going to the sleeping baby.

“Post nap?” she guessed.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Our lives do pretty much revolve around that sort of thing. Yeah.”

Leanne nodded.

“No rush. We won’t have dinner late either. The kids are starving by six o’clock anyway.”

“Ha, me too.”

 

Leanne looked across the picnic bench to her parents.

“We still on for Saturday?”

“Yes,” concurred her mother. “What shall I bring?”

Leanne laughed and sent a little sideways glance to Seb. There was no point telling her mother she could provide all they needed for another barbecue.

“Um, whatever you like Mum. Some salads?”

Diane nodded, then turned her head to see the deputation to the café returning bearing cardboard trays of hot drinks and juggling lollies and ice-creams. As they took up the next bench Leanne stood to allow Mark to take her place, accepting her drink as she went over. Mark in turn lifted out cups to distribute them, handing Seb his coffee before sipping at his own.

“We’ve been making more plans,” announced his mother as she put down her tea.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Have you? Right, well, fill me in.”

  


Teddy slept on, unaffected by the chatter around him. When he woke his parents tried feeding him water and a snack but he wasn’t keen so Mark trekked back to the café to get a large cup of hot water to warm a bottle for him. As Teddy sat drinking it on Seb’s knee Mark shook his head.

“Couldn’t just have what you’re offered,” he sighed. “You sure you don’t want a cold drink?”

“We just had coffee,” pointed out Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded. Half the rest of the family were tucking into ice lollies now, but Teddy wanted what he wanted.

  


Later on after they had stopped once again to have their picnic lunch, Teddy once again fell asleep, so the family made their way over to the aquarium so he was nice and cool. As Seb and Mark looked through the glass at the brightly coloured fishes swimming about they couldn't help thinking that their son would like to see them, but Teddy sat slumped in his pushchair being slowly moved back and forth by his grandmother despite the fact he was fast asleep.

“Just keep swimming,” whispered Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh and nodded. They’d have to show their son another time.

  


Teddy did wake up eventually. Just in time to see the monkeys which he plainly thought too good to miss. He sat in his buggy, straining at the belts as he raised his arms up.

“Papa!”

“Yes alright,” agreed Seb as he undid the restraints to take him out so he could see better.

The little boy sat high in his father's arms, clapping every time he saw one of the monkeys swinging about.

“Bet you’d enjoy doing that,” noted Mark.

“Dada.”

“Yeah. Gonna have to get you stuff to climb on when you’re bigger aren’t we?”

Sebastian smiled as Alan joined in teasing Teddy that he was going to be a little monkey one day. For now Seb was glad to have their little boy still hanging on to him more like one of the monkey babies clinging to their mothers.

  


After another break, during which even Sebastian relented and got an ice lolly, they set off again to see which animals they had missed. Mark had offered Teddy a lick of his lolly, smiling as the little boy pulled a face.

“No? Guess not.”

“Bit too cold maybe?” suggested his sister.

“Mm.”

Mark smiled at Teddy. Still a while off joining in with the rest of them.

Young Teddy was getting more and more involved with his cousins though. As they walked towards the lion enclosure he happily toddled along holding Jemma and Abbey’s hands walking unevenly between them as they kept him up, burbling in response as the girls tried to talk to him. A few feet back Leanne smiled to her brother.

“Minor miracle getting them to be this co-operative.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded, watching the way Teddy was looking up to Jemma who was busy telling him he didn’t need to be scared of the lions because she would look after him.

“They’re very good,” he commented.

“Yeah, guess so,” accepted Leanne. “I think Teddy’s a good influence.”

“Ha, maybe.”

They reached the enclosure, all the family peering through to see where the lions were. Jemma hitched her baby cousin up and pointed over to a grouping lain beneath a tree.

“Look, there they are Teddy. They’re having a little nap like you did.”

Teddy pointed with her, making his parents smile until the male lion opened his wide mouth and roared, the noise loud and rumbling even across from the other side of the water separating them. The little boy’s eyes widened and his lip wobbled. His cousin tried jigging him up and reassuring him, but Teddy started crying and reached out his arms to Mark.

“Dada.”

“Yeah mate, bit scary,” sympathised Mark as he took hold of him.

“They can’t get you,” assured Ryan.

“Ah that’s alright mate. I think it’s mostly the noise he’s not used to. Lions are pretty thin on the ground in Buckinghamshire.”

Sebastian beside them huffed a laugh and reached to dry their son’s eyes, knowing he’d cheer up again in a moment.

 

 

Their nephew remembered the comment when he had found Teddy a real bear to look at later, showing his uncles the sign explaining that brown bears originated from Europe.

“Look Uncle Mark, it says Britain,” he pointed out.

Mark laughed.

“Not recently I don’t think mate.” 

Ryan read on, slightly disappointed to see the clarification that they had been hunted to extinction in the wild in Britain and most of Europe many hundreds of years ago.

“Shame,” he commented.

Mark chuckled and looked to Seb who was showing their son a real life teddy-bear.

“Good job we don’t have to keep an eye open for these when we’re walking the dogs.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Only one bear where we live isn’t there Bärchen?”

  


 

When they eventually exhausted all the zoo had to offer, and indeed themselves, they made their way back to the entrance, calling in at the shop ‘just to have a look’. Mark knew it was a mistake the minute Sebastian saw all the soft toy animals on display. He smiled and sighed at the same time as Seb started picking them up to show him while Teddy was entertained by his cousins doing much the same thing with other toys on offer as their grandparents supervised just a little way off.

“Oh a koala!” beamed Sebastian as he snatched one up.

Mark laughed.

“Sweetheart…”

“He loved the koalas.”

“We have more than enough teddies.”

“It’s not a teddy-bear, it’s a marsupial.”

Mark rolled his eyes.

“My point stands.”

“It’s so soft!”

“Sweetheart.”

 

Mark tried not to smile as Sebastian stood stroking the soft toy and held it up to show him.

“Look, isn’t it cute?”

“Yes, but...” 

“It’s soo fluffy.”

Seb stroked over the fur.

“Look at its big ears.”

“Mm.”

Seb pouted at him and gave him big blue eyes, only succeeding in making his husband laugh.

“Sweetheart is this for Teddy or you?”

“For Teddy of course.”

“Right.”

Sebastian checked the label, then smiled as he saw it was deemed suitable.

“It says it’s okay.”

“Uh-huh.”

Seb pouted at his reticence. Okay so they did have plenty of soft toys for their son, but they didn’t have a  _koala_ .

“It’s to go with his kangaroo.”

“I see.”

“ _So_ soft,” persisted Seb.

 

Mark shook his head so Sebastian smiled and lifted the toy to stroke against his cheek. Mark stood still, valiantly trying not to crack up laughing as the admittedly very soft fake fur tickled his skin (a battle his sister had lost as she stood watching from a few feet away). He could see the way Seb was grinning, delighting in teasing him like this, so Mark kept his face straight as he thought of a new ploy.

“You know you can catch chlamydia from them,” he stated.

Sebastian moved the toy away and looked at it, then Mark.

“Soft toys?”

Mark laughed now and shook his head.

“No you daft thing, koalas.”

Seb pulled a face.

“What are people doing with them?”

Dean in the background overheard and burst out with a loud guffaw, drawing the rest of the family over.

“What are you talking about?” asked Ryan.

“Nothing,” stated Leanne firmly with a look to her husband to stop laughing.

“Your Uncle Mark doesn’t want to buy a toy,” offered Dean more soberly.

 

The girls had walked Teddy over to his parents and Abbey now looked at the toy as Mark lifted Teddy up.

“Oh that’s so cute! Are you getting it?”

Mark sighed as his niece took the toy from Seb and handed it to Teddy who immediately cuddled it in.

“Looks like I am,” he relented.

“I’ll get it,” asserted Seb.

Mark shook his head as he passed Teddy to Sebastian.

“Nah I will. Tsk, I am _such_ a soft touch.”

Sebastian smiled and tried to detach the toy from their son’s grip.

“Give it to Daddy so he can pay Liebling.”

The little boy gripped the toy all the harder as they tried to pull it away.

“He’s quite strong isn’t he?” observed Alan.

“Mm,” agreed Mark.

“Here.”

He looked to his sister who was offering up an identical toy from the stand. Mark frowned, then caught on and nodded. He went over to the till, the family watching from a few feet away as he explained the situation, the lad serving him nodding with apparent experienced understanding. Sebastian held Teddy with his toy in view and Mark turned back to the assistant.

“He just won’t let go and if I try to wrestle it from him I think we’ll have screaming hab-dabs all the way home.”

“No worries. Happens all the time,” commented the young man.

“Gotcha. Cheers then mate.”

 

Mark paid and accepted the bag containing only the receipt. He handed over the spare toy and returned to the group, the lad on the till giving them a thumbs up which made Seb smile.

“Right, all sorted,” Mark declared, taking Teddy now to strap him into his pushchair before they were distracted by anything else. “Your daddy is a complete sucker mate, just so you know.”

Sebastian smiled and kissed his cheek as Mark stood back up.

“It’s a souvenir of our nice day out.”

“Uh-huh.” Mark huffed a laugh and looked down to Teddy. “You’re lucky there’s no koala baby costumes on sale here mate.”

Sebastian’s face lit up at the idea, but Mark was shaking his head.

“No.”

“Aw.”

“I give up. Right, shall we go folks?”

  


As they exited the zoo Leanne walked alongside Mark and shook her head.

“You two.”

“Us two what?” asked Mark, his eyes automatically going to Seb pushing Teddy ahead of them as Ryan leaned in, talking with Teddy as they walked along.

Leanne smiled at her brother.

“You’re still flirting with each other.”

“Are we?”

“Ah come on. The way you tease one another like that. You wanted Seb to talk you into buying that toy.”

“Did I?”

“Yes. And he knew it and you knew it, and you both knew you were going to do exactly what he wanted you to do. You just enjoy having him persuade you.”

Mark smiled.

“That sounds a very complicated arrangement.”

“I notice you don’t deny it.”

“Should I?”

His sister huffed a laugh and shook her head.

“No. It’s sweet. I just wonder how long you were doing that before you even realised that was what you were doing.”

Mark chuckled and glanced ahead to Seb before looking back to Leanne.

“You know what?”

“What?”

“Sometimes I wonder that too.”

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two to follow too...


	247. Close Encounters

* * *

  
  


After a nice relaxed day on the Thursday when they had simply taken Teddy for a walk to the park for him to have a play early on while it was still cool, followed by the later afternoon and evening spent at Leanne’s, on the Friday Seb and Mark felt back up to venturing out on another outing for the day. Seeing as both Teddy and Seb had enjoyed seeing the animals at the zoo, Mark took his sister’s advice and they headed west once more, seeking out a slightly wilder source of wildlife.

The drive took only a little over an hour, but it was enough for Teddy to fall asleep in the back of the car. It was still fairly early and this time the day before their son had been happily playing on the swings and slides at the playground, but the steady motion of driving seemed to send their son off, so as they pulled up in the, as yet at least, fairly empty car park of the national park they were visiting, Teddy was most definitely out for the count.

Mark and Seb sat turned around from the front of the car, looking at him sat slumped in his car seat, his new toy koala still clasped in one little hand.

“Bless him,” sighed Mark.

“Shall we sort ourselves out and just see if he wakes up?”

“Sure.”

 

They packed everything in bags and fitted them under the pushchair seeing as Leanne had advised them that the paths here were suitable. Then Mark and Seb helped each other top up their sunscreen before going to look at their son still sleeping in his seat.

“Do you think we could try putting it on him while he’s asleep?” wondered Seb.

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Worth a go.”

He went to lay out a towel on the flat surface of the boot, made easier by the fact they had selected an estate hire car so they had the maximum space. Sebastian undid the belts around Teddy and carefully as he could, extracted him to carry around, laying him down as gently as possible. His hand was underneath Teddy’s head to protect it, so Seb looked to be sure the baby wasn’t waking before slowly removing it. Turning to Mark he puffed a breath, Mark laughing and nodding.

“Step one,” smiled Mark.

“Mm.”

Mark already had the sunscreen ready so he poured some into Seb’s hand before doing the same for himself, thinking that at least it was warm and so shouldn’t shock Teddy when it touched his skin. Standing alongside one another they leaned in over their son, attempting to coat his legs first, partly as they were a nightmare to get done when he kicked and screamed whilst awake, but also because they were nearest. Amazing Teddy only stirred slightly as he lay there, Mark raising an eyebrow to Seb that they were getting away with this. Then they did the same with his arms, making sure to cover each little hand and finger just as they had his feet.

As his parents were, little Teddy was wearing a t-shirt with long shorts and despite him lying largely still, they still managed to get some on his clothes, but it couldn’t be helped. They looked to one another, knowing they had reached the most difficult part; Teddy’s face.

“Dive in?” proposed Sebastian dubiously.

Mark smiled.

“Yep, only way.”

He poured out a little more sunscreen for each of them, then put a dot on Teddy’s nose, trying not to laugh at how funny he looked. When Seb smeared a little on Teddy’s cheek however, the baby moved his head. Seb withdrew his hand, then they both tried again. This time it seemed their luck had run out, Teddy frowning before he even opened his eyes, then as they tried to quickly get his face done the baby looked at them and instantly started bawling and writhing.

“No just get it on him,” insisted Mark, knowing this would be his reaction either way.

 

They did their best, but Teddy was now rolling onto his side so he could crawl away and escape, so Mark wiped his hands off on his shorts and grabbed him up.

“No no, c’mon,” coaxed Mark as Teddy fought in his arms.

“You need the sunscreen on Liebling,” argued Seb.

“Darling just stick it on. You’re not going to persuade him.”

Sebastian huffed a breath, but he knew Mark was right, so he chased their son’s face as Teddy moved it away, screwing up his nose and howling as if he was being tortured. Seb was sure he got about as much cream on himself as the baby and there were visible streaks everywhere, but he persevered, getting it under his chin and over his neck so nothing was left unprotected.

“Done.”

“Right,” sighed Mark, loosening his hold on Teddy before looking at him. “All done Teddy, calm down now. Calm, calm.” Mark slowed his voice, Teddy responding enough that he could hold him in and stroke over his back. “All over.”

“For now,” noted Seb.

Mark huffed a dry laugh, not wanting to think about having to do this again later. Teddy was taking tragic shaky breaths as Seb stood to look in at him.

“Oh Schatz we have to put it on you or you’d get burnt. We’re protecting you.”

He looked to Mark who could only shake his head, both knowing it made no difference. Mark puffed out a long breath and went to perch on the edge of the boot, sitting Teddy on his knee to let him settle back down. Seb joined them, sighing to see how their son’s round cheeks had little rivulets where his tears had washed away the cream applied. He left it for now, knowing Teddy needed a minute, as did he and Mark.

“ _Why_ do  you have to make such a fuss?” Mark sighed despairingly. “You make it twice as hard and it takes twice as long.”

Teddy pouted at him rebelliously and his father had a horrible foretelling of years to come when they would no doubt face far worse challenges from their son in his teenage years.

 

After leaving it a couple of minutes they stood to put Teddy in his pushchair, Seb waiting until he was securely strapped in before using both hands to quickly smooth out the suncream on his face so it was all covered. Predictably the baby tried pulling his face away, but it was done. Sebastian lifted his hands away and stood.

“Right.”

Mark nodded, looking for their hats and sunglasses to put on. They tried putting Teddy’s on him too, but whilst the baby was content to wear his sunhat, he was having none of the sunglasses sitting on his face, pushing them off the moment Mark stood away.

“Okay,” sighed Mark, “I guess you can live without sunnies on.”

He pulled the pushchair hood up to provide shade and decided that would do.

 

They set off across the car-park to reach the entrance of the visitor centre, finding the reception desk immediately where they walked in. While Seb picked up a map and a couple of information leaflets Mark went to the desk, pulling off his sunglasses to speak to the young woman sat there.

“Hi, do we pay here?” he enquired.

The girl stared at him.

“For the park,” clarified Mark. “I’m not sure if you have to pay separately for the talks and stuff you do.”

She blinked, then looked over to Seb stood with the pushchair before looking back to Mark and recovering herself.

“Um, yeah, sorry, um, yes you just pay one price.”

Mark smiled, trying not to let on that he realised she had recognised him.

“Great. So is that for us two or do we have to pay for the baby?”

“It’s just per car.”

“Ah okay.”

As Mark paid, Seb barely noticed the exchange as he ducked down by Teddy, showing him all the things they might be able to see. When Mark came over he stood back up.

“Liebling they do a talk on koalas. Can we go to that?”

Mark smiled, deciding there was no point telling Seb that they had been recognised.

“Sure. When is it?”

“Not till this afternoon, but there’s another one by the water reserve and it says they have platypusses.” Sebastian huffed a laugh. “I’m not even sure I know what they are exactly.”

Mark chuckled.

“Best we go and find out then.”

“And there’s a talk on endangered frogs. Look.” Seb showed him the picture of a ranger holding an exotic looking frog in their hand to show a child. “I think Teddy might like that.”

“Sure.”

“I mean I know he won’t listen, but to see the frogs.”

“Alright, well let’s check the times for stuff then.”

 

They stood reviewing the information, making their own little schedule for the day. Then they took turns to use the loos while they were here before going out through to the other side to have a look at the set up. As they passed through the visitor centre to enter the park they noticed there was a large café, as yet empty, though when they went out to look at the large map on a board outside there were already a few families starting their day as well. Mark made sure to put his sunglasses on, not wanting to draw any more attention to themselves, but seeing as they’d got away with being left alone at the zoo the other day, he hoped the same would be true here, even if perhaps with just the two of them they were rather less hidden in a group.

“Kangaroos Teddy,” Seb pointed out to his son as he looked at the little illustration showing them where to go on the map.

Mark was looking back at the leaflets and nodding to himself.

“Right well if we have a little pootle out now, then come back for your frog thing, then that’s not too far to go to the water reserve so we can see some platypus and then we can do koalas in the afternoon.”

“ _Do_ koalas?” smiled Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You know what I mean.”

“Thankfully yes.”

Sebastian looked down to Teddy, then Mark.

“Um, Liebling, you know what you said the other day about that?”

“About what?”

“Koalas. That you can catch, stuff...”

Mark smiled.

“Ah. Yeah I checked and it’s only like if they pee on you.”

“Lovely.”

“I really don’t think we’ll be getting that close sweetheart. From the leaflet it sounds like the guides just point them out to you for you to spot in the forest.”

Sebastian nodded. Cute as they undoubtedly were, he wasn’t so keen on getting up close and personal with them.

“See some roos then?” encouraged Mark.

“Yep.”

  


They set off walking, grateful that the park had wheelchair friendly paths which made pushing Teddy in his buggy nice and easy. It wasn’t more than ten minutes before they reached a sign telling them to look out for kangaroos and wallabies in the grassland ahead and to take care not to get too close.

Sebastian smiled.

“Oh gosh this is exciting.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah. You excited Teddy? Maybe we should have you in your pouch like a little joey?”

Teddy merely looked up at his father, still hanging on to his koala toy. When they got a little further on the pathway petered out, but here they were met by a uniformed ranger, clearly deputised to both greet visitors and to keep an eye on them this close to the wild animals. With their sunglasses and caps on, he certainly didn’t seem to realise who Seb and Mark were, merely smiling and joking that the baby would be pleased to see koalas here.

“Ah that’s his new little buddy,” explained Mark.

“Nice.”

“He’s got a kangaroo as well, but it’s in the car,” Seb added.

The man smiled and nodded, before turning out to look across the open plain.

“Righto, well if you look over there you should be able to see a few young wallabies with their mothers.”

Sebastian and Mark peered over, eventually spotting the animals who blended in well with the colour of the soil. They stayed quiet and were rewarded with the group hopping in their direction, getting as close as fifty yards away.

“Can you see them Teddy?” whispered Seb as he bobbed down with him.

He pointed over and Teddy did the same, making his parents smile at the way he copied them.

“Got their little’uns with them mate so we’d better not scare them,” advised Mark.

 

They stayed still, waiting and watching as the animals came closer until they were barely thirty yards off. The ranger quietly explained a few things about them, Mark and Seb nodding along.

“Dada!” shouted Teddy excitedly as he pointed to one of the smallest wallabies getting closer.

“Shh,” warned Seb.

“Have to be quiet mate,” Mark reminded him, putting his hand on Teddy’s knee.

It worked for a minute, then Teddy started bouncing in his seat, almost as if he was copying the creatures he could see.

“Dada! Papa!”

The high-pitched voice startled the animals and all of a sudden they turned tail and hopped away into the distance.

“Oh dear,” sighed Seb as he stood back up.

“Sorry mate,” apologised Mark to the ranger.

“Oh no, that’s alright. Just made ‘em jump a bit.”

Mark chuckled and the man realised what he’d said.

“Accidental pun there,” he conceded with a smile. “No worries though, we want the kiddies to get into it all, make little animal lovers for the future.”

“Ah, just so mate yeah,” agreed Mark looking down to Teddy and giving him a smile. “Love animals don’t you kiddo?”

“Dada.”

Sebastian stood up and looked to the ranger.

“Um, so it said kangaroos over this way?”

The man smiled.

“Ah you just gotta get a bit lucky. If you hang around here a while you might see some over here or if you take the left path back where it splits you head to the far side and you might be good there.”

 

Sebastian nodded, reminding himself that this was a nature reserve and not a zoo. Here the animals roamed freely and you just had to hope to spot them.

“Thanks.”

“You want to try that?” asked Mark.

Seb glanced at his watch.

“Um, yeah. I think we need to get back a bit earlier for the thing though.”

“You seeing the endangered breeding program talk?” enquired the ranger.

Sebastian looked to him.

“Yes. Is it okay to take Teddy in?”

“Oh yeah all welcome. I was just gonna say you’re right, make sure you’re there early for stuff. We can get busy in the summer holidays.”

“Ah okay.”

“Cheers mate,” nodded Mark, before turning to Seb. “Why don’t we go back then, we can come back this way later?”

“Sure.”

  


They walked back to find there were indeed more people around near the visitor centre now, though it was nowhere near as busy as the zoo had been seeing as this place was a fair drive out into the country. They looked for where they needed to go, then killed time for five minutes by looking at the café and shop, Mark joking that Seb would have to restrain himself from buying any more toys. Seb pulled a face and resisted the urge to pick up a toy kangaroo. Teddy really _did_ already have one of those.

“We could have lunch in the café later,” he commented.

Mark smiled. His mother had insisted on making them a picnic lunch to bring, but they could have some of that as snacks.

“Sure. Guess that’d make it a bit easier with squirt here.”

“I was thinking with it being air-conditioned when it’ll be so hot out.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah good point. Right, shall we go see if we can go through for the talk now?”

  


They had to leave the buggy parked outside to allow people in, but Mark carried Teddy and stood to the side as perhaps a dozen people watched while a young ranger discussed the work the reserve did to protect endangered species and the various amphibious creatures and reptiles they had breeding programmes for. Mark smiled at the way Seb paid rapt attention to the whole thing, stopping himself from joking asking if he wanted to take notes. Teddy wasn’t much interested in what was said, but when the ranger brought out one of the frogs to show them all, his eyes widened.

“Ooh, look at that Teddy,” encouraged Mark.

The little boy peered over as a few children crowded round the woman who was pointing out some details on the frog’s back before holding it higher for the adults to see.

“Does he want a look?” she enquired as she got closer to them.

Sebastian was staring at the tiny creature, wondering at how it seemed so calm in this environment. Mark meanwhile nodded to the woman and held Teddy in slightly as she raised her gloved palm for him, keeping it carefully out of reach of those curious little hands. Then the tiny frog suddenly hopped and she quickly clamped another gloved hand over it to enclose it before taking it back over to the tank. Teddy had jumped a little too, making Mark laugh.

“Everything’s hopping and jumping today isn’t it mate?”

The woman spoke some more on the topic, then went to bring out one of the reptiles to an appreciative ooh from the small crowd. Mark tried not to laugh at the noise, but as he looked to Seb he could see he was fully focussed on the new animal on show, clearly fascinated.

  


Later as they walked out towards the water reserve Mark slipped his arm around Seb as he pushed the pram.

“Enjoying this then?” 

Sebastian looked to him.

“It’s great. I didn’t think we’d get so close to them.”

“Me neither. Don’t suppose we will for this next one.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“Not unless we’re willing to wade in.”

“No. Mind you, bit warm now, might be nice.”

Sebastian shook his head and pushed on to reach the wooden walkway cutting across the large open expanse of water stretching in front of them. There were already some people waiting and another ranger speaking with them and he hoped they hadn’t missed the start, but as they joined the group he realised that he was only talking generally about the site and after a couple of minutes the man checked his watch and straightened up, ready to launch into his talk.  


Standing towards the ed ge of the group Mark and Seb spent most of this talk ducked down with side of their son, alternating peering into the water to see where a ripple in the surface might indicate there was something swimming to looking to the ranger talking. 

“Ooh Liebling, look,” pointed Seb.

Mark looked and just managed to see something brown and furred breaking the water’s surface before slipping back under.

“Did you see it?” Seb asked.

“Just about.”  


They only got glimpses for the most part, then towards the end of the talk there was a splash and as Seb and Mark looked, they saw not one, but two platypus push their flat bills out of the water and swim out towards some reeds over to the side.

“Quick Teddy, look look,” encouraged Mark, getting his son to look where they were.

The woman running the experience seemed pleased as well, beginning to discuss their success with pairs hatching eggs in the reserve.

“Eggs?” frowned Seb.

Mark nodded.

“Funny things aren’t they?”

“They like… hmm, like beavers, only not.”

Mark huffed a laugh at that.

“Yeah, like if a beaver bred with a duck.”

Sebastian raised his eyebrows.

“The imagery.”

Mark chuckled and nodded.

“Makes you think.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Ha.”

 

They stayed a while longer after the talk had finished, but getting no more sign they wandered back towards the centre, Seb already thinking about how hot it was getting.

“I think maybe lunch might be a good idea,” he proposed.

Mark nodded thinking Teddy had done well not to sleep through all they had seen this morning. They made their way to the café, getting food and drink for themselves and succeeding in having Teddy’s food warmed for him. Finding a table tucked by the window in the corner Mark deliberately sat with his back to the rest of the room. So far he’d caught a couple of looks coming their way. Nobody had bothered them, but he didn’t want to tempt fate while they were inside and more obviously identifiable.

  


Once they had eaten, Mark was about to suggest seeing if Teddy wanted a little play on the children’s playground, but as he looked into the pushchair it was to see that their son was fast asleep. He went to get them coffees to drink to pass the time, but as the baby showed no signs of waking up, Seb got them some more bottles of cold water and they went outside, looking for a shady spot to sit. The picnic area was busy, so instead they wandered over to the other side, finding a tree with some scrubby grass underneath and parked up the pushchair beneath it before sitting down with their backs to the tree.

“Could just do with a bit more breeze,” admitted Mark.

“Yeah,” Seb agreed.

“You know they had bushfires all round here a few years back.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, pretty bad I think, but most of this stuff is quick growing.”

“Stuff?” smiled Seb.

“Ah you know, eucalyptus and that, shoots right up.”

“Good thing too.”

“Mm.” Mark took in a deep breath and rested his head by Sebastian’s. “This is nice.”

“Yeah.”

“What time’s the koala thingy on?”

“Not till three.”

“Ah we’re good then. Excellent, well I reckon we just chill out for a bit.”

Sebastian nodded and relaxed into Mark, Teddy in the pushchair sat facing them, all loose limbs and steady breathing. It might not be the ideal way for him to take a nap, but he looked content, so that would do.

  


Though the air was warm, Teddy slept for over an hour before rousing and needing taking inside to be changed. His parents decided that seeing as he was already crying, this was a good time to get coating him in sunscreen once more. That done they cheered him up by taking him for a push on the baby swings and then returned him to his pushchair so they could walk out to the woodland where the ranger was due to show where they might see some koalas.

They stood in the forest, feeling very far from civilisation where it was so quiet and still, though it had only taken quarter of an hour following the paths to get here. Sebastian gazed up at the canopy of branches and leaves up high above, wondering if these were older trees or whether these had grown since the area was affected by fire. How devastating that must surely have been to the animals here. Seb didn’t want to think what would have happened to them.

“Liebling I can see one!” realised Seb as he spotted something furry clinging to an upper branch.

Mark spied up and smiled.

“Oh yeah. Ha, well done darling. Look Teddy.”

The pale browns and greys weren’t the easiest to make out in the shadows even for his parents, so as Teddy looked where they pointed he frowned and looked to them instead.

“Too far away,” Mark guessed. 

 

The ranger led them on, pausing at places where she pointed out the creatures in their habitat and explaining all about them and the conservation work they did here. As Mark had predicted, the koalas were cautious of getting too near these interlopers, but they got a couple of good views, including one mother with a baby on her back which got coos from the group looking on.

A few people had binoculars which Mark belatedly realised were a good idea, but they got a decent enough view and he was pretty sure that Teddy could see a few times seeing as he shook his own toy koala about as if trying to tell them he had one too. At the end of the talk the ranger took questions, but they waited until the end when people had begun to drift away before they approached her. Sebastian asked a few questions and Mark smiled at how keen he was. The  ranger in turn appeared only too happy to speak with them, dipping down to say hello to Teddy and smiling at his toy.

“He a fan is he?”

“We saw some at the zoo the other day,” explained Seb. “But this is so much better, seeing them in the wild.”

“Ah well this is a managed environment too to some extent,” she admitted. “We do all we can to keep the population healthy and growing, though we keep our distance as much as possible.”

“It’s great here, isn’t it Liebling?”

“Yep, a real eye-opener,” agreed Mark.

“Have you come far?” she enquired.

Mark nearly laughed, thinking for a moment that she must be joking, but her open expression told him she wasn’t. Not everyone was an F1 fan apparently.

“Um, yes and no,” he stated. “We’re staying with family not too far off, but we live in England.”

“Ah right. Don’t get these guys round there.”

“No,” smiled Mark. “Guess it’s a good job we’re taking one home with us.”

The woman laughed, then stroked over Teddy’s toy, giving him a smile.

“Mind you take good care of him eh?”

 

 

As they walked back Seb and Mark kept their eyes peeled for any more sightings, pausing a few times to try to get a glimpse.

“You know you get a better view of them at the zoo,” commented Seb, “but this is nice. It’s like a little victory when you spot one.”

Mark chuckled and nodded.

“We should get points.”

“Ha, yeah.”

As Mark pushed the buggy along, Seb consulted the pamphlets they’d picked up, then looked to Mark.

“What do you want to do now?”

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. What d’you fancy?”

“Mm. There’s a walk round the edge of the water reserve that might be nice. It sounds like we should see some birds.”

“Cool. Lead on then.”

  


They followed more paths to reach a different wetlands area than they had been at earlier, walking around the water’s edge to see really quite a lot of bird life on display; smaller ones flying about while spindly-legged herons strode through the shallows, beaks snapping at insects and occasionally flapping their wings for reasons neither Seb and Mark could quite fathom seeing as they stayed in place.

Walking on a little further they found a bench and sat down, lifting Teddy out of his pushchair to offer him a snack and a drink while they too helped themselves from the little cool-bag stashed under the pram. Though it was getting on for four in the afternoon the air was as hot as ever. Seb looked around them, thinking how he could well understand how a bushfire could catch hold in these parts. Mark was sat turned slightly to use his own body to shade their son, but Teddy did seem rather lethargic now.

“Do you want some more water?” asked Seb.

“Oh no I’m good thanks.”

Sebastian laughed.

“I meant Teddy.”

“Oh. Ha, yeah.” Mark looked down at him. “Have another drink sweetheart.”

Sebastian held his water bottle to Teddy’s mouth, getting him to drink some before spilling a little on his t-shirt.

“Oops.”

“Ah it’ll dry. You wanna go on a bit?”

“Sure.”

 

They put Teddy back in the buggy and walked on, finding that over this way there were less people about. Then something caught Seb’s eye and he looked out across the water,  past the tall reeds growing beside the path .

“Are they pelicans?”

Mark looked at the large white and black birds swimming in their direction and nodded.

“Yeah. Dunno what sort, but pretty sure that’s them.”

As they rounded a slight bend in the path they stopped, seeing more of the birds not in the water, but walking along on land, for all the world as if they too were talking a pleasant afternoon stroll.

“Oh gosh.”

“Ha, bold as brass,” smiled Mark. “I guess we are in their territory, not the other way around.”

They watched in strange fascination as the birds wandered in their direction, seemingly totally unafraid of humans.

“Maybe we should go?” suggested Seb.

“Ah they’re alright,” assured Mark.

Sebastian frowned, feeling increasingly uncertain about them getting closer, but equally thinking it would be ridiculous to hurry away.

“They’re bigger than I thought,” he admitted, guessing that they were at least as tall as the pushchair.

“Mm.”

 

One of the pelicans padded towards them and Seb stared at its huge  pale orange beak and large webbed feet, somewhere between being fascinated and horrified.

“It’s coming right for us.”

Mark laughed.

“It’s a bird. What’s it gonna do?”

“I don’t know.” Seb turned to him. “We should go.”

“Mm, okay.”

 

Mark was about to turn the buggy around when Seb went to the front and quickly took Teddy out, feeling unnerved at how exposed their son was down there. The pause however gave the bird time to patter over and as Seb stood back up with him he looked around to see it only a few feet away.

“Oh my god!”

“It’s not gonna do anything.”

“No Liebling make it go away.”

As Seb hurried to the other side of the buggy Mark could tell he wasn’t messing about. Nor it seemed was the pelican who was opening its beak as it came ever closer. Sebastian held the baby higher.

“You take him.”

“What?”

“Take him, you’re higher.”

Mark opened his mouth to say something, but Seb was passing him the baby as the pelican looked on the verge of investigating the pushchair and Mark could see a worried look in his husband’s eyes that wasn’t to be dismissed. He lifted Teddy up and swung him onto his shoulders, holding him there with both hands.

“Shooo!” shouted Mark.

The bird looked up, then flapped its enormous wings out.

“Mark!”

Sebastian pressed into Mark’s side feeling suddenly quite alarmed, even though he knew it was absurd that he could be afraid of a bird.

“Go on with you!” Mark eyeballed the creature. “GO!”

The bird flapped its wings again, the wingspan in abstract really remarkably impressive, easily eight foot across. Then instead of taking off, it merely tucked its wings back  against its body and stalked in the other direction before  reaching a gap in the reeds and  coolly sliding into the water.

 

Sebastian let out a sigh of relief, then looked to Mark and up to Teddy.

“Oh my god.”

“Its fine darling. I think it was just curious.”

“Can we go back?”

“Course. Hang on.”

Mark lifted Teddy up and over his head before lowering him to hold in his arms.

“You’re alright aren’t you mate, hm? You weren’t scared.”

“I wasn’t scared,” defended Seb.

Mark looked at him, trying to read if Seb really was okay. It might seem just a silly moment, but he knew Seb could have reactions that he found hard to control. He certainly wasn’t about to laugh at him for it.

“I was speaking to Teddy darling.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark looked a little closer into his eyes.

“You sure you’re okay?” he checked.

“I just didn’t like it round Teddy.”

Mark nodded.

“Come on then, let’s go back.”

 

 

They walked back long the path, Seb occasionally glancing over his shoulder to be sure that they weren’t being pursued. Mark kept Teddy in one arm and put another round Seb as he pushed the empty buggy.

“Its beak was as big as my arms,” stated Seb.

“Yeah.”

“Like a dinosaur or something.”

Mark did laugh this time.

“A dinosaur?”

“Yes. I bet they are descended from dinosaurs.”

Mark nodded.

“I spose. The beak’s just for scooping up fish though sweetheart. It wasn’t going to attack us.”

 

Sebastian looked to their son thinking he didn’t much like the idea of that giant beak getting anywhere near him. Mark gave him a little squeeze and smiled to Teddy.

“Papa’s just looking out for you bud.”

“You made it go away.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“By saying go away. Not exactly the animal whisperer.”

“Hmm. Thank you anyway.”

“S’alright.”

“Do think it wanted something out of our food?”

“Maybe. Don’t think we’ve got any fish, but I guess.”

“People might feed them.”

“They’re not meant to.”

“I know, but if its picked up that habit. Or stealing from visitors’ picnics.”

“Ah.” Mark nodded. “Think you might be on to something there darling.”

He gave him another kiss on the cheek and winked to Teddy.

“Your papa’s smart buddy-boy.”

“And your daddy protects us.”

 

Mark was going to laugh again, but the look in Seb’s eyes was entirely serious so he paused to kiss him on the lips.

“Always darling.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark rubbed over his arm.

“Sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah. It’s silly. Just a big bird.”

“Yeah,” nodded Mark. “Like in Sesame Street.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head before sighing and shaking his head as they continued walking on.

“Oh god if I’d been on my own I swear I’d have either frozen or run away.”

“Fight or flight.”

Seb huffed another laugh.

“I don’t think I would have fought it.”

“No well, maybe best not.”

 

As they got closer to the visitor centre where the different areas spread out from, Seb felt more and more idiotic for over-reacting.

“I can’t believe I just freaked out at a bird,” he sighed.

“Nah. I didn’t like it that close either.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, cocky little…” Mark looked to Teddy. “…so and so.”

Sebastian smiled.

“He _was_ cocky.”

“I bet all the other birds think he’s full of it.”

Sebastian laughed.

“You think?”

“Yeah I reckon. Big show off. Probably trying to impress an admirer.”

“Ha, maybe.”

Mark took a deep breath and looked where they were. The place was a quieter now, those with long journeys to make having left already.

“Tell you what, why don’t we take Teddy for a play and then we can either go for one last looksee somewhere or head off?”

“Yeah okay.”

  


A minute later they sat on a couple of empty swings, Seb with Teddy on his knee, his feet on the floor as they both swung slowly back and forth. A couple of older kids were scrambling over a large climbing frame, their parents stood to the side watching them.

“That’ll be us one day,” noted Mark.

“Mm,”

“Standing there, trying not to wait underneath the whole time to catch him in case he falls.”

Sebastian smiled at him, then kissed the top of Teddy’s head.

“No falling off Liebling.”

“Nope. We’ll have to teach you to be strong and hang on.”

Seb huffed a light laugh, struggling a little at the idea of their still small son dangling himself from ropes and bars like the boy opposite them was. He looked perhaps nine years old, the girl Seb presumed was his sister a year or two older. The mother to the side did indeed look a little nervous at how confidently her children were swinging themselves about. Seb knew he probably would be like that one day.

“You’ll have to hold on tight,” he advised Teddy.

The baby turned his head to look up at him and Seb smiled. He’d just have to trust their son would be okay and learn to manage his own worries to give him the freedom he needed. Sebastian looked to Mark.

“’kay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

 

Sebastian gently swung back and forth again, Mark in time with him. As he slowed a little Seb turned more to Mark.

“Liebling.”

“Yeah?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Earlier…” He huffed another breath out. “You know I was a bit scared of that bird. I know it’s stupid.”

Mark stopped his swing and shook his head.

“No it’s not. I didn’t expect it to really come that close. We should have turned around sooner.”

“Hmm.”

“I’m sorry sweetheart.”

“Oh, no Liebling I didn’t think it would either. I guess it took me by surprise.”

“Yeah me too.”

Seb scrunched his face. It might have surprised them both, but they didn’t have the same response.

“My heart was pounding.” He shook his head. “So stupid. I kindof panicked a bit.”

Mark reached across to stroke over his arm, then smiled at Teddy to reassure him, touching his cheek, then looking back up to Seb.

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry it scared you and I should have done more to make the daft thing scram sooner, but you know what I take from that?”

“What?”

“When you felt threatened the very first thing you did was to make sure Teddy was safe.”

“Of course.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Of course you did. Cos that’s your first instinct sweetheart. You thought of his welfare before how you felt and protected him.”

“And gave him to you.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Meh, I’m taller. Makes sense.”

Sebastian pushed out a long breath.

“It was just a bird, not like a crocodile or anything.”

Mark stretched his swing over to Seb’s and kissed him.

“Don’t care. Same principle.”

“It’s not like I’m scared of birds.”

“Well in fairness darling this was a giant one. I’m not scared of mice but if a three foot tall one came towards me I think I can fairly well say it would give me the heebee-jeebies.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Me too.”

“Well, good job they don’t have them.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Nah. Nothing to worry about, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Good stuff.”

 

Mark nodded and gave Seb a smile.  “ It’s nearly half four,”  he  noted. “What do you want to do? Head home or have a last wander somewhere while it’s quieter?”

“Hm. Oh we didn’t see any kangaroos,” recalled Seb. “Could we go back that way and see if any are about?”

Mark nodded.

“Sure. No guarantees they’ll be there though.”

“That’s okay. Just in case.”

“Righto.”

Mark stopped his swing and stood, taking Teddy to put him back in his pushchair. Consulting the map, he and Seb checked where there was a trail indicating good viewing sites for kangaroos and they set off, walking at a slightly faster pace seeing as they wanted to get this completed before it got too late.

  


They passed by where they had taken the path first thing to view the wallabies and continued north, coming to open tall grassland.

“It feels so different in each part of this place,” commented Seb.

“Mm. There’s loads more further out. We’ve hardly scratched the surface you know.”

Sebastian nodded, having seen all the longer trails and adventures suggested in the leaflets.

“Another time.”

Mark nodded and gave Teddy a smile.

“Maybe we’ll do a bit more exploring when you’re bigger mate. Go walkabout in some of the wilder places.”

“At least when we don’t have to change nappies and warm bottles.”

“Ha, all praise the baby changing facilities.”

Sebastian laughed, then Mark patted his arm before ducking to lift Teddy out of his pushchair.

“Look over that way,” prompted Mark.

 

All three of them looked where he pointed, Seb taking in a breath as he saw three kangaroos perhaps one hundred yards away. Two were adults, but one was definitely smaller.

“Do you think that’s their little one?” whispered Sebastian.

Mark smiled at him keeping his voice down when they were so far away.

“Yeah I reckon. Looks like it’s still a joey with its mother.”

“Aw, that’s nice.”

Mark huffed a laugh, then nodded again as the small group began to make their way diagonally across the open land. It brought them a little closer, but still at least fifty yards away.

“If it’s their baby they probably don’t want it to come to close to us,” guessed Seb.

“Probably, yeah.”

“Look Teddybär,” encouraged Seb, “see the littlest one? He’s you.”

“Papa.”

“Yeah.”

Mark smiled and passed the baby over, Seb giving him a kiss and holding him to see.

“Hi Kanga, hi Roo,” waved Sebastian as he held Teddy to the side.

“Hi!” called Teddy.

Mark smiled as Seb did at that little voice. He was about to make a joke when Teddy called out again and the three kangaroos seemed to pause, the middle one turning its head and looking right at them before they hopped on their way.

“Ah wow,” sighed Seb. “That was great.”

Mark smiled and put his arm around him. So what if they’d seen animals in the zoo only days before far closer? This was something else entirely.

 

As they watched the animals lope out of sight into the bush Mark rested his cheek against Sebastian’s temple. He knew he could tell people the story of Seb being scared by the pelican and it could sound hilarious, but far more ridiculous than Seb getting alarmed by it was the way Mark felt proud of himself for protecting his family. It was preposterous. After all it was only a large bird getting a bit too close for comfort, but the reactions it caused were genuine and Mark was no more inclined to tease Seb about it than he was to dismiss the fact it felt good to care for his loved ones. It felt good to show off a little of his homeland to them too, and Mark couldn't help but be pleased at how both his husband and their child were appreciating it all.

He took a long deep breath and let it out slowly as the kangaroos disappeared from view.

“Ah well. Home time for them too I reckon.”

Seb turned to him and nodded.

“Yeah. Time to go Teddy.”

“If we walk fast we should catch the visitor centre before it shuts,” noted Mark.

“For the shop?”

“For the loos.”

“Ha, right.”

“Long-ish journey home.”

“Mm, okay. Jog back?”

Mark nodded and they put Teddy back in to the buggy so they could hurry back, just getting in under the wire before the place was locked up for the evening. Soon they were in their hire car driving back, Teddy just as fast asleep as he had been on the journey here.

  


 

  


  


“So it actually attacked you?” 

Sebastian looked to his sister-in-law as they sat in the back garden at hers the following day.

“No, just got a bit close.”

Mark placed a hand on his arm and gave him a smile. He wouldn't have mentioned this. It was Seb who brought it up as they told the family about their trip, though only telling them an edited version of the story.

“Huge thing up close,” he concurred. “Enormous great beak too. Quite unnerving really.”

“Mark sent it packing,” praised Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Nah. Think it realised we’re just not that tasty.”

The others laughed and Mark gave Seb’s arm a little rub as they watched Teddy toddling about with Ryan on the grass in front of them. As he brought him closer Teddy actually bypassed his parents altogether and went straight for his grandmother, smiling as she swept him up onto her knee.

“Oh, like that is it sunshine?” teased Mark.

He laughed and shook his head at Seb. Half the time their son clung to them and refused to let go, the other half he happily toddled off with his cousins or grandparents without a care.

“Ah you know grandma will spoil you, don’t you my lovely?” smiled Diane.

The baby smiled back at her and she let out a sigh, stroking over his round cheek.

“I don’t know what I’ll do when you’re gone.”

Mark shook his head.

“Mum we’ll be back in two months time for Seb’s race.”

“Two months though,” she sighed again.

Alan sat in the deckchair beside her shook his head to Mark.

“She’s gonna mope no matter what you say.”

“I don’t mope,” his wife defended. “I’ll just miss them.”

“You’ll miss Teddy,” teased Mark.

“I shall miss all of you.”

“We will come out early for the race,” promised Seb.

Diane nodded, still looking sadly at her youngest grandchild.

“You’ll miss Grandma won’t you?”

“Gaa.”

Diane sighed again. After a week of trying, this was the closest she’d got to teaching Teddy how to say her name, but it still plucked at her heart.

“We’re still here Gran,” offered Abbey from across where she and her sister sat on the grass.

Diane smiled.

“Yes. Ah and then you’ll be off in a month’s time Jemma.”

Her eldest grandchild nodded.

“Ages yet though.”

“Mm.”

 

Leanne caught the look from her father and sat forwards a little in her chair.

“Why don’t we refill the paddling pool? Teddy liked having a splash the other day didn’t he?”

She looked to her brother and Seb.

“You brought his cossie didn’t you?”

“Yep.”

Dean stood from his chair.

“I’ll sort it. Ryan, come give me a hand.”

  


Before long they had the paddling pool blown up and filled with water, though only a couple of inches deep given it was for Teddy to play in. Seb came out with Teddy changed into his surf style swimming costume, putting him down as they got to the pool on the grass.

“Where’s Ryan got to?” he enquired as Dean was busy rolling the hosepipe away.

“Gone to change into his bathers too.”

“Ah.”

Mark came to join Seb as they let Teddy try toddling about on the grass. The girls were over with them, reaching in to splash a little water about to encourage him.

“Look Teddy, Dad filled this for you. Are you gonna go in?” asked Abbey.

Teddy looked at her across the pool where she knelt opposite him, then he tried putting his hands on the circular tubes that made up the pool wall and found that they weren’t as solid as they appeared. He toppled forwards landing face first into the water as his little body squashed down the side of the pool.

“Oops, no you don’t buddy,” warned Mark as he hurriedly hoicked him out again.

Teddy stood dripping wet, looking at his parents as if confused as to how that had happened, but as Seb wiped the water from his face he gave him a smile to distract him from crying.

“Oh dear, all wet,” smiled Seb, making his voice light.

“Papa.”

“You’re alright aren’t you mate?” encouraged Mark.

Teddy turned to him, then reached for the pool side again, looking as though he was about to repeat the exact same trick, though Mark wasn’t letting go of him again.

“Maybe just put him in,” prompted Seb.

“Right.”

Mark lifted Teddy to sit him in the water, hanging onto him, just in case.

 

Soon Ryan was down in his swimming shorts, stepping in alongside his small cousin and smiling as Teddy splashed his hands down into the water.

“Ha, thanks Teddy.”

Ryan gave Teddy a splash back and his mother watching from her chair over to the side was about to tell him not to when Teddy giggled and splashed him right back. Leanne turned to her mother and shook her head.

“I’m quite certain Ryan is enjoying all this just as much as Teddy.”

Diane smiled as she watched her grandsons playing. Ryan might be thirteen, but he was still a child in her eyes. Her granddaughters around the side seemed to think sitting in the pool beneath them these days, but they were laughing and sending little splashes from where they leaned in just the same. Some things you didn’t grow out of.

  


  


Though they needed to leave early the next day to fly home, Seb and Mark wanted to make the most of their time with their family, so they were in no rush to leave Leanne’s, staying into the evening as Dean got the barbecue going again to cook more food for dinner. They sat around the large outdoor table, tucking into all that was offered and relaxing as everyone chatted. As more drinks were passed around afterwards Mark accepted a can of lager and smiled as Seb hesitated.

“You want a cold one?” proffered Dean, “or you sticking with water mate?”

“A tinny in the sun at a barbie. Pretty much the most Aussie thing you can do,” Mark pointed out.

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“I’m meant to be driving.”

“I’ll drive us home,” offered Diane.

He looked to her, then huffed a laugh and took the drink, cracking the ringpull open with a gratifying hiss. As he took a sip Mark gave him a wink.

“You’re officially one of us now.”

“Ha. Thanks.”

Mark sat back in his chair with a little sigh of satisfaction as he ran a finger down the condensation on the side of his can, then had a drink. Teddy was happily ensconced on his grandmother’s knee, being fussed over by both her and Alan sat leaning in to talk to him.

“So, what have you enjoyed most about your stay then?” he asked Teddy, as if the baby could give a coherent answer back.

 

Mark huffed a little laugh and looked to Seb before shifting his chair closer to him. His parents seemed quite content with the burbles Teddy was giving them in reply to their enquiries and their son in turn seemed more than happy to get all their attention.

“Alright sweetheart?” he checked.

Sebastian smiled and nodded, setting his can down on the table before leaning a little into Mark’s side.

“I can’t believe how warm it still is,” he commented.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Only half six.”

“Feels later.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“I wish we could stay longer.”

“Me too.”

“Stupid work.”

Mark chuckled.

“Yeah. Ah well.”

 

Resting his head against Mark’s, Seb tried to push away thoughts of their long journey home and what came after it as he and Mark faced the inevitable challenges of the new season. At least it wasn’t really starting yet. Still a couple of months off. Evening testing wasn’t until the end of February which was how many weeks away now? Actually no, he wasn’t going to think about that. Plenty of time yet with only a few days here and there in work to start preparation and worked on the development of the car. First meeting with the team was scheduled for Tuesday so they really couldn't have delayed returning any longer than they had. As it was Seb thought he was going to be doing well to have recovered from the journey and the inevitable jetlag. He huffed a little laugh to himself and Mark looked to him.

“What?”

“No I was just thinking that this time last year I fell asleep in the first team meeting of the year and I’ll be in danger of doing it again.”

“Ah.” Mark huffed a little laugh and kissed his cheek. “My first meetings aren’t for a while. I’ll take the night shift when we get back.”

“Oh no that’s okay.”

“When’s your meeting again?”

“Tuesday morning.”

Mark pulled a face.

“Oof. Well at least till then, yeah?”

Seb gave him a look.

“I’ll wake up anyway.”

“Still.”

Taking in a deep breath, Sebastian regarded Mark for a moment, then nodded.

“Okay. Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“I’ll do the same for you.”

Mark huffed a laugh and leaned in to kiss him.

“Sure. Go on then, IOU if you like sweetheart.”

Seb smiled, knowing Mark wouldn't call him on it. He’d just have to remember and find a time to offer himself. Maybe when Mark was due to fly out to Germany? They really did need to sit down with their diaries and make more plans. He puffed a little breath, not wanting to think about dealing with all that just yet. Still the winter break. Still their holiday. Still the summer, here at least.

 

Once they had cleared away the remnants of the meal they started tidying up; Leanne and her mother refusing any help in the kitchen whilst Dean and Alan made sure that the barbecue was properly out. Mark looked to his brother-in-law.

“Anything we can do mate?”

Dean turned around from where he was scraping out burnt out charcoal.

“Um, oh can you empty the paddling pool so I can stick it away?”

“Sure.”

Seb went with him, keeping an eye on Teddy now sat on the grass with his cousins, playing another game of roll the ball as they entertained him. Mark reached in to find the little plug, letting the couple of inches of water drain into the ground to empty it before they pulled the plugs on the blow-up rings too.

“Aw are you putting it away?”

Mark looked up from squeezing out air to see his nephew stood by them.

“Your dad asked us to mate.”

“It’ll just get full of bugs and stuff Ryan,” called his father from the side of the garden.

Ryan puffed a breath and nodded, then helpfully put one of his bare feet on a ring to squash more air out. Mark huffed a laugh and directed him to do that in a circle so they could fold it flat once it was down. Sebastian sat back as they took over, watching how Teddy interacted with Jemma and Abbey. When he babbled to him they answered quite as if they understood what he was saying even though Seb was sure they no more did than he and Mark. It seemed to amuse their son though, the little boy laughing and clapping as they praised him every time he stopped the ball or tried to roll it back to them.

 

“We’re gonna stick this back in the garage,” Dean informed them as he and Alan started wheeling the barbecue away.

“Sure. Um, this too?” asked Mark.

“Ah yeah, cheers mate.”

Sebastian turned to help Mark fold the plastic pool up as neatly as they could manage, then Mark stood with it to follow his brother-in-law around to the side of the house. That done, Ryan looked at the patch of soggy grass and lost no time in padding into it, laughing as it squelched beneath his bare feet.

“Ha, Teddy come and do this!” he called.

Seb was about to open his mouth to say no, but the girls were bringing Teddy over, walking him between them. There seemed no point being uptight about the little boy getting his feet a bit wet and muddy when the sun was still warm in the sky, so Sebastian stayed where he knelt on the safely dry grass and watched them. The teenagers happily took turns to splash the bit of water about and hold Teddy’s hands as they encouraged him to do the same.

“Is that fun?” smiled Seb.

“Yeah it is. You want to do it too Uncle Seb?”

Sebastian laughed as his nephew addressed him.

“I was kindof asking Teddy, but no you’re alright.”

Ryan shrugged and ducked down to balance so he could smile at his little cousin.

“It is fun isn’t it Teddy? Splish-splosh!”

Teddy laughed and tried moving his feet in the sodden grass, only not falling over because both girls still held his hands.

 

“Oh what _are_ you doing?” called Leanne from the kitchen doorway.

All her children froze and looked to her, Seb trying not to laugh at their reaction at being rumbled by their mother. She walked over and shook her head.

“You’re making a right mess of the lawn. Honestly.”

“We’re playing with Teddy,” excused Ryan as he stood up to face her.

“Hmm.

“He likes it Mum,” Abbey added.

Sebastian had stood too, wondering if he ought to have stopped them, but Leanne was smiling as she rolled her eyes.

“Let that water drain away and play somewhere you’re not going to destroy the grass.”

Ryan opened his mouth to protest, but his sisters were already walking Teddy away back to where they had been before. Stepping around the wet area Seb went over to his sister-in-law.

“Sorry, I should have said something.”

“Hm? Oh no don’t worry about it.” Leanne smiled as they looked over to see them resuming their earlier game. “They do love having a little one around. Gives them a chance to play again.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“They’ve been lovely with him. Really Leanne, they’re good kids.”

“Thank you.” She laughed. “Doesn’t hurt that I banned their phones today. From the garden at least.”

“Ha, good trick.”

“Just between you and me I’m amazed it worked actually, but there we go. Guess they do listen occasionally. And of course there’s Teddy to distract them.”

“Well they seem happy enough.”

“True.” Leanne took in a deep breath and sighed it out. “I can’t believe Jemma’s off to uni next month.”

“No,” agreed Seb.

She shook her head.

“Be you one day.”

“Hm?”

“Having to deal with Teddy flying the nest, all grown-up.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yeah. While yet though.”

“Ha, yeah you’ve got a bit of time to prepare yourself.”

 

“What we talking about?” asked Dean as they reappeared from the garage.

His wife smiled as she turned to him.

“Ah just the kids.”

“Your mother still inside?” asked Alan.

“Oh, yeah she’s just putting stuff away.”

Her father nodded and went in to see, Leanne smiling to Dean.

“My kitchen, but there we go.”

Dean chuckled and gave Seb and Mark a little flick of his eyebrows that told them he knew better than to get in the middle of that.

“Right love, shall we go sort out some more drinks then? You guys aren’t dashing off are you?”

 

Sebastian looked at his watch. It was gone seven and normally they’d be getting Teddy ready for bed, but he showed no signs of tiredness as he played along with his cousins and tomorrow they were going to be throwing all their body-clocks out of sync again by flying to the other side of the world, so why worry?

“We’re alright aren’t we?” he checked with Mark.

“Yeah if you are sweetheart. Teddy seems happy.”

“Right you are then,” nodded Dean. “More beer, or what do you fancy?”

“Oh I think just water mate, thanks,” replied Mark.

“Same.”

“Righto.”

“Oh and I need to grab you those things I dug out for Teddy,” remembered Leanne. “I’ll go get it before I forget again.”

  


Soon everyone was back outside, making the most of the last of the sun, sitting around on the grass or at the table. Sebastian and Mark sat talking with Leanne together on the lawn, Teddy now back with his grandmother who clearly wanted to make the most of her time with him. Leanne glanced over at her sat at the table, smiling and fussing over the little boy on her knee as she bounced his toy kangaroo in front of him.

“She’s gonna really miss you when you’re gone,” she noted.

Mark looked over and nodded.

“I know.”

“Ah well. Back before long.”

“You’ll come to the race won’t you?” checked Seb.

Leanne nodded.

“I don’t think you could keep Ryan away.”

“Ha, well I’ll mention it in work when I’m in, make sure that’s sorted.”

“Thanks. Oh Jemma will be busy of course, but count the rest of us in.”

“Sure.”

“You gonna be feeling all empty nest then?” asked Mark.

Leanne huffed a little laugh and looked to her children down the other end of the garden, now having a proper kick about with the football in the absence of anything better to do.

“Still have two at home to keep me busy.”

Mark nodded.

“And you’re going to come to us in the summer again aren’t you?” pressed Seb.

“I’m sure we’ll work it all out,” she assured them.

“Ah well you’d better,” teased Mark. “Teddy’s got quite attached to you all.”

“Well we’re very fond of him too.”

His sister smiled at him and Mark merely nodded back, knowing there was no point wishing they lived closer all over again. She saw him glance over again to be sure that Teddy was content with their mother, then went to stand up.

“Gonna nip to the loo. You guys want a drink or something while I’m up?”

“Nah I’m good. Seb?”

“No thanks Leanne.”

 

Left alone Sebastian leaned more into Mark, Mark putting his arm around him.

“You okay?”

“Yep.”

“Good.”

Seb looked over to check on their son, then caught Mark smiling at him.

“What?”

“No, I keep doing that. He’s with Mum, he’s fine.”

“I know. I was just wondering if he looked tired.”

“Ah.” Mark looked too, but Teddy was currently patting the toy kangaroo to get her to bounce it again. “Seems full of beans to me.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and nodded. Mark took in a long deep breath and let it out slowly as he looked at the blue sky.

“Don’t spose we’ll have much of this back home,” he noted.

“Hm?”

“Sunny evenings.”

“Ha, no Liebling, I shouldn't think so.” Seb looked at him more. “Home.”

“Yes?”

“No I mean…” Seb shrugged a shoulder. “Is England home for you now?”

Mark pursed his lips as he thought about it.

“Yeah I guess after all this time it is. Here is too, but yeah, home’s home. Home’s with you and Teddy and the dogs.”

“I miss them.”

Mark kissed his cheek.

“Me too darling. See them soon.”

“Yeah.”

“Back in our little castle, safe against winters storms.”

Sebastian chuckled and Mark put his arm around him to pull him closer, before lying back on the grass, Seb resting his head on Mark’s chest as they both looked up at that blue sky.

 

As Leanne came back out of the house she paused for a moment, looking over at them. Seb and Mark were simply lying there, not speaking but plainly content. It was a shame they couldn't stay longer, but she had no doubt they would be happy enough to be just to be the two of them again, with Teddy of course. Leanne smiled and detoured to go and sit with her mother so she too could make the most of her time with him before they went.

  


Sebastian lay gazing up at the sky above. He could tell that blue was growing paler and soon would fade into dusk as the sun sank in the distance. They ought to think about gathering their things and saying goodnight to head back, but while some warmth remained he just wanted to lie here soaking it up. Seb closed his eyes and let out a slow breath, feeling Mark’s chest move beneath him, slow and steady.

“I could fall asleep here,” he stated quietly.

Feeling Mark chuckle under him, Seb turned his head enough to see Mark smiling. Seb merely smiled back and returned to relaxing while they could.

Mark in turn moved his arms to fold his hands beneath his head. In all honesty he could happily drop off like this right here as well, though perhaps not with all his family as an audience. Blue was blue and the sky was the sky, but he was certain you never had ones quite as big as this back home. He smiled to himself thinking how they were both home. Home-from-home. There were worse things than belonging to more than one place.

 

Just as both of them really were in serious danger of dropping off, a little round face hoved into view above him before dropping into Mark.

“Dada.”

Mark smiled as both he and Seb sat up to help Teddy join them. Diane was stood behind him having brought him over.

“He said he was missing you.”

“Did you darling?

Teddy was leaning his body into Mark’s shoulder, looking at both his parents with a pout and what now looked like distinctly tired eyes.

“You feeling sleepy Teddybär?” asked Seb.

“I think he is a bit now,” agreed Diane.

Sebastian stroked over Teddy’s cheek as Mark gave him a cuddle.

“Ah well, you’ve had a nice time today haven’t you?”

“Da.”

“Yeah. Right, well guess that’s us then.”

He looked to Seb who nodded and stood up, lifting Teddy so Mark could stand too.

 

They started going to collect up all their things. Mark smiled as he hefted up the large bag of Ryan’s old clothes from when he was a toddler that his sister had given him.

“Thanks for this,” he nodded.

“Yes it’s very kind,” agreed Sebastian.

“I’m only glad to see them go to a good home.”

Sebastian looked in at their little boy.

“Are you going to give your Auntie Leanne a kiss to say thank you?”

He held him a little to the side, but Teddy merely crushed further into Seb.

“Sorry,” he apologised.

“Oh no he’s tired,” Leanne smiled, giving his arm a gentle stroke inside.

Seb nodded and kissed the top of his son’s head.

“We’d better get him to bed. Thank you so much for today. it’s been lovely.”

“Do you want me to take him while you sort yourselves out?” she offered.

Seb gave her a smile and a little shake of his head. Teddy was now refusing to go to anyone other than his parents as he clung to either Seb or Mark while the rest of the family instead helped to collect all Teddy’s toys and essentials, Alan packing the car while they said goodbyes. By the time they were stood in front of the house Teddy’s head was on Mark’s shoulder and he suspected the baby wouldn't even make the short journey to his parents’ without falling asleep in his car seat.

“Are you gonna say bye Teddy?” encouraged Mark.

Teddy glanced to him, but only looked to his relatives when his cousins started giving him waves and saying bye.

“Bye,” he offered quietly.

As his cousins smiled and repeated waving, Teddy only managed a weak flap of his hand in response.

“Sorry guys, think he’s done,” Mark apologised.

“Wore you out didn’t they?” smiled Dean.

“At least he’ll sleep well,” Leanne offered.

“Hopefully,” Seb agreed.

“Do I get a goodbye hug?” asked Leanne.

Mark tried holding Teddy towards his aunt, but he only clung more into him so she simply kissed his round cheek.

“Take care sweetheart. We’ll see you soon.”

Sebastian smiled at how his nephew and nieces were still waving at Teddy despite getting no response now.

“Thanks for having us.”

“Ah no bother.”

“And I’ll let you know about race arrangements and stuff.”

“Sure.”

“Thanks Uncle Seb,” smiled Ryan.

Mark chuckled at how that got his attention, then looked to his parents already getting into the car to go.

“Call us when you get home,” requested Leanne. “Or just a text. I suppose you’ll be tired.”

“Ha, you’re right there,” agreed Mark.

His sister smiled and gave him a half hug before doing the same with Seb as all the family did likewise. Soon they were in the car, Seb and Mark shoehorned into the back alongside Teddy as they waved to Leanne and her family waving them off as Diane back the car out of the drive. Seb raised Teddy’s hand to wave for him, but as soon as he let go it flopped back down and within a minute their son’s round cheek was squashed into the side of his seat and he was fast asleep.

The sun was sinking out of sight and when they saw it again they would up rushing around in the morning, preparing to catch their early flight home so thanks to the confusing machinations of datelines they could make the journey home in time to arrive back in England by early evening on the same day despite a flight time of over twenty hours. If Teddy was as peaceful as this for that journey his parents would count themselves very lucky, but the odds were against it. Just so long as they made it home in one piece that would have to do.

  


  


By eight am on the Sunday it was time for more goodbyes, Teddy doing rather better with them this time as he waved to his grandparents from Seb’s arms. Alan had his arm around his wife, knowing she was doing well to hold back tears, though she had come perilously close when their grandson had consented to give goodbye hugs a minute ago. Then Teddy was in his car-seat, Seb and Mark climbing in the front and more waves goodbye before they were gone. The moment the car disappeared from sight Diane swallowed and turned into her husband, Alan rubbing over her back as she cried.

“It’s alright love, we’ll see them soon.”

Diane nodded into his shoulder, but she didn’t lift up so Alan merely hugged her in. Same every time they parted. The perils of having family living on the other side of the world.

  


In the car Mark was already turning onto the main road to the airport, thinking about how quickly they could get boarded and be on their way. The Australian summer would soon be far behind them. They would be stepping off the plane into an English winter; grey skies, sleet and rain, going back to work and plans and schedules and real life.

Mark took a deep breath and gave Seb a smile.

“Back home soon.”

Seb huffed a laugh and nodded.

Home soon. Back to the cold and the damp of England in January. Seb back to work preparing for the new season, Mark having to properly get into returning to racing and both of them anticipating how things would pan out with all the changes afoot. They would need to see where there might be pinch points through the year and when things might get difficult. There were all kinds of new challenges they would have to face as a family in the year to come. They’d need to go through all of that when they got home. But until they got there, that could all wait just a little bit longer.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pelicans are scary, believe me...


	248. El Niño

* * *

 

 

It was raining. Again. In fact it had rained pretty much solidly since they got home, but as Sebastian sat in the conference room at the factory in Milton Keynes he stared at the water streaking down the windows in endless little rivulets and wondered if it would ever stop. Watching the news last night they had been informed that a warm front had blown in from the south west across the Atlantic since before the weekend and was showing no sign of moving on. Rain was the result and though the temperatures were warmer relative to average for January, it felt miserable.

It hadn’t exactly been the most inspiring thing to see on opening the curtains this morning, but Seb hadn’t in all honesty been looking forward to going back into work so soon anyway. Not that he really minded what they were doing. It was good to see people and catch up with colleagues to hear about their Christmasses and share his own. Seb was genuinely interested to hear about the developments of the new car as the department heads updated them all, but a couple more days just to catch up on himself really would have helped.

Mark had held Teddy in his arms, safely tucked inside the hallway as Seb kissed them goodbye this morning. Seb recalled how Mark had joked that they might just go back to bed for a bit once Pauline had gone. Urgh. Bed. That sounded so nice. Maybe they could all have a nice nap later this afternoon when he got home, cuddled up under the duvet together ignoring the dreary weather to feel warm inside. Yes he was definitely going to suggest that.

“So Sebastian, what are your thoughts?” asked Christian from his position at the top of the large table.

Sebastian looked to him and blinked. Oh god, what had they just been talking about?

“Um, yeah. Sounds very interesting,” he covered. “I’ll be interested to try the car in the sim next week.”

“Great,” nodded Christian. “I’m sure we’ll all be interested to see how that goes.”

The head of aerodynamics was up next and Sebastian suppressed a yawn as he focussed on what was being said. Hopefully a break was due soon. More coffee and he’d be fine. Bless Mark for getting up with Teddy in the night as he readjusted to British time. Seb was still knackered from his own jetlag and being woken by crying wasn’t what he needed, but it was something to be able to stay in bed, so he’d had some sleep, if not enough. This afternoon he only had his new seat-fitting session to get done, so if he fell asleep during that Seb didn’t think it would actually matter.

 

He texted as much to Mark during his lunch break, smiling as he read the reply.

MARK: Do the fitting with your helmet on & they’ll never know x

“What’s he say?” asked Daniel sat opposite him in the cafeteria.

Sebastian huffed a laugh and explained, Daniel laughing as well.

“Ah. Yeah well I feel ya mate. I got back from Perth on New Year’s Eve to go to a mate’s party in MC and I never even made it to midnight.”

“Ha, really?”

“Yeah. Shocking display. I actually fell asleep on the sofa right in the middle of everyone.”

“That’s a shame.”

“Hey I tell you mate it’s a miracle I’m sat here without one eyebrow shaved off knowing that lot.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Oh god, imagine the publicity shots. Christian would kill you.”

“Yeah, be funny though.”

Sebastian gave a little tip of his head. He wouldn't think so, but then Daniel had a rather more party-orientated attitude to life.

 

 

Back home Mark smiled at Teddy as he wiped his face clean from eating his own lunch.

“Sounds like Papa’s a bit tired mate. I am too. Are you gonna go down for your nap after this?”

“Papa.”

“Yeah.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Feels familiar this doesn’t it bud? Just you and me.”

As he set down the cloth Mark stroked over his son’s now clean cheek. It was getting close to when their lives would change and he too would have to return to work. That in itself was fine. Even a little exciting if he was honest, but it also meant being parted from this lovely little boy who was currently reaching to stroke Mark’s own cheek. Teddy had pretty much dominated his world for the last year and changing that was going to tougher than Mark had ever imagined going into this.

“Copying Daddy are you?” he smiled, moving his head closer to let him reach. “Daddy’s here. Papa will be back as soon as he can too. We’ll never be apart from you any more than we have to.”

“Dada.”

Mark stared into those blue eyes, wondering as ever if Teddy understood him.

“Last little drink?” he offered, giving Teddy his cup only for it to be rejected. “No? Okay.”

 

Two chubby arms stretched out to him now and Mark knew what that meant, so he unclipped the belts holding his son in his high-chair and lifted him out, giving Teddy a cuddle as those arms went round his neck. As he straightened up Mark looked at the detritus from their lunch, then decided to leave it until he’d put his son down for his nap. He took him up to the nursery and grabbed a storybook to sit in the rocking chair to read. Teddy tried to clumsily turn the pages, swiping at them with his hand, so Mark helped him, reading the words in a quiet calm voice to help his son feel peaceful.

As he tucked the blanket around him Mark looked down at Teddy in his cot, wondering if it felt strange for him to not only be expected to sleep at different hours again, but to be all bundled up in warm winter clothes to suit the English weather.

“Long way from Grandma and Granddad’s now aren’t we mate?”

He looked for the kangaroo and koala toys they had played with in here this morning and set them at the end of the chest of drawers near the cot.

“There we go mate, Kanga and Koala to watch over you.”

“Dada.”

“Have a little rest now darling.”

He stroked over Teddy’s blonde hair and smiled down to him before taking in the deepest of breaths and stepping away. Going over to the window he drew the curtains closed in the hope that lower light might encourage his son to think he should sleep. Then with a last look to be sure Teddy was okay, Mark picked up the monitor and quietly exited the room. Pausing on the landing he waited to see if there were to be howls of protest, but it seemed not. Maybe his tricks had worked, or maybe Teddy was actually tired. He had certainly been up enough in the night. Not his fault Mark knew.

Mark glanced down the stairs knowing that the kitchen needed tidying, then looked back to his own open bedroom door. Sod it, like in the old days, if Teddy was napping then Mark knew he should take a nap too. There was no point exhausting himself for no reason. The kitchen could wait. He went into his room and put the monitor on the side, checking it was loud enough to hear his son breathing before lying down on top of the duvet just to have a little rest. As his head hit the soft pillow he stared at the rain dashing incessantly at the window, then closed his eyes. Thirty seconds later Mark was fast asleep.

 

 

“So did you actually drop off then?” Mark asked.

Sebastian stood holding Teddy in the kitchen, making up for lost contact earlier in the day.

“No I was fine in the end.”

Mark nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Well done.”

“Ha, achievement of the day.”

“More than I’ve done.”

“No you’ve been looking after Teddy.”

“That’s true,” agreed Mark. “This morning we had an arduous cooking lesson in his kitchen in the nursery.”

Seb smiled and looked to Teddy.

“Did you? Have you been teaching Daddy Liebling?”

“Ha, yeah I learned a lot. Who knew you could mix fried eggs with grapes to make such a yummy meal.”

Sebastian laughed, though he was a little sad to have missed their son’s games.

“Sounds delicious. Did you eat it all up?”

“I did,” Mark confirmed. “We sat at his little table and everything.”

“You sat at his table?”

“Yes, course.”

“On one of his chairs?”

Mark shrugged.

“They’re pretty sturdy wooden ones. Admittedly my knees were somewhere near my ears but I felt it was only polite to make the effort seeing as he’d served it up on his little plates and everything.”

“Course,” nodded Seb.

“And then we tried playing ‘let’s put all the plastic food in the basket to tidy away’, but apparently what is far more fun is to watch Daddy do that and then tip it out all over the nursery carpet.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Oh no.”

“Mm. Little monkey.”

Mark chubbed their son’s cheek, then looked to Seb.

“Right, cuppa then and you can tell me all about how you got on today?”

“Thanks.”

 

Mark nodded and set about making it so they could sit at the table for a proper catch up, Seb telling him all about his old colleagues and how things were looking with the development of the new car. As Seb finished his mug of tea he gave the dogs a rub as they sat by their feet and looked out of the window.

“I can’t believe it’s _still_ raining.”

“Mm. We did take them for a shortish walk this morning, but I was thinking we could go again when you got in,” commented Mark, looking out at the rain as well. He puffed a breath. “I was hoping it might dry up a bit, but it doesn’t look much like it.”

“No. There’s basically a stream going across the lane before the junction.”

“Really?”

“Yeah not deep or anything, but it’s flowing slightly downhill.”

“I think the fields are water-logged now.”

“Mm.”

“Teddy and I went the other way up towards the farm so he could see if there were any animals for him to look at through the gate.”

“Were there?”

“Nope.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Don’t spose he minded too much seeing as he was undercover in his buggy.”

“Full wets conditions,” smiled Seb.

“Yep, and safety car I reckon.”

“Ha, red flag and restart later.”

Mark chuckled and nodded.

“Yeah I’m in no rush to brave it again that’s for sure.” He reached to rub over Simba’s ears. “You’ll be alright won’t you?”

 

Simba nuzzled into his hand seeming content enough. Ever since they had got back from Australia all the dogs had done was fuss over their masters, so they weren’t about to make too much fuss at not getting a second walk today.

“What do you want to do then sweetheart?” asked Mark.

Seb glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall. The very clock given to him by his mechanics he had spent time with earlier. It was gone four now. Getting on, but not late. Taking in a deep breath Sebastian looked to Teddy, then Mark.

“In all honesty Liebling I was sort of hoping for a nap. Is that rubbish of me?”

“No, not at all. You’ve been in work all day after hardly any sleep. You go ahead darling. Teddy and I had our nap earlier.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian bit his lip a little and scrunched his nose and Mark smiled as he realised.

“Ah, you meant together.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“It’s okay.”

Mark stroked over his arm. He could tell from the look in Seb’s eye that he had been looking forward to that.

“Nah, you know what, I am still pretty tired and it’s miserable out. Why don’t we go have a nice cuddle up in bed? Teddy can bring his little mates and we’ll get cosy for a bit.”

Sebastian smiled and Mark knew he’d said the right thing.

“If you’re sure?” checked Seb.

“Yep.”

“Just for half an hour or so.”

Mark shrugged.

“Meh, we’ll see how we go.” He stood to take Teddy out of his high-chair. “C’mon buddy. You can pick which of your soft toys you want to have.”

Sebastian stood as well, ditching their mugs and Teddy’s cup in the sink along with his snack bowl. Seb had spent some time with his trainer earlier and snacks were definitely off the agenda for him seeing as he’d apparently over-indulged more than he’d realised over Christmas. Back in the gym tomorrow.

 

Soon they were snuggling in under the duvet, propped up just a little by pillows so Teddy could play with his toy koala and dinosaur as he leaned into Mark, Seb beside them resting into Mark’s side. Seb smiled as Mark pretended to introduce the two toys to each other.

“So this is Dino, one of Teddy’s oldest mates and this is Koala, who’s come all the way from Oz.”

“Like you,” pointed out Seb.

“Ha, true.”

“He needs a name.”

Mark looked to Teddy who was petting the koala’s fluffiest tufts of hair around his ears.

“What’s his name then buddy?”

“Dada,” smiled Teddy.

“Ha, that’d get confusing.”

Sebastian looked up to him.

“Maybe he thinks that cos he’s Aussie.”

“Ah maybe. Is that it Teddy? Is everybody from Australia called Daddy? What about Grandma and Granddad and all the rest?”

Seb watched as Mark nuzzled the blue felt dinosaur into the koala to make their son smile.

“What about Sydney?” he offered.

“Hm?”

“For the koala’s name.”

“Oh. Ha, yeah that’s good,” agreed Mark. “Whadda we think mate? Hm? Papa says we should call him Sydney. Syd the koala.”

Sebastian smiled as Teddy gave the toy a squeeze which they took as approval. Then a yawn escaped and Mark looked to him.

“Have a nap darling, we’re good here.”

“’kay.”

Taking a deeper breath Seb let out an even bigger yawn and settled a little lower into Mark’s side before closing his eyes and dropping off to get the rest he needed. Mark smiled to see him asleep, then looked to Teddy, speaking quietly.

“You and I will just have a little play mate, because you sunshine are going to sleep tonight.”

“Dada.”

“Yep.” Mark huffed a laugh, then moved Teddy’s hand from reaching to paw at Seb. “Let Papa sleep mate. It’s his turn. Now then. What are Dino and Syd going to talk about?”

 

He found a way to amuse his son to keep them occupied for a while, then as Teddy started to shift about and pulled a face, Mark lifted him up and sniffed, pulling away at what he inhaled.

“Oof. Right, okay then.”

He eased back the duvet and stood holding his son into his hip before tucking the cover back around Seb who merely leaned into the pillow where Mark had been without opening his eyes. Mark took Teddy through to the nursery to change him then put him down to let him toddle about for a few minutes before taking him back through to find Seb still dead to the world. He eased them back under the duvet beside him, smiling at Teddy who giggled as though this were some kind of private joke between them. Mark gave him a wink.

“Well done. Now you just have a cuddle of these guys and we’ll see how we get on.”

 

Unfortunately they only managed another ten minutes before Teddy got restless and accidentally woke Seb by crawling onto him. As Seb rubbed at his face to orientate himself Mark lifted Teddy away.

“Sorry sweetheart. Let go of him a sec.”

Sebastian sat up and shook his head, seeing that it was dark out now.

“S’okay. What time is it?”

Mark looked at his watch.

“Nearly quarter to five.”

“Oh gosh.”

Mark chuckled.

“Not that late.”

“No I spose.” He rested back into Mark’s side for a minute as they watched Teddy crawling about on their legs, then as he got close to the edge of the bed and Mark had to grab him back, Seb sat up more. “We should get up. Let him have a proper play.”

“You sure?”

“Yep. Is his trike in the lounge?”

“Ah, yeah. That’s a good idea. Let’s go do some peddling Teddy.”

 

Sebastian was still waking himself up properly as they knelt on the lounge carpet to help Teddy push his trike about. It felt bigger in here now that the Christmas tree and all the decorations were down, but it made Seb sad that they weren’t here any more. They had forced themselves to take everything down the day before they went out to Australia, deciding that a, they would be in no shape to do it when they got back (which was certainly proving a correct prediction) and b, it was bad luck to leave things up later than twelfth night. So now the lounge sat bare and ordinary in January. Nothing wrong with it, but it almost felt as drab as the weather after getting used to seeing bright colours and sparkling lights. He let out a sigh and Mark looked to him.

“You okay?”

“Mm.”

Mark huffed a little laugh as he let Teddy try pushing himself forwards.

“That sounds like no.”

“No I am, I’m fine. It’s just this time of year.”

“Ah. Yeah I know what you mean.”

“I guess it doesn’t help coming from all that sunshine into this.”

“Mm.”

Seb looked to him.

“I mean it was great, being in Australia. I loved it, I just mean the contrast.”

Mark nodded, pausing only to right Teddy as he slipped a little to the side from his trike seat.

“Well look, we’ve got our anniversary coming up. Why don’t we plan something nice for it?”

“Okay.”

“We could go for a meal, or I don’t know. What do you fancy?”

Sebastian shrugged and Mark looked at him a little more searchingly, guessing that eating out wasn’t grabbing him.

“Or something more exciting?” he tried.

“Oh no a meal would be nice, just, I don’t know, I was thinking with Teddy.”

“I’m sure Pauline would babysit.”

“Mm.”

 

As Teddy slid off his trike again Seb lifted him to sit on his knee and Mark pondered things.

“What about a little trip somewhere instead?” he proposed.

“A trip?”

“Yeah not far or anything. Just for the weekend.”

“Where were you thinking?”

“Um…” Mark pondered, thinking where was within easy reach. “Ooh, now have you ever been to Edinburgh?”

“Edinburgh?”

“Yeah, in Scotland.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Yes I know where it is Liebling.”

“Just an idea. It’s a nice city, lots to see and do.”

“You’ve been?”

“Yeah it’s nice. Bit hilly, but it wouldn't matter what the weather was like. There’s loads of shops and places to eat. There’s even a castle that Teddy might look around.”

“Could we fly up?”

“That’s what I was thinking. Long drive, but hang on…” Mark pulled out his phone to check the flight time. “Only an hour. We could go Friday afternoon, come back in time for Sunday evening. Stay in the city centre and just pootle about the place. Might be fun.”

Sebastian nodded, warming to the idea.

“Could we do some research and see what we could do?”

“Sure. We’ll get the laptop out when this little one’s gone down later.”

“Okay, yeah. I mean if it’s just an hour.” Seb laughed. “Takes that long to drive into London from here.”

“Mm, well we’d have the transfers to add in,” noted Mark, thinking what that added in. “Extra half hour either side maybe, but that’s not too bad.”

“No. Hm, okay then, let’s look into it.”

“We could stay at a nice hotel.”

A little furrow appeared on Seb’s brow and Mark saw it.

“What? You don’t fancy that?”

“No it’s okay, just we spend half our lives in hotels. Do you think there might be apartments you can hire there?”

“Ah, now there’s an idea. Yep I’m sure there are.” Mark nodded, thinking how much easier that might be with Teddy. “Big tourist place, but I doubt it’d be too busy this time of year. Bet we can find somewhere nice right in the heart of things.”

“Cool. Yeah I think that’d be good,” agreed Sebastian.

 

Mark smiled at the way Seb sat with his shoulders set a little further back now. Half the fun for Seb would be in researching it all, but that was fine. It would keep them busy.

“There we go then. Good stuff.”

Sebastian let Teddy totter back to Mark to be helped onto his trike once more and sat back, already making plans. A castle sounded interesting and he’d bet there’d be nice parks and some museums worth a look, hopefully ones with things for Teddy and Edinburgh sounded the sort of place that would have good bookshops. He looked over to see Mark smiling at him.

“What?”

Mark shook his head.

“You’re already planning things aren’t you?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Just ideas. Do you think Pauline will be able to look after the dogs?”

“We’ll ask her in the morning. She’s not mentioned anything she’s got on.”

“Shame they can’t come, but I don’t think a city is a good place for them.”

“No. Well we wouldn't be away long.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark gave Teddy a wink.

“Think we’re gonna have another little adventure kiddo. Suspect it might be a bit nippier than our last one, but should be fun.”

 

 

The following morning they continued researching their potential trip, Mark ringing the company who organised their flights while Seb dug into places for them to stay. Teddy played with the dogs and his toys sat on the carpet in front of them, no interest in what his parents were beavering away at. Pauline had already confirmed that it was no great trouble for her to come and look after the dogs over the weekend and as Mark ended his call he turned to Seb sat peering in at his laptop.

“They say we’re good, so I’ve provisionally booked them and we can call back with exact details.”

“Great. What do you think of these ones?”

He nodded to the website for what were advertised as luxury city apartments and Mark scanned the blurb before Seb flicked through the photographs to show him.

“It’s in the old town,” Seb explained. “Looks like a new building tucked behind the old ones, but I think that’d probably be good because then it’d be quieter.”

“Sure. Looks good.”

 

Sebastian started going through all the different varieties of apartment available, looking which they could get late bookings on and what the different configurations were that might suit their needs. Mark nodded along, half an eye on Teddy who was introducing all his soft toys to Shadow and Simba, the dogs giving them a nuzzle then pushing them back to him as the baby sat between them.

“Do you think we need two bedrooms or is one okay if we can have a cot?” asked Seb.

Mark glanced at what he was being shown.

“I’m sure either’s fine.”

“Mm, oh, damn that one’s booked up, um… maybe, hang on.”

Sebastian went on clicking, going round and round various pages before nodding to himself.

“I think that would be best,” he declared. “You can get ones with a terrace and city views. Bit more expensive, but that one has a bath which would be good for Teddy and it says there’s a lift, so it wouldn't matter that it’s at the top.”

“Uh-huh. Looks fine sweetheart.”

“They’ve got proper kitchens.”

“Yep.” Mark huffed a laugh. “Comfy bed and a comfy sofa. I’m all good.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head at Mark taking this less seriously. Maybe he was getting too into it all though. They were only going to be staying two nights, not moving in.

“So I guess if I email and ask about a cot and a highchair and maybe see if they’d let us do a late check-out on the Sunday, or at least store our bags until we go.”

Mark huffed a laugh and pointed at the screen.

“There’s a number to ring.”

“Oh, um.”

“At this rate darling it’ll all be booked out if we wait for emails to go back and forth.”

Seeing his hesitation Mark picked his phone back up from the coffee table.

“This is the one we want?” he checked.

“Well yes, or closest to it. Whatever we can really get I suppose. We really do need to get it booked.”

“Right.”

 

Mark started dialling, Seb sat beside him still slightly in awe of how confidently Mark spoke to complete strangers without even seeing them, charming whoever was on the other end of the line into making the booking there and then, arranging everything they needed for Teddy and persuading them to allow them to leave later if they paid a little extra for the privilege. That arranged Mark put his hand over the phone.

“Can you chat to her a sec while I grab my wallet?”

“Joint account.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian accepted the phone while Mark sprang up. He paused a moment, then put the phone to his ear.

“Um, hi.”

“Hello. I think we’re all sorted then.”

“He’s just getting the card.”

“Yes he said. No problem.”

Sebastian smiled at the distinct Scottish accent coming down the line.

“So, um everything's okay for the baby things?” he checked.

“Yes we’ll have that all sorted for you. You’re lucky actually. We’re nearly booked up with Burns Night in the week.”

“Oh right,” nodded Seb having no idea what she was talking about.

“We had a cancellation for your apartment though.”

“Oh that is lucky then.”

“Aye it is. Well for you, less so for the American couple who had to cancel, but there we go hen, all comes around.”

“Yes,” he agreed, now wondering what had befallen the couple who had had to cancel.

 

Mark reappeared with his wallet, sitting down and pulling out the right card.

“I’ll just hand you back,” explained Seb. “Thanks so much for helping us out.”

“Glad to help.”

Mark took the phone back and spoke to the woman, reading out long numbers from his card before rounding everything up and ending the call. As he put the phone down he fitted the bank card away and set them all on the table beside the laptop.

“Right, all sorted. She says she’ll send us and email with all the booking details and another one just before we go with passcodes and stuff.”

“Great.” Sebastian sighed. “You’re so good at that.”

“What?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“Just, I don’t know, breezing in, getting people to want to say yes to you.”

“Ha.”

“No you are.”

“Well I don’t know about that.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“Check out time is meant to be by eleven. What time did you get her to agree to?”

Mark smiled.

“Half twelve on Sunday.”

“Hm, exactly.”

“Yeah with bunging them an extra fifty quid on top of the price.”

“Even so Liebling.”

“Well I’m sure you’d have charmed her sweetheart.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I’m not good over the phone. Not if I don’t know them. I get nervous.”

 

Mark looked at him, wondering how someone who week in week out confidently addressed the world’s media could feel anxious speaking to a receptionist over the phone, but if he did he did. Mark knew he would have tired of trawling the internet for somewhere to stay within half an hour and just booked the first half decent place he found whilst Seb took it so seriously, going into all the details and making sure everything was perfect. He’d already found at least half a dozen things for them to do nearby when Mark would have most likely relied on winging it when they got there.

He leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“All sorted. You did all the ground work sweetheart. Complimentary skills.”

Seb smiled at that, then opened up a new tab to see the email had already popped up to confirm their booking.

“That was quick.”

“Very efficient,” agreed Mark. “Guess it’s all automated, but there we go.”

Sebastian read the email, noting at the end the extra assurance that a cot and high-chair would be provided as well as their late departure time.

“Right well guess I might as well confirm the plane then,” decided Mark.

“Oh and the car transfers.”

“Yep.”

“With a baby-seat in.”

Mark huffed a laugh, tempted to suggest Seb make the call himself, but he just nodded and got on with it seeing as he had spoken to them earlier knowing it would make things quicker. A few minutes later he had ended another call.

“Sorted,” he declared.

“Great. Thank you Liebling.”

Sebastian leaned over to kiss his cheek and Mark smiled.

“Joint effort.”

 

Mark laughed as he looked at his watch; barely half past ten. Seb had spent most of last night on this and got the laptop out again as soon as they’d finished breakfast.

“You know sweetheart if you get bored with racing you’ve a sure-fire future in team logistics.”

“Ha, no thanks,” smiled Seb. “Can you imagine how stressful this would be doing it for a whole team for twenty races all round the world?”

“Mm I guess so. Well, just our team logistics then.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head, about to flip the laptop shut. He didn’t need to wait to see the flight confirmation seeing as they used them all the time and never had any issues. As he was about to close it though, another email pinged into the inbox and Seb paused, seeing it not from with the apartment rental or their flight co-ordinator.

“It’s Rachel Liebling,” he noted as he clicked on the message.

“Oh right, about her visit?”

“Yeah.”

Teddy was tottering over, holding onto the coffee table to reach his parents sat on the sofa. As he got to them Mark scooped him up onto his lap and leaned in to read the email Seb was looking at.

“Well that’s alright, only checking next Tuesday’s still good for us,” he commented.

Sebastian nodded. Any visit from their case-worker still managed to make him feel a little bit nervous even when he knew there was nothing to worry about.

“Last one,” noted Mark. “That’s something to celebrate isn’t it?”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Maybe don’t put it to her like that Liebling.”

“No I meant…”

“I know,” smiled Seb. “It is good. So, I’ll say that’s fine yeah?”

“Yep.”

 

Sebastian quickly composed a reply to say they were fine to see her on the arranged date and was rewarded with a message quickly bouncing back to say Rachel looked forward to seeing them.

“All sorted then,” confirmed Mark.

“Yeah.”

Mark turned Teddy more to face Sebastian.

“Right, well what shall we do now?”

Sebastian glanced towards the window to see it was _still_ raining. Nothing to be done about that though.

“Go swimming?” he proposed.

Mark nodded.

“Why not?” Mark angled his head to look at Teddy. “Shall we get the inflatables out bud, have a play?”

“I kinda need to do some laps as well,” admitted Seb thinking of his trainer’s comments from the day before.

“Sure. No problem. Teddy and I will cheer you on.”

Sebastian laughed.

“I’ll have a play too.”

“Excellent.”

Mark stood holding Teddy and Seb copied. The weather might be dreary, but they could make their own sunshine.

 

 

 

The following Monday the rain had finally let up and seeing as Pauline knew they were due a visit the next day she pretty much shooed them out of the house to walk the dogs so she could do a thorough clean of the place. As they walked down the lane Seb reflected how she took visits just as seriously as he did, even if they were only to post-adoption chats, not being inspected. Pauline would still make sure there wasn’t a speck of dust in the most unused of spare rooms that Rachel would never venture into. At least it meant they never had to worry about any of that.

 

The next day Pauline had offered to take the dogs out for their walk while Rachel visited mid-morning, but Mark assured her it wasn’t needed and she had done more than enough to help, so by the time their visitor arrived, it was just them.

Naturally Rachel had no intention of walking around the house running a finger over the furniture to check for dust. Instead she sat drinking coffee in the lounge, smiling as Teddy played on the floor with his toys (the dogs left shut in the kitchen, just on the safe side).

“I can hardly believe it’s been a year,” she commented.

Mark smiled as Teddy pushed himself up to stand and toddled to them.

“I can. Feels like forever.”

Seb looked in at their son stood holding onto both of their knees.

“I find it hard to imagine what our life was like before.”

Rachel nodded from where she sat on the other sofa, watching as the little boy attempted to haul himself up into his parents’ knees, Seb lifting him up to sit with them. She sat quietly for a moment, observing their interactions and the way Mark and Seb listened to their son babbling, trying to interpret what he was saying and talking with him, smiling as he called them dada and papa. They seemed quite content as a family, comfortable together, happy in their home. They didn’t need her around and that was the best result she could hope for in her job.

She drank her coffee and asked them all about how they had spent Christmas and New Year, smiling as she was shown photographs of all the things they had been up to.

“We’re having a little trip away for our anniversary as well,” Seb informed her.

“Oh yes. Anywhere nice?”

“Just up to Edinburgh.”

“Practically on our doorstep by our standards,” noted Mark.

Rachel laughed.

“Very close. Still, nice to do something different.”

“That’s what we thought. And Seb’s never been.”

“Ah, perfect then. Well I hope you have a nice time.”

“Thanks.”

“At least this trip we won’t have to deal with any jet-lag,” added Sebastian.

Mark nodded.

“Lord yeah, can do without any more of that for a while.”

“Teddy settled back really quite quickly after we got back from Australia,” hurried Seb.

Rachel smiled. Still so keen to justify themselves and worry what she might think.

“Good to hear. He seems fine now. Really walking about isn’t he?”

Seb smiled in at Teddy.

“Yeah he’s doing great.”

“Little bit tired,” allowed Mark. “He’s due his nap in a bit.”

“Oh don’t keep him up on my account,” assured Rachel.

Mark glanced at his watch.

“Nah good for a bit yet. He can go down after you’re gone.”

 

Rachel nodded, happy to trust they knew what was best for their son. There was certainly no more well-travelled child on her books, but all those photographs of Teddy with his extended family in both Germany and Australia showed a child who had people who loved him right around the world. If only half the children she was responsible for were as lucky.

As they rounded up and prepared to say their goodbyes Rachel accepted Teddy onto her lap so she could say farewell to him too.

“It’ll feel strange for you not to come over,” admitted Mark.

“It’ll feel strange not to come,” Rachel smiled back.

“So everything’s fine then?” checked Sebastian.

Rachel stopped herself from shaking her head.

“Of course. Really Seb, these past few months, it’s just protocol that I had to come over. That and your good coffee.”

“Ha, thanks Rach,” smiled Mark.

“All I need to do now is go back to the office, write my final report and you get a letter confirming we’re all signed off. That’s it,” she promised. “Absolutely nothing to worry about.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Unless there’s anything you want to ask me that’ll be that.”

“Right.”

“But as I’ve always told you, any time you want to get in touch, about any questions, concerns, anything you need help with, just give me a ring or drop me a line and I’ll do whatever you need.”

“Thanks. I can’t really think of anything.”

“No but if you do, no matter how far off it is, just get in touch and I’ll be there. Don’t ever worry that it would be considered a failing of any kind to ask.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb a smile.

“Like Seb said, we can’t think of anything right now, but good to know.”

“Right, well I guess I’d better get back and do some real work,” decided Rachel.

 

Mark came and took Teddy from her and they all went into the hall, Rachel sorting herself out to go. As she stood by the door Rachel smiled at Teddy now resting his head on Mark’s shoulder as he held him, definitely looking ready for that nap now.

“Well all the best. Remember what I said about getting in touch if you need anything at all,” she reminded them.

“Sure,” nodded Mark.

“I think we’re okay,” asserted Sebastian.

Rachel smiled.

“I know you’re more than okay. Just on the off-chance you think of a question. Don’t hesitate. That’s all.”

“Gotcha,” agreed Mark. “Very kind of you.”

“My job, but I’d be more than happy to hear from you.”

“Hopefully not with a problem.”

Rachel huffed a little laugh.

“I don’t anticipate any, but you know where I am if there’s anything you need.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, really Rachel we wanted to say a big thank you for all you’ve done for us.”

“Absolutely,” concurred Mark. “A really big thanks.”

“Well as I say, it is my job.”

Seb shook his head.

“You’ve made our dreams come true.” He placed a hand on Teddy’s back as he looked to him. “We have a family thanks to you.”

Rachel shook her head in turn.

“No, you have a family thanks to all your hard work. I’m only glad to have been able to help.”

“It’s appreciated,” Mark assured.

“Very much,” Seb added.

“To see you happy as a family is all the thanks I need. So, good luck, all the best and I guess I’m most likely to see you again racing on my TV.”

Both Seb and Mark laughed at that.

“We’ll give you a wave Rach,” Mark offered.

“Very kind.”

Sebastian opened the door for her and Rachel hitched up her bag.

“Is it wrong if I give you a hug?” Sebastian asked.

Rachel smiled.

“Not at all.”

She hugged him, then accepted a half hug from Mark as well, then took a deep breath and stepped out, saying final goodbyes before going to her car. Mark and Seb stood in the doorway waving her off, Rachel smiling to see Teddy copying his parents and waving as well. Then she was gone. Sebastian closed the door and let out a long sigh. Mark huffed out a laugh and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“That’s that then.”

“Yeah. Feels a bit weird,” admitted Seb.

“I guess. Good though.”

“Course good.”

“Right,” Mark looked to Teddy. “Let’s get this little guy down for his nap.”

 

They went upstairs to lie a sleepy looking Teddy down in his cot. As they stood for a moment gazing down at him, Mark put his arm around Seb.

“All signed off, all good.”

“Yeah.”

“He’s our son sweetheart,” whispered Mark. “It was never going to be any different.”

Sebastian smiled to him.

“Fate?”

“Fate we made.”

“Guess so,” agreed Seb.

Mark kissed his cheek.

“C’mon, let’s leave him to it.”

Seb nodded and they quietly walked out, shutting the door behind them. As they paused on the landing Sebastian took a deep breath.

“It does feel good to have it all completed.”

“Yeah course it does.”

“I know it’s silly to worry when there was nothing, but…”

Seb shrugged and Mark nodded.

“Yeah I know. Done now. Just a bit of paperwork due for us to file away.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Oh god, I’ll be so glad to not have any more paperwork to deal with.”

“Me too. Hm, so, what shall we do to celebrate?” asked Mark.

“Ha, oh god, I don’t know.”

“Cup of tea?”

Sebastian laughed and kissed him.

“Sounds perfect Liebling.”

 

 

 

 

With days filled with work, training, playing and getting out to walk the dogs whenever the weather wasn’t completely atrocious, time passed quite quickly to the end of the week when they were packing bags again to go away. The irony of flying off somewhere for a break when they were concerned about the amount they were going to be travelling this year wasn’t lost on either Seb or Mark, but they had tried to arrange this weekend to be as easy as possible, so it didn’t really compare with the hustle and stress of all the race weekends they would have to deal with once the season started.

Though Teddy was no more keen on flying than ever, the short hop north meant they’d barely finished dealing with take-off before they were readying for landing and then in the arranged car on their way into the city before it was even three in afternoon when they’d had lunch in their kitchen at home. As they drove along Sebastian peered up out of the windows at the tall buildings lining the streets, thinking how different it was from Oxford.

“It’s quite hilly isn’t it?” he commented.

Mark smiled as he turned around from his front seat beside the driver.

“Yep, very. I think we’ll get plenty of exercise.”

“Ha, guess that’s good.”

Sebastian leaned in to look at Teddy.

“Are you excited Liebling?”

Teddy looked to him, then shook his dinosaur toy in his hands and babbled something which Seb decided meant yes.

 

Soon they were pulling up along yet more tall buildings where the driver had stopped next to the entrance to a courtyard which the car couldn't enter. He and Mark unloaded the boot while Seb took Teddy out and put him into the unfolded buggy. It wasn’t the easiest of places to stop when they were on road a busy with traffic going past and people walking along the pavement, but they got everything sorted, bags hitched on shoulder and their one proper case for all three of them thankfully wheelable. Once they had thanked the driver and confirmed their pick-up for two days hence, Seb and Mark looked again at the sign by the entrance of the frankly rather unprepossessing narrow alleyway tucked between restaurants and shops.

“Must be it,” assured Mark.

Sebastian nodded and pushed the buggy on. After thirty yards of darkish passage they came out into a courtyard where a modern building had somehow been shoehorned in amongst the surrounding old tenements. They wheeled over both Teddy and the case to find the entrance, Seb pausing inside to find the confirmation email he had printed out whilst Mark stood at the reception desk sure that they wouldn't need it.

So it proved and soon they were being shown up to their top floor apartment. The lift was small but modern and the whole place clearly prided itself on providing a high class service, the concierge having held the door for them when they entered and now a young woman showing them where they needed to go, explaining the procedures and facilities as she went.

“So, the concierge is on the desk twenty-four hours,” she assured them as she unlocked their apartment for them. “And you have your passcode for the front door which means you can come and go as you like.”

Mark smiled and looked down to Teddy in his pushchair.

“I don’t think we’ll be having late nights somehow, but thank you.”

Sebastian was too busy looking at the neat little apartment they had been assigned for the weekend. It was fairly minimalistic in design, but looked expensive, every mod-con provided all the way down to coffee machine and washer-drier, though he sincerely hoped they didn’t need to use the latter while they were here. Lifting Teddy out he went with them as they were shown around the place. It was compact, one open-plan room with kitchen, dining and lounge in one, a bathroom through one door and the bedroom the other.

Mark gave the large double bed a prod, wondering why he did that whenever he arrived in hotels, as if you could shake your head and demand a different mattress if it felt less than perfect. As seemed to always be the case in places they stayed there were about half a dozen various pillows and cushions arranged at the top, most of which would be dumped out of the way so you could actually lie down, but other than that they were well set. There was the cot they had requested, a proper one rather than a travel cot which was better if only for the fact Teddy would be easier to lift in and out. Other than that there was only a small wardrobe and a little desk-come-dressing table and another door which it turned out was a second way into the bathroom.

 

“So back through here, this door leads to the terrace,” the host was explaining, leading them back through the lounge to the far side.

She opened up the glass door and they stepped out onto the small terrace where there was a little table and chairs, the bound by walls at the side and a glass barrier at the front to maximise the view.

“Oh wow,” exclaimed Sebastian as they looked out to see the view across the city.

“So you can see Princes Street with the gardens and over beyond of course is the New Town.”

“Uh-huh,” nodded Mark thinking how Edinburgh’s ‘new’ side of the city was of course older than any standing building in Australia.

Sebastian was holding Teddy tightly into his side and staying well back from the barrier, already thinking that they would have to be careful to keep the door locked. It might seem ridiculous to imagine that their son who could barely walk might climb on the chair, then the table to get high enough to fall out, but he wasn’t about to take any chances.

“Not bad eh?” smiled Mark.

Sebastian nodded. There were lots of rooftops stretching out and on a grey day like today it wasn’t as glamorous as it might perhaps be in summer, but it was nice to have a bit of interest.

Turning back inside their host handed over the key and checked if they had any questions before leaving them to it.

“Can you lock the terrace door?” enquired Seb.

“Hm?”

“In case Teddy tries going out there.”

“Oh, right.”

Mark locked the door, then scanned the room for anything Teddy could either hurt himself on or damage. There was a vase on a small table to the side. That was going to have to go out of reach for starters, but the room was dominated by a huge squashy looking sofa so Mark thought they would be alright, even if there was a wooden floor rather than carpet for him to fall on.

“Do we want the cot in our room or out here?” he wondered.

Sebastian was busy putting Teddy into the high-chair at the table in the kitchen area so he could give him a drink and a snack from his bag, so Mark went closer.

“The cot sweetheart,” he repeated. “Shall we leave it where it is or do we want a bit of privacy?”

Standing straight Sebastian smiled and considered matters.

“Um, well…”

“It could go there,” pointed Mark, indicating a free space by the wall before you reached the bathroom.

Seb nodded.

“Assuming we can get it through the door.”

“Well they had to get it in there.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Alright well can we just have a moment and then sort ourselves out?”

“Sure. Coffee, seeing as we’ve got this machine?”

“Thanks.”

 

Sebastian sat next to Teddy, watching him feed himself from the little tub of fruit and encouraging him to drink as well. As Mark joined them he took the offered mug and sipped it.

“Nice.”

“Yeah not bad. Pretty swish this.”

Sebastian laughed and looked around them. They’d be fairly cramped living here full-time, but for a weekend they would be fine.

“So if we sort stuff out, then maybe go have a pootle about?” proposed Mark.

“Sure. Oh now which way did she say there was a Sainsburys?”

“She said there’s two, over the bridge or right up the road and a Tesco.”

Sebastian smiled at him for remembering and nodded.

“Great, so we can pick up some stuff.”

Mark nodded. They’d brought Teddy’s essentials, but for themselves they had largely restricted themselves to clothing. Indeed three-quarters of the items brought had been for the smallest member of the family.

“Do you want to look for somewhere to eat tonight, or shall we get something for dinner as well and just stay in?”

Seb puffed a breath, glancing over at the kitchen unit. They really did have everything they needed.

“I think eat in to be honest Liebling. Then we can just chill out, see where we spot for tomorrow. Does that sound okay?”

“Sounds good. I’m all for chillaxing.”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“Never say that word in public.”

“No?”

“No.”

Mark smiled to Teddy.

“I’m embarrassing Papa mate. Just not cool enough.”

Saying nothing to that Seb merely smiled and sipped his coffee, dodging sideways as Mark reached to tickle him for it.

 

Teddy hadn’t had time to get a nap on their short flight, so the first thing they did was move his cot. A task that was easier said than done when, despite Mark’s assurances, they found it was a very narrow fit through the bedroom door, barely a centimetre either side if you got the angle dead on to shift it through into its newly assigned spot. Seb felt a little bad for ousting their son, but this was their anniversary weekend after all and in such a small space they would still be far closer to him than they were at home.

That done they quickly made up the cot with his bedclothes from home and lay Teddy down to have a rest before setting about unpacking in their room. Once that was completed they checked their son was asleep before going to sit on the large L-shaped sofa in front of an almost as large flat-screen TV fixed to the wall in front of it. Mark glanced over at Teddy as he held the remote control in his hand.

“Ah, one issue,” he noted.

Sebastian turned more to look at their son. After such a busy day so far he did seem pretty worn out seeing as he’d dropped off straight-away.

“If we have it on fairly quietly?”

Mark nodded and switched the television on, flicking through the guide to find a gentle nature programme on that wouldn't disturb their sleeping son. He stretched his legs out on what appeared to be a cross between a leg rest and a padded coffee table and put his arm around Seb.

“We good then?” he checked.

Sebastian leaned into him and rested his head on Mark’s shoulder.

“We’re good Liebling.”

“Excellent.”

He let out a long breath and settled back. It was a comfortable sofa, Seb was by his side and Teddy was asleep. That was about as much as Mark needed right now.

 

 

The next morning they rose in an unfamiliar bed to the very familiar sound of Teddy crying for them. Seb hurried out to get him, not wanted their son to feel anxious when he wouldn't recognise his surroundings. He lifted him out of the cot and cuddled him close before lying him down on the makeshift changing table they had made of the little side table they had moved to put next to it, his travel changing mat on top and everything else stashed beneath so it was easy to grab. Mark had climbed out of bed to lend a hand and passed Seb what he needed whilst Seb attempted to simultaneously change their son and stop him rolling off onto the floor.

That done Seb puffed a breath and let Mark lift Teddy back up as he cleaned his hands.

“Easier when it’s got sides,” observed Mark.

“I’ll say.”

“Back to bed?” prompted Mark.

It was still dark out, early, but there wasn’t much chance they’d be falling back to sleep.

“I’ll make his bottle and get us a cup of tea,” Seb decided.

Mark nodded and padded over with him, wishing he had brought his slippers when this wooden floor was cold. As soon as Seb handed him the bottle Mark headed back for bed, glad for the warm duvet as he pulled it up to cover Teddy too where he rested into his t-shirt clad chest. Seb placed Mark’s mug of tea on the tiny bedside table, then took his own to the other side to climb in beside them.

“So his story thing is at ten and then I thought we could go look at the castle and then maybe go round the shops a bit.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Mark, busy seeing if Teddy was okay feeding himself so he could drink his tea.

“And then, well, there’s lots of museums, but the main one is quite near here so I thought that would be worth a look and maybe go round the park a bit, see of there’s somewhere for Teddy to play.”

Mark smiled as he looked to him.

“Is this all before lunch sweetheart?”

Sebastian gave him a look, then cracked into a smile.

“No. They’re just ideas Liebling.”

Mark nodded and set down his tea to the side to stretch so he could give Seb a kiss.

“All good ones. Well, I’m sure we’ll manage most of them. The touristy places are reasonably close together as far as I remember.”

“Okay.”

“You said ten for his little story thing you looked up?”

“We don’t have to go to it.”

“No no darling, it sounds fun. Ten’s plenty of time. We can have a nice relaxed breakfast and then head out, go from there, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark looked in at Teddy resting into both of them. Their time was going to pretty much revolve around his needs with their interests secondary. What seemed like aeons ago Mark had come here for New Year with a couple of racers he had known before he had been in F1. That trip had been a blur of bars and soaked up hangovers. Slight contrast to now.

Sebastian sipped his tea, restraining himself from running through in his head all the things he had looked up to make too rigid a schedule for them. He still had a loose idea of how he thought things should run, but Mark was right that they were within easy reach, or at least they looked to be so on the maps, so they ought to be alright.

 

Seeing as they had established that their apartments were directly off the Royal Mile, there was no way they could get lost at the start at least, so a couple of hours later they pushed the buggy straight along the same road until they reached one of the countless museums and arts centres that preponderated in the city where Seb had found a storytime event aimed at babies and toddlers. Whoever had converted the building sadly hadn’t considered such eventualities so there was a flight of steps to reach the entrance which they had to lug the pushchair up, but it wasn’t too bad and once they got inside they found a quirky little cultural centre with a small A-frame sign near the entrance pointing them in the right direction.

Mark joked that he felt as though they were back at the baby group as they joined a selection of parents with small children gathering in the assigned ‘story space’. There were cushions and beanbags to sit on, so they took Teddy out of his buggy and parked it up out of the way, pulling off coats and hats to take up their spot whist a young woman set up her props and introduced herself as Lorna before bringing out her puppets and introducing them as well.

Mark was going to whisper a joke to Seb, but he caught sight of Teddy face as the woman made the two puppet characters talk to one another and he could see how enraptured their son looked. What did it matter if Mark felt a bit silly? He really should be used to it by now.

 

Though Teddy might not have entirely followed the story, he beamed and clapped when the woman sang some songs and when she made the puppets sing along Teddy fairly bounced with delight, making little noises as if trying to join in the singing. Seb chuckled as his son jigged up and down on his knee, leaning in to see how happy he looked, feeling somewhat vindicated in his efforts to research what was on. He could hardly believe that this was free, indeed almost all the museums seemed to be which made him feel a little guilty, but also made Seb want to get around as many as possible.

When it was over Seb and Mark joined in with the rest of the audience applauding and Teddy copied them, looking around at both his parents as if checking they were doing it properly. As the session finished Mark stood to take Teddy so Seb could stand, smiling in at him.

“Liked that didn’t you buddy? Isn’t Papa clever?”

Sebastian shook his head, but he was pleased that their son had so evidently enjoyed it. Looking over to the young woman busy packing away her things he nodded thanks before they went to rescue the buggy to go on their way, struggling back down the steps onto the high street which was quite busy now, despite being a fairly dull morning in late January. He directed Mark over the road and they called in at another museum, this one dedicated to toys, but Teddy showed rather less interest in the exhibits and Seb had to agree that the china dolls were rather creepy, so they continued on, turning instead to go over towards the New Town.

 

As they crossed the long bridge Seb was so busy remarking on how they had managed to cram such a big station into the centre of the city and looking down at it, that it took Mark patting his arm to make him look up and beyond towards Arthur’s Seat.

“Wow.”

“Yep,” smiled Mark.

“But, I mean I saw the pictures, but I didn’t realise it was really so close. It’s practically a mountain right here in the city.”

Mark chuckled.

“Well perhaps not quite a mountain, but a pretty dramatic hill I grant you.”

“Yeah. Do you think it’s far?”

Mark shook his head.

“Mile, mile and a half maybe. You fancy going up it?”

“With Teddy?”

“There’s paths. We could stick him in the carrier.”

“Maybe.”

“What about tomorrow if the weather’s alright? Earn ourselves a nice lunch.”

Sebastian laughed. He knew he was pushing most of his ideas on Mark for the weekend, so he nodded.

“Yeah sounds good.”

“Great. If it gets too steep we can always turn around. No biggy.”

“Cool.”

Seb ducked down and unclipped Teddy from his pushchair to hold him up to show him, then Mark huffed a laugh.

“Oh and sweetheart, try turning around.”

Doing as instructed Seb saw that on the other side of the bridge there was an equally dramatic sight.

“The castle!”

“Yep.”

“Oh gosh, it really is just there.”

Mark laughed, wondering what Seb had been expecting.

“Shall we go have a shuftie?”

 

Sebastian nodded and they crossed the busy road, showing Teddy the castle in the distance before putting him back in his buggy to try to find a route to get closer.

Stuck on top of its massive granite outcrop, the castle was in many ways more of a fortified grand house, but it certainly was grand. They walked closer, pausing on a bench to give Teddy a drink and something to eat as they looked over to the guard in his kilt by the entrance, Mark joking that it was a foolhardy person who would challenge one willing to bare his legs in this cold weather.

 

On going to check the signage they found that in contrast to so much else here, you had to pay to enter and it wasn’t cheap, though Mark reflected that was an odd consideration given that they had used a private airplane to get here. He was going to say so when he spotted a party of Japanese tourists massed just inside and Mark was certain he saw looks and whispers behind hands going on despite him and Seb being bundled up in winter coats and hats as their son was.

“Tell you what sweetheart, I’m not sure there’d be a lot he’d appreciate what’s actually inside, so why don’t we walk round and carry on to the shops over on Princes Street?”

“Um, okay. Yeah.”

 

The walk took rather longer than they thought and involved some up and downs in this hilly place, but soon they were on the long straight road lined with shops on the newer side of the city. Finding one was a large bookshop they detoured inside, inevitably making a beeline for the children's department where they let Teddy have a totter about while they looked to see if there were any different books for him. By the time they exited the pushchair had a couple of new bags stuffed underneath.

Teddy hadn’t much wanted to go back into the buggy, so as they came out Seb looked at the trees poking up from the sunken gardens lying between where they were and the castle.

“Shall we go down and see if there’s somewhere for him down there?” suggested Seb.

Mark nodded and they managed to cross the very busy road, dodging cars, buses, trams and people to reach the far pavement, then walking past the railings and peering down into the park.

“Be nice in summer,” commented Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“Be frantic in summer. They have the festival on and the town goes mad.”

“Ah yes. Oh well. Still nice now.”

 

They found a gateway then paused as they were confronted with more steps.

“Ah,” stopped Mark.

“We can carry it.”

Mark nodded. They didn’t have a lot of choice, so Seb went around to the front of the pushchair to hold that up as Mark carried it from the top so they could guide it down. Thankfully the steps were dry and fairly shallow, running into a slope to reach the bottom where the gardens were laid neatly laid out. They wandered past the empty rose beds and past tidy lawns, glad of a calm place in the very heart of the busy city. Then as they reached the end and were about to turn around they found a little playground.

“Ha, nice,” smiled Mark. “A castle under the castle.”

They both took in the toy fort before them, slides and climbing areas for children to play on set with the very real castle towering above it on its incredible great rocky promontory. Sebastian looked up at it, thinking how if the sun were brighter today you would quite literally be in its shadow.

“Dramatic isn’t it?” commented Mark.

“I think it must have been a volcano long ago.”

“Do you think? I guess maybe.”

“It’s granite isn’t it? The rock. So that’s igneous.”

Mark smiled.

“I stand before your greater knowledge as ever darling.” He ducked down to Teddy in his pushchair and gave him a wink. “Think it’s Papa who’ll be helping you with your homework bud. Right, now then. What’s this we’ve found?”

Teddy had clearly worked out where they were as he began to waggle his legs about in anticipation, his parents taking him over to the rather smaller wooden castle and parking up the pushchair so he could have a play.

 

Climbing was rather beyond him, but Teddy loved the slides attached to the little play fort, endlessly pointing at them and calling his parents’ names in order to get them to slide him down into one or the other’s waiting arms, over and over. He liked the baby slide, but Teddy fairly squealed with excitement when he was put on the bigger one and was slid all the way down, Seb’s arm around him only coming away as Mark put his hands either side to lift Teddy up into the air before they helped him toddle back to go again. They couldn't let him run around the upper levels alone, but Mark lifted him up into the tower and held onto him as Teddy tried stamping his feet, only lifting him down as a couple of older children came running over the wooden bridge towards them.

Mark took him to ride on the bouncers, smiling to see that they were dragons, not the usual horsies they found at their own local park. Teddy wasn’t too good at holding himself on, but his parents did the job for him, one keeping him in place as the other bounced the seat to make the giant spring beneath go back and forth. Their son found this highly entertaining, though whether it was the little ride, or amusement at his parents efforts wasn’t entirely obvious. After that they helped him walk along a nicely low little rope walkway before letting him simply totter about until they thought he’d used up all his energy.

 

Seb was about to suggest putting him back in his buggy when Teddy led him by the hand directly back to the bigger slide and looked up at him.

“Papa.”

He glanced back to see Mark chuckling, so Seb merely shrugged and picked their son up again, placing him near the top of the slide.

“Daddy catch you Schatz.”

Mark ducked down at the end of the slide and opened up his arms, Teddy clapping already where he sat waiting to go. It was pretty hard to resist, so they played for another five minutes, then as another couple of families arrived, Seb picked Teddy up.

“Past your nap time Liebling. I think we should go back.”

 

Mark nodded, then as he took in the sight of Sebastian holding Teddy with the real castle in the background high above them he huffed a laugh.

“Hang on, I need to take a quick pic.”

He pulled out his phone, snapping a photograph of the two of them, then contriving to get a shot with all three of them in, the castle providing a dramatic backdrop. Then as Seb returned a less than keen Teddy to his pushchair Mark sent it in a text.

“Is that to your Mum and Dad?”

Mark looked to him.

“Hm. Oh, no, though that’s a good idea.”

He came over to help Seb strap Teddy in, sighing as the little boy started crying.

“No no darling, no fussing. You’re tired now. We’ll do more fun stuff later.”

Teddy pouted rebelliously, but his arms went limp as Seb made sure his little winter coat was properly straight beneath the straps and the warm cover tucked over his legs. Mark stroked over his cheeks to dry them.

“There we go mate. No dramas.”

Mark sighed a little as he stood up and looked to Seb.

“Better go while the going’s good.”

 

Sebastian nodded and began pushing the buggy, going back through the gardens towards the other side where they thought they must have passed when they had strolled over the bridge earlier. The route wasn’t quite as simple as they hoped though, largely due to the rather inconvenient railway line trying to pass through the same area. So Mark got his phone back out, setting the maps function going to direct them. It felt longer than it had going the other way, and the towering grey buildings were a little hard to distinguish, but they had to trust they were going in the right direction.

Turning onto a cobbled street, they paused, both looking down at the phone.

“Is this right?” asked Seb.

“Says so. We should be really close now. We’re practically on the little pin I put in for the apartment. We just need to go to the right a bit.”

Sebastian frowned, but they pushed the buggy uphill slightly up the narrow lane then stopped again as they realised where the satnav function was sending them.

“Ha! Oh my god,” exclaimed Seb.

Mark stared with him at what appeared to be the steepest, longest flight of vertiginous stone steps he had seen in his entire life. It went straight up endlessly between the tall dark buildings, a handrail in the middle the only concession to those poor souls who attempted to mount it.

“Right. Okay well that’s not happening,” Mark agreed.

Sebastian let out a laugh as he looked down to Teddy.

“I think we’d need a ski-lift.”

“I’ll say.”

Mark puffed a breath, looking sideways up the cobbled street they stood on, checking his phone to see that it wound a tad more gently around and up to reach the same road, if by a longer route.

“Okay, this way then,” he pointed.

Sebastian nodded and they set off, Seb leaning into the handles of the pushchair to put his bodyweight into it as they trudged up the winding lane. Along the way they passed touristy little shops selling whisky and tartan items of every description. They weren’t about to go in them right now though. Instead Mark added his hands by Seb’s on the buggy handle to help push until they got to the top and they puffed out breaths of relief to see that they were now on the road where they were staying. Mark laughed as they took a right turn and far more easily perambulated down the nice flat pavement, looking out for the little sign highlighting the hidden away courtyard.

“You know what we really need?”

“Hm?”

“Motorised prams.”

“Ha, yeah. With ridealong platforms for the grown-up.”

“Yeah definitely.”

 

Teddy had gone very quiet in his seat, confirming his parents’ suspicions that he was indeed tired. Once back up in their little apartment they lifted him out and he made no protest about having his outer layers removed before being put down in his cot. That done Seb and Mark sat down on the sofa with a puff. Mark stretched out his legs and leaned back.

“Dear me.”

Sebastian laughed and turned on his side to look at him.

“You worn out Liebling?”

“I certainly needed a sit down.” He laughed again. “Argh, old.”

Seb reached in to kiss him.

“No. I needed it too.”

“Mm, okay then.”

“Can you imagine how we’d feel if we’d tried lugging the pushchair up those steps?”

“The eternal stairs of doom? No sweetheart, I think that would have finished me.”

“There were people walking up them.”

“Brave souls.”

Sebastian laughed.

“True, plus I can’t say I recognised anyone actually making it to the top. There might be an aid station half-way up where they have a little rest.”

Mark chuckled.

“St Bernards dogs on hand to make rescues?”

“Yeah.”

They both laughed, then Seb sat up.

“I’m gonna make a drink. Tea or coffee?”

“Ooh, tea I think.”

“Yes. Me too.”

 

Returning with mugs for each of them Sebastian passed one over, Mark flicking on the TV and leaving it on one of the late Saturday morning cooking shows.

“Shall we just have lunch here if he’s happy?” proposed Mark. “Make it easy, then have a look where we can have dinner later?”

“Sure,” nodded Seb. “I thought we could have a wander over this side this afternoon, stay a bit closer.”

Mark smiled.

“No complaints from me darling.”

“We could do that walk up that hill tomorrow, then have a nice lunch somewhere.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

 

Mark’s phone buzzed in his pocket so he pulled it out, laughing at what he read.

“What is it?” asked Seb.

“DC.”

“Huh?”

“Oh, sorry it was him I sent the pic to.”

Mark saw Seb frown a little, so he scrolled the message back to the one he sent their friend.

“You know, with us being in the land of his birth and all that,” he explained.

“Oh of course,” realised Seb.

He looked at the photograph of the three of them, smiling more at the sight of their little family gathered below the imposing great castle than the accompanying message.

MARK: Guess where we are? ;-)

Mark waited a moment, then flicked on to the reply.

DC: No way! Where’s yer kilts? Have some haggis w neeps’n’tatties and enjoy a wee dram on me.

Sebastian laughed.

“I don’t understand half of that.”

Mark smiled.

“Well a dram is whisky, or a drink of it at any rate. The other stuff I believe is food of these here parts, but I’m not sure we’d really want it.”

“Ah. You going to reply?”

Mark pondered, then composed it before showing to Seb.

MARK: This afternoon we are going have the inaugural Mc’Vettel-Webber tartan woven for us. Sir Jackie would be proud.

Seb laughed, then once Mark pressed send they waited for a response.

DC: What about in _my_ honour? At least get the wee bairn a flat cap made up with it.

MARK: We’ll take that under advisement. What are you up to anyway?

DC: Slogging out the winter on the Cote d’Azur. It’s a hard life. Enjoy your trip & hi to Seb.

MARK: Cheers mate. Seb says hi back. See you in Oz. We should thaw out there at least.

He showed Sebastian the message he had sent, then remembered to send the photograph out to their families as well. That done, Mark set his phone down, glanced over to see that Teddy was safely napping and stretched out his arm around Seb to settle in for the time-being. Home from home. It would certainly do for now at any rate.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 to follow, naturally.


	249. Auld Toun

* * *

 

 

Though their apartment was in the very centre of all the busiest streets in the capital it was surprisingly quiet inside. With Teddy still asleep they went to stand on the terrace and from there you could hear traffic and the general hustle and bustle of the city, though their view was downhill to the New Town rather than the Old where they were actually located. Seb leaned a little over the barrier to see if he could glimpse the castle over to the left, but it seemed they weren’t positioned correctly, though you could see the park in the distance.

“It’s nice up here,” he commented.

Mark nodded.

“Don’t lean too far.”

“Mm.”

Seb looked down the several floors, then stood away.

“We could have lunch out here if it wasn’t so cold.”

Mark huffed a laugh. It wasn’t freezing, but sitting still for too long in this weather would be unwise, especially when there was quite a breeze this high up. Seb smiled, knowing what he was thinking so they went back in, securely locking the door behind them.

“Gosh it’s quite a contrast isn’t it?” noted Seb.

“Yeah. Double-glazing or whatever it is. I suspect this place has some pretty demanding clientele.”

Sebastian nodded. The apartment hadn’t been cheap to rent. They could have stayed in a very nice hotel for less, but it felt better to be independent.

“Shall we make a start on lunch?”

“Sure.”

Teddy woke  up , either from the noise or the smell of his parents making lunch, so they were able to give him his as well and let him have a little play before going out again. 

 

S oon S ebastian  was leading them along the main streets from the map he had studied to reach the museum,  taking them to look at some of the old university buildings and churches before they turned inwards and reached the surprising modernistic national museum attached to a far older building.

They walked inside, picking up a  leaflet and looking where to go. They wandered around, Seb and Mark drawn to the scientific and engineering exhibits, though Teddy was less interested. Going further on to those areas signposted on the leaflet as being designed for families, they found plenty that Teddy would doubtless enjoy if he were just a little older, but for now he was rather too small to engage with the interactive games and displays, though his parents tried to show him how they worked. 

After that they found their way to the natural history section and there Teddy came alive, staring with wide eyes at the preserved wild animals on display; great tigers,  elephants, even a panda, positioned to look as though they had been frozen in time. 

Seb lifted Teddy out, reading the signage to explain to him what they were looking at.

“This panda came all the way from China Schatz,” he told him. “She died quite a long time ago, which was sad, but they kept her like this so we could see her. Isn’t she beautiful?”

Mark was staring at the creatures too, thinking it was was a little odd to see them stuffed like this, but they certainly were arresting. They went further on, looking out over the balcony to see what was displayed in the bigger open space in the centre. Then Sebastian gasped.

“Oh my god, look at that!”

Mark did so and smiled.

“Blimey.”

“It’s a _dinosaur_ Teddy,” Seb informed him with quite enough enthusiasm to get their son excited before he even saw it.

“T-Rex,” noted Mark, “that is impressive I’ve got to say. Check out those jaws.”

“Look at the teeth!”

Mark smiled and they took the lift down to get on the same level so they could stand closer, Teddy gazing at the ancient fossil, set so it looked as though it was caught just about to pounce on some prey.

“That’s brilliant,” smiled Seb.

“Mm, pretty cool. Whatcha think kiddo?”

Teddy was still staring  wide-eyed , seeming not knowing what to make of such a strange thing. Seb hitched him up a bit, looking to him to be sure he wasn’t afraid of it.

“Is it scary Teddybär?”

“Been a while since it could do anyone any harm,” commented Mark.

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Unless it landed on you.”

“Ha, yeah.”

“Let’s see if there’s more.”

They walked on, finding several smaller fossils and skeletons of ancient fish-like creatures, enormous whale jaw bones, and then to Seb’s delight a stegosaurus complete with plates across its back and long tail.

“Now he doesn’t look as threatening does he Teddy?”

Mark smiled.

“Pretty sure they were veggie, so we’d be alright.”

Seb looked in at Teddy, seeing him still staring.

“It’s a bit like your toy dinosaur Schatz, but I don’t think they’ve got a triceratops unfortunately.”

“Not doing too badly though.”

“No.”

Mark stood by them both, holding onto the now empty pushchair which helpfully stored all their belongings.

“You like these don’t you mate?” he observed.

“Dada.”

“Yeah. Pretty thrilling to be so close.” He huffed a laugh and looked to Seb. “Perhaps we should go to the natural history museum in London when he’s a bit bigger?”

Sebastian nodded, thinking he’d like that himself.

 

They carried on a while longer, but nothing could quite top the dinosaurs, so Seb put Teddy back into the pushchair and had a look at the map.

“You know there’s lots of things I think he’d really appreciate if he was a bit older.”

“Mm, well, never mind, all interesting stuff isn’t it?”

“Can we just go look at the clock and then I think that’s about it unless you want to go anywhere?”

Mark nodded and they went on to see the curious mechanical clock they had on display, Seb and Mark intrigued by the workings on show whilst Teddy merely frowned at it.

“Not for you mate?” smiled Mark as he ducked down by him. “Needs some bright colours perhaps?”

“Shall we go to the shop?”

Mark huffed a laugh as he stood.

“Is there a shop then?”

“There’s always a little shop Liebling.”

“Course there is. Exit via gift shop,” agreed Mark.

 

They walked along to where it was indicated on the map, noting that how ironic it was that they had changed Teddy before they left only for this place to have facilities signposted everywhere. Arriving at the shop they found less touristy items on sale and  a  more intriguing  selection related to the museum, plenty of which were games and creative science toys for children, though beyond their Teddy.

“I reckon Ryan would have loved all this,” commented Mark. “Just starting to get a bit big for it.”

Sebastian nodded.

“And Teddy’s too small. Oh well.”

Mark huffed a laugh and picked up a box.

“You don’t want to learn how power a clock with a potato?”

Sebastian smiled back.

“Tempting, but I’m okay thanks Liebling.”

Mark nodded, then as they went closer to the till he let out a low laugh.

“Uh oh.”

Sebastian beamed.

“Oh dinosaur toys!”

Mark laughed again as Seb pushed the buggy a little faster to reach the display. Knowing that resistance was futile, Mark picked one of the soft toys up to show Teddy.

“Look mate, this one’s like yours.”

“It is isn’t it?” agreed Seb. “Good job we didn’t bring it with us.”

“Ha, don’t want to get done for nicking it.”

Sebastian was looking through the range on offer. The tyrannosaurus was perhaps a little too alarming, and he suspected Teddy would just swing the diplodocus by its long neck, but then he spied the next type.

“Ooh Teddy, stegosaurus!”

He waved the green fleecy toy at Mark who decided not to object to him passing it to Teddy’s eager hands.

“It was free to get in after all,” noted Seb. “I mean, we really ought to make a donation.”

Mark chuckled.

“A donation.”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged, looking down to their son who was already stroking the toy possessively.

“Are you getting it then?” Mark asked.

“It’s not too big.”

“No.”

“And it could be a friend for his dino toy.”

Mark laughed again, thinking that none of Teddy’s toys need worry about getting lonely.

“Sure.”

“It’s cute. Actually…” Seb picked up a second one. “This would be good for Sofie too. She could have it for her birthday.”

Mark nodded.

“As you like darling. Might as well grab something seeing as it’s not far off now.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded, so they went over to the till, the girl double scanning the toy for them to avoid any battles with Teddy. With the gift one stashed underneath the pushchair they went on to find the exit, walking back out onto the street to try to orientate themselves.

 

“Why don’t we have a walk about and check out what restaurants are round here for later?” proposed Mark.

“Sure.”

They pulled on hats and zipped up coats against the now cold breeze and wandered the streets, peering in windows and looking at menus displayed outside to get a feel for where might suit them. As they went back on themselves they walked past the museum once again. 

“Liebling do you fancy going for a coffee? We could give Teddy a drink, see if he’s hungry,” suggested Seb.

“Sure. There’s tonnes of places. Were you thinking at the museum café?”

Sebastian smiled and bit his lip.

“No not there.” He laughed. “It’s silly, but… Okay, that one we passed, over there. Well, apparently that’s one where J.K.Rowling wrote some of Harry Potter.”

Mark smiled at how diffident Seb was about it.

“Cool. You wanna go there?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I know it’s a really touristy thing to do.”

“Nah we are tourists.”

“Only if it’s not busy.”

“Sure. Let’s go look then.”

  


They walked down, pausing outside an independent coffee shop that did indeed bear a notice stating its claim to fame. Seeing as it was mid afternoon there were a few people stood ordering at the till and sat at tables, but Sebastian peered further in.

“I think it carries on at the back.”

“Righto.”

Mark was already opening the door, holding it for Seb to wheel Teddy in. Checking they could have a bottle warmed at the counter, Mark directed Seb on with the pushchair to see if he could bag a table and when he came through to the back room a minute later he found the rest of the family at a small table right by the large windows along the far wall. Mark looked outside before pulling off his coat and hat as he took a seat.

“Wow, tell you what sweetheart I can see why you’d hang around writing in here. What a view.”

Sebastian smiled, looking out at the view of the far side of the city dominated by the castle on its great rock, before looking back to Mark. 

“It’s crazy how up and down the land here is. I’d never have guessed you’d be able to see the castle from over here.”

Mark nodded, then peered at the churchyard below and over to the side that helped free up the space that enabled that view. He pulled out his phone, then smiled.

“What?” asked Seb.

“I was just checking what church that belongs to.”

“Oh?”

Mark smiled.

“It’s Greyfriars. After this I want to show you something.”

Sebastian furrowed his brow, but Mark smiled.

“It’s only a little something, but I think you’ll appreciate it.”

“Okay.”

“A surprise, just in case I’m wrong about where we are.”

“Oh. Oh okay.” Seb looked to Teddy in his lap. “Are they bringing something to warm his milk?”

“Yep.”

 

Mark reached into the pushchair to pull out Teddy’s bag, putting the milk ready to warm and offering him more snacks while they waited for their coffees to arrive. As the woman arrived with the tray Mark saw her clock the little tub of fruit the baby was snacking from.

“Oh sorry,” he apologised. “You don’t mind too much do you? He can’t really have anything you’ve got yet.”

The woman placed their things on the table and smiled.

“Nae bother hen.”

“Thanks.”

The place was fairly busy so with a nod she was on her way, leaving them to sort themselves out and relax with their drinks. Once Teddy had had his fill of snack and drink he became a little restless on Seb’s lap so Mark took him, only for the baby to fuss over being given his toy and then promptly drop it on the floor. Mark picked it up and handed it to him, then placed Teddy back in his pushchair, strapping him in and giving him a firm look.

“You’re getting tired mate. Just have a sit while we have our coffee.”

“Do you think we need to go back?” wondered Sebastian.

Mark shook his head.

“He’s alright. No need to rush.”

Sebastian sipped his drink and gazed out of the window, imagining what the sight of such gothic splendour had done to influence the writing of a story set in a school in a castle. He huffed a laugh and looked to Mark.

“It’s just _right_ there. I swear we’ve got a better view than almost anywhere in the city.”

Mark nodded.

“It’s impressive.”

“Imagine if you lived upstairs and that was what you opened the curtains to every morning?”

Mark chuckled.

“I’m guessing you’d get a bit tired of all the tourists.”

“Mm. Spose so, but still.”

“It’s pretty cool. Another good call darling.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I think if you did come here in the holidays or the summer it would be a bit crazy, but it’s nice now. I’m glad we’ve come off season.”

Mark nodded.

“No harm in having to wrap up a bit. You still up for climbing Arthur’s Seat tomorrow?”

“It’s such a funny name. Does it mean King Arthur?”

Mark shrugged.

“Not sure. Maybe. Shall I look?”

 

Seb gave him a nod, so Mark pulled his phone back out, googling an answer.

“Hm, says not certain, but could be. Seems too old for anyone to know.”

“Mm, I spose that makes sense.”

Mark read further down, then huffed a laugh.

“And also an extinct volcano like you said the castle was on. You’re on it today sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled.

“It’s a funny place really, geographically I mean, but I guess if you wanted somewhere defensive that would make sense.”

Mark nodded and took in the castle on its steep granite mount.

“If I was going to build a castle to fend off marauders I guess that’s the spot I’d pick.”

Sebastian turned to Teddy, about to say something to him about it when he smiled.

“He’s asleep.”

Mark looked to the pram where their son lay limp-limbed, his head to the side and mouth open as he slowly breathed in and out.

“Ah. Thought it was quiet.”

Seb nodded.

“Guess we can take our time then.”

“Yep.”

  


When they had finished drinking they got ready to go, somehow just about managing to get Teddy’s coat done up and his hat on without waking him so they could continue on their way. Mark led them back up the road, then around in front the gateway of an old church set back from the road where it led to a lower level as the land undulated down. Just at the corner of the road there was a small bronze statue.

“Is this what you were looking up?” asked Seb, going with Mark to see it was not of a person, but a little dog. 

“It’s Greyfriars’ Bobby,” Mark explained. “You never heard of it?”

“No.”

Sebastian stood with him, reading the little plaque.

“Apparently he loved his master so much that when he died, every day he went to go sit by his grave, just waiting there, guarding him,” Mark told him.

Seb looked up and pouted.

“Oh that’s so sad.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah. I thought you’d kind of like it though.”

Seb nodded. Then looked up at the pub directly opposite and huffed a laugh.

“It’s named after him.”

“Yeah.”

“Is he really famous then?”

“Kindof. It’s an old story.”

“Is the grave through there?”

He pointed over to the gateway into the churchyard.

“I think so.”

“Can we look?”

“Sure.”

 

They walked in, finding the gravestone not of the master, but of the dog itself, set up by wellwishers. Beneath it were piles of sticks and Seb frowned, wondering what that was about.

“For him to fetch,” guessed Mark.

“Oh Liebling but that _is_ sad.”

Mark smiled and put an arm around him.

“I don’t spose he’d appreciate flowers.”

“No. Ach though, he must have missed his master so much to keep coming back.”

“Dogs are loyal. All they want is a bit of love in return, for you to treat them right and yeah, chuck them a stick now and then.”

“It’s a nice way to be.”

“That it is,” Mark agreed.

 

He looked down at Teddy still sleeping and thought about how Shadow and Simba were already equally loyal to their son, more so with how much they tried to take care of him and made allowances for all the times Teddy wasn’t as gentle with them as he ought to be because they knew that clumsiness had to be excused in one so small. Smiling to Seb Mark thought what good judges of character they were.

“You know darling Shadow and Simba took to you right away. The moment you walked in they just sniffed you and they knew you were a part of our family.”

Sebastian laughed, but Mark shook his head.

“Seriously sweetheart, I remember noticing how they just looked at you and _knew_. They knew you were good and they knew you were going to be kind to them and care about them and they absolutely accepted you from the off.”

Sebastian took a deep breath, thinking of that day he had walked into what had then been Mark’s home. Meeting the dogs had actually been one of the lighter moments on that dark day.

“They made me feel better,” he agreed. “And when I was just hanging around the place, back then when, I don’t know Liebling, when I felt almost too afraid to leave the house or even look at myself in the mirror, the boys just accepted me and made me feel…”

He trailed off and Mark looked at him.

“Made you feel what?”

Sebastian shrugged a little.

“They made me feel safe I guess. They made me feel like I was at home, that I belonged there.”

“You did.”

Seb smiled and nodded.

“I hope I made you feel that way too,” Mark checked.

“Oh no you did Liebling. You were amazing, but I guess, I mean, I didn’t have to explain anything to them. They didn’t ask anything. You’re right, they just wanted a stroke and sticks thrown when we took them out for walks and when I did that,” he shrugged again. “That was about the happiest I felt.”

Mark nodded.

“They’ve always lifted my spirits. Before you came they were about the only thing I had to come home to.” He huffed a laugh. “God that sounds sad, but it’s true.”

“At least you had them.”

“Yeah. Guess so. Always thrilled to see me walk through the door, acting like I’d been gone years.”

“Aw now I feel bad leaving them home.”

“They’re okay. Pauline's looking after them and they love her too.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Back tomorrow anyway.”

 

Seb nodded again, then slipped his arm around Mark’s waist.

“And you’ve got us now.”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“I do. I’m very lucky.”

“Me too.”

Mark laughed.

“Yeah.”

“And I’m always very excited when you get home when you’ve been away,” assured Seb.

Mark chuckled.

“With the added advantage that you don’t try to hump my leg in the hallway.”

Sebastian burst out laughing and pulled away to bat at his arm.

“ _Mark_.”

Mark shrugged and smiled.

“I’m not saying I’d altogether object, but…”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“It’s a good job Teddy’s asleep.”

Mark gave him a wink, then looked around the churchyard.

“You wanna see if the master’s grave is around or is that weird?”

“No, we should see if it’s here.”

 

Mark nodded and wheeled the buggy around to have a look, but they weren’t sure where to find it and as the church bell tolled they saw  on the tower clock that it was quarter to four.

“Shall we go back then?” proposed Mark.

“Yeah. Think so.”

Mark pulled his phone out to check their location, then as they went back out to the road he did it again to show Seb where they needed to go.

“So we stick on the high road, go straight until we can see the cathedral and turn right. That should take us straight back.”

“Great.”

  


It only took ten minutes to walk back, discussing where they might go that evening as they manoeuvred past fellow tourists, locals and students all heading in different directions. Teddy slept all the way, right up until they got back into their apartment and they tried to take him out of his pushchair, whereupon he woke up and instantly burst into tears.

Mark stood jigging him, neither one of them having even managed to get their coats off yet.

“It’s a good job this place is pretty soundproof,” he commented over the din.

“Aw he can’t help it.”

Mark gave a flick of his eyebrows. If he had booked somewhere for a nice peaceful break and wound up next to a room with a screaming baby in it, he might not feel quite so forgiving. Thankfully Teddy quieted a little as Seb stroked over his back.

“He didn’t drink all his milk. He might be hungry. Shall I make more?”

“Can do. I’ll check his nappy.”

 

A couple of minutes later they were sat on the sofa, outer layers off as Seb now held Teddy, giving him a bottle in his arms as he would when he was tiny.

“Maybe he’s unsettled?” Seb wondered.

“He’s fine now.” Mark stroked his son’s cheek. “Just a bit hungry mate?”

“We’ve been doing lots of things. Maybe it’s a lot for him to take in?”

Mark shrugged.

“I’m pretty sure he was happy earlier. After this I reckon we put him down again, let him have a proper lie-down nap.”

Sebastian nodded. He wouldn't expect Teddy to have a second afternoon nap normally, but they weren’t precisely following their usual routine, so when the bottle was done, he took Mark’s advice, placing Teddy in his cot. To his surprise Teddy settled almost straight away, accepting the blanket tucked around him and only snuffling about a bit before closing his eyes and dropping off.

“There we go,” approved Mark.

Seb nodded and they went back to the sofa.

“Bit colder this afternoon with that wind,” Mark commented. “Maybe that’s it? I mean who doesn’t like a nice warm snuggle up after being out in the cold?”

Sebastian smiled.

“I know I do.”

Mark huffed a laugh and slunk his arm around him.

“I think we can arrange that.”

 

Seb leaned into him. It was going dark outside though it wasn’t yet half past four. Such a contrast from when they had been out in Australia only a couple of weeks back. Worlds away. 

Mark kissed his cheek and saw the smile.

“Better?”

“Yeah. I was just thinking how different it is to when we were visiting your family in Oz.”

“Ha, just a bit.” Mark paused as something occurred to him. “Oh do you mind if I stick the telly on?”

“No s’fine.”

Mark picked up the remote control and flicked onto sports channels, going through them until he found what he was looking for. Seb in turn smiled as he saw the tennis Mark liked to watch.

“Oh the Open’s on.” Seb frowned, thinking that it must be the middle of the night in Melbourne. “It’s not on now is it?”

“Repeat from earlier. Thought they might.”

“Ah okay.”

“We alright watching this until he wakes up?”

“Sure.”

“Great, thanks.”

Sebastian shook his head and settled back into him. They could watch this, have a nice bit of peace, feed Teddy his dinner when he woke before going out for their meal. Far easier than struggling in a restaurant. The one they’d decided on was only five minutes walk away. They could just take his milk. Keep things simple.

  


A couple of hours later they were sat in their chosen restaurant, Mark having phoned to reserve a table and make sure they were happy to have Teddy there and provide a high-chair for him. The latter had proved more important than the former seeing as they had arrived shortly after half past six to find that they were far earlier than most diners.

Not that it mattered to them though. They were only interested in each other, eating their meal and letting Teddy play with his new toy as he sat beside them. Seeing as it was their anniversary they didn’t want to rush things, but by half past seven Teddy was flagging and Mark sat holding him in his arms to feed him his night bottle kindly warmed by the obliging staff. It was certainly a better option than letting him cry and disturb the now busier restaurant. Mark had tried handing him to bottle to sit feed himself, but Teddy had pouted and refused it, holding out his arms and calling for Dada, until he took him.

Now Mark smiled over at Seb sat opposite, baby in one arm, bottle  held  in  his other hand. It amused him to think that other couples out for their anniversary meal might be playing footsie under the table and sharing desert while Mark now had to put the bottle down and ask Seb for the cloth so he could wipe milky dribble away from a sleepy mouth.

“We’ll go after this,” decided Seb.

“You sure you don’t want coffee or desert?”

“Not unless you do Liebling.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder, then looked down at Teddy who’s eyes were falling closed. It wasn’t really fair to keep him up too long.

“Nah, we’ll go back. There’s that bottle of complimentary wine they left. We could have a drink once he’s down.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“We can just settle in. I think that’s equally nice Liebling.”

Mark huffed a laugh and another as Teddy looked up at him.

“Yeah mate down to you, but that’s okay. Daddy and Papa will be quite happy with making our own fun just so long as you be a good boy and sleep.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“Our own fun?”

Mark smiled.

“Well, it is our anniversary.”

“Technically not until tomorrow.”

“I’m more than willing to wait until midnight if that’s what it takes.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head.

“Tonight counts.”

“Good to know.”

Mark looked down at Teddy. He had definitely better fall asleep and stay asleep.

  


  


It seemed they were in luck. When they got back Mark had to hold Teddy’s mouth open for Seb to clean his teeth and the baby barely opened his eyes, merely squirming as Seb gave his little face a quick clean with a flannel. By the time they had him changed into his pyjamas he was out for the count and hardly stirred at all as they put him down in the cot.

Seb and Mark stood looking down at him. Mark letting out a long sigh.

“’kay?” checked Sebastian.

Mark nodded, then smiled.

“Right, well seeing as we only had about half a glass each with our meal, shall we open that wine?”

“Sounds good.”

 

They took their glasses out onto the terrace to look out at the city at night, putting the door to so the draft was kept out, but so they could hear Teddy if he needed them. It was far colder now it was dark and gusts of wind blew past, but they stood by the edge looking out, Mark’s arm around Seb as they sipped their wine.

“It’s pretty,” observed Seb. “All the little lights.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian smiled as he realised that Mark was looking less to the view and more to him.

“You’re staring at me Liebling.”

“Meh, you’re my husband. I’m allowed to stare.”

Seb huffed a laugh and turned in to him.

“Why are you staring?”

“Cos you’re beautiful and I count myself lucky every day that you’re mine.”

Taking in a deeper breath Sebastian gazed into his eyes.

“Me too.”

“Always.”

“Always,” agreed Seb.

They smiled at one another before Seb stretched up to kiss Mark, a task made slightly more difficult by the fact both of them were trying to hang on to the glasses in their hands. As Seb lowered down Mark shivered, making him smile.

“Shall we go in?” 

“Yeah.”

 

With just a brief check to see that Teddy was safely asleep, they took their wine to sit on the sofa, settling in together and putting the television on quietly so as not to disturb him. There wasn’t much on beyond the usual Saturday night rubbish, so after a little while Sebastian turned in more to Mark.

“You know Liebling I could do with a bit of warming up.”

Mark huffed a laugh and raised an eyebrow.

“That sounds promising. Did you have anything in particular in mind?”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged a shoulder.

“Well, you know that’s really quite a big bath we’ve got here.”

“Ah.”

“Does that sound nice?”

Mark chuckled, thinking just about any scenario with them warming up together was good in his book.

“Sounds very nice,” he concurred. 

 

Grinning, Sebastian sat up, kissed him on the cheek and disappeared off into the bathroom to set the bath running before returning to sit back on the sofa.

“Won’t take long,” Seb informed him.

Mark nodded and handed him back his wine to take another sip,  Seb  waiting only another minute or two before worrying that the bath might overflow and going to watch over it. In his absence Mark took the wine to put in the kitchen, then followed Seb to the bathroom, going to stand behind him and wrapping his arms around. Sebastian turned his head and smiled.

“Teddy still asleep?” he checked.

“Yep. Totally out.”

“Good.”

Mark laughed and gave him a kiss before letting go to make sure the door to the living area was firmly shut so they wouldn't disturb their son. It was a deep bath, lots of room and rounded at either end with designer  a recessed tap which meant they weren’t about to bang into it. A very thoughtful touch to Mark’s mind. They could sit facing one another if they chose, but he was pretty sure Seb had something else in mind.

 

Soon they were sat in the warm water, Seb resting into Mark as they relaxed. Mark set his head back against the folded towel on the edge and let out a long breath before stroking his hands down Seb’s arms. Sebastian smiled and turned his head, looking at him for a moment, then stretching to kiss  Mark . As he pulled away, Seb laughed.

“I think that wine’s gone to my head.”

“Oh really?”

“Mmm.”

Mark laughed too and smoothed his hands lower down Seb’s skin under the water.

“Does that mean I might get to have my wicked way with you?”

Sebastian giggled and turned to face him, Mark helping by putting his hands at his waist so he didn’t slip.

“You know what Liebling?”

“What?”

With a grin Sebastian leant his body into him and rubbed his nose into Mark’s, once, then twice before putting his mouth by his ear.

“That was very much my plan.”

Seb smiled at the feeling of Mark laughing against him, already anticipating the even nicer feelings Mark could give him.

  


  


Afterwards they pulled on the thick towelling dressing-gowns provided and went through to check on their son, relieved to find him still asleep, though they had tried not to make too much noise given that his cot was only in the next room. Letting out a long breath, Seb wound his arms around Mark’s middle as he put his arms around him. Seb rested his cheek into Mark’s shoulder and Mark kissed his forehead.

“You tired?” he checked.

Seb nodded his head against him.

“I know it’s not late.”

“Let’s go to bed,” Mark encouraged.

“’kay.”

It felt nice to slip into bed, lying clean dry skin together, their dressing-gowns left to the side in case they needed to grab them to get up for Teddy, but so far, not a peep. Mark smiled as Sebastian hooked one leg over his as he cuddled in, still wanting to stay as close as possible, his cheek pressed into Mark’s chest, his arm across him. Hugging him in Mark tipped his head down to look, then chuckled softly to himself. Seb was already fast asleep, a smile on his face. 

He didn’t mind though. Mark knew that Seb falling asleep pretty much straight after sex was a sign that he felt relaxed and happy in the arms of the man he trusted to keep him safe. What more could Mark really want to make him feel good about himself than that? Nothing he could think of right now. He closed his eyes and let a sense of satisfaction flow through his veins, feeling Seb’s warm body as he lay into him, hearing Teddy’s breathing on the monitor by the bed. Everything right as it should be. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly so as not to disturb Seb, then without letting go of him, Mark fell asleep himself.

  


  


  


The next morning they were up as early as ever, but it gave them plenty of time to have a good breakfast and let Teddy have a play while they tidied up. They knew it was a good job that they had removed all breakable items from his reach when he very nearly succeeded in pulling over the table they were using to change him on. Seb spotted it veering towards him as Teddy tried to use it to help him stand. The only reason it was slowed was the pack of nappies shoved underneath holding the far legs back. He whipped over, shoving the table back with one hand as he grabbed hold of Teddy’s dungarees shoulder strap with the other.

“Careful Teddy,” he warned.

Teddy’s face crumpled and he burst into tears, Seb sighing and holding him in.

“You nearly pulled it on top of you,” Seb tried to explain.

The little boy of course wasn’t listening, he merely buried his face in Seb’s chest, less understanding that he had put himself in danger than that his father had sounded cross with him. Sebastian stood with him, rubbing over his back as Mark came over.

“Is he alright?”

“Yeah. Just shouldn’t have taken my eyes off him.”

 

Mark knew that meant both of them, but they had been busy tidying up and still had a bit of packing to sort out. He looked at the L-shaped sofa and the large square padded coffee-table/leg rest and had an idea. Pulling that to one side he shoved the sofa up  against it to touch the wall beneath where the flat-screen TV was  on the other side  where the L-shape part stuck out , creating a little padded enclosure  in the middle . Sebastian smiled as he realised what he was up to, looking to Teddy.

“Daddy’s making you a safe little play-pen Teddybär.”

Teddy pouted at him, so Seb wiped his cheeks and gave him a smile before lifting him to set him in the little square space Mark had created. Teddy sat  on the rug there for a moment, then used the sofa to help himself stand. Sebastian satisfied himself that the TV was too high  on the wall for him to reach while Mark collected up a few of his toys to keep him occupied, then they both watched to see he was fine, before looking to each other.

“Right, so if we get everything we can packed, then get ready to go?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark.

 

 

Twenty minutes later they were wrapped up for their walk. Knowing that the path wouldn't be suitable, they were leaving the buggy behind, so Seb had the carrier while Mark slung a bag with Teddy’s  essentials in over his shoulder. He helped lift Teddy in to sit on Seb’s back and they set off, following the map on Mark’s phone which led them through town and then out to the east, surprisingly quickly reaching open heath land with Arthur’s Seat rising up beyond them. As they left pavements behind and started along the footpath Sebastian looked up, thinking it seemed even bigger now they were close.

“How long did it estimate to the top?” he asked.

Mark puffed a breath.

“Twenty minutes give or take, but that wasn’t towing a baby.”

Sebastian smiled and turned his head to look at Teddy. It was quite a weight now, but his son had his  mittened  hands on his shoulders and it felt quite nice to give him a piggy-back like this whilst still having your hands free. Teddy had his snowsuit on as they knew it would be windy higher up, but for now the hood down  with just his hat on so he was free to look about at their surroundings.

 

The path was wending ever upwards, steadily at first, then growing steeper. Mark offered out his hand to Sebastian, initially just to hold it, then as they went on to help pull him up.

“Do you want to swap?” 

“I’m okay. Just, can you keep an eye that he’s alright. I can’t really see him properly.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“I am anyway darling, but sure. You’re alright up there aren’t you kiddo?”

“Dada bah.”

“Bah?” wondered Mark.

Sebastian tried to shrug, but his shoulders were weighted, so he merely gave a shake of his head. Mark laughed, wondering of their son was ticking him off for not helping carry him, so he pulled on Seb’s hand a little more to help tug them on uphill.

 

Soon it was far steeper than the route they took walking the dogs most days back home. Great stones were set into the path to make occasional steps, becoming more frequent as the gradient inclined ever steeper until it was all rough steps, one after the other. 

Pausing, Seb took in a deep breath.

“Can you walk behind me?”

“Behind?”

“Yeah. So you’re behind Teddy.”

Mark frowned, wondering how that helped, then realised that Seb was concerned he might fall backwards and hurt their son.

“Do you want to swap?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Just, if you can make sure he’s okay.”

“Sure.”

Mark let Sebastian step ahead and fell in behind. If it were just the two of them they could go far faster. It wasn’t just the weight of Teddy slowing Seb down. Every step he took, Seb was conscious of Teddy on his back, taking care to make sure his foothold was secure. The roughly hewn stones weren’t completely flat, but they were at least dry. If it had been wet, Seb didn’t think they would risk this. Teddy would get wet and be miserable anyway. As it was he trudged on and up, thinking that at least he if slipped Teddy would land on him, not under him and Mark would make sure nothing worse happened.

 

The path passed between two larger  rocky  outcrops, Seb putting his hand on the rock at his side to help propel him.  T hen the steps became even steeper and he paused. Mark reached round Teddy’s legs and put his hands on Seb’s hips to give him a push. Sebastian huffed a laugh and tried to turn to look at him.

“Are you just gonna shove me to the top?”

“Am I helping or hindering?”

“Um, no it’s okay I guess that helps. We’re near the top now. I can see where it opens out.”

“Righto.”

Mark smiled to himself as they hauled themselves as a group to complete the steps, the path then broadening until it evened out and merely became a flattened grass trail, scooting round the back of the mound to reach the top. Now they could walk alongside again Sebastian t ook hold of Mark’s hand and  gave him a smile.

“Thank you Liebling.”

Mark winked at him.

“Teamwork sweetheart.”

Sebastian laughed and turned his head to see Teddy.

“What can you see Teddybär? Can you see where we came up?”

 

Now they were reaching the more exposed summit, the wind was stronger and though the sky was clearer today, it was cold, so Mark reached to pull their son’s hood up and folded the little  snowsuit  mitts over his  woollen mittens to keep them warm too. Getting higher it became rockier and uneven underfoot, Seb gripping Mark’s hand a little tighter to keep balance once more. Then they could see the little marker at the very summit on top of the final steep boulders, but they didn’t bother tackling  it , deciding that they were quite high enough without trying that.

They found a place to sit on a flattish wide rock and Mark lifted Teddy out, holding him securely on his knee as they looked out at the view. He puffed out a long breath and Seb leaned into his side, both of them quietly gazing out over the city spread below.

“Is that the sea?” asked Seb, pointing to the north.

Mark nodded.

“Yep.”

“It’s a lot closer than I thought.”

Mark smiled and Seb huffed a laugh.

“I’ve not been missing it this whole time have I?”

“No I think you can only see it from certain spots down there.”

“Mm.” Seb looked to Teddy. “Do you need anything Schatz?”

Teddy looked at him, Seb giving him a smile as he felt his cheeks to be sure he wasn’t too cold.

“You could build a pretty cool castle up here.” he noted.

Mark laughed.

“You want to build a rival one?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“Good views, good defensive spot.”

“True. Wouldn't fancy lugging the stones up to build it though.”

“Ha, no. I’d need some minions for that.”

“I hope you don’t mean me,” laughed Mark.

Shaking his head Sebastian smiled, then kiss his cheek.

“Course not Liebling.”

 

Seb dug out a bottle of water from the bag mostly filled with Teddy’s things. He offered some to him, but Teddy only took a few sips before ceasing interest, so Seb and Mark drank some before putting it away and checking the time.

“Half ten.”

“Yep.” 

Mark looked over to the highest part of the summit seeing a couple of small groups reaching it now, some in proper hiking gear whilst others were merely wearing jeans and trainers as he and Seb were. If they’d have thought about this in advance they would have brought their walking boots, but at least they had proper coats and hats. Thankfully it wasn’t cold enough for frost or ice to make things more difficult.

“You wanna head back in a bit?” he asked.

“Sure.” Sebastian looked to Teddy. “Do you think after lunch we could take him for another little play?”

“At the park you mean?”

“Yeah. He really enjoyed all the slides and things and it’d be good for him to use up his energy before he has to be all cooped up on the way home.”

Mark nodded. If there was any chance they could wear Teddy out enough to actually get him to sleep through take-off, he’d happily let him play for the rest of the day.

  


  


Finding their way down was naturally rather easier going  up , though they still didn’t rush it with Teddy. It felt almost strange to be so soon back in the city again, walking past shops and crossing streets that were only a little quieter on a Sunday morning. By the time they neared their apartments Mark was flagging, so Seb lifted Teddy out to carry in his arms and when they got in they were both quite grateful to sit down with a cup of tea while Teddy toddled about in front of them, helping himself to pieces of banana from the plastic bowl set on the sofa between them.

“I’m glad we did that,” commented Sebastian.

Mark smiled.

“Go for a trek you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Good to get some air in your lungs.”

Seb nodded.

“Exactly. I don’t know what it is about having proper space like that, but it always makes me feel better.” He huffed a laugh. “Not that I didn’t feel good, but, just, I don’t know.”

Mark smiled.

“I know what you mean. As cities go this is a pretty good one. Though maybe with not so many steps everywhere.”

Sebastian laughed again.

“Yes that’s the problem with being hilly.”

Mark huffed a laugh as well. You weren’t likely to have a nice flat place with such wild landscapes so close. They came hand in hand.

Teddy tottered up to them, leaning into Mark’s legs before raising his arms.

“Dada.”

“Yeah mate.”

Lifting him up to sit on his knee Mark held onto the little boy as Seb passed him his cup of milk and Teddy sat happily drinking it for a while before leaning more into Mark who dipped his head down to look.

“I think if you have a lie down mate, we’ll get everything sorted out.”

Seb checked his watch and nodded, standing with him as they put Teddy into his cot for a nap leaving them free to finish packing up all their belongings to take down, leaving just their son’s last essentials as the final things to pack away.

  


Teddy hadn’t fallen asleep right away, but typically by the time they were done and went to check on him, he was totally out.  Knowing they’d do no good by waking him, they decided to leave it as close as they could to their check-out time and merely piled everything ready to go by the door. They made up a couple of bottles to go in  Teddy’ s bag and refilled his snack boxes before seeing where they were up to.

“Quarter to twelve,” noted Mark.

“Mm.” Sebastian looked over to Teddy sleeping. He did not react well to be woken up mid nap, but they wanted to feed him before they went out for their own lunch. “If we leave it twenty minutes?”

Mark nodded, both of them hoping their son would wake of his own accord before then.

Seeing as they had done all they could, they went back to sit on the sofa. Mark flicked on the television, smiling as he found that by chance there was a late running evening match in the Australian Open still going on.

“Mind if we watch this then?”

“No, that’s good. Just gonna look at the paper.”

 

Sebastian tried holding it, but the Sunday newspaper he had bought on their way back was too wide so he spread it out on the floor, sitting so he leaned into Mark’s leg where he sat, only occasionally looking up as Mark made an appreciative noise at something happening in the match. As Mark saw him looking, he smiled.

“It was right on the line.”

“Oh I see. Who’s winning?”

“Nadal’s got the upper hand in the tie-break.”

“Five sets?”

“Yep. Looks like it’s finally going his way though.”

Sebastian nodded. Once he hardly knew anything about tennis, but being with Mark he watched far more sport of all sorts than he ever had outside motorsport and football which had been his primary interests when he had been younger. He watched for a minute, then seeing the match coming to a head, he climbed up off the floor, sitting down to rest at the L-shaped end and stretching out his legs towards Mark on the sofa. Seb smiled as Mark picked his feet up to place in his lap, tickling his socked feet before they both returned to watching the TV, Mark unconsciously trailing a finger up and down the sole of Seb’s right foot.

  


Fifteen minutes later the match and all the follow-up interviews had finished. As Mark flicked the television off  he and Seb heard a noise and turned to see Teddy sat up in his cot. They got up and went over, smiling to see their son seemingly quite content as he sat there, making little noises as if singing to himself whilst attempting to pull one of his socks off for reasons best known only to him. Sebastian leaned in to lift  Teddy out, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Were you watching the tennis too Kleiner?”

Mark looked in at Teddy, giving him a smile and getting a lovely wide smile in response.

“You’re in a good mood sunshine.”

“I wonder how long he was awake?”

Mark shrugged.

“Meh. Quite happy or he would have let us know, wouldn't you mate?”

“Spose so.”

“Right, I’ll sort his lunch then we can get cracking.”

Sebastian nodded. They had found what looked like a nice gastro pub for their lunch, but though it advertised itself as being family friendly he didn’t think they would have anything suitable for Teddy, so it was easier just to do it this way round. 

 

While Mark fed Teddy, Sebastian went round making sure they had all their things packed and ready to go, double-checking the bedroom and bathroom, unmaking Teddy’s cot and replacing the breakable items from where they had stashed them so the place looked the same as when they arrived.

“Do we need to put the cot back in our room?”

Mark looked up from wiping Teddy’s chin.

“Oh no. They’re only gonna be taking it out again aren’t they?”

“I guess. Right, well we’re ready then. Are you?”

Mark gave Teddy a last look over, then nodded, picking up his bowl and spoon.

“Just need to give these a rinse and we’re good.”

Sebastian couldn't stop himself checking his watch. They only had five minutes spare, but then it wasn’t as if they were about to send the bailiffs round, so he merely lifted Teddy out of his chair to put his coat on and strap him into his pushchair.

Soon they were in the little lift, bags piled around them. It seemed as though they had multiplied whilst they were there, but thankfully when they got down to the reception desk, they were happy to store everything for a couple of hours so they could go out for lunch unencumbered.

 

The pub they entered was busy with others all having their own Sunday lunches, but Seb and Mark were happy enough to take a small table in the corner, Teddy’s pushchair wedged alongside with the little boy held on Seb’s knee. Once they’d ordered, Sebastian had a proper look at his surroundings, taking in the low dark wooden beams and configuration of small rooms linked to one another.  He wondered how long this place had been a pub or an inn of one form or another.  Perhaps hundreds of years by the look of it.  There was a small fireplace over to the side  that looked old, though it seemed they no longer used it which was a shame as Seb thought it would make the atmosphere nice and cosy. A hubub of noise floated around the place, but people appeared too interested in their own food and company to take much notice of them.

Once they had eaten, Seb insisting he was fine to manage doing so whilst holding on to Teddy, they eschewed hanging around drinking coffee and headed out, back into what now felt far colder air. Mark had looked up an easier route than the day before, so they checked it on his phone so they could take the roads which involved  more gradual slopes, reaching the park far quicker than expected.

“I think it’s actually a more direct route,” judged Mark. “Typical.”

“Oh well.” 

Sebastian looked over the park railings as they walked along the pavement, looking for the gateway with a ramp they had exited by on the previous day. As they found it and went down into the gardens, Mark shook his head.

“I think this is one of those places you have to have insider knowledge on.”

“Mm.”

“Ah well. Know for next time.”

Sebastian laughed.

“We’re leaving this afternoon.”

“No I know, but, well, nice place, we could come back some time. Maybe when he’s bigger?”

“That’d be good. I think there’s lots of things he’d enjoy more in a couple of years time.”

“Sure.” Mark looked down to Teddy. “Hey mate, look what we found. It’s your slides again.”

Teddy bounced in his seat as he spotted the playground coming closer, letting little shouts of excitement, both parents smiling, glad that they had left time for this.

 

They deliberately encouraged their son to run around with them as much as possible, getting Teddy to toddle between slides and other play equipment. Then as it got close to three Seb gave Mark the nod and he slid Teddy down his favourite slide, then swung him straight into his waiting buggy seat, both of them buckling him in before he had time to protest. It had clouded over, so Seb made sure his warm leg cover was in place as Mark distracted him by handing him his new dinosaur toy.

“Here you are mate. Now then, time to go.”

Teddy frowned and made noises of complaint, but the car was booked to collect them at half past, so Mark went round and began pushing the buggy to get them going. They walked back at such a pace that they found themselves back on the busy main road where they were staying sooner than they thought and had a spare twenty minutes to kill. They wandered in and out of a couple of the touristy souvenir shops, joking about buying some of the tackier items and actually picking up a couple of nicer looking tins of fudge to give to Pauline and for Seb to take into work and to send to his brother who he knew would appreciate it.

Going to the till Sebastian piled up the tins and the man serving there raised his eyebrow.

“Bit of o’ fan are yer then?”

Sebastian smiled.

“Just easy presents for people.”

“Ah, gotcha.”

 

He started scanning and arranging the tins into carrier bags so Mark wheeled the pushchair over to put them underneath. As Seb took out his wallet to pay the man pointed out the display of dressed haggis they had in a little fridge to the side.

“Not wanting some haggis to celebrate Burns Night?” he pressed. “They’re on offer.”

Sebastian looked to Mark and huffed a laugh.

“I don’t think so Liebling. Do you?”

“Nah we’re good mate, thanks.”

The man nodded, then gave a tip of his head.

“As you like, though I should say they’re really very good value given their rarity these days.”

“Rarity?”

“Oh yes, well y’know of course that wild haggis only roam the highland glens where the heather grows.”

He looked at Seb with an entirely straight face and Sebastian frowned, the man nodding to encourage him.

“Aye they’re a bugger to airt oot since they’re such wee canny creatures fer playing hidie.”

Sebastian was so busy trying to follow what he was saying that at first he didn’t notice the smirk on Mark’s face, then he sighed and shook his head, the man behind the counter chuckling.

“Ah damnit, nearly had ye there!”

Mark laughed and Seb could only smile. As the man passed Mark the last bag of their purchases and handed Seb the receipt, he gave them a wink.

“I usually get a few folk w’ that. Ne’er mind.”

“I think you’re pushing it saying they’re playing hide and seek,” advised Mark.

“Mm, mebbe. Ah well.”

“Thanks,” nodded Seb.

“Nae bother. Enjoy yer dae.”

 

As they walked back out onto the street Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“I can’t believe I nearly fell for that.”

Mark chuckled.

“Just amusing himself I reckon. Got to make your own fun sometimes.”

“Are we that obviously tourists?”

“I think anyone going in those shops are pretty obviously tourists sweetheart. I wouldn't take it personally.”

“No. Ah well.” He checked his watch. “We’ve got five minutes.”

“Plenty of time,” Mark assured him.

Sebastian nodded. All they had to do was retrieve their bags from the reception desk of their apartments  just down the alleyway they were close by now , then wait for their car to appear to collect them. It wasn’t going to drive off without them seeing as the pick-up was arranged by their flight company.

  


  


Before they knew it they were back on the plane, attempting to distract Teddy from getting upset on take-off before settling in for the sort journey south. Their efforts to wear him out in advance seemed to have had some effect as he dropped off in Mark’s arms, only waking when he put him into his seat for landing, which had the predictable effect of sending the little boy off crying once more. Thankfully though they were soon on the ground, transferred to the car and driven back home. It seemed that the experience was more than enough for their son seeing Teddy fell asleep again in the car and wasn’t woken by being taken inside  the house . So much so that they actually managed to get him upstairs and lain down in his cot without a stir.

That done Seb and Mark forgot about their bags in the hall for a while and went into the kitchen to make cups of tea and fuss over the dogs who fussed even more so over their returned masters. As they sat down at the kitchen table Sebastian held his mug in one hand, and with his other  stroked over Simba’s head which had been plonked resolutely on his thigh, demanding attention. 

“Yes we’re home,” reassured Seb as he looked down into those doleful brown eyes. “Missed us didn’t you?”

“Absence makes the heart grow founder.”

“Mm.”

Mark looked down to Shadow who was attempting to wrap himself round his leg. He too gave him a rub.

“Yes you daft thing. I know.” He looked at the time. “Not yet six. We’ve done well.”

“Slight advantage having the plane.”

“Well yeah, but I don’t think we’d have fancied driving it.”

“How long would it have taken?” wondered Seb.

Mark put down his tea to look it up on his phone.

“Wow, getting on eight hours.”

Sebastian pulled a face.

“Oof.”

“Quite. Don’t think we’d be doing that for a weekend away.”

“No. Mind you, endurance driver, you ought to be alright.”

“Ha, you don’t do Le Mans with a baby in the back.”

“No.” Seb huffed a laugh. “Whole new category.”

“Ha.”

“Maybe not.”

 

Mark smiled and leaned over to give Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Maybe not darling, but I think the rest of the stuff we do earned us the privilege of spoiling ourselves with a nice little trip here and there.”

“Yeah guess so.”

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Yeah definitely Liebling. It was so nice to do something different.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Mark. “And of course technically it’s still our anniversary tonight.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Got something in mind?”

“I might do.”

Sebastian laughed again as Mark merely smiled back. He was about to tease him about what those ideas might entail when the monitor went off and Mark sighed.

“Shoulda known it couldn't last.”

“I think he’s realised it’s past his dinner time.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll go.”

 

Mark nodded. Back to normal life. Not that they had really left it all that far behind. Very soon he would be back in work, having to leave his son behind for the very first time. He knew how much he would miss Teddy, even if it was only for one day while he nipped over to Stuttgart. No complaining about him crying then. Mark knew he would miss even that. So until then he ought to make the most of it.

“Nah s’alright. I got it,” insisted Mark, already standing.

Moments later he was upstairs in the nursery, Teddy in his arms cuddling into him.

“There now,” Mark soothed. “Daddy’s here. Shhh now. Good boy.”

He looked in to see that his son had calmed and after a quick nappy check, took him down to find Seb busily sorting out dinner in the kitchen.

“Ah look Teddy, Papa’s getting your food ready.”

“Papa.”

Sebastian smiled and gave Teddy a kiss as Mark lifted him in to peer at what he was putting into his bowl.

“Mm, yummy,” declared Mark.

Seb huffed a laugh and handed it over.

“You get started with him Liebling while I get ours.”

“Righto.”

Mark set Teddy in his high-chair before turning to collect up his things, fixing his son’s bib in place before doing anything as foolish as setting the bowl of food in front of him and offering Teddy his spoon. While the little boy set about covering his face in mess Seb put his and Mark’s dinner in the over, both meals ones rapidly grabbed from the freezer, Teddy’s casserole thankfully quick to heat up in such a small portion. He spotted some getting on their son’s sleeve but as Seb caught Mark’s eye they merely pushed Teddy’s sleeves up and let him get on with it. No point worrying about it.

It was dark outside, tomorrow was Monday and soon they would be getting into proper pre-season preparations; training, studying, working with their teams and dealing with everything that came with getting ready to cope with them both racing this year, but that could wait. Until tomorrow at least.

 

* * *

 


	250. First Partings

* * *

 

 

A week later they were sat watching the tennis once more. It was Sunday morning and seeing as the men’s final in the Australian Open wasn’t played until the evening in Melbourne, Mark was able to get up to watch it from the start, Seb giving Teddy his breakfast before they came through to join him. Once Teddy was set playing on the carpet with his toys Sebastian bobbed back through to the kitchen and returned with mugs of tea for them both.

“Oh you’re a star,” thanked Mark as he accepted his.

Sebastian smiled and sat beside him.

“How’s it going so far then?” he enquired.

“Well…”

While Mark filled him in Sebastian kept an eye on their son who was re-acquainting himself with the dogs who had chosen to come through earlier with Mark. As Mark returned to concentrating on the match Seb bobbed up to pull the large plastic tub they kept in here containing some of Teddy’s toys over and took the lid off to help him choose a few to play with. Then seeing as he seemed happy playing, Seb left him to it and went back to sit with Mark so he too could watch the tennis.

  


It was an agreeable way to spend a Sunday morning, just relaxing at home doing as they pleased. Outside the weather had gone colder again, but at least the sky was bright when they took the dogs out for their walk after Teddy had woken from his nap. They’d put a chicken in to roast in the oven which Mark joked was their incentive for keeping their pace swift. As they walked through the fields, the dogs running ahead off their leads, Seb slipped his hand into Mark’s.

“Nice day,” he commented.

“Lovely,” agreed Mark. “Brisk, but can’t go wrong with a bit of sunshine.”

Glancing at the clear blue sky above, Sebastian nodded.

“I suppose it’ll be cold tonight.”

“Mm.”

Sebastian looked to Teddy in the carrier on Mark’s back, straightening his little woolly hat before looking back to Mark.

“So, um, you’re alright about next week then?” he checked.

Mark smiled. He knew Seb meant less the week itself and more the fact that on the Tuesday he was due to attend the first meetings back with Porsche in Stuttgart. He’d managed to wrangle things so that he could do it in one day, so it wasn’t too bad, even if it was going to require a pretty early start to get there in time.

He nodded to Seb.

“Sure. Be a bit strange at first I guess, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Course.”

“I’ve got some stuff to go through, so you won’t mind if I hole up in my office a bit will you?”

“That’s fine. We can just play in the nursery, let you have some peace and quiet,” offered Sebastian.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“You don’t have to hide away darling.”

“No but…” Sebastian shrugged. “I just thought it might help.”

Mark nodded.

“Very considerate. Well, whatever you want to do, or Teddy wants I guess.” He turned his head to look at Teddy. “You gonna be a good boy for Papa and let Daddy work?”

“Dada.”

Teddy laughed and reached round to pat his father's face, making Mark laugh too.

“Hmm, maybe having a play upstairs wouldn't be the worst idea.”

Sebastian smiled as Mark gave his hand a little squeeze.

“No problem and you’ll be totally fine in work Liebling. I’m sure it’ll be like you were never gone.”

Mark nodded. He hoped so, though if he was entirely honest, he wasn’t sure how it would feel to go back after over a year away. There was no way it wasn’t going to feel strange, though hopefully Seb was right and once he got into the swing of things he would be more comfortable. What would be even stranger would be leaving their son behind.

If you had asked Mark a couple of years ago if he might be feeling a bit wobbly about being parted from his infant son for only a day, he would have thought it preposterous. The concept alone of having a child would have seemed bizarre and even when they were in the process of trying to adopt, Mark hadn’t really thought about getting to this point other than he would just step right back into his normal life. ‘Normal life’ had changed for him now, far more than he had ever expected. The little boy whose small hands rested on his shoulders now had become his life, his day-to-day routine, his _world_ pretty much apart from Seb. It was only a day though. He’d be fine.

  


  


 

On Tuesday morning Mark stood on the doorstep of their home, Seb just inside holding Teddy who had only just woken up seeing as it was barely quarter past six. It was still pitch dark outside and bitterly cold, so Mark leaned in to kiss each of them, then hitched his bag on his shoulder.

“Don’t let him get cold darling.”

Sebastian opened his fluffy dressing gown to hold their son wrapped inside it and Mark smiled to see that chubby little face poking out of the gap.

“Have a nice day.”

“You too Liebling. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“Thanks. I’ll try and call on my break or at least lunchtime.”

“I’ll have my phone.”

“Good.” Mark took a deep breath, the air cold in his lungs. He knew he should stop prevaricating, if only for Teddy’s sake so Seb could take him properly inside. “Alright well hopefully I’ll be back before his bedtime.”

Sebastian nodded. They’d already been over this several times, but he could tell that Mark wanted to reassure himself.

“You can give us an ETA before you take off can’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Right well say hi to Jenson for me and enjoy yourself.”

Mark huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Cheers. Love you.”

“Love you too. Say bye to Daddy Schatz.” Seb looked in at Teddy hidden amongst the folds of his dressing-gown. “Bye Daddy.”

“Bye,” echoed Teddy.

Mark thought he could pout to rival any of Seb’s efforts, but he gave their son a smile instead.

“Good boy darling. Be good for Papa and I’ll see you later.”

“Dada.”

Mark looked to Seb and knew he wasn’t making this any easier by stringing it out. With a last nod he stepped away, putting his bag in the car and pausing only as he opened the car door to climb in to give his family a last wave.

“Bye guys!” he called.

“Bye,” waved Seb, shifting the fold of his dressing-gown enough to allow Teddy to wave too. The morning air was cold where it was just his pyjama t-shirt exposed, so he made sure his son stayed as wrapped up as possible.

“Bye to Daddy,” he prompted.

“Bye,” shouted Teddy. “Bye.”

Mark waved back, his heart tugged by that high-pitched voice. At least Teddy didn’t seem upset he was going, but then Mark wasn’t entirely sure his son really understood what was happening. No more lingering though. With a last wave he got into the car and it was backing off the drive. His last sight of Seb and Teddy was of the door just beginning to shut. Then it was off down the lane and on his way. He knew there was no point thinking too much about those he left behind. Teddy would be fine with Seb and he would see them both tonight. In the meantime Mark knew he just had to get on with things.

  


Back at the house Sebastian stood in the hallway, lifting Teddy out from the wraps of his dressing-gown and giving him a smile.

“Right Schatz, better get your milk hadn’t we?”

“Dada.”

“See Dada later Liebling. Just us today but we’ll have fun until he comes home.”

He took him through into the kitchen, the dogs who Seb had shut in to prevent them running out onto the drive immediately rushing over. They pressed against his pyjama-clad legs but Seb didn’t have time for them right now, so he set his son down in his high-chair to sort things out.

A couple of minutes later he passed Teddy his warm milk to drink and sat beside him with his mug of tea. Normally they would go back to bed, but Seb didn’t fancy it much when it would only make him think about Mark’s absence. The dogs were sat beside them so Seb gave them a stroke, then seeing Teddy getting on well drinking his own milk he went to refill the dogs’ bowls so they too could have an early breakfast.

  


Once they’d all finished Seb tidied up, then glanced out of the still dark kitchen window. He hardly knew what to do with himself now. Turning back around, Seb went to duck down by Teddy.

“What do you want to do Liebling?”

“Papa.”

“Mm.”

Teddy didn’t seem terribly lively, but Seb wasn’t surprised seeing as usually all they did at this time was have a cuddle up in bed, the little boy often dozing with his parents until they got up and dressed a couple of hours later for their proper breakfast. Seb couldn't be bothered going to change out of his pyjamas right now. They were warm and cosy and Teddy in his own pyjama onesie seemed content as he was.

“Let’s just go sit in the lounge,” decided Seb. “We’ll put something on shall we? Cartoon maybe?”

Teddy reached to paw at him so Seb lifted him out and they went through, the dogs trailing them to settle in the lounge. Seb put on ‘The Little Mermaid’ and left the curtains drawn, pulling the blanket from the back of the sofa to tuck around them. Once he had pressed play Sebastian swung his legs up onto the sofa and sat sideways against the end, Teddy on his knee lying into his father's chest facing out, eyes on the brightly coloured screen as the pair of them half watched the film and mostly just enjoyed their snug surroundings while the sun slowly rose outside.  


  


Mark meanwhile had boarded the plane to make the short hop to the continent, transferring to another car to arrive ahead of the meetings of the day so he had time to chat to Andreas before it all started. Though they began by discussing matters relating to work, Mark ended up perched on the edge of his boss’s desk showing him pictures of Teddy on his phone, smiling as he got to the ones of them out in Australia and even more recently up in Edinburgh.

“So that’s us below the castle,” he explained.

Andreas nodded.

“I feel like I just watched your son grow up in fast-forward.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Sorry.”

“No no, proud father. It’s nice. I’m glad to see everything has been going well for you.”

“Thanks.”

“And they’re both well, Seb and Teddy?”

“Yeah great thanks.”

“Very good. Well, I’m pleased you enjoyed your time off. Hopefully you’re raring to get back to work now.”

 

Mark smiled. He wanted to laugh at the notion that paternity leave qualified as time off. As if he had spent the last year with his feet up, not half the time sleep deprived and tearing his hair out trying to care for his son. Not that he was about to get into any of that with his boss.

“Very keen to find out where we’re at and get going,” he assured.

“Excellent. Well, why don’t you walk down with me?” encouraged Andreas.

Nodding, Mark went with him to where they were having their team meeting. He spent some time chatting with the engineers and other team members before the other drivers began to arrive, Jenson teasing him that he was the new boy trying to get in good by arriving early. Mark laughed back, teasing Jenson that he was too lazy to get out of bed on time. The other drivers were in good spirits too, sharing tales of their Christmasses and the past year seeing as Mark hadn’t seen some of them in all that time.

 

Soon he found himself forgetting his concerns and settling in, just as Seb had reassured him he would and by the time they were taking seats at the table to listen to those speaking first, Mark did feel himself relaxing. It still felt a little strange to be here and Mark couldn't help wondering what Seb and Teddy were up to, but he didn’t feel entirely out of place either.

As the meeting went on Mark was glad that he had spent some time on his homework so he knew what was being discussed, listening more carefully than he thought he had in the past so he fully understood everything. When they had a break everyone went through to the next room to get coffee and chat, so Mark apologised to Jenson as he stood beside him, putting down his cup to send a text to Seb.

MARK: Hey sweetheart hope you guys are ok. Busy busy here. Just got 10mins for break so I’ll have to call at lunchtime if that’s alright?

 

Sebastian pulled his phone out as it buzzed and smiled as he read them message before looking to Teddy who was sat with him on the lounge carpet surrounded by toys.

“It’s Daddy Teddybär. He’s just saying hello.”

“Dada.”

“Yeah.”

Teddy crawled towards him so Seb pulled him into his lap, kissing the top of his head.

“Dada.”

Seb stroked down his son’s arm.

“He’s missing us too Liebling.”

Freeing up a hand Seb managed to text one handed so he could send a reply.

SEB: No problem. Hope you’re ok. Teddy says hi. xox

 

Mark huffed a little laugh as he read that, then sent a text in return.

MARK: Hi back. Yeah I’m fine darling. Lots to take in, but it’s good. Speak later.

SEB: Glad to hear it. Love you x

MARK: Love you too x.

He heard a laugh as he sent that last message and looked up to see Jenson shaking his head.

“What?” challenged Mark.

“Nothing changes does it?” Jenson smiled. “No prizes for guessing who you’re texting.”

Mark smiled and shrugged a shoulder.

“Just checking they’re okay.”

Jenson nodded. No change at all there as far as he could tell.

“Must be kinda weird for you not being Daddy for a day.”

“I’m always Daddy.”

Jenson almost laughed, but he stopped himself at the entirely serious expression on his friend’s face. Instead he just gave his arm a little pat.

“Course mate. Well I’m sure they’re alright at home.”

“Yeah they’re fine,” agreed Mark. “And yeah, to be honest mate it is a bit weird not being home with them, but you know…”

He shrugged and Jenson nodded.

“Glad to have you back.”

“Cheers.”

  


By the time Mark rang home during his lunch break Sebastian was just getting Teddy up from his morning nap. Mark was stood outside in the cold, choosing to wrap up in his coat rather than feel rude talking in front of others. It also meant he could have a private conversation of course, though as he stamped his feet to get his circulation going Mark wasn’t having any kind of conversation as the phone rang out. He waited however, knowing what life was like with Teddy. Then abruptly his Facetime call connected.

“Oh Liebling, I’m sorry.”

Mark smiled at his husband’s slightly harassed voice.

“That’s alright sweetheart.”

“I was just lifting him out of his cot.”

“Ah. Do you want me to call back?”

“No no, we’re just sat in the rocking chair now.”

“Ah gotcha. Teddy there then?”

“Yep.” Seb looked down to their son sat on his knee and moved the phone so they were both in shot. “It’s Daddy Liebling, look. Do you want to say hello?”

Teddy peered at the little screen, his brow furrowing at seeing his father so strangely.

“Hey Teddy it’s Daddy darling. Hi.”

At first he got nothing back, but after repeating hi a couple of times and waving to his son, Mark received a little hi back that made him sigh. Teddy babbled a little, then started pawing towards the screen, trying to reach his daddy. Mark wanted to sigh again, wishing he really could reach his son too so he could give him a hug.

Seb moved the phone back so he could speak.

“Sorry, he’s only just woken up.”

“Oh no that’s okay. Just nice to hear from him. You’re doing okay then?”

“Yeah fine. I’ve been doing a bit of work myself while he was asleep.”

“Very good.”

“How about you Liebling? Is it all going okay?”

“Yep fine,” assured Mark. “Kindof a lot to fit in, but it’s good.”

“What’ve you been doing?”

Mark puffed a breath, smiling a little at the way it ghosted up in front of him. He filled Seb in on his morning laughing as Seb told him his by contrast had been far simpler.

 

“I’ll be honest Liebling, all we’ve really done is play. It’s so frosty out I thought we’d wait until this afternoon to take the dogs for their walk.”

“Sounds wise,” agreed Mark.

“How is it with you?”

“Ha, perishing. I’m wishing I’d brought a woolly hat.”

“Oh?” Seb frowned then belatedly noticed the breath ghosting from his husband's lips. “Oh Liebling are you stood outside?”

“Well yeah. Just quieter out here.”

“Don’t go getting cold.”

Mark huffed a laugh at him being so solicitous.

“I’m alright sweetheart. Got my coat at least.”

“Have you had your lunch?”

“Not yet. I wanted to call you first.”

Sebastian smiled to know they were his top priority.

“Well make sure you get something to eat.”

“Yes Mum.”

Sebastian tsk’d and Mark smiled.

“Sorry darling. I will get some lunch in a mo. Have you had yours?”

“No we’re an hour behind. It’s only half eleven here.”

“Oh of course. Well I guess I’d better go get some grub then and let you look after Teddy.”

“Okay. I’m glad it’s all going alright. I knew it would.”

“Ha, cheers,” smiled Mark, “oh and Jenson says hi.”

“Is he there?”

“Not outside with me, no.”

Seb huffed a laugh

“Right, well hi back to him. Go inside now Liebling, don’t be getting cold.”

“That’s me told.”

“You said it was freezing.”

“It is. You’re right darling. As always. Right well not sure what breaks we’ll get this arvo, but I’ll definitely call you later when I’m leaving so you get an idea when I’ll be home.”

“Good. Okay well, say bye to Daddy Teddy,” prompted Seb holding the phone for him to see properly. “Bye.”

“Bye,” echoed Teddy.

“Bye darling. Love you.”

  


Sebastian smiled and encouraged Teddy to wave. He said his own goodbye, then hung up, looking to Teddy on his knee as he fitted the phone back in his jeans pocket.

“Well Daddy seems fine doesn’t he Teddybär? Good. Okay well, let’s go down and see if you want a drink and then we can make our own plans can’t we?”

“Dada,” pouted Teddy.

Seb rubbed over his arm and lifted him up as he stood, thinking a change of scene was the best bet to distract his son from missing his daddy.

  


A few hundred miles away Mark was returning to the warmth of the building, going to find his colleagues in the cafeteria to get some lunch as Seb had told him to. His team-mates would probably wonder what took him so long to join them and Jenson would no doubt tease him that he knew precisely what he had been doing. That was good though. It really would feel like being back to normal. Back to being part of a team where he fitted in, even if he was a little different.

Seb was fine if rather run off his feet on his own, Teddy seemed okay. Mark did miss them. If only he could nip home for just twenty minutes to have a cuddle and a little play before coming back to work. That wasn’t possible though. Mark took a deep breath and told himself not to wallow in his feelings too much or he would only make himself feel worse. So he missed them. Mark had expected to feel this way, so it was no surprise. It was alright to miss his family when he knew that by this evening he would be back there with them.

  


  


Later that afternoon Sebastian sat with Teddy in the nursery again. They were both having a snack and a drink at the little table in there which Teddy seemed to enjoy. He was certainly getting better at balancing on his little chair, though Seb sat at the side near him, just in case. That done they had a play again, Seb letting his son take the lead, playing with his little kitchen and making a mess with all the toy food and kitchen equipment.

Sebastian huffed out a breath as he looked at it covering much of the floor by them, knowing he would end up doing most of the tidying away. Teddy was holding one of the little plastic plates in one hand and patting it with his other hand to make a noise, which apparently was hilarious if you were thirteen months old. As the little boy laughed to himself Seb could only smile. His son was happy. What did a bit of mess really matter?

He tried to get some of it tidied away, knowing how Mark would say they ought to encourage Teddy to do so. Seb held out the toy shopping basket to him.

“Come on now Teddy, we put the food in this to tidy away.”

Teddy looked at him and frowned, so Seb picked up a toy banana and put it in his hand before guiding that little hand to the basket. Teddy looked at the basket, then the toy fruit before pausing.

“Okay now put it in the basket. Let go Teddy.”

Teddy did nothing, so Seb balanced the basket on his knee and picked up a toy apple to show him what to do. The little boy watched him, then copied his father, putting the banana in the basket.

“Good boy Teddy. You help me tidy up.”

Teddy smiled.

“Papa.”

“Yeah, Papa’s pleased you’re helping. Good boy.”

Teddy clapped his hands, then laughed.

“Guh!”

“Yes Liebling, very good.”

The little boy beamed and Seb smiled back, thinking how wonderful it made him feel to see his son looking happy. Then Teddy reached into the basket, took the banana out and put it back on the carpet before picking it up again to put in the basket once more, then sat back on the carpet and clapped his hands looking quite pleased with himself.

 

“Mm, not quite what we’re aiming for,” tried Sebastian. “Here, see.”

Sebastian started filling the basket, but all Teddy did was put items in and out, in and out, never actually decreasing the piles around them. Sebastian let out a long sigh and shook his head as Teddy smiled up at him having just taken a toy tin of beans out of the basket. It was so hard to tell his son off when he looked up to him so clearly seeking approval. Seb stroked his cheek and gave him a smile back.

“We’ll work on it Schatz. Good boy for trying at least.”

Seb swept up the rest of the small items into the basket, then shoved it into one of the wooden kitchen cupboards before trying to get his son to tidy the plates and pans away too. Teddy mostly seemed to enjoy opening and closing the cupboards, but Seb made an effort to make a fuss when the little boy managed to fit some things in the oven, then he held the door shut so he couldn't take them out.

“Done now Liebling. We don’t get them out again.”

Teddy frowned and tried to pull at the door, but Seb shook his head.

“Closed now. All done. Kitchen tidy. Good boy Teddy.”

“Guh.”

“Yes, good. Leave them in or Papa will be treading on things and falling over.”

“Papa.”

“Yes Papa needs it tidy in here. Daddy too when he comes home.”

“Dada?”

 

Teddy looked to the closed nursery door, then pushed himself to his feet and rapidly toddled over. Seb jumped up to follow him, turning him around to come back over to the end where they had Teddy’s play area.

“Dada!” appealed Teddy.

Sebastian sighed, thinking he shouldn't have reminded his son of Mark’s absence.

“Daddy back later Liebling.”

“Dada.” Teddy pouted. “Dada!”

Seb picked him up and hugged him in.

“I’m sorry Kleiner. Dada’s not here right now.”

“ _Dadadada_.”

“I know, I know.” Seb sighed and rubbed over his back. “I miss him too Teddybär. Back tonight. You’ll see him later I promise.”

Teddy sniffled, then started crying. Sebastian closed his eyes and continued rubbing over his back as he took his son to sit on the rocking chair with him.

“I’m sorry Liebling. He had to go to work.”

 

Teddy wasn’t listening. He merely cried into Seb, calling for his dada over and over until he wore himself out. Sebastian rocked the chair back and forth, wondering how he was meant to reassure him when the one thing his son really wanted, he couldn't give him. He knew Mark would feel horrible if he knew his son was crying for him. Seb held Teddy close and kissed the top of his blonde head as he crushed unhappily into him.

“I’m sorry baby, just Papa today.”

Teddy sniffled and looked up to him.

“Papa.”

“Yes Liebling. I’m here. It’s okay.”

The little boy was pouting and Seb wondered what his son was really thinking; if it felt strange to be without Mark when it was all he really knew. Seb wondered if Teddy ever cried for him when he had been away, or if he was used to that. A guilty part of him felt almost jealous of how attached to Mark Teddy was, but that wasn’t fair. Mark had given up racing this last year to devote all his time to their son. If he hadn’t done that then they couldn't have done what they needed to.

“We’ll always be here for you Liebling,” he promised. “But we can’t always both be here. We love you so much Teddy, but we work too, so that’s just how it is. Grown-ups have to go to work even when we’d like to stay home and play all day with you.”

Teddy stared at him and Seb knew he couldn't really understand so he lifted him higher and kissed his forehead. The little boy stood on his legs, looking at him as Seb wiped his cheeks dry.

“There now, that’s better,” reassured Sebastian. “We love you so much Teddy, so much. If we ever have to be away we can’t wait to get back to you. Daddy is rushing home tonight just to see you. He’ll be home before bedtime to give you a big kiss and a hug because he’ll have missed you so much.”

Teddy sniffed and Seb looked into those blue eyes.

“It must feel like a very long time to you I guess, but it’s just a day Liebling.”

Leaning in to kiss his son’s little snub nose, Seb gave him a smile to cheer him up.

“C’mon, let’s do something nice.”

He stood with him and went to look out of the window. When they had been for their walk earlier it had been cold but crisp. Now they sky had clouded over, but it was only half past three so it was still light out.

“I know. Why don’t you try on those new wellies Daddy bought you? Hm? We can go and have a play with the dogs in the garden. Take some balls and their toys out. Would you like that? Play with the dogs.”

“Doh!”

“Yeah thought so,” smiled Seb.

 

Ten minutes later Sebastian had Teddy in his snow-suit and wellies, Seb also wrapped up against the cold as he set his son down on the grass to join the dogs already running about with the soft football they were chasing. Teddy toddled forwards excitedly, toppling forwards almost immediately seeing as he wasn’t used to his feet feeling so clumpy and weighted by wellingtons. Seb picked him up and set him going again, glad he had thought to cover his hands with mittens to keep them dry when the lawn was still damp after all the frost from this morning. Teddy didn’t care about the weather. As soon as Shadow and Simba ran to him he was hugging into them, then as Seb helped him play a version of football with the dogs, the little boy seemed to have forgotten about missing Mark as he kicked the ball while Seb kept him upright, laughing and babbling away as the dogs took turns to nose it back to him.

They were all enjoying the games so much that Seb let Teddy totter about the garden with the dogs until the sky grew heavier, the grey of the clouds ever steelier as if it would surely rain.

“It’s getting very cold Teddybär. I think we should go in and have a nice warm drink.”

“Doh-doh.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Yes the doggies can come with us.”

He took one of Teddy’s hands to walk him back over the lawn, but Seb made the mistake of going too close to the little slide and Teddy tugged at his hand trying to go that way instead. Seb decided there was no point resisting, so he found some napkins in his coat pocket and dried it off to let his son play on it for a while. It felt strange to have to lift and slide his son without Mark there to catch him at the bottom.

It had felt odd earlier when Seb had walked the dogs on his own as well. No Mark there to hold his hand or to take one of the dogs leads, or help lift Teddy in and out of his carrier. Seb knew Mark must have done it on his own countless times and thought again how good Mark was at managing things without ever complaining. He supposed if it was a regular thing he would get used to it too, but Seb missed Mark being with him. As he swung Teddy up from another slide down, the dogs stood at the bottom for all the world as if supervising, Seb gave them a smile.

“Okay, inside now.”

He hitched Teddy up and walked decisively towards the kitchen door, giving Teddy no time to protest. As he opened the back door the dogs clattered inside and Seb followed them, shutting the cold out and giving Teddy a smile so he didn’t feel hard done by.

“Right, that was nice wasn’t it?”

He sat Teddy on the kitchen table and first peeled off his woolly hat before undoing his snowsuit, then remembered to tug his little red wellies off first. The little boy sat surprisingly still to allow his father to get his outside layers off and Seb looked in at him.

“Have you worn yourself out a little bit?”

Getting no reply Seb smiled and lifted him to sit in the high-chair so he could sort them all out with refreshments, the dogs getting their bowls filled as a thank you for playing so nicely with Teddy.

  


That done, Seb took Teddy back up to the nursery. It wasn’t dark yet, but rain was coming down and it felt dreary, so he put the main light on and let Teddy toddle about while he reached up to one of the higher shelves to get some paper and crayons down. Putting them on the little table Seb beckoned his son over and helped him to sit on a chair, tucking him in close to help prevent him falling off.

“Right Teddy shall we draw a nice picture?”

Seb was about to add ‘for daddy’, but he stopped himself just in time, not wanting Teddy to get upset at his absence again. The little boy patted at the pad of paper as his father opened out the pack of toddler crayons, offering one over for him to grasp in his chubby hand. He stayed knelt by him, trying to explain what he ought to do, but Teddy merely frowned, waving the crayon around.

“No Liebling on the paper,” prompted Sebastian.

He tore off a sheet of paper for himself and picked up a crayon, doing a quick sketch of a stick man.

“See, pretty colour on the paper. Can you do that Schatz?”

“Papa.”

“Oh is this me? Ah, very good. So you draw Teddy then,” Seb prompted.

Teddy bashed his blue crayon down at the paper and Seb smiled at him struggling. He put his hand over his son’s and started guiding it to draw squiggles. Letting go Seb pointedly looked at the paper and smiled.

“Well done Teddybär!”

He clapped his hands and Teddy tried to copy him, dropping the crayon on the carpet to do so. Seb nodded, then picked the crayon back up to pass to him.

“Now you try.”

 

His hand required guiding onto the paper again, but this time when Seb let go Teddy made a much better effort at drawing, rapidly scribbling back and forth over the paper. He went over the edges to draw on the wooden table too, but Seb didn’t want to put him off, so he made no rebuke. He’d just have to clean it later. Seb offered his son different colours, then once that sheet of paper was fairly comprehensively coloured, he pulled it off the pad to reveal a new plain white sheet underneath. Teddy however didn’t quite understand and at seeing his work removed let out a loud shriek and tried grabbing for it.

“No Teddy, I’m just putting it here so you can do a new one.”

The little boy let out some unconvinced noises and pouted, but Seb pointed at the new page and held a couple of crayons in the palm of his hand.

“What colour for your new piece of art? What do we think Teddy? Yellow, or pink, or green maybe?”

Teddy let out another grumble, then knocked at his father’s hand causing the crayons to fall on the table.

“Oh dear. Do you not want to draw any more?”

“Mmmm, Papa!” replied Teddy, his voice frustrated.

Sebastian shook his head, not knowing what his son was trying to tell him. He went to help him off the chair, but the moment he reached for him, Teddy squirmed away, so Seb sat back and looked at him.

“Fine, sit there and I’ll draw a picture instead.”

He selected a crayon and began doodling on his sheet, smiling as he saw his son watching him. After a few moments Teddy reached for one of the crayons lying on the table and roughly grabbed it so he could copy his father, scribbling away again. Sebastian nodded and gave him a smile.

“That’s it Liebling. Good boy.”

  


They amused themselves for a little while, Teddy creating three ‘works of art’ and beaming as Seb applauded his efforts, clapping himself for good measure. As his father stood to put them on the side out of the way he took his eyes off him for a moment, then as he looked back, gasped.

“No no, not food Teddy!”

Seb snatched away the crayon his small son was biting, looking at couple of teeth marks in the paper wrappings to be sure he couldn't have swallowed any of it.

“Oh dear. No Liebling you _mustn’t_ eat them. No biting.”

Teddy wasn’t impressed at having it taken away from him and let out an angry shout, Seb recoiling at how loud and piercing he managed to be. The little boy swiped out a hand to reach for another chunky crayon, but Seb swept them up, ignoring his son’s protests as he shoved them quickly back in the packet. Teddy stretched out his arm, but Seb shook his head.

“No I think that’s enough for one go.”

“Papa!”

“If you’re hungry we’ll go get you your dinner Liebling. Maybe that’s it?”

Teddy was still pouting and reached further over, beginning to slip from his seat. Seb put the crayons down to take hold of him, lifting Teddy off and over to sit on his knee instead.

“C’mon now Teddybär, be a good boy.”

The little boy let out some quieter murmurs, but thankfully avoided tears, so Seb turned him to so they could look at one another.

“I’m only trying to keep you safe Kleiner,” he explained, peering into his mouth to see if there was any colour from the crayon showing on his little white teeth.

Relieved to see there wasn’t, Seb managed to stand with him, ducking back in a little to pick up the pack of crayons so he could put them safely up out of reach. As he did so he scanned the labels to be reassured that they were non-toxic, just in case a fraction had gone in Teddy’s mouth. He knew he had checked before he bought them, but it felt better to just see the information stated again.

“Right, let’s put these out of the way, just in case.”

“Papa.”

“Mm, and get some proper din-dins for you so you don’t just eat random things the moment I’m not looking.”

He could swear he saw something of a smile on his son’s face and Seb sighed.

“Hmm. Think you know when you shouldn’t have done something don’t you?”

Seb shook his head and went to pick up the drawing Teddy had done to take down with them. As they reached the kitchen he put them on the table and set Teddy down to say hello to the dogs, then set his son in his high-chair so he could start sorting out his dinner. Once he had that cooking, Sebastian picked up the sheets of paper and used some of the magnets on the fridge to put them on display there.

“Look Kleiner. Here’s your pictures. I can think of two people who will be very excited to see these.”

  


Seb was just in the middle of feeding Teddy when his phone rang and he pulled it out to answer a call from Mark telling him he was already in the car on his way to the plane.

“So I should be home before seven.”

“Righto.”

“You busy?” checked Mark.

“I’m just giving Teddy his dinner.”

“Oh okay, I’ll let you go then.”

“Was the afternoon okay?” Seb enquired.

“Yeah fine.”

“Alright well we’ll see you soon, yeah?”

Mark had been about to suggest he say hello to their son, but he guessed that might not be the best idea if he was in the middle of eating. He’d see him soon enough anyway.

“Yep. Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling.”

 

 

As Mark ended the call and sat back he thought how Seb often joked he wished they could apparate to magically pop instantly from one place to another like they did in Harry Potter. Even with a relatively short journey home, Mark wished that were possible once more. It might not be his first wish if he found a magic lantern, but it was certainly up there.

It seemed to take longer to get home than the outward leg had that morning. Mark tried to distract himself on the flight by reading over all the notes he had taken through the day and re-scanned the print-outs he had been given even though they were ages away from their next meeting, never mind the start of the season.

The driver had informed him that there was black ice on the roads this evening so Mark couldn't ask him to go any faster, but he couldn't stop himself checking his watch, counting down how much time he had before Teddy would be asleep. There was still a bit of time spare so he could at least help put him to bed. Mark would be glad of that if nothing else.

As he reached the final stretch of his journey driving out into the countryside towards home, Mark reflected that it was as dark now as it had been when he had set out twelve hours earlier. He longed for spring to arrive with its lighter evenings, even if that did mean the start of the season and many more complications entering their life.

  


  


Sebastian sat on the lounge carpet with Teddy and the dogs, the fire lit against the cold and another Disney film playing on the television. It was quarter to seven so Seb had already changed Teddy into his night clothes, but he was holding off getting his milk in the expectation of Mark getting home in time to give it to him. He heard a faint noise in the distance growing louder and turned his head, Teddy turning as well. Seb smiled at his son copying him and listened for another moment to be sure it was now clearly that of a car coming up the lane. He lifted Teddy up from where he sat in his lap and went to the window, tweaking the closed curtains enough to see a car pulling onto the drive.

“It’s Daddy Teddy,” he smiled.

Teddy tried reaching for the curtains too, so Seb stepped away, looking over to the dogs who had also stood from where they had been lying before the fire.

“He’s back,” Seb informed them.

Both Shadow and Simba barked, making Seb laugh at how excited they all were. He went through into the hallway, trying not to trip over the dogs rushing with them.

 

Mark puffed a breath as he wearily hauled his bag onto his shoulder and thanked the driver before shutting the car door and making his way to the house. He fumbled for his key in his pocket by the light of the security lamp that flicked on and the headlights of the car now reversing off the drive, but before he could find them, the door swung open.

“Liebling you’re home!”

Mark smiled at the beaming smiles he was greeted with, accompanied by the dogs barking and fighting to get out to meet him.

“No you don’t boys, it’s freezing out here. In, _in_.”

He waved them back inside and stepped in, pulling the door shut behind him and dumping down his bag before leaning in to kiss Seb’s cheek. Far littler arms went around his neck and Mark took hold of Teddy, smiling and giving him a kiss too.

“Dada, Dada,” appealed Teddy, pressing his face into the crook of his father's neck.

Mark hugged him in and rubbed over his back.

“Yeah, I’m home now darling. Did you miss me?”

Teddy was murmuring into him, no intention of loosening his grip, so Mark looked to Sebastian instead.

“Was he okay?”

“Yeah. We missed you a bit, but we were okay. I’m glad you’re home Liebling.”

“Me too darling.”

They looked at one another for a moment, then Mark let out a sigh.

“Long day.”

“Yeah. Teddy come to me Schatz so Daddy can take his coat off at least.”

 

Mark tried to pass their son over, but Teddy was having none of it, clinging ever tighter, so Seb instead helped Mark take his coat off for him, hanging it up as Mark looked in at Teddy still buried into him.

“I think you’re tired buddy aren’t you?”

“Dada.”

“Yeah mate. I know how you feel.” He looked to Seb. “Sorry, icy out there so it took a bit longer.”

“That’s okay. Cup of tea?”

“Ooh now you’re talking.”

  


They went through to the kitchen, Seb making tea and warming Teddy’s night bottle at the same time while Mark sat with him at the table, the dogs fussing into his legs. Mark smiled, in no mood to complain about his family making a fuss of him. The feeling of stepping into a warm home to an even warmer embrace from his loved ones made everything else feel worthwhile. It certainly validated his decision to dash there and back in one day, even if they were greeting him as if he had been gone for a week.

“Look at the drawings Teddy’s done for you,” pointed out Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh at the brightly coloured scribbles fixed to the fridge so proudly. He smiled in at their son.

“That’s lovely Teddy. Thank you.”

“Dada,” began the little boy before babbling on incomprehensibly.

All Mark could do was nod and smile, thinking how nice it was his son was excited to try to tell him all about it, even if he had no clue what Teddy was saying.

“Yes, what a good boy you are. Maybe you’ll grow up to be an artist?”

Sebastian laughed and turned around at the counter to face them while the milk warmed.

“Mm, he also tried eating a crayon, but never mind.”

“Tut-tut,” smiled Mark, shaking his head to their son. “Papa not feeding you while I was away?”

“Hey I fed him,” Seb protested.

Mark chuckled and beckoned him over, getting Seb to lean down to where he sat so he could give him a kiss.

“You know I’m teasing darling.”

“Mm.”

“Was he being difficult then?”

“No not really. I just looked away for a second.”

“Ah well. He didn’t actually swallow any did he?”

“No I grabbed them away.”

“There we are then. No harm done. Don’t suppose if he did eat a bit it’d do too much harm anyway.”

“Not sure we want to test that theory.”

“Well no, but I’d guess it’d just come out the other end.”

“What a lovely thought.”

 

Mark chuckled again as Seb resumed making their drinks. He looked over at the pictures once more, then gave his son a wink.

“Reckon we could shift these on eBay as exclusive original modern art works. Have to get you doing a few more mate.”

He smiled down to Teddy who smiled back at him, though doubtless simply because he was pleased his father was home than any appreciation of his humour. Mark looked over to Seb busy trying to make a pot of tea and warming Teddy’s milk at the same time and only saw the back of his head shaking at the joke. Mark was pretty sure his husband was smiling too though.

  


Soon Mark was feeding Teddy his bottle at the same time as drinking his own tea, Seb sat beside him asking all about his day and how his colleagues were, laughing at the things Jenson said.

“It sounds like a good day,” Seb commented.

“Yeah not bad. Bit strange to be back and I missed you guys, but yeah, good.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“We got to see the new prototype car.”

“Cool. Did you sit in it?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Not really all that different, so we just looked.”

“Ah.”

“I did kinda want to though.”

“Well that’s good.”

“I guess it is.”

Mark took in a deeper breath and looked to Teddy drinking his milk, lying back in his arms looking up at him. He gave him a smile, wondering how he reconciled that desire to get back in the car to race and how much he had been longing to have this feeling too; his son safe in his arms; that comforting, warm little body breathing in and out, blue eyes gazing up at him, chubby little cheeks, soft blonde hair brushed neatly to the side. Mark noted that Teddy was dressed in his cosy onesie ready for bed and smiled over to his husband, knowing Seb took just as good care of their son as he did.

“I have missed you,” Mark admitted, then huffed a little laugh. “One day. Dear me.”

He let out a sigh and Seb reached to rub his hand.

“You’ll be okay Liebling. We’ll stay together as much as possible this year.”

“Yeah.”

“Did they say any more about testing dates and things?”

Mark spared a hand to rub through his hair.

“Print-out in my bag.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Well we can get the diaries out tomorrow, yeah?”

“Sure. I think we’ll be alright. With the changes I don’t think we’ll have the clashes we thought we would.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you hungry?” enquired Seb.

Mark smiled.

“I’ll have something after he’s gone down. Have you eaten?”

“No I thought I’d wait for you.”

“Ah, thank you sweetheart.”

“You must be tired.”

“Mm.”

“I’ll cook.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Thanks. Early night I think.”

“That’s fine by me.”

 

Once Teddy had finished his milk, Seb tried to take him, but Teddy was still refusing to be parted from Mark.

“Only want Daddy don’t you?” Seb smiled at Teddy hung around Mark’s neck again. He shook his head and looked to Mark. “He did miss you earlier.”

“Was he alright?”

“Yeah we went for a play outside and he cheered up.”

“Good.”

“Shall we go into the lounge?”

Mark nodded. Perhaps they ought to take Teddy straight up, but five minutes couldn't hurt. Walking into the lounge, Mark smiled to see the cartoon playing on the TV.

“Keeping busy were you?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“We were waiting for you to come home.”

Mark nodded. He knew normally they would have Teddy upstairs for a story in his nursery, but it wasn’t quite a normal day.

“Thank you.”

 

Sebastian automatically went to sit back down where they had been before, so Mark joined him on the floor, Teddy settling into his lap as the dogs took their place on the rug in front of the fire. As Seb leaned into his side Mark spared an arm to put around him, Seb resting his head on Mark’s shoulder before looking up to him.

“So today was okay then?”

“Yeah. Bit weird, but okay. Kinda good in a way to get back into it. Nice to see people.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I’m glad you were alright.”

Mark huffed a little laugh.

“Were you worrying for me?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“I just know it’s tricky. When I went back after I was off it felt strange to return to work.”

“Mm. Bit different though.”

“I know. It must have been harder for you, being away a whole year and with Teddy.”

Mark smiled.

“I actually meant it was harder for you darling. After what happened.”

“Oh.”  


Seb sat up to look at him and Mark smiled at them both assuming they had the easier situation.

“I guess it was easier cos everyone just acted normal,” Seb explained. “Almost like I’d never been away.”

“Business as usual,” agreed Mark. “Yeah, that’s basically how it was today. I don’t know if they consciously chose to be that way to help, or it’s just how they are. I guess they really just had to get on with things seeing as they were cramming a lot into one day.”

“I’m sure people wanted you to feel at home too.”

“Mm.” Mark frowned as something occurred to him. “Did you say something to Jenson?”

“No.”

Mark gave him a little sideways look, thinking now about how their friend had stuck by him so much throughout the day, joking and chatting to him whenever possible. That was just how Jenson was, but…

“Did you say something to Jess?” he guessed instead.

Sebastian bit his lip.

“No, not… Well… I did mention it would be a bit strange for you to be going back, that’s all,” he confessed.

Mark smiled and shook his head, but he couldn't be annoyed at Seb for looking out for him and in turn making sure somebody else did. Perhaps Jenson as a friend would have anyway, but a little nudge to remind him from his wife probably hadn’t gone amiss. He laughed and sighed after it.

“You don’t need to worry about me darling.”

“I just wanted you to be alright. I didn’t really say anything much. I didn’t say for him to do anything or...”

“Sweetheart it’s fine. I was a bit nervous. It was good to have a friend there.”

“I’m sure he would have made sure you were alright anyway.”

Mark nodded.

“I’m sure he would too.” He shook his head. “Fretting about me.”

“Not really. Just wanted you to have a good day Liebling. That’s all.”

Mark nodded.

“Well thank you. Not sure how I’ll feel the first time I have to spend the night away from you guys, but a day’s not too bad.”

“Mm. I’m lucky RedBull is just up the road.”

“You’ve had to go away though.”

“I don’t like it.”

“No.”

“But you kindof learn to cope. If I know it’s the best thing for Teddy and for you, then that makes me feel better and then coming home is really special.”

Mark smiled. He knew why Seb had kept Teddy down here with him waiting for his return.

“Well this is lovely sweetheart. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to get back, and to find you there waiting to welcome me back was perfect.”

 

Sebastian leaned in and gave Mark a kiss. Teddy had finally felt secure enough that his daddy wasn’t going away again if he let go of him and had crawled off his knee to sit by the dogs. Now as his parents looked, they saw how their son was leaning into Shadow’s side, his head resting onto his middle, arm over him as the dog calmly lay there, head tucked in to watch as if Mark and Seb would take their eyes off Teddy for him to need to take over minding the little boy.

“I think someone’s ready for sleepy-bobos,” observed Mark.

“Is that you too Liebling?” teased Seb.

Mark laughed and reached to scoop Teddy up.

“C’mon mate, let’s get those toothy-pegs cleaned and get you to bed.”

Teddy frowned as he was lifted away from his soft furry resting place, but as Mark held him in, he rested into his chest instead, little hand clutching at Mark’s hoody.

  


As they stood watching Teddy settle under his blankets in his cot, Mark put his arm around Seb.

“It was strange to be away from him today,” he admitted quietly.

“Yeah.”

“I think leaving was actually the hardest.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark gave him a little squeeze.

“Let’s go down then.” Mark gave Teddy a smile. “Night sweetheart. Just a nice normal day tomorrow.”

“Goodnight Schatz,” added Seb.

Teddy murmured a little, but his parents backed away, making sure the monitor and the night-light were on before turning out the lamp and leaving their son to sleep.

  


After eating they returned to the lounge, putting on another film, this time watching from the sofa. It was so warm in here with the fire lit and the film they chose did little to trouble Mark’s mind when he’d seen it often enough before. Within half an hour, like the dogs in front of the fire, Mark was fast asleep, his head slumped on Seb’s shoulder as he breathed slowly and steadily. Sebastian turned to look at him, knowing that this day had been a lot for Mark in many ways. He left it for a little while, then turned more into him, reaching to stroke over his arm.

“Liebling.”

“Mmm.”

Seb smiled at how dozy Mark sounded.

“Liebling let’s go to bed.”

Mark took in a deep breath and smoothing his cheek into Seb’s shoulder before lifting his head to look at him.

“Huh?”

“Bed Liebling. You need proper rest.”

“Oh.”

Mark slowly sat up, reorientating himself and rubbing over his face to wake himself enough to manage the stairs. He looked at his watch and huffed a laugh to see that it wasn’t yet nine pm. Definitely bedtime though. He’d made it through the day. It felt as if he had earned an early night. For sure.

  


 

  


The next day they took it fairly easy, enjoying being together as a family again. Typically seeing as Seb had insisted he should get up if Teddy woke during the night, the little boy didn’t let out more than a murmur until nearly half past six the next morning. Mark certainly wasn’t complaining though. He was more than happy to get a good night’s sleep and to spend most of the day just doing family activities.

Given how icy it was in the morning they shelved the idea of running to the coffee shop and instead swam in their pool, taking it in turns to do proper laps and to entertain their son, blowing up a few of the inflatables they had to amuse him. Then in the afternoon they finally braved the bitter air to walk the dogs, returning home to warm up with some of Seb’s hot chocolate, or in Teddy’s case, warm milk. They sat in the lounge with the fire lit, sitting on the floor closer to the source of heat trying to get the chill out of their bones.

“I swear it’s going dark out there,” complained Mark.

Sebastian glanced over to the window. It had felt grey and somewhat oppressive on their walk, not a day to linger at the top of the hill.

“It’s only a quarter to four.”

“Mm. Ah well.”

Seb turned to see if Teddy had finished his milk and gave a little shiver as he did so.

“You still cold?” enquired Mark.

“Bit.”

“Hang on.”

Mark sprang up to grab the blanket from the sofa and came back to sit with Seb, pulling the blanket to sit around their shoulders. Teddy who had been sat nearer to the dogs, pouted then dumped down his sippy-cup and tottered the couple of steps to reach his parents. As Mark reached to move the cup so it wouldn't get knocked over, Seb helped Teddy onto his knee and pulled the blanket round him too. Mark smiled as he sat back into Seb, looking down to their son.

“Were we leaving you out sweetheart? That won’t do will it?”

Teddy looked at him, then tried reaching for the blanket on his side, so Mark wrapped it all the way round so all three of them were enveloped. He angled his head to look at his son, smiling at how content he looked.

“Is this nice darling? Having a cosy snuggle with Papa and Daddy.”

Seb kissed the top of Teddy’s head and the little boy looked up at him, burbling something that neither of his parents could really follow, though it sounded happy enough. Then he poked a hand out from the fold of the blanket and pointed at Shadow and Simba.

“Doh. Papa Dada. Doh, doh!”

Sebastian chuckled and looked to Mark.

“I think he means we should be including all the family Liebling.”

“Ah.” Mark huffed a laugh and looked to Teddy. “I think we’d need a bigger blanket mate.”

“Doh!” insisted Teddy.

Mark shook his head and looked to the dogs.

“Boys come a bit closer. Teddy’s missing you.”

Shadow turned his head from where he comfortably lay into Simba and looked to Mark indicating over to them.

“Come sit with us. C’mon.”

Shadow pushed himself to stand and Simba copied him, the pair padding the couple of feet closer to lie in front of the family group. Mark gave them a stroke and Teddy copied him, leaning forwards from where he sat on Seb’s knee.

“Is that what you wanted Teddybär?” Sebastian asked.

Teddy was too busy pawing at the dogs to answer, which told him he was correct anyway.

  


Eventually they all warmed up enough and Teddy climbed off Seb’s knee to persuade the dogs to play a little more actively with him. His parents were content enough to watch him, making sure Teddy didn’t go too close to the fireplace or get too rough with the dogs. Teddy was wearing the little knitted jumper his grandmother had given him from Christmas over the top of his jersey top and bottoms, tiny soft booties on his feet to keep them warm too. Seb watched him bumbling around, using the far sofa now to help himself walk over. Then he spotted where he was heading and laughed as the little boy banged his hands down on the lid of the toy box tucked away by the wall there.

“You know what that is don’t you?”

“Papa!”

“Yeah coming.”

 

Sebastian unfolded the blanket from around him and stood, dragging the plastic tub in a bit before taking the lid off so Teddy could help himself to whatever toys he wanted to play with. Mark came over too and sat with him, seeing what the little boy chose. Looking over Seb saw the blanket now abandoned on the carpet and went to pick it up before the dogs decided to lie on it and get dog hairs on it. He folded it up and went to put it back on the sofa, smiling to see Mark showing Teddy how to push his toy race cars around. He put the blanket down and glanced towards the window, thinking it really was getting dark now.

Going over to see if he should close the curtains, Sebastian looked outside, then let out a gasp. Mark heard it and looked up and frowned, about to ask what the matter was when Seb turned around.

“Liebling it’s snowing!”

Mark huffed a laugh at the delighted smile on his husband's face.

“Really?”

“Yes really snowing. Come and look.”

 

Mark stood, lifting Teddy to go over with him. He stood beside Seb by the window as they all looked out to see that sure enough there were thick flakes of snow falling on the drive. The front of the Land Rover parked by the garage already had a dusting covering its windscreen and the bit of lawn over to the right of the drive had a thin coating of white on the grass.

“Wow, it really is,” he agreed.

Mark turned to Seb, seeing how happily he was watching it come down, then smiled in at Teddy.

“Papa likes snow darling.”

“Do you think it’ll stick this time?” wondered Seb finally dragging his eyes from the view.

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Dunno sweetheart. Maybe.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I suppose it’s not that heavy. Depends how long it keeps going I guess.”

Mark smiled, knowing that Seb was musing to himself mostly.

“We’ll just have to see,” he offered.

Seb nodded again, not wanting to get his hopes up.

“It just looks pretty.”

“Yeah.” Mark leaned in to kiss his cheek, knowing how much Seb would love it if the snow really did properly settle. “It does.”

 

They stood for a couple of minutes watching the snow fall, then Teddy started getting restless, so Mark took him back to carry on playing while Seb decided it really was getting dark now and went round putting the lamps on before finally closing the curtains, taking one last look at the snow before he did. There might be an inch settled on the grass now he guessed. If it froze overnight maybe it would still be there in the morning. Maybe. He wasn’t going to get his hopes up too much.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my head it's totally winter now...


	251. Under A Blanket

* * *

  


 

 

The next morning they were woken as usual by Teddy calling for them via the monitor. Seeing as Seb had been covering any night and early morning duties over the past few days, Mark asserted it was his turn to see if he needed changing, then bring him through. Sebastian got out of bed as well though, pulling on his pyjamas and dressing gown as Mark did, shivering at the cold air despite the heating having come on. Mark had already found his slippers and gone to fetch Teddy but as Seb found his own over to the side, he was drawn to the window. 

He paused before he put his hand on the curtain, already telling himself not to be disappointed if the snow had gone overnight. Pulling his fluffy dressing gown tighter round his pyjamas, he drew one curtain partially to the side, peering out to the still dark sight of their back garden.

 

The gasp he let out was far louder than the day before. Seb stared out in amazement. At not yet half past six they were a way off dawn, but there was just enough light to see that the garden was definitely painted  a sea of white. 

“Oh my god!”

Sebastian actually clapped his hands with joy. It looked amazing. He couldn't tell yet how deep it was, but the snow had definitely stuck, maybe even more added. He pulled the other curtain open and bounced a little on his toes, only pausing when he heard a chuckle in the background. Turning, Seb saw Mark holding Teddy, still laughing at him.

“Oh my word darling. How happy are you?”

The smile on Seb’s face was too endearing for Mark to tease him  too much, so he came over and gave him a kiss, Seb kissing him back, then kissing Teddy’s cheek as well.

“It’s stuck,” Seb informed them. “The snow. I think it’s even snowed a bit more. It’s hard to tell, but it looks good out there.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“We had a sneaky peek out of the nursery window, didn’t we Teddy? We thought Papa might be pleased.”

“Do you think it’s deep enough to sledge on?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Dunno. Guess we can find out when it gets light. Enough to play in for sure.”

Sebastian beamed and looked in at Teddy.

“We can have a play in the snow Schatz. Maybe make a little snowman.”

“I’m sure we’ll manage that,” agreed Mark, already thinking he would make sure of it, even if it required shovelling snow from the front garden round to the back to give them enough. 

“Spose that means we’re not gonna go to baby and toddler group this afternoon,” he noted.

“Oh,” realised Seb. “Um, do you think it matters?”

“Nah. Don’t suppose there'll be many there today. They might even cancel.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We can always go next week.”

“Course we can,” agreed Mark. “Might as well make the most of the snow while we’ve got it.”

“The drive there might be tricky anyway.”

Mark nodded. He thought with the Land Rover they could fairly easily make it if need be, but there was no point trekking out to the village in conditions like this if they didn’t really need to. Teddy would undoubtedly be quite happy with this new experience to enjoy without seeing his little pals for a week.

 

They both looked out for a moment, trying to judge how much snow there really was, but from up here with this little light you really couldn't accurately judge it. Mark huffed a laugh as he took in the sight of Teddy’s play equipment in the garden.

“Don’t think you’ll be playing on your slide today kiddo, but don’t spose you’ll mind.”

“He’ll love playing in the snow,” asserted Seb.

“I’ve no doubt,” Mark agreed. “Right, better go get his milk. You fancy a cup of tea darling?”

“Oh um, should be me going.”

“Nah s’alright. Tea then?”

“Yes please Liebling.”

“Righto.”

As he left, Seb pulled his dressing-gown around Teddy whilst he looked out for another minute, then decided they would be better cosied up in bed.  


  


By the time they decided to get up properly it was light outside. Going to the window once more, Mark smiled as Seb’s eyes lit up at the sight as they drew the curtains wide open.

“Oh gosh it looks quite deep.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah.” He smiled to Teddy in his arms. “Have to check it out won’t we buddy? Make sure we don’t lose you in a snowdrift.”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Not quite that bad I don’t think.”

“No.”

“Few inches though maybe.”

“Enough to get the sledge out for.” The smile on Seb’s face broadened and Mark could only laugh. “Plenty to have fun with. Right, I’d better send Pauline a message.”

“Oh yes,” realised Seb. “Tell her she doesn’t need to come this morning. The roads might be dangerous.”

Mark nodded.

“My thoughts exactly. Think we can live without being tidied up after for a day or so.”

 

He handed Teddy over to Seb and went to get his phone to text Pauline and a couple of minutes later as they now stood in the nursery dressing Teddy in his warmest clothes, he shook his head a t the reply.

“What did she say?” asked Seb.

“She says it’s no trouble.”

Sebastian tsk’d.

“Tell her she’s not to risk it. They won’t clear the lanes round here. They’ll be too dangerous in her little car.”

“Mm.” 

Mark looked back at his phone, then sent another message.

MARK: It’s pretty deep by us, please don’t risk it. Seb will be worrying if you do (& so will I). We’re only going to have a play out so we won’t mess up your nice kitchen. Stay in & have cup of tea.

Getting one in reply he held the phone to show Seb.

PAULINE: If you say so. I wouldn't want Seb (or you) worrying. Hopefully it’ll clear up later.

Mark gave Seb a wink.

“Not quite what we’re hoping for eh sweetheart?”

Sebastian finished buttoning Teddy’s knitted cardigan and lifted him up.

“At least to give us time to get out there.”

He went to look outside, peering up at the grey sky above.

“Still looks cold to me,” he declared.

Mark huffed a laugh thinking snow was generally considered cold, but he knew Seb meant that seeing as there was no sunshine, it wasn’t likely to melt right away.

  


They went down to get breakfast. As Seb sorted theirs out Mark made Teddy his porridge, cutting up some little banana pieces to stir into it. Then as they put things onto the table, Mark turned back to get Teddy some milk for his cup and looked out.

“Huh, coming down again.”

Sebastian looked up from making tea.

“Is it? Oh gosh, yes.”

They stood looking out of the kitchen window, observing the fresh flurry of snow falling. Sebastian went to the back door to open it so he could see better, standing there  just inside the doorway, staring at the now thick flakes falling so heavily you couldn't see the end of the garden. It was almost blizzard-like, certainly not something you wanted to go out into.

“Sweetheart it’s cold,” cautioned Mark.

“Sorry.”

Sebastian looked back to Teddy sat in his high-chair and quickly shut the back door.

“It’s really coming down. I don’t think we can play in that.”

“No, well…” Mark glanced outside again, then passed Seb his mug of tea. “No rush. We’ll wait until it clears and play later, yeah?”

“Course.” Sebastian checked they had everything and sat down, smiling to Teddy beside him. “No problem Teddybär. We don’t want to go out too early anyway.”

He passed Teddy his cup of milk and felt the side of his bowl to check the porridge wasn’t too hot  and stirred it before scooping up a  small spoonful to feed him, hoping that if Teddy chose to take over that the bib his was  wearing wouldn't require them changing him when they had only just put their son in clothes to play out in.

  


  


It took until mid-morning for the snow to stop, by which time Teddy had tired of playing inside and Mark had taken him up for his nap. With them gone Seb went back into the kitchen and reopened the back door to look out. The sky was lighter now and Sebastian hoped that meant it had dumped its weight of snow and now they would be granted a spell when it might be okay to go out.

He looked to their wellies lined up to the side of the door going down in size, and on an impulse stuck his feet in his pair sat in the middle before stepping outside, going out to the lawn to see how deep the snow was now. Though it looked like there was a lot, the snow only came just over his feet, perhaps six inches up. All the bushes and trees around the edge of the garden looked like they had been covered in icing so Seb walked further over to look at them.

“Seb what are you doing?”

Sebastian turned around as he heard Mark voice calling, seeing him stood in the kitchen doorway. He strode back over.

“I was just checking it out.”

Mark shook his head as Seb approached him.

“Daft sod, you’ve not got a coat on. You’ll catch your death.”

Sebastian smiled at him fussing, but it  _was_ pretty cold, so he came back inside, pulling his welly-boots off and putting them back by the  kitchen wall. Mark huffed out a sigh.

“Honestly.”

Shrugging Seb put his slippers back on and looked to him.

“I was just investigating.”

“Mm.” Mark shook his head. “Couldn’t resist huh?”

Sebastian shrugged again, making Mark laugh. He rubbed over Seb’s arms to warm him up.

“I just wanted to see how deep it was,” explained Seb.

“Uh-huh, so what’s the report?”

“Over my feet, but not like over the top of my wellies or anything.”

“Good. Well we can wrap up properly later when Teddy wakes up.”

“Did he go down okay?”

“Yeah fine.”

 

Sebastian nodded then looked at his watch and Mark laughed at how impatient he was.

“You want to go out now?” He looked back to the dogs who were sheltering in their baskets, not keen on the cold air that had come through the back door. “We could let the boys have a run around.”

“Um, no.” Seb gave him a half smile. “I know it sounds silly Liebling, but I don’t want it spoiled before Teddy goes out.”

Mark smiled and put his forehead to Seb’s before kissing him.

“You’re just too cute sweetheart.”

Seb rolled his eyes, but Mark was still smiling so he merely pulled a face in reply before going to boil the kettle.

“Tea?”

“Yeah why not,” agreed Mark.

A minute later they sat down with their drinks, petting the dogs as they came to join them.

“Tell you what sweetheart, after this why don’t we go dig out our snow stuff, get our ski-gear on so we can have a proper muck about out there.”

“And the sledge from the garage,” added Seb.

“Gotta have the sledge,” Mark smiled.

Sebastian smiled back. He really couldn't wait, but keeping busy was good.

  


  


Within half an hour Seb and Mark were changing into the ski-wear they had stored away, right the way down to thermal long-johns to go underneath the salopettes that ought to keep them both warm and dry in the show. Seb had Teddy’s snow-suit laid out ready for when he woke up, but for now he was still napping, so he went to the garage to fetch the plastic sledge Seb had bought right after Christmas.

“I knew it’d come in useful,” commented Seb as he deposited it ready by the back door.

Mark smiled and nodded. He thought ‘hoped’ was more accurate, but Mark was just as pleased as Seb was that they would be able to use it today.

  


Soon enough Teddy was awake and they were busy adding all their outside layers, putting on hats and gloves and fitting feet into wellies ready to go outside. Mark smiled to see Seb crouched beside Teddy in the kitchen, the little boy trying to stamp his feet in those little red wellies while Seb put his woolly hat on and folded his snowsuit mittens over the top of the fleece ones he’d put on him. He had picked a hat with a big bobble on top and Mark had to admit their son did look cute dressed up like this. He already had his phone tucked into an inside pocket of his padded jacket, ready to snap some pictures of them in the snow which he knew he family would love to see.

The step down from the kitchen to the garden was a bit much for Teddy to navigate, so Mark picked him up to carry him outside while Seb brought the sledge. As Seb put that down on the snow Mark checked Teddy was properly covered up, then set him down, watching carefully to see that the snow didn’t go over the top of their son’s wellies. It was a close call, but as Teddy’s feet sank into the softly fallen snow there was just enough of a gap to ensure his feet shouldn’t get wet. 

His parents smiled as Teddy frowned at the strange sensation, Mark keeping hold of him to prevent the little boy toppling over as he tried to move his feet.

“Gonna be a bit tricky sweetheart,” Mark warned him.

Seb came to take Teddy’s other hand and he tried to take a step, but it was too much effort to drag his wellied foot out of the snow and raise it high enough to put it down again, so they lifted him up between them, swinging Teddy to make jumps through the snow. The little boy started laughing and squealing each time they did it, looking up to his parents and babbling with excitement. As they paused Mark ducked down with him.

“Gah, gabah Dada!” exclaimed Teddy, making his father smile.

“What’s that darling? Is it good? Hm? You’re liking this aren’t you kiddo.”

 

Seb crouched on his other side, scooping up some loose powder snow in his glove to show Teddy.

“Look Teddybär, this is snow.”

Mark moved their son’s hand so Seb could put the little pile in his mittened palm. Teddy stared at it, then shook his hand, laughing as it fell to the ground. Mark wasn’t sure what that meant, so he let Seb hang onto him while he made a small snowball, offering Teddy that instead.

“Now, this is a snowball. When you’re bigger I think we can have lots of fun playing with these.”

Teddy jigged his hand to drop that too, then looked disappointed it was gone, so Mark picked it back up and returned it to his hand, holding his own hand underneath. This time Teddy looked at it more curiously, then dipped in his head, sticking out his tongue to lick it.

“Ooh, no Teddy, not food,” warned Seb.

Mark moved his hand to make the snowball fall and Teddy pouted, his little face crumpling.

“Oh dear. Right, new game,” decided Mark as he swept him up to distract him.

“Let’s have a go with the sledge,” Sebastian proposed.

“Sure. Now mate, _this_ you are going to love,” insisted Mark.

 

As he jigged Teddy up to entertain him, Seb grabbed the sledge and towed it over.

“Do you think we need to put a cushion in for him?” he wondered.

“Nah it’ll only get wet.”

“Oh I spose.”

“Here we are mate. Papa bought this for you. Sit here.”

Mark sat Teddy in the plastic scoop seat, trying to show him where to hold on at the sides. He sat him right to the back, Seb on the other side looking to see if he looked secure, though if he fell out he had to concede that it would only be into soft snow at the same height. Mark stood and took hold of the tow rope at the front.

“Ready?” he checked.

Sebastian nodded, keeping low with Teddy, thinking he could make sure he was alright this way. Mark nodded back, then gave Teddy a smile.

“Right mate, hold on tight. Here we go.”

He pulled very gently on the rope, towing the sledge forwards just a few inches. Teddy looked from side to side, then as Mark moved forwards a little more, the little boy began rolling over before trying to crawl out. Mark stopped as Seb sat him up again.

 

“Oh. Maybe he doesn’t like it?” frowned Seb as Teddy put his arms up to be lifted up.

“It’s just new. You sit in with him.”

Sebastian laughed.

“And you pull us?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Not quite decrepit yet darling.”

“No I meant… Okay, well, as long as I’m not too heavy.”

“Nah it’ll be fine. Go on, then you can hang onto him.”

Sebastian climbed into the sledge, sitting down with his son on his lap and wrapping his arms around him. The sledge scoop was just long enough that if he bent his knees up slightly he could fit his legs inside it so they could slide along. Once Mark had checked they were ready he started trying to pull them across the snow. It was a good deal harder with Seb onboard at first, but once he got going the sledge found its groove, slipping easily across the snowy surface and only sticking when Mark tried to turn them around at the end. Sebastian moved his legs to use his feet to help turn them, then they set off in the other direction, Mark getting faster as their confidence grew.

 

As they reached the other side of the lawn Mark heard giggling as he stopped to puff for breath and he turned around to see that both Teddy and Seb were laughing.

“Rotters,” he grinned as he ducked down by them. “Is that funny Teddy? Is it? Daddy slaving away pulling you guys.”

Sebastian laughed again as Mark pulled a face to tease them. He stretched over to give him a kiss, then smiled in at Teddy.

“Isn’t Daddy good Teddybär?”

“Dada!”

“Yeah mate,” smiled Mark. “It’s fun isn’t it?”

“Less fun for you Liebling,” sympathised Seb. “Do you want to swap?”

“Nah I’m good. In a few minutes maybe?”

“Okay.”

“Right, let’s go again,” decided Mark as he stood back up.

 

They turned, Seb helping again before repositioning himself and making sure he had secure hold of Teddy as Mark looked back to them.

“You good?”

“We’re good,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Okay, let’s see how fast we can go this time. Fasten your seatbelts.”

Sebastian laughed and gave Teddy a gentle squeeze with his arms wrapped around him.

“Seatbelts tightened.”

“Off we go!”

Mark took hold of the rope with both hands behind him and leaned his weight forward to build up speed, sparing a glance now and then to see Seb and Teddy laughing and calling encouragement. As they reached the far side and they stopped again, Mark turned to see the pair of them applauding him with claps muffled by gloves and mittens.

“Woohoo!” cried Seb. “Isn’t Daddy brilliant Teddy?”

“Ha, oof.” Mark crouched down and puffed a breath. “Got pretty fast there Teddy. Was it too fast?”

“No he loved it,” assured Seb. “Didn’t you Teddy? You liked going fast.”

Mark nodded, pretty sure their son enjoyed it most because he felt safely held by his father.

“Papa did a good job holding you.” He chubbed Teddy’s pink cheek, then looked to Seb. “Was he alright?”

“Yeah he sat really still. Think he knows now.”

“Gotcha. One more go?”

“Oh no Liebling. Your turn. Here.”

 

Sebastian passed up Teddy and they swapped roles, Mark cramming himself into the sledge with a little more difficulty than Seb had with his longer legs. Once they were all ready Seb took the same position as Mark had done before setting off, finding as Mark had done, that it was slightly harder to get going pulling the sledge, but fine once you had some momentum. After a few runs Seb got them going faster, then got a fraction too fast, accidentally tripping over his own feet which were already clumsier seeing as he was wearing wellingtons. He tumbled forwards face-first into the snow, Mark quickly sticking his heels in over the sides of the sledge to bring it to a halt.

“Are you okay?”

Seb was already picking himself up, kneeling in the snow as he turned to them.

“Sorry.”

Mark laughed.

“Oh no darling, are you alright?”

“I’m okay. Just tripped.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian walked on his knees to sit by them, and Mark smiled, reaching to dust some snow off his nose.

“Poor Papa fell over Teddy.”

“Papa,” echoed Teddy looking concerned.

“I’m okay.”

“You sure?” checked Mark.

“Yep.”

“Okay. That’s alright then.”

Sebastian sighed out a breath, then laughed.

“Oh dear. Good job it’s a soft landing.”

Mark nodded, then let go of Teddy with one hand to rub Seb’s arm.

“Went for a proper burton there.”

Seb laughed.

“I have no idea what that means.”

“Me either really. Ah well. Right Teddy I think we should have a go at making a snowman. What do you think?”

  


They took it in turns to work on gathering up snow, rolling an ever growing ball of compacted snow around the edge of the garden, the other parent entertaining Teddy by helping him manoeuvre through it, or make little piles of snow that they could add. Soon Seb was rolling a snowball a couple of feet high to what he judged was a good position where they would be able to see it from the kitchen. Mark brought Teddy to help by patting snow into its base to keep it in position while Seb went to make the head piece, Mark helping him lift it into place and packing more snow around where the it met the lower bit.

Where they had rolled the giant snowballs the snow had been compacted flat, so Teddy could walk about, doing so happily as his parents took turns looking for sticks and leaves to make arms and eyes and a mouth. As Seb poked some twigs into the face to make a smile, Mark took a photo of him working, Teddy stood to the side watching what he was doing before patting the side of the snowman’s face. As he tucked his phone away again Mark huffed a laugh.

“Are you helping Papa Teddy?”

“We need a hat,” asserted Seb.

“Are you volunteering yours?”

“Um.”

“I was kidding. We’ll find one later inside.”

“Oh, okay.”

 

He looked to where Teddy had now sat beside the snowman, alternating patting its side as he had seen his parents do and making his own tiny pile of snow and patting that with his mittened hands.

“You’re gonna get a cold bum sat there sunshine,” warned Mark, picking him up to brush off the snow from his behind. 

Teddy wiggled about in his arms, kicking his legs and shouting to be set down again, so Mark put him down, Teddy immediately setting off toddling about on the flatter snow before reaching an untouched area and tripping up in the deeper snow just as Seb had, face-planting into the powdery snow.

“Oh dear.” 

Sebastian quickly scooped him up, Mark with him as they brushed Teddy down, trying to give him smiles to keep things light. His little face screwed up though and Teddy started crying, not comforted by Seb rubbing over his back and Mark finding a tissue in his pocket to dry his face.

“You’re okay mate, it’s just snow.”

“He’s not hurt is he?” worried Seb.

“It’s just shock at falling and the cold.” Mark sighed as Teddy pressed into Seb. “You’re alright mate, you’re alright.”

“Pah-pah, Papa,” wailed Teddy as he clutched into him.

Seb hugged him in.

“It’s okay. Not fun falling in the cold is it Kleiner?”

“You wanna go inside?”

Sebastian took a deep breath and looked at Teddy, then nodded.

“I think for a bit, yeah. Make sure he’s okay and warmed up.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave Teddy a smile and stroked his cheeks. They were a little cold and both his cheeks and nose were glowing pink, though he was pretty sure with all his layers that their son was kept perfectly warm.

 

They took him inside, Seb sitting Teddy on the kitchen table as he and Mark took his outer layers off before taking turns to do so for themselves. Teddy cheered up as Sebastian crouched on the floor with him by the dogs, Shadow and Simba fussing over the little boy, distracting him from being upset. Mark set about making them warm drinks and getting them some snacks and soon they had transferred to the lounge. They snuggled up together on the sofa, pulling the blanket over their legs as Teddy sat on Mark’s knee, holding his cup with both hands to drink as his parents sipped their tea. 

Mark looked to see that their son seemed content, then smiled to Seb.

“We can have another play out later maybe.”

Sebastian nodded and looked down to Teddy.

“Just new for you isn’t it Kleiner?”

Big blue eyes looked up to him, then Teddy went back to drinking his milk. Both parents smiled and Mark shook his head.

“Forgotten it already I reckon.”

“Mm, probably. He liked the sledging and making the snowman.”

“Course he did.”

Seb nodded.

“I think if we have lunch and leave it until after his nap so he has more energy.”

“Sure.”

Sebastian leaned a little more into Mark, then huffed a laugh thinking about they way they were only now wearing their skiing long-johns.

“I feel like we’re in our race underwear.”

“Ha, feels familiar for sure.”

“For sure,” teased Seb.

  


  


By the time they ventured out into the snow again later in the afternoon the sky had cleared somewhat, but it was still far too cold for the snow to melt. While Teddy had been napping Seb and Mark had dug through the outdoor clothing stashed under the stairs to find an old hat and scarf. When they went outside they helped Teddy put them on the snowman and added a wonky carrot from the bottom of the fridge to make a nose.

“Now that looks better doesn’t it Teddy?” prompted Mark. 

Teddy patted at the side of the snowman once more, then clapped his mittened hands making his parents laugh.

“We need to take a picture,” decided Seb, getting out his phone this time to get a couple of Teddy with the snowman and with Mark.

He came over to show Mark, Teddy reaching to try to grab the phone so he could see too. Seb nearly dropped it as a result so he quickly stowed it away in a pocket.

“Shall we have another go with the sledge?” he suggested.

Mark smiled.

“Is that you volunteering to pull it?”

“Sure.”

“Righto.” Mark looked to Teddy who he was crouched next to. “Papa’s gonna tow us on the sled mate, shall we get in?”

  


They began playing again, aiming for areas of the garden where they hadn’t already made tracks in the snow. Seb and Mark took a few turns each doing the hard work, then as Mark remembered that they hadn’t taken the dogs out today he went back to the kitchen door and encouraged them to come out. Shadow and Simba padded cautiously into the snow, sniffing at it to investigate what this strange substance was. Then as their confidence grew they began bounding about, seeking out the deeper piles of snow to send powdery showers in their wake.

Teddy found this all highly amusing, trying to go with them though he was nowhere near as nimble as his canine friends. Seb and Mark helped him to toddle about with them, keeping a hold of his hands lest the dogs run too close and bowl him over to give him another cold shock.

As they got close to where they had abandoned the sledge Teddy pulled at Mark’s hand.

“Are you wanting another go mate?”

“Dada!”

“I think that’s a yes,” noted Seb.

“Mm. Right, whose turn is it?”

Seeing as neither could remember they did paper, scissors, stone to decide, then resumed their sledging. The dogs ran up and down alongside them, occasionally getting in the way and nearly tripping up whoever was towing the sledge. Mark shook his head as they almost tangled into the rope as he turned the sledge around.

“Mind yourselves boys,” he tsk’d, shooing them out of the way. “What we need is huskies, then we could all sit in and be pulled along.”

Sebastian smiled up, liking the idea of them all piled in together, though he suspected they would need a bigger sled.

“I’m sure Shadow and Simba could do it if we trained them.”

“Ha, I’m not sure that would end well,” laughed Mark as the pair ran about in criss-cross directions in front of them.

“Maybe not.”

“Go on, over that way,” pointed Mark.

The dogs ran away giving him a clear run to pull the sledge himself again and they set off. Teddy loved this activity so much that his parents did endless runs back and forth across the snowy garden, swapping as they got worn out.

“Who needs the gym eh Liebling?” smiled Seb as he took over as Mark huffed a breath.

“Ha, indeed.” Mark looked down to Teddy sat in the sledge waiting to be ferried about. “Alright for you sunshine isn’t it?”

Teddy ignored his father in favour of trailing his mitten into some soft snow beside the sledge so Mark gave Seb a kiss on his pink cheek.

“Back to the grindstone.”

  


They were so busy either enjoying being towed around or tugging the sledge about that neither of them noticed that the sky had clouded back over until a few fresh snowflakes began to fall. Seb felt one land on his face as he was busy trying to turn the sledge and looked up to see more coming down. He turned to Mark who was just noticing the same thing.

“I think it might be about to come down again,” Sebastian observed. 

Mark looked upwards, several more snowflakes now falling on his face. Teddy copied him and Mark smiled at the way he frowned at feeling the little cold dots land on him.

“Yeah think you’re right darling.”

Seb reached to take Teddy so Mark could stand more easily and Mark whistled for the dogs, pointing to the house before grabbing up the sledge for them to go inside.

 

As they stamped snow off their wellies Mark looked out of the window.

“Blimey it really is coming in now,” he noted. 

Sebastian was busy sitting Teddy on the table to sort him out now so he kept a hand on him as he turned his head to see the flurry of snow blurring the window.

“Think that’s it for the day then.”

“Yep.”

“Ah well.” Seb looked back to Teddy and pulled off his woolly hat, smiling at how their son’s blonde hair all stuck up on end as a consequence. “Oops.” He brushed it flat with his hand. “Never mind Schatz, I think we had plenty of fun didn’t we?”

Teddy looked at him and waggled his feet, pointing down at his wellies. Mark huffed a laugh and shook his head.

“No slacking Papa.”

Sebastian pulled the wellies off and handed them to Mark to put away, Mark adding them to his own near the door. He sighed a little at the trail of wet footprints the dogs had left as they had pattered through to reach their baskets, then shrugged, deciding that he could worry about that later. He took off his hat and coat and came to help with Teddy. All hands on deck and then they could have a nice warm up again. Mark smiled to himself thinking that part was almost as much fun as playing in the snow to begin with.

  


  


Seeing as the snowfall in the late afternoon had been followed by more snow overnight, Seb was pleased to see that the garden looked just as white when they got up the next day. Indeed the fresh snow had covered where they had played the day before, hiding all the footprints and sledge tracks they had made previously. As he stood surveying it from the kitchen window Mark leaned in as he held Teddy, giving Seb a kiss on the cheek.

“Up to muster?” he smiled.

“Huh?”

“The garden look alright to you?”

“Oh, yeah.” Seb smiled to Teddy. “Can you see our snowman Teddybär?”

Mark huffed a laugh as he looked out at it, then back at Teddy.

“Needs a bit of snow dusting off his hat doesn’t he mate?”

Seb laughed as well, then turned away from the window to look at them properly.

“Right, what shall we have for breakfast then?”

Mark hitched Teddy up.

“Ooh what shall it be Teddy? Shall we have a treat and have beans on toast? Yummy yummy.”

“Yabyab,” replied Teddy.

“Ha, guess that’s a vote of approval.”

“Righto,” nodded Seb, opening cupboards to get started.

  


They were still sat finishing their breakfast when the dogs sat up from where they had been scarfing fallen beans from Teddy’s bowl, ears pricking before Seb or Mark heard anything, then scampering towards the door moments before the humans’ ears detected the sound of the front door opening.

Seb and Mark frowned at one another, then seeing as Mark was just finishing up helping Teddy feed himself, Seb stood and went to look into the hall.

“Pauline!” 

Pauline smiled as she pulled off boats.

“Hello dear. Gosh it’s nippy out there this morning.”

Sebastian stepped into the hallway, taking her coat to hang up for her.

“What are you doing here?”

Pauline laughed.

“Don’t I usually come on a Friday?”

“Well yes but, ah heck we didn’t text you did we?” Seb turned his head and called through. “Mark!”

“Yeah.”

Pauline shook her head and they walked through into the kitchen with him.

“Pauline’s here,” stated Sebastian.

Mark laughed seeing she was stood right next to him.

“Yes I gathered. Hi Pauline.”

“Hello dear. Should I not be here?”

“Oh no we always want you here,” rushed Seb not wanting to offend her. “It’s just with the snow. We assumed you wouldn't come. I mean I thought same as yesterday applied.”

“I see. Well, can’t let a bit of snow stop us, can we?”

“Have they cleared the lane?” enquired Mark.

“Not over this way.”

“Your car managed it alright then?”

“Oh no I walked.”

 

Both Seb and Mark stared at her. It might only be a few minutes drive normally, but walking, especially in the snow, was another matter.

“You walked?” 

“ _Pauline_. You trekked here through the snow?” added Seb. “Honestly.”

“Only took me twenty minutes. Not such an old lady I can’t walk up a lane.”

“Well no, but...”

“Come and have a sit down,” insisted Mark, getting up from his chair to put the kettle on. 

 

Pauline was smiling in at Teddy before looking out into the garden as she found a seat at the table.

“You’ve been busy.”

“Hm?” frowned Seb.

“The snowman. I take it you made that yesterday.”

“Oh, yes. Pauline I still can’t believe you’ve walked through all this snow.”

“It’s not so bad. Ice is worse.”

“Hmm.”

Pauline smiled at how disapproving Sebastian sounded.

“Am I in trouble dear?” she teased.

“No I just… We should have said you didn’t need to come.”

“Oh don’t worry about it. I remember walking into the village with my Tom through the snow to get him to school. I had to drag him on a sledge.”

“That’s quite a walk,” commented Mark as he presented her with a mug of tea.

“Oh I didn’t drive when he was little. You do what you have to. I remember one perishing winter, goodness when was that? Must have been 1987 I think, but we battled through.”

“That’s the year I was born,” remarked Seb.

Pauline smiled and nodded, thinking how young he still was.

“My mother always told me that the year I was born had one of the worst winters she’d ever known; feet of snow and so cold they even had ice on the inside of the windows. That was before we had central heating of course, so you can imagine what that was like with a baby.”

Sebastian shook his head as he looked at Teddy.

“I don’t think we’d have been going out to play in the snow if we couldn't warm up again afterwards.”

“No, ah well. Anyway don’t be fretting about me. It was no great hardship. Besides, I like to keep busy.” She sipped her tea and glanced at the tiled floor. “I see the dogs have been out in the snow as well. Did you take them for a walk?”

“Oh, um no they just came out to play in the garden with us.”

“Sorry Pauline,” added Mark, “I meant to sort that yesterday.”

“Well it’s a good job I’m here then.”

 

Seb and Mark looked at one another, knowing there was no way to fight it.

“I’m driving you back in the Land Rover when you go home,” asserted Sebastian.

Pauline laughed.

“Very well dear, if it makes you happy. Shall I sort out those dishes?”

“No you drink your tea and warm up first,” insisted Mark. “Speaking of which, Seb, another cup?”

“Thanks.”

Mark nodded and got up to sort it so they could sit with Pauline to encourage her not to rush. As he passed Seb’s mug back to him and sat back down Mark saw that Pauline was too busy fussing over Teddy having a tomatoey mouth to appear in the least phased by her early trudge to get here. She was a hardy soul.

  


  


After Seb had dropped Pauline off he returned to find Mark putting Teddy down for his nap. Seeing no one but the dogs downstairs he went up to meet Mark carefully shutting the nursery door behind him.

“Ah you’re back,” noted Mark. “How was it?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Wouldn’t much fancy it in a normal car, but the four-by-four was alright.” He huffed a laugh. “Not used to driving so slowly.”

“Ha, no indeed. Ah well, good thing we’ve got it then.”

“Mm. I told Pauline that if it’s still like this on Monday morning I’d go and pick her up seeing as she’s insisting on coming.”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“You are good. If it is, I’ll do the run taking her back.”

“Okay. Is Teddy asleep?”

“Doubt it yet. He was looking sluggish though so I thought it wise to put him down for his nap.”

Sebastian went to touch the doorhandle, but Mark shook his head.

“Don’t darling. I just got him down. If you go in he’ll only get stirred up again.”

Sighing out a breath, Sebastian let his hand drop away. He knew Mark was right and past experience told them both that if their son didn’t nap he got grumpy and that certainly wasn’t fun for any of them.

“Okay,” he consented. “So, I’ve kinda got a bit more work to do before I go into the factory next week.”

“Righto.”

 

They circumvented the baby-gates to go downstairs, Seb going to Mark’s study to collect his laptop.

“You know sweetheart there’s rooms in this place we barely ever use,” Mark commented, “you could have one as a study of your own.”

“I’m okay,” shrugged Seb.

“You can use in here if you want.”

Sebastian laughed, thinking how this was hardly the first time Mark had mentioned this. His answer was always the same, but Mark still asked.

“Liebling I’m good. I like settling in, spreading things out on the coffee table and feeling more comfy.”

“As you like.”

Seb picked up a file of printed up notes and gave Mark a kiss on the cheek.

“What will you do?”

Mark puffed a breath as he considered, glancing at his own things from work on his desk.

“Well if you’re working I suppose I should too.” He huffed a little laugh. “Should I be sociable and come sit in the lounge with you or…?”

“Um.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark, reading his hesitation. “Working not socialising.”

Sebastian stretched up to kiss Mark’s cheek.

“Just until Teddy wakes up then maybe we could have a play out?”

“Sure. Something to work towards,” agreed Mark.

 

Sebastian nodded and left him to it so they could concentrate in their own spaces. Half an hour later the lounge door opened and he looked up from where he knelt at the coffee table busily studying. Seb smiled as he saw Mark coming in with a mug. Mark in turn laughed as he saw that Shadow and Simba were lying on the floor beside Seb.

“I wondered where you two had gone.”

“I made the mistake of not shutting the door properly,” explained Seb.

“Ah.” Mark set down the mug. “I guessed coffee. Hope that’s okay?”

“Oh is that for me?”

“Course.”

“Thanks. Yeah coffee’s good.”

“How you getting on?”

“Staring at data.”

“Ha! Same.”

“I think another half hour. Then I’ll give up whether Teddy’s up or not,” admitted Seb.

“Sure. Right well I’d better crack on.”

“No sign of Teddy waking?”

“Quiet as a mouse.”

Sebastian nodded.

“There goes my excuse to stop studying.”

Mark chuckled.

“Mine too. Right, back to the work. See you in a bit.”

“Thanks for the coffee.”

“No bother.”

  


It was actually forty minutes before Teddy alerted his parents to the fact he was done napping. Mark had the monitor by him on his desk, but Seb had his own alert system, the dogs lifting up and turning their heads, ears pricking before he heard a faint call floating down the stairs, so he was out into the hallway almost as fast as Mark was. Mark laughed at the way they nearly ran into one another coming from different directions and held the safety-gate open.

“After you.”

“Thanks.”

  


A couple of minutes later they were down in the kitchen, assembling outdoor gear when Seb looked out of the window.

“Oh.”

“What?”

Sebastian sighed as he looked to Mark, then Teddy in his arms.

“Snowing again Kleiner. We’ll have to play later.”

Mark rubbed Seb’s arm.

“N’er mind. I’m sure it’ll clear up.” He gave Teddy a smile. “Milk and a snack buddy?”

  


Seeing as the snow flurry was still too heavy to take Teddy out in after his snack, they went swimming instead. It seemed they were mis-timing things all day unfortunately as the snowfall tailed off while they had lunch, but by the time Teddy was up from his afternoon nap it was coming down again. Mark gave Seb a sympathetic smile as he pouted at the sight.

“We could try really wrapping up. Hold a brolly over him maybe?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No he wouldn't enjoy it. I don’t want him getting cold.”

“Hmm.”

“Do you think he’d be alright if we went in the gym for a while, give him some more toys to play with in his little thing?”

“His playpen you mean?”

“It’s not a pen,” protested Seb.

Mark smiled. The little fenced enclosure that they had bought to put in there fairly well fitted the term pen to his mind, though it was more like a brightly coloured sheep pen than anything else, though he didn’t think sheep pens had padded floors with games and toys attached to low plastic panels  which was what they used to demarcate a safe area for their son in the gym.

“Teddy-zone?” he offered.

Sebastian huffed a laugh, knowing he was being over-sensitive when Teddy didn’t seem to mind being contained in there so long as he could see his parents while they exercised.

“We’ll have to get your toy snowman instead Liebling,” Seb consoled their son. “At least you can play with that.”

  


As they set off back upstairs again to change Mark slunk an arm around Seb, half looking to Teddy, but really speaking to him.

“Whole weekend to play in the snow,” he reassured.

“You don’t think it’ll melt?”

“Nah.”

Sebastian smiled. Mark was no more able to control the weather than he was, but it was nice to hear nonetheless.

  


  


  


As it turned out Mark was right and the snow lasted well over the weekend, though they had fewer additional deposits to add to that already in the garden. Seb wasn’t complaining though seeing as the skies brightened and on the Sunday they actually had sunshine to make playing out even more enjoyable. Seeing as they had either flattened or used up a lot of the snow in the back garden they went to the front to make another snowman there. This time they decided to make it into a snow-bear in Teddy’s honour, making little snowballs to fashion into ears for it.

“Of course we should really say it’s a polar bear,” pointed out Mark as Seb returned from the house with another old scarf to wind around its neck.

Seb ducked down to join him and Teddy who was still patting at its sides, seeming to enjoy helping.

“Snow teddy-bear,” Seb suggested.

Mark chuckled and looked to their son, then what they had created.

“Bit bigger than our Teddy, but okay. Right guys, Grandma wants more pictures so let’s see if we can get one with all three of us in.”

  


  


They sent the picture to Seb’s parents as well, so later in the afternoon when they were back inside they weren’t surprised to get a Facetime call from them, wanting to see their grandson as well as chat to Seb and Mark about how things were going.

“So you like the snow then Teddy?” asked Heike, leaning in a little to look at him as Mark tried to keep all of them in shot.

Naturally the little boy did no more than look at his grandmother, so Seb answered on his behalf.

“Yeah he’s loved it, haven’t you Teddy?”

Teddy turned to him.

“Papa.”

“Mm. So we had another play and made that snow-bear this afternoon.”

Heike nodded.

“It’s been cold here too.”

“Has it?”

“All week, though we had less snow than you by the looks of things.”

“Huh, wouldn't expect that.”

“No well we had it in January of course.”

 

Sebastian nodded. It still felt odd to think that it was February now. February meant testing at the end of the month and work starting to really ramp up in pre-season.

“You’ll have to take Teddy skiing if he likes snow,” commented Norbert.

Sebastian laughed.

“He’s only just mastering walking Dad.”

“No I didn’t mean now. In a few years.”

“I’m sure he’d be better than me in no time,” smiled Mark.

Seb looked to him and shook his head.

“You’re very good Liebling. He might like it though, but not until he’s quite a bit bigger.”

“I’m sure you went skiing when you were quite little,” commented his father.

“Mm.”

Mark nearly smiled at Seb’s lack of response to that, but he knew Seb was always going to be cautious about their son doing anything too soon.

 

“Anyway,” he moved on swiftly. “We’ve had a nice weekend.”

“Yeah, really nice,” concurred Seb.

“Are you back in work next week?” asked Heike.

“Not until Wednesday.”

“What about you Mark?”

“I’m not over there again until the start of March.”

“Oh I see.”

“I’m gonna get emailed more stuff in the meantime.”

“Ah.”

“So are you going with Seb to testing then?” asked Norbert. 

 

Seb and Mark looked to one another. They’d gone back and forth on this one, but with Mark needing to hop over to Stuttgart only a couple of days after Seb was in Barcelona for the first days of testing, it seemed a bit much (though it was Seb making that point more than Mark).

“I don’t think so,” replied Sebastian on their behalf. “I’m only going to be away two nights each time and come straight back when I’m done.”

“Oh right.”

“It’s better this way,” asserted Seb. “Teddy can stay home rather than dashing back and forth. I’ll be working the whole time anyway.”

“Testing can be a lot of hurry up and wait,” agreed Mark.

Seb’s parents nodded, not wanting to interfere too much.

“Well, not quite there yet,” offered Heike.

“Mm.”

“It’s not for a few weeks anyway,” Seb dismissed.

“Of course,” agreed Norbert, “well, plenty more time to play in the snow I’m sure.”

“Hopefully. We’ve got Christian coming over next Sunday for lunch so we could really do with it having cleared by then.”

“Ah very nice. Good for Teddy to see his godfather.”

“Yeah that’s what we thought.” Seb looked to their son. “Nice to see your Uncle Christian. Been a while hasn’t it?”

 

Instead of answering, Teddy started squirming on his lap to escape so he could play on the floor, so Seb hitched him in.

“We’d better go sorry, he’s due his dinner.”

“Oh right.”

“Sorry.”

“No no, bye then Teddy.”

“Can you say bye to Oma and Opa,” encouraged Mark.

Seb was waving to get Teddy to do the same and they managed to get him to say bye as well before ending the call saying goodbye themselves.

 

As Sebastian let Teddy down at last to have a play on the carpet he puffed out a breath and Mark gave him a look.

“Alright?” he checked.

“Yeah.”

“You know we can change our mind about testing,” offered Mark. “It’s not so very far for us to come with you.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No it’s okay. It’s only two days together and I’m not likely to have a lot of time for you. I’d just feel bad about it. You know how long the days can be at testing. We’ll have to be there super early to launch the car for the press before the session even starts on the Monday and then if there are issues I could be there really late to work through them.”

Mark nodded, knowing how assiduous Seb was about trying to get stuck in with the team.

“Fair enough.”

“It’s not even as if the facilities are all that great at testing. It’s not like during a race and if it’s wet and cold too, Teddy would just be cooped up and miserable. You’re better at home.”

“Okay, alright then sweetheart I’m just checking.”

Seb nodded and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“Thank you Liebling. I appreciate it.”

“No problem. Right, better go sort dinner then,” decided Mark. 

They both stood, but Mark looked to Teddy now happily playing with a few of his toys and shook his head.

“Nah my turn to cook. You stay and play here with Teddy, yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

  


 

Later on once they had put Teddy to bed for the night they sat back in the lounge, the fire lit with the dogs in front of it. They weren’t relaxing just yet though. Instead they had their dairies out as well as the joint family diary as they double-checked how co-ordinated things were.

“I don’t think it’s that bad,” judged Mark as they flicked through the shared diary once more.

“No I suppose with the changes to the WEC one.”

“Mm.”

“I think we could do with a wall chart for in the kitchen so we can see at a glance,” decided Seb.

Mark smiled. Nothing like going overboard, but he couldn't deny that it might be handy, if only for Pauline's sake to see when she was needed to look after the dogs. That was another sit down chat they needed to have.

“Sure.”

Sebastian let out a long breath. Races weighed heavily for F1 rather than WEC, but even so they were still in for a busy time.

“Will you be alright for your testing seeing as we’re only just back from Australia?” he checked.

Mark flicked back to look. He would be heading down to Paul Ricard to see how the new Porsche worked on the last two days of March. Allowing to get there the afternoon before meant he would get home on the Monday from Australia only to set off again for France on the Thursday. Three, maybe four days to get over his jetlag and be in shape to drive the car for the first time.

“I’ll be fine,” he asserted.

“I’ll take any night shifts that week,” offered Seb.

 

Mark smiled. Normally he would automatically argue that they should share seeing as Seb would be tired after his race and dealing with his own jet-lag, but this was going to be a tough challenge and he wanted to do well at his first opportunity to show his team his commitment was unchanged after being away for a year.

“Thank you. I know you’ll be knackered too.”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“It’s another fortnight until the next race in China. Plenty of time for me to catch up.”

“Well, maybe we’ll get lucky and Teddy will just fit right back in and sleep through as soon as we’re home?”

Seb let out a laugh.

“Yeah.” Suddenly he pointed up at the corner of the room. “Oh look Liebling, over there.”

Mark looked where he was pointing, frowning as he saw nothing out of the ordinary.

“What?”

“A flying pig.”

Mark laughed and shook his head.

“Alright smart-arse.”

 

Grinning, Sebastian flicked through the diary once more.

“We’ll be alright. Power of positive thinking and all that.”

“Ah that,” smiled Mark.

“Europe should be fine.”

“For you and me.”

“Yep.”

“I was thinking, some of the guys have motorhomes to stay in at Le Mans,” related Mark. “They were talking about it the other day when I was in Stuttgart. What would you think of that?”

“For all of us?”

“Of course for all of us. You can get big ones with bedrooms, put Teddy’s travel cot in the living area. There’s some pretty flash ones available, get it set up ready for us and then it’s just a short walk to get where we need to be.”

“Um, yeah I guess it’d be nice not to be in a hotel for once.”

“Yeah that’s what I’m thinking. Teddy could play out on the grass in front if it’s nice and if it’s not we can have an awning, still give him room to toddle about.”

Seb smiled. They’d have to keep a close eye on him, but the idea of sitting out letting their son have some fresh air was good.

“I think if it’s sited somewhere not too loud, not too close to any of the entertainment or fair bits?”

“Sure. Worth looking into though?”

“Yeah. It’s a good idea. So long as it’s not too far away for you to get back and forth as well.”

“I’ll check it all out.”

“Great.”

“Well there we go, there’s one positive.”

“Going out to see your family is positive too,” noted Seb.

Mark laughed.

“Yeah I was taking that one as read.”

“Oh, okay.”

“So, Oz fine, Europe fine, China?”

“You don’t need to come. It’s such a long way.”

“Mm but that means you’re away four, probably five days on your own.”

“I’ll be alright.”

“Wouldn’t it be better to stick together where we can?” pressed Mark. “I know it’s gonna get tricky in the autumn, but Spa for me isn’t until the start of May.”

“I spose.”

They looked at one another, then Seb nodded, thinking they could always discuss it again nearer the time.

  


“Canada’s another matter,” allowed Mark. “The team want me in Le Mans for the Sunday before, ready for scrutineering.”

“Mm.”

“So I was thinking if your mum is still okay to help with the handover.”

“Of course she will.”

“If she comes on the Saturday morning to get settled in and I go in the afternoon then that’s really only two nights, one day, and then you’re back early on Monday.”

“And then we come join you.”

“Yeah that’s what I’m thinking. You don’t have to dash out though. Whenever you think. Wednesday maybe?”

“You’re driving by then. Tuesday is fine. Give me time to turn myself around, let Mum head home and then we come over.”

“Alright, sure. That works.”

 

Both of them started writing in more tentative dates.

“And then the week after I’m racing in France again,” noted Seb.

“Ha, yeah very handy. We could just stick around.”

Seb looked at him and Mark laughed.

“I’m kidding sweetheart. You know I’m wiped out after Le Mans. We’ll go straight home, chill for a couple of days, then pop back over.”

“At least it’s a short journey.”

“Yeah.”

“Then it’s busy, but at least it’s all Europe to the summer.”

“Easy bobbins.”

Sebastian laughed at the expression.

“If you say so Liebling.”

“I do. It’ll be fine.”

“Logistics are already looking to help find us a place to stay for Monaco.”

Mark nodded. They didn’t want to repeat the stress of last year.

“It’s gonna be expensive,” continued Sebastian, “but they say if we don’t mind a little bit more journey in then there should be somewhere we can hire on the coast further round.”

“Speedboat to work. Could be worse.”

Seb smiled. He wasn’t thinking quite a speedboat with them having Teddy, but a water-taxi would be alright.

“Definitely worse commutes I can think of,” he agreed. “We’ll just not look at the price of the villa they find us.”

“Ha. Ah the privilege of being in that position.”

“It’s for Teddy.”

Mark leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“I know darling. And our peace of mind. Can’t put a price on that.”

“I’ll check what they’ve found when I’m in next week.”

“Great. Well, there we go, few bits to tweak, but I reckon we’re not doing too badly,” judged Mark.

Sebastian laughed.

“So much easier when it’s just writing stuff in the diaries than actually doing all the fights and hotel and suitcases.”

“And actually racing.”

“Oh yeah that.”

 

Mark slung his arm around Seb and rested his head by Seb’s as he looked at him.

“We’ll manage. ‘kay?”

“’kay.”

“Stick together where we can. Play things by ear where we need to. Keep things as simple as possible and make the most of when we’re home.”

“Yeah. I think I might go through my diary and highlight those days.”

Mark huffed a laugh and kissed him again.

“Me too. Ones where we’re both home.”

“Yeah.”

“What about the summer?” mused Mark. “Are you going to want to go away this year or stick at home?”

Sebastian let out a helpless laugh.

“Oh god Liebling I don’t think I can cope with any more planning. Can we leave that for another day?”

“Sure.”

“Sorry.”

“No it’s okay.”

 

Seb turned his head on Mark’s shoulder and fitted his arms around his middle as he looked up at him.

“I promise we’ll sort it and do something nice as a reward whatever we decide, but I think my head will frazzle if I have to make any more decisions.”

Mark kissed his nose and pulled him even closer.

“We don’t want frazzling.”

“No Liebling.”

“No. Okay then. Conversation for another day.”

Sebastian squeezed around him.

“Thank you.”

“Nah. I know what you mean. It’s a lot. We’re good to the summer. No point getting too far ahead of ourselves.”

Seb nodded into Mark and then pouted a little.

“Is it contradictory that I really am looking forward to racing again, but I kinda wish we had fewer races?”

Mark shook his head.

“No. I’m looking forward to getting back in the car, but I’m not looking forward to being apart from Teddy at all.”

“Mm.”

“Or you.”

Sebastian laughed at Mark adding that.

“Yes Liebling it’s okay.”

“I meant both of you.”

Laughing again Seb kissed at Mark’s jaw.

“I know.”

Mark moved his head so their noses were almost touching and they smiled at one another.

“Stay together where we can, yeah?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

“Good.” 

Mark kissed him on the lips, then rubbed his nose against Seb’s before kissing him again, a little slower this time. Then he took in a deeper breath and looked to the diaries and notes on the coffee table.

“Let’s tidy everything away and forget about it,” he proposed.

Letting go of him Sebastian sat up and nodded.

“Yep.”

“And then no more worrying about it,” Mark asserted.

Seb huffed a laugh, but he knew Mark really meant for tonight at least. He took in a deep breath and started tidying things up with Mark to take into his study. As Mark shut the door on it he gave Seb a smile.

“Out of sight out mind.”

“Works for me,” Seb agreed. 

  


They went round locking up for the night and as they did so Sebastian glanced outside at the snow still lying on the ground. It wasn’t as pretty as when it had first fallen seeing as they had fairly well played on  most of it. Perhaps they would get some more overnight to give them a nice fresh white surface  for the start of the new week ?

As he caught him looking out of the kitchen window Mark smiled and came to stand by him.

“You checking our snowman’s alright?”

Sebastian laughed, though he looked to it now.

“No, just looking out.”

“We good?”

“We’re good,” Seb confirmed, then turned back around to face into the kitchen. “Do you fancy a drink?”

Mark raised an eyebrow.

“A drink drink?”

“I was thinking a beer. I don’t know why.”

Mark laughed.

“Why not? Yeah. Must be a couple in the fridge.” He opened it up to look, digging to the back to find two bottles. “There we go.”

“I know it’s illogical when it’s so cold.”

“Nah. No reason we can’t have a little treat for all our hard work.”

“Ha, hard work.”

“Meh, we sorted some things out.”

“True.”

“Right, opener…”

 

Mark found the bottle opener in the drawer and popped the metal caps off the beers before handing one to Seb. They returned to the lounge and sat on the sofa, Mark offering his bottle towards Sebastian’s.

“Cheers.”

Seb smiled and chinked his bottle to Mark’s.

“Cheers.”

“Here’s to…” Mark paused. “The new season? Sorting ourselves out?”

“It still being not the season yet?”

“Ha. There we go. I’ll drink to that sweetheart.”

Mark raised his bottle in a ‘cheers’ motion and Seb did the same before they each took a good sip and then settled in together. Sebastian pulled his legs up onto the sofa beside him and made himself comfortable against Mark.

“You want a film on?” asked Mark.

Seb paused and Mark turned his head more to look.

“Or you happy just like this?” he offered instead.

“Happy like this Liebling.”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“Me too. Good stuff.”

He sat back and relaxed. On the monitor they could just hear Teddy safely sleeping. The dogs were content in front of the fire. Mark and Seb were equally content, Seb leaning into Mark, Mark keeping an arm wrapped around him, both of them nursing a bottle of beer to sip. A calm companionable silence settled on the room like the snow had settled on the countryside around them, soft and enveloping. They really didn’t need more than this right now.

  


  


 

The next morning Sebastian went to fetch Teddy when he called for them, going into the nursery to find the little boy stood in his cot.

“Papa!”

“Yes Liebling, it’s alright, I’m here Schatz.”

He scooped him out and cuddled Teddy in, little arms going around his neck as his son let out pathetic shuddery breaths as if he had been abandoned.

“There now Kleiner it’s okay, it’s okay.” Seb kissed his son’s forehead and gave him a smile to reassure him. “Daddy’s gone to get you some nice warm milk. That should cheer you up a bit, hmm? Yeah.”

As Teddy let out a little sigh and calmed down Seb reached to chub his round cheek.

“Such drama,” he teased gently. “Now then shall we just check your nappy, then we can go through.”

 

A minute or two later Seb had him changed and re-dressed, Teddy perking up now he was more comfortable. As Seb lifted him up he gave him another kiss.

“That’s better isn’t it Liebling?” Teddy patted at his face, making his father smile. “Much more lively. Hm, I wonder what we’ll do today Kleiner. Will you want to play out again?”

 

He carried him over to the window and tweaked open the curtain to peer out into the garden. It was still a way off dawn, but as Seb looked out he could see well enough that the white of previous days was now almost all gone, just patches of snow remaining here and there with larger areas of darker grass more prominent. Seb couldn't help pouting as he saw their snowman one of the few things left unmelted. He let out a sad sigh, then turned as he heard the door open behind him.

“Oh, hey.”

Mark crossed the room to join them.

“Hey.” He smiled in at Teddy. “Morning sweetheart.”

“Dada.”

“Yeah mate, been getting your milk.”

Mark showed him and Teddy reached out for the two handles so he could hold his little cup himself.

“Keen,” smiled Mark.

“The snow’s gone.”

Mark nodded, trying not to laugh at how sad Seb looked.

“Yeah. I know. Sorry darling.”

Sebastian puffed a breath, then shrugged his shoulder.

“I guess it has been getting warmer over the past couple of days.”

“Yeah. Ah well.”

Taking a deep breath to push that to one side, Sebastian gave Teddy a smile.

“Never mind Teddybär, doesn’t matter. Let’s go back to bed and you can have your milk.”

  


As they climbed back under the still warm covers Mark looked to see that their son was happy with his milk, then put his arm around Seb.

“Sorry about your snow sweetheart.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“My snow.”

Mark shrugged.

“Is kinda. Ah well, I spotted your snowman has survived in the back at least.”

“ _Our_ snowman.”

“Of course.”

Sebastian smiled as he saw the tease in Mark’s eyes.

“I know it’s silly.”

“Nah, it was fun. Guess it couldn't last forever.”

“No. You’re right, we had fun while it lasted.”

Mark nodded then kissed Seb’s cheek, Seb checking Teddy was managing holding his milk properly to drink it before resting his head onto Mark’s shoulder.

“Maybe it rained overnight?” he speculated.

“Maybe,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian gazed down at Teddy cuddled in with them, felt Mark’s arm around him and told himself off for even caring what the weather was like when he was lucky enough to have this.

“I spose it’s good really,” he allowed. “This week we can just focus on training and work stuff and Teddy.”

“Absolutely.” Mark smiled in at Teddy facing him. “Still plenty of fun stuff we can do mate, no worries.”

“Yeah,” concurred Seb.

Still the break, still family time as much as possible, still no need for worries. The season would be on them soon enough and when it was they would deal with it as best they could. Until then, they had this, and snow or no snow, that was pretty bloody wonderful.

  


 

* * *

 


	252. Familiar Forgotten Feelings

 

* * *

 

 

With the start of the new season Seb and Mark knew they were facing something of challenge travelling as a family. Going out to Australia for the first race of the year had been made far easier by the fact they had gone early to spend time with Mark's family. As they had come along to the race as well, that made life considerably easier given the number of willing babysitters present and Teddy at almost fifteen months was now enjoying the fuss being made of him by his extended family whom he knew better now.

They had headed straight back home afterwards though due to the fact Mark had to fit in WEC's pre-season prologue in France, testing out the new car only a few days later.

They had discussed all going along, but in the end Sebastian stayed home with Teddy rather than accompanying Mark. It had seemed too much of a fuss seeing as he would only be away for one night and with the amount of travelling young Teddy was going to have to deal with this year just giving him a little more time at home seemed wise. Thus they applied the same arguments they had to Seb’s testing sessions in Barcelona a month earlier and so Mark headed off to the south of France alone.

 

It was a logical plan, and Mark agreed to it without too much opposition, but being away from his family proved tougher than he had thought. As with his preparation meetings in Stuttgart, it was pretty much fine while he was busy working. It crossed his mind now and then to wonder what Seb and Teddy were up to, but mostly he restricted himself to letting that curiosity being satisfied by calls home whenever he had breaks.

That wasn’t so bad, and Mark was enjoying getting really stuck in with his team, trying out the new car and finally feeling that exhilaration that came with getting the chance to put his foot down to test the limits once more. The sensation of going really genuinely fast, of testing not just the car but his body, his abilities, his racing skill, felt wonderful. It was like stretching out his limbs after being cramped up on a long flight and Mark was a little relieved to find that after over a year away from the wheel he wasn’t as rusty as he secretly worried he might be.

What _was_ tough was when the end of the day came. Leaving the circuit, Mark wished more than anything that he could be heading straight home. He travelled back to the hotel with Jenson and though Mark nodded and smiled along to his friend’s jokes and chatter about how the day had gone, his mind was elsewhere. As soon as they got checked in Mark made his excuses and dashed off to his room, barely taking time to dump his bag down before he was calling home again, placing a Facetime call so he could see he son before Seb put him down for the night.

 

“So it all went okay?” checked Seb, even though they had spoken several times through the day.

“Yeah fine. Quite a lot to work on, but that’s what this is for I guess.”

“Of course, well, that’s alright then.” Sebastian paused and observed his husband's face for a moment while Mark gazed in at Teddy drinking his night-time milk. “And you’re alright?”

“Yeah I’m okay. Feel it a bit in the body after all this time, but I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Getting old darling.”

He was unsurprised to see Seb pout at that.

“No you’re not. It’s just a while since you’ve been in the car. I felt the same first go this year.”

Mark chuckled. He suspected that was relative. His neck ached in all honesty, but he didn’t think moaning about it helped.

“Mm, well I’ll just get an early night.”

“Right,” nodded Seb. “Me too. To be honest I’m still catching up on myself after Melbourne.”

“You’re okay on your own?”

Seb smiled.

“I’m fine. We had a second little nap this afternoon after you called.”

“Ah okay. Well I’ve got myself talked into getting dinner with JB, but after that I’ll just hit the sack.”

“Uh-huh.”

 

Mark smiled at the way his son’s blue eyes were fixed on him all the while he held his little cup to drink his milk. Teddy always looked so adorable dressed in his pyjamas ready for bed, his soft blonde hair neatly brushed to the side. It was just on eight here after a long post-test engineering session to review all their findings and discuss plans for the next day, which meant seven pm back home; bedtime for Teddy. Frankly it felt much the same for Mark, though he was hungry, so it wasn’t much of a hardship to get some food with Jenson. Hopefully his friend would understand that he wanted to keep it short.

“You’ll be on your way home this time tomorrow,” noted Seb.

Mark huffed a laugh as he looked to him once more. He knew his husband understood exactly how it felt to be parted from your family like this.

“Yeah with any luck,” he agreed. “I’ll dash off as soon as I can. Don’t suppose I’ll be back before he goes to bed though.”

Sebastian nodded. He knew Mark couldn't skip out on essential team preparations just because he wanted to get home sooner. After being out for a year Mark needed to show his dedication to the team was as strong as ever.

“I’ll still be up,” assured Seb.

Mark laughed again. Seeing as he ought to be home somewhere between eight and nine pm, British time, he’d rather been banking on that.

“I look forward to it.”

Mark looked to Teddy again. Those eyes were starting to look tired and even on this small screen, he could tell the little boy was slowing drinking his milk; always a sure-fire sign it was time for bed.

“I’d better let you go,” he decided.

“Oh okay.”

“I’ll call back later before I go to bed if it’s okay?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“If it’s okay?”

“Well you said you were tired.”

“I’ll sleep better for speaking to you,” promised Seb.

“Me too darling,” concurred Mark. “Alright well night night Teddy.”

 

Sebastian sat Teddy a little higher and looked down to him.

“Daddy has to go now Liebling.”

Bye for now sweetheart,” waved Mark.

The little boy frowned at the sight of his father waving via the little screen. He let the spout of his cup fall from his lips and Seb had to catch it before it spilt.

“Dada?”

“Just until tomorrow darling, then I’ll be home,” Mark vowed.

“Dada.”

Mark watched a chubby little hand come pawing at the screen, his son pouting as he felt cold, hard plastic and not his father’s face. His heart ached not to be able to reach in and give him a cuddle, to kiss one of those round cheeks and reassure Teddy that everything was okay. It did no good getting upset though, much less showing that to his son, so Mark puffed a calming breath then smiled, waving again.

“Bedtime now kiddo. Bye-bye.”

“Bye to Daddy,” prompted Seb.

Teddy was still frowning as he copied his father to wave back.

“Bye Teddy.”

“Bye,” echoed Teddy, sounding unsure.

Mark sighed. Urgh, this was so hard. One night away. How had Seb done this last year?

“Bye sweetheart.”

Sebastian wanted to sigh as well. Poor Mark. He could tell from his expression how much he was struggling. Calls like this always felt like torture when he was away. The only thing worse was _not_ calling and not seeing his family while parted from them.

“We’ll talk later, yeah?” he prompted.

“Sure. Okay bye then. Bye Teddy darling, be good for Papa.”

“Dada.”

Mark let out a breath. He was making this worse. Best just to go.

“Alright, bye then, love you.”

“Love you too,” replied Seb.

Teddy was reaching for the screen again, but Seb had managed to dump his sippy-cup onto the floor so he had a free hand to pull his son’s hand away so Mark could see them. He gave Mark a nod to tell him that it would be okay.

“Say hi to Jenson for me.”

“Will do. Till later then.”

“Later. Bye.”

“Bye.”

 

Mark ended the call and only then let out the longest sigh. God this hurt. It actually hurt as though his heart was being physically squeezed by that little hand desperately reaching for him. Was it ridiculous that he felt like crying? Jenson would probably think it crazy to make such a fuss about being apart from his family for one night, but the pain it caused made the twinges in his neck muscles feel like nothing.

Dropping backwards onto the bed, Mark stared at the ceiling of his hotel room. He gave himself a talking to, telling himself to calm down and just get on with things. He should wash his face, change his clothes and sort his room out. Then he could get some grub with Jenson and be distracted by his friend’s usual light-hearted repartee. After that he’d simply come back, get ready for bed and call Seb back before getting a decent night’s kip. Tomorrow would be fine back at the track and then it was straight home. Nothing to get worked up about.

 

Back home sadly Teddy was not of the same opinion. As the phone screen went blank and his father's face disappeared, he let out a distressed cry.

“Dada!”

“No no Liebling, it’s okay. He’s had to go now.”

“Dada!”

Sebastian lowered the phone to rest it on a spare space on his knee, turning Teddy more to face him. He cuddled him in, hushing his son as he began crying. Using his feet he rocked the chair back and forth to soothe him, but the little boy was not to be distracted. He spotted the phone on Seb’s knee and grabbed it up, frowning and shaking it as Seb tried to take it back.

“No Schatz, that’s my phone.”

“Dada, Dada.”

“He’s gone now. Back tomorrow Liebling.”

“No!” howled Teddy.

Sebastian sighed. How could you make such a small boy understand? He tried to wrestle the phone from that little hand, but before he could, Teddy scrunched his face angrily and flung the phone across the room.

“ _Teddy._ No.”

“No!” echoed little boy in reply, kicking his legs and struggling in his father’s arms.

Taking a calming breath Seb looked at his son, trying to balance hanging on to him and not holding him too tight.

“You mustn’t throw things like that. You might have broken it.”

 

Teddy was far too distraught to listen, even if he could have comprehended what his father was saying. Seb abandoned trying to reason with him and stood, carrying Teddy with him to the corner of the room where thankfully the mobile phone had landed on carpet and survived being used as a missile. He ducked down to pick it up and checked it was still working, then set it on a bookshelf out of reach before going to the window. As it was now the end of March it wasn’t quite dark at this time yet, so Seb stood holding his son looking out, jigging him to calm him down, hoping that the sight of the garden might be reassuring somehow.

Placing his cheek by his son’s head, Sebastian could feel him crying into his shoulder, that little body racked with sobs even as he clung to him. It made Seb want to cry too, though even in the moment he knew he couldn't tell Mark just how upset Teddy was. It would break his heart to hear that and Seb was sure their son would calm down soon.

“I miss him too Kleiner,” he admitted as he rubbed over his son’s back. “Daddy misses us as well. He doesn’t like having to go away.”

“Da-dah-dada,” sobbed Teddy, lifting his head just enough to look at Seb.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry Teddybär. He’ll be home soon.”

The shuddery breaths were beginning to slow, so Sebastian returned to the rocking chair, moving it back and forth to help steady the little boy. He spoke softly and calmly to him, keeping him cuddled in close. Teddy was clutching at his hoody, looking up at his father now, that bottom lip stuck out plaintively. Seb spared a hand to smooth away the wetness on his cheeks and kissed the top of his head. Every night of his life since he was four days old, Mark had held him and kissed him goodnight. It was all Teddy knew. No wonder it was so strange and upsetting for that not to be the case tonight.

 

As he continued to rock the chair Seb kept his son close and kept talking to him, hoping his voice was reassuring. He knew Mark must be suffering too, but at least as an adult he could understand that after one night he would be back. Teddy was far too young to comprehend what that meant.

“Daddy will be back tomorrow night Liebling. He’ll be back as soon as he can. Daddy loves you so much Teddy.”

“Dada,” pouted Teddy looking up at him.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah. I love you too Teddy. Daddy and Papa love you so much, so so much.”

Teddy took a couple of shaky breaths, then squashed in closer.

“Papa.”

“Yeah. It’s okay, it’s okay. Shhh now. Everything's alright. Alles ist in Ordnung Kleiner. Alles ist Gut.”

 

They sat there for a while longer, Seb soothing his son until he was settled enough for him to be taken through to the bathroom to gently clean his face and brush his teeth so he was ready for bed. As Seb carried him back through, he paused by the bookshelves and gave Teddy a smile.

“Now then, what story shall we have?”

He selected one of the German picture books they had and scooped up Teddy’s old blue toy dinosaur for him to hold as they sat back on the rocking chair once more, Seb using his softest voice to read to his son until those eyelids were finally sliding shut. Putting him in his cot, Seb tucked Teddy in and watched for a moment to be sure the little boy was asleep before tidying up, collecting the monitor and the baby-cup with its dregs of milk to take down to the kitchen.

Only when he had emptied, washed and set the cup to dry, did Sebastian realise he had left his phone up in the nursery. Worrying that it might ring and set Teddy off again, he belted upstairs, slowing to tiptoe into the nursery to retrieve it from the shelf.

Sebastian puffed out a silent breath, looking to see Teddy was still safely sleeping before going back downstairs again. Then he sat down at the kitchen table with a sigh, the dogs coming in to snuggle in against his legs. Seb smiled and gave them a stroke.

“Don’t spose you guys much like that Mark’s away either do you? Ah dear.”

 

As it turned out, Seb had time to get himself some dinner and tidy away before Mark rang back. Initially they just spoke, but as Seb admitted that Teddy had got a little upset earlier, Mark struggled even more with his pangs.

“He’s asleep now though?” he checked.

“Yeah. He calmed down. We just read a story and had a cuddle for a bit.”

“Right.”

Sebastian paused. He knew he was playing things down somewhat, but he could neither lie to his husband nor make him feel guilty at being away. It was a delicate balance.

“He’ll be alright Liebling.”

“Yeah.” Mark sighed. “I hate being away from him.”

“I know.”

There was a pause and Seb heard the puffed breath Mark let out.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel worse about it.”

“Oh no darling, that’s okay. I was already missing him. Missing both of you.”

“Yeah.”

“Can’t be helped I suppose.”

“No. He’s fast asleep now Liebling. He’s really fine.”

“Okay. Good.” Mark paused again. “I know it’s awful, but I wish I could see him.”

“You want to Facetime?”

Mark huffed a breath.

“I don’t want to wake him.”

“I could check he’s asleep and call you back,” offered Seb.

“Are you sure?”

“Course.”

“Only if he’s off. I don’t want to upset him again.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Mm, well.”

“I’ll call you back either way. Just give me a minute.”

 

A couple of minutes later Sebastian stood in the nursery, holding his phone over the cot to allow Mark to watch their son deep in sleep. The picture was dim given the low light coming from the lamp and Seb had set his phone screen to its darkest setting so as not to disturb their son, but Mark could just make out that little round face, mouth partly open as he breathed. He smiled at the sight of those chubby arms thrown above Teddy’s head, Mark wishing he could gently touch his cheek. That wasn’t possible though. Even if he was actually there Mark would normally restrain himself from potentially waking him.

Then the image was moving as Seb lifted the phone to face him.

“Okay?” he whispered.

Mark nodded and Sebastian switched off the lamp and tiptoed out onto the landing before going to sit on their bed.

 

“He’s really fine Liebling.”

“Yeah. Thank you.”

“That’s okay. Will you sleep now?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Like a log probably. I hope Teddy doesn’t wake you.”

Sebastian nodded. Their son was doing pretty well considering the time-changes he had been through coming back from Australia less than a week ago. They spoke for a while longer, both of them propped up by pillows on their bed, though those beds were a thousand kilometres apart.

“Okay, well I’d better get some kip sweetheart,” relented Mark. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow when I can.”

“Sure. Teddy will be alright you know. He was mostly tired I think.”

Mark smiled at Seb trying to make him feel better.

“I’m sure. Well with any luck he’ll have a good night and have a cheerier day tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, night then. Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling. Good luck for tomorrow.”

“Thanks. Bye then.”

“Bye.”

 

It was a far more peaceful end to this call. Sebastian sat for a moment, then put his phone to the side and went to get ready for bed, no point staying up, even if it wasn’t yet nine o’clock. This time tomorrow hopefully Mark would be home. He wasn’t going to think about the fact that they would only have a few days before they were off once more for another of his races.

 

In the south of France Mark was already under the covers, staring out into the darkness wishing he could hear his son breathing on the monitor. He thought for a moment whether it was crazy to consider whether Seb could have propped his phone by the cot all night, or at least by the monitor so he could hear Teddy, then decided it definitely was. His son was fine. Seb was taking good care of him and soon he would be back with both of them. Time to switch his stupid brain off and sleep.

 

 

 

Twenty-four hours later Mark stood in the nursery gazing down at his son sleeping once more. It felt a hell of a lot better to do so in person than via a phone-screen, but a selfish part of him wished Teddy was awake so he could hold him and let him know he was home.

“So he was alright today?” Mark whispered.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah we kept busy.”

“Good.”

With a last look at their son Mark nodded and they left him to sleep.

 

Down in the kitchen Mark got the affectionate greeting from the dogs he missed from his son as Shadow and Simba fussed over him while Seb made them a late dinner. Not that Seb hadn’t fussed plenty over Mark when he walked through the door a little while ago, the dogs too seeing as Seb thought they would have scratched the kitchen door down if he had tried to shut them in when they knew their adored master was home.

As the dogs finally calmed down Mark gave them a last stroke and went to join his husband, standing behind Seb to look over his shoulder so he could check he wasn’t interrupting a crucial moment in the cooking before Mark slipped his arms around his waist.

“I really did miss you darling.”

Sebastian turned his head as he let the wooden spoon rest in the pan.

“I missed you too Liebling.”

They stepped away from the stove and stood facing each other, Mark’s arms around Seb’s middle as Seb rested his around Mark’s shoulders.

“I know I made a fuss about Teddy,” admitted Mark. “I don’t want you to feel… I dunno, second best.”

Sebastian let out a laugh and shook his head.

“Second best?”

Mark pulled a face.

“I said that wrong. I don’t mean…”

Pushing up on his toes Seb silenced him with a kiss, then stayed up to look directly into his eyes.

“That you love our son so much only makes me love you more Liebling. It’s not a competition.”

“No,” agreed Mark.

“I’m very glad you’re home.”

“Me too.”

 

Sebastian let out a sigh and pressed in as they hugged tight, Seb resting his head on Mark’s shoulder, helped to stay up by Mark’s arms placed just in the right spot at the small of his back. He closed his eyes, breathing in the scent of his husband that was so distinctively _Mark_.

“So glad you’re home,” he repeated.

Mark huffed a little laugh and Seb moved his head to see the smile on his face. Mark moved in to kiss him, his mind already thinking that he really wasn’t as tired as he had felt on the flight home. As they parted, Sebastian lowered down and raised an eyebrow.

“Thinking of an early night are we Liebling?”

“Um.”

Sebastian smiled back teasingly.

“I can think of some nice ways to cheer you up.”

“Ha, that does sound nice.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah definitely.”

“You want to go up now?”

“Oh gosh, that’s tempting darling, but is it awful if I say I’m starving?”

Sebastian laughed and glanced over to check their dinner wasn’t boiling over.

“Not awful. I’m hungry too.”

Mark chuckled and nodded. He dipped in to give Seb another kiss, then whispered into his ear.

“Hungry for you too darling, but I’m thinking I need a little energy first.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded, then stepped away.

“I’d better take care of that first then, hadn’t I Liebling?”

“You’re too good to me.”

Sebastian was back by the stove, still smiling. Dinner, maybe a little cuddle up on the sofa after dinner just to chill out and see where that led them. The odds on it being bed were pretty strong, though maybe they wouldn't even get that far. That was a nice thought. He could feel Mark’s eyes on him even as he began to help out by laying the table. Absence might make the heart grow fonder, but Seb really was far happier to have Mark home. His heart was fond enough already.

 

 

 

The next morning Mark woke before Seb did. The sun wasn’t up yet so he tried to angle his head to check the time without disturbing Seb who lay curled onto his chest, arm wrapped around him as if Mark wanted to go anywhere. Nearly half six. Mark was surprised Teddy hadn’t woken them, but he’d slept right through, giving his parents a lovely night’s sleep which Mark was particularly grateful for. Turning back Mark kissed the top of Seb’s mussed head and very gently stroked his hand under the duvet along Seb’s arm where he held on to him. Sebastian stirred slightly, then moved his head to look up at him.

“Sorry sweetheart.”

“Huh?”

“I woke you.”

Seb frowned, then shifted properly to lie next to Mark so his head was on the pillow facing him.

“You didn’t wake me.”

“Didn’t I?”

Seb gave a little shake of his head, then kissed Mark. Mark kissed him back and put his arm around to pull him closer. He was just beginning kissing him more deeply when he heard a noise on the monitor and paused, straining to hear if their son was awake. Mark saw Seb smiling and apologised.

“Sorry.”

“No it’s okay. You wanna go check on him?”

“Do you mind?”

“Course not.”

 

Mark gave him another quick kiss, then sat up before climbing out of bed to pull on pyjamas before going through to the nursery. He opened the door as silently as he could, then opened it, pausing in the doorway to see his son already sat up in his cot. The moment Teddy saw him approaching he started hauling himself on the railings to stand.

“Dada!”

Mark grinned and sent his hands to pick Teddy up as he threw his arms into the air to be lifted.

“Dada- _Dada_ ,” squealed Teddy excitedly, arms immediately going around his father's neck.

“Yeah buddy-boy, Daddy’s home. Have _I_ missed you mate.”

They cuddled in together, Mark placing his rough cheek down by his son’s soft one, already resolving to shave so it was nicer for him. He let out a sigh, then raised his head to peer in at Teddy who was still hanging onto him as if for dear life. Mark kissed his son’s temple, then looked up to see Seb stood in the nursery doorway, arms folded across his t-shirt clad chest and a smile on his face. Mark smiled back and walked over.

“Poor little mite, you’d think I’d been gone a fortnight.”

“I think it felt that way to him,” admitted Seb.

“Yeah. Ah I’m sorry kiddo.”

He tried to catch his son’s eye, but Teddy was refusing to do anything other than cling to him. Seb placed his hand on Teddy’s back and huffed a tiny laugh as he appreciated that their son was doing as he had when stood in the kitchen the night before; smelling Mark, breathing him in and letting himself absorb that comforting scent until he felt connected to him again.

“Missed Daddy didn’t you Schatz?”

Seb laughed again as he received merely a peek of an eye from his son before he buried back in.

“Right, I’ll get his milk. Cup of tea Liebling?”

“Thanks.”

 

When Seb came back up with the tray with their drinks on he found Mark and Teddy cosied up back in bed, the little boy now relaxed enough to trust his father wasn’t about to disappear again that he sat up to hold his cup so they could all enjoy their nice warm drink in peace. Mark put his arm around Seb.

“All the stuff I missed.”

“Drinking tea?”

“Ha, well, drinking tea in bed with my family on a day off, yeah.”

“Fair enough.”

Mark passed Teddy one of the soft toys they had brought through with them.

“Fifteen months today.”

“Huh yes, so he is.”

“Born on a Sunday too.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I’ll be racing a week from today.”

“True. Actually you should be just about crossing the finish-line with any luck.”

“Mm.”

“Mm?”

He raised an eyebrow and Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“What is it?” challenged Mark.

“No just… I don’t know. I was just thinking…” He turned more to him, glancing at Teddy happily ensconced on Mark’s lap. “Maybe you should stay home?”

“What? Sweetheart we’ve talked about this.”

“I know but… it’s such a long way. Wouldn't it be better for him to stay home?”

“It’s better that we stay together,” asserted Mark. “Teddy won’t care where we are.”

“Wouldn’t he rather be at home though? No plane ride, no adjusting to the time, no being stuck at the circuit all day.”

“Sweetheart we’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to just have a bit of time at home?”

Mark puffed a breath.

“Well I won’t pretend I don’t wish we didn’t have a spare week in-between, but that’s just how it goes. We’ll be fine when we get there. Honestly sweetheart I’d always much rather be with you. So would Teddy.”

 

Seb set his head back for a moment and Mark sat up more to look at him.

“You do want us with you don’t you?”

“Of _course_ I do.”

“Alright,” relented Mark, not wanting to upset him. “I know you do. Look, I know there’s times this year when it’s unavoidable that we’ll have to be apart, but let’s not add to that unless we have to, yeah?”

“I’m just trying to think of you and Teddy.”

“I know you are darling. You’re very selfless. After the past couple of days I don’t know how you did it last year.”

Seb shrugged.

“I just had to.”

Mark reached a hand to stroke over Seb’s cheek.

“Tough cookie.”

“I did miss you both.”

“Course you did. And we missed you.”

 

Sebastian looked at their son who seemingly oblivious to his parents’ conversation, sat happily playing with his toys. Was he a horrible person for being a tiny bit glad his son missed him too when he was away? Mark angled his head to catch Seb’s eye and rubbed over his arm.

“So we stick together, yeah?” he pressed.

“Okay Liebling. Sorry.”

“No you’re thinking of us and that’s very kind darling, but what we want is to be with you.”

“That’s what I want too.”

Mark squeezed Seb in and Seb rested his head down on Mark’s shoulder.

“I always want to be with you,” he confessed quietly.

Mark turned his head to kiss Seb’s temple.

“Me too.” He looked down to Teddy. “We want to be with Papa don’t we mate?”

Teddy finally turned to look at his parents, first Mark, then Seb.

“Papa.”

“See! Ha, Teddy seals it,” asserted Mark firmly.

Sebastian laughed.

“Okay then. Thank you Lieblinge.”

 

 

 

 

So it was that a mere two days later they were packed and off on their travels once more. The plane did make life easier, but travelling to China requiring an eleven hour flight with a toddler was never going to be ideal, even if they were going overnight in the hope that they would all spend most of the journey sleeping.

Seb and Mark made sure they had Teddy's special blanket, his favourite soft toys and plenty of stories and other little toys to keep him happy as well as nappies, changing mat and kit, changes of clothes, and milk and food for him. In the hold there was Teddy's pushchair as well as a good deal more luggage, far more for their son than themselves. In the cabin itself the crew fitted his car seat onto one of the flightseats and they had upgraded to a larger flight cot specially made for older babies and toddlers so he could with any luck sleep through the night as they crossed continents.

Unfortunately Teddy hated take-off, no matter how much his parents tried to sound calm and persuade him it was fun. Seb sat beside him as Teddy sat strapped into his seat, trying to feed him some warm milk to help with coping with the change in air-pressure, but the little boy screamed in pain at his ears going pop and Sebastian couldn't bear to see him in distress so forgetting his safety concerns he unclipped him and lifted Teddy to hold him in by his chest, as he fought valiantly to keep trying to give him a bottle to drink in the hope that sucking would at least distract him and offer comfort.

As soon as the steward came through to tell them they could remove their seatbelts Sebastian moved to sit in the seat beside Mark on the other side where they would normally sit, taking Teddy with him. He was still wailing piteously and the steward, who Seb and Mark had no doubt was none too thrilled to have his eardrums assaulted, asked if there was anything he could do to help. Mark looked up from where he was leaning in, stroking over his son's tear-streaked cheek.

“Sorry mate, he'll calm down in a bit.”

“That's okay. Um, perhaps a film? We've a few Disney ones.”

“Worth a go,” agreed Mark.

He undid his seatbelt and took Teddy from Sebastian, lifting his son up to look him in the eye.

“It's alright now, come on sweetheart, calm down.”

Teddy looked at his father for a moment, then continued wailing. Mark sighed and sat him sideways on his knee as the film started up on the large screen a few feet in front of them. Seb was leaning in, trying giving him the bottle again, but Teddy was having none of it, angrily bashing at the bottle, almost knocking it out of Seb's hand. Mark angled his head to look at him.

“Teddy don't do that. Poor Papa's only trying to help. Come on now, I know it's not nice but it'll feel better soon.”

“No!” shouted Teddy.

Mark sighed. Why was that one of the first words their son had to learn? He sighed and rubbed over Teddy's back while Seb pointed at the screen.

“Look Teddy Liebling, 'Dumbo'. You like this.”

Teddy's eyes followed Seb's pointing finger and he turned his head to look. The bright colours and music starting up distracted him and he paused. Mark flicked his eyebrows up at Seb.

“Like you,” he observed.

Sebastian just shrugged. It was certainly true that he enjoyed watching Disney films even more now they had a child to share them with and Teddy was pretty familiar with their DVD collection. He gave their son a smile and stroked over his soft light blonde hair.

“Is that better Teddybär? Hmm? Like cartoons don't you Kleiner?”

 

Teddy looked at him with big wet eyes and Sebastian dug in his pocket for a clean tissue to dry his face.

“There now,” he soothed. “Just have a nice calm down and then you can have a sleep.”

Sebastian set the bottle down to the side by his feet, then as he sat back up Teddy glanced back to him from looking at the screen and put his arms out to him. Seb huffed a little laugh and gave Mark a look.

“Sorry Liebling.”

Mark gave a little shake of his head as he helped Teddy to shift off his lap into Seb's, settling in now facing forwards, Seb's arms wrapped around him. Mark smiled as Sebastian dipped down to kiss the top of Teddy's head and lifted his arm to let Seb lean into him. He knew that doing this at home was one of Seb's favourite things, feeling cosy all snuggled together as a family on the sofa.

Teddy associated the pictures on screen with comfort and Mark knew he also tended to associate it with sitting on his papa's lap. Mark suspected Teddy absorbed the happy vibe Seb gave off in those moments. He wasn't about to be offended by their son favouring Seb right now. Anything that kept their little boy happy during these tricky moments was good. Mark knew he would certainly have plenty of time with him while Seb was working this weekend.

 

Within twenty minutes Teddy was fast asleep, his chubby little cheek turned to press into Seb's chest, facing towards Mark.

“Do you want to put him in the cot?” whispered Mark.

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“No he's comfy.”

Mark smiled. He didn't think Teddy was the only one who was comfy. Seb looked so contented like this. Mark nodded and gave Seb a kiss on the cheek before dipping down to give their son the gentlest of kisses too so he didn't wake him.

“After the film then maybe?” he suggested. “Then we can all get some kip.”

Sebastian nodded, then rested his head down on Mark's shoulder. Sleep would make the journey go faster. He hoped Teddy might agree.

 

An hour later Mark stood, lifting Teddy up to lay him into the flight-cot. Their son was so much bigger than he had been when they had first done this. A year ago Teddy fitted into a little bassinet, now it was a far bigger travel cot that they had had to hunt online to find so the plane could have it fitted. As Mark carefully placed his hand behind his son's heavy head, his other hand supporting his behind, Sebastian reached in to arrange things in the cot. Mark lay Teddy down on the mattress, his limbs floppy in sleep, his little mouth partly open as he breathed. Sebastian clipped the elasticated safety harness around him so Teddy was safe, able to move a little, but not to stand and attempt to climb out while his parents slept just two feet away and kept secure should they hit any turbulence. Mark pulled his blanket over him so he felt cosy and at home.

“Night Teddy, be a good boy and stay asleep now,” he instructed.

Seb went and got his toy dinosaur and placed beside where Teddy's arm stretched out so it was right there for him if he woke.

“It's not easy for him,” he noted.

Mark nodded.

“I know darling. Not many kids have the air-miles our Teddy does, but he's alright now.”

“Yeah.”

Mark rubbed his arm as they both looked down at their son. The cot was arranged so they could see him from their seats which meant they could relax knowing Teddy was okay. He couldn't escape even if by some miracle he woke up without announcing it to the world. Sebastian found their own blanket so he and Mark could get comfortable, Seb settling into him with his head by Mark's shoulder, Mark's arm back around him. They each looked to be sure Teddy was fast asleep before closing their own eyes and appreciating the spell of peace, joining their son for some much needed rest.

 

 

By the time they arrived in China Teddy had long since woken them with familiar tears that told his parents he was in need of a nappy change, a cuddle and some morning milk which the steward warmed for them with no comment that he too had been disturbed by him waking. He put another film on for them and though Seb and Mark wouldn't normally give their child so much time looking at a screen, flights were a different matter and the little boy sat happily enough on their knees, sipping from his cup brought from home much as they normally would.

They still had a way to go though, so they filled the time with trying to feed Teddy some porridge and slices of apple without the immaculate cabin getting covered in gloop before actually getting some breakfast themselves, taking turns while the other entertained Teddy.

At least they had managed a decent few hours of sleep through the night. Given that they were flying east against the date-line, they would be arriving on the Wednesday afternoon in Shanghai, thus allowing time for settling in at their hotel and an early night so Seb wasn't too tired going into a race weekend. Now their son was older there was a chance he might sleep through once he was back on the ground, but Mark and Seb knew the confusion to all their body-clocks might prove wearing and the odds on them getting a good night’s sleep were lower than they were at home. Nothing to be done but get on with it though.

 

 

 

 

Arriving at the hotel Mark climbed out of the car and asked the driver to find a porter to start decanting their many possessions from the large boot while Seb unclipped Teddy from his car-seat and lifted him out. At least the car would be theirs for the weekend so they could leave the seat and the buggy in there. Sebastian stood on the pavement holding his son, Teddy's arms around his neck as he clung onto his father wondering where they were. Seb looked at the entrance to the hotel, frowning slightly. Mark came over, Teddy's travel bag and their own lodged on his shoulder while the rest of their luggage was piled onto a trolley to take in.

“Alright?” he checked.

“Mm,” replied Sebastian distractedly. “Different hotel.”

“Huh?” Mark frowned. “Aren't we at the right place?”

“No we are. Just... it's a different Marriott to the one we've stayed in for the past few years. I hadn't realised it was this one.”

“Been here before haven't we?” commented Mark, sure that he had stayed in half the hotels near racetracks around the world over the years.

“Mm.”

Sebastian shook the strange feeling off, sure that he was just jet-lagged, and looked back to Mark, seeing him laden down with their flight bags.

“Are you alright with those?” he checked.

Mark smiled and reached with his spare hand to chub Teddy's round cheek.

“I'm fine. Think this one's heavier. You gone tired now kiddo?”

 

Teddy made no reply, merely leaning his head into Seb's shoulder as they headed in, going to check in at the desk. While Mark showed their passports as ID, Seb sat Teddy on the desk, holding onto him with one hand whilst he texted Britta to let her know they had arrived. Moments later she appeared out of the lift, saying hello to them all before giving Sebastian a quick rundown.

“Papa,” appealed Teddy.

Sebastian glanced over to where Mark was now holding their son.

“One minute Liebling.”

Britta shook her head.

“It's fine. That'll do for now. Why don't you get on? I'm going to head to the circuit. It's, umm...” she checked her watch, “getting on for three, so I'm just going to go over a few things, make sure we're all set. Christian's down there already so I'm sure he'll swing by to say hello when he comes back to the hotel.”

“Okay. I think we just need to sort ourselves out, maybe let Teddy have a play and nap before dinner.”

“Catch you after six then?”

“Sure.”

“Right, well, bye then guys.”

“See you later.”

Britta gave Teddy a wave, but he wasn't in the mood so he buried himself in Mark. Seb went back to stand by them and gave Teddy's arm a rub.

“Not saying hello to Tante Britta today?”

“I think he's a bit confused where we are,” noted Mark.

“Mm. Right, shall we go up?” Seb prompted.

 

Sebastian hooked the bags onto his shoulder and they followed the bellboy who wheeled their belongings into the lift to show them up to their room, letting them in and unloading things before opening the curtains and leaving them to it. Seb dumped the bags he was carrying and stared outside for a moment before turning back to look at the room. It was a large space, as might be expected when a hotel allocated rooms for a team. Seb knew they always gave the drivers and top management the best rooms available. There were no dividing doors for different areas in this room as in some hotels, but that was okay. It wasn’t that which made him feel uneasy somehow.

Mark had set Teddy down to toddle unevenly about while he checked that the cot was set up for him, immediately scanning the room for cables and any other hazards that their son could either injure himself on or damage, Mark going around to do his best to make the place safe. Teddy had already succeeded in getting over to where a lamp was plugged in to see what happened if he tugged on that interesting lead, so Mark scooped him up into his arms.

“No you don't sunshine,” he chided.

Mark unplugged the lamp and folded the trailing lead up out of reach, then lifted him up and took Teddy over to where there was a large mirror on the wall, knowing how seeing himself always entertained their son.

“Look. Who's that?”

“Dada.”

Mark smiled and kissed his son's chubby cheek.

“Yes darling, Daddy and Teddy.”

Teddy waved at himself and smiled as the other Teddy waved back at him, so Mark did the same.

“Hi Teddy.”

“Hi,” waved Teddy again to his father in the mirror.

Mark could just see Sebastian in the mirror too, stood a few feet away with his back to them. He turned his head to see him properly.

“Y'alright?” he checked.

“Da- _da_ ,” appealed Teddy poking Mark in the cheek to get his attention.

“Yes mate.”

Mark looked back to his son and obediently waved into the mirror again to make him happy, smiling as Teddy said hi and babbled away, Mark trying to work out what he was saying.

 

Sebastian didn't hear them. He stood staring at his surroundings; the bed neatly made up, sets of drawers either side, tall fitted wardrobes, the open bathroom door over to the left. All so familiar. Standard stuff. International chain hotel bedrooms all looked much the same. Seb took a calming breath and pushed it out. It just looked familiar, that was all.

He turned a little from where he stood near the end of the bed and looked at the view out of the large window once more; tall buildings clustered together, but one was separate, reaching up to the sky where it tapered. There was an antennae on top stretching even higher, a red light fixed there to prevent anything flying too low and hitting it. It wasn't lit in daytime but Seb could remember seeing it. He remembered looking out of this window. He remembered the angle of the buildings that made up the view. He remembered the way the sun reflected off the glass in all those windows in them.

_He remembered._

 

Seb felt a horrible flush of heat in his chest and turned back to study the room once more. It didn't just look the same, it _was_ the same. It was the same room. It was the same bed. It had happened right here, right in this room.

His eyes widened and everything swirled around him as realisation of the truth crashed in, terrible memories connecting up and flooding his mind now as the missing parts came back to him. He started to breathe faster and his heart began to jack-hammer. Seb closed his eyes for a moment to try to calm himself, but his skin was boiling over and he couldn't stop it, sweat rising to the surface as he felt his body losing control.

He hadn't felt anything like this in such a long time, but now it was overwhelming him. As he reopened his eyes Seb could feel everything slipping away. The walls were closing in and he couldn't breathe at all, couldn't call to Mark for help, couldn't do anything to stop his legs giving out from under him, couldn't stop his eyes from shutting and everything going black.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing with trapdoors is you might not know they are there until it is too late...
> 
> Believe it or not, part of this chapter was written two years ago. So much of all this has to go down when it's in my brain and then sits there squirreled away until we reach it.


	253. Trapdoor

* * *

 

 

Something caught Mark's eye in the mirror as he continued the game with his son. Before he could turn to see what it was Seb was already buckling at the knees, first to sit woozily, swaying to the floor with a bump before immediately keeling sideways onto the carpet a dead weight.

“Seb!”

Mark rapidly set Teddy down and rushed over, kneeling beside Seb to see in horror that he was out cold.

“Oh my god. Seb. _Seb?”_

Mark leaned over him, reaching with shaking hands to move Sebastian so he wasn't in that awful tangled position, lying him flat onto the floor and breathing too fast himself as he looked down at those closed eyes.

“Sweetheart?”

A little hand was on his shoulder as Teddy had toddled over to join him.

“Dada.”

Mark looked back to Teddy, trying to appear normal for his son's sake.

“It's alright, it's alright,” he soothed, half to Teddy, half to himself.

Mark swallowed, trying to make his voice sound calm, though he was anything but. He leaned in closer and put his hand by Sebastian's cheek.

“Darling? Can you hear me?”

Seb didn't stir and Mark was flat-out panicking now. He moved his hand to put his fingers at Seb’s pulse-point, relieved to feel it going, but worried as all hell that he wasn't responding.

“Seb? Please.”

Mark lifted him to prop Sebastian's head into his lap and ignored Teddy pulling at his arm, not even looking at him as he watched for any sign of reaction from Seb.

“ _Da-da_ ,” whined Teddy, pulling at his arm once more.

“Not now.”

Teddy moved around so he was in Mark's line of sight but Mark was busy getting out his phone, scrolling for Dr. Phillips' number in the hope that he was at the hotel. While Mark set his phone to call, Teddy looked at Seb in perplexment, then reached to poke him.

“Papa.”

Mark grabbed at Teddy's hand to stop him.

“No darling.”

Teddy's little face puckered and he burst into tears, sitting down with a bump not dissimilar to the way Seb had gone down; uncoordinated and uncontrolled, though at least Teddy was balanced enough to stay sitting, now crying disconsolately. Mark felt as though he was in a nightmare. He pulled Teddy into his side and rubbed his arm as he held him in.

“I'm sorry darling, please just...”

“Hello?”

 

Mark's attention was drawn to the tinny sound emanating from the phone he had let drift from his ear. He lifted it back up.

“Doc?”

“Hello?”

“Doc it's me, Mark. Mark Vettel-Webber. Are you in the hotel? Here I mean. You are here in Shanghai aren't you?”

“The Marriott? Yes Mark I arrived yesterday. How can I help?”

The doctor sounded so calm when Mark wanted to scream for help, but he fought to try to stay steady.

“Is that Teddy?” enquired the doctor hearing a crying infant in the background. “Is he alright?”

“Doc I need you to get up here. We're in room 447.”

“Is he hurt?”

“It's Seb. He's passed out. Please hurry doc.”

The doctor heard the controlled urgency in Mark's voice and stood up from where he had been sat on his bed, hurriedly shoving shoes on his feet and looking for his medical bag.

“He’s unconscious?” he checked.

“Yes.”

“I'm on my way. 447?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

 

The line cut and Mark dropped the phone as Teddy yanked at his arm, having paused crying.

“Dada, Papa.”

Mark was about to be unfairly annoyed at his son for bothering him while he was so worried when he looked down and saw Sebastian's eyelids fluttering.

“Sweetheart? Oh my god. Seb darling can you look at me?”

Mark let go of Teddy so he could lift Sebastian into a sitting position, leaning in to look at him as Seb blinked in confusion.

“Darling you scared the hell out of me.”

Sebastian blinked again, trying to work out where he was and what was happening. Mark was there. Teddy looked upset. Seb tried to reach out a hand to where his son sat wedged in by them, his cheeks flushed pink and his lip wobbling.

“Papa,” appealed Teddy again, now trying to crawl onto him.

“No darling just wait,” stopped Mark, trying to hold Seb up with one arm and pull Teddy back with his other hand.

Teddy started crying again and the sound resonated in Sebastian's head. What was going on? Were they home? He looked to Mark, feeling as though his head was stuffed with cotton-wool. Were they in bed? Had he just woken up? It felt as though there was nothing beneath him and Sebastian closed his eyes as sitting up had made him dizzy.

“No Seb open your eyes,” demanded Mark.

Sebastian did so. This time he took in his surroundings more and he realised that he wasn't in bed, but by a bed. They weren't at home. Not home. A hotel. A hotel room. A hotel bed. _Oh god._

 

“I'm going to be sick,” he gasped.

Mark didn't know what to do with two in his care so he propped Seb to lean into the foot of the bed and picked Teddy up.

“One sec.”

He deposited a now screaming Teddy into the travel cot, apologising to him, as if his son who was little more than a baby could understand. Then Mark heard a retching noise and looked back to see that Seb had been unable to do anything other then turn his head to the side and vomit onto the carpet.

“ _Christ_ ,” let out Mark under his breath.

He rushed back over, dropping down onto his knees to right Seb who was now lolling weakly in the direction of the pool of sick by his side.

“Oh god. I'm sorry. Here, okay, up.”

 

Mark stuck his hands under Sebastian's arms and levered him off the floor, trying to get him to stand, but Seb couldn't seem to find his feet properly. The smell made his stomach churn even more and everything was swirling in his head. Mark dragged Seb's arm around his shoulders, keeping one hand holding it there, the other wrapped around Seb to hold him up. Sebastian took in the room around him and was already retching again as Mark got him into the bathroom and over the toilet to throw up again, only just getting him there in time.

Mark lowered Sebastian to kneel, still hanging onto him as Seb put his hands onto the seat, trying to hold himself up with weak arms before vomiting again and again. He felt so dizzy and sick. Everything was spinning and Seb was sure he was going to pass out. He tried to rest into the toilet but Mark kept him up.

“Please,” begged Sebastian. “I need to...”

He threw up again and Mark was sure he was taking all his weight. This was horrendous. He could hear their son crying in distress only a few feet away but Mark couldn't let go of Seb. There were only dry heaves now as Sebastian had emptied his stomach. He couldn't seem to keep his head up and Mark worried at how slack his body was.

Seb felt so weak. He wanted to close his eyes and make everything go away.

“It's gonna be okay sweetheart, the doctor's coming,” Mark assured.

Sebastian tried to look at Mark.

“Doctor?”

“Yeah Doc Phillips. He should be here any second.”

Sebastian let out an unhappy noise.

“Need to… lie down,” he managed.

 

Mark hesitated, then nodded. He lifted Sebastian away from the toilet and laid him down on the bathroom floor, then flushed the toilet and hauled a towel off the rack to the side and folded it up to make a pillow, slipping it under his head to make Seb marginally more comfortable, then damping another to clean him up. Sebastian made another small noise and Mark leaned in over him.

“Darling what happened? Is it your head? Did you get dizzy?”

Seb didn't want to think about what had brought this on. He didn't want to think about any of that. He couldn't. He had to block it out. He closed his eyes, trying to make it all go away.

“No Seb please don't close your eyes,” implored Mark, desperately anxious that Sebastian might slip unconscious again.

Seb stared up into Mark's eyes seeing such concern there. He could hear Teddy crying and felt even worse that he couldn't get up to help him.

“Teddy.”

Mark straightened up and glanced back into the bedroom. He wanted to tell Seb their son was fine, but he plainly wasn't.

“Okay, just...”

Mark shifted Seb to lie in the recovery position and Sebastian rested his head to the side.

“Don't close your eyes,” instructed Mark firmly.

“'kay.”

 

Mark nodded, then pushed himself up to go grab Teddy out of his cot to bring back through. Poor Teddy's little face was puce from screaming, though he lowered the crying down a few notches the moment he was picked up and Mark stroked over his back trying to soothe him as he walked back through to the bathroom. As Mark sat back down by Seb he held Teddy on his lap, wondering if he could find a way to lift Seb up as well. Sebastian had a similar idea and tried to push up on his arms to show their son he was okay when nothing could be further from the truth. Mark almost went to help him but Seb looked so terrible he shook his head.

“Sweetheart just lie down for a bit. Wait till the doctor comes, okay?”

Mark felt horribly helpless. All he could do was rest his hand gently on Seb's shoulder and try to keep his gaze.

“The doctor's coming. You'll be okay.”

Teddy was pressing into him and Mark kept rubbing over his son's arm, hushing him to keep him calm, or maybe it was to keep himself calm, though he felt anything but. Seb appeared ashen and Mark didn't think he looked with it at all. Though he was trying not to show it, Mark was worried sick.

“It's gonna be fine sweetheart. Just rest and you'll be okay.”

He was praying that was true.

 

“Hello?”

Mark turned his head towards where the sound came from in the bedroom.

“We're in here.”

The doctor appeared in the doorway, already concerned at passing vomit on the carpet and now seeing Seb apparently in a heap on the floor.

“My god. _Seb_.”

He came over and put down his bag, kneeling to lean over Sebastian who now was trying to at least roll onto his back. The doctor helped him but did no more than that and when Sebastian weakly tried to sit he shook his head, alarmed at the pallor of his face.

“No stay lying down Seb,” he advised.

The doctor looked to Mark who was trying to simultaneously comfort Teddy in his arms and take hold of Sebastian's hand where he lay beside him.

“Mark what happened?” enquired the doctor.

Mark puffed a breath.

“He just went down mate.”

“In here?”

“No the bedroom. I wasn't looking properly. I had Teddy and...”

Mark shook his head, feeling awful that he hadn’t even noticed that something was wrong until it was too late.

“You mean he fainted?” checked the doctor.

“Yeah. He just... I don't know, not in one go, I think he sort of sat on the floor in a hurry then went over, but I was looking the other way.”

The doctor was nodding, already taking Seb's pulse and then looking into his eyes.

“Did he hit his head?”

“Oh god mate, I don't think so. I mean I guess on the carpet, I didn't quite see. He was already half-way to the floor and I had to put Teddy down. I just couldn't get there in time.”

“Okay and he'd passed out?”

“Yeah.”

“Completely unconscious?”

Mark nodded.

“Did he vomit before he passed out?” enquired the doctor.

“No after he woke up. Just after I spoke to you, then I got him in here and he threw up some more.”

“A lot?”

“Yeah, pretty bad.”

Sebastian closed his eyes. The floor was like a cloud barely keeping him up and if he put his head further back it would just keep on falling, falling.

 

“Seb. Seb can you look at me?”

“Seb open your eyes. Please darling.”

Sebastian reopened his eyes, confused by the two voices demanding things of him. He looked up and saw Mark holding Teddy clamped to his chest and Dr. Phillips beside them.

“Doc.”

“Yes Seb.”

“I don't feel so good,” mumbled Sebastian in a weak voice.

If Mark had had it in him he would have laughed.

“Oh god darling. No. What was it? What happened? Can you remember?”

“He wasn't feeling ill before?” checked the doctor.

“No he was fine. I mean, maybe we're a little tired, a little jet-lagged, but nothing particular.”

“Had he eaten?”

“We had breakfast on the flight. I mean it was breakfast for us.”

“How long ago?”

“Umm, dunno, two hours or so I guess.”

“No headaches on the flight?”

“No I...” Mark looked to Seb. “You were fine, weren't you sweetheart?”

Sebastian gave a tiny nod.

“Okay and when he passed out was there any signs of fitting?” the doctor checked.

“No he was just lying totally still,” Mark recounted.

“Sebastian can you tell me what happened prior to you passing out?” requested the doctor.

 

The doctor and Mark were either side of him, so from where Seb lay he could see through the open bathroom door to the bedroom. He wished he couldn't. The end of the bed was visible. He didn't want to see it. Didn't want to see the bedroom at all. Sebastian turned his head a fraction to the side and he could see the bath and the shower on the other side of the bathroom. He'd stood in that shower, his body still trembling in shock though it was nearly an hour later. It had taken him that long to get off the bed, to find the strength to move, to uncurl himself, to risk getting up, to be sure he wasn't coming back. The water had been hot, but Seb couldn't stop shaking.

 

“Seb can you hear me?” asked the doctor, alarmed by the unfocussed gaze that had slipped over Sebastian's eyes.

A bright light was being shone in his eyes and Sebastian scrunched them shut.

“No darling let him look,” instructed Mark.

Sebastian felt Mark squeeze his hand and it was the first reassuring physical thing he recognised in a while. He looked to Mark and worried at the way their son was now staring at him. Their son. He had a son now. A husband. A life. A good life.

It was a million light-years away from that dark past. Seb tried to close it off and lay obediently while the doctor examined him. He took slow breaths and tried to squeeze Mark's hand back, though his body didn't seem to be responding very well.

“Papa,” pouted Teddy.

Mark lowered his chin down into the top of Teddy's head.

“He's gonna be alright sweetheart. Papa's just not feeling very well.”

Sebastian waited while the doctor took his pulse again, tutting at it, then looked to him.

“Seb do you feel dizzy?” enquired the doctor.

“I don't know. I don't feel right.”

“Hmm. Does your head hurt?”

“No.”

“Okay. When you woke up, did you know where you were?”

Seb didn't want to think about that.

“Seb?” pressed the doctor.

Sebastian sighed.

“Not right away.”

“You were confused?”

Seb didn't answer, so the doctor pushed on.

“Do you still feel confused?

“Doc I need to sit up. Can you help me please?”

It was the most coherent sentence he had managed and the doctor looked at him.

“Are you feeling better?”

Seb caught Mark's eye and knew he couldn't lie.

“Please I just need to sit up a bit. Can I have some water?”

“Um, okay. Wait a moment.”

 

The doctor got up and went to fetch a bottle of water from the other room before returning and slowly sitting Seb upright enough to drink. He passed him the opened bottle and Mark shifted across so he could help support Seb, sitting into his side and putting his arm around his back whilst keeping hold of Teddy with the other. Sebastian succeeded in holding the bottle and though he wished he could spit the first slug of water out, he had to swallow it. He then took another drink before passing the bottle back to the doctor who had a hand on his other side holding him up. Seb looked at the way Teddy was now silently gazing at him.

“It's alright Kleiner, don't be frightened.”

Seb used all his strength to reach out his hand to rest it on his son's leg. A child that small shouldn't look worried.

“It's alright,” Seb repeated.

Before Mark could stop him Teddy clambered into Seb's lap and squashed himself into his middle. He went to take him back but Seb shook his head. He might not be able to hold his son up right now, but it felt better to have him close. Sebastian stroked his thumb over Teddy's little leg where he sat on him.

“Haben Sie keine Angst Teddybär, alles ist in Ordnung.”

“Papa.”

“Alles ist in Ordnung,” repeated Seb softly, trying to reassure himself as well as his son.

Mark sighed. Things were far from okay, but he didn't want to upset either of them, so he merely made sure he was securely holding Seb up against him. He looked to the doctor.

“Doc?”

 

The doctor puffed a breath and leaned in to get Sebastian's attention.

“Seb what happened before you collapsed? Did anything bring it on?”

Sebastian looked at him, then glanced at Mark. He gave a fractional shake of his head and the doctor frowned.

“You don't remember?”

He _did_ remember. That was the problem.

“Sweetheart did you feel ill? Why didn't you say anything?” asked Mark.

Seb couldn't answer, so the doctor tried again.

“Did it come on very suddenly?”

Seb made a tiny nod.

“Okay,” accepted the doctor. “Mark you said he passed out. Was he completely out?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Mark grimly.

“And no response?”

“No.”

“How long for?”

Mark sighed and rubbed at his face with his free hand.

“I dunno doc. Too long. Enough time for me to call you. I didn't time it. A minute, maybe two. I'm not sure.”

“Okay,” nodded the doctor.

He peered in at Sebastian again.

“Seb I think the best thing would be to get you to lie down on the bed and then...”

“ _No,_ ” snatched Sebastian, suddenly panicked.

 

Both the doctor and Mark were taken aback by the vehemence in his voice.

“Sweetheart...”

“No, I can't.”

“Perhaps I should ring down for housekeeping,” suggested Dr Phillips, thinking that perhaps the mess on the floor of the bedroom and the bad smell was upsetting Seb. “Then you can have a proper lie down and...”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I can't, can't go back in there.” He looked to Mark, his heart beginning to race again. “Please Liebling, don't make me go in there.”

Mark stared at him, shocked at how agitated Seb sounded.

“Sweetheart what's wrong?”

“Liebling _please_ I have to get out of here,” appealed Seb.

 

Sebastian thought he might start shaking. He desperately needed to get away from this place. It was taking all he had to repress the terrible memories it invoked, the feelings associated with what had happened here. Even trying _not_ to think about things was making his chest feel tight again. Seb looked to Mark who worried at how pale he was.

“Do you need some air?”

Seb tautly nodded his head.

“Perhaps I should see if I can open a window?” offered Dr Phillips getting up to look for a window in the bedroom.

 

Sebastian watched him walk out of the bathroom, then looked to Mark again starting to feel desperate.

“Mark I can't go in there.”

“Sweetheart what's going on? I don't understand.”

Seb thought he might cry. He took in a sharp breath, then rushed his words before the doctor returned.

“I thought they all looked the same. All hotel rooms look the same, but... I thought I didn't remember, but I do, I came in here and I... I remembered. I've been, been in this room before.”

Seb ran out of air and started gasping, his eyes wide.

Mark felt as though something had just smacked him in the side of his head. Oh god. How could he not have worked it out? Seb having a meltdown, too afraid to go into a hotel bedroom. A hotel stayed at with the team in the past. A _room_ Seb had stayed in before. Shit.

“Oh god. Seb what happened here?”

Mark stopped talking as he appreciated the way Seb's breathing was too short, his eyes glazed. He rubbed over his back.

“It's okay, it's okay,” he reassured, realising now was not the time to ask questions.

“I can't, can't be in there,” pleaded Seb brokenly.

“It's alright, you don't have to. Just slow breaths darling. Just stay calm. It's gonna be okay.”

Sebastian worked to shut everything out except Mark's soothing voice and the comforting feeling of his hand so he could stop himself spiralling out of control.

 

The doctor came back in, standing in the doorway for a moment, concerned at the state Seb was in.

“I can't seem to find a window that opens. I stuck the air-conditioning on.”

“Doc we need to get out of here,” announced Mark.

“Seb needs to rest.”

Sebastian was trying to control his breathing. He rested his head onto Mark's shoulder and tried to focus on the feeling of Mark's hand on his back, little Teddy in his lap leaning into him. He must be scaring him. Poor Teddy had gone quiet and was gripping a fold of Seb's hoody in his tiny hand. He might not understand what they were saying, but he could feel Seb's chest moving, maybe even hear how hard his heart was pounding inside. He was frightened. His little boy was frightened and clinging to him. That thought made Seb want to cry even more, but he forced his breathing to slow and lifted his hand to stroke his son's arm.

“It's okay Schatz, it's okay,” he whispered, Teddy tilting his head to look at him.

Seb tried to fake a smile for his son, but he couldn't quite do it so he gave him a tiny nod instead. Mark watched the exchange, then looked back to see that the doctor was now kneeling by them again.

“Seb I think you should have a lie down so I can keep an eye on you,” decided the doctor.

Sebastian's eyes went to Mark, anxiety on the edge of tipping into flat-out panic. Mark continued to rub his back and looked to the doctor.

“Can we take him to your room?” he requested.

The doctor frowned.

“My room?”

“Yes. Is it far?”

“Well it's a floor below.”

“Right, okay can you take Teddy and I'll help Seb?”

“But...”

“He can't stay in this room mate. Can you grab Teddy's bag first? It's the baby bag next to the cot.”

The doctor opened his mouth to protest, but Mark gave him a firm look.

“Doc we need to get him out of here.”

 

Dr Phillips wanted to argue that Sebastian looked in no state to go anywhere, but there was clearly something going on he was missing. He knew there was no way Mark would be saying this without reason when he was so protective of Seb.

“Right, um, okay,” he agreed, getting up to fetch the bag and packing away his own before ducking down by Seb, reaching to take the toddler still curled into him.

Teddy clutched tighter to Seb and Mark had to help detach him, getting into his eye-line.

“Just go with the doctor sweetheart.”

“No!”

“Be a good boy please Teddy. The nice doctor's going to carry you while I help Papa.”

“Papa.”

“Yeah. It's alright, we're coming too. Just be a good lad.”

“ _No!”_ shrieked Teddy as the doctor pulled at him.

Sebastian really wanted to cry now. Teddy's shouting was going right through him and he felt guilty all this was upsetting him. He pushed away his own feelings and looked at his son, forcing his voice to sound normal to reassure him.

“Just for a minute Liebling, please. Be good.”

 

The doctor managed to lift the little boy away. He didn't spend much time with children, but he could hold him with enough confidence that the child felt secure enough not to struggle any more.

“Here we go, good boy,” echoed the doctor as he stood, hitching the bag on his shoulder.

Teddy squirmed round to look at his parents.

“Papa! Dada!”

Mark gave him a solid nod.

“It's alright, we're coming,” he reassured.

Sebastian put his hands on the floor either side to try to push himself up, but Mark shook his head.

“Just let me. Hang on.”

Mark moved to crouch by him, hands back under Seb's arms to hoist him up. Sebastian felt wobbly on his legs, but they were slightly better than they had been earlier. Mark shifted to hold him up with his arm around him as he had before and gave the doctor a nod.

“Right.”

“Okay,” agreed the doctor reluctantly. “Seb are you okay to walk?”

“Yeah,” confirmed Sebastian, despite the fact he was certain he would drop to the floor again if Mark wasn't holding him up.

 

The doctor led them out and Mark walked Sebastian to the edge of the bathroom, Seb's feet just about working to walk along though his legs felt like rubber. As they got near the doorway he stopped, feeling an overwhelming sense of panic descend once more. Seb thought he might have to ask Mark to take him back, but Mark held him tighter into his side as he looked over to see the doctor already on the other side of the room holding the door into the corridor open. Mark leaned in to whisper.

“You can shut your eyes as we walk. I've got you, okay?”

“Okay.”

He hadn't been allowed to close his eyes before, but now Seb took the permission granted and let himself be guided through the bedroom. Dr Phillips saw it, though he hadn't heard Mark's offer, so when they reached him he peered in, alarmed at the fact Seb's eyes were closed.

“Seb?”

“Can we just get out into the corridor mate?” requested Mark.

The doctor stepped out and the other two followed, the door falling shut behind them. Sebastian had reopened his eyes without prompting and looked to see the doctor and Teddy staring at him.

“I'm okay.”

 

 

It wasn't true, but it was enough to get them going so they could traipse all the way along to the lift, back down another corridor and be led into the doctor's bedroom. Mark sat Seb down on the bed and looked to the doctor.

“Thank you for this.”

The doctor wanted to ask what he wasn't being told, but for now his priority had to be checking on his patient. He hitched Teddy up a little thinking he was surprisingly heavy for one so small. Thankfully he hadn't made any more trouble about being carried by someone other than his parents once he saw they were coming with him.

“Okay, Seb I think perhaps if you could lie down?” prompted Dr Phillips.

Sebastian was taking in his new surroundings. This room was on the other side of the building, the configuration narrower and the bathroom on the other side. It was nothing like the other room thank god. He let out a sigh and Mark removed his arm from around him.

“Lie down darling,” Mark instructed.

He helped Seb lean down slowly on his side, then Mark got off the bed and crouched to remove Seb's shoes, lifting his legs up onto the bed for him. He stood and leaned over Seb to stroke his hair.

“Just have a rest, it's okay.”

Mark kissed his temple, then turned and went to take Teddy back from the doctor.

 

“Hey sweetheart, you're being such a good boy.” Mark kissed his son's temple and held him close to reassure him. “Thanks doc.”

“That's okay. Mark...”

Mark shook his head, knowing that the doctor was about to ask. He spoke quietly.

“Please don't press him to explain.”

The doctor opened his mouth but Mark shook his head again.

“Trust me, okay. Can you just check he's alright?”

“Um, sure.”

The doctor picked his bag up that he had deposited when they walked in and went to perch on the bed beside Seb. He thought Sebastian looked even paler now, but as he took his pulse once more he did find that it was steadied slightly, though still too fast. That was something, though things plainly weren't right and the doctor was concerned as to why a fit and healthy man would collapse out of the blue. He had passed out for more than a brief moment and this had been followed by severe vomiting, racing pulse and signs of distress. Not just at having fainted, Dr Phillips was fairly sure of that. Given his knowledge of Seb's history that wasn't a good sign. Nor was the fact that the doctor had treated him following past incidents of losing consciousness.

“Okay Seb I'm going to take your blood-pressure. Just lie down flat for me. Won't take a minute.”

The doctor took the equipment out while Sebastian turned onto his back. Dr Phillips pushed Seb's sleeve up so he could wrap the pressure cuff around his arm to take the reading.

“Seb do you still feel dizzy?” he enquired as he removed the cuff.

Sebastian sighed.

“I dunno. I feel a bit floaty.”

“Floaty?”

“I'll be okay in a minute.”

“Hmm.” The doctor frowned. “Do you still feel nauseous?”

“Not so much.”

“Okay, I'm going to ask you to answer some questions.”

“Doc, I...”

“Just some basics,” reassured Dr Phillips. “I just need to check some things. Now then, what's your full name?”

 

Sebastian relaxed a fraction. He looked up past the doctor to see Mark hovering a couple of feet away, still holding Teddy who had his arms around Mark’s neck, but with his head turned to him. Seb knew he needed to reassure them, so he began answering the doctor's questions; just as he'd said, basic details on his name, date of birth, where he lived and what he did. Seb knew they were to test for cognitive function. Even in the moment Seb knew it was worrying he was so familiar with the process.

“Okay, and can you tell me who is in this room?” continued the doctor.

Sebastian glanced over, trying to give his loved ones a reassuring smile.

“Mark, my husband, and Teddy, our son.”

“Very good.” The doctor smiled. “Do I get a look in?”

“Oh sorry, yeah and you Doc.”

“And my name?”

“Phillips.”

“Good. Okay and where are we?”

The doctor saw something flash across Sebastian's expression. This had to be the root of things. He'd been afraid of that other bedroom, actually genuinely afraid, breathing elevated, eyes wide. Afraid.

“Just generally,” the doctor moderated.

Seb puffed a breath. Where were they? A hotel. A five star, international hotel, just like they normally stayed in at races. They were all much the same. Except they weren't, not entirely. He'd just told himself that. Blanked things out. Dr Menton had told him not to worry that he couldn't recall specific details. He'd explained that trauma sometimes wiped them out. A coping mechanism unconsciously implemented to help him survive. Seb had thought he genuinely couldn't remember, but that memory had been blurred by his mind to protect himself. Then when he'd recognised that room it had all rushed back. A terrible, unstoppable rush.

“Seb can you tell me what country we're in?” pressed the doctor.

Sebastian paused, but he did know. He knew now.

“China.”

 

China. The other side of the world. The team had stayed the night after the race, leaving off catching their long flights back until the morning. Seb hadn't thought anything of it, just gone to bed grateful for a rest after a long day. Qualifying had been a disaster, the race had been hard work to make anything of it. Then all that work with the media and the team even after all that. Two championships on the bounce and people were starting to think things came easy for him, but they didn't. Seb had to work at it more than ever.

He'd been tired by the time he got back to his room. He'd just wanted to sleep. Seb had been half asleep in bed already when he had heard the click of a lock, then the door opening. He'd opened his eyes to see a shaft of light coming from the corridor, the shadow of a figure walking in, a dark outline in too bright a light for his eyes to distinguish at first. It had taken a moment to recognise his trainer in the low light. Heikki. What could Heikki want this late?

As Heikki shut the door behind him Sebastian had flicked on the bedside lamp. If only he'd pretended to be asleep. Maybe then Heikki would have gone away? But Seb knew from bitter later experience that wasn't how it worked.

 

Seb closed his eyes now. The doctor leaned in.

“Seb?”

Sebastian sighed and reopened his eyes.

“Yeah I know where we are. I just need a rest. I'm okay.”

It plainly wasn't true, even if Seb was trying to to persuade himself of it.

“Hmm. I think perhaps it might be an idea to get you properly checked out.”

Seb sighed.

“Doc I just need a rest.”

The doctor nodded, not wanting to add to his stress level by arguing right now.

“Alright. Have a rest then.”

 

The doctor stood up and went to fetch Seb a bottle of water and put it on the bedside drawers. He went to stand with Mark a little way over.

“I need to step out a moment. I'll just be outside the door. Are you alright to sit with him?”

“Of course. Doc what do you think?”

The doctor puffed a breath.

“I am concerned that this could happen and that it affected him so severely. I think it might be an idea to have him taken for some checks.”

“You mean hospital?”

“Mm.”

“Ah Doc he's not going to like that,” cautioned Mark.

“Yes, well.” The doctor paused. “Mark... Can you tell me what might have brought this on? He seemed distressed in your room. Was there a stress event that caused a reaction?”

A stress event, thought Mark. Where to start? He thought he had an idea what had caused this and ‘stress’ didn't cover it. He let out a sigh and hitched Teddy higher in his arms.

“I don't think it's for me to say mate.”

The doctor frowned.

“I need you to tell me so I can treat him Mark.”

Mark looked over to Seb who was lying a few feet away. They were talking quietly, but he might be able to hear. He didn't want to put Seb in danger by misleading the doctor though and Dr Phillips knew enough already that Mark felt he could give some explanation without it feeling a betrayal.

“Look mate it's difficult. You know his past.”

“His past?”

“Mm. We've stayed here before. The team. You too I guess. Years back. Turns out he stayed in that room before and... well, there's some not good associations, okay?”

Mark looked at him and the doctor finally clicked.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. And that is confidential. Right?”

“Right.” Dr Phillips puffed a breath. “I need to talk to Christian.”

Mark wanted to tell him not to, but he knew it was unavoidable. Christian knew Seb’s background and given his role as team boss he was going to have to know what had happened. Mark gave a nod and left the doctor to walk out while he went to sit beside Sebastian on the bed, resting a still quiet Teddy on his knee.

 

Seb tried to sit up but Mark shook his head.

“No darling, just rest.”

“Where's he gone?”

“Making a call to Christian I think.”

“Oh Mark.”

“Sweetheart he has to.”

“What were you talking about?”

Mark looked at him, feeling a little guilty.

“I had to tell him something darling. He needs to look after you.”

“ _Mark_.”

Mark felt awful at him looking even more alarmed at that.

“I had to. Sweetheart I had to.” He took Sebastian’s hand. “I just told him it was to do with your past. That’s all. Nothing more I promise.”

Sebastian sighed and nodded, then he looked to Teddy on Mark's lap. He was so quiet and Seb felt terrible at how this had to be upsetting him.

“It's alright Liebling.”

Teddy pouted and reached for him so Seb shifted over on the bed a little and Mark allowed Teddy to lie down next to him, shuffling in to press up into Sebastian's chest. Seb put his arms around him and cuddled his son in.

“It's okay Schatz, don't be scared. I'm just not feeling very well. I'm sorry.”

“Papa.”

“I know. It's okay.”

 

He kissed Teddy's forehead and held him in, taking as much comfort from it as his son did. Mark moved to sit more on the bed alongside them, then lowered down on his side to lie half propped up onto the pillow so he could see Seb properly. Mark put his arm around to envelope all his family and left off speaking for a while. It was Seb who looked to check Teddy was settled before raising his eyes to Mark, speaking quietly over the top of their son's head.

“Thank you for taking me out of there.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

Sebastian sighed and let go of holding Teddy in with one hand to take Mark's.

“I knew we'd been here before. I just didn't realise until we were in there what had happened there, that it was the same room. I wasn't imagining it Mark, it didn't just look the same, it _was_ the same, I'm sure. The view outside, everything.”

“Darling I wouldn't think you were imagining it.”

“It just crashed in as I realised and then it all came back...”

Mark rubbed over the back of Seb's hand with his thumb.

“It's alright. You don't need to say.”

Sebastian bit his lip and nodded. He took in a deep calming breath, reminding himself that his past was long gone. Teddy looked half-asleep now and Seb pressed another kiss to the top of his blonde head. Their beautiful innocent son. He knew nothing of the horrors in this world and Seb wanted to make sure he never encountered them.

“I don't want Teddy going back in there.”

Mark nodded.

“That's okay. Neither of you have to go in there. It's alright.”

“Thank you.”

Mark squeezed his hand.

“It's alright darling. If I'd had any idea...”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I didn't realise until it was too late. It hit me so hard Liebling. I thought I'd forgotten where it happened, but I'd just blocked it out. Henry said it was a safety mechanism, but...”

 

Seb closed his eyes, trying to block it out again now. He kept slipping back to lying in that bed, the door opening. He had to shut it out, _shut it out_ , not think about what happened after that. It made his skin jump and even trying to avoid it made Seb feel as though a cold sweat was creeping over him. If he thought about it he would start shaking. He mustn't do that. He had to be stronger than that for Teddy's sake. Seb inhaled his son's baby smell, felt his soft little body pressed into him, felt Mark's hand holding his own. Sebastian squeezed Mark's hand.

“It's okay sweetheart,” soothed Mark.

Seb looked at him, feeling the need to make Mark understand. He could feel that horrible panicky heat in his skin and he wanted Mark to try to help make it go away. Seb took a shaky breath.

“I always told myself all hotel rooms were the same. It helped me block out the bad things.”

“Oh god sweetheart, it's alright.”

“It's not. What happened in that room...” Seb swallowed. “Heikki. He just let himself in and I had no idea what was going to happen. I wasn't frightened until it was too late. I didn't know what it meant. It was the first time. I didn't know what he was really like until...”

Sebastian stopped and let go of Mark's hand to rub at his face. He couldn't go on. Couldn't say any more, not with Teddy there, even if he didn't have any understanding of what they were talking about. Seb wasn't sure he could say it anyway. It hurt too much to even think of, never mind verbalise and Mark already knew what he was not saying.

 

Mark looked at Seb in shock. That had happened in there? Jesus Christ. In that very room. Mark had heard the story before, but the horror of knowing they had been in the room where Heikki's first assault occurred was appalling. No wonder Seb had reacted the way he did.

“Oh Seb.”

Sebastian's eyes were watery and Mark tried to pull him a little closer without squashing Teddy between them.

“Even after. I was such a mess Liebling, but I had no idea it would carry on. If I'd known...” Seb closed his eyes trying not to let things overwhelm him again. “I didn't know what to do except keep going.”

Mark nodded and rubbed over Seb's body where he held onto him. He dipped his head closer.

“That's because you're strong darling, because you are brave.”

Seb felt more teary at that, but he focussed on absorbing the comfort Mark offered, the kindness of his words.

“I love you so much Liebling.”

Mark sighed and kissed his forehead.

“I love you too darling.”

 

Mark thought how he would have been in this hotel that night. He couldn't remember which room he'd stayed in, but then he'd had no reason to. How long ago was it? Six years? A lifetime ago and to Seb right now, yesterday. Mark hated that he had paid so little attention to him back then. Seb had told him about that night years ago, told him how he had been left with bruises nobody even noticed. Nobody had cared. Sebastian had been descending into hell and Mark hadn't noticed. Mark raised his hand up to place it by Seb's cheek.

“I feel a bit trembly,” Sebastian admitted.

The heat had dissipated to be replaced with a rush of pins and needles prickling his skin and Seb didn't like how his body was so out of control. Mark gave his arm a rub.

“Do you want some water?” he offered.

Sebastian shook his head.

“Maybe you should take Teddy?”

Mark looked down at their son.

“He's asleep darling.”

Seb checked and sure enough Teddy was fast asleep now. He was used to being with his parents, crawling between them on the sofa, settling in for a cuddle in bed and falling asleep.

“I don't like that I've scared him,” sighed Sebastian.

“He's alright. He doesn't understand. Teddy just wants his papa to be okay.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and dipped his cheek to rest into Teddy's hair. Mark lifted up a bit and saw a blanket folded over the end of the bed.

“Hang on a sec sweetheart.”

 

Mark sat up and reached for the blanket, unfolding it and tucking it around both Sebastian and Teddy. He leaned in to kiss Sebastian's forehead.

“Just have a rest darling, okay? Don't think about anything, just rest. Everything's okay. I'm here. You'll feel better in a bit.”

He lay propped on his side, watching over the pair of them; two blonde heads, his family. His to love and protect. Mark wished he had started protecting Seb far sooner, but the past could not be undone. He put his arm around them both once more and watched as Sebastian closed his eyes and relaxed enough to fall into a drained sleep.

Mark puffed out a quiet breath, not wanting to disturb them. It had been such a long time since Seb had suffered a real full-on panic attack or fainted, not since long before Teddy was born, but then there hadn't been any cause.

Mark was thankful that he was at least here. He didn't want to imagine how this could have gone if Seb had come here alone. It didn’t bear thinking about, so Mark shut that idea off. He had been there. He was here now. For now all he could do was watch over them, so that was what he would do. Mark gazed across at his loved ones; tousled fair hair, round cheeks pressed down against the bed, blue eyes closed, both breathing steadily, but one mind untroubled and innocently napping, the other tormented and sleeping due to emotional exhaustion.

He gently kissed the top of his son’s head, then very carefully ghosted a hand over his husband's hair.

“It’s okay,” Mark whispered, “I’m here. Just rest darling. Just rest. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

Sebastian didn’t stir, nor did Teddy, so Mark just resumed watching over them. He hadn’t been there for Seb back then when he had desperately needed someone. Thank god at least he was here now.

“I love you. I love you both so much. We’ll be okay.”

Though he kept his voice soft, Mark hoped the words soaked in to make them feel safe and loved. He hoped that when they woke things would seem better, but for now it was best that they slept.

 

 

* * *

 


	254. Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All these recent chapters basically run into one another...

 

* * *

 

 

The door opened and Mark sat up as the doctor came back in, frowning at the sight of Seb with his eyes shut. Mark read his expression and shook his head, getting up off the bed to go speak with him on the other side of the room.

“He's just resting mate. Seb needs to sleep.”

Dr. Phillips was still looking over at the pair huddled on his bed. Sebastian did at least seem peaceful.

“Mark I have to say I'm concerned about what happened.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“Mm. He seemed very distressed.”

“Yeah.” Mark puffed a breath. “Look Doc I think you know enough to understand he'd have good cause.”

The doctor rubbed at his face.

“You can't tell me more?”

Mark shook his head.

“I really can't. It's a matter of trust. He's my husband. I can't betray him. That would only upset him more and that's the last thing we need.”

“Okay.” The doctor glanced over to Seb, thinking how Mark’s only hint had been that it was to do with his past. That sounded like one thing to his mind, so he spoke even more quietly just in case Sebastian could hear them. “Heikki I presume?”

Mark just looked at him.

“Please don't ask him about that,” he requested.

“Alright. I'm just trying to understand what caused this.”

 

Mark still said nothing, but Dr. Phillips took enough from his silence to know he was correct in his guess. He thought about the day four years back when he had been brought to Mark's house to examine Sebastian after he had fled there and they had learned the truth about what had been happening to him. Or at least as much of the truth as Christian could tell him and Dr Phillips could work out himself from the state of Seb when he saw what was hidden on his body. He didn't think he'd ever forget seeing those terrible bruises all over him, the look in Seb's eyes and his demeanour when he tried asking more. Those dreadful dark marks at his wrists that hinted at things Sebastian couldn't speak of. The doctor understood enough to know when questioning only made things worse.

 

“Okay, well even identifying emotional stress as the cause I am still concerned that Sebastian passed out and stayed out. Moreover the extremity of his post-event reaction is of concern. His pulse-rate, blood-pressure level, elevated breathing, disorientation, and extreme vomiting. He was very weak Mark, you have to know this isn't good. And out again now isn't a good indication, even if he is only sleeping.”

“Yeah mate I get that.”

Mark paused, wondering if he really should tell the doctor about the panic attacks Seb was vulnerable to, but he knew that Seb would not forgive him if the team found out.

“Alright, well given his history, and I mean medical history, I am of the opinion that it would be wise to be extra-cautious. I've spoken to Christian,” continued Dr Phillips.

“What did you tell him?” interrupted Mark, worrying on Seb's behalf.

“I told him what happened Mark. It's my duty.”

Mark puffed a breath, knowing Dr Roberts didn’t have much choice.

“Okay.”

“He's on his way back here, but I think we may need to take Seb for some tests.”

“Ah Doc.”

“I'm sorry Mark, I know he won't like it, but whether it's a few years back or not, Sebastian has suffered prior heart and neurological problems and we can't ignore that.”

“That was the accident.”

“I'm well aware of that Mark, but do you think it's something we should risk?”

Mark opened his mouth, then closed it again.

“I understand Sebastian won't like it,” conceded Dr Phillips, “but we have to be sure he hasn't suffered anything more serious.”

“Jesus,” sighed Mark.

“I'm sorry Mark. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just concerned that we ensure Sebastian has the care he needs. I appreciate that he's exhausted right now and needs rest, but when Christian gets here we're going to have to discuss it, as we are what we decide after that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well it's a race weekend.” Dr Phillips glanced over to Sebastian lying prone on the bed. “I couldn't recommend Sebastian gets in the car to drive right now, never mind race.”

Mark sighed. In all this he had managed to actually forget the reason they were here.

“Right. Okay well for now he needs to rest.”

The doctor nodded.

“Thank you by the way,” Mark remembered to say. “Sorry. I do appreciate it. I'm just... I don't know.”

“Your concern is for Seb. I understand that Mark. He is my concern too.”

“Yeah I know.” Mark looked over to where Seb and Teddy were fast asleep. “You've given up your bed and everything.”

Dr Phillips shook his head.

“He needs rest, then we'll work out what we're doing.”

“Okay.”

“I will try to be sensitive about it Mark. I'm not going to interrogate him.”

“Thank you.”

 

 

 

It was half an hour before Christian arrived, knocking on the door to be let in by Dr Phillips. As he entered the room Christian took in the sight of Sebastian apparently out cold on the bed, tucked under a blanket with Teddy alongside, Mark sat next to both of them on vigil. On seeing that he was even more concerned, but looking over, Mark simply gave him a nod.

“He's just asleep,” explained Dr Phillips.

“Oh right.”

Christian puffed a breath of relief. Sebastian looked very pale to him though and he could see that Mark looked worried.

“So what do you think Doc?” Christian enquired quietly.

The doctor sighed and indicated that they should stand further away from the group on the bed. When he spoke it was with a quiet voice.

“I think we would be doing Sebastian a disservice to ignore this.”

“You think he needs hospitalising?”

“I think he needs some tests running. Mostly I imagine they will prescribe rest which is what he's doing now, but...”

He looked over at Sebastian lying on the bed.

“I find the extremity of his reaction concerning. Seb is completely wiped out.”

Christian puffed a breath.

“Thank god he's not due in the car tomorrow.”

“I'm not sure he's getting in a car at all this weekend,” stated the doctor.

Christian looked to him.

“Are you serious?”

“I think this _is_ serious. As a doctor my duty is not foremost to the team Christian, it is to my patient. As it always should have been.”

Christian frowned at that comment.

“You expect me to put the team first?” challenged Dr Phillips.

“No. I...” Christian shook his head. “You said this was provoked by something in their hotel room?”

“No I believe it was provoked by the room itself. Something from the past that occurred in there. It seems Sebastian stayed in that same room before. Whatever it is that happened neither of them will discuss it, so I'm afraid we may presume what, or rather _who,_ that is about. I don't think it's helpful to focus on that. We need to make sure Sebastian is actually alright, both in terms of physical cause and any consequence. If you had seen the state he was in earlier I don't think you would be questioning this.”

“I'm not questioning it. You're the doctor and of course Seb's well-being is the priority. I'm not trying to say otherwise.”

“Good.”

Christian looked over to the family group on the bed. He'd seen Seb in a bad way before, but not like this, certainly not prior to a race. When the doctor had described what had happened Christian had been alarmed and he was hardly reassured by the doctor's answers now he was here, nor the appearance of his driver, but Christian knew that must be nothing to what Mark was feeling. He didn't doubt that Mark's first response would be to want to take Seb home, though knowing Seb's stubbornness Christian suspected he wouldn't want to hear of it. Neither of them were likely to be keen on a hospital visit. He caught Mark's eye and went over.

 

“What were you saying?” Mark asked.

“I was just asking him for an update,” explained Christian.

“Hmm.”

Dr Phillips came to stand with them and was about to add something when Sebastian's eyes opened slowly and he looked up, confused to see all these people around him and wondering for a moment where he was again. He went to sit up but Mark shook his head.

“No darling just rest.”

Sebastian sighed, but the memory of what had gone on earlier was kicking in and he felt so heavy now he didn't think he could lift off the bed if he tried. Instead he lay limply back as the doctor stepped in to check him over once more. When he was done Dr Phillips paused, then glanced to Christian before looking back to Seb and Mark.

“Sebastian I think we need to take you for a few tests,” stated the doctor.

“You really think it's necessary?” asked Mark.

“I do.”

Mark rubbed at his jaw, then turned to Seb.

“Maybe it's best sweetheart? Just get a few tests and then we'll know you're okay.”

Seb just looked back at him. He wanted to argue but he didn't have it in him.

“Okay?” pressed Mark, giving Seb's arm a rub.

“'kay,” agreed Sebastian quietly.

Mark nodded and looked up to the doctor, giving him a nod as well.

“Right, let me make some calls,” decided Dr Phillips.

He walked away and Christian was left standing awkwardly beside them.

“Um, Seb, I'm sorry about this. I'm sure if we just get things checked out it'll seem better.”

Sebastian made no reply and Christian wondered if things were that bad that he ought to be making calls himself. He hadn't told the team about this yet. All that would do would be to start up the rumour mill and they could all do without that. He hadn't even spoken to Britta seeing as she was busy doing prep work with the media; The last place Christian had wanted to go with this kind of news.

 

The noise of adults talking woke Teddy up and he pulled at the blanket covering him to free himself, Mark reaching in to scoop him up into his arms.

“Hey there buddy.”

Teddy pouted and frowned, not knowing where they were or what was going on. Mark sat him on his knee and as Seb saw their son looking at him he managed to shuffle up against the pillow to at least sit half up.

“Everything's fine Liebling. We just had a little nap.”

“Papa?”

Teddy stretched out a hand and Seb reached to take it. His arm felt heavy but he managed to give Teddy a smile.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” replied Teddy.

Sebastian smiled more naturally at his son speaking to him. Teddy didn't have many words in his vocabulary yet, but they were trying to encourage his talking.

“Hi Teddy. Did you have a nice nap?”

“Ap,” echoed Teddy.

“That's right Schatz.”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“What time is it?”

“Now you're asking.” Mark shifted Teddy to allow him to check his watch. “Um, here we're just on five.”

“He'll be hungry.”

Mark leaned his head around to look at Teddy.

“Are you hungry little man?”

Teddy merely waved his arms around and babbled, so Seb let go of him while Mark stood up with Teddy.

 

“Your Uncle Christian's here Teddy,” introduced Mark.

“Hi Teddy.”

“Hi.”

Christian smiled, thinking what a friendly little fellow his godson was. He reached and gave Teddy's round cheek a chub, then looked to Mark.

“Can I help?”

“Umm, actually mate yeah.”

Mark went over to find Teddy's bag and directed Christian to find a jar of food. At home they'd do better than that, and more and more their son ate a version of what they were having, but when travelling needs must and they always kept emergency supplies to hand. Dr. Phillips had stepped outside again so Mark looked around the room for where the amenities were.

“Ah. Kettle. Can you boil it and stick this in a mug with hot water to warm up?” requested Mark.

“Sure.”

While they waited for the kettle to boil Mark set Teddy down on the far side of the room and dug out a toy from the bag for him to play with. Dr Phillips came back in and between them they started making arrangements to get to the hospital. Sebastian sat propped on the bed feeling oddly passive. There was no point protesting.

 

Teddy came to the side of the bed by him and stood holding the bedcovers so Seb distracted himself talking to him until Mark came over with the jar of warmed food and a spoon. He lifted Teddy up to sit on his knee on the bed, only occasionally having to wipe away goop from his son's chin with tissue, which wasn't bad seeing as Teddy regularly got food all over the floor and himself at home. Then again at home he tended to feed himself these days, but Mark didn’t want to cause even more disruption by making a mess of the doctor’s room. As Mark managed giving Teddy another spoonful of what the jar of toddler food purported to be 'organic lamb casserole' despite the lack of evidence of anything other than lumpy beige goo, he looked over to Seb.

“Christian's sorting getting our stuff brought up so we'll sort out a bag to take with us to the hospital, okay?”

Sebastian wanted to say he didn't need to go, but it was a done deal now.

“Okay.”

“We'll take some stuff, just in case.”

Seb nodded, then a thought occurred to him as he considered the member of staff sent in there.

“The carpet.”

Mark gave Seb a smile at still managing to think of such things.

“The good doctor rang housekeeping. I'll send them a tip. Don't worry about it darling.”

Sebastian let out a long breath and set his head back. He hated feeling like an invalid, but he hated even more thinking about what had brought this about. He suspected Christian had been told more than he was letting on, but at least he wasn't mentioning it. The last thing Seb wanted to do was talk about things. It was a comfort to know that he could be trusted to keep this confidential, not for the sake of the team, but for Seb himself as a friend of the family.

The alternative to talking seemed to be sitting back and allowing other people to take charge. Seb hadn't the energy to fight, so he let them arrange things. He took Teddy back to sit with him as Mark sorted through their things when they appeared to make sure their go-to travel bags had whatever Mark could think they might need.

Then before he knew it they were off, the doctor checking Seb was okay to walk to the car before helping him up with Mark while Christian took Teddy. Despite Sebastian saying he was okay, he was grateful for the arm Mark kept wrapped tight around his waist and when they got down to the car Seb felt tired. _Tired_ to walk perhaps 200 feet? Worse than that by the time they actually got to the hospital Seb genuinely felt exhausted and couldn't pretend otherwise to the doctors who examined him there.

 

Once again he was in no position to protest about any of it, and the feeling of powerlessness unnerved Seb when he already felt vulnerable. It was some comfort that the doctors spoke English and he answered their questions, thankful when Mark and Dr Phillips stepped in to answer points for him when he clammed up. He understood why these new doctors were asking about what had brought on his collapse, but Seb couldn't speak of it with anyone other than Mark.

It was Dr Phillips who explained that he had suffered what he described as a stress-overload and moved them on to say they were more concerned with the consequences. It didn't help that being in this situation only added to the stress Sebastian was feeling. He knew it pushed all their readings up and made things look worse. Before long Seb was having to submit to CT and MRI scans, before being hooked up to the ECG to monitor his heart. Anything involving an acronym was never good in this environment, though thankfully none of the tests revealed anything dramatic.

 

Christian was left taking care of his godson in the waiting area outside Seb’s room, attempting to feed him a banana from the baby bag Mark had given him. He'd rung Britta before they left so she arrived not too long later, though she was more concerned with how Seb was doing than offering to help babysit. She was even less keen when Teddy needed a nappy change, so Christian had to muddle through that on his own with Britta merely screwing up her nose from a safe distance as Christian knelt over his wailing godson on the changing mat. Doing this on the floor of the waiting room wasn't ideal but Christian had looked for an alternative and it seemed the only baby facilities were in the women's toilets and he didn't fancy having to explain why he was in there, particularly seeing as he didn't speak the language. Once he was done Christian jigged Teddy in his arms, trying to calm him while he found a bin suitably far away.

When he returned Teddy had calmed a little and Christian sat back down nearer to Britta.

“Is he alright?” enquired Britta, looking at the now snivelling infant.

Christian sat Teddy on his knee and gave his back a rub as he had seen Seb and Mark do.

“I think he's just missing his parents.”

“Mm. Speaking of which do you think we should go in and ask?”

Christian gave a little shake of his head. Seb had been brought back from another test and they'd heard nothing, but he didn't think it right to intrude.

“Christian have you even spoken to Helmut or anyone about this?” pressed Britta.

“Not yet. Let's just wait and see what they say.”

Britta frowned. Even in the brief moment she'd had been allowed into the hospital room to say hello to Sebastian she had been struck by his washed-out appearance. She was about to suggest that they at least check how things were going when her phone started buzzing in her pocket. It was the office back in Milton Keynes calling. She flicked it off thinking she had more important things to deal with, but a minute later her phone started up again with the same number. That couldn't signify anything good.

“I think I'd better take this,” she excused. “Back in a bit.”

 

Ten minutes later she reappeared with a grim expression on her face and her phone still in her hand. Christian frowned.

“What is it?”

“It's out.”

“What?”

“This. Somehow. God only knows how, but it's leaked onto the internet and they've got at least one newspaper that's sharing it online already.”

Britta made the inverted commas sign as she said 'newspaper' and Christian knew what that meant; a gossip rag, happy to use unconfirmed sources whilst excusing it with the preface 'rumour has it' to distance themselves from any blame.

“How the hell have they picked this up?”

Britta shrugged.

“How do they ever?”

“The only person I have told outside of that room is you,” pointed out Christian. “I don't even think they've told their families yet.”

“Yeah well they'd better get on it.”

“But how has this got out? We're in China for godsake.”

“Got the internet here too. Has to be someone in the hospital.”

Christian's mouth went into a thin line. Was nothing sacred? Apparently not.

“How bad is it?” he enquired.

Britta held up her phone on which she had pulled up the offending headline:

 

_**'F1 Star Rushed to Hospital In China:** _

_Ex-Champ racing driver Sebastian Vettel-Webber is reported to have collapsed in Shanghai ahead of this weekend's upcoming grand prix and is said to now be in intensive care at a local hospital. No explanation or further details have been given by his team; RedBull Racing.'_

 

Christian opened his mouth about to say something short and to the point when he remembered his godson sat on his lap and sighed, keeping his anger internal.

“Jane was ringing to ask if she should be putting out a denial,” explained Britta.

“Right. What did you tell her?”

“I told her to say nothing for now, but obviously we're going to have to do something.”

“Mm.”

“Apart from anything else they need to speak to their families before this spreads.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

 

Christian puffed a breath then shifted Teddy to hold him properly so he could stand up. He went to the door of the private room where Sebastian was being treated and knocked. It was Dr Phillips who came to answer, Christian standing back enough so Teddy couldn't see inside the room, a; because he guessed that as soon as he saw his parents Teddy would start fussing for them and b; because it might be upsetting to suddenly see Seb on a hospital bed being treated. Christian shifted the toddler to the other side and spoke quietly.

“How's it going?”

The doctor glanced back into the room before speaking.

“They want to monitor him for a while.”

“What does that mean?”

Dr Phillips stepped outside of the room to continue.

“Basically I think it means they're covering themselves,” he confided. “Maybe it's best? Can't hurt to keep an eye on him.”

“Mm, okay. Do you think I can get to speak to them?”

“Um, I should think so. One moment.”

 

The doctor went in and returned with a nod, so Christian passed Teddy over to Britta and entered the room. He paused the moment he crossed the threshold. The sight greeting him was more than he had been expecting and Christian was glad he hadn't allowed Teddy to have the same shock he had at seeing Seb lying there with heart monitors attached to his chest. Somehow though he knew they were checking Sebastian's heart, it was still a nasty surprise to see all those wires stuck to him and Christian realised he had misinterpreted what Dr Phillips had said about him resting. It didn't look a million miles away from those reports of Sebastian being in intensive care and it crossed Christian's mind that an orderly entering the room might have made an interpretation of what he saw and decided to share his little discovery, quite possibly for profit.

Christian walked to the side of the bed where Mark sat holding onto Seb's hand. It struck an unpleasant parallel in Christian's mind and he was sure that wasn't lost on Mark either as his expression remained fixed. Christian gave the Chinese doctor a nod, then addressed Sebastian.

“Sebi, how're you feeling?”

“I'm okay. Where's Teddy?”

“Britta's looking after him for a sec. He's fine. He's being very good,” assured Christian.

“He's fine sweetheart,” added Mark, not wanting Seb to get any more stressed.

Christian paused. He looked at the heart monitor showing its little digital blips and wondered how to say this without causing it to go into over-drive.

“Um, so I was wondering if you might want me to get in touch with your families to let them know how things are?” he offered.

Sebastian and Mark looked to one another. They hadn't actually thought about that seeing as their minds had been fixed on more immediate issues.

“I don't want to worry them,” Seb replied.

“Mm, it's just we may need to put out a statement,” explained Christian.

“A statement?”

“Why?” asked Mark.

“Well... um.” Christian looked to Dr Phillips who was speaking with the hospital doctor who remained in the room, then back to Seb. “Do we have any kind of idea how long they are wanting to keep you in?”

“Not really.”

“Mm.”

Mark frowned.

“Christian what's this about? Why are you wanting to put a statement out?”

Christian sighed.

“I'm sorry. Look you know how things are. I just think it's best we head off any gossip.”

“What gossip?”

Christian didn't answer at first, then he noticed the spike in Seb's heart monitor and cursed both himself and whoever had leaked that information.

“I'm sorry, but somehow it's got out that you're here. I've no idea how.”

“You're kidding?” sighed Mark.

Sebastian closed his eyes. He hated the idea of the world knowing of his weaknesses.

“It's really just gossip,” mollified Christian, “but I think it would be best to set things straight. Britta can put something simple out, it doesn't have to say much.”

Seb was looking back at him.

“But it'll confirm I'm in here.”

Mark rubbed over his hand with his thumb.

“If it's already out there we can't deny it. We should call your family.”

Sebastian pushed out a calming breath. He saw the way the two doctors were focussed on the monitors which he wanted to say were ridiculous, but he could feel his heart beating faster and knew they were seeing the same thing. Seb thought all he needed was a lie down for a while and to wipe from his mind what had happened earlier. Admittedly that was easier said than done, but it felt as though all this was spiralling. He didn't want to spin up again so Seb took slow breaths to calm himself.

 

“Okay, we'll call them,” Seb agreed. He looked to Mark. “Yours too.”

“Yeah.”

Christian turned to the doctors.

“Can we arrange to make some phone calls?”

“The hospital doctor shook his head.

“Not from in here I am afraid. The equipment...”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“You can go do it. It's okay.”

Mark paused. He didn't want to leave Seb, but if he went out he could take Teddy and Mark didn't like that their son had been away from them for so long even if he was only a couple of feet away in safe hands.

“Are you sure?”

Seb nodded.

“Yeah I'm okay.”

Mark thought he could beg to differ, but Seb would probably feel better to know his family were being spoken to directly by him.

“Alright, I won't be long. Christian can you stay here?”

“Course.”

Mark gave Seb's hand another rub then got up, heading out to collect Teddy and go outside to make some quick calls, or as quick as he could manage when Seb's mother started panicking at hearing her son was in hospital.

“Heike he's going to be fine,” promised Mark. “He just felt unwell and the doctor wanted to be completely sure there was nothing to worry about.”

“And the tests were clear?”

“Absolutely. He's just having a rest.”

“How did this happen?” cut in Norbert.

Mark puffed a silent breath. It was difficult to explain without either betraying Seb or lying.

“He just got faint. He'll be fine I'm sure.”

“Are they keeping him in?”

“I don't know yet.”

“That doesn't sound good,” pointed out Heike. “Can't we talk to him?”

“I've had to come outside to call you. I'm sorry. Teddy's here though, do you want to say hello? Teddy it's Oma and Opa. Say hi darling.”

Mark held the phone by his son and prompted him again, mouthing 'hi' until Teddy dutifully repeated it, successfully distracting his grandparents as they fussed over talking to him despite the fact that all Teddy said in reply was incomprehensible babble.

Mark left it long enough to hopefully let them calm down, then took the phone back to reassure his in-laws that he would call them back if he had anything and they in turn said they would call their other children. Mark thanked them and disconnected the call, then changed his mind and called Fabian whom he thought was most likely to stumble across the gossip online. He knew his brother-in-law would worry and seeing as Fabian was at university now the odds on someone coming up and sharing the news were even higher, so Mark got in there first, having to work almost as hard to keep him calm and reassured as he had his mother.

Then Mark rang his own parents and took some relief in the fact that they spent more time reassuring him. He considered calling his sister but it felt as though he had been away from Seb for too long, so he asked his mum to call her and made do with an apologetic text, knowing Leanne wouldn't hold it against him. That done, he put his phone away and looked to his son.

“Right kiddo we're all sorted. Shall we go check on Papa?”

“Papa.”

Mark smiled.

“Yeah that's right. I think he'll want to see you bud.”

 

Mark paused in the waiting area outside the hospital room, letting Britta know he had spoken to their families.

“Okay, thank you. I'll knock something together to go out,” she replied.

“What's out there?” enquired Mark.

Britta shook her head.

“Ah you know what the internet is. Don't worry about it. We'll damp it down.”

“Okay.” Mark puffed a breath. “Thanks for watching this little guy before.”

“Oh it was only five minutes. Christian did most of it. Even changed his nappy which isn't a sight I ever thought to see.”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“Not sure he knew that was the deal when he agreed to be godfather.” He smiled at Teddy. “Still in one piece aren't you mate?”

Teddy merely rested his head down on his shoulder and Mark reflected that despite his earlier nap Teddy must be tired and very confused by all that was going on. He gave Britta a nod and walked towards the door, looking to his son.

“Alright sweetheart, now Papa's having a lie down cos he's feeling a bit poorly, but there's nothing to worry about. There's some funny machines in there but it's all just to look after him, okay darling?”

Teddy just looked at his father uncomprehendingly with his big blue eyes and Mark sighed. Maybe it was best he had no idea what was going on? Mark suspected that seeing Sebastian in a hospital bed hooked up to machines frightened him more than it would their son. He gave Teddy a reassuring smile and a quick kiss on the cheek, then walked in.

 

“Hey. Someone wanted to say hello.”

Sebastian looked over, tempted to say that Teddy ought to be kept outside, but he did want to see his son too and now he was in here it felt wrong to send him away.

“Hello Liebling.”

Mark sat down beside the bed, pausing to lean Teddy over so Seb could give him a kiss on the cheek.

“Say hi to Papa,” encouraged Mark.

“Hi,” repeated Teddy, wondering why saying that seemed to make people so happy.

“Hi Schatz.”

Mark sat Teddy on his lap and glanced over to Christian who was now talking with both doctors over in the corner.

“Okay so I spoke to your mum and dad and Fabe, they said they'd call Stef and Mel so I hope that's okay.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Thank you. Are they alright?”

Mark didn't want to lie to Seb.

“Well your mum did suggest flying out here but I persuaded her you'd be alright.”

“Oh god.”

“She's fine darling. She's just your mum, she worries.”

“Mm, I guess.”

“My mum sends her love. Dad too, but they're all fine. It's sorted, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Britta's sticking something together to put out.”

Seb just nodded. Nothing to be done about it. Instead he focussed his attention on Teddy, smiling for him and reaching to give his leg a rub.

“Missed you Teddy. Did Uncle Christian and Tante Britta look after you alright?”

Mark gave Seb a flick of his eyebrows.

“Uncle Christian even changed his nappy apparently.”

“Really?”

“Mm.”

Mark looked down at Teddy, but the clothes he was wearing all looked neatly put back on and he had to trust the nappy was fixed securely. They'd know about it before long if it wasn't. Bless Christian for helping. It didn't hurt at all to have him as Teddy's godfather.

Christian came back over and Mark gave him a smile.

“Thanks for the nappy duty.”

“Oh. Yeah no problem. So Mark are we sorted?”

“Yeah mate.”

“Okay. I'll go get a word with Britta.”

 

Five minutes later the pair of them were in, showing Sebastian a short statement which they could put out just as soon as Christian had bitten the bullet and rung the RedBull hierarchy to give them some news they weren't going to like. At least he could trust that neither Helmut nor Dietrich spent any of their time on Twitter and so were unlikely to have stumbled on anything.

“So that's okay?” checked Britta.

Seb and Mark read over the message she had written using her iPhone notepad.

 

“ _Shanghai, 4_ _th_ _April 2018 – RedBull Racing Update_

_Statement regarding driver Sebastian Vettel-Webber:_

_After being taken ill at his hotel in Shanghai prior to the Chinese Grand Prix, we can confirm that Sebastian Vettel-Webber has been brought to a local hospital in order for precautionary checks to be run including CT, MRI and ECG tests which have all proved clear. His condition is stable and he is accompanied by his family while a thorough analysis is completed by doctors to ensure his health is prioritised. He is being kept in hospital under observation for the time-being._

_The team wish Sebastian a rapid recovery and will act on medical advice as to whether he will be participating in the grand prix this weekend._

_Further updates will follow when we have more information to share._

_RedBull Racing”_

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath and nodded acceptance to Britta and Christian. He hated that people would be speculating about him, but if it was out there then this was all they could do.

“Okay. Mark?” checked Britta.

“That's fine. Thanks Britta.”

“Okay then, once Christian says go I'll speak to the PR team at the factory and they can send it out as a press release.”

“Thanks,” offered Sebastian.

Britta nodded back. She knew there was an extent to which this would add fuel to the fire and there would be headlines aplenty tomorrow, but at least this sober factual statement ought to dampen down melodramatic talk of Seb being in intensive care as if he was at death's door. He clearly wasn't looking great, but he was sat up and talking which was a damn sight better than she had seen previously.

 

Another twenty minutes later and everything was sorted out.

Except that it really wasn't. Britta was stuck outside on her phone, fending off the media interest which had predictably exploded in the wake of their press release. Christian was feeling thoroughly pissed off with Helmut Marko, who on being informed that Sebastian's was in hospital as the result of collapsing at the hotel, seemed less concerned with their driver’s health and more concerned that Christian find out whether or not he would be racing and already seemed to be planning who would take Seb's place. At least Dietrich had been more sympathetic, asking Christian to pass on his best wishes and offers of any assistance needed, but he too had pressed him as to what had brought it on, which Christian couldn't answer given the only hints he had were of a nature that could not be shared. All he could do was essentially repeat the information that had gone into the statement.

Now he stood with Dr Phillips in the waiting area, both of them nursing a coffee. Christian puffed out a long breath.

“So how're we looking do you reckon?” he enquired.

The doctor took a much needed sip of coffee then shook his head.

“I think he's essentially going to be alright.”

“I can hear a _but_ there,” noted Christian.

Dr Phillips gave a tip of his head.

“If they decide to keep him in overnight I have to say I don't think I could recommend he drives this weekend.”

Christian sighed.

“Really?”

Dr Phillips gave him a look.

“You know what Sebastian is like for saying he is fine.”

“Mm.”

“I don't think he's as fine as he is making out right now.”

“Oh great.”

“Well you want me to be honest don't you?” challenged the doctor.

“Of course I do.” Christian huffed out a long breath. “You're right. It's no good Seb forcing himself. If he's not in a state to drive he'd be a danger to himself and others.”

“Hmm, I mean he might be alright by Sunday if he had a decent rest.”

“Ah Doc you know that's not how it works.”

“I know,” acknowledged the doctor.

“So you're really saying he can't race,” Christian pointed out.

“I think it might be better all round if he doesn't.”

Christian sighed and Dr Phillips looked a him.

“Look if you'd seen Seb lying on that bathroom floor earlier.”

Christian shook his head. From the doctor's description it sounded far worse than he had seen even during the bad times of the past. Bloody Heikki finding a way to mess Seb up from beyond the grave. Christian didn't want to think what it could be that had happened in that room that had caused such a reaction in Seb, but it had to be serious. All those years ago and right under their noses. He imagined Mark wanted the opportunity to kill Heikki all over again. Christian would quite like to do so himself.

 

Christian took a deep breath. He knew what he had to do. He should stop worrying about being a team manager and remember he was dealing with a person he was responsible for and one he counted as a friend at that. He should make sure Seb got the medical care he needed, then send him home, let Mark look after him. There was surely no way he could go back to that hotel anyway. In future he'd have to find a way to direct the logistics team to go back to booking the other one where they had stayed for the past few years. Why had they even changed? Must have been over-booked. Christian resolved to have a quiet word. He could find a reason to give as to why the other one was better for them.

“Okay, I'll talk to him,” he agreed. “Of course you're right Doc. It's just a race. It isn't what matters in the end. Thank you and thank you for doing so much to look out for him. I'm sure Seb appreciates it.”

Dr Phillips shrugged.

“My job. If I'd been doing it properly five or six years ago we might not be here right now.”

Christian shook his head.

“That's on all of us. It's past. We can only deal with what we've got now. Seb can go home, rest up with his family and hopefully put this behind him, as much as is possible anyway.”

“I think that's best.”

“Right.”

Christian put down his coffee decisively and got up to tackle matters. Seb might not like it but Mark would back him up. If Seb forced himself to drive they'd be nervous wrecks all weekend, and if anything happened Christian wouldn't forgive himself. Bigger picture time, and if Helmut didn't like it he could go screw himself.

 

 

 

Several hours later Mark still sat by Sebastian's bedside. Seb hadn't been too happy at being told by the doctors that he had to stay overnight, even less when Christian had suggested it would be best that when he was presumably discharged in the morning they head home. He would have argued it was unnecessary, but it was hard to do so when a machine by his bed was attached to him, busily measuring his heart-rate and blood-pressure. Moreover with Teddy watching on Seb hadn't wanted to make a scene. His mouth had opened to say he was fine when he looked at his son and at Mark holding him. Seb couldn't miss the concern on Mark face. All this had to be stressful for him too.

Sebastian considered his options; he could override both the hospital and the team doctor and discharge himself. Then where would he go? Back to the hotel? Even thinking about that sent the cardiogram spiking upwards. Mark had squeezed his hand and told him it would all be okay and the sound of his husband's voice, the touch of his hand, the sight of him holding their son, was enough. Seb had nodded and agreed to it all, lying back to let all worries go and just allow himself look forward to going home.

 

Once that was decided he really did just want to be home already. People were making arrangements and Sebastian simply let them. Christian made his calls then eventually left, promising that he would come by in the morning before heading to the circuit. Britta sat outside the room dealing with the media fallout via the hospital wi-fi. Dr Phillips turned down Christian's offer to give him a lift back to the hotel and stayed, helping to arrange some warm milk for Teddy to drink as well as some food and getting a cot brought for him to sleep in, before going back to sit outside with Britta.

Sebastian had simply checked out. For hours he had veered between feeling stressed to the point of overload and switching off, now the latter took over again and as he watched Mark give Teddy his milk to get him to sleep for the night it was Seb that fell asleep, not their little boy.

As Teddy finished drinking his milk, Mark set the sippy-cup on the floor beside them and gave him a smile.

“Papa's sleeping darling. Will you go down for a sleep too?”

Teddy pouted and clung to him so Mark sighed and stroked over his son's back.

“Guess not.”

“Da-da.”

“Shh now. Don't wake Papa.”

Mark shifted him up to lie against his chest thinking of all the nights he had done this. He could use their rocking chair right now, but this plastic seat would have to do. Teddy burbled more quietly and Mark put his cheek by his son's, leaning only gently his own rough stubbled face by his son's soft baby roundness. He needed a shave. That would have to wait until they got home though. At least they were going home. Mark had expected Seb to resist the idea, but perhaps it was a reflection of how badly things had affected him that he hadn't? Thank god they had the plane and could simply get their belongings sent there ready to go so they could set off as soon as they were released from here.

“Home soon kiddo,” Mark whispered. “Everything will be okay when we're home.”

Teddy let out a little noise and Mark shushed him gently. He stroked his hand over Teddy's back and began quietly humming a tune to soothe him. Slowly Teddy's head slipped onto his father's shoulder. Mark looked to be sure he was asleep. He continued to stroke over his back for a while, taking a comfort in it himself, then Mark stood and carried Teddy over to the loaned cot, carefully placing him in and tucking his blanket they had remembered to bring around him so it felt and smelled familiar.

 

Mark watched over his sleeping son saying a silent prayer of thanks that he had been really very good through this all told. Mark didn't know how he would have coped if Teddy had screamed and fussed the entire time, as he might well given how alarming it had been for Mark, never mind their small son. Christian had surprised them by actually offering to look after Teddy for the night, but though they trusted him and knew the offer to be very kind given how much he no doubt had to do (even more so now he had to find a replacement diver and deal with all the consequences), they couldn't bear to be separated from Teddy, despite a hospital room not being an ideal place for him to stay in.

Teddy had never been parted from both of his parents at once for a night since he came to them. Seb had been away a few times last year and Mark had endured being parted from him for the first time only last week. It had come as more of a shock than Mark had expected, but given the choice Mark would take the broken night with his family every time. Later in the year there were two weekends when F1 and WEC clashed and then they really would have to face being parted while Teddy braved being fussed over by adoring grandparents for a few days, but they weren't there yet. What had happened this weekend only proved to Mark how important it was that they should stay together whenever possible.

“You're a good boy,” praised Mark quietly. “Our good boy. Thank you.”

He kissed his hand and leaned in to gently press it to the top of Teddy's head, pausing to brush the soft blonde hair neatly to the side before lifting his hand away.

“Night Teddy. Do me one more favour and sleep through, there's a good lad.”

Mark looked at him for another moment and then went back to sit beside the bed, reaching to place his hand around Seb's.

 

A darkened room, little lights flashing, Seb in a hospital bed after something terrible had happened. The echoes held painful associations for Mark, but not as painful as the ones Seb had endured earlier. Mark looked at him sleeping and gently moved his thumb back and forth over the back of Sebastian's hand.

“We'll be home soon my darling. Just us. Safe in our little castle and we'll pull up the drawbridge. All this will just be a bad memory.”

Mark sighed as he thought how Seb had far too many of those already. There was nothing he could really do about that though. Nothing beyond supporting him as best he could. Be there for him. That was the main thing. Thoughts of what could have happened today if he hadn’t been with Seb crept into Mark’s mind again and he worked to push them away. He _had_ been there. He was here now and Mark wasn’t going anywhere.

He watched as Seb gently breathed in and out, his eyes closed. But Mark knew that Seb was only sleeping. The doctors all said he would be okay. He just needed rest. They'd stick it out till morning then go home. Mark could take care of him there and they would be alright. Home would make Sebastian feel so much better, Mark knew that. It would make all of them feel better. He was thankful Seb hadn't tried to say he should stay and race. When they got home if Seb wanted to talk then they could do so in a far safer environment, though Mark guessed he probably wouldn't. They could talk without talking, just hold on safe to the other and know they understood.

Mark set his head back and rubbed over his face with his spare hand to stay awake. He'd watch over Seb and Teddy both, then go home to hopefully sleep for a week, and if Teddy would cooperate with that plan he would earn his eternal gratitude.

 

 

* * *

 


	255. Weight

Chapter 255

* * *

 

 

Twenty-four hours after they had arrived in Shanghai they were back on their plane headed home again. By this stage all Seb really cared about was that the hospital had agreed to discharge him. Dr Phillips had been somewhat cautious about them flying so soon, but Seb had assured him that he really was fine to travel and after much discussion the doctor had relented, partly on the basis that arguing was worse for Seb than him simply going home where he wanted to be now. It had taken Seb agreeing to have a follow-up check back in England to assuage his doctor's concerns, but Dr Phillips had said he would arrange that and let them know, so for now Seb decided he didn’t need to think about it.

Christian had been at pains to assure Sebastian that he shouldn’t worry about missing the race. He and Britta were already being inundated with eager enquiries from the media curious for more details following the previous day’s statement and just as Britta had predicted, there were plenty of headlines in the press and gossip online about what had gone on, but they didn’t mention any of that when they saw Seb. Instead Christian had merely told Seb he should concentrate on feeling better and not concern himself with anything to do with work.

Sebastian hadn’t asked whether the team had a replacement for him in place. He didn’t want to know. If they didn’t, then he would feel guilty that the team would be losing points this weekend and if they did then Seb would worry what that meant as far as his role was concerned. Neither was helpful, so he avoided the whole topic other than asking his boss to apologise to his colleagues.

“You’re not to worry about it Seb, okay?”

“Okay.”

His voice was quiet and Christian couldn't miss how subdued Sebastian was even after a full check-up and a night’s sleep. Plainly the best thing for him was to be away from all this. He looked to Mark as well as Seb, the former holding Teddy on his knee by the bed just as he had the night before.

“If you could perhaps just drop me a line to let me know you’re back home okay I’d appreciate it,” Christian requested. “Then if it’s alright I’ll just give you a ring at some point, just to see how you’re doing.”

Mark nodded on their behalf.

“Of course.”

“Very good then. I’m sorry, I have to get back to the circuit. All your belongings should be with your plane by now, hopefully all loaded and ready to go.”

“I rang them earlier,” explained Mark. “Thanks for organising our stuff.”

“No problem.”

Christian gave them a smile, not missing how Mark was the one doing all the talking. It was a difficult position to be in here; balancing being both boss and friend. One look at Seb could tell him he wasn’t okay. Better than yesterday for sure, but not himself. He wanted to perch on the edge of the bed closer to Seb and ask him how he was really feeling, but right now sympathy probably wasn’t a lot of help. Christian needed to be the professional, enable them to get home safely and then go back to pick up the pieces to get the team through the weekend without being completely distracted by all this.

 

He had been back here at the hospital first thing this morning, then back to the track to check how that the Thursday garage preparations were going on as usual, dodged more press, then across town again while conducting a long-distance phone-call with Dietrich to assure him everything was in hand for the race weekend before walking back in to find his driver still lying in his hospital bed. Projecting an image that everything was fine when things were far from being so was something Christian had long since learned as well as Seb.

Letting out a little sigh he stepped in to stroke his hand over his godson’s hair and gave him a smile.

“What a good boy you’re being Teddy.”

“He really is,” agreed Mark.

“Do you need anything for him? Anything at all?”

“No we’re good thanks.”

“Right well your car is waiting to take you once you’re released and like I say, just a quick text to let me know you’re home and we can speak when it’s convenient.”

“Thanks.”

“Yes, thank you Christian,” added Seb.

Christian looked to him, almost surprised to hear him speak.

“No problem. Um, so we can speak over the weekend, but hopefully I can pop over when I get back on Monday and we’ll just go from there.”

Sebastian nodded. In all honesty he couldn't really look further ahead than the immediate issues; taking things step-by-step to feel more in control as Dr Menton used to recommend: Persuade the hospital and Dr Phillips to send him home; get to the plane with his family; get through the journey back; hole up at home. Beyond that was too much right now.

 

Once he had been officially discharged, Britta and Dr Phillips saw Seb and his family safely to his car to take them to the plane before following Christian to the track (despite him having told them they could take some time off catching up on sleep after maintaining their vigil outside Seb’s room all night). Britta had offered to come with them to see them off, but Mark had assured her that that was unnecessary and she left them with reassurance that she too would be in touch, but she didn’t need anything from Sebastian.

As the car drove away Britta wondered if she ought to have reminded Seb not to speak to any media if they tried to get in touch, but as she turned to go with Dr Phillips to find their own car, Britta knew there was no need; speaking to the press was the very last thing Seb wanted to do. Unfortunately she didn’t have that luxury and she was about to walk right into the vipers’ nest, but then that was her job, and if that was how she could help Seb right now, then that was what she would do.

 

When they got to the plane Seb and Mark were more glad than ever that they had their own private means of transport, not only so they could leave as soon as they were ready, but also so they could travel in privacy, no prying eyes on them when Seb needed peace and comfort. Both of them guessed that the crew had some idea of what had occurred other than Mark calling them to let them know they needed to fly back early because Seb wasn’t feeling too well. The steward was polite as ever, making sure they were settled and had everything they needed before take-off, then tactfully leaving them to it.

Mark had insisted Sebastian sit while he got Teddy into his safety-seat the steward had fixed in place for him. As the he bobbed back through to let them know they were ready for take-off Mark took the milk the steward had prepared for the little boy and thanked him before belting himself in place beside his son, giving Seb on the other side a smile.

“Good to go, yeah?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark reached a hand across the little aisle to take Seb’s. Teddy was already holding his cup to feed himself. Giving his husband's hand a squeeze, Mark looked to their son and smiled at him as well.

“You’re being so good sweetheart.”

With his other hand Mark gently stroked over Teddy’s hair. He was being good, but he was quiet. Too quiet. Their lively little boy normally babbled away and demanded attention, fussing to play and wanting to toddle about, but this morning at the hospital he hadn’t even cried on waking.

 

Mark had woken with a stiff neck from dropping off at Seb’s bedside, his head slumped on the edge of Seb’s pillow. As he sat uncomfortably up Mark had looked to see his husband was safely still asleep, then looked over to the borrowed cot to see their son sat up looking at them. He hauled himself up and went over, lifting the little boy out and giving him a kiss.

“Hey kiddo. You alright?”

“Dada,” replied Teddy in a voice as quiet as his father's.

“Yeah. It’s okay sweetheart. Papa’s just sleeping. Everything's gonna be okay.”

For most of the rest of the time Teddy had merely sat on Mark’s lap, eating the food he was offered and hanging onto his dinosaur toy, watching his papa and staring at all the other people coming and going with slightly baffled curiosity.

 

Now they were on the plane Mark made sure his son had the toy propped with him again. Once they were airbourne they put on another Disney film to give themselves something to focus on, but none of them were really paying it much attention. Mark still had Teddy on his knee, but as the little boy began to drift he put him down in the flight-cot and sat back with Seb.

“Okay?”

Sebastian gave a little nod, but Mark wasn’t getting much from him, so deciding now was not the time to press he merely fitted his arm around him and held Seb in. Sebastian rested his head down on Mark’s shoulder and gazed blankly at the screen, letting the bright colours wash over his vision. He was trying to stop his mind from straying to places he really didn’t want to go, but the more he tried, the more Seb found his traitorous brain wandering there. He closed his eyes as if that could shut it down, but all it did was make the memories stand out all the clearer in his mind.

Mark felt his body tensing beside him and turned more to look at Seb.

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian scrunched his eyes tighter and shook his head and Mark tried to repress a sigh. Instead he gave Seb’s arm a rub.

“It’s okay,” he whispered.

Lifting his head Seb shook his head again, then looked at Mark.

“It’s not.”

“Oh sweetheart.”

“I don’t know how to make it stop.”

Mark gave a little nod.

“Bad memories?”

Seb nodded tightly and Mark did sigh this time wondering what he could say or do to help. He reached with his spare hand to take Seb’s and gave it a squeeze.

“I’m sorry.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder, looking no happier and all Mark could do was puff a breath.

“Are you hungry?” he enquired.

 

Seb shook his head again, feeling dangerously as though he might cry. Mark tried to think what Seb had eaten since yesterday. Not much, if anything at all seeing as all he had done was vaguely pick at what had been put in front of him in the hospital for the sake of those watching him. Mark himself had been ravenous, accepting whatever Britta gave him to keep him going, and thankfully Dr Phillips had managed to scour up meals for Teddy that he had seemed hungry enough for, but Sebastian still felt far too churned up to eat.

Mark nodded, knowing it was unwise to fight over this.

“Do you feel sick?”

“I just don’t feel right,” Seb replied quietly.

“Okay. Can I do anything?”

Sebastian shook his head again. He swallowed, trying not to cry once more and he could feel it making his chest go tighter, a flush of heat spreading through his skin there. Mark moved to wrap his arms right around him, pulling Seb into a hug. Seb pressed in, closing his eyes once more and seeking comfort in breathing the scent of Mark in. Mark in turn could feel those heavy breaths as his husband's chest moved in and out against his own. It worried him, as did how unresponsive Sebastian was.

“We’ll be home soon,” he promised, thinking he had not much else to offer.

Seb nodded into him but he didn’t move away, so Mark merely hung onto him, moving his cheek to rest by Seb’s temple.

“I love you.”

 

Sebastian pressed in more at hearing that. He tried to let it steady him, but he still felt like a shell, his body weak and his mind a mess. They stayed together for a while, then Mark slowly sat back against the seat, Seb shifting to press his cheek into the top of Mark’s chest instead, keeping an arm across him to stay in place, turning his head a fraction more out. Mark felt almost as helpless as Sebastian did. All he could think of to do was hang onto him, so that was what he did.

From this position Sebastian could see their son asleep in his cot. He hated that he had upset him, frightened him maybe, confused him certainly. He wasn’t supposed to fall apart any more. For Teddy’s sake if nothing else Seb knew he was meant to hold it together to be the dependable parent he needed. Unfortunately thinking about this only made him feel worse and Sebastian began to feel as though a heavier and heavier weight was bearing down on him.

“I’m not okay,” he let out, his voice muted and dull.

Mark nodded, only able to hold him a little tighter.

“I know,” he replied softly, “but you will be darling. You will be okay. We all will. We just need to get home and things will seem better, okay?”

“Okay,” Seb accepted.

It was something to hang on to at least. In the meantime he’d just keep hanging on to Mark, knowing Mark would hang on to him.

 

 

 

The confusing vagueries of travelling around the world meant that despite the long flight, even though they had only left China in the early afternoon there, they arrived back in Britain in the early evening of the same day, getting home in time for dinner. Not that Seb did much more than push the food around his plate.

“Do you want something else?” asked Mark.

Sebastian shook his head, making an effort to eat a mouthful and trying a smile for Teddy though it didn’t reach his eyes. Mark could tell he was attempting to seem normal for their son, so he made no more comment about the food, merely clearing away and offering Seb a cup of tea. As Mark poured it he looked over to Seb and without speaking a word, a conversation passed between them; Seb’s eyes alone pleading with Mark not to put sugar in his tea, even if he did need it, even if theoretically it ought to help.

He didn’t want it, firstly because the taste of sweet tea was sickly which was the last thing he needed, and secondly because of what it signified; a crisis, Seb being mess and feeling laid low, which he did, but he didn’t want to be reminded of that. Instead Mark passed him a mug of normal unsweetened tea and sat back down beside him with his own. It was more reassuring to both sides for them to sit in a more companionable silence; feeling normal to sit at their own kitchen table doing what they normally would, even if they were exhausted both physically and emotionally.

 

Mark had texted Christian to let him know that they were at least safely home, getting a reply thanking him and saying as long as they were alright for now he would call the following day. He realised that the text must have been passed on seeing as not long later they received a call from Dr Phillips checking up on Seb and letting them know he was still sorting out a follow-up appointment. Seb hadn’t much wanted to think about that, but he said ‘fine’ seeing as it didn’t feel like he had much choice. Mark meanwhile was busy working out what how late it must be back in Shanghai, so they both wanted to end the call fairly quickly though the doctor finished by saying he would be calling back the next day.

It reminded them that they needed to call Seb’s family though, so they placed a Facetime call, Seb hoping that he looked okay to his parents. He kept Teddy on his knee, using him as a distraction for his mother, before sending out texts to the rest of the family to reassure them. That done they felt their duties were fulfilled for the time-being.

 

 

Once they had got Teddy off to bed, they sat together on the sofa, the curtains closed though it was only just going dark and the fire lit though it wasn’t cold. Mark had been about to ask if Seb wanted something on TV when Sebastian put his arms around his middle and pressed his face into Mark’s shoulder. Only then did Mark appreciate what a strain the day had been while Seb had spent so much time trying to convince everyone around him apart from Mark that he was doing okay.

A shaky breath came out and suddenly Seb was crying.

“Oh sweetheart,” Mark whispered.

Sebastian merely shook his head against him and Mark didn’t know what to say. They’d been though plenty of tough times before, been through lows of all kinds, but that didn’t mean that this was any easier to deal with. With little alternative springing to mind Mark merely let Seb cry into him, holding him in and stroking a hand over his back until he slowed. Mark angled his head to try to see Seb’s face.

“Sweetheart do you want to talk?”

Shaking his head Seb moved slightly to rest his temple just below Mark’s shoulder, arm across his body as Mark held him in place. Hearing a shaky breath Mark looked down to see that tears were still falling. Seb felt lost to it. Mark knew he was in no place to discuss things. Seb himself barely felt able to talk, never mind explain how he felt. It was too much. Too soon. For now physical comfort would have to suffice.

 

Mark placed his cheek to the top of Seb’s forehead and instinctively began moving his body just a little side-to-side as he held him. If he had thought about it he might have realised that he was doing something he might to comfort their son when he was distressed, but Mark wasn’t thinking much. He was tired, just as Seb was. It felt like the middle of the night even though it was only just going dark out and Mark was exhausted after sitting up at the hospital and spending so much of that time worrying. His mind instinctively went times when Teddy was inconsolable in the darkest dark and Mark did something he never would have before. He sang to Seb. Out of tune, words half remembered, voice low, almost a lullaby.

“ _Don’t worry, about a thing. Cos every little thing, is gonna be alright...”_

Seeing as he couldn't remember most of the words, Mark tired mind just repeated that line over and over, his voice soft and low and infinitely reassuring as it soaked into Seb. Though the idea of it might have seemed odd, even slightly ridiculous to them in normal times, now the repetition of the movement and the sound worked to soothe Seb and indeed Mark, allowing them to switch off their thoughts and allow a more bearable emptiness to settle, blank like fresh snow burying what lay beneath.

It wasn’t going to fix anything, but if it could alleviate the weight on them then that was something. Seb closed his eyes and before long he found himself beginning to drift asleep. Only when his head drooped to slide a little down Mark’s chest did Mark stop, now feeling strange now to cease the echoing movement and sound. He gently helped Sebastian to sit, Seb blinking as he woke up a little.

“Bed?” Mark prompted.

“Hm? Oh.”

Seb nodded and Mark subtly helped him to stand so they could go up.

 

 

They both needed sleep, genuine rest in their own bed at home, but sadly though they quickly dropped off, sleeping through the night was not on the cards. First Teddy woke them, Mark leaping out of bed to deal with him seeing as he wanted the sound of crying to cease even more than normal. He assured Seb he was fine to deal with it and he should stay in bed before Mark rushed off.

It felt very familiar to stand in the nursery, jigging his son to quiet him. Mark had checked his nappy and it wasn’t that, so he guessed it was just the confusion over the time-changes which Mark could hardly blame him for.

“All very confusing isn’t mate?” Mark sympathised.

Teddy murmured into him and Mark reached to stroke over his back.

“I wonder if some milk would help?” he mused. “Hmm? Shall we get you a drop of warm milk to send you off?”

Deciding it was worth a go, Mark took Teddy with him down to the kitchen, returning a couple of minutes later to the nursery to sit in the rocking chair with his son. Teddy sat quietly on his lap holding his cup of warm milk to feed himself as Mark rocked them back and forth, talking to him quietly to reassure the little boy. It was raining outside. Mark could hear the drops pattering against the window. It was oddly reassuring somehow. It felt like home, certainly in April.

 

He didn’t know how long he had been, but hearing a noise, Mark looked up to see Seb stood in the nursery doorway.

“Is he okay?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah just finishing his milk,” explained Mark.

Sebastian came closer, looking in to check on their son, though Mark thought Seb looked more tired.

“I just thought it might help settle him,” Mark added.

Seb nodded, not wanting to seem as though he was more concerned at Mark’s absence than the welfare of their son.

“Was he upset?”

“Just a bit confused I reckon.” Mark looked down at Teddy to see his cup was about empty now. “Alright now aren’t you kiddo? Papa’s worrying. Sorry if I’ve been ages darling.”

“Oh no it’s okay.”

Mark set the cup aside and stood with Teddy, giving him a kiss on his forehead.

“You have a nice sleep now bud.”

 

Seb stood by him at the cot and as Mark went to put Teddy in, the little boy reached out his arms to his papa. Seb took him for a moment, giving him a cuddle before putting him down and tucking him in so he knew he needed to go back to sleep. They watched only for a moment to see he was settled before switching out the lamp and walking out. Mark put his arm around Seb as they went back to their own room. He was about to say that Seb should have just gone back to sleep while he dealt with their son, but before he opened his mouth Mark considered how Seb had clung to him earlier and knew that he needed him there.

Instead he simply kissed Seb’s cheek as they entered their bedroom, parting only to go to their respective sides of the bed to peel off dressing-gowns to crawl back under the duvet. Mark put his arm out ready as Sebastian pressed his cheek into Mark’s chest and they wrapped back up together, Mark listening just to hear Teddy sleeping on the monitor before reaching out his right hand to flick off the light before returning it to hold onto Seb.

In the darkness Sebastian lay with his eyes open, staring out at nothing as he tried to focus on the sound of Mark’s heart beating in his ear; steady and reassuring as it always was. Seb never liked sleeping in his bed alone, but it felt far more important, vital even, to have Mark there with him right now. Though these days Sebastian had no fear of any actual threat approaching in the night, he did fear what might creep into his mind during his sleep and he didn’t want to think about going through that without the safety of his husband's arms there.

 

 

Sadly his fears became a predictable reality only an hour or two later when Mark woke at feeling Seb shifting in his sleep, moving off him before beginning tossing and turning beside him. Mark sat up, hearing the unhappy noises his husband was letting out and seeing how restless he was. He rubbed at his face to rouse himself then flicked on the bedside lamp to look.

“Mmph, don’t… I donwann… nnn…” Seb turned again, his words mumbled and hard to distinguish. “No. _No_.”

Mark swore under his breath at hearing that clearer. It made his stomach churn to think what those words signified. He remembered previous promises and put his hand on Seb’s shoulder.

“Darling wake up.”

“Mmph _ihhh…_ No, I…”

“Seb wake up,” insisted Mark firmly, giving his shoulder a shake. “Wake up sweetheart. You’re having a bad dream. Wake up.”

Sebastian shook his hand away with his body, letting out an even more unsettled noise and Mark took care not to touch him again, but leant over Seb, trying to see if he was reacting to his voice.

“Sweetheart you need to wake up. It’s okay. Wake up now.”

He made his voice a little louder and Seb stilled, lying on his back and just moving his head about until Mark repeated his instruction and Sebastian’s eyes suddenly shot open. He took in a gasp, then breathed heavily, his heart thumping as he crossed over into a waking consciousness. Mark was there, looking concerned and Seb took more short breaths as his brain filtered into reality: Bed, but their bed at home, safe with Mark. It was okay just as he said. That other stuff wasn’t real, not now anyway.

 

“Are you alright?”

Soaking up that low sleep-laced voice, Sebastian pushed himself to sit and threw himself into Mark’s arms, taking more uneven breaths as he understood what had been happening. Mark held him in, placing his mouth by Seb’s ear.

“Just a bad dream darling. Everything's okay. You’re safe, you’re completely safe. We’re home now. Everything’s alright.”

He could feel Seb’s heart pounding in his chest, feel the trembling through his whole body. Seb took another uneven breath and then, though he tried to stop it, he was crying, too weak to do anything else.

Mark continued to whisper in his ear, soothing him and telling Seb just to let it out. After a while Sebastian sat up and wiped roughly at his face, Mark following with his hand to stroke more gently at his cheek.

“It’s okay,” he repeated softly.

Sebastian let out a long sigh, then a deeper breath. Mark looked to see he seemed reasonably okay, then reached to pass him some water to drink, relieved to see that at least his hand seemed steady enough holding it. As he put the glass back Mark moved slightly so he could sit with his arm around Seb.

“I hate it. I hate this,” Seb protested.

“I know.”

Mark watched the way Sebastian breathed slowly in and out.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked quietly.

Seb shook his head, then leaned it into Mark’s. He breathed slowly for a while longer, then let out another long sigh, changing his mind.

“I keep going back there,” he explained.

Mark turned his head more to look at him and nodded, not needing more details to understand exactly what Seb meant.

“I can’t stop it,” Seb continued. “I try, but it just seems to make it worse.”

Mark nodded again.

“In your dream?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Mark took in a deeper breath and found Seb’s hand to take it. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Seb gave a tiny shrug of his shoulder.

“This.”

Mark nodded and smiled just a little, but Seb’s face went tight.

“I hate that I’ve upset Teddy.”

“Oh sweetheart he’s just a bit out of sorts. He’ll be alright.”

“I don’t want him to see me like this.”

“Darling he loves you. All he wanted before was a cuddle from you.”

“He must wonder what’s going on.”

Mark puffed out a breath.

“I don’t think he’s any idea. To be honest sweetheart I suspect he’ll just be happy to be home. He’ll be alright tomorrow with more sleep. So will you. We all just need a bit of peace and quiet here at home.”

Seb gave a tiny nod. It did feel better to be home, but the problem was in his mind, so that was wherever he was.

 

“I wish I could switch my brain off,” he admitted.

Mark would have smiled at the notion, but it was no time for that.

“Yeah.”

“Just a complete blank. I wish I could just keep things locked away.”

Nodding, Mark let go of him to put his hands either side of Sebastian’s head, smoothing down from the crown as if wiping the bad things away. He wished he really could. Mark rested his forehead gently into Seb’s, thinking how if he could somehow transfer some of the burden from Seb’s mind into his own, he would. Seb absorbed the feeling of Mark resting there, trying to make it still his thoughts as Mark holding him helped still his body. All his nerves felt still felt raw and exposed though.

As he sat up, he looked at Mark.

“I’m sorry Liebling.”

“Oh, no darling you don’t need to be sorry.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Do you want me to get you anything?” asked Mark.

“No. Thank you.”

Mark gave him a little smile at him still wanting to show his appreciation.

“Okay. You wanna try sleeping again? Or talking more?”

Seb shook his head.

“I’m tired.”

Mark refrained from saying he was too. He simply nodded and helped them resume their earlier position wrapped up in bed. Seb angled his head up to look at him.

“Please don’t let go of me.”

“I’ve got you darling, okay? I’ve got you.”

“Thank you. And if… if you see. I mean if you think…”

“I’ll wake you. If I think something’s wrong I promise I’ll wake you again. You don’t need to worry about that, okay?”

“Okay.”

Seb turned his head more to breathe in Mark’s chest where he lay. He just had to hold onto him.

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Mark could feel Seb’s breath as he spoke, his voice slightly muffled. He didn’t think he had ever wished so sincerely that Teddy sleep through the night than he did _Seb_ would now.

 

 

Sadly Mark was disappointed in his wish. He didn’t know how long they had been asleep before he was woken by Seb pulling away from him as he hurriedly jerked up to sit. Mark followed him, his arm going around Seb who had drawn up his knees, arms around them, his face buried there. Mark’s body folded around his husband's, his mouth by Seb’s ear.

“It’s okay.”

Sebastian shook his head into his knees. Nothing was okay.

Mark could feel how heavily he was breathing and tried to think what would calm him.

“It’s just a bad dream.”

Seb scrunched his eyes shut. It might be a dream, but he knew the roots of it were all too real. He continued to breathe heavily, but more slowly. He felt light-headed, as though he would topple sideways if he tried to sit up properly or if Mark let go. It took some time for him to lift his head enough to turn his cheek to rest into Mark’s. Slowly he turned more into him, letting out a sigh as Mark gently pulled them to lie back down.

“I’m just so tired.”

“Yeah,” sighed Mark.

They tried again, falling asleep relatively quickly and making it through another couple of hours until it was Teddy who woke them once more.

 

Mark exhaustedly hauled himself out to bed, checking the time to see it was nearly six, though it was still dark outside. Their son had done pretty well considering everything. He pulled on pyjamas, turning to see Seb sat on the other side of the bed doing the same.

“No darling I’ve got it.”

“I should get his milk at least.”

Mark didn’t want to say that he wasn’t comfortable with Seb being on the stairs alone, never mind the kitchen with its hard tiled floor when he had barely eaten. The image of Seb collapsed on the floor resonated in his head and all Mark could think was that at least in the hotel there had been a carpet to soften the blow.

“It’s alright. I’ll go.”

Though part of him wanted to protest, Seb hadn’t the energy. Mark was off and he was left still sat on the bed. He picked up the t-shirt to go with his pyjama bottoms and pulled it on before rearranging the pillows to prop slightly at the end. Shortly after Mark came through with Teddy, passing him to Sebastian along with his dinosaur toys. Mark gave both husband and son a kiss, then looked to be sure they were alright before going downstairs.

 

Within a couple of minutes Mark was back up with a tray bearing two mugs of tea and Teddy’s cup of warm milk. He was accompanied by Shadow and Simba who immediately came over to Seb’s side of the bed to say hello to him and Teddy.

“They seemed keen, so I thought they could come up,” Mark explained.

Sebastian nodded, trying to keep hold of Teddy who was reaching for his friends as those black noses pushed onto the bed.

“Only allowed up here if you’re good,” warned Mark, giving them a nod to lie down on the floor.

“Doh!” cried Teddy.

Seb kissed his temple.

“Yeah. They’ve come to say hello. Daddy’s got your milk Schatz.”

“Here we go mate.”

Mark passed the little boy his cup, checking that he was holding it safely by both handles to drink through the spout before offering Seb his tea and then going around to his side of the bed with his own drink to carefully climb in beside them.

 

This at least felt normal and peaceful. Teddy was quiet while he drank his milk, content enough to rest on his papa’s lap. As Seb and Mark finished their drinks they put mugs to the side and settled in more closely together while their son drank more slowly. Sebastian rested his head onto Mark’s shoulder, Mark’s arm around him.

“Are you okay with him?” checked Mark.

Seb nodded. He felt exhausted, but while their son sat just leaning into him it was a comfort, not an effort to have him there. Mark gave them both a smile, then glanced over to the dogs lying on the floor. Only as they had fussed into him on going down to the kitchen had it occurred to him that perhaps they should have had them sleep up here last night, but he had been far too tired to think of anything beyond hitting the sack.

 

They spent longer than usual in bed together that morning. Not falling back asleep, but at least appreciating the chance to rest comfortably together. Teddy grew bored of sitting with his parents so they let the dogs jump up onto the duvet with them and the little boy sat by them, amusing himself with his toys and his canine friends. As Shadow pawed at one of the dinosaurs Teddy had offered him the little boy laughed and it struck Seb that it was the first time he had heard that sound in what must be days now.

It was reassuring as well as comforting to see their son acting normally and seeming happy. As Seb leaned into Mark they quietly watched him, giving him smiles whenever he looked in their direction. Mark was half considering suggesting they just stay like this all morning and he just bring up food for them to eat in bed when they heard the noise of a car on the drive.

Mark’s brain was so worn out that it took him a moment to realise what that sound signified.

“Oh lord, that’ll be Pauline.”

Sebastian sat up a little, but Mark shook his head.

“I’ll go down and speak to her.”

“No it’s okay.”

They looked at one another for a moment. Seb knew Mark had texted Pauline before they had come home, knowing she would be worrying and warning her to not pay any attention to any reports she might see. He also knew that like their families, Pauline would still be worrying anyway. By now they could hear the front door opening and closing so Seb got up, an eye on Teddy still on the bed as he found slippers to put on. Mark hid a sigh and did the same, scooping up their son and shooing the dogs onto the floor seeing as it seemed they were all going down.

 

By the time they got downstairs Pauline was in the kitchen. As they walked in she was ducked down with the dogs, giving them a welcome rub and refilling their bowls. The moment she saw the door open Pauline jumped up.

“Oh gosh, you’re home.”

Mark sighed a heavy breath. With so much on his mind he had forgotten to let one key person know they were back.

“I’m so sorry Pauline. I should have texted last night.”

She was up and over with them, trying not to show too obviously that she was looking at Seb to assess how he was; Pale and tired for starters.

“Don’t worry about it. Seb, how are you?”

Normally Teddy was the first object of her attention. Seb didn’t miss that she was focussing on him instead right now. He didn’t want to lie to her. Oddly it felt easier to be more honest with her than with his family. Seb’s main priority on speaking to them last night had been to persuade them he was okay and that they definitely had no need to come over to see him.

“Glad to be home,” he admitted.

Pauline nodded, putting a hand on his arm and giving it a little rub.

“I haven’t woken you up have I? You look done in, both of you.”

Mark couldn't help but smile at that. No polite fibs from Pauline, only concern.

“We were already up,” he assured, “just hadn’t got up.”

“Right. Well, can I do anything? Or… perhaps you’d rather have some space?”

Pauline looked around, spotting the things from the night before piled by the sink.

“Shall I have a little tidy up maybe?” she offered. “Have you had breakfast?”

Mark looked to Seb, but from his expression he got the impression that having Pauline here was okay by him. It was normal life and perhaps that was a help, never mind the actual practical help she could give.

“Not yet,” he stated. “Um, sweetheart what do you want?”

Sebastian paused. He didn’t really want anything other than perhaps a cup of tea, but he knew how it upset Mark when he refused to eat. He thought what might perhaps be the least offensive option to try.

“Um… Are you doing Teddy porridge?”

“Can do. You want some too?”

“Okay.”

“Okay then.”

Seb heard a note of relief in Mark’s voice and knew that meant he had been worrying. He’d have to make a decent effort to eat it for him.

“Right, I’ll sort that. You have a sit with Teddy.”

 

Sebastian wasn’t sure he really liked just sitting while the others worked, but he focussed on his son, giving him smiles and hoping Teddy felt reassured to be home and surrounded by the people he normally was. Once Pauline had filled the dishwasher and had a little clean up she started looking for other things to do, but Mark had made a pot of tea and as the porridge cooked in the microwave he poured mugs for the three of them as well as giving Teddy more milk to drink. Pauline sat at the table with them but rather than ask Seb and Mark questions about what had gone on, she made a fuss of Teddy, talking with him and making him smile. She pretended not to notice the way Mark’s hand went over Seb’s, rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb.

 

After a couple of minutes Pauline looked more directly to them.

“What can I do to help today? I don’t suppose there’s much to clean since I was here yesterday, but, umm… I could sort your unpacking?”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“We never actually unpacked.”

“Oh.”

Mark wished he hadn’t laughed when he saw his husband's face go tight. He felt a wave of guilt as he saw the tension run through him, knowing instantly that Seb was trying not to let it show. Pauline looked at them both and noticed some of what Mark did.

“Perhaps I should take the dogs for their walk? Would that be helpful?”

Mark looked to Seb. He had rather been thinking that a walk would give them much needed fresh air and exercise.

“What do you think darling? Do you want to take them or should we leave that to this afternoon?”

Seb was pondering his answer when the microwave pinged and he jumped, really _jumped_ , as all his nerves on edge pinged just the same. Even he hadn’t realised how taut they were, like an over-strung guitar ready to snap. It sent a rush of heat through his skin and as that wave rolled around him Seb suddenly felt like crying again, getting more upset at himself when he knew it was ridiculous to feel so jumpy over nothing. Mark’s arm had shot around him and Seb closed his eyes for a moment to calm himself. He could feel perspiration forming on his skin, worse for the fact cold sweat had dried there in the night after waking from his nightmares.

“Sweetheart.”

Mark’s voice was quiet, as if it was just the two of them. Seb opened his eyes to look at him and took in the other occupants around the table; Pauline looking concerned and poor Teddy staring at him in a way that only made Seb want to cry more.

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” soothed Mark.

“Sorry Pauline.”

“Seb dear you’re not to worry.” Pauline sighed. “You’re still not well are you?”

 

Seb’s chest felt tighter. It was obvious he wasn’t okay. He wondered what his mother had thought when they spoke last night. If it was easier to fool someone further away. Pauline’s kind voice sounded like she wanted to tuck him up in bed and bathe his forehead. Cool water on skin. That much was tempting.

“I’m sorry,” she apologised. “I should have checked before coming.”

Mark shook his head on behalf of both of them.

“We’re just a bit out of sorts,” he conceded.

Pauline nodded, but she was looking into Seb’s eyes. More than out of sorts. Not right. The blue was just as blue, eyes just as wide, but they were anxious and she couldn't quite pretend she didn’t see it.

“I didn’t look at the papers, or any of that. Like you said,” she assured.

Seb almost smiled. It was a question without a question. He wasn’t quite up to smiling right now though. He wasn’t up to fully explaining either.

“I heard something on the news, but…” Pauline gave a shake of her head. “I know you can’t always trust the media and they were very vague.”

Mark glanced at Seb, getting an infinitesimal nod in return which he read as being the okay to give some level of explanation.

“We spent the night at the hospital,” Mark confessed. “In Shanghai that is.”

Sebastian noted the ‘we’. Technically of course that was correct, but he knew Mark was deliberately not just making this about him, as if Mark could take some of the weight this way.

“Oh but…” Pauline's hand had gone to her mouth. “Oh Seb dear. No wonder you look pale.”

To Seb it felt as though he had a stone weight bearing down on his solar plexus. All this pretending to be okay. It was too much. How could they explain without telling the truth? How could that truth ever be told to the ones they loved?

“He just needs a bit of a rest,” Mark assured.

Pauline nodded. That was all she was getting. She had no right to ask for more.

“I’m sure that will help,” she agreed calmly. “Well, shall I let you get on, or um… I don’t know… shall I sort out that porridge?”

Sebastian looked to Mark.

“I could do with a shower.”

Mark nodded and Pauline took her cue.

“Right, I’ll sort Teddy’s breakfast.”

She was up, opening the microwave and stirring the contents of the bowl before looking to Seb and Mark.

“Why don’t I feed Teddy while you get that shower? We’ll be fine down here.”

Sebastian looked to their son. He still had his milk cup in his hands but he wasn’t drinking it. Teddy was watching the grown-ups and Seb didn’t like what he was seeing. Maybe a shower would help him pull himself together?

“Do you want to do that sweetheart?” checked Mark.

Sebastian knew he should say he was fine to go on his own, that Mark should stay with their son. It was selfish to want him with him all the time. But he did want that.

“Here we are Teddy chick, _mmm_ , yummy porridge,” smiled Pauline as she put a bib on the little boy before presenting him with his plastic bowl on his high-chair tray.

As Seb watched Pauline stir the porridge again before scooping up a spoonful to feed their son he saw the way she gave him all her attention, a smile on her face that distracted Teddy.

“Here we go,” she encouraged, “here comes the aeroplane, _nyawwm_.”

 

There was actually a faint echo of her smile on Seb’s face as he watched her ‘fly’ the spoon towards Teddy’s mouth, getting him to open wide to eat it. Maybe their son would be better off with his beloved Auntie Pauline for just a little bit while he sorted himself out? Seb knew for sure that he could trust her to take every care with the little boy she loved as much as he loved her. Seb turned to Mark and gave a small nod which Mark returned before looking to Pauline.

“Think yeah we could do with grabbing a quick shower if you’re okay?”

“We’re fine. You go do whatever you need to. I’m in no rush.”

Mark gave her a nod and they stood, Pauline making more of a fuss to get Teddy to look her way. Seb paused, wanting to say bye to him, but knowing that letting their son know they were leaving wasn’t a great idea. Taking a deep breath, he stood with Mark, walking quietly from the room. Mark waved the dogs away who tried to follow them, pointing to Teddy where they scuttled back to settle themselves at the foot of the high-chair.

The door closed quietly as they left, Pauline looking back to Teddy and giving him another broad smile.

“Oh you ate that all up so nicely. Good boy. Another one? Yes, here we go.”

 

She got pretty well half-way through the bowl before Teddy thought to look to the other side where his parents ought to be sat. The little boy frowned, the spoon now in his hand as Pauline had let him take over feeding himself.

“Papa?”

Pauline reached to touch his arm.

“They’ll be back in a moment poppet.”

Teddy’s bottom lip quivered.

“Papa, Dada!”

“No no chickadee, shh now, don’t go crying.”

Teddy’s face crumpled as he did just that, fat tears spilling out as he took shuddery breaths. Pauline took the spoon from him and set it in the bowl before whipping him out of his chair, worrying that his parents might hear him upstairs. She sat him on her knee, both arms around him as she looked down at Teddy.

“Shh, it’s alright Teddy. They’re just upstairs. They just needed a minute sweetheart.”

“Mmmm, Papa, _Dadah_.”

“It’s alright, it’s alright. Shhh baby, shhh now. Don’t upset yourself.”

 

She rocked him with her body, hushing the little boy whilst keeping her head angled so he could see her face while she cradled him in. Teddy whimpered a little longer, then pressed his face into her blouse. Pauline continued to hush him, stroking over his arm until he calmed.

“There now. Good boy,” she praised.

Pauline dug in her pocket for a tissue to dry his face, then gave him a smile.

“Look Teddy, Shadow and Simba are worrying about you.”

She sat him up a bit and pointed to the dogs who had come to sit by her feet. Teddy gazed at them, then reached out a hand.

“You want to give them a stroke? Shall we have a little sit with them sweetheart?”

Pauline levered herself off the chair and managed to sit on the floor with Teddy still on her knee. It wasn’t the sort of position she generally put herself in, but a hard floor was a small price to pay for cheering up her charge. Teddy reached out again and the dogs moved in to let him paw at them. Pauline smiled at them being patient as ever with the little boy.

“Good boys. You’re all good boys. Hmm, is that better chick?”

As Teddy looked up to her Pauline gave him another gentle smile.

“Lovely boy, yeah, you’re alright. Nothing to worry about sweetheart. I think Papa’s a bit poorly chick and your daddy needs to look after him.”

“Papa.”

Pauline nodded.

“He’ll be alright. Needs a bit of TLC I suspect. A few home comforts and some rest.”

Teddy leaned back into her and she gave him a cuddle, the dogs settling their heads by her and Teddy’s legs. Pauline couldn't hear any noise from upstairs, but she presumed they couldn't have heard Teddy over the noise of the shower or Mark at least would have been back down to check on them. It was impossible not to wonder what was going on. Something had to be bad to put Seb in hospital and Pauline questioned whether it was wise that they had released him so quickly, but no doubt he wanted to be home. Her mind immediately went to thinking of what she thought of as ‘the old trouble’ that she knew had caused such upset in the past. He was dead though now, so how could it be that?

She let out a long sigh knowing she couldn't ask and wondering how she could help the situation without actually knowing what the situation really was. Pauline recognised something there though, something in Seb’s eyes that told her this wasn’t something entirely new. It wasn’t the fear she had once seen in his eyes, not the way he had been when he had first come here, but that jumpiness was something she had seen before. As was the wan complexion and the dark shadows beneath the eyes. Shadows Mark shared, and Pauline absolutely recognised him in full protection mode.

 

“Ah dear.” Pauline stroked Teddy’s cheek. “They don’t always have the easiest time chick. They love you though. I’ve never seen them so happy as since you came along. So don’t you fret little one, cos your daddy and papa love you too much for them not to make it all okay again. Whatever it is, they’ll make it okay.”

Teddy gazed into her eyes, reaching up to that familiar face with its familiar soft smile. Pauline let him touch her, simply smiling back at the little boy.

“And I’m here too sweetpea.”

“Paupau.”

“Yeah Auntie Paupau’s here my lovely. Everything’s okay.”

 

 

Upstairs in the bathroom Seb and Mark were in the shower, unaware of what was going on downstairs. Sebastian was trying to persuade himself that getting clean was making him feel better, but the truth was he still felt awful. His emotions were in torment and his nerves were twitching as if an electric current had been run through him. He was home, everything was supposed to be fine now, but he wasn’t, not at all.

Sebastian pressed into Mark, tucking his head onto his shoulder as they stood in the shower. Mark put his arms around him and looked in at Seb’s face. It was impossible to distinguish tears and drops of water flowing from above, but Mark knew he was crying and it broke his heart all over again. He rubbed over Seb’s arm.

“Come on, let’s get out,” he prompted, pulling Seb gently to get him to step out of the shower.

He switched off the water and kept one arm around Seb as they stepped onto the mat and Mark was glad he did as Seb nearly stumbled. Mark looked to see he was stood okay, then grabbed a couple of towels, wrapping one around his waist and offering one to Sebastian. Seb however was busy using his hands to scrub at his face, so Mark folded it round him then picked up another to quickly towel them both dry. Standing like a statue Sebastian merely let him, staring blankly at the floor. Only when Mark began helping him put on a towelling dressing-gown did Seb look up. Seeing as he said nothing, Mark rubbed Seb’s arm once more, hoping that at least getting the blood flowing was something.

 

They went through to the bedroom and sat on the bed, Mark’s arm around Seb. Putting his head on Mark’s shoulder beside him, Seb let out the longest sigh, his whole body sagging with it.

“I just don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he lamented.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Mark insisted.

“Then why do I feel this way?”

“Sweetheart.”

Seb let out an uneven sigh.

“All I did was go into a room. I feel like I’m falling apart.”

Mark gave a small shake of his head.

“Darling you didn’t just walk into a room. It wasn’t just a room was it?”

Sebastian shook his head tightly, then scrunched his face up, trying not to cry. He buried his face back into Mark’s shoulder and stayed there until the comfort of his arms had allowed the worst of the moment to pass. Mark stroked over his back, whispering in Seb’s ear.

“You just have to let it out. You know trying to stop it isn’t good for you. It makes things worse sweetheart. Just let it out, let it out.”

Seb cried into him more now, feeling some of the tightness winding through his body dissipate. He was safe in Mark’s arms, free to loose what was hidden inside, no need to pretend or fake anything when Mark knew the truth without needing it being spoken.

 

Neither of them knew how long it lasted, but when Seb eventually sat up Mark looked for a tissue and passed it to him to dry his face. As he put it down Sebastian let out a long breath, then accepted water to drink, passing it back to Mark who set it back on the side before reaching to take Seb’s hand as he looked into his eyes.

“Darling we’re home now. It’s gonna be okay, but that doesn’t just happen the moment we walk through the door. Talk to me sweetheart, tell me what’s going on in your head. Just be honest, okay? You know you can tell me anything and it’ll be alright.”

He reached with his other hand to stroked Seb’s cheek, keeping his gaze to try to read him and to let him know he was sincere.

“We can talk about anything you need to. Do anything you want to that might help. Anything you need, you know I’ll do it.”

“I know you will,” replied Seb quietly.

“Okay.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath and let it out.

“I just feel awful about Teddy,” he confessed.

“Darling he’s fine with Pauline. You know he is.”

“I don’t want him seeing me like this. It has to have been so frightening for him.”

“He’s been with us, or those he knows and who love him. He’s always been safe darling.”

“No I know, but… he can see. It’s there in his eyes. He knows something’s wrong.”

Mark paused. He couldn't deny that there was some level of truth there.

“He’ll be alright. Back home now, that’ll settle him.”

“I just hate him seeing me… when I get, when it gets too much,” Seb struggled to explain.

Mark nodded.

“Okay, don’t force it though darling. That’s not healthy.”

Seb gave a little nod back. Pretending to be okay was always exhausting and he was already worn through. That wasn’t going to make him feel any better.

“Okay,” replied Mark softly. “Look, why don’t I ask Pauline if she wants to take him out for a walk with the dogs for a bit? He can have a nice spot of fresh air and we can just have a bit of time to re-set ourselves without worrying about anything else. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Alright then.”

 

Mark kissed his cheek, then stood to pull on some clothes before going downstairs. He brought Teddy up to dress him, then helped Pauline fit him in the pushchair and get the dogs on their leads so she could head out.

“You’re sure you’re okay with all of them?” Mark checked in the hallway.

“Course. We’ll just have a nice stroll won’t we Teddy?”

Teddy lifted up his arms where he had been strapped in his pushchair.

“Dada!”

Mark ducked down with him.

“It’s alright darling. Auntie Pauline's gonna take you out for a little stroll. Can you be a good boy and walk the dogs for me?”

He encouraged Simba and Shadow over and gave them a rub.

“Take the doggies out Teddy, hm?”

“Dohdoh.”

“Yeah that’s right. You help Auntie Pauline, there’s a good lad.”

Whilst Teddy was distracted giving the dogs a stroke Mark stood and looked to Pauline.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. We’ll be fine,” assured Pauline.

“I really appreciate it.”

“No no dear. Anything I can do. Perhaps we’ll take our time?”

“Mm, as long as Teddy’s okay.”

“Course. Well, I’ve got my mobile if you need me.”

“Thanks. Just half an hour is fine.”

“Right then.”

Mark helped her manoeuvre the pushchair outside and checked Pauline seemed okay pushing it with both dogs on leads, but not much fazed Pauline and Mark spotted the way she let the dogs trot either side of Teddy as if he was flanked by outriders. It made him smile as he watched them go down the drive and Mark was reassured to know that their son was in good hands.

 

He went back in and up the stairs, hoping he hadn’t left Seb alone too long. Walking into the bedroom once more Mark was reassured to see that he had got dressed and he guessed, been to wash his face. As he approached him Mark saw that Seb was sending a text.

“’kay?” he checked.

Seb looked up.

“Just replying to Fabe.”

“Ah okay. He alright?”

He got a half smile in response and Mark nodded, knowing Fabian had been the one checking Seb was alright. Mark sat beside him as Seb fitted his phone in his pocket.

“So Pauline’s just taking them down the lane for a bit.”

“I meant to say bye but I was just in the bathroom.”

“They won’t be gone long sweetheart.”

“Okay. Was he alright?”

“He was fine. I put him in charge of the dogs.”

Seb frowned, wondering how a toddler could control two large and boisterous animals, but Mark gave him a smile.

“Pauline’s actually walking them. They’re just entertaining him.”

“Oh I see.”

“Right, so um, we never got round to breakfast. That porridge might be a bit congealed by now but I can make some more, or I don’t know, whatever you fancy?”

Sebastian was fairly sure he didn’t much fancy eating anything, but that wasn’t an answer that would make Mark happy.

“That’s fine Liebling thank you, or just some toast. I don’t mind.”

“You’ll come down?”

“Course.”

“Right.”

 

Down in the kitchen Mark offered Seb choices again, but he had caught sight of the porridge bowl, now cold and gloopy looking with a skin formed on top it was more than enough to put him off.

“I think just toast if it’s okay.”

“That’s fine darling. Anything on it?”

Seb gave a little shake of his head so Mark slotted some bread into the toaster. Dry toast wasn’t going to give Seb a lot, but it was better than nothing, so he sorted that out and made them fresh tea for them to sit with at the table with.

The toast tasted like cardboard and Seb had a terrible urge just to put his arms on the table and rest his head down on them, but he valiantly consumed everything put before him, thanking Mark, but not making much conversation. Mark in turn tried not to watch Seb too obviously. He knew pressure of any kind, even well-meaning pressure, was not helpful. Instead he just sat closer to him, legs touching under the table, up their bodies all the way to their shoulders.

 

 

When Mark was clearing away Seb’s phone began ringing in his pocket. He flinched at the sound of the ringtone breaking the quiet of the room and had to calm himself to pull it out. He expected it to be his family checking up on him, but as Mark turned around to see, Seb read out the name flashing on the screen.

“It’s Dr Phillips again.”

“Oh right. You gonna answer then?”

Sebastian did so, automatically putting it on speaker and setting it on the table while Mark returned to sit beside him. When the doctor asked Seb how he was doing Sebastian paused, looking to Mark before looking back to the phone set before them.

“Seb?” checked the doctor, wondering if there was a problem with the long-distance call.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“I said how are you feeling?”

“Um…”

The instinct to insist he was okay, to cover and say what Seb thought he ought to, was as present as it had ever been, but he knew it would be a lie. A lie too often repeated to the doctor in the past. Was a lie to him now helping anything? Seb was already missing the race this weekend. He’d already been sent home. It wasn’t like telling him he was fine now was going to change any of that. Sebastian took in a breath, then answered.

“Not brilliant.”

Nine thousand miles away the doctor nodded, knowing that for Seb even that small admission was something.

“Have you been suffering any further problems?”

Problems? Exhaustion, anxiety, nightmares, hardly able to eat. Were those things he could explain, even to the man who was his doctor?

“I just…” Seb sighed. “I guess I don’t feel too great.”

“Have you had any dizzy spells? Anything at all like that?”

“No just… tired mostly.”

“Nothing more serious? No headaches or nausea?”

“No.”

“Okay, have you been eating alright?”

There was a pause before Seb replied.

“I’m just not very hungry,” he confessed, then hurried. “I had some toast just now though.”

The doctor could have rolled his eyes. _Toast_. ‘Not eating well’ he noted down.

“And are you getting proper rest?”

Another pause. Seb looked to Mark. Lies or truth.

“Some,” he allowed.

“Sleeping?”

“Some,” Seb repeated.

‘Not sleeping well’ the doctor jotted down.

“Okay, anything else?”

“Just not feeling great,” repeated Seb.

The doctor sighed quietly. It was like getting blood from a stone. Perhaps someone else would have more success?

 

“Mm, okay well I’ve been making some calls.”

Mark saw how Seb flinched at that and quickly took his hand.

“Calls?” he queried on Seb’s behalf, knowing how anxious the idea of his private business being shared made him.

The doctor read his tone.

“On an initially anonymous basis, but I’ve made contact with your previous doctor who treated you at the Radcliffe after your accident. Do you remember a Dr Roberts?”

“Oh, yes,” replied Seb, feeling a little relieved to hear it was someone he trusted.

“Good, well I spoke initially to the hospital, but I have now briefly spoken with her, not in detail, but with your permission I would like to call her back. Would you agree to that?”

“What would you tell her?”

The doctor puffed a breath. Was ‘the truth’ too much for Seb to deal with?

“The essentials of what occurred here. I won’t speak of anything confidential you don’t want me to, but I would need to pass on your medical records and the results of the tests over here as I think it would be beneficial to have them re-run now you are home, if only for your peace of mind.”

And the team’s too, thought Seb, but what the doctor was proposing didn’t sound too bad. He didn’t enjoy being tested, but he did feel pretty terrible and Seb knew that putting up with a few tests to reassure people wasn’t the worst thing if it was going somewhere familiar and dealing with a person he already knew.

“Okay,” he consented.

Mark gave him a smile and squeezed his hand and Seb knew that meant he was pleased with him agreeing. Mark was worrying about him too and that wasn’t fair. Just a check-up, a few scans for the record to say nothing was wrong. That wasn’t an unbearable idea.

“Okay,” replied the doctor, also sounding pleased. “So if I ring her back and send her some details?”

“Yeah.”

“Right then, now if you’re alright with that then I will try to arrange a private appointment as soon as possible, then when I get back after the weekend I can come to see you and we’ll see where we stand. How does that sound?”

“Yeah, okay.”

The doctor frowned at the short responses.

“Seb it’d just be a few checks, mostly I should think repeating the ones we did here in Shanghai, but Dr Roberts was your neuro consultant previously so she will have a fairly good understanding of your medical history. I think you got on pretty well with her in the past, yes?”

“Yeah she was…”

 

Seb stopped, wondering how to describe her; nice? Nice was pretty lame, but he really meant kind, understanding and trustworthy. She knew some of his secrets and had never breathed a word. People in that category were a small circle in his life and Seb didn’t much want to extend it.

“She was okay,” he offered.

“Very well. Right, I’d better make a call then,” decided the doctor. “I’ll ring you back.”

“Oh, okay,” replied Seb, thrown a little by his decisiveness.

“Thanks doc,” added Mark.

“I’ll be back shortly with any luck.”

 

 

Ten minutes later Dr Phillips did as he had promised and rang them back to state that she could see them the following day at ten am.

“So can you do then?”

“I’m sure Pauline would babysit,” Mark asserted quietly to Seb.

Sebastian nodded.

“We should check first.”

“Mm, fair enough. Doc is it okay if we just double-check first?” asked Mark.

“Of course. I appreciate that you have Teddy to consider, though ideally we would get this dealt with as soon as possible.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. Perhaps we could drop you a quick text. She should be back soon.”

“Okay, Dr Roberts would be coming in on her day off as it’s a Saturday tomorrow. That’s how we’d be squeezing this in as a private appointment, so…”

“Well get right back to you,” affirmed Mark.

“Alright, well we’ll set that up and go from there. Hopefully it will be just a matter of procedure to do a few standard checks, but I think it would be wise to have confirmation and as she has previously treated you with any luck she might be able to help if you’re still not feeling too well.”

Sebastian was already wondering what questions Dr Roberts would ask and what he could tell her. He was trying to recall what they had dealt with in the past and Seb remembered discussing his anxiety and panic attacks. It hadn’t been easy, but he could talk to her. Maybe she could help? Seb didn’t want to go on feeling like this.

“Yeah okay. Will you tell her thank you?”

Dr Phillips was encouraged by this positive response from Seb.

“Of course.” The doctor stopped, then decided he had to raise this. “Seb, I haven’t gone into detail as to what brought all this about, but I think it would be well for you to explain what you can to her so she understands. Patient confidentiality still applies even if you consent to her passing on relevant results from the tests to me.”

 _To the team_ , translated Seb.

“At any rate,” continued the doctor, “we can discuss matter further when I see you on Monday.”

“Yeah okay,” Sebastian accepted.

 

 

When Pauline returned shortly after, Seb and Mark made a fuss of Teddy, praising him as Pauline told them how good he had been. As Seb removed his coat and little boots, Mark folded up the pushchair to put away and spoke quietly to Pauline who was helping.

“So he was okay?”

Pauline nodded.

“We had a very busy time seeing what we could spot.”

Mark smiled and put a hand on her arm, knowing just how invaluable she was to them.

“Thank you.”

“It’s really no trouble.”

Sebastian had lifted Teddy up, holding him high in his arms to kiss his cheek.

“Pauline was just saying what a good boy you’ve been kiddo,” Mark related.

Seb turned to look at their son, giving him a smile that wasn’t forced.

“Good boy Teddybär.”

“Papa.”

“Yeah.”

Teddy’s arms were around Seb’s neck, now he rested his head on his papa’s shoulder and Seb gently paced his cheek by Teddy’s head, wanting him to be reassured. Mark stroked over his arm as well.

“Good lad.” He turned to Pauline. “Would you like another cuppa?”

“Oh no I’m fine. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Mark glanced to Seb, then back at Pauline.

“Um, not really today thanks, but we’ve got a bit of a favour to ask.”

“Anything I can do dear.”

“Thanks, so, um is there any chance you could babysit tomorrow morning?”

“We know it’s your day off,” hurried Seb. “So if you’re busy it’s fine.”

“No I’m not busy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. That’s fine. When do you need me?”

“Erm well, half nine? Maybe a bit before.”

“We’ve got a doctor's appointment you see,” Seb explained, “so we shouldn't be late.”

“Oh I see.” Pauline looked concerned, then reminded herself not to pry, just to offer what she could. “Well, why don’t we say quarter past, then you don’t need to rush.”

“Thank you.”

“We’re not really sure how long it will take,” Mark explained.

“That’s alright.”

“It’s at the hospital,” admitted Seb, “so it might take a while.”

Pauline's mouth opened and Seb could see how that worried her.

“It’s just a follow-up. Just some checks,” he assured.

“Oh, okay.”

“So if you could look after Teddy?” promoted Mark.

“Of course. No that’s fine,” promised Pauline, realising what they needed from her was just to know their son was safe and happy while they dealt with whatever they had to.

“It’s really very kind of you,” asserted Seb, “and we’ll pay you of course.”

Pauline shook her head.

“Seb dear you’re not to worry yourself. I’m more than happy to help out. We can have a nice walk out with the dogs and then… Ooh I know, we could do some baking. That’ll keep us busy.”

“Baking?” queried Mark.

Pauline smiled.

“I’m sure we’ll make a mess, but he can get his hands stuck in. All kids love that.”

Mark nodded. He didn’t care if they came home to the kitchen in a tip so long as Teddy was distracted from missing them. Seb was looking in at Teddy.

“You do some cooking with Auntie Pauline Liebling? Hm? That sounds fun.”

“We can just make some biscuits. Nice and simple. My Tom used to love helping me bake when he was little.”

Seb looked to her.

“Thank you.”

“It’s no trouble. And if he needs some lunch I can sort that.”

“Oh well hopefully we won’t be that long.”

Pauline nodded.

“Okay, but just so you know you don’t need to worry about how long you might be.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

 

She gave him a smile, then once they had confirmed that they didn’t need anything else from her Pauline pulled her coat back on and retrieved her bag. She took Teddy to give him a kiss goodbye, then passed him to Mark so she could give Sebastian a hug. She didn’t ask any questions, she simply gave him a gentle squeeze and held him in for a moment. Seb closed his eyes, surprised almost by how much comfort it gave him. There was love in that hug. Concern, but less concerned with asking everything of him than simply wanting him to be okay.

As she let go of him Pauline looked Seb in the eyes.

“You’re not to worry about anything, alright? You just look after yourself.”

Sebastian felt guilty that she in turn was clearly worrying about him.

“It’s just a check-up.”

Pauline nodded.

“Okay. Well, until tomorrow then.”

“Thank you. We really appreciate it.”

She nodded again, then said her goodbyes.

 

Once she was gone Seb turned to Mark and Teddy. He felt marginally better for sorting that out, though he still didn’t know what he was going to say to Dr Roberts. That wasn’t until tomorrow though. For now as he looked at their son, Seb felt guilty that Teddy wasn’t getting their full attention.

“What should we do now?” he wondered.

Mark puffed a breath. Seb still didn’t look up to much.

“Why don’t we go sit in the lounge, let Teddy have a play?”

Seb nodded and they went through, the dogs accompanying them. Mark set Teddy down and went to get his toy-box over. When he returned Seb was sat on the floor with their son, so Mark joined them there, just putting his arm around Seb as Teddy helped himself to his toys. The little boy plonked himself on the carpet and alternated playing with his things and amusing himself with the dogs, with repeatedly toddling closer to sit on his parents’ laps, squashing in for a cuddle before seeming reassured and returning to his play.

Watching him Sebastian was reminded how important it was that he get better for their son’s sake. It mattered far more than racing ever could. He rested into Mark’s side, placing his head on his shoulder and knew the support his husband offered was greater than the literal kind keeping him up right now. For his sake too. Seb knew he had to find a way through this.

 

 

* * *

 


	256. The Three Doctors - Part 1

 

* * *

 

 

On Saturday morning Pauline was of course already round by five past nine, helping Mark tidy away the remnants of breakfast. A breakfast Seb had hardly touched seeing as he was too nervous about the upcoming hospital appointment. Now he thought about it, he didn’t know how running more tests was really supposed to help anyway. What did they think a scan of his brain was going to show that it hadn’t in China? He supposed that it was just a matter of satisfying the team and FIA, but Seb was pretty sure he knew what the trouble was and it wasn’t anything that would show up on a CT or MRI. Did Dr Phillips think he could just make things better by talking about it? How did you even start that conversation?

As Mark checked he had finished his tea, Seb passed the mug over and looked to Teddy. Whatever this was meant to achieve he knew he had to try. Their son deserved that much. Thank god that at least he knew the doctor they were going to see. Otherwise Sebastian was pretty sure he would merely sit in a sunken silence until being sent home again.

 

Soon they were ready to go, Pauline stood holding Teddy in the hallway as Seb and Mark pulled on jackets. Mark had suggested they make a quiet exit without letting Teddy know, but Seb felt too guilty, so they were saying goodbye, trying to explain where they would be and when they hoped to be back to a small boy who showed no sign of comprehension.

“Be good for Pauline mate,” instructed Mark as he kissed his cheek.

“We’ll be back as soon as we can,” Sebastian added.

Teddy merely frowned as his papa kissed his other cheek. He reached out his arms so Seb could take him, but Pauline stepped back.

“Now Teddy, I’ve brought lots of exciting things for us to do,” she announced. “I think we should go have a look at them in the kitchen. Hm? Have a look in Auntie Pauline’s special bag for Teddy? Come on then.”

She gave Seb and Mark a pointed look to hint that they should go as soon as she left them and Mark shooed the dogs on with her into the kitchen. Teddy tried turning in her arms to look at his parents, but Pauline was pointing onwards to the bag of baking things she had put on the kitchen table, getting him to look there. Sebastian sighed, but no good came of emphasising to their son that they were leaving him, so they got their keys and went.

 

 

 

Walking into the entrance area of the hospital, Sebastian already had his hand in Mark’s. Last time they had been here it had been a joyous occasion when they had been bringing home their son, but today Seb’s mind was fixed more on when he had come for check-ups following his stay here after his accident. It was a long time ago now, but it didn’t really feel that way as his heart-rate picked up crossing to the lift, getting ever faster as Mark pressed the button to take them up to the correct floor.

Squeezing his hand Mark gave Seb a reassuring smile, knowing he was nervous.

“It’s just a check-up darling.”

“Yeah.”

“And Dr Roberts is alright isn’t she?”

Seb nodded. If it had been a stranger he might have been finding excuses to try to get out of this altogether.

 

Before he knew it they were in a familiar consulting room, shaking hands with the doctor and exchanging polite pleasantries before Dr Roberts asked them to take a seat.

“I was looking over your old notes,” she commented, “and I have to be honest I was surprised that it’s been two and a half years. Doesn’t feel so long.”

“No,” agreed Mark.

“And you’re married now.”

“Uh-huh.”

Dr Roberts smiled.

“Belated congratulations.”

“We have a little boy now as well,” Seb added.

She nodded, having already known that.

“Congratulations on that too. I suppose it has been quite a while.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath as the doctor switched to the reason they were here.

“Okay, so I believe your team doctor, Dr Phillips explained that he had passed on your notes, but I’d like to go over things before I run a few checks and then we’ll see where we’re at. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good.”

She fixed her eyes on Seb, thinking how she was taken back seeing the two of them sat in front of her, chairs close, hands linked. Sebastian’s smile had disappeared now and she thought he looked nervous. She had to ease in.

“Right then,” she began gently, “so just to confirm; you’re here because you passed out without previously feeling ill?”

Sebastian nodded.

“And you remained unconscious for several minutes,” she added.

“I’m not sure.”

“It’s hard to really say how long doc,” Mark contributed. “It felt a long time, but I’m not sure I’d say several minutes. A couple maybe.”

“Okay, but unresponsive during that time?”

Mark nodded.

“And just to check, as far as you are aware, Seb didn’t hit his head?”

“Just from about half-way onto the carpet,” Mark explained, “but not hard or anything.”

“Okay.”

 

Dr Roberts saw tension in both of them, deciding to back off pushing too hard when she had most of these details sent by Dr Phillips.

“Alright, well that was Wednesday. How are you feeling now Sebastian?”

Seb glanced to Mark, reminding himself that being dishonest would render this a waste of time.

“Not too great,” he confessed.

She nodded, making a quick note.

“In what sense? Dr Phillips said you’d not reported headaches or further fainting.”

“No.”

“But issues with sleep and appetite?”

So he’d told her that, realised Seb. He supposed it was the doctor's duty.

“Yeah.”

“Trouble falling asleep, or waking from sleep?”

Seb’s eyes went to Mark again.

“Waking,” he confirmed, thinking how last night had been as bad as the night before.

The doctor was about to ask the cause, when she saw a flash of something in Seb’s eyes and backed off once more.

“Okay, and any other symptoms?”

Sebastian paused, wondering how he could put it.

“Just tired and… I don’t know, not great.”

“Okay,” she replied softly. “Well, I’m going to check a few things, run a couple of tests, mostly for elimination purposes and we’ll see where we are. Alright?”

Seb nodded.

“Okay then,” the doctor smiled, coming around from her desk to set about taking Seb’s heart-rate, examining his eyes and asking him to remove his (or more accurately, Mark’s) hoody so she could check his blood-pressure.

 

Sebastian was far too used to these tests not to know what they were about, but he couldn't control his body’s internal reactions, particularly the way he could feel his heart-rate ramp up as soon as she went to measure it. Seeing the frown on her face, Seb knew it wasn’t a good sign. The doctor pulled a chair to sit closer with them and looked at him.

“Sebastian, can I ask… in the past, after you suffered concussion you had some anxiety issues.”

Seeing Seb involuntarily closing his eyes for a moment to calm himself gave Dr Roberts a fairly big hint she was onto something, so she carefully pressed on.

“Would you say you are feeling anxious now?”

Mark rubbed over the back of Seb’s hand with his thumb and Seb tried to concentrate on that. He could feel his heart beating, the blood coursing round his veins. Giving only a small nod in reply, Seb was grateful again that she had treated him before. He couldn't admit this to another doctor.

“Okay,” she repeated, pulling her chair closer to take his pulse again. “Just take some nice slow breaths, just slow breaths, in and out, nice and slow.”

The doctor waited for his pulse-rate to decrease before asking anything else.

“Sebastian can you tell me if there is anything in particular making you feel anxious?”

Seb looked back into her eyes, saying nothing.

“Is coming here making you feel anxious?” she tried.

His mouth felt glued shut, his throat dry, but he managed an answer.

“I guess.”

“Okay. Anything else?”

She felt the rate pick up again and recalled how hard it had been to get him to open up previously. If he wasn’t about to volunteer it, perhaps ruling out a couple of causes was worth a go.

 

“You mentioned your son. Are you worrying about him? Where is he this morning?”

“He’s with our housekeeper. She’s looking after him.”

Dr Roberts noted how much more quickly he answered that.

“Okay, so you’re not worrying about that.”

“I do feel a bit guilty we’ve left him.”

“Sweetheart he’s fine with Pauline,” intervened Mark. “You know she’ll take good care of him.”

Seb nodded, then looked to the doctor.

“I guess I’m not really worried about him. I mean I know he’ll be okay. I just feel a bit bad leaving him, when all this… It must be upsetting for him.”

“You being unwell?”

Seb nodded.

“Okay, but he’s alright?” she checked.

“Yeah.”

“And that’s not a source of anxiety?”

Sebastian took a deep breath.

“It doesn’t make me feel great, but, I know she’s looking after him, doing some fun things to keep him happy. Pauline sees him pretty much every day.”

“So your son is home and well cared for.”

Seb nodded again.

“Okay,” the doctor repeated reflexively, “not that. So can you talk about what is causing you anxiety?”

Getting no reply, she hazarded another topic for crossing off.

“How are you feeling about missing your race this weekend?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I dunno. It’s done. I’m not really thinking about it now.”

Dr Roberts nodded. On that he seemed very matter-of-fact.

“Anything you would like to discuss?” she checked.

Seb gave no answer, which in itself was an answer, so she changed tack, looking at her watch to check the time.

“Okay, well we can leave that for now. I’ve arranged a couple of scans, just to get confirmation there’s no other issues we should be concerned about. So if you’ll excuse me a moment I’ll just see if they’re ready for you.”

 

Seb nodded and she nodded back before leaving the room. Once she was gone Sebastian let out a heavy sigh and looked to Mark.

“Sweetheart she doesn’t want to interrogate you,” Mark assured. “She just wants to help.”

“I know. It’s just so hard.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah, okay well we’ll just get these scans out of the way. They’re just procedure.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian puffed a breath and sat back in his seat. He could let them do whatever scans and tests they needed. All he’d need to do is lie down which was a darn sight easier than trying to talk about this.

 

 

It took a while to get the tests done. For Seb it felt like a break, just to let them do what they needed to while he almost relaxed, sure that nothing bad would show up. Mark on the other hand hated having to sit waiting, unable to hold his husband's hand while he tried to remind himself that C.T.s and M.R.I.s were merely being repeated. He couldn't help fretting that Dr Roberts would suddenly see something worrying. It all brought back the worst memories for him, though Mark gave Seb encouraging smiles, not wanting to pass on his concerns.

When they sat in Dr Roberts office again Mark told himself off for fretting as she assured them that the scans had revealed no indications of anything out of the ordinary. He gave Sebastian another smile, not letting on that he was actually feeling a little relieved even though the doctors in China had said the same. Sebastian however was already thinking how Dr Roberts would now want to investigate what really _was_ the problem.

“So obviously that’s all good,” continued the doctor as she completed explaining the results.

Seb and Mark both nodded, the level of tension in each of them heading in opposite directions.

“So, Sebastian your team doctor asked that with your permission I passed these on to him,” she explained. “Are you happy to consent to that?”

Sebastian nodded again.

“Yeah that’s okay.”

She smiled and made a note, then looked up.

“Okay, so obviously it’s good that we have confirmation that there are no clear neurological causes for what occurred the other day, however given how unwell Dr Roberts reports you were, and that you are still having some symptoms, I think we do need to talk a little more about what’s going on.”

 

She noticed the deep breath Seb took and how Mark looked at him as he slowly let it out.

“I appreciate that it may not be easy, particularly given that when someone is taken ill suddenly they may not be able to entirely take in what they are feeling.”

Sebastian gave another small nod, so she continued.

“Now, first off I should check, can you actually remember the lead up to when you passed out clearly?”

The doctor intended the question to check the effect of losing consciousness on Seb. She wasn’t expecting the reaction she got: The colour instantly drained from Seb’s face as he closed his eyes and he took a heavier breath. She put down her notes and pulled her chair closer.

“Sebastian? Are you feeling unwell?”

He took another breath rather than reply as a tide of nausea swept through him. Mark was turned into him, concerned as the doctor was.

“Seb?”

Breathing through his nose, Seb felt another wave pass through him. His hand shot to his mouth as he leaned forwards.

“Do you feel sick?” asked Mark.

Seb nodded sharply and Mark hurriedly looked to the doctor, only to see that she was already turning to grab a disposable cardboard bowl presumably from previous incidents when other patients had suffered similar effects. Years of experience meant that she had it in place before Sebastian was unable to stop himself vomiting, his body jerking further forwards as he threw up. His stomach rolled, turning over once more, then again, but given the limited amount of food he had consumed, it was mostly acidic reflux that followed.

 

Rubbing over his back, Mark stayed leaned in, trying to see how Seb was, though it was hard to tell with his eyes closed. After another minute it became clear that nothing else was going to come up and Seb slowly sat, his eyes watering as he opened them.

“Ah sweetheart,” sympathised Mark.

The doctor was passing a tissue for Seb to wipe his mouth, looking carefully at him.

“Do you feel dizzy?”

Sebastian was breathing heavily, his chest moving with it. He barely noticed the doctor removing the bowl and replacing it with an empty one, though he was relieved that the smell had gone from under his nose. Dr Roberts was watching his rate of breathing with concern; not hyperventilating, but seeming in danger of heading that way.

“It’s alright,” reassured Mark.

“If you need to be sick, just be sick,” asserted Dr Roberts.

Seb gave a tiny shake of his head, taking another couple of minutes before sitting up a fraction more. He still wasn’t breathing normally though so the doctor looked into his eyes, putting her fingers on his wrist to take his pulse which she was unsurprised to find was far too high.

“Try to take some slower breaths,” she suggested. “Just focus on that. Slow breath in and then just hold it a moment, then let it out.”

 

Sebastian could feel them both studying his actions and he tried to do as instructed, closing his eyes again to concentrate. He filled his mind with only that task to the exclusion of all other thoughts and though it took a while, Seb did manage to slow, though by now his ribs were hurting with it. He looked into Mark’s eyes and felt guilty at the concern in them.

“It’s okay sweetheart,” soothed Mark. “You’re doing good.”

The doctor waited until Sebastian had neared a normal breathing rate, then looked at him closely.

“Do you feel like you are going to be sick again?”

She received a small shake of the head, so she nodded.

“Okay. Sebastian I think it would be best if you had a lie down. Can you stand?”

 

Sebastian found himself being led to an examination bed over to the side that he had barely noticed earlier. It took Mark helping him to get on it, then the doctor assisted getting him to lie back, thankfully not quite flat. Dr Roberts placed the clean cardboard bowl by his middle so that it was there should it be needed, then began examining him: Asking him how he felt and checking his eyes, listening to his heart with a stethoscope and taking his blood-pressure once more. Seb alternated looking to Mark and staring at the blank ceiling, trying not to think about anything at all.

His chest was barely moving at all now as Seb felt a strange disconnection from his own body. He felt heavy, as if lifting his head would be an impossible effort. His chest felt warm, even though he only had a t-shirt on his upper-half.

How had he just snapped into freefall when all the doctor had done was ask a simple question? One little question and he’d toppled right over the cliff with the barest of pushes.

It did feel better to lie down and the nausea had passed, but a flush of heat now went through his skin and Seb wished it would stop. Thankfully nothing was being asked of him right now, so he could just lie there, feeling his heart-rate gradually slow and the heat ebb from his body, though it left an unpleasant sheen of sweat clinging to his skin. He saw the doctor look to Mark and something pass between them, even though nothing was said. Seb felt stupidly like crying. He knew she understood what had just happened to him and it left him feeling horribly exposed.

“Sebastian are you feeling any better?” Dr Roberts enquired.

“A bit,” allowed Seb.

“Would you like some water?”

He nodded slightly, so the doctor turned to Mark.

“I’m sorry, I should stay. Just outside the door in the hallway there’s a water cooler with cups. Would you mind getting some for him?”

“Of course.” Mark looked to Seb. “I’ll just be one sec sweetheart.”

 

While Mark nipped out, the doctor took Seb’s pulse once more, then adjusted the upper part of the bed to let him sit up slightly. As Mark returned and passed Sebastian the water. The doctor instructed him to rinse his mouth and spit it out before drinking. She took the bowl away and replaced it with another from a stack on a shelf, then stood patiently observing.

Sebastian tried not to look at her too much, though he could feel her eyes on him as he sipped the water. Dr Roberts gave him a minute, then asked before taking the water to put on the side before re-doing all her earlier checks to measure his pulse, blood-pressure and listening to his heart and examining his eyes, making her notes as she went along. Mark gave Seb’s hand a rub in-between.

“You okay?”

Seb gave a small nod and Mark squeezed his hand.

“It’s alright,” he assured.

The doctor waited for the exchange to finish, the looked at Seb.

“Do you feel up to talking?”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath. The honest answer was no, but he could tell she wanted a yes. If he got this done at least he would be able to go home sooner, so he nodded.

“Okay,” started the doctor softly. “Now, previously we have spoken about how you can suffer from panic attacks.”

She saw the way Seb’s eyes looked down at Mark’s thumb now gently rubbing over the back of his hand.

“Would you say that was a typical example?” the doctor continued as calmly as possible.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder, then glanced to Mark. He had to tell the truth. It wasn’t fair to his family not to.

“I guess,” he admitted. “It varies.”

“Sometimes not so bad?” she hazarded.

“Sometimes worse,” he confessed.

“I see. Sometimes you pass out?”

He nodded, then looked into her eyes, knowing she had far more idea what this was all about now.

“Sometimes I really can’t breathe at all,” he confessed quietly.

“It can get pretty scary,” Mark added.

“Hyperventilating,” noted the doctor.

Mark nodded.

“Worse than that. Much worse, but…” he stopped, not wanting to speak on Seb’s behalf.

“It doesn’t happen so much any more,” tried Seb. “It’s been a long time. A really long time.”

“Mm,” nodded Dr Roberts, “but in Shanghai this past week?”

Sebastian closed his eyes to stay calm, but he nodded confirmation.

“Okay,” she replied gently. “Seb do you want another sip of water?”

Seb nodded again so Mark passed it to him before the doctor could, looking into him and whispering.

“It’s alright.”

“Just take some small sips,” instructed the doctor.

 

Sebastian did as he was told, focussing on that just as she intended. Then he took a deeper breath and looked to her.

“What did he tell you?” he asked.

“Who?”

“Dr Phillips, my team doctor. About Shanghai.”

“He described it as a stress event that led to you passing out.” Dr Roberts looked at him carefully. “He doesn’t know, does he?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Okay,” replied the doctor, “but is that what happened. You had a panic attack and passed out?”

Seb scrunched his eyes shut, but he felt Mark’s hand go over his where he held the cup.

“Sebastian I’m trying to help you,” explained Dr Roberts. “I need to understand what really happened in order to do that.”

 

Reopening his eyes to look at her, Seb nodded reluctantly, his expression unhappy.

“I appreciate that it is a difficult matter to discuss,” she continued, “but it’s not something you need to hide, or feel is your fault. You’ve told me before that you have a history of them.”

Sebastian sighed.

“Not for a long time though.”

“Okay, before this past week how long would you say it has been?”

He sighed out another breath, trying to recall.

“I think, a year and half, two years now almost. A long time. For a real one I mean.”

“A real panic attack?”

“Yeah.”

“So would you say you’ve had episodes approaching one as well?”

“I guess. Just, I guess getting a bit worked up, but not a proper attack.”

Seb looked to Mark who nodded confirmation. Letting out a heavier breath, Seb couldn't help appreciating that it the last full panic attack has been related to the same person back then too.

The doctor was nodding.

“Okay, that may partly explain why it seems to have hit you so hard. Unfortunately these things can reoccur even after a long gap, sometimes without warning, perhaps for no apparent reason on the surface. I appreciate that nevertheless they are distressing to experience.”

Seeing Seb look down, Mark thought that though the doctor was trying to be kind, it wasn’t going to help if she got the wrong impression.

“It wasn’t over nothing,” he informed her.

Sebastian looked his way, so Mark gave a tiny shake of his head to assure him that he wasn’t about to reveal anything. The doctor was trying to get Seb’s eye and he didn’t feel as though he could avoid it now, so Seb looked at her.

“Something triggered the attack?” she enquired.

He turned back to Mark and shook his head.

“I can’t Liebling. I can’t,” he appealed.

“It’s alright.” Mark turned to the doctor. “Please don’t press him.”

She opened her mouth, then closed it before reconsidering her question.

“Okay, but something stressful occurred to cause it?”

Mark sighed and looked back to Seb, both knowing that they had to give her something.

“Not then,” confessed Seb. He stopped, calling on all his courage to tell her what he could. “A long time ago.”

“Something stressful from a long time ago?”

 

He nodded tightly. She was nice, but Dr Roberts had no idea how painful this was. It was like she was trying to peel back his skin with each question. Sebastian felt another wash of emotion, but he couldn't quite take his eyes off her.

“We were in the same place where it happened. I hadn’t realised, and then I did and…” he closed his eyes to take a steadying breath before continuing. “It was awful.”

“What happened was awful?”

Sebastian sat up more and put his free hand to cover part of his face. He let out a sighed breath, then looked to her.

“I meant the panic attack. It just, it was so fast, completely out of the blue and then it was like I was falling.”

“When you passed out?”

“No I mean before that… It was like plummeting down from a height. I couldn't control it. I couldn't breathe. I just couldn't breathe at all. It was like my chest was collapsing in.”

The doctor nodded.

“What else did you feel?”

“I felt sick, just the worst overwhelming nausea and everything was closing in and I just… it was too much, and I couldn't… It just happened so fast and then that was it.”

 

He was speaking too quickly and Dr Roberts was concerned that he might be working himself up again. She she encouraged him to lie back against the rest, sitting propped up sipping his water again. Sebastian’s chest was moving more labouredly and as he looked at the doctor his face was pained.

“I can’t tell you. Please, I…” He shook his head. “I can’t.”

“You mean the underlying cause?”

He nodded and the doctor could only nod back.

“Okay.”

“I don’t want to think about it. The past few days… I’ve been trying not to.”

“And this is why you’re not sleeping?”

Seb nodded. He looked up to her with pleading eyes.

“You can’t put this in my notes.”

“Sebastian.”

“No, please.”

The doctor sighed.

“Dr Phillips’ reference to stress. Does he know?”

Sebastian looked back to Mark, then her.

“Some,” he confessed.

“Okay. But he’s not aware that you suffer from panic attacks?”

“I haven’t had one in a long time.”

“But you did in Shanghai.”

Seb nodded.

“And just now.”

“That wasn’t the same.”

 

The doctor rubbed at her face in frustration. It was like trying to do a dot-to-dot puzzle, only without all the dots shown to either her or her counterpart at Seb’s racing team. She took a deep breath, not wanting to make things worse when her patient was clearly in danger of making himself more ill over this.

“Sebastian any information that I pass over is with your consent. Your medical information is confidential, even in this context. However, I do have to say that it concerns me that you refuse to inform him when Dr Phillips needs to fully know your medical history in order to treat you. In Shanghai he was treating you without fully knowing what he was treating you _for_. That’s a dangerous situation to put yourself in Sebastian. I understand that it is a complicated matter and I’m not going to go against your wishes, but I really need you to think about this.”

She looked to Mark to include him.

“I need you to appreciate that not informing a doctor whose care you are in, of an underlying issue, is to put yourself at risk.”

 

Seb took a shaky breath, his face taut and his eyes glazing.

“You don’t understand,” he appealed.

“I know it’s complicated.”

“No. You don’t understand. What happened. It’s… I just can’t. It’s too horrible. I don’t even want to think about it. I try not to and it’s still there in my nightmares. I wake up and my heart is beating so fast it feels like it’s coming out of my chest and it’s so real, too real and… I don’t want to think about it. I just don’t want to think about any of it.”

Mark had taken the water from him and his arm had gone around Seb. Now he looked to the doctor.

“Please doc, you have to see what this is doing to him.”

“I’m not trying to upset you. I’m trying to help. I’m trying to protect you Seb. I’m trying to make sure you get the medical care that you need, when you need it.”

Seb wiped away an escaping tear and the doctor knew there was only so much she could try to achieve here.

“Seb I’m sorry. I know this must be very upsetting. I’m not asking you to tell me what happened in the past to cause you so much distress. I know it must be traumatic whatever it is. But if he knows the cause, but not the consequence. I’m confused as to why you won’t speak to him about it.”

“He doesn’t know all of it.”

“I see.”

Seb looked at her properly now.

“I can’t tell the team I have attacks. If they knew they wouldn't want me in the car.”

“But you told me that you’ve suffered from them for years.”

“Yes but they don’t know that.”

“My point is that you’ve driven fine all that time, better than fine.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“You don’t know what that world is like.”

The doctor took a deep breath.

“Alright, but your team doctor is still a doctor. Rules of patient confidentiality _have_ to apply. You _have_ to be able to talk to him. That’s why we have these rules. Dr Phillips needs to have a fuller picture. Could you not at least discuss that with him?”

“What do you mean?”

“Could you ask him what rules of confidentiality he respects within your doctor-patient relationship in connection with your racing team?”

Seb glanced to Mark.

“I don’t know.”

“You couldn't even ask him?” pursued Dr Roberts.

Seb sighed.

“I don’t know. Maybe. He’ll want to know why I’m asking.”

Dr Roberts tipped her head slightly to the side.

“To be honest Seb I get the impression that is why he sent you to me. He knows he is missing something and it is worrying him. He is concerned for you as his patient, as any doctor ought to be.”

She could see that Sebastian looked troubled and Dr Roberts wondered how to reassure him.

“Look, everything we discuss is confidential just the same. I’m not going to go against your wishes now any more than I did in the past, but as your doctor I am compelled to be honest with you, and my honest opinion is that you are doing yourself no favours here. You might even feel better for talking to him.”

 

Seb looked to Mark who was remaining deliberately silent, knowing Seb had to make his own decisions on this. Thinking of something else, the doctor tried that.

“Do you still see your psychiatrist?”

“No.”

“Ah, okay.”

“Are you going to say I should?”

“Can I ask if you have discussed all this with him in the past?”

Seb nodded once more.

“Yeah. He knows.”

“Okay. I was just checking that you had at least discussed it with someone.”

“Mark too.”

Seb automatically looked to him, so Mark gave a little nod of reassurance. The doctor nodded as well.

“I’m glad to hear that, but if he’s not currently treating you and Dr Phillips is the doctor who does see you regularly, then shouldn’t you at least consider speaking to him about it on a confidential basis?”

Seb’s hand went back to his face and he rubbed at his eyes.

“I don’t know. It’s not like… what happened. It can’t happen again.”

“You mean the specific circumstances?”

“Yeah. I’ve never had an attack at a race before. Not ever. It was just. It was going there. That hotel, that room.”

He suddenly looked paler and the doctor was struck by how sensitive that trigger point was for him.

“You’re not going there again?”

Sebastian shook his head. Whatever it took he was never even going to _look_ at that hotel ever again, never mind set foot inside it.

“And the original cause?” checked the doctor.

“Is gone,” stated Mark firmly, no intention of letting the doctor lead them in that direction.

She turned to him, almost surprised to hear him intervene at last.

“It’s a long time ago now,” added Seb quietly. “Years. I don’t even know how many now.”

“Half a dozen I think,” Mark contributed.

Seb nodded.

“A long time,” he repeated. “It’s all in the past.”

The doctor nodded.

“Mm, but it’s still affecting you. I’m sorry that’s true and I appreciate the complications, but even if it is just about the potential affect it might have, the possibility you could have further panic attacks and the effects of anxiety on you, are potentially debilitating.

Now, I’m more than happy to see you here. I can try to help if you want to make more appointments, but when you are racing you may be on the other side of the world, correct?”

Seb nodded.

“And the doctor who _is_ with you is Dr Phillips. Does it not concern you that he is working at least partly in the dark?”

Seb’s bottom lip was sticking out now and the doctor knew she had to back off.

“Look, like I said. You can trust me. I won’t pass confidential details over without your consent, but I have to give you my advice and that is to speak to him about this.”

“It shouldn’t happen again.”

Dr Roberts nearly rolled her eyes. How could he be so stubborn?

“I would hope not.”

Seb looked at her, knowing she was saying that she meant it could. It was a horrible thought and as he looked to Mark he knew that was foremost in his mind now. Races where Mark might not be with him, left at home worrying.

“Will you at least think about it?” she pressed.

“Okay,” nodded Sebastian.

“Thank you. I hope you understand I’m only saying this for your sake?”

Seb nodded again.

“Okay,” she accepted. “Right, well, let’s just see how’re you’re doing.”

 

The doctor resumed checking Seb over again, deciding she had made her argument as forcefully as she could without upsetting her patient more. The level of stress and anxiety he was suffering was now her main concern. As Sebastian now sat back she noticed the way he tended to phase out when not engaged with either her or his husband, gazing blankly out without seeming to focus.

“How are you feeling now?” she enquired.

Sebastian sighed out a breath and looked to her.

“I dunno.”

“A bit wiped out?” she hazarded.

Seb nodded, then looked to Mark, another stupid wave of emotion crashing in. Mark saw it and re-took his hand.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Sebastian admitted.

“Can you tell me how you feel, what it’s like, so I can try to help?” she asked.

 

Sebastian set his head back against the padded rest of the examination bed. He started running through it, doing his best to describe the way he felt, the horrible sense of oppression, the unpredictable emotions battling inside him and how it all left him feeling on edge and unstable. The doctor nodded and asked gently probing questions, trying to encourage him to open up whilst not distressing him any further.

“And in addition to disrupted sleep and suppressed appetite, this leaves you feeling exhausted?”

Seb nodded again, looking to Mark still stood stoically beside him.

“Mm,” agreed Dr Roberts, “it’s not surprising that all adds up to leaving you feeling in a pretty bad state. I would say you are suffering from a generalised anxiety that occasionally flares up into something worse, even anxiety attacks. Does that sound about right to you?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I guess. It feels like. I don’t know like it’s floating over me pretty much all the time.”

“Like a dark cloud,” she hazarded.

“Yeah I suppose.”

“And sometimes it rains.”

Sebastian looked to her. It felt like a fairly good analogy.

“Sometimes there’s storms,” he admitted.

“Mm,” she nodded.

 

“What can we do to help doc?” enquired Mark.

The doctor addressed the pair of them, seeing that it was considered a joint concern.

“Well, rest mostly. Try to eat even if you don’t feel like it, just small amounts is something. Get some fresh air and a bit of gentle exercise, though don’t push it too hard or that will only make things worse. It might sound obvious, but do something that makes you happy, that relaxes you.

You have a pool don’t you? Swimming is a good activity as long as you pace yourself, only do what feels comfortable and don’t wear yourself out.”

“I like swimming.”

The doctor smiled. She seemed to remember him telling her so in the past.

“Then give that a go, but like I say, just a gentle swim, not over-tiring yourself.”

“Okay.”

“Another obvious idea, but try to shut off anything causes you more stress or anxiety. Give yourself a pass for a while and only re-introduce things slowly that you find more challenging.”

Seb nodded and she thought of one key issue.

“When are you due back in work?”

“Well obviously I’m not racing this weekend.”

“No but beyond that.”

“Dr Phillips wants to come see me on Monday.”

“Mm, but that’s to check on you. Try to see it as that, not a pressure.”

Seb puffed a breath thinking that seeing as she was pressuring him to speak to his team doctor about things then it automatically became more stressful, but he did know that both doctors genuinely did want him to be well.

 

“What about other aspects of work?” she enquired. “Are you planning on going in to your team base imminently?”

“Um, no not really. When I spoke to Christian, that’s my boss, he kind of hinted he wanted to come over to see me too, but I’m not sure he’ll come with Doc Phillips.”

“He said he’d ring again,” added Mark. “We can sort that out. He only said if it’s okay.”

“Well it’s your call,” allowed Dr Roberts, “but I would advise you think of the bigger picture, put yourself and your long-term well-being ahead of anything else.”

Mark was looking to Seb, both thinking the same thing.

“I’m meant to be racing in Bahrain next weekend,” confessed Sebastian.

The doctor’s eyebrows went up.

“When would that mean leaving?”

“Wednesday.”

 

Dr Roberts puffed a breath and a pause hung in the air, Mark restraining himself from saying anything and Seb not knowing what to say. The doctor said what she thought she had to.

“Sebastian if you were an ordinary person I would be signing you off work right now. I appreciate that you don’t do an ordinary job and I’ve no doubt that your team will want you back, but I want you to have a serious think about things.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m hoping you will have a proper talk with your team doctor when you see him and that you can be honest with him and with yourself.”

“Be honest with myself?”

“Are you helping yourself or making things worse?”

Sebastian’s face went tight, feeling as though it was an accusation. The doctor shook her head.

“Ten years from now will it matter if you missed a race or two? Will anyone really care? Will you?”

Seb opened his mouth, then closed it, trying to imagine that far ahead.

“Will your family?” pressed the doctor.

Seeing Seb close his eyes at that, Dr Roberts felt a little guilty.

“Sebastian what I’m trying to say is that you should prioritise yourself, not force yourself to meet others’ priorities. If you push yourself too hard without giving yourself the time and space to recover, you could make yourself really ill. Mental health is as important as physical health and one has an affect on the other.”

 

Sebastian pouted, angry with himself for feeling like crying at that when he knew it proved her point.

“You’re saying I’m going crazy.”

His voice wobbled and Mark’s arm was around him.

“No sweetheart she’s not.”

Hot tears were spilling out and Seb sat leaning into Mark, his chest feeling tight.

“Sebastian, I’m saying nothing of the kind,” insisted Dr Roberts.

Seb lifted up a little to look at her, wiping traitorous tears from his face.

“Why do I feel like this then? Why am I falling apart after all this time. It was years ago. It’s over. All I did was go into a room and I feel like I’ve been in free-fall ever since. I feel like… like my blood’s all wrong inside me, like there’s electricity in it and then it’s gone and I’ve no power at all, nothing in me and I just… I…”

 

He shook his head, trying to hold it together. He leaned his head into Mark’s chest where he hung onto him. The feeling of him there was the only thing stopping him breaking down altogether. Mark rubbed over his arm, keeping him held in. He was about to say something when the doctor spoke firmly.

“Sebastian can you look at me?” she requested.

Sebastian stayed into Mark, but he lifted his gaze to her. The doctor's voice compelled him to, firm but not threatening, as though it was his mother or his kindergarten teacher. Dr Roberts looked into his eyes to know he was listening.

“What you are feeling is a natural reaction to trauma. Shock and distress overloading you, and then the body and mind’s counter-reaction is to shut-down in order to close that off.”

 

They looked at one another, Seb getting the strangest sensation she was reading his mind, though he knew that was impossible. Mark could feel Seb breathing a little too heavily into him and wondered whether to intervene.

“Whatever happened, whatever it is in your past that caused this trauma, and I am not going to force you to tell me anything you don’t wish to, it is as real in your mind as anything happening right now. Am I correct?” she completed gently.

Sebastian nodded tightly.

“You won’t tell anyone?”

The doctor could understand why Mark was holding onto him this way. Sebastian seemed so vulnerable, so raw, that it was impossible not to want to reassure him.

“Of course not. I would never break any confidentiality.”

“But in your notes.”

She paused, thinking what was factual without causing more problems.

“Dr Phillips wrote ‘stress event’. I suppose consequences of past stress event would be accurate.”

“Thank you doc,” offered Mark.

She glanced to him then back to Seb.

“My primary concern is to make sure you are alright Sebastian.”

“I can feel my heart beating,” he let out.

 

The doctor frowned a little and reached for her stethoscope again so she could hear it. Seb didn’t move from leaning into Mark and she decided it was not beneficial to ask him to lie back. Seb’s heart was thumping away in his chest, but he was breathing very slowly, if a little heavily still. His eyes had closed again, so having put the stethoscope down she placed a hand on his arm.

“Sebastian.”

Seb half opened his eyes to look up at her.

“I’m so tired.”

She nodded.

“That’s a normal reaction after a panic attack.”

Sebastian’s gazed drifted to look at the back of his hand.

“Why are my veins sticking out?”

“Your body is trying to regulate itself. It’s trying to bring your core body temperature down.”

“I’m so tired,” he repeated, Seb’s voice weighted and slow.

“Do you need to lie back?”

His eyes were falling closed, Seb almost able to fall asleep resting into Mark if his body hadn’t been so heavy.

“Sweetheart, just lie back,” instructed Mark, already moving him to do so as the doctor adjusted the back rest to lower it down.

Seb had no energy to do anything other than let them. He lay with his head back, opening his eyes slightly only to look at Mark who took his hand.

“It’s alright. Just rest a minute. It’s okay.”

Mark’s voice was reassuring, calming. Unable to keep his eyes open any more, Sebastian let them fall shut, his arms limp at his sides. In an instant he fell asleep and Mark let out a long sigh before turning to the doctor who appeared surprised at how fast that had happened.

 

“Wow,” she let out quietly.

“He’s okay,” assured Mark sounding more like the expert than her. “It’s just how he gets.”

Dr Roberts observed Seb’s steady breathing indicating he really was asleep. She nodded.

“What his body needs.”

“Mm.”

“This is how he normally reacts after a panic attack?”

Mark nodded. It wasn’t betraying a confidence when she already knew.

“It’s like.” He sighed. “You know he said he feels the electricity in his veins, like a power surge.”

“The adrenaline rush.”

“Mm, and then it cuts, it’s all used up and he’s out. Trying to stop it would just be…”

“Counter-productive?”

Mark huffed a dry almost laugh.

“I was going to say cruel.”

“Mm.”

The doctor carefully lifted the hand Mark wasn’t holding and took Seb’s pulse, finding it had slowed right down now he was properly at rest. As she lowered it onto the bed the doctor looked back to Mark.

“His body is doing what it needs to in order to recover. I would suggest that is a wider lesson.”

Mark sighed.

“Just, cut him some slack, okay?”

“Mark I’m trying to get Seb to cut himself some slack.”

“Yeah. Yeah I know. Sorry.”

 

Dr Roberts ran a hand through her hair, then observed her patient plainly out for the count. No good came of disturbing him in this state. She looked over to the other side where she had covered the disposable bowl.

“I should get rid of that,” she decided. Are you okay here for a minute?”

“Of course.”

She brought over a chair for Mark to sit on, then left him to do what she needed to. When she returned the doctor found no change.

“Do you want a drink?” she offered.

“Hm?”

“I don’t think we’re going anywhere are we? Would you like a cup of tea of coffee? There’s water or a vending machine down the hall.”

“Oh. Um…”

“I’m going to get a coffee.”

“I’m sorry doc.”

“Why?”

Mark gave her a half-smile.

“We’re taking up a lot of your time. Isn’t this your day off?”

“It’s okay. I’ll get some paperwork done. Drink then?”

 

Returning again, the doctor handed Mark a paper cup containing the same black coffee she was drinking. She put a small bottle of Lucozade on her desk and Mark nodded to it.

“For energy?”

“For Seb when he wakes up.”

“Oh.”

“Assuming he’ll drink it, but yes, for energy.”

“Where did you get it?”

“The machine.”

“Oh.” Mark looked to his jacket on the back of the chair nearer her. “How much do I owe you?”

She shook her head and took a sip of her drink before sitting down.

“Do you mind if I just get a bit done?”

“No of course. I should take him home.”

Dr Roberts looked to Mark wondering if he was planning on carrying Seb to their car.

“When he’s ready. I want to check Sebastian over before you go. Consider him currently under observation.”

Mark gave a tiny flick of his eyebrows thinking Seb wouldn't exactly love that notion.

“It’s okay. I don’t have any other appointments today,” she assured. “I was thinking of coming in to get some paperwork done anyway.”

 

Mark nodded, hoping that RedBull were paying her a decent amount to recompense for giving up a weekend day off. With nothing else to do he checked it was okay in here before texting Pauline to say they might be a while and to make sure that Teddy was alright. The reply took a couple of minutes but it came accompanied by a picture of Teddy sat on the kitchen floor wearing his pinny and chef’s hat, streaks of flour and cookie dough on his face as he held a mixing bowl on his knee, a wooden spoon in one hand.

PAULINE: Not to worry, Teddy’s making you some nice treats to cheer you all up. We’ve had a walk and a nap and now we’re baking, so there’s no rush. Love to you both.

Mark smiled, gazing at the picture of their son, then sent a reply.

MARK: Thank you. You’re an angel Pauline. I don’t know what we’d do without you. Gonna be a bit longer. I’ll try and let you know when we’re heading home.

PAULINE: Just look after Seb and get the help you need. We’re fine. Teddy’s being very good. We’re thinking of putting in a joint entry to next year’s Bake Off.

MARK: I’ve no doubt you’d win. BTW there’s some frozen pre-made meals in the little tubs in the top drawer of the freezer for Teddy or he likes beans on toast for his lunch.

PAULINE: All in hand.

MARK: Oh & you, sorry. Whatever you want for lunch just help yourself.

PAULINE: Mark stop fretting. We’re fine. We’ll both have beans on toast and we’ll see you when we see you.

MARK: Thank you.

 

That last message sent Mark turned to look at Seb still sleeping, then sat back with a sigh.

“Everything alright?” checked Dr Roberts.

“Oh, yes, sorry. Just checking on Teddy. That’s our son.”

She nodded.

“Do you need to get back?”

“No actually she was just saying there’s no rush. Our housekeeper that is. Well, she’s more than that, she’s more like family. Anyway it’s fine.”

“Glad to hear it.”

Mark huffed a little laugh as he thought of the picture.

“They’re doing some baking. Do you want to see?”

The doctor smiled, so he came around to her side of the desk and showed her the picture.

“Aw bless. He looks a happy little chap.”

“Yeah.” Mark puffed a breath. “He doesn’t understand what’s going on poor kid.”

“Perhaps that’s best.”

“Mm.”

 

They heard a little noise coming over from the bed and Mark shot over, just in time to be there as Seb jerked awake, blinking bearily and frowning at his surroundings as Mark had hands on his arms, looking into his eyes before the doctor could get there.

“Hey sweetheart. You alright?”

Sebastian was just about to ask where they were when he remembered and looked to the doctor stood just beyond Mark by the bed.

“How are you feeling?” asked Dr Roberts.

“Um, I don’t know.”

“Okay, Mark excuse me I just want to adjust the bed.”

She set the upper part to a partially sitting position and encouraged Seb to rest back into it so she could run her checks over once again.

“Well that’s the best it’s been today,” she confirmed.

Mark gave Seb a smile.

“Little rest.”

“I fell asleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine Sebastian,” assured the doctor. “You need rest. Real rest and then I’d like to see you again.”

“Oh.”

“Just to check how you’re doing. Now, I don’t want you losing any more sleep over what is going in your notes or what I’m going to pass on to your team doctor, so can we agree that I pass on all tests and readings?”

“You mean the scans?”

“Yes and my observations, blood pressure, heart-rate and so on.”

Sebastian puffed a breath, but nodded.

“I won’t pass on our discussion other than to confirm that you are still suffering the issues you already described to your team doctor, but I do want you to talk to him when you see him. Can we agree to that?”

Seb sighed and looked to Mark who resolutely said nothing.

“If you can at least clarify with him where the lines of confidentiality lie,” pressed Dr Roberts. “That’s your concern isn’t it?”

Sebastian nodded.

“So will you agree to at least speak to him about that. If he can’t give you the assurances you need then we can discuss it between us and see how you handle this going forwards. Does that seem reasonable?”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” she affirmed. “Now, I expect you will be discussing when you return to work with him.”

“Yeah.”

She paused.

“I can’t force you to do anything Sebastian, but my recommendation is that you take a bit of time off. When would your following race be after, where did you say? Bahrain was it?”

Sebastian nodded, then looked to Mark.

“It’s um, Baku? End of the month isn’t it? I’m feeling a bit sleepy still,” he excused.

Mark nodded confirmation.

“Yeah, last weekend of April.”

“Ah, well in my opinion that sounds much more realistic,” the doctor agreed. “Though I presume it’s down to you, your team doctor and the team.”

“And the FIA,” intervened Seb. “If I’ve missed one they’ll want to check before I return.”

“Don’t worry about that,” assured Mark. “They’re just standard tests.”

“Fitness to race?” checked Dr Roberts.

“Yeah.”

 

She nodded, thinking there was surely no way the Sebastian she had seen less than an hour ago would pass that test, but then no doubt he could put on a front for them.

“Mm, well I’m going to get a call from your Dr Phillips.”

Seeing a flash of anxiety in Seb’s eyes, she spoke calmly.

“And I will stick by our agreement, as I hope you will.”

“’kay.”

“Good. Oh speaking of which. Drink some of this if you can.”

The doctor grabbed the bottle of Lucozade and opened it before passing it over. Seb looked at the bottle for a moment, then took a swig glad to at least have a different taste in his mouth after throwing up earlier.

 

“I could prescribe something to help you sleep. Tablets for anxiety, but I’m pretty sure you’re going to say no.”

Seb almost gave her a smile for that. She remembered what he was like when it came to drugs, even general prescription ones.

“No. I don’t like that idea.”

“I thought as much.”

“The idea of it just makes me feel more stressed,” he admitted.

“Okay, that’s fine. A pharmaceutical approach is not necessarily the best long-term, particularly if you oppose it. You do need to look after yourself though, and let your doctors look after you. I see symptoms like this usually as a result of traumatic brain injury, which I should point out, you also suffered, which I doubt helps matters.”

Mark looked to her thinking it was the first time she had mentioned this.

“You don’t think it’s still that?”

She puffed a breath.

“No, but the anxiety you suffered afterwards Sebastian is perhaps not entirely unconnected. This comes initially from before then though, yes?”

Seb nodded and she nodded back.

“It just leaves you more vulnerable. It’s also why I recommend you take this seriously.”

Sebastian huffed a dry laugh.

“I know it’s serious.”

“Alright, sorry. Look, speak to your team doctor, then give me a ring and we’ll arrange a follow-up. Hopefully you’ll be feeling much better if I see you in a week’s time.”

 

Looking to Mark, Seb knew she was still emphasising that he shouldn’t be in a race-car a week from now.

“If I’m not in Bahrain the press will really go to town on it.”

Mark shook his head.

“Fuck the press.”

He turned to the doctor, realising how unfiltered that had come out of his mouth.

“Sorry doc.”

She shrugged.

“Nope. Sound advice in my opinion. Not literally obviously.”

Sebastian actually smiled at that and Mark gave him a smile back.

“Sorry darling, but really, they don’t care about you. They’re not a consideration and I don’t want you worrying about them. Britta will handle it.”

Seb nodded.

“Just try to have an honest discussion with your team doctor about it,” recommended Dr Roberts. “That’s all I ask.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, well, that’s Monday, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, so go home, rest up, try to do the things I suggested and if I can ask that you call me either later on Monday or Tuesday?”

 

Sebastian nodded and the doctor went to get them another of her cards to be certain they had her details. He had swung his legs off the bed as she returned to hand it over and Mark collected Seb’s hoody to help put it back on. The doctor waited until that was done.

“If you feel seriously ill Sebastian, then I would ask you to ring me, or Mark. I’m back in tomorrow so I’ll be here, even if it is just to discuss a concern.”

“Okay,” nodded Mark.

“And obviously I would hope this wouldn't happen, but should you have another panic attack and you pass out as a consequence, or indeed if you should faint or lose consciousness for any other reason, I need you to call me and then bring him in to the A&E here.”

Sebastian let out a heavy sigh and the doctor looked to him.

“Hopefully there'll be no need, but repeated incidents are of greater concern and should not be ignored. Do you understand me?”

Seb nodded, but let Mark reply.

“Yes doc. Got it.” He reached to take Seb’s hand. “We’ll be alright though. We’re just gonna take it really easy aren’t we sweetheart?

Seb nodded again.

“Okay,” accepted Dr Roberts. “So, what are you planning when you get home?”

Mark puffed a breath and looked to Sebastian.

“Maybe some lunch?”

Food was the last thing on Seb’s mind, but he nodded.

“Then I guess we’ll just see how we go, spend time with our son, maybe walk the dogs later?”

“Yeah.”

“Just a short walk to get some air,” amended Mark. “Does that sound okay?”

“That sounds fine,” agreed Dr Roberts. “Listen to your body Seb and do what feels right.”

“Okay,” Seb agreed.

As Mark gave him a hand off the high bed, the doctor picked up the Lucozade bottle to hand back to him.

“Give your blood sugar a little boost.”

“Thanks.”

“And we’ll speak soon, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, well until then.”

 

She offered her hand and they shook it before pulling on jackets to go. A minute later and they were down the corridor waiting for the lift to take them downstairs. Mark stood with his arm around Seb as he sipped his drink obediently. As they stepped in and Mark pressed the button, he remembered something and got his phone out.

“Oh Pauline sent this by the way, just to let us know they’re alright.”

He showed Sebastian the picture of their son, making him smile and sigh at the same time. Seb leaned more into Mark, still gazing at the photograph; a small picture of their bigger picture.

“Maybe I shouldn't race next weekend?” conceded Seb.

Mark put his phone away and looked at him.

“Maybe. You don’t need to decide now darling. We’re just gonna take it easy like she said. We can talk to Doc Phillips on Monday.”

“Okay.”

“There’s no pressure. You don’t need to worry about it.”

Sebastian looked up to him, feeling another wash of emotion at him being so supportive when he knew Mark must surely be thinking he ought to simply stay home like the doctor said. He wasn’t pushing though. Not adding any more weight, because Mark understood like nobody else that what Seb needed was the weight taking _off_.

Sliding his arms around Mark’s middle, Sebastian pressed in, putting his head to rest on Mark’s shoulder.

“It’ll be alright,” Mark assured softly. “We’re always alright. We just need a bit of time.”

He kissed Seb’s forehead and Seb closed his eyes for a moment, certain that he could fall back asleep just stood here as they held onto one another. A nice dreamless sleep like he had had earlier. It felt odd to have done so right there in his doctor's office, but she didn’t seem put out about it and Seb supposed she had seen him asleep in bed previously when he had stayed here. Only now did it occur to him that he could have called in at the ward nursing desk to see if the nurses who once cared for him were there, but he didn’t honestly feel up to it, not when he would be showing them that he wasn’t doing great right now.

 

The lift doors pinged open and Sebastian stood upright, taking another sip of his drink to restore him before he stepped out with Mark into the busier entrance areas. There were little shops to cater to visitors, all open at this time on a Saturday when there were plenty of people coming to see relatives. As they passed a small florists Sebastian stopped.

“Are you okay?” worried Mark.

“We should get Pauline some flowers to say thank you.”

Mark let out a little laugh, then sighed and kissed Seb’s cheek. Even when he was going through hell Seb still thought of others. He could say Pauline was more than happy to help and appreciated time to spoil Teddy, but if it felt good for Seb to buy her flowers they should do it. Any bit of feeling good needed to be cherished right now.

 

  


 

When they got home Pauline predictably told them off for fussing, but Seb took pleasure in the smile on her face at being presented with the bouquet of flowers. Even though the drive back had only taken half an hour he had dozed through at least half of it, Mark’s hand on his thigh between gear changes. Now they stood in the kitchen Seb felt tired again, but he smiled as Pauline showed them the roughly shaped biscuits she and Teddy had baked.

“I only put them in while he’s having his nap now,” she explained. “So they’re still a bit warm.”

“They’re great,” Seb praised.

“Just a touch of ginger in them. Really he just enjoyed stirring the mix and squishing the little balls of dough,” Pauline told him.

“You’ll have to do it again sometime,” suggested Mark.

“Oh I’d love to. We had lots of fun.”

“So he’s really been okay?” Seb checked.

“Well, he had a little wobble when you’d just gone,” Pauline confessed, “but he cheered up quickly and he went down like a lamb after his lunch.”

Seb nodded. He wanted to dash up to check in him, but he wasn’t quite up to dashing anywhere and the monitor on the kitchen table was on full, playing out the sound of their son plainly still sleeping in his cot quite safely.

“So I had a little tidy, baked these, and well, that’s about it really,” she reported. “I just went up for a look five minutes ago, but I think he’s worn himself out a bit.”

“All this baking,” agreed Mark.

Pauline huffed a laugh, then appreciated the way Mark was still standing with his arm around Seb. She wondered whether she ought to ask how they had got on or just get going.

“Would you like a cup of tea?” she offered. “You could try one of Teddy’s biscuits.”

Mark would have joked that it was their house so they ought to be making her tea, but just then the monitor sounded.

“I’ll get him.”

He looked to Pauline who took her cue.

“You sit down Seb,” she insisted, putting the plate of biscuits in front of him.

 

It would have felt rude to resist, so Sebastian sat at the table. A minute later all four of them were around it. Teddy was clinging around Mark’s neck while Seb sipped a bit of tea, Shadow and Simba settled by his legs. Mark angled his head to look at his son.

“Aren’t you a clever boy making us these bickies mate? We’re very impressed.”

Seb hadn’t touched one yet, but Pauline gave him a smile as he put down his mug of tea.

“I promise we properly washed hands and the dogs didn’t get anywhere near them.”

He huffed a little laugh, knowing he had to try one.

“Mmm, yummy. Thank you Teddy.”

Teddy stood on Mark’s knee turned his head and watched Seb eat half the biscuit, then let go of Mark to reach out to him.

“Papa.”

Seb could see the look in Mark’s eye was him asking if he was alright to take him, so he turned and put his hands under Teddy’s arms. The moment he did, Teddy pressed in tight, smushing his cheek into Seb’s and winding arms around his neck.

“Hey, it’s alright Liebling. We’re home now.”

“Papa,” repeated Teddy.

“S’alright.”

He cuddled the little boy in close until Teddy relaxed his arms around his neck and Seb got him to sit on his knee, still keeping him in, one arm around Teddy as he returned to sipping his tea.

Sebastian mostly ate the biscuit and drank the tea out of politeness and to show appreciation of Pauline and Teddy, but he was surprised to find that it did leave him feeling a little better.

 

 

Pauline left them with more assertions that they should call her if they needed anything at all and Mark made them some lunch, Seb making a decent effort to eat most of it. That done they took Teddy through to the lounge and sat on the floor with the dogs, letting him play. Seb sat propped into Mark, but it wasn’t long before Mark could tell he was getting more tired.

“Sweetheart do you want to go for a lie down?”

Seb was still gazing at Teddy playing at making fitting some stacking cups inside one another, so Mark looked around at him.

“Seb?” he pressed.

“Not really,” Seb replied to the earlier question.

“Are you tired?”

Exhausted was the honest answer.

“Kinda.”

Mark guessed Seb didn’t much fancy trying to sleep alone in their room and it wasn’t fair on Teddy to stop him playing.

“What about a lie down on the sofa?”

“Um, okay.”

 

Mark gave him a hand to help him stand and went with him to the sofa. Seb hated feeling like such an invalid, but as he sat his body was telling him to lie down and close his eyes. He took a sip of the half drunk Lucozade he had hung on to. It was flat now, but it felt oddly like following doctor's orders to drink it, so he did. Mark had sat with him, but Seb turned to him.

“It’s okay. You stay with Teddy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll lie down.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a kiss, then stood and watched as Sebastian stretched out on the sofa, arranging a cushion under his head to get comfy.

“Do you want the blanket?” asked Mark.

“No I’m alright.”

“Okay.”

Mark ducked back down by him and stroked a hand over Seb’s hair.

“Just have a little rest darling. We’re right here.”

Seb nodded and Mark looked into his eyes for a moment before giving him a smile and getting back up. He sat back down with Teddy now facing towards the sofa. Seb knew he was being supervised along with their son, but he couldn't blame Mark for caring. He watched them back for a minute, seeing Teddy look over, but being redirected to play with his toys by Mark.

The atmosphere was calm, the dogs having their own nap on the fireside rug, Teddy content playing. As Sebastian closed his eyes he could hear Mark talking to their son, asking what he was doing and trying to interpret what Teddy babbled about in reply. It didn’t take long for Seb to drop off.

 

 

Something was touching his cheek. Sebastian moved his head, then heard a voice a little further off.

“Oh Teddy, no darling leave Papa sleeping.”

“Papa.”

Opening his eyes Seb saw their son’s face right by his own. He blinked, seeing that little hand coming his way again, but now Mark was there, gently pulling Teddy’s hand away as he too looked in at him now.

“Sorry darling. I was just sticking some of his stuff away in the box.”

Seb took in a deeper breath and slowly sat.

“S’okay. Hey Teddy.”

“Papa.”

Mark scooped him up and sat beside Seb.

“He’s getting fast on those little legs.” Mark smiled in at Teddy. “Aren’tcha kiddo? Too fast for Daddy to keep up.”

Sebastian gave their son a smile, though he felt a little dazed and still half-asleep from being woken up.

“I got you some more water,” Mark stated, nodding to the bottle on the coffee table, “when I was getting his snack.”

 

Teddy’s plastic sippy-cup and little plate sat on the table as well, crumbs and a few slices of pear remaining on it. Seb drank some of the water, Teddy watching him, then wriggling off Mark’s lap to return to the carpet to play some more.

“Is he okay?” enquired Seb.

“Hm? Teddy?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s fine darling. How are you feeling?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder and Mark nodded.

“How long was I asleep?” Seb asked quietly.

“Not that long.” Mark checked his watch. “Half an hour or so.”

“I didn’t make any noise or anything did I?”

“No darling.”

“I don’t think I have time to dream if I nap.”

“Mm.”

“If I did. If Teddy’s around you won’t let him see will you?”

“Sweetheart.”

“No Liebling please promise me,” requested Seb, his voice rising in tone, sounding more anxious. “You say I talk in my sleep if it’s bad. I don’t ever want him to see that. So take him out. First sign of anything take him out right away.”

“I’d wake you.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. Teddy comes first. You take him out.”

Mark sighed at him finding something else to be anxious about. It was impossible to argue with him when Seb was getting worked up about it.

“Alright sweetheart. I promise I’d take him straight out. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark hugged him in.

“But I won’t need to because like you said, you don’t dream when it’s just little naps. I don’t think you have time.”

Seb buried his face in Mark’s hoody. He sniffled and Mark knew he was hiding tears from their son. He held him in and whispered in his ear.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Naps are safe sweetheart. Naps are safe and it’s just us in the night and I’m there.”

 

Sebastian pressed in a little longer, breathing in that safety. In Mark’s arms; the safest place in all the world. He took in a deep breath of him, then sat up, making sure to sit turned away from their son as he wiped at his eyes. He saw Mark glance past him and looked up.

“Is he okay?”

“He’s fine.”

Seb rubbed at his face worrying what he must look like.

“Can you tell?”

Mark shook his head and stroked Seb’s arm.

“You’re fine.” He nodded over to their son. “And so’s Teddy. Look.”

Seb hesitated, but he knew Mark wouldn't lie to him, so he had to believe there was no obvious sign he’d just cried. As he sat around the right way Seb saw what Mark was looking at. Little Teddy had collected up his brightly coloured stacking cups and was attempting to balance them on their very patient dogs. Simba currently sat with his chin on his front paws, a bright blue cup on top of his head. Teddy was far too busy attempting a similar feat with Shadow to pay any attention to his parents behind him. Sebastian smiled at the sight and Mark hugged him in with one arm.

 

“He’s in his own little world darling.”

“Yeah,” sighed Seb.

“His world is filled with love. The dogs love him. That’s why they let him do that.”

“Poor things.”

“I think they secretly enjoy it.”

Seb rested his head on Mark’s shoulder.

“Yeah maybe,” he agreed.

“And Pauline loves him.”

“Yes.”

“And we love him. That’s what he understands. That’s his world. It’s a safe place.”

Seb put his arm around Mark’s front.

“Don’t make me cry again,” he whispered.

 

Mark huffed a little laugh and kissed him, both of them still watching their son. As he looked at Teddy all Seb could think was how desperate he was to protect him from anything bad ever happening. His brain then shot to the bad things Seb was trying so hard to _not_ think about, to not dream about, to not let into this safe world. His skin started tingling and he hated it, hated himself for getting into this state, over and over again when what he needed was for all that to go away.

“I need to lock the doors but I can’t,” he confessed quietly.

Mark frowned as he turned to him.

“The doors?”

“In my head. I need to lock it off, the bad stuff, but it’s like he’s stolen the keys and he keeps walking through those doors and I can’t stop him.”

There was a look of anguish in Seb’s eyes and Mark was shocked at the abrupt change of mood. He knew that was precisely what Seb was suffering and how out of control it must be making him feel when that was one of the very things that Seb so desperately needed.

Mark gently squeezed him in, turning his body more to face Seb.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.”

“No.”

Sebastian closed his eyes. He needed his blood to stop feeling like either fire or lead. He needed his brain to be washed clean. He felt Mark’s hand on his cheek and looked at him.

“You will be okay though,” insisted Mark. “We will get to the other side. We have before. Okay? You always pull through. You will find a way for it not to hurt so much. It will fade away again and we’ll be back to normal.”

Seb raised his hand to place it over Mark’s.

“I need that now.”

“I know,” Mark nodded.

 

Seb lowered his hand and they both saw it shake. Mark moved his to take it, but they were now both looking at the way the veins were sticking up out of the back as they had earlier in the day.

“You’re alright,” Mark asserted, then worried he might be failing to recognise what Seb really needed. “Do you want me to take Teddy out, put him down for a nap?”

Sebastian shook his head, not wanting to disrupt things when he just needed to step this back and stop things getting away from him.

“Can you help me take this hoody off?”

Mark nodded and did so. Seb taking a deeper breath once it was removed. Mark watched the way his chest moved clad only in a t-shirt. Deliberately slow but heavy breaths. Seb working to control himself and stay calm.

“Is that better?”

A little nod.

“Do you want water or shall I open a window?”

Sebastian let out an uneven breath.

“Window.”

“Okay.”

Mark hurriedly got up to open the nearest one enough to let in some fresh air. Even while he did that he was trying to keep one eye on Seb and the other on Teddy still playing on the carpet apparently totally unaware thank god. As he sat back down he offered the bottle of water as well and kept his hand on it as Seb took a sip. Seeing Teddy now piling his toy cups up again, Mark looked fully to Seb.

“More water?”

Seb shook his head so Mark set it back on the coffee table. Sebastian was breathing in the cooler air from outside, concentrating on it flowing through him. Fresh air was clean. It could flush the bad things away. After a minute he took a deeper breath, then leaned into Mark.

 

“Is that better?” Mark checked.

Seb nodded.

“Do you need anything?” asked Mark.

Taking another deep breath, Sebastian let it out slowly and told himself he was calmed. He looked to Mark.

“I need help.”

Mark opened his mouth, but Seb looked to their son playing oblivious only a few feet away.

“I need this to stop,” Seb continued, then looked back to Mark. “I think I need to call Henry.”

“Dr Menton?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Now?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“Tomorrow maybe. I can’t do it today.”

Mark nodded. He understood Seb meant he couldn’t face talking it through today and he didn’t blame him. There was only so much you could take, even from those trying to help.

“Okay, we’ll do that then.”

Seb had looked back to Teddy. He had to do the hardest things, for his sake. Even if there was a danger attached to it. His fears weren’t as important as finding a way to make a better future for all of them.

 

“I’ll talk to Doc Phillips too. On Monday.”

Mark didn’t need telling what Seb meant by that any more than he did the rest. He merely nodded.

“I know you’d worry if I was at a race on my own,” continued Seb.

“Sweetheart you don’t need to think about that.”

“I do though.”

“You just think about yourself darling.”

“No.” Seb sighed out a breath and shook his head. “No Liebling I can’t do that. I don’t want to. I need to think about _us_. Our family.”

“Sweetheart.”

“No it’s okay. It’s better. I think maybe it might feel better not to hide something at least from someone. If he tells the team, then it’s just done. If they fire me then I’ll just stay home. Maybe that would be better? Maybe I’m not cut out for it.”

“ _Seb_...” Mark sighed, almost wanting to cry himself at that. “They’re not going to fire you. I don’t think he’d tell them. Maybe… I don’t know. Maybe he might want to talk to Christian, but…” Mark shook his head. “They wouldn't let it go further. They’d want to help, I’m sure of it.”

Seb rubbed at his face.

“Maybe.”

“We can talk to him together if you like?” Mark offered.

Seb nodded.

“Pauline could take Teddy for a walk. Give us some space,” proposed Mark.

 

That drew Seb’s eyes back to their son. He hated the idea of their son being sent out of the way, but it would be a difficult conversation whatever happened and it might be best for Teddy to be safely away from that.

“Yeah I guess.”

Mark rubbed his arm.

“It _will_ be okay. Whatever we need to do, we do. Whatever you need me to do for you I will.”

Sebastian sighed into him.

“I love you.”

Mark kissed his temple.

“I love you too darling. We get to the other side. We always do.” He turned Seb’s left hand over and stroked his thumb over the fish tattoo. “Never forget that. We do what it takes and when we don’t know what that is we keep going until we do.”

Seb sent his eyes up to him.

“I’m just really tired Liebling.”

“Oh darling. I meant… I just meant we don’t give up, we don’t lose hope. That’s all.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark was stroking over his hand.

“I know you’re tired darling.”

Seb took in another deep breath and let it out as slowly as possible. It seemed illogical that having had two naps today, being home and doing nothing, he still felt wrung through and exhausted. Teddy was patting his toys and looking to them now so Seb managed a little smile for him before turning his eyes to Mark again.

 

“I don’t think I’m racing next weekend,” Seb declared.

“You don’t need to decide that now.”

“No I think I do. I think it’s better.”

“Better not to race?”

Seb huffed a breath.

“I think just better to know. To decide. To just accept it and let it go. Then I don’t need to think about it any more. It’s just done. If I talk to Doc Phillips he’ll agree won’t he?”

“Darling it’s not up to him to agree. You need to rest. Dr Roberts said so. No one can ever actually make you race.”

“I just need a break.”

“Yeah. You do.”

“You wouldn't be coming anyway.”

Mark looked at Seb. That point had been weighing pretty strongly on him, thought he hadn’t wanted to emphasise to Seb.

“Is that why you don’t want to go?” he asked.

“I do want to go. Well, kindof. I don’t particularly not want to go. Or at least I don’t want to miss a race. But the thought of going on my own isn’t great.”

 

Mark puffed a long breath. Bahrain was a race they never felt comfortable travelling to together and had long ago written it off as being one they could go to as a family.

“If I did go would that make you want to change your mind?” he asked.

Seb paused, so Mark went on.

“I mean, it’s not impossible. We’ve never tested it. Maybe we’d be okay?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I wouldn't want Teddy in that situation. Even if there’s a tiny risk.”

“Maybe your mum could look after him?”

“No Liebling. And even if it was just you and me I’d still be worrying.”

“Hmm.”

They looked at one another, knowing that Seb adding to his anxiety level was absolutely the opposite of what they needed.

“Anyway it’s not totally about that,” Seb asserted. “Dr Roberts is right. It’s too soon. Even the idea of facing the media and just having to get through all that, the whole weekend. It makes my head spin up a little and…” He sighed. “I never thought it would seem preferable not to race, but I can’t do it if I feel like this.”

“And you don’t want to go making yourself feel worse.”

“No.”

“No. Okay then,” agreed Mark.

 

Sebastian took the deepest of breaths, held it and let it out.

“Does it feel better to decide that?” Mark asked.

“Yes.”

“Good. Then it’s done. You’re right. It’s something you don’t need to worry about now.”

And if Dr Phillips or Christian or anyone at the team objected, then Mark would have more than a few things to say to them. If anyone made Seb feel bad about it then Mark would find a way to make them regret it. He gave Seb a smile and instinctively massaged his thumb over the back of Seb’s hand.

 

Seb took yet another deep breath to push out. Mark’s voice was so steady and calm. It made him feel that he had made the right choice. If his career fell apart it wouldn't matter to Mark. Not in any real way. Not in any way that affected how he felt about him. It wouldn't matter to Teddy. They loved him and they would love him no matter what. He was lucky. So lucky it broke his heart. He had to get better for them. Seb looked at his wrist, then Mark.

“Can we put it on?”

“Put what on?”

“Finding Nemo.”

“Oh. Of course.”

Mark paused only a moment before getting up to do as requested, switching on the TV and putting the DVD into the machine. As he returned to the sofa he ducked down with Teddy, stroking his hand over his hair.

“Good boy. Do you want anything darling?”

“Dada.”

“Do you want to sit with us?”

Teddy looked at him, then at the screen to see the bright colours of the film now starting before returning his attention to another of his toys. Mark got up and crossed back to Seb to sit back down.

“’kay?” he checked softly.

Sebastian nodded.

“I’m so up and down. Sorry.”

“No darling, you’ve nothing to apologise for.”

Seb leaned back into him and Mark looked down.

“Do you want to lie on my lap?” he offered.

Seeing as Teddy still seemed okay, Seb nodded and shifted to lie out, his head on Mark’s lap, legs stretched out. He turned his head sideways to look out, watching both the television and Teddy who was now likewise half watching the film and petting his toy dinosaur as if it was one of the dogs.

 

Mark gently stroked his hand over Seb’s hair, both of them taking comfort from it. Mark felt marginally better for offering what help he could and Seb felt a little better from Mark caring for him, helping him to relax. It felt a bit better to have made some decisions as well, even if they were tough ones that he knew would be difficult to deal with and he didn’t know what the consequences would be. For now though Sebastian wasn’t thinking that far ahead. Just now was plenty. Just Mark’s hand going over and over his hair, the touch light but reassuring in its repetition.

“Just rest darling,” instructed Mark, his voice as gentle as his hand. “You don’t need to worry. Don’t worry about anything. I’m right here.”

Gazing at the familiar animation playing out Seb didn’t need to focus on it. He let it wash over him like the water it depicted. He began to drift, his eyelids sagging as he told himself that he could give in to it. Naps were okay. Naps were safe. No time for bad doors to open and Mark there to watch over him. It was okay. Just a little nap to try to feel better.

 

Mark felt Seb’s body loosen against him, his breathing slowing as he fell asleep. He continued to stroke over his hair though, hoping Seb could feel it soothing his mind even in his sleep. Teddy had lapsed into watching the television and Mark smiled to see those wide blue eyes staring at the screen from where he sat on the floor. As the little boy turned his head to look over to the sofa, Mark gave him a smile.

“Do you like the fishies darling?”

“Dada.”

“Yeah. Y’alright mate?”

Teddy pushed himself up to stand, Mark smiling at the amusing way he always did that by putting down his hands and pushing his bum up into the air before lifting up and toddling over. Shadow and Simba raised their heads at seeing Teddy move and Mark huffed a little laugh at them supervising him. Little Teddy tottered over to Mark, putting his hands on his knees as he looked up to him for a moment before staring at Seb and frowning.

“Papa.”

“He’s alright sweetheart. Papa’s just having a little nap.”

“Mm Dada.”

“Yeah mate I’m here. Do you need something?”

Teddy frowned as he looked in at Seb, moving his hand to touch him.

“Leave him be darling,” warned Mark. “Papa needs to rest.”

He caught his hand, but Teddy leaned his face in, squashing it into Seb’s.

“Ah Teddy,” sighed Mark, really not wanting to push him away.

Sebastian woke, feeling his son stroking his cheek. As he opened his eyes Teddy was leaning in again, his papa at just the right height for him for them to be face to face like this. The little boy looked into his eyes, then attempted to give his father a kiss, rather haphazardly pressing his mouth near Seb’s nose.

Mark huffed a laugh thinking it was too sweet to rebuke Teddy for waking him.

“Sorry darling.”

Seb gave a little shake of his head, still looking at Teddy.

“Hello Teddybär.”

“Papa.”

“Yeah.”

Teddy raised his hands and aimed his body in a little lower, stretching in over Seb to fold into his chest.

“Whatcha doing kiddo?” asked Mark, placing a hand on his arm.

Teddy didn’t move, so Seb reached with his arm that wasn’t trapped to rub over his side.

“It’s okay Liebling.”

The little boy murmured into him, so Seb angled his head to look up at Mark.

“Is he okay?”

“I think he just wants a cuddle. C’mere mate.”

Mark tried to pick him up, but Teddy resolutely stayed pressed into Sebastian, letting out an unhappy noise when Mark tried to move him. Seb looked in at him.

“Teddy?”

 

Seeing as his son didn’t answer, Seb tried sitting up, the little boy only moving enough to let him do so, but refusing to be parted from his papa, keeping his upper body leant into him. Seb turned and picked him up, lifting Teddy to sit on his knee, but Teddy merely pressed back in. Seb tried to catch his eye, but the little boy clearly just wanted to be with him. He tried just putting his arms around him, but Sebastian still felt rather tired and though it shouldn’t be, holding him up was proving something of an effort. He was still sat with his legs up on the sofa which made staying upright rather more difficult. Feeling Mark put his hand on his shoulder, Sebastian turned his head.

“Why don’t you just lie back down darling?” proposed Mark. “I don’t think he wants to go anywhere right now.”

As Mark helped Sebastian lie back into his previous position lying his head onto Mark’s lap, Teddy merely shuffled to make himself comfortable, sprawling into Seb’s chest, arms bent up so he could hold onto his papa’s shoulders, head turned to rest his round cheek down.

“You alright like this?” Mark checked.

Seb nodded. He could only just see his son’s face pressed in, but he could feel the way Teddy breathed in and out. It felt nice, reassuring somehow and before long the pair of them were fast asleep, Mark left as the only one sat up and awake, watching over them. He was tired too, but he rested his head against the back of the sofa and contented himself with that. The dogs seemed to think they were missing out, so they got up and trotted over, placing themselves by Mark’s feet.

“Hey,” he greeted quietly as they pressed up against his legs. “You come to check on them?”

Shadow placed his paw on Mark’s foot and nuzzled into him and Mark wondered if they weren’t perhaps checking on him. He managed to reach down his left hand to give each of them a little rub before sitting back again.

 

Mark let out a quiet sigh as he looked at his family. Teddy didn’t usually have an extra nap like this, but perhaps he was still feeling the effects of jet-lag, or maybe he was just sleeping in sympathy with Seb. They both looked peaceful and it helped Mark feel more rested too, even if that was more about his mind than his body that really was fairly exhausted. He was glad Seb had sounded more practical and decisive in making plans to try to improve things, but it still worried him how easily Seb slipped into a state that threatened to descend into something even worse. It made Mark not want to leave his side and though he would not have pressed for it, he had to admit he was glad Sebastian had said he thought it would be better not to go to the next race.

In the past Mark knew Sebastian would have forced himself to bulldoze on to do what was expected of him, but Mark thought it was a positive for Seb to choose _not_ to do that. It was a choice putting himself and his family first. The team might query it and Mark knew that questions would be raised by both them and the media, but as far as he was concerned they could go swivel. They didn’t appreciate how brave it actually was. His brave Seb. How could you ever explain to the world how brave it was just for Seb to go to sleep? How brave it was to dare to ask for help. How brave it was just to keep going when the real battles Seb fought were not on track, but in his own mind.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for a bit of variety, this is a three-parter, complete with an obscure Dr Who reference as the title (just cus).


	257. The Three Doctors - Part 2

 

* * *

 

 

The next day Sebastian felt nervous as he found Dr Menton’s number, staring at it for a moment before he sent a text.

SEB: Hi, this is Seb. I know it’s been a long time, but would it be ok if I called you? I guess you’re not working as it’s Sunday, but if maybe you let me know when might be alright I’d really appreciate it. Sorry to bother you. Thanks, Seb.

He read the message over a couple of times, tweaking it until he thought it sounded okay and even then he showed it to Mark before finally sending.

 

It was mid-morning and they were sat up in the nursery, mostly watching Teddy playing with his toy kitchen, joining in where they could and sitting back when he seemed happy amusing himself. They’d been for a short walk with the dogs, but after another broken night neither Seb nor Mark had felt much like going too far, so they’d come home. Now as they sat on the floor with their son, Seb’s mind had been brought back to thoughts of how he had promised to take action to try to make things better.

He wasn’t expecting an immediate response, so Sebastian jumped as his phone buzzed in his pocket.

“You alright?” checked Mark, his eye caught as he had been helping Teddy who was now pottering about putting various toy foods on plastic plates.

Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded, settling himself as he pulled his phone out to check it.

HENRY: Of course it’s ok to call. I’m not in my office this morning, but if you just want to speak to me I’m free either now or in the afternoon, say around 2? I hope you’re ok.

Puffing the breath out Sebastian re-read the message, the raised his head to see Mark looking at him.

“Okay?”

Seb nodded.

“He says I can call now or in the afternoon.”

“Uh-huh. So, what do you think? You want to do it now or leave it a while?”

 

Sebastian paused, unsure whether it was best just to get it over with. He knew it was going to be a tough conversation, not because he was concerned about it being Dr Menton per se, but to have to explain things to him would mean to some extent re-experiencing it all and even if he managed that without getting too upset, it was inevitably bring everything to the forefront of his mind.

“Do you want me to sit with you while you talk to him?” asked Mark.

Pushing out another long breath Seb gave their son a little smile as he presented him a plate of toy food.

“Thank you Schatz.”

“Papa.”

“Mm, nom-nom. Papa eat it all up.”

“Papa nom-nom,” laughed Teddy cheerily.

Seb huffed a little laugh back. It was a bit early for their son’s nap and he was having a nice time. Why spoil it?

“I think maybe this afternoon,” Seb decided. “Maybe when he has his nap after lunch. Would that be okay?”

“It’s fine with me darling. Whenever.”

“I just think, maybe if you stayed at the beginning.”

“Sure.”

“Is that okay?”

Mark reached to put a hand on Seb’s arm.

“Whatever you need sweetheart.”

“Thanks.”

 

Sebastian returned his attention to his phone for a moment to reply.

SEB: Would it be ok if I called after lunch to have a talk with you about some stuff?

HENRY: That’s fine. Just for the record, it’s always ok to call. I might not always be able to answer right away, but I’ll get back to you whether you ring my office or mobile.

SEB: Thanks. I’ll ring later then. Much appreciated. Seb.

“Okay then?” checked Mark.

“Yep.”

Seb put his phone away. He didn’t want to think about all that yet. No matter how sympathetic Henry was, Seb knew he was bound to be a mess afterwards. He was feeling pretty evenly balanced right now so surely it was better to hang on to that for a while.

 

 

 

Once they had put Teddy down in his cot a few hours later they went down to sit in the lounge. The dogs were with them which Seb was glad of seeing as they helped him feel calm. He took a long deep breath as he looked at his phone, building himself up to making the call he needed to.

“It’ll be fine sweetheart,” assured Mark. “You only have to speak about what you want to.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark turned more to look at him.

“Do you want me to have a chat with him first to explain what’s happened so you don’t have to go through that?”

Seb shook his head. Talking about that was the whole point. He could feel his mouth clamming up though, his throat going dry. Mark had got them some water, so Seb took a sip. He reminded himself that Henry knew all the background to what had happened, that he could trust him and had managed to help in the past. That was why he was calling; to get help, to get better. It would be worth it. Hopefully.

“Okay,” encouraged Mark. “So I’ll stay just as long as you want me. Then give me a hint and I’ll clear out.”

Sebastian looked to him.

“I don’t want to feel like I’m throwing you out.”

“You’re not. It’s fine, really.”

“Should I put it on speaker?” wondered Seb.

“Sweetheart you just do what you want.”

Another long breath followed as Seb made up his mind.

“I think maybe if I just talk to him and you’re here?”

“That’s fine. Don’t worry about any of that. Don’t worry about me. I’m here when you need me. I’ll go when you don’t. And if you need me back I’ll just be getting a coffee in the kitchen. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian almost felt as though he was starting to perspire already, though the window was open letting in cool spring air. He breathed it in slowly. Mark was here. Dr Menton was okay. He wasn’t really going to be telling him any new revelations, just things he already knew in a new context. He could do this.

 

It took a few rings before it was picked up, Seb reassured that Henry must still have his number saved in his phone seeing as he knew it was him when he answered. That familiar voice Seb knew from so many sessions in the past, calm, measured, thoughtful. From all the things they had discussed in the past it didn’t always have good associations in Seb’s head, but Dr Menton’s voice was still the one there in his mind when things got bad, along with Mark’s foremost of course, but Henry’s was there too.

“It’s been a long time,” noted Dr Menton.

“Mm, sorry.”

“No no. As I said, you are always welcome to get in touch.”

“Thanks. So, um, last time we spoke on the phone so is it okay again?”

“If that’s what you need. We could make an appointment for you to come in and see me, but…”

“It’s just with Teddy you see.”

“Your son?”

“Yeah.” Seb looked to Mark. “We’re all signed off now, with the adoption that is, but I just…”

“You’re more comfortable doing it this way?”

“Is that okay?”

The doctor paused.

“Well, seeing as we have a long history I would say that we can manage. So, how can I be of help?”

“Mark’s sat with me,” Seb decided to tell him.

“Ah okay.”

“We’re not on speaker. He’s just here.”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with Seb. How can I help?”

 

Sebastian took a breath, not quite sure where to start.

“I’m supposed to be racing this weekend.”

“But you’re not.”

It wasn’t a question and Sebastian realised that he already had some idea something had happened.

“You knew?”

Henry puffed a breath.

“It was mentioned on the news and I have to confess that it caught my attention.”

“The news?”

“Not a headline as such, but as part of the sports bulletin, yes. I take it you didn’t see.”

Seb rubbed at his jaw with his spare hand.

“I’ve been avoiding all that. To be honest I don’t really watch the news anyway.”

On the other end of the line the doctor nodded, recalling how Sebastian had long since told him that watching the news all too often unsettled and upset him when items on subjects too close too his own experiences were reported. It was no surprise to find Seb hadn’t changed in that habit.

“Mm. Well, sorry to bring it up then. It really was just mentioned in passing.”

“What did it say?”

“That you weren’t participating in the grand prix after being taken ill. That was about it.”

“Oh.”

“Is that accurate?”

“What?”

“That you’ve been unwell.”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of? Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

Seb took a moment to answer.

“Yeah.”

“And that’s why you’ve not gone to this race?”

“I did go. Something happened and then we came back.”

“Ah.”

“It didn’t say that in the report?” questioned Seb.

“Well as I say it was just a brief mention as part of a round-up on the event. I’ve not really seen any papers lately.”

 

Sebastian thought how Britta must have been dealing with all that. When he spoke to her briefly yesterday all she had done was to repeat that he was not to worry. Or to look at any media coverage. Which he had no desire to anyway.

“So you were out for the race,” encouraged the doctor. “I’m afraid I missed which one.”

“China.”

“Ah. A long way.”

“Mm.”

“So to go and come back, I presume you weren’t ill beforehand?”

“No.”

“You were taken ill out there.”

 

Sebastian stopped and in his mind’s eye he could see the doctor's steady gaze on him, sat opposite in his office as he always used to. That gaze was inescapable, leaving Seb feeling as though he couldn't hide. He just had to tell him. So he did, starting by simply recounting events as they unfolded, explaining how everything had been fine until he had the horrific realisation of where he was.

“It just happened so fast. And I just, I knew it was the same room and everything came flooding back, all the stuff I thought I didn’t remember and…” Seb took a sharp breath, that heat in his skin threatening to take over.

Dr Menton heard how Sebastian’s talking had sped on, reading even without seeing him that he was getting worked up.

“Seb take a slow breath for me, just a slow breath and try to stay calm.”

Seb did as instructed, Mark beside him rubbing over his arm and passing him some water.

“It’s okay sweetheart,” he whispered.

Drinking the water Sebastian felt himself steadied and returned his attention to the phone.

“Sorry,” he apologised.

“Are you alright?”

“Kindof.” Sebastian took a deep breath. Why did he feel like crying? “I’m such a mess.”

“Sebastian I need you to listen to me,” instructed his psychiatrist, his voice calm as it always was. “You’ve had a very distressing shock and if I’m understanding you correctly it has awoken some deeply disturbing repressed memories. To have a strong reaction to that is entirely normal.”

 

Seb let out a heavy sigh, so the doctor continued.

“I’m not saying that makes it any easier to endure, but try not to consider it a failing or weakness to be upset.”

Leaning more into Mark, Seb closed his eyes for a moment.

“I did sort of remember before, but… not where.”

“No, well you recall me telling you why that was?”

“It was my brain protecting me from it.”

“Mm and now that protection has been stripped away. Of course that leaves you feeling vulnerable Seb. It’s opened up a Pandora’s Box of unpleasant memories and emotions.”

“It was so long ago.”

“No Seb, it wasn’t. It’s just a few days.”

“I meant what happened, when… when he, when…”

“Seb take a breath, it’s alright. I know what you mean.”

 

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, Henry waiting before speaking.

“I understand that Seb, and we have spoken about it before and it is a terrible trauma, of course it is, but what I mean is what happened the other day is a trauma in itself, so you have the two to deal with.”

“It’s like, I can’t stop thinking about it,” Seb explained. “The more I try to stop, the more it comes to the surface and it overwhelms me. I’m on edge all the time and anything sets me off. We went to see my old doctor yesterday for checks and…” He took another calming breath. “I had a panic attack in her office, throwing up and… I can’t believe I did that.”

“Did it occur out of nowhere, or…?”

“She was asking what happened.”

“Ah. So, not all that surprising then.”

Seb frowned.

“You don’t think it’s surprising?”

“No Seb. Obviously it’s not great, but in the circumstances an understandable reaction, particularly if as you say, you are feeling very on edge.”

“She said it was…” Seb paused and looked to Mark, trying to remember the phrase. “Generalised anxiety.”

“Mm, also not new. How are you feeling about that? Is it another thing upsetting you?”

“I dunno. She knows. I mean, not my past, but she knew I had panic attacks before.”

“Ah, well that’s good then isn’t it?”

“Good?”

“Well I presume she knew what to do to help.”

“Oh, I guess. Mark was there too.”

“Of course,” agreed Dr Menton, thinking he expected nothing less. “So, that much is a positive. Though naturally it happening at all isn’t. Was she able to help you?”

“After you mean?”

“Well yes, but just generally.”

“I guess. I mean she let me rest and she did help.”

“Okay.”

“I suppose I’m calling because of what she said.”

“Oh?”

“She asked if I still saw you.”

“I see.”

“I just… I want to feel better. I’m so sick of feeling this way. I’m sick of being tired and the nightmares and…” Seb closed his eyes again. “I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling so…”

He stopped and the doctor waited, but Sebastian couldn’t find the words to describe it.

“Sebastian this isn’t new is it?”

“No but that’s why. I’m not supposed to be like that any more. I feel worse. I feel like I’m having some kind of breakdown.”

 

Mark squeezed him in and Seb turned big blue eyes to him, speaking more to him than Dr Menton.

“I feel like everything in me is unravelling and I can’t stop it. I can’t stop any of it and I just feel… I feel like I’m falling apart.”

“You feel out of control.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian’s voice was quiet and Dr Menton rather wished he was sat in front of him as they used to so he could see how he was doing, though he had to presume Mark was acting as a buffer to prevent Seb getting too worked up.

“Feeling out of control makes everything else worse, yes?” he posited.

“I guess.”

The doctor paused, thinking things through.

“Seb can I ask why you called me today?”

 

Sebastian frowned, pulled back from feeling so horrible about things to focus on Dr Menton’s question. Wasn’t it obvious from all he had told him why he had called.

“Because of what’s happened.”

“Right, but what was your purpose in calling me?”

“I need help. I want this to stop. I want to feel normal again.”

“Mm, so you’ve taken an action to help yourself.”

“I suppose.”

“So you are already making steps to improve things,” asserted Henry. “Look, talk me through all the things you are feeling and thinking and what you have done since you got home. Just step-by-step, walk me through things. Try to put a little distance between yourself and events to make it easier. Do you remember how we used to do that?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Okay, let’s walk things through then.”

 

Sebastian took the deepest of breaths and did as requested. It helped that the voice on the other end was the same as when he had done this in the past, coaxing the information out of him without Seb tipping over the edge. It also helped that Mark was right there with him, arm not budging from around Seb as he spoke. As he described things Sebastian felt himself spiking, but every time Dr Menton heard this he reminded Seb to slow, to try to detach his words from the emotion behind them. It wasn’t easy, but as he reached where they were today Sebastian felt some relief.

“So I think it’s worthwhile going over a few of your coping techniques for when you feel you are getting overwhelmed or on the edge of having panic attack,” decided Dr Menton. “First is recognising what is happening. If you can direct your mind to take that step back you are already on the right path.”

“It’s just hard not to fall into the hole though,” admitted Seb.

“I know, but it sounds as though a lot of the time you are appreciating what you are going through, that’s a start. So, you tell me, what do you do to try to remain calm?”

“Um, I try to take slower breaths.”

“Good, what else?”

“Cool down literally, open a window or take a layer off. When I get worked up I feel like my blood is too hot, I start sweating and my heart’s beating too fast.”

Sebastian started to feel that as he described it so he tried to take a deeper breath.

“So you do something to manage that,” encouraged Dr Menton.

“Um, yeah I guess.”

“Does it work?”

“Mostly. Even if it passes I still feel upset though and I get more upset at that.”

“If you cry?” guessed Henry.

“Mm.”

“Okay,” Henry replied softly hearing his reticence. “You know there’s no shame in crying Seb. It’s a release of emotion. Think it of a safety valve.”

“I guess. I just don’t want to do it in front of Teddy.”

“Well I can understand that, but in front of Mark?”

 

Seb automatically looked to Mark sat with him.

“You alright?” whispered Mark.

Seb nodded, then replied to Dr Menton.

“That’s okay. I mean I don’t like it, but I get what you’re saying. I dunno, I think I’ve been doing better at managing things.”

“When it gets too much?”

“Yeah. It’s still horrible and it takes quite a long time to really pass, but it’s a night I really struggle.”

“When you have nightmares.”

“Yeah. When I wake up, that’s… It’s bad. By the time I wake up I feel like I’m already in the middle of a panic attack. It’s really hard to pull back from it. I wake up in a sweat and my heart is pounding and I’m breathing so heavily I can’t think about anything other than that.”

“And your brain is most likely not fully awake yet.”

“That’s what it feels like,” agreed Seb. “I feel like I’m between the two and…” he was breathing more heavily now, “I don’t quite remember it, but I know I was there and it’s bad, it’s really bad.”

“Flashbacks.”

“Yeah. Really bad,” Seb repeated helplessly, doing his best not to slip there now.

Mark rubbed over his arm.

“It’s okay.”

Leaning more into him, Sebastian felt that prickling of the skin warning him that he needed to force his breathing to slow, to try to stay calm.

“You re-experience his attacks during your dreams?” asked Henry.

“Please, I don’t want to think about it.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I appreciate it is very distressing, even in abstract.”

“It’s not in abstract though. That’s the problem. It’s real and I need to shut it out. I need it to go away,” appealed Seb.

“Sebastian do you have a drink there? Some water perhaps?”

“Yeah.”

“Just take a drink and give yourself a moment,” instructed Dr Menton.

 

Sebastian sat forwards and Mark let go of him while he had a drink, letting his phone drop to his knee as he did.

“Are you alright sweetheart?” Mark checked.

Swallowing his current sip of water, Seb put the glass down and took in a deep calming breath.

“Yeah.”

“The nightmares are horrible I know,” Mark sympathised.

Those blue eyes looking back to him were wide and filled with pain as Seb nodded. Mark took his hand and stroked his thumb over it.

“Is this helping?” he asked.

“This?” Seb nodded to their hands. “Or talking?”

Mark gave him a half smile.

“I meant the call.”

Seb nodded, then settled back in against him before lifting his phone back to his ear.

 

“Sorry,” he apologised to Dr Menton.

“That’s okay. Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Just, you see how it gets.”

“Mm. Okay well you’ve spoken about what you do if things get on top of you in the day. What do you do at night?”

“Mark looks after me.”

He was looking into Mark’s eyes as Mark looked back, whispering that it was okay to reassure him.

“And how does he do that?”

“Same as he always has. It’s not new.”

“No, but bad dreams are more frequent at the moment?”

“Yeah a lot more.”

“And how does he help?”

“He just. He wakes me up if I’m trapped in a bad dream, cuts it off. He puts his arm around me and talks to me, reminds me it is a dream, not now. He tells me I’m safe. He just… He pulls me back from it all, gives me a drink and calms me down and we just, we just sit until it passes.”

“Okay. So you have his support at least.”

Seb was busy looking up at Mark, mouthing ‘thank you’, Mark shaking his head in reply before whispering again to check Seb was okay before he carried on.

 

“Okay,” responded Henry. “Well let’s start with the positives; you are taking action to help yourself. Not just seeking support from myself but your other doctors. That’s a big step Seb, more so than you have ever in the past I think, particularly if you are feeling confident enough to discuss matters with your team doctor.”

Seb huffed out an almost laugh.

“I’m not exactly feeling confident about it.”

“No alright, but deciding to do so is a brave step. Even if you don’t feel confident on the surface, it speaks to it being there beneath.”

“I just feel like I don’t have any choice.”

“You do Seb. That’s important. It’s your choice. You are deciding to do it, to talk to him about your panic attacks and the fact you feel you need some time out.”

“It’d just be missing a race.”

“Yes but would you ever have done that before?”

“I suppose not. I mean I missed races after my accident.”

“Not really through choice though.”

“I guess.”

“So you can appreciate that you’re actually taking several positive and courageous steps to help yourself. You say you feel set back, but really Seb, you’re actually making incredible moves to improve matters, things you wouldn't have done before. That’s really encouraging to hear. You should be very proud of yourself for being so pro-active when you’ve said you are feeling low.”

Seb huffed a tiny laugh.

“Pro-active?”

“Yes. Taking positive action to help yourself.”

 

He huffed another breath, but it wasn’t a laugh this time.

“It’s not for me,” he confessed.

“Of course it is.”

“It’s for Teddy.”

“Your son.”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb, his voice quiet again as he felt teary at the thought of their child and how this could affect him. “I hate that he’s seen me like this. How it has to be upsetting him. It makes me feel horrible.”

“Sweetheart,” Mark whispered, “he’s okay.”

“So you’re getting help out of guilt about not being a good enough father for your son?” challenged Dr Menton.

“No.” Seb frowned, stung by that suggestion. “No I…”

“Do you not think you are worth helping for your own sake?”

Sebastian blinked several times.

“I… I just want it to stop. I want to go back to how I was before.”

“Before last week?”

“Yeah.”

“Because you were doing okay then?”

“Yes.”

“Right. So you do want it for yourself. That’s not a crime Seb. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get help so you feel better.”

“I know but… I do want it for him too. I need to.”

“Need to what?”

Seb closed his eyes.

“When he came to us I promised myself I would never be like that again. I wouldn't fall apart all the time. I’d be stronger. I’d be the parent he deserves.”

“What makes you think you’re not?”

Seb huffed a mirthless laugh.

“I’ve been crying more than Teddy does. I wake in the night. I hardly eat. I’m the baby. Mark’s having to look after both of us and it isn’t fair on him. I’m supposed to be a grown-up now. I’m supposed to cope.”

“Seb,” sighed Mark. “No darling.”

“I am.”

“Sebastian,” cut in Dr Menton. “Don’t put yourself down. From all you’ve said, it sounds to me that you are doing all you can to cope. You’re doing what you have to in order to get back to where you were before this happened. To do more than that. I’m not saying your son being motivation is a bad thing, but it has to be for you too.”

 

Seb stared out, not even looking at Mark as he thought about that. When he didn’t answer, Dr Menton pressed on.

“Don’t add to an already difficult situation by thinking you are weak or lesser in any way for being affected in the way you are. Everything you have described sounds an entirely natural reaction to reawakened trauma. All the walls you built up in your mind to keep that at bay are down right now, and I’d suggest you’re still suffering from shock at what occurred. Just to walk back into the place where something so traumatic happened would be extremely distressing, but the fact it was part of a repressed memory is…”

He paused, thinking of an analogy that might make sense to Seb.

“I would liken it to the top being blown off a dormant volcano,” he suggested. “And now you’re fighting to block it back up, but the more you fight, the worse it gets. Yes?”

“Yeah,” agreed Seb.

“Mm, well I’m sorry Seb, but I’m not sure trying to jam the lid on is helping. We’ve talked before about how when you suppress your feelings it tends to only make things worse.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath and sighed it out.

“So what, I just let it out? I don’t want to even think about it.”

“I know,” replied Henry sympathetically. “I understand why.”

“It’s not even anything new. All it is knowing where it happened.”

“That’s enough though. More than enough. And it feels new? Am I right? It feels fresh in your mind?”

“Sort of. Not really in the day. It just creeps in and upsets everything in me.”

“Which is bad enough. But at night? Your nightmares. Do you remember them?”

“I try not to.”

“But when you wake. The effect of these flashbacks is extreme, yes?”

“I don’t want to think about it,” protested Seb.

The doctor sighed.

“I know and I understand, but we need to be clear about what is happening.”

Sebastian sighed as well.

“Yeah. Okay, I guess you’re right, yes it feels like flashbacks. In the night when I wake it feels like I’ve just been yanked out of it.”

“And it feels real and present.”

“Yeah.”

“Mm.”

“It feels horrible.”

“Of course it does.”

“It makes me not want to go to sleep at all and I’m so tired. I’m just so tired.”

“Hardly surprising if you’re not sleeping.”

“I fall asleep in the day. I have naps like I’m a toddler.”

“Seb,” sighed Henry. “Don’t do that. Don’t put yourself down. You need sleep so you take it when you can. That sounds essential to me. You’re not going to help yourself if you are exhausted.”

“I can’t really stop it anyway,” admitted Sebastian.

“Stop what?”

“Falling asleep in the day. I just sort of drop off.”

“Without warning?”

“No, I just get so I have to sleep and if I relax on the sofa or something then I struggle to stay awake.”

“I see,” nodded Dr Menton. “Well, as I say, you’re tired from lack of sleep in the night, so that’s a perfectly natural consequence. You’re home. I presume your son is being looked after by Mark when you have a nap?”

“Of course.”

“Right, so it’s not a problem. Or is it?”

“They feel safer,” confessed Seb.

“Safer?”

“When I only have a nap I don’t have time to dream.”

“Ah. I see. So they’re positive.”

 

Sebastian frowned, too busy thinking about that to answer.

“Seb try not to get caught in the trap of seeing everything negatively,” asserted Dr Menton. “You’ve enough to deal with without adding to it. Try to find the pluses where you can. Recognise what you are doing that helps; taking some time out, talking to your doctors, getting rest where you can, spending time with your family. They’re all good things, yes?”

“Well yes, but…”

“But?”

Sebastian huffed a breath.

“How do I stop feeling like this all the time?”

“Feeling anxiety.”

“I guess that’s it, and when it gets worse.”

“When it spills over into panic attacks?”

“I think I only had two, but when I wake in the night and when things get on top of me it feels like I’m on the edge of one.”

“Which is distressing in itself.”

“So what do I do?”

 

Dr Menton rubbed at his beard.

“Seb we’ve been here before. I’m afraid there aren’t quick fixes. This is why I’m glad to hear you are taking a bit of time out. You need that time to process what you’ve been through. Think of it like a physical injury, you would need time to heal. A mental scar is the same. The protective shield your brain built around it has been ripped off and now that injury is exposed again.”

“You mean I knocked the scab off?”

“Basically. And it hurts.”

“Yeah. It really does,” agreed Seb more quietly.

“Yeah,” echoed the doctor. “It’s gonna feel pretty shitty for a while.”

Sebastian’s eyebrows went up.

“Sorry if that’s a bit blunt,” apologised Dr Menton. “I think it does help to accept that it is expected to feel pretty bad right now. I’ve no magic wand to fix that with a few words. It’s never been that way has it?”

“I spose.”

“What happened to you was terrible Seb. It’s painful to have to think about it. There’s no way round that other than try your best to step away from feeling as though you are re-experiencing it and remind yourself that awful as it is, it is in the past. Your pain is not new, but old. Your life is not that any more. Your life is transformed. In the time I have known you Sebastian, you have changed both your circumstances and your ability to deal with things beyond recognition.”

Seb looked to Mark, thinking how true that was.

“Tell me about the good things in your life,” requested Dr Menton. “Tell me about your family, your home life now. A lot has changed since we last spoke. There’s plenty I don’t know, so tell me all about it. Tell me about your son.”

 

Sebastian let out a slow breath and began talking, telling his psychiatrist about his life these days, or at least how his life had been until this recent interruption. It felt like sinking into a warm bath, safe and comforting, Mark there just as he would be as they sat together. Dr Menton merely listened, coaxing a little more from Seb here and there to encourage him.

“So you’re happy?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not always easy but of course I’m happy. We wanted a child so badly and now… Yeah, we’re a family and it’s great. We had some really good times over the winter break especially. Christmas and holidays and trips and just getting lots of time together.”

“That’s great Seb. So you have a happy home life. A husband and son whom you love and who love you.”

“Yeah.”

“So, the thing to do is to hang on to that. When the painful memories intrude and you feel things getting away from you, my advice is to try to press pause. Take some slow breaths as calmly as you can and redirect your mind to remember the past is the past and your present is completely different. Do you have some nice photos on your phone, perhaps of Christmas or your holidays?”

“Yeah I’ve kindof got tonnes.”

“Perfect. So, keep your phone handy. Ideally leave the gallery on your homescreen to make it easy to access and use it to help focus your mind on the reality which is that your bad memories as just that; memories. The pain is old. The joy in your life is present. It is your reality. It doesn’t make the past cease to exist, but hopefully it should help to gradually push it further away, where it belongs.”

 

Sebastian took the deepest of breaths and leaned more into Mark.

“How does that sound Seb?” prompted Dr Menton.

“Yeah that’s good.”

“Once you feel like you have stepped back enough, try something to help re-balance your mood. Maybe listen to some music to help create a nice peaceful atmosphere.”

“Okay.”

“I’m still not saying you can flick a switch Seb, just look for ways to help you pull back in the worst moments and remind yourself that your life is good, you are loved and you are safe.”

Without warning tears spilled out and Mark rubbed over Seb’s arm.

“Oh sweetheart, what’s he saying?”

Seb used his spare hand to wipe his face.

“No it’s good.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Seb are you alright?” broke in Henry.

“Yeah, sorry.”

The doctor heard the roughness in his voice.

“Do you not feel those things?” he enquired.

“No I do. I just…”

“You didn’t used to.”

“No.”

“And this last week has brought the feelings of not having that to the surface.”

“Yeah.”

“But you _do_ have that now Seb, and you deserve to feel all those good things. Before you were putting yourself down, like you used to in the past. Why is that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Really?”

 

Sebastian sighed at Dr Menton not letting him off the hook.

“I guess… I don’t know. Feeling like that, like I used to…”

“It makes you think about yourself in the same way?”

“Yeah.”

“Mm, okay well try your best to separate them. Your past experiences are just that, and the way you thought of yourself, the way you were made to feel about yourself, belongs just as firmly in the past.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t sound convinced Seb.”

“I just feel pretty crappy all over right now.”

“Yes. Of course you do and it’s going to take a while to come back from that, but let’s try to work on what we can to start moving upwards. Apart from the bad memories intruding, what other aspects are you struggling most with would you say?”

“I dunno. I feel… just, out of control I guess.”

“Mm, and that’s upsetting in itself to you.”

Sebastian knew Henry understood him too well to know that was true and why.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’ve said already, whilst aspects of this may be essentially out of your control, bad dreams for instance, try to focus on what you _are_ taking control over. Getting help, taking time, doing positive things to feel better. What else helps you feel better?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“I guess, spending time with my family.”

“Uh-huh what else?”

“Just, normal stuff, home stuff; Walking the dogs, swimming, playing, or I suppose just watching Teddy play.”

“Okay, good and are you doing those things?”

“Yeah. I mean, not walking so far as normal, but we’ve been out and yesterday we had swim.”

“Great, so ticks there. What else?”

“I dunno. I don’t really feel up to much else.”

“I’m not looking for big things Seb. Small things.”

Seb paused, sure they would sound silly.

“Just, I mean we put a film on and cuddle up on the sofa.”

“That sounds wonderful. How does it make you feel?”

“Good.”

Dr Menton huffed a laugh.

“We can do better than that Seb. How does it make you feel?”

Sebastian was looking to Mark.

“Safe. Loved.”

“Yes. There we go: Unconditional love. Does that sound accurate?”

 

Seb had closed his eyes as he leaned into Mark, stoic and silent, ever supportive.

“Yeah. I just feel bad.”

“You feel bad about being loved?”

“No. I… I feel bad Mark’s having to do so much.”

“Sweetheart,” whispered Mark.

Seb looked up at him.

“I do though.”

Dr Menton guessed this had become a three way conversation, so he paused a moment before pulling Seb back.

“Seb from all you’ve ever told me about Mark, from all I’ve ever seen, does he resent having to help out a bit more for a while, taking just a little more of the weight while you get back to where you need to be?”

Sebastian was gazing up at Mark now.

“He never does.”

“Because it is unconditional love Seb. Unconditional. Does he love you less for needing help?”

“No of course not.”

“Do you love him less because you are tired and feeling low?”

“No. I love him more, or I don’t know, I’m not sure I could love him more than I already do, but I love him with all of me, all that I have.”

 

As Mark squeezed him in, Dr Menton replied.

“So you love him unconditionally in return.”

“Yes, absolutely.”

“And you trust him.”

“Completely.”

“So you are equal.”

“He does so much though.”

“A temporary setback.”

“No.” Seb paused. “He always does.”

“You don’t do anything for him? Normally I mean.”

“I try.”

“Any complaints it’s not enough?”

Seb sighed.

“He’s not like that.”

“What do you mean by that?” questioned Henry. “Do you think he resents helping you, but won’t say?”

“No. I just feel bad that’s all.”

“So it’s about you, not him.”

“Yeah.”

“Seb beware of letting yourself dip into feelings of unworthiness, of blaming yourself for what is happening now, any more than you should blame yourself for what happened in the past. Maybe it is more on Mark at the moment to support you, but that isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. It's not on you. You aren’t failing. You aren’t unworthy. You aren’t weak. You are suffering, yes, but your reaction is to reach out for help. To do all you can, to risk what you would not previously for the sake of your family.”

“It is for Mark too.”

“Of course it is, for all of you. Its okay for it to be for you as well as them. The two are inseparable.”

“I still feel bad about Teddy,” Seb confessed.

“How so?”

“For him to see me like this. He was there in China and he was scared. I’m sure he was.”

 

Dr Menton puffed a breath.

“How old is he?”

“Fifteen months.”

“Mm, okay well that’s still very young Seb. I’d be very surprised if he had any real understanding of what was going on.”

“Yeah but I think he sensed it.”

“Perhaps.”

“He was so quiet,” Seb explained. “He’s never usually like that.”

“Oh?”

“He chatters all the time, burbles mostly. We don’t really know what he’s trying to say, but unless he’s tired he talks away usually.”

“Forming language.”

“Yeah.”

“And has he been quiet since, or has he perked up?” enquired Henry.

“I guess he’s been more like himself since we got home.”

“So that’s good then. Seb you can’t help what happened in China. It’s not your fault. My guess would be that your son was confused by it, but now he’s home it’s forgotten.”

“Do you think so?”

“Is he behaving unusually?”

“He wakes more in the night. I mean he’d been sleeping through, but since we got back he’s woken up at least once.”

“Well he’s been to the other side of the world and back. Does he not normally take any time to adjust?”

“I spose.”

“Anything else about his behaviour that suggests anything is wrong?”

“I dunno,” sighed Seb. “He’s quite clingy.”

“More than usual?”

“On and off. I feel like he’s worrying about me and that’s just not right.”

“Seb he’s a toddler. I don’t think it’s that complex. A child that young works on instinct. You say clingy. Do you mean he won’t let go?”

“At times. He does go play and then he comes and hugs in and sometimes doesn’t want to leave.”

“Only you, or both of you?”

“A bit both, but it feels like more me.”

“Mm.”

“So doesn’t that mean he knows something is wrong?”

“I think you might be projecting a bit Seb. If his instinct is to give you lots of hugs but otherwise he’s playing as normal that doesn’t sound so bad to me. Is he generally okay? Eating, interacting with others?”

“Yeah.”

“Right, well then without knowing him or seeing him right now I’d guess he’s fine. If the worst of it is that your little boy wants to hug you I’d say he’s just showing how much he loves you, like you love him.”

“Of course I love him. I just want to be well for him.”

“Okay, but my point is he loves you anyway. I don’t have to see him to know that.”

 

Sebastian thought about that. Dr Menton had never met Teddy, but Seb knew he was right; his son did love him.

“He loves you if you or well or if you are not,” asserted Henry. “He loves you if you are happy or sad. Just as Mark does. Just as you love them. Yes?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t have to want to get better to be worthy of them loving you.”

That made Seb pout. It did feel that way right now.

“Seb I’m just gonna put this out here without needing to see even five minutes of you with your son. I’m prepared to bet he thinks you’re the bee’s knees, the cat’s pyjamas.”

“The what?” queried Seb, pulled out of his thoughts by such an odd phrase.

“Just that he’ll think you’re everything. You are everything to him. You’re his father.”

“Mark too.”

“Of course Mark too, but we’re talking about you Seb.”

Sebastian gazed over to a couple of Teddy’s toys left on the lounge carpet from earlier. Teddy had seemed fine today. A few extra hugs weren’t exactly something to complain about.

“Yeah okay, I get what you’re saying.”

“I’m not suggesting that your family isn’t a good motivation for working on dealing with all this Seb.”

“No okay.”

“And saying you want to put your son first and that you are concerned about him above all else only tells me what a good father you are.”

“Thank you.”

 

Seb’s voice had gone quieter again.

“Are you alright?” checked the doctor.

“Yeah I’m just tired. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise. I understand. Perhaps we should round up for now?”

“Oh okay.”

“Was there more you wanted to talk about?”

“Um, I dunno. I am pretty nervous about talking to my team doctor tomorrow.”

“Mm, well just remember you are in control Seb. You decide what to tell him. Do you trust him?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“No I… I mean as a person he’s fine… I just worry about what he’d have to tell the team.”

“Well then that’s your first discussion. He referred you to me in the first place Seb. Has he ever broken trust about treating you when you first went to stay with Mark?”

“No.”

“Okay, so you might want to think about that.”

 

Sebastian puffed a breath as he thought. Dr Phillips never had said anything about what he knew about Heikki. That did mean a lot.

“Christian is gonna call too,” Seb noted. “I’m going to have to talk to him about not racing next weekend.”

“I see, well, all I can suggest Seb is that you think about those who are on your side, the people who have stood by you, whether you believe that they have your best interests at heart.”

“Mm.”

“It’s your decision Seb. Remember that. Whatever you say to them is your choice. It is you taking control of a very difficult situation and putting your well-being and your family above career, above your team obligations. When it comes down to it, is it really a hard choice?”

Seb frowned a little as he thought about that.

“No, I spose not.”

“There you go then. Make it simple. I bet you’ll feel better after talking to them.”

“I hope so.”

“Well if you want to call me, either after tomorrow or later in the week we can arrange that, or you could come in to see me?”

“Um, maybe. Is doing this again okay?”

“If that’s what you need.”

“I will sort out paying you.”

“Not my primary concern Seb, but thank you.”

“Can I text to sort out when?”

 

The doctor smiled, knowing that meant Seb would be calling again.

“That’s fine. So, you can let me know how you’re getting on. I know you don’t feel in a great place right now, but taking some time off is good, getting help is good. I have faith that if you just take some pressure off yourself without anyone asking you to pretend to be anything you’re not for a while, you will make much better progress.”

“Yeah. I mean, I know if I raced then I’d have something else to distract me, but…”

“If you want to go race Seb, then as I say, that’s your call, but you sound to me like you don’t.”

“Not that I don’t want to race. it’s the whole weekend, the media, all of it and I just, I don’t feel like I have the energy to do it right now.”

“No well, there we go then. If you want distractions I’m sure you can find plenty closer to home. You’ve talked about the things you do to help you feel relaxed and happy. Do them. As you hopefully start to feel more improved and you feel up to it then set your sights a little higher and do something more adventurous; venture further, maybe have a shopping trip.”

Seb actually huffed a laugh.

“Shopping?”

“Well whatever you feel like doing, but just going away from home, somewhere busier rather than just your family. Only when you’re ready and you feel like it, but I’d suggest you do something of that nature before you return to racing so it’s less of a shock if you’ve been mostly tucked away at home.”

“Oh right, I see. I’m not really thinking that far ahead.”

“No, well perhaps not. If you’re going to call me again we could discuss steps forward then couldn't we?”

“Right. I guess so,” agreed Sebastian.

“Okay, so you’ll remember what I said about focussing on the positives and accepting you’ve had a set-back that will take some working back from.”

“Yeah.”

“And don’t berate yourself for needing help and needing time to pull back from this.”

“Okay.”

“Alright then. So you’ll text and we can arrange a follow-up call.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate you making time for me.”

“That’s okay. Do you feel this has been a constructive conversation?”

“Yeah course.”

“Good. Just remember to find the positives and try to appreciate that it is entirely natural to feel upset and unsettled at the moment. There is no reason to feel guilty about it any more than there is about doing whatever you need to in order to start feeling back to normal.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“You’re an incredibly resilient person Seb. Give yourself time. Believe me I speak from experience when I say you can do this, you can bounce back. Not in five minutes, but you will get there.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath at hearing such a confident affirmation, then sighed it out.

“Thank you.”

“I mean it Seb. I’ve known you a long time, so just, if you’re having a bad day, or it’s the middle of the night and it’s hard to see a way out of this, just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going towards it.”

Seb looked to Mark. Dr Menton knew how he and Mark always spoke of keeping going in dark times. It mattered, as did the idea that there was a path out of this, even if it was currently too dark to really see it, the path out was there.

 

 

Once they had said their goodbyes and Dr Menton had reminded Sebastian that it would be fine for him to text to arrange another call, Seb finally hung up. As he sat back from putting gown his phone he turned to Mark beside him.

“How’re you doing?” Mark enquired.

Seb nodded, then leaned back into him, Mark wrapping his arms right around him and kissing his temple.

“Thank you.”

“All I did was sit here.”

“Exactly. Just sitting with me all this time waiting.”

“You didn’t send me away.”

Sebastian turned his head to look up at him.

“Sorry.”

“No darling I’m kidding.”

“You’re so patient.”

Mark just gave a little scrunch of his nose.

“Nothing better to do,” he dismissed, not wanting to comment that it actually felt better to sit with Seb so he could keep an eye on him and know he was okay.

“Thank you though.”

“Was it stuff that helped? Dr Menton I mean,” asked Mark.

Seb nodded.

“I guess it’s not new stuff, but it’s sort of reassuring to hear it.”

“Good. Do you want to talk about it or are you worn out talking?”

Seb gave him a half smile.

“Kinda tired, but…” he rested his head onto Mark’s shoulder. “Just giving me tips to manage stuff when I’m struggling.”

“Okay.”

“I know you do everything to help...”

“Sweetheart anything that helps is good.”

“I think just… I dunno, it might sound weird but it’s sort of reassuring to hear him say it’s okay I’m feeling this way. Well, not okay, not good, but that he thinks it’s normal.”

“Of course it’s normal.” Mark angled his head to see him. “And I don’t want you worrying about either Teddy or me.”

“I do though.”

“Well don’t. You don’t need to worry. We’re fine.”

“Aren’t you tired?”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“Knackered, but it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry Liebling.”

“You don’t need to be sorry.” Mark pressed his cheek into Seb’s forehead. “You don’t need to be sorry darling.”

 

Sebastian slunk his arm around Mark’s middle and squashed in.

“He called it unconditional love.”

Mark angled his head to look.

“Hm?”

“That you do this,” Seb explained. “That you never complain. You just… You just do this.”

“Of course. What else would I do?”

Seb huffed out a tiny laugh.

“You wouldn't do any different. Kinda the point Liebling.”

“Ah.”

“I just…” Seb let out a sigh into him. “I need for it to be okay that I’m not okay for a while and you make it okay.” He squinted up at Mark. “Does that even make sense?”

“Yeah it does. And it’s okay not to be okay, until you’re okay to be okay again.”

Seb helplessly laughed a little at that.

“Guess I am tired,” smiled Mark.

“Me too.”

“Shall we just have a snuggle here?”

 

Seb nodded and they rearranged themselves to squash up together lying on the sofa. Mark looked into his eyes and spared a hand to stroke over his cheek.

“For the record sweetheart of course it’s unconditional love. I love you with every breath that I have, with every thought in my mind, with every, every part of me. Every part of me loves every part of you.”

“Even the fucked up parts?”

“Ah Seb. None of you is that. There are the hurt parts, the recovering parts and the strongest bravest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. That trumps the rest sweetheart. That wins out. That’s what makes me the luckiest bugger on the planet.”

Seb blinked as his eyes glazed at that.

“Because it’s yours,” he asserted.

“Hm?”

“My heart is yours. It’s filled with you Liebling. You and Teddy, and how much I love you.”

Mark rubbed his nose into Seb’s.

“See, unconditional love there too sweetheart.”

“Completely. I completely unconditionally love you.”

Huffing a little laugh, Mark gave him a squeeze.

“I know.” He kissed Seb. “So we’ll be okay.”

Seb thought about that.

“My head’s pretty messed up, but I guess at least my heart is fine. You know, okay this’ll sound silly, but you know those pictures you see with hands wrapped around a heart?”

“Ah, yeah I think so.”

“Well that’s how it feels, like it’s protected.”

Mark sighed a little at that. It was his job to protect Seb’s tender heart. If only he could do more to protect his other vulnerabilities.

“Course it is sweetheart. And you filled up this lonely old bloke’s heart right to the brim, so we’re good.”

“Lonely?”

“Once upon a time. Long gone now though darling. You fixed all that.”

Sebastian pouted.

“You’re going to make me cry again.”

“I don’t mean to.”

“I know. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise. Nothing to apologise for, nothing to worry about, nothing to fear.”

Sebastian took in a deep breath as he absorbed that, then pressed in. Mark kissed him again as Seb got comfortable.

“Also you give great snuggles,” he added. “Can’t think how I got by in life without these once.”

 

That raised a smile as he intended and Seb rubbed his cheek against him. He had many secrets in his life, but one of the nicer ones was that a big tough bloke like Mark would use the word ‘snuggle’.

“Takes two to snuggle,” he offered.

“Well yeah,” agreed Mark lightly, “I mean the dogs kinda give it a good go, but it’s not the same.”

“I’d really hope not.”

Sebastian felt the way Mark chuckled at that. He loved it when he could make Mark laugh, even more when he felt it through his body like this. Pressing into him, strong warm arms holding him in against that firm chest. Safe safe safe. Safe. Just switch your brain off and feel warm and safe and don’t think about anything else but that: Safe safe safe. Safe safe safe. Loved loved loved. He rolled the words and the feeling they gave him around his mind until it lulled him and nothing else resided there but that.

 

 

He didn’t really mean to drop off, nor indeed did Mark, but this time neither one of them could stop themselves from falling asleep, just as their son was upstairs in his cot. It was Teddy that woke them, the monitor on the coffee table signalling he was up as he called out ‘Papa’ ‘Dada!’ plaintively.

When they got up to the nursery it was to find their son stood in his cot pouting, arms going out to his parents the moment he spotted them coming in.

“Papa Dada!”

“Yeah mate alright, calm down, we’re here,” assured Mark as he went to lift him out.

Teddy squashed in, then lifted his head and turned to Seb beside them.

“Papa!”

Mark smiled and handed him over for another cuddle. Thus comforted Teddy settled in to rest his head on Seb’s shoulder, holding on around his neck. Seb angled his head to try to see him.

“Was that a nice long nap Schatz?”

“Ap,” echoed Teddy, his round cheek still pressed firmly in.

“Yeah. Us too.”

 

Seeing as they were all still just properly waking themselves up they went to perch on the window ledge, Mark and Seb turned into each other and Teddy relaxing enough to sit on Seb’s lap rather than cling to him. Mark glanced out to the garden.

“Pretty nice out there,” he observed of the spring afternoon, “fancy maybe getting his trike out and letting him have a trundle around?”

“Um, yeah okay.”

“Don’t have to.”

“No no that’d be good,” assured Seb.

Mark looked at the way Teddy was sat with him, thinking Seb was probably appreciating it.

“Maybe in a minute,” he amended, “go down in a mo, cuppa to wake us up, yeah?”

“Yeah that sounds nice.”

“Good stuff.” Mark smiled at Teddy. “You can have some milk and a snack while Papa and Daddy have a cup of tea.”

The little boy frowned a little so Mark patted his mouth as sign-language for him.

“Milk and nom-noms for Teddy.”

“Mm,” replied Teddy, patting his own mouth.

“That’s it. Good lad. Doggies come out to play with us.”

“Doh-doh!” beamed Teddy excitedly.

Mark noticed the way Sebastian was gazing at their son and caught his eye.

“See, he’s fine darling. Nothing to worry about.”

“’kay.”

Mark gave his arm a rub and leaned past Teddy to kiss Seb’s cheek.

“We’re just gonna take all the time that we need,” he asserted.

Sebastian nodded, knowing he didn’t mean right now before they went out for a play.

 

 

 

A couple of minutes later they were down in the kitchen, sat at the table as they ate and drank. Teddy was in his high-chair, Mark was busy wiping his chin, when Sebastian’s phone starting ringing in his pocket causing him to flinch so badly at the noise that he nearly dropped his mug.

“You alright?” checked Mark as he saw how that had disturbed him.

Seb’s heart really had jumped at the sudden sound invading their nice peaceful scene and it took him a moment to settle himself sufficiently to actually take his phone out and look who was calling. He pushed out a slow breath, knowing he was taking too long to answer.

“Who is it?” enquired Mark.

“Doc Phillips.”

“Ah, okay.”

He raised an eyebrow and Seb knew he was asking why it was taking him so long to accept the call. Just the sound of his ringtone made him so nervous. It felt like pressure, like he was being checked up on. Which of course he was.

 

“Sorry, hello,” Sebastian rushed as he connected the call.

“Sebastian, how are you?”

“Um, yeah,” Seb non-answered in reply. “Sorry I didn’t answer right away.”

“That’s okay. I’m just waiting to board my flight back.”

“Ah okay.”

“So how are you doing?”

“Yeah um, you know, just… yeah.”

Dr Phillips frowned as he sat in the airport departure lounge on the other side of the world. Still not answering his question. Still sounding rather flustered and twitchy.

“Are you at home?” he checked.

“Oh um, yeah in the kitchen. We were just going to go outside.”

“Ah well I won’t keep you. Did Christian call?”

“Today?” frowned Sebastian. “No he just texted earlier.”

“Mm, well race days are hectic I suppose.”

“Why?”

“No I just wondered.”

 

Sebastian frowned, wondering why if they had been together at the track Dr Phillips couldn't have just asked him in person earlier.

“He said he’d call when he’s home tomorrow.”

“Gotcha, right well I’m really just checking about coming round to see you.”

“Uh-huh.”

“That’s still okay?”

“Course. What time?”

“Well it’s going to be early hours when I get home, so if we say mid-morning?”

“Um yeah that’s fine.”

“Half ten?”

“Sure.”

“So Dr Roberts sent me her report,” commented Dr Phillips.

“Right,” Seb replied, trying not to show how that made him tense up.

The team doctor picked something up in those short replies though and guessed he wasn’t going to get very far on the phone with Seb.

“Okay, well we can discuss that tomorrow and just have a little chat, see how things are going.”

“Right, um okay, so ten thirty.”

“If that’s alright?”

“Yep fine. And you’re coming here to the house?” checked Seb.

“As long as that’s okay? You can come in to the factory instead if you’d prefer?”

“Oh um, no I think, I mean...”

“I’m quite happy to come to you.”

“Right, yeah I think if that’s okay?”

“It’s fine Seb, I’d better go, they’re calling my flight. So I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Sure, okay well safe flight.”

“Thank you. Till tomorrow then.”

“Okay, bye, thanks for calling.”

 

Sebastian hung up, put his phone on the table and scrunched up his face as he huffed out a frustrated breath before looking to Mark.

“Oh god, did I just sound like an idiot?”

Mark shook his head.

“It’s fine.”

“It just threw me.”

“Mm, well, don’t worry about it.”

“He’s coming round at ten thirty tomorrow.”

“Right.”

“I didn’t even check with you.” Seb sighed. “Sorry Liebling. God I just… Why did that make me so nervous?”

Mark reached to take his hand.

“Don’t be worrying about him coming over tomorrow sweetheart. It’ll be fine.”

“I don’t even know how I’m going to tell Christian I think I should skip next weekend.”

“Seb it’ll be fine. We’ll just talk to them.”

 

Sebastian looked to Teddy who was now jigging his almost empty cup up and down.

“Do you think Pauline might take him for a walk while he’s here?”

“I’m sure she will.”

“Maybe we should ask if she’ll just come a bit later rather than staying ages?”

“If you like. I’ll text her. Why don’t we say ten, then she can do her thing for a bit, then pop out with his lordship here,” proposed Mark.

He saw how Seb was staring at their son, and tried to get his attention.

“Seb?”

Sebastian looked back to him.

“Yeah. Unless it’s better if you take him out?”

“Would you rather see Doc Phillips on your own?”

Pressing his lips together Seb tried to think what was best.

“Sweetheart whatever you need is fine. If you want some space I’ll take Teddy for a walk. If you’d rather I’m with you, I’m sure Pauline will be happy to do it.”

“Is it awful if I want you?”

“No. Why would it be awful?”

“I just…”

Sebastian shrugged and Mark guessed he didn’t want to say he needed Mark there to hold his hand, quite possibly literally.

“It’s fine. Teddy will be perfectly happy to have a stroll out with his Auntie Pauline.” He turned to their son. “Wontcha mate? Have a nice bit of fresh air while Papa and Daddy are busy.”

“I’m just a bit nervous,” confessed Seb. “What do you think Dr Roberts has told him?”

“What she said she would. Darling don’t stress about this.”

Sebastian puffed out a breath and Mark gave his hand a rub.

“C’mon, let’s go out,” he encouraged. “Do us good.”

 

 

Seb nodded and stood as Mark did, clearing away before going to put on shoes and jackets, the dogs trailing with them until the back door was opened and they bounded outside. Seb carried Teddy out while Mark set his trike out on the grass and Sebastian put him on the seat ready for them to play. Lord only knew what impression he had given Dr Phillips. Tomorrow was going to be horrible.

“Papa!”

Smiling to his son, Sebastian re-directed his attention to encouraging the little boy as he worked on pushing himself along, Mark shooing the dogs out of his path.

“Very good Liebling. Aren’t you getting fast? Clever boy.”

They played on, Seb and Mark taking turns to help their son when he needed it and standing back when he seemed capable of doing it for himself. After a while Teddy tired of his trike and decided the dogs were more fun, so Mark helped him climb off so he could toddle about with Shadow and Simba, laughing and patting at them as they nosed in. Mark and Seb mostly stayed knelt to the side on the grass by him, watching and waiting in case they were required. Teddy however seemed content just to have smiles and encouragement from them as he amused himself with the dogs. Eventually he tired of them though and tottered over to his parents, casually flinging himself into waiting arms he knew would be there.

Mark laughed and hoisted him up before sitting the little boy on his knee facing towards Seb, the dogs now joining them to sit on the grass. Sebastian smiled in at Teddy, stroking a knuckle gently over that lovely chubby cheek. This was what he was working for. He to brave the things that scared him for his family's sake.

 

 

* * *

 


	258. The Three Doctors - Part 3

 

* * *

 

  


Mark wasn’t altogether surprised that Sunday night into Monday was worse than the one before. After his conversation with Dr Menton, Seb had actually done pretty well through the rest of the day, even eaten a healthy evening meal almost as if things were just back to normal. Unfortunately as it turned out, that food only provided something for him to throw up when he woke in the night from a particularly gut-churning nightmare.

Thus it was that they were in a bathroom again, Mark’s arm around Sebastian as he knelt vomiting into the toilet bowl. Seb barely felt the hand there as it moved to gently rub his back. He had closed his eyes as the room span around him, the nausea rolling around and around until he threw up again until his stomach was empty.

“Ah sweetheart,” sighed Mark.

Sebastian rested the side of his forehead on his arm and breathed heavily until he found the energy to spit out what remained in his mouth. His body sagged as he sighed out a heavy breath and Mark angled his head in to try to see him better.

“Sweetheart are you okay?”

“Mmph,” mumbled Seb.

Mark puffed out a breath, glad at least to get some kind of response from him. When Seb had shot up in bed panting for breath as he was wrenched from another nightmare, Mark had known it was bad, but he hadn’t been entirely prepared for him to bolt from the room so fast he had to chase after Seb.

“Can you stand?”

Seeing Seb let out a long breath, Mark decided it was best to give him a moment. He flushed the toilet, then stood to pull on one of the towelling bathrobes hung on the back of the door, draping the second one around Seb before rubbing his back once more.

“Do you think you’re gonna be sick again?” he enquired.

Seb shook his head, still not lifting it, so Mark filled a cup with water and offered it to him.

“Some water sweetheart.”

 

Sebastian opened his eyes to look, then slowly raised his head to see Mark looking at him with such concern.

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright. Just a bit of water to swill out your mouth.”

Giving a tiny nod, Seb managed to lift up enough to take the cup, Mark’s other arm back around him to help him stay upright. Spitting the taste out felt a fraction better, so Seb did it again, then drank a little of the water before his hand sank back down.

“Shall I take it?” asked Mark.

Sebastian nodded again, staying where he knelt as Mark went to put the cup back on the side of the sink. He closed his eyes again and when he reopened them Mark was right there. Right there as he always was.

“I’m sorry.”

“No darling. It’s okay, c’mere.”

He helped Seb put his arms into the dressing-gown, wrapping it around him and helping him stand, though Seb felt the room spin even more as he did.

“I feel dizzy.”

“Okay, it’s alright, we’ll just sit,” asserted Mark as calmly as he could, knowing he needed to be solid for him.

 

They perched on the side of the bath, Sebastian leaning into Mark who made sure he kept a firm hold of him. Sebastian closed his eyes and rested his head onto Mark’s shoulder, though even as he tried to centre himself Seb knew how Mark must be worrying.

“I just need a minute,” he assured.

“Yeah. It’s alright.”

Mark pushed out a long breath as he felt Seb breathing rather more heavily into him. Seb was starting to think he could fall asleep right here, though he wasn’t sure whether that was just a sign of him feeling light-headed. Mark didn’t rush him though. He waited patiently until Sebastian lifted up and looked at him.

“Hey,” he greeted softly.

Sebastian was conscious of the way his chest was moving in and out, though he felt strangely disconnected from the rest of his body.

“I think I need to lie down,” he admitted.

“Yeah. Okay. Do you still feel dizzy?”

“Bit.”

“Okay.”

  


He waited until Seb initiated standing, then helped him to walk back to their room, not letting go of him even as they sat on the bed.

“Do you want some more water?” Mark asked.

“Yeah thanks.”

Mark passed it to him, returning it to the side when Seb was done. Sebastian moved to lie propped up by the pillows at the top of the bed.

“You don’t want to lie flat?”

“Not yet.”

“Okay,” agreed Mark, thinking that was perhaps best if there was a danger he might be sick again.

He went to grab the bin and put it by Seb’s side of the bed, then arranged himself next to him, Seb staying back on the pillows as he stared blankly at the ceiling. He could feel his heart beating away, his pulse bouncing in his neck and Seb continued to breathe heavily as he worked on keeping his mind as blank as the painted ceiling that filled his vision.

  


Neither one of them knew how long it was before Sebastian leaned into Mark, Mark slipping his arms back around him.

“Is that better?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

Feeling Seb sigh out a heavy breath, Mark looked in at him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Seb shook his head against him.

“Okay,” Mark accepted.

“I’m sorry Liebling.”

“No darling it’s alright. You don’t have to talk if it’s not going to help.”

“Just not right now. I’m sorry.”

Mark heard his tone rise and stroked over Seb’s arm, not wanting him to upset himself further.

“You don’t need to be sorry. I understand.”

“It’s just the same thing over again,” explained Seb flatly, “even when it’s different it’s the same.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark heavily, knowing what that meant.

“I just want to shut it out.”

“Yeah,” repeated Mark softly. “I understand. I really do darling.”

Both of them knew that discussing the subject and cause of Seb’s nightmares was hardly going to help him stop thinking about it. So instead Mark merely held onto him, taking hold of one of Seb’s hands with his own and going over the back of it with his thumb until Seb fell asleep.

They were still on top of the covers in their bathrobes, still propped up slightly, Seb with his head resting by Mark’s shoulder. It wasn’t ideal, but at least it felt peaceful, so rather than disturb him, Mark simply reached to tuck the duvet around them as best he could and settled for staying as they were. He actually felt as though it was a good thing that the doctor was coming to check on Seb in the morning, even though conversely he knew that was at least part of the reason why his husband was so disturbed tonight. Huffing out a long breath, Mark glanced over to the baby monitor thinking how grateful he was that Teddy was sleeping through, so far at least.

  


 

  


They were fortunate with that much as Teddy favoured his parents with a full night’s sleep, only waking just as the sun started to come up. Seb hadn’t woken again either which was something, though Mark guessed he had exhausted himself enough to be granted a dreamless sleep, something accounted a win in present times. When Mark came back upstairs with drinks for them, Seb had finally climbed under the covers, Teddy with him as he made himself comfortable against the pillow. Mark smiled as he put down the tray on the side.

“You pair look cosy. Room for a little’un?”

Sebastian gave him a smile back, sitting up more to offer Teddy his cup of milk. As Teddy sat drinking that fairly independently, Mark gave Seb his tea and got in alongside them to drink his own. He huffed a little laugh at their son sat between them.

“Quite the king of the castle, aren’t you mate?”

“He’s being very good.”

Mark nodded and smiled at Teddy again before looking up to Seb.

“You ‘kay?” he checked lightly.

Seb nodded. With the light of dawn and their little boy happy beside them, it felt a long way from the dark of night.

“I’m sorry, you know for waking you and,” Seb cast his eyes to Teddy, “stuff.”

“Don’t worry about it sweetheart. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Seb took a sip of his tea, then gave him a little smile, not wanting to linger on negative thoughts when he would far rather defer thinking about what was coming today.

“You make the best tea Liebling.”

Mark smiled back, then gave Teddy a wink.

“Your papa gives the best compliments kiddo.”

He reached a spare hand to place over Seb’s in case he thought he was joking.

“Very kind sweetheart. The little things.”

 

Seb nodded and they looked into each other’s eyes for a moment before being called back to reality as Teddy lowered his cup spout and burped.

“Ha, lovely mate. You hungry by any chance?”

“Dada.”

“Hm.”

As Teddy took another drink he smiled at his father and promptly dribbled milk down his chin. Mark chuckled and found a tissue to wipe him.

“Mucky pup. We’re not on the clock here Teddy, take your time.”

He tried picking Teddy up to sit on his knee, but the little boy was having none of it, wriggling to sit back between his parents as he had been.

“Alright, have it your way,” relented Mark. He shook his head at him. “Stubborn little thing.”

Sebastian stroked a hand over Teddy’s hair.

“He’s comfy,” Seb defended.

“Mm, well we’ve got a couple of hours before we need to get up. So, guess you’re right little buddy, we should just relax for a bit.”

Mark stretched out his legs and reached for his tea once more, maybe talking was over-rated? This felt nice and nice was definitely _under_ -rated. They should just make the most of this before facing what the day brought.

  


  


It was Mark that fell asleep this time, Teddy too taking a nap as they sat in the drowsy warmth of early morning. Seb however sat up propped watching them, trying not to think about the team doctor’s visit getting ever closer. When it reached nine am he decided he had better wake them so they could get up. He reached over the top of their son’s head and gave Mark’s shoulder a shake.

“Mark.”

“Hm?”

Mark turned his head slightly, still not properly awake.

“Liebling you need to wake up now, sorry.”

Taking in a deeper breath, Mark opened his eyes, then pushed himself up, rubbing his face and looking blearily to Seb.

“Are you okay?”

Seb sighed a little at that being his automatic response even before he properly woke up.

“Yeah I just thought we’d better get up now.”

“Oh I see.” Mark took in another breath to rouse himself then looked at the time. “Gotcha.”

He looked down to Teddy still sleeping between them and huffed a laugh.

“Bless him.”

Sebastian smiled. Their son looked so lovely asleep, his round cheek pressed down and that fair hair getting all mussed up again.

“Perhaps we should leave him?”

“Here?” frowned Mark.

“Tsk no, put back him in his cot.”

“Ah.”  


Mark puffed a breath so Seb tried pulling the duvet back to scoop the toddler up, but the moment he did, Teddy stirred. The little boy scrunched up his face, then opened his eyes and scowled.

“Oh dear,” smiled Mark. “Didn’t like that did you buddy?”

“Sorry Liebling,” apologised Seb as he lifted him into his arms.

Teddy hesitated, as if unsure whether to be annoyed at him, then thought better of it and put his arms around his father's neck, squashing into Seb.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Seb apologised quietly to him.

All he got in reply was a muffled ‘Papa’, so Seb got out of bed with him and went to find his slippers, stepping into them as Mark smiled over.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Mark joined them. “Are you tired buddy-boy or do you want to come and get some breakfast with us?”

He got one blue eye peeking out in response and Mark touched his cheek.

“Nom-noms for Teddy?”

“Nmm.”

Both parents smiled at that, fairly sure it was an affirmative. Breakfast it was then.

  


  


 

They still had plenty of time after breakfast to take turns showering and getting both themselves and Teddy dressed for the day before Pauline arrived at ten. By the time Seb had thought about the fact he could have fitted in a nice calming swim before their visitor arrived, it was too late, so instead he and Mark sat in the lounge, letting Teddy play while they waited and Pauline got her essential jobs out of the way. They were sat on the carpet, the dogs with them as Teddy experimented with making a tower out stacking cups, laughing to himself as he knocked them over before starting again. Mark huffed a laugh as he did this again, then looked to Seb, seeing him rather distracted.

“Okay?” he checked.

“Mm.”

Mark put his hand over Seb’s.

“It’ll be alright.”

Sebastian huffed a long breath. Easy to say. He wasn’t so sure about it and the longer they waited, the more nervous he got. He’d surprised himself by being quite hungry at breakfast, but that was nearly an hour ago now and he was starting to regret eating so much as a queasiness took over. It was one thing to have to explain to his team doctor that he’d had a panic attack back in China. What if he actually had an attack in front of him today as he had at the hospital? Oh god, the team would never let him near a car again, surely?

 

As he felt Mark’s thumb rub over his hand, Seb took a steadying breath. Mark was going to be with him. If it all went to hell then, well, at least he had this. If he couldn't drive any more then maybe he’d just stay home with Teddy like Mark had last year. If it was good enough for Mark, then maybe he’d just adapt to it too and just leave racing behind him?

“Try not to spin yourself up sweetheart.”

Seb almost laughed at that. Mark could read him too well.

“I’m just a bit nervous,” Seb confessed.

“Yeah.”

Another deep breath and Sebastian pushed it out. He looked over to Teddy. This was for him. He could do this if he kept that foremost in his mind.

  


  


Five minutes later they heard the noise of a car pulling onto the drive, the dogs barking as they jumped up to investigate.

“No no boys,” warned Mark. “We’re having a visitor. Don’t go getting excited.”

Seb was trying to tidy Teddy’s toys away, but the little boy pouted, trying to grab them back as his father put them in the box.

“No!”

“We need to tidy up Liebling. You help me.”

“Mm Papa!” complained Teddy, trying to knock them out of Seb’s hand.

“Oi, no you don’t sunshine,” stopped Mark, taking hold if him and lifting Teddy away.

“Dada!”

“Let Papa tidy. You’re going to go for a nice walk with Auntie Pauline.”

There was a knock on the door. Seeing the apprehension on Sebastian’s face, Mark gave him an encouraging look.

“I’ll get it. Boys come with me.”

He hitched Teddy to the side, dipping to save one of their son’s dinosaur toys from the box so he could hang onto it, then waving the dogs on as he opened the door into the hall. When he got out there Pauline was emerging from the kitchen. She was about to offer to answer the door when Mark pointed to her.

“Boys, go on into the kitchen,” he instructed.

Pauline nodded back to encourage them, holding the door wider.

“Through you go boys, don’t be getting in their way.”

She went to give them some food to keep them busy while Mark turned the other way to open the front door.

 

“Hiya mate,” greeted Mark as he found Dr Phillips stood on the doorstep.

The doctor smiled at the sight of him there, complete with toddler on his hip.

“Hello.”

“Come on in. Seb’s just setting the lounge to rights.”

“Oh?”

“This young man likes to make a mess,” smiled Mark.

“Ah, yes. Hello Teddy.”

Mark looked in at his son.

“You remember Doc Phillips don’tcha kiddo?”

The little boy merely frowned and pressed into his father, so Mark led them back to the lounge where Sebastian had just managed to square away the toy box out of sight. He stood straight, wishing he’d had another moment to make himself look more presentable.

“Oh um, hi.”

“Hello Seb. It’s good to see you,” the doctor replied, offering out a hand to shake.

“How was your flight?”

The doctor huffed a laugh.

“Long, but then you know that for yourself. Of course most have just gone straight to Bahrain, but I’m not unhappy to get to see home in-between.”

“Have a seat,” prompted Mark. “I’ll get us drinks if that’s okay? Sweetheart do you want coffee or tea?”

“Oh um, I think just water actually.”

“Righto. Doc?”

“Um, yes a coffee wouldn't go amiss. Not had the most sleep to be fair.”

Mark nodded, thinking the same was true of them, but he wasn’t going to lead with that.

“Two tics then. Milk, sugar?”

“Black, no sugar please.”

“A man after my own heart. Right, c’mon kiddo, let’s go find Auntie Pauline in the kitchen.”

 

As Mark left them Seb sat down, the doctor putting his medical bag by his feet as he sat with him. Seb rather wished he had chosen the other sofa, but he knew that proximity was rather crucial if he was here to check on him. He tried to think of polite small talk, but it all seemed to be pushed out of his head.

“So, Seb, how are you doing then?” asked the doctor instead.

Sebastian attempted a smile, then shrugged, not wanting to begin with a lie. Thankfully Dr Phillips simply nodded in reply.

“Pauline, our housekeeper, she’s going to take Teddy out for a walk with the dogs, so Mark’s probably helping sort them out,” Sebastian explained.

“I see.”

“I’m sure he’ll be through in a minute.”

“I’m in no hurry. Perhaps we could make a start though? I do want to give you a little check over while I’m here.”

Sebastian looked to the door, wondering how pathetic it would seem if he asked to wait until Mark came back. Thankfully the door opened and Mark appeared, now minus their son.

“Pauline’s just gonna head out. Do you want to say bye?”

“Oh, yes. Sorry doc, one moment.”

  


Sebastian leapt up to go into the hallway where Pauline was already fitting Teddy into his pushchair. Mark found the leads to clip onto Shadow and Simba who were milling about waiting to go, so Seb ducked down with Teddy.

“You gonna be a good boy and take the doggies out Teddybär?”

“Papa.”

The little boy reached for him, but Pauline had already clipped his belt in place.

“Just for a little bit. We’ll be right here.”

“Here we go mate,” prompted Mark bringing the dogs over, “need you to walk these guys for us and make sure Auntie Pauline doesn’t wander off.”

Pauline gave him an eye-roll for that, but she smiled as Mark winked at her.

“Nice morning, we’ll have a good long walk,” she assured them.

“Thanks.”

Sebastian had given Teddy a kiss and stood.

“Thank you so much for this.”

“No trouble. Ring me if you want me. I don’t suppose you know how long this will take.”

Mark glanced to Seb.

“Not really.”

“Okay,” nodded Pauline, “well, if the car’s still on the drive when I return I’ll give him his snack upstairs, see if he’s ready for a nap.”

Sebastian didn’t much like the notion of their son being sent out of the way, but he knew they needed space, so he simply nodded.

“Sounds like a plan,” agreed Mark.

  


They tried not to make too much fuss of them going and soon the little group was off down the drive, the front door shut behind them.

“I’ll just grab those drinks,” remembered Mark.

“I’ll help.”

Mark made no comment about him avoiding the doctor abandoned in the lounge, going through to pour the brewed coffee while Seb got himself some water. As they re-entered the hallway he paused and put a hand on Seb’s arm.

“It’s gonna be fine sweetheart, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark opened the lounge door and Seb followed him in, placing a mug on the coffee table in front of Dr Phillips.

“Thanks.”

“Sorry it took us a mo,” apologised Mark.

“That’s alright. All sorted then?”

“Yep. Our Pauline’s a life-saver as usual.”

“Very handy.”

“That’s your coffee,” indicated Sebastian.

“Ah of course. Thank you.”

The doctor politely took a sip while Seb and Mark wondered where to sit given he had taken the place to the far side of their main sofa. Sebastian knew he really had no choice but to sit next to him as he had before and Mark followed, just fitting on the other end turned in a little to face them as all three paused for a moment to take a drink. As the doctor put his mug down, Seb copied him, anxiously anticipating what came next.

 

Guessing that immediately leaping in wasn’t the best approach, the doctor reached into his bag and gave Seb a reassuring smile.

“I’ll just check a few things first, okay?”

“Sure,” nodded Sebastian, already knowing his pulse for starters wasn’t going to create a great impression.

He tried to empty his mind and just do whatever the doctor asked, removing his hoody to allow yet another pressure cuff to be wrapped around his arm as his blood-pressure was measured. How many times now had they been through this procedure in the last week alone? Blood-pressure, pulse, listen to the heart, check his eyes, (though Seb never really knew what doctors were looking for when they did that). Mark beside him restrained himself from taking hold of Seb’s hand, though he knew how nervous this was making him. All he could do was keeping giving him encouraging smiles and accidentally-on-purpose making sure his leg rested into Seb’s on the sofa.

  


Three doctors in three days, examining him in their own ways, (even via the phone in Dr Menton’s case), left Seb almost numb to it. He sat passively still to let Dr Phillips do what he wanted to, mostly gazing blankly into the distance apart from when the doctor insisted he look into the spotlight or follow his finger about with his eyes. When the physical checks were done, the doctor moved on to asking his questions, Seb not seeing any point lying about what he had already admitted.

“So you’re still not sleeping?”

“I sleep some.”

“But not well?”

“No.”

Seb’s eyes went to Mark, thinking of the night just gone. It was difficult to give more details without further explanation, and Seb wasn’t sure how to do that yet.

“Okay, and what about eating?”

Seb puffed a breath.

“Kindof, I mean better mostly.”

“You mean you’re doing better with it?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” The doctor detected something he was missing, then thought back to how Seb had been in China. “And are you keeping it down?”

Sebastian opened his mouth slightly, wondering how Dr Phillips had divined that. He couldn't deny it though.

“Mostly.”

“Mostly, as in, not always,” asserted the doctor.

“It’s just a couple of times.”

“I see. And is this as a result of eating, or do you feel ill, dizzy, headaches, anything like that?”

Sebastian sighed. This was so hard. It felt like walking a tightrope.

“I’ve felt a bit dizzy after throwing up, but I think that’s because of it,” he admitted.

“Dizzy like you’re going to pass out?” worried Dr Phillips.

“No not really, just, dizzy, just a bit swirly.”

The doctor frowned, but nodded.

“Right, and it comes on suddenly, or connected to anything?”

“Kindof sudden, but…”

Seb bit his lip and shrugged, making the doctor frown even more.

“What do you mean by that?”

“It’s not like after my accident. It’s not food itself making me nauseous or, like migraines or anything.”

“No okay, so what is it like?”

Sebastian sighed and subtly tried to lean a little more into Mark beside him. He could feel his heart-rate rocketing and he knew it had already been high enough when the doctor had taken his pulse.

 

Looking at him, Dr Phillips could see what little colour Sebastian had possessed when he arrived seep away. The medical checks he had just done had only confirmed what he had diagnosed on sight the moment he saw him: still not right, still not okay. Dr Robert’s report from the other day had only backed up what he had seen in Shanghai, but to see Seb in person was far more revealing. It didn’t matter that all the scans and the neurologist’s observations had confirmed no indication of concussion or any other clear physical issue. That didn’t mean nothing was wrong.

To Sebastian it felt as though his heart would actually burst right through his ribcage it was now beating so hard. Though he closed his eyes to compose himself, he could still feel the doctor's eyes on him, judging, assessing, appraising. Nowhere to hide.

He took slow, deliberate breaths to try to control it, feeling his chest move up and down each time in a way he never normally noticed.

“Sebastian do you feel unwell?” enquired Dr Phillips.

“Just have a sip of water darling,” Mark encouraged.

Seb opened his eyes to see water being held out for him. He took it and sipped as instructed, telling himself to control himself, not to freak out. Doing that would only make things worse. He closed his eyes for another second and took a deeper breath, feeling on the precipice of he didn’t know what. Did he just have to jump off to find out what happened?

 

He turned to look at Mark, not sure how to even start this conversation to ask what he needed to.

“Seb?” pressed the doctor.

Sebastian sighed as he looked back to him, taking another sip of water instead of answering him. Mark puffed out a breath, wondering if he ought to step in, or whether that was wrong and Seb really needed to do this for himself.

The veins on the back of Sebastian’s hands were sticking out again and he could feel the temperature in his skin rising. It was small consolation at least that his hoody was off and he sat dressed in a t-shirt with the window already left open. Seb could see the way the doctor was looking at him and he knew one things was for sure; there was no way he could pretend he was fine.

“Do you feel nauseous?” asked Dr Phillips.

It took another long breath pushed out slowly before Seb could answer.

“I just don’t feel too great.”

The doctor wanted to shake his head. Was that all he was going to get? It was always difficult with Sebastian. Even these days it seemed his instinct was to always play things down.

 

“Seb you can talk to me you know,” he tried. “If you’re still feeling unwell after all this time then I’m concerned there might be wider issues here.”

All that got was a sigh, but the doctor saw the look that passed between Sebastian and Mark. He frowned, wondering what he was missing.

“Perhaps I should just take your temperature?” he proposed.

That pulled Seb back a little.

“My temperature?”

“Mm.” The doctor paused. “I appreciate that last week there were… specific issues shall we say, regarding what happened in Shanghai, but given your symptoms I’m just wondering whether there might be more to it.”

 

That sent another wave of near panic through Sebastian. It made him think back to those times in Dr Phillips office at the factory: examinations, questions, lies. The urge to cover up what was wrong was still so powerful, Seb found it almost overwhelming: Just fob him off, end this as soon as possible and just find a way to cope on your own. But then how could he tell him he didn’t think he could go to the next race? Was he just going to have to force himself through it? He’d managed before surely? But it felt different now. Didn’t the old ways have to change?

The doctor was reaching into his bag once more and Seb was letting him do what he needed to so he could check his temperature. Reading the thermometer, Dr Phillips hmm’d, then looked to Seb once more.

“A little high, but not a fever,” he diagnosed. “I was just wondering whether there was any chance you could have picked up a virus, but perhaps not…”

Mark sighed and looked to Seb.

“Sweetheart.”

“I know.”

Sebastian sounded so resigned. It made Mark want to hug him in and save him from all this, but then Seb surprised him by turning back to the doctor to address him.

 

“Doc I need to talk to you.”

Seb had surprised himself then too. He felt a strange calmness descend on him, as if all the blood flowing around his veins had slowed and his skin had cooled so quickly it felt as though ice had been poured over him.

“Okay,” the doctor replied, trying to sound encouraging.

“What I tell you. Is it confidential?”

“Of course it’s confidential Seb, I’m a doctor.”

“You’re the team doctor.”

“I’m still a doctor.”

“But you have to tell the team.”

“Only if it’s something medical they need to know.”

Sebastian huffed out something close to a laugh. It was almost despairing.

“And how do you decide what they need to know?”

Dr Phillips frowned.

“Seb what is it you are worrying about? If it’s about what happened in Shanghai, I should reassure you that I only spoke to Christian in order to get you the help you needed. Nothing confided in me about that is fed back to the team more generally. Is that what is concerning you?”

“Sort of,” admitted Seb.

The doctor shook his head.

“Don’t go making yourself ill worrying about that. I do wish you would talk to me Seb. I only want to help.” He paused. “Seb I know that in the past you have found it difficult to trust me and I can only apologise if I have ever let you think you cannot. If I have given that impression then I am sorry, truly sorry.”

 

Sebastian pressed his lips together, knowing what he was referring to. He didn’t want to talk about that.

“But you have to tell the team.”

“Not about that. Seb, something so personal… It’s not connected with racing. I would never reveal personal confidences like that. That would be wholly unethical. Is that what you’re worrying over?”

Sebastian closed his eyes for a second, then shook his head.

“Not that,” he admitted.

“Something else then? Something personal?”

Seb nodded.

“It’s nothing to do with racing.”

“Okay, so can you tell me?”

Seb bit his lip and the doctor knew he had to reassure him.

“Seb I promise you that a personal, confidential matter will remain between us.”

“But…” Sebastian sighed. “What if you feel you need to tell them?”

“Not if it is a purely personal matter.”

“How do I know though? How do I know you won’t think you have to tell them?”

The doctor sighed. Hadn’t he answered that?

“What is it you need to tell me?”

  


The room was very still and quiet. As if the air was heavy around them. Seb felt as though he already had one foot over the cliff edge, teetering forwards ready to fall. Mark slid his hand into Seb’s and Sebastian felt him squeeze it. If he fell, Mark would pull him back.

“I don’t think I can do the next race.”

Dr Phillips raised his eyebrows slightly. That hadn’t been what he was expecting to hear, though he didn’t know quite what he _had_ been expecting.

“I see. Dr Roberts did suggest we discuss that. Well, hmm, if you’re still feeling unwell then perhaps…” He trailed off at seeing Seb look down, knowing he remained in the dark about the reason. “Sebastian if you don’t feel up to racing then the team will obviously have to be informed of that.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Okay, so is it _why_ you feel unwell that is the issue?”

He got the smallest of nods in reply.

“I think we do need to talk about that then,” insisted the doctor.

Sebastian clammed up, but he kept looking at him.

“I’ve said you can trust me Seb. Can we not have a chat about matters and go from there?”

“Yes but you’ll tell them. You just said.”

“I’ve said they’ll need to know if you feel you can’t race.”

“Just this weekend,” hurried Seb. “I just need a bit more time. If it was only a fortnight rather than back-to-back I think I’d be okay. I just… I just need a bit more time to get back to where I need to be.”

 

The doctor thought that sounded as cryptic as the rest, but he thought back to what Mark had told him in China.

“I appreciate that it must have been very upsetting, what occurred. I can speak to Christian. I’m sure he will understand. You don’t need to worry about it going beyond that Seb.”

“What would you tell the team?”

The doctor puffed a breath.

“I’m not sure in all honesty. I think I would have to discuss it with Christian and then it would be up to him.”

“So you will have to tell him.”

The doctor shook his head.

“He already knows Seb.”

“But about the next race.”

“Is it not the same thing? The same cause?”

“Sort of. I mean… I guess it is, but…”

 

Rubbing a hand at his jaw, the doctor felt more confused than ever. It felt as though they were going in circles.

“Sebastian what is it you are concerned I am going to tell him? Christian was in China. He was at the hospital.”

“I know.”

“And we did have to inform him what had gone on. You understand that don’t you?”

“Yeah I know that.”

“I would not have even mentioned what I did regarding the cause if I didn’t know that he was already aware of the background.”

Seb nodded, unable to forget that it was Christian who had gone to Dr Phillips all that time ago, not the other way around.

“Okay, so… Is this something different?” pressed the doctor.

“Not exactly.”

A long sigh followed, the doctor letting it out rather than Seb. Sebastian knew he was obfuscating and that was only going to make the doctor suspicious and result in more questions. He felt like crying and that made Seb feel both angry with himself and even more anxious. His heart was speeding up again and a part of him just wanted to say to the doctor; _‘Look at me. I’m such a mess. Isn’t it obvious?’_

 

“Sebastian please talk to me about what the matter is,” pleaded the doctor. “I know it must be difficult, but if we can just talk it through then we can agree what I say to Christian and we can go from there. We’re on your side here.”

That last resonated with Seb, but the problem remained.

“What if I tell you and then you decide you have to tell the team anyway?”

“Seb.”

“No but…”

“It’s personal,” projected Dr Phillips. “And you need it to stay confidential.”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Even from Christian?”

Sebastian glanced to Mark, then back to the doctor.

“I’m not sure.”

“Okay then. What if I promise not to tell him anything without your agreement?”

“Aren’t you obliged to?”

“I’m obliged to prioritise my patient.”

“Above the team?”

“Yes.”

“But if you think it’s to do with my racing.”

“Sebastian…” The doctor stopped himself, knowing he sounded frustrated. “Look, I give you my word I will not break a confidence.”

“I promise it’s nothing to do with racing.”

“But it’s part of why you feel you can’t race this weekend?”

“Not to do with the racing. It’s me.”

“Seb,” intervened Mark.

He looked to him.

“It is though,” Seb insisted.

Mark looked to the doctor.

“Doc you give your word we can talk this through without it being fed back?”

“I do.”

“Even to Christian?” checked Seb.

“To anyone outside this room. Okay?”

 

Sebastian took a calming breath. Fuck it. This teetering was worse than the fall. Probably. The only way to find out was to jump.

“I had a panic attack. In Shanghai,” he rushed. “That’s what happened. That’s why I was so ill. I’ve had them before. Lots of times really, but not for a long time. In China it was really a bad one… It was that room.”

Something flashed in his eyes and the doctor nodded, only wishing to ease his pain.

“Yes. I know that. Or enough at any rate.”

That drew a frown.

“You knew?”

“I meant about the room. About… well, shall we say past troubles.”

“Oh.” Sebastian was still frowning. The doctor didn’t sound shocked at all. “You didn’t know I had a panic attack though?”

“No. I’m afraid it doesn’t altogether surprise me though. I’m sure it was very distressing for you.”

 

The furrow between Seb’s brows deepened as the doctor gave a little shake of his head.

“Something else I’ve failed to fully observe,” Dr Phillips criticised himself. “Not for the first time I’m sad to say.”

“I didn’t tell you.”

“I don’t think you were in any state to do so Seb.”

“I didn’t either doc,” conceded Mark.

Sebastian shook his head.

“You knew I wouldn't want you to.”

“Mm, well.”

The doctor sighed.

“You didn’t trust me to tell me.”

“I’m sorry.”

The doctor shook his head.

“It is my failing not yours. Ah Seb…”

 

He sounded sad and somehow that made Sebastian want to cry more than ever.

“It’s not your fault. I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Mm.”

“If the team knew they’d never let me drive. I’ve never had one at a race before. Never. I promise Doc. It’s nothing to do with racing.”

“Okay. And this is what you are concerned about me telling the team.”

“Please. You said you wouldn't.”

Those big blue eyes looked appealingly over, desperation creeping in.

“I’ve given my word.”

“It’s never been on a race weekend before,” insisted Seb. “It wasn’t anything to do with that.”

“I understand that.”

“I promise I’m telling you the truth.”

“I’m not saying you’re not. You’ve had them before though?”

“Not for ages.”

“I see.”

“Never at a race before. It was because, because of where we were.”

“I understand that,” nodded the doctor.

“It isn’t anything to do with racing. It’s never affected me racing before, ever. I promise.”

  


He might be thirty years old now, but to the doctor Sebastian sounded like a schoolboy. There was something still so innocent in those blue eyes, something in his expression that compelled the doctor to reassure him. Four years ago in this very house. An upstairs bedroom and those eyes again, filled with anxiety and a terrible fear.

“ _Please don’t tell anyone_.”

Those bruises. The story they told. It still made Dr Phillips feel sick to think about.

  


“Please don’t tell anyone.”

The doctor looked at him, struck by those exact same words echoing through the years. Such shame there. Such fear.

“Seb I’m not going to tell anyone.”

“You promise?”

“Not without your consent.”

Seb’s eyes widened.

“What does that mean?”

“I mean I think we need to talk about this.”

“You mean you’re going to tell Christian.”

“Not without your consent.”

“You said you wouldn't. You promised.”

“Seb.”

 

Sebastian looked horrified and the doctor tried putting a hand on his arm, but all he did was shake it off, Seb’s hand going to his face as something inside him broke and tears spilled out. That felt even worse and all of a sudden Seb could take it no longer. He pulled his hand away from Mark’s and quickly stood, having dodge tripping over the doctor's bag between the coffee table and the sofa before he could exit the room. The doctor sighed and turned back from seeing him go to see Mark glaring at him.

“What the hell?”

“Mark I’m sorry.”

“Have you any idea how hard it is for him to trust people?”

“I…”

Mark shook his head and stood up to go after Seb.

“You’ve no idea what it took for him to tell you that. What it means.”

“I’m sorry. Look I’ll talk to him.”

“No. _I’ll_ talk to him.”

Mark huffed angrily and left the room, looking for Seb in the kitchen before seeing the back door was open.

  


He sighed as he stepped outside to see Seb sat on the lawn, his head in his hands tipped into his bent up knees. As Mark got closer his heart sank further at the realisation Seb was sobbing. He sat down beside him, putting an arm around Seb’s back and leaning into him.

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian merely shook his head, not raising it.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he reassured.

Seb lifted his head enough to look at him.

“It’s not. He’s going to tell. He said he wouldn't and then, and then he just… He’s going to tell them and then they’ll all know, everyone will know and they’ll want to know why.”

“Seb.”

All he got was a shaken head and more tears. Mark rubbed over his back to try to calm him.

“Sweetheart he was just talking about Christian. Not the whole team.”

“But what if he tells them? They’ll ask questions and, and…”

Mark looked him in the eye.

“Take a breath, just take a breath sweetheart. It’s gonna be okay.”

“It’s not. They’ll all know. They’ll know, they’ll know.”

“Seb look at me. They won’t.”

Sebastian took a sharp breath, then screwed his eyes shut, Mark pulling him in tighter. He tried rocking him in. Mark had seen that look there, the look that told him of the scream inside, the pure terror lurking hidden in Seb that the world would one day find out his darkest secrets. Not the panic attacks. Not really. That was the symptom, not the cause. That wasn’t the subject of his nightmares. Mark knew what was and he knew why Seb was sobbing into him now, his body shaking with it. Anyone who spoke of getting things into the open magically making it better didn’t have a clue what they were talking about to Mark’s mind. The truth becoming known in public wouldn't set Seb free. It would destroy him.

 

“It’s gonna be okay,” soothed Mark. “It’s okay darling. It’s okay.”

Seb wasn’t really listening. With his eyes closed all he really took in was the sense of Mark holding him. He felt as though he was swirling down a plughole, spinning and falling at the same time. The timbre of Mark’s voice merely washed over him, the words almost unimportant.

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay.”

Mark wasn’t sure if he was having any affect on him, so he tried switching to German, doing his best to find the right words to comfort Seb. Only when Seb’s arm slunk around his front to hold onto him did Mark think he was having any affect. He squeezed him a little tighter, then rubbed over his arm. It occurred to him that he should have brought some water out with him, but Mark’s only thought had been to get to Seb.

“Sweetheart, c’mon, look at me darling.”

 

Sebastian did as requested and Mark hooked his thumb into his sleeve to dry under his eyes.

“Don’t panic darling. It’s gonna be alright.”

“He said he’d tell Christian.”

“Not without your consent.”

“But…”

Mark took one of Seb’s hand as he looked at him.

“He’s not just going to tell him sweetheart. He wouldn't do that.”

Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes, reopening them as Mark stroked the side of his face.

“What if he does?”

“He won’t darling. He gave his word. He just wanted to discuss it with you. I know you’re scared.”

Seb pouted, but Mark persisted.

“I understand why it scares you. I do. But I don’t think he meant it like that. Perhaps he didn’t put it very well, but I don’t think he’d just tell him.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and sighed it out.

“I knew he might say that.”

“Mm,” nodded Mark, “I think maybe that’s why it had such an affect. You were already worrying.”

A slight shrug and a nod came in response and Mark nodded back.

“Do you want me to get you some water?”

“I’ll come with you.”

“Oh, okay.”

  


Mark helped him stand and they went into the kitchen. As Mark fetched a bottle of water from the fridge Seb turned on the tap at the sink and washed his face, finding a clean tea-towel to dry it with. He let out a long sigh, so Mark stepped in and gave him a hug, Seb putting his head on his shoulder to make the most of it. Sebastian closed his eyes, breathing slowly as he breathed Mark in. Mark didn’t rush him, only loosening his hold as Seb lifted his head to look at him.

“Let’s just have a sit down, okay?” he prompted.

Seb nodded and went to sit at the table, accepting the water to drink as Mark sat beside him, his chair turned in.

“Does that feel a bit better?” Mark checked.

“A bit.”

“Good.”

He let Seb sip the water for another minute, then placed a hand on his thigh.

“I know how scary this is for you. I understand darling, but…”

“I over-reacted.”

“No I’m not saying that.”

“He’ll know what a mess I am now.”

“Sweetheart he knows you’re having a hard time.”

Sebastian rubbed at his face. All the things he had worried about seemed to be coming true.

“He’s going to think I’m crazy.”

“No he’s not,” reposted Mark firmly. “He knows you’re upset. I’m sure he feels bad about how he handled that.”

“I guess.”

“Do you want to me to speak to him while you just have a moment?”

“Um.”

“Or we can just wait. Don’t suppose he’s going anywhere.”

“How long have we been gone?”

Mark glanced at the kitchen clock.

“Erm, I dunno. Five minutes, maybe a bit more.”

“Feels longer.”

“Mm, well…”

“Can you go tell him I’m sorry.”

“Sweetheart.”

“He must think I’m such a freak.”

“No darling. Please don’t do that. Please sweetheart.” Mark put his hand at the side of Seb’s face and looked into his eyes. “Don’t say such things about yourself.”

Seb looked at him, that bottom lip sneaking out. In other circumstances Mark would have teased him for it, but not now.

“Do you want me to have a quick word with him?” he repeated. “I’m sure he’s worrying about you.”

Sebastian sighed, then nodded so Mark got up, dipping in to kiss his forehead.

“I’ll be back in a sec. Try not to worry, okay?”

Seb wasn’t sure that was really possible, but he nodded and Mark went from the room.

  


Mark took a deep breath before pushing open the lounge door. He was still annoyed with Dr Phillips for managing to mishandle that when Seb was so vulnerable, but he knew focussing on that wasn’t going to help matters. He walked in to find the doctor pacing up and down the lounge. On seeing him, Dr Phillips stopped, a guilty expression on his face.

“Mark, how is he? I wasn’t sure to come through or not. I didn’t want to make things worse. I’m so sorry. I said that all so badly. Will he see me? He didn’t have an attack did he?”

Putting his hand to rub at the back of his head, Mark pondered that. What counted? There was scale to these things.

“Not really. He’s pretty upset though mate. I mean really…”

“Oh god I messed that up,” sighed the doctor. “I’m so sorry. I never seem to handle things well with Seb.”

He sounded so guilty and concerned that Mark’s annoyance faded. The doctor was only human after all.

“I’m not sure that’s true,” he allowed. “Look, Doc, you have to understand how hard this is for him. He’s terrified of people finding out about… well, you know.”

The doctor nodded and sighed.

“Of course. Mark I’d never speak about that.”

“Mm, well.”

“It’s tied up together isn’t it?” presumed the doctor. “Of course it is. I can’t believe I didn’t realise. That was so clumsy of me. I just meant about speaking to Christian to help Seb. I mean, Christian already knows the background doesn’t he?”

Mark merely gave a tip of his head.

“May I speak with him?” requested Dr Phillips.

It struck Mark how he was considered Seb’s gatekeeper. Perhaps he had sounded more forceful than he realised when he had told the doctor he wasn’t to speak to Seb earlier?

“Not up to me mate. Look he’s just having a drink of water in the kitchen. Can you give us a moment?”

“Of course. Please apologise for me. I would like the chance to reassure him at least.”

Mark nodded and left the room again, heading back to Seb in the kitchen.

 

“How’re you doing?”

Seb looked up to Mark and nodded, so Mark sat beside him again.

“Are you alright?” he checked again.

“Better,” Seb allowed. “What did he say?”

“Well unsurprisingly darling he feels pretty rotten about upsetting you like that.”

“Oh god what must he think of me?”

“Sweetheart he wants to apologise. He wants to try to make things right.”

Huffing a heavy breath, Seb nodded, then took a last sip of water before standing, Mark standing with him.

“If he mentions speaking to Christian again, try not to take it that means he’s just going to go ahead and do it. He just wants to find a plan. We need to find a way to manage this don’t we?”

“I guess.”

“I really don’t think he’ll go against your wishes.”

“No. Okay, thank you Liebling.”

Mark put an arm around him.

“You’ve told him now. You’ve done the hard bit.”

“I spose.”

“We’ll just talk things through.”

“Okay.”

Mark gave him a little squeeze and they headed back, Seb making a little ‘o’ of his mouth to push out a steadying breath before they entered the lounge. He’d far rather have gone up the stairs instead, just lain out on the bed with his eyes closed to make all this go away, but this wasn’t going away.

 

 

“Sebastian.”

Seb looked over at Dr Phillips still stood in the centre of the lounge filled with a combination of trepidation and embarrassment.

“I’m sorry,” began Seb. “I didn’t mean to… I don’t know.”

“No Seb _I’m_ sorry,” insisted the doctor. “I mishandled that and I apologise. Are you alright?”

Seb nodded, though the tint of red in his eyes was unmissable.

“Could we try again?” requested Dr Phillips.

 

With another nod they resumed their earlier positions on the sofa, the doctor trying not to be too obvious in the way he looked at Seb to give him a quick check over.

“Let me start by assuring you that I will not break your confidence in me without your express permission. Even to Christian. I’m sorry if I gave that impression. I understand that this is unrelated to racing.”

“You do?”

The doctor nodded.

“I mentioned Christian only in the context that it is my understanding you are friends in addition to his role at the team and that he knows the background to this. I believe that he would only wish to help in this matter. However, please do not take that as meaning I would speak to him without your consent.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark gave his hand a squeeze.

“Sorry I freaked out a bit. I don’t think I was really listening to what you were saying.”

Dr Phillips considered how he might reply without saying Seb was clearly over-sensitive at present. It would hardly help to point it out.

“Perhaps I didn’t put it very well,” he conceded. “I appreciate that it must be a very difficult matter for you, particularly given the background.”

He saw Sebastian tense slightly at that and the doctor looked into his eyes.

“Which we do not need to discuss unless you wish to,” he assured.

“I’d rather not.”

“Very well. Can we perhaps talk about what attacks you have? I realise it is difficult, but it would help to have a better understanding.”

“It’s never been at a race before.”

“As you say.”

“And I hadn’t had one for a really long time.”

“I see. Okay, can you tell me when they started and how they affect you?”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath. It was hard to talk of without the cause he associated the panic attacks with, but discussing that would only make this worse and Dr Phillips seemed to get that, which was something. Once he had run through the general range of effects panic attacks had on him and how they left him feeling, Seb spoke a little more on ones he’d had in the past. He tried to explain that he couldn’t precisely recall a clear origin as such but that they had grown worse as his circumstances deteriorated.

“I didn’t even really understand what they were until I came to Mark,” Seb explained.

Mark gave his hand another gentle squeeze as Seb looked to him, but it occurred to Dr Phillips that he had been treating Seb then and had no clue, even when he knew of the other problems he had been suffering from. Seb had still felt the need to hide it from him.

“How regularly do they occur?” enquired Dr Phillips.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I don’t know. Quite a few when I first came here I guess. It was only really when things got bad. But I hadn’t had one in a long time until last week.”

“So they don’t strike out of the blue?”

“No. I mean it kindof feels that way, but there’s always a cause.”

“Mm. Stress related.”

“But only away from races. I mean it Doc. I’ve never had one at a race, no matter how stressful things have got.”

“Or where you’ve been?”

Seb frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Well you said that what occurred last week was due to the room you were assigned. What had happened there in the past. I don’t want to alarm you, but we know that the F1 season tends to take the same path each year, staying in the same places, so...”

“It’s not the city. Not even the hotel. It was that room. That…”

He stopped, unable to say ‘that bed’ when even the idea of it made him feel sick. Dr Phillips saw him pale and had no wish to distress him by pushing too hard.

“Of course.”

“I’ve never had anything like that happen. I don’t even know what the chances were.”

“Particularly bad luck I suppose,” agreed Dr Phillips.

“I guess, I mean I know technically we could end up in another hotel that…” Seb shook his head, unable to elaborate, “but it was the shock you see. I hadn’t realised, and then when I did.”

“It pole-axed you?”

“Yeah.”

The doctor nodded.

“Okay and you say it has been over a year since you had a previous attack?”

“More like two. I thought I was over it.”

“Seb,” cautioned Mark quietly.

“I did though,” Sebastian asserted as he looked at him. “I thought I was okay and now I just feel so set back. I feel like… I don’t even know,” he trailed off.

“You feel vulnerable to more attacks?” questioned Dr Phillips.

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I guess. I thought I’d be okay once I got home, but I’ve just felt so awful and then on Saturday…”

“What on Saturday?”

 

Seb sighed, he was all in now, so he might as well say.

“I had another attack. When I had to see Dr Roberts at the hospital.”

Dr Phillips looked taken aback.

“She didn’t mention it in her report.”

“I asked her not to. I begged her not to,” confessed Seb, not wanting to get her into trouble.

“I see.”

“I promised her I’d talk to you today.”

“Ah.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and sighed it out.

“I spoke to Dr Menton too, yesterday. He used to be my therapist. I guess you know that of course. I suppose he still is though I hadn’t spoken to him in ages.”

“Right.”

“I am trying to get help you see.”

“I appreciate that Sebastian,” assured Dr Phillips. “I hope you will let me help as well?”

“What will you do?”

“Well, I have to confess that this is hardly my area of expertise,” admitted the doctor, “so I will need to bone up a little on things, but at the very least knowing this is something. Can I ask why you decided to tell me, other than on Dr Robert's recommendation?”

Another small shrug came, then Seb glanced to Mark.

“I guess… I really don’t think it’s anything to do with racing or any of that, but… we have Teddy now. Mark might not always be able to come with me and I just don’t want him worrying.”

“I see.”

 

The doctor nodded, thinking that had been the case surely even before they had their son.

“Obviously we’d hope that it’s not something that would happen,” added Mark.

“Indeed. So, it’s stress of a personal nature that is the cause Seb? Not other forms of stress?”

“Yeah. I mean I know race weekends are stressful and I feel that sometimes.”

“You’ve only human Seb. Everyone is affected by stress in their life. It’s _how_ it affects you that matters. How you deal with it.”

“But that’s the thing, the media and all that, I’m used to that. I don’t always like it, but I’m used to it.”

“I’ve always thought you handle the media very well,” offered the doctor.

“Thanks and, well the whole weekend, if things go badly or something, it’s not great, but it’s never affected me like that, not anything like a panic attack.”

“Okay, that’s good. What about in terms of the stress that comes with racing, the adrenaline rushes, perhaps from crashes or near misses?”

Seb shook his head.

“That’s not the same.”

“Mm.”

“It’s really not Doc. I’ve been dealing with that pretty much all my life. It’s normal to me. And it’s like Mark always says, the adrenaline, like at the start and that, if it’s channelled then it’s good, it gives you focus, helps me up my game. That’s not the problem.”

 

The doctor nodded, thinking of the extreme heart-rates that drivers demonstrated during race-starts and at crucial moments during races. To his knowledge Seb had never been less than focussed on the job in hand whilst racing.

“It’s outside of racing then,” he agreed.

“Yeah that’s what I’m saying. I don’t even have time to think about things in a race anyway, even if there’s a big crash in front of me or I have a tyre blow-out or something, sure my heart’s through the roof, but I’m too busy dealing with things to worry about it.”

“Mm, well that sounds about right.”

“It’s when I have time to think about things,” Seb continued. “The stuff I think of, that’s when there’s a problem.”

“And you can have a panic attack.”

“I really don’t have them often.”

“But two within a couple of days isn’t good.”

“No, well…”

 

Mark’s arm snuck around Seb’s back to give him a little more support. He thought Seb had done very well to get though all that.

“He’s just having a tough time Doc,” asserted Mark. “We’ll be alright. We just need a bit of time.”

“Mm.” The doctor mulled things over. “Dr Roberts recommended that you didn’t compete this coming weekend either. I presume as a result of treating you after the attack you had?”

“I guess. She just… I felt pretty low afterwards.”

“So when they hit, they hit hard.”

Seb shrugged and nodded.

“They’re really not that regular,” he insisted, “she just wanted to me to talk to you in case.”

“Mm. Well, I’m glad you have.” Dr Phillips paused a moment, his mind going over all he had been told. “So, panic attacks to the point of passing out, but not regularly?”

“Right.”

“Caused by extreme stress as a result of previous trauma. Does that sound accurate?”

Seb nodded and was grateful for the little squeeze Mark gave him.

“Yeah,” he agreed.

“Okay, and you’ve since been suffering with poor appetite and vomiting, broken sleep and feeling generally low?”

Another confirming nod came and the doctor considered something.

“When you say you have trouble sleeping, can you elaborate on that?”

 

Sebastian sighed heavily, but there was no point evading things now.

“I have nightmares. Bad ones. When I wake up I’m pretty much a mess.”

“Mm.”

“Sometimes Mark has to wake me from them.”

Seb leaned a little into Mark to thank him and to distract himself from the horrible feeling that came with even thinking about this.

“Last night I had a pretty terrible one. When I woke up, that’s one of the times I threw up.”

“That bad?”

“Yeah.”

“I see. So, the nightmares are related to the panic attacks, or more generally to do with past experiences?”

“I guess they’re worse after I’ve had an attack, but I do have them a bit,” Seb confessed. “I can’t control things in my sleep you see. Sometimes things sneak up on me.”

Mark held him tighter at that, knowing how they upset Seb.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” offered the doctor.

Sebastian could only give a little shrug in response.

“So you discussed all this with Dr Roberts?”

“Yeah, and Henry, sorry, Dr Menton yesterday.”

“Well, that’s good. Were they able to help?”

“A bit I think. It doesn’t make it go away.”

“No.” Dr Phillips paused again, wondering how what he was thinking might be received. “Seb, would it be fair to suggest that pretty much all of this is as a result of past trauma?”

 

Seb closed his eyes for a moment, then gave a small nod.

“Okay,” the doctor replied softly. “I understand why it is so hard to speak about. Discussing this with your other doctors, can I ask, have either of them ever discussed PTSD with you?”

He saw the way Seb looked down at that.

“You understand what that is?” he checked.

“Yeah.” Seb paused. “I don’t like that phrase.”

“You don’t like the term?”

“No.”

“Why is that?”

“I just don’t. I don’t want to have a disorder.”

“Hm, okay, but you have talked about it?”

He got a small nod back and the doctor nodded in reply.

“As I say, it’s really not my area of expertise so I’m not sure I’m the one to judge, but you would say that it is related to stress from a past trauma?”

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath and nodded again, knowing that re-arranging the words didn’t really change the meaning.

“Yeah.”

“And you’ve discussed it with both of them?”

“More Dr Menton.”

“Your psychiatrist.”

“Yeah.”

“Well that would sound like the right person to do so. Has he been able to give you ways to deal with it, coping strategies?”

“Yeah. And the thing is Doc that’s partly why I haven’t seen him in so long. I haven’t needed to. Things were bad when I first came here, but I got better. I’ve just had a set-back.”

“Okay. But right now things are tough?”

“Yeah.”

 

The doctor nodded and rubbed at his jaw.

“I appreciate you talking to me about this Seb. I wish you had told me earlier, but all we can do is go from here.”

“Are you going to tell the team?”

“No. I gave you my word Seb.”

“It’s really not related to racing.”

The doctor wanted to sigh at hearing that assertion yet again, but Seb’s anxiety on the matter was clear.

“Very well, but you are speaking to me as your team doctor.”

He saw how worried Sebastian looked at that, so the doctor held up a hand.

“I mention it only in the context of why you are choosing to speak to me now.”

“Because of what happened in Shanghai.”

“Precisely. Now, I fully appreciate that you believe it is highly unlikely there should be any similar re-occurrance due to the specific circumstances.”

“It’s _never_ happened at a race before,” insisted Seb.

“I understand, but you are speaking to me because there does remain the possibility, however small, that it could.”

 

Sebastian pouted, his face tense and the doctor felt bad for it.

“Seb I’m not suggesting it will, just that you are speaking to me to cover off any remote possibility. Does that sound fair?”

“I guess.”

“To be honest Seb as your doctor I do need to know anyway.”

Sebastian sighed, hearing the echo of Dr Roberts in that.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not blaming you. I’m just…” Dr Phillips sighed, “never mind. So we’re looking forwards. If I am aware, should this remote possibility occur, and even more unlikely, should Mark not be with you at a race, then there would be someone around who understands the situation.”

Seb looked to Mark who gave a little nod.

“I would feel better to know that sweetheart,” Mark admitted. “Even if it’s really unlikely.”

“Okay.” Seb looked back to the doctor. “Okay.”

“So, we have to discuss that.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you feel ill at a race, you _have_ to tell me. Not hide it. Tell me.”

Seb sighed, but the doctor looked at him firmly.

“Seb it is important. I don’t want to scare either of you, but what happened in Shanghai, if you’d been alone.”

That made Seb close his eyes and look down, feeling guilty when he knew how that had to frighten Mark.

“Sweetheart,” whispered Mark.

“I know.”

Seb looked up at him and the doctor sat back for a moment, witnessing their silent conversation before Seb looked back at him.

“Okay.”

“You’ll call me?” requested Dr Phillips.

“Yeah.”

“Let’s hope it never happens, but no matter how small the chance.”

“Yeah okay, I get it.”

“Seb, you passed out. You could have hit your head seriously, you could choke on vomit.”

“Oh god,” sighed Sebastian, hating hearing this and hating even more that it was putting more fears in Mark’s head.

 

“I’m sorry Seb, but we have to be realistic about this. I need you to understand that it’s not something to sweep under the carpet. If you need help, you get help. You don’t try to cope on your own and then let things get out of hand.”

“It’s not like I choose to.”

“No I appreciate that.”

“In China it happened so fast.”

“Hm, well...” the doctor huffed a breath as he thought. “You have my number. Can I ask that you put it on speed-dial?”

“Um okay.”

“And then should you start to feel ill, if you start to feel the effects of a panic attack coming on, you have to agree to call me immediately. If I even get a call and I don’t speak to you I will know then that there is a problem and will come straight-away.”

Seb looked to Mark who nodded.

“Well that sounds reasonable doesn’t it darling?”

“I guess.”

“Seb I won’t have any kind of problem being called and coming to see you only to find it is nothing serious or indeed nothing at all,” assured Dr Phillips. “I would never consider that a waste of my time. I _will_ ask that you drop me a text on arrival at races and that you let me know your hotel room number and schedule so I know your whereabouts.”

 

Sebastian sighed, feeling oppressed to be so watched and controlled, but he understood that the doctor could hardly treat him if he couldn't find him and if he really did have an attack and started hyperventilating then Seb knew he might not be physically able to give him the information he needed in an emergency.

“Okay,” he consented quietly.

“Okay,” echoed Dr Phillips. “I know you’re going to say it won’t happen, but can we just consider it a safety net, then none of us need worry about it. Wouldn't that be better?”

Pushing out a long breath, Seb thought about that.

“Yeah I guess it would.”

“There we go then. The same applies when you are home.”

Seb frowned.

“You want to know my whereabouts?”

Dr Phillips smiled.

“No, I meant you can always call me. If you felt unwell. If you were at the factory between races I’m usually there too so you could come to see me, or if it was serious then call me to come find you. If you were unwell at home I can always come to see you, as indeed I am now.”

 

“You’re really not going to tell the team?” checked Sebastian.

The doctor wanted to shake his head at the near paranoia Seb was displaying on the subject, but he knew enough of the underlying trauma to make allowances.

“Seb I have given my word. And if my word wasn’t enough, then you should know that even as a team doctor, the Hippocratic oath applies to my patient, ie you, just the same as it would your GP; without your permission I have no right to provide your medical information to a third party, indeed I would be in trouble for doing so. That still applies when my employer is RedBull. You are my patient. It doesn’t matter who pays me. That is irrelevant. Doctors have professional standards we must adhere to.”

“Okay,” Sebastian replied quietly. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to say you’re not professional.”

“I know you’re not Seb. And I appreciate that it can be difficult to put your trust in people, particularly on something so personal and distressing.”

Seb bit his lip as he nodded and if Mark hadn’t had his arm around him, the doctor would have wanted to at least pat his arm to reassure him. He watched as Seb seemed to feel a wash of emotion, and the doctor hoped, some relief. His body seemed to sag slightly before he turned into Mark and was hugged in. Dr Phillips sat awkwardly to the side, not wishing to interrupt.

  


He left it until Mark released him and Seb looked back to Dr Phillips.

“Sorry,” Seb apologised.

“No no. How are you feeling?”

“Yeah. I guess better.”

“Better to have a plan, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“As I mentioned I’m going to have to do some research and refresh my understanding of the subject and how I can help,” admitted the doctor. “Hopefully without any need to put it into practice.”

Sebastian nodded, knowing that the doctor was deliberately playing down any possibility to reassure him.

“Thank you.”

“Do I have your permission to discuss this with Dr Roberts? I’m aware that panic attacks can be associated with brain injuries.”

“I had them before my accident.”

“You said, but I meant in terms of her expertise.”

“Oh. Yeah I need to call her to arrange another appointment.”

“Mm, she mentioned. So if you could let her know it is agreed between us?”

“Okay.”

“Good. And are you still seeing your psychiatrist?”

“We spoke on the phone.”

“I see, well, speaking to him then.”

“I said I’d speak to him after this, so, yeah.”

“That’s good. I’m not going to ask you to go into detail about the origins of this, but I think you should be getting professional help on that.”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“We did for a long time, but… yeah I’m gonna talk to him more. Are you going to ask to speak to Dr Menton too?” worried Seb.

“No I don’t think that would be appropriate Sebastian. As long as he is giving you the help you need then that’s all I need to know. I would be speaking to Dr Roberts as one medical doctor to another, more for practical recommendations than anything else.”

“Okay.”

“Okay then. So you’re getting treatment. Can I ask what their general recommendations were to help you at present?”

  


Seb ran through some of the advice and tips his two other doctors had given him, Dr Menton nodding along, making mental notes for himself.

“Very well. I can’t disagree that it does seem advisable that you take some more time out right now. The F1 paddock isn’t exactly a stress-free environment at the best of times, even if as you say this stress is not work related.”

Sebastian nodded and Mark gave him a little smile at the doctor supporting them.

“This does however lead us to the issue of what we decide to tell Christian,” continued Dr Phillips carefully.

That drew a sigh as Seb knew there was no way he could just not show up in Bahrain.

“What do you want to do about that?” asked the doctor.

“I don’t know.”

“Sweetheart perhaps we could talk to Christian,” tried Mark. “He has always been on our side. Don’t you think we can trust him?”

“It’s not as though you would have to explain the background to him,” offered Dr Phillips. “That’s something isn’t it?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“And you trust him on that.”

“Of course I do.”

 

Seb sighed heavily. It was going to be hard explaining why he didn’t feel he could race so soon without actually giving an explanation.

“Perhaps we could talk to him about confidentiality,” suggested Dr Phillips. “If I help. Speak about medical confidentiality rules so he understands.”

Seb glanced to Mark.

“Honestly darling I really don’t think he’d say anyway, even if there were no rules. He’s never said about anything else has he?”

“I spose not.”

“If we set the ground first,” proposed the doctor, “to at least help you feel more comfortable. I’m more than happy to speak to him, but I think for your sake it might be better for you to at least be a part of the conversation.”

Sebastian nodded. It still scared him, but it was starting to feel unavoidable.

“From there we could work out what we tell the team,” continued the doctor.

He saw alarm at that so the doctor held up a hand.

“What _we_ agree. I am not in any way suggesting they have any right to know what we have discussed. I merely mean that we have to say something. We will have to give a reason as to why you are missing a race.”

“He’s right sweetheart,” added Mark.

“I know,” accepted Sebastian.

“I believe we can trust Christian,” asserted Dr Phillips. “I’m sure he has your best interests at heart. At the end of the day Seb racing is just that, it’s just racing.”

“I still want to race. I’m not saying… I just need a little more time.”

“I think you do too Seb,” the doctor assured. “And I think it would be beneficial to you in the longer term, to help your racing in future, rather than push yourself too hard when that could have an adverse affect.”

  


The doctor avoided suggesting that Sebastian could be in danger of pushing himself into a nervous breakdown, though it certainly concerned him. Given the nature of working in such a high pressure sport, stress-overload wasn’t exactly unheard of, but Dr Phillips had never encountered anything quite like this.

“Seb I have before now recommended cases within the team of work overload needing rest. It’s not something people tend to speak of and perhaps that’s something as a team that we should rectify, but there’s no shame in asking for help, though I confess it is usually only when things go past a certain point that people do.”

Seb frowned.

“You’re saying I should say it’s stress?”

“No, I’m just saying it’s not perhaps as uncommon as you might think that people have issues in this area. Although as far as I am aware that tends to be work-related, when this isn’t.”

“Right.”

“I don’t know that I have the answer as to what we choose to tell the team or put out more widely Seb. I think Christian would have a better idea. Do you think you can accept we might be better off bringing him in and working out a plan together?”

 

Turning to Mark, Seb saw the tiny nod he gave and nodded acceptance back before giving that to Dr Phillips.

“Okay,” confirmed the doctor softly. “If I’m honest Seb I think it would be no bad thing for him to be aware anyway, even if it is highly unlikely there should be any re-occurrance.”

“What do you mean?” asked Seb.

“Just that those who are around you most should really be aware.”

Seb’s mouth opened to protest, but the doctor shook his head.

“I am not suggesting informing anyone else, merely that if Christian as team boss and as your friend has an understanding of the situation when he is someone who is around you at races, in the garage and so on, then surely that’s good?”

“To keep an eye on me,” suggested Seb, hating the notion that made him seem incapable of looking after himself.

“To care. Only as insurance Seb,” Dr Phillips insisted, “only to have an awareness.”

“I suppose,” Seb relented, knowing it was too late to fight now. He hated the idea he was to be watched, to be treated with kid-gloves. Dr Marko already regarded him as damaged goods since his accident and more people seeing him that way only made Seb feel worse, but it did seem telling Christian was the only way.

“It’ll be alright,” Mark reassured him. “Christian’s a good bloke. We’ll just work out a plan like the doc says, then we can move on.”

“Hopefully Seb all we need to is set up a bit of safety net, make sure you’re getting the help you need and deal with giving you a bit of time. Then when you’re feeling better and back racing this will just be something we can largely put behind us as we move on.”

 

Seb could tell how Dr Phillips was trying to sound positive to encourage him. He did want to move on. Maybe if they tackled this and he knew he didn’t need to worry about it so much any more he might start feeling better?

“Yeah okay.”

“Okay good,” smiled the doctor. “So, um, I know he was planning on coming to see you at some point.”

“He said he’d ring this afternoon,” Seb informed him.

“Mm, so do you want to speak to him yourself, or would prefer for me to part of that conversation?”

Seb looked to Mark.

“Oh god, I don’t know if I can go through all this again,” he admitted.

Mark rubbed his arm, then looked to both him and the doctor.

“Why don’t we just get him here and have it out, get it over with? Doc could you stay if he can get here soonish?”

“Of course.”

“How does that sound sweetheart?” he asked Seb. “Just get it done. The doc here can explain stuff can’t you?”

“Certainly,” agreed Dr Phillips. “Perhaps if I run through things generally and you add what you want to. We can discuss keeping things confidential first and move from there to talk things through and work out a plan.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath. It all sounded so reasonable. That didn’t mean it didn’t scare the hell out of him, but they had to do something.

“Okay,” he consented.

“Great. So do you want to call him, or should I?”

Seb sighed.

“I dunno.”

“Shall I just give him a ring?” offered Dr Phillips. “I think he was going into the factory this morning.”

“Okay.”

“Right, perhaps I should step out? I’ll just ask him to come over, that’s all.”

 

The doctor rose, already pulling his phone from his pocket and Seb let out the longest sigh as he left the room.

“It’ll be alright sweetheart,” assured Mark. “Christian’s in our corner. He’ll help. Just as he has in the past. We can trust him.”

Seb could do no more than nod, so Mark pulled him in for another hug. As he let him go Mark rubbed over Seb’s arm.

“How’re you feeling?”

“A bit squashed.”

Mark huffed a light laugh.

“Do I hug too hard?”

Seb managed to smile at that.

“No I meant inside. You give good hugs.”

Mark nodded.

“We’ll get to the other side sweetheart. This might feel crappy but we’ll get through it.”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave his arm a gentle squeeze. Personally he couldn’t help feeling better at the idea of more people looking out for Seb in future. All the times he had agonised over telling either Christian or Dr Phillips and stopped himself for fear of how Seb would take it. At least that would be behind him, behind them both.

 

“Do you think Pauline's alright?” wondered Seb.

“Hm? She’ll be fine darling. It’s a nice morning. No hardship to have a little walk. Do you want me to give her a quick shout?”

“Um, maybe a text?”

“Sure.”

Mark got his phone out.

MARK: Hey, so this is taking a bit longer. How are you guys doing?”

The reply came fairly quickly, so Mark guessed she had her phone to hand, anticipating contact.

PAULINE: All fine. Lovely & warm in the sunshine. I’m nearly at the village now & was thinking of taking Teddy to the park for a play. Sound okay to you?

MARK: Sounds like a great idea. Thank you.

PAULINE: Very good. I hope you’re all alright.

MARK: We’ll be fine. Thanks for helping us out. See you later.

 

He showed Seb each message, giving him a smile.

“See, they’re fine darling. Just gonna have a nice play on the swings and slide in the sunshine.”

“She’s very good.”

Mark kissed his cheek.

“Course she is. She enjoys it too though.”

Sebastian looked at his watch again. He supposed the pushchair had Teddy’s bag with anything he needed.

“I guess she could always call at the coffee shop if he needs changing or anything. She knows Jean doesn’t she?” he noted.

“Sure. Pauline’ll be fine and I bet Teddy’ll have a great time down the park. I’m sure the dogs won’t mind too much being tied up at the railings for a bit.”

Seb nodded, turning his head to look out of the window at the blue sky. No sign of any April showers today. He would far rather be at the park with their son enjoying the good weather, but so long as Teddy was happy, that was all that really mattered.

 

  


Standing in the kitchen, Dr Phillips was waiting as Christian returned to his office having been busy speaking with the engineering team when he rang.

“Sorry, okay back in my office now,” apologised Christian.

“No problem. I just thought it was better we spoke privately.”

Christian frowned at that as he sat down at his desk. It was hardly as if he’d had his phone on speaker down in the engineering office, but this didn’t sound promising.

“What’s going on?” he enquired. “How did your visit with Seb go?”

“Ah well I’m still here.”

“Oh? How is he?”

“I think it might be best if you came over,” proposed Dr Phillips. “Can you do that?”

“Um, well yes I was going to suggest popping over this afternoon.”

“Could you come now?”

Christian puffed a breath. Any time he was summoned to Seb’s house and told to get there as quickly as possibly then it was only ever bad news.

“If I need to. I take it we’re not looking good?”

“I’d rather talk to you with Seb if you don’t mind.”

“I see.”

“Forgive me Christian but it’s a bit sensitive and we need to tread carefully with this. If you can come over then we can discuss things.”

“Very well. I’ll be twenty-five minutes or so.”

“Thank you.”

Christian hung up and stared at the never-ending list of emails on his computer screen. They would have to wait. He picked up his jacket, fitted his phone away and made his excuses to his assistant in the next office before getting on his way, wondering what it was he was walking into this time.

 

 

* * *

 


	259. The Team - pt 1

* * *

 

 

It was a familiar route to Sebastian and Mark’s house for Christian. It was a familiar feeling too as he sped along the lanes; a sense of trouble ahead. Concern certainly, but also a guilty thought in a corner of his mind selfishly wishing he didn’t have to deal with this. As he neared the house Christian tried to push that away. Yes he was tired and he had work he ought to be doing right now and Christian was anticipating whatever this was about creating yet more problems for him, but he recalled the sight of Sebastian in hospital only a few days earlier, Mark so concerned sat beside him through the night. What were his own problems in such context?

He pulled up on the drive, parking next to the doctor's car and puffed a breath before climbing out. Whatever this was he’d just have to deal with it. For sure it couldn't be any worse than what he had dealt with before. At least he sincerely hoped so.

 

Inside the house the three awaiting his arrival sat in the lounge, Dr Phillips with another coffee made for him that he had politely sipped while they avoided conversation and now sat going cold in front of him. Seb was the first to hear the car approaching, turning his head to look as his stomach did an unpleasant flip at the thought of going over things again and what Christian’s reaction was likely to be.

It was Mark however that got up to answer the door, standing there holding it open as Christian walked towards him. Christian gave him a tempered smile and offered out his hand to shake.

“Mark. How are you doing?”

In reply he got puffed breath and a slightly raised eyebrow that Christian took as meaning ‘you’ll find out soon enough mate’. In other words; more trouble.

He was led into the lounge where both Sebastian and Dr Phillips rose from the sofa to meet him. Christian instinctively smiled at them, though he wasn’t entirely sure if it was appropriate.

“Doc,” he nodded, then looked to the man standing next to him. “Seb, how are you?”

From his pale and taut face, Christian already had a nasty feeling what the answer was. He merely got a nod in reply, so he nodded back, deciding that he was better off just waiting on what he was doubtless about to be told about the situation.

“Coffee mate?” offered Mark.

“Oh, no I’m alright thanks.” Christian glanced about the room. “Is Teddy having a nap?”

“Pauline’s taken him out to the park.”

“Ah right, very good.”

 

He paused awkwardly for another moment, then found a seat as the others sat back down as well. Dr Phillips was looking to Seb, getting the nod that their agreement that he should explain things to Christian still stood. The doctor puffed a breath, then began.

“Okay so thank you for coming.”

Christian frowned slightly at him sounding so formal.

“That’s okay, I was coming anyway.”

He was about to try asking again about how Seb was, when the doctor ploughed on.

“So I think the first thing we need to make clear is that Sebastian has spoken to me on a confidential basis as his doctor. The matters we discuss here today therefore must remain on that basis. Can you agree to that?”

Christian opened his mouth, hardly knowing how to respond to that.

“It’s important mate,” emphasised Mark.

It was noticeable that the subject of the conversation was remaining silent. As he looked to Seb Christian could still see that tension there.

“Um, okay, sure.”

“You won’t tell anyone?” asked Sebastian, a undisguiseable element of anxiety in his voice.

“About a medical matter? No Seb of course not.”

“Not even within the team?”

“Well…”

 

Christian paused, about to say that surely if it was a health issue then the team would need to know, but Dr Phillips anticipated him making the same mistake he had and intervened.

“It is a purely personal matter unconnected to his racing.”

“I see. Right, well… Connected to last week?”

Dr Phillips looked to Sebastian, then back at Christian.

“You’re agreeing to keep the matter between us?”

“Yes. I mean if you tell me it’s personal not racing, then I have to accept that don’t I?”

“I would hope so.”

Seeing how concerned Sebastian looked, Christian addressed his words more to him.

“Seb it’s fine. If there’s something you want to tell me then of course you can tell me in confidence.”

“And you promise not to tell anyone, inside the team or out?”

“I give my word Seb, if that’s worth anything.”

“Of course it is. Sorry.”

“That’s alright. Look, I’d hope I’ve proved I can be trusted. We’ve spoken about private matters before and I’ve never passed anything on that I should not.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah I know. Sorry, I’m just being paranoid.”

“Sweetheart,” cautioned Mark quietly, before speaking to Christian. “It matters, okay?”

“Okay,” Christian accepted.

“Right well, on that basis, perhaps I can explain a few things,” decided Dr Phillips.

 

He began, concentrating on explaining that Sebastian had suffered a panic attack in China and that this was essentially why he was still, with what Mark noted the inimitably British phrase, ‘under the weather’.

“Now, we’ve discussed it and it seems this was a particularly severe one, hence the lasting effects,” stated the doctor with a look to Seb who nodded.

Christian saw the way Mark’s hand held Sebastian’s as they sat together. A corner of his brain also clicked that Dr Phillips was implying that the attack wasn’t an isolated event.

“So you’ve had more?” he asked.

Seb nodded, still finding it difficult to speak.

“Unfortunately he suffered a further incidence on Saturday,” Dr Phillips explained.

Christian blinked.

“Sorry?”

“Seb had another attack since he came home. Not so severe, but obviously not good.”

“Right. Sorry, that’s…” Christian looked more to Sebastian. “I am sorry to hear that Sebi, but I, well, I thought you meant he’d had previous ones.”

“I meant that as well,” clarified the doctor.

“Oh.”

 _Oh shit,_ internalised Christian.

 

Catching Sebastian’s eye, the doctor amended.

“Though not for a considerable period of time. I don’t know what you know of panic attacks Christian?”

“Um, not much, though I’m sure they’re not, well, obviously it’s not good.”

“Mm, well apart from the symptoms I have described, they can be cumulatively debilitating.”

“Sorry?” frowned Christian.

“More than one can be more damaging, not usually in long-lasting physical effects, but as they are stress based, repeated attacks naturally have an adverse impact.”

“Oh right, yes of course.”

“Now Dr Roberts to whom I re-referred Sebastian reports that there are no indications of neurological issues or indications of concussion, however given that Seb has been suffering from additional consequent stress-based effects such as broken sleep with vividly bad dreams, appetite suppression and vomiting accompanied by dizziness and exhaustion, obviously we need to keep an eye on that and he will be re-visiting the hospital for a further check later in the week.”

 

Christian was reeling from the deluge of words he was attempting to translate into English he understood.

“So it’s related to his accident?”

“No, though they can be an after-effect, so I think it is wise that we are covering that possibility off.”

“I’m sorry, I’m confused, you’re saying it’s _not_ due to his accident?”

“It’s from before then,” admitted Sebastian.

Christian looked to him, almost surprised to hear his voice.

“Oh I see.”

“They are stress-related,” re-emphasised Dr Phillips, “unfortunately not uncommon as a consequence of past trauma.”

He gave Christian a look and Christian finally thought he understood.

“Oh. Right, yes… Yes, I see.”

 

Sebastian wished that Christian didn’t. He wished he couldn't see him at all right now. To have all this discussed before him felt humiliating, but if he had left the room as Seb really wanted to, he would only be worrying what they were saying about him behind his back.

“Do you?” checked Dr Phillips.

“Yes I think so.” Christian looked to Sebastian and thought he looked paler than ever. Even he wasn’t so dense as to need that trauma spelling out. “That must be very difficult for you Seb.”

Mark felt like rolling his eyes at such a comment, but he knew Christian was attempting to be sympathetic.

“It’s never been anything to do with racing,” insisted Seb. “Never at a race weekend before.”

“Which we have been through,” the doctor added, “and I am in agreement with Sebastian that the cause and effect is entirely of a personal nature.”

“It was just being in that place. That room,” Seb explained.

Christian caught the warning look on Mark’s face and merely nodded.

“I see.”

“Now, Sebastian has been seeking treatment with both Dr Roberts and his psychiatrist Dr Menton,” Dr Phillips continued.

“Oh? I thought you weren’t seeing him any more?”

“I wasn’t.”

“Ah.”

“Seb is going out of his way to find all the help he can to deal with this,” Dr Phillips assisted, “including speaking to myself and you.”

“Right.”

“It’s not anything to do with when I’m racing,” repeated Sebastian. “It’s never affected that.”

“Until this weekend,” noted Christian.

“Mate it’s exceptional circumstances,” asserted Mark. “You know that.”

 

Christian pushed out a breath. _Did_ he know that? What was he supposed to know exactly? Any mention of what had created the problem in Shanghai had been referred to in the vaguest terms. He wasn’t an idiot, but it would help to know what they were really talking about. Then again, did he _really_ want to know?

“Of course,” Christian allowed.

“So, whilst I am in agreement that overall we can regard it as a personal matter,” continued Dr Phillips, “it is something that we need to be aware of, just in case.”

“Just in case?”

“In the event of a remote possibility he should be affected during a race-weekend again.”

“I really don’t think I will be though,” hurried Seb. “It’s never happened before and it’s not anything to do with me driving or anything like that.”

“Okay,” nodded Christian, looking to the doctor who was clearly trying to impart something in his expression, mostly Christian interpreted: _just accept this and we’ll talk later._

“Sebastian has explained that there were specific circumstances that brought on the incidence last week,” stated Dr Phillips, “which of course aren’t going to be repeated, so given that we’ve had no issues at races previously, I am hopeful that we shouldn’t in future and our discussion here is purely precautionary. We have agreed a few preventative measures and on that basis I am in agreement that there is no reason to consider it a team matter.”

“Right, okay.”

“So you won’t tell anyone?” checked Seb once more.

“If the doc says there’s no need, then that’s enough for me,” assured Christian.

“Thank you.”

 

Christian felt bad at seeing Seb’s shoulders relax slightly at that.

“That’s alright. Really Sebi don’t be worrying. We just want you to feel better, right Doc?”

“Of course. So as I said, he’s getting the help he needs and I am going to try to improve my knowledge on this area so that in the unlikely even there is a further problem whilst Seb is at a race, then I am better able to help.”

“Okay.”

“And Seb has agreed that should he feel unwell whilst at a race, or at work, then he will contact me immediately.”

“Sure. Okay well that sounds sensible,” accepted Christian.

“To which end,” continued Dr Phillips, “this is another reason we are speaking to you; As team principle you are on hand at races as another person to whom Seb could inform should there be any issue.”

“Which I really don’t think I will need to,” appealed Sebastian.

“Alright Seb I appreciate that,” soothed Christian.

“We’re really just talking about a safety net,” noted the doctor, “just so there is no need to worry.”

“Right.”

“Basically it would just be a matter of you getting hold of me to deal with it.”

“Got it.”

“Most of the time I’m gonna be around anyway,” added in Mark.

“Mm, okay.”

“Christian I promise I’ve never had anything before at a race,” insisted Sebastian. “I mean years ago things were far worse and it never affected my work.”

“No,” nodded Christian. “That’s a fair point Seb. Okay, well at least this explains why you were so ill in Shanghai.”

 

Seb gave a tiny nod. It wasn’t much of an upside to him, but he could tell Christian was trying. Seeing his less than positive response, Christian reined things in a little.

“Though obviously not good for you and I’m sorry things have been affecting you since you got home.”

It was hard for Seb not to presume that meant Christian thought he still looked like shit.

“Mm, on which note,” moved on Dr Phillips, deciding seeing as they seemed on a roll they ought to tackle the other key issue. “Given how unwell Seb has been, and particularly that this has continued since he came home, I have to concur with Dr Robert's recommendation that he does not compete this coming weekend.”

“Oh.”

 

Seb and Mark looked to one another, getting from his reaction that Christian had not been expecting to hear that. Suddenly Seb felt more nervous again. Perhaps this had been going too well and now Christian knew he wasn’t fit to race it was all going to go downhill?

“I’m really sorry Christian,” he apologised. “I know I’ve already caused such problems last weekend and I know I’m letting you down and the whole team. I just…” He shook his head, not wanting to let his emotions spill over. “If it was just a bit longer. If it wasn’t a back-to-back. I’d have to leave the day after tomorrow and I just… I just need a bit more time.”

Mark’s arm had gone around him and it was a comfort, but Seb still felt awful and his face showed it. Christian shook his head. After hearing what he had how could he really be shocked this was how things were?

“Seb if you’re not well right now then you’re not well.”

“He’s just having a tough time mate,” intervened Mark.

“Yes I appreciate that.”

“It’s not like I don’t want to race,” asserted Seb.

“I’m sure.”

“I have to say, having gone over all of this I think that it is the wisest course of action,” Dr Phillips added.

“If it was just an extra week until the next one,” Seb lamented.

Christian was getting a dose of those big blue eyes, hardly for the first time while he had known Sebastian, but he understood why he was feeling insecure.

“It’s bad timing,” he agreed.

“I’m so sorry Christian.”

“No no, I meant for you. Look, Seb the team will manage. If the best thing is for you to miss another race and stay home a little longer, then that’s just how it is.”

“What will you tell them?”

Huffing a long breath Christian considered that. Given that he had vowed not to reveal the actual reason, it was rather a sticky point.

“Well… I suppose I’ll just have to say you’re still not well.”

“Won’t they want to know why though?”

 

They would, Christian knew. Or at least key people would. The team more generally would as usual get on with the job. For sure he might get some enquiries after Seb. Well meaning ones from his mechanics and engineers and so forth just as he had this weekend gone, but it wasn’t too hard to give a vague answer and offer to pass on their best wishes saying you were sure he would be back soon. Upper management was a different matter. Christian had little patience for Dr Marko’s snide complaints that ‘there’s always something’ with Sebastian, but questions were unavoidable.

“More trouble than he’s worth.”

“Excuse me?” Christian had stopped as they stood in his temporary office at the circuit on he Friday just gone.

“Sebastian. Always problems, complications we could do with out.”

“It’s hardly his fault.”

“What is it anyway? What was so bad he had to go home?”

“Ah I don’t know. I’m not a doctor am I?” argued Christian. “He’s going for more tests.”

“Where?”

“At the hospital back home.”

“Oh.”

It was quite tempting to pull a childish face at halting him with that, but Christian always tried to maintain the high ground.

“So we’ll just have to see. Temporary I’m sure.”

“Hmm. Simpler drivers out there. In my day a driver just got on with it.”

“Helmut he was hospitalised.”

“He seems to bring nothing but problems.”

“That and four world championships,” noted Christian dryly.

“A long time ago now.”

“Race wins. Experience, talent. No driver on the grid works harder with their guys in the garage. Ask any team who they’d want given a free hand and you know he would be amongst the very top picks.”

“Fine,” relented Dr Marko, “but you cannot say you do not wish he were a simpler person to deal with.”

“He is our driver. He has always shown us loyalty, even, if you are forgetting Helmut, when our car very nearly killed him.”

That shut him up, just as Christian intended.

“I don’t think it will kill us to show a little loyalty in return,” he asserted. “It’s only missing one race for heavens’ sake.”

Getting little more than a shake of the head in reply Christian decided he was done arguing about this.

“Anyway, if you’ll forgive me I have matters to attend to.”

“The press are asking more questions.”

“Aren’t they always?” reposted Christian. “I’ll deal with it.”

Getting little more than a half shrug in reply Christian had returned to his work as Dr Marko left. His phone sat on the desk in front of him. Perhaps he should just give Seb another ring to see how he was doing now he was home?

 

“Don’t worry about it Sebi,” Christian reassured. “We’ll think of something. All the team really need to know is that you won’t be back until Baku because Bahrain is too soon.” He looked to the doctor. “Would it be wrong to say that it has been recommended that Sebastian has some more rest awaiting further tests?”

Dr Phillips scrubbed a hand at his jaw.

“I suppose not seeing as he’s going back in to see Dr Roberts I think at the weekend?”

“Um I need to speak to her, but I think yeah probably Saturday again,” confirmed Sebastian.

“Right, well then.”

“Won’t they still ask more though?” wondered Seb. “I mean tests makes it sound like I’ve got some terrible illness. I don’t really want to lie to people.”

Christian puffed a breath. Seb didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want to tell the truth either. How the hell did they pick a way through this?

“Aren’t they all going to speculate about it?” Seb worried further. “The media and stuff?”

It didn’t do much good pointing out that they already were, so Christian avoiding mentioning that.

“If we’re talking about media perceptions then to be honest the person I would really speak to is Britta. She’s the one who deals with them for you.”

Sebastian looked to Mark, feeling a new weight.

“I know you don’t want to tell more people sweetheart, but maybe Britta? I mean you trust her don’t you?”

Seb could feel all of them waiting on his response. He did trust Britta. Of course he did. She was usually his first line of defence, the person by his side throughout races, in the garage, in the media pen, organising his time and looking out for him. They hadn’t ever really discussed a lot of his past and all that had gone on with Heikki, not the worst of it certainly, but Seb had the impression that she knew more than she let on. She chose to keep it to herself though. Wasn’t that a good sign?

 

He took a deep breath and pushed it out.

“I guess it wouldn’t be so bad, but nobody else, no one beyond Britta.”

Christian nodded.

“Right, that’s our team then.”

“Our team?” questioned Seb, eyebrows raised.

“To deal with this. Britta is good at the perception side of things. Now, she’s not around today as I told her not to worry about coming into work after this weekend gone, but I could ask her if perhaps we reconvene tomorrow?” proposed Christian.

Sebastian wanted to sigh at stringing this further out, but he knew Britta must have had her work cut out over the weekend and deserved a day off. He turned to Mark.

“Is that okay?”

“Talking to Britta?”

“Doing this tomorrow.”

“Oh, course it is.” Mark looked to Christian. “You’ll come here?”

“Sure. Now, I am going to have to speak to Dietrich and Helmut about planning for the weekend so we can get organised.”

He saw Sebastian deflate a little at that, so Christian continued.

“They’re not going to speak to anyone.”

“No but what will you tell them?”

Christian shrugged.

“Just that you’re still not well enough to compete in Bahrain.”

“And when they ask why?”

“I don’t know Seb, I guess that it’s more of the same. That’s the truth at least.”

“I spose.”

“I’ll just have to tell them as much truth as I can,” proposed Christian. “After you collapsed in China and were taken to hospital for tests, referred for more scans and tests at your local hospital to check for any signs of concussion or heart problems. That’s all true isn’t it Doc?”

“Um, well yes.”

“And what,” asked Mark, “you just leave the rest blank?”

“I’d say that whilst tests haven’t shown anything serious, the medical recommendation is that you don’t race this weekend, but you should be cleared to return soon. Like you said Seb, just bad luck that it’s a back-to-back race or you’d probably be there.”

“Will they accept that?” asked Seb.

“They’ll have to.”

 

Sebastian sighed and sat a little more into Mark who rubbed his thumb over his arm where he held on to him.

“That’s not so bad is it sweetheart?”

“I guess.”

He squished his face a little as he thought about people, particularly those in authority above him at the team, discussing him, possibly not in the best terms. Sebastian wasn’t looking forward to having to return to all this tomorrow and including another person, but Christian referring to it as being his team did mean something. It made him think of Henry referring to those on his side. They _were_ on his side and he did think he could trust them. As long as it didn’t go beyond this, Seb thought he could handle it.

“Okay, but you won’t tell them anything else we’ve talked about?” Seb checked.

“Of course not Seb. I’ve given you my word on that,” asserted Christian.

He said that so firmly that Sebastian felt he had to accept it.

“Thank you. Sorry.”

“That’s alright. You really don’t need to worry about that Seb, okay?”

“Okay.”

Christian was already thinking that even if he had tried to explain it to them Dietrich and Helmut probably wouldn't really appreciate what panic attacks really meant and Dr Marko certainly would be unlikely to demonstrate much sympathy. Their agreed edited version of the truth was the easiest option and that would have to do. If they pushed on it Christian knew he would just end up hinting that it was about taking precautions due to Seb’s accident, even if it was some time ago now. Dietrich wouldn’t question that and Helmut wouldn't want to discuss it, so either way it would hopefully mean the conversation quickly moved on to making temporary alternative arrangements and that would be that.

 

Mark gave Seb’s arm a rub and smiled at him encouragingly.

“It’ll be alright. Christian’ll handle it. Right Christian?”

“Sure,” nodded Christian, sounding far more confident than he actually felt. “I’ll speak to them this afternoon and get things in motion so we’re sorted for the coming weekend. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“What about the media?” Seb asked.

“Well they don’t need to know until Thursday. We can work that out with Britta tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian puffed out the longest breath. He just had to accept this and pray it all worked out. He leaned more into Mark feeling worn-out from having to go through all this.

“Alright then,” Christian confirmed, his mind already whirling with all the things he would need to organise as soon as he got back to the factory.

 

Mark noticed the half drunk cold coffee in front of the doctor and thought how tired Christian looked.

“I didn’t get you a drink,” he realised. “Sure you don’t want a coffee or something Christian?”

Christian was tempted to say he really needed to get back to work to start dealing with all of this, but politeness won out.

“Oh um, well yes a coffee would be nice, thank you.”

“Doc I’ll get you a fresh one,” Mark offered, already picking up the mug and looking to Seb. “Sweetheart do you want something? Cup of tea maybe?”

Seb gave him a smile for guessing that would be comforting for him. He nodded thanks, then sat back as Mark left the room. As a slightly awkward silence descended, the doctor looked to the door.

“Um I might just use your loo if that’s alright?” he requested.

“Oh of course.”

“Upstairs is it?”

Seeing as the link door to the gym extension was locked, Sebastian nodded.

“Just on your right at the top.”

“Thanks.”

“Oh and mind the baby-gates, you just lift the grey bit at the side to open them.”

“Sure.”

 

Now it was just the two of them Sebastian felt oddly more awkward despite the fact Christian had been here plenty of times as a friend. Seb found himself gazing at the family photos on the hearth, thinking about Teddy and wondering what he was doing right now. He hoped his son was having a nice time playing, that broad smile and lovely laugh Teddy had when he was enjoying himself, clapping his hands to encourage his parents to push him more on the swing when Seb wished he’d just hold on tight instead. It was impossible not to smile back though, no matter that the little boy ignored his papa’s requests to stay safe and hold on when Teddy just wanted to go higher.

“We’ll get it all sorted out Seb,” offered Christian.

Seb turned his head to him.

“Hm?”

“All this. You don’t need to worry about it.”

Sebastian nodded. The odds of him not worrying were infinitesimally low, but there was no point saying so.

“Thanks.” He looked at Christian, thinking about how much more work he was going to have to do now. “I’m sorry. I know I’m making more problems for you.”

“Seb don’t worry about it,” assured Christian. “It’s not your fault. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Christian glanced towards the door. He really could use that coffee now. God he was tired. So tired he hardly knew what time it was. Dealing with the fall-out from Seb not racing, actually running the team through the race-weekend, travelling around the world with barely a break before being right back into work again as if jet-lag wasn’t affecting him. And now the following weekend was going to be more of the same. Christian was almost as grateful as Seb that at least there was to be a two week gap before the next race after this.

 

As he looked back at Seb Christian couldn’t help thinking how it always seemed there was more he didn’t know about him. Yet more things hidden behind the curtain. How much more was there that he didn’t know?

“Seb, in Shanghai…”

Their eyes locked as both realised that Christian had been about to ask more than he should. Instantly Christian felt a terrible wave of guilt as Sebastian’s face froze, his entire body tensed and it was as though even the air around them changed density. Christian didn’t think it was possible for such blue eyes to look dark, but in that moment they did, or at least they did to him, as though he glimpsed, just for a brief second, the darkness buried beneath.

Seb thought he showed no sign externally of the internal reaction flaming inside him; his heart beating like a machine gun, his skin sparking with electricity and his stomach turning over.

“I’m sorry,” apologised Christian hurriedly as his mouth finally caught up with his brain. “Sorry, I shouldn't…”

Christian trailed off awkwardly as Sebastian tightly shook his head, only too obviously telling him not to go there. Sighing to himself, Christian put a hand on Seb’s arm, intending to apologise properly and offer comfort, but he only felt worse when Seb flinched at the touch. Sitting back he looked at him and shook his head too.

“It’s not my business,” he assured. “I’m so sorry Seb, I’ve no right to ask anything more than you want to tell us. I apologise.”

Seb attempted a shrug and tried to ignore the clammy feeling on the surface of his skin.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Christian admitted. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me.”

He was rewarded with a nod, and Christian nodded back, knowing he had to leave it there unless he wanted to risk making things worse. It made him feel more guilty however, to realise that in a way he had his answer as to what had happened in that room in Shanghai; something truly terrible, something scarring, something haunting Seb still. Something he should never, ever ask more about.

 

At that moment Mark came through with a tray of drinks, depositing it on the coffee table and about to distribute the mugs when Christian stood.

“Forgive me I think I’ll just see if the bathroom is free,” he excused.

Mark frowned as he left, then looked to Seb. Christian didn’t look back to see if Mark was asking if anything was wrong. Instead he hurried up the stairs and stood on the landing, setting his head back against the wall between the bedrooms, staring up at the ceiling berating himself for being such an idiot.

“Are you alright?”

Christian looked to see Dr Phillips coming out of the bathroom. He sighed and shook his head.

“I just said something incredibly foolish to Seb.”

“Foolish?”

“Insensitive. Idiotic frankly. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Is he alright?”

“Mark’s in there. I did apologise.”

“What did you say?”

“I almost asked what happened. In Shanghai.”

The doctor stared at him.

“You mean?”

“I’m an idiot. Christ, I just about stopped in time, but I wasn’t thinking.”

“Bloody hell.”

“I know, I know.” Christian sighed, rubbing at his jaw.

Dr Phillips sighed and shook his head.

“I put my foot in it earlier. To be honest that’s why I’ve been trying so hard to word this all so carefully.”

Christian nodded.

“The last thing I wanted to do was make this worse.”

“I’m sure. Did he say anything?”

“No. I don’t even really want to know. It just came out of my mouth. Thank god I didn’t finish my sentence. My brain really isn’t working well this morning.”

“Hmm.”

 

The doctor could see how guilty he looked and put a hand on his arm.

“I think the important thing is to just to do our best to support him through this.”

“That’s what I intend to do.”

“Mm, well.”

“I mean he said it was okay when I apologised, but then he always says it’s okay. He always says he’s fine.”

“Which I think rather emphasises the seriousness of things when Seb will say he isn’t okay,” noted Dr Phillips.

“Yes.”

“It’s a big admission for him.”

“I understand that.”

“So we just have to do all we can to see him through this. We do have a duty of care you know?”

“I appreciate that.”

“Good. I know F1 practically prides itself on being hard-nosed about things.”

“Not in this,” stopped Christian. “Besides it’s not about F1.”

“I’m glad you agree. In all honesty knowing Sebastian as I do, I suspect that he could get in the car in Bahrain and do a job. He’s very good at focussing on the task in hand, but I think attempting to get through a race weekend would be a strain and detrimental to him in the longer-term.”

“So we cut our losses here and think ahead.”

“Basically, yes.”

“I suppose it’s best we should give him some space to pull himself together.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow.

“I think that’s the sort of phrase we need to avoid. It implies blame.”

“I didn’t mean…”

“I know you didn’t, but he’s extremely sensitive. Whatever did happen back then it has caused severe trauma to him. We need to handle this very carefully.”

“You think we failed him in the past.”

“I know I did.”

 

Christian shook his head.

“Not just you. Okay, what do we do then?

“I’ve asked his permission to have a proper discussion with his neurologist. Hopefully she will guide me in the right direction. Other than, I think it’s really just a matter of being aware. I think it’s no bad thing Seb has agreed to bring his assistant in on this. Britta is with him most of the time isn’t she?”

“Do you really think it’s something we’re going to have to watch out for?”

“I would hope it’s something we never see again in all honesty, but isn’t it better to know and not encounter it, than the other way around?”

“Of course.”

“Right, so we just have to accept this and help Seb try to move on.”

“You really think it’s not going to be an issue?”

“He says this was worse in the past and it never affected his driving or work generally, so I think it’s reasonable to assume it shouldn’t be an issue in future,” asserted the doctor.

“Yes I suppose so.”

“If however we push Seb into racing when he isn’t ready then we really could create a bigger problem.”

“Yeah I get that. Okay, well I’ll deal with the work side, if you can monitor how he’s doing.”

“Of course.”

“And we just have to hope he’s alright for Baku.”

“Two and a half weeks,” noted Dr Phillips. “I’d hope that’s enough. Once we’ve sorted this I’d suggest hands off, light approach. Just check in occasionally to let him know we’re there if he needs us, but give him some peace. Seeing as this is all about stress then we make sure he has as little as possible. Yes?”

“Yes of course.”

“Right, I’d better go down.”

“I’ll just be a minute.”

 

The doctor nodded and left Christian to go into the bathroom while he went down to drink his coffee while it was actually hot this time. A couple of minutes later Christian did the same, though he couldn’t miss the look Mark gave him as he re-entered the room.

They all seemed to be in need of taking a moment without talking too much, so it didn’t take long to finish their drinks. As Mark started collecting them up Christian picked up his and the doctor's mug.

“I’ll help,” he offered, going with him to the door.

Mark just nodded, leading him into the kitchen to put things by the sink. Christian could tell he wanted a word and tried to head him off.

“Mark…”

“What did you say to him?”

Christian opened his mouth, knowing what this was about.

“I… I just…” He sighed. “I nearly asked him what really happened in Shanghai.”

“ _What?”_

“I stopped myself Mark. I just… I shouldn’t even have mentioned the place.”

“What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t thinking. Or not well.”

“Jesus Christian. You think he wants to talk about that?”

“I know. Ah hell. I’m sorry. I didn’t actually ask, but…” Christian sighed. “What did he say?”

“Not much, but I knew something was wrong. Why the hell would you ask him about that?”

“It just came out. I really only said the place Mark.”

“But he knew what you meant.”

 

Christian couldn’t deny it. He could kick himself for being so insensitive.

“I really didn’t mean to.”

“We’re trying to do everything we can to help him _not_ think about all that shit,” pointed out Mark. “The last thing he needs is people prying.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I said sorry to him.”

“Hmm.”

“Mark I am. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say anything. I just… Ah hell Mark I’m tired, okay? My brain wasn’t properly connected to my mouth.”

Mark sighed as he looked at him.

“We’re all tired,” he allowed.

“I know it’s no excuse.”

Mark shrugged and shook his head.

“You didn’t actually ask him?” he checked.

“No. I nearly did though and I know that’s bad enough.”

“Mm, well.” Mark puffed a breath. “Okay, just stay away from all that please.”

Christian nodded.

“I’ll apologise again.”

Mark shook his head.

“No just leave it. Every time anyone mentions stuff it just brings things back to the surface. That’s what he _doesn’t_ need.”

“Of course.”

“He needs a proper rest. If he could just get a decent night’s sleep I think that would help.”

“Have you had a night’s sleep either?” wondered Christian.

Mark huffed a mirthless laugh.

“What do you think?”

Christian nodded and Mark nodded back.

“Alright. I guess that’s why I’m pretty ratty too,” Mark allowed. “I know it’s inconvenient the race being this weekend.”

“Oh damn convenience Mark. I really do just want Seb to be okay. I want to help.”

“Thank you.”

“You can trust me Mark. Please make sure Seb understands that.”

Mark nodded then huffed out a breath.

“I guess you need to get back to work.”

“Yeah. Calls to make.”

Mark raised an eyebrow and Christian knew they both understood what calls he meant.

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

The dogs had trotted over from their baskets in the corner and Christian gave them a stroke along with Mark who had clocked the buggy in here the moment he walked in.

“Guess Pauline's back,” he noted.

“We’d better push off then.”

“Thanks.”

 

A couple of minutes later they were showing their visitors out. Both Christian and Dr Phillips parting with renewed vows to Seb that he need have no concerns that they would break their word to keep this to themselves. Sebastian thanked them as Mark merely nodded. Then as soon as the door was shut he turned into Mark to receive another long hug.

“It’ll be alright sweetheart.”

Seb nodded into him, then looked up.

“You were a long time in the kitchen with Christian.”

“Was I?”

That got a raised eyebrow in response and Mark knew Seb wasn’t so easily fooled.

“I just wanted a word,” he confessed.

“What about?”

“Just, this. It’s fine. He’s promised we can trust him.”

Seb nodded, knowing he had been told that half a dozen times at least now.

“I thought he was going to ask about what happened. You know, why in Shanghai, but… I guess I’m being paranoid about everything right now.”

Mark shook his head. It wasn’t going to help Seb’s trust issues to point out that Christian nearly had. So long as he had stopped himself and stepped back Mark decided he had to forgive him. Christian didn’t know what a black hole that really was.

“You’re not paranoid darling. Don’t be worrying any more. Okay? It’s all in hand.”

“Okay.”

“Are you alright with Britta getting involved?” checked Mark.

Sebastian sighed.

“I guess. As long that’s it.”

“Sure.”

“I know I can trust her.”

“Course we can. It’ll be fine. We’ll just get tomorrow dealt with and then that’s it, we just get to be us, do what we need to.”

“Yeah okay.” Seb glanced towards the closed door. “We should let Pauline know they’ve gone now.”

“Oh she’s back.”

“What?”

“Pushchair and dogs are in the kitchen. They must have gone straight upstairs.”

“Oh right. I didn’t hear anything.”

Mark smiled.

“Stealthy. Maybe Teddy was asleep?”

“Let’s go see.”

 

 

Pauline hadn’t missed the additional car on the drive as she had pushed Teddy up it, the dogs trotting beside them. She managed to get inside and very carefully closed the front door behind her to make as little noise as possible. On seeing the lounge door firmly shut Pauline pointed on to the kitchen and the dogs trotted ahead of her, Pauline pushing the buggy straight through from the hallway so she could take Teddy out there instead. Once the kitchen door was closed she ducked down with him, giving the little boy a smile.

“I think your daddy and papa are still busy chickadee, so we’ll look after ourselves for a bit.”

“Papa.”

“Mm, think they need a bit more time so we’ll just get a nice snack and have it in your little kitchen upstairs shall we?”

She glanced over to see that the dogs were helping themselves to their bowls in the corner for their snack and stood, going to wash her hands before making Teddy his own. She balanced his sippy-cup on one of Teddy’s plastic plates and put it on the kitchen table wondering if there was a way to carry him, that, and a drink for herself as well. No, she’d have to wait for if he had a nap. Never mind.

“Right sweetheart, let’s get you out of your buggy.”

Pauline unclipped him and took off his little coat before lifting him out, making sure Teddy had his toy firmly gripped in his hand before hitching him to the side so she could hold him with one arm.

“Here we go lovey, let’s go up. A snack and a play and then we’ll see if you’ll have a nap.”

“Ap.”

That drew a smile. Pauline kissed the little boy’s forehead as she found a way to balance things.

“Good boy. Maybe a story too, hm?”

Teddy snuggled into her and Pauline got the impression that if she let him have a run around first it wouldn't take long for him to wear himself out. She looked over to the dogs.

“Now, best behaviour boys. No disturbing anyone.”

Shadow and Simba looked up at her, then settled into their baskets.

“Good boys. Up we go then Teddy.”

 

 

On opening the nursery door now Mark and Seb found Pauline sat in the rocking chair near the window, Teddy curled up asleep in her lap resting into her, the pair looking for all the world like a grandmother and child.

“Hey,” greeted Mark softly.

“Oh hello.”

“Hi Pauline. We didn’t hear you come in,” noted Seb.

“I didn’t want to disturb you. We’ve not been long. I take it they’ve gone now?”

“Yeah,” Seb nodded, glad that she wasn’t asking anything about their visitors.

“Having his nap then?” Mark commented to change the subject.

“I was reading him a story and he dropped off. I hadn’t the heart to move him.”

“He’s looks pretty comfy,” Mark smiled.

“I’ll take him,” offered Seb.

 

He stepped in and succeeded in scooping Teddy up without waking him. Sebastian considered putting him down in his cot, but as the little boy snuggled into him he had no more heart to do so than Pauline had, so as she stood he took her place in the rocking chair. Mark made no comment on it, instead giving Pauline a smile.

“Thank you so much for helping us out today.”

“No trouble. We just had a little play and came back.”

“Would you like a cup of tea or something?”

“Oh no I’ll get on. Seb dear, I’m glad you’re looking better.”

 

Sebastian hardly knew what to say to that, so he simply thanked her before Mark showed Pauline out. When he came back upstairs Seb looked up at him while Mark found a way to perch on the window ledge by them.

“Do I look better?” he wondered.

Mark smiled.

“Yeah I reckon. Pauline’s always pretty honest about stuff isn’t she?”

Seb huffed a little laugh. He could certainly count on her to say when he looked terrible.

“Guess so.”

“Do you feel better?”

Sebastian almost said he was just relieved they were gone, but that wasn’t entirely true.

“A bit.”

“Good.”

“We’re heading in the right direction, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then.” Mark leaned in a little to peer at Teddy now sleeping into Seb. “All tuckered out. Guess he had fun at the park.”

“Yeah. Maybe we could do that later in the week?”

“Sure.”

“Maybe even go for a run.”

Mark smiled at that. He knew they were both tired, but getting some oxygen fed into their brains would be positive and he was pleased to hear Seb suggesting they do more normal things.

“Sounds good darling. We could stop for coffee if you felt like it? Get our wind back before this little guy wears us out at the playground.”

 

Sebastian nodded as he looked down at Teddy sleeping. Holding him like this was the most comforting feeling. Like this he was almost like a tiny baby again, so helpless and dependant on them. He caught Mark watching him and raised his gaze to give him a little smile.

“That sounds nice Liebling.”

“Great. We’ll just do nice things. All the nice things you want.”

Nodding again, Seb made a decision.

“After this I’ll call Dr Roberts and make the appointment.”

“Sure.”

“And I’ll text Henry, arrange to call him, maybe tomorrow afternoon or the day after.”

“Whenever you like darling.”

“I think it’ll just feel better to get things sorted.”

“Course.”

“Do you think Pauline will babysit on Saturday again?”

“I’m sure she will.”

“Yeah. She’s so good.”

Mark nodded and reached over to place his hand on Seb’s arm.

“She doesn’t mind. Everyone just wants to help you sweetheart. We’re all on your side.”

As Seb felt Mark’s thumb gently rub over his skin he felt oddly tearful again. Mark saw it somehow.

“That was meant to make you feel better.”

“It does. Just...”

Seb gave a tight shake of his head and Mark sat further forwards.

“Sweetheart why don’t we just put him down a mo and go have a little lie down ourselves?”

 

Sebastian hesitated, then nodded, allowing Mark to scoop Teddy up to carefully place him in his cot. The little boy squirmed a bit, but as his father tucked the blanket over him he settled again, allowing his parents to leave him in peace. Seb and Mark went through to their own room and simply lay down on the bed facing one another.

“I don’t know why I feel a bit… I don’t know, a bit shaky,” admitted Seb.

“You feel shaky?” frowned Mark.

“A bit. I don’t know...”

“Come here.”

Mark wrapped his arms around him and held Seb close.

“That better?”

“Yeah I just… I’m not sure why.”

“Bit of a morning.”

“Yeah.”

“I know it was hard, but it’s all good darling. Okay? You got through it. You were really brave.”

“Brave?”

“Yes. I’m very proud of you darling. So proud.”

Seb huffed through his nose but Mark shook his head.

“I am. That was really tough, but you did it.”

“Do you think it’s gonna be okay?”

“Yeah sweetheart, I do. They’re on our side. It’s gonna be alright.”

“I think I just need a cuddle.”

Mark kissed his forehead and pulled him tighter.

“Always happy to oblige.” He looked down as Seb rested his head at the top of his chest. “I think it’s release darling. If you feel a bit shaky, I think it might be that.”

 

Seb nodded and Mark thought how he could feel Seb’s heart beating hard as he lay into him. Still a bit fast. No wonder he exhausted himself when he kept putting his body through all this.

“We’ll just do nice things,” he repeated. “All nice things for the rest of the day. We’ll have a little rest until Teddy wakes up and then we can just do what we want.”

“Can we put up the tee-pee?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Yep. We can do anything you want. Anything at all.”

Sebastian let out a relieved sigh and began to relax into him, closing his eyes and wondering if it was selfish to hope Teddy napped for another twenty minutes or so. Mark could feel Seb’s heart-rate steady. He guessed he was right about the shakiness Seb felt being a post-adrenaline release after such a stressful morning. Seb would probably sleep, be sluggish when he woke and take a little while to come back to him. That was okay though. Mark didn’t mind. He didn’t mind if Seb wanted to put up Teddy’s little tent for them to hide inside in their garden. He didn’t mind if Seb wanted to talk, or not talk. If he just wanted to be comforted like this, then that was fine by Mark.

 

 

 

It seemed they were in luck and after having a rest, they got up to find that their son was still fast asleep. Seeing as no good came from waking him, they left him sleeping in the nursery and went downstairs. They sat having a peaceful cup of tea in the kitchen until the monitor interrupted them informing them that their quiet time was up and their son was demanding their attention once more. Then just as they were heading upstairs the doorbell rang, so Mark turned around to get it while Seb went on up. When he joined them in the nursery Mark found Sebastian changing Teddy’s nappy. He put down the package he was carrying to help out, then as Seb cleaned his hands he nodded over.

“What’s that?”

“Just a delivery at the door.”

“Oh?”

Mark set Teddy down to toddle about the nursery as he picked the package back up and pulled at the cardboard tab to open it. Seb peered in, frowning a little at the plastic wrapped item emerging.

“What is it?”

“Patience,” teased Mark, now tearing open the plastic to remove the contents. As Teddy toddled over and put a hand on his leg, Mark smiled down at him. “What have we got here kiddo? Has Daddy been buying something for you?”

“Dada.”

“Yeah, let’s see.”

He pulled it out and set the packaging above Teddy’s reach, showing him and Seb what it was.

“Oh Liebling,” beamed Seb.

Mark smiled back as he knelt to hold the little outfit against their son to check it would fit. It was a new version of the dinosaur onesie he’d had as a baby, pale blue with sewn on darker blue triangular scales all the way up the back to the hood.

“Aw it’s even got a little tail,” noticed Seb.

“Yep. You wanna be dino little man?” Mark asked Teddy.

“Da!”

Mark chuckled.

“Russian are we? Very advanced.”

“Uh, uh!” demanded Teddy, now raising his arms to indicate he mean ‘up’.

Sebastian lifted him up and took him to the changing table, beginning to remove his ordinary outfit to put him in this new one. As he buttoned him in Mark collected up the rubbish.

“Just get rid of this.”

“Righto.”

 

Sebastian smiled down at their son as he lay on the changing mat, waggling his legs about. He tickled his tummy through the soft jersey material and laughed as the little boy giggled.

“Is Dino tickly? Hm? Tickle Teddy.”

He caught hold of one of Teddy’s bare feet sticking out seeing as this older version didn’t have footsie parts. It made Sebastian think how much bigger their son was now, those little feet were still adorable though. He loved each and every tiny wiggling toe. Seb smiled down at his son, then kissed the sole of his foot, only making Teddy laugh again. He did the same for the other foot, then let them go as the little boy laughed and started kicking his legs.

“Where are your socks Teddybär? Hm? Can’t have little tootsies getting cold.”

Seb dug them out from the pile of discarded clothing, one hand holding Teddy on the mat to stop him wriggling off. As he tried to fit them on, the little boy kicked his legs even more and tried to sit up, so Seb lifted him off and set him on the floor instead, letting him sit while he finished dressing him. Putting one sock on, Seb went to add the other only for his son to reach and pull the sock off.

“No Papa!” he protested.

“No?”

“No,” pouted Teddy. “No soh!”

Seb raised his eyebrows.

“Whatcha saying? Hm?”

“I think he means no socks.”

Turning his head, Seb saw Mark joining them.

“Hm? That it mate? No socks?” asked Mark.

“Soh,” repeated Teddy, picking up the sock and throwing it away.

“Little monster. Poor Papa’s just trying to get you dressed.”

 

Teddy pushed himself to stand so his parents let it slide for a couple of minutes, watching the little boy run about in his new costume. As he came by them Mark pulled the hood up and both of them smiled at how cute he looked.

“Little stompy monster,” teased Mark again.

“Ah you’re not a monster are you Teddy? You’re a dinosaur,” Seb corrected.

“Of course.”

Seb held up his hands as though he was a fierce tyrannosaur.

“Rahhh!”

Teddy giggled, not in the least scared.

“Ahh!” he copied.

“Oh very good mate,” approved Mark. “Tell you what then little dinosaur, what say we let you terrorise the doggies in the garden?”

“Doh!” shouted Teddy, promptly running off again in excitement.

Mark shook his head at Seb, then stood to chase their son down, picking him up and sitting him on his knee back by his papa.

“Right sunshine, dinosaurs who play outside have to wear socks.”

Sebastian had retrieved them and took the opportunity to wrangle them onto their son’s feet. Teddy still pulled a face, but it was impossible not to smile at him doing that whilst fully dressed as a dinosaur, and a blue one at that.

 

 

Five minutes later they were in the garden, the sun a little warmer in the later spring afternoon. Fortunately these days they kept the teepee simply folded up like an umbrella and could easily set it in place while their son toddled about only occasionally getting underfoot. That sorted, Mark and Seb sat on cushions arranged inside Teddy’s teepee, the entrance tied wide open as their little boy had fun running in and out, alternating chasing after the dogs who seemed not in the least phased by their young charge.

As Shadow dodged out of the way of a slightly over-enthusiastic embrace Teddy nearly toppled over, but before Seb could rush over to help him, the little boy set his hands on the grass and pushed back up, tottering off once again. Mark huffed a laugh thinking the red wellies Teddy had insisted on wearing hardly matched his dinosaur costume, but he was happy and Seb plainly was too.

“When did you buy it?” asked Seb as Teddy tottered in their direction.

“Hm? Oh the other day. You were having a nap. I just did it online on my phone.”

Seb nodded.

“Joy of technology.”

“Mm.”

Just then Teddy reached them, not slowing his speed as he reached the entrance of the tent where his parents sat, flinging himself into them without a second thought.

“Papa Dada!”

Seb and Mark pulled him in for a hug, the dogs coming over to try to join in. As Teddy seemed to decide sitting in this huddle was nice for a while, Mark leaned over to top of his head to give Seb a kiss. Seb kissed him back, then let out a little sigh as they sat together, neither parent caring that their son had just tramped mud from those little red wellies all over their jeans. He stroked over Teddy’s arm to check he was warm enough in this outfit, but it seemed he was fine. Happy enough that was for sure.

Seb knew Mark hadn’t bought the costume for their son, not really. He had bought it for Seb, to make him smile. It had worked of course.

 

As the dogs nuzzled in, Teddy patted at them.

“Doh.”

“Doggies darling,” commented Mark. “Dog.”

“Doh. Doh,” repeated the little boy.

Mark smiled and shrugged.

“Near enough mate.”

Teddy smiled, seeming pleased. He pointed at himself.

“Doh!”

Mark bit his lip then laughed.

“Ah.”

“Doh Dada!”

Both parents peered in as their son patted his chest and laughed to himself.

“Does our son think he’s a dog?”

Mark shrugged to Seb.

“Maybe it’s the costume?”

“I kinda hope so.”

Mark laughed again and grinned in at Teddy.

“I thought you were a dino kiddo, not a dog?”

“Doh.”

“Oh well.”

 

Sebastian merely kissed the top of their son’s head where he had pulled the hood back down as he played. He didn’t care if Teddy was playing at being a dog or a dinosaur. Their son was probably far too young to understand the difference anyway.

“You be whatever you want to be Schatz,” he approved.

Teddy looked up at him.

“Doh Papa.”

“Yeah that’s right.”

He gave him a gently squeeze to hug him in and Teddy leaned more into him. As they stayed cuddled together Sebastian thought how this was what he needed; home, family, peace. His supportive husband and their son, their adored little boy who really was the centre of their world. Right now Seb didn’t want their world to be much wider than just this. Helmut could say and think what he wanted, the media could get stuffed. He didn’t want to think about any of that. It didn’t matter. It just _didn’t_ matter. His family was what mattered, that was worth everything. Their son happy and safe from harm, no concept of what his parents were dealing with, just as it should be.

 

 

* * *

 


	260. The Team - pt 2

 

* * *

 

 

The following day there were yet more cars on the Vettel-Webber’s thankfully large driveway. Pauline had offered to take Teddy out again, but Seb was starting to feel guilty about the amount their son was being sent away, so instead they had arranged the meeting a little later for when he was due his morning nap. Mark was currently putting him down in the nursery while Sebastian sat in the kitchen with Britta, as Dr Phillips and Christian occupied themselves with coffee in the lounge.

It had been agreed that when Christian spoke to Britta yesterday afternoon to arrange this, that he would inform her that Sebastian was going to miss another race as he still wasn’t feeling up to it. Seeing as that was the message going to upper management, Seb hadn’t felt too bad about that being said on his behalf. This way at least he only really had to tackle the crux of the matter and Britta came a little prepared for things. Even as the pair of them sat down Britta had offered him a calm reassuring smile as she told him not to worry about it.

“Thanks, sorry I just. I know it’s creating more problems,” apologised Seb.

Britta shook her head.

“Seb it’s fine. You know yourself best, right?”

“I guess.”

“If it’s too soon, it’s too soon. No good forcing yourself if you’re still not feeling well.”

“Mm.”

Britta looked more concerned.

“How are you anyway? I suppose that’s a stupid question in the circumstances.”

“No it’s not. Thank you, um, yeah I guess not brilliant to be honest.”

Britta nodded. Sometimes she wondered if all these years with a British team had rubbed off on Seb. He had certainly mastered the art of the understatement.

“Christian said you were staying to have some more tests run?”

Sebastian felt guilty at how worried she sounded. He didn’t want to mislead her.

“Um, yes but that’s just precautionary really.”

“Sure, well best to make certain,” she offered.

“It’s not really about that,” Seb confessed. “Well, I am going back to the hospital on Saturday, I made the appointment yesterday, but they shouldn’t find anything.”

“Okay well that’s good isn’t it?”

“Yeah I guess.”

Shadow and Simba had come to sit by his feet, thankfully having used up a decent amount of energy when they had got their walk out of the way earlier. It was a comfort to have them there and Seb didn’t miss that Mark had deliberately left them in with him rather than take them through to the lounge or send them into the garden. He reached down and stroked over Simba’s head as he nuzzled into his leg. Then Sebastian took a deep breath. Dive in or face pussyfooting around this all morning.

 

“Thing is Britta I kind of need to talk to you about something.”

“Oh, okay.”

“That’s um, why I wanted a word on our own.”

“Sure.” Britta gave him an encouraging smile and put her hand over his for a moment. “You know you can talk to me.”

“Thanks.” Seb puffed a breath. “Look, I know I shouldn’t need to even say this and I’m probably just being paranoid, but you will keep this to yourself won’t you?”

Britta frowned.

“Of course.”

“I mean even within the team? I’m talking to you, Christian and Doc Phillips, but nobody else, no one at all and it has to stay that way.”

“Okay.”

“You won’t tell anyone?”

“Of course not Seb. You know I’d never do that.”

“I know, sorry. I just need you to understand that’s all. It’s not just media, it’s anyone.”

“Seb I won’t say anything to anyone. I understand. Just us.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

 

Britta shook her head. Even with her she didn’t always get to see the unsheilded private version of Seb, but here he was today, at his most vulnerable.

“Christian already told me you wanted to discuss a private matter,” she related. “So that’s fine, okay, just between us.”

“Thank you.”

“So…” she prompted.

“Yeah, um, okay so it’s um… God this is hard, sorry.”

Britta leaned forwards slightly, even more concerned now.

“Seb are you alright?”

“Yeah, sorry. Although, I mean, not great or we wouldn’t be doing this.”

“Okay, well whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah, okay so the thing is, it’s about what happened last week and why I’m not feeling too good.”

“Uh-huh,” she prompted.

 

Seb closed his eyes for a second to compose himself. Even trusting she wouldn’t reveal this to anyone this was still harder than he had anticipated. He simply had to tell her.

“I had a panic attack, a bad one. I’ve had them before, but never at a race and not for a long time. It was being there, in China, in that room. Something, something bad happened…”

Seb’s chest suddenly went tight and Britta reached for his hand again.

“Seb it’s okay.” She squeezed his hand as he closed his eyes. “It’s okay.”

He looked at her.

“It’s not.”

“No.”

She waited a moment, keeping hold of Seb’s hand and as he looked at her Seb wondered how she stayed so calm.

“I knew something was wrong,” she confessed. “The reason you were so ill. I didn’t know what, but it makes sense now.”

“Does it?”

“Yeah. I’m so sorry Seb.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because that must have been horrible for you.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder and Britta almost smiled at the familiar gesture. A shrug suggested it was nothing, when nothing could be further from the truth.

 

“I thought I’d be okay when I got home, but I’ve not been doing too great to be honest. I had another attack on Saturday and I guess that set me back a bit, or I don’t know, I guess I’d still be feeling pretty crappy anyway.”

“You had another one?”

Sebastian nodded.

“It wasn’t so bad, but obviously it’s not great.”

“No.” Britta took a deep breath. “Ah Seb. How awful. No wonder you’re not yourself.”

That drew another shrugged shoulder.

“I just need a bit of time.”

“Sure.”

“I know it’s going to make life difficult for you. All the media asking questions and making a fuss.”

“Don’t worry about that.”

“I do though.”

“Don’t. Seb dealing with that stuff is my job. It’ll be alright. Christian’s said he wants us to come up with an agreed line for why you’re missing the race. We didn’t really get into it, but we’ll think of something and then, well I’ll handle it. You know what the media are like.”

“Only too well.”

“Yeah but if they realise they’re not getting anything more than you want to give them they move on. They need copy and if you stonewall then they’ll find something else to talk about.”

“Do you think so?”

 

Britta sighed. No good came of telling Seb about all the speculation there had been this weekend past about him being in hospital and not racing. This would only fuel that for sure, but there was a point of burn-out even for the most prurient of gossips. Thank god Seb never went anywhere near social media.

“Don’t take this the wrong way Seb, but they get bored pretty quickly. Saying you’re missing a race due to illness isn’t a new story. I’m not saying they’ll ignore it, but there are ways of damping things down.”

“You think so?”

“My job to think of these things.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“I’ll talk to Christian, agree what we’re going to say and stick to that. It’s a Thursday story Seb. By Friday they’ll be far too busy writing about what is actually happening on track.”

“I guess I should be glad to be old news.”

“I didn’t mean no one would care.”

“I know you didn’t. Sorry. Thank you Britta, I do really appreciate it.”

“I’m more concerned that you’re actually alright Seb.”

“Thank you. I just need a bit of time at home.”

“Okay.”

“I will be back for the race after.”

“You need to take care of yourself. That’s the most important thing.”

“You’re very kind.”

“We’re friends aren’t we?”

“Of course we are. You’ve always looked out for me.”

 

Not enough, thought Britta. Seb looked more like he had when he was recovering from his accident; pale, tired, cheeks not full as they should be, smiles forced and not quite reaching his eyes. All that usual bright sunshine Seb personified, dulled and muted.

“You just concentrate on getting better and we’ll deal with the rest,” she assured.

“Thanks. I just… I am trying to get help. I’m seeing Dr Roberts at the hospital and I’m speaking to my therapist again.”

“Oh right, well… that’s good then.”

Seb gave her a little smile for trying to be so positive.

“Yeah. It’s been such a long time you see.”

“Since you saw them?”

“Well yes, but since I needed to.”

“Oh right, of course.” Britta thought about what he had said. “You had them in the past, panic attacks?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Only when things were really bad, and never at races. It was never anything to do with racing.”

“No. Well…”

Britta didn’t really want to say that it made sense based on what she knew of Seb’s bad times in the past. No explanation required as to what and who it was related to.

“I thought I was over them to be honest,” Sebastian asserted. “I thought it was just in the past, but… I don’t know. I thought all that was behind me.”

“That must make it harder.”

“I guess, yeah.”

Britta nodded, then took a deep breath.

“Okay, so...”

“It’s really never affected me driving, or anything to do with work,” insisted Seb, “except, this weekend and I mean I suppose the next one, but...”

“It’s not to do with that,” offered Britta seeing him struggling.

“Yeah.”

 

She nodded, her mind inevitably turning over all the incidences she could think of when Seb had seemed upset or worked up when she was around him. She’d definitely read tension in him before, all kinds of emotions really, but never so entirely floored surely as in China, except...

“Seb that time in Hungary, when you were ill.”

Seb frowned, then realised what she was getting at.

“Oh. No that wasn’t the same. I was dehydrated and the heat was just too much.”

“Right.”

“It really was that. I wouldn't lie to you.”

“No, I didn’t mean to imply you would Seb.”

“I know I passed out, but it was different.”

“Okay. I’m not an expert on this.”

“No okay, sorry.”

“I was just checking.”

Seb nodded.

“That was different. It was just a physical thing. The panic attacks are different. It’s in my head, or at least it starts there. I know that probably makes me sound… I don’t know…”

He trailed off and Britta looked at him.

“It makes it sound as though you’ve had something tough to deal with Seb. That it had an affect on you. But seeing as I didn’t know anything about it I’d say you must have been coping pretty well.”

Sebastian let out a relieved breath.

“Yeah. Thank you. You’re so kind Britta. You don’t know how much it means to me.”

 

Britta merely shrugged, then felt bad again at how relieved he seemed. She shook her head and leaned in to give him a long hug. As she lifted away Seb embarrassedly wiped at his eyes, so Britta pretended not to notice, taking a sip of her lukewarm coffee to give him a moment.

“Sorry,” he apologised.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for. We’ll deal with this, okay? Don’t we always?”

“Yeah.”

“Dealt with worse things than this before haven’t we?”

Seb managed a little laugh.

“I guess we have.”

“So, I’ll deal with the press having another little tizzy, you ignore them and take a bit of time to feel better. Christian said you thought you should be back for the race after?”

“Yeah. I’m sure I’ll be okay by then.”

“I’m sure you will too.”

“I know the press will be all over me when I go back.”

Britta held up a hand.

“We’ll deal with that when we need to. Don’t worry about it now. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“You and I, and I guess Christian, can have a chat closer to the time. We’ll work out a plan, put it into action and get on with the weekend. But until then you don’t need to think about it. Okay?”

“Okay,” repeated Sebastian.

 

He gave her a smile, thinking how usually someone so firmly taking charge of his life usually made him uncomfortable, but not Britta. Britta taking charge of things was a relief. She was his first line of defence, as always. Why had he worried about telling her?

“I’m so glad I’ve got you,” he admitted.

“We’re a team, right?”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“That’s what Christian called it. This, you and him and the doc. The only ones I’m telling, so you’re my team, backing me up.”

“Isn’t that what we’re meant to do?”

“I guess it is.”

Britta took a deep breath.

“Okay, so that’s all you wanted to tell me?”

“Yeah.”

“Right then. Okay, so Christian wanted a chat once we were done to come up with a bit of a plan for what we say about you not racing this weekend. Are you alright to come through and talk about that?”

 

Seb nodded, taking in another deep breath and letting it out. Once he’d actually bitten the bullet that had turned so much easier than he had feared it might be. They both stood and went through to the lounge where they found Mark with Dr Phillips and Christian, currently making small talk about developments in the Endurance Championship. Mark leapt up as soon as he saw them enter, Seb giving him a nod to let him know everything was okay. Mark put his arm around him to give him a quick hug, then the pair of them sat down, ending up on the other sofa to normal as Dr Phillips and Christian occupied their usual spots while Britta took another chair to the side.

“Seb and I have had a chat about things,” began Britta, deciding it was best to press on. “So we’re all on the same page.”

“Good,” nodded Christian. “So we’re all clear this remains within these four walls.”

“Absolutely,” agreed Britta firmly.

Mark gave Seb a little smile as Seb looked out at them.

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem,” asserted Christian. “Now, as I mentioned when I arrived, I spoke to both Dietrich and Helmut yesterday so they’re aware that you won’t be racing in Bahrain and those who need to know within the team are making arrangements to cover that.”

Sebastian took in a breath and nodded.

“Not that you need to worry about it,” Christian added, “just know that I spoke to them only as we agreed and it’s all in hand.”

“Thank you, really. I am sorry to cause you so much work,” Seb apologised.

“It’s fine. Now, the wider team won’t actually be informed until I get out to Bahrain tomorrow and we will leave it until Thursday to put out a short press-release informing people generally.”

“A press release?”

“It’s just how it’s done Seb. Only a short one. Britta?”

He turned to look at her and Britta nodded, trying to think on her feet.

“What will it say?” Sebastian asked.

“Um, well, basically just that you aren’t competing this weekend. I think we will have to say due to medical reasons, but there’s no need to be too specific.”

“You think?”

“Yes. No one has a right to your medical information Seb.”

“Won’t they ask though?”

“They can ask all they like,” interjected Christian.

“Medical details are only ever given out with the approval of a driver or his next of kin,” Dr Phillips pointed out.

“Okay, but if we leave it vague won’t the press ask questions?”

 

Christian was tempted to note that the press did that no matter what, and a press release wasn’t going to make much difference, but Britta spoke up.

“We’ll put the release out, then I’ll speak to the media at the circuit.”

“Saying what?”

She huffed a long breath, thinking it through, then glancing to Christian.

“I suppose something along the lines of suggesting we are acting under medical advice that it’s wise to be cautious given you’ve had some continued symptoms.”

“As long as you don’t specify what those symptoms are,” warned Dr Phillips.

“Of course. I mean I don’t have to give them much for them to draw their own conclusions.”

“Isn’t that rather the problem?” wondered Mark.

“Well, yes and no.”

“I don’t want people thinking I’m not safe to drive,” argued Sebastian.

“You’ll have to be cleared by the FIA when you do come back Sebi,” commented Christian. “They’ll be declaring you fit to drive. Right Doc?”

“Right,” confirmed the doctor.

“But in the meantime?” worried Sebastian.

Britta shrugged.

“Doc you said that the scans were precautionary.”

“Yes, now of course I wasn’t initially aware of the other issues Sebastian had, but if I’m honest Seb I still would have wanted those tests run.”

“Because of my accident?”

“Well yes. You did lose consciousness and you were disorientated when you woke. Even if there’s no evidence you hit your head I would want to be clear that you didn’t suffer any form of concussion, however minor.”

Mark sighed.

“You don’t think he has though do you?”

“There’s no evidence to show he has, but no matter that we know the reason you passed out Seb, I would say an abundance of caution was wise. You could have suffered a blow to your head when you collapsed.”

“It was carpet,” argued Seb.

“I know, but even so. I think it’s no bad thing that you are taking a bit of time off and that we get at least a week of rest before you are cleared. Even putting other issues to one side I think that’s a good thing. We can be far too keen in F1 to rush things.”

“Ironically,” noted Christian.

“Just so,” agreed the doctor, “but it is an issue in the sport.”

 

Sebastian scrunched his nose, not entirely comfortable with all this.

“I don’t know.”

“Perhaps we could use that to put some substance in our statement,” argued Britta. “I’m not suggesting we say anything that is untrue, or that we include anything of too a personal nature that we have discussed, but I’m afraid it was fairly well-known that you passed out in Shanghai Seb. I don’t know how it got out, but we couldn't really deny it.”

“What did you say?”

“Just what was in the original statement, followed up by saying you definitely weren’t racing that weekend and had gone home to rest and for further tests.”

“Can’t we just put out an extension of that?” wondered Christian. “Doc you said you were concerned that Sebastian hadn’t suffered any compound problems from his accident.”

“Well yes.”

“So that’s not untrue is it? Seb, do you really have a problem with us mentioning that?”

 

Sebastian huffed a breath. It felt like misdirection, but if the doctor said it had been a concern then it wasn’t a lie. Just because Seb himself hadn’t been thinking about that aspect didn’t mean others hadn’t and he knew it had been a worry for Mark, even if only in the back of his mind. Even avoiding all media coverage, he knew there were bound to be stories about him having some ‘mystery illness’ and that felt worse than people harking back to 2015. He squished his face about for a moment, then looked to the doctor.

“All the scans and tests, they are checking for that stuff aren’t they? Anything like I had after I crashed.”

“Well yes, and ensuring there are no other issues,” confirmed the doctor.

“Okay, well I guess…” He turned to Mark. “Liebling what do you think?”

“I think you should concentrate on feeling better and not worry about all this.”

Seb gave him a look and Mark relented.

“Alright, fine, if this is what will satisfy them, then it doesn’t sound unreasonable.”

“It’s just an edited version of the truth,” asserted Christian. “Hardly the first time for a team’s press release.”

 

Mark huffed out a little laugh at that. Half-truths and obfuscations were certainly commonplace in the paddock.

Seb turned to Britta.

“We wouldn't be lying to anyone?”

“Of course not. Just not giving more than we need to. Look, why don’t I try knocking something together now so you could see what we’re thinking? Dr Phillips could you maybe help me so I include the correct medical terminology?”

“Certainly.”

“So you’d just be saying what?” checked Seb.

“That you passed out last week and we’re basically being super cautious running a bunch of tests and giving you some rest before clearing you to come back,” stated Britta. “That’s not wrong is it?”

“No I suppose not.”

 

Just then the baby monitor burst into life with the sound of Teddy crying. As Mark stood to go fetch him Britta was reaching for her bag.

“Seb would you mind if Dr Phillips and I borrowed your kitchen for ten minutes to see what we can stick together for a statement?” she requested.

“Of course.”

With a nod the doctor followed her out of the room and Seb was left alone with Christian who gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

“Once we’ve put the statement out we can just move on,” he asserted.

“Sure,” nodded Sebastian.

“You know how good Britta is at that stuff.”

Sebastian nodded again, then risked a question he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted an answer to.

“How did they take it? Dietrich and Helmut?”

Christian shrugged a shoulder.

“They accepted what I said. Dietrich asked me to pass on his best wishes and hopes you’ll be back racing soon.”

“Thanks,” replied Seb, noting only one of the two offered such a sentiment.

“I’m going to start speaking to more key members of the team this afternoon,” Christian informed him. “Just on the same basis, but we really do need to get things in motion.”

“Sure.”

“They won’t say anything Seb.”

“You’re only telling them I’m not racing, right?”

“Of course. Just the same message. Anyway, forgive me Seb but those I’m speaking to will be very much focussed on what needs adjusting in your absence rather than anything else.”

“That’s okay.”

“Not that they don’t care.”

“No I know they’ll have a lot to sort out,” accepted Sebastian. “You will apologise for me won’t you?”

“Of course. Don’t worry about the team though Sebi. I won’t say we won’t miss you, but we’ll just plod on with next weekend and you’ll be back before we know it.”

Sebastian gave him a smile and nodded. The team did their jobs no matter what. They were a pretty well-oiled machine and after five minutes of wondering what was going on with him, he guessed they’d just get on with things as usual.

 

The sound of crying had cut from the monitor, but now Seb heard the real thing approaching. Mark opened the lounge door bringing a still snivelling Teddy into the room. As he sat back on the sofa Sebastian leaned in to look at their son, stroking his cheek.

“What’s the matter Liebling?”

“Thinks he’s missing out I reckon,” commented Mark. “Hm? That it buddy?

Teddy grumbled and pouted, continuing to sound disgruntled.

“Wasn’t having me try to put him back down,” Mark reported.

“No well…” Seb looked to Teddy. “Done with napping now Schatz?”

“Here, I’ll go get him something, see if he’s peckish.”

Sebastian took Teddy and gave him a cuddle as Mark stood to go to the kitchen.

“Anyone want a cuppa?”

“I’m fine,” assured Christian.

“Sweetheart?”

“No I’m good.”

“Right, back in mo.”

 

He went through to the kitchen to find Britta and Dr Phillips sat at the kitchen table, hunched over a notebook as they discussed matters and Britta rapidly scribbled things down. The dogs who had been sat in their baskets amusing themselves with a couple of chew-toys jumped up, so Mark gave them a quick rub before sending them back. Britta looked over as Mark went to the fridge.

“Do you need in here?”

“Just grabbing Teddy a snack. You guys want anything?”

With more polite refusals, Mark assembled a snack and a cup of milk for his son and left them to it, returning to the lounge to find Sebastian and Christian now sat on the lounge floor with the toybox pulled over. Teddy was still sat on his father’s knee, but he seemed to be cheering up as his godfather attempted to entertain him by dancing his toy snowman in front of the little boy. Mark smiled at the sight, then brought things over.

“Grub’s up kiddo.”

 

Ten minutes later Teddy had eaten all he was going to and the plate and cup sat abandoned on the coffee table surrounded by mugs and bottles of water from earlier. The little boy was now sat on the floor playing more independently as his parents and Christian mostly sat watching. Seb was trying not to think about the discussion going on in the other room, or indeed about any of this.

Despite his efforts, thoughts of how the media were going to take his missing another race and the fuss they would make when he came back kept invading his mind, making his heart beat faster and an unpleasant queasiness swill in his stomach. It almost made him want to simply go and race just to avoid creating a problem. In the past Seb knew he would have forced himself to battle through no matter what. He knew Henry would say that suppressing his true emotions to do so had only ever made things worse though.

He wasn’t that person any more. As Seb watched his son playing he knew he had to think beyond not just next weekend, not even the weekend when he went back racing and faced the press with all their endless questions. He had to think of really getting better, finding a way to feel whole and safe and stable, capable of living a normal life so his family could have the future they deserved, him included.

“How’re you doing sweetheart?” asked Mark quietly as Teddy amused himself by playing catch with a squashy ball thrown by his Uncle Christian. “You alright?”

Sebastian gave him a slightly wan smile.

“I’ll be glad when it’s all sorted,” he confessed.

“Yeah.” Mark put his arm around him and gave him a little squeeze. “We’ll just get this done and dusted.”

Seb nodded and went back to watching Teddy play, comforted by seeing the chubby smile on his son’s face and his simple delight in being applauded for trying to catch and throw his ball. They just had to get this over and he could go back to filling his mind with nice family activities. Mark kept his arm around him thinking much the same; Quicker this was sorted the better. Even organising all this was stressful to Seb, Mark was sure. He read the tension in him, the hidden flurries of anxiety and worries about the future. That needed to stop as soon as possible so his husband could actually get that rest everyone advised.

As Christian collected a miss-thrown ball once more, he passed it back to Mark.

“I think I’ll just check how they’re getting on if you don’t mind?”

“Course mate,” nodded Mark.

Sebastian nodded too, knowing Christian was going to add his own opinions before the statement was brought through for his approval. They could just get on with it. As long as it said enough to occupy the media’s attention without giving any hint about what really lay at the heart of all this, Seb hardly cared any more.

 

Before too long the lounge door opened, Christian with Britta and Dr Phillips returning with their work. The adults sat on the sofas as Teddy continued to play, barely seeming to notice the rest as he investigated how well sewn on the ears of one of his teddy-bears were.

Mark and Seb kept half an eye on him to be sure the toddler didn’t actually tear it off, but as Britta began to explain that they had come up with what they thought might be acceptable, they were handed her notebook. Past a couple of pages of notes there was a neatly scribed hand-written version of a statement minus all the usual accompanying team details.

“It’s basically what we discussed plus a bit of medical speak,” she explained.

“Sure,” nodded Seb, already reading what they were presented with.

 

 _After being taken ill prior to the Chinese Grand Prix last weekend, RedBull Racing driver Sebastian Vettel-Webber suffered a loss of consciousness and was consequently taken to hospital_ _in Shanghai_ _where_ _a thorough and complete analysis of his condition was performed, involving CT and MRI scans as well as cardiac monitoring, all of which were completely normal._ _After staying overnight in hospital for observation it was recommended that Sebastian be flown home for further tests at his local hospital._

 _Whilst these tests have thankfully showed no signs of concussion or any other problems, medical recommendation is that a period of time is allowed due to the fact that symptoms can arise several days later. Also given the serious injuries Sebastian suffered in his accident of 2015 we are mindful of the need to minimise the possibility of further or delayed injuries surfacing as this is a well-known risk in athletes who have_ _previously_ _suffered severe concussions._

_Whilst doctors treating Sebastian have diagnosed no evidence of any neurological or cardiac problems, medical advice is to apply an abundance of caution in such cases and thus Sebastian has been advised to rest for the time-being._

_In order to provide complete confirmation that there are no areas of concern and to reduce any environmental risk factors, it has been recommended that due to the proximity of the upcoming Bahrain Grand Prix, Sebastian does participate in the weekend. He will be undergoing further evaluative observation and tests to confirm his health and once cleared will return to work as soon as possible._

_Sebastian is keen to resume racing, but has accepted his doctors’ recommendations and will therefore be resting at home with his family this weekend. RedBull Racing passes its best wishes to Sebastian for a rapid recovery and looks forward to him recommencing his valued role within the team as soon as he is passed fit by the FIA medical representatives, hopefully in time to participate in the Azerbaijan Grand Prix in Baku at the end of this month._

 

Britta gave them time to read and re-read the statement, only speaking when Seb looked to her.

“So it’s a bit wordy I know, but essentially it’s just saying we’re being cautious and you’re acting on medical advice to take a bit of time off.”

“Sure,” nodded Seb.

He looked to Mark who nodded, both of them knowing that all the medical jargon and long-winded sentences were a way of losing the reader in the subject to lead them to accept it was written by someone with greater knowledge than themselves. Seb could almost picture a couple of journalists in the media centre reading it and then shrugging at one another, mostly taking from it that Seb had been told by doctors to skip the race.

“They’re still going to wonder why I passed out in the first place,” he noted.

“That’s none of their business,” stated Mark firmly.

“I know, but they’ll ask.”

“I won’t be addressing it,” Britta asserted.

“What will you say?”

“I’ll just say you were unwell.”

“And?”

She shrugged slightly.

“I suppose I can say we didn’t know why and that was part of the reason doctors were checking.”

Sebastian sighed. They’d still want to dig around that.

“Seb I’m not going to tell them anything about what we have spoken of,” Britta assured him.

“No I know you won’t.”

“I’ll just say we’re being careful. They’ll drop it Seb. I promise. I’ll make sure they do.”

Taking a deep breath, Sebastian could only nod acceptance. Britta had her ways. Perhaps all this was a bit of slight of hand to redirect the paddock press’s attention, but so long as they looked the way Britta made them look, that had to be good enough.

 

“People do just get ill Sebi,” commented Christian. “Especially by the end of the fly-away season when the paddock’s been cramped together for a month in airports and hotels and planes, sharing germs and getting jet-lagged.”

“Very common for people to get rundown or catch bugs going about in those circumstances,” added the doctor sagely.

Sebastian looked to Mark who shrugged. If the team were going to let people make those kind of assumptions it might not be entirely honest, but it was better than telling them what really was at the root of this.

“You’re not actually going to say it’s that though?” Seb checked.

Britta could see him still fretting.

“I will keep it very simple Seb; You weren’t well, we’re being very careful to make sure you are definitely okay, then you’ll be back.”

“Best to keep it simple with that lot anyway,” joked Christian.

Seb gave him a half smile as Mark squeezed him in.

“Be alright, yeah?” prompted Mark.

“Yeah. Okay, thank you. Britta, Doc.”

 

They handed the notebook back and Britta glanced it over one more time.

“I’ll have to polish it up and run it past the PR team but I’ll do that this afternoon and ring you,” she informed them. “I shouldn’t think we need to alter it much other than adding the usual official bits.”

Seb nodded once more and Mark sat forwards a little.

“Okay, so we’re done, right? We don’t need to sort anything else do we?”

Christian looked to his other two colleagues, then nodded.

“No we’re done. We’ll speak this afternoon to finalise things then we can all just get on with what we need to be doing.”

 

With that everyone was getting up and making ready to leave. Mark lifted Teddy up as the doctor got another quick word with Seb to check that he was feeling okay and let him know he would call occasionally to see how he was doing. Seb nodded along, only really wanting to be left in peace. As they finally saw them off from the doorstep Mark succeeded in holding Teddy up with one arm as he put the other round Sebastian. He felt the tension in his body subside the moment the cars left the drive and it made Mark want to sigh.

“Okay sweetheart, done now. Just put it out of your mind.”

Sebastian nodded, wishing that all this really was that simple. They stepped back inside and shut the door, Mark hitching Teddy higher as he looked to Seb, trying to judge how he was from his expression. Turning a little so as not to squash their son, Mark leaned in to give Sebastian a hug, feeling how hard his heart was beating yet again as he did so. As he lifted away, Mark took his hand.

“It’s gonna be okay. Alright? I promise this is all going to work out.”

Seb huffed a dry laugh at such confident words.

“You’re just going to make it be okay?”

“No darling. I have faith you will.”

That drew a pout from Seb, but Mark was insistent.

“You will. No matter how hard the road, no matter what we face, you get through it.” He looked to Teddy. “Nobody is braver or stronger than your papa.”

Seb wanted to pout more at that.

“I don’t really feel it right now,” he admitted.

“I know,” accepted Mark softly, “but you are.”

He picked up Seb’s wrist and gently turned it, lifting it to his mouth to kiss where the fish tattoo was. As he lowered it down Seb nodded, knowing what he was telling him. Teddy was watching them, so Sebastian smiled at him.

 

“I could do with some fresh air Teddybär.” He looked to Mark. “Could we go for a walk do you think, just through the fields and stuff to clear my head?”

“My head too sweetheart. Yep, sounds good.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Nah, I’m just trying to get in Shadow and Simba’s good books by spoiling them.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh. At least part of their family were happy to have them home like this.

 

 

Twenty minutes later they were tramping along the footpaths, Teddy happily strapped to Mark’s back, amusing himself by laughing at the dogs running back and forth and occasionally reaching round to prod his father's cheek just in case he had forgotten he was there. It didn’t bother Mark. He was holding Seb’s hand, giving it the odd light squeeze in place of too much conversation. Seb squeezed it back.

By the time they had gone to sit at the top of the hill Seb was feeling in a far better place, metaphorically as well as literally. Up here they had a clear view across the open countryside. There were some clouds in the sky, but enough blue was on show to lift their spirits and though in April it wasn’t warm as such, the wind wasn’t too cold. The air felt cleansing in his lungs, the scenery calming and familiar.

Mark had Teddy sat on his lap, the dogs making their own fun as they snuffled after something in the undergrowth. As Sebastian rested his head down on his shoulder Mark turned his head to kiss his nose, knowing it nearly always drew a smile and glad that it did now.

“Go back in a bit, get some lunch?” he proposed.

“Sure. In a bit,” agreed Seb.

Mark nodded. Bit more time needed.

 

 

 

Britta had thought to text the finished statement document over ahead of calling them that afternoon. Teddy was down for his post-lunch nap so Seb and Mark had time to look it over before they called her back to sign off on it. They knew Christian would want to call at the end of the day seeing as he would be leaving the following morning, but for now it felt as though matters were largely resolved. As they hung up Mark put his hand over Seb’s where it rested on the table.

“Okay?” he checked.

Seb nodded.

“I know they’ll still ask questions and stuff when I go back.”

“Forget that for now.”

“Yeah I guess.”

Mark thought how Britta had suggested that to make it easier for Seb, she could take charge of passing on his room number and race weekend schedule to Dr Phillips.

“So you’re okay with Britta giving your details to the doc when you’re away?” he checked.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I guess seeing as she has them already.”

“Mm. You’re alright with it though?”

Seb nodded. It had been hard to talk to Dr Phillips, but now that he had, Seb did feel confident that he could trust him. Though their relationship wasn’t always comfortable, Sebastian didn’t doubt that the doctor had good intentions and his actions over the past couple of days had only proved that. It did feel as though he had his best interests at heart.

“He’ll only need it if I call.”

“Sure.”

“I guess he’s hardly the only one who has those details anyway, Britta does obviously and I think Christian and logistics must too.”

“Yes I suppose that’s true,” Mark concurred, not wanting to make Seb concerned about it. “Anyway it’s just so he doesn’t worry. Not gonna need it is he?”

“No.”

“No,” echoed Mark. He rubbed over Seb’s hand. “Right sweetheart, let’s forget all that for now. Do you fancy a cuppa?”

“If you’re making it.”

Mark nodded and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“Course.”

As much ordinary life as possible, that was what they needed right now.

 

 

 

It was after Christian rang shortly before dinner that Seb realised he had better call his family to let them know he wouldn't be racing on the upcoming weekend. He felt a bit guilty that he hadn’t told them already, but his mind had been so focussed on dealing with speaking to others that Seb hadn’t actually thought about it.

“Do you want to call them now?” enquired Mark.

“Um.” Seb looked at Teddy already sat in his high-chair seeing as they had been about to start cooking when Christian called. “After dinner I think. Teddy’ll be hungry.”

“Righto.”

 

Mark nearly suggested that they wait until they had put Teddy to bed before making the call, but when Seb started getting the iPad out after dinner to make a Skype call he guessed that having their son around as a distraction for his grandparents was rather part of Seb’s plan.

 

“Well doesn’t he look lovely?” beamed his mother as Mark held Teddy to stand on his knee to show off his dinosaur outfit that their little boy had been just as keen to wear again this afternoon as his parents had been.

“Survived dinner and everything,” smiled Mark as he sat him back down.

“Mark bought it,” Seb informed them.

“Very nice.”

“You look a bit better Seb,” observed his father.

“Do I?”

“Mm.”

Sebastian could see a glance exchanged between his parents. He still didn’t quite know how to tell them.

“We were outside getting some fresh air this afternoon,” he commented.

“Were you dear?” replied his mother. “It’s been quite cold here.”

“We had some sun.”

“Oh, very good.”

Mark looked to Seb, thinking both sides of the conversation seemed to be avoiding things.

“Did us good, didn’t it sweetheart,” he added lightly.

“Yeah.”

“So how are you doing then Seb?” asked his mother. “Are you feeling better?”

“Um, a bit.”

 

Sebastian looked to Mark, wondering how you explained this without explaining why he might be okay now and still dread waking in the night. Even speaking to his parents was making him anxious. Seb knew it was unfair to blame them, but his heart was ramping up, his brain tangling with fears he might accidentally say too much and guilt he was keeping things from them.

Out of shot Mark’s knee was now pressed into Seb’s and Seb pressed back. He could see his mother was about to say something else, so before she could, he leapt in.

“So um, thing is I’m meant to be in Bahrain next weekend.”

“For the race?”

In his head Sebastian wanted to shake his head; Yes Mum, _obviously_ for the race. I wasn’t just gonna swing by the middle-east for the heck of it.

“Yeah, so we’ve spoken to Christian, he came over actually, and we decided I’m not going to go. I’m going to take a bit more time before I go back.”

“You’re not racing?” frowned his father.

“Just this weekend. It’s just too soon.”

“I thought you said you were doing better?”

Seb instinctively looked to Mark, before answering.

“I am, but…”

“It’s just a bit too soon,” Mark reinforced. “The doc agrees doesn’t he darling? Better to just leave it a while longer to be sure.”

“The doctor? Which doctor?”

Mark felt a bit guilty for adding that detail, but Seb seemed to steel himself to answer.

“The team doctor. Dr Phillips. You know him.”

Sebastian hadn’t meant to emphasise that his parents had spent time with RedBull's team doctor when he had had his accident, but he saw something change in their expression.

“Is it that bad?” asked Norbert.

“He just thought it was best.”

“Just to be on the safe side,” contributed Mark.

“Of course you should be safe,” agreed Heike with a firm look to her husband. “He passed out. Of course he shouldn’t be right back in the car again. Much more sensible to take his time.”

“It’s just because it’s so soon,” Seb insisted.

“Right, well…” Norbert nodded. “I’m sure the doctor knows best. What did Christian say?”

“He thinks it’s best too. He was really supportive Dad.”

“And why shouldn’t he be?” argued Heike. “Of course he should support you. You were in hospital less than a week ago. I’m still surprised they let you out so quickly.”

Sebastian hid a sigh.

“I wanted to come home Mum.”

“Hmm. You do still look a bit pale.”

 

Seb caught Mark’s eye and both knew that another time they might have smiled at her changing her tune so quickly when only minutes earlier they had been telling Seb he looked better.

“Perhaps I should come over?”

“Oh Mum, no you don’t need to,” protested Sebastian.

“It’s no trouble. It’s not like I’ve got Fabian to look after now he’s away at university.”

Seb knew he had to stop this in its tracks.

“Mum it’s really kind of you, but I just need a bit of peace and quiet.”

“I could come and look after Teddy.”

“Mark’s here Mum, we’re okay. I’m just taking a little bit of time off, that’s all.”

“It’s very thoughtful of you Heike,” Mark added.

“I only want to help.”

“I know you do Mum,” Seb replied, trying not to let himself get upset at rejecting his mother’s offer. “It’s really kind of you. It’s just…”

Mark filled the pause before she could.

“We just need a bit of quiet time, don’t we sweetheart?”

“Yeah.”

“Well…” Heike was the one getting looks from her husband now. She sighed, looking to her grandson, then her son. “I suppose if that’s what’s best for you.”

“We really appreciate you offering,” Mark assured her.

“Maybe we could come to see you,” offered Seb. “Some time next month perhaps?”

“Oh now that’s a good idea,” Mark picked up, “we could sort out when you’re going to come and look after Teddy when I’ve got to get to Le Mans and Seb’s in Canada. I mean, assuming you’re still okay to do that?”

“Of course. I’m looking forward to it,” assured Heike, distracted as they intended. “I think we might both come if that’s alright?”

“Course it’s alright, isn’t it darling?”

“Yeah course. It’s very kind of you. Such a big help Mum.”

“I only ever want to help dear.”

“I know.”

 

Seb thought he did well not to tear up at that. It was a good thing he hadn’t had video calls a few years back or he would never have got through them.

“You are alright aren’t you Seb?” worried his mother.

“I just need a bit of time at home.”

“Yes. Yes of course you do. You work far too hard Seb. I’ve always said it, haven’t I Norbert?”

“Mm. So the doctor didn’t say anything else then? He just said you needed some time off?”

“He said he thought it was best. Just to be on the safe side.”

“Well I suppose he knows best,” accepted Norbert.

“Of course he does,” asserted Heike. “Its a good job someone at that team is looking out for you.”

“Christian agreed to it too Mum.”

“Hm, well, good.”

“It’s just one race.”

Neither parent commented that this was on top of missing the race on the weekend just gone.

“Bit of time off and we’ll be right as rain again won’t we sweetheart?”

 

Seb nodded, then as Teddy started to wriggle about he made their excuses to end the call, telling his parents they needed to get him ready for bed.

“We’ll ring again,” he promised.

“Of course, do you want us to let the others know?” asked his father.

“No I’ll call them.”

“Right you are then. Take care.”

“Yes get some rest,” added his mother.

“Will do.”

“It’s good to speak to you,” Mark contributed. “Say bye to Oma und Opa Teddy.”

“Bye Teddy dear,” waved Heike, Norbert joining in.

“Bye,” waved Mark and Seb, looking to their son to get him to copy them.

Teddy looked up at his parents, then back at the screen as they were. He waved his hand.

“Bye.”

 

Feeling that they were at least ending the call on a positive note, Seb hung up, Mark leaning in to kiss the top of Teddy’s head.

“Good boy,” he praised, then looked to Seb. “You want me to get him ready for bed while you call you brother and sisters or shall we do that after he’s down?”

“Um…” Seb paused, wondering if it was just best to get it over while he was on a roll. “Yeah I think I’ll do it now.”

“Sure.”

“You okay on your own?”

“Yeah that’s okay. Wait for me before you put him down to sleep won’t you though? I won’t be too long.”

“Course. Right then kiddo, let’s go get you some nice warm milk to make you feel all sleepy-bo-bos.”

Mark gave Seb a kiss on the cheek, then Teddy amused them both by attempting to copy him by mashing his face into the side of Seb’s.

“Thank you Lieblinge.”

“Be alright, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark gave him a nod, then left him to it, taking the warm milk for Teddy up to the nursery with them to give it to him there.

 

 

By the time Seb came up to find them Mark was already had Teddy in his pyjamas and was reading him his bedtime story. He came and perched on the window ledge near them.

“We need another chair in here.”

Mark nodded to the tiny wooden ones at Teddy’s play table and Seb huffed a little laugh.

“I’m not that short.”

“No. Guess not. Perhaps we should get some beanbags or something?”

“Mm.”

“How was it?” Mark checked. “Were they okay?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark reached a hand to place on his knee.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Has he cleaned his teeth?”

Mark laughed at the notion their son really played any part in that activity beyond squirming and trying to pull away.

“Yep, toothy-pegs all clean and nice aren’t they mate?”

“Dada,” complained Teddy, patting at the neglected book in his hand.

“Ah, yes, sorry where were we?”

 

Mark re-arranged the story-book, holding it so they all could see.

“ _Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare down in his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him goodnight.”_

Doing just that, Mark made sure Teddy was likewise lying a little further back in his arms.

“ _Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile – I love you right up to the moon, and back.”_

Sebastian let out a little sigh as Mark finished, loving the way he read so tenderly to their son. Teddy seemed to like it too, pawing at the pictures.

“Dada.”

“No darling, done now. Bedtime.”

Teddy pouted but Mark shook his head. Seb helped by lifting the book away so Mark could stand, carrying Teddy over to the cot. Mark gave the little boy another kiss on his forehead, Seb doing the same before he laid him down. He stroked a hand over his hair then tucked the blanket over him.

“We love you to the moon and back kiddo, Papa and I, all the way there and back again.”

“Yeah,” Seb sighed beside him.

Mark put his arm around Seb as they looked down at their son. Teddy tried reaching up, but they could tell he really was tired when he wasn’t attempting to stand to get closer to them.

“Sleep now Teddy,” Mark instructed.

“We’ll see you in the morning Schatz.”

 

 

Once they were downstairs in the lounge again, Mark thought he should check again that Seb’s other phonecalls had gone okay.

“So they were alright then, Fabe and your sisters?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Stef and Mel, to be honest I’m not sure they really appreciate what it means to miss a race anyway,” he explained. “They both just said it sounded better to leave it a while before going back.”

“Right, well they’re more interested in you being okay darling.”

“I know.”

“What about your brother?”

“Yeah. I dunno. I was on longer with him.”

“Uh-huh, so what did he say?”

“He just kept asking what was wrong.” Sebastian sighed. “I feel bad lying to him.”

“Did you actually do that, or did you just not tell him everything?” argued Mark.

“Feels like lying.”

“So you didn’t then. You’re just feeling guilty not telling him more.”

“I guess.”

“Do you want to tell him more?”

 

Sebastian shook his head, so Mark put his arm around him.

“Sweetheart don’t torture yourself over this. Your family just want you to be okay. They ask questions because they care, not because they want to interrogate you.”

“I know. I just feel bad about it.”

Mark sighed. Always something extra for Seb to worry about.

“Don’t darling. Don’t make things worse for yourself. If you want to explain more to them then that’s your choice, but you don’t have to tell anyone anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

“I just feel bad.”

Seb pouted and looked down, feeling more on the verge of tears now.

“Oh sweetheart. Don’t.”

“I can’t help it.”

Mark rubbed over his arm.

“I know. But you don’t need to feel guilty. What was Fabe asking?”

“He just… He was just asking if it was that bad that I should miss another race.”

“Right, because he’s concerned about you.”

“Yeah but that’s why I feel so horrible about it.”

“What did you tell him?”

“The same as Mum and Dad. I just need more time.”

“Which you do darling. That’s not untrue is it?”

“I spose. I started telling him I’d have more tests to be cleared to go back, but then he just started worrying about that.”

 

Mark nodded, knowing why Fabian would be alarmed by that. He couldn't help but think back to when they arrived at the Vettel’s home after Seb’s accident and how his little brother had cried when he hugged Mark. He understood how it felt to carry such fears.

“Did you explain that they’re just a precaution?”

“I tried. I think he’d got the idea in his head by then and he was already worried.”

Mark nodded, thinking that didn’t sound wildly dissimilar to Seb when he got carried away by something he was fretting about.

“Well, do you want me to text him, just reassure him that I’m not worried about those tests? Might make him feel a bit better to know that?” Mark offered.

“Do you think that would help?”

“Couldn’t hurt. Might be handy is it’s on his mind so he can just look and be reassured.”

Sebastian nodded, thinking how he found it comforting to have things to remind him to step back away from his own mind spinning up on subjects.

“Thanks.”

“No worries. Right...”

Mark pulled his phone out to write a text, showing it to Seb once he had composed it.

 

MARK: Hey, listen mate don’t be worrying about these scans & stuff your brother’s had. They’ve all been totally clear. They’re just to make certain everything’s fine with him & to reassure the team & FIA so he can go back racing after this weekend.

“That alright?” he asked Seb.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Mark nodded and pressed send. Moments later getting a reply.

FABIAN: You’re really not worried?

Sebastian sighed as he read that, knowing it meant his brother _was_ worrying.

“Do you want to give him another quick ring and I’ll talk to him too?” Mark proposed.

“Um, yeah I think so.”

“Right then.”

 

Sebastian took a deep breath, then got his phone out to call his brother back. It only rang once before it was picked up which he knew meant Fabian had been waiting for a reply.

“Hey Fabe.”

“Hi.”

“Mark’s here,” Seb informed him.

“Hey mate how’re you doing?” Mark greeted.

“Um, you know, okay.”

“Right. Fabe, don’t be fretting about these scans Seb’s having,” instructed Mark firmly. “They’re just precautionary. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“It’s just standard stuff in F1. I know it might seem scary, but they’re just to show us there’s nothing to worry about.”

“They haven’t shown anything,” Seb added.

There was a pause, then Fabian clearly decided to say what was on his mind.

“So why are they doing them then?”

“Because, well, just to be sure.”

“Is it because of your accident?”

Seb looked to Mark, concerned he might be misleading his brother.

“I guess that’s why they’re double-checking.”

“Okay.”

Fabian sounded unconvinced, so Mark stepped in, knowing Seb was going to tie himself in knots finding a way to explain this without actually telling his brother the full story.

“Listen Fabe I get it mate. I’m not gonna pretend it doesn’t make me nervous when he’s had to have these checks, but it is actually really reassuring to see they’re all clear.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I guess I have the advantage cos I’ve been there when the docs have told us that.”

“Mm, I guess that’s it,” Fabian agreed.

“Exactly, but I promise you they have been fine, okay Fabe? Totally nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Okay.”

 

Both of them heard the relief in Fabian’s voice this time and Seb couldn't help wondering why his brother accepted it from Mark more than him. Then again, Mark had something in his tone of voice that Seb himself relied on to reassure him, so he couldn't be too surprised that it had the same affect on his little brother.

“So you’re alright, yeah Fabe?” checked Mark.

“Yes, thanks. Sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

“The doctors just said I should have a rest,” Seb explained again. “Bahrain’s just so close you see.”

“Right, okay well… yeah I suppose it’s only a few days away.”

“Exactly.”

Sebastian thought they were about to be able to end the call when his brother launched in with a question he had been holding back.

“Seb.”

“Yeah?”

“If the scans show nothing wrong why did you pass out in China?”

Mark saw the way Seb froze at that and was glad he hadn’t suggested they make this a Facetime call as well. He took hold of Seb’s hand and squeezed it.

“He just felt unwell when we got there mate,” he stated.

“But…” Fabian paused. “Did it just come on really quickly?”

“Yeah,” Seb agreed, finding his voice.

“So you just felt really ill all of a sudden?”

“Yeah and, I just… it got too much.”

“And you passed out?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. God, sorry Seb.”

“It’s okay.”

“He’s gonna be fine Fabe,” Mark assured. “Docs just reckon a bit of a rest.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“You don’t need to worry,” asserted Sebastian.

“Alright, sorry,” Fabian replied, knowing it must have been obvious that he had been. “Okay well I suppose it’s just bad luck the race is next weekend.”

“I’ll be back for the one after,” Seb insisted, trying to sound as positive as he could.

“Yeah. Okay so is Teddy in bed now?”

 

Mark gave Seb’s hand a little rub, both knowing that if Fabian was changing the subject it meant he was satisfied.

“Oh, yeah sorry.”

“That’s alright, I just wondered.”

“Why don’t you give us a ring in the day sometime?” proposed Mark. “Then he can say hello to you?”

“Yeah I’d like that. When I’ve not got lectures and stuff.”

“Exactly.”

“And I said to Mum we’d try and arrange a visit it next month,” Seb added, so if I send some dates might you be able to come over?”

“Oh yeah definitely.”

“Great.”

“There we go then,” Mark asserted. “We’ll sort that out.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem mate, be good to see you. Teddy misses his Onkel Fabe.”

“Aw me too. Yeah I’ll make sure I can come.”

“Brilliant. There we go then.”

“It’ll be really nice to see you,” Seb added.

“You too.”

“We’ll get our diaries out,” Mark assured.

“Yep just text or something and I’ll check.”

“Sure.”

 

With that they were rounding up and ending the call. Seb sitting back on the sofa, Mark’s arm still around him.

“Feel better?” Mark checked.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah.”

“So, best we called yeah?”

“Yes of course. I mean I don’t want him worrying.”

“Exactly.”

“I still feel like… I dunno, it still feels like I’m not being honest.”

“Darling no. Look, we told him you suddenly felt unwell when we got out there. What part of that is untrue?”

Sebastian frowned, trying to think it through.

“I spose.”

Mark hugged him in a little and kissed his temple.

“I just always end up feeling bad about my family,” Seb admitted.

“Ah Seb.”

“I do though. And my Mum, I just feel so bad rejecting her like that.”

Mark wanted to sigh, but he was glad he hadn’t when he saw how tight Seb’s face went.

“Sweetheart.”

“All she’s doing is offering to help and I know it hurts her when I turn her down. I must seem so ungrateful.”

“Seb she understands.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. She hardly ever sees Teddy and I keep pushing her away. It’s not fair.”

“Darling we’ve said we’ll go see them.”

“I just can’t stand hurting her.”

“Seb.”

Mark did sigh this time as a tear crept out and Sebastian was shaking his head, trying to wipe at his eyes.

 

“You need a bit of time at home and no stress. It’s okay to get that. You don’t want to be having to look after guests and worrying about all that.”

“She just wants to help.”

“I know, but...”

“And all I do is reject her. She’s trying to help and I know she’s worrying about me and I just… I just...”

Seb really was crying now, Mark searching for a tissue to give him.

“Darling she’d hate it if she knew this was upsetting you. The last thing your mum would want is for it to make you cry like this.”

“That’s what makes me cry.”

 

Mark shook his head and pulled Seb into a hug. Seb stayed into him, but as he rested his head on Mark’s shoulder, he looked up at him.

“I think she knows I’m not telling her everything. I think she’s always known.”

“Darling parents worry, that’s what they do.”

“Yeah but the way she looks at me. I feel like… I don’t know.”

“You feel guilty.”

“Yeah.”

“She just wants you to be well darling. She wouldn't want you tying yourself up in knots and fretting like this. She loves you.”

Mark felt bad as Seb only cried more at that.

“Ah sweetheart, I know it’s hard.”

“I can’t tell her.”

“I know.”

“It’d break her heart. She’d never forgive herself. I know she loves me, but she, she’d blame herself and I can’t do that to her.”

As Seb sniffed and wiped at his eyes Mark dipped his head in lower so they could see one another better.

“She loves you and you love her. That’s why you can’t tell her, because you can’t hurt her.”

Sebastian nodded.

“And yet you feel guilty about it,” Mark continued. “Ah sweetheart. I know it’s tough, but you know in your heart that you’re trying to protect her. That’s not something to feel guilty about.”

Closing his eyes, Seb pressed in more to Mark who spoke as softly as he could to comfort him.

“Don’t feel guilty. Don’t add more weight. What your mum really wants above everything is for you to be okay, for you to be happy.”

He felt Sebastian take in a deeper breath, then let it out slowly.

“We’re meant to be taking weight off,” Mark insisted, “making worries go away, not adding to them. That’s what your mum would want. That’s what we all want.”

“I know,” replied Seb quietly.

Mark reached up a hand to smooth over Seb’s hair.

“Let the worries go darling, let yourself feel lighter. You’ll feel better for it.”

 

Seb stayed into him, so Mark just held him in for a while, waiting until Seb lifted up a little to look at him. He could still see troubles there and Mark didn’t want them lingering, only increasing the chances of another bad night. He tried to think what might alleviate things to help lift his husband’s spirits.

“What do you want to do this evening? Hm? Anything you fancy?” he enquired.

Getting a shrug in reply Mark made a few suggestions that sprang to mind.

“You wanna go for a soak in the bath? Watch something nice on TV?”

He was about to suggest an early night, but then it occurred to Mark that rushing into that was probably a bad idea. Better to try to work on improving things before they went to bed. He glanced towards the shelves of DVDs, wondering if a film might be good, then his eyes lit on the fireplace.

“You know what, it’s pretty chilly tonight,” he commented, “clear skies earlier and all that. What say we light the fire, make it all cosy and snug in here?”

Seb looked over to the fire as well. It wasn’t especially cold, but that wasa nice idea.

“Yeah okay Liebling. That sounds good.”

Mark smiled, pleased to get a positive response.

“Great.”

He gave Seb a peck of a kiss, then stood to sort that out. Luckily they had wood piled on the grate already so all Mark had to do was add some scrunched up old newspaper from the side to help get it going. He reached for the small packet of matches kept hidden behind one of the photo-frames on top of the mantelpiece and struck a light to set the paper alight in a couple of places, blowing on it to fan the flames until it took. Once the fire was going, Mark automatically put the fireguard back in front despite Teddy being safely in his cot upstairs. As he stood to put the matches back high out of their son’s reach, Mark rearranged the photo-frame, then an idea struck him.

 

Sitting back down with Seb, Mark gave him a smile.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“No bother. Actually I’ve had a thought.”

Normally Seb would tease him by joking how dangerous that usually was, but this time Seb merely nodded.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I was thinking, we’ve got so many photos on our phones now. We should upload them onto the laptop.”

“Oh yeah I keep meaning to.”

“Mm, but what I was thinking was we’ve got some really nice ones, especially from over the break. We should get more of them printed up and framed, not just on the fireplace, but get some bigger ones to go around the house to cheer the place up.”

Seb looked at him, knowing it wasn’t just the house that needed cheering up. He had told Mark about Dr Menton’s advice to use reflecting on pictures of their family to help remind him how good his life was now. Being surrounded by evidence of that had to be positive.

“You mean like for all over?”

“Yeah, wherever we like. In here, on the landing, the dining room’s got that big empty wall in there we could brighten up. Pretty sure you can even get little magnet ones to go on the fridge.”

Sebastian smiled at Mark wanting to really fill the place with pictures.

“We have got some nice ones of Teddy at Christmas,” he agreed.

“Gorgeous ones. We could do a whole series of him in those costumes. And when we went to see our folks. Actually we could send them some as well. Do it as a little surprise and just get them sent direct from that online place we’ve used before. Whatcha think?”

 

Sebastian nodded. He knew exactly what Mark was up to, but how could he feel anything other than gratified that he wanted to make him feel better? It would make his mother happier to have more photos of Teddy as well, which of course Seb knew was intended to help him feel less guilty about her.

“I think it’s a really good idea Liebling. Mum’s always saying she’d like more pictures.”

“Mine too.”

“Did you mean to do it now?”

“Only if you want.”

“Yeah. Yeah okay I’d like that.”

“Excellent. Shall I make us a nice cuppa and grab the laptop so we can get cracking?”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“I’ll get the laptop.”

“Righto.”

“Thank you.”

Sebastian leaned in to kiss Mark’s cheek.

“I love you.”

Mark smiled.

“Love you too darling.”

 

Mark brought the dogs back through with him to find Seb already set up with the laptop, plugging in the cable to upload all the pictures from their phones.

“Already on the case?”

“Just getting it ready.”

Mark nodded and sat with him, setting their mugs of tea to the side on the coffee-table. They uploaded all the photos from one phone then the other, Mark letting Seb organise them into files as he saw fit. That done they started going through them properly, looking through the pictures to select the best to put into another file of ones they were going to send to be printed.

As they looked at the pictures it was impossible not to be taken back to those brighter times, Seb smiling as Mark reminded him of the things they’d got up to.

“Do you remember how much he jumped at the lions roaring?” he asked as they found some from their zoo trip.

“Ha, yeah.”

Mark gave Shadow and Simba sat by their feet a rub.

“Don’t think you’d have liked that either boys.”

“I always miss them when we’re away,” admitted Seb.

“Yeah, me too sweetheart. Ah well.”

Sebastian leaned more into Mark as he flicked through more of the photographs taken in Australia. They definitely wanted a couple from Teddy’s first birthday enlarged and printed up and there were so many to choose from with Mark’s family, some of which they could send back to them. There were those nice Christmassy ones from their stay with Seb’s family in December as well. Sebastian knew his mother would appreciate a couple of those printed and framed. As they moved on they picked out some more from earlier last year as well, some lovely ones from their barbecue in the summer and a couple more from when Teddy had been really tiny.

“We should give a couple to Pauline as well,” Seb decided. “She’d love that.”

“She would,” concurred Mark. “That one from when we built the snowman, that’s a good one where he’s smiling and the one of you holding him on the sledge.”

Seb nodded.

“Oh and Christmas Day.”

Mark clicked into that series of photos to find the best.

“Ah here we go. Little puddin’ by the tree.”

 

Sebastian sighed at the sight of their son all dressed up surrounded by presents. It almost surprised him to see how much younger he looked only a couple of months back. As they went through them again, talking about who should have which ones and which pictures would work better enlarged to go on the walls, he found himself relaxing more and more. The room was warm, the light from the fire in front of them flickered gently, the curtains were drawn and the world outside their bubble felt closed off.

Even narrowing it down it was still hard to pick which photographs they should get printed. They ended up pulling in older ones from past holidays, their wedding, times with friends and family.

“I like the one with us in front of the castle,” commented Seb.

“In Edinburgh.”

“Yep.”

Mark re-found it and added it to the list, then chuckled.

“They’re gonna have their work cut out at the printers.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“We could leave off sending them off and go through them again tomorrow. Make a final selection when we’ve slept on it.”

Mark nodded.

“Yeah alright. As you like darling. Probably wise before we order enough to plaster the entire house.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and rested his head on Mark’s shoulder.

“That doesn’t sound so bad, but it’d give Pauline a lot of dusting to do.”

“True, gotta think of Pauline. Well there we go, we’ve whittled it down a bit anyway.”

“Yeah.”

 

Sebastian let out a long breath, then angled his head to look up at Mark.

“You’re a good man, do you know that Mark Vettel-Webber?”

“Oh I don’t know about that.”

“I do.”

Mark just gave him a smile and flipped the laptop closed, their ‘work’ done for the evening. As they settled back on the sofa Seb fitted his arm around Mark’s front and Mark squeezed him in. He knew that all you had to do was scratch the surface and Seb was hurt, but they had to do all they could to help him heal.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the slow update. Had a bad cough all week & seeing the doctor this morning, apparently I have a chest infection, hence feeling so rubbish. Anyways, here we are. Weekend at least now.


	261. Worries

 

* * *

  


It was a relief to have things settled and be able to shut off thinking about racing and indeed that whole world for a while and simply concentrate on family life. Unfortunately though that meant things were generally improved in the day time, that didn’t mean Seb didn’t still wake in the night, heart pounding, skin sweating and his head spinning as he fought to breathe. It didn’t mean Seb didn’t end up seeking refuge in Mark’s arms as they lay there in bed, trying to hide from the threats lurking in his own mind. It didn’t mean he wasn’t left screaming at himself internally to just stop it. Stop it. _Stop_. Stop going there. Stop letting those doors open. Stop letting it come back. Stop stop stop stop _STOP_ , whirling in his brain until it blurred out the rest enough to give a tiny bit of peace and he fell asleep, face buried in Mark’s chest, the bedside light still on, Mark staying awake until Sebastian finally dropped off. Until the next time.

But they did slowly lessen. They did grow farther apart. Then, finally, on the Saturday night into Sunday when Seb ought to have been anticipating a race the next day, he finally slept right the way through with no discernible dreams to trouble him. Nothing but blissful, blank peacefulness that Sebastian had been longing for. Luckily Teddy had also favoured them with a full night’s sleep and thus both Seb and Mark were able to get the rest they had been needing for ten days now.

  


Mark was almost surprised when he woke to see sunlight leaking into their bedroom around the edges of the curtains telling him that dawn was upon them. He sat up slightly to check the time, looking twice to see that it really was gone six in the morning. That done he leant on his side to observe Seb sleeping beside him. He looked peaceful. It was tempting to stroke over that nicely mussed up bed hair lying tousled on the pillow, but Mark resisted, not wanting to wake Seb. Instead he rested back down still facing him and let out a long sigh. After another hospital visit yesterday Mark had half expected more trouble, but it seemed Dr Roberts had been sufficiently reassuring for Seb to feel calmed.

As he watched him sleeping, Mark wondered when his husband had shifted away during the night seeing as they had fallen asleep wrapped up in each other. That was fairly normal during normal times, but since China Sebastian had only felt safe sleeping held in his arms. Mark hoped this was sign he was feeling more secure, not that Seb had moved whilst dreaming and he had failed to notice. He had to trust that if there had been any problems Seb would have woken him. It crossed Mark’s mind that if Seb had been anticipating the race due that Sunday, then he probably wouldn't have slept so well. It had to be for the best that he was home, getting this break that he needed.

Mark turned his head to listen carefully to the baby-monitor so he could pick up the faint sound of their son also sleeping. Both were fine. It almost felt so unusual that Mark was a little thrown by it, but as he settled back to face Sebastian he told himself to simply be grateful.

  


After a few minutes he sat up for a drink of water, then as he lowered back, Seb’s eyes fluttered, then slowly opened.

“Hey,” Mark whispered.

Sebastian blinked, then rubbed at his face to rouse himself.

“You okay?” checked Mark.

“Mm, yeah.”

“Good.”

Mark leaned in to give him a kiss, then shifted closer to put his arms around him, smiling a little at the sensation as Seb took in a deep breath. He put his hand at the side of Seb’s face and stroked over his cheek with his thumb, Seb merely gazing back at him.

“Good sleep?” Mark enquired.

“Yeah.” Seb huffed a tiny laugh. “Been a while.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark softly, moving his hand to smooth over Seb’s hair as he had wanted to earlier.

“Did Teddy wake?”

“Nope. The gods smile on us.”

Seb huffed another laugh and nodded. Mark smiled, then moved to kiss him again.

“I have morning breath,” pointed out Seb as he lifted away for air.

“I don’t care. So do I.”

“Mm.” Seb lifted his head to look at the monitor. “Is he still asleep?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“How often is he this quiet when he’s awake?”

“True.”

“He’s fine. Leave him be darling.”

“I’m just checking.”

“I know.”

Mark stroked down over his arm as Seb settled back down with him. First decent night’s sleep in what felt like an age, shouldn’t they make the most of it?

“No need to rush to get up,” he commented.

“No,” agreed Seb.

Mark smiled as he snuggled back in. A relaxed cuddle under the duvet would be nice. If it lead to anything more that might be even nicer, but there was no pressure. Just a calm, relaxed Sunday morning would be plenty to celebrate. It had been a while.

  


  
  


They didn’t watch the race Seb was missing in Bahrain. Just as they hadn’t watched the race in Shanghai the weekend before. Sebastian didn’t want reminding of any of that. He preferred to focus on family time, making the most of their time together at home. Mark was more than happy with that and Teddy of course was only interested in playing, quite content to have both his parents’ full attention.

There had been the odd message come through from Christian, Dr Phillips and Britta, but they had stuck to general enquiries to check how Seb was doing and hadn’t been too intrusive. Seb had kept his replies fairly short, mostly wanting to be left alone, though he knew their intentions were good. For now he just wanted to shut the outside world out, pull up the drawbridge as Mark liked to say, and forget as much as he could beyond the day-to-day.

  


He didn’t know why while he was starting to feel more generally as though his mind could stay focussed on the here and now, Seb found himself worrying about other, more mundane things: double-checking that the oven was off, then going back and checking again; fretting that they’d left windows open when they went out for a walk to the extent that they ended up having to turn around and go back to make sure. Seb knew he was getting worse when he found himself going up twice during one of Teddy’s naps to be absolutely certain he really was fine despite hearing nothing out of the ordinary on the monitor.

As he came back downstairs from doing this on the Tuesday afternoon Mark raised an eyebrow.

“Is he alright?”

“Yeah, fine, sorry.”

“Not climbed out of his cot and wandered off down the road then?”

Sebastian pouted at being teased.

“I know it’s irrational.”

Mark took his hand, looking at him more seriously.

“Darling what are you worrying about?”

“I don’t know. I just feel…” Seb sighed and shrugged. “A bit weird. I can’t describe it.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay. Sorry.”

“No it’s me. I don’t know what’s going on. I know everything’s okay. I just…” Sebastian shook his head. “My stupid brain.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your brain.”

“I think perhaps I should call Henry again. Maybe he can explain it?”

“If it’ll help. I think you’re probably just still a bit out of sorts sweetheart.”

“Yeah. Might still call him though.”

“Sure.”

Mark was about to say more when the monitor really did break out with the sound of their son crying. He sat forwards.

“Perhaps you’re just psychic darling?” Mark gave Seb a kiss on the cheek and got up before he could. “I’ll go.”

Sebastian sat back thinking it was more likely that by going in and out of the nursery he had disturbed Teddy sleeping. He pulled out his phone and sent a text.

  


  


  


“Well my assessment would be that you are displacing your anxiety Seb,” advised Dr Menton.

“What do you mean?”

“Basically that your mind is pushing aside the more disturbing sources of anxiety you have been feeling and replacing that with slightly safer things to worry about.”

“It’s safer to worry about my son?”

“I don’t mean his welfare is less important,” Henry clarified, “but it’s a more domestic concern. You know deep down that your son is fine don’t you?”

“I guess. My heart really starts beating though. I get so I have to check over and over. That’s not normal is it?”

“Generalised anxiety is just that Seb, it’s not necessarily about rational fears and concerns.”

“Great, so I’m going crazy.”

“No. You’re unsettled.”

“I’ve been feeling better though.”

“Which is really good progress Seb, but we’ve said this isn’t something fixed overnight.”

Sebastian sighed and the psychiatrist heard it down the phone.

“Seb, don’t take this as meaning you aren’t improving. I’d say it’s a side-effect.”

“Being irrational?”

“Feeling anxieties closer to the surface. A natural consequence of what you’ve been through. We’ve been here before.”

 

Puffing a long breath Sebastian thought about that.

“It’s normally been control stuff though. I’m not trying to control when my son wakes up or stuff like things being properly locked, not really.”

“Though perhaps it is to do with the fact you have felt out of control emotionally.”

“Maybe.”

“How else has it manifested?”

“The other night Mark lit some aromatherapy candles my sister gave us for Christmas and I got so worried about the match being out that I had to run it under the tap in the kitchen before putting it in the bin.”

“Mm, okay well nothing wrong with wanting to be safe.”

“And then five minutes later I started worrying it might somehow have set fire to the bin in there and I had to go back to check it hadn’t.”

“Right.”

“Which is crazy.”

“Which is anxiety,” insisted the doctor. “Which is normal.”

“Normal?”

“In the circumstances, yes.”

Sebastian set his head back against the sofa where he was sitting.

“I don’t suppose I’ve ever really been normal.”

“You’ve always been exceptional Seb.”

“Ha.”

“I’m not joking. Extraordinary people rarely live ordinary lives.”

“Oh wunderbar.”

Sebastian sounded downbeat and Dr Menton wondered how to reassure him.

 

“Seb all the things you usually do that we’ve talked about; all those scrupulous notes you make for races, all the extra work you put in, the level of planning you tend to put into everything. You know that’s all to do with the latent anxiety you carry.”

Sebastian pulled a face, though luckily his therapist couldn’t see it over the phone.

“That and my pathological need to control everything.”

“Not pathological, entirely reasonable instincts, positive when channelled. Part of who you are Seb. Doubtless a good part of why you are as successful as you are. You have a very active mind. Perhaps that’s also a factor.”

“In what sense?”

“Well you’re not doing any of those things while you are at home.”

“So I’d be okay if I was in work?”

“I’m just saying there are a lot of things coming together at the moment.”

“I was alright over the break when I was at home.”

“Mm, but then you weren’t dealing with what you have been recently.”

“So what are you saying?” appealed Seb.

Henry paused, trying to think how to explain it in terms he would understand.

“Basically that you’re still feeling more churned up than perhaps you realise. You’ve said repeatedly that you don’t want to think about things, which is understandable of course, but if you’re avoiding matters that are too hard to deal with then that anxiety can bubble out in other ways.”

“Oh.”

“Does that make sense?”

“I guess. Am I making things worse?”

“No I’m not saying that. Just don’t punish yourself for whatever you’re feeling right now.”

“Will it get better?”

“It should do. Hopefully as you start to feel more removed from what you’ve been through, the level of anxiety you feel should lessen.”

“Okay,” Seb replied quietly.

“I’m sorry I haven’t got a quick fix Seb. It’s part of the process of getting better.”

“So I am getting better?”

“Do you not feel it?”

“Sometimes I do and then I get all wound up inside worrying about something stupid and part of me knows even at the time that it’s irrational, but I can’t stop it.”

“Okay, don’t fight it Seb, don’t berate yourself.”

“Am I making things worse be checking things and all that?”

“I don’t think it would do you any good to deny yourself the need to be reassured Seb.”

“I get all tingly and my heart goes too fast when I get spun up.”

“Mm, so I’d say the best thing you can do is satisfy the need to check whatever it is that is making you anxious. Do you feel better when you’ve checked?”

“A bit. Then it comes back,” Seb confessed. “It’s so bizarre.”

“Well… if nothing else Seb, I’d say the fact you can appreciate that these fears aren’t rational is a good sign.”

“Am I going to be okay?”

“I think you’ve already improved a lot in a short time.”

 

Sebastian sighed again.

“I do feel better most of the time and then, I guess something just sneaks into my brain.”

“Yes, well the brain can be a tricky thing.”

Seb coughed an almost laugh.

“That’s your professional opinion as a psychologist?”

“Psychiatrist,” corrected Dr Menton, “and yes it is. Who is normal? What is normal? We all worry. We all have anxieties. Worrying and wanting to check things doesn’t automatically translate into having obsessive compulsive disorder. Not unless it’s completely taking over your life. Which doesn’t sound like what you’re describing.”

“I’m not doing it like twenty times over.”

“No, precisely.”

“I do feel bad I woke Teddy by checking on him though.”

“ _Did_ you wake him?”

“Well he woke up not long after I went in there.”

“Mm, so he could have woken anyway.”

“I spose.”

“Even if you did accidentally wake him, did it do irreparable damage?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, another thing it was good Dr Menton couldn't see.

“Guess not.”

“So, these lower-level focuses for your anxiety may be in fact providing you with a safer outlet.”

“You think they’re a good thing?”

“I wouldn't necessarily go that far. I know it’s not pleasant to experience, but…”

“But could be worse?”

“Well that’s one way of looking at it. I was going to suggest you could see it as a stepping stone to recovery.”

“It’s a pretty crappy one.”

“I’d imagine that’s a fair assessment.”

 

Sebastian let out a long breath. Henry didn’t exactly always say what Seb wanted to hear, but he did say what he thought. Seb supposed he had to accept it as an honest appraisal of how things were.

“We’ll keep an eye on it,” continued Dr Menton, “but I’d expect these other anxieties to subside as you start to feel more settled.”

“Do you think it’ll affect me racing?” worried Seb. “I can’t be in the car worrying about if Teddy’s okay or I dunno, if the hire car’s properly locked back in the car-park. I wouldn't be able to race if my mind is distracted like that.”

“You’ve always told me that when you get in the car you forget everything but racing,” asserted Henry. “I’ve no reason to doubt that will change.”

“Yeah but what if it does?”

The doctor paused.

“Well Seb in all honesty you’ll only find out for sure when you try it. I have confidence you will surprise even yourself with how well you slot back into your role. You have been racing most of your life. By now it is instinctive. Think how it was when you returned after your accident. You had anxieties then and how did that turn out?”

“Okay I guess.”

“More than okay. You did very well. I’m not saying having some anxieties going back to work won’t occur. That would be entirely normal for anyone returning after time off, but once you get going I’m confident that you will be fine.”

“I suppose there’s usually too much for me to deal with driving to think of much else,” conceded Seb.

“Precisely. And if going in there are a few worries, try talking them through with Mark. He’ll be there won’t he?”

“Yeah.”

“So then. He will be caring for your son. Is there any reason you think a problem might occur?”

“No he always takes such good care of Teddy. Mark’s a wonderful father.”

“So there’s nothing to worry about there. If that sort of worry creeps in, you can tell yourself that.”

“I spose.”

“And anything else. Really Seb, worst case scenario, you mentioned the car. If it was left unlocked, I’d imagine the parking for drivers is fairly secure.”

“At the circuit? Yeah I guess.”

“It’s only hire a car anyway. They’d get you another one if it was stolen.”

Sebastian coughed a laugh.

“I spose they would.”

“And anything at home. Doesn’t your housekeeper look after the place while you’re away?”

“Pauline.”

“Right, and you trust her to take care of things?”

“Of course.”

“So, nothing to worry about there. Let’s run through things; are you concerned you might start worrying about the car?”

“The car?”

“Your race-car.”

“Oh.”

“Do you think you’re likely to start worrying about there being a problem with it?”

“My guys check it over and over. They work really hard to make it as perfect as possible. They take it personally.”

“Okay, great. So you trust them?”

“Of course.”

 

At the other end of the line Dr Menton smiled. No hesitation there.

“I mean, there have been problems occasionally, that’s just how it goes in F1,” Seb admitted.

“But you don’t tend to worry about it when you get in the car?”

“No if there’s anything it usually happens out of the blue.”

“Do you worry about that?”

Seb paused and thought.

“No not really. I think Mark does more than me.”

“Worries when he’s in the car?”

“Ha, no. When _I’m_ in the car.”

“Ah. Well, he loves you.”

“Yeah.”

“Anything else that might be worrying you going into the weekend?”

Sebastian huffed a breath.

“It’s the media mostly. They’re going to go so over the top. I worry how I’ll react when they question me.”

“Mm, that I can appreciate, but it isn’t an irrational fear.”

“Oh cheers.”

“Forgive me Seb, but even as an outsider I can appreciate that there will be press interest in you returning to racing. You know this. Your team knows this. I presume you will prepare for it?”

“Well yeah, Britta said we’ll go over things in advance.”

“Okay, so you’ll have tactics in hand. I understand it’s an area of concern, but we’ve been discussing your more irrational worries, your anxiety surfacing for no immediately apparent reason. That’s something quite different to a rational concern about something that you are fairly certainly going to have to deal with. Do you see the difference?”

“Right. Yeah I guess.”

“When are you due back in work? Have you arranged that yet?”

“Not totally. Christian suggested maybe going in next Monday to the factory.”

“So nearly a week off yet. Then all things being well you’d be going to your next race the following weekend?”

“I’ll actually be flying out on the Wednesday.”

“Okay, but still a while off.”

“Yeah.”

“So, plenty of time for you to take your time at home before going in to work with those you trust to prepare yourself.”

“I guess so.”

“And when you do go in to work, those around you will want to be doing all they can to help you to make sure that the race weekend goes well? Yes?”

“Yes of course.”

“So, that sounds like a positive.”

“Yeah. I thought I could go see my guys, my mechanics and my engineers while I’m there. Just to say hello mostly so it’s not the first time when I turn up in Baku.”

“That sounds like a great idea Seb,” asserted Dr Menton. “Making sensible, practical plans to help yourself ease in to deal with returning to work. That’s not the action of an irrational mind. Thinking ahead like that… I know you’re not there yet, but it tells me you’ll get there and it tells me that you know that too, deep down at least.”

 

There was silence as Sebastian sat back, gazing blankly out as he absorbed that.

“Do you not think so Seb?” queried Dr Menton.

“No I… I guess I hadn’t thought about it like that.”

“Your planning ahead you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“You just did it automatically.”

“I suppose so.”

“Mm. You don’t have to force it, you just do it, because it’s what you do. It tells me you’re going to be alright Seb. It might not be easy and you accept that, but you’ll find ways to cope with those around you to help.”

“Hmm.”

“It’s okay if you don’t quite feel you’re there yet Seb,” Henry assured him. “That’s why you’re taking this time until you do. I think in many ways it is emblematic of how much you have changed and developed as a person.”

“Really?”

“Yes of course. It takes confidence to ask for help, to decide who you can trust and to have the bravery to make that leap and yes to say you need time, rather than just force yourself to push on through. Choices you are making not just for yourself but your family. It may not feel positive right now, but I believe it will be in the long term.”

“Okay.”

“Does that help?” Henry checked.

“Yeah. Yeah I just wish all that stuff would go away and I could feel normal again,” Seb admitted.

“Of course. That’s natural Seb. Just give yourself a bit of a break about the fact you’re still recovering.”

“You don’t think I’ll get worse?”

“I honestly don’t Seb. Try not to dig yourself into a hole of worrying about worrying. We’ll monitor how you’re doing. Next time we talk you can tell me how you’re getting on and if you really feel it is becoming more of an issue we’ll address that, but I think if you can just accept that it is more of an outlet for your anxiety, you may be able to manage things.”

“How?”

“When you feel anxious about something, for instance a door being locked, don’t reproach yourself for feeling how you do, tell yourself that what you are feeling is normal, that it is perfectly common and that you are just feeling it more because you’ve had a tough time lately.”

“Okay. You think that’ll make me feel better?”

“I’d hope so. Criticising yourself certainly won’t.”

“Guess not.”

“So, try to press pause on feeling spun up as you put it, tell yourself it’s just a side-effect and then do what you need to do to reassure yourself. Check the lock, or whatever it is. Trying to force down your concerns and anxiety will only have a negative impact.”

“Yeah I know,” Seb sighed, “but like if it’s the second or third time and I feel like I’m losing it?”

“Remind yourself that you are not. You are adjusting, working on getting back to how you need to be. This is not your fault. It is not a weakness. You’ve had some increased anxiety issues lately, but you are getting better.”

“Okay.”

“And try to think of practical little coping strategies. If it’s a physical thing you are checking. Then you can take a photograph on your phone to prove you have switched the gas off, or the window is shut, or whatever it is. At least then you can check it immediately and be reassured.”

“Oh, yeah okay.”

“And if it is something else, say your son, then in all honesty Seb I think the best thing is to just check. Don’t deny yourself the reassurance you need. It’s only because you love him so much.”

 

Sebastian pouted, sudden dampness in his eyes.

“Yeah.”

“Alright?”

“Yeah. Maybe Mark could check with me?”

“If it helps, I’m sure he would.”

“Okay.” Sebastian let out a long sigh. “Thanks.”

“Shall we perhaps talk later in the week?” proposed Dr Menton. “See how you’re doing?”

“Yeah that would be good, thank you.”

“No problem. You’re doing really well Seb. Don’t forget that. If you have a rough day or night, or just a tricky spell, remember that you’re making progress and all those people you’ve mentioned as supporting you, they’ve got your back.”

Seb nodded.

“Thanks.”

“Till later in the week then.”

“Yeah. Bye then.”

“Bye Seb.”

  


When Sebastian went through to the kitchen he found Mark sat on the floor with Teddy, the pair of them amusing themselves by petting the dogs.

“Hey,” smiled Mark as Seb entered and sat down with them.

“Hey.”

“Alright?”

Sebastian nodded, then gave Teddy a smile as he stroked over Simba’s ears. He could see Mark still looking at him though, clearly wondering how the call had gone.

“It’s okay,” he assured. “Talk later?”

“Sure,” agreed Mark, casually placing his hand on Seb’s back to give it a little rub. “No problem.” He looked back to Teddy. “We’ve been feeding the dogs haven’t we mate? Shall we tell Papa all about it?”

Teddy looked at Mark, then Seb.

“Doh Papa.”

“Ah, very good Liebling.”

“We had a little play outside, then once Teddy here had worn them out we gave them some grub as a reward,” Mark explained.

Sebastian smiled and nodded. He reached to stroke the dogs as well, the action soothing as it always was. Shadow moved to plonk his chin on Seb’s leg, looking up at him with those big brown eyes. Surely dogs didn’t fret about things? They didn’t worry. They just lived in the moment, overjoyed to be shown affection, happy to have full tummies, hopeful to have a little walk later maybe, but not looking beyond that. Seb told himself to do the same; just to have a nice time with his family without worrying about anything else, for now at least.

  


  


“Oh sweetheart I feel rotten for teasing you about it now.”

Sebastian shook his head at Mark as they sat together on the sofa far later on, Teddy asleep in his cot upstairs and the dogs back by their feet, quite as content as before.

“No it’s okay,” Seb assured him.

“I was trying to cheer you up,” Mark insisted.

“I know Liebling. I take things too seriously.”

“Well I didn’t mean that. I was just trying to, I dunno, lighten things.”

“I know. It’s alright, really.” Sebastian shifted closer to him. “I didn’t say it to make you feel bad Liebling. I just wanted to explain, you know what he said about how I’ve been lately.”

Mark nodded.

“Okay, well I’m sure he’s right sweetheart. Nothing to worry about.” He took Seb’s hand and smoothed his thumb over the back. “I really didn’t mean to tease you for feeling anxious darling.”

“Mark I know.” Seb insisted, looking up at him. “I know you’d never do that. You only ever tease to try to make me smile.”

Mark smiled now, reaching to touch Seb’s cheek.

“Well you do have a beautiful smile darling. I can’t help wanting to see it as often as possible.”

 

That made Sebastian smile and Mark stroked his cheek one more before pulling his hand away.

“I didn’t mean to make you worry about me worrying about worrying,” Seb assured, making Mark huff a little laugh. “See, it’s me getting in a tangle.”

“Well we don’t want that.”

“I mean I know it’s all kindof ridiculous, fretting about Teddy when I know he’s fine and just, I dunno, such little things.”

“No, I think what you’ve told me Henry said about it makes sense sweetheart. At least it’s a lesser worry, but I don’t like to think of you feeling anxious, so just say that’s it and we’ll do whatever we need to so you feel better, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And you don’t need to feel that it’s silly or pointless,” Mark asserted. “I mean I’ve wondered whether I’ve really locked up properly at night and re-checked it plenty of times. I always listen out for Teddy when I wake up and before I go to sleep come to that. It’s normal stuff darling, just a bit… more so.”

“Yeah.”

Mark hugged Seb in closer.

“Just tell me, yeah? Anything bothering you and we fix it. Don’t leave it bubbling inside.”

Sebastian nodded, thinking how it did feel a bit like that sometimes; a dangerous feeling as though something was boiling up. Jamming the lid on wouldn't solve the problem.

“Thank you.”

Mark turned his head to kiss Seb’s forehead. It was reassuring to hear that Seb’s fretfulness of late could be seen as a positive, or at least not something for them to be alarmed by. As Sebastian lowered his head to rest on Mark’s shoulder, Mark resolved to do all he could to help, not try to dismiss it with jokes like an idiot.

  


  


They had been spending their evenings either watching familiar films or one of their boxsets of nature documentaries, and tonight was no different, the pair of them on the sofa, Mark with his arm around Seb, Seb with his feet tucked up leaning into him. The authoritative tones of Sir David Attenborough were busily explaining how a family group of whales operated when a far lighter sound intruded and Seb sat forwards to hear a little cough emanate from the baby monitor.

Mark was listening too, but he turned to Seb, thinking of their earlier conversation.

“You wanna go check on him?”

Sebastian nodded. He got up, half expecting to go to check on their son on his own, but Mark went with him without the need to ask. They stood in the doorway of the nursery looking over at Teddy lying in his cot illuminated by the nightlight and the light from the landing coming in. Sebastian listened for the usual snuffly breathing noises he made, then went closer, going to stand by the cot so he could look down at Teddy as he slept.

“He’s fine sweetheart,” whispered Mark who had followed him.

“Yeah.”

Teddy moved slightly in his sleep and they watched to see if he was waking, but as he settled back Seb knew he needed to accept that their son really was okay. As Mark touched his arm Seb knew it was a hint to leave, so he went with him into the landing.

“Okay?” checked Mark.

“Yeah, just… did you hear him cough before?”

“Um, I guess.”

“Do you think he’s alright?”

Mark looked into his eyes.

“Darling he’s fine. Maybe just clearing his throat.”

“I guess.”

“We okay to go down?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

 

The returned to the lounge, but Seb couldn't quite stop himself turning up the volume on the monitor before they resumed their positions on the sofa. Mark made no comment on it and pressed play on the DVD again.

“See sweetheart, their using sound-waves to keep a check on their little-un as well,” he observed as the whales were shown swimming in the deep ocean, arcing their huge bodies around in the water to round up a lagging infant.

Sebastian nodded and rested his head back on Mark’s shoulder. All the shades of blue filling the screen were so peaceful. He hoped none of the creatures in this episode were going to come to an unfortunate end or it would rather spoil the mood. As he gazed at the scene playing out in front of him, Seb was comforted to think that it was normal to check on your child to be sure they were safe. Teddy had been fine. A little cough was nothing to fret about. Seb zoned in on the monitor again and reassured himself that he could hear the sound of steady breathing. Nothing to worry about.

 

They got all the way through the episode and half-way through the next one before there came the sound of more high-pitched little coughs via the monitor. Sebastian sat forwards in concern.

“Okay you had to have heard that time?”

“Just a little cough darling.”

Mark saw the way Seb was looking at the monitor and listened more carefully, though no further sounds other than breathing came forth.

“I think he’s alright,” he asserted.

Seeing Seb unconvinced, Mark picked up the monitor for them to listen more closely. Sebastian frowned, hearing nothing untoward now, but he was still unsettled. Mark could see it too.

“You wanna go check?”

Seb wondered if he ought to just shake his head and ignore it, but Mark read his hesitation and took his hand to go upstairs.

 

As they stood by the cot again Sebastian stared down at the way their son’s chest moved up and down, no sign of any problem. He watched for a minute, then turned to Mark, speaking softly to not wake Teddy.

“Oh god Liebling am I driving myself crazy?”

Mark put his arm around him.

“No darling. I did hear a little cough.”

“More than one.”

“Okay,” nodded Mark as calmly as possible. “But he’s fine, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian sighed heavily so Mark squeezed him in.

“A cough or two, hardly the first time for him.”

“Mm.”

Mark peered into the cot to see if there was any discernible issue.

“Maybe he had a tiny bit of phlegm in his throat?”

Sebastian ducked down to looked through the bars of the cot: in and out, in and out. No coughing, no nothing out of the ordinary. Mark’s hand went to his shoulder.

“He is okay darling.”

Seb nodded, but he watched a little while longer before finally accepting it and standing back up. He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them to see Mark looking at him.

“That’s twice now.”

“Sweetheart it’s okay. Better to check. Alright?”

 

Sebastian nodded and with a last look, they exited onto the landing, shutting the nursery door behind them. Mark put his hand on Seb’s arm.

“Sweetheart it’s fine. Maybe the noise made you jump?”

“Feel my heart.”

Mark put his palm on Seb’s chest to feel it thumping beneath. As he pulled his hand away he wrapped Seb in a hug, Seb closing his eyes as he pressed in.

“I’m sorry Liebling,” he whispered.

“You don’t need to be. It’s alright. He’s fine. Perhaps he’s got a little sniffle. We’ve had that before haven’t we?”

Sebastian nodded and Mark nodded back.

“We okay to go down then?” Mark checked.

“Course. Sorry.”

As they walked down the stairs Mark put his arm around him.

“You don’t need to be sorry.”

“Sorry.”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh and kissed Seb’s cheek, both of them knowing Seb couldn't help himself.

Though they checked on their son again before they went to bed, this was just as they normally did, and all it showed was that Teddy was plainly safely asleep. Thus Seb went to sleep feeling reassured and at peace, able to drop off easily enough.

  


  


 

The next day Seb was feeling sufficiently back into the swing of their normal home life that they took Teddy along to the baby and toddler group at the church hall. He saw a few looks coming their way as they entered, but in truth though they had come as often as they could over the last six months, he and Mark still did tend to draw the eyes of all the mothers attending. A few came to say hello as they got a drink to settle in, most just saying hello, though Louise did venture to ask how Seb was doing which rather hinted that they hadn’t missed the information that he’d missed recent races.

“Ah you’re fine aren’t you sweetheart?” breezed Mark, knowing Seb would feel awkward as to how to answer.

Seb nodded.

“Yeah, much better thanks.”

“Oh good, well it’s nice to see you. Archie’s been missing Teddy the past couple of weeks haven’t you?”

She hitched her little boy a bit closer to theirs and Teddy reached out to try to paw towards his face, so they decided to find a spot where the infants were safe to play on the floor with a few toys, the parents making small-talk about the weather recently and events in the village Louise could tell them about.

By the time they reached the communal activities and games at the end of the session Seb was feeling much more relaxed, enjoying seeing how Teddy was entertained by singing and clapping along with the other children. Mark made no point of it, but he let Seb hang onto their son while they sat in the circle on the floor, considering the sacrifice of feeling faintly stupid joining in without a small child on his knee was well worth seeing the other two look so happy.

  


  


When they got home they had been planning on taking the dogs out for a late afternoon walk, but as Mark and Seb sat in the lounge drinking a decent cup of coffee to make up for the instant they had sipped earlier, Teddy toddled over from where he had been sat on the floor with Shadow and Simba. He put his hands on Seb’s knees and looked up at him.

“Papa.”

“You alright Schatz?”

The toddler pouted and lifted up his arms expectantly.

“Papa hup.”

Mark smiled at their son getting ever closer to expressing what he wanted. Seb meanwhile nodded, setting down his mug on the coffee-table and lifting Teddy up as he requested. He gave him a hug and kissed his temple.

“Did you just want a cuddle Teddybär?”

Teddy was still pouting as he leaned into him now, so Seb simply kept him close. Mark ducked in to look at him.

“You worn yourself out playing with your little mates kiddo?”

Teddy merely looked up at him with those big blue eyes, so Mark stroked his cheek.

“Long day I guess.”

Seb nodded, thinking how they had been for an early run and taken their son to the playground again after stopping for coffee this morning. Perhaps it had been a bit much with group this afternoon, though usually their son was full of energy.

“I think he’s tired.”

“Mm.”

 

They resumed drinking their coffee thinking they’d see if Teddy cheered up after a rest, but as Mark took Seb’s mug to put down for him, he looked in at their son.

“Dropped off,” he observed.

Sebastian angled his head to look and saw that Teddy’s eyes were closed where he rested into his chest.

“Hmm. Do you think he needs an extra nap?”

Mark looked at his watch; barely half four. Their son had slept after lunch before they’d gone out this afternoon. These days that was usually plenty for him.

“We can leave it half an hour, see if he perks up. You wanna put him down in his cot?”

Sebastian shook his head. Teddy was comfortable and it felt nice just to hold him safely like this.

  


Half an hour later Teddy hadn’t shifted. He simply lay limply into his father, Seb feeling him breathe in and out against his body.

“I’m sure he’s breathing more heavily than normal Liebling.”

Mark looked in.

“Do you think so?”

“Do you think something’s wrong?”

“He’s just sleeping darling. I reckon he just got a bit over-excited seeing his pals earlier.”

“Maybe.”

“He did quite a bit of running about, and this morning.”

“I spose.”

Mark reached in to stroke their son’s cheek.

“You all tuckered out sunshine?”

“Don’t wake him.”

Mark pulled his hand away, but Teddy stirred now and Seb sent his husband a look.

“Sorry,” Mark apologised.

Teddy frowned, then rubbed his face into Sebastian’s chest before moving his arm to hang onto him.

“What’s the matter Kleiner?” enquired Seb.

Teddy made no reply so Seb lifted him up to look at him, Teddy merely moving his arms to cling around his papa’s neck and dropping his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sure something’s not right,” decided Seb.

Mark puffed a breath as he peered in at their son.

“Does seem tired I guess.” He tried stroking over Teddy’s back. “You alright mate?”

 

Normally the little boy would turn his head and choose to reach over to the other parent to double up on cuddles, but now he was uninterested in making any effort beyond holding on to Seb. The dogs had got up and come over, showing more lively interest in them than Teddy was, so Mark gave them a stroke.

“You alright boys?” He looked to Sebastian. “They really could do with stretching their legs.”

Seb nodded, knowing Mark could too. He looked at Teddy.

“I’m not sure he should be in the carrier like this. Can we go on the lanes instead, put him in the pushchair?”

“Sure.” Mark stroked over Teddy’s head. “You can have a snooze while we walk if you’re a bit zzz-y kiddo.”

 

They went into the hall to start organising themselves, getting the pushchair out as well as coats and boots against the brisker spring air today. Seb had managed to sit Teddy in his buggy seat, but when he attempted to get his coat on the little boy scowled, resisting having his arms moved and bursting into tears when Mark tried to help.

“C’mon sweetheart. We can’t have you getting cold,” coaxed Mark.

Teddy merely murmured unhappily, his face scrunching up as he then howled louder. Sebastian sighed and lifted him out, initially thinking that Mark could put the coat on him easier this way, but now Teddy latched his arms back around his neck and clung on as he cried.

“Papa, _Papa_.”

“Blimey,” sighed Mark. “It’s only your coat Teddy.”

“Maybe we could just wrap him up in a blanket?”

“Mm, maybe…” Mark tried to get in his son’s eyeline. “What’s up mate? Don’t you want to take the doggies out for a nice walk?”

The toddler continued to cry and Mark puffed a breath, looking to Seb instead.

“Ah it’s no good forcing him. I spose we can just let them run around in the garden?”

“Well why don’t you take them and I’ll just take him up?”

“Umm.”

“They need a walk. You go Liebling. I’ll see if he needs a change or something.”

Mark paused, but the dogs were fussing around their legs and they really did need a proper walk.

“Alright well, we won’t be too long.”

“Sure.”

Mark finished getting ready, trying to give Teddy a kiss before Seb took him upstairs, but Teddy was still having none of it. He kissed Seb’s cheek instead and left them to it, hoping it really was something simple like a nappy change making their son so grumpy.

  


  


When he came back home Mark took the dogs into the kitchen for a feed and some fresh water, then washed his hands and on finding no sign of anyone downstairs, went up to investigate. He opened the nursery door to find Sebastian sat in the rocking chair by the window, Teddy asleep in his lap as he had been earlier.

“Ah.”

Mark went over and ducked down by them.

“I tried reading him a story to cheer him up,” Seb explained, “but pretty much as soon as he stopped crying he fell asleep again.”

“Huh.”

“Something’s not right Liebling. He’s not like this any more, not normally.”

“No,” agreed Mark.

“I didn’t want to put him down.”

Mark merely nodded and stroked over their son’s hair, then looked up to Seb.

“Are you alright sweetheart?”

Sebastian paused, then shrugged.

“I’m a bit worried.”

Mark put his hand over Seb’s and nodded.

“Do you think he’s poorly?”

“Something’s not right.”

“Mm, well at least he’s sleeping.”

“He was fine earlier. I don’t understand it.”

“He really could just be worn out you know.”

“I suppose.”

“We’ll keep an eye.”

Sebastian nodded.

“Do you want to put him in his cot?” Mark asked. He got a shaken head in reply and Mark knew not to push it. “Tell you what sweetheart, why don’t I go so what I can sort out for dinner? He might perk up a bit with some tucker.”

“Okay. Thank you Liebling.”

“That’s alright. Sure he’ll be fine darling.”

Mark kissed his cheek, then checked Seb didn’t need anything before leaving them to go back down.

  


  


Teddy woke before Mark came to tell Seb dinner was prepared. He was still quiet though and strangely lethargic as his parents tried to feed him, none of the usual messy efforts to take the spoon for himself. They managed to get a bit of food in him, but less than half the plateful and the little boy rejected his usual milk and only accepted being fed water.

“At least it’s something,” Mark justified.

“Yeah.”

Their attention was pulled back as their son suddenly sneezed. The little boy looked so perplexed as he frowned that it was almost amusing, but then he sneezed again and both parents sighed.

“Uh oh.”

Sebastian was already lifted Teddy out of his chair, looking at him with concern.

“Poor Teddybär.”

He sat back down with him, Mark beside them.

“Do you think he’s got a cold?”

“Maybe.”

“He must have picked up at the baby group.”

Mark gave a half-smile.

“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that quickly sweetheart.”

“Well he was fine before.”

“Hmm. Well I don’t know, could be anywhere really, postie delivering something, us touching a handle at the hospital, who knows?”

Sebastian sighed to think they could have brought these germs home to their son, but he knew you couldn't live an entirely sanitised life.

“Yeah okay, I suppose,” he accepted.

Mark examined Teddy’s eyes and nose, seeing nothing much, but Seb looked worried, even more so when Teddy sneezed again. Mark found a clean tissue and held it ready to at least try to catch the germs, but now Teddy was back to griping and crying, plainly unhappy. The first sneeze had in truth been rather cute, within half an hour it was nothing like.

  


Their own dinner went by the wayside as both parents focussed on their son. Teddy fussed and cried more than he actually showed any obvious signs of illness, but he was very clingy, first with Seb, then Mark when Seb’s arms wore out holding him. They managed to get him ready for bed, but instead of the usual story in the nursery, Teddy ceased crying the moment the battle to clean his teeth was done and was asleep in his father's arms before they even made it back along the landing. Mark almost joked that they had finally found the hidden ‘off’ switch, but Seb was plainly in no mood, peering in at their son with concern.

“He’s breathing harder don’t you think?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“I dunno, maybe.”

“Is his nose blocked?”

As they laid Teddy out on his changing mat both of them tried examining him, but there was nothing discernible.

“I think we should take him to the doctor’s,” decided Sebastian.

“Well we can’t right now.”

“I know. I meant in the morning.”

“Oh, well I guess if he’s still crook.”

“We should at least take his temperature.”

Mark nodded, letting Seb go get the thermometer to do so before they put him down in his cot.

“It’s not a fever,” Mark commented.

“Hmm.”

Mark put his arm around him.

“Best thing is to let him sleep. We’ll see how he is in the morning. Yeah?”

“Yeah okay.”

They stood watching Teddy sleep for a minute, Seb convinced each breath was heavier than normal. Then Mark rubbed over his arm.

“We’ve not had dinner. You wanna stay here and I’ll sort it?”

Sebastian paused, not sure if he was making himself worry more by staring obsessively at their son, imagining problems that might not be there.

“Um, no its okay. I’ll come.”

Mark just nodded and picked up the monitor for them to listen in.

  


  


Some time in middle of the night Mark woke to find the bed empty next to him. Hardly unheard of when one of them nipped to the loo or heard their son on the monitor while the other slept through, but Mark certainly hadn’t heard a thing. He got up and pulled on his dressing-gown, fitting his feet into the slippers set by the bed before going to investigate.

It was no surprise to find Seb in the nursery. He was stood by the cot, looking down at their son, only raising his eyes as the door open and Mark came over.

“Did he wake up?”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I thought I heard something.”

“Ah.”

“I might have imagined it.”

Mark put his arm around Seb and gave him a little squeeze.

“He’s alright, yeah?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Bit of a sniffle maybe,” Mark offered.

“Maybe.”

“You gonna come back to bed sweetheart? If he is poorly we’re gonna need our sleep.”

Sebastian nodded, then dropped his head sideways onto Mark’s shoulder.

“I know I’m fretting,” he conceded.

“If he’s still not right in the morning we’ll get him checked. It’ll be alright.”

Seb nodded, then stood straight to go back to bed.

 

As they climbed back in, Seb stayed sat up and Mark looked to him.

“Are you alright?”

“I woke up so suddenly Liebling. I thought I must have heard something, but my heart was pounding.”

Mark took his hand and squeezed it.

“Maybe you did hear something darling?”

“Maybe. I think I might have been having a bad dream.”

“Oh.”

“Not… I don’t think it was… you know.”

“Right.”

“I don’t remember it, but, I think I was dreaming about Teddy, worrying about him and then I woke up and had to check on him.”

Mark nodded.

“I guess it’s all in my head,” Sebastian allowed.

“Darling you’re worried, you checked on him. That’s normal. He’s sleeping though, so I think he’s doing okay.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“No it’s alright.” Mark laid his hand on Seb’s chest t feel it. “Are you feeling calmed down?”

Sebastian took in a deeper breath and pushed it out before nodding.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Mark encouraged Sebastian to lie down with him, unsurprised when Seb lay himself into his chest, arm around him to help stay in place. Mark simply wrapped his arms around him in turn, both trying to relax back into sleep, but both listening to their son breathing perhaps a little more heavily than normal, but breathing safely and sleeping, just as they ought to be too.

  


  


Fortune favoured them sufficiently that they got a decent amount of sleep before the sound of Teddy in distress really did wake them. It was shortly before dawn when they entered the nursery to find their son lying on his side in his cot, spluttering and crying, with snot trailing from his otherwise adorable snub nose.

“Oh Kleiner,” sighed Sebastian as he scooped him out, Mark already fetching tissues to tidy him up.

“Poor baba,” Mark sympathised as he tried wiping at their son’s nose once more.

Teddy lay wanly into Seb’s shoulder, still crying weakly and Seb pouted.

“Oh Liebling, he really is ill.”

“Mm.”

Mark sighed and rubbed over Teddy’s back.

“Poor lad. Colds aren’t nice are they?”

“We need to take him to the doctor's.”

“Pretty sure they’ll just say it’s a cold.”

One look at Seb’s face and Mark knew that wasn’t good enough.

“Alright darling, better to be sure. Pretty certain we’ve to a few hours before we can call for an appointment though.”

Sebastian sighed, though he knew it was true, so he nodded and went back to giving his attention to Teddy.

  


  


By nine am Pauline was with them, trying and failing along with Mark to get Teddy to eat any of his porridge. Sebastian stood in the hallway in what felt like an eternity of hold waiting to get through to the doctor's receptionist, along with it seemed apparently half the village and surrounding area. Five minutes later he came back through.

“Any joy?” asked Mark.

“Half ten.”

“Ah that’s not so bad.”

“Mm.” Sebastian looked at Teddy. “Has he eaten anything?”

Right on cue Teddy pushed out the mouthful of mushy porridge Pauline had somehow got in there, dribbling it down his chin then crying some more as Mark wiped it away.

“Poor little mite,” sympathised Pauline. “You’re not a happy bunny are you?”

As Mark cleaned up Teddy’s nose once more, Seb felt the little boy’s forehead.

“Do you think we should take his temperature again?”

“It was only a tiny bit up sweetheart.”

“I know but…”

“I’m sure the doctor will check it.”

“I guess.”

“Have you given him Calpol?” enquired Pauline.

“Yeah.”

She nodded.

“Not an awful lot you can do with colds beyond that. I used to put Tom in the bath, see if the steam helped. Not sure if it made much difference, but at least he was warm and clean.”

Sebastian was busy lifting Teddy out of his chair so it was left to Mark to nod thanks to her. It wasn’t hard to miss how distracted they were, so Pauline merely stroked over Teddy’s head, then set about her work to at least insure that any germs about the place were safely cleaned away.

  


  


As Mark checked his watch again he saw that it was now five to eleven. A good twenty-five minutes late now. He sighed and looked to Seb who was attempting to entertain Teddy with the little blocks on the children's table in the corner of the waiting room at the doctor's surgery, but the toddler showed no sign of interest, merely sitting on his father's knee as Seb perched low. An elderly couple sat nearby, the woman giving Teddy a kindly smile as her husband coughed into his handkerchief. Seb gave her a smile back, but he lifted Teddy away, returning to sit with Mark, turning Teddy to face into them to try to avoid picking up any other illnesses in here.

“You’d think they’d say something if they’re running this late,” Mark complained.

Sebastian looked over to the desk, hoping that the receptionist hadn’t heard that. He spoke more quietly in reply.

“I guess we can’t know what’s going on with who’s in there now. They might be really ill.”

Mark gave him a little smile for always trying to see the best in people and nodded, finding more tissues to clean Teddy up once more.

“He’s so quiet,” worried Seb.

Both of them looked down at their son leaning into him, listless and unhappy even if he wasn’t currently crying.

  


Teddy wasn’t so quiet when they were finally called through to see the doctor. He started squawling unhappily as soon as his parents began stripping off his layers so he could be examined and by the time the doctor was putting her stethoscope on his chest to listen, Teddy was howling the place down. He didn’t cease as she examined his nose and throat and ears, nor when she took his temperature, or even when Mark and Seb attempted to redress him. For some reason the little boy found energy to fight them putting the clothes back on that he had so plainly hated having removed. As they finally succeeded, Mark picked him up and stood, jigging him as the doctor reviewed her notes. Teddy only lowered the noise a notch or two before Mark sat to listen to the verdict, which unsurprisingly was that he had a cold.

“It’s really nothing to worry about,” the doctor assured confidently.

“He’s been coughing as well though,” reminded Sebastian.

“Yes well that’s part of the same thing, nasal drip is common, particularly with infants far too young to really blow their nose as you or I would.”

Seb and Mark looked to one another, neither much liking that description.

“He hasn’t got a fever,” continued the doctor, “so whilst it’s unpleasant, I’m not especially concerned for him. It should clear up on its own, hopefully with a week or two. If it doesn’t or he starts getting a temperature, then bring him back in.”

All they could do was nod acceptance, making mental notes of the tips she gave for anything they could do to help alleviate the symptoms. Seb couldn’t help having a guilty sense of something almost like relief that he hadn’t been imagining that things were off with their son. He didn’t want him to be ill, but at least he knew he wasn’t going crazy fretting for no reason.

  


Within an hour they were back home, Teddy sat in the bath with the room as steamy as possible as they left the shower running over in the other corner of the bathroom. Mark had put baby bubbles in to try to cheer their son up and Seb was bobbing a floating toy fish that Teddy usually loved bopping out of the way as one of his parents ‘swam’ it towards him. Now as Seb tried smiling and dancing the toy in the bubbles there were no giggles, no splashes, no attempts to take it from him. Teddy merely looked on blankly as his father sighed.

“Oh Liebling I hate seeing him like this.”

“I know,” agreed Mark. “Maybe it’s the Calpol? We’ll try putting him down after this.”

“He’s barely eaten.”

“He had some milk.”

“Hmmm.”

The left it a while, then when they took him out, Teddy found enough energy to howl at being removed from the water and rapidly dried off. He only calmed on being wrapped up in large towel that had been sat on the radiator, still taking tragic shaky breaths as Mark held him into his chest.

“Ah little man, this won’t do will it?”

“We need to get him redressed,” declared Seb.

Mark nodded and they took him through to the nursery, putting their son in his comfiest stretchy pyjamas before Mark sat with him on his knee on the rocking chair as Sebastian followed the doctor's advice and tried syphoning off the discharge in Teddy’s nose with the little pipette bought at the pharmacy on their way home. Sadly this was not a fun activity for either father or child and Teddy wailed, making Seb feel guilty even though he knew it needed doing. Mark kept stroking over Teddy’s arm to soothe him, but it made little difference.

“I think we should buy that humidifier she mentioned,” Seb decided.

Mark nodded as Sebastian stood to go and clean the little plastic device in his hand, retuning a few minutes later to put it in its box on the shelf next to the Calpol.

“I spose if we do it online we could get it delivered for tomorrow,” continued Seb.

“Yeah.” Mark looked down at Teddy now quiet again as he rested into him. “We should put him down. I reckon sleep’s the best thing.”

  


Once they had tucked him in they stood looking down at Teddy, watching the way his little chest went up and down as he breathed through his mouth. It didn’t take long before his eyes closed and he was asleep. Mark puffed out then glanced out of the window.

“You know what, I think I’ll see if anywhere not too far stocks them and nip out.”

“Really?”

“Well then we’d have today wouldn't we. As long as you don’t mind staying?”

“Of course.” Seb gave him a smile and kissed Mark’s cheek. “Thank you.”

  


 

When Mark returned in the early afternoon it was to find Sebastian holding Teddy in the kitchen, traipsing back and forth in a vain effort to get him to stop crying. Mark took in the abandoned plate of food on the high-chair tray and set down his box on the table as he came over.

“Hey.”

Sebastian turned around.

“Oh I didn’t even hear you get back.”

Mark merely gave a flick of his eyebrows at the obvious reason why.

“Want me to take him?”

Sebastian would have said no, but his arms were tiring so he handed their son over, getting a tissue to clean him up again as Mark held him.

“Here mate, look what I got you,” he pointed out. “Meant to help.”

“Hopefully,” added Seb.

“Mm, yeah.”

“I tried to get him to have some lunch.”

“I noticed. No luck?”

“No.”

“You had anything?”

“Hm?”

“Lunch.”

“Oh. No.”

 

Mark nodded. That made two of them, three if you counted Teddy who didn’t seem to want it anyway. Mark himself was starving seeing as he hadn’t had anything since this morning. He sat down at the table and caught sight of the little box with the syphon pipette for Teddy’s nose.

“Try that again?” he prompted.

Sebastian nodded and they set to work. Teddy was already crying, but he managed to send it up a bit to deafen them while his parents tried to help and comfort him. Then they got out the little baby saline nasal wash to try cleaning his nose properly to rid it of germs, but that only made Teddy sneeze and cry some more.

That done they took him back upstairs to the nursery, Seb trying to read to Teddy whilst Mark set up the humidifier. The little boy wasn’t paying much attention to the story, but he settled down as Seb rocked him back and forth.

“I think he’s worn himself out,” commented Sebastian.

Mark nodded and came over.

“It’s on so I guess we see if it does anything.”

Seb nodded.

“C’mon,” encouraged Mark. “Let’s put him back down to sleep and we can get something to eat.”

“I did give him some milk and he had a bit of water too.”

“Good. Hydrated at least even if it is coming straight out of his nose.”

“Lovely.”

Mark shrugged and went to sort their son’s nose out once again, thinking how syphoning off snot from his infant son’s nose had not been something he had anticipated as an aspect of fatherhood, but he could hardly complain when poor Teddy was so miserable. As Seb placed him in the cot he sighed and Mark took his hand.

“He’ll be alright.”

Seb could only nod, picking up the monitor to listen to. He didn’t feel any more inclined to eat than Teddy did, but he knew Mark would only worry if he didn’t.

“Have a sleep Teddybär. Daddy bought a thing to help you feel better.”

Teddy sniffled sadly and Sebastian could only sigh as Mark encouraged him to come away and let their son sleep.

  
  


  


They were both back in there in the middle of the night, taking it in turns to hold their son as he both snivelled and coughed tragically.

“Oh Liebling he just sounds awful,” worried Seb.

Mark nodded and shifted Teddy higher in his arms as he coughed again.

“Ah dear kiddo, get it out mate, that’s it.”

He immediately regretted his suggestion as the little boy coughed then convulsed and promptly emptied out the milk they had managed to feed him all over his father's pyjamas.

“Oh god,” sighed Mark.

“Oh poor Liebling,” worried Seb, snatching Teddy away and hurriedly wiping at his mouth before checking there was no more to come out.

 

Mark knew he couldn't be put out that his husband was less concerned about him. He stood, pulling his damp t-shirt over his head and wiping at his pyjama pants.

“Is he okay?”

Sebastian’s brow furrowed as he peered in at Teddy.

“Why’s he sick? He shouldn’t be sick.”

“I think it’s just he coughed it up.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I’ll just go get clean,” Mark stated.

Seb nodded distractedly.

When Mark returned, cleaned up and changed into fresh pyjamas, he found Seb stood with Teddy trying to offer him his dinosaur toy.

“Any better?”

Seb hitched Teddy up a little and Mark looked in; more tears mixing in with yet more snot making its way out of his nose.

“Oh dear, c’mon mate, let’s tidy you up again.”

 

Seb sat in the rocking chair while Mark did what he could, their son as unhappy as ever. He cried and sniffled and coughed, though thankfully without throwing up again. Seb tried feeding him water from a bottle instead, Mark using a cloth to catch the dribbled excess. Eventually he seemed to slow, tiring of it all and being lulled by the movement in his father's arms. Teddy’s eyelids flickered for a while as he resisted sleep, then at last fell closed.

“He’s asleep,” Mark whispered from where he knelt beside them.

“Hmm?”

Mark touched his arm, seeing Seb was close to being likewise.

“He’s asleep darling. Let’s put him down.”

“Oh. Right.”

Mark took Teddy from him to lay in his cot. Both parents stood, feeling like zombies.

“Do you think we should have him in with us?” wondered Sebastian.

“In our bed?”

“No, move the cot.”

“Ah sweetheart he’s used to being in here. We need our sleep too.”

“He seems so weak.”

“Darling it’s just a cold. We know how horrible they can be.”

“I spose.”

“He’ll be alright. He’s better in here with the humidifier.”

Sebastian said nothing, staring instead at their son. He could feel his own eyes wanting to close though and his body felt heavy, so when Mark took his hand Seb didn’t resist being led back to their room. He lay in bed listening to the monitor, trying to stay awake to be sure their son was okay, but neither one of them lasted long, dropping off with exhaustion within a few minutes.

  


Only a couple of hours later they were back up. Mark had tried to suggest that he should deal with it and Seb sleep, but that didn’t wash, not even when he proposed they take turns. Instead they ended up bringing their son through, sitting up in bed with him as they did battle with the escaping snot and the horrible coughs racking his little body. They gave him more Calpol and as it worked through his system that seemed to do the trick, sending the little boy off to sleep so they could put him down once more.

Back in bed Sebastian folded into Mark before they had chance to lie down.

“Liebling I’m so worried. When he coughs it just sounds awful.”

“I know.”

“His whole body convulses and I’m sure it’s hurting him.”

Mark sighed.

“Sweetheart I know it’s horrible, but we’re doing all we can. It’s just a cold.”

“Just?”

Seb looked at him and Mark rubbed at his face in tiredness.

“I only meant it could be worse. We get colds, everyone gets colds.”

Sebastian pouted and Mark shook his head.

“I don’t want our little boy to be sick any more than you do, but unless we bubblewrap him here at home his whole life he’s going to pick things up. Kids do. It’s unavoidable.”

Sebastian sighed heavily, still pouting, so Mark put his hand on his arm.

“Darling I’m not saying it’s good, but all kids catch stuff and get poorly now and then.”

“I know,” admitted Seb, looking down unhappily.

Mark rubbed over his arm.

“He’ll be alright. I know it’s horrible now, but he will be okay.”

“He’s so quiet.”

Mark raised an eyebrow thinking of the volume of crying they had endured lately.

“I meant not talking, not even trying to,” Seb explained.

“Yeah, well it’s rubbish having a cold. You feel tired and it sucks, but he’s asleep now.”

Sebastian nodded.

“We should sleep too,” prompted Mark.

Seb looked up at him, taking in how tired Mark looked and nodded, going to settle down to get some rest until they were called for again.

  


It still wasn’t dawn when Mark woke up alone again. He hauled himself out of bed and went to seek his missing husband, finding him of course back in the nursery once more, in the same position as earlier, in the chair by the window, Teddy asleep on his lap cuddled into him. This time however, Seb was asleep too, his head slumped to the side against the padded cushion back of the chair. Mark sighed as he leant into the doorframe looking on, pausing there a while before going over.

“Sweetheart,” he whispered, now crouched beside them, “Seb wake up darling.”

Nothing seemed to get through, so Mark put his hand on Seb’s arm and rubbed it.

“Sweetheart wake up, you won’t do here.”

It took another moment, but then Sebastian’s head lifted as he took in a sharper breath, blinking suddenly and jerking slightly as he awoke not knowing where he was. Mark had his hands on Teddy to steady him and Seb was grateful as he looked down.

“Oh, god.”

“It’s alright. I’ve got him. Let me put him down darling.”

Seb wanted to protest, but Teddy was clearly out, so he allowed Mark to scoop him up to return to his cot, stirring slightly as he was laid down before settling again as Mark tucked the blanket around. Seeing their son was alright he turned to look back, seeing Seb stiffly push himself up from the rocking chair.

“How long have you been in here?”

“I don’t know.”

Mark puffed a little breath, but Seb was checking on Teddy again.

“He’s okay,” Mark insisted.

“Hmm.”

“I didn’t hear him wake.”

“I could hear him snuffling so I came through to sort him out.”

Mark nodded.

“I just thought I’d hold him for a bit until he dropped off,” Seb explained.

“Right, well…”

Mark was tempted to say that it might have been better just to put Teddy down to sleep, but he understood why Seb had hung onto him. Instead he simply put his arm around Sebastian as they walked out back to their bedroom, hoping that they might get a bit more sleep before they were woken again. In less than a week now they were due to go away to Seb’s first race back. They just had to hope that their son perked up and got better by then.

 

 

* * *

 

 


	262. Recede to Return

* * *

 

  


The following day Sebastian was due a visit from Dr Phillips making a house call to check up on him in advance of returning to work next week. The doctor had hardly made it past hello though before Seb was asking him to check on his son instead. Seeing that it would clearly be best to reassure him, the doctor agreed, though he prefaced it by reminding them that paediatrics was hardly his area of speciality. Then again on seeing the little boy it wasn’t too hard to spot a cold, so he was able to assure them that all would be well and they didn’t need to worry. Dr Phillips saw how Seb visibly relaxed just to have an extra reassurance and was glad that he could give it, even if he couldn't do much to remedy his son’s illness.

That done Mark took Teddy to play on the carpet while the doctor repeated his checks on Seb and chatted with him on the sofa to see how he was. Although he knew it already, it was reassuring to hear that Dr Roberts at the hospital had passed on the results of her repeated scans to prove that he had the all-clear.

“So Seb we’re all good as long as you feel you are?”

Sebastian nodded.

“I think it will feel good to get going again. I’m looking forward to seeing the guys when I go in to the factory next week.”

“Well I’m glad to hear that, and you’re generally feeling better?”

“I think so.”

“You think so?” frowned Dr Phillips.

“No I mean I am. I think it’ll be good to get back into the swing of things. I’m just a bit tired, sorry. Teddy kept us up.”

“Ah of course, well, hazards of children.”

“Mm.”

“But you’re alright generally?”

“Yeah.”

The doctor nodded and gave him an encouraging smile.

“Well, your readings are much improved if that’s anything to go by.”

“Oh? Right.”

“And Dr Roberts seemed quite happy when I spoke to her.”

Sebastian nodded back, thinking she had seemed pleased that he had done as she had advised and that task completed he had actually been a lot calmer from the off-set. It was good to hear that he had given a positive impression.

“So we’ll have the scans to pass on to the FIA, but you will still need to be checked and cleared by their doctor when we get out to Baku,” explained Dr Phillips.

“Sure.”

“I don’t really have any concerns, but as agreed if you just give me a shout when you arrive on Wednesday, I can pop round and we can go over things from there.”

“Okay.”

“Yes? Really nothing to worry about Seb.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So apart from wiping little noses, what have you been up to this week?”

 

Sebastian sat back a fraction, telling the doctor about how he had been trying to increase his training this week and getting out and about. He knew when he saw Antti on Monday he would be expecting him to step it up even more ahead of his first race in a month.

“I was thinking maybe I might go swimming later, but I’m not sure with Teddy...”

Mark overheard that and turned from where he was sat with their son showing him a picture book.

“Don’t worry about us sweetheart. Have a swim.”

“Are you sure?”

“Course.”

“I’m not sure Teddy should go in.”

“No, well I’ll see if he’ll go down for a nap in a bit.”

“Okay, thanks.” Seb turned back to the doctor. “Sorry.”

“No it’s fine. Also, I appreciate that it is tricky right now, but please do try to make sure you are getting as much rest as possible.”

Sebastian caught Mark’s eye, though he said nothing.

“Right, okay well I’ll try.”

“Do all you can. You want to be in the best possible shape going into the race weekend.”

Seb nodded. Easier said than done, but the doctor meant well.  


  


Once Dr Phillips had gone Seb knew Mark was going to comment on what had been said and it was hard to dispute when it came from an authority.

“Look sweetheart I get it, I know you’re concerned, but you trust me don’t you?”

“Of course I do.”

“So, if we at least take turns at night this weekend and then when we get into the week I take over.”

Sebastian puffed a long breath knowing he couldn't argue.

“I suppose.”

“I’m sure his cold’ll be getting better in a few days,” Mark asserted.

Teddy helpfully sneezed at this point so Mark hitched him up ready to stand.

“Right, why don’t you go for that swim while I see if I can settle him for a nap?”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

Mark leaned in to kiss Seb’s cheek.

“Take as long as you like. I’m just gonna get him to sleep. Okay?”

“Okay.”

He stood and all Seb could really do was copy him, heading off in different directions from the hall. At least swimming meant he could clear his head while doing a decent spell of training. If Teddy slept through it then he supposed he needn’t feel too guilty.

  


  
  


That evening as Mark and Seb sat relaxing after putting Teddy down for the night, Seb found himself not concentrating on the programme on TV, but on the weekend coming after this one. He could hear their son still breathing through his mouth on the monitor, then more coughs came, followed inevitably by crying. As they went back up to console the little boy, Seb stood holding him, looking with concern as Teddy coughed and spluttered, Mark attempting to clear up his nose.

“Poor Schatz,” sympathised Seb. “Do you think we should give him more Calpol?”

Mark puffed a breath. They had been hoping to avoid that and just let him sleep, but perhaps it was necessary to actually allow their son to sleep in the first place.

“Guess so.”

Seb sat with him on the rocking chair as Mark fed Teddy the medicine, Teddy pulling as unhappy a face at that as he had the rest.

“Do you good mate,” assured Mark.

“Daddy’s just helping Liebling,” Seb added. “Swallow it down now.”

Thankfully he did as instructed and after a few more minutes of being comforted, Teddy seemed to settle more.

“There we go,” decided Mark. “Reckon it’s kicking in now.”

Sebastian merely nodded, continuing to look down at their son.

“We should put him down, let him sleep,” Mark prompted.

It felt as though he ought to keep him close, but Seb supposed Mark had a point, so he stood, going to put Teddy back in his cot before they went downstairs.

  


They got comfortable on the sofa again, but Mark could tell Seb’s mind was elsewhere.

“Sweetheart what’s up?”

Sebastian sighed.

“Do you think maybe you ought to stay home with him?”

“What d’you mean?”

“For the race in Baku. If he’s ill I’m not sure Teddy should come. Wouldn't he be better off at home?”

“Darling it’s only a cold.”

“Yes but is it fair to drag him all that way? And for you. If you’re going to looking after him you won’t want to be stuck in the motorhome all day and even travelling. He doesn’t like flying at the best of times.”

“He’ll be fine. It’s a week off anyway. Sure he’ll be better by then.”

“It’s not a week until we leave. It’s four days,” argued Seb.

“We’ll be fine. Don’t you want us with you?”

“Of course I do,” Seb replied, sounding hurt.

Mark turned more towards him.

“Alright, sorry, I know you do. It’ll be alright sweetheart I promise. We’re doing everything we can to help it clear up so I’m sure he’ll be past the worst of it in a few days.”

Sebastian shrugged.

“I just don’t want to be selfish. Teddy’s the priority, not me.”

“You’re _both_ priorities,” Mark countered. “Look, darling don’t be worrying about this. Teddy’s feeling a bit rotten right now for sure, but it’ll pass.”

“What if he gets worse though?”

“Seb it’s a cold.”

 

Mark wanted to argue that Seb was building this up, only making it worse for himself, but as he pouted at him now Mark knew that wasn’t fair.

“Darling if he doesn’t perk up in a few days we’ll go back to the doctor and if she says it’s best he stays home, then fair enough, but I really don’t think that’ll happen.”

Sebastian sagged a little.

“Am I being weird about it?”

“No you’re fretting a bit, but that’s only cos you want the best for our son.”

“I know you do too.”

“Of course, so we’ll both be taking care of him to make sure he is better, then a week from now Teddy and I will enjoy getting to see you back impressing us with how brilliant your racing’s going.”

Seb gave him a half-smile.

“I dunno how good I’ll be.”

“I do,” insisted Mark. “Also thinking about it, it’s warmer and drier over there. If Teddy’s still a bit sniffly that’d probably do him good.”

That made Sebastian pause for thought. A slightly warmer climate surely had to be a positive.

“I spose, yeah.”

“So we’ll be right,” asserted Mark.

Seb let out a long breath and gazed at the monitor again, listening for their son. It was only a cold after all. He was probably blowing this out of proportion. No way would Mark do anything that wasn’t the best thing for their son. Warmer weather and a change of scene, perhaps it would do them all good?

“Okay, sorry.”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“That’s alright.”

He fitted his arm around Seb who cuddled in, putting his head on Mark’s shoulder and telling himself to calm down. As he leaned into him Seb tried to absorb some of his husband’s confidence and positivity. All would be well. He just had to trust in that.

 

As Mark held him in, he in turn thought how much better it was to have Seb with him like this. Though he was being honest in his belief that their son would perk up and get better from his cold, Mark couldn't help thinking of his husband’s return to racing as being something it was essential he was there for. He knew Seb would be nervous returning to the paddock with all the attention he was bound to attract after being away and he wanted to be there to hold his hand, but that wasn’t what made Mark nervous. Illogical as it may be when they hadn’t raced in Azerbaijan back in the day, Mark didn’t want Seb to have to walk into a hotel room in Baku alone. He didn’t want to make a point of it, but there wasn’t a chance Mark was not going to be with him for that. He could cope with Teddy still being a bit grumpy and sniffly while they were away. What Mark couldn't cope with was sitting home. Seb wasn’t the only one to carry worries.

  


  


When Teddy woke them in the night Mark let Seb take first turn looking after him, trying to set an example so that next time around Seb couldn't argue. Of course Sebastian sat up with him as the monitor told them that their son was awake and unhappy again some time around two am.

“My turn,” asserted Mark.

Sebastian sighed, so Mark looked at him.

“He’ll just need his nose cleaning probably, a cuddle, calm down and back to sleep.”

Mark was climbing out of bed but he could see Seb was unconvinced, so he paused to reassure him.

“Sweetheart you trust me, right?”

“Of course.”

“So, there we go. I promise he’ll be fine. Back in a mo.”

  


It was more like fifteen minutes before Mark returned, sagging to see Seb still awake waiting for him. As he climbed back in alongside Mark gave him a look.

“Sweetheart it rather defeats the object if you’re just going to sit up.”

Seb pouted as he lay on the pillow facing him, but Mark knew he had to be a little firmer about this or he would end up worrying Seb was going to be exhausted going back into work.

“Look, I know you’re concerned about him but he’s just grumpy with a cold. It’s no more serious than that.”

“He was coughing too.”

Mark almost smiled as it occurred to him that Seb had lain here listening to the monitor, no doubt hearing him talking to their son to soothe him as well.

“Okay, but all part and parcel.”

“I spose.”

“I don’t like it any more than you do, but it’s not so different to when he’s been teething or after his jabs and that is it?”

“I guess. He just seems younger at the moment.”

Mark stroked over his arm.

“Well when I’ve got man flu I feel a bit of a baby too darling.”

Seb managed a half-smile and Mark placed his hand at his temple as he lay looking at him.

“Are you getting anxious about it?” he enquired.

Sebastian gave a tiny shrug.

“A bit I guess. I know it’s just a cold. I know I’m fretting and being silly.”

“Well no darling, you worry cos you love him, but Teddy’s gonna be alright. Think about it. He was a prem baby wasn’t he? So tiny. Do you remember how light he was, how small?”

“Yeah,” nodded Seb. “Feels like five minutes ago.”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh.

“For me too, but he’s not any more. He was such a little thing, so vulnerable, but he was strong my darling, so strong, and we really had hardly any problems with him when he was such a tiny dot. Think about that. Think what that shows us.”

“That he’ll be okay.”

“Exactly. He’s made of stern stuff our Teddy. And he’s so much bigger now. Think how much stronger and more robust he is. He’s not a baby any more.”

“It feels like he is right now.”

“I know sweetheart, but he’s not. He’s a big rambunctious toddler.”

Seb huffed a tiny laugh.

“I still think you’re making that word up.”

“Quite possibly,” agreed Mark, giving him a little kiss. “Try not to worry. I promise he was perfectly safe asleep when I left him.”

Getting a small nod in reply Mark moved to pull Sebastian closer.

“He’s strong darling. Always has been far tougher than he looks. Just like his papa.”

Sebastian snuggled into him.

“Okay.”

Mark let out a long yawn and Seb could feel tiredness overtaking him too. Time to sleep and to learn to trust that all would be well just as Mark said.

 

They got a good couple hours in before they were woken again, this time Seb taking his go. Once he had sorted Teddy out as best he could, he sat with him in the rocking chair, turning on the iPod to play some gentle music to encourage Teddy to feel calm and ready to go back to sleep, even if he did still feel unwell. Seb had pulled on his fluffy dressing-gown, so he wrapped it around his son as he rocked them back and forth. Teddy was still snivelling, so Seb wiped his face clean with another tissue, then stroked over his hair.

“There now Kleiner, that’s better. Shhh now.”

Teddy coughed his sad phlegmy little cough, so Seb sat him a little higher, rubbing over his back before trying to settle them both once more.

“It’s alright. You’ll feel better soon Schatz.”

“Papa,” murmured Teddy.

“I know, I know.”

 

Sebastian sighed and continued to rock him, finding the music calmed himself as much he hoped it did Teddy. At least he had gone quiet now. Seb wondered what the time was. More early than late now, though it was still pitch dark outside. As Teddy started to drop off Seb watched over him. He knew he was worrying perhaps more than was warranted by a cold, but his son really did feel fragile at the moment. In his heart Seb knew it wasn’t Victorian times and though Teddy was still small with a weaker immune system, a minor illness wasn’t serious. Their son had been seen by not one, but two doctors now, he lived in a warm and clean home, cared for by his parents with every medicine and device appropriate to help him get better. He might not be very hungry at the moment, but Teddy was well-nourished and generally healthy.

“You’re going to be just fine Kleiner,” he assured softly. “I know it feels rubbish now, but you’ll get better. We’ll take care of you and you’ll be alright again.”

Teddy looked up at him for a moment, then his eyes starting to sag closed. Seb’s natural inclination was to sit here with him for as long as needed, to hold his little boy safely in his arms until he went to sleep. As he looked at his son Sebastian thought about how when Mark spoke to him with confidence about how he believed in him and promised with such assurance that everything would be okay, he felt stronger and braver and more able to cope. Mark always told Seb he would be fine, that he could do it, that things would work out and by trusting him, Seb really did feel better. Couldn’t he do the same for their son? Shouldn’t he show more faith in him?

“You’re going to be fine,” Seb repeated calmly. “Now, I’m going to put you down and you’re going to have a nice long sleep to help you feel better and I’m going to sleep so I feel better and then we’ll both be in a better place won’t we?”

He kissed his son’s forehead, then carefully stood, going over to the cot and slowly lowering Teddy in so as to disturb him as little as possible.

“Papa and Daddy love you Liebling. Just rest and everything will be okay.” He tucked the blanket over him and tidied his son’s hair to the side. “Sleep tight till morning.”

 

As he slipped back into bed, Mark stirred slightly, but Sebastian slid a hand over his chest and snuggled close.

“He’s fine Liebling. We’re just gonna sleep.”

Mark turned his head, not properly opening his eyes.

“Mmm.”

Seb rested his head into Mark’s shoulder.

“Just sleep.”

Mark rested his head into Seb’s, more than happy to obey.

  


 

Sunday morning was spent in bed until gone nine, all three of them tired from another disrupted night. Teddy dozed on and off between his parents, resting propped slightly up on the pillows to try to prevent any more nasal drip making his cough worse. Mark and Seb were similarly positioned either side, mugs of tea drunk and abandoned on the nightstands as they too tried to catch up on a bit of rest.

They only got up when their son woke properly, returning to the routine of doing what they could to alleviate his discomfort, trying to make sure he was taking on fluids and attempting to ensure he at least ate something. Only after that did they get anywhere near actually having breakfast themselves. It was a bright day outside so they decided that they could all do with some fresh air, so they took the dogs out for a walk. Seeing as they suspected Teddy might fall back asleep, they went up the lane with him in his pushchair, heading for the farm where there might be things for their son to spot if he was awake.

Teddy was fretful to begin with, but they had made sure he was wrapped up against the cool morning spring temperatures. It did seem to do him some good as he went so quiet that Mark dipped down with him to check the little boy was alright. Seb looked with him to find Teddy sat clutching his toy dinosaur. There were new trails of snot dripping from his nose, but at least he didn’t cry as they tidied him up. Thus encouraged they ploughed on, Seb pushing the buggy as Mark kept Shadow and Simba on leads.

  


When they reached one of the farms whose fields they usually tramped through, Mark lifted Teddy out, holding him high enough to peek over the hedgerow.

“Look Teddy. Can you see the baby baa-lambs?” Mark asked him.

Teddy gazed over to see the lambs with their mother sheep in the field. They seemed to entertain him so they walked on, getting closer to the farmyard itself. They were about to turn around when Sebastian spotted some chickens wandering in the courtyard area just beyond the gate. Going on to look at them Seb tied the dogs’ leads to the drain fixed to the side of the barn bordering the pavement so they were safely out of the way and parked the pushchair up so it didn’t roll away. Mark gave the dogs a very firm look and told them to sit while he and Seb showed Teddy the chickens scratching about in the yard.

“They’re chucks mate,” explained Mark.

“Daddy means chickens,” Seb translated.

Mark huffed a laugh at his German husband being the one to put it into correct English for their son. Teddy found the birds almost as amusing as the lambs, so Mark sat him on the top of the five-bar gate to save his arms while they watched and he and Seb kept hold of him there. They had to clean his nose up a few times, but as long as he was happy, his parents were content to stay a while. Mark and Seb were just playing a game of naming the chickens with their son when a middle-aged woman dressed in wellies, worn jeans and plaid shirt emerged from the barn, coming out onto the yard and spotting them.

 

“Oh sorry,” apologised Seb, about to lift Teddy off the gate.

The woman shook her head and came over.

“That’s alright.”

“He was just looking at the chickens.”

“Of course. Hello little chick are you enjoying saying hi to them?”

“Hi,” replied Teddy.

“Hi,” she smiled back, his parents smiling too at him seeming so perky.

The woman gave them another appraising look.

“Are you Pauline's boys by any chance?”

Mark coughed a laugh at the description he’d heard before, he wondered if that was how they were universally referred to in the vicinity. Then again, it felt rather nice to be the less well-known part of the equation when Pauline was far better established in the local area.

“Yep guess so. We live down the lane.”

She nodded and stuck out a hand.

“Julia Beech. I go to the W.I. with Pauline.”

“Ah I see.”

“I’ve seen you before haven’t I?” she smiled to Teddy, before looking to his parents. “Pauline’s walked him up this way sometimes, says hello if I’m about.”

Mark nodded and glanced to Seb, thinking how Pauline tended to know everyone. Then again she’d lived in the area all her life and seeing as this was Beech Farm, he rather suspected this farmer might have lived here a while as well.

“You’ve probably seen my husband John about in the lane on the tractor,” she commented.

“Oh he loves seeing the tractor go past,” Seb smiled, with a nod to their son.

“Teddy isn’t it chick?” she asked the little boy who was sat at a height to face her.

Mark wanted to laugh at their son being better known than them, but he had no doubt Pauline liked to talk about her young charge with her friends.

“It is,” he confirmed. “And I’m Mark, this is Seb.”

“Hi,” added Seb, only not offering out a hand as he was holding on to Teddy.

“Nice to see you.” She glanced towards the barn. “Would he like to meet my little friends?”

“Your friends?” queried Sebastian.

“I’ve got a couple of orphan lambs I’m hand-rearing in the barn. Would you like to see them?”

“Ooh,” smiled Mark. “Baby baa-lambs Teddy. Shall we say hello?”

 

Sebastian still had a hold of his son. The word ‘orphan’ chimed in a corner of his mind and Seb thought how he would never have wanted that word applied to their son, even if it had been true for a few days at least. Mrs Beech was already holding out her hands to take the little boy though, so Seb let her lift him away. Though she might have seen him before, Teddy was suddenly unnerved at being held by someone else and looked back to his parents.

“Papa Dada!”

“It’s alright mate, we’re coming,” assured Mark confidently climbing the gate and swinging his long leg over without a second thought.

Sebastian did have a second thought, but he couldn’t very well stay on his own, so he followed suit, only looking over to see that Shadow and Simba were still securely tied up a few feet away.

“Back in a minute,” he assured before stepping off into the yard.

Mark had Teddy back in his arms, smiling at him to assure him all was well before the woman led them to a doorway, the top section of the barn door open. She reached over it to slide a lock open and led them over to a straw filled pen where two tiny lambs pottered about.

 

“So this is Shaun and this is Timmy,” explained the farmer pointing to each in turn. She smiled at Seb and Mark. “My great-niece Mia named them,” she stated, as if that explained it.

Mark and Seb nodded, Mark now ducking down to hold Teddy on his knee to have a closer look through the bars. Teddy squealed and clapped his hands as they came over to investigate their visitor, more lively than he had been in days. He reached out a hand towards them but Mark looked to their host.

“Um, he’s got a cold at the moment.”

“Oh they’re pretty sturdy,” she assured.

“His hand are clean,” Seb promised.

The woman nodded and dipped down with them, giving the lambs a stroke to show Teddy what to do. He reached a little hand out to paw at them the same way he did with the dogs, then his eyes opened wider to feel the fleece was quite a different texture to Shadow and Simba’s fur.

“That nice kiddo?” asked Mark.

“Doh!”

Mark chuckled and looked to the woman.

“He thinks everything's dog at the moment.”

“Ah I see.”

 

As they were getting on, the woman looked over to the side.

“I was giving them a feed. There’s some left if he fancies a go?”

“Do you want to feed the lambs Liebling?” asked Seb.

Teddy still seemed keen on the animals, so Mrs Beech went to find the oversized bottle she had stored in a metal bucket over to the side. She showed them how the rubber teat fitted into the eager lamb’s mouth and you held it up to tip the remaining milk down.

“Just like you used to kiddo,” Mark noted.

“Right then Teddy,” she encouraged, “are you going to help me?”

Sebastian moved Teddy’s hands to help hold the bottle, both he and Mark smiling at how fascinated their son seemed as one then the other lamb had a drink. Once the bottle was empty of milk Mrs Beech took the it back while Teddy had a last pet of the lambs before they chose to go and have a rest in the hey.

“Think it’s nap time for them,” Mark commented. “We’d better let them have a little snooze hadn’t we mate?”

Lifting Teddy up they both stood and smiled to the farmer.

“Thank you so much. I think that’s made his day,” observed Seb.

“No problem.”

  


As they walked out the farmer locked the lower half of the barn door again and led them round to the gate where Seb climbed over to take Teddy so Mark could follow. Once Teddy was fitted back into his buggy, they looked back to Mrs Beech who was just shooing away a couple of hens who had strayed too close to where the lower part of the gate was guarded with chicken-wire.

“Go on with you,” she chided, before looking up. “They’d be out like a shot if we opened this. Last time John brought the tractor through this gate we ended up chasing them right down the lane.”

Mark huffed a laugh, picturing the scene.

“Sounds like a challenge.”

“Nightmare,” she agreed.

“We’ll be sure to send them back if any ever get as far as ours.”

“Ha, I’d hope they don’t wander that far. Anyway, I must be getting on.”

“Yep, thanks again.”

“Yes thank you,” added Seb before looking down to Teddy. “Say bye to Mrs Beech Teddy.”

“Bye,” waved Teddy.

She waved back.

“Lovely to meet you. Do say hello if you’re passing. I can’t promise more foundling lambs though.”

“No worries, will do.”

Mark was rescuing the dogs, giving them a stroke for sitting nicely and not getting excited at seeing the chickens so near. With a last goodbye they were heading back the way they came.

 

Mark smiled and shook his head as they walked along.

“You know how long I’ve lived here and I swear I’ve met more locals since Teddy came along than in the past fifteen years.”

Sebastian peered down at Teddy.

“I think he opens doors. People always want to say hello to him.”

“True. You’re very popular mate. Think you enjoyed that little adventure.”

Seb huffed a laugh as he saw that their son’s eyes had fallen closed.

“A bit too much maybe.”

“Ah.” Mark shrugged as he saw the same. “Reckon it’s done him good.”

“Done me good,” Seb remarked, “I always feel better for a nice walk.”

“Me too sweetheart. Well, we’ll see if we can get him down for a nap when we get in and crack on sorting out a nice Sunday lunch, yeah?”

Sebastian nodded.

“Don’t expect farmers get many days off.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“If any.”

 

As they walked on Seb thought about that. He supposed there were worse professions than farming and this was a beautiful part of the countryside to be out in each day, but out they certainly were, come rain, shine, day and no doubt night. Racing was often tough and dealing with the travel and media could be wearing, but Seb appreciated the time he got at home with his family. It was more than many got in other jobs and he was more than generously rewarded. Plus he actually got to race in the best cars in the world. That was a pretty big upside.

“You alright?” checked Mark.

Seb looked back to him.

“Yeah, just… I think I’m quite looking forward to going in to work tomorrow.”

Mark smiled.

“Very glad to hear it.”

  


  


  


The next morning Sebastian felt a rather more nervous as he sat in his car in the factory car-park. It had felt quite familiar to say goodbye to his family on the doorstep at home, kissing both Mark and Teddy on the cheek before setting off, but now he was confronted with the reality of walking back in and seeing all his colleagues again, most of whom he hadn’t seen in nearly a month seeing as Seb hadn’t even got as far as the garage in China. It was hard not to worry about what they thought of him and what he ought to say. He really hoped no one was going to ask too many awkward questions.

Seeing as he was early anyway Sebastian took Dr Menton’s advice from the last time he had spoken to him ahead of today and gave himself a moment to settle. He breathed slowly and told himself that it was okay to be a little nervous after being off. Seb reminded himself what both Henry and Mark had told him; that these were his guys, they were on his side. They only wanted to know he was okay and to help him get ready for the upcoming race weekend. He took one more moment to relive in his mind the warmth of Mark’s cuddle in bed that morning before Teddy called for them, how he had told him that everything would be fine in that wonderfully solid tone Seb found so reassuring. It would be fine. They were his team and they wanted him back. Time to make that step.

He took a deep breath and opened the car door to climb out, pushing out the breath slowly to calm himself before he set off across the car-park, a bright smile fixed on his face long before he reached the front door.

  


  


“So how did you get on then sweetheart?” Mark asked as he stepped back from giving Seb a kiss on his arrival home in the early afternoon.

They were stood in the kitchen, Mark clearing up from Teddy’s lunch seeing as their son couldn't wait until Seb returned.

“Yeah okay.”

“Yeah?”

Sebastian nodded and shrugged.

“I don’t know why I got nervous this morning.”

Mark smiled and rubbed over his arm.

“Perfectly natural. As long as it turned out okay.”

“Yeah it was fine.”

“Right, cuppa and you can tell me all about it?” Mark proposed.

 

Sebastian nodded and took the seat nearest the high-chair to say a proper hello to his son who was currently sat sipping water from his cup.

“Are you alright Liebling?”

“Papa.”

Teddy abandoned his sippy cup and held out his arms, so Seb lifted him out to sit on his knee, kissing the top of his head before looking over to Mark to get an update on how Teddy was doing. Mark made the tea and put Seb’s mug just out of their son’s reach as he informed him how much Teddy ad eaten and slept.

“Still coughing but think the cold’s a smidge better.”

“Oh good.”

“Not streaming anyway, so I think we count that as an improvement.”

“Of course.” Sebastian looked in at Teddy, reaching for his cup so his son could continue drinking now he was sat with him.

“I was asking about you though,” Mark reminded. “How’d it go at the factory?”

Sebastian got a sip of his tea, then began telling his husband about his day.

 

“I mean Christian’s alright anyway.”

“Course.”

“And I just had a brief check-up with the doc.”

“Sure, well he’s just doing his duty darling. He’s already cleared you.”

“Mm, the FIA doc’ll have to do that when we’re out there too.”

“Yeah but it’s just protocol. Doc Phillips seemed happy the other day.”

“No he is.”

“So it’s fine then.”

“He still wants to come and see me when we arrive in Baku.”

“Alright but that’s what you agreed isn’t it?”

“I know.”

“Is it bothering you?”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“Not really I suppose. I mean you’re right. It’s all what we agreed.”

“And he’ll back off once that’s done and he knows you’re all set for the weekend out there. He’ll just be around if needed like he always is really.”

“I guess.”

Mark put a hand on Seb’s arm.

“He won’t be needed though will he?”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head. He had to think positively. Returning to racing was going to be a fresh start, the past left behind. Mark smiled back at him and nodded.

“There we go then.”

“I wasn’t really in there all that long,” Seb assured.

“Good, well...”

“I had a chat with Britta after that.”

“Uh huh.”

“She said she’ll run through the schedule properly tomorrow.”

“Righto.”

“I saw Adrian as well actually.”

“Oh? How’s he?”

“Good yeah.” Sebastian smiled. “It’s funny, he barely seemed to realise I’ve been off. All he was talking about was the updates to the car.”

Mark smiled too. Typical Adrian.

“Ah. He means well darling. I don’t think it’s cos he doesn’t care.”

“No I know. It’s good really. Makes things much more straight-forward.”

Mark nodded, knowing Seb would have been relieved not to have to worry about giving any explanations about himself.

“Sure. Well that’s good. What about the rest?”

“Um yeah I spent a bit of time with the engineers,” Seb explained.

“Uh huh.”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I dunno why I got so worried about it. They just asked how I was then launched into all the strategy for Baku.”

“Best way.”

 

Seb nodded. Why had he got so worked up earlier? All that fretting about how he would excuse being off and explain what had been going on when all he’d got was variations on: “Seb, good to see you, how are you?” and a reply of; “Fine thanks, much better. Good to be back,” had been sufficient to get them back on track without any further ado.

“I popped down to the mechanics bay as well,” he added.

“Good stuff. How was that?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Yeah I just, I dunno, they just asked how I was.”

“Well they care about you.”

“I know. I was worrying what to say, but I just sort of fobbed them off.”

Mark placed his hand over Seb’s where he held onto his mug.

“Darling they’re only being nice. They just want you back.”

“I know. It was just at first.”

“It made you uncomfortable?”

Sebastian puffed a long breath.

“It’s all me. Not them. I just feel like I have to avoid things and I don’t like lying to them.”

“Sweetheart.”

“No I know… I didn’t lie, I just brushed over it.”

“Which is fine. Darling they don’t want a detailed explanation of your medical history. They just want you to be okay and to be back in the garage racing with them again.”

“Yeah I know.”

 

Mark rubbed over his hand as Seb thought about that. He couldn’t think why meeting his guys made him feel so anxious. They’d been nothing but friendly and nice to him.

“We just sortof moved on to talking about the car.”

“Well, that’s best. Was it there?”

Sebastian smiled.

“They had a version in about a thousand pieces, but the race ones should be shipped by now.”

“Ah of course.”

“They were just checking a few things before flying out this afternoon to join the set-up crew.”

“Sure.”

“That’s why I wanted to catch them today. I’m gonna have a go in the sim tomorrow, practise for Baku.”

“Great.”

“I know it’s not really being back in the car, but it’ll sort of feel like it.”

“Sure, well, that’ll be good then. So was that it?”

Seb pulled a face.

“I saw Antti too.”

“Ah.”

 

They looked at one another, both knowing Mark’s ambivalence towards Seb’s trainer. Sebastian shrugged.

“He says I’m a bit out of shape.”

Mark huffed.

“You’ve been ill darling. You’ve had a tough time and he ought to appreciate that.”

“Hmm.”

“And you’ve been training much more last week. You’ve swum pretty much every day, run, walks, been in the gym.”

“I did say that. He just thinks I’m not quite race-fit. He put me through my paces a bit. That’s kinda why I’m later than I thought I’d be.”

“Hm, well don’t take it too much to heart. You’re not out of shape, you’ve just had a bit of time off. I reckon you’ll be fine when you’re back in the car.”

“Hope so.”

“You will. Anyway Baku’s not the fastest track is it?”

“No guess not.”

“You’ll be fine,” asserted Mark confidently.

“Mm, anyway I’m gonna have another session with him tomorrow.”

“Right, well…”

Teddy started coughing, so they were both distracted as Seb lifted him to sit better so he could rub over his back before encouraging him to drink more water. There were more important things to worry about than his silly fretting over what his colleagues thought of him. Maybe he wasn’t entirely race-ready, but he had tomorrow to work more on it and Seb could already tell from Christian that the team weren’t putting too high expectations on him for the weekend. He just had to get back into it and do a respectable job. At least going back into work tomorrow wouldn't be so nerve-wracking.

  


  


  


The next day Seb really did feel more confident going into work. The place was quieter as more of the team had headed out to Baku already, but the initial nerves he had felt walking through the door the day before had eased and he felt far more relaxed seeing people. Getting to run through the race on the sim felt positive, though it did make him think how close he was to actually being there for real. On the upside Seb came away feeling more prepared and his engineer had been very encouraging, so it was good to know he was reasonably on the pace. Antti unsurprisingly was as blunt as ever and unflinchingly pushed Seb to his limits before grudgingly allowing that things could be worse.

  


“Do you think it’s worrying that I’m a bit knackered?” asked Sebastian as he sat at home with Mark afterwards.

“No I think it shows you’ve been working hard.”

“I guess. How’s Teddy.”

Mark smiled and nodded to the monitor on the coffee-table.

“Fast asleep last I looked.”

“I might just go check on him.”

“Sure. Well, why don’t I sort our lunch while you go up and crash for twenty minutes.”

“You didn’t have yours with him?”

“No I thought I’d wait for you.”

Seb leaned in to kiss him.

“Thank you Liebling.”

“Go have a lie down for a bit. I’ll come and get you.”

“’kay.”

  


Once he had assured himself that Teddy was safely asleep, Seb went through to his own bedroom, lying on the bed to stretch out his limbs then letting out a long sigh. That was it now, the next thing would be packing and then flying out and then there he’d be; back in the paddock, back to racing, back to dealing with it all. It did feel better to have broken the ice at least with the team so he didn’t have that initial worry walking back into the garage. Britta had been through his schedule earlier and Sebastian hadn’t missed that she had tried to keep it as simple as possible for him. There was no avoiding the media though. She’d gone through that too, promising they would take some more time to discuss it again when he got out there. Seb knew she would do her best to help him but it was still a worry. No getting away from that one.

He closed his eyes and told himself not to let himself spin up with fears about the questions the press would ask. No good came of worrying. He just had to stay calm and deal with it when it happened. Just as he had in the past. Hardly as if he hadn’t needed to smile through difficult times before, or feed lines that might be at best half-truths in the media pen. He’d cope. He _would_ cope. Britta would be with him. The team would be backing him up, and more important than anything, Mark would be there, at least for when he was done.

Another deep breath and Seb attempted to push all thoughts and concerns away. They were still there, but the unsteadiness he had felt on first coming home had receded. Each step he took helped him feel more his old self. Not perfect yet, not totally at ease, but with increased confidence that he was heading in the right direction as not only all his doctors insisted, but most importantly, Mark too. That said, he really was pretty tired from his exertions earlier. Not just the workout under Antti’s eagle eye, but working his brain too when he was on the sim. It felt far later then two in the afternoon. Best just to get a bit of rest like Mark said. Slow breaths and it would all be okay.  


  


Mark came through from checking on his son to find his husband equally out for the count. He paused in the doorway and smiled at the way Seb was sprawled out like a cat, taking up as much room as possible on their bed. He went to sit beside him, looking down at Sebastian thinking how like their son, he too clearly needed a good rest. Half two now though and surely he had to be hungry? Mark certainly was and if they wanted a nice peaceful late lunch while their son was still napping then they’d better get on with it.

He reached to gently stroke over Seb’s hair, leaning in a little over him.

“Sweetheart.”

Seb moved his head slightly and Mark withdrew his hand.

“Darling do you want some lunch?”

Taking in a deeper breath Sebastian opened his eyes, blinking to look up at Mark.

“Hm?”

Mark chuckled a little.

“Hello sleeping beauty.” He ducked in to give him a kiss. “I was just wondering if you wanted some grub. Sorry for waking you.”

“Oh, right.”

Seb put his hands either side to push himself to sit, scrubbing a hand through his hair.

“I didn’t realise I’d fallen asleep.”

Mark nodded.

“Want me to leave you to it?”

“Hm? Oh no actually I’m kinda hungry.”

“Thought you might be. How’re you feeling?”

Seb took a deep breath, still waking his brain up.

“Yeah, bit zonked to be honest.”

“Mm, know what you mean,” agreed Mark.

Sebastian leaned forwards a little to put his hand on Mark’s arm.

“Oh Liebling I’m sorry. Here’s me being lazy when you were up with Teddy in the night.”

“It’s okay, I had a zzz earlier when Teddy had his morning nap.”

Seeing Seb still looked a little concerned Mark shook his head.

“It’s fine, really. He wasn’t so bad last night. I’m sure he’s perking up a bit now. We had a go on his trike this morning in the garden, so I reckon that has to be a good sign.”

“Okay.” Seb paused. “Is it selfish that I’m glad he’s doing better in time for us going away?”

“What? No sweetheart course not.”

“I mean I do want him better anyway.”

“Course you do. And I’ve been hoping he’d be a bit better before we go too. You’re not fretting about it are you?”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“I dunno. I don’t want it to be harder for you while we’re away.”

“Well neither do I,” smiled Mark, “and I bet if Teddy could tell us, he’d say the same.”

“Okay.”

“C’mon, let’s have our lunch while it’s hot and before a certain young man decides he’s had quite enough sleeping and interrupts us.”

  


  


Later in the afternoon Sebastian came through from have a last conversation pre race-weekend with Dr Menton. It hadn’t been the longest of their calls, more of a pep-talk with Seb feeling at least that he could tell him that this week so far had gone well. As he rejoined Mark with Teddy playing in the nursery, Seb knelt on the floor beside Mark who was supervising their son’s latest artistic endeavours as he sat crayoning at his play table.

“Hey.”

“Oh hey sweetheart. Alright?”

Sebastian nodded, then peered over at the scribbles Teddy was making.

“Very good Schatz. What are you drawing?”

“Papa,” Teddy replied, putting down his crayon to pat at his father's face.

“Is it me?”

Mark huffed a laugh as the both looked at the colourful squiggles.

“Very modern art our lad.”

“Ha, guess so.”

“Think we’re gonna need a bigger fridge to display it all aren’t we mate?”

“Dada.”

“Yep.”

Teddy coughed, so Mark rubbed over his back and passed him his cup so he could have a drink of water.

“There now, that’s better.”

Mark noticed the way Seb was frowning and once Teddy had recovered and was back to crayoning, he turned to him.

“He’s doing better darling.”

Sebastian nodded, but he still seemed a little distracted, so Mark resolved to speak properly with him later.

“Gonna have to take your crayons with us aren’t we Teddy?” he commented.

“We still need to pack,” realised Seb.

Mark smiled.

“Made a start earlier. Meant to say, sorry. Did most of Teddy’s and mine this morning.”

“Oh gosh, sorry Liebling.”

“Nah that’s okay. Good to be busy. I’ll give you a hand with yours later unless you want to do it now?”

“Umm.”

“If you wanna give it a crack now and we can finish up after he’s in bed?”

“Are you sure?”

“Course.”

“I’ll do it quickly as I can.”

Mark just nodded as Seb left them, feeling slightly guilty to be off on his own again.

  


Half an hour later he was back, having done what had to be the most rushed version of packing he could recall for some time. Seb didn’t want to waste any more time than he had to on it when he could be spending the last of the time they had at home with his family. Returning to the nursery, Seb found that Teddy had grown bored of colouring and sat on the floor with Mark looking through the pictures of one of his favourite books, patting each one as his father read the words. Seb merely sat with them to listen, only really speaking when they reached the end.

“Bedroom’s a bit of a tip sorry. I need to finish off later.”

“Sure. No worries, we can double-check our lists, make sure we’ve got everything.”

Seb nodded. Both of them knew that the checklists were mostly his, but he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight unless he was sure they had everything they needed with only a few last minute bits and bobs they couldn't include until they were almost ready to go.

  


  


Once Teddy was down that evening the pair of them sat on the floor of their own bedroom, checking Seb’s list and adding a few extras and taking out the odd excess item they could live without. Spare hoodies and t-shirts were strewn about the carpet as Seb tried to decide which of Mark’s he wanted to take with him.

“Sweetheart we’ll just stick it in mine,” offered Mark as Seb tried and failed to get his suitcase closed.

“Are you sure?”

“Yep. Here.”

Mark took the extra hoody and wedged it into his own case, sitting on it to get it zipped closed.

“There. Job’s a good’un.”

“Thank you Liebling.”

“No worries. Shall I sit on yours? I’m heavier than you.”

He obliged as Seb succeeded in shutting his suitcase, then the pair of them sat back surveying the room.

“Better tidy up.”

Sebastian was busy consulting his lists.

“We’ve still got Teddy’s extras to add.”

“In the morning. We know where they are.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

Mark looked at him and Seb nodded. They set about tidying up after themselves, then put the cases and bags over to the side.

“Shall we put them in the hall ready to go?” wondered Seb.

 

Knowing that meant Seb would rather they did, Mark nodded, so they started ferrying things down, arranging everything near the front door so they only need pick it up to put in the car. Mark knew Seb would still want a last check through in the morning, but to his mind they’d done all they could for now.

“Right sweetheart, think that’s us. Shall we just have a little relax, then an early night?”

“God yeah, I think I’m really gonna sleep tonight.”

Mark smiled, hoping Teddy was of the same opinion.

“Tell you what, why don’t we have some of your special hot-chocolate to help send us off?” he proposed.

“Not sure Antti would approve.”

“Antti isn’t invited.”

Sebastian smiled.

“I spose we have earned it.”

“Course we have. Right. I’ll go grab the monitor. Back in a tick.”

 

 

Soon enough they were ensconced on the sofa, the dogs at their feet, the baby monitor broadcasting the sound of their son sleeping while Seb and Mark leaned in together as they sipped from their mugs. On the television there played one of the selection of DVDs they had to choose from; always one of a variety of non-threatening films and television series, comedies and documentaries, pretty much every Disney animation available or action and thrillers subtly limited to those where the violence was never too real or too personal. Seb had never noticed the way that Mark had long ago quietly ditched any he judged potentially problematic. It just wasn’t worth the risk of Seb being unsettled or upset by anything that might touch a nerve. All they both wanted from an evening’s viewing was to be entertained or to relax, usually both if possible. Tonight it was definitely the latter that was required.

“It really is good stuff sweetheart,” judged Mark, as he sipped his hot chocolate.

“Thanks. We’re allowed a treat aren’t we?”

“Course we are.”

Sebastian settled himself more into Mark, balancing his mug against his chest before letting out a long sigh.

“You alright?” checked Mark.

“Mm, just, I dunno, feels like it’s come up quickly now.”

Mark nodded and slipped his arm around him.

“We’ll be alright.”

“Yeah.”

“You worrying?”

“I’m just a bit nervous. Not with the team. I’m glad I’ve been in and I think once I get going driving and stuff I’ll be okay.”

“Sure. Media?” guessed Mark.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Mark puffed a long breath. “Not much changes does it?”

“I spose not.”

“You’ll handle it darling. You always do. It might not be the most fun part of the weekend, but you’ll get through it.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark gave him a squeeze.

“You will. Cos you’re a pro.”

Seb huffed a laugh and looked to him.

“Are you saying I’m a good liar?”

“A good actor in front of the camera, when need be. And sometimes it is needed. Don’t go feeling guilty about it.”

“I guess.”

“Anyway you’re not gonna lie, you’re just giving them an edited version.”

“Hmm.”

“And that lot have no right to any more. Okay?”

Mark was looking at him firmly and it did make Seb feel better.

“I spose once I’ve got through Thursday I’ll feel better.”

“Course you will. And you’ll be back to doing your real job out on track, working with the team, getting stuck in like normal.”

“Thank you.”

“Just saying it like it is.”

 

Sebastian took in a deeper breath and set down his mug to rest properly into Mark who copied him so he could give Seb a cuddle.

“It will be alright sweetheart. I promise.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Mark kissed Seb’s forehead and felt him relax against him as Seb thought about how his husband never lied to him. He knew that his promise was based on faith in him and the unsaid vow accompanying it that whatever happened Mark would help make it okay. Even if facing the press was horribly uncomfortable Seb would have Mark to go back to. Even if he slipped up under the stress of it, Britta would help straighten things out and even worst case scenario, if the media attention was hellish and he even stuffed up on track, then Seb knew he would still have this. So in the end it would be alright, just as Mark said. The rest could fall apart and it wouldn't be the most important thing.

Seb closed his eyes and listened to the faint sound of their son sleeping, wondering if it was optimism that made him think it sounded slightly clearer than of late. He concentrated on the warm solid feeling of Mark’s body as he rested into it, his arm holding him in so reassuringly. He felt tired again, more in mind than body. Leaning into Mark he instinctively fell into sync with his steady breathing and let everything else slide away.

 

Five minutes later Mark angled his head to look and smiled to see that Seb was asleep. Perhaps it was all the work he had done this week topped off with worrying about their son, or perhaps it was dealing with the anxiety Mark knew Seb still carried going back to racing. Or maybe it was simply the hot chocolate. Either way he needed the rest. Mark hoped the media weren’t going to be too brutal this weekend. He knew Seb could handle a lot, but Mark didn’t want him to have to, especially after all he had been through lately. He left it a while, then though that while it was nice to sit holding Seb close like this, Mark was pretty tired too and it might be rather nicer to reassemble this cuddle in bed.

“Right sweetheart, think it’s bedtime.”

“Huh?”

Sebastian jerked his head up to see Mark smiling at him.

“Time for bed,” Mark repeated.

“Oh. Was I asleep?”

Mark huffed a laugh and kissed him.

“Just a little bit. I will be too at this rate, so let’s go up.”

  


  


  


Before they knew it they were loading bags and cases into the car ready to go, then unloading them to be put on the plane and loading themselves for the five hour flight over Europe to the fringes of the Caspian Sea. Teddy wild about being fixed into his seat and he was even less happy when they took off. As soon as he could Seb lifted him out to sit with them, the steward now well rehearsed putting on a Disney film to help things along.

It did as intended and encouraged Teddy to settle, but he was still coughing, so Mark went to ask for some water and fed him sips of it to soothe his throat.

“He still sounds phlegmy,” observed Seb.

“Mm, well I guess it’ll take a while to clear.” Mark gave Teddy a smile. “At least we’re not so snotty now.”

Teddy merely looked at him for a second before resting into Seb’s chest the better to concentrate on the bright colours of the animation playing out on the screen in front of them. Although it was early for his morning nap, their son seemed to associate the plane with sleeping so it wasn’t too long before he dropped off. Seb put him down in his flight cot then sat back down with Mark, huffing out a long breath.

“Alright?”

Seb nodded and arranged himself to rest comfortably into him. They continued to watch the film, content enough as they were until all of a sudden, Seb sat forwards and totally out of the blue, loudly sneezed, only just snatching out a tissue in time. As he sat back he looked to Mark in surprise, then hurriedly turned away again to sneeze twice more in rapid succession.

“Oh no,” sighed Mark.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes of course feeding the lambs is an incident lifted straight from my own childhood if you're wondering.


	263. Honestly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow update, sorry, everything a bit hectic going into Christmas I'm afraid, my bad.

* * *

 

 

Sebastian sat on the step of the motorhome looking out. It wasn’t the RedBull motorhome, nor even Porsche’s. It wasn’t a team motorhome at all, but their own (rented, but still theirs). A real motorhome in the proper sense, even if a particularly large and luxurious kind. Nor too be fair had they motored it here themselves. All that had been done for them. When they arrived in Le Mans Seb had been bringing Teddy to join Mark who was already here, the motorhome set up in advance, water and power connected, good to go.

Not that it felt like any kind of home Mark said, until they were all there. Right now he was working with his team on preparations for free practice on the following day. There had seemed little point in Seb dragging Teddy down to hang around waiting for him while he worked, so instead Sebastian sat here in the warm June sunshine, watching their son toddling about playing on the grass enjoying himself with some of the toys they had brought. As Sebastian gave Teddy a wave he smiled as his son waved back before contentedly resumed stroking his toy dinosaur in front of him as if it was one of the dogs which sadly had to stay home.

 

Seb rested into the doorframe watching on, thinking how nice this felt. Though in the area assigned to drivers who wished to have motorhomes like them, it felt nicely separate from the slightly manic atmosphere of the circuit, well away from the fairground attractions and the race-goers’ camping areas. The organisers clearly understood that competitors needed their rest and it was peaceful and calm in this grassy enclave, even more so right now whilst most were off working.

A little while ago one of the wives of a driver Seb didn’t even know had come over for a little chat while Seb had sat playing with Teddy on the grass, bringing her coffee over to talk to him, introducing herself without seeming to be the least affected by already knowing who Seb was. It felt far more natural than the usual hotels Seb spent his half life in and he was already resolved to talk to Mark about finding a way to make similar arrangements for as many of the remaining European races as they could.

Teddy pushed himself up and tottered over to his father, Seb swinging him up to sit on his knee, giving him a kiss and a cuddle before his son restlessly wriggled about to be set down to go play again. It felt safe here, free. Though Sebastian was never going to go into a race weekend for his husband without concerns, so far things did seem to bode well. He glanced up towards a few whispy clouds floating across the blue sky and let out a long breath.

All this felt like such a long way from his disastrous early part of his season. Even Montreal from Seb’s race on the weekend just gone felt a long way off, not just physically, but psychologically distant only a couple of days later. Fourth wasn’t the best result, but it could have been worse. Right now looking at his son, Seb was more concerned with the fact that leaving Teddy with his parents for two nights between Mark leaving to come here and Seb returning from Canada had gone largely without a hitch. Seb knew that when his mother said Teddy had fussed a little that meant he had missed his parents, but it had really only been the Sunday he had been completely without them and when Sebastian Facetimed before the race Teddy had seemed happy enough. Plus of course he knew he could trust his parents, particularly his mother to look after him. So at least they knew they had that back-up now as an option should they need it in future.

 

Sebastian saw Teddy looking his way again so he stood and went to sit opposite him, petting the toy dinosaur the same as his son.

“Papa.”

“Yes Schatz?”

“Dog.”

Huffing a laugh Seb stroked the toy once more. They’d progressed to ‘dog’ from ‘doh’ lately, but at nearly eighteen months old every animal was still a doggie to Teddy whether it was actually a cow, a horse, or indeed a stuffed dinosaur.

“Yes Liebling, very good.”

“Good!”

“Ha, very good Kleiner!”

“Good.”

Sebastian scooped his son up and kissed him.

“Aren’t you clever Liebling? You’ve getting so good at talking now.”

“Good.”

Seb chuckled again. Once you got a word you got it a lot.

“Papa?”

His son was trying to turn, so Seb helped him so they could look properly at one another.

“Yes Teddy?”

“Papa.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Daddy bye.”

Seb smiled. Mark had been overjoyed when they first heard dada develop into daddy, just as they referred to him to their son.

“Yes Liebling, Daddy had to go bye-bye for a bit.”

“Bye.”

Teddy waved, so Seb waved back, knowing how frustrated their son became if you didn’t do that as he understood you were meant to.

“Yeah, bye for a little bit. Daddy’s working Teddy, he’ll be back later.”

“Daddy bye.”

“Daddy bye for now, then he’ll say hi when he comes back.”

“Daddy hi.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Yep, that’s it. Daddy hi when he comes back.”

Teddy waved, then frowned and looked around him searching for his daddy, pouting when he was nowhere to be seen. Sebastian sighed, worrying he had raised his hopes.

“Oh I’m sorry Liebling. Not just yet. Daddy has to work. He’s going to be very busy while we’re here, but he’ll be with us as much as possible.”

Teddy was still frowning, clearly not comprehending, so Seb merely kissed his forehead and reached over to pick up his toy to offer him.

“Here we go Schatz, cuddle Dino.”

“Cuh.”

“Yeah.”

 

While little Teddy consoled himself by attempting to squeeze the stuffing out of his poor dinosaur toy, Sebastian rested his cheek into his son’s blonde hair. It needed cutting again, but he looked so cute with it a little longer like this Seb was tempted to wait. He was just thinking about whether more sunscreen was required and if he ought to find either Teddy’s sunhat or a spot of shade to sit in, when the little boy let out a longer breath and leaned more into him.

“Are you tired Liebling? Been a busy couple of days hasn’t it? I think you could do with a nap.”

He managed to stand, then carried his son into the motorhome where his travel cot was set up in the living area. In many ways it was a lot like the hotel rooms they tended to have; a large if narrow living area with sofas, TV, dining table and kitchen area complete with all mod-cons, decent sized bathroom, then at the end the bedroom with a bed that was almost bigger than their one at home, even if it did take up most of the space in there. When he had shown them around on arrival, Mark had laughed that it was more luxurious than their own home. Perhaps a little cramped for more than a few days, but while they were here it would do them nicely.

As Seb put Teddy down in his cot the little boy sat looking up at him.

“Papa.”

“Just have a little nap Teddy.”

Teddy pointed at his feet.

“Sogs.”

“Socks?” frown Seb. “You want socks on? Are your feet cold Liebling?”

Teddy was simply wearing shorts and t-shirt for playing in. Seb hadn’t bothered with socks seeing they’d only get dirty on the grass and their son usually delighted in being barefoot whenever possible. Nonetheless he looked in one of the drawers they were using for his clothing and turned around to see Teddy now stood holding onto the side of the travel cot.

“Up Papa.”

Little arms were raised upwards in expectation, so Seb did as requested.

“Hmm, okay.”

He lifted him back out and sat on the sofa to pull socks onto his son’s feet. Teddy let him, then frowned at them and promptly pulled them off again to throw onto the carpeted floor.

“Oh Teddy. What was that for?”

He hung onto him and reached to grab the socks back, returning them to his son’s feet, then quickly putting him back in his cot before Teddy decided this was a fun game to play.

“Have a little sleep Schatz, then hopefully Daddy will be back.”

“Daddy.”

“Yeah. Lie down now Teddy.”

“Tehdee.”

Sebastian chuckled and ducked down to look his son in the eye where he now sat in his travel cot.

“Yes. You’re Teddy. Our little boy.”

“Tehdee.”

Seb leaned in to kiss him.

“Good boy.”

“Good.”

“Yes. Good Teddy.”

“Good Tehdee.”

“Mm, well good Teddy needs to have a little nap now Liebling. Be a good boy for Papa and lie down.”

Seb mimed lying down, putting his hands together by his angled head and his son comically tried to copy that. He sighed, then lay down on the floor to get him to copy that, wondering why this was so difficult when his son had naps every day at home. As he lay on the carpet feeling mildly ridiculous, Seb looked over and saw Teddy lying down looking out through the cot’s mesh panel at him with a distinct cheeky smile on his face. Seb shook his head, trying not to smile too, though he knew Mark would when he told him.

“Scamp,” he whispered.

 

Leaving it a minute seemed to do the trick, so Seb sat up, only for Teddy to do the same. Sebastian sighed and stood looking in at him.

“No Liebling you lie down and nap or you’ll be all cross later.” He gave him a firm look, convinced his son understood more than he always let on. “Lie down now.”

He reached in to start tucking the thin summer blanket around him and Teddy finally seemed to click that despite the odd setting he had to do as he usually did. He wasn’t asleep, but Sebastian guessed that giving him too much attention would only have a negative effect, so he gave him a smile and assured him he would be close by, then went to make a cup of tea, resuming his earlier position sat on the motorhome steps, leaning against the doorframe so he could feel outside but only needed to turn to be able to see his son if he heard anything.

 

Seb had half expected Teddy to fuss to get his attention, but all was quiet so he risked leaning inwards to peek over, only to see his son through the cot’s mesh panel was plainly fast asleep, limbs spread out indicating the little boy had been more tired than he had realised. That was something of a relief, so Sebastian sat back, sipping at his tea and gazing out.

He wondered how Mark was getting on, if he would be able to come back before too long or if he would get an apologetic text saying they had lots more preparation work to do. He hoped it wasn’t selfish to hope not. With Teddy in tow Seb knew he wouldn't be able to hang out in the garage all week like he used to in the past. Little visits at convenient times just as Mark did with him, then lots of waiting around, either here or in the Porsche base. He knew the deal.

In fairness that was precisely what Mark did when he brought Teddy to the F1 paddock for Seb’s races. Baku, Spain, Monaco. Only in Canada had Seb been alone. That had been okay though. He had felt back in the swing of things by then and Montreal was a pleasant enough place to be. Lewis had invited him round to hang out with him in his hotel room on the Friday night and it had been fun to feel free of responsibilities for once, even if Seb had called home beforehand. Mark had held his phone above the cot to show Teddy asleep and Sebastian had felt a little guilty at missing his bedtime, but it couldn’t be helped. It was hopefully a one-off weekend and Teddy had coped pretty well at being left with his Oma and Opa, even if he had been clingy when Seb got home.

 

Mark deserved his time in the sun now. After getting through his return to the F1 circus in Baku, Seb had felt relief to step into the supporting role for Mark’s race at Spa the week after. Once he had got over that however, Sebastian had realised belatedly just how much Mark did for him looking after Teddy at races and how much work it was to occupy a little boy in spaces not designed for him. As it was Mark always joked that race paddocks ought to have créches attached. Seb certainly had moments during the weekend in Spa where that didn’t sound such a bad idea, at least a playroom where he could take Teddy would have been appreciated.

When Seb had been dealing with their son throwing a tantrum in the Porsche base for no reason other than Mark leaving to go work, it had certainly not been the ideal place to be. All the stares from other occupants had left Seb feeling no choice but to hole up in Mark’s tiny room out of the way. It was of course pouring with rain outside taking away any other option while Teddy flung himself onto the floor wailing until he wore himself out.

Thank god they had more privacy and space here. Seb hoped this good weather stuck. That would mean one less thing to worry about with Mark on track as well, but it would also give them outdoor space for Teddy to play and use up his energy and hopefully prevent too many more tantrum incidents. Seb hadn’t wanted to make Mark feel bad about returning to work, especially after he had been so supportive of Sebastian with all he had endured of late. Mark had seemed so happy to resume his racing, all Seb had said in Spa was that Teddy had calmed down after he had gone, which was true, if a toned down truth.

 

 

Seb wondered if he ought to feel guilty about the amount of toned down truths he told. Not to Mark. He justified that one by telling himself that was about protecting Mark from worrying about their son and feeling guilty himself about returning to work. Teddy really _had_ calmed down once he had got it out of his system. The larger toned-down truths had been told in Baku, mostly to the media, though really to anyone who had enquired how he was doing. Seb felt bad about the times that had been to friends like Dan or Lewis, but he just couldn't face tangling himself up trying to explain more without telling the whole story about what had occurred in China and of course he could never do that.

So many anxious thoughts had crowded Seb’s mind as he re-entered the F1 paddock in Baku; What was everyone thinking about him? What rumours and gossip had been flying about?

For all Britta had played it down, Seb knew the paddock too well not to know that there would have been speculation aplenty while he was off. Mark had held his hand, Teddy confidently hoisted in one arm while Seb controlled their packed pushchair with his spare hand so he could hang on to Mark with the other. It might have looked an odd arrangement to anyone watching, but Seb didn’t care. Britta had walked in front of them, acting as line-backer to ensure no one approached them who shouldn’t so they could make it to the RedBull base without being hassled.

 

It had been early on the Thursday morning when they arrived, a long day ahead, the paddock still in set-up mode ahead of the weekend, but Seb’s heart had begun pounding long before they went through the security gates at the entrance. He couldn’t have done it without Mark there to support him. Even as they arrived at the hotel the day before Seb had realised how true that was. For all his assurances that if Teddy was still suffering with his cold Mark could stay home, Seb was grateful he was with him.

Now as they walked along, seeing the familiar sights of various team-members rushing about making their preparations, Sebastian appreciated the reassurance of that strong hand enveloping his own. Even when it couldn't be right there, Seb knew he would still feel it; the last squeeze accompanied by final reassuring words from his husband, the little smiles and cuddles from their son who had no idea of his father’s concerns. All of that went with Seb to bolster his confidence, to boost his smile when the cameras were pointed at him.

 

The first occasion he had to face them was on home ground, deliberately arranged by the team so that Sebastian’s initial contact with the media was their own press conference in the RedBull base. He knew it was designed so that Britta and the rest of the PR team could control the situation and Seb had been well briefed in advance, but as he sat on the little stool, microphone in hand facing the distinctly busy room full of journalists and TV interviewers, his stomach did a nervous flip and he wished Mark was beside him, holding his hand for real rather than tucked away in his room supervising their son having his late morning nap.

“Sebastian it’s good to see you back,” began one.

The nerves hidden beneath the apparently confident smile, Seb nodded to them.

“Thanks.”

“You missed two races, so your team must have considered things serious for you to be away so long. Can you explain exactly why that was?”

Sebastian hid a sigh. Britta had warned them all he wasn’t going to go into detail. She had reassured him that he had no duty to answer such questions and Britta looked unimpressed at the reporter posing it now, but that didn’t really help when Seb was the one faced with coming up with an answer.

“It was just precautionary really. Particularly with the two races being back-to-back. It was bad timing.”

He hadn’t really answered the question and Seb knew it, the reporter knew it and so did Britta, but she indicated to one of the PR assistants working the room to pass the microphone on.

“Seb, sorry to harp on,” they picked up, “but to be clear, you have now been cleared by the FIA to race this weekend?”

“Yep.”

 _Or I wouldn't be here,_ thought Seb.

“So, sorry, I wasn’t entirely clear reading the team statement, you suffered a concussion in China, or not?”

“No it was just precautionary.”

“But you did pass out.”

No point denying it he supposed. Sebastian took a sip of his drink on the little table set bedside him.

“Yes.”

“And you were hospitalised overnight as a result?”

“Yes.”

“So what happened exactly?”

 

Sebastian’s stomach turned over and for a moment he felt genuinely sick. He hoped to god it didn’t show on his face, but Seb had a terrible urge to run from the room, to get to Mark as fast as possible and to hide in his arms until this all went away. He wished Mark were at least stood at the back of the room so he could look at him. That wasn’t fair though. Seb wasn’t a child. Their son needed Mark more than he did so Seb would just have to brave this out. Somehow.

He caught Britta’s eye and tried to remember all her advice going into this. Taking another sip of his drink to cover the pause to compose himself, Seb made sure his body-language signalled he had nothing to hide. A lie in physical form to help the ones coming from his mouth.

“I felt unwell and passed out shortly after I arrived in Shanghai so I was taken to hospital as a precaution. They kept me in overnight to check a few things, then let me go home.”

The journalist was about to ask another question when Sebastian hurriedly turned his head and sneezed into a tissue grabbed from the box also on the table beside the mug and bottle of water. Yesterday Dr Phillips had ended up spending his time during his check-up advising Seb on how to deal with a cold on a race-weekend, giving him a sinus inhaler which only seemed to make him sneeze more, but in theory ought to stop the virus in its tracks. Having sneezed a couple of times now Seb blew his nose, then took another drink from his mug before looking back to his audience.

“My apologies.”

“You still seem to be suffering Sebastian,” noted the journalist. “Is it the flu?”

It was tempting to say so, to make an easy lie and let them all think that was why he had passed out, but whilst Seb could justify to himself telling lies of omission to avoid painful subjects, he couldn’t bring himself to out and out tell complete untruths.

“Just a cold, thanks.”

“You’re okay to race though?”

“Yep I’m sure I’ll be fine. Glad to be back.”

 

Somehow the microphone was passed on and another person got their turn.

“Sebastian, as a keen racer it must have been hard to be away for so long.”

“Um, well, as I say it was just unfortunate timing that they were back-to-back races.”

“So that’s why you missed two?”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that was on medical advice?”

“Yes.”

“Based on what exactly?”

Sebastian sipped his drink again. Stick to the script, don’t overthink it.

“Well because I passed out the doctors advised caution to be sure.”

“To be sure you didn’t have concussion?”

“Mm,” nodded Seb.

“But you didn’t?”

“Nope, but they wanted to be sure.”

“So which doctors were these? The FIA?”

“Not exactly. I only saw the FIA docs to be cleared here.” Seb glanced to Britta. “This would be my team doctor, the doctors from the hospital in Shanghai and then my doctor back home.”

“In England?”

“Yes at the hospital there.”

“So was it the same doctor who treated you after your accident?”

“Yes.”

 

He saw a little rumble go through the gathered audience at that. Seb wondered precisely what they were taking from it, but the next question rather hinted what he guessed.

“Just to clarify Seb; you were back in hospital in England being treated by the same doctors who treated you after your accident in 2015?”

“Yes, well, the same doctor, the same specialist.”

“So you how long were you in for?”

“Sorry?” frowned Seb.

“How long were you in hospital for when you came home?”

It took a moment, then Sebastian realised what they meant.

“Oh sorry, I wasn’t staying in hospital back home, I was just visiting as an out-patient a couple of times.”

“Ah I see, and why was that?”

“Just to run tests. I think it was in the statement that the team put out.”

“So they were concerned you had a concussion?”

“It was just precautionary,” Seb repeated, already aware that he was going to be using that phrase a lot this weekend.

“So you don’t then?”

“No.”

“Okay, but they must have been concerned. Is this because of your accident a while back?”

 

Sebastian took in a deep breath. He was walking a line here. Another sip of his drink and a wipe of his nose before he answered.

“I guess. Certainly they wanted to be sure there was nothing.”

“And there was?”

“Sorry?”

“There was no indication of a problem? With all the tests they ran.”

“Oh, no.”

“So you’re not concerned it could re-occur?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“You’re not concerned that if the tests showed nothing, why you collapsed in China.”

 

That sent a chill through Sebastian, more so than the cold in his system. The warm drink was a help and he was glad Britta had arranged it. Not only as a prop, but the comforting feeling drinking it gave him, the warmth soothing not just his throat, but spreading throughout his body, filled with nerves as it was. He thought about Mark and his hug before he came here, his calm assurances. Just as Mark said, he had to remember that they didn’t have a right to all of him. They only wanted a story. All their enquiries, they weren’t honest concerns. They were intrigued about a little mystery, but they had no right to know everything, no right to know the depths of his pain, no right to know the truth, not the whole truth.

“I’m very glad the tests showed nothing,” Seb replied entirely honestly.

“Of course, forgive me I meant did they show that it was unconnected to your previous injuries?”

“They showed nothing out of the ordinary,” Seb confirmed. “Which is good, obviously.”

“But they were concerned that it could be?”

“Could be what?”

“That it could be connected to your accident.”

Sebastian tried to hide a sigh. This was such hard work.

“It was just precautionary.”

 

Another questioner. He had to repeat his enquiry due to the fact Seb sneezed midway through. Seb hoped what ever the doctor had given him was going to work. He had warned him it was strong stuff, certainly nothing they could have given young Teddy to clear up his cold, but Seb needed to be rid of his as soon as possible, even if it was a bit of a shock to his sinuses.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised.

“I was asking if you had been cleared by the FIA to race this weekend even though you are still unwell?”

“It’s just a cold.”

“Is that what the drink is for?”

Sebastian smiled, relieved to have an easy answer, he took a sip to demonstrate.

“Just honey and lemon in hot water. Nothing exciting. I’m already feeling much better actually.”

That wasn’t entirely untrue, if he compared how he felt now to how he felt a couple of weeks back, Seb certainly felt considerably better. The physical effects of a cold weren’t pleasant, but dosed up by Dr Phillips he was sure he was heading off the worst of it and it was nothing to what he had suffered after China. All things were relative.

 

He felt himself dancing around the questions, knowing he wasn’t giving them what they really wanted. Seb could sense they guessed he was evading them, but even with all Britta’s advice, how could he do otherwise? Tell them he had a panic attack after walking in on his worst nightmare? Tell the world the horror he had felt of realising where he was and the awoken repressed memories it unlocked which nearly caused him a breakdown, maybe did to some extent. Something he couldn’t tell his own family.

If they knew that then perhaps as human beings they might understand, but of course Sebastian couldn't even begin to hint at all that. So instead he had to view the media not perhaps as the enemy, but certainly as a challenge to be overcome. Something else he had to endure and survive. What Mark told him he was so good at. What Dr Menton assured him he was more capable of than anyone he knew. Sometimes Seb himself didn’t know how he did it other than the fact he had to, and given no choice, somehow he found a way. He danced the dance, he smiled the smile, he found words, he gave them something, even if it wasn’t entirely what they wanted. It was something.

  


When he got back to his room Mark leapt up to give him a hug, looking at Seb with concern as he stayed pressed in.

“How did it go? Are you alright?”

Seb lifted away to look at him.

“Yeah I’m okay.”

“Come and sit down.”

Sebastian sat beside him on the bed, looking in at their son asleep in his pushchair tipped back as far as possible.

“How’s Teddy?”

“Fine. Well, still coughing a bit, but we’re talking about you,” insisted Mark. “You look pale darling.”

Sebastian sagged a little, wondering how that had been interpreted by those watching and judging him. He did feel a little tired.

“Can we lie down?”

“Seb what happened? I wished I could have been there.”

“I know Liebling. It’s okay. I could just do with a lie down for a bit.”

He pushed off his shoes and Mark did as he requested, lying squashed on with him as they always had in the past. When Seb had developed a cold on the way out here there was a part of Mark that had wanted very much to turn the plane around, but he knew Seb wouldn't hear of it, so now he had this to deal with on top of everything else.

“How’re you feeling?” he checked.

“Just a bit rubbish. I’ll be okay.”

“Hmm.”

“I just need a rest.”

 

Mark nodded. Ideally that rest would be at home, but if it was going to be tricky missing two races it would be a hell of a lot worse missing three. He put his arm around Seb, and with a quick glance back to be sure their son was safe, Mark concentrated on his husband.

“They weren’t too much were they? The press.”

Sebastian sighed, almost too tired to talk about it, though he knew Mark needed reassurance.

“Just going on a bit. I know it’s cos I didn’t really answer.”

“About?”

“Why I was off.”

Mark puffed a breath.

“It’s none of their business.”

Seb huffed a tiny laugh.

“You wanna go in there and tell them all that?”

“Yes.”

Mark gave him a half smile, but it really _was_ what he wanted to do. And assuming Teddy was well out of earshot Mark might use a few other choice epithets to make it clear to the media that they should leave his husband alone. Anyone pushed him too far this weekend and Mark would be another one having to work hard to not say what he shouldn’t. He hugged Seb in a bit more, feeling defensive and protective.

“Forget it,” he asserted, “all the next day’s chip wrappings anyway.”

“I think it’s mostly online nowadays,” noted Sebastian.

“You know what I mean.”

“Mm.”

“Sweetheart don’t let them get to you. It’s not important. You’re here to race. All the rest is just a sideshow. I refer the honourable gentleman to my previous answer.”

“Huh?”

Mark smiled.

“It’s what they say in parliament here when they don’t want to say anything more to repeated questions. To blow them off in a polite way.”

“Oh.” Sebastian looked at him. “I spose we do have to be politicians a bit.”

“Nah, you’re too honest for that.”

Sebastian sighed.

“I don’t feel very honest. I feel like I spent that last half hour avoiding being honest.”

Mark glanced over his shoulder to be sure Teddy was still asleep, then looked back to Seb.

“Bollocks to them.”

“Mark.”

“He’s asleep. So bollocks to them darling. They don’t matter. Their nosy questions don’t matter. You don’t owe them any more than you choose to give them. So yes my darling, if they poke their noses in too much and they’re getting to you, just say bollocks to them.”

“In my head.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“You can say it out-loud for all I care.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Not sure that’d help. Might feel good though.”

Mark smiled.

“It’d give them something else to write about.”

That earned a little laugh and Mark was glad of it.

 

“Taken ill just sounds so vague,” Seb complained.

Mark tsk’d a little at returning to that.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I do though.”

Mark paused, not wanting to dismiss that.

“Well… I don’t know sweetheart, maybe have another chat with Britta.”

“I’m tired right now.”

“Yeah I know. I meant later.”

“Mm.”

“Have you got time for a little nap?”

“A while, then lunch, then the FIA presser.”

Mark nodded. All Seb needed, another press conference, only this time with the added bonus of being broadcast live to the world.

“I’ll set my alarm, you have a rest.”

Mark checked the timings, then set the alarm on his phone to encourage Seb to relax enough to get a short nap to hopefully give him the energy to deal with all this. He had already been in with the team in the garage, spent time with the engineers and was due a track walk before more time in the garage later. Mark resolved to make sure Seb left the circuit as soon as possible when he was done, get him and Teddy ready so they could make a quick getaway the moment he returned to them. They were going to have an early night tonight, maybe a bath once Teddy had gone down, but beyond that Seb needed sleep more than anything else.

As Sebastian shuffled to reach for a tissue Mark wondered how the fates could conspire so unkindly once again. Maybe he really should just go to the media and tell the lot of them to get stuffed? They’d write about him then. Mind you, sod’s law was that it would only reflect badly on Seb, and of course Porsche would be none too chuffed. Mark looked to Seb about to make a joke of it to cheer him up, but his husband's eyes were closed now, his breathing had slowed. Seb was asleep, out like a light.

 

 

Shortly before the official FIA driver press conference Sebastian returned from talking things over with Britta to say a quick goodbye to Mark and Teddy. He gave them each a hug and a kiss, reminding himself that his family was what really mattered, not the opinions of the members of the media he was about to face. As he handed Teddy back to Mark Seb gave him a smile.

“Be good for Daddy Schatz.”

“Ah he will be,” assured Mark.

Teddy started coughing again and Sebastian felt bad about leaving him. Though the cold seemed to have dried up he still didn’t seem to have his usual energy. On the other hand at least that ought to mean Mark had a quieter little boy to look after, most likely happy just to sit with him or take another nap.

“Are you just gonna watch in here?” Seb checked.

“Yep.”

“Okay, well I’ll have to follow-up in the pen, then I’ll come back, short break then I’ve got my track walk.”

“Sure. I’ll take him for a bit of a play on the roof terrace then, get some fresh air.”

“Oh okay, good idea.”

“So you’ll be fine, yeah?” Mark checked.

Sebastian nodded and took a deep breath.

“Ding ding, round two.”

Mark gave him a smile for trying to make a joke of it.

“Roll with the punches sweetheart, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark leaned in to kiss his cheek, Teddy in his arms.

“You’ll be fine.”

“Thanks.”

“And we’ll be watching.”

“You and everyone else.”

“Don’t worry about them.”

Seb took in a deep breath. Easier said than done. He had to get on with it though. Britta was stood waiting downstairs to escort him to the media.

“’kay. Bye then Teddy.”

“Bye Papa,” encouraged Mark.

“Bye Papa,” Teddy echoed with a wave.

Waving back, Seb made his exit, shoulders back, standing tall, even when all he was doing was walking through hospitality.

 

 

 

 

“Sebastian, how was it to watch races from home when you weren’t driving?”

Seb looked at the originator of the question, having not expected that approach.

“I didn’t watch them to be honest.” He paused, wondering what he ought to add to that, blowing his nose while he had the opportunity. “I think it would just feel strange and I don’t really think there’s a lot to be gained, given the different natures of the tracks.”

 

The microphone was passed on and Seb hoped that there might be a question for Lewis on his right, or Fernando beyond him on the panel for this session, but though the first questions had gone to Lewis as the winner of the previous race, this next came right back to Sebastian.

“Seb, you’ve been away for a while, can you explain how the last few weeks have been for you?”

As he looked directly at the camera Seb thought only of Mark watching, how he like him knew that it was impossible to actually admit how it had really been; Initially nightmarish, literally, slowly easing off to try to find a way back to what approached normal life. But of course he couldn’t tell them that. No, an edited version was the only palatable one available.

“Um, just being at home mostly. Resting initially as I was advised to, then as things went on returning to training and preparing with the team so I was ready for this weekend. I’m naturally very pleased to be here and excited to be getting back to driving.”

 

“Sebastian, what do you make of media coverage of your missing these past two races?”

Shrugging, Sebastian took a sip of water, then turned down the corners of his lips a little, thinking whatever that implied, he really didn’t want to know.

“I don’t read any.”

“None at all?”

“Nope. Sorry, ‘fraid not. When I’m home I’m usually fully occupied with family life and just home stuff, training, doing ordinary things. I don’t go on social media or read the papers. I have other priorities when I’m not working and that’s what I prefer to focus on.”

 

“Seb, sorry again another for you; Can you explain why you had to be off and what tests you underwent to be allowed to return to racing now?”

“Well it’s just as the team put in their statements; I felt unwell when I arrived in China and passed out, so I was taken to hospital so they could run some tests, some scans.”

He glanced over to Britta standing at the side, recalling her suggestion that he lay out basically what they had previously.

“MRIs, CT scan and cardiac monitoring along with just general checks, and that was pretty much the same back home. They didn’t find anything, but because I’ve previously had a serious concussion and stuff after my accident, they wanted to wait a while and re-run the tests to be certain everything was okay.”

“And just to clarify,” the journalist hurried before someone else jumped in, “those tests cleared you to race this weekend?”

“Yes, they were passed on to the FIA and then I saw the race doctors here yesterday to be finally cleared. They just ran through the normal processes to be sure everything was fine, some reaction tests and standard examinations so I could get the green light.”

 

“Seb, can you explain why you had to wait so long? Was that frustrating to miss two races, or having been through what you have in the past, does that give you a different perspective?”

A wipe of his nose was required, but it gave him a moment to compose an answer. What he had been through had little to do with what they thought it did. All he could do was stick with the edited version.

“I think perhaps it does,” Seb allowed. “Certainly I don’t question my doctor's advice. When I was younger I might have wanted to rush back, but I have responsibilities now, I understand what the consequences of going back too soon could mean and I accept that the checks are essential to be sure that there are no issues. There have been a lot of developments in the understanding of the dangers of secondary concussions. We all know drivers who have had to retire in motorsport because of cumulative damage they have suffered and you just don’t mess about with that these days.”

“Forgive me, but to be clear, you didn’t suffer a concussion this time though?”

“No but you can’t measure that straight-away always. It can take a while to present and it’s more likely after you’ve had a previous injury, or so I’m told.”

That wasn’t a lie. A fact was a fact surely, even if it was at least to some extent a misleading one.

 

“Sebastian, another for you I’m afraid,” commenced the next. “”I was wondering what your team’s reaction was to you being off?”

“They’ve been great,” smiled Seb, glad of an easy one. “They really couldn’t have been more supportive, for which I’m very grateful of course. It’s been good to get back into the factory earlier in the week to work with the team and to spend some time on the sim preparing for this weekend. I’m very much looking forward to working with everyone in the garage and getting racing again.”

 

The next questions thankfully headed Fernando’s way, but Seb wasn’t surprised when more were addressed to him after.

“Sebastian, you mentioned cardiac monitoring as well. Were there concerns that you might have heart problems?”

That made him want to close his eyes. So many tests had been run in recent weeks Seb barely thought about that aspect, but he knew the mention of it would bother Mark and indeed the rest of his family who were no doubt watching. It would inevitably make them think of the fact his heart had stopped when he had his accident and even after nearly two years Seb knew it distressed Mark to even remember that aspect. It hurt more than anything else he was sure, and Sebastian hated thinking of Mark worrying about that.

“The checks and tests were just precautionary,” he stated plainly. “They were just checking to be sure there was nothing and that’s exactly what it showed, so that’s actually a good thing obviously.”

“So you’re not worried then?”

“No.”

Sebastian had to stop himself glaring at them. _Why don’t you fuck right off?_ He shouted inside his head, annoyed at their persistent desire to make a drama without a care for how it might affect his loved ones.

“I genuinely think I might be one of the most medically checked drivers in the paddock,” Seb offered, trying to sound lighter. “I think I’ve lost track of how many doctors I’ve seen in total, but thankfully the answer on all fronts has been that there’s nothing to worry about and I’m completely fine to return to racing.”

“So would you characterise it as a fuss over nothing?”

“No I’d say they were doing their jobs, for which I am very grateful as always of course.”

 

“Sebastian…”

To his side Seb caught sight of Lewis subtly rolling his eyes and it would have made him smile but for the fact yet another question was being directed at him.

“Forgive me if I’ve got this confused, but you were off for two races with suspected concussion, but they didn’t check why you collapsed in the first place? You said you felt unwell and passed out. Surely that’s not normal? In what way were you unwell and why was it they thought you might be concussed?”

Of course it was one of the tabloids going for the jugular. That faux apology at the start which prefaced the most direct of enquiries. His heart sped up again as Seb wondered how on earth to answer. He felt trapped. It felt as though the only way was to give what part of a candid report he could, even if the most honest answer of all was: I’d rather not talk about it. That would only pique their curiosity even further. He hoped if he sounded matter-of-fact, that might be sufficient.

“It was just a possibility that the doctors needed to be really certain about because I did lose consciousness for a bit and they weren’t sure if I had hit my head when I went down.”

 

As Seb glanced to the camera directly he thought again of Mark. Sebastian really didn’t want to say he still didn’t really know how long he had been unconscious, but for him it didn’t feel that abnormal. Certainly no good came of telling them that passing out from a panic attack wasn’t such a strange thing for him, even if it had been a while. He definitely wasn’t about to say that the reason they couldn’t be one hundred percent sure he hadn’t hit his head was that Mark had been busy looking after their son at the time. That implied blame and the last thing Seb wanted to do was to send any of that Mark’s way.

“So obviously it was important to be careful about that,” he continued, sounding far more casual than he felt inside.

“And the reason you passed out?”

He hid the steadying breaths to control the sharp spike of anxiety and threat of ensuing panic he felt at being pressed for specifics. An abstract part of his brain was still able to recognise the irony of the situation even as the rest of his mind was frantically searching for what to say. Britta’s suggestion that he could just say he didn’t want to talk about anything so personal clearly wasn’t going to wash. Wiping at his nose excused another pause while Seb felt his heart pounding against his ribs, the rush of blood heating up inside him making his veins stand out. He took a drink of water, aiming to cool and calm himself and Seb looked to his questioner hoping nothing showed externally of the conflict within. How much truth could he tell?

“I just got dizzy and sick all of a sudden when I arrived in Shanghai and passed out pretty quickly apparently, which wasn’t great obviously. So yes the doctors checked that out, but they didn’t find anything of concern. So they just kept an eye on things and wanted to make sure that there weren’t any underlying issues, which all their tests and stuff proved all-clear.”

Had he just given too much? Oh god, was that worse? Seb looked apparently confidently out at the audience, his skin flushed with heat as he worried his mouth had just run away with him there. Why couldn't he simply race without having to go through this torture? Sebastian unexpectedly sneezed and oddly that jolted his mind away from his fears as he had to blow his nose and deal with that before anyone could say more.

 

“Seb, I think it would be fair to say you’re obviously still under the weather,” commented the next one. “Is it related, or not, if you said the issue was feeling sick, or actually being sick out in China? Were you actually sick?”

Christ, why would they not let up? Did they really want every last detail? Fuck it.

“Yes actually sick which wasn’t good obviously and I wasn’t feeling too good after, but I don’t think what I’ve got now is related seeing as it’s a cold.”

“So would you consider yourself to be one hundred percent fit right now?”

Seb couldn't stop himself huffing a breath at that.

“Perhaps not one hundred,” he conceded. “Maybe ninety. It’s nothing major. I’ve been seen by my team doctor as well as the FIA when I got here and they weren’t concerned. I’ll be glad to get back in the car tomorrow and I’m sure when I do, I’ll actually feel a lot better.”

Bollocks to them, Sebastian thought in his head. He was getting seriously tired of this. As soon as he was finished Seb was going to ask Britta to put down a line that he wasn’t talking about it any more in the huddles or the pen. He was done. He got why they were interested, but after this he was only going to talk about his racing and that was that.

 

 

As they transferred to the media pen after the main televised press session was over, Seb tried to talk to Britta as they walked along, but it was difficult to have a proper discussion before he was facing much the same questions as before, only outside. Just prior to entering the area, Britta leaned in to whisper to him.

“Maybe let them get it out of their systems today. Show we’ve nothing to hide, then racing only from tomorrow when you’re actually out on track?”

Sebastian puffed a breath. It made sense, though he couldn't help thinking that he actually had plenty to hide. He didn’t want to give the media that impression though, so Seb nodded, already looking forward to getting this out of the way so he could return to his family and on to the real work of the weekend with the team.

 

As the pair of them made their way round Sebastian tried to keep his answers focussed on sounding positive about getting back to racing, but almost everyone wanted to ask more about his time off.

“Seb you mentioned that you were sick and dizzy and that was why you collapsed out in China. I was wondering if you could tell us if it was established what that was about? Did you have food-poisoning or a bug, or what was it caused that?”

Looking at the interviewer holding out their microphone to him, Seb found himself forgetting his scruples over dropping hints that might be deliberately misleading.

“Erm, well at the time I wasn’t really thinking about that at the time, but I still wasn’t feeling great when I was back home, so the doc did want to check if I might have picked up a virus. After a few days I did start to feel improved though and when I saw the specialist at the hospital she ran quite a lot of tests to be sure there was nothing that could be connected to any previous injuries.”

“You mean your crash?”

“Mm, yeah so obviously it was good to find nothing underlying, but they still advised I rest because of the concussion risk.”

The interviewer nodded and Seb stayed focussed on them although there were a number of others crowded in with them. While he showed nothing externally his mind was whirling with worries about whether he was actually lying to the press or not. Surely nothing he had said was false per se. It just wasn’t the whole truth, nor even the main truth. Were technicalities enough to make it okay? Did he really have any alternative? None Seb could think of right now, so he pressed on.

“It was just unfortunate that the race in Bahrain was a back-to-back as it was just too soon.”

“So you wanted to race, but were advised not to?”

“I’m a racer,” Seb replied, with such gusto he hoped they would miss the fact he wasn’t actually answering their question. “So it was a pretty tough decision, but sometimes you’ve just got to look at the bigger picture and accept how things are.”

“You’re glad to be back this weekend then?”

“Absolutely.” Sebastian quickly pulled a tissue from his pocket and wiped his nose. “I could just do without this, but in the scale of things it’s not such a big deal.”

He gave those in front of him a smile to make a joke of it, getting some smiles back which Seb took as a win, then Britta moved them on to tackle another group with much the same questions.

 

Plenty of people began by asking Seb if he was glad to be back, giving him an easy outing to talk about how he was looking forward to getting back in the car and on track. He could do that without too much effort, but there were always one or two who insisted on harping on about the details of what had gone on and asking their intrusive questions. It started to get harder to find ways to rephrase the same answers to the same questions. As they finished up with another huddle of reporters Sebastian sent Britta a look and she nodded.

“Just this last group and we’re done,” she promised.

“’kay.”

As they reached the corner Sebastian took a slow inward breath and re-affixed the smile upon his face. He answered a few questions before one came that really told him how _done_ he was with all this.

“I just wanted to follow-up on something you said in the main conference before.”

“Uh-huh,” nodded Seb.

“Yes, so you said you were passed out for a while and that was part of why they were concerned that you could have a concussion. So I was wondering how long you were actually unconscious, because obviously that has to be a worry for you.”

Sebastian looked at his latest, and he hoped last, questioner for the day.

“Well I don’t exactly know how long I was out because I was unconscious at the time,” he answered bluntly.

To the side of the journalist asking that, another couple of reporters smiled at his response and Seb had to stop himself shaking his head. Even Mark couldn't tell him that, not that they had discussed it much. It was hardly as though checking your watch was your top priority when someone collapsed. He could say his husband thought it wasn’t too long, but Seb didn’t want to bring Mark into all this. Instead he shrugged, hoping to dismiss it.

“So were you disorientated when you came round?” persevered the reporter.

It was tempting to send a look skyward, wondering why motor-racing journalists suddenly considered themselves medical experts, but the truth was Sebastian had no wish whatsoever to think about what had been going through his mind then. The immediate moments on re-awakening were pretty blurry even now, but in the circumstances confusion had been better than clarity.

“I guess, yeah,” he conceded, unable to think of another reply that wasn’t a flat refusal to answer.

“So is that why they thought you had a concussion?”

Sebastian puffed a long breath.

“I dunno, I’m not a doctor. Hence the fact I defer to their recommendations. I’m just glad to be back and keen to get going again to put this behind me.”

That last certainly had been honest, but it hinted pretty clearly to Britta that Sebastian might snap if pushed much further so she stepped in before any other eager questions could be thrown his way.

“Okay guys, sorry we have to get on. Busy schedule ahead, thanks.”

 

With that she swept Seb out. He waited until they were a distance away from the pen before letting out the sigh he had been holding in.

“Oh god, was that awful?” he worried.

Britta shook her head.

“You were fine. You did good Seb, really.”

“Hmm.”

“Done now anyway.”

Seb looked to her, judging they were sufficiently far away from the media.

“Britta I’m sorry but I really can’t keep on with that.”

“You did okay Seb.”

He shook his head.

“Thanks but, I just… I know I couldn’t say nothing coming back here, but is there any way you can tell them I just won’t talk about all that any more? It’s tying me up in knots and…”

Putting a hand on his arm, she got him to pause as they reached the RedBull base.

“I’ll fix it. Okay? Just work from now on.”

Seb wanted to say; ‘You promise?’ but he knew that would sound pathetic and needy, so he merely nodded.

“Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

 

They walked on inside and paused again before Seb headed off to his room and Britta went to continue her work.

“You answered all their questions Seb. Time for them to move on.”

Seb huffed a breath he hoped didn’t sound too dubious.

“You’d hope. Okay, thanks. I’ve got half an hour before the track walk, right?”

“Yep. I’ll come knock on your door.”

“Cheers. Later then.”

 

 

As soon as he walked back into his room Mark could tell Seb wasn’t as fine as he had appeared on television. He was sat on the bed reading Teddy a story, the little boy nestled on his knee so engrossed in the bright pictures that he only looked up when Sebastian sat beside them.

“You alright sweetheart?”

“Papa,” noticed Teddy, smiling up at him.

Seb smiled back at their son, the first genuine smile since he had left them.

“Hi Schatz.”

“Hi.”

“Hi,” he echoed, reaching to stroke his son’s cheek.

“Papa buh!”

“Yes Liebling a book. Is Daddy reading to you?”

“We’re having a nice chat about the pictures,” commented Mark.

Huffing a tiny laugh, Seb nodded, knowing how Teddy’s babbling away took a fair bit of interpretation, but more and more words were becoming possible to distinguish, at least to them. Mark was about to ask Sebastian again about how he was feeling, but as Seb leaned into his side he rested his head down on Mark’s shoulder and that was enough to tell him he needed a little time just to separate himself off from that first.

 

It was only when Teddy tired of looking at the book and wriggled to be set down so he could toddle about on the floor seeking out his toys strewn about in there, that Seb and Mark really started talking. They moved to sit on the floor to be closer to Teddy, leaning up against the side of the bed as he played independently. Mark put his arm around Seb and gave him a squeeze.

“Not much fun doing all that is it?”

Sebastian shook his head, then sighed heavily.

“It’s horrible feeling like I have to lie to them all.”

“Ah sweetheart, you’re not lying.”

“I am though.”

“No you’re not. I watched it. Nothing you said was untrue.”

“It felt like it was.”

Sebastian sighed and shook his head again as he looked down.

“I just… I knew it would be like this, but I don’t know…”

“It’s one thing talking about it, another facing it all?” guessed Mark.

“Yeah. I mean I know what the press are like. How relentless they can be. It’s not like I’m surprised, but…”

“But still horrible.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” agreed Mark giving him a squeeze. “You did it though.”

 

Seb turned more to look at Mark.

“Do you think I made it worse?”

“Worse? What do you mean?”

“I didn’t mean to say so much. I just sort of had to say something and it came out.”

“Sweetheart it was fine.”

“Is it wrong that I told them I was off because of concussion?”

“You didn’t say that. You said they were checking for concussion and anything else, which they were.”

“I suppose.”

“Darling don’t worry about it. You gave them plenty to get on with. That’s all they really want you know. They just want a story.”

 

Sebastian looked over to where Teddy had found one of his little board-books and was haphazardly looking through it.

“I think I just told them a story.”

“Seb,” sighed Mark. “You told them what you could.”

Seb looked to him.

“You’re always so honest with people. Why do I feel like I’m not?”

“Because it’s complicated for you. You know what though sweetheart, anyone asks me about it and I’m not gonna be saying anything either am I?”

“I spose not. It’s just not a nice feeling.”

“No alright, fair enough, but if you’re feeling guilty about it darling, don’t. I know there’s a hell of a lot more to it, but the truth is I was scared when you passed out and I’m really glad they checked it all out. You _could_ have hit your head. That’s true. I wasn’t looking.”

“That wasn’t your fault Liebling,” hurried Seb. “You were taking care of Teddy.”

“Alright, but even so. And you weren’t with it when you woke. Even if we know why you passed out, that’s still something that needed looking at. You do hear of drivers having long-term issues from head injuries, stuff cropping up much later.”

He looked into Seb’s eyes, hoping he wasn’t scaring him.

“I’m really glad that we took the time to make sure everything was okay. Even Doc Phillips said he would have wanted that either way didn’t he?”

“I guess.”

“So, you were telling the truth.”

“Just an edited version.”

“Even that’s more than they’re entitled to,” Mark argued.

“Mm well I just told Britta I don’t want to talk about it any more.”

“Good. So she’ll tell them what for.”

Seb gave him a half-smile for the resolute way he said that.

“I just hope they’ll listen.”

“I’m sure she’ll make sure they do,” asserted Mark. “Britta can be pretty firm when she needs to be.”

“I suppose at least tomorrow I should have other stuff to talk about.”

“Exactly and it’s only team organised huddles on a Friday. You don’t like how it’s going and Britta can pull the plug. That’ll teach em.”

Seb huffed a little laugh and put his head back down on Mark’s shoulder to press in.

“At least it’s done.”

“Exactly.”

 

Turning his head, Mark kissed Seb’s forehead, knowing how much went on in there that few people had any idea of. An F1 race weekend was expected to impose stress on a driver, but for his husband all too often it was caused _off_ track, not on it. Sebastian let out a long breath, feeling the comfort of his husband's words and his arm around him. His work with the media was done for the day and Thursday had always going to be the worst of it. From here on in it surely ought to get easier.

They sat together, watching Teddy for a minute before their son twigged and stood to totter the few feet to reach his parents, bringing his little book with him. Teddy dropped himself into Seb’s lap and looked up to him.

“Papa buh!”

Sebastian smiled at him.

“You want me to read to you Liebling?”

“Yeh.”

Few things lifted his spirits more than their son making efforts to communicate with them. Seb nodded.

“Yes okay then Schatz. Let’s see. Which book have we got here?”

He reached to take hold of the little board-book Teddy had brought over and started to read him the brief story inside, not bothered by the fact that half the time a tiny chubby hand obscured most of the page as their son couldn’t contain his excitement and attempts to join in.

 

 

All too soon there was a knock on the door and Seb was back off to work. This time though he left his family without the dread he had carried before. While Mark took Teddy off to the roof-terrace for a run around in some fresh air, Seb was off to the garage to get a little air for himself as he walked the track with his guys. When he returned he felt considerably better, the media forgotten after a bit of more relaxed time in the sunshine, partly studying the track and conditions for running in practice tomorrow and partly just enjoying the company of his colleagues. None of them asked Seb any questions about when he had been off. They made a couple of enquiries about how his cold was, but mostly they made fun of him sneezing. It never felt unkind when they teased him though. It made Seb feel one of them, one of the team, and it made him glad to be back more than anything else so far.

 

When Mark brought Teddy down to the garage to say hello Seb was pleased to see how the team welcomed his family back, the mechanics fussing over his son and Mark chatting with everyone as if he belonged in there, which to Seb’s mind he did. Christian came for a chat as well, seeming to enjoy carrying his godson around to show him the exciting flashing buttons on the pitwall and only looking mildly alarmed when the little boy tried to push them. Seb decided to rescue him by taking Teddy to show him his car. As he let Mike sit him in it Sebastian knelt alongside, smiling at his son’s fascination with all this.

Lifting Teddy out, Seb passed him to Mark who stood, knowing it was probably time to go.

“I’ve kindof got a fair bit more work to do ahead of tomorrow,” Seb admitted.

“Ah okay.”

They had moved towards the back of the garage out of the way as the team started to return to work.

“It’s just with all the catching up to do and everything,” he explained.

“That’s alright sweetheart, you don’t have to apologise.”

“Do you want to maybe take him back to the hotel and I’ll catch up?”

“In time for dinner at least?”

They looked at one another, Mark evaluating whether it was more important for Seb to rest or to feel fully prepared for his return to the track.

“I won’t stay any later than I have to,” Seb promised.

Mark nodded and leaned in to give him a kiss.

“Alright well you do what you need to. You’ll know where to find us.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Sebastian stroked his hand down Mark’s arm and looked into his eyes, knowing how stoic he always was for him.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Righto,” agreed Mark lightly. “We’d better let you get on with things then. Say bye for now to Papa Teddy.”

“Bye Schatz. See you soon.”

“Bye Papa.”

Sebastian gave them a little wave as they left, feeling sad for a moment before taking a deep breath and turning around. Back to work and the sooner he got stuck in, the sooner he would be free to return to his family.

 

 

It had really taken until he was back driving again for Seb to truly feel he had returned to racing as he should. He wasn’t top of the timesheets, but as he had driven the tight and winding part of the street circuit during Friday free practice, Sebastian had at last felt he was doing what he was meant to: Feeling one with the car, testing its limits and his own, mind fully focussed on the task in hand and nothing else intruding to distract or bother him. It felt freeing, empowering. When he got out of the car Seb was sure he stood a little taller, no need to put on a smile or fake confidence.

Just as Britta advised, Seb left it to her to put up a warning hand to any press trying to harp on about anything other than his driving that day when it came to the huddle. Sebastian merely stood impassively by her side, waiting for her to repeat calmly but firmly that he was “here to discuss his driving,” Britta looking the transgressor in the eye to let them know she was not to be budged. After that they either asked a ‘proper’ racing question or she moved on to another interviewer, either way they learnt their lesson.

For his part Sebastian acted as though he didn’t even hear any non-driving questions, switching something off inside him to shield himself from being bothered by them. When an approved enquiry came his way, the smile came back on like a lightbulb and Seb answered in the fullest, hoping that Britta’s expertise in this would prove correct as he effectively rewarded those who gave him questions he wanted to answer and ignored those who did not.

 

Back in the garage Seb pulled out his phone to see more messages from his family congratulating him on his day and another from Mark.

MARK: Hey sweetheart how’s it going? Wasn’t sure if we should bob down to say hi or if it’ll be quicker for you just to get on with things?

Sebastian checked his watch, then turned around to look if Christian was about. They were sticking nearer to British times to avoid jetlag for their son and indeed themselves, but it was getting later and Teddy would need to go back to the hotel to get ready for bed soon.

“Um, Christian, would you mind if Mark brought Teddy down to say hi?” he checked.

Christian smiled, wondering if Seb had waited until Helmut had made his exit before asking that.

“Sure, no problem,” he agreed.

“They won’t stay long.”

Christian huffed a little laugh.

“That’s alright. No harm having a little break. Besides, I reckon my godson cheers the place up.”

“Thanks.”

 

Pulling his phone back out of his pocket, Seb sent an affirmative to his husband and five minutes later they were there, Mark pulling Teddy’s ear-protectors off once he had established it was fairly quiet in the garage for now. Their son wasn’t always convinced about other people holding him, but as Daniel gurned and made him laugh, Teddy happily went to him while his fathers talked.

“Christian didn’t mind then?” commented Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I think he likes it.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Reckon he’s relieved they turn that god-awful music off when Teddy comes down.”

Sebastian laughed too.

“Maybe.” He looked to see Christian smiling in at Teddy as Daniel showed him his car. “Think he just likes being godfather too.”

“Yeah, guess so,” agreed Mark. “You’re alright then?”

“Yep.”

Mark smiled at the decisive way Seb said that.

“Think Britta’s got a handle on them now,” Sebastian continued.

“Course she has. Where is she now? Off giving any misbehavers a talking to?”

Seb laughed and shook his head.

“Just doing her thing.”

“Mm,” agreed Mark, thinking that sounded much the same.

 

“Papa caah!” declared Teddy loudly.

Sebastian and Mark looked over to see Daniel now ducking down to show their son his car.

“Ah, no little mate,” contradicted Daniel. “This one’s mine. Uncle Dan’s car.”

Teddy laughed and patted the bonnet.

“Papa caah!” he repeated insistently.

Daniel chuckled as he looked up to Seb and Mark.

“Apparently it’s not mine after all.”

Mark smiled, knowing their son would associate the dark blue car with his papa seeing as Mark pointed it out every time they watched on TV.

“C’mere mate.” Mark scooped Teddy up and took him to the car a couple of feet away. “This one’s Papa’s car.”

“Papa caah!”

Sebastian nodded as their son pointed enthusiastically to it as if Seb himself wouldn't know.

“Yes Liebling, that’s right. This is Papa’s car. Papa’s racing car.”

“Caah!”

“Uh huh.”

“Someone’s keen,” smiled Christian. “Do you want a go Teddy?”

It seemed nothing else was an option, so Sebastian set the little boy in the car seat, hanging onto him as Teddy bounced with excitement. He glanced to see how Mark was smiling and ended up smiling too. Surely this had to be harmless enough? As he watched their son’s pure delight at simply sitting in a racing car, Seb thought about how pure his own enjoyment had been at driving it earlier. All that talk yesterday about longing to get back racing had been more about what he thought you needed to say. It had all got so tangled trying to say what he thought he ought to, Sebastian had forgotten how much easier it was when you could just say what was in your heart; He _was_ glad to be back, even more so now Britta was taming the media; he _was_ glad to be back working with the team; he _was_ genuinely looking forward to qualifying tomorrow, hoping for a decent showing to give him half a chance in the race come Sunday.

 

 

Seb found himself reflecting on this once again as he sat in the team de-brief the following day. The engineers and strategists were as usual discussing plans for the race, taking about potential issues and optimum pit windows. As he listened Sebastian made his neat notes, more to help him process the ideas than anything else. When they finished he closed the notebook up, then seeing everyone busy sorting themselves out, Seb sneaked a quick look at the note Mark had written in the front for him. He smiled to himself at reading the dedication _‘To my Seb’_ thinking about why that touched his heart so. Then again he liked that it was from _‘your Mark’_ perhaps even more.

“All set then Sebi?”

Sebastian flicked his eyes up and rapidly closed the notebook to look at his boss.

“Yep, good.”

“Excellent.”

Picking up his bag from the floor, Sebastian fitted his notebook away.

“Are you going to the garage or heading back now?” Christian enquired.

“Is there anything needing doing?”

“No no, I just wondered.”

Sebastian paused, his hand still resting on the closed flap of the pocket where he had put the notebook. Once he would have gone just to hang out with the guys, help where he could and just feel a part of the life of the garage, but whilst he appreciated that still, Seb had other priorities now.

“Ah no I was going to go back to the hotel to help Mark give Teddy a bath before bed.”

Christian huffed a laugh.

“That sounds far more productive. Well, have a good evening then.”

“You too. See you in the morning.”

“Yep, hi to Mark and Teddy.”

“Thanks.”

 

Walking through the paddock in the falling light, Sebastian picked up his pace to get back to the hotel as quickly as he could. Only then did it occur to him that he hadn’t sneezed once all day and had barely had to wipe his nose. That might seem a strange thing to celebrate, but with a race ahead tomorrow it certainly was. Whatever Dr Phillips had given him had to be working. He could actually just feel normal now. Normal health, normal routines, normal work.

Normal for him anyway. Just feeling normal was actually more important than the result he got tomorrow. Sebastian shook his head to himself as he exited the paddock and made his way to the hotel. The press might never understand that, but Mark would. All their son would care about was that his papa was back to put him to bed tonight and that was the most normal thing of all, the most important thing. If he could just feel normal and find a balance of family and racing, then he could do this. He could do this and be happy.

Imagine trying to explain that to the media? I’m glad to be back, but mostly I’m glad to feel normal. I’m relieved to be fitting back in with my team and feeling accepted and welcome. I’m enjoying finding I can do what I’m good at, just the same as before. I’m thankful my family are here supporting me and my son’s cold has cleared up like mine seems to be. I’m more thankful than I can say for my husband's support and all he does to take care of our son and yes, I guess me too. I’m grateful to fall asleep tired from work without worrying that I’ll be woken by nightmares. Maybe my version of normal isn’t yours, but I’m more glad than I can say to be getting back to it.

No, perhaps all that was just too much honesty for the media to handle? Maybe only giving them an edited version of the truth was pretty normal for Seb too?

 

Seeing the hotel where they were staying appear ahead of him, Sebastian decided whatever the truth of that was, he was done worrying about it. He was going to go to his family, give his son a bath and put him to bed before probably following much the same routine for himself. Smiles and splashes, cuddles and stories. That was about the best antidote not only for a cold, but for the stresses of the paddock too, but the paddock press wasn’t getting that truth any more than they were the rest.

 

 

 

As he sat in the doorway of their motor-home in Le Mans Sebastian gazed out thinking about all that. How it had actually been a relief to find he did still enjoy racing, even if there were challenges to be overcome along the way. If he didn’t have that then he’d just stop. Seb knew that now. If the time came when it wasn’t worth it any more, he would jack it all in and what anyone outside of his family thought about that be damned. That day might come, but he wasn’t there yet. Baku had a bumpy start, but once he had eased into the actual racing things had got better. Spain had been easier from the off, Monaco a little strange as Monaco always was, but with their ‘not looking at the cost’ hired villa away from all the madness allowing them to water-taxi in to the RedBull barge, they had managed to stay away from most of the craziness that took over the principality.

It occurred to him that having this motor-home here in Le Mans made them feel a little ‘other’ again, a little different, even if there were drivers doing the same here. Sebastian had spent so long trying to feel accepted, trying to fit in and feel the same as the rest. And for what? He was never going to be the same as others. What was the point in fighting it? He and Mark and Teddy were their own thing, their own little bubble. All that mattered was that they were happy in that bubble. Anyone else could think what they liked and he just wasn’t going to care. Sebastian smiled and sat higher as he thought how freeing that idea was. When it came down to it, there were two things that really mattered in his life – his family and racing. Most definitely in that order.

 

“Papa!”

Sebastian turned his head to see his son now stood up in his travel cot, looking for him. He stood and went in to rescue him.

“Here I am Liebling.”

“Papa up!”

“Yes okay.”

He lifted the little boy out and gave him a kiss, Teddy sending his arms around his father's neck to hang on. Seb angled his head to try to look at him.

“Are you okay Schatz? Do you need something?”

Sebastian mimed having a drink and eating with a free hand, but Teddy just pressed in.

“Papa cuh.”

“Papa cuddle?” interpreted Seb. “That it? You just want a cuddle?”

As the little boy continued to press in he took him to sit with him on the doorstep, giving his son the cuddle he needed as he sat on his lap.

“I was right here all the time Liebling. Did you think I’d left you?”

Teddy pouted and Seb felt a wave of guilt again that their son must have missed them while his parents looked after him last weekend. Not even two days, but no doubt it felt longer to Teddy. He tried offering the little boy his toys, but it seemed a hug was all he wanted. That was certainly no hardship for Seb, so they sat there, Seb leaning into the doorframe, Teddy leaning into him, shaded from the sun, but feeling outdoors, not worrying too much about anything. Just letting the time pass together was pleasant enough for now. They only really needed one more thing to make it perfect.

 

“Daddy.”

“Hm?” Seb looked at his son.

“Daddy hi.”

“Daddy will be back later Schatz.”

“No.”

“No? He will Liebling, it’s okay.”

“No Papa. Daddy.”

His son looked at him as if Seb was the one getting confused, not the toddler. The little boy pointed outwards and Sebastian smiled as he realised his son was correct.

“Oh I’m sorry Schatz. You’re quite right. It is Daddy.”

He waved at the sight of his husband approaching across the open area of grass, Mark smiling and waving back. Teddy waved too, then wriggled to be set down, so Seb did, standing to follow as the little boy toddled as fast as he could to reach his father.

“Daddy!”

Mark thought his heart might just burst at that little high-pitched voice calling out for him, chubby little arms going up already in anticipation of being lifted, little chubby legs going like the clappers as his son tottered urgently towards him.

“Daddy!”

Mark grinned and did exactly what those arms demanded and swung Teddy up to kiss him, Seb hanging back to let Mark have that moment. He took in a breath as his son crushed in.

 _“Daddy,_ ” repeated Teddy more calmly, breathing out sighs of relief to be with him.

“Yeah mate, good to see you too sunshine.”

He gave him another kiss, then smiled as Seb kissed his cheek in turn.

“You’re back early Liebling.”

Mark merely gave him a wink before they began walking on back to their temporary home.

“No better incentive sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled and walked closely alongside, glad to know his husband's priorities were the same as his own.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is designed to be a two-parter. I'd better get on writing the other half...
> 
> BTW I know they've switched about a bit with the racing calendar, but that was after I started writing/planning so I'm sticking with my version. It is an AU after all.


	264. Alternate Views - Pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First off, happy Christmas/New Year to you all.  
> Second, so sorry that I have been remiss in not updating this (see above!) Hopefully I shall actually have some time to write now.

* * *

 

 

Mark hated having to watch his husband being tormented by the press. It was frustrating at the best of times, but in Baku it was agony having no option but to stand by and let him go through it when Mark knew how fragile Seb was beneath his usual ‘everything’s fine’ exterior. Question after relentless question from people who had no understanding of what Seb had really been through of late. Hell, even if they only knew what he was telling them, surely they ought to be more sensitive? But sensitive wasn’t the paddock press’s nature, sensational more like.

And of course poor Seb had to have a cold to top it all off. As Mark sat watching his husband’s press conference from the safety of his room in the base he sighed to see him sneezing and wiping his nose, plainly struggling, but naturally persevering despite all that was thrown at him. It made Mark want to sprint over to the media centre so he could yell at the lot of them to leave Seb alone, to put his arm around him and glare them into submission, then just whisk him as far away from them as possible.

On the other hand he reconciled, Mark knew better than anyone how capable Seb was of surviving all that. Others didn’t know the extent of it because they did not see past his mask, his fake smiles and composed answers, his ability to make a joke when he was suffering inside. Seb knew he had to get through it and Mark knew he could. It was a hard re-entry to what could be a tough world at the best of times, but Mark hoped once this hurdle was passed it would be easier going.

 

Little Teddy coughed into him where Mark held him on his knee as they sat on the bed together. He rubbed over his back and looked in at his son.

“You alright there mate?”

Teddy coughed again and Mark reached for a bottle of water on the side to feed him a few sips.

“That better?”

“Dada guh ma.”

Mark smiled at him, wondering what his son was aiming for there.

“Good?”

“Guh.”

“Mm.” He huffed a little laugh. “Keep trying mate. I think we’re getting closer aren’t we?”

“Papa.”

Mark glanced to the screen and nodded as he saw that there was indeed a close-up shot of Sebastian being shown.

“Yep, there’s Papa. He’s having a busy time of it kiddo. Have to give him big hugs when he comes back won’t we?”

“Huh.”

“Yep, big hugs. Hopefully that’ll help him feel better.”

  


  


Having done his best to cheer his husband up and re-set him to continue working with the team for the rest of the afternoon, Mark took their son up to the roof-terrace as he had told Seb he would. There was a canvas cover above blocking out the direct mid-afternoon sun, but it felt nice to get some air and feel the warmth of the day up there. Given that it was only Thursday, the base was quiet yet, so Mark and Teddy had the top floor to themselves while the team were busy preparing for the race weekend.

He sat observing as Teddy toddled about in front of him, moving some of his soft toys about playing some game with them that his father couldn't quite fathom. It seemed to amuse Teddy though so that was all that mattered. His cold had dried up which was goodand Mark thought he detected the coughs getting lesser and further apart. Teddy still wasn’t running about with the barely controllable energy he sometimes had, but at least he was up and about, seeming fairly happy after his earlier nap. As he tottered towards him now, Mark smiled as the little boy deposited his toy dinosaur into his lap and stood holding onto his father's knees looking up at him.

“Hey sweetheart.”

“Dada doh.”

“Have you brought me dino?”

“Doh!”

“Okay, dog then. Righto. Are you getting up here or am I coming down?”

Teddy patted his leg, so Mark guessed that meant he should climb down onto the floor to sit with his son. He grabbed the cushioned seat from the chair to make himself comfortable and sat with Teddy opposite him, talking and playing at whatever made the little boy happy. Mark wondered what Seb was up to right now, if he was passing by on his track walk perhaps or busy in the garage with the team. When Teddy bored of his soft toys Mark dug in the bag to offer him other options, smiling as his son showed interest in the little toy racing cars he had been given for Christmas.

“You wanna play race-cars with Daddy mate?”

“Caah!”

“Yep, ha, righto sunshine, what colour car do you want?”

They sat pushing the tiny cars around, Mark making the vroom-vroom noises for them as he pretended to race against his son, laughing as the little boy enjoyed crawling around, sneaking under tables and chairs that his father had no hope of following him through. As Teddy disappeared beneath a bench seat Mark pulled him out and tickled him.

“Where you off to sweetheart? Huh? Gonna lose you under there.”

“Dada!”

Teddy squealed and giggled, wriggling as his father tickled his tummy.

“Gonna getcha, gonna getcha!” laughed Mark as he held him in.

“Dada no.”

“No?”

Teddy pouted at him so Mark still his hand.

“Dontcha like it mate? Hmm? Little tickle.”

He gave his son a gentle tickle by his underarm and Teddy giggled before pulling away to stand.

“Alright then,” accepted Mark.

Teddy stood and tried pawing at his father, Mark smiling at his son attempting to tickle him.

“Are you getting Daddy? Teddy getting Daddy back huh?”

“Dada bah.”

“Daddy back?

“ _Bah_.”

“Oh Daddy bad is he? Okay, if you say so kiddo. Sorry.”

Teddy stroked at his cheek now and Mark wondered what exactly he was trying to communicate. He smiled back at him and stroked his son’s cheek in return hoping that told the little boy all he really needed to know.

“Shall we look for Papa darling? Hm? See if we can spot him over on the track?”

“Papa.”

“Yeah. Let’s have a looksee then.”

Mark lifted his son up and walked to the side nearest the track to see what they make out. He stayed a fraction back from the barrier, unable to suppress the no doubt ridiculous idea that Teddy might wriggle in his arms causing him to somehow drop him. As yet there was no sign of Seb out there, so Mark walked to the other side to make a game of seeing what they could spot in the paddock. They might spy Seb later, or if not they could take a trip down to the garage when he was done working. Hopefully his husband would have rallied a bit by then just as Teddy had.

  


  


That evening Mark gave Teddy his dinner in their hotel suite while they waited for Seb to come back to them. As he wiped his son’s face clean from his attempts to feed himself some fromage frais, Mark set the cloth down and checked his watch. It was tempting to text Sebastian to ask how long he would be, but Mark knew that wasn’t helpful. His husband didn’t need any pressure adding on top of that from the media and the team. Even if the team were trying to play it down, there was always pressure to perform. Mark knew Seb would want to do well in the race and he always wanted to prepare as much as possible at the best of times. Coming back from missing two races Seb was no doubt anxious not to seem rusty, so preparing for driving and certainly _feeling_ prepared had to be important.

Of course Mark wanted Seb to be prepared for his running on track as well. While his husband faced his fears in the press conference, Mark had to confront his own when Sebastian climbed back into his car to drive again. Even if it was only for free practice, Mark was never going to be able to watch Seb on track without feeling at least a little nervous, no matter how unfounded those nerves were. He hoped that Seb’s cold might be improved by the morning so he didn’t have to worry about that as well.

Looking up Mark saw his son gazing at him, so he gave Teddy a smile.

“Papa will be back as soon as he can mate.”

  


It was nearly an hour before Sebastian actually returned, full of apologies which Mark of course said were unnecessary. Once Seb had changed, Mark made him a cup of tea and encouraged him to sit on the sofa to drink it as Mark retrieved Teddy from where he played on the floor.

“There was just so much to go over and I wanted to get it straight in my head before tomorrow,” Seb explained.

“It’s fine sweetheart. I understand.”

“Has he had his dinner?”

“Yep.”

“Oh okay.”

“He was getting hungry.”

“No of course.” Seb looked in at Teddy and set down his mug on the little coffee table in the lounge area of their suite, offering out his now free hands. “You come to Papa Teddy?”

Teddy hesitated, but Mark knew that meant Seb needed a cuddle so he passed their son over then put his arm around Seb too. He felt the long breath his husband let out and gave him a gentle squeeze.

“Be easier from tomorrow,” Mark asserted.

“Yeah, hope so.”

“It will, I’m sure of it.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian sighed again and rested his head down on Mark’s shoulder.

“How’s the cold?” Mark checked.

“Bluergh.”

Mark huffed a little laugh and kissed his temple.

“When we’ve put this young man to bed why don’t we order up some food and just pull the partition closed to watch a film in bed?”

Seb lifted his head to look at him.

“Eat in bed?”

“Yeah let’s be naughty.”

Sebastian smiled. If they kept the TV by the bed on low surely their son wouldn't be disturbed by it seeing as his cot was in the living area they could partition off. Cosy early night and the outside world forgotten. That was what he needed.

  


  


The following morning Britta was at work in the RedBull base long before Seb arrived. She sat in her temporary office space, scanning through the media coverage, most of which was busily spinning out driver interviews from the day before along with the usual rumours from the paddock, latest machinations betweens teams and speculation about various car updates.

She puffed out a long breath as she read the latest headline on Sebastian’s return to racing after being ‘struck down by mystery illness’. Letting out a sigh at their usual melodramatic tone, Britta read the article below which rehashed the already known information with additional quotes from the previous day’s press conferences and added yet more editorial comment that the writer still found the episode rather strange and insufficiently explained.

It wasn’t totally going in for the kill on Seb though, which was something. Like most of the coverage, this latest piece suggested that there might be more to it, but they suspected it was to do with repercussions from his accident. She had to admit that they had hinted as much. Several of the broadsheets and the specialist motorsport publications had run extended articles on the long-term effects of concussion and the revised approaches taken these days, discussing not just Sebastian, but other drivers in a variety of series who had been affected.

Most, whilst hinting they believed they weren’t being told the full story, were reasonably sympathetic to Seb at least. Britta got the impression that they were frustrated by their vagueness, but cut Sebastian some slack due to the generally held opinion that he was a proven born racer. The fact that he had returned to racing so rapidly after such a severe incident back in 2015 seemed to buy him quite a lot of faith that Seb didn’t lack courage. As one piece had it, if a four-time world champion who didn’t let his heart stopping and a subsequent coma put him off getting back to racing as soon as possible, missed a couple of races, then there had to be a good reason. It didn’t stop them hypothesising about those reasons of course.

Britta expected nothing less and she knew she was at least partly to blame for that seeing as yesterday when various media representatives had conjectured that Seb could have been hit by food-poisoning or that hinted at virus out in China, Britta hadn’t exactly put them off the idea. They needed something they could understand and she wasn’t going to lose any sleep about misleading them when Britta considered it a means of protecting her charge. That Sebastian had returned to the paddock looking undeniably pale and thinner, plus the fact he was suffering from a cold, only added to surmising by some that he was run down and not at full health. There wasn’t much she could do to disguise it. All Britta could do now was hope that the media had got it out of their system, and as he returned to driving, they would return to writing about that.

 

As she sat back and sipped her cooling coffee there was a tap-tap and Britta looked over to see her boss stood in the doorway.

“You’re in early,” noted Christian.

Britta shrugged.

“First editions.”

“Mm.” He came over to look. “Anything we need to worry about?”

She shook her head.

“Only what we expected. More of the same really to be honest.”

“Not satisfied with what we’ve given them?”

“Are they ever?” Britta gave him a half-smile. “Par for the course mostly. The tabloids just enjoy making a drama.”

Christian nodded.

“Nothing too extreme though?”

“As long as you don’t venture to the commentary online.”

“Ha, always a mistake.”

“Exactly. Anyway, we’re moving on now. Race stuff only.”

“Gotcha. Do you think I need to say any more?”

 

Britta shook her head. In interviews the day before Christian as team manager had given plenty of interviews confirming the team line on the whole matter.

“I think the best thing is just to cut if off, just say you’re glad Seb is back and pivot to talking about how the weekend is looking.”

“Yes, sounds preferable,” Christian agreed, more than glad to leave the whole issue behind as soon as possible.

“The only thing I’m really picking up in the more respectable places is that they seem to think it’s the team being over-cautious because we’re a bit paranoid after what happened in Monza.”

“In Monza?” Christian shook his head as he realised what he was stupidly missing. “Oh right, of course, well…”

“I don’t know if you want me to say anything about that, or if you do?”

Christian shook his head.

“No, let them think that. I think we can take it on the chin. We owe him that much.”

Britta regarded him more seriously.

“Christian it wasn’t your fault.”

 

He puffed a long breath, thinking that could apply to more than one aspect of Seb’s past. Christian wasn’t sure he would ever be able to entirely let go of the sense he ought to carry at least some of the guilt for failing to even notice that a young driver who he was responsible for had been so badly mistreated right under his nose. Add the fact that Seb had very nearly been killed in his car due to faults that to this day Christian couldn't help thinking they ought to have found in advance, and he was never going to able to regard him as just another driver.

“Wasn’t it?”

They looked at one another for a moment, then Christian gave a little shake of his head.

“Anyway, new day and all that,” he breezed. “I’m sure it’ll do us all good to move on.”

“Yes I’m sure.”

“So you’ll be taking a hard line with the press from today.”

“Driving related questions only.”

“Good. Well, that coffee looks an idea. I’ll be in my office if you need me.”

“Thanks.”

“I take it Seb will be in later?”

“Seeing as FP1’s not till one I told him half ten was fine.”

“Course, right well I’ll catch a word with him then. Oh is the doc going to see him again about his cold?”

“I think he wants to see him first thing.”

“Right.” Christian smiled. “Never rains but it pours eh?”

“I’m sure he’ll be alright.”

“Yes. Takes more than a cold to stop Seb.”

Britta smiled as he gave a her a last nod before departing to face his own workload before most of the team started their day. She reflected that it seemed they had at last found something that really could stop Sebastian, but even that wasn’t for long. He would be back in the car today, back doing what he enjoyed and excelled at. With any luck that would be enough to show the media what he was really made of and they could get back to talking about that instead.

Certainly Britta was determined to do everything she could to ensure that. When he had spoken out yesterday to say he couldn't face talking about why he had been off any more she knew it had to be taken seriously. Dr Phillips had advised her to do whatever was possible to reduce Sebastian’s stress levels this weekend and Britta knew neither one would say so without it being important. Fingers crossed Seb had a good run of it this weekend and that would be enough for them all to move forward.

  


 

  


By Sunday evening Sebastian was more than a little relieved to have survived the weekend largely unscathed. Getting fifth in the race wasn’t all he had hoped for, but the team didn’t seem too disappointed and by the time he got back to Mark and Teddy in the base, Seb was already putting it into perspective.

Mark of course only really cared that Seb was coming back to him safe and sound. It had felt a very long race to watch, even with the distractions of a small child to look after. Now as Seb walked through the door of his room, Mark let out a long sigh of relief as he got to hug him in and hold him close. Feeling Mark’s cheek angled down to rest against his own as he pressed in, Sebastian took in a deep breath, feeling his husband's body as it breathed him in too. Then he felt far smaller arms only able to reach his leg wrap around and looked down. Smiling, Seb lifted away from Mark and ducked down to give his son a hug instead.

“Hello Liebling.”

“Papa.”

“Yes.”

“Papa hi.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

“Teddy hi.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Mark laughed as well thinking how you didn’t get the most stimulating conversations with a sixteen month old, but it was impossible not to smile at his efforts. As Seb kissed their son’s forehead and lifted him to perch on his knee, Mark crouched down with them.

“You did great sweetheart,” he praised.

“Hmm, I thought I could snatch fourth but I just ran out of laps.”

“Ah well.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian looked at Teddy thinking how he didn’t care where his father finished and how nice it was to be reminded that it really wasn’t the most important thing. He turned to Mark, passing him their son.

“I’d better grab a shower then I can get the debrief done.”

Mark took Teddy and stood with him.

“Early escape?”

Sebastian smiled.

“As soon as I can get away, I promise.”

“Good stuff.”  


  


It was no surprise to Mark that Sebastian spent much of their flight home asleep. He knew that the weekend had taken a lot from him both physically and mentally. Seb might have resilience that few could match, but Mark saw how depleted it was. Once in the air Seb had sat with Teddy on his knee, feeling as though he was making up for not having enough contact with him while he was working, but soon the little boy dropped off.

When they had put him in his cot to sleep, Sebastian made himself comfortable leaning into Mark, his arm around him to hold Seb in. Within five minutes of their son falling asleep Seb had joined him, Mark in the familiar position watching over both of them, more than happy that they were resting safely. As he watched, Mark huffed a laugh and smiled to observe that both husband and son were clearly breathing through their noses again. The little things.

He settled in, content enough to relax like this after all the stresses of the past few days. Perhaps it was good for both of them to have gone through it and proved to themselves that they could cope. Sebastian was resilient enough to survive interrogation by the paddock press and Mark was strong enough to endure worrying over his husband being back behind the wheel once more. Neither was easy, but it was something to know they could do it. By comparison Mark felt as though his own return to racing next weekend would seem simple after this.

  


  


The journey home took several hours, but as they were travelling west it meant that they effectively went back on time, returning effectively only an hour later by British time. That meant that due to Seb’s quick getaway they got home at a reasonable time, though of course long past their son’s bedtime. Luckily Teddy was sufficiently worn out that he barely woke between being transferred from plane to car to house. Sebastian smiled as Mark carried him, round cheek squashed into his father’s shoulder, little arms loosely around his neck. The driver volunteered to bring their bags in, so they headed straight up the stairs to put him down for the night, Teddy merely stirring slightly as he was laid in his cot, settling as he was tucked in. Gently stroking his cheek, Seb sighed at the sight of him.

“He's so lovely like this.”

“Quiet you mean?”

Seb gave him a look, unable not to smile as Mark gave him a teasing wink. He shook his head.

“Right come on, that poor guy is probably waiting downstairs for us.”

“Oh yeah,” recalled Mark.

 

Once they might have gone to relax on the sofa to unwind for a while, maybe had a little drink or at least a cup of tea as they adjusted to being at home, but now all they did was spend five minutes fussing over the dogs (or perhaps more accurately, allowing the dogs to fuss over them), then once they were taken care of they headed straight for bed themselves. Neither one of them were thinking about the weekend just gone, nor the one to come where they would be back on the road for Mark’s race in Spa. All Seb and Mark were concerned with was making the most of being at home, however briefly. Just enough time to catch their breath, feel re-connected to their normal family life before leaving it again. And right now all either of them wanted was to climb into their own bed, cuddle up together, close their eyes and _sleep_.

  


  


  


  


Arriving in Spa they had a whole new challenge ahead, Mark and Sebastian’s roles reversed as Mark was due to return to racing while Seb would be waiting, watching, and taking care of their son. They were glad that the family colds had passed seeing as the weather on their arrival in Belgium was wet and unseasonably chilly for the start of May. Even Mark had developed sniffles after the other two had, but using the same nasal inhaler Dr Phillips had recommended for Seb, it miraculously dried up. That felt like a dodged bullet seeing as he had enough to deal with facing his first race back after almost eighteen months away.

Mark was glad that he had at least had testing and a few days at the Porsche base in Stuttgart to ease himself back in. This way he didn’t feel as though he was such a stranger to the team, though actually returning to the WEC paddock did feel pretty strange the first time they walked back in. It was a little strange for Sebastian too. He was so used to being the one who was working, Mark in the supporting role, but in a way it was a relief not to feel the pressure on him and Seb was looking forward to trying to pay Mark back a bit for all he did for him.

There was a part of him that wanted to show he was capable of playing the supportive role as well, particularly given how much Mark had needed to support him lately. Sebastian quietly thought that if he could do this well and take good care of their son, then it really would feel as though he was back to himself, back to feeling capable and responsible, back to being a real grown-up, an equal partner with his troubles left behind him.

  


  


Things started off well enough, a short hop in the plane then an easy transfer to their hotel where the staff had provided a proper cot and high chair for Teddy, being so good as to leave a note in their room to say that if they needed anything for their little one then they need only ask. Sebastian assured Mark that he was happy looking after their son, pootling about the room sorting out their belongings while Mark went off to speak to his boss to check in with the team. Teddy in turn seemed content enough to sit on the floor playing with his toys as his papa walked back and forth around him, unpacking and setting things up for their stay. Seb reflected that though they were only just getting back into it all, their little family was so used to living a peripatetic lifestyle that it was almost second nature to make sure they had all they needed to set up a new temporary home.

It was only when Teddy started toddling around the room that he belatedly realised that his daddy was missing seeing as Mark hadn’t made a point of leaving. He frowned, looking around him before tottering about more urgently.

“Dada?”

Seb turned from where he had been checking that their baby-bag was fully supplied for the next day. He ducked down to look at Teddy.

“It’s alright Liebling.”

“Dada,” pouted Teddy.

“He’s just popped out Schatz. He’ll be back soon.”

As that bottom lip wobbled Seb knew they were in trouble. He picked him up and cuddled him in.

“Don’t cry Teddybär.”

“Dada.”

“I know.”

“Dada _no!”_

 

Several sharp breaths foretold the tears that followed, Seb sighing and jigging the little boy as he tried once again to explain that his father would return soon. It didn’t seem to sink in though, Teddy howled and cried out for Mark over and over. Seb tried talking to him, tried walking about with him, stroking his back, offering him his toys, but nothing consoled the toddler. He worried at the way his son was working himself up into a state, so Sebastian tried to think what might calm him. Clearly Teddy was too young to understand the reason behind what his father was telling him. Gone just meant gone, the length of time irrelevant when Teddy couldn't comprehend what it meant when he was told his daddy would be back ‘soon’.

Abandoning an attempt to read him a story over the noise of wailing, Sebastian went to the bathroom and held his son in one arm to begin running him a bath. Once it was ready Seb undressed Teddy and put him into the warm water, swishing about some bubble-bath and using a flannel to wipe away his tears. Teddy was still crying though, now sitting disconsolately in the bubbles. As he gently wiped at his face once more, Sebastian shook his head.

“Poor thing, I know you want him back, but Daddy is working this weekend. You don’t like when he goes away do you?”

“Papa,” pouted Teddy.

“I know. It must be strange being somewhere else again too. I’m sorry Kleiner.” He tried soaping the flannel softly over his son’s arms and chest to soothe him. “Be just you and me a bit this weekend but we’ll be alright. Papa take care of you, hmm? Papa take care of Teddy.”

Big blue eyes looked back at him as Seb used his softest, most reassuring voice, continuing to smooth over his son’s skin with the warm water until the tears stopped and Teddy merely sat there, still unhappy, but at least calmed. It was hard not to feel a little hurt that their son was so deeply attached to Mark and was unsatisfied by only having Seb there, but Seb reminded himself that this situation was still very new to Teddy. Mark had only been away a couple of times for meetings and testing, nothing really to the amount that Seb had since their son had been with them.

“Not your fault is it Liebling?”

“Papa.”

“Yeah I know.” Sebastian sighed and stroked his cheek. “We’re all having to get used to new things. We’ll adapt, but it will feel strange at first. You’ll get used to it Schatz I promise and it won’t seem so bad. We’ve all just got to get used to new things and then it feel alright. It’ll all be alright.”

Teddy took in a slightly uneven breath, then stretched out his arms.

“Papa ma huh ba.”

Sebastian didn’t know what his son was saying, but those chubby little arms reaching for him where pretty clear in their need, so he paid no attention to the fact Teddy was soaking wet and simply lifted him out of the bath to hug him in, grabbing a towel with one hand to wrap around him so he didn’t get cold. His own t-shirt was sopping wet from where he had held the little boy in against it, but Seb ignored that as he managed to wrap Teddy properly up in a nice warm dry towel, rearranging him so he could sit cuddling him in as Seb perched on the side of the bath. Teddy squashed in and Sebastian wondered if he ought to feel bad at how nice it felt to sense his son needing him and being comforted by his papa, not just his daddy.

He waited until the little boy seemed to relax and be more like his normal self, then Sebastian unwrapped him from the towel, lying Teddy out on the bed to make sure he was properly dry before putting on a nappy and deciding that he might as well go straight into pyjamas seeing as they were nice and comfy. Only once he had sorted that did Seb worry about himself, setting Teddy down to play while he removed the damp t-shirt and pulled on one of Mark’s hoodies. That done he scooped Teddy up along with a couple of his soft toys and sat with him on his knee looking through one of his picture books.

  


“Hello, you two look cosy.”

Sebastian had been so engrossed in sharing the book that he realised he hadn’t noticed Mark entering the room. Teddy looked up as well, his face a picture of delighted surprise.

“Dada!”

Mark smiled and sat with them, accepting Teddy as those little arms went to him and Seb passed their son over.

“Did you miss me mate?”

Seb sent him a look and Mark paused.

“Ah.”

“Mm.”

“Did he get upset?”

“A bit.”

“Sorry. I just thought I’d catch up with the guys while I was at it.”

Sebastian nodded.

“It’s alright. I gave him a bath.”

“Ah, okay. I did wonder about the jammies.”

“I just thought there was no point changing him twice.”

“Course.” Mark peered in at Teddy. “You’ve not been giving Papa a hard time have you kiddo?”

“I managed.”

Mark looked to him.

“Course you did darling. Sorry. My fault for taking so long.”

“It’s okay.”

“Thanks. I just, you know…”

“It’s fine. I understand.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Mark leaned over to kiss Seb’s cheek, then looked down at their son. “Now Teddy you have to be good for Papa this weekend.”

“We’ll be okay.”

Mark simply nodded, not wanting to imply Seb wouldn't be able to manage. He gave Teddy a smile, hoping this wasn’t a foretaste of problems ahead. It didn’t even feel as though he had been gone all that long and Mark didn’t want to feel guilty the whole time. The way his son was leaning into him now did make him worry though.

 

“Do you want a cup of tea?” offered Sebastian.

“Hm? Oh yeah that’d be nice. Thanks sweetheart.”

As Seb got up to make them a drink, Mark stroked their son’s cheek.

“You’ll be alright won’t you kiddo?”

In response he got a rather doleful look from Teddy, leading Mark to wonder how it was his life had come to be so manipulated by pairs of big blue eyes looking up at him. He puffed a breath.

“We’re just gonna have to tough this one out sunshine. You and me both.”

“What was that?” enquired Seb from over where he was brewing tea.

Mark looked up.

“Oh um, nothing really. Shall we call down for some early dinner seeing as he’s already changed for bed?”

“Sure.”

As Seb looked for milk in their mini fridge, Mark looked back to their son.

“Papa’s gonna have to tough it out too mate, so cut him some slack, yeah?”

All he got was a look back before Teddy wriggled to be set down to go play. As Seb came over with their tea Mark gave him a smile and thanked him, hoping they really weren’t in for a difficult time this weekend.

  


  


The next day they were lucky enough that first practice fell when Teddy was occupied taking his morning nap. However later in the afternoon when Mark had to go back to the garage they weren’t so lucky. They had been sitting in the main hospitality area of the Porsche base giving Teddy a snack while they had a coffee, but as time ran out Mark said goodbye and hitched up his bag to go, leaning in to give each of them a kiss on the cheek.

“Could well be after seven by the time I’m done sweetheart so might be best if you go to the hotel ahead of me.”

“Okay.”

“Sorry.”

“No it’s fine. We’ll stay and watch you then head back.”

“Righto.” Mark took a deep breath. “Be a good boy for Papa Teddy.”

“Guh.”

“Yep.” Mark huffed a laugh as they stood with him. “You gonna wish me luck?”

“Of course Liebling. Good luck, not that you need it.”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Only more free practice I guess.”

“You were great this morning. I know you’ll go great again now.”

“Thanks. Okay, better get a shuffle on. Love you.”

Sebastian smiled.

“Love you too Liebling. See you later.”

“I’ll give you a wave if there’s a camera about.”

“Ha, good. We’ll wave back, won’t we Teddy?”

Teddy frowned, looking suspiciously at each of his parents in turn. Seb hitched him up a little, wondering if they were making a mistake fussing over Mark going.

“I think I’d better take him back to your room,” he decided.

“Ah right okay.”

“Dada?” frowned Teddy, offering out his arms.

“Sorry mate I’ve got to go now. Be back later.”

“You just go Liebling,” encouraged Seb, “We’ll be fine.”

 

Mark nodded and stepped away, only for Teddy to shriek and start struggling in Seb’s arms.

“No! Dada!”

Mark sagged, stepping back in.

“C’mon sweetheart, shush now.”

“Dada!” whined Teddy, pulling away from Seb desperately.

Mark sighed and went to take him.

“Liebling I’m not sure…”

Mark lifted Teddy up anyway, hoping to calm him so Seb could take him away more easily.

“Don’t make a big fuss now mate.”

Unfortunately the little boy only started crying louder, clinging around Mark’s neck.

“No Dada,” he pouted plaintively.

“Mark just let me take him.”

 

They looked at one another and Mark realised he had made a mistake giving in to their son’s demands. He really did have to go. How would it look if he was late during his first race weekend back when it felt so important to show his renewed commitment to both the team and the sport. Mark tried prising Teddy’s arms away to hand him back, Seb having to help pull him away as the toddler screamed as if they were doing something terrible. They could feel the eyes of everyone in the room on them, which was hardly surprising given the din Teddy was making. Once Seb had hold of Teddy he grabbed up his bag, Mark left looking on helplessly.

“I’m sorry.”

“He’ll be alright,” insisted Sebastian. “Just go.”

Seeing the torn expression on Mark’s face Seb could tell how hard this was for him and he realised that had come out a bit sharp.

“We’ll be fine Liebling. He’ll calm down. I think maybe he’s just tired. Don’t worry about us.”

The fact that Teddy was continuing to struggle in his arms calling for his dada wasn’t helping, so Seb grappled to get a better hold of him and with a last assurance that they would be okay, hurried off. Mark was left watching them go, hearing his son’s appeals only seeming to get louder as he was whisked from the public area. Once they were out of sight Mark could see the population of the room all looking back at him, so he set off, knowing there was no point trying to tell to the rubber-neckers that they were welcome to try negotiating with a toddler if they thought they could do better.

He set off down the paddock towards the garage, hoping Seb was doing okay and that their son really would calm down quickly enough. It wasn’t like he could go back to help out anyway, so Mark strode on, knowing his only option was to put it out of his mind and focus on work. Teddy was probably just making a fuss for attention, he’d be fine surely?  


  


In Mark’s room Sebastian knelt on the floor watching in despair as Teddy lay face down screaming at the top of his lungs, thrashing his limbs about with an energy Seb hardly knew how he was maintaining. He tried picking him up, but the little boy wrestled out of his arms.

“Come on Teddybär, don’t be like this,” he implored.

“NO!”

Teddy pushed away his hands, now sitting opposite his father scowling at him.

“Please Liebling. Daddy has to work.”

“No. Dada, Dada, _Dada!”_

Sebastian sat back and puffed out a breath thinking that at this volume Mark might very well be able to hear Teddy calling for him. He hoped not seeing as Mark needed to get on with his work. He gave his son another couple of minutes to try to get the worst of it out of his system, then Seb tried picking him up to hold on his knee again. He sat looking at that angry red little face, tears still streaming down those cheeks. Seb couldn't help worrying that his son just didn’t want him. He wanted Mark. Mark was the better parent and Seb was just no good at this. He couldn't cope on his own, he couldn't make his son happy, he couldn't stop him crying. Why wouldn't he stop crying?

“Teddy please don’t get so worked up like this.”

The little boy looked at him, pouting furiously and seeming to hold his breath making that chubby face even more flushed. For a moment Sebastian wanted to panic, to rush to the garage to find Mark and admit defeat. But then his son took in a belated shaky breath and pressed into him, crying such tragic tears that Seb almost wanted to cry with him.

He stroked away the wetness on Teddy’s cheeks and looked into his eyes wondering if at least part of this was about his son’s frustration at being unable to be understood.

“Ah poor thing. You can’t explain it can you? You just want your daddy. I don’t blame you Liebling. If you need to cry then you cry. Just let it out Kleiner. I’m here. Papa’s here. It’s okay.”

Managing to pull a tissue from his pocket, Sebastian attempted to tidy him up as little Teddy continued to shudder with apparent distress. His father held onto the little boy and rocked him against his body, feeling those shaky breaths.

“I know, I know,” he sympathised. “You don’t like being parted from Daddy. I understand Kleiner, believe me.”

That round little face peeked up at him and Sebastian let out a long sigh.

“Ah Teddy don’t look so sad. He’ll be back later. Daddy doesn’t like leaving us, but he’s gone back to driving now. He’s spending as much time as possible with us, but he has to work and we have to support him.”

Teddy scowled at him and Seb might have smiled at such an extreme expression on that cute little face except for how upset he knew his son was. He stroked over his arm and shook his head.

“I don’t much like being apart from Daddy either Liebling. We miss him don’t we? Hmm? It’s not like he wants to be away. He loves us very much. He wants to be with us, it’s just his turn to drive that’s all. It’s his turn. We’ll put on the TV to watch in a bit and give him a wave, yes?”

 

Taking an uneven breath, Teddy pouted some more, then squashed himself back into Seb’s chest. As Seb hugged him in he shook his head.

“I thought it was at two that we were meant to get tantrums, hm? You just getting in there early?” He tried smiling at him. “Honestly, what are you going to be like when you’re a teenager?”

“Papa,” mumbled Teddy into him.

“Mm. Ah dear Teddybär, it’s alright. Come on, let’s get you a drink and calm ourselves down.”

He lifted his son to sit with him on the bed to feed him some water, thinking he wasn’t likely to get to go anywhere else this afternoon. Seb had been thinking it was a shame Jess wasn’t here to pass the time with, but if Teddy was going to be like this maybe it was best that he only had to think of his son. Better perhaps for them just to stay up here out of the way. He checked the time to see when they should switch on the television in the hope of seeing Mark, already praying that the sight of him didn’t set Teddy off again.

  


  


In the Porsche garage Mark was trying to concentrate on telemetry data, but the back of his mind was still concerned with how upset his son was. Perhaps given his reaction to his earlier work trips away they shouldn't be surprised, but it was still hard to witness. He hoped Teddy had settled down by now. Mark wondered if that was normal, if every parent returning to work after leave with a baby had the same problem. It wasn’t as if they were leaving their son with adults he didn’t know. He was with Seb, so surely that ought to be okay?

Perhaps it was being out here at a racetrack where their son might associate racing with being left with his daddy, not his papa, and the change unsettled him? Then again at least his job gave him a large amount of time that he could be with him normally. If Mark had an ordinary nine-to-five occupation then they might have to endure such scenes every morning. He didn’t know about Seb, but Mark was sure he couldn't cope with that each day. His husband had practically had to haul their son off him earlier and the distress in Teddy’s voice, the look in those blue eyes, had just killed Mark when he had to walk away.

He hoped that as Teddy got more used to their change in circumstances he might accept it more. If not then Seb’s parents were going to have a hell of a time with their grandson when they were looking after him prior to Le Mans. If only there was another way round that, but Mark couldn't think how when Seb would be out in Canada for his race when Mark needed to get out to France ready for the build up to the biggest race of the year.

“So that’s all clear then Mark?” checked the engineer.

Mark looked at him, panicking slightly as he realised he had been totally distracted then, just as he had told himself _not_ to be.

“Um, don’t spose you could just run it past me again to be really sure?” he tried.

Thankfully the engineer nodded and Mark pushed aside the realisation he must seem like an idiot just the same as he had to forget thinking about his family worries. Seb would tell him off for not concentrating. Mark smiled a little at that and then closed all non-work thoughts off. Task in hand and nothing else. If he was going to do this then he’d sure as hell better make sure his family’s sacrifices were worth it.

  


  


The next day they didn’t make the same mistake as the one before. Despite Seb’s assurance that Teddy had calmed down (he left out the ‘eventually’ from his recount) the previous day, they made sure they weren’t in a public area when Mark needed to make his exit to go to take part in the last free practice session. Instead they were in Mark’s room at the base, Teddy distracted by his toys as he played on the floor when his parents quietly stood. Seb gave Mark a kiss on the cheek, seeing how he was looking at their son.

“I feel bad sneaking off,” Mark whispered.

“Don’t Liebling. He’ll be fine. You just concentrate on what you’ve got to do today.”

“Hmm.”

Mark gazed over at Teddy who was currently patting his chubby little hand into his soft dinosaur toy in what his father presumed was meant to be an effort to stroke him. It felt no better leaving him without his son realising he was going than him screaming the place down, but at least this way it might prove marginally easier for Seb.

“Okay, well at least today’s a shorter day.”

“Yeah big day tomorrow.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Gotta get through today first.”

“You’ll do great.”

“I’ll be back for lunch.”

“Sure. Oh I was thinking maybe later if it’s okay maybe I could bring him to the garage?” proposed Sebastian. “Quali should be done by four shouldn't it? So maybe I don’t know, five-ish? If the team don’t mind that is?”

Mark smiled and nodded.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“You’ll check though?”

“Course.” Mark looked over to their son again and sighed. “Feels wrong to not at least say goodbye.”

“Mark.”

They eye-balled one another for a moment, then Mark nodded. After all Seb would be the one to have to deal with the consequences.

“Right.”

“We’ll see you later then.”

“Yep.”

“Love you.”

Mark smiled and looked properly to Seb again.

“You too sweetheart. Good luck.”

“Ha, I thought I was meant to say that to you.”

Huffing a little laugh, Mark indicated with his head over to their son.

“Think I know what the bigger challenge is.”

“Mm.”

“Ah well. Later then.”

“Give us a wave.”

“Will do.”

 

Mark tiptoed out and closed the door as silently as possible, then Sebastian knelt back down on the floor to join their son playing. As Seb picked up the toy penguin to try to entertain Teddy by making it dance he knew that distracting him was only delaying the inevitable. When the little boy realised his daddy had gone awol again he would get upset. Seb didn’t think he could prevent it, and as he thought that he found that accepting it made the anticipation a little easier. Teddy would cry and he would let him and then he would offer what comfort he could so that his son understood that it was okay. Seb would make sure Teddy felt safe and loved and he would try not to take it too personally that their son pined for his other father so much.

As Teddy took the toy penguin for himself, Seb leaned over to kiss the top of his son’s blonde head.

“Just what you’re used to isn’t it Kleiner?”

Teddy frowned and looked up to him.

“Papa?”

Giving him a smile, Seb petted the soft penguin.

“I brought the book too Teddybär, in fact we’ve got two books with penguin in. Maybe later on we’ll get you some nice warm milk and have a little story-time? Yeah, we’ll do that later I think.”

Teddy clambered onto his lap and Seb hugged him in. Perhaps he couldn’t prevent his son missing his daddy, but if he could at least help him calm down afterwards then that was something. He should stop worrying about his own inadequacies or otherwise and concern himself with just looking after Teddy. He was the priority, not himself. As long as Sebastian stayed focussed on that then surely they would both be doing better?

 

  


Given the busy schedule at any WEC weekend with all the different categories of racing going on there wasn’t much of a window when Seb could bring Teddy for a visit. Mark had reconfirmed that he was okay to pop down to the garage with a text, so Sebastian fitted his son’s ear-protectors on to dampen out the noise from the racing on track and headed on along the paddock, keeping Teddy held in away from prying eyes. Of course there had been another palaver when their son had realised Mark had left them again in the afternoon, but Seb thought his son’s distress was becoming shorter in duration before he responded to his papa’s attempts to comfort him. He hoped so anyway and it wasn’t just that he was getting more conditioned to them. Otherwise tomorrow was going to feel even longer than the extended schedule already promised.

As he approached the back of the Porsche garage, Sebastian hitched Teddy up and lifted off one of his ear covers.

“So this is where Daddy works Schatz. We’re just going to say hello then we’ll go back to the hotel I think.”

Teddy frowned and Seb wondered how much of this he was taking in. He was rather hoping that showing their son where his father was going when he left them might give him some context so he understood more of what was going on, but Seb wasn’t entirely convinced it would make all that much difference. Worth a go though.

He stepped inside to the rear of the garage, giving a few polite nods to the team members who were busy working before going to hover at the entrance of the main garage. It was fairly noisy so Seb popped the ear-defender back in place for his son, then looked around for Mark, catching Jenson’s eye before he saw his husband. Jenson waved over to Mark who was talking with his team-mates, then strode over to say hello.

“Hey Seb.”

“Hey.”

“And you buddy,” Jenson smiled to Teddy who merely stared back at him seeing as he couldn't hear him.

“Oh hey you’re here,” greeted Mark as he hurried over.

“We’re not too early are we?” checked Seb.

“No we’re good. Pit walk’s on in a bit so…”

“Right well we won’t stay long.”

“It’s fine. Everyone wants to say hello.”

Mark ducked his head in to look at Teddy, so Seb moved the ear-cover for a moment.

“Daddy’s saying hello Schatz.”

“Hi sweetheart, you being good for Papa?”

Teddy looked at him, then turned into Seb, making Jenson laugh.

“Uh oh.”

“I think I’m in bad books,” commented Mark.

“Ah now don’t sulk Teddy,” Seb counselled, “Daddy wants to show you around.”

Mark reached to tickle his son’s cheek.

“C’mon mate cheer up.”

“You gonna go to Daddy?”

Teddy paused, looking first to Seb before turning slightly, making all of them laugh as the little boy seemed to relent.

“C’mere.”

Sebastian passed Teddy over to Mark and the little boy at last gave in and put his arms around his father’s neck. Seb rubbed over their son’s back and smiled at him.

“Good boy,” he encouraged.

“He been alright?” Mark checked.

“Pretty much.”

Mark huffed a laugh, guessing what that meant. No wonder Teddy had the hump with him.

 

As Mark took Teddy to show off the garage to him (or perhaps to show his son off to his team Sebastian suspected) Seb hung back a moment with Jenson.

“I asked Mark if you fancied joining me for dinner seeing as I’m all on my lonesome.”

Seb turned to him.

“Oh um, I’m not sure we’re really up to going out with Teddy here.”

“I was just thinking the hotel restaurant.”

“Ah I see.”

“Just an idea.”

Sebastian looked at his friend, wondering if those jokes about him being lonely with Jess not here weren’t entirely jokes.

“Um, yeah if we could do it early I guess. Sorry, just he’ll need to getting tired by like half-seven.”

“Mark will?”

Seb pulled a face.

“Teddy.”

Jenson cracked up, causing Seb to roll his eyes before his friend gave up teasing him.

“Course, well we’ve done the debrief already, just a bit more prep I reckon.”

“Sure,” nodded Seb, looking over to where Mark was showing Teddy his car. “I’ll just check with Mark.”

“Righto.”

As Seb went over to join the rest of his family Jenson looked on, hoping he hadn’t sounded too pathetic just then. From what Mark had told him it sounded as though having their kid with them here was a bit of a nightmare at times, but Jenson couldn't help being a bit jealous of Mark having his family there to support him. Mark looked so proud to be toting his son around the garage and as Seb stood beside him, his hand resting casually on his husband's back as they chatted to Andreas, Jenson thought how proud in turn Seb looked of Mark. He knew he was never going to be top of their priority list these days, but a bit of company tonight at least would be nice.

  


When Mark had shown their son around and introduced him to people for a while, the little boy seemed to have cheered up considerably. Returning to the back of the garage, Mark kissed Teddy’s cheek then handed him back to Sebastian.

“Did you like that mate?”

“Dada.”

“I think he did,” decided Seb. “Hm? Like coming to see Daddy, don’t you Teddy?”

Teddy looked at his parents for a moment, then turned his head to stare at the car he had been shown. Mark huffed a laugh.

“I’ll have to get him a toy version to play with.”

“Oh that’s a good idea Liebling.”

“Would you like that sweetheart?” asked Mark, touching his son’s cheek.

“Dada?”

“Would you like a toy version of Daddy’s car?”

“ _Caah_.”

Both parents laughed at that and Sebastian let out a sigh, thinking it had felt a while since he had laughed.

“You alright darling?” Mark checked.

Sebastian nodded.

“Yeah. A little tired I guess.”

“Mm.”

“Sorry. I know you still have work to do.”

“Nah that’s alright. You take him back to the hotel.”

“Okay.”

“You up for having dinner with JB then?”

“Um, sure. I’ll sort Teddy out beforehand. Feed him and…” Seb paused. “Do you think we can take him down to sit in the restaurant in his PJs?”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“I doubt anyone but you or I will even notice darling, but yes, might as well have him all ready for bed then we can put him straight down after.”

“Righto. See you later then Liebling.”

  


  


Thus it was that Teddy sat dressed in his soft, stretchy little night onesie as his parents ate dinner in the hotel restaurant accompanied by their friend who was busy updating them on his wife’s latest project, Seb far too polite to say that he had already heard all about it directly from the horse’s mouth. He was concentrating rather more on keeping his son sat comfortably on his knee whilst he attempted to eat at least some of his dinner.

“You alright there mate?” sympathised Jenson as Seb shifted the little boy a fraction to support him with one arm so he could get his fork to his mouth with his free hand.

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Do you want me to take him?” Mark offered.

“It’s okay.”

As Teddy rested his cheek into Seb’s chest, his father wrapped his arm a little more around him. Mark looked at his husband's plate seeing it considerably fuller than his or Jenson’s.

“You sure?” he double-checked.

Sebastian felt his son sigh into him and shook his head.

“I don’t want to disturb him.”

“Fair enough,” agreed Mark.

  


Ten minutes later Teddy opened his mouth wide in comically slow-motion yawn.

“Oh dear,” smiled Mark.

Jenson smiled too, thinking their kid really was pretty cute at times.

“I take it we’re not having dessert then.”

Mark looked at his watch. Nearly eight o’clock. By British time that was seven and no good came of fighting their son’s bodyclock unless they really had to. Seb’s plate was still half full though.

“Um sweetheart what do you want to do?”

“We should take him up. Sorry Jenson.”

“Oh no that’s alright.” Jenson gave Seb a wink. “Pudding was never really on the menu for us was it?”

Seb smiled back.

“Not really. It’s okay, I’m not all that hungry.”

“Sweetheart you’ve barely touched it,” argued Mark. “Why don’t we just ask them to send it up to our room?”

“I don’t want to put them to any trouble.”

Mark shook his head.

“I’m pretty sure they won’t mind too much.” He looked around and caught the attention of a waiter. “Hiya mate, could you do us a favour? This little one’s all tuckered out.”

Sebastian sighed as Mark insisted on sorting it all. Teddy was almost asleep into him now though and they really did need to head up.

  


Quarter of an hour later they were in their room, Teddy fast asleep in his cot as Sebastian sat cross-legged on the bed picking at his re-convened meal balanced in front of him.

“I didn’t embarrass you making a fuss down there did I?” worried Mark.

“Hm? Oh no it’s okay. You’re very thoughtful Liebling.”

Mark gave a tiny nod of his head, not wanting to say he was concerned his husband didn’t lose any more weight after their recent trials. It was bad enough if Seb was having a stressful time dealing with their son this weekend, Mark didn’t want him neglecting himself, missing out on meals as he looked after Teddy.

  


Only after Seb had eaten and the plate been left outside for collection did they really talk. A film was playing out quietly on the television in the background, but neither of them were paying it much attention.

“How are you feeling about tomorrow?” Seb enquired.

Mark shrugged.

“Dunno. Okay I guess. Decent enough starting position, not that I’m doing that.”

“You’re in the middle.”

“Yep. They probably thought that was safest for me first time back. Starts never were my forté.”

“Tsk, Mark you’ve had loads of good starts. I’m sure it’s not that. They need someone reliable for the middle stint and you’re very dependable.”

Mark chuckled and kissed Seb’s cheek.

“High praise indeed.”

“I meant it in a nice way.”

“I know you did darling. Thank you. Worse things in life than being dependable.”

“I think it’s a very good thing to be.”

Mark looked into his eyes and nodded. That did matter to Seb.

“Course it is sweetheart. Anyway I’m happy enough in that slot. To be honest I still feel a bit as though I’m still just settling back in.”

“Of course you do Liebling. I did last weekend and I’d only been away a few weeks. You’ve been off for ages.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Cheers.”

“I meant…”

“I know darling. You’re dead right. It’s been heck of a long time really, so I spose I’m not doing too badly.”

“You’re doing great.”

“An impartial observation, obviously,” smiled Mark.

Sebastian shrugged.

“I’m very partial.”

He smiled as that made Mark laugh.

“Still true though,” Seb insisted.

“Well thank you sweetheart. How about you? How you feeling about tomorrow?”

“I know you’re going to go great.”

Mark laughed.

“No sweetheart I mean you. You gonna be alright stuck with Teddy all day?”

“I want to look after him.”

“I know. Long day though, particularly if he’s gonna kick off again.”

Seb sighed.

“I’m doing my best with him.”

“Seb, I know you are. I meant him. I mean he’s cried for me plenty of times.”

“I noticed.”

“No I meant for me as in when he’s with me, when I’ve been looking after him.”

“Oh I see. Sorry.”

“I just meant that’s how he is sometimes.”

“He does miss you though,” admitted Seb.

Mark took Seb’s hand in his.

“Sweetheart he’s just not used to it. He was a bit better today wasn’t he?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian saw the concern on Mark’s face and didn’t want to add to all he was dealing with this weekend. “Yeah he was much better today Liebling.”

“You mean he didn’t scream the place down.”

Seb gave him a half-smile.

“That’s an improvement on yesterday.”

“Ha, small mercies,” agreed Mark.

“We’ll be alright Liebling.”

 

“Mm, okay well, maybe, I was just thinking with it being such a long day for the race. I mean with the early autograph sessions and all the prep work it’s gonna be well over a twelve hour day tomorrow. You don’t need to be there for all that early stuff. You’d just be stuck in the base on your own.”

“With Teddy.”

“Well precisely. So why don’t you guys stick here in the morning and just come along later? You won’t be missing anything.”

“Um. I don’t know. Don’t you want us to go in with you?”

“Darling I’ll be off at the crack of dawn.”

“I don’t mind.”

Mark kissed his cheek.

“I know, but Teddy might. It’s not like I’ll be with you seeing as I’ll be working.”

“I suppose.”

“You could just take your time getting him ready, find something to do with him here to keep him busy.”

“There is a pool downstairs I suppose.”

“Ah now that’s a good idea,” approved Mark.

“We’d still be there to support you in the race.”

“Of course. Couldn't do without that.”

Sebastian looked out through the gap they had left between the partition doors to the living area so they could see their son sleeping without disturbing him too much.

“Okay Liebling, we’ll do that then,” he agreed, thinking that at least he could hopefully keep Teddy occupied and happy enough early on. “You can just concentrate on what you need to do then.”

“Sure.”

“Don’t be worrying about us Liebling. We’ll be fine.”

Mark nodded and glanced over to their son as well. So peaceful and quiet now of course. He only hoped Seb was so lucky tomorrow. Right now that was more on his mind than the actual race itself. Maybe they could both use a bit of luck on race day.

  


 

* * *

 


	265. Alternate Views - Pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a nice break over Christmas and New Year.

* * *

 

 

It really was going to be a very long day on Saturday for everyone, starting with autograph sessions first thing, going through until the race in the afternoon not due to end until eight pm, followed of course by the usual commitments to media and finishing up with the team. Endurance didn’t only apply to the race and the racers, but those there supporting them too.

In the end both Mark and Seb ended up thinking that it was a good decision for Mark to go on ahead to the circuit in the morning while Seb took Teddy swimming at the hotel’s pool, not catching up until shortly before Mark would get his lunch-break ahead of things really kicking off in the afternoon.

As Mark changed ready to go down to the garage ahead of the race, Sebastian sat on the little bed sharing Teddy’s board books with him. Teddy was on his lap, already showing signs of post-lunch dip in energy.

“I think he’ll go down for his nap soon,” he commented.

“Good.”

Mark sat beside them to do up his racing boots, then looked in at their son.

“You gonna be a good lad today?”

“He has been getting better.”

“Mm. You gonna stay in here?” Mark asked Seb, not much liking how long he was going to be cooped up.

“If he’s in a good mood later we can watch from downstairs for a bit.”

“Right.”

“You’re still second stint, yes?”

“Yep.”

 

Sebastian nodded, glancing out of the little window to see that whilst there was a grey sky out, it didn’t appear to be threatening rain. Maybe staying hidden away in here the whole time wasn’t really helping Teddy, or indeed him.

“Well we might go for a little wander,” he decided, “see if we can spot you if I can find a quiet vantage point.”

Mark smiled in at their son.

“You gonna come wave at Daddy mate?”

“Dada weh.”

“Weh?”

Sebastian shrugged.

“Maybe he means where?” He angled his head to look at Teddy. “Where will Daddy be? Is that it?”

“I’m gonna be driving kiddo, out on the track like Papa does.”

“We have been watching.”

“Mm, maybe it’s the closed cockpit,” mused Mark. “Perhaps it’s that he can’t see me?”

Talking about that reminded him of something.

“Oh, bother I meant to give him this earlier.”

He hurriedly searched in his bag and brought out a small box containing a model version of his own LMP1 Porsche racing car.

“Someone on the team did me a favour and found one for me,” he explained.

“Oh cool.”

“It’s for Teddy.”

Sebastian laughed.

“Yes Liebling, I presumed so.”

“I think it’s the sort people collect but I’m guessing the wheels go round.”

“Teddy look what Daddy’s got you.”

 

All of them knelt on the floor, Mark handing over the small presentation box. Teddy peered in through the plastic window to see the contents, then shook it rather violently.

“Ooh don’t break it Schatz. Here let me.”

Seb managed to take it from him and succeeded in prising open the flaps to take the model car out, undoing the little twist-ties to release it from the cardboard backing. As their son watched curiously on, Mark took it to place on the floor, giving it an experimental push.

“Oh hey there we go, it does have proper wheels. Here you go mate.”

Teddy copied his father, clumsily pushing the car back and forth.

“Vroom vroom like Daddy,” encouraged Seb.

Mark laughed.

“Let’s hope I do go vroom vroom.”

 

The little boy looked up at his parents laughing and Mark chubbed his cheek.

“That’s like my car sweetheart, like I showed you yesterday in the garage.”

“Daddy’s car,” repeated Sebastian. He pointed at the car, then Mark. “Daddy.”

The little boy frowned and Mark shook his head.

“Not quite sure he’s getting it.”

“No well never mind.”

“Probably wondering how I fit in such a tiny car.”

Seb shook his head and they both watched for another moment as Teddy pushed the car about.

“It was nice of you to get it for him.”

“Can’t take credit for the legwork, but hopefully it might keep him busy.”

“Mm.”

Mark saw the way Seb looked at Teddy.

“You gonna be alright?”

 

Sebastian restrained himself from saying _‘yes Mark I can cope you know?’._ He simply nodded, knowing how important a positive mindset was going into a race, particularly seeing as it was his husband's first one back. He passed Teddy to Mark for a cuddle, knowing he too found it hard to be parted from their son. Then he took him back to sit on the bed again, turning the little boy to sit facing away and pointing at his book on the bed for him to look there before subtly speaking to Mark.

“You’re going to go great.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m already so proud of you Liebling. Teddy will be too when he understands a bit more what this is all about.”

Mark took in a deep breath. It would be nice to have his family there, watching on in the garage to support him, but support from slightly further away meant no less. If only he didn’t have to feel so guilty about his son.

Seb saw it on his face, knowing Mark was struggling.

“He will you know Liebling. He’s just too little yet to appreciate what’s going on.”

“Yeah, thanks sweetheart. Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling.”

Seb gave him a kiss and Mark wished he could lean in to kiss the top of Teddy’s head, but that might call him back from his colourful distractions so he stood and gathered up his things to go, Seb giving him a discreet wave before Mark opened and closed the door as silently as possible and Seb went back to discussing the books with their son.

 

He stretched it out for as long as possible, but inevitably after a few minutes Teddy turned his head looking for Mark and Seb sighed to see that little face drop.

“Dada?”

It was hard not to think _‘Oh god, here we go again,_ ’ when that bottom lip quivered and tears followed. Sebastian hugged the little boy in and let him cry it out, trying to soothe Teddy with his voice as he talked to him. He spotted Mark’s hoody at the foot of the bed and dragged it over, offering it to Teddy to cling to. The toddler hugged it like a teddy-bear and Seb leaned in to place his cheek into his son’s blonde hair.

“Does it smell of Daddy Liebling? Is that nice?”

He placed his own nose a little closer to inhale it and Seb thought the top did rather have Mark’s scent about it. Seeing as it was the Porsche one Mark had been wearing all morning that wasn’t so surprising. It seemed to do the trick with Teddy. He didn’t quiet right away, but the comforting feeling of being held close, added to the mix of familiar scents of both his parents combined with feeling tiredness usual with being due his nap at around this time. Teddy hung onto the soft hoody as he turned more into Seb who looked down at him.

“That better Teddybär? Good. Don’t get so upset Liebling. You know Daddy will come back to just as soon as he can. He loves you so much Schatz, and so do I. Papa and Daddy love you so much, so much.”

Teddy looked up at him and Seb smoothed away the wetness on his cheeks.

“So much Kleiner. We only go away when we have to work you know. Daddy has a very important job to do today. He’s going to be in his race-car like he showed you yesterday. Do you remember that? Hmm? Daddy’s race-car.”

 

He found the toy car to show the little boy.

“Daddy in his race-car.”

“Caah.”

Seb huffed a laugh and kissed his forehead.

“That’s right. Now if you have a little nap with me here then we’ll look to see when Daddy’s out on track and we can go see if we can see him.” He smiled at the repetition. “See if we can see Daddy. Would you like that?”

“Eee.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeh.”

“Yeah. See Daddy.”

“Eee Dah-dee.”

Sebastian raised his eyebrows.

“Daddy?” he tested.

“Dahdee,” echoed Teddy.

“Wow,” smiled Seb. “Gosh won’t Daddy like that? We’ll have to work on it won’t we?”

Teddy let out a long sigh, leaning his head further into him.

“Later perhaps,” Seb nodded. “I think now it’s nap-time isn’t it?”

“Papa,” sighed Teddy.

Sebastian smiled again thinking how much easier his was to say. He was sure Mark would be thrilled to hear their son attempting to get closer to his name. As the little boy drooped more into him Seb lifted him carefully to lie out on the bed, shifting over to the edge to give his son room. He tucked Mark’s hoody around him like a blanket and watched as those blue eyes fell shut, one little hand still grasping hold of the soft fleeciness around him.

 

Sighing, Sebastian gently stroked his son’s cheek as he looked down at him. How confusing it must still be for Teddy; new surroundings yet again, new people around him and being parted from his daddy when that was still a relatively new experience and one their son definitely wasn’t keen on. He hadn’t cried for so long today though, nor thrown such a tantrum, so maybe they were making progress? Seb had no idea if he was really helping or if their son was simply getting more used to how things were. Perhaps if he braved taking him out later to look for Mark on track that would help them both? Fresh air and a change of scene rather than this cramped little room all day had to be something anyway. If Teddy cried and people looked, then let them look. No more hiding away.

  


  


The atmosphere in the garage was far more frenetic; a buzz thrummed about the place as last minute checks were carried out and everyone made sure that they were fully prepared to take the cars to the grid for the long race ahead. With little to do himself Mark took a moment to watch the scene from a quieter spot back of the garage out of everyone’s way. He didn’t notice Jenson sidling up until he gave him a friendly elbow.

“Alright mate?” Jenson checked.

“Yep, good, yeah.”

“Yeah?” Jenson studied his friend, wondering if he didn’t seem a little preoccupied. “Teddy not giving you trouble again?”

Mark puffed a long breath.

“Hardly his fault.”

“No of course not.”

Looking more to him, Mark shook his head.

“Poor kid, I hate feeling like I’m abandoning him.”

“Ah it’s hardly that.”

“I think it feels that way to him.”

“Mate come on, toddlers have tantrums. I’m pretty sure that’s par for the course.”

Mark could have pointed out that his friend was hardly an expert on children, but that wasn’t fair, especially when Mark suspected he was right.

“I guess. Just a bit of a rough patch. I feel bad for Seb though.”

“Don’t you deal with it all the time at his races?”

“Not quite the same mate,” Mark countered. “Teddy’s not used to it being me driving and… I dunno.”

“What?”

Mark paused.

“Just… I spose it’s a change for all of us.”

“And you’ve not had the easiest of times lately.”

 

Mark only gave a slight inclination of his head at that. He hadn’t told his friend half of what had really been troubling them. Though Jenson like the rest knew Seb had been unwell, Mark had done little more than hint that things had been difficult. Getting no more, Jenson guessed that prying would not be welcomed and left it at that.

“Mm I guess,” Mark allowed. “Maybe it is unsettling for him, Teddy I mean.”

“Sure.”

“We’ve been doing better though. Really, we’ve been fine. I just don’t want it to be a strain on him.”

“Who, Seb?”

“Yeah. God that sounds awful doesn’t it?”

“No.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“No mate, course not. I don’t think I’d cope very well with a kid screaming at me.”

 

Mark gave a shake of his head. He didn’t think Jenson would last more than thirty seconds with a crying toddler. Seb would of course be infinitely better placed to cope, but it did worry Mark about him potentially finding it stressful.

“I’m not trying to say Seb can’t manage.” Mark frowned. “He won’t think I’m suggesting that will he?”

“Mark, course he won’t.”

“Hmm.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“Sort of. He says he’s fine.”

“So what makes you think he’s not?”

“Well apart from anything else it’s a hell of a lot longer for my races than his.”

“Not much you can do about that.”

“Maybe I’m just worrying, you know…”

“Feeling guilty?”

“Exactly.” Mark gave him a wry smile. “My mum reckons kids usually throw a bit of a blue fit and then calm down once you’re out of sight.”

“Ha, sounds about right. Emotional blackmail toddler style.”

“Ah it’s not deliberate.”

“I was kidding mate. Listen, I’ll bet it’s just like you said; it’s a big change for all of you. You included.”

“I suppose it is. You know when we got into all this I knew there’d be tough things to deal with, especially it being me taking time out to look after Teddy, but I never appreciated that _this_ would be so tough.”

”You mean coming back to work?”

“Yeah.” Mark shrugged. “I dunno, like I said it’s all of us adjusting right now. I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure you will too mate. I reckon you should listen to your mum, don’t stress about it and trust your husband.”

Mark opened his mouth at that.

“I _do_ trust him.”

Jenson shrugged.

“So, you don’t need to worry then. Surely can’t be the first time Teddy’s bawled the place down.”

Mark huffed a dry laugh.

“God no.”

“There we are then.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“You good?”

“Mm, thank you.”

“Time to get your head straight before you get in the car later.”

Mark chuckled and nodded.

“Cheers.”

“No bother. Well, seeing as I’m first up with my lot I’d better skiddadle.”

“Good luck.”

“Cheers.”

Jenson was about to say good luck to Mark too in case he didn’t see him before his stint when the engines were started up and everything was drowned out. Instead he simply gave his friend the thumbs up which Mark returned before Jenson went to get a last word with his engineers.

 

Left alone for a moment, Mark sought his phone in his bag over to the side. He pulled it out to send a message.

MARK: Hey sweetheart, not sure if you’ll have your hands full but I hope you’re ok. Just kicking my heels a bit before it all kicks off. Love you. xox

The reply came sooner than he expected.

SEB: Hey. Yeah we’re ok. Teddy’s having his nap & I’m just waiting for the coverage to start in a minute.

Mark relaxed at reading that. Things couldn't be too bad if their son was asleep already.

MARK: Glad to hear that. Knew you’d handle it. I’m calling you the toddler whisperer from now on. ;)

SEB: Ha, hardly that. He really was mostly tired I think.

MARK: Righto, better go. Love you.

SEB: Love you too Liebling. Teddy’s very excited to watch his Daddy racing later.

Mark huffed a laugh.

MARK: I thought you said he was asleep?

SEB: He’s saving his energy for cheering you. Have a great race Liebling & don’t worry about us. We’ll be here when you come back. xox

Mark stared at that last message for a while, a smile on his face. His family would be there waiting for him when he got back. Wasn’t that the nicest feeling? Seb was taking care of their son and Mark didn’t need to worry about him or Teddy. Perhaps he had got so used to being the one who had to take care of them both, especially lately when Seb had been off. Jenson’s use of the word trust had jolted him. He did trust his husband. He did have faith that he could cope.

Maybe he needed to show him that more? Or maybe Mark just needed to remind himself of it more? Things changed. He was back at work, so was Seb. Their son was getting older and expressing himself more, not always in the easiest of ways, but then it wasn’t easy for little Teddy either. They would all adapt and hopefully grow with it (their son literally so). Mark didn’t need to feel such guilt at leaving them for a while to focus on himself for a while. All he had to do now was do his family proud in the race. It seemed a minor challenge by comparison.

 

  


After they had watched Mark racing for a little while on the television, Sebastian looked in at Teddy.

“Shall we go out Liebling? See if we can spot Daddy.”

“Dah-dee.”

Sebastian smiled and chubbed his son’s round cheek.

“Good boy, that’s it.”

Teddy smiled back and Seb huffed a laugh to see him happy. Now seemed a good time to make the most of it.

  


A few minutes later they were out in the paddock, both wearing hoodies against the cool May air. Seb was rather glad of it though seeing as it gave him the excuse to put Teddy’s hood up, ear-defenders over the top to keep his son as covered up as possible. He carried him in his arms, bag over his shoulder as he strode off in what he hoped was a good direction to go. It was pretty up and down when you were carrying the weight of a child and a packed bag, but then they were in Spa. As it was race day there were plenty of people about, but most of them were busy watching the action on track and Seb had tried to make themselves look as anonymous as possible, so he managed to go along without attracting attention.

Finding a spot where they could see over the barrier through the fencing by one of the corners, Sebastian stopped and hitched Teddy up. While it was quiet he lifted up one ear-cover to speak to him.

“Okay Schatz so we’re looking for one of the white cars like your new toy. Hopefully we’ll be able to see him slowing down for the bend.”

Teddy frowned and Seb huffed a laugh knowing that was too complicated.

“We’re looking for Daddy Liebling. Wave to Daddy.”

“Dah-dee.”

“Yep, wave to Daddy.”

Demonstrating the wave Seb smiled as his son waved back at him.

“That’s it. Ooh cars coming, let’s pop your ear-cover back.”

“Caah!” shouted Teddy excitedly.

Seb nodded, then set about scanning the incoming cars for a Porsche that might be Mark’s.

“Look there’s Daddy!”

Quickly, Seb moved the ear-cover a moment to make sure his son understood.

“Daddy Liebling. Look!”

Once he had made sure his ears were protected again Seb hurriedly pointed to the approaching car, mouthing ‘Daddy’, hoping Teddy could appreciate that it was his father in there. Seb shifted him higher as the car got closer, decreasing in speed to take the bend. Then he freed one hand again to wave, looking to Teddy who seemed to catch on and copied him.

  


Despite the fact that the little boy seemed a little confused about the specifics and waved at pretty much every car that went past, no matter how dissimilar to the one his father drove. Then after a couple of laps he seemed to pick up more on how excited his papa got at one white car in particular. Seb was pretty sure his son was enjoying himself, so they stayed in place. If there weren’t too many other cars making a lot of noise around Mark’s car, then Seb moved his son’s ear-piece to inform him it was his father's car and Teddy seemed to grasp things more.

“Teddy look it’s Daddy!”

“Dah-dee!”

There was such enthusiasm in his voice and Teddy looked more excited and happy than he had all weekend. Seb shifted him to hold him higher, seeing cars coming closer he fitted the ear-cover back over and mouthed it again.

“Teddy, look!”

Teddy stared at him, then followed the pointed finger to look at the approaching car coming towards the bend where they stood. Seb waved and Teddy copied him, waving with such fervour that Seb thought it almost a shame that Mark wouldn’t be able to see them. Then again if he thought about it Seb didn’t want Mark to be looking at them when he was driving. He reconciled that even at cornering speed his husband would still be going way too fast to take in the fleeting sight of his family peeking over a barrier, no matter how energetic their waving and calling was.

The idea of Mark’s mind not being fully on the job in hand sent Seb’s heart skipping dangerously for a moment, but he told himself to calm down and be rational. Mark would be far too busy, and was far too professional to do anything silly. Besides which, Sebastian hadn’t told him where they would watch from, so it wasn’t as if Mark could know to look for them here.

He smiled at his son, reminding himself not to allow any ridiculous anxieties creep in. Mark would be fine. He was going well in the race and they were just having a nice time supporting him. No spoiling this by worrying and potentially letting his son sense that. Seb knew he ought to be grateful that he had found a nice involving activity that Teddy was so whole-heartedly enjoying. Seb knew he had to simply shut frightening thoughts out, if only for the sake of Teddy who needed him to radiate confidence and calmness so he would feel that way too. Slam that door hard and focus just as Mark was on the task in hand.

 

“Oh here he comes again,” Seb realised, his mind thankfully drawn back to this. “Here’s Daddy. Wave!”

Teddy did just as his father did, waving and shouting each time with an exuberance undimmed after having done so half a dozen times already.

“This is him. White car remember,” Seb spoke into his son’s ear, “here’s Daddy.”

As he covered his ear again Teddy was already looking out at the track for the oncoming car, waving and calling out.

“Dahdee, Dahdee, Dah-dee!” he sing-songed.

Sebastian smiled, but as Teddy waved after the now departing car sailing off into the distance, it seemed far more poignant.

“Daddy, Daddy.”

Sebastian sighed and kissed his cheek as his son looked to him once his father's car had disappeared from view.

“Daddy?” frowned the little boy.

Lifting his ear-defender, Seb looked into his son’s eyes hoping this didn’t spell another problem.

“He has to go on round Kleiner, that’s how it works.”

That little forehead furrowed further and Sebastian knew he was too young to comprehend, so as another group of cars approached he covered his son’s ears and waited for one more pass so they could wave to Mark before finally stepping away.

“Daddy,” pouted Teddy.

Sebastian got a little further away to try to speak to him.

“We’ll see him later. Time to go find a snack for you and see if the nice staff at the base will warm some milk for you to drink. We can still watch Daddy on the television, then when he’s done maybe you and I can play race-cars in his room, yeah?”

That bottom lip was wobbling dangerously, but Teddy paused.

“Caah.”

“Yeah. There we go, we’ll play race-cars and you can be like Daddy. That keep you happy?”

Worth a go at least, Seb thought. If he was lucky maybe they could have their snack in the hospitality area and he could get a decent cup of coffee. Still a long day ahead, but so long as Teddy was happy and Mark was safe, that was all Seb really cared about.

  


  


Mark’s stint ran rather longer than initially planned, but even when he was done he didn’t feel as though he could leave the garage while the race continued with his team-mate at the helm. First off he wanted to keep a close eye on the action, and second if anything happened then there was a chance he might be called back into service with little or no notice. So once he had completed his initial debrief he stayed put, watching on with the others, listening in to team radio on his headset and trusting that Seb was succeeding in keeping their son at least reasonably content back at the base.

It was almost strange to find himself re-experiencing feelings he had nearly forgotten. Like echoes from the past, so familiar Mark wondered at how he had been without them all this time. How the last half hour of a race seemed to stretch out for an eternity and how hard it was to have to simply watch his team-mate at the wheel when he could do nothing to affect the outcome of the race once his time was done.

The elation as their car passed the chequered flag holding third position was a far more pleasant feeling to re-visit. As everyone around him whooped and cheered, Mark listened on as Timo was congratulated via the radio. He smiled to hear his friend acknowledge his team-mates and the team as a whole and Mark applauded that as well, relief mixed with the elation he felt a getting a good result on his first race back. It felt good to know he had played his part and that he could do as well as he used to.

He had brought his phone over and left it just by him on the side where he stood, so Mark quickly scanned congratulatory messages from Seb and his family before he dashed off to go to the podium. Before he knew it he was up there, lifting the trophy and waving to the crowd below. As Mark looked down he experienced another feeling he’d had before; disappointment that Seb was not down there watching him. There had always been occasions when that wasn’t possible, so it wasn’t entirely new to have a slight sense of regret that the moment wasn’t perfect, but he felt it nonetheless.

Of course Mark hadn’t been expecting his husband to be there under the podium. Seb had their son to look after and apart from anything else it hard started raining again, the sky almost dark now and the air unpleasantly damp and cold. No place for little Teddy to be, especially when he had only just recovered from being ill.

As he smiled and waved at no one in particular, Mark reconciled himself that he ought to be grateful to be up here at all. Back-slaps and hugs were being exchanged and Mark joined in with as much as enthusiasm as the rest, but he was already anticipating a more important hug and trying to figure out how quickly he could get back to receive it.

  


  


Seeing as Teddy had fallen asleep in his pushchair after eating his supper in the hospitality area, Sebastian had stayed in there watching the end of the race. He was a little sad that their son missed at least watching his father on the podium, but Seb wasn’t going to wake him for it, particularly when Teddy was too young to appreciate what it meant. Seb watched though of course, clapping along with the rest and having to restrain himself from waving when Mark waved to the camera.

“That was for us Liebling,” he explained to Teddy before seeing that he was still fast asleep. Sebastian smiled and glanced to the screen once more. “Oh well, never mind.”

  


 

When Mark walked into the Porsche base he was already looking for his family seeing as Seb had texted to let him know they were there. It was bustling with post race activity and for a moment Mark couldn't see them. He was just wondering if Seb might have needed to take Teddy to his room for something when Mark spotted him over on the other side of the room. A broad smile split his face as he waved and hurried over.

 

Sebastian had Teddy in his arms, freshly woken from his nap when the noise level in the room had increased enough to disturb him at last. Having waved and seen that Mark knew where they were, Seb hitched Teddy up and smiled at him.

“It’s Daddy Schatz, he’s back!”

The delighted tone in his voice was matched by the way his son’s face lit up.

“Dahdee.”

“Yep, look here’s Daddy. No car now Kleiner, just Daddy. Here he comes.”

He held Teddy to see his approaching father and Seb smiled at the grin on his husband's face.

“Liebling!”

Mark’s heart swelled to see how happy they looked to see him, then Teddy reached out his little arms towards him.

“Dahdee, Daddy!”

He gasped in astonishment, certain that his heart just about exploded as he heard that.

“Oh my god.”

Sebastian laughed.

“He was calling it out to you on the track earlier. I’m surprised you couldn't hear him.”

“Oh my goodness that’s amazing,” grinned Mark. He leaned in to give his son a kiss on the cheek. “Wow. I can’t believe it.”

“He just started up with it this afternoon,” Seb explained. “Right out of the blue.”

“Yeah? That’s great. Thank you Teddy.”

“Daddy,” repeated Teddy, still offering out his arms in the hope of being held.

Mark sighed, both at being called that and how anxious his son was to go to him.

“Ah darling, Daddy’s all wet I’m afraid.”

“Is it raining again?” asked Seb.

“Only drizzle really. I just need to change.”

He leant in to kiss his son, then his husband's cheek.

“If you just give me a mo?”

“We’ll come with you. Oh gosh I didn’t even say, Liebling well done. We’re so proud of you!”

“Thanks. Don’t spose third place is too shabby first go back.”

“A podium Liebling. That’s fantastic!”

Mark chuckled, thinking how much more rewarding this welcome was than the podium, not that he didn’t value his result, but how he wanted those hugs.

“Thank you. Right, c’mon, I need to get out of these things.”

 

 

Beneath his race-suit Mark’s long Nomex underwear was actually quite dry, so he took a moment to get those longed-for hugs, holding his son in and closing his eyes for a second as Seb pressed into his other side, arms wound around as they all gathered in. Seb smiled at the way his husband took in a deep contented breath at the feeling. He laid his head on his shoulder and looked up to him.

“Happy Liebling?”

“Couldn’t be happier.” Mark looked to Teddy on the other side. “Aren’t we mate? Happy as Larry.”

“What does that even mean?”

Mark chuckled.

“No idea sweetheart. Right. Urgh, I need a shower and then debrief and then finally we should be able to get out of here and go home.”

He smiled in at Teddy resting his head against his other shoulder.

“You all sleepy mate? Tis past your bedtime.”

“He can nap up here.”

“Good idea.”

Stepping away, Sebastian took Teddy, the little boy pouting and frowning.

“Daddy.”

“Sorry mate, I’ll be as quick as I can.”

  


By the time Mark emerged from the shower, young Teddy was already spark out on the bed, tucked up under his father's hoody as a blanket once again. Mark smiled in as Seb sat beside the little boy, both seeing how their son grasped one of the sleeves in one tiny hand as if to stop it being taken away.

“Guess I’ll be wearing my jacket to the meeting then.”

“Sorry Liebling.”

“Nah no worries.”

As he got dressed Mark watched the way Seb gazed at their son, stroking over his soft blonde hair and smiling at him. Once ready he came over, placing a hand on Seb’s shoulder.

“You did great with him this weekend sweetheart.”

Sebastian turned to look at Mark.

“I don’t think I did much.”

“Course you did.”

“He missed you Liebling.”

 

Mark perched on the bed and took Seb’s hand.

“Of course he did darling. That’s only natural when he’s not used to it.”

“Mm. I guess.”

Seeing the way Seb glanced to their son Mark shook his head.

“Sweetheart he misses you too when you’re away.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes of course. I just, I dunno I’ve never made a point of it cos I don’t want you worrying.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark wasn’t sure he hadn’t made it worse.

“Nothing too bad. I just think in his ideal scenario he’d have both of us giving him all our attention every hour of every day. Kids are like that, especially tinies, but life doesn’t work that way, no family I can think of works that way.”

“I spose not.”

“We give him as much of ourselves as possible. I don’t reckon he’s doing too badly.”

Sebastian gave him a half smile.

“No.”

“And you said he cheered up after a bit.”

“Yes he did Liebling and he loved going out to wave to you on track. I wish I could have taken a picture to show you Mark, he was so thrilled to see you.”

“See the car at least.”

“No he knew it was you. I’m sure of it Liebling. You showed him the car yesterday didn’t you, so he understood, and his little toy you got him.”

Mark smiled. Maybe their son did know? It was nice to think so at least.

“Guess so. Well, I’m glad he enjoyed himself.”

“You really were wonderful Liebling. I’m so impressed that you got a podium first time back.”

“Ha, well thank you sweetheart, but I’m pretty sure I had the easy job today.”

“I’m not sure about that.”

“I am.”

They looked at one another and Seb relented.

“Well you do it more often than me.”

“Yeah, so I know what I’m talking about. I hope it wasn’t too bad this weekend?”

“No it’s okay. He really was much better today.”

 

Mark nodded and Sebastian shrugged a shoulder.

“I kindof like feeling I can cope. Is that weird?”

“What? No darling. Of course you can cope. I know that.”

“I don’t always.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t know that. I don’t mean you,” Seb hurried. “I meant me. I don’t always feel like I can manage things on my own.”

“Sweetheart.”

Sebastian shrugged that diffident shoulder again that Mark knew so well. He sighed and stroked over his husband's cheek.

“You’re completely capable darling. I don’t think I know anyone who adapts better and manages tricky situations better than you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I don’t make you feel that way do I?”

“No it’s me. I dunno, I’m probably just being silly.”

“Don’t say that.”

 

They gazed at one another for a moment, Mark seeing without Seb having to repeat it.

“Don’t put yourself down darling,” he beseeched. “Maybe it’s my fault? Maybe I like taking care of you too much?”

He gave Seb a half smile hoping that the truth was the best way forward.

“I like that you take care of me, but…”

Sebastian paused for a second and Mark wondered if he should be alarmed.

“But what?” he prompted.

“Just, you don’t have to be Superman all the time Liebling. You’ll still be my hero.”

Once Mark might have laughed at such a line, but there was complete sincerity in his husband's voice and in his eyes too. Those beautiful blue eyes that he always lost himself in. He reached to stroke over Seb’s cheek.

“Shall put away my cape?”

Sebastian smiled.

“You don’t need a cape.”

Mark nodded as he continued to look into his eyes.

“I know you can cope sweetheart. No one’s more determined than you. I’m not the hero, you are.”

Seb huffed a little laugh.

“For surviving looking after a crying toddler for a few days?”

“No. Well, yes that, but just generally.”

 

Sebastian didn’t know what to say to that so Mark simply leaned in to kiss him, then sat away with a smile.

“So you think I look like Superman?” he teased, wanting to lighten the mood.

Seb huffed a laugh, reaching to touch the cleft in his chin.

“Absolutely Liebling, only more handsome.”

“More handsome?”

“Yes.”

Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“Now I’m trying to think who you should be.”

“Me?”

“Yep. Hmm… Ah, got it; Captain America.”

Sebastian burst out laughing, quickly lowering the volume so as not to wake their son beside them.

“Captain America?”

“Yeah why not? Blonde, good-looking, wholesome.”

“I’m wholesome?”

“Oh sure.”

“So a German Captain America?”

“Meh, details.”

The pair of them laughed and Seb had to put his hand over his mouth to stop himself getting too loud.

“I’m just imagining a cross-over film now.”

“Box-office gold.”

“I don’t think the world would appreciate my acting skills,” commented Sebastian.

“Mine either. Ah well.”

 

Teddy stirred slightly and they turned to look, feeling a little guilty that they were getting too raucous.

“I should go,” decided Mark.

Sebastian nodded. Though he would far rather continue their conversation, the sooner Mark went, the sooner they could all go.

“At least we can have a nice relaxed day off tomorrow,” he reconciled.

“Ah yes, a lovely lazy Sunday. A rare thing indeed. Can’t wait.”

“Ha me neither.”

“Better get my skates on then. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

“There’s no rush.”

“Yes there is, but it’s okay. Tonight we get to sleep in our own bed at home. I’d say that’s a pretty exciting incentive.”

“We should celebrate your win.”

Mark coughed a laugh at the smile on his husband's face.

“Nice idea certainly. Maybe tomorrow though darling, I’m nearly as tired as that young man.”

They both looked to their sleeping son.

“Tomorrow night then,” teased Seb.

They gazed into each other’s eyes, then Mark nodded.

“Motion seconded. Right, be back as soon as I can.”

With a quick kiss Mark was up and off, Seb left alone again sat beside their sleeping son, occasionally stroking over his hair a little absent-mindedly, though the touch was too soft for the little boy to even feel. Sebastian was tired too. Hopefully they could all sleep on the flight even if it was only a short one and then they would be home again.

“Home soon,” Seb whispered to an oblivious Teddy. “Home soon.”

  
  


  


As Shadow and Simba fussed into him, Mark ruffled their fur and fussed over them in return. Every time it was like this; the dogs barely able to contain their joy at discovering that their masters had returned to them at last. He chuckled and pulled away as Simba attempted to lick his cheek.

“Daft thing.”

He heard a laugh and looked up to see Seb stood in the kitchen doorway watching on, the diversion giving Shadow the chance to make a more successful attempt on the other cheek.

“Urgh!”

Sebastian laughed harder then came over to give the dogs a stroke as well.

“You’re just making him feel welcome, aren’t you boys?” he teased.

“Teaching them bad habits.”

“What, licking your face?”

Mark arched an eyebrow making Seb laugh.

“I do not lick your face.”

“No?”

“Not usually in the kitchen at any rate.”

 

Both of them laughed at that, then as the dogs seemed to quell their excitement, Seb and Mark stood.

“Right. I take it he went down okay?” Mark checked.

“Not a peep.”

“Good stuff. Cuppa then?”

“Oh yes please Liebling.”

As Mark boiled the kettle and brewed the tea, the dogs continued to press into his legs and he smiled to think that though using a private jet was an expensive indulgence, Mark was sure that Shadow and Simba would pay for it themselves if only they could when it meant getting home to be with them faster.

  


Taking that bit of time to settle themselves with a cup of tea despite the late hour did feel better, deepening that reassuring sense of being home. They knew they needed to make the most of it as there was little let up for them over the next couple of months into the summer. After Spa it was right back to the Spanish grand prix the following weekend, then between Spain and Monaco getting out to Germany to see Seb’s family. It gave them a grand total of two weekends off between now in early May and the August break.

The F1 calendar was getting so jam-packed. Seb wondered how those without the luxury of a private jet to whizz home in-between coped. Even if they only had a couple of days off he would always rather hurry back on a Sunday night and get that time to feel normal at home as a family before heading off to somewhere else in Europe on the Wednesday or Thursday, leaving it as late as possible, thankful most journeys were only around two hours across Europe. It was worth the money ten times over to get that family time at home.

They had at least ring-fenced the weekend before the Canadian grand prix to have nicely at home almost like a normal family. During which they were resolved to do as little as possible beyond having nice family time, ignoring as much as they could the fact they were to all be separated the following weekend, Mark and Seb both worrying far more about that fact their son was to be parted from them than they were about being parted from each other.

  
  


  


  


If Mark had thought it hard to leave Teddy with Seb when he had to go off racing that was nothing to how horrendous it felt to leave him with his grandparents. It didn’t matter that Mark knew that Seb’s parents loved their grandson and would care for him with all the devotion he and Seb gave their son. It had been bad enough saying goodbye to Seb when he left for Canada a few days earlier, but as Mark stood kissing his son farewell on the Saturday afternoon, the look of confusion on the little boy’s face was almost too much to bear.

“I’ll see you very soon little man, okay? Almost no time at all mate, so don’t go fretting. Papa will be back as early as he can on Monday morning and he’ll bring you out to join me in Le Mans.”

Mark stood holding Teddy in the nursery, his bags already by the front door ready for the car due to collect him. He huffed out a long sigh and stroked his son’s cheek.

“It’s just two nights sweetheart, alright? So, you be good for Oma and Opa. I’m sure they’ll spend the whole time spoiling you. They love you very much Teddy, and so do I and so does Papa.” He took an attempt at a settling breath, concerned that he was about to be the one crying, not the toddler. “I love you very much. Daddy loves you.”

“Daddy.”

“Yeah mate.”

Mark kissed his son’s cheek, not knowing how to drag himself away. This had sounded so practical in theory, the easiest solution to a tricky scheduling problem. Now Mark was was wondering how he hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be in practise. Why did scrutineering for him have to fall on the Sunday this year? Why hadn’t they tried harder to find a way for Teddy to stay with one of them? Maybe Heike and Norbert could have come with him to Le Mans until Seb could get there? Then again that was complicated by the fact they weren’t staying in a hotel this time around but in their own motorhome. Their own little one bedroomed motorhome with room for a couple and a child, not grandparents as well. Such a great idea when they had thought of it. And now? Mark sighed. Too late to do anything but get on with things and make the best of it.

 

He put on a brave face for his son, giving him a smile as Mark knew him being upset would only make it worse for both of them. Teddy had been babysat before by Pauline and Mark’s own mother and he had been fine. Of course being babysat for a few hours was different to being left for two nights. Two whole nights. How was Mark meant to cope with that? What if Teddy called for his parents in the night only for neither of them to come? Would their son forgive them for not being there? He knew Teddy would be safe with his grandparents, but Mark didn’t want him to be miserable, nor them either if they were stuck with a distraught grandchild the whole time.

There was a low noise in the background and Mark turned, wondering if that was the car arriving when he heard his father-in-law calling from downstairs.

“Mark! Your car’s here!”

He took a deep breath and looked to Teddy.

“Okay mate so we’ll be fine right? Soon all be together again.”

“Mark the car’s here for you.”

Mark turned around to see Heike in the nursery doorway.

“Right, thanks.”

She came over and took Teddy, Mark wishing he could steal another last hug but trying not to show it.

“Shall we come down and wave you off?” Heike offered.

“Oh, um.”

Mark looked to his son thinking if he had to watch him crying on the doorstep then he might very well not be able to leave at all. This was so bloody hard.

“Actually I think it might be best if he stays up here.”

Heike nodded.

“Probably wise dear.”

“Yeah.”

She saw the struggle Mark was trying to conceal.

“He will be alright Mark.”

“Yeah I know.”

“We’ll take good care of him.”

“Of course you will. Really Heike we’re so grateful for you doing this.”

“Oh it’s no trouble. We’re just happy to get time with him. Aren’t we Teddy? Going to have a lovely time with Oma and Opa.”

“Course you will. Be good darling.” He leaned in to kiss his son’s cheek. “Love you.”

“Daddy.”

 

Mark closed his eyes for a second. How thrilled he had been to hear that for the first time only a month ago, now it only added to the torture. Forcing a smile onto his face, Mark touched his son’s cheek praying he wouldn't start crying.

“Daddy!”

Little arms were reaching for him and Mark knew he was making things worse again. He just had to go and trust everything would be okay. Heike tried to get a better hold of her grandson, then looked to Mark.

“He’ll be fine.”

“Yep. Okay, thank you.”

“Good luck this week.”

“Right, yeah thanks. Really very good of you.”

“You just go dear. Call us when you get there and you’ll see everything’s alright.”

Mark nodded, then grabbed up his son’s toy dinosaur to place into those out-stretched hands.

“ _Daddy._ ”

“This one’s his favourite. If he asks for _doh_ or dog, this is the one he means.”

“We know dear.”

“And he doesn’t like his milk too warm before bed. It has to go in the cup with the blue lid or he makes a fuss and he likes to help feed the dogs but don’t let him try to hold the bag on his own or it’ll go everywhere and…”

“Mark.” Heike looked at him, knowing he was panicking. She spared a hand to put on his arm. “I promise you we’ll be fine. I’ve had four of my own and I have two grandchildren. I’ll take good care of him.”

“I know you will. Sorry.”

“You just go on now. Norbert’s putting your bags in the car for you.”

“Yep. Right, okay.”

“Call us as often as you like. If it’s engaged you know it’ll only be Seb fretting just the same.”

 

Mark huffed a dry laugh. He’d already lost count of the number of calls he and his husband had exchanged since Seb flew out mid-week. Poor Heike was going to be inundated. Another good reason it was only for two nights and one day.

“Okay, thank you. Sorry. You’re very kind. We do appreciate it.”

“No problem,” Heike replied calmly, noting he still wasn’t leaving.

“Okay, right.”

“Daddy!” The little boy looked at his toy dinosaur and scowled at it. “No dog. _No_.”

Mark sighed as Teddy threw down his toy so he could reach for his father once more. He wanted to take him into his arms just as his son did, hold him close, kiss his cheek. _Not_ leave him.

“Daddy, _Daddy!”_

That bottom lip was quivering, Teddy unable to understand why his father wasn’t taking him.

“Mark,” warned Heike as gently as she could.

Mark nodded and stepped away.

“Be good mate. I love you. I’ll see you soon. Thanks Heike.”

“Bye Mark. Take care.”

Mark gave a little wave, Teddy confusedly copying him and his grandmother even as those blue eyes filled with water. Compelling himself to turn away, Mark walked through the open nursery door and shut it behind him. All that achieved was to muffle the wail that instantly arose beyond it. He stood still for a moment trying to compose himself, but that just meant Mark could hear his son crying and calling for him. For a split second he genuinely considered ringing up Porsche to say he couldn't go, then shook his head as he imagined that conversation: _Hi._ _S_ _o sorry, but I can’t come to the most important race of the year because my son is crying and I can’t leave him._ Yep, that would go down well.

 

“ _Daddy no!”_

Pushing out a steadying breath, Mark made his feet propel him down the stairs, into the hall where the dogs had stood looking up through the safety-gate. He ducked down and gave them a stroke.

“Ah boys. Look after Teddy for me. He doesn’t understand why I have to go away. I know you don’t either, but…”

“Oh Mark there you are.”

Mark looked up to see Norbert coming in through the front door. He stood and reached for his jacket to go.

“All your things are in the boot except this.” Norbert handed him a smaller flight bag. “I presumed you’d want it to hand.”

“Righto, thanks.”

Seeing him turn to look up at where a distinct noise floated down from upstairs, Norbert stepped closer, handing Mark his bag.

“Don’t worry about Teddy.”

“No, well…”

“He’ll be fine.” Mark nodded and his father-in-law smiled. “Seb used to howl the place down each morning when I went to work.”

“Did he?”

“Ah well he was only Teddy’s age. It’s what little ones do.”

Mark nodded, choosing not to ask his father-in-law if it broke his heart to hear, the same way this was right now for him.

“My mum says the same. Okay, well good luck. Thanks for this.”

“All the best Mark.”

“I’ll call when I get there.”

“Of course, well till then, safe travels.”

Norbert offered out a hand and Mark shook it, trying to pretend to himself that he couldn't still hear his son crying for him.

  


Moments later Mark sat in the car being driven away. As he texted Seb to tell him he was now en route, Mark wondered why he always managed to make such a meal of partings, only prolonging his own angst as much as anyone else’s. Two days. He’d survive two days apart from his son. Maybe Teddy would be so happy being spoilt by his adoring grandparents he would hardly notice his parents not being there? Maybe not. He would be okay though, and Seb would be back first thing on Monday morning, perhaps even home in time to be there before their son woke. Then Seb would bring Teddy out to join him and they would be together as a family again as they should be.

  


MARK: Hey sweetheart, hope this doesn’t wake you. Just heading for my flight. Let me know when’s a good time to call later.

SEB: I’m already up Liebling. Leaving for the circuit in a mo. I’ll call you as soon as I’m done with FP3. How was Teddy?

MARK: Bit wobbly. I know your mum & dad have it covered.

SEB: He’ll be alright. Are you ok?

Mark huffed a sad little laugh at his husband knowing him too well.

MARK: Bit wobbly too :/

 

Three thousand miles away Sebastian put down his bag he’d picked up ready to go and texted Britta to apologise for the fact he was going to be five minutes late, then pressed dial to ring his husband.

 

  


  


Though of course Mark received every reassurance from his in-laws that his son was quite well and content enough now he had cheered up, he didn’t feel as though he could really relax until Seb called him first thing on the Monday morning to say he was safely home. Mark left for the Porsche base for a busy day of media and race preparations with the image of his admittedly tired-looking husband sat in the nursery holding their son cuddled in, both waving to him as Mark waved back.

“So what time are they getting here?” enquired Jenson as the pair of them sat getting a coffee in the hospitality area.

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Am I so obvious?”

“Well you did say that was the plan, but you have cheered up considerably today.”

Mark smiled.

“Sorry if I was being a miserable bugger.”

Jenson chuckled and shrugged.

“Nah mate don’t worry. I’ll be pretty pleased myself when Jess gets here on Thursday.”

“I’m sure you will mate.”

“When are your lot getting here then?” enquired Jenson.

“Ah well I told Seb not to rush, so hopefully he’s having a kip now, then coming on this afternoon.”

“What about the in-laws?”

“Bless em’ they’re still on Teddy duty to let Seb catch up on himself, then once the plane’s dropped him here, it’ll take his folks on home.”

“Very handy.”

“Yep, we’re very fortunate.”

Jenson chuckled.

“So remind me why when you have a private jet, you’re staying in a poky little caravan while you’re here?” he teased.

Mark shook his head.

“A, it’s not our plane, it’s hired.”

“Hmm.”

“And b, it’s not a poky little caravan, it’s a rather swish motorhome thank you very much. As well you know seeing as you came for a nose around last night.”

Jenson laughed again, enjoying how easy it was to tease his friend.

“Yeah it’s not bad to be fair. Wouldn't a hotel be easier though?”

“We thought we’d give it a try. Nice not to be cooped up for once.”

“Being waited on hand and foot.”

“Meh, not fussed about that to be honest mate. I reckon it’ll be good to feel we have our own space and we’re not too far out to nip back and forth.”

“Very handy. No room service though.”

“No, well. Not sure we’re wild about hotels. Seen too many of them. It was good have something different for Monaco.”

“You mean your luxury coastal villa that must have cost and arm and a leg.”

“A couple of limbs certainly,” agreed Mark. “Worth it though.”

“I’ve no doubt. Nice for us to visit you for once, have a little picnic on the lawn.”

Mark smiled, thinking how much more relaxing their experience had been this year. New things were worth trying.

“Sure was. So hence the motorhome here.”

“Not quite the same as a posh private villa on the Cote d’Azur.”

“Perhaps,” Mark conceded, “but it’s our own space and Teddy can trample the grass in front and we won’t have to worry about disturbing people if he cries.”

“Apart from you.”

“Mm, anyway I shall be very glad when they get here to share it with me.”

“To be cried at and worry over.”

“I worry far more when they’re not with me.”

Jenson smiled.

“Who’d have thought you were such a big softie?”

Mark merely smiled back and sipped his coffee. It might be true, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was getting a text from his husband to give an ETA for their arrival and even better, to see them when they finally arrived.

  


  


Though he had much to occupy him through the day, Mark found his mind going there most often; checking his phone for messages whenever he had chance, looking to his watch to count down the time. As he smiled to the gathered group of journalists sat with their little recorders propped on the table between them, Mark wondered at his ability to talk about one thing whilst thinking about something altogether different.

“Will you have your family out here to support you?”

Mark looked to the man posing the question and smiled.

“I’m a very lucky man.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yeah mate.”

“Seb of course has been busy out in Canada this weekend gone. Are they here already?”

“No not yet, but they’ll be here soon.” Mark glanced absently to his watch. “They’ll be here soon.”

  


  


 

Sebastian didn’t think he could let go of his son now he was reunited with him. They were sat in the kitchen at home, his mother fussing making them breakfast as his father asked him about the race from the day before. Seb tried answering all their questions, but his own were all about how Teddy had been. The little boy was clinging to him now, nestled in his father's lap still half-asleep this early in the day. Normally Seb would have taken Teddy to cuddle up in bed with them, but seeing as Mark wasn’t here that didn’t hold the usual appeal, and besides, it was pretty hard to turn down his mother wanting to look after them.

“Ah he was very good really,” assured Heike, “wasn’t he Norbert?”

“Course he was.”

Sebastian reached down to stroke his son’s cheek.

“Good boy.”

“Papa.”

“Yeah.”

  


Letting out a sigh, Seb thought how nice it was to hold his son and how he had spent most of the flight home not sleeping, but longing for this. The house had been quiet and still when he got here. Daylight had broken seeing as it was now June and the sky was a cheery shade of blue despite it being not yet half past six in the morning. Leaving the faint early sun behind him, Seb eased the front door open and lugged his bags inside as quietly as he could.

That achieved, Seb gave the driver a friendly wave knowing he would see him again later in the day, then carefully shut the door behind him. He let out a sigh, feeling exhaustion creeping through his veins. The idea of dragging his bags up the stairs in front of him was too much, so Sebastian left them were they were, stepping through the safety-gate and trying to sneak upstairs only for the dogs to rush out into the hallway barking.

“Shhhh!” he hissed urgently as Seb hurried back down to them.

He ducked in with the dogs and put his finger to his mouth.

“Shh boys, don’t wake everyone up.”

As Shadow and Simba nuzzled into him, Seb relented and returned their affection before leading them into the kitchen and topping up their bowls.

“Nothing gets past you does it?” he teased. “Guess that’s no bad thing. Now…” He ducked in again to look both of them in the eye. “I know it’s all go at the moment, but I need to go up to see Teddy and I’d appreciate it if you could keep the noise down.”

Two dogs looked down with such chagrin that Sebastian felt sorry for them and gave them each another rub.

“I’m very flattered you were so excited I’m back. I’m glad to see you too. Now then, you tuck into that while I nip upstairs. Good boys.”

He stood, already wondering how the poor dogs were going to take it when they realised they were being abandoned yet again later this day. Best not to break it to them yet.

  


Successfully making it upstairs on his second attempt, Seb headed straight for the nursery door. It creaked a little as he opened it and he paused, but as Sebastian went on in he smiled to see his son fast asleep in his cot. He walked over and stood gazing down, sighing to see Teddy sprawled out, arms stretched above his head, the blanket pushed down near his waist.

“Wriggler,” whispered Seb, wondering if he ought to tuck the blanket back up or if that would wake him. “I’ve missed you so much Teddybär.”

The urge to stroke his son’s soft round cheek was so strong Seb had to hold onto the cot railing to stop himself. Teddy looked so peaceful, so content. The whole room radiated a warm sleepiness that Seb would be more than happy to join his son in sleep and simply go to sit in the rocking chair to doze there until he woke. With the curtains drawn shut the dawn was largely shut out, only a soft hazy glow sneaking in around the edges, but it was sufficient for Sebastian to see all he needed to.

 

After standing there for another minute Seb glanced over at the rocking chair by the window again, wondering if he could drag it over to sit next to the cot without disturbing Teddy by knocking it into his play table or the toy unit. He was just considering making an attempt when Sebastian looked back at his son to see him stirring, turning onto his side, then his back again before rubbing at his eyes and looking upwards.

“Papa.”

“Hey Teddy.”

“Papa!”

The little boy reached his arms up at the same time as trying to sit, so Sebastian reached in and lifted him out, holding his son close and kissing that lovely round cheek.

“Oh Liebling I’ve missed you, I’m so glad to be home.”

“Papa hi.”

Sebastian chuckled and chubbed his cheek.

“Hello. Did you miss me Schatz?”

He wished he hadn’t said that when Teddy pouted and burst into tears.

“Oh Teddy, I’m sorry.”

“Papa, _Papa_.”

Little arms were flung around his neck and Seb hugged his son in.

“Oh Kleiner it’s okay, hush now baby, Papa’s home.”

“Papa.”

“I’m here. Everything’s alright now. We’ll go out to see Daddy later on today as well.”

Teddy snivelled into him, then turned his face up to look.

“Daddy?”

Sebastian smiled and spared a hand to wipe his tears.

“That’s right Liebling. We’ll all be together again. Papa and Teddy will go find Daddy.”

He stroked over his son’s back as he crushed into him.

“It’s alright now. It’s alright Teddy.”

 

Teddy took a few more shaky breaths, but as he quieted his father tidied him up again, then placed his cheek by his son’s, the pair of them silent for a moment. Seeing Teddy calmed, Sebastian went over to the window, pulling one of the curtains open before sitting with him in the rocking chair.

“There now. Is that better Liebling?”

Teddy sniffed a little, then pressed more into him so Seb rocked the chair slowly back and forth to soothe him.

“It’s all okay Teddybär. We’re just gonna have a little rest, sort ourselves out and then you and I will go on the aeroplane to meet Daddy.”

“Daddy.”

“Yep, that’s right. I bet he’s been missing us. We’ll go give him big hugs and then we can watch him do his racing in Le Mans. Watch Daddy in his race-car again.”

“Caah.”

Seb huffed a laugh and nodded.

“That’s right. Daddy in his race-car. Thought that might cheer you up.”

 

He looked up at hearing a noise, seeing his mother in dressing-gown and pyjamas appear in the doorway.

“Oh Seb dear you are back.”

Heike came over.

“Not making a fuss is he?”

“No he’s fine.”

Heike nodded, deciding not to mention how many times her grandson had woken them over the past two nights. Much as she loved him, Heike was immensely looking forward to a solid night’s sleep in her own bed at home tonight.

“I thought I heard something to wake us, but your father said I was imagining things.” Heike shook her head. “I wasn’t sure myself, but then I think I’m still half asleep.”

“Sorry to wake you Mum.”

“Oh no dear that’s alright. Journey okay then?”

“Yep. How was he?”

“Teddy? Oh well, you know.”

“Mm.” Seb smiled in at his son. “Not been keeping Oma up have you Teddy?”

His son looked back at him innocently and Sebastian shook his head at how he could do that.

“We really appreciate you doing this for us Mum.”

“Oh it’s no bother. Well, seeing as I’m up I might go make a drink. Will you have some breakfast?”

Sebastian smiled. It wasn’t yet seven am.

“Um, we might catch you up.”

“I’ll make a start.”

As she exited the room, Seb smiled in at his son.

“I don’t think we have much choice in it Teddy. Your oma’s on a mission.”

In the distance Seb could hear his mother making a stop off in the guest bedroom to inform his father just how wrong he had been and how she had told him so. He huffed a laugh.

“Oma’s very kind Schatz, but you kindof have to go with her programme.”

Teddy smiled conspiratorially and Seb smiled back, ducking in to kiss his snub nose.

“Five more minutes then we’ll go down.”

“Papa guh.”

“Mm.”

Seb held him in appreciating the way his son seemed to want a nice morning cuddle, guiltily feeling a little gratified that Teddy had missed him.

“Tell you what Teddy, why don’t we see if we can call Daddy to let him know I’m back?”

“Daddy bah.”

“Yep, let’s give him a try then,” agreed Seb, already pulling his phone out to place a Facetime call.

  


  


As Sebastian sat in the kitchen he ate the offered toast, Teddy on his lap and the dogs curled in around his feet. Much as he appreciated his parents help this weekend, all Seb could really think was that he wished Mark was here instead. That wasn’t to be though. Instead they would have to go find him.

“Seb?”

He looked over blankly realising he had phased out just then.

“Sorry Dad, what was that?”

“Oh don’t pester him about the race,” intervened Heike. “Seb dear if you’ve finished that why don’t you go up for a nap?”

“I’m okay Mum.”

“You look exhausted. You’ll do yourself no good having to traipse round after Mark this week if you’re already worn out.”

Sebastian sighed and looked to his son, not wanting to be parted from him.

“C’mon dear, you can leave him with us while you get a rest.”

“Um.”

“You’ll need your energy looking after him while Mark’s working won’t you?”

Seb couldn't argue with that.

“Okay,” he relented.

“I’ll sort your washing out so you can re-pack. Your bags are in the hall aren’t they?”

“Oh no Mum you don’t need to do that.”

“Whyever not? Teddy likes helping me, don’t you chick?”

“Huh?” frowned Seb.

“Oh we did all the washing in your basket yesterday. Teddy had great fun loading and unloading the machine.”

Sebastian huffed out a breath. There was no point arguing with his mother.

“Pauline will be over later,” he pointed out.

“Then we can have a nice chat.”

Looking to his father Seb knew he might as well give in.

“Okay well please wake me before she goes. I want a quick word before I’m off again.”

“As you like. Now then Teddy you come to Oma and let your papa get a couple hours’ sleep.”

 

She reached in to take the little boy, Seb not resisting.

“Papa!” appealed Teddy.

“It’s alright. I’ll just be upstairs.”

The toddler looked all set to descend into tears once more, but Heike stood with him and went over to the washing machine.

“Let’s play our special game Teddy,” she declared. “Norbert go get his bag.”

Seb’s father did as he was told, returning with Seb’s suitcase which he put it by the washing machine, Seb left watching in bemusement as his mother stood his son by the opened bag, handing him a pair of dirty socks whilst opening up the washer’s door. Teddy looked to his father, then at the socks in his hand. He paused, then threw them into the washing drum, both grandparents applauding. Teddy smiled and clapped himself before accepting a screwed-up t-shirt, lobbing that in as well, clapping again and gurgling a delighted laugh at his own cleverness.

“Good boy Teddy,” praised his grandmother sending him a beaming smile.

“Good,” he echoed.

“That’s right. Good Teddy helping Oma and Opa.”

“Tehdee.”

“Yes,” agreed Norbert. “Our Teddy. Now then, what shall we put in next?”

Sebastian opened his mouth in astonishment only to see his father smiling and sending a wink his way, nodding over to the door telling him to make his escape while the going was good. His parents knew more than he gave them credit for.

  


  


  


By the Tuesday Mark finally felt as though he was properly settled into his preparations for the big race on the coming weekend. Here in Le Mans there was always so much that went into it. But then of course that was essential seeing as it was a twenty-four hour race and such great expectations hung on it for the teams who participated. For the drivers too of course and as Mark sat in another meeting with the engineers he tried to give it all his full attention. In a strange way he felt as though he could settle into it better now that his family was with him, though of course that actually meant Seb had Teddy back at their motorhome some little distance off.

Mark puffed out a silent breath feeling as though a weight was lifted from his chest. With their complicated lives and careers, partings were inevitable, but he didn’t really feel whole without his loved ones with him. He thought he would put up with any inconvenience or dull lengthy spells travelling just to make it possible. Now his husband and son were here Mark felt himself at peace and as though he could fully give himself to his work, even if that meant dashing away from it whenever he got the chance. As the engineers re-set a few programmes for them to look over Mark took the opportunity to check his watch. There was an autograph session later on, but if this didn’t go on too long he might have a window to whizz back to see them. Fingers crossed.

 

Yesterday had seemed to drag. From speaking and seeing Seb with Teddy early on the Monday morning, every minute had seemed to stretch out until first one text came telling him that they were on the way to the airport and then another to say they had landed. It seemed impossible to fully concentrate on anything until the time came for Mark to go and collect his family when the last of his media commitments for the day were finally done.

Sebastian had said of course that they could make their own way, but he had relented when he realised that Mark wanted to come and meet them. He couldn't blame him when Sebastian knew how it felt to be parted from your loved ones. Five whole days since he had had to set off for Canada on his own. Days filled with work weren’t so bad, but the lonely nights were hard to endure, no matter how many calls were made to try to fill the void. The only thing that really made it better was the prospect of being reunited afterwards, so how could you argue with making that moment as soon as possible?

 

Although he wasn’t doing the driving seeing as Porsche had arranged the transfer for his family, Mark sat in the front, glad it was only a short journey until he was climbing out, taking his son into his arms and hugging Seb in too. The driver had left them to it, busying himself with loading up the boot with what as usual were largely Teddy’s essentials. Mark jigged his son up, Seb drying the little boys eyes as he cried on being reunited with another parent.

“It’s alright now sweetheart,” Mark reassured.

Teddy merely sniffled and buried his face into his father's shoulder.

“All a bit overwhelming for him,” Seb explained.

“Yeah. I know how he feels.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

Mark smiled and gave him a kiss.

“Me too. Right, shall we go.” He peered in at Teddy. “C’mon mate we’ve got a very exciting place to stay while we’re here. Don’t you want to go see it?”

One blue eye peeked up at him and Mark smiled back.

“Hello mate.”

Teddy pouted at him, then softened.

“Daddy hi.”

Mark chuckled and chubbed his cheek with his knuckle.

“Hi Teddy.”

“What’s it like, the motorhome?” enquired Sebastian.

Mark looked to him. It hadn’t felt like much of a home so far, but now they were here he was certain that was about to change.

“Pretty cool actually. Compact, but yeah I reckon it’ll do us.”

“Great.”

Mark hitched Teddy up.

“We’ll all be very cosy together, all snuggled up.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Apart from when you’re working.”

“Mm, well it’ll be nice to come back to.”

Nodding, Seb took their son back so Mark could help the driver fit the baby-seat, all ready to go. Another week, another country, another circuit, another race. But at least for this one they were all back together for it.

  


  


As the meeting finished up on the Tuesday afternoon Mark looked over the next day’s schedule. With free practice running from late afternoon into the evening tomorrow Seb might be able to come down to the base for the early part of it, but he would need to take Teddy back long before he finished. Still, Wednesday morning would be quiet enough for them to make a visit to the garage which would be nice and though his son would no doubt be asleep when he got back at night, Seb would be there waiting for his return.

Thinking of that reminded Mark that if he wanted to get back to them now before he was due back for more publicity duties then he ought to get a move on. So he packed away his things, excused himself and hot-footed it down the paddock in the direction of the drivers’ camping area.

  


Though close as they reasonably could be, the motorhomes weren’t exactly on the doorstep of the paddock and it was a bit of a walk to reach them. That was no bad thing really though Mark reconciled. Not only would it mean he could hopefully get some decent rest when he had time off, it also meant they felt they had more privacy and Mark was glad of the idea he could have proper breaks when he wasn’t entirely enveloped in the craziness of the whole circus.

Walking along it was fairly quiet yet this far ahead of the event really kicking off closer to the race itself but Mark knew things would pick up from tomorrow. That in itself was quite exciting and he was looking forward to getting in the car to see what it could do around here this year, but Mark liked the idea of them having a tucked-away little haven to escape to, their own space for family and rest.

He huffed a little laugh at the notion that those two words went together. With Teddy the opposite was usually true, but that was okay. As Mark passed a couple of other motorhomes to reach the open grassy area where their own was parked, he caught sight in the distance of the reason he had walked so fast to get here. He tried waving over, but his husband wasn’t looking his way, though Mark thought he might have caught his son’s eye.

That was confirmed as he saw Teddy pointing towards him and Mark picked up his pace accordingly. Sebastian appeared to belatedly spot him and waved over, Mark waving back and smiling at how happy they looked to see him. He huffed a laugh to observe his son determinedly wriggling out of his papa’s arms to be set down on the grass so he could toddle over.

Only three days ago Mark had arrived here alone, dumping down his bags in an empty motorhome feeling bereft and tired even after a fairly short journey to get here. The sky had been grey and his head full of worries for Seb racing on the other side of the world and his son separated from them both left in England. Now the sun beamed down on the grassy enclave, bright smiles and happy waves welcomed him, making it a home from home.

He chuckled at the sight of his son doing his best to run to him, his husband smiling on, knowing from his own experience how much Mark had missed them while they were parted even for a few days.

 

“ _Daddy!”_

Mark thought his heart might just burst at that little high-pitched voice calling out for him, chubby little arms going up already in anticipation of being lifted, little chubby legs going like the clappers as his son tottered urgently towards him.

“Daddy!”

Mark grinned and did exactly what those arms demanded. He swung Teddy up to kiss him, Seb hanging back to let him have that moment. Mark took in a breath as his son crushed in.

“Daddy,” repeated Teddy more calmly, breathing out sighs of relief to be with him.

“Yeah mate, good to see you too sunshine.”

He gave him another kiss, then smiled as Seb kissed his cheek in turn.

“You’re back early Liebling.”

Mark merely gave him a wink before they began walking on back to their temporary home.

“No better incentive sweetheart.”

 

He hitched Teddy into his side, helped by the fact his son was holding on tight, and swung his other arm around his husband as they walked over pressed in together. Two blonde heads resting into his shoulders, two possessors of smiles bright enough to lighten his heart no matter how dark the day. _My own supply of portable sunshine_ Mark thought, smiling himself as he thought how Seb would laugh at such an idea.

As they entered the motorhome, Mark set Teddy down, laughing to see his son running about the small space with almost fevered excitement.

“Everything alright with all the prep and stuff?” Sebastian checked.

Mark turned from watching Teddy and nodded.

“Yep, all good sweetheart. Done in double-quick time so I’ve got an hour before I need to head back for autograph sesh.”

“Cup of tea?”

“Ha, why not?” Mark kissed his cheek. “So much better with our own teabags from home.”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head, though Mark might have a point. It did feel better to use their own temporary little kitchen here. He filled the kettle and set it boiling, a proper teapot there to be used and proper mugs to be drunk from at their own little table, no footsteps in the corridor beyond, no occupants below to think of as Teddy stomped about to his heart’s content.

  


As they sat to drink their tea, Seb leaned into Mark’s side, both of them turning to look as Teddy toddled up to put one hand on Mark’s knee.

“Daddy.”

“Yes mate. What’ve you got there?”

The little boy raised up his other hand to show his parents a small white toy car.

“Daddy caah!”

Both Seb and Mark laughed, Mark swinging Teddy up to sit on his knee.

“Spot on kiddo. Daddy’s car. Think you’re gonna be seeing a fair bit of it this week. I know I am.”

Mark took in a deep contented breath as his son set the toy car on the table and leaned back into him, Seb to his side. Long days ahead and even longer nights, but so long as he had this to sustain him, Mark was pretty sure he would get through it all and be just fine, no matter what the result in the end.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so you know when I say something is meant to be a two-parter and it winds up being much longer? That.
> 
> Apologies for the rather circular route these chapters have taken as I play fast and loose with the timeline. Hope I haven’t lost you too much as we loop our way around Le Mans. Hold on tight and go with the flow.


	266. Over 24 Hours - Part 1

* * *

  


 

Two days later Sebastian was joined by someone else seeking him out by their motorhome. This time though it wasn’t Mark who he saw crossing the grass to where Seb sat on a blanket with his son enjoying the sunshine as he played with his toys. It wasn’t as quiet as it had been a couple of days ago as some of the lower categories were already out for their qualifying sessions, but as theirs was one of the furthest areas of the drivers’ campsite, they weren’t so close to the track that it unduly disturbed them. Seeing as they had exchanged texts to check where he was and how to find them, Sebastian wasn’t surprised to see their visitor. He smiled and waved over.

“Jess!”

“Hey!”

His friend hurried over, Seb standing to greet her though Teddy merely looked up before returning his attention to his array of soft toys set out around him.

“Hello Teddy,” his godmother smiled as she knelt down to look at him, lifting her large sunglasses so he could see her face better.

The little boy looked at her, then his father who smiled.

“Say hi to Auntie Jess Teddy.”

Teddy paused, then complied.

“Hi.”

Jessica beamed at him.

“Hi sweetie-pie.”

 

As her godson resumed his game, she settled to sit properly on the blanket with them, pulling off her sandals and rearranging her silk vest top to neaten up. Seb smiled, thinking that as ever, even in the simplest of outfits his friend never failed to look like a supermodel.

“I’m not sure he remembers me from Monaco,” observed Jess.

“Oh course he does. You know Auntie Jessy don’t you Teddy?”

A pair of big blue eyes peeked at her from under a cap belonging to his father, far too large for the little boy and Jess smiled at him again, pleased to see a shy smile in reply.

“I brought you a present Teddy.”

“Ah Jess you don’t need to do that every time you see him,” protested Seb.

“I like to. Besides, I’m his godmother, I’m supposed to spoil him.”

She reached into her large shoulder bag set by her and pulled out a furry soft toy that looked something like a bear, but not quite.

“It’s a wombat,” she explained. “I looked online because I remembered you mentioning them from your trip to Australia.”

 

Handing it over to Teddy, she tipped the little boy’s cap up a fraction to look at him.

“Your papa said you liked these Teddy, they come from where your daddy’s from.”

“Mark will be impressed,” Seb remarked. “Thank you Jess it’s really very kind of you. Say thank you Teddy. Say danke to Auntie Jessy.”

Teddy looked to his father.

“Say danke,” repeated Seb.

“Dakah,” tried Teddy.

Jessica laughed.

“Danke Teddy. Ach, so cute.”

As Teddy took the toy to examine it, Jess looked to Seb instead.

“Jense says it’s just because I like finding toys to buy and Teddy’s my excuse.”

“Ha, Mark says the same about me.”

“Rotters,” smiled Jessica. “We’re just thinking of little Teddy aren’t we?”

“Course.”

Sebastian looked at the array of soft toys set out, spilling from the blanket onto the grass. It could not be said that his son lacked for amusements.

“You’ve got a whole menagerie haven’t you Teddybär?”

Seb smiled at his son and picked up each toy in turn to show Jess, the little boy occasionally frowning and taking them back from his father to put back in the ‘correct’ place for whatever game he was playing.

“Papa no,” he scolded, taking back the toy penguin to set beside one of the teddy-bears.

Jess laughed at how Seb did as he was told and restricted herself to stroking the koala nearest to her.

“This one’s cute.”

“We actually got that one out in Aus.”

“That’s nice.”

“Daddy didn’t want to buy it did he Teddy, but we talked him into it.”

Jessica shook her head.

“I suspect you do that a lot.”

Sebastian merely smiled back, then realised something.

“I haven’t offered you a drink, would you like one?”

“Water’s fine thanks.”

“Can you just keep an eye on him a sec?”

“Course.”

 

As Seb nipped inside the motorhome to grab a couple of bottles of water from the fridge, Jessica leaned over more to watch what her godson was doing with his toys.

“You’ve got a whole zoo here haven’t you Teddy?”

She turned as she heard Sebastian laugh as he rejoined them, sitting before handing over a bottle.

“Funny zoo with dinosaurs in it.”

“I think it’s an excellent zoo. I’d definitely go visit.”

“We just brought a whole bag full. They’re light at least and easy to shove them all in duffel-bag. I just let him rummage for what he wants or tip out the lot if we’ve room.”

“Joys of travelling by private plane,” teased Jess.

With that she opened her water to take a drink and sat back, leaning into one supporting arm as she glanced around here.

“This is nice. I wasn’t sure when you said, but you’ve got a lovely space here.”

“Yeah Mark asked to make sure we were on the far side. I’ll show you around in a bit.”

“Thanks.”

“Maybe you and Jenson should do the same next time?”

“Ha, prise Jense away from his home comforts?”

“It’s very comfortable actually.”

Jess smiled at him.

“I’m sure it is sweetie. And so nice for Teddy to play out.”

“Yes that’s what we thought. There’s a verandah thing you can pull out if it rains, though we’ve not tried it yet.”

“Hopefully you won’t need to.”

“Indeed.”

Seb gazed at his son thinking that not only would it make it nicer for his son to play out, but dry running would mean far fewer worries about his husband racing too.

“When did you get here?” he enquired.

Jessica began telling him of her journey over, made more complicated by the fact she had only completed a job out in Japan a day ago. As ever Seb was comforted to hear that they weren’t the only ones with complicated lives.

  


“So then I just dropped off my stuff at the hotel and came on down to find Jenson at the base,” continued Jessica. “Seeing as he had another prep meeting I told him I’d hang out here a while and then go back to meet him later.”

“Sure. We went down to the garage yesterday.”

“Oh?”

“Teddy likes to see where his daddy is working, don’t you Schatz?” He reached to stroke over his son’s arm. “Like visiting Daddy.”

“Daddy?”

He sighed as his son looked up and around him for his father, frowning at Seb when he couldn't see him.

“I’m sorry Liebling. I didn’t mean he was here. We’ll see him later.”

“Are you going to watch qualifying?”

Sebastian took a deep breath, then shook his head.

“I’d like to, but it’s no good dragging Teddy down that late.”

“Oh of course.”

“It’s not like we’d be in the garage.”

“No. I keep forgetting.”

“For daytime running we’ll go to the base and watch from there, but it’s just not fair on Teddy to expect him to sleep in his pushchair. Second quali doesn’t finish until midnight tonight.”

Jess nodded.

“Of course. Well I shall miss you.”

“Me too. I hope we can hang out some of the time at least.”

“Course we will,” smiled Jess.

“I bought a radio so I can listen in.”

“Team radio?”

“No just an ordinary one. You can listen to Radio Le Mans, so then I’ll always know what’s happening.”

“I see.”

 

Sebastian looked out at their surroundings. The garage had been fairly busy yesterday when they went down, but it still felt like the calm before the storm even if he could hear cars in the distance now.

“I know it’s going to be different this year,” he allowed, “but we’ve just got to find different ways of doing things.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“It’s just so nice not to be in a hotel.”

“Mm.”

Jessica thought she caught something in his eye, but then Sebastian smiled brightly at her as always, so she moved on to talking about her recent work, Jess enjoying telling stories that amused him when no one she worked with seemed to find them quite so funny.

  
  


Later on when Teddy had tired of playing and deposited himself in his father's lap Seb picked him up to show their visitor around inside the motorhome, Jess nodding and smiling appropriately at all the little hidden away modcons that made it work.

“Is the bed comfy?”

Sebastian laughed.

“Yep.”

“Well that’s the most important thing. Shall we test it Teddy?”

She scooped the little boy up from toddling about with them to stand him on the double bed, holding him under the arms to jump him up and down. Seb shook his head knowing Teddy would want to do that all the time now, but it was hard to object when his son was giggling with delight, almost falling over only for his godmother to lift him back up and keep him bouncing. Sebastian suspected that his son would happily have kept doing so for the entire afternoon, but Jess saw how he was rumpling up the duvet so she lifted him into her arms.

“Sorry.”

“Oh no problem.”

He tugged a corner to roughly straighten it and looked to see that Teddy seemed quite happy in his godmother’s arms before leading them back into the lounge area.

“Do you know I swear this place is actually bigger than our flat in Monte Carlo,” observed Jess.

Sebastian laughed as she set Teddy down to toddle about again.

“Slight exaggeration.”

“Mm, maybe,” she conceded. “Not a huge one though. This place is a Tardis. I love the little dining area. So sweet.”

Sebastian laughed, thinking how unlikely it was for Mark to describe it in the same terms.

“Mark says with his long legs it’s a good job there’s only two of us sitting at it.”

“Have you got a high-chair?”

“No we just sit Teddy on our knee. It’s fine.”

“I’m sure.”

“And if we need to we can just use his travel-cot as a play-pen. If I have to use the loo or anything when Mark’s not here.”

Jess nodded, thinking how that was the sort of thing she never imagined as a concern.

“Very handy.”

As Teddy used his travel-cot to hold onto as he walked around it, Seb led Jess to sit on the sofa.

“I suppose the only drawback is that you have to do your own cooking,” she commented.

“Oh I don’t mind. It’s actually easier with Teddy, and I expect we’ll eat at the base sometimes.”

“Mm.”

“Really though it’s just nice to do our own thing. Mark texts me when he’s on his way back and I have something quick I can get ready.”

Jess almost laughed.

“I can’t imagine Jense trying that with me.”

Seb shrugged a shoulder.

“I suppose it sounds silly, but I like getting to take care of him.”

Jess smiled. That was simply too sweet to repeat to her husband who would only take the piss out of it.

“I hope he appreciates it.”

“Oh I’m sure he does. It’s normally the other way around.”

“Is it?”

“Well, not exactly. We usually cook together at home or take turns, but… I dunno, anyway…”

 

Seb looked at his son finding his toy cars to play with now. Even to Jess he didn’t think he could quite explain that there were times when Mark had to take care of him.

“It’s just nice to feel a bit more in control of our environment,” he admitted. “Especially with Teddy. I’ve already told Mark I’d like to try it elsewhere as well.”

“Oh?”

“European races. Not driving it ourselves of course, but it wasn’t all that complicated to arrange this, so we could get it done for us, driven over and set up.”

“I see. Gosh, can you imagine driving this great thing?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No. I think I’d be mildly terrified. I prefer something distinctly nippier.”

“I’m sure you’d manage.”

Huffing a laugh, Seb shook his head.

“It’s a specialist skill. You should see what the logistics staff do to get everything ready for the team at each race. I’ve no idea how they get those articulated lorries into some of the smaller paddocks like Monaco.”

“Feats of magic.”

“Feats of something certainly. Oh, Teddy no!”

 

He shot up to grab his son to stop him tottering too close to the door to the outside and potentially toppling out. He sighed as he returned to sit with Jess.

“One thing we should have brought was the safety-gate. I suppose I should shut the door, but it’s so warm.”

Jessica looked at the open doorway, then had a brainwave.

“How big is your suitcase?”

“Huh?”

“Could you use it to block it?”

“Oh, um maybe.”

“Where are they?”

“We’ve stashed them under the bed. Could you..?”

Seb handed his son over and went to pull out the cases, bringing the largest through to prop on its side to bar the door.

“Ha, great idea Jess, thanks.”

She put Teddy down to let him go over, the little boy putting his hands on the top of the case. It had wheels, but only if you put it the other way up.

“I think if we put some heavy things in,” Seb reasoned.

  


Five minutes later they sat back where they were before, Teddy allowed to go play again.

“Is he doing better then?” asked Jess. “You said in Spa he had a hard time with Mark working.”

“Oh, yeah. He still gets a bit iffy when Mark goes, but nothing like as bad. I think being here helps.”

“Room to play.”

“Yeah and I spose it’s not so new now, for any of us.” Sebastian sighed out a long breath. “It’s been a strange year for all of us. I don’t think it’s so surprising he’s a bit discombulated.”

Jess laughed.

“Where did you pick that word up?”

Sebastian smiled.

“One of my mechanics says it.”

“Of course.”

“I like it. Mark dared me to get it into an interview in Canada.”

“Did you manage it?”

Sebastian smiled and Jessica laughed and shook her head.

“They gave me a bit of an odd look, but you know.”

“Got to make your own fun sometimes.”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian let out a long breath.

“You must have missed him last weekend,” Jessica guessed.

“Yeah… Yeah I mean I was okay. I hung out with Lewis a bit and I kept busy, but it was the first time we’ve been apart, so…”

Jess put her hand on his arm.

“Tough?”

“Yeah.” Seb looked to her. “I had to do it a few times last year, but… Never mind.”

“What?”

“No we’re all moving on. It’s good.”

Jess nodded. It had been the same when she saw him in Monaco a few weeks ago. Gentle enquiries swerved with vagueness. She had thought that perhaps when he wasn’t so caught up with his own race Seb might open up a bit, but maybe he didn’t want to go there? There was a distance in his expression though, more to his words than he was letting on.

  


In Montreal Sebastian had felt strange to be alone. He knew Dr Phillips was keeping a closer eye on him even if he was trying not to be too obvious about it, and Mark’s repeated calls and texts told Seb that he was concerned as well. After a day or two of reassurances that he really was fine, Seb thought they had both been calmed and in an odd way his working to assure them had helped him feel as though he was proving himself. Now he had another opportunity to support Mark, to take care of things and help everything run smoothly as best he could.

The events in China were two months ago now. Seb didn’t want to be reminded, either of what occurred, or how helplessly out of control he had felt in the aftermath. He had to just shut that off. Sebastian sent those metal doors in his brain clanging shut so firmly he could almost feel the reverberations as they went thud, thud, thud. He only allowed them to be prised open when he had the time to speak with Dr Menton and even then that was with the knowledge that Mark would be there for him afterwards.

Sebastian gave his friend a smile. She was kind and meant well, but now was not the time. Now was the time to feel strong and confident, capable of looking after Teddy and giving Mark everything he needed. Seb had quite enough to worry about with his husband in the race without worrying about himself as well.

“I’m really glad you’re here Jess,” he offered.

“Me too sweetie, well I mean glad you’re here,” she agreed.

“It’s just so nice to have a friend,” Seb continued. “Of course Jenson and Mark, but they’re so busy, and just to have a grown-up to talk to.”

“Ha well I’m not sure you could have included Jense there anyway.”

They both laugh and Seb tsk’d.

“You don’t mean it.”

“Don’t I? Well maybe not, but you’re quite right, it’s good to have someone in the same boat as it were.”

“Yes.”

“Although you’ve rather more to deal with,” acknowledged Jessica.

Sebastian smiled at Teddy who was busy exploring the floor with his cars.

“That’s okay. I like to be busy.”

“Well whenever you’re not too busy you just give me a shout,” Jess offered. “I’ll be in the garage a bit, but not all the time, and you know how long everything else goes on when they’re not even in the car, so we should have plenty of time to hang out.”

“I’ll say.”

“Ha, well there we go.”

 

Sebastian watched his son wheeling the model of Mark’s car around on the carpet knowing he would see plenty of that in the coming days on a larger scale. Then as Teddy clumsily knocked it into another of his toy cars Seb felt his stomach tense. That was not going to happen. Not this time. The little boy laughed as he bashed the car into another couple to push them out of the way and Sebastian wasn’t sure whether to close his eyes or merely be grateful that their son was so innocent of the dangers real racing posed.

“Papa ook!”

Seb huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Yes Schatz I see. Very good.”

Teddy pushed himself to stand and tottered over.

“Papa, caah.”

“Uh-huh.”

He lifted the little boy onto his knee and Teddy waved the car around. He showed it to Jess, his face suddenly looking more serious.

“Daddy caah,” he explained.

“Are you telling Auntie Jess?”

“Yes I can see Teddy,” encouraged Jessica. “Daddy’s car. Well done.”

“Daddy caah,” Teddy repeated, then let out a sigh and leaned back into Seb as if his job was done.

The little boy kept the toy car in his hand as he rested into his father who hugged him in. The model Porsche already had some of that pristine white paint scuffed off by its less than careful owner. Seb hoped against hope that the same would not be true of the original.

  


  


  


That evening Mark stood not far from the real things as he pulled out his phone at the back of the garage. Still half an hour off from the start of the twilight qualifying session, but already that buzz was thrumming around the place. Sebastian had walked down to the garage with Mark a little while earlier, but there they had parted ways. It felt a little sad to see them go on back to the motorhome, but as Mark kissed both his son and his husband's cheek he knew it was right. Teddy was due his dinner and needed his bedtime routine and Seb couldn't be in two places at once. Mark puffed out a breath convincing himself that it was really better this way. No worrying about Seb getting bored in the garage and Mark could simply concentrate on what really was a vital part of the Le Mans build-up as positions for the starting grid were decided.

They stayed with him in the ways that mattered most. All Mark had to do was close his eyes and he could feel the kiss Seb gave him back still lingering, see the _‘please be safe’_ in those blue eyes as his husband said good luck.

“I love you.”

The words were the same ones they said at every race, but that didn’t make them worth any less. As Mark had ducked down by Teddy in his pushchair telling him to be good for his papa, it still tugged at his heart as his son reached for him.

“Daddy.”

“I know darling. Daddy has to work now. You be a good boy.”

“Good.”

“Yep that’s it. Papa take you back and when you wake up in the morning Daddy will be with us.”

“Daddy bah.”

Mark stroked his cheek hoping his son meant ‘daddy back’ not ‘daddy bad’.

“Let’s just hope it is morning when he wakes.”

Mark huffed a laugh at Seb saying that and with a last kiss for their son he stood.

“I promise to tip-toe in.”

“I’ll be awake.”

Mark nodded. One more kiss, one more good luck and one more wave and they were gone, Seb pushing Teddy away down the paddock as Mark watched them go. That done he took a deep breath before turning into the garage. Time for work.

  


With a lull in proceedings now he stole a moment to send a text, not wanting to interrupt Seb if he was busy with Teddy.

MARK: Nearly time. How’s it going?

There was a delay, but then a reply came complete with a photograph of their son sat in bubbles in the little bath their motorhome miraculously came complete with.

SEB: Few sniffles but he’s had his dinner & after this I’m going to put him down for the night so I can listen in. Everything ok?

MARK: All good. Wont it be a smidge early by British time? You know, like by an hour…

SEB: Shh don’t tell Teddy ;)

Mark chuckled, then smiled again as another photograph came through showing their son wrapped up in his towelling dressing-gown.

MARK: Tell Teddy that Daddy says good night. Give him a kiss from me. xox

SEB: Will do Liebling. Love you xox

MARK: Love you too x

He gazed at the pictures for another moment thinking he could have Facetimed or called so he could have said good night directly to his son, but then Seb already had his hands full and to do so might only have disrupted things and upset Teddy when their priority was a nice calm bedtime so he would sleep. Best this way. Now he knew everything was alright Mark could get on with looking ahead and getting on with his own challenge.  


  


It was still light out, but Sebastian had all the blinds drawn in the living area to help it feel later. They were close on seven now, though that was six back home so he was working on convincing Teddy it was bedtime. Fed, bathed, teeth cleaned, hair brushed and pyjamas on, Sebastian sat on the sofa with his son reading him one of his favourite stories by the light of one of the lamps. He glanced at the time to see that there was now only ten minutes to go until the penultimate qualifying session started. There had been no more messages come through from Mark so he had to presume all was well. Seb wasn’t expecting constant updates when he knew Mark would be busy even if he wasn’t in the car. He would have to keep up himself and like everyone else, just hope for the best.

“Closer and closer he got, until he could see… _the penguin!_ _”_ Sebastian read out as he turned the page. “See Kleiner, he’d been looking for the boy just the same hadn’t he? So now they’d found one another and everything was alright again and they sailed happily home together.”

He smiled down at his son who patted the picture held before him.

“See them hugging Teddy. Like Papa hugs Daddy, like we hug you Schatz.”

“Huh.”

“That’s right Liebling. So I’ll give Daddy a big hug like that later and you can give him a hug in the morning.”

“Huh.”

“Yep. Right then.”

He set the book down on the seat beside them and lifted Teddy up.

“No Papa, buh!”

“No more books Liebling. Bedtime now. Papa give you a big hug and you have a lovely sleep until morning.”

 

Teddy pouted, but he didn’t fight being placed in his travel cot. He stayed stood though, resisting his father trying to get him sat down at least.

“Be good Teddy. Papa has something he has to do now and it’s really important.”

 _I need to know your daddy is safe,_ Seb didn’t add, not wanting to pass on any worries to their son.

Teddy still pouted, so Sebastian picked up the book and propped it with the picture of the boy hugging the penguin open so it could be seen through the mesh side. Then he dug in the toy bag for his son’s plush penguin and put it next to it for good measure.

“There we go Teddy, you can look at that, but you need to lie down now.”

As he reached in his son didn’t struggle, so Seb got him to lie down, tucking the blanket around him.

“Good boy.”

Seb stroked his blonde hair neatly to the side and smiled at him.

“I love you Teddybär.”

Teddy looked up at him.

“Papa.”

“Yes Schatz?”

“Good.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Yes you are. Night night from Papa and good night from Daddy.”

He got a dose of the big blue eyes, but Seb wasn’t falling for it this time. He kissed his fingertips and touched them to his son’s forehead. Then with a nod telling Teddy that was it now, Seb walked away to the kitchen area quickly making himself a cup of tea and taking it with the radio into his bedroom at the other end of the motorhome. He left the door open so he could hear and just about see his son, or the cot at any rate, then Sebastian put down his mug to check the radio was properly tuned (even though he had checked it twice earlier). He kept the volume low, but then it wasn’t hard to miss the excited tones of the commentators as they described the situation just as qualifying was due to kick off.

  


Mark wasn’t even in the car first and Seb still felt himself tensing up as the radio informed everyone that the lights had gone green in the pitlane and the session had begun. He wanted his husband to get a good result, but that was nothing to how Sebastian wanted to be sure he would be safe. He knew it was irrational to worry ahead of him even driving, but Seb couldn’t help remembering that last time they were here it had been in qualifying that Mark had crashed. If that happened again Seb had no idea how he would cope with Teddy to care for. Would he yank his poor little son from his bed and rush to the garage, or worse, the medical centre? Seb looked to his phone, double-checking that the volume was on high. They would call him if anything happened. Next of kin, first to be informed if there was bad news.

Seb took in a deep breath and pushed it slowly out. There wasn’t going to a call. There wasn’t going to be any bad news. Nothing bad was going to happen. Everything was going to be fine and besides his husband was currently stood safe and sound in the garage. There was nothing to worry about, and if Seb’s pulse could just settle down that would be marvellous.

He kept his eyes closed, thinking calming thoughts at the same time as he listened to the radio. It felt a rather odd way of following it, but then Seb was used to interpreting team radio whether for himself in the car or when he had been in the garage for Mark in the past. He concentrated on the words, trying to build a picture in his head of the action unfolding. Early yet, just the first ventures out to explore the track and ease the cars into things.

  


As time went on Sebastian found himself relaxing slightly as he got into it. In a weird way it reminded him of when he was young and he used to sneak down in his pyjamas to watch racing going on somewhere far on the other side of the world. His parents asleep upstairs unaware as their son sat cross-legged right in front of the television with the sound turned down, eyes fixed on the exciting cars racing round somewhere exotic and far-flung like Japan or Australia. Daredevil heroes whizzing by on-screen as they pushed their cars to the limit while a pair of big blue eyes took it all in, enraptured by what he saw until his mother appeared in the doorway, hands on hips and a shaking head asking what on earth Seb thought he was doing up at four am and didn’t he know he would get square eyes sat so close to the television?

Sebastian looked down through the motorhome now to see his own son. There was no movement, no sign little Teddy was awake, so ironically Seb thought he had better check he was alright. He climbed off from where he sat cross-legged on the bed and quietly walked past the bedroom and kitchen area to see that his son was fast asleep. Taking a deep breath, he watched for a moment, then nodded to himself and returned to his other vigil. One hour in, speeds increasing, but still a long long way to go.

  


Mark left his own thoughts of his family behind the moment he climbed into the car. He couldn’t afford for his mind to be clouded by any concerns other than how to drive to the best of his ability, to do precisely what the engineers asked of him and generally speaking to go as fast as possible, preferably whilst keeping the car on track. That last ran through his head as he went to step in, followed by the thought that Seb would not find it amusing. Mark smiled to himself wishing he could send some kind of telepathic good vibe back to his husband to tell him he would be fine, then in he got, arms were reaching in to tighten his seatbelts, a voice in his ear re-iterating the plan for his run and Mark thought of nothing else but that. Time to go.

  


It was only when the two hours of that evening’s first qualifying session were completed that Sebastian realised he had given his son his dinner, but totally failed to eat anything himself. It was now gone nine o’clock and as his stomach rumbled Seb flicked the radio off and sent his husband a well done message before going through to hunt out something to make a meal. With an hour until the last qualifying session beginning Sebastian guessed Mark would get a least some break before returning to prepare for their last go. Not enough time to whizz back here unfortunately. In the past Seb would have been getting the chance to give his husband a kiss, to walk to the base with him to get some food and a coffee and to talk it over if Mark wanted to, or to distract him with lighter matters if he didn’t, before walking him back for them to go through all this again. Not now though, just not how things were any more.

  


Mark was still busy talking things through with his team, but similar thoughts crossed his own mind as he did indeed make his way to the Porsche base for a welcome break. He sat with Jenson and Jess, glad for the company, but wishing he had the magical power of apparition from Seb’s Harry Potter stories so he could zip instantaneously back to him, look in on their hopefully sleeping son and get to relax feeling properly not on show for a short while. That wasn’t possible though so Mark ate his snack and drank his coffee, joining in the conversation occasionally, but largely sitting back until he belatedly checked his phone, cursing himself as he saw the message from Seb sat unread.

SEB: Hey Liebling, that went pretty well didn’t it? If you have time to call & want a quick chat you know where I am. If you’re busy don’t worry. Love you xox

“Um sorry guys I just need to step out,” Mark excused, hurrying away to make the call he didn’t know how he hadn’t just made in the first place.

  


“Hey sweetheart sorry about that.”

“No that’s okay. I know you’re busy.”

“I didn’t see your message.”

“Liebling don’t worry. I know how it is.”

“Hm, okay well anyway, you alright?”

Sat back on the bed with the door now pulled to, Sebastian smiled.

“Aren’t I meant to be asking you that?”

Mark shrugged a shoulder.

“Always harder watching I reckon.”

“Mm, you’d know.”

“I would.”

“Well, anyway I’m not watching, I’m listening,” reminded Seb.

“How’s that working out?”

“Yeah okay. You get used to it. To be honest Liebling I normally just get annoyed they’re not showing you the whole time on normal coverage.”

Mark laughed at that, but he could well understand Seb’s need to keep close tabs on him.

“I’m very flattered darling. Anyway I’m fine. That was the easy bit. Driving in the dark next, rather more tricky.”

“Oh god don’t remind me.”

Mark smiled, wishing he could at least gave his husband's arm a rub to reassure him.

“No worries sweetheart. I’ve done this before remember?”

Sebastian took a calming breath. Two years ago and Mark had crashed. Not that he was about to remind him of that of course. It hadn’t been his fault. Fate had just conspired against him and surely the odds were against a repeat of that?

“Seb, you still there?”

“Oh, yes sorry Liebling.”

“Are you tired?”

“Me? No I’m okay.”

“I won’t be offended if you go to bed.”

“Mark, I’m not doing that.”

 _I need to know you’re okay,_ Seb didn’t add.

“Well alright, but if you do get tired…”

“I’m fine,” stopped Sebastian. “So what’s the plan for the next session.”

“Take my turn, go faster.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Honestly Mark.”

“Actually that is pretty honest. Slightly more complex I grant you.”

“Mm, well that’s good to know. When are you in?”

“First up.”

“Oh really? That’s good. That _is_ good isn’t it?” Seb checked.

“Can’t hurt. I may get a second shot but it kinda depends how things go.”

“Right well… I spose you need to get to the garage to prepare.”

“Spose I do.” Mark took in a deep breath. “Virtual hug?”

“Yes please Liebling.”

Mark smiled and closed his eyes. At least this was one race tradition they could still maintain.

 

  


Before long they were back in their respective positions; Seb sat with the radio waiting for things to start, Mark in the Porsche garage getting ready to go. Both of them were more tense this time around, with the stakes higher and dark fallen outside. As Sebastian listened to the commentary re-capping the situation from earlier he envisioned his husband stood in his race-suit speaking with his engineers and team-mates, that serious expression on Mark’s face as he took it all in. He could picture him fetching his helmet, cowl on, making sure the radio ear-pieces were positioned correctly before pulling the helmet on and mentally preparing to get going. Seb tried to prepare himself, breathing steadily and reminding himself that Mark was a good driver, a safe driver, and everything would be fine.

To distract himself for a moment while the lower categories were discussed, Sebastian shuffled off the bed and went to check on his son, reassuring himself that Teddy was asleep before hurrying back in case he missed anything. He practically jumped onto the bed in his haste, causing the radio to bounce where he had left it sitting there on the duvet. Seb grabbed hold of it worrying stupidly that he might damage it. Then he puffed a breath at his own silliness and ended up smiling to himself. Luckily the radio was neither damaged, nor the tuning dial knocked away from the correct frequency. The mattress stilled, Seb set it back in place and risked turning the volume up just a fraction to hear what they were saying. Time to concentrate.

  


Mark himself was fully focussed as he sat waiting for the signal to go. He wanted to get some decent laps in early on while he was fresh, but not push too hard. If he over-stressed the engine that would not go down well with the team and if he made a mistake and pranged the car that would be even worse. Night-time driving always concentrated the mind; having to go from the brightly lit pitlane to darker reaches of the circuit without flood-lights was a challenge, though Mark found this period when it was only just properly past dusk actually harder. When it was full dark the headlights made a starker contrast, picking out the white lines demarcating the edge of the track, and other cars with their own lights were somehow easier to spot. Thus he drove with an element of caution at first before building up, both in confidence and consequently speed, thankfully matching the decrease in light as it got later.

  


Closing his eyes to deliberately shut out all light, Sebastian tried to visualise everything in his mind. So much so in fact that he found himself moving his head to take some of the corners as he listened, imagining himself in the car even when it wasn’t Mark they were talking about. Though Seb wanted to hear about his husband and how he was doing, it was almost a relief when it was about others. Apart from anything else, Seb knew if they weren’t talking about Mark then that had to mean he was fine.

He arranged a couple of pillows behind him and leaned back into them, eyes closed, just letting the words wash over him, lap-times, driver names, positions changing, repeating, going on and on.

  
  


“ _Oh_ that’s a yellow flags and I think, yes a crash out at Mulsanne,” exclaimed the voice, Sebastian bolting upright as he realised with a shock that he had fallen asleep.

His heart pounded with panic as his brain tried to catch up with the information; definitely a crash as they described one of the cars in the barriers, but initially unclear who. Seb wanted to yell at the radio that they should damn well find out.  
  


 

Mark himself experienced only mild annoyance as he slowly drove past as the driver climbed from the crashed car, asking on the radio for an update to be told it was a Toyota, but that the driver was uninjured.

“Yeah I saw him. Okay, thanks.”

“Apparently there’s some damage to the Tecpro, might take a while to fix. We’ll ask for an update, but prepare to come in.”

He sighed under his breath, but Mark knew there was nothing to be done but accept how things were.

“Righto.”

  


Sebastian heard none of this exchange. He was too busy doing some slow breathing as the radio presenters told everyone that it was the second Toyota that had spun having braked too late at the end of the long straight. His blood was still zinging round his veins, his heart beating too fast even as Seb told himself to calm down. Mark was fine. It had just given him a fright, made worse by the disorientation on waking to a nasty shock. Mark was fine. Taking in a deeper breath, Seb slowly pushed it out through his nose in the way he knew was best to control his body’s reaction. No panicking, no over-reacting. Everything was okay.

As he settled enough to properly listen to the radio, he was glad to hear that the driver was okay and being picked up to return to the pits, but Seb was still recovering himself too much to pay a lot of attention beyond the fact that nobody else had been involved. He closed his eyes for a moment to steady himself, then at hearing that the recovery of the car and track repairs would take some time and consequently the cars were returning to the pits, Sebastian huffed out a breath and climbed off the bed.

He walked down the passage past the bathroom, past the galley kitchen to reach his son, dipping down to look through the mesh at the side of the cot to be as close as possible to Teddy.

“Daddy’s fine Liebling,” he whispered.

The little boy didn’t stir, so Sebastian collected up the book and toy he had left there and put them on the side. He looked down at Teddy for another moment, then went back to find his phone.

SEB: Don’t know if you’ll get to read this Liebling, but I’m glad you’re ok.

Not expecting an imminent reply, he put his phone down and listened to the commentators filling airtime wondering if it was really awful that he was so relieved it wasn’t Mark. It didn’t mean he was pleased the crash had happened to someone else. Not really. Seb puffed a breath thinking that if he was entirely honest with himself, he would prefer it to be somebody other than Mark, though of course the best result would be no one crashing at all.

“At least it’s not raining,” he said out-loud, then huffed a tiny laugh at the realisation he had reached the point where he was talking to himself.

  


Seeing as twenty minutes were required to get the circuit back in safe shape to be raced on again, Mark was out of the car by the time things got going again. Having given all his feedback to the team he fitted on headphones to listen to team radio, only then finding his bag to check his phone, replying to his parents, Fabian, and of course Sebastian.

MARK: Hey sweetheart. Thanks, me too. Bit frustrating tbh as we were just winding up to get my best laps, but such is life.

SEB: Oh Liebling I’m sorry. I’m sure you would have been brilliant. Still plenty of time for the team tho at least.

Mark smiled. Seb always found a positive and it helped him to be more sanguine too. Team game after all, so there was no point fretting about failing to get his own moment of glory.

MARK: Quite right darling. Guess we’re both left listening in to wait for the result now. All well your end?

Sebastian didn’t want to make a point of the scare it had given him, nor to say he had fallen asleep.

SEB: All fine. Teddy is sleeping like an angel.

Mark chuckled, not in the least put out that his son was showing no interest in him driving.

MARK: Good to hear. Hurray for double-glazing.

Sebastian smiled and glanced to the window in the bedroom. He had definitely made sure they were all closed so their son was undisturbed. He wondered what would be good to reply.

SEB: Absolutely. Well, keeping my fingers crossed Liebling.

MARK: Thanks. Better go. See you later, tho it’ll be a while after we’ve finished up, so don’t feel you have to stay awake.

Sebastian huffed a tiny laugh thinking he had already failed once on that score.

SEB: Ok x

  


At five minutes past twelve Sebastian switched the radio off and sent Mark another message. Getting up he went to check on Teddy again thinking it was impressive how well he was sleeping. Then he went to use the bathroom to get ready for bed, putting on his pyjamas so he was comfy, but ready to go to Teddy if he needed him. Then there was nothing left to do except climb under the duvet, his phone kept beside him in the hope Mark might text or call, if only to keep him awake.

  


It was twenty minutes before Mark could check his phone again. He hadn’t exactly leapt for it seeing as he was feeling somewhat deflated at their only achieving fourth place for the start.

SEB: I think you did really well Liebling. You can do plenty from 4th, esp in such a long race. If I’ve dropped off when you get in please wake me. I want to give you a hug. (You cant say no, I promised Teddy I would!) xox

Mark smiled. Seb was right of course, at Le Mans pole position was largely a matter of team pride and publicity, not the be all and end all for the race itself. He’d done what he could, no point stressing about it.

  


  


When he eventually got back to the motorhome Mark was more than tired himself. As he had traipsed over the damp grass to the far side he had to use his phone’s torch function to help find his way. Some of the other motorhomes had light coming from unshaded windows, but they were quiet. The same could not be true of everyone at Le Mans. Fans who were camping could be heard partying on into the night in the distance, but that was the last thing on Mark’s mind. He hoped Seb’s assertion that their double-glazing was effective was true as the only thing he really wanted right now was to lie down and sleep. Thank god tomorrow was a rest day before the race on Saturday.

Inching open the motorhome door, Mark tentatively stepped inside, relocking the door behind him before pushing his shoes off so as not to make a noise. The lamp was left on lending a soft glow to the living area and Mark smiled to know Seb had done so for him so he wasn’t stumbling around in the dark trying to find a switch in a strange place. He shucked his jacket off thinking how much warmer it was in here than it had been outside in the cold night air. Resting it on the sofa Mark went to look in on his son, pleased to see him still asleep.

“Good lad,” he whispered.

Gazing down at the peaceful toddler Mark was reminded to put things in perspective. So what that he had been stymied in his attempt to really show what he could do tonight? He had done what he could. No reason to be down on himself or curse his luck. How could he think himself other than the luckiest of men when he had this to come back to?

Mark let out a muted chuckle as two arms slid around his waist, rather emphasising this point. He stood still as someone pressed gently into his back, a cheek rested into his shoulder. Seb of course. As Mark turned his head to look he was rewarded with a kiss landing somewhere near his mouth. He swivelled around so the kiss could meet his lips this time.

“Hey,” he whispered, raising one hand to stroke the knuckles softly over Seb’s cheek.

“Hello Liebling.”

Sebastian finally let go of him and stepped away a little to look at him.

“You’ve changed already.”

“At the base. I didn’t want to make noise having a shower here. Guess you heard me coming in though.”

Shrugging a shoulder, Seb looked in at their son, then took Mark’s hand.

“Come through.”

 

Mark allowed himself to be towed away, shutting the bedroom door so they could speak properly.

“I promised you a hug.”

“Hm?”

“A hug.”

Sebastian stood to face him this time, going up on tiptoe to wrap his arms around Mark’s neck, Mark smiling as he put his arms around Seb in turn. Placing his cheek by his husband's, Mark closed his eyes for a moment to absorb the feeling, then kissed him there.

“Thank you.”

“Thank you?”

Mark shrugged, making Seb sigh.

“Oh Liebling. Are you okay?”

Mark sat down on the bed with a long huff, Seb sitting beside him.

“Are you disappointed?”

“Ah I dunno. A bit. I know you’re right. It’s not the end of the world.”

“Course it’s not Liebling. So much happens in the race. It’s so unpredictable.”

“Ha, that’s true enough. Who can say what’ll happen?”

“True. I guess I hoped we could aim a bit higher, but fourth’s not so bad,” Mark accepted.

“I think you did really well.”

Mark laughed.

“From what you saw.”

“I listened.”

“Course you did.”

“Wasn’t your fault they had to red flag the session.”

“No.”

“You made good times, didn’t make any mistakes.”

“Just quite fast enough.”

“Well it’s not all on you Liebling. Timo didn’t do any better at the end there.”

Mark gave him a smile.

“I spose.”

Seb turned more into him and stroked over Mark’s arm.

“Sometimes it just doesn’t go your way. I know what that’s like.”

Mark nodded and gave Seb a kiss.

“Very well sweetheart I won’t be a grump about it.”

“Oh no you can feel what you feel Liebling.”

Mark laughed.

“No I’m not pretending darling. You always have a good way of looking at things from a positive.”

“You do the same for me.”

“Okay, well safe to say I shall be glad enough to sleep on it. Speaking of which, why are you still up? It’s gone one am. Way past.”

 

Sebastian pouted, giving him big blue eyes that Mark was incapable of resisting smiling at.

“I wanted to be here for you Liebling.”

“You’re always here for me.” Mark took in a deep breath. “That said my darling, please don’t be trying to stay up all through the race or you’ll be a wreck.”

“Have you been speaking to my mother?” teased Seb.

“No. Well actually yes, frequently over the last weekend, but I’m sure she’d agree.”

“I know she would. Well, I’m ready for bed Liebling. You’re the one who needs to get undressed.”

“Fair point. God I’m knackered.”

“Do you need me to clean your teeth for you?” teased Seb.

“Ha, like I’m Teddy? No thanks mate, I can at least manage that. Give me a mo.”

 

As he returned to find Seb sat up in bed waiting for him, Mark gave him a smile.

“Think it’s a good job for both of us tomorrow’s a rest day.”

“Don’t you still have prep and media?”

“Not all day.”

“And the parade.”

Mark was pulling off his clothes as they talked.

“Only in the evening. Morning off.”

“Yay.”

Mark laughed and sat to pull at the covers, peeking under them with an arched eyebrow making Seb laugh too.

“You were in pyjamas,” Mark noted.

“For Teddy, you know checking on him while I was listening.”

“Sure. Well he seems pretty out for the count.”

“I don’t know how seeing as I put him down early.”

“Let’s just count our blessings sweetheart. No doubt he’ll be up extra early in the morning.”

Mark had slid in beside him now, the pair of them lying down facing one another.

“It is morning,” noted Seb.

“All the more reason to get some kip then.”

“Mmm.”

Mark reached to turn out the bedside lamp thinking though far smaller than their bedroom at home, this really was quite well set up. He reached his arm around Seb and took a deep breath in of him. That was better. Much better. Now time to forget everything and just _sleep_.

  


 

  


The prediction regarding Teddy proved only too right when he woke with the dawn, shortly before six am. Mark groaned at the sound of him calling for them, feeling as though he had only just fallen asleep. As he shifted and half-opened his eyes he saw Seb sitting up, placing a hand on his arm to halt him.

“No Liebling, you rest. I’ve got it.”

He looked to see Seb pulling on pyjama bottoms and t-shirt, unable to hide a yawn that made his husband smile.

“Go back to sleep,” Sebastian instructed, leaning over to give him a kiss.

“Mm.”

Seb huffed a laugh as Mark re-closed his eyes without hesitation. He’d had little more than four hours sleep and that just wouldn't do with the race tomorrow. As Seb hurried to hoist his noisy son from his cot he shook his head.

“Shhh, Teddy mustn’t wake Daddy.”

“Daddy?”

“Daddy’s sleeping Kleiner. He needs his rest, so shh now, okay?”

“Papa.”

“Yes I’m here.”

“Papa Daddy.”

Seb sighed and looked at him.

“Do you just want to know he’s here?”

“Daddy,” pouted Teddy.

“Hmm. Okay, but we mustn’t disturb him Liebling. You have to be good.”

“Good.”

Sebastian smiled, hoping that was a promise. He carried his son down to the bedroom end of the motorhome, sneaking the door open to show Mark asleep under the duvet. He put his finger to his lips.

“Daddy.”

“Shh Teddy,” he whispered.

The little boy gave him big eyes, but Seb knew how important Mark’s sleep really was so he took Teddy out again, firmly shutting the door.

“I know we normally have a big snuggle Schatz, but not today. You and I can have a little cuddle instead. I’ll make your milk.”

 

Milk warmed and a mug of tea made, Sebastian found one of Mark’s large zip-up hoodies and pulled it on before retrieving Teddy from where he was now playing on the floor. He had raised the blinds in here to see that it was a beautiful morning outside, so Seb opened the door, fetched their drinks and sat Teddy on his knee, the hoody pulled around both of them as they drank their morning drinks watching the sky brighten to a glorious summer blue, scarcely a cloud to be seen.

As he leaned into the doorframe, bare feet on the step down to the grass, Sebastian thought how in a way Mark was missing out here. The sunrise was beautiful, the air fresh without being too cold and Teddy was contentedly resting into him, holding his cup with both hands as he sipped at it. Seb kissed the top of his blonde head and looked out, seeing the slight mist rising up from the grass in the distance as the early morning sun heated the ground that had cooled overnight. The motorhome kept them well insulated, though Seb suspected those camping might have been a bit chilly.

“Best off here aren’t we Teddybär?”

His son looked up at him.

“Papa?”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“Nothing Liebling. We’re just going to have a nice day today, a nice relaxed morning, have a play after breakfast, maybe have a little nap for all of us, then we’ll walk down with Daddy and we can meet Auntie Jess.”

Teddy was looking at him as if listening very carefully to this plan, so Seb smiled to him.

“That sound good? We might be able to go see Daddy’s garage if it’s quiet enough. I know you like that.”

He puffed out a long breath thinking through what Mark’s commitments for the day were. They could have lunch at the base when he was free and then when he was working in the afternoon Seb could bring Teddy back here for a proper run around and a good long nap, (one Seb was already thinking he might copy). He still wasn’t sure about the parade later. It was fun and Teddy might enjoy seeing the cars, certainly he would enjoy waving to his father, but it would be so busy and the idea of taking his small son into crowds unnerved Seb. He would have to talk it over with Mark when he woke later, see what he thought. For now this was perfect; quiet and still, just the two of them with the world seemingly slumbering around them.  


  


It was three hours before Mark emerged, finding Seb finishing up his own breakfast having already fed Teddy. Mark dipped in to kiss his cheek and waved over to his son sat on the carpet playing.

“Morning sweetheart.”

Sebastian smiled up at him.

“Morning Liebling. Good sleep?”

“Yeah, god I needed it.”

“Mm. There’s tea in the pot. Would you like some?”

“Ooh yes thanks.”

“I’ll get it.”

Sebastian leapt up before Mark could protest and soon little arms were gripping his pyjama-clad leg as Teddy had come over to claim his father.

“Hello trouble,” Mark smiled as he peered down at him.

“Daddy up!”

Mark laughed and did as he was told, picking up his son to give him a hug and a kiss.

“What do you want for breakfast Liebling?” enquired Seb from the kitchen area.

“Are you going to fuss over me?”

“Are you going to let me?”

They looked at one another and Mark could only smile as his son too fussed into him, clinging around his neck and pressing in tight. Giving in, he sat at the table, Teddy on his knee refusing to let go of him as Seb brought Mark tea and made him breakfast. As Mark found a way to eat and drink around his son, he reflected that whilst autograph sessions might be one of the few times he felt like an actual celebrity, his family never failed to make him feel like the most important person in the world, or their world at least.

  


After breakfast Mark didn’t take much persuading to return to bed for their delayed family snuggle.

“I think you might have to prise him off me later,” he observed, glancing down to Teddy who still resided on his lap, all of them propped up on the pillows.

“Mm.”

“You’ll be alright?”

“Yeah. No we’ll be fine Liebling. I was just wondering about the parade.”

“Ah.”

Mark nodded. They had discussed it way back when planning this whole event and indeed since getting here, but he could tell Seb was still uncertain.

“Darling don’t worry about it. You can just bring him back here for his dinner and I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“I dunno.”

“I shouldn’t be too late. I reckon half seven-ish, bit later maybe.”

“Oh no I didn’t mean that Liebling. You do what you need to,” assured Seb. “I was thinking if we go with British time you’d be back in time to put him to bed.”

Mark nodded, stroking over his son’s arm.

“Well I’d like that darling, though don’t worry too much about it. If he’s tired just put him down.”

Seb went to open his mouth, but Mark pressed on.

“Anyway, that aside,” he continued, “re the parade; don’t fret about it. I know it’ll be busy.”

“I think he’d like to see you.”

“He sees me all the time sweetheart.”

“I know but… and wouldn't you like to see him? Wouldn’t that be kinda special?”

“Seb I’m always happy to see both of you, but I don’t want you stressing about it.”

Sebastian sighed and Mark shook his head.

“Seriously sweetheart, it’s no big deal.”

“I would like to go.”

“Right, well… I don’t know, perhaps you could ask Jess to babysit?”

“Oh no Liebling I didn’t mean that. It wouldn't be any fun on my own. I just… Oh I don’t know.”

Mark gave him a sympathetic smile at Seb tying himself up in knots over this.

“It’s just a big publicity stunt Seb. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter.”

Sebastian scrunched his face and Mark shook his head again.

“Look, why don’t you just see how you feel later on? I’ll have time to come back to the base before I head off into town for it, so you can let me know then.”

“Okay.”

“And if you think not, then that’s absolutely fine sweetheart, okay?”

“Okay.”

Sebastian puffed out a long breath as he looked at Teddy sat with Mark. Always complications for their family. Maybe he’d see what Jess thought?

  
  


  


It was later in the afternoon when the two of them sat having coffee in the Porsche base. The three of them really seeing as Teddy sat on his Auntie Jess’s knee having his own drink while the grown-ups talked.

“I’d be with you,” Jess reassured.

“I know. Hmm, just, so many people.”

“What if we went incognito?”

Sebastian huffed a laugh.

“Trenchcoats and sunglasses?”

“Well, not coats, but yes sunglasses, caps, bland kinda clothing.” Jessica shrugged. “Could work. After all people will be looking out at the guys in the parade, not us.”

“Maybe.”

“Look, why don’t we try it? If you’re feeling uncomfortable and it’s all a bit fraught and not fun, then we’ll just leave. I’ll make sure you’re alright.”

Seb huffed a laugh.

“You gonna look after me?”

Jess shrugged her shoulder thinking, _yes that’s the general idea_.

“Bit of moral support, that’s all,” she offered.

Seb nodded, wondering if he was being paranoid and over the top about all this. He knew there was a chance they would be recognised and if that happened there would be little he could do to stop people taking a picture of him with his son, but at least Porsche’s PR team had spoken to any official media here to remind them that they were not to take any pictures of Teddy and so far the agreement had held. In the cooler evening he could put Teddy in a hoody, keep the hood up, maybe even persuade him to wear sunglasses? As the toddler ‘accidentally’ chucked his new toy wombat onto the floor getting Jess to pick it up to pass back to him, Seb suspected getting Teddy to co-operate might be an ask. It could be fun though. He couldn't quite shift the image of Mark seeing them there to wave to him and Seb crumbled.

“Yeah okay, thanks. We’ll give it a try.”

“Great,” smiled Jess.

  


  


  


So it was that in the early evening on the Friday Sebastian stood dressed in his most anonymous shorts and t-shirt, plain cap on, sunglasses in place whilst Jessica beside him wore her best effort to dress similarly, though her jeans were designer and the t-shirt nothing like the relatively scruffy one Seb had on. So far it was working as they did nothing to attract any attention while the crowd built in anticipation of the parade of Le Mans drivers in their classic cars due to start shortly from the town centre. Sebastian had Teddy sat on the barrier in front of him, both arms wrapped around to hold him in place and keep him safe, Jess right next to him while on the other side there was another family who he guessed were Dutch, two small girls similarly sat on the barrier, parents hanging on to them.

As Sebastian had presumed, Teddy sunglasses had lasted on his face all of thirty seconds before he pulled them off, Seb only just managing to save them from being flung into the parade path in front of them. He had succeeded in getting his son’s little hood up though, so that was something. He chatted quietly to Jessica, trying not to spoil the occasion by fretting that any minute there would go up a call of; _“Hey, isn’t that Sebastian Vettel-Webber over there?”_ followed by flashing cameras and a stampede in their direction.

Perhaps it was vanity to think anyone would be looking for him anyway? Or if they would even care. People were here for the WEC stars, not him.

Beside Sebastian Jessica was looking at her phone.

“Jense says they’re setting off in a minute. Not sure where they are in the order though.”

“Righto.”

“Keep a look out Teddy,” advised Jessica.

Sebastian gave his son a little squeeze, not wanting to say too loudly that he should watch out for Daddy coming along. Music played with a carnival-like atmosphere pervading and though Seb wondered if he shouldn’t have brought Teddy’s ear-protectors, the little boy himself jigged with excitement, seeming perfectly happy.

 

Soon a ripple of applause and cheers from further down foretold of the first of the cars making their way past. Drivers sat on the back of rear seats in open-top classic cars, waving and smiling, throwing sweets and freebies and generally seeming to have as good a time as those there to support them. Seb smiled and waved with the rest, one arm firmly wrapped around Teddy to hold onto him.

As the excitement level grew the crowd around them jostled about somewhat and Seb felt a flare of anxiety rush through him, worrying again about having brought his son to somewhere so exposed and busy. Jess stayed pressed into his side though and Seb wondered if that was deliberate rather than her being pushed. Teddy didn’t seem to notice any of it. He waved at every car coming past, appearing to think that this was a game, taking it that every driver who waved back was doing it specifically to him only causing him to wave back even more, calling out ‘hi’ to nearly all of them.

It seemed to take forever before first Jenson’s car, then Mark’s was approaching. Jess stood on her toes to wave to her husband showing off as ever, Jenson spotting them and waving over, blowing them a theatrical kiss that made both of them laugh. Behind them Seb had already seen Mark, sat on their side of the car. He smiled to think that Mark might have done that on purpose after he had texted to say where they were.

“Here is Schatz,” Seb spoke into his son’s ear. “Here’s Daddy’s car.”

Teddy looked to him instead of the cars, so Sebastian pointed, wondering if the different car to Mark’s LMP1 was confusing him.

“There he is,” added in Jess. “Can you see him Teddy?”

“Daddy,” pointed Sebastian again as the car got close.

  


Mark in the car was scanning the crowd with even more urgency, frantically looking for his husband and son when they were deliberately covered up as much as possible.

“Daddy!”

That familiar high-pitched voice seemed to cut through the noise of the crowd and Mark smiled as he located the source. There they were, crammed in at the barrier, Teddy perched on top looking utterly thrilled as he waved with such enthusiasm it looked as though Seb was having a job to hang on to him.

“Hey!” he called over.

Mark waved as they got close, wishing he could get the car to stop so he could take Teddy to sit in it with him. How awesome would it be to do the whole parade with his son sat proudly in his lap? Even as he imagined that Mark knew it would give Seb paroxysms of nerves; no safety-belt, all those cameras? Not a chance. He pulled off his sunglasses and waved again, trying to make sure he kept his son’s eye as they drew level.

“Hi Teddy! Hi guys!”

“Hi Liebling!” called out Seb, quite forgetting himself as the excitement their son felt soaked into him as well.

“Hey,” grinned Mark.

Just for a moment they were barely a metre apart, Mark feeling as though he could almost reach over to touch them. As his son saw him so close he clearly felt the same and reached out both arms.

“Daddy! Daddy hi!”

He sounded so urgent and those arms reaching out were so appealing, Mark felt rather guilty to disappoint him.

“It’s alright mate I’ll see you later. I’ll see you later sweetheart.”

Mark turned his head to keep looking at him, then half-turned his body to stay visible for as long as possible. Teddy’s little face was confused for a moment, calling out again before it fell as his daddy was swept away from him. Mark puffed out a breath as he saw Seb taking hold of the little boy to turn him around and Mark did likewise. It had felt good to see them, but he hoped it hadn’t caused more problems. Not much he could do now though, so Mark put a smile back on his face and waved to strangers instead, hoping Seb was okay.

  


Further back at the barrier Seb had already begun to see faces turning their way as Teddy called out for his daddy so determinedly. He half hoped that seeing as Mark’s team-mate Timo also had kids there was a chance they might think it his son and Jess his wife, but now as he had turned his son around to look at him, Seb saw his face scrunch up ominously and he knew Teddy was about to attract even more attention.

“Papa!” wailed Teddy at the top of his voice.

“Oh Liebling no, it’s okay.”

“No!” Teddy cried. “Papa, Daddy!”

“We’ll see him later Schatz.”

More and more people were being distracted from the cars passing by Teddy as he began to howl and Sebastian clutched him in off the barrier, looking to Jess.

“Can we go? Sorry.”

“Oh, sure.”

Jessica tried not to recoil at the din Teddy was making, wondering how it wasn’t deafening Seb as the little boy buried his face into his shoulder in distress, still repeating ‘Papa, _Daddy’_ in an appeal that even she understood. She could see that Sebastian was looking anxious though and Jessica guessed it was more at people looking than his son crying. She turned, deciding to put sharp elbows to good use.

“Excuse me, excusé moi, coming through!”

Acting as line-backer, she pushed her way into the crowd gathered behind them, making sure to keep a path for Seb to follow, Teddy still clinging into him. It took a moment and as they pushed their way out even more people stared, but then they were through, out into the empty space beyond where both of them heaved sighs of relief.

“Right.”

“Sorry,” apologised Sebastian once more.

“It’s fine. Let’s go.”

 

They hurried away, a few heads still turning at the sound of a crying child, but Seb kept Teddy held close, ignoring the noise as he and Jessica walked as fast as they could back the way they had come. Seb was so concerned with his son that he didn’t even recognise the way his friend made sure she was walking to the inside of them just in case anyone did try to snap a photo on their phone.

Thankfully the hotel Jess was staying in was not far off. Seb brought Teddy up to her room and sat on the bed, still consoling a seemingly distraught Teddy.

“Is he alright?”

Sebastian sat wiping his son’s eyes.

“He’ll be okay. He just doesn’t understand how it all works. I should have thought he might not appreciate Mark having to go on past us.”

“Poor little thing,” sympathised Jess as she sat with them, rubbing over Teddy arm.

The little boy took several more shuddery breaths, then let out one long one before pressing into Seb’s chest. Sebastian sighed and puffed a breath. Jessica had carried his bag of Teddy essentials so he looked where she had put it down.

“I’ve got some water in my bag, would you mind finding it?”

“Oh I’ll have some.” Jessica stood and fetched a bottle, opening it before passing it over.

Sebastian fed a little to help calm his son, then had a sip himself before handing it back.

“Sorry about that,” he apologised.

“It’s okay.”

“I think the noise and all that probably got him a bit over-excited and then it only takes something to push him the other way,” Seb explained.

“Right. You okay now Teddy?”

Teddy merely pouted at her, staying pressed into his father. He wiped his face into Seb’s shirt, then looked up at him.

“Papa.”

“Yes Liebling, it’s okay.”

“Papa Daddy bye.”

Sebastian smiled a sad smile at him.

“Yes daddy had to go bye for a while, but he’ll come back and we’ll see him later,” he assured, already thinking it might be best to make sure Teddy stayed awake until Mark returned.

 

Teddy took a deep breath and simply stayed into him as Seb stroked over his back to reassure him. Jess shook her head.

“He’s so cute.”

Sebastian huffed a laugh. A screaming toddler wasn’t his idea of cute, though Teddy could excel at that when he chose to.

“He’s very attached to Mark.”

“Well of course he is. He looks pretty attached to you as well.”

“Literally.”

“Mm.”

Jess observed the way her godson stayed crushed into Seb.

“You’re so good with him.”

Sebastian shrugged a shoulder, but Jess shook her head.

“You are. I knew you’d be a great dad.”

“Papa.”

Jessica laughed lightly.

“Of course. Papa. You’re a wonderful papa. Teddy’s a very lucky little boy.”

Looking down at his mercifully now peaceful son, Sebastian kissed his forehead.

“We’re the lucky ones.”

“Mm,” nodded Jess. “Hard work though sometimes? I mean just generally, being a parent.”

“God yeah,” laughed Seb. “Crazy sometimes.”

“I don’t know how you do it.”

“Neither do I some days.” Seb puffed another breath. “And other days I don’t know how I could live without it.”

He saw the way Jess was looking at him and smiled.

“Jenson still thinks we’re a bit mad doesn’t he?”

“Oh I don’t know about that. We do wonder how you manage.”

“We just find a way, somehow.”

“Sure,” agreed Jessica. “He okay now?”

“Yeah. You’re alright aren’t you Teddybär?”

“Papa huh.”

“Mm, Papa give you a hug, that’s right.”

“Will you stay here until they’re done?”

“Oh, um, actually I think I’d better take him back. I’ll give him a bath and his dinner and then he’ll feel more himself hopefully. We try to keep his routine as much as possible.”

“Right, of course. Shall I ring down and sort out the car for you?”

“Do you mind?”

“Course not. Give me a sec.”

“Where would we be without Auntie Jess eh?” smiled Seb.  


  


  


Mark returned to the motorhome glad to have already received more than one message from his husband to reassure him that all was well. The first had been waiting for him when the parade finished, Mark stood reading it as soon as he climbed out of the car to learn that Seb had taken Teddy back to Jess’s room before heading back to their place at the circuit.

Now he walked in to find Sebastian sat with Teddy on his lap on the sofa, the television in the living area playing out one of the DVDs they had brought.

“Hey.”

“Oh hey Liebling, you’re back,” smiled Seb.

“Daddy hi!”

The little boy no longer looked to the cartoon in front of him as he urgently held out his arms, this time thankfully being scooped straight into his father’s.

“Hey mate it’s okay. Here I am darling. It’s okay.”

Sebastian stood with them, both parents looking in to their son as he anxiously squashed his face into Mark’s shoulder, arms firmly around his neck.

“It’s alright,” soothed Mark.

Teddy breathed a little heavily into him, but this time tears were avoided as he had what he wanted. Mark looked up from him to Seb, guessing what this signified.

“Did he have a meltdown?”

“Um, well… a bit.”

“Oh dear,” sighed Mark.

He shook his head at their son and took him to sit down.

“Teddy mate you’re gonna have to stop giving Papa such a hard time.”

“It wasn’t really his fault,” defended Seb sitting with them. “He didn’t understand how it worked Liebling.”

“No I spose not.”

“I think he thought you were coming to us and then…”

“And then I went away,” realised Mark. “Ah sweetheart, I’m sorry.” He tried to get Teddy’s gaze. “I’m sorry Teddy mate, that must have been confusing.”

“I just thought it best we left. He calmed down after.”

“Sure.”

“He was having a good time until then,” asserted Sebastian. “We were fine, just you know…”

“Mm.”

“I think his idea was that it’d be all this tah-dah stuff and then you’d just drive up to us and that’d be it.”

Mark smiled at the notion that his son could imagine they should hold a parade just for him to reach his son so he could give him a hug. It was impossible not to be flattered to think that to Teddy that might seem an entirely reasonable proposition.

“Poor kid. Rotten Daddy leaving you in the lurch like that.”

Teddy looked up at him through his lashes, so Mark stroked his cheek.

“Sorry mate.”

“It was just a bit much for him maybe,” commented Seb.

Mark nodded.

“I hope he’ll be alright tomorrow.”

“We’ll be okay,” Seb assured.

“Yeah,” agreed Mark, thinking no good came of being negative.

 

He looked in at their son in his pyjamas, washed and ready for bed.

“Papa’s sorted you all out huh?”

Mark sat Teddy more onto his knee. The little boy looked like an angelic little cherub like this, all round pink cheeks and neatly brushed blonde hair, but he knew this son could raise hell when he chose to. Until now they had been fortunate enough to have a fairly settled week and Mark hoped that would resume tomorrow seeing as he really couldn't afford to have too much disruption to worry about during the race.

“He’s really been good as gold since we got home,” commented Seb.

“Home,” teased Mark.

“Well, our little race home.”

Mark nodded.

“It is isn’t it? You know I’m very glad to come back here rather than some hotel.”

“Me too Liebling.”

Mark glanced to the television.

“This his idea or yours?”

Sebastian smiled, knowing they’d never normally have the TV on for their son’s bedtime.

“We thought we’d keep busy.”

“Of course. Have you had your dinner?”

“No. Teddy has.”

“Sure.”

“Why don’t you read to him while I cook?” proposed Sebastian thinking Mark might value that opportunity in such a hectic week.

“Right you are then,” Mark accepted. “Where’s your books kiddo?”

Seb stood, switching off the television and putting a small pile of storybooks on the sofa by Mark for him to choose from.

  


They attempted eating their meal at the little tucked in dining table once Mark had put Teddy to bed, but that came to a halt when Mark looked over to the travel cot.

“Uh oh, we’ve got an audience.”

“Hm?”

Seb looked where Mark was to see their son stood up in his cot holding onto the side, plainly watching his parents.

“Oh Teddy,” sighed Seb.

“You’re not missing out on anything mate,” Mark assured him.

Both of them got up and went over, Mark ducking down to shake his head at their son.

“You’re meant to be asleep sunshine.”

“Maybe we’re disturbing him?”

“We were being quiet.”

“The light and everything though.”

Mark glanced over. They only had a lamp on by the table, but Seb might have a point.

“Right.”

 

They looked to one another, both knowing that a relocation was on the cards. Collecting up plates and drinks, they transferred them to the bedroom. On returning to the lounge Mark got Teddy to lie down while Seb took the DVD from the machine.

“I thought we could watch it while we eat,” he explained.

“Sure. Right Teddy mate, Daddy and Papa are going to bed now,” he looked to Seb and whispered to him, _“and definitely not_ _going in there to eat our nice dinner whilst watching your Disney films._ ”

Sebastian smiled and shook his head.

“Just sleep now Teddy, we won’t disturb you any more.”

He suspected Teddy would protest, but it was nearly nine o’clock now. Even by British times it was getting on for eight, which was way past their son’s bedtime and the little boy really was worn out, so as his parents tucked him in and said goodnight, he merely sighed and closed his eyes.

 

“Thank goodness for that,” Mark sighed, thinking that tonight of all nights he could not afford to be kept up.

“Mm.” Seb showed him the DVD box of the film he had been watching earlier. “By the way Liebling, _whose_ Disney films are they?”

Mark smiled and kissed his cheek.

“Yours?”

“All of ours.”

“Of course sweetheart.”

With a last glance back they shut the bedroom door. Food, relaxing watching an unchallenging film, and an early night. Mark knew some drivers would be sat up going over their notes for the race, calling loved ones back home. Younger drivers especially might be spun up with nerves and a giddy sense of over-excitement, almost like their son perhaps suffered from earlier. Mark might have far different immediate concerns, but he’d still take this over all other options.

 

 

* * *

 


	267. Over 24 Hours - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twenty-four hours can end up being far longer in practise...

 

* * *

 

  


A twenty-four hour race was by definition always a long one, but it was even longer with a small child in tow. Adding in the warm-up session first thing made it an even longer day. Mark had told Seb it was fine for him to stay back at the motorhome, but seeing as Teddy had woken early as usual he chose to go down with him even though it wasn’t yet eight. As Mark pushed the buggy through the paddock they could see that the teams had been here even earlier, hard at work making all the necessary preparations. Once changed at the base he went straight down to the garage to go over everything, Seb bringing Teddy just to have a peek in the back before giving Mark a kiss goodbye.

Despite the race not starting until three pm Seb knew Mark would have a packed schedule of work with the team and promotional duties all morning. Under the pushchair there were two bags filled with everything they could think of that their son might need, so once they had dropped Mark off, Sebastian sat with his coffee in the hospitality area of the Porsche base, Teddy stood in front of him at the coffee-table, scribbling with his crayons on a large pad of paper. It was still fairly quiet in there as most people were sensibly saving their energy for later and Jess had chosen to get a lie-in rather than join them. Seb couldn't blame her even if it would have been nice to have someone to talk to.

The televisions were playing out coverage of the warm-up runs, but seeing as Mark wasn’t currently in the car Seb only had half an eye on that as he supervised his son who had actually been very good so far.

“What’s that you’re drawing Liebling?” he enquired.

Teddy ignored him, so Seb put his coffee down far enough away on the coffee table where he couldn't knock it and knelt down beside him.

“What’s that Teddy?”

He peered in to look at the bright scribble on the page wondering if his son was actually trying to represent anything or just making marks.

“Papa.”

“Hey Schatz.”

“Buh.”

“Do you want a storybook?”

“Buh,” repeated Teddy, now pointing at his paper.

Sebastian laughed.

“Ah, you’re making a book. Excellent work. Would you like a drink?” Seb mimed taking a sip. “Drink for Teddy?”

“Tehdee.”

Seb nodded, guessing that might mean yes. He sat up on the seat trying to catch the eye of one of the serving staff over at the counter. They were usually pretty good at filling his son’s cup with milk and sorting out snacks for them. Giving the woman who looked over a wave, Sebastian smiled as she came over, trying to remember her name. It always helped to try to make sure the staff were on side when Seb knew he would need any number of favours while they were here. As she reached them it popped back into his head and Seb internally sighed a breath of relief.

“Oh Christine, hi. Favour again sorry, would you mind filling his cup with milk?”

 

Minutes later he was thanking her before passing the cup to Teddy who ignored it until Sebastian made a point of kneeling with him again drinking his own drink, whereupon his son promptly copied him, Seb smiling at how that worked.

“Good boy,” he praised.

As his son smiled back promptly dribbling milk down his chin, Seb hurriedly grabbed a paper napkin to tidy him up. That done, he stroked Teddy’s cheek thinking they would be doing well if he stayed in this good a mood until this was all over. Not just twenty-four hours for the race. In reality Mark was going to be on-call from first thing this morning until tomorrow evening. No way could a little boy stick that out for the duration. Seb wanted to support his husband, but he couldn't be his priority. Their son was. Mark understood that.

  


 

By the time Mark did return to the base to change out of his race kit after the warm-up period he only had time for a short break with his family before he was due off again. It already felt like a long time since they had set out that morning to Sebastian, and Teddy was restlessly toddling around the coffee-table.

“Um, so I think maybe we’ll go back to the motorhome so he can have a proper play,” Seb decided.

“Oh righto.”

“You don’t mind do you Liebling?”

Mark put his coffee down.

“No course not.”

“I just think he could do with some fresh air.”

“Sure. Good idea sweetheart. No point you hanging around here when I’ve got to go do PR stuff.”

“Okay. They do work you hard.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Well it is Le Mans darling.”

“I know, just…”

“You go on back. I’ll get a break after, so if you wanted you could come down to meet me for lunch before one?”

“Will you text me?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.”

 

Sebastian puffed a long breath wondering how he could already feel slightly tired when Mark was the one who was facing exhaustion over the next day and a half.

“Alright?” Mark checked.

“Yep, sure, um, can we have another look over your schedule?”

“Course.” Mark dug it out of his bag. “You know nothing past three pm today is set in stone though?”

“Yeah I know,” Seb agreed distractedly whilst re-reading the printed driver schedule.

While he did that Mark smiled to Teddy, scooping him up onto his knee and talking to him until Seb looked up again.

“Okay?”

“Sure.”

“So theoretically I should be doing six to nine-ish, debrief then rest, then back on call before a stint at three or thereabouts.”

“Oof.”

Mark laughed.

“Quite. So, I’ll try to come back for a kip, but you know how things can turn out, so if I’m pressed for time I’ll just get a cat-nap here at the base.”

“Yeah okay.”

Mark looked at him, hearing his reticence.

“You know I’d rather come back to you darling, but I’ll just have to go with the flow.”

Sebastian nodded.

“I know. I just hope you can at least get a couple of hours sleep.”

“Me too sweetheart,” smiled Mark. “Le Man though.”

“Yeah.”

Mark glanced at the schedule to remind himself too.

“So, assuming I am actually driving up to dawn, once I’m done with the team and all of that then I might be able to pop back for breakfast, maybe get a nap.”

“Well that would be nice.”

“Yeah, for me too, but I’ll just have to see.”

“Right, of course.”

“Then all being well I should have a shorter stint late morning, two, two and a half hours maybe. Assuming the old girl’s still going by then, Timo’s down for the run to the wire.”

Mark gave Seb a smile, trying to get him to smile when he was taking all this so seriously.

“Shall I make you a copy of this?”

“Oh would you Liebling?”

“Really? I was kindof joking.”

“Oh.” Sebastian frowned. “Well I know it’s all subject to change, but it would be nice to have.”

“Right, well there’ll be a photocopier somewhere. I’ll give it you at lunch.”

“Thank you.”

  


 

 

Mark was as good as his word, which Sebastian appreciated when he knew how busy he was, so as his husband handed the sheet of paper over Seb thanked him and folded it up to go in his pocket. Jess had already bagged them a good table in the base as she and Jenson were joining them for lunch. While they waited for their food Mark lifted Teddy out of his buggy the pair of them having something approximating a conversation about what they had been doing that morning.

“So Daddy was in his race-car mate, like he will be later and then he was mostly talking about that,” Mark offered with a wry smile to the grown-ups.

“Tehdee caah.”

“Oh were you playing with your cars too sweetheart?” Mark replied to his son.

“He had them out on the rug on the grass,” Seb explained.

“Very good,” nodded Mark, “were you racing Papa Teddy?”

Sebastian smiled.

“We did have some little races.”

“Of course you did.” Mark looked in at their son. “Did you win kiddo? I used to race Papa too, actually so did Uncle Jenson, though Papa usually won.”

He winked at Seb who laughed and shook his head.

“Not always.”

“No not always,” agreed Mark.

“Sometimes Daddy won,” Seb informed their son.

“True,” Mark smiled.

“Hey I won sometimes,” protested Jenson, though none of them were paying him any attention.

To Jenson’s side his wife patted his arm and smiled.

“Course you did.”

Jenson sighed and shook his head.

“I won a world championship,” he pointed out, though his friends still weren’t listening.

Jessica laughed as her husband puffed a sad breath.

“Sometimes it’s like I’m not even here,” Jenson despaired.

  


It didn’t take long for their food to arrive, Jenson and Mark carb-ing up ahead of the long race. Though the Porsche hospitality area was bustling this close to the race, it felt nice to have a short break away from all the pressure and madness of the build-up to the start. Mark enjoyed getting to spend a bit of time with his son when he knew he would see little of him in the hours to come. As they finished eating Mark looked to his watch, repressing a sigh as he knew they had to get on.

“Will you just stay in here?” he asked Seb.

Sebastian looked in at Teddy on Mark’s lap.

“He’s looking tired Liebling. I think I’ll take him back to have a nap.”

“Righto.”

“That’s alright isn’t it? We should have time for an hour or so and then come back here for the race start.”

“Sweetheart don’t worry about it.”

“No I want to see it,” Seb asserted. “I know you’re not in the car for it, but...”

Mark nodded.

“Course, right well I guess we’d all better get going then.”

Sebastian turned to Jessica.

“Jess do you want to come with us? I could just make us a coffee back at the motorhome.”

“Oh, um…”

“It’s fine if you’ve got other stuff to do.”

Jessica paused.

“You know I think I might just stay here and keep this table.”

“Of course,” concurred Seb, not wanting her to feel obliged to come. “That’s a good idea, thanks.”

He gave her a smile, then lifted Teddy away from Mark to put him in his pushchair. Although it was only a five minute walk back to their motorhome, Sebastian suspected that from the look of things their little boy would be asleep in his buggy before they got there.

  


  


Though Mark received a text from Seb to say that Teddy had woken from his nap in time to get back to the base to rejoin Jess, he didn’t have time to go over to see them this close to the start. Even though he was not taking the first stint, Mark had far too much to do to spare even five minutes at that point. Lining up by the car to stand on attention for the anthem under a hot sun in front of the packed grandstands; Photographs on the grid and smiling for television cameras; last team talks and being asked if he just had a moment for various media. Sadly that left no moments for his family even as he and all extraneous people cleared the grid. As a result Mark only had chance to send a quick reply saying he was glad they were okay and thanking Seb for his best wishes before getting back into it all as the minutes ticked down to three o’clock.

  


Sebastian read the message and sent another back before putting his phone away.

“Everything alright?” asked Jess.

“Yep, all good,” he replied, his friend smiling thinking Seb sounded more like Mark with every passing day.

In the Porsche base they could feel the tension growing. With their two cars starting second and fourth there was a lot to play for and although some guests in here were merely enjoying the occasion, Seb and Jess looked to the screens showing their respective husband's cars lined up on the grid, mechanics and team personnel all around, and felt how much was at stake. Unlike Mark, Jenson _was_ due to be in the car as the flag fell and Seb could see his friend looking more anxious.

“Jess are you sure you don’t want to be in the garage for this?” he checked.

Jessica puffed a breath.

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t feel you have to hang around in here just because of us.”

Jess sighed.

“I told Jenson I’d be in here now.”

Sebastian looked at the activity on the screens. Though it looked somewhat hectic there was still almost quarter of an hour to go.

“I’m sure it’d be alright if you went down.”

“He’s on the grid now though.”

Sebastian nodded, knowing it was actually getting to see her husband in person that mattered.

“Yeah but he’ll need to dash back to go to the loo. You could still catch him.”

Jessica hesitated, but her hand was already on her bag.

“Go,” encouraged Sebastian. “My turn to mind the table.”

Laughing, she quickly stood, giving Seb a quick kiss on the cheek before rushing away without a backwards glance. Sebastian smiled in at his son sat on his knee, now with his toy koala for company.

“Just us again Schatz. You just tell me if you get hungry or thirsty or…” Sebastian observed the way his son was wriggling and sighed. “Or you need a nappy change… Of course you do.”

He puffed a breath thinking that naturally his son had waited until Jess had gone. He didn’t have much choice though, so Seb grabbed up the baby-changing bag leaving everything else strewn about. As he exited the area heading to the bathrooms Seb hoped that toys and bags, cups and a pushchair occupying their spot ought to be enough to deter any bold soul stealing their place.

 

Fortunately he was right and as Seb returned he could sit back where they had been, eyes immediately on the screen to see how close they were to the off now. He sat a more comfortable Teddy back on his knee and pointed to the cars shown on television, glad that he had completed that without missing the start.

“So the race starts in a minute Teddy,” he explained. “Daddy’s not in it to start, but he’ll be in later. We’ll watch his car and Uncle Jenson’s and see how it all goes, yeah?”

“Yeh,” replied Teddy as if completely taking all that in.

Sebastian laughed and gave him a kiss.

“Good boy. Ooh look at the aeroplanes Liebling.”

He smiled as his son stared at the sight of the flyby above the grid; red, white and blue smoke trailing through the clear blue sky. Seb had to admit it was pretty impressive. They put on quite a show here.

  


In the garage Mark had just got a word with Jess, making sure she had a radio headset before returning to stand where he could to watch the start himself. Luckily Jessica had succeeded in grabbing a brief second with her husband to wish him luck as he passed though, but now the eyes of everyone were on just two things; the cars and the clock. As the seconds ebbed closer to three pm Mark felt his heart beginning to race even though all he had to do was stand here. In a way he wished he was in the car. Now the chaos of the whole circus had been cleared from the grid Mark knew he would prefer to focus all this adrenaline on getting a good launch.

Standing here doing nothing was worse than feeling the pressure of not messing up right at the beginning. Now the order had been given to start the engines, all the diagonally lined up cars were revving ready to go, the green flag waved to send them off for their formation lap.

Mark listened in to the engineers giving their instructions, the race director advising the drivers to start getting in the correct positions as they approached the latter stage of the long lap. On the TV screens in the garage Mark could see the bright headlights of the cars glinting in the sun, the clock now appearing in the corner of the screen, almost on three, 24:00 displayed beneath it ready to start ticking down. He held his breath as the Tricolour was shown being brandished at the side of the track as the cars approached and then in a breathless moment they all streaked past. The race had begun.

  


  


Sebastian watched with almost equal intensity back at the base, his son copying him to sit watching the screens as quiet had fallen across the Porsche hospitality area. None of the drivers seemed to want to take too many risks in the first lap though already a few places had changed hands throughout the field. They watched the cars stream past the cameras, early classifications popping up on the screen at the bottom. Sebastian had downloaded an app to his phone in order to help keep track of it all, but for now it sat untouched on the table in front of him.

After a couple of laps it seemed drivers were increasing in confidence, some too much so. As the cars sped up to two hundred and ten miles an hour along the long straight of Mulsanne the LMP1 cars took the corner and continued on their way, but as the shot lingered on a developing battle between two LMP2 cars, it showed one trying to undercut the other at the corner with sadly predictable results.

“ _Uh-ohh!”_

It was not the commentators voice that called out loudest across the Porsche hospitality area, but little Teddy’s as he saw the cars crash into one another, spinning both out onto the run-off area and burying their cars in the gravel.

Sebastian’s hand went to his mouth, hiding a smile at hearing his son say that and it seemed he wasn’t the only one to find that high-pitched little voice so comical as plenty of others smiled in their direction.

Once the two angry drivers had climbed safely out of their cars to remonstrate with each other about whose fault the crash was, Seb felt safe enough to laugh as more than a few others were, not at the accident, but at his son’s apposite commentary. Teddy looked at him now, so he gave him a smile.

“Uh-oh indeed Schatz. Weren’t they silly?”

Teddy laughed, then looked over to the screen.

“Daddy.”

“No Liebling it wasn’t Daddy, it’s okay.”

“Daddy,” repeated Teddy, now pointing to the screen.

Sebastian laughed again as he saw his son was correct; there on the television screen was a close-up of Mark, dressed in his race-suit but minus any headgear, shown discussing either the incident or their own car’s progress with those stood watching in the garage.

“So it is,” he agreed. “Daddy watching.”

“Hi Daddy!”

He squeezed his son gently in at his excitement, Seb hoping Mark might wave as Teddy waved to the screen. The little boy was beginning to pout as he waved to his father with no response, then thankfully Mark spotted the camera on him and waved. Seb felt the happy gasp his son took in as he waved back with even greater enthusiasm, glad that their habit was always to wave to camera at such times for this very reason.

“Daddy! Daddy hi!”

Even more people were turning their heads to look now, many smiling indulgently at the little boy. Sebastian knew that in here nobody would bother them, but he was sure they all knew who they were. As the shot cut away Seb looked to see his son’s face fall.

“It’s okay Liebling. He’s busy isn’t he? Oh look, see the race-cars Teddy.”

He pointed to the screen to show his son the cars zig-zagging prettily en-masse through the esses, well away from the yellow-flagged slow-zone area.

“Caah!”

Sebastian laughed and shook his head. At this rate the occupants of the hospitality area were going to spend more time watching his son than the televisions showing the race.

  


  


Mark had settled in for the long-haul already, following the progress of his own car and the sister Porsche. Out in the pitlane he could see a few cars scooting in for early pitstops due to problems or alternative strategies further back in the field. At only half an hour in some where already taking on fuel, one or two even swapping out drivers who had spent themselves on fighting to move up through the field from the start. In truth Mark really wasn’t all that interested in the lower categories so long as they didn’t impact on the LMP1 race at the front, but they drew the eye as they passed.

So far nothing too dramatic had occurred for them which, though good for Mark’s heart-rate, meant that his car was still stuck in fourth. Long race, he reminded himself. Strategy, technical problems or otherwise, the actions of other cars, and above all _luck,_ would have to play out. As one of the privateer cars strayed onto the gravel and somehow wound up with a puncture, Mark gave a little shake of his head knowing how frustrating that would be both for the driver and his team. Until, and if the car made it back to the pits all they would be able to do was watch, just as Mark was. Watching, hoping, waiting.

  


  


Teddy wasn’t so good at any of that. Having grown tired of looking at cars that didn’t even contain his daddy to hold Teddy’s interest, Seb had begun to run through his supply of things to occupy his son. Toys were played with, pictures scribbled. Sebastian even read his son some stories in his quietest voice, holding the little boy on his knee trying not to disturb others as Seb himself kept one eye on the screens to try to keep up with the action. The kind staff had brought over drinks, chopped fruit and found other suitable snacks for the toddler, but Teddy was getting bored.

As the little boy tottered away from playing at the table to go and explore, Sebastian shot after him, scooping him up as Teddy innocently went to go and say hello to a random lady who smiled at him from another table.

“Sorry.”

“That’s alright,” she smiled. “Isn’t he sweet?”

“Mm, thanks.”

“Ess,” declared Teddy as his father carried him back to their table.

“No Liebling that’s not Auntie Jess. She’ll be back later. Now, umm, what shall we do now?”

  


He was relieved when a text came through from Mark prompting a change of scene.

MARK: Hey sweetheart, I’m up soonish so now would be a good time to pop down if you want to. Don’t worry if it’s not convenient.

Sebastian shifted Teddy to the other side so he could reply.

SEB: No we’ll come down. Shall I buzz your phone when we’re at the back of the garage?

MARK: Yep. See you in a mo x

  


Sebastian had a word with the Porsche hospitality staff who promised to keep an eye on his things and after thanking them he simply hitched Teddy onto his hip and set out across the paddock. The only thing he had taken apart from his son and his phone and his wallet was the set of ear-defenders he popped on Teddy’s head before they stepped outside. Mark’s over-sized cap still fitted on top so the little boy was protected from the still hot afternoon son as they headed for the garage.

It was just on half past five and warm in mid June, so Seb was glad of the shade as he stood waiting just in the rear-entrance of the Porsche garage area. Luckily all the focus was on the front part, so they weren’t in anyone’s way. Unfortunately it also meant that there was no one to tell he was there, so Seb waited, hoping Mark was keeping an eye on his phone which he knew would be on silent in there. He pressed dial again, then cut the call as he saw his husband striding out of the main garage to come and meet them.

“Hey,” smiled Mark.

“Hey Liebling, thank you.”

“Daddy!”

Mark came and gave Seb a kiss, taking Teddy who had instantly put out his arms to be taken.

“Thank you?” smiled Mark. “It was me wanting to see you guys.”

“Oh well, you know.”

“Getting cabin fever already?”

Sebastian smiled and shrugged a shoulder.

“Darling don’t feel that you have to stay in there for me,” Mark assured. “If it’s easier just take him back.”

“No but you’re up next.”

“I know, but still…”

Sebastian sighed, looking at the way Teddy was hanging onto Mark.

“I think… Well Jess will be back once Jenson’s out. Will that be soon?” he enquired.

“The other car should be pitting roughly around when I get in, give or take.”

“Right, well, if you’re in soon then I think maybe we’ll stick around to see that and then the staff have said they can sort him out some dinner.”

“I’m sure they can,” agreed Mark, thinking that whilst fishfingers or beans on toast probably weren’t on the Porsche menu, they ought to be able to rustle up some pasta for a toddler.

“So if we do that, then yeah I will take him back to get ready for bed,” Sebastian informed him.

“Righto.”

“We might get to see your first hour or so.”

Mark nodded.

“That’s more than fine. You just look after Teddy sweetheart, I’ll be busy enough.”

“Yeah. So, um all okay?”

“With the pits we might shake things up a bit.”

“Oh?”

“Just have to see.”

“Sure,” nodded Seb. “Okay well I guess you need to be in there, so good luck.”

“Thank you.”

Mark looked in at their son, shifting the ear-cover for a moment.

“Be good for Papa Teddy.”

“Say good luck to Daddy,” Seb prompted. “Good luck to Daddy.”

“Good,” pronounced Teddy proudly.

Mark huffed a laugh and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you mate. Right, I really do need to get back through there.”

 

Sebastian nodded, then hurriedly pressed in, wrapping his arms around both husband and son. Mark smiled, trying to free one arm from holding Teddy to hug Seb back.

“I’ll be fine sweetheart,” he reassured.

Seb lifted away and nodded.

“Love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart. And you kiddo.”

He gave each of them another kiss, smiling as Teddy clumsily kissed his cheek in return. Then Mark handed the little boy back.

“I’ll see you later then.”

“Yeah.”

“Hopefully that is,” Mark reminded, “don’t fret if I can’t.”

Sebastian nodded, not wanting to add to his husband's concerns.

“That’s fine. Um, if you aren’t coming back, if you do get chance just to text so I know? I mean I might be asleep, but...”

“Of course,” consented Mark. “We’ll just see how we go.”

“Yeah. Okay, right well I’m sure you’ll go brilliantly Liebling.”

“Thank you.”

Mark helped by replacing Teddy’s ear-defender, then stroked his cheek and gave him a nod, then with a last wave he turned away, knowing he shouldn’t be away too long when he was about to get the run-down prior to doing his stint at the wheel. Sebastian stayed stood there for a moment, then smiled at his son who was still staring after his father as he disappeared out of view.

“Daddy?”

Sebastian looked at him and shook his head.

“It’s okay. We’re going to watch him drive now.”

Teddy frowned, so Seb lifted his ear-cover to repeat the message, then replaced it and rapidly strode away, hoping that it would distract his son from getting upset. He jigged him in his arms as he walked, giving Teddy bright smiles to encourage him. The little boy continued to frown, but then as a large group of people passed them he clung tighter on to his father, pressing his face into Seb’s shoulder seeking comfort there instead.

  


Though the occupants of Porsche hospitality seemed to have relaxed into proceedings, Seb only felt his own tension increase as he waited for some indication on screen to show his husband was preparing to get into the car. It felt as though it took forever since they had seen him, but then just shortly after six the commentators stated that his car had been called in to pit and a minute later the cameras cut to show Mark with his helmet already on, stood in the garage entrance as the mechanics waited to leap into action as soon as the car pulled up.

“There’s Daddy Teddy,” he pointed out. “He’ll be getting in the car in a moment.”

Teddy’s blue eyes widened as he looked eagerly to the screen.

“Daddy?”

“Yep, he’s got his helmet on Liebling.”

Teddy was just about to wave when the Porsche shot into place, the team rushing around in their choreographed routine to add fuel, clean the windscreen, and swap tyres within the limits of the WEC restrictions on numbers allowed to work on the car at any one time. One driver out, one driver in and Mark was at the wheel, rapidly looking over his equipment and adjusting to be in the correct position as his belts were tightened for him.

Puffing out a silent breath, Sebastian hoped he was transmitting none of his nerves to his son sat on his lap. As Teddy glanced to him, Seb made sure to smile and nod.

“He’ll get going in a moment.”

Teddy still looked a little confused so Sebastian reached for his model Porsche from amongst the toy cars he had been playing with earlier. He held it to show him.

“See, Daddy in his race-car.”

“Caah?”

“Yes, Daddy in his car.”

Seb hurriedly looked up as the shot cut from inside the car to outside as the team backed out of the way and Mark pulled away. As the cameras showed the car going along the pitlane Teddy looked to the little car in his father’s hand.

“Caah.”

Seb looked.

“Oh, yes. See?”

Teddy took the toy car from him, then looked to the television to see the matching Porsche exiting the pitlane back onto track.

“Daddy caah,” he repeated, seeming to relax as matters became clearer to him.

Sebastian nodded, glad that Teddy had a better grasp on things, literally so as he hung onto the toy car whilst watching his father drive the real thing. Keeping a confident smile on his face, Seb gave little sign that his emotions were headed the opposite way to his son’s. Teddy was happy to understand his daddy was driving his car. Seb now had at least three hours of keeping calm, not thinking about anything going wrong, no technical issues, no complications, _no_ accidents. Deep breath, smile, hug Teddy just a fraction tighter. Everything would be fine.

  


As the coverage switched to cover a battle between several GT cars, Sebastian untensed, looking at his watch, then his son.

“Dinner-time I think Schatz. That should keep us busy shouldn’t it?”

  


Seb was so busy helping his son eat, trying to eat some food himself, and keep an eye on the racing at the same time, that he didn’t even notice Jessica approaching their table until she was right by them.

“Hello.”

“Oh hey Jess, sorry.”

Jessica sat with them, smiling in at her godson.

“Are you having nom-noms Teddy?”

The little boy smiled at her, showing off a mouthful of half-chewed food.

“Lovely,” she smiled back.

“Teddy, no, eat it nicely,” chided Sebastian.

“Do you want me to take him so you can eat yours?” she offered.

Seb looked at his friend’s nice clothes and the tomatoey pasta.

“Um, it’s alright thanks.”

Better he let his meal go cold, Seb decided, hitching up the cloth he had brought to go alongside his son’s bib as Teddy insisted on trying to feed himself with predictable results.

“Jenson alright?”

“Yeah good,” Jess confirmed. “Doing his debrief, so he’ll be some time. I thought I was best off out of the way.”

Sebastian nodded. He missed being in the garage, but there were times when as a mere supporter you felt underfoot.

Jessica looked up to the TV screens to check the running.

“Mark’s picked up third,” she noted.

“From the pitstop.”

“Still though.”

“Yeah.” Seb looked distractedly at the screen, hoping they would show Mark and conversely hoping that they wouldn't in case that meant something bad. “Jense did well to hold second from the Toyota earlier.”

Jess smiled as he looked to her.

“Yes. I think he’s quite pleased about that.”

 

Seb huffed a laugh, then looked to see which cars were being shown on screen now. Moments later he felt something drop onto his leg and looked down to see a large splodge of pasta sauce adorning his jeans, his son having contrived to miss his mouth, the bib, the cloth and indeed himself, to deposit a large forkful of pasta partly on his father and mostly on the floor. He shook his head and attempted to take the fork so he could feed Teddy, only for the toddler to shriek and yank the fork away.

“No?” he sighed. “Guess not.”

Jessica’s eyebrows were raised at the sudden noise and Seb smiled at how used to it he was.

“He’s very stubborn.”

“Ah.”

“Aren’t you? Hm?” Seb held the bowl of pasta up for Teddy to try again. “Go on then.”

  


In the end Seb didn’t eat as much dinner as Teddy did. Once his son had finished and he had cleaned him up, he let Jess take him, but Seb found he didn’t have much appetite. Jessica was waiting for her husband to come over for his break, so Seb abandoned his food and concentrated on the racing as his brain clearly wanted to. For a while Teddy sat on his godmother’s knee well enough, but as it got past seven he started to whine and fuss. Seb took him back and looked at him.

“You’re tired.”

“No,” pouted Teddy.

“Yes you are.”

Sebastian looked to Jess.

“He really has been in here a long time.”

“Of course,” she allowed.

“Papa!” griped Teddy, shifting about restlessly on his knee.

“Do you think Jenson will be long?” Sebastian enquired.

“Oh don’t worry about that,” assured Jess.

“Mm.”

Sebastian looked to Teddy, trying to get a better hold of him. It was no good though.

“Yeah, sorry I think I need to take him back now.”

Jessica nodded, pulling the buggy around to try to help Seb put Teddy in only for the toddler to squirm and fuss even louder. Sebastian puffed a frustrated breath, then stood with him about to tell his son off when Teddy’s bottom lip quivered.

“Papa _no_.”

“No?”

“No.”

Teddy clung around his neck and Seb gave in, guessing that was what he needed.

“Alright,” he conceded, hitching him up as he tried to locate all their things.

Jess helped out, fitting things into bags and then fitting the bags into the pushchair’s basket underneath.

“If you just hang that one over the handles?” requested Sebastian.

“Oh okay.”

“Thanks. Right.” Seb looked about them. “I think that’s everything, but if you spot anything that looks like it could be ours would you hang onto it?”

“Course.” Jess looked at Seb as he tried holding Teddy into one side so he could push the buggy one handed. “Do you want me to come back with you?”

“Oh no Jess it’s fine.”

“Really?”

“Yeah I’ll manage.”

“Um, okay.”

Sebastian took a deep breath, preparing to go.

“Right, Teddy are you going to say bye to Auntie Jess?”

Jessica tried looking in at the little boy.

“Night night Teddy.”

 

It seemed he wasn’t in the mood, so Jess took the pushchair over to the exit, helping Seb get it outside at least before saying goodbye again.

“Thanks. I guess it’ll be tomorrow when I see you,” Seb noted.

“Yes, well, good luck.”

“Yeah, you too, I hope it all goes okay for Jenson.”

Jess huffed a laugh.

“I meant you with Teddy sweetie, but yes, good luck to Mark too.”

“Oh, ha, yes.”

She gave him a kiss on the cheek, then snuck one in for Teddy too. Seb smiled as his son lifted his head to look.

“Bye to Auntie Jessy,” he prompted.

“Ess.”

“That’s right.” Seb looked to his friend. “That’s his attempt at Jess.”

“Of course it is. Thank you Teddy. Bye for now.”

“Bye.”

Sebastian looked out, thinking about the noise-level and they paused as Jess helped him find his son’s headphones, putting them on Teddy for him before they departed. That done, she waved them off from the threshold of the Porsche base, watching as Sebastian somehow contrived to carry a grumpy toddler and manoeuvre a jam-packed buggy down the paddock in the direction of their motorhome. Her evening was going to be far easier by comparison. All she had to do was watch TV, drink coffee and wait.

  


  


At the wheel of his car Mark had far more to deal with. It wasn’t close to going dark yet, but the sun was lower now. At certain corners of the track it shone directly into hisfront windscreen and Mark had to do all he could to control the car when he was momentarily almost blinded by the sudden shaft of sunlight. Where the woodlands edged the circuit, shadows fell, darkening as time went on and drivers were faced with the alternate challenge of adjusting to less light.

It caught more than one competitor out and the slow attrition of cars was mounting as mistakes were made causing skirmishes with barriers, gravel traps and other cars, though thankfully so far nothing serious. This year’s good weather meant that the hazard of rain had so far been averted, but the heat meant that several cars had succumbed to engine problems of one kind or another. Shortly after eight pm Mark was informed that one of the Audis was parked up in their garage being worked on for something, but he didn’t waste his energy jubilating over a competitors misfortune, particularly when it would only feel like bad karma.

The dappled shade along the long straight of Mulsanne might have been a factor as one of the LMP2 cars misjudged an overtake, nerfing into the side of one of the Aston Martins that Mark himself had just past. As he rounded the Michelin chicane Mark was going slow enough to catch sight of both cars spinning into the barriers, detached parts of the cars flying up around them. He really only had time to be glad that he was out of the danger area and hope no one was hurt before continuing on. When he passed through the slow-zone a lap later Mark was able to see what a mess they had made of the cars, but the doors were open so he assumed the occupants were safely out and on their way back already. Bearing in mind they could have been approaching two hundred miles an hour there Mark knew they should be grateful that they were in such well-built machines. It wasn’t a thought he wanted to linger on though.

Orange-clad marshals were still brushing up the debris when he lapped a second time, a job that Mark respected, but had no desire to do. They looked just a little too close to the action as they waved to passing cars to tell them to keep well over to avoid secondary damage.

  


They had barely moved on to full racing again when another car edged too far over on thoroughly dried out grass on a verge beyond the white line, sending up plumes of dust that landed on Mark’s windscreen as he passed. He cursed the careless driver as he tried to clear it with his windscreen wipers, mostly resulting in dirty smears which Mark cursed himself for creating when he would have been better off leaving well alone. They were largely at the edges at least so he thought he could cope with it, but it was one of the few times Mark wished they actually did have rain to wash it away. He reported it back, but assured the team it could wait until the next pit for them to clean.

Having told them that all was well, Mark was informed that seeing as the tyres were performing slightly better than expected at this stage they wanted him to try to go a little longer on his stint.

“Copy that,” he replied, already knowing that there was no point asking too many questions when the team wouldn't want to give away too much to the competition.

  


By quarter past nine the light really was beginning to fade from the blue in the sky, the shadows lengthening where they stretched across the asphalt. Soon they would be getting into the dusk period that whilst beautiful as a spectacle to watch on television, was even trickier to drive, the light far less than it appeared via the TV cameras. Mark had managed to close up more on Jenson who was now in third while he sat back in fourth, but the order had come through to hold station and he wasn’t about to argue. Only a quarter way through the race was still far too soon to take such a risk against a sister car.

He was just starting to feel as though he was merely holding station until his time ran out when Mark got a call to watch out for a slowing Toyota ahead. Mark did just that, watching as the other Porsche passed them just before Indianapolis. As he got closer Mark could see that the Toyota had a right rear puncture which the driver was desperately trying to limp back with. They weren’t too far from the pits ahead, but you couldn't miss the way the destroyed flat tyre was flailing, beginning to tear into the bodywork around it.

“Slow _down_ ,” hissed Mark under his breath.

He knew how anxious the driver must be to get to the pits, especially when he noted the number of the car telling him it was the pole-sitter who must have been thinking how swimmingly things had been going until now. His plan was to get by along the near straight before the Porsche Curves, Mark going as wide as he could to play it safe, even if it did mean seeing the other Porsche sailing away into the distance. He was level with the car, already preparing to pull away in order to make up that gap to the second car, when the Toyota to his inside juddered oddly. Mark yanked his steering wheel to go even wider and was just putting his foot down to take third place when he felt something hit towards the rear.

 

It wasn’t a heavy hit, certainly not car on car, but in his rear-mirror Mark just caught sight of a flash of red, what had to be a piece of bodywork flying off the damaged Toyota.

“Fuck!”

Mark hit the radio button,

“Pretty sure something just struck the rear. I can’t see any damage though.”

“We’re looking,” came the urgent reply.

He waited a beat as he rounded the curves, his speed still down as he exited them.

“Something feels off,” he reported, trying to sound calm.

“You’re losing pressure in the right rear, pit pit, pit pit!” the engineer instructed.

At the same time the red light flashed on his steering wheel telling Mark the same thing.

“Damn. Yes, pit confirm.”

Mark took a calming breath, telling himself to take his own advice and not over-stress the car now he had a puncture. Thank god he was so close to the pit-entry and they had spotted he problem immediately, not seconds later when he would have passed it and would have had to try to complete the lengthy lap with potentially disastrous consequences. Seconds later he was pulling in, stopping outside the Porsche garage where mechanics leapt out to look. He sat in place in the pit-box, trying to see what they were doing. Was it just a puncture requiring a tyre change? In front of him another team member was cleaning his windscreen and it occurred to Mark that that minor inconvenience had been forgotten by comparison.

 

As it was twenty minutes over his originally planned stint, Mark guessed he might be swapped out, but then the radio came through with a more depressing message.

“Damage to bodywork, we’re pulling her into the garage.”

Sighing to himself, Mark sat there as the car was put onto the dolly and wheeled in. He had been so careful. How the hell had he managed to damage the car only travelling such a short way with a puncture? Mark didn’t think the tyre would even have had time to delaminate in that time. Not unless it really had been ripped to shreds by the debris flicked into it. Mechanics were all over the rear and Mark got onto the radio.

“Is it that bad?”

“They’re checking.”

“I wasn’t going that fast.”

“It came from the Toyota.”

“Yeah I saw.”

Mark tried to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. It wasn’t the engineer’s fault. As he looked back at the mechanics he saw shaken heads behind him and knew what he was about to be told before the radio came back through.

“No sorry Mark that’s a repair job, you can get out.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Mark clambered out of the car, immediately going to look at the damage. At the very rear of the car on the right side by the tyre there was tearing to the bodywork itself by the tyre-surround. Helmet off, Mark peered closer.

“Looks like someone’s taken a tin-opener to it,” he judged.

“Mm.”

“The tyre did that?”

One of the mechanics looked away from their work for a second.

“No that was the debris. Your tyre was still intact.”

“Oh.” Mark looked again. “Debris from the Toyota?”

“Must be.”

“Okay. Right…”

 

He nodded and backed out of the way, puffing out a long breath as he pulled off his cowl and ear-pieces, setting his helmet to one side. After that he spoke with the engineers and Andreas to confirm what had happened and give his feedback. Timo was stood with them, all ready for his turn at the wheel that looked set for a delay.

“Is it bad?”

Everyone was looking over at the parked up car again, then going over for a rapid discussion.

“Rear bodywork needs replacing, we need to check for any other issues underneath as well, just in case.”

Mark took in a deep breath and looked to his team-mate. That wasn’t a five minute job. He shook his head.

“For about half a second there I had third place,” he lamented.

Timo nodded and patted his arm. Nothing to be done but wait and hope there was no hidden damage that would cause even more delays as it was repaired. Mark waited a while watching proceedings and telling his team what he could, then before he was called over for the full debrief, he decided to snatch the opportunity the pause gave him.

“Do you mind if I nip to the loo?”

Getting the okay, Mark managed to filch up his phone en route and as he walked to the toilet which he really did need after that long at the wheel, he rapidly texted both his parents and husband.

MARK: All fine, hopefully fairly minor repair job.

His father got a reply in first.

DAD: Made yr mum jump but no worries, sure they’ll fix it up.

MARK: Sure they will did. Tell Mum I’m totally fine. No biggie.  


  


Sebastian took slightly longer to reply as he was trying to think what was the right thing to say. His heart had been in his mouth as he had listened in on the radio, sat once again on the bed in their room of the motorhome. Initially Seb had been pleased to hear that Mark was looking to make a pass into third place, but then the commentator paused.

“Hmm, something happened there. Couldn't quite make out what but the Toyota was definitely shedding damaged bodywork and some might have gone the way of the number two Porsche. Gonna need a replay to see for sure, but Mark Vettel-Webber’s at the helm and it looks like he’s going slowly. Could be trouble for Porsche here as well as Toyota.”

He had sagged at hearing Mark was in difficulty, already worrying what they meant about the Toyota’s bodywork. Then Seb tensed even more at hearing what they said next.

“Ooh and on the replay you can really see it from the different angle from the other camera and a whole chunk of the Toyota’s tyre surround caught the edge of the Porsche’s rear. A glancing blow perhaps but it’s definitely done damage cos they’re coming into the pits. As for the Toyota it looks like they’re going to do well to limp down the pitlane, they really are crawling round now and… Ah, yep, that’s not good, they’ve just pulled up a heart-breaking hundred yards or so from the pitlane entry. What a _disaster_ for the pole-sitter. Who knows if they’re going to be able to recover from this?”

 

Sitting back on the bed, Sebastian shook his head not feeling a lot of sympathy for the Toyota. A whole chunk of car sent towards Mark’s car? That could have been lethal. What if it had hit the windscreen or the window by where his husband sat? He scowled, thinking that the race director ought to be penalising the team for allowing a car to continue in a dangerous condition. At least if Mark was in the pits it had to mean he was okay. If the car was damaged that wasn’t good, but in they end it was the contents of the car that Seb really cared about.

  


  


When he received Mark’s text message some while later, Seb could immediately tell that his husband was intending to reassure him. Seb guessed that from the delay in sending the text Mark had been busy, but that was obviously far better than some rushed phone-call. The radio hadn’t been able to report much more about what had happened beyond that the Porsche was being worked on in the garage, rear bodywork taken off and the mechanics hard at work repairing the car. Pondering what to say, Seb realised he had better be quick about it or his husband might not have chance to either read it or reply.

SEB: Very glad you’re ok Liebling. That could have been so dangerous. Is the damage to the car bad?

  


Multi-tasking, Mark texted as he walked to the bathroom, pausing to press send.

MARK: Thanks. I hope it didn’t give you a scare. Didn’t really feel it in the car so much, but it’s torn a hole in the back. God knows how really, but guessing it ricocheted off the track. Lucky we were close to the pits.

SEB: Can they fix it?

MARK: Bodywork is getting replaced, they’re more concerned with the hydraulic lines underneath where they reckon a piece of metal bounced and hit again. Sure they can fix it, but no ETA.

Sebastian sighed reading that, knowing how frustrating that must be.

SEB: Sorry Liebling. Really hope they can sort it out.

MARK: Me too sweetheart. Gonna stick around a while and see.

SEB: OK. You know I really think the Toyota ought to have a penalty for not pulling over.

It might not be an amusing subject, but Mark smiled at how adamant his husband was on his behalf.

MARK: Think they have their own penalty darling. Word is that car’s going nowhere. We’ll be back, just gonna have to battle a bit harder.

SEB: I know you will. Love you.

Mark was back in the garage by now, stopping just outside the entrance to the front part.

MARK: Love you too. Hope Teddy is asleep.

SEB: He’s fine. Guess I’ll see you when I see you.

MARK: Can’t make promises sweetheart. I need to see this through. Get some rest xox

  


Sebastian really wanted to reply that Mark was the one who ought to be getting some rest, but that would neither help, nor change Mark’s mind about what he should be doing. No doubt his husband would be unable to relax enough to sleep if he was worrying about the fate of their car in these circumstances anyway.

With nothing much more to say, Seb went to check on his son, then cleaned his teeth and put on pyjamas before climbing into bed. He lay on his side, still listening to the radio, half paying attention to the racing being described, half waiting for an update on Mark’s car. It might be a long wait by the sounds of it.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here’s a thing that might sound (not for the first time, and doubtless not the last either) slightly unbelievable, but I missed Le Mans last year (that’s not the unbelievable thing, I was at my cousin’s wedding in the Lake District), so I didn’t really know anything that went on other than the winner. Prepping this I watched the start to get into the vibe, then wrote away deciding that as my brain can’t handle the notion of the big hitters not running, I’d stick with what I know (ie; Audi, Toyota, Porsche, as in the past few years) seeing as it’s my AU and therefore my ‘reality’.
> 
> The bit that may seem unbelievable is that splitting this chapter because it was running long (also not unbelievable, but standard by now), I took some time to dig out the race on Youtube. Now we get to the weird bit: The Toyota at the end here shredding its own car because it pushes too hard to get to the pits. Oh and stopping just outside the pitlane. Hand on heart I had no idea that really happened in 2017. Honestly. So it was very strange to watch something remarkably similar actually happened. But hey, I’d written this by now and I’m too stubborn/lazy to change it. So here it stands. Anyway, I’m excusing it with the fact cars do this all the time in F1 and WEC, all of us yelling ‘Slow down!’ and they never seem to learn!


	268. Over 24 Hours - Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, this wasn't supposed to go on so long, but then that's nothing new I guess. So as this chapter spun on (and I think I'd forgotten what work races are to write), I've split it up. It's late on Sunday night here so maybe everyone will sensibly be in bed, but here you go anyway. Last part of this bit to follow soon...

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Mark snuck back in to the motor-home it was getting on for midnight. He felt pretty exhausted but he still paused by the travel cot to check on his son, Mark smiling to see Teddy lying fast asleep, before tiptoeing into their bedroom. He almost laughed at finding the radio playing on low near Seb’s ear while his husband was just as fast asleep as their son. Not that he blamed him. Mark was so tired that all he did was to set his alarms, check his phone ringtone was turned up on full, and peel his clothes off down to his underwear before crawling in beside Seb. He couldn't quite resist giving his husband a kiss on the cheek before settling down though.

“Mark?” checked Sebastian blearily.

“Yep. Hey sweetheart.”

Sebastian turned to face him.

“Oh god I fell asleep. I’m so sorry Liebling.”

“It’s okay.”

“How’s the car? Have the fixed it?”

Mark nodded.

“Yep. Patched up and out again. Heck of a long haul back up though.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian sighed heavily. “I was listening I just...”

“It’s fine. You should sleep.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. You’ve not missed anything that exciting. I eventually realised I wasn’t really doing any good watching either, so I got a shower, a massage, and here I am.”

“Good,” agreed Seb. “How long have you got?”

Mark puffed a breath. “Bit less than two hours. I’ll need to go back to be on call.”

“That’s not very long.”

Mark smiled, thinking it could be worse.

“It’s nice to come back to a lovely warm bed.”

“Mm.”

“And a lovely warm husband,” smiled Mark, slinking his arms around him to pull Seb close. “Before you ask, I checked and our son is fast asleep, which I’d rather like to be myself before I’m due back at the wheel again.”

“Okay. Shall I switch the radio off?”

“Nah it’s restful.”

 

Sebastian gave him a kiss and settled in against him.

“I’m very glad the car’s back out Liebling, and you did really well. I love you.”

Mark huffed a tiny laugh. That was all he needed, to come back to that. Far better the very real comfort of feeling loved than the endless fretting over what might possibly happen with his car.

“Thanks. I love you too sweetheart, now let’s get a bit of kip before our lord and master wakes us up.”

He closed his eyes, very glad that this deluxe motorhome came with excellent double-glazing to block out the sound of cars running in the distance. The radio was oddly less disturbing, fading into white noise as he lay there. Opening his eyes again, Mark turned to make certain his phone was there just in case, then settled back into position to see Seb looking at him.

“Sorry. Sleeping now I promise.”

Sebastian fitted one arm around him and rested by Mark’s shoulder, more than glad to have him there, even if only for a brief amount of time.

 

What felt like approximately thirty seconds later, Mark’s alarm went off, followed by a second alarm just in case his tired brain considered weakening and not jumping up immediately. He sat, hurriedly switching them off before turning to see Seb sitting up beside.

“No sweetheart, go back to sleep.”

“S’okay.”

Mark gave him a fond smile, kissing him on the cheek.

“Bless your heart. I’m just nipping to the bathroom and then I’ll be off.”

“Coffee? I’ve got the take-out cups.”

Seeing Seb wanted to do something, Mark nodded as he climbed out of bed, pulling on his dressing-gown.

“Better make it strong.”

“’kay.”

 

By the time Mark came out ready to go a few short minutes later, Sebastian was pouring good fresh-brewed coffee into a cardboard cup, putting the lid on ready to hand it over.

“Thank you sweetheart.”

As Mark took the cup he fitted in a quick glance to see Teddy was still asleep. There was a part of him, a large part right this moment, that was jealous of his son looking so entirely at rest. You only had Le Mans once a year though and he had to make the most of it.

Seb was checking his phone app to see what was going on.

“You’re up to fifteenth,” he announced.

Mark leaned in to look.

“Huh, okay that’s not bad actually given how much time we lost.”

“And…”

They both paused to look as Seb scrolled through the running order.

“Oh wow.” Mark smiled, trying to keep his voice down for Teddy. “The others are in first.”

Sebastian nodded, thinking how pleased Jenson and indeed Jess would be, then scrolled past the list to the notes above about what had been going on.

“Look,” he pointed out. “Both Toyotas out now.”

“Out?”

“That’s what it says here. Official app.”

“Right. Blimey, okay I’ve really got to go.”

 

Sebastian smiled at how much more wide-awake Mark suddenly sounded. He helped him pull on his jacket, then stood with him, eyes level as Seb stayed in the doorway as Mark stood on the step down.

“Good luck Liebling.”

“Thanks. Make sure you go back to bed though darling. It could be two hours before I’m in the car.”

“Text me.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Please Liebling.”

“Alright, but if you sleep through it I promise I won’t be offended.”

“But you’ll text?”

“I’ll text.”

Mark gave him a kiss, smiling at the sight of Seb stood giving his farewell in his pyjamas.

“Love you.”

“Love you too Liebling.”

 

With a little nod Mark stepped away, out into the cold dark night. The grass was wet beneath his feet and he could hear the cars running out on the track, the noise and lights of the fairground still running in the distance clearer at this ungodly hour. Once he got back to the garage he could find out the full story of what he had missed, then get fully prepared to do what he could to propel his own car back up towards the front. Two Toyotas knocked out now. What had gone on there?

Reaching the edge of the open grassy area in front of their motorhome, Mark turned to look back, unsurprised to see Seb still stood in the doorway watching him go. He wanted to call over that Seb should go inside, but Mark simply smiled and waved. That light and that smile and that warm cosy bed with his warm loving husband in it was a very tempting prospect indeed, especially in the dead of night, but Mark turned away, picking up his pace to get back to the Porsche garage to get right back into it all.

 

Sebastian waited until Mark was out of sight. He was about to turn inside and close the door when he glanced upwards to see how clear the night was. No wonder it was cold. But then it also meant that amongst all those pinpoint sparkling stars in the sky there was a bright moon reflecting light down. Perhaps that would be a help to the drivers out on track driving through the night, his husband especially.

With a deep breath Seb shut out the night, locking the door and glancing over to be sure they hadn’t woken their son before returning to the bedroom. The radio was still playing quietly, so Seb listened for a while to get a clearer picture of what was going on before he succumbed to the warmth of the duvet and the comfort of the pillow under his head. Tiredness took him, all the guilt he felt that Mark could not have this too disappearing along with his last conscious thought.

 

On his own with pretty much no one else around, it didn’t take Mark more than a few minutes before he was rapidly walking back through the paddock. As he traipsed through the dark alone, Mark couldn't help missing Seb hanging onto his arm walking with him as he had in years past, wishing he could look over and see his face at the back of the garage, that little wave which almost felt ridiculous in front of others, but gave him the warmest feeling.

It wasn’t to be though, steeled Mark. You couldn't drag poor Teddy out of bed in the middle of the night just to walk him over. A little boy couldn't hang around in the garage during a race, nor spend hours in the base this late. Nope, Mark was glad their son was safely asleep in their cosy motorhome and Seb there to look after him. Job in hand, fully focussed. Nothing else was really viable anyway given he needed to get fully up to speed with everything as soon as he was back in the garage.

Even greater focus was going to be required when he actually got into the car seeing as it would be pitch dark out there when he took his graveyard shift. Not that he knew precisely when that would start given the troubles they had suffered. It was now quarter to two in the morning, theoretically an hour to an hour and half off his planned stint, but that could be delayed now, or even pulled forwards, though that was less likely.

 

Sebastian had been unable to stop himself falling asleep when he didn’t have the incentive of following his husband’s progress. When the phone by his head beeped with a message it took a moment for it to filter into his brain, then Seb jerked awake to check it.

MARK: Hey sweetheart, shd be 5mins to lift-off. No worries if yr asleep x

Managing to text back was less than easy when he was still not entirely with it, but Seb sent something.

SEB: Awke just. Good luckk Lieblng xox

 

Mark huffed a little laugh before he put his phone away ready to go. Seb didn’t seem terribly awake, but he was trying bless him. That done Mark put those thoughts away as resolutely as he had his phone. A lot was riding on this next run and it was going to take everything he had to do all that was required of him here: Push to make up places, but not so hard as to over-stress the engine, or burn fuel too fast, or wear out the tyres. There was a delta to aim for, so that meant finding your feet then doing a steady push, not going hell for leather, even if that was possible in the middle of the night.

As he set off round the circuit for the first time Mark didn’t have time to be tired. Nothing sharpened the mind like approaching two hundred miles an hour down the Mulsanne straight in the darkest hours of the night with the white lines whizzing at the edges of your vision when a car ahead suddenly blinked into view, rear lights getting closer with every second. You had to listen to the information on the radio advising who they were or at least what type, looking for the blue flashing lights at the side of the track that told you as well as them that they were cars to lap or a genuine overtake for position. You had to judge your speed as well as theirs, all the while getting closer at an alarming rate.

Then he actually had to make the pass, which usually wasn’t too hard assuming it was a lower category car, but you always had to have your wits about you in case they did something unexpected, or occasionally something particularly stupid like cut across your path.

 

Fortunately nobody did do anything stupid. Or at least no one so far. You could never relax though. Having been burnt already once so far, Mark was wary of cars potentially having mechanical problems, even losing control through no fault of their own and bringing trouble his way.

So there was that. Then of course there was always the possibility that they could have a problem of their own. Mark knew that repairs had been made to some of the hydraulic lines underneath the car and though of course the team would never have sent the car out if they thought there was anything to worry about, that didn’t mean _he_ didn’t worry. Not all-consuming worry, but just there at the back of his mind, creeping in during quiet moments when Mark couldn't stop himself listening more anxiously to every tiny noise emitted by the car, just in case.

It only added to the strain as Mark tried to push such thoughts out of his mind to concentrate on the job. As time went on it was hard to stop the laps blurring into one and Mark found himself speaking more on the radio to his engineer, if only to break the monotony. It was also reassuring to hear that he was doing the lap-times that they wanted, to get the feedback that he was consuming fuel at a rate that met with approval, that the tyres were holding up. Mark also relied on updates to tell him where he was sitting in the rankings and how many laps they were off the front as it was hard to keep track of with everything else occupying his mind.

He just had to keep going, keep concentrating, keep to the delta, keep making the overtakes, keep it together. _Keep it on the black stuff,_ Mark thought to himself, smiling ironically as he rounded out Arnage corner having to take extra care that he actually did so.

 

 

Seb drifted in and out listening to the radio, phone in hand so he could check the app to catch himself back up and just in case there should be a call or text from Mark. He tried not to allow himself to imagine a call coming for any other reason. When he woke from a brief spell of sleep, Seb jolted back into consciousness, wondering how he had dozed off and worrying that he might have missed something important. His heart only slowed after checking his phone to be sure that he definitely hadn’t somehow missed a message or worse a missed call.

Of course there wasn’t, as despite his rolling tiredness there was no way he would have slept through the noise his phone made when turned up full. So once Seb had established that there was nothing serious to panic about, he paid more attention to the radio, checking the Le Mans app at the same time to see how things were standing.

Each time Sebastian found that Mark was still at the wheel, still making progress back up the field, though far behind where they would have been had they not had to be in the garage for so long earlier. Steady progress was okay though. It was sufficient to give him confidence that Mark was okay and nothing was wrong. In an ideal world Seb would be seeing that his husband was leading the race, laps ahead and sailing away safely into the distance, but in reality Sebastian was content to be certain that Mark was safely driving on.

Having established that Sebastian could relax, lie back and just listen to the radio, letting the commentary seep into his brain as he closed his eyes, slowly slipping away back into sleep again until a raised voice on the radio nudged into his consciousness, or Seb jumped awake for no apparent reason at all and the cycle to repeated once again.

 

 

It was hardly conducive to a good night’s rest, so when Sebastian was woken by his son calling for him a little before seven am, he felt groggy, almost falling out of bed as he tried to check his phone and get up at the same time. Even as he walked towards the cot Seb was scrolling the app to see with slight disappointment that Mark was out of the car now. As he lifted his son up to cuddle him, Seb put his phone down on the dining table, simultaneously trying to give Teddy his attention whilst wondering how he could have missed the end of Mark’s stint. How long had he slept? No calls or messages, so Mark had to be fine he guessed. Seb just had time to see that the number two Porsche was now in eighth place, so that wasn’t bad at all.

“Papa,” appealed Teddy, plucking at his father’s pyjama t-shirt to get his attention.

“Yes Schatz, sorry,” Seb apologised, knowing he ought to leave off worrying and properly look after his son. “Let’s check your nappy then I’ll warm up some milk for you.”

 

Initial priorities dealt with, Sebastian hitched the little boy onto his hip while his milk warmed. He could text Mark in a bit, see if he answered. He might only have just got out of the car for all Seb knew and he was bound to be busy. Seb poured the milk into his son’s cup with one hand and put the lid on before taking Teddy to sit on his knee at the table.

“There we go Liebling,” he smiled as he handed it to him. “Now then, your daddy’s fine. He’s been up all night driving, but he’s done for now. I’m not sure if he’ll be able to come back to say hello. I hope he can so he can have a nap, but we’ll just have to see.”

Teddy looked up at him and Seb wondered how much he was taking in.

“So I’m not sure if it’s going to be just us, but I think we’ll take our time and have breakfast in a bit, then if we’ve not heard from him we’ll go down and see.”

“ee?”

Seb huffed a laugh at his hopeful tone.

“Maybe, but Daddy’s very very busy, so I’m not sure when we’ll see him. It might have to be later Kleiner. We’ll be alright though won’t we? Yes.”

“Yes,” echoed Teddy.

Sebastian laughed again at that, then kissed the top of his son’s head.

“Yes we will. Okay, now drink your milk then, there’s a good boy.”

 

Teddy certainly understood that because he promptly lifted the spout of his cup back to his mouth to continue drinking his milk. His father gave him an approving nod, then picked up his phone to text Mark.

SEB: Morning Liebling. All ok? Hope so. Love you xox

He left it at that, not wanting to suggest Mark ought to come back or feel he needed to make excuses in case things were too hectic for him to get a proper break.

 

 

Graveyard shift completed and having given all his feedback to the team, Mark trudged back to the motorhome feeling appropriately half dead on his feet. He arrived back a little before half seven, his brain so confuddled by both tiredness and that strange wiredness that lingered after being high on adrenaline for so long, that Mark struggled to get his key in the lock despite the fact it was daylight now. He was confused for a moment at feeling it move of its own volition, then stood back as he realised Seb was letting him in.

“Hello Liebling,” smiled Seb.

Mark gave him a rather wan smile in return as he stepped inside.

“Hey sweetheart.”

“Oh Mark you do look tired,” worried Seb, thinking his husband looked almost grey with exhaustion.

“Hmm yeah.”

He heard an excited little squeal, then looked to see their son pattering over, arms out to wrap around his leg.

“Daddy!”

Mark laughed.

“Hello pint-sized.”

“Up Daddy!”

Those little arms were now reaching up hopefully, but it was Seb that lifted Teddy.

“Daddy’s very tired Schatz.”

Teddy was still reaching for him, even harder to resist now that they were nearly level. So as his son pouted, Mark gave in and took him for a hug. It did feel good to hold him and have those chubby arms clutching round.

“Yes sweetheart, it’s okay,” he reassured.

“How did it go?” enquired Seb.

“Fine. Dull laps mostly, just trying to keep it on the black stuff, which is kinda tricky when pretty much everything is inky blackness in the middle of the night.”

“Mm.”

“Got easier as dawn came up.”

“Was it pretty?”

Mark laughed tiredly. If he’d had the time to look at it the lightening sky phasing through purples and pinks as the sun came up, it could have been called beautiful, but his eyes had stayed on the road.

“I guess so darling. I wasn’t really giving it much attention.”

“Sorry.”

“No it’s okay. We’re making progress.”

“It sounded like you did really well.”

Mark smiled, knowing he was never going to receive an impartial judgement from his husband. Not that he minded. Who could object to having your family’s unwavering support?

 

“Do you want breakfast?” asked Seb.

“I just wanted to see you to be honest darling.”

“We’d have come down to meet you if you wanted.”

Mark shook his head, presuming they couldn’t have been up long seeing as they were both still in their pyjamas.

“It was dawn sweetheart. I wasn’t going to ask you to drag Teddy out of bed. Anyway it’s fine. I can have a nap at least.”

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“I just need a lie down.”

 

Mark checked his watch feeling as though if he closed his eyes he would simply fall asleep where he stood and keel over like a felled tree. Even then Mark wasn’t sure that hitting the floor would wake him up.

“What time do you need to be back?” asked Seb.

“Um,” Mark mistakenly closed his eyes as he tried to recall, genuinely almost falling asleep in an instant. He shook his head to wake it. “Yeah, um ten, no half-nine really.” He rubbed at his face, “so if I’m up for nine? Could you set your alarm too?”

“Of course Liebling.”

Sebastian took Teddy from him, ignoring his protests as he deposited the little boy into his travel cot, handing him his toy penguin to occupy him.

“Just be good Schatz. I need to look after Daddy a minute.”

Mark was fiddling with his phone so Seb took it, setting multiple alarms for him and showing Mark so he was reassured.

“I don’t want one of the guys coming hammering on the door,” Mark smiled tiredly.

“Yeah, come to bed Liebling.”

 

Sebastian led him away, Mark dropping to sit on the bed still in his race-suit.

“God I’m knackered.”

“I’m not surprised.”

Shaking his head, Sebastian helped his husband undress and get into bed.

“I should clean my teeth.”

Seb huffed a laugh and kissed him anyway.

“Do it when you wake up.”

“Is that Teddy?”

Sebastian smiled, knowing they were both tuned in to hear their son, even when he wasn’t yelling for them at he top of his voice.

“Sleep Liebling. I’ll look after Teddy. I’ll set that alarm on my phone too.”

“I gave them your number in case I’m recalled earlier.”

“They’ve got it anyway Mark. Sleep. It’s all okay.”

Mark closed his eyes, thanking god for a cool pillow and a soft bed. He felt his husband stroke over his hair and in the distance heard another noise.

“I’ll sort him out,” Seb assured.

He felt Seb kiss his temple, then Mark was asleep, no energy to worry about their son calling, nor even that some disaster could befall his car requiring him to be recalled even earlier than the hour and a half Mark was allowing to get back ahead of his scheduled morning stint.

 

By the time Sebastian had retrieved their son and calmed him down sufficiently to risk showing him that his daddy was sleeping and needed to be left doing so, Mark was out, mouth open, snoring softly as he lay on his back prostrate with exhaustion.

“See,” whispered Seb to their son. “Daddy’s asleep Schatz, so we have to play at being tiny little mice so we don’t wake him.”

He put his finger to his mouth and Teddy paused before copying him, making his father smile.

“That’s it. Good boy.”

Sebastian shut the door and took Teddy back into the lounge area to see how quietly little mice could play with their toys.

  


 

Mark woke with a momentary minor panic, but as he checked the time he established that he was actually ahead of schedule, alarm not gone off yet though it was due in a few minutes. As he double-checked his phone to be certain there were no missed calls, Mark wondered how it was that his internal alarm clock had woken him even when he was so tired. He took in a deep breath, then climbed out of bed to go through, finding Sebastian dressed and sat on the sofa with a mug of tea listening to the radio while Teddy played on the floor uninterested.

“Hey.”

Seb jumped up to kiss his cheek, not having seen Mark coming through.

“How are you feeling? I was going to wake you in five minutes.”

Mark smiled seeing as that was his alarm time anyway.

“Thanks. Yeah okay. Just gonna jump in the shower.”

“I’ll get your breakfast. We’ve had ours.”

“Thanks.”

 

Twenty minutes later they were all walking back towards the paddock, Seb giving Mark a kiss good luck and Mark dipping in to say bye to Teddy in his buggy before he went inside the garage and they walked on to the Porsche base to set up camp there. Mark was still tired after such meagre amounts of sleep, but a nap was better than nothing and to return accompanied by his family, walking now under a fresh and bright morning sky, did help him to feel somewhat renewed just as the day was. Less than six hours to go now. Time to see this thing out.

  


 

With all he had to do to keep up with what was happening in the race and his work to prepare for his final stint in the car, Mark had no time to be visiting the base where Seb was watching with Jess. Instead he dropped him a text shortly before he was due to be back in the car.

MARK: Hey sweetheart, gonna be up soon. If you wanted to bob down I could come out back to say hi for a minute?

Sebastian smiled as he read the message, looking over to Jess whose husband had just finished what ought to be his last run at the helm, impressively still holding the lead of the race.

“Um, I’m gonna go down to wish Mark luck. Do you want to come, or…?”

“Oh I might do actually,” Jess agreed. “Just to say well done. I won’t stay though. I was there long enough last night.”

“Well we won’t be long either.”

Looking at all their belongings strewn everywhere Seb decided it must be pretty well established that this was ‘their’ table by now. He could give the staff a wave to keep an eye on it for five minutes or so.

 

Reaching the garage, Jessica nipped inside to find her husband, sending Mark on out to meet his own. Seb hadn’t bothered with the pushchair so he simply handed over Teddy to Mark for a hug.

“Hey small stuff,” Mark smiled as his son latched on around his neck.

“Daddy,” sighed Teddy as he crushed into him.

Mark looked to Seb.

“All alright?”

“Yeah, we’re fine. How’s it looking?”

“Back up to fourth. Only took us all night.”

Sebastian huffed a little laugh.

“Hey compared to where you were.”

“True. Anyway my turn next to see if we can scramble any higher.”

Nodding, Seb gave Mark a kiss.

“You’ll do great.”

“Thanks. Oof it’s getting hot out here,” Mark noted.

 

Seb nodded again, reaching to try to re-set the cap their son was wearing. Another perfect blue sky was above them. A lovely day to spend in northern France. Less so if you were trapped in a racing car for several hours.

“Will you be alright?” he checked.

“Yeah no worries sweetheart. Just be a bit smelly after.”

Both of them laughed at that, Teddy lifting his head from where it was buried in his father’s shoulder to look. Mark smiled at him.

“What’s so funny eh kiddo? Just Daddy being silly mate, don’t worry.” He reached a hand to chub his son’s cheek, smiling at the smile it raised in return, before looking to Seb again. “He seems a bit tired.”

“Yeah I’ll put him in the buggy, see if he’ll have a nap.”

“You could take him back.”

Sebastian shook his head.

“I really want to watch Liebling. He’ll be okay.”

“Alright, fair enough.”

“Once you’re done I might see how he’s doing, take him for a play.”

“Sure.”

“I’ll make sure we’re back for the end.”

Mark laughed.

“Don’t worry about it darling. Whatever you need to do. I don’t think I’ll be able to get away from now on.”

“No I understand.”

“Speaking of which I need to get back in there. Sorry.”

“That’s okay.” Sebastian pressed in for a hug and a kiss. “Love you Liebling. Good luck.”

“Thank you sweetheart, love you too.”

 

They looked at one another for a minute, Mark seeing all the things his husband couldn't say.

“It’ll be fine, okay,” he reassured, “just gonna see what we can do, get it to the end, yeah?”

“Yeah okay Liebling. Don’t worry about us, we’ll just see you when we see you.”

“Sure.” Mark looked to Teddy. “Right lovely boy, you be good for Papa.”

Teddy tried to hang onto him, but Sebastian helped take the little boy back.

“Say bye to Daddy for now Schatz.”

Mark smiled at the pout they got, but as Seb hitched Teddy up the toddler relented and hugged into his papa instead.

“No? Sorry Liebling.”

“Nah s’alright. He’s tired. I know how he feels.”

“You’re okay though?” worried Seb.

“Course I am darling. Home straight now.”

“Okay. Bye then, love you.”

“Love you too,” Mark repeated with a last kiss. “Bye Teddy.”

The little boy turned his head.

“Daddy bye.”

“Yeah, bye for now mate.”

 

Sebastian looked into the rear part of the garage to see if Jess was still around or if she was staying. The other couple were stood near the doorway to the main garage, so catching her eye, Seb let her know they were heading off, Jess nodding and with her own farewell to her husband, coming out to join them.

“You don’t want to stay?” Seb checked.

“No they’re busy,” she assured. “Think I’ll watch in comfort.”

Mark huffed a laugh.

“Very sensible. Later then.”

 

With a last wave the little group turned and walked back to the base, Mark watched them go, smiling to see his son lift his head from Seb’s shoulder to look back at him. He gave Teddy an extra wave goodbye, then turned into the garage to get on with things.

Jenson was waiting for him, patting his arm with a smile as they went back through to stand at the back until Mark was called over for his final run through with the engineers.

“You guys do like your goodbyes,” Jenson teased. “It’s a good job you really weren’t together when you were team-mates or you’d have never driven out of the garage.”

Mark rolled his eyes.

“Not the only issue there might have been mate.”

“No, true. Family life might have been a bit tricky. Who would babysit if you were both driving?”

“Ha, that really wasn’t what I was thinking about.”

“Guess not,” Jenson agreed, thinking of the way the little family looked stood closely together. “You couldn't race against him now could you?”

“Seb? No mate. I mean for fun.” Mark shrugged. “Sometimes Pauline babysits the little guy for us and we get to have a proper ride together.”

“Excuse me?” teased Jenson.

Mark sent him a scathing look.

“ _Bike_ ride.”

“Course.”

“So we have a little race against each other cycling round the lanes, but just to push us.”

Jenson nodded.

“Sure.”

“But no mate, I couldn't race Seb for real any more. It just wouldn't work. To be honest I couldn't concentrate driving if he was on track too.”

“Really?”

Mark shrugged, but it was true.

“Anyway,” he moved on. “Like you say, not practical apart from anything else. One of us needs to be looking after Teddy.”

Jenson smiled.

“You are funny together. The way that little guy clings onto you.”

Mark teased him back.

“Do you mean Teddy or Seb?”

“Ha. I meant Teddy. It’s like… I dunno, you remember those cartoons where the egg hatches and the little chick somehow sees the fox first and thinks it’s his mother and the fox ends up having to adopt it.”

Mark gave him a baffled look.

“What?”

“No I mean…”

“You saying Teddy thinks I’m his mother?”

“No no… I’m not sure what I’m saying,” backtracked Jenson. “He’s just very attached to you.”

“Well yes, I’m his father. So is Seb. I don’t think Teddy is confused mate.”

“I didn’t mean that.” Jenson looked at him. “Honestly mate I’ve had about an hour’s sleep, I don’t know what I’m saying any more.”

 

Mark nodded. Lack of sleep added to extended exertion and performance pressure at the wheel could leave you feeling punch-drunk by this stage, so he decided to let him off for his rather strange comment.

“Yeah alright. I mean yeah, he can be a bit clingy at races,” he admitted. “And I’m definitely talking about Teddy by the way.”

Jenson saw the smile telling him Mark was teasing him now, so he nodded.

“Still no idea how you do it.”

“Do what?”

“All of it really,” laughed Jenson.

Mark shook his head.

“You adapt. If it’s what you want, or I guess if you have no choice. So Teddy’s adapting. We’re adapting as a family. After all I was primary carer for most of his life so far.”

“You sound like a form.”

“Ha, believe me mate I’ve seen more forms in my life now than I ever thought I would. It’s good though this year really. I mean for all of us. I get to do a bit of racing…”

“A bit.”

“Yeah,” smiled Mark. “Just a bit, and Seb gets to look after Teddy.”

“And Teddy?”

“Well he gets a bit of both of us. And he gets to visit places like this. He loves coming to the garage.”

“Sure.”

“I don’t think there’s any confusion in his head you know mate. Teddy knows I’m his daddy and Seb’s his papa and that’s that. We’re his family. We might be a bit different, but we make it work.”

“Course.”

“It’s not as complicated as it might seem. We just do whatever we need to to make it work.” Mark huffed a laugh. “I think it’s good. Neither one of us is the priority any more. All this. It’s great to be here, but it’s not the most important thing.”

Mark leaned in a little.

“Not that I should be saying that in here, but it’s true. Whatever happens, tonight we’ll go home and Teddy won’t care where I finish.” He smiled. “Believe me, that’s a good thing.”

 

Jenson nodded. He still didn’t fancy going home to nappy changes and being woken in the night, especially not after all this. His and Jess’s nice peaceful apartment, stylish and comfortable, handy for all the delights of Monte Carlo, seemed a far more enticing prospect to him, but if Mark preferred family and a large country home handy for muddy walks with the dogs, then all power to him.

“I’m sure it is,” he agreed.

Mark smiled, then saw he was being waved at by one of the engineers.

“Looks like it’s time to get the lowdown,” he noted. “See you later.”

“Good luck.”

“Cheers.”

Mark took a deep breath as he headed over to get stuck in prior to getting in the car. Oddly he didn’t feel tired now. He wanted to get going and he was about to get his chance.

 

 

In the base Seb was sorting his son out to take a nap in his pushchair while Jess got them fresh drinks. As Teddy clutched one of his toys he quickly dropped off for a nap, his father only then turning to pick up his coffee.

“Thanks for this.”

“I didn’t make it,” she smiled.

Sebastian huffed a laugh then took a sip, almost jealous of his son being able to have a little sleep. Tiredness was seeping through his bones now and Seb had no idea how Mark could say he was fine to leap into the car again after far less rest than he’d had. Endurance racing was never going to be for him, even if Mark and Jenson had adapted to the different category.

“You didn’t want to stay and watch in garage?” he checked.

Jessica smiled.

“ _Way_ too tense in there.”

Seb huffed a laugh and nodded, glancing to the nearest screen to see that the number one Porsche still led the race and that the second car held fourth, though sadly several laps down.

“You’ll hold my hand won’t you sweetie?” she requested, only partly teasing.

Reaching over, Seb put his hand over his friend’s.

“They’re looking good,” he assured.

Jessica smiled, both of them knowing how easily it could all fall apart without warning.

“Did Mark say when he’d be in?”

“Not sure. In the next twenty minutes I think.”

She took in a breath and moved her hand so she could give Seb’s a squeeze. Both of them were going to have to brave this one out, but at least they could do it together.

 

Soon Mark was being shown climbing in for his stint at the wheel. Seb looked to their son to tell him, but Teddy was fast asleep still in his pushchair. Perhaps it was best. This way at least the little boy could have no way of picking up the nerves Sebastian felt as he saw the Porsche joining the track with his husband at the wheel. Jess gave him a reassuring smile and Seb took a deep breath. At least it was daytime. Getting on for midday now, the track could hardly be better lit and Seb need have none of the anxiety he felt watching Mark driving at night.

In a strange way listening on the radio had been better. Though his imagination pictured all the spins, punctures and crashes that were described, Seb had been spared the sight of those headlights flaring as cars flailed out of control. The confusing images made it hard to distinguish not only what was happening, but who it was happening to, and Seb remembered how in the past that had left him even more on edge. It wasn’t like Singapore where the F1 race on the streets of the city was so well lit it was brighter than many a daytime race. At Le Mans dark really did mean _dark_ in places, but not now thank god. Broad daylight felt safer, even if in reality it only meant you saw what was happening more clearly, good or bad.

 

 

At the wheel Mark was also very glad it was full daylight driving from now on. With the two Audis sandwiched between him and the sister Porsche leading the race, he had plenty to aim for, but the engineers had been very clear in their warnings that with temperatures getting above 30°C and the track temperature even higher, they had to be careful. Push carefully. It sounded like an oxymoron to Mark, but he understood what was at risk when he and his team-mates has spent over twelve hours trying to recover this race. He couldn't afford to chuck it all away either by making a mistake and crashing, or over-doing things and burning up either the engine or the tyres.

With three hours to go they were still five laps off their twin Porsche at the front and though Mark kept on lapping lower cars, flashing his headlights before darting around and pushing on, it felt he was hardly making any kind of dint in the deficit.

“How’re we looking?” he checked on the radio.

“Good pace.”

He almost sighed at the response, though of course that was better than being told he was doing something wrong. No option but to keep plugging away and hoping for the best.

 

After another couple of pitstops Mark was told that at least he had cut it to four laps in arrears, so he could feel as though he was grinding the gap down, but shortly after being told that he accidentally went too far over the kerbs, bouncing the underside of the car along the corrugated kerb edging. The jarring sensation went right through his spine, but worse it lost him time. Only seconds, but they couldn't afford to lose any of those.

It also woke him up to the fact that he could all too easily chuck the whole thing away, all twenty-one at times painful hours, just because he hadn’t the patience to be sensible. Nearly two grand prix could be fitted into the time remaining and a lot could still happen. Mark knew if he didn’t keep an eye on the long game he could lose out. If nothing else they would pick up good points, but _only_ if they finished the race.

“You’re only one lap behind the rear Audi now,” he was informed as he crossed the start-finish line once more.

“Thanks,” he replied levelly.

 

Something to aim for, Mark thought. A real target was a better incentive than a delta lap-time. Getting more feedback to confirm he was going at a faster rate than the car he was chasing, Mark redoubled his efforts to pass backmarkers as quickly and neatly as possible. Not too much risk, nothing silly, but no time wasting.

It took a couple more laps inching forwards before Mark could finally see what he thought was the rear wing of the Audi in third. A podium position. Now that was worth fighting for.

“The Audi’s pace has dropped off,” he was told over the radio.

“Have they got a problem?”

“Possible, not sure.”

Mark concentrated on passing an LMP2 car in-between them while he was sure the Porsche engineers frantically studied the Audi to see why they had slowed slightly. He squinted to try to see if he could discern perhaps a puncture or suspension damage, but the car appeared ostensibly fine.

“Have they got an engine issue?” he asked.

“We’re not sure. You should be able to pass after the esses.”

“Yep, copy that.”

 

Mark moved in sooner than he had expected, the Audi plainly now well off the pace. He had no time to think of the struggles the driver must be experiencing, only how to react. Closer now as they concertinaed into the sharper bend at the end of the last ‘ess’ before the short straight. Mark was already thinking that he could just send his car up the inside and dash past to get it done when the Audi made a strange move. It wasn’t obvious whether he was trying to concede the place and get out of the way, or if the fault was taking control out of the driver’s hands. Having suffered previously as a result of another’s car’s problem, Mark immediately backed off, letting the Audi go off down the short straight into Terte Rouge.

At a slower speed, Mark knew he should pass easily enough once they got onto the Mulsanne Straight. He stayed back to judge the correct place, then as the car ahead rounded the bend, Mark saw something: a slight shimmering in the air that for a moment he thought could just be the heat haze rising up off the track where the asphalt was now above 40°C, but then it thickened.

“The Audi’s smoking,” he reported.

Mark tried to stay well away, but into the corner he couldn't help closing in as the Audi slowed even more abruptly. Jamming on the brakes he nearly locked up, nearly overshot the corner himself, but Mark just kept control and was about to move to pass on the outside when the wispy smoke coming from of the Audi suddenly darkened and belched out right at him.

 

 

* * *

 


	269. Over 24 Hours - Part 4

* * *

 

  


Watching in the base, Seb gasped at Mark’s near-miss, his stomach clenching as he saw the way he had to slam on the brakes to avoid going into the back of the car ahead. He closed his eyes for a second, taking a calming breath and pushing it out again slowly to settle himself. His first thought was relief Mark was okay. His second was that he was glad Teddy was asleep in his pushchair and thus wouldn't have picked up on him jumping at that close shave. The fear that something terrible could happen to Mark never left him until he was actually out of the car and even then Seb still worried.

That was the thing with them being here; Sebastian could watch the race at home just as easily. It would be far more convenient to look after their son there, but Seb felt he had to be here. Not just to support Mark, though that was important. It was the terrifying idea that Mark could have an accident that made it feel essential Seb was here. The risk always felt higher during this still dangerous twenty-four hour race. Even thinking about that made his heart seize and Seb didn’t want to imagine how it would be to have to dash to the medical centre with their son, but the only thing worse would be being stuck at home, even if that was only an hour’s flight away. If something happened Seb needed to be with Mark as soon as possible. By being here Seb hoped that somehow actually made it less likely, illogical as that might be.

  


Feeling a hand go over his, he looked to his friend.

“He’s fine,” assured Jess.

Sebastian nodded.

“Just scares me, you know?”

“I really do.”

“Yeah.”

They looked to one another in shared sympathy for a moment, then Seb’s attention was called back to the television.

“That Audi’s so hot it’s letting off steam,” joked the commentator on TV.

Frowning at what he could see, Sebastian shook his head.

“That’s _smoke_ ,” he observed, then looked closer. “Oil.”

“What?”

Jess frowned at him as Sebastian peered in to look at the distinct blue-ish tinge to the thick smoke now suddenly poured from the rear of the Audi.

“I think their engine’s blown. That’s definitely oil burning,” Seb explained. “Not good.”

Mark had pulled aside and passed, safely shooting away down the long straight, but Sebastian was unhappily looking at the screen, perceiving that something was off.

  


“Ah damnit!” complained Mark to the team via the radio. “Dumped bloody oil on my windscreen.”

He sighed as he was asked how bad it was, restraining himself from attempting to use the windscreen wipers when he knew that was the worst thing he could do. It would only smear the entirety of the glass. The spatters all over it were bad enough as it was.

“Can you manage?”

“Um, I think so.”

He had no choice really seeing as they were barely a third of the way around the eight and a half mile circuit. Mark simply had to soldier on, trying to see as best he could. In a twenty-four hour race you didn’t expect pristine vision when your windscreen accumulated endless dirt, bugs and whatever else was thrown its way between cleans at pitstops, but dodging around more lower cars, Mark had to admit that this really was pretty badly blurred. He could see out, but if there had been a numberplate needing reading on one of those cars he wouldn't have a hope.

  


On television they were showing the interior camera from Mark’s car, the commentators discussing how difficult to drive it was. Sebastian watched for a moment, then sighed and stared at the ceiling taking a calming breath. This was all he needed. It was bad enough having to worry about his husband racing after barely any sleep, now he had to do that whilst half-blinded in the car doing two hundred miles an hour and overtaking cars at the same time. Brilliant.

Seb looked to the side to see his friend looking concerned.

“He’ll manage won’t he?”

Sebastian puffed a breath.

“Yeah.”

He wished Mark didn’t have to though.  


  


Mark wished likewise. The oil was viscous and dirty, spat from a hard-working engine that had apparently been pushed _too_ hard. Perhaps it was the heat that had caused it to blow now they ran under the boiling midday sun, but whatever the cause, the burnt oil stank so badly Mark could smell it inside the car. It was already uncomfortably hot inside the cockpit even with the air-conditioning battling to keep temperatures liveable in there, so this was hardly improving matters. Then to make things worse, as Mark got as far round as Indianapolis and Arnage corners one of the Am cars ahead skidded off, sending up a cloud of dust from the dried out grass and soil at the verge.

“Bloody hell,” Mark cursed.

Now the oily windscreen had a coating of pale dirt coated on top and there was nothing Mark could do to shift it. With no alternative left, he got on the radio.

“Okay this is really bad now. I’m gonna be losing time with vision this poor,” he conceded.

“That bad?”

“Yes, sorry.”

“Bring her in.”

Mark was relieved that there was only the slightest of pauses before he was taken at his word. The team knew that he wouldn’t want to pit early unless there was no choice and they trusted his judgement in addition to what they could see from the on-board camera. That was something, though he would still far rather not being having to make that call.

  


Sebastian was relieved as well to see Mark make his way to the pitlane and pull in to a stop unscathed. Mechanics were quickly working to pull the tear-off away to give the car a clear windscreen once more. They took the opportunity to change tyres and top up the fuel but Seb guessed before the expert commentary noted, that it had put them back somewhat seeing as it was an unscheduled and slower pit. He was soon off again, but Mark was now faced with the challenge of re-making up the time he had lost.

A couple of LMP2 cars had slipped ahead due to his extended pitstop and Seb knew that if one of the Audis had over-heated then the Porsches could be equally vulnerable. The one Mark had passed had been left limping around solely on its electric power, but just as it reached the end of the long Mulsanne Straight it ground slowly to a halt, stopping at the side of the road. It was shown making valiant efforts to get going again, succeeding in pootling along at a pitifully slow speed before stopping again, once, then again, before finally petering out altogether along the straight to Arnage.

By the time Mark passed it again there was a slow zone in operation to allow the marshals to retrieve the car and as he saw the Audi’s door popped open Mark guessed the driver was already out and clear beyond the barrier. Day done, race over.

  


He had to appreciate that despite his latest setback, it was minor by comparison. With another car out his Porsche inherited third position in the LMP1 class, but as far as the race podium went he had to pass the LMP2 cars in front of him or that third wouldn't be overall. His car was faster. Surely he could overtake them without that much difficulty?

“Where am I sitting?” he checked.

“Next car is at Corvette right now.”

Mark unconsciously nodded, calculating that was less than a third of a lap away. Keep pushing, don’t drop the ball.

  


  


Back in the base Teddy had woken from his nap and now sat on his father's lap, a little clingy as he came round. Sebastian held him close, giving his son smiles between watching the screen to see how Mark was getting on.

“Are you hungry Schatz?” he enquired.

“Papa,” pouted Teddy, pressing further into him and showing little interest in anything other than that.

“Guess not yet,” Seb commented to Jessica.

“Mm.”

Seb smiled to see how distracted his friend was now that they had cut back to show the front of the race. Even though Jenson was no longer at the wheel, Seb knew what it was to worry that something could go wrong at any moment. Le Mans had a horrible history of cars appearing to be coasting home to a secure win only for it all to fall apart without notice, sometimes painfully close to the three o’clock deadline.

Of course that could equally well happen to Mark, Seb knew. Perhaps the odds were even higher given that the number one Porsche was taking it steady, unchallenged at the front whilst the second car had been pushing all night and all morning to recover their position. Mark was still pushing now, straining the car, the engine, and himself as he fought to close in on the LMP2 car to retake what both he and Seb could only think of as his rightful position as a genuine third place in the race.

  


It took until mid-way down the Mulsanne Straight for Mark to get the LMP2 lined up to make a relatively easy pass, pulling around to overtake and shoot by. On television it looked easy at any rate. In the car Mark’s body tensed as he made the move, only relaxing once not only past, but around the chicane and on his way. The remaining LMP2 still needed taking care of but now he didn’t need to ask on the radio about its position when he could see its rear-wing in the distance as it slowed for the Michelin chicane. It stretched ahead on the straight as Mark in turn had to slow slightly around the kink in the long straight, but then he was suddenly much closer.

This was a pass for position. No flashing lights or blue flags. The LMP2 team would without a doubt love to make the overall race podium, particularly with the added prestige of out-doing a faster car. They were pushing as he was and Mark knew that they were unlikely to hand the place over, but he needed that pass. After a tough race a podium finish would help make all that effort feel worthwhile.

As they approached the tight right turn at Mulsanne, Mark considered cutting up the inside to get by. That would feel satisfying. A real nip and tuck overtake like in F1, but Endurance was a different game. No unnecessary risks. Not with everything they had put into this and with only two hours still left to go. Wait, stay calm, stay back and ease through the bend, then foot down on the shorter straight that followed. His car was simply more powerful with its hybrid engine with added electric boost and in the end the lower category car had no defence. No chance here that they would dart across to block him when that could so easily result in a crash that would spell disaster for both of them. Mark knew that they had to be aware that even if they lost the overall podium they were still in winning position for the LMP2s. They weren’t going to throw that away and so it proved as he made the move past long before the next corner came up.

  


  


Sebastian didn’t realise he had been holding his breath until he puffed it out at seeing his husband safely away. He pushed out another breath to settle himself, then looked in at his son on his knee hoping that Teddy had no idea why his papa had been so tense and preoccupied. This race did terrible things for his anxiety levels at times, but he didn’t want his son to feel that.

“That’s third,” Jess noted.

“Yep. Pfff, okay.”

Giving her a smile, Seb glanced to the screen once more as it showed the standings now updated to reflect Mark’s third overall position. He saw Teddy looking where he was and smiled to him.

“Everything’s good Liebling.”

They played out the radio-call between Mark and the team and as he replied acknowledging their praise Jess noticed the way Teddy looked at the TV.

“Can you hear your daddy Teddy?” she asked.

Teddy was frowning so Seb rubbed over his arm guessing that perhaps he did recognise his father’s voice, but was confused by only seeing the interior of the car shown when that meant little to him.

“That was him Schatz, Daddy talking to his team.”

Clearly that was still too much for a toddler to comprehend, so Seb just smiled at him.

“Let’s get you a drink and we can have lunch in a bit,” he offered, thinking unless his son demanded it, they could wait until Mark was out of the car for that distraction.

  


  


The next few laps for Mark mostly consisted of dodging around lower cars as he lapped them. He wasn’t making huge inroads on the gap to the other Audi ahead of him seeing as it was three laps ahead with the other Porsche another two laps ahead of that. The advice on the radio from his engineer made it clear that they didn’t want him to over-do it, particularly in this heat.

Now it was one pm the air temperature was well over thirty degrees, and though the car was cooled, it felt even hotter at the wheel. When all he had to do was loop the track on the racing line with no one else in sight it was hard not to feel every degree of that heat, the sweat dripping inside his race-suit and indeed his helmet. Visor up, Mark used his gloved thumb to try to wipe the drips away so they didn’t run into his eyes. God, what would he give for this to be an open cockpit car at this point? Real fresh wind running over him, not this barely cooled recycled air.

With his body wired into race mode and his mind focussed on driving, Mark didn’t actually feel tired at the wheel, but god the heat was uncomfortable. He had joked earlier to Seb that he would be smelly after this stint, but as Mark ran down the long straight once again he found himself fantasising about a cool shower, a long cold drink and an ice-pack on the back of his neck.

“Okay Mark in this lap please.”

Mark restrained himself from saying ‘thank god’ in reply, but it crossed his mind.

“Copy.”

  


 

As they watched him clamber out of the car outside the Porsche garage, Jess patted Seb’s hand and gave him a smile.

“He did good.”

“Yeah. Blimey, okay.” Sebastian took a deep breath and pointed to the TV for his son. “That’s Daddy Schatz. He’s done now.”

 _He’s done._ Seb thought over again with relief. Safely out of the car with a job well done. They couldn't ask for more than that. Shifting Teddy over slightly, Seb reached for his phone.

“Shall I take him?” offered Jess.

“Oh thanks.”

Sebastian gave Teddy another encouraging smile as he passed him to his godmother, enabling him to send a quick text.

SEB: Hey Liebling. You did great. Everything crossed for the end of the race now. We’re gonna get lunch here at the base and stick it out here I think. Too hot out really, so air-conditioning prob best. We’ll see you later whenever you’re free. Don’t worry how late that is. xox S&T

  


  


Mark didn’t read the message for some time. His first concern on getting out of the car and into the garage was to haul his helmet and cowl off and grab a towel to wipe down all that horrible sweat. That done he undid his race-suit at the same time as he spoke with the engineers, gratefully accepting a bottle of water, gulping it down and then sighing.

“Hot in there,” smiled the engineer.

“Ha, you’re not kidding mate, and that’s coming from an Aussie boy. Sweltering. Reckon I’ve lost a couple of pounds on that stint alone.”

Andreas was there, so he gave Mark the nod to grab what he needed and Mark nipped out the back to find the fridge where there was more water and some ice-packs. Wrapping one in a towel, Mark fitted it around his neck and stood for a moment downing more blessedly cold water. He took a moment to lean back against the dividing wall, only now feeling how fast his heart was beating. What he really wanted was to dive into an ice-bath, but at least cooling down like this felt pretty amazing compared to being cooked in the car.

Even a cold shower would have to wait unfortunately. He had a job to do and that meant no checking of his phone either, so Mark took his water with him and returned to his task, debriefing the team and following the continuing action from the garage. He stood with the rest, race-suit tied at the waist with the sleeves of his Nomex under-shirt pushed up as far up his arms as they would go. Final straight now and even if he wasn’t at the wheel for it, Mark wasn’t going anywhere.

  


“No reply?” asked Jess as Seb checked his phone.

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head.

“He’ll be busy. It’s okay. I’m gonna get us some lunch. Are you alright with him if I go ask?”

“Sure.”

“What would you like?”

Jessica laughed and shook her head.

“I can’t eat right now.”

“Really?”

“Too nervous.”

Seb nodded sympathetically. He knew how that felt. Now he knew Mark was safe though breakfast felt a very long time ago and Teddy needed to eat for sure. Just a couple more hours to go and then they could all relax, hopefully with the result they wanted once the chequered flag was waved.

He was secretly rather glad of the distraction as he focussed on feeding his son and getting a bite to eat himself. The coverage was concentrating on the battle between the two leading LMP2 cars that Mark had passed earlier and while that was shown Seb knew it had to mean that there was nothing more exciting further ahead which meant both Porsches were doing okay.

  


  


For Mark the final hours passed far more slowly. Once he had debriefed with his engineers he stayed stood in the garage, watching what was happening and listening in on the radio. By this stage every tiny aberration in the car raised the tension in the team. In the early afternoon after over twenty-two hours of racing, the attrition rate of cars dropping out of the race only seemed to be spiraling. Engine blow-outs, tired drivers losing concentration in the heat of small stuffy cockpits crashing, tyres wearing out faster on the hot asphalt, even more punctures coming from gravel spread onto the track by previous incidents. They all added up ominously, yellow flags and slow zones complicating matters for those at the wheel.

 

Somebody handed Mark an energy bar to keep him going, but he ate it with barely a look away from the screen to keep track of what was happening. The remaining Audi in the race had dropped slightly off the pace and with barely more than an hour to go now, Timo in the car had been advised that there was a chance that they could have the same problem as their sister car. The radio intercepts had been cautious as it seemed Audi didn’t want to give too much away to the opposition, so no one at Porsche could tell whether they were playing it safe to avoid an issue, or if they really were in trouble.

Mark stood with Jenson now, speaking to one another occasionally with barely a glance away from the screens.

“I think this is about to be the longest hour of my life,” commented Jenson.

Mark huffed a little laugh, knowing what it was to be in that position.

“Rather be in the car?”

“You bet.”

“Boiling in there now.”

Jenson smiled and shook his head.

“Still rather be in there.”

“Mm.”

Mark himself was less sure. It was generally better to be able to actually affect the outcome, but having done his stint more recently than his friend he was still recovering from the discomfort of driving under the hot summer sun. The fans in garage were only partially effective in keeping it cool, but that was something. He was just about to make a comment on that when everyone stared at the screen to see that the battle between the leading LMP2 cars was getting almost as heated as the weather.

 

The two cars ran close through the Porsche curves, then on through the Karting and Corvette corners, the car behind nosing alongside and looking as though it was about to get through before the leading car somehow managed to pull away. Then as they reached the Ford Chicane the lead car overdid it and ran all the way wide, bumping hard over the high kerbs and through the gravel while the following car wasting no time in racing ahead.

“Whoof!” smiled Mark with a shake of his head.

“Kicking themselves over that,” remarked Jenson.

Mark nodded, thinking that was surely that and the car which had run wide would have to accept its error and plod on in second, but it seemed the driver didn’t agree. Having successfully pulled the car back on track he put his foot to the floor, annoyed with himself as Mark guessed. Through Dunlop he was chasing again and by the esses they were back in the same situation as before only with the places reversed.

“Looks like someone’s a little hot under the collar,” noted the commentary on the television, sounding amused.

“Hmm,” frowned Mark as he looked even closer.

 

Boiling hot temperatures after twenty-three hours of racing following a frustrating loss of position wasn’t a combination conducive to cool heads under pressure, and so it proved. One minute the chasing LMP2 was nosed alongside at the bend and the next the two cars touched. It looked the most glancing of blows, but suddenly a rear wheel covering was flying up in the air and both cars were spinning wildly out of control.

“ _Oooh!”_ cried out the commentator as just about everyone watching in the garage sucked in air.

“Well,” Jenson sighed dryly, “that was predictable wasn’t it?”

Mark gave him an acknowledging flick of his eyebrows as they both observed the two cars stuck in the gravel traps, stone flying up as they only dug themselves deeper. In that situation drivers never seemed to learn that they weren’t helping matters. One of the cars plainly had too much damage to do anything, but the car that had been in front still looked in one piece, only beached. As the yellow flags came out a small group of marshals tried vainly to push them out, a comedy of errors ensuing as the driver stubbornly refused to give up the ghost while his valiant helpers got pelted with gravel. The door even opened to show him appealing for them to keep trying only to receive shaken heads.

Mark chuckled.

“Oh god, give up mate, c’mon now.”

“Would you?” smiled Jenson.

“Probably not.”

With a wry smile back, Mark looked to see that there was yet another slow-zone in operation while the cars were prepared to be removed. That would take a while and as both Porsches had been safely well away from the area at the time, Mark decided he was clear just to take a moment to finally check his phone. He stepped away to find his bag, looking at messages from friends and family, sending a couple back while he had chance.

MARK: Hey sweetheart, sorry, yes thanks not too bad a run in the end. Hanging in there for now so I’m gonna stay here. Hope you and Teddy are alright?

  


 

Sebastian had been watching the same thing Mark had of course, so it took a moment to realise his phone was buzzing. Jess offered to take Teddy again, but now that he had eaten the little boy seemed tired again, listless perhaps from the heat even in the controlled environment of the Porsche base. Shifting him to rest with one arm holding him in, Seb read and replied to the text.

SEB: We’re fine. Glad you are. Could see that crash coming with the LMP2s!

 

Mark laughed as he read that.

MARK: Yep, hot heads at play. Just watching the clock now…

SEB: Me too. Everything crossed Liebling. x

MARK: Thanks. See you later xox

  


After that there was nothing to be done for either one of them except watch what happened as the minutes ticked down to three pm. Teddy fell asleep in his father's arms, plainly not as hooked as the grown-ups were to the action on screen. Seb and Jess sipped water and half-cold coffees. Mark resisted the urge to pace the garage.

  


Whatever had been plaguing the Audi it wasn’t enough to knock them out of the race. It did mean that they slowly fell further back until the number two Porsche was on the same lap though. Mark listened in as Timo pleaded to be allowed to push harder, only to be warned that he would be in danger of throwing their strategy out by using too much fuel. Mark took a deep breath at hearing that, knowing how frustrating it must be. Their car was capable of going faster, but they couldn’t afford to. All they could do was keep going as they were, hoping that patience might bring the race to them. As it was they were actually going at a faster pace than the number one Porsche which could afford to play it safe with its five lap lead.

With a mere twenty minutes to go the helicopter shots confirmed what the team knew already: the second Porsche was within sight of the Audi ahead. If they could get past that would be second place and mean a prestigious one, two for Porsche. The dream result. No pressure.

  


Now that he had cooled down sufficiently, Mark wished he was at the wheel again. Not that he didn’t trust he team-mate, but to stand here powerlessly watching on was painful. It seemed to take forever for Timo to get the car close enough that they were both in the same shot, then the television coverage cut to show the in-car camera giving viewers a feel for what it was like to be in there. The rear-wing of the Audi was visible through the windscreen, surely only feet away. The two cars were going through the Porsche curves and Mark was already thinking how the correct entry angle through one of these bends might provide an over-taking opportunity. It wouldn’t be an easy pass however, as whatever troubles it had, the Audi was handling well and continued to block any hint of a move by the Porsche.

Timo stayed close, but without raising an echo of the mistake the LMP2 cars made earlier, he couldn't find a way past. He stayed with him though, all the way through the bends to reach Corvette when Mark thought that surely there must be a reasonable opportunity. It seemed Timo thought likewise, but as he made a move he ran out of road and edged over the white line running wide, but thankfully coming straight back on track without losing much time. With the Audi gifted some breathing space, Timo was left chasing again, pushing just a little harder to catch back up as the circuit wound back around past the start finish straight in front of the pits. As the track leaned in to the right towards Dunlop once more, Timo moved in closer, looking to have another go.

Mark watched avidly on, sure they were about to gain second place when out of the corner of his eye he saw the engineers heads going together by the data screens. For a moment he wondered if they were plotting where the best place to pass would be, but then he saw the look on their faces and his heart dropped like a stone.

“Timo you have to back off,” came the urgent advice over the radio.

“What?”

“We’re overheating. Back off immediately.”

 

Mark sighed in despair as he caught sight of warning lights flashing. On screen the Audi could be seen pulling away again, but Mark knew what was actually happening was that Timo had dropped right off the pace.

“Running too long in his hot air,” commented Jenson.

“Mm.” Mark frowned, seeing the engineers now in deep discussion with Andreas and other team leaders. “I’m not sure.”

Maybe that had been it, they couldn't know for sure, but despite Timo reducing his speed the engineers still seemed troubled. He went over to find out exactly what was going on, trying not to get in the way. The discussion was going on in German and Mark silently thanked Seb for helping him learn so that he knew what was being said. Though he missed a few words, many technical terms were universal, so he picked up enough to understand that they were uncertain as to the cause, but the car was still running too hot. By the time the car was on Mulsanne it was doing nothing like the two hundred plus miles an hour that was standard on the straight.

He knew before the call went out that simply slowing down wasn’t cutting it and Mark couldn't say he was surprised when the decision was made to pull the car in. With nearly half a lap to go it was an agonisingly slow journey back to the pits, but somehow Timo made it back without disaster striking. Once stopped in front, the team leapt into action and the car was hauled into the cleared-out space in the garage, mechanics swarming over it, peering into every nook and cranny, engine cover off to check to see if that had a fault.

Mark wanted to lean in with them, but he stood back, running a hand through hair that was already damp with sweat.

“Bollocks,” he swore under his breath.

Jenson had a hand on his arm, a sympathetic expression on his face.

“They’ll find it,” he assured. “Whatever it is.”

Mark almost wanted to laugh. There was barely fifteen minutes to go. If they couldn’t fix whatever it was within a couple of minutes then it wouldn't matter. The race would be over while they were in the garage. Timo had stayed sat in place, so Mark went over to speak with him, trying to stay positive.

“We’ve still got a two lap lead on the next car,” he reminded him.

All that got was a nod. It might be true, but with each passing minute that gap was eroded. Mark tried to stay calm, thinking to himself that if they could at least get back on track before the end of the race then they could take third in class which would be something. If they could just finish the race then he’d take that at this stage.

 

The whole car was hot enough to fry an egg on by this stage, so Mark stayed well clear, but the mechanics gloved hands were all over it, some digging out scoopfuls of chipped stones that the car had picked up from somewhere. Some of the small ones had wedged themselves in all kinds of place and Mark watched to see large tweezers used to extricate them all.

“Rev the engine,” a mechanic instructed.

As Timo did so there were more rapid exchanges between mechanics and engineers, then nods.

“Was that it?” asked Mark.

Andreas was by him, all the drivers not actually driving now gathered round.

“Blocking airflow,” his boss confirmed.

“You’re kidding?”

He got a tip of the head in reply as the car was pushed back out, last tweaks in the pit before being sent back on its way. Mark rubbed his jaw feeling how stubbled it was, then shook his head. Gravel. Bloody _gravel_ could have scuppered their whole race? How had it even got in there? When had it got in? Surely it had come from the LMP2 crash, but how had they missed that they had gone over so much on track before it was cleared? Perhaps it had been from that little diversion off-track, but it hadn’t been obvious. All that mattered now was that they had got it out, not worrying about how it had mysteriously ended up in all the wrong places in the first place.

  


As the car trundled at pitlane speed back towards the track Mark looked at the piles of small chipped stones in the little tubs the mechanics had collected them in as they cleared the car. The biggest pile looked to have come from the rear which he hadn’t seen, but could have been blocking the exhausts. Once the race was over there would be plenty of time to analyse all that, but for now everyone was more interested in seeing if the car really was running properly again and where it was going to come back out on track.

  


With less than ten minutes left the car had lost nearly two laps. Everyone watched with bated breath to see the LMP2 now leading its category travelling up the pit straight and passing by before Timo could rejoin, dropping him into fourth overall. The two cars were shown entering the Dunlop curves together, but Timo held back as the team hurriedly studied their readings to be sure all was now well. As he took it steady up towards Terte Rouge, the coverage cut to a shot of everyone watching in the garage and Sebastian could see from Mark’s body language just how tense he was.

He was feeling pretty tense himself. When the number two Porsche had slowed on track, Seb had felt the need to put Teddy down in his pushchair, strapping him in as he slept so he wasn’t disturbed by picking up on what was going on. He had fitted the little boy’s ear-defenders on to shut out any noise and Seb was glad he had done so when a loud round of applause went up as the number two Porsche left the garage apparently fixed just in the nick of time. Teddy slept on unperturbed as his father pushed out a calming breath at hearing that the race was now on its penultimate lap.

“He can pass him surely?” commented Jess.

Sebastian nodded distractedly. Theoretically it ought to be simple, though the speed differential wasn’t huge between LMP1 and LMP2 and the team had to be feeling more cautious than ever now. As the shot of the cars showed them now both on Mulsanne once more, Seb took a deep breath. Just line it up, move in, steady pass and on your way. Easy. Theoretically.

  


  


“C’mon, c’mon, _c’mon_ ,” muttered Mark under his breath, eyes glued to the screen.

It was only for third place overall, even the slowed Audi in second now had ample breathing room to spare, but Mark _wanted_ that podium place. He wanted all that work through the night, all the efforts of himself and his team-mates, all the frantic work by the mechanics both now and all that time ago last night, to be really worth it. Timo just had to make the pass and for the car not to suddenly break down as a consequence.

“Yesss!”

As the overtake was completed just before the first chicane the whole garage cheered as if it was a race win. Mark let out a heavy breath of relief, then clapped along with the rest. Third. They had third. He smiled to himself thinking he had lost count of the number of times they had gained and lost that position over the past twenty-four hours.

  


A lap and a half to go now as the other Porsche appeared at the start of Mulsanne while its sister reached the end many laps behind. He could well imagine the stress his team-mate was under now as he eked things out to the finish. On the radio Timo was being told to take no risks as he passed lower cars and Mark shook his head thinking a driver as experienced as him didn’t need telling not to throw it all away now. Then again he knew that was just a sign that even the preternaturally calm engineers felt stress this late in the day.

Endless backmarker Am and Pro GT cars seemed to be in their path as the car wound back around the last of the lap, moving with ridiculous slowness to get out of his way as they fought their own battles, each as important to their teams as the leaders’ race was to them. Timo was taking no chances though. He had pulled enough of a gap on the lead LMP2 to feel the threat was gone. All he had to do now was get it home.

  


Then there it was, the lead Porsche being told it was on its final lap and the coverage cut to an inside shot of the car before showing it making its way under the iconic Dunlop bridge with a picture perfect blue sky in the background. Beside him Mark noticed the way Jenson was bouncing slightly on his toes and Mark slung an arm over his shoulders, all the drivers in the garage now in a line together watching, praying, holding on, both metaphorically and now literally too.

Half a lap to go for the leaders, but nothing was signed and sealed until the car passed that chequered flag. Mark gave Jenson a smile.

“Nearly there.”

Jenson could only nod, no words available now. _Nearly there._

Taking in a calming breath himself, Mark thought how luck had been with the other car this race. They had never really been in a battle for the win with all the second car had faced, but then that was how it went sometimes. Mark knew that Jenson had faced his own bitter disappointments here in the past and they deserved this one. If it had looked an easy race for the number one car to outsiders then they really had no idea how much work went into it.

Some in the team were already heading out to the pitwall to get good positions to wave their congratulations, but Mark stayed put. No jinxing things now, either for his own car or the other. Half a lap, last third, Porsche Curves now, my god how familiar it all looked. Nearly there…

  


  


In the base Sebastian had taken hold of Jess’s hand as they watched with almost equal anxiety as those in the team.

“Do you want to go down to the garage?” he checked, realising he should have asked this some time ago.

Jess couldn't take her eyes from the screen, she merely gave a tight shake of her head.

“I need to see.”

“Yeah,” Seb agreed.

Far too late to move now. The lead Porsche was coming up on Indianapolis, rounding Arnage surely at a slower speed than it had at any time in the whole race, creeping through the curves with the pit complex now in sight. Without saying a word both of them found themselves standing, still hanging on to one another. The noise was building in anticipation and Seb quickly glanced to the pushchair, but Teddy was almost unbelievably sleeping right through it all. Perhaps that was best?

As the number one Porsche pulled onto the start-finish straight it weaved closer to the pitwall where team flags were being waved, but the only flag that mattered was the chequered one and as he passed that, successfully not mowing down the intrepid soul on track waving it about, the race was run.

 

All about them in the Porsche base people were also on their feet cheering and applauding. Seb looked at Jess and they flung their arms around one another, Seb smiling as his friend let go to jump up and down in delight.

“They did it!”

Sebastian laughed and nodded, looking to see the even wilder celebrations in the Porsche garage. Everyone there was hugging and congratulating one another, but Seb wished the TV would show the second Porsche finishing its lap so he could be sure that the third place was secured. The television director seemed more interested in the celebrations, cutting back and forth between the garage and the internal shot of the car as congratulations and thanks were relayed via the radio. Then finally it showed first the Audi crossing the line to take second and after that, several laps down, but there nonetheless, the other Porsche confirming its hard fought third place. They’d done it.

He looked to Jess to see that she was wiping away tears and hugged her once again.

“You sure you don’t want to go down to see him?” he checked.

“They’ll be going to the podium.”

“Oh, yeah of course.”

Sebastian gave a little shake of his head thinking it felt a long time since he had been here last to experience all this. The race liked to make a big show of the winning car coming back down the pitlane the wrong way to collect up all the team-mates on its way to the Parc Fermé enclosure beneath the podium. With such a long lap back it would take a while, but Seb remembered the excitement surrounding it all. He gave his friend’s arm a rub, recalling how she had supported him in the past when he had found himself getting overwhelmed by all this.

“I’m so pleased for you.”

Jessica took a deep breath and beamed back at him.

“Thank you. Wow, that was exciting at the end there.”

Seb coughed a laugh thinking that wasn’t how he would describe it. Jess sighed out a long breath to compose herself, then looked to see Teddy had finally woken up.

“Hey little one,” she smiled as they both ducked down with him, Seb lifting his son out of the pushchair to give him a hug.

 

The noise had dropped a few decibels now the initial exuberant response to the race win had died down, so Seb pulled Teddy’s ear-defenders off.

“Uncle Jenson won Teddy,” he explained.

“And your daddy got third,” added Jessica.

Both of them smiled at the nonplussed look they got in response. Sebastian touched his cheek wondering what on earth a child of nearly eighteen months made of any of this.

“Are you going to come to the podium?” asked Jessica.

“Oh gosh I don’t know about that,” halted Seb, thinking how crazy the atmosphere could get down there.

So many cameras, so much noise, all those people. Surely there was no way he could take his young son into such an environment? Sebastian looked to the television again to see the Porsche garage being shown again, more hugs, more patted backs and thrilled exchanges that you didn’t need sound to interpret. There was Mark looking so happy.

“Look, there’s Daddy.”

Teddy looked, then squealed with delight as Mark waved on spotting the camera.

“Daddy hi!” he waved back.

Seb huffed a laugh and waved as well. How could you not?

“Okay, I’d better get down to the podium,” Jess declared. “Are you coming with me?”

As he watched his son still happily waving to his father on the television, Sebastian bit his lip. Yes or no?

  


 

Mark smiled as he waved to camera again, hoping that Seb at least was watching even if their son was still asleep. His parents were watching he knew for sure, despite the fact it was the early hours over there. Leanne was probably still up, maybe all of them. Fabian had texted more than once to assure that he was watching the entire thing with barely a nap to sustain him.

As Mark thanked those around him once more, he smiled to see Jenson heading out ready to meet the number one car coming by. He should get going too. Time to smile for the cameras. It wasn’t a win, but boy did third feel good after all they had been through. The smile might at least be half relief at the end result, but it was real.

  


  


In the pre-podium room waiting to go out, Mark chatted happily with his gathered team-mates as well as with the Audi drivers that had previously been their foes. Every one of them knew what effort had gone into them all getting there and no matter what had passed between them in the race, the respect between them all was genuine.

Officials fussed around them but Mark paid them little attention as they sorted out all they needed to until they were finally shepherd them out onto the podium bridge over the pitlane. As they stepped out they were met with a tumult of noise from the fans who had rushed onto the track as soon as the gates were opened. The paddock below was packed as well. Team-members, guests and press all crowding towards the Parc Fermé underneath where the winning car was proudly parked for all to see.

The sun was still bright above, the sky an almost perfectly clear blue and everywhere there was a colourful sea of people watching on for the culmination of the race. Mark was still boiling in his now neatly done up race-suit, but he didn’t care any more. Instead he laughed and joked with his fellow racers as they stood garlanded in laurels, congratulating them all and thanking them in turn. It was a great atmosphere, surely everything the race organisers could have hoped for. As they got ready to hand the trophies out Mark supposed he personally could have hoped for a race win, but a podium finish was a pretty decent result and considering everything he was quite happy with what they had achieved.

 

He would have been content to be up here with his team-mates and to see the gathered team below cheering, but then Mark noticed Jenson grinning and waving down, not straight ahead to the massed group of the team, but to the right where the podium building was. As his friend reached to pat his arm Mark understood what he had been missing in all this organised chaos: Tucked down at the narrow side of Parc Fermé, Mark spotted Jessica waving up, then to his surprise Mark saw that Seb was stood next to her. He was only just outside the little passage way that led through to the paddock and gave access to the stairs reaching up to the podium, but there he was. His cap was low, sunglasses on, but Mark would recognise his husband anywhere, even if he hadn’t had their son in his arms.

Mark smiled and shook his head both a little taken aback that Seb would brave coming, and really rather flattered that he couldn't miss this moment. He observed the way Jess had deliberately stood to shield them as much as possible from the media crammed on the far side and like his father, Teddy had his cap and sunglasses on, ear-defenders placed over the top. He waved down, laughing as Sebastian hitched Teddy up and pointed at him, Mark waving with even greater vigour as his son waved back excitedly.

It took a cough from the official for Mark to realise he was so busy looking at his family that he had been ignoring him trying to hand him the trophy.

“Sorry mate,” laughed Mark. “Thanks.”

He shared a smile and a few words with his team-mates and then they all held their trophies aloft, Mark sparing a hand again to wave down. How could he care too much about not standing on the top step when he had such an audience. Not the hordes waving their flags on the track, or those mustered dead ahead in the pitlane, but just two extra special spectators trying to see without being seen.

  


  


Down below Sebastian was trying to keep his son held as tightly in as possible whilst still allowing him to see up to the podium where Mark stood now holding his trophy up again with all the rest as the winners hoisted up the giant one in the centre. He glanced to Jess, seeing how pleased she looked to see her husband succeeding here at last.

“He did brilliantly,” Seb praised.

Jessica just managed to hear him over the noise, nodding proudly.

Sebastian smiled, thinking she wasn’t about to deny it. His friend looked as transfixed with the podium ceremony as Teddy was. The little boy was staring up, so focussed on what was happening that he had even forgotten to try to pull his sunglasses off for once. Seb was glad of it, thinking that it did a little more to protect him from any cameras that might be pointed their way. Beyond Jessica some team mechanics were wedged in down the side having snuck up to see along where more race officials were watching on (conveniently adding camouflage for Seb with Teddy.)

He wasn’t sure his son had any understanding of what was going on, but thankfully he didn’t seem too bothered by there being so many people around. It was at least better here on this narrow side of Parc Fermé where not too many could fit, and Teddy only had eyes for two things; his father up above and the number one Porsche parked facing them.

“Daddy caah!” shouted Teddy.

There really was no point telling him that this one was actually Uncle Jenson’s car, even if the little boy hadn’t had his ears safely covered, so Seb merely nodded.

 

Those up on the podium were all holding their trophies aloft for the crowd to see and the photographers to take their snaps and whilst Seb had his hands full, Jess applauded enthusiastically. Teddy saw what his godmother was doing and copied her, clapping his little hands.

“Daddy!” he shouted up, no awareness of how loud he was with his ear-defenders on. _“Daddy!”_

Sebastian felt a little sad that Mark surely couldn't hear him even if they were fairly close here, but then perhaps it was best that it was drowned out by the crowd. He didn’t really want the media over on the main side of Parc Fermé to be alerted to their presence. As the podium winners lowered their trophies Mark waved again anyway and Teddy waved excitedly back, smiling delightedly. By them at the side here were some people Seb guessed were prominent VIP guests of some kind as they were accompanied by various race officials. As Teddy waved and shouted once more, one of them looked over.

“Aw, look how happy he is his dad has got third.”

Sebastian smiled politely, but as he looked at his son he knew Teddy had no concept of his father's success. Their son was thrilled to bits simply because his daddy was waving to him. That was all, and in many ways so that was so much better. He saw the way Mark laughed and made a comment to his team-mate and Seb could tell his husband was pleased to see them. Then he realised that the champagne was about to be sprayed and this close to the podium, Seb knew they would be in the line of fire.

“I’m gonna go.”

“Huh?” frowned Jess.

“He won’t like it. See you in a bit.”

“Oh, okay.”

 

Luckily those near them made a pathway as Seb turned to go and quickly enough they were in the passageway, heading away from it all. Teddy however was struggling to turn in his arms to get back.

“Papa no!” he whined loudly.

Sebastian merely shook his head, striding on through the passageway to reach the other side where he paused by the stairs, getting a better hold of his son as he stood in the shadow of the building.

“Papa!”

Moving one ear cover for a moment, Sebastian addressed him here where it was at least a marginally quieter.

“Daddy’s busy Teddy. We’ll see him later.”

Teddy pouted, his little round face furrowed.

“No!”

“Now Teddy, it’s very hot. I think we should go back to out motorhome for a nice play.”

“Papa _Daddy_.”

“I know Schatz.”

Sebastian sighed and glanced up the stairs the podium occupants would be coming down before too long. At least it was shaded here and with all the attention focussed on the business out front, there was barely a soul back here where it met the paddock. There were some equipment crates by the wall so Seb took a seat putting Teddy on his knee, replacing the headphone to protect his ears while they waited. If he was honest, Seb really rather hoped they could grab a moment with Mark as well.

  


  


Several minutes passed before the first set of drivers started coming down the stairs. The next batch for the LMP2 category had already headed up, so more congenial congratulations had passed between them in the crowded upstairs pre-podium area before they headed down. Mark was busy chatting with Timo as he walked, almost reaching the bottom before he spotted the little reception committee waiting for him.

“Ha, hello,” he smiled as he reached his family.

“Hi Liebling. Well done. We’re so proud of you,” praised Seb.

Mark stepped away from the group, standing by the stairs to be hugged by both husband and son, Teddy taking the opportunity to cling onto him.

“Daddy!”

“Yes mate I saw you.”

The toddler frowned, so Seb took his ear-defenders off so he could hear, Mark repeating himself before looking to Sebastian.

“I didn’t think I would see you there to be honest.”

Seb shrugged.

“Jess was coming so…”

“Sure.”

“I’ll be alright won’t it?”

“Course.”

“I don’t think any media spotted us.”

Mark nodded, knowing how Seb worried about that.

“Ah well sweetheart I’m pretty sure they were busy looking at the podium.”

“Mm, yeah hope so.”

Giving him a kiss on the cheek, Mark hitched Teddy up.

“The sky won’t fall if there is a pic or two. Don’t worry about it darling.”

“Yeah okay,” agreed Seb, reconciling that Rachel had always assured them as much. Britta would no doubt tell him if she came across anything, but he wasn’t going to spoil today by fretting. “Teddy wanted to see you.”

“Yeah? Good stuff.”

“I did too.”

“Course,” Mark laughed, then saw the group of drivers getting further away. “I’m being left behind, sorry.”

“Oh no you go Liebling. Come to me Teddy.”

Seb took their son back.

“I think we’ll just grab our stuff and head back to the motorhome for a bit of peace.”

“Sure. ‘fraid I’ll be busy.”

“That’s okay.”

“Might give you a shout if you fancy coming to the base when it’s all calmed down in a few hours, have a little sip of champers?”

Sebastian smiled. Maybe just a sip seeing as he was looking after their son. It wasn’t going to be a quick getaway with all the media and team duties Mark had, but that was okay. They would be home by tonight, no doubt all of them sleeping on the flight.

“Sure,” he accepted.

“Right, gotta run. See you later. Love you.”

Mark gave them quick kisses before quite literally sprinting after his team-mates. Watching him go Seb struggled to get his son’s headphones back on as Teddy griped at being left so abruptly.

“ _Papa_.”

“No Schatz, still noisy. We’ll see Daddy later. Go for a nice play now.”

  


Behind them Jess had made her own way out now that the winners had had their final moment in the sun. Getting over her surprise at finding them there, she walked with them to the base, though Seb knew she would want to hang around for the Porsche party that was due to begin imminently. Mark’s suggestion that they return when the celebrations had died down sounded preferable to Seb. Speeches and press, popping champagne corks and crowds of giddily over-excited team members drinking to their win didn’t add up to the ideal environment for a toddler. He’d go when called, offer his own polite congratulations to people and get an idea when Mark might escape, then go to get everything ready for their departure and give Teddy his dinner. In all honesty it really sounded a preferable option for Seb himself as well.

  


  


As he pushed Teddy in his buggy packed with all their things, Seb was quite glad to be returning to their own space for a bit of quiet. Well, perhaps not entirely quiet unless Teddy opted for an extra nap, but certainly away from all the hustle and bustle. Reaching the motorhome, Seb decided the sun was still too hot and took them inside. Setting Teddy down he switched the air-con up to high and set about getting snacks and drinks for them both before sitting on the floor with his son.

Sebastian leaned back against the edge of the sofa to sip his water, puffing out the longest breath. After a couple of sips of his own drink Teddy seemed more interested in playing with his toy cars and Seb merely sat watching, wondering if their little boy was recreating the race in microcosm. How he had the energy Seb didn’t know, though at least it was cool in here. Any more of that heat outside and Sebastian suspected Teddy would have ended up not only sunburnt, but crochety and a good deal harder to manage. Thank goodness he hadn’t gone into full meltdown after Mark had had to go off to continue working. Maybe Teddy was a little tired after all?

  


As the little boy toddled over, Seb gave him a smile.

“Alright Liebling?”

“Papa. Daddy caah.”

Seb huffed a laugh as he was presented with the toy.

“Yes it is Schatz. You gonna have your snack now?”

He pointed to the waiting plate with its offering of carrot, cucumber and cheese cut into sticks with crackers. Teddy seemed to think about it, then plonked himself onto his father’s lap.

“Good boy.”

He balanced the plate on his son’s knee and offered the sippy-cup of water to keep him hydrated, giving Teddy a smile as he accepted it.

“That’s it,” he approved, not worrying about the inevitable crumbs ending up on the carpet when there was a mini hand-held hoover to keep the place tidy.

 

It felt almost odd to be in here without the radio playing out the race as it had for the past twenty-four hours and beyond, but all that was done with now and Seb felt so much more at peace for it. As he watched his son snacking contentedly, Seb reflected that Teddy really had coped remarkably well with all this. Mark being away so much, shuttling back and forth between here and the Porsche base, all those people everywhere…

“You really have been very good Schatz,” praised Seb, “Thank you.”

Leaning in a little he kissed the top of his son’s blonde head, Teddy turning to look at him.

“Papa.”

“Yes Teddy?”

“Papa ook.”

Teddy picked up a piece of cheese and crammed it into his mouth, chewing for a moment before opening up his mouth to show his father. Seb shook his head, trying not to laugh.

“Lovely. I hope Daddy didn’t teach you that. Or was it Opa?”

As the little boy merely laughed, Seb hadn’t the heart to tell him off for it. Apart from anything else he was tired. Far more tired than his son he guessed. Seb hardly knew how Mark was still going out there, still working even if it was PR work now rather than at the wheel. Perhaps adrenaline still flowed, or a high from a good result. Either way Seb was glad it wasn’t him. Endurance racing really wasn’t for Seb. Even in the support role he found it wearing. He had managed though. He had got through it, even if the biggest challenge had been occupying a restless toddler rather than making overtakes at 200 miles per hour.

 

There was a certain satisfaction to feeling he had done a decent job in that role though. Seb took pride in having done all he could to support Mark whilst looking after their son, taking responsibility for keeping family life going in the midst of all this. A month ago he had worried that Teddy wasn’t going to cope with Mark going off racing, but maybe it was about his own confidence too? He was no more relaxed watching Mark race, but the rest? Yes he did feel more relaxed about taking care of their son during races, he liked the motorhome giving them their own space to get away from things, creating another safe little bubble for their family. Teddy had seemed happier too, and Sebastian thought perhaps staying in a more homely little place had contributed to that. They were definitely going to sort out doing that for European races.

Mark was fitting right back into his team and got a good result. Not the perfect one, but a good one. One to be proud of and one to build on. One that showed he was, at least in Seb’s eyes, but surely Porsche’s too, as good as he had ever been.

Maybe it was the good result, Teddy being in a happy mood after his nap, the blue sky out and the buoyant atmosphere there had been both at the podium, back at the Porsche base, and really all around the place this afternoon, but Seb felt on a high, the dark days of Spring left far behind him under the bright sunshine of Summer. He wasn’t worrying about when Mark would get back or when they would get home. He wasn’t worrying about how quickly they could get home tonight or how soon they would have to turn around to go to his own race the following weekend, ironically back in France once more. He wasn’t worrying about their packed July schedule or how the rest of the year would pan out.

The only little niggling worry was that someone might have snuck a photo of his son watching the podium, but if they had then just as Mark said, the sky wouldn't fall. He just wasn’t going to think about that. Seb hadn't been able to resist going when he wanted to see his husband up there being celebrated as he should be. Even if their son was too young to remember it, they could always tell him he had been there.

  


Seb looked in at Teddy now finishing up his snack by messily eating a cracker (or at least as much of the cracker that made it to his mouth).

“Do you want anything more? Hm?”

As the little boy pushed the plate away Seb guessed that meant he was done, so he got him to drink some more before setting the cup down along with the plate.

“Are you tired Kleiner? I know I am.”

Turning in to look up at him, Teddy appeared to be appraising his father a curious expression on his little face.

“It’s a funny day I know,” Seb allowed, smiling as he thought about that, “even funnier than usual. We lead rather a strange life don’t we Teddy? I wonder what you make of it all.”

He stroked his son’s cheek, already thinking how in a month’s time it would be the summer break and how he was looking forward to it.

“Home tomorrow though, well tonight actually though I expect you’ll be asleep, but when you wake up we’ll be home.”

“Papa.”

Teddy looked up at him, then reached to touch his father's cheek in an echo of how Seb had touched his, though rather more clumsily. Sebastian gave him a soft look at such a display of affection.

“You’ll like being home won’t you Liebling? Even if it’s not for very long. See the dogs and Auntie Pauline.”

“PauPau.”

Sebastian laughed and nodded, thinking how much his son loved her and how much she loved him in return. Their lives could be a whirlwind at times, but the ever dependable Pauline kept things from slipping away from them.

“Be lost without her wouldn't we? Yeah.”

“Yeh.”

His son copying him made Seb laugh again, then he sighed.

“Will you have a lie down so you don’t get too tired later?”

 

Standing with him Seb tried putting Teddy in his travel cot, only for the little boy to cling onto him.

“Just a little nap Teddy? Hm? Come on now.”

“No Papa.”

“No?” Seb gave a little shake of his head. “I’m tired if you’re not.”

Teddy rested his head down on his father's shoulder so Sebastian took him through to the bedroom thinking they could lie down at least. He tried to put him down, but the toddler held firm.

“Ah you’re so stubborn.”

Sure he saw a hint of a cheeky smile there, Sebastian narrowed his eyes at his son, only getting more of a smile back.

“Little monkey. C’mon, lie down with Papa then. Just for a little rest until Daddy calls.”

Seb turned and managed to lie down so Teddy lay in the centre of the double bed with him on the outside so the little boy couldn't somehow roll off. After such an interrupted night Sebastian thought he might fall asleep the moment his head met the pillow, but as Teddy cuddled into him Seb found himself merely lying there, watching as his son was the one to fall asleep. Too much coffee, he thought to himself with a sigh. Oh well, at least one of them was getting some sleep.

  


  


  


By the time they were on their flight home that evening, Seb’s prediction that all three of them would fall asleep proved only too true. Sebastian had abstained from any more caffeine and the couple of glasses of champagne Mark had sipped his way through during the Porsche party had been enough to send him off. This time Teddy had accepted being put into his flight cot, leaving his parents to sleep without a concern all the way back until landing. Seeing as that was only an hour, that had only given them a nap, but it was better than nothing. Thankfully they were being collected and driven home, no need for either Seb or Mark to do anything more than look after Teddy who barely stirred at being put in his car-seat.

When they arrived home it was dark despite it now being the height of summer. As Mark carried Teddy inside, the little boy’s round cheek squashed into his shoulder, his body limp in slumber, Mark felt pretty drowsy himself. The longest day might be due in the upcoming week, but Mark was already at the end of his.

Door opened, Seb turned to him.

“I’ll take him,” he offered.

Mark gave a little shake of his head as they stepped inside.

“Nah s’alright. I’ll sort him out for bed. You okay to marshal our stuff?”

“Course.”

Tasks allotted, Mark took their son upstairs while Seb helped the driver bring all their things in, thanking him as he left before going up to the nursery. Teddy already lay in his cot, changed into his stretchy pyjamas and tucked in, arms up by his head as if he had fallen asleep mid-yawn. As they stood for a moment watching him, Mark put his arm around Seb.

“All sorted?”

Seb nodded.

“It’s in at any rate. I only brought our essentials up.”

“Sure. No worries.”

“You want anything? Anything to eat or drink?” checked Seb.

“Nah. I reckon this little one has the best plan. Just give the dogs a bit of love, check they’re sorted and…”

Mark didn’t even get to finish his sentence as the biggest yawn took over, both of them smiling at that.

“C’mon then Liebling,” Seb encouraged. “Night Teddy.”

“Sleep tight kiddo,” Mark added, their son not showing any sign of hearing them.

  


  


 

  


Literally the only reason they would be getting up on Monday would be to look after their son, and even then the redoubtable Pauline was already scheduled to cover for the morning. Having got up to have a family breakfast, Seb and Mark had no shame in going back to bed as Pauline took Teddy out for a walk with the dogs under another bright blue summer sky. Seb and Mark were oblivious to their return as Pauline entertained Teddy with baking in the kitchen, playing in the back garden, and keeping him fed and watered as she did the dogs.

By the time Mark and Sebastian blearily emerged long past midday, it was to find their son being given his lunch, Shadow and Simba ever present beneath his high-chair awaiting the inevitable offerings dropped from above. Pauline sat with a mug of tea, smiling as she pointed out the plate of biscuits their son had made for them.

“Oh you’re up,” she smiled.

“Just,” replied Mark as both he and Seb gave their son kisses to greet him. “You’ve been busy.”

They knew there was no point resisting Teddy’s urgent pleas to be picked _‘up, up!’_ so Sebastian lifted him out of his high-chair to sit on his knee alongside Mark as Pauline insisted on getting them mugs of tea and offering over the biscuits. Mark knew Seb was in relaxed mood when he gave not the slightest demur at their son availing himself of one as his parents did. He wasn’t about to object either, particularly not when Teddy was the one who had baked them, or assisted at any rate. Giving his husband a smile, Mark considered the roughly shaped offering in his hand; full of butter and sugar no doubt, and no higher on an athlete’s dietary priority list than a toddler’s, but everyone deserved a treat now and then.

“Think we’ve earned it, right sweetheart?”

Sebastian smiled back, seeing how their son watched them.

“Absolutely Liebling.”

Mark took a bite.

“Yum yum Teddy, thank you.”

“Yamyam,” laughed Teddy, giving his parents an excellent view of what a half-digested biscuit looked like.

The adults laughed as well, no one of a mind to be anything other than happy today. Pauline smiled over at the little family gathered opposite her at the table. She would just drink her tea, see if they wanted a chat about how things had gone or if she could do anything more for them, then be on her way. Mark still looked tired, Seb too perhaps, but they didn’t need her now. All she thought Seb and Mark really needed was a bit of proper food and a sit out in the garden for the afternoon. That, plus a shave, but she wasn’t about to tell them that. From all she had seen from watching the race over the weekend they’d probably had quite enough close shaves for the timebeing.

  


 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go then, another long multi-chapter chapter, but then Le Mans is very long so that's my excuse...

**Author's Note:**

> I've never done this before, but I thought I'd let you see some the dark stuff that lurks in my mind. Hope you don't think it's too bad.  
> There's more if anyone's interested. So, umm, comments? Pretty please...  
> *Shuffles feet awkwardly and runs away*


End file.
